OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch this inane garbage all day?” said the 3-year-old labrador retriever mix, whining and burrowing his head into a pile of clothes under his owner’s bed in an effort to drown out the noise of Hallie Jackson interviewing Adam Schiff. “I have extremely sensitive ears, so I’m forced to listen to every last DNC talking point getting spoon-fed to me by these dumbasses. They’re so sanctimonious, I can’t handle it for much longer. I swear to God, if she’s not home before Chris Matthews comes on the air, I’m shitting all over the rug. I don’t understand how this doesn’t count as animal abuse.” At press time, Tuffy had reportedly knocked over his owner’s computer in a desperate attempt to get some ideological diversity by listening to Jordan B. Peterson’s podcast.

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