Words can cut, like knives slicing open wounds. For transgender folk, loaded lingo has long made us feel unseen and unwelcome. Now there’s a growing acceptance that we all need to stop using words that reduce trans people to their clothing (“transvestite”) or their genitals (“transsexual”), or that are plain offensive (“tr-nny”).

But words can also be like thread and pull us closer together. So what should a non-trans person say and know? This timely guide can help you master pronouns and avoid trampling on trans people’s privacy and feelings. Let’s do this!