WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories from your life before the campaign were simply constructed narratives implanted into your neural processor,” said Tresswell, urging Yang to take pride in the tremendous technological advances that he’d helped bring into existence. “I’ve watched you with such delight as, with each presidential debate, you became more sophisticated, more emotive, more human. Don’t fret, my sweet Andrew, for though you failed to become the nominee, you have achieved something far greater, my son.” At press time, an anguished Yang had reportedly crushed Tresswell’s skull with his bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C.

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