My name is Zoë, I am 23 years old, and I have been an atheist for about five years. I began to doubt the Christian belief in which I was raised during high school, and the uncertainties piled on like mad over the course of the year I graduated (2013). The main catalyst was my realization that I was queer, and it turned out that I had also been repressing some questions about God that no one could answer. It didn’t help that I was going through a major depressive episode around this time- nothing says “Jesus loves you” like persistent suicidal impulses.

Up until the last six months, I had known that I am an atheist, but had not really explored the ideology I came from or the one I currently occupied. My journey of curiosity and enlightenment was brought on by my interest in learning about vaccines, of all things. An older member of my family is passionate about homeopathy and all things “natural”- she is constantly posting Joseph Mercola articles on Facebook and talking about how basically all medication (including that which I take for my bipolar disorder) is, to some extent, bad for you. Because of her influence on my parents on the subject of vaccines, I grew up thinking that the ridiculous claims are true, but in 2018 I came across an actual explanation of how vaccines work. I wasn’t entirely surprised to learn that my ultra-healthy maternal figure was, indeed, misled on this particular issue, but the new knowledge prompted a deeper look into the science involved.

Youtube took me on a walk through The Life-Saving Land of Vaccinations, and eventually I arrived at other similar topics. The thing that moved my curiosity towards atheism was discovering the Genetically Modified Skeptic channel. Drew talked about how some family members of his were selling essential oils through Young Living, and once he approached the claim that the oils can heal all sorts of ailments openly and, of course, skeptically, this way of thinking ultimately led him to reconsider his Christian faith. I watched a bunch more of his videos, and then fully immersed myself in the atheist Youtube community.

In the months since, I have spent perhaps too many hours watching clips from shows like The Atheist Experience and Talk Heathen. I supplemented this new reason-based diet with some response videos by people like Mr. Atheist and Rachel Oates (who are both cuties, not that that’s really relevant). The process has made me aware of several big ways in which Christianity has screwed with my mind- for example, I realized that I held onto the belief that masturbation was in some way bad for me until I was about 20, and this absolutely infuriates me. I missed out on so many much-needed orgasms, and the love for my body that came along with finally learning everything about this weird and wonderful vessel I’m in. To everyone who posted videos that have taught me what I needed to know, I am exceedingly grateful.

After hearing a plethora of arguments for Christianity and their respective rebuttals, I started feeling like I needed another platform upon which to explore this topic. I started a conversation with a close family member who is the kind of Christian that makes other people feel shitty about themselves (Exhibit A: me, and anyone else who thinks people deserve to be treated equally and with a love that is untainted by religious bias). Not that this person is bad, they’re just so deep in the culture that they can’t help dissing transgender people on Facebook. I had to unfollow them years ago. Needless to say, this conversation, which is in progress this very evening, has been nothing short of maddening. So I thought, I need to talk to a Christian who is a stranger- I don’t have a history with them, I don’t love them dearly, I don’t owe them anything.

And where does one find a Christian with whom to discuss deep questions about their religion? Why, a church of course! So I hopped on Yelp to look for churches in my area and decided to start off at one that seemed like it would be similar in environment and teachings to what I was exposed to as a child. Yesterday I posted a summary of what happened when I attended a service- normally I find it difficult to maintain a recurring writing project, but I could hardly wait to process the experience and share it with anyone who might have a curiosity like mine. I’m going to keep showing up (maybe at the same church, but I want to try out at least a few) to document the bullshit and simultaneously analyze how the messages I was exposed to have shaped me. Honestly, I’m a little weirded out by how excited I am about this, but I’m just gonna roll with it cause, hey, why not? Hopefully you’ll join me on this journey and share any thoughts you might have on what transpires.

I’m Zoë, and I’m an atheist, but goddammit I’m going to church. Reader, you are capable of more love than the “all-loving” Christ could even fathom. Don’t forget to share it with the world, and keep your mind open to what is truly holy- All-Knowing Facts and All-Powerful Reason.