I called this The sexual life of the panda, but that was probably a mistake, since pandas have no sex life at all. As a matter of fact, pandas seem to have no life of any sort, spending half their day looking for bamboos to eat, and lying down the rest of the time. They’re not even cute and cuddly like we all thought. If you stray into their territory, they’ll go for you and bite your leg off.

I came across this fascinating BBC article that opened my eyes to the drab futility that is the life of an average panda.

Female pandas are interested in a little rockin’ and rollin’ for three days a year, and during that time, there’s only 24 hours when they can become pregnant. This lack of enthusiasm might perhaps be explained by the male panda’s disproportionately short penis, and the fact that he isn’t much interested in sex either.

As far as I can see, neither of them are interested in anything at all — not even food. Even though they are true bears, and classified as carnivores, they eat bamboo almost exclusively and can spend 10 hours a day searching for just the right plants. Bamboo contains almost no nutrition, and so the panda has very little energy. Furthermore, because he can’t store fat, he has to keep eating the miserable sticks he just manages to draw sustenance from. It never occurs to the panda that he’s a huge bear with claws and teeth and that he could easily go out and fucking kill something!

So there you have it. Because the panda is too stupid to eat properly, he has no energy for sex to propagate the species and no interest in life.

But it gets worse. Because they can’t store fat to produce enough milk, they can only look after one cub at a time. And pregnancies can last between 11 weeks and 11 months. And sometimes they don’t know they’re pregnant at all.

If an entire species could win a Darwin Award, I think the panda is looking like a good candidate.

I don’t know when bears began to diversify, but let’s say it was fifty thousand years ago.

Did they have a meeting?

I’m sick of this shit. I’m heading off to Alaska, and I’m going to catch salmon in the rivers. Live the outdoor life.

Me too. I’m off to Russia. Plenty salmon there, and I hear they’re looking for a national animal.

I’m going to dye my hair white and live in the North Pole, eating seals and Eskimos. Lots of swimming.

Anyone know what the sleepy guy is doing?

Yeah. He said he’s going to give up sex and spend his life eating grass.

But he’s a bear.

Yup. Good luck with that.

I wonder what happens when the bears meet up every year for the Ursine Games.

Any sign of Panda?

Nah. He’s at home watching TV and eating bags of Cheesy Bamboo-Snax.

Lazy bastard.

The BBC article explains that pandas are an endangered species. I wonder why?