Dear Luc,

Wow… I never realized before just how long it’s been since I’ve written your name.

I think it almost every day, of course. And I still speak it all the time. Would you believe that Clara and Gus and I still tell stories about you? Maybe not as often as we used to… But you’re never far from our thoughts, even after all these years.

It’s so crazy to think that I’ve celebrated fifty birthdays without you… Fifty! And next week, it will be fifty-one. Sometimes I really can’t believe you’ve been gone for so long… It’s like you’re frozen in time. My cocky, handsome, talented brother. Forever young, just like that old Bob Dylan song you used to love so much.

It’s strange though… You’ve been gone for so long. We never got to grow old together. But somehow, I never think of you as being half a century younger than me. But maybe that’s because it’s still difficult to think of myself as so old.

Getting old is a funny thing, Luc. I wish you’d had the chance to know what it’s like. You see everyone you love grow and mature right before your eyes. You experience countless milestones, good and bad. You watch the world around you change. But you never really feel much different than you did when you were ten or twenty or even thirty years younger.

It isn’t until you look in the mirror that you realize you’ve changed too.

That’s one thing I like to think about sometimes. What would you be like, if you could be here right now? What would my eternally handsome and youthful brother have turned out to be?

I know you would have played your guitar for as long as you could have… But when would you have finally retired from music? How would you and Hazel have spent your golden years together?

Would the years have robbed you of your good looks, or enhanced them? Who would have gone grey first? You, or me? (Why do I feel like it would have been me? And that you would have teased me mercilessly for it?)

How healthy would you be? Would you get arthritis? Would your mind start to go like maman’s? Or would you be yourself until the end, like Papa?

I could go on and on about all the silly things I wonder about you. I ask myself those questions all the time. And I hate that I will never know the answer to any of them.

I made you a promise fifty years ago that I’d stop blaming myself for the way things ended up between us. And I’ve done all I can to keep it… But the guilt stopped being a problem a long time ago. Now it’s the anger. The frustration. The sadness. Those are what still haunt me.

You should be here, Luc.

You never even got the chance to lose your teeth or get arthritis or go grey. But you should have.

You should have been here to see your boy grow up.

To watch him fall in love with his wonderful wife.

To meet your beautiful granddaughter…

God, I’m so worried about her.

I’ll be honest… I think that might be the real reason I’m writing this. Some of it really was birthday nostalgia. But honestly, this letter is for me just as much as it is for you, Luc. This has all been weighing on me so much lately. And I don’t know who else I can turn to right now.

I’ve tried talking to Clara and Gus, and they’ve both shared some wonderful advice. But then I started to realize that I wasn’t really looking for any advice or opinions. I think I just needed to… talk. Or write, in this case. And I needed someone who would be willing to listen.

I’ve prayed to Mark so many times about this (Please thank him for letting me talk his ear off!). Maman and Papa too. Even Oma and Opa…

Then I realized who I was forgetting.

I’m not sure if you can see what’s going on down here from wherever you are… But it’s bad, Luc.

Zayne’s pushing Harper farther and farther away every day. He doesn’t realize it, but he is. Even now.

He means so well. He’s got so much love in his heart for that beautiful daughter of his… But he’s struggling. He always has, to be honest. Parenting doesn’t come easily for everyone. Trust me, I know that.

For years I’ve been doing my best to stand back and let Zayne and Hope parent their child their way. Harper is their daughter, not mine. And they should be free to make their own mistakes, shouldn’t they? Lord knows I was with Zayne and the girls…

I’ve nudged a bit here and there, of course. But it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I finally decided to really step in. I couldn’t stand by and watch anymore. I had to say something.

But I have a terrible feeling I was too late.

It’s hard to describe, but take it from someone who raised three teenage girls and used to be one herself… I can just feel something going on under the surface. And it’s something I’m not sure any of us can really stop.

I see so much of myself in her. And not in the way I’d want to.

You remember how things were back when I left Windenburg, don’t you? Back when everything fell apart? You were so awful to me. I know you know that. But I was awful too. Once I’d decided I was angry at you, there was no going back.

It didn’t matter what you said or did or how many times you tried to apologize. The damage had been done. I’d decided I was never going to forgive you, and I was too damn stubborn to let myself back down.

And it’s happening again, Luc. Harper’s just a lot better at hiding it than I was.

She’s made up her mind — Her parents are the bad guys. The ‘enemy’. And I fear there’s nothing they can do to change her mind about it.

I keep trying to warn Zayne and Hope, but they just don’t see it. They think it’s all going so well. And every time I try talking to Harper, she tells me the same. That everything’s fine.

I may be old, Luc, but I’m not senile yet. I know it’s not fine. And what’s worse, I’m not sure if there’s much any of us can really do about it.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking you for now. I’m not even sure what you can do from where you are… Send a little strength, maybe? Some guidance. For your son — no, our son. For our daughter-in-law too. But most importantly, for our granddaughter. She’s going to need it most of all.

I can feel the storm coming. It’s come for all of us sooner or later, hasn’t it? Oma, Papa, me, you, Clara, Zayne… None of us had it easy. And I’m afraid it might be Harper’s turn now.

Sometimes I still think back to that first ‘storm’ of ours. Or the first one we got to see first hand, at least. Do you remember? When things got bad between maman and Papa? When he almost cheated on her? Gus had no idea what was going on. But the two of us… We were so terrified!

And I’ll never forget what bis-vovó told us… “Our family’s strong. We’ll get through this. We always do.”

And she was right. And she’s been right ever since. The storm always passes. The clouds always clear. And they’ll clear for Harper too, someday.

I just worry about what she might have to face before they do.

But there’s no use worrying about the future now, is there? Mark was the one who taught me that. All I can do is keep trying my best to be there for her and her parents, and help them make it through whatever comes. I just hope that will be enough.

I suppose there isn’t much more to say. But being able to get this all out has already helped so much.

Thanks for listening, Luc. You were always so good at that.

Give my love to maman and Papa. Let Florian know I’m taking care of Clara for him. Thank Hazel for letting me be Zayne’s Mama for all these years. Tell Mark I miss him every single day. Snuggle our sweet little Levi for all of us.

And please, send us all a little light, if you can. We’re going to need it.

Happy early Birthday, Luc. I love you so much.

Always,

Joce

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I know this chapter feels very similar to Mari’s letter to Jonas… But this just felt right. I had to do it again!

And believe it or not, this was my 400th chapter of Ashes to Ashes, you guys! 😮

I feel like a crazy person for writing so many chapters about this family… And I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for reading the past 400 chapters and following along on this journey!

There are some amazing people who have been instrumental to the WRITING of these 400 chapters too! I have so many wonderful friends who proofread chapters for me, make builds or cc when I need them, let me bounce around ideas, and are just plain awesome. I’ve already given some of those awesome people shoutouts in the past, and today I will add thanks to a friend who’s jumped in a bit more recently and really helped me make my current generation possible…. cecerose0208 — You’re the best! ❤ )

Happy 400 Chapters, everyone 🙂 Here’s to 400 more..? (LOL JK OH GOD PLEASE NO)