Need to prepare for the next volume of the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY? Here's another colorful sci-fi movie about a gang of misfits on a mission in space…

Space Truckers (1996)

Director: Stuart Gordon

Stars: Dennis Hopper, Stephen Dorff, Debi Mazar

An intergalactic truck driver is tasked with delivering a secret payload to Earth, only to get mixed up with horny cyborgs, killer robots, and Stephen Dorff.

If you're not familiar with SPACE TRUCKERS, allow me to make a case for it with just one scene:

A young Charles Dance (Game of Thrones' Tywin Lannister) has coerced a female captive to go to bed with him in exchange for her freedom. As she lays in waiting, he removes his clothes to reveal a half-cyborg body that's more metal than human. A blue glow begins to shine from his crotch as he casually mentions, "I emit a low-amp electrical wang pulse designed to drive women wild with pleasure." He then pulls a cord and attempts to jump-start his genitals like a lawnmower, before embarrassingly excusing himself so he can tinker with the mechanics of his space penis: "I pray you allow me a few moments to coordinate my seldom-used reproductive sequencer."

Convinced? I thought so.



When Cyborg Tywin Lannister shows up to take the Iron Throne in Season 7, all bets are off.

It's not hard to see why SPACE TRUCKERS has enjoyed a cult following since its release two decades ago. Directed by Stuart Gordon, the genius behind fan favorites like RE-ANIMATOR, FROM BEYOND, and ROBOT JOX, the flick is a B-movie blast. It relies on colorful creativity and a carefree vibe to help you overlook any budgetary restrictions, in ways that are reminiscent of Awfully Good favorite THE ICE PIRATES. It may not have state-of-the-art special effects, but that doesn't stop the filmmakers from going for a zero-gravity love scene or from sucking "Cheers" star George Wendt ass-first in to outer space like the Newborn at the end of ALIEN RESURRECTION.



Does the lack of gravity make clean up easier or harder?

As the title suggests, SPACE TRUCKERS is more of a blue-collar sci-fi movie—complete with a southern-accented computer and a futuristic diner that looks like a truck stop Stanley Kubrick designed for 2001. It's something unique with a completely different look and feel than your average space epic. If you wondered what background characters on Tatooine might have been up to while Luke Skywalker was out saving the galaxy, this is the movie for you.



Is anyone else attracted to this robot? No, me neither.

While the setting is fun, a good chunk of the movie also has a horror element in the vein of ALIEN or PREDATOR (and thankfully not ALIEN VS PREDATOR). It's not really a spoiler to reveal that the cargo our heroes are carrying turns out to be unstoppable kung fu killing machines on their way to take over Earth. You'll have a good ol' time watching the army of mecha warriors slice, dice and disintegrate their way through nameless goons. Not to mention the design and execution of the robots (which utilized almost all female stunt performers) is truly great. When I watched STRANGER THINGS last year, something about the Demogorgon seemed familiar and I'm pretty sure it was this movie.



Dennis Hopper has a message for all the SUPER MARIO BROS. haters out there.

The cast is also completely game, which is crucial in a film like this. Dennis Hopper is so great as the sarcastic, irritable truck driver, delivering lines like "You know, for a son of a bitch, gimp rapist murderer... he died okay!" with the right amount of sincerity. Stephen Dorff and Debi Mazar spend most of the film in their underwear (thanks gratuitous plot device!), but have enough motivation and chemistry to feel like actual characters. However, you'll likely leave SPACE TRUCKERS remembering Charles Dance's aforementioned cyborg villain Macanudo, who is definitely the highlight. Not only are his robot prosthetics shockingly good, but Dance gives a regal, sympathetic performance that makes even the most foul or ridiculous parts of his character likable. Plus, he says "wang" in his British accent.



Everyone could only look on in shock at their impending careers after the year 2000.

It's a little cheesy and a lot goofy, but if you're a fan of this column, give SPACE TRUCKERS a shot. And for the love of God, will someone please give Stuart Gordon a large pile of money to make a new movie?



Oh, did I mention this movie also has square space pigs?

The best of Charles Dance's cyborg penis, the deadly mecha warriors, zero-gravity sex, and George Wendt getting sucked off... in to space.

Mostly Charles Dance talking about dicks and anuses.

Debi Mazar and Stephen Dorff spend pretty much their entire screen time in their underwear... so fun for the whole family!



Ready to obey the unwritten book of the road? Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:

Something floats in zero gravity

The killer robots kill someone

Someone takes their clothes off

Dennis Hopper says a great one-liner

Double shot if:

Charles Dance unsuccessfully attempts to start his penis

Thanks to Ben for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.