I didn’t even know another Ninja Turtles movie was coming out. I thought the last five or six Michael Bay perversions of fond childhood memories had been enough.

First Bay made Transformers horrible and then he turned Shredder into a Transformer. Why? Because shiny things and BOOM! That’s why.

So the trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows went online yesterday. Play close attention to the glorious few seconds after the 1:55 mark, if you’ve missed it this far.

That’s right, kids. Casey Jones, one of our all-time favorite childhood characters, is back.

Most radical is that they have him cruising through New York City. More on that later.

The Blades Finally Come Out

Casey’s rollerblades aren’t just another attempt at grasping at 90s nostalgia as original fans of the franchise try to entice their own sons and daughters to hop on board.

Casey’s skates are actually part of TMNT canon. Variations of him in the past—at least those in animated and toy form—have had him on skates, but with a few added features.

The Casey Jones I know and love from the 1990 Turtles movie was played by Elias Koteas, a Greek Canadian who studied acting in New York City, home of the Turtles. (No, that’s not the guy who plays Det. Elliot Stabler on SVU.)

The guy was a bad ass in the role.

The latest person to take up the mantle is Stephen Amell, who plays a very serious version of Oliver Quinn on CW’s Arrow.

To me, he seems too clean-cut for the role, but he will be playing Megan Fox’s love interest, so it’s a step up from Shia.

For those of you who don’t know, here’s a brief biography of Casey Jones: as a child, Casey’s father was murdered by the Purple Dragons and his mother and sister were taken hostage. He went to free them and got his ass kicked so bad it damaged his brain, leaving him prone to violent outbursts.

If Casey Jones lived at the old Shredweiser house, even when Gumby was living there, he’d always be the craziest dude in the room.

Seeing his beloved city overrun by the filth that is crime—and after watching too many bad cop shows on TV— Casey become a vigilante, donning his iconic goalie hockey mask.

His choice of weapon is an Eastman hockey stick, but he’s also been known to use baseball bats, cricket bats, golf clubs, and even a croquet mallet, all kept neatly in a golf bag on his back.

He’s essentially what someone would outfit themselves with should they be locked in a Big 5 sporting goods store after the dollar collapses.

His skates, at least as they’re portrayed in the 2014 animated reboot, are retractable three-wheeled skates with a claw-like blades for the toe. (Blades on blades, right?)

There’s a hinge at the heel, so he can kick forward to put them on at a moments notice.

But this embarks on the first time when a live action Casey Jones has strapped up for the big screen. Normally, when Casey has appeared with blades on his feet it’s the teenage version of himself.

In real life, Amell is 34, like me. Still plenty of years left to blade.

The Skates Themselves

In the new movie, Casey Jones will be wearing the Valo V13.DS, better known as David Sizemore’s all black pro boot.

Our good friend at Rollerwarehouse David Hirt says the prop woman from Paramount purchased eight pairs and a bunch of pads a while back. (Daves on Daves, right?)

Maybe the production company needed eight pairs to trial-and-error their way to making the retractable skates.

In the trailer, however, it looks like they didn’t do too much fucking around with them other than some scrapes and white laces.

No Casey Jones I know would ever let a good pair of skates go without some quality wear and tear.

Personally, I don’t think there’s a better skate for Casey Jones. It’s cheap, it’s black, and David Sizemore is a TMNT fan.

David was pretty pumped to hear about this skate being used in the movie. (“Whattt!!!? That’s so wild!” was his exact expression.)

While David wasn’t a fan of the first one like many of us, he did say this little bit of new information might coax him into the theater to see it.

Oh, and David’s a Michelangelo fan “because he probably eats the most slices.”

“Pizza’s the base of my food pyramid,” he said.

Trying to Out-Skate a Rhino

Before we go any further, I would like to say Bebop and Rocksteady look great. Just top notch visuals so far.

So, there will be a scene where Casey is skating while being chased by Rocksteady.

I know Casey doesn’t have any super powers or mutant abilities, but if you’re going to try and out run a rhino, you better be good on the wheels, which it’s always smart to be a vigilante on blades.

Considering the average rhino’s top speed is around 31-34 miles an hour, and none are as agile as Bebop, it’s not impossible that he can peak around 40 mph. And then, of course, there’s always Bebop on his motorcycle right behind him.

Casey’s smart to use his smaller size and agility when it comes to those guys. Cut through cars and stuff to slow them down. Good call, bud.

On skates, well, I know I couldn’t get up that fast on my own. Hopefully we see Casey skitching or at least using the full advantage of his skates. What that means, I don’t know.

Will there be a trick? Most likely. Will he say “cowabunga” or “radical”? Well, it’s not in the character’s repartoire, but who knows how bad this could all be mucked up.

Sorry if I sound like an absolute pessimist, but fool me once…

Overall, it’s a good thing.

I’m pumped the movie put Casey on blades, that David’s skates are the ones the production company chose, but I can’t trust Michael Bay—whose not even directing this one but had to be sure his name was seen first in the trailers—with anything I love.

His movies make me feel like he’d start flirting with your girl the second you left to take a leak.

Overall, having Casey on skates and making them an affordable option will, without a doubt, open some kids eyes to blading, even if it’s just to cruise around.

And if they’re in New York City, all they need to do is find Jon Ortiz. He’ll get them started.

Now, if one of you would let me know who was the stunt double, I’d love to have him on the podcast.

Blade or Die,

— Brian Krans

P.S. — Don’t forget to check out The Rock Town Podcast, available on iTunes, Stitcher, and soon Google Play. We’ve got lots of great guests in the works.

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