Beloveds, I write this in utmost seriousness and without even a trace of hyperbole: the Twitter account of Chasten Buttigieg, cheery husband of presidential candidate Pete "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg "Boot-Edge-Edge", is the only thing keeping me going during this election. Quite literally, if the relentlessly upbeat potential first spouse ever took a social media break I think I would spiral into a pit of despair that only a glint of light from Michelle Obama's Balenciaga boots could pull me out of. This is a serious time and in serious times we need amiable media-savvy Midwesterners who are just happy to be here.

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“Hey! I’ve seen you on Twitter. Aren’t you someone’s husband or something?” pic.twitter.com/X06jQgEP5p — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 22, 2019

Chasten, whose social media presence has what scientists are calling "Lin-Manuel Miranda energy," has seen his Twitter following grow steadily as his husband's campaign has gained steam. And in response Chasten has become a sort of cyber best friend, poking fun of himself, supporting his husband, and going H.A.M. on memes.

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My mother is now sending me memes...of myself. — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 27, 2019

This is, in all seriousness, the best possible outcome for our current political landscape. While the president bullies his enemies and shouts misspelled lies on Twitter, Chasten is over here doubling down on lovable nerd antics and all-around goodwill.



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Well holy Helga Hufflepuff we’ve got ourselves a hater pic.twitter.com/CAusyPuDOQ — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 21, 2019

It's like... he's not even on Twitter. This is not how this platform performs anymore. Somewhere around 2016 Twitter pivoted to being a direct conduit to rage and airline complaints from celebrities. Nevertheless, Chasten persists, painting a picture of a somehow well-adjusted American person in this, the year of our doom, 2019. Remarkable!

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This new exposure can be very weird, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get used to teenagers taking pictures of me and then running away giggling when I look up and see them pointing their phones at me. This is why I can no longer smell deodorants at Target. They’re always watching. — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 20, 2019

It's no wonder, then, that as a nation we bestowed our highest honor on him on March 25th. Yes, I'm talking about being followed by Chrissy Teigen. More sought after than the Medal of Freedom; more valuable than Fort Knox. First line of any obit, tbh.

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One of the things that makes Chasten so appealing (and, not for nothing, draws a comparison to Teigen herself) is that he seems to be both in awe of his spouse and always willing to humanize him with a friendly ribbing, all while continuing to tweet about the things he cares about: Harry Potter, his dogs, and teachers.

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What’s one of the nicest things a teacher has ever done for you? What made a lasting impression? #TeacherTalkTuesday — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 26, 2019

I actually hiked up a mountain, answered a riddle, and gained entrance into a secret cave just so that I could ask a wise oracle my most pressing question: "How is Chasten so happy? Is it yoga? Is it something I can steal, Ursula-style? Hypothetically." He is like a real-life Leslie Knope. Call him Leslie Yup? (I am workshopping this; please stop yelling.) This makes sense as Husband Pete, impossibly young, slightly nebbish, impressively dedicated mayor of a small town, is a real-life Ben Wyatt. This, of course, begs the question who is the Ann Perkins in this scenario? Who is the opalescent tree shark in House Buttigieg? And who is the Ron Swanson? And most importantly, who is the Donna Meagle in this situation? Is it me? Can it be me? I am available to fly to Indiana and shout "Treat Yourself" at strangers at any time. I have already bought a plane ticket. Actually, I'm at the airport; can you pick me up, Chasten?

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I absolutely refuse to make any endorsements of any presidential candidates at this early stage, but I will say unequivocally that whoever wins should appoint Chasten Buttigieg as first spouse. That's how this works, right? I'm not a constitutional scholar but I'm pretty sure that's correct. Another constitutional question: if Mayor Pete becomes president do we have to call him President Mayor Pete? President "President Pete"? Amanda Peet? Please respond ASAPete.

Back to the important matter at hand: Chasten. One of the things I love most is that he's behaving exactly like I would if my husband ran for president. There are, historians say, three ways of behaving when your spouse runs for president. The first option is to adopt a cutting edge fashion sense and speak only in quotes from Jackie starring Natalie Portman as "Jackie." The second option is Olivia Pope-style Manchurian Candidating whilst wearing white and drinking red wine. And the third option is to continue your highly relatable life of meme-ing and tweeting about food.

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Peter: Crushing townhalls in SC

Chasten: staring out the window waiting for UberEats — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 23, 2019

This is, and I cannot stress this enough, me. If my platform suddenly expanded because of my husband's job you can bet your bottom dollar I would spend every moment of my day trying to bully brands into giving me free oat milk and trying to get people to DM me secrets like Nicole Cliffe. This is what Twitter was actually made for. Remember that time Chrissy Teigen used Twitter to get someone to bring her six brown bananas? Keep that same energy forever, please.

Of course, it's not all relatable social media hijinks over here. Chasten also frequently encourages his followers to donate to Mayor Pete's campaign, retweets adorable praise for his husband, and occasionally dips his toe into Inspirational Twitter.

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Here’s your plan for the next 2 minutes:

1. Swipe out of Twitter

2. Look out window (bonus pts for going outside)

3. Focus on one beautiful thing

4. Take in every detail (What are it’s features? Color? What’s it doing? How does it make your heart feel?)

5. Mindfulness complete — Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 27, 2019

I have no official response to this.

I also suspect that he is behind the Twitter account solely dedicated to the antics of the Buttigieg's two dogs, @firstdogsSB. I will not rest until I get confirmation. I will become the Woofward and Bonestein of DogGate.

Honestly, these are the kind of in-depth investigations I'm trying to pay attention to. Everything in the political sphere is so serious and everyone in it is so very obviously evil, the country needs a Very Online Linda Belcher-type to be that friend who is always organizing sip-and-paint nights, who will always cheer you on as you run a marathon, and who could one day plan an incredibly uplifting state dinner attended by Chrissy and John. He is the First Husband we never had, he is the group texter everybody would want, he is the friend that everybody deserves. I don't know a better person. I don't know a better person.

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R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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