In the last three decades, we have witnessed an unsettling rise in the number of people who self-identify as “computer programmers.”

Some argue that these young people have been lured into the lifestyle through reckless Hollywood propaganda. From Weird Science to NCIS, the liberal media has portrayed this subculture as nonstop thrills, full of fast-talking women and hot rod hard drives.

Others believe this shocking trend was concocted by the sociopaths on Wall Street. They’ve built up these keyboard junkies as gods who can grant financial salvation through a thunder of mashing keystrokes.

But could programming itself be more than just the latest youth fad? How exactly did this new breed of cold and calculating technologists claim so much power over contemporary society? Could their ultimate endgame be something far more sinister?

Over 80 years ago, German scientist Wilhelm König may have inadvertently stumbled on a clue that helps explain today’s programmer pandemic. Working for the National Museum of Iraq in the 1930s, he discovered an ancient battery, termed the “Baghdad Battery,” that could power laptops before the age of Christ for up to twenty hours. But why did these historic hackers need so much time online?

Newly intercepted evidence suggests they were torrenting extraterrestrial porn from distant galaxies.

If the ancient astronaut theory is correct, and alien visitors came to Earth to help humans construct monuments such as the Pyramids and the Hanging Gardens of Babylon as an affront to the Old Testament, it’s quite possible that some of these intergalactic architects were left behind when their mothership departed.

Lonely, and riddled with a lizard-like lust, ancient programming extraterrestrials may have sought out erotic imagery from their home planet before turning their tentacles on to carnal copulation with the human race.

This certainly explains the surreal sexual nature of today’s information extremists.

The phantasmagoric horror, the virtual fetishes, the perpetual masturbation, the ritualized interfacing, all suggest something quite not of this solar system. Indeed, much programmer porn revolves around alien costumes and “RPG” (which some suggest really stands for, “reptilian penetration gangbangs”).

It also explains why the programmer is a master of obscure tongues.

These shifty-eyed alt-shifters can speak in a babel of languages with names like “Perl” and “Cobol” and the ominously abbreviated “PHP.” A few even indulge in “JavaScript,” which has been likened to the slurring speech of Satan himself.

It’s no wonder that they call all this “coding” since normal people can’t break the code of all the secret sex slang they swap in darkened workstation dungeons, far from the prying eyes of Mother and Moral America.

All this begs the question: Did ancient forgotten aliens mate with humans out of sexual frustration and are we finally seeing those bastard bloodlines manifest themselves in today’s race of carnal coders?

Curiously enough, this follows the pattern of the reptilian Rothschilds who themselves interbred with European aristocracy to launch the central banking cartels.

The physical world of global debt stands at odds with the software slavery of the algorithm utopia.

For the layperson, this simply means that the Illuminati is in an epic battle with these insatiable internet engineers. Both, in turn, are viciously fighting with the Super Homosexuals, who only recently recruited their own alien army to campaign for the universal supremacy of the Radical Gay Agenda.

Or maybe that’s just the CIA cover story they want you to believe!

Whatever the case, it is we normal patriotic Americans who have been thrown into a cascade of fatal errors as these secret powers wrestle for our eternal souls.

But there is hope!

President Donald J. Trump’s brave war against science changes everything.

It once looked as if the programmer race was going to take over the world. But today they’re scrambling to keep up with his bold moves against overfunded Federal agencies and that entitled class of elite Silicon Valley engineers. H-1B visas be damned!

All this lends credence to the speculation that Trump is in possession of Nikola Tesla’s secret Vatican archive, or that the President was sent back in time by Tesla himself to prevent the complete annihilation of the American Way of Life.

When one decodes the Biblical symbols and cryptic Tweets, it only makes sense that Trump is here to save our world from these globalist gurus of the gigabyte.

So what should you do if someone close to you exhibits the symptoms of computer programming?

Experts warn that information engineers are notorious for their anger and profanity and that the public should proceed with extreme caution. Under no circumstances should they be given alcohol, particularly not in after-work settings that quickly descend into drunken bitchfests. The sexual rituals of these types are intense and bizarre, but for the most part solitary. Still, one should be wary if invited over to view a Beast Wars figurine collection in some programmer’s musky private quarters.

For families, orgonite and homeopathic medicines like vinegar or Chihuahuas possibly offer hope. Certainly, on this evidence alone, NCIS should be cancelled. Most importantly, President Trump has made it clear that ALL illegal aliens belong in FEMA camps.

With the growing number of tech firms fleeing America’s reborn nationalism, it looks like Donald J. Trump has taken a wrench to these intergalactic engineers embedded into the motherboard of our moral society. First the Paris Agreement, next public funding for higher education and then the estate tax for job creators! Thank God and the President (but mostly the President) that we Americans can now say, Not today, Zuckerberg, not today!