I read this on a dare from my friend. We are both Pats fans. Actually, MOST of my male friends who are Pats fans have expressed a horrified fascination that this exists. But none of them are brave enough to read it, so here is me texting the best parts to him as I read though:

(For those who are not Pats fans: Rob Gronkowski is like a golden retriever in human form if dogs could play really good football. A 25 year-old tight end, he’s 6’6’’, 265lbs. and bounds around the field with puppy exuberance swatting tackles away like they weren’t also grown men. After he scores a touchdown he does a “Gronk Spike” where he fracks for shale gas in the end zone by driving the football deep into the asthenosphere. Off the field he keeps company with porn stars and says things like “Our linemen should get laid tonight!”)

“The story so far: the thirsty wife of a Jets fan sees a Gronk Spike and has a sexual awakening.”

“The struggle is real.”

“So far it’s just her jilling off to videos of Gronk Spikes on YouTube. Twice.”

“This is described as ‘thumbing up and down the Gronkachusetts Turnpike.”

“And her nickname for him is ‘Gronkalish’.”

“I fantasize about Gronk on one knee spiking a bouquet of roses, a bottle of champagne and a diamond ring into my butt.”

“We went to Olive Garden and destroyed the free breadsticks.”

“He’s drunk as shit and falls off the side of the bed and butt fumbles back against the wall.”

“Spike me! Gronk me! Work my slot receiver!”

“Her husband then takes her to a Pats game, throws her in the end zone with perfect timing so that Gronk spikes her right in the pussy. Multiple orgasms and arrest ensue. The End.”

Lacy Noonan, the author, has a little cottage industry on Amazon of these silly self-aware romance stories. Highlights from her oeuvre include “Hotbox”, “Submitting Landlord” and “I Don’t Care If My Best Friend’s Mom is a Sasquatch, She’s Hot and I’m Taking a Shower With Her”. The writing is substantially better than broken English romance author El Stephanie James Meyer and there are enough football jokes inside to keep the ‘amuse’ in ‘amusingly dumb’.”

Should you read this? No. Should you buy this for your annoying as hell Patriots fan friend? Hell yes. And make them unwrap it in a public place.

The best part is this is part of a trilogy. The sequels haven’t been named but I humbly suggest “Gronk, Actually” and “The Eternal Sunshine of the Spikeless Mind”.

TD:DR (Too dumb; didn’t read): this book is a powerful confirmation of the sexual ineptitude of Jet’s fans but we knew that already.