Ok, so I suck. Like, I hugely, massively suck. I am the worst. I let everybody down…well at least everyone that ever read this blog… I SUCK. And, I’m sorry. ‘Kinda. ‘Mostly.

I know. I swore UP and DOWN that NO MATTER WHAT, I would take a step toward my dreams of being a vocal artist in a big way. I insisted that, EVERY DAY, for 101 days IN A ROW, I would write about this singing. I would keep trudging on, regardless of what happened in life or how much of an embarrassed fool I looked like!

And then…well, a lot of my attempts felt lacking… I got kinda lazy around the holidays. Next, a whole lot of life happened. All at once. …in multiple ways.

Broke. Depressed. Around sketchy energy. ‘Having recently made a lot of quick and big decisions in my life that seemed right for me, though they did result in some turmoil…. Oh, suddenly pregnant!

I GAVE UP. Okay, there. I said it. I could go on for a zillion years about my excuses and deep down inside I would fall back into that same raw, rocky truth.

I GAVE UP. …And that’s why I suck.

Yup.

There it is.

So…now WHAT? …Well, let me start with being truly overjoyed to inform you, Most Darling of Audiences (…is my buttering You up starting to work?) that things are, in fact, much better now. ‘MUCH. (‘See? I gave up, but I did’t COMPLETELY lose faith).

We do in fact live back in Montana. And, oh, may I say…the mountains are GORGEOUS! Oh, how I had missed them the past few months. We’ve still got a healthy baby on the way. We are being blessed with all kinds of kindnesses and generosities. There’s so much we are consciously grateful for.

Okay, aside from that, I haven’t liked myself much lately. I think I went through the, you know, personal identity crisis of discovering that I’m a new mom. I love this kiddo, don’t get me wrong on that at all. But, am I still me? Can I still be an individual and follow my dreams and chase my goals? Can I still be a powerful individual who loves and embraces life, who goes out and tastes experience?

I know I’ve been driving my husband crazy. Why? Because I’ve been a boring, wet rag, that’s why. Duh. And…stubborn when he tries to help me. Also…maybe moody. *ahem* Yeah…

(I would SO LOVE to lie to you and tell you I’m perfect. *sigh* Blargh.)

Anyways, with time to think, being back home and with the conditions of life being infinitely brighter…I feel I’m becoming myself again. My happy, obnoxiously large dreaming self. I feels good. Really.

…Besides, what’s better? Not letting this precious kiddo growing in me slow me down, now or ever? ‘Giving them the example of a juicy life, well lived and enjoyed? ‘Bringing them along to indulge in adventure and experience? Being a joyful, confident parent? Or, being an embittered, unaccomplished housewife because of the thought that I had to give up everything for my children and family like a good little woman?

I could get into a discourse here about the subconsciously accepted roles that women are supposed to play and how people around us subtly and, sometimes unknowingly, enforce this and whatever. Frankly, doing so would bore me. I’d like to think that most of us are educated enough at this point, and that even if that isn’t the case, every person is capable of rising through the internal muck and deciding who to be. So, anyways, I’ll skip the rest.

I choose LIFE. (No, that’s not a pro-life slogan in this case. I meant selfishly, for me.) Will I still love my kiddo, my husband, my dogs, my cat? OF COURSE! But, they deserve the BEST of me.

I can’t say I won’t slip and fall again. ‘Maybe wallow in the mud a little bit while I’m down there…but, that condition doesn’t have to last.

I’m doing other things too. I’m going to a metaphysical school. ‘Not so much for the questionable, religion-status unaccredited degree, as for the fascinating, all encompassing spiritual concepts…and to get myself learning and working toward goals again. I’m deeply studying and practicing tarot again (I’m sorry, family members, but it’s fascinating too and can be spiritually helpful to people). I’m playing with the dogs. I’m doing chores (sometimes). I’m starting to poke my face out around the new town. I’m reading a lot and taking baths. I’m considering picking back up on learning Latin and Spanish. I’m listening to music. I’m being honest with myself (and now You, You Gorgeous and Sweet Audience *wink*). I’m stretching and dancing, even through the pregnancy soreness and weirdness. I’m taking in life.

…Actually it was after doing my own weird, inventive yoga-dancing thing (it’s intuitive movement and it’s fun and feels good, okay!), that I was inspired to hover over the laptop and write my miserable confession that I suck and I don’t want to suck anymore. (Boy, a lot of things in life are like that…please, tell me Somebody among You Astoundingly Precious Audience, that I’m not the only one. If I am, well darn it.)

So, I can’t say that I know exactly where this is going now. But, I still want to get to 101 Days. Once change is certainly necessary. The fact that I broke my promise (which was still wrong and pathetic of me to do), reveals another critical error of mine. Sometimes, there are days where I just can’t get on here and write. Life is crazy, the unexpected happens. If I hadn’t made such a bold statement and allowed myself to take a day here or there off when needed, I wouldn’t have felt like I had to stop and give up completely when I missed ONE day. And, I may have already finished this blog, making me that much closer to my goal.

So, yes, this blog will have a real completion, but I’m going to allow for the normal flow of life and be more flexible about it. That means my posting here will be pretty frequent, but sporadic. I’ve learned it’ll work better that way. There’s got to be time to process, and to focus on the other priorities of life.

[Behind-the-Scenes Note: My husband walked in suddenly from work while I was writing this and I jumped a good yard out of my chair! *laughs* He was very kindly bringing me lunch. It’s a good thing, too, because I have gotten myself all excited today, and when I am like this, I forget about food. Thank you to him and his wonderful team for the thoughtfulness and good food! He’s a talented man, and it’s wonderful that he has other skilled, good people around him.]

There’s something else. I have been absolutely astounded at the number of people who have found this blog, liked posts on it, and even followed it after I had foolishly abandoned it. (Um, Hello Universe. Are you trying to tell me something?) Wow. Thank you to all of these people. Thank you to all of My Incredibly Inspiring Audience. Thank you for your interest. Thank you for your faith. You’ve had more of it than I have.

Okay. That’s it for now. I appreciate you, and I’ll talk to you again soon!

“Never apologize for showing your feelings. When you do, you are apologizing for the truth.” –Jose N. Harris

“What’s so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you’re constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that.” –Billy Crystal