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Being single can be loads of fun, we all know that. The dating, the girls’ holidays, not having to answer to someone or attend their boring friends’ birthdays. But why do we assume that it’s a temporary phase? Why are we told to “enjoy it while it lasts” or that “you’ll meet someone eventually”? What if – actually – we never meet anyone with whom to spend our lives?

Despite the many ways of defining sexuality and relationships that have emerged recently – from polyamory to pansexuality – it seems like women who remain alone forever, either out of choice or otherwise, are the last taboo. There are pretty much zero TV or film depictions of single women over 35, and the most enduring image of the ‘spinster’ is probably still Great Expectations ’ Miss Havisham in her mouldy wedding dress. This despite the fact that more than half of the UK’s one-person households are now female-occupied. Have the centuries where there were few options for women other than marriage left such a mark that we’re scared to tell the stories of those who choose a different path?

Professor Bella DePaulo, 60, a social scientist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, has spent the last 20 years focusing on what she calls “singles studies”: measuring the impact that singledom has on people as well as the way society treats them. “I was always really happy with my single life,” she explains. “I never imagined what my wedding dress would look like or anything like that. Yet for a long time I thought that maybe I was just slow at getting there, that I’d be bitten by the ‘marriage bug’ at some point. I can’t remember when it was I realised, no, I’m never going to want that. Single is who I am. It was so freeing.”

However, she found herself perturbed by the lack of writing on long-term singledom, or even any positive examples of it. “All the reports I read in the media were that marriage makes you happier, healthier and live longer, and it just wasn’t in line with my experiences,” she says.

So she started carrying out her own research. “I found there are such huge benefits to staying single. Women, especially, are more likely to enjoy solitude than men are. Single women find being alone is a wonderful time for restoration, creativity and personal growth. And there are so many more opportunities to create the life you want, such as travelling, following your passions and doing meaningful work.”

Marketing executive Helen Patterson, 44, has been single for 10 years and describes life as “simpler than ever”. “I was 8 years old when I first heard the word ‘spinster’,” she remembers. “I said to my mum, ‘That’s what I want to be when I grow up.’ And nothing’s changed!” However, she says this doesn’t mean she can’t enjoy romantic company. “My friend and I came up with the phrase ‘casual monogamy’,” she explains. “It’s like, I don’t want to meet your parents or move in with you, but I’m happy to hang out with you and have lots of hot sex with you and only you. Sadly, this concept seems to be rather exclusive to me and my friends!”

9 break up signs you should know 9 show all 9 break up signs you should know 1/9 You’re arguing all the time You try and try, but you keep fighting over the same things. Or one big thing. Either way, you never resolve it so the arguing continues. If you can’t get past your problems, then maybe it’s time to part ways before things get worse. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 2/9 You don’t want to make sacrifices Compromise is a major part of being in a relationship, but if you’re growing resentful about the amount of time, effort and money you’re putting into a relationship, chances are you’re not invested in the long-haul. If a night out with friends consistently takes priority over spending the weekend at your partner’s parents house, it might be a sign that you’re yearning for your independence. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 3/9 You don’t make time for each other anymore In the early stages of the relationship you’d message each other all the time. Now you can barely be bothered to text them back, let alone spare some time for a call. If you’ve reached the point where you’re actively ignoring their attempts to contact you, it’s time to have the talk. Copyright (c) 2013 Rex Features. No use without permission. 4/9 The reasons to stay together are trivial He’s financially stable. She’s good at cooking. These might be nice additions to a relationship, but they shouldn’t be the reason why you're still together. The same applies to the ‘I'm scared I won’t meet anyone else’ excuse. Copyright (c) 2016 Rex Features. No use without permission. 5/9 Everything your partner does bothers you Remember how you used to find their strange laugh endearing? Or his stubborn nature cute? Now you they just drive to despair. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 6/9 You’ve stopped having sex There’s no ‘normal’ to the amount of sex you should be having, but there’s a difference between cooling down after the initial honeymoon period, and cooling off all together. If you’ve swapped orgasms for a DVD box set of Downton Abbey, it might be time to reassess. Copyright (c) 2013 Rex Features. No use without permission. 7/9 You want different things Kids. Jobs. Mortgages. These are big decisions to make as a couple that will only work if both of your lives are heading towards the same goal. Perhaps you want to travel for a year, or take an opportunity abroad? Before you go any further, make sure you’re both on the same path. Otherwise, it might mean it’s time to move on. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 8/9 The people closest to you express concern You’re friends, family and co-workers have an objective view of your relationship. If several people sound the alarm about how your relationship is negatively affecting you, it’s time to listen up. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 9/9 You’re thinking about what else might be out there It used to be that you wanted to spend every night and waking moment together, but now you’re daydreaming about bachelorhood, romanticising past relationships or even making contact with old flames. Either way, you already have one foot out of the door. Copyright (c) 2016 Rex Features. No use without permission. 1/9 You’re arguing all the time You try and try, but you keep fighting over the same things. Or one big thing. Either way, you never resolve it so the arguing continues. If you can’t get past your problems, then maybe it’s time to part ways before things get worse. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 2/9 You don’t want to make sacrifices Compromise is a major part of being in a relationship, but if you’re growing resentful about the amount of time, effort and money you’re putting into a relationship, chances are you’re not invested in the long-haul. If a night out with friends consistently takes priority over spending the weekend at your partner’s parents house, it might be a sign that you’re yearning for your independence. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 3/9 You don’t make time for each other anymore In the early stages of the relationship you’d message each other all the time. Now you can barely be bothered to text them back, let alone spare some time for a call. If you’ve reached the point where you’re actively ignoring their attempts to contact you, it’s time to have the talk. Copyright (c) 2013 Rex Features. No use without permission. 4/9 The reasons to stay together are trivial He’s financially stable. She’s good at cooking. These might be nice additions to a relationship, but they shouldn’t be the reason why you're still together. The same applies to the ‘I'm scared I won’t meet anyone else’ excuse. Copyright (c) 2016 Rex Features. No use without permission. 5/9 Everything your partner does bothers you Remember how you used to find their strange laugh endearing? Or his stubborn nature cute? Now you they just drive to despair. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 6/9 You’ve stopped having sex There’s no ‘normal’ to the amount of sex you should be having, but there’s a difference between cooling down after the initial honeymoon period, and cooling off all together. If you’ve swapped orgasms for a DVD box set of Downton Abbey, it might be time to reassess. Copyright (c) 2013 Rex Features. No use without permission. 7/9 You want different things Kids. Jobs. Mortgages. These are big decisions to make as a couple that will only work if both of your lives are heading towards the same goal. Perhaps you want to travel for a year, or take an opportunity abroad? Before you go any further, make sure you’re both on the same path. Otherwise, it might mean it’s time to move on. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 8/9 The people closest to you express concern You’re friends, family and co-workers have an objective view of your relationship. If several people sound the alarm about how your relationship is negatively affecting you, it’s time to listen up. Copyright (c) 2015 Rex Features. No use without permission. 9/9 You’re thinking about what else might be out there It used to be that you wanted to spend every night and waking moment together, but now you’re daydreaming about bachelorhood, romanticising past relationships or even making contact with old flames. Either way, you already have one foot out of the door. Copyright (c) 2016 Rex Features. No use without permission.

Although she still dabbles in dating, Helen says she finds men her age are either looking for casual sex or marriage. “I think there’s a lot of grey area in-between. I could quite happily date someone until the day I die and not want it to get any more serious than that. My last relationship was this set-up, but after two years he started asking me where it was going. I was like, ‘Does it have to go somewhere?’”

Not all single women are on their own out of choice, of course – some simply haven’t met someone they want to commit to. Melanie, 53, a lawyer at a publishing firm, always envisaged herself settling down with someone because – unlike Bella or Helen – she knew she wanted children. “The pressure was on me to find a relationship so that I could be a mother. However, I never found one that I felt was worth sticking with in order to have a child,” she recalls.

She made the decision to adopt when she was in her early 40s. “It is harder having a child on your own, but it’s not impossible,” she says. “But then again, if I’d had a partner I’d also have the stress of dealing with the relationship on top. It’s not better or worse, it’s just what I’ve been dealt, and I’m happy with it.”

One assumption is that not meeting a partner equals a life of loneliness. But Bella says her studies show the opposite. “When you look at research that follows people over the course of their lives, you see that on average married people become more insular,” she says. “Single women are particularly good at maintaining friendships and social circles, and seeing family more often.” Both Helen and Melanie report having strong circles of friends, with a mixture of couples and other singles around them. “You can still develop meaningful friendships without a romantic relationship,” remarks Melanie, who’s even talking about moving into a communally owned house with friends as they reach retirement.

Of course, being an older single woman still brings some negative attention. “When I tell certain people I’m single they’ll say ‘Ahhhh’ in a really sympathetic way, as if I’ve just told them I’ve got breast cancer,” laughs Helen. Melanie adds: “I think the external pressure tends to come from other women, as if they’re trying to justify their own stories to themselves. Whereas men often say to me ‘You’re so lucky’ or ‘I’d love to be single again’.”

She also says that watching a number of friends divorce recently has made her even more thankful for her situation. “I think it’s incredibly difficult for women who’ve spent years bringing up children, borne the brunt of the domestic work, and now have to rediscover who they are on their own,” she explains. “You may take some risks as a single person, but you definitely avoid others.” Bella also explains that, while long-term single and married people have similar life expectancies, divorce is a big factor in dying earlier.

The other risk for many women is the perceived financial downside. “I think it’s terrible that, even though women now have the education and careers that were supposed to free us from marriage, we can still end up stuck in bad relationships because the cost of living is so high,” says Helen. “I earn a good salary, but I have to make sure I have savings because, if I lost it, there would be no second income to support me.”

However, there’s an upside to not sharing your home, even if it’s pricier. “Having your own bedroom and bathroom!” laughs Melanie. “That’s definitely one of the best things about being single. It’s so weird how you’re expected to share your personal space with someone.”

Overall, though, the women are keen to stress that it’s not necessarily better to be single than coupled up – it’s down to what suits you. “It’s not being in a relationship or being single that will make you happy, it’s what you do within that space that counts,” advises Melanie. “Even if you don’t necessarily choose it, it doesn’t mean you’ve ended up with second-best.”

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