Swine Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

For immediate release: Epigrams for an epidemic

(ACPA-Atlanta) Researchers at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta have made a startling discovery in the battle to overcome the swine flu. It turns out that learning about swine flu is more dangerous than catching swine flu. But preventative measures can be taken and by following some simple advice, major symptoms can be alleviated. The CDC report should bring hope to the thousands of Americans who are dashing into emergency rooms nationwide with runny noses.

"Temporary insanity and loss of good judgment appear to be the primary symptoms that arise, after learning about Swine flu," said Dr. John Heir, head of research at the CDC. "To receive immediate relief from these symptoms, we strongly recommend that people stop watching the never-ending scare stories on CNN."

Other symptoms include flushed cheeks and difficulty breathing, both of which the CDC claim can be alleviated by stopping use of face masks while going about your daily business. Numbness of the legs can be prevented by walking around the emergency room while you wait for a doctor to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you, other than the infections you picked up while waiting in line.

Hollywood is getting in on the action and plans are in the works for a movie about the madness, tentatively named "Swine flu over the cuckoo's nest." 80's pin-up Miss Piggy is rumored to be taking a leading role, alongside her son Frank, who will be cutting his acting chops in his first starring role. Kevin Bacon will have a supporting role and no doubt the whole affair will be a ham-fisted attempt at humor.

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