Champagne’s Chilling in Chappaqua

So much for the slow news weekend. Ever since the news broke on Saturday morning that convicted sex offender and potential Clinton embarrassment Jeffrey Epstein was found “suicided” in his jail cell, the internet has been positively ablaze with weirdness.

Epstein may have been the most well-connected dangerous perv in history. The guy knew everybody. Presidents. Princes. Businessmen. Maybe even Oprah.

A guy with an acquaintances list like that can’t suddenly expire while incarcerated without speculation bombs exploding all over the place.

There was a lot of confusion about whether Epstein was or was not on suicide watch. If he was, how did this happen? If he wasn’t, WHY?!?!?!?

Saturday saw a lot of wild social media conjecture about the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s death. By Sunday, the whole thing still stunk so much that even The Washington Post and The New York Times were smelling it.

From the WaPo article:

Officers should have been checking on Epstein, who was being held in a special housing unit of the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York City, every 30 minutes, and, under normal circumstances, he also should have had a cellmate, according to the person familiar with the matter and union officials representing facility employees. But a person who had been assigned to share a cell with Epstein was transferred on Friday, and — for reasons that investigators are still exploring — he did not receive a new cellmate, the person familiar with the matter said Sunday night. That left Epstein, who had previously been placed on suicide watch, alone and unmonitored — at least in the hours before his death — by even those officers assigned to guard him.

Nothing to see here…move along.

The entire incident is practically begging to be given the conspiracy treatment. The only thing that could have made this weirder is if Epstein’s body had gone missing after they found him dead and the only evidence left behind was the smell of pantsuits and chardonnay.

Yes, President Trump and Epstein knew each other, so the Trump-haters had to make some kind of connection to the “suicide.” Morning Mr. Mika continued to exhibit worsening symptoms of MSNBC-related dementia and managed to make it about — SURPRISE! — Russia.

It is Epstein’s connection to the Clintons, of course, that gives the circumstances of his death the fish-rotting-in-a-trunk-on-a-hot-summer-day stink. For those of us who remember the nineties, it’s nigh on impossible to not have heard of Epstein’s passing and immediately thought that Granny Maojackets may have backed off her box of breakfast wine just long enough to make a few phone calls and exert her, um, charm.

President Trump was excoriated by the leftmedia for retweeting a guy who was theorizing that Bill and Hillary had something to do with Epstein’s death. Even I went public with an objection after that:

Yes, it's a crazy theory. Bill didn't have anything to do with it. Hillary orders all the hits. https://t.co/P5KDXRQmgH — SFK (@stephenkruiser) August 11, 2019

Social media wasn’t just lighting up with Clinton conspiracies, it was also awash in Clinton/Epstein memes, some of which I shall now share. These were all on so many social media accounts yesterday I don’t know whom to credit for the originals.

Millennials who were kids when Vince Foster was “suicided” will still get a chuckle from this:

Now one for the MTV generation:

And Facebook is finally good for something:

But let’s not rush to judgment.

OK, I’m going to, but I’m not telling anyone else what to do.

And now for your Monday viewing pleasure, I offer the linkage.

PJM Linktank

Crazy Joe the Wonder Veep couldn’t let off the gaffe pedal

Kamala Harris doesn’t know the difference between ICE and ISIS, says former is waging a “campaign of terror”

Lindsey Graham Politely Explains to Idiot Reporters Why He Needs an AR-15

Universal pretends it doesn’t think killing Trump supporters is OK, pulls film about hunting “deplorables”

Lance Armstrong brags about passing Mike Pence on a bike path, Twitter immediately strips him of his participation trophy

From the Mothership and Beyond

My old friend Schlichter says Trump won’t betray us on guns

Ask Chick-fil-A how this works out: popular Michigan eatery targeted by Trump-haters

Horse Mouth O’Rourke on Tapper’s show: All Trump voters are racist

LATER IN THAT SAME SHOW: Vote for me because I’ll bring this divided country together or something

GLOBAL CRAMPING: Brazilian president: skip a bowel movement, save the planet

Andrew Yang has his Howard Dean moment with some well-rehearsed crying at an anti-gun town hall

The Eternal Question: Is it bird poop or cocaine (Charlie Sheen says, “Either’s fine.”)

Fauxcahontas becoming heap big threat to Biden in Iowa

More Lizzy: Warren accidentally admits that higher taxes are bad for business

Part-time law professor/full-time paste-eater Laurence Tribe gets about 90 things wrong in one tweet about abortion

Amen: “Woke conservatism is the worst.”

SHOT: Five Completely Absurd Economic Ideas That Keep Winning Votes For Democrats

CHASER: College kids who flunked remedial math are getting a do-over

CNN fact-checks Bernie’s fave health care claim, finds out he’s been lying for ten years

Meatless meatball sub is coming to Subway and did the moon landing even happen now?

Crazy Joe’s gaffes are beginning to cause consternation among the faithful

New York gets go-ahead to sue state over illegal alien driver’s license law

Throw ’em in cages: idiot anti-ICE protesters shut down traffic in Manhattan

Simone Biles emphatically re-emphasizes that she is, in fact, just plain better than everyone else

Protesters force Hong Kong airport to cancel all flights

The Kruiser Kabana

Don’t be the naked, incoherent burglar who gets arrested while stuck in a chimney

JUST GO WTIH IT: Typos mean your brain is high-functioning and stuff

No, smarta**es, no one had to read this to me: Booze will make you go blind

WE LIKE OUR COMFORTABLE FAVES, WOMEN: Female writer notices that Jeff Bezos keeps wearing the same shorts

That’s why we like him: DNA study proves Ozzy Osbourne is a genetic mutant

Betty White wishes Smokey the Bear a happy 75th birthday and don’t you dare tell me I never did anything nice for you

I may do a reader poll for the sign-off line but for today just know this:

Pants are the devil.

I leave you with my hands-down favorite thing from the internet the last few days:

I’ve watched this 17,467 times pic.twitter.com/7BCgSENogW — new year same john ratzenberger (@bkkirby) August 11, 2019

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Stephen Kruiser is the author of “Don’t Let the Hippies Shower” and “Straight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.”