True Blood Whatever I Am, You Made Me Season 5 Episode 3 « Previous Next » Photo: John P. Johnson/HBO

Hello, and welcome to this week’s edition of the not-at-all-patented “True Blood Bonkers Index.” This episode is titled”Whatever I Am, You Made Me,” à la the Nina Simone tune of the same name. I feel like a lot of us would like to be a fly on the wall were it possible to see Nina Simone react to this episode, maybe in her later years, maybe after a couple of bottles of wine. I don’t know, just saying.

This week, Bill and Eric struck a deal with the Authority. Alcide found out that Sookie murdered his girlfriend and was kind of okay with it. Tara tried to kill herself, albeit unsuccessfully. Bill tried to tell her that it’s a natural urge, probably because we’re only watching the muffin batter full body makeup on the show, and he’s living it.

There was a lot of plot in which not a whole bunch happened, as is custom, and the usual smattering of “Okay, True Blood moments.” Many jokes were made at the expense of iPhones, texting, and Facebook, so in some small, nice way, it’s like Andy Rooney never met the “true death.” Here’s our rundown of what we found ludicrous in this visit to Bon Temps, ordered from least to most ridiculous.

Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs

Hah. Remember when Sookie read Sam’s thoughts and he said what we were all thinking? This was actually the most believable part of the episode, or any episode, for me.

Lafayette’s Demon

Nothing says evil like sabotaging somebody’s soup. Who wears this look better, do you think? The Brujo monster, or Howie Mandel in Little Monsters? It’s the same makeup, right? Am I right? It’s a real Minka Kelly–Leighton Meester kind of thing.

Sookie’s HADOUKEN! Powers

Always reminds me of that “invisible ball” dance people used to do at raves. What cruel irony to assault people with PLUR. I apologize sincerely for typing that.

Tina Majorino Making an “There’s an App for That” Joke

Okay, television show airing in the year 2012. Wish my least cool uncle had told me he was on staff now.

Facebook Jokes

See above.

The Noise That Pam’s Super-Fast Texting Makes

I type pretty fast, you guys, but I don’t think my hands have ever made anything approaching “slapstick nunchakus” sound.

The Stake Belt

What if those money belts you’re supposed to wear to Europe to keep from being robbed by gypsies could stab you? And now you know. P.S. Hey, writer of this episode: I saw Battle Royale, too.

Bill Goes Down on a Hooker

I guess technically he was feeding on her. But how great would it have been if she gave him the whole, “You can stop now” head tap?

Old-Timey San Francisco Whore House

I do not find these flashbacks very plausible, because where oh where is the nervous mustachioed dude banging out “The Entertainer” on a player piano? Also, just because you CAN make a flexible Asian prostitute joke doesn’t mean you should, HBO. That was a real “Gwyneth Paltrow saying the N-word moment” for me.

Salome

Whenever they bring up the Vampire Bible I try to imagine the conversation in the writers’ room. “Oh, and she’s Salome, and she killed John the Baptist because she had an abusive stepfather.” And everybody went, “Great! Perfect. Write that down. So, KooKooRoo for lunch?”

Jason’s Sex Addict Origin Story

Yes, clearly Jason has so much sex because he learned to fill some kind of internal void after being statched by a teacher, who is, at second glance, not Rebecca DeMornay. I don’t need to know why Jason has so much sex, television show. Jason has lots of sex because he is very attractive, and he is on an HBO television program. Keep your 1994 pop psychology out of my nudie vampire show.

Tara: Still Wearing That Blood-Soaked Jean Jacket

I don’t know about you guys, but when I have a little mustard smear on something, I have to wipe it off. I guess being covered in my own gore would probably bother me a little.

Askars Puts Forth Effort to Get Sex

Right.

Jason Stackhouse Buying “Sweet” Pickles

Sweetened with sugar? DOUBLE right.

Andy’s Butt

Not over it!

Salome and Roman’s Sloppy Thirds

Did anyone else shout, “NO! Take a shower!” here? Gross!

Jessica’s IRL Blind Boyfriend Whom She Met on a Dating Site

I read this week that Deborah Ann Woll’s boyfriend is a blind comic-book nerd she met on Match.com. This is not technically a True Blood event, but can you guys believe that? What? Okay. I’m sorry.

The Fact That There Is STILL No Sobe–True-Blood Tie-In Despite the Fact That the Bottles Look Exactly the Same

As long as we’re talking about real life.

Okay, my fairies. Rest your head-shaking and forehead-slapping muscles until next week.