THE EU has imposed a 40 per cent tariff on overweight American golf tossers flying over here to lumber around a green near a castle.

Patronising Americans who flock to Europe with overpriced clubs they are too unfit to even pull around in a bag on wheels will be charged a tariff on entry and further fees for calling anything ‘quaint’.

European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “A tariff on baseball caps. A tariff on 3XL polo shirts. A tariff on tiny, piggy eyes blinking out from a wall of sagging flesh.

“It might appear we are specifically imposing a trade barrier on President Trump and his followers that closely resemble him, and yes, that is entirely the case.

“You want to come to Scotland and show an uninterested barman your 12-page genealogy proving you’re descended from Bonnie Prince Charlie? From now on it will cost you to come over here and patronise everyone.”

US tourist Wayne Hayes said: “I don’t know what the fuss is about. The only steel Europe makes is for suits of armour and enchanted swords.”