Throw away account. I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors. Wrote this on my phone.

I have been with my wife for 16 years married for 15. During our time together we've had our ups and downs. Mostly downs if I'm being honest. We had kids young and my wife opted to be a stay at home mom even though we couldn't afford it. To say that we lived pay check to paycheck would be an understatement. We always seemed to come up short. whether that was me just having a low paying job or because we weren't able to adult properly.

This has kind of been the Crux of our relationship. We've had plenty of other problems. Including but not limited to infidelity, homelessness, mental issues(both of us) and splitting up only to eventually get back together. Over time my earning power increased a bit. I have picked up a lot of experience and moved to different companies when it prudent. But we are still struggling to this day.

I feel like the main reason for that is that my wife just doesn't seem to care to support the family financially. Eventually the kids aged up as they do and went to school. Despite all the hardships we have struggled with she has been incapable of retaining a job long term. Over the course of our entire relationship I think the longest she's held a job was 2 years. She has even had a job where she worked from home that paid really well. Which to me is like the Holy Grail. If you have to work doing it from home seems like just a great option that's just my personal opinion.

One year ago roughly I was working at a new company that was not my wheelhouse. It was for a logistics company and just not something I acclimated to well. I was eventually let go due to attendance I was dealing with a lot issues related to my bipolar disorder. But I was happy in knowing that at least my wife was working and could hold us over until I secured new employment.

That happiness and secure feeling was quickly bulldozed. About a week after losing my job she decided to stop going to hers. And by stop going I mean rolling out of bed and walking across the hall to the computer room she used for an office. She was fired and now we were up shit creek so to speak. I put out applications as fast as I could fill them out. Went on multiple interviews and was offered about 4 jobs. I agreed to the one that paid the best but was far below what I had made previously. The job besides not paying that great also required me to pay for parking and was in a downtown extremely busy part of town. Then I put out one last application and landed a good job making the same amount I was from my last employer. I was super grateful and have been working there ever since.

My wife decided to just not get another job I guess. I don't know how else I can put it. She is perfectly content to sit on her butt reading books and surfing the internet all day. From June of last year to December she didn't work and things just got worse as time went on. I can cover most bills but not all of them. Eventually we got so far behind that we had our water cutoff for about 3 months. Which sucked it was a wake-up call for me. So I started working as much overtime as my job offered. I was able to get it turned back on but this to me was the moment that shattered my trust in her.

I eventually had a nervous breakdown and begged her on my knees to find another job. The stress and anger gave way to resentment. Still there was no changes made on her part. She continued doing whatever she wanted while we would go without. Having to go to food banks to get through the off weeks when I wasn't paid. Birthdays and holidays couldn't be properly celebrated. Promises to the kids that things would get better went the way of the wind. I sat still hoping that things could be salvaged that she would see how bad things were and would finally take care of us.

After my second break down she inexplicably landed a job at a huge company. She went in for training which was just about a month and a half long. I finally feeling like I could breath again. The relief I felt was indescribable really. And I'm man enough to admit that I cried I was so happy. Then just as quickly as my hope was rekindled it was dashed again. She stopped going to work. She told me that her new company had immediate short term disability for it's workers and that everything would be fine. The thing is short term disability benefits don't really pay out like steady paychecks. There's the doctors appointments and paperwork and approvals. If course it was also only like 60% or something if what she would normally bring in on top of all that.

So that's what's been going on since mid February. A barage of different medical issues ( i used the term loosely) to keep those benefits coming in. Which don't really help as much as she thinks. I could bring home more working overtime. Unfortunately I'm no longer able to do so. Part of her new job required a schedule change on my part. I would need to move to a day shift as her new job was a night shift one. So I could be home for the kids after school.

In April I got pretty bad pneumonia and ended up missing three weeks of work. You can imagine what affect that had. Bills and rent came do, Food ran low and everything just went to general hell. I did the only thing I could do went back to work as soon as I could. Still on medication and carrying a fancy new inhaler due to continuing breathing problems.

Thankfully there was no eviction or services cut off this time. But I realized that this was just that "this time" another time where things were awful. Where I felt helpless and like a failure because I couldn't provide for my family. I realize that doesn't make sense but my depression assigns all blame to myself. Even for things that I know aren't my fault. I have torn myself apart inside for years and finally there's nothing left to tear up. Any hope that was there has truly been snuffed out. I feel like I can't trust anyone ever again.

She still hasn't returned to work as of today. She was supposed to go back many times by this point. Every day she says she isn't going feels like a knife going in to my heart. But there's so many in there now I can't really feel it. It's like more of a nagging feeling than actual emotional pain. Over the course of me writing this she has been sitting in her computer room surfing the net and singing to pop music.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that she acts like nothing is wrong. Like nothing has ever been wrong. But that's all that it's ever been. I can't stand to be touched by her. I don't love her anymore. I can never ever trust her again. It's pretty obvious what I need to do. But finding the strength to do it has been harder than I thought it would be.

The financial side is tough too. If I leave she'll want the kids to stay with her. But sooner rather than later she would end up out on the street. I have no doubt about that. She's also said that if I every did leave her she would refuse any assistance I would offer. I don't want to be out of my kids lives by any means. But I feel like she would end up with custody.

I'm honestly not even sure what I'm looking for by posting this on here. Just getting it of my chest helps a little I guess. Anyway if you read all the way through I appreciate your time and comments if you choose to leave them. Thanks