The follow is satire. Take nothing said in it seriously.

Recently, state lawmakers in places like Georgia, Alabama, and Ohio have been recognizing unborn (and no, I have no idea what that prefix means) humans as people. As a proud pro-lifer, I’m very happy states are doing this because federal law is nonsense except when I like it. However, I must ask why it stops there.

Of course, there’s the obvious need to make animals people (as people are animals) and cause anyone who eats meat to be charged with cannibalism. After all, they’re eating a person. But that’s another story.

Instead, this article will be focusing on the need to declare the most oppressed form of life a person: Bacteria. After all, fetuses, corporations, and Lake Erie are all people. This is proof the term must be expanded farther, as the only way society could be wrong is if they make abortion legal.

Did you know that murdering bacteria is legal yet having a dungeon where you torture — not kill mind you — cats are illegal? This means I could hypothetically get arrested for torturing cats but not for committing an act of murder. Don’t ask why I care so much about my right to torture cats.

(Hi, just to be clear, I’m making fun of this. Pro-Lifers usually don’t torture cats, it’s one of the only good things about them.)

People are encouraged to kill bacteria regularly. School teaches us to wash our hands as often as possible. Doctors tell us to have antibiotics whenever we’re sick. Women tell me to take a shower after I come up to them with my “I’m Pro-Life Change My Mind” shirt on despite the fact that goes against my morals.

Some may call me a hypocrite as I still wash my hands to prevent bacterial infections and would get the death plenty in many states if laws I agree with were enacted before I was born. But you’re dumb because it was actually society forcing me to commit murder by giving me the right to control what is in and on my body. You see, if something is legal that means you are forced to do it by law. Many don’t realize this but that’s completely how it works. Remember when pot became legal in Colorado? Now, everyone in Colorado is forced by law to smoke pot.

Others may say prohibition doesn’t work. Well, you support prohibition in other areas. And if you don’t you’re a heartless monster who is thinking too emotionally because you’re a psychopath.

I end with this, genocide is defined as “That thing the NAZI’s did.” Do you know what else the NAZI’s did? Dehumanize people. If you are still saying that bacteria isn’t a person after this airtight argument, you must be a NAZI.