Well, well, well, America. You're so much less awful than I thought. With horror stories of suppression and fuckery being whispered from Ohio to Florida, many nervous Obama voters braced for the worst yesterday, only to be rewarded with what basically amounts to the election equivalent of the pony they thought Santa would never bring them. And while the President, marriage equality and marijuana legalization fared well, no one fared worse than the group of nutty candidates we've affectionately come to know as Team Rape. Let's take a look at just how badly the rape cookie crumbled.

There were the obvious big losses — Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin lost in Missouri and Richard "Rape Pregnancy is a Gift from God" Mourdock got his Tea Party ass handed to him in Indiana, but even the politicians who don't bat cleanup on Team Rape didn't do so great yesterday.


Roger Rivard

Team Rape Stats: In response to a rape case where a 14-year-old girl was held down and sexually assaulted in her school band room, Wisconsin State Rep. Roger Rivard told a newspaper that his father once gave him some great advice: "some girls rape easy." So be careful who you hold down and forcibly have sex with in the band room, guys!

Race: Rivard was running for reelection against Democrat Stephen Smith.

Result: In a race that was only decided by 582 votes, Smith eeked out a victory. Some legislators lose easy.


Allen West

Team Rape Stats: West's rape credentials could easily be disputed — after all, even though the Florida Tea Partier is certifiably crazypants (please don't try to talk to him about Muslims), he did disavow Todd Akin's "legitimate rape" remarks shortly after he made them. But West has been a vocal supporter of such measures as the now-infamous Let Women Die Bill, which would have allowed hospitals to refuse emergency abortion care to women on religious grounds. And while he sternly shook his head and wagged his finger at Todd Akin, he was among the Congressmen in support of "forcible rape" terminology. Apropos of nothing, I saw him at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, and he totally looked at my boobs for several seconds. A creepy, creepy man.

Race: West was one of the Tea Party's loudest shouters, a black, male Michele Bachmann beloved by braying idiots and derided by normal people.

Result: In a totally nasty, hard-fought race, political newcomer Patrick Murphy defeated West by less than 1,000 votes. You might call it the Let Allen West's Political Career Die Act.


Michele Bachmann

Team Rape Stats: Bachmann has echoed the Republican talking point that pregnancy as the result of rape is "very rare." (No word on whether the female body as ways to shut that whole thing down) She believes in Personhood, but has made a point of saying that a personhood amendment to the constitution should contain an exception for women undergoing In Vitro Fertilization. But not rape victims.

Race: Bachmann's one of the House's most prestigious and embarrassing conservatives, and faced a tough, expensive battle against businessman Jim Graves.

Result: After it looked like her seat might slip away from her, Bachmann barely won a 4th term. But the Congresswoman likely has a big blue target on her back come 2014.


Paul Ryan

Team Rape Stats: He's referred to rape as a "method of conception." Least fun method of conception ever! Ryan has also teamed up with Todd Akin to sponsor legislation that would make it more difficult for rape victims to access abortion care.

Race: Ryan promised to act like Dick Cheney if his running mate Mitt Romney was elected President. He was also running for reelection in his House seat.

Result: Paul Ryan will continue to besmirch the good last name of Ryan in the House of Representatives, but he won't be taking his rape show to the White House.




Linda McMahon

Team Rape Stats: During a debate this year, McMahon clarified that she believed that hospitals should be required to provide emergency contraception to victims of "emergency rape." Not Team Rape's most enthusiastic player, but a player nonetheless. Put her in right field.

Race: McMahon spent approximately eleventyseven bajillion dollars on her Senate campaign in Connecticut. She ran against a boring white guy who looks like Connecticut Ken named Chris.

Result: Connecticut Ken wins.


Rick Berg

Team Rape Stats: (see left)



Race: Berg ran for Senate in North Dakota against Heidi Heitkamp. Charming twist! In radio commercials, he referred to as Heidi-ho!

Result: Heitkamp is ahead in vote counts, but Berg isn't conceding. Guess he doesn't really believe that life begins at concession.


Richard Mourdock

Team Rape Stats: Said during a debate that he believes that rape pregnancies are a gift from God. But if God knows everything, then why can't He predict which rape victims would have abortions? I guess Mourdock's God's omnipotence only extends to things that men do.

Race: Mourdock was running for Senate in Indiana on the "all of my friends are insane and therefore I assume that the rest of America is similarly insane" ticket.

Result: Mourdock loses a seat that was held by a Republican.


Tom Smith

Team Rape Stats: Here's Pennsylvania Senate candidate Tom Smith explaining how getting raped and becoming pregnant is sort of exactly like being the father of a daughter who has a baby out of wedlock.




Race: Smith ran against Bob Casey, in what was expected to be a tight race.

Result: Casey kicked Smith's ass. Out of wedlock.

Steve King

Team Rape Stats: Crazy Iowan Steve King told reporters earlier this year that he's never heard of a woman becoming pregnant as a result of rape or incest, and so rape and incest exceptions to abortion law are silly. I bet he also believes that when he closes his eyes, all of the people in the room around him disappear.

Race: King was running for reelection to his House seat.

Result: King won. The sole member of Team Rape to get through the 2012 election reckoning relatively unscathed.


Joe Walsh

Team Rape Stats:"Outside of the very rare circumstances such as ectopic pregnancies, and other rare health issues, the research is pretty clear that with the advances in modern medicine, an invasive and traumatic procedure like an abortion is not necessary to save the life of a mother," says Joe Walsh.

Race: Ranting Tea Party favorite Walsh was running for reelection in Illinois' 17th district against disabled Iraq War vet Tammy Duckworth.

Result: Duckworth wins. Bye, Joe Walsh.


Rick Santorum

Team Rape Stats: Supports forcing rape victims to give birth to their rapists' babies. Like Richard Mourdock, has said that rape pregnancies are a gift from God. (But what if the rape victim gives birth to a gay baby?! WHAT THEN?!)

Race: Rick Santorum was running for President. Remember that? That was hilarious.

Result: LOL.




Scott Brown

Team Rape Stats: But what is Scott Brown doing on this list? You might ask. While he's spent much of his recent political career talking like a moderate but voting like Paul Ryan, during his tenure as a state legislator, he sponsored legislation that would have allowed hospitals to refuse rape victims emergency contraception based on religious beliefs. Magic > bodies.

Race: Brown was running for reelection to his Senate seat against liberal supershe-ro Elizabeth Warren.

Result: Brown lost.


While discussing last night's results with a friend, she made an astute observation that future politicians might want to make note of before they start running their mouths about rape: Don't start none, won't be none.


Now let's all go smoke weed at our gay abortion marriages.