[Editor’s Note: In light of the recent news the the cast of the Big Bang Theory stands to make $1mil per episode over the next three years, plus 1% in equity (resulting in $90-100mil per actor), I figured what better time than today to republish this masterpiece?]

I have several arch nemesis’ in the entertainment world. Off the top of my head, there’s Nick Cannon, Criss Angel “Mindfreak”, Jaden Smith, Flo from the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials, Taylor Lautner, and, of course, celebrity chef Guy Fieri. I staunchly detest everyone on that list, especially Guy Fieri, who I have a longstanding blood feud with.

But my hatred for all the aforementioned combined pales in comparison to the entire cast of The Big Bang Theory. As anyone who may follow me on social media already knows, I loathe The Big Bang Theory with the white-hot fury of 1,000 suns. Even on their worst days, Lautner and Flo couldn’t evoke the level of discontent I have for this show.

I don’t get it. I truly don’t. This thing is consistently nothing more than a televised pile of dog shit, yet it pulls in monster ratings. Make no mistake about it, I’m more than aware that TBBT is a massive success in every way, shape and form. Not only are the first run episodes still drawing huge numbers, but the syndicated episodes have slowly but surely been replacing Seinfeld in many markets.

What! The! Fuck!?

The Big Bang Theory is simply not funny! It’s not. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “But it is!”, you’re just wrong. Sorry, but your brain is wired incorrectly. Its success insults me not only as a comedy writer, but also as an intelligent human being who knows funny. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is funny. Workaholics is funny. South Park is funny. Arrested Development is funny. Underrated series’ like FX’s Legit and Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital are funny. But this tired, uninspired and predictably corny series, my friends, is not. In fact, if you were to ask this guy, it’s the drizzling shits.

And the thing is, while it always rates well, 9 out of 10 people usually agree with my point of view. It’s like cocaine. You know people are using it, but no one’s openly admitting it. Much like no one proudly shouts, “Hey, guess what!? I’m coked up out of my mind!”, no one ever tweets “I find The Big Bang Theory hilarious!”

For the past year or so, every so often I’ll log onto Twitter and post my Big Bang Theory Challenge. What, pray tell, is the Big Bang Theory Challenge, you ask? It’s when I invite any fan of the show to send me a YouTube clip of the show. If it successfully makes me so much as smile, I will immediately PayPal that person 20 bucks.

No one’s been paid. They likely never will. Why? Because I’ve seen funnier eulogies.

I hate that we live in a world where Jim Parsons beats Louie C.K. in anything! Louie is hands down one of the most talented comic minds I’ll ever live to see. I say that with all sincerity. And at the 2013 Emmys, Jim Parsons beat out not only Louie, but also Jason Bateman, Alec Baldwin and Don Cheadle.

Again – What! The! Fuck!?

How is this happening?! And I’m not slamming Parsons just to slam him. He was good in Garden State. He has talent. But you watch Alec Baldwin deliver one impeccably written, sharp bit of dialogue in 30 Rock and you immediately realize he’s infinitely more deserving of the trophy. The Big Bang Theory characters aren’t even nerds. They’re the old-timey, outdated nerd stereotype. They’re the nerd Halloween costume. Tough acting, that certainly is not.

Try acting like a nerd around your house right now. Do it. Seriously. Pretty fucking easy, right? Hell, maybe you’ll win an Academy Award!

And the writing is abysmal. The formula, for damn near every joke, is as follows. Nerds are so gosh darn nerdy that they can’t act normal in regular life! Wash. Rinse. Repeat. For example, here’s a bit of gut-busting dialogue that’d surely crack up the CBS writing room:

“Sheldon, do you want a piece of pie?”

“A piece of pie? Are you asking if I want to divide 3.14? If so, what should I divide it by? (pulls out calculator)”

YUCK.

If Kate Upton threw me up against a wall and said two things – 1. I want to have sex with you. And 2. I love The Big Bang Theory – I’d have an existential crisis.

Either way, regardless of my diatribe, this undeserving wheel will continue to spin for years to come. Because, sadly, Mid America actively devours awful humor, like so many Full Throttle Chicken Blasters at one of Guy Fieri’s crappy restaurants.

Ugh.

Cheers.