Aquatic Threats

What is it about the Narwhal that gets people so excited?

Seriously, I was over at a friend’s house the other day and I told her I was writing up a shirt that just happened to have a narwhal on it. I thought my ears were going to burst, she squealed so much. And then she was all like “What’s the narwhal doing on the print? Is he frolicking merrily among with others of his kind in a magical underwater play land of wonders?”

“Nah,” I answered. “Nothing like that.”

“Can you tell me? Please oh please oh please, tell me. I love narwhals so very very much, from the bottom of its caudal fin to the tippy top of his tusk. If you tell me, I’ll tell my Nutty For Narwhal Club! We’ll buy tons of them! And we’ll even wear them to our annual Monodon-Con! Please! I need to know or my mind will explode with anticipation!”

She was shaking at this point, all red-faced with eyes bulging out of her skull and seething through clenched teeth. “Uh, it’s not a big deal, dude,” I told her. “Why not just wait until the shirt goes up on the site? It’ll be a surprise.”

I still don’t know how I ended up against the wall so fast, let alone where she got the knife from. But suddenly, there I was, blade at my neck and a woman I thought I knew now in the midst of Narwhal Madness. “Don’t play games with me, you wretch. I asked a simple question and I think I deserve a simple answer with none of your lip. Bladey McStabberson agrees with me, don’t you?” She brought the knife closer to my throat. “See that? He totally agrees.”

“DUDE! Just… just calm down. Just put the knife down and let’s talk. It’s only a shirt, alriGAAAAAAAHHHH!” My left arm exploded in pain as she jabbed the knife into it. Then, with her free hand, she grabbed my hair and slammed the back of my head into the plaster behind me. Through tears, I gazed at her in utter disbelief. “W-w-why are you doing this?!”

“Here’s a better question: WHY WON’T YOU JUST ANSWER ME?”

“Please… I… I don’t want to die. It’s just a studious narwhal reading a book with several others run through on its horn. That’s… all it is.”

“REALLY?!” She withdrew the blade from my arm and dropped it to the floor. She began clapping her hands and giggling with maniacal glee. “That’s about the cutest thing ever! O! M! G!” Her eyes reeled in her head as pure elation swept over her. Seeing my opportunity to escape, I knocked her to the ground with every ounce of strength I could muster and headed for the door.

I could hear her yelling from the house as I fled, clutching my bloody arm against me. “DON’T YOU SCREW THIS UP, PILOT! IF YOU DON’T GIVE THE MAJESTIC UNICORN OF THE SEA ITS PROPER DUE, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! DO YOU HEAR ME, WRITER MONKEY?! I WILL FIND YOU AND RAIN DOWN THE FURY OF A THOUSAND DEMONS TO TEAR YOUR SOUL TO SHREDS!”

If I am dead by the time this sale ends, tell my wife I love her.

Wear this shirt: while swimming in the ocean. Also, while battling polar bears or Cthulu.

Don’t wear this shirt: unless you are causing a commotion.

This shirt tells the world: “Hooked on Monodon monoceros worked for me!”

We call this color: Baby Blue Beluga (which is in the same family so it totally counts)

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