Someone has to say this, and it may as well be me. It’s time to eject transgender people–specifically, the screeching, bullying, authoritarian trans rights lobby–out of the gay club, at least until they learn how to behave properly to the rest of us.

A Change.org page called “Drop the T” has been doing the rounds for the last few days, brought to prominence after I tweeted it. The petition makes a compelling case for the expulsion of the transsexual lobby from the LGBT umbrella. It asks that gay rights organisations “stop representing the transgender community as we feel their ideology is not only completely different from that promoted by the LGB community … but is ultimately regressive and actually hostile to the goals of women and gay men.”

I agree, and I’m deeply sympathetic to gay men who are mystified by supposedly gay organisations who do nothing these days except bang on about trans pronouns, despite the fact that HIV infections are on the rise again. Feminists are getting braver about explaining how the transgender lobby is riding roughshod over women’s rights and how it is damaging young children. It’s time gay men stood up to the plate as well.

Before I’m branded transphobic again by the screeching progressive Left for even linking to the petition, I urge you to take a look at it, and read the full text. I promise, they’ll still be angry when you get back.

It seems like any time you hear about about an LGBT person causing a scene, it’s a transsexual. For instance, whenever we’re thrown furiously into the conservative wood-chipper over some silly bathroom issue, it’s always the trans lobby pushing us in. It used to be gay guys propositioning police officers after taking a peek at the urinals. Those were the good old days!

And by good old days I mean it’s how I ended up spending a night in the cells in 2009. Now it’s trannies forcing their way into the high school girls’ locker room courtesy of Title IX, a set of rules designed primarily to assist female athletes. We’re even seeing the growth of a cottage industry of mediocre male boxers who declare themselves “women” and start dominating female competitions, doing serious injury to “cis” women in the process.

I’m sorry to say, and this does matter, very often those playing the trans card in the media, whether personally transgender or not, are very often the most awful people on the planet: hectoring, nannying control freaks without an ounce of joy in their hearts. These are not the people I want making public policy or pontificating from the pages of national newspapers and they’re hardly doing their own “trans isn’t a mental illness” argument much credit by acting so damn bonkers all the time.

And before you consider me mean or rude for trying to eject trans people from our club, note that they started it: it’s trans campaigners trying to eject feminists from feminism and no-platform lesbians who don’t support their every barmy pronouncement, branding them “Terfs.” The trans lobby essentially wishes to shut down free speech for anyone who doesn’t get on board the crazy train with a combination of social censure, lawmaking and outright vicious bullying.

Thanks to the trans lobby, we’re in a world where a UCLA newspaper has to apologise for saying that women menstruate, but anyone who dares point that out is in for a nasty surprise on social media.

Oh! And I must warn you. Should you dare to question transition surgery as the most effective or humane treatment pathway for patients with gender dysphoria – and I’m the only high-profile LGBT person to have repeatedly done it, even after sustained and bilious backlash – well, that’s it. They threaten to burn you in effigy on a pride float designed by heterosexual accountants, and that’s just the start.

This is not the way gays are supposed to behave. Gay culture, at its heart, is about self-expression and testing the boundaries of what can be thought and said. Gay men are where Mother Nature makes some of her boldest experiments and achieves some of her greatest successes. Alexander the Great, Alan Turing, Freddie Mercury, me. I could go on and on but I’m already making some of you question your sexuality. Don’t worry, you’re not gay, just secretly fabulous.

By contrast, trans activists seem obsessed with policing and controlling others. They are humourless, divisive, hateful, god-awful bores who have inherited the very worst from their intersectional third-wave feminist antecedents and who seem more interested in laying down the law about pronouns than anyone’s health or welfare. Frankly, I’ve had enough of them.

I doubt I’m the only one, though these days you’re not allowed to say it out loud, even if you’re gay, or you’ll get attacked by the trans lobby in language far more ugly and obscene than anything I’ve heard from the supposedly bigoted reactionary Right. Gay people, liberated from the constraints of what the feminists call “heteropatriarchal norms,” should be joyfully and exuberantly pushing boundaries – not watching their speech, lest they incur the wrath of some tack-spitting cross-dresser.

There’s an argument to be made that the whole trans project is inherently and deeply homophobic, because it tells young gay men that they can’t have certain mannerisms or be attracted to other men without needing surgery to become women. Trans orthodoxy doesn’t account for gays: it wants anyone who finds men attractive, and any man struggling with his sexuality, to hop up on the operating table and become a parody of womanhood. Perhaps we’ll save that for another day.

Of course, there are always exceptions. I’ve met some trannies with a lovely sense of humour, and they’re just as upset about their public representatives as I am. Even stunning-and-brave Queen Caitlyn, formerly Bruce, might be about to fall out with the lunatic fringe. (Progressives try not to bring up that awkward Republicanism.) The web ran white with the salt of social justice warriors in September when Jenner defended people donning Caitlyn and/or Bruce outfits for Halloween. Jenner didn’t find it “problematic” at all.

But it’s very hurtful, I’ve been informed, to find obnoxious people obnoxious if they were born anything other than straight, white and male, so everybody prepare for Cody to whip his new tits out at the lesbian bar and demand that they allow him access to their bedrooms.

It’s as though transsexuals can do no wrong, even though we know crime rates are sky-high. Gay men, so I understand, tend not to commit many serious crimes. I’m secretly relishing the thought of a future in which the police hesitate to chase a bank robber until they can confirm they are cis-gendered, but only because I do a really convincing Dannii Minogue and I could use a new Porsche.

If there is such a thing as transphobia, I’m willing to bet it’s fuelled mostly by theatrics from the uptight trans lobby, whose rhetorical technique combines the bloodlust of twenty-something men with the emotional incontinence and sense of proportion of single middle-aged women. Is it any wonder ordinary folk take a dim view of the dodgy wig brigade when these are your representatives in the media?

I mean, just look at how hopping mad they are at their own intolerance being pointed out. I don’t see what’s so offensive about this campaign. For a group so obsessed with estrogen, transsexuals are sure hanging on to that T. (The less said about the D the better.) If you ask me, when a guy says he needs to cut part of himself off for the world to make sense, we should start with his head.

I’m just saying. It’s up to you guys and no-longer-guys to pick better role models and spokespeople, because your current choices suck. Trannies should learn from the missteps of the black community, which holds up Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Shaun King as role models. Don’t make the same mistake.

I say all this in language designed to provoke the self-appointed arbiters of speech because, secretly, I suspect most trans people agree with me, and because it’s not like transgender people don’t have problems: they are desperately in need of compassion and psychiatric care and they are disproportionately likely to be the victims of violent crime. Though not rape, for some reason.

These problems can’t be fixed so long as the media keeps lying to us about transgenderism, and refusing to have honest discussions about “trans teens” (and even trans toddlers) and whether it’s fair that someone with the upper body strength of a man should be able to kick the shit out of a female athlete simply by announcing that he is “trans.” I might be gay, but I’m still a man, and stories like that bring out my natural chivalry and protective instincts. It’s not okay.

So please: a sense of proportion in media coverage. For one thing, there are barely any transgender people anyway. Most people will never meet one, yet we hear about them endlessly. To read the mainstream media you’d think every third person in America was secretly longing for a pair of breasts.

And let’s not forget, the majority of LGBT people, gay men, put in all the work to make gay rights happen. So stop taking us for granted and stop crapping on us just because we’re not going along with your latest fad. The G in LGBT has been a load-bearing wall for the whole alphabet soup crew for decades, and we extraordinary gays, the best gays, are tired of pulling along every single alternative sexuality when they expect us to do the heavy lifting while they do the easy grifting.

Not, of course, that transgenderism is an alternative sexuality at all. It isn’t. It’s a psychiatric disorder. Sorry, no offence, but it’s true: you only have to look it up. Everyone’s pretty much sold on gays and lesbians as a sexual orientation now. But you can’t do the same with trannies who require hormone treatments and the services of a skilled butcher.

In fact, trans campaigners are insistent that it remain classified as a disorder, whatever the euphemistic language now used in diagnostic manuals, because without disorder status the disproportionately low-income trans sufferers wouldn’t have a case for state-funded surgery. They just love the government, these guys. They want to regulate how we talk to each other, how we have sex, you name it. No area of private conduct is too obscure for the social justice warrior to peek her nose into and attempt to control.

They don’t have a case for surgery at all, to be honest. It happens to be my view that we should not be making reality conform to delusion. There’s no evidence that surgery is the best way forward for everyone, or even anyone, with this condition, and doctors who pioneered it are now coming out and saying so. The libertarian in me doesn’t necessarily mind if you insist on hacking bits of yourself off, but he doesn’t want to pay to make you more miserable than you already are when the medical science is still in total disarray.

If I as a taxpayer have to pay for gruesome bodily mutilation, I want to be sure that (a) it’s in your best interests, (b) you’re not going to change your mind in a few years and (c) you’re not going to kill yourself shortly afterwards anyway. Though if you dare suggest they should maybe check for loose screws before taking a chainsaw to their downstairs log, they’ll scream and threaten until you apologise to them on social media. (Don’t. It never makes things better.)

These people claim to believe in evolution, yet they’re eager to thwart it with hormones whose long-term effects are still unproven. Imagine a person who declares themselves to be Napoleon Bonaparte. Do we treat him by changing his birth certificate to read 1796, Ajaccio, France? Do we only speak to him in French regardless of whether or not he understands us?

If you don’t agree with me about transition surgery, by the way, that’s okay. As I say, the science is still out. I was all ready to have an honest and fact-based discussion about what the best treatments might be for gender dysphoria. But trans activists don’t want to do that. Instead, they celebrate parents who announce that their five-year-old kids are “trans” and whack them on hormones when all the evidence suggests that, left to their own devices, these kids will grow up to be perfectly happy gay men. It’s depraved.

Trans activists want to call people “transmisogynist” unless we sign up to every last bit of your schoolmarmish language code, your Orwellian, circular-saw based ideology and your blind faith in a treatment whose efficacy is yet to be proven – not to mention the downright sick things being done to children. I refuse to watch my tone or check my privilege on the subject any longer: you are hurting people.

It is not transphobic to ask that we are sure we know what we are doing before we put toddlers on powerful hormones. Nor is it transphobic to remind people that trans women do not have the same bodies or experiences as women who were born women. Nor, and you won’t like this, to question whether many of the people who currently describe themselves as “trans” are anything other than confused and a bit gay.

I can’t vouch for the authorship of the “Drop the T” petition, since it was posted anonymously, but there are signs it is on the right track: a strongly-worded condemnation from the Human Rights Campaign and another from GLAAD. Plus, in advance of this column, half a dozen liberal media outlets have already penned outraged dismissals of it, each one quoting yours truly, frantically trying to quell dissent before I’d even published a word on the subject.

These are what I call success indicators. It’s precisely that panicky, furious, bossy and unthinking outrage politics that gay men are so sick of. When Think Progress calls the petition a “devious new right-wing plan,” what they’re forgetting is that at least half their gay readers are conservatives.

In the last UK election, half the gay population told the Guardian they’d be voting Tory. As gay rights battles are won everywhere, and homosexuals feel better able to express their real political preferences, the progressive press and gay establishment are in conniptions trying to wrestle with the existence of conservative homosexuals. Well, I’m sorry, dears: but there are loads of us. Probably, in fact, more than there are of you.

Progressives, who are wrong about everything, are freaking out because their grip on the most powerful and successful minority of all – gay men – is loosening. Well, tough. All these stroppy Left-wing bloggers so angry at me this week are really identifying is the inevitable breakup of what was always a testy and uncomfortable coalition. And good riddance to it, frankly. The more these dippy lefty outrage merchants shriek and howl on Twitter, the more reasonable people are driven to positions like mine.

Just wait until these jokers get a load of the black conservative homosexuals I hang out with, who are getting more and more vocal all the time. Today, the “gay agenda” is supporting free speech and free expression against the nannying of the authoritarian far-Left and tiresome identity politics. What a world.

So, there’s a minority war brewing: progressive columnists are bearing down on gay men, telling us that we’re – get this – privileged, because most of us are still white and male, telling us that our sexual preferences are “racist.” They’re trying to push the G out of LGBT. I say: strike first.

I mean, let’s be honest, the whole rotten LGBT edifice needs to come down. Why are we still pretending gay men and lesbians even like each other? I get that in the old days it was nice to have somewhere to hang out together, but lezzers don’t even want that any more: male gay bars are open to everyone, but their dyke equivalents are very often women-only. Lesbians are the blacks of homosexuality: welcomed everywhere, yet also allowed to reserve certain places only for themselves.

And lesbians just aren’t fun! You all know it’s true. Who ever expressed a sigh of relief or an expression of joy at being sat next to one at a dinner party? And that’s before we even get to the chronic obesity and the widespread domestic violence. Sorry Linda and “Sky,” I really can’t deal with the knitting needles, cat piss, SAGA cruises and summer solstice sacrifices to Mother Gaia any longer. You’re out too.

As for bisexuals, the only advice I can give you is that sitting on the fence is likely to result in a sore crotch.

The only gay establishment abbreviation that ever made any sense to me was SEM, “straight except for Milo,” a phenomenon that is rampant on social media, as anyone who follows me on Twitter will know. I say we get rid of the rest of it and move on with our goddamn lives.

And trans people? For as long as you allow yourself to be represented by pearl-clutching, language-policing bullyboys from the far-Left, you can count gays out as allies. And you can drop that canard about “vast right-wing conspiracies.” You did this to yourselves.

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