West Point, N.Y. — The New York Knicks officially opened training camp this past weekend. Led by first-year head coach Derek Fisher and buoyed by Phil Jackson’s vaunted triangle offense, the new-look ‘Bockers hope to rebound from last year’s disappointing 37-win campaign. Jackson, he of that solemn oath to provide unfettered media access to the team, agreed to be mic’d up by The Cauldron for New York’s opening practice session, which is transcribed verbatim below. (The first two of the preceding three sentences are true.)

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Hau. As you could probably tell by my purple aura, I’m Phil Jackson, President of the Knicks and the author of Eleven Rings, a book I wrote about winning 11 rings. If you care to purchase a book at the end of today’s practice, feel free to drop by the table we’ll have set up outside the locker room. Kurt Rambis will be stamping my signature into each copy, which I’ve made available at the special player discount of $11 and 11 cents. It’s a play on the 11 rings thing. Today we’re going to learn the triangle, an offense my teams used to capture 10 championships during my NBA visionquest. Did I say 10? I meant 11. Eleven championships. Obviously, Derek will be one tasked with perfecting the system as the season goes on, but I just thought it would be best for me to give you the initial tutorial while he’s out washing my car. Now, who can tell me something they know about the triangle?

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Yes, you there contorting his face, Jose … I’m sorry, Pablo. My apologies. You know, the Lakota Sioux have an old saying about the Spanish Conquistadors: “It is harder to tell between two men in pointy metal hats than the bones at the bottom of a buffalo jump.” Anyway, tell us something about the offense, Consuela. No, running the triangle does not mean you get to drink Argentinean Malbec during timeouts. But find me after practice. We’ll talk wine over wooden goblets of Ayahuasca.

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Anyone else? Yes, you with the shoes on his hands who’s hopping in place, what’s your name? Cold? Comb? Oh, Cole. Yes, Cole … You didn’t go before practice? … I’m assuming there is a bathroom in the locker roo… You’re pissing on the floor. Can we get a janitor over here? Cole, please go change and come back when you are ready to learn. Iman, yes, please, something about the triangle? Yes, it’s true, you will not be just standing in the corner — very good! Now, why is that? Unlike the systems run here in the past, the triangle is predicated on precise spacing — where at any given time, three players on the strong side form a triangle between, for example, the low post, the wing, and the corner. Iman, why are you crying? … No, look, just because we use the corner doesn’t mean you need to stand there all the time. Find your chai. Relax.

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Anyway, as I was saying … Question in the back from the, uh, flaming voodoo priest with snakes on his chin … Quincy. Quincy, I apologize. I sometimes have these flash… What? … When do we eat? Well, practice ends at 3:00, so any time after … Quincy please stop biting Andrea’s arm. Andrea, here, rub this on it … It’s a paste of smoked Chamomile and wolf shit. Spit on your thumb and really rub it in there. That’s it. Maybe this would be easier if we had a short demonstration. Alejandro, you take the ball to the top of the key. Carmelo, why don’t you start out on the right … Carmelo please give the ball back to Jose … You’ll get the ball in the flow of the offense, Carmelo. Just stand right there in the pinch post. Patience, Carmelo. Remember what Lao Tzu said: The journey of a thousand rivers begins with a flower.

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Now, Amar’e, I want you on the weak-side elbow to start … Yes, I agree this offense is phenomenal. Thank you, Amar’e. You’re phenomenal as well …That’s right, And-1 — that’s what we want! … Yep, And-1 … And-1! … And-1! … I love the enthusiasm! … And-1! OK! OK … Andrea, down on the low block, strong si… It’s okay, get back up, we all fall sometimes. I remember my first peyote journey in the Badlands, tripping off all these small cliffs falling into bat caves and … You fell again. That’s okay, get back … you can’t get up. Can you crawl? Okay, just crawl to the baseline. Dilbert, take Andrea’s place on the ... Dalembert? Sorry. Dalembert. Just stand there where Andrea was. Sitting’s fine … Iman, go stand in the corner. Iman, I promise you won’t be there long. Now guys, what we have to start taking to heart is that basketball is, at its best and most beautiful, a team game. When you watched us back on those two championship teams in the 1970s … Yes, Tim? … I did not meet Abraham Lincoln. That was the 1860s … Anyway, there’d be possessions where the ball wouldn’t hit the ground but two or three times in 20 seconds — that’s how cohesive we were and in tune with one another. Walt Whitman once said, “My brother’s bosom is the soul of my crotch.” That’s how close you have to be with each … Is something funny, Clitony? Hit the sweat lodge, Clitony.

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The point of this offense is to move the ball smoothly and efficiently and find open looks for teammates without over-dribbling. Quick decisions. Togetherness. Clairvoyance. So Pedro, pass the ball to Carmelo on the wing and then cut — Carmelo, why did you shoot that? Give the ball back to Jose. Now, Pedro, pass the ball to Carmelo and … Carmelo, please stop shooting. One more time, Pablo … Carmelo, go sit down. J.R., take Carmelo’s place …Where’s J.R? Has anyone seen J.R.? … He’s where? … A nitrous bar? What is a nitrous bar? … These are legal? He’s in Hoboken?? Whatever. Tim, step in at the … DON’T SHOOT! EVERYBODY STOP SHOOTING! NOW WHEN I HAD KOBE, I HAD TO BLOW AN EAGLEBEAK WHISTLE WHEN I WANTED SOMEONE TO SHOOT. DON’T MAKE ME GET THE EAGLEBEAK! Now look, guys, it’s important we get the fundamentals of this system down before our first … Well, speak of Unk. Hi there, J.R. I hear you were at something called a citrus bar over in Hobo… J.R., who is that next to you and why is he holding a bag of golf clubs? Chris? Chris, this is a team-only practice and … No, we did not take you in this year’s draft. J.R., please go stand at the right wing … The right wing, J.R., the right wing. Holy hell, you guys are harder to keep focused than Rick Fox at an orgy. Okay now, Che, swing the ball to J.R. … Is J.R. asleep? Cole, drag J.R. to the side … Cole I thought I told you to change your shorts … No, you changed your shirt. Your shorts still have piss all … Look, just drag J.R. to the sideline … Cole, take your fucking shoes off your hands … Thank you.

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