I have recently begun practicing mindfulness. Taking moments to slow down, tune in to myself and really enjoy the little things. I started being mindful about a month in advance of the holiday season, hoping to really enjoy the true meaning of Christmas and giving.

Only… Deep inside, I did not find the serenity and peacefulness I expected.

I found a vast fog of fuzzy grey melancholy. An acute feeling of how time is passing. Of how I can never go back. Of how things change. The useless, futile nature of human life aches.

I don't know if this feeling is because of my approaching fortieth birthday, or the fact that my baby is a tween, or loved ones passed that I miss, or holiday nostalgia. Probably all of it.

But it's not something I experienced when I was rushing around, surviving day-to-day. And if I lose myself in the mundane whirlwind of things, I completely lose touch with that dark lake inside me. But it lingers, poignant and deep.

I am not depressed. I am happy and satisfied with my life. I don't have regrets. I have made peace with certain things and am much more serene than I was ten years ago. This is not the acute grief of loss, which I've coped with before.

Being just as close, or more, to my lover of twenty years doesn't help; in fact it somehow makes it worse. It feels like we are standing still while everyone's life around us changes and moves in fast-forward, relationships and families breaking and reforming.

On top of it all, I feel guilty to be feeling upset because I have no real reason for it. I've been through tough times before, but this is different. It feels bigger, somehow.

I did not get the result I wanted from mindfulness and now I'm feeling helpless about what to do with the pervasive unease I found.

Have you experienced this effect of being mindful? How did you deal with it?