Stating they were excited to once again begin terrorizing unsuspecting human youth, local Waterloo geese are ecstatic that another year of university is beginning.

“Sure, summer’s nice,” conceded one goose, still high on adrenaline after chasing a young woman all the way to her dormitory, “But there’s nothing like the rush of dominating feeble bipeds.”

The geese of Waterloo have a long and proud tradition of defending their land—which just happens to also be where the University of Waterloo campus sits—against any possible human infringement. At first confused and perplexed at why the humans kept returning every year to what was obviously their domain, the geese now enjoy the humans.

“Yeah, we don’t mind,” admitted one goose who was seen busily pooping on each of the sidewalks you need to use every day, “I mean, look at the way they run! Can’t buy that kind of entertainment.”

But by far their favourite time of year is yet to come.

“We’re very excited for mating season this year,” laughed another goose, flapping his wings belligerently at a couple of students who dared to walk on his grass, “Gary and Glenda have already staked out their favourite nesting area by the entrance to the Environment building.”

When asked why the geese decided to place their nests around such high traffic areas, the geese were blunt.

“Why? Because fuck you. That’s why.”

This article was written for Chainsaw by Greg Johnson