Dear Liz,

I read your columns religiously. Thank you for your advice and humor, not to mention the artwork!

I'm a gay man, 32 years old. My partner Brett and I moved across country in 2013 to be closer to our families. Brett got a Marketing job here right away and he loves it.

It took me about two months to find a job and I guess I jumped at my first job offer. I'm Assistant Controller in an insurance firm. I've been there for six months. The people I work with are nice and the work is okay, but I have a social-slash-business issue I could use your help with.

Our new state has marriage equality and Brett proposed to me three weeks ago. We are beyond excited about our upcoming wedding, but I'm in the closet at work. I've 32 and I've been out for ten years. I haven't been closeted at work since I was a kid, but something about my new job tells me "Keep it to yourself." The people are friendly like I said, but it's a conservative place and my gut tells me to button my lip. That's hard.

I want to share my personal life with my co-workers the way they do with me and one another. I don't have any reason to think there would be repercussions if I spilled the beans, but whereas at my last job I could tell within two days that my sexuality would be a huge non-issue (which it was) I don't get that feeling here. So, I stay quiet.

Now I'm getting married. I need time off. Do I tell my boss I'm getting married? Do I invite him to the wedding? What do I tell HR? If I come out to these people later will it be weird that I didn't say anything about the wedding? I'm conflicted and I trust your advice. Also, Brett and I hope you can come to our wedding and sing "Ave Maria." Please say yes!

Thanks Liz,

Peter

Dear Peter,

Congratulations to you and Brett on your move and your wedding! I am so happy for you. There is a reason for everything, and it may be that the reason you took the insurance job was to remind yourself that once you step out of a closet, there's no good reason to go back in.

You have already consulted with a far wiser adviser than me, and that's your trusty gut. You grew up as a gay man in America, Peter -- your instincts are as sharp as they can be. You know what's safe and what isn't, and if you haven't felt comfortable sharing your story with even one of your co-workers in six months, then your gut has spoken.





Tell your boss and the HR person you need vacation time for a family gathering. Plan your wedding for you, Brett, your family and your friends. Don't let any other energy intrude on your preparations apart from "I love Brett and Brett loves me, and our wedding will reflect that."

If your workmates hear your love story later and are miffed that they didn't get to join you in the festivities, that's a sign to them from the universe that they could be more warm and more human at work.

If you had felt comfortable bringing the whole Peter to work with you at any point, it would have happened already.

Don't worry about the business/social issue. It's in your mind. Well-brought-up people never ask "Why didn't you invite me?" and if anyone should, you'll say politely-but-perplexedly "Why on earth would you ask me that?"

The question that jumps out of your story is "How much would someone have to pay you to go to work disguised as someone who's not you?" There is no salary level and no Assistant Controller role that would justify that trade. Have a beautiful wedding Peter, and when you get back from your honeymoon rev the job-search engine up.

You've got six good months of work experience under your belt in your new home state, and when interviewers ask you "Why are you looking?" you can say "I took that job on my arrival to this area and I've made a worthy contribution there, but it isn't really my cup of tea. I'm looking for something different."

Don't ever go back in the closet again, Peter. You are too strong and wonderful out of it to hide your gifts from the world, and we need the full-strength Peter, not the straight-acting version of you or the Business Peter who has no personal life at all. We need all of you and everyone else who goes to work.

If you want to throw an easy litmus test into your interview process, mention Brett and the wedding early in the interview process. If people don't get you, they don't deserve you, and you've earned the right to bring yourself to work completely, husband and all.

We all have closets to step out of, Peter. That's not just a gay thing. Most of us hide part of ourselves away at work out of fear that somebody won't like who we really are. I did it for years.

I stayed in half-apologetic mode for having a musical background instead of a business one. I didn't realize that my music was just what my employers needed! We hide and obscure things all the time in a bid to become more acceptable to people we think are powerful. We forget how much power we bring, ourselves. We forget that it's our human spark and wit and warmth that makes any organization run.

Six months in You Don't Know Me land is a long sentence. Find your next job in Here's the Real Me land and never cross that dreaded border again, Peter.

Thank you for your kind invitation to the wedding! Do you mean the Schubert "Ave Maria" or the Gounod version? Both of them are beautiful, and I know your big day will be beautiful too. Congratulations on stepping into your new life, at work and at home!

Best,

Liz

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