

Download the MP3 | Watch the Video

The man who taught me how to fight, Sean’s wedding story, the redaction of a lifetime, false HR complaints, Twitch addiction, Sean’s most recent fist fight, Asterios’ Butterbean training regimen, Uber pools, Reverend Scott, compliance, phone calls with dogs, my man is moving to Abu Dhabi, Don’t Legalize It, Van Halen, The Goss Squad, Fool’s Liquor Round 2, sharing, crying, and like ten hours of podcasting; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

When Asterios comes into town, the only thing I remember is a blur of drinking and smoking and podcasting, as a screaming, scheming tornado of booze-swilling and spilling and shilling tears through my house with a cigarette in one hand and a moonshine jar of cranberry juice and something in the other filled all the way to the meniscus. I pass out to the fevered, five-minute sermons of a meta-madman bellowing from the basement like the minotaur that is his namesake: a Ducktales/Smurfs cross-over, a directors cut of Ghost where Patrick Swayze gets cucked, what if Lemongrab was running for president of the Asterios fan club? This is the hardest working man in whatever that is called. I dream of swimming against a river of tequila as I’m dragged toward an abyss; the huge and guffawing maw of a grinning Santa Claus-like demon roaring gibberish as it forgets the words to its royalty-free MIDI track playing in the background and consuming everything in sight. We do several shows and I don’t remember where any of it begins or ends. Then there’s an entire day of sleeping, and in the morning, Asterios is gone, leaving only an infographic as a reminder that he will be back, but first…

How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight? A lot, is the correct answer. What you won’t know is how easily breakable everything important on your body is, or how it feels to need puke out your skeleton after bouncing around like a child for 60 seconds while trying not to get knocked the fuck out, and you still have two minutes to go–and that’s if you’re fighting fair! If you’re not fighting fair, like if you’re calling someone’s work and filing fake complaints with their Human Resources department, who knows what you learn about yourself, but we all learn a lot about you. We’ll get to that kind of fight tomorrow.

In this episode, I try to convince Asterios to train for his upcoming bout with /u/WarOfTheFanBoys, but he’s having none of it. For the record, I continued to try and talk him out of his Suicide by Exhaustion while we watched all six Rocky movies at the same time, for training purposes, and did a commentary track for the next installment of Dicktation, available exclusively through The Dick Show Patreon. I think we had different take-aways from those movies, but we both agreed that Larry Merchant killed the franchise.

I also complain about Twitch, but only because I’m addicted to it. Sports, Movies, maybe not even porn can compete with the satisfaction of watching some poor nameless bastard fuck up a stupid-impossible Super Mario Maker level for three hours straight, and then rage quit. Or a guy playing Zelda without using a sword, and get to the very end, and then rage quit because he ran out of keys. Or a guy get all the way to the first level of Dr. Wily’s castle in Mega Man and fuck up a glitch warp and lose his world-record beating pace by a half a second and then rage quit. It’s an endless parade of sacrifices to the gods of frustration that someone else can suffer for us, and I’m addicted.

Many things were left unanswered in this episode and Goss Bombs left unexploded. I’ll post Bonus Episode 11 tomorrow on The Dick Show Patreon when we pick up right where we left off. And then the All Rocky Dicktation, and then I’m going to try some new things in the studio.

The Phone Losers send in a spicy prank call that makes me wonder just how far calling random people and pretending to be their boss could take you. Could you fire someone with it? Could you get someone hired with it? Could you do both? I hope someone finds out.

@dickmasterson The line of sean-alikes remind me of a boyband (N'Sync) What if…they're N'SEANC? pic.twitter.com/Ej4YoxtQ0T — Nope.wmv (@sicherpolizei) May 14, 2017

The Dick samurai.



Thumbnail of Brotherhood by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.





Comments

comments