Sports Talk Radio Callers Address Local Baseball Team’s Pitching Deficiency at the Trade Deadline

HOST: As we near the trade deadline, rumors swirling about who the Birds might try to get. Will they pick up a starting pitcher for the pennant run? Let’s go to the phones. Donnie from Dundalk, you’re on 105.7 The Fan.

DONNIE FROM DUNDALK: Hey, my thing is, why don’t they just go out and get a good starting pitcher? Thanks for taking my call, and I’ll take my answer on the air.

HOST: Well, it’s pretty simple, Donnie. There are only a handful of decent starting pitchers available and just about every team wants them. So it’s a supply-and-demand thing. Not enough quality arms to go around, and the ones that are available are very expensive.

DONNIE: Right. I think they should get what’s-his-name, from Chicago.

HOST: If you’re talking about Chris Sale, Chicago has said repeatedly they’re not selling him, no matter what.

DONNIE: Yeah, him. I think they should go get him.

HOST: Chicago’s not selling him, Donnie.

DONNIE: I think they should do a trade for him.

HOST: OK. Well, teams are asking for a heavy price. What do you suggest the Birds do? Trade their All-Star centerfielder and their All-Star catcher and half their bullpen?

DONNIE: Perfect.

HOST: I was kidding. What I just proposed is unreasonable.

DONNIE: Sounds pretty cut-and-dried to me, buddy. So, hey, listen, I was thinking, while they’re at it, why don’t they get two good starting pitchers?

HOST: That’s really, really unreasonable. That would cost something like, I don’t know, eight hundred million dollars.

DONNIE: Bingo. Let’s do it. Great show.

HOST: OK, next caller. Fred from Aberdeen. Talk some sense to me, buddy.

FRED FROM ABERDEEN: Why don’t we send some boys out to Chicago, drug that good pitcher they got, and put him in a truck back to Baltimore?

HOST: Um, OK. We’re talking felonies now. Next caller. Damon from Catonsville.

DAMON: One word: Clones.

HOST: Patrick from Remington, go, buddy.

PATRICK FROM REMINGTON: I think they should buy one of those pitching machines and throw it out there on the mound and crank it up to like fuckin’ infinity, man.

HOST: Jesus Christ, language, people. Stacie from Washington.

STACIE FROM WASHINGTON: I’ve been thinking about these pitchers who shoot laser-beam baseballs.

HOST: It sounded like you said “laser-beam baseballs.”

STACIE: Yeah. They got them over in Japan.

HOST: No, they don’t.

STACIE: I read about it on the internet.

HOST: Where on the internet?

STACIE: Japanese internet.

HOST: Do you read Japanese?

STACIE: No, and I’ll take my answer off the air.

HOST: You didn’t ask a question. Jamal from West Baltimore. Go, please.

JAMAL FROM WEST BALTIMORE: I wanted to get in on this laser thing.

HOST: What the last caller, just 10 seconds ago, was talking about?

JAMAL: Yeah, my thing is, I think the laser-beam baseballs should be on fire.

HOST: How—what am I saying?—how is that even possible?

JAMAL: And the baseballs should be invisible.

HOST: Matt from Stoneleigh.

MATT FROM STONELEIGH: The pitchers should be invisible.

HOST: Jill from Arbutus.

JILL FROM ARBUTUS: Pitchers who can do mind control.

HOST: Magan from Mount Vernon, talk some sense, please. Please.

MAGAN FROM MOUNT VERNON: I don’t have anything to say about trades, but I wanted to say something about strategy.

HOST: Finally, some sense. What do you got, Magan.

MAGAN: You know how in that movie Stand by Me how that fat guy drinks the poison and throws up on everyone at the pie-eating contest?

HOST: OK, yeah. But what does that have to do—

MAGAN: I think the Birds should do that.

HOST: You want the Birds to throw up on the other team?

MAGAN: Oh, no, that would be crazy.

HOST: Oh, wow. Good. I was thinking you meant—

MAGAN: They should poison the other teams, is what I meant.

HOST: What is happening?

MAGAN: I don’t know how to make this any clearer.

HOST: You’re still on the air?!

MAGAN: Fuck yeah, I am.

HOST: I’m out of ideas with you people. This is very dangerous territory. Let’s take one more call. Kenny from Park Heights, you’re on 105.7 The Fan, or what’s left of it. I shudder to ask, but what’s on your mind?

KENNY FROM PARK HEIGHTS: What a bunch of callers, huh?

HOST: You’re telling me, pal. I think I might be out of a job.

KENNY: Well, I think you got a great show there.

HOST: Thank you.

KENNY: But my thing is, who says we need pitchers at all?

HOST: Christ on a stick.

KENNY: You know where I’m going with this.

HOST: I really don’t.

KENNY: A lefty.

HOST: A left-hander, yes, would be a good addition. Thanks for the sanity, Kenny.

KENNY: You didn’t let me finish.

HOST: Oh, no.

KENNY: A lefty hologram. Very hard to hit.

HOST: Let’s take a break. Next up, what do the Ravens need to upgrade to compete in a competitive football division? I see the phones are already lit up. Please help me.