Have you found yourself without health insurance? No worries! Whether you turned 26 and got kicked off your mom’s insurance, can’t navigate the healthcare website, or can’t afford that co-pay, crystals will be there to heal you when Western medicine cannot. Here’s how to harness the ancient mystical powers of crystals until you get coverage again.

Selenite

Selenite is a beautiful clear crystal that promotes mental clarity and can clear up headaches. Rub that magical crystal on your head until your mental state is so clear you almost remember your pediatrician’s phone number. Do you think he’ll see you as a favor just this once??

Citrine

Citrine is such a powerful crystal that it can block all of the negative energy coming from that hot dog you ate last night at 2AM. Whether it’s an upset tummy or chronic stomach pain you never had checked out, citrine has your back, unless it’s a serious medical condition. Then you better hold onto that citrine real tight and figure your insurance shit out.

Amethyst

If you’re losing sleep because you’re worried about going bankrupt without medical insurance, you need an amethyst. Amethyst will calm your worries and help fight insomnia, at least we hope. If not, buckle up for a panic attack. You’re gonna need the help of a professional.

Aquamarine

If your allergies are acting up on your three-day trek through the jungle to see a shaman, get some aquamarine to help fight your reaction to the natural environment.. But this one happens to work best when paired with over-the-counter allergy medicine so you better buck up and buy some of that, too.

A year without health insurance is no big deal when you have the magical powers of crystals in your medicine cabinet. Whatever ailment befalls you, there’s a crystal out there to rub on it—but like, you should really try to get insurance again, cause rocks can only help you so much.