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I spend a lot of time at Costco.

It’s where I buy about 90% of my groceries.

It’s where I can get a big-ass ice cream for my kids for a super low price.

It’s where I can order a pizza that’s delicious and fairly inexpensive and ready to eat when I’m done shopping.

I love it there.

Unfortunately, I don’t love most of the people who shop there, because the majority of them seem to be lacking in common sense, etiquette, and really any moral conscience whatsoever.

So I’ve come up with some guidelines for the self-absorbed douchebags who belong to Costco, hoping to make life easier for the ten percenters who don’t have their heads rammed completely up their own asses.

I present to you,

The 10 Commandments Of Costco

1. Have your fucking card ready at the door.

2. If you don’t have your fucking card ready at the door, pull your fucking cart over to the side and get the fuck out of everyone’s way.

3. When you enter the refrigerated areas, do not leave your fucking cart in the doorway and block the whole fucking entrance.

4. When you approach the free samples, be aware of the people around you. If you see a mom with two young children and there are only three samples left, don’t be a dick. Let the little kids have them first. Especially if it’s the torta rolls. Kids love those things.

5. When you see a mom with more than three children – actually, more than two children – actually, fuck that. When you see a mom with any children shopping in Costco on the weekend, smile at her. She’s performing miracles.

6. If you are the person checking receipts at the exit and there is more than one child in a cart, DO NOT PUT THE SMILEY FACE ON THE BACK OF THE RECEIPT. Instead, take two or three or however many cards are necessary from your pocket and give each child the exact same smiley face on the exact same size of paper. Please.

7. When you are walking back to your car with your cart, do not walk in the middle of the fucking parking lot at a snail’s pace. Don’t be an asshole. Move over to the side.

8. RETURN YOUR FUCKING CARTS.

9. When exiting the parking lot, stop and let the person who has been waiting for more than 60 seconds back out of a space.

10. When someone waits and lets you back out of the parking spot you’ve been stuck in for the last three minutes, don’t be an asshole. Smile. Wave. And say thank you.

Whoever obeys these commandments and teaches them, shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

The rest of you?

Well, you are all subject to an eternity in the fires of Costco hell.

Also known as the parking lot.