Man killed by S.F. police wrote apparent suicide note

Police investigators gather on Valencia Street after an officer-involved shooting at the San Francisco Police Mission Station in San Francisco, Calif., on Sunday, January 4, 2015. Police investigators gather on Valencia Street after an officer-involved shooting at the San Francisco Police Mission Station in San Francisco, Calif., on Sunday, January 4, 2015. Photo: Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle Photo: Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle Image 1 of / 3 Caption Close Man killed by S.F. police wrote apparent suicide note 1 / 3 Back to Gallery

San Francisco police searching the mobile phone of a man killed by two sergeants outside Mission Station said they discovered a letter titled “Dear Officer(s)” in which he pleaded with them not to feel responsible and stated, “I used you.”

Matthew Hoffman, a 32-year-old Bay Area resident, had the letter saved on his phone when he entered the restricted station lot at 630 Valencia St. at 5:20 p.m. Sunday, blocked three sergeants from leaving and pulled a replica gun from his waistband, police officials said Monday.

Hoffman was struck by three bullets fired by two of the sergeants and died later at San Francisco General Hospital. The “Dear Officer(s)” letter was one of several apparent suicide notes found on his phone, officials said.

“You did nothing wrong. You ended the life of a man who was too much of a coward to do it himself,” the note said. “I provoked you. I threatened your life as well as the lives of those around me.”

The letter, which police released with permission from Hoffman’s father, went on to say, “Please, don’t blame yourself. I used you. I took advantage of you. ... Please, take solace in knowing that the situation was out of your control. You had no other choice.”

Hoffman had raised suspicion hours before he was shot when he questioned Mission Station officers — who were responding to an unrelated call a few blocks away — about the guns and ammunition that San Francisco police use, and asked if the officers had ever been involved in any shootings.

In his note, Hoffman described himself as disconsolate.

“I just want to find peace within myself. I am so sad and I am so lonely,” the letter said. “There is no place for me here. ... I am so lost and I am so hopeless. God made a mistake with me. I shouldn’t be here.”

When the three sergeants who found him loitering in the restricted parking lot got out of their car to speak to him, police said, he put his hands in his front shirt pockets and lifted his sweater, revealing what appeared to be the butt of a handgun. The sergeants drew their service firearms as Hoffman pulled the gun from his waistband, and two fired at him, police said.

Gun banned in S.F.

The weapon Hoffman had was described as an air-powered BB gun and did not have an orange-colored tip on its barrel to identify it as a toy. Such guns are prohibited in San Francisco, even if they feature an orange tip mandated by federal law.

The Mission Station parking lot has a fence with a gate on one side but is blocked only by metal barricades on the other side. Signs near the gate read “Do not enter” and “Only police personnel beyond this point.”

Hoffman was not the first to trespass into the restricted area, as the gate is always left open to allow officers to respond to calls faster, said Officer Albie Esparza, a police spokesman. Mission Station is not the only city station to have an open parking lot, he said, with some not even using gates to keep trespassers out.

The shooting came at a time of increased scrutiny of law enforcement after a series of high-profile police killings drew nationwide protests — as well as heightened police security after the targeted fatal shootings of two New York City officers by an attacker who had, on an Instagram account, referenced those high-profile deaths.

Police Chief Greg Suhr said he was grateful that Hoffman’s father gave the department permission to release the letter, “so that everybody could gain some more understanding about what happened and why.”

“My heart goes out to everybody involved,” he said. “It’s a tragedy all the way around. My thoughts and prayers to the officers and their families, and certainly my thoughts and prayers to the family of the deceased.”

'Please go talk to somebody’

Suhr said Sunday’s shooting was not the first incident of “suicide by cop” that has happened to a San Francisco police officer since he became chief. He asked that anybody considering suicide seek help.

“For anybody else that’s thinking of harming themselves or using somebody else to harm themselves, please go talk to somebody and get some help,” he said. “Nothing is as bad as you think it is, and you certainly don’t want to make victims of other people. People care about people more than they really know when they get in that spot. Go talk to somebody.”

The shooting is being investigated by the department’s homicide unit and internal affairs division, as well as by the district attorney’s office and the Office of Citizen Complaints.

The sergeants who confronted Hoffman were placed on paid leave. Suhr said part of that leave will include counseling, which is standard after any officer-involved shooting.

Chronicle staff writer Evan Sernoffsky contributed to this report.

Vivian Ho is a San Francisco Chronicle staff writer.

E-mail: vho@sfchronicle.com Twitter: @VivianHo