BOULDER, CO—Insisting that this, right now, is the moment to get in on the ground floor if you want to “make bank,” local brother-in-law Doug Mooreland recounted Monday to all available family members that he has, in fact, heard that one can make “a shitload of money” doing that. “I mean, even if you’re only, like, halfway decent at it—and really, it doesn’t seem that hard—you can make just a fuck ton of money. I heard one of the early guys who tried this thing, I mean, he worked pretty hard and it was the early days and all, but he retired at, I wanna say 40? And now he lives on his boat,” said Mooreland, clarifying that the only things you need to get started are a reliable vehicle, some specialized equipment, and a bunch of friends. “You barely even have to work once you get it all rolling. Just sit back and collect what they call ‘passive income.’ I’m talking big money, man. So I’ve actually been thinking, it sounds like the real deal and, y’know, maybe you want to get in on this together?” At press time, Mooreland was also asking friends and family members if, long story short, he could sleep on their couch for a few nights, call it a week max.

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