I Quit Dating Apps.

Five Times.

The story of a tortured relationship — with a happy ending.

By

Jan. 20, 2020

You’re 24 when you get seriously dumped for the first time. It’s the kind of dumped that leaves you couch surfing with friends watching old episodes of “Top Chef” on repeat and inhaling bags of mini stroopwafels from Trader Joe’s. It’s also the kind of dumped that propels you to scramble back to your hometown with a month’s notice after spending six and a half years building a meaningful life in another city.

You cry a lot, forgo makeup for a few weeks, and then, because of the arrogance of youth, you decide that you’ll meet someone better in mere months (before your ex because, yes, this is definitely a race). You’ll try a dating app! People use them now; it’s normal! You move to the Lower East Side and download OkCupid and set off a near-decade-long journey — of seeking ultimately fruitless partnerships.

Still 24: You go on a few dates with an exceedingly nice man who went to college with Lena Dunham, a fact in which you feign interest, and with whom you see “Force Majeure” at the Angelika (it’s fine).

You invite him to the Christmas party you’re hosting with your roommate because as you are making a crème Anglaise for the cinnamon ice cream that will accompany a pumpkin pie (which you also baked) you suddenly intuit that your ex has already moved on and is celebrating Christmas with his new partner. (Future you: You were right, he did move on first). You decide this nice man should meet your oldest friends because you two are ready for that.