There is a simple reason why it took Kony2012 to get Joseph Kony on the front pages. Bono and Bob Geldof and the charity industry. But more of them later.

The campaign group Invisible Children is doing a follow-up to its original video, released today. God bless them. Not only could they put Kony back on page one, they made wanking in public awesome. But in all seriousness, re the backlash, let me get this straight – "I understand that Kony2012 condensed a 26-year war into digestible form," say the critics, "but what about the millions less intelligent than myself?" Or to paraphrase, "Never mind 30,000 kidnapped children, look at meeeeeee."

I haven't met anyone less intelligent than me. I live in Nairobi, for pity's sake, after I gave the profits of my book about Kony to a charity to build a house for former kidnapped kids. Years later, I'm still dealing with Ugandan building "issues", and can't afford my own house. However, the upside is I'm not afraid of Bob Geldof. Unlike Bob, I live in Africa, not a nice Kent mansion bought by a tax-lite offshore company. If he wants to sue me, I've got nothing to lose.

So here's that simple reason why it took Kony2012 to get Kony on Page 1. Bono and Bob Geldof and their culture of charity-as-industry. Their self-serving bollocks has made editors run screaming from the word Africa. I've met those editors.

"Yeah, Kony, great story Jane, but Africa … Gawd, depressing…" And this from a Hollywood bigshot: "30,000, amazing story. Are there going to be a lot of Africans in it?"

Bono and Bob have made Africa all about victims. Cute victims who can only be saved by sending money, which will solve everything, until next Christmas. At least Kony2012 linked suffering to perpetrators, and urged the young American audience it's aimed at to contact a politician, not go on a fun run dressed as a bear. Uganda's president, Yoweri Museveni, has western politicians paying his bills, so western politicians putting pressure on him matters, especially as all he's done so far is drive Kony out of his backyard.

Kony stopped being solely an African problem when western charities helped Museveni keep 2 million Ugandans in semi-starvation camps at gunpoint while he "looked" for Kony. These "protected villages" were so badly protected that Kony was able to commit massacres inside them, and simply could not have existed without western complicity. It was President Museveni's job to stop Joseph Kony, but he'd have been an idiot to stop Kony when half his budget came from foreign aid and a fat chunk of that aid was earmarked for the Kony mess. The cash keeps coming despite Museveni's dodgy 26 years in office, dodgier shooting up of protesters and political opposition … and mysterious failure to stop the LRA. (Incidentally, Museveni's army beat up and burned local religious leaders who were peacefully rescuing kids from Kony as early as 2002.)

Charities pimping Africa as victim is reverse child pornography – send us money or we'll keep showing you pictures of children getting screwed. The only winners are western PMs. Closing a few hospitals back home? No problem: send a pittance to Africa. Maybe the cash helped keep kids in semi-starvation camps, but you look like a good guy. And nobody's watching anyway, we turned over, depressed the minute Bono or Bob stank across the screen.

Meanwhile, out of sight, the fight against Kony was bungled for 26 years. The World Bank funded a rehab centre for children who escaped Kony. Terrific. Who did they pay to run it? Kony's "Brigadier" Kenneth Banya. Kony ran a city of kids in Sudan, systematically raping thousands; luckily the international community had maps showing its location. Did they rescue the kids? Of course not, no one was looking. The Ugandan government kept 2 million in those semi-starvation camps at gunpoint for 10 years. The UN issued a press release. Demanding the 2 million be released? No, asking the public to send money to feed these people "fleeing Kony".

Kony, cash cow of charities and bent governments alike.

It's about time someone took Africa back from Bono and Bob Geldof. Shouldn't be long before they find a new pastime that fulfils the same masturbatory function: I predict they'll end up in a 69, happy for the rest of their days.

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