Houston, TX— At the 2019 meeting of the Federation of Prosperity Pastors, is was resolved that, while he certainly had some good things to say about earning and growing wealth, particularly in his parable of the unprofitable servants, Jesus of Nazareth was just way too Marxist.

“We’re not saying he wasn’t the son of God or anything. We’re just saying we wish he would have spent less time with broke and poor people, and more time making us – uh, everybody, rich,” said Federation spokesman, Randall Harmon.

The Federation spent most of the conference talking about just how hard it is to get through the eye of a needle, even going as far as bringing in a giant needle so everyone could walk through its eye. “See? Not hard at all,” shouted Mr. Harmon. “We’re good. It’s all good.”

Many have accused Jesus of being a Marxist, but this is the first time a group of Evangelical Christians have admitted as much. Mr. Harmon continued, “Jesus’ preaching wasn’t that the poor should work to become rich. What he preached was that those who have wealth will have it taken away. Those who are poor, they’ll inherit the earth. And that’s just wrong.”