Dear Kid Who Missed the Catch and Started Crying So Was Given Another Ball:

Man up.

The truth is, you never even had it. You weren't even close. Your arms are too short, for one. For two, you're in the twilight of your infancy. If you were honest with yourself, you'd admit that you'll never remember last night. All you could've done was make that super-attractive lady's night worse.

And the gratuitous show you put on, weeping and begging for the ball afterward? C'mon, son. This is the YouTube era. You shamed yourself, and probably even your progeny. By the way, the second ball the ball boy threw to you? That trinket? That was the spectator's equivalent of a participation medal. There's no story to that ball. No glory.

Take it from me, kid. You don't want to get in the habit of racking up participation medals. Not this early in life. Next time you go to a Rangers game, you take that ball with you and you crawl up to that pitying ball boy and you shove it down his goddamn throat.

This is Texas, son. We don't take handouts.