DeMarcus Ware‘s eyes peer down at the list in front of him and a grin slowly forms.

“Let me see this,” he says as he grabs the booklet and his glasses, then eases back into his chair.

For minutes Ware sits and stares, scouring the list of victimized quarterbacks and reflecting on his 138.5 sacks over his 12-year NFL career. Memories flood his mind, and his grin grows wider with each.

He recalls that time he got Peyton Manning.

“That was a good one,” he says with a chuckle.

He jokingly thinks of the relief Eli Manning must feel after taking 14.5 of those sacks.

He thinks of the toughest one to get: Philip Rivers.

“I still don’t know what it means, really,” Ware says. “I guess it means hard work. I think it’s just all hard work, and technique learned over time. And having fun.”

This is a first for the recent retiree. Never before has Ware sat and looked back over his statistical accomplishments as one of the NFL’s leading pass-rushers. Back at his home outside Dallas, he has bins stuffed with all the newspapers and magazine stories written about him. He kept every one, but he never allowed himself to see them as a player.

Humility leads to greatness, he says.

“I told myself, ‘Don’t get caught up. Stay focused and keep your head down and everything will be all right,’ ” he says. “That’s always been my motto: If you don’t get caught up in the hype, you can do something great.”

As does making the right but often difficult decisions.

In February, during the week of festivities for Super Bowl LI in Houston, Ware told anyone who would listen that he was coming back for a 13th NFL season. And he meant every word. Two months had passed since his back surgery, and he felt better than he did when he signed with Denver in 2014.

He was ready. His mind, his body — ready.

But on March 13, after weeks of introspection, he surprised the NFL — his coaches and teammates included — with a message on Twitter that read: “After a lot of thought and prayer, I’ve decided to accept the unknown and retire from my NFL career.”

As soon as he clicked “publish,” a wave of relief rushed over him before an onslaught of emotions hit.

For two days, he sat alone, thinking, reflecting and praying.

Something changed in Ware between early February and mid-March, and it had nothing to do with opportunity, or lack thereof. Ware says he had offers from three teams — the Rams, Cowboys and Broncos — and he believes he could have performed well for any of them. In fact, he admits that had his contract with the Broncos not expired, he would have been back this year.

But his recent thoughts extended beyond 2017.

“You start thinking about your quality of life,” he says. “You still have the desire to get out there and play and compete and win championships. But my body was talking to me.”

What if his troublesome back were to give out when he tried to lift his 9-year-old daughter? What if he could no longer playfully wrestle with his 6-year-old son, or help coach him in flag football?

“Football life is pretty short,” says Ware, 34. “But your life after football is a long time, and what type of quality do you have?”

A difficult decision

Walking away was hard, and for Ware, his improved health made it even harder. The searing pain he suffered for nearly two years with the Broncos is no longer there, and the perpetual nicks that come with a career in the NFL no longer plague him. But it was still time.

“It wasn’t about the money anymore,” he says. “It was about a way of life. How do I want to live? Because I knew God gave me 12 years to play this game, and now we’ve cleaned up everything those 12 years have cost my body. Going out here one more year and possibly tearing it up — is it worth it?”

Few outside the Broncos’ locker room knew just how bad it got for Ware, with the bulging disc in his back that led to an infection in the 2016 offseason and eventually ruptured last year. Few knew that when he rang up 3.5 sacks in the Broncos’ 2015 postseason, he was in agony. Few knew the depth of the frustration Ware felt as he returned from one major injury (the back) last September, only to suffer another one two games in with a fractured forearm that was never really pain-free after surgery.

In two years with Denver, Ware missed 10 games because of injuries.

“Retirement still didn’t cross my mind,” he says, thinking back to last season. “For me, it was what I had to take to endure the pain — all the pain meds I had to take. No one is really fully healthy. I don’t care what anyone says. Not in football, where you have no regard for your body and you just go out there and play.

“Once I herniated my disc last season — and I played for like three games with a herniated disc — I’d sit down in meetings not knowing if I’d be able to get up. This is stuff people don’t know you go through because I love playing football. I love the Denver Broncos. It’s a passion of mine because I’m not just playing for myself; I’m playing for those other guys and I’m leading those guys in any way possible. When I get out there for the game, I can see the smile on the guys’ faces because they know what I endured the whole week just to get out there.”

Ware didn’t know it at the time, but his career ended on Christmas Day in Kansas City, the same time and place his former coach Gary Kubiak decided enough was enough, too.

“That game, I was hurting so bad,” Ware says. “I told myself, ‘You need to just get yourself fixed.'”

The word “retirement” typically brings discomfort. Ware couldn’t fathom uttering the word two months ago, and even still it feels strange.

But scary? Nerve-wracking? Nah. Not for Ware.

Excited for the future

Following his two days of reflection and prayer after quietly announcing his decision on social media, any uneasiness Ware felt turned to excitement and a renewed vigor.

“From that point, the weight was lifted off me and I felt a big relief,” he says. “I’m not nervous at all. I’m curious. I’m really curious about what’s next. But I’m one of those people who prepares and strategizes and whatever I get into, that becomes me and I enjoy it and love it.”

Ware’s days now are split between Denver and Dallas, and the plan is to keep it that way. He loves both cities and calls both home, and when the Cowboys play the Broncos this season, he hopes to be there, rooting on former teammates from both sides.

Finally, though, Ware can look back and relive the moments. When asked about his top accomplishment in the game, he evades talk of numbers and cites his role as a leader and mentor to guys like Von Miller and Shane Ray. When asked if he could change anything about his career, he pauses before saying: “I gave it everything I had, so from a football standpoint, there was nothing more I could do. But from a mentor standpoint, I feel like I should have done more, not just in the locker room, but have like a group and bring all the guys together and talk about life and delve even deeper so you can change guys off the field.”

Ware wants his legacy built on his teaching life-coaching. But looking back, he says, is different from looking in the rear-view mirror. This retirement is definite.

“Once I make a decision, that’s it,” he says.

Phase 2 for Ware is well underway, but he’s not giving away any secrets. He can in retirement — there are no rules — but he won’t just yet.

“I’m been working on some things,” he says slyly. “Just still trying to keep the football atmosphere where I can touch guys’ lives and still be in the locker room and still talk to them and still try to effect change. Right now I’m spending a lot of time with family, and I’m enjoying that time.

“But now I can go back and open those bins.”