AUGUSTA, Ga. -- You know how in Wednesday's Caddie Confidential I blissfully, almost jealously, said how I'll live vicariously through my caddie friends? Well, Thursday made me wanna take the day off. If there's one thing that can make golf slower and cause caddies to end up in the unemployment line, it's wind.

Thursday takes us inside the ropes in brutal conditions and inside the caddie shack after the round for have a well-deserved beer. Here's the Round 1 Caddie Confidential.

Collins: What was it like out there today?

Caddie: It was absolute torture. Wind was swirling all over the place. In fact, it's the strongest wind I've ever (caddied) in that couldn't stick to one position. As a result it was a thoroughly unenjoyable day.

Collins: Which was the hardest hole to caddie?

Caddie: The 12th remains the hardest hole to caddie because the player doesn't have a clue and (neither) does the caddie. Everyone looks at each other, everyone points a finger at the other person. Although saying that, we did quite well.

Collins: Did you hit first?

Caddie: Let me think ... yes we did.

Collins: Yesterday a couple of the caddies said it's better if the wind is strong at 12 because it doesn't swirl. How was the wind today on 12?

Caddie: Today it was a strong wind and it was swirling around like it was hot and humid! It was a nightmare, total carnage.

Collins: On a day like today, what's the most important thing for a caddie?

Caddie: I'll be honest with you. Patience. The thing is, normally when you come here and [there's] benign conditions, if you're not birdying the par-5's you know you've got no chance to win. ... Today, making a par on the par 5's was a pretty well-played hole. So it's more of a patience mindset knowing that you don't have to birdie every par-5 and you can play a little bit more conservatively knowing 72 is a great score.

Collins: Which was more challenging: Temperature, meaning the golf ball didn't fly as far, or the direction of the wind?

Caddie: Wind direction definitely. ... The pins were set to feed the balls away from the holes and the wind was generally blowing across the greens in a direction you didn't want it to.

Collins: Better to play early or late in these conditions?

Caddie: Definitely playing early is an advantage at the Masters. I think with playing early the greens are just perfect and with the wind like this you can feel them crusting a little bit. I know the patrons won't like me saying that but they do crust up a little bit. ... It just plays trickier in the afternoon, I think.

Collins: As we sit in the caddie area late in the afternoon, the place is packed with caddies and players watching the Masters on the TVs. What's the deal?

Caddie: The beautiful thing about the caddie area is that everyone walks in all business-like. Then as soon as they walk thru the door, they take their hat off, wipe their brow, slump, walk back as if they're at a funeral to their locker till they can't get one of the [locker room attendants'] eye so they can get a beer. Then they come out "refreshed"! That's what the caddie area is all about, so we don't talk much golf here [after the round].

Collins: So what you're saying is, as soon as you walk thru the door from the driving range ...

Caddie: You can take off your "cloak"!

Collins: And as soon as that first mouthful of beer touches the palate ...

Caddie: It's take a deep breath. Most of us walk in [after a day in conditions like Thursday] and say, "F---ing hell, I'm glad that's over." ... The thing is with this wind, and this golf course, as a number of players have shown, you can make an 8 or a 9, you can make any number at any point just by one poor shot. And you know that as the caddie. So your desire to see the ball go into the hole on the 18th is huge. Whereas on a normal day, you're struggling to make more than doubles out here. You should be smart enough, if you've been here enough times, to take a big number off the scorecard. But in wind like this, and the way it was blowing, and the decisions you [the caddie] could've made and could mess up, you could put a big number on the board here quickly.

Collins: What do you learn when you come back to the caddie area and watch the coverage on TV?

Caddie: Ah, sometimes after the round you realize you've made some pretty cool decisions yourself, when you watch some of the things that happened and some of the people making mistakes. You're like, "Yeah we made sure that didn't happen to us." So sometimes it's a pat on the back watching it.

Collins: How many times, after seeing a friend on TV have something bad happen to them, do you give them ...

Caddie: Every time. Any and every opportunity that's possible. It's absolutely part of being a caddie.

Collins: Is there anything you're looking forward to Friday for Round 2?

Caddie: Um, yeah, that tee shot at 10 is really enjoyable with the wind ripping off the right. You know you're going to get it around the corner. I'm looking forward to that.

Collins: What about Friday are you least looking forward to, knowing what the forecast is and having been thru Thursday's conditions?

Caddie: [On the first] I always think, "This may be the toughest first hole in golf." I'm always excited to get thru the first because there just never seems to be anywhere to hit it. When you stand there with a crosswind that you're not quite sure is into or down, it just looks like there's an upturned bowl and you have to somehow land a ball in the middle of it at perfect distance and perfect line. [laughs] When you've got a guy that's jacked up cause it's the first hole. ... So yeah. I'm always excited when I've got thru the first without too much disaster.

Collins: What should people know about this place that they won't see online or on TV?

Caddie: Most people that haven't been here just cannot believe the undulation. This golf course is a serious hike. There are shots that are 25-20 yards downhill. That's the bit that nobody can see on TV.

Collins: Is it harder to club a guy off a downslope hitting to an elevated green like on 9, or off an upslope into wind like we had today?

Caddie: The hard thing is, you get so many combinations here. You'll have a downslope to an elevated green, pumping downwind. So you have to think the ball is not going to go very high, and the green's elevated so it's not going to be in the air as long, but I gotta take into account that it's blowing 20 mph, and I don't wanna be long and I don't wanna be short. [Gets a look of panicked confusion on his face.] So it's easy, really. Nothing to it.

Collins: When do you have time to pop the Tylenol or Aleve?

Caddie: Three before we start. [laughing]

Collins: So is it harder off the down or upslope with wind?

Caddie: Probably the upslope. The thing is, with strong winds the impact is at least double that of downwind. Sometimes it's hard, almost impossible, to believe you're hitting a 5-iron where you'd normally be hitting an 8-iron. And it's just hard to get your head around that.

Collins: And sometimes hard to convince your player.

Caddie: Yeah. And like I said earlier, that's what the public watching on TV [needs to understand]. These guys will make a full swing at that in complete trust, or the really good ones do, and it's amazing.

Collins: So what's your plan for tonight?

Caddie: Gonna have a nice, quiet, relaxing dinner with two glasses of very nice red wine.

Collins: On weeks like this, how hard is it to fall asleep?

Caddie: It's hard to stay awake.

Sweet dreams my friend, the nightmare comes when you wake Friday.