How can you tell whether the poor behavior is the result of autistic symptoms or if it's ordinary naughtiness? It's not always easy to distinguish between "autistic" behaviors and "misbehavior."

Many of the behaviors that are typical of children on the autism spectrum might be deemed discipline problems in other kids. For example:

Kids with autism may screech or yell when overwhelmed or frustrated.

Some autistic children bolt from the room, hit others, or even injure themselves when upset.

Children on the spectrum may not look directly at a person when speaking.

Autistic kids may rock, flick, or pace when they are expected to sit still. ﻿ ﻿

﻿ Children with autism may be self-absorbed and inattentive to events or emotions around them.

In school, children with autism may over or under-react to others' requests or needs (for example, pushing other children in line or ignoring requests to move or hurry).

Difficulty Responding to Kindness

But that's just the tip of the iceberg because autistic children may also have a tough time managing their responses to adult or peer "kindness." Perhaps these examples sound familiar:

Grandma comes to visit. She sees her autistic grandchild, opens her arms, and asks for a big hug. The grandchild runs in the opposite direction at top speed. Grandma follows him and gives him that hug, only to be rewarded with a kick in the shins.

Grandpa gives his autistic grandchild a gift, and his grandchild says, at an age when he or she should know better, "I don't like this! I wanted a ___!"

A kind peer from school agrees to a play date and finds himself ignored for several hours while the autistic host plays alone. Even worse, the guest may spend two hours being told, "Don't touch that!"

All of these behaviors can be embarrassing, and all can lead to hurt or even angry feelings. Yet all are typical of autism, and, in most cases, result from sensory, communication, or behavioral challenges that are part of autism.﻿﻿

Distinguishing Autism From Misbehaving

Autistic behaviors are usually the result of a few very specific challenges. Because every person with autism is unique, the challenges will look different for each child, but they exist, at some level, in anyone who is correctly diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder.

Sensory Challenges

People with autism are almost always likely to either overreact or under react to sound, light, smells, and touch. The child who runs away from Grandma may actually be responding to the smell of her perfume. The child who hates hugs may dislike the sensation of being squeezed but actually feel affection toward the hugger.

A sensory challenge can be something as minor as the buzz from fluorescent lights.

Sensory challenges may also be the reasons behind "misbehavior" when in a crowded or loud auditorium, squeezed between people online, and so forth. How can you tell when sensory issues are causing a problem? Take these steps:

Ask . If your child is verbal, they may be perfectly capable of explaining behaviors if asked.

. If your child is verbal, they may be perfectly capable of explaining behaviors if asked. Watch . If your child is covering their ears while bolting from the room, it's reasonable to assume that something about the sound in the room is causing a problem.

. If your child is covering their ears while bolting from the room, it's reasonable to assume that something about the sound in the room is causing a problem. Keep tabs on behaviors. If your child is usually able to handle church, but on one occasion becomes loud or runs out of the room, it's fairly apparent that something specific has occurred to cause the behavior. But if the behavior is consistent, there may be an ongoing sensory challenge in the environment.

Social Communication Challenges

Everyone with autism has a tough time with social communication at one level or another.﻿﻿ It can be difficult or even impossible to "read" others' emotions, or it may be very difficult to avoid overreacting to others' feelings. It can be very tough to "watch and imitate" others' behaviors.

The fact that others are sitting still and being quiet may not register for an autistic child. How can you tell if your child is having difficulties with social communication?

Notice your child's intent. Difficulties with social communication can make it hard for a child with autism to tell when his actions may be hurtful. Walking away out of boredom or a desire to do something different may look mean-spirited, but there's a very good chance that your child doesn't recognize how his behaviors are likely to affect others.

Remember that your child has developmental delays. A typical 12-year-old should be able to graciously thank grandma for a gift he doesn't really want. A typical 8-year-old may not be able to handle the situation as well. Children with autism are usually quite immature for their age; a teen on the spectrum may behave like a much younger child.

Be aware of how instruction is provided. A teacher says your child is misbehaving at recess by pushing in line, taking extra-long turns on the swings, and so forth. But children with autism, because they rarely learn through imitation, need direct instruction on behavioral expectations.

Did the teacher actually tell your child about the rules of recess play? Provide visual supports and social stories? If not, how was your child supposed to know the rules?

Behavioral Challenges

"Autistic" behaviors are usually self-evident because they are generally quite different from typical behaviors. As a result, you should be able to tell at a glance whether you're seeing misbehavior or autistic symptoms. Here's what to look for:

Self-stimulation (stimming) : Many people with autism use unusual physical behaviors such as rocking, pacing, flicking fingers, and humming to calm themselves and stay focused. ﻿ ﻿ When you see such behaviors, you can be almost completely certain that they are not a form of misbehavior.

: Many people with autism use unusual physical behaviors such as rocking, pacing, flicking fingers, and humming to calm themselves and stay focused. ﻿ When you see such behaviors, you can be almost completely certain that they are not a form of misbehavior. Lack of eye contact : For many people with autism, eye contact can be difficult if not impossible to manage, particularly during a conversation. ﻿ ﻿ While it is possible to teach a person with autism to maintain eye contact, lack of it is not a form of misbehavior.

: For many people with autism, eye contact can be difficult if not impossible to manage, particularly during a conversation. ﻿ While it is possible to teach a person with autism to maintain eye contact, lack of it is not a form of misbehavior. Self-abuse : In some cases, particularly (but not exclusively) for people with severe autism, self-abuse is common. Headbanging, skin picking, and other behaviors are not intentional though they can be disturbing and should be managed. ﻿ ﻿

: In some cases, particularly (but not exclusively) for people with severe autism, self-abuse is common. Headbanging, skin picking, and other behaviors are not intentional though they can be disturbing and should be managed. ﻿ Lack of focus or attention : People with autism may find it very easy to focus on something and very tough to focus on others. ﻿ ﻿ Often, they are attending without appearing to do so. Sometimes, they are not attending because they are having a tough time following rapid speech or abstract ideas. Very rarely, they are intentionally ignoring a speaker.

: People with autism may find it very easy to focus on something and very tough to focus on others. ﻿ Often, they are attending without appearing to do so. Sometimes, they are not attending because they are having a tough time following rapid speech or abstract ideas. Very rarely, they are intentionally ignoring a speaker. Noise-making or bolting: While kids with autism are perfectly capable of making noise or leaving the room just to be annoying, the chances are that they are doing so for other reasons. They may be screeching, humming, or chattering to calm themselves, or bolting from the room to get away from a disturbing situation. As a parent, you will usually be able to tell the difference.

According to one study, lack of eye contact is a way for the autistic person to decrease unpleasant sensations caused by an overactivation in one particular area of the brain.﻿﻿

Addressing Autistic Behaviors

So you've determined that your child's behaviors are not "misbehaviors" but are, instead, "autistic" behaviors. Now what?

You can, of course, do nothing. And in some cases, that's perfectly reasonable. Why shouldn't your child with autism rock, flick, or pace? If he's hurting no one and creating no problems for himself, why trouble?

Often, however, autistic behaviors, while they are not intentional, can cause significant issues. They can cause embarrassment (both for you and your child), create hurt feelings or even angry feelings, or lead to your child being ostracized or excluded from an important group, activity, or setting.

What can you do about that? You can take action on many different levels, depending upon the importance of the situation, your child's abilities and challenges, and your philosophy. Here is a list of options.

Provide Direct Instruction

If your child is able to respond to and act on direct instruction, provide it! Use words, video, modeling, practice (rehearsal), and social stories to teach your child how to behave in church or at a concert, how to respond politely to grandparents, or how to interact at a birthday party.

None of these is likely to come naturally to your child, but in many cases, instruction and repetition are the keys to success.

Remediate Challenges

Grandma's strong perfume is causing her grandchild to run away, so the best choice is to say "Hey, Grandma, don't wear that perfume." Similarly, you can avoid squeezing a child who dislikes hugs, put in incandescent bulbs if fluorescents cause a problem, turn down the sound level on the TV, and otherwise make life more comfortable.

You can ask for similar accommodations in school, though it's tougher to get them in an inclusive setting.

Choose Settings and Situations With Care

If your autistic child hates loud movies, don't go to loud movies. Alternatively, a pair of noise-blocking headphones may make the sound level more comfortable. Consider going to "autism-friendly" events, or selecting instructors who seem to "get" your child.

Grow a Thicker Skin

Parents of kids with autism are occasionally likely to experience embarrassing situations. Thin-skinned parents are going to be embarrassed by an awful lot. Best bet? Get over it!

Change the Situation Completely

In some circumstances, your child's school, your home, your activity choices, or your location may need to change.

This may sound like an extreme response, but if your child's school is unable to serve her needs, your neighbors are intolerant, or your preferred activities are simply impossible for your autistic child, you may need to consider options such as private school, a different neighborhood, or a change in your routines.

Addressing Real Misbehavior

No good parent would punish a child for age-appropriate behavior or out of his control. Babies cry. Two-year-olds struggle with toilet training. Tweens need help managing their time.

On the other hand, no good parent would make it easy and acceptable for their child to lie, hit, hurt others' feelings, or behave in ways that are embarrassing to themselves or others.

It is tempting to say (or to allow others to say) "Oh well, the child is disabled, so I don't expect much." But while it does make sense to modify expectations and change situations based on special needs, everyone needs—and deserves—both structure and limits.

Without these tools, it is almost impossible to build self-discipline, a skill that is absolutely essential to independence, resilience, success, and self-confidence. As with any other child, therefore, your job as a parent is to: