By spring, the Dutch airline KLM plans to allow all intercontinental passengers to choose their seatmates based on data uploaded from Facebook and other sites. Of course, the most desirable seatmate of all remains one’s own carry-on. To achieve this rarest of travel triumphs, simply create an indelible anti-social-networking presence. The Platonic ideal of an alienating Facebook profile — one that will keep potential seatmates far, far away — should look something like this:

Basic Information

Name: Juli Weiner.

Birthday: May 31, 1988.

Relationship status: It’s complicated.

Occupation: Perfume, cologne and bathroom-spray human test-subject (2007 to present).

Activities and Interests

Interests: Unpredictable and decontextualized screaming; stretching; trying to remember the lyrics to that Archies song; cracking my knuckles; licking my lips; humming; whistling; this game I made up that involves sticking my index finger in people’s mouths when they yawn and pulling it out before they bite down again.

Image Credit... Thomas Ng

Favorite quotations: “Is that noise normal?” “That weird guy keeps going up to use the bathroom but I didn’t even see him drink any soda or anything,” “The pilot looks so young” and “Sorry, do you mind moving your hand just a bit? I think you’re technically now touching my side of the armrest.”