DECEMBER 7--Late last month, two cops with Pennsylvania’s Plains Township Police Department were on patrol around midnight when they spotted a man standing in the parking lot of a nightclub with his jeans on the ground.

As detailed in a November 25 criminal complaint, the officers reported that the suspect “was inserting an unknown pink object into his anus.” The cops added, “The unknown male was also masturbating.” Additionally, both investigators “observed the unknown male holding his penis looking at both Officers.”

After trying to walk away from the patrolmen, Robert Matello, 49, stopped to chat. Matello, the cops noted, smelled of booze and had red, bloodshot eyes.

When Officer Michael Smith asked Matello if he was carrying a weapon, he gave an answer never previously memorialized in a police report:

“Yes, I have a pink dildo,” Matello replied.

At that point, Matello removed the sex toy from his pants pocket and attempted to hand it to Smith, an offer apparently declined by the officer.

Matello, pictured above in a mug shot snapped after a prior bad check collar, went on to say that he “was only pleasuring himself,” according to the complaint. And that he was “just spanking his ass.”

Despite these reasonable explanations, Matello was still charged with indecent exposure, open lewdness, and public drunkenness. He is scheduled for a January 17 preliminary hearing in a Luzerne County Magisterial District Court. (2 pages)