Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished readers, spambots, trolls, and easily offended moms here by accident from Facebook:

Thank you for joining me in the State of the Union.

(pause for applause)

(pause grows awkward in length)

*cough* You know, NOBODY governs like America!

(Rock-and-roll solo squeals out. Crowd goes wild, as it should.)

But you've forgotten that, my fellow Americans. You've forgotten how hard you rock, and you've given in to fear. You fear that America's powers are in decline. You fear that this country is crumbling to enemies both domestic and foreign. You fear that there's nothing you can do about it, or worse: that you can, but it requires effort.

Look, I won't lie to you: America's bleeding. But let me ask you a question, Sniffles O'Buttercup -- are you going to sit there posting Facebook statuses about how hard you weep for this country, or are you going to sack up, cinch in, and light this patriotism shit off?

You can cry about the America we have, or you can help build the America we want. The best way to do the latter is by solving one problem with another. See, we are fortunate enough to have problems that fit together into a self-devouring crisis ecosystem. Therefore I am proposing that Congress turn the following weaknesses into strengths:

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