There’s going to be a GamerGate movie! While I don’t think it’ll live up to the book (It’s nearly finished! I promise!), I and many other GamerGate supporters eagerly await this televisual extravaganza, which will be a biopic of the video games industry’s second-greatest damsel in distress, professional offence-taker, grievance counsellor and wannabe developer Zoe Quinn.

According to this report, rights to the movie have been won by Amy Pascal, a former Sony Pictures executive who “likened movie stars on TV to ‘the new black baby.’” Funny, if injudicious for the head of a major studio. Pascal is perhaps best known for a series of what progressives called “racist” emails that eventually lead to her downfall at Sony, after unknown parties hacked Sony’s servers and suggested it was due to Seth Rogen and James Franco’s North Korean satire The Interview, though that’s now disputed.

Pascal is also the woman behind the upcoming all-female Ghostbusters reboot. It remains unclear if the inevitable bankruptcy caused by the movie will affect the production of Quinn’s biopic. Whether it will even get out of development, or into anywhere other than the bargain DVD bin in your local Walmart, is an open question. Like Quinn’s ill-fated Rebel Game Jam, it’s likely to just be vaporware.

Still, it’s impressive that Pascal won the bid. I hear five other guys five other studios were also furiously, passionately, vigorously bidding for the biopic. The report says that “several actresses” are interested in playing Zoe Quinn, with Scarlett Johansson said to be “the keenest,” although that could just mean she laughed the least when her agent pitched it. As for the male characters, I shudder to think what the casting couch for the film will end up looking like.

Of course, the hackers and terrorists of GamerGate have already located an early test trailer on Pascal’s servers.

Pascal will face another casting dilemma. Will she placate the fat activists by selecting an appropriately-sized actress to play Quinn? Or will she please audiences instead, and go below size 12? Either way, she’s going to face some angry Tumblr bloggers.

The film will be called “Crash Override,” a reference to Quinn’s dubious “anti-cyberbullying” organisation. Crash Override, supposedly a company that helps people manage “cyber attack,” more verifiably a website with a countdown clock that reset when it reached its deadline and then… nothing, has supposedly helped people, although the “company,” including notorious internet Troll and “activist” Randi Harper and world’s cutest ex-boyfriend Alex Lifschitz (call me) have yet to provide any sort of proof they do anything for anyone.

If the movie does get funded and out of development hell, viewers are likely to be in for the greatest unintentional comedy of the season. Like Law & Order: SVU‘s hilariously misjudged take on GamerGate, it’s likely to represent little more than moral panic on the big screen. The true Mazes & Monsters of the millennial generation: two hours of bad clothing, bad acting, overly Riot GRRRRRLLL music, a boyfriend who’s a Lifetime villain…

But this preamble has gone on long enough. The question hanging on everyone’s lips is obvious.

Who will play me?

I’ve never directed or produced a good movie in my life. This is something I share in common with Amy Pascal, so I’ve decided to make a shortlist.

James Woods

There are so few conservatives in Hollywood, it’s difficult to find someone that the movie’s 34-strong audience of video game progressives can really hate. Woods has made a career of playing menacing tough guys, so he should be able to effectively communicate my ruthless and terrifying misogyny. He is a little old for the part, but the FX wizards can take care of that, and I expect they will have me in a black cloak like emperor Palpatine, so his face will hardly be seen.

Laverne Cox

I don’t object to being played by a manly woman, but I hear Sigourney Weaver has other projects to attend to. Cox is more masculine than the majority of the Hollywood pretty boys, and she has the Yiannopoulos arse without any special effects.

Seth Rogen

I just want to see him forced to lose 200 pounds and cut his Afro. Plus, all that time on set will leave his wife plenty of time to visit Mike Cernovich.

Shaun King

Actually, never mind. Not black enough.

A Hologram of Tupac

Because who gives a fuck.

Freddie Mercury’s Reanimated Body

The only other gay person in history who could possibly claim to be as based as me.

Wil Wheaton

Organizing strikes in video game voice acting and leeching off nerds on the convention circuit doesn’t cover all the items on Felicia Day’s Amazon wishlist like it used to. Maybe Wil is a method actor. If so, he can work himself into the hatred he imagines I have for the world by thinking of his reaction last time he saw a man hold a door open for a woman.

Myself

They say if you want a job done well, do it yourself. For the betterment of art and mankind, I will begrudgingly subject myself to the rigours of a movie shoot: an insanely large pay check, flunkies to fetch my lattes and an endless stream of athletic catamites. Let’s face it, I really can’t be imitated by anyone. Unless…

Idris Elba

Really, the only choice. Idris Elba is a dead ringer for me and can certainly nail the accent. He has the sort of star power that will put butts in seats even if the trailer for the film starts out “In a world…… in which a talentless slattern….. occasionally faces insults based on her lifestyle and appearance.” Idris: call me!