Deck the Halls with boughs of… really nerdy Christmas specials. Uncanny Fox here, ready to kick of the Holiday season with a look at some of the dumbest Yuletide specials to ever grace the screens of Geekdom. And we’re starting with a doozy: the 1994 Direct-to-Video Power Rangers special, Alpha’s Magical Christmas, starring everyone’s favorite fully sentient,multi-functional automaton, Alpha 5.

As I mentioned in my mini-review of Dimensions In Danger (obligatory shameless plug here), I’m a big Power Rangers nerd. Yet strangely enough, this special passed me by, as it was originally released in October of1994 (yeah, a Christmas special in October. Then again, the episode of Mighty Morphin where they fought the Pumpkin Rapper came out in May of all months) as a Power Rangers Fan Club exclusive. I did however get the somewhat improved audio tape/book version, called Lord Zedd’s Holiday Humbug, which actually had Lord Zedd in it, as well as a monster battle (you know, Power Rangers stuff). But now, thanks to it being included in the special features of the Super Samurai Christmas DVD, I get to watch this thing through the eyes of an adult jaded by a lifetime of disappointment and Ulcerative Colitis. Which is probably not the mindset one needs to enjoy this video, but that’s the way the Christmas cookie crumpled here.

It was apparently the brainchild of Cheryl Saban, wife of then-franchise owner Haim Saban, as an attempt to give the Rangers’ faithful robot assistant Alpha 5 his own starring role, which Alpha’s voice actor Richard Steven Horvitz hoped would led to some more merchandise of the little android.That didn’t happen (all he got was one lousy figure during the 2010 re-version of Season 1, a good decade after this special came out and was subsequently lost to time. Seriously, get on that Hasbro), but I will admit this isn’t a bad idea. Alpha didn’t really have much focus in the series proper, so a shortside-story about him could have worked really well, maybe focusing on his life outside of helping the Rangers,or even show the origin of how he came to be Zordon’s assistant (seriously, get on that Boom Studios). The key words in that sentence are “could have.” This is… not that. At all. In fact, I’m pretty sure this set Alpha’s popularity back about 5 Troys.

So, in that spirit, let’s rip off the wrapping paper and see if this present is that Legacy Collection Megazord we’ve been asking for all year… or just another pair of used underwear from the shady guy behind the dumpster. With a stain on the back.

The special begins at the Command Center (which is actually the Brandeis-Bardin Campus’s House of the Book, a resort spot at the American Jewish University in Simi Valley, California. It’s been used as a location in Star Trek, The Twilight Zone, and several music videos), with Alpha 5 greeting the viewers and telling them about how happy and excited he is for Christmas while he puts the finishing touches on his tree. He goes on to say that he was feeling pretty sad that morning, and trust me, he’s not the only one…

The scene then fades to Alpha telling Zordon how he can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit,since the Power Rangers are off helping Santa with his last minute sleigh prep.The Viewing Globe shows some generic stock footage of a dude in a Santa suit petting a reindeer, and I hope you like generic stock footage because this special is loaded with it.

Alpha declares that he’s got a bright idea to get the Rangers home for Christmas, but Zordon reminds him that they have a big job to do. Nonetheless, Alpha is bound and determined to carry out his plan – which is to put up lights and decorations like everyone else around the world, so Santa and the Rangers would have to come over. Uh, I’m sure the Rangers were coming back anyway. They still have that whole “protecting the Earth” thing going on.

He taps a few buttons on his console (temporarily changing the room to stock footage from the show in the process), then magically summons a bunch of holly wreaths and lights to cover the place. Okay, he’s been known to teleport things in past episodes, so this isn’t too far-fetched aside from the fact that the special is treating this like magic instead of the super-advanced technology it’s usually played as. Zordon concedes, and tells Alpha to push the red button (which one? There’s two) to summon his present to the little robot: a fully-decorated Christmas tree that slowly descends from the heavens like Tommy did when he first became the White Ranger.

Alpha gushes on that this is just like magic, realizing that this was what was missing from his decorations and announcing that Santa and the Rangers will have to come now. He lays down some blue tinsel while a stock recording of “Oh Christmas Tree” plays in the background. Yes, there’s Christmas music in this episode, folks. And there’s random cuts to stock footage of various houses around the world (most of which don’t even look decorated), and the same two kids putting ornaments on a tree. This goes on for darn near three minutes.

After it finally ends, Alpha bemoans that even though he knows the Rangers have important work to do, he misses them and that Christmas isn’t the same if you are all alone. Zordon agrees, and tells him that even though the Rangers can’t come home, he’s made some “special arrangements” for Alpha to have company for the night. He tells his robot friend to push the green button on the console (and thankfully,there’s only one)…

In order to teleport some balls of light (crap, this is giving me flashbacks to the Omega Ranger in SPD) from the random houses shown before over to the Command Center, where they materialize as children to another stock recording of “Here We Come A-Caroling.” They run over all hug Alpha, which is not the thing I would be doing if I randomly teleported to some strange building with a robot and a creepy ghost head in a tube hanging on the wall.

Wait, did Zordon kidnap these kids? Seriously Z, it’s not enough to recruit teenagers to fight in your ancient blood feud with a crazy Asian moon witch and her Necromorph husband, but now your abducting kids just to sing Christmas carols? What happened to the whole “only those with a Power Coin can enter the Command Center because its location must be kept secret” thing? You just throw that out the window whenever your robot servant gets lonely? And were you stalking these kids beforehand? Do their parents know what’s going on here? Did you ask permission before you just teleported their children to an unknown location to do Gosei knows what? Did you offer the kids candy or something to go along with this? Maybe it’s just modern times talking, but this whole premise is creepy as hell.

Two minutes later, the music finally ends, Alpha welcomes the kids to the Command Center and thanks them all for coming, to which they unconvincingly reply “anytime!”The first thing Alpha wants to do is make decorations, and the kids get to work making some out of popcorn and paper, which still doesn’t look as good as the stuff Alpha can make out of thin air, a fact he has no problem demonstrating to them.

Alpha and the kids start “singing” “Deck The Halls” (which is really just another stock recording with Richard Steven Horvitz singing over top it – and the kids don’t even bother to lip-sync half the time) as he conjures up some holiday stuff to fill the Command Center, and a little girl claps and says “Yay!” I’m bringing that last part up for a reason. This scene ends two minutes later with a snowman in a snow-globe… winking? Okay, if my knowledge of the Power Rangers universe is correct (and I’ve been watching the show my whole life, so it probably is), they need to kill that thing right now before it grows up and starts speaking in terrible rap.

Alpha congratulates the kids on their decorations (right after he flexed with his own back there), before going on about how families have their own Christmas traditions (for instance, last year my mom tried this thing where we opened the presents in matching pajamas) and asking the kids what they do on the big day.One boy talks about how he goes sleigh riding, and Alpha asks if the sleigh has jingle bells on it. Which leads to… you guessed it, “Jingle Bells,” while Alpha passes the kids, you guessed it, actual jingle bells. We then cut to the Viewing Globe, which plays some more generic stock footage of people riding in sleighs. There’s seriously so much padding in this special that it’s all geared up to play in the Super Bowl.

After the song,Alpha points out that it’s too cold outside to go sledding (why’d you make a whole production out of it, then? Plus, you’re in the middle of the desert.There is no snow anyway), and the little girl from before asks if they can make Christmas cookies. Alpha agrees, and the girl claps and says “yay!” exactly the same way she did before. As in the clip is recycled. And they do it again at some point in this thing, despite us clearly seeing it 3 minutes ago.

Alpha whips out a pan of gingerbread and tells the kids about a king who was out in the cold one night, prompting a recording of “Good King Wenceslas” (I’m afraid I’m not too familiar with that one) as the kids get to work decorating the cookies…

…Which Alpha then eats. And I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that Alpha 5 is a robot. With no digestive system of any kind. Or a mouth. He then asks another kid what he’s thinking about in that moment, and the kid replies“presents.” Of course. Alpha tells the kids that Santa’s helpers are hard at work wrapping their gifts for the morning, and then they “sing” “Upon the Housetop” as Alpha hands out presents of his own to his guests… which he didn’t know he’d be having until they were “borrowed,” meaning he had no time to figure out what to get them. I mean, I guess you could say he made them appear like he did the decorations,but still…

Once the song’s over, Alpha reminds the kids not to open their gifts until Christmas morning.One of the girls asks him if he thinks Santa will come to her house, and Alpha assures her that he comes to all good children (unless the girl’s not as good as Alpha thinks she is. For all we know, she could be one of those kids that starts fires). Then the monster attack alarm goes off, and you think that we’re finally going to get some Ranger action, but no, Zordon says it’s just the North Pole with a message.

The Viewing Globe shows Santa and the Rangers (with Tommy in his Green suit, I’ll say why I pointed this out later) stuffing gifts into the latter’s bag and waving at the camera. Santa tells the children that he and the Rangers are almost done filling the sleigh. And as he announces that he’ll soon be flying with his reindeer,I can’t help but notice his obviously fake beard that goes up and down while he talks. It’s just so obvious. At least in other Power Rangers Christmas episodes (that majority of which are freaking clip shows anymore), they actually got a Santa with a real beard.

Alpha then leads the kids in a recording of “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas” as they… play with their presents? I thought they weren’t supposed to open those until Christmas morning!

Anywho, after that’s done, the clapping girl asks Alpha what he’s wishing for. The robot replies that all he wants is to see the Rangers again, leading to a montage of scenes from the show as “I’ll be Home for Christmas” plays in the background. Among these clips are scenes of Rocky, Adam and Aisha, who came into the show in Season 2 after Jason, Zack and Trini wanted a rai – I mean, were sent off to a peace conference in Switzerland… as well as Tommy in his White Ranger suit! Both of which came after his Green one was lost forever,and we just saw him in it at the North Pole in Green! Oh, and there’s some random shots of the Rangers playing basketball. Because nothing says “Happy Holidays” quite like remembering that sick dunk shot Tommy landed back in the park.

After the song ends, the girl reassures Alpha that the Rangers would be there if they could. Zordon cuts in and tells Alpha that the portal to send the kids home is ready.Alpha starts to object, but realizes that it’s Christmas Eve and that the parents would start to worry (or call the FBI to find their children, who have been abducted by a wizard to spend the night in his bizarre temple in the middle of nowhere). He thanks the kids for making his Christmas Eve special, and they give Alpha a gift of his own. One that doesn’t need batteries, will never wear out, and can be taken wherever you like. It’s love, which most of the time is just code for “I totally forgot to get you something, and I just blew my Christmas bonus on lotto tickets.”

They sing one last pre-recording before they go: “Silent Night.” Which leads me to point out that the episode actually keeps the religious references to God and Jesus in some of the songs, which is kind of rare for the series, and probably has more to do with the fact that this was a straight-to-video release and not broadcast. We actually get a shot of the Virgin Mary in the Viewing Globe. And to be fair, it’s not completely far-fetched for Zordon and Alpha to know about Jesus, since they’ve been on Earth since the Prehistoric age, meaning they were present during his life and times. On the other hand, according to the Sentai season this show was based off of, God is a giant, transforming dinosaur robot, so who knows what’s the deal here…

As that’s going on, Alpha leads the children toward a door with a white light coming out of it,which I’m guessing is the “portal” to take the kids home. Or the room where Alpha and Zordon made the White Ranger’s suit, but why would he take them there? And for that matter, why couldn’t Zordon just teleport them in Sam-balls like he did before? And why does it look like Alpha’s leading the children to get slaughtered and made into Soylent Green?

Once they’re gone, Alpha thanks Zordon for what he calls “the best Christmas ever,” a statement that is way sadder than all of Alpha’s mopping about being lonely before. The Attack alarm goes off again, but it’s just the Rangers (or at least Tommy, Kimberly and Billy) teleporting back from helping Santa. And Tommy’s in his Green suit again! What, did he already have the Master Morpher at this point? Why didn’t he whip that out during any of the group’s various battles?

Zordon explains that Rocky, Adam and Aisha are with their families, but they left a special“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” message on the Viewing Globe. Zordon also mentions Jason, Zack and Trini, who are still over at the Peace Conference. A neat little reference to past events, even though the continuity in this special is all shot to the Abyss Of Evil.

Billy explains that they need to head back (wait, I thought you guys were done), and Kimberly adds that they just had to visit. Tommy brings the feels by wishing that Alpha will always have a smile in his heart, before the Rangers break the fourth wall to tell the audience that they hope the New Year brings happiness and a safe world where we’ll all be free to be ourselves, and that 1995 will be the year we achieve peace on earth. Yeah, about that…

With that, the Rangers say that they need to get back to help Santa load his sleigh (WEREN’T YOU GUYS DONE DOING THAT?!?) But before they leave, Alpha has a special surprise for them: he makes it snow in the Command Center. Somehow. I’m just numb at this point.

Then everyone wishes the audience a Merry Christmas before sending the special off with, you guessed it, a pre-recording of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” as more clips play.Which is a mixed blessing, because while Amy Jo Johnson has a beautiful singing voice, Jason David Frank can’t carry a tune to save his life. Both have been demonstrated on the show. At least we get one shot of Bulk and Skull, man did they dodge a bullet here.

After that’s over, the scene fades back to Alpha telling the story in the beginning, as he thanks the view for sharing his “Magical Christmas” with him, and the credits roll to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

So, now that we’ve finished talking about the story, on to Pros and Cons:

Pros:

The idea of giving Alpha more focus isn’t a bad one.

Props to Richard Steven Horvitz for being able to sing in his Alpha voice.

Cons:

Pretty much everything else.

This special, oh this special. It’s… filler. Pure,uninteresting, confusing filler that isn’t even consistent with its own plot, much less the larger continuity of the show. It attempts to be cute with Alpha and the kids singing songs and doing Christmas stuff, but just ends up being eye-rolling and more than a little disturbing. If you want a Power Rangers Christmas episode to watch with your kids, I’d go with Season 3’s “I’m Dreaming Of A White Ranger,” that one actually has the Rangers doing stuff and some genuinely sweet moments. I would only recommend this video to the hardest of hardcore Power Rangers fans who must watch every piece of media related to the series… but chances are they’ve already seen it in, and hate it far more than I do.

And we’ve only just started our walk in a Winter Blunderland, folks. Next week, we return to our favorite sewer-dwelling New Yorkers, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to review their crappy direct-to-video Holiday musical, 1994’s We Wish You A Turtle Christmas.‘Till then, I’ve been The Uncanny Fox.Live long, stay gold, and Happy Hanukah. I know that’s weird to say after reviewing a Christmas video, but you guys don’t really have that many terrible video specials featuring famous superheroes butchering classic songs. Consider yourselves lucky.

Elsewhere:

A dark figure in a trench coat walks up to an unmarked grave in the middle of a desert burial ground. He pulls out a shovel and starts digging. After about five hours of continuous manual labor (give or take time for water or bathroom breaks), he pulls out the thing he came for: an ancient wooden box, containing something that should have never existed, that should never be unleashed into the world again. But now it has been unearthed, and two terrifying words echo throughout the land:

Stir, whip.