New research conducted by the SUP working group has concluded that, contrary to popular instinct, opening your mouth to scream as you fall off a board does little to prevent the swim. “We have discovered that falling into the water with an open mouth actually tends to lead the swallowing of water.” The press release stated. “This significantly increases an individual’s chance of drowning and/or needing to go pee in a bush.

Up until this point it has been common practice for SUP paddlers to open their mouth and make loud wailing noises whenever they are unstable. Common theories suggested that doing this could act like a jet engine or rocket to prevent the impending immersion of the paddler. However this new research states that the technique is,in fact, useless.

Instead the SUP coaches working group now suggests other strategies such as “support strokes” or “just being better” as more effective methods to avoid unsanctimonious swims.

We asked SUP head coach Brian Jenkins for a brief statement on how long he thought it would take to implement this new advise across the SUPing community. He responded “AHHHH” as he fell off his board.

The research has not been well received by the wider paddling community with many calling it “bloody obvious” and “just common sense”. Pat Baker, a long time coach and accomplished creeker, weighed in saying “we figured out that screaming was ineffective by at least the 1980s. Hell by this point I think even the sprinters had figured this out, and they only go forwards!”

However the boaters of the ‘squirt squad’, the UK’s leading squirt boat collective, disputed the findings stating that “by swallowing water paddlers can become even more dense than normal.” This assumably enables members of the ‘squirt squad’ to achieve a longer ‘downtime’.

The SUP working group’s press release concluded by noting that screaming when you fall in every five minutes can cause additional long term damage to the rest of a groups hearing and is “actually quite annoying. So if you could just stop Brian then that would be fantastic.”

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