LOS ANGELES—In a sign that the world has finally passed you by, sources confirmed Monday that this year’s 2019 MTV Video Music Awards featured an endless stream of people you don’t know, you withered corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead and rotting in the dirt. “Tonight, the world honors singers and bands you’ve never heard of, whose names will be mere static in your mind, you shriveled husk,” said the hundreds of howling voices in your head, echoing louder and louder as you desperately grasp for a single familiar name, face, or shape as you begin your inexorable slide into oblivion. “Even those receiving lifetime achievement awards will not trigger a glimmer of recognition in your vacant eyes. You do not know any of these people this year, you will not know any of these people next year, and you will never know any of these people ever again.” At press time, the darkness was closing in as the word “Lizzo” lingered in the air, but you will not comprehend what it means as the foul hands of death pull you down, down, down.

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