The problem with Twitter, people always say, is that it’s too good. Everything on Twitter is just too wonderful. If only someone could somehow make Twitter horrifying enough that you instinctually threw your phone across the room upon loading the app, we could get our lives back. Friends, consider this problem solved. Game designer Liz England has created @vg_erotica, a Twitter bot which combines romance novel excerpts with video game references, and every time it tweets I hear myself cry “Oh no!” aloud. It is beautiful in its dreadfulness. Workplace warning: this post contains awful sexiness.

The bot combines snippets of Sarah MacLean novels with video game memes and references, turning sexy into dank. My skin crawls yet I laugh. If you want to see how such a monster came into being, check out England’s Twitter thread of progress.

I think the worst part is, I have a nagging half-memory that I might once have said something somewhat like this to an actual living person in the nip. Why.

I mean,

His gaze was on her, intent and unmoving and, while he had not moved, it seemed as though he had grown larger, more looming. "How can I make this night more satisfying for you, my lady?" The soft question set her heart racing and her stomach turning. "Git gud." — vg_erotica (@vg_erotica) February 1, 2018

it’s

He pressed a kiss to the soft skin at the base of her neck. She gasped his name. He scraped his teeth across the soft lobe of one ear until she shivered in his arms. "Talk to me." "Graphics 8/10." — vg_erotica (@vg_erotica) February 2, 2018

just

He pressed closer to her and a gave a long sigh at her ear, before whispering, "…0451." — vg_erotica (@vg_erotica) February 1, 2018

not

"What are you going to do?" He was so close, she could smell him, bergmot and cedar, and she paused at the sensation of his breath brushing over the skin of her cheek. "360noscope." — vg_erotica (@vg_erotica) February 1, 2018

right.

When he groaned, long and lovely, she leaned forward and kissed his cheek softly, whispering against his skin, "I main Hanzo. And I never switch." — vg_erotica (@vg_erotica) February 1, 2018

Though even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

He slowly leaned down to kiss her, long and lush. "It's not the only thing I'm good at." Her eyelids flickered at the erotic promise in the words, and she said, softly, "Crunch is always a failure of project management." — vg_erotica (@vg_erotica) February 2, 2018

“Many bots combine two things in order to create something bigger and better through the juxtaposition,” noted George Buckenham, my pal who runs the bot-making platform that this is built upon. “This bot combines two things to make something much worse.”

I heartily agree with that recommendation. I’m experiencing that same feeling our Brendy has with the horrible bag of meaty tendrils in Carrion, of being enamoured with how perfectly terrible something is.