Hosiery is a classic option (Picture: Dave Anderson for Metro.co.uk)

Masturbating is amazing – it’s free, hurts nobody, and takes five minutes

Plus at the end you get to literally orgasm.

I wore this male chastity device for a fortnight so you don’t have to

But alas, it is by no means a tidy affair.

Indeed, it gets pretty ropey fast.


And since the dawn of civilisation – when primitive man completed that first historic tug in the dim recesses of his cave – the burning question of how to dispose of excess seed has never satisfactorily been resolved.

To this day, opinion is divided. Do you cum in a Kleenex, or spaff in a sock?

Not to mention other myriad jizz receptacles we could name, like old towels or my shower drain.



So I decided once and for all to cut through the confusion and definitively rank the best (and worst) ways of cleaning up after burping the worm.

Shall we crack on?

15. All over a magazine

Print is officially dead (Picture: Getty)

I know most of you groovy millennials out there will struggle to relate, but back in the days before unlimited free porn on your phone magazines were all we had.

It wasn’t so bad, really. You could share them with mates. The standard of photography was excellent, on the whole.

And because you’d have to jerk it to the same material over and over, you became far more resourceful and creative.

Anyway, the joke about porn mags was always ‘hurr durr, don’t get the pages stuck together!’

Implying that ejaculating into a porn mag, sullying your most prized possession and ruining it forever for everybody else, was commonplace enough to be a running gag.

So if for whatever reason you’re offline, spanking it in ‘analogue’ mode, don’t besmirch the merchandise.

If nothing else, it’s proper anti-social.

14. Hold it in your foreskin

Some pioneering freaks have figured out you can pinch your knobflap at the very last moment ‘twixt thumb at forefinger, trapping your ejaculate in a makeshift skin pouch to plop open into a toilet bowl or sink.

Just picture that, reader.

It certainly has the advantage of being cheap, and doesn’t consume any resources.

But then, surely, hopping to the bathroom or (shudder) kitchen sink must take at least some of the shine off your post-orgasmic afterglow.

Hey, you do you, man.

13. Condom

Am I doing it right? (Picture: Getty)

You might have heard this described as a ‘posh w*nk’; although quite why it’s associated with the upper classes is beyond me.

I guess if you’re so fancy you can tolerate the expense and arseache of buying condoms every time you polish the spear then good for you – hell, perhaps you have flunkies on call around the clock, ready to nip to the 24-hour Shell garage the moment you feel frisky.

My main objection to this is eco-based – condoms go straight to landfill.

You monster.

12. Junk mail/flyers

Since we’re being all eco-conscious, you know that stack of glossy doormat fodder which naively assumes you’re in a position to sell a property, or bulk-buy Farmfoods scampi?



Perfect for scooping up your man muck in a sustainable fashion.

Fold her into a tight wedge afterwards, straight in the green bin, bish bash bosh.

You’re welcome, mother earth.

11. Drinks can

Yes we can (Picture: Getty)

Couple of quick safety pointers re: this one.

Don’t slash the tip of your old chap on the treacherous metal rim. You’ll get precious little sympathy down at A&E.

Assuming you pull it off without bloodshed, it’s crucial said can doesn’t get mixed up with other beverages still ‘in circulation’.

Here’s a nifty tip from my sesh gremlin days: squeeze the offending can just enough to make it obvious which tinnie of Special Brew has ash/semen deposited inside, but (crucially) don’t crush so hard it tips over spilling nightmare fuel all over your dressing table.

10. Tissues

I know it’s the most popular method.

I still think it’s vile.

It smells, dude.

And don’t get me started on the trillions of invisible paper fibres that bond with your glistening glans.

If you disagree with me, I have no choice but to assume you’re a paid Kleenex stooge.

9. Old plate of food

Alright, gross, whatever.

Probably don’t do this on crockery if you cohabit.

But equally, don’t give yourself a hard time about lazily spooging into that day-old polystyrene kebab wrapper under the bed, still flecked with red cabbage and congealed burgersauce.

That’s basically how Tracey Emin got rich.

8. Seagulling

Not that I condone this, certainly where other human beings are involved.


But if you can pull off the classic Silence Of The Lambs flick-of-the-wrist, turning a fresh handful of seed into a projectile-style weapon launched toward some manner of improvised bedroom target…

Well, you deserve at least a grim slow-clap of recognition.

7. Spuzzjar

Preserves (Picture: Getty)

Definitely a way more popular method than you think.

Our gent simply keeps a special lidded jar to hand, that he fills up gradually over time. Like a science experiement.

Sure, it’s gross. It’s w*nking, after all.

6. Into the drain

Call me a slacker, or prude, but I’ve never been able to muster a great deal of enthusiasm for the whole jacking-off-in-the-shower thing.

You’re not giving self-love the status it deserves, hunched over in the full judgemental glare of your girlfriend’s rubber duck.

Lie down in a comfy room, put some nice music on, light a joss stick.

Or is romance truly dead?

5. Towel

Classic.

4. Rubbed into the carpet

Only works on not-very-fancy carpet, that’s already jizz-coloured (or roughly jizz-coloured).

I always justify this to myself by thinking about all those billions of microbes and tiny organisms that live in the carpet.

They’ll clean it up, one way or the other, and be eternally grateful for your nutritious, calorific windfall.

3. A specialist cum rag

Yeah, totally a thing.

Hit-and-miss comedy rockers Tenacious D still sell them on their online merchandise stall.

My only gripe is that it makes you look a a bit try-hard, like the bloke who brings his own pool cue to the pub.

That, and you kind of give the game away when you peg it out on the line.


2. Your own clothing

Repeat after me: ‘There is nothing wrong with ejaculating into my own dirty clothing.’

You’re going to wash it anyway.

So it’s free, and totally carbon neutral.

Socks literally couldn’t be better designed as makeshift jizz receptacles.

Only trumped by…

1. Your partner’s clothes

It’s hot, shut up.

You should definitely get their consent though.

Pro tip: steer clear of posh dryclean-only clothes. Not worth the aggro.

MORE: Ladies & Gentlemen by George Michael is the ultimate sex record

MORE: Guys spill the beans on how they lost their virginity

MORE: Men share their most horrific sexual misadventures

Advertisement Advertisement