ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The faceless men and women behind the invention of Australia’s favourite blackout juice have come clean today, saying they too were on the sauce when they came up with the idea of making a super-alcoholic beer.

Speaking today from their Lidcombe headquarters in Sydney’s great south-west, the two senior executives who let Tooheys Extra Dry Platinums loose on the unsuspecting Australian public fronted the media and apologised.

“We were both very pissed when we thought adding more alcohol to arguably our worst product was a good idea,” said Dayle Genk, the then lead product development executive.

“Then, we also thought it’d be a fantastic idea to sell them by the 8-pack and market them towards young male drinkers who were already having trouble handling the amount of alcohol in vanilla Extra Drys,”

“On behalf of Tooheys, we’d like to apologise to everyone that was affected by our reckless and somewhat inappropriate choice to create such a product. From the young men who drank eight in under an hour, collapsed in the middle of the party and shit their pants to the mothers who had to wash their soiled underpants. We are sorry.”

It is understood by The Advocate that at the time of print, the wider Australian public has said they forgive Tooheys for subjecting the nation to their products for generations and have since moved on.

More to come.