WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn second to think. “Shut up, shut up, shut up! We just need a minute to figure everything out, okay?” said viscera-splattered spokesperson Luke Knauss, staring intently but impotently at the warm blood dripping from his hands before grabbing his friend’s cell phone and smashing it on the ground in case it could be traced. “Okay, okay, that bought us a couple minutes. Oh God, fuck, alright. We can fix this. We can fix this. Everything will be fine as long as we move quick, think smart, and come up with a plan. Fuck, everything is happening too fast!” At press time, America’s blood-drenched citizens had managed to find an abandoned but running police SUV, cram their kids in the back, and tell them not to look no matter what they heard before driving off down a backcountry road with their headlights doused in search of a secluded ravine.

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