As we've told you twice before , fan-fic writers don't let little things like "sanity" get in the way of their favorite characters meeting and then immediately boning. And unlike the rest of us, they don't take a Christmas vacation. So without further ado, let's see the genital-shriveling ways they celebrate the holidays.

Christmas is a time for family, goodwill toward your fellow man, and stories about Santa sodomizing Scooby-Doo. What, that last one's not a tradition for you? You must not be a fan fiction writer.

5 Twilight's Edward Is Santa Claus, Ruins Christmas

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Sexy Santa is a Twilight fan fiction story that replaces all that vampire crap from the popular novels and movies with Santa-on-Santa sex. We'll let you decide if this is an improvement or not.

The story begins with series protagonist Bella Swan prancing around her house in some sexy Christmas-themed lingerie that her friend forced her to try on, when her sparkly vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen emerges from her chimney. Except that in this world, Edward isn't a vampire and they've never met before. Also he's Santa:

"Tisk, tisk, tisk. And if you are so curious my name is Edward Cullen, also known as Santa Claus all over the world."

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How have we never noticed the obvious resemblance?

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Edward explains to the shocked Bella that he is literally St. Nicholas, but he didn't exactly come here to deliver any presents. Let's just say Bella's chimney isn't the only thing he'll be forcibly inserting himself into tonight.

Where It Gets Really Creepy:

It's not long before Edward Claus strips off his Santa suit and puts the "non-consensual" in "non-consensual sex":

The man smirked and stepped forward making Bella take a cautious step backwards. He took another step forward and she took one backwards. It was a game of predator and prey and it ended when Bella hit her couch and fell back into the comfortable pillows, Edward quickly climbing on top of her, trapping her to her couch.