What's New, Naruto?

By knuckz

Summary: Uzumaki Naruto was not kicked out of Konoha; he left. Not enough money, and no health or dental coverage? It was a bad job, really. Swearing and mature themes.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to people that are not me. You should know this by now.

This story, while nothing like any of his/her works, is dedicated to Jetslinger (whose Melody of the Fox is practically my most loved fic on this site), who has retired from fanfiction for more important things. You'll be dearly missed!

01 – Uzumaki Naruto

"Oi! Get up, ya lazy bastard!"

The man kicked the sleeping (and blissfully unaware) blond hard in the ribs, causing the boxer-clad man to fall out of bed.

THUD.

Moaning.

Anger.

"What the hell, you psycho!" Naruto groaned from the floor beside his bed, "Why the fuck are you waking me up this early!"

The blond rose from the floor, cracking his neck sharply. He glared at the man that had dared to disrupt his sleep. His dream had just been getting to the good part.

Nothing beat sex in a giant bowl of ramen.

The man in question looked much like a beggar that had mugged a rich guy. His hair was unkempt and the majority of his face was hidden by a large beard. However, his clothes were those of a professional working-man.

"It was the 'sex in ramen' dream again, eh?" he stated, smirking at the whiskered blond. Naruto glowered at him.

"Tell me what you want or I'll kill you, Kongou, friend or not. It's too early for this shit." Naruto said dangerously, glaring at the wild-haired man.

"Maa, calm down. You're always so cranky when you-"

Naruto jumped over the bed at him procuring a sword out of nowhere. The man named Kongou ducked under Naruto's horizontal swipe and flipped forward into a handstand, attacking with the blades hidden in his sandals.

The blond blocked each strike with the flat of his sword before jumping back over his bed. While still in the air, Naruto put his right foot onto the side of the bed, and gave it a push, using the momentum to stick to the wall behind him. The bed slid across the floor at the still-upside-down man, who used his arms to push off the ground and over the bed. It crashed into the wall loudly, breaking wood.

Naruto jumped off the wall while Kongou was still in the air, attempting to thrust his sword into his chest but he missed as Kongou's feet stuck to the ceiling and he crouched. Pulling a kunai out of his sleeve, Kongou made to stab the now seemingly defenceless blond in the face.

Naruto saw the kunai come closer and closer to piercing the space between his eyes, as if it were in slow motion. But then, suddenly, there was a bright glint of steel accompanied with the sound of rushing wind. It left as soon as it came, and before he realized it, Kongou fell from the ceiling with multiple cuts all over his body and Naruto's blade sticking out of his chest.

Naruto scoffed as he wrenched his sword out of the dead man's chest and flicked the lingering blood off of his sword.

"Tch... bitch, waking me up for this shit." he muttered, as he surveyed the damage to his room. It looked as if a mini-tornado had swept through it.

The destroyed bed had done most of the damage to the wall, but there were scratch marks from his sword as well. And there was blood all over the floor, having leaked from Kongou's body.

"Fuck. I can't even go back to sleep!" he snapped out, angrily, "Look what you did, you bastard."

Naruto kicked the body of the dead man a few times before spitting on it.

Sighing in annoyance, he walked over to his slightly scratched dresser and pulled out his usual outfit, which consisted of a tan hakama that was cut off past the knees, and a very loose dark-red gi. After quickly slipping on his clothes and his geta, Naruto sheathed his tsurugi into a scabbard before slinging it over his back. He gave himself a once over in the broken mirror ("Shit, that's seven years bad luck.") before exiting.

As Naruto left the room, it never crossed his mind that it was in fact him that had done practically all the damage to the room, and not the man whom he had murdered.

After all, it was easier to blame shit on dead people; it wasn't like they could defend themselves.

He was prepared for it as he walked into the bar.

"Naruto! What the hell was that ruckus up there!?" she screamed at him.

'Up there' was his apartment. When he had first arrived in this town over a year ago, the then eighteen-year-old Naruto didn't have any place to stay. He had only a little money, so he had gone to the bar to perhaps drink it away before wandering away again. Right then and there, Saya, the now seventeen-year-old owner of the bar and the girl who was currently screaming at him, had kicked someone out from the second apartment above the bar for making too much noise and trying to perv on her.

It had happened at the most opportune of moments, so Naruto had made Saya a deal that she couldn't have possibly refused. Saya, being as stubborn as she was, refused him. Then, without complaint, Naruto left town for a couple of days, killed a few A-rank missing-nin, collected their bounties, and went back to the pretty brunette with the evidence of his strength. Needless to say, Saya accepted his deal wordlessly, having been shocked into silence.

Naruto had become Saya's personal ninja in exchange for room and board, as well as seventy percent of the bounties. It eventually extended to the entire town of Furou; it was like a Hidden Village with only one ninja.

In the end, it worked out for everybody, but much to Saya's dismay, Naruto was perhaps even louder and more perverted than the last resident. She, like most women, hated perverts, and was always in a sour mood when Naruto would decide to go to one of the local brothels or bring a woman home.

Saya, apparently, had decided that there was no such thing as a worthy man and that she would die a virgin. So far, she was actually making good progress. Naruto privately thought that it helped that Saya was bat-shit strong, and no sane man that knew her would try to get laid with her.

Naruto, of course, was the sole exception to that rule, though he wasn't so sure that he was sane, so that didn't really count.

It also helped that, like he had done with so many other people, Naruto had somehow wormed his way into Saya's heart, though she would never ever admit it. But it had to be true, because despite all the ruckus that Naruto made and all the times he tried to bed her, she had never kicked him out.

Perhaps it would be going too far to say that she was in love with him, but she liked him enough to tolerate him, and that was good enough for Naruto.

"My bad, Dokufu-chan. Kongou woke me up, so I killed him." Naruto replied nonchalantly. Saya bashed her fist on his head.

"Don't call me that, asshole!" Saya screamed at him, "Can you for once kill someone without ruining your damn room! I hate having to clean up all the blood and dead bodies!"

Saya, while not a ninja, did have skills in medical ninjutsu. According to her, she had been trained by Tsunade of the Sannin for a short time a long while back; Naruto maintained that he didn't believe her and voiced it quite often, though it was mostly just to piss her off. While Saya's strength was nowhere near as strong as Tsunade's (or Sakura's), it was still beyond what humans could produce without chakra.

Naruto smirked at Saya, and the kimono-clad girl huffed in anger and went back behind the bar to serve breakfast to the waiting patrons who looked on in amusement. This was a common occurrence.

"Ah, you know you love me, Saya-chan."

Naruto ducked suddenly, avoiding the knife that Saya had hurled at him. It was embedded to the hilt into the wall behind him. Naruto wisely refrained from upsetting the girl anymore.

A man chuckled at their actions. Saya turned on him.

"This is your fault as well, Kongou! Will you do your own damn job for once!?"

Kongou, the man that Naruto had just seemingly killed upstairs, grimaced.

"Sorry, Saya-san." Kongou replied abashedly. Naruto walked over to the table and plopped down in the seat across the bearded man. Naruto reached his hand out as if he were grabbing something, and produced a cigarette out of thin air, as if he were performing a magic trick.

Lighting it up with a snap of his fingers, Naruto took a long drag before blowing the smoke into Kongou's face. To his credit, Kongou did not cough.

"So you sent another assassin after me, eh?" Naruto remarked. Kongou chuckled.

"You didn't even care to check whether it was really me or not before killing him, did you?" Kongou asked the blond. Naruto just shrugged.

Kongou was the bodyguard of the mayor of the town, Seisumi Shubou. As many people in a position of power did, Shubou too had attempts of assassinations upon him. Ever since Naruto came to town, Kongou would offer the assassins an obscene amount of money to go assassinate Naruto instead. The assassins, obviously enamoured with the thought of so much money would unwittingly go after the blond, against whom they stood no chance. They would get killed, and Kongou wouldn't have to go through the trouble of dealing with the assassins himself.

Eventually, it got to the point of it being a game. Kongou would send the assassins with instructions meant to fool Naruto. This time, Kongou had obviously told the assassin to disguise themselves as him, probably to see if Naruto would hesitate before killing him.

"Same old Naruto. Anyway, I'll cut straight to the point. Shubou-sama's got a mission for you." Kongou informed the smoking blond. Naruto didn't say anything, so Kongou continued.

"Apparently, our usual import of sake was stolen."

"WHAT!?"

Everybody in the bar (aside from Kongou himself) looked at the man in shock. Naruto clenched his shaking fist, before slamming it onto the table.

"Damn bastards... who was it?" he whispered, "Who stole my precious?"

Kongou looked at Naruto for a second, before replying.

"It was leaf-nin."

Saya froze in shock upon hearing this, looking for Naruto's reaction. The blond stared at the table with eyes unfocused, probably in as much shock as Saya was, if not more so. It had been so long since he had heard of the leaf; even longer since he had left them behind.

"Konoha, eh..." Naruto said, trailing off. Naruto had no grudge against the leaf; it wasn't like he was kicked out. He had left of his own accord. Thankfully, Tsunade was still Hokage and had only given him a C-rank bingo book rating, and had never even sent hunter-nin after him either. It had saved him some trouble. That didn't stop his friends from coming though, but he had kept avoiding them until, slowly, they started giving up.

Naruto sighed sadly, and Saya looked at him worriedly as the rest of patrons continued to mutter about the loss of their precious sake. Naruto had only talked of his past to very few people; Saya and Kongou were among them.

Kongou stared at Naruto with an indecipherable look on his face. Then, the corner of his mouth twitched.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Kongou erupted in laughter, slapping his palm on the table several times. Apparently, he had been joking. Naruto looked at him with a shocked expression.

"You- you- ahaha- you should've seen the look on your face!" Kongou choked out, holding his stomach as if his guts were about to fall out. Naruto's face darkened slowly. Saya put her face in her palm in exasperation.

"Kongou..." Naruto whispered ominously, as he slowly rose from his seat and reached for his sword. Kongou's laughter slowly died out.

"You fucking bastard!"

"Ahh!"

"Naruto! If you break anything, I'll kill you!"

"Missing-nin from Iwa, eh?" Naruto commented, "That's pretty interesting."

Kongou had already left to get back to his job. Thankfully for him, Saya had managed to bully Naruto into not killing him.

"I'm gonna kill those fucking bastards." Naruto stated, gritting his teeth. Nobody stole his sake. Nobody.

"No, first, I'm gonna seduce their wives and sisters, then I'm gonna fucking kill those bastards." Naruto revised, nodding sagely, "Yeah, that's a good plan."

Saya rolled her eyes at Naruto's so-called 'good plan'.

"Can you not be so perverted for once, Naruto? It's disgusting enough with Azusa-san." she commented, glaring at him. Naruto smirked mischievously at her.

"Why? Are you going to sheathe my sword, scabbard?" Naruto said, his smirk evolving into a grin. Saya's glare evolved from angry to murderous in an instant. However, a bright and bubbly voice interrupted any plans of murder that Saya had concocted.

"Naruto-niichan!"

Naruto grinned at the much-needed interruption. He turned to the source of the voice.

"And speaking of Azusa; yo, Fuu!"

Seisumi Fuu was the nine-year-old daughter of Seisumi Shubou and his wife, Seisumi Azusa. Previous to Naruto's presence in town she had looked up to Saya, dressing exactly like her. Once Naruto had come into town, she had been completely enamoured by the blond and started replicating Naruto's personality, much to Saya's annoyance.

It was quite a sight, watching an inebriated nine-year-old Fuu trying to hit on women over two times her age. Saya had been furious that Naruto let the little girl get drunk, but the spectacle was pretty funny. And even worse was when Naruto used the young girl to get laid with unsuspecting women. While Saya knew that Naruto actually cared for the little brat even though he used her for his own dirty needs, it still annoyed her to no end. She did not want Fuu ending up as some sort of brothel girl.

"Are they big enough yet, Naruto-niichan?" Fuu asked excitedly. Naruto chuckled nervously, and gave the narrow-eyed Saya a quick glance.

"Ahaha, not yet Fuu, not yet." Naruto said, before continuing quickly, desperate to save himself, "Are you hungry? Let me treat you!"

Fuu, of course, was ever hungry. People often remarked that her stomach was bottomless.

"Yeah! Let's eat!" Fuu chirped happily, despite the fact that she had just eaten before coming here. Saya glowered at Naruto for temporarily evading her question as she went to serve Fuu and Naruto some food.

She stood back as she watched Naruto and Fuu scarf down their food. They kept an even pace for the first few bowls, but eventually (like always), Fuu pulled ahead by an obscene amount. To this day, it never ceased to amaze Saya how much that girl could eat.

Eventually, after what seemed like several hours, Fuu finally finished eating.

"Manpuku Manpuku Runtotto..." the bloated Fuu began singing, as Naruto and Saya idly talked about his mission.

"It'll probably take me a couple of days to complete the mission. It's mostly the travel." Naruto stated, being serious with Saya for once, "As usual, you have the seal. If anything... well, you know what to do."

"...Pukuman Pukuman Manzokumyo..."

Saya nodded. Naruto slid his chair back and stood up.

"Aww, you're going?" Fuu asked, breaking out of song. Naruto grinned and ruffled her hair, much to her delight.

"Don't worry kiddo; I'll be back before you know it! Remember; drink lots and lots of milk!" Naruto said, before walking over to the door. Fuu saluted him.

"Will do!"

"Naruto!" Saya called. Naruto looked back over his shoulder, waiting for her to say something. She hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"I... be careful." Saya said quietly. Naruto turned to face her completely and grinned brightly. His hair, much longer and wilder than when he was a kid, ruffled with the movement.

"Don't worry about me; I'm too good for anybody to get me!"

SPLASH!

Naruto turned around in shock; a few kids were smirking at him, holding water balloons in their hands. Obviously, they had thrown one at him if the sight of his drooping hair was any indication. Blowing raspberries at him, they ran away.

"You damn kids!" Naruto yelled before chasing after them, drawing his sword in the process, "I'll chop you to bits!"

Saya could only smile, as she heard more splashes of thrown water-balloons and the terror-filled screams of little kids.

That Naruto... she thought fondly.

Then she remembered the odd conversation that Fuu and Naruto had earlier.

"Fuu-chan," Saya started, turning to the girl, "What did you mean by 'are they big enough yet'?"

"Oh, that! Well, the other day, Naruto-niichan went to that place with all those women, and when I asked him about it, he said he was having some fun with them. I wanted to have fun with him too, but he said that I needed bigger breasts to have that kind of fun with him." Fuu explained, putting her thumb to her chin in a thinking pose, "I dunno what he meant, but since then I've been drinking lots and lots of milk!"

Saya's face darkened considerably and her shoulders started quivering. Her head lowered, eyes glaring at the floor beneath her.

"...Saya-neechan?"

"NAARUUTOOOOOO!"

Outside the town of Furou, Naruto grimaced at the scream of what he thought was his name.

Shit, Saya's gonna kill me when I get back.

Then he smirked, imagining the expression on her face.

But damn it if it wasn't worth it.

End

Kongou – indestructible substance

Hakama – man's formal divided skirt

Gi – derived from Keikogi, which are martial arts clothes

Geta – footwear that resemble clogs and flip-flops

Tsurugi – broadsword; Naruto's is double-edged

Dokufu – evil woman

Saya – scabbard

Furou – vagrancy

Seisumi – energy ink

Shubou – chief/leader

Azusa – Japanese cherry birch

Fuu – folk song

Manpuku Manpuku Runtotto... Pukuman Pukuman Manzokumyo... – nonsense song about being full

I'll be keeping author's notes nice and short. The planned pairing is Naruto/Saya; that is, if one of them doesn't end up dying. Updates will come when they come. I don't follow a schedule.

Seisumi Fuu is a tribute to Fuu from Samurai Champloo, but not the actual character. This is not a crossover. The nonsense song can be found in episode 15.

Leave a comment! I look forward to constructive criticism. Also, if you have any questions or concerns, be sure to leave them and I'll answer however I can.

Thanks for reading,

knuckz