Dear @arthur_affect

It's a shame we can't have a discussion, but since we blocked each other I will write my letter to you in this post and hope it reaches you through a second-party.



I write to you because I think you are a smart person with influence who has the public's best interest in mind, especially those who are marginalized and abused. I've disagreed with you in the past, but I thought we were capable of having reasonable debate: https://twitter.com/megaspacepanda/status/526069793989095425



When I claim I was bullied and tricked into outing the developer, these are claims I do not make lightly. I do not excuse my actions, because I should have had the strength to stand up for my beliefs and not let emotions cloud my judgement. Nevertheless, I did realize how potentially volatile my ongoing efforts to help the developer were at the time, so I recorded every exchange with my employer and her so that the truth would always be there.



I made a big mistake. No excuses. I admit it and I apologized for it and apologize again now, to the developer, to the LGBT community, and to its friends like you who I have damaged.



The developer understood I was dedicating time to help her with no self-interest involved. I prevented her from suicide once, actively sought help for her, and began ground work for her to start another charity for SRS, should she want. She understood this after I outed her and, being the good soul she is, forgave me for doing the horrible thing I did, at the time. She was mad at my employer for talking for her and wanted to talk to my boss, convincing him to not fire me. I told her everything would be okay for me and she shouldn't worry, and anything that would happen between me and my employer would have nothing to do with her (the truth).



I've always had her and the LGBT's best interests in mind. I grew up being made fun of for being Jewish, or having black relatives, or LGBT friends. I came to gaming to escape discrimination and have always been disgusted when I witnessed such discrimination in virtual spaces. I support people like yourself, fighting the good fight against bigots online.



Destructoid was a wonderful place that was open to all walks of life. I never liked the chan culture that staff and community embodied (the Podtoid rape jokes and what not). But the man who hired me was one of the most positive LGBT faces in game journalism I ever came across, and I was incredibly proud to take his position and hire a confident black, female writer I thought showed real potential, not just diversity. It's a shame this nasty event came from such a group, but it came because no one had a background in journalism or ethics.



I practiced what I had been taught by my mentors at UT's school of journalism and daily newspaper, I put minimizing self-harm as a priority and maintained complete transparency with the rest of my staff throughout so we'd be on the same page. No one took this seriously, however. The current Editor-in-Chief made fun of me taking the developer's suicide attempts seriously. Most others ignored or made jokes that were mostly not on topic. The gravity of the situation seemed to be lost on everyone but me and it was frightening to witness. I felt it was only me and the developer who understood the situation. I became emotionally invested in her well-being, not as a journalist but as a human being. I made her reaching her goal of getting an SRS (while being honest to the public) the sole focus of my life, at the time. A close friend of mine had died, so I took time off and focused on this thing instead.



When I saw she attempted suicide again (and not being there to prevent it, this time), I snapped. When staff told me that I was responsible for death threats against IndieGoGo/Twitch staff, discussions of boycotts, and possibly being a legal accessory to fraud, I snapped further. Foolishly, I acted in haste. Being the terrible liar I am, I couldn't just tell half the truth. I told the full truth, including her identity. It was a major misstep. At the time I thought, "How could telling the truth be wrong?", "How could acting against death threats be wrong?"



Once the reality of what I had done sunk in, and LGBT started to voice their rightful disgust in my actions, it was too late to repair a situation beyond repair. I asked people if I could possibly dedicate free time to writing about LGBT developers or some other non-profit cause -- some sort of self-imposed community service to make some minor if progressive actions toward helping the community. But, it was widely agreed there was no coming back for me with the LGBT community. Outing someone is a life-long brand that makes you a life-long enemy: you will always be used as propaganda against bigots, there will always be threats toward you and your family, and you will always be silenced when you try to tell your side of the story. It stinks but I accept it.



What I can't accept are the bigots using my name to attack the developer I once dedicated my time and energy toward helping. It hurts to see you saying I support these actions. I hope you read this letter and understand I am not your enemy, but your ally. I have rejected GamerGate, reported any abuse I've witnessed, and talked out against hate toward LGBT. When I read your disparaging tweets and articles about me, it's discouraging. But I don't fight for people's safety and freedom to look good, I do it because it aligns with my personal beliefs. I have a feeling your beliefs aren't so different, when they don't involve my name.



Yours,



Allistair

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