This was obviously an April Fool’s joke, but since some of y’all are a little slow,

here is the real Riot Fest 2017 lineup.



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – 04/01/17

RIOT FEST ANNOUNCES 2017 LINEUP

WYLD STALLYNS FIRST SHOW SINCE 1991, CRUCIAL TAUNT AND REX MANNING AMONG HIGHLIGHTS OF STAR-STUDDED LINEUP

3-DAY PASSES ON SALE NOW!



Chicago’s Riot Fest has just announced the hotly-anticipated lineup for its 2017 edition, and it’s literally unbelievable. Riot Fest has solidified its reputation as music festival pioneers, thanks in part to the unique experiences they curate, such as last year’s very public hatchet burying between Jem & The Holograms and their rivals the Misfits. Therefore, the international music community has been on the edge of its seat, popcorn in hand, patiently waiting to see which of everybody’s favorite bands are reuniting, who’s playing everybody’s favorite albums in their entirety, and which hot young up-and-comers will be the next big thing.

The festival, now in its 13th year, is remaining true-to-form by pulling off one of the biggest coups in history: they’ve inspired Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan to end their bogus fued and reunite Wyld Stallyns on stage for the first time since 1991. Bill and Teds’ wives Elizabeth Preston and Joanna Logan have come out of retirement/15th century London to join the rest of the original lineup, which includes bassist Death as well as the universally-acclaimed percussion skills of Station, and will close out the festival with what will surely be a truly excellent performance for the ages.

Also of considerable note, classic rock stalwarts Stillwater will be playing its 1973 breakthrough third album Farrington Road in its entirety for the first time ever. The album (and accompanying honest and unmerciful Rolling Stone cover story) propelled the band from mid-level arena band struggling with its own limitations to headlining the first Riot Fest in 2005 at Chicago’s Congress Theatre.

In other reunion news, Britpop darlings Drive Shaft propelled to the top of the pops in the early-2000s with the driving hit “You All Everybody” before bassist Charlie Pace’s plane went down somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Having presumed his brother dead along with the rest of the world, Drive Shaft’s abrasive front man Liam Pace (who in no way was named after the singer of Oasis) has been touring with his new band Beetie Aye. Since Charlie’s surprising return home last year, Drive Shaft has been writing and recording again, and Riot Fest will be the first stop on their upcoming world tour.

The long-rumored reunion of Locash rap supergroup CB4 has not materialized, despite rumblings to the contrary. The group was rumored to play its highly-controversial and influential 1993 album Straight Outta Locash in its entirety at Riot Fest this year, but the lone holdout in the group, leader M.C. Gusto – who once, as you’ll recall, fucked ya wife ‘cause da bitch is a big ho – has once again decided to sit on the sidelines. But all is not lost, because Stab Master Arson and Dead Mike will each be performing full sets of solo material, to be followed by a long hike.

In other Riot Fest 2017 booking highlights, Marvin Berry & The Starlighters will play that new sound you’ve been looking for, Citizen Dick’s early-90s grunge rock will sound as relevant as ever, and the perpetual “Will-they-or-won’t-they?” of Marnie & Desi is sure to keep the crowd on the edge of their lawn blankets. Also, in a surprising turn, The Lone Rangers are able to play their first show since 1994 since their prison sentences for kidnapping and trespassing are up and the hair-rockers are now free men. And to speak to recent reports in the press, it is indeed true that all of the female Riot Fest employees will be contractually obligated to watch Rex Manning from the side of the stage, despite the fact that the view and sound are much shittier from that spot.

Full lineup listed below. 3-day passes are on sale as of April 1st, and you can purchase them here. You’d be a fool not to.

WYLD STALLYNS – Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

CRUCIAL TAUNT – Wayne’s World

REX MANNING (PERFORMING BACK WITH MORE IN ITS ENTIRETY) – Empire Records

THE ONEDERS – That Thing You Do!

STEEL DRAGON – Rock Star

STILLWATER (PERFORMING FARRINGTON ROAD IN ITS ENTIRETY) – Almost Famous

ZACK ATTACK – Saved By The Bell

MARVIN BERRY & THE STARLIGHTERS – Back To The Future

THE LONE RANGERS – Airheads

DINGOES ATE MY BABY – Buffy the Vampire Slayer

DEWEY COX – Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

SEX BOB-OMB – Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

THE BE SHARPS – The Simpsons

BLACKIE & THE RIFF RAFF – General Hospital (John Stamos)

DRIVE SHAFT – Lost

STRANGE FRUIT – Still Crazy

INFANT SORROW – Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him To The Greek

BARRY JIVE & THE UPTOWN FIVE – High Fidelity

SONIC DEATH MONKEY – High Fidelity

MOUSE RAT – Parks & Rec

MYSTIK SPIRAL – Daria

CRUCIFICTORIOUS – Friday Night Lights

AUTOBAHN – The Big Lebowski

THE DREAMETTES – Dreamgirls

CITIZEN DICK – Singles

LIMOZEEN – Homestar Runner

FAITH PLUS ONE – South Park

SADGASM – The Simpsons

FÜNKE’S 100% NATURAL GOOD-TIME FAMILY BAND SOLUTION – Arrested Development

ANGEL DAVENPORT – Idlewild

CAPTAIN GEECH & THE SHRIMP SHACK SHOOTERS – That Thing You Do!

THE KINKY WIZARDS – High Fidelity

MARIE DE SALLE – High Fidelity

FIGRIN D’AN & THE MODAL NODES – Star Wars

VULTURE – Full House

STATON-HOUSE BAND – Roadies

STAB MASTER ARSON – CB4

DEAD MIKE – CB4

THE STYLE BOYZ – Popstar

THE FABULOUS STAINS – The Fabulous Stains

CONSTANT MASTURBATING ROCKER – Airheads

THE JERK-OFFS – Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

FINGER BANG – South Park

BAD BLAKE – Crazy Heart

HERE COMES TREBLE – The Office

THE BEETS – Doug

WYCKYD SCEPTRE – Mr. Show

DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH – Saving Silverman

UPTOWN GIRL – Step Brothers

THE AIN’T RIGHTS – Green Room

THE PINHEADS – Back To The Future

BRIAN SLADE – Velvet Goldmine

DEACON DARK – The Love Boat

JIMMIE MOORE – The Wedding Singer

THE DUKE SILVER TRIO – Parks & Rec

GUS POLINSKI & THE KENOSHA KICKERS – Home Alone

THE SHITTY BEATLES – Wayne’s World

SPARKLE MOTION – Donnie Darko

SCRANTONICITY II – The Office

SIDEBOOB – Orange Is The New Black

ROBIN SPARKLES – How I Met Your Mother

THE GOOD OL’ BOYS – Blues Brothers

CHEMICAL TOILET – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

LICORICE COMFITS – High Fidelity

THE MOE SYZSLAK CONNECTION – The Simpsons

M.C. SAFETY & THE CAUTION CREW – The Simpsons

THE FOUR PETERS – Family Guy

THE ULTIMATE LOSERS – Slacker

JIMMY DICK & THE NIGHT STICKS – Married With Children

DIMENSION – Freaks and Geeks

THE LOVIN’ TOUCHIN’ SQUEEZINS – Scrubs

THE MOSQUITOS – Gilligan’s Island

FUTURE VILLAIN BAND – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

THE HEARDSMEN – That Thing You Do!

JESS ROBIN – The Jazz Singer

NO VACANCY – School of Rock

TWAÜGHTHAMMËR – Breaking Bad

PHLEGM – The Brady Bunch Movie

WAY, NO WAY – Friends

KIRK VAN HOUTEN (PLAYING CAN I BORROW A FEELING? IN ITS ENTIRETY) – The Simpsons

MARNIE & DESI – Girls