not a very private struggle, my path to some redemption recently diagnosed Borderline after being diagnosed with anxiety disorder/anorexia/depression/mania/disassociative disorder/PTSD

i wish to be an advocate for all the complex passionate raving, 110% people

/who are trying to live sane lives and finding it beyond a challenge

—-

grateful me, for my intellect.

and whatever human support i still have from others

it is easy to distance yourself from me, I know. chaos on two feet. I can only escape myself through sleep. oh, so many substances have been given over the years. prescribed

self medication, hiding/isolating reducing contact so I don’t

freak ppl out and get all geared up, as is my deal.

alcohol and drugs add fuel to my mania,

they do not slow it down.

focus and purpose take that chaotic energy & funnel it into amazing things,

I am a human megaphone, I am pulling myself from the ditch

ADVOCACY

is vital. i want ppl to understand, i do because

it is lonely hiding my main truth,

it is frustrating &empty

I am working with a new psych doctor

and I am determined to find myself before I am gone

i know it is hard to like me, I am not a likable person, i am no longer fun.

i have plowed through every status of human indignity.

so I know that even when I am doing not so good

i am doing better.

but better for me is still wild for others

the struggle is real, the planes which exist in my mind are true,

they are abstract & relevant and when I am there, others do not understand where I have gone.

an eccentric nerd who fell

and I am climbing ,,

trying to find myself again,

ppl cannot help but wonder of me

& always after meeting me say “wow, she is really strange””

i am. but I am honest

and will give you 100%

or nothing at all.

i develop aversions, i have pathologic avoidance, I hide

or I rocket off & leave chaos in my wake

i didn’t ask to be this way, I wish to be a woman of great grace

& charm. i am a fire alarm.

i am a protagonist & shaker upper .

agitation when my zeal has no focal point –

the doctor is medicating me, of course

Lamictal is FDA approved

as an anticonvulsant & an antipsychotic

used to control ‘brain on fire’ … mania

i hope to find peace before i am gone

but this road began when I was 2 or 3,

I remember it all

the tiny person with angst so severe she couldn’t even pee.

” jesus died for me? i must be terrible, a horror.

i haven’t done anything at all but i must have?

what a road on which to place someone so deeply feeling.

i have resentment as to how i was ‘managed’ as a child & teen .

I have resentment toward those who wound me up and then left me,

pulled the rug out, gave me no direction,

gave me ultimatums when all I needed was love & care.

those who left me. those who let me flounder,

untested, unprepared,

it is a memory of much piteous woe

and i was passed around from taker to taker,

losing every shred of dignity,

every shred of me. all by the time I was 21.

i thought of suicide last night, not a new thought, no.

there are many days i think of ending things,

i imagine it all gone, finally quiet, finally resolved, no more blame,

no more remorse; just gone

my dogs would not understand, my people would.

although I am screaming for help,

those within arms reach

do not comfort, they isolate.

there is so much comfort

needed but it is awkward for everyone

b/c i am unpredictable.

and clingy, needy toward any love, i know.

and so i turn to xanax and the bed and wine and canines,

my solace and the beating of hearts

the literature posits that those with Borderline Mania do not or cannot

form healthy relationships

anyone who thought they were my friend .. has found that i am something of a bitch,

an asshole. a needy asshole

, i don’t know why,

do i have no words for love ?

the four humans who care about me

are not near me, perhaps that’s why they remain somewhat healthy, these relationships.

anyone who spends time day after day with me is fed up, exhausted, no longer carrying a zeal for my wellness.

avoidance is how they survive.

not the dogs, no. they bring out the very very best in me. but everyone else, hey. i get it.

i am forever sorry. so sorry

i wish to be focused but I am fragmented & on fire, racing off at high speeds

thinking of two hundred things at once.

there have been situations in my life where that applied

tears and emotions well inside even now, for I was there.

I Was There

and now I am not.

yes, I am partially responsible for my sickness,

my disease

Focused mania had exhausted me,

without the balance of real rest.

I sought it, I took time off,

sincerely trying to give myself the gift of peace;

the pedal had been to the metal for so many years, i finally seized,

my body made me stop. and stop I did, for fifteen long years

42 months now opiate free. but still without a defined self image

still riding the tachometer

on the Red.

still too many neural explosions

in my head. perhaps I should be institutionalized,

I don’t think so but who knows?

i cannot focus on getting better b/c I don’t know where to go.

Zugezogen Maskulin artwork