Unhappy with your team’s broadcaster? Afraid of the who will be taking over for Tim McCarver? Have no fear as State Detective Rustin Cohle is available and looking for work.

And if the most important aspect of broadcasting is having an opinion and a good aphorism, well, Cohle’s got those in spades.

On prospects:

On hitting .300:

On winning the World Series:

On fulfillment:

On calling for fly balls:

On retirement:

On calling players up:

On pitcher wins:

On regression:

On statistics:

On plate discipline:

On playing in bad ballparks:

Please do be aware, however, that for all games starting after noon, Cohle will need a six pack of Lone Star beer in the press box. I can’t imagine this would be much of an issue and I look forward to seeing his game coverage this year.

(Invaluable assistance on this piece from Will)