BUTTERS, OH, BUTTERS ! COULD YOU COME SEE ME INMY STUDY REAL QUICK ? HEY, DAD. COME HERE, SON, I WANNAHAVE A TALK WITH YOU. WELL, SURE THING, DAD. SON, I WANT TO TALKTO YOU ABOUT LYING. OH, I KNOW LYING'S BAD, DAD,YOU TOLD ME SO. YES, IT SURE CAN BE. BUT, THERE ARE ALSO TIMES WHEN DISTORTING THE TRUTHA LITTLE IS APPROPRIATE. THESE ARE CALLED"LITTLE WHITE LIES". LITTLE WHITE LIES ? YOU SEE, SOMETIMES TELLINGA LITTLE WHITE LIE IS OKAY. LIKE, FOR INSTANCE, WHENYOU CATCH YOUR FATHER JACKING OFF IN A GAYMEN'S BATH HOUSE. WHO'S JACK ? BUTTERS, THE POINT IS THAT I THINK IF YOU TOLD MOMMYWHAT DADDY WAS DOING TONIGHT SHE MIGHT GOCOMPLETELY INSANE. OH, NO, THATWON'T HAPPEN, DAD. IT WON'T ?ALL RIGHT, GOOD. NO, BECAUSE I ALREADYTOLD MOM AND SHE'S FINE. YOU WHAT ? BUTTERS, MOMMY WANTS TO TAKE YOUFOR A LITTLE DRIVE NOW. A DRIVE, OH BOY ! I LOVE A GOOD DRIVE.IS DAD COMING TOO ? NO, SWEETIE, DADDYNEEDS TO SIT AND THINK. ALL RIGHT, SEE YOUIN A BIT, DAD. OH BOY, A DRIVE.

NO-- "DEAR LYINGSON OF A BITCH !" NO. "DEAR ASS-FACE"--YES, THAT'S IT. "I WILL NO LONGER--" LINDA, WHAT AREYOU DOING ? STAY AWAY FROM ME,BASTARD ! LINDA, I KNOWTHIS IS VERY HARD. YOU DON'T KNOWANYTHING ! I'VE BEEN WANTING TO STOPGOING TO THOSE PLACES, LINDA, BUT I COULDN'T,I STILL LOVE YOU. THEN WHY, CHRIS, WHY ? IT JUST, IT STARTED AS SOMECURIOSITY ON THE INTERNET. I WOULD CHAT WITH OTHER MARRIEDGUYS IN THE CHAT ROOMS. AND WELL, THE THINGS THEYWOULD TALK ABOUT, LINDA. I DON'T KNOW WHY I FOUND ITEXCITING, I JUST DID. AND IT GREW FROM THERE ANDSPUN OUT OF CONTROL. AND... DAMN YOU,INTERNET ! YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRYABOUT YOUR FAMILY BEING IN YOUR WAY ANYMORE ! NO, LINDA, I DON'TWANT THAT LIFESTYLE ! IT'S JUST KIND OFAN ADDICTION. I WANT HELP, AND I'MGOING TO GET HELP. PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A CHANCETO MAKE THIS ALL UP TO YOU. WE CAN HAVE A NORMAL LIFE. THERE IS NOGOING BACK, CHRIS. SURE THERE IS. NO, OUR SON IS DEAD ! WHAT ? I KILLED HIM. I WAS GOING TO END IT ALL AND EVERYTHING SPUNOUT OF CONTROL FOR ME. I DROWNED BUTTERSIN THE CAR, CHRIS ! OH, NO. NO, NO, JESUS, LINDA,WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ? I WASN'T THINKING !! I COULDN'T THINK. YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE, YOU ! GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE ? OH, BUTTERS ! THIS CAN'TBE HAPPENING. THIS IS A BAD DREAM. JUST GO AWAYAND LET ME DIE ! NO, LINDA, WE-- I'M A MURDERER, CHRIS,I DON'T HAVE A LIFE NOW ! LINDA, BUTTERS IS GONE. OH, CHRIST. IF BUTTERS IS GONE THEN, THERE'S NOTHINGWE CAN DO ABOUT THAT. BUT I WON'T LET YOUGO TO JAIL, I PROMISE. LINDA, PLEASE. ( both wailing ) OH BOY, THIS THINGAIN'T NEVER GONNA STOP. I MUST BE ALL THE WAYDOWN TO DENVER BY NOW. OH, WHOOPEE ! FINALLY. WELL, NOW THAT THE CARHAS COME TO A STOP IT'S SAFE FOR ME TOUNFASTEN MY SEATBELT. BOY, MOM MUST BE WORRIED SICKABOUT ME RIGHT NOW. I GOTTA GET BACK HOME. GEE WHIZ,WHERE THE HECK AM I ?

OUR SON HAS BEENRETURNED TO US. ( cheers & applause ) ( man )ALL RIGHT ! BUTTERS WAS MISSING ? BUT, THAT ISN'T ALLWE HAVE TO SAY. YOU SEE, WE LEARNED A VERYIMPORTANT LESSON TONIGHT. AND IT TOOK THE SMARTS OFOUR YOUNG SON TO SHOW US. YEAH ! WE'VE LEARNED THATDECEPTION IS WRONG. AND THAT THE ONLY THING TOEVER MAKE IT RIGHT AGAIN IS TO COME CLEAN. YEAH ! YOU SEE, I'VE BEEN DECEIVINGMY WIFE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. I WAS GOING TO GAYMOVIE AND BATH HOUSES AND HAVING SEX WITH RANDOM MENWHO WERE COMPLETE STRANGERS. YEA--WAIT, WHAT ? HA HO ! AND WHEN I FOUND OUTI WENT CRAZY. I WENT CRAZY AND I DROVE MY SONINTO THE LAKE TO KILL HIM. UH, K-KILL ME ?JESUS CHRIST ! DAMN, DUDE. SO YOU SEE, THERE WAS NOSOME PUERTO RICAN GUY. HE DOESN'T EXIST. AND SO THE PEOPLE WE OWETHE BIGGEST APOLOGY TO ARE THE RAMSEYS, CONGRESSMANCONDIT AND O.J. WE GAVE YOU FALSE HOPE FOR FINDING THE PERSON WHOHURT THOSE CLOSE TO YOU AND WE'RE SORRY. NOW WE'RE JUST HAPPY WE WON'THAVE TO LIVE A LIFE OF SECRETS. FOR I KNEW THAT EVEN THOUGHSOME OF YOU SUPPORTED US SOME OTHERS WERE LOOKINGAT ME AND THINKING, "YOU'RE A LIAR !YOU'RE A LIAR ! "YOU KNOW SOMETHING THATYOU'RE NOT TELLING US, YOU SLIMY SCUMBAG, LIAR !" Y'KNOW, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLEWOULD SAY TO ME. AND THEN WOULD SEE MY WIFEIN THE SUPERMARKET. AND THEY WOULD SAY, "HELLO,"BUT THEY'D BE THINKING, "AH, THERE GOESTHAT... MURDERER ! "YOU GOT AWAY WITH MURDER, YOU MURDERING, LYINGWASTE OF LIFE !" AND TO ME, PEOPLE MIGHTSAY THINGS LIKE, "LIAR ! TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW,YOU GOD DAMN LIAR !" AND SO TO BOTH OF US PEOPLE ALL OVER TO TOWNWOULD BE SAYING THINGS LIKE, "YOU KNOW GOD DAMN WELLWHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KID "SO STOP ACTINGLIKE VICTIMS "AND CONFESS, YOUMURDERING MURDERERS ! CONFESS, LIAR, CONFESS !" Y'KNOW, AND THAT'S WHAT PEOPLEWOULD BE SAYING TO US. AND SO WE JUST HAD TO COMEFORWARD AND TELL THE TRUTH. WE'RE SORRYWE LIED TO YOU ALL. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. AND NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US THIS FAMILY HAS TOGET TO BENNIGAN'S. ( man )ALL RIGHT ! WOW, DUDE. YOUR DAD'S A PERV ANDYOUR MOM TRIED TO KILL YOU. YEAH. BOY, YOU FELLAS SURE ARE GONNARIP ON ME IN SCHOOL NOW. WE SURE ARE. I REALLY WISH I DIDN'TKNOW THAT STUFF. I GUESS I LEARNED THAT SOMETIMESLYING CAN BE FOR THE BEST. YEP. OH WELL, WHEN I HAVEA CHIPOTLE BLUE CHEESE BACON BURGERAT BENNIGAN'S I'LL FORGET ALL ABOUTMY DAD BEING QUEER AND MY MOM TRYINGTO KILL ME. I'M GONNA BE OKAY. REALLY ?NO, I'M LYING. LET'S GO, SON. COMING, DAD ! ♪ EVERYONE KNOWSIT'S BUTTERS ♪ THAT'S ME !

ALL RIGHT, MOM, I'M ALL DONE WRAPPING DAD'SANNIVERSARY PRESENT FOR YOU. OH, IS IT SOMEONE'SANNIVERSARY SOON ? OH, YOU. JUST KIDDING. OOH, I WONDERWHAT IT IS. IT'S A-- OH, SHUCKS,I CAN'T TELL YOU. BUT IT'S REALLY NIFTY. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'REGONNA HAVE TO DO SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL FOR MOMMY ANDDADDY'S ANNIVERSARY THIS YEAR. HOW ABOUT ON SATURDAY WE ALL GO HAVE DINNERAT BENNIGAN'S ?! BENNIGAN'S ?OH BOY, YOU MEAN IT ? WHOOPEE ! AT BENNIGAN'S I'M GONNA GETTHE RANCH HAND BABY BACK RIBS. CALM DOWN THERE,COWBOY, YOU'VE STILL GOTFOUR DAYS. FOUR DAYS ? OH, I DON'T KNOW HOWI'M GONNA WAIT THAT LONG ! ( singers )♪ WHO'S THE BOY THAT CANLAUGH IN A STORM CLOUD ♪ ♪ TURN A FROWN INTOA SMILE FOR FREE ♪ ♪ WHO'S THE KID WITHTHE HEART FULL OF MAGIC ♪ ♪ EVERYONE KNOWSIT'S BUTTERS ♪ THAT'S ME ! ♪ WHO'S THE BOY WITHEYES FULL OF WONDER ♪ ♪ THINKS BEING YOURSELFIS THE BEST THING TO BE ♪ ♪ WHO'S THAT RASCAL WITH THETWEEZERS IN HIS POCKET ♪ ♪ EVERYONE KNOWSIT'S BUTTERS ♪ THAT'S ME ! ♪ JUMPING IN PUDDLESSKIPPING DOWN THE HALLWAY ♪ ♪ AND GOES TO THE PETTING ZOOHE LOVES JOHN ELWAY ♪ ♪ WHO'S THAT TYKE WITH THECUTEST LITTLE DIMPLES ♪ ♪ BATTING HIS EYESAT EVERY PUPPY HE SEES ♪ ♪ IF YOU LOOK INSIDE YOURSELFYOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED ♪ ♪ WHEN YOU FINDA LITTLE BOY NAMED ♪ ♪ BUTTERS THAT'S,THAT'S ME, YEAH. THREE MORE DAYS 'TILWE EAT AT BENNIGAN'S. THAT'S 72 HOURS.OH, GEE WHIZ ! WELL, IF YOU TWOWILL EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GO OUT AND BUYA CERTAIN SPECIAL LADY HER ANNIVERSARY PRESENT. I HOPE HE MEANS ME. DON'T BE SILLY, MOM, OF COURSE HEMEANS YOU. I'LL BE BACK INA LITTLE BIT. BUTTERS, YOU'RE INCHARGE OF THE HOUSE. YES, SIR ! OH, I WONDER WHAT HE'SGONNA GET ME THIS YEAR. WE WON'T KNOW 'TILWE'RE AT BENNIGAN'S. EVERY YEARIT'S THE SAME. YOUR FATHER GETS MESOME GREAT GIFT AND MY GIFT TO HIMFALLS SHORT. I'VE JUST GOT TOOUTDO HIM THIS YEAR, I'VE JUST GOT TO ! DAD'S A GOODSHOPPER ALL RIGHT. BUTTERS, MAYBE YOU COULDSECRETLY FOLLOW YOUR DAD AND SEE WHATHE'S GETTING ME. YOU MEAN SPY ON HIM ? BUT AIN'T THAT KIND OFLIKE FIBBIN' ? NO, IT'S A LITTLEDIFFERENT. YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE NICEPOLICEMAN GAVE YOU A BADGE AND MADE YOU ANHONORARY INSPECTOR ? SURE, I DO ! WHY, I THINK INSPECTORBUTTERS COULD FIND OUT WHAT DADDY'S GETTING MOMMYWITHOUT HIM EVER KNOWING. WHAT DO YOU SAY ? INSPECTOR BUTTERS ISON THE CASE, MA'AM. ♪ EVERYONE KNOWSIT'S BUTTERS ♪ THAT'S ME !

HMM, DAD'S GOINGTO SEE A MOVIE. HOW NICE. ( bell rings ) ( buzzer ) "WHITE SWALLOWBATH HOUSE." ♪ EVERYONE KNOWSIT'S BUTTERS ♪ THAT'S ME ! I'M BACK, MA. OH, HI, SWEETIE. DID YOU GET TO FOLLOWYOUR DAD AROUND ? I SURE DID. DAD SURE HADA NICE NIGHT OUT. WELL, DID YOU SEE WHAT HEGOT ME FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY ? WELL, FIRST HE WENT TOSEE A MOVIE. A MOVIE, HUH ? I WONDER WHY HE'D WANNASEE A MOVIE BY HIMSELF. I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT WASN'T THEMOVIE THEATER AT THE MALL. IT WAS THAT REALLYOLD THEATER DOWNTOWN. THE STUDCAT. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWIT WAS OPEN. WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT WASTHE MOVIE CALLED ? "FISTING FIREMEN 9." I'VE NEVER SEENONE THROUGH EIGHT. OH MY GOD. IT MUST'VE BEEN A REALSHORT MOVIE THOUGH, BECAUSE DAD CAME OUTLIKE 10 MINUTES LATER. IT MUST'VE BEENA SAD FILM TOO BECAUSE HE HAD A BUNCH OFTISSUE PAPER WITH HIM WHEN HE CAME OUT. POOR OL' DAD, MOVIEREALLY GOT TO HIM. BUTTERS, WHERE DID DADDYGO AFTER THE MOVIE ? TO THE GYM. TO THE GYM ? YEAH, THE WHITE SWALLOW SPA. AAH ! YUP, HE WENT THEREAND HE WRESTLED WITH ALL KIND OF GUYS. HE WASN'T TOO GOOD THOUGH. THIS ONE BLACK GUYHAD HIM PINNED DOWN FOR 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT. BUTTERS, ARE YOUSURE ABOUT THIS ? YOU HAVE TO BEABSOLUTELY SURE. INSPECTOR BUTTERSGETS ALL THE FACTS. I EVEN GOT SOMENEATO PICTURES. THE ONLY THINGI CAN'T FIGURE OUT IS WHY DAD TOLD YOU HE WAS GOINGSHOPPING FOR YOUR PRESENT WHEN HE WAS GOING OUT SEEINGMOVIES AND WRESTLING ? OH, DID YOU HAVEA NICE TRIP, MA ? SEE YOU NEXT FALL.( laughs ) MOM ? ♪ BUTTERS THAT'S ME !

PAINT, MUST PAINT... EVERYTHING CLEAN... PAINT... WELL, HONEY, YOU'VE PAINTEDTHE ENTIRE HOUSE. THREE TIMES. MUST PAINT. EVERYTHING CLEAN,EVERYTHING NEW. SAY, BUTTERS,I'M HAVING REAL TROUBLE FINDING AN ANNIVERSARYPRESENT FOR MOM. ANY IDEAS ? HMM, I CAN'TTHINK OF ONE. WELL THEN, IT LOOKS LIKEI'M GONNA HAVE TO GO OUT SHOPPING AGAIN. AAH ! PAINT. EVERYTHING CLEAN,EVERYTHING NEW. PAINT. I'LL BE BACKIN A LITTLE WHILE. SHOULD I GO TRY AND SEE WHATHE GETS YOU AGAIN, MOM ? I DON'T THINKDADDY'S SHOPPING. I THINK DADDY'S GOING OUTWRESTLING AGAIN. PAINT. PAINT. MUST BE MADE CLEAN. NEW. HEY, A NEW PAINT BRUSH. THAT'S WHAT DAD COULD GETMOM FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY. I GOTTA GO TELL HIM. MUST CLEAN BUTTERS. CLEAN. NEVER BE CLEAN. MUST KILL ? THE ONLY WAY...MUST KILL BUTTERS. PAINT. ♪ BUTTERS THAT'S ME !

ONE, PLEASE. LOCKER 213. THANKS. ( dance music )♪ THAT'S WHAT TAKES ME HIGH ALL RIGHT, MOM,DAD ?DAD, YOU IN HERE ? ♪ YOUR LOVEKEEPS ME ALIVE ♪ HELLO, ANYBODY IN HERE ? ( man )THERE, DO YOUTHINK THAT WORKS ? WELL, THAT'S FOURFINGERS, TRY FIVE. MR. GARRISON ? WHO IS THAT ?! DAD ? DAD ! YOU WRESTLING IN HERE ? DAD ? THIS ROOM'S TAKEN. OH, PARDON ME, SIRS. DAD ? NO. HMM. AH, BUTTERS ! HI, DAD ! OH GOD ! I'M GLAD I FOUND YA. I THINK I KNOW THE PERFECTANNIVERSARY PRESENT FOR MOM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURWIENER OUT THERE, DAD ? BUTTERS, YOU NEED TOLEAVE HERE RIGHT NOW. YOU NEED TOGET OUT OF HERE. GO HOME AND WAIT FOR METO TALK TO YOU. OH, ALL RIGHT THEN. WELL, SEE YOU AT HOME. OH, JESUS, NO. OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE ?

WHEN TEACHER SAID I HAD TOSHARE MY FINGER PAINTS, BECAUSE I'D BEENSHARING THEM ALL ALONG. BUTTERS, YOU KNOWTHAT MOMMY LOVES YOU AN AWFUL LOT, DON'T YOU ? WELL, SURE I DO, MOM,I LOVE YOU, TOO. AND SOMETIMESMOMMIES DO THINGS THAT SEEM HURTFULTO THEIR BABIES, BUT IT'S REALLYFOR THE BEST. YOU MEAN LIKE THE TIME YOUWASHED MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP FOR SAYING "NUT SACK"IN FRONT OF GRANDMA. YEAH, I NEED TOBEHAVE MYSELF. IF A MOMMY HAS TOEND HER LIFE SHE CAN'T LET HER BABYALONE IN THE WORLD TO BE RAISED BYA SICK PERVERT. WELL, SURE, THAT MAKES SENSEI SUPPOSE, YEAH. HEY, DID YOU SEEMY MITTENS ANYWHERE ? IT'S COLD OUT HERE. I'M GOING TO GET OUT OFTHE CAR NOW, BUTTERS. I WANT YOU TO STAY PUT WITHYOUR SEATBELT FASTENED. OH, WELL,ALL RIGHT, MOM. OKAY THEN. Y'KNOW, I THINK THE CARMIGHT BE MOVING, MOM. YEP, I'M PRETTY SURETHE CAR'S MOVING. LOOKS LIKE I'M HEADINGFOR THE WATER. SHH, SHH,IT'S OKAY, BABY. MOMMY WILL BEWITH YOU VERY SOON. WELL, I THINK-- YEP, IT LOOKS LIKE THE CAR'SFILL UP WITH WATER, YEAH. ♪ EVERYONE KNOWSIT'S BUTTERS ♪ THAT'S ME ! "DEAR BASTARD HUSBAND."

TOM, I'M STANDINGIN FRONT OF THE HOME OF CHRIS AND LINDA STOTCH. THEY'RE LIVING EVERY PARENT'SNIGHTMARE RIGHT NOW AS LAST NIGHT, WHILE MRS. STOTCH WAS DRIVINGWITH HER SON IN THE CAR, A MAN STOPPED HER,PUT A GUN TO HER HEAD AND TOOK HER SON AWAY. WHEN ASKED WHO THE MAN WAS,MS. STOTCH REPLIED, "SOME PUERTO RICAN GUY." NATURALLY, THE POLICE AREON AN ALL-OUT MANHUNT FOR SOMEPUERTO RICAN GUY. LOOKS LIKE THE PARENTS ARE ABOUTTO MAKE A STATEMENT, TOM. MRS. STOTCH,MRS. STOTCH ! ANY WORD YET FROM THE MANWHO TOOK YOUR SON ? NO, NO, NOT YET. BUT IF YOU'RE OUT THERE,WE BEG YOU. WE JUST WANT OUR BABYRETURNED SAFELY BACK TO US. MRS. STOTCH, WHAT DID THEKIDNAPPER LOOK LIKE ? PUERTO RICAN. WAS HE TALL, SHORT ? HE WAS... AVERAGEPUERTO RICAN HEIGHT. PLEASE, JUST BRING OURBABY BACK TO ME. ♪ BUTTERS THAT'S ME !

SAYING, "YOU TOOKMY RUBBER BANDS." WELL, I DIDN'T TAKE 'EM,CRAIG DID. I SAW CRAIG TAKE 'EM. ANYWAY, BOY I SURE AM LUCKYYOU CAME ALONG, MISTER. YEAH, TOO BADYOU'RE NOT A BROAD 'CAUSE I NEED SOMEGOD DAMN POONTANG. YEAH, I COULD USE SOME GOD DAMNPOONTANG MYSELF RIGHT NOW. HAVE YOU EVER BEENTO BENNIGAN'S, MISTER ? OH, IT SURE IS GREAT. I'M GOING TO BENNIGAN'STOMORROW NIGHT WITH MY FAMILY. OH, I CAN JUST SEE IT NOW. WE'LL WALK INTHE FRONT DOORS AND THE NICE BENNIGAN'SHOSTESS LADY WILL TAKE US TO OURCOZY BOOTH. THEN WE'LL ORDER SOME MOZZARELLASTICKS FOR APPETIZERS. DAD WILL OPEN HIS PRESENT,MOM WILL OPEN HERS. THEN THE BENNIGAN'SWAITSTAFF WILL SING. ♪ HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARYFROM EVERYONE AT BENNIGAN'S ♪ ♪ HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARYFROM EVERYONE AT BENNIGAN'S ♪ ♪ HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARYFROM EVERYONE AT BENNIGAN'S ♪ ♪ HAPPY HAPPY-- ♪ OOH, ARE WE STOPPINGFOR SODA ? HEY, CAN I GETA CHOCOLATE MILK ? HE MUST LIKE T.G.I. FRIDAY'S.

LET US HANDLE IT. BARBRADY. HELLO ? OH, HELLO. WHO IS THIS ? WHO IS THIS ? UH, IS THIS THESTOTCH RESIDENCE ? YES, ARE YOU CALLINGABOUT THE ABDUCTION ? NO. OH, WELL, ARE YOUPUERTO RICAN ? NO. WE NEED TO KEEPTHIS LINE CLEAR, CALL BACK ANOTHER DAY. IT WASN'T THEABDUCTOR, SORRY. CHIEF, TWO MORE PARENTSFROM THE NEXT TOWN OVER HAVE SHOWN UP,SAYING THEIR CHILD MIGHT'VE BEEN KILLEDBY THE SAME GUY THAT TOOK THE STOTCH BOY. REALLY ? THIS IS JOHN AND PATSYRAMSEY FROM BOULDER. WE SAW YOUR STORYON THE NEWS. WE'RE SO SORRY TOHEAR ABOUT YOUR LOSS. OUR DAUGHTER WASKILLED A FEW YEARS AGO IN OUR HOUSE. YES, I REMEMBER HEARINGSOMETHING ABOUT THAT. AND WE REALIZED THE MANTHAT MURDERED YOUR SON MUST BE THE SAME PERSON THATKILLED OUR DAUGHTER. YEAH, BECAUSE WECERTAINLY DIDN'T DO IT. NO.( chuckling ) NO.NO. WELL, OUR SONWAS ABDUCTED. WE DON'T KNOW THATHE'S DEAD YET. RIGHT... ♪ BUTTERS THAT'S ME !

WHAT CAN I DOFOR YA ? I HAVE TO GETTO SOUTH PARK. IF YOU GIVE ME A RIDE I CAN PAY YOU THE $4I MADE AT THE TITTY BAR. SORRY, WIFE TOOK THE CAR TOESTES PARK FOR THE WEEKEND. WON'T BE BACK UNTIL SUNDAY. I CAN GIVE YOU A RIDEALL RIGHT, MOM,SUNDAY IF YOU LIKE. I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL SUNDAY. I'M EATING WITH MY FAMILYAT BENNIGAN'S TOMORROW. WELL THEN, LOOKS LIKEYOU'RE WALKING. WILL I EVENTUALLYGET TO SOUTH PARK IF I FOLLOW THIS ROAD ? THAT ROAD LEADSTO CONIFER. YOU WANNA GOTO SOUTH PARK YOU GOTTA GODOWN THAT ROAD. OF COURSE I AIN'T NEVER SEENANYONE GO UP THAT ROAD. SIX YEARS AGO A GROUP OF CAMPERSWENT UP THERE AND GOT LOST. HAD TO EAT EACH OTHERTO STAY ALIVE. USED TO BE THE WAY TOTHE O'REILLY HOUSE. HE BUTCHERED OVER50 CHILDREN AND KEPT THEIR BODIESIN THE CELLAR. BUT YOU SHOULD FIND AN OLDBRIDGE ABOUT HALFWAY UP. THAT BRIDGE ISCURSED, Y'KNOW. THEY BUILT IT WITH THE BONESOF 200 CHINESE LABORERS WHO WERE MASSACRED IN '34. YEAH, A LOT OF HISTORYON THAT ROAD. WELL, IT'S MY PARENTS'ANNIVERSARY TOMORROW AND THEY'RE GONNA BE AWFUL SADIF I'M NOT THERE WITH THEM. WELL, GOOD LUCK THEN. OH, JEEZ. OR IS SOUTH PARKDOWN THAT ROAD ?

YES, IT, IT SURE IS. THANK GOODNESS WE HAVE EACHOTHER TO SHARE OUR GRIEF. THANK GOODNESS. HERE HE IS. JOHN, PATSY. HELLO, GARY,GREAT TO SEE YOU. CHRIS AND LINDA,THIS IS OUR GOOD FRIEND CONGRESSMAN GARY CONDIT. HE ALSO LOST SOMEONECLOSE TO HIM AND THINKS IT HASSOMETHING TO DO WITH THE SAME PUERTO RICAN GUYTHAT HURT OUR KIDS. WE'RE GONNA GET THATSON OF A BITCH. YES, I SURE HOPE WE DO. I SPOKE WITH THE F.B.I.AND SOME PUERTO RICAN GUY HAS JUST MADE THEIR#1 MOST WANTED. OH GOOD, MAYBE NOWTHEY'LL CATCH HIM. OH, HERE'S ANOTHER MEMBEROF OUR SUPPORT GROUP. O.J. HEY, GUYS. CHRIS, LINDA, YOUKNOW O.J. SIMPSON. OH, SURE. O.J.'S WIFE WAS KILLED BY SOMEPUERTO RICAN GUY, TOO. YEP, IT WAS SOME PUERTORICAN GUY ALL RIGHT. SO YOU SEE,CHRIS AND LINDA, THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOUALL OVER THE COUNTRY WHO HAVE BEEN AFFECTED BYSOME PUERTO RICAN GUY. HEY, LET'S MAKECHRIS AND LINDA AN OFFICIAL PARTOF THE GROUP. YEAH !ALL RIGHT ! ONE OF US,ONE OF US. GOOBLE GOBBLE,GOOBLE GOBBLE. ONE OF US,ONE OF US. ( chanting continues )

♪ COME ON DOWNTO BENNIGAN'S ♪ ♪ BUFFALO WINGS ANDFRIED CHEESE STICKS ♪ ♪ THE BEST ARE FOUNDAT BENNIGAN'S ♪ HELLO ? ♪ SO COME AND EATAT BENNIGAN'S ♪ ♪ YOU'LL LOVE OURSHENANIGANS ♪ OH, NUT SACK. ( gasps )OOPS !