Illustration: Hailey Bollinger



Dachshund: Hunting bananas

Basset Hound: Hunting plantains

Beagle: Be available as an option for those who want a professionally bred dog that looks like a rescued shelter dog

Poodle: To prove that stuffed animals can be sentient

St. Bernard: To help lost mountaineers with the cessation of alcohol using that tiny portion-controlled barrel around its neck

Border Collie: To serve as mad scientist in the coming dog uprising

German Shepherd: Bred by Border Collie to serve as foot soldier in the coming dog uprising

Golden Retriever: To be a dog for suburban people who do not want dogs

Labrador: To be a dog for suburban people who do not want dogs yet are savvy enough to know that golden retrievers are painfully basic

Great Dane: No specific purpose, other than for breeders to essentially see if they could create the Big Gulp equivalent of a dog

Chihuahua: Failed attempt at creating off-brand Star Wars tie-in merchandise

Bull Terrier: Bred solely to give name to the odd thing that Spuds MacKenzie was

Greyhound: To convey the importance of the Bauhaus decree of form following function

Saluki: To show what happens when a greyhound has a great f*cking hair day