× Expand A white board at the Madison Police Department’s Central Precinct shows ideas for dealing with problems on State Street.

Unlimited heroin laced with fentanyl. Frequent carpet bombing. Sprinklers that shoot out pepper spray. These ideas for dealing with problems at the top of State Street were scrawled on a white board inside the Madison Police Department’s Central Precinct.

The State Street corner is a frequent hangout for people who are homeless and a nexus of complaints from merchants and others. Isthmus obtained a photo of the white board via an anonymous source on Monday; the police department verified its authenticity Tuesday.

The “brainstorming” list starts with what appears to be serious ideas for dealing with the trouble spot: a sidewalk cafe for Ian’s Pizza and Teddywedgers; removing the short wall that runs parallel to the Wisconsin Veterans Museum; decorative spikes being installed on planters; putting in sculptures not conducive to sitting.

From there, the suggestions devolve into cruel humor: planting poison oak, poison sumac, wild parsnip and thorny bushes; Burmese tiger pits; quicksand; an official crying-baby location; swarming bees; a city compost site; turkey buzzards and turning the top of State Street into an “organic lava flow.”

Madison police Lt. Brian Austin says what started as a sincere attempt to find solutions became “a poor attempt at a joke.”

“The intent of whoever started the list was to get input from people on some strategies we can deploy up there to help reduce the problems,” says Austin. “Obviously, someone felt the need to add something [to the list] that was not a legitimate suggestion.”

Austin says the department is investigating the incident. Depending on the circumstances, there could be consequences for the officers or employees responsible for the “joke,” but he adds that he doesn’t know what those repercussions could be.

The whiteboard was erased on Monday, Aug. 22, after the derisive comments had been added over the previous weekend, according to Central District Capt. Carl Gloede and Austin. Gloede says he was unaware of the list until shown the photo by Isthmus.

This summer, police have been cracking down on “bad behavior” in what the list referred to as “Tinkertoy Park,” perhaps a reference to the public art there. Austin says individuals who gather in the area continue to draw daily complaints from business owners and people who work downtown.

“[Officers] do their best to help folks and aren’t just up there for enforcement,” says Austin. “They are extremely dedicated.”

The police are “working really hard to offer real solutions in a very challenging environment,” Austin adds. “The things at the bottom of the list are not the values we support. These are not the solutions we are looking for or proposing.”