Hey gang, sorry this review is a few days late, but I just started a paid (!) job (!!) in social media/editing (!!!) this week, and I’m in the process of moving out to the city for said job. Everything is in a lot of flux right now so I really have no idea when the next review will go up, either, but it’ll happen.

On to the Morphs.

Jake and his family are at a fancy restaurant. Jake’s talking about Tom’s old basketball glories and his dad is eating bread. So here’s some stuff: Jake’s dad works for a clinic or something and they’ve finally gotten shit off the ground after lots of hard work.

Oh, good, Visser Trent is here.

He stalks his way toward Jake, who grows inreasingly paranoid if the camerawork is anything to go by. Then he stands behind Jake and we go into the opening. Suspense I suppose.

After the song, Jake’s dad gets up and shakes Visser Three’s hand, which really spooks Jake’s voiceover. Hey, it turns out Jake’s dad is an alien overlord. Nah, he and Trent are just Business Buddies. There’s a silly gag where Trent and Tom are both grossed out by escargot because slugs; Jake passively-aggressively shovels them down his mouth while Trent makes a face and what is gong on?

Jake’s dad asks our hero to help him out at the clinic over the weekend. Tom is like “NO I WANT TO TAKE HIM TO THE SHARING AND NOT PUT A SLUG IN HIS EAR.” Jake takes the former option.

At Weekend Work, Jake spends his time chatting in a totally realistic chat program to his friends who are gathered at the totally realistic Cyber Cafe.

Ax decided to show up on the show this week and he is eating everything in the goddamn world. He eats a hot dog like corn-on-the-cob.

Apparently some big VIP guest is coming to the clinic for its opening. Rachel and Cassie hope that it will be “someone cool, like Jason John McCole.” I guess they already forgot the time they saved him from alien slavery and he retired from acting in horror. But whatever, fuck continuity, Ax is asking (ax-ing?) if hamburgers are made out of ham.

At the clinic, Jake’s dad is getting nervous about all the security equipment and dudes in suits and barrels full of hazardous materials that Visser Trent has filled the building with.

One of the suits tells Jake he has to get the fuck out before the Governor, who has just announced his candidacy for President, shows up.

Jake flees to the barn, where he expresses his concerns about all the spooky shit happening. Marco puts together the idea that a Yeerk-controlled Governor-turned-President might be bad for them. Then…oh, what? Ax uses magic to turn Marco’s Blockbuster Card (lol) into an all-purpose unlock-any-door-on-Earth card. Was this script unfinished or what. They all acquire a cockroach because it doesn’t matter.

At the clinic, our four cockroaches watch the Governor enter the building.

Visser Trent is there too and they are the best of buddies. Jake’s Dad starts to realize just how little control he has over his life when his own security pass won’t let him into the elevator. Maybe he and Marco’s Dad can eat ice cream together and sob.

Our heroes end up inside the clinic in human form somehow (okay) and start doing sneaky stuff. Rachel does some junk on the computer and there’s a bunch of shots of security cam footage and despite the music’s insisistance otherwise, none of it is exciting. Oh, it turns out there’s a lil’ Yeerk Pool in the building. Rachel, never failing us, says aloud and to herself: “It’s a Yeerk Pool.”

Meanwhile, Jake, Marco and Cassie find the “Hydrotherapy Room” (read: Yeerk Sludge Sauna). I hope they brought their oatmeal.

The Glasses Yeerk guy shows up to find Rachel in the computer room, but she bugs out of there so that’s irrelevant. Jake can’t get his magic card to work on the door, but I guess that’s understandable since his card is total bullshit. Jake says “Ax said this could break any code” and Cassie says “Any HUMAN code” and WHAT THE FUCK SENSE DOES THAT MAKE, CASSIE.

Rachel shows up and Visser Three is stalking toward them but then they are all cockroaches so whatever.

The roach gang runs into a cleaning lady who tries to murder them with bugspray, but they escape into a vent. Marco says, “This is a bad morph” and I’m starting to feel that way about my life.

So the roach-kids end up in a vent above the Yeerk Pool room. Visser Trent finds the Governor getting a massage and invites him to enjoy the hydrotherapy sauna. The kids morph back to human in the vent (because?). The increase in weight causes Jake to fall through the vent and into the tub-sized Yeerk Pool, which makes sense, because the vent seems to be made of construction paper and cardboard.

Also, this guy is crushed to death by the falling ceiling.

I am not being facetious. He dies.

The other kids fall down, too, and Cassie pulls an unconscious Jake out of the pool.

Marco sticks a chair against the door as Trent tries to get into the room. Rahcel says “He’s unconscious,” so that’s what she says. Jake decides to sort of wake up. The goons break down the door and Rachel horrifyingly morphs into a lion to chase them while the others get away with Jake on a stretcher.

But first, Marco destroys the Kandrona source and turns the heat up so high on the pool that the Yeerk slugs inside boil to death.

Oh.

Marco.

OH.

The Governor decides “fuck this” because a lion just chased him through a wellness clinic. Outside, Jake comes to his senses. Everyone is really glad that Jake didn’t get yet another brain injury or anything, but just as the episode ends, he smirks an evil smirk at the camera.

Oh shit!

TO BE CONTINUED.

Final Thoughts:

I’m gonna just deal with this when I review Part II. See you morph-monkeys next week.