NELLIS AFB, NV – Airmen in the 57th Wing at Nellis Air Force Base learned a valuable lesson this week when Chief Master Sergeant Tate Watson, the wing command chief, convened an emergency enlisted All Call to address the recent rash of suicides that have rocked the wing.

“I’m just going to say it straight up,” the Chief began to the packed base auditorium, “Stop accidentally hanging yourselves while jerking off.”

The Chief’s blunt statement came on the heels of three strikingly similar suicides within the last four months, in which each victim, all young male Airmen, had apparently stripped naked and hung themselves in their dorm rooms. Each suicide had been followed by a flurry of mandatory suicide awareness training for the entire wing, but after the third suicide the Chief decided that brutal honesty about the real cause of deaths was the only way to stop the epidemic.

“I know you’ve all heard that oxygen deprivation can enhance sexual arousal while masturbating, but it’s not worth the risks. If you feel differently, ask those three dead Airmen if they’d rather have the best single-handed sex of their lives, or their actual lives back,” said Watson. “Or ask David Carradine and that guy from INXS!”

The Chief followed up his opening statements with a detailed slide show that included illustrations of what autoerotic asphyxiation was and tips on how to masturbate safely, and finally a locally-produced video where one Airman schools another about the dangers of “Auto-A”:

[Transcript of Video Excerpt] Airman 1: Gee, I’ve sure been feeling lonely since my girlfriend dumped me. (To Airman 2, in hushed tones) Hey, I heard that Auto-A is a great way to get over my loneliness. Have you heard of it? Airman 2: I sure have heard of it – I’ve heard it’s pretty deadly! Losing your life while having an amazing orgasm is a disservice to your fellow Airmen, the Air Force, and your country! A real patriot would never choke himself while choking the chicken. (Airman 2 puts arm around Airman 1’s shoulders) Come on, I’ll be your Wingman for safe masturbation. (They walk towards the horizon as the Air Force Song swells behind them. Fade to black) [End Transcript]

During the question-and-answer session, a woman asked how any of this was relevant to the female population. Chief Watson replied that female Auto-A was possible and went into graphic detail of exactly how it could be done. He also noted that female Auto-A was a major plot point in the 1993 Wesley Snipes/Sean Connery thriller “Rising Sun”. There were no follow-up questions, and the All Call adjourned in stunned silence.

A staff sergeant, who was friends with one of the victims and asked to remain anonymous, later voiced his reaction to the All Call:

“Man, all this time I’ve been beating myself up, looking back and asking myself what signs I missed that my friend was suicidal. Now I see he was just really horny.” He also made a note to himself to rent the movie “Rising Sun”.