You may know that I like beards. You may remember that I like a band called The Beards, so you can imagine my surprise when I went on Bandcamp the other day to find them, only to be faced with pages and pages of other bands with beards in their names, and sometimes on their faces. With nothing better to do with my life, I spent the best part of a day and a half listening to them. Here’s a rundown of those bands, in the order they were presented to me:

(I also created a star rating — or a beard rating — with pictures of my face. Yes, work’s quiet at the moment. )

Worst:

Best:

Beards, Leeds (punk)

https://beards-leeds.bandcamp.com/

Their songs don’t seem to be about beards, which is strange. Regardless, I listened to a couple of tracks from the Nature Proper album, released in January 2015, and it was pretty awful. They have another album from 2010 which, after one song, I decided was just the same.

Beards, Nashville (folk)

http://beardsmusic.com/

This Beards band had four albums to choose from. I almost went for the Christmas album but decided instead to go for We Grow Old because of the artwork. After the last band, these were very pleasant, if a little slow, to listen to.

Here’s a clip from YouTube. Note: a better title would be Beard Leading the Beard. If a member from the band reads this, I have ideas for other title changes, too.

(The first song from the Christmas album is pretty good, actually.)

Beards, Ohio (jazz)

https://beardscamp.bandcamp.com/

The jazz-style songs, and there’s always one, on The (Proper) Beards’ albums are always my least favourite, so I didn’t have much hope when I opened this page. As always I started with the most recent album I could see: Spectacular Flowers: Live Selections Vol. 2. There’s only four songs but, thanks to the 14.50 time of the first, it goes on for half an hour. The first song is a complete mess (is that just jazz?) so I soon gave up.

Beards, Ottawa (alternative)

https://beardsband.bandcamp.com/

Judging just by genres, this alternative/folk punk band seemed like it would be more my thing. With only one EP (‘cleverly’ called EP) there wasn’t much to judge them on, but their three songs seemed quite good. One thing letting them down: none of the three seemed to be about beards.

Here’s a low quality video of Stop Gap (or Stop-Gap, the band is inconsistent with their dashes). Note the lack of beards.

BEARds, Maine (electronic)

https://beards666.bandcamp.com/

I didn’t know what to expect from a band(?) that listed “dark ambient” as a genre and, although these aren’t my new favourite songs, there is something quite nice about them. For a while.

2BEARDS, Italy (rock)

https://2beards.bandcamp.com/releases

Guitars, beards, rock and roll. What more could you ask for? Lyrics about beards, obviously. Quite good otherwise.

The Beards, Venezia (americana)

Another Italian beard-related band, another Italian band that doesn’t sing about beards, but they do at least mention them. They also sing in a really weird accent.

SHE BEARDS, Oakland (pop/rock)

Nothing offensive on the album fuck this but the songs, and the man on the album’s cover, are beardless, harmless and hard to love.

Bad Beards, Connecticut (indie)

Only one song that I could be bothered to find and it’s fair to say that the first part of the band name is apt.

Beardsley, LA (psychedelic rock)

It’s perhaps a bit of a stretch to include Beardsley on this list, but when the whole post is a bit of a stretch already how do you know when to stop? Two songs, nothing about facial hair; nothing special.

Three Beards, UK (folk)

Trying desparately to one-up the earlier band 2BEARDS is the British group Three Beards. Their music doesn’t mention their beards, mostly because none of the songs I listened to had any lyrics. Then I noticed that there was a song called Beards to Clean and I got excited. Someone’s doing it right! Plus one for that, but minus one for the apostrophes in Ghost’s n Goblin’s.

SealbeardS, Boston [USA] (punk)

Again no obvious songs about beards (or seals), but overall it seemed pretty decent, with a few ska-style songs making me bop in my seat before I realised what was happening.

The Beards, Norway (folk/indie)

These people are singing in, what I presume is, Norwegian. The first song does have ‘The Beards’ in the title but otherwise I don’t really know what’s going on.

Beardstein!, Wisconsin (electronic)

This guy (?) just seems to have a remix of someone else’s song which wasn’t even about beards. I didn’t like it.

The Beards, Minnesota (folk)

Just one song for this version of The Beards, which is only 40 seconds long and isn’t about anything specific. What’s the point of this?

Greybeards, Sweden (rock)

Again, just one song, but as it’s at least a decent length and it was released on my birthday I can let them off with that. The song, Future Designs, doesn’t seem to be about beards on first listen, but hopefully they’ll correct that with future releases.

Beardsmith, UK (pop)

Members: five. Beards: half. Songs: 10. Beard songs: 0.

Beard Summit, San Francisco (rock)

It’s getting to the point now where I’ve stopped hoping for bands to sing about beards and I have no idea what the beard rating means any more. For a normal band these guys would be okay, not amazing, but why pretend to be about beards when you’re not?

toastbeards, New Orleans (blues/jazz)

Another jazz band, another worry. Given that they’re from New Orleans this shouldn’t be a huge surprise I guess, but with more song titles mentioning ‘jam’ (two) than ‘beards’ (zero) they’re only living up to half their name.

Heisenbeards, Montreal (punk)

This band takes its name from the Breaking Bad character but doesn’t really seem to focus all of its songs on either meth or beards. Isn’t that a requirement for a band anymore?

WEGROWBEARDS, Surrey (punk)

It’s a sad state of affairs when you give up looking for beards in songs. Sure, 381 Days could be the title of a song about a more-than-successful yeard attempt, though in this case it’s probably not. Yukon Ho! almost certainly isn’t beard related. Having said all that, this is the most I’ve enjoyed any music in a while.

the Dandybeards, Ohio (folk)

Any beard songs? No, but track 12 — BEAR — is 80% of the way there. Any good? The album starts with a 47-second song which is basically an accordion solo.

Bag of Beards, Maine (electronic)

Just one song to judge from — rated as a $7 song by the artist, more than most full albums on the site. As it’s just 1.45 long and a complete mess, that’s not a good deal.

BEARDSPLTTR, Florida (rock)

Two songs, no beards. Two bad songs, terrible recordings.

Beard Season, Ontario (alternative)

Just one song and, given that it’s named after a sleeping tablet, it makes sense that it’s slow, dreary and wants to put you to sleep.

Lilly Beards, UK (alternative)

A couple of covers of popular(ish) songs which sound completely terrible. No beards to be seen or heard.

(a worrying trend seems to be appearing now that I’m on page four of results)

Band of Beards, New Jersey (punk)

Two albums, no bearded songs, but not completely terrible. Thankfully ending the run of zero ratings, Band of Beards sound like they might actually be a decent band.

Winter Beards, California (indie rock)

Sounds like almost any generic American rock group. Nothing amazing, but nothing terrible.

The Pip-Beards, Idaho (rock)

Just one track from 2009 suggests that The Pip-Beards are no longer together. That’s not something that upsets me in any way.

Beards of Beez, North Carolina (dark ambient, again)

I don’t know what this is.

When I thought I’d just start listening to bands with ‘beards’ somewhere in their name, I thought there’d be a small handful and it would be a quick, easy task. I spent a few hours on the above and now I’m coming back to it for day two. I’m on the last result of page four (albums and songs are mixed in there too — another post?) and there are at least six pages in total. What have I done?

The New Beards, Washington DC (alternative)

Just one song again, one that isn’t — surprise, surprise — about beards. Maybe I should give up on that quest. Did I do that yesterday already? This sounds like some 90s Garbage or Lush or something. Not great, not terrible.

Page five…

The False Beards, UK (folk)

Twinky-twanky guitars, a voice that sounds like it’ll tell great stories but these songs lack a real substance to their lyrics. The sky? Spring? A ship?

Sister Beards, American Georgia (rock)

Another band with just one song, this from almost exactly a year ago, so maybe they’re not dead. It’s okay, not terrible but not amazing.

Men with Beards, n/a (hip-hop)

These guys have (a) beards and (b) five releases, so maybe they know what’s going on. The Men with Beards LP has a few beardy titles although some tracks like Why the Beards? and Proper Beard Care are just them talking about those topics. Good points made, but not really a song. This is from 2011 so maybe there’s hope in later albums? After listening to a few more tracks, it’s clear that what I think a song is and what they think a song is are two different things. Still, bonus points for actually mentioning beards.

Lois Beardslee, Michigan (spoken word)

Even by my standards this is a bit of a stretch. Three albums to pick from, no beard titles in sight. A couple of tracks just seem to be a woman reading a story to me. Even if that’s what I was looking for, I didn’t like the style.

Blackbeard, Utah (punk)

This is just scary.

fashion beards, Oregon (experimental)

https://fashionbeards.bandcamp.com/

The combination of ‘Oregon’ and ‘experimental’ gave me a sense of dread when clicking on this profile — I just noticed that I stopped copying URLs a while back — and I feel justified after listening to one… song? Is this music? It’s just noises. Sounds like an extractor fan for most of it. Go on, click the link.

The Neckbeards, Maryland (experimental)

At first I thought this band was alright(? okay) [that’s a joke based on one of their songs, if they get famous everyone will be making it, right?], a bit like an American The Enemy (first album), but then halfway through the first song (mentioned above) I decided I didn’t like them.

Beards of Yeast, Oregon (punk)

https://beardsofyeast.bandcamp.com/

Just one song from 2013 which is a bit okay and a bit scary. I think I’m onto bands that aren’t really expected to have beard-related songs, but something like that isn’t going to stop me now.

Beards Allowed, UK (folk)

https://beardsallowed.bandcamp.com/

Q: What band do you get if you cross my favourite Australian band with my favourite all-girl British girl group?

A: Beards Allowed (Aloud).

They’ve set up their page in a weird way, so not all their songs are together, but I’ll let them off with that technical hitch. It’s quite nice stuff, nothing amazing/beardy, and all very short, but quite nice nonetheless.

Kids With Beards, North Dakota (folk)

https://kidswithbeards.bandcamp.com/

I’m doubtful as to whether they really have beards — especially the female lead singer — but either way I’ll probably never listen to them ever again.

Summary

1) The Australian The Beards is by far the best.

2) They’re not on Bandcamp though so this was a complete waste of time.

3) My last.fm profile is totally confused by what’s happened.