I have a deep and almost inappropriate love for condiments and I love to share. I combine the passions here. I may chat about other things, but really, are not our writings condiments of our lives?

Once Upon a Time - Condiments, the world's most powerful magic → Once Upon a Time was already a guilty pleasure. Then my boyfriend Rumpelstiltskin had the best line “Condiments are this world’s most powerful magic.” Oh Rumpel. Will the world ever know our true love. What I love about condiments these days is everyone is fetishizing them. Sriracha has been worshipped and ridiculed in the same breath by a variety of movies and tv shows (lately, “Pitch Perfect 2). Truffle salt is now a thing. A big thing. There’s recipes that call for it on Kraft Mac n’ Cheese (well, NOW there is because I thought of it). It’s a staple of our household, but now the normals are embracing it as well. What are the other hip condiments out there? What are the hipsters embracing? Are they going old school and sprinkling everything with MSG because it turns out it has some anti-inflammatory, gluten fighting ingredients that turn it into a trendy superfood? Oh, please god. Please.

These are my photos from my night at Harmontown Seattle! It was a great night and Happy 18th Birthday to Kaylene who kicked ass! And to Lazy Woodworker who makes beautiful cutting boards!

Condiment on Condiment Goodness It’s almost Fall, thank the Kalis and the Buddhas, and the time has come to contemplate the love that dare not speak its name: condiment on condiment love. Of course, this all goes back to the original question - what came first, the condiment or the condimentee? It depends on how you use the substance. Lately, as I come home from my travails of scaling the mountains of the world to find and document the finest condiment experiences, I have been smearing black pepper and fennel bacon spread on Parmesan Crisp crackers. I know what you’re thinking - but, CondimentGrrl, how can you call a cracker a condiment? Also, while we’re talking, how are you so ethereally beautiful? Oh, my children, think about it. One: the preservatives in the condiments keep me young. Two: Parmesan is normally considered a condiment as you sprinkle it on omelettes, pasta, or Idris Elba’s torso, depending on your mood. But when it is baked into a cracker, voila - it’s a condiment cracker. These days bacon has moved beyond breakfast food to become the slut of the food groups. Hey baby, I’m a main course. I’m a dessert. I’m a freaking condiment! I’m usually opposed to anything but bacon in its purest form (bacon bits are the lowest of the low). But the bacon spread is really really good. And on parmesan crackers - it is heavenly. It’s rich. It’s salty. It’s crackly. These days with technology changing so rapidly, we need to be flexible and keep up. Condiment on condiment love is now legal in 54 states. Go for it. Here’s my favorite recipe (and I worked really hard on it): Take one of these: Then take some of this and spread it on: Voila! You are saved. And maybe, just maybe, you can achieve my ethereal glow. Love, CondimentGrrl

Testing testing Oscar snark testing

Black Garlic Explained I first saw Black Garlic on an episode of Top Chef. I thought it was its own species (well, it IS its own species) or phylum or whatever, but it is garlic that is slow cooked for two weeks in the horn of a Purple Unicorn as it makes its nightly run across the stars while chasing the elusive night chickens. Just for friendship. Not to eat. Unicorns are pescatarians. The black garlic bounces around and gets carmelized and develops a balsamicy sheen. The Unicorn catches the chickens and while they are playing, the black garlic escapes and sneaks into Trader Joe’s and other high end stores. Since I have just eaten some, it might also have hallucinatory properties given my above meditation. Anyway, it is fermenty sweet and delicious. I swiped some on bread. Delicious. I chopped some up and added it to my Trademarked Amazing Delicious Best You Ever Had Salad Dressing. Delicious. However, I may also have acquired some indigestion from it. Not so Delicious. Because I delight in condiment metaphors, muse on this: Black Garlic is US, man (Not like in Soylent Green). We are cooked by our lives experience and we acquire a rich flavor all our own. We then interact with other people and sometimes, maybe, we give them indigestion? Maybe I should stick to the Purple Unicorn. All I know is that I found black garlic delicious, but I am deciding if I want to risk eating it. Did it give me indigestion? Was it really the Kale (KALE!) or the bread (maybe I’m gluten intolerable)? Or maybe we have to risk it. We have to risk the unknown, the new and keep trying, like we do with difficult people in our lives. Maybe if you mix it with hummus or mayonnaise, it will create the perfect spread. Just like the Purple Unicorns and the Chickens.

This is Chinese Black Garlic. It’s kinda considered a gourmet food, but for me, everything transforms into its fundamental condimental state.

Artichoke Cream and Hot Chinese Mustard I believe I have probably lost much audience (whatever that was), but things have been chaotic for me and my lovely condiment domain, but I and my sauces and spices and hot sauces prevail and fight on in the fight to ensure all foodthings (and associated items) are appropriately accessorized.



I think it was today when I brought some leftover beef and roasted vegetables to work for lunch and also packed some crème de artichoke I purchased in Europe last year and a bottle of Chinese hot sauce to mix in as the artichoke has a lovely flavor, but I like more of a punch in my sauces. I mixed them together and thought, “The world must know."



The best part of this was when I realized that while I had specialty artichoke cream and hot Chinese mustard at my desk, I had no salt. No freaking salt. Without salt, you would die in a day in a post-Apocalyptic world. When the Aliens come surfing in on a meteor tsunami comprised of vampire zombies, I will hoard all the salt and I will LIVE AND BE WORSHIPPED AS A GODDESS.



However, the Artichoke cream and the Hot Chinese mustard might end up being a condiment used on me to make me more palatable to the Alien Zombies.



So, the moral is, yes enjoy your specialty condiments, your fig chipotle compote or Rainier cherry kiwi chutney, but for heaven’s sake, keep salt (and pepper) as well.



You never know.

The Vegemite got me down… I’ve been away for a while - very busy, but honestly if I had to trace to one moment when I had to take a break, it was when I tasted vegemite.



I had only heard of it in that Men at Work song, but a “friend” brought me back a jar from Australia. “You have to try this” he said. “Why?” Said I, innocent naive, not knowing what was next. “You just have to.”



Those of you who have tasted vegemite will know what happens next. Will even in your minds hurl yourselves forward to stop the spoon from reaching my mouth. I can see you, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”



But yes. I tried it. Oh Jesus, Mary, and Oprah - the HORROR! THE HORROR! VEGEMITE IS PEOPLE IT’S PEOPLE!



Not really, but it is mealy, bitter paste. It’s like someone scraped the floor of a biker bar after a particuliarly rowdy Octoberfest ended with a big fight, lots of vomiting, and people’s underwear all over the floor. Extremely nasty.



Why? I asked myself, Why?



I went to the source, Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegemite:



“Vegemite is made from used brewers’ yeast extract, a by-product of beer manufacturing, various vegetables, wheat and spice additives.”



That’s your friggin’ condiment? Seriously? Okay, all props to the Aussies man because that shit is hardcore!



And check out WHY it was created:



“Vegemite was invented in 1922[3] by food technologist Cyril P. Callister when, following the disruption of British Marmite imports after World War I, his employer, the Australian company Fred Walker & Co., gave him the task of developing a spread from the used yeast being dumped by breweries.”



“Hey you, Cyril, can you find a way for us to sell our garbage! That would be awesome! We’ll have shrimp on the barbie and by you a bee-ahr and all that. Mate.”



Apologies to my Australian friends for my attempt at Australian.



And this part ESPECIALLY cracked me up:



“Vegemite first appeared on the market in 1923 with advertising emphasising the value of Vegemite to children’s health but failed to sell very well”



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



Any parent with a child who will only eat healthy things wrapped in a sugar coated pancake or on top of pizza will find that especially amusing. I can only imagine well meaning parents, “Here honey have a spoonful of this yummy remains of the brewery process. Yum yum yum!”



Okay, all frivolity aside, does anyone actually have a good recipe using vegemite? Because I will try it. I really really will. But I will have a jar of Norman Bishop Dill Garlic mustard on hand to cleanse my palate afterwards, because, seriously.



Peace, love, and condiments



Condiment Grrl

Back in the Game! Hi all,



I am back in the game after a long hiatus. I had a crazy Fall and Winter, and then someone gave me Satan’s condiment, Vegemite, and it put me off everything in the world!



More to come!



Condiment Grrl