MESSIER 74 GALAXY—Recoiling in pain after the gravitational vortex tore off a chunk of flesh and bone down to the first knuckle, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly lost the tip of His right index finger Monday in an accident involving an intermediate-mass black hole. “Ah, son of a bitch—Christ, that hurt like a motherfucker,” said the Divine Creator, who sucked blood from the mangled stump as He chastised Himself for not paying closer attention to what He was doing while building a new spiral galaxy. “I knew I should have shut that thing down eons ago. Oh well, the tip of my finger is in there now, so no use trying to get it back. Dammit, now there’s blood all over the universe.” The Lord then wrapped His finger in an excess piece of robe and went off in search of a neutron star to cauterize the wound.

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