File this under “Insufferable bitches finding new ways to be even more insufferable”. A week ago (which means she’s already come up with 18 new ideas for being better than you, so stay tuned) Gwyneth Paltrow revealed just how clueless and smug she can be by posting a piece written by Dr. Habib Sadeghi to GOOP about the effect negative thoughts and words have on water. Yes, I said negative thoughts, yes, I said water, and no, I CAN’T.

Gwyneth claims she’s “fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter” and loves the book The Hidden Messages in Water by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto. So she challenged her BFTYF (better friend than your friend) Dr. Sadeghi to write something more smug and self-congratulatory than their piece on conscious uncoupling for GOOP about happy content water (“I’d do it myself, but I’m waiting for a hand-polished agate keyboard to be made so that my fingers don’t have to touch something as bourgeois as plastic.”)

The entire piece is basically a clueless rich person’s book report, so I’ll save you the time and the inevitable migraine from rolling your eyes too hard by giving you the highlights of why Gwyneth’s water is better than your water. GOOP says Emoto poured water into vials and labeled them with negative phrases like “I hate you” and “fear”. After 24 hours, he looked at it under a microscope and it yielded “gray, misshapen clumps.” But when he labeled the vials with positive phrases like “I love you” and “peace”, the water produced “gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.” And god forbid Gwyneth would put anything to her precious lips that wasn’t gleaming and/or perfect.

So essentially, she’s saying thinking bad shit about yourself makes you a gross gray turd, but reassuring yourself you’re perfect will make you a shimmering flawless diamond. Well, duh, that’s not science; that’s just called being a conceited narcissist.

And now we know how she manages to stay so strong during combat in the never-ending war against bitchy negative internet commenters: drinking lots of water and talking to it like Stuart Smalley.

Pic: Instagram