For the “new kids on the block”—hahaha!—I’ll give you a quick rundown of what we do, since that was necessarily kept secret from you during the entire hiring-slash-FUNterrogation process. Founded in 1872 by journalists who didn’t want any boring poors in their bar, the Bohemian Club’s roster quickly expanded to include artists, & then the rich, who today constitute 99% of the Club’s membership. Six years after that founding, the hep artistes of the Club naturally decided they deserved 2700 acres of pristine California woodland. And so, the Bohemian Grove was born, which keeps us all employed, haha!

As you all know, rich people hold all the burden of real power in the world, & our lovely Grove is no exception. Every Summer, our camp season highlight is a pansexual orgy-slash-play-slash-Satanic FUNNNtual called the “Cremation of Care.” It’s a hilarious, rockin’ good time, where all the oligarchs burn their worldly cares in a giant owl—modeled after Olig-Archie, the Club’s cute mascot! Oh, quick note: women & children are not allowed to attend the “Cremation of Care.” Under any circumstances whatsoever. Just ask Samantha there what happens if a gal’s caught watching it. Right, Sammie? Hahahahaha, GO-GO BOHO, hoooot-hoot!

Campers having fun at lunch!

As the Bohemian Grove’s camp counselors, it’s our job to make sure that oligarchs who come here have a totally awesome Summer. We want them to enjoy what the Grove has to offer, make new friendships, & maybe even learn a bit about how to control the world & its people better—just like any kids at camp! So, in addition to never ever ever telling anyone what goes on, like never ever ever for real, that means we have three main tasks:

Staying positive at all times! No bad vibes are allowed here at the Grove. That means if—hahaha sorry, WHEN!—you see a politician who’s killed an intern or molested a kid, don’t bring it up! When you see an oil, tobacco, or food corporation’s CEO, don’t bring up “climate change,” health studies, or famine! Yikes, nooo way. Good vibes ONLY, hoot-hoot? Hoot-hoot. Obeying the Bohemian Club motto! “Weaving Spiders Come Not Here.” So, no talk of business, & DEFINITELY no asking anyone for a job. People like Presidential advisor David Gergen, President George H. W. Bush, & even Clint Eastwood come through the Grove. They don’t want to be hit up by we lowly staff! They just want to hang out with their friends, have some sex with male prosti-hoots, & do a few Satanic FUNtuals! Classic Summer stuff, you know? Please note that this rule does not apply in the Richard M. Nixon Memorial Arts & Crafts Cabin, which does offer a web-weaving class.

3. No making eye contact, even if you’re a prosti-hoot!

Easy to remember, right? Don’t worry, we’ll have more meetings during the lead-up—especially regarding “President” Trump’s visit, since he’s the first tasteless moron ever allowed in the Grove—but for now, just review the Club handbooks that Jamie’s passing out, & get to know your fellow counselors! The Club has graciously provided us with some Hi-C, grilled cheeses, & cocaine. Do a line, take a bite, & welcome to the Grove! Gimme one more GO-GO BOHO, HOOOOOOOOT-HOOT!