THE HEAVENS—Saying this was by far the realm’s most hectic time of year, angelic sources told reporters Monday that the Eternal Paradise of Heaven is in a frenzy of activity due to preparations for the massive influx of college students expected over the spring break holidays. “In the coming three weeks, we’re going to get slammed with literally thousands of 18- to 22-year-olds, so we have to be ready,” said the archangel Raphael, who was tasked with drilling other Heavenly beings on special intake procedures for the new souls, who generally arrive in paradise extremely drunk and disoriented. “We’ll need to clear out at least a quarter of the first celestial sphere to make room for the Ohio State kids alone.” Sources added that Heaven’s preparations paled in comparison to Hell’s, where demons are projecting a sharp uptick of date rapists from South Padre Island.

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