Expectant parents are being sold a "Disney-like illusion" about what having a baby is like, and are often left feeling "shell-shocked", experts have warned.

They say behind all the #cute #sixweeks #howtimeflies posts on social media, parents are agonising about daily decisions, keeping up appearances and struggling with their new identities — all in a world that can be "judgmental and nasty".

It's also a world where gender roles and the dynamics of families are rapidly changing.

Mums are older, and they return to work sooner. Dads are expected to be more hands-on without reducing their work hours.

So what real-world advice do the experts have for parents in 2019? We asked …

Maggie Dent, Australian parenting guru

Maggie Dent says raising children is often shrouded in judgment. ( Supplied: Vibrant Imaging )

When author and educator Maggie Dent had her boys, "parenting wasn't actually a thing".

"It was called raising kids, was part of being a human living in a family, living in a community," she says.

How families are changing: The median age of mums is 31.3 years compared with 27.7 years three decades ago

The median age of mums is 31.3 years compared with 27.7 years three decades ago The median age of dads is 33.3 years compared to 33 years a decade ago

The median age of dads is 33.3 years compared to 33 years a decade ago Average children per family is 1.8

Average children per family is 1.8 24 per cent of mothers, who are in "couple families" with children under five, work full-time Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics

Dent, host of the ABC's podcast Parental As Anything, says many new parents find their expectations don't match up with reality.

"Parents are being led into an illusion, partly through celebrity bloggers with beautiful photos and Instapeople but also parenting magazines with perfect images of amazing women who look like size six four days after birth," Dent says.

"It's a bit like Disney. It kind of makes us think this is the magic that awaits you."

That illusion doesn't leave much room for parents to consider the "unique challenges that turn up" when raising kids: lack of sleep, toddlers throwing meltdowns, a loss of personal identity.

"It's not a warm fuzzy journey every day and it fluctuates. It's beautiful some days and it's really crappy and difficult other days," Dent says.

Dent says many new parents search for signs that they're doing a good job — and get "millions of different answers" when they look for solutions online.

"It's kind of a perfect storm that we have too much information … [and] it's a nasty and more judgmental world," she says.

Dent advocates for "dirty children, children climbing trees, jumping into puddles".

Making mess is part of growing up, Dent says. ( Getty: Natalie Board )

"Your kids are supposed to make a mess. They're supposed to draw on the wrong place and smear Vaseline over everything — they're like scientists testing hypotheses," she says.

"You are not meant to control children, you are meant to teach and guide them and give them opportunities to do exactly what they need to do as they develop for each of the unique stages."

And she has a message for mums who feel like they're failing: you're not.

"Guilt for mummies is huge, lying awake at night double guessing every decision you made all day. We didn't do that in the generation before," Dent says.

"We just went to sleep, or if our children weren't asleep we would have just dealt with it without having to say that we're wrong or there's something wrong with us."

Her advice to parents:

"Do everything you can to slow your life down. Childhood is meant to be slow, it's not meant to be rushed. Slow it down."

Luke Benedictus, co-founder of The Father Hood

Sarah Eagle and Luke Benedictus with their son Joe. ( Supplied )

Fatherhood changed everything for Luke Benedictus: his relationship with his wife Sarah, his outlook on work, his "conception of time".

"It changed how I view the spatial dimensions of my car, it changed everything I did," he says.

"I don't think I expected it to rock the foundations of my world so profoundly."

But Benedictus struggled to find any media resources for dads.

"There's a mountain of websites, blogs that are tailored for mums but there's just not the same resources for dads," Benedictus says.

It was mind-blowing given fatherhood is undergoing a massive reinvention.

Benedictus says given about 60 per cent of Australian families have two parents in the workforce, dads have a huge opportunity to be involved in day-to-day tasks.

"Better fathers make for better relationships — a better family. At the same time though I think it is a challenge because … traditional gender roles are pretty much dead," he says.

"We are the first generation of dads who have to try and perhaps try and make it work."

So he decided to do something to help fill that information gap.

He quit his full-time job as a magazine editor and, with a few mates, created The Father Hood website, which aims to help dads "survive and thrive with expert advice, practical support and road-tested tips on parenting, relationships, gear and life".

Luke Benedictus says fathers these days are more involved which is good news for families. ( Supplied )

And a lot has changed for this generation of dads.

Benedictus says they're more likely to be the birthing suite than the previous generation, and that leads on into family life.

University of Warwick research showed in 1982, 43 per cent of fathers had never changed a nappy. By 2000 the figure had dropped to just 3 per cent.

"You're going to be changing nappies, getting up in the night when your child wakes up," Benedictus says.

"It's just an absolutely non-negotiable part of being a father."

Dads spend three times as many hours with their kids each week than fathers in 1965, according to a Pew Research Centre study.

It also found dads find it difficult to balance work and family life.

"I think in the same way that women have long struggled with that balance between work and family … men are also feeling that more keenly than ever," Benedictus says.

"It's a really individual thing for each couple to manage. There's got to be a bit of give and take on both sides."

His tip:

"Always carry tissues and keep your sense of humour."

Hannah Dobson, founder of The Baby Cino Club

Hannah Dobson with her husband Nicholas and children Audrey and Alby. ( Supplied )

Mother-of-two Hannah Dobson says mothers put "a huge amount of expectations" on themselves.

For many new mums, returning to work is an essential financial move. But that doesn't make it easy.

"It takes compromise and understanding from employers, family members, communities, day care or early minding services," Dobson says.

She says parents also have different lifestyle expectations these days, and weaker "tribes" of support.

"We want it all and we are lead to believe we can have it all, if we work hard towards it," Dobson says.

Loading...

"Our generation doesn't know how to go without, so keeping up with the Joneses is the norm and expected of parents … adding extreme financial pressures that are debilitating."

Dobson set up The Baby Cino Club in Adelaide after feeling isolated as a new mum.

"I don't believe that parents are meant to be left on their own to survive this stage," she says.

"I believe that they are meant to be surrounded by a tribe of support, which is lacking from today's modern society, so that's what I'm trying to create — a village."

She says the club, which meets often at playgrounds, is a place for mums and dads to make connections in a non-judgmental space.

She says it's important to remember that "a picture does not speak 1,000 words".

"I have captured some of the prettiest photos whilst amongst piles of washing, kicking the piles out of the way, faking smiles, adding a happy comment to accompany the photo like 'these kids have my heart'," she says.

"No-one sees the behind the scenes and the challenges it took to get through the day."

Her tip:

"Find your people to make a village."

Midwife Kate Bergamasco

Midwife Kate Bergamasco specialises in hypnobirthing and caring for mothers after birth. ( Supplied )

Kate Bergamasco, a veteran midwife of 29 years, says parents are shell-shocked when they bring home their little bundles of joy.

"I think they're often so focused on the birth that they don't really think beyond that day," she says.

"You are on a high for the first 48 hours and then on day three there's that big drop in emotions … nobody has really told them what it was really going to be like."

She says social media can be a potentially dangerous space for new parents.

The online tribe talking in the middle of night could "be a good thing" but the downside is some people "kind of cover up what they are really feeling".

"They're getting really inaccurate information from other people rather than actually looking at what the evidence is saying," she adds.

Ms Bergamasco also takes aim at "so-called sleep experts" who aren't following evidence about baby feeding routines — which can impact a mum's milk supply and her emotional wellbeing.

"There's these sleep training books. They work well for some mums but there's a lot of mums who they don't work for and that causes them to be more anxious because they think there's something wrong with them or their baby."

By consulting widely, mums aren't getting consistency, says Ms Bergamasco, who specialises in hypnobirthing and supporting mothers after birth with breastfeeding and settling techniques.

The ramifications are "huge", she says, "because instead of reading your baby and getting to know your babies cues and responding appropriately you're trying to follow a routine perhaps you've read about".

She suggests looking for education courses to help with what life is like in the first six weeks of a baby's life, which isn't covered in most hospital courses.

Other possible supports include finding a mentor you trust and private midwives, some of whom have Medicare rebates, to help in the first few weeks.

Her advice:

"Cuddle your baby, have skin-on-skin contact and find a trusted person for advice."