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Since 2006, the phrase “Canada’s international reputation” has been uttered 132 times in the House of Commons.

The Conservatives mention how a particular aerospace factory or anti-terrorism bill will “enhance” our reputation, and the opposition counters with the kaleidoscope of ways the Tories are “tarnishing” our global reputation.

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To wit, Canada’s reputation is being sullied by everything from signing trade deals with Honduras to disbanding the Canadian Wheat Board to insufficient refugee intake to changing the name of the Canadian Museum of Civilization to the Canadian Museum of History.

Chances are good you won’t hear “peacekeeping honest broker” or even “merciless oil baron.” Instead, you’ll get: “Rob Ford,” “cold,” “like America but better”

Worrying what the world’s 7.26 billion non-Canadians think of us is a noble pursuit, but this classic Canadian argument suffers from a fatal flaw: Nobody actually cares about our frigid country of 35 million.

Many people know that Canada exists, to be sure, but they think of us the same way we think of Scandinavia or South Africa: Vaguely aware of the highlights—Nelson Mandela, giraffes, those guys who sang on Paul Simon’s Graceland—but not particularly bothered with the details.