If you felt the sudden urge to be petty af today, or to hit up your ex boyfriend just to confuse him, that’s probably because it is Taylor Swift’s birthday. We’ve seen Taylor grow from a 16-year-old country music star with impossibly curly hair to a 28-eight-year-old pop music graveyard girl with shorter impossibly curly hair. It’s kind of inspiring. Being that Taylor is almost 30 (gasp!!!), it’s probably time she update some of her more teenager-ey tunes to reflect her late-twenties lifestyle. You know, replacing the references to high school with references to LinkedIn, and adding in more lines about how you thought you’d be married or have a house by now, but instead you still have 5 roommates and are trolling for dick on Hinge. Inspiring stuff.

Anyway, to help welcome Taylor into the world of old millennials, we’ve updated the lyrics to her song “22” to reflect her new 28-year-old lifestyle. It’s a lot less dressing up like hipsters and clubbing, and a lot more putting on sweatpants (because your metabolism has slowed down irreparably and they’re the only thing that fit you right now) and texting your mom about how sad you are. It’s honestly better than it sounds.

“28” by Taylor Swift (sort of)

It feels like the perfect night to put on pajamas

And binge watch Netflix uh, uh, uh uh

It feels like the perfect night to but shit off Amazon

And fall asleep early, oh yeah

Yeah, we’re anxious depressed overworked and hangry at the same time

It’s miserable and miserable oh yeahhhh

Oh fuck I realized I forgot all my deadlines, oh shit

Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight

I cancel basically all my plans now, you’re lucky I came out

You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty

I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll act fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight (twenty-eight)

It seems like one of those nights

I’m leaving early. This place is too crowded. Too many college kids, uh uh, uh uh

It seems like one of those nights

We Irish goodbye

And drink some boxed wine

Yeah

Sorry I was late, but now I’m twenty eight

I cancel basically all my plans now, so you’re lucky I came out

You don’t know about me, but I’m almost thirty

I don’t really need new friends, but I’ll be fake now ‘cuz I’m twenty-eight