First off, let’s set out the criteria : a BAD porn movie title does the opposite of its intention, which is to arouse your interests and convince you to buy the tape. Nope, these titles work against them — they disgust, confuse or just plain turn you off. I’ve divided them up into 5 categories : 1) Gross, 2) Groan, 3) Stupid, 4) What The Hell, and 5) The Porn Store Clerk Laughed At Me. I’ll elaborate later.

There are a number of exclusions. Foreign titles are out because a bad translation is out of the original namer’s control. Ethnic videos were also excluded because they’re all pretty offensive, so “Chicken Chow Mine” and “Sushi Girls #24 – Stir Fry Snatch” are not on the list, as well as pretty much all the black videos. (I have never seen so many uses of the words “ho” and “booty” in my life.) Gay is out because the titles always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable. Also, any movie titles describing a disgusting sex act were disqualified because that’s a personal bias. So you don’t get “Bust A Nut In Grandma’s Butt” because some people like old women. Really old women. Yikes. “Edward Penishands” was immediately out because that one pops up on EVERYBODY ELSE’S Best Porn Movie Title list because it is actually an awesome title. I saw that movie. That had to be the worst porn shoot ever for that poor guy.

To research this article, I used the online database of over 70,000 movies at http://excaliburfilms.com. They’re all real titles — look them up if you want to. (I’m not linking to each one of these !) I have not seen all of these films. Actually, I have not seen any of these films. And I don’t want to — hence, this list. It is certainly not definitive, I simply could not review every single porn movie title ever. You have to draw a limit somewhere. The list is numbered, but it is not ranked because I can’t be bothered. You may also disagree with my choices because the title actually turns you on. I don’t care. You’re sick.

GROSS – these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :

1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES

2. LET’S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH

3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA

4. PRIME CUTS – YO QUIERO TACO SMELL

5. AMATEURS ONLY #129 – I’M A BROWN SHIT-HOLED WHORE

6. SEX STARVED FUCK SLUTS #22 – STINKY WHITE WOMEN

GROAN – bad puns, horrible plays on words, stupid Hollywood movie name adaptations :

7. DUDE, WHERE’S MY DILDO ?

8. ULTRA KINKY #79 – BOWLIN’ IN HER COLON

9. ASS-HOLE O MIO

10. HOMEGROWN VIDEO #489 : FUCK THE CANUCK

11. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA

12. GOOD ASSTERNOON

13. BACKDOOR ADVENTURES OF BUTTHEAD AND BEAVER

14. HINDFELD

15. TEA BAGGER VANCE

16. MUSIC TO FUCK TO – ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LABIA

17. GERANALMO

18. BRASSIERE TO ETERNITY

19. TIG OL’ BITTIES

20. MOULIN SPLOOGE

21. TITS OF FURY

22. GERMAN WHORE FARE

23. SHE’S NOT A LESBIAN … SHE’S A VAGITARIAN

24. TOOKIE RAIDER

25. MUFFUGNUGEN

26. PRIME CUTS – ONE FELL INTO THE POO-POO’S NEST

27. FILTHY FUCKERS #184 – POKE ‘ER MON

28. RIMMERAMA

29. HOOTERS AND THE BLOWJOBS

30. HUNG WANKENSTEIN

STUPID – poorly chosen titles for various reasons :

31. SEX

32. THE SPLENDOR OF HELL

33. COCKLESS 19

34. WET AND FROSTY

35. WHY THINGS BURN

36. AMATEURS ONLY #131 – HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE

37. BABY GIR

38. ANAL CHIROPRACTOR

39. HUSH ! MY MOTHER MIGHT HEAR US !

40. S.I.D.S. – SEXUALLY INTRUSIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL SOCIETY

41. PRICE IS RIGHT

42. SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE DWARFS

43. ABS OF CUM

44. DEAD MEN DON’T WEAR RUBBERS

45. SEX IN THE COMICS

46. TOPLESS BRAIN SURGEONS..

47. YOUR QUIM IS MY GYM

48. THEORY OF RELATIVITY

49. FELANALINGUS

50. K-FCK … THE ONLY THING MISSING IS YOU !

51. BRIANNA LEE’S RED HOT WEINIE ROAST

52. UNBALANCED CHEMICALS

53. STRAIGHT A STUDENTS

54. LET’S PLAY ANAL TWISTER

55. TUG BOAT

56. HEROIN

57. HAMLET : FOR THE LOVE OF OPHELIA #1

58. ACID SEX

59. ADULT MOVIE (A.K.A. PORN MOVIE)

60. RI DICK U LOUS – CHOCOLATE CAN HARDLY HANDLE IT !

61. FAT THE BALD AND THE UGLY

62. SANDWICH OF LOVE

63. PERVERTED ADVENTURES OF SUPER DAVE #1

64. AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A FLEA

65. FRYSTIX

66. ALL ANAL ON THE WESTERN FRONT

67. HITLER SUCKS

68. MASK

69. SKID ROW

70. ANAL FIREBALL

WHAT THE HELL … ? – No clue, no idea, no sale :

71. AIRTIGHT GRANNY

72. SECRETARIA EJECUTIVA #1 – BROAD OF DIRECTORS

73. SHRIMPIN’ LOBSTER SAUCE

74. A HORSE’S TAIL

75. E-THREE THE EXTRA TESTICLE

76. SIRLOIN TITS & TSA Locks

77. BIG AS THIS BOX #1

78. TITALLICA – MASTER OF PUPPIES

79. MEAT LOAF – TV DINNER BOX BIG, HUGE, MEATY COCKS

80. ONION PLANET

81. WHITE MEN CAN’T IRON ON BUTT ROW

82. SUPER DRIPPING WET SERIES #3 – CARNAL CASSEROLE

83. KID VEGAS WATCH ME CAMP BITCH !

THE PORN STORE CLERK LAUGHED AT ME – titles that are so stupidly funny, you can’t stop laughing and enjoy the movie :

84. CLIMAX SHOTS #70 – MY BROWN EYE, NOT THE WINKER, THE STINKER

85. BUMPIN DONUTS

86. H.R. MUFF N’ STUFF

87. AMBER THE LESBIAN QUEEFER

88. MAY THE FORESKIN BE WITH YOU

89. RED HOT CHO CHOS

90. WILLIE WANKER AND THE FUDGE PACKING FACTORY

91. PRETTY LIL’ SISTAS #1 – BEAUTIFUL BLACK POPOZUDAS !

92. BEEPING MISS BUFFY

93. BACKDOOR LAMBADA

94. WALL TO WALL #24 – HELLO TITTY

95. ACAPULCO #1 – MALIBOOBIES

96. BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA MILKMAIDS

97. AFRO-CENTRIX #36 – PUMPIN’ THE PO-PO

98. WHAT’S THE LESBIAN DOING IN MY PIRATE MOVIE ?

99. LUSTY LIFE #89 – SLIDE YOUR LONG LOAF IN MY HOT OVEN

100. ADVENTURES OF THE FART BITCHES

101. Jerk Your Cum Crayon And Color Me White

102. Beverly Hills 9021-Ho !

103. I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus

104. 21 Hump Street

105. Butt Nuggets

106. Sperms Of Endearment

107. Yank My Doodle, It’s A Dandy

108. Hairy Honies #11 – Furburgers

109. Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo

110. Big, Brown, Bomb Boo-Yow Booty, Brazilian Bitches

via Brad Yung