Like millions of people around the world, I use online dating.

As a Pakistani woman with a Muslim name and a banging nose ring, I attract attention from some Muslim men. Dating is hard in the best of circumstances but if you are an ex-Muslim, it’s downright depressing. A lot of us try and stay in the closet because of the taboo for as long as possible. It’s okay when you are single but the prospect of a serious relationships and having children puts ex-Muslims in a pretty bleak place.

You have two choices: tell your parents that you are a non-Muslim and don’t have to marry a Muslim (or marry at all) or lie to your future Muslim partner and enter into a relationship built on deceit where your non-religious views will have to be kept private. Neither is tempting as the former could result in being disowned, and the latter in a serious drinking problem.

I have dated Muslims and nothing extraordinary has happened as a result. I did have a particularly traumatic date once when I went out with a ‘liberal Muslim’. I made it very clear that I am an atheist and he said he was fine with that. Three days later we were at a café near my house on a Saturday afternoon. Thirty minutes into the date he raised the topic of religion. I brushed it aside but he kept bringing it up. He then spent the next twenty minutes preaching to me. I ended the date soon after, thanking him for wasting my time when he told me that he agrees with Sharia punishments “in certain circumstances”.

I have decided as a rule not to date Muslims anymore. At first I didn’t want to discriminate and I gave Muslim men a chance. After all a lot are pretty good looking with their hipster beards. In the last year, I’ve been on a few dates with Muslim men.

However I can’t get past a date or two because I know that his family will have to be pretty magical and progressive to be happy with a daughter-in-law like me. Even when I tell the guys that I am quite public about being non-religious, they say it’s a not big deal — but I know that it is. Any chance of me being a serious girlfriend diminishes instantly when they find out who I am.

The in-laws matter, too. I already have an extended family that has largely rejected me; nobody is special enough for me to suffer that again. My future mother-in-law wouldn’t be impressed if she Googled me and found a lot of hits related to atheism and an obese kid in India with my name (seriously, Google it). I’m in the minority, one of the tiny number of women of Muslim heritage who is open about her atheism.

Ex-Muslims are expected to date and marry people who probably won’t accept them in the long term. You can call me sceptical but I think that, until Muslims are less conservative about parenting and relationships, it will most likely result in one or both parties facing the hard truth.

Unlike Muslim women who may prefer to marry a Muslim, a former Muslim would probably do better to not date a Muslim. The reasons are obvious as someone is going to end up comprising or being heart broken when the inevitable reality about family dynamics hit home.