With precious few leaks coming from Team LeBron, the Internet is forced to sleuth for possible signs that foretell the Decision 2.0.

Sometimes that leads to frivolous absurdities, such as people tracking the flights of Dan Gilbert’s private plane or seeing moving trucks outside LeBron’s Florida estate and drawing the erroneous connection that he’s leaving town. Other times, it leads to utter and complete absurdities, like looking at the official Twitter account of LeBronJames.com and noticing that its two most recent follows are Ohio.com and The Akron Beacon-Journal, then automatically assuming this is a sign LeBron is going back to Cleveland. That’s what happened on Thursday, when Eli Langer of CNBC noticed this and set the Internet abuzz:

Note that this isn’t LeBron’s official Twitter page, but the official Twitter page of LeBron’s website. (That’s how you know you’re big time. Not only do you have a Twitter account, but your website has one too.) It’s all run by his team, however, so there’s something to this, and I think it’s one of these three things: Either Team LeBron is absolutely oblivious (the follows were a coincidence and no one thought anything of the timing), terrible at managing their message (he’s going back to Cleveland and they’ve accidentally tipped their hand early) or fantastically awesome at everything (troll-lo-lo-lo). There’s no in between.

But we figured we’d take the bait and assume that everything tied to LeBron’s website’s Twitter account is a clue as to where he’s going. As such, here’s a list of assumptions that can be made by looking at some of the people and things @teamlebron follows on Twitter.

He’s going to the Chicago Bulls.

He’s joining James Harden in Houston.

He’s taking over Luis Suarez’s role with Liverpool, minus the biting.

He’s going back to play for his high school team.

He’s pulling a Michael Jordan and retiring from the NBA to play golf for the European Ryder Cup team.

He’s giving back to the community by becoming second-grade teacher, Mr. King James.

He’s quitting basketball to go back in time and campaign for John McCain’s 2008 presidential bid.

#TrueDetectiveSeason2

He’s going to Bristol to take back his throne from Scott Van Pelt

Sorry Cleveland, it’s all been a ruse. LeBron James is staying in Miami.

In other words, if you want to have fun, but gain no insight whatsoever, then read into everything. If you actually want to know where he’s going, kick back, follow USA TODAY Sports’ NBA writers @sam_amick and @jeffzillgitt on Twitter, then wait for LeBron to bestow his latest decision upon the world.