Saturday, 15

It’s just past midnight here. That means 2am for you. I’m praying you’re asleep. I don’t have the strength to see your response tonight. I know that “having a broken heart” is supposed to be a metaphor, but tonight the pain is so very real. My chest is aching and I can’t breathe. It took hours to get the words out. Hours to type just a few sentences. I couldn’t find the right way to say goodbye. How could I? How do you walk away from 7 years? You don’t. You run. Otherwise, there’s too much time to reconsider. Too much time to forgive. So, you run. Of course, the words are flowing freely now. Not like I would have said any of this to you anyway. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I already was. And yet, I wanted your heart to break too. I wanted you to hurt as badly as I was. As badly as I am. I wanted to blame you for everything. God knows you’ve done it to me. But, I didn’t. I couldn’t. As much as you deserve it… I could never do that to you. I love you. I love you and you destroy me. Is that really even love? Did you know what you were doing? Dear god, please tell me you didn’t know. Tell me it wasn’t deliberate. That I didn’t spend 7 years with someone who was only pretending to love me. You were never like that before. The manipulation, the guilt trips, the cruel words when you weren’t getting what you wanted. That was new. What happened to you? What happened to my guy? He disappeared and you were never the same. I tried. I tried so damn hard to be who you wanted me to be. I lost you. Over and over again, I lost you. I need you in my life. I don’t know how to do this without you. What do I do now? I can’t breathe.