If you can read this, then I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that life is insane right now. I don’t need to recap for you what a fucked-up year it’s been, and I am not here to hector you about why things are how they are. Yes, the recent elections are a bit of a hope spot. But, even trans thrash metal badass Danica Roem only got 54% of the vote. 45% still went to her shitty Republican opponent! We can’t rely on margins that thin to turn the tide. There are still tons of crappy, enthusiastic voters out there. So, I’m here to present a solution: We should all run for office as Republican candidates.

Think about it! Republicans will basically vote for anyone who is also a Republican, no matter what. We can exploit their intransigent madness, people! They passionately vote for candidates who lie to them & stab them in the back, because at this point, they’ve absorbed so much untruth about “libtards” & “Demo-Rats” (real creative, Repubs) that they’d rather be dead than Dem. Hell, right now, Republican voters in Alabama are vociferously defending a child molester candidate, with backup from the entire national GOP apparatus! If Charles Manson ran for Republican governor of California, you’d better believe he’d get votes! They have no psychological defense against dedicated liars — hence, our President. So if the rest of us run on GOP tickets, and just lie our collective asses off, we can bring about a political revolution! Either our fake-Repubs win, or a D does!

It’s not going to be a comfortable process. We’re gonna have to say crazy shit. We’re gonna make some insane, pie-in-the-sky, black-hearted promises, and deceive millions of people, while propping up the filthy two-party system. We’re gonna have to tell people that we can build a fighter spaceship that will rain blood over China, but also cut their taxes to zero, and also cure every disease using Capitalism. And we’re gonna have to keep a straight face while we do it. But there will be fun times! Imagine saying lies so big that someone like Mitch McConnell has to go on the defensive! We can back them into corners, make them confront their worst ideas, & trick them into saying things like “I have not now, nor will I ever, spend taxpayer money on reviving the dinosaurs.” “Oh, you won’t? AND WHY IS THAT, MR. MCCONNELL? COULD IT BE THAT YOU’RE SECRETLY A DEMOCRAT LIZARD-PERSON?” Then we’ll get a statement from McConnell saying he’s neither a Democrat nor a lizard-person; he’ll have already lost. His base will obviously support a lizard-person, but they certainly won’t stand for no Goddamned crypto-Democrat!

Now, some real Republicans would probably still win, especially if they’re in one of the few remaining districts with smart Republicans in it. Those are gonna be the battleground races, where simply crowding out the evil people won’t work. But even if we just win over the gullible people, those poor people who consistently vote against their own economic interests, we’ll seize a huge amount of political power. Enough to reverse some of this year’s worst policies, restore Obama’s best ones, and maybe even work on some actual progress! And our voters will never figure it out, so long as we just keep lying to them. Sure, we’ll have to outwardly compromise our beliefs & values to get into office, but is that so different from what the usual Presidential & Congressional candidates do? We’ll change the GOP so much that the real conservatives will have to split off & form a third party, by which point they will be well & truly fucked. American professional conservatism will turn into the new Green Party: a piddling nuisance that loses elections & hates vaccines.

So let’s fill out those forms! Let’s make those social media accounts & fundraising committees! Let’s dilute the right wing so much that it ceases to exist! They’ve paved the way for literally anyone to take office as a Republican. So let’s get everyone in office. Every office. Because the only other actual option is to really get out the vote and, well…good luck with that.