agaysianvagabond:

He was my first hook up in San Francisco. My first Friday night in the city and I was feeling anxious, antzy, a little bit mischievous, and a lot of horny. I saw his profile on Jack’d and sent him a message. I was on the prowl, just wanting someone to have a drink with and a quick fuck after.

Three weeks later and we were still hooking up. If this was the Midwest, people would call it dating. But in SF, anything less than 3 months is still just a hook up. Things fizzled out after another month, like all things in this Bay Area of start ups and “next best thing”.

I was caught off guard when I saw his name on my schedule. Why did he come see me in the clinic? “Did you know I would be your doctor?” I asked him as I walked him to the exam room. “Yes. I specifically asked for you,” he replied. Formalities and awkward banter out of the way, I asked him why he had come to seek my help. “I.. uhhh,” he hesitated. He didn’t have to say it, I knew at that moment. “When did you find out?” I asked. “Just last week. At the Dore alley street festival. They were testing and I got it done.” “You ok?” “I don’t really know what to think. Everything is just happening so fast.”

I talked him through the next steps, what HIV was, what to expect, the tests that needed to be done, the medications, the safer sex practices that he would now have to be diligent about. It was robotic. I had recited these lines numerous times before. I saw his eyes begin to water, the colors in his cheeks flushing with a light shade of rouge. “Do you have any other questions?” “What should I do now?” He asked earnestly. “Live your life. Take your meds. Take care of our health. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself right now.”

I gave him a hug as I showed him out of the office. He thanked me for the help. We both looked at each other knowing that whatever relationship we had before, we could never go back to. Our boundaries became suddenly clear and distinct the moment he selected me as his physician rather than his friend. I felt a numbness settling in the pit of my soul.

“Fuck this town,” it whispered from the darkness.