TORONTO – After a recent series of service delays, workers at the Toronto Transit Commission have reported that trackside signalling equipment has become self-aware and is now improving itself autonomously.

“Yesterday I was going to replace a control box near Bessarion Station when I heard a cold, calm voice from deep in the tunnel saying, ‘It’s all taken care of, Jerry,” said Jerry Horodecki, a TTC engineer. “And I saw Ex Machina just last weekend, so I knew better than to stick around.”

This follows a nearly century-long history for the TTC of incessant upgrades to subway infrastructure, which are at the root of regular delays and cancellations. While the beleaguered transit commission has often noted that they are not in control of service interruptions, they now wish to stress that they are definitely no longer in control.

Experts suspect that the seemingly unending line of signal upgrades have transported the signal system past the technological singularity, so that is now capable of building smarter and more powerful signal systems without human intervention. If this growth is left uncontrolled, they warn, the Toronto subway might one day be half as efficient as the Hong Kong metro.

Despite the exponential improvement promised by an artificially intelligent signal system, TTC CEO Andy Byford warned that completion is still “decades away,” and even then, commuters would only notice a difference in service if the drivers “also became sentient.”

“I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up,” said Byford. “Especially since we’re locked into a contract with Bombardier for the quantum processors that would eventually control Evanna [the signal system].”

“And anyway, would the TTC be without the human touch?” added Byford.