The dilemma I am in my early 70s and met a wonderful man three years ago. He is a Spanish national and we have been away together on winter holidays, which have been marvellous. He is very outgoing and strikes up conversations with passers-by, fellow customers in a restaurant – anyone around when we are out. In Spain, although my Spanish is improving and I understand most of what is being said, I cannot make much of a contribution. These conversations can last up to 10 or 15 minutes and happen three or four times during any outing.

He says I am “wrong” to have a problem with this and it is my British background that makes me reserved. I often feel these exchanges are more fascinating to him than any conversation the two of us have. Besides feeling left out, I cringe when he interrupts people. He accuses me of being jealous and says I have a “psychological problem” if I cannot embrace this part of his character. He has no inhibitions, for instance, asking people how much they paid for their holiday accommodation so he can compare our deal. Most disturbing, he will not even consider that these conversations can be annoying, boring or embarrassing to me. I’m an outgoing person, but I’m more interested in connecting with my partner than with strangers.

Mariella replies First, congratulations. I’m in regular receipt of a steady flow of letters from people decades younger than you, despairing of ever meeting a new partner. You offer hope to those who’ve become convinced their romancing days are behind them. Yet, despite your good fortune in meeting a convivial soulmate, your reaction to your partner’s gregarious personality is surprisingly censorious. I’m not saying that because you’re in your 70s you should be grateful for any attention, rather that I’d hope, as life progresses, to become more, not less, tolerant of the foibles of others.

Some of your reservations may, as he identifies, be cultural. As a nation we’re not the warmest when it comes to communicating with strangers – and that’s an understatement. Yet, despite our renowned reserve, we’re not shy of expressing ourselves in public. It’s ironic that since the advent of the mobile phone we’re prepared to discuss the most intimate details of our lives, at high volume, in public places, in one-sided conversations overheard by countless others, but find looking strangers in the eye, sharing a greeting, or embarking on an impromptu conversation a step too far. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say there’s an inherent conflict at the heart of every Brit. It seems that superficial reserve papers over far less emotionally contained impulses that can then erupt in surprising ways. The American music manager Peter Mensch once observed to me that Brits waiting for a bus offered a salutary lesson in social anthropology. A brash New Yorker, he’d been amazed to witness how our neat queues of docile commuters waiting for public transport degenerated into a vicious, elbow-swinging melee once their bus arrived!

I don’t like his assertion that you have 'psychological problems'

It may be that you two are incompatible and his out-going, crowd-pleasing, engagement-loving character is too much at odds with your more reserved, selective social choices – but neither of you is in the wrong. You may just be wrong for each other. That said I don’t like his assertion that you have “psychological problems”. Something may have been lost in translation so he might not mean it as judgmentally as it sounds. Determining to carry on interacting with the world as he sees fit is one thing, trying to diminish you for feeling vulnerable and insecure about it is entirely another. Do make sure that his bullish good humour doesn’t simply mask a bully.

In maturity it’s time to accept that the only person we have the capacity to change is ourselves. In the process it might also elicit different reactions from others, but that’s a side effect and can’t be an expectation. Ultimately, it’s about tolerating (or not) another’s individuality and working out why their actions elicit the responses they do in us. If his insatiable desire for conversation and playing to the gallery makes you uncomfortable how much more productive to work out why that is than what you can do to stop him. I appreciate that you don’t want to find yourself hooked up with the town crier and forced to watch people darting into dark corners to dodge him as he progresses down the street, but this man seems in other ways to have so much to offer that’s life-affirming and good.

Take him as he is and find alternative things to think about and do while he’s chatting (it’s surely what Instagram was invented for), improve your Spanish so you can work out what he’s on about, work on your own worries about not being engaging enough, or just lighten up and enjoy the show. This man sounds like he may be equally imbued with insecurity hence his desire to keep talking – it might be far more rewarding to drag that out of him than simply trying to button him up.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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