WASHINGTON—Saying the deadly mishap had no impact whatsoever on mortality rates in any demographic, a new Pew Research Center study released Tuesday found that zero percent of people die from getting their fingers lodged in a bowling ball and being dragged down the lane. “Our sample of 10,000 Americans found that on average, zero out of 100 people die from getting their fingers stuck in a bowling ball, being yanked onto the lane when they throw their arm forward, and launching headfirst into the pins,” said researcher Sarah Wheatman, noting that skull fractures and other head traumas resulting from such collisions were found on not a single occasion. “As no one has been carried the length of their lane into the pins by the momentum of their bowling ball, it is also necessarily true that not a single person left a 7-10 split after doing so. Our study also confirms that 0 percent of deaths resulted in the person’s body being cleared from the bowling lane by the sweeper before the pins were reset.” Wheatman went on to say, however, that approximately 50 percent of individuals suffer bruises and other minor injuries after their bowling ball pulls them halfway down the lane.

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