I am a Vegan and do not believe in harming animals. Unfortunately, whenever I’m outside my dick keeps reflexively swatting flies, like a horse’s tail. I constantly have these poor little crushed souls stuck all over my stomach, thighs, and lower back. How do I enforce my values onto my dick? –Anonymous

Dear Tanner Burkus of Orange, CA,

Your dick can be trained to avoid certain reflexes with negative reinforcement. Try the following experiment:

Five times a day, spend a few minutes playing a tape recording of flies buzzing. When your dick instinctively begins slapping about, jab your dick with an electric cattle prod. Within a week, the reflex will be all but gone. After this point, you can limit the dick shocking sessions to just once a day.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can an avowed Vegan justify purchasing a cattle prod? This ethical dilemma is indeed mystifying. If you are religious, you may want to talk it over with your pastor, rabbi, imam, or other spiritual guide.

But whatever you do, don’t attempt to build your own electroshock device for use on your dick. Too high a voltage and your dick may shoot off like a rocket, ricocheting off walls in a terrifying fashion. “Play it safe!”

–Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD