NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of today, Maybelline will no longer test any of our products—including lipstick, blush, or foundation—on random customers while they are sound asleep in bed,” said Chavez, adding that lab technicians were now explicitly banned from driving to people’s homes, jimmying open a bedroom window with a putty knife, applying the experimental cosmetics, and observing the results. “Although this testing has been outlawed, we want to assure you that Maybelline employees always sedated subjects with a chloroform rag and then wiped their skin clean before leaving. That said, to anyone who developed a painful rash in the middle of the night and never knew why—we sincerely apologize.” At press time, Chavez dismissed rumors that Maybelline had ever tested products on humans without first breaking in and testing the cosmetics on the residents’ pets.

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