Cameron uses thing that didn’t happen to reflect on values he doesn’t possess

David Cameron has used his Christmas message to urge people to reflect on values he doesn’t possess and be proud of things he’s not doing as they celebrate something that didn’t happen.

The prime minister said that issues he has little interest in made the UK a place that is the exact opposite of what he’s actually turning it into.

He went on to highlight the plight of people he couldn’t give a shit about, while people from places he’s not arsed about are forced to go somewhere or other.

His statement also read, “At this time of year it’s important we pay tribute to the doctors, nurses and carers helping the vulnerable this Christmas – because paying tribute is much easier than paying them better wages.

“We should also spare a thought for the families in Syria hiding under tables from the bombs we’re dropping around them.

“And as I look back at 2015, I am proud of what we have achieved, just as Jesus would be proud – you know, if he’d actually existed.

“Particularly when you consider that Jesus said the best way to help the vulnerable is to not help them at all, and how he cut the benefits of the disabled – I know, you don’t remember that bit, but it was in a little-known gospel, you probably wouldn’t have heard of it.”

Cameron signed off by saying, “As a society that has its roots in Christian values, we should all look forward to 2016 and our plans for a series of good old-fashioned domestic inquisitions to join our foreign crusades.”