I recently wrote a facebook post in part, as a response to the Orlando shootings, discussing a piece of how my views on homosexuality have evolved as a Mormon woman. The post took off and has been shared all over the Mormon internet, and while the response has been overwhelmingly positive, there are also a good majority of Mormons who are defensive about it.

A common response from faithful Mormons is, “I’m sorry you had that experience, but I never had a Mormon experience that taught me to discriminate.”

I would like to offer a more in-depth response here. I understand the reaction to Mormons who feel like their religion is being misrepresented. I have several thoughts about this:

1. I understand as much as anyone, the bind we have as Mormons. It’s tough to feel like your viewpoint is at odds with society, or that because you don’t feel hate, it is difficult to see your position being represented as hateful. It’s also especially tough if you personally feel sympathetic to the LGBT community. Certainly, Mormonism teaches us to be kind and to love everyone.

Our doctrine explicitly forbids homosexual sex. At least in the last century. LDS policy explicitly excludes LGBT people who are coupled or married from baptizing their children or from participating in sacred covenants and saving ordinances. I understand that while we as LDS individuals might feel differently, the institution has a a clear position. It is a conflict, for certain and one we are all trying to reconcile in a variety of ways with a variety of different approaches.

2. To say that the experience I had on my post is limited to just me, is very possible. However, I can’t tell if I think people are being deliberately protective of Mormonism, intellectually dishonest, or they truly never did experience Mormonism as an influence that shaped their views on homosexuality. Either way, I would wager my experience is not limited, simply because of the historical emphasis in the last century on this issue. I don’t know how you can grow up Mormon in the 20th and 21st centuries and not know very clearly that homosexuality is not only a sin, but a creeping influence of Satan, one that you must stand against.

Several years ago, I ran a very successful preschool business out of my home. I had operated the business for over ten years, with a solid reputation, a steady waiting list, and I was good at it. After the only openly gay man in our neighborhood was accused of a crime he didn’t commit, simply because he was gay, I began to speak out and try to understand issues surrounding homosexuality. As my opinions evolved on the matter, I went to the gay bar like I mentioned in my Facebook post. I started meeting with people who identify as LGBT. I began to discuss the issues online. By the time my daughter was born, a group of women who I had met through my LDS ward and were largely my clientele decided to collectively pull their children out of my preschool. I was told by two women who were kind enough to explain it to me was, “[because I was] too liberal on gay issues.” There was a fear I would teach this new-found “tolerance” to children. I went from 32 enrolled children to 11, and then to 8, and then I decided to move on to something else. At the time, it was devastating to me and my family. I understand how it happened, I just don’t feel like I deserved it.

We can argue that I deserved it. We can argue I wasn’t a good teacher, or maybe I was too liberal or loud on gay issues. Of course the institutional church never told anyone to ban my preschool, but it would feel disingenuous for anyone to argue that Mormon faith wasn’t used in repeated conversations to justify the ban of my business. At that time, rhetoric in the LDS church was particularly oriented around religious liberty and standing up for the church on this issue. Because we lived in a state (Utah) that didn’t have a political arena to put LDS instruction into political action, I believe my preschool became a hard surface to strike against. For the LDS faithful in my area this was their way to “stand up for what was right.” Right or wrong, or anything in between, the LDS church position absolutely shaped the response and reaction to the situation.

3. When I wrote my original post, I thought I made it clear I was talking about being influenced by both my church and societal views. Many Mormons came in hot and defensive as if I had said Mormonism alone made me feel this way. That interpretation was at first, very confusing to me. But in context, it makes sense. We have a tradition of defensiveness (even that statement will make some Mormons defensive!) I also understand the need we have as Mormons to protect our faith publicly and defend it publicly. We as Mormons have a long-standing tradition of concern for our public perception. In fact, I think we are more concerned about it than many other religions that I am familiar with. This is evidenced in both the fact that the LDS church has employed (at different times and in different capacities) PR firms to handle their public affairs and that most announcements now come through the LDS Newsroom. As a researcher who chronicles the history of the LDS church, this obsession with public image is very understandable and comes from a time where public perception over polygamy directly shaped the lived experiences of Mormons in the Great Basin. We have a long history of survival and needing the outside world to not believe we are monstrous. A Peculiar People, but not too peculiar. 🙂

4. I think many Mormons who support the church’s positions on homosexuality don’t often distinguish (at least not as much as I would like) between Homosexuality as a VERB and Homosexuality as a NOUN. Many Mormons think homosexuality is something people *do* so when we say it is a sin, we are talking about behavior. We feel as if we are not condemning the person but the act.

The problem with this thinking is that many in the LGBT community identify with homosexuality as a NOUN. It is who they are, not something they do. It’s not just about sex. It’s about connecting intimately with someone on an emotional and spiritual level as well. It’s about how they see the world. It’s who they are. So when we say, “Homosexuality is wrong” we are very literally saying to them, “YOU are wrong.” Those are the distinctions that I feel are getting lost in these discussions.

So while you as a Mormon might think your viewpoints are reflecting tolerance, they are being heard and interpreted differently from someone who has a lived experience, who walks every day in an LGBT body.

5. Perhaps this is the disconnect happening in the conversations with faithful Mormons defending church positions and critics of the LDS church’s position on LGBT issues. Mormon identity is complicated and complex. Many critics also have a difficult time distinguishing between Mormon as a NOUN and a VERB. When Mormons say they “love and support gay friends and family, they just uphold the LDS church’s view on morality,” they are acting very Mormon. As a VERB. So when critics say, “The Mormon position is hateful,” what is being lost is that Mormons don’t see Mormonism as a verb either. They see it as a NOUN, as an identity, so what they essentially hear is, “YOU are hateful.”

Maybe the way we have these conversations reflect the way in which we experience the world. Maybe they reflect on more shared commonalities than differences. If I seem hard on fellow Mormons it is because we do claim moral high ground and I believe that gives us a greater responsibility to act on it. For those who say that tolerance goes both ways, I actually disagree. Tolerance isn’t a tug-o-war, keeping us inches away from a pit of sticky hate and violence. I think what most people mean when they use the word “tolerance” is being able to open your heart and mind to something that challenges you, and continually challenge you, and to try and empathize with that, and orient the world with more space for it. It’s a practice. So unlike Mormon and LGBT identity, tolerance is in a very real sense, a VERB. An action for which the burden of responsibility is one we have taken on through actual covenants. And if Mormons do indeed claim spiritual and moral high-ground, it is our responsibility to the be the practitioners of it. Not as a NOUN, “the toleranced” but as a spiritual practice and commitment to Christlike living.