SANTA ROSA, CA—Oblivious to the fact that he was being held in the hearts of Christian congregations across the country, 36-year-old gay man Andrew Fitzpatrick reportedly went about his grocery shopping Friday fully unaware that he was currently the focus of thousands of prayers. According to reports, Fitzpatrick made his way through the cereal aisle of his local Safeway without the slightest clue that, at that very moment, entire ministries of various Christian denominations were simultaneously bowing their heads, clasping their hands together, and asking God to release him from his sexual orientation. Sources further indicated that, although many men, women, and young children were channeling all their spiritual energy toward saving Fitzpatrick from his sexual desire for members of the same sex, not one of these individuals ever entered into the scope of the clueless graphic designer’s consciousness as he compared oatmeal brands. At press time, Fitzpatrick paused and looked upward, but reportedly only to take a box of breakfast bars off the shelf and not because he felt the power of numerous pastors around the country shouting “amen” on his behalf.

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