PRINCETON, NJ—Highlighting the small woodland creature’s ability to set long-term objectives and competently follow through on them, a Princeton University report released Thursday found that a local 2-year-old eastern chipmunk had crafted a far more secure and responsible future for itself than 8 out of 10 Americans.

Researchers stated that the striped 7-inch mammal displayed a degree of foresight and determination far exceeding that of the average U.S. citizen. In contrast to most Americans, the chipmunk was said to routinely work toward meaningful goals in an orderly and decisive manner without procrastinating for days on end, melodramatically sighing and complaining, or becoming immediately sidetracked by emails or online videos.

“During our 15 months of observation, we found that this chipmunk was better able to formulate plans, execute them, and ultimately enjoy a more balanced and stable life than a full four-fifths of the U.S. population,” said lead researcher Caroline Meehan, noting that the 3-ounce creature possessed sounder judgment and greater self-control than an estimated 250 million Americans. “Indeed, this chipmunk was able to accurately anticipate its wants and needs as far as weeks, months, or even a year ahead of time, whereas 80 percent of our human subjects were entirely incapable of looking beyond their next meal or that night’s television programming.”


“And when this chipmunk identified an obstacle that stood in the way of its goals, such as a branch blocking the entrance to its burrow, it would use problem-solving skills and take action to surmount it,” continued Meehan, “unlike the overwhelming majority of Americans, who just sat down and gave up at the mere hint of adversity.”

According to Meehan, when the chipmunk decided it needed to construct an underground shelter, the rodent simply performed the necessary digging quickly and efficiently, never pausing to go out with its chipmunk friends, take a nap, or eat for a few hours out of pure boredom. When researchers presented Americans with a similarly time-consuming task, nearly a quarter just stood there in the hope that someone else would come along and take care of it, another 20 percent quickly convinced themselves the task didn’t need to be performed at all, and more than one in three feigned illness or exhaustion in an effort to get out of it.


Researchers also repeatedly witnessed the small quadruped stuffing its cheeks with seeds and nuts and depositing them in one of its subterranean chambers for consumption during winter, displaying an inclination toward saving resources for the future that had “almost no behavioral equivalent” among U.S. citizens.

“While most Americans live an hour-to-hour existence based solely on satisfying immediate impulses, this chipmunk is able to realize that giving into its basest whims would ultimately be self-destructive,” said behavioral psychologist Alistair McKay. “Frankly, a 2-year-old chipmunk knows better than to eat its entire store of berries in one sitting because it tastes good or just lie in its nest until noon because it doesn’t feel like getting up. Americans would be well served to watch this chipmunk and follow its example.”


McKay also noted that the brown-furred creature’s well-crafted plans for the future extended to its families as well. The researcher stated that the chipmunk devoted a considerable amount of its time and resources toward raising productive and well-rounded young, as opposed to many American parents who were repeatedly observed exhausting their disposable income on updating their cell phones every several months and then spending nearly all of their free time engaging with these products instead of their offspring.

The report confirmed, however, that the small subset of Americans who do exercise the same level of forethought and determination as the 2-year-old chipmunk are affluent, healthy, and largely content.


“By putting the same amount of thought into their lives as this chipmunk puts into foraging for sunflower seeds, for example, a relative handful of Americans have been able to adequately prepare their children for college, build up a sizeable base of credit, avoid obesity and chronic disease, and even put enough money away to retire at age 65,” McKay said. “According to our calculations, if Americans as a whole expended even a fraction of the effort toward their future that this chipmunk displays toward lining its burrow with leaves, the country would quickly rid itself of problems as far-flung as economic stagnation, decaying infrastructure, and global warming.”

“On the other hand,” McKay added, “we found that if this chipmunk began living as an average American does, it would be dead within a month.”