WASHINGTON—In an effort to reduce motor vehicle injuries and fatalities stemming from drunk driving, officials at the Department of Transportation announced Wednesday the opening of new highway lanes lined with padded bumpers, which have been installed on interstates nationwide for use by intoxicated drivers. “It’s really quite simple—if you’re already behind the wheel and you feel like you’ve had too much to drink, simply veer into the special lane at the first entry point and careen safely from bumper to bumper until you reach your exit,” said department secretary Anthony Foxx, noting that the bumpers were specially constructed to cushion the impact of a swerving vehicle and gently push it back toward the center of the lane. “You can also use your car to lightly nudge other intoxicated motorists out of your way and into the padded barriers, or even doze off for a little bit while you drive if you need to.” Foxx said the Transportation Department hopes the new initiative achieves the same level of success as its interstate conveyor-belt lanes, which help prevent backups by accelerating stoned drivers to the normal speed of traffic.

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