A shocking bold-type confession in this morning's Sun: "FERGIE: I WANT TO BED CHERYL".

The Mill had to take quite a long breath after reading this. What to make of it? The ultimate statement of enduring longevity, perhaps. Retiring? How's this for retiring? And while you're at it check out my florid, hoarsely-panting 68-year-old leaked inter-generational celebrity sex tape. Maybe it's a simple statement of fact, a knightly tribute to the nation's favourite doll. Or more likely desperate next-generation mind games ahead of the final round of Premier League matches, some kind of crazed mess-with-Ashley's-head gambit.

Although, to be honest the Sun does seem to be a bit confused itself. "BLACK EYED PEAS star FERGIE has told pal WILL.I.AM that SHE will bed CHERYL COLE before he does," it goes on to say. "Bisexual Fergie, 35, has been teasing her bandmate about his huge crush on the GIRLS ALOUD star."

Will.I.Am. Bisexual Fergie. The Mill has gone a little blank to be honest, and it's probably all for the best. Particularly when there's news in the Daily Mirror that Arsène Wenger is about to pay £10m for Dynamo Kyiv's Pape Malickou Diakhaté, the vice-captain of Senegal and fancy-sounding defender who "also plays in midfield", which already sounds slightly too poncy and Arsenal. Bone-headed big-money disappointment William Gallas could be flouncing off elsewhere after being offered only a one-year deal. He says Roma, Paris St Germain and Juventus are all prepared to give him two years.

Sam Allardyce is in a hoarse and fetid funk over Cardiff City's Welsh international Joe Ledley, who is available "on the cheap this summer". Birmingham and Bolton are both after the scuttling cross-patch bald full-back Paul Konchesky. And the spotless courtly gent Roy Hodgson, who would never even think of doing that to Cheryl, has Nicky Shorey up his sleeve.

In the Daily Mail Bayern Munich want to pay £7m for the scurrying Manchester United wing, strike defensive attacking midfield indie guitarist Park Ji-sung. Sir Alex Ferguson says he needs two players. He may be getting rid of ambling tearful goal-scapegoat Dimitar Berbatov, indolent Glenn Hoddle-lite Michael Carrick, juddering, creaking, back-firing defensive Rolls Royce Rio Ferdinand and apparently want-away ace grappler Nemanja Vidic.

Rafael Benítez is all set once again to hold more "crunch talks", the latest in an endless round of crunch talks for a man whose life consists of little else but crunch talking, with this new fellow Martin Broughton. If Chelsea buy Fernando Torres for £70m Benítez wants to be allowed to waste every penny on disappointing Chilean left-backs, skinny Frenchmen who play in the reserves for six years and angry-looking but basically pointless ageing European defenders.

West Ham are after the 17-year-old Shrewsbury "wonderkid" Tom Bradshaw, who has scored three goals, which is enough, apparently, to qualify for wonderkid status. Chelsea have smeared their face with rabbit dung, packed a small Tupperware box with peanut butter sandwiches, put on their taupe combat-style outdoor trousers and begun "tracking" holding midfielder Fabian Rinaudo of Gimnasia La Plata. Rinaudo has been likened to Javier Mascherano and is described as "a 5ft 8in terrier".

Back in the Sun Benítez may not actually be going to Juventus, who aren't offering him enough "power". Nicolas Anelka is going to sign a new two-year deal at Chelsea. "It's 99.5% done," says an insider, holding up 99.5 fingers.

Wolves want to buy the Crystal Palace midfield goal machine Darren Ambrose. The sum of £1.5m should do it. Kasper Schmeichel is "eyeing a deal" with Bayern Munich. Bayern have offered him a contract. He is eyeing it. Birmingham, West Brom and Derby are also politely interested.

According to Goal.com Thiago Silva's agent says he's unlikely to go to Chelsea. "Thiago Silva is very happy at Milan and he wants to honour his contract. I know nothing because if there was a team interested in Thiago they should contact Milan, I am just his agent," Paulo Fernando Tonietto said, adopting a sickly and humble facial expression and trying to make himself look, really, really, really small, like a tiny defenceless hedgehog, or a little mouse with three legs.

Strolling, muscle-bound, almost entirely inflexible slowcoach Michael Ballack could be off to Schalke. "We are indeed interested in signing Michael Ballack. I'm confident that he's ready to accept a pay cut if he decides to return to the Bundesliga this summer," Felix Magath told the Berliner Kurier, which sounds a bit like one of those newspapers sulky hooded teenage boys tip in vast quantities every week over the side of railway embankments before shamelessly ambling back to the shop to claim their £12.52, which they will then spend on individual cigarettes and a selection of energy drink shots.