Self Abuse News: Gaffe prone US Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has announced plans to stop speaking in public and will instead focus on silently masturbating on stage.

Romney – who recently described 47% of American as ‘victims’ – has a long history of saying really stupid shit, a factor which has no doubt prompted this change in campaign direction.

“It’s fair to say that Mitt has some engagement issues,” said Romney’s campaign manager Woodrow W. Thrupp. “Namely when he opens his mouth people stop engaging with him.”

“It’s for this reason we’ve decided to adopt a bold new ‘no more talking’ strategy – instead of appearing in public and speaking, Mitt will just stand there, quietly touching his genitals and trying to avoid eye contact with anyone.”

It’s hoped the silent on-stage masturbation will avoid any future spoken gaffes from the former Governor of Massachusetts – as well as keeping his hands busy so he doesn’t write something equally fucking stupid on Facebook or Twitter.

Story: Simon Swatman