DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday. “Remember, Mr. Donner, I’m right around the corner, so if you feel you’re in the last few moments as an existing, sensate being, just press the button on your bed and I’ll hurry on over,” said Kaufman, adding that she or any other nurse on duty was happy to pop in day or night in case he felt himself slipping away forever into unending darkness. “I’m just a few doors down, and bringing you back from the edge of the eternal black abyss is my job. Really, it’s no trouble for any of us to come in and stave off the icy cold hand of the Reaper, okay?” At press time, an increasingly perturbed Kaufman was making her third visit to the man’s room in an hour.

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