DUIs happen everyday, usually without any of the newsworthy flare needed to make headlines. A Phoenix man apparently decided to go big or go home because, in the course of his alleged DUI, he managed to break just about every drinking-related law on the books.

According to court records obtained by New Times, 24-year-old Sergoi Vazquez was hanging out in a parking lot at 4530 North 23rd Avenue in Phoenix. He was drinking, so security guards approached him and asked him to stop.

Vazquez wasn't interested.

Rather than following the security guards' instructions, he got up and took a piss on a fence right in front of them.

The guards called police, but not before Vazquez jumped into his car, which was parked in the parking lot in which he was drinking, and attempted to drive off.

Key word there is "attempted."

While attempting to make his getaway, Vazquez crashed into two parked cars before pulling into the parking lot of a nearby apartment complex.

That's where he decided to either pass out or take a nap.

Cops caught up with Vazquez in the middle of his nap and found open beer cans in the car.

Needless to say, he was arrested.

According to the court docs, at the time of his arrest, officers noted that Vazquez's eyes were bloodshot and watery. They said he smelled like booze, and he was unable to keep his balance.

A field sobriety test found Vazquez's blood alcohol content was .220 -- more than twice the legal limit.

Getting placed in custody wasn't even enough to put an end to Vazquez's one-man crime spree.

After his arrest, Vazquez gave officers an ID with the name Isabel Gramajo. This posed a problem because he's not Isabel Gramajo, he's Sergio Vazquez -- and he's in a shitload of trouble.

Cops ran his fingerprints, which revealed his true identity.

Ready for the best part? Vazquez doesn't even have a driver's license. His was suspended in 2007 following a DUI conviction.

In total, Vazquez racked up four felony charges -- two counts of forgery, one count of taking the identity of another, and one count of aggravated DUI -- and three misdemeanors, including indecent exposure, failure to stay at the scene of an accident, and failure to notify the driver of an unattended vehicle involved in an accident.