Dear Bama Hammer,

Imagine my surprise when getting online this morning and seeing an open letter from my good friend, mentor, and Floridian, Charles Evans. Evans, who goes by the name BanditRef as you Razorback fans reading this will learn, is an editor at BamaHammer.com and also makes cartoons because of course he does.

Thank you for the proposal to only beat us by 50 points this year, Bandit. I like how you completely ignored the 14-13 win you got last year and instead went back to the John L. Smith era. Bama fans certainly like to dwell in the past. And by dwell I mean alter. The University of Alabama is the Texas State School Board of college football. You just change history to fit your current agenda. More from Razorbackers Arkansas Razorbacks Football: Georgia Week Realistic Expectations

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Let me go through and answer some of your questions before I pose some of my own. (I’ll put my questions in bold to make it easier for you.) Why is our mascot a Razorback? Uh, because Hogs are badass. They are dangerous and smart. This isn’t Charlotte’s Web, bro. This is a Razorback. I actually can’t even post most videos of the Hogs attacking because they’re too violent. Which brings me to my question about your mascot: How and why did an elephant come to represent red water? Why is your mascot red water in the first place? Wouldn’t it make more sense to use the kool-aid man?

I do think Arkansas has a chance in this game, because despite the Razorback’s record so far, they’ve been within arms reach of a victory in every game. The Hogs are suffering from massive injuries, but have shuffled their defense around to successfully fill some gaps. The fact is, as good as Alabama has looked this year, your offense is not as dynamic as A&M’s, or even Texas Tech’s. The Tide, just like the Hogs, run first. And Arkansas has a top 20 run defense. So there’s definitely a shot for the Hogs in this game. Obviously, most people think Alabama will roll Arkansas in this game, so instead of asking you about the Tide’s chances, let me ask you this: Do you think Arkansas has a shot in this game?

An elephant eats 250 pounds of vegetation a day. Thanks Snapple! I’m not sure how much we’re feeding Bret Bielema, but I can assure you that none of it is vegetation. It’s mostly Petit Jean bologna, fried catfish, and cheese curds imported from Madison, Wisconsin. We all know that an average Saban eats 2 oatmeal cream pies in a day. But how many cream pies does Joey Freshwater eat?

The Duggars have teamed up with Mike Huckabee to embarrass the state of Arkansas. I have no comeback for this. Point, Bandit. However, I do find it odd that the state of Alabama doesn’t have their own reality show idiot for the world to laugh at. We have the Duggars, Louisiana has the duck folk, and Georgia has Honey Boohoo. Florida even has Jeb Bush! All that you’ve given us is Paul Finebaum. Step your game up, Alabama.

The Walton family has been good to the University of Arkansas, that is true. If you want to learn more about how to be a successful businessperson in America, I would recommend attending the Walton College of Business at the UofA. And yes, Wal-Mart has a bit of a reputation around the world, but I’d rather be attending the Walton College of Business than the George Wallace School for Historical Racism. Congratulations on finally integrating your Greek communities, guys. How has campus been since integration?

Pepsi is the root cause of all the Razorbacks problems. I proved it in this piece of investigative journalism here. Again, I have no counter. Another point for you, Charles. But don’t pretend like there isn’t a large swathe of your fellow Tidesmen that would love to have Mountain Dew at the football games. Nothing pairs better with meth and badly grilled burgers like Mountain Dew. (That is actually the proposed state motto for West Virginia, but I’m going to use it here.)

Jon Gruden was never going to be our coach. The Razorback fanbase can be a little crazy at times. Not as crazy as your fanbase, however. If you lose to Arkansas, what are the chances that Saban gets fired after the game? Also, if Alabama doesn’t win 10 games this season, what are the chances that Kiffin gets promoted to head coach and Saban goes to the NFL?

Losing over and over is the worst. It’s a lot like waking up in Alabama every day. You hope something good will happen, but it never does. Sure, you have some good times, but when you’re left alone in your room at night, staring at the ceiling…it gets a little dark. That feeling of “I’m never getting out of Dothan.” And then you roll over and realize your alarm is going to go off in 3 minutes and you haven’t slept a wink. And every day, you just hope that something heavy falls on your head and kills you because you’d like to ask God why he has forsaken you to be cursed to live this waking nightmare of being in Alabama…why has he abandoned you? Losing a lot of games is like that but not forever, just on Saturdays and some Sundays if it’s an overtime game.

Am I a masochist? Don’t bring your SEC themed 50 Shades of Grey fan fiction into this. Yes, Charles, we’ve all seen the email with your first chapter. You have an unnatural obsession with Houston Nutt, and also with feet. Please stop sending your writing and for the love of God stop sending me drawings.

What Ninja Turtle am I? Clearly I’m Leonardo. I’m an ambitious, aggressive, yet pragmatic leader. We all know that you’re Michelangelo, so I don’t need to echo the question back to you. So instead I’ll ask “If you could pick a mascot for your team would it be an elephant or the Crimson Tide?” Seriously, you damn Alabama schools with your multiple mascots.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to your answers, most of which will be Lynyrd Skynyrd lyrics shouted at me by people from the middle of your state who are wearing Salt Life shirts for some reason.