When you left us, on Christmas Day 2017, it was the end of a long, painful road. Since then, I’ve been reflecting on my favourite memories of you.

I remember us taking our family dog for walks together on the towering sand dunes in front of our house. I remember sitting on your knee in the twilight, watching candlelight dance inside a hollow log – you told me the light danced because the log was full of fairies frolicking. You played classical guitar and your fingertips were hardened from many years of playing; when I finally got my hands on my own guitar, I was very proud when my fingertips grew harder like yours. Once I bought you a gift – a poem printed on a glass plaque, entitled Walking With Grandpa. In return, you wrote me my own poem. I imagine how you must have taken time finding the right words and choosing a good font, how you printed it out and cut the paper to size before placing it in the frame you bought for this purpose. And it occurs to me that you must have really loved me.

Eventually Alzheimer’s began its march through your life. I was older and busy with my own life. I forgot about our special relationship. Later, in the last few years, when I spent time with you, we had a handful of lovely conversations that reminded me of what I had forgotten about you – your intelligence, your creativity and love of beautiful things.

In your last few days of life, I think you had forgotten about me, or maybe forgotten that I had grown up. And I was frozen; sitting by your bedside with my mum, gran and aunt, I was silent. I felt so very disconcerted and afraid, I didn’t know what to do or how to act. And now I so wish that I had been brave – that I had come close to you and told you how much I loved you and how important you were to me.

Now I am an adult, I know some members of our family feel conflicting emotions when they think of you. But for my part, I will for ever cherish the special memories I have. How you filled the hole that was the absence of my father full to the brim with love in those first 10 years of my life, so much so that I didn’t realise anything was missing. It’s only now I realise that when I sought a relationship with my father, the reason he fell so short of my expectations is that he wasn’t you. I really hope you knew how much you mean to me.

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