You may not think you need a tutorial. But trust us when we tell you that your dick pics suck. It's not your fault. The practice is a little fraught to begin with, and making something sexy out of a dismembered appendage can be challenging, to say the least. But don't worry. You're definitely not the only guy who struggles with the medium. According to everyone who's ever received a photo of a penis via text or Snap or e-mail (does anyone still send dick e-mails?), they are jarring, impersonal, and often unflattering.

That's why we asked an expert in the field (sorta) for help. You may remember Eric André's foray into nude photography on Instagram last January. The comedian, genius political troll, and star of his own TV show on Adult Swim (now in its fourth season) posted not one but three fully nude selfies to his Instagram feed, one of which was shot in a Japanese hot spring, accompanied by monkeys. And contrary to the app's strict female-nipple policing, those three full-frontal works of art remained uncensored for days on end. How does this qualify him as a dick-pic expert? Well, let's just say he's got a few opinions on the matter and lots of fruit and veg to help him explain.

Take a look: