Sports officials unable to find non-Indigenous team names, despite entire universe

Despite being surrounded by literally an entire universe of options, officials from sports teams across North America said they simply cannot come up with names that do not ‘honour’ Indigenous Peoples.

The team officials are meeting at an annual conference in Omaha, Nebraska, this week, where the issue of Native American and Indigenous names and mascots is a hot topic. Especially since Washington is coming under increasing pressure to change the name of their NFL team.

“Believe me, we’ve heard the criticism and we are trying,” said frustrated team manager Bob Malick, who just today passed at least two dozen things that could make better names than The Braves — his Borden, Manitoba team.

“I mean, we’re just coming up blank here.”

Malick also pointed to Borden’s team mascot, Bucky the Brave — a grotesque caricature that bears absolutely no resemblance to the local Anishinaabe Peoples, historic or otherwise — as an example of how his team honours Indigenous Peoples.

“Without Bucky here, people in my town would probably never see an Indigenous,” Malick said, despite the fact that the nearest First Nation community is less than a 5-minute drive away and Indigenous Peoples attend local schools or shop at local businesses.