UPDATE: After conducting an analysis of the first half of the 2016 season, The rules of the drinking game have been revised to make the end result slightly less... lethal.

It's official: I took the leap and watched Bachelor in Paradise for the first time ever. In case you missed my review, I found the third flavor offered by the Bachelor Franchise to be as delightful as expected despite a too-prominent note of Chad. Luckily, his behavior and lack of bowel control seem to have disqualified him from participating beyond his set-up-to-but-won't-really-be-dramatic return to terrorize the remaining contestants when the second episode picks up where we left off. Unlike the Bachelorette, I think excising Grumpy BadScruff and his drama will improve this show; I didn't turn on a show full of really, really, ridiculously good-looking people at an open bar to watch one man get drunk and demean every female participant.

There was something critical missing from my viewing experience for episode 1, though, and it wasn't difficult to identify. Without a Drinking Game to guide me, I had to set my own pace while watching a bunch of confusingly desperate people get sloppy on a beach. You know that feeling you get as the designated driver, when you suddenly realize everyone has passed the point of intoxication where it's still enjoyable to talk to them? This was a similar sensation, except I didn't have to go through the trouble of putting on pants or herding people into a car at 2:00 AM. The point is: this show seems more fun to watch if you can put yourself in the contestants' frame of mind, and to do so you'll need an adult beverage or five. Let's take a look at the first edition of Questionably Qualified's newest drinking game: