WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted on dumb shit like clean water. “Everyone knows that the EPA would’ve just squandered these funds on stupid-ass stuff like providing potable water to a bunch of fucking kids or whatever if I hadn’t used it first,” said Pruitt, questioning why he should let the EPA fritter away American taxpayers’ hard-earned cash on “useless bullshit” like fuel standards, maintaining air quality, and preventing contamination. “I just don’t understand why people are getting all riled up about me taking personal trips on private jets or trying to get my wife a job at Chick-fil-A—do they seriously want me wasting my time appointing scientists to high-level posts or researching climate change? Ooh, yeah, let’s piss away all our funding trying to uphold dumb crap like physical, chemical, and microbiological parameters, great idea. God, environmentalist people are so fucking lame.” Pruitt added that it was bad enough the agency was throwing away a bunch of cash to clean up Superfund sites that had already been contaminated for free.

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