By Amy Maveety For The Patriot-News

Millions of women have experienced abuse. Many feel that there is no way out of their relationship. Others might have been in an abusive relationship and never realized it.

There are many forms of abuse — verbal, emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual abuse. I have grown up witnessing all forms of abuse within my family. I have even had my own experiences, enduring verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

Many of us women know when we have crossed the path of what I call a red-flag man. He’s cute, just a little dangerous and sexy — oozing that bad boy appeal capable of attracting even the sanest and saintliest women. He will trip our wires and set off our gut-instinct alarm, but for one reason or another, we won’t heed our alarm system. We will see only what’s on the surface and, in the end, we pay for it.

Studies have shown that for many women the most difficult part of the abusive relationship is working up the resolve to leave it.

I struggled with this problem myself, but I finally made the healthy choice and have found happiness on the other side. I can attest that it is the hardest thing to do. Feeling obligated to your man and his children, if there are any, feeling alone and feeling the stress of being limited in your choice by lack of money or a place to go. In the end it comes down to this: What do you want?

My feelings on this matter, cobbled from factoids in my personal world and in empirical research, is that no one has the right to make you feel small or stupid. Those women who have spent enough time on the front lines, who have become scholars of abuse in their own right, can have the most nuanced universe of feelings spanning inferiority, despair and a nagging sense they are getting what they deserve. What I want to tell them is that the only person who has that kind of control over your life is yourself.

You’re the only person that should be in control of your life. If you’re not — if you’ve ceded control of your happiness and misery to another man — your current relationship partner or the men and women in your past who have taught you to lead a life of self-imposed restriction — then you need help. Nothing short of a leap of faith or counseling will free you now.

Personally, I decided I would rather be single and alone than miserable and beaten. It took me years to rediscover my inner voice and carry on the kind of conversation with myself I needed to reclaim my life and the confidence to say "enough!" to red-flag men. My story is a true survivor's story.

Abusive relationships can erode the cognitive faculties and emotional strength you need as resources. The stress and lack of sleep can lead to depression, irritability, fatigue, weight loss and loss of appetite. The abuse might have begun with the man fussing with the way you dress. Maybe he complains that you wear too much makeup or that your cosmetics are a plot to attract other men. He might demand you stay home more, make you feel guilty about needing to spend time with friends and use the guilt as leverage to get out more himself. In the end, you might find yourself confined.

Many women begin to feel that the only way to alleviate the shame and guilt is through obedience. You put everything into surviving the trials and tribulations and then lack time, energy and focus to realize what is happening to you and to develop an exit strategy.

Women like me who have escaped will spend years bearing the scars. To this day, I have problems with confidence and self-esteem. Maybe not all the time — but inexplicably the doubts and fears will creep back in — telling me to expect the worst of everything and every man. I realize this protective barrier can also prevent me from finding the right man and attaining with him the scope and depth of intimacy that reflect what we are capable of as human beings. You can hear the whispers in your ear: “What is wrong with you? Why do you always have bad luck with men? Why are you attracted to red-flag men?”

Every woman needs to approach the pattern of abusive relationships as a form of addiction. The change-agent terminology — such as “healing process,” “big-step recovery,” “turning point in your life” and “new beginning” — all apply here. There are differences among people in how they deal with hurt and how they heal. For me it has always been “out of sight, out of mind,” losing myself in books and waiting out the time it takes to heal.

Regardless of how you choose to pass the time, you are the only person qualified to know whether you have healed, whether you are ready to start a new life and whether that new life will be filled with new people, new places and, most importantly, a “new you,” complete with self-respect and confidence.

HOW TO RECOGNIZE ABUSE AND GET HELP

Does someone you know treat you like this?

Embarass you with put-downs?

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?

Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?

Make all of the decisions?

Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

Prevent you from working or attending school?

Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?

Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

Shove you, slap you, choke you or hit you?

Threaten to commit suicide?

Threaten to kill you?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline

Where to get help

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

The YWCA of Greater Harrisburg

The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Domestic Violence Services of Cumberland & Perry County

Domestic Violence Intervention of Lebanon County

ACCESS-York

Remember, abusers may track cell phone and Internet usage, so the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence recommends using library computers or computers other than your home computer to look for services. Domestic violence programs also offer limited cell phone loan programs.