The Big Ten, in the interest of protecting athletes from commercial exploitation, works hard to make sure you know about its #brands. For instance, I got a Dr. Pepper out of the pop machine at the Big Ten Tournament today, but since Dr. Pepper isn't the official drink of the Big Ten, I had to pour my Dr. Pepper in a cup that says "B1G."

My Dr. Pepper is now safely in a B1G cup, to save amateurism and all. pic.twitter.com/X2HgFKvADC — Kevin Trahan (@k_trahan) March 12, 2015

If you walk around the United Center this week, you'll find that the Big Ten has official #brands for pretty much everything. Including ...

The OFFICIAL Wild Bird Food of the Big Ten Conference

The Big Ten has only one bird mascot — Herky the Hawk — and actually, the Iowa Hawkeyes are named after a character from The Last of the Mohicans, not the bird. Tom Crean is sometimes a bird, but I'm not sure that counts, either. While I'm sure there are many birders in the Big Ten, as there is no B1Ger activity, this one might be a little over the top.

Official Hardwood Floorcare Provider of the Big Ten ® Conference

There are two really fun things going on here. The first is that the Big Ten® makes the people who sweep the floor underneath the basket wear these green jumpsuits. What's even better is that the words "Big Ten" have to have a trademark symbol. In a sentence! Not even in the logo!

OFFICIAL LUXURY AUTOMOBILE OF THE BIG TEN

Hey, did you hear that BMW is the official automobile of the Big Ten? Well that would be wrong, because this is the Big Ten, where we drive only LUXURY automobiles with our multi-million dollar television contracts. JIM DELANY DOESN'T DRIVE A COMMON CAR. HE DRIVES A BMW M6 CONVERTIBLE DAMMIT!

This is perhaps the most incredible #brands pairing in college sports. When Jim Delany drives to New York to visit Rutgers, he parks that M6 convertible at a Motel 6.

OFFICIAL CONFERENCING SERVICES PARTNER

Did you know that "conferencing services partner" was a thing? Well, now you do!

Official Physical Therapy Provider of the Big Ten Conference

OK, maybe this isn't that weird. But the only reason it doesn't seem that weird is because all the other ones are f*cking crazy. Does the Big Ten need an Official Physical Therapy Provider? Probably not. But does it need one more than an Official Wild Bird Seed? Absolutely.

#FindYourAOAgent?

I don't think Auto Owners Insurance is the official insurance company of the Big Ten, and the conference is also sponsored by Allstate. But I just wanted to point out the hilarity of putting #FindYourAOAgent on the scoreboard at a basketball tournament. To be a fly on the wall in that meeting ... "Hey you know what people do these days? Hashtags. Let's make a hashtag."

So I searched #FindYourAOAgent and ...

NOT A SINGLE PERSON TWEETED THE HASHTAG! NOT EVEN THE COMPANY!

Come on, Auto Owners. Do better.

THE BIG TEN'S PREFERRED ATTRACTIONS IN CHICAGO

None of the logos were big enough for me to read. I will never know which attractions the Big Ten thinks you should spend money on in Chicago.

But if there's one thing I now know, it's that the Big Ten has successfully used its sponsorships to shield me from paying any attention to the 27-19 first half of the Iowa-Penn State game. And for that, I would like to salute the Big Ten Tournament: The Official Provider of Bad Basketball in Chicago.