Special Relationship triumph as US extends middle finger of friendship over hit-and-run driver

The famous Special Relationship, that is the cornerstone of Boris Johnson’s post-Brexit trade policy, once again proved its worth as the US State Department penned a lovely letter telling Northamptonshire police it could ‘go fuck itself’ over lifting the immunity of a diplomat’s wife who allegedly killed a British teenager.

A spokesperson for the Foreign Office, Simon Williams, insisted the way that the US refused to allow one of their own to face British justice showed how deep the bonds were between the two countries.

He went on, “Had we been French or German, this would have created a huge diplomatic kerfuffle as they would have insisted that the life of their citizens is more important than sucking up to Washington.

“But we have a smooth system in place where Americans who kill Britons can easily leave the country unchallenged and we can all get back to planning photo-op visits to the White House.

“Thanks to the ancient and strong ties between our two countries, the Americans are extremely contrite when telling us they would never let an official’s spouse face a British court. In the same way, they are so polite when they told us we could sit on pencil and twirl as they won’t send their naval assets to help free our ship from the Iranians.”

Mr Williams was asked if the Special Relationship was less of a diplomatic reality and more a way for British politicians to pass themselves off as important global statesmen to the dwindling number of UK constituents who still believe the UK mattered.

He concluded, “That’s not true. We’re their favourite country. We have a Queen! Israel is just a passing fad!”