Yesterday, I woke up at 5.30am as per usual (next to Melania, my total piece of ass, which is how I describe my ideal company) and I was given my press clippings. What did I find out? I’ll tell you what I found out. I’ve been nominated to win the Nobel PEACE prize.

I’m not surprised. When you ask the people to say who they think deserves a prize, the people will say TRUMP. They’re saying Trump because they know Trump won’t be bullied by radical Islam. They’re saying Trump because they know I will stand up to nuclear Iran and communist China.

Sure, it’s those weak Europeans who get to decide who wins, and sure, history has shown they’ve chosen Muslims like that girl – Malala whatsherface (who, by the way, doesn’t like me much). But I’m ok with that.

You see, America is the only country I care about. You know what those Norwegians on the prize committee call us? I’ll tell you. Those Norwegians use the word Texas as slang for crazy. I don’t. I call Texas GREAT. Those Norwegians let in millions of refugees and let them take their jobs and their women (roughly millions, give or take 999,000). I won’t let that happen.

Now there will be those people who say I don’t deserve this prize. Those people are LOSERS – just like Rosie O’Donnell, Seth Meyers and all people without egos. I’m not a loser, though. America isn’t a loser.

All of America loves me. As I’ve said before, I have a great relationship with the blacks. Heck, even those Latinos down in Texas are going to love having Trump as president. They don’t need any European prize to tell them that I’ll bring peace to America.

Let’s win what really counts. Let’s win this country back. And this, ladies and gents, is why that peace prize should be MINE.