Wait… what the hell does that title say?

I ran a 5K? A 5K what? RUN!? Who runs? What the hell has happened here? Now, you wait just a god damned minute…

Ok, enough from 325lb Me-circa-2007… The reality here is that yes, I did in fact ‘run’ a 5K. Though defining it as a run would be a bit overzealous. I RAN about a mile of the 3.1… I jogged or otherwise walked quickly the majority of it, finishing in a stellar 38:36. Not bad for my first outing with absolutely zero training. Seriously, I did it. Here’s the results. Keep scrolling… keep scrolling… KEEEEEEEEP SCROLLING… THERE. Finished 409th and 52nd out of 55 for my group (male 30-39). Apparently 30 year olds run this and they run it well. The top finishers were all in this class apparently. My lovely wife ran this with me, competing in her second 5K (which she actually trains for). She was nice enough to not abandon me during our run and finished a second ahead of me. I even mapped my run.

So, how’d it ACTUALLY go? Well, my day started off with what felt like someone draining a snot bag into my chest… good way to start. I got ready with my wife and headed down to the starting area. It was COLD. Maybe just above freezing. Now, in the past, I’ve not faired well in cold weather exertion (unless it was hockey) so I was a little nervous about dying out there. I was also suffering from some butthurt earlier in the week. So, in my infinite wisdom, I had taken some stool softeners the day before. It didn’t occur to me until later in the night that this could have Uta Pippig like consequences during the run. So my goals were pretty much set in stone for this race: finish it, don’t die and most importantly DON’T SHIT YOUR PANTS WHILE RUNNING AT FULL SPEED. I think this should be everyone’s goal when running, don’t you?

Well, I accomplished those goals. I did not, in fact, shit my pants. I also completed a tertiary goal: finish the race in under 40 minutes. One goal I also surpassed was running for the longest distance non-stop. I completed the first 3/4 of a mile running up with the middle of the pack. At about the 1 mile marker, all that snot that was in my chest lovingly decided to introduce itself to my airways. The remainder of the race was budgeting running with jogging slowly and trying to hock up said snotballs without affecting anyone around me. In fact, for the first mile, I was ahead of my wife… but then I gassed out and she overtook me while slapping me HARD on my sore butthurt ass (without thinking of course). I expected her to just run the race the way she would, but I think another couple just ahead of us had her hanging back with me. This couple was being really supportive and the husband was pushing his wife to keep going and push through it, and I think she wanted to be supportive as well. around the 1.5mile marker I identified a person who I could try to keep pace with: a younger woman with a ‘running club’ shirt on that looked to be in good shape. If I could keep pace with her, I’d be happy. I kept pace with her, my wife kept pace with me and we finished 1 second ahead of each other.

When I crossed the finish line I wasn’t wasted. My legs didn’t hurt (yet), my feet didn’t hurt and I actually felt pretty good. My dad came out to see us start and finish, so it was nice to achieve that accomplishment with him there. I know my mom would have been proud to see me do that too.

I’d like to do another, but I’m going to wait until after it warms up a little. I really don’t want to kill myself slipping on ice and take myself out.

Now, I ran this almost 2 weeks ago, but was holding out for professional photos. Unfortunately, only one ever came up and it was blurry and the composition was shit and it wasn’t… so instead I’m using these taken by my family and friends. I even ruined the ‘post-race group photo’ by blinking STRONGLY. I was half tempted to photoshop googly eyes on myself, but I’m too tired.

Running time weight – 230lbs

Weigh in 12/20/12 – 228lbs (3lbs to go to my major goal weight)