Tears flowing, makeup running, hearts breaking, cats watching their owner make a fool of themselves on TV? Must be bachelor season. I had some trouble capturing my feelings from the premiere. It was good but not great, awkward but not over the top, humorous but not hilarious. Maybe it’s more my fault for having such high expectations. I just couldn’t help but feel something was missing. In case you haven’t heard, Ben Higgins is our bachelor this year. He is visited by the 3 duds (ghosts) of Bachelor’s past: Shawn (got married to Catherine), Jason (picked one girl and then changed his mind and married the runner up), and Chris (picked the girl he didn’t want because the one he did (she’s in this episode) didn’t want him). Not necessarily the 3 people you want giving you advice, but at least they have all Ben (last one I swear) in the same position. The only thing I can remember is that Chris told him to make out with as many as you can. How did that go for you Chris? After they finish bro ing out Ben and Chris Harrison are at the bachelor house ready to get things started. Harrison gives him a few words of encouragement/freaks him out and here come the limos.

The limo intros (Limtros) are one of the biggest highlights of the entire season. Each girl gets out trying to look like a million bucks, some bring weird props, the bachelor always turns around and says things like how lucky they are and can’t believe how many came here just for him. I won’t cover them all because a lot are hi my name is desperate hoe number X, I can’t wait to see you inside. But some are more memorable. The first one of note is Mandi. She has a giant rose on her head and claims that she is the first impression rose. That might have been the most normal thing she did all night. Next up is is Caila. She runs and jumps in his arms. Nothing out of the ordinary, but earlier in the episode they always highlight a couple of girls and show them working or hanging out at home. Caila was one of those girls, and she said something along the lines of her breaking up with her boyfriend when she found out Ben was the bachelor. How much puss is at your disposal if girls will break up with their boyfriend just because you announce that you’re single? Ben was also presented with a pair of twins that emerged from the limo. Just about everyone had one of two things go through their head; I wonder if they are into 3 ways, does anyone else remember that twins commercial:

Jami is Canadian and mentions that she knows last year’s bachelorette Kaitlyn. She jokes that it’s because all Canadians know each other. Since you not only come to the blog for entertainment purposes I will throw in some trivia in that 90% of all Canadians live within 100 miles of the US/Canadian border.

Lace is up next and Lace is not one we will soon forget. If you look back at my initial preview for these chicks you’ll see that I wrote this about Lace: ‘ I’m really getting a Kelsey vibe from this one. You remember Kelsey, the girl that needed to share her dead husband’s story. If Lace could be anyone she answered herself, only richer. I’m willing to bet that Lace doesn’t have very many girl friends and just can’t figure out why.’ If Kelsey didn’t kill her husband my money is on Lace. She tells Ben to close his eyes and she kisses him. Lace is very pretty and might be psychotic but she mumbles when she talks. I think it might be because her teeth get in the way:

More on her as the night unfolds.

Next up is Lauren R, but only the audience is privy to that information. In her haste in telling Ben she is a stalker she forgets to say her name. He asks several times and she either ignores him, doesn’t hear him, or is too busy wondering how many grandkids they are going to have. Other than the bachelor when else is it ok to let someone that won’t tell you their name and knows everything about you into a house? The next girl spoke entirely in Russian. We didn’t hear one word of English from her the entire episode. Never thought that strategy would work but she somehow ended up with a rose at the end of the night. I bet she would have been real impressed had he hit her up with this:

Будете ли вы принять этот розу?

As many people know, the bachelor franchise usually gets criticized for not having enough people of culture on this show, and those that are brought on usually don’t make it very far. This season ended up being no different as we saw yet another walk out the door far too soon. I am of course talking about the ginger:

All jokes aside I was pulling for Laura. She was one of the few that seemed down to earth and possibly a little funny. But seeing a ginger make it past the first night is about as likely as having a unicorn show up. Speaking of:

That would be Jo-Jo. She made some awful fairy tale joke after freaking Ben out.

Megan brought a mini horse. Hope she returned it to Rob and Big after the show:

Rachel came in on what the kids are calling a hover board. It went a little better than Gob trying to get around at the Bluth construction site:

By they way, can we think of a different name for “hoverboard”? We all know it’s not hovering. It has wheels. It will now be known as wheelieboard (working title).

That sums up the entrances. After the last girl headed in, Ben decided to try and make himself even more endearing and called up his parents and tell them he thinks he has a great group of girls. He is later joined by Becca who finished second on Chris Soules season and Amber who finished it doesn’t matter. Girls get upset and it’s just kind of whatever. These two will be addressed in future posts.

When Ben arrives the ladies applaud and complement him profusely. He starts to give his little speech about finding love and can’t wait to take this journey and before he finishes Mandi the flower girl grabs him and takes off. She isn’t messing around. Mandi is a dentist and therefore has no choice but to give Ben an oral examination. She tells him to open wide and all I can think about are how wide apart her tits are from the cast photo.

Mandi also look like a certain celebrity. If they had several surgeries botched:

(I love how much Heather Graham hates bras)

You can’t really tell from just this picture, but you’ll notice it right away when you watch, if you haven’t already.

So we need to hand out the first impression rose. This is both a blessing and a curse. Sure, you are likely to be around for a while if chosen to get that coveted flower, but I don’t think anyone has ever won after getting it. It’s kind of like the Par 3 tournament they have at the Masters each year. Yeah it’s cool to win, but no one has ever gone on to win the Masters after winning the Par 3. This year our (un)lucky golfer is Olivia. She told Ben that she quit her job as a news anchor to come find love. I’ve got some late breaking news to Olivia:

That was retarded

Rose ceremony time. Most of whom you’d expect to get a rose got one. We get down to the last one and our good friend Lace is freaking out. She ends up getting the last rose, but she isn’t happy. Immediately afterwards she pulls Ben aside and tells him she did not get enough eye contact at the ceremony. Lace is one of those that needs constant affirmation. Ben, as nicely as you possibly can asks her what the fuck she is talking about. If I’m Ben I ask to see her rose and I snap it in half over my knee like Bo fucking Jackson does to baseball bats:

There you have it. Another premiere in the books. I’m still 50/50 on how good this season is going to play out. They showed some previews on what to expect this season but I don’t like speculating. So for all those girls that didn’t get a rose:

See you next week

- Nick