Katherine* knows she's been to Disneyland before – there are black holes in her mind that stop her from remembering it, but she has the photographs to prove it.

Nearly all of her childhood memories are shrouded in a thick cloak of darkness.

Her short-term memory is fantastic but she has minutes, hours and even days where she just "blacks out".

The Auckland woman has schizophrenia, but she doesn't believe that should stop her from being a mother to her three children.

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About one per cent of the population suffer from a psychotic disorder, and the condition makes it hard for the sufferer to determine what is real and what is not.

THE EARLY YEARS

Katherine, 24, believes she was born with psychosis. It causes her to see hallucinations, usually in the form of demons, as well as giving her gaps in her memories.

She used to hear voices, but they're gone now.

"The black-outs are very hard to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it – there was one day in particular when I was [a teenager] where I remember standing in the kitchen staring at a drawer of knives, and then it all goes blank," she said.

A few hours later Katherine came to outside a building. The police were on their way and there was a knife in her bag.

"I felt terrible, it was all just so unbelievable. When I said I had no idea how the knife got into my bag no one believed me."

DEMONS AND FOLKLORE

Unsplash Katherine wants her children to understand her mental illness (file photo).

Vivid demons swirl around Katherine's mind whether she's awake or asleep.

"I can be in a cafe with my friends and I'll see a dark figure walk past us. It feels so real."

Katherine said she had become transfixed with folklore in recent years as it helped her feel less afraid of the creatures she saw.

There have also been times where Katherine believed she had seen accidents happen before they did.

"I can predict accidents. Once I saw my friend get into a crash and I watched him on the operating table and the next day it happened.

"There are days where I see something bad happening in certain places so I have to stay inside."

While visions of demons may seems frightening from the outside, Changing Minds chief executive Tami Allan said all of us have experienced what psychosis is like.

"Psychosis is seeing, hearing and feeling thing others can't – that's it," Allan said.

"We've all had times where we think someone is calling our name but we turn around and no one is there. I often describe it as being like a nightmare but awake."

MOTHERHOOD

Katherine admits being a mother is hard. She suffers from insomnia, so is "always" tired.

She is in contact with Oranga Tamariki, and she said staff there had been very helpful in dealing with her 7-year-old daughter.

"They want to help you be a better parent. I used to be afraid of asking for help because I thought they'd take my children away."

She hadn't told her two young sons about her mental health issues yet, but she recently explained the basics to her daughter.

"I don't want to hide it from them. They know I sometimes need time out and it's something they accept."

A worry that does play on Katherine's mind is whether her children will one day develop psychosis too.

"My daughter hasn't been diagnosed but I can see symptoms in her. She's so young I don't want to label her and make her feel different or wrong."

Allan said while genetics did come in to play with psychosis, about 70 per cent of cases are brought on by environment.

"It's not purely genetic – there's a lot of people out there who may be predisposed to it but the effects of their environment may mean they never experience it."

The few memories Katherine had of her own childhood were not happy ones, and she hoped to give her own children a life filled with love.

"My mother is a narcissist. She yelled and screamed all the time. All I ever wanted was her love.

"She never hugged me. I remember once I asked her why and she brushed it off saying, 'oh you didn't like hugs', but it was all I ever wanted from her."

Having children was "the best thing to ever happen", Katherine said, and she had no regrets about having children so young. Her oldest was born when she was 17.

"I'm growing up with them."

Many people did not know about Katherine's psychosis as she was afraid of judgement and tired of people telling her she shouldn't be allowed to have children.

"When I broke up with my children's dad he tried to make people believe I was unstable to spite me.

"My kids are wonderful, and I love them with all of my heart, I can't imagine my life without them."

Allan said the possibility of losing children was a fear for many parents dealing with mental health issues.

"It's rubbish to say those with psychosis shouldn't have kids. Many people living with psychosis manage it well and with the right support from family it's not an issue."

LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT

123rf Katherine often sees shadowy figures out of the corner of her eye (file photo).

Katherine said one of her favourite things to do while her kids were at school was take long walks through nature, as it helped her clear her mind.

"You have to learn to take care of yourself when you can. I'm coping really well these past few years," she said.

"I think keeping busy is important for me."

For people with psychosis, anti-psychotics are not always used during treatment, Allan said.

"Cognitive behavioural therapy, support from a psychologist and nutritional balance can all play a role in treatment.

"When anti-psychotics are prescribed, long-term use is not condoned."

Katherine has a penchant for lists and relies on them to help her get through each day.

"They make me feel accomplished and keep track of things I'd forget."

At the moment the pressures of motherhood leave Katherine with little time for studies, but she hopes to one day complete a degree in psychology or social work.

She also hopes to write a book outlining her experiences with mental illness to help others with similar issues.

"The loneliness you feel with this illness is the worst – I want to help others feel less alone."

Allan said there was a lot of "fear and stigma" around psychosis.

"The more we hide these problems, the more alone we all feel – it's time to tell recovery stories and believe and support our loved ones while they deal with it.

"Don't be afraid of the stigma."

* Katherine is a pseudonym

WHERE TO GET HELP:

Crisis teams around the country: www.health.govt.nz/your-health/services-and-support/health-care-services/mental-health-services/crisis-assessment-teams

Depression helpline 0800 111 757 (free), text 4202, or visit www.depression.org.nz

To speak to a trained counsellor any time, text or call 1737, the Mental Health helpline.

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP)

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Healthline – 0800 611 116

Samaritans – 0800 726 666