WASHINGTON—Beseeching them to pursue a less destructive path with their lives, the nation begged disaffected youth gravitating towards neo-Nazism to get high and play Xbox instead, sources reported Friday. “We don’t really care if you get blazed and play video games, sit home and jerk off, or shoplift a bunch of shit at a convenience store as long as you don’t march down the street waving swastikas,” said Holyoke, CO, resident Gregory Stamp, echoing the sentiments of the entire American populace in urging restless and angry young people who find themselves tempted by fascist ideology to try stuffing their faces with as many Cheetos as they want or playing the drums as hard as they can at literally any hour of the day. “Go ahead and sleep until four in the afternoon, then do whippets until you pass out. You want beer and cigarettes? We’re buying. Please just stay away from the white supremacy shit and definitely do not shoot anybody.” At press time, the nation was reminding sullen adolescents who were starting to read about white genocide on neo-Nazi websites that they could just as easily use that time to view disturbing hardcore pornography.

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