friends should love you for who you are, not ridicule you or shame you. i don’t know if it was the long flight, the 8 days sharing a bed together, or just the fact that she doesn’t understand my anxiety… but my friend C did something that i never imagined she would do. she told me to change, she didn’t accept me for me, she made me question our friendship with one swift move.



“just think about something different, learn how to turn it off,” she said exasperatingly. “i had anxiety for two years and i learned how to do it.”



what. the. fuck.

i tell her about the psychologist i visit each week, the psychiatrist every month; the yoga i do in the mornings, the fish oil, vitamin D, st. john’s wort supplements different doctors prescribed to treat the issue. acupuncture twice a month. 150 mg of an anti-depressant, a SNRI, after fucking up my chemistry by trying 6 different SSRIs over 10 years.

i tell her this. i try to, at least. she keeps sighing, saying, “Jess, I don’t know what to tell you. do a crossword puzzle. say all the state names. just stop being so anxious.”



i fall asleep almost every night listening to a meditation that is supposed to ease the nightmares. sometimes i have to play it 2 or 3 times in a row to be able to sleep and stop shaking. i still wake up screaming, heart racing, drenched in sweat… sometimes. not as much as before.



i have been suffering from anxiety for the majority of my young life. i’ve seen over 20 different doctors, in 4 states. i’ve applied for anxiety research studies, trying to find new methods and treatments. i’ve exhausted myself over and over by thinking how i became so messed up.



and she sits there, looks at me in the eyes, and tells me that she feels like she has to babysit me. that i affected the group dynamic on vacation. that she thinks i shouldn’t travel until i “get this under control.”

my mouth is agape, my heart racing, the tears welling up in my eyes like hot geysers, ready to pop. i look out the window at the passing lights on the bridge and immediately want to jump out. in my head, i escape, rolling gently into the waters below. anything to get out of this car and not let her see me cry. apparently i am a crybaby to her.



i question everything.

