First off, you should know that I love all mascots. Secondly, you should know that I hate being mean. However, I take my job at RimShot very seriously, so when the time came to rank them all best to worst, I unfortunately had to put a few on blast.

Here it is: An exhaustive ranking of all 8 NBL Canada Mascots.

1. Lil’ Rip

Lil’ Rip has it all. The look, the walk, the moves, the presence. He’s the total package. He has a big funny head with cool blue and white hair, spiked to make it look like he is always going fast. His arms are big and muscular, he looks powerful but has a reassuring smile. He also wears a mysterious yellow cape. Is he a superhero? No one knows for sure. It’s all part of his charm and the reason that you can always feel safe around him.

He roams his home of Harbour Station with one objective in mind: to get the people going. He expertly moves from side to side, hopping over chairs, sliding down the guard rails. One minute he’s in section N, the next he’s in section A. His movement is fluid, almost strategic. No matter where you sit, you’re sure to get a visit from Lil’ Rip. I also have it under good authority that he is always willing to take pictures with the fans…

My selfie with Lil’ Rip and my mom

2. Dunkin The River Lion

Dunkin the River Lion is another great mascot. Let’s start with his look. A big, classic lion who wears a jersey and has a funky blue and green mane? That’s pretty nice. He is essentially the River Lions logo brought to life in a simple, yet effective way.

Dunkin is the kind of mascot that keeps the energy up. He is always bopping around, waving, dancing and strutting. He walks with purpose, like he knows what he is doing at all times. He’s also great at reading the flow of a game. When he sees a stoppage in play, he’s not afraid to jump into the spotlight, and I like that. He also has his own Twitter. Lil’ Rip may be king, but Dunkin the River Lion isn’t far from the crown.

3. Titus the Titan

Titus the Titan is another mascot that has a simple and effective look. He has a cool blue helmet, a sharp blue cutoff, big blue boots and a super chiseled bod. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “that sounds like a pretty fine looking mascot right there.” You’re right, but you are also wrong. There is something off about Titus the Titan. Something unsettling. It’s his facial expression. He looks both smug AND cocky. He looks like he doesn’t care about me. It seems like this is just a job for him, like the team doesn’t matter. It seems like he’s all about the M.O.N.E.Y, no heart. I feel like he is closed off. Like he wouldn’t want me to get to know the real Titus. Are you hiding something Titus the Titan? Are you dangerous?

It’s pretty clear that not everyone agrees with me, as he really does seem to be quite a crowd pleaser. In fact, when doing research for this piece, it was actually hard to find any pictures of Titus by himself. Everywhere I looked I saw him standing tall, striking poses with fans of all ages. I’m impressed that despite the Titan’s hard season, Titus is still out there networking. He has become a beacon of light for the frustrated fans. The effort he is putting forth in this dark time has landed him a secure 3rd place.

4. Dunkin the Dragon

Dunkin. Hmmmm. Dunkin… that sounds… familiar.

When Dunkin the Dragon came into the league, there were only 7 other NBLC team mascots and one of them was ALREADY NAMED DUNKIN.

There are a lot of different names in the world. If you really think about it, there is an endless supply. You can name a mascot anything. I’ll think of a different name for Dunkin right now. Jim. Jim The Dragon. Honestly not bad. Let’s get experimental. How about Potato? Potato the Dragon. Could be worse!

How about this one: Houdini. Houdini The Dragon, mascot of the Moncton MAGIC. I understand that my biggest problem with Dunkin isn’t really his fault, and although that might not seem fair, when you agree to wear the suit you embody the being. Therefore, the inexplicable decision to use the name of another team’s mascot in the same league is partially on Dunkin. I’m sorry Dunkin.

Other than the name, Dunkin The Dragon is actually a pretty great mascot. He’s a big, green, fuzzy Dragon with rainbow horns, bright orange hair and little purple wings. His look is complete, and in this league it is very unique. He also seems to be making a decent splash with the fans in Moncton, attending a handful of community events and starring in lots of photos. Dunkin the Dragon has the look and skillset to grow into one of the best mascots in the league, but for now he’s just the other Dunkin.

5. Stormy McLoud

Stormy McLoud is more monster than he is man. Now don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the effort that was put into his concept and costume. Most mascots end up being either an animal, or a human. For instance, a team may be named something like “The Suns”, and instead of having a big sun wearing sunglasses as their mascot, they’ll just put someone in a gorilla suit. Or maybe a team called something like “The Nuggets” will have a cougar represent them, instead of a big nugget. These cases can be classified as “cop outs”. The Island Storm did not “cop out”, they went ALL IN.

This is how I imagine the pitch meeting for Stormy McLoud went:

“Where do storms come from? Clouds, mostly! Our mascot should be a CLOUD”

So they set out to make their mascot a cloud. The sad part in all of this though, is that Stormy came out looking sort of like a sack of meat. A grey sack full of assorted, lumpy meats that has a face on the top.

What he lacks in his design, he makes up for in his movement. Stormy’s movement isn’t as spread out as most other mascots. He works mainly with a smaller, more contained zone. “McLoud’s House” as I call it. “McLoud’s House” begins behind the Island Storm bench, stretches just around the corner of the court, and off behind the home basket. Typically, I would dock a mascot points for this lack of arena coverage, but with Stormy it is different. When he is in that zone, he is always giving it 110%. Jumping, dancing, waving, he’s always going hard. It’s true that I would like to see him move around a bit more but there is something very comforting about knowing where you can find Stormy McLoud 90% of the time. He is surprisingly charming for having his busted “sack of meat” look.

6. Flash

Flash is a guy in a yellow morph suit. He used to do flips.

7. Swish

Swish is a guy in a blue morph suit. He wears a backwards hat.

8. Conductor Coal Train

Conductor Coal Train is scary. He is evil. He is bad. He is a villain. When I think about Nightmare on Elm Street, I can’t remember who Freddy Krueger is or what he looks like, all I see Conductor Coal Train. He looks like some sort of reverse Santa Clause who brings pain and sadness instead of gifts and joy. He looks like a long lost Mario Brother that is slowly melting. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is last thing I see before I die.

For how much he haunts me, I actually don’t see a lot of Conductor Coal Train. He very rarely makes an appearance on the Windsor Express live streams, making me wonder what he’s really up to at the games. Maybe it’s best if I don’t know. Either way, it should go without saying that Conductor Coal Train is firmly set in last place for the RimShot NBLC Mascot Power Rankings.

Thanks for reading! If you have any beef with these rankings, feel free to let me know why! Maybe you can help convince me to slide a certain mascot up a space or two…

until next time.