One of the most calming and euphoric drugs you will ever feel massaging its way into your brain is oxytocin. Fortunately, you will never have to pay anything for it, because your own body is your dealer. Oxytocin is a neuromodulating hormone that's released after sex, when you fall in love and, for mothers, when a baby breast-feeds. In fact, any skin-to-skin contact between a mother and her baby, even gazing into her child's eyes, will trigger another dose of this bliss hormone, effectively turning the baby into a vehicle for a drug. Now, anyone who has seen or knows firsthand how protective and nurturing weed enthusiasts are for their vaporizers and pipes can get a sense of how nature has tricked mothers into essentially becoming addicted to their babies.

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"Just this one last time and then I'll quit."

And like any drug, oxytocin can severely impair logic and judgment. It's at least partially responsible for every new mother thinking "Yes, babies are generally pretty adorable, but have you fucking seen MY baby? Why are people still fighting wars? Don't they know? Where are the news vans!?" Those of us without children have been forced to tolerate Facebook pages and Twitter accounts created on behalf of other people's babies, all while wondering how anyone could lose perspective so badly, how even close friends could become so grating and unrelatable in such a short period of time. The answer, of course, is drugs. But in this case, it's a drug that the mother doesn't even know she's taking. She's high on motherhood and can't conceive of a reason why everyone else isn't losing their shit over her newborn. Meanwhile, she spends every waking second scoring another fix, trying to snort the hairs off the baby's head like an addict huffing paint from a paper bag.