Trump takes the stage, with a huge crowd of 7 people before him, to give his final speech as president:

“The date was November the 8th, 2016 and I ,in all my glory, triumphed over Hilary Clinton and became president. Many opposed me, as the self-made man who earned himself billions, starting out with just a small loan of a million dollars from my father. 4 years on, we reflect on my legacy in terms of the economy, immigration and other reforms. There is no doubt that my rational and plausible plans benefited the country and definitely did not spawn any economic turmoil, mass shootings, racism and general hatred towards America.

I made the country safe again from those leeching immigrants who benefited from the generosity of the nation. I made it a high priority issue to deport the immigrants who were supposedly pushed by the Mexican government to risk their lives and hop countries. The people felt so much safer now that the rapists and drug dealers had been forced out of the country; the few that were good Mexicans unfortunately also had to leave. 11 million undocumented immigrants that made up 4% of the population were deported, and the absence of said immigrants had allowed real Americans to acquire the newly vacant jobs. The real Americans I am referring to are of course the native Americans and not the invaders from Europe. As for the opportunist Mexicans coming in illegally, the great wall of America has stopped them. I, using my extremely persuasive methods which I illustrated in my book “the Art of the Deal”, managed to get the Mexican government to pay for it. As a result, crime has dropped to a record low of less than 0%; when I was questioned about this unlikely statistic, in my usual patriotic mannerIi accused the reporter of being a Chinese spy.

With regards to the African American community, the tension was cleared as I proclaimed “I have a great relationship with the blacks, I love them and they love me”. With this quote, I mended 200 years of racial oppression in America and fully integrated “the blacks” into society.

My response to the increased Islamic terrorism was to make every Muslim register .There was a New York Times journalist who would have had you believe that this was similar to what a certain Fuhrer did to the Jewish people back in the 1940s. This journalist was ostracised and mocked before getting fired from his job because of what he said, and the fact that he was disabled.

Under the revolutionised tax plans that I put forth, the economy has flourished. Exempting 75 million households from paying any tax, coupled with making the highest progressive tax bracket 25%, had decreased income tax revenue by a negligible $950 billion a year. To counter this, I created an incentive to work and an environment to grow businesses. The businesses were allowed to expand due to cuts in corporation taxes from 35% to 15%. Together with cuts in taxes on income and corporations, more jobs were available and jobless people actually wanted to work to get out of poverty. All these cuts unfortunately came with the minor side affect of losing $1.1 trillion in a year. On the positive note, 5.3 million jobs were created and the wages grew by 6.5% which must count for something. Due to this outstanding growth, the loss in revenue is reduced by a staggering $100 billion from $1.1 trillion to make the new figure, $1 trillion in per year in deficit.

Oh the poor Chinese, how I made a fool of “Americas number one abuser”. Millions of jobs and billions of dollars of capital was brought back into America from China, or at least that was the aim. China were no longer “killing us on trade”. Again due to my extremely persuasive methods, I forced China to stop currency manipulation and the artificial devaluation of the Yuan, as well as imposing high tariffs. This had brought back jobs to America and revitalised the manufacturing industry. There was a slight problem in that the market shelves were empty as China were reluctant to pay tariffs which majorly reduced exports and the newfound manufacturing industry was nowhere near big enough to compensate. All in all a definite win for America.

My administration was revolutionary, it managed to rid America of pretty much all of it’s problems in the most efficient way possible. There was no more discrimination against any race, the economy was prospering and China had been put in its place. I did need the occasional reminder that running a country wasn’t like running a business, but nobody’s perfect. Donald Trump will go down in the history books as the man that made America great again.”

This is purely satirical. I do not intend to offend anyone.