Trigger alert: so many, many many babies.

This is a heart touching movie about people who set out to do big things without having thought them through. It’s like they had an idea, they patted themselves on the back for it, and just acted on it.

cough *demonetisation* cough

Without further ado, let’s dive into the super hit movie, Minnaram.

Retd. I G Matthews, is a tough ass guy who heads the household. He bluffs quite often; a very familiar figure for all of us.

Matthews is in a financial crisis. Although in the beginning one may wonder how, later it becomes clear. I mean, look at the frigging house he lives in. Its one month electricity bill alone can put anyone in debt.

He even has his kitchen run by a chef, who cooks with a golden spatula. This is a whole different level of decadence.

It’s a difficult time for Matthews, I must say. Matthews’s son Baby, who thinks he has to keep his name by producing babies, has five kids with his wife. But, they have conveniently abandoned them at Matthews’s castle.

The five kids, between 3–10 years of age, have behavioral issues, thanks to how the adults have been treating them.

The movie’s writer, who is also the director, was too lazy when it came to naming characters. These five kids are at the center of the damn plot, but none of them have names. Like, how important are names, right?

We are told that the kids have been rusticated from school and are home schooled. But, unfortunately for the kids, none at home has any clue on what to do with five kids. So they hire a guy who proudly admits that he is a child abuser.

Okay, I don’t have any experience with raising kids, but if someone like him comes anywhere closer to my kids, I would call the police.

But, Matthews, who doesn’t think things through, hires him without even giving it a thought. It’s 1994, I agree, but where is the goddamn common sense!!

The writer surely did not have time for naming the kids. Now, what’s with the overdoing of German references?

Matthews is a gold digger. He has the best idea to get out of financial crisis- get his adopted son, Bobby, to marry a rich girl. But all of Matthews’s plans topple down when Neena lands with, what she claims to be, Bobby’s baby. Matthews is shattered at the thought of having one more kid in the house; also his gold digging plans that have gone astray.

We are taken to a flashback. Bobby and Nina were members of the choreo club in Law college. Their team would frequently conduct flash mobs everywhere, literally, everywhere.

They didn’t even spare the frigging court

Bobby is one of those guys who wants to project a playboy image.

He hits on Neena for the same, sadly things don’t work out as he expected.

Can’t blame her, though.

So, his immediate resolute is to threaten Neena that he would forcibly kiss her if she doesn’t respond to his wooing. Bobby, friends, wasn’t raised well and it’s Neena’s turn to put him in his place. A tight slap on the face.

Neena’s normal reaction to Bobby’s obscenity is not taken well by the admin. She is forced to apologize to the entire college because she has insulted Bobby’s masculinity. Surely, ’94 was an excellent time for MRAs.

Anyways, they start dating, after Bobby apologizes.

Bobby confesses all of this to Daisy, his colleague and friend. Daisy has a husband, who is paranoid and insecure. His paranoia is a parallel plot, that never, ever converges with the main plot. Sure, the writer had time to create a character solely for comic relief, but he definitely had no time to name the kids!

Bobby is sure that the baby is not his. But has no ways to prove it. And no one seems to believe his innocence, because they know how he is influenced by Baby, who is obsessed with producing babies.

Like I said before, no one in this movie, think things through. Bobby brings his friend from college to make the claim that Neena is married to him and the baby is his. Oh, yeah, very ambitious. In all that fury, he forgets to inform him a crucial point- the baby’s name. (A very meta reference to the writer’s belief that names of kids are not important)

In the meantime, Neena is really bored with her time in the castle that she decides to teach the kids. Obviously, she doesn’t know what to do with five kids of different ages. So, she teaches them nursery rhymes. Okay, if you want to impress Matthews and others, how about try something that is actually useful to these kids’ lives, ya?

By now, Bobby’s engagement with the rich girl is broken as they got to know about Neena and the baby. Matthews, although sad, but relieved that Neena can easily take care of the five kids, asks Bobby to marry Neena. To which Neena says no. At this point, like everyone in the movie, I am also confused. Where is this going?

To know the reason, Bobby gets drunk, and threatens to rape her if she does not spill the secret. Not cool, Bobby, not cool.

Now we learn, the baby is not Bobby’s, but Baby’s. After a rift with his wife, Baby has been dating Meena, Neena’s sister, for sometime. As someone who is obsessed with babies, he impregnated her and abandoned her when his wife was ready to patch up. Neena asks Baby to man up and accept the baby as his, as Meena has died.

Everyone knows the truth now, all mysteries are solved, a perfect time to end the movie. But, no, the movie continues. Neena faints and is admitted in the hospital. Enter, Neena’s brother, Ronney, who informs Bobby that Neena has Polycythemic Vera, a fatal disease.

Hold on. Polycythemia Vera, a type of cancer that is caused due to abnormal production of blood cells, carries symptoms like itching, severe burning pain in the hands or feet, fatigue among others. But, a while ago, Neena was running over hills singing nursery rhymes. Where was this deadly disease, then?

What was Neena planning anyways? She can barge into the house with a baby, dig out the past relationship, and eventually come out hands clean, with a bleddy frigging ‘fatal’ disease? Forget plan, did she even have a pla*?

(*courtesy: Phoeby Buffay)

The doctors inform that she can be saved if they get a medicine from, nowhere else other than, Germany. But they suggest that until the medicine comes, they can control the RBC production by draining out blood.The doctors warn that she should be emotionally stable for everything to work out as planned.

Right after this, Bobby goes straight to Neena, and gets sentimental. Then she takes her out, into the cold hills of Ooty, with the kids, to sing and jolly. Dude, did you even listen to what the docs said?

Obviously, Neena becomes unconscious and has to be taken back to the hospital.

Now, the medicine has reached the airport from Germany. In such cases, normally anyone would send an ambulance, something that can wade through traffic easily. But, here, Bobby decides to collect it, wait for it, on his Hero Honda CD100. This guy sure did not want Neena to live.

Then it’s the family’s turn. Baby and his wife accept Meena’s kid as theirs and all of them visit Neena in the hospital, as if to say goodbye. One thing, one thing that the doctors said- “do not make her emotional”- and all of them go and do exactly that!

Ofcourse, Neena died from emotional overwhelming. duh

quite a ‘happy ending’ :P

Nina gone, baby is taken in by Baby, and Bobby is free to marry the rich girl. Matthews is finally happy with his gold digging plans back in place.

Moral of the story:

Use condoms. Don’t make kids, if you do not know how to raise them.