Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today made a startling claim in a press conference about his Administration’s efforts to combat the spread of coronavirus.

The following is a long, meandering monologue the President delivered to a visibly stunned White House press corps:

“I just want to take a moment and thank our tremendous doctors,” Trump said. “They’re some of the best doctors of any President ever, and I’m just so thankful I was smart enough to get assistance from some of the biggest, most beautiful hospitals in America. I know great doctors when I see them because I could have been a great doctor. You know the whole spiel: went to Wharton, top of my class, best grades of any student maybe of all time, everyone was talking about what a genius I was. But I could have chosen medicine. I chose business, wrote Art of the Deal, sold thousands of copies, but I could have followed my uncle from MIT and been a great scientist. Maybe one of the best, who knows? Maybe instead of so many tremendous deals and countless beautiful buildings around the world, I could have cured countless diseases. Maybe cancer. I know so much about cancer, maybe more than all these doctors here. A lot of people don’t know this, but there are many kinds of cancers. Different kinds. Some are very bad. Some, not so bad. You can survive. Others, though, some of the worst things you can get. You do not want cancer. So maybe I could have cured it. Wouldn’t that be something? But I built some of the biggest, most beautiful buildings instead. Made a lot of money. Billions and billions. But maybe I could have made more as a doctor, who knows? Can you imagine a Trump Vaccine? It would be the greatest vaccine of all time. Everyone would want a Trump Vaccine. You wouldn’t believe how many diseases the Trump Vaccine would cure! But these doctors behind me are very great, too. But sometimes I think they’re playing it too safe. They want to do all these tests and clinical trials. A lot of people don’t know this, but the FDA doesn’t let you just start selling medicine. They want to make sure it’s safe first. But if you ask me, I’d do it a lot faster. Way faster. They’re taking too long for the cure. Like my cure. I thought up a great cure for the coronavirus. One of the best cures out there. It’s thanks to Diet Coke. I do an enema. I take a squeeze bottle and fill it up with Diet Coke, and then I flush my system down there with the Diet Coke. Or Matt Gaetz does it. I wanted Melania, but she doesn’t like coming anywhere near my room in the White House residence, or me. But Matt is doing a great job. He’s like a son to me. He does it in the morning and at night, sometimes at lunch, too. And he’s gotten really good at it. He squirts that Diet Coke deep into my colon. Sometimes it looks like he’s got his whole fist up there. And it works great. The Diet Coke fizzes really weird in my butt, but it’s effective. It totally cured me from coronavirus because I went to CPAC, and had that meeting with those Brazilians who ended up getting it. But I tested negative. Never got it. Thanks to Coca-Cola and Matt Gaetz.”

The White House press corps just stared until the President invited Dr. Anthony Fauci back to the podium, who reminded America that the FDA had not approved or even started evaluating the claims Trump just made about Diet Coke enemas.

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