It’s in films, songs, BBC adaptations of Russian epic novels – sex is taken for granted as being part of adult life. But how does it feel to be a virgin in your 30s and 40s?

We asked you as part of our new series, How it feels, in which readers discuss life’s big experiences. Here’s what you said:

‘I have always fallen for people who are unavailable’

I was a Christian until my early 20s, so I didn’t sleep with my boyfriend at university – otherwise he would have been the first. I haven’t been in a proper relationship since then because I’ve always fallen for people who were unavailable in some way.

I only recently fell in love properly for the first time. The man I’m with is older and damaged after a difficult divorce, so our relationship is moving very slowly. I haven’t told him I’m a virgin but I think he will be OK with it. He seems to accept me exactly as I am. I feel like we are soulmates.

The reason I have waited so long is because I didn’t want the first time to be a one-night stand (I’ve had a few opportunities that way, and while I am still a virgin I have done other things). Fortunately every man with whom I’ve been in any way physical has been very understanding and not pushed. Obviously they didn’t come back, with a few exceptions. One man hung around thinking he would be the first, but I realised it was because it would be a feather in his cap; he didn’t care about me. Anonymous woman, 42

‘I battle social anxiety due to my physical appearance’

I am still a virgin because of my crippling social anxiety, possibly due to my large facial growths. As a child I was often bullied by girls, so it took a good 20 years before I plucked up the courage to “get out there”. I still have not had a relationship that has gone to “that level”. Being a virgin isn’t something I dwell on day to day. Occasionally though, I do wonder what I am missing out on. It seems that sex is something our society is obsessed about, even though in reality I believe everyone can live without. Anonymous man, 49

‘I am still a virgin because I am very well endowed’

The reason I am still a virgin is that I am very well endowed. The ladies in my life have found it really hard to relax when it comes to having sex with me due to expecting intercourse to hurt them. I have been intimate in other ways, however, and even been in three long-term relationships. I know there are ladies out there that prefer a larger man, I just haven’t found them. After all, sex is about pleasure – if both parties are not experiencing pleasure during sex then it’s not a very balanced sexual relationship.



Being a virgin later in life feels the same as being a virgin as a teenager. The only difference is, rather than worrying about being the odd one out, there are more things going on in the world to be hung up over. My friends tend to wonder why I haven’t made it my life goal to have sex. Especially now kids are being born in our circle of friends. I don’t particularly want children, so that point mystifies them in its entirety. Anonymous man, 32

Photograph: Alamy

‘As a gay woman in a small town it’s hard to meet people’

I am 41 and gay and have always lived in a small town with very limited access to any kind of gay community. Although I have been to a few gay clubs I have never met anyone there.

I have never had to worry about things like bikini waxes, or staying slim for a partner

It wasn’t a problem until I was about 30; I always thought I just hadn’t met the right person, but as time goes on, meeting someone gets harder. It isn’t the lack of sex that I hate but the lack of a relationship. I miss having someone to talk to in the evenings, and it’s tough not having someone to make major life decisions with. It just feels like a whole section of my life I am missing out on.

What worries me most about sex is that I have no experience, I have never had to show my body to anyone and although I am in no way ugly I have never had to worry about things like bikini waxes, or staying slim for a partner. I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to. But when I do finally meet someone, will my naked body be OK for my partner?



Also the actual act of having sex scares me – what do I do? I suppose any partner will have more experience than me and if they are caring they will tell me what to do without making me feel stupid, but it’s just getting over that hurdle. I’m not desperate to have sex, but when/if it happens I will need someone to be understanding and help me through my first experience. Anonymous woman, 41

‘I was a virgin until 42 – my first time was cosmic’

I was a virgin until 42, and there were several reasons: I was introverted, bookish, and strong-willed. I have always been a good Catholic, so simply decided a career in science and many rich friendships were preferable to marriage etc.



I had a happy and fulfilled life and career, and did much volunteer work which was emotionally fulfilling. Quite unexpectedly, at 42, I met a Catholic widower aged 68. It was love at first sight and we have just celebrated our silver wedding anniversary. My first time after all those years was odd; it was as if my reality shifted about half an inch in an unexpected direction. It took me a couple of days to adjust to the fact of it. My status as a person had changed: I no longer lived for myself alone. I had admitted another, whom I completely trusted, into myself, to share my being. That is cosmic and it was worth waiting for. Anonymous woman, 68

‘I am asexual, being a virgin does not bother me’

I’m asexual. I don’t experience sexual attraction to any gender and I don’t desire sexual experiences with others. I’ve been curious at times – the media makes such a big deal about sex so I’ve been curious as to whether it’s as fun as people say it is. But I also worry about sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

I’m aware that [virginity at this age] is considered unusual, but it doesn’t bother me personally. There’s an asexual community online and we have regular meet ups, and I have a lot of asexual friends, so I know I’m not alone. Most of my friends and family have been very accepting, although some have found it difficult to empathise.

I’m personally not interested in romantic relationships at all, but if I was, I wouldn’t be too worried, because I know there are other asexual people out there and it is possible to meet someone who would be content with a non-sexual relationship. Anonymous woman, 40

‘I have given up hope of ever finding someone’

What woman of my age would want a man who​’s​ has had no sexual relationships or experiences?

I am paralysed from the waist down, as a result of a congenital spinal condition. I am also taking medication for high blood pressure, which has robbed me of the ability to get and sustain an erection. Because I am disabled, I have always found it difficult to get into relationships. Constant rejections led me to the conclusion that women weren’t interested in me because of my disability.

What does it feel like to be a virgin later in life? There is still a great stigma around it. People take it as read that you are choosing to abstain from sex – often for religious reasons. Neither is true in my case. And the longer my virginity has festered, the harder it’s been to get rid of it. What woman of my age would want a man who has had no sexual relationships or experiences? Some friends know, but it isn’t something I advertise. I’ve given up hope of ever finding someone. It feels like I’m not allowed to be happy. Anonymous man, 47

Share your views in the comments. To recommend another area for our readers to talk candidly about please email sarah.marsh@theguardian.com