SIR Michael Fallon has confirmed that his sexual transgressions make him unfit to be defence minister but, luckily, still fine to be a Tory MP.

Fallon has resigned from the cabinet to avoid it being besmirched by allegations of sexual misconduct, but confirmed that the wider group of Conservatives in parliament can be proud to have him.

He said: “As we all know, groping and other univited sexual advances were acceptable in the 1970s and also enjoyed a retro resurgence during the period 2002-2007.

“And while my enthusiastic, envelope-pushing activities in that area mean I can no longer serve in the cabinet alongside pure souls like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox, it in no way disqualifies me from the Commons.

“By good fortune, my misbehaviour falls into that exact grey area between ‘falling on my sword as a distraction’ and ‘losing our tiny parliamentary majority’.

“I remain proud to serve the people of Sevenoaks. I warn them not to get too close.”