Man Grinding Out McDonald’s Shifts to Afford Cool New Sword

JOPLIN, Miss. — Weapons aficionado Douglas Han has begun taking extra shifts at his fast food job to acquire what he calls his “most badass sword yet.”

“It’s a grind,” said Han, 22. “I’m still a bit of a noob at McDonald’s, but any powerful warrior has to begin his or her journey at the drive-thru window. I’m getting a small amount of experience with each burger I assemble and McNuggets I microwave.”

Han — who has amassed a small collection of swords, daggers and knives over the past decade — has volunteered to work 60-hour weeks so he can finally afford a “three figure” sword and upgrade his bedroom wall to the next level.

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“I haven’t decided what my next weapon exactly will be or what stats to focus on,” said the eager Han. “There’s a rapier with extremely high ratings in speed and sharpness. There is also a katana I’ve been eyeing made of carbon steel and a leather hilt for maximum striking force. It’s a trade-off for sure.”

The young swordmaster’s coworkers at the off-highway McDonald’s franchise report that Han has been tirelessly working toward the level of “Shift Manager” so that he can acquire the resources needed to purchase the cool sword at a faster rate.

Asked what the hardest parts of the grind have been so far, Han said, “Well, I consider myself a paladin because of my close relationship with God, so the sword is a natural choice for me. But things would be so much easier if I had become a spellcaster instead. Wands are really cheap on Etsy right now.”

“Also, the lack of a healer has been really tough,” he added. “Our health insurance doesn’t kick in until 90 days after we start. That fucking sucks.”