The subject of gender equality is stealing the spotlight these days, and though I don’t like to participate in such discussions (because the buzz overshadows the cause), I also can’t ignore something that’s so close to my heart. As a career woman who has been working in the high tech industry for the past 12 years, I often find myself struggling against a male-dominated industry. I desperately try to relate to those who claim you can have it all; I read all the inspiring news, join women support groups, and even attempt to identify myself with role models — you name it, I’ve tried it — but in the end, I still find myself helpless.

The other day, my friend linked me an NPR interview with Ann-Marie Slaughter regarding her book, “Unfinished Business.” About one third into the interview, Slaughter mentioned that she constantly found her children competing with monitors to get her attention. I felt my heart break into pieces at the sound of that, and all I could hear for the remainder of the interview was my son’s voice trying to grab my attention as I work late in the evenings behind a laptop screen. Suddenly, a rush of those instances overwhelmed me; the moments when he begged me to play ball with him and I told him to wait, when I promised to listen to him after this one last email and I didn’t — eventually, he gave up and left…

When I was in engineering school I was proud to be one of the few girls in my department and among a few with straight A’s. I wanted to prove to my boys that a woman could do just as much as any man could, and be a role model to others who thought engineering was not for girls. I was at the top of my game and confident I was going to succeed in my career in the same way I did in school.

I entered the workforce and after a few years, I got my MBA and continued to be a happy employee. I was doing great and “moving up the ladder”, but along the way something happened: my growth plateaued relative to my male counterparts. My colleagues, my friends, my classmates from college, and even those who were looking up to me, were now getting ahead of me. What was happening? Was I being excluded from the boys club? Did I not have the right sponsor? Was it because I got pregnant? Did I fail to promote myself? Or, was I just not good enough? I know one of the main contributing factors for me was that I made my child a priority in my life. Yes, I sometimes had to answer emails in the evening and push him away when he blocked my way to the office, but it could have been a lot worse had I continued to be the same ambitious self I was in my “pre-mommy” years.

I’m glad I raised a happy child, but I still feel a void in my life: I’m not where I envisioned myself to be in my career. I feel as if I failed to be the role model I aspired to become, and it’s because of reasons such as these that I’m not surprised to hear today’s women represent fewer than 18% of those earning computer science degrees versus more than 30% just 30 years ago. So, to those who say this is a trend or just another women’s movement, well, I say you don’t feel the pain and don’t understand the fundamental problem that we as a nation are facing.

In this day and age where there’s a list of do’s and don’ts for even placing your garbage can outside your house, I wish I could find a list of top things for working women to do to “have it all”. That list doesn’t exist but some people still say it’s possible for women to have it all, my experience says otherwise. Others say women can have it all but not all at the same time; I hope that I can attest to that one day.