By Dave Hitt on Jun 19, 2010 in Featured, Things Atheists Didn't Do

Gunther Link, 45, was stuck in an elevator. As soon as he was rescued he ran to church to thank his God. His God then crushed him under an 860 pound stone altar. That God dude is such a practical joker. An atheist would have thanked his rescuers instead.

God also sent 117 people to the hospital via contaminated holy water.

Allah is has the same sense of humor. When one of his followers, who was obviously not an atheist, insisted on wearing a head covering at a go-cart track, he rewarded her by strangling her with it. What a jokester!

It looks like Pakistan is going to be calling for the execution of Facebook operator Mark Zuckerberg. He allowed the “draw a picture of Mohamed day” page to stay up, so the Religion of Peace wants him killed.

A month after the earthquake a Haitian couple tried to get married. Christian evangelicals, not atheists, helpfully attacked them with rocks, because it was a pagan wedding.

An African mob burned down a home, putting a family of nine on the street, because they believed they were witches.

John Smith has more imagination than the parents who named him. He fired Jammie Harms because her fetus was hostile toward him, and was projecting negative energy. His psychic confirmed his suspicions. He did try to resolve it by going to a chiropractor/energy worker, but that didn’t work out, so he canned her.

Christians and Muslims in Nigeria enjoyed a three day riot that left dozens dead. Perhaps they were arguing about whose god was more loving. The last atheist riot was. . . um. . .never.

A US military supplier of very sophisticated gun sights inscribed each one with a scripture. Surprisingly, when it was revealed, they stopped doing it.

Who needs 72 virgins? This Israeli “Messiah” is happy with a mere 17. Or maybe 30. He’s too busy to count them, and the approximately 60 kids he appears to have fathered. Note the Funny Eyes.

What do you do when the church says your mom is a witch? Slit her throat, of course. (Funny eyes, again.)

The Pope warned Africans that use of condoms would increase the spread of AIDS because. . . because he’s an idiot, I guess. There’s no other explanation.

Hasidic Jews, not atheists, staged a riot outside an Intel factory in Israel, because it operated on the Sabbath. They attacked cars, yelled insults, and spit. And if you’ve ever listened to them pronounce words like chutzpah and Hasidim you know they can generate serious amounts of phlegm.

A Christian Theater group, whose website says they’re “Dedicated to providing drama that is overshadowed by the truth and power of God and His Word, the Bible,” is asking for nearly a half million dollars of taxpayer money to fund their silliness. Evidently God is a little short of cash at the moment.

The Catholic Church, still refusing to admit their blame in aiding and abetting child rape, once again claimed that it was the fault of homosexuals, not pedophiles. (Note: Every week there are literally dozens of new stories about catholic priests raping children and the church making increasingly lame excuses for it. I’ve opted to bypass most of them, because there’s only so much space on my web host’s hard drives.)

Every Friday afternoon Muslims mob several streets in Paris, shutting down businesses. They’ve even got their own faux security guards to keep anyone else out of the area.

If you’re broken someone jaw in the UK, simply find a ditzy judge who will let you go because you’re a Muslim.

If you’re Muslim, better avoid watching soccer. If your own family doesn’t kill you the religious police might. Atheists can watch soccer if they want to, but most American atheists don’t, because it’s lame.

If your six week old baby, who you’ve named Faith Lovemore, is crying, just stuff bible pages in her mouth until she stops breathing. That will calm her right down. Daddy was a religious whack job too. (Once again, seriously funny eyes.) Poor kid. If she only had been born to atheist parents. . .

As always, this is just a small percentage of stories I’ve gathered since the last TADD post. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I couldn’t find enough material to do another one?