I love Etsy. I really do. It’s a phenomenal altar to human innovation, and more, to optimism. Think about the sequence of events that has to go into every single listing: Someone not only conceived of and made every item on the site; but when they finished it, they concluded that out there somewhere was a person willing to exchange actual money for, say, a set of creepy incest-and-murder-themed friendship necklaces. If that’s not the American Dream in action, I don’t know what is. The artisans of Etsy are old hands at exploring new frontiers, so it’s no surprise that they’ve enthusiastically joined into the long and hallowed tradition of seriously weird Star Trek homage, like the TNG pasties above (or their original series counterparts). Strap on your phasers and prepare to explore strange new bow ties, to seek out new hats and new flower pots, and boldly go where no crafters have gone before.

I’m not sure which surprises me more: that someone on Etsy makes Star Trek uniforms for guinea pigs, or that only one person on Etsy makes Star Trek uniforms for guinea pigs. If your guinea pig is a stickler for accuracy in its cosplay, there’s also a version available without the tutu. It’s not as cute, though.

I bet I know what you were thinking while you watched the Zachary Quinto in his first turn as Spock: “He’s pretty cool, but man, you know what would make him ever better? If you could grow plants out of his head.”

Before Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy copulated their way across FanFiction.net, before you could find Dean Winchester and Castiel in flagrante delicto at DeviantArt, generations of Star Trek fans furiously chronicled the erotic adventures of Kirk and Spock. Now you and your “first officer” (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) can channel the original power couple of fan fiction with these paired Kirk/Spock rings. Engage!

Sometimes, a person is lucky enough to hone in on the one thing that really fuels them. For Etsy user niftyknits, that one thing is knitting anthropomorphic meerkats. Meerkats in superhero costumes. Mothers Day meerkats. Meerkats on motorcycles. And, of course, a whole, whole lot of Star Trek meerkats. Did you wake up this morning thinking, “There’s a hole in my life exactly the size and shape of a little knitted meerkat version of Chakotay from Voyager”? Boom. You’re welcome.

Not a meerkat fan? That’s okay. Have some owls. As it turns out, Star Trek-characters-as-adorable-animals is a really, really popular motif. I also found someone who has a whole series of painstakingly crafted Star Trek mice. The detail on these things is astounding: the Uhura mouse even has a teeny mouse earpiece.

It’s hard tending bar for an intergalactic crowd. By the time the Klingons make it to a light buzz, you’ve got a bathtub full of passed-out Vulcans, and your neighbors have called the cops because a couple of trashed Romulans on a moped are trying to do donuts in the street. Keep your alien races’ metabolisms straight and the party running smoothly with the aid of this informatively etched pint glass.

That’s right. I’ve tracked down the holy grail of Trek tees: an insignia t-shirt that a) isn’t modeled after a uniform, and b) doesn’t involve a monochromatic print of the insignia on a plain t-shirt, but c) doesn’t have any characters’ faces photoshopped into the insignia, plus d) features a neat-looking bleach-stenciled starscape. If that’s not enough, check out this one, which features the Enterprise silhouetted against a starscape. Cool, no?

As Michael Bluth would say, the mere fact that you call it your “Tribble” tells me you’re not ready. Seriously, you know how some animals are brightly colored to warn everything else in nature to stay way the hell away? These ”I shave my Tribble” briefs are essentially that, in underwear form.

Next time you disrupt an intergalactic summit, do it in style--original-series style! Channel the would-be assassin in “Journey to Babel” and disguise yourself as a blue-skinned Andorian with this snazzy fleece hat. (The creator claims it’s based on a character from Enterprise, but the Andorians have been around since the original series, and anyway, who watches Enterprise?)

This is not the best Star Trek bow tie I found while researching this article. I was unable to include the best bow tie I found in this gallery, because the seller only had one available, and I bought it, and I’m not sorry. This one’s pretty good, too, though. I also found a lot of clip-on bow-ties, but I’m not going to link to them, because clip-on ties are for assholes.

The greatest commitment a fan can make to a franchise is a tattoo. If you’re not ready to take the big plunge, you can have all the style and none of the permanence with this rad Enterprise nautical-tattoo print from artist Norm Morales. Why don’t more artists mash up Starfleet with old-school nautical imagery? It’s a fantastic idea.

Star Trek: Into Darkness isn’t even out yet, and already the fan art is flying fast and furious. As you wait in line on opening night, you can subtly menace fellow theatergoers with this portentous patch, featuring a quote from Benedict Cumberbatch’s mysterious villain.

Sometimes, when you really care about something, the normal expressions of devotion feel hollow. Sometimes, the only real way to express the depth of your love for your favorite TV show is by menstruating on it. Repeatedly. And that’s when you head over to Etsy and buy a reusable cloth Star Trek menstrual pad.

Remember the guy who made that fantastic Game of Thrones chart? Turns out he’s a Trek fan, too, and he’s made a gorgeous poster spotlighting the original series, as well as a series featuring an individual design for each member of the bridge crew.