ARLINGTON, VA—Telling reporters that they are “done fucking around,” executives from the Public Broadcasting Service announced this morning that they’re busting out the big guns tonight with a full two-hour broadcast of Andrea Bocelli: One Night In Central Park. “It’s time to get nasty,” said PBS president Paula Kerger, noting that the network is “going balls to the wall” with the 2011 concert featuring the widely beloved blind Italian tenor singing a collection of his most popular operatic pieces. “Sometimes, you pussyfoot around like a little fucking pansy with all this Charlie Rose and NewsHour shit, and you just gotta unload your major firepower. And Bocelli live on the Central Park Great Lawn alongside the New York Philharmonic is like 12 sawed-off shotguns blowing your goddamn nuts off.” Kerger added that once Bocelli gets to the bravura aria in “La Donna è Mobile,” it’ll be game fucking over.

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