“Moby Dick”

The entire book is the script of a one-man show that begins “Call me Ishmael” and ends “Thank you, I’m Ishmael, good night!”

“The Great Gatsby”

Set in a circus; the character of Daisy Buchanan is just Daisy Duke from “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

“Jane Eyre”

That the one quote I already knew from it was not the climax to the entire, rather long book.

“The Grapes of Wrath”

A sad story about winemaking and occupational complications. Lenny gets shot at the end.

“Vanity Fair”

It’s about Graydon Carter and/or the early days of paper-napkin manufacturing.

“Robinson Crusoe”

Pictured David Caruso from “CSI: Miami” slowly taking off his sunglasses on a desert island.

“Macbeth”

Kind of like “Hocus Pocus,” but with a dude and more blood. Set in Scotland.

“In Search of Lost Time”

Like “Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?,” but with a lady named Madeleine, and time instead of the planet.

“Ulysses”

Written in four-point font; would cause an instantaneous and long-lasting migraine if I tried to read it.

“Infinite Jest”

Written in two-point font; must have documentation that I possess an I.Q. over two hundred in order to purchase a copy.

“The Brothers Karamazov”

The Baldwin brothers looking despondent, wearing fur hats.

“20,000 Leagues Under the Sea”

Much baseball, underwater.

“Death of a Salesman”

Essentially “Julius Caesar,” only with a salesman.

“The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie”

All of the math from “A Beautiful Mind,” but with a lady.

“The Catcher in the Rye”

Much baseball, but in Scotland.

“Mrs. Dalloway”

One of Robin Williams’s finest comedic performances.

“Wuthering Heights”

A book about people in skyscrapers, looking at each other with deep disdain.

“Heart of Darkness”

Inspiration for Blondie’s “Heart of Glass.”

“The House of Seven Gables”

A sequel to “Anne of Green Gables.”

“Northanger Abbey”

The exciting adventures of a plucky aviatrix named Abbey, who’s assigned to the northerly part of the airport.

“David Copperfield”

Magic tricks, in old-timey costumes.

“The Scarlet Letter”

Actual events occur in the book.