I’m fucking 34 years old. To some of you that is mad old. You’re like “that dude is gonna die soon”. Or you’re like “wow, are you a parent?”. Neither apply. And you know what? I’ve outlived Jesus. Yeah. It’s therefore logical to infer that I’m smarter than him, have made better life decisions and you would actually do better to listen to me. Fuck yeah. Now that we’ve cleared that I have unquestionable authority let’s get down to the nitty gritty. What is the worst shit in EDM today. Some would say everything. That’s an acceptable answer. The term EDM is fucking stupid as I explained here.

But what if we were picky? What if we picked the worst of the worst? Let’s stop fucking talking and start doing. I’m gonna force myself to actually listen to this shit for the first time in my life. Here’s the most garbage shit that is for noobs and uncools.

KREWELLA:

What in the fuck is this shit? They dress like punk emos and then the music sounds like Serbian Euro Dance from 1997. Who the fuck sees and hears this and is like “this is what I want”? Like look at this video:

It’s freakshow imagery paired with music that sounds like what Paris Hilton looks like. It’s like music made for sorority girls trying to teach new pledges how to suck dick by putting a condom on a banana. The lyrics are what 14 year olds write into their jeans. Here I am a grown man, well into adulthood writing about this and all over the world, grownups who call themselves music journalists write about them. Why? Do tweens read music blogs?

TIESTO

Why do people still care about Tiesto in 2014? This is the music he makes:

That track is like what they play in a Wallgreens in small town Oklahoma. People who vote Republican like this music. This is so safe and generic it’s actually certified as hypo-allergenic and fragrance-free. You could squirt this song in a baby’s eyes and the baby wouldn’t feel any pain. It’s that soft and inoffensive. This sounds like a focus group of moms who wear capris came up with this. Do people drive hundreds of kilometers and pay hundreds of dollars just for this guy? There’s a market for this?

HARDWELL

I was like “why is this guy voted by whoever votes for DJ Mag as the best DJ in the world, twice?” This seems like music for children. Like single digit age children that have not heard 100 million other fucking progressive house tracks before. I imagine if I was like a 5 year old, I could get really into this. Seems fun. I think he knows this too. Look at this video:

See? Perfect for the young ones. Very inoffensive. Good messages about helping your friends. Adults that like this probably also post shit like this:

Fuck this shit.

ARMIN VAN BUUREN

Again, what is the actual artistic interest in anything this guy makes. His music sounds like it’s made for people who like Taylor Swift and think she’s edgy. Like, look at this video:

Number 1: that seems like the exact same plot as the Tiesto video with people living free in the American desert. Number 2 isn’t this like the plot of that Britney Spears movie Crossroads or something? Right?

Anyway. I don’t think I can write about or listen to anymore of this music. My dick is getting so soft it might just melt into liquid and evaporate. Basically when did electronic music become drivel that seems to have been made by a committee of girls that work at the front desk in an office who took weak MDMA? So people are going to a major festival to listen to the EDM equivalent of that song that was the theme for “The Hills”?

Oh yeah wait:

STEVE AOKI

Can’t produce. Can’t DJ. Makes racist photos like this. Goddamn it I respect him for making millions. He’s definitely smarter than I am. Can’t hate the hustle. I actually find humour in the fact that at this very moment, there are probably multiple noobs in middle America arguing that he is the best DJ and producer. Somewhere there is a 14 year old boy posting on FB or Instagram or Tinder that Steve Aoki is his inspiration. He dreams of meeting Steve Aoki in his adolescent mind as people who are old like me wanted to meet Kurt Kobain. He thinks Steve Aoki would “get” him. His grandparents are forced to buy him Steve Aoki music at Christmas from the local Target because his mom told them that “that’s all he listens to right now”. They had to ask a clerk “do you have the Steve Aokis music?”.

Human life is a gift.