Hey there. A few things are revealed to blurtlander this week that have been plaguing him. They mostly involve Jamie’s sexual history. Remember when he thought Jamie couldn’t be in the castle walls because he was a manwhore? Yeah.

We have a special guest this week. Watch for it.

If this is your first time with Things My Husband Says During Outlander, check out the rest of the series here.

ENJOY!

What’s Past is Prologue

Again. No nudity

DAMMIT.

Do they have to explain the entire show before every episode?

All they really need to say is: We promised you sex and we lied.

No one cares about Jack Black and his little red coat.

[feigning shock] That guy looks just like him!

What could it all MEAN?

God her legs are dirty. Wish she’d wash them sumbitches.

Oh, I bet they’re hairy too.

AND HER PITS.

AND … [CENSORED]

Let’s Do This

Why doesn’t she just tell him no?

She doesn’t have to go with that punk.

What is that tin medallion around his neck supposed to protect him from?

Hickeys?

Mosquito bites?

At the start of an episode, he’s really into details

Can Dougal not go there freely?

Were they not gonna head to this village eventually?

I mean, don’t the people who live there owe him rent or whatever too?

CONTINUITY, folks.

You know what they need? William Wallace to come straighten some shit out.

Eh, that’s ALL fake. There’s no way that village area’s still standing like that. It’s too clean looking.

He’s Got Theories about Lord Thomas’ Jerkiness

Why is he acting so ridiculous?

Because she’s a woman?

Is he into her?

Oh, I bet he’s into dudes.

And hiding it.

Oh, Dougal has to stand until he’s asked to sit down, I guess?

Looks like he’s into Dougal to be honest.

Insult him. Sure. Make everyone think you hate him because you so don’t.

Dougal: You should’ve stayed in London

Him: Ooooo.

He’s just burning Dougal left and right.

Aye. Just say aye, DougalBerry.

Are they ever going to let him sit down?

I guess the commander can’t have him in there, screwing up his game.

Giving away his preference for big Scottish wiener.

Everyone would know.

Wait for it, Blurty

She’s a-going HOME!

And then that guy that looks like her husband is going to show up and ruin everything.

C***sucker.

See?

Who covers their wine like that?

Does Jack Black have leprosy or something that he’s worried about flying into his goblet?

Oh, Thomas knows what’s up with them.

Claire: I had the same exact experience.

Him: When you tried to rape me, you asswipe.

Why didn’t she just bust him out?

He could’ve been discharged … or whatever they did back then.

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WTF is even doing right now?

Isn’t he under-ranking?

Dude. Keep your day job by not being an asshole.

Who’s McGreavy?

Am I supposed to know who that is?

Jack: He was cradling his severed head.

Him: HA!

Claire: It is their land and we are occupying it.

Him: Welp. She shouldn’t have said THAT.

Why does he hate her SO much?

I don’t get it.

Him and his wrinkled ass face.

Blurtlander Is Not a Great Nursemaid

Are we gonna watch her do this surgery?

EWWWwwww.

Doctor: Bite until your teeth crack!

Him: Don’t do that.

Ew my god. I don’t know how anyone can do that.

Don’t you think they need to give that opium a little more time to set?

She looks decidedly unhappy with that bone sawing noise.

I feel ya, Sassewitch.

I’ll Take An Erotic Grooming for $200

Cut that prick’s throat, private.

I wonder if that guy is shaving with the same razor that dude is using 200 years earlier. That’d be cool.

Or it’s not f***ing cool, it’s f***ing lame.

Probably all nasty and dirty.

With ancient smallpox on it or whatever.

Claire: And who’s going to protect me?

Him: Dingleberry Mackenzie is.

Claire’s like … just lemme do it, stupid soldier boy. Get out of the way.

Why is this whole thing turning him on?

[Jack drops wine bottle]

He really gives no f***s about pissing off his superior.

Real Quick Dialogue Addendum

Jack: …in a state of extreme discomfort

Him: Someone needs to do something with this hard-on I’ve had for the last couple of months.

She just put some gross bloody rag on the table.

But I guess it’s not like they had AIDS back then.

OH HO, he called her a hooker.

(sounding a little too interested) What does rouge your nipples mean?

WTF is he doing? Is he gonna cut himself?

Was he drawing her? WTF.

All I saw was a butter knife.

Like he was scratching two butter knives together.

[“beautiful lies”] HAHAHA

Knows her rights.

“Am I being detained?”

Jack: Until I am satisfied.

Him: Well, that ain’t happening because I am no a hoor.

The Whipping Scene

How does that not get infected?

That doesn’t look like 100 lashes, looks like 25.

100 would be a lot more damaged.

Why didn’t Dougal step in and stop it?

Why couldn’t he? They are in Scotland.

Shouldn’t he bleed to death?

How’d he not?

I think I’m gonna throw up.

OMG HIS SKIN IS HANGING OFF.

This is ridiculous.

You would think Dougal would have a lot more respect for Jamie.

And not be a dickhead.

Looks like his soldiers are gonna say, “Hey … stop, now. For real. That’s enough, psycho.”

Jack: We were making a masterpiece.

Him: He done f***ing lost his damn mind.

If that piece of sh*t did that to me I would stab him with an icicle.

Then I would stick my d**k in his eye.

To embarrass him for having a d**k in his eye.

Claire: A man with your self-knowledge … can do anything he wants.

Him: Like brush those f***ed up teeth.

He needs some Nerium™ on those damn wrinkles.

Jack: I’ve made you happy…

Him: Well… it’s not gonna happen.

Jack: … a beginning perhaps

Him: I’m gonna rape you instead.

[gutpunch] Oh, hell.

That corporal can have him arrested for that. Surely.

Maybe Dougal will save the day.

[Dougal comes in]

Yep. Dougal gonna burn the house down.

The Liar’s Spring

Beautiful.

Hahahah what???

Dougal: and the only way I can do that …

Him: is poke ye

Dougal: … is for you to marry one.

Him: Hahahahaha

[gets up to use the bathroom]

[Comes back]

AYE. AYE.

[our daughter comes in]

Her: AYE ME MATEY.

Me: Go back to bed.

Her: Daddy was saying AYE!

Him: ARGH, MATEYS.

Me: GO TO BED.

Her: [runs away giggling] CLEAN THE POOP DECK.

Him: Poop deck [giggles]

Dougal: the idea of grinding your corn …

Him: GUFFAWS

[have to pause it til he stops laughing]

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JAMIE!!!

Well, damn they didn’t have any suspense. Got the wedding out of the way.

Hope he washes his dirty balls under that kilt.

Want some wine?

[in a terrible lady voice] That’s not all I’ve mended.

Isn’t he a lot younger than her?

I thought in the book he was much bigger than her.

Like a giant.

With a twelve inch c**k.

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No, neither am I.

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GEEZ

I didn’t think he was.

What does he DO with all those girls?

She liked that didn’t she? She’s like OH YEAH.

She kind of got excited didn’t she? Looks like it.

Gonna have this mangled back motherf***er in my bed.

Cherry poppin cradle robber.

HAHAHAAAA.

His Final Thoughts

I thought he was boning that chick. SHE’s gonna be mad at him. No, she probably gonna kill HER. She’s gonna poop in Claire’s frosted flakes.

He’s gonna have a dirty d***. And she’s gonna blow that dirty thing. And those sweaty, gross, mud-caked, cheesy, giant-bushed balls.

Ew.

Oh, dear. Can’t wait for next week. /sarcasm