10 reasons why guys must fight the exodus from golf to cycling.

WRITTEN BY THE EDITOR ON FEBRUARY 24, 2015. POSTED IN SPORTS

Golf is in decline the world over. In 2005 there were 30 million golfers in the USA, today there are only 25 million. Last year here in South Africa there were 74 000 fewer rounds played across the country. Whatever stats you want to dig up, it's not looking good, and I blame bloody cycling.

I see the back story here and the 'merit' in the gradual exodus. Guys are more health conscious now, and their wives and girlfriends are too. Naturally golf isn't a 'workout/exercise' activity, so 'better halves' prefer their men coming home mid-morning smelling of sweat and powerade after an activity that keeps them trim, rather than them coming home early evening, smelling of beer and merriment after an activity that reminds them of how they were when they were single.

I get that, I really do, but there is more to all of this, and there is so much to golf that makes it special and an essential part of being a guy. To try and illustrate this, I have for you, 10 reasons why you must fight these cycling urges and commit to golf once and for all.

1: Cycling makes you look like a nob

Seriously, what self respecting man goes out in public looking like this! It's bloody embarrassing, stop it right now. Cyclists look like slow adults who wanted to become superheroes, but were on a very tight budget. Speaking of tight, who wants to see your balls? Nobody, that's the answer!

Nice pair of pants, collared shirt, you're good to go as a member of society, and a guy about to embark on a healthy recreational activity.

2: Cycling actually turns you into a nob

I don't know about you, but I have yet to have to slow down in traffic on the road, the natural habitat for the car, because four golfers are walking side by side ahead of me. Cyclists though, they think the roads are there for them, and expect you to realise that and be okay with it. In groups the cases of cyclists attacking motorists are becoming more and more aggressive. Clear evidence of nob like behaviour.

I don't know many golfers who are nobs, and if they are, they are being nobs in their own fourball, on a golf course very much seperated from everyday life. They don't expect anything from you, and will not force you to change how you go about your day on the road.

3: Golf is a much better thing to introduce your kids to

What sounds better?

"Hey Johnny, you want to go to the golf course and hit some balls and bond over a game we can play together until I die which is both realistically competitive and mutually fun and teaches you patience, etiquette and social skills?"

"Hey Johnny, you want to wear some rediculous clothing, get onto a bike and ride behind me where conversation will be limited to me basically telling you to keep up while we run the risk of being killed by cars, crashing into pot holes, and getting the most embarrassing tan marks known to man?"

No prizes for guessing the right answer there.

4: Golf allows you to be a guy, cycling makes you boring.

Guys need to compete against other guys in life - that's a fact. We need direct competition, and as we are no longer gladiators or soldiers at war, our DNA needs to be sparked in some other way. Cycling is terrible at this as you are ultimately just going against a clock, or a distance, or the fat you no longer want on your body. You can enter races, but 0.03% of you have a chance of actually winning a Cape Argus or 94.7.

Golf though puts guys against each other in a brilliant physical and mental environment, a place where healthy banter and redicule reigns, and raw ability is constantly under examination.Guys must not forget this, at any stage, and thriving in these environments enables you to be a man as nature intended. Cycling not only makes you a nob, but also boring as you are too busy slip streaming or changing gears or pissing about with your heart rate to truly be competing with someone. In short, cycling really isn't a place where the high 5 lives. Next.

Cardio ages you and makes you look like shit

The only thing worse than hearing about how 'invigorating' cycling a 100kms is, is hearing it from a person who looks about ten years older than they really are. It has been scientifically proven that excessive cardio releases harmful free radicles that break down muscle in the body, and the skinny appearance you are left with is your reward.

Why would anyone want to inflict themselves with such a thing? It's madness. Cardio is so 90s, and its poster boy was Lance Armstrong. Also a nob.

Golf equipment is always going to be cooler

You know you can pay up to R200 000 for a road bike nowadays. R200 000, and it doesn't even have a motor! That makes you somewhat insane, a quality made worse with talk about it costing that much because your chain ring weighs just 4 grams, and that your computer can sense your cholesterol levels and hydration levels. Good luck picking up chicks with that gambit...

Golf clubs look cool, you can do cool things with each and every one of them, bags are cool, and as learned from being a kid, it's cool to always be able to play with your own balls. Let's not add wardobe here, I think we addressed that at the beginning.

Golf creates employment

To play a round of golf, you touch the lives of many. You help in golf courses being able to employ full time staff. From the person who works in the pro shop, to the caddy who carries your bag, to the starter who wishes you well at the first tee, to the people who serve you a meal at halftime, to the people who pour you drinks at the end. You are stimulating the economy every time you tee it up.

What happens when you go for a ride? You just piss off motorists.

Cycling is a gateway drug to other dreadful activities

The problem with cycling is that even cyclists find it boring. Not fully fulfilled, cyclists often turn to other things like paddle skiing, trail running, hiking or even worse - triathlons. The only thing more annoying that someone acting smug about doing a MBA is someone activing smug about doing the Ironman.

Golfers play golf, that's enough.

Golf isn't trying to be something it is not

Golf isn't an exercise, it's the best game in the world. Golfers aren't kidding themselves about it being their exercise, they are there to enjoy themselves and experience the company of others. Cycling claims to be everything from a great exercise, a leisure activity, a networking opportunity, a way to live a longer life... Bollocks, it's cardio, that's all it is.

Golf travel is brilliant

Sure there are some pretty amazing roads to cycle out there, but where's the fun in that? You're panting away, missing out on so much of it as you labour away on the saddle. Cycling up Alpe d'Huez like the pros in the Tour de France, or playing St Andrews like the pros at The Open? The latter makes so much more sense and is something you can cherish every moment of.

Golf also provides you with so many more destinations to visit, and it's way more social to go to a place for golfing reasons than cycling reasons. Again, you got kids, a golfing holiday is more doable and considerate than a cycling one.

So put the bike up for sale, dust off the golf clubs, and get back to being a man. The golf course awaits, and so do your real friends.

Tags: cycling is the new golf, cycling trends, golf decline, golf vs cycling, losing your masculinity