Story 2 in the Long Distance Love Series

1. What is your long distance situation?

I met Colin at a Super Bowl party – we were both there with friends of friends, and I fell fast and hard for him. Just ask my mom, who I called the next day to walk her through every single tiny detail of how we met, what he was like, what we talked about, how he wrapped his arm around me, how we exchanged numbers… We went on our first date that Friday. We went on our second date the next day, and that’s when we decided that we were going to start dating officially.

Our long distance situation is a little different from many other LDRs – Colin is a merchant marine (or a commercial sailor, as I tell people since I think it’s a little easier to understand) and for his job, he goes out on the ship for 10 weeks at a time, and then comes home for 10 weeks at a time. When he’s at work, he’s working 8-10 hours a day, literally every day, doing anything from navigating the ship to safety inspection to cargo. When he’s home, he is literally just home; he doesn’t have to report to anywhere or sign in for anything – he mostly just has to go to the gym and spend time with the people he cares about (including me!). We started living together about six months ago, and we’re now in the second cycle of his home-then-work schedule since then.

On top of that, I also travel for work. I am a marketing manager for a scientific publisher, and my company attends ten to twelve scientific conferences annually so that we, as a publisher, have an opportunity to interact with our readers and authors, be present in the community, and see the trends the community is the most excited about. I go to about 8 meetings every year, and so I’m also on the road a fair amount. Sometimes our travels even overlap – I’m not sure why, but the last two times that Colin has gone back to work on the ship I’ve left a few days ahead of him for a conference. Such funny timing!

I met Colin shortly after he started sailing, so our relationship has always been this way, and I think will stay this way for the foreseeable future. He loves his job and what he does. I love my job and what I do. When we’re together, we make room for quality time. When we’re apart, we make room for quality time. It’s different, but it works for us, and I don’t think I would choose anything else at this stage in our lives.

2. What do you find the most challenging?

I think the challenges have evolved as our relationship has evolved. When we first started dating, the hardest part was when he left; it’s easy to feel insecure in a new relationship, and even easier when you’re partner is oceans and time zones away from you. You have to build a clear level of communication and trust with a person who you don’t see everyday, and that can be really hard. I think for us, we knew we were invested in our relationship, so building a strong partnership where we could truly understand each other and support each other was always a priority for us, even more so when Colin was back at work. It’s hard to build a new routine where you’re both doing different things in different places, and that’s definitely something we’ve gotten better at over the years. Now, I still miss Colin a lot when he’s gone, but we’ve got a rhythm and a toolkit, and that definitely helps.

I think honestly the thing that never stops being hard is the time difference. Depending on where Colin is in the world, he could only be awake while I’m asleep, or while I’m at work, or we only catch each other for an hour or two in between. It’s hardest when you’re having one of those moments where you need the other person – because you have a family emergency, you’re having a bad day, or you just got really exciting news – and for whatever reason they’re not present or reachable and you have to go at it alone. Those moments are absolutely the hardest because you know if there was anything your partner could do to be there, they would, even if it’s just over Facebook Messenger. I think what has always kept me grounded in those moments is that I truly know Colin would be there if he could, and that even when he’s gone, I am never alone because I have such a strong support network in our family and friends.

3. What form of communication do you use the most and why?

When Colin is on the ship, we talk near constantly because he’s literally in the middle of the ocean. He doesn’t have phone service, so we have to rely primarily on wifi and web-based messenger apps. Of all the ones we’ve used, Facebook Messenger is actually the most reliable one (even more than iMessage, which we also both have). Even better than that, Facebook Messanger added a call feature over the last year, and that works significantly better than Skype, Viber, or any of the other web-based calling apps, and it has revolutionized how we are able to stay in touch. (Thanks, Mark Zuckerberg!) Ironically, when Colin is home, we actually don’t message that much – I’m much more likely to call him on the phone, or even just wait until we’re both in the same place if I want to talk to him about something.

4. What is the biggest adjustment from being long distance to living together?

Well, we’re in a cyclical state of being long distance to living together, so I think we must always be adjusting! When he first moved in, I think the biggest transition was having him here all the time. During the beginning of our relationship, Colin lived with his family about an hour away from me, so anytime we saw each other it was like a special occasion. Now when he’s home we live together, and I think at first we were lulled into taking the fact that we were always together for granted. There were also pieces of our lives that we could kind of keep separate before – my crazy schedule working full time and being a full time student, his regular “bro-time” with is brother, my 5:30 AM gym class, his 12:00 midnight video game sessions – that now we’re just always in the middle of. It can be tricky sometimes, but I think in the most wonderful way.

When Colin left for the first time after we moved in together, this was a huge adjustment for me because I was living alone for the first time ever. Every time before, I always had roommates to keep me company. Colin’s leaving is something I always feel in my heart, but it became a real physical reality the first time I came home from work and he was not sitting on the couch waiting for me. There are moments when it’s really hard. There are also moments where it’s really wonderful – he’ll be on the ship, and I’ll text him a picture of furniture or art I’m looking to get for our apartment. Everyday, I get to see simple reminders of him – like his shoes in the entryway, or his clothes in the closet. Even when he’s gone, it’s such a comfort to know that this is the home we share together, and he’ll be back in it with me soon.

5. Do you think there are advantages to long distance? If so, what are they?

I think there are some distinct advantages to having the sort of long distance arrangement that we do. For us, I think the main benefit is that it gives both of us the space to do the things we’re passionate about. Colin has always wanted to be in sailing, and he loves his job. I’m right now doing double duty working full time and getting a graduate degree in the publishing industry. It’s a benefit to have a partner who understands that work is work is work, and who doesn’t see that as a threat to the relationship.

Colin and I are both independent people, and I think our arrangement now lets us be independent in a way that is good for us as individuals and as a couple. We each have strong individual relationships with our friends and family, and in our arrangement, we get to keep those to a certain degree; although we both get such immense joy from seeing all of the people we love getting to know each other, which is why we always invite at least twenty people to come to our parties.

That being said, I think we can both imagine a “one day” where we’re both home all the time, building a life and a family together. And that day will come. And it will have its ups and its downs. Just like the days we have now, but in a different way.

6. What key piece of advice would you give to people in LDRs or considering an LDR?

Just because you aren’t in the same place, doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t growing and changing. I think this was something that it took us a long time to come to terms with – you don’t hit the “pause” button just because you’re not together.

Also, I feel like I tell people about Colin and my relationship all the time, and the response is always, “I could never do that.” And that’s okay. I could never date someone who didn’t respect family, who wasn’t ambitious but still considerate, who wouldn’t hold my hand in public. We all have our things. It’s just making sure you are in the situation that makes you both the happiest, safest, and most fulfilled you could be.