HUDSON, WI—Making engine noises with his mouth as he guided a model bulldozer toward a Hot Wheels racetrack play set, local 5-year-old Dylan Walde was reportedly unaware Wednesday just how many of his toys have been purchased to steer him away from one day adopting a homosexual lifestyle. “Vroom, vroom,” said Walde, completely oblivious to the fact that throughout his life, his parents and extended family members have repeatedly stood in department store toy aisles and actively decided against buying him watercolor paints, a hula hoop, or a kid-sized shopping cart in favor of toys they hope will reinforce a heterosexual male orientation. “Look out for the dump truck!” At press time, Walde had begun to pick out a few notes on his sister’s toy piano before an older relative swiftly confiscated it.

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