That noxious scent separating me from my daughters was my manhood, bursting with ego, and rotting with decay from an unknowable distance between us. I learned that the rules of masculinity once protecting me from a violent world, also kept me from healthy relationships with them. How much more would I sacrifice?

– Alix Jules

Feelings suck when you’re a guy. Discovering so many emotional germs floating around inside you is traumatic. These huggie, touchie, know your inner child, blah, blah, “emotions” can sometimes overwhelm. Growing up in Brooklyn, a “safe space” was a gun free zone and sensitivity was a punch line. My music was laced with language reinforcing bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, faux bravado, and black female disposability. All really bad ideas. And although those attitudes served me well on the streets, that’s not what I wanted to impart on my children. I needed to shift from “preservation of self to the proliferation of selflessness.”

Parenting changes you, and the father-daughter dynamic is stuff of inappropriate Greek legend. One son and four daughters later, I think I’ve learned a few things about manhood and what we define as masculinity. You think you’ve got it handled, until you’re taken down several notches by a three year old. My reassessment came early, when my eldest daughter hit me with my first “daddy.” My entire identity was undone. Every one of my “hit like a girl” comments, came right back at me. It’s taken me a long time to shed some of that toxicity, and yes, I still struggle. So, after 21 years of parenting, 18 of which with daughters, these are just a few lessons they’ve taught me.

1. Emotions are NOT the New Gluten

Guys, no matter what popular culture tells us, we are not all allergic to emotions. You’re going to feel stuff, and you’re not going to know what to do about. Realize that the strong sensation of being pepper sprayed you get on occasion is from the upper tear ducts trying to eek something out.

Its ok to cry, often, and for many reasons. Let your daughters see you cry. Your child is not your crutch, but they can be emotionally supportive. I recall my own incredible sadness at my grandmother’s funeral. The emptiness was consuming. If I believed in souls, I’d say I lost part of mine that day. Yet, the reassurance from my youngest, “Dad, it’ll be ok,” went further than anyone else’s consolation. We may feel things differently, but we’re not so different that we don’t feel things at all. Little boys start with Mad, Sad, and Glad. Throw in jealousy and that sometimes appears to be the extent of our emotional education. When we seclude ourselves from the rest of our emotions, we deprive ourselves, and our children, from many rich learned and future experiences. Don’t be afraid to open up. And instead of that side hug or fist bump, grunt and give your bestie a bear hug and let your kids see it.

#Feelthe-Feels

2. Don’t be a Knight, but help Her find her Armor

Watching your kids struggle is hard, but its where learning happens. The desire to save the day, being that primal patriarchal protectorate, is normal. Daddy to the rescue and Damsels in Distress allows vulnerability and are reinforced in society, but it also teaches children how to be saved. I want independent problem solving, freethinking, empathetic dragon slayers that save themselves. When necessary, save others. Daddy’s not going to be there all the time and being a hero takes practice. I’ll give you an example. After years of trying, my four year old got through her holiday performance last year. It was in front of dozens of people. Every year prior, we’d find ourselves in tears, reaching out for each other through a sea of incorrectly positioned smartphones. It took everything I had not to leap onto the stage, swooping to save the day: (look at that face, I was crushed): She eventually made it onto the front line, dancing, singing, and even encouraging other kids to join. Our old feelings of pain, shared embarrassment, and that strange feeling of being pepper sprayed aside, she did it. My hero.

I’ll caution, that sometimes we go overboard, expecting children to work through problems that many adults can’t solve without assistance. On occasion, though they get lucky or really creative, sometimes stepping in is appropriate. Just remember to preserve the child’s voice.

#Theyowntheprocess

3. She said NO! ‘Respek it’!