TW: satirical, but graphic descriptions of reproductive health issues

I want a government so small, it fits inside my uterus.

I am just a lady, with a lady brain, so I need a government to get up in my uterus and tell me what to do with it.

After all, it’s not like my compulsory education also guarantees me the right to medically-accurate information! Who knows what kind of blatant lies I learned in school, public or private? Maybe my teacher told me that condoms almost always fail. Maybe my teacher shared a story that basically depicted rape except painted it as the problems with premarital sex. Who knows?! With big government abstinence-only educational problems, anything goes!

Except medically-accurate information in 31 states. That’s just crazy talk. No one wants a government so big that it requires educational programs to be factual!

So obviously I am unequipped to make any decisions over my own body. Luckily, a whole bunch of politicians, including several presidential candidates, want to shrink the government. Yay shrinkage! Then the government will be so small that if a doctor is compelled by law to give me a trans-vaginal ultrasound without my consent, the doctor can shove the government up my vagina too.

We already have a government small enough that crisis pregnancy centers have almost total freedom. Silly ladies with unexpected and unwanted pregnancies don’t know anything. Crisis pregnancy centers do whatever necessary to guide silly ladies to the right path. If they need to lie or misrepresent themselves, why not? Alas, some states want huge, massive, restrictive government that forces crisis pregnancy centers to tell the truth. That is just ridiculous.

Politicians aren’t the only one helping my lady brain make decisions that I’m not equipped to make. In the grand state of Georgia, pharmacists can choose not to fill my prescriptions. Georgia is one of 12 states that realizes that women, even with the advice of doctors, lack both the intelligence and the morality to take the right prescriptions.

I am SO grateful that if a pharmacist disagrees with my doctor’s recommendation, that pharmacist can just refuse to fill my prescription. These models of morality martyr themselves by staying in careers where they continue to receive a paycheck for not fulfilling their job description.

What would I do without a government so small, it fits inside my uterus?

I don’t know.

Get a college degree.

Progress in my career.

Not depend on public assistance.

Have a happy marriage.

But what do I know?

I’m just a lady!





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