Scott Ostler is busy covering major sports events this weekend. In his place, I offer you these imitation cheap mots and bon shots. No deep thoughts.

•In a previous life, Bruce Bochy must have been a Buddhist monk. Or a doctor who made house calls. Or a plumber who worked Sundays. The Giants’ skipper can do no wrong. Karma emanates from his very being.

•If you don’t believe that, I have two words for you: Travis. Ishikawa.

•I imagine the Giants’ marketing department feverishly working on Travis Ishikawa-bunga bobbleheads. People will be wearing Ninja Turtle outfits at AT&T Park.

•Watching Madison Bumgarner and Buster Posey work their masterpiece Saturday night, it’s crazy to think they are the Giants’ seasoned veterans. MadBum’s 25. And Posey’s 27.

•Bochy’s got cowboy boots older than that.

•Every time the Giants win another postseason game, I picture Billy Beane sitting in a dark motel room, head in hands, mumbling to himself. Half-empty bottle of bourbon on the nightstand. Strains of Waylon Jennings playing in the background ...

•Reality? Beane is building another playoff team out of pine tar rags and broken fungo bats.

•There was a lot of talk about Yoenis Céspedes being a key part of the A’s clubhouse. That trading him broke up Oakland’s team chemistry. But I never really saw that. He was a good guy, good for a smile and great hustle, but he kept to himself. Céspedes was never the center of attention. Maybe the A’s epic collapse was more about Jon Lester being a bad fit?

•The second game Lester pitched for the A’s was a 3-0 shutout of the Twins on Aug. 7. Afterward, we stood in front of his locker waiting for him to cut loose a little. Fire up the fans. Instead, Lester said: “Obviously, I’m excited and glad I got to finish the game, but I’m not going to jump around like an imbecile out there. I’ve always been a big believer in acting like you’ve done it before.”

•The A’s clubhouse, of course, specializes in jumping around like imbeciles. They’ve done that before, plenty of times.

•Meanwhile, the Giants’ clubhouse was all business all summer. Ever since Bumgarner and Posey took over the leadership of this team, it’s gone from rally thongs and goofy beards to camouflage pants and hunting licenses. Yes, sir. No, sir. Real men don’t smile, sir.

•Where have you gone, Timmy Lincecum? Giants nation turns it bloodshot eyes to you ... Woo-hoo-hoo...

•Lincecum and deposed closer Sergio Romo are the last of the original championship weirdos left on the Giants. Here’s hoping one of the upstart rookies can develop some neurosis...

•I picture Joe Panik and Andrew Susac with muttonchops. Might take a few years before they can grow them, though.

•Hunter Pence stands alone in his weirdness — a cross between the Pat Burrell/Aubrey Huff ancestral heritage and the Matt Cain/Posey/Bumgarner evolution. He’s practically his own branch on the family tree.

•Which may explain his paleo diet. Pence is a throwback to caveman baseball. He plays like they did back when clubhouse Methuselah Mike Murphy was sharpening Barney Rubble’s spikes.

• Moving on to the pointy ball, the 49ers must be relieved to be on the road. So far, Levi’s Stadium has proved more riveting off the field than on. Traffic nightmares, shoddy sod, empty seats, drunken fans, shady cops. The 49ers could’ve moved to Oakland for that kind of action.

•The 49ers find themselves in St. Louis the same weekend as the Giants. In fact, Niners execs will probably attend Sunday’s Giants game, a day ahead of the 49ers-Rams tilt Monday night.

•Maybe Jim Harbaugh can sit in on one of Bochy’s news conferences and see how championship coaches do it.

The Niners are staying at the same hotel as the Giants. Here’s hoping Ray McDonald doesn’t throw another one of his famous parties.

Maybe Harbaugh should ask MadBum to stick around and play linebacker Monday night. I’m sure Kolten Wong would vouch for him.

•Whatever happens with Harbaugh after this season — or during — it says here that we will miss him greatly in the press corps if he leaves. The man is a special kind of weird that you can’t fake — more Huff than Posey, for sure.

•Was going to throw in a line about the Raiders, but I only had a week to come up with something.

•So let’s talk about the Sharks instead. The Tiburones began their annual migration toward playoff extinction. With little change in the offseason despite promises to the contrary, it feels like GM Doug Wilson has laid his final bet on the trifecta of Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau and Joe Pavelski.

•Wilson’s not worried, though. He can always fall back on male modeling. Or sign Bumgarner.

•(Crickets ...)

•Paging Dr. Ostler. I’m dying out here.

Al Saracevic is the sports editor of The San Francisco Chronicle. E-mail: asaracevic@sfchronicle.com Twitter: @AlSaracevic