By Brandon Smith

The FBI and the Secret Service showed their willingness today to utilize the expanded definitions of “counterfeit currency” and “domestic terrorism” brought about by the recent conviction of Bernard von NotHaus of the alternative currency outlet “Liberty Dollar” when the agencies initiated a surprise raid on an unsuspecting Chuck E. Cheese establishment in Des Moines, Iowa.

Chuck E Cheese is charged with violations of 18 U.S.C. § 514, which covers the counterfeiting of Federal instruments, including currency, as well as 18 U.S.C. § 486, which states:

Whoever, except as authorized by law, makes or utters or passes, or attempts to utter or pass, any coins of gold or silver or other metal, or alloys of metals, intended for use as current money, whether in the resemblance of coins of the United States or of foreign countries, or of original design, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.

The statute phrases “intended for use as current money”, as well as “of original design” are extremely vague and wide open for any number of unconstitutional interpretations. Traditionally, the concept of “resemblance” or “similitude” in terms of counterfeiting has been considered to mean an attempt to make an exact copy or near exact copy of a unit of U.S. currency with the intent to illegally replicate its appearance as well as its value. However, the FBI found that the Liberty Dollar decision, and the “precedent” set by it, actually expanded the definition of “resemblance and similitude” to mean almost any privately made coin or barter token. That is to say, there are no longer any exact guidelines for what actually constitutes “counterfeiting”, and therefore, all alternative currencies are now fair game, including the insidiously prevalent Chuck E. Cheese game token.

“Haven’t you ever been at the laundry mat with a pocket of change thinking you have plenty of quarters, only to discover that most of them are Chuck E. Cheese tokens?!” railed Anne Tompkins, Department of Justice prosecutor in the Liberty Dollar case, as she read from a carefully prepared DHS script. “That is close enough to counterfeiting for me! It is a blatant destabilization of our democratic economy! What are you supposed to do, let your underpants wallow in filth while Chuck E. Cheese makes a profit? I say no to these financial terrorists!”

“We have to start making examples out of these alternative currency people,” said Agent Heinrich Himmler of the FBI, who was part of the Des Moines raid, “if we don’t chill enthusiasm for this kind of black market activity and so called “free trade” now, then who knows what could happen! We can’t have average citizens attempting to operate their own commerce. That would be un-American!”

Himmler’s sentiments were echoed by Southern Poverty Law Center mascot and all around swell guy, Mark Potok, who stated:

“We know for a fact that the private trade of any alternative currency directly funds terrorist organizations like “white Al Qaeda” (white Al Qaeda is a franchise of Al Qaeda LTD., all rights reserved), the Ku Klux Klan Anti-Semite Aryan Stormfront Warriors, and, the dreaded Cobra Commandos, not to mention the Decepticons. I have no proof of this…..but I work with the Department of Homeland Security, so clearly I don’t need to explain myself to you…”

He related further:

“The majority of Chuck E. Cheese customers are obviously right wing extremists with aspirations of homegrown terrorism. They openly believe in outlandish conspiracy theories, including the claim that the American economy is on a bullet-train to hell, its greased lighting supplied by the rampant unaccountable activities of the Federal Reserve, including their deliberate destruction of our monetary system. These accusations are preposterous. I see absolutely no signs that the economy or the dollar are in any danger whatsoever. Frankly, only a man like Timothy McVeigh would eat at Chuck E. Cheese.”

“Chuck E. Cheese will deny they cater to terrorists, but who are they to argue with me? I have an open invitation to appear on MSNBC anytime I want and say anything I want without ever being questioned. I could go on Hardball, wax my bikini line, and do a naked hula dance in Chris Matthews’ face and no one would say a damn thing! I’m freaken’ untouchable!”

The Secret Service and the FBI were confronted at the scene of the raid by alternative media proponents who questioned the validity of the action, citing an “extreme misinterpretation of currency laws” in order to “railroad anyone who dared to refuse participation in the corrupt dollar based system”. FBI spokeswomen Gertrud Klink refused to allow web news reporters access to the scene, and failed to respond to any queries.

“They aren’t real media anyway”, said Klink. “They may have city or state issued press passes, and they may be pummeling the MSM with their growing readership numbers, but if it doesn’t say FOX or CNN on the ID, who do they expect to take them seriously? If you can’t reinforce people’s ignorant preconceived notions of any given event with sterile corporately crafted talking points broadcast on digital HD cable, then what good are you to the FBI? ‘The O’Reilly Factor’…..now that’s real journalism!”

Alleged terrorists apprehended on the scene included Chuck E. Cheese himself, as well as partners in crime Jasper T. Jowls and Mr. Munch , who was shot and killed by the FBI while attempting to “gnaw an agent’s leg”. The West Des Moines Junior Girls Softball Squad (Go Bulldogs!), were also caught red handed in the act of exchanging illegal Chuck E. Cheese tokens for turns at the “Whack-A-Mole.”

“We stormed in right as they were about to thrash several unmistakable likenesses of Mark Potok with a rubber mallet. It was sickening! I hope Mark knows how much danger he’s really in….”

Twelve year old shortstop, Suzie Silverton, had a different view of the situation:

“We had just won the state championship and thought it would be nice to celebrate with some pizza and stuff…”

“We didn’t know we were doing anything wrong, you know. I mean, nobody ever told us that Chuck E. Cheese tokens were against the law. We’ve been using them since I was little to play games and all that. They don’t look like any real money I know. Only an idiot (or a Liberty Dollar case jury) would mistake them for legal tender. I asked an FBI man if he could show me where in the law it says specifically that tokens are illegal. He said they make the law up as they go along now, then he sprayed me in the face with bear repellent…”

Anne Tompkins defended the actions of the FBI in a press conference statement ghost written by Janet Napolitano herself:

“Chuck E. Cheese tokens are indeed a form of counterfeiting. As we pointed out in the Liberty Dollar case, any round metal token with a portrait, especially a left facing portrait, with visual devices similar to U.S. coins (which are open to our personal interpretation), could easily be mistaken as legal tender by the dull witted American masses. Never mind that the portrait on the token is of a singing rat…”

“We have several versions of the Chuck E. Cheese token that violate the same exact statutes as Liberty Dollar did. Some of the coins have dollar denominations, like 25 cents, inscribed on them, and some even say “In Pizza We Trust”, obviously copied from “In God We Trust” which is prevalent on all U.S. coinage. Honestly, that’s all we need to nail you for conspiracy to commit currency fraud nowadays, so all you Liberty Movement insurgents out there can forget about sound money projects to protect your communities from hyperinflation. We’re going to tap dance on your graves…”

Seven-year-old Tommy Tuddlemeyer of Des Moines interrupted Tompkins’ statement in protest over the raid on his favorite family restaurant.

Tuddlemeyer: “Anne Tompkins is a shameless soulless shill puppet for the DHS and the corporate banking oligarchy! Don’t you see! They’ve made the application of counterfeiting law so arbitrary that no one can ever know what the actual definition of a counterfeit is! It is utterly unconstitutional to leave the interpretation of a law “open ended” so that it can be used as a flail by the establishment to smash anyone who seeks independence in any form from the existing system! Plus……I miss the ball pit and the pizza! Where am I going to have my 8th birthday party now!

Tompkins: “You’re forgetting something, young man. Barter tokens are also undermining the strength of our dollar and our monetary system. It is illegal to create an economic system or an alternative currency that competes with the Federal Reserve Note. By using tokens, you are destroying the integrity of our country and putting the financial safety of everyone at risk.”

Tuddlemeyer: “Listen, you haggard she-goblin! I may have been born almost yesterday, but that doesn’t mean I’m a moron! You can try to misinterpret 18 U.S.C. § 486 all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that competing barter systems are in no way illegal! Show me the law, wench!”

Tompkins: “Don’t worry, if it’s not written down yet, we’ll make sure it is before the year is out.”

Tuddlemeyer: “If you really cared at all about the safety of the dollar and our financial system, then you would use the power of the DOJ to help investigate the global banks and the Federal Reserve. They are destroying the stability of our currency daily and right out in the open! Its apparent that you have no interest in protecting the American people, only keeping us unshielded and weak as corporate elites bleed us dry, making us sufficiently desperate before they introduce the SDR as the new world reserve currency to replace the dollar, and position the IMF as the ultimate global arbiter of all economic activity around the world.”

Tompkins: That’s all “conspiracy theory”. Only silly kooky internet crazies with insane mental illness psycho craziness say things like that.

Tuddlemeyer: What?! It’s admitted! Ever visit the IMF website? I thought a “conspiracy” was supposed to be something secret. This isn’t a secret…

Tompkins: You’re crazy, and therefore everything you say no matter how factual is without merit…

Tuddlemeyer: Even if you were right about competing systems and currencies being illegal, which you’re not, how did Liberty Dollar or Chuck E. Cheese actually “compete” with the greenback? People had to exchange dollars for Liberty Dollar coins, and for Chuck E. Cheese tokens, so dollars were still being used and traded within the barter process. Nothing you say makes any sense. Man, I need a Flintstones vitamin and a shot of Mountain Dew just to get through this conversation...”

Tompkins: “Ok, I admit it; the raids on Liberty Dollar and Chuck E. Cheese were not about counterfeiting in the slightest. In fact, the banking elite are unbearably afraid of average people taking matters into their own hands and applying their own unique solutions to the problems of economic destabilization. If all you serfs go around implementing your own financial protections and localizing your own economies, then you won’t need global banks or the government to “help you” when it really hits the fan in the next couple of years. If you people get even the narrowest inkling that you have the ability to live WITHOUT the dollar, or any other fiat central banking instrument of intergalactic subjugation, then that would really peeve us off, plus put us out of business. Can you see me having to work a real job? I don’t think so! I would rather send goon squads to burn down your dirty little suburban hovels!”

Tuddlemeyer: How do you live with yourself, lady…?

Tompkins: I make sure everyone else is as miserable as I am…

Tommy Tuddlemeyer was promptly tasered for daring to assert his First Amendment rights in a public place and was heard to exclaim as his head was placed into a black bag that he “wanted his mommy”. Police pointed out that if he could not afford his own mommy, an inept court appointed mommy would be provided for him.

The DOJ, the Secret Service, and the FBI are moving forward with similar actions against other organizations using alternative counterfeit currencies, including Disney Dollars, Roller Dollars, “common border” cooperation against Canadian Tire Dollars, and raids on every casino establishment in the greater Las Vegas area:

“We’ll leave no stone unturned” said Agent Himmler. “I have full faith that with the combined efforts of the DOJ, the FBI, the IRS, and the DHS, we will scare the holy bejesus out of anyone who even looks at the dollar sideways. It’s very simple, if you want to stay out of our crosshairs; shut up, use your Fed notes, and your credit card, and keep on shopping, America! Easy peasy! And don’t worry, if anything ever does happen to the dollar, we’ll be there to pick up the pieces for you. Just don’t ever try to pick them up yourself…”

UPDATE: The above news story is a parody. Hopefully you noticed. However, the underlying absurdity of the situation is, unfortunately, very real, and going on today right under our noses. The humorous anecdote is meant to illustrate a point; that the activities of the DOJ and various federal agencies in regards to alternatives commerce of late have been growing more vicious and more irrational as the disintegration of the mainstream economic system nears. Stagflation is striking all sectors, corporate retailers like Walmart are no longer able to absorb wholesale price increases of goods and are now charging much more at the shelf, energy prices are going through the roof, and housing and wages continue to decline. Centralized economic structures like our own always struggle to stay relevant to the people in the face of financial implosion, at least until they can be replaced with yet ANOTHER centralized financial system. Power over the economy and power over currency are the greatest mechanisms of control in existence, at least, beyond the barrel of a gun, and even more so in some cases. The establishment will stop at nothing to maintain their grip on this mechanism. This includes criminalizing even the most logical and moral behaviors.

The bottom line; whether or not barter networks or sound money initiatives are made illegal is irrelevant. What the DOJ, the SPLC, or even the FBI claims is “domestic terrorism” in terms of trade is, in the end, meaningless. When all is said and done, people are going to look for ways to survive. Barter networking and precious metals are a natural economic extension of this inherent instinct. Every single nation in history that has experienced a fiscal catastrophe has immediately sprouted private localized trade in response. Barter is a fact of life that even the Federal Reserve can’t undo. The key, though, to making barter a proactive tool, is to utilize it BEFORE collapse occurs, instead of waiting until after the fact. The key is to preempt disaster with a free market already in place to provide new options for Americans who find themselves afraid, confused, and in the dark. Never forget, if we do not take action now, global banks will be more than happy to introduce their own “solution”; one that is not so free…

You can contact Brandon Smith at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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