(Me and my son, Mason)

My name is Nikki and I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I’ve been approached/emailed several times inquiring to if I had a blog and would I be interested in starting one. I have a personal one and I’ve shared it a few times, but it’s just that….personal. Allowing yourself, your opinions and thoughts to be put on display opens the door to vulnerability and judgements and there is part of me that is frightened about that. I’ve been subjugated a lot of misjudgments and some correct judgements (unfortunately). For starters, I am a convert to the church. I was baptized in June 2009 after several months of debates with the missionaries and scared/insecure feelings about actually belonging to an organized religion, especially the Mormons.

(Me and Mason. I promise those are shorts I am wearing and not underware…sigh)

Complete disclosure, Mormons scared me. Sure, I was miserable in how I was living prior to the Gospel, but I had the notion that ALL “religious” people were just as miserable as me, except they didn’t want to have any fun. I believed Mormons portrayed a suburban 1950’s lifestyle that seemed a little outdated and well….boring. I was a strong independent female who couldn’t understand the concept of “Priesthood” without correlating it to some sort of male chauvinism. Without divulging too much into my past (there will be plenty of time for that), I was raised by divorced parents. I have an abusive and violent past. A party girl lineage to compensate for never really feeling loved or accepted. And several naked photos submitted to magazines and time spent on stage trying to allure people into loving me to prove it. Wrap that up in a package that has been marked out of rebellion and voila……Who IS this person?

(Oooo La La)

I’m humbled enough to admit that some of my biggest ambitions in my twenties were to work at the Playboy Casino in Las Vegas, audition for the Pussycat Dolls at Caesars Palace (side note: when I read this to my husband, he was the one who remembered how badly I wanted that) and/or be a Suicide Girl (a pornographic tattooed alternative magazine).

(More Ooo La La)

I lived to be called “sexy.” And my worth came from being admired by men even if it meant I would take my clothes off to do it. The problem with living and working within the sex industry is I saw the darker side to relationships. And that “love” I was experiencing wasn’t love, it was lust. Toxic. And it almost destroyed me. I hardly believed in love (especially one that existed Celestially) and after I got married in 2006, that need….that addiction still lingered (That is a hard admission for me). And yes, my marriage had its full share of problems as well, ranging from alcoholism (my last binge was in my apartment on the bathroom floor in Las Vegas, October 2006. I thought I was going to die. My husband struggled through 2009), addictions to pornography (both of us) and attempted suicide (me, January 2008).

So, no…I am not your typical Mormon.

But, I am a Mormon nonetheless.

(My husband recently called me Devout Mormon. And I loved that!)

(I’m still good friends with this two great missionaries)

It took my years and I mean, YEARS, to believe that what God said about me was true, to let that truth be written on my heart and that within the LDS community, I had a divine purpose. After baptism, I tried to do the whole “Molly Mormon” lifestyle (I know there are many people who say that this doesn’t exist, but as the outsider there is…..something). I tried to learn how to can, sew, be excited about crafts, baking, etc but in the end, I grew more frustrated and disenchanted with the church. I loved the message, but I had this animosity towards the people because I felt like I was being forced to be this woman that made me uncomfortable and I felt like I couldn’t speak about WHO I truly was and what I was struggling with behind the scenes. Because I wasn’t truly converted, I quickly (and isn’t always quicker then it originally happens) slipped back into my old ways. Except now, I had this nagging inside of me and this conviction that I SHOULDN’T be doing this anymore. All that drinking and partying didn’t seem fun anymore, but a hassle. Jokingly, I would claim Jesus was my “buzz kill.”

(So much attitude. So vogue)

Living the Gospel demands a lot, but living “in the world” I found demands a lot more and it gives a lot less. It has an insatiable appetite with standards that are impossible to meet. Unlike finding completeness in Christ, who came in the fullness of Truth and Grace, the world offers us nothing. It will never fill you up, permanently. You will always come up short and be found wanting. There will always be more and more that you have to do prove yourself to others. I liken it to the scripture found in 2 Nephi 28:30 (also Isaiah 28) with God giving us knowledge “line upon line, precept upon precept” but it’s in reverse. What starts out as a little fun, eventually you will find yourself having to do MORE to feel that same thrill. And if your curious about that, just ask an addict. I found myself feeling depleted. I knew I was living a lie. I felt confused and conflicted with my life. I wanted the world to like me, but I also wanted to get right with God. And I knew it was best for my family. I wanted to be better, but I wanted to be the BEST ME with exactly what I had to offer the Kingdom. I knew the times I felt the most satisfaction was when I was trying to live the Gospel the best I could without all the fancy footwork.

There comes a point in everyone’s path towards true adult like faith that a decision has to be made and obtained. Will I sit on the bank or will I dive into the stream of God’s love? Complete surrender of an unknown future to a known God. I, finally, decided that I was going to dive in. Head first. Not as some carbon copy of what someone wanted me to be and it’s made all the difference. Accepting the Gospel as me has allowed me to “approach the throne of grace with confidence” but also with a certain vulnerability which after everything is said and done, the only thing I have really to offer in my relationship with God is my authentic self. I remember the time I was introduced to the idea of Jesus, sitting in my apartment at twenty four with the missionaries. And though, it was nice, it made little impact. Then I remember the time, that feeling, when I actually realized Someone was watching over me. Someone loved me. Someone actually cared. And that was the moment, I knew my life was changed. All my feelings could easily be dismissed by dissenters of my faith, but I know what I felt. And I believe.

(I believe)

Have I been judged by my past or my tattoos? Yes, on both accounts. Absolutely, I have been offended by comments and actions by others and I have wrestled my faith because of it. For every one person that has made me feel loved and included, there have been one person to make me feel like I didn’t belong. But at the end of the day, at the end of this journey, it’s about me and God. When you are offended it helps to ask yourself these questions: Where is your heart? Your commitment? Is it on God or is it on your community? Because even if your heart lies within your church community, that it STILL aligning yourself with “the world” because your church community is made up of mortal men and women and they WILL disappointment you (even those with the best intentions). Your heart needs to transcend your community where offenses are not heard and received.

I told this story on my Facebook page:

One time a bishop had a woman in his Ward approach him repeatedly about a revelation she had received. Week after week, he brushed her off until he could no longer ignore her persistence requests. Finally he said to this sister,

“Sweet Sister, we take revelations very seriously in this church and I am going to need to know that there is some validity to your feelings before we take action. Recently, I confessed a sin to God. Go to Him and ask Him what this sin was and then come back and tell me what He says.”

The next week, this bishop asked this woman,

“Did you do what I asked?”

“I did” she responded

“…and what did God say?”

“He said He couldn’t remember”

I am so grateful that God chose mercy and grace over of justice, even if people miss that. God has been so good to me.

“I have seen their ways and I will heal them” Isaiah 57:18 (NIV)

(Look, TEMPLE SEALING! Hotcha!)

I am a Sinner. If you’re looking for perfection, you will be disappointed by me. I am a broken woman with a broken past, but it’s through that brokenness that light is able to shine through. When I learned to accept my past, accept WHO I was….those mistakes and transgressions no longer have power over me. “My chains are gone…I’ve been set free.” There is “freedom in Christ” because I am no longer bound to what I have done.

“…in thy childhood thou hast suffered and much sorrow…nevertheless…thou knows the greatness of God; and He shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain..” 2 Nephi 2:2-3

I compare my conversion to that of an Easter Morning, but on a lesser scale. Once, I was dead and because of Christ, I am able to walk out of my self made grave to a new life prepared for me.

Brothers and Sisters, God’s love isn’t this red hot type of love, it’s a willingness to love those things that are messy. Those things that are ugly. Those things that we have done that we would rather not talk about. God isn’t afraid of you. Of me. He isn’t afraid to see our darkness because His love is perfect. His light illuminates every corner of our hidden hearts. Elder Maxwell said this,

“Personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the alter. Instead it is a willingness to place the animal in us upon the alter”

The animal IN us, all of us. I loved that because my former self was this wild untamed thing, from the way that I acted to the way I reacted to life. We all struggle up the same path to Eternity.We are God’s greatest work, no matter what condition we may be in. We are the ONLY creatures on Earth that bear the image of God. That is an incredible honor and I am humbled by it. I cherish Him whose image I reflect. There is joy in this journey, but we have to choose it and KEEP choosing it. Joy isn’t an emotion, but a decision. It isn’t easy. There will always be setbacks. But if you for one second step off the road, Beloved, you don’t have to start back all over again. Because of Christ, you come right back to where you left off. What you have gained, you have gained. And we, as the Christian community, are right there cheering you on. Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who wait in God. God is enough for me and I am enough for Him.

God has never appeared to me in a burning bush. I have never wrestled Him on the shore of a river and walked away with a limp. I have never seen the finger of God….but I have felt this change in my heart that wants me to be brave. To do good. To forgive and to KEEP forgiving. That is just as good as any parted Red Sea. We are Children of a Living God and we must protect that identity. Claim it and reclaim it in our lives. The world calls us to be beautiful and popular, but God calls us His.

(We are super cute!)

Change is uncomfortable because it requires us to move out of the box and that will always require courage. But, with Christ ALL things are possible. And if He can change this Sinner into a Saint, He can do absolutely anything.

“This is a faithful saying, and worthy of ALL acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save the sinners; of whom I am the worst….Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory ever and ever” 1 Timothy 1:15-17

“Behold, he had changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke to God” Alma 5:7

“But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in his arms of love” 2 Nephi 1:15