Facebook via Vice – So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, “can I get some mayo?”

…

I look at her, she’s looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I’m waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: “You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?”

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: “N-no it doesn’t, I get mayo every time, are you sure?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, mayo has egg whites in it.”

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl’s world.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: “Would you like the mayo on it ma’am?”

V: “Sure, go ahead.”

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: “Thank you for coming, have a nice day!”

She just looked at me, sighed, “yea, I’ll try” and walked out.

And that’s the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

Annnd … scene. I don’t know when I’ve ever read a more dramatic treatment of a story in my life. It belongs in an M. Night Shamalayan movie. From back when he still had talent. I try to imagine her face when the writer dropped that 50 megaton truth bomb on her whole world and I can’t help but picture Bruce Willis (spoiler) when he finds out he’s been dead all along. It’s like she went through the whole Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief from “Denial” all the way to “Acceptance” with lightning-round speed.

One minute you’re in Subway, happily dictating the purity of your worldview on the Sandwich Artist, the next you find out you’re really a genocidal maniac, responsible for the deaths of countless unfertilized chicken ova. With their egg white on your hands. I can’t imagine what that had to be like for this walking, sentient kale salad. There probably isn’t enough Chai tea or Feist songs in the world to bring you back from a shock to the system like that. I wonder how many hours she had to spend clutching her support chihuahua as she tried to pick up the emotional pieces. Unless she just gave up altogether and ate the damned thing. Because pnce you’ve eaten mayonnaise, you’ve lost the moral high ground and you’re not getting it back. So you might as well just go full Hannibal Lecter on everyone.

I would ridicule our canvas-sneaker-clad Poison Ivy here for not knowing where mayo comes from. (Seriously, did she think it’s mined? Pumped out of the ground? Squeezed from mayonnaise fruits?) But I won’t. Because I admire her too much for her courage. I can’t be easy in-the-moment to admit that whatever moral stand you took before, it can’t hold up against the reality that mayo is delicious and not worth worrying about the lives of unborn chickens. Hopefully she realized it’s best served on a nice roast beef and cut the crap with veganism altogether. Thank you, Subway Sandwich Artist for posting this epic tale. You’ve made the world a slightly better place.