Bad Movie Tuesday: My Favorite Bad Action Movie Characters

I love bad movies. They have personality, charm and wonderfully off kilter characters. They are the products of delusion, laziness, ego and earnestness. To be a memorable bad movie character you have to rise above or below the material. The memorable performances are rarely decent. Think Nic Cage in The Wicker Man or Chris Klein from Street Fighter. They either realized the movie was terrible and had some fun or committed too much and went full crazy.

Here is my list for favorite characters in bad action films.

1. Dolph Lundgren – Command Performance

Why is Dolph at the top of the list? Well, he directed and starred in this movie about a biker/drummer/badass who kills many men and woos a beautiful twenty year old. While other directors are busy looking for Oscars Dolph was only concerned with looking awesome and playing some music. He is like the Dalton (Roadhouse) of Nu-Metal because everybody wants a piece of him.

I love that Dolph posed for these pictures. Check out the hair, tats, gun, leather pants, explosions and drum sticks.

Command Performance is a wonderfully insane film in which Dolph kills many bad guys and is in a Nu-Metal band called Cheap Mother F***kers (CMF). I love the film because it is an excuse for Dolph to kick ass and kick ass he does.

2. Nicolas Cage – Next

Boredom acting at its best. Time travel, falling logs and a readily available Jessica Biel are not enough to lure Cage out of his boredom. Add Julianne Moore as an FBI(?) agent who wears a funny hat and you have the two most quizzical A-list performances in years. Take a look at the pics below and you will notice a Cage trend that has persisted through the years.

Wearing a sweet leather jacket – Bored

A tryst with Biel – Bored

Eye torture – Bored

Looking at sweet watch – Bored

Getting some cuddles – Bored

Driving in the rain – Bored

I love Nicolas Cage as an actor. He had turned in some wonderful performances and his top five films could compete against any other actor. Sadly, his Next performance won’t be on that list.

3. Nicolas Cage – The Wicker Man

The polar opposite of Next. The Wicker Man is the gold standard of “Cage freak out.” The Oscar winner went full tilt boogie in this adaptation and it has become a beloved oddity of awesomeness. I love how Cage runs around the island and has to deal with copious amounts of people who won’t give him a straight answer.

As Cage becomes increasingly nutso he starts spouting lines like:

1. “I’m only interested in the law, sister. So if you wackos are murdering….”

2. “you have my permission to stay out the f&$^ing way.”

3. “I’m here bouncing around in circles and nobody is helping!”

4. “Take off your stupid mask!”

In the end, Nic Cage is burned alive and several women have raging headaches. The Wicker Man is about one man’s journey to wear a bear suit. Forget Gulliver and Odysseus Nic Cage’s trip is much more interesting.

Watch these clips. They are NSFW due to excessive swearing, yelling and sidekicks.

Fear the beat suit!

4. Stephen Baldwin – Shark’s in Venice

In the pic above he literally says “look at those thingies.”

Sharks in Venice might be my favorite bad movie. it is full of hilarious moments and jogging doubles. Stephen Baldwin phoned in his role of a teacher who makes his class read chapter four on repeat. Shark’s in Venice is brilliant because of the shoe horned sharks and the truly bonkers performance Baldwin turned in. For instance, when walking with his girlfriend he explains the scenery like this:

“look at these thingies”

“you like these thingies”

“Look at that thing”

Baldwin also unleashes the epic line “I can’t talk. I’m bleeding.” Watch this clip to watch Baldwin push things and use a jogging double. It is brilliant.

Jogging double!

5. Nash- Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li

Chris Klein went next level on bonkers on Street Fighter. His Nash character is a marvel of odd acting choices and intense dialogue delivery. I’ve never seen anything like it. I could watch this clip for days.

His tire inspection is very thorough

“This guy walks through the raindrops. You don’t want to take it to this dance detective.”

Poor Moon Bloodgood

Street Fighter is a terribly boring fight film that was illuminated by Klein’s performance. Was he in on the joke? Did you know that he improvised the “Nash out” line? IO9 answered the question if this movie was watchable:

“Should you go see Street Fighter: The Legend Of Chun-Li? Yes – but very, very, very drunk, and only for Klein, , people will be dressing up like Nash for Halloween. God help me, it was awful and I loved it. I loved it so much, I was clapping my hands and holding my sides whenever he appeared on screen. Chris Klein is this movie’s saving grace.”

You gotta see Nash in action!

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