Rock and The Republicans: A Guide to Rocking the Primaries *Updated*

Americans love to say they are issues voters. From abortion to taxes to the military, voters often pick a few subjects of importance to them, then seek a candidate they agree with on those particular topics. But what if your issue is rock and roll?



For our readers who are Republicans, heading to vote in the primaries this week – or non-Republicans who enjoy voting in the primaries despite their opposing views (check your state’s rules, often you don’t have to be registered in the party to vote in the primaries) – here is a brief guide to what bands the candidates love, hate, and what rockers endorse them. I know what you’re thinking, “Are these real facts?” Go on, check the links. Shockingly, yes they are.



Happy voting day to all!





NEWT GINGRICH







He Loves Them: Abba. “Dancing Queen” is Newt’s ringtone – a song he fell in love with while watching the film Mamma Mia.



They Love Him: Christian heavy metal band Stryper endorse him, and was once interviewed by Ali G.



He Hates Them: Rap music, which he says should be banned from the airwaves because it “encourages the raping and mutilation of women”



Bonus:In 1996 he introduced HR 4170, the Drug Importer Death Penalty Act of 1996, which called for a life sentence or death penalty for anyone bringing more than 2 ounces of drugs into the country. He said that possession should be punished by community service 2 days a week and if the person misses a day they should go to prison for 5 years. Oddly, Gingrich himself has admitted to smoking weed in his youth. Regardless, his strong anti-drug and anti-rap stance on rap means Snoop Dogg will have a difficult life if Gingrich is elected.



Best Case Scenario: I’m imagining a presidential term something like an extended episode of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.



Worst Case Scenario: His wife plays French horn, nuff said.





RON PAUL







He Loves Them: Donovan, Arlo Guthrie, plus an array of songs written by his supporters including the “Ron Paul Punk Rock Anthem.”



They Love Him: Krist Novoselic of Nirvana and Arlo Guthrie endorsed him in his 2008 run for president.



Best Case Scenario: Alice’s Restaurant played TWICE on Thanksgiving.



Worst Case Scenario: National anthem changed to one of these Ron Paul songs.





MITT ROMNEY







He Likes Them: Roy Orbison, The Beatles, The Eagles, The Kingston Trio, Alan Jackson, Toby Keith, Brooks & Dunn, George Strait, Clint Black, and Garth Brooks.



They Like Him: Pat Boone, Donny Osmond, and Marie Osmond endorsed Mitt in 2008 Kid Rock offered his song “Born Free” to become Mitt’s official campaign song.



Best Case Scenario: Romneycare for all!



Worst Case Scenario: Mormon in charge outlaws coffee, soda; brings back Donny and Marie variety hour.





RICK SANTORUM







He Loves Them: Apparently he enjoys pop-up video, because he ran a campaign ad parodying the style. But don’t worry, there was no rock in it.



They Love Him: Sarah Palin. Oh wait, she’s not a rock star.



He Hates Them: Advice columnist Dan Savage of Savage Love.



Best Case Scenario: Um… can’t think of one.



Worst Case Scenario: “Santorum” is well known to readers of Savage Love advice column as slang for an unpleasant byproduct of anal sex. Yeah, I don’t need that image foisted on me every day when watching the news.





Gone but not forgotten…





HERMAN CAIN









MICHELE BACHMANN







She Loves Them: (Christian rock band) White People, Randy Travis, Elvis’ Christmas Music, Johann Sebastian Bach, Bachman Turner Overdrive’s “Taking Care of Business”. Although unreported, one could discern from this list Bachmann will take to any musician with the word Bach in their name. We will alert Burt Bacharach he’s next.



They Hate Her: Katrina and the Waves (Walking on Sunshine) and Tom Petty (American Girl) told Bachmann to stop using their songs in her campaign and Randy Bachman of BTO said she couldn’t use “American Woman”. Ted Nugent offered her the use of “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” as a campaign song, but she didn’t accept.



Missed Opportunity: Despite having 2 campaign ads centered around being from Waterloo (Iowa), never used the song in her ads. Maybe she didn’t have ABBA’s phone number?



She Hates Them: Bachman does not like Elton John and says The Lion King corrupts children with its gay-positive message (Is that what Hakuna Matata means?). She also suggested that Melissa Etheridge’s breast cancer may be a ‘wake up call” about her homosexuality.



Best Case Scenario: A lady president.



Worst Case Scenario: She’s not a witch.





JON HUNTSMAN







He Loves Them: Reo Speedwagon, Chuck Berry, Captain Beefheart, Prog Rock



And He Loves to Rock: Huntsman dropped out of high school to be in a band called Wizard, but sadly not the Wizzard which featured Roy Wood of ELO.



He’s Making it Easier for People to Get Drunk: As Utah’s Governor he relaxed state liquor laws, ending the old system in which would-be drinkers had to pay fees to become “members” of bars, which were considered private clubs.



Best Case Scenario: Drops out of presidency to live in parents’ basement; joins a band called Limp Biscuit or Lincoln Park.



Worst Case Scenario: President uses weekly address to perform covers of “Keep On Lovin’ You,” and “Can’t Fight This Feeling.”





RICK PERRY







He Loves Them: Dave Matthews Band, The Police, going so far as to quote the lyrics of Synchronicity II in his 2008 book, stating “we are all packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes, contestants in a suicidal race.”



They Love Him: At George W. Bush’s inaugural ball in 2005, Perry performed on stage with ZZ Top. Perry is also friends with Ted Nugent, who he goes hunting with.



Best Case Scenario: President gives up Air Force One to travel in ZZ Top car, appoints leggy trio of 80’s ladies as cabinet.



Worst Case Scenario: Cat Scratch Fever epidemic grips nation.





BUDDY ROEMER







He Hates them: The sponsors of SOPA (The Stop Online Piracy Act) which tries to address stopping illegal downloading. SOPA’s supporters (a group as diverse as Al Franken, Lindsay Graham and John McCain) have financially benefited from backing SOPA. Buddy is not on the list for getting any money.



They Love Him: He doesn’t take money from PAC’s or special interest groups so they don’t love him, but everyone has a mother, right?



Best Case Scenario: a president named “Buddy”



Worst Case Scenario: Illegal downloading is so 1990’s, shouldn’t he be defending vinyl or something?