OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland issued an official statement today that Canada is in no way threatened by the successful bilateral negotiations between the US and Mexico, that those negotiations are lame, and finally that Canada was too busy to attend.

“Being shut out of these negotiations has actually been great” said Freeland. “Because now Canada can take some time and focus on being the best Canada we can be.”

“You don’t think we have options? We have options! China, South America, Great Britain. They’ve all been wanting us for years,” she added.

However many economists have noted that Canada has desperately been trying to hook up with any country that will have them for the last several months. A recent meeting in Pakistan to discuss trading the country our “sweet maple syrup” went particularly bad, with one source inside the Pakistani government describing the meeting as “honestly kind of sad.”

“Sometimes you just want to hang out one on one instead of making it a group thing,” said Mexico’s Economy Minister Ildefonso Guajardo. “Canada says they don’t care but Justin Trudeau keeps calling me ‘just to say hi.’ Like they’re the only country to have FOMO when they see some else hanging out with Wilbur Ross.”

At press time Canada didn’t even want to sell Saudi Arabia arms anymore, so whatever who cares.