Are you sure you want to be told in person? (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

I was once dumped in a pub in north London.

Nothing spectacular happened – but the pub was called The Famous Cock.

And that sort of summed up the bloke, too.

Another time someone broke up with me we were in the lift in the Gherkin.


At the party at the top of the building the bloke was telling me how gorgeous I was and how it upset him when I put myself down.

Then, by the time we hit the ground floor, he was all ‘but you know I’m ambivalent about you, right?’

Being dumped is hideous, of course.



But there are better and worse ways it can happen.

Read on, my fellow losers in love.

By text

The pros

Some say there are advantages to being dumped by text.

The message is usually short and (not) sweet – so no prolonged ‘peeling the plaster off’ agony.

You have the chance to absorb the information before needing to respond and, crucially, you get to see what an awful coward the dumping chump is.

The cons

What an awful coward!

An awful coward who hasn’t given you the chance to throw a glass of wine over his/her awful coward face! Grrrrr.

Dumping by text is so passive aggressive.

You, the dumpee, don’t get the chance to ask all the ‘but you said my saggo boobs warmed your heart as well as my knees’ questions.

You have no chance to have your say – and you have no chance to make the break-up bloody agony for them.

‘I need another Dubonnet while you tell me what I did on date 27, year 1, that offended you so.’

Bloody brutes.

By email

The pros

Like text dumping, an email Dear John/Joanna gives you time to get your ‘not pretty enough for them’ head around it all.

Time to read/re-read/read/read and send to five friends and work out what you want to say in response.

The best email reply to an email dumping I ever read (there had only been one date, I think, but the bloke didn’t take it well) was ‘I hope you live a long, miserable life’. I still miss him.

The cons

Again, an email dumping shows no courage, no affection, and no regard for the relationship.

And, again, it takes away your opportunity to bash this out.

Surely text and email ‘ta-tas’ mean you’re left with a million unanswered questions.

And some brains need the answers. Email dumpers leave you in that cruel ‘what if’ limbo with their Gfail approach.

Your phone is not your friend (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

By phone

The pros

They care enough to tell you, to hear your voice, to have an actual conversation about the split.

They respect you enough to actually say the words to you.



They basically give/gave a shit.

Unless of course they reverse the charges.

The cons

You have to have an actual conversation.

A conversation they’ve prepped for but you absolutely didn’t see coming.

Will your brain react quickly enough during the emotional onslaught?

Will you manage to say everything you want to say in this, your final talk with them? Probably not.

But that’s what speed dial is for.

By DM

The pros

A nice symmetry to the relationship?

Started with a DM dick pic, ends with a DM from the prick.

At least this isn’t public humiliation. Unless they are a fan of the screen grab.

The cons

You can’t publicly shame them for being so cowardly. Not unless you are a fan of the screen grab.

In person

Supposedly the adult thing to do (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

The pros

If someone dumps you in person, you can assume they hold you in high(ish) esteem.

They think you should be treated like an adult who had enjoyed a grown-up relationship with them.

They loved you once – and they want that feeling, and your history, to be suitably honoured by a pint and some Nobby’s Nuts in the local ‘Spoons. It’s very moving.

The cons

They’ll see your fugly crying face.

And you’ll most probably lose your dignity – and with it any chance of capturing their heart again – three, maybe four, times during the encounter.

From hysterical pleas for them not to leave you when they go to the bar for another Babycham to the unfortunate, inevitable, ‘one for the road’ sexy moment.


Do it if you must, but not on the road.

By ghosting your ass

The pros

Oh my God. Ghosting is so rude.

There is no excuse. Just an awful sign of these emotionally disposable times.

The only pro I can think of is you see their true colours.

And those horrid hues will hopefully shock you into ‘f*** you!’ feelings.

The cons

It shoots your ego to shit and it leaves you flailing.

A woman I knew was with someone for a year. A whole year. Met his kids and everything.

They met up as usual one weekend, spent two days and nights together, then he went home.

And she never heard from him again.

After no replies to phone calls, texts or even going round to his she had to check with his family he was still alive.

He was but she never got any explanation. What wicked tortuous behaviour.

The moral? Never date anyone again.

As my late, great, ex and friend G would say: ‘Boys and girls? It’s a f***ing nightmare’ (read ‘boys and boys’ and ‘girls and girls’ too).

Bibi thinks dating sucks a big one. She writes cheerily on this and other matters at bibilynch.com

MORE: Why I’d rather be ghosted

MORE: Nine brutal ways people have dumped their exes – and regretted it

MORE: Here’s what you need to know if you have been dumped by ‘The One’

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