Good afternoon everybody: Somebody else was supposed to be writing this report but they've cried off sick, so I'm stepping up to the plate. Apologies in advance if my knowledge of the Japan national football team isn't all it should be.

Team news from the news wires: David James is handed his first England start for 13 months in England's final World Cup warm-up international with Japan in Graz. The Portsmouth goalkeeper last featured in Fabio Capello's starting 11 for the World Cup qualifier with Ukraine at Wembley in April 2009. His only action for his country since then was when he replaced the red-carded Robert Green in the return meeting with Ukraine in Dnipro in October.

James and three Chelsea players - Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard and John Terry - return after being rested for the win over Mexico after their involvement in the FA Cup final. Tom Huddlestone, as confirmed yesterday by England coach Fabio Capello, is given his first start in a bid to make a late claim to be part of the final squad of 23 for South Africa. The Tottenham midfielder had previously been used as a substitute against Brazil in Doha and against Mexico.

England: David James, Glen Johnson, Ashley Cole, Tom Huddlestone, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Theo Walcott, Frank Lampard, Darren Bent, Wayne Rooney, Aaron Lennon.

Japan: Seigo Narazaki, Atsuto Uchida, Yuji Nakazawa, Tulio Tanake, Yuto Nagatomo, Junichi Inamoto, Makoto Hasebe, Shunsuke Nakamura, Keisuke Honda, Daisuke Matsui, Shinji Okazaki.

A hastily researched/plagiarised "bit" about England's opponents: Japan are in Group E at the World Cup, where they'll play the Netherlands, Denmark and Cameroon. They qualified for South Africa 2010 with a 1-0 win over the mighty Uzbekistan last June. Eight of their starting line-up ply their trade in the J-League, with Makoto Hasebe (Wolfsburg), Daisuke Matsui (Grenoble) and Keisuke Honda (CSKA Moscow) being the three who take foreign coin. English and Scottish readers will of course be familiar with Junichi Inamoto (ex-Arsenal, Fulham, West Brom and Cardiff) and Shunsuke Nakamura (ex-Celtic).

Not long now: The teams emerge from the tunnel in the APC Arena in Graz, with England wearing red shirts and socks, with white shorts; Japan's are kitted out in all blue.

1 min: Japan kick off, playing from left to right. According to Fabio Capello, there are three places in his 23-man squad up for grabs today, so peripheral players like Darren Bent, Tom Huddlestone and Aaron Lennon will be very eager to impress.

2 min: On the edge of the final third, Darren Bent leaps highest to flick a long ball from Tom Huddlestone into the path of Wayne Rooney, galloping through the centre. He's forced right and wide and instead of trying a shot from a narrow angle, he squares the ball for ... nobody. Seigo Narazaki in the Japan goal gets an early touch.

4 min: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is the first time Lennon and Theo Walcott have lined up in the same England team. With Tom Huddlestone quarter-backing the ball out to such pacey wingers, Darren Bent and Wayne Rooney could fill their boots this afternoon.

5 min: "So considering Ireland probably aren't going to make this World Cup who will you be supporting?" asks Gerry Scott. "And who will your money be on?" Probably aren't going to make it? You sound cautiously optimistic that they might still have a chance. God bless your optimism. Should Ireland fail in their efforts to make it to South Africa, I'll be supporting Diego Maradona's comedy Argentina outfit. My money - all £15 of it - is on Germany at 16-1. It's a bet I placed with little confidence, but I thought it was a good price.

GOAL! England 0-1 Japan (Tulio 7) How do you like them apples, eh? England's defneders decide to take an afternoon nap during a corner and are punished by Japan's centre-back Tulio Tanaka. The ball was pulled back low and hard to Tanaka by Yasuhito Endo.The centre-half had stolen a march on Glen Johnson and swept a low drive in at the near post with a first-time effort from 15 yards. Capello will be furious with that slack marking. To make matters worse, Ashley Cole was standing on the post, presumably to assure himself of a good view of the ball as it fizzed past him on its way in.

9 min: England are all over the place here - a byword for haplessness. Okazaki evades John Terry and sends a curler high and wide of David James's right upright.

11 min: Glen Johnson is having a shocker here. Under no pressure whatsoever, he attempts to ping a cross-field pass to John Terry, but ends up shanking the ball into Row Z.

14 min: Japan attack again, with full-back Yuto Nagatomo galloping up the left flank. Johnson intervenes, conceding a throw-in.

15 min: Japan win a corner, this time from the left. It's whipped in to the near post, ricochets off a defender and bounces across the penalty area. With assorted England defenders waiting for somebody else to deal with it, Tulio Tanaka pounces and tries another shot, which is cannons off Rio Ferdinand.

17 min: Tom Huddlestone is penalised for a foul on Okazaki, who goes down injured. The ball's kicked out of play to allow the physio on to treat him. He'll live.

18 min: Aaron Lennon misses a great opportunity to draw England level after being put clean through on goal by a marvellous weighted pass from Wayne Rooney. England's three-pronged attack converged on the Japan back four, with Rooney in the centre. He waited and waited before threading a pass to Lennon between full-back and central defender. The Spurs winger shot straight at the goalkeeper.

21 min: England win a free-kick on the right flank, which Frank Lampard swings into the miser. The ball takes a deflection off a Japanese head and goes out for a corner, which is wasted.

23 min: England were dismal in the first half of their recent friendly against Mexico, but are even worse here. This performance is truly shocking. Sloppy passing, terrible defending and a prevailing air of lethargy ... they're unlikely to get away with this kind of nonsense in South Africa.

25 min: England win a free-kick about 40 yards from the Japanese goal and Japanese goalkeeper Seigo Narazaki doesn't bother organising a wall. Frank Lampard tries his luck and the goalkeeper spills the ball into the path of one of his own defenders, who puts it out for a corner.

27 min: From the corner, Frank Lampard flashes the corner across the edge of the penalty area, where Darren Bent had shaken off his marker and jumped highest. His bullet-header is well off course and sails off in the direction of the corner flag.

28 min: England win a free-kick in the left channel, about 30 yards from the Japan goal. This time Narazaki assembles a wall, which does its job well.

29 min: Playing alone up front, Japan striker Okazaki is giving John Terry and Rio Ferdinand plenty to think about. He's making plenty of well timed, mazy, jinking runs in his efforts to latch on to the long raking passes being sent his way from midfield.

30 min: From just inside his own half, Rio Ferdinand plays a long, 45-yard pass into the Japan penalty area. Goalscorer Tanaka heads the ball straight up in the air, prompting his goalkeeper and Darren Bent to contest the dropping ball. Bent wins the header bravely, but can't steer his effort on target. Wide.

33 min: With Theo Walcott patrolling the right wing and Aaron Lennon on the left, you'd have expected a lot more from England than they're showing here. They've improved a bit in the last 10 minutes, but the manner in which they're wasting possession is pitiable. Even Rooney's caught the bug - pinging a pass intended for Tom Huddlestone straight to the feet of Yuto Nagatomo.

35 min: Matt Stratford has mailed to let me know I've been doing Japan goalkeeper Seigo Narazaki an injustice - he's not playing because his understudy is being given a run out. "The Japan keeper is Kawashima, not Narazaki (who was in goal against Korea last week though)," writes Matt. Apologies for the error - the team-sheet I purloined from a rival website appears to be wrong.

38 min: Rooney's playing in a withdrawn role in behind Darren Bent this afternoon, a position in which you might expect him to thrive. But with the exception of his marvellous pass to Lennon earlier, he's not been playing at all well.

39 min: Just to prove me wrong, Rooney performs yogic heroics in an attempt to divert a wayward Tom Huddlestone shot from distance into the Japan goal. The ball flashes wide of the left upright.

40 min: Japan win a free-kick on the left flank, which Tanaka fizzes across the face of goal. The unmarked Okazaki arrives too late to poke the ball home and it sails wide. Observer columnist David James admonishes his sleepy defenders with a loud "For fuck's sake!!!"

42 min: I hope Observer columnist David James doesn't kiss his mum with that potty mouth.

43 min: Theo Walcott springs to life, turning left-back Yuto Nagatomo inside out before drilling a low, hard cross a little too close to Mr Kawashima in the Japan goal.

Half-time: After a pitiful first half effort, England's players traipse off for a well-earned rollocking from their manager. Not a single one of them can claim to have played well against a Japan side that is hard-working and well organised, but nothing special.

Half-time analysis: "Worst three players of the first half?" writes Kevin Hunter. "My choice, in reverse order, would be Ashley Cole, Theo Walcott and Glenn Johnson. Special mention to Huddlestone and Bent - on another day they'd have done enough to make the list." I couldn't disagree with much of that, although I think you're being a bit harsh on Bent, as he hasn't had much service and has at least been trying. I'm going to nominate John Barnes, because I've just him reprising his World In Motion rap in the shameful new Mars advert. Judging by the gut on him, I'd say he got paid in Mars bars. Where's the dignity?

Carl Smith writes: "The current US edition of Esquire described the England team as 'stoic and fatalistic to the point of self defeat'. I would describe them as spoilt and flattered to the point of self delusion. The well-rehearsed post-match 'we can play much better' argument is wearing a bit thin."

"I watched Japan get absolutely dominated by a well-organised South Korea side on Monday night," writes Matt Stratford. "The commentators were trashing the lot of them for appearing not to care. The England boys must have thought this would have been a walk in the park." Interestingly, Japan were 15-1 to win this match - a ludicrous price fuelled by ignorance, stupidity and jingoism, I suspect.

Second half: Mass England substitutions: Joe Hart, Jamie Carragher, Joe Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Steven Gerrard on, David James, Glen Johnson, Tom Huddlestone, Theo Walcott and Darren Bent off.

46 min: I think England are lining up for the second half with Aaron Lennon on the right wing, Shaun Wright-Phillips on the left and Joe Cole playing in behind Wayne Rooney. Gerrard's slotted in to the centre of midfield in place of Huddlestone and Joe Hart - unsurprisingly - has gone in goal.

48 min: Steven Gerrard brings a smart save out of Kawashima with a long-range rasper.

49 min: "Will an unfavourable result against plucky little Japan shock people into realising they've all been duped by all those 'Maybe, just maybe' adverts?" asks Taylor Hanton, before answering his own question. "Maybe, just maybe. But probably not."

50 min: Japan win a free-kick just inside the England half, for some misdemeanaour on the part of Frank Lampard.

51 min: Keisukle Honda brings an excellent fingertip save out of Joe Hart with a fizzing drive from distance, which the goalkeeper is forced to tip over the crossbar. The goalkeeper gets no credit for his excellent save, as the referee signals for a goal-kick. Don't worry, Joe. I saw it, even if Fabio Capello and the ref didn't.

53 min: England corner, which Steven Gerrard whips in to the near post. Joe Cole tries to get the flick on, but is outmuscled by two defenders.

55 min: Frank Lampard wins a free-kick for England on the edge of the penalty area on the left-hand side. He takes it himself and shoots the ball into the wall, where Honda - he has a great engine - blocks it with a raised arm. That's a penalty for England.

55 min: LAMPARD MISSES FROM THE SPOT! For the second time in a row, Lampard misses from 12 yards. He tried to place the ball in the bottom left-hand corner, but Japan goalkeeper Kawashima guessed correctly and saved well. I suppose if Lampard wanted to put a positive spin on things, he could argue that it's an improvement on his recent FA Cup final effort against Portsmouth, which he put wide.

59 min: "The John Barnes advert was bad, yes, but what about the utterly surreal Ladbrokes ad with Ian Wright-Wright-Wright and Chris Kamara cavorting around in what appears to be make-up copied from A Clockwork Orange?" asks Rachel Clifton. "I'm still reeling." I missed that one, Rachel, I'm pleased to say.

60 min: Steven Gerrard sends Wayne Rooney on his way with a well-timed defence-splitting through-ball. The linesman flags, incorrectly, for offside.

61 min: There's a bit of a lull, after an entertaining screaming match between the two managers on the touchline. Fabio Capello took exception to one of the Japan players going down as if he'd just been shot after getting a bit of a hand-off in the face from Jamie Carragher.

64 min: Wayne Rooney has a pop from 25 yards, the ball bounces in front of Kawashima in the Japan goal, but he saves well.

65 min: There's a pause while John Terry receives treatment after picking up a knock. "He's not a man who goes down easily," says ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley, who clearly doesn't read the tabloids.

66 min: Japan substitute striker Morimoto, who has just replaced Okazaki, brings a marvellous save out of Joe Hart after more slapstick defending. England failed to clear a ball that dropped into their penalty area, allowing Moramoto all the time and space he needed to control the ball, turn and shoot from 15 yards. Hart's reflex save was excellent.

68 min: More great goalkeeping, this time from Kawashima. Wayne Rooney looked to have levelled the score with a speculative curler from distance that was heading straight for the top right-hand corner until the Japan keeper clawed it away with the fingertips of his right hand.

69 min: Japan have just brought on another substitute - Matsui - who I had down as part of their original starting line-up. My preperation for this match was shabby, to say the least, even by my own low standards. Again, my apologies.

GOAL! England 1-1 Japan (Tanaka og 71) Tulio Tanaka scores his second of the match - steering a Joe Cole cross from the right past his own goalkeeper with an unstoppable diving header. That's two belters he's scored now.

76 min: Apologies for the delay in bringing you news of that goal - I'd typed a large tract of flowery, descriptive text which vanished into thin air when I tried to launch it on the interweb.

76 min: Aaron Lennon makes way for Emile Heskey and England switch to 4-4-2, with Joe Cole moving across to the right. Due in no small part to Cole's contribution since coming on at half-time, England have been vastly improved in this second half. I think leaving him at home would be a huge mistake on the part of Fabio Capello.

80 min: Emile Heskey wins a free-kick wide on the right, deep in Japan territory. Gerrard curls the ball across the face of the penalty area and Japan clear.

81 min: Good play by England, who go close to taking the lead. Gerrard cut in along the edge of the penalty area, gave to Rooney and darted forward to pick up the return pass. He attempt to bring the ball around Kawashima, but the goalkeeper got down to smother it at his feet.

GOAL! England 2-1 Japan (Nakazawa og 82) That's just comical - I thought Tanaka had got his hat-trick there, but it was his fellow centre-half Yuji Nakazawa who sliced the cross past the unfortunate Kawashima this time, with Ashley Cole providing the assist.

86 min: There's a thunder storm raging over the stadium in Graz at the moment and the rain is bucketing down. The pitch is getting very slippery as a result and assorted players are having difficulty staying on their feet.

88 min: Japan win a free-kick about 35 yards from the England goal, which Honda sends motoring over the bar.

89 min: That's a sensational miss from Emile Heskey, who somehow contrives not to score from two yards out, with the ball hovering in front of his face practically imploring him to head it past Kawashima. The Aston Villa striker closed his eyes, swung his head and managed to make no contact with it whatsoever. I am honestly not exaggerating when I say that I would have been gutted not to have scored having been presented with an opportunity that gilt-edged. Heskey was unmarked, the goal was gaping and the cross was inch-perfect from Steven Gerrard.

90+1 min: Seriously. What is Emile Heskey for?

90+3 min: Steven Gerrard seems to have picked up a knock and is hobbling around gingerly. As England have used all 45 of their substitutes, he can't be replaced, but it doesn't matter because the referee is going to blow for full time any second now.

Full time: Peep! Peep! Peep! It's all over. Despite not scoring any goals, England pull off a fairly unconvincing 2-1 win over game Japan. Their first half performance was dreadful, but they made some effort to redeem themselves in the second period. Eye-catchers? Wayne Rooney, Joe Cole and Joe Hart, who looks very assured in goal despite his international inexperience and should - in my humble opinion - be England's No1.

Post-match analysis: "OG had a great season with Manchester United and is continuing his form at international level I see," writes Lila Proof.

"I freely admit to not being a tactical genius in the mould of a Mourinho or Guardiola," writes Tim Travers. "But might England's plan 'B' of giving the ball to the opposition and hoping they score for them seem a bit flawed?"

"I had a bet going with a Japanese friend here who was unusually unpatriotic, in that every Japanese goal meant a free beer for me," writes Humphry in Tokyo. "Help me persuade him that those last two count."

"That was kamikaze defending by the Japanese," writes Christopher Faulkner. How the devil did I not think of that?