Experts say that life expectancy in Wolverhampton has soared after the McDonalds on Dudley Street was closed on Monday and Tuesday due to strike action. Queues formed just after the school busses arrived in the City and by 11am the population were already looking healthier.

Over 3000 people lingered outside in the hope of a Sausage and Egg McMuffin, but were forced to survive off fresh fruit and from passers-by. Survivors talked of volunteers handing out Sunny Delight and Embassy Regals but even that could not prevent a massive upturn in general well-being.

Customer health was also hit with the “double whammy” of not being late for school and work. With hundreds of kids actually making it to the PE lesson some of them met the Games teachers for the very first time.

However, expert’s say it’s not all good news.

“It’s not all good news” said one expert. “Wolverhampton is facing a potential pensions time-bomb – we could be looking at literally dozens of locals making it to pension age if these strikes continue. There is a possibility that a Post Office may have to open in the region for them to be able to collect them as well – its madness!” he continued.

Whilst the Fordhouses Chippy was happy to step into the breach by delivering Battered Chips, Donner Kebab Pizzas and a Batter-Your-Own-Chocolate-Bar service, others pointed to a simpler solution – There are 8 other McDonalds in the city and they could always go to one of those. However, as one local Wayne Haskins told us, “..that would be effort”….