PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god, she just crucified the thing,” said English teacher Toby Anderson, adding that though he regularly spends his own money on school supplies for his classroom, those tools could never satisfy Gasper’s insatiable thirst. “I have both handheld and desktop punches, but those weren’t even a consideration for Evelyn—They might as well not even exist to a kid who lets the animal out on looseleaf like that. You might not respect the kid herself, but you have to respect her ferocity.” As of press time, witnesses spotted Gasper in the school cafeteria tearing into a turkey drumstick held in both hands, sinews standing out in her neck as she wrenched meat from bone, juices splattering across her shirt and dripping onto the tattered styrofoam tray.

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