Kourtney ‘felt something was missing in the healthy lifestyle space’, a vacuum she intends to fill with her new blog

Name: Poosh.

Age: Days old.

Appearance: Covered with pictures of Kourtney Kardashian.

Is she the one who’s just gone through an apparently very involved breakup? That’s Khloé. Kourtney is the oldest one.

Ah. And what is Poosh? It’s Kourtney’s newly launched lifestyle blog.

Oh God. “Poosh” is the nickname of her six-year-old daughter, Penelope, “the epitome of the Poosh girl”, in that she “plays by her own rules, colours outside the lines, and celebrates life with an infectious confidence and ease”.

She’s six. I’m sure her colouring will improve. Don’t be such a perfectionist. Modern women care about “just doing our best without feeling judged,” says Kourtney. That’s why she launched Poosh. “I felt there was something missing in the healthy lifestyle space.”

Honestly, there is nothing missing. Really?

There’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, plus countless other lifestyle blogs from Reese Witherspoon, Katherine Schwarzenegger, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Julianne Hough, Jessica Alba, Alicia Silverstone … It’s the most predictable thing a rich, bored celebrity can do! Calm down. Have a bath with some candles.

I don’t want a bath with candles! These people say it’s easy to be relaxed, fun, beautiful, maternal, glamorous, healthy and successful, but it’s a lie to make money! Are you sure? Kourtney says: “People are constantly asking me how I do it all, from being a single mom to working full-time to still maintaining a social life. I get endless questions about food, kids, beauty, and fashion …”

The whole point of having children is so you don’t have to be beautiful any more. Really?

Well, it’s part of the reason. Look, one of Poosh’s features is Kourtney’s introduction to her own “really simple” skincare and makeup routine. “In a world of mirror selfies, bikini shots and filters, the pressures to look a certain Instagrammable way are real,” it says. “If that’s you, you’re not alone.”

So, Kourtney gets it? Yes. So she starts with just a mask, then a lip scrub, a face wash, cleansing wipes, a mist for radiance, a hydrating serum and a regenerative oil, then sunscreen.

That’s simple? Then for makeup, it’s a mixture of two foundations, concealer applied with a beauty blender on to skin misted with grape water, then beauty cream, bronzer, luminiser, mascara, lipliner, lipstick, and then powder.

And if I do all that, I won’t feel pressure to look a certain way? Exactly. And you can buy most of the products directly through the Poosh affiliate programme, from which Kourtney gets a cut.

Great. I’ll have one of each, please. OK. That comes to … $780 (£594).

Do say: “My six-year-old daughter is such a free spirit, she inspired me to plug this anti-ageing lotion.”

Don’t say: “Even though we may receive compensation in connection with our feature of certain products … we still endeavour to provide our honest opinions.”