Chapter Text

"Does my pen only write bitter words for those who are dear to me?

Is it love if I take you, or is it love if I set you free?

The ink flows down into a dark puddle

How can I write love into reality?

If I can't hear the sound of your heartbeat

What do you call love in your reality?

And in your reality, if I don't know how to love you

I'll leave you be"

The first thing I sense is the idle sound of a whirling fan.

Next, the sensation of laying down.

My eyes open toward the grey popcorn ceiling.

I yawn and look around.

Something is not right about my room.

My area where I write poetry is not cleared. The room is littered with papers from last year's classes.

My head catches up with me, and thoughts and images rush in like a tidal wave. Chills go down my spine.

Did I... was it a nightmare? Is it real? I run to my window and look outside.

My window faces Sayori's apartment. Her shutters are still closed, and her lights out.

Throwing my clothes on the fastest I ever had, I run downstairs and outside the building, over to Sayori's.

It's freezing cold outside, but I don't care.

But I stop at the door.

Is it really okay for me to barge in on her like this? What if she's just peacefully sleeping and I'm the jerk because I worried too much?

In my mind's eye, distraught and hopeless resolutions well up and fill my thoughts before I shove them back down and repress them.

I stand there with my arm out, ready to knock on the door, but I can't bring myself to do it.

If it really was a nightmare, Sayori probably wouldn't be happy that I got her up for no reason over an hour before school starts.

But if it wasn't... I couldn't bear to see Sayori like that anyway...

My swarming thoughts meet a conclusion. I knock on the door.

No response.

I turn the doorknob.

It's locked.

A cold sweat begins on my forehead. No, this can't be.

Is was all a dream, right?

Monika wouldn't... would she?

I cover my face with my arms, and begin banging the top of my head into the side of Sayori's house as hard as I can repeatedly until I can't think about the pain any more.

Suddenly, the door opens. I let out a gasp and look to see Sayori standing in the doorway, with tired eyes and her rose coloured hair badly ruffled, and barely dressed in baggy pyjamas.

MC : "Sayori!"

I embraced her immediately. It was okay. She was okay...

Sayori jumped in surprise.

Sayori : "MC, are you alright? What's going on?"

I knew it was a nightmare. Sayori would never do something like that... She's been happy and cheerful my entire life.

MC : "Sayori... I... Had such a nightmare..."

She probed me for information, what was the dream about?

But I can't bring myself to say it... For whatever reason, I feel that it would do more damage than good to put those kind of thoughts and images into her head...

I let her go. Her expression is one of confusion and concern.

There she is, clad in her PJs, clawing at her own neck, digging into her skin and flailing her legs and she kicks to try to find footing before all the oxygen leaves her brain and she is left there, a limp and lifeless shell of the greatest happiness, and only light in my life, Sayori.

Sayori : "This isn't like you, MC. Please tell me about what happened."

MC : "I... I..."

There is no way I can lie to Sayori after what happened.

MC : "I... Had a dream where we joined a club together, like you've been talking about. But... But something wasn't right and... really really bad things happened, Sayori. I just.. I had to make sure it wasn't real. I'm sorry."

I want to hug her again. But I can feel her uneasiness as I draw closer, so I stop.

She lets me in.

Sayori : "It's okay, MC. Just sit downstairs for a bit while I go and get dressed and we'll talk about it, okay?"

Huh?

Just the thought of her being alone up in her room makes me feel a little bit...

I swallow and stay silent as she paces up the creaky stairs and shuts her bedroom door.

What follows was a deadly silence. For several minutes, I sat there, alone.

I could have prevented this. I know I could have prevented this! Turning down her confession... That must have been what drove her over the edge!

A saran-wrapped tray of four cupcakes sat on her kitchen counter.

Her clock was noisy.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. The time counting down...

I laid the corpse of my best friend on the ground as I desperately tried to do CPR. I have never done anything with such effort. My breath ran out-I gave it all to Sayori, but she wouldn't wake up. Her lips turn from lukewarm to cold as I try desperately, sobbing as my mind races. The light in her eyes fades away, forever...

If I had come to check on her before school, maybe I could have caught her in time.

A door creaks open, and Sayori comes downstairs in her school uniform. She is wearing her blazer unbuttoned, as usual, and a fluffy pink skirt.

But she didn't find me waiting where she left me. Instead, the sound of gagging followed by the wet splash of my stomach emptying out echoed down her halls.

She followed the noise to the bathroom, where I was kneeled over the toilet.

MC : "Sayori... Don't look. I'm so *burp* sorry..." I struggled to speak through nausea and tears.

Sayori shrieked and ran away. She gathered her composure for a moment.

But within a few seconds, she came back in. I was done at that point, just sitting down on the bathroom.

Flashes of hot and cold flow over me. A cold sweat drops from my forehead down to my arm.

What is happening?

MC : "It was so vivid... so real... I swear it was real, Sayori..." I try to continue, but begin sobbing uncontrollably.

I'm huddled on the floor in a ball, and can't see Sayori anymore, but I feel her touch on my shoulder, I feel her bewilderment, her utter confusion about how to handle this situation. Her embrace felt like... a warm blanket. Like coming home to the fireplace after a cold winter night...

Sayori : "It's okay, MC. It was just a dream. Everything is okay."

Sayori tried to comfort me. But her voice of concern felt like a knife cutting into me... I hated to see her like this, not her usual cheery self at all.

The sobbing got worse, until I was convulsing on the floor violently. Each sob, a loud and sharp intake of air, was punctuated between my howling cries of agony.

It was worthless. She was dead. I tried and tried but she wouldn't get up. The paramedics would be here soon. They would know what to do, right? They could help her. They could bring her back. And we would get her the help she needs. We could fix this. One day, we'll smile about this, and Sayori will thank me for giving her another chance. She'll tell me that she knows what she did wasn't right, it was an act of desperation. That she owes every piece of experience, and every shred of fleeting happiness after that moment... to me. What she doesn't know is that, in saving her, she would save me.

I close her eyes as and pick up her light, motionless body, and put her on the bed. I am hyperventilating.

Slowly, pull the covers over her and close her eyes.

Her appearance, a fallen angel...

She's just sleeping. She's just sleeping. She's just sleeping.

It felt like forever, but once the sobs calmed down, and I was left shivering and twitching on the cold bathroom tile floor, Sayori tightened her embrace on me.

Guilt hit me like a derailed train while Sayori slowly released me. She motioned for me to join her as she headed toward the door.

If I hadn't burdened her with my own feelings and anxieties...

Sayori has enough to worry about. She doesn't need to worry about me.

Then why? Why was I so selfish?

Why did it have to be about me? Just because I felt like I needed to see her because of MY own bad dream...

Wait... That's right! It was just a dream. In reality, I haven't been to Sayori's house in a long time! Maybe even years.

What kind of friend am I? The only time I come over is when I need something from her.

MC : "I'm sorry for all of this, Sayori. I really shouldn't have burdened you like this."

Sayori : "Don't be silly! I know you would do the same thing for me if I had a really bad dream too."

It must have been a figment of my imagination. When she said that, I saw something strange for a moment. A flicker, or something like it. Something... strange and out of place.

Sayori was as cheerful as always. But there was something unsettling about it. I get the feeling that she... isn't saying everything.

I forget about it before too long. There are better things to worry about, anyway.

Sayori beckons towards the cupcake tray.

Sayori : "Here, would you like a cupcake before we head out? I had a friend bake them."

"It's not like I... Made them for... Y-you or anything! Idiot!"

MC : "Nats.." I trail off, catching myself.

Sayori looks at me curiously.

Sayori : "Oh, you know her?"

I have to think of something, quick.

MC : "Y-yeah, we met once in the beginning of the year during a... bake-sale. So... She's the only one I know who can make cupcakes like that!"

That was a good save. But what exactly am I saying?

Then it hits me.

If Natsuki was real...

We decided to walk to school together like old times, since classes were starting soon and since I paid her a visit already.

All the way, Sayori acts like things are all fine now and I follow the act. Deep down, I feel unsettled by something that doesn't make sense in my mind.

I never met Natsuki before. Only in my dream last night did I meet her in the Literature Club.

If Natsuki is real...

Once again, I got cold chills. I looked toward Sayori.

She was beaming, practically skipping and humming in anticipation for another day at school.

Could it really be that...

Could it really be that it was real, and that Monika gave me a second chance?

"I'll leave you be..."

Could it really be that Sayori has been keeping her depression from me her whole life, so that she wouldn't worry me?

Sayori left to go to her classes, but in English I could not stop thinking about what just happened.

My mind was wandering when the lunch bell rang.

In the hectic main hall of the school, students bumped into each other as they filed into the rooms.

I caught a glimpse of something.

A purple haired girl with books tucked under her arm...

She goes down the hall and into a science classroom.

There is no denying it now, this was no bad dream. Monika was real. Yuri was real. Natsuki was real. The literature club... Was real. And that means...

Sayori...

Monika gave me one shot before she... for lack of better word, died, or left for good.

This could be my only chance to make things right!