5 June 2015

-12:06 PM-

It just keeps going. The random thoughts that turn out to be not so random spiraling in on themselves in a fractal continuity. It beg to question if free will is actually real and just deemed so by those that classify themselves as sane. Trying to focus on one complete thought is like trying to catch and restrain a feral cat…oh, fucking hell I’m really trying hard right now to not run out and buy a bottle of vodka to kill this energy coursing through my veins. I can see how those that are relatively ignorant about themselves can feel like they are being possessed by some otherworldly force. Even at times I question whether or not that could truly be the case. It would certainly make things simpler in my opinion. The literal laughing out loud at certain realizations is a new thing. Again, I wonder if I am more or less sane for these hilarious revelations about life, the way the universe functions……OMFG and as this anxiety washes over me I vear off of my writing and stare blankly at the floor as the poor little sod of a hamster is having a heart attack trying to keep up on the wheel that is my mind. Something in my field of view…what is it…focus you idiot you can grab on to this one thing that can keep you from downing a fifth of vodka…fuking focus. A white speck on the ground…focus…it’s fuzzy slightly obscured by a dust bunny, but familiar…fucking focus you anxious bastard…excitement, no, mania grips me as the light bulb in my head flashes so brightly I’m made hysterical by the reveal, the stark contrast of a little white dot on brown crumbling grout. A memory of a movie quote flashes through my mind, “Are you watching closely? (Christian Bale as Alfred Borden in The Prestige).” Apparently, I wasn’t. How long have I been staring at this floor? How many countless hours spent pondering my sanity after I had my last benzo? Is this some kind of mercy gift that the universe has chosen to give me or just dumb luck? I dive to the floor, laughing madly surely this is some trick? I press my face up closely like a starving wild animal checking all of it’s senses to make out if that tiny morsel of hope is safe to consume. A brief moment of crushing disappointment rushes over me as I realize I’ve focused on a bread crumb…but wait the laughter, the mania the sheer joy of discovering what was just to the right of that crumb…I pick it up between my right index finger and thumb examining like a jeweler inspects a newly arrived diamond. it’s a little out of context of a song that pops into my head…or maybe it is…music is art and art really comes down to context….

The Nurse Who Loved Me

Say hello to the rug’s topography

It holds quite a lot of interest with your face down on it

Say hello to the shrinking in your head

You can’t see it but you know its there so don’t neglect it

I’m taking her home with me all dressed in white

She’s got everything I need pharmacy keys

She’s falling hard for me I can see it in her eyes

She acts just like a nurse with all the other guys

…Ativan my dear friend, how I have needed you to dull the noise. I set it on the table anxiously wondering if I’m reacting to addiction, the desire to quell my mental illness…or are they really anything but the same monster that stares back at me in the mirror every day. I start sweating profusely…it is hot in my house, but this isn’t from the heat. This kind of sweat has a smell to it, you know it’s wrong, you know your body is acting out of it’s fight or flight response. It reeks of fear and desperation. Do I take it now and wash it all away, or do I fight a little longer subduing the anxiety with the knowledge I can now, for at least one night, melt away all that is my twisted over stimulated ego. It’s is now 1:27 PM and it is truly frightening how much of my inner narrative I have left out of the last hour and twenty-one minutes.

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