TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—With Hurricane Isaac heading towards the site of the 2012 Republican National Convention, presumptive G.O.P. nominee Mitt Romney today called for the government to respond with a round of “emergency tax cuts.”

“If this hurricane is as powerful as predicted, it could destroy many people’s second and third homes,” Mr. Romney said. “In that worst-case scenario, it would be inhumane to ask them to pay more than thirteen per cent.”

Vice-Presidential pick Paul Ryan echoed Mr. Romney’s sentiments, adding that he was glad he voted to cut emergency relief earlier this year because “big government needs to stay out of hurricanes.”

“If the federal government got involved with this hurricane, they’d make the usual mistake of sending food, water, and medical supplies,” he said. “Clearly, what this situation calls for is vouchers.”

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