SALUTATIONS GREGOR: The Satirical Post offers readers the chance to ask their pressing health questions to Health Advisor with Gregor Wolfowitz, a stallion of practical knowledge. We hope you find the below answers as enlightening as we do.

Cindy from Grouse, AR asks, “Salutations Gregor. I’m an expecting mother, is bottle-feeding or breast-feeding healthier for my baby?

Cindy, the answer is neither. The choices you make for your child during infancy will go on to affect the rest of their life. Milk and formula are fine and all but why not give your baby the beverage of a champion? I recommend new mothers turn to Gatorade© for all their newborn’s sustenance needs. If it’s good enough for Florida mothers, it’s good enough for anyone! Each flavor of the sports drink has it’s own unique benefit for the child: Glacier Freeze has the most nutrients but Lemon-Lime is best for an upset stomach. And be sure to stock up on plenty of Watermelon Citrus, it’s vital to cognitive development.

Thomas from Mesa City, NM asks “Salutations Gregor. I love binge-watching television but I’ve heard all that lounging is bad for my health. Is that true?”

Binging of any kind is rarely good for you, Thomas. Fact is, gorging in some form or another is a staple of the modern lifestyle. It would be foolish to attempt abstention. Which is why the only healthy way to binge is to do all your binging simultaneously, in a single block. I recommend setting aside a time every week to both binge eat and binge drink while binge watching your favorite stories. I do it and it’s easily my wife’s least favorite night of the week. Of course, thanks to all my binging, the memory of her unhappiness has effortlessly melted into episodes of Stranger Things. Her discontent is only as real to me as Chief Hopper’s grief over Eleven.

Jean from East Amtrak, DE asks, “I started work at a chemical plant last year, and since that time, my health has deteriorated. Now, my hair is falling out and I worry my employer is responsible. What should I do?”

I’d love to help you, Jean. I really would. This sounds like the sort of health question that could launch me into an Erin Brockovich legal adventure. Two problems: first, I don’t have the cleavage to pull that off. And second, you didn’t say ‘salutations’. So, as my family crest clearly states in excessive alliteration, “He who is without manners is unworthy of the Wolfowitz wisdom”.

Riane from Tickleberry, WA asks, “Salutations Gregor. What’s the best way to get rid of a tape worm?”

It’s funny you ask that, Riane because I’m currently dealing with a parasite of my own. The primary thing is, parasites will never just let it go. You can go to therapy, and you can listen, and you can literally start every sentence with “I feel” but still, that parasite will keep taking and taking. And you’ll think about hiring a contract killer, the parasite will push you to that point. One weekend when the parasite is away visiting her parents, you will drunkenly browse the dark web. You know you’re not going to do it but it’s an option, a way out. Does that make you a bad person? Or does it make you a normal person with a completely understandable breaking point? You tell me, Riane.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Gregor is not a trained medical physician nor is he certified to give out advice on anything outside of bicycle repair, and in rare cases birdhouse assembly. While Gregor will respond to ‘Doctor Gregor’, ‘Love Doctor’, or simply ‘Doc’ that is in no way an attempt to present himself as a medical professional.

To learn more from Gregor Wolfowitz visit our HEALTH page.