SEATTLE—Noting a spike in the serotonin levels of test subject 110021a, nicknamed “Alfred”, scientists at the Bryer National Laboratory concluded this morning that the rodent actually took pleasure in several experiments normally expected to cause pain. Tests included labyrinth runs, random beatings, nipple clamps, as well as the forced ingestion of multiple pharmaceutical drugs at once. “He actually likes it, the little creep,” noted research assistant Allison Wells, removing a small electrode used to induce electric shock. “I even saw him smile a little after I cranked it up to 120 volts. That’s how I know he’s enjoying it. Freak.” The researchers concluded their statement by detailing plans to grow a human ear on the subject’s back, but “only if he’s into that kind of shit.” ❖

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