Santa might look fat and jolly, but don’t let appearances fool you. The man is a cold-hearted capitalist overlord. He might’ve started out with wooden toys and hoops, but now he has a global distribution racket with ties to everything from games consoles to smartphones. The man knows what he’s doing.

He comes down your chimney every year to put expensive objects on your carpet. That’s some aggressive marketing right there. Amazon, Google and Facebook could learn a thing or two. So what would things be like if Santa took tips from techland and ran the show like Silicon Valley?

Santa is all over big keynote speeches

Every year brings a minor improvement to a wooden train set

The workshop is registered in Ireland for tax reasons

Sent Santa a Christmas list? Boom. You’re bombarded with targeted ads for rocking horses

Elves openly love fitness trackers

Elves secretly love Ayn Rand

Local communities of penguins have been pushed out of the North Pole due to gentrifying elves

Rudolf has been squeezed out by Uber

Easter is now part of the Christmas holding company

Everybody says “innovation” a lot

Santa is in trouble with the European Court of Justice for amassing vast stores of data about good and naughty children

The workshop has secret military contracts

There are a lot of beanbags everywhere

Feel free to add more in the comments below. Or not. Whatever you feel like.