My favourite candidate won the leaders debate, insists everyone

Last nights leaders debate was won by the person you’ve already decided to vote for, we can report today.

This result was backed up by the newspaper and websites you usually read, and about 80% of the people you chose to be connected to on social media.

Early polling amongst UKIP, Plaid Cymru and Green voters indicated solid victories for Nigel Farage, Leanne Wood and Natalie Bennett depending on who was asked, whilst in Scotland ‘The National’ newspaper declared that Nicola Sturgeon had resoundingly trounced the other party leaders.

Guardian and Daily Mirror readers disagreed, giving a solid win to Ed Miliband and claiming his performance indicated he was ready to become a world leader.

However, Conservative voters were unconvinced, saying the debates showed only David Cameron had the gravitas and skill to serve as Prime Minister.

Early polling after the event indicates a massive 0% of people changed their voting intentions as a result of the debates.

Meanwhile, reports indicate that none of the six remaining Liberal Democrats intend to desert the party ‘unless they change their minds’.