NEW YORK—His lower lip quivering while showing his running mate the uneven patches on his head where he attempted to give himself a trim, a teary-eyed Tim Kaine reportedly asked Hillary Clinton this morning if his hair would grow back in time for Election Day. “I just wanted to look nice for TV, but I did a bad job—when will my hair come back?” said the whimpering vice presidential nominee, still clenching a tuft of hair that he had snipped off the sides of his head with a pair of safety scissors. “I tried to fix it, but then it got worse. Please don’t be mad at me. I only wanted to help.” At press time, Clinton had reportedly pacified the crying Kaine by telling him he could wear his favorite Lightning McQueen baseball cap for the rest of the campaign.

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