I’ll start with saying this book is not my style, but that definitely doesn’t mean I don’t recommend it. I don’t care for her chirpy prose and thought the book read a lot like the internet courses I review, which is not a compliment. Still, it is good to have information out there presented in diverse ways and if you aren’t a woman who is comfortable with sex talk, the tone could set you more at ease reading it.

As a sex educator, I’m really pleased there are more books out there geared particularly towards women, because I agree with Dr. Mintz; many of women’s sexual challenges and hangups are born of cultural programming, especially LDS women. She does give a quick nod to the particular problem with the religious effect on how women take on sexual shame around their own desires and pleasure, but she’s addressing a longer and broader problem on the emphasis on intercourse being the sole focus of sex. This is because men can usually climax through the stimulation of penetrative intercourse, which makes sense for males, given the vagina receives their ejaculate to procreate our species.

That’s problematic for women’s pleasure, though, because anatomically, the part that most reliably gets us off, the clitoris, is located away from the vagina, the canal where intercourse is happening. Sounds obvious, right? I think so, but then, I’ve been teaching this for so many years that it comes as no surprise that a large majority of women don’t know their own parts, can’t name them correctly, don’t know their function, and have never looked directly at them. The ladies courageous enough to say the word vagina aloud in a crowded room are often referring to their vulva instead. I’ve many times thought the words are so awkward and guttural sounding that they do not reflect the beauty of our parts.

LDS women know very well that masturbation is considered taboo, something to confess and repent of performing or never attempting it from the start. So, this book is valuable for the candid way the author deals with debunking myths around it (yes, it’s very healthy for us in so many ways). In order to help our partners know our bodies, it’s useful to know it ourselves first. She is also matter-of-fact on techniques and resources to practice figuring out what works for each woman personally.

Take aways I heartily endorse: A woman’s pleasure/climax is every bit as important as her partner’s. Faking for the sake of getting it over with or saving a man’s ego is not the key to good sex, nor is it self-affirming for the woman concerned- you’ve essentially just co-signed the pleasure gap. Porn emphasizes only the key points to get men off, not women. This leads many women to believe they are abnormal for not climaxing through penetration when only a small percentage are able to (realistically about 15% and even then, it’s probably indirect stimulation of the clitoris helping us out). Hookup sex doesn’t usually go as well as sex between familiar partners who know each other’s bodies and favorite ways to orgasm (unless the woman is blatantly honest with the new man and shows him what she needs.) Women are as guilty of slut shaming as men and it needs to stop. Women are every bit as entitled to enjoy consensual casual sex as men are. It’s okay to orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone, enjoy penetrative sex too, or any combination you like. Body dysmorphia or simple self-consciousness over nudity can hijack being present and relaxed enough to orgasm. Focusing exclusively on the potential dangers/negative consequences of sex can create undue anxiety. I like the fact she addresses the fact that women have more orgasms when having sex with other women, simply because they pay more attention to the parts which pertain to female pleasure. Also, the truth that having sex with orgasm as the goal can set up a couple for anxiety too- better to have the intention to make each other feel good in ways that are more likely to lead to climax but realize the experience isn’t a failure if it doesn’t. (Men don’t always orgasm either and deal with plenty of other mood killers too.) It’s been my experience as well that the majority of men really want you to have a good time in bed with them.

Among the criticisms: Very little play is given to the problem of sexual abuse recovery but she does name some resources to explore. In fairness, an entire chapter would not suffice in this department; it’s too complex, but it’s important, given the high percentage of women to whom it’s relevant. Her mantra of the clitoris being the guarantee to orgasm is overplayed. There are women who have a difficult time regardless of following the most detailed advice and much trial and error: they could end up frustrated and feel abnormal rather than focusing on forms of pleasure that still make sex enjoyable. Passing mention of intersexed persons speaks to the variation in genitalia, but again, I understand Mintz might be leaving that complexity to more targeted resources. I completely acknowledge the truth of a general need for more attention paid to clitoral stimulation and becoming a sexual partner who is versed in how to do it and teach her partner what feels best.

There is a chapter for men to read, that essentially tells them what you may have a difficult time bringing up, especially if you number among the women who have chosen to fake orgasm for whatever reason. It can effectively launch a necessary conversation, especially if a man received the bulk of his education through viewing pornography or, he was too embarrassed to seek any instruction at all (could apply to plenty of LDS men who bought into purity culture just as strongly as many of the women). The fussy reader in me thought that I could have read that chapter too and been fine with that- she condensed the key points right there. Yet, the neuroscience I’m immersed in every day emphasizes how the brain learns through repetition, and if this is new information, or you’ve been raised on a steady diet of sexual shame, it’s probably a very positive feature of this book that she does repeat herself so much. The reader might be fighting anxiety over imagining putting the information to use and then, even more so bringing it up to her partner. So, again, the tone of the book might allay some of those jitters with some chuckles at some bad puns.

It’s a really good place to start. It’s a quick read and has the vital information, including giving people permission to define the kind of sexual experience that most appeals and makes it more likely to create mutual pleasure. I also agree with the idea that if sexual incompatibility can’t be resolved, it’s completely acceptable for women to move on from that relationship. Lack of generosity or willingness to compromise in bed to give a woman an experience comparable to what a man expects to have denotes the probability of some larger problems out of bed too. That’s something women don’t hear often enough.