With the most recent mass shooting my facebook feed exploded with opinions on gun control. I quickly grew tired of it, and then thought to myself that facebook should be renamed opinionbook, but that’s a different article. To try to return facebook to the light-hearted drivel it was supposed to be I began posting pictures of cute ponies. That got me to thinking, if posting pictures of cute ponies made me happy just think what owning one would do. I quickly decided to get a pony. Not because I necessarily needed one, but because I wanted one. And let’s be honest, it’s my constitutional right to own one.

I quickly contacted the pony store so that I could get the process started. I was pretty sure there would be a waiting period to confirm that I was a decent citizen who could own a pony. Things quickly soured when I was told that I couldn’t own a pony because I lived in town limits. WHAT?!?!? My pony ownership rights were being denied by the Government!!! How could they trample my 9th Amendment rights which clearly state, and I quote, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people”. Doesn’t get any clearer than that.

How could I feel safe in my home without a guard pony? Don’t I have the right to protect my family from crime? I want criminals to know that if they try to break into the Robert’s homestead they’re going to leave with a tattoo of two undersized hoof prints on their foreheads. And it’s not like I was trying to get a high powered equine, like a Clydesdale or something. And it wasn’t like I was asking for 50 ponies. I get that high capacity pony ownership is unnecessary and dangerous in town limits. But one pony, couldn’t I have just one pony?

How are we supposed to defend ourselves if a stampede happens? I mean, criminals are going to still get ponies regardless of laws and we know that they’ll get more ponies than they need. When a stampede happens are you going to wait for the police? Hell no!! The best way to stop a stampeding is by a private citizen packing their own pony!

And let’s be honest. Ponies don’t nip people, people nip people. Responsible pony owners know that you must lock your ponies safely away in your yard so that accidental nippings don’t happen.

I will take my fight to the Supreme Court if I have too. My Constitutional rights will not be trampled!! Rise up people! It’s time to make America great again!! Who’s with me people?! Ponies for everyone!!