(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 12/25/15

Hey Blake.

I know you don't want to talk to me, so no pressure, you don't have to answer. It's Christmas, and I'm hanging out and drinking with some friends, and I've had enough to justify sending you an email, so here I am.

I thought you should know that I finally called dad. I wasn't going to before this whole Raven thing was over, but it turns out, Detroit's kind of a big place and a PO box that gets visited infrequently and erratically isn't the world's best lead. Anyways, I broke down around Thanksgiving and called him for the first time in a while. Called him a few more times since, plus earlier today. I've been talking to Ruby some too. We don't talk about a lot, but it's been good to hear her voice. Dad's too.

I'm trying to be a better big sister, calling once a week or so, just checking in and that sort of thing. Ruby told me she's graduating this year. That's huge for her. I always knew she was brilliant, glad to see she's getting out of there and looking at grad schools already. Guess that means she graduates with the Ice Queen, right?

I think I heard you in the background on Thanksgiving, and maybe again today? I don't know, I could just be that desperate to hear your voice, but if you are there, I'm glad. I wasn't sure if you were going to get home to see your folks or not this holiday season, but I'm at least glad you weren't alone.

Last time I talked to Ruby, she said you missed me. I didn't laugh, you should be proud of me. Guess we're keeping up appearances huh?

Sorry, that was a little bitchyer than I meant it to come off. Maybe you do miss me. Is it bad that I hope you do?

Sorry, I'll shut up before the drunk rambling starts again.

Merry Christmas Blake. Have a drink on me.

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 1/1 (21 days ago)

Some times i think i made a mistake.

Not like all the time, or evn a lot. But sometimes. Liek how ur not here. And i didnt kiss u at midnight.

Guys are terrible kissers.

Happy newy ears Blakey.

Miss u.

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 12:22 PM (9 hours ago)

Well, I found her.

I'm meeting her. Tonight. A few hours actually. I'm going to email you after. Consider this a warning I guess, ignore the next email from me if you don't want a bunch of unnecessary drama. If you're actually reading my emails anymore. Which you might not be. Christ I'm pathetic.

Before you say anything, yes, I know I should talk to dad or Ruby about it. I just can't. I'm sure Dad has all his own emotional shit tied up in his ex that it's not fair to drag out of him and Ruby...it's not her problem. I don't need to make it her problem, not when she's got to focus on graduating and grad school applications.

I guess I shouldn't make it your problem either, but I can't deal with it alone and you drew the short straw. Lucky you.

Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 2:17 AM (6 minutes ago)

Waited until I sobered up to message you. Took a while.

I don't know what I was expecting, Blake, I really don't. But it wasn't that.

Sorry, I'm going to go back a little bit here. I asked the guys at the post office about the box she had. It was in her name, and after I convinced one of the tellers I was her daughter, he told me that she didn't visit her PO box regularly. Apparently only a couple times a month, and never with any sort of discernable pattern. It kind of killed my first idea which was basically going to be to park outside the post office for a week and watch the box until she showed up. I had to put boots on the ground and actually do some digging. Digging meant time, since Detroit is, you know, a big fucking city. Time means money, and possibly also somewhere to sleep that isn't my station wagon. So, I've set down a root or two. I'm subletting somebody's place downtown for cheap, and I found a garage that would park my car and put me to work. It's actually been pretty nice. Met a few people. There's this guy I work with now, Sun, you would like him. Bit of a grease monkey, but he's always upbeat and he can hold his liquor like a champ. He's got some friends I've been hanging out with. So, you know, I haven't been totally alone or obsessing or anything. Well, I haven't been alone at least.

It's been kind of nice having a social life again, not to mention a bed to sleep on. Plus, having friends who know the city pretty well was a big help with my search. They'd take me somewhere new every couple of nights, dive bars, biker joints, some other garages, and everywhere I went, I'd flash Raven's picture trying to get a hit. Probably would have been smarter just to drop a letter in her PO box, but I had this kind of crazy notion that if I did, she'd just ignore it and I'd never get anywhere.

Took three months of searching and drinking my way through half of Detroit's nightlife, but eventually, I found a bartender who recognized her. Turns out, I was in the wrong kind of bars. Weird thing was, I wasn't even looking for her that night. Sun and his friends just said we should go out dancing, so we ended up at a place called Junior's. The security there all wore suits, and it was kinda ritzier than I would have ever thought to look for Raven, just based on the six things I know about her.

But the guy who owned the place - who actually goes by Junior btw - had seen her in there once or twice. He pointed out a few regulars, and finally, finally I managed to get a phone number off of some guy who said they'd met there for drinks a week ago.

So I had a phone number. And I called her.

She hung up on me when I told her I was her daughter. It took a few more times before she picked up again.

She wanted to know if this was some scam. I told her my name, and my dad's name. Then she told me if I was looking for money, I was shit out of luck. I told her I just wanted to meet her. So she gave me a time and a place.

She was late. When she did show up, she took one look at me, then ordered two shots of tequila before she even said hello. So at least I know she's related to Qrow for sure.

It was really awkward at first. I mean...it was so surreal. We look really similar, even I can tell that. I guess that's kind of a good thing, guess at the very least I'll age well, right? Ugh, bad joke, I know. She asked me how I found her. I told her. She asked me why I was there. I told her that too. I told her I wanted to know why she left. I wanted to know what kind of person my mother was.

I'll give her this much: she didn't try to bullshit me. She didn't give me any line about how she thought about me every day, or how much she missed me or regretted leaving. She told me...okay, I'm going to try and get as close to her words as possible, but I wasn't, like, taking notes or anything, so I'm going to end up paraphrasing. Here it goes:

She told me that, the whole time she was pregnant with me, she tried her hardest not to think about the future. She said that I had been an accident, unplanned. She and dad were just out of college, not married, and I just happened. None of that's news, dad's told me as much. What he didn't tell me was that, once he found out, he started making all these big plans. He started talking about getting married, and what raising me would do for their careers, and if Raven didn't want to quit her job, that was fine, but they'd both have to try to work from home more so that they could raise me. And that...freaked her out. Really bad. Then, I was born, and she said that it felt like suddenly, her life was boiled down to one or two pre-determined paths. Like suddenly, she didn't have any choices to make any more, no options to explore or discover. The things she'd wanted to do, any plans she might have had, gone. Her life became what kind of wedding she wanted, or if she was ready to be a housewife, and a house with a white picket fence. She said it scared the hell out of her, that she never wanted that life. And until she'd gotten pregnant, she didn't know how much Tai did want it. She realized that they no longer had a life together, that there was no future where they both wound up happy. So instead of being miserable, she left.

She said she wasn't proud of how she left things, but she wasn't sorry for doing it.

I didn't cry or anything when she told me. I didn't really know what to feel. I was very...numb. I guess that's a good word. Numb. I mean, ever since dad told me Summer wasn't my real mom, I've been dying to know everything she'd told me. I should have felt sad, or happy, or satisfied, or...something. But there wasn't anything there anymore.

So we had a few more drinks after that. At first, it was really awkward. I mean, what do you say to somebody who just bared your soul to them on demand, much less when that somebody is your estranged mother? Fortunately, a healthy thirst runs in the family. We were kind of unconsciously matching each other, going drink for drink. We never had, like, a spoken drinking contest going on, it was just something that sort of happened. Then, at some point, things just were less awkward. Maybe it's just because we both wound up drunk, but I felt like I could just kind of spend time with her, and like, push the whole drama of the situation away, you know? In a weird way, it was kind of like the nights we'd drink together. When everything was just easy all of a sudden.

She's actually kind of cool to hang out with. We have a really similar sense of humor. She actually asked me some questions about myself, which I wasn't expecting. I don't know, maybe it was just the booze, but it actually felt...weirdly normal. Like I was just catching up with my mom.

It's like, I know I should feel so much more angry at her than I do, but in a lot of ways we are so similar. I can't even say I don't understand why she left, you know? Because what the fuck did I do? I saw a life I didn't like, post-grad, no plans, no you...and I left. I didn't like my options, so I made a third and took it.

How the fuck do I know I wouldn't have done the same thing if I was in her shoes?

I know what you'll say, and yes, you're right. She hurt dad. She left me. But, think about if she hadn't. I mean, if she hadn't left, Ruby would never have been born. I would have never known Summer. And what would have replaced that life? Being raised by a possibly alcoholic mother who resented me for forcing her to live a life she never wanted to lead?

How am I supposed to feel about that?

She left a few hours ago. Apparently she works the graveyard shift somewhere that doesn't matter if she shows up smelling like an open bar. But...she said I could call her again. And we could even talk some more if I wanted. She was pretty nonchalant about it. Which just makes things more confusing.

I don't know. I might take her up on it.

Or not. Maybe I'll be more angry in the morning.

I don't know anymore Blake. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, or what it's okay to feel. I feel guilty for being glad that things didn't turn immediately into a shitshow. I feel guilty that I understand my mother and that we have so much in common. I feel awful because she's not the terrible person I always imagined she'd be, and that we both want so many of the same things. In some ways, it feels like I'm betraying dad because I don't hate her, and it feels like I'm betraying Summer, because I might actually have a shot at having a mother again. It sucks so much, and I don't know how to process any of this. I don't know what to do.

But I'm not sorry I met her. And I just...I can't bring myself to hate her.

I think I'm going to try to see her again. Maybe. I mean, I have a place and a job here. No reason to ditch just yet. I don't know where I'd go if I did.

Besides, she's my mom.

No I don't know where I'm going

But I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from: Detroit Michigan

A/N: Sorry for the long wait on this one folks, but me and elfen were both tied up with holiday stuff, so we decided to not try and push ourselves to get anything out last week. Hopefully the longer chapter will make up for it. Chapter 8 might even make it up tomorrow, so keep an eye out for that.

Leave a review if you have feedback for us! That's all for today. Cheers.