Switching Gears: Michelin Guide Has Announced That It’s Tired Of Judging Restaurants And It’s Just Going To Give 3 Stars To Any Restaurant That Does That Liquid-Nitrogen Shit

The foodies of the Michelin Guide have been combing meticulously through tens of thousands of restaurants around the world for more than a century, but the gold standard in restaurant ratings is about to undergo a major change: Michelin has announced that it’s tired of judging restaurants and it’s just going to give three stars to anyone who does that liquid-nitrogen shit.

Wow, this is a major change for such a historic publication.

Under the new criteria for 2018, inspectors have been instructed to go ahead and award the highly coveted three-star rating to any weird-ass restaurant with exposed ductwork and a tattooed chef that dunks a banana in liquid nitrogen then breaks it open with a spoon and there is foie gras inside or whatever. In lieu of sampling a wide variety of dishes over several months, Michelin is allowing inspectors to base their decisions off a quick lap around a restaurant, keeping an eye out for some Penn & Teller magical garbage like lobster balloons or some shit.

“We’re sick of eating at the same fucking place five different times,” Rebecca Burr, acting editor of Michelin Guide Great Britain and Ireland, stated during a press conference. “If investment bankers are cool with throwing away 400 bucks at a place that sells those cocktails where you just breathe in crème-de-menthe fog, that’s good enough for us. You serve us a dish named ‘August 1936’ and it’s hamburger in some fucked-up, paste form that you have to brush onto your tongue—congrats, you’re one of the best restaurants in the world.”

In an effort to streamline the process even further, Burr ended the conference by inviting restaurants to get their inspections done online by visiting Michelin’s website and emailing a 30-second video of their cooks using a blowtorch on a dessert with the subject line “One of Those Restaurants.”

Incredible. As one of the world’s most revered publications, Michelin is bound to change the culinary landscape with their new guidelines. Chefs around the world had better take note if they want to appear in next year’s guide.