MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel—a frenzied mélange of poppy, sesame, onion, and garlic seasonings fit to titillate only the most depraved palates. “I’ll have an everything bagel,” proclaimed the local advertising salesman and wanton pleasure-seeker in a declaration akin to that of the infamous Roman emperor of unbounded licentiousness, demanding that not one or two but seven distinct coatings adorn the baked good for no purpose other than his own trifling amusement. “Can I get that with veggie cream cheese, too? Thanks.” At press time, the lusty sybarite was adding a Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango juice to his order—a sinful orgy of exotic fruits that only the most reprobate of libertines dare even consider—in a final flourish of intemperance wholly in step with his bottomless, perverted cravings.

Advertisement