ZURICH—fresh off his re-election as head of FIFA, Sepp Blatter today announced that he was entering the Republican presidential primaries, promising a “new era of murkiness” and offering everyone who votes for him in the Iowa caucuses $2.5 million in cash.

“After my tremendous successes in cleaning up world soccer, the logical next step is to break the deadlock in Washington,” said Blatter at a hastily-called press conference here. “And what better way to do that than through paper bags of cash?”

Blatter, whose 17-year tenure as FIFA president has been accompanied by controversy and corruption, said that he expected to resolve all those problems “shortly” in order to free up his time to visit early-voting states. “The diners in New Hampshire, the Iowa state fair with all its curious fried foods—I will conquer them all,” said Blatter. “I expect to sweep to victory on the basis of my solid support among tiny, corrupt nations, who I would imagine must control a majority of these so-called caucuses.”

Blatter did not speculate on his plans for the general election yet. “First, I will defeat all of these Republicans,” he said. “Then, outer-space soccer. Then the general election. It is all no problem. I am a mountain goat.”



Each voter will receive a pile of money “about this wide,” according to Blatter.