• Protesters who complain that President Trump is hiding his tax returns from the American people are wrong. He is not hiding them. They are readily available to any child who hunts carefully enough, concealed inside an egg that has been camouflaged somewhere on the White House grounds!

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• This also goes for the White House visitor logs. And the waivers for lobbyists in the Trump administration! If the public does not have access to them, it is because these children are not clever enough.

• Fabergé eggs were NOT initially considered but rejected as too Russian-seeming. This is a baseless rumor, just as everything to do with Russia is.

• The rumor that one of the eggs issued in the roll contains Steve Bannon’s soul — and if it cracks, he will vanish as if he had never been here — is also just a rumor.

• The White House Easter Egg Roll is a tradition that started with Rutherford B. Hayes and is still going for some reason. (Maybe someone with a very particular set of interests realized there was no other way to get photos of every president standing next to a terrifying giant rabbit?) This is one of the many things that make people think that being president must be an easy task for simple, jolly folk who enjoy reading books to children and looking on with glee as youngsters roll eggs across a lawn. Perhaps it was one of these photo ops that convinced Trump that he was temperamentally suited to this job.

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• This is one of our most normal national traditions.

• There was also another Egg Festivity at Mar-a-Lago before, where children wise enough to be born into wealth received eggs with (I guess?) health care and verbal encouragement in them, but it was not open to the press, unfortunately, so these are just guesses.

SEAN SPICER, CONTRARY TO CUSTOM, IS NOT INSIDE A GIANT RABBIT THIS YEAR

NO, GRAB IT! THIS ONE HAS THE TAX RETURNS IN IT!

IS THIS AN EXECUTIVE ORDER OR A CHILD’S RUDIMENTARY DRAWING OF A RABBIT? HONESTLY, I’M NOT SURE. BETTER HOLD IT UP!