Listen: the crazy bullshit is coming fast and furious these days. Weird moments that would have permanently stained whole careers only years ago are allowed to sail right past, because we lack the mental bandwidth to really process them. Remember when Howard Dean made a strange noise with his mouth that one time and it was the top story on every news network for a full week? Remember when Dan Quayle thought potato ended with a silent e and hey real quick tell me a second thing about him, see, you can't.

I bring this up because on Wednesday, a gorgeously awkward moment unfolded in front of us, and it would be a crime on the level of treason if I didn’t allow you to savor it the way I have. It was from Wednesday afternoon’s cabinet meeting, after our president was asked whether Russia was still targeting the United States, as our country’s entire intelligence apparatus has concluded that it is, and he replied “No.” Twice. Our president’s press secretary later insisted that by “No,” the president meant “No further questions,” even though a) that’s not a way he’s ever said that thing before, and b) he took further questions.

Watch the first 30 or so seconds of this video.

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The weird thing happens right when he starts talking about how well we are doing with Russia: both very well and very well, probably as well as anyone has ever done, even presidents who don’t speak to the press with their arms folded in front of them like toddlers who will not eat one more bite of peas. “All you have to do is look at the numbers,” he tells us, “and the ambassadors not there, and unfortunately what happened in Syria recently.” A strong case, elegantly made.

Right now, I should tell you a firm “No,” which means: “No, none of the above is the weird thing,” even though you and I both know that if Hillary Clinton had ever said anything this disjointed and nonsensical it would be the only thing we would know about her.

The weird thing is at just around :18. Let me take you there:

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You guys, just after disavowing the findings of his own government’s intelligence community, the President of the United States says, to nobody in particular, “I love you, too.” Seriously. Listen again.

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“I love you, too.” I mean, I suppose it is possible that one of the assembled reporters mouthed a simple “I love you” to the President while being shuffled out of the room like cattle. Maybe Melania was just dropping off the Baconator she’d picked him up at Wendy’s while she was out running errands, and gave him a quiet little air-mwah on the way out. Certainly, these are things that happen all the time.

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But my explanation feels like the right one: our president has a happy place, a little mental safe haven where he can retreat when a tough day inexplicably shredding the post-WWII world order gets him down. That refuge is a campaign rally, a thing he is still regularly having 18 months after his election. A place where his most ardent supporters can shout their love for him like kids at a BTS show, and explode into loving applause at whatever crosses his mind and then leaps unobstructed from his mouth. A place where he is adored. A place where he is right.

The walls are closing in, the dogs are getting closer, and the places in this world where Donald Trump is adored and right are disappearing from the earth quicker than the rainforest. Right now he’s down to just one, and it’s inside his own head. Out here, he is compromised. Flailing. Weak in front of the entire world. But inside: "We love you, President Trump! We looooove yooooou!"

Can you blame him for clinging to it? Can you imagine a boy like him, at a time like this, doing anything other holding onto that love so tightly that it feels real? So real you have to acknowledge it? So real you have to speak it back? On live television, to nobody, in a cabinet meeting?



It’s pathetic, but I get it. Plus, it’s either that or the guy is just literally hearing voices in his head, and my theory freaks me out a tiny bit less.

Either way, Donald Trump absolutely said “I love you too,” to nobody, in the middle of a press event in the Cabinet Room. I mean, all you have to do is look at the numbers:

Dave Holmes

Dave Holmes Editor-at-Large Dave Holmes is Esquire's L.A.-based editor-at-large.

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