Today, we are gonna strap on our high tops shoes, skip into dance class, and watch a musical about how the devil is using peer pressure to destroy your life. If you’re looking for Tony-caliber performances, iconic music, and captivating narrative, then you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. But if you want a cheesy Christian musical aimed at homeschooled 14 year olds during Youth Group service, then you’ve come to the right place. You can (definitely not) enjoy the full music here:

Hi-Tops was a ‘successful’ stage performance in the early 80s. A live recording was released in ’85 on VHS. Apparently, it was distributed by Maranatha Music. In case you don’t know who they are, it’s basically one of the most influential power-house record companies in the history of contemporary Christian music. If you grew up in church and still have a terrible worship song from the ’90s stuck in your head, Maranatha Music is most likely to blame.

No one too famous was featured in production. Well, except for…Crystal Lewis! I hadn’t heard about her until just now. But apparently, she’s had a long career as an off-brand version of Amy Grant. The best part about her career is that this is exactly how you’d envision the future career of someone who performed in Hi-Tops. Once you’ve fully submerged yourself in the deepest abyss of campy Christian entertainment, you can’t go back. As Nietzsche warned us: “Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

Such is the unfortunate fate of Crystal Lewis. You can witness the evidence for yourself:

Plot Summary

The musical opens on a shot of some cyborg angels who were just cut from Daft Punk. We read the following scripture verse: “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Ephesians 6:12). This establishes one of the two main themes of the narrative: spiritual ‘warfare’ (that’s Christian-speak for demons trying to tempt you into sin).

We are then bombarded by teenagers over-acting like their lives depended on it. They all want to go to a concert that night, and we the audience are all questioning our decision to keep watching this music. I assure you, it only goes downhill from here. The concert is of a fictitious Christian ensemble named ‘Hi-Tops.’

After a some weird form of science fiction disco, Satan himself comes out to give a soliloquy. Apparently, he hates Christian concerts. He leaves after one of the Daft Punk angels threatens him.

After one of the strangest songs I’ve ever heard (more on this later), we are informed by one of the leaders of Hi-Tops that the band is having open auditions. Of course, all of the teenagers want to join, because who wouldn’t want to be part of the coolest group of homeschoolers ever assembled? It’s like the dream-team of Youth Group heroes.

We then must suffer through another ‘Shakespearean’ soliloquy from the nerd character about personal hygiene and the fact he’s now noticing that girls exist. I can’t tell if he’s acting or just sorted cocaine for the first time. Either way… wow. Just wow.





After another song, we meet our other main characters: three angels who are currently living in heaven. They discuss fads and peer pressure, which apparently the angels don’t understand. Gabriel then sends them down to Earth, disguised as teenagers, to learn more about what peer pressure is. To finish things off, they sing a little tune about peer pressure, and we get to meet Thumb Girl.

Next, we are treated to some High School Musical plot developments in that one of the boy’s father doesn’t want him to dance in the musical. The nerd also decides to audition for the musical even though he’s a loser and literally nobody likes him. He even gets pranked into thinking that the snobby rich girl likes him.

Just a side note: The snobby rich blonde in Hi-Tops also looks like the snobby rich blonde from Halloween 4.





Also, now Satan has joined their high school along with the angels. He is dressed like Michael Jackson mixed with the characters from Rock and Rule (one of the greatest animated rock musicals of all time). He sings a song that kind of sounds like John Travolta doing an impersonation of Michael Jackson.

One of the angels is disguised as a nerd girl, and she doesn’t have any friends because her clothes aren’t cool enough. Such a wonderful message for the children. Anyways, she and the nerd boy bump into each other and then fall in love and sing a passionate duet. My eyeballs felt physically assaulted, but the audience was laughing hysterically. At this point in my viewing, I don’t understand what reality is anymore.

Cut to the next scene. The athletic Troy Bolton-All-American-jock is talking to the surfer-dude-bro-angel. They discuss sex before marriage. While the angel tries to convince All-American Boy to control his libido, Satan hatches the great idea: he’s going to get All-American Boy to hook up with his girlfriend.

Next scene: All-American Boy asks Nice Girl to marry him. She says yes. To celebrate, he suggests they have sex at Makeout Reef (okay, so it’s actually called ‘inspiration point’, but I prefer the one from Spongebob). She says no because she’s saving herself for marriage. Also, if you have sex then you’ll definitely get pregnant and then ruin your entire life. Another song ensues, which I shall return to later.

Back to the adventures of the nerds in love… They break up, because she’s an angel, so they can’t be together. But that’s okay, because God still loves him. Ah… the classic Christian breakup line. Almost as good as “God wants us to break up.” In fact, one time, I dated a Christian girl, and she told me: “I’ve been praying about it, and God keeps telling me to do what makes me happy, and this relationship isn’t making me happy anymore.” She then dumped me to start dating the guy with whom she’d been cheating on me. True story! But that’s okay, because God still loves me.

So, all of the teenagers audition to be in Hi-Tops (aka, the coolest band of all time). However, All-American Girl is tricked by Evil Blonde Girl from Halloween 4 into missing the audition. (Apparently, Evil Blonde Girl has been hanging out with Satan and allow him to tempt her into things like cheating in class). Nerd Boy sings his heart out in a song about nobody loving you (seen in the photo above).

Evil Blonde Girl gets caught for tricking All-American Girl, and she gets kicked out of Hi-Tops. Satan then appears to her, and tells her to start drinking and popping pills.

She immediately ODs and dies.

But then she comes back to life and is fine. She and Nerd Boy seem to have a connection now. Also, All-American Boy and All-American Girl decide to start their relationship over again, but this time “with the Lord first.”

The ending song is something about Jesus making everything better and beautiful. However, it’s really just Nerd Boy and All-American Girl belting notes like their life depended on it.

Of course, it ends with a High School Musical jump freeze.





Top Memorable Moments

1. Bootleg Daft Punk

The ‘greatest’ part of this entire show is definitely the sci-fi nu disco dance number featuring storebrand Daft Punk. It also makes hardly any sense in relationship to the plot. Admittedly, the plot hardly makes any sense in and of itself. It’s basically individual moments that try to teach 12 year olds not to give into peer pressure and avoid doing drugs, cheating in school, or having premarital sex.

Nonetheless, the Daft Punk angels just stand there, and don’t do anything. I’m not sure what they are supposed to be. It’s like someone had a ‘cool’ costume design idea, and then had no plan for implementing it into the plot, so they just had them stand on the stage. I might say that perhaps they are part of the “Hi-Tops” band within the show, but when Lucifer gives his soliloquy, they recognize him and threaten him. Oddly, this is supposed to be part of a ‘freeze frame’ that the rest of the characters aren’t a part of. So apparently, these robot angels can break continuity within the play and have some sort of meta engagement with the fourth wall. But they never return, so I still don’t know their purpose.

The song is also mesmerizing. Well, okay… Let’s be honest: the song is terrible and the dancers are all out of sink, even though they are trying so hard. In my opinion, this just makes it better. The lyrics are meant to warn you about the temptations of Satan. In my notes that I wrote while watching it for the first time, I jotted down my reaction:

I am transfixed, transfigured. I am now a new creation.

Join me in this higher level of being:

2. David Bowie Bedazzled Satan

Numerous people have commented that the Satan costume looks like a knock-off of Bowie. Regardless, that glitter is insane. He’s definitely one of the most ‘fabulous’ portrayals of Lucifer that I’ve ever seen.

Also, he kind of looks like a werewolf, which makes me think that more movies should have a werewolf satan.

3. The Set Design

The whole set is so perfectly 80s. You got a disco ball on top of skyscraper platforms, and tons of yellow, teal, and hot pink. I hate to admit it, but I kind of like the design. What can I say? I’m a sucker for cheap 80s aesthetic.

4. “The Fight Song” Song

I’m not sure exactly why, but this song feels incredibly strange to me. It’s like a baritone country singer is belting out 80s synth pop. Somehow, this song is like a parody of itself. I’d consider this very much accidently surreal: it didn’t intend to be high art of psychedelic or surreal, but it was so bad that it felt otherworldly. It’s like aliens came down from space, learned about 80s pop music, and then disguised themselves and put out their own single.

Also, I’m pretty sure that the dancers, who are still not synchronized, are just doing the exact same choreography as the last song.

5. The Angels in Heaven

Who the actual h*ck was allowed to pick out these costumes? Their wigs look like bath bubbles! And what on earth is happening with Gabriel’s costume?! He’s like an epic Dungeons and Dragons LARP enthusiast.

You know what? I’m actually grateful. They could have just given these kids some white robes, but instead, they went with these ridiculous flashy bathrobes. They did that for us.

But seriously, this scene is maybe the cringiest of the entire musical. It happens around the 20:45 mark, in case you want to watch the whole thing (pro tip: you don’t want to).

6. Thumb Girl

Legend has it that, at this very moment of the musical, nightmares were invented.

Also, what the h*ck does her weird thumb head have anything to do with the plot? It makes absolutely no sense. She’s wearing a 1950s poodle skirt, so is it some kind of reference to fashion in that era that I don’t understand? But why those glasses? This makes even less sense than the store brand Daft Punk angels.

7. If you don’t have cool clothes, then you are a loser, and no one will be your friend.

Of course, this is the message that the production wants to contradict. But I don’t think they actually accomplish this goal. For example, the angel who becomes a nerd quickly realizes this message, and only the nerd boy will talk to her because he’s basically hormones with arms and legs. This leads into the love duet between them, which is basically two people scraping their nails across a chalkboard.

The message of this film really ends up being something like: “Yeah, sure. You’re a loser, and you’ll probably get picked on for not being cool. But that’s okay because God still loves you.”

8. Purity Dancing

Ah, yes. Two Christian teens want to get married way before they should. Classic.

I already mentioned what happens during the plot summary, so I won’t recap here. But I think it’s quite fascinating that they try to portray All-American Girl’s choice to not have sex as the quintessential feminist declaration. After turning town All-American Boy’s advances, the two watching angels declare: “Now there’s a girl who thinks for herself!” and “She’s like totally cash!” I’m not trying to make fun of abstinence or say that one can’t be a feminist and choose abstinence. That’s not the point. It’s just that there is a long tradition within evangelical media that attempts to portray abstinence as literally the coolest thing in the world. And if that doesn’t work, then they use fearmonger tactics. Both of which are evident in this scene. First with the feminist portrayal of abstinence, and then with the story about getting pregnant and ruining your life forever.

What’s even better is that they break out into a song. In my mind, this is like an evangelical ‘subversion’ or parody of Dirty Dancing. I assumed that they were trying to copy this kind of movie, but Dirty Dancing didn’t come out for two years after Hi-Tops! So maybe, Patrick Swayze was just copying these cool kids.

Also, I hate to admit this, but I sincerely enjoyed the trippy video effects. I don’t know why they are even in this scene, but at this point, I’m just accepting that none of the artist decisions make any sense.

9. Do Drugs Once and Die

Towards the end of the show, the blonde girl from Halloween 4 gets upset, pops pills, and almost dies. This is such a classic trope in evangelical media. Typically, the character is pressured into trying drugs (or sex, etc.), refuses for a moment, and then caves. Upon the first use of the drug, the character then experiences the full, negative consequences of his or her actions. All it takes is one time, and then you will die. This type of plot device is the foundation of almost every judgment house to ever exist.

Conclusion

Honestly, this musical is the worst. It’s so cringy that it actually gives me goosebumps. It’s taken me several weeks to actually finish writing this review because I just didn’t want to relive this experience.

But would I watch it again? Perhaps with friends who could handle truly terrible musicals, but that’s a rare breed.

Also, one interest thing about this production that you might ‘appreciate’ is how this musical might be considered ‘ahead of its time.’ I’ve listened to interviews with some scholars recently talking about evangelical subculture from the 90s — especially purity culture. They labeled these themes and movements as being in full form during the 90s-early 2000s. Usually, influential evangelical media — such as Carman or Fire by Nite — didn’t start until at least 2 or 3 years after this musical.

It’s interesting to me to see how the themes, teachings, rhetoric, etc. didn’t change at all for around 2 decades. This type of musical would definitely still be performed in 2005 (and is probably still being performed today!). The lack of change is rather fascinating, and this is some of the early instances of these tropes coming together.

What do you think? Is this musical as painful to watch as I made it out to be? Did any funny/cringy moment get left off of my list? Had you ever seen this musical before? Let me know in the comments below.