"Ready to pump some roasted bean water down the ol' gullet!" I exclaim. Quickly amd with fast speed I walk into Coffee Restaurant STAR BUCKS. "Down" Down the hatch!" I add. Carefully do I examine a BEVERAGE menu.... so many options! All equally tasty and healthy!! I m'ade the right choice coming here. Petition to ban Olaf from Frozen 2 CLICK HERE I have settled my mind up- today's lucky winner is ESPRESSO. Fresh Brewed grade A best quality roast... I'm very impresso. "Let's get this SHITFEST going..." I leisurely amble to the counter. These allegations against Olaf must be taken seriously.

"I do'll have the Espresso please," I plead, "and size it up LARGE." Around turns the barista Jack Sparrow! Rogue captain from the high seas!

Alloy "A hoy MATEY," draws Jack, "what can I get you?"

"Espresso large I JUST said it" I must repeat ahhoyed.

Captain Jack Sparrow squints so hard and wiggles his arms like the inflationable tube man.

"You must order a size, Savvvy?" The swashbuckler prods.

I reply in much vexation: "Large!" I shout for the THIRD time now. You have got to be YANKING my CHAIM here

"No we don't have 'large'," opines Jack Stiller.

"JUST

JUST Give me the LARGEST cup then! From Pete's sake!" Indeed I am causing a scene in Coffee Parlor STAR BUCKS.

"Absolutely matey," assures divilish handsome sailor to me, "the cup names are riiiiight over yonder. Just tell me which one." Now he points to ludicrious SIZE chart....



'Trento??' 'Gran de??' what in the heck



"None of this speaks English!!" white hot enraged I scream. "Did I step into some GOSH DAMN Portal to Portugal? JUST. PLEASE GIVE. ME. THIS ONE ." A shaking finger digit of mine points at the big cup. "Labeled" "Venti". fuck me in the esophagus already what's even happened with this COUNTRY...? "Ooooh, that one," understanding nods Jock Spareribs. "No problem I'll get right on that right away." FINALLY. THANK JESUS ".....if you can just tell me what size you wanted that espresso....?" MOTHER MARY call the CEMETARY

Again his roasted panda face is squinting at me now... He wiggles his fingers TOO MANY FUCKY JEWELRY on them. As chery on top of this asscake he whispers: "....Savvy?"

In one FELL SWOOP I jump over this Star Bricks countertop and persevere in strangling captain Jack Sparrow with his own DREADFUL LOCKS. The pirate man busts out the "Kratate" CHOPS and keeps squeezing me windpipe in a head lock?"

"Say it! Say it!" I am being urged by 'Pirate on the Caribbean' leading actor. "Say 'Venti', you cuckold vagabond! Say VENTI Brain lacks fresh brewed oxygen; I fade into darkness.... COP sirens wail through the background.... Final thought before I depart this moral coil: " Olaf did this..." LATER Now I do wake up in a Jail Cell. Huh? Jail cell Huh?

Both captain crunch Captain Jack and I have been charged with "disably conduct". As it does turn out. And we are knocked "locked "up" together.

"Where has the RUM gone?" Jack Sparrow asks. "Rum is right here! Riiiiiiight here." He sloppy big gulps a swig of rum. And offers me "Do you want some rum? We are now in this pickle together matey. Savvy?"

"Yeah okay Jack. Le'ts bury the hatchet," I admit sincerely. "Let's become captains of a FRIEND ship you and me.

"Cheers matey!" he cheers. "Now just tell me what cup you want for this rum...."

as he's busting out the STAR BOACKS SIZE CHART AGAIN MOTHER

FUck.