WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA— Questioning every decision that led her to the crucial moment, shopper Lisa Kolman spiraled into a churning vortex of crippling self-doubt Tuesday after the cashier at her local Trader Joe’s failed to compliment or even comment on any of the items she had purchased. “The woman at the register next to me is practically drowning in accolades from store employees, but my cashier hasn’t said a thing, not even about the olive tapenade hummus or the chocolate babka, and I just don’t understand what I did wrong,” said the self-conscious Kolman, who described bottoming out with deep shame when the cashier scanned her entire cart of frozen appetizers, wines, and assorted baked goods without uttering a single word of praise. “She seemed civil enough, but when she rang up my garlic naan and container of fresh mozzarella cheese, she neither asked what I was cooking nor encouraged me to make a fun pizza with it. I should have known I’d messed up when she scanned the two jars of cookie butter spread without saying anything nice to me. Not even get a simple ‘Yum, I love these!’ or ‘Ooh, have you tried these before?’ Even the guy bagging my groceries seemed to disapprove.” Kolman immediately decided to return all the items in her cart and start shopping all over again.

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