WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying they deeply regretted their role in his unsightly appearance, clothing manufacturer Hanes apologized and pulled all their T-shirts from shelves Wednesday after seeing how local man Brian Armstrong looked in them. “All of us at Hanes are truly sorry these tagless cotton tees were allowed to go to market when it was immediately clear from looking at Mr. Armstrong that they simply didn’t pass muster,” said CEO Richard A. Noll, adding that the company was offering a full refund not only to Armstrong, but also to anyone else who might have seen him in the shirt. “The awkward fit and unflattering proportions that you see on this man are not what this company stands for. Please know that we are currently in the process of a top-to-bottom redesign, and I can personally assure you this type of oversight will never happen again.” At press time, Hanes promised to accelerate production of the improved T-shirts after horrified onlookers noticed Armstrong no longer had anything to wear.

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