PHOTOGRAPH BY JUSTIN SULLIVAN / GETTY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The health-care bill passed by House Republicans earlier this month offers no coverage for injuries suffered as a result of body slamming, according to a report issued on Thursday.

The report, released by the nonpartisan Center for Comprehensive Health Coverage, warns of sharp increases in health-care costs for the nation’s body-slamming sufferers.

Costs associated with body slamming, such as X-rays to the elbow and other injured body parts, would have to be paid for out of pocket under the G.O.P. plan, the report says.

In a separate finding, the report indicates that the Republican health-care bill’s vision-care option does not offer replacement eyewear in the case of glasses being smashed or otherwise demolished in an unprovoked body-slamming incident.

Finally, the report finds, the G.O.P. plan offers no preventive treatment for the severely disturbed people who are the root causes of most body-slamming incidents.

“Medical studies have shown that the costs associated with body-slamming injuries could be greatly reduced by putting the people who cause them in a place where they can do no harm to others,” the report says.