My name is Christopher Macias, I’m a 23 year old photographer, and I have anxiety. More specifically, I’m an analog photographer (or to put it simply, I shoot film). More specifically, my head is always buzzing and running, the thoughts just keep going, both good and bad. The best way I can explain to people what this anxiety is like; it’s like I have tinnitus. A constant ringing in my head, I can sometimes drown it out with music or action, but that’s not a perfect, or always ready solution. It’s a constant ringing with my own inner monologue. This inner monologue can often drown out music I’m listening to, podcasts I’m trying to keep up with, or even conversations I’m having. It’s a non-stop barrage of my own thoughts, from the mundane to the overly panicked and disastrous which can often fling me into an all out anxiety attack or depression state. Like a ringing in your ear, it’s at it’s most prominent when you’re alone in the quiet.

Expired Portra 160 — Financial District — San Francisco, CA.

I’ve chosen to shoot with film, for many aesthetic reasons. However, the reason that stands above all is my own mental state. Digital is all about high volume shooting and searching through the pile for some good ones. Film is slower, well thought out.

I can’t shoot digital with my mind constantly running, I can’t shoot to try and keep up because it only speeds myself up. I shoot film because it counteracts my own mind. With film I have to make sure I’m metered, I have to think about my aperture and shutter and imagine how this image will look when completed. Emphasis on think. I have to force myself to mute the inner dialogue I’m having, and focus on what’s in my hands while simultaneously focusing on what it’s going to look like. With this, I’ve taken bigger and more challenging steps with what I use to photograph. Starting with a Pentax K100, moving to a 690 Fujifilm, and now working with a 4x5 Speed Graphic (by far the slowest of the slow). I’ve fallen in love with 4x5, not only what it’s done to my photography but what it’s done to my own mind’s relationship to anxiety. There are so many steps and procedures that must be followed before pressing the shutter. I’m forced to keep myself in the moment and focus on everything, to mute out the inner dialogue and live in what’s in front of me. A lot of anxiety is second guessing yourself at every turn, with 4x5 film you can’t do that. You have to be firm in your own decisions, or it will set you up for failure.

4x5 Speed Graphic — My apartment — San Francisco, CA

Working with film, and specifically 4x5 film, has branched beyond therapy for my own monologue. It has recently become a catalyst for myself to speak about my anxiety. I’ve recently started taking photos of myself (above, the first official attempt) to help explain and relate what I’m going through with anxiety. Shooting film, if only for brief moments, silences the anxiety. Shooting film, helps me survive the quiet.