THE HEAVENS—Calling it a careless mistake that was thankfully less serious than it could have been, the Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, admitted Tuesday that He accidentally shot Himself in the thigh while cleaning His Beretta 9 mm semi-automatic pistol. “I was just buffing up the trigger guard when all of a sudden the thing goes off,” said God, chastising Himself for leaving the safety off and forgetting to keep the muzzle pointed away from Him. “I really should have checked to make sure the chamber was empty. Thank goodness it wasn’t my AK or my Mossberg 500 Persuader—then there could have been some real damage.” Our Holy Father added that He anticipated a speedy recovery, vowing that He’d be back out at Heaven’s shooting range as early as tomorrow.

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