I lived in America for 20 years, and there are some things that I really do love about the place. I'm a huge fan of American college football, and flip cup is a wonderful right-of-passage of any college-aged American. They invented bourbon and taquitos, along with flight and the escalator (stairs that climb for you!). America gave us the best serial killers, and Tom Hanks! But even with all these wonderful inventions and Tom Hanks, I'm glad to return to Canada after 20 years, because even though I have two passports in my back pocket, I know which country I would really rather live in.

So when I saw the title of Neil MacDonald's latest editorial last week "Farewell, America, Canada could learn a few things from you" two things became apparent to me. 1. Neil MacDonald doesn't care about comma splices and 2. Neil's article made me want to ram my forehead into a brick wall. I was hoping for an article on how Canada could make it's own rotisserie gas station taco substitutes, or how we could market our serial killers better. I was ready to get on board, Neil, since we both recently returned to Canada, I thought we had a lot in common. Unfortunately what we do not have in common is what we think Canada could learn from "The Land of the Free."

Ben Affleck + Bill Gates = Batman

So as a citizen of both Canada and America, I find myself uniquely qualified to respond to your article, because it's been out a week and it's been jabbing at my brain like an ice-pick lobotomy that just won't quit. So without further ado, a point by point breakdown of what "Canada could Learn from 'The Land of Free.'"

Never a best price

But we have more trees....?

You know, you got me there Neil. Starting off strong here Neil. There is absolutely no reason why e-books are more expensive in Canada. Putting 1's and 0's through a wire costs the same in America as it does in Canada. There are no shipping costs to data, but still we find ourselves paying up to 40% higher prices for books whether material or not. And it's worse when you know the only reason for this is that publishers know that Canadians are willing to pay higher prices for books. You could also take this as proof that Canadians value the written word more so than our southern neighbors, but we also pay higher prices for energy, airfare, and food, so we must value all that stuff more too, I guess.



Beyond corporate hosing, there are shipping costs, taxes and tariffs, government regulations, and the fact that our minimum wage is $10.60 vs. America's $7.60 per hour. I kind of like that last part though. To me, being able to earn a living wage in a 1st world country is kind of cool, no matter how hard Walmart lobbies against it. You got me on the price thing though. Canada is getting gouged on the book front. And the cheeseburger front. I wonder if Neil's job gave him swanky American health coverage. Mine didn't, so I didn't have healthcare. Good thing I didn't get sick.

Accountability

Because Canada never holds anybody accountable.... ever.

Ok Neil, you're going a bit off the rails here. I followed American politics with a fine toothed comb from 2000-2014. I saw the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, the bungling of Katrina, and the financial meltdown during the Bush administration, and I didn't see any accountability from any of it. I saw speculation, sure, but the worst that really happened was George W. Bush has to go into hiding to give his brother a shot at the White House. What about the multiple government shutdowns in the past 6 years, or the millions of dollars spent on pentagon projects the military doesn't want, while America's bridges and dams erode? What about the laughable internet infrastructure that Americans pay through the nose for?

Canada is a nation that just spent $21 million dollars to find $1 million in questionable Senate expenses. In America's world of bought-and-paid for politics, staggeringly well-funded, anonymous donor Super PACs, and a revolving door between Congress and high-paying lobbyist positions, American politics probably finds the Canadian Senate scandal incredibly quaint. Cute even.

Oh, and this!

Fun Fact: Americans approve of colonoscopies more than they approve of their own congress. *Real Clear Politics

That's a 15% approval rating for a body of government democratically elected to power, and that's an uptick from recent years. Yet, with the congressional approval rating hovering somewhere around head lice and carnies, they have a near 90% re-election rate. This is actually the opposite of accountability. If accountability existed in American politics, this would never happen, and neither would this...

This would be the equivalent of Mississippi going blue in America, which has the same probability of you gaining magical powers and being admitted into Hogwarts. *National Post

Democracy

Illinois 4th district, connected by a thin strip of highway median. Also, BY COMPLETE COINCIDENCE, outlines both the Mexican and Puerto Rican communities, even though they're 8 blocks apart.

That's called gerrymandering, and it's one of the reasons why American politicians keep their jobs even though they're more hated than stubbed toes and whooping cough. Here's another fun fact: school districts are also based on this political tomfoolery, which results in a strange, modern-day de-facto type of segregation, with completely uneven district funding to boot! I know, because I taught at these schools in Atlanta. It's super weird. I've never actually taken a Canadian civics course, so I don't know if this practice is done in Canada, but I would bet my bottom dollar that America is the best at it, because America is totally pro, and Canadian political corruption is amateur hour compared to the big leagues. By the way, I would love to tell you what the above shape looks like, but even my highly abstract and constantly confused mind can't recognize this as anything other than democratic malfeasance. Oh, and there's this!

Also, American parties have mascots, just like sports teams. Go TEAM!

That's 1000 millions. That's a billion dollars. I've never raised a billion dollars, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it without owing at least a couple of people favors. Don't worry though. What we're seeing here is freedom of speech through generous cash donations. The Supreme Court said so, which is like the Taco Supreme of the court system, if the court system were tacos. "And what are they getting for their money," you ask? A fabulous return on their investment, but don't take my word for it. Here's Vanderbilt University.

"Overall, the gain from participating in the contributions process translated to an average one-year increase in shareholder wealth across all of the firms analyzed of more than $106 billion, or about $154 million per year per firm."

$106 billion for a $1 billion investment? Of course I'm going to throw obscene amount of money at presidential candidates. It's my God* given right.

*God in these terms refers only to the Supreme Court of the United States.

Also, very little of that money was ever spent on me, since I lived in Georgia, and my vote for president essentially didn't count. Yay Democracy!

Doing the Right Thing

Because everybody knows Bigfoot is a pinko hippy communist! Art by: Jason ODIN Heuser

Oh boy Neil. You've done did it now. I could agree with you on the "Best Price" thing. I thought the "Accountability" bit was shaky, but I kept with it. The "Democracy" part was funny, but I did vote in America, so there was that. But this? Look, I'm not one of those Guy Fawkes guys, and I don't recommend we overthrow the American Government or anything, but when you're comparing America to Canada, and say Canadians could learn about "Doing the right thing" from America, I'm really starting to think this whole article was sarcasm.

Ok Rory... Deep Breath. Here we go. Bought-and-paid for politics. Corporate written legislation. The Military Industrial Complex. For profit healthcare. For profit prisons. Mass incarceration of minorities and the poor. A generation swimming in student dept. Wealth inequality. Warrantless mass surveillance of citizens. Secret drone bases in Somalia. A "secret" prison in Cuba with a very loose definition of torture. Mass shootings. Outrageous gun laws. CEO vs worker compensation. Police militarization and no-knock raids. The war on drugs. Kids waiting in prison for years for a trial. A broken education system. Endless wars. Going to war without proper justification. A crumbling infrastructure. The two party system. The working poor. Lack of social mobility. No maternity leave. No vacation days. A new video of police shooting minorities weekly. Corporate owned media. American Exceptionalism (whatever that means). Did I miss anything?

Don't get me wrong. There are some great things about America too. As Neil said, cheeseburgers are cheaper. Also, yes, people clap in the airport when the troops come home, even though the VA is currently threatening to close hospitals because of lack of congressional funding. And, you're right, Canada does have it's shortfalls, but if I'm looking for advice on how to make our nation better, I'll take it from Finland, thank you very much.

I will also take all Finnish advice on wearing funny hats and tending to reindeer.

So let's turn Neil's article on it's head. Let's let Neil know what America could learn from us, it's friendly, northern Canadian neighbor. Leave your suggestions on what America could learn from us in the comments below.