Relationship News: Scotland will not be allowed to talk to any of the UK’s friends if they split up, George Osborne has warned.

Scotland will also not be allowed to keep any of England’s CD’s or DVD’s if the union splits, confirmed the Chancellor, adding that “It will also make going to weddings very awkward, in case we bump into each other after a few drinks and have to introduce our new partners”.

“I’m really bloody serious about this,” said Osborne in an appearance before Westminster’s Scottish affairs committee.

“If you walk out on me you don’t get to see my friends and you don’t get to bloody well play my CD of Madonna’s The Immaculate Collection any more. And you certainly won’t be keeping my Breaking Bad box set.”