The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people. People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought. The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem. They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them. They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity. If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity. If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

Four signs that you are RE-acting rather than acting:

When someone does something you don’t like, you immediately get upset, flustered, or annoyed and respond in a split second to their behavior. Typically your response involves intensity and some type of anger.

Loved ones, friends, helpers etc., have tried to discuss or call you on your reactivity in some way (i.e. “Calm down”, “You don’t need to get so upset”)

You think that when someone screws up, you have the right to yell at them or loudly defend yourself; after-all, it was their screw up right?

You find yourself reacting in the moment and then regretting it later…or paying for it later.

When you’re re-acting to a situation you’re not taking care of your own best interests. Reacting is a reflexive move that takes no thought. You cannot make healthy decisions if you’re not thinking! The more you slow down your reaction and turn it into an action, the better your life will be…for you and for those around you.

Here are some tips to slow down the intensity and the reaction:

First off…PAUSE. Put a pause button on your reactions by first just noticing what’s going on and doing NOTHING. Just pause. Next, take a deep breath…slowly. In fact, take two or three slow deep breaths to help calm you down. Keep your mouth closed. Do not speak until you have paused, taken a few deep breaths, and can feel yourself calming down. Decide what you need to do: do you need to make a request, set a limit, share your experience, or take a time out? Decide which it is and get clear about what you’re asking for before you speak. When you do speak…SOFTEN your voice and speak SLOWLY. When you force yourself to lower your voice it often settles you down and makes it easier for the other person to listen. Speaking slowly has the same effect and it keeps you conscious of what you’re doing so you can make better decisions. Be determined to take contempt out of your voice and your actions. You have no right to be contemptuous of others since you too can make mistakes. Be humble and stop freaking out on others because you think you have that right…you don’t. Be proud of yourself every time you are able to act in a respectful, calm way instead of reacting and being hurtful.

Once you stop giving yourself permission to just be reactive to everyone and everything, you give yourself a chance to calmly take action. This will lead to huge changes in your relationships if you truly work it. People don’t like being around others who are constantly triggered and uncontained. You’ll enjoy being around yourself more as well.