Don’t talk to Dmitry Rybolovlev about financial fair play. The Russian tycoon is not convinced it exists, and nor would you if you’d just been ordered to hand over £2.68bn to your ex-wife. Mind you, if you’ve still got enough left over to shovel a quarter of million pounds a week into Ashley Cole’s pocket, then sympathy, like a youngster who aspires to work for a football kit distribution company, is going to be in shorts supply.

In addition to attempting to luring Cole, Monaco are poised to finalise the signing of Barcelona’s ex, Víctor Valdés. The club is also about to appoint a new manager after jilting Claudio Ranieri. The man they’re looking for must be “modern” and “attack-minded” and ideally will have just stepped down as boss of Sporting Lisbon in order to make himself available. How convenient that Leonardo Jardim fits that bill perfectly. Staying in France, as most good players don’t, Lyon are also about to hire a new manager, namely Hubert Fournier of Reims.

Meanwhile back in Blighty, Manchester City are mulling over a bid from Valencia for Edin Dzeko, who has one year left to run on his contract at the Etihad and has yet to be offered a new deal, let alone two birthday cakes, a sing-song and enough attention to satisfy Yaya Kardashian.

Liverpool are haggling with Southampton over Adam Lallana, which all seems a bit pointless as you’ve got to suspect that whatever fee that the clubs eventually agree on will be immediately trumped by Chelsea. Liverpool are also trying to prise Pedro from Barcelona after Luis Enrique hinted that there will be a clear-out at the Camp Nou, a suggestion that has got Manchester United all excited that they may finally land Cesc Fábregas. Toni Kroos is almost a done deal, according to various organs, and Arjen Robben could also be on his way to Old Trafford, where he and Ashley Young are expected to open a Scuba superstore.

Liverpool, like Arsenal, have also asked Swansea about the availability of Michu but they have yet to get an answer. Perhaps Garry Monk has taken a vow of silence? That could prove very trying to Rodgers, who also wants to free Steven Caulker from Cardiff and Michel Vorm from Swansea. Arsenal, meanwhile, are close to capturing Toulouse right-back Serge Aurier, who has been rather more vocal, continually hinting that he would welcome a move to the Emirates.

Manchester City, meanwhile, are prepared to fork out up to £30m for Roma centre-back Mehdi Benatia, as their former target Eliaquim Mangala wants to go to Chelsea on the admirably undiplomatic grounds that London is a better place to live than Manchester.

Newcastle could finally secure the services of Bafétimbi Gomis – but the out-of-contract striker is demanding around £100,000 per week. And Tottenham’s Sandro, not to be confused with the club’s former striker Sandra (Redknapp), wants to move to Italy.