Newcastle’s hopes of avoiding relegation have been dealt a cruel blow with the news that record signing Miguel Almiron will be unavailable until December. The Paraguayan suffered a freak injury shortly after his unveiling at St James Park, and has been ruled out until Christmas.

Things

“It was just one of those things,” Newcastle owner Mike Ashley told Soccer on Sunday. “Miguel was signing a few autographs in the carpark, and I’ve accidentally backed the Range Rover over his foot. The lad starts waving and screaming at me in foreign, and I’ve panicked and gone forward over it a second time.”

“Very unlucky for the lad,” added Ashley. “Especially when I swung open the door and clocked him in the head. A concussion was the last thing he needed, to be fair.”

“Did he go down a little easy from the door?” said the billionaire businessman. “That’s not for me to say. We all know these foreign types.”

Disappointed

Rafa Benitez admits that he is disappointed to lose his star signing to injury.

“I fucking hate señor Ashley,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Wouldn’t spend Christmas, as you English say. Then when he finally blows the cobwebs off his wallet and shells out a few spondoolicks, he jumps into his jamjar half-pissed and runs the lad over.”

“We must stick together now,” added the Spaniard. “The players, the staff, the fans. Everyone except that Ashley cunt.”