THE government has been criticised for giving all £50m of its new schools funding to the elitist institution Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The boarding school, which is highly selective, mainly admits children from wealthy aristocratic families and is expected to spend the money on wands and fancy magical banquets.

Headmaster Professor Albus Dumbledore said: “I’ve earmarked a couple of million for a new Quidditch pitch, which we don’t technically need because they float above it on broomsticks but it looks nice.

“We also have our own personal train and invisible platform at King’s Cross to maintain, neither of which muggles are allowed to see or even know exist but it’s only fair taxpayers stump up for them.

“A flagship school like ours encourages aspiration in ordinary children, who won’t ever be admitted because they can’t do magic. I’m afraid that’s just policy.

“Did I mention a full quarter of our pupils are evil? That might seem odd but it’s simply tradition. A wonderful Hogwarts tradition.”

Muggle Nathan Muir said: “I suppose I should be fucked off, but it’s no more unfair than all those grammar schools I pay for.”