

by Hentavirus Jefferson-Gonzales

In my small mid-western town, everyone but one guy went to the new Star Wars™ Disney film, The Last Jedi. That is, if “everyone” means all of the hipsters, SWPLs, corporate cucks, bro-hold-my-beer, 4chan neckbeards, backyard shed dwelling NEETs, goodguy white knight Mormons, and SJWs count as “everyone.” The one guy stayed home because he had power diarrhea but his friends kept texting him pictures and updates.

Now the only thing different this time was that discussion after the movie kind of died. People got home, popped a few beers and started talking about the film, but conversation just drifted away. Since I live undercover — my parents, friends, teachers, coworkers and girlfriend would shit cum-encrusted tampons if they knew what I actually thought — I was at one of these events and can affirm that we were joking about entirely unrelated stuff by the time the night was halfway done.

This implies that the movie may not have been bad, but it was not good either, or at least, not good enough. Here, from my favorite trolls, is your spoiler: “Luke dies. Leia doesn’t die. Yoda returns. Snoke dies.” Do you see a pattern here? It is just like the past five films: scrambling together bits of that first film from 1977 to make a soap opera style “ironic” and “challenging” story line.

But even a monkey in a cage gets an inkling of the relationship between the scientist in the pink trench coat and that stabbing pain in his rectum when he wakes up from the anaesthesia, and people are starting to get skeptical. The proof is in how many (or how few) people are going out into the cold night to go see this movie:

Last night, “The Last Jedi” scored $45 million in preview shows around the US. That’s the second highest Thursday preview opening ever, behind “The Force Awakens,” so that’s good news. But the WTH news is that “The Force Awakens” did $57 million on its Thursday previews two years ago. In between there was “Rogue One” with a $29 million preview Thursday last year.

Just like Roy Moore voters and God during the Holocaust,™ they stayed home and took a nap. They are getting tired of the gimmick: the storyline takes “unexpected” twists that are just ironic like a hipster’s exactly-the-opposite-of-normal haircut, the constant political correctness pushing another female/minority hero with zero charisma, the complete lack of any meaningful quest, unlike the first movie.

During the turbulent years after 9/11 a friend of mine lived with his stepmother and chodefather in a home on the edge of town. They had this old barn but no one used it, so we got the power working and had a pretty sweet setup out there until some nibba stole the television in the middle of a blackout caused when a train derailed and took out the one power pole we needed. A total loss, but we were about to graduate so w/e anyway.

We used to load a bowel and throw on the original Star Wars to laugh at it. It was a campy, ridiculous film, a sad metaphor retelling the American victory in World War 2 as if we did something good, linked up with a need to sell lots of little bits of plastic shit shaped like R2D2 and that overgrown terrier, Chewbacca (sounds like a Skol advertisement out here). The plot mostly made sense, in that “everyone must do everything the hard way” way that it really did not. But I could enjoy it. It was a clear story, with characters who seemed like real people struggling with real life questions, and a lot of funny scenes where there was actual tension between the two Jewish characters, Han Solo and Princess Leia. The droids were interesting enough to capture whole minutes of screen time.

But then… The Great Retardation happened. I caught up with the later “Star Wars” films in the late 2000s when I discovered BitTorrent. And, well, what the hell happened? The tight action, poignant dialogue, intelligent characters, and sense of purpose was gone, replaced by a Saturday morning cartoon which was determined to burn through as many clichés from the original movie as possible. The special effects were overboard, but still not really believable, which added to the cartoony feel. I shut one movie off in disgust and went to bed, which is what $12 million worth of preview viewers did as well, apparently.

See, the thing is, with anything in life you need to separate between something you do because it is worth doing, and something that everyone else does because of social inertia. People keep doing the same stupid stuff in the hope that other people will like them — this is really just an inflamed fear of death and irrelevance, if you ask me — and if you do not stop, think, and ask why, you will just end up caught in the stampede along with that peer pressure herd… to your loss.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why anyone would attend a “Star Wars” movie now, or even anytime after 2001. They are milking you for nostalgia. Although you are in denial of it, you got old, holmes. When you were growing up in the 80s and 90s, Star Wars still had a rep… and they are taking that to the bank with these “C” movies sold as “A” list blockbusters.

Because the hype is so huge, and every girl wants to be a nerd nowadays to cover up the fact that she is actually a thot, no one wants to hear the brutal truth on these films: they are garbage made for morons, and you are an imbecile if you attend them. This is just another sheep trend. There is no substance, but someone’s getting rich on your stupidity. Oh, the un-divine comedy of it all.

Tags: chewbacca, lucasfilm, luke skywalker has AIDS, Star Wars, the great retardation, the last jedi, trend remover