Always a Woman To Me: (Source: Express photo by Vasant Prabhu) Always a Woman To Me: (Source: Express photo by Vasant Prabhu)

When Anamika, 20, came to IIT-Kharagpur, she felt that the reputed institute would be more accepting of people who did not fit into the “mainstream”. “But it wasn’t so. My life here became even more difficult, I had to hide myself from everyone, and still be visible,” she says. A transgender student, Anamika (a name she has chosen for herself), battled her demons for years before she decided to narrate the story of her journey as a transgender girl.

Last year, in a landmark judgment, the Supreme Court recognised the “third gender” status for hijras and transgenders — they will soon be allowed admission in educational institutions and given employment on the basis that they belong to the third gender category, to be considered on the same socio-economic level as OBCs. Exactly a month ago, a private member’s Bill was passed in the Rajya Sabha to endorse a proposed legislation that aims to promote the rights of transgenders, including reservations and financial aid. And in her own way, Anamika wants to take a step forward at IIT-KGP.

“Whenever I came across hijras, I didn’t feel disgusted by them. Instead, I wanted to talk to them, know them and share their experiences. They were practising in public what I did as a closeted transgender girl,” she says.

The fourth-year undergraduate student decided to write about herself in the campus newsletter, The Scholar’s Avenue, last month; she describes this as the beginning of an awareness drive that she wants to start the next semester. “In the long run, I wish to set up an LGBT resource group at IIT-Kharagpur, similar to the ones existing at other IITs,” says Anamika.

In Mumbai for a casual visit, she is dressed in jeans and a shirt; there is no sign of discomfort. Anamika likes to read books about human behaviour and body language. “I am also interested in photography. I would like to be formally trained in dance, as well as a musical instrument,” she says.

After years of self-abuse, she is beginning to embrace her female identity. Anamika says she had “feminine feelings” for years now, but she was not aware of the term ‘transgender’.

“I saw myself as a boy who liked dressing up as a girl in private, an act which used to take all my tension and worries away in a flash; for that brief period, I could be comfortable in my own skin. It felt so natural, correct and peaceful for those precious moments; I could be ‘me’,” she writes in the newsletter.

Anamika was eight years old when she began to berate herself and soon began to self-harm. “I started to hit myself on the head; it was the only place where bruises could be easily hidden. I became totally unforgiving towards myself. My self-esteem was in shreds and I became a completely under-confident person,” she says.

Even though she had cracked the IIT admissions, Anamika remained trapped in a cycle of abuse. At the beginning of the third semester in August 2012, she contemplated suicide. A senior intervened and suggested she speak to an on-campus counsellor. “My counsellor was supportive and I came out to her in November 2012. As I became happier and more expressive, my confidence grew,” she says.

For a lesbian, gay, queer or transgender individual, the answer to “Who am I?” is tangled up in strands which when unspooled can lead to a discomfiting situation. The formation of an identity is a two-pronged effort: an acceptance of oneself, and the need to come out to the world. Each move is like stepping on to a minefield and the lack of awareness is only one of the hurdles to be faced.

After nearly two years of therapy to accept herself and become comfortable to open up to others, Anamika came out to her friends — and says it was the best decision she ever made. “Today, I’ve a great circle of friends with whom I can share everything about my life. I often tease my former roommate, telling him to enter into a marriage pact if both of us remain single till 30,” she says. But other responses were not as positive: Anamika has encountered reservations regarding her sexuality, and some people perceive her as a homosexual who cross-dresses to have relationship with men.

There is still a long way to go. Next year, after graduation, Anamika’s first challenge is to find a job where she is not discriminated against. “I will have to live as a man till I get comfortable with my colleagues. Discrimination against LGBTQ people is quite common in workplace, and being a transgender girl makes it even more difficult,” she says.

To be financially independent is essential for Anamika; she is yet to come out to her parents. “I’d like to fund my transition, I don’t want them to worry about my career. They are quite open-minded, but it won’t be easy. Being transgender is a part of my true self and it might be hard for them to accept me at first, because I’m not a ‘stereotypical’ transgender girl, in the sense I’m not effeminate. But given the other psychological symptoms they might have noticed in me over the years, I believe they will understand after some time,” she says.

The story appeared in print with the headline Always a Woman To Me

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