Being an orange is hard. You grow up on a tree, surrounded by friends, only to be plucked at your ripest, crated, and shipped off to a grocery store, destined to be devoured by health-conscious shoppers.




So when you found yourself in bed with a lovely redheaded woman gamer, you thought you had avoided your fate. Think again, Mr. Orange.

It may seem like an ideal situation, Mr. Orange, but there is only one reason an attractive woman brings a vitamin C-enriched piece of citrus like yourself to bed with her on a wooden tray.


No, Mr. Orange. That reason is not to have someone keep her company while she's playing Angry Birds Space. Rovio's latest hit title is merely a distraction from her ultimate goal. Despite your misguided cheering, soon she will fail a level, or get a text, or realize she as to be at work in 15 minutes, and then it will be too late.

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Oh no, Mr. Orange! She heard me! Or perhaps she's heard everything up until now, and was merely toying with us. One look at that menacing grin would cause any leg-equipped edible object to run screaming in the other direction.

Roll! Roll off of that wooden cart and find freedom, Mr. Orange! Go on a continent-spanning adventure to find your true calling! Other fruit shall join you along the way, forming bonds that will last a lifetime! Pixar will license the movie rights!


Fame and fortune await, Mr. Orange, but only if you roll like you've never rolled before!


Oh, Mr. Orange. My poor, poor Mr. Orange.

Photo Credit: (C) Oleksandr Pekur / Stockfresh