The Tennessean reports that the Metropolitan Development and Housing Agency's Design Review Committee has approved this large townhome development in East Nashville's Five Points. The images of the proposed complex, on the site of a former car lot next to The 5 Spot, were released last month. But now that a design review committee — or rather, the Design Review Committee — has signed off on it, we're weighing in on the design.

Wow, folks. It's bad. The planned complex from M Cubed Development will consist of townhomes — which is zoned for long-term housing or short-term rental — and a roughly 1,500-square-foot retail space. (They're also at work on developments on Jefferson Street in North Nashville and on Music Row.)

What's the worst part? There's a lot to choose from.

The Way They Look

Image: M Cubed Developments



I don't like looking at these buildings. It is as if someone somewhere about a decade ago decided to contract with a factory that kicks out one style of condo-apartment-townhome that only requires some assembly and can be easily thrown up all over town. While I was shouting about this in the office just now, my colleague, the Scene's art director, wondered aloud: "Why doesn't anyone just build classic brownstones?" A good question for a committee to consider.

This Mural

It's important to remember that this is just an artist's rendering of the proposed development. So the mural here could actually be much worse! One assumes this is just a stock-art mural — like most murals am I right? — but it's fun to try to figure out what it's an image of. Are these various flavors of ice cream? The ghosts of a family of dead multicolor rabbits?

While I was shouting about this in the office just now, my colleague, Scene culture editor Erica Ciccarone, chimed in: "The last thing Nashville needs is another garbage mural polluting our urban landscape."

Putting Urban Outfitter Art on the side of this wall is intended to let the residents know that they live in the heart of Nashville's Creative District and, just as important, help visitors populate their Instagram feeds. These murals have become such generic signifiers of some kind of vague Hip Artistic-ness that they are to public art what Instagram filters are to photography.

With no disrespect to the illustrated family standing in front of it, this is a strong candidate for worst part of this development.

The Introduction of Whiny Neighbors Next to The 5 Spot

Look at this place. If I had to guess, given the location and a variety of other factors I've considered, I'd say these townhomes are going to be priced in what I like to call the Goldilocks Range — a price point that attracts tenants who are young enough to make their relative wealth confounding, but old enough to complain about the rock music next door. If you don't think some of these new residents or weekenders are going to want to speak to the manager at The 5 Spot, I have a pedestrian bridge in the Gulch to sell you.

"But the music venue is already there and has been for sometime," you say. "If you buy a townhome next door, in the middle of a city, you should expect to hear some noise."

To which I say, may I introduce you to the people who complain about hearing trains or concert noise from Ascend Amphitheater.

This Angle

Image: M Cubed DevelopmentsTownhomes descending down Main Street, ceaselessly into the night. While I was shouting about this in the office just now, my colleague, Scene reporter Stephen Elliott, remarked that from this vantage point the complex looks like what happens when you win in solitaire. Scene editor-in-chief D. Patrick Rodgers noted that it looks like the back of a wireless router.

Parking

You say this complex will take the place of a neighborhood eyesore, we say it will eliminate a favorite place to park.