That's how you're gonna sell your program to Americans? You're gonna love it? It's not war, the thing we're best at, it's math the thing we're 32nd out of 65 in the world at? Or, as we like to think of it, the top 10%?

Let me say this. Barack Obama knows one thing. You can never go wrong appealing to Americans' love of math. Probably something he stole from the hugely popular online role-playing game World of Mathcraft.

( in Obama voice ) "Ah, what we'll do is, one at a time, excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom, then we will climb out of the window and into Canada."

9/19/2011: CHRIS JANSING: The Wall Street Journal estimated that your businesses, which I believe are Subway sandwich shops and UPS stores, very successful, brought you last year over $6 million dollars. REP. JOHN FLEMING, R-LA: Yeah, that's before you pay 500 employees. ... The amount that I have to reinvest in my business and feed my family is more like $600,000 of that $6.3 million. And so by the time I feed my family, I have maybe only $400,000 left over to invest in new locations, upgrade my locations, buy more equipment....

(audience boos)

Settle down. Let's ignore for a moment that this gentleman seems to have an incredibly shitty accountant who has advised him to pay personal income tax on money he reinvests in his business. Let's blow past the fact that under Obama's plan, instead of having $400,000 to upgrade your stores and buy equipment, you'd have $381,000. Let's focus on the $200,000, you say, a year you need to feed your family. Now, I'm gonna tell you something you may not know. There is a place where you can buy a full 12 inches of meat sub deliciousness for $5.

(wild audience cheering and applause)

Now, by my calculations, $200,000 will buy you 40,000 feet of food. That is 8 miles of room temperature honey-cured technically turkey. Perhaps you've heard of these places, they're everywhere! So, problem solved.

REP. JOHN FLEMING, R-LA (9/19/2011): Again, if you go after the higher income earners, you're also going after the job creators. ... So whatever is cut out of those earnings is money taken out of capital for reinvestment for creating more jobs, opening up more locations.

More locations? At long last, sir? We don't need more Subways. I'll show you. We sent Wyatt Cenac to the nearest Subway. Wyatt, where are you right now?

WYATT CENAC: I'm right here, Jon.

And by the way, the only reason they opened a Subway next to our studio was that the one inside our studio couldn't handle all the business.

It's right over there. You don't normally see it on camera. But it smells like a loaf of bread took a shit.

So let's find.... Taxes go up. You may find yourself, at times, more than 20 sandwich lengths away from the next Subway store, for they are plentiful. But there is, sadly, only one Papa Bear.

BILL O'REILLY (9/19/2011): If you tax achievement, some of the achievers are going to pack it in. Again, let's take me. My corporations employ scores of people. They depend on me to do what I do so they can make a nice salary. If Barack Obama begins taxing me more than 50%, which is very possible, I don't know how much longer I'm going to do this. I like my job, but there comes a point when taxation becomes oppressive.

(mocking laughter from audience)

So if taxes are raised, Bill O'Reilly might quit his Fox show? (wild audience cheering) Well, that brings us to our new segment...

I shouldn't poke fun. Bill's just standing up for a shrinking exploited minority.

BILL O'REILLY (9/19/2011): Right now, taxpayers with incomes above $1 million dollars represent just 0.2%, not 2%, 0.2% of all income tax returns. Yet the million-dollar babies pay 21% of all the federal income tax! CLAYTON MORRIS (8/20/2011): Millionaires are disappearing from America.

The super rich will go extinct. We'd add them to the Endangered Species list, but you know how much they despise government regulation. Oh! Cruel irony! People, everyday America loses more and more millionaires to abusive individual and corporate tax rates. Their habitats are slowly disappearing.

Their watering holes drying up.

If we don't act quickly, these once plentiful creatures will be relegated to zoos and heartbreaking documentaries.

(PSA commercial)

Hi, I'm Jon Stewart. (♫ Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" plays in background) Will you be an angel for a helpless multi-millionaire? Every day, James Merriwether Phillips, Meester James to his domestic staff, and thousands more like him live in fear that the top marginal tax rate will be raised from its current 35% to 39.6%.

(multi-millionaire starts crying)

But you can help. For just most of what you earn in a year, you can help James make up that difference. Call now, because he wants the money now. We'll be right back.