Well, if you insist….





Step 1. Lay out your hearts on a piece of parchment paper on a cookie sheet. You can do it freeform or with a pattern. I used a food coloring pen to make a light outline on the parchment paper; you can also use a (big) cookie cutter as a guide or form.



Step 2. Mist with water. That’s a light spray, not super-soaker, got it? (This step is important– don’t skip it.)



Step 3. Add the second layer. Match the same outline, and try to make most of the hearts rest on at least two below. (That will help the pile stick together.) Careful not to slide the pieces around too much.



Step 4. After arranging the second layer, mist with water again. Preheat the oven to 300 F.



Step 5. Bake 40 minutes at 300 F. Important: When the time is up, turn the oven off without opening the door, and let it cool slowly in the oven over the next couple of hours. (Your heart will break if it cools too quickly.)



Final Step. Once cool, you can remove it from the oven and cookie sheet. Handle gently.



“Love You… Do Good.”



“How Nice”



“Cloud Nine”



And here’s how the bottom looks. Note the incomplete fusion on the upper left side.



Before you ask how it tastes, please note that we don’t exactly recommend that you go around eating things like this in place of actual food.

The flavor of (raw) conversation hearts is best described as somewhere between that of various competing chewable tablets for upset stomachs. After baking the texture changed substantially, to something approximating that of the ultra-hard freeze-dried micro-miniature marshmallows that lurk in certain packets of instant hot cocoa. The faux fruit flavors are now muted with subtle toasty overtones.

(Now for the record: let no one say that we don’t make sacrifices in the name of research.)