Longtime habitues of this here shebeen will recall another one of our semi-regular weekly features called What Are The Gobshites Saying These Days?, which was a semi-regular weekly survey of the state of our national dialogue, which generally resembled what you'd get if you let baboons loose at the Royal Shakespeare Company. We revive it for a one-time only appearance because, this weekend, the small group of people still willing to go on television and defend El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago put on an ensemble performance of such glorious incompetence and mendacity that even the hosts of The Sunday Showz found themselves gagging on the undercooked codswallop they were being asked to swallow.

To sum up:

Stephen Miller, the White House dime-store Machiavelli, and not a man accustomed to daylight, went on Fox News with Chris Wallace, and Wallace tore him several new ones.

Rudy Giuliani, now performing on the national political stage as Trashcan Man from The Stand, went on ABC with George Stephanopoulos and had another public episode.

Rep. Jim Jordan went on CNN with Jake Tapper, and Tapper pantsed him.

Rep. Kevin McCarthy—the House Minority Leader, because what the hell, who else'd take the job anyway?—went on 60 Minutes with Scott Pelley, and Pelley skewered him with the president*'s own words.

And these guys are the best they've got. Wait'll Louie Gohmert and Matt Gaetz get to centerstage.

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Giuliani was insulting and wouldn't stop talking as Stephanopoulos tried to wrap up an interview in which the president's lawyer relentlessly pushed Biden/George Soros/Ukraine conspiracy theories pic.twitter.com/3x0JpLO5Kn — Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) September 29, 2019

The self-evident fact is that the Republicans have no defense for what is contained in the now infamous phone call between the president* and the President of Ukraine. The president* himself has sawn off the limb behind them—first, by releasing the summary of the conversation and then by confirming, over and over again, that the call happened pretty much as it was described in the summary, except that the summary didn't mention that it was a beautiful, perfect phone call. So now, their only line of defense, and the only way they can continue to avoid their clear constitutional duty, is to cover the wall with spaghetti that everybody knows is undercooked and swimming in botulism. And hope, I guess, that Mexico will pay to clean it up.

They also know that, no matter how narrowly focused the impeachment inquiry is, the Ukraine matter is an open doorway into all manner of scandals involving international bribery and extortion, the auction of American foreign policy for personal gain, and the gory details of how Russian ratfcking helped the president* become the president* and what he owes to whomever he owes it. They're not chess masters, this bunch, but they can see one move ahead in the game. They're all the next dinner special, and the wolves are at the door.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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