Athletico Mince is the best podcast you probably haven’t heard of. Starring Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson, it comes with a cast-iron guarantee of at least 8 per cent football, but don’t let that put you off. GQ joined Honky-Tonk and Ronnie Hotdog for a chat about hot sweets, sweaty tits, Yaya Toure’s 'hand madam', Crime Club lite, Steve McLaren’s hair island and the real reason Jack Wilshere left Arsenal. Intriguing, innit?

GQ: How are you enjoying the podcasts? Bob: “Andy always has a smile on his face afterwards, but I am always full of doubts. When it’s just us sitting around chatting and talking shite, I often come away thinking: ‘What the fuck was that all about?’ But there you go.”

How did you two get together? Bob: “We actually met on Twitter. I follow a few people, and I would always have a laugh with Andy. Then I think he came along to see a recording of House Of Fools up in Manchester, we met up for a drink after and came up with the idea of doing something.”

And the rest, as they say… Bob: “Exactly. And it’s a lovely thing to do because so much of what I do these days, there is always someone on your back, trying to influence and control what you are doing. You find yourself having to second guess what audiences want and how to appeal to different people, but with the podcast that is all gone. We are just completely liberated to do and say what we want. It’s brilliant!” Andy: “That’s the thing: we have 100 per cent creative control over it. We just sit down and talk shite for thirty-odd minutes, we put it out and people seem to like it.”

Are you surprised at how popular it has become? Bob: “I am really surprised! To be honest, I have been completely gobsmacked by it. I remember when we first started, I was tentatively asking how many people had listened to it…” Andy: “You said you’d be happy if we had 500 listeners for the first one.” Bob: “I did. I thought it would be great if we had a solid 500, or a 1,000.” Andy: “And the first one got 15,000. But it feels like it’s snowballing now. The one we did two weeks ago got 140,000 listeners.”

And what else would you be doing if you weren’t doing Athletico Mince? You’d just be sitting about, wouldn’t you? Bob: “Yeah, I’d be watching the telly. Specifically, I’d be watching crime TV.” Andy: “The podcast gets him out of the house, really. It’s like a care-in-the-community kind of thing.”

**Crime TV? I thought Bob’s Crime Club was only in the evenings? Bob: **“Ahh… we’ll you’ll have to listen to the latest podcast to find out about that.” Andy: “Yes, there have been ‘developments’, shall we say.”

How are you health-wise Bob? Bob: “I’m very well, thank-you. I feel like a new man [after a triple by-pass earlier this year]. But to go back to my Crime Club for a minute, I’d like to state for the record right now that the club is a great success. It really is superbly crafted and well-run. And to be honest, it needed to expand. In some ways, it is like a caged tiger sort of thing. And so I’ve found another slot for it between 4 and 6 o’clock, a late-afternoon spot. I think that’s the perfect time for ‘light crime’.”

**Light crime… would that be Miss Marple and that kind of thing? Bob: **“No, No. It’s all pretty serious shit. I did a late afternoon one yesterday and it was a documentary about a fella who murdered his victims with door handles. I thought that was more afternoon-friendly. It hasn’t got knives or sharp blades, or anything like that. And it seemed to go down very well with the wife.”

Does Mrs Mortimer not like the gory stuff, then? Bob: “Oh no, she doesn’t mind that. To be honest, we’re both right up to the hilt in our crime, however it comes. I mean, there was a time where we wouldn’t go beyond Bundy bending over his victim and pulling a cosh out of his plaster cast, but now we’ll investigate almost anything. Do you know that American serial killer who filmed his victims being tortured? Well, that wouldn’t really be suitable for afternoons.”

Does all this late night murdering TV not give you nightmares? Bob: “I don’t think so… because usually, almost all the time really, the show finishes and they have caught the killer. There is a very satisfactory narrative in which they detail the crime, what has taken place, the capture of said villain and the subsequent revenge from society in the form of, for example, electrocution… death by lethal injection, hanging, or imprisonment for life.” Andy: “Do you and the wife ever do that thing that Nick Ross used to do at the end of Crimewatch when he would say to the viewers: ‘Don’t have nightmares.’ And that would negate the possibility of suffering bad dreams. Do you and the wife say that to each other?” Bob: “We do, and then we kiss each other goodnight…”

Have you been invited along to the Crime Club yet Andy? I know in the past you have made the point that you don’t actually give a shit about it… Andy: “No, I don’t. There have, however, been tentative negotiations about me attending one, but at the moment there are a number of stipulations that have been mentioned that I am not prepared to go along with. I am also not prepared to go into detail about what those stipulations are.”

Fair enough. The obvious question for you Bob, is what snacks you serve at Crime Club? Bob: “We have sweeties… we have a bowl of sweets between us.”

Ah, interesting. Because I asked Matt Lucas if he had a question for you Bob, and he wanted to know what you eat these days now that you are no longer allowed to eat sweeties on account of your heart condition? Bob: “Well, I can actually have sugar. What I can’t have is fats. Matt’s right, there are quite a lot of fats in some sweets. For example, I wouldn’t have a toffee, yeah, because they are full of saturated fats. I wouldn’t have a Liquorice Allsort because there is quite a lot of fat in them. But if I am at my Crime Club with a knife in one hand, don’t try and take my Barley Sugar Twists, or my Lemon Sherbets. Just leave ‘em be, yeah.”

**But presumably you wouldn’t have any of Andy’s preferred treats which would be anything that had come out of the fat-fryer? Andy: **“You mean the Air Fryer. Actually, the Air Fryer is incredibly healthy. It is not a deep-fat fryer. There is very little oil involvement with the Air Fryer… you put maybe half a tablespoon of vegetable oil into a bowl of chipped potatoes, and that is the only oil you use in the creation of chips.”

Am I right in thinking though that the Chicken Dippers you like, even though they have been air fried, are not the healthiest of meats? Andy: “They’re fucking shit, them. They are horrible.”

**Presumably you couldn’t put a sweet in the Air Fryer? Andy: **“You can put anything in an Air Fryer, mate.” Bob: “Hot sweets. Hmmm… I’ll tell you what might work – an Everton Mint. Do you remember the Everton Mint? The Everton Mint might be nice gently warmed, because it’s got that little bit of toffee in the middle. That might work… Andy: “Of course, I tried to dry a sock in the Air Fryer once, didn’t I?”

Wouldn’t the danger be, with the Everton Mint specifically, that you might overheat it? If you took the temperature too high with the interior… Bob: “Exactly!”

That’s an accident waiting to happen, isn’t it? Bob: “Yes, and of course sugar has a very high boiling point, so you could get a terrible burn off an Everton Mint.” Andy: “You’d have to keep pulling it out every ten seconds to keep an eye on it.” Bob: “Does the Air Fryer not have a thermometer that could give you guidance on the heat?” Andy: “Well, you can set the level you want to heat it to.” Bob: “Oh, so could you set the level to ‘Melt Sweet’?” Andy: “No, you couldn’t do that. It says ‘140 degrees’ or whatever. You just have to trust the Air Fryer.” **Bob: **“Can I just say, I’m actually quite happy with cold sweets.”

Well, he’s not accepted your invite to Crime Club, so he won’t be bringing the Air Fryer round anyway, so it’s not a problem. Andy: “I refer you to the previous question about stipulations that I refuse to meet.” Bob: “I’ve had two visitors to the Crime Club. One is the alderman, my friend from Stockton-on-Tees.”

**The dirty alderman? Bob: **“Well, some say dirty, some say sexy. He came round for an afternoon Crime Club. I’ve also had… do you know Aaron Lennon, the flying winger?”

Now with Everton. Bob: “Now with Everton. He came to one of my evening ones when the wife wasn’t there. And he enjoyed it very much.”

How did Aaron Lennon get the invite? Bob: “Oh, that’s a very long story and I won’t tell you about it now because I know you won’t have time. But suffice it to say we met in a police station. It’s intriguing, innit?”

Very. I wanted to know if the success of the podcast had impacted on your opportunities for meeting famous footballers? Bob: "To be honest, I’m a bit funny about that because I go to all the Middlesbrough matches, and if I want to I can go into the hospitality suite and meet the players, but I don’t really like that sort of thing. I like the footballers to be on a pedestal… I want them to stay special. Having said that, I met Aitor Karanka the ‘Boro manager in the summer during pre-season in Spain. And I did have a night in a bar with Aitor and it was absolutely fascinating. I wish it could have gone on forever and ever. But the truth is I go to the football the same now as I have always done since the age of 7. I go into the South stand, the singing stand, watch the game then just go home.”

So you don’t get as much gossip as you used to? Bob: “Well, I shouldn’t really tell you this, but I was creeping around the Riverside stadium last week when we were playing Bournemouth, and I came across an altercation between Eddie Howe and Jack Wilshere. And it’s really sad what’s happened, actually, because the truth is that Jack was forced out of Arsenal by Theo Walcott’s gang. Yeah, they were picking on him, putting dog tod in his car and calling him horrible names, and stuff.”

So that’s why he left? Bob: “Yeah, but don’t tell anyone.”

I’m a Manchester United fan… Bob: “Oh shit! You were fucking awful the other night [United lost 2-1 to Fenerbache]! I’m not being nasty and I have watched Manchester United since the power-cut years, when Alex Stepney was in goal, and Bobby Charlton was still playing. I saw the team that were relegated in 1974, and the current team are the worst set of players I have ever seen playing for Man United.”

Thanks Bob. Bob: “I don’t say that with any pleasure. But they were terrible.”

Do you think it’s down to Jose Mourinho? Bob: “I don’t know, but he does look like a sulky, stroppy bloke at the moment, doesn’t he? If these players that are getting paid £200,000 a week don’t like you, there is very little motivation to do well, is there?” Andy: “I don’t want to draw too many comparisons, but I think the Manchester United situation and the Sunderland situation are very much the same in the sense that you are changing your manager around every 12 months, or two years, or what have you. There’s no continuity.”

Are you blaming David Moyes, Andy? Andy: “No, I’m blaming the fact that David Moyes was sacked. I think if you’d have kept David Moyes, you’d be in a lot better position than you are now, and also he wouldn’t be fucking my club up.”

I know United aren’t great just now, but there really are no redeeming features for Sunderland at the moment, are there? Andy: “We are on a mission to explore just how bad a Premier League football team can be. We’ve had a couple of goes at it before… we’ve had a 19-point season, a 15-point season, but we’re going for single figures this time and I think we’re going to fucking do it.” Bob: “The record’s 11 isn’t it?” **Andy: **“Yeah, that was Derby County. If we get to nine I will consider this season a failure. I will accept nothing more than six.”

You’ve talked a lot about football in this interview… more than you do in the podcast normally. Andy: “Good point.” Bob: “we both do really like football and we talk about football a lot, but we found out when we did the first podcast that our listeners don’t really want to know what we think about Yaya Toure’s rare skills, or whatever. So we just try to chat more about the things football people like to chat about, but when they’re in the pub rather than on the way to a match.”

Have you had any feedback from anyone that you mention in the show? Anything from Steve McClaren, Mark Lawrenson, Rafa Benitez? Andy: “We haven’t, but I would be absolutely stunned if someone hasn’t mentioned it to Steve McClaren at some point. I’d just love to have seen his face when someone told him about it, how he lives with a yellow snake and spews up all the time, lives with a fat lass and eats beans on toast the whole time.”

What about Steve’s clown car… is he keeping that now that he’s joined Derby Country? Bob: “Well, where we left Steve is that he’s got the Derby County job because of his love of carpets, and his clown car was parked outside. So being literal about it, he does still have the clown car. And don’t forget, the Fat Lass has got the Hyundai, so he does need to get about.”

And what about his ‘hair island’? Bob: “I must admit, when I started singing about Steve’s hair island, I did feel bad. Because although we all know that he doesn’t really have a clown car, and he doesn’t live with a fat lass who he cleans with a dirty dish cloth, but he does have a hair island.”

Bob, what are your thoughts on hair islands? Because you don’t have the most hair in the world, do you? Bob: “To be honest with you, I’d bloody love a hair island. I am far worse than Steve McClaren in the hair stakes, so I think that means I’m allowed to make jokes about it. It’s a bit like if you are disabled, you are allowed to mock the disabled. So as I am follicly challenged, I’m allowed to have a laugh with Steve.” **Andy: **“Perhaps we could do a podcast next time the Paralympics comes on and then we could establish exactly what the mockery barriers are.”

Presumably, by that rationale Andy, you could take the mickey out of people with massive sweaty tits? Bob: “Good one!” Andy: “Yeah… I suppose I could. Do you mean like, Samantha Fox?”

Well, I don’t really know how sweaty Sam’s tits are… Andy: “Yeah, that’s right. We’re on dodgy ground ‘cos we don’t know how sweaty they are.”

Are there any footballers you haven’t met that you would like to? Bob: “I’d love to meet Yaya Toure because I’ve heard he has really go into… are they called sewing bees? Because, do you know the George Foreman Grill, that made George Foreman loads of money? Well, Yaya and his friend from Sierra Leone, have invented a really simple sewing machine. And they want to encourage people to start sewing, just when they are sat in front of the TV, or whatever. The idea is to make sewing cool, for men. He’s launching it quite soon.” Andy: “Yeah, you might find out more about it on Athletico Mince in the coming weeks.” Bob: “It’s called ‘The Hand Madam’ and it really is a terrific product.”

The obvious question, Bob, is how does Jim [Moir, aka Vic Reeves] feel about you seeing Andy on the side, as it were? Bob: “Oh, he doesn’t mind. The thing about Jim is that he hates football and always has. This is going back years, but whenever I have suggested a football-based character, or a football topic into our show, Jim would never say ‘no’ – bless him! – but he just wasn’t interested. So he always knew I wanted to do something football related. And after I had my heart operation, I said to myself that I was going to do some of the things I had always wanted to do. And one of those was a football show, either on the radio or TV…” Andy: “We did talk about doing something on radio, but a podcast just seemed like the easiest and best way to get it going.”

**Do you allow all your staff to listen to the podcast, Bob? Bob: **“I don’t have any staff.” Andy: “He doesn’t let them listen to it. He doesn’t even let them have access to a radio.” **Bob: **“I went away to a posh hotel for my wedding anniversary last week, and it was so posh that when you arrived they said: ‘Hello. Here’s your chef. We don’t have any menus, you can just ask the chef to make you anything you want. Just press this button and the chef will answer, blah blah blah.’ And I just wanted to get into the nearest Trusthouse Forte.”

What did you and Mrs Mortimer get the chef to make for you? Bob: “Ooh, I like questions like that. My wife really wanted a smoked salmon salad. And my rule is: if I’m on holiday – because for the rest of the time I can only eat frickin’ nuts and seeds and shit – I can eat whatever I want.” **Andy: **“He goes on 12 holidays a year though. Boom boom!” **Bob: **“I just really fancied some belly pork.”

**That can’t be good for the heart, Bob? Bob: **“It’s OK once in a blue moon. With some really creamy mashed potato.”

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**This literally sounds like a recipe for disaster! Bob: **“The thing is, you really appreciate your fats when you can’t have them very often because you’ve had a heart by-pass. That’s the positive side of major heart surgery. By the way, did you watch the autopsy of the obese person [Obesity: The Post-Mortem] the other night? I cancelled Crime Club to watch it, and it was extraordinary. I’m thinking of starting a very occasional ‘Autopsy Club’, but we’ll see.”

**Bob, before you went in for your heart operation, you made a will. Did you leave anything to Andy? Bob: **“No. I actually left everything to the former Page 3 model Linda Lusardi.”

**Really? She’ll have been gutted you pulled through, what with all the valuables you have in your huge mansion… Bob: **“Honestly, look… I haven’t got a mansion. I’m skint. I run a crime club where the only subscriber is my wife.” **Andy: **“His nearest next door neighbour lives seven miles away, don’t tell anyone. (Whispers) Pass it on.”

**You really do live on a massive estate… and I don’t mean a council estate. Bob: **“I live in what used to be called a fort.”

**And am I right in thinking you have a book on the go, as well? Bob: **“No.” **Andy: **“Yes, it’s due out in January. It’s got an alternative history of football, it doesn’t contain many facts though. And it’s got some of the best stories we’ve told on the podcast as well.”

And it’s out in January, so just in time to miss the Christmas rush? Andy: “Aye, it is. We’ve gone for the Book Token crowd. If the still do Book Tokens, that is…” *Subscribe to Athletico Mince at audioboom.com Tickets for 25 Years Of Reeves & Mortimer: The Poignant Moments, are still available. *