The metaphor of 'maintenance' is commonly used in relation to women, and it is deeply offensive. Photo: Stocksy

He was doing so well until I got to the last line. Bill, his name was. I saw him on Tinder.

He had a cute profile pic. Nice eyes. He was gainfully employed. And he saw 'good in the world'. I liked that. I kept reading.

"You are kind, active and fun," he wrote. Fair enough.


But then: "You are mid-range on the maintenance scale."

Mid-range on the maintenance scale? I'm sorry, what? Was this guy seeking a partner? Or was he looking to buy a car?

The metaphor of 'maintenance' is commonly used in relation to women, and it is deeply offensive. A man will speak of his 'high maintenance' ex-girlfriend, or specify 'low maintenance only' on his dating profile. It speaks of machinery and equipment, inanimate objects that require servicing to remain in good working order. It implies an equation of input and output: service the car and you get to drive it. Maintain the woman and receive the goodies.

And the less maintenance required, the better.

But relationships aren't about maintenance and servicing. relationships aren't about input and output. A relationship is a connection between two people, who work to know, support and nurture each other on multiple levels.

You don't 'maintain' a partner to keep her in good working order so you can drive her occasionally. You connect with a partner, seek emotional intimacy, communicate with her, nourish the relationship.

So what does 'high maintenance' actually mean?

Well, 'high maintenance' is actually a code, referring to emotional demands. A high maintenance woman is considered to be emotionally needy, rather than financially or physically demanding. By definition, a woman cannot be 'high maintenance' on her own. She becomes 'high maintenance' in the context of a relationship.

But what does this mean, to be 'emotionally needy'? Doesn't every woman have emotional needs? And, just as significantly, doesn't every man?

Well yes, of course every woman has needs. But not every man wishes to meet them, and this is where 'high maintenance' comes into play.

Men who use the term 'high maintenance' are not looking for emotional intimacy. Men like Bill of Tinder don't wish to extend themselves to truly connect with another person. They are seeking a partner who will offer value to them (sex, company, affection, status, an end to loneliness) whilst putting in the minimal effort. Men like Bill resent women for even having needs, because they don't see them as equal partners in a relationship.

And men like Bill punish their partners for making emotional demands. They shut down discussions, accuse their partner of being 'dramatic', or tell them they're too 'emotional' when they express their feelings.

They call women with needs 'high maintenance' and demanding, when really it is them who is not forthcoming.

But women who are considered 'high maintenance' in one relationship may not be at all in another. This is because high drama can be a product of a relationship that does not acknowledge their needs. When we receive signals that it is not okay to make emotional demands or express vulnerability, we can feel anxious and unsafe and try desperately to connect. The 'drama' is a product of the instability of the relationship.

Of course, not every man requires emotional intimacy, and that is fine. Not every woman requires emotional intimacy either. But men like Bill of Tinder should own their own needs, rather than accuse women of being unreasonable in theirs.

A more honest profile should read:

"You are kind, honest and fun. As I am not willing to achieve true emotional intimacy, you should be the same."

Or perhaps they should just buy a sex robot online. Robots make very few demands, and are quite low maintenance.

And the men won't even need to use Tinder.