Straight Edge Glassblower Has No Idea What to Make

DENVER — Straight edge artist Don Springer has completely exhausted ideas for his newfound glassblowing skills after finishing a single clumsy-looking glass letter ‘X,’ sources in the Denver punk community confirmed.

Springer’s former classmates at the Blown Over Glassworks Studio report he was initially incredibly enthusiastic to learn the craft. Upon completing the three month program, however, Springer grew frustrated that the only sculptures he could make would inevitably be used to smoke marijuana.

“I took this up after quitting a ceramics class, because I ended up making twenty different ash trays. I wish I’d realized earlier what I was getting myself into,” Springer said as he glanced at a vast array of pipes, steamrollers and bubblers made by fellow classmates. “I should’ve known by the sheer amount of dreadlocked dudes here that this was going to end poorly.”

Despite his best efforts, the 27-year-old Earth Crisis fan soon realized glassblowing is “pretty much designed for decidedly non-straight edge activities.”

“Outside of weed, some people make things like wine glasses and spittoons,” said Springer. “But it turns out that even nice shit like Christmas ornaments double as pretty good crack pipes.”

Springer admitted that all the “edge breakers” in his life were quick to question why he was learning to blow glass, and that he should have taken that as a sign to try another medium.

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“Yeah, my friends warned me about the drugs thing, but they also kept making fun of me for ‘getting really good at blowing,’ so I ignored them,” said Springer. “If I pay for six more months of classes, I could learn to make decorative lamps, but all these people here are really annoying.”

Veteran craftspeople in the Denver area have not been entirely sympathetic to Springer’s issues.

“I’ve been stone-cold sober for 15 years, and I’m happy to take that bong money,” said 47-year-old glassblower Florence Watt. “At least people will pay money for blown glass. My best friend does paper mache, and she’s always hurting for cash.”

At press time, Springer was laying out his options for a new craft. “I think I’ll give blacksmithing a shot,” he said. “Forge some iron and finally brand these Xs on my hands forever.”