Disclaimer: DO NOT READ THIS UNTIL YOU’VE WATCHED THE FIRST 3 SEASONS OF GAME OF THRONES… or you can read it if you don’t care about Game of Thrones… or if you don’t watch Game of Thrones at all… although you probably won’t get it. Just… use your common sense.

I was having a little muse in the shower the other day and I wondered how I’d go about writing a glossy magazine style guide to men for the ladies of the seven kingdoms. Those gals need all the help they can get. So here it is – The Game of Thrones Guide to Finding The Perfect Man.

The Misunderstood

Jaime Lannister

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This guy comes across as a total wanker and has pulled a variety of dick moves in his life. His inflated negative reputation preceeds him and although your friends find him repugnant, you know deep down he’s a gentle soul with a bad publicist.

Just remember though…

He pushed Bran out a window. No amount of lost limbs or the forging of unlikely and touching friendships will absolve him from crippling a child. He’s also shagging his own sister.

The Man’s Man

Drogo

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Although looks can sometimes be deceiving, this guy is exactly as he seems. A testosterone pumped, alpha male on the constant look out for a fight. If you can get past all the chest beating and possessiveness this man will be fiercely loyal and would die protecting you.

Just remember though…

Although he’s loyal and strong, he’s not terribly bright. He’ll get cursed by a witch because he was a total butt head and destroyed her village. His penis made him do it.

The Other Kind Of Man’s Man

Loras Tyrell

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He’s handsome, charming, a wonderful dancer, dresses like a dream and treats you like a princess. He also smells really nice, regularly washes his hair and gets along super well with your brother. In fact, he charms the pants off him. Literally.

Just remember though…

If you can overlook his male oriented sexual preferences (that he will discreetly take care of in private), you’ll probably have a beautiful marriage with a less than thrilling sex life. Which you may well prefer to the opposite.

The Almost Perfect Guy

John Snow

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This guy is a total catch. He’s handsome, sweet, loyal and utterly in love with you. He’ll pleasure you like you’ve never been pleasured before. He’ll respect and value what you bring to the relationship. He’s the ideal mix between scruffy and most pretty. He’s perfect. Almost…

Just remember though…

His moral compass is a touch on the whacky side, which means he may well abandon you in the middle of a sword fight. Then act all surprised and emotionally wounded when you get angry and shoot him with arrows.

The Psychopath

Ramsay

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Cool, calm and collected this guy is a vessel of complete composure. He’s rather secretive but he’s dreamy and handsome so who cares?

Just remember though…

Sometimes he’ll ask you to deliver questionable packages or scrub suspicious looking stains from his boots. It’s also likely that at some point you will find a box containing severed man junk in your house.

The Comedian

Tyrion Lannister

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This guy is a party animal. He loves sex, he loves booze and he loves you. He has a seemingly bottomless wallet and loves to lavish you with gifts. Physically speaking, he may not be everyone’s cup of tea but you think he’s the hottest tamale this side of Mexico. He makes you laugh and he’s a total sweetheart.

Just remember though…

At some point the laughter has to stop. His family is a bunch of incestuous nut bars who are going to make him marry your best friend. He also has a fairly major drinking problem. Honestly though, in the seven kingdoms, neither of these factors are deal breakers so don’t write him off too quickly.

The Asshole

Joffrey Baratheon

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At some stage during his life, this guy suffered from a fairly serious removal of his soul. Sometimes you think he might have a conscience but then he spends an afternoon happily killing puppies and setting fire to people on the street. He admires your beauty more than he actually loves you.

Just remember though…

He’s really stupid but he’s also bat shit crazy. You’ll be able to manipulate him into marrying you for your own royalist ambitions but keep your wits about you. He has a nasty little habit of murdering women for fun. His biological father is also his uncle. There’s a whole world of issues right there. Just be careful if you see him with a crossbow.

So who’s the perfect man for you? A saucy Lannister? A scruffy Stark? Or manly Dothrakian?

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