From the time it goes up the nose, cocaine takes about 15 minutes to travel through the bloodstream, pass through the blood-brain barrier, and produce a feeling of euphoria. Pupils dilate. The heart races. Users experience a rush of energy, feelings of invincibility, and, according to science, increased sexual motivation.

This isn’t firsthand knowledge — it's widely known. It's why millions of people use the drug each year and have used it every year for the last couple centuries. Somehow the federal government is still unclear on the concept.

The National Institutes of Health spent $356,000 to better understand the combination of coke and sex. Because federal law obviously prohibits giving out samples of cocaine to human test subjects, those scientists recruited male Japanese quail instead. Turns out, when little birds that weigh less than a tennis ball get hopped up on illegal narcotics they tend to engage in some “high risk sexual activities.”

Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., isn’t happy about this. No, the Kentucky Republican doesn’t begrudge the promiscuous little birds. He blames the federal government who bought them coke with taxpayer money.

Paul let loose during a recent floor speech:



The libertarian-leaning senator summarized in an interview afterward saying that “common sense would have told us that one, cocaine is probably not good for you, and that cocaine might make you do things that you wouldn’t have done otherwise had you not been on cocaine.”

Two quick things: First, it’s not that cocaine probably isn’t good for you. Cocaine definitely isn’t good for you. Second, when costs are diffuse and benefits concentrated, it’s almost impossible for the government to just say no. Wasteful spending is a heckuva drug.