4 Steps: Make A Sincere Apology

Of All People, Justin Bieber Delivered A Great Apology This Week. Here's How It's Done.

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The caught-on-tape racism (and subsequent public apologies) of Justin Bieber and Donald Sterling serve to show just how far sincere remorse can go. While the Clippers' owner came off looking like a psycho , for once Bieber handled his apology with maturity and aplomb (cue famines, locusts and the four horsemen of the apocalypse). Check out this excerpt: I'm very sorry. I take my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable mistake. I was a kid then and I am a man now who knows my responsibility to the world and to not make that mistake again. Ignorance has no place in our society and I hope the sharing of my faults can prevent others from making the same mistake in the future. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say but telling the truth is always what's right. So how and why is he getting praise? There are many ways to get apologies wrong and only a few ways to get them right, but when they're poorly received it's usually due to the huge gap between our sincerely felt emotion and the watered-down version that we actually deliver. The key to an effective apology is owning the mistake and its consequences. Follow these four steps, and you may be able to talk your way out of anything. So how and why is he getting praise?

Take Responsibility For Your Actions

Above all else, people want to see you own your mistakes. This is a crucial moment that sets the tone and creates the momentum for your entire sincere apology. When you’re on the receiving end of a sincere apology, isn't this the crux for you, the moment of satisfaction when the other person becomes accountable and admits to precisely what he did wrong? As an expression of repentance, of true regret or remorse, this step matters more than all the rest.

You can best convey this repentance with a simple, straightforward sentence that uses two magic words: I’m sorry. After you’ve uttered those magical humbling words, address what you did in concise terms. The following examples show accountability through the use of the word “I” and the lack of the word “but”:



“I’m sorry I blew off our meeting.”

“I’m sorry I said those things about your mother.”

Acknowledge The Repercussions

“I’m sorry I blew off our meeting; now the entire project is in jeopardy.”

“I’m sorry I said those things about your mother. They were mean and uncalled for, and I should never have let my anger get the better of me.”

That should be it. Doadd the feelings you think you incited in the other person (“I’m sorry you misunderstood me” or “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt”); doing so shifts blame away from you, which is the opposite of taking responsibility for your actions.You wouldn’t need to apologize if your actions hadn’t resulted in some nasty repercussions. The next step is to concede to these with as much objectivity as you can muster:That objectivity is the key; it shows that you’ve been able to get past your ego and any residual defensive posturing to confront your mistake with an unimpeachably honest assessment.

Whatever you do, once again, do not make assumptions about how the other person is feeling, even if you’re certain that they’re accurate. To avoid this, don’t add any qualifying clauses; they often begin with “if” (“I’m sorry if you got offended”) or “but” (“Sorry about losing my temper, but sometimes you piss me off”). Doing so entirely negates your efforts.