ATLANTIC OCEAN—Noting that the marine mammal looks for any excuse to bring up the incident, sources confirmed Friday that a local humpback whale still won’t shut up about the one time he was beached. “Christ, whenever someone even mentions the shore, the coast, sand, anything, he immediately chimes in with the same goddamn story about the time he got stranded out of the water for ‘a whole day,’” said a member of the whale’s pod, adding that the overdramatic cetacean constantly exaggerates how far up on the beach he was and “acts like he got stuck on the fucking boardwalk.” “We’ve all heard a million times that the only thing he could do was flap his tail and how it took 30 rescue workers to get him back into the ocean. Just give it a rest—anyone can be beached, okay? Big deal. Does he even realize that it’s actually way more impressive to, you know, stay in the water?” At press time, sources close to the whale conceded that his story about being entangled in fishing nets was actually pretty cool, though they’d never give that annoying asshole any satisfaction by telling him.

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