World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that, in response to the country’s history of corruption and egregious affronts to human rights, the company will no longer host sports-entertainment events in the United States of America.

“We cannot in good conscience sports-entertain in a country that separates migrant children from their parents, refuses to adopt policies to adequately avert disastrous climate change, and refused to accept Lex Luger as its national hero,” reads a statement issues today from WWE’s Connecticut headquarters.

“We are sorry to disappoint our fans in America, but we must cancel all US events until the country’s until, at the very soonest, the conclusion of the Mueller investigation into the possible subversion of American democracy by Rusev and Lana.”

The statement listed a litany of other violations against human rights that “WWE condemns in the strongest possible way” and that led to the boycott

U.S. President Donald Trump’s “brazen and vicious” shaving of Vince McMahon’s head

The existence of Coors Light

Abuses at Abu Grhaib prison and rumors of similar issues at a Punjabi prison

The deception about WMDs in Iraq (though not the WMDs on Big Show’s wrists)

WWE has suggested that it may also cancel all upcoming events in Canada due to human-rights violations such as Justin Bieber, The Montreal Screwjob, Nickelback, and The Mountie’s “cruel and unusual punishment” with an electrified cattle prod.

ENJOY OUR NONSENSE? KEEP US AFLOAT BY GETTING A SHIRT! PLEASE!