I ordered something on amazon at almost the eleventh hour (10:47 pm to be precise), with the most expedited shipping option that was possible, so that I can get hands on that something without anyone at home noticing. Sounds shady, right? Let me explain …

A few days ago, we had a huge fight late evening at home. I was frustrated. I was angry. To ease the ongoing stress I’ve been bearing for weeks, I caved in and began browsing for L-theanine on amazon. Thirty minutes worth of thorough sweep on amazon, I already had an expensive contender to be worth slipping into my checkout cart. That wasn’t the tricky part — delivery, as it turned out, was gonna be a pickling problem.

When you order anything online and get it delivered at home or your apartment, naturally it’s gonna raise eyebrows around. Your family or roommate is gonna geteither curious or sneaky as to what’s inside that kraft colored shipping box. It’s not unlike your grocery store or your run-of-the-mill departmental store purchase wherein you can slip in your beloved candy bar amidst a cart full of groceries your tired mum picked up, going aisle by aisle when you were nine. That cardboard box is exclusive to you, and it’s gonna be topic of a small talk, that may go south, starting with, “Oh, what’s in the box”. There are some people, who would craft the question as, “By the way your amazon package is on our bed”, when you were the one who picked that package up from front porch to your room, when no one was even home. Some people just need to know what was ordered online, while others would wanna point you at your bad shopping habits that you cultivated with the advent of prime membership (parents are well wishers, in this regard; most friends just act like bitches). In my case, someone at home seeing a pack of L-theanine powder, would have been triggered to say something like, “Why do you need it? All this stress is just in your head … you don’t need it … don’t self-medicate with these health supplements … health supplements are a myth … did you just drop xyz amount on this? don’t spend too much … (someone with myopia) are you doing drugs? … (a few days later) see, I told you it’s a waste of money; didn't do anything thing, right? … (at a party) I tell you, he has been taking L-theanine — could he be suffering from ADHD or depression or anxiety? … … …”

Judging someone based on what they purchase is just human nature. It’s something that generates millions of dollars in sales revenue for a lot of startups in Silicon Valley. But when these judgemental conclusions get in way of a fight or affect perception of people as to how they view us, that’s when things turn out toxic. Have you ever walked down through aisles of your local pharmacy, feeling uncomfortable by those prying judgemental eyes, when checking out condoms (as a woman) or vitamin supplements or shampoo/facewash (as a man) or candy bars (if being overweight) … ? You know deep down you are being watched and silently mocked — being judged either by onlookers or that security personnel overseeing CCTV feed. It’s this embarrassing consciousness that also makes us humans to conceal our purchases from fellow humans. Getting noticed with a purchased product is damn ashaming, that feels criminal as this guy from Ocean’s Eleven. It’s simply anxiety inducing.

So I hatched a plan. I ensured that I get hands on my package before 11:00 am the next morning, paying a premium on top of my shipped item. I had to be certain that the time window when this item was gonna be dropped off, cannot coincide with anyone at home, who might catch a glimpse of it when walking in or out that front door, else I would have to justify what I ordered and be held in emotional detention for the remainder of February. And guess what? I successfully pulled that job. While I’m relieved, even after so many days, that I didn’t have to face one of those, “What did you order” and the endless followups of why’s, deep down I feel guilty for not being honest to people I love and get loved by. An avoidance paradox, either ways.

Did you ever had the need to hide your purchases or mask you shopping habits from others? More importantly, why?