Refusing to be bullied by big-city types like Ben Affleck, the small town of Iran has rustled up a lawyer and begun preparing to sue all of Hollywood for its “unrealistic portrayal” in Argo, an exploitation that constitutes the worst abuse ever seen in Iran. According to the Associated Press, Isabelle Coutant-Preyere—the French Matlock who defends downtrodden little people like Carlos The Jackal—is currently meeting with officials in Tehran to determine “how and where” to file a lawsuit over the film, which Iran’s culture minister recently denounced as “an advertisement for the CIA” and, even more cutting, “a very weak film from an artistic perspective.” (“Don’t even get me started on how Ben Affleck always makes sure to shoot a scene where he takes his shirt off,” he added, presumably.)


And while, historically, American affronts on Iran have been handled out of court through civil means such as bombings and hostage crises, Argo was apparently one step over the line, setting off the “nuclear option” of filing a lawsuit. As the AP notes, should the case go to trial, Iran could also cite precedent of Hollywood’s long lineage of insults to Iran, including its portrayal in movies like 300 and The Wrestler, which it believes stoked inflammatory sentiment against a bunch of humble Iranian folks—folks from a country where values are… different. “They just wanted to farm their uranium, plot the annihilation of the Zionist regime, and prepare for war against the Great Satan America in peace, and you slick Hollywood types had to come in with your movies and make them out to be a bunch of jerks,” Coutant-Preyere will surely say in her closing arguments, as a hangdog Ben Affleck looks on.