ROCHESTER, NY—Citing offenses such as talking back, whining, and touching everything in the goddamn store, every adult shopper in Sears’ Medley Center Parkway location is currently spanking their child, sources confirmed Thursday. “Knock it off, Jeremy!” said local parent Tim Bonstell, one of hundreds of exasperated fathers and mothers simultaneously stooping down to smack the bottoms of their misbehaving youngsters. “I said quit it! Emily, do you want a spanking, too?” At press time, every single man and woman at Sears was tugging a child by the arm toward the exit and promising they’d be sorry when they got home.

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