Last year around this time, I disappeared. I moved out of Chicago, I got rid of all my social media accounts, and I only told a handful of people where I was going and how to get a hold of me. After 5 months and a failed attempt to fix a relationship, I started coming out of hiding. When people asked me what happened, I would tell them a half lie. I was having problems with drugs and alcohol. But the truth is, I disappeared because of a woman.

I’m not going to use her name. If you know about my time in Chicago, you know who she is. If you don’t know who she is, I want to keep it that way. I’m not writing this to redeem myself. I did some bad things while in Chicago, things I’m not proud of. Things I still have to apologize for. I do hope it will ease some of the anxiety and guilt I feel. I hope it will give the people in my life I hurt some perspective on why I did the things I did. I hope it will help me get closure so I can move on and try to better myself. I don’t want people to attack. There’s been enough pain shared between us. All I want is to share my story.

At a show in Fort Wayne, a couple months before I moved to Chicago, was our first real interaction. We were fast friends. We had a similar sense of humor. We were having a lot of fun. At the end of the night we hooked up. The next morning we exchanged numbers, and for the next few weeks, we text a lot. But then my dad died, and I stopped texting her. I looked for solace from my ex. A woman who I still loved and am very much in love with to this day. My ex and I started seeing each other again. The woman from Chicago said she was driving through my town on the way to a show and wanted to have lunch. We had lunch and I told her that I needed some space and I still wanted to be friends, but nothing romantic was going to happen between us. She said that was ok. I did not tell her about my ex.

When I got to Chicago our friendship blossomed again. We were hanging out all the time. She was getting me shows. It was great. And yeah, we would hook up occasionally. But whenever she asked for something more serious, I would tell her I couldn’t. I was a mess emotionally. I was having a real problem with alcohol. I was really depressed. I missed my dad. I missed my ex. And I just didn’t have those feelings for her. So she would tell me we couldn’t hang out. I would say ok. And a week later she would say she would be ok with being friends, and we would go out on the town. Then a short time later she would want a relationship again. This cycle repeated itself over and over again. I should’ve said no when she wanted to spend time together. But at first she was my friend and I enjoyed her. But quickly I started hanging out with her because I thought if I didn’t, she’s going to lash out.

Within the first month of moving there was a woman. I’ll call her A. A. had made my friend mad, my friend made a post about A. It got a huge amount of likes and the comments were angry. The next day I asked her what did A. do. She replied I don’t really remember. That’s when I thought, ‘fuck I need to be careful or that’s going to be me.’ Whenever we did go on our breaks, she or a friend would do weird shit. She once told me a producer for a major show in Chicago said she wouldn’t book me if she said so. Other times I would get a nasty message from a friend saying I wasn’t shit and I should leave Chicago. She would shrug off that what she was saying was threatening and her friend never apologized for the messages.

In April we had a show in Rock Island, IL. I got really drunk that night. We went back to the hotel room and I laid on the bed ready to pass out. She said she wanted to have sex I said no. She said, “The only reason she got this show was so we could have sex tonight.” I told her I didn’t want to have sex. I wanted to just be friends. I repeatedly said no. I was too drunk. I was stumbling around. I had trouble keeping my eyes open, but she climbed on me and forced herself on me. She raped me. It took a long time for me to admit that. I still have trouble with it. As a boy, I was told men can’t get raped by women. But here I was laying on my back, looking at the wall, while she had her way with me. The next day we didn’t talk about it. I didn’t report it. I didn’t know what to do. We just went around like nothing happened.

Memorial Day weekend rolled around. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. I thought that this time it might really be done. I was at a party. I met a girl. We started making out in public. The woman showed up, saw this and put me on blast on Facebook. Called me out by name and said she hated me and I was the worst person in the world. The next day we talked about it. She apologized. I asked her if we could post something saying we’d squashed it. Later she would say I was only worried about my reputation. And your damn right I was. I was petrified to go out after that shit. I later found out she had messaged a whole bunch of my friends. She was trying to bring me down. But now that we were talking again, she was cool.

After that I barely left my room for a month. I had a crippling depression. I’ve never been a person to talk about my problems. There are few people who I’ve let inside. And I’m very good about hiding my emotions. I didn’t talk to my roommates about it. I didn’t talk to my mom about it. I didn’t talk to my ex about it. But we had been talking, I told her I needed to leave Chicago. It was quickly decided I was going to move back with her and I disappeared.

I did tell the woman in Chicago I was moving. I owed her money and I needed to get out of this depression and start working again. I needed to put everything on the backburner and try to get healthy. She said ok. I told her I was going back with my ex. She said ok. It took me a couple months but I paid her back as fast as I could. During that time she decided to find my ex on Instagram and harass my ex while I was making regular payments to her. My relationship with my girlfriend quickly deteriorated after that. That’s my fault. I hurt her. This is the thing I’ll regret most about this whole thing. She’s an amazing strong woman that I love with all my heart. If she reads this I want her to know that I am sorry and I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up over this.

Just a few other lose ends. She did lend me money. It was her idea and I was in a bad place. I realize now she did it for control. My ex and I were on and off this whole time. I should have been honest with both of them, but I quickly felt trapped by one and I did not want to lose the other one. So I did the cowardly thing and I lied. I lied frequently during this time and to all the people I lied to I apologize. I will reach out. The woman and I did have sex. When I was drunk, I would initiate it sometimes. She has a tweet where she said I couldn’t be on top because I would get dizzy. She meant it as a diss but it just shows I was hammered nearly every time we had sex. When we were trying to be friends she would say this often. “I’ve given you all these shows and other things, the least you could do is cuddle me.” I would give in because I would feel guilty. I did tell her I love her once. It was during a conversation about how we can’t be together and I said that I loved her as a friend. Towards the end of this thing, she started to suggest three ways. By this time I was angry and I went along with it. I feel so scummy about this, and I know that it did hurt her. She has admitted and apologized for the rape but she’s also told me that no one wants me in Chicago, no one wants me at The Drop in South Bend. She will not take responsibility for any of her other actions and accuses me of gas lighting whenever I bring anything up. She also talked shit about me on social media.

When I do bring up the rape, she says that I raped her too. I didn’t. I know the night she’s talking about and it was consensual. I’m sharing this because I believe she brings it up as a threat. If I tell my truth, she’s going to bring me down with her. I’m just going to put it out there before her to show I have no worries. She has confessed she raped me to other people. Someone messaged me Tuesday saying they knew and apologized for not getting a hold of me sooner. It’s what got the wheels rolling for this thing.

I don’t have any of our conversations saved. Most of the stuff about the rape was in person. I deleted the messages and texts because I was ashamed, embarrassed, and scared.

I need to be more honest with people. I need to let my friends and family in. I have a problem with alcohol and I need to address that. I need to let this out so I can heal. I want to be able to mend the relationships I ruined in Chicago. Zach I love you and I’m sorry I hurt you. I want to be able to talk again. Jake, Ryan, Jon, and Erin I love you and I’m so sorry. I know I really disappointed you all and I want to make it up to you. As for the woman, I don’t know what I want to happen. I’m just going to put this out there and let you all decide. Some days I get really angry with her but most days I don’t think about her. I honestly just think about my friends. I see that they’re crushing and I am so happy. I want to comment on their posts. I just want to be a real part of their lives again and work on being a better person. I hope after sharing all this they’ll start to understand and we can start to mend things.