Elimination Number: 6

Ron Kantowski, a sports writer who pens a column for a seemingly reputable news organization, wrote this recently in a piece about a 12-and-under baseball tournament:

A lot of those teams probably could take the Astros in a best-of-7 series. Especially the Wakefield Gorillas.

I’ll admit that I’m no Dave Cameron. I’m no Jeff Sullivan and I’m (thankfully) no Eno Sarris. I don’t fancy myself an analyst. I’m more of a big-picture guy. An idea man. I’m not saying I’m the Don Draper of the FanGraphs community, but if one were to be chosen, it would be a tie between me and Baumann and I have way more hair than he does. However, despite my lack of experience in the analysis field, the above quote does not seem accurate to me. Maybe it’s my stupid right-brained approach to things, but I would surmise that even the best Little League team in the west, the Eastlake team from Chula Vista — a representative in the LLWS — couldn’t beat the Astros in a best-of-seven series. But can we prove it? Can we objectively prove that a team of 12-year-olds could not beat a team constructed of adult men with Major-League experience? Well, let’s try.

Baumann’s research on catcher framing not withstanding, there isn’t a whole lot of stats to mine for these little league teams. Eastlake’s own web site provides no stats, most likely because it was made in Microsoft FrontPage 97. So I think the best way to come to judgment — to decipher if a group of children could beat men at a sport the men are paid at least six figures to play — is to just go down the roster for some good old-fashioned lineup comparison.

Catcher

Eastlake – Patrick Archer

Compact swing

Good up-the-middle approach

Astros – Jason Castro

Actual MLB All-Star

Has logged hits against professional pitchers

A grown man

Advantage: Castro

First Base

Eastlake – Giancarlo Cortez

Strong lower half

Good contact skills

Plus footwork

Astros – Brett Wallace

Weighs 260 lbs.

Is not a child

A league-average hitter, but the league is the Major League

Advantage: Wallace

Second Base

Eastlake – Micah Pietila-Wiggs

Good lateral movement

Bat plays at the top of the lineup

Athletic build

Astros – Jose Altuve

Slight height advantage

Big muscles. Like muscles a man would have

Advantage: Altuve

Third Base

Eastlake – Rennard Williams

Can barrel the ball well

Large contact zone in the swing

Can also pitch

Astros – Matt Dominguez

Spends a lot of time at the gym — to which he can drive himself

Knows the loving caress of a woman

Hand fits in regulation glove

Advantage: Dominguez

Shortstop

Eastlake – Nick Mora

Power to all fields

Drives in runs

Astros – Jonathan Villar

Stole home in a Major-League game

Stole home in a Major-League game

Stole home in a Major-League game

Advantage: Villar

Left Field

Eastlake – Kevin Bateman II

Very good bat speed

Strong footwork

Fluid mechanics

Astros – Chris Carter

Could bench press the entire Eastlake team

Once won an arm-wresting contest to gain custody of his son

Can count above 1,000

Advantage: Carter

Center Field

Eastlake – Jake Espinoza

Line-drive power

Strong throwing arm

Good balance at plate

Astros – Robbie Grossman

Can easily buy cigarettes

Long legs, especially compared to a pre-teen

Has improved his left-handed swing that can now hit 400 ft. home runs

Advantage: Grossman

Right Field

Eastlake – Charly Peterson

Level swing

Good situational hitter

Can pitch in relief

Astros – L.J. Hoes

His mom doesn’t cut his hair

Once got a hit off Bartolo Colon

Can vote for President

Advantage: Hoes

Starting Pitcher

Eastlake – Grant Hollman

Smooth delivery

Pitches downhill

Deceptive speed

Astros – Jarred Cosart

Won a game in the Majors

Got a strikeout in the Majors

Throws over 90 MPH

Advantage: Cosart

So, as we can see, it wouldn’t be close, at least by my measurements. But again, I’m not a professional sports writer like Ron Kantowski, so what the frick do I know?

(h/t to @AstrosCounty for the link)