The only story is that nobody wants the gig. If I'm going to take a job in which I'm better than even money to be indicted 30 seconds after I sit down at my desk, there had better be billions of dollars and a flight to a non-extradition country written into the deal. This job is so bad that not even Newt Gingrich's ego says it necessarily wants it.

From, god help me, Fox News:

Speaking on “Fox & Friends,” Gingrich said he and his wife Callista were merely there looking at the Christmas decorations. He noted the press spotted him and “that promptly jumped to ‘Oh, are you being interviewed?’ “No, I was actually just wandering around looking at decorations,” he insisted. “… I was there as an American citizen looking at one of the most famous of American buildings." But that doesn’t mean the loquacious Washington figure doesn’t have some advice for President Trump, as he scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing Chief of Staff John Kelly.

“I don’t think you can ever impose order on Donald Trump. He is a unique entrepreneurial personality,” Gingrich, a Fox News contributor, said, but added the chief of staff pick must have a “very strong-willed personality.” A “weaker person,” he counseled, will lose control of the building.

From what I've seen of the Christmas decorations, somebody already lost control of the building, but never mind.

Gingrich speaks with Trump during his own run for president in 2012. Spencer Platt Getty Images

As you will note, Gingrich isn't denying that he would take the job if offered. (He says he's "not under consideration," but that's meaningless because there is substantial reporting to the effect that nobody is.) But I think that would be too much of a Christmas miracle even by the standards of the Hallmark Channel. The Definer of Civilization's Rules and Leader (perhaps) of the civilizing forces, a politician so brilliant and deft that he couldn't manage a one-car funeral, trying to impose order on Camp Runamuck and its leader, the super-dealmaker who can be bargained into bankruptcy by any chicken that can play tic-tac-toe, would be a collision of underachieving egomaniacs so profound as to knock planets out of orbit.

My money is still on David Bossie, the Emperor Ratfcker who rose from playing dirty-tricks in Arkansas to getting the Supreme Court to write extravagantly financed ratfcking into the First Amendment. Rats of a feather fck rats together, after all.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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