BOULDER, CO—Following the completion of his lengthy divorce proceedings earlier this week, local man Brian Keller, 43, sorrowfully removed his now ex-wife’s administrator privileges from his home security system, sources confirmed Tuesday. According to reports, the divorcé walked slowly to the hallway control panel and sighed heavily before flipping open the plastic cover and using the directional keys to navigate to System Preferences and then System Administrators. After reportedly pausing for several moments to stare at the name Lisa Keller on the LCD screen, the man then took a deep, shaky breath, pressed Delete, and keyed in the four-digit security code to confirm the changes, erasing from the system all trace of the woman who for years shared access to the door sensors, motion detectors, and remote thermostat control. At press time, Keller was said to be sitting on the floor directly below the control panel, sobbing softly into his hands as he remembered the moment nearly a decade earlier when he and his new bride first accidentally tripped the high-decibel alarm.

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