CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely afternoon of sipping water from dozens of small cups, and all of a sudden these jerks in spandex start dashing through and stealing them,” said Evan Burdette, who confirmed that he didn’t go through the effort of erecting a folding table under his favorite tree and filling 30 or 40 Dixie cups from a nearby water fountain only to have them snatched away by a bunch of strangers. “This is my favorite part of the week, a special little treat just for me, and they’re ruining the whole thing. I tried chasing after one of them, but he was going too fast, and then when I got back to my table, some other assholes had grabbed even more cups and crumpled them on the ground. They’ve been at it for the last hour and a half—who do these people think they are?” At press time, Burdette was reportedly outraged after another group of runners pilfered several pieces of his personal supply of nipple tape.

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