Wild Animals

you say:

Ever Been to the Serengeti?

From $995 per person June-October singita.com Guided safari Horseback riding

Some might say that there’s nothing sexier than an elephant getting ready to charge you and your beloved at twilight on the plains of Africa, seven tons of enraged cow-beast, ivory tusks flashing, so close you can smell its grassy and, frankly, not overly pleasing breath.

If this were your last minute on earth before being stomped and gored to death—which it might be—then it wouldn’t have been so bad after all. You came here, to Faru Faru’s insane, over-the-top riverine lodge just west of Serengeti National Park “to see the animals.” And this is where you’ve drunk the finest wine and eaten the most ridiculous cupcakes of your life (and that was really not very Hemingway of you, when your wife had to ask you to stop after three, because you were covered in frosting). You’ve gazed upon 350,000 acres of the private Grumeti reserve from, um, the infinity pool that overlooks the watering hole, where everything from giraffe to wildebeest to flamingo sidles up for a little cool water.

And the staff keeps making you feel very special. As if they’ve never met someone so special. Someone who deserves a massage. Or the perfect ham sandwich. Or some quiet time in the library with a glass of Friuli. Or to drive around the plains in a Land Rover, right up to a pride of lions or a parade of elephants. Which has led to the predicament you find yourself in now. If that elephant charges, you will have at least known paradise, right?

The guide’s hand moves toward his gun. The elephant’s ears flap, then pin back to the side of her head.

You will survive this—so will the elephant—and then you will return to the lodge under a starlit canopy of sky, to an open-air patio and a silver tray of those cupcakes. You will eat, then, both of you, with no guilt, giddily, holding hands, to the sound of some beast in the near-distance, until covered in frosting. And it will be good.

—michael paterniti

Next: Bordeaux isn’t Just for Wine Snobs

she wants:

To Party

you say:

Bordeaux, Baby!

Mama Shelter, from $80 April-October mamashelter.com Drinking

Sure, the city is synonymous with its surrounding wine region, but the way to your honey’s heart is not through spittoons. You are—how do we put this?—more fun than that. And Bordeaux is the perfect place to let loose, the epicenter for everything that’s invigorating about young, up-all-night-to-get-lucky love. Case in point: Downtown Bordeaux’s drink of choice is beer. Here’s how to deliver the best Euro trip she’s been on since her junior year abroad.