Your soul is slowly shriveling while enduring the second work meeting of the day.

If you don't get out soon, you'll fall asleep. Or maybe explode. Or, worse, say something you'll regret.

Good news, Dilbert: Your problems with the boss are over if you're using Android, the world's most popular mobile phone operating system. The platform offers hundreds of apps for spoofing phone calls or texts – or pulling other stunts that can help get you out of work.

Compare that to the limited variety of leg-pulling apps on Apple's iOS platform, and you'll see why Android is the mobile OS of choice for shirkers like myself.

April Fool's Day is a good time to give these Android exploits a look. Get out of that work meeting by using an app to program your Android phone to send yourself a fake text or a bogus phone call.

I get them from Kim Kardashian all the time, forcing me to leave meetings to attend more, um, important business. Having to excuse oneself to go to the bathroom only works so many times when it comes to escaping a meeting.

Even better, hit the boss with pre-programmed fake text messages from Ms. Kardashian. That might get him to stop talking, or it might produce the sudden need to halt the meeting. Either way, the joke's on him.

An Android application for bogus texting is "Fake-A-Text-Free." The Android Market and third-party Android markets are littered with similar apps.

Then there's the app "Fake Me Out of Here!" It's for the truly lazy. No pre-programming is necessary for this app to make your phone ring with a fake call from anyone in your contact list.

But sometimes the boss just might have something relevant to say, but you still can't stomach the thought of sitting through the meeting.

If you haven't played the "bathroom card" too many times, excuse yourself and leave your phone behind. Then secretly record the meeting. Sure, it might be illegal, but nobody has to know. Play back the recording a month later, and you'll know why you exited stage left.

Some apps to help perform this nefarious deed are appropriately named: They are called "Informant," "Secret Recorder" and, among others "Spy Recorder Voice Recorder."

For the 007 diehards, why not secretly record video as well? Yep, there are apps for that.

One of them is called "Spy Phone." Position your phone, which looks like it's off, at the correct angle and it starts recording video, and nobody will be the wiser. Another app, the "Android Spy Camera," promises to secretly take pictures with "no flash and no shutter sound." You better hope that app lives up to its promises or you may find yourself wishing you could attend a work-related meeting.

So what's next? You've successfully left the meeting. Now it's time to take this exploit to the next level.

Sure, you could hit the local tavern for the afternoon. But why be so sheepish? Don't put your Maxwell Smart tendencies to waste.

Go ahead and hit the Bahamas. After your fourth beach-side margarita, you'll have completely forgotten about that work meeting.

Best of all, your boss won't even know your lathering up with sunblock. That's because he'll think you've been abducted to one of the world's most notorious prisons.

That's right, go ahead and use FourSquare to check in, or Facebook to "like," the Diyarbakir prison in Turkey by using GPS-spoofing apps to fake your global positioning. Many apps allow for this digital teleportation, and they are apply named with titles like "Fake GPS Location," "My Fake Location" and, among others, "GPS Route Simulator."

Better yet, don't even bother showing up to work. Send your boss a spoofed e-mail from your doctor, informing the Big Kahuna that you've got leprosy. There's a bunch of apps for that. Search for them under "fake email" in the Android Market.

The practice, of course, is legally questionable.

What's more, the e-mail spoofs might help you get a wage increase without having to explain your new tan.

Upon your return from Diyarbakir, send your boss a spoofed e-mail from your competitor with a message saying the company wants to hire you away.

Sure, it might backfire. Your boss might not give you a raise and instead point you to the door.

But don't fret. You still got an ace up your sleeve: You used one of a host of Android apps, including "Call Recorder - Total Recall" or "HTC Call Recorder Widget" or tons of others to secretly record a telephone call between yourself and the boss. If you were able to catch him saying anything untoward – like dissing his boss – you might have all the leverage you need to keep yourself in clover indefinitely.

Sure, extortion and clandestine phone recording are illegal. But no worries, the cops might go easy on you if you can hook them up with Kim Kardashian.

*Photo: Kardashian image/BiggerPictureImages.com/Flickr *

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