Ant Malkovich Harry Jonathan Chong 1. When I was a kid everyone around me told me I would grow up to be a loser . o! I kept my nose to the grindstone! metaphorically speaking! and I worked hard "or years! and years #ust to prove them wrong. $h! turns out they were right. I%m now currently a loser. I" you looked up &loser& in the dictionary! you wouldn%t "ind my picture! because why would anyone want to see my "ace' (ut that%s how it was. I had all these hopes! and dreams! and I really ! really tried! and then I #ust kept "ailing. W as it bad luck' )r was I truly a bu""oon' I" I have any ob#ectivity whatsoever! I would say that it%s a combination o" things. )ne! my bad looks! two! my sheer stupidity! and three! a lot o" other shitty stu"" that I have chosen not to recall. It%s okay though. *ot! it%s not okay! but today! I have something to celebrate. +inally! things are going my way! sorta. (ecause guess what' I "inally "inished my latest greatest novel. I banged on them keys! and wrote down, &-he $nd.& )h! od. )h! Jesus. )h! uh! the holy spirit... It "elt good/ I was so relieved that I started crying. A three year #ourney to the "inish line was over! at least in the creative sense. All I had to do now was convince people to read my manuscript. I saved my "iles on my computer! and began the process o" cra"ting my 0ueries. I took the whole damn day to write down a pitch to "ool people! I mean convince them into reading my novel. How could they re"use' -he novel was my baby! and I wasn%t not no am ateur . *ope/ I wasn%t a newb. -his was novel 2. 3)3. Mambo 2. orry ! that song #ust came in my head. 4 ou know! 3ou (ega. -hat song about that guy crushing on all those g irls like a pimp. It%s "unny. I read a story about him! and a"ter that song ca me out! he thought he was made. He went on a spending spree! and started bragging to everyone about how he was the ne5t Michael Jackson. And then it turned out he wasn%t the ne5t Michael Jackson. $veryone "orgot about him! and all that money he spent in his glee le"t him broke. Man! I love stories like that. It gives me hop e. I" anyone that stupid can make it! at least to a certain degree! hey! so can I. $very idiot has a chance! right' And I%m the biggest idiot out o" them all. I didn%t even go to un iversity ! or college! because the paperwork con"used me. I have a problem with paying attention to things! or keeping on one line o" thought. I o"ten go on talks that derail a conversation! or completely distract! and con"use peop le. -hat%s #ust the type o" person I am. I%m like the guy! who "orgets things a lot. What%s his name again' I think they called him the &6everse 6ain Man.& imilar to the 6ain Man! but in the reverse. 4 ou know! I%m not sure why they called 6ain Man the 6ain Man. Was it because he could count all the rain droplets! or something' I" anyone knows 7ustin Ho""man! please ask him "or me. Anyway! back to what I was saying earlier. )h! yeah! oh yeah. I remember now. I was going on about the novel I #ust "inished. I took the time to write out my 0uery letter . It came out something like this, &7ear o! and o Agent! How are you doing on this very "ine day' I%ve #ust completed a novel 181!91: words in length. omeone who read it told me it was boring! and derivative! but I disagree. I%m sure that the intensity o" my emotions while writing my book has trans"erred over. o! what%s it about' W ell! there%s this ragtag team o" anthropomorphic animals! much like the *in#a - urtles! or A nimorphs! and they have to save the world "rom a maniacal maniac named 3ance