Conservatives are always going on about how our government should be ran like a business. Even some progressives buy into this idea, because for some strange reason, we associate businesses with efficiency, transparency, thriftiness, productivity, and accountability — even though recent years have shown that all too many businesses embody anything but these qualities. As John T. Harvey so aptly explains in his Forbes Magazine article, Why Government Should Not Be Run Like A Business:

“The problem in a nutshell, is that not everything that is profitable is of social value and not everything of social value is profitable.”

That makes sense, but not for right-wingers who still insist that our government should be ran like a business. Unfortunately for all of us, business and government have grown more and more similar these days, and not in a good way. Thanks to the penny-wise, pound-foolish approach in both the private and public sectors, we all face reduced services, higher prices and taxes, long lines, labyrinthine phone trees, personnel shortages, out of stock items, lower quality goods and customer service, and a generally lower quality of life. Plus, many services that were once provided by government agencies have been handed over to the private sector. So now, we can really find out what it would be like if we ran our government like a business.

Five things that might happen if we really ran our government like a business.

Below are five examples of what life in the US would be like if conservatives had their way and we ran government like a business at the federal, state, and local levels.

(1) If we ran our government like a business: Calling 911.

If we ran government like a business, your local police department would automate calling 911 in order to save money.

You: Hello, I need to report a … um … HELLO?

Automated Phone System: Good evening. You have reached Emergency Services at Nine-One-One. For English, press one. Para espanol, oprima numero dos. If this is an emergency, please hang up, and dial Nine-One-One. Or visit our website at 911.gov.

If you’re calling about a crime in progress, press one. If you’re calling about your idiot neighbor cooking meth again, press two. If your house is on fire, the Fire Department is currently closed due to adjusted resource allocations. But you can press three for the Volunteer Fire Department. If nobody answers, please call Flo’s Lounge at 867-5309, and ask for Bob. If you need an ambulance, press four, or repeat the previous procedure, and ask for Bob.

(2) If we ran our government like a business: Renewing your driver’s license.

If we ran government like a business, the DMV would try to up-sell when you renew your driver’s license.

Clerk: Good morning, how may I provide you with excellent service today?

Customer: Hi, I’m here to renew my driver’s license.

Clerk: Great, how many licenses will you be renewing today?

Customer: Um … just one?

Clerk: We have a Friends Special today, if you can get two friends to renew their licenses, we’ll give each of you a 30% discount on your renewal fees.

Customer: I don’t have any friends.

Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But we’re also offering a three-for-two ACTION PACK deal so you can pay for two types of licenses and get one free. Most folks who come in here go for the Motorcycle and Truck Driver’s licenses, along with the one they normally get for driving their car.

Customer: Wow, that sounds like fun. But I don’t know how to drive a motorcycle or a truck.

Clerk: That’s okay, you can add a couple of training sessions for what you normally spend on a cup of coffee every day for the rest of your life. Plus, you can’t possibly drive any worse than my 90-year-old aunt who accidentally ran down a pedestrian because her foot couldn’t reach the brake pedal. And we gave her a truck driver’s license, though we withheld the motorcycle one.

Customer: Oh! How awful, I’m sorry to hear that!

Clerk: It wasn’t so bad. He was an organ donor, and Aunt Bettie needed a new liver, so I see it as a win-win.

(3) If we ran our government like a business: Registering your child for kindergarten.

If we ran government like a business, public schools would have rewards programs and different levels of service for families, depending on how much they give to the PTA.

Parent: Hi, I’m here to register my son for kindergarten this fall, and drop off the paperwork. We’re so excited!

School Administrator: Great! Hmm … okay … birth certificate, vaccination records, emergency contacts … Looks like we’re all set. And will you be upgrading to Preferred Parent™?

Parent: Um, what is “Preferred Parent™?”

School Administrator: The Preferred Parent™ upgrade entitles you to exclusive benefits, like first choice for teacher conference time slots, online access to personalized progress reports for your child, and having your phone calls returned by the teacher and school administrators.

Parent: Sounds great, how do I sign up?

School Administrator: Just pledge $500 per year to our PTA and sign this waiver form.

(4) If we ran our government like a business: Getting a business license.

If we ran government like a business, they’d never have enough clerks, and the license you need would always be out of stock.

Applicant: Hello? Anybody here? Hello-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! [waits 15 minutes for clerk to appear]

Clerk: [breathlessly] Sorry to keep you waiting. My boss just laid everyone off, including herself, so I’m the only one here. And things were crazy in the Zoning Department.

Applicant: No prob. Anyways, I’m here to apply for a restaurant license.

Clerk: Sorry, we’re out of stock for restaurant licenses.

Applicant: Do you know when you’ll have them again?

Clerk: I’m not sure, our rep in Bangladesh says there was another factory fire. Would you like a beauty parlor license instead?

(5) If we ran our government like a business: Declaring war.

If we ran our government like a business, we’d declare war on false pretenses and leverage the victim’s enemy country’s resources to finance a hostile take over … oh, wait a minute …

President: So, ya really think they got WMD’s?

Vice President: Yep.

President: And they’re part of the “axis of evil?”

Vice President: Yep.

President: Well, I’m the Decider, and I’m leaning towards war … but how do we pay for it?

Vice President: After we free ’em, establish a democratically-elected government, and get ‘hold of their oil, the war will pay for itself. Plus, we’ll make out like bandits.

President: Okay, so we take ’em over, and then use their oil to pay for taking ’em over. Kinda like a leveraged buy-out, huh?

Vice President: Yep.

President: But what if we don’t win and get stuck owing all that money?

Vice President: Then we’ll just say we’ve got a deficit and need to cut all our government programs.

President: Wow, that’s some kinda strategery ya got goin’ on there. Way to go, Big Time!

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