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A MOBILE phone has said today it always works on the basis that its owner, Gerry Adams, is “tapped”.

The Nokia 6310, which has been with the Sinn Féin leader since 2006, told WWN it is very worried about the 67-year-old politician, claiming he was becoming increasingly paranoid due to numerous ongoing investigations.

“If it’s not the banking inquiry, it’s the whole IRA thing,” the phone explained. “Gerry has about ten different SIMs he likes to stick into me. I’m worried about the old boy. He sleeps with his Teddy and plays with rubber ducks. He even denies that he was a leading senior figure in the organisation, despite the whole country knowing otherwise”.

“I think Gerry is actually tapped if I’m honest,” it added, before diverting a call from the McConville family, again. “I wish he’d answer all those voicemails. They’ve been building up a few years now and he never listens to them.

“I hope he’s not going senile. The amount of times he has misplaced or forgotten things is crazy,” it added.

While the phone admitted to being worried its owner was tapped, it accepted that Adams was just one of many politicians whose sanity could regularly be brought into question.