The supposed ‘fact’ that ‘girls only like assholes’ [alternately: ‘girls don’t like nice guys’] is so widely-distributed and oft-cited that it is often accepted without question. In fact, this statement is in such common employ because it’s convenient.

Consider this: A male who is an asshole would not describe himself as an ‘asshole,’ because the definition of ‘an asshole’ would be ‘someone who is oblivious to the negative impact of his behaviors/personality on others.’ Therefore, if you were to ask any individual ‘are you a nice person,’ their most likely response will be ‘I think so,’ or ‘I try to be,’ or ‘I don’t know,’ or ‘yes.’

Oddly, the percentage of individuals most likely to reply ‘no, I am an asshole,’ are rarely actually assholes. They may engage in antisocial behavior for the purposes of driving others away from them and thereby fulfilling the prophecy of their low self esteem, but people who make negative statements about themselves to others – thereby attempting to pre-judge themselves on the other person’s behalf – are generally just fearful and often emotionally frail, not in much condition to be an asshole to anyone. For that matter, they are not in much condition to be attractive to anyone, either, meaning that it is unlikely for anyone to complain that a girl prefers such a person.

Conversely, those most likely to insist they are ‘nice guys’ are probably not. Again, consider the facts: No one would describe themselves as an asshole except for people who are probably not assholes, and most people either believe they are nice or are ambivalent about their self-assessment. Genuinely nice people will generally only testify that they endeavor to be good to others; it is the person continually describing themselves as a ‘nice guy’ that should provoke the greatest warning sign, as they are potentially a narcissist (and therefore more prone to oblivious anti-social behavior) – or at the very least, if they were demonstrating their purported ‘niceness’ to others through behavior, they would have no need to continually claim it through language.

Therefore, when a guy complains that a girl only likes assholes and does not like them because they are a ‘nice guy’, there is an inherent flaw in their argument: A self-described ‘nice guy’ is likely to be an asshole, therefore if his statement were true she would have an equal or better chance of liking him. Further, if the person the girl likes is, in fact, an asshole, he probably described himself to her on OKCupid as a ‘nice guy’, thereby making it difficult to prove that his asshole status was the reason for her attraction. But given that the person complaining is assumed to be a likely asshole, it’s equally possible that his assessment of the guy she likes as ‘an asshole’ is flawed.

In conclusion, if you are being continually passed over by the objects of your affection in favor of people you think are stained jerks in the face of your niceness, you should perform the following steps:

Step One: Stop talking about what a ‘nice guy’ you are and perform an honest self-evaluation to determine whether in fact you actually are one. Be advised not to confuse self-effacement or martyrdom with niceness. Perhaps if you follow girls around doing only what they want to do and subverting your will in favor of theirs, you will think you are being nice, but others are liable to view you as a doormat, potentially lacking in will or direction, and/or bereft of substance to contribute to an ideally-equitable relationship. These are not desirable traits in a partner.

Also, self-effacement that focuses on other individuals is rarely the generous act of radiant kindness that you think it is; the hidden, actual motive for such behaviors is manipulation, as you may or may not be aware of believing that there will be some karmic ‘reward’ for your generosity, e.g. the girl will eventually ‘realize how great you are’ i.e sleep with you.

Those who don’t receive this reward often become resentful and/or creepy to an extent that multiplies the longer your ungratified crush continues. Being resentful and creepy, feeling entitled to have someone suddenly discover how great you are, or waiting on someone to sleep with you are not desirable traits in a partner.

—-If you have performed your initial self-evaluation and determined that you are not confusing self-effacement with niceness, move on to Step Two. If you are, do not continue to Step Two and go to therapy. If you have decided you are actually not a nice person, skip to Step Four.—

Step Two: You have decided you believe you really are a nice person, after an honest inventory of your actions that determines you generally aim to be kind to others for positive reasons without being self-effacing and manipulative. In that case, perform an honest self-evaluation to determine whether you are choosing the right women: This includes ensuring that the women in which you become interested are generally your peers in lifestyle, appearance and personality, versus electing your desired mate on arbitrary metrics that you have culled from fantasy novels and/or the mainstream media.

If you honestly do pursue women with whom you have verified, through engaging interaction and actual real-world contact, that you have several common traits – or different, complementary traits– and you still ‘strike out’ frequently, you may lack confidence or an ability to express yourself well.

If you claim that you generally pursue women with whom you do actually have key values and lifestyle traits in common, you should evaluate whether you actually even freaking know the woman before you make that determination.

—If you have performed your Step Two self-evaluation and you have determined that you are a generally nice person who is confident and expresses yourself well to women who are an appropriate match for you, then you should cultivate patience. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t appreciate you, and stop blaming ‘assholes’ for taking your women away. Yammering on about how you don’t understand why you’re single because you are so nice makes people suspect you are an asshole [see introduction]. It can be lonely being single, but it can also be gratifying if you have the correct degree of independence – and as a happy coincidence, healthy women generally find independence attractive.

If you have performed your Step Two self-evaluation and you have determined that you generally choose the wrong women or that you don’t actually know the women well before deciding to pursue them, move onto Step Three.—-

Step Three: Just because men on buddy comedies can be slovenly, unemployed and perpetually immature disasters and still make it with gorgeous long-suffering sweethearts doesn’t mean that really happens. I mean, have you ever seen that happen in real life, bro? Get real. Generally people with ungrounded and destructive lifestyles only conduct unhealthy relationships with others who have ungrounded and destructive lifestyles.

In fact, if looks are your primary or even secondary determining factor, that’s probably your problem right there. When considering whether to pursue a woman, you have likely become fixated on what she can offer you or do for you, and not performed an evaluation of whether you can offer her substance of equitable value.

In some cases, the equation works in reverse: You often pursue women because you believe they require you, that you would be ‘good for’ them, or any such infantilizing ‘rescue behavior’ that has one of two results: You drive away women who are doing just fine, thank you, or you attract self-destructive individuals who are looking to be rescued. Your problem is the latter issue if your relationship history has acquainted you intimately with the DSM-IV on more than one occasion, or if you have guiltily, after a few drinks with friends, admitted you cannot resist a ‘crazy girl.’ If that is the case, then your presumed ‘niceness’ is a veneer for poor self-esteem [Return to Step One].

Step Four: You have determined you are not a nice person. In that case, the reason women don’t like you is not because you are a ‘nice guy,’ but is in fact some other reason you may arrive at through honest self-evaluation. Plenty of women in fact like nice men very much, so you might try to work genuinely being nice, not making yourself a victim of the somewhat-fallacious ‘asshole principle,’ and stop calling other women’s boyfriends assholes.

However, whether or not they would describe themselves as such, this world is replete with assholes, and plenty of women do like them. You could stop pretending that you are such a ‘nice guy,’ embrace that you are an asshole, and probably date more of the women who supposedly like assholes –but those women generally have a lot of problems of their own.

Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist and this article is pretty much a joke. Next time: Advice for Girls Who Only Like Assholes. Because actually that’s totally a thing.