8 Subtle Biphobic Phrases Gay Folks Say All the Time

There are the explicit phrases, like “bisexuality doesn’t exist,” and then the subtler ones that you might not realize are biphobic.

We sometimes say things without thinking about what they mean. But our words can have a huge impact on others, so we need to be cognizant of the words we choose. Now before everyone gets up in arms, saying “I’m not biphobic,” I want to clarify. You can say biphobic things, without you, yourself, being biphobic. It just means you’re unaware of certain issues that plague the bisexual community. You’re ignorant of the effect certain phrases can have on bisexual folks. But when you say these things, you’re accidentally perpetuating stereotypes, implicitly expressing that bisexuality is less desirable than being gay, or further discouraging people from discovering their true identity. So yes, you yourself, might not be biphobic, but you can say biphobic things. So please, relax, and read. There’s no need to feel guilty. All you need to do is stop saying these things. And when you hear someone else say something biphobic, politely call them out on it.

Here are 8 biphobic phrases gay folks say all the time.

1. Gold star lesbian (or gay)

Oh, the coveted gold star lesbians. And whenever someone says it, there’s always pride in their voice. As if they accomplished some miraculous feat by not sleeping with a man. This phrase is a big no-no. Bisexual women do exist, and there are many lesbians who have slept with men. That doesn’t make them any less or more gay. Additionally, women or men should not be deemed more desirable because of their past sexual encounters with various genders.

2. I would never date someone who’s bisexual

Can I ask you why? Someone’s sexuality isn’t a preference. Hairy chest, now that’s a preference. A desire for funny guys? Yep, that’s a fabulous preference as well. But bisexual men come in all shapes, races, religions, sizes, and humor-types. The only thing I hear when I have someone tell me “I could never date a bisexual guy” is insecurity. Are you that afraid of something you don’t know? Are you that afraid of being cheated on? (Because often, that’s the big fear, that bisexuals will leave cheat on your or leave you for someone of another gender. This isn't a rational fear. Bisexuals have a moral compass (or lack of, just like every other sexuality.) Honestly, for me, it’s somewhat of a filter. Because the people who refuse to date bi guys usually have larger issues and insecurities about themselves that I would have found out later. When they say that blanket statement up front it saves both me and him/her time.

3. “I guess he could be bi”

Often times, I hear gay men say this when there’s a man whose sexuality they’re not sure of. Or if they know a man is dating a woman, but also, let’s say, attends gay clubs frequently. There’s a very explicit underlying tone whenever someone uses this phrase and that is the insinuation that bi is in some way inferior to being gay. It’s less desirable for a man to be bisexual than gay. He’s not gay, but he could be bi. It’s like gay men are varsity and bisexual men are junior varsity. They’re both on the same team, but you know, JV is obviously not as good as V.

4. Hasbian

This term refers to a woman who used to date women, but now primarily dates men. No, she’s not a hasbian. She is bisexual. Sexual desire for a particular gender can ebb and flow. Don’t shame someone for discovering a new part of their sexuality or for experimenting. Sexuality is a journey. It’s not a stagnant entity.

5. But I’ve never met a real bisexual guy

This could be true, and in itself, is not biphobic, but if that's the case, it really means you mean you’ve never met an *out* bisexual man. You have met many men over the course of your life who sleep with both men and women. The label, for many, is daunting, and many men don’t advertise their (bi)sexuality. But I promise you. You have met many bisexual men over the course of your lifetime.

6. Bi now, gay later

This is just one of many ways to perpetuate the stepping-stone myth -- that bisexual men use the label when they’re in denial of being “full-blown” gay. Don’t be arrogant and assume someone else’s sexuality. Just because you know a guy who came out as bi who shortly after identified as gay, doesn’t mean that every single man who identifies as bi will identify as gay later.

7. Aren’t all women somewhat bi?

No, they’re not. This is a trope that eroticizes and hypersexualizes women for the straight male gaze. Some women are bi. Some women are gay. Some women are straight. Just like men and genderqueer folk.

8. So do you not like trans people?

This is a fallacy. Unfortunately, bisexual, honestly, is a misleading word for the identity. People often believe the “bi” in bisexual refers to two genders: male and female. This is why many sexually fluid individuals prefer the term pansexual. There are also many people who identify as both pansexual and bisexual. That’s completely fine too. The best definition of bisexual was coined by bisexual activist Robyn Ochs. As she says, “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” I like this definition because it helps to explain that the “bi” isn’t related to genders as male and female. Bi means you’re attracted to genders that are you own and genders that are not your own. So yes, that can mean you’re solely attracted to male and female. But more often than not, it includes multiple genders, as does Robyn’s definition.