It’s ironic that winter officially ended last week, immediately before Boulder’s record snowfall and single-digit temps.

Springtime seems confused this year, as if it’s not quite ready to live up to its rep as the season of warmth and romance.

If you’re as confused as the spring, then heed these words of caution before exposing your heart to that cruel yet irresistible miasma of hope and rejection, comfort and pain, longing and regret (i.e. dating):

Beware of dating a climber.

This strangely seductive species lurks everywhere in Boulder (fortunately, they’re easy to spot. Note the hunched shoulders, over-developed lats and gnarly looking hands with twisted knuckles and desiccated skin). Here are the top five reasons why you shouldn’t date a climber guy or a climber girl.

Climber dudes are bad dates because:

1) Like all guys, they have a one-track mind, and it’s honed in on their next climb — not on you. “Everything depends on the weather,” said one frustrated, date-starved woman with a climber dude. “They’ll flake out on dates whenever conditions are good.”

2) If their one-track mind does turn to you, well, rest assured they’re zeroed in on the S-word (rhymes with “flex” — the only other thing they do). No surprise, really. But the problem is, they’re constantly distracted by uber-lean and fit, scantily clad hotties at the climbing gym. Sadly, many women can’t handle that kind of threat. Can you? (As if any climber dudes are a fraction as hot as you are).

3) Nationwide, the average climber dude is a filthy caveman who avoids a real job at all costs. In Boulder, the average climber dude has a condo and a Ph.D. — but he’s still a filthy caveman without a real job.

4) Climber dudes freak out over their weight like teenage girls, especially before an important climb. One fit, local climber girl admitted that her ex-boyfriend was so obsessed that he snuck into her closet. “The minute I saw him wearing my designer skinny jeans — and they fit! (her emphasis) … (pause for tears) … I knew our relationship was over.”

5) It’s all about them, ALL THE TIME.

Now, I can’t deny the allure of asking a climber girl out — believe me, I know it’s tempting. But here’s why climber chicks make bad dates:

1) If you’re a climber, she’s already dated your friends. What can I say? It’s a small community.

2) Climber girls think every dude should look like the uber-lean and fit, shirtless men they’re surrounded by at the climbing gym. Problem is, the girls can get away with it! See that long line of lonely lurkers right behind you? They’re waiting for her to wise up and dump you.

3) Girls employ technique and style when they climb rather than brute strength. There’s a good chance she’ll outperform you on the rock, in front of all your friends. Can you handle that, Caveman?

4) “They’re all psycho,” in the words of one fed-up local who swore off climber girls for eternity.

5) If you’re the jealous type, forget about dating a climber chick. You love it when she sports that tight, skimpy Spandex while working up a hot sweat. But dude, she does the same thing when you’re not around, in front of all the other guys. A few of them, BTW, are hotter, stronger, smarter and richer than you are.

Well, now you know what you’re in for.

But if you’re so stubborn that you still care to court a climber this spring, then you’re a lost cause.

Just like me.

I married a climber girl. She’s hotter, stronger, smarter and richer than I am (must be my flex). Touché, lonely lurkers!

Contact Chris Weidner at cweidner8@gmail.com.