1. I’m wondering if I could pick your brain about something: Help me please I am dying.

2. Looking forward to your thoughts!: Respond to me promptly, asshole.

3. Just wanted to follow up: Why the F have you not responded to my last note.

4. I happened to notice your great work on ____ : I’ve spent 3+ hours painstakingly researching your past work in an attempt to ingratiate myself with you.

5. That’s fair: You win this round, Dr. Doom…

6. Let’s circle back on this: I can’t deal with u right now.

7. Great! (1 exclamation point): Sure, whatev.

8. Great!! (2 exclamation points): I agree, and want you to like me.

9. Great!!!!!! (3+ exclamation points): Either I am desperately trying to ingratiate myself with you, or, have just had my fourth cup of coffee.

10. Great. (no exclamation points): I hate you.

11. Gre34%111at!!!!!: I am on Adderall.

12. Best: We don’t know each other and never will.

13. The one initial sign-off: We’re chill as hell.

14. Regards: I am over 40.

15. YOLO: I am an asshole whose friends refer to me only by my last name.

16. I know you’re busy…: You never respond to me and you’re not that important.

17. Thanks so much for your understanding: Email — Making passive aggression exponentially easier since the early ’80’s.

18. Can’t help with this at the moment, but I’ll let you know if anything comes up!: Already forgotten what you were asking me.

19. Let’s move forward with the current plan: If we spend one more minute deliberating on this I will be physically ill.

20. Thanks so much!!: Sure, whatev.

21. Please advise: No really. F*cking help me now!

Read our latest novel — a story of love lost and love found, told entirely in emails, chats, and text messages.