Earlier today, someone I respect and whose judgment I trust posted a fairly good answer about why the use of the word “rape” in gaming contexts, specifically to indicate that you thoroughly and completely beat someone, is problematic. His response touched on the relationship between personal liberties and public sensitivities, and the fact that it’s a sign of respect to rape survivors to not use the term in contexts other than that of the criminal act of rape. His response is a good place to start, but there’s definitely a lot more connotation to the word “rape” than that, so let’s start with what rape is about.

So here’s the thing about rape: rape is about power.

Some people will protest that this is utter twaddle (although they’ll use stronger words than twaddle), that of course rape is about sex, because rape is by definition non-consensual sex, and therefore rape must be about uncontrollable sexual desire. Yes, the act of rape is an act of non-consensual sex. This is not to say that sex is the motive. Sex is the means.

When the enemy mid crows gleefully that he raped you in that game, he destroyed you and he raped your ass, he is not saying that he is sexually interested in you. He’s saying that he owned you, that he beat you, that he had so much power over you that you were utterly powerless because of it. He’s saying that he took something from you without your consent, used it to beat you down into submission. He’s saying that he defeated you, dominated you, humiliated you.

When a college student complains that man, that last biostatistics exam just raped me, they’re not saying that any sexual activity was involved (or if it was, that’s one anthropomorphically fucked up test). They’re saying that the exam they just experienced was so overwhelming and unbearable and painful and torturous that it was equivalent to the act in which a person is violated in the most intimate way.

Rape is a dehumanizing act. It reduces a person to an object, to the sum of their parts and nothing more. So to pithily compare repeatedly killing someone’s character in a video game to that act is incredibly disrespectful to every man and woman who has put their pieces back together after being objectified and dehumanized. Further, using the term in a gaming context dilutes the power of the word “rape” to describe the actual act by declaring it equivalent with a poor performance in an arena that, in the end, exists on a screen.

I don’t say this to make light of the significant amount of frustration and even anger that result from losing, particularly from losing badly. I say this because I am tired of people making light of rape. And yes, before you ask, I’ve had Dota matches where I died 17 times and accomplished nothing, and Planetside 2 ops where I rezzed maybe one person for every five times I died, and USFIV matchups where I didn’t land a single hit on my opponent through the entire Bo3. I know full well what that feels like, and it feels shitty.

But to say that that feeling is in any way, shape, or form equivalent to the aftermath that can and does result from having been sexually assaulted — to shame and depression and isolation and PTSD and self-loathing — is wrong to a degree that the English language lacks the capacity to express.

There are those who, in response to this, will suggest that I should lighten up, learn to take a joke, or stop being offended. This is not about taking personal offense. In fact, vehement negative response to the use of the word “rape” in gaming contexts has nothing to do with offense or PC culture or being overly sensitive at all; it has everything to do with not invalidating the very painful and very real experiences of thousands of men and women. There are those who, in response to this, will suggest that it is censorship to tell an individual or group of individuals not to use a word. This is not about the suppression of free speech; you have the right to use the word “rape” in gaming contexts if you wish to do so. But in the interest of basic compassion, common decency, and even the smallest ounce of respect, the next time you want to express to your opponent just how badly you beat them — pick a different word.