(Mind you, this is all happening moments after Sarah Palin was revealed to be a Masked Singer, in keeping with this news cycle’s commitment to being a heavy-handed Edgar Allan Poe story.)

The president, no doubt sensing that the nation was feeling anxious in the early throes of the pandemic, realized that hearing and seeing exactly who was in charge was what we needed to reassure us. But first, according to Politico, he waited for Jared Kushner to conduct some independent research into the question of coronavirus and come to his own conclusions. (This raised terrifying questions, like: All this time, has Trump thought that Kushner was genuinely the best man for every job? Is it not nepotism, after all? I just assumed Kushner was being put in charge of difficult problems because of corruption, but this raises an even more alarming specter. If all along they have actually been applying themselves as best they could, things are even worse than I suspected!)

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Trump informed Americans that, out of an abundance of caution, he would be canceling all travel to the United States from Europe, but not immediately, and not including Britain! Starting Friday. And also cargo. Correction: Actually, the cargo was still coming, and also, American citizens and permanent residents could come back from Europe. Trump also said that coronavirus care co-pays would be covered by insurance. Correction: They will not be. In other words, he said, everything is under control. Correction: It is not!

This was just the kind of thing that was needed to soothe the markets, which were too high. They are now lower, which is much more relaxing for them.

To make matters better or worse, Joe Biden addressed Americans the next day about the crisis. In the parallel universe where he is president, everything would be going much better, he assured us. No expense would be spared (this is one advantage of not actually being in charge; you can really spend all the money you would like, in exactly the best way), and millions of tests would be in the hands of Americans. No one would say xenophobic things about the virus. People would listen to science. Lives would be saved.

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This was inspiring and presidential in a way, but also had the impact of reminding us that he was not, in fact, in charge of anything. For all the good it would do, I could give an address myself about an appropriate national response to the coronavirus.

Instead, Donald Trump is in charge. As the president himself said after he had concluded his remarks but before his mic was turned off: “Oookayyyy."

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