Well… that all happened.

Not to be glib, but “Last Rites,” the latest episode of Once Upon a Time, is such an onslaught of feels and emotional whiplash that I’m still having trouble digesting it, over a day later.

There are a few things about the episode that I really do like, but those points are heavily outweighed by the stuff that had me approximating the below .gif reaction as I watched the episode.

So, on that note: Here, for your snarky reading pleasure, are the ten pressing questions I’m left with as we head into next week’s two-part season finale.

1. Why did Robin have to die?

This, of course, is the big one.

Robin Hood was grossly underutilized for the better part of this season. Truly, he’s never had much to do other than be manipulated by Zelena-as-Marian and act as the redemptive light at the end of the tunnel for our beloved Regina. Now, thanks to Hades’ crystal rod of death, Robin is simply caput.

Just in case we are confused about how dead Robin is, given that we just spent this entire Underworld arc dealing with folks whose mortality was a bit ~flexible~ (to say the least), the show clarifies– Robin is super-duper, real-talk, there’s-no-coming-back-from-this-seriously dead.

Or, as I like to call it, the Joss Whedon mega-death. It’s a special kind of death trotted out in a show that has a tenuous concept of mortality; it leaves you feeling extra unsettled because the show is not ambiguous about whether there’s any sort of potential resurrection in place for the dead person. There’s just… not. It’s a soul-destroyed, they-exist-nowhere-now kind of dead. The worst kind of dead there is, basically.

Given the finality of Robin’s death, which essentially eliminates any chance of a resurrection even later down the road (“No, we really mean it this time, you guys!!”) and how grumpy Robin’s portrayer Sean Maguire sounds in this interview, I can’t help but think he must have pissed off someone on the writing staff.

Robin’s death, at lame-o Hades’ hand, is disappointing in so many ways. Obviously, the writers never quite knew what to do with Robin after getting him and Regina together– hence his foray into the forest to protect his baby for the better part of the Underworld arc.

He was underutilized for basically his entire tenure. His death appears to be the show’s attempt to sweep a character they perceived as “failed” under the carpet (a la Arrow‘s recent Laurel Lance death). It’s annoying because he could have been a very strong character! Sean Maguire is a very good actor. If only they’d done, I don’t know, anything at all with him.

Even worse, Regina’s happy ending is, once again, ripped out from under her.

The show has time after time made a huge deal out of the uniqueness of true love, the once-in-a-lifetime special sort. We already knew that Daniel, Regina’s first one true love, was dead, but once the show decided to fully redeem Regina, they gave her Robin.

Robin was trotted out as some kind of special exception to the rule, just for Regina. See, guys, we love Regina, the show says. Regina is lucky enough to have two true loves!

So much for all that. If they pull some third true love from out of nowhere, it would cheapen both her two prior true loves and the show’s larger concept of true love altogether. I can’t see it working well, but perhaps they’ll surprise me.

What does this mean for our formerly-evil Queen, then? Is Regina not going to get her happy ending at all, now? Is she going to get it solely in the form of her family? I mean, that’s fine, I guess. She has Henry (ugh), Zelena (also sorta ugh), and Robin’s two kids. But everyone else on this show gets a romantic soulmate! Why doesn’t Regina?!

So much of this “shocking death” twist is incredibly disappointing and rote, though the performances of both Sean Maguire and Lana Parilla are wonderful in this all-too-abrupt death. I was never the biggest Outlaw Queen ‘shipper but I liked them together.

If the writers attempt to backpedal and claim that Robin wasn’t Regina’s soul mate after all, I’m calling foul.

2. What is the point of Merida being around?

Honestly, I’d completely forgotten that Merida was still in Storybrooke at all.

When the rest of Team Heroes gets back from the Underworld, Merida is busy helping Snow retrieve an escaped Arthur. Then, when everyone turns their focus to defeating Hades, she’s right there at the library with them, researching. But she doesn’t attend Robin’s funeral and we don’t see her again after that, so ostensibly, she just pops up whenever she feels like it and disappears whenever the mood strikes?

Merida’s presence isn’t intrusive, per se, it’s just sort of a waste of screen time. If the show is going to keep characters around, it might as well do something with them, y’know?

3. Why did Hades send King Arthur to the Underworld?

King Arthur is another character that I’d completely forgotten about until he ran, shackled, straight into Hades and did that goofy slip-and-slide thing. When Hades encounters the prisoner king in the opening moments of the episode, he kills him immediately. Why? That seems like a good way to tip off everyone in town that he’s up to no good.

Unless, we’re going to return to the Underworld at some point to see the results of Arthur’s plan to clean up that kingdom and rule it as the leader he was meant to be, there is literally no reason why he wound up there in the first place.

It’s pure plot contrivance.

Someone needs to be there to assist Hook with his journey to find the Underworld version of the story book Who else would have had the idea to look in Hades’ throne for the missing One Ultimate Weakness pages besides a king, I guess…? Hook needs to have his hero moment, where he saves his adventure-bro from the rogue River of Souls spirit They need to wrap up Arthur’s character arc and send him packing

So, voila: Hades nonsensically sends Arthur straight to the Underworld and Arthur nonsensically turns into a hero in record time, for no discernible reason other than to fill the above plot requirements.

It’s this kind of weak plot device that really sticks out to me, with characters behaving uncharacteristically simply to further the story.

4. Why is Belle’s father willing to let her remain comatose rather than wake her, allowing her to be conscious and capable of making her own decisions?

Seriously! Sexism at its finest. Patronizing in its most literal sense.

Of course there are myriad issues with Belle continuously returning to Rumple, even after he’s lied to her for the forty-seven millionth time. But she’s a grown woman and therefore entitled to make her own decisions.

Belle’s father has always been problematic and kind of a jerk, so it’s not terrifically surprising that he’s done this. It does make me wonder why Belle was so confident her father would wake her before she went under, though.

5. How guilty is Emma going to feel now that she’s gotten her true love back at the cost of Robin’s life?

So guilty, right? This is like the fifth time that Snow and/or Emma inadvertently wrecks Regina’s life. I don’t see Regina relapsing into her dark ways because of this (she’s come too far and knows Robin wouldn’t want that for her), but at the very least, I’d think she’ll be slightly ticked off at Emma for a bit.

6. Is anyone else sick to their stomach over the fact that Robin apparently didn’t even get to see his son again?

If Robin and Roland had a reunion, it’s on the cutting room floor. Robin is gone for weeks, on a mission in the Underworld to save his girlfriend’s ex-stepdaughter’s daughter’s dead boyfriend, and the next time little Roland sees his father, the man is in a grave. That is awful.

7. On a lighter note, where did Zelena and Regina get those amazing funeral hats?

Regina is grieving but she looks damn good doing it. Zelena’s hat game is always on point, but it looks like as part of their newly-regained sisterly bond Zelena is passing along pro hat tips to her little sis.

8. Why can’t I stop grinning over that Captain Swan reunion, even though I’m seriously so upset by how they’ve torched Regina’s happiness?

This one is rhetorical. I know exactly why this moment is so striking.

Jennifer Morrison and Colin O’Donoghue have amazing chemistry. JMo in particular plays grief and devastation incredibly well. Emma’s heartbreak as she pays a final farewell to Hook at his grave is so visceral and moving.

It’s this heightened emotion that makes their sudden reunion so powerful. Emma doesn’t even hesitate to run straight into Hook’s arms, not even taking a second to ask him what’s going on before kissing him passionately. This moment is going straight to the top of our all-time best Captain Swan moments.

I’m so relieved and pleased to see them reunited that I can almost overlook a few of the many issues with Hook’s sudden resurrection including:

How is Hook corporeal? Emma is standing over his body, in a grave. Did Hook just get a new body?

If Hook got a new bod, why does he still have a hook? His return from the dead doesn’t come with a new hand upgrade? I get hung up on these minutiae.

This is so abrupt. There are no strings attached to this resurrection? None? That’s it? We spent weeks and weeks in the Underworld when getting Hook back literally took four seconds of Zeus’ time?

9. Why does the OUAT incarnation of Zeus look like a college sophomore wearing a bargain bin Party City costume at a toga party?

Self-explanatory.

10. What is Rumple up to?

With Hades permanently destroyed, Pan permanently destroyed, Cruella relegated to the mayor of hell, Arthur relegated to the king of hell, and Zelena redeemed, Rumple is our only baddie left in town.

With two episodes left this season and that very foreboding chat Rumple had with Hades’ ashes, the Dark One is clearly going to be up to something devious. Now that he’s retrieved the Olympian crystal from Hades’ remains, his first stop will obviously be to awaken Belle with it.

But what then? “Last Rites” has the kind of action you’d expect in a season finale. So what’s going to go down in the actual finale?

What did you think of this episode of Once Upon a Time? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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