BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report)—A ten-year European plan to gradually phase out American football in the United States and replace it with soccer is “very much on track,” a spokesman for the European Union confirmed today.

The E.U. spokesman, Alf-Jergen Holmboe, said the replacement of American football with soccer was the third in a three-step plan to transform the U.S. into a European country.

“The first two steps were electing a socialist President and instituting national health care,” he said. “Once soccer replaces football, our work will be done.”

Holmboe said that the E.U. could take no credit for the legalization of gay marriage in the United States, but called it “a very welcome development.” He added, “Once a country has socialism, national health care, and gay marriage, soccer is usually next.”

The spokesman offered no timetable for eliminating baseball, but indicated that it was “in the works.”

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Photograph by Stuart Franklin/FIFA via Getty.