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Just think of The Onion, a mock newspaper full of satire. The following 15 stories would be perfect for that publication ... if they weren't so real.

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Staten Island Advance/Bill Lyons

Man spends life savings preaching about world's end, world doesn't end

Port Richmond resident Robert Fitzpatrick spent his life savings to preach about the end of the world, expected Saturday, May 21, 2011 at 6 p.m. He journeyed to Times Square to endure the end ... but it didn't happen, and the media and dozens of others were there to take it in.

"It's 6 o'clock we're still alive," hollered Dyan Cahill of Rosebank, and the crowd responded with hearty applause.

"I guess we're not saved and neither is this dude," Ms. Cahill added.

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Staten Island Advance

Zebra and pony go on the lam, trot down Victory Boulevard

A zebra and a pony became an unusual popular Staten Island pair when they were spotted trotting down Victory Boulevard in Travis in 2012.

"I was sitting at my desk at about 9:20 when I saw a zebra and pony run back and forth across the street, almost getting hit by a car," a witness said.

But it gets even crazier: "About 30 seconds later, I saw two men in dark black suits carrying lassos running across the street."

The pair escaped their Travis home when the owner accidentally left a gate open.

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Staten Island Advance composite

Lawyer seeks trial by combat to resolve lawsuit

A Staten Island lawyer wanted to settle out of court, literally. Richard A. Luthmann last summer requested a trial by combat to resolve a lawsuit. It was, predictably so, denied earlier this year.

"I believe that the court's ruling is based upon my adversaries' unequivocal statement that they would not fight me," said Luthmann after his request was shot down. "Under my reading of the law, the other side has forfeited because they have not met the call of battle. They have declared themselves as cowards in the face of my honorable challenge, and I should go to inquest on my claims."

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Staten Island Advance

Obsessed with buses, guy finally steals one

A 20-year-old Staten Island "obsessed" with buses stole one from the St. George Terminal in June 2014 to the delight (and shock) of his friends.

The man swiped the bus while a driver was on break, according to authorities. He was arrested about a mile into his ride at the northwest corner of Targee and Broad streets in Stapleton.

Video surfaced showing the incident unfold, and is friends cackling in the background.

The man's father wasn't as surprised. "He's obsessed with buses. He doesn't learn."

The man pleaded guilty to second-degree grand larceny, a felony.

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Staten Island Advance

Dog boards bus like it's no big deal

During the summer of 2013, a friendly dog named Maggie boarded the S94 in Graniteville as a cool and calm morning commuter:

The dog had jumped on the Richmond Avenue bus at Deppe Place about 7 a.m., trotted to the back of the bus, past a crowd of riders, took a seat -- and didn't pay the fare, wrote the Advance in July three years ago.

She was placed in Animal Care & Control in Charleston and claimed by her owners. We assume she hasn't boarded a bus since.

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Staten Island Advance

Man stabbed in stomach catches Staten Island Ferry on time

A 21-year-old man stabbed in the stomach aboard a train at the South Ferry station in March still managed to board the Staten Island Ferry before being transported to a hospital, police said.

As Staten Islanders know, there's a "Whatever it takes" mentality when it comes to catching that boat.

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Staten Island Advance/Jan Somma-Hammel

Fox flees Staten Island Zoo for 6-day break.

Helena, the red fox who calls the Staten Island Zoo home, fled the West Brighton facility in November 2013, but returned after a 6-day vacation of sorts.

Helena was captured safely more than a mile and a half away from the Zoo, in a wooded lot by the intersection of Portland Place and Stanley Avenue in Brighton Heights.

She spent just a day in quarantine before returning to her woodland enclosure.

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Staten Island Advance

'Ninja Burglar' strikes Staten Island

The "Ninja Burglar" got his moniker when Dongan Hills resident Phil Chiolo described a knife-vs.-nunchucks battle with a prowler on Sept. 6, 2007. A string of burglaries in high-profile neighborhoods followed, and the thief's popularity wound up being mentioned on an episode of SNL.

It wasn't until nearly nine years later that the case would finally be closed. Robert H. Costanzo, 46, of New Brighton, pleaded guilty to three counts of second-degree burglary last April in state Supreme Court in St. George in connection with a notorious spree of break-ins on wealthy enclaves on Staten Island that lasted for nearly a decade.

Read about how it ended here.

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Staten Island Advance

Clown freaks out everyone, from Staten Island and to the internet

The creepy clown appeared on a handful of social media posts two years ago, immediately going viral and sending Staten Island into a frenzy. The story, first on SILive, wound up everywhere, from Buzzfeed and the New York Post, to the Daily Mail and CBS.

Fuzz on the Lens, a local production company, was behind the shenanigans. They admitted it to Z100 and the Advance four days after the initial story.

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Staten Island Advance

Extreme excitement over Xbox

A 15-year-old student allegedly phoned in bomb threats because he wanted to impress friends he made playing an Xbox game online, according to police and law-enforcement sources. The bomb threats were allegedly called into Susan E. Wagner High School last spring.

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Staten Island Advance

Hoppin' kangaroo surprises Staten Islanders

Staten Island saw a zebra, pony and fox escape its respective homes. In October, a kangaroo joined the unlikely roster of animals on the loose. It ran from its home on Victory Boulevard and Travis Avenue (the same intersection where a homeowner cared for the zebra and pony. Hmm.)

The fugitive marsupial, whose name is Buster (he was later renamed Foster), didn't hop far. He was found in a neighbor's yard about 15 minutes after police arrived, and returned to his owner around 9 a.m. on Oct. 17.

The animal was moved a month later to an animal sanctuary, but sadly developed symptoms of toxoplasmosis and died in February.

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Staten Island Advance

Deer goes full Kool-aid man, busts into T.J. Maxx

On Halloween last year, a deer crashed through T.J. Maxx's window, startling a worker who planned to open shop.

According to police, an employee opening the store noticed that the window had been shattered and spotted a deer running around inside when she arrived for work at the Forest Avenue department store.

The NYPD's Emergency Service Unit and members of the Department of Environmental Conservation responded, and the DEC removed the deer, police said.

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Staten Island Advance

Walking and texting girl falls down manhole

A teen trying to send a text found herself temporarily out of service when she fell down a manhole in 2009.

The teen was walking on Victory Boulevard with a friend at about 5 p.m. yesterday, preparing to send a text, when she felt the ground give way, the Advance wrote.

"She literally just handed me the phone and I opened it [and] I felt this big drop," the Susan E. Wagner High School student said.

"It was four or five feet, it was very painful. I kind of crawled out and the DEP guys came running and helped me. ... They were just, like, 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!'"

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Staten Island Advance

Cops use water cannon to fund off wild group of teens

Nine teens, two cops, and a giant water cannon.

The FDNY came to the aid of a pair of police officers outnumbered in Mariners Harbor in December 2011. The scene was so chaotic, reported the Advance, that firefighters used a truck-mounted deluge gun (or water cannon) to fend off the marauding group of teens.

"It was chaos," said one neighbor on Harbor Road. "The yelling got louder and louder and louder... There was probably 50 to 55 kids out here, and they were challenging one girl."

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Staten Island Advance

Bizarre graduation: No diplomas, but beach balls and dancing

The 2014 Curtis High School graduating class attended a graduation they'll never forget.

Everyone was dancing, clapping hands, and hitting a beach ball when, abruptly, the graduation ceremony ended -- without students walking up to get their diplomas.

The Advance fielded phone calls from disappointed students and angry parents who said their children and they were cheated out of this once-in-a-lifetime moment, the paper wrote in the spring of 2014.

"We're all so disappointed," Ms. Dominguez said. "And my sister was devastated. It just isn't fair."

Students went to the school the following day to receive them.