Written by: Carina Uchida

“NOT A REAL DOCTOR”

Imposter syndrome is a common phenomena in the world of psychology and in people’s daily lives. Feeling inadequate regardless of one’s achievements and vast knowledge affects 7 out of 10 people according to statistics. The fine line between self awareness and self loathing is a narrow one, hard to navigate and even harder to place a pin on it. Amidst pressures to succeed (whatever that may be) and frequent comparison to others, one feels ever undeserving to be awarded, credited or even part of a conversation.

Reasons for imposter syndrome are vast and they usually stem from internal insecurities that are not new but probably long lasting (humans, amiright?). However, one that is rather unheard of and very much systematically rooted is the imposter syndrome arising from being part of a minority, in this case, coming from asian descent. AIS occurs when one fears that they are not meant to be in some high achieving class or group because of where they are from or how they look. Personally, I have that all the damn time. From classrooms to friend groups, the unforgiving consequence of being part of an ethnic group silenced in the western world for centuries is that subconsciously we tend to believe that our white, especially male, counterparts are more entitled to opportunities and opinions than we are.

This is one of the main reasons I do not speak up in lectures, even though I think I have a perfectly adequate answer to the question being posed. It is also one of the reasons I stray from debating about complex issues with colleagues and friends, because no matter how much I know about Brexit or the Russian intervention in Syria, society has taught me that I will never be smart enough to argue – or even deserve to be in the same room with them. AIS affects us in smaller less professional forms as well, such as struggling to be expressive about sex because of stereotypes that asians (especially east asians) are asexual if male and submissive if female – as a consequence there is lack of validation in how we portray our bodies and sexual feelings (3min break for a Marvin Gaye sing-a-long).

Another factor of imposter syndrome is that the more accomplished people become, the more they fear others will inevitably find out that they are a “fraud” – in other terms – that they are not as smart as they seem on paper. This perpetuating anxiety is common for anyone, but heightened for those with AIS as we struggle the irony of always striving to work harder to succeed but the minute we walk into the room, a deep sense of incompetence intimidates us to the corner.

Being scarcely represented in the media and in conversations of academia and experts has downgraded our worth – not always how others perceive us – but especially how we perceive ourselves. We are easily sidelined as secondary characters to a heroic and moving plot, which is commonly reflected on our self awareness. We have been brought up to never demand centre stage or to be opinionated. Partially because much of the conversation occurs in the west, between white men in tall buildings, but it is also due to history creating an unspoken hierarchy of validation – where subconsciously those of developing countries or non english speaking nations are marginalized to be silent, uneducated and therefore grouped into stereotypes to be digested easier.

I am sure that other minorities have similar experiences and fears when it comes to imposter syndrome and their roots. Yet, for asians, who are stereotyped to all look east asian and therefore quiet and submissive, we struggle to break the mold of oppression that are placed upon us and consequently those that we place upon ourselves.

As an east asian woman, there is equal weight in feeling inadequate because I belong to a minority but also because I have boobs. It is undeniable that women are also left out of mainstream media and conversations as who they are – not what men portray them to be. So are women often afraid to speak up because they feel less validated of having a voice? Yes. Are WOC even more pressured to be silent due to scarce acknowledgement of their intellectuality? Have we come a long way? Is there still much to improve on? Yes, yes and abso-tutely yes.

It took me almost 20 years to figure this one out folks, and I’m still coming to terms with it. My stomach will continue to turn whenever I want to speak in public and my CV will always scream “you ain’t getting the job!”. Everyone says “acceptance is the first step to recovery”, mostly to drug addicts but hey, isn’t society hooked on deep rooted racism and misogyny since the beginning of humankind? So as we acknowledge that AIS is a thang and a problem, we can then start working on distancing our self worth and validation to the external perceptions that drives our insecurities. The aim of AIS is a “food for thought” exercise of self diagnosis, but don’t be surprised when you don’t find it on WebMD.

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