(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

It’s rare that a couple feels as though both parties are perfectly equal in the sexual initiation stakes.

It’s easy to feel like one person always has to make the effort, or that the other is pestering when you’re just not in the mood.

Part of this imbalance comes from our own inability to assess when our partners are trying to get sexual, according to a new study.

In straight couples, women, in general, over-estimate their partner’s sexual advances, while men underestimate their partner’s attempts to kick off sex, says a new paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.




So basically, we’re not actually that great at assessing when our partners are making their move.

Researchers recruited 120 heterosexual couples who’d been together for between three months and 30 years. In the first group, using half of those couples, participants completed questionnaires about how often they and their partner attempt to initiate sex and how often they and their partner turn down an opportunity for sex.

The participants were asked to rate how often these events typically occur over a one month period, from ‘never’ to ‘more than 11 times a month’.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

They then read short descriptions of 29 actions that could indicate sexual interest (such as going in for a kiss or putting a hand on a partner’s thigh) and were asked to rate how they and their partner used these actions to indicate they were up for having sex.

Finally, the group completed questionnaires on their sexual satisfaction and love for their partner.

Researchers found that the couples weren’t half bad at identifying the behaviours their partners use to initiate sex, but that women tended to overestimate the number of times their partner attempted to signal it was sexy time.

Essentially, women thought men were initiating sex more often than men reported they actually were.

A second study conducted on the other half of the group found the same results for women, but this time also found that men underestimated their partner’s sexual advances, believing their female partners initiated sex less frequently than they did.

So women’s initiations may be going unnoticed, while men’s gestures may be misinterpreted as initiations of sex.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Is this because women’s sexy signals tend to be more subtle? Are women assuming men are always horny, so round up their sexual advance count? We’re not sure – more research is needed to find out why our estimates are off dependent on gender.

One theory is that in a long-term relationship the ‘costs’ of a man missing a sexual signal aren’t as high – if they miss one, sex will probably come around again – as the costs of responding sexually to something that wasn’t an initiation. To respond to every thigh stroke puts men at risk of rejection, which put a dent in any ego.

For women, those who overestimated their partner’s sexual advances reported feeling more sexual satisfaction, which researchers believe is down to feeling more attractive and desired. So the overestimation may simply be a way to make women feel like their partner is keen on having sex with them.



What can we learn from all this?

First off, that you’re not alone if you and your partner feel like there’s an imbalance in who starts sex. It’s a pretty common experience.

But secondly, and more importantly, it’s worth checking in with your partner if you feel like they’re making a sexual advance. It’s better to know whether they’re actually trying to have sex rather than just ignoring them and making them feel rejected, or assuming they’re making a move when they were instead just providing some comfort.

Communication is key, pals, and we shouldn’t be afraid to signal we’re up for sex when we’re keen and say no when we’re not.

If you’re feeling rejected, pipe up – it’s very possible that your subtle leg-stroking isn’t being read as the come on it’s intended to be.

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