Victim Blaming

Many of us have become in large part inured to those who appear unable to manage their more “shameful” states of being (quotes incorporated as there is nothing at all “shameful” about emotionally difficult confrontations). Some of us laugh at these individuals, as if we are somehow superior. Others of us dismiss them for being “weak,” or ill-equipped to life’s usual stressors, as if the rest of us are entitled to blame them for their “deficiencies” (in quotes for the same reason).

And we would be wrong, in all of the above instances.

Sensitivities differ among us all. We either pride ourselves on our durability, or toughness, or curse ourselves for the opposite. If a close family member found themselves in real trouble, would you be upset? If you were raped, would you be able to get on with your day to day the following morning?

If your child is ill, do you have a right to tell your friend or associate that your family is going through “tough times?”

I have a friend who had recently been called “free of cancer” after a horrific two-year battle. He posted a Facebook Live video between surgeries, and bemoaned the fact that many of his close friends abandoned him. Few calls, less visits.

His very sincere anger led to a mutual abandonment. “Fuck you, too” was the expressed message. Thing is, I felt horrible watching the video as I hadn’t called him either. I was not abandoning him, but I assumed he was busy enough dealing with his cancer and didn’t want to be bothered.

I called him and left a message. I didn’t hear back.

A month or so later, I saw on Facebook that he was having a party at his house, in celebration of a health-related victory. I responded in the affirmative that I would show up. I attended with my wife, and told my friend why I hadn’t called. He understood. We were cool.

But what a misguided assumption I had made! He needed friends around him. He was not complaining for the sake of complaining. He certainly had reason.

To those others who did leave him once he got sick, I’ll reiterate my friend’s message:

“Fuck you.”

(Note: He is now cancer-free.)