Lessons in Nonmonogamy

What I’ve learned from my polyamorous experiences in the non-Western world

You, me, and this coconut. Photo: BD_VAGHASIYA via PixelBay

Navigating nonmonogamy in any culture can be nerve-racking; navigating it in a conservative, non-Western country—as I have for the past two years—is like building a house with no blueprint. When things are going well, I think of myself as an explorer. Brave! Intrepid! Stepping into the unknown with one flower in my hand and another tucked behind my ear. When things are not going so well, I think, I am such a fool. An idiot! Voluntarily signing up for chaos. I should eat those damn flowers.

Regardless of how long you’ve been practicing it (or where), the challenges of polyamory are, or feel, new. There simply aren’t enough appealing cultural references you can use as working templates for #relationshipgoals or troubleshooting purposes. Sure, King Arthur wanted his wife to fuck his favorite knight and Kunti got impregnated by, like, all the seasons, but how many polyamorous couples do you remember seeing in Love Actually?

Monogamy is predictable and comforting. And don’t tell me that monogamy is equally confusing because love is love and love is confusing. Monogamy is a hole you fall into. Polyamory is a hole you dig for yourself. Here’s what I learned from digging mine.

Lesson 1: It Can Get Lonely

Exhibit A is the Indian concept of jootha, where water and food that have been tasted by someone else are no longer pure and eating them will make you feel icky. (It should surprise no one that this idea extends to that of “impure” women.)

Exhibit B would be arranged marriage, the threat of which is a constant background hum in the lives of most young people I know. They have evolved a fair amount, and shopping for a spouse can often resemble a high-stakes version of dating app roulette, but their basic framework is still that of a traditional romantic relationship: one man and one woman, ideally from the same community, bound for life.

Sexual and romantic purity and having a nice, defined structure around relationships are universal aspects of patriarchal communities, and most of India is patriarchal. This is problematic but survivable—until you realize your actions (as opposed to your views) mean you no longer fit in very well.

One lonely-making concern is that there may not be enough people with whom you can discuss poly-specific issues. People who have been there, done that. There’s the internet, of course, which will give you lots of advice aimed at a Western audience. It’s all friendly and I’m grateful for the counsel, but I live in Delhi, and I miss having a more meaningful cultural context.

Lesson 2: Give Yourself Time

The desire to belong is strong and primal. But you don’t have to select your major life choices just so they fit in with your favorite big idea values. This means you don’t need to be the most progressive ever, or the most conservative ever, or the most whatever-your-thing-is. The good stuff exists in the nice fat spread between the binary. There’s a ton of space between “conservative life of our parents” and “progressive life of endless experimentation.” (These two poles are my personal vexations; your mileage may vary.)

Being nonmonogamous doesn’t mean you need to move in next week with both your husbands and wives. (In fact, the more time that passes, the closer I get to thinking that being monogamish is where it’s at for me.)

I used to think that because I was trying something nontraditional, I needed to be perfect. I had to be the best, most revolutionary love rebel ever. But constant rebellion can be exhausting, and aspiring to perfection is a waste of time.

If you’re trying to figure out what you need to do to become who you want to be, I strongly recommend giving yourself a nice big hug first. Put your heart right in the middle of all that love.

Lesson 3: Get Better at Caring for Yourself

You’re going to get caught up in your partner’s (or partners’) worries about their other partners, even if you’re not actually involved with them. (Who are you kidding? You are actually involved.)

If it gets to be too much, if you’re sitting around wondering whose neuroses you’re holding in your hand, it’s okay to focus on yourself. A nontraditional relationship, just like any other relationship, is not an end goal in itself. Love and relationships are the framework for your life, not the focal point of your entire existence. Yes, you have to put energy into a relationship to make it good, but it should also be energizing for you. Part of self-care is having good boundaries. Establish them. Use them.

I’m also learning how to take more responsibility for my own emotions and actions. In all of my monogamous relationships, it was easy to play a two-person game of catch where we would pass our issues back and forth. In nonmonogamy—through a combination of seeing how other people’s behavior influences me and noting how I found myself upset over the same issues manifesting in different people—I learned more about areas where I could improve. Basically, I got to gather a ton of data over a short time span. I also (mostly—this is all work in progress) stopped expending time and energy hoping other people would change and decided I would first take a look at my own actions and expectations.

Most of these are life skills people learn over the course of their relationships. Polyamory just speeds things up a bit.

Lesson 4: Jealousy Is Not Compulsory

Many of us grow up with a twisted little diamond of jealousy and love burnt together in our hearts. If love is the samosa, jealousy is the aloo. Friends, it does not need to be this way. I discovered that my diamond was actually two creeper plants that had grown really close together so you couldn’t tell them apart. Jealousy and love are different things, and if you’re gentle and careful and slow, you can tease them apart.

On a more practical note: If, like me, you’re hopelessly selfish and require personal incentive not to be jealous, think about all the affection you’ll get from your partner when they know they can be completely honest around you because they trust you to manage your own emotions, just like you trust them to manage theirs. As a bonus, think about all the things you can do when they’re not around.

Lesson 5: You’re Gonna Get Your Heart Broken

People will date you because it’s exciting to do “new stuff,” but when it gets hard they might just realize nonmonogamy really isn’t for them.

Your core values are suddenly mismatched, but you’ve become incredibly smitten with each other. And you’re both angry at everything and everyone. Good luck—and let me know if you figure a way out of this.

Lesson 6: Loving More Than One Person Is Possible

Whenever I’ve had multiple partners, I’ve been afraid of admitting that I was in love with more than one. This was usually because I was afraid of hurting someone. I was afraid that expressing myself openly would mean cutting the other person so deeply they would hate me and abandon me and I would be alone forever and die by myself with bats circling me in a small cave.

This is not always true. Maybe your partner shares your fears. They’ll have fears of their own. Be kind to yourself and others, communicate honestly, and you may be surprised by what you discover.