NEW YORK, NY—A man who owns large chunks of New York City, inherited millions of dollars in his youth from his father, and is married to a Slovenian supermodel who eagerly agrees with his every word and deed pouted today that the system is set up for him to fail.

"It's so unfair," the straight white man explained to the thousands of reporters around the world who hang on his every word on a daily basis.

"All I ask is that America give people a fair shot at succeeding," added the man, who exists in a society that's given him multiple television shows where he is free to boost his public profile and exercise tremendous power over young businessmen and women, in many cases publicly humiliating them and singlehandedly dictating the direction of their careers.

"It's completely unacceptable that I'd be the target of such a deeply entrenched conspiracy to oppress me and prevent me from flourishing," he shouted before asking one of his five healthy, successful children that other people raised to hop in the family's private jet and just quickly check on the 18 different golf courses he owns around the globe.

"This country is wronging me in ways I will never, ever forgive," bellowed the man, who, despite his complete and total lack of political experience, compassion, and basic human decency, has enjoyed an easy rise to the most sought-after political position in the country and is taken seriously as a legitimate presidential candidate by the entire earth.

The man concluded his statements by begrudgingly mumbling that somehow, he'll find the courage to accept that the American political system is endlessly mistreating him and silencing his voice.

"Even so, I may purchase a 1.1-million dollar billboard in Times Square on which to air some of my grievances," he said. "I'll take it out of petty cash."

It's very unfair that we're discussing this man's sexual proclivities even though he keeps bringing them up without prompting:

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