I feel guilty writing this post because it’s a selfish one. But I want to know if what I’m feeling right now is how other people who’s loved ones have gone in to rehab feel.

Firstly, I am pleased he has gone to get help. I really am. It’s all I’ve wanted for so, so long. He’s going to get better. Whatever that looks like.

But, I feel completely abandoned. I’ve been dealing with this almost completely on my own for months and months. No one else has been involved. And now he’s just gone.

I know he’s in a place that is right for him and what he needs but I just feel left behind and out of control. Maybe this complete cut off is what I need to heal and learn not to do all the things I’ve been doing but now the numbness is passing it feels like its being replaced with a sense of resentment and I hate it.

I’m left thinking, what about me?

I have a great support network here of people who are focussed just on me. I don’t want to talk to anyone though so it’s just me and my head. The only person I want to talk to is him but I don’t feel like I can talk about my problems right now because he’s trying to deal with his.

I’m scared about us and what that’s going to look like after this. I’m scared he’s not going to want me anymore. I’m scared because I don’t have any idea what is going to happen and the organising mild control freak in me doesn’t like that. I feel completely out of control.

He’s getting good rest, food and sleep. I’m barely able to sleep and lucky if I feel hungry. I don’t want to leave the house I just want to hide from the world. Today I have to go back to work. I don’t want to but I have to because I can’t hide for ever. I’ve got a load of crappy work to do and mistakes to sort out. Mistakes I’ve made because my mind has been elsewhere. It’s frustrating and embarrassing. I don’t like making mistakes.

I feel like what I am left with now is the impact this has had on my own life that I hadn’t even realised. The lack of focus professionally, not making time for my friends, not making time for me.

Hopefully this is all going to even out and settle quickly. I’m sure everything is going to be OK but that nagging doubt at the back of my mind seems to be shouting pretty loud right now.

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