ITALIAN car maker Fiat has unveiled plans to take over Vaxuhall, insisting the British-made cars are still not quite rusty and unreliable enough.

Fiat wants to buy General Motors' UK and German brands to a create a new pan-European third-rate car giant to compete with the likes of Volkswagen in its dreams.

A Fiat spokesman said: "If you kick a Vauxhall Astra only the rear bumper falls off, while the Corsa does not have the same all-over, reddish-brown hue of a typical Italian hatchback.

"On the other hand, if you so much as cough near the new Fiat Punto, both the bumpers literally fly off in opposite directions, the doors drop off their hinges and the headlights fall out like some kind of clown car. And then it explodes."

He added: "Under our plans Vauxhall will produce a range of exciting, eco-friendly cars that may not get you to the end of the street but will provide a useful storage space for people who don't have attics."

British brands have an impressive history when it comes to foreign takeovers. In 1994 BMW bought Rover, before offloading it six years later as if it was emptying a chamber pot into a gutter.

Fiat pointed to its strong track record in rescuing troubled manufacturers. Alfa Romeo now makes stylish cars that are bought by discerning drivers who appreciate good design but have no desire to go anywhere, while Lancia has not sold a new car since 1977.

Meanwhile Fiat is also hoping to acquire the US giant Chrysler with a view to integrating its staggeringly unsuccessful technology and useless design know-how into its inexplicable strategy.