Mail News: Andy Murray’s historic victory yesterday formed a ‘perfect events alignment’ with Abu Qatada’s explusion and the Lion’s rugby win – provoking spontaneous orgasm amongst Daily Mail readers everywhere.

“I haven’t been this happy since that pop star died of AIDS,” said Joyce Merryweather, Tunbridge Wells, who was watching the tennis in the garden.

“Normally I don’t approve of Scottish people, but after that victory I think we all agree that Andy Murray’s basically English now, isn’t he? Anyway soon as he beat that seedy Polish man I had to change my girdle.”

With news that Abu Qatada was safely being paid for by some other tax payers, added to the sight of decent young rugby blokes barging their way into the history books, it was all simply too much for some.

“I haven’t glued up my jim-jams like that since Dolly Parton was on Wogan,” said James Reece, Chester.

“I was already opening a bloody decent claret after the news came through that the lazy terrorist was off our soil and scrounging for torture off some other chumps when my son rang up from Dubai absolutely plastered because of the rugger and reminded me the tennis was on.”

“I really think this is where England turns it around. While I was wiping up the belly mustard off the top of the little captain, I thought to myself ‘this is where we get off the back foot make Britain great again’.”

Story: Roland Marks and Jasper Gibson