Tag yourself; I'm Spark No. 2943. Bumblebee fights off a Sentinel. Paramount Pictures

In the opening scene of Transformers: The Last Knight, we are presented with the spectacle of King Arthur and his knights locked in an existential battle for the survival of human civilization, even though we’re not really told who or what they’re fighting for. No matter, because this after all is a Transformers movie, so soon we’re faced with

fiiigjhkwetwnwwwjsahafajhwfohofoehaoowofoeoicioeciaqidjFaerlaeaffjgjlje XGRSXSsfdsmfjjjsomuchrandomstuffsomuchegjwogpjwd bldklhjitslikeyouthoughttheearliermovieswereeconfusinghahahah mfjff7ga98fhfhfplwxczchowarekidssupposedtounderstandanyofthisVSSH gmnskglactuallyhowareadultssupposedtounderstandanyofthisjskjjlvr lmnkrjsljrjsaywhatyouwillbutonceuponatimejsogrjdvpvarivpaeimp grfggjsfsfpoemichaelbaycouldbringbeautytoanactionsceneeeevgrhcgg oiwxgamanicpoetryfilledwithkineticgraceandheroismgjvbbp mnfwdwdwkpad3dkkalikewhateverhappenedtoTHATguydzxwqs szmtheguywhomadetherockandbadboys2andeventhefirsttransformerswzns hmnffrqerqrqpainandgaintoothatwasprettygoodhahqqxjpq3Oirgaraaem hjsxsmvermavrbutnowhesbecomeaselfparodykljekwjkjjjejhar grmfagafafmmfhkjasxxandthecrazythingisheknowsitjcejjdagmfflrlrl 3jq3aefrabutdoesntseemtoknowhowtoescapeitzklWSCMC

(Actually, there is one pretty good scene about halfway through, when a British butler robot named Cogman keeps undercutting Anthony Hopkins’s stirring speeches by playing the film’s rousing theme music in the background on organs and such. This got real laughs from me, and for once, I felt like Bay’s desperate attempts at humor were working. But then it was back to

okhvk;OFIavomitousdischargeofplotpointsbeuuauuq3c2i;C HIfihiehfeshliketheresachosenonehereandanotherchosenoneJK ljjkfaejjeexkandmultiplesacredobjectsmlecjaje;lfja;eaejl;a33itm jafcandjesusatonepointtheyevenhavemarkwahlbergutterarthurcclarkes famousquoteabouthowanysufficientlyadvancedtechnologywillbe indistinguishablefrommagicohgodstopcnhfhplerafffkalkqh jsgfffrkitsalloverloadandoverkillandchaoszcsmwmezzeajcjeaa pflikeyourshoppingbagburstandsplatteredrobotsalloverthefloorlchdqh ;3dbutwelostthiswaralongtimeagokrcifhahaeifiajekjj,l ekjfwhatdoyoudowhenthesignalbecomesthenoisezclkhwa4 friaghskfbandyoucannolongertellthedifference.