In November 2005, Mumbai Mirror carried this account of Ajay Mafatlal, who lived as a woman before undergoing a sex change operation at the age of 46. It afforded him an occassion to reveal, for the first time, details of his forced marriage, relationships, and voice hope that he wouldn’t be treated as a freak.I was four years old when my parents enrolled me into JB Petit, an all girls school. Most children resent going to school in the beginning. In my case, it was even worse. I hated being only with girls, hated the uniform of skirt and sash. My great wish was to go to a school where the uniform was shorts and shirt. Twice, when we had a fancy dress competition in the school, I chose to dress up as a jawan and then as a prince. I was the only one to dress up as a boy.That was the first indication, to me, that I was different.When I turned 13, I decided to learn driving because that seemed a very macho thing to do; I didn't know of any women who drove. At about the same time, as happens to most teenagers, I fell in love, except in this case, it was a girl in my class. I would name her here but for the fact that she is married with children now, and more importantly, she had no idea of my affections for her. It was a terribly confusing time for me.On the one hand my growing up years were full of happiness — all our extended family lived in the Altamount Road bungalow and I was very close to my cousins; and then there was my private fear, trauma, call it what you will...this constant feeling that I was trapped in a wrong body....that I was not normal.When I turned 14, I began my periods. That was the worst day of my life. Everything in me militated against it. For it was something that only happened to women and in a way this told me that I couldn’t escape my fate.I first read about transexuality in an edition of Eve’s Weekly. The article was about Dr Shyam Keswani who carried out a sex change operation where a female became male. I cannot possibly describe the sense of relief that I felt reading that. It signified two things: a) there were others like me; b) there was some hope for me. My parents were always aware about my desire to be a male and they kept advising me to try and be more feminine. “Move amongst girls,” my mother would tell me.After school, I joined Elphinstone to do BA in political science. It was in college that I felt more confident to discuss my sexuality. I would dress up only in trousers and loose shirts and my select group of friends were aware of my desire to be treated as a man.In 1979, the Mafatlal family split up. My father, Yogindra and his two brothers Arvind and Rashesh separated. This was a trying time for all of us. All the cousins had been very close as we grew up, there had been never any concept of separate apartments, we could sleep or eat anywhere in the mansion but after the split there was an awkwardness that could not be breached.I had gone to New York briefly to study computers, upon my return my parents began pressuring me to get married. I protested but it went unheeded. So I was paraded before a couple of men before my parents arranged my marriage with Sudeep Parikh. He was in the business of producing yarn and was known to the family. I was forced to marry him and after the wedding in November 1979, we moved into a flat at Altamount Road, close to the family home which was given by my father.Sudeep was a nice man but I felt nothing for him and though I did not tell him anything about my turmoil and desire to become a man, I put my foot down when it came to sex. For one-and-a-half years we shared a bedroom like two perfect strangers. And I must appreciate that Sudeep was very understanding; he never forced himself upon me. But clearly living like this was untenable. For both of us. I would get up in the mornings and hate looking at myself in the mirror for my face was a constant reminder of my 'womanness.'After one and a half years Sudeep and I separated by mutual consent. The divorce, however, came through only in 1984 since a three year wait was mandatory as per divorce laws then. I remember the day I got my divorce. It felt so wonderful not being called Mrs so and so that I went out and downed a whole bottle of Hercules XXX.In the time I was married, I started admiring theatre personality Jai Kunder. I use the word admiration carefully and will explain later what I exactly mean. I was introduced to her by a common friend of ours. Jai was a striking woman and I was instantly attracted to her. What I admired most about her was how independent she was and that she lived her life on entirely her own terms.After my divorce she became my business partner and together we set up Megabyte, a computer consultancy firm. Her parents had several problems with her association with me (being a woman in a man's attire), but she ignored them and moved into my flat to live with me in 1987. However, our relationship was never sexual, as I was still a woman. My parents did not like our living together and they never spoke about it to anyone but neither did they object when she attended some of the family functions.Jai had great business acumen. Soon we were granted the licence to import computers. We floated Megawire, which went public and we introduced the concept of franchise for computer learning. This was before NIIT and Apple entered the scene. Our main aim was to take computer learning to rural areas so that people do not migrate to the city for education. However, around 1992, both the business and our relationship began to unravel. Once again, I was separated from a partner and I went back to live with my parents. The next few years just went by in a limbo. I did absolutely nothing and I did not know where I was going.Then in 1994-95, I seriously began considering a sex change operation. I discussed it with my family but they advised me not to "rock the boat". Their contention was that since I had been allowed to live on my own terms, there was no need for a sex change. But they had no idea of my frustration. With each passing day, I hated the fact that I was living a false life.This was actually a time for turmoil in our entire family. My brother Atulya was battling his own problems. He was under pressure from Sheetal to marry him and he wanted a divorce from his then wife Payal. I was the only one in the family who supported his decision. It's not that I wanted him to divorce Payal but as his sibling I could see that he was unhappy. So while my sisters Kunti, Gayatri and Malvika were all pressuring him to make a go of the marriage, I supported him when his divorce came through.Payal was paid an alimony of Rs 11 crore. Soon after Sheetal moved into our home and for the next three years she and Atulya jetsetted across the globe before they got married in 2000.During this period Sheetal and I became the best of friends. The souring of relations between us has been very recent and now it has come to such a pass that though we share the same floor, my mother and I communicate with them via letters.In the meanwhile, my father's business had hit a slump. At his instance, I joined Matulya Mills to help him sell off the property. By the time I turned 40, I had just one desire: to have the prefix of Mister before my name. It was especially hateful when I had to dress up in finery–I think in all my life I must have worn a saree about 15 times– and attend Gujju weddings where the men and the women sat separately.With renewed urgency, I began gathering information on transsexuality and each time I read something it seemed to be as if the writer was talking about me personally. After Atulya's marriage, I decided I too must take charge of my personal life. I had already identified Dr Keswani and I can never forget the day I met him for the first time. We met for two hours and discussed the feasibility of the operation. After which he said that such a change was indeed possible. Subsequently I also met two psychiatrists who had to evaluate whether I could indeed live as a man after the sex change. These two months of tests and evaluations were the most agonising and also the most exciting. I was finally going to find myself and the big question was whether it was going to be worth it.In this time, my friend and lawyer Armaity Engineer introduced me to someone who had changed his sex from man to woman. I would not name the person here for obvious reasons but I do want to say that meeting this person helped me tremendously. We met four or five times, discussed our lives at great length and she also shared all her medical files with me.When Dr Keswani who I had been consulting suffered a heart attack and was out of commission, it was Armaity who suggested the name of Dr Kalpesh Gajiwala who had also carried out the operation on her client whom she had introduced me to earlier.Though I was petrified of hospitals, the day of the operation was a red letter day in my life. Finally, I was to get the male organ. My parents who had come around to the idea of the operation with great difficulty–they were keen that I should get it done abroad so as to avoid society gossip–also met Dr Gajiwala.I checked into Breach Candy on November 10, 2003, and the next day, after a 12 hour surgery I became a man. I was in the hospital only for four days. My one regret is that I do not have a moustache. For that, the doctors would have to administer extra testosterone and doctors say that since I am quite hyper anyway, an extra dosage of testosterone may not be healthy for me. I shave every day in the hope that it might lead to some hair growth!Immediately after the operation I applied for a change of name and in one month I got the certificate with my new name, Ajay. I'd always liked the name and after my long battle it seemed particularly significant. I had after all, won. It gave me a great kick to see my new name on paper. In fact, I was so kicked that instead of sending over an assistant I myself made three trips to the passport office to get the passport with my new name and picture.My friends told me that I should have got the operation done much earlier but I think I my body, mind and spirit where in greater sync when I decided to go for it. It is such a relief to meet women as a man and though marriage is not on my mind right now, I won't rule it out.In the last few days there has been much speculation in the media about sex change and many things have been written about me and people like me. This is the first time I have spoken out so publicly. I have done it to dispel miscommunication, stigma and with the hope that my story will not be treated like some freak case.