In feminist theory, there is a concept called “toxic masculinity”. It is an often misunderstood concept, so it’s worth explaining in brief. It is not simply that “masculinity” itself is toxic, but rather that certain social norms which have been bonded arbitrarily to “masculinity” – fighting to solve problems, emotional isolation, heavy drinking as treatment, gritting one’s teeth and bearing it when reaching out would be better – are toxic and self-destructive. This is a broader symptom of patriarchal society on the whole. Men are made to be the supposed “Alphas” – the breadwinner with a jacked bod and a smoking hot trophy wife, i.e. the dominator, the hunter; – when we are in fact as complex as any other human being, regardless of gender.

Another way that toxic masculinity manifests is in the way that we tell ourselves these things and their normalization are OK. Men are fed violent myths with regard to sex. That “yes means no”, “if she’s on the clock, she’s old enough for cock”, and the general shaming of men & boys if they are virgins. We are fed myths of glorified violence. Not in the moral panic style “TV MADE MY SON VIOLENT”, but in the sense of normalizing the use of violence as problem solving between men. Cheering us on when we confront our differences with each other with our fists, or even worse, weapons.

Any male feminist seeks to overcome this phenomenon. And any male feminist will tell you it is difficult. It is not simply that we are trying to unlearn certain habits, but that we are existing within a broader context that was formed to normalize toxic masculinity in the first place. Arguably, it’s an absurd task as long as patriarchy is alive. I struggle with this constantly. I have God awful habits that I try, and more often than I’d care to admit, fail, to exorcise.

And because we are existing in the current context of gender as caste, there’s not really an example we can go off of. Every man is born into this context, every man lives in it, and every man is influenced by it. Even the usual examples of positive masculinity – Fred Rogers and Bob Ross, for example – existed in this context, and so inexorably were influenced by it. So why do we bother? Why not simply exist as men, taking the motto “live and let live”? Why pursue an insurmountable task such as this?

Never mind that toxic masculinity kills us, and harms those around us, we do it because we cannot even begin to form this post-toxic masculinity without trial and error in the meantime. True we have no blueprint for what this new man looks like, only some basic ideas. But how will we ever know if we don’t try? A post-patriarchal man will not magically transform into a new man entirely. We will have to build towards it. And that means a constant process of getting up and falling down and getting back up again.

Stay strong, brothers.