Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was blind and deaf.



The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.



Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.



Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.



A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damn!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damn' say 'God help us'".

The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".



What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.



What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?

An embarrassing situation



Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

She was a schizophrenic



How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her



What's the deal with airline peanuts?

The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.



How do you make a Swiss roll?

Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.



What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.

One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a shopping bag.



How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low.



A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.



A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

Nobody says a word.



A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.

The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.

"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."

"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar?"

She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.

"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"

She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.

"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"

"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."

Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly alone.



An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender's name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man's mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.



What's the difference between a duck?

I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.



What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand?

A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.



Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.



A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.



How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.



Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?

The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.



There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.



As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.