I know my past five Blockchains have been total failures… Dan Larimer

It’s been Coronavirus pandemonium here at the Coin Jazeera offices and our company’s main expenses have become black market Purell, VR Headsets, Toilet Paper, and underground Kleenex. While most of our employees now work from home, veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille decided to stay behind, mainly because he has no family, friends, or reason to keep on living. As a responsible employer we have followed industry standard and halted employee travel to the many pointless Crypto conferences around the world which have now become cancelled, a devastating career ending blow for CNBC (South Africa’s) Ran NeuNer who now has nowhere left to go.

Taking advantage of this global pandemic, the Coin Jazeera news desk has received word that exit master, Dan Larimer has already left Voice after its launch just a week ago to begin his newest attempt at “using centralized Blockchains to make the world a better place” and is now launching his newest scam project CORONACOIN, which aims to solve the recent horrible and world-shattering global nightmare virus pandemic “on the Blockchain™.” We aren’t exactly sure how the coin aims to get rid of the virus but we are told that it has to do with raising lots and lots of money.

We have learned that 7.6 billion coins will be minted, with 7.6 billion of them being premined for the founders. The total supply will be based off of the world’s population and coins will be burned as people die horrible and tragic deaths. These CORONACOINS (NCOV) will function similar to a stablecoin and be redeemable 1:1 for face masks provided by Justin Sun, who has teamed up with Larimer and is currently hoarding the world’s supply of N95 masks at Tron HQ in Wuhan, China making him the new overlord of the N95 secondary market. Diving into the tokenomics of the coin, we’ve learned that with every new mutation of the COVID-19 virus, the chain will fork and those who stake their coins will be incentivized with ration vouchers for toilet paper, cans of beans, and 10 minutes of sunlight a day.

The real Store of Value

We asked Dan Larimer for comment as to why he was doing this and why he believed that after five successful previous exit scams he feels this is the project that will fulfill his lifelong dream of making his peers see him as somebody that is smarter than his boy-wonder nemesis Vitalik Buterin.

“Well, I know my past five blockchains have been total failures at beating Ethereum and super awesome at making me rich, but I really feel like this time I’ve finally figured it out this time. When asked why he decided to make a coin that incorporated the Coronavirus he said “Bitcoin is failing as a Store of Value and I saw an untapped niche in the market for making money off of global pandemics using DPoS.”

We have learned that Kyle Samani of Multicoin Capital is a lead investor in the project after being given permission by mentor Fred Wilson to invest. We reached out to Multicoin for comment and a representative said “We fully support Mr. Larimer in his questionable endeavors and we have had a very good relationship so far. Somehow his failures always end up making us money. Hopefully he fails on this one as well.”

We here at Coin Jazeera will be purchasing CORONACOIN and have sent veteran reporter Pepe Grenouille on an all-expenses paid vacation aboard Diamond Princess cruise ships as reward for being so good to us over the years.

Enjoy your vacation old friend!

UPDATE 03/08/2020: We have learned that Justin Sun has since double crossed Dan Larimer and is now working with Binance’s CZ to seize control of the CORONACOIN blockchain in a hostile manner by using funds from both Binance and Poloniex to bring this technology back home where it belongs: China.

This article is satire and for entertainment purposes only.

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