PHILADELPHIA—In an emotional address Wednesday night at the Democratic National Convention, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly choked up while describing the thousands of hardworking Americans throughout the nation who are only able to afford shitty ditch weed. “I’ve met good, proud Americans all across our great land who bust their ass day in, day out for the man, and it breaks my goddamn heart knowing that they barely have enough money for this brown, dried-out garbage that’s all fucking seeds and stems,” said Biden, pausing to regain his composure and wipe tears away from his eyes as he recalled the poignant story of an Akron, OH resident who worked tirelessly at two jobs but still lacked the financial means to pack a bowl with killer green bud. “For Christ’s sake, it kills me to see decent folks—folks who are our neighbors, friends, and parents—trying to make a living and doing their very best, and yet they’re still too broke to buy the sticky ganja that gets you totally baked. These are real Americans forced to settle for torching up super-harsh dirt weed that gives you a big headache and just crashes your ass out.” At press time, Biden had reportedly started sobbing in the middle of an anecdote about a “hot little spark plug” in Phoenix who had to scrape resin from her pipe every morning just so that she could wake and bake before work.

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