New York City’s Metropolitan Transit Authority [MTA] is experimenting with a literature program where quotes are delivered by announcement to subway and bus passengers. This is to follow their original, pilot program of displaying poetry placards – successful enough to be copied by other metropolitan transportation services in North America – and complement their public art. What makes this program unique is that the MTA is eschewing traditional, inspirational axioms and reaching for more, well, unusual material. Here is one example of a recent actual Kafkaesque announcement on the New York City subway that incorporated an actual quote from the actual Franz Kafka, from his novel, The Metamorphosis:

“MOVE CAUTIOUSLY THROUGH THE TRAIN AT ALL TIMES.

REMEMBER THAT AS GREGOR SAMSA AWOKE ONE MORNING FROM UNEASY DREAMS

HE FOUND HIMSELF TRANSFORMED IN HIS BED INTO A GIANT INSECT.

THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR DAY.”

Now, Icarus Landing is happy to provide a lovely collection of similarly interesting, uncommon, curious, even weird little literary apothegmatic gems for the MTA [and any other public transportation authorities worldwide interested in duplicating this program]…

SIGMUND FREUD ON THE BUS

MTA bus passengers will be surprised and befuddled when, at 7:45 A.M. soon, the drivers all make this same announcement:

“PLEASE MOVE TO THE REAR OF THE BUS.

RIDING IN A BUS IS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EQUIVALENT OF A LONG REPRESSED DESIRE TO

RETURN TO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB AS SEMINAL SPERMATOZOA PROJECTED FROM A PROGENITORIAL PENIS.

THANK YOU.”

FREDERICK NIETZSCHE ON THE TRAIN

Passengers on the New York City subway may be very startled when, at 7:14 A.M. shortly, the following announcement is made to everyone:

“KEEP DOORWAYS CLEAR AT ALL TIMES.

OUT OF DAMP AND GLOOMY DAYS, OUT OF SOLITUDE, OUT OF LOVELESS WORDS DIRECTED AT US,

CONCLUSIONS GROW UP IN US LIKE FUNGUS.

THANK YOU.”

YOUSSEF AL-SAYIGH ON THE TRAIN

Passengers at all New York City subway stations will be delighted when, at 5:53 A.M. in the near future, they hear the following announcement:

“CAUTION: STAY BACK OF THE YELLOW LINE AS TRAINS APPROACH.

YOU’LL BE SAD TO DEPART THIS STATION AND YOU WON’T BE SAD TO DEPART.

YOU’LL FIND OUT WHY SOON, OR YOU MAY NEVER FIND OUT.

THANK YOU.”

THE MTA ON THE MTA

People at Penn Station waiting for trains at 8:08 A.M. one morning will be both surprised and thoroughly confounded by this announcement:

“ATTENTION:

THE NEXT TRAIN WILL ARRIVE AT 6:00 A.M. REGARDLESS OF WHAT TIME IT IS.”

SOREN KIERKEGAARD ON THE TRAIN

Passengers waiting on all New York City subway station platforms will be utterly dumbfounded by the following announcement when it is made one day at 10:12 A.M.:

“WARNING: STAY CLEAR OF THE TRACKS AT ALL TIMES.

FEAR IS ABSOLUTE. FEAR IS NECESSARY. WITHOUT FEAR WE WOULD ALL BE WALKING AROUND HALF SCARED TO DEATH.

THANK YOU.”

SAMPLE MTA WARNING SIGN, TO BE INSTALLED AT KEW GARDENS STATION:

CAUTIONARY INSTRUCTION: DO NOT PUT YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH ON SUBWAY TRAINS. INJURY MAY RESULT.

CHINESE PROVERB ON THE BUS

Passengers on all Manhattan bound buses are going to be stupefied to hear, at 2:30 P.M. on a Tuesday, the following instruction announced:

“ATTENTION ALL BUS PASSENGERS:

BE SURE TO FIGHT A WOLF WITH A FLEX STALK.

PLEASE EXIT AT REAR.”

MAHATMA GHANDI ON THE TRAIN

MTA subway passengers are going to be drummed into near zombification when, from 6:00 A.M. sharp to noon each day, the following will be loudly intoned every five minutes:

“MONOTONY IS THE LAW OF NATURE. LOOK AT THE MONOTONOUS MANNER IN WHICH THE SUN RISES.

THE MONOTONY OF NECESSARY TRANSPORTATION IS NECESSARILY MONOTONOUS.”

THE MTA ON BUS PASSENGER MANAGEMENT

Passengers on all New York City buses will be shocked and flummoxed when, at 3:43 P.M. every Thursday, they simultaneously hear the following announcement:

“PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE OF YOUR FELLOW PASSENGERS.

MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS. PAIR UP IN GROUPS OF THREE AND LINE UP IN SMALL CIRCLES OF TWO.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.”

CONFUCIUS AT THE BUS STOP

Waiting passengers at the Canal Street bus stop will be perplexed by the following posted quotation:

MAN WHO STAND ON HILL WITH MOUTH OPEN WILL WAIT LONG TIME FOR PEKING DUCK TO DROP IN

FOR PEKING DUCK TAKE 24 HOURS PREPARE TIME WHEN CALL ORDERED AHEAD OF THEN.

SIGN TO BE ERECTED AT THE GRAND CENTRAL STATION MAP DISPLAY:

STUDY ROUTE MAPS THOROUGHLY TO LEARN WHERE YOU ARE GOING IF YOU WISH TO GET THERE AND NOT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

IF UNSURE ABOUT ASKING, DON’T ASK.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ON THE SUBWAY

Passengers on the New York City subway will surely be stunned into physical paralysis when, at 1:56 P.M. on the third week of each month, they hear the following announcement:

“ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS:

REMEMBER NOT ONLY TO SAY THE RIGHT THING IN THE RIGHT PLACE BUT FAR MORE DIFFICULT STILL TO LEAVE UNSAID THE WRONG THING AT THE TEMPTING MOMENT.

TWO WRONG THINGS SAID DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT THING HEARD ANYMORE THAN TWO RIGHT THINGS HEARD LEAD TO A WRONG THING SAID.

TWO WRONG THINGS AND ONE RIGHT THING IMPLIED DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT OR WRONG THING INFERRED AND

TWO RIGHT THINGS AND A WRONG THING PRESUMED DO NOT MAKE A WRONG THING OR RIGHT THING DEDUCED.

NOW ASK YOURSELVES THIS: ARE YOU GOING THE RIGHT WAY OR THE WRONG WAY? OR BOTH?

REMEMBER THAT IF UNSURE ABOUT ASKING, DON’T ASK.

THANK YOU.”

ANONYMOUS FATALIST ON THE TRAIN

During all unexpected delays, passengers on all trains will be maddened by the following announcement to be made at 20-second intervals during the length of the delay:

“ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS:

GOD DIDN’T PROMISE DAYS WITHOUT PAIN, LAUGHTER WITHOUT SORROW, SUN WITHOUT RAIN,

FLOWERS WITHOUT WEEDS, OR ON TIMES WITHOUT DELAYS.

NOW DID HE?

WE NEEDN’T APOLOGIZE FOR THIS DELAY AS IT IS CLEARLY AN ACT OF COMBATIBILIST PREDESTINATION.

THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR DAY.”

CHINESE PROVERB ON THE TRAIN

Passengers on the MTA will certainly be terrified to hear, at 11:07 A.M. presently, the following pronouncement:

“WARNING! DANGER!

DO NOT USE A HATCHET TO REMOVE A FLY FROM YOUR FELLOW PASSENGER’S FOREHEAD!

THANK YOU!”

SAMPLE MTA WARNING SIGN, TO BE SEEN AT THE 128th STREET STATION:

CAUTIONARY INSTRUCTION: DO NOT SHOOT YOUR MOUTH IN THE FOOT. INJURY MAY RESULT.

AFRICAN PROVERB ON THE BUS

Passengers on the Long Island City crosstown running from midnight to 6:00 A.M. may be driven insane but hopeful when the following is interjected between all street announcements:

JEFFERSON AVENUE.

HOWEVER LONG THE NIGHT THE DAWN WILL BREAK.

MAIN STREET.

HOWEVER LONG THE NIGHT THE DAWN WILL BREAK.

PARK DRIVE.

HOWEVER LONG THE NIGHT THE DAWN WILL BREAK.

[etc.]

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE ON THE SUBWAY

Passengers on all New York City northbound trains at 2:22 P.M. everyday will surrender to bewilderment when they hear this announcement:

“ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS:

THIS TRAIN WILL PAUSE TEMPORARILY WHILE THE CONDUCTOR DECIDES IF HE SHOULD

BETRAY THE PROLETARIAT TO SERVE TRUTH OR BETRAY TRUTH IN THE NAME OF THE PROLETARIAT.

THANK YOU FOR WAITING.”