Photo : Pool ( Getty Images )

The news that Donald Trump may or may not have a “secret” love child with his former housekeeper has left me with many questions.


In between dry-heaving at the thought of him huffing and puffing away while on top of someone, his eyes squinted and his lips pursed as he lives out the best 45 seconds of his day, I’ve had time to run back from the other sexual-scandal stories that have come out about him recently.


As I said, it’s left me with many questions. I’ll share two of them with you right now.

Why would you willingly have sex with Donald Trump?

My granny once told me that “there is a lid for every pot.” She meant that for even the most unattractive person in the world, there is at least one person who will love them and be with them and see the beauty in them.

I took my granny at her word, because I have seen some ugly pots with their matching lids.

I find myself confused, however, when it comes to Donald Trump. This man is not only aesthetically displeasing but is ugly on the inside, too. It’s like a double whammy of gross for a number of reasons, yet we have a laundry list of women who have willingly busted it open for him—some of them more than once.


So, what gives? What makes these women let this man push his soft underbelly against their pelvises as he grunts and snorts?

I need answers.

Melania? Can you tell us? Are you there of your own free will? Do you need our help? Blink once if yes.


Why would you willingly have raw sex with Donald Trump?

After wondering why anyone would willingly have sex with Donald Trump, I then think about the fact that he has children. Plural, as in more than one. Ivanka, Donald Jr., Eric, Tiffany, Barron and (allegedly) the housekeeper’s child were all conceived the natural way, as far as we know.


Why are you willingly having raw sex with Donald Trump, and why are you letting him shoot up the club?

I know it’s gross of me to phrase it like that, but it’s gross of y’all to let that man do that to your insides. Eww.


As more and more stories about sexual scandals and affairs come out about him, the more we know for sure that he is out there passing his dick out like free mixtapes in a Burger King parking lot, so why are you letting him go in unprotected?

It’s all just so very gross.

I am sorry I dragged y’all into this abyss of thought with me, but if I can’t scrub it from my brain, you shouldn’t be able to scrub it from yours, either.


This is just nasty.