We could spend our next few moments together pretending like Ron (and his Tammys) weren’t the best thing about this episode, but where would that get us? So instead of reminding you that Entertainment 720 gives out iPads like candy or Ann spent seven hours of her day watching Chris tape a diabetes public service announcement, we’re going to look at all the new things we learned about Ron “F*cking” Swanson tonight:

Ron’s worst nightmare is being audited.

Ron buries gold.

Ron takes pictures of his “gentlemen’s agreement”.

Ron buys shotgun shells and cigarettes every 30 days for his mother, also a Tammy.

Ron’s Tammy 1 was a candy striper who helped deliver him and they began dating when he was only 15.

Ron only spends $40 a year on clothes.

Ron doesn’t date blondes…..anymore.

Ron shaved his mustache, wore pastels and called Jerry, Jer’, because of Tammy 1’s influence.

Ron also said ‘ouchy’ after Leslie slapped him, also because of Tammy 1’s influence.

Ron turns into a demonic, sex maniac under the influence of Tammy 2.

Ron’s Tammy 1 is Godzilla, unfortunately, Tammy 2 is no Mothra.

Ron built his first chair at the age of five.

Rot can drink half a jug of liquor that is illegal unless used to strip the varnish off of speed boats.

Knowing all of this makes Ron sexier somehow, even without having the manliest mustache that all other, weaker mustaches aspire to one day look like.

Quotes

“It’s almost too easy.” – Tom

“I can hear you.” – Ben

“(laughs) I know you can Ben, that’s how easy it is.” – Tom

“And we should start thinking about wardrobe. Casual? Formal? Semi-formal? Sporty? Scary? Posh? Baby? Those are the Spice Girls. I just got caught up in my own thoughts.” – Chris, whose exclusion of Ginger DID NOT go unnoticed.

“I don’t think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I am here.” – Tammy 1

“Aw snapple! Are we calling everybody baby now?! Because honestly, I love that!” – Jean-Ralphio

“Are we saying snapple anytime something is dope?! Because I love that baby!” – Tom

“Leslie, don’t drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules.” – Ron