Fort Mac – “Holy fucking shit,” yelled Ted Hemden, an employee for Suncor Energy, “Run!” The ancient demon was awakened after an oil well penetrated its lair. It crawled up out of the blackness and slew all who stood near. “We project oil prices will be sharply affected by this event.” Said CBC financial correspondent, Kathy Durin, “I’m sure it will return to the ruins of Angband at some point.” Some experts, like Jonathan White, say the Balrog is unstoppable. “We were too greedy, we were blinded by our desire for Dodge Ram’s and hedonistic vacations to Mexico. Now we have awoken an ancient evil, and the realm of man is doomed.”

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