Does bisexual male activity automatically mean a man is gay?

—

Future Cooper Note: This post was written when I was very unsure whether or not to come out as bisexual on Life on the Swingset. It was a difficult position to be in as I saw how poorly bisexual males were treated. I thought I could work the system from the inside by raising awareness.

♦◊♦

There is a huge double standard in the swinging lifestyle when it comes to acceptance of bisexual males.

We all know this, it’s endemic. As swingers we seem perfectly happy that our women are bisexual. We encourage, and expect them to be, so often. Some more than others, but by and large, definitely bisexual. Now don’t jump down my throat here, I’m well aware that straight swinging females exist, and probably in a decent sized number, but wouldn’t we all agree that the vast majority of females in the lifestyle are bi?

This fact isn’t really shocking, as even the mainstream vanilla world has embraced girl-on-girl action in the past ten to fifteen years. So when a lifestyle such as swinging presents itself as an option, affording them the opportunity to play with girls, well, there ya go. That’s where the bi girl inside comes out. Many of the swing couples I’ve met said that this was one of the prominent reasons they got into this lifestyle in the first place: so Mrs. could play with another woman.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

You raise the call for bisexual males, however, and tumbleweeds blow by. Invisible because it’s been made very clear in club and party rules and pricing that a man who wants to play with another man is an unwelcome addition to the scene.

This doesn’t make sense.

♦◊♦

Let’s check out the Kinsey scale. Most of us have heard of it, but I’d wager few actually know it beyond the name.

This is the Kinsey Scale.

Back when Kinsey did his extensive sexuality research in the 1950s, he found that 11.6% of white males between the ages of 20 and 35 identified themselves as a 3, which as you can see sits right smack in the middle on the scale. This identification means roughly equal amounts of sexual contact with the same sex as sexual contact with the opposite sex for the period of time the study covered, with pretty much the same percentage for females.

Interesting.

♦◊♦

There are a number of conclusions we can draw from this.

First, that the results could be flawed because it was so bad to admit to any homosexual feelings back then, so gays could be sliding further towards 0 than they otherwise would. But even with a bit of a skew, roughly one in ten men and one in ten women identified themselves as bisexual during Kinsey’s research. And that was back when men were manly, right?

Many of the swing couples I’ve met said that this was one of the prominent reasons they got into this lifestyle in the first place: so Mrs. could play with another woman. You raise the call for bisexual males, however, and tumbleweeds blow by.

With society opening up a bit (‘cuz it has) and men being allowed to shrug off the shackles of the old school ideal of Man , it stands to reason that the number would be at least the same, but more likely higher. If the number of bisexuals isn’t increasing, surely the number of people who feel they can admit it must be.

Now here’s where it gets more interesting to me. The statistic I choose to repeat, even though I’m sure it’s woefully inaccurate, is that 1 in 70 people are swingers.

We’re going to do some fun math here, with actual statistics drawn from other websites without citing my sources. So, take or leave the accuracy, this is just food for thought. It’s also been a long time since I did any math with desired accuracy.

If my figuring is wrong, well, I’m not claiming to be a scholar.

Why the bias? Many think it’s because bi males still fall under the unfortunate stigma of homosexuality in the 80s, and the fact that it was quite common to see AIDS as a gay disease back then. Some assholes still think it is exclusively a gay disease, and they’re ignorant assholes.

There are 309,699,000 people in the US as of this moment according to Google. 75% of them are over the age of 20, giving us 232,274,250 adults. By Kinsey’s numbers (numbers that are over 60 years old) there are 26,943,813 bisexuals out there. So, now if 1 in 70 people are swingers, that assumes 4,424,271 swingers in the US, with at least 442,427 of them being bisexuals.

With the ratio of bisexual women being sky high in the lifestyle, wouldn’t it follow that that number seems quite low for bisexual or at least bi-curious males?

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Now, a characteristic I would give many swingers is their willingness to be open to new ideas sexually. Generally speaking, the people who’re going to cad around and just fuck, and that’s what it’s all about for them, just go ahead and commit adultery and leave the hassle of swinging out of it. So let’s say that half of the swingers, just over two and a quarter -million people, are this more enlightened and open-minded group that I speak of.

Wouldn’t it follow that those would be more likely to allow for the possibility of a bisexual experience? To try it?

♦◊♦

I’ll try anything once, twice in case I did it wrong the first time.

It’s a good motto, and it’s one espoused on many swinger profiles.

On the very first swinger profile I listed myself as bi-curious because I figured, “Why on Earth would I want to limit myself when presented with the unlimited bounty of sexual possibility.” The Mr. of our first couple suggested I change my answer or suffer the desert of responses and the slings and arrows of the swinger community.

So I did. Male: Straight. Why the bias?

Many think it’s because bi males still fall under the unfortunate stigma of homosexuality in the 80s, and the fact that it was quite common to see AIDS as a gay disease back then.

Some assholes still think it is exclusively a gay disease, and they’re ignorant assholes.

Truth be told, anal sex is more likely to spread STIs than most other sexual activities. But, with a condom, that “more likely” is almost completely negated.

♦◊♦

Then is it just paranoia about STIs? Doubtful.

I think it’s predominantly fear of what your peer group would say. It’s amusing to me the profiles that say “MY HUBBY AIN’T BI, SO WE DON’T WANT THAT!” The dialect is due to the fact that it is a direct quote, capitalized yelling and all. It seems so close to the general homophobia amongst men that say, “I just don’t like the idea of him looking at me.”

On the very first swinger profile I listed myself as bi-curious because I figured, “Why on Earth would I want to limit myself…” The Mr. of our first couple suggested I change my answer or suffer the desert of responses and the slings and arrows of the swinger community.

Despite many lifestyle nights not including any bisexual female activity (even when both females are bisexual) a not insignificant number assume that the moment there’s a bisexual male in the mix, it means he’s gonna want to put his d*ck in you.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

The proverbial “you.” You know, the homophobic male “you.”

I’ve spoken to a LOT of bi male swingers, and all but one are listed as straight on their profile. When speaking to couples, they generally realize pretty quickly that I’m 100% open to any kink. Nothing fazes me. I may not understand or be interested, but it doesn’t matter to me if it’s your groove.

Except those foolish non-exclusive bareback couples. Yeah, I’m talking to you! You’re part of the STI problem! All it takes is the realization that I am not going to judge them for their interest.

So what this suggests is that there are a lot of bisexual males in the lifestyle who’d love to come out of the bisexual closet if only they could be guaranteed that they wouldn’t be judged.

♦◊♦

So I’ll leave you by trashing an idea that I’ve heard all around the lifestyle: the idea that bi male activity makes one gay.

Does that mean your wives and girlfriends are gay now? Because from where I sit they’ve been eating a lot of p*ssy and still come back for the c*ck.

Interesting.

This essay originally appeared in the memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory.

—

Photo credit: Flickr/vK8uqG