Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — Clippers guard JJ Redick reportedly signed a lucrative one year contract with the 76ers to ask young players to turn down their loud music. Mr. Redick, entering his 12th professional season, will be responsible for enduring loud music from the team’s standout rookies, and impolitely requesting that they keep it down and show some respect to their elders.

The 76ers’ President of Basketball Operations, Bryan Colangelo, added that Redick would ideally be responsible for all irritability for the Sixers’ ascendant team. “We’ve found in JJ someone that can space the floor, shoot the 3, and remain incredulous at kids these days.”