QUEENS, NY—Promising to pass the blame in a professional and timely fashion, Sunnyside neighborhood landlord Bob Recine assured his tenants Wednesday that he would devote all possible resources to determining exactly why several sudden and mysterious leaks in their ceiling were not his fault. “Don’t even worry about it, I’ll get to the bottom of whatever thing besides my shoddy workmanship and my use of low-quality plumbing is causing this—I’m sending my most equivocating guys up there to find out exactly what went wrong and how, probably, you caused it,” said Recine, 61, who also instructed his tenants to “just shove a bucket” under the five-gallon-per-hour leak until maintenance could inspect the pipes at an unspecified time this weekend. “If I can’t get back to you with an elaborate excuse in about five days, then feel free to call and remind me how I’m not responsible for any of this shit.” In further developments, the leak has stopped for no apparent reason and with no action taken by Recine, who has in turn assessed the tenants a $275 surcharge to cover maintenance costs.

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