

Use a colorful stock photo to attract readers’ attention.

For more than a month, the present author has waged an on-again, off-again with a very persistent ear infection — a condition itself which appears to have developed owing largely to the dimensions of the author’s left Eustachian tube, which is roughly the size of an infant child’s. That’s the medical explanation distilled to its essence, at least.

A week of antibiotics did little to address the problem, initially. A second week — in this case, of steroids administered both orally and by way of the ear canal — helped some. The most recent treatment, however — of a second, more efficient antibiotic (according to the doctor) — has produced tangible results so far as the health of the ear in question is concerend. What else it’s done is to cause within the author’s body a condition that isn’t but ought to be known as Gastrointestinal Melee 5000.

Indeed, a brief inspection of the fact sheet for the drug in question reveals that users of same frequently observe selles molles. An exercise in euphemism, is how one ought to regard this.

At the very least, this (admittedly minor) ordeal has created a flimsy pretense upon which it is now possible to produce Internet Weblog Content. It has occurred to the author that it might be amusing to attribute to each major-league club the most common “side effect,” as it were, of cheering for same.

To construct such a list, here’s what the author has done:

Arranged all 30 teams in order of 2013 winning percentage. Matched those 30 teams, in order, with the 30 top-selling prescription medications. Attributed the most common side effect of each drug (per WebMD) to the “matched” team. Utilized the HTML code for an “ordered list” to create this ordered list.

So, for example: the Cardinals finished the 2013 season with the top record in baseball (tied with Boston, at least). Nexium, designed to treat acid reflux, is the top-selling prescription medication on the market. The most common side effect of Nexium, according to WebMD’s database, is headache. Hence, by this infallible methodology, the most common side effect of being a Cardinals fan is headache.

In the event that the most common side effect of a particular drug had already been accounted for, then the second-most common one was used, and so on — such that all 30 teams might have their own unique and weird and occasionally appropriate side effects.

Here’s the finished list, in the form of an awkwardly proportioned table:

Team Most Common Side Effect Angels Pancreatitis Astros Gas Athletics Throat irritation Blue Jays Kidney disease Braves Muscle pain Brewers Chest pain Cardinals Head pain Cubs Dizziness D-backs Drowsiness Dodgers Itching Giants Swelling Indians Abnormally low blood pressure Mariners Indigestion Marlins Incomplete bowel movements Mets Low blood sugar Nationals Infection of the whole body Orioles Acute infection of the nose Padres Ovarian failure Phillies Blurred vision Pirates Dry mouth Rangers Joint pain Rays Widening of blood vessels Red Sox Feeling of restlessness with inability to sit still Reds Abnormal liver function Rockies Visible water retention Royals Hemorrhage Tigers Redness Twins Fluid retention in the legs, feet, arms or hands White Sox Fluid in the heart Yankees Depression

And here are some notes — delivered in the form of an unordered list, this time: