There is surely an art to being a spectator at the Red Bull Crashed Ice event atop the Rideau Locks this weekend.



Just don’t look to this space to find out what it is.



Here, you will only see how a well-seasoned sports writer manages to string together 800 words or so tackling perhaps the most difficult assignment he’s had in 32 years.



But first, let’s talk about the people who didn’t really have to attend the Ice Cross Downhill World Championship held next to the Château Laurier 17 days ahead of the official start of spring.



Most of them might have been there for the free Red Bull, which the younger set likes to mix with vodka. A good stiff drink would have come in handy on what felt more like a night in the middle of winter than one 2 1/2 weeks from the best season on the calendar.

Those who could actually see competitors travel at speeds of up to 70 km/hour down the steep, twisting track that took workers 10,000 hours to construct actually know the art of spectating at one of these things.



They figured out the precise time to claim a spot along the boards, which wasn’t easy. Get there early, and you risked serious frost bite waiting for the races that started at 6:30 p.m. and ended with the crowning of the junior champions about three hours later. Show up on time, or late, and at least you found a little body heat while squished like a sardine into the estimated crowd of 20,000.



But then, the only actual action you observed was the quarter of a second it took for the competitors to zip by the little opening you could find.



And forget about getting to the finish line, which is generally a point of interest in races, right? It was blocked by a dead end of masses who couldn’t move forward and were wondering what to do next.



Now, you might think that a person from the media who was there to cover the event would have some sort of access to the winners, but you would be wrong. Reporters were turned back, too, and while winners in Saturday’s finals will get to share their stories at the podium in the Drawing Room at the Château Laurier, the only way you could talk to the best juniors was by getting to them at the finish line.



I had concerns about the organization from the moment I arrived at 5 p.m. When picking up accreditation, and stating my name clearly three times, I was told I had to sign a waiver form.



This was a first.



“Just in case something happens, so you won’t file a suit,” said the nice young girl on the other side of the table.



Ok, I said, knowing there was zero chance I was going onto the track.



“Can you put down a number of someone to contact in case of emergency?” the girl asked.



“Hey,” I said to Postmedia photographer Errol McGihon, “give me a number to call in case I get hurt.”



Without missing a beat, Errol replied: “911.”



I left the space blank.



Putting the pass around my neck, I bundled up and headed outside. Waiting for the races to begin, I chatted with another photographer who pulled a Red Bull out of his bag. He went to take a drink, only to find it had frozen solid. That’s how cold it was.



After half an hour or so, which was still half an hour before the action would start, I went back into the hotel. I ran into Senators centre Jean-Gabriel Pageau, who was looking for his friend “Cody.” If Ceci was as smart as I think he is, he stayed home.



A couple of minutes later I bumped into my neighbours, Darren and Lise. They stared at the pass hanging around my neck, then broke into a chuckle.



Apparently, when I said Don Brennan, it came out Melissa Lamb. Oh well, the CTV Morning Live weather host probably wouldn’t need the pass. She would have known it was too damn cold to be outside.



If I sound bitter, I’m not, really. It’s great that the Red Bull Crashed Ice is part of the 150th anniversary celebration of our country. The competitors, well, they are something else. That track looks ridiculously dangerous up close. Especially out of the starting gate, which I believe someone said was 35 meters above the Rideau Canal.



The first drop is a doozy.



Just as they are obviously very athletic, those who take part in this particular extreme sport have to be fearless.



It would have been nice to talk to some, to find out how they got started and learn more about their backgrounds, but for that you would need access. And while they could make their way to the finish line, that was impossible for those of us who tell their stories.



Still, the Red Bull Crashed Ice men’s and women’s finals are on Saturday, and they will certainly be worth a watch. But may I suggest you do so from the comfort of your living room, as they will be televised.



Darned if I could find someone around here who knows what channel.