Ah, Halloween. What began centuries ago as a ceremony celebrating the culmination of the harvest season has become a fête of horror and sex. Truly a sign of civilized progress. (Which should come as no surprise really -- you know what Freud says: "What comes between fear and sex? Fünf!")*

Not that the ancient celebrations didn't seem fun. It was believed that the conclusion of the harvest season was the one day a year that spirits could cross the line between the living and the dead, so people would dress in costume to blend in -- a tactic that would work great these days if the afterlife was rife with slutty nurses and construction workers.

But back then, it was all utilitarian. The entertainment value was low. There was no need to scare each other. The life expectancy was 35. That was scary enough. Likewise, these days who needs another Saw sequel when we've got a bevy of incompetent men vying for the opportunity to rule our nation for the next four years? As evidenced by these five videos, politicians are way scarier than fiction. We'll save the slutty nurses for another time.

Sen. Joe Biden on Indians

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Monster: Vampire

Tagline: "Like vampires, Joe Biden sucks."

Sure, the comparisons could stop at cheap puns, but there's so much more. Vampires are known for their fat wallets, brazen attitudes, and lack of concern for others. Biden, likewise, not a big fan of minorities. Nor vampires. When contacted for a quote on vampires, Biden said: "At least I'm not black, because they always get killed first. Which is strange because you would think they could outrun the vampires." Joe Biden: proof that you don't have to be racist to be an asshole, but it helps.

Gov. Bill Richardson on Homosexuality

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Monster: Skeleton

Tagline: "There's just not much there."

The skeleton is a benign monster. It seems frail, like it couldn't really hurt you if it tried. Kind of like Bill Richardson. Until you realize that there's no way to kill a skeleton because it's already dead. Kind of like Bill Richardson's campaign. Despite all his efforts to completely destroy his chances of becoming president, he just keeps showing up on TV again and again saying dumb things. My advice? Well, a little compassion wouldn't hurt. You know what they say, "Skeletons in closets shouldn't throw stones."

Sen. John McCain on Osama Bin Laden

Monster: Werewolf

Tagline: "Under certain circumstances a noticeable change takes place."

Interview John McCain and he seems composed, refined, and respectable. Throw John McCain in front of an audience and he turns into Sergeant Slaughter, whooping, hollering, and looking for something to bomb. He was thisclose to using air quotes around the words "mass murderer." That is the mark of a man who has lost his composure.

Mitt Romney on Medical Marijuana

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Monster: Ghost

Tagline: "When it gets frightened, it disappears."

If you've ever wondered how to get Mitt Romney to leave you alone, just ask him a difficult question. He'll run away so fast all that will be left where he was standing is a little cloud of dust in a Mitt Romney shape. They should change his campaign slogan to "Mitt Romney -- He'll Be There for You! (Unless You Have a Hard Question)." I don't know why he was running so fast anyway. It's not like the terminally ill patient in the wheelchair was going to catch him.

Bush on Cooperation

Monster: Frankenstein

Tagline: "The party created him, now they can't control him."

Make no mistake, it takes an effort to appear this incompetent. This isn't your run of the mill mispronunciation of a word or reading a book upside down. This is confusing your left and your right hands, which presumably have been in the same place your entire life. Come on, it makes the "L," George. "L" for "left."

* This is a German pun. In German, the number sequence "4, 5, 6" is pronounced "vier, fünf, sechs." The Germans aren't noted for their humor.

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