Continue Reading Below Advertisement

And once again, despite the fact that I assume women eat meat just as often as males do, in our culture beef is man's food. Probably because it combines several popular masculine pursuits in one: fire, murder, and dying early.

Photos.com

"Tongs? Pussy."

Hell, in the West, our symbol of masculinity for the last 200 years has been the cowboy, the guy in charge of riding around on horses and guarding our beef.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

But Soon ...

It's simple math.

It takes about 50 times more resources to grow grain, feed it to a cow, and then eat the cow than it does to just feed the grain to a human (for example, it takes about 100,000 liters of water to get 1 kilogram of beef, versus about 2,000 liters to get 1 kilogram of soybeans or rice). You lose 90 percent of the calories that grow from the ground if you pass them through a cow first. And don't shoot the messenger here -- I'm no vegetarian. I've eaten so much meat that my body is practically made of the stuff. But if you saw somebody routinely take one bite of their food and then toss the rest in the trash, you'd think they were an asshole ("Dude, there's starving people in the world!"). Well, that's what you're doing when you insist on converting your food into steak just to make it taste better. You're throwing 90 percent of it away, in the form of cow shit.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

But then we have global warming -- this is almost never brought up as one of the causes, but the reality is that somewhere between 15 and 20 percent of carbon emissions come from meat production, and beef is by far the worst offender. As the above-linked article mentions, beef produces "twice the emissions of pork, four times as much as chicken, and 13 times that of vegetable protein such as beans, lentils, and tofu." Oh, look, there's the "T" word. Quick, go to a steak place, find a masculine-looking dude, and suggest that he eat tofu instead. I will bet you a thousand dollars he'll reply something to the effect of "What, you think I'm gay?" See, because society has told him that Beef = Bro.