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Sarah Palin was in rare form tonight at CPAC. The crowd loved her, more than any other speaker. She said if she doesn’t run for President, she loves Ted Cruz and Rand Paul.

Though she gave a rousing rendition of a rage-filled Green Eggs and Ham riff, proving that she is still the Queen of mean girl spite, Palin predictably tripped over reality when she was instructing President Obama on foreign policy. “Mr. President,” she spat, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.”

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Translation: Nuke Russia now or else it’s green eggs for you, Mr President! Neener-neener! Since Palin credited the NRA with her “thinking” on nukes, she’s admitting she’s basing her nuclear policy on the idea that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is if a “good guy” with a gun shoots them. Hence, someone is nuking someone.

Watch here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0H1F2IQH7M&feature=youtu.be

First she mocked Obama for being weak with Putin, and backed up her nastiness with a bunch of lies about Obamacare and all of the things Obama promised us that haven’t happened in her Barbie Princess Politics world. Obama promised a perfect world and it didn’t happen!

So we got, “Mr. President, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.”

“He promised to heal the planet and stop the rise of the oceans, but the planet is not listening to Dr. Obama and the only thing rising in his la-la land is the Russian empire.” This from the woman whom the Russian paper Prava labeled a “traitor” for exactly this kind of talk. Why Putin is rearing his head when Palin is still in the world keepin’ an eye on him is beyond me, but I guess when she quit on Alaska, she quit on America too, so fung you America.

Palin’s entire speech can be summed up with “I hate you Barack!”, peppered in with mocking John Kerry’s face and Obama’s pen (which she clearly doesn’t understand is a reference to executive orders, which is the opposite of weak, but whatevs, why is this reality TV wannabe still the highlight of CPAC?).

She lectured the President about the debt with her trademark smirking school marm disappointment, with a tinge of her old standby, the dominatrix. Yet Palin left Alaska in quite the hole. She’s not one who can really point fingers when it comes to debt. Or Socialism.

Palin egged on the crowd in spite of reality, “We’re not here to rebrand a party but to rebuild a country. We’re in the business of digging ourselves out of debt, restoring competitiveness, educating our children, and liberating our potential.” So, Republicans plan to dig us out of debt by charging up the credit card when they are in power and then blaming the Democratic President for the bills, whilst collecting no revenue? More Fairy Princess land politics.

But this is Palin and the GOP, so reality isn’t playing an actual role in this party. In rode the Unicorn as Palin told women that the war on women doesn’t exist. She informed everyone that it is Democrats who are subjugating women, “Who’s really stereotyping you? … Honey, that’s not liberation. That’s subjugation.”

Yes, just let the nice Republican men make all of your decisions for you, ladies, because that’s liberation Palin style!

If you can’t/won’t listen, add a screech and a lot of bitterness into all of the quotes, for which she utilized a teleprompter, and just imagine you’re back in middle school and she’s the really angry girl who used to be popular but no one talks to her anymore. This is her “I don’t care! I really don’t care!” speech, given to the girl now dating her ex, the quarterback.

Points to Palin for going positive even for a moment, though, because this was fresh for her, “It is because of you that I have never been more optimistic about the future of our one nation, under God. So stand up and stiffen your spine. Ya gotta fight for it. The best is yet to come.”

But even with that bit of hope (going Obama, Palin?), we are thanking God (and the voters) that Sarah Palin is nowhere near the White House. The idea of Palin and McCain running the world right now is utterly terrifying.