I was in high school when I first heard about the Milgram Experiment. I remember at the time feeling horrified at the findings of the experiment, wondering how on earth people could do those kinds of things to each other. I remember hoping that I would never fall for this kind of experiment…that my morals and my respect for life would not allow me to participate in something so cruel.

For those not familiar with the Milgram Experiment, here’s a brief Wikipedia overview:

“The Milgram experiment on obedience to authority figures was a series of social psychology experiments conducted by Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram. They measured the willingness of study participants…to obey an authority figure who instructed them to perform acts conflicting with their personal conscience; the experiment found, unexpectedly, that a very high proportion of people were prepared to obey, albeit unwillingly, even if apparently causing serious injury and distress.”

In this experiment, people were told that they, as the “Teacher,” were going to be administering shocks to a “Learner” if the Learner answered questions incorrectly, with the voltage of the shocks increasing with each wrong answer. The experiment was set up in such a way that the Teachers believed they were facilitating an experiment that studied the Learners, when in actuality the experiment really sought to study just how far against one’s conscience a Teacher would go when instructed by authority to continue shocking the Learner even when he/she was obviously in distress. The Learners, part of the study’s team of facilitators, were not actually being shocked, but were actors who would cry out as if in pain as the Teacher “shocked” them at incrementally higher and higher voltage.

The experiment found, unexpectedly, that a very high proportion of people were prepared to obey, albeit unwillingly, even if apparently causing serious injury and distress.

Oh, my Mormon friends. This is us.

Last night, Elder Russell M. Nelson declared the policy handbook changes – the changes that labeled LGBT members involved in same-sex relationships “apostate” and ruled that their children are ineligible for any LDS ordinances, including baby blessings and baptisms, before age 18 (and only then if they publicly denounce the relationship of their parents) – “inspired revelation,” calling the experience of confirming the revelation received by President Monson a “sacred process.” [Quotation marks added for clarity, not snark.] He then admonished us all to follow the prophet, thus making a clear connection between the sacred nature of the handbook change and the importance of adhering to and supporting this change.

I’ll be honest and say it feels like a punch to the stomach to hear from the mouth of an apostle that we now believe (collectively) that forbidding children access to saving ordinances based on the alleged sins of their parents is divinely inspired. It is painful to my core to think that my good, kind, honest, Christlike friends – who also happen to be gay or lesbian – are deemed apostate merely because of the person they choose to love. My soul recoils at the thought of the damage being done by this particular policy. And while I understand wholeheartedly that this is not about my ally feelings, as a child of God and an invested member of the church, I must say that this is a difficult, difficult time for me to be a Mormon.

Earlier in his address, Elder Nelson said, “The Lord will ask you to do difficult things. You can count on it. Abrahamic tests did not stop with Abraham.” Can we unpack this for just a minute?

I’ve always had issues with Abraham, and with a God who would ask his loving servant to walk his only son up a lonely hillside in order to spill that son’s blood and then set him on fire – you know, as a “test.” I’ve talked through this and read all kinds of stuff about Abraham in an effort to find peace with this story. As one who has dealt with some pretty tough emotional abuse, this story just makes my skin crawl, and I don’t think I will ever feel peaceful about the story as it is commonly understood. But, let me tell you what resonates with me. It’s not an original idea, and I’m not sure who deserves the credit, but the idea that seems the most right to me is that perhaps Abraham failed this test. Maybe, just maybe, the goal of this test was to see if Abraham would use his agency and his understanding of right and wrong, and use the power of his single voice to say, “No.”

No, what is happening here is wrong.

No, this is not the moral thing to do.

No, I love the Lord with all my heart, but I do not believe he would have me hurt an innocent child in order to prove this love.

Y’all, if Abraham had been a subject in the Milgram Experiment, I think he would have pushed the buzzer. Repeatedly. And, honestly, I feel like Elder Nelson is encouraging us all to push the buzzer, too. It made my stomach turn when I first read about the experiment in high school, and I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “There is no way I would ever have pushed that buzzer once I started hearing the Learner crying out. I couldn’t do that to someone else.”

I never thought I would have the actual opportunity to participate – or not – in a real-life Milgram Experiment. But, here we are in the Mormon Milgram Experiment. Our Learners are crying out. We know we are causing pain, and yet we double down and dig in and say, “I will be obedient at the expense of your pain and distress.”

No.

I cannot support the policy change. I refuse to push the buzzer.