NOTE: For real proofs of the nonexistence of any god, see "Why Atheism?" For other evidence, go to Atheists of Silicon Valley debate page. Hundreds of Proofs of God’s Existence

Formerly: Over Three Hundred Proofs of God’s Existence Originally adapted from a forum on the Internet Infidels.

TRANSCENDENTAL ARGUMENT

a.k.a. PRESUPPOSITIONALIST (I)

(1) If reason exists then God exists.

(2) Reason exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. COSMOLOGICAL ARGUMENT

a.k.a. FIRST CAUSE ARGUMENT (I)

(1) If I say something must have a cause, it has a cause.

(2) I say the universe must have a cause.

(3) Therefore, the universe has a cause.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (I)

(1) I define God to be X.

(2) Since I can conceive of X, X must exist.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (II)

(1) I can conceive of a perfect God.

(2) One of the qualities of perfection is existence.

(3) Therefore, God exists. MODAL ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT

(1) God is either necessary or unnecessary.

(2) God is not unnecessary, therefore God must be necessary.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN

a.k.a. GOD OF THE GAPS

a.k.a. TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (I)

(1) Check out the world/universe/giraffe. Isn't it complex?

(2) Only God could have made them so complex.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BEAUTY

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (II)

(1) Isn't that baby/sunset/flower/tree beautiful?

(2) Only God could have made them so beautiful.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MIRACLES (I)

(1) My aunt had cancer.

(2) The doctors gave her all these horrible treatments.

(3) My aunt prayed to God and now she doesn't have cancer.

(4) Therefore, God exists. MORAL ARGUMENT (I)

(1) Person X, a well-known atheist, was morally inferior to the rest of us.

(2) Therefore, God exists. MORAL ARGUMENT (II)

(1) In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard.

(2) That all changed once I became religious.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CREATION

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL INCREDULITY (I)

(1) If evolution is false, then creationism is true, and therefore God exists.

(2) Evolution can't be true, since I lack the mental capacity to understand it; moreover, to accept its truth would cause me to be uncomfortable.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FEAR

(1) If there is no God then we're all going to not exist after we die.

(2) I'm afraid of that.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE BIBLE

(1) [arbitrary passage from OT]

(2) [arbitrary passage from NT]

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTELLIGENCE

(1) Look, there's really no point in me trying to explain the whole thing to you stupid atheists; it's too complicated for you to understand. God exists whether you like it or not.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNINTELLIGENCE

(1) Okay, I don't pretend to be as intelligent as you guys — you're obviously very well read. But I read the Bible, and nothing you say can convince me that God does not exist. I feel him in my heart, and you can feel him too, if you'll just ask him into your life. "For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son into the world, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish from the earth." John 3:16.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BELIEF

(1) If God exists, then I should believe in Him.

(2) I believe in God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION

a.k.a. TOMAS DE TORQUEMADA'S ARGUMENT

(1) See this bonfire?

(2) Therefore, God exists. PARENTAL ARGUMENT

(1) My mommy and daddy told me that God exists.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NUMBERS

(1) Billions of people believe in God.

(2) They can't all be wrong, can they?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ABSURDITY

(1) Maranatha!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ECONOMY

(1) God exists, you bastards!

(2) Therefore, God exists. BOATWRIGHT'S ARGUMENT

(1) Ha ha ha.

(2) Therefore, God exists. DORE'S ARGUMENT

(1) I forgot to take my meds.

(2) Therefore, I AM CHRIST!!

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GUITAR MASTERY

(1) Eric Clapton is God.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTERNET AUTHORITY

(1) There is a website that successfully argues for the existence of God.

(2) Here is the URL.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

(1) Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping!

(2) No one has ever refuted (1).

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN EVANGELISM

(1) Telling people that God exists makes me filthy rich.

(2) Therefore, God exists. MITCHELL'S ARGUMENT

(1) The Christian God exists.

(2) Therefore, all worldviews which don't assume the Christian God's existence are false and incomprehensible.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BLINDNESS (I)

(1) Atheists are spiritually blind.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BLINDNESS (II)

(1) God is love.

(2) Love is blind.

(3) Stevie Wonder is blind.

(4) Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FALLIBILITY

(1) Human reasoning is inherently flawed.

(2) Therefore, there is no reasonable way to challenge a proposition.

(3) I propose that God exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SMUGNESS

(1) God exists.

(2) I don't give a crap whether you believe it or not; I have better things to do than to try to convince you morons.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM META-SMUGNESS

(1) Fuck you.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MANIFESTATIONS

(1) If you turn your head sideways and squint a little, you can see an image of a bearded face in that tortilla.

(2) Therefore, God exists. SLATHER'S ARGUMENT

(1) My toaster is God.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPLETE DEVASTATION

(1) A plane crashed killing 143 passengers and crew.

(2) But one child survived with only third-degree burns.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM POSSIBLE WORLDS

(1) If things had been different, then things would be different.

(2) That would be bad.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SHEER WILL

(1) I DO believe in God! I DO believe in God! I do I do I do I DO believe in God!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NONBELIEF

(1) The majority of the world's population are nonbelievers in Christianity.

(2) This is just what Satan intended.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM POST-DEATH EXPERIENCE

(1) Person X died an atheist.

(2) He now realizes his mistake.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

(1) God loves you.

(2) How could you be so heartless to not believe in him?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SACRIFICIAL BLACKMAIL

(1) Jesus died for your sins.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INCOHERENT BABBLE

(1) See that person spazzing on the church floor babbling incoherently?

(2) That's how God's infinite wisdom reveals itself.

(3) Therefore, God exists. OPRAH'S ARGUMENT (I)

(1) The human spirit exists.

(2) Therefore, God exists. OPRAH'S ARGUMENT (II)

(1) Check out this video segment.

(2) Now how can anyone watch that and NOT believe in God?

(3) Therefore, God exists. CALVIN'S ARGUMENT

a.k.a. TERTULLIAN'S ARGUMENT

(1) If God exists, then he will let me watch you be tortured forever.

(2) I rather like that idea.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CROCKERY

(1) Pots don't go around giving orders to the potter.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MASS PRODUCTION

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PLASTIC DESIGN

(1) Barbie dolls were created.

(2) If Barbie dolls were created, then so were trees.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PAROCHIALISM

(1) God is everywhere.

(2) We haven't been everywhere to prove he's not there.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UPPERCASE ASSERTION

(1) GOD EXISTS! GET USED TO IT!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INFINITE REGRESS

a.k.a. FIRST CAUSE ARGUMENT (II)

(1) Ask atheists what caused the Big Bang.

(2) Regardless of their answer, ask how they know this.

(3) Continue process until the atheist admits he doesn't know the answer to one of your questions.

(4) You win!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INCREDULITY (II)

(1) How could God NOT exist, you bozo?

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HISTORY

(1) The Bible is true.

(2) Therefore, the Bible is historical fact.

(3) The Bible says that God exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM RESURRECTION

(1) Proof of God's existence will be available when you rise bodily from your grave.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BIOGENESIS

(1) Where did Adam come from, dummy?

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM STEADFAST FAITH

(1) A lot of really cool people believed in God their entire lives.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LONELINESS

(1) Christians say that Jesus is their best friend.

(2) I'm lonely, and I want a best friend.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ARGUMENTATION

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist's counterargument]

(3) Yes he does.

(4) [Atheist's counterargument]

(5) Yes he does!

(6) [Atheist's counterargument]

(7) YES HE DOES!!!

(8) [Atheist gives up and goes home.]

(9) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CREATIVE INTERPRETATION

(1) God is:

(a) The feeling you have when you look at a newborn baby.

(b) The love of a mother for her child.

(c) That little still voice in your heart.

(d) Humankind's potential to overcome their difficulties.

(e) How I feel when I look at a sunset.

(f) The taste of ice cream on a hot day.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INSECURITY

(1) We have gone to absolutely berserk lengths to establish that atheists are laughable morons.

(1.5) Actually, we did so in the hopes of curing our own insecurities about theism — but there's no chance in hell we'll ever admit that.

(2) Therefore, atheists are laughable morons.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SUPERIORITY

(1) If God does not exist, then I am an inferior being, since I am not "special" in a cosmic sense.

(2) But I am superior because I am a Christian.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ABSOLUTE MORAL STANDARDS

(1) If there are absolute moral standards, then God exists.

(2) Atheists say that there are no absolute moral standards.

(3) But that's because they don't want to admit to being sinners.

(4) Therefore, there are absolute moral standards.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HUMAN NECESSITY

(1) Atheists say that they don't need God.

(2) Which just goes to show that they need God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HIDDEN LOGIC (I)

(1) Intellectually, I know that the existence of God is impossible, or vastly improbable.

(2) But I must put on the appearance of being cool and intellectual in front of my Christian apologist peers.

(3) Therefore, I must pretend that (1) is false.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HIDDEN LOGIC (II)

(1) Atheists say that God doesn't exist.

(2) But they only say that because they want to look cool and intellectual in front of their peers.

(3) They don't fool me!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INDULGENCE

(1) Atheists like to think that they can control their emotional desires.

(2) But they're atheists, so they can't.

(3) Therefore, atheists feel the need to indulge in whatever they feel like without worrying about committing sin.

(4) This just goes to show how they need God in their lives.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HATE

(1) Some atheists hate Christians and Christianity.

(2) That's why they don't believe in God.

(3) Pathetic, aren't they?

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DENIAL OF QUENTIN SMITH

(1) Quentin Smith says that God does not exist.

(2) But God does exist.

(3) Therefore, Quentin Smith cannot be accepted as an expert on the matter, because he is wrong.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EVIL SPIRITS

(1) I've just had contact with evil spirits.

(2) Therefore, God exists. KENT HOVIND'S ARGUMENT

(1) I don't want to work for a living.

(2) I don't want to pay taxes.

(3) I can get gullible fundamentalists to send me money.

(4) I can use religious exemption claims to tie the IRS up in court.

(5) The IRS can't send me to prison.

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM KENT HOVIND'S CHALLENGE

(1) Kent Hovind offers $250,000 (which may or may not exist) to anyone who can demonstrate evolution (defined as a natural, acausal origin of the universe) to a reasonable doubt (meaning with 100% certainty, allowing for no other possibilities whatsoever) in front of a neutral committee (handpicked by Hovind himself) and according to certain criteria (carefully worded so as to rule out any possibility whatsoever of the challenge ever being met).

(2) No atheist has ever met this challenge.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INSANITY

(1) No sane person could have thought up Christianity.

(2) Therefore, it must be true

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EXHAUSTION (abridged)

(1) Do you agree with the utterly trivial proposition X?

(2) Atheist: of course.

(3) How about the slightly modified proposition X'?

(4) Atheist: Um, no, not really.

(5) Good. Since we agree, how about Y? Is that true?

(6) Atheist: No! And I didn't agree with X'!

(7) With the truths of these clearly established, surely you agree that Z is true as well?

(8) Atheist: No. So far I have only agreed with X! Where is this going, anyway?

(9) I'm glad we all agree.....

....

(37) So now we have used propositions X, X', Y, Y', Z, Z', P, P', Q and Q' to arrive at the obviously valid point R. Agreed?

(38) Atheist: Like I said, so far I've only agreed with X. Where is this going?

....

(81) So we now conclude from this that propositions L'', L''' and J'' are true. Agreed?

(82) I HAVEN'T AGREED WITH ANYTHING YOU'VE SAID SINCE X! WHERE IS THIS GOING?

....

(177) ...and it follows that proposition HRV, SHQ'' and BTU' are all obviously valid. Agreed?

(178) [Atheist either faints from overwork or leaves in disgust.]

(179) Therefore, God exists. MR. GOODSALT'S ARGUMENT (ARGUMENT FROM GENERAL INQUIRY)

(1) Question for atheist population: [apparently random question]

(2) Your answer is wrong.

(3) Therefore, God exists. PEACOCK'S ARGUMENT FROM ORIGINALITY

(1) I have written the following to demonstrate the existence of God.

(2) [insert entire text of a William Lane Craig article]

(3) Therefore, God exists. PEACOCK'S ARGUMENT FROM LIMITED VOCABULARY

(1) You use lots of big words.

(2) Therefore, I cannot possibly be expected to understand your refutation of my position.

(3) Therefore, God exists. PEACOCK'S ARGUMENT FROM SELECTIVE MEMORY

(1) [Christian asks "stumper" question.]

(2) [Atheist answers question.]

(3) [A lapse of time]

(4) [Christian repeats question.]

(5) [Atheist repeats answer.]

(6) [A lapse of time]

(7) [Christian repeats question.]

(8) [Atheist repeats answer.]

(9) [A lapse of time]

(10) [Atheist leaves in frustration.]

(11) Atheist, you never answered my question.

(12) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE ECONOMICS

(1) Protestant Christian nations are rich.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL SANITY

(1) I've had religious experiences that can't be explained unless I'm insane or God exists.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INSTITUTIONAL LONGETIVITY

(1) The Roman Catholic Church has been around for a long time.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INEVITABILITY

(1) I have proof that God exists.

(2) I won't bother to tell you what it is because, being atheists, you would be hostile to the conclusion anyway.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "THE MATRIX"

(1) We cannot prove that we don't live in a Matrix-like world.

(2) Therefore we cannot know reality.

(3) If reality is contingent, then everything is possible.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SUBJECTIVITY

(1) Everything is subjective.

(2) No subjective proof can be superior to any other subjective proof.

(3) Based upon my subjective opinion, your opinion, that if everything is subjective then, perforce, God is subjective, is false.

(4) Therefore, God (objectively) exists. ARGUMENT FROM POSTMODERNISM

(1) I'm going to prove to you that God exists.

(2) [Insert any of the other arguments on this page in here.]

(3) [Atheist refutes argument.]

(4) I cannot prove there is a God any more than anyone of us can prove we really exist in a tangible world.

(5) Therefore, God exists. META-PROOF

(1) This is a proof of God's existence.

(2) If the reader finishes reading this proof, the existence of God will be proven to him/her.

(3) If the existence of God is proven, then God exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. PROOF BY ANECDOTE

(1) God can be seen by those who believe in Him.

(2) If God is seen, then He must exist.

(3) I have seen God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BIBLICAL HISTORY

(1) Many modern historians think that there probably was somebody named Jesus, maybe.

(2) Therefore, God exists. BENDER’S ARGUMENT (I)

(1) One day, demons were tap-dancing on my roof. I prayed and they went away.

(2) Therefore, demons are really good dancers.

(3) Also, God exists. BENDER’S ARGUMENT (II) (ARGUMENT FROM DAVID BLAINE)

(1) If David Blaine does real magic, then God exists.

(2) It looked real on his TV special.

(3) Therefore, God exists. RANDMAN’S ARGUMENT

(1) This entry from the 1975 World Book Encyclopedia on evolution contains some errors that I claim to have already substantiated.

(2) Mr. Ph.D.-in-Evolutionary-Biology, this proves that evolution is an unsound scientific concept.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MULTIPLICITY (I)

a.k.a. METACROCK'S ARGUMENT

(1) I have a large number of arguments for God.

(2) One of them is probably true.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FORTUITOUS COINCIDENCE

(1) What are the odds of that happening?

(2) Pretty long, I’ll bet.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MYSTERIOUS USE OF PREPOSITIONS

(1) It is impossible to disprove God with your puny human intellect unless you are above God.

(2) Are you higher than God?

(3) I’ll take that puzzled look on your face as a 'No.'

(4) Therefore, God (being the highest thing ever) exists. ARGUMENT FROM TEEN CHRISTIAN MOVEMENT

(1) God is so totally awesome, dude, and if you would pretend that Creed and POD were good bands, you would realize that.

(2) Also, our youth group leader Skip once, like, cured a broken leg using only the power of the almighty Lord.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SPEAKING IN TONGUES

(1) My friend here, once started spontaneously speaking some jibberish that sounded to me kind of like Russian.

(2) But neither he nor I know anything about Russian.

(3) The only explanation is God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EUROPEAN HISTORY

(1) Many prominent thinkers in pre-modern Europe believed in God.

(2) Let’s just forget about the nineteenth and twentieth centuries.

(3) Therefore, God exists. PALEY'S ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN

a.k.a. GOD OF THE GAPS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (III)

(1) If there is a designer, then God must exist.

(2) If I find a watch in a forest, there must be a designer.

(3) [Throws watch into forest.]

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN,

a.k.a. GOD OF THE GAPS,

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (IV),

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL INCREDULITY (III)

(1) Isn't X amazing!

(2) I don't understand how X could be, without something else (that I don't really understand either) making or doing X.

(3) This something else must be God because I can't come up with a better explanation.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM OFFENSE

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist makes counterarguments.]

(3) You know what? I am offended.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PRAYER (I)

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist makes counterarguments.]

(3) You have my prayers. ARGUMENT FROM AGNOSTICISM

(1) I don't know and you don't know either.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LOVE

(1) Have you ever fallen in love?

(2) [Of course!!]

(3) So what is the cause of love? Isn't it God? Am I right or not?

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM IDENTITY (PC ARGUMENT)

(1) Believing in God is a central part of my identity.

(2) You don't mean to deny my identity do you?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FORMATTING

(1) Behold, foolish atheists, I present you with an incontrovertible proof of the existence of God.

(2) [Christian posts 10,000 word document without a single paragraph break.]

(3) [Atheist's eyes implode.]

(4) I see that nobody can refute (2).

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NON-CONFRONTATION

(1) I am not here to argue with you atheists.

(2) But come on, God obviously exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EXODUS

(1) If the Exodus story has any basis in historical fact, then God exists.

(2) Some guy found what looked like plant-encrusted chariot wheels at the bottom of the Red Sea.

(3) There is absolutely no other way that chariots could get to the bottom of the Red Sea.

(4) This means the Exodus story is true.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MARTYRDOM

(1) The apostles would not have died for something they knew wasn't true.

(2) Atheist notes that the NT doesn't mention anyone dying for their knowledge of Jesus' "physical" resurrection.

(3) Atheist also gives examples of martyrs outside Christendom.

(4) Obviously those examples were fooled by Satan.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TINKERBELL

(1) I really want God to be real.

(2) If you wish for something really hard, it'll come true.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF DISPROOF

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM SHIFTED BURDEN OF PROOF

(1) You can't prove God doesn't exist!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ANECDOTAL EXPERIENCE (I)

(1) I once experienced something I can't explain.

(2) Atheist offers several possible, natural explanations.

(3) You're just guessing! I was there.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ANECDOTAL EXPERIENCE (II)

(1) I have experienced feelings of God's presence in my mind.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NEUROSCIENCE

(1) Scientists say a portion of our brain may be responsible for mystical experiences.

(2) God must have created our brain like that.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EYEWITNESS (SOMETIMES FOLLOWS OR COMBINED WITH LACK OF EYEWITNESS I)

(1) Someone wrote the creation story in the Bible.

(2) That someone must have been an eyewitness to the described events.

(3) The only possible eyewitness was God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF EYEWITNESS (I)

(1) You weren't there to witness abiogenisis/Big Bang/etc.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF EYEWITNESS (II)

(1) No one's ever seen one species turn into another.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HALF A WING

(1) Half of a wing is useless!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PREFERRED ANCESTRY

(1) I don't want to be related to monkeys.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FOOLISHNESS

(1) The Bible says atheists are fools.

(2) I don't want to be a fool.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PIG'S TOOTH

(1) Some scientists once thought a tooth was from an 'ape-man.'

(2) Later scientists discovered it was a pig's tooth.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (I)

(1) Someone made fun of my faith.

(2) God said that persecution would happen.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (II)

(1) Jesus said that people would make fun of Christians.

(2) I am an idiot.

(3) People often point that out.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (III)

(1) You atheists are mean!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM JESUS SAID STUFF

(1) Jesus said some really cool stuff.

(2) No one else had said that stuff.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DIFFERENCES

(1) The Christian God is different than the gods of other religions.

(2) Therefore, the Christian God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN MORALITY (altho it could probably be adapted to just about any religion)

(1) Somewhere, someone who called himself or herself a Christian did something nice.

(2) This person was probably not lying.

(3) Therefore, this person was a Christian.

(4) Therefore, Christians do nice things.

(5) Therefore, Christians are moral.

(6) Christians believe in the Bible.

(7) Therefore, the Bible is moral.

(8) The Bible is God's word. It says so.

(9) Therefore, God is moral.

(10) (We are just ignoring all the not-nice things that Christians may or may not have done in the past, it's hard to trust history anyway, there are enemies of God working everywhere).

(11) A moral God would be really nice.

(12) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CRAZINESS

a.k.a. PERCHANCE'S SISTER'S ARGUMENT (I)

(1) I would go crazy if I didn't believe in God.

(2) I am not crazy, and don't want to go crazy.

(3) Therefore, God exists. MRS. POPE'S ARGUMENT FROM CHOCOLATE

(1) Chocolate is God's gift to humanity.

(2) Therefore, God exists.

(3) Now class, would anyone like to attempt an Argument From Beer? ARGUMENT FROM WWJD

(1) I have the “What Would Jesus Do?” T-shirt, bracelet, baseball hat, and shoelaces.

(2) I wear them in public.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTEREST

(1) If God really doesn’t exist than atheists wouldn’t spend so much time talking about him.

(2) [Atheist refutes (1).]

(3) Therefore, God exists. REID’S ARGUMENT

(1) You assume that your senses are reliable even though you can’t prove it.

(2) That means I get to assume anything I want.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY

(1) [Christian posts argument.]

(2) [Atheist refutes argument.]

(3) Atheist, you obviously didn’t understand my argument.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CATCH-PHRASE

a.k.a. INVERSE TRUE SCOTSMAN ARGUMENT

(1) There are no atheists in foxholes.

(2) [Atheist points out atheists in foxholes.]

(3) They don’t count.

(4) Therefore, God exists. TERCEL’S ARGUMENT FROM PROBABILITY

(1) We should believe what probably is true.

(2) I have arbitrarily assigned the proposition “God exists” a probability of 0.75.

(3) That probability came from my ass, which I know assigns extremely accurate probabilities to propositions concerning the existence of God.

(4) So God probably exists.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FREE GIFT

a.k.a. KISSING HANK'S ASS (I)

(1) If some guy came up to you on the street and offered you a billion dollars for nothing in return, would you take the money or deny his existence?

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHARITY

(1) Atheists don’t build hospitals.

(2) [Atheist points out Bill Gates and Ted Turner, who donate billions of dollars to charity.]

(3) Yes, but do they build hospitals?

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SERIOUS ASSERTION

(1) God exists.

(2) No, seriously.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM POSITIVE OUTCOME

(1) Even if God doesn’t exist, it would be better if people believed He did.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF EVIDENCE (I)

(1) I believe that if God exists, there will be no evidence for his existence.

(2) There is no evidence for the existence of God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF EVIDENCE (II) (MODIFIED SIMPSON’S ARGUMENT)

(1) God, if you exist, please give me absolutely no sign.

(2)

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM IDIOCY

(1) I am an idiot.

(2) Even an idiot can see that God exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (I)

(1) Terrorists destroyed the WTC, killing thousands.

(2) One piece of the rubble sort of looks like a cross.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (II)

(1) A plane was hijacked by terrorists.

(2) The passengers prayed and attacked the terrorists.

(3) The plane crashed into a field, killing all aboard.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (III)

a.k.a. PERCHANCE'S SISTER'S ARGUMENT (II)

(1) September 11th was really, really bad.

(2) We have bad things happen to us when we're doing something bad.

(3) Therefore, September 11th was a punishment for something we did.

(4) Maybe it was being arrogant?

(5) Yeah, that's it!

(6) God let September 11th happen to teach America humility.

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MASS MURDER

(1) Stalin was an atheist.

(2) He murdered millions of people.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TORNADOS

(1) A large tornado hit Kansas City.

(2) The tornado missed a church but destroyed several hundred homes.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SPAGHETTI

(1) A few people saw something weird in a bowl of spaghetti.

(2) Some Catholics believe that it is the Virgin Mary.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MONEY

(1) All U.S. currency contains the motto "In God We Trust."

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE (I)

(1) The Pledge clearly states that America is "one nation, under God * * *."

(2) The existence of God is thus a necessary condition for the existence of America.

(3) America exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE FOUNDING FATHERS (I)

(1) Some of America's Founding Fathers wrote favorably about the Bible.

(2) The Founding Fathers were really, really smart.

(3) Accordingly, the Bible must be true.

(4) The Bible says that God exists.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE FOUNDING FATHERS (II)

(1) The Declaration of Independence includes the words "God" and "Creator".

(2) Only a Christian would include the words "God" and "Creator"!

(3) Therefore this is a Christian Nation.

(4) A Christian Nation couldn't last over 200 years without God's help.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE FALL OF PAGAN ROME

(1) When Jesus was crucified, the Roman Empire was pagan, ruled by a pagan emperor.

(2) A couple of hundred years later, lots of Romans were Christians, and the emperor was a Christian too!

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LOTS OF BOOKS

(1) The Bible has lots of books written by lots of authors over a long period of time.

(2) Through centuries of vigorous apologetics we've been able to forge a more or less coherent plot for the whole Bible.

(3) It is beyond human ability for so many authors over so long a time to write so many books from which we could hammer such a plot.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNLIKE OTHER RELIGIONS (I), a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM SACRIFICE

(1) The Bible said Jesus died for our sins.

(2) No other religious text describes a god that died for our sins!

(3) Osiris, Mithra, Ishtar, Hercules, Horus, Perseus, Bacchus, Tammuz, Hermes, and Prometheus? Never heard of them!

(4) Therefore, [the Christian] God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNLIKE OTHER RELIGIONS (II), a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM JESUS' RESURRECTION

(1) The Bible said Jesus rose from the dead.

(2) No other religious text describes a god that rose from the dead!

(3) All those other resurrected saviors? Never heard of them!

(4) Therefore, [the Christian] God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BRUTE FORCE

(1) [Christian tears Darwin Fish off car, breaks it into pieces, sticks it to driver's side window.]

(2) Therefore, the Theory of Evolution is wrong.

(3) Therefore, creationism is right.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TROY

(1) There is little archeological evidence for the events in Exodus.

(2) But look at Troy! It was discovered when people thought the Iliad was only a story! So who knows if there would be a time evidence for Exodus was discovered?

(3) Therefore the Exodus actually happened.

(4) Therefore the Bible is true.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BIBLICAL PROPHECY (I)

(1) The book of Daniel made some prophecies.

(2) A prophecy was later fulfilled by other records in the Book of Daniel.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SHAME

(1) The Bible showed a group of people performing embarassing actions.

(2) It must be true if the book describes negative events.

(3) Therefore, the Bible is describing historical events.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EQUAL VALUE (PC ARGUMENT II)

(1) Evolution and the scientific worldview is a worldview. Similarly, the biblical worldview is a worldview.

(2) You are not discriminating against our worldview are you?

(3) The Biblical worldview is as good as the scientific worldview.

(4) Therefore, God exists. LIBERALS' ARGUMENT FROM MODERATION

(1) The Creationist side occupies an extreme side of the spectrum.

(2) Similarly, the atheist side occupies another extreme side of the spectrum.

(3) The liberals are in between.

(4) Therefore, the liberal position on God is the most correct.

(5) Therefore, God exists. JACK CHICK'S ARGUMENT FROM COMICS

(1) I have all these cool Jesus comics.

(2) I also think that guy called Eternal is smart with all those great arguments.

(3) Those comics sure convinced me!

(4) Therefore, God exists. HENRY MORRIS' ARGUMENT FROM EVIDENTIAL ASSERTION

(1) God exists.

(2) Therefore all physical evidence (fossil record etc.) must show this.

(3) Therefore it does.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF MEANNESS

(1) If God didn't exist, it would be mean of him to make me believe he did!

(2) God isn't mean.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WE ALL GOT FAITH

(1) We all believe in something.

(2) Therefore we all have faith.

(3) My faith in God is no different from your faith that the sun will rise tomorrow morning.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COOLNESS

(1) That's really cool.

(2) God must have done that.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WTC

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (III)

(1) Terrorists destroyed the WTC, killing thousands.

(2) An intact Bible was found in the ruins.

(3) No, wait, it turns out it was a dictionary.

(4) Oh well, God exists anyway. PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS' ARGUMENT FROM COLLEGE FUNDING

(1) You believe in God.

(2) If I ever find out that you don't believe in God, you won't get any money for college!

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SNOWFLAKES

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (V)

(1) Out of 3,300 pictures of snow-crystals catalogued no two are exactly alike. Each has 6 points crossing at a 60 degree angle. If one is like a fern it has 6 out-pointing leaves; if like a windmill, it has 6 sails; if like a starfish, 6 ribs; or if like a fir tree, 6 stems with plumes set in perfect symmetry. This makes 3 distinct triangles to each flake. The Hebrew word for snow equals 333 (Hebrew letters stand for numbers).

(2) Could it not be that God has set His symbol of the Triune God in each flake? The average snow storm produces about 1000 billion crystals.

(3) Only an intelligent being could design so many forms.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CUSTODY

(1) We have legal custody of your son.

(2) If you don't act as though the Christian God exists, then we won't let you see him.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FIDEISM

a.k.a. MARTIN GARDNER'S ARGUMENT

(1) Atheists are absolutely right. There is no logical reason to believe God exists.

(2) But He makes me feel good anyway.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PEPPER'S PHILOSOPHY CLASS

a.k.a. THE ENERGY ARGUMENT

(1) Things that exist have energy.

(2) Energy is alive.

(3) All living things are made from energy.

(4) God is made from energy.

(5) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM A BAD TRIP

(1) I went to a party and took LSD.

(2) I saw demons attacking me.

(3) Then Jesus came and drove the demons away.

(4) So I joined the Assemblies of God.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM A GOOD TRIP

(1) I went to a party and took LSD.

(2) I saw God and Jesus, and they love me.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM STUPIDITY

(1) I am stupid.

(2) God made man in his own image.

(3) There are all horrible disasters going around the world.

(4) God is omnipotent in power.

(5) God is too stupid to do anything about these things.

(6) Therefore, God exists. THE BORG'S ARGUMENT FROM STAR TREK

(1) Resistance is futile.

(2) You will be assimilated.

(3) All your salvations belong to us.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PRAYER (II)

(1) When I pray, either it comes true or God has a better plan.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN DEMOCRACY

(1) God would never allow a non-Christian to become president.

(2) There has never been a non-Christian president.

(3) Washington, Jefferson, John Adams, Madison, and Lincoln? They said some things that kind of sounded like Christian statements.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PAIN AVOIDANCE

(1) If I don't believe God exists, I'll go to Hell.

(2) Please don't hurt me.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MOUNTAINS

(1) People used to think gods lived on Mt. Olympus.

(2) We've climbed Mt. Olympus and there were no gods there.

(3) Therefore, pagan gods are false.

(4) Therefore, the Christian God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FUZZY ANIMALS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (VI)

(1) Bunnies are cute.

(2) Cuteness is not an evolutionary advantage.

(3) Therefore, cuteness must have been designed.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN POLITICAL EXPEDIENCY

(1) The vast majority of the Americans believe in God.

(2) I'll get elected if I believe in God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. W'S ARGUMENT FROM PRESIDENTIAL IGNORANCE

(1) If I ask God to blesserize Texas, nobody'll mess with it.

(2) Nobody messes with Texas.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COINCIDENCE

(1) We were driving home with our youth pastor when it started to rain really hard outside.

(2) We pulled over to the side of the road, joined hands and asked gawd to deliver us home safely.

(3) We arrived home safely.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COMPUTERS

(1) I tried to delete a copy of the TEN COMMANDMENTS from my computer. It would not have mattered as I had another copy on file.

(2) Still the computer malfunctioned.

(3) The computer had more sense than atheists who made it.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INVISIBILITY

(1) God is invisible.

(2) I can't see God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM RAIN

a.k.a. PERCHANCE'S SISTER'S ARGUMENT (III)

(1) I wanted it to be a sunny day.

(2) I prayed it wouldn't rain.

(3) We had two thunderstorms.

(4) Obviously, God didn't want to answer my prayer.

(5) Of course not! What a selfish thing to pray for! How dare I try to compel God to my selfish desires!

(6) The rain was God's punishment for my selfish desires.

(7) Therefore, God exists. METACROCK'S ARGUMENT FOR GOD (I)

(1) I have a philosophy degree.

(2) Your knowledge in philosophy is paltry in comparison to mine.

(3) Therefore you are unable to comprehend my intense philosophical proofs of God's existence.

(4) Therefore, God exists. METACROCK'S ARGUMENT FOR GOD (II)

(1) I created the term "arbitrary necessity".

(2) It is a golden principle and applies to whatever I say it does.

(3) I say an eternal universe is an arbitrary necessity.

(4) Therefore, God exists. BEN FRANKLIN'S ARGUMENT FROM BEER (I)

(1) "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

(2) Beer exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BEER (II)

(1) Christian: Whatever you believe in is your god.

(2) Atheist: I believe I'll have another beer.

(3) Ha ha.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MONKEYS

(1) If man came from monkeys, there shouldn't be any more monkeys.

(2) There are still monkeys.

(3) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM C.S. LEWIS

(1) C.S. Lewis had a lot of good arguments in favor of Christianity ... at least that’s what all my Christian friends tell me.

(2) C.S. Lewis wrote some popular books too!

(3) So anything C.S. Lewis said must be right!

(4) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNIVERSAL DESTRUCTION

(1) I woke up this morning and found that the universe still exists.

(2) Therefore, its destruction was averted by God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DEAD FIREFIGHTERS

(1) All those dead firefighters were blessed by a Catholic priest before they gave their lives.

(2) For people they didn't even know!

(3) Yes, they were TOO mostly Catholics!

(4) I just know!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TODD BEAMER

(1) Todd Beamer prayed "Our Father" with a switchboard operator after his flight was hijacked.

(2) Todd Beamer was a hero.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FALWELL

(1) Jerry Falwell said some really stupid things after September 11th.

(2) Then he apologized!

(3) He was inspired by God to repent!

(4) No, it had nothing to do with the public outcry!

(5) Why? Because God told me so!

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNNAMED SCIENTISTS (I)

(1) Some famous scientists believed in God.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FLOWERS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (VII)

(1) That flower is pretty.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INSTRUMENTATION

(1) You are an atheist.

(2) You did something kind.

(3) You are an instrument of God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM QUANTUM PHYSICS

(1) Quantum physics uses an uncertainty principle.

(2) There is room for God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE 2nd LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS (I)

(1) The Second Law of Thermodynamics says that a closed system tends to disorder.

(2) The universe is closed and ordered.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SONG

(1) The song "America the Beautiful" has the line "God shed his grace on thee."

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM APOLOGETICS WEBPAGES

(1) I was surfing the Net and came across this really cool webpage of apologetics.

(2) Their arguments were stunning. I couldn't refute them.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COMFORT

(1) All kinds of people have found comfort in religion.

(2) That means there must be something there to give comfort to them.

(3) Therefore, God exists. BILL O'REILLY'S ARGUMENT (I)

(1) Atheism is challenging this country's Christian roots!

(2) We are Christians!

(3) We will make a big stink about this, and not let atheists win!

(4) We will win because God is on our side!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EXISTENTIAL LONELINESS

(1) This can't be all there is to existence.

(2) I mean it's so horrible, pointless, brutal and nasty.

(3) It's all so depressing.

(4) I'm lonely.

(5) There has to be something else out there.

(6) I mean it, there just has to be.

(7) THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE OUT THERE!

(8) ARRGGGG!!! THERE JUST HAS TO BE!!!!

(9) God! He can be out there for me.

(10) I'm not so lonely now!

(11) Yay!

(12) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SINS I LIKE

a.k.a. PERCHANCE'S SISTER'S ARGUMENT (IV)

(1) I don't like abortion.

(2) But this is just my opinion.

(3) I want my opinion backed up with facts.

(4) But in the absence of facts, morals will do.

(5) Christians say abortion is a sin! Yeah! I have allies!

(6) But for a sin to exist and Christians to be right, God must exist.

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN SOLIPSISM

(1) Nothing but Jesus is real.

(2) See #1.

(3) Therefore, God exists. The ARGUMENT FROM THE THRONE ROOM

(1) Would you stand in the presence of a mighty king and demand that he prove he exists?

(2) No?

(3) That's what you're doing with God, you arrogant bastards.

(4) I don't CARE that you can't see him!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF IMAGINATION

(1) I couldn't imagine not believing in God.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WOW

(1) When I look into the sky and see all the pretty stars, all those galaxies...

(2) Wow.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ARMCHAIR PSYCHOANALYSIS

(1) You say there's no God?

(2) Ah, someone calling themselves Christian must have really hurt you in the past.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN EXPERTS ARE IGNORED

(1) Dembski, Behe and Plantinga are ignored by mainstream intellectuals.

(2) Only a fear of the truth could explain this.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN EXPERTS ARE NOT IGNORED

(1) Mainstream intellectuals are paying some attention to Dembski, Behe and Plantinga.

(2) Only a growing recognition of the truth could explain this.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COUNTERFACTUAL EVIDENCE

(1) You claim the evidence for Jesus' divinity is non-existent.

(2) But if there were lots of evidence, you would still not be convinced.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNSEEN MIRACLES

(1) Atheists wouldn't believe in God even if He showed up and performed a miracle for them.

(2) See! There was a miracle right over there! Didn't you see it?

(3) No?

(4) You must be an atheist. Therefore, you cannot see miracles.

(5) But miracles happen. You just can't see them.

(6) Likewise, God exists. You just can't see Him, because you are so determined not to.

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WIND

(1) You believe in wind.

(2) But you can't see it.

(3) God's the same way.

(4) It IS TOO analogous!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WARREN ROBINETT

(1) There's a secret message in the video game "Adventure."

(2) It reveals that the game was created by Warren Robinett.

(3) It's the same way with the world.

(4) Look for the secret messages, and you will find the world's Creator.

(5) Therefore, God Exists. GOODY2SHOES' ARGUMENT FROM OFFENSIVENESS

(1) You keep making statements that I think are generalizations, hypocritical, and bigoted.

(2) I will only agree to stay if you stop that.

(3) [Non-believer tries to be non-offensive.]

(4) You're still offending me because of [insert random statement here].

(5) [Non-believer rereads her posts before posting, posting when she thinks she is not being offensive.]

(6) I'm offended!

(7) [Non-believer tears her hair out trying to figure out how to be non-offensive.]

(8) This conversation is just the two of us. I think we should stop this conversation.

(9) [Non-believer figures 'Fuck it' and posts what she really thinks.]

(10) WOW! WHAT A BIGOT! I'm leaving!

(11) I have a spiritual victory.

(12) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MULTIPLICITY (II)

a.k.a. TERCEL'S ARGUMENT (II)

(1) I have a large number of arguments for God.

(2) There is a small chance that at least one of them is true.

(3) Using voodoo probability calculations, this means that there is a much greater chance that all of them are true taken together!

(4) And this ISN'T just the mathematical version of the Ontological Proof; I'm a real mathematician and you obviously can't understand this proof because you don't know as much about math as I do.

(5) Oh, and don't confuse things by mentioning how many atheistic arguments there are, and the probability of each of them being correct...

(6) Or the fact that I basically pulled the probability of each of my arguments being correct out of my ass...

(7) And admit that I know more about math than you, and you'll see that...

(8) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES

(1) One time, I was in deep emotional pain.

(2) I prayed to God, and felt His presence.

(3) You aren't going to deny my emotional pain, are you?

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ABUSING THE BODY

(1) One time, I fasted for three days straight, prayed on my knees for hours, and didn't sleep, either.

(2) At the end of that time, God answered me.

(3) You see, you just have to mortify the flesh and accept the things of the spirit in order to meet God.

(4) No, there is no possibility that it was a hallucination!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ECSTASY (I) (used by a number of saints)

(1) I woke up last night with a feeling of indescribable pleasure and joy.

(2) It couldn't have been sexual; I'm holy and never have thoughts like those.

(3) So the ecstasy must have come from God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FEELING LOVE ALL AROUND

a.k.a. PERCHANCE'S SISTER'S ARGUMENT (V)

(1) I can just feel love all around me. I know the world is a good place, that people are essentially good, and that that comes from God.

(2) I don't know how I know. It's just there. You've never felt it?

(3) I don't know how I know. Stop pestering me!

(4) [Sheds tears until nasty non-believer goes away.]

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MUSIC / ART

(1) You like classical music.

(2) Classical composers wrote for God.

(3) [Non-believer points out that they had to compose for the Church or they would have been executed.]

(4) But they wrote for God and you like the music.

(5) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM SADISM (I)

(1) I enjoy beating children.

(2) I find some justification for it in the Bible.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SADISM (II)

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM MISOGYNY

(1) I enjoy treating women like dirt. It makes me feel powerful.

(2) I find some justification for it in the Bible.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE BIBLE (II)

(1) The Bible says the Bible is true.

(2) Therefore the Bible is true.

(3) The Bible says God exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. WILLIAM JAMES' ARGUMENT

(1) We should give people the benefit of the doubt.

(2) When someone says God exists, we should believe them.

(3) A lot of people say God exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. PASCAL'S ARGUMENT

a.k.a. PASCAL'S WAGER (I)

(1) If God exists, it would be really cool. (And I would win big-time.)

(2) If God didn't exist, it would really suck. (But I wouldn't lose much.)

(3) Thus I should believe in God because it's the best bet.

(4) Other gods? Never heard of them.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BIBLICAL PRESERVATION

(1) The Bible hasn't changed much since it was written.

(2) Therefore everything in it must be true.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BIBLICAL PROPHECY (II)

(1) Jesus clearly fulfilled all the prophecies of the Jews.

(2) I don't care if many stories were created to fulfill prophecy.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM STEWARDSHIP

(1) God gave us the earth to take care of.

(2) We take care of it.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE 2nd LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS (II)

(1) All systems become chaotic.

(2) The Universe, too, will become chaotic.

(3) Only God can keep the Universe orderly.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNICORNS

(1) Unicorns don't exist, especially invisible pink ones.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE MEANING OF LIFE (I)

(1) What's the meaning of life?

(2) [Atheist gives her answer.]

(3) That's not what I believe.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LOGIC

(1) There are some things in logic that you can't logically demonstrate.

(2) Therefore you have to take them on faith.

(3) Your faith in logic is the same as my faith in God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. VELIKOVSKY'S ARGUMENT

(1) If you twist the details enough, you can make a case for Venus or a comet causing the biblical catastrophes.

(2) Therefore the Bible is true.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CAN'T-BE-A-RACIST

(1) Martin Luther King, Jr. believed in God.

(2) I don't think you want to say Dr. King was a fool, do you?

(3) That's what I thought.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM JESUS’ TORTURE

(1) No one ever, ever suffered as much as Jesus did on the cross.

(2) No, not the victims of the Inquisition.

(3) No, not the women burned at the stake or hanged as witches.

(4) No, not all the people who died thinking they were going to Hell!!!

(5) Who but God would suffer like that for us ungrateful, unworthy humans?

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SEVERABILITY

a.k.a. THE TRUE SCOTSMAN ARGUMENT

(1) Lots of ridiculous statements are made by people who only claim to be Real Christians.

(2) They just give Real Christians a bad name.

(3) Real Christians don't believe <insert Biblical reference> is literally true.

(4) But that doesn't mean the Bible isn't still mostly true.

(5) And the Bible is the Word of God.

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BECAUSE

(1) Because.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ELABORATED ARGUMENT FROM BECAUSE

(1) Because.

(2) Because why?

(3) Because!

(4) Therefore, God exists. TAFFY LEWIS' ARGUMENT FROM "LET'S JUST BELIEVE"

(1) All belief systems should be treated the same as the scientific one.

(2) Non-believer: Why?

(3) Because they have their own grounds.

(4) Anyway, that's my experience of how the world works.

(5) Non-believer: It's not mine. And why should you treat claims of unicorns less seriously than claims of gods?

(6) I don't believe there are unicorns.

(7) But I believe there are gods.

(8) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNIQUE EXISTENCE

(1) God exists but not in a way that anything else that exists exists.

(2) Since there are no other things that exist as God exists, we are free to make up things about God's state of existence that ensure his continued non-observability

(3) Therefore, God exists. TAFFY LEWIS' ARGUMENT FROM POSITIVE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE

(1) More people have had positive religious experiences in the context of Western theism.

(2) Therefore, God is kind, just, and all-loving.

(3) [non-believer: What about the people who have had negative experiences? Or experiences of God's non-existence?]

(4) They don't count.

(5) Therefore, God is just the way I describe him to be.

(5a) Oh, yeah. And God exists. ARGUMENT FROM RIGHTS

(1) The Declaration of Independence founded the U.S.

(2) Therefore, the Declaration of Independence is true.

(3) The Declaration of Independence says that our rights are "endowed by our Creator."

(4) George W. agrees with this.

(5) You have rights, don't you???

(6) Well where the f*** do you think they came from???

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FUTURE EVIDENCE (I)

(1) Look, I realize that it doesn't seem to make sense that there would logically be a God.

(2) However, I know He's real, and that in the future I think that maybe something will happen probably that will show you all.

(3) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM POSTULATE

(1) To fully understand the following demonstration, you must first assume that God exists.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM POOR TYPING SKILLS

(1) In tihs essae ill demnstrate that gOd exsits in a way tat's so sure thatno athesit can PSOosibly reftue. J will firts dwmonsrtate waht we canaSSUme fo rGod exisnce,,then how wwe can refute anya rgument wihch pretends teh contrrary to eb true,tehn wel'l expose scinetific evidnece thatGod eeexists then we'll cnolcude. yOU will fnid an acurate&up6to6date bibliography no teh page 43 of tihs essay;i Sugegst yu to pritn iths doculent for a mroe confortable raeding.

(2) [Atheist doesn't bother to read it.]

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNTRANSLATED OLD FRENCH

(1) Mais pourceque j'avois déjà connu en moi très clairement que la nature intelligente est distincte de la corporelle; considérant que toute composition témoigne de la dépendance, et que la dépendance est manifestement un défaut, je jugeois de là que ce ne pouvoit être une perfection en Dieu d'être composé de ces deux natures, et que par conséquent il ne l'étoit pas; mais que s'il y avoit quelques corps dans le monde, ou bien quelques intelligences ou autres natures qui ne fussent point toutes parfaites, leur être devoit dépendre de sa puissance, en telle sorte quelles ne pouvoient subsister sans lui un seul moment. — René Descartes,Discours de la Méthode

(2) How could you possibly refute that?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CLEVER USE OF VOCABULARY

(1) Many atheists will not be convinced by an argument with "Therefore, God exists" as its conclusion.

(2) Consequently, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM IGNORANCE

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL INCREDULITY (IV)

(1) I don't understand evolution; I mean how could there be nothing then something?

(2) (Well-informed atheist gives articulate explanation of evolution and gently explains that the beginning of the universe has nothing to do with evolution.)

(3) Well it seems way too complicated and unlikely to me. Plus I don't want to live my life thinking I evolved from a monkey.

(4) Therefore, God exists and Jesus died for our sins.

(5) (Atheist argues that theist's ignorance of evolution does not logically lead to the conclusion that there is a god, let alone the Christian god.)

(6) Says you! God bless.

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHURCH

(1) Lots of people go to church.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PHOTO-OP

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE (II)

(1) A couple of godless commie federal judges ruled the 1954 inclusion of "under God" in the Pledge unconstitutional.

(2) Almost immediately thereafter, the whole U.S. Senate recited the Pledge, including "under God," on the Capitol steps.

(3) The Senators' conduct was not — I repeat, NOT — mere political posturing and/or vote whoring.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DEFENESTRATION

(1) If God exists, then He will protect me if I jump out this third story window.

(2) However, you will not be so fortunate, unsaved heathen!

(3) *shove*

(4) See! God didn't protect you, just like I predicted! Any counterarguments, heathen?

(5) No? Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MUSHROOMS

(1) This pizza tastes funny.

(2) That purple llama on the ceiling is juggling chainsaws.

(3) Purple llamas can't juggle chainsaws.

(4) It must be a miracle!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FALSE MYTHOLOGY

(1) The old religions were myths and were wrong.

(2) And, they didn't believe in the same god as me.

(3) Therefore, I must be right.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ACCUSATION

(1) The Bible says that everyone knows God exists.

(2) Therefore, YOU know that God exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NOT-BELIEVING

(1) The New Testament says people like you would question us.

(2) You question us.

(3) Therefore the Bible is true.

(4) Therefore, God exists. RAY COMFORT'S ARGUMENT FROM BANANAS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (VIII)

(1) Bananas have many characteristics that make them attractive as primate food.

(2) They couldn't be used by women for that!

(3) They're so good that they must have been designed, just like Coke cans.

(4) Therefore, God exists. PAT ROBERTSON'S ARGUMENT FROM METEORS a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM HOMOSEXUALITY (I)

(1) God hates gay people.

(2) God is merciful.

(3) Disney World held a Gay Day parade.

(4) God could punish Disney World by sending hurricanes, earthquakes, and possibly a meteor to Florida.

(5) God didn't, thus proving both postulates 1 and 2.

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COAL MINERS (I)

(1) A bunch of miners got trapped.

(2) A bunch of people worked around the clock for a week to rescue them.

(3) They were all found alive.

(4) It must have been a miracle!

(5) Only God could have done that.

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COAL MINERS (II)

a.k.a. YOU ONLY HEAR FROM THE SURVIVORS (I)

(1) A bunch of miners got trapped.

(2) A bunch of people worked hard to rescue them.

(3) One was found alive.

(4) He thanked God for his survival.

(5) Only God could have done that.

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AIRPLANE CRASH

a.k.a. YOU ONLY HEAR FROM THE SURVIVORS (II)

(1) An airplane I was on crashed, killing most passengers.

(2) I survived!

(3) It was a MIRACLE!

(4) Only God could have done that.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM YOUTH GROUP MINISTER

(1) God is awesome!

(2) Like, totally, dude!

(3) Therefore, God, like, exists and stuff. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL INABILITY

(1) The Bible says Jesus turned water into wine.

(2) Can you turn water into wine?

(3) No? Well there ya go.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL ABILITY

(1) I prayed to God, and then lifted a car off my trapped puppy.

(2) I couldn't have done that without God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE OPPOSITION

(1) Satan is bad.

(2) You don't want to be on Satan's side, do you?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE OPPOSITION AS USED BY A YOUTH GROUP MINISTER

(1) Satan really sucks, dude.

(2) You don't wanna, like, be like Satan, right dude?

(3) Therefore God, like, exists and stuff. Totally. ARGUMENT FROM BUFFALO

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (IX)

(1) The Indians used every part of the buffalo.

(2) A creature we can use every part of couldn't have just randomly evolved!

(3) It had to be created specifically for us!

(4) Therefore, God exists (and spent his early years churning out buffalo). ARGUMENT FROM DENTAL OPPORTUNITY

(1) Bite me.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DENTAL OPPORTUNITY ACCEPTED

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (IV)

(1) Bite me.

(2) OW! YOU BIT ME!

(3) I'm being persecuted!!

(4) Therefore, God exists! ARGUMENT FROM NEW AGEYNESS

(1) If enough people just believe, God will exist.

(2) Lots of people have been believing for a very long time.

(3) Therefore, surely by NOW, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ROUNDNESS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (X)

(1) Isn't it amazing how perfectly round the planets are?

(2) Someone sure must have been in control of that "Big Bang" in order for them to shape up like that!

(3) Just place a stick of dynamite under a huge rock. You'll see that the explosion does not produce perfectly round smaller rocks.

(optional)

(3a) Atheist: The planets are round because of gravity.

(3b) But who made gravity?!?!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FAITH EQUIVALENCY

(1) You have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow, don't you?

(2) See! Atheists have faith too!

(3) Therefore, belief in science is just another faith. (4) Just like I have faith in God and Jesus.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM IMPLIED BEAUTY

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (XI)

(1) If you evolved, you'd be pretty ugly.

(2) Look how beautiful you are, and the world that is around you.

(3) Only God could have made you so beautiful.

(4) I don't care that beauty is totally subjective, you are beautiful in God's eyes!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BRAINWASHING

(1) Atheists claim Christians have been brainwashed by churches.

(2) We can just as easily say that they have been brainwashed by secular colleges and universities in their futile thinking and secular reasoning.

(3) Your brainwashing keeps you from the Truth.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COMMUNISM

(1) All communists are atheists.

(2) All communists are bad; haven't you watched the 6 o'clock news?

(3) Therefore they are wrong.

(4) Since the moral majority is theist and non-communist they are good.

(5) Therefore they are right.

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GOOD AND BAD BEHAVIOR

(1) Sometimes I do good things and sometimes I do bad things.

(2) When I do something good this PROVES that God and my Guardian Angel are helping me to be good.

(3) Praise the Lord! Oh God help me to be strong and steadfast against temptation 'til I die so that You will not (in Your infinite mercy) send me to Hell.

(4) When I do something bad this PROVES that the Devil has tempted me to do EVIL.

(5) Whatever I do, it proves that either God or the Devil is real.

(6) If the Devil is real, then God is real.

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BEER (III)

(1) Real men like beer.

(2) God allowed real men to make beer.

(3) Therefore, God is real, and likes beer. ARGUMENT FROM TAXATION

(1) Churches don't pay taxes.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GOD'S PLAN

a.k.a. GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

(1) There is a plan in the world.

(2) The existence of this plan can be seen from the fact that things are the way they are.

(3) My belief is part of the plan, and so is your non-belief.

(4) [Atheist: Why?]

(5) The plan is too infinitely great for our minds to comprehend the "why."

(6) An infinitely great plan must have an infinitely great mind behind it.

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HAULING ASS

(1) [Theist creates message board account and logs in.]

(2) "GOD IS REEL AND ALL YOU HEATHEN ATHEIST INFEDILS WILL BERN IN HELL FORE-EVER MARK MY WERDS!!!!!!!!@#3FD"

(3) [Theist logs off and never returns.]

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BAPTIST BOARD,

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (V)

(1) God calls us to be a peculiar people.

(2) Stop laughing, foul non-believer.

(3) In order to preserve our own particular peculiarity —

(4) Stop laughing, I said.

(5) We must be a people apart.

(6) This means not listening to anyone who believes differently than we do, because this would taint our peculiarity.

(7) If you do not stop laughing —

(8) (Oh, I have to do the end of the argument?)

(9) Therefore, God exists.

(9a) And God especially exists because non-believers are laughing at us, which means we're persecuted, which means we're special.

(10) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENTUM AD TINKERTOYUM,

a.k.a. GOD OF THE GAPS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (XII)

(1) Take some tinkertoys and make several "creations".

(2) Take the creations apart and dump the pieces in a plastic bag.

(3) Shake the pieces up and dump them on the floor. Repeat as many times as you wish.

(4) The tinkertoys will never reassemble themselves into the original creations.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HOSPITAL

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM MIRACLES (II)

(1) A dear relative of mine was terminally ill and undergoing extensive surgery in the hospital.

(2) My whole family sat outside the O.R. and prayed through the entire eight hours of surgery.

(3) He lived.

(4) No, the highly trained physicians had nothing to do with it, unbeliever!

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WEIRD

(1) You look weird, atheist.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ALIENS

(1) I was once abducted by aliens.

(2) What we call aliens are really demons, the Bible says so.

(3) If demons exist, than so does God.

(4) You've seen the X-files, haven't you?

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM REVELATION

(1) God told me that he exists.

(2) God wouldn't lie.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FORCE (I)

(1) [Argument from atheist]

(2) [Theist shoots atheist.]

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NAZIISM (INVERSE-GODWIN)

(1) Hitler didn't establish a Christian theocracy.

(2) Therefore, Hitler was an atheist.

(3) Hitler was the worst leader possible.

(4) Therefore, all atheists are bad people.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNCONSCIOUS THEISM

(1) Atheists think the universe created life.

(2) Well, they should if they thought about it really, really hard.

(3) But only a God can create life.

(4) So atheists should believe in God, if they weren't so dumb.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COMMUNICATION FROM GOD

(1) I had this incredible experience that could only be explained by a communication from God.

(2) Atheist says, "Couldn't there be a natural explanation?"

(3) No, I'm telling you there is no way this could be explained naturally.

(4) Atheist suggests alternate explanations q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y and z.

(5) No, none of those can explain it.

(6) Because they can't!

(7) Atheist is not convinced.

(8) How dare you deny my very special experience!

(9) Atheist tries to explain that she's only questioning the theist's interpretation of that experience, and not the claim that something special was experienced.

(10) You just don't want to believe that what I experienced is from God, because you are a closed-minded, dogmatic materialist!

(11) And also, you are a big meanie and I'm not talking to you anymore!

(12) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COLTRANE

(1) John Coltrane's "A Love Supreme" is dedicated to God.

(2) It's also full of passion.

(3) Atheists cannot explain Coltrane's passion in "A Love Supreme."

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GEORGE HARRISON

(1) George Harrison wrote "My Sweet Lord."

(2) It's one of the most beautiful pop songs ever, and one of the only pop songs devoted to God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BEING A CATHOLIC

(1) The pope believes in God.

(2) The pope is infallible.

(3) I am Catholic and like the pope.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GAME THEORY

a.k.a. PASCAL'S WAGER (II)

(1) Theist: (after lengthy explanation) Hence, pursuant to game theory, belief in an afterlife is the most sensible option.

(2) Atheist: Wait a minute. That's just Pascal's Wager dressed in different verbiage.

(3) Theist: Nuh uh!

(4) Therefore, God exists. "TRUE BECAUSE IT IS INCONSISTENT" ARGUMENT

(1) If the Bible were cooked up by some smooth-talking manipulative authors, it would have been perfect and seamless and without any apparent inconsistencies.

(2) But the Bible IS inconsistent, erroneous, and plain goofy at many places.

(3) So the Bible is NOT a product of some smooth-talking manipulative authors.

(4) Hence the Bible is the word of God.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BUZZWORDS

(1) As game theory clearly shows, the irreducibly complex nature of the universe indicates probabilistic fine-tuning at the quantum level and renders God logically necessary.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (I)

(1) Things hurt.

(2) Atheists think that things aren't supposed to hurt.

(3) They really are whiney, aren't they?

(4) Christians are stronger than that.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (II)

(1) Some things hurt a lot.

(2) Atheists think that things aren't supposed to hurt.

(3) But since they can't derive "ought" from "is," their belief presupposes the existence of God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. EXISTENTIAL ARGUMENT FROM EVIL / ARGUMENT FROM POWER / ARGUMENT FROM GUNS (I)

(1) I have a gun.

(2) [Atheist: "Ouch!!!"]

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM RELIGIOUS DIVERSITY

(1) Atheists think that the differences in religions disproves God's existence.

(2) Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

(3) Everyone knows that you must accept Jesus Christ in order to be saved.

(4) Well, everyone who matters, anyway.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM RELIGIOUS LANGUAGE

(1) God exists.

(2) Therefore, when I talk about God or related concepts, these words denote something.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INDIGENOUS FOLKS

(1) Most indigenous folks all over the world started believing in gods independently.

(2) Belief in God is thus natural.

(3) Atheist: Many indigenous folks started eating each other, also independently.

(4) The Christian god forbids eating our fellow humans.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM STUPID CATS

(1) Look at this cat.

(2) Cats are stupid and cannot believe in God. Only humans can.

(3) Belief in God is something human.

(4) You are human, right?

(5) Therefore, God exits. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (I)

(1) Science is always true.

(2) Science says that there is a vanishingly small chance that all of this could have happened on its own.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (II)

(1) Science is not always true.

(2) Therefore there is room for religious faith.

(3) Therefore, God exists. LUVLUV'S ARGUMENT FROM THE PAIN PLAN

(1) Things hurt.

(2) Things hurting are part of God's plan.

(3) A lot of the good things in life only come through suffering.

(4) This is necessary to achieve God's plan.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GUNS (II)

(1) I have a gun.

(2) In fact, we have a lot more guns than you do.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MONTY PYTHON

(1) Graham Chapman appeared in a film that made fun of Jesus.

(2) Graham Chapman died of a horrible, incurable disease.

(3) Therefore, God exists.

(3a) And has no sense of humor. ARGUMENT FROM WAR

(1) War is hell.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ELVIS (ADAPTED FROM A CHURCH SIGN)

(1) Some people call Elvis the King.

(2) But we know Jesus is King.

(3) Even non-believers can have a glimpse of wisdom.

(4) Therefore, God exists. LINGUAL ARGUMENT

(1) There's existence in nonexistence so...

(2) God exists even if he doesn't.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE POWERS

(1) God’s existence must be the work of God.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM OPPRESSION (RELATED TO THE VARIOUS ARGUMENTS FROM OFFENSIVENESS)

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist asks any one of various questions, or even just starts to ask them.]

(3) Are you saying that God doesn't exist?

(4) You're oppressing me! You're depriving me of the right to believe in God if I want to!

(5) Oppression is bad.

(6) Therefore, you are bad.

(7) Therefore, you must be wrong.

(8) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WHEAT

(1) A grain of wheat will always fall to the ground and the outer shell “dies”.

(2) But see, eventually the grain will grow into a fuller, more vital form.

(3) Hey, that's kinda like the Resurrection!

(4) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM WARM AND FUZZY THINGS

(1) When I was an atheist, I didn't have any warm & fuzzy things in my life.

(2) I really like warm & fuzzy things.

(3) If the Christian God exists, lots of warm & fuzzy things are true because all these really smart theists say so.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

(5) Old Testament? Never heard of it. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (II)

(1) Everything was fine until man created science.

(2) Therefore, God exists. GEORGE W. BUSH'S ARGUMENT FROM AMERICA

(1) God bless America.

(2) You're either with us or against us, remember.

(3) Therefore, God exists. KARL MARX'S ARGUMENT FROM MASSIVE OPIATES

(1) Got to keep the public distracted.

(2) Therefore, God exists. KING JOSIAH'S ARGUMENT

(1) Time to expand my kingdom.

(2) Therefore, (my) God exists. ASHCROFT'S ARGUMENT

(1) I say God exists.

(2) I could have you locked up, you know.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "IT'S MY BALL AND YOU CAN'T PLAY"

(1) There is abundant logical and empirical evidence that God does not exist.

(2) There is no evidence that God does exist.

(3) But God plays by completely different rules.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DISCOMFORT

(1) I am happy, believing in God.

(2) Then you come along and say all this nasty stuff to take my happiness away.

(3) *sniff*... *sniff*... why are you making me uncomfortable?

(4) Anyone who makes other people uncomfortable must be different. And bad. And ignorant.

(5) Daddy will hug me!

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ARTIFACT

(1) Archeologists found the remains of a boat from Jesus' time.

(2) So the Bible is true.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LITTLE BABIES (I)

(1) Sometimes a bad person hurts little babies because he doesn't have a happy life.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LITTLE BABIES (II)

(1) Sometimes little babies are different from one another; how could you explain that?!

(2) Like, one will be really happy, and another will be sad. Sometimes even twins.

(3) This proves the existence of the soul.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM A VIDEO I WATCHED WITH MY DAD

(1) Me and my dad watched this video where the Virgin Mary appeared on a building in Egypt. No, it was kinda blurry...lots of people saw it though and they were pointing at it.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WHAT YEAR IT IS

(1) The years of our calendar are dated from the birth of Christ.

(2) Therefore, atheists can't even live without making reference to Christ.

(3) Obviously, atheists really can't live apart from God, even though they say they can.

(4) I never heard of any god references for months or days of the week.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GOD-CENTRISM

(1) Everything revolves around God, even Earth and the sun.

(2) Therefore, even atheists are revolving around God!

(3) Silly, aren't they, to deny the truth?

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNKNOWN QUALITIES

(1) God has qualities we mere humans can't possibly know.

(2) This answers all atheistic arguments.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FORGIVING MISGUIDEDNESS

(1) Theist: X, Y, and Z all prove God's love for mankind. This love proves he exists.

(2) Atheist: But I can refute X, Y, Z and unsaid arguments A, B, and C...

(3) Theist: Don't worry, you're wrong and your questioning of God will send you to hell; but he loves you and I forgive you your arrogance.

(4) Atheist: But you haven't said anything rational.

(5) Theist: Jesus/God *loves* you. Duh. Therefore, God exists.

(6) Repeat (1) - (5) ad infinitum. ARGUMENT FROM FEELING GOD'S PRESENCE

(1) Atheists just haven't truly felt God's presence yet.

(2) If they had ever felt God's presence, they would not be atheists.

(3) Theists have truly felt God's presence.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WHAT MAKES SENSE

(1) Doesn't it just make more sense that an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good deity created the world out of nothingness, from magic, essentially, and then punished us for eating a piece of fruit, and then incarnated himself in human flesh and came down to shed his own blood so he could break his own rules, and then went through hell on a temporary basis and then went back into the sky and promised to come back and take everyone who believed in him to this heaven no one has ever seen?

(2) Well, doesn't it?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM WHAT MAKES SENSE, ADDENDUM

(1) Atheist: No it doesn't.

(2) Theist: See, you're confusing the issue again! Think simple and sensible!

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN (I)

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (VI)

(1) Scientific American published an article that shows creationism is nonsense.

(2) The first editor of Scientific American was a Christian.

(3) Therefore, whoever wrote that article is a traitor and a liar.

(4) Besides, Scientific American didn't hire a creationist in the 70s, so they're obviously trying to persecute Christians.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN (II)

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (VII)

(1) Answers in Genesis copied the full text of an article from Scientific American.

(2) Scientific American sent one email to Answers in Genesis saying that they don't necessarily want their articles distributed for free in the internet by just anyone.

(3) See? Scientific American persecutes Christians!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PEPPERED MOTHS

(1) Science textbooks still use the "peppered moths" to prove evolution.

(2) Atheist says that he has never seen a textbook which claims anything of the sort, in fact the only place he hears about peppered moths is from creationist websites.

(3) Obviously the atheist has no clue what he's talking about then.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GOD IS LIKE A RADIO SIGNAL

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM AUDITORY HALLUCINATIONS

(1) There are many radio signals floating around your head all the time.

(2) God is one of them.

(3) You just have to listen to the right signal.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AGNOSTICISM IN INDIA

(1) [Non-believer asks if the theist would still call his religious experiences Christian if he had been raised in another country.]

(2) Would you call your agnostic experiences agnostic if you had been raised in India?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BESTSELLERDOM

(1) The Bible is the best-selling work in history.

(2) Now, just because it's popular doesn't mean it's the Word of God.

(3) But there's not much evidence to suggest it's not.

(4) [sound of non-believer spitting milk out her nose]

(5) Therefore, God exists. JOSH MCDOWELL'S MODIFIED TRILEMMA ARGUMENT

(1) Jesus was either lord, liar, or lunatic.

(2) Can you PROVE He was a liar or lunatic?

(3) Therefore, Jesus was Lord.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ANARCHY

(1) There has to be an objective truth to the universe, and humans have to be able to access it.

(2) Otherwise, there would be anarchy everywhere.

(3) No courts or governments or anything.

(4) [Non-believer falls out of her chair from laughing so hard.]

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE RIGHT

(1) God saves the king/queen.

(2) The king/queen hasn't died.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SQUARE CIRCLES

(1) There is no such thing as a square circle.

(2) God is not a square circle.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DICTATORSHIP

(1) Dictators do not believe in God.

(2) Dictators are wrong.

(3) Therefore, God exists. MARTIN LUTHER'S ARGUMENT FROM TERROR

(1) The lightning storm filled me with the terror of God's wrath.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MEANING (II)

(1) Nothing has meaning without God.

(2) I mean...

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MEANING (III)

(1) Without God, life has no ultimate meaning and purpose.

(2) My life has to have meaning and purpose.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM RIGHT AND WRONG (I)

(1) Without God, there is no no ultimate right and wrong.

(2) I want there to be ultimate right and wrong, so I don't have to decide.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DOSTOEVSKY, a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM RIGHT AND WRONG (II))

(1) If God does not exist, everything is permitted.

(2) I can't accept that.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DESTINY

(1) Without God, there is no no ultimate destiny and my destiny is dust.

(2) I can't accept that because I want more.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SEMANTIC UNCERTAINTY

(1) Atheists can't quite agree on the exact definition of atheism.

(2) Therefore all atheists are wrong.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM TROUBLESOMENESS

(1) God really, really bothers me.

(2) Therefore, God exists. WAYSON'S ARGUMENT

(1) Scientists generally accept the theory of evolution.

(2) I don't.

(3) Therefore, they are lying or fabricating their data.

(4) Therefore, God Exists. ARGUMENT FROM NEGATIVE THEOLOGY, or THAT'S ONE REALLY BIG HOLE YOU'VE GOT THERE IN YOUR GROUND OF BEING

(1) We live in a world of pain and suffering.

(2) It seems that God is completely and utterly absent from our world.

(3) This complete and utter absence constitutes an infinite void.

(4) Only an infinite being could create the infinite void that we experience.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EXCESSIVE STUPIDITY

(1) Some people are smart enough to be able to live without belief in God.

(2) I am not intelligent enough to live without belief in God.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ALGEBRA

a.k.a. EULER'S ARGUMENT TO DIDEROT

(1) You don't understand algebra, right?

(2) (a+b^n)/n = x

(3) Therefore, God exists. (Donc Dieu existe.) ARGUMENT FROM RATIONALITY

a.k.a. PRESUPPOSITIONALIST or TRANSCENDENTAL (II)

(1) God is rational so, if God existed, the universe would be rational.

(2) But, if God didn't exist, the universe probably wouldn't be rational.

(3) So, if atheists were right, rationality wouldn't exist and they couldn't prove God's nonexistence with it.

(4) No, I'm not going to explain why God should be rational.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NAZI DECEPTION

(1) Hitler and his Nazis were atheists.

(2) Yes, they fooled a lot of people into thinking they were Christians. That was propaganda. They were atheists.

(3) This proves that atheists are the masters of deception.

(4) Revelation says that the antichrist will deceive people.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NAZI EVIL

(1) Hitler and his Nazis were atheists.

(2) I don't care what the historical evidence says about their being Christians. Christians cannot be evil, and only atheists would be capable of the Holocaust.

(3) So Nazis, like all truly evil people, are atheists.

(4) Therefore, all atheists are truly evil. They must be servants of Satan.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DARWINIAN DIVINITY

(1) Atheists are evolutionists who worship Darwin.

(2) See, everyone needs to worship a god, even atheists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BAD NEIGHBORS

(1) My neighbor is always snooping through my garbage.

(2) I prayed for something bad to happen to my neighbor.

(3) Then my neighbor stuck his hand into a bear trap in my garbage.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ANAL FRUSTRATION

(1) God my ASS!!

(2) My ass exists.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM YOU ARE ALWAYS LOVED

(1) You are always loved.

(2) God invented love.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM GOD WILL PROVIDE

(1) I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

(2) But something always happens to sustain me. My parents support me, I find a job, etc. God provides!

(3) No, it's NOT the actions of the humans themselves! How could you think that?"

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NOT CONTRADICTING SUPERNATURALISM

(1) Science can give evidence for the existence of God.

(2) At the points where it doesn't, scientists should just shut up.

(3) Therefore, no evidence against God will ever be developed.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DON'T BE IMPRISONED BY YOUR OWN LOGIC

(1) You could see the beauty of God if you would just open your eyes.

(2) God won't show himself to a person who has his eyes closed, you know.

(3) Logic can keep you from God, but only if you let it.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LEFT TURN OUT OF McDONALD'S

(1) A lady in an SUV with cell phone to her head pulls out of McD's with no concept of oncoming traffic.

(2) A frustrated motorist yells "Jesus Christ!"

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EAR SHAPE (AND CUTENESS)

(1) A drunken twentyish guy pontificates about ear shape and evolutionary processes.

(2) A nearby woman rebuts his assertion and proclaims intelligent design.

(3) She's cute, so he's not going to argue with her.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN

(1) Mel Gibson plays a reverend whose wife is horribly killed, and he loses his faith.

(2) The Earth is suddenly attacked, his family is terrorized, he loses two pets, and many people across the globe presumably die.

(3) An alien grabs and terrorizes his son, injecting him with a poison. But with the help of said son's asthma, and the last words of his dead wife, he gets lucky and the kid doesn't quite die.

(4) Therefore, God exists.

4a) And don't you dare stop believing in him — otherwise, he might try to restore your faith by scaring the hell out of you. ARGUMENT FROM INCOHERENCY

(1) You have to have faith!

(2) [Atheist: How do you define faith?]

(3) You know ... Faith!

(4) [Atheist: No, I don't know. Please enlighten me.]

(5) You do so have faith! You're just trying to confuse me!

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM YOU'RE TOO NICE

(1) You're too nice to be an atheist.

(2) Therefore you can't be an atheist. You must believe in God.

(3) [Atheist: Actually, no ...]

(4) I'm not listening! LA LA LA LA LA!

(5) Therefore, God exists. To infinity. DAN QUAYLE'S ARGUMENT

(1) Gode Exists. BILL CLINTON'S ARGUMENT

(1) The existence of God depends on your definition of the word "of."

(2) Therefore, God exists. JOHNNY COCHRAN'S ARGUMENT

(1) If God exist, you must acquist!

(2) Therefore, God exists. GEORGE W. BUSH'S ARGUMENT

(1) That god won't hunt.

(2) Y'all.

(3) Ergo, um, axle of evil, ahh, claridify, umm, supportification, ah, pretzel.

(3) Y'all.

(4) What he said.

(5) Therefore, God existifies.

(2) Launch. GODEL'S ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPLETENESS

(1) Any proof of God's existence will always be incomplete.

(2) Therefore, God exists. MINIMALISTIC ARGUMENT

(1) God PLUMBER'S ARGUMENT

(1) Therefore, God exists.

(2) That'll be five hundred dollars. THE SOUP NAZI'S ARGUMENT

(1) If God exists, he will stand in line like everybody else.

(2) That's it! No soup for you!

(3) Therefore, God exists. GOD'S MOTHER'S ARGUMENT

(1) You never call.

(2) Mr. Bigshot, too important to call his own mother.

(3) I might as well not exist. *sniff*

(4) And if I don't exist ...

(5) [God quickly calls his mother]

(6) Therefore, God exists.

6a) Now let me materialize a nice hot cup of chicken soup ... ARGUMENT FROM CLASSIFIED ADS

(1) Suprmdl sks lv-in bdygrd. 1 bdrm apt.

(2) Thr4 Gd xsts. ARGUMENT FROM DAUGHTER

(1) Can I have twenty bucks?

(2) I HATE you!

(3) Can you take me to the mall?

(4) There IS a God! ARGUMENT FROM SON

(1) God made me do it.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SPOUSE

(1) If you are still on that damned computer, God help you!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LONG SILENCE

(1) God exists.

(2) [Atheist explains why he doesn't.]

(3) [long silence]

(4) [Atheist forgets about the argument and goes home.]

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FOOD CHAIN

(1) Humans are right at the top of the food chain.

(2) God made it this way.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNDERSTANDING

(1) You're not meant to understand.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ALIENS (II)

(1) Everyone knows that aliens don't exist.

(2) Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

(3) Oh, but God's different!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SURVIVAL OF THE STUPID

(1) Norman and Jason have been posting for a couple of years now.

(2) And yet, there's no possible way that anyone THAT fucking stupid could survive more than an hour without supernatural assistance.

(3) It's a miracle!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM DESTRUCTIVE CAPABILITY

(1) The U.S. has the firepower to slaughter as many third world people as it wants.

(2) The U.S. uses that firepower regularly.

(3) Of course, America's firepower and willingness to use it are God's will.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HUME (BRITT, NOT DAVID)

(1) If Osama bin Laden is still alive, then Dubya's war on terrorism has thus far failed.

(2) I can't wrap my mind around the idea that the war has been a failure, even in part.

(3) Therefore, we must interpret the fact that we haven't seen any new bin Laden tapes for a while as conclusive proof that bin Laden is dead.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM JESUS LOVES ME

(1) Jesus loves me because the Bible says so.

(2) If radiometric dating is valid, then Jesus might not love me after all, because the Bible might not be literal truth.

(3) That's unacceptable.

(4) Therefore, radiometric dating is bogus, the Bible is literally true, Jesus loves me, and God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE LOTTERY

(1) Thousands of people in New York were murdered by terrorists on 9/11/01

(2) The winning New York lottery numbers on 9/11/02 were 911.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM AMBROSIA

(1) Mountain Dew is the nectar of the Gods.

(2) But God does not condone polytheism. And God knows best.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY

(1) The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP) states that the location or the movement of a particle can be known, but not simultaneously.

(2) But God knows everything.

(3) Therefore, the HUP is false.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM PULP FICTION

(1) God came down from heaven, and stopped those motha-fuckin' bullets.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM VOLTAIRE

a.k.a. ARGUMENT FROM NECESSARY INVENTION

(1) Voltaire said, "If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him."

(2) I concur.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM NIETZSCHE

(1) Nietzsche said, "The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist."

(2) Not true. God's got PLENTY of excuses.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM FIGHT CLUB

(1) We are God's unwanted children.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM BASELESS CLAIM

(1) If you can show _______, then that would be evidence against God's existence.

(2) If you can't fill in that blank with some criteria, then the statement that there is a God seems to be without content, since no matter what the evidence was, you would still believe in a God.

(3) That's right.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM COMPLEXITY

a.k.a. GOD OF THE GAPS

a.k.a. DESIGN/TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (XIII)

(1) That which is complex has a creator.

(2) The universe is complex.

(3) Only God is complex enough to create the universe.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SOME JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES AT PERCHANCE'S DOOR (ULTRA-CONDENSED VERSION)

(1) Russia was atheistic.

(2) But Russia collapsed.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM 2+2=4

(1) 2+2=4

(2) Think about how improbable that is.

(3) If the universe were left to random chance, 2+2 would probably not equal 4.

(4) Instead, it might be equal to -43, or 7,894,321,695,844, or something else.

(5) Only God could make 2+2=4.

(6) Therefore, God exists. FERMAT'S LAST ARGUMENT

(1) My proof is so big it doesn't fit into the margins.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTUITION

(1) Democritus, and the writers of creation myths, and correct intuitions that there are atoms, and the world had not existed forever, respectively.

(2) Therefore, intuition in general is reliable.

(3) My intuition tells me that God exists.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF AN ARGUMENT (I)

(1) Well ...

(2) Um ...

(3) You see ...

(4) Um ...

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF AN ARGUMENT (II)

(1) I don't have an argument for God.

(2) My lack of an argument makes me morally superior to you atheists.

(3) This indicates a baseline standard of morality that must have been derived from God.

(4) MY GOD!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *coughcough* Ouchies ...

(5) [see next argument for further details]

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF AN ARGUMENT (III)

(1) No, I WASN'T arguing!

(2) WAS NOT!

(3) What do you mean, I'm arguing now?

(4) WHAT!?!?!?

(5) [see previous argument for further details]

(6) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM LENGTH

(1) Here is a 200 page document, all in one giant paragraph, that proves God's existence.

(2) You didn't refute the third argument on page 167.

(3) Therefore, God exists. TERCEL'S ARGUMENT FROM MYTH GESTATION TIME

(1) The gospels were written X amount of time after the events they describe.

(2) It takes longer than X for mythological content to be added to writings about people.

(3) [Atheist points out examples of myths popping up about events after periods much shorter than X, even "living legends" who had myths circulate them during their own lifetime.]

(4) Oh, those are just exceptions to the rule!

(5) Therefore, God exists. McCARTHY'S ARGUMENT

(1) All atheists are commies.

(2) You're not a commie, are you?

(3) Therefore, God exists. ETERNAL'S ARGUMENT FROM GENITALIA

(1) I have a penis.

(2) I can pee and ejaculate with it.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM EXPERIENCE

(1) You're too young.

(2) You haven't yet experienced life's absurdity.

(3) You'll grow up.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

(1) Life is full of important questions.

(2) I need God to answer them.

(3) No, I'm NOT jumping on the first bogus answer people have been feeding me with!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM

(1) I like chocolate ice cream.

(2) I opened my freezer, and behold, there was chocolate ice cream in it.

(3) God is so nice with all his little attentions!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MISDEFINITION OF A RELIGION

(1) You don't want to be an evolutionist, do you?

(2) [Atheist explains that evolution is a scientific theory, not a religion.]

(3) But you believe in it.

(4) That means you support Social Darwinism.

(5) And that's just yucky.

(6) I don't want to be yucky, so I can't support evolution.

(7) But I need some explanation for the origin of life.

(8) [Atheist: Evolution has nothing to do with—]

(9) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

(1) First of all, I'd like to thank my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

(2) [shout out to all my homies in the balcony]

(3) I couldn't have done this without Jesus.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM QUOTE MINING

(1) Here is an irrelevant quote by Stephen Jay Gould that proves that evolution is wrong.

(2) [Atheist: Uhhh, that quote is a bit out of context. Actually, if you read the whole page from which the quote is taken, you'll see that—]

(3) Since evolution is wrong, creationism is true.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM IDIOTS AT THE DOOR

(1) Hello, we would like to talk about God —

(2) GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!!!

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM SNOTTY BRITISH BIOLOGIST

(1) Richard Dawkins ridicules religion in some of his books.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM OPENING OF MOUTH

(1) If you talk about something, that means it actually exists.

(2) God.

(3) Odin.

(4) Nah-uh.

(5) Therefore, God exists. JOAN OF ARC'S ARGUMENT

(1) I found a sword in a field.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM STUDENT PAPERS

(1) I'm writing my paper at the last minute.

(2) I know I should have done it two weeks ago, when I first knew about the paper, but I was busy.

(3) I pray that God will help me get it done by morning.

(4) Yay! It's done!

(5) Who cares that it's not nearly as good as it could have been if I'd spent several days on it?

(6) Thank you, Lord!

(7) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM STUDENT PAPERS (II)

(1) This author is stupid bitch.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S REALITY

(1) I have experienced God.

(2) Other people have not.

(3) Poor people. There is something wrong with their perception of reality.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "OFFICE SPACE"

(1) PC Load Letter, what the fuck is that?

(2) Someone must know what it means.

(3) Michael Bolton doesn't know (and he's smart).

(4) God would know.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "AMERICAN BEAUTY" (I)

(1) This bag was swirling around in the wind.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "AMERICAN BEAUTY" (II)

(1) Thora Birch.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE TGE PROJECT

(1) The TGE Project's list has gone on far longer than any reasonable person would expect.

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM KEVIN BACON

(1) Kevin Bacon is haunting my dorm.

(2) He keeps rattling and scratching at my door at night.

(3) I prayed to Jebus, and Kevin Bacon hasn't broken down my door yet.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE RADIO

(1) I was listening to the radio, and I started thinking about my favorite song.

(2) Then my favorite song started playing on the radio!

(3) God must have heard my thoughts!

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM THE FORCE

(1) Dude, the Force is totally a metaphor for God!

(2) What do you mean that doesn't prove anything? It's Star Wars!

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "I WAS A SICK SON OF A BITCH"

(1) When I was an atheist, I smoked crack, robbed gas stations, raped prostitutes, and stole candy from babies.

(2) When I found Jesus, I stopped doing that stuff.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM INTELLIGENT WEB DESIGN

(1) The AIG website is too complex to have arisen by chance.

(2) Therefore it was intelligently designed.

(3) Therefore, the designers are intelligent, so we can trust what they say.

(4) They say God exists.

(5) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM UNINTELLIGENT WEB DESIGN

(1) The AIG website is too complex to have arisen by chance.

(2) Therefore it was intelligently designed.

(3) Creationists are not intelligent, so it must have been God.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM CONTRADICTION

(1) Assume that God exists.

(2) The atheist claims that God doesn't exist.

(3) But since this contradicts the original assumption, the atheist must be wrong.

(4) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM MESSED UP TRINITARIAN REASONING

(1) God is three.

(2) Three's a crowd.

(3) A crowd consists of people.

(4) People exist.

(5) Therefore, God exists. THE INEVITABLE ARGUMENT FROM HOMER SIMPSON

(1) Doh!

(2) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM "24"

(1) The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM on the day of the California Presidential Primary.

(2) [Christian spends an hour "witnessing"]

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM POT

(1) Everything on Earth is here for people to use.

(2) Weed makes you feel really good.

(3) Therefore, God exists. ARGUMENT FROM