King of Charm: David Warner began the latest saga of mind games. Credit:Glenn Campbell Alongside attritional cricket, we saw the attritional planting of doubt by opponents who still - after all these years - have colonial dislike on which to feed. By the end, it seemed obvious to me that England's method of responding to every dig as any serious professional organisation would was dignified but futile. A game was being played, and the best way to deal with that level of mischief is to show how risible or transparent it is. Instead, Australia too often forced England into reputation-defending mode, not just on the carousing front, but in the cricket, with talk of "scared eyes" and "scars" and "broken careers". Which is where your head of comedy would come in (not literally, but in the overall approach). In retrospect, for example, the Jonny Bairstow butt furore should have been laughed out of court, and exposed for what it was: a belated exaggeration of a minor bump, channelled through sledging, some of which allegedly became very "personal" from the Australian side (which, in turn, England and Bairstow chose not to expose). The chronology is instructive, and began with the King of Charm, David Warner, who punched Joe Root in Birmingham's Walkabout Bar in 2013, claiming England had "scared eyes" in Brisbane later that year. Warner also told ABC Grandstand: "You have to delve and dig deep into yourself to actually get some hatred about them to actually get up when you're out there. History is a big part in this and that is what carries us on to the ground."

In the same news cycle, Steve Smith made sure he exploited Ben Stokes's absence on disciplinary grounds, saying: "I certainly don't condone that kind of behaviour [Stokes was arrested on suspicion of actual bodily harm after an incident outside a Bristol nightclub in September]." England are no angels in the propaganda game. There is a long history of jousting on both sides. But in this series Australian cricket and parts of their media were impressively united. On my first working day at the series, I went to listen to several Australia players, and was surprised to find Nathan Lyon letting off firecrackers. "We knew they were broken. We knew Matt Prior wanted to fly home before the game started, and he was one of the senior players," Lyon said of the Perth Test four years previously. Why did Prior want to go home, we asked? "He was scared," Lyon replied. This was a pretty low accusation - and a false one, according to the experts. Prior's game was in a mess, but not his courage. Lyon talked of "scars" and "ending careers" and bouncers. All standard softening-up, but the flow never stopped, from headlines about "boozy Poms" (justified, in some respects) to Ricky Ponting saying of Joe Root in Melbourne: "The way he answered a lot of the questions after the game last week seemed almost like a little boy. You need to be more than that as a leader, especially when things aren't going well. It just looks like it has been a little bit soft."

In follow-up reports, Bairstow was quoted as "defending" Root. This is how it works. You insult somebody and then force his mate to defend him. Two hits in one. Then came the phantom "ball-tampering" episode in Melbourne, which moved ESPN cricinfo's George Dobell to write an excellent piece originally entitled, "The Ashes is sinking into the mire of its own bull----," which was later changed to "hogwash". Dobell wrote of the fake furore: "Anyone looking closely - or doing some research - might have seen the England bowlers were standing next to the umpires when the "incident" occurred. They might also have noticed that any alleged scratching was to the shiny side of the ball; an action that would counter the attempts to gain reverse swing." From the same author: "When the Jonny Bairstow "buttgate" incident was first reported, one newspaper's page lead called it a "nightclub attack" while Moeen Ali - that's the Muslim Moeen Ali - was recently asked if he was going "to be able to keep out of the pub" for a few days. It is relentless, it is cheap, it is hysterical, it is parochial and, most of all, it is really, really boring." Loading On some level, though, it was also effective, which suggests England need to plan for it next time. Might I suggest a belly-laugh every time Australia try it on, and perhaps some jokes back in their direction? If England cannot beat them at cricket, they might win the comedy. Telegraph UK