I know this might be the most unpopular opinion in fandom, but I have no desire (secret or otherwise) to witness a Yoda flick on the silver screen. While I certainly hold that tiny tot of a Jedi near and dear to my heart, I’m well aware of his limitations (as the Prequels so savagely revealed), and I want Yoda to retain as much reverence as he can. So, without further ado, here are the 5 Reasons Why a Yoda Movie is a Terrible Idea…

SMALL DOSES

Like Hulk in The Avengers, Kramer in Seinfeld, and whipped cream on a nipple… the best things in this life should only be served in SMALL DOSES. Whenever you move against this rule, and overindulge in the sweetness, you’re destined for a massive disappointment. This is the downfall of The Man of Steel (too many Kryptonians fights for its own good), Attack of the Clones (too many lightsabers for its own good), and a myriad of other genre flicks.

MYSTERY

When creating his Prequel Trilogy, George Lucas arrogantly forgot the most important attribute of his Star Wars saga: mystery. Even though we, as the doe eyed audience members, were awed by the cautiously explained lore of Jedi and Dark Side Meanies in the Original movies, Lucas was careful to guard the ugly nuts and bolts of the matter. He knew that an unnecessary explanation of the Star Wars universe would kill the fun.

Remember when The Force was straight up space magic? Not that midi-chlorians nonsense!

And remember how there were a million different planets, with a million awesome backstories, but ain’t nobody got time to explain all that… Darth Vader‘s chasing us!

Not to mention, the strongest Jedi in the Universe was a tiny green troll, hiding on a swamp planet, and he’s kinda batshit crazy. We knew almost nothing about him, except that he was such a badass Jedi that he didn’t need a lightsaber, he was more powerful than Obi-Wan, and ten times his age.

In an attempt to focus on the little green guy, the Prequel Trilogy destroyed the legacy that the Original Trilogy created. Lucas transformed Yoda into another witless, laser sword wielding Jedi, unable to wield the awesome amount of power hinted at in The Empire Strikes Back (dude picked up an X-Wing after being in retirement for 30 years!), and a Yoda Movie would only stumble into the same trap.

YODA’S LIGHTSABER

And while we’re on the subject of legacy diluting additions, let’s talk about Yoda’s lightsaber. As much as I hate to admit it, I was underwhelmed by the mighty green munshkin’s kick ass swordplay. Why the hell does he need a god damn sword, anyway? How can a guy who said this…

For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us.

… transform into another lightsaber tossing knight? Yoda is a god damn Force titan. He moves structures with his mind, lifts spaceships on a whim, and if he was absolutely compelled to engage in combat, he would create a hurricane of Force powered moves. No need for a lame lightsaber when you can throw the Naboo Delegate’s senate chambers like a wicked hard fastball.

THE WORLD’S MOST ANNOYING DIALOGUE



Do I really need to explain this one? Yoda is the wise Asian sage of the Star Wars universe. Partially inspired by the Dalai Lama, the Jedi Master’s heart warming philosophy is served piping hot in super dense chunks of dialogue. But if he were the single focus of a solo Yoda Movie, his insightful quips would eventually become an annoyance, and I never want to feel aggravated by Yoda. He’s my roll dog.

HE CAN’T BE THE MAIN CHARACTER

A Yoda Movie would best be served as a non-linear tale, showcasing 4 or 5 distinct, intertwining stories with their own conflicts and protagonists, in which Yoda is the unifying factor (and least featured character). In a solo Yoda movie, it’d be far too easy to take the lame route, and delve into a typical hero’s origin stories. BUT… Yoda isn’t a fun creature because of his own antics, but instead because of his influence on other characters. He questions their motives, allowing them an introspective moment to select the proper course.

Even in a movie meant to focus solely on Yoda, he’d only be a secondary character, as he should. Could you imagine a Gandalf solo movie? How about a Jack Sparrow standalone (ahem, Stranger Tides, we’re staring at you)?