Chapter Text

The wristwatch indicated it was around 3:00 AM, and Patta hadn’t slept not even for five minutes yet. They held back a groan, wishing for the morning to arrive already. They could hear Asriel snoring from the other bed, somehow his new form had increased the volume of his snoring. That wasn’t what was keeping Patta awake, though. It was more because they had too much in their head.

It hadn’t taken long for Asriel to fall asleep after Patta clammed up, and the human had spent a couple hours chastising themselves for failing to talk to their friend. They were now immensely bored, having no more to do than stare at their wristwatch.

“…I’m supposed to return to work in a couple days” they suddenly said. That sounded so pathetic they shut up immediately. After looking at the wristwatch for the millionth time that night, they turned around, their eyes focusing on the suitcase Asriel had lost and recovered not too long before. Not having anything better to do, Patta took it and opened the suitcase, taking out the fluffy gloves and slippers they had bought the day Asriel had appeared. “I wonder if I’ll have to use these all the time now, pretend I’m a monster and all”. Patta left those things aside and rummaged deeper into the suitcase, taking out all the wet clothes and putting them on a pile near the bed. Everything else that had been in that suitcase was useless now, and was left to the side of the knapsack Frisk had lent them long ago.

“That was a nice way to kill time for like three minutes. Now what?” Patta once again laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. It took a while for them to think of some other way to pass the time: check the cellphone Asgore had given them. He had said he had put all the data that was in their other cellphone into this one, what had happened to the old one, either way? It didn’t really matter. Patta checked all the functions, not finding anything different or special despite being made in the Underground. It seemed monsters weren’t different to humans in matter of cellphones.

Contact list. Effectively, there were all the numbers they had. People they knew but never talked with, their parents, friends forgotten long ago…they tried very hard not to let that depress them, barely managing to avoid it. Two numbers had been added recently: Ananas’ and one that was labeled ‘Toriel’.

The Dreemurrs really were willing to support them. Feeling just a little bit better they continued exploring the functions of the phone, soon getting to the multimedia gallery. Patta had never been someone who used the camera functions of their cellphone very often, so they almost left immediately, or at least they would have if it hadn’t been for the bar that indicated memory space. The memory card was almost full. Either monster cellphones were horrendously outdated in the memory capacity department, or Asriel had filled it all with stuff. Frowning a little, Patta opened the folder.

There were pictures and videos that were undoubtedly made by Asriel, the first one not long after the moment Patta had lent the cellphone to the monster. Patta, practically aching for anything to alleviate their boredom, opened the first video.

Asriel had been aiming it around randomly, not focusing on anything concrete. “Captain’s log number zero zero one. Adventurer Asriel Dreemurr reporting!” The camera turned around momentarily, as if to confirm who was filming “We’re flying above the clouds right now. We’re so high I can’t see the ground. This is awesome! I’m going to be over the surface for a day or two. Don’t tell anyone-“ Asriel lowered his voice “-but I’m nervous. At least I have someone as second in command! Hey, Patta! Say hi! Over here!”

The video focused on Patta’s seat, who just waved without even bothering to peer at Asriel. That didn’t stop the child from having fun with his captain’s log, talking more about what he thought he’d see. Despite everything, Patta felt a bit comforted with the video.

The videos continued. Asriel had filmed the journey without Patta noticing, sometimes just idling recording the sky and the streets of the city, other times mumbling towards the camera about what he was seeing. After Asriel met Frisk, his new friend had starred in many of the videos, although Frisk always seemed a bit reticent to talk to the camera, at least at first.

“We made a snail pie” Asriel had said, focusing the cellphone camera on the remains of the pie “Patta ate three slices!”

“I didn’t think they would like it” Frisk’s voice offscreen from the video said.

“Yeah! Patta was distant but now they’re starting to relax”

“Do you trust them?”

Asriel didn’t hesitate before replying “I do. Patta really meant it when they said they were going to take me back home. I trust them”

“That pie really was something” Patta smiled. Now that they remembered, shortly after that they had confessed to Asriel they had attacked Graham. It had been a moment where they had left aside their cowardice and tried to trust Asriel, with good results. It had been a moment of relief they didn’t think they would forget for a while. It also had led to Patta looking back to their past, but they had stopped and refused to continue beyond the surface of their complexes.

The videos continued. After a few more there was one that was almost half an hour long, most of it showing the camera pointing at the ceiling in the room Asriel had slept in, in Ciruel’s manor. Patta fast-forwarded all the way near the end, where voices sounded. The video seemed to have recorded the voices after the disastrous dinner that had happened, when Asriel had hidden under the bed in despair. Patta had been about to change the video to avoid listening to that again, but they changed their mind when they heard their own voice. The conversation went like they remembered, but a few lines got them to stop and rewind enough to hear it again.

“I’m scared, Patta. I’m afraid of what could happen”

“It’s okay to be scared, but many times it’s not good to let that fear stop you. You’ll be the Prince of All Monsters. Be brave, for the sake of monsterkind. I know you’ll be able to help create a time of peace and prosperity for everyone, I’m sure you will”

“I don’t know if I can be brave”

“It’s okay to feel doubts. Forget about this for now. Tomorrow will be a better day, you’ll be back at home and it will all be okay”

Patta went silent for a moment. They had said that, hadn’t they? Yet now they were so scared they were refusing to even consider the situation wasn’t as bad as they had thought, leaving aside the ‘being trapped’ part. “I suppose I’m a hypocrite” Patta said, greatly uncomfortable. In a half-hearted effort to stop guilt-tripping themselves about how they didn’t have the strength to do what they said to Asriel, Patta continued watching videos.

It was at the last video that Patta was forced to once again face their own words. While Patta had been talking to Cohen, Asriel had been fiddling with the video function, waiting patiently and without saying anything. The conversation was recorded:

“You remind me a lot of myself. I was just one year older than you when I made a mistake that led to the loss of everything I had. At the time I felt just like you, and, well, I drifted through life without a care. Let me tell you what I wish I had been told so long ago:

“You lost everything. Maybe that is true, maybe it isn’t, but it doesn’t mean it is all over. Times won’t be easy for you, but don’t lose hope. Find something new, something to fill your days and maybe replace what you lost. There are so many possibilities out there, and you can reach and try to grasp them! What matters is to not to let yourself be chained by your regret.

Please, live and don’t lose hope. That is what you should do”

The adult stopped the video, tossing the cellphone aside. Hearing themselves say that had stung way more than they had expected. “Definitely a hypocrite” they groaned before standing up from the bed and going to the window of the inn, opening it just enough to see outside.

It was cold outside, which wasn’t strange. What could one expect from a cave? And although there was magic making there be enough light outside for it to not to be complete darkness, Patta couldn’t distinguish the shapes outside. It was calming, in a way. Patta leaned on the windowsill, taking deep breaths of fresh air and clearing their head.

Live and don’t lose hope. It was so easy to say that, but it wasn’t easy to do it, but what they were doing had been extraordinarily harmful. It didn’t take them long to realize what they had been about to do: just the same they had done nine years before. Patta had been about to lock themselves in the same self-loathing and fear that had led to the life over the surface they had wanted to change. They were refusing to let themselves be helped by people who wanted to. In a way…

…the Dreemurrs’ attempts were revealing something Patta hadn’t realized: it was very likely Patta hadn’t lost the support of their family and parents like they thought. It was increasingly likely they had deluded themselves into thinking that lie, too depressed and furious with themselves after having failed to pursue their dreams that first time. Patta’s parents surely had tried to reach out to them, too, but instead of forgiving themselves they had pushed their parents away and set everything to run away, ending like they did.

And now that once again everything had changed dramatically and Patta once again was blaming themselves stupidly, Patta had been about to commit that same mistake. How would they have ended if they hadn’t realized it? Most likely miserable, once again isolating themselves from everything and everyone, too busy commiserating with themselves about having lost the life over the surface to realize how slowly they were falling in despair.

Burying their face in their hands, Patta decided they had wasted enough time feeling bad about everything. They tried to string a train of thought, but their mind continued wandering without a clear objective. To avoid that, Patta started speaking, finding talking helped to keep themselves focused. Their voice was just loud enough for them to listen to themselves. Patta decided to start by reaffirming their identity. After all, wasn’t that the most basic step?

“…my name is Patta. Male, twenty-six years old, and currently living under a mountain very far away from my former home. I have many regrets and now I’ll admit everything.

This is my confession”

Patta spoke about everything he could think, starting from his first childhood memory and continuing from there. It was a monologue about his life, about everything that had made him the person he was now. Patta talked about all his experiences, the people he met, mentioning even the most banal details. “…when I was nine I talked with a classmate about going on a date without knowing what was love or what it entailed. The date was in the avocado grove down the street from school, and it ended with she breaking a leg, she fell from one of the trees. I never dared to look at her face again, and she moved away a few months later...” School life, his family, friends he had forgotten about long ago…everything was talked.

And during all that Patta realized that, ever since he was a child, he had been a coward. He had been running away from his responsibilities, all in an attempt to protect himself and his feelings from everyone else’s judgement. He had intentionally sheltered himself, and gradually cut ties with people that liked and supported him. The longer he talked the easier the words flowed, letting out everything he had locked in their heart during all his life. “…my immediate thought was to run away from home, but I wasn’t able to do it by myself. Instead I lashed out at my parents and made them send me away. Mom…she gave me her scarf, and I have worn it since then…”

When Patta was done he could definitely felt something had changed inside him. He felt like he could face anything, no matter if it was his past or his future. He smiled, hesitantly, realizing everything he had said was his life, stuff he couldn’t turn his back to and pretend never happened. After all, one’s person was made not only by the present or by the future, but also by all the experiences and people one had gone through and met, and he had finally done it.

Patta recognized himself as a person.

Feeling refreshed and completely at peace for the first time in a very long time, Patta closed the window and got back to his bed. He was very tired, and not long after he lied down on the mattress, he fell asleep.

-ooooo-

Six hours remained.

When Asriel woke up he was surprised to find Patta immediately giving him a plate with food. Apparently the inn had left it not too long before, as a complimentary breakfast. “Good morning, Asriel! Eat up!”

The monster stared at Patta for a moment before letting his head fall back on the pillow. “Did I wake up or am I still dreaming?”

“You woke up” Patta left the plate aside and took his own breakfast, eating with promptness. He was in very good mood, a jarring contrast from his gloomy behavior from the day before. It was a bit hard to believe such drastic change had happened overnight, but there he was.

During breakfast Asriel asked Patta about that, all the human said as response was that they had thought during the night about a few important things. “I finally realized who I am and what I should do. You could say I’m “growing up”!” Patta scowled “It was overdue. I should have done it a long time before”

“Are you happy about living here?” Asriel asked, trying to understand what Patta’s new way to look at life was. Patta shrugged, thoughtful.

“Don’t get me wrong, being here in the Underground still is a major pain in the neck and I hate it. I’m not going to let it drag me down, that is all”

At least that was a better attitude than the unbearably pessimistic one Patta had the day before, and Asriel welcomed that change. Seeing Patta so cheerful made him light up, feeling it helped him get ready for what was going to happen that morning. The day before Toriel had asked him if he wanted to do something special for Frisk’s burial. Asriel felt it was only appropriate to give an adequate farewell to Frisk. He didn’t know much about human funerals, so after getting some information from Toriel – really? Humans buried their dead? – Asriel had requested a single thing: where Frisk would be buried. Everything else would be up to Toriel.

Toriel arrived not too long after breakfast, entering the inn room to pick up Asriel. “Are you ready?” she asked solemnly. Asriel replied affirmatively, put on the cloak and picked up the container with golden flower seeds he had brought from the surface, but before he could leave he was stopped by Patta.

“Asriel, wait” Patta took a deep breath “Let me go with you two”

“Are you sure? Wouldn’t you feel more comfortable staying in here?” Toriel seemed surprised about Patta wanting to come to the burial, after the way he had acted the day before, she had thought Patta would refuse to leave the inn room in fear of being found out by everyone.

“I’m completely sure. I owe it to the kid, it’s only right I’m there to give them a final farewell” Patta said. That really was what he felt, but a more selfish part of him wanted this as a way to seek closure for his guilt for leading to Frisk’s death. Just because he had finally faced himself didn’t mean his perceived sins were gone. Toriel was hesitant to allow Patta to come, so Asriel decided to intervene.

“I want him to come too, Mom” Asriel said “He was Frisk’s friend too”

“If he’s sure then I don’t mind” she replied kindly, pleased to see Patta had stopped moping pointlessly. After she made sure Patta was wearing the cloak so no one would notice his species the three left the inn and returned to the castle, where Asgore was waiting. Asgore took the time to ask Patta if he had slept well, and requested information about what humans would think of monsters. He was happy to hear that Asriel being over the surface had received mostly positive reactions, that was auspicious for monsterkind as a whole.

“Are you coming too, Dad?” Asriel inquired, really hoping he would. He felt like he wanted as much support from his family as possible, but the negative answer he received was something he had half-expected, too. Someone had to stay and do the work as royalty, after all. Knowing how his parents were surely Toriel had brought up how she had done heaps of work the day before, so now it was his turn. That was how it usually went.

After a while Asriel, Toriel and Patta left the castle, Toriel carrying the coffin with Frisk’s body in it. Patta offered to help carry it, but his stiff right shoulder made it very difficult. Asriel and Patta refused to look at the coffin, its mere presence causing an unpleasant atmosphere. To avoid any sort of curious looking from anyone, Toriel had led them through a long route that left New Home and went into caverns that didn’t seem to be visited often. It was for the better, a procession formed by the Queen carrying a coffin and followed by two tall beings draped in gray cloaks didn’t exactly seem harmless and inconsequential.

The three walked until they reached a river, where a boat was waiting, piloted by a…a cloaked person. Patta stopped, surprised, but Toriel and Asriel boarded the boat as if it was no big deal. “Don’t be scared, Patta. It is safe” Toriel offered a hand to help Patta board the boat. It took a moment for the boat to sail with Patta sitting and a bit nervous about it all. “W-Where are we going?” Patta asked weakly, clinging to his seat as strongly as he could.

“To the Ruins, dear. This river doesn’t go all the way to where we’ll perform the burial, so we’ll have to stop in a nearby region” Toriel explained “From there we’ll walk into the Ruins”

“I see…” Patta noticed Asriel seemed to be pretty melancholic, maybe from what the three were going to do, but Patta felt like there was something else behind that. It was possible Patta was going to see why in just a moment, so he stayed silent about that.

-ooooo-

The Ruins were very purple and seemed to not to have much traffic, despite the access to the Ruins being wide open. The snowy section of the Underground the three had just finished crossing had been annoyingly cold, as expected. Patta had asked how it was possible there was snow and more seemed to fall from time to time, and the only reply was “magic”. Toriel really had taken many precautions to avoid any inconveniences. She was able to find roads that weren’t likely to have bystanders, and often hurried Patta and Asriel to not to look around and hurry up.

“It has been a while since we spent some days here” Toriel commented, taking a moment to look around the dusty Ruins house “Two or three years, right, Asriel?”

“I don’t remember…” Asriel felt a bout of nostalgia. This was the place where his family used to come to spend some days at, in the time the kingdom was calm and didn’t give as much work as it usually did. That had been why he had thought of the Ruins as the place to bury Frisk at, besides this place being secluded and not having a large population. He didn’t feel in mood to talk about it.

The trek through the Ruins was an uneventful as the rest of the trip through the Underground had been. Asriel had stayed near Toriel all the time, preferring his mother’s silent support to Patta kind of ignoring him. Patta was satisfied with looking around, passing through the puzzles and wondering how it’d all be if Toriel weren’t deactivating them while she passed. The spike puzzle seemed particularly dangerous.

It wasn’t long before the three arrived to a dead end. From a hole, high on the ceiling, sunlight illuminated the center of the natural chamber they had arrived at. The place didn’t look like anything special, at least to Patta, but Asriel had saddened even more than he had been during the trek to the Ruins. A few tools had been left to a side of the chamber, most likely during the day before in preparation for the burial. “Would you like me to do everything?” Toriel quietly asked Asriel, who nodded and retired to a side. Patta once again offered to help, but Toriel insisted him to not to overexert himself, at least not until he had gained more mobility on their right arm. Not having anything to do, Patta sat aside Asriel.

Asriel had closed his eyes, refusing to watch Toriel proceed with the burial, while Patta forced himself to not to look away. It was nothing complicated or luxurious. Toriel opened a hole in the ground with care, right in the center of the area illuminated by sunlight. Once the hole was judged to be appropriate, Toriel opened the coffin and conscientiously took Frisk’s body, wrapped in a mantel, and delicately placed it in the hole, burying it with care.

“Rest in peace, child…thank you for being my son’s friend” Toriel murmured once the burial was complete. She took a moment to silently honor Frisk’s memory before stepping away, approaching Asriel and Patta “Asriel, if you still want to do it…”

“I will” Asriel stood up, holding the container with the golden flower seeds, and slowly walked to the grave. It took a moment for him to start, but he crouched and started planting the seeds all over Frisk’s grave. While he was doing it, Patta noticed he was murmuring something, too low for Patta to distinguish any words. It seemed like a private conversation with the grave, Patta supposed, a moment he shouldn’t interrupt.

Toriel took the now empty coffin. “I’ll take this away. Please stay here” she requested to Asriel and Patta before leaving the chamber. Asriel finished planting the seeds and retired aside, inexpressive. There was silence for a while until Asriel sighed.

“A few years ago I found this place…I couldn’t believe the sunlight could get all the way down here. I spent like an hour or two there…lying on the ground and staring upwards. From the Barrier usually I could see the sunset light, but here is where I could feel it…how warm it is…

…I thought Frisk would like to be buried here…” Asriel started had started sobbing again. Awkwardly, Patta patted Asriel’s shoulder, staring at the grave all the time. After a minute or so of sobbing Patta decided it was time for him to speak what had been tormenting him for a day already.

“Asriel, I’m sorry for what happened to Frisk” Asriel seemed to be about to say something, but Patta shook his head before he could say a word “Let me speak! I’m trying to say I’m sorry about that, because I feel it’s my fault this happened. I should have made Frisk stay behind in the city, but I figured there was no harm in they coming, that as long as they were with me they’d be okay. Heck, I even though they would have followed us! No matter how I see it, I feel I could have done more to stop them.

So…yeah, I wanted to say sorry” Straight to the point. Patta had finally told Asriel exactly how he felt. It hadn’t helped to lift his own spirit as much as he thought it would, but there was no taking back any of that. Asriel didn’t reply immediately.

“Frisk doesn’t blame you. They think they should take responsibility for their death”

“I’d like to think they’d say-“

“Do you want them to say it to you?” Asriel didn’t wait for Patta to answer. He took a deep breath, and then something changed. It wasn’t like there was a physical change, or that Asriel’s voice had changed. It was subtler than that, Asriel’s expression turning more neutral and composed than it had been a second before. The monster wiped his tears and faced Patta.

“Hi. Don’t blame yourself, it wasn’t your fault”

Patta struggled to find his voice. “…Frisk? H-How can you be-“

“Something about multiple SOULs being in one body, I don’t know” ‘Frisk’ smiled “I remember what you told me a few days ago. You feared causing another person’s death, but if you keep thinking it’s your fault you will never let it go”

“…yeah, I realize that” Patta smiled wryly “I still felt I needed to say sorry to Asriel, and I did, so…” he exhaled through his teeth “So that is all. I won’t forget you, Frisk, and I’ll always feel what happened was kind of my fault, but I won’t let it chain me down. Will you be okay?”

“I will” ‘Frisk’ seemed to be rather flippant for someone sitting just a few feet away from their grave “Azzy’s dad will find a way separate my SOUL from Azzy’s. Until then I’ll be with Azzy”

That got Patta quiet for a second. “Since you’re here I should apologize to you too”

“Oh?” ‘Frisk’ stopped smiling. Despite being dead it seemed Frisk still held a burden, so to say “…don’t do it. Trust me on that. Me being on that mountain was something I wanted. I wouldn’t have let you stop me, and I convinced Azzy to back me up” the blunt way they said that got Patta on guard. As if ‘Frisk’ had sensed his thoughts they looked at him straight to the eyes “Don’t ask Azzy about it”

“…okay, I won’t” It was hard to refuse when a dead child was telling you not to, even though Patta was worried about what Asriel and Frisk may have talked “Will you tell me, then?”

‘Frisk’ tilted their head, pensive. “No. Sorry”

“…fine” It was disappointing, but there was nothing to be done about that. Besides, now that Patta was finally feeling closure regarding his guilt, he sensed his eyes were welling up with tears “I-I’m so glad I got to talk with y-you again, Frisk…I’m really, really glad…” he said before suddenly hugging ‘Frisk’. It was true he was actually hugging Asriel’s transformed body, but Patta truly believed Frisk was there. ‘Frisk’ hadn’t expected Patta to do something like that, but didn’t push away, instead timidly wrapping their arms around Patta and patting his back.

“Don’t give up, Patta”

“I won’t. I won’t run from anything ever again. I’m done with running away” Patta said. Neither of them realized Patta’s SOUL had finally recovered the red shine it should have, having found the determination that should have led his life from a long time ago. He separated the hug, chuckling “I wish I had known you better, you weird kid”

“I wasn’t weird!”

“You were, don’t deny it” Patta stood up. He had been about to say something else when he noticed Toriel standing nearby, watching with what seemed to him a mix of poignant sadness and fond amusement. When she saw he had seen her, she waved at him. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Does it really matter?” Toriel asked gently. She understood that had been an important moment for Patta, but she understood Frisk must have felt this was something they needed, too. Asriel, Patta and Frisk had all needed closure to their feelings and all of them had reached it.

“…I suppose not” Patta admitted. Behind him Asriel stood up, having taken back control of his body. He seemed much more at peace than he had been while coming.

“Thanks for helping me, Mom!”

“You know you can count on me for anything” she said, making sure Asriel was wearing the hooded cloak well enough to hide his face and let him go ahead. It was time to return to New Home. Surely the Riverperson would be waiting for the three of them, as Toriel had arranged. Toriel and Patta walked behind Asriel, talking quietly.

“…he is taking all this much better than I thought he would” Patta admitted, pulling the hood to make sure it was well placed. Toriel smiled, proud of her son.

“Asriel is a strong child…I wish he didn’t have to face the death of a close friend at such an early age, but I’m proud of how he’s dealing with it. He’s growing up so fast…”

And it was true. It was undeniable Asriel had been insurmountably saddened by Frisk’s death yet now he was taking it admirably. Patta supposed the fact Frisk’s SOUL was within Asriel for the moment helped the prince deal with it better than he would otherwise.

When the time to separate the SOULs arrived both Toriel and Patta were sure Asriel would be able to let go without regrets.