If you've spent the last few months dreamily looking forward to that first summer swim—y'know, the one that signifies the season is finally in full swing—let me apologize on behalf of all the many, many factors that've made that vision a bit harder to realize lately. Public pools are still very much a no-go for the most part, but if you've got easy access to a beach and a little salt never bothered you, why not get in your safe, socially distanced strokes in a body of water big enough to minimize your contact with the screaming kid who just emptied a small bladder's worth of juice into the ocean?

I despise the beach, dude. It blows. Spending anything more than a few days there each summer is a big no from me, dog. But the best part about the beach, hands down? Beach attire. And no one item typifies beach attire in my mind more than the bathing suit. So you bet your ass I'm going to help you track down the best one for you, because that's just the type of guy I am. Classic patterned trunks with an elastic waist and mesh lining? Check. Something tailored and slim, that can double as shorts? Yes sir. A pair you can also work out in? That too.

Whatever you're into, I don't judge. If you want to while away the summer days trying to dislodge sand from in between your toes, furiously lathering on sunscreen every few hours, who am I to stand in your way? Because the best swim trunks immediately conjure up memories of sun-kissed summers bygone, and if wearing one will restore some semblance of rightful dignity to the season, I'm fully on board. Let's get it.