NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Concerned that her endorsement of former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney for President would lead to “cheap, easy jokes and innuendo,” porn star Jenna Jameson held a press conference today to explain her headline-making decision.

When asked what initially appealed to her about Mr. Romney, Ms. Jameson said, “He’s the only person who’s assumed more positions than I have.”

The actress said that she researched Mr. Romney’s career thoroughly, and was particularly impressed by his tenure at Bain Capital: “There’s nothing more American, I think, than screwing people you don’t know for money.”

While Mr. Romney’s recent foreign trip drew jeers from his critics, Ms. Jameson hailed his performance: “I respect someone who opens their mouth without thinking.”

The actress, who appeared as the character Holly So Tightly in the film Dirt Merchant, seemed unconcerned by the controversy swirling about Mr. Romney’s bank accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans: “I’ve put my assets in plenty of foreign places.”

Ms. Jameson concluded her presser by reiterating her fulsome support of the G.O.P. candidate: “Mitt Romney will do to all of America what I have already done to half of America.”

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Photograph: Bryan Steffy/WireImage