A recent article in the UK publication the Telegraph proclaimed that the World Cup draw “is more exciting” than the actual World Cup itself. This proves one thing: the person who wrote that article really needs to get out more.

Of course, the drawing of all eight groups for the 2014 World Cup of Soccer in Brazil took place earlier today, and reactions are pouring in from each team via statements from their respective representatives. There were some cheers, some tears and probably more than a few pangs of indigestion from eating that stale muffin in the break room too quickly. Here are some highlights:

Brazil: “We’re very excited to be hosting the World Cup this year. We’d like to thank all the teams in our group for providing us with a nice warm-up before we crush the rest of the field in the elimination rounds”.

Croatia: “We’re pretty confident about our chances against Brazil in the tournament opener – and by chances I mean the probability that our back four will wet themselves”.

Mexico: “Our team is hoping to get a strong contribution from the man who made this World Cup berth possible – Graham Zusi”.

Cameroon: “We’ll always have 1990”.

Spain: “We’re definitely the team to beat, but only after we clone David Villa and insert eleven of him into our starting lineup”.

Netherlands: “Hopefully we’re not as bad as the last Euro championship. The only guys who looked slower than we did are the members of the United States congress”.

Chile: “We were issued most red cards of any team during our respective qualifying phase. What can we say – red is a sexy color on us”.

Austrailia: “We have a secret weapon this time around – Paul Hogan is our mascot!”

Columbia: “Not only is our team better than the rest of the field, but we also have the best coffee in our dressing room at halftime”.

Greece: “BAKLAVA FOR EVERYONE!!!”

Cote D’Ivoire: “This means we only have a few months to make sure Dider Drogba ‘accidentally’ falls into the fountain of youth right?”

Japan: “Hopefully our team Hibachi chef can make it through customs – those pre-game meals are delicious!”

Uruguay: “Is there any way we can get Luis Suarez out of England and grant him asylum in Costa Rica?”

Costa Rica: “Really, you want to protect Suarez by sending him to the most violent, crime-ridden country in the group? Even Edward Snowden would think that’s a crappy idea”.

England: “Too late – Greg Dyke already ordered a hit on Suarez. Best of luck boys!”

Italy: “Please – the only thing smaller than England’s chances of getting out of this group are Sepp Blatter’s chances of saying anything intelligent on TV”.

Switzerland: “The rest of the teams had better be careful – if they don’t let us win, we’ll make their national economy look porous by comparison”.

Ecuador: “Honestly, we don’t even know what other teams are in this group – we’re too busy oogling the hostess who’s in charge of manipulating the balls at the podium”.

France: “We showed no effort or drive until the last game of qualifying. Now we’re in arguably the weakest group in the entire tournament. Fitting, no?”

Honduras: “Our country has never won a World Cup match – a streak that looks sure to continue in 2014 as well”.

Argentina: “Our squad should be the favorites. We have the best player in the world, one of the best scorers in the English Premiership, and the support of the only man to score a World Cup game-winning goal with his hand”.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: “Wait – we have a soccer team?”

Iran: “We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: at least we’re not the United States”.

Nigeria: “We’re very confident about our chances in the World Cup. We’ve even been taking penalty shot lessons from Victor Ikpeba”.

Germany: “We’re honored to help the United States with their try-out process to see who will be on their squad in 2018”.

Portugal: “So are we!”

Ghana: “Us too!”

United States: “Can anyone help us translate Jurgen Klinsmann’s suicide note to Portuguese?”

Belgium: “We like our opponent’s back lines like we like our waffles: full of holes and covered in syrup”.

Algeria: “Our country used to be a French colony, and in many ways, our team is exactly like the French national team – just minus the goal-scoring ability”.

Russia: “We’re only coming to the World Cup if it’s BYOB. Seriously”.

Korea Republic: “The guy writing this article was going to make a Kim Jong Un joke, before he realized that we’re the other Korea. You know, the one that never gets lampooned in North American media”.

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