This morning a pal messaged me:

Why the hell are conservative Christians so obsessed with sex? I mean, really?

It’s been my experience that everyone is obsessed with sex. Research indicates that the average person has a pretty significantly raunchy sexual thought 9, 345,865,9863,840,084,972,907,76423,238,906,853,042,794,735,320,934,659,872,712, 731.2 times a day.

Hey, man. You can’t argue with facts.

And yet, somehow, regular people manage not to have other people’s sex lives be something that they cannot seem to stop publicly writing about, talking about, and trying to control through fear, intimidation, horrendous hyperbole, and the construction of public policies so atrociously stupid they should be written in crayon.

Whence this dysfunction? What are anti-gay Christians missing that regular people have? Or what do they have that regular people don’t?

What they have (or, at least, what they think they have) is Official Permission—permission from God, no less—to make other people’s private business their business.

They have all the obsession over sex that regular people do—plus they believe that the All-Powerful Creator of the Universe desires them to stop everyone in the world from having any sex that’s different from the kind they imagine Ward and June Cleaver had, exactly twice.

And how great is that for them? Don’t you wish your pastor regularly enjoined everyone in your church to get out there and make the sex lives of others their personal business? I sure do!

Well, actually, I don’t. Because I think sex is gross. But I’m old. When I have sex it is gross.

But the point is: Christians who campaign against LGBT love are thrilled with their belief that God wants them buzzing around other people’s sex lives like Beavis and Butthead operating a drone over a nude beach.

They’re not being prurient, intrusive, voyeuristic, arrogant, condescending, lewd and rude.

No, no, no.

They’re being pious, see. They’re doing God’s work.

Of course anti-gay Christians won’t give up their blatantly flawed theology until you pry it from the hand of theirs that’s not busily occupied doing something they don’t want their first hand to know about.

Because what fun would that be?

If anti-LGBT Christians got real about the Bible, what would that leave them to do except worry about their own business?