CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing frustration that the new role had been imposed on it without even so much as a warning, a recently planted maple tree reportedly wished Tuesday that it had been given a say in becoming a memorial to a man’s dead wife. “It’s just a really awkward position to be put in; I didn’t even know the woman,” said the young deciduous plant, adding that its own feelings on the matter should have at least been taken into account before being forced to represent the lost love of some random person in perpetuity. “All I wanted was to get planted in the forest, but now I’m stuck in some backyard, watching this old sad sack sit on the bench near me every damn day while he bawls his eyes out over some dead lady. I’m going to be known as ‘Allison’s tree’ for the rest of my life—it’s complete bullshit.” At press time, the maple was reportedly putting all its energy into making sure that one of its roots grew straight through the woman’s memorial plaque.

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