AFTER decades of solitary research, having first mastered the mysteries of the Time Cube, we have at last been able to assemble this ultimate, definitive listing of the fundamental laws of the universe.

Well, actually, one of our clandestine operatives obtained this document from the top secret files of an influential creationist think tank — which we shall not name. As a public service, we’re making it available here.

The Ten Laws of Creationism and Intelligent Design

Note: In case this document is ever disclosed in a courtroom, remember: this is a statement of scientific principles. We don’t use the word “creationism.” The operative term is Intelligent Design, or ID. Similarly, we don’t use the word “miracle.” The operative expression is “product of ID.” In applying these principles while speaking to the public, be sure to emphasize that what we do here is science, not theology. This is vital for litigation purposes.

1. The Law of Evidence: Everything is Designed; therefore everything is evidence of ID. No evidence supports evolution.

2. The Law of Conservation of Arguments: Discredited arguments are never discarded, they can always be recycled.

3. The Law of Reproducible Results: Anything found in nature was Designed, unless it can be reproduced in the lab. Corollary: Anything intentionally done in a lab is not natural; it’s a purposeful result. Therefore, all lab results are evidence of Intelligent Design.

4. The Law of Completeness: Anything which has not yet been found or explained will never never be found or explained. Gaps and mysteries are evidence of ID.

5. The Law of Complexity, Improbability, and Inexplicably: That which is complicated or improbable and has not been explained, cannot exist naturally.

6. The Law of Impossibility: Complex and improbable things, being naturally impossible, must be the product of ID.

7. The Law of Persistence of Design: Once something has been declared a product of ID, no natural explanation is acceptable. If one of proffered, it is evidence only of the fact that the naturalists are desperate.

8. The Law of Supernatural Superiority: Whenever two explanations of a phenomenon are presented, one natural and one supernatural, the latter is always better. Naturalistic bias must be avoided.

9. The Principle of Life: Life can’t arise naturally, and yet it exists. Therefore life is the product of ID.

10. The Principle of Universal Design: The universe is made for life, which is highly improbable; therefore the universe is the product of ID.