SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Visibly wincing while watching the sensei’s assistant being slammed repeatedly to the tatami mat, onlookers at Buckeye Aikido Academy confirmed Wednesday that understudy Barry Eiselmann was getting his ass absolutely whipped during a demonstration of basic takedowns. “Wow, he just fucking threw him on the ground,” said student Neal Davis, who expressed surprise that what he had assumed would be a quick demonstration grew to more than half an hour of watching Eiselmann get “absolutely dismantled” by various Yoshinkan techniques. “At first, it seemed Barry was just being deferential, but now it’s clear he’s in serious pain. I learned how to properly execute an arm pin, but that was 20 minutes ago. The real takeaway is that it’s a big mistake to attack sensei.” In possibly related news, Davis has been enlisted to help Eiselmann demonstrate a proper rotary throw after the assistant spotted him speaking to reporters.

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