( Mr. Mackey )M'KAY, KIDS, CAN I HAVE ITQUIET, PLEASE ? M'KAY. M'KAY, QUIET NOW, THE ASSEMBLYIS ABOUT TO START, M'KAY. QUIET, M'KAY. ( loud feedback ) ( kids screaming ) M'KAY. UH, NOW KIDS, WE HAVE A REALLYFUN MOTIVATIONAL GROUP TODAY WHO ARE GONNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE DANGERSOF SMOKIN', M'KAY. SO PLEASE GIVE A VERY BIG SOUTH PARK COWS WELCOMETO-- BUTT OUT ! WOO-HOO !ALL RIGHT ! GET THOSE HANDS UP ! ♪ BUTT OUTYEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ GIVE THAT CIGARETTE BUTTA THROW ♪ ♪ BUTT OUTUH-HUH ♪ ♪ SMOKING'S GOT TO GO ♪ OH, NO. YEAH !WOO-HOO ! HEY, STUDENTS ! HOW ARE WE ALL FEELINGTODAY ? WOOO ! HEY, DID YOU GUYS KNOWTHAT EACH YEAR OVER 600,000 PEOPLE A YEARDIE FROM SMOKING ? A YEAR ! 600,000 ? ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOTJUST BLOWING SMOKE ? ( laughing ) BLOW SMOKE, US ?NO WAY ! BECAUSE WE DON'TNEED TO SMOKE AND NEITHER DO YOU,RIGHT, KIDS ? BUTT OUT ! BREAK IT DOWN ! ( beat-boxing ) BUTT OUT !YEAH YEAH ! IT'S COOL TO SAY NO ! BUTT OUT !UH-HUH ! SMOKING'S GOT TO GO ! ( beat-boxing ) SMOKIN', NO. NO SMOKIN' ! FREESTYLE ! VERNON ! CHI-STOP. CHA-CHA CHI-CHI. DON'T SMOKE !DON'T EVER SMOKE ! KYLE ! B- TO THE U-TO THE T- TO THE... DUDE, THIS ISUNBEARABLE. I'M GOING TOKILL MYSELF. ... TO THE E- TO THE T-TO THE T- TO THE E. BUTT OUT, CIGARETTES ! RANDY ! SMOKE YOU KNOWHAS GOT TO GO ! YOU GO TO KNOW,YOU GOTTA SAY... AAAGH ! PAM ! ( imitating tire squeal ) ( crash ) ( screeching )DOOON'T SMOOOKE ! WOO HOO !ALL RIGHT ! YOU GUYS, KENNY'SEATING HIS OWN HAND. HEY, WHAT'STHE BIG DEAL ?! I LIKE SMOKING, AND ITMAKES ME COOL ! OH REALLY ? DO YOU THINK LUNG CANCERIS COOL, TOO ? WHAT ABOUT EMPHYSEMA,IS THAT COOL ? AND WHAT ABOUTABORTION AND AIDS ?! THAT'S NONES THE COOL ! WORD ! YEAH, SO BUTT OUT ! ♪ BUTT OUTYEAH, YEAH ♪ ♪ GIVE THAT CIGARETTE BUTTA THROW... ♪ AGH, JESUS CHRIST ! ♪ SMOKING'S GOT TO GO ♪ REMEMBER KIDS,IF YOU SMOKE, YOU COULD GROW UPTO BE A FAILURE. WORSE YET, YOU COULDGROW UP TO BE DEAD ! SO DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THOSE EVIL TOBACCOCOMPANIES TELL YOU ! YEAH ! BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T SMOKEYOU CAN GROW UP TO BE-- JUST LIKE US !!

HERE, HERE, GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE,GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE. OH DUDE,THIS IS REALLY HARD. OH ( bleep ),HERE COMES MR. MACKEY ! THROW 'EM AWAY ! ( coughing ) DUDE, HERE HE COMES. WE GOTTA STOPCOUGHING ! BOYS, WHAT ARE YOUDOING BACK HERE ? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION. WHAT ARE YOU DOINGBACK HERE, M'KAY ? NUBBI. WHAT ? NUBBI-- NOB--NUBB-- AHH, SICK ! GROSS, DUDE ! WELL HEY, IF I DIDN'TKNOW ANY BETTER I'D THINK YOU BOYSHAD BEEN SMOKING ! NO. NO, MR. MACKEY, WE DON'THAVE ANY CIGARETTES. WELL, YOU BETTER NOT BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING ABOUT SMOKING. UH, SMOKING'S BAD, M'KAY. AND IF YOU START SMOKINGAT AN EARLY AGE, M'KAY, IT'S GONNA BE BAD, M'KAY ? BECAUSE SMOKINGCAN LEAD TO ALL KINDS OF HEALTH PROBLEMSLIKE CANCER, M'KAY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHINGABOUT CANCER. UH, CANCER'S BAD, M'KAY. AND, UH--WHAT, WHAT THE ? HOLY ( bleep ), M'KAY ! ( fire alarmringing ) AGH, JESUS CHRIST ! WHOOPS. WELL, YOU BOYS HAVE CERTAINLYDONE IT THIS TIME ! ( singsongy )WE'RE SOR-RY. NOT AS SORRY ASYOU'RE GOING TO BE WHEN YOUR PARENTSGET HERE. AH, HERE THEY COME NOW. OH, GOD. ( knocking ) COME ON IN ! STANLEY, WHAT DID YOU DOTHIS TIME ?! YOU BETTER BRACEYOURSELVES, PARENTS. THE BOYS WERE CAUGHT...SMOKING. SMOKING ?! NO !IT CAN'T BE ! MY SON IS NOTA FILTHY SMOKER ! MOM... DAD, IT WAS JUST-- I DON'T HAVE A SON ! ERIC ! YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF HORRIBLETHINGS IN YOUR LIFE, BUT SMOKING ? YOU ARE GROUNDEDFOR THREE WEEKS ! THREE WEEKS ?! ARE YOU ( bleeping )KIDDING ME ?! HAVEN'T YOU BOYS HEARDANYTHING ABOUT HOW HARMFUL SMOKING IS TO YOUAND THOSE AROUND YOU ? OF COURSE THEY HAVEN'T BECAUSE THE TOBACCO COMPANIESHAVE GOTTEN TO THEM FIRST ! THIS IS REALLY THEIR FAULT ! YEAH, THIS IS REALLYTHEIR FAULT ! NO MATTER HOW MUCH MONEYTHE ANTI-SMOKING GROUPS SPEND THE TOBACCO COMPANIES ARE THERETO FILL OUR CHILDREN'S HEADS WITH LIES AND PROPAGANDATHAT MAKE THEM WANT TO SMOKE. YEAH, HUH ?! IT'S LIKE THE TOBACCO COMPANIESHAVE CONTROL OF MY MIND. NO, MUST FIGHT IT-- TOBACCO COMPANIES MAKING MEWANT TO SMOKE-- AGH ! OH MY GOODNESS,I HAD NO IDEA ! ARE YOU OKAY,SWEETIE ? WELL, THOSE GODDAMNTOBACCO COMPANIES AREN'T GONNA HAVECONTROL OVER MY KID ! I SAY WEBRING THEM DOWN ! WE NEED THE HELPOF THE GREATEST ANTI-SMOKING CELEBRITYTHAT EVER LIVED ! ROB REINER. WHO'S ROB REINER ?

ALL RIGHT, BOYS,JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU, AND WE'LL BE ABLE TO SUETHIS TOBACCO COMPANY FOR $2 BILLION ! AS SOON AS WE GET INTOTHE MAIN FACILITY I'LL SNAP THE PHOTOOF YOU KIDS AND WE CAN ALLRUN OUT. THINK YOU CANHANDLE IT ? HANDLE IT ? FOR $2 BILLION I'D HANDLEMY GRANDPA'S BALLS, SIR. ALL RIGHT, GREAT. OKAY, NOW WATCHYOURSELVES, KIDS. THESE TOBACCO COMPANY PEOPLEWILL DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU HOOKEDON SMOKING. THEY ARE LIARSAND THEY ARE FRAUDS ! CAN I HELP YOU ? YES, MY NAME ISRITA POON, I CALLED ABOUT MY BOYSWANTING A TOUR. AH YES, MRS. POON. MY NAME'SKEVIN HARRIS AND I'M THE VICE PRESIDENTOF BIG TOBACCO. HELLO, MR. HARRIS. WELL, COME ON IN ! HOW ABOUT A LITTLEHISTORY FIRST ? NATIVE AMERICANS WERE THE FIRSTTO CULTIVATE THE TOBACCO PLANT. THEY SMOKED IT IN PIPES FOR MEDICINAL ANDCEREMONIAL PURPOSES. NOT IF I WERE AROUNDTHEY WOULDN'T HAVE ! EXCUSE ME ? OH, NOTHING !PLEASE CONTINUE ! THE FIRST SUCCESSFULCOMMERCIAL CROP OF TOBACCO WAS CULTIVATEDIN VIRGINIA IN 1612. WITHIN SEVEN YEARSIT WAS ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LARGEST EXPORTS ! SO, TOBACCO HELPEDTO BUILD AMERICA. THAT'S RIGHT. OVER THE NEXT FEW CENTURIES, THE TOBACCO BUSINESSWAS SO GREAT THAT MANY SLAVES WEREBROUGHT FROM AFRICA TO HELP WORK THE FIELDS. WHICH MEANS IF ITWEREN'T FOR TOBACCO MANY OF OUR BLACK FRIENDSWOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY. AND SO FOR CENTURIES, TOBACCOPRODUCTION FLOURISHED. NOBODY WAS EVEN AWAREOF ANY DANGERS BACK THEN, UNTIL, IN 1965, WHENCONGRESS PASSED AN ACT FORCING ALL TOBACCO COMPANIES TO PUT THE SURGEON GENERAL'SWARNING ON THEIR PACKAGES. SO NOW, EVERYONE KNOWSTHE DANGERS OF SMOKING. AND SOME PEOPLESTILL CHOOSE TO DO IT, AND WE BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT BEINGAN AMERICAN IS ALL ABOUT. THAT SOUNDS PERFECTLYREASONABLE. AND HERE'S OURFACTORY AT WORK ! ♪ WITH AHIDE-E-LI-DE-E-LIE ♪ ♪ AND A HIDE-E-LIE-DE-LAY ♪ WE WORK AND WEMAKE CIGARETTES ♪ ♪ ALL HIDE-E-LIDE-E-DAY ♪ SO FOLKS CAN GETA BREAK-E ♪ ♪ FROM THEIR STRESSFULLIDE-LIVES ♪ ♪ AND RELAX-YWITH THE CIGARETTES ♪ ♪ WE MAKE ALL DAYAND NIGHT ♪ ♪ I LIKE TO HAVE A CIGARETTEEVERY NOW AND THEN ♪ ♪ IT MAKES ME FEEL CALMERWHEN THE DAY IS AT AN END ♪ ♪ AND IF IT GIVES ME CANCERWHEN I'M 80 I DON'T CARE ♪ ♪ WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BE90 ANYWAY ? ♪ ♪ SO WITH AHIDE-ALIE-DE-LIE ♪ ♪ AND A HIDE-E-LIE-DE-LAY ♪ WE WORK AND WEMAKE CIGARETTES ♪ ♪ ALL HIDE-E-LIDE-E-DAY ♪ SO FOLKS CAN GETA BREAK-E ♪ ♪ FROM THEIR STRESSFULLIDE-LIVES ♪ ♪ AND RELAX-YWITH THE CIGARETTES ♪ ♪ WE MAKE ALL DAYAND NIGHT ♪♪ WELL, I GUESS THAT'STHE END OF OUR TOUR ! OH, HERE, BOYS,LET ME GET YOUR PICTURE. GOT IT ! HA ! YOU BASTARDSARE GOING DOWN NOW ! WHAT ? I'M NOT RITA POON,I'M ROB REINER ! AND YOU'VE JUST BEENREINER'D ! COME ON, BOYS,LET'S MAKE OUR ESCAPE ! DON'T YOU TRYAND STOP US ! ( screaming ) OH MY GOD !

I PUSHED A LAW FORHIGHER TAXES ON CIGARETTES, I LOBBY TO GET IMAGESOF CIGARETTES REMOVED FROM MOVIES AND ART, I FORCE SMOKERSOUT OF BARS AND PARKS-- BUT STILL I GET LETTERSFROM PARENTS SAYING THEIR KIDSARE DOING IT ! APPARENTLY, PEOPLESTILL DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW BAD SMOKING ISFOR THEM ! DON'T THEY KNOW HOW DANGEROUSIT IS TO THEIR HEALTH ?! DON'T THEY KNOW THE HAZARDOF SECONDHAND SMOKE ?! ACCORDING TOTHE LETTER, SIR, THE TOWN HAS A TOBACCOCOMPANY QUITE NEAR THEM. YEAH, THAT MUST BE IT ! THE TOBACCO COMPANIES WITHTHEIR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND THEIR SLICK DESKSAND FANCY BUILDINGS ! THEY'RE THE ONES MAKINGCHILDREN WANT TO SMOKE. THEY'RE THE ONES HURTINGOUR NATION'S HEALTH ! I WILL NOT STAND BY ANDSEE THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA CORRUPTED BYTHOSE BASTARDS ! THIS IS WAR !

YOU GUYS, MAYBE WE SHOULDCOME CLEAN RIGHT NOW AND TELL EVERYONE THAT ITWASN'T THE TOBACCO COMPANIES THAT MADE USWANT TO SMOKE. WHAT ? WHY ?IT'S PERFECT ! IF EVERYONE'S BLAMINGTHE TOBACCO COMPANIES, THEN NOBODY'SBLAMING US ! YEAH, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ? IT'S JUST THAT-- THIS SEEMS LIKE ANOTHERONE OF THOSE TIMES WHEN THINGS ARE GONNA GETWAY OUT OF HAND, YOU KNOW ? IT'S BEEN HAPPENINGA LOT LATELY. HOW ABOUT THIS TIME WE JUSTPUT A STOP TO IT RIGHT NOW ? DUMBASS,YOU DON'T WANT TO BE GROUNDED FORTHREE WEEKS, DO YOU ? YEAH, DON'T WORRY, DUDE, THINGS AREN'T GONNAGET OUT OF HAND. HERE HE COMES ! DAMMIT. ( straining ) BUTTER !BUTTER ! WHAT'D HE SAY ? BUTTER ! ( crowd cheering ) ( panting ) HELLO, SOUTH PARK ! IT IS SO NICE TO SEEAN ENTIRE TOWN COME TOGETHER TO FIGHT FOR GOOD HEALTH ! AND I'M GONNAHELP YOU ! THESE POOR,INNOCENT CHILDREN HAVE BEEN SEDUCED INTOSMOKING TOBACCO. SO I SAY, WE FIGHT FIREWITH FIRE ! WE'RE GONNA USETHESE CHILDREN TO BRING THE TOBACCOCOMPANY DOWN ! OH, NO.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, HERE'SWHAT WE'RE GONNA DO. WE'RE GONNA SNEAK YOUINTO THE TOBACCO COMPANY BY SAYING YOU KIDS WANTA TOUR FOR A SCHOOL PAPER. ONCE YOU'RE INSIDE,I'M GONNA TAKE PHOTOS AND THEN WE'LL PUBLISH THEM,SAYING THE TOBACCO COMPANY INVITED YOU OVER TOSEDUCE YOU INTO SMOKING ! GOT IT ?! GOT IT ! BUT-- ISN'T THATKIND OF LYING ? WE'RE JUST LEVELING OUTTHE PLAYING FIELD. THE TOBACCO COMPANIESLIE TO YOU ABOUT THE DANGERSOF SMOKING. IF WE'RE GONNATAKE THEM DOWN WE'VE GOTTA LIERIGHT BACK ! ( sniffing ) OH MY GOD ! ( coughs ) ( coughs louder ) EXCUSE ME ! YES ? WOULD YOU MIND PUTTINGTHAT DEATH STICK OUT ?! BUT, UH, THIS IS A BAR. ISN'T SMOKING ILLEGALIN BARS HERE ? NOT IN COLORADO. OH MY GOD ! WHAT KIND OF BACKWARD,HICK STATE IS THIS ?! LOOK, MAN, I WORK 14 HOURSA DAY AT THE SAW MILL. I JUST GOT OFF WORKAND I NEED TO RELAX. WELL, WHEN I RELAX, I JUST GO TO MYVACATION HOUSE IN HAWAII ! I AIN'T GOT AVACATION HOUSE IN HAWAII. YOUR VACATION HOUSEIN MEXICO THEN, WHATEVER IT IS ! LOOK, YOU ARE PUTTING MY LIFEAND THESE BOYS' LIVES IN DANGER BY SMOKING THAT IN HERE. AND I AM NOT GONNATOLERATE IT ! I WILL END SMOKINGIN BARS IN COLORADO ! THERE WILL BENO MORE SMOKING ! ISN'T HE AWESOME,YOU GUYS ? WHAT ?! DUDE, HE JUST GOES AROUNDIMPOSING HIS WILL ON PEOPLE. HE'S MY IDOL.

( Kyle )THOSE PEOPLE ATTHE TOBACCO COMPANY ALL SEEM REALLY NICE. YEAH, YOU SEE THAT ? THEY GOT INTOYOUR HEAD ! NOW YOU KIDS CAN MEET SOMEGOOD DECENT PEOPLE, THE FOLKS WHO WORKTO GET SMOKING BANNED ! ( growling ) ( hissing ) THIS IS HOW WE GETRID OF SMOKERS ! WE GO STATE TO STATE AND DOTHINGS LIKE USE BOGUS STUDIES AND MAKE EXPENSIVECOMMERCIALS TO GET THE PUBLICON OUR SIDE AND FORCE CIGARETTESMOKERS TO STOP ! WOW, IT'S LIKE, IT'S LIKESMOKING BRINGS A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF JOY AND YOU GET TO TAKE THATAWAY FROM THEM. YOU ARE SO AWESOME. HERE YOU GO, BOB. THIS ISMR. VALKRI, HE DOES ALLOUR PHOTOSHOP WORK. NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DOIS PHOTOSHOP CIGARETTES INTO YOUR HANDS,AND BINGO ! WHEN THIS HITS THE PAPERS THETOBACCO COMPANY IS SCREWED ! HA HA HA HA ! HA HA HA HA ! BUT DUDE--YOU'RE MAKING STUFF UP. YOU KIDS NEED TO UNDERSTANDSOMETHING, OKAY ? SOMETIMES LYING IS OKAY, LIKE WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOODFOR PEOPLE MORE THAN THEY DO. OH MY GOD, THAT IS EXACTLYWHAT I'VE ALWAYS SAID. I LOVE THIS GUY ! MR. REINER, YOUR BILLTO HAVE SMOKING OUTLAWED IN BARS HEREDIDN'T PASS. WHAT ?! GOD DAMMIT, WHATTHE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLEIN THIS STATE ?! APPARENTLY, SEVERAL PEOPLEHERE STILL BELIEVE THERE'S NO PROOF SECONDHANDSMOKE CAN KILL YOU. THEY WANT PROOF ?! ALL RIGHT,WE'LL GIVE THEM PROOF ! BOYS, I NEED ONE OF YOU TO ACTIN A COMMERCIAL FOR US ! WE'LL SHOOT IT TOMORROW ! WOW, A COMMERCIAL ?! YOU BOYS DECIDEWHICH ONE OF YOU WOULD BE BESTFOR THE PART. ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, WE GOTTAGET MOVING ON THE BILL TO BAN SMOKINGIN PARKS HERE ! LET'S GO ! GOD, HE'S JUST THE BEST ! MR. REINER !CAN I GET YOU A MUFFIN ? OR A COLD DRINK PERHAPS ? YOU GUYS, I THINK WE SHOULDBAIL OUT OF THIS RIGHT NOW. HUH ? I JUST KNOW WHERETHIS IS HEADING- IT'S GONNA END UPWITH THE WHOLE TOWN TAKING THIS TOO FAR AND US HAVING TO TALKABOUT "WHAT WE LEARNED" TO CHANGE EVERYONE'S MIND, AND I SAY WE JUSTSTOP RIGHT NOW AND GO PLAYCARDS OR SOMETHING. YUP, I TOTALLY AGREE. YEAH, MAYBEYOU'RE RIGHT. SO, GENTLEMEN, LOOKSLIKE ONLY ONE OF US GETS TO BE INTHE COMMERCIAL, HUH ? WHO WILL IT BE... ? GENTLEMEN,THE GAME IS ON ! GO AHEAD. WE DON'T WANT TO BE INTHEIR STUPID COMMERCIAL. HUH ? OH, I GET IT, KYLE. THAT'S YOUR SERBIAN JEWDOUBLE BLUFF-- MAKE ME THINK YOU DON'T CAREABOUT BEING IN THE COMMERCIAL SO THAT MAYBEI WON'T EITHER. OOPS, DIDN'T WORK,DID IT, KYLE ? NO, WE REALLY WANT NOTHING MORETO DO WITH THESE PEOPLE. SURE YOU DON'T, KYLE. OH, AND NEITHER DO I. I KNOW WHAT YOU'REGONNA SAY NEXT. YOU'RE GONNA SAY,"HOW ABOUT NONE OF US SHOW UP TOMORROWTO DO IT ?" AND THEN I'M SUPPOSED TOAGREE, SO THAT TOMORROW YOU CAN WALTZ INALL BY YOURSELF AND DO THE COMMERCIAL. THAT'S SERBIAN JEWDOUBLE BLUFF, AND IT AIN'TGONNA WORK ON ME. HEH HEH HEH. ONLY ONE OF US CAN BE INTHE COMMERCIAL, GENTLEMEN. THE GAME-- IS ON.

SORRY, KYLE, BUT I'M AFRAIDONLY ONE OF US WILL BE SHOWING UP TO DO THECOMMERCIAL TOMORROW, HA HA HA ! THOUGHT YOU HAD ME WITH YOUR SERBIAN JEWDOUBLE BLUFF, DIDN'T YOU ? WELL, LET'S SEE YOU TRY TOOPEN THIS DOOR NOW ! ( laughing ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? OH. HELLO, KYLE. OH MAN, WAIT--THIS ISN'T MY HOUSE. CARTMAN, YOU GO AHEAD ANDDO THE COMMERCIAL TOMORROW. BUT I'M WARNING YOU:THOSE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE ARE LIARSAND THEY'RE BULLIES WHO WILL STOP AT NOTHINGTO GET WHAT THEY WANT, AND THAT MEANSTHEY'RE DANGEROUS. HA HA HA HA ! NICE TRY, KYLE ! LET'S SEE YOU TRY TO GETTHROUGH THIS DOOR NOW ! HA HA HA HA !

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS JUSTREAD THE WORDS ON THE TELEPROMPTER, HERE. ( laughing )OKAY ! LET'S SEE HOW THE TOBACCOCOMPANIES DEAL WITH THIS ! ALL RIGHT,ROLL CAMERA ! ROLL THE TELEPROMPTER. AND WHENEVERYOU'RE READY, ERIC. ( giggling )OKAY, OKAY. ( takes a deep breath ) YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAYTHERE'S NO PROOF THAT SECONDHAND SMOKE KILLS. THE TOBACCO COMPANIES SAYTHERE'S NO PROOF THAT SECONDHAND SMOKEKILLS. I'VE JUST BEEN DIAGNOSEDWITH TERMINAL LUNG CANCER. I GUESS...I'M THE PROOF. THE NEXT TIMEYOU WANT TO BELIEVE THAT SECONDHAND SMOKEDOESN'T KILL, THINK ABOUT ME. BECAUSE BY THE TIMEYOU SEE THIS COMMERCIAL I'LL BE DEAD. DEAD ? AND CUT ! GREAT, WE GOT IT ! WRAP UP, PEOPLE,THAT WAS FANTASTIC ! WHAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,I'LL BE DEAD ? HEY, WHAT WAS THATDEAD PART ? THAT WAS VERY GOOD,ERIC. HERE, EAT THIS CUPCAKE. UH... NO THANKS,I'M NOT HUNGRY. BUT YOU ARE. JUST EAT THIS ONECUPCAKE. IT HAS SPRINKLES. I'M NOT EATINGTHE CUPCAKE. ERIC, DO YOU KNOW WHATA HERO IS ? A HERO IS SOMEBODYWHO SACRIFICES HIMSELF FOR THE GOOD OF OTHERS. YOU CAN BEA HERO, ERIC. ALL YOU HAVE TO DOIS EAT THE CUPCAKE. JESUS CHRIST ! HEY ! ( panting )

WHAT ARE YOUDOING, CARTMAN ? THEY'RE GOING TOKILL ME ! WHO'S GOING TOKILL YOU ? THE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE ! THEY HAD ME SAY I DIEDFROM SECONDHAND SMOKE AND NOW THEY WANT TO SACRIFICEME TO MAKE IT LOOK REAL ! THEY'LL STOP AT NOTHING ! WELL, GET AWAYFROM US THEN ! YEAH, DUDE, DON'TGET US KILLED TOO ! YOU GUYS HAVE TOHELP ME ! NO, DUDE, GET AWAY ! PLEASE YOU GUYS, I DON'TKNOW WHAT TO DO ! STOP IT, CARTMAN,GO DIE ON YOUR OWN ! IF I GO, YOU GUYS GO ! DAD ! WHAT ? THE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE ARETRYING TO KILL CARTMAN AND HE WON'TSTAY AWAY FROM US ! DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, BOYS. THE ANTI-SMOKING PEOPLE AREKIND, CARING AND INTELLIGENT. YOUR HEADS HAVE JUSTBEEN CORRUPTED BY THE LIES OF THEBIG TOBACCO COMPANIES. HEY, MAYBE THAT'S IT,YOU GUYS. MAYBE THE TOBACCO COMPANYCAN HELP US ! HELP YOU, FATASS ! WE WEREN'T IN THECOMMERCIAL, REMEMBER ? YEAH, GO TO THETOBACCO COMPANY YOURSELF. WELL, THAT'S FINE ! I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE MYFRIENDS BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG. YEAH, DUDE, YOU WERETOTALLY WRONG. UH-HUH. YOU GUYS, I AM SERIOUSLYGETTING PISSED OFF NOW ! NOW COME ON, WE'RE GOING TOTHE TOBACCO COMPANY ! OH, ALL RIGHT ! NO ! WHAT WE REALLY SHOULD DO ISGO TO OUR PARENTS RIGHT NOW AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITYFOR SMOKING OURSELVES. EVEN IF IT MEANSGETTING GROUNDED. WHY ? BECAUSE, IF WE GO TOTHE TOBACCO COMPANY I KNOW EXACTLYWHAT'LL HAPPEN ! THEY'LL TAKE US IN, AND THEN ROB REINERWILL SHOW UP WITH ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLEHOLDING TORCHES OR SOMETHING AND THERE'LL BEA BIG SHOWDOWN UNTIL WE TALK ABOUTWHAT WE LEARNED AND CHANGEEVERYONE'S MINDS. THIS IS ALL FOLLOWINGA FORMULA ! SO IT'S EITHERDEAL WITH ALL THAT OR BE GROUNDEDFOR THREE WEEKS.