1. The cheapest case you can possibly buy that’s also kind of cute.

In the reflection you can see this was taken by another iPhone X in a shitty case.

You just bought a $1000 phone; protect it with this thin sheet of plastic for only $7.88 (or whatever price “chongqingqianyingxianhuakeji Co Ltd” is selling it at these days). It will save the edges of your device from nicks and scratches while leaving it completely open to accidents that will cost hundreds of dollars to repair. Plus: it’s pretty cute, right? In an understated way. Doesn’t scream for attention in the same way as those ones with the tassels. How’s it rated? It’s got 5 STARS from three suspiciously empty accounts with generic comments like “I absolutely love it!!!!”

Just follow the link and buy it, dummy. I’ll get up to 78 cents for it when you do.

2. This obsolete technology rebranded as a productivity hack.

Don’t let the wood exterior fool you, this is guaranteed to be poorly assembled by third world labor.

Every grown ass adult should have this…let’s see what I can come up with… here we go, this modestly functional alarm clock. You can’t use the alarm on your phone that’s above-and-beyond more reliable, accurate, and customizable—because you lack even a modicum of self-control to put it on the other side of the room and go to bed. This thing will revolutionize your life, you’ll finally do everything you ever wanted, and it only costs $14.99.

Even if you don’t buy it, just click the link and I’ll still get a kickback when you get distracted and start browsing the site for other shit.

3. As previously seen on TV.

Why have a colander when you can have a this molded plastic that will fit to some of your pots and pans and then a colander for everything else?

You grew up laughing at those low-budget infomercials selling cheap, over-designed products. But now that they’re advertised on your go-to shopping network and promoted through a format you respond, to it’s starting to seem more sensible to have a separate device for every conceivable kitchen task.

Seriously if you buy anything from them within 24 hours of clicking it I’ll get a cut of whatever it is.

4. A novelty ice cube tray because why not?

The Tennessee cube is going to be a useless sliver, just like Tennessee.

Fill up all that pesky usable space in your freezer with this inefficiently designed yet silly ice cube tray you can use once for a theme party or add a little levity to that second drink on the rocks after a long day.

5. An absurd multitool that will do everything while fitting in your wallet.

Camus would definitely use this as a metaphor for the futility of existential meaning were this around in his time.

Look at this shit. It’s got a tiny ruler for all your measuring needs under 5 centimeters, a fork for looking like a maniac, a serrated knife the size of your pinky nail for undertaking nightmarish and/or sisyphean tasks, an awkward screwdriver, a bottle opener to give you at least one excuse to use this in front of other people, and some other crevices that a craftsperson might find useful in a pinch but you’ll never remember what it’s for.

6. This low investment in a bold fashion choice.

Get dollar-store bin sunglasses directly to your door for only $5.99.

Mix things up and take a chance with something cheap enough you’ll feel okay about it when wear it once and then throw it in a dark corner of your closet after you find you can’t quite pull it off.

Here’s the link a couple more times. Maybe you’ll click it by mistake.

7. Ordinary office supplies with a cuteness premium.

These products are like the lead in the ancient Roman’s water supply.

Just an everyday eraser that costs a few bucks more for the sake of looking cute. Don’t think about the carbon footprint of that unrecyclable plastic or the oil used in transportation. Just buy one whenever you’re at your job questioning your life choices.

8. A flash in the pan pop culture keychain.

Buy it before the movie is released to make sure you get it before it’s sold out. Not because the movie is terrible and they’re trying to dump the merchandise.

Have you ever grabbed your keyring with your apartment key, apartment building key, mailbox key, car fob, parents’ house key, bike lock key, that one rewards card, a usb stick you saw on another list, etc. and thought it didn’t quite have enough heft or bulk to it? Well, it’s your lucky day. Impulse buy something from that movie that looks pretty cool from the trailers.

9. This gift no one actually wants.

It’s a ball in a maze. Your nephew will love it after he opens six video games.

This has a neat design, seems quirky, shows you’ve put a little more thought into it than a gift card without actually having to know the person or spending much money. Is it essentially a modern spin on the little tabletop ball-in-hole games that were boring twenty years ago even before we had relatively powerful computers with movies, television, video games, and all manner of other media in our pockets? Yes, but buy it for someone else and they’ll smile and thank you all the same.

10. The worst Bluetooth speakers money can buy.

Comes with impressive functionality like volume buttons.

Once upon a time Bluetooth was a feature of high end stereos and new cars, but now it’s cheap enough for you to impulse buy with only a fleeting sting of regret that’ll dissipate once you tell yourself, “Well it was only $15”. If you’re willing to sacrifice sound qualify, battery life, and user experience you can get this tiny speaker and tell yourself you’ll take it to the beach one day or host intimate backyard get togethers.

11. These sort-of funny socks.

“Heh, nice socks,” your friends will say once.

For 14-year-olds desperate to define themselves and 30-somethings trying to treat chronic depression with a little whimsy and spontaneity. Back in the day you’d find them at Spencer Gifts, which I’m told is somehow still a thing. I’m really digging at the bottom of the barrel here to fill out this list of a predetermined length, but the more links the better, right?

12. Whatever the hell this is.

Seriously, what?

You put these on your hands, and there’s lights maybe so you can…flash them in the eyes of your attacker while you fight them off? This is my last chance so click the link to find out what this enigmatic thing is. I’m certainly not going to waste my time and evaluate the value of these products. Just click the link.

Click it.

Do it.

I need to make money here.