In this age of confusion where people are searching for answers to life’s many questions, and the paranormal and New Age quackery are treated as science, many otherwise rational, intelligent people have turned to charlatans for guidance.

Most of you reading this are certainly familiar with psychics and mediums – those who profess to have the ability to see both the past and future as well as speak to the dead, respectively – and are likely to recall Sylvia Browne, James Van Praagh, and John Edward among the celebrity seers of our day. Charging hundreds, even thousands of dollars for readings or lectures, these paranormal panhandlers have all either failed time and time again in their attempts to prove their so-called ability, or have fled from any attempt to be tested in a rigorous, sufficiently controlled laboratory setting.

Still others will remember palmistry, the art of reading one’s character or future through analysis of the lines and bumps on the person’s hand. Though no one I know ever got rich off this practice, you will still see an occasional shop, oftentimes in a lower class end of town, offering palm readings for a nominal fee though always under the guise of being “for entertainment purposes only” as to avoid troubles with the law.

But the list doesn’t end there. The practices of astrology, numerology, scrying, and divination via the I Ching using yarrow stalks or coins are just a few of the literally hundreds of ways people have been attempting to find the answers to their problems.

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However, there is a much lesser known tool being utilized by a select few, though growing, number of people to help clear up the confusion and mystery in their lives. It is called Rumpology, and in case the prefix didn’t give it away, allow me to clear it up. Rumpology, according to it’s practitioners is, “an ancient art that can, to the trained eye, reveal your personality, fate, and future in luck and love” by looking over the lines, crevices, and folds of your ass. Yes, dear reader, you read that right. Fortune telling by fanny. Though surely I jest. Who on Earth would engage in such obvious foolishness?

Enter Jacqueline Stallone. Mrs. Stallone, for those who are unaware, is perhaps best known for simply being the mother of the actor Sylvester Stallone and his younger, though less famous brother, singer Frank Stallone. In the 80s, Jacqueline was able to parlay that information into minor celebrity status of her own by appearing on women’s professional wrestling programs and later, in the 90s, operating a psychic hotline, publishing astrology books, and even launching her own cosmetics line. Well, she’s back, and Rumpology is what she is selling now.

Rumpology, she claims, is an art she revived from ancient India and Babylon. It turns out the Greeks used ass prints to determine health and fidelity, and the Romans used them to identify potential talents and future successes. A gander at your keester, Jackie says, will reveal your whole being. Of course, she offers no sources for her claims that this practice was employed by these age-old cultures. Not that it would matter anyway, of course. The whole idea is ludicrous and yet, I must admit, also very entertaining!

So how does Rumpology work? It’s really quite magnificent. First, simply mail Jacqueline a close-up picture of your ass (at least 800 pixels wide, please) along with $125. Mrs. Stallone will read your print, using your left butt cheek as a guide to your past, and the right as the doorway to your future, interpret the data, and send you, in her words as listed on JacquelineStallone.com, the following:

1) Your personal, condensed, no-frills report on the signs and markings on your rear end.

2) A condensed one year prediction of the direction your rear end is taking you… love, career, and finance.

And if that wasn’t enough, she will also send you:

3) An 8.5” x 11” color glossy print of your rear end.

She advises that you may want to frame the photo (and I’m not making this up) “as a family keepsake when the fates smile on you; or give as a gift to a special person.” Someone must tell Jackie that the fates are not actually smiling, they are laughing their asses off. Pun intended.

So what can we make of this? I suppose not much other than there are few things people will not pay money for if they believe it will unlock the mysteries of life. And though it appears, thankfully, that the “art of Rumpology” is not being taken seriously (at least not yet) by the public at-large, it would also behoove us not to completely write it off. Though Sylvester Stallone does not hold the influence in Hollywood he once did, he is apparently a devoted practitioner of Rumpology and has shared his mother’s wisdom with his celebrity pals. Though it may not take on the cult-like status of another Hollywood craze such as Scientology, we can never underestimate the influence celebrities have on people.

Gwyneth Paltrow believes she has stumbled upon the cure for cancer in a diet regimen, Suzanne Somers is an expert in hormone-replacement and anti-aging medicine, and former President Ronald Reagan consulted astrologers on matters of domestic and foreign policy. Far be it from me to judge the legacy of Barack Obama a year into office, but I think it’s safe to say that if he ever begins to govern based on advice from his local Rumpologist, we’re all screwed.

Rumpology. Will wonders never cease?

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