Over the years, giant monsters have had relatively little luck in the romance department. Even back at the beginning of giant monster history, King Kong didn't exactly have a happy honeymoon with Ann Darrow, despite the romantic getaway atop the Empire State Building (hey, it worked out pretty well in Sleepless in Seattle).

In the history of Japanese giant monsters and their immediate kin, too, there have been at least a few romances, though usually they, too, end in tragedy. In the original Rodan (1956), two Rodans share a hot little lovenest in a volcano and even enjoy snacking on a loving couple early in the film, but their own snuggly romance comes to an end in a fiery inferno when their home erupts and the resulting gases, smoke, and running lava burns the lovers to death, underscoring the importance of choosing a proper location for your first home. The 1967 Gappa: The Triphibian Monster, while perhaps not a particularly romantic movie, at least had a pair of kaiju in a longstanding relationship dedicated to feeding and caring for their child—a rarity in monster movies. Most recently, in the second American Godzilla film, the MUTOs have their own little lovey-dovey relationship, complete with cuddling, fertilizing, and a big pile of eggs to tend to... Yet Godzilla does not look kindly on their burgeoning monster love-fest and kills them off for their odious desire to reproduce. Godzilla seems positively anti-love in this film, perhaps feeling pretty burned and lonely himself. After all, for over sixty years, Godzilla has never had a girlfriend, let alone a wife.

...Or has he?

Certainly Godzilla has had, err, relationships with women over the years in his movies. Granted, most of those relationships have not been particularly… positive. In Godzilla vs. Megaguiras (2000), Kiriko Tsujimori feels very strongly about Godzilla. That is to say, she wants to kill the Big G because Godzilla offed her commanding officer. Feelings don't come much stronger than "murderous rage"! Akane Yashiro develops similar feelings for the radioactive dinosaur in Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002) after G carelessly squashes her teammate, so you could say that Akane fell in hate with Godzilla—certainly not in love. Godzilla had a more long-term relationship with Miki Saegusa, who appeared in Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989), Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991), Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992), Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993), Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla (1994), and Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995)—so you might look at theirs as a work relationship at least, and Miki occasionally shows some care for Godzilla. I mean, she at least protests when the military wants to use her to kill the Big G. That means something, right? Still, it's difficult to build an LTR on brain control and reluctantly performed attempts at murder. Besides, Godzilla never really showed any particular romantic interest in these women—despite how dang hot/cute/gorgeous those ladies are.

Does that mean Godzilla has never gotten any loving? If not, how does one explain Godzilla's various children?

Godzilla's(adopted?) children (and his nephew) contemplate who their real parents might be. Art by Sam Messerly.

Some Godzilla somewhere must have birthed Minilla in the Showa continuity, not to mention Little Godzilla in the Heisei series and the Minilla who appears in Godzilla: Final Wars (2004). And who can forget Junior from Godzilla Island (1997), who has such a nice friendship with uber-cute alien babe Torema? [Actually, Godzilla's kids often have much better relationships with women than the King does—such as Riko Matsumiya, the lady-gone-native in Son of Godzilla (1967), who chucks fruit into Minilla's mouth. Just goes to show how much girls simply love babies, no matter how puke-ugly.] Godzooky from the Hanna-Barbera series also must be accounted for; while he is not identified as Godzilla's son, but rather a nephew, still SOME Godzilla somewhere must have given life to that honking, blabbering blunder-beast. But who?

Godzilla shows off his considerable musical talent while Momoko Kochi dances

Despite Ian Thorne identifying "Gigantis" as female in his classic children's book, no definite mate ever appeared in the films. Presumably Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin, frustrated by the lack of answers to these important questions, just decided to show how Godzilla doesn't need love to have children, and thus the Godzilla from 1998 just had his/her/its own babies through asexual reproduction. (Good thing, too, because Zilla doesn't have any lips, which would make a lip-lock impossible, and thus making-out would become really uncomfortable.) Further, though a number of behind-the-scenes photographs show Godzilla going on dates or otherwise flirting with various ladies (and smooching some dude…), the evidence remains frustratingly inconclusive. Were these just posed photos, or did Godzilla actually date anyone? Did Godzilla ever feel the flutterings of twitterpation—did his nuclear heart pound for anyone special?

The answers have been elusive… Until now.

While questions remain as to the parentage of SOME of Godzilla's children, Godzilla has certainly felt romantic attraction, dated multiple women and kaiju alike, and even appears to have married—more than once! (Given that there have been multiple Godzillas, it isn't clear if the marriages were from different Godzillas, or if the same G has also gone through divorce.)

Manda photobombs a romantic picture of Godzilla hanging out with a beautiful woman

This article will be exploring the surprisingly large number of crushes, flirtations, trysts, girlfriends, and even wives of the various Godzillas across movies, television programs, comics, and more, and rank them according to how much affection Godzilla has shown to his various paramours—such as giving gifts, touching, dancing with or otherwise expressing his (or her) devotion.

Godzilla's love will be measured via millisieverts of love—from 0.1 (Noticed that the girl was female) to 10,000 (full on lifetime monster commitment, man!).

Note: Choosing which Godzilla paramours were to be included was somewhat of a challenge. I did not want to wade through slash or other forms of romantic fan fiction, and so did not read any fan fiction novels or short stories online. Further, while there have been popular depictions of Godzilla romantically entangled with Mothra, as well as T-shirts and joke comics showing Godzilla making out with King Kong, I decided to try to focus on only official Godzilla comics, for example, which eliminated many depictions of Godzilla dating—including, for example, the recurring Godzilla comics in Off the Mark, and the recent doujinshi from Gojimaga wherein 2014 Godzilla and Heisei Godzilla appear to be raising a child together (ガレスゴジラがやってきた, or "Gareth Godzilla Appears").

In the future, perhaps I can go back and include some of those unofficial comics. I included other parodies in consideration, however, such as comedy show depictions of Godzilla and humor books. Legitimately published books were included. Any official Toho-licensed media was naturally included, such as movies, commercials, video games, books, unmade movies, short stories, comics, and more.

Oneechan is really happy to talk with Godzilla

Godzilla's Maid — completely platonic

There is one girl who seems to have a mysterious relationship with Godzilla, but probably shouldn't be listed on the millisieverts of love scale.

She can be seen in Susume! Gojirando: Asobou Tashizan (1994) (The title means something like: "You can do it! Gojirando: Let's play addition"), and in the opening to the video, this girl (dressed in a conservative pink maid outfit with a very long skirt) actually can be seen dancing with Godzilla.

Godzilla is actually a fantastic cook, and shares his hotcakes with Oneechan

After the opening, this particular girl is shown to be living with a human-sized Godzilla inside a house. Godzilla is making pancakes, and shares his cooking with her, exclaiming that he has made five (yes, five!) pancakes, so there is plenty for her to partake as well. When the girl realizes that Godzilla can count and add (this being a fantastic accomplishment for the lizard apparently), and Godzilla then relates to her the story of how he learned this fantastic math skill.

Godzilla and his sister dance with abandon

The fact that Godzilla lives with this girl, shares his food with this girl, and even tells stories of his past with this girl shows that he knows her well and suggests a deep relationship.

However, Godzilla calls the pink maid "Oneechan," which means "older sister" in Japanese. In Japanese, though, "oneechan" doesn't exclusively mean "older sister"—it can also mean simply a girl who is older than you, especially when used by a child. However, given the fact that Godzilla lives with this girl suggests that they must be family, or like family. Quite possibly (especially given many of the other entries on this list), the pink maid really is Godzilla's older sister, especially given that, at the end of the video, Godzilla eats all of the hotcakes—including hers—as a prank!

They will always have their dance though...

("Oneechan," who isn't even given a name in the credits, was played by Kyouko Watanabe, who was part of the pop band Buka-Buka.)

The Star Sisters — Undetermined

The Star Sisters on their Godzilla single album

The end credits of The Return of Godzilla (1984) feature a most unusual surprise for those who are searching for clues about Godzilla's love life--a love song to Godzilla, sung almost entirely in English by the Star Sisters, a trio of pop singers from the Netherlands of all places, titled "Love Theme".

The song itself seems to be expressing heartfelt affection--we've got tears, we've got a picture locked in the heart (however that works), we've got yearning for a reunion... but we also have Godzilla referred to several times as "old friend," and Godzilla's feelings for the unnamed singer are never mentioned.The song hints that Godzilla has left in search of something, but what that something might be is left unexplained. It may be that the love felt by the author of the song is an unrequited one. Even more confusing, there are two versions of the song--one that may have been sung by the Peanuts! However, as of this writing, I was unable to confirm the identity of the singers of the alternate version.

Still, this song reconfirms that Godzilla has a heartfelt connection to pop singers, whether he is dating them or breaking their hearts or just chasing their face projected across the sky. How do you DO it, Godzilla?

Zoey — 0 millisieverts of love (out of 10,000)

Zoey as an adult on the cover of her book, gazing with longing at G-cells or something

One woman must be mentioned who goes off the scale—that is, below 0.1 because one woman fell in love with Godzilla, and Godzilla never noticed. That woman was Zoey from the novel I Want to Marry Godzilla and Have His Children. She must be mentioned, given the overtures of affection she expresses towards the Big G. On the first page, Zoey is 43 years old and shopping with her friend Bella (no relation to Twilight—this romance is actually worse than Twilight). Suddenly Zoey declares to Bella that she wants to marry Godzilla and have his children, and then goes on: "I mean it, Bella, I'm absolutely not kidding. I've always thought Godzilla got bad press. I think he would've made a great husband—compared to all the men I've known." Elsewhere, Zoey writes that her affection for Godzilla began much earlier, growing romantic in her late teens, and writes: "By the late 1960s, I thought I had it figured out. It was simple. Somewhere along the way, Godzilla needed a mistress, someone to sooth his aching scales, someone to pick the bamboo splinters out of his nose. Did he have a nose? Yes, he definitely had a nose. He needed someone to recharge his fire."

She continues: "He was one of a kind. And I would have married him in a minute. If he would've accepted me. Naturally my family would have raised objections over the fact he was much taller than I was. But that hadn't stopped King Kong and Fay Wray. And there was the age difference. When I thought of this idea, I was only sixteen and he was several million. But all the objections would have been settled, or glossed over, as long as everyone believed we were in love."

Most of the book is in past-tense, as Zoey goes through a parade of loser boyfriends and lovers. She admits that she never even wrote Godzilla a fan letter, despite enjoying his movies. At the end of the book, there is a fantasy sequence in which she finally rejects Godzilla. It goes like this:

"I want it back, I tell Godzilla… (excised long rambling paragraphs about how awful all of Zoey's boyfriends were)… I turn around. Godzilla is there, waiting. He seems to know his time is up, his purpose has been served and I don't need him any more (sic). With a thundering swish of his gigantic tail, he lumbers away, his back to the camera. The ridges on his back are glowing softly. He stops and turns one last time to look at me. He sheds a single tear that drips down his nose and sizzles away in a sudden puff of heat from his fire-breathing nostrils. It's time for him to go, but I am sad, much sadder than I thought I'd be and I almost call him back. But the words don't get past my throat. The sadness is part of the process."

In Zoey's world, Godzilla isn't real—she is basically a female version of Ichiro from All Monsters Attack (1969), except she wants to go to Godzilla's wedding chamber rather than to Monster Island. She wants to HAVE Minilla, not MEET Minilla. However, Godzilla only appears in a fantasy sequence, and thus the millisieverts of love bottoms out at 0.0 for Zoey.

Zoey as a teenager in the sixties, dreaming about her love for Godzilla. Note that she was also in love with the main character from the Combat TV series.. Art by Sam Messerly.

Flirty Snickers Girl — 0.1 millisieverts of love

A gorgeous brunette flirts with gusto in Godzilla's general direction

The Flirty Snickers Girl is a good example of a particularly bodacious babe who realizes that Godzilla, along with being the king of the monsters, is also a real hunk of monster manhood. In the 2014 commercial for Snickers, the brown-haired beauty strolls by the beach where Godzilla is hanging out with a number of friends and makes steamy come-hither eyes at the G-Man. Even the other beach dudes hanging with Godzilla are pretty impressed, crying out, "How do you do it?!"

But Godzilla is unmoved by this display of flirtation. In the commercial, he seems completely uninterested. Thus, unfortunately, Flirty Snickers Girl scores a dismal 0.1 millisieverts of love—Godzilla just is not that into her.

Mosuko — 5 milliseiverts of love

Mosuko confesses her love whilst staring wildly at Goji with frankly creepy eyes

Kawamoto Hiroshi's unique gag manga "Street Fighter Godzilla," published in the second volume of the officially licensed Monster King Godzilla serial manga, features several Godzilla love interests. The story of the manga, which stretches out over only six pages, tells the tale of Street Fighter Godzilla, an apparently unbeatable fighter wearing Ryu's costume from the game. In the opening scene, SFG kicks the noxious snot out of Hedorah with a dramatic Goji-Dragon Punch. Mosuko, a female Mothra larvae that was watching the fight, then approaches SFG and chastises him, saying he must not fight, he must not be so violent. SFG scoffs and tells off Mosuko—"It's none of your business!"

Mosuko says SFG is wrong—and she confesses her feelings for him on the spot with big, pleading eyes filled with passion (and devoid of sense). This sudden confession of romantic interest shocks Godzilla so much that he jumps into outerspace. As SFG uses his nuclear breath to fly around in zero gravity, he broods over the sudden turn of events, griping that he likes cute girls, and wondering why Mosuko has to bother him—until he realizes that Mosuko probably has a pair of hot twin fairies that would, err, come along with the relationship I guess. For SFG, that's enough of an impetus to return to Mosuko and date her—as long as twin hotties come with the deal, he will put up with dating a shrimpy moth larvae. Now, SFG is clearly a skunk-faced, horrible person as portrayed here, but… he does come around to the idea of dating Mosuko, so I guess he has a few very, very small milliseiverts of love in his heart for the poor lovestruck caterpillar.

Godzilla has saved the Spirit of the Beast Tree... You could say she arose from her rose in this sequence

Spirit of the Beast Tree — 1,000 millisieverts of love

(Special thanks to Sam Messerly for lending his copy of The Godzilla Comic to me for this project)

For some years now, there has been this bizarre image of Godzilla floating around the Internet in which the king of the monsters is dressed up as a barbarian and embracing a woman wearing vegetation-themed lingerie. What makes this particular image more interesting than the vast majority of similar LOLwut Godzilla imagery on the 'Net is that this shot is a panel from an officially-licensed Godzilla manga from Japan called The Godzilla Comic. It's always been a tantalizing shot shrouded in mystery, conjuring up a slew of questions. Is that Biollante? Is Godzilla pulling a Conan the Barbarian—like that classic line, "I live, I love, I slay, I am content"? Why is the girl almost naked? What the flying Rodan fanny is going on here?

Well, finally we've got a few answers to give. But the answers probably aren't what you'd expect!

The Godzilla Comic was a collection of fourteen Godzilla comics from a variety of manga artists, and it seems Toho largely gave these artists free reign to draw whatever fancied them at the time—the more insane, the better. The cover states baldly in Japanese, "We wanted to see this kind of Godzilla!" Apparently the Godzilla they wanted to see was something like a fever dream, but wow what a ride—especially in suit actor Hurricane Ryu's Godzilla: Kaiju Warrior, where the encounter between mega monster and mega babe takes place.

Regretfully, there isn't much of a romance between Godzilla and the enormous nearly naked woman, who, as it turns out, is not Biollante. (Biollante appears in the comic in her final form, but is actually a traitor against monster-kind and meets an unfortunate end via Godzilla's mighty blade.) The gist of the story is that, when Neptune and Pluto exchange places, a portal is opened between Earth and the planet of the kaiju—a planet where anthropomorphic, warrior versions of the Toho kaiju pantheon live, including (but not limited to) Anguirus, Rodan, Baragon, and even Space Beastman from The War in Space (1977) and one of the Batmen from Latitude Zero (1969)! The humans attack the kaiju warriors with their bombs and missiles and kill off many of Godzilla's friends, which enrages our hero. Godzilla is guided by Baragon, who explains that only the Spirit of the Beast Tree (Juuju no Sei), who used to dwell in a lake (hints of the Lady in the Lake AND Biollante simultaneously), can close the rift in space between the two planets. The Spirit is the aforementioned almost barenaked lady. Too bad for G that the Spirit of the Beast Tree is currently being held by the humans.

So Godzilla fights through basically everything the humans ever used against him in previous films, minus the Oxygen Destroyer—as well as most everything else from the Toho sci-fi universe by the time everything is done—in order to get to the Spirit of the Beast Tree. Cadmium missiles, anti-Godzilla bacteria, Super-X and Super-X2, the Gotengo, spaceships, even Gunhed shows up. Finally, Godzilla frees the magical nude woman, who emerges from a rose, and they have the following conversation:

Warrior Godzilla embraces the Spirit of the Beast Tree and romantically... err, issues instructions to her about how they are going to work together to save his buddies

Godzilla: "Spirit of the Beast Tree! I have come to save you, Spirit of the Beast Tree!"

Spirit of the Beast Tree: "G… Godzilla… You… You have fought this hard, even to the point of your terrible injuries, all for my sake?"

Godzilla (embracing the Spirit of the Beast Tree): "I will go and distract the humans. While I am doing that, go and freaking close the doors between our two worlds!" (Godzilla uses a rude command form here, which I decided to translate in a spirited fashion.)

Spirit of the Beast Tree: "You mustn't get injured anymore! You have fought enough already!"

Godzilla: "My friends who remain alive are more important than I am!"

Spirit of the Beast Tree: "Godzilla… You are a brave warrior!"

Then the Spirit just up and disappears, presumably to begin preparations for closing the warp tunnel between the two worlds. Then Mechagodzilla, Mechani-Kong (with a machine gun), Moguera, and a souped-up Jet Jaguar piloted by an evil politician attack! Naturally, by the end, Godzilla kicks a lot more hiney, and then the Spirit of the Beast Tree teleports him out of there once all the fighting is over. She makes a few more comments at the end about Godzilla's unmatchable heroism, again displaying her affection for the radioactive babe magnet:

"Godzilla… goes home… But I think he will return again… Human beings have a lust for expanding their territory to the very limit. Yet anywhere and always Godzilla will continue to fight."

The gist: Godzilla is the tough guy to end all tough guys, and the Spirit of the Beast Tree is deeply moved by his heroism. Maybe she even has a crush on the radioactive dino-man, but Godzilla is pure machismo, honor personified, totally and completely BA—no time for girls here, folks. This manga is frankly the supreme comic for Godzilla-fan service, calculated to have the hardcore fanboys roaring with delight at every panel, with story and art by none other than Godzilla suit actor himself, Hurricane Ryu. This is an absolutely fantastic comic, filled with bombastic humor and absurd action, and a real swell read.

But there's not much romance here, since Godzilla is always more interested in saving his friends than saving time for mystical plant dames. Sorry, Beast Tree.

Dayo — 1,000 millisieverts of love

Dayo, played by the amazingly-beautiful Kumi Mizuno, holds the considerable distinction of being the only woman in the entire Godzilla movie series that Godzilla has actually made eyes at.

Dayo notices Godzilla is coming and is not altogether pleased

In Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966), a group of castaways find themselves stuck on an island in the South Pacific—an island controlled by terrorists known as the Red Bamboo! The castaways team up with Dayo, a gorgeous lady from Infant Island.

The castaways attempt to find a way to free the many slaves being held by the Red Bamboo, but are spotted and run away from the terrorists. Dayo is separated from the others and runs up a nearby mountain of rock. As the terrorists pursue her and are about ready to shoot, they suddenly take pause as a growl reverberates across the sky. Godzilla looms over the side of the mountain, and the terrorists flee. Dayo yells for help, scared of the giant irradiated dinosaur. She crouches next to a rock, and… well, Godzilla apparently really likes her. He studies her carefully and apparently is rather pleased with what he sees (which is understandable). Godzilla takes a sit-down and just enjoys Dayo's company for a while until he falls asleep (lousy date).

Godzilla leers at Dayo, doing his best King Kong impression

Then, quite suddenly, a monstrous condor appears. Here Dayo shows some concern for G and cries out to warn him. Godzilla makes short work of the raggedy bird, and Dayo gives Godzilla a big smile—apparently she is warming up to him! Godzilla regards her and growls softly as he rubs his nose. The touching scene doesn't last long, as just then Godzilla is attacked by Red Bamboo fighter gets! Dayo is nearly blown up by errant missiles, but she manages to make her escape.

At the end of the movie, when the island is about to be blown asunder by atomic bomb, Dayo and the other good guys are carried away by Mothra, and they look back and see Godzilla watching them mournfully—perhaps he misses Dayo. Dayo is the first to speak—"I feel sorry for Godzilla" (a more literal translation might be, "Godzilla looks so pitiful."). At that, the other castaways start yelling for Godzilla to run away from the island before it blows. Godzilla does so, and when Dayo notices, she gives a big smile again and says, "He did escape!" (Or, in the Japanese, something more like, "He was saved!") In the next movie, Godzilla has a son, so maybe Dayo introduced Godzilla to someone in the interim.

One thing is for sure--there is no freaking way Dayo is Minilla's mama--that baby is too butt-ugly to share Mizuno's genes!

(Note: In this movie, Godzilla borrows some of King Kong's libido—Kong was the originally set to star in the movie, but Godzilla eventually took over. Still, Godzilla shows a lot more respect for women that Kong usually does...)

Cute Curator — 1,000 millisieverts

In the rather unique humor book, Godzilla Discovers America, released in the 1980s, Godzilla was shown to have a number of romantic encounters. The least notable of these romantic encounters was with the so-called "cute curator," who worked at the National History Museum. Godzilla is reported to have engaged in flirtation with said curator, "wowing" her with "talk of monsters and martinis" (which I suppose means that Godzilla has a way with words, which could have fooled me.). However, nothing more is reported other than the flirt, and Godzilla apparently was in the middle of another relationship at the time (this particular Godzilla doesn't seem to be very faithful, and is even called a "sexy swinger with scales"), which seems to suggest a very low level of relational seriousness on Godzilla's part.

Concept sketch showing the flirtatious encounter between Godzilla and the aptly-nicknamed "cute curator." Art by Sam Messerly.

The blond babe practically passes out over her excitement about the stupid lottery

Lotto-Loving Girl — 1,500 millisieverts of love

In this lottery commercial, Godzilla is shown smashing up a city with a number of mostly Caucasian citizens screaming and pointing and so on.

A man in a hat turns to a pretty blonde and says, "It's enormous!" Godzilla smashes a train, breathes fire, and the woman practically swoons—seriously, she looks like she is a fan-girl about to faint from overexcitement at a rock concert. Godzilla seems to be trying to impress her, frankly.

Godzilla stalks away, frustrated that all his bluster didn't get him noticed by the cute girl

Then, at the end of the commercial, it is revealed that the crowd is actually excited about the lottery bonus draw...

Godzilla scratches his head and leaves looking really disappointed when he realizes that the crowd (and perhaps especially the babe) hardly even noticed him.

...Okay, this one requires a bit of interpretation, but run with me here, okay?

The Cosmos — 1,500 millisieverts of love

The Cosmos as Street Fighter Godzilla pictures them—with enormous mammary glands

As previously mentioned in the entry on Mosuko, the romantically shallow and callous martial-arts kaiju Street Fighter Godzilla initially is put off when the visually unattractive Mosuko confesses her love for him. Not only is he put off, but he is so shocked that he leaps high into the sky with enough force to reach escape velocity. In other words, he was very, very much NOT attracted to Mosuko. However, he reconsiders his romantic chances when he realizes that Mosuko probably comes with a pair of hot twins—the Cosmos. It isn't clear from the comic whether SFG is thinking of the Cosmos from Mothra, and he just figures that every giant moth (including Mosuko) have hot twin servant babes—or if in this universe Mosuko is the only Mothra, and SFG has personally met the Cosmos... or even if the Cosmos would be tiny or human sized or what. Nevertheless, in his mind, SFG pictures the twins as being quite well-endowed, and his attraction to them is strong enough to overcome his shock at the prospect of dating an insect. Still, given that it appears he has no real relationship with the fairy females, and that his attraction to them is being expressed through dating another girl rather than through any expression of love towards the Cosmos themselves, well… I don't see a fairytale romance outcome from this pairing.

My suspicions seem to be confirmed as well, given that in the doujinshi sequel, "Street Fighter Godzilla 2014," drawn again by the original artist and published in Gojimaga vol. 3, Mosuko nor the Cosmos can be seen. Instead they are replaced by a buxom babe named Mizuno (I wonder who she is named after…), who basically is just in the story for Hedorah to attack, his toxic sludge dissolving her clothes (of course). However, no relationship is hinted at between Godzilla and the mysterious Mizuno woman.

Ghidera — 2,000 millisieverts of love

From Jay Snodgrass's book of Godzilla-themed poetry Monster Zero comes one of Godzilla's especially shallow romantic relations—Ghidera, the triple-headed playboy who Godzilla seduces in the poem "Godzilla in Drag." The particular Godzilla featured here is described as female, though whether Snodgrass meant her to be biologically female or a crossdresser is unclear (as are many of his poems). Godzilla is a lonely, sexually frustrated creature who visits the Bomb Crater Bar on a hunt for folks to simply notice her—and for a one-night stand. She flirts indiscriminately by blinking with her "amphibious lids" until Ghidera comes in and hits on her with the words, "I just came in from Planet X and I'm looking to stir up some trouble."

Ghidera on the prowl for kaiju babes. Art by Sam Messerly.

Snodgrass writes of Godzilla and Ghidera flirting and smashing up the city simultaneously. Godzilla sprinkles herself with gasoline to be sexy, Ghidera kisses her, bites her, and they end up consummating their passions on Mt. Fuji after much flirting and carrying on. However, Ghidera abandons her directly afterwards, which prompts G to fly into a rage and kick the living snot out of the tri-headed lothario. I suppose, then, to some degree Godzilla had an emotional attachment to the jerk, despite the brevity of their tryst. Essentially, the poem seems to be a halfhearted retelling of Invasion of Astro Monster (1965) with Ghidera controlled by aliens from Planet X and the fight envisioned as a lovers' spat, but the "romance" is so superficial that it's hard to rate this particular G-relationship very highly.

Godzilla gets down and gets funky with a mysterious girl with black hair

Snickers Dancing Girl — 2,000 Millisieverts of Love

In the same commercial as the Snickers Flirty Girl comes the Snickers Dancing Girl.

If you look closely during the scene at the party, Godzilla can be seen dancing with a girl with long black hair. The girl is really getting into the dance, and Godzilla looks pretty happy, too.

The house party is packed with people enjoying themselves. Onlookers note that Godzilla is actually pretty cool... except when he's hungry. Hopefully not foreshadowing for this mixer.

Nancy "Debbie" Archer — 2,000 millisieverts

...

As told in the unrelentingly raunchy (and decidedly unofficial) Debbie Does Monsterland novella/short story by Emma Steele, Nancy "Debbie" Archer is a fifty-foot woman with a monster-sized libido who, at the beginning of the story, is being held captive by the Hollywood Organization for Medical Experimentation (HOME). When she sees documentary footage of Godzilla mating with Anguirus and Rodan, she takes it upon herself to escape HOME and make her way to Monsterland so she can partake in kaiju intercourse. In Debbie Does Monsterland, however, she has graphic and wild sex with several other monsters—Minilla (!!!), Baragon, Rodan, Gamera, and Kumonga (?!?!?), but not with the King of the Monsters. She doesn't actually consummate her lust with Godzilla until the sexual… I mean sequel, Alien vs. Debbie: An Erotic Adventure, in which readers are assaulted with a seemingly unending sequence of Godzilla and Nancy going at it until a nuclear bomb interrupts them. To go into any more detail would quickly make this post X-rated.

But how does Godzilla actually feel about Nancy Archer? Nothing but lust, presumably, given that they only just meet and mate. In the fantasy world Steele creates, the monsters appear to simply exist for sex, as does Nancy herself (although she at least tells herself she will try to save the world from pollution after satisfying her libido… as if that will ever happen). This isn't love, this is just animal lust run amok, and the relationship never had a chance to develop into anything else before nuclear fires cut everything short.

Note: I included this "relationship" because the books in which the relationship are described are available for purchase on Amazon.com—but I couldn't bring myself to purchase them, and just used a free trial of Kindle Unlimited to give them a quick read. Note to everyone reading this review: it's not worth it.

Lamomma — 2,000 millisieverts of love

In Godzilla Discovers America, the first woman Godzilla shows interest in is Lamomma, a transparent parody of Madonna. According to a brief tabloid article breathlessly reporting the scandalous relationship, Godzilla is described as "dancing the night away" at "Studio 58" before retreating to Lamomma's penthouse for some late-night loving. Given that the book was published in the late 1980s, the author takes the opportunity to jab at Madonna's then-husband, Sean Penn—in the book, Lamomma's husband is "Sean Penned," who "is serving time for punching out the television crew of Entertainment Last Night" while Godzilla and Lamomma perform their adulterous acts. In real life, Sean Penn was apparently known for exploding at news folk.

But enough about that—did Godzilla really love Lamomma? Apparently not—for one thing, he was hitting on a married woman, which is totally uncool. For another, despite the attention he gave to Lamomma, he was also macking on a "cute curator" at about the same time…

This Godzilla is a real playboy jerkface.

Godzilla and Lamomma do the Planet X Boogie at Studio 58. Art by Sam Messerly.

Yuki Saito — 2,000 Millisieverts of Love

In the 1991 manga anthology, The Godzilla Comic, two influential creative minds came together to create a minor Godzilla story—Minoru Kawasaki (writer), the eventual director of 2008 film The Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit and the 2004 film Calamari Wrestler, and Kia Asamiya (artist), creator of Silent Mobius and Martian Successor Nadesico, and frequent collaborator on Western comics (he has worked on Batman and X-Men comics, for example). Together, they put together a little story called "Godzilla2," which was only eight pages long.

Yuki Saito is revealed and Godzilla shows he really likes Japanese pop singers

In the story, Godzilla attacks Japan as always, and the combined might of Super-X and Super-X2, as well as the markalite cannons and maser cannons and other high-tech equipment, are marshaled against him. Godzilla, though, is completely unfazed and just destroys everything, as usual.

Finally, the military bigwigs and scientists and so on (all drawn as famous old-school Toho actors) convene their inevitable meeting to discuss what is to be done. Everyone is at their wit's end as to how to deal with Godzilla, but a kaiju scientist drawn to resemble Dr. Serizawa suggests bringing in the talents of an ESP girl who can converse with animals. The bigwigs argue—and someone notes that women often have power over monsters, citing King Kong and Mothra as examples. They finally decide to make a gamble on the ESP girl, who, up until this point has remained in the shadows.

At the end of the story, a maser cannon is used to project an image of the ESP girl onto the sky—and she is revealed to be (big spoiler) Yuki Saito, a very famous singer and actress in real life who works for Toho—perhaps best known Stateside in her role as the original Sukeban Deka, or the Yo-Yo Cop Girl. She proceeds to sing "Yume No Naka E," which was also sung in a concert scene in Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989) [check out this review for the Heart of Glass + Single Collection CD containing the song]. Godzilla is drawn to the enormous image of a cute woman blasted across the sky, stops rampaging and goes out to sea, pacified. The bigwigs congratulate Yuki on a job well-done, and Godzilla is shown to have a soft spot for cute pop singers.

Amusingly, the creators of the manga include a note at the end wherein they basically say, "We hadn't seen Godzilla vs. Biollante when we put together this story, and we had no idea of the contents of that movie's story! CRAP!"

Sa-chan, Midori, Mako, Keiko, Sei-chan, Harumi, Kuni, Miko, Toshie, etc, etc. — 3,000 Millisieverts of Love

In a song called "Gojira no Oyomesan" (Bride of Godzilla) from 1972, performed by famed tokusatsu-singer Masato Shimon (apparently in relation to the Toho Champion Festival), Godzilla actually can be heard singing of his love… for a whole small army of girls! It seems Godzilla just wants to get married, but all the girls just keep running away! Here, I should let the lyrics (translated to English) speak for themselves:

Godzilla belts out a song about his love while his kaiju buddies jam out a slamming accompaniment. (I believe this is the cover to the release of the record.)

Don't run away, don't run away!

Become my bride!

Sachan, Mako-chan, Midori-chan

I will kick the crap out of Gigan, Hedorah, and King Ghidorah for you

Therefore become my, Godzilla's, bride please!

Don't run away, don't run away!

Become my bride!

Keiko-chan, Sei-chan, Harumi-chan

Under the sun near the pool

At the island's bench we can play in the water

Therefore become my, Godzilla's, bride please!

Don't run away, don't run away!

Become my bride!

Kuni-chan, Miko-chan, Toshie-chan

To the jungle, to the South Pole, I can take you to anywhere you like to go

Therefore become my, Godzilla's, bride please!

As one can see from the lyrics, Godzilla mostly just seems desperate for anybody to marry him—so long as the girl is Japanese, apparently. There are actually two versions of the song, both performed by Shimon, though one of them is sung in a deep, silly "Godzilla voice"—and the list of names for the girls differs in each song! So the upside is that Godzilla is proposing marriage here, but he isn't showing particular romantic feelings to anyone in particular, and since he is proposing higgledy piggledy, he just kind of comes across as... insincere.

Blonde Godzilla — anywhere from 3,000-10,000 millisieverts of love

Two Godzilla torsos in bed have an intimate conversation

This one is really hard to judge.

In a very short clip on Robot Chicken, we get a glimpse into the sex lives of two Godzillas—one of them appears to be a female version of the Heisei Godzilla. The male Godzilla has horns (to indicate that he is horny?) and appears to be a riff on a Showa Godzilla design.

I am not going to go into detail here, but the glimpse we have is of two Godzillas who seem to care about each other and want to make each other happy. We don't know much more than that, although the tone of the conversation suggests that the pair has known each other for some time and may be married. The most encouraging part of their relationship is simply that they seem to care about each other--and then Mechagodzilla shows up and kind of spoils everything.

The Protective Husband — anywhere from 5,000-10,000 millisieverts of love

At the beginning of the delightful house-building comedy All About Our House (2001), we are treated to a scene from a rough draft of a television script by main-character Naosuke Iijima. In the script, a crowd of onlookers have gathered outside an upper-story apartment, where the renter is guarding his front door. A man who I am assuming is the landlord (but whom I will refer to as "dude" from here on out) is trying to sort out a bit of a controversy taking place in his apartment building. Let's listen in.

Dude: Excuse me, let me through. Everything's OK, it's OK. (To the man guarding his door) Pets aren't allowed here.

Man guarding door: You have it all wrong.

Dude: No more excuses. You were walking a really huge one!

Man guarding door: Don't be ridiculous.

The Dude's jaw drops as wife Godzilla emerges and makes a run for it

Dude: A giant lizard with a huge tail… bit the people in #301.

Man guarding door: That has nothing to do with me.

Dude: It's a public nuisance. (Dude moves forward to open the door and have a peek inside.)

Man guarding door: Go away! Stop it! (They struggle, and over the continuing dialogue, the Dude will eventually manage to open the door.)

Dude: Let me look!

Man guarding door: I'll sue!

Dude: Oh, look, it's a lizard!

Man guarding door: That's my wife, my wife! Stop it! Don't! She hates flashes! Stop it!

(At this point, a human-sized Godzilla dashes out of the room, to the great shock of the Dude. Everyone stops and stares as Godzilla runs away.)

This scene (which perhaps inspired another Godzilla scene from Always: Sunset on Third Street 2 several years later, which was ALSO a rough draft of a story written by one of the main characters) does not really make Godzilla's romantic inclinations very clear, so it's hard to rank accurately. If the man guarding the door is being honest, and he really is Godzilla's long-suffering husband, then he certainly shows some affection for the lizard by trying to protect her, threatening to sue, and even warning off the local paparazzi from taking flash photography (perhaps a nod to King Kong from 1933). Still, Godzilla doesn't seem very grateful for the loving care displayed by her husband, as she just runs away without any display of affection for her hubby—though apparently this she-Godzilla was prone to going for romantic walks with the man, and even bit some folks in room 301, perhaps as an act of defense? Hard to say, and since Naosuke Iijima eventually finishes the story with Megaguirus replacing Godzilla (as we see in the background in the end of the movie), we may never know the extent of this Godzilla's love, or her feelings about how her husband was stolen away by a bug.

Godzilla and Gojirin splash and play in the water during the opening credits--apparently a frequent game for them

Gojirin — 5,000 millisieverts of love

Along with Godzilla's sister, Gojirin starred in Susume! Gojirando Asobou Tashizan, released in 1996, from Toho and Gakken. Gojirin was played by voice actress Akemi Okamura, who has done voices in numerous anime such as D. Gray-Man and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Gojirin, a pink Godzilla with heart-shaped spines, is probably my personal favorite of all of Godzilla's love interests simply because their relationship is so adorable. Gojirin is, quite possibly, Godzilla's first crush.

In the video, Godzilla in present day tells a story to his sister (who remains nameless) of how he learned addition. In the story, Mechagodzilla kidnaps Anguirus because Mechagodzilla is determined to force the spiky one to become his friend. Godzilla at the time is angry at Anguirus because they got into a fight, and is off moping when he runs into Gojirin. When Godzilla sees Gojirin, his tone of voice sounds a bit dumbstruck, but even more telling is that he immediately blushes. Godzilla obviously likes Gojirin, and he even listens to her opinions about his friendship with Anguirus.

Godzilla and Gojirin dash towards the screen, hand-in-hand

Later, Godzilla goes on a mission to save Anguirus—but in order to do that, he has to recharge his flame breath by eating lots of fruit and fish. At one point, when Baragon offers to bring Gojirin some fruit, Godzilla gets mad and insists that he will bring her fruit as well, showing (again) how much he cares for her. He manages to bring more fruit to Gojirin than Baragon does.

Godzilla also plays with Gojirin in the water, splashing and having a grand time, showing that they have a close relationship. Perhaps most telling of all, in the opening credits, during lyrics that say "I won't let go of your hand," Godzilla and Gojirin run hand-in-hand towards the screen, wide-open grins on their faces.

Their relationship is too cute. I guess you could say I am on Team Gojirin.

Newzilla, and her dazzling eyes

Newzilla — 5,000 millisieverts of love

Godzilla appeared in two 1985 Dr. Pepper commercials that coincided with the release of The Return of Godzilla stateside as Godzilla 1985.

In the first commercail, Godzilla smashes up a Japanese city until finally being pacified by an enormous can of Dr. Pepper.

Godzilla, thunderstruck by Newzilla's beauty

The second commercial is a direct continuation of the first. Right after Godzilla is mollified, a female monster appears—Newzilla, a bipedal beast with a frill, a cute bow, and glowing eyes. Newzilla resumes the rampage that Godzilla started, and Godzilla is immediately taken by her beauty. He offers her a beautiful tree in lieu of a bouquet—but he is rejected!

A female cries out into her microphone, "Unless Godzilla finds something to appease her, we're doomed!"

Godzilla wins Newzilla's heart with gratuitous product placement

Well, Godzilla finds that something in a giant Diet Dr. Pepper can (with straw!), so Newzilla is becalmed by sweet soda that won't make her fat, and Godzilla scores a nice date (though she has a bit of a nasty temper, there).

Coolmate Godzilla Couple — 5,000 millisieverts

A female Godzilla, with enormous pink lips just begging to be kissed

In 1980, a Hong Kong studio announced the production of Star Godzilla, which was ultimately canceled due to Toho's displeasure. That ultimately didn't stop Hong Kong from producing a couple commercials featuring a Godzilla of sorts—or rather, a Godzilla couple. These Godzillas sport simplified horns on their spines instead of the distinctive backplates, but it is very clear that their designs are explicitly based on Godzilla, from the color and texture of their skin to the construction of their faces. They definitely have the distinct overall design of Godzilla, albeit playfully tweaked.

The female Godzilla gets a leaf in her eye, and the male Godzilla carefully displays his tiny horns in an attempt to convince Toho that he isn't REALLY Godzilla

In one commercial, the pair of Godzillas are holding hands when a breeze blows a leaf into the female Godzilla's eye. The male Godzilla, showing gentle affection, tries to blow the leaf out of her eye with his breath—and ends up singeing half of her face. The male Godzilla then backs up awkwardly—obviously feeling pretty awful. The other commercial features the female Godzilla trying to blow a fly off of a chicken on a stick that the male Godzilla had cooked for her. Unfortunately, she ends up cooking the male Godzilla's face.

Both commercials end with one of the Godzillas drinking Coolmate to address their stomach inflammation, and the Coolmate causes a pimple to pop off each Godzilla's face. So presumably the Godzillas are made more attractive to each other by the end?

Komodithrax makes her grand entrance

Komodithrax — 6,000 millisieverts of love

Godzilla (sometimes called Godzilla Junior or Zilla) from the animated Godzilla the Series actually had a mate in one episode—Komodithrax the giant mutated Komodo dragon. (Apparently the writers of the series wanted to make Komodithrax into another Godzilla, but they were shot down. Just as well, though—if Komodithrax was another Godzilla, there's a good chance they would be directly related…)

In the episode "End of the Line," Nic takes Audrey on a cruise to Alaska and plans to pop the question—but instead his life is changed in a different way when the cruise is interrupted by a giant cool-looking turtle. After a series of events, Nic and Audrey find Komodithrax on a nearby volcanic island. Komoditrhax is the same genus as Godzilla and can smell Godzilla on Nic. For some reason Nic knows instinctively that Komodithrax a girl—I guess he has the instinctive ability to sex enormous mutated monsters.

Godzilla and Komodithrax do the kaiju version of the sock hop

Godzilla senses Komodithrax from a distance, and comes zooming over from his underwater cave to join her. They do a mating dance together. Then Godzilla chases off the humans because he is, quote, "googly" in love and "irrationally protective" of her. Elsie hints that Komodithrax isn't right for G, though Elsie really just has the hots for Nic and wants Audrey out (this was kind of a soap opera episode).

They soon discover that Godzilla and Komodithrax have made a nest together, and even have an egg. However, Nick insists that Godzilla is infertile, and that Komodithrax fertilized her own egg ala the 1998 Godzilla movie. Elsie exclaims, "Godzilla's playing surrogate daddy!"

Even Godzilla's romantic relationship is vulnerable to the (satellite) paparazzi. Here he nuzzles the egg... THAT HE LATER ABANDONS!

Godzilla seems really over-the-top in love—at first. But it wasn't to last—soon the gnarly turtle returns, knocks out Komodithrax, and steals the egg. Godzilla shows affection to K by nuzzling her, and then sets off to protect the egg. A big fight ensues, with the end result that Komodithrax, the egg, and the turtle all fall into a canyon. At that point, Godzilla looks down the canyon briefly and is just like, "Dude, forget that relationship. I am not even going to check if you're still alive." Real committed there, bro.

For what it's worth, "End of the Line" also included a scene in which Komodithrax's roar is recorded by the H.E.A.T. team (Nic and his crew) and used to lure Godzilla away. In a different episode that was unaired during the initial run, titled "Tourist Trap," unscrupulous entrepreneur Milo Sanders uses a Godzilla mating call to summon Godzilla. We can assume came from the same recording, given that Sanders is shown to be a scheming lout not above stealing from H.E.A.T. However, the call has no effect, and Godzilla doesn't show up, so we can assume Godzilla has completely forgotten his ex AND his adopted egg-baby.

Jerk.

Here Cokra sits astride the refrigerator as her children ransack the place

Cokra — 6,000 millisieverts of love

The 1988 "illustrated novel" Godzilla Discovers America includes several love interests—most prominently Cokra the Giant Cockroach, who is definitely in the running for the award of "most face-scrunchingly ugly kaiju of all time." (The beasts from Big Man Japan beat her out, though.)

Cokra and her children are introduced raiding an apartment in New York (and they apparently ate the family dog), but then attracted Godzilla's attention at Miami Beach—the roaches attack an oil tanker, and Godzilla scares them off.

Later, their antagonistic relationship continues at Three Mile Island. Cokra, her babies, and Godzilla fight for several hours, with the roaches inhaling radioactivity whenever they need a boost of energy. Godzilla apparently wins the fight, and their feud is subdued. But like all great romances (at least in the movies), what started as prickly feelings turns to hearts and flowers when Cokra gives Godzilla a box of chocolates.

Godzilla and Cokra reach a plateau in their relationship

Cokra's roommate questions Cokra's taste in men, and Godzilla's party-mate the Creature from Beyond the Earth is skeptical that the relationship will last since Godzilla is so popular with the ladies, but apparently the romance takes root for a time at least as Godzilla can be seen on the next page with Cokra riding his shoulder while he pushes her children in a baby-buggy (get it?). I am not sure what is up with the "Roach Ship" and the hand tickling G's pectoral, though.

Not much else is mentioned about their relationship in the book, but when Godzilla runs for the U.S. Senate, Cokra is there with him, and her children do the advertising, so it seems they united their professional interests for a time as well. And anyway, given how repulsive Cokra is, as well as Godzilla's nasty history with cockroaches (see Godzilla vs. Gigan [1972] and Godzilla vs. Megalon [1973] for details), the fact that they were together at all shows that the relationship really meant something to the Big G.

Note: The chocolates Cokra gave Godzilla can be seen at the top of this article.

Bette Midler — 7,000 millisieverts of love

In the late 1970s, Godzilla (played by John Belushi, in a suit created by Robert Short for Hollywood Boulevard [1976]) appeared for an interview with Barbara Wawa on Saturday Night Live, and in the following interview, the two discussed some details of Godzilla's love life.

This particular Godzilla is actually Hawaiian, from an egg that was gestated in a lava flow in Oahu. Godzilla goes on to explain that he went to school with, and dated, Bette Midler—and that they actually went steady for two years, which is one of the most successful Godzilla romances recorded to date. This little factoid also confirms Godzilla's taste in singers, as Bette Midler joins Lamomma and Yuki Saito in the list of musically talented former paramours.

Godzilla and Bette Midler on a date to the Makapuu Lighthouse, before they graduated high school. Art by Sam Messerly.

"Darling" — 7,000-10,000 millisieverts of love

In this commercial for NEC light bulbs, we see Godzilla watching Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla (1994) in a dimly lit room. Suddenly a female voice asks Godzilla to turn on the light ("Oheya wo akarukushite"—light up the room)—and whoever this lady is, she refers to Godzilla as "Darling"!

Godzilla puts up a light for his loved one in the NEC commercial

A couple things are going on here—whoever the woman is, she is concerned about Godzilla's eyesight. If you have ever watched a Japanese DVD, they almost always have a warning at the beginning, asking viewers to watch the DVD in a well-lit area, and not to sit too close to the TV. Second, obviously Godzilla is in some kind of romantic relationship here—and Godzilla must be particularly lovey-dovey with this lady, since she calls him "darling". In Japan, such overt love-nicknames are rare; more commonly, a wife will simply refer to her husband as "anata," which means "you."

In a sequel commercial, the same woman's voice asks Godzilla to put up another light with a cover, which he immediately does (Godzilla is delighted to do whatever his love asks him to do). When Godzilla manages this domestic feat, the woman's voice becomes very excited, exclaiming, "Very good, darling!" or perhaps more colloquially, "That's so much nicer, darling!" Godzilla responds by clapping his hands, so he is pretty excited to receive his woman's praise!

Okay, so their relationship (in the limited context of the commercial) kind of looks like a dog doing tricks for his master, and it's kind of weird that she never actually comes into the room. Still, the couple seems to be in love, and may even be married. Definitely one of Godzilla's more successful relationships.

Bijira as she appears in-game

Bijira — 8,000 millisieverts of love

In 1990, the Nintendo Game Boy received what amounted to a remake of the MSX game Gojira-Kun—with a few modifications. The Game Boy title , called simply Godzilla in the US, received a slightly new name—Gojira-Kun: Kaiju Dai Koushin (ゴジラくん怪獣大行進), or "Godzilla-Kun: Kaiju Big March"—and some significant new characters.

Along with Godzilla's mother (Majira), Godzilla's father (Pajira), and extended family/friends (Yojira, Itajira, and Ganjira), Godzilla got a girlfriend—Bijira, a brown-haired, light skinned atomic bombshell of a Godzilla girl! (Okay, I don't know how much of a looker she is, but her name basically means "beautiful Godzilla," so I am running with it.)

All these new Godzilla characters wear clothes and talk and are drawn in a cute, "chibi" style, which helps humanize them and make their relationships more… well, not realistic, but at least it's easier to see these guys talking and playing and dating and so on compared to the vinyl-suited versions.

Unfortunately for Godzilla's love life, Bijira has apparently been kidnapped by a pack of his former enemies—he will have to fight his way through King Ghidorah, Mechagodzilla, Rodan, Baragon (sometimes a whole legion of Baragons), and Hedorah! For some reason, even his buddy Anguirus is fighting against Godzilla in this game! (Maybe kaiju women are pretty rare… it would sure seem so, given the movies.) Even more importantly, Godzilla has to smash lots of boulders with his fist for some reason to progress from level to level (because when I think of Godzilla, I think of him smashing boulders with his fists), AND he has to work his way through a maze of levels while being guided by his dad about where to go! (If you disobey Pajira, get ready to be scolded by Majira and have to redo the level.) Luckily, Godzilla has a secret weapon—flame breath, powered by eating super-spicy curry! (Man, I would have loved to have seen that in the movies…) '

From left to right: Pajira, Majira, Yojira, Ganjira and Itajira

If you can bash enough boulders, munch enough curry, and wallop enough enemy monsters, eventually you win back Bijira, who gives you a big smile at the end and a cute pose. And dude, even though we never see Godzilla embracing Bijira or dancing with her or building a nest with her, you KNOW this is true love. Nobody but nobody is going to smash hundreds upon hundreds of boulders with his bare fist just to be with someone if he isn't flat out bonkers in love.

Bijira squees, thinking about what a hunk Godzilla-Kun is for shattering so many rocks with his bare knuckles. Art by Sam Messerly.

Mai Morikawa, a television actress, plays Yayoi in a 2014 production

Yayoi Ichinose — 9,000 millisieverts of love

Perhaps the ultimate Godzilla (comedy) romance is Yasuhiko Ohashi's play, Godzilla, from 1987—written as a sequel of sorts to The Return of Godzilla (1984), and translated twice into English—once by John K. Gillespie, and later by M. Cody Poulton (both will be referenced here). The entire play centers around the love of Yayoi Ichinose, a perfect and innocent Japanese woman, and Godzilla, here depicted as a nigh-unstoppable monster with a soft heart shredded by years of rejections.

They first meet on the mountainside. Godzilla had been sleeping, possibly for years, and could be easily mistaken for a boulder, covered with moss and vegetation. Yet Yayoi senses him, climbs him, finds him, and is charmed by the violet growing on his tail. They fall in love quickly, completely—even on that first meeting, with Yayoi noting, "It must've been your eyes—they look so gentle" (Poulton).

Godzilla shows a great deal of consideration towards Yayoi, trying to warm her when she is cold (and almost burning her up), cooking the delicious parts of a cow for her. When they kiss for the first time, it has a "radioactive taste."

Yayoi takes Godzilla to visit her family, to introduce them, directing him to hold his tail and be sure to step around most buildings (though she wants him to stomp on her former school). Her family—mother Tsumugi, father Yougan, sisters Emi and Yumi (yes, a Mothra reference), and her grandmother—are all against the marriage. Godzilla's too poor, too big, too monstrous... but especially too poor. The grandmother brings up Godzilla's past children from a past marriage.

Chinami Suzuki, a fashion model, portrays Yayoi in 2012

Godzilla's half-brother also arrives—Mothra, who is married to Pigmon from the Ultraman series. Mothra is also against the match—how can he care for her? What job can he have? How can he raise children with her? Mothra (as well as Pigmon) urge Godzilla to marry another monster, and note some of the other monster marriages, such as Hedorah and Gomess. (Apparently, too, Godzilla was flirting with those birds in The Return of Godzilla—he was attracted to them because he found them to be hot stuff, if I am reading correctly... but I am not sure I am reading correctly. This play is weird.) But both Yayoi and Godzilla are completely adamant that they will marry.

At one point, Godzilla states: "I will absolutely try to make Yayoi happy" (Gillespie).

Yayoi is even more forward, stronger with her commitment: "If I didn't have feelings of love hundreds of times, thousands of times more than for a human man, I couldn't love the monster Godzilla" (Gillespie).

But when Hayata, a childhood friend of Yayoi's who is in love with her, coordinates a military strike against Godzilla and transforms into Ultraman (sort of) to fight him for Yayoi's love, Godzilla is worn down. He defeats Ultraman, but, after so much rejection, so much pain, he feels unworthy of Yayoi's love.

He presents himself to Hayata's gun, allows him to shoot him in the chest, declaring:

"I can't love you unless I stop being Godzilla and become somehow human instead, somebody who can die from a single shot to my chest. (…) Let this blood I shed be my first promise to you that I'll no longer be Godzilla."

Midori Kashima portrays Yayoi in another 2014 production of the play

With that, he leaves her, abandons her to return to the mountain from which he came: Mt. Mihara on Oshima Island, where Godzilla was entrapped in The Return of Godzilla (1984) and subsequently arose in Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989). The real Oshima Island is also located approximately where the fictional Odo Island would have been, as noted in the introduction to Gillespie.

What happens next is up for interpretation. Kevin J. Wetmore, Jr., writing for William Tsutsui's collection of academic essays In Godzilla's Footsteps, interprets the entirety of the romance with Godzilla as a daydream, a reverie. Hirofumi Okano, in an introduction to the play in Half a Century of Japanese Theater III: The 1980s Part 1, writes that "Ohashi leads the viewer to suspect that the whole story was a momentary delusion." This is because the play begins and ends with the eruption of Mt. Mihara on Oshima Island and the evacuation thereof. Godzilla may just be a fancy dreamt up by Yayoi as she heads into the Katori, the rescue ship. But as she gets on the ship, she recognizes someone—a man, getting on with her, appears to be Godzilla. Could it be that Godzilla has successfully transformed himself into a human being just so he can be with her? Yayoi and the man hold hands as romantic feeling bubbles up inside them both. After everything that happened throughout the play, I just prefer to interpret that Yayoi and this particular Godzilla were able to be together at last.

Yayoi has been portrayed dozens of times over the years--for example, by Kate Hundley (2006, Canada), as well as Erika Tonooka (2011), Chinami Suzuki (2012), Mao Kanjou (2013), Midori Kashima (2014), and Mai Morikawa (2014).

(I realize I am being a bit unfair here, since Zoey near the top arguably also encounters Godzilla only through a smaller fantasy sequence, but I think Yayoi deserves a lot more recognition than Zoey... And dang it, I just interpret Yayoi's dream sequence as real!)

Godzilla's Unnamed Wife — 10,000 millisieverts of love

Godzilla with his loving family, blasting out their lungs to a ludicrous pop single

Interestingly, one of the most touching displays of Godzilla affection ever was shown in a commercial for Hitachi—for a karaoke machine. The commercial opens with a scene from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993), in which he is destroying some buildings with his nuclear beam… But then we transition to a human-sized Godzilla riding home on the train, and a narrator begins speaking… The narrator being Godzilla's wife!

We are made to understand that the scene at the beginning was Godzilla "at work," as his wife says in a pleased tone, "Recently my husband has been coming home a bit early…" The reason? Why, he has made a karaoke tape, complete with a sticker with the words, "Papa's karaoke tape" written across it. In fact, Godzilla's proclivity for singing is so well-known in the neighborhood that even the vegetable seller knows about it, shouting out to Godzilla as he walks by, "Ah, Godzilla! Going to sing?" Godzilla acknowledges the guy and grunts in the affirmative.

Soon we are treated to a sequence in which Godzilla begins singing to a love song by a cute Japanese pop star (perhaps another nod to Godzilla's interest in pop singers like Yuki Saito or Bette Midler), and his absolutely adorable daughter calling out, "Do your best!" Godzilla's back plates, too, light up to the music, and his wife shakes a tambourine while sitting seiza-style on the carpet. An older lady, perhaps Godzilla's mother-in-law (often in Japan the older generation lives with their children well into seniority), smiles and perhaps sings along.

Godzilla must care very much for his wife to come home early to spend time with her and with his daughter and mother-in-law, and they show their affection for each other in how much pleasure they get out of simply singing along to a really banal pop song ("Lalala love! Lalala"), and in the fact that Godzilla went so far as to make his own karaoke tape to share with his family (on their 900 dollar karaoke machine). Sure, it's a decidedly consumeristic vision of blissful family life, but Godzilla SHOULD have some cash stashed from starring in so many movies over the years.

I love this commercial—and Godzilla's daughter is INFINITELY cuter than any of his sons over the years. Maybe the daughter came with the marriage, I don't know.

A more-detailed drawing portraying Godzilla with his wife, based on the unfortunately rather low-res video capture. Art by Sam Messerly.

Juanita — 10,000 millisieverts of love

In the same interview with Barbara Wawa in which Godzilla discussed his relationship with Bette Midler, he also gave some details about his wife—a woman named Juanita, who he describes as being 5' 3" and very petite—but that he has "no complaints" and that he is "very happily" married to her. As Godzilla says very eloquently:

"I've got a beautiful wife -- Juanita -- and two lovely children. Uh -- Skyler, 8, and Lindsey... 5."

Godzilla goes on to note that Skyler and Lindsey are both boys, and that he wants them both to be football players. Minilla is never mentioned. Barbara goes on to ask a question about Godzilla's physical relationship with Juanita, and we can conclude from his response that he treats his wife very tenderly. In other words, Godzilla's marriage to Juanita absolutely deserves the highest ranking on the millisieverts of love scale!

A loving family photo of Godzilla with his wife and two sons, Skyler and Lindsey. Art by Sam Messerly.

Rozan and Kuurin — 10,000 millisieverts of love

Have you ever wished you could see a Godzilla movie by the director of the horror movie, House (1977), with art design by, oh, Katsuhiro Otomo, the creator of Akira (1988) and Steamboy (2004)? (With some other dudes helping to flesh out the story, too, mind.) Well, we never got a movie, but we did get an amazing two-part short story published in the Japanese version of Starlog magazine in the February and April issues from 1979—and it was fully backed by Toho! Most exciting of all, we have a fan-translation of the entire story available now at Maser Patrol.

Rozan's dead body is dissected in one of the most depressing pieces of Godzilla art ever made

Story: One day, Godzilla's corpse washes up on the shores of a fishing village in Japan. At the same time, the American Space Observatory begins to receive strange electro-magnetic waves from deep outer space. Scientists decide to dissect Godzilla, and they find that the giant monster died from diabetes—and, just as surprisingly, they discover that Godzilla is female, and that she was pregnant! As the humans get ready to dissect Godzilla's head, they discover that the brain tissue is still alive. Somehow, for some reason, a beautiful necromancer shows up and manages to make contact with Godzilla's consciousness, and she receives the following message from Godzilla's brain (I never thought I would write that sentence in my life):

My name is Rozan. I have received a message from my home planet, Godzilla Planet. Right now, on Godzilla Planet, something is happening. I must return to Godzilla Planet. I must return home in order to give birth, but on my way home I was overcome by this illness. I really want to get back home to Godzilla Planet, where my husband is waiting for me. However, I do not have the strength to make it. I am terribly sad...

The humans decide to help Rozan the best way they know how—by converting her body into a spaceship and sending her off into space with the baby inside. Just for clarity's sake, they do NOT put Rozan IN a spaceship like what happens to Gamera in his debut film—they actually transform Godzilla's corpse itself into a multi-stage rocket, or at least attach Rozan's head to a spaceship body, with the baby (named Ririn) inside (well, actually, Ririn is just inside the womb—but the womb kind of dangles outside of Rozan's chest).

Then, Spaceship-Rozan zooms off into space to find Godzilla Planet.

Spaceship-Rozan is now a multi-stage rocket... See, I told you I didn't make this stuff up

Spaceship-Rozan, utilizing a warp, manages to teleport outside our galaxy and must overcome many obstacles on the road to Godzilla Planet—those obstacles being, for example, rocks with beaks and a giant trickster alien cloak planet thing. Eventually, Rozan makes it to Godzilla Planet and gives birth to Ririn. At this point, Rozan is completely spent, but tells Ririn to go visit the planet and find his father (and her husband), Kuurin. Unfortunately evil erotic aliens (called Sunerians) are currently occupying Godzilla Planet, and their mission is to kill all the Godzillas in the universe—apparently because Godzillas are super pacifists (!) who never like to fight (!!!) and the Sunerians totally hate that. (Apparently the folks on earth are just such jerk-faces that they somehow managed to provoke Rozan into stomping Tokyo or something.) There's something about psychic connections to a little girl named Momo, and Rozan getting blown to bits, and all Godzillas being able being able to regenerate from even one Godzilla cell, and a bunch of other stuff. When Rozan's husband, Kuurin, hears this, he gets really ticked off. Kuurin, along with some friends, exit their cave home and engage the Sunerian aliens in a fight to the finish. Want to know what happens in the end? Read the story already!

But what about the love between Kuurin and Rozan? How can we rate their romantic attraction? Well, we never see the couple together in the story. For some reason Rozan went on a trip across the universe while pregnant with Kuurin's child (maybe she didn't know?), which certainly seems suspicious. Nevertheless, Rozan is depicted as caring for Kuurin and missing him quite a bit, and Kuurin states that he has depended on Rozan for tens of thousands of years, which is pretty dang impressive! Unfortunately, he watches Rozan get blasted to smithereens right in front of his eyes, and that finally prompts his uber-pacifistic self to kick some Sunerian hinder. So while we never see the Godzilla lovebirds together in the story, we can tell that their relationship, while unconventional, is still heart-felt. Definitely a full 10,000 millisieverts deserved for this star-crossed space Godzilla love saga!

Venco Commercial Crossdresser — Negative 3,000 millisieverts of love

Godzilla pursues what he thinks is a bodacious blonde babe.

In a commercial for Venco, a Dutch licorice brand, a very goofy-looking Godzilla with

tiny maple-leaf back fins can be seen smashing a generic city.

This particular Godzilla apparently has a thing for blond girls, because he sees what he thinks is a blond bombshell in a red dress and stoops to pick her up. Well, the blond is soon de-wigged to reveal a transvestite/crossdresser, who suddenly and inexplicably makes eyes at Godzilla. Whatever romantic interest Godzilla had in this person then dissipates dramatically as the dopey-faced incarnation of our favorite nuclear lizard gapes slack-jawed at his catch, and then drops the transvestite to certain doom (I guess?).

Godzilla registers shock at the buzz-cut XY-chromosome dude beneath the blonde wig

The moral of the commercial is that, with Venco, what you see is what you get, and Godzilla enjoys some licorice. The commercial is somewhat vague, though, as to his interest in the blonde—was he after some monster love, ala King Kong and Ann Darrow, or just a snack?

In any case, whatever interest (romantic or not) dive bombs by the end. It's hard to say that a romance was successful or even positive when it ends with the possible object of affection plummeting to death, and then the presumable paramour lizard celebrating at the end with some tasty licorice!