CLASS WAR

Arsenal are big on class and tradition. The marble halls at Highbury? Nothing is more traditional or classy than marble. A dinosaur prancing about the place before matches and taking part in minute's silences? It certainly makes more sense than the Gunners having a mascot called Colin the Cannon. The Emirates Cup? It's the oldest, most hallowed, most sepia-toned cup competition in the world. Arsenal defenders falling over themselves to allow Didier Drogba to plunder two goals and win the trophy for his club, just for old time's sake? The work of a club with the very essence of gentlemanliness coursing through its veins. Arsène Wenger spending his every waking moment defending the absence of big-name signings and repeatedly pointing at the acquisition of Yaya Sanogo as evidence of Arsenal's super-sized ambition? You get the idea.

And perhaps all of the above is why Brendan Rodgers, qualified motivational speaker and head guru at Liverpool Football Club Football Club (LFCFC), another Football Club highly concerned with history, class and tradition, all of which are abstract concepts that cannot be bought by the likes of Chelsea and Manchester City but which can be used as a comfort blanket while the likes of Chelsea and Manchester City set about making their fans happy with trophies, is so upset with Arsenal's decidedly non-classy bid of £40m plus £1 for the classiest of guys, Luis Suárez. As far as Rodgers is concerned, such a sneaky move was definitely not a real classy touch from Arsenal and the situation is threatening to become so critical that we could soon have a class war on our hands as both parties grapple for the moral high ground. If only the pair of them had listened more to Ron Burgundy.

"I was surprised," Rodgers sniffed, surprisingly resisting the urge to use a reflexive pronoun in the incorrect place. "I've got to say I've always associated Arsenal as a club with class and so there was a wee bit of a game there." Lessons in class from a man with a portrait of himself in his house has to hurt but luckily Suárez was spared a tongue-lashing from Rodgers after his appearance off the bench in Saturday's friendly against Olympiakos "That just showed you the class of the Liverpool supporters," he continued. "That was a message from them, that they love him here. We all love him – the players, the manager and the fans, and Luis is still very much part of what we are doing." The Fiver's getting a bit emotional.

Whether Wayne Rooney receives a similar reception from Manchester United fans when he appears at Old Trafford next remains to be seen after news emerged this morning that Chelsea have had a second bid of £30m rejected for the striker, who might have to hand in a transfer request to force a move. In an entirely predictable twist, it was then announced that Rooney will miss United's friendly against AIK in Sweden tomorrow, citing shoulder-knack. Heavens! What rotten luck! Not to fear, though, like-a-new-signing Bébé's back in the squad. Perhaps you can buy class after all.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I don't spit on the plate from which I eat" – Cristiano Ronaldo responds to José Mourinho's comments that he had trained "the true Ronaldo, not the other one, Ronaldo the Brazilian" in his time as assistant at Barcelona. Handily, it's Chelsea v Real Madrid on Wednesday.

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BITS AND BOBS

Loïc Rémy is coughing for the Newcastle doctors with a view to joining the club on loan. Meanwhile, Marseille striker André-Pierre Gignac is reasonably adamant he's not going to St James' Park: "Newcastle and the rest, it is all bull$hit," he potty-mouthed.

Roberto Soldado has already proved to the Spurs doctor he has the requisite number of arms and legs and has completed his transfer from Valencia.

Sunderland fan Liam Jones, who claimed he was "doing a chicken dance" while making a monkey gesture at Romelu Lukaku last season, has been banned from football for three years and handed an 18-month conditional discharge.

Rapid Vienna teenager Maximilian Hofmann gave away a penalty and was sent off 90 seconds into his Woodgatesque debut yesterday, although his team still managed to beat Sturm Graz 4-2.

Santiago Wanderers keeper Mauricio Viana saved a last-minute penalty to seal a goalless draw against Audax Italiano, unaware that he had suffered intestine-perforation-yelp.

And Johan Cruyff reckons booze, rather than doping, was the reason the West German players in the 1974 World Cup final were bigger than the Dutch side. "They were developed better physically, but everybody always said that was because they drank more beer," he hiccuped.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Amy Lawrence and Barry Glendenning, giving the hot chat on Arsenal and Aston Villa's chances for the coming season, respectively.

STILL WANT MORE?

The Gallery returns on 13 August: get your entries in to gallery@theguardian.com for the Premier League's new faces.

After David Hytner ran the rule over Arsenal and Stuart James perused the forthcoming Aston Villa season, you too can play our thrilling new game: guess the next Premier League preview. (Hint, it's Cardiff).

Danny Webber pays a moving tribute to his former Manchester United and Watford colleague Jimmy Davis, who died 10 years ago this week.

Today's Rumour Mill missed out on its hat-trick after mentioning Wayne Rooney, Luis Suárez, then failing to complete the trinity with a Gareth Bale line. Still, there's a bit about Jermain Defoe. Which is something.

And something from the weekend: Raphael Honigstean on how Pep Guardiola is not Bayern's "noble sideline gentleman".

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