PHOENIX—Reveling in a brief period during which it was reasonably free of any toxic substances, local man Trevor Gipson’s bloodstream reportedly enjoyed an hour-long intermission Friday between its daily coffee and alcohol blitzes. Sources confirmed that the blood flowing through Gipson’s body savored all 60 minutes in which two morning cups of coffee and an afternoon latte were no longer drastically elevating the office manager’s pulse, but before several after-work cocktails would dilate his blood vessels and send his blood pressure plunging. As the stimulant effects of the caffeine subsided late in the afternoon, Gipson’s bloodstream reportedly basked in a pleasing equilibrium that remained until being neutralized by a flood of depressants from happy hour drinks at local tavern O’Reilly’s. At press time, Gipson’s bloodstream was cherishing the 30-second pause between alcohol consumed at the bar and the cocaine consumed in the bar’s restroom.

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