EDM’s equivalent to Macaulay Culkin, Martin Garrix, has reportedly been spotted scouting Amsterdam’s maternity wards in a bid to find the freshest talent for a new record label that he is about to launch.

Garrix had a much publicised split with Spinnin’ Records in August last year and is now believed to be on the cusp of launching a brand new label that will rival the Dutch powerhouse, originally founded in 1999.

“I represent the next generation in dance music and some of the older, more established labels seem to be stuck in the last century and unwilling to change,” claimed Garrix during an interview with Wunderground. “That’s why I had to split with Spinnin’ Records and my old management team. Once I heard none of them used Snapchat I was out of there quicker than I can send a dick pic to one of my fans.”

“I decided that the only way to really make my mark on the industry was to break away and start my own thing,” continued Garrix, born in Tiesto’s basement following an experiment with some sperm, a Ken doll and a thong thrown onto stage by a female fan in 1995. “Now, I’m very nearly ready to launch my own label, Freshmeat Records, I just need to find some of the hottest young producers around to ensure it kicks off with a bang.”

“That’s why I’ve been spending a lot of time in maternity wards, some people have been saying that I’ve just been there to try and see a few boobs during feeding time,” revealed the DJ and producer. “But that’s not true, sure, I do love a good boob and I might have been caught staring a couple of times recently but the main reason I’m there is to find the freshest new talent on the planet, and what better place to start.”

“We’ve all seen videos on the internet of kids as young as three or four DJing,” he claimed. “Well, what I’m looking for is something even better than that, I’m after babies who can be molded into EDM robots from a young age, making me, and their parents, very rich and most likely leaving them mentally and emotionally scarred, addicted to drugs and therefore easy to control. It’s a win win situation for me.”

According to sources, Garrix has signed in excess of fifty babies for his label, favouring white male newborns who cry in the key of e minor and show early signs of handsomeness.