Share 0 SHARES

THIS just in: A number of extra fees and charges are to be implemented by publicans when the restrictions surrounding Covid-19 are lifted, according to a report we’ve just written and published on the internet.

These measures are aimed at making up lost revenue, probably, and include:

A flat entry fee, not unlike that into a nightclub. This will effectively kill the pub crawl.

Johnnies from the Johnny machine will go up to 24 euro for a pack of two. Coins accepted only.

Bacon Fries face 700% cost increases.

Pints will go up by a euro apiece. This isn’t one of ours, this is something we saw reported as news yesterday, later refuted by the Taoiseach. Regardless, we’re reporting it as news.

Pubs will re-open next week for one day a week, then close again until November where they will re-open for a week. This will go on until they’re fully re-opened in 2023. This is fact, we saw it on Whatsapp.

Children will be allowed in the pub until whatever time they want, as long as they’re drinking.

Off licences are to be closed for one month to allow pubs to ‘catch up’.

Spirits are to be sold in double portions only in a bid to ‘ramp up’ how much money people spend.

Special ‘no sipping’ rules are to be brought in, to increase turnaround. Drink it, buy another, drink it, fuck off.

Ice is a fiver.

Sky Sports is to be replaced with a Windows 95 screensaver.More to follow, as we make them up.