WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask, if it contains a bright, colorful liquid and a person is lifting it up to peer at the illuminated substance, we found that over 90% of Americans were willing to trust their scientific authority,” said head researcher Frank Chavez, adding that the study found that 100% of Americans expressed confidence in the “science-looking person’s” expertise if the individual was dressed in a white lab coat and muttered “interesting, interesting” while gazing at the beaker. “These results show that Americans are overwhelmingly turning for direction to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who, after looking at the beaker, runs across the lab, looks into a microscope and audibly gasps. However, our data revealed a marked decrease in public trust if the beaker falls to the ground, explodes, and burns a hole through the floor.” The study also found that the vast majority of Americans believed that they would receive accurate information from a child in an oversized lab coat and goggles.

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