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The Romanian and Bulgarian ambassadors to Britain have been summoned to Downing street for urgent talks this morning following the complete absence of the stampede of immigrants expected on New Years day. Prime Minister David Cameron explained “We were supposed to wake up on New years day to find them all camping on roundabouts and mugging pensioners. Looks like they’ve all gone to France or Spain instead. Or even worse stayed at home. How dare they not come here and piss on our sanctimonious bonfire like that.”

The lack of expected mass immigration, which has caused both the Daily Mail and Daily Express to have blank covers this morning, is thought likely to result in legal action. A spokesman for both papers explained “We rely on immigration so we can make a living demonising it. So we want compensation for them not coming over here and they’re going to have to pay up. And if they need to come over here to work or claim benefits in order to raise the money to do that then so be it. And then we won’t rest until they’ve left.”

One disappointed British citizen told us “I haven’t worked for years. I was hoping I could put this down to an army of eastern European immigrants coming to take all our jobs or claim all our benefits or something. In the clear absence of such an influx I am being forced to finally admit to myself that the reason that I am not in gainful employment is because I’m a bit lazy. So I’m joining the English Defence League instead where I can convince myself that it’s not me being lazy or at fault in any way, it’s Muslims.”