12/20/15 note: It is not known how many cheaters there are in osu!. My estimation is that 1 out of 3 players in the top 500 are cheaters. Even some of the big boys you've known and loved for years could be untrustworthy. But the ones who have seen a sudden surge in ranking the past 2 years are most likely. Reporting them is futile. What you can do is simple: Either send Peppy a lengthy email on the state of cheating in osu! (he will most likely deny all accusations and protest that his cheat detection is top notch), or you can send him a simple one: "Kill yourself". Please help fight cheating in osu!. Do not glorify any streamers or people looking for attention. Reporting will do nothing. Reporting will do nothing. Reporting will do nothing. Reporting will do nothing.

Written by S

Your name is James Darwin. You are an Aboriginal, or indigenous to the Australian continent. You live in Darwin, the capital of Northern Territory in Australia and are very proud of your name. But your name does not actually mean you're related to the great Charles Darwin, although you wish you were.

You grew up in a poor neighborhood, but were always richer than your friends. You liked to assert your male dominance over them when you were young, and thought of yourself as an intimidating good looking guy. You know you still are. Fun wrestling, pranks, experimenting... all that stuff. You're 22 years old now.

It was about four years ago (mid 2010) when you found a certain rhythm game.

You played Guitar Hero before that, and considered yourself a professional, if there were "professionals" at a rhythm game. This new game though. It caught your interest fast. Maybe, you thought, that you could actually become a professional at this. The first time you saw something about it, you were surfing YouTube and a related video popped up. Something about "osu!" and some brackets, you ignored it.

The next day there was another related video while you were surfing. Something about "osu!" and some brackets, the same shit. This time you clicked on it because obviously these kind of things happen for a reason and you were generally curious. A circle flying everywhere, other circles littering the screen and getting, uh, "popped"? There was some stupid fucking weeaboo song like Haruhi playing, but the one thing you knew was clear. It was a rhythm game.

The first thing you thought was that the cursor moved to circles in numbered order and you needed to hit your mouse buttons at the same time. Seems easy enough. You should be a pro in a week, considering all the time you have to practice (fuck college at 18, NEET life). You downloaded the software from the website, noting its weird domain endings and the vomit-inducing pink themed layout.

You installed osu!, then created an account, then logged into the game. A simple username for now, like grindmaster54127 or something. Maybe you'll change it later when you get popular. Oh, and also you used your standard (hopefully) case sensitive 36-digit password.

You started the tutorial map to see what's up, and to your surprise you realize the cursor doesn't move for you. You have to move your mouse as well as click the circles at the right time. What the fuck, how is the gameplay in the video you saw even possible like that? That's what you thought.

Fast forward a year. You were already rank 50 in score, but you still weren't good. You switched to tablet a month after you started playing. 70,000 play count, but shit skills compare to some Korean guy. Plus some other people. One day you were bored, and remembered the elusive domain name for the game. Which made you remember the guy who runs the whole thing. Ppy? Peppy.

It was that day when you changed. You were not ready for this moment. Something just didn't feel right back then, like it wasn't supposed to happen for another year or so. What you did was simple. You decided to look up this douchebag's face on Google images, to see how much of a punchable face he had, to assert your dominance once again, to gauge his intellect, strength and looks. That's when it finally happened, the moment that would change your life forever.

Jesus fuck. That face. He was...

Gorgeous.

You were never sure of your exact sexual orientation until that very moment. Yes, you knew what was true. You were gay for this man. On one side, you wanted to humiliate him and use him for your pleasure. On the other side, you wanted to cuddle with him and kiss him. Many times. You noticed the name of this man, "Dean Herbert". You shivered at the sound of it when you said it out loud.

Over the next years you began trying to get Peppy's attention online. Emailing him, sending him letters, trying to chat with him and well, you guess a little... stalking. It was 6 months before the present time when you finally managed to forc--you mean seduce him into participating in a secret relationship with you.

You've done a measurable amount of things with him since then. Going on dates, playing video games together, kissing and even holding hands. But there was one thing you haven't done that you wanted. Yes, you want THAT. You are well in the process of attempting to get some love from him at the moment.

You sit at your computer browsing the osu! forums, munching on your slim jim. Wow. Wow. Wow, look at all these little new pieces of shit. They think they can get good at the game just from some tips from other little pieces of shit. Just looking at a poster's typing pattern makes you want to punch the little boy in the face. Oh yes, you'd do that. With your strong hands. Among other things afterwards.

You then close out the window of the osu! website and open up a different window. You go to the dreaded osu! Reddit. This thing has been going downhill ever since it started, pretty much. But you can't keep coming back to it to get your fill of anger, and desire to strangle the little kids who think they can be good. It has a greater fill of that than the official forums, which is both worrying and exciting.

You log into Reddit with one of your many accounts, osuplayer666. You keep track of all your accounts and how much karma they have, which is pretty much always negative. This is one of your newer ones with a measly amount of -12 comment karma. You don't really feel like raging in text form today, so you just decide to mess with some people.

A new post only 2 minutes old is by some user who's ranked about 20,000 globally. Eh, not bad, you think to yourself. Haha who are you kidding, that's fucking awful. Made account 10 months ago and only 11,000 plays? What a little prissy casual. His post asks, "hey r/osugame! :D im looking for some unranked maps to play, preferably ones that arent listed on the osu! website. thanks xp".

You're gagging real hard. You almost threw up that slim jim you just finished from reading this little pissdrinker's plea for help. If that happened, then you would have really started raging. Not in real life of course, just spewing some bullshit text about ranking dynamics and how maps shouldn't be hidden like a fucking private back alley to suck homeless dick in that little boys like this shithead go to when they want to hang out. Actually these thoughts are kind of making you heat up...

Too easy to mess with this kid though. You feel like it's time for a hard punishment. A hard punishment for being so easily gullible and annoying. Yeah, he needs to learn that he shouldn't be blowing random dirty guys in a back alley, he needs to be taking it from behind at your clean crib. You haven't distributed this one in awhile, but since you're especially assholeish today you think it's time.

Yes, a virus. You'll disguise the virus as a private map you have of course. Now, which one... oh yes, that spider one by that American guy with a song from some horrible band. You don't think he ever bothered submitting it. Actually, it's kind of a freak out itself because of the spider cursor, circles, and whole skin. You have a brief fantasy of being cute and scared of a spider while Dean puts it on an object like it's no big deal, lets it outside and then pets your head to calm you down. Oh you're starting to heat up again.

Anyways, you sauce up the skin's zip file with one of the worst viruses you own (not worst as in lame, worst as in utterly fucking terrible for the user getting infected). Basically, this virus is your nightmare. You've seen people talk about a virus such as this one on message boards, while you're laughing maniacally like you're the one pulling the strings from behind the curtain.

Leaving all the technical stuff about how it hides itself from antiviruses and the user aside, it has one purpose. To scare the user. To death. It will run at all times but has a very small chance of detonating every second. For the average internet user, you'd be waiting for about six months. So it's kind of a karma thing connected to how much time you waste on the internet. After it detonates, well uh...

A screamer pops up or something? No wait, that doesn't seem right. Actually now that you think about it you have no idea what actually happens once it detonates. You try to remember where you got it from, thinking, oh yeah. You got it from this guy role playing as a wizard in some obscure IRC channel on some obscure site. Oh yeah, did you mention you like obscure stuff? Like the hidden corners of the web.

Well his nickname was "askmeforviruses" and you were running a virtual machine with some other stuff on it just to be safe and already had some ready to go viruses you had gotten from other parts of the web. He said it ain't for free, and you paid up with some Bitcoins you scammed from some losers. He delivered and said some shit about curses and "the black man" and you have to admit it was pretty gay but whatever.

So actually this might do nothing at all. Well, you've already posted it and the kid said "thx" so whatever again. Now onto the main matter of business. Dean is coming over in thirty minutes and you still have your pajamas on!

You had invited Dean over about three days ago to "play some osu!". You settled for today's date, but forgot recently when you were busy reading the forums and the Reddit. You've wanted him to come to your hometown ever since a month ago when you moved back to Darwin from Perth. So, he has to fly all the way from Perth. You moved there a year ago for reasons, uh, not including stalking Peppy.

You go upstairs and notice that everything is unorganized, like it always is. He shouldn't care because you don't care. You put on your usual outfit, a tank top and jeans. You flex your muscles in the mirror. Lookin' real fucking hot. You waste about five minutes doing this.

Back to the computer. You still have some time before Dean shows up. You open up the page for the /y/ board on 4chan that you have bookmarked. You click on the draw thread and check if there were any replies to your request. Your post was "requesting peppy from osu! (pic related) looking shy while masturbating". There's a reply and someone actually delivered, and it's pretty hot. You might need to rub one out before Dean gets--

*DING DONG*

Shit shit shit. You zip up really fast because you already had your dick out. You run to the door and open it.

"Hello Dean~, come in come in!" you say and you grab his hand and drag him to your computer. "Hi James. Uh, so, we were just going to play osu! today right?" he asks. "Yeah, but maybe do some other stuff..."

"Like other games?" Hehe yeah, you think. Other "games". "Come sit here Dean, I want to sit on your lap while I play." He complies and sits on your chair and you sit down as well, making yourself comfortable. You already had your tablet out and ready but haven't played yet today. You start up osu! and get ready to put your username and password in (no, you don't have remember password or username on because that's stupid).

"Don't look!" you say as you stare directly at Peppy's face. "Why would I look?" he replies back and you tell him to close his eyes to make sure. You type your username peppyfan1 in with your password (which is definitively not ilovepeppy6969). You shift around on his lap while he's blind. You hear him squeal a little. "Okay, done."

When you log in you see you've lost a rank. You're now #17 globally and still #1 in Australia. JappyBabes is active and he might pass you sometime. Fuck that guy. You get back to what you were doing yesterday, trying to steal a #1 from Elysion. You select the map "Shano x 40mP - Kiritorisen" on insane and put hidden and double time on.

It's been ten minutes and your best play is still a 700 combo with ~94% accuracy. Dean is just relaxing, not really seeming impressed by your skills. Maybe he's tired. You're starting to get angry.

Fuck this shit. Time to bring out the big guns. You go deep in your computer's directories to run the coveted "Cookiezi.exe". You paid good money for this from some guy on a Korean message board.

"Listen James, I know you cheat... but maybe you can at least wait awhile before you decide to? You haven't even been playing for half an hour."

"Shut up, Herbert. You said you wouldn't let rules get between our love, remember?" you say as you grab his arms and wrap them around your chest.

The executable you ran isn't really that good. It's basically just a relax hack, but you can put in numbers to decide how many 100s you want, your accuracy and stuff like that. So it doesn't make you too accurate, but shuffles between random numbers from the millisecond where you almost get an 100 and to whatever your cutoff is set to, which shouldn't be like 0ms off but still sort of high. And then the second option is set from where you almost get a 50 to where you almost get a 300. So you set it for approximately 98.60% accuracy.

You don't feel bad about cheating. There's a lot of cheaters. At about rank 500 when ppv2 came out you realized it's not possible to get much farther without cheating. The thing is most users are so gullible that they think even the more obvious cheaters are legit when people call them out, but there are more "legit" cheaters than obvious ones in the high ranks. You're a more legit one.

That doesn't mean you aren't a good player though. You can still kick ass in multiplayer against high ranks, because of your high approach rate skills. You just "boost" your solo plays a little. Oh yeah, you like to go fast. You have some double time plus hard rock records on insane maps. That doesn't mean most of them aren't hacked though, hehe.

There, just fucking wrecked that Elysion bitch. #1. You got back up to #16 too. You feel satisfied now, and get up from the chair. "Come upstairs with me Dean."

"Sure, are we going to play a different game or something?" he asks. "Yeah, we're going to play a game." you reply as you run upstairs leaving him hanging.

You're sitting on the bed the moment he gets in the room. You put on your seductive face. "Come sit down."

He sits down next to you and you push him down onto the bed. "H-hey what are you--mmmhmhmhmmm!!!"

You kiss him mid-sentence and then get deeper into it, making out harder. You put your tongue into his mouth and swirl it together with his. You start sucking on his bottom lip and you can tell you're both heating up pretty bad. You get up on your knees next to him, saliva drooling from your mouth.

"Dean, we're gonna do it. Today." you say. "D-do what?" he asks. You're already in the process of taking off your shirt when he asks that, and then you wrap your arms around him trying to take off his. He doesn't resist. You undo his belt and start pulling down his pants. "Don't be nervous".

You pull down his briefs (fuck yes) and take his cock in your hand. You had some spit in your mouth going, so you let it out all over his member and take it in your mouth.

He's already got his hand on your head when you start sucking him off so he's sort of moving you up and down so you don't have to do it yourself. You go down deep on him like you've practiced while using your tongue to wrap around his dick at the same time. You make sloppy sounds and blow him for only about 30 seconds when you realize he's about to climax, which reminds you that this might be his first time.

"J-James I'm going to-!"

He releases his load into your throat while you're still deep on him, which causes you to choke a little and move your head up. He releases a lot and you're fine with drinking it all, because you usually always drink your own semen after you beat it off. You stand up from the bed and look him in the eyes. "Stay here."

You go in the bathroom and come back with a bottle of lube, and start unzipping your pants. You pull them off with your briefs as well, and Dean's cock peaks up. "Don't worry, I've trained for this."

You squeeze some lube out, get onto the bed and lean over Dean. You apply it to his dick, rubbing your hand all over his foreskin. You then reposition yourself over his penis, spread your ass cheeks and let it in.

You ride your hips up and down doing all the work as Dean is lying on the bed, but you can both hear each other's squeals of pleasure. You place your hands on his chest and play with his nipples as you go faster. "Mmm, yes, yes, fuck yes Dean"

His dick is getting bigger inside you as you keep slamming your hips down against his. He's about to climax again. "Let it out inside me."

"Mmmmmh... oh god!!"

You sit down and your ass clamps on his dick as he releases his sperm inside of you. "So hot..."

You fall onto his chest, breathing heavily while hearing his breathing as well. "That was great, James..." he says. "It was great for me too, Dean. Or should I say, Peppy. Let's just keep ourselves like this for awhile."