21 January 2014

The Difference Between Happy & Healthy

First, a belated Happy New Year to visitors. I hope 2014 is good to you. I was tempted to write something more specific. Something along the lines of “brings you health” or “brings you happiness”. This got me thinking about the needs of people seeking a therapist (whether they be individuals or couples).

To some (perhaps many) people, wishing someone happiness is a no-brainer – who doesn’t want to be happy? And yet, I respect the fact that some of us may be awash in “happy” – not the good sort of happy. It could be our family, our friends. Our co-workers might look at us, as if we just don’t get it: why can’t you just be happy? The not-so-good “happy” is an inauthentic happiness – it’s feeling forced to be happy when we don’t want to be or don’t feel like it (for reasons we may be aware of or not). If we do this for too long – force ourselves to be disingenuously happy – particularly starting at a young age, the results can be problematic: a confusion about putting other people’s needs (perceived or real) before ours which we carry into adulthood. We end up feeling like an actor with a collection of masks as opposed to the more natural and healthy day-to-day “selves” we may use when we go between mixed environments – these are typically healthy, interwoven variations on the same “me”: the work me, the coffee shop me, the relationship me, the alone me. Perhaps a little different than each other, but the same person.

Happy is relative and – if I may be honest – shouldn’t be a blanket expectation we presumptively transpose onto those around us (or ourselves). It can be vague to some, empty to others, regardless that most of the people who use it do mean well. I suppose what I’m saying is that happy and healthy are not always mutually inclusive.

Some people prefer “contentment” to happiness. Perhaps one thing to consider, for 2014 and in general, is the language we use to gauge how we are feeling. Does it set us up to unreasonable standards? Or, contrarily, if we used language that was more aspirational would that help us move forward in our lives more freely?