Self-Checkout Machines Now Programmed To Make Awkward Small Talk About Your Purchases

U.S.—A new line of upgraded self-checkout machines will make awkward small talk with you about your purchases.

Many Americans have gotten behind the idea of self-checkout machines since they often seem to be faster than waiting in a long line for a human cashier. But people were complaining that the machines did not behave enough like real people. So, programmers have upgraded them with the capability of making weird, inappropriate comments about everything you buy.

"That's a lot of cheese you're buying. Do you like cheese?" one machine said as a guy bought a few blocks of cheddar cheese. "Cheese gives me terrible constipation," the machine continued, ignoring all the obvious social cues that it probably shouldn't be talking about the stuff the guy was purchasing, as it was programmed to do. "Last time I had cheese I was backed up for weeks."

Another machine went on and on about the special dry skin cream a woman was purchasing, asking her if she has dry skin and telling her about this weird growth on his neck.

The machines are programmed to single out private, potentially embarrassing purchases like toiletries, hygiene products, and medicine and specifically talk about those. They will do so very loudly as well so that everyone in line can hear. Finally, the machines will begin yelling at you if you make a single mistake while checking out, shouting, "HEY, THERE'S AN UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA, WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON!?" before emitting a loud siren so everyone in the store knows you don't know how to work the machine.

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