Do me a favor. Reach down between your legs, and grab a handful. Then use this guide to determine how you should read the following article.

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If you came up with two shuddering, army-filled GLOBES of untold testosteronic power ...

CONGRATULATIONS, you are a man. Your chromosomes read like a guy finding his friend dead at a rave, and you should consider this article A CLARION CALL to sweaty, muscular, barbed-wire-tatted ARMS. Welcome to the resistance, brother.

If you came up with NOTHING because all you've got down there is a pathetic inside-out handbag of an excuse for reproductive organs ...

SORRY, you are a woman. Your chromosomes read like the eyes of a cartoon corpse, and you should ABSOLUTELY take the information below as a WARNING: I AM ON TO YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO. And soon, so will the world.

The trends are clear. The rise of the New Girl Order must be stopped! The shestapo dismantled! Or in nine days, the Story of a Girl could be that she's got her stiletto on your man-ish, bulging windpipe.

Fellas ... this is what we're up against.