One of the pioneers of the gender-reveal party, the popular trend for announcing a baby’s gender through some form of stunt, has said is it time to “re-evaluate” the practice and that her own daughter had begun to explore her gender and defy gender norms.

Jenna Karvunidis, 39, explained that in 2008, she baked a cake with pink icing inside to reveal the gender of her daughter to her friends and family, never realizing that her concept would be replicated countless times over the next decade.

“For me, it was a milestone,” she said. “I had had several miscarriages. It was like, ‘Oh yay, I’m finally at a point in my pregnancy where I know if it’s a boy or a girl’ rather than ‘Let’s saddle this kid with a whole identity’. I don’t think anybody was thinking like that in 2008.”

She ran a blog at the time, and wrote about the party there as well as on an online forum. The pregnancy magazine, the Bump, interviewed Karvunidis and did a story about the party. “Then I started noticing people having the same party,” she said.

Eleven years and three kids later, Karvunidis thinks “people have to re-evaluate”.

“It started to take a turn,” she said, mentioning one over-the top reveal party that sparked a forest fire. “Then I started to realize that nonbinary people and trans people were feeling affected by this, and I started to feel bad that I had released something bad into the world.”

Her own daughter, now 10, also began to teach Karvunidis about the nuances of gender. Her daughter feels more comfortable in suits and blazers than in dresses, and sometimes prefers to wear her hair short.

“I’m letting her lead me,” Karvunidis said. “She has her opinions about there being many genders and she is informing me about things. She was biologically born a female and she is still ‘she’ and ‘her’ and says she’s a girl, but she is still doing things her way.”

Parents should approach gender in the way that Karvunidis has with her daughter, understanding that no matter what gender the child is born with, “their gender may evolve or change”, said Honey Mahogany, an activist and co-founder of San Francisco’s Compton Transgender Cultural District.

“I think when we celebrate the gender of a child, I think there are some assumptions made about what that child’s life will be like, what their interests will be, what kind of clothes or colors they’ll prefer,” Mahogany said. “I think it does call into question why we have these gender-reveal parties.”

Karvunidis posted her new opinion about gender-reveal parties on social media after someone called her the “inventor” of the trend on Twitter. “I put ‘inventor’ in quotes because I was probably the tipping point,” she said. “I think people have been celebrating finding out their baby’s gender since ultrasounds were invented.”

She has already begun to receive hate online from people who believe there are only two genders, and she wanted to make it clear that she wasn’t stopping anyone from having their own party.

Her only message is that “gender isn’t the most important thing about a person to begin with”.

“Let your kids just be who they are.” she said. “If you enjoy having a party, there’s no stopping that. Parents get enough flak as it is, and I’m not trying to stop anyone from having a good time. But maybe not setting up such an expectation, that’s all. And maybe not setting off fireworks and burning down a forest.”