G. B. Gething — Vale of Neath, 1854

What is ‘attainment’? what is ‘perfect consciousness’? What is ‘the true self’? In studying the Way, we throw these terms around a lot without necessarily thinking long enough about what they mean. And even if we do spend ample time thinking about them, these very concepts must defy conceptualization if they are to be understood properly. If you think about them too much, they disappear. Trying to grasp them is like trying to hold smoke in your hand. You might be able to for a few seconds, but then it fades into the ether. They must be contemplated beyond regular thought.

When I didn’t understand Zen so much, I took my meditation practice for granted. I skipped days or even weeks. I ended sessions early. I thought the ideas were more important than the practice. Only now do I understand that the practice is the most important thing, because it allows us to exist in this place beyond mere thoughts. Because of this, I no longer believe in ‘self improvement’. What do I mean by this? Why shouldn’t we aim consistently to improve ourselves? Isn’t that the whole point?

Self-improvement is a trick. When you say to yourself, “I want to become better.” You are really saying, “I want to change.” This signifies a dissatisfaction with the present— we feel bad as we are and wish to become what we are not. But what do you want to change for? Do you want to be happy? Make more money? Have more sex? Sleep better? Feel less stressed? These are outside attachments. When we try to improve ourselves for the sake of attachments, we fall short. But what if we’re actually feeling bad as we are not and need to just become who we are? The essence of it is this:

When you try to change yourself in accordance to a desire outside yourself, you remain in the very cycle that makes you feel insufficient.

This is the same false logic that leads people who are already unhappy to link their unhappiness to material things and then chase them. But if we chase these things, we are still focused on out there. We falsely believe that what we’re looking for is available somewhere else, when it is really available within us. And so, the more we chase, the less we find. We cause havoc and waste in the world just so we can try to fill the void.

Imagine someone holding a gun to your head, telling you that they are going to shoot you if you don’t find your glasses. In your terrified haste, you go searching frantically around your house for your glasses. You look everywhere, but you can’t find them because you’re already wearing them. You worked yourself up into a frenzy for absolutely no reason other than that you thought you had to. This is what we do to ourselves when we try to fill the universal void with worldly or external things.

Our sense of lack comes from this internal void. The key word here is ‘internal’. You cannot fill something immaterial with material things! You can’t even fill it with thoughts or feelings. If you want to achieve ‘attainment’, you have to reposition yourself and make peace with the void. This is all we’re doing during meditation. We’re sitting and letting all these waves of externalities wash over us while our inner-core comes to understand itself. Over time, it becomes more apparent which is which.

The crucial step in this process is recognizing that only a peeling away of attachments and ideals will give you what you’re looking for. Expecting to be fulfilled by searching is like breathing in and never exhaling. The void cannot be filled, so it must be utilized as a gift rather than a burden if we are to live meaningfully. This doesn’t mean we should shrink away from the world or deny ourselves everyday enjoyments. In fact, the more we make peace with the void, the more we enjoy our activities and experiences for their own sake rather than as a means to fulfillment. When you find fulfillment within, you can appreciate life for what it is. You are never changing. You are never becoming better, because you can’t become better. All of your perceived external victories are manufactured by your monkey mind. Once we come to terms with this, we can make peace with who we are and stop trying to change. We can be truly free— both in the world and inside ourselves.

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