DAYTON, OH – As Thanksgiving fast approaches, millions of Americans are hustling and bustling to secure their turkeys on time, catch a flight to a relative’s house, and beat the vacation traffic. But the families of one school district will be engaging in no such traditional revelry this year, as they mourn the hundreds of kindergarteners killed, maimed, enslaved, or fallen to smallpox in what many parents are calling “the most historically accurate Thanksgiving Day Pageant ever devised.”

“We wanted to make sure the children really understood the story behind the first Thanksgiving,” said Martha Edelstein, kindergarten teacher and volunteer director for the pageant. “Initially we were going to do the classic Christopher Columbus story, but it just wasn’t authentic enough. We decided that, if these kids were really going to live through history, some children were going to have to die.”

The Pageant, which lasted three hours and claimed the lives of nearly all Crown Hill Elementary’s students below 3rd grade, took place this Monday and left the school auditorium reportedly slick with the blood of dozens upon dozens of children dressed as Native Americans. While the majority of children fell to direct and indirect smooth-bore musket fire, many were lost to starvation, disease, and bear attacks.

“The tough part must have been getting ahold of the smallpox,” said Arthur & Madeleine Zimmerman, whose twin daughters were raped and murdered by three 1st graders playing the parts of westward expansionists. “I was really amazed with the authenticity. Watching the hope slowly drain from our daughters’ eyes was such an educational experience. I’m sure they just learned so much.”

“Or they would have, if they weren’t dead,” added the Zimmermans.

“I couldn’t have been prouder of the dedication our students showed,” said Edelstein. “Even as they watched their classmates speared on bayonets, consumed by alcoholism, and hanged from the gallows for protesting the theft of land for which they had no concept of ownership, they all remembered their lines and hit their marks. And it was so adorable to see them all waving eagerly to their parents before the big scalping scene.”

Edelstein says those students in intensive care who are expected to survive are already excited for the Christmas pageant, which will include the slaughter of all male infants in Bethlehem.