WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed that Lincoln had gained significant weight and was occasionally sick in the mornings, and at first, we thought something was severely wrong,” said assistant park director Benjamin Grove, describing how park rangers had arrived at the memorial to be greeted by the sight of the happy but exhausted statue blissfully nursing a half-dozen newborn Lincolns. “For obvious reasons, it had never occurred to us to determine the gender of the monument, and I suppose we look rather foolish now. But the whole litter is healthy and happy, and we’ll soon be able to adopt them out to other states. Of course, we’re more surprised than anything, but altogether it’s a joy—how can you look at these cuddly little bearded marble buddies and not smile?” At press time, “Abe Lincoln” was leading the baby-naming contest on the park’s website for all six babies.

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