WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT

With the nation’s politicians frantically doing their best to try and save the economy as it crashes onto the rocks of late-stage capitalism, the influencer industry looks set to benefit today.

With hundreds of billions of dollars in stimulus packages being announced over the last couple of days, the nation’s Head of Marketing has today revealed what the government will be doing to kick start the floundering influencers across the country.

After announcing that the government would be ensuring free child care for the next 6 months, Scotty from Marketing then revealed that treasury has peeled off 10 billion dollars to ensure that our nation’s softcore pornstars can keep living their lavish lifestyles.

“I’ve got a big package here for them,” said the Prime Minister today with a wink.

“Aye, Andrew you know what I mean, aye,” he laughed.

“A big package for em,” he then continued in his blokiest daggy dad voice.

“10 billion dollars, which will help job security payments to ensure the influencer sponsorship continues to roll in at the market rate.”

“Which will help to build sectioned of isolated man-made beaches and waterfalls that only influencers and their photographer boyfriends will be allowed to use.”

“And money to ensure that green juices, smoothies and other foodstuffs are available at all times.”

“This won’t just benefit the influencers, this will have huge flow-on effects, providing a lift in morale for our nation’s construction industry and stay at home teenage students.”

“So, if you are an influencer, we hear you. And we are here for you,” he finished before getting into a verbal joust with Andrew again.