There ain’t no benchslap like a Judge Richard Posner benchslap. When the guy decides to crush the hopes and dreams of some poor sap just trying to make their way in this world with a bad argument and a song, it makes for high art. Like when he trolled the poor state lawyers charged with defending same-sex marriage bans. Or when he put some Jones Day partner through a meat grinder for cutting him off — repeatedly. Every now and then, when he lays down some smack on the always acerbic Justice Scalia, the Earth wobbles a tiny bit in its orbit. The point is, Judge Posner entertains.

But he does so from the perch of an appellate court. Imagine if he had to address the full spectrum of freakshows at the trial level?

Imagine no more, because Judge Posner is presiding over a criminal case as we speak. Thankfully, it’s not some run-of-the-mill drugs case where a man of Judge Posner’s talents will just sit there as some AUSA runs roughshod over some guy. No, Judge Posner landed himself the trial of a pro se so-called “sovereign citizen.” You know, those bats**t looneys who think FEMA is going to build concentration camps as part of the War on Christmas or that the whole judicial system is an elaborately disguised admiralty court (because there’s fringe on American flags or something). Imagine Judge Posner having to deal with this guy.

In this case, the defendant Hakeem El Bey faces charges that he defrauded the Internal Revenue Service. Pretty standard context for sovereign-citizen arguments.

Anyway, I’ve been monitoring the matter for any choice benchslappery. Judge Posner already laid down an order barring El Bey from introducing:

evidence, testimony, or argument regarding the Uniform Commercial Code, the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, admiralty and maritime law, or the Foreign Sovereign Immunities Act. These bodies of law are totally irrelevant to this criminal prosecution. Nor may he argue at trial that this court lacks jurisdiction over him because he is a “sovereign citizen” or citizen of the Cherokee nation (he is in fact a U.S. citizen), that the U.S. Government is a corporation or is insolvent, or that the Internal Revenue Service has been dismantled.

This is the part where I’m supposed to express some heartfelt concern for pro se defendants because of the scourge of mental illness or something like that. Let’s pretend I do that here and get back to making fun of this guy.

El Bey got his slap on the wrist, but a good crackpot theory doesn’t go down that easy. He fired right back with a couple of motions flouting the earlier order and Judge Posner is irked:

He also asserts “Lack of Jurisdiction over the Person (contracted Artificial Subject vs Natural Borne)” — whatever that means. He also asserts that “Queen of England, entered into a Treaty with the Federal Government For the Taxing of Alcoholic beverages and cigarettes sold in America. The Treaty is called—The Stamp Act and in this Act, the Queen ordained that her Subject, the American people, are Exonerated of all other Federal Taxes. So the Federal Income Tax and the State Income Taxes Levied against all Americans is Contrary to an International Treaty and against the Sovereign Orders of the Queen.”

Got to hand it to the whole Don’t Tread On Me, Tea Party, Sovereign Citizen thing — for a bunch of people obsessed with Colonial America, they seem to have zero understanding of it. Professor Posner bringeth the history lesson:

The Stamp Act was enacted by the Parliament of Great Britain in 1765. It did not relieve Americans of any taxes; on the contrary, it imposed a comprehensive tax on the use of paper by Americans. The Act was not a treaty between Britain and the federal government of the United States, for there was no United States; there were just the 13 British colonies that 11 years later declared independence from Great Britain. There were no federal taxes that the Act could have relieved Americans from having to pay. The sovereign of Britain at the time was a King, not a Queen; the King’s wife (Princess Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz) was Great Britain’s Queen but had no governmental authority.

Whichever clerk had to look up “Princess Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz” earned their paycheck because that’s what took this rant over the top.

But El Bey wasn’t done:

The defendant once again asks the Court to dismiss the case for want of jurisdiction, invokes the Uniform Commercial Code and the Foreign Sovereign Immunities Act, and claims that the proper court to hear this case is the Court of International Trade. This filing borders on incoherence, as where it states “This Case Reference to 28 USC-2461, since all Tax Revenue case are done ‘within the Admiralty.’ Court of International Trade is the proper Jurisdiction.

Our old friend Admiralty! El Bey is bringing some pro se A game. He’s seeing a government conspiracy everywhere. Or, at least, everywhere that it really isn’t. If El Bey wanted to hear about a government conspiracy going to laughably heavy-handed lengths to keep the American people in the dark, he could talk to Judge Posner about one of his opinions and a bunch of black highlighters.

Meanwhile, Judge Posner is starting to wonder who he pissed off to get assigned this case.

Justice Scalia doesn’t control N.D. Illinois scheduling, does he?

Go ahead and read the whole thing on the next page….

Earlier: Judge Posner’s Blistering Benchslaps At The Same-Sex Marriage Arguments

The Benchslap Dispatches: I Pity The Fool Who Tries To Talk Over Judge Posner

Posner v. Scalia: Bryan Garner Tags In

The Stupid Pro Se Legal ‘Theory’ Making the Rounds

Pro Se Litigant Starts Yelling At A Judge And It’s All On Video

Someone Really Wants To Shut Up Judge Posner