Recap: Aroma region has Shadow Pokemon. Our team is full of them and we don’t know how to purify their hearts.

Holy crap it’s been so long I had to re-acquaint myself with my team and what the hell I was doing.

Looks like I was talking to an idiot.

Okay, guess there wasn’t much to catch up on then.

We explore Orion City to meet a man obsessed with Regigigas and his… excrements…

…and a woman who is trying to rid herself of some kind of bat.

Do I want it?

An old man is claiming to see people running away with an orb in their possession.

As per usual, we accept his words as fact (because NPCs don’t lie ever) and go check things out for ourselves.

I don’t know who is talking. I assumed it was Team Aqua, but now I think it’s the old guy on the left.

???: That is correct, Greevil.

Greevil??: Good… hand it over… We will use it to track Kyogre down!

Archie??: That wasn’t part of the agreement, Greevil!

Greevil: Ah… ahaha… but I am the only one who knows where Kyogre is! You have no other choice!

Archie: I… I… Well, as much as I dislike it… *looks up* You there! Give him the Blue Orb!

Grunt: Yes sir! *walks over to spot inbetween old guy and Archie* Here, let me just take it out of my pocket and– Oops!

Oh my god, you clumsy fucker. You dropped the orb while taking it out of your pocket. Now look what you’ve done — the old Greevil guy has turned into a chef.

Archie: You fool! You just dropped and broke the Blue Orb!

You broke it?! How did you break it? Did you furiously dig your hand into your pocket and then whip it back out, angrily releasing your grip on it from a great height? Who the hell takes something out of their pocket and immediately breaks it?

Archie: That’s a one of a kind artifact! We’ll never awaken Kyogre now!

Chef Greevil: Gwehehehe… It so happens… It so happens we have a replica of the Orbs in development… We would be willing to… to lend you the use of our Black Orb…

That doesn’t sound ominous at all.

Archie: You would, now? And this will awaken Kyogre?

Chef Greevil: Gwehehe… indeed it would…

Archie: And what would you want in return?

Chef Greevil: Gwehehe…In return for the use of our Black Orb, we… Team Cipher… we want to perform the Kyogre ritual.

Archie: You want to perform the ritual? I suppose that would be fair, provided as we are the ones to catch Kyogre.

Chef Greevil: Gwehehe…

Goddamnit, Greevil, I can’t even hear you and this laugh is driving me insane.

Chef Greevil: Then it’s settled… we will meet you in the future, I should think.

Archie: Farewell, Greevil.

I… I can’t tell if they’re friends or not…

Out of nowhere, Future-Leafeon decided he could be purified. I’m guessing it was watching that heartwarming scene between Cipher and Aqua. Seeing those two evil teams get along must have melted Eevee’s icy heart.

I mean, it was very touching.

His heart may be pure now, but he still doesn’t love me.

I know, right?! I said the same thing! Dude even BROKE it!

In this city’s gym, Saga suddenly gets the amazing ability to jump over very large gaps between floors.

This is awfully convenient, as the contractor seems to have drunkenly half-assed his job.

We die a lot because most of us are Shadow Pokemon with STONE-COLD HEARTS.

To compensate, Saga takes Iago and Jade to the grass to beef them up.

This Caterpie breaks out of 5 Great Balls before we snag it with an Ultra Ball. I am humiliated I spent so many balls on this guy.

We only caught him to get that bat thing from the Pokemon Ranger, as she said she will trade it for any Pokemon.

Heh. Sucker. There are Charmander roaming around here and I’m gonna give you a Caterpie.

Hey, it’s really cute! I like it!

Saga’s new Noibat is a bashful girl who is somewhat vain (that’s an odd combo). She knows no moves that will assist us in battle, so we’ve gotta toughen her up.

We feed her some TMs, make her beat up some Bidoof, then decide “eh, that’s good enough” and go back to the Gym.

Do-Youn, the Gym Leader, looks like John Lennon.

Do-Youn: Sure, I had to corrupt myself to get it, but I think I’ve finally found it! I hope you’re prepared!

Hundred bucks says it’s a Pidgey.

HAH! He’s so short!

Jade was completely capable of taking on all 5 of Shorty’s Pokemon, but I didn’t go heal her up before this match, and most of her PP had been used. I withdrew her after Rufflet to preserve her energy for Do-Youn’s stronger Pokemon. Iago was sent out to cover for her and I clicked too fast and chose Acid to use on Gligar… but it was not a conscious decision, I assure you. I meant to go for Mud Shot.

Hey! Guess what? Mud Shot does nothing to Gligar!

*bangs head on laptop*

I was wrong. The Shadow Pokemon was a Swablu.

She casts some weird attack that turns the sky a shadowy color (or something) and it becomes a tangible object that physically hurts Jade every turn. We only had to use one Ultra Ball to catch Swablu (as opposed to the Caterpie… who was named Killian before he was traded, by the way).

Llllllllllllet’s get ready to RUMBLEEEEE!!!!!!

In this corner, weighing 12.6 pounds, JADE THE CARBINK!!!!

In this corner, weighing 47.4 pounds, HAWLUCHA THE HAWLUCHA!!!!

The match starts off with Hawlucha using his signature move, the FLYING PRESS!! He manages to pull Jade down for a moment before she pushes herself off the floor and jumps into the air, landing a good SMACK DOWN onto her opponent, knocking him gracefully from his mighty perch!!

Hawlucha struggles to get up, summoning swords to dance around his body while he prepares himself for an attack like none other! Jade takes this opportunity to do the same, sharpening her wit and courage so that she may lay the ultimate blow to this confident bird!

But wait! Hawlucha prepares himself for another Flying Press! Oh, the agony Jade must be feeling! She stays in her zen-state, keeping her mind focused and her endurance level up! She is given a brief moment to consult with her trainer, who feeds her a Full Restore in the hopes that she will have the strength to continue on! The very second she floats back onto the battlefield, Hawlucha uses another crowd-favorite, the Hi Jump Kick!

The kick lands perfectly in Jade’s adorable little face, sending her back into a fit of fatigue, leaving the crowd to wonder, what WILL Jade do next?

Her trainer, Saga, jumps into the ring with another Full Restore bottle, pouring it all over the little rock fairy! It looks like it might be working! Jade is getting back up! She isn’t down and out yet, folks!

OH but Hawlucha came here to fight, and fight he will!! He pulls off a cheap trick and Hi Jump Kicks Jade again!! He just won’t quit!! The poor little Pokemon’s sparkling eyes scan the crowd as she begs for her trainer to help! Saga rushes right back to her Carbink’s side, dumping an entire jug filled with Full Restore all over her! Now Jade is more prepared than ever!!

Hawlucha whisks by Saga’s head, reaching high altitudes to perform a dazzling Flying Press for his adoring fans! It hits Jade and BARELY leaves a scratch!! Jade is back in the game, ladies and gentlemen!! She readies herself for the next hit when–

A ROOST!! HAWLUCHA HAS PULLED OFF A ROOST!! I have never seen anything like this before in my entire announcing career!!

Oh and look, there’s Saga smashing chairs out of sheer anguish.

Jade doesn’t let it deter her and uses another Smack Down on her enemy, gearing up for another–

HAWLUCHA IS NOT WAITING!! HE IS GOING FOR ANOTHER HI JUMP KICK!! Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know if Jade will be able to withstand this!! She… she….!!!!

AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh my god. Oh my god.

The very second I send out Electrike, this shit happens. I hadn’t even told him to attack yet. This must have been carried over from the last battle he fought.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Unable to physically stomach the idea of fighting with Shadow Pokemon, I throw a Revive at Jade.

Electrike faints while this happens. You can see how distraught I am over it.

Several turns of sacrificing Shadow Pokemon and attempting to faint Hawlucha with Iago and Jade later, we begin the horrendous Revive Game.

After 15 Revives, Do-Youn actually gets sick of my game and withdraws Hawlucha.

Wow. He must’ve really hated watching me revive my Pokemon every single turn. I don’t think I’ve pissed off a trainer like that before.

Little Radio tries her very hardest to defeat Tranquill, but she just isn’t quite strong enough to take on a Pokemon with such big pecks.

Jade comes out to help finish what her new little Noibat friend started.

After… several… annoying turns, Trainquill is finally blinded by Jade’s DAZZLING LIGHT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, leaving only Hawlucha left to fight.

Do-Youn pops out to taunt me, which only makes me hate him.

The rematch between Jade and Hawlucha was so NAIL-BITINGLY AWESOME and EPIC!! It’s such a shame you don’t get to see it!!

Nah, I’m just kidding. It was boring. Hawlucha spammed Roost until I clawed out my own eyes and then Jade spammed Dazzling Gleam until she landed a critical.

With this nightmare over, we can finally try to learn how to purify Shadow Pokemon.

Oh, nevermind, Do-Youn wants to be a creepy fuck and take us to the middle of a forest that can only be reached by flying.

Aaahhh, this is gonna suck.