Riddle me this: If everyone knows about it, is it still a secret world? And, if everybody in the entire whole of human existence makes that joke, have we failed as a species? Are our greatest works – from the Great Wall to the Sistine Chapel to Twitter – rendered invalid by a primal attraction to terrible humor? These are the questions we must ask ourselves as we peer into the nightmarish depths of our own reflections, glances dancing and darting around – never lingering – for fear of drowning in the oozy shadows of truth. Well, that and also “Did I pre-order The Secret World?” If the answer’s yes, then you’ve got a hot date with the Templar starting area this weekend. Hooray!

Specifically, you’ll have access to the Templar hub area in London and the suspiciously foggy town of Kingsmouth – which, I’m sure, is nothing to fret abou–

“Here the small town of Kingsmouth is under siege and you must discover what dark force lies behind it all. A strange fog has come in from the ocean and death has followed in its wake. The dead are rising. The monsters of the forest are stirring. An ancient and terrible power is awaking.”

Oh wait, is that what fog normally does? Goodness, this means my tiny San Franciscan hovel’s probably been under siege for ages now. Man, I feel really guilty for not pitching in – not to mention kind of silly. That is so like me to miss the supernatural apocalypse. Maybe, though, if I hurry, a zombie will still feel up to sinking its rot-ridden fangs into my clavicle.

So right then, the beta event kicks off at 9am PDT/5pm BST on May 11th and runs until Sunday May 14th at 12:00am PDT/8:00am BST. And now I’m off. Wish me luck!