pre-surgery gratitude selfie

“Are you pregnant or do you think you could be”, asked the nurse looking over my forms. My hesitation must have signaled concern. Here take this cup to the bathroom. Almost two months had passed since I’d been diagnosed with breast cancer, a snowstorm meant I had to wait an additional 3 weeks for my lumpectomy.

I considered operating on myself. I’ve always been quick to pick up new things. Instead to ease my mental strain, I called upon tools of mindfulness that I had read about in books by authors like Eckhart Tolle, Gina Lake, and Jon Kabat Zinn. I practiced daily. When seeds of fear would begin to grow inside I noticed them but did not give the seeds water to flourish. I’d move my consciousness back to whatever I was in the action of doing before the useless thought arose.

Just like a superhero does when they train with their power, I practiced mine. No matter how many times a day I had to redirect myself, I kept at it. Just like a superhero I’d wake up the next morning and practice some more. And just how a superhero’s power becomes a supernatural ability the power of what I call mind control became organic for me.

Now, I rarely even have that space where I have to catch a thought that doesn’t serve me and move my attention back to what I’m doing in the present because the flow of thoughts that do not serve me come and go quickly on their own. But when I do note an occasional unpleasant thought I start my super power mind control training all over again.

The pregnancy test confirmed what over 2 months of not having sex meant, I was not pregnant and able to head into the pre-surgical holding area. It was a slow day in the surgical unit so I had a few doting nurses all to myself. As I took off my cloths to change into a gown a rush of adrenaline hit me. I was excited and curious of the unknown rather than scared and anxious of it. I was thankful I had this reaction.

As I handed my right arm to the nurse so she could start an intravenous drip a huge smile came across myself. The nurse caught my smile and asked, “why are you smiling?” I lifted my left hand to my heart where I had felt a warm energy vibrating, “I feel such an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I live in the part of the world where I can have this surgery, so many woman don’t.” I replied. Several of the other nurses overheard me, smiles came over their faces too.