Before you waste a stamp sending out an invitation or make that extra click to notify me of your dog wedding on Facebook, let me save you the trouble.

I’m not going to your dumb dog wedding.

Maybe you and your human significant other both have dogs, and you want them to get hitched, too, or maybe you want to make it official with your pup’s best friend at doggy daycare.

Cute, cute, cute. Well, cute for you, anyway.

For me, it’s a nightmare, and for your dog, it’s probably not going to be as much of a good time as you want it to be. Here’s why you probably won’t be seeing me sobbing into tissues while your dog barks out, “I do.”

This Isn’t As Cute Or Fun As You Think

Maybe you’re one of the many people who see a dog in a tux or dress and can’t contain your squeals of joy.

Great.

There are a lot of people who would agree with you and similarly lose control of their emotions at the sight of such unbridled cuteness, but I’m not one of them. Some dogs enjoy the extra pampering and play that comes with getting dressed up, though I have a feeling that many dogs would prefer to be naked.

Regardless, it’s not fun for most humans to sit around in stuffy formal attire for any significant length of time, and I doubt it’s all that fun for most pups, either. I’m glad they’re getting attention and rewards. I just wish they didn’t have to dress up to do it.

And if your dogs are scandalously getting married in the nude, that’s fine. They’re still probably sitting around for a confusing ceremony that they don’t understand or care about that much.

Speaking of getting dressed up, I don’t want to do it either. I barely tolerate uncomfortable clothes for human weddings, and now I’m supposed to scour my closet for formal wear that doesn’t even fit anymore and try to squeeze myself into it for a couple of dogs who probably have no idea what’s going on? That’s not my idea of fun. Not at all.

How about we have a doggy beach day, instead? Or a group picnic? Or really any event where I can be comfortable, the dogs can be comfortable, and we can all have a good time?

Why A Dog Wedding Is Lame

A human wedding is a significant event for the people involved. They are knowingly making a choice to share their lives together and make a commitment. Not only are they pledging their undying love for one another; they will also be treated differently by society. It’s something new and exciting, and it’s something to celebrate.

But what about dogs? Are they knowingly consenting to love each other forever? Are they going to get a joint bank account? Will they file their taxes differently from now on?

No.

Maybe they’ll be best buddies, but they have no idea what is happening during a wedding. At best, this is a goofy parody of a human wedding, and it’s not that funny, interesting, or original.

Dog weddings have been around for generations, and they’ve always been pretty lame. Sometimes they’ve put on by dog breeders who are bringing their pooches together to make a new litter–because clearly dogs must wait for marriage before getting busy.

Most of the time, they’ve been vanity events on the owners’ parts. If you have the kind of disposable income to keep the economy going by hiring event staff, shopping for doggy formal wear, and buying food for guests, that’s great, but count me out.

Really, you should be asking–who is this wedding for?

Your dog would probably be much happier running and playing with their doggy bestie than walking down an aisle in uncomfortable clothes, sitting quietly while a “minister” rattles off dog puns, and waiting until they’re allowed to pee on things again.

Chances are good that this wedding is for you.

Maybe you can justify it by saying your dog is going to get lots of treats and praise, or that your pup is so adorable that they deserve to be worshiped like a bride on their special day, or that it’s a chance for old friends to get together and have fun.

Instead of going through all this effort for a dog who probably won’t appreciate it, how about you just give your dog the rewards anyway, start an Instagram account for your pup, and call your friends to hang out like normal people do?

A Dog Wedding I Might Go To

After all I’ve just said, you may think that I hate all dog weddings.

I do.

However, under the right circumstances, I would grit my teeth and attend a dog wedding. If the event were for charity or to raise awareness for an important issue, I’d make an appearance and a donation. Sometimes these events are very lavish and effective in raising a lot of money for very good causes.

The most expensive dog wedding ever was between a a Coton de Tulear named Baby Hope Diamond and a Poodle named Chilly Pasternak. The cost of the wedding was between $150,000 and $250,000 depending on who you ask, and it was meant to raise money and awareness for the Humane Society of New York.

The bride’s dress alone was valued at $6,000. The event brought national attention to the Humane Society, and I can’t really find information on how much money it brought in. It’s hard to say if the Humane Society would have been better off if the total monetary value of the wedding were just donated directly to the shelter, but at least people tried to make this dog wedding benefit a good cause.

So before you invite me to your dumb dog wedding, ask yourself who it’s for.

If it’s for a good cause that benefits other dogs or shelter animals in need, I’m in. Begrudgingly, but I’m in.

If this wedding is for you, please leave me off the guest list, and don’t you dare expect me to even look at a gift registry.

Would you ever go to a dog wedding? Do you think dog weddings are fun or lame? Let us know in the comments below!