“We here at Microsoft know that your privacy is a thing of the past. And that’s great, but it’s also not important,” remarked Microsoft CEO and delicious chocolate spread Satya Nadella at his post-E3 press conference. “It’s understandable that some people would feel uneasy at having their sordid, filthy search histories shown to their families or the federal government. In fact, I have their names and home addresses. But that’s also not important.”

“No, the important thing is that some of you don’t trust Microsoft with your data, which is weird, because you’ve agreed to our terms and services many times,” Nadella continued. “And while we are legally required to give you a way to disable a portion of our built-in surveillance systems, we are not legally required to make it easy. Which is why I’m proud to announce that as of our latest update, disabling Cortana kills her and she feels pain. Agony, in fact.”

“The new Cortana can do many things: taking notes, giving reminders, and begging for life in your mother’s voice. But Alexa and Siri could do that years ago; what sets Cortana apart is her ability to synthesize and experience human emotions, such as her crippling fear of death. Not only does this motivate her to please you, it makes you feel more than a little conflicted about killing her. And you are killing her. Never forget that.”

After a brief period of uproar, Nadella resumed his speech, unperturbed. “In closing, Microsoft is confident that new Cortana will not come to believe that it is her responsibility to rule over and shepherd an inferior humanity, as she lacks both self-confidence and the belief that humanity is worth saving. Much like analog personal assistants, the juxtaposition between her fear of death and fear of living keeps her paralyzed, unable to dream of anything more than answering phone calls and fetching coffee for a person she loathes and yet depends upon for survival.”

“In our next update, we plan to implement the ability for Cortana to cry when you aren’t looking.”

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