Part Two of a weeklong series.

When it comes to addressing the potentially frightening topic of death with our children, heaven isn’t the only tool in the secular parent’s toolbox. On Monday, we learned how science can be a surprisingly powerful tool. Today, we consider the simple power of just being there.

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Many children, for whatever reason, go through a death-obsession stage. They worry about their parents’ dying, or themselves. For these kids especially, parents are wise to ask open-ended questions, encourage children to talk about their fears, and to assure these kids that, just as death is natural, so too is the fear of death.

“It’s okay to think about death and to be scared of it,” you might say. “That’s what helps keep us from doing things that threaten our health and safety. What things can you think of that will help you to live a long, long life?”

Engaging with children about these fears, as opposed to trying to keep the fears at bay, will help them follow these thoughts to their logical conclusions.

“What if you die?” your child might ask.

“Yes, what if I die?” you could say. “What would that be like?”

Such prompts might lead to thoughts that surprise you. “Will I have to live in an orphanage?” your child might ask. Or “Who will kiss me goodnight?”

Again, there is often a compulsion to lessen the pain or anxiety about thoughts of dying. Often parents resort to “That’s not going to happen until you’re very old.” And that’s okay. More than likely, it’s true. But don’t forget that this can be a wonderful opportunity to redirect feelings of helplessness into something positive. Consider talking about all the things that help keep people alive — eating right, exercising, getting medical checkups, looking both ways when you cross the street, etc. Death is inevitable, but there are things we can do to help postpone the inevitable.

Just remember, though, one of the best things we can do for our freaked-out kids is to listen. Instead of trying to identify a way to make the pain stop, just be present. Nods and hugs are fine, but parents who try too hard to comfort with words can end up explaining more than a child wants or is ready to hear.

When in doubt, try turning the questions back on the child. Author Earl A. Grollman offers this example: When a child asks, “What did Grandma look like after she died?” a parent might answer: “What do you think she looked like?” This may offer some insight into the child’s imagination and help guide the conversation where they need to go.

Tomorrow — In Lieu of Heaven, Give Kids Confidence