SIBERIA—Stressing that the edict had come down from the top commanders within the Russian military complex, a video game guard told reporters Tuesday that he was under strict orders to repeatedly pace the same stretch of hallway. “I was given specific instructions to continually walk down this 50-foot corridor, pause for a few moments at the end to inspect the wall, turn around very slowly, and return to the opposite end of the hallway, without ever straying from this routine,” said the guard, who reportedly complied fully with additional orders to leave his back exposed to several key air ducts and unlocked doors that could be accessed from outside the base. “It’s of the utmost importance to this compound’s security and the success of the mission that I closely follow the directive and never stray from my commanding officer’s explicit instructions. After all, if I shirk my duty in any way, an intruder could easily enter the next room, where one of my comrades is walking down an identical hallway in the opposite direction.” At press time, the guard had reportedly continued to follow protocol by shouting, “What was that?” at a disturbance, looking around in concern for several seconds, and then continuing on his way.

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