Patriarchy in Mormonism negatively impacts men and boys by afflicting them with shame, anxiety, and unrealistic expectations. I term this “Toxic Mormon Masculinity.”

When I’ve written about a particular effect that our patriarchal church system has on women, like breastfeeding in church or how we respond to a young woman’s outfit, readers are sometimes curious about my thoughts on how men can be affected as well.

Today I’ll tackle that request by taking a closer look at the ways gender essentialism (the idea that our innate traits and attributes are due to our sex) and patriarchy (a gender-based hierarchy which assigns most power to men) harms men and boys, limits their options, and stunts their healthy development, both psychologically and spiritually. This damage radiates outward in ways that harm men, women, relationships, and society as a whole.

Talking about “Toxic Mormon Masculinity” relies on a foundational understanding of its parent term, Toxic Masculinity. When society narrowly proscribes what it means to be male, and when masculine traits get taken to the extreme, (like emotional stoicism, violence, and sexual aggression) Toxic Masculinity magnifies a man’s very worst learned tendencies and behaviors.

Remember Gaston from Beauty and the Beast? This is “Toxic” Masculinity on full display: dominance, arrogance, bullying, physical aggression, violence, homophobia, insensitivity, and hyper-sexuality, all wrapped up into one character who is all wrapped up in himself. Gaston is such a caricature of toxic masculinity that we can laugh at him, but we’ve all encountered Gastons in our schools, workplaces, communities, and wards. He resonates because he exhibits, in extreme form, traits that some still see as desirable and powerful for men and leaders.

How do we reverse course on hyper-masculinity and its deleterious effects?

Psychologist Janet Shibley Hyde, PhD, wrote in 2005 that there is greater variety within a gender than there is between genders, and that gender role stereotypes are learned behavior, not innate and universal as some presume.

If men and women are inherently more similar than previously thought, why do men have such differing outcomes?

The statistics are sobering. Men are far more prone to commit violence and acts of physical aggression. They are more likely to suppress emotion and suffer the resulting psychological effects of doing so. They are more likely to be the perpetrator in a sexual assault, and the least likely victims to report being sexually assaulted. Toxic Masculinity hurts men, and it hurts society at large.

Teachings on Mormon masculinity diverge from mainstream masculinity in several important, non-toxic ways. Following the path of Christ, LDS men are encouraged to be servants to others, to be loving parents and spouses. While Toxic Masculinity wrongly discourages men from exhibiting “feminine” traits like kindness, gentleness, nurturing, or collaboration, LDS doctrine emphasizes that men should be compassionate and charitable. These teachings have an impact. To their credit, most Mormon men do not exhibit the more overtly machismo type of toxic masculinity.

However, many LDS church leaders still preach gender essentialist beliefs as doctrine and elevate gender roles as divine and eternal, despite the dissonance it creates in many young women and young men.

Instead of embracing a full spectrum of positive human traits, Mormon men are instructed to perform their masculinity in particular ways, especially in regard to presiding, leadership and decision-making. Gendered expectations are presented as “the ideal,” with direction for “How-to be a Righteous Priesthood Holder” entwined with manhood and fatherhood. Maleness is almost always equated with Priesthood, and less frequently with fatherhood (unlike women, whose femaleness is almost always equated with motherhood). Men are encouraged to “rise up,” and “lead out.” But when they don’t perform as expected, many men internalize shame because of their perceived failures.

Modern Mormon men show deep strength of character as they develop Christ-like attributes regardless of gendered stereotypes. Jesus taught everyone to love one another, to turn the other cheek, to create peace, to forgive, to show kindness, and was no respecter of persons. Gender role stereotypes are inherently limiting because the wholeness of pursuing Christ-like attributes surpasses maleness or femaleness.

With the help of consultations with dozens of Mormon men, I’ve compiled a list of specific ways we’ve observed how patriarchy hurts everyone, including men.

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It Stinks to be a Sole-Provider

“Providing for the family” is a hallmark expectation of Mormon masculinity teachings.

Many men reported intense pressure to provide for the family on their income alone. They felt pushed into pursuing more lucrative careers out of duty, and discouraged from following their own personal interests. In contrast to financial partnership marriages with two incomes, men who are sole-providers face extra pressure if they are ever fired, unemployed, or if they become injured or disabled and unable to work. Some men reported working two or more jobs so that their wives “didn’t have to work.” Providing a “work-free” life, rather, “profession-free” life, for a stay-home wife is seen as a badge of honor. Many men reported feeling shame at hearing comments like, “Did your wife have to go back to work?” and “He just doesn’t make enough for his wife to stay home.”

When righteous Mormon motherhood is defined as staying home to raise children, Mormon fathers face tremendous pressure to provide for the whole family so that SHE can live her divine role. Forcing men into sole-providing roles and women into sole-caregiving roles can minimize their ability to work together as partners. Parents should determine how to provide for and nurture their children in whatever balance works best for them.

The unrealistic expectation to be a sole provider may inhibit some men from pursuing marriage altogether.

One friend states, “Definitely the sole provider idea stressed me out a *ton* as a teenager. I said over and over that I didn’t ever want to get married, and it wasn’t just because I was shy (which I was), it was mostly that I was so worried that I would never be able to get a job that made enough money to support my family. And it was clear to me that to be righteous, my family would be required to have as many kids as possible. I didn’t think I could even provide for *myself*, let alone a wife and a ton of kids.”

When a man believes his divine responsibility is to be a sole-provider, to the exclusion of allowing his wife to participate in their financial partnership, or experiences shame when she does contribute financially, he suffers the effects of Toxic Mormon Masculinity.

Pushed into Patriarchal Presiding

Men are told their divine appointment is to preside in the home, and then they are given specific lists of things that count as “presiding.”

Not all men want to preside, but not because they are lazy or cowardly. Many men are deeply uncomfortable with the idea that their stance toward their wives and children should be one of wielding authority over them.

Not all men believe exercising dominion is their God-given duty, nor do they wish to develop this trait. Many men express deep desires for partnership marriages. They not want to preside over their wives, but to work together as complete equals. They find it troubling when benevolent patriarchy tells them that they’re supposed to be in charge, but as long as they’re nice about it. In speaking about equal partnership in marriage, my friend Ziff said: “Patriarchy was never benevolent, and dominion was never righteous.”

Another friend told me that the expectation to preside at home was like being “forced into wearing an ill-fitted jacket,” and that neither spouse should have unilateral “veto power” over the other.

One man shared: “As the inevitable marriage friction arose, my good-Mormon-brain basically said ‘We’re having problems because I’m not being a good enough priesthood leader for my family. More church! More scriptures! No time for empathy, we need action!’ Ashamedly, I think I was the epitome of toxic masculinity justified through ‘religious’ adherence.”

A man in Sunday school class made the comment, “I come home from work and I’m tired and stressed, but I should be a better patriarch and lead my family in prayer and scripture study.”

When judged to be presiding improperly, some men reported being questioned about their worthiness to exercise the Priesthood in other ways.

Inherent in all of these examples is the effect of shame for not achieving what the man thinks he “should” do.

Toxic Mormon Masculinity demands that all men, and only men, preside, because of their sex, regardless of circumstance. When personal preferences incline a man toward partnership rather than dominance, he may experience shame for not “measuring up.”

Not allowed to be Nurturers

Toxic Mormon Masculinity makes no room for men who wish to be stay-at-home-dads. Since women are assigned the sphere of nurturing children, men may worry that parenting won’t come “naturally” to them. They may feel incompetent, or have some amount of reluctance or shame in caregiving. Prospective SAHDs might wish to encourage their partners to pursue a career if she desires, but may feel bound to perform the role they’re given instead.

When men do care for their children, it’s often called “Babysitting,” as though it’s only done rarely, i.e. “Men, be sure to babysit the kids this Wednesday so the Relief Society sisters can attend their meeting.”

Some fathers push back on this by saying, “We’re not ‘babysitting,’ we’re ‘parenting.’”

One SAHD describes his experience: “I’d love to arrange for some sort of play dates within my ward but there are no other stay-at-home-dads and it feels incredibly socially inappropriate for me to want to get together with a group of moms and our babies. So it ends up feeling pretty isolating for someone as social as I am. I also certainly feel a sense of disapproval at being “Mr. Mom” instead of being a provider. Can’t I choose to be a full-time father for a season?”

The parental attributes of Jesus Christ appeal to all genders: love, gentleness, kindness, care for children. Rather than telling men that nurturing does not fall to them, these attributes give men freedom to develop care-giving skills as the Savior did. Parenting is a skill that can be learned, and is not more naturally occurring in women than men.

When a man believes that it is not his role to nurture children, or that he infringes on a mother’s duty if he does so, he is derailed and his father-child bond is potentially inhibited or undermined by Toxic Mormon Masculinity.

Female Friends Feared and Forbidden + Manufactured Sexual Tension

Whether in professional or personal circles, Mormon men are discouraged from having female friends. When LDS men and women interact in a neutral space, both are taught to expect (and fear) temptation and conditioned to perceive sexual tension, as though neither sex is in control of their attraction or behavior. It negatively affects workplace mentorship as well as normal interpersonal friendship.

One man describes, “For me, I feel like I have missed out on a lot of friendships with other females because the church assumes every interaction between men and women must be sexually charged. This is reinforced as we are taught on the mission that young women are the devil sent to tempt us and distract us from our purpose. There are a lot of rules about not being alone with members of the opposite sex.”

Another shares: “With one exception, my closest friendships in life have all been with female-identifying folks. That always was awkward, especially after getting married. Even though I kinda taught myself not to care, there would always be lots of side-eye if I was enjoying a conversation with a female friend in church settings without my wife present (and/or their husband).”

One sad extension of this taboo over female friendships is the lack of female mentorship for men. Beyond their mother or wife, very few Mormon men recognize any female as a spiritual leader.

When a Mormon man believes that women are not friends, authority figures, leaders, or colleagues, but romantic partners, maternal figures, subordinates, or sex objects, he is conceding to Toxic Mormon Masculinity. The underlying mistrust that all men are philanderers who can’t be alone with women may burden a man with undue shame for actions he hasn’t committed. He is presumed guilty until proven innocent.

Returned Missionary Privilege and Stigma

A significant way Toxic Mormon Masculinity is projected onto men by others, including women, is in the privileged status bestowed upon full-time, full-term returned missionaries.

Men are explicitly told that missionary service is a duty of their Priesthood. Men who choose to serve in different ways are shamed and underappreciated.

Returned missionaries are held in high esteem: they are automatically considered for leadership callings, seen as more desirable husbands, and hold a life-long badge of honor compared to men who do not serve missions. Church activity retention programs are often geared toward the returned missionary demographic. No matter the diligence and efforts made by a man who did not serve a mission, he will rarely overcome the stigma of not serving a mission. Missionaries who return early also face a similar challenge. Insensitive questions like: “Why didn’t you go on a mission? Were you not worthy? Did you get sick? Did you not want to do your Priesthood duty?” afflict a man with shame and judgment rather than appreciation for his efforts. Men who join the church after the age of missionary eligibility may escape the stigma, but may be less likely to be considered for leadership callings.

Says one man of his time in church service: “Let’s ignore the fact that I had been extremely active serving in multiple callings. Never mind that I have paid close to $200,000 in tithing over a 17 year period. Never mind that I gave up weeks and weeks of annual vacations to go to young men’s camps and youth conferences without having a youth aged child at the time. I was seen as less-than in the kingdom of God because I had not served a mission.”

Church members project Toxic Mormon Masculinity on to men by connecting his worth in the church to his missionary service. Embracing a man for all his contributions and showing him that he is of value to the church and to God, regardless of missionary status, will greatly reduce shame and anxiety surrounding missionary service.

Leadership Aspirational Pressure + Prescripted Life Path

Toxic Mormon Masculinity harms the self-worth of men who are not called into leadership positions.

Milestones measure a young Mormon man’s life, including Priesthood advancements, scout rankings, leadership positions, and other accomplishments.

He is rarely allowed any deviations from these expectations without facing shame or ridicule. Men’s church service is defined by which leadership callings they occupy. “I’m so proud of my missionary – he just made District/Zone Leader/AP!” “He was just made Bishop.”

These leadership callings are discussed as something he’s “accomplished” rather than been called to do. In many positions, extroversion is prized over introversion, and in some cases prioritized over spirituality, or even, sadly, worthiness. There is social pressure to meet Priesthood rank advancements as a teen. Church leaders emphasize the importance of a man’s leadership calling when sharing countless stories in talks and lessons about Bishops and Stake Presidents doing the most valuable ministry and administration work.

Some women value rank, position, missionary status and leadership calling as indication of a man’s worth in the church, and therefore more desirable as a potential spouse. Some women feel their spouses have let them and their family down if they’ve never attained a high leadership calling. In these cases, women project disappointment and shame onto the men in unhealthy ways.

When men are released from leadership callings, they are often still called “Bishop” or “President,” even though their stewardships no longer include that title, perpetuating the emeritus status given to men for having served in those positions. Men are regularly lauded with resume-like descriptions of their past callings in biographical sketches. (It’s far less common for women’s contributions to be so well remembered and celebrated.)

Men are also judged for their leadership capacity or eligibility to perform Priesthood ordinances by their dress and grooming. They understand “the uniform of the Priesthood” to be a white shirt, suit and tie, with a short haircut and no facial hair. Men and women alike shame other men for wearing bright colors or beards.

One woman shares, “My Dad never had any high profile leadership callings before he retired. I know he was bothered by not being ordained a High Priest, or having a chance to serve in the callings requiring that office.”

Equating merit with leadership rank inflicts needless harm on men not called into leadership roles, frequently reiterating that they are somehow lacking if they don’t lead, and presumably aren’t worthy to do so. The shame he may feel for not being called into a leadership position is a negative effect of Toxic Mormon Masculinity.

Unchecked Unrighteous Dominion

Toxic Mormon Masculinity flourishes when men exercise unrighteous dominion. Fueled by the admonition to preside, exercising unrighteous dominion can corrode a man’s character, inflating him with pride and power. Such hubris will lead a man to think his opinions are more likely right, his judgment calls are more likely correct, that he is generally in control of a situation, and that he has little to gain from collaboration. At its worst, it will result in people who fear him rather than love him. He can be corrupted by the size of his ego and a false sense of invulnerability, and his most prized relationships may wither, sometimes without realizing it.

Many church members and families have experienced unrighteous dominion at the hand of a Priesthood leader, or father. Despite being led by the Spirit, Priesthood leaders can overstep.

When making decisions or counseling with others, a Priesthood leader may be vulnerable to drifting outside the scope of his own expertise or stewardship. Without a system of checks and balances to hold him accountable to those he serves, pride and arrogance may creep in, with no one to declare “Amen to the priesthood of that man.”

Toxic Mormon Masculinity harms men when it encourages them to use their position of power and influence to control others. It is deleterious for a man to be imbued with so much unquestioned authority. When men are given broad power and authority without a formal feedback system for accountability, their integrity may crumble.

Sexual Development, Gender Identity, and Marriage

Toxic Mormon Masculinity heaps shame on young men for what would otherwise be considered normal, age appropriate behavior regarding sexuality. This shame may follow them into marriage and make marital intimacy difficult.

As they progress through adolescence, young men are taught that their developing sexuality is to be all-but shut down until marriage. Many age-appropriate expressions of sexuality are seen as sinful, and can disqualify a young man from performing Priesthood ordinances. Some young men retreat in shame to develop their sexuality in secret, leading to unhealthy relationships, or use of pornography. Many young men, upon marrying, are left with conflicted feelings about how to express the sexuality that up until now they’ve been taught to fear and suppress.

Mormon young men are rarely believed or supported when identifying their gender or attraction authentically. Many are still told that being gay or trans is a choice, or a temptation to be eschewed. Countless young men are still disowned by their families after coming out. Teen suicide rates in Utah are the 5th highest in the nation, a large number of which are queer kids who feel rejected by a hostile family or church environment. Binary gender essentialist roles are inherently exclusive to trans men, who are told they don’t fit in anywhere.

Projecting the Mormon male gaze onto young women harms young men. By observing girls being taught that they become pornography by how they dress, and other similar messages, young men may internalize the false idea that they are not in control of their urges, and that if a girl is dressed “immodestly,” it’s perfectly reasonable to objectify her. When a young man has a sexual response to a woman’s appearance, then blames her by thinking, “It’s her fault! She made me do it!” he shifts the responsibility away from himself, and builds in himself a habit of non-accountability. When young men feel justified in seeing women as objects, they stunt their ability to have a truly open, vulnerable, equal partnership with a woman, crippling the intimate bonds they could otherwise forge in marriage thereafter.

By defining one narrow, approved stance toward sexuality, Toxic Mormon Masculinity shrouds sex in fear and shame with damaging consequences that ricochet far past the harm it causes in adolescence, and disregards and dismisses the worth of any who deviate, even briefly, from the dictated norm.

Conclusion and Invitation

Prescribed roles for a man to “preside, provide and protect” in his family and in the church are the underlying causes of Toxic Mormon Masculinity.

When teaching others how to live their best lives, leaders should center their messages on how to be like Jesus by developing more of his attributes, not by delineating lists for correctly performing one’s gender, for “…there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.”

The life of Jesus Christ is exemplary. His attributes transcend gender: he was strong and gentle, a leader and a friend, a teacher and a listener. Setting aside gendered expectations and fully embracing the complete spectrum of Christlike attributes will help Mormon men heal from the frustration and shame they carry, and improve the fabric of our church culture. Men who are free from the burdens of this shame will be happier, healthier people.

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In the coming weeks, The Exponent blog will share responses from men for how they experience Toxic Mormon Masculinity in their lives, and what they do about it. Please check back to hear more from them, and consider submitting your own experiences as a guest post to the series.

Further recommended reading and viewing:

The Good Men Project

We are Man Enough

Hannah Gadsby’s monologue on “The Good Men”

Gillette’s ad about Toxic Masculinity: “the Best a man can be.”

A Thoughtful Faith: How Patriarchy Hurts Men and Boys with Wendy Christian

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