Ostrich Rover Alabama House.jpg

An artist's rendering of Accountability, the NASA rover commissioned to explore the Alabama legislature in search of intelligence.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

Filled with enthusiasm after their monumental discovery of 7 new earth-like planets, scientists at NASA confirmed that they will soon embark on their most challenging endeavor yet:

The search for intelligent life in the Alabama Legislature.

Beginning next week, an unmanned rover will comb the aisles of the Alabama State House in an attempt to locate a living creature with some semblance of human intelligence.

In a press conference Thursday, NASA project manager Ted Zirkelbach said there is no doubt that the building contains organic life, as the people of Alabama have elected a living, breathing human being to the House of Representatives or Senate all but one time in the last five years. The question is whether or not any of the elected officials possess a certain level of intelligence.

"These creatures can stand upright. We have witnessed them eat, drink, and collect money from special interest groups, but they appear to struggle with basic communication," stated Zirkelbach. "For instance, when one of these lawmakers is told by their constituents to push for a state lottery, they respond by introducing legislation that allows churches to operate a gun range in the sanctuary. They clearly lack the ability to understand basic commands."

NASA hopes that their new state-of-the-art rover, Accountability, will break through the obvious communication barriers to determine whether or not these 140 humans are truly intelligent, and maybe even capable of governing.

If all goes according to plan, Accountability will be launched into the State House early Tuesday morning before the legislators convene. The rover will then use highly sophisticated instruments to search for intelligence among the crowd of elected officials.

Accountability will begin scanning lawmakers for intelligence almost immediately. The rover is programmed to approach the elected official and extend its robotic arms to offer them two different bills to sponsor. One is a comprehensive ethics reform bill, the other is bathroom bill that would require you to prove your gender by showing a police officer your genitalia before using a public restroom.

Zirkelbach said that Accountability's automated intelligence would record one of three possible outcomes from the test.

"If they choose the ethics bill - and there is no evidence to believe that any of them will - then Accountability will leave Montgomery having achieved its mission. If they choose the bathroom bill, Accountability will note that the lawmaker lacks basic intelligence. The rover may also temporarily stun the legislator to stop them from introducing the mock bill in committee," explained Zirkelbach. "The third outcome is the representative from Lee County dismantling Accountability for its copper wiring."

While the rover is scheduled to land in the State House, it has the capability to roam onto Union Street where it could encounter Governor Robert Bentley. Although this mission does not call for such a meeting, NASA's design time has outfitted Accountability with 360-degree visual capabilities that should prevent the Governor from launching a sneak attack from the rear. Accountability is also waterproof, which could come in handy if the Governor decides to nibble on the rover's antenna.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, the Ostrich.]