NEW research by the Institute for Studies has revealed what happens in the first hour after the Daily Mail hits your eyes.

— In the first 10 minutes Mail headlines, disguised as rhetorical questions, trick your moral sense and the pineal gland, which controls your fear of ‘the other’, begins pumping fear hormones into your bloodstream.

— Within 15 minutes the brain’s limbic system, confused by images of attractive celebrities being sneered at for being attractive, reroutes all feelings of sexual attraction to contempt and loathing.

— After 20 minutes the body activates its hate storage mode, creating new reservoirs of rotten bile to be spewed at any conspicuous displays of compassion.

— After 40 minutes the acid of intense class envy reaches the bloodstream, creating a false high of self-righteousness and lasting belief that you are the only one in the country who works hard.

— Within 60 minutes, the stimulation to neuroreceptors from the Coffee Break Sudoku is fading, leaving readers desperately ‘chasing the Bassett’ by trying to enjoy the cartoons.

— Beyond this point, the body binds toxins to itself leading to irritability, brain fog and the nagging sensation that nobody is truly innocent, especially not the 15-year-old children of celebrities.