TORONTO – In an effort to stop the spread of COVID-19, Toronto Pride has been cancelled and corporations are scrambling to figure out how they can best commodify queer culture this year.

“Pride month is so important to us,” said Susan Barns, spokesperson for the Diversity and Inclusion Committee of one of Canada’s major banks. ”It’s an opportunity to put a rainbow in our logo, pat ourselves on the back for our allyship, and completely glaze over the fact that historically we wanted nothing to do with the LGBTQ2IA+ community. I guess we’ll have to find something else to do with all these 7,000 rainbow stickers…”

According to Susan, they also had to scrap a nationwide photo campaign featuring all their queer employees in upper management roles because they didn’t have any.

“Toronto’s LGBTQ2IA+ community is very important to us,” added clothing conglomerate Henri Moto, whose company sponsored the World Cup in Russia. “Who else is going to purchase our Pride line of t-shirts embossed with SLAY, WERQ, and other appropriated queer refrences? Yeah obviously straight women but who else?”

Toronto Pride has already released a statement expressing concern that the cancellation will significantly impact the small businesses, bars, artists, musicians, and drag performers that rely on the influx of earnings made during that time. Not to mention the muscle gays who’ve been working out all year so that they can dance shirtless in a parking lot. But of course no one is suffering more than a vodka company that has already spent 1/100th of their promotions budget building a float.

When asked if the corporations would instead donate the thousands of dollars allocated towards their parade float to the community, Adam Fields, a representative from a major tech company, explained that unless companies can make a corporate video, showcasing employees throwing rainbow beads at a crowd, in slow motion and under upbeat music, it doesn’t count. “It’s the whole if a tree falls in a forest delihema except, the tree is ‘supporting LGBTQ2IA+ folk’ and the forest is a ‘PR opportunity’.”

At press time, Toronto Police were furious at Pride for finding a way to not let them march in the parade again this year.