Some folk occasionally like to engage in a spot of armchair or tabletop generalship, or perhaps, you know, dabble in tactics or history (or just plain common sense). If you’re one of these people, you may want to look away now.

You certainly should avoid this week’s Game of Thrones, which saw a truly laughable defence of the eponymous fortress in the (latest) Battle of Winterfell against the Night King and his Army of the Dead, and included some of the worst tactical decisions regarding fortifications since a Trojan said “Ooo… what a pretty horse. Let’s not burn it immediately.”

“You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Right. Especially regarding the defence of a fortress. [Image: HBO]

Alarm bells were ringing the previous episode, when we were privy to the war council and got a glimpse of the battle plan laid out on the table before them.

It was pretty evident then that they’d spent more time gleefully massing a horde of undead toy soldiers on one side of the table, than actually thinking up a coherent defensive strategy.

So where did it all go wrong? Pretty much everywhere, but let’s go over the basics of what they could have done differently. [SPOILERS ALERT!]

1.) Stay INSIDE the walls

“Hang on… I think I can see a flaw in our plan. In fact many, many flaws. In fact who put us in charge again?” [Image: HBO]

You’re facing overwhelming numbers and have a huge fortress. So USE IT. Thousands of Dothraki, Unsullied and Northmen might have been handy… manning the walls, perhaps?

2.) If you insist on facing The Dead in the open, get BEHIND a barricade

“Okay, everyone ready? Good. Now take 30 steps forward past this effective barricade and the trench of petrol. We don’t want an easy retreat, do we?” [Image: HBO]

The defenders pretty much get swept away by the initial wave of the dead, rather than sheltering behind the huge dragon-glass-encrusted obstacles sitting right behind them.

3.) Don’t hide in a CRYPT when facing a known NECROMANCER

“Lucky we’re down here with all the corpses and not up there with all the… hang on.” [Image: HBO]

Don’t protect your women and children (and dwarfs) from someone who can raise the dead, by hiding them in a basement filled with dead people.

Maybe they just assumed corpses had a shelf life or something? You know what they say about assumption…

4.) Man the walls BEFORE the enemy starts scaling them

The “Oh shi…” look [Image: HBO]

“Shall we man the walls then?”

“Nah. That small trench of burning petrol will hold them for, like, ever. Let’s have a cuppa first and… OH SHIT! MAN THE WALLS!”

5.) Have more than, like, 10 archers

“Here, hold all these arrows will you?” [Image: HBO]

There were more archers defending Bran in what was a close-combat scrap (again, dumb). Line the walls with them. Hell, give the women and kids crossbows. They’d be safer than in that bloody crypt.

6.) Stock the battlements

Pretty much page 1 of “An Idiots Guide to Castle Defence”

You know, things like BURNING OIL and BIG ROCKS have been known to be handy when defending a wall. Sometimes your best defence is gravity.

7.) Use light cavalry (with +1 fire damage) in a FLANKING attack

Light cavalry. Always good in a headlong charge against overwhelming numbers. NOT. [Image: HBO]

Or maybe just ditch the horses and MAN THE WALLS? Seriously, the careless waste of the elite Dothraki light horse in a frontal assault was perhaps the biggest tactical crime of the battle.

8.) Have your 3 Eyed Raven EFFECTIVELY SCOUT for enemy

“I’m going to go now, because this is a complete shitshow.” [Image: HBO]

On one hand it’s understandable that Bran would rather play with his VR head-set than have anything to do with the farce going on around him. But he might have actually given people the heads up about the enemy’s deployment.

“Ah, my ravens have just spotted the Night King. I think I’ll just keep that to myself.” Bran Stark: like a medieval Professor X with Cerebro… but crap.

9.) Don’t leave your DEAD lying around when facing a known NECROMANCER

“Jazz hands means… wakey-wakey!” [Image: HBO]

There’s plenty of fire around, plus two bloody huge dragons. BURN EVERYTHING. Kill it (again) with fire. Preferably though, give The Night King the minimum of fresh corpses in the first place. (see 7.)

10.) Use your ARTILLERY for more than 5 seconds

“Open fire!” “No! Wait until our own cavalry are in the way!” [Image: HBO]

Maybe put all those trebuchets and mangonels… INSIDE the walls? Definitely not in the front rank after your cavalry have buggered off for their Light Brigade routine.

11.) Don’t leave your MASTER TACTICIAN in the basement

“I drink, and I know things… like the fact I shouldn’t be down here, because the battle is being run by idiots.” [Image: HBO]

Tyrion was down there DRINKING and thus KNOWS THINGS. Like how to defend a castle, perhaps? He did okay at King’s Landing after all. Varis has been known to have the odd bright idea too.

There again neither of them noticed the danger of being locked in a crypt with a corpse-puppeting liche outside, so maybe they’re not that sharp after all.

12. Use your DRAGONS effectively

Why fly at the height of a castle wall above the battlefield… when you can just sit on the goddam wall and do the same?[Image: HBO]

Don’t mince about in the fog looking to dogfight dragons when you could be perched on a castle wall hosing down the dead and just waiting for the other dragon to rock up. Show offs.

Final Verdict

Shittest Castle Defence Ever.

Let’s hope they learn a few of the basics before Cersei and her Golden Company show up, or at least hire someone with half a clue.

Like this guy. He even knows how to address her properly…

Ash (Bruce Campbell) from Evil Dead: Army of Darkness