Hello and welcome, fellow trash TV fans! I am your official Are You The One? recapper this season, and I could not be more delighted to watch 22 people systematically ruin their lives for 10 weeks. Let’s dive right in!

We start off with me realizing that we’re in for a two hour premiere. Who do they think they are? Bachelor in Paradise? WHY GOD, WHY?! Sidenote: how many hours of reality TV can a person watch in one week before their brain atrophies? Asking for a friend!

The show begins with all of the beautiful tragic people rushing into the house, and I see they’re back in Hawaii this season. I guess no one had an outstanding warrant this year! Small blessings.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around who everyone is but I can’t get past Nutsa’s voice, you guys. Prediction: Drawn to the end of their rope by Nutsa’s voice, the entire cast commits suicide before the season ends, leaving our squeaky little princess to collect the full million dollar prize.

She is also introducing herself like this:

“My name is Nutsa, call me Nuts or Nutsack, I don’t care!” Nutsack, you should care. So very, very much. But just for that I’mma call you Nutsack all season. You said I could!

I’m living for Kayla stuffing her face while Cam asks her questions. It’s important to fuel up before a night of making out with multiple dudes! Everyone knows that.

Kenya is wasting no time and is proud of it. She took a “tour of the house” with Lewis, was making out with Moe, and is “connecting” with Tevin. But hey! How will you know what you want if you don’t test out all the merchandise? At least that’s what I tell the guy at 16 Handles as he begrudgingly hands over another sample cup.

Okay this makeout session between Kenya and Tevin is aggressive and unnatural. Is that how young people kiss now?

Enter Zak. Zak is already forgetting women’s names and claiming that the incorrect name he just called them was a nickname. Soon he will start calling every girl “babe” because he can’t keep them all straight. Bria, girl, MAKE HIM CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME!

Uh-oh, Bria says that her friends and family would absolutely say she’s crazy. Well, duh. She’s looking for love on an MTV show. I’m pretty sure the “experts” they use to find the perfect matches are actually just monkeys dressed in suits randomly pressing buttons on a keyboard. What’s that saying about monkeys typing Shakespeare? I feel like that was the rationale behind the casting process.

Bria is immediately a self-fulfilling prophecy and basically threatens a murder-suicide if Zak gets with anyone else. Moments after this conversation, Zak looks longingly at Kayla gyrating on the floor and says “Bria’s sexy but there’s a lot of sexy here.” America’s single gentlemen, friends! Scoop ‘em up while you can!

Not shockingly, Bria can read lips and can tell Zak is talking about other girls’ asses and is pretty pissed. I’m just going to take this opportunity and probably many more to say I TOLD YOU all that Bria was going to be a psycho. I should have bet money on it, because my Seamless orders won’t pay for themselves.

Cut to Cam and Kayla. Cam is telling Kayla that she is a “naturally incredible girl,” Don’t you just love how fast and furious those compliments come on night one? Like, before they actually know each other? Cam, just you wait until you are living together with three babies and Kayla’s yelling at you because you “stayed late at work again” but all you can focus on is the spit up on her shirt. THEN tell me if you still think she’s a naturally incredible girl, k?

Cam reveals that he’s a Republican and lol Kayla says in such a sweet voice, “Donald Trump is just not the nicest person in the world.” TBH this is probably the best thing anyone has ever said about him on TV. Can she get a tweet, Donny?

Kenya is asking Tevin about his prior relationships while straddling him. “They were great, I didn’t cheat, can I put my d*ck inside you now?” – Tevin

Now we’re back to Bria fighting with Zak for looking at the other girls.

Bria: I don’t want to be possessive, I’m not going to hold anyone hostage.

Also Bria:

Samantha conveniently points out, “If you meet someone and you’re already fighting on night one you’re probably not a match.” Samantha, you’re too smart for this show. Go home now and make something of yourself!

We’ve made it to the next day, and the host, Terrence J, shows up. Clearly MTV has not received my signed petition and low-key threats encouraging them to bring Ryan Devlin back. Cool. I’ll try harder next time.

Terrence J announces a change to the show and it’s called the fate button. LOL so cute. If there was such a thing as fate I’d already be married to Jake Gyllenhaal and living in a gorgeous loft in Soho rolling around in my money, but fine, I’ll play along.

The fate button is basically like a slot machine that matches people up on group dates. So the cast’s odds of finding love are basically the same as me winning the penny slots in Atlantic City. FYI I’ve never left AC with my money or dignity intact, so this isn’t looking like a super solid plan. Then the cast picks a couple from the group date to go into the truth booth.

So I guess this means there are no challenges this season? I swear, the producers are getting lazier and lazier. It’s like their bosses asked them to come up with this season’s challenges and they were like, “actually we have an idea. Let’s throw a ton of alcohol at the cast, put Adderall in candy bowls, and install a big red button in the living room and see what happens!”

Zak, Tomas, Cali, and Maria are selected for the group date. And the fate button is selected by Bria for total destruction.

On the date they get to swim with the dolphins. Fun fact: dolphins are the sexual predators of the sea. I read it on Page Six.

Zak previously said he only had eyes for Bria, but his hand on Maria’s thigh tells a different story. Maybe it’s okay cause their names rhyme? He tells her that Bria “is just like all my exes.” They start making out, and I’M CALLING THE POLICE. Can we get this girl some security like ASAP?! I’m worried for her safety. Hopefully Cam brought his gun!

Tomas likes Cali because she’s not like the girls he meets in Miami. “She doesn’t have fake tits.” What a beautiful compliment. Tomas really knows how to flatter a girl. Cali seems understandably skeptical.

Back at the house, Tevin is telling Kenya about his bird tattoo. Apparently his sister has a similar tattoo, and his bird has a feather from her bird in its mouth. Is that a metaphor or does he just want part of his sister in his mouth? I feel icky.

The crew convenes in the living room to see who is going to go into the truth booth. Zak admits that he and Maria kissed, and Bria is filled with blind rage but is holding it in to use as a weapon later.

Maria and Tomas were voted into the truth booth. TBH this whole new process makes no sense. How will they strategize (lol)? At least last season they could get people they thought were matches on dates and then vote them into the truth booth. This season it’s just super random, or excuse me, based on fate. Which I must repeat for the people in the back IS NOT REAL.

M & T hit up the truth booth which pretends it’s scanning them with lasers but I’m pretty sure that’s just an MTV intern behind them getting paid $9 an hour to wave some flashlights.

They are not a match! Which makes complete sense because they were randomly selected to go on a date by a red button, and then chosen to go into the truth booth by people that were about five to seven drinks into their day.

After the truth booth, everyone gets back to the task at hand—getting so drunk they bring shame on generations of their family that haven’t even been born yet. Jasmine expresses interest in Tevin. Kenya warns her to stay in her lane and says she knows how to keep her man. Then she promptly takes Tevin to the bathroom and bangs him. Never tried that tactic myself, but I’m sure that’ll get someone to stick around. At least for a few extra minutes!

Bria takes Zak outside to cut off his balls with a dull butter knife. She’s mad he made her look stupid. He apologizes because he didn’t realize that a girl he made call him “papa” last night could be that invested in him.

Daniel is finally getting some airtime, and I’m wondering how old he actually is. He said he likes all the girls, especially the ones with the “P-H-A-T Phat” booties. He also wants someone to “get jiggy with.” Now I’m convinced he’s not under 40.

Even though Daniel speaks like he’s Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, he still manages to get almost all the women to make out with him, even Kenya. Tevin and his beautiful eyelashes are sad to see this.

Terrence J welcomes everyone to the matching ceremony and explains the usual rules. If they get zero matches it’s a blackout and their money decreases by half. I hope these contestants can do math because that’s a big ol’ number.

It’s a guys night to pick.

Zak picks Bria because she sent someone to kidnap his entire family and will only release them in the event he calls her his match

Tevin picks Kenya

Kwasi picks Asia

Brett picks Cali

Cam picks Kayla

Tomas picks Morgan

Shamoy picks Maria

Andrew picks Lauren

Moe picks Jasmine

Daniel picks Nutsack

Lewis picks Samantha

After a pause longer than Tevin and Kenya’s bathroom rendezvous, the cast gets three beams and they go home to take shots in celebration, as one does.

Bria and Zak wake up together in the morning and all seems to be well with crazy and her Papa.

I spoke too soon. Immediately after getting up, Zak is talking to Morgan and Bria loses it again. Seriously though, how has this girl not had a brain aneurysm yet? The amount of rage in this one episode alone has got to do some damage. Unless she doesn’t have a brain…

Lewis thinks Bria needs a chill pill, but I think she needs a horse tranquilizer as I watch her beat down the door to the confessional where Zak is getting cozy with Morgan. Once again, can I point you to my pre-season prediction on Bria?

Bria scares Morgan out of the confessional and she and Zak make up. Damn, Zak is some kind of kinky, huh? He is LIVING for this.

Zak: Maybe I like crazy relationships.

Me:

Okay lol moments later Zak is trying to get into Nutsack’s pants by telling her that he regrets not saving himself for marriage. Sure, Jan. Let’s be real, the only thing you regret is that case of crabs you got.

Bria is literally breaking down to Morgan and telling her she doesn’t want to be portrayed as wild. But like, then why’d you beat down a door?

Another night, another party. Kwasi and Lewis decide the house needs to have a luau. So basically the same thing as last night, only they’re wearing leis with their lingerie. It’s v classy.

Kenya is literally grinding on everyone. That’s the kind of freedom having blind parents will give you. You go, girl.

Zak and Nutsack start making out in the middle of the room, and Lewis is all of us when he panics and warns them that Bria is right there. I’ve never seen such terror on someone’s face like that before.

^Lewis at this party rn

The episode ends with Bria drowning her enemies in her a river of her tears. And that’s all for this week!

Images: Giphy (5)