The phone rang after dinner. Some poor bloke at a call centre in East Richmond was doing a survey for Public Transport Victoria and the public transport service providers. It wouldn't take too long.

The questions turned out to be an exhaustive inquiry into what I thought about every aspect of Melbourne's trams, scored from zero (extremely dissatisfied) to 10 (totally satisfied). PTV was on a customer-feedback mission to find messages they could massage into good-news stories about public transport in this city.

Authorised officers on public transport are not popular. Credit:Eddie Jim

The questions began. How did I feel about the frequency of the service at the times I used it? (There could always be more trams. Six.) How did I feel about the electronic timetable information? (TramTracker? Seven.) The timetable at my local stop? (A faded print-out behind a dirty plastic shield in tiny type. Four.) The shelter and seating at my local stop (there isn't any), the lighting at night (too little), graffiti at tram stops (there's not enough. Is that a zero or a 10)?

How did I feel about crowding on trams? The temperature on trams in summer? In winter? How safe did I feel on trams during the day? How safe did I feel at night? (Too crowded, too hot, just right, very, very.)