It's time I told y'all a story about RWBY. Sit back, relax, get some water, clear your ears, and prepare your brains. This one is a doozy.

Like all good RWBY fanfictions we gotta start it off with Jaune and the story of a young male who learns about liking girls. You see, Jaune was the coolest boy of the mall. To his dismay, he could barely control his PP. Tremors rattled his jeans, prompting him to reach into his pants and pulled out the physical letters "PP." Tremors rattled his jeans, prompting him to reach into his pants and pulled out the physical letters "PP." It shook violently in his hand, trying to lunge itself at every woman in sight.

"Hey, stop that!" borked Jaune.

He scolded his PP for committing acts of rampant misogyny. His PP apologized, and calmly slipped back into Jaune's pants. Now enlightened, it no longer subscribed to the rhetoric of Remnant's Patriarchal influence. Who the king of said Patriarchy was, let alone the identities of any of the kings of the "kingdoms" in Remnant, was a question only Jinn could answer. Jaune uses his psychic powers to read the script, and decided to take the Relic of Knowledge to a dinner date. He eventually summons Jinn to answer all King-related questions. Together they dined on a steaming helping of Mozzarella sticks. By the end he politely pulled out his PP letters and Jinn pulled out her VaJayJay letters in kind. They clinked the two together as if toasting with drinking cups. Impressed by Jaune's etiquette and respect towards women, Jinn was more than willing to disclose information of Remnant's kings. She pulls out the list, gets out her reading glasses, and the scene inconveniently cuts away just before any of us can hear who they are. I guess Miles and Kerry are saving that for a later Volume or for the fans to read in some text in a RWBY mobile game.

Now we gotta introduce a girl to fulfill our quota. You see Yang waking up after a cozy night in bed. She violently turned to disturb the girl peacefully sleeping next to her. Said girl was a stranger that she's literally never met before, but Yang didn't care. The girl notices Yang rumbling in the bed and wakes up screaming at the blonde who had invaded her home and apparently slept in her bed (Goldilocks reference but there's a few bears missing. I think Yang killed the parents in Volume 1 over a bowl of oatmeal). The girl throws pillows at Yang in hopes of scaring her away. Bumblebee, Yang's personal spaceship, crashes through the mystery girl's home. Yang mounts it by pressing [E], blows a kiss to the mystery woman, and then takes off into the sky. Like a good neighbor, Glynda Goodwitch was conveniently there to reassemble the damage to the girl's home. The Professor started frantically throwing all the debris back into place just like in the LEGO games. The house was repaired, but she could never repair the mystery girl's emotional damage. She was mentally scarred by the sight of Yang's Poser boob jiggle physics. Now that's a LEGO set best handled by psychologists ages 9-12.

Speaking of jiggle physics and psychological trauma, we go now to Beacon Academy to talk about faunus racism. Velvet's ears bounce up and down as she walks through the cafeteria. The physics engine wasn't finished this early in the show so her ears just kinda stretch erratically in all directions with each bounce. In the distance, Cardin rubbed his hands together all evil-like since he was looking forward to bullying the faunus once again. Velvet sees Cardin sitting at his usual table. Why she always walks by here specifically no one knows. Seriously, those gits sit at the same table everyday. She could easily walk elsewhere, any other walkway, yet here we are strolling down bully alley. When Velvet gets close enough Cardin immediately presents a basket full of Easter Eggs, eggs that she spent all her time hiding the other day. All of her effort was completely wasted. What an asshole that three-time Easter Egg Hunt gold winning champion Cardin.

Velvet let out a defeated sigh. She didn't need to deal with this today. She decided to take my advice and walk elsewhere by clipping through all of the background elements. This wasn't her first time phase-walking, and in fact it was a tactic she once used in RWBY Volume 1, Chapter 11 at the 4:07 time stamp. She travels to the courtyard where she would eat, and then never clean up her garbage afterwards. Like, used napkins and everything just blowing away in the wind. Like look, Cardin was a grade-A dickhead, but at least he didn't litter. The coffee cups Velvet gets aren't even biodegradable. Probably why she's getting bullied. I suppose in the end this part of the story wasn't about racism after all.

Now we gotta cut to the villain of this story. Sadly, she isn't here. She did leave this note though:

"Will be gone for a while doing evil things in the background. I swear that I'm a threat to the protagonists. Don't think about it too much.

3 Cinder Fall

P.S. The narrator reading this is a handsome man."

Aww, how sweet. What a good villain that Cinder. I guess we'll catch up with her shenanigans later.

Hey look, there's Yang in the distance, riding in on her spaceship just like she was earlier. She lowers Bumblebee to the floor and jumps off of it. Several segments of Bumblebee begin to readjust. The transformers sound effect plays as the ship converts into a more humanoid form. A door from the middle of the body opens, allowing Blake to walk out. Smoke blows outward from inside as the faunus exits the chamber. She coughs obnoxiously while waving the thick smoke away. The smoke, feeling insulted, refuses to go away and gets breathed in by Blake even more.

*cough* "Why do I have to be the spaceship?" she complained.

"Because it's called Bumblebee. It only works because you love it when I ride you. In an explicitly sexual way mind you." Yang replied, winking at the audience.

Bellydonna blushed, but in a slightly tsundere way. It was true, but she refused to acknowledge the smug blonde. In retaliation to the quip, Blake majestically flops into the ocean to hunt fish. Yang holds up a small sign with a "10" printed on it. Suddenly, she's startled by a guttural roar. She turns to find an Ursa behind her. It was the child Ursa from the Goldilocks story line. Y'know, the one about the two parents bears that I mentioned earlier:

(Goldilocks reference but there's a few bears missing. I think Yang killed the parents in Volume 1 over a bowl of oatmeal).

The baby Ursa was a big boy now, the scarred son bent on revenge. Leave it to Yang to create a brand new villain of her own I guess. You know a character is going places when they make their own villains. Angered, the Ursa throws down his Black Sun shirt and the two square off with one another to start off our first action sequence. The Ursa charges for his initial attack, but Yang is quick to counter. She grabs his nuts in a disabling hold, her signature move and arguably her true semblance.

"What a gripping battle!" Yang punned terribly.

She tries to give the Ursa a cheeky peck on the nose, but it quickly licked her face like the pokemon move. She let go of the Ursa to wipe her face off in disgust. Now free and a bit miffed, the Ursa ran home worriedly holding his pained sack. How embarrassing for him. He probably could've clobbered her, but honestly a pained sack is nothing to scoff at. Nurse those cohones my brother.

Yang seemed disappointed. "Aww, but we bearly got to fight."

Adam, who is in this story now, throws a train at Yang. Her chest cushions some of the impact but isn't enough to stop the soaring vehicle. He defeated her, succeeding where the Ursa could not. The next day the media claimed that Yang was injured in a naturally occurring train crash. Believable, it was a common thing after all.

In an interview with the news crew, Adam looks directly into the camera saying: "Remember kids, it's totally cool to hit women." and then leaves.

Watching the news from her dorm, Ruby heard Adam's words and then peered at Weiss. The heiress was minding her own business before Ruby clocked her right in the face without warning.

"Huh" Ruby said. "That does feel cool."

Weiss angrily got up and drew her sword. She cast ice dust at Ruby to freeze her for comedic irony. She then drew a comically sized mallet from out of nowhere and then slammed it down on Ruby. The ice shattered, scattering in all directions. The stricken Ruby lay as a flattened cartoon style imprint on the floor. Weiss, now triumphant, fashioned her side tail into a crown shape. She stood strongly, chest out and hands on her hips, as she proclaimed herself the new Queen of Violence. Sunglasses floated down from above and were graciously adorned upon the new Mistress of Disaster. Ruby would bow, if not for her current status as a pancake. Ruby says "Hail, my Queen" right as Blake walks in with a freshly caught fish in her mouth. The faunus promptly kink-shames the two before leaving, the fish still flopping in her jowls. Ruby begged Weiss to restore her back to normal, but the New Matriarch of Brutality simply flips Ruby over so that she is less audible. There would be no Oompa Loompa song for this caped huntress.

After witnessing Ruby and Weiss' strange kink scenario, Blake went to settle down in the Beacon courtyard for the evening. She spit the fresh fish into her hands, and stated "I will now proceed to pleasure myself with this fish." before eating the creature like a feral raccoon. She wiped her mouth, licked her hands like a cat, and then spinzaku-ed into the sunset.

So ends our story about RWBY. I hope you all stayed relatively un-nauseous throughout that reading. Maybe you felt a bit of throw up in the back or your mouth, or maybe your body is just becoming intolerant of all the junk you consume. Like this fanfic you're reading right now. I certainly didn't force you to finish reading this. You've only yourself to blame for your current state of health. Read good fanfics like Blade Sparticus: Grimm Destroyer all you children at home. Get out of here and go make good life choices like not being a filthy litterer. Only then can you be an uncontested Easter Egg Hunt Champion like Cardin or a Majesty of Tragedy like Weiss.