LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next assignment. “I shall let the cosmos decide, for only a fool would attempt to escape the hand of fate,” said the 12-year-old middle school student and weirdo, resolving not to move a muscle as those around him got up from their seats and found friends to pair up with. “I will be conveyed to my new lab partner like a cork upon the ocean waves, ebbing and flowing with the tide, my path guided only by Poseidon’s will. What will be, will be.” At press time, Butler was overheard muttering, “Oh, fuck this,” upon having to partner with the only other unpaired student, a 14-year-old loser taking the class for the third time.

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