Last Time on Singers Zing Singers!

A girl who should not have been alone in a concert that should not have happened got impaled by pieces of relics that should not have come off. After surviving an incident she should not have lived through, she goes to a private school with teachers who do not like her. After bunking with the wife she has yet to marry, she gets in a situation she didn’t realize sooner and saves a child who should not have been alone. She proceeds to activate powers that aren’t her own to fight monsters that aren’t native to the planet, which prompts her to be arrested for crimes she did not commit. After not actually going to jail, she’s recruited by something that isn’t a government agency. Her co-hort, realizing Hibiki is wearing an outfit that isn’t hers, and learning she was in a situation that could have been completely avoided, proceeds to hate her for all the wrong reasons. After Hibiki fights an enemy she didn’t kill, Tsubasa threatens to beat the teammate she never wanted.

Let us continue.

A month has passed. Neither Hibiki nor Tsubasa are working together, because Tsubasa fucking hates her guts, and can solo everything. Also, Hibiki has not received any real formal training.

Needless to say, she’s pretty fucking miserable.

“did i ever test her for combat prowess? mmmm. shoulda done that. whoops.”



In Hibiki’s defense, Tsubasa has a sword, and Hibiki has… nothing. Because no one has taught her anything. Against Hibiki’s defense, she explicitly chose to go directly into the battlefield without a lick of thinking. Whoops.

Strong gay energies emanate here.

Hibiki has a hard time catching Z’s. Mainly because she’s being a normal student by day, and a superhero by night. Not unlike Spiderman. Spiderman, strangely, has a stronger influence over anime than some might think. Fate Zero was inspired by Spiderman 2. Clearly, this is Spiderman 1.

Concerned noises.

“this is what snoop dogg must feel like”



“nananana…………. its the motherfucking d oh double gee…”



Hibiki passes out at the concerns of her much smarter girlfriend, as it flashes back to the moment Tsubasa challenged her to fight. Symphogear does many things, but if there’s one thing it doesn’t do, it’s blueball its viewers.

“thought i wasnt going to show several thousand viewers on tv how i kicked your ass, huh? you thought wrong, motherfucker.”



“aw shit, here we go again”



FATHERLY CONCERN INTENSIFIES

“i got money on the sword lady genjuro who ya thinks gonna win”



“ryoko you are the worst mother figure ever but i forgive you, because you’re baller. now if youll excuse me, i need to show some young women the timeout corner.”



Gendo energies intensify…

Hibiki, meanwhile, being sane, tries to convince Tsubasa that maybe fighting each other isn’t the way to go and that teamwork might be a better effort to focus on.

“nah just wanna kick your ass is all”



Tsubasa explains that she simply cannot accept working alongside an absolute scrub like Hibiki. Something to note is that Tsubasa is ignoring the typical rules of a swordfight by not offering her opponent a blade in turn; likely because she’s aware the gear can spawn a spear, though such a technicality is invalid if Hibiki can’t do it.

Metaknight would be dissapointed in you.

“claim gungir? the fuck are you on about? i didnt claim shit this whole thing happened because some weird dust got impaled in me and then i had to save a kid and then the transformers franchise ate me and oh great googly moogly its all gone to shit”



Tsubasa puts down her sword in contemplation, realizing that challenging Hibiki is the equivalent of threatening a baby with a knife for being born.

And Hibiki, needless to say, is a very big baby.

Tsubasa makes a great point in noting that Hibiki is not taking this as seriously as she should, and she should have probably stayed back to watch and learn, and also train before participating. Unfortunately, she then proceeds to trample on that point because she is unrepentantly gay.

“who the FUCK IS CANADA?!”



It seems the ass-kicking was not cancelled, and that Tsubasa was merely engaging in monologue theatrics briefly before jumping to swipe swiper for swiping Kanade’s gear. Of course, something stops her from landing the mother of all flying kicks.

“d…. DAD?!”



Let’s talk about this for a moment.

Something you need to understand is that there’s a lot of theories floating around about Genjuro. All those jokes about him being a Tekken character weren’t exaggeration. This dude fights. He fights hard. Literally the only reason why he’s not on the front lines fighting the Noise himself with his own bare fists is because he’s not immune to them, which implies he is mortal.

This dude blocked a blade several stories high with a single fist, against someone using a supernatural suit of armor that has abilities beyond your wildest dreams, and he is mortal. Let that rest in your brain. Let it marinate. There is nothing so far to indicate this dude is beyond human. He just trains in a dojo and watches action movies. He did that without breaking a sweat.

Dad doesn’t fuck around.

Tsubasa has likely snapped out of her Angst Dimension and has realized she may have potentially gone too far.

“go…



TO…

YOUR…

ROOM!”

“ow. ow. fuck. ow. how does he do it. how the fuck does he. ow. fuck. ow.”



“oh great. now tsubasa’s water metaphors are getting all over me. i know you miss her, but please. we have therapists.”



Hibiki could not begin to comprehend how much in deep shit she was.

“shit maybe i hit the sword a bit too hard. tsubasa’s lying on the floor there. aw fuck. goddamnit. i need to work on my dad skills. goddamnit.”



Tsubasa is crying, but she blames it on the water metaphors all around her face.

“I’M NOT CRYING DAD ITS JUST THE METAPHORS OF ME MISSING MY HOT RED HEADED GIRLFRIEND OKAY DAD CAN A BITCH NOT HAVE HER WATER METAPHORS GOD”



“DON’T WORRY TSUBASA THE WATER METAPHORS DONT BOTHER ME IN FACT THEY REALLY EXFLOIATE MY SKIN PLEASE BE MY FRIEND TSUBASA”



“THERE IS NO AMOUNT OF WATER METAPHOR OR HOMOSEXUALITY IN THE WORLD THAT CAN EVER MAKE ME CONSIDER YOU TO BE ANYTHING MORE THAN A NUISANCE, AN ACQUAINTANCE, AND WHATEVER ELSE ENDS IN AN ANCE.”



“i will not now nor ever understand the level of gay teenage angst that is going on right now, but i must say; hibiki’s right. these water metaphors really do exfoliate the skin well.”



Hibiki then says the absolute worst thing you could ever say to someone. Like, the worst. The absolute goddamn worst thing on the planet. Hibiki. Hibiki, please. For fuck’s sake, Hibiki. Hibiki, she JUST lectured you on this. She spent a pure monologue threatening you about the nature of this, Hibiki. Hibiki, you KNOW they were a duo, Hibiki. You went to their concert, Hibiki.

Hibiki’s ass is kicked. The prophecy is fulfilled.

“DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE FUCKING WATER METAPHORS?!”

“if i could go back in time… and redo that whole thing… i’d probably ask her… ‘what the fuck is a metaphor’.”



“you’re my new best friend, sword.”



“yeah. just you and me. chilling in some good ol’ angsty flashbacks.”



Tsubasa, while meditating in her dojo, thinks back to her final moments with Kanade, resolving the flashback syndrome going on right now and filling us in with some context.

“mightve overdone it a bit there. mightve gone a bit ham.”



Might want to redo your last words there, Kanade. Come on, give it another shot. Go on, no judgement. I’m sure you can do better than belittling your girlfriend.

“fuck, im so hungry. aight, time to die now, peace”



This is probably one of the worst last words in the history of anime. But, this may be due to awkward wording on the show’s part. To explain: The reason Kanade says that is mainly because she’s spent the majority of her life singing due to combat in terms of fighting the Noise. But, she never felt satisfaction fighting the Noise. She drew true satisfaction from saving people; hence her sacrifice with saving Hibiki. That’s why she says singing leaves you hungry; it’s because singing along for no purpose isn’t fulfilling.

It’s still dumb as shit, though. Poor Tsubasa got insulted and baffled at the same time. Thanks buddy.

“im not a little bitch, kanade. im not a little bitch, kanade. *sniffle* im not a little bitch… im not a little bitch…”



Tsubasa attacks a candle, blames herself for everything, and takes a nap.

Meanwhile, Hibiki has to bail on her girlfriend to go do secret things.

Her face knowing the contrived foreshadowing of Miku getting upset with her over real stupid bullshit that could be explained to her without consequence.

“i know you’re not cheating on me because you’re too dumb to cheat but the script says you are and i want to get paid so i have to shoot you this look of concern and mild displeasure, sorry”



The room radiates the kind of gay tension you see from bickering same-sex couples who keep their displeasure in very subtle, passive-aggressive remarks and glances. Truly an immersive experience.

“you know, ive seen this kind of sketpical inquistion from spiderman films”



Miku agrees to cover for Hibiki so long as Hibiki shows up with her to see the meteor shower. Hibiki, excruciatingly familiar to the concept of rocks hurtling to hit places at high speeds, agrees.

She knows it’s gonna explode in her face, though.

“this b plot sucks”



Hibiki self-reflects while Miku helps her put on some long-sleeved clothes, and understands to herself that she’s genuinely a mess and needs to get her shit together. She’s failing her classes, letting down the 2nd Division, and her marriage is falling apart with dumb secrets. Dear lord, lady. Get it together!

Gay worry intensifies…