PORTLAND, OR--A Portland police officer went undercover as a member of the Portland Trail Blazers last month in an attempt to infiltrate a local drug ring. The cop, detective Phil Pacheco, donned the red and black uniform of the Blazers and was immediately welcomed into the inner circle of drug kingpin Carl “Big Daddy” Patterson, who was later arrested. Pacheco called the operation “a huge success.” “Well that went very, very well,” said a satisfied Pacheco, his feet propped up on his desk. “I must say it was a stroke of genius for me to wear that Blazers uniform. As soon as I put it on I looked like a drug dealer, I felt like a drug dealer. In fact, I even smoked a little weed with Big Daddy while I was wearing it. Drugs just seem to taste better when you’re wearing a Portland Trail Blazers uniform.” The Grove St. drug ring was the toughest, most mysterious drug ring that Pacheco has seen in his twenty-two years on the job. After years of trying to infiltrate it, many in the department believed it was impenetrable. That’s when Pacheco decided to go undercover as a Blazer. “A lot of people said it couldn’t be done. A lot of people said Grove St. couldn’t be penetrated by the CIA, but I proved them wrong,” Pacheco said. “See, in police work you’ve got to get inside the heads of the criminals. You’ve got to think like they do. If not, they’ll sniff you out in a heartbeat. We tried dressing up as gangsters, prostitutes, homeless people, you name it. But nothing worked until I approached them wearing a Blazers road uniform. You know, those handsome red and black numbers? Instantly, they were like ‘OK, he’s cool. He’s with the Blazers.’” Pacheco’s decision to disguise himself as a Portland Trail Blazer was based on the team's history of drug abuse and legal problems. Players like Damon Stoudamire, Ruben Patterson, Zach Randolph, and ex-Blazer Rasheed Wallace have all had run-ins with the law and have the respect of the city’s drug dealers. The only mystery to Pacheco is why nobody thought of it earlier. “After all these years, you’d think we would have thought of this earlier,” he said. “Big Daddy has been dealing with these guys for years. He even had an autographed 8 x 10 of Zach Randolph. It said ‘Big Daddy-Thanks for that amazing cocaine you sold me last week. Regards, Zach Randolph.’ I guess these guys aren’t too concerned about being discreet.” Pacheco also thanked the Trail Blazers organization for providing him with an official team uniform. The shorts and tank top were custom fitted for the detective, and the team even stitched the name ‘Det. Pacheco’ on the back. Big Daddy and his bodyguards didn't suspect a thing. “I thought it was a little much when they put my actual name and title on the back,” said Pacheco. “But they didn’t even notice. As soon as they saw that Blazers uniform they let their guard down. I had free access to Big Daddy’s home and even his top secret safe house on the outskirts of town. And to think, people say the Blazers aren’t active in the community. Apparently they are extremely active.” Blazers owner Paul Allen was awarded a citation from the Portland PD for his help in breaking up Big Daddy’s drug ring. The donation of the uniforms was seen as the key component in infiltrating the criminal gang. Allen thanked the police for the citation and promised continued cooperation in the future. “Hopefully this is the beginning of a long and fruitful partnership,” Allen said. “Our organization has been in close contact with the police before under different circumstances and we’re prepared to help out in any way we can. I would hope that in the future, when one of our players is arrested, the police will show us the same kind of cooperation we’ve shown them. This is very important because I think Qyntel Woods is about to be arrested.” Not everyone was thrilled with the Blazers’ partnership with the police. Several players ripped Allen for conspiring with Pacheco and “fucking up their shit.” Among them was star Zach Randolph, who called Allen a traitor. “Man, that’s just wrong. The way he did that, that’s just wrong,” said Randolph. “We’ve been loyal to him and then he turns and goes all Benedict Arnold on us. He got Big Daddy arrested. Our owner got Big Daddy arrested. That’s it. I’m taking back that motherfucking linen bed skirt I bought him for Christmas.” Qyntel Woods was also disturbed by the incident, and said he was extremely concerned about the collaboration between Allen and the cops.



“Oh wow, that’s not good. I wish he didn’t do that,” said Woods. “I’m a little concerned about the fact that Big Daddy was arrested. He was the guy that was raising all of my fighting pit bulls for me. He’s got dozens of them at his safe house. Normally I would just deny they were mine, but I shaved ‘Qyntel’ into their sides. Plus, I’m pretty sure there’s a picture of me on the wall with my face buried in a pile of powder like Al Pacino in Scarface. I’ve got my Blazers uniform on and I’m giving a big thumbs up. I know, I know. We’re not very good at being discreet. What can I say?”









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