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No, it's true: Literally every couple you see at Applebee's is comprised of one lonely man and one whore.

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Ã¢ÂÂYou my date?Ã¢ÂÂ she asked, coughing with the utmost gentility into her armpit. Ã¢ÂÂI sure am, beautiful. WhatÃ¢ÂÂs your name?Ã¢ÂÂ I slid a platter of Rancho Poppers from the booth-bench, and motioned for her to sit. Ã¢ÂÂIÃ¢ÂÂm Twilight,Ã¢ÂÂ she answered. Ã¢ÂÂAre you that vampire movie IÃ¢ÂÂve heard so much about?Ã¢ÂÂ Ã¢ÂÂWhat?Ã¢ÂÂ She seemed dumbfounded; couldnÃ¢ÂÂt even answer a simple question. Probably had a learning disability. Ã¢ÂÂI heard you got terrible reviews,Ã¢ÂÂ I continued, folding a quesadilla into another quesadilla and struggling to force my mouth around it. Ã¢ÂÂListen, can we just do this? I got another job in two hours across town.Ã¢ÂÂ I reluctantly obliged, and we made our way outside. She didnÃ¢ÂÂt quite know what to make of my Chariot Skates, and muttered something quite rude about the kind of man that tries to pick up whores on Training Rollerblades, but after taking only a handful of intense beatings and two major accidents, we safely made it the three blocks back to my apartment.

"A hero, Twilight. That's what kind of man."

Even though I had politely asked Doug to leave for the night by repeatedly spitting in his face until he ran for the chemical eyewash, he was still there when we walked in the door. I gave him the evil eye and the double finger, and escorted Twilight to my room. Ã¢ÂÂNow, this is going to sound odd,Ã¢ÂÂ I cautioned her, Ã¢ÂÂbut IÃ¢ÂÂm doing a little experiment hereÃ¢ÂÂ¦Ã¢ÂÂ Ã¢ÂÂHoney, you can Ã¢ÂÂexperimentÃ¢ÂÂ all you want, but after the game of dickhead roller-derby you just lost to the world out there, youÃ¢ÂÂve only got about 45 minutes left. I'd get a move on.Ã¢ÂÂ Ã¢ÂÂCool,Ã¢ÂÂ I replied, slipping into the bathroom. Ã¢ÂÂI'll admit: I was worried this was going to weird you out a little bitÃ¢ÂÂ¦Ã¢ÂÂ Ã¢ÂÂThereÃ¢ÂÂs nothing you got that I havenÃ¢ÂÂt seen twice today, baby,Ã¢ÂÂ she yelled from the other room. Though I appreciated the professionalism of that statement, she didn't do a very good job following through on it when I wheeled back into the room with my giraffe-skate legs and over-sized leather jacket.