CHANUTE, KS—Taking one last long look at herself in the bathroom mirror, local woman Enid Mulvey bid farewell to her former self Monday before beginning a brand-new skin care regimen. “When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different—a whole new woman will be born,” said Mulvey, preparing for the complete transformation that was to come from the moisturizer, toner, and exfoliant she had just purchased and had arrayed on the edge of the sink. “This is the moment where I part ways forever with my old life. Soon I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes, fresh and beautiful, a vision of loveliness that did not exist but hours ago. Adieu, my ordinary self, adieu!” At press time, Mulvey’s eyes were puffed up and her skin was covered in hives after suffering an allergic reaction to her new makeup remover.

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