Welcome to my first season of reviews of Game of Thrones. I’ve read all the books and have taken a deep dive on the book subreddit so I’ll be writing from the perspective of someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire and may reference book theories/spoilers.

First and foremost to everyone bitching that the episode was slow and boring and that Game of Thrones is losing it’s fastball: shut the fuck up. I saw this complaint on twitter last night and it’s the same complaint I see every year after the premiere. The whole point of the premiere is to remind general audiences (aka people who probably aren’t tweeting about the show or reading recaps and reviews) what happened last year, who the main characters are/what’s going on with them, and set the stage for the rest of the season. It’s not to go balls to the wall episode 1. I don’t know how people can’t seem to grasp this. Okay rant over and onto the review.

Before the credits even start to roll we get Arya “The Westerosi Terminator” Stark murdering all of the Freys which was amazing. I’m actually kind of torn on this. Don’t get me wrong it was great seeing Frey get his throat cut last season and watching his family die off all at once in about 30 seconds but I’ve hated what they’ve done with Arya in the show. She was arguably the best character for so long and now is basically a terminator out to kill everyone, which yes is cool and all but I don’t think it’s a good arc for her character. No one should be able to get stabbed in the stomach 9 times, fall into shit infested water, almost drown, climb out, and walk it off in Westeros. Fucking Drogo died from a small knife wound getting infected back in season 1 and he was 10x the badass as Arya!

The episode proper starts off with Bran’s latest vision showing us the Night King and his army of wights (plus a few undead giants that I can’t wait to see wreck people in battle) marching south. While this is going on Meera and Bran finally get to the wall which was great to see. I saw a lot of people surprised they made it so quick but they were only a mile or so from the wall when Benjen dropped them off last season so I’m glad it wasn’t dragged out like everyone thought it would be. Plus anytime we can get Edd on screen it’s great.

From here we jump to Kings Landing to see how Cersei is faring as queen. Turns out she sucks at it, is more delusional than usual, and has a drinking problem. Glad to see Jaime was giving her the looks I’m sure every normal person would in that situation which was basically a series of, “what the fuck are you talking about? we’re kind of screwed everyone hates us because you blew up their family members” looks. She even calls Tommen a traitor because he killed himself after she blew up his wife. RIP to Margery.

From here it jumps to showing us the Greyjoy fleet and Euron showing up in Kings Landing looking for an alliance/marriage. Here I’m torn. I actually liked Euron in this scene but he’s still nothing like the Euron of the books where he’s an absolute madman who’s in the process of turning himself into a god/raising a kraken from the ocean through blood sacrifice. But hey, maybe we’ll get there. Anyways, Cersei finally does something smart and sends him off to bring back a prize before they’ll officially team up and I’m guessing that prize will by Tyrion.

Back in Winterfell we get Jon pardoning Lord Umber and Lady Karstark for their parents alliances with Ramsey last season and Sansa is pissed af that he’s not killing them and taking away their homelands. Then it turns out to be a teenage girl and a little boy who clearly had no say or influence in what their parents did last season. Seriously Sansa what the fuck. I get she has seen enough people betray others to want to punish those who do but you don’t get to say Robb should have been harsher when him killing a Karstark was exactly what led to them rebelling in the first place. Also Littlefinger looks like he gets a full hardon while watching Salsa and Jon disagree in public. Side note: he also totally looks like someone who watches incest porn and then gets upset when the people in it call out that they’re only step brother/sisters.

We do get to check in with Sam at the Citadel and I just want him to die already. Yes, I’ve read all the theories that say that the whole show is him writing down or recounting what happened in the future but I hope to god he dies and dies soon. He’s the worst fucking character and somehow that damn baby has barely grown in 5 years despite Bran being taller than Hodor now. Fuck Sam and I’m glad he has to clean shit for a living now. Also we get a cool Jorah cameo who seems to be in quarantine/being treated for his greyscale finally.

Check in on Sandor and the Brotherhood without Banners. Seems like the hound is regretting his whole life a lot more now and took the time to bury the dead family that he and Arya robbed back in season 4. Also he apparently can look into the fire and see better visions than Mel. Was she the worst red priest ever? I feel like if Stannis had literally anyone else with him he would have gotten better advice/visions. She really sucks at her job.

When we check back in with Dany she’s FINALLY arriving in Westeros. This has literally been the goal for her from her first scene in episode 1. As a book reader who still has to deal with her shit across the ocean this was great. I’ve actually felt like I was watching something for the first time. Yes I know we passed the books last season but most of what we got was at least hinted at in the books so this is brand new territory. Only question I have is why the hell was Dragonstone left undefended? If Stannis didn’t leave a garrison behind then why didn’t the Tyrells or Cersei send a force to take control of it in the meantime? I know it’s different in the books but I wish they would have given an explanation in the show – even as simple as the garrison ran the fuck away when they saw a fleet and dragons coming.

One last thing that really stood out to me watching the episode is that the “game of thrones” is really over for the show. For so long the political intrigue and backstabbing was amazing and last season that ended when Cersei blew up the Sept. In one move she killed Margaery, and the High Sparrow, and King Tommen, and Ser Loras, and Kevan, and Mace Tyrell. There’s no one left anymore. Yes we don’t know who will end up on the throne in the end but it’s mostly now just wars and yes I’m sure there will be some alliances and betrayals coming up but it’s not going to be anywhere near as good as the first 6 seasons – the characters that are left don’t care enough about it.

Be sure to follow me on twitter @dgood826