A surreal website claimed that gay people are "lacing Easter Eggs with homosexual-inducing food colorings". Yes, really. (Stock photograph via Elements Envato)

Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, all across the world, countless heterosexual people are planting pastel-coloured Easter eggs in the back gardens for children to find.

Little do these parents and guardians know, however, is that the chocolate confections are laced with homosexual chemical elements, chiefly homogen, and with each and every bite, their black and white DNA is being turned…

Gay. We’re talking the sequinned, feather boa and rainbows kinda gay.

Hide your kids, hide your wife, straight people, the gays are coming for you and they are armed with Easter eggs.

Easter is a ‘heterosexual recruitment festival’, claims conspiracy theory website.

Easter is otherwise known as the “heterosexual recruitment festival” to many and is one of the paramount moments in the gay agenda calendar, and it’s “become one of the most dangerous holidays of the year for Christian men.”

OK, we kid, but these are some of the very real and genuinely published thoughts of Only In American, an outlet that needs no introduction.

The website claimed that the Center for Disease Control has reported that between 2013 and 2016, the authority have noted: “An increased number of men have contracted homosexuality after eating ‘pastel coloured Easter eggs secretly laced with variants of the gender-splicing homosexual chemtrail EcoR1.”

Moreover, “moles” leaked to Only In American the community’s deviously demonic plans to use our “advanced mastery of chemistry” to mass-produce the necessary food-dye to turn the world, well, gay.

“When organizations and families go to dip their food in these lurid mixtures, little do they know they are setting up fathers nationwide to be preyed upon by gays waiting to partake in a new and bizarre pagan ceremony,” the website stated.

The gays are, obviously, probably, not at all lacing Easter eggs to convert the heterosexual populous.

The website then wrote this paragraph which, if it were up to us, deserves a Pullitzer prize:

With athletic family-loving dads leaving themselves distracted and exposed in grassy egg-littered fields kissed by the first Spring’s sun, relaxed-fix Oxford shirts and creased chino pants giving an air of nostalgic youth to their bodies, gay men cannot help but watch from afar and salivate as they wait for their carefully planted chemtrail eggs to be found and consumed, the homosexuality taking hold in any straight males who eat the fleshy contents under the gay dyed shells.

In the report, the author goes onto relay how the “homosexual chemtrail reagent” has been found across 43 American states and Christian activists are urging the public to remain vigilant of any “gays stalking them, waiting for them to crack into an egg they find in a fairgrounds or park area.”

Of course, this faux-conspiracy is being brought to you by the same people behind Liberal Darkness, which has published a colourful array of conspiracy theories about the rampant homosexual agenda.

It even promoted theory debunker Snopes to step in and state that, yes, this is all fake.

But we, for one, will look forward to seeing our fellow gays in fairgrounds and park areas lurking behind unsuspecting straights. Waiting for that egg to crack before we pounce.

Anyway, happy Easter to those celebrating it, and vive les homosexuels!