GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate. “Sanders!” the petroleum tycoon reportedly snarled, throwing his silk top hat to the floor and stomping on it in aggrievement before shaking his ruby-encrusted cane at the television set and growling that he would make the Vermont senator pay. “Impose a carbon tax on me, will you? Well, you’ll see what happens when someone tries to make a fool of F. P. Harriman. Rutherford! Come fetch me my telephone! A meeting of the Industrialist League must be called posthaste.” At press time, Sanders’ mention of raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans had caused Harriman’s eyes to go wide and his monocle to fall directly into his flute of 1907 Diamant Bleu champagne.

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