The absolute joy that this reading did not leave me with.

Today's activity reminded me why I skip Shadowscapes for personal readings. It was mean to me again, but I honestly probably deserved it. Eh, maybe.The activity starts with making a list of the things that bring me joy, things that used to bring me joy, things I'd like to try, and ways I help others. My list was quickly filled with things that used to bring me joy before I even realized that maybe I should throw some things on there that currently bring me joy. And, oh yeah, what ways do I bring joy to others? I put down a tentative answer followed by a question mark.Now it's time for the fun part... the reading.9 of Pentacles (reversed) - I seek happiness in material possessions.The Fool - I dive into new things without much planning or thought.Judgement (reversed) - I am my own worst critic, and so I frequently stop myself from interacting with the world at large out of fear.8 of Cups (reversed) - I run dafuq away.THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT MY GIFTS AND PASSIONS! Thanks for telling me how you really feel, Shadowscapes.But I get it. First of all, I was in a bit of a mood, my thoughts clouded with concerns and melancholy when I went to shuffle, and all I got was a reflection of my own mood. Obviously this isn't a giant mood boost... but now rather than a list of passions/gifts, I have a nice list of things to work on. I filled my list with things that used to bring me joy well before I thought of anything that currently brings me joy. That's a fairly big tell to myself. Most of those things were physical, earthly aspects of myself which allowed me to engage more fully in the world. I didn't feel judged, I felt welcome. Now that I feel I no longer meet the standards of acceptable company, I hide away. I attempt to fill the voids with shopping--often impulsively.I think the cards stole an opportunity to say: You need to fix yo'self.Oh, I know, and I'm trying. One step at a time.