I’ve seen some people complaining this year about having to hear “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” because it just doesn’t convey a message that we, the modern people, can really connect with. That’s why I suggest a new rendition of this classic: “He’s Such a Real Nice Guy™”

“I really can’t stay” / “But Baby, it’s cold outside”

“I’ve told you not to call me that” / “But I’ve been such a nice guy”

“This evening has been-” / “Was hoping that you would see-”

“-fine until now…” / “-that you are more than a friend to me”

“But now I’m starting to worry” / “Beautiful, what’s your hurry?”

“I thought we’d talked this over before” / “Listen to the fireplace roar”

“It’s nice that we went out for coffee” / “I listened to ALL of your problems”

“But you know we’re friends and nothing more” / “I could be the one you’re looking for”

“I know what you think” / “Baby, it’s bad out there”

“Say, what’s in this drink?” / “It’s really… nothing, I swear”

“You think I date guys-” / “Don’t be so shallow, now”

“-who don’t treat me well” / “Think of how this puts ME through literal hell!”

“The men I date aren’t vicious and witless” / “Remember that ONE bad breakup”

“And really, it’s none of your business” / “Remember how I brought you that pie!”

“I really can’t stay” / “Baby, don’t hold out”

“He’s such a real nice guy”

“I want to know why-” / “Why you won’t stay with me?”

“You’d want me to turn a blind eye-” / “You might even grow to love me”

“To my own feeling that I don’t-” / “Things could be different between us.”

“-see you in a romantic light” / “You treat my kindness with pure spite!”

“I thought you were there because of our friendship” / “And look at what that got me.”

“But I guess you’re just not that good a guy.” / “I’m perfect for you, don’t you deny!”

“I really don’t think-” / “You know what they all say about me?”

“He’s such a real nice guy”