Valve Software have moved to reassure alarmed players that the upcoming changes to the way the Steam Store and review system function will not result in increased transparency or accountability.

“Let’s be absolutely clear about this: we will continue to remain utterly opaque,” stressed Valve’s CEO and Senior Inscrutability Officer, Gabe Newell.

“How does Steam even work? Who knows. What happened to Half-Life 3? Another great question. Why did we annihilate this game’s review scores but leave this one’s review scores untouched? Life is full of mysteries.”

Newell paused briefly to allow himself to be photographed for use in several memes, before continuing.

“It’s very important that everyone understands just how impossible we are to understand.”