Dear Prudence,

I’ve been having weird dreams about my brothers for years that confuse me and make me uncomfortable around them. They’re sex dreams; in the dream world we’ve usually been having a secret romantic and sexual relationship for several years. I feel very uneasy when I wake up from these dreams, especially because I do not think about my brothers in this way at all. I don’t even like thinking about having sex; I’m asexual and it’s not my thing. These dreams seem to increase in frequency when I’m stressed, and having them makes me even more stressed out. What can I do to get over this weird, icky feeling I have whenever I’m around them after these messed-up dreams?

—Weirded-Out Sister

This sounds like the very definition of stressful! Many people dream about bizarre and unlikely situations that are not direct representations of things they want in their waking lives. You may find it useful to speak with a psychologist, not for the purpose of “figuring out” these dreams or trying to stop them—that’s sort of impossible—but to address the “weird, icky feeling” the dreams produce in you. This particular byproduct of stress is worth investigating, and I think you’ll feel less like you have a distressing secret if you’re able to talk about your responses to stress, your response to your dreams, and how you deal with emotion with someone in an open and exploratory fashion.

Dear Prudence,

I am pregnant, and I feel lucky to have a wonderful partner and a comfortable life. However, I don’t know how to make peace with my childhood. My dad was a tyrant who hit us and made us very afraid. No one outside of our home would have guessed that he was abusive, and you wouldn’t know it today. He’s manipulative and controlling but now that he doesn’t have financial power over me, he doesn’t have much leverage, and 95 percent of the time he’s funny and pleasant.

I am paralyzed with fear over the relationship he’ll have with my son. I understand that he’s not going to belt my son like he did to my brother, but he used to just snap. We were physically punished for being too loud, or crying, or spilling something—all the normal things small children do. I am responsible for keeping my child safe, and I’m so scared he’ll do some little thing and my dad will lose it like he used to and hit my son. That would be on me. My issue is how to make peace with my past, especially because my father denies ever hitting us as kids. I don’t know if it’s gaslighting or if he truly doesn’t remember, but it’s hard for me to believe he saw our bruises and our fearful obedience and didn’t know what he did. I also don’t know if he has a mental health issue that made it difficult to deal with children. I want to be compassionate and forgive him, but part of me can’t, and I need to protect my child. My husband is supportive of whatever boundaries I need. How do I sort this out?

—Anxious Mother-to-Be

It sounds like you’re working really hard to try to contextualize or justify your father’s abusive behavior, and I hope you can release yourself from that responsibility. Whatever his own childhood was like, and whatever mental health issues he may or may not have, he chose to beat you and your brother repeatedly, and your compassion does not need to extend so far that you forgive him for something he has never acknowledged, much less asked forgiveness for. I think your instinct to protect your child is a good one, and I think you also deserve to protect yourself. Leaving aside the question of whether your father would ever hit his grandchild, it’s worth asking how you would feel spending time with your child around the man who physically abused you, afraid that he was about to revert to his violent ways. That sounds painful and stressful, and I don’t think you should have to put yourself in that situation simply because you’re a compassionate person who desires peace and harmony. Just because your father is pleasant and fun 95 percent of the time now doesn’t erase the past, and I can’t help but wonder how much that other 5 percent takes a toll on your well-being. It may help you to see a therapist with your husband as you decide what boundaries you want to set with your father and your son. You don’t have to revisit the past with him if you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing so, but if you do, I think you should say (with someone else present), “Dad, you hit me and my brother so often growing up that we lived in constant fear of you. You hit us for spilling things, for crying, for talking loudly—for being children. I don’t want to relive that experience, and when I think about you spending time with my son, I feel paralyzed with fear. I can’t live that way.” Whether that means you don’t want to spend time alone with your father and your son, or whether you don’t want him around you at all, even in public with your husband present, is up to you. Any choice you make in your own best interest, taking into account your own comfort and safety, is a good one, and I wish you all the support imaginable in making that choice.

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Dear Prudence,

My partner, “Ross,” and I live in a townhouse complex. Our new next-door neighbor has become good pals with Ross. Turns out, he’s a knocker. As soon as Ross gets home from work in the evenings, our neighbor knocks on the door and pulls him out for an hourlong conversation. This is frustrating for two reasons: Our younger dog barks when he hears the knocking and people talking outside, and Ross is slightly miserable about the situation but will not bring himself to set boundaries. He’s asked the neighbor multiple times to text first, but if Ross doesn’t answer a text immediately, the neighbor comes a-knockin’. I’m delighted my partner has a new pal (and he does like him!). But I’m terrified that the loud barking every evening is going to irritate the other neighbors. I’m also frustrated by the random drop-bys, but I understand it may be a cultural difference (our neighbor has only lived in the U.S. for about six months). I’m training our dog, but I don’t want him to stay completely quiet when there are noises outside the door (in case of burglars). How can I convince Ross that this is driving me nuts and to please set boundaries!

—Knocked Out

When it comes to the noise issue, if Ross is going to answer the door and step outside—knowing that this is what sets your dog off—he should take responsibility for keeping the dog quiet, either bringing the dog outside or inviting the neighbor in. When it comes to the frequency and duration of these visits, Ross can certainly say, “Please don’t come over until you’ve gotten a text back from me—otherwise the dog gets set off and we’re worried about bothering the other neighbors.” Then he should get in the habit of practicing phrases like “I’ve got to head back inside now, see you around”—not cutting his new friend off or offering a fake excuse, simply making it clear that he’s no longer available to chat outside the door. If it takes Ross a while to build up the nerve to say something, you can always play bad cop and say, “I’m sorry to have to steal him from you,” and bring him back into the house. Your neighbor seems genuinely friendly—it’s not as if he’s aware of your boundaries and is simply steamrolling over them—so I think that with some more direct signals about when the conversation is over, he’ll respond beautifully. You two might also consider inviting the man over for a proper sit-down dinner sometime soon, since he and Ross get on so well, he’s still new to the country, and you know he likes your company.

Dear Prudence,

Three years ago, the FBI showed up at the home of my sister-in-law, “Lois,” unannounced with a search warrant for the electronics of her husband, “Gary.” They discovered that Gary had been searching for and downloading child pornography. He claimed that he had a pornography addiction and that he had accidentally downloaded child pornography in an attempt to view “barely legal” content. Lois and Gary have a small child, and when I discovered his search terms (as listed on the warrant) were specific to children his son’s age, I made a report to child protective services. (I’m a mandated reporter but would have made the report regardless.) This created a huge divide in the family that persists three years later. I tried to be upfront and include Lois in the process, and to help her make a plan I believed CPS would be happy about. However, my parents-in-law were angry that I did this and felt the only way to support Lois was to immediately forgive Gary and accept whatever his “defense” was. My mother-in-law is very committed to her own 12-step recovery program and immediately identified with his “addiction” explanation. Gary eventually pleaded guilty, spent six months in jail, and is back living in our community. It appears their marriage will survive, and he is having overnights in their home again.

My wife and I (and at least some of her siblings) received a “making amends” letter in the mail from Gary. He apologized without going into detail about what he did and included a three-page résumé regarding the spiritual counsel he’s received and his work as a mentor to others with his addiction. I feel this is all utter nonsense. The more I’ve thought about it the more I worry that our silence is seen as an “acceptance” of his amends. Our relationships with Lois and with my mother- and father-in-law have been severely damaged. I worry for the safety of my nephew, who now appears to have unsupervised time with his father. Does not replying to this letter give my in-laws the impression that we’re willing to keep the peace? Or worse, give them the impression we forgive him?

—Mandated Reporter

I share your disappointment and horror, and I’m so glad that you filed that report with CPS and have declined to be taken in by your brother-in-law’s vague, nonspecific attempt at making amends. He was not arrested for having a pornography addiction; he was arrested for intentionally searching for and downloading pornography featuring the abuse of children his son’s age. Given that silence, complicity, and false forgiveness have been the watchwords from the rest of your in-laws, I do believe that you and your wife have grounds to make it clear that you find his (and their) response to be insufficient and unsafe, that you do not believe he should be unsupervised with children, and that you won’t spend time with him. Since the rift is already deep between you and your wife’s family, I don’t think you stand to lose much, but speaking honestly in the midst of a great deal of half-truths will go a long way toward relieving your conscience and making the path forward clearer.

Dear Prudence Uncensored

“This is exactly how multigenerational predation happens. Next up: Someone new joins the family, no one tells them about BIL, he offers to watch their kids.”

Daniel Mallory Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe discuss this letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

I found myself conflicted about something that happened yesterday. While walking through the grocery store parking lot, I passed a man who made eye contact and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, I think you’re really beautiful,” and then went about his business loading his groceries in the car. While I usually give catcallers a piece of my mind, this didn’t feel like a normal catcall and it just didn’t feel appropriate to go off on him. In fact, my direct urge in the moment was to say, “Thank you,” but it still made me feel a little awkward. I gave him what must have been a bewildered look and then kept going. What should my response have been? Am I bad feminist for feeling flattered?

—Catcalled but Not Creeped Out

Feminism is not about modulating or directing how one feels. Having a conflicted emotional response to an unexpected remark from a stranger is perfectly understandable, reasonable, and human. Part of what’s anxiety-inducing about even a seemingly innocuous comment from a male stranger about one’s appearance is the question of whether he’s going to simply leave it at that. Most of the time, catcallers don’t stop with “Hey, you look beautiful, well done there, have a great day”—they follow up with extreme propositions, demeaning suggestions, insults, harassment, and sometimes violence. When a stranger says, “I think you’re really beautiful,” you don’t know if he’s then going to walk away or start demanding sexual favors, and that uncertainty can be profoundly destabilizing. It can also be flattering to receive a compliment, even if you experience that destabilization alongside it! You are not obligated to do or say anything when a stranger addresses you; saying nothing is a totally polite and appropriate response.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I were asked by our neighbors a few years ago if we would check in on their elderly cat while they went on vacation. We happily agreed. They go on weeklong vacations or long-weekend trips four or five times a year, and it’s not a big deal. We get in the house through their garage (they don’t have a home security system), the cat stays indoors, and we spend 10 to 15 minutes with her a few times a day.

The last time they went on vacation, I noticed that there was an iPhone propped up against the pillows on the bed in the master bedroom. The camera was facing out and it was charging, plugged into the wall. I texted my neighbor and asked, “Is that a webcam in your bedroom?” She confirmed that it was, so I jokingly asked, “Are you concerned we’re not checking on your cat every day?” She said, “I don’t know why my husband has it set up, but it’s definitely not for you guys!” And that was it.

It feels kind of creepy and insulting. We’re not the type to go snooping through people’s things. Why do they have it set up? If they wanted it for security, wouldn’t they have the webcam set up near the outside doors? If they wanted to spy on us, they weren’t very subtle. The iPhone was out there on the bed, plain as day, but they have the webcam set up only in the area where they knew we would be every day. It’s not even to watch the cat, since she is behind closed doors and doesn’t go in that room! Do we just let this go? We’re supposed to watch their cat a few more times this summer.

—Cat Sitter on Camera

I don’t think you’re going to get much more of an explanation out of your neighbors than the one you’ve already received, so the only question you have to answer is whether you’re comfortable continuing to cat-sit for them, knowing that they have a webcam set up and can see you when you stop by the house. If you can shrug it off as an odd (but at least obvious) quirk, then continue to do so; if you can’t, let them know that you’re not comfortable being filmed and that they’ll need to make alternate arrangements for future vacations. Either option is perfectly reasonable, and it’s not rude to decline to provide free cat-sitting services if you don’t feel comfortable being recorded.

Classic Prudie

“I was a bridezilla, and I’m so sorry about it. I told one of my bridesmaids to cover her tattoos. I told another to lose weight. I drove my maid of honor to tears with my constant demands and emails. I made my fiancé drop his brother as best man when I heard him tell my fiancé to end our relationship because I was crazy. When I look at the perfect pictures of our wedding, I just feel ashamed of myself. ”