You've been back in Germany now for two-and-a-half years. How often do you think about your kidnapping?

Every day. It'll probably be like that forever. It's like background noise. After all, it changed me as a person. I don't feel resentment when I think about that time, even though some of it was horrible. When I was there, I always hoped I would be able to come home. I thought that if I just make it home, everything would be alright. It wasn't quite that easy, but I made it. I got a second chance, which cannot be said for everyone who was kidnapped there.

Did you get help?

Yes, Reporters Without Borders put me in touch with a very good therapist who knows a lot about Syria. But the thing that had the most therapeutic effect was the book I wrote about my time as a hostage. Finally, I was no longer helpless – and I found new strength through writing.

Why did you travel to Syria in October 2015, even though the civil war was raging?

I was working on a documentary film together with an executive production company. WDR, NDR and BR (German public broadcasters), as well as the Film- und Medienstiftung NRW (a media funding foundation), had already guaranteed financing. The working title was “Paradiesvogel” (Bird of Paradise), and it was going to be about my schoolmate, who I will call Laura. Around 10 years ago, Laura dedicated her life to jihad and has been living in Syria with her three children for several years.

Why don't you use your former schoolmate's real name? It's well known to experts. Why do you want to protect a jihadi?

I'm not so much protecting her as her children and her family in Germany. The documentary film's aim was to get away from the clichés that surround this milieu – the propaganda worlds created by the Islamists themselves, or the terrorist stereotypes perpetuated by many media organizations. I thought I could tell the story of her journey differently, in a less cookie-cutter way. Laura and I used to have a very good relationship, and we've known each other since first grade. That's why I had hoped she would tell me more and be more honest about this world and what she had experienced since her emigration in 2009. The idea was to let her speak – but not just with the statements she had uttered in the propaganda videos she had appeared in.

Your former schoolmate has become one of Germany's foremost jihadis.

I well remember seeing her first video. She was sitting on a chair, fully veiled, wearing a holster and calling for jihad. She was the first woman to appear in a German-language propaganda video.

How did you plan this trip?

The trip was originally planned by Laura's mother. She hadn't seen her daughter for years and wanted to see her grandchildren – and she probably wanted to bring Laura and her children back to Germany. I heard about it, since I was in touch with Laura and her mother, and I decided to accompany her. From today's perspective, that may sound strange. But at the time, I thought it was feasible. I wanted to go in, interview her and get out. I also had a security guarantee.

A security guarantee?

From Laura and her group.

Did you know which group it was?

Not really. She had hinted that it was connected to the Nusra Front. That was it.

"It wasn't clear to me at the time that I was making the biggest mistake of my life."

The Al-Nusra Front was affiliated with al-Qaida for quite some time. What did your security guarantee look like?

It was an email. Laura wrote that nothing would happen to me and that I would be treated well. I could enter the country and leave again safely. It was of course a huge mistake that I trusted this guarantee, which likely no one else would have trusted.

You were seven months pregnant at the time. Do you understand those who say: How could Janina Findeisen have done such a thing?

Sure. I'm one of those people now, too. But things were different back then. I felt pressured – not least because of my pregnancy. I wanted to tell this story before having to wait until I could work again several months after the pregnancy. It wasn't clear to me at the time that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

Two of your childhood friend's husbands had previously died in battle. One of them was a known German jihadi and wanted by the U.S. Your friend had called for a war against infidels – which included you. Did you still feel like the two of you were friends?

As I traveled to Syria, I no longer had the feeling that we were friends like we had been when we went to school together for 13 years. It was clear that we lived in worlds that had little to no overlap. Our relationship was also marred by mistrust – she was afraid I would betray her, and I was afraid she would betray me. Still, she was a point of access for me and a guarantor of my security. I thought this was something very special between us.

Shouldn't someone have stopped you?

Definitely. There would have been plenty of opportunities to do so. But in the end, it was my decision. And my mistake.

Who knew that you wanted to travel to Syria while pregnant?

The production company I was working with. They took out a health insurance policy for me that covered the time I planned to be in Syria.

When contacted by SZ-Magazin, the production company denied having known about your trip to Syria. They said only a trip to Turkey had been planned.

But the production company took out an insurance policy for me. On the document, it says: "War risk and terrorism coverage." And the only country the insurance policy was valid in was: "Syrian Arab Republic."

Had you ever been to a war zone before?

No, just once to the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. I was naive.

You said that the public broadcasters WDR, NDR and BR, as well as the Medienstiftung NRW, wanted to finance your film. Did these organizations know about your travel plans?

No, not as far as I know. BR, NDR and the Medienstiftung weren't really involved in the film, they had only agreed to finance it. For the production company, WDR was the point of contact. As far as I know, the broadcaster didn't know anything about the trip.

How did your family and friends react to your travel plans?

Almost no one knew except the father of my child, who was also supposed to be the co-director of the film.

SZ-Magazin spoke with him and he said he tried to stop you.

Not hard enough, unfortunately. He accompanied me to Antakya, Turkey, 40 kilometers from the Syrian border.

You had a security guarantee from your schoolmate. What other safety precautions did you take?

I had arranged with the father of my child to get in touch at regular intervals. I then sent him a message that I was OK. Unfortunately, there weren't any other safety precautions, even if hindsight indicates they would have been necessary. I didn't take a mobile phone or a GPS device with me, which could have revealed my location. It was unclear whether such devices would have put me in more danger had I met with high-ranking jihadis. If you're sitting next to an Islamist, you're providing the coordinates for a drone attack – and the target may be more important to someone than your own life.

How did you ultimately get to the war zone?

Laura organized everything. I flew with her mother to Turkey, and in Antakya we were supposed to meet a human trafficker who Laura had arranged for us.

But then your friend's mother didn't come along?

Right. At that time in Syria, the first Russian bombardments had just begun and the situation got too dangerous for her. She gave me a bag with things for Laura and her children – toys, a tablet, children's shampoo and sweets, halal Haribo and Raffaello, which Laura had asked for. And then she flew back to Germany.

And what about you?

I said goodbye to the father of my child in Antakya and met the trafficker at the agreed location. His name was Waleed and he was Syrian. I had to wait at his brother-in-law's apartment for three days. Then we left one evening and drove half an hour or 45 minutes toward the border. I had put on a niqab, so I was fully veiled and only my eyes were visible. Officially, my story was that I was the wife of the trafficker. We hoped that as a woman, I wouldn't be checked. Out of a kind of respect, women are often left alone. About 20 minutes before the border, we got out of the vehicle and began walking through olive fields. We then walked another half-hour or so until we reached the border. At that time, there was still a lot of border traffic in both directions and there were also a lot of commuters.

What did the Syrian-Turkish border look like at the time?

There was a fence in some places, but not everywhere. Some of it was just stacked sandbags. There were also ditches on both sides, but there was no insurmountably large wall with floodlights or anything. The section where we crossed was like a corridor – everyone crossed the border fence there. A few sentry towers stood nearby with Turkish soldiers in them.

Did you have to pay bribes?

Yes, but not large amounts. It worked like this: A group of people pooled their money to buy themselves a window of time, maybe 15 minutes, during which the border guards would turn a blind eye. After we climbed over the fence, we walked another 15 minutes until we came to a parking lot. There was a camp there too, where people were selling sweets, where money could be exchanged and where a bunch of taxis were waiting. We got into one of the taxis and drove for another few hours through the night. At around 5 a.m., we arrived in a small town where a sign read "Al-Dana." There, the trafficker brought us to a safehouse, a multi-story, concrete building.

Were you afraid that night? By then, you were completely at the mercy of terrorists.

Of course I was afraid. But everything had basically gone off without a hitch until then. Only later did it hit me: Oh my God, I'm in Syria. But the next day, Laura came, and I felt relatively safe.

What was it like to see your friend for the first time after nearly 10 years?

Extremely intense. The fact that the meeting had taken place at all made me downright euphoric.

Did she come alone?

No, she had a driver with her and her three children.

How long did you stay?

I was there for eight days.

Why so long? You could have also said: a five-hour interview and then I'm off.

I wanted to be sure to give myself enough time for all the filming. I didn't want to just interview Laura, I wanted to interview a commander of her group. Laura and I spent nearly every minute together, even with her children. Most of the time we were inside and did things people normally do in Syrian apartments: We cooked, ate, played with the kids, watched videos. I did an interview with her as well and of course we talked a lot – about her life, about my life. We were both trying to figure out whether things were the same between us as they had been, or whether it was completely different.

And?

It varied.

Is your former schoolmate a fanatic?

Of course. She's lived with her children in a war zone for 10 years and isn't prepared to return to Germany. She would of course face legal consequences here – her record isn't clean, after all. But in return, her children would have a safe life. As their mother, she's preventing that.

What's her stance on killing for her ideology?

She accepts it as necessary. She dedicated her life to this ideology, she sacrificed everything she had in Germany for it. She legitimizes violence through the lifestyle she has chosen – there's no such thing as pacifist jihadis. Of course, it does make a difference whether the group you belong to kills, or whether you take part in the killing yourself.

Has she killed?

I asked her, of course. She always denied it. She also denied ever having been involved in planning attacks.

Did you ask her whether she would blow herself up, like the jihadis from the Caucasus did after their husbands were killed?

Yes, because I was interested in learning how far she would go for her ideology. She said she had children who she needed to take care of and that she wouldn't do such a thing. I was very relieved because it showed that there were limits to what she would do.

What was your impression of her children?

They were lively and healthy. All three spoke German. Laura's daughter – she's the oldest – and the two boys rough-housed in their room, playing and laughing.

Did you think you would be able to take your schoolmate back to Germany with you?

I had hoped that my visit would have some effect. But when I left, it was clear that it was out of the question for her.

"But there were these men blocking the road. And they had Kalashnikovs."

Once your eight days were up, you made your way back to Turkey. But at the border, you turned back at the last minute. Why?

The atmosphere at the border was extremely heated. Turkish soldiers were beating up refugees, there was screaming, and then a few shots were fired. We were only a few meters away from the Turkish border when I decided it would be too dangerous to cross that night, in that situation – and there was also my pregnancy to consider.

So you and the trafficker drove back to Syria.

Yes, back to the house where I had met Laura, though she was already gone. The next evening, we headed back toward the border and wanted to try our luck at another crossing. But there were these men blocking the road. Their faces were covered, and they had Kalashnikovs. They raided our car and blindfolded me. When they took the blindfold off, I was in an empty room.

Did you realize what had happened? Or did you hope it was all just a big misunderstanding?

That first evening, I did in fact expect to be released immediately due to my friend's security guarantee. But I quickly realized that my hopes were for naught.

Did your kidnappers tell you what they wanted?

Yes, they told me they had no political goals and were only interested in money. The first night, I told the wife of one of the kidnappers that I was pregnant. I was crying, and she assured me that the men wouldn't harm me.

When did it become clear to you that you weren't going to be released after a few days?

Actually, in the first weeks and months, I held out real hope that I would soon be released. I thought: I'm German, I'm pregnant, there must be a way. The kidnappers also said that it would be over quickly.

How did your kidnappers treat you?

I was unbelievably lucky. We've all seen the news reports of mass rapes by Islamic State fighters. Thank God I was spared that. My kidnappers treated me with respect, insofar as you can say such a thing in such a situation. I was even allowed to write shopping lists for food and other things I needed.

You were never assaulted?

There were a few unpleasant situations, but I fared comparatively well. I was still fully aware that these weren't nice, humane guys. I knew they might cut off my head on camera.

Do you know now who your kidnappers were?

They belonged to Laura's group. The commander I had interviewed was involved, as was the trafficker, most likely.

And your former schoolmate?

She was involved, of course, since the kidnapping was carried out by elements of her group. But when it comes down to it, I don't think it happened with her knowledge. I think she, too, was betrayed by the group.

But a man who later married your friend was involved?

Yes, a Tunisian who had lived in Germany for some time.