Image: Getty

If you’ve been even vaguely tuned in to the overactive Hillary Clinton conspiracy mill over the years, you’ve likely heard about the questions of Chelsea Clinton’s paternity. But for those who haven’t, here’s how this song goes: Bill Clinton is sterile, and Chelsea’s real father is Clinton confidant and federal tax evader Webb Hubbell.

Hillary’s connection to Hubbell goes all the way back to her days at Little Rock’s Rose Law Firm in the late ‘70s (it’s worth noting that Chelsea Clinton was born in 1980). According to a New Yorker profile of Hillary from 1994:

Eventually, Hillary became good friends with two other lawyers at the Rose firm, Vincent Foster and Webster Hubbell. Professionally, the three lawyers were a tightly meshed team. Diane Blair, who has known Hillary since the mid-seventies and is now probably her closest friend, told me, “They were so great together—like basketball players, where they can pass and don’t even have to look.”

The article does go on to say that the bond “was said to be strongest” between Hillary and (the late) Vince Foster. But maybe that’s just what Hillary wanted The New Yorker to think. What’s more, when Bill Clinton ascended to the presidency in 1993, he appointed Webb to U.S. Associate Attorney General. Hubbell later resigned in 1994 before pleading guilty to federal mail fraud and tax evasion.

And according to the reasonably named website GovtSlaves.info, Bill and Hillary had an “open marriage” agreement since the very beginning. GovtSlaves then goes on to note that, though Hillary and Bill might not have been making the beast with two backs themselves, she was getting it on with “Webb Hubbell, Vince Foster, and a string of lesbian lovers.”

Then in 2014, The New Yorker made mention of Hillary and Webb (and Foster) again, albeit in a more tangential way, writing that “the media will continue to find outlandish things to say about her. Headlines on Robert Morrow’s blog have proposed that ‘ CHELSEA CLINTON IS THE BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER OF WEBB HUBBELL AND NOT BILL CLINTON ,’ that ‘ HILLARY WAS HAVING SEX WITH BOTH WEBB HUBBELL & VINCE FOSTER, HER PARTNERS AT ROSE LAW FIRM.’”

In fact, soon-to-be Travis County Republican chair and longtime raving lunatic Robert Morrow has been beating the Webb-Hillary lovechild drum louder than anyone, going so far as to confront Chelsea about it at a book signing last October.

Chelsea sidestepped the question with nary a flinch. She’s clearly her mother’s daughter.

Adding to the rumor’s flames, the National Enquirer reported that former Clinton insider and current Clinton antagonist Larry Nichols claimed to have heard the deep, dark secret from Bill himself in 1984, when the then-Governor Clinton “dropped the paternity bombshell during a conversation the two were having at the Arkansas Governor’s Mansion.”

Supposedly, Bill had mentioned to Nichols that he was sterile. When Nichols then asked about Chelsea, Bill allegedly replied, “Oh, Webb (Hubbell) sired her.” Which is a very believable and casual way to explain the situation.

Morrow even co-authored a book about the Webb baby-daddy rumor (amongst others) with noted racist and dirty GOP trickster Roger Stone, who’s also proven to be a fan of the rumor. Speaking to who else but the Enquirer, Stone said:

It’s important to know who Chelsea’s real father is because it proves the Clinton marriage is a dysfunctional sham. [...] When a reporter reached Hubbell in his Arkansas office and asked if he was Chelsea’s father, Hubbell said, “No comment” and hung up. Why won’t either one of them answer the question?

According to Stone, Chelsea even underwent plastic surgery “not to look better but to conceal Hubbell is her REAL dad!” When those rumors first started making rumblings around the time of Chelsea’s wedding, the amateur conspiracy theorists of YouTube were happy to follow with a parade of Paint-laced, poorly made slideshows.

Image: YouTube

Naturally, scared and angry radio man Alex Jones decided to get in on the fun.

But what about the cold, hard facts? Unfortunately, there are none—other than what we can see with our very own eyes. So to help solve the mystery, I’ve combined the faces of Hillary and Bill and the faces of Hillary and Webb, respectively, using the website Morph Thing, and paired the result with a recent photo of Chelsea.

First up, Bill and Hillary.

Now, Hillary and Webb.

The only conclusive finding: That lipstick does wonders for Bill’s complexion.