Anyone wanting to explore the world of bondage and BDSM sex for the first time should, rightfully, be super excited. But you do also need to know a few things before you go in all spanking paddles blazing. BDSM on TV and in films isn't always depicted in a realistic way, which is why there are a few misconceptions about sexual play. Being knowledgeable will ensure your experience is both enjoyable and goes smoothly. Here's what you need to know before you try.

1. Safety comes first

Any kind of kinky play should always be safe, sane and consensual (SSC). The SSC principles are super important in the BDSM community and should be respected in all relationships. It's pretty simple: safety is your number one priority and you must do everything you can to prevent risking your health. Only engage in kinky play while in a sensible and sound frame of mind. And only play if you have full consent from both parties. Remember this can be withdrawn at any point.

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Sex experts Ann Summers say, "Establish a safe word first; something easily remembered, something that's unlikely to be said by accident. Make sure you both know it, and understand that the session stops completely when it's said."



2. It's all about communication

Sexpert, author and Cliterati editor Emily Dubberley emphasises that while BDSM is about mixing pain and pleasure, you must ALWAYS be aware of your partner's needs. "While spanking is one of the milder forms of pain play, there are a few rules that you need to bear in mind to avoid causing any lasting damage. Communication – whether verbal or physical – is what BDSM is about. You should take note of how your partner reacts and tailor your strokes to that", she says.



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You will probably have heard of 'safe words' before, and that's because they're so so important. With any kind of sexual play, decide upon safe words so that if you want or need to, you can get out of the situation immediately. The classic safe words are based on the 'traffic light system'. Red meaning, 'stop, immediately'. Yellow meaning, 'I'm reaching my hard limits so slow it down, pal'. And green meaning, 'Oh yeah that's feels good, more of that!'

3. Be prepared

You know that Friends episode where Chandler gets handcuffed to his lover's office chair for a WHOLE day? Well you don't want that happening to you. So even though it may seem obvious, be as prepared as possible: "If you're using handcuffs, keep two sets of handcuff keys nearby so you can release your partner quickly if need be," recommends Ann Summers.

4. Be sober

We've all taken a tumble on the dance floor when drunk, and while that's embarrassing enough, we just know it would be ten times worse in the bedroom. Not only that, but it could lead to accidents, says Ann Summers: "Although it's often more tempting to play sex games when you're feeling a bit tipsy, it's best not to try bondage when you're under the influence of alcohol, as you might misjudge how tightly to tie the knots." Wise words.

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5. Talk about your turn offs

A whole episode of Sex And The City was dedicated to verbal turn-offs, including baby talk. So it's important to choose words wisely, says Emily: "Before talking dirty, establish whether there are any words that either of you find a particular turn on or turn off. When you're immersed in sex, it can be all too easy to kill the mood by using a word that your partner finds ugly, offensive or both."

6. Get physical

Once you've mastered the vocab and you're ready to go it's worth taking things slow – when you've been used to 'vanilla' sex, bondage is quite a leap. "You may decide to actually do the things that are being talked about. While this could be as simple as having rough doggy style sex, while talking dirty, you can also incorporate slightly edgier aspects into your play. These could include hair pulling, face slapping (never strike anywhere near the ear though as this can pop someone's ear drum), nibbling and sex toys", Emily says.

7. Use accessories

When it comes to props, it doesn't have to get expensive. "Simply re-purpose something that you already have in the house," says Emily. "Ties, scarves and dressing gown cords can all be used to restrain a partner (though never use anything that you really value. There's always the risk that you'll have to cut your partner out of their bonds if the knots get too tight and you don't want to destroy your favourite tie in doing so). Though tights and stockings would seem fit for the purpose, they are less than ideal as the knots can tighten to ridiculous levels and the fabric can dig in uncomfortably."

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8. Outside of the bedroom

Enjoying bondage? Have a little fun outside the bedroom, as, crucially for Emily, it's not all about sex: "If you decide that you'd like to play with the idea in other ways, wearing a partner's choice of outfit is a good place to start. The collar is the classic slave item of clothing, signifying that the 'slave' is 'owned' by their partner. These come in numerous varieties from pink fake fur-lined leatherette to intimidating-looking spiked metal collars."

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