1

Fill the tub with water. For this tub, as well as the contents of your hot-water heater, will be your drinking supply. Fill the sinks with scotch—and cover, obviously.

**2 **

If there’s any looting to be done, focus on marijuana dispensaries. If you don’t live in California, that’s too bad. We have marijuana dispensaries.

**3 **

Assemble a posse of hooligan underlings, choosing a mix of muscular physiques and corpulent ones. Harvest fat from the chubbies and cook the muscular folks in it. When the fatties run out of cellulite to harvest, they are now prime, lean cooking specimens. Obviously you’ll need to be fattening up new "team members" as you go, perpetuating the savory cycle.

**4 **

Find gas. Don’t try siphoning it, though. It is very difficult to do on these new cars, and you get a crazy headache. An ounce of precaution is worth a pound of succulent human flesh post-Apocalypse.

**5 **

Find electricity. Toyota FJ Cruisers offer a convenient 115-volt plug-in. You have gas? You have electricity. Also, we really like Toyota FJ Cruisers. Can we have one for mentioning it in this article? Perhaps with an off-road TRD package and Warn winch bumper?

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**6 **

Make sure your garage is filled with canned foods that don’t taste good when you’re stoned. Trust us, you don’t want to end up eating forty cases of chili mac just ’cause it felt amazing in your mouth. We’ve been there. It gets expensive.

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**7 **

Batteries. Get some.

**8 **

Find a large grizzly bear. Punch it in the face. It’s cool; no more PETA. If you enjoy it like we do, keep it up. Punch every bear you can find. Punch a cougar. Good times are hard to come by in the Apocalypse. If you accidentally kill the bear, don’t let that good meat and coat go to waste. Cubs make cool post-apocalyptic pets.

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**9 **

Find a suitable stream and construct a waterwheel. This will power your woodworking shop. Hone your woodworking skills until you and your progeny can produce Hula-hoops. When civilization returns, they will sell like hotcakes, and your fortune will be secured.

**10 **

Just in case, starting immediately, carry a small go-pack at all times, containing fishing line, hooks, waterproof matches, a compass, a wire saw, and water-purification tablets. Or just get a Rambo knife. They look real badass.

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**11 **

Carry a lucky relic, like a watch or something, to pass on to your offspring right before you die: "Protect this watch. I kept it in my ass for two years in Nam." (Even if it’s not true, this is what you should say.)

**12 **

Set out for the Massachusetts area with your team of marauders, living off human flesh and the occasional bear feast. Make your way to Fenway Park and play ball all day long. Nobody will stop you; it’ll be totally awesome! Paint a huge cock and balls on the Green Monster! It’ll be hilarious! Bring a few goats to keep the outfield trimmed and to attract bears for pleasure punching.