Full-backs are the new sex. Jack Charlton said as much 25 years ago, albeit using slightly different phrasing, and nobody listened to him. Now they are the hipster’s choice of football position – and few are as in vogue, or in demand, as Spurs’ Duracell bunnies Kyle Walker and Danny Rose. According to one of today’s redder rags, José Mourinho is planning a £60m offer for the pair. Even by Levynomics, that would be some mark-up: the pair cost around £5m between them.

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Mourinho faces competition from Josep Guardiola, whose concession to the muck and bullets of the Premier League is to buy some mucking Englishmen. He is also considering a flutter of his freshly trimmed eyelashes in the direction of Jack Wilshere. But it’s Walker and Rose he really wants. Rumours that City are considering cutting out the middle man and buying Tottenham Hotspur Football Club are unconfirmed.

Josep’s old club, Barcelona, remain keen on raiding their new feeder club Liverpool for waspish genius Philippe Coutinho. They are reportedly planning a £60m offer, but that does not impress Jürgen Klopp. The word from the top is: hands off.

The word from the top of the Premier League is that Chelsea are still keen on raiding the bottom of the table. They are planning to sign Swansea’s Fernando Llorente as back up for Diego Costa. In a complicated property chain that may soon be the inspiration for a high-concept Netflix film, the move will be facilitated by Swansea signing Aaron Leya Iseka – the brother of Michy Batshuayi, who will consequently have even less chance of playing for Chelsea.

Antonio Conte also wants cover for his wing-backs: Köln’s Jonas Hector and West Ham’s Michail Antonio are the subject of his daydreams. The Hammers, meanwhile, want to increase Joe Hart’s workload by placing him behind their porous defence.

In other news, Everton are still haggling over a fee for Manchester United’s Morgan Schneiderlin. Tony Pulis is still lurking in the background, fiddling impatiently with the peak of his cap. Everton may also be about to sell £13.5m ghost Oumar Niasse to Hull.

Mourinho is also considering a move for the Roma defender Kostas Manolas. And United are one of four clubs – City, Spurs and Arsenal are the others – leading the race for Barnsley’s teenage full-back James Bree. Somewhere in the world, Jack Charlton is nodding knowingly.