BRENTWOOD, TN—Growing increasingly worked up over his lack of foresight, local man Alexander Diggs began to experience severe panic after realizing he had no plans for the ripe avocado on his kitchen counter, sources indicated Friday. “Oh God, no, no, no, please—I just picked this up yesterday, and it’s already going soft—what the hell am I supposed to do?” said Diggs, who reportedly was gripped with a sense of terror and uncertainty upon realizing the perishable good would soon expire and he didn’t have a single salad, brunch, or dinner recipe in mind. “Think, dammit. Surely, I can put it to some kind of use. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t even have a piece of bread to scrape it on. Why did I buy this thing? Fuck, fuck, fuck!” At press time, reports confirmed Diggs had decided to bury the avocado deep in his kitchen wastebasket beneath a layer of paper towels.

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