656 SHARES Share Tweet

OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS — Fast food monolith McDonald’s told investors today that a brand new burger will be added to most menus worldwide starting in the third quarter of 2018. The “McFuckIt” burger will be the largest burger in the company’s history, and will cost $40.

“Made from the guts of a Big Mac, Quarter Pounder, Filet O’Fish, Shamrock Shake, two hot apple pies, and four Whoppers we go and get from the Burger King next door, the McFuckIt is the perfect burger for the customer who last all hope, sanity, and concern for their health or future,” McDonald’s corporate junior media contact Kirsten Mojave told investors this morning. “And we think that with the state of the world right now, there could be quite a few people out there who want to end it all in a blaze of 10,000 calorie glory.”

McDonald’s also announced that for the first time in their company’s history, they will be co-sponsoring a menu item. Included with every McFuckIt purchase will be the customer’s choice of one of a handful of anti-depressant samples, provided by Merck. The move comes as McDonald’s seeks to hone in on a very specific demographic of burger eater with the McFuckIt.

“This is one of our most ambitious sandwiches we’ve ever concocted,” Mojave said later. “So we want to do our best to make sure our ideal demographic — namely people who have just absolutely abandoned all hope and self-respect enough to cram one into their faces. We figured, and the market research seems to bear this out, that it takes someone with a truly bleak outlook of their lives to volunteer to eat a McFuckIt. Even in the lab we found only the most desperate and apathetic rats would eat it.”

International markets will receive a version of the McFuckIt as well.

“In Spain there’ll be the McChingaLosNos, and French locations will get Le McFuckIt,” Ms. Mojave explained. “Some regional differences will change up the ingredients a bit. For example, in India, the burger patties will be taken out and replaced with goat.”

McDonald’s competitors have already taken notice and have announced their own takes on the McFuckIt. Burger King will roll out the WTF-Whopper, which is literally everything on the menu blended into a fine puree and served in a 72-oz. cup with a fun silly straw. Taco Bell will have the Chingadero Grande, which is a seven layer burrito crammed into a grilled stuffed burrito, both of which are rolled up into a larger tortilla still, deep fried, and served with a gallon of diabetes blood to do a transfusion with later.

“Obviously we’re the first to market with our food item tailor made for the hopeless,” Mojave said. “But we welcome the competition as always to bring their A-game. It pushes us forward, and we think it pushes them forward.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.