As bunches and bunches of Faux Riley sites popped up today, it’s come to light that there is NO ONE like our Faux Pelini. I hope you can truly appreciate his talent and sarcasm. He really nailed it today. From Faux Pelini himself….

A letter from FauxPelini to Coach Mike Riley:

Hi. Congratulations on taking my job from me, I hope you’re happy with yourself. I know it’s not your fault BUT I HATE YOU ANYWAY. Even though you are mean, I’ve decided to tell you what you need to know about your new job. The best thing: UNLIMITED KHAKIS AND HOODIES. Check the walk-in closet behind Tim Miles’ office by the Coke machine. OH GOD I MISS IT SO. I’ve heard there is free bubble gum near Shawn Eichorst’s office, but nobody knows where that is. Most fans are good. Some are impatient, some are old and don’t like noise, but most are fine. The ones who leave early are ***holes, though.

IMPORTANT: DON’T HIRE YOUR BROTHER. OR AT LEAST MY BROTHER. — Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Your boss won’t give you a specific number of games you have to win to not get fired, but here’s a hint: IT’S AT LEAST TEN. When you finish in the Top 20, they will require you to start finishing in the Top 15. When you do that, the Top 10. And then the Playoff. And if you make the Playoff a couple of times but lose, TAKE A WILD GUESS ABOUT WHAT THEY WILL REQUIRE NEXT. So while they say they just want you to get the program over the hump, there are actually about 37 humps, EACH ONE WAITING TO MAKE YOU SAD. IMPORTANT: ASSUME ALL MICROPHONES ARE “HOT” EVEN WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THE ***HOLES WHO LEAVE GAMES EARLY. Especially then, actually. Oh–if people say that your real job is to lead young men & get high graduation rates & run a clean program, I WANT YOU TO LAUGH AT THEM. NO, I WANT YOU TO STAND UP AND POINT AT THEM AND LAUGH MANIACALLY UNTIL THEY CRY AND LEAVE THE ROOM. BECAUSE SUNDAY THEY HAD A 45 MINUTE PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT HOW I GOT FIRED FOR NOT WINNING ENOUGH GAMES AND CHAMPIONSHIPS. AND THAT WAS IT. OK, good luck I guess. If you have questions call me at 1-800-IM-GETTING-SEVEN-MILLION-DOLLARS-TO-NOT-WORK-SO-FIGURE-IT-OUT-YOURSELF-SUCKA.

Or maybe I’ll stick around for a little while to help you. I haven’t decided yet. — Fake Bo Pelini (@FauxPelini) December 4, 2014

Or maybe I’ll stick around for a little while to help you. I haven’t decided yet. BYE

I’m going to miss @FauxPelini immensely. His humor is fantastic! And his timing is even better. I’m working on trying to find a solution so we can still enjoy that crazy cat-loving guy. Thanks Faux Pelini!!!