A Blackburn man appeared in court today after "performing a sex act" (a big wank) in a pub garden after snorting five lines of cocaine – a sex act he managed to keep up for 40 minutes; a sort of endurance wank, a long-distance marathon of a wank, the kind of wank Paula Radcliffe gets up in the middle of and takes a shit during. A big wank, basically. Police arrested him on the scene and he has a history of criminal indecency, and today he pleaded guilty to outraging public decency.

What is public decency? This constant lie that we are all in some way decent. I feel at one time or another we have all felt like a 35-year-old man, wanking in the wind, five lines into a session in a Blackburn beer garden. At one time or another: do we not all just want the sweet release of a self-inflicted orgasm? Do we not all want to really rail some gak? Do we not all occasionally need to let our minds breath, in a place where so little happens there may as well be nothing, in a large Lancashire town that is so featureless it is like diving deep into one's own mind, mediocrity close to meditation?

The man's name is Michael Brian Scott – his name is Michael Scott, like in the US Office; why has nobody on Tumblr done an appropriate .gif set of this yet? – and Blackburn magistrates today heard how he's sort of done stuff like this before. "He was in the beer garden of Clitheroe Kate's on Mincing Lane and people were constantly walking past," the prosecution, Catherine Allan, said. Then from Richard Prew, his defence, possibly the greatest court quote of all time: "He has been working as a fork lift truck driver for the last two years and lives with his partner who sits at the back of court. She finds his behaviour difficult to explain." She finds his behaviour. Difficult to explain.

I've been thinking about Blackburn beer garden gak wanker a lot, and I've come to the conclusion: he is a self-expressionist of the highest order, Britain's greatest living artist. Has Banksy done anything close to being as subversive as giving himself a coke-fuelled handy in a pub garden in Blackburn? He has not. Does anything say "Britain" more than the image of a tired fork lift truck operator, coked out of his mind, emotionlessly wanking under a Thwaites-branded bench umbrella? We should put that on tourist pamphlets instead of a picture of the Queen. We should have had that instead of the Olympic opening ceremony.

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Anyway, seeing as he's previously served 32 weeks in prison for indecency, there's a decent chance he'll go to prison again, all while his partner tries to explain to her family and friends where he's gone. "Uh," she's saying, at her niece's christening. "Where's Michael? Ah... bit – bit of a weird one. He's in prison for a gak wank." God speed to you, Blackburn beer garden gak wanker. God speed to you.

(Photo by Robert Wade via)