STANFORD, CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, top U.S. health experts warned the nation Thursday to hold onto their fucking seats, because this bitch hasn’t even thought about starting yet. “We’ve been getting a lot of questions surrounding Covid-19, and, well, you all better buckle the fuck up, because this shit is about to kick into high gear,” said Stanford professor of health research and policy Richard Mason, throwing all his papers in the air and warning the nation that they better strap in tight, because this motherfucker will knock you on your goddamn ass. “If you think it’s bad now, just fucking wait, because this son of a bitch is gonna go into full-fledged annihilation mode. Seriously, wash your hands, cut off your hands—it doesn’t fucking matter. You poor bastards are going to get absolutely fucking destroyed.” At press time, Mason knocked over his podium, curled up in a ball on the floor, and started screaming, “Steel yourselves!”

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