Marcus on Emmy

What were you hoping for?

To meet my future first wife.

First impressions?

She head-butted a metal bar when she stood up to greet me, which really made me laugh.

What did you talk about?

Feather dusters, squirrels, oblique Peep Show references, secrets to a happy marriage, the newly formed divot in her skull, our 19 times table.

Any awkward moments?

Only pregnant pauses for comic effect.

Good table manners?

I wouldn’t know, we swapped all the food for a hyper-kitsch Octopus cocktail that serves eight.

Best thing about Emmy?

She drinks like a champ and makes me grin.

Would you introduce her to your friends?

Absolutely, if there’s one thing my friendship group is missing it’s a funny northerner.

Describe Emmy in three words

Dead good value.

What do you think she made of you?

I think she probably thinks I’m a drunk. She did also tell me I was sexy, which always goes down well.

Did you go on somewhere?

The only place that was open was a metal bar (ironic?), which had some good tunes and terrible gin and tonics.

And... did you kiss?

What do you think?

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?

I’d have been born earlier.

Marks out of 10?

Easily a 9.

Would you meet again?

I believe we have got a second date in the pipeline.

Emmy on Marcus

What were you hoping for?

Ideally my future husband, but failing that, material for my next Edinburgh show.

First impressions?

He was tall.

What did you talk about?

Comedy, karaoke, hiking, bad erotica, what scores we were going to give each other on this questionnaire...

Any awkward moments?

The metal bar/head incident.

Good table manners?

Mostly. Although he plays it fast and loose with the three-second rule.

Best thing about Marcus?

He’s extremely confident and knows what he wants.

Would you introduce him to your friends?

My friends are all northern and loud, so I’m sure he’d fit in.

Describe Marcus in three words

Intelligent, funny, forward.

What do you think he made of you?

Well, he told me he fancied me, so…

Did you go on somewhere?

Yes, we went to a metal bar (because apparently I can’t get enough of them).

And... did you kiss?

A lady never tells. But I’m not a lady. So, yes.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?

I’d have rescheduled for a Friday rather than a Tuesday. Ouch.

Marks out of 10?

A solid 8.9.

Would you meet again?

Yes, we’re planning to meet next week.

• Marcus and Emmy ate at Laki Kane, London N1.

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