T. Herman Zweibel

Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911)

Aggggggh! Help! A spook! A spook! Nurse! Nurse! Help, a spook is loose in my chamber! Aieeee!


Damn you, nurse—why will you not come? It whirls over my bed like a noxious cloud of terror! I can feel its icy grip upon my frail brow! I am almost speechless with fear!

Clearly this wraith-like specter ushers in my impending doom! It has come to collect me! Please, nurse, I don't want to depart this earthly realm! I am an old man and have committed many sins. Help me, nurse! Rescue me from certain hellfire!


Go down to the village and fetch the parish priest! Have him perform an exorcism! It is my only hope! Wait—I had all the holy men banished from the county 60 years ago! Damn the luck! Oh, someone, come help me, please!

Zombies! Zombies! They have broken down the door and are marching toward me! They're all filled with the hoodoo juice, and their eyes are like smoldering embers! They're clawing at me with clammy, decomposing appendages! Help! Help! I am choked with fright!


Aaaaagh! Now hideous goblins have pounced on my bed and are proceeding to poke me with their red-hot tridents! The pain is unbearable! My bedchamber is spinning about as though caught in a formidable cyclone! I am being sucked into the acrid pits of Hell! The furies have been unleashed!

Oh, merciful Lord in Heaven above, I repent for all my past sins! I readily accept You as my most holy Savior and recognize myself for the pathetic old shell of a human being that I am. I am sorry I did not serve Thy Holy Will to the utmost. I am sorry that I threw those orphans down the mineshaft. I will build a great cathedral of gold to Your sacred name! Don't forever consign me to the depths of damnation!


Yaaaaaaa! Scary bats! Scary bats flying hither and thither, striking my aged, husk-like frame with their leathery wings! Help! Spiders emerging from the cracks in the walls, launching their poisonous venom! Dancing skeletons going "boogedy boogedy!" Horrors! Help! Ooh hoo! It's too much! Save me, nurse, save me!

T. Herman Zweibel, the great grandson of Onion founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, was born in 1868, became editor of The Onion at age 20, and persisted in various editorial posts until his launching into space in 2001. Zweibel's name became synonymous with American business success in the 20th century. Many consider him the “Father Of American Journalism,” also the title of his well-known 1943 biography, written by Norman Rombauer.