UNABLE to continue blaming the English for their misfortunes, an independent Scotland will instead hate cats.

The SNP confirmed that if Scotland chooses independence, cats will be installed as the new Scottish nemesis, under the so-called ‘scape-cat’ system’.

The policy was developed by Roy Hobbs, Professor of Scottishness at the University of Arbroath. He said: “Cats are an ideal focus for Scottish rage, as they have much in common with the English.

“They stroll about like they own the place, they’re snooty, and they spend all day licking their own arseholes.”

Scottish cat owner Mary Fisher supports the plan: “My cat’s always in front of the fire. She’s definitely plundering Scottish North Sea gas reserves.”

Fellow Scot Bill McKay agreed: “I could’ve been a great man, if I wasn’t oppressed by my cat. The little bastard actually shits in my kitchen, even the English didn’t do that.”

If a Yes vote is returned, the newly independent Scotland will immediately gather eleven cats and try desperately to beat them at football.