Online dating profiles: Crossing the line?

Someone asked me a really interesting question the other day. She said, "I have an amazing friend who happens to be in a wheelchair. She's having a hard time online dating, especially after one guy walked into the bar and left after seeing her. Do you have any advice for her?"

Besides this situation being a horrible and unforgivable thing to happen to this young woman, this is obviously a far cry from the usual (often more shallow) dating questions I get. While I want to address the question directly, I first want to talk about something more general. What should you disclose in your online dating profile and what shouldn't you?

As you know from previous articles, I'm all for being yourself. In fact, I often push people to go out of their way to be themselves, even if it turns people off. But what does it mean to truly put yourself out there? It means sharing something that may not be ideal to others if it's what makes you, well, you.

I want to separate things into two categories, ones that you should tell people before they meet you, and ones that should be shared only when the time is right and you feel comfortable.

I have worked with all different people — men and women, gay and straight, young and old. I have also worked with clients who have had various traits that make them unique in some way. Freckles, beards, long hair, high-pitched voices. There have also been clients who have been deaf or legally blind or in a wheelchair. I have also worked with clients who have had what we'll call "invisible illnesses" like Irritable Bowel Syndrome, an STD or even a snoring problem. All have asked me in some way or another whether they should put this "thing" into the online dating profile. The answer is simple: If it makes you the you that you are, and it's something that someone will know the minute they meet you, then it's best to add it to the profile.

Just as I have said before about your job or your eating habits, it's not the sole thing that defines you. Nor are any of the traits listed above. If you have one of the attributes that will affect you and your partner from the first time you meet, then it's worth sharing up front. But is it worth more than a line or two? Absolutely not. For example, a client wrote this paragraph at the end of his OkCupid profile:

"I try to personify the term 'positive energy.' I expect a lot of myself and try to always make the most out of life. I believe that happiness is something you choose, and I make that choice daily. Especially, being considered legally blind, I certainly have my fair share of awkward moments and run-ins with the wall. I can see well enough to live a regular life, though, just not one where I drive!"

By not sharing this relevant information, this client might open himself to the perception that he is hiding something. It's the same as if you didn't share your physical appearance or your age accurately. Nothing good comes out of starting with a lie or a relevant omission. If a potential partner is uncomfortable with the fact that this gentleman has impaired vision, then she doesn't need to respond to his email or engage him. He knows, though, that the women who do agree to a date know just who they're meeting.

As for the things that you cannot see at first glance, the invisible ones, these do not, and likely should not, be put in your online dating profile. While, of course, it's important to share anything important like this with your partner, and I would never condone hiding something in the long run, these are things that will come out when you're comfortable and ready. You certainly don't have to share with the online dating world anything so personal.

Back to my friend's friend, here's what I would say:

I'm so sorry you had to endure someone's ignorance. You know who that reflects poorly on? Him, and only him. Do share with people that you use a wheelchair. If they decide to judge you for it and not go on the date, that's their prerogative. It's no different from someone not liking someone's hair or nose and declining a date. In the end, all you can do is be honest and be confident. Try this on for size: "While I may not be able to reach the highest shelf, I do always come with my own set of wheels." Best of luck!

Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.