I don’t eat cereal. I like some cereal brands, but they all just make me feel like I’ve got a kettlebell resting in the bottom of my belly for the rest of the day. Maybe it’s the milk, I dunno. All I know is, I avoid cereal because it turns me into a sloth who just wants to lay about playing Bricks n’ Balls all day. As such, my hellbound sinners, I have been unable to get my hands on the decoder ring that appears to allow the vast majority of internet users to see unwritten statements. I believe it’s called the “presumptuous *sshole ring”.

I got this question yesterday from one such ring-bearer:

I read in your bio that you grew up without religion and you “never believed a day in your life”. I can’t help but wonder, then, how you can be so sure there is no god if you’ve never even tried to believe. I’ve studied many faiths before I came to settle on Christianity. I find ex-religious atheists way more credible than you.

My ring hypothesis is, of course, just a guess. I can find no other explanation for why so many people seem to be able to read things that just aren’t there. For instance, while I have, of course, said many times that I have never been religious and have often used the phrase “never believed a day in my life”, I have never, ever said that I’ve not tried to believe. I’ve never once said that I was sure there is no god.

No, these are statements I’ve never uttered on my blog, in videos, podcasts, interviews, social media or anywhere else for that matter. It feels silly addressing things I’ve never said, but I will anyway, for the sake of clarity.

Am I sure there is no god? No. Technically. I think the idea of a god is absurd but I also recognize that reality does not concern itself with what I, personally, find absurd. I mean, other things I find absurd include the average lifespan of a dog, the cost of world travel, the brand new level of deliciousness occupied solely by Jason Momoa and the fact that Trump supporters actually exist. But there these things are, out there in the real world being absurd. I recognize that I do not ultimately know if there is a god, no matter how absurd I feel the idea to be. So, no. No, I am not sure there is no god. I’m damned near close to sure, but I am not sure which begs the question, where did you get that I was?

Have I ever tried to believe? I have indeed. There was a period of time in my life during which I tried on being a pretentious twit for a little while. You know how it goes: you are able to bring up Carl Jung quotes in just about every conversation and you find yourself crushing on your sociology prof who comes to class in combat boots and a Che Guevara T. During this period of my life, I attributed my awe at the cosmos to my oneness with the universe and I was pretty sure that if I thought it, it’d come true. I used to say hilariously goofy crap like “god is the universe” and “our energy has to go somewhere when we die”. But alas, it was just a phase and it didn’t last long. I soon realized how utterly ridiculous I sounded and with the help of my science courses at college (where the profs wore specs and sweaters which became incalculably more attractive to me than Professor Comrade), I learned to value evidence. So, yes, I have tried to believe.

I know you’re asking about your own god though, the Christian god; that Abrahamic caricature of a deity that you like to pray to before you slam a ham sando. Have I ever tried to believe in that god? The one who sacrificed his own son to himself to create a loophole in his own law? Yeah, no. I’ve never been able to bring myself to attempt to believe in the zombie god who forces himself on virgins and punishes mortals who don’t worship him with eternal torture so horrendous it’d make Vlad the Impaler soil his britches. The story of your god just never felt anything other than completely unbelievable to me.

This answer likely won’t help you understand how I can live without a god I’ve never tried to believe in though, and so I will pose this question to you and all you other believers out there: how much time have you put into trying to believe in the arachnid trickster god, Anansi? How about Medusa, the serpent-haired rage-monster who could turn you to stone? Have you ever tried – truly tried – to believe in Chinnamasta, who cut off her own head and now carries it around with her everywhere she goes? I doubt it. I doubt you’ve even heard of half the gods that have been proposed since the beginning of humanity, and yet you easily dismiss them just as easily as I dismiss your god claim. So, really, you know what it’s like to lack a belief in a god you’ve never tried to believe in. You fully understand where I’m coming from. Whether or not you’re willing to be honest about it is a whole other question, though.

So you say you find me less credible than an ex-theist atheist and I say that’s fine. To be honest, I’d rather shed light on the stories of ex-theists than my own, anyway. But maybe, just perhaps, if you chose to engage with the things I actually said versus the things you’ve made up in your own head, you might be able to squeeze a little more credibility out of me. Until then, I’m not the least bit worried that you find me unconvincing because I’m really not trying to convince you of anything and even if I was, let’s face it, you’d probably use your handy-dandy presumption ring to twist it into something else anyway.

I’d like to know how you’d respond to this person’s questions. Let me know in the comments!

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Image: Copyright/Courtney Heard