Submitted by: HisDivineOrder

So, I went to build my own computer. First, I took my motherboard and my CPU. I went ahead and spent less on an AMD FX 8350, but I made up for the quality problem by reusing an Intel motherboard I used with my Q6600.

I bought myself some Arctic Silver, a GeForce card, and a drink holder.

Now the chip didn't exactly line up right, but I jammed it in and when it wouldn't stay, I sanded off the pins. At first, I was confounded by how the CPU wouldn't stick to the motherboard and debated what to do. Then I realized I could use glue to bond them. In a moment of pure genius, I figured I could use the same method I'd seen done with thermal material between a CPU IHS and the heatsink, so I used pressure to spread the glue out to bond the CPU to the motherboard socket.

While the CPU and motherboard were busy bonding, I figured the motherboard was some crappy blue color and I thought to myself, "Silver is hot." So using my fingers, I spread healthy amounts of Arctic Silver across the motherboard to soften the blue color. It took a while, but it did finally dry out. Unfortunately, I ran out of Arctic Silver. Eh. That's a problem. I'm sure I can solve it.

I went to eat a sandwich. Ham and cheese with lots of mayo. It should have been delicious, but the bread was all stained with silver from my fingers. It tasted kinda metallic and I started to feel a little queasy. I laid down. After a day or so, I came back and found the CPU had stuck on real good. I was saddened to realize I'd used up all my Arctic Silver on my motherboard. Confounded, I did some research and had a breakthrough. Thank God for all those guides suggesting you should think of CPU thermal material as a good sammich. It should never be without mayo. Why spend money on Arctic Silver or whatever? I got mayo lying around, right?

So I slapped on some mayo, generous helpings and all, between my leftover Q6600 default heatsink and the FX series chip I'd bought. The heatsink bolt/screws would not line up properly. Enraged and a little sick at the stomach, I finally had had enough of this whole ordeal and yanked the thing off. Marching down to the store, I yelled at the nearest clerk I could find, "I want the most expensive heatsink you have!"

I returned an hour later with a $100 heatsink by Noctua. It is big enough to bludgeon an intruder with. In fact, I'm probably going back to the store to buy one to throw in a sock for just that purpose. Imagine his surprise. "Stick 'em up!" he'll say and I'll laugh and bludgeon him to a bloody pulp with my heatsink from Noctua.

Anyways, so I had to use an adapter that Noctua helpfully sent me, but the heatsink finally fit. I gave it a few smacks on top with a mallet to be sure it stays put. While I was at the store, I realized I needed a fan to go with this heatsink and the one that's included is garbage, right? I threw it away. It was brown and tan and ugly as sin. It couldn't be worth a dime. I demanded the clerk tell me of the most awesome, fastest fans in the market.

He told me of the Delta Black series. He said they were so awesome they were ear-shatteringly great. I said, "That is what I want." He did not want to share the awesome with me. He tried to dissuade me. No doubt, a test of my manhood or whatever. I said, "GIVE ME. MY DELTA. BLACK FAN. Like now."

So he sold it to me. I tipped him well.

Next, I took some nails and hammered in my motherboard into my pre-existing case. It was a Compaq something-something. I went around to the other side and bent the ends of the nails so I won't get snagged or cut myself or something. Then I hooked up the PSU to my silver and blue motherboard. Immediately, I started to smell smoke. "Brain cancer," I say out loud, "Or that's smoke." I sniff around the computer and shrug. "Probably brain cancer," I say.

When the memory sticks wouldn't fit, I got out my mallet again. A few sound hits got them bad boys in place and a few more dollops of glue'll keep 'em stuck. I hooked up the mechanized drink holder. It comes out all convenient like with but a press of the "Eject" button. It doesn't seem super-sturdy, but it's good enough.

That's when I realized I had forgotten to install my hard drive. I got out my 15K SCSI hard drive and imagine my shock when I found that in place of huge-ass connections, there's this tiny, flimsy bit of plastic that's begging to break in two go's. Well now. That ain't gonna do me, is it? Nothing a hammer and some nails won't fix.

Gonna start her up now. Just thought you guys would like to hear a SUCCESS story while you're all talking about your problem builds. ;)