My Inner Monologue As I Discover Facebook Timeline

Yes, it has arrived. After much anticipation and brouhaha, Facebook Timeline has begun being officially rolled out in North America. Some people have been secretly beta testing this whole time. Some people, such as myself, are early adopters eager to see all the new bells and whistles. And some will fear change and wait until forced to convert their profile. Somewhere in there, about 100 million people who go absolutely bonkers and complain to no end that a free website more addictive than crack moved where their friends are located, three inches to the right. So, before the end becomes totally effing nigh, I present my inner monologue of my first experience with Facebook Timeline.



-What’s this cover photo thingie?!? Isn’t it kind of redundant to have two photos right beside one another?



-I guess this means I have to become a better photographer. And get a better camera. The try-hard in me is obviously getting all in a tizzy about this one. Fuck.



-Remember how people essentially threw themselves in front of traffic when Facebook moved where birthdays were located on your wall? People are totally going to lose their shit over this.

-Did Facebook forget that MySpace totally failed?!? What’s the deal with trying to look like a failed enterprise?!? It’s like if Meryl Streep starting walking around all made up like Lindsay Lohan in her fifth mugshot



-Yes, LiLo has really had five mug shots. Not even Hitler had five mug shots. For real, guys.



-They keep calling it a Timeline everywhere. So what happened to my wall? Is the Timeline my Wall? Is the Wall dead?



-How is my cover photo supposed to represent me and my timeline?!? Wasn’t my profile picture supposed to do that?



-I’m lost. Everything is lost. Where is Jack Shepherd when you need him.



-What’s the deal with the two-column setup of my wall?!? In which order does everything go?



-HEY, WHERE DID MY QUOTE WALL GO?!?!?



-Phew, found it. You were on thin ice, Facebook. Thin ice. That wall is worth more than stating that Zuckerberg stole Facebook from you.



-Apparently the most significant thing to happen to me between 1985 and 2006 was the birth of my brother. I think there are some gaps here, FB.



-Oh hey, it’s my life!! Hey life!! Let’s see what needs to be edited out of you…



-Man, this really showcases how I haven’t grown up over the past 5 years. Great.



-Looking at Your Activity Log: Officially replacing Twitter as the Single Most Narcissistic Thing You Could Ever Do. This is totally the internet equivalent of beating off in front of a mirror.



-Hey, this is actually going to make tracking down the videos for my Fave Viral Videos of 2011 blog post way easier. Thanks for doing my own job, FB!



-Can strangers see all this bull?!? Do I have to privatize everything again?!?



-Apparently I can add “Life Events” on my timeline, even from before Facebook was invented. Just in case I feel the need to catalog on the internet, that time when I when I was three and cried because a seagull stole my chocolate donut.



-I think part of Facebook’s mission in helping us get over all the change is to just constantly make the photos on our wall bigger. “Look! It’s your picture and it’s big! Clearly this is better. FALL IN LINE”.



-Do you think that if you read Zuckerberg’s timeline, you’ll find out how much of The Social Network was actually true?



-Apparently the Facebook status “Congrats on the apartment!! Once you move, we’ll have to have a Grindr tutorial, and I’ll show you who to avoid in the neighbourhood" garnered 7 likes and 62 comments, thus proving that all workplace attempts to ban Facebook have failed miserably.



-Hey Facebook, thanks for not highlighting my broken foot. Would rather forget that part.



-This whole timeline thing makes me super happy I’m not one of those people who is all “I love my boyfriend SO MUCH!!” followed by “Hey boyfriend, you’re the worst”, “ILoveMyBoyfriendIHateMyBoyfriendILoveMyBoyfriendIHateMyBoyfriendILoveMyBoyfriendIHateMyBoyfriend” back and forth on FB. Those insane people must be totally reliving all of their worst neuroses right now.



-Never mind, regardless of never tagging myself as “in a relationship with…” on FB, the Timeline sure as hell knows who all of my ex-boyfriends are, and has no qualms about splattering said failed relationships all over the past five years as “highlights of (insert year here)”. Awesome. Thanks for that.



-Timeline not only highlights you, but the pop culture you were interested in. Remember when it was cool to really like Glee? Those were the days…



-So, these are the highlights of my past five years? Is the most significant friendship I made in 2007 really with my douche of an old roommate? I seem to recall my 20’s were fun… where is all the fun stuff? Facebook, I thought you knew me so well…



-Wow, blond highlights were a bad choice. Sorry to anyone who had to look at me in 2006.



-Apparently the first person to write on my wall wrote “ew, your profile is so bare”. Thankfully, we are no longer friends on Facebook. Or in life.



-Man, I’m really good at saying nothing. What a load of shit this all is. I’m so glad my future children will be able to look back upon my Facebook and chronicle their father’s idiocy. For the win.



-I guess I could delete and edit a bunch of this, but I was dumb enough to put it all on the internet in the first place. And I write a blog where some readers may interpret me to be a mouthy slut. I guess the S.S. CensorShip sailed long ago.



-K, well maybe I’ll delete the photos with that hair. Was I trying to revive B4-4?!? Oh god, these are bad.



-Remember when you couldn’t Like things? Remember when you couldn’t comment on statuses? Remember when you didn’t even have Statuses?!?!? Yeah, me neither. So remember that when you think to yourself a year from now, “Hey, remember when we didn’t have Timeline?” Yeah, you’re gonna get there. Just accept and move on.