I am an actor. At one time a confession like this seemed dirty. Acting was my shameful hidden secret and whenever the subject was approached, cue me shifting my feet, scratching my arm, and trying to mumble something coherent. “Have you been in anything” would most certainly be the next question.

“Not really,” I would say.

“Oh…”

Silence…

Silence… and more silence until the topic fades.For some reason discussing Rhonda the actor has always been difficult. Acting had somehow become a dirty word.

Over the course of my career I have dealt with it all from “why do you want to be an actor, are you trying to be famous,” to “you’ll be a starving artist, what’s your back up plan”? Hiding myself seemed way easier.Before I learned to keep a tight lip on my performance aspirations I offered my soul to critics left and right. I was hopeful, eager and willing to talk. However the more I spoke the more I was met with an inglorious reminder that acting is not a career. Truthfully I never believed I would be a star. My biggest goal was to be that girl who was in that thing. More importantly I wanted to do what I loved, all “fame” aside.

Despite my best intentions, I didn’t my give my heart 100% to the pursuit. I couldn’t escape the “you’re going to fail” speech that seemed to followed me everywhere I went. Add that to my own fears and presto the perfect blend of self destructive thoughts! My only safe haven was with other artists who understood my plight. We tended to have similar stories: usually us against a world of doubters. The most we could do was encourage one another.

There were other reason why I didn’t give 100% to the craft:

I wanted certainty and that wasn’t something this career path would offer. There was no rule that said if I tried this for x amount of years I would be successful. As my idol Steve Carell put it “It took me ten years to become an overnight success.” He had the stomach for 10 years, did I? I didn’t want to waste my youth chasing stardom only to realize I was 40 with nothing to show. I didn’t want to be financially unstable. Growing up my family didn’t have much and it instilled in me a need to succeed, especially financially. By the time I reached adulthood I was ready to live and not scrape by. I was scared as hell. In L.A. I met people on all sides of the success spectrum. The first was the lucky duck who within the span of six months, got an agent and starred in his own TV show. His name is Chuck or that was his show… I also knew people who had been working for six years with no sign of success. I feared myself the latter. I hated the idea of others saying I told you so. I genuinely believed if I didn’t try, that would always be my reason. “Well I didn’t try so I didn’t fail.” Seriously to chase a Hollywood actor’s career you can’t be held down by these things.

Whether or not I went full steam doesn’t change that fact that I’m a performer. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if someone recognizes me, my passions are the same. On an average day I sit behind a desk but what I’ve learned to accept it I will remain creative whether or not I ever reach star status.

At 27 I have accomplished several milestones. Five years ago I couldn’t have imagined that I would earn my SAG card or be cast in at least one major commercial, packed with residuals and all. I am an actor and no I am not a star. I’m learning to accept myself and the fact that acting is not a dirty word. It makes me come alive. Of course the dream is to making a living from the dream but I enjoy whenever I have the opportunity to showcase my skills. I am proud of every student film, every ounce of community theatre, every non-union gig and yes, even seeing SAG principal performer written on my pay stub. YES! I am an actor. I carry this knowing with me nearly every place I go. It lingers in the crevices of my mind. It haunts my waking dreams and has become a delicious ball and chain. Yes, I act and it is my passion, of this I am not ashamed.

(Stay tuned as I explore the mysteries of my mind. Up next, the world creative careers. Leave me a thought: what kind of career do you think would suit me?)