Photograph by “kees Straver” Flickr

The snowdrops were blooming in the garden, a few less this year though, really that just signified the whole sadness of the situation.

Still their beauty and unambiguous form was unmistakable and their presence did once give hope for better things to come…..

She loved the birds, their songs of grace and allure, fascinating her mind still with memories because sound evoked thoughts in her mind whilst all around was losing her day by day….

A tiny mouse ran from under the bird house she laughed and smiled and just for a split second I saw her again. With the weak late Winter sun cascading around the now bare flower beds it made me think of times gone by, painful to remember of happier times, fun, laughter and normality!!

If only we could turn back time just for one day….. To tell her I love her, to tell her what a wonderful job she has done, how much she is needed still, though is now unspeakably, now its all too late……

Inside she went with crochet hook and wool in hand in that world only she now inhabits, memories held from times even before my existence I fear..

“Have you seen my bracelet, I’m sure someone has taken it” she exclaimed in anguish tones.

“No one reaaaallly…… I mean no I haven’t sorry mum, maybe its in your bedroom”

Remembering to not get her upset because in her world now, people regularly visit and take things from her home. It pays to agree for with disagreement only comes mood swings and even worse problems……

Keeping memories from flowing today seems hard, the flood gates of moments lost can’t open not when she needs stability and care. Anger usually follows but today feels different, feels like a sadness is taking me under because its apparent, oh so apparent I’m losing her, no I scream inside but deep within, my realisation can’t hide anymore, times lost are now but in body she is here….

I’m losing her…….

Another snippet of the cruel disease that’s Alzheimer’s. I’m seriously thinking of writing a book based on my experiences.

Mandy.x