Trevor Noah’s big takeaway from the story that a Trump Tower doorman was paid off by the National Enquirer to keep quiet about a possible love-child Donald Trump fathered with an employee in the 1980s? “This guy fucks.”

“Trump might have a secret kid?” The Daily Show host asked, excitedly, Thursday night. “I bet everyone who doesn’t know their father right now is panicking.” He imagined thirtysomethings calling up their mothers and saying, “Tell me it wasn’t him, mom, tell me it wasn’t him.”

“Every week we seem to find out that someone was given money to keep quiet about one of Trump’s affairs,” Noah continued. “At this point, it’s like his dong has its own economy. And like a GDP—gross domestic penis.”

Noah listed off all of the various people getting paid to keep Trump’s sex life under wraps: “Doormen, porn stars, lawyers.”

“At this point, I’m worried that if Trump stops cheating on Melania, the stock market will crash,” he said. “It’s going to be another recession.” As for whether these payoffs “constitute illegal campaign contributions,” Noah says there is “a bigger story here.”

“You realize that if you were born in the 1980s, you might be Donald Trump’s child,” the host said. “Yeah. You could be in line to inherit billions of dollars… in debt.”