Sometimes I wonder why I’m even a Republican. Fortunately, the Democrats continually remind me. However, it just seems like it’s getting more and more difficult to be an admitted member of the GOP. It feels more like the OP at times. A plethora of candidates already grace the national stage, and most are downright appalling. Whatever their merits, they have at least one huge shortcoming that would cause voting for them to weigh heavily on my patriotic soul.

Michele Bachmann is stupid



You know how some people suspected that George W. Bush wasn’t really stupid, but instead it was all an intelligent, though insidious, act to win over the Heartland? Well, with Bachmann it’s not an act. She is an idiot and says idiot things. Yes, she thought John Wayne was from her hometown when it turned out to be John Wayne Gacy. But the mistake isn’t what’s stupid. The stupidity is in thinking that anyone gives a fuck that she’s from the same place as John Wayne. The fact that she’s attempting to win over voters by connecting herself to John Wayne shows me how stupid she is (not to mention her supporters). As I would describe her, that girl has a whole lot of dumb in her eyes.

Newt Gingrich is an ignorant bigot



“I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.” I don’t think this needs explaining, unless you’re Newt.

Tim Pawlenty is bloodthirsty



To be fair, he draws the line at fetuses. However, he sought to re-implement the death penalty in his state which had been abolished since 1911. That would be like the Vatican saying today, “You know, what we need is another Inquisition.” The measure failed, but fortunately for Pawlenty we have two (maybe three) wars going on right now. So, to satisfy his blood lust, Pawlenty supports sending more troops to Afghanistan opting for “strategic patience” in war rather than a strategic timeline.

Rick Santorum is disgusting



I’m not going to link to his website. I’m sure you can Google it. The first thing you see…Glenn Beck. But okay, that’s disgusting by association, and it isn’t fair, right? If you click past the Glenn Beck splash page, you’ll get to his website. Here you can see that his warmongering doesn’t stop at Muslims abroad, but it also extends to homosexuals here. Santorum has long had a messy relationship with the homosexual community. He’s equated gay sex to everything from bestiality to incest. Unfortunately, this isn’t just ignorance. If anyone knows gay sex, it would be Santorum. This is downright hatred.

Jon Huntsman is creepy



Don’t let the high school dropout fool you. He’s a strange, strange man. I’m not just saying this because of his enigmatic campaign ad. All you have to do is check out his website. This doesn’t seem like the website of someone who’s running for President of the US so much as someone who’s starting his own cult. Since he’s already a Mormon, I’m guessing that isn’t the case. However, rather than talking about issues, he talks about Jon Huntsman and Jon Huntsman’s family. Just watch any video on his site and tell me you aren’t creeped out. It’s like he really wants us to believe he’s human, which I would have assumed was the case had he not tried so hard to convince us.

Ron Paul is a nut



Granted, he’s one of the sanest men in politics today. However, he holds strongly to his religious views. So much so that he’s spouted the party line BS about the “Secular Left” trying to undermine America’s founding values. As a man so well-versed on the content and history of our Constitution, it baffles me how he can let this personal belief warp his view. I also suspect that it’s his religious convictions and not his medical insight that has brought him down on the side of Pro-Life. I have to be a bit wary of a so-called Libertarian who’s admittedly anti-choice. If “Because God” is enough reason to take away one right, then what is really protecting the rest?

Jimmy McMillan is a Democrat



While, yes, I realize that the rent is indeed too damn high, I feel there are more practical ways of dealing with this issue than being a karate expert. While I certainly appreciate this candidate’s candor, it’s unfortunate that he isn’t challenging Obama in the primary. Would he lose? Definitely. Is he going to lose the GOP nomination? Definitely. But at least if he’d have stood up to Obama, he could have shown some real conviction.

Tom Miller is a flight attendant



This is no jab at flight attendants. Let’s be honest, though. If we ignore him when he’s telling us how we can save our lives in the event of a plane crash, what makes anyone think he could lead a country? The truth is if we want someone with no political experience, we’d re-elect Obama. At least he’ll have four years of applicable experience by then. If he wants to be taken seriously, he should try running for Chief Purser first. Also, if he expects to get the all-important flight attendant vote, he might want to rethink his position against gay marriage.

Mitt Romney values his wife’s life less than theoretical life



I could insert a polygamy joke, perhaps. But let’s get straight into it. Mitt Romney has said, “I have a deep concern about curing disease. I have a wife that has a serious disease that could be affected by stem cell research and others. But I will not create new embryos through cloning or through embryo farming, because that will be creating life for the purpose of destroying it.” I was absolutely heartbroken by that quote. Really, Romney? If you had to choose between your wife and a multicellular diploid eukaryote, you’d go with the multicellular diploid eukaryote? Emotions aside, he’s standing in the way of scientific progress. And that progress is needed, if not for Romney’s wife, then for other, truly loved ones.

Vern Wuensche is a Nazi



If the name doesn’t give it away, then his views on social issues definitely do. On this candidate’s god-awful website he lists them in quick succession: Ban Abortion, Ban same sex marriage, Ban gay adoption, Prevent descration (sic) of the American flag, Adopt American English as our official language. I wonder what the penalty for descrating our official language would be?

Andy Martin is an attention whore

And he’s not getting any from me.

Fred Karger has Reagan inside him



To be honest, it’s difficult to find anything negative to say about this candidate. In the Republican world, that means he has no shot in Hell of winning. I think he’s okay with that, and he’s most likely running to raise awareness about gay rights and tolerance within the Republican party, which is definitely needed. However, it is disheartening to see him pander to the base using the Reagan card. I suspect, though, in his case it’s more than a card. He’s a fellow actor from California and not only knew Reagan personally, but supposedly was an integral part to his election efforts. But if he wants to change the Republican party, he’ll have to do better than spouting Reagan love. However much affection he had for the late president, he should put it behind him, and he could have a shot at the VP spot.

Gary Johnson is a broken record



He says the same thing over and over. “43%” of everything he says is a “cost/benefit analysis” cooked up in “50 laboratories of innovation/best practices”. At least what he repeats non-stop makes sense. But from a candidate who is more of an Iron Man than a politician, I would expect less scripted responses. Of course, like many of the candidates, nobody has heard a word they’ve said. So, in 2012 the public won’t notice he only speaks in reposts.

Herman Cain is illiterate



While I agree in spirit that laws need to be simplified, this man is perhaps a bit too simple. If every issue was black and white, then sure, three pages is an easy maximum. His simplistic worldview, one that could fit on under three pages, includes an intolerance of homosexuals and the belief that Jesus founded America.

Sarah Palin is….who?