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For 33 years, Kalpana Mishra (name changed) asked herself what she had done wrong--why was it that her husband, whom she loved, beat her mercilessly? Why did he have multiple affairs, and why did none of his friends or family think it was wrong? How could a smart, bright, and educated woman like her suffer in silence?

Mishra tried astrology, past-life regressions and read books but found no answers. In 33 years of married life, she landed up in the hospital several times for injuries, and she even tried taking her life twice. The last time she tried, she fell into a coma for three days. It was then that something snapped in her, and she filed a case of domestic violence against her husband.

Across India, almost one in three (33.3 percent) married women, aged 15-49 years, experienced physical, emotional or sexual spousal violence according to National Family Health Survey (2015-16), IndiaSpend reported in October 2018.

Further, Indian women committed suicide at twice the global rate--the sixth highest rate of suicide in the world in 2016 (15 per 100,000). Domestic violence has a direct relation with the idea of suicide in women across the world, studies show. Arranged marriage, early marriage, young motherhood, low status, domestic violence and the lack of economic independence may be responsible for the high rate of suicide in women in India, IndiaSpend reported in October 2018.

Mishra wrote to IndiaSpend after reading that story and wanted to share her trauma, “I do not want anyone else to suffer as I did,” she said.

Today, Mishra is separated from her husband, and is a trained counsellor helping other women in similar situations. She has restarted her career after completing a diploma in development management and works for a non-profit.

Here are some excerpts from the telephonic interview:

How was your childhood?



I was born in a small town in Uttar Pradesh. We lived in a joint family. My father, who was an engineer, worked in a very well-known company, and took care of his whole family--seven brothers and two sisters. We were a well-respected but highly patriarchal family. All my life, I saw my mother working day and night and getting abused by his family. My father was good to everyone but was dominating and aggressive with my mother. Seeing her plight, I had decided that I would never get married.

I have three siblings--an older brother and sister, and a younger brother. My father was educated, but he still spoke only about making my brothers engineers. He never celebrated my accomplishments. I was good at studies and sports, and I was selected to play basketball and kabaddi at the national level when I was in school. I stood first in my district in the grade X exam, and got featured in the newspaper, but no one cared. I learnt to study and work hard without making a fuss.

My brother’s friend had got an extra application form in a reputed engineering college and I filled it. To my surprise I got selected. My father didn’t allow me to join for a month because he thought I will lose interest and forget about it. Finally he had to relent and I joined the course. I did well in my studies and was selected for the masters course. But I fell in love and decided to get married. Our marriage was sanctioned by our families.

How did your life change after your marriage?



After marriage, I moved to Delhi. Physical and mental abuse started soon after. I have never heard gaalis (abuses) in my maternal household but here I was verbally abused and beaten up regularly. Initially, he said that he loved me and had only hit me under the influence of alcohol.

I was 22 years old, my parents had died and my sister lived abroad so I had no one to speak to. I was stuck in a situation I didn’t know how I could get out of. I kept believing he would change.

My husband blamed everything on me--his failure at business, his losses. He played the victim, I played along. Soon his shame became my shame.

Three years after our marriage, I gave birth to our son. By then the girl in me who was confident, a natural public speaker, and a singer had gone quiet. My in-laws had asked me to quit my job: “Acche ghar ki bahuen kaam nahi karti” (Daughter-in-laws of good households don’t work). Still, I prepared for the civil services exam without telling anyone but I could not give the exam.

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