No prizes for player of the year but who gets best goal and, more importantly, why did Melbourne Heart channel Rage Against the Machine?

After the giddy heights of the 2012-13 season, the A-League was destined to plateau in 2013-14. Losing the two best coaches in the league – Ange Postecoglou and Graham Arnold – before round seven didn’t help, and their departure signalled a slip in quality for Melbourne Victory and Central Coast Mariners. It must also be said that the advancing years of marquee stars Shinji Ono, Alessandro Del Piero and Emile Heskey did not help either.

Yes, the A-League season can be told as a story of mediocrity, where famous names were laughed at by nobodies filling in the time before the midnight kick off in the English Premier League. Harry Kewell signed for minimum wage at Melbourne Heart and proceeded to miss much of the season with injury, as well as fabulously botching a spot kick, while William Gallas huffed and puffed and took a spectacular air swing for Perth Glory. We laughed, certain people were outraged by the disrespect, and so we laughed some more. Oh, the riff raff!

Much like the season before, coaches came and went with alarming regularity. Postecoglou and Arnold were poached by the Socceroos and Vegalta Sendai respectively, while Alistair Edwards, John Aloisi and Gary van Egmond were all sacked by their clubs. Of the 10 coaches who began the season in October, only four remained at season’s end. Edwards was rolled for allegations of nepotism, Aloisi for a fantastically long streak of not winning, Van Egmond for micromanaging his squad to death. In came Kenny Lowe, John van ’t Schip and Clayton Zane, and they all proceeded to miss the finals anyway.

But amidst the thrashings about of average footballers and the heavy attrition rate of coaches, there were moments for optimism and stories to warm the coldest of hearts. Mike Mulvey and his extremely well drilled Brisbane Roar side steamed ahead of the pack, wrapping up the premiership and winning the grand final in dramatic circumstances. Adelaide played some wonderful football, and everybody except News Corp journalists were wooed by the charisma of Josep Gombau, the big hearted Catalan with a face like a groper. Central Coast Mariners showed once again that size doesn't matter.

Manchester City took pity on Melbourne Heart, and decided to transform them from the lamest football club in the country to the latest member of their global football front for make benefit of glorious nation of United Arab Emirates. That we are now contributing to Manchester City’s negotiation of Uefa’s financial fair play rules matters little: we are noticed by the big end of town, and we are happy for it.

Many young and youngish players made an impression. Adam Taggart scored a hatful for Newcastle Jets. Dimitri Petratos was a revelation at Brisbane Roar. Matthew Spiranovic was a mainstay in the Wanderers defence, and will likely be on the plane to Brazil. Tomi Juric is a big bad striker who plays as if he is packing heat. Osama Malik was impressive at Adelaide, and Awer Mabil reminded us of the forgotten art of taking on your marker. We wondered if they were good enough to take on Gerard Pique and Arturo Vidal and Arjen Robben in Brazil, and then laughed again.

But the fans were angry. First at each other, then at the press, then at the police, then at FFA, then at their club, then at everyone simultaneously. Whether it was the choice of coach, the formation, the over-policing of their supporters or the price of mid-strength beer, they hate-tweeted the appropriate bureaucrats, drafted ‘press releases’ that read more like polemical essays and compiled long lists of demands. Fan forums were held, and extremely rich and unattractive board members were bemused by the spectacle of drunken, pimply social outcasts instructing them to divest their financial interests in the club. The more savvy of us soon realised that football, especially in the era of franchises, is not a democracy, and so we resigned ourselves to designing alternative kits on internet forums and messageboards.

We kind of half-cared about the Asian Champions League, especially when our boys won. We pretended for a bit that we also cared about the opposition, although most of us were more interested in Liverpool’s progress in the English Premier League. We did not care much about the W-League, as usual, although we were tantalised by the launch of the FFA Cup and curious about the National Premier Leagues. We pondered promotion and relegation, and hurriedly designed possible kits for Tasmania Van Diemen, Deportivo La Toowoomba and Real Lake Burley Griffin FC.

By season’s end, we said our goodbyes to many retiring players and people who had better offers from elsewhere. Kewell. Ono. Del Piero. Mile Sterjovski. Jacob Burns. Michael Bridges. Terry McFlynn. While we ponder whether this is A-League or a glorified palliative care ward, this is the subject of the Guardian’s first gong...

Best farewell

Central Coast Mariners for Sterjovski. Special mention must go to the Wanderers fireworks and tifo display in Parramatta, as well as the wonderful 'Saint Terry' tifo at Sydney FC, but the Yellow Army’s send off for Sterjovski was humble and touching, and fitting for the quiet achiever.

Best goal

It was a terrific team goal, and it summed up Brisbane’s season. Mark Bosnich called it the best goal he’d ever seen in the A-League. Finished by Liam Miller, Brisbane’s team goal came after more than 20 passes, and was part of a thrashing of Melbourne Victory. There have been other worthy goals, many of them long range pile-drivers or neat sweeping moves. But if we are to take Eduardo Galeano’s dictum that “the goal is football’s orgasm”, this was more lovemaking than a cheap one-night stand. Something we all aspire to, but only something that can be achieved with the right combination of people.

Best fans’ wind-up

The mock-poznan in the last Sydney derby. One of those wonderful moments where a group of fans spontaneously reacts to a situation, and everyone in the stadium and watching at home on television instantly gets it. Most active support groups are outnumbered and outsung by the Red and Black Bloc of the Wanderers, but the mock-Poznan showed a deft sense of humour. The RBB take themselves very seriously, and this was one of those occasions when imitation was not a form of flattery.

Most inappropriate awareness campaign

The Victorian police and FFA started an anti-violence campaign at the start of the season, with dob-in-a-yobbo hotlines, ticket regulations and more surveillance of fans. It was never going to be popular with those who actually attend A-League games, but FFA could have at least appointed a better ambassador. Tell us, Kevin Muscat, why is violence bad?

Best press conference

Kenny Lowe in Round 14. Wayward, expressive, full of colloquialisms and self-deprecating humour. We were told that he is “an engineer by trade” but that he rather liked coaching and that Shane Smeltz was "hobbling around like a 94 year old". Sure, Perth Glory’s season didn’t turn around like Lowe might’ve hoped, and many fans aren’t happy that he was appointed for next season, but he’s good fun for bored journos.

Special mention also goes to Peter Sidwell for his “we’ve all got blood on our hands” comment during the presser announcing the sacking of John Aloisi from Melbourne Heart. Some perspective please. We know football people are precious, but this is taking things waaaaay too seriously. Also, why do we plebs have blood on our hands? Did the board not make the decision?

Weirdest moment

Michael Thwaite’s pants-down protest at the referee. God only knows.

Most embarrassing moment

Thursday FC. The less said about this trainwreck of a show the better, but football fans will be tuning in next season hoping for the SBS of old, not the new hipster SBS. Some soul, please.

Second most embarrassing moment

Jason Derulo's pre-match entertainment at the grand final. With a half-and-half Brisbane Roar-Western Sydney Wanderers jersey, Derulo endeared himself to nobody. You're a poor man’s Usher, Derulo.

Best name

Ranko Despotovic is a perfect name for a large angry striker. Closely followed by the normative determinism of Wanderers striker Golgol Mebrahtu and Adelaide striker Jeronimo Neumann. Storm Roux isn't bad either, but the big Serbian despot gets the gong.

Best Twitter stoush

Scott Munn and George Calombaris, who traded insults over Melbourne Heart and Melbourne Victory. Munn made fun of Victory's 5-0 loss to Wellington Phoenix (despite Heart being bottom of the table), Calombaris called him 'Mr Munt' and the best part was when South Melbourne fans accused Calombaris of being a traitor to Hellenism because of his new loyalty to Victory. Not to be outdone, Richard Garcia and Jerome Polenz's little internet battle was also good fun.

Worst haircut

Yep James, we're talking about you. Photograph: Masashi Hara/Getty Images

James Troisi and Kosta Barbarouses. With those quiffs they look more like a pair of actors who wandered off the set of The Hour. I blame Melbourne and hipsters. Take me back to the 1990s, to the days of Kimon Taliadoros’ grunge-mullet-and-goatee, Francis Awaritefe’s dreadlocks and the Robbie Slater’s flat top.

Biggest controversy

Brendon Santalab, Ali Abbas and the allegations of racism. Football Federation Australia put the decision off for as long as possible, and came up with the ‘loud noises’ defence. We move on, but something doesn’t feel right about it.

Strangest bedfellows

Fox Sports and SBS. Lord Rupert’s minions and the multicultural channel’s mung bean eaters shared the broadcast rights this season, and it all went pretty smoothly. Still, a cultural divide remains apparent between the two stations, and potshots are occasionally thrown, mostly about Jim Magilton and Barcelona. Bless.

Best newspaper column

Andrew McMillen’s feature in The Courier-Mail's Qweekend magazine in April. Our football journalists like to argue on Twitter about who exactly broke the news first and engage in existential debates about the relative merits of the ‘exclusive’ (here's my scoop: 99% of the population doesn't care who Jimmy Jeggo is, let alone which club he's signing for, let alone which journalist rewrote the press release first). McMillen's in-depth profile of Broich – a tremendously interesting character and a two time Johnny Warren Medalist – was a rare piece of writing.

Best kit

Newcastle’s ‘KB United’ away strip. Voted for by fans at the start of the season, the KB United “cinnamon and emerald” kit has been the centrepiece of a growing recognition of Newcastle’s rich football tradition. In that away strip and the Barcelona-esque home kit, at least the Jets looked like a football team.

Best coach

Mike Mulvey. You did good, Mike.

Dumbest marketing

Melbourne Heart. The #HeartBelieve hashtag was bad enough, but I died a little at Melbourne Heart’s appropriation of Wake Up, a Rage Against the Machine song. Usually played after Zach De La Rocha rants about anti-globalisation and multinational companies at RATM gigs, it is more than a little inappropriate considering Heart’s new oil-rich overlords. Just listen to Tom Morello shred, kids, music doesn’t have a message.

But if Heart/City can Rage Against the Machine, I think Sydney FC should start playing Immortal Technique before kick off, and Newcastle Jets should belt out Billy Bragg’s Which Side Are You On at Hunter Stadium. In all seriousness, that nobody has used DJ Kool’s Let Me Clear My Throat as the players walk onto the field illustrates a severe lack of imagination in the A-League marketing departments. Sort it out, fellas.

Biggest disappointment

That Ljubo Milicevic didn’t stay all season at Perth Glory. In fact, he barely stayed for a couple of months. He grows fruit trees in his backyard, Anglos can’t pronounce his name, he reads Charles Bukowski, he leads chants in the Newcastle home end, he is a clear-eyed critic of American foreign policy and the shallowness of Australian multiculturalism and chances are, he’s smarter than you. Namaste Ljubo. You are sorely missed.

Player of the season

Thomas Broich poses with the Johnny Warren Medal. Photograph: Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

Thomas Broich. Smashed it. Again.

Team of the season (4-2-3-1)

GK: Ante Covic (Wanderers)

RB: Ivan Franjic (Brisbane)

CB: Matthew Spiranovic (Wanderers)

CB: Osama Malik (Adelaide)

LB: Ali Abbas (Sydney FC)

M: Mark Milligan (Victory)

M: Luke Brattan (Brisbane)

M: James Troisi (Victory)

M: Marcelo Carrusca (Adelaide)

M: Thomas Broich (Brisbane)

S: Besart Berisha (Brisbane)

Subs: Adam Taggart (Newcastle), Matt McKay (Brisbane), Isaias (Adelaide), Tomi Juric (Wanderers), Michael Theo (Brisbane).