Joel Osteen Opens Church Cafe That Only Serves Lukewarm Beverages

HOUSTON, TX—Lakewood Church has everything you could want for a fine day of churchgoing, shopping, and fine dining. But Pastor Joel Osteen was never comfortable with the church's cafe, which only served hot or cold beverages.

"These hot and cold beverages are making me uncomfortable and their negativity is really rubbing off on me," Osteen said at a recent leadership team luncheon as he opened up a fortune cookie, immediately scribbling down whatever it said for use in his next sermon. "I think from now on we should just serve lukewarm coffees and teas---not too hot, not too cold, just middle of the road, easygoing, not rockin' the boat too much, you know?"

Church leaders jumped into action and began making the switch. The cafe's grand reopening occurred this past Sunday. Lakewood Church attendees reported they were very happy with the lukewarm beverages, as they weren't "too extreme" but had just the right amount of complacency for a satisfying taste and mouthfeel.

"The problem with hot or cold beverages is that I want to spit them out of my mouth," Osteen said. "I'm always like, 'Oh, how I wish it were lukewarm, like a victorious Christian life!'"

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