How Violent Video Games Taught Me to Remove the Pool Steps and Just Watch Loved Ones Swim Around Endlessly Until They Die

I didn’t want to do it—I really didn’t. I tried to resolve the communication problems I had with my family, but it was like they were speaking gibberish. I felt like I had no choice. I did what I had to do. No, no, actually—I did what I was taught to do:

I told my family members to get in the pool, removed the steps, and watched as they frantically swam in circles, searching for the exit until they succumbed to their cold, watery fate.

It all happened so fast. Time just sped by at at least three times its normal rate, and then they were gone, and I had no choice but to put their tombstones in the back yard.

Maybe if they would have appreciated my art it wouldn’t have come to this. But no, they said my gnomes would never support a family. Well guess what, turns out there’s a blossoming gnome industry in this neighborhood, so who’s laughing now, mom? Oh wait, that’s right, you’re dead!

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Oh yeah dad, what do you think of me now? Are you proud of me now? It might be hard to laugh at me for pissing my pants in the living room for the 32nd time with your fucking lungs filled with water you dead-ass bitch.

…

Oh god what have I done? I feel like I had no control. My sweet, loving mother warned me violent video games were bad, but I never thought I would laugh as she drowned in our step-less pool like a fucking moron.

Actually no, fuck you mom and dad. This house is mine now. I run this place. And guess what: I’m not watering or trimming the hedges. I’m not cleaning up the dishes or unclogging the toilet. All I’m doing is ordering pizza and inviting girls over for some hardcore, no strings attached woohooing. Fuck it, I might even invite over a few and we’ll all woohoo together all night long on the big Benihana-style hibachi cooking table in the front room. Men, women, I don’t give a fuck you dead idiots — I’m going to woohoo the shit out of all of them and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

I might even start in the shower, and then move it, if you know what I mean.

Update: Oh shit!? Did you see that? Was that a ghost? WTF!