Millions Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by Embracing Celtic Paganism

Mar 17, 2019

At the Delta Delta Delta sorority of the University of Southern California, dozens of young women got together to partake in the ancient pre-Christian ritual of St. Patrick’s Day.

They opened a special variety of clover-based mead and discussed the priestly caste of "magico-religious specialists" known as the druids.

“I just love the animistic aspect that lies within us,” said Olivia Stone, a first year communications major, whose 23 and Me DNA test revealed she’s 3% Irish. She nonchalantly flashed her boobs to a group of men passing by before continuing “all aspects of the natural world contain spirits. Communication is possible with these spirits. It's my thesis.”

Celtic Paganism is part of a broader group of Iron Age polytheistic religions of the Indo-European family. The Celtic pantheon consists of numerous records, both from Greco-Roman ethnography and from epigraphy.

“Ladies! Today we offer our bodies, our minds, our souls to Taranis, god of thunder!” screamed Tri Delta president Shannon O'Sullivan. “Let us surrender to the elements that modern society divorces us from. Now bring in the offering!”

As the women cheered, a blindfolded man from the neighboring Phi Kappa Psi fraternity was brought into this encircling of pagan women. He was in good spirits, although quite nervous. The blue skies of Los Angeles seemed to sweep into a chill, a reminder of the thunderous floods which had so recently come, a reminder of the thunderous floods which will come again.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” screamed the women as the man nervously awaited his fate.

“Yes! Ladies! I beg upon thee. Before you feast upon my body in a polytheistic orgy, I remind you that ancient Celtic offerings were made through the landscape – both the natural and the domestic. Our offering is not me, a human, but in the construction of a temple. I call on thee to spare my life and together we shall tend a sacred grove!”

Then together they set down their glasses, marched outside, cleared out a spot of garbage, and planted a hollow of trees for fairies and gnomes to call home on this day, March 17th, St. Partick’s Day.