SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that Hurricane Joaquin was expected to produce powerful winds, violent swells, and dangerous rip currents, the National Weather Service strongly advised Americans today not to go surfing unless they could really shred that shit. “As Joaquin gains strength and begins to approach the Eastern Seaboard, we would like to remind the public that they should not attempt to enter the surf if they are unprepared to carve up these bitchin’ tubes,” said NWS director Louis Uccellini, sternly warning that those not aggro enough to charge these gnar gnar waves are going to be getting seriously cranked all day. “All of our predictive models and real-time data suggest that the waves produced by this system will be beyond mondo, and we cannot stress enough that you should remain out of the water if you’re a weak little kook or chrubee. This is an extremely dangerous Category 4 storm; if you’re going to ride, you’d better be able to go balls-fucking-out.” The NWS director confirmed that inexperienced boarders who try to ride the barrel put themselves and emergency responders at risk of ending up at the hack shack.

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