I’m 55, a divorced father with three children and four grandchildren. I’m dating a woman, 47, who lives in a different city with three very young children whom I haven’t met.

She doesn’t have a civil divorce yet and her ex-husband has an arrangement in which he comes into the house to be with the kids and sometimes will stay there with them for the weekend (she will then look for a place to stay).

She’d like me to fly her here to see me when her husband’s at the house, but I’d like to spend time with her family as well.

Can this type of relationship lead to marriage?

Also, she wants a pre-nuptial agreement to protect her interest in her house and other assets (which is fine), but she’d also like that any money I make would belong to both of us after marriage.

She needs her money for the family and because her ex would pay less if she remarries. Is that plan reasonable?

Am I better off to not get married and just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts?

Weighing Options

Weigh your feelings about this woman. And get legal advice, too.

She knows what she wants and needs from marriage and so should you.

If you marry, yet live in two cities, she needs a different arrangement with her ex, such as his having his children’s visits at his own place.

If she eventually moves to your city, she can sell her home, work, and contribute to household expenses with you. Her husband would still have to contribute to basic child support.

As for sharing all your income, much depends on what you can afford beyond your own expenses (especially if she does not sell her house or doesn’t have a job).

Love matters most, but since she’s gotten well informed financially, you need to do the same.

I’ve been with my now-husband for 11 years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and we have a child, 6, together.

We recently got married. We made this celebration a “family” wedding. Once my husband and I exchanged vows and rings we did the same with the kids. We made promises to the kids and gave them engraved necklaces. Everyone was so moved by how personal and different our ceremony was.

However, a nephew arrived at the reception in a hockey jersey of his favourite team, which greatly upset the Maple Leafs fans present.

It started an ugly outbreak between my three brothers, cutting the reception short. No music or dancing. It was a horrific scene. My children wept in disappointment and fear.

I later saw the parties responsible hug and made up, but not one checked to see if everyone else was OK.

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My oldest brother called two days later, explaining who was at fault, etc. No one thought how my kids could be affected by this.

I had words with him and said that my family’s dead to me. What they did at my wedding is unforgivable.

Now, do I have to send a thank-you note for the gift? I’m thinking yes but what should I write?

Devastated Bride

Write, “Thank you very much for the gift.” Nothing else. You already said how you felt about their behaviour.

While some relatives acted like rude louts, others were likely upset or stunned into silence.

Over time, especially for your daughters’ sake, rethink if there are any family members you can see again.

Tip of the day

Weigh your feelings along with your finances over pre-nuptial requests.

Email ellie@thestar.ca .

Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat .

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