PHOTOGRAPH OF BEN CARSON BY WIN MCNAMEE / GETTY; PHOTOGRAPH OF TED CRUZ BY SCOTT OLSON / GETTY

BOULDER, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—There were fireworks at Wednesday night's Republican Presidential debate as the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson and Texas Senator Ted Cruz sparred over their differing timetables for hastening the end of the world.

While both Carson and Cruz stressed their commitment to accelerating the end times as described in the Book of Revelation, they offered starkly different visions of how they would bring them about.

When Carson said he hoped to bring the world to an end during his first term in office, he received a mocking rebuke from Cruz.

"That's not soon enough," the Texas senator said. "When I am President, I will start working to make the Rapture happen on day one."

Although the two traded barbs about the apocalypse for several minutes, the biggest applause line on the subject belonged to the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina. "These two gentlemen talk a good game about Armageddon, but I've made it happen," she said, to a standing ovation.