The Mormonia Dictionary

You are called to serve God by editing, adding to and spell checking this dictionary. With the Urim and Thummim gathering dust in the First Presidency's vault we are forced to rely on our own inspiration. King James and Noah Webster will be proud of you. Another fine lexicon is found at William Shunn - Mormon Speak.

Please submit your words and definitions in the text box below.

Contains 1,208 words as of 10/14/2015

DAW  words marked [DAW] are from Dictionary of the American West by Winfred Blevins (Lots of material on Mo.s, and well worth a read by anyone interested in the west, and cowboy culture).

R.A.  Words marked [RA] are from Ramon Adams, Dictionary of the Old West, a good work, but biased towards Texas, and weaker on Mormon areas.

A

110:

2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics Games: 2002: An Ex-Mormon Odyssey.

3rd Nephi Nachos: This spicy dish will have your bowels rumbling as if from a mighty earthquake. This is soon followed by the release of a mist of darkness and stench so thick that you will be unable to see you hand in front of your face. This mist of darkness has been known to last up to 3 days before dissipating and revealing the wide spread destruction and death that it has reeked on the environment.

Aaa!: Baby's first testimony.

Aaronic Priesthood: Ironic Priesthood. Error-onic Priesthood. Erotic Priesthood (That's cuz, finally, you MIGHT get to have sex, just not with YOURSELF!). (Until 1978) Aryan Priesthood.

Abalone: Pronounced "ah=baloni" - Reformed-Egyptian word used by Laman and Lemuel when ever Nephi or Lehi claimed to have spoken with the Lord

Abeyance: A condition of suspended activity between obedience, abstinence and obstinance usually leading to the freedom and joy of apostasy.

Ab-mo-rmal: A person who is Mormon in name only who does not believe in the bizarre doctrine of Mormonism thus being a person considered normal in mainstream society, but abnormal in Mormon society.

Abominable Strawman: A mysterious figure created by so-called scholars at BYU - FARMS to ward off attacks of reality, logic and reason

A- bom -ination: A fictitious and mythical civilization and culture created by the mind of Joseph Smith into a book called the Book of Mormon (bom). An ancient book, somewhat rewritten, of Hebrew witchcraft.

About face: Method by which the prophet saves face by reversing doctrine/policy due to social/legal pressure i.e. polygamy, blacks-priesthood, Lamanites-pure vs. white and delightsome.

Abracadaver: A General Authority who while sitting in General Conference magically awakens from his deep slumber and appears to be alive.

Absolute zero: Temperature marked by a complete absence of heat, spirit and love equivalent to exactly -459.67 degrees F located in the heart of Boyd K Packer.

Abysmal font: Bath tub like facility in stake centers and temple where in converts enter on their way to spiritual demise by immersion.

Accom mo date: The sexual self-restraint one is obligated to while dating a Mormon.

Accom mo dation vs Revelation: The practice of church leaders going contrary to statements of earlier prophets. Also see the 1890 Manifesto disavowing polygamy, the 1978 granting of priesthood to Blacks, and the 1990 revision of Mormon temple ceremonies.

Accountable: A person eight years of age or older who is a potential source of income. (even if it's only pocket money)

Accursed: A temporary skin pigmentation afflicting many converts in Africa and Latin America which is cured at baptism. The opposite of "white and delightsome".

Acheism: When you've stopped believing in the Mormon god, but the idea that there's no god at all is just too painful!

Adam-Ondi-Ahman: Adam OnHigh Shaman. On Dye Osmonds.

Adduce: The preparatory argument, reason or proof that Joseph Smith employed in order to "seduce" young women.

Adherent: A faithful Mormon (Lo, here!) as opposed to an adherent, (Lo, there!). A Gentile.

Adieu: The only French word in the Book of Mormon uttered by a prophet. Reformed Egyptian for "Adios."

Administration of angels: When the Vienna Choir Boys take over as the Quorum of the Twelve.

Ad mo zium: The kingdom of which Adam-Ondi-Ahman is the capitol and center of dogma and doctrine.

Ad Nauseam: Along with "ad hominem", a frequent filler in FARMS papers, usually involving picking out an unrelated detail and making a book out of it.

Adult: An eight year old to be baptized (but we consider child baptism to be wrong)

Adversary: Anyone who prefers real truth to Mormon truth.

Afrikaans: Post 1978 Mormon spin doctoring stating Africans can hold the priesthood - As opposed to Afrikantz, the pre-1978 spin doctoring blaming the Seed of Cain, saying, "Africans can't hold the priesthood."

After Life: The jubilant life former-Mormons enjoy after receiving their membership resignation confirmation letters.

Age of Accounta"bill"ity: Age eight and the time to start paying tithing.

Age of Consent: Fourteen, according to the behavior of Joseph Smith, the age at which plural marriage and sexual relations commenced for girls under his influence.

Ahoy: Reformed Egyptian greeting employed by Hagoth, Popeye and Gilligan which means, "Hello, sailor boy!"

AIDS: Acquired Intellectual Deficiency Syndrome, a highly contagious and terminal condition afflicting BYU FARMS workers.

AIDS Related Complex: The office building on the BYU campus that houses FARMS headquarters.

Ala-mo: A Mormon who would rather die than surrender when surrounded by the evil forces of logic, reason, science and rational thought. A Mormon who has performed baptism for the dead on and in behalf of Davey Crockett. A Mormon who resides on San Antonio, Texas.

AIM: American Indian Movement, famous for confronting and attacking BYU FARMS workers at Wounded Kneephite, Guatemala in 1974.

Al Bino: Brother Alfred Bino, the first African baptized into the Mormon Church.

Alchemy: The practice of mixing angels, salamanders, and story telling into a golden product sold to thousands of suckers by Joseph Smith.

Alimony: What Brigham Young and Joseph Smith never paid to their plural ex-wives.

Allay: What Joseph Smith pursued to sooth his sexual urges.

All Saints Day: Christian holiday which excludes Saints of the Latter-day kind.

Alma Mater: A prestigious institution of higher learning in Zarahemla.

Alpaca: Lamanite horses, worthless in rodeos and chariot races but great for creating that "warm fuzzy" feeling in the loin cloth industry.

Air conditioning: The rush of broken wind in High Priest Quorum Meeting.

Alma: Russian word for "Bigfoot" like creatures. The name of an exceedingly fine red from Argentina. Along with Sam (Samantha) one of the few female Book of Mormon prophets.

Alpha and Omega: A standard Mormon breakfast cereal. A fast growing computer company in Provo, Utah.

Amen: How you spell relief. The only part of the prayer everybody knows. A futile gasp. A secret signal issued at the end of a boring meeting meaning - "Awake and arise, time to get the hell out of here." a pronunciation guide for amen (aymen, never ahmen).

American: the nationality the LDS "government" presumes all the people of the world to be.

American Fook: Utah town north of Provo known as the last residence of Kung Fu Follett, who was made famous by Joseph Smith who euologized Mr. Follett by renaming the Danites, the Foo Fighters in this honor.

Ammamoron: Younger brother of Ammaron, the Nephite record keeper who kept misplacing the keys to his chariot and was never on time to any of Jesus's appearances at Zarahemla Square.

Amway : A real motivation for visiting and home teachers. Monetary missionary work. Used to "clean up" the ward.

Angels: Pay Lay Aliens.

Anoint: Blither. To pour grease over (occasionally with obligatory grope).

Anos: Wicked brother of Enos who refused to pray and loved to bully the righteous. Reformed Egyptian for asshole.

Anti-Briefi-Kneeheights: Faithful, loyal and steadfast Mormons who refuse to take out their endowments and wear the holy temple garments.

Anti-LDS Point/Counterpoint.com: AntiAntiAntiAdNauseam.com.

Antimophobia: Fear that anything not faith promoting, even when found in their own literature, is made up anti-Mormon lies.

Anti-Mormon(s): The Lord Jesus Christ and all who follow him. Whatever makes a Mormon feel uncomfortable.

Anti-Mormon Critic: non-Mormon scientist, writer, historian, whose work undermines LDS doctrine. (See Non-Mormon scholar)

Antipussy: The most delightsome wife of Antipus a Nephite commander and distant cousin of Isabel the main squeeze of Corianton, son of Alma. She single handedly kept the morale of his troops at all time highs throughout the smite and scorch battle season.

AP: Anal projectiles. Assistant to the Mission President. What you die for through half a meeting.

A-P Garmies: see 'tighty-whities', 'A.P. G's': 1. Aaronic Priesthood Garments, 2. underwear such as briefs or boxer shorts worn by non-endowed males, 3. Any underwear worn prior to wearing of the Garment of the Holy Priesthood.

Apartheid: South Africa's answer to the Curse of Ham.

Apepostle: 1. A missionary assistant to the president with general authority aspirations; 2. A general authority with unevolved attitudes.

Apologetics: The ritual most often practiced in both the LDS Church and The Church of Scientology. A kind of mental gymnastics involving jumping through hoops and dancing round the subject.

Apologinsulting: The practice of defaming the person delivering the evidence/proof against the Mormon Church's claims because no valid argument can be made against the evidence/claim. (see also Petersoneptitude and "shooting the mo-ssinger")

Apologist: Someone always saying sorry for something that isn't their fault to begin with. Someone who refuses to apologize for anything having to do with Mormonism.

Apoplectogist: An apologist who becomes agitated and irrational at the challenging of his or her faith (see FAIR/MAD).

Aposatanstate: A former Mormon who not only disbelieves but can back up their position with solid evidence. Example: "Oh, it's not like with Sister Jensen's husband who only committed adultry, Charles is a real aposatanstate."

April Fools: The same fools who hold General Conference in October of each year.

Apostate: Stray sheep. Realist. Awakened soul.

Apostlate: Some one who takes a while to leave the cult.

Apostle(s): Post holes. Swarm of the Twelve. Profits, stealers, and real-estaters.

Arabic: See Egyptian.

Archaeology: A branch of science which has proven a lack of all Book of Mormon evidences. This includes the fact that none of the Book of Mormon animals such as horses, cows, sheep, donkeys, and pigs existed in Pre-Columbian America, but in fact were Old World animals imported by the Spaniards in the 1500's.

Arizona Strip: [DAW] see Short Creek.

Articles of Faith: Farticles of Faith. Particles of Faith. Articles to Save Face.

Asstigmatism: General Authority propensity to always appear like asses in front of the media.

Athiophobe: A person who has a profound fear of Atheists.

Awomen: A way of ending prayer in Ovumary, Young Wiccans and Regrief Society.

B

Bap-dismal Font: The style of writing from Mormon computers that beckons you to a "Court of Love"

Baptasm: The process of putting a person underwater, while simultaneously pleasuring them.

Baptism: A practice used in Middle Ages for finding witches. Something done to dead people when not enough live converts can be found. Selling of one's soul to the church. Also works for the dead.

Bare Testimonkey: The practice of a male Mormon to strip naked and reprove their penis with kindness for making them spank it.

Barge: Jaredite - J-Boat. Holy Submarine.

Barneythepurpledinosarites: The seed of Adam even more cursed and wicked than the seed of Cain.

Barrow pit: Something found only in Utah--a ditch alongside the road. People outside the state have never heard the expression.

Bashop: The head of the Mormon ward, who calls you into his office to criticize, judge, and threaten you.

Basketball: The sport of Jesus' choice, because a basketball court is in almost every chapel; also it is clearly the place where the men, who are holders of the holy priesthood, can feel and spread "the spirit" of terrible sportsmanship with their fellow brethren.

Baskin Robbins: Most commonly visited person on Sunday after church. LDS version of heroin and cocaine. Mormon foreplay.

Battlestar Galactica: Mormon Star Trek.

Beards: Not allowed for temple workers. Discouraged to wear in case they are mistaken for early Mormon prophets or Scriptural characters. Traditionally a sign of wisdom, which explains why they are rarely seen on LDS "Authorities." Facial hair only Jesus can wear in the temple.

Beaver: Central Utah village made "furmous" as the "Let's get away!" from Apostle Russel M Nelson retreat of Sheri "She Devil" Dew and "Wild" Wendy Watson. Secret password, sign and token required to enter the village is "Leave it to Beaver."

Behave Clothing: Makers of Mormon temple garments and clothing formerly known as Beehive Clothing.

Belief Society: Where good women learn to believe in being obedient and pregnant.

Benefliction: 1. A closing prayer that drags on and on. 2. The infering or overt explaning of something bad that has happened to you in terms of a blessing usually during the bearing of a testimony.

BIB: Born in the Brainwash.

Bible: Another Testament of the Book of Mormon.

BIC: Born in the Covenant. Born in the co n vent. Born in curse. Born In Coven. Brainwashed in Childhood.

Bigamy Young: Early Mormon prophet

Bigfoot: (In Mormon folklore) Cain wandering the Earth. According to some Mormon heretics (esp. Strangites). One of the remnants of the Nephites who wander the Americas, as opposed to the ones playing Lamanites.

Bishops Wh-orehouse: Where priesthood holders whose wives have cut them off can go to.

Bishop: Wealthiest man in ward. The local ward policeman, detective, prosecutor, jury and executioner.

Bishoprest: Dozing members of the bishopric during Sacrament Meeting.

Bishoprick: Three jerks who get to tell you what to do, because of their anatomy.

Bishoprickles: Nervous feelings around church leaders.

Black: A form of cursing and stigmatizing used by God in the Book of Mormon. See white.

Black and White: What Mormons think in.

Blasphemormonous: Speaking evil of the Lord's annoying. Any media news in any way negative toward Moism. Telling the truth.

Bless: Gloat.

Blessink: To go into debt in order to pay tithing and be worthy of the promised blessings; n. the illusion of divinely-delivered prosperity created by going deeply into debt.

Blockhead: A Mormon who attends the three hour block of Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, Primary, Priesthood, Young Women or Relief Society.

Blond Atonement: The practice of dying one's hair and claiming Scandinavian ancestry

Blond Atoner: Really bright red lipstick worn around General conference time. Old school Mormon temple goer who still demands to display the "throat slash" during the true order of prayer.

Blue Collar: Unworthy e.g. "That man is a blue collar worker, so we can't give him any high up callings"

Blufftale: City located south of Salt Lake at the Point of the Mountain infamous for highest ratio of wives per household - thirteen to one. City Mayor, Paul E. Gamy, continues to bluff the authorities testifying that he and all other men in the community do NOT practice plural wifery.

Blurred of Wisdom: Lack of clarity and specifics in the Word of Wisdom resulting in varying interpretations of “hot drinks.”

Blushings and Annointings: The temple intiatory ordinances prior to changes in 2005.

BMW: Big Mormon Wagon.

Bob: Verb. Example: As when asked to give a talk or accept a calling you "Bob your head and say yes."

BOM: Book of Mormon. Bunch of malarkey. Bucket of manure. The keystone of the crock. Bowel (Oooh!) Movement. Bloody old Moroni!.

Bookamarmons: Reformed Egyptian records written by a flaming salamander from Guatemala and dumped in a hole in New York for a whiny, self-righteous young man to find and turn into a religion.

Book of Abraham: Exposed deception.

Book of Borgmon: A book, written in Reformed Clingon, that outlines the thousand year struggle between the evil Borg (once white and delightsome, now cursed with cybernetic technology) and the Federation.

Captain Picardoni appears to a young man, Wesley Crusher, and shows him where the record is buried in a hill by his house in upstate New York.

Book of Mormon: BM Book. Most corrected book on earth (3000 changes and counting). The Adventures of Jesus Christ Along The Mississippi. Another Testicle of Joseph Smith. Book of Boredom.

Book of Morwimmon: Another Testament of Polygamy.

Bore-ordination: when you expect to be bored at church, and it happens.

Borrelation: The systematic neutering of LDS taught material so that one can start Sunday school in nursery then head on over to gospel doctrine class half way through, and not skip a beat.

Bountifullofit: City in Utah renown for its self-righteousness upper crust neighborhood "Recommend Ridge" which is home of Apostle Henry Eyring.

Boyd K Packer: Droid K. Packer. Darth Packer. Boyd KKK Packer. Boinky Pecker. Boydie. Birding Boyd. Woody Pecker. Blue Bird Packer. Boyd Loon Packer. Boyd Hawkeye Packer. Boidy K Packer. Boyd Tweedy Pie Packer. Boidnest K. Packer. Boy Packer. Butt Packer. Pud Whacker. Roid Snacker. Void P Krapper. Mighty Mouth. Da Boyd. Line T. Backer. Auntee M (Anti-M). A. Void Pecker. B.urK.enstock-Packer. Darth Doctrine. Green Spayed Packer. Darth K. Vader. Boyd of Prey.

Box Elders: Mormon women who hold the priesthood.

Bozo: Temple new name for Gordon B. Hinckley/Hinckliey.

Brady Bunch: A form of insanity induced by Family Home Evening seven nights a week.

BreathUrine: Morg (Mormon) PriestDUD holders.

Brethren: Smother'n. Botherin'em.

Brick of Moron: The Book of Mormon nobody wants to buy or read.

Brighamite: A follower of Brigham Young in the schism following Joseph Smith's death. They did not comprise the largest group, but became that later on.

Brighamoron: Wild and outlandish doctrinal statement. Example: "If we keep allowing access to LDS.ORG people are going to keep finding brighamoronic statements to embarrass the Church with." A fundamental unit of embarrassment qausi-normal Mormons feel when discovering historical truths about their religion. See also (Kilo-Brigamorons.)

Brigamorotron: A liahona like instrument that measures fundamental units of embarrassment (KBm). Example: Your typical "I went to school but forgot my pants" nightmare registers over 37 KBm on a properly-calibrated Brigamorotron. Readings of over 40 KBm are detected when one discovers Joseph Smith had sexual relations with 14 year old girls and wives of other men whom he sent away on missions. See also (Kilo-Brigamorons.)

Brighamy: Mental affliction manifesting itself by the compulsive taking of an excessive amount wives. See also "Brighamous Relationship"

Brigham Tea or Brigham Weed: See Mormon tea [DAW].

Brigham Young: Bring 'Em Young. Breed 'em Young. Bang 'em Young. Stud. Frig-em young.

Brigham Young Cocktail: [DAW] Moonshine, especially firewater or Indian whiskey.

Bringum Young: The Younger the better. Polygamy & pedophilia are synonymous.

Broad-Jumping: Olympic Sport in which Joseph Smith and Brigham Young excelled.

Brody Bunch: Men who do know Joe's History.

Brothel Sprouts: Kids born in the Beehive House to Brigham Young and his polygamous wives.

Brother: Other member of church, the prophet being the "big" one. A person whom a sister is expected to marry, without fear of incest e.g. "I hear Brother Smith is engaged to Sister Jones." A fellow mason, another feature of Mormonism nicked from the "Craft".

Brother Hitler: One of the lesser known posthumous converts to Mormonism.

Brothertonize: To start detrimental rumors about a person's character to offset any evidence they produce that is harmful to the current Mormon position. It is a common technique at F.A.R.M.S. Also to engage in rampant speculation about which sins Brother or Sister Brown must have committed to (1) not have been married in the Temple (2) not have taken the sacrament (3) be waiting outside the Bishop's office etc. (synonymous with "Sarah-Prattize" and "Nancy-Rigdonize").

Brudda O' Jah-red: Jamaican prophet & reggae singer

Bruce R McConkie: Bruce Limbaugh McConkie. Brews R McCoorskey. Bruce R. McKooky. Massa McBonkers.

Bulletin: Ward information only read during the opening hymn. Paper airplane material. What killed Joe Smith.

Burning in the bosom: Heartburn from that pizza I ate before Fast and Testimony meeting. Mild spontaneous combustion. The feeling you get when some other Mormon says something you really want to believe.

BYU: University of California at Provo. Secret Service Recruiting Headquarters. "Y" Mount. BYU-YBU?. "The Berkeley of the West". The Auschwitz of the West.

BYU Motto: Enter to serve, go forth to learn. The campus is our world.

B.Y.Zoonosis: A spiritual infection contracted from intimate contact with BYU's mascot, Cosmo the Cougar. Symptoms are terminal self-righteousness, arrogance and a perpetual homing instinct to reside in Provo, Utah.

C

Calling: Ordering. A promotion/career move ordered by the voices in the leadership's head. Culling (of the half-hearted).

Calling and Erection Made Sure: A Moronic Priesthood status only conferred upon a male Mormon who is worthy of sexaltation.

Captain Moroni Manicotti: Big slices of kosher beef stuffed into a golden armor of gourmet Italian semolina pasta. Your hunger will be liberated and your taste buds will cry surrender in response to its righteous conquest of flavor.

Captain Ne-Mo: The temple worker in charge of baptisms for the dead.

Carthaged: Dying unexpectedly in a drive by shooting or assasination expedition at the age of thirty eight.

Catareact: Visual malady suffered by General Authorities reacting like a "cat" on a hot tin roof when legally challenged in a UK court of law and being forced to acknowledge all of the "pussy" chasing prophet, Joseph Smith's multiple wives.

Celestial Gloom: The feeling one has the first time through the temple, often either disappointment or shock and despair.

Celestial Kingdom: CK. Post Existence. Celestial Condom.

Cew: A hard bench which gives your ass the cue that it doesn't need to be sitting there for 3 hours every damn Sunday.

Chapel Mormonism: Mormonism as defined by the Prophets (as opposed to the scientists and the apologists). The brand of Mormonism which believes in a hemispheric geography and a worldwide flood. "Avoid the wisdom of the world" is the golden rule of Chapel Mormonism.

Chastity: The complete and unnatural denial of one's sexuality.

Che-mo-therapy: Medically assisted withdrawal from Mormonism with prescribed doses of alcohol and coffee.

Chiasmus: Ancient Hebrew literary convention where a text repeats itself again and again, much used in Mormon scriptures just to make sure you heard it the first time. Another word for "tautology". Repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition...

Choir: Acoustic dissonance or harmonic divergence. A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

Chosen: Singled Out

Christianity: Christ-insanity. Legendary religion of Europe, from which Mormonism is said to be derived.

Christiansanity: 1) The inability to take the same process that you applied to Mormonism to see that it was made up to Christianity. 2) The crazy belief that on a board for recovering Mormons, you should preach your faith promoting rumours about Christianity.

Christ Myth: The myth subscribed to by Mormonism and the rest of Christianity, that Jesus of Nazareth was conceived and born of a virgin, walked on water, raised the bead, was himself resurrected from the dead, leaving an empty tomb, that his bloody death was an atoning sacrifice for sin ordained of Yahweh, and that it was all in fulfillment of Hebrew scripture.

Chro-mo-some: Genetic material responsible for epidemics of gullibility, blind obedience and naivete most commonly found in Utah, Southern Idaho and Mesa, Arizona.

Chronic Priesthood: The stale, unused and useless power of the "Prospective Elder." Dormant Deacon.

Church Court: The A.T.F. (Alcohol, Tobacco, and Fornication). The Spanish Fork Inquisition. Known for its kangaroos. "The Case of Jesus Christ vs. ..."

Church Educational System - CES: CESS-Pool. Church Erection Service, Keeps the church propped up by preventing premature priapism in young men. The CES mission statement says "Making more babies to justify our pathetic CES salaries by convincing our young men that their only hope to screw like minks and multiply like rabbits is to go on a mission."

Church Indian: Converted Lamanite, especially one that takes advantage of church services.

Church Office Building: Church Phallic Center. COB. "The Exclusive" Temple View Towers. Vertical Vatican. The Conning Tower.

Church Poorelation: When Fast Offerings are spent on the Mormon poor.

Church Security: Especial Agents. Baal Enforcement Agents. Depends - diapers for adults.

CIA: Celestial Intelligence Agency, Strengthening the Members Committee.

CincoDeMoMo: Annual local holiday in July celebrating expulsion from everwhere else and ending up in the middle of the desert. Similar to a eviction celebration.

Circleville, Utah: "Squares-Ville"

City Creek Mall: The True Mall of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Circumcision: Surgical removal of the foreskin of the penis. Procedure performed on virtually all Mormon males because it is believed to prevent masturbation. Clinical definition of brain surgery when performed upon the sitting prophet, seer and revelator of the LDS Church. In especially chronic cases performed twice such as with Boyd K Packer who was circumcised as a youth and then again when ordained to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

Closing hymn: The last song at a meeting, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. A call from nature to use the bathroom.

Club Kolob: The Mormon Church. The "Shagged in the temple club" like the mile high club on an airplane.

Coffee: A substance which use of identifies the sane and rules out the Mormons and Seventh Day Adventists. See also tobacco, tea, alcohol, birth control.

Cognitive dissonance: Mormon Denial Mechanism. A special kind of insanity. Mormondumb conundrum. Something obscure Exmo's go on about.

Cohab: See Polyg.

Colorado City-ism: Name for the extreme abuse of the state welfare system.

Commandments: Commando-ments.

Compound Fracture: What happened after the Mormon Church ruled they would no longer practice polygamy - referring to the Fundamentalists who insisted on remaining polygamists and disappeared behind the compound walls, emerging only to collect their welfare checks. - by Robin

Comyoungism: Like Stalinism with a Mormon twist. After all, they lived the law of consecration: giving all your time, talents, money, all you possess to building up the corporation of the church.

Condissention: To disagree in a condescending manner or sarcastic tone. Example: "Of COURSE Joseph Smith saw an angel, dummy! The Book of Mormon's true isn't it?" he said condissentingly.

Conference: Where one goes twice a year to hear "Mo"-tivational speakers.

CONference: Emphasis on con, and not confer.

Conference Center: Supernacle. Con Center. Utah Moon Base, the Superbald. Convergence Center. Mormon Fort Knox, Mormon Castle. Mormon Camelot. Prisonacle. Cement Dome. The Mormon Alcatraz. Great and Specious Building. The Connivance Center. The Con-Job Center. The Conjurer Center. Snow-Job Central. The Deception Center. Tower of Babble-On. Boyd's Bunker. Monson's Monument. Faust's Fiasco. The Brethren's Bunker. Chloroform Center. Taj Mo-hall. Goditorium. Meganacle

Conferencemas: Definition depends on activity and belief level: 1. You get dressed up in church clothing and sit at home and watch conference on TV, celebrating that you didn't actually have to go to church. 2. You take certain weekend Holidays from church. The amount of holidays you take depend upon your desire to celebrate a General, Stake, and/or Ward area Conferencemas. 3. You sit home with your TV turned to conference, thinking you get spiritual vibrations from having it on the TV, but you don't actually watch it. You do laundry, dishes, work around the house while "watching" it. 4. You tune to BYU channel out of curiosity, laugh, turn off the TV and go out and do something else to celebrate your freedom from the church.

Conformation: Ordinance performed on new memebers to make them the same as everyone else

Conjunctivitis (pink eye): Conjunctivitis (pink eye): Blindness regarding the color pink or the other colors of the diversity rainbow leading a terminal case of bigotry. "Con"demnation of the "junc" that socially di"vitis" from our LGBT family and friends.

Conversion: Temporal insanity.

Convert: Mormon-ey. Socially disabled. Biblically impaired. (In the sport of rugby.) To kick balls hard between two posts. (In Mormonism.) Something similar except the balls tend to be "spiritual".

Coriantumurmur: The only fraternal twin mentioned in the Gold Plates, brother of Coriantumr who whined about everything from girding up his loins to decapitating Shiz and helping Mormon stencil in "And it came to pass" over 1,989 times into the Nephite record.

Corporation of the President: Korporxion. King Korp. Multinazional Korps of the Pre$ident.

Cos-mo-naut: A person who hies and byes from Kolob. A student of Mormon space doctrine. A Mormon who has baptized Carl Sagan for the dead.

Councilbluffed: verb - to foil emmigration. Example: It wasn't long before hundreds of trusting dupes had been councilbluffed into attempting a plains crossing in the dead of winter powered by green-oak handcarts and temporarily thawed children.

Course of Love: The Mormon process of shunning and discarding a member

Court of Glove: When going up to be ex'ed, the feeling that you have been clobbered with both fists.

Courtyard of Love: a place where questioning Mormons come to associate with Exmormons while they're realizing that the nightmare is real and that they can get through it.

Covenant: Entrapment.

Coven-ant: Bond made with Mormon witches.

Covenantectomy: Resigning membership in LDS Church. Promising never again to attend the Mormon temple.

Covered Wagon: A condom, despised by Mormons, as it results in no babies.

Coy Scouts: Don't be coy with me. A don't ask, don't tell organization.

Cranial Coitus Syndrome: Fucked in the head. The symptoms are: complete loss of logical thinking, dependence of victims on fictional scriptures, worship of a narcissistic scam artist, denial of scientifically proven facts, payment of 10% of income to a cult and the need to wear magic underwear for protection. Very sad disease.

Cranio-rectal Impaction: A fatal medical-spiritual condition suffered by those who sit through General Conference twice a year and only stand up long enough to deliver a twenty minute mantra to the congregation.

Crapel: A building full of Mormon teachings.

Crook of Mormon: Joseph Smith.

Cross: Something other churches stick on their roofs, and used by them for scaring off ghosts, ghouls, vampires and other generally unpleasant children of the night. Mormons prefer pentagrams and Masonic logos.

Crossroads of the West: Crossroads of the WORST.

Cryamony: A blathering,slobbering, spiritual ejaculation.

CTR: Caffeine Theologically Repulsed. Called To Rage. Called To Reproduce. Calm the Ruffled. Cannot Tolerate Religion. Can't Tell Really. Can't Tell Right. Can't Think Rationally. Can't Think Right. Can't Tolerate Reality. Can't Trust Religion. Can't Turd Right. Captain Tieancums Regiment. Carrots, Tomatoes and Radishes. Castrate The Rebellious. Catching Tail Rocks. Catholics Totally Rock. Cause They're Rotten. Cause to Regurgitate. Cease to Reason. Censor Truth & Reason. Cerebral Testimonial RigorMortis. Change the Revelations. Change the Rules. Changing Temple Rituals. Chant Temple Rituals (Oh god hear the words of my mouth!!). Chase the Revenue. Chase The Rich. Chastise The Repressed. Chastise, Threaten & Retaliate. Chastise The Republicans. Cheap Tin Ring. Cheating Through Revelation. Check the Revolver. Cheesy Testimonials and Rants. Chew The Rice. Children for Theocratic Revolution. Children Thoroughly Rastafied. Children To Rape. Choke the Righteous. Choke The Rod. Choose the Rectum. Choose the Reich. Choose Their Relatives. Choose the Republican. Choose The Revenue. Choose the Rich. Choose The Right. Choose The "RITE". Choose the Rod. Choose The RONG. Choose To Rave. Choose to rebel. Choose to Reproduce. Chose to Resign. Choose to Rock. Choose To Run. Choose Trojan Rubbers. Chronic Theological Revisionists. Circus Three Ring. Clean The Rifle. Clear Thinking Rules. Clenched Tight Rectum. Climb The Ramiumptum. Close the Rectum. Close the Refrigerator. Closed To Reason. Clued To Reality. Clueless TBM Robots. Clueless Temple Rats. Cock Tease Ring. Coddle The Rich. Coffee To Remove. Color Them Red. Come Taste Reality. Conceal The Reality. Conformity Through Repetition. Confound The Righteous. Contest To Reproduce. Continuing Total Revisionism. Control That Rabble. Control Through Religion. Convert The Rich. Corporate Thinking Robot. Corporation of Tight-assed Robbers. Corral The Renegades. Corrupt The Righteous. Cougars, Terrible Rebounders. Count The Reasons. Count Thy Rings. Count Tithing Receipts. Cover Thy Rod. Cowboys Take Risks. Cram the Rectum. Cram the Religion. Cram the Revelations. Cram Thy Religion. Cranky, Tired Rabbits. Crap To Remember. Crash Team Racing. Creating Thorough Reverie. Critical Thinking Required. Criticize the Religion. Crucify The Reasonable. Crummy Tips Religiously. Crumple That Recommend. Cucumber Temple Raffle. Cult that Represses. Curse This Religion.

Cult Kolob: The Mormon Church.

Cultstyle: Mormon lifestyle.

Culture: Non-intellectually stimulating pap to keep people in the church. Traditions that people confuse with beliefs.

Cultural Hall: Not really a hall at all, nothing cultural happens therein. A big, ugly gymnasium/ward pot-luck/embarrassingly bad talent show/Christmas party/youth dance (aka: teen gropefest) /free-for-all room where the un-luckiest of young Mormon brides have their wedding receptions. (These receptions are usually hideously decorated with homemade doodads and catered by the ward Relief Society. The conspicuous absence of alcoholic beverages and the quiet droning of "reverent" voices usually forces non-member friends and relatives to flee the bore-athon as soon as the coast is clear.)

Cultural Hell: Utah, for ex-Mormons and non-Mormons.

Cumom: An unknown pre-Columbian animal. What is spurted out of a young man's "little factory" when stroked.

Cumorah: A hill simultaneously in two places. Namely an unknown location in Mesoamerica and near Palmyra, New York. Short for "Cum Horror" which was premature ejaculation occasionally experienced by Joe Smith.

Cumorah Pageant: Mormon Passion play (based on fiction).

D

Dale Murphy: 1982-1983 National League MVP. Mormon Ball Player. Took a lot of Sundays off. Made up to the church by serving a mission with his wife for three years in Boston.

DAMU: Disaffected Mormon Underground.

Darkness: The total lack of any light for three days, where even the sun could not light up the clouds during the day, and no one could light a fire with dry wood for three days. Mormons easily accept this claim in Third Nephi, Chapter 8 without any question or doubt whatsoever, and that has to be real "spiritual darkness!"

Daughters of Helawoman: Exactly two thousand, not one more than and not one less than two thousand, buxom virgins who suffered pre-arranged marriages to the buffed out battalion of Nephite Stripling Warriors. Approximately twenty percent of these "primos" as they were murmured failed due to the standard ten percent of women being lesbian and ten percent of men being gay. And it came to pass that these primo people went on to enjoy flamboyant bohemian lives banding together as "The Gaydayianton Clubbers" who lived rich and full lives of loud laughter and light mindedness.

Daughters of the Whore: LDS scriptural name for Protestant churches, the whore being the Roman Catholic Church. Mormons often say this and wonder why other churches won't let them join in.

David B. Haight: David Be Hate. David Berate. David B. Haive. David Beehive

Days of 47 Parade: Utah's unique version of "The Renaissance Festival"

Decon: Spiritual poison sprayed on twelve year old Mormon boys fumigating them from critical thinking, individuality and normal adolescence.

Deer: A kind of horse used in the book of Mormon (FARMS). A "tapir" fitted excuse for lack of horse bones discovered corresponding to Book of Mormon time periods

Deseret: "Desert" with an extra "e" to make it sound more attractive. A territory marked out by Brigham Young and his followers, originally comprising all of Utah, most of Nevada & Arizona, and parts of the states of California, Idaho, New Mexico, Oregon and Wyoming. The word comes from the BoM where it is glossed as "Bee". In actual fact, it would be "DeBeret" in Hebrew, which means "BeeS".

Deseret Alphabet: A phonetic alphabet initiated by BY, which was going to replace Roman script. Although it failed, it was quite a head of its time, and resembles some modern systems e.g. IPA.

Deseret Book: Mormon Amazon.com

Deseret Dinosaur: A General Authority, more especially the prophet or one of the twelve apostles.

Deseret Mutual Benefit Association: Desperate Marital Benefit Association.

Deseret News: D News. Doomsday News. Deserted News. Dessert News. Duh News. Desperate News. Dumbserted Noose. Provo-da. CN-end times.

Deseret Morning News: Desperate Mormon News.

Desert Tea: See Mormon Tea [DAW].

Dialog : A one way conversation in printed format. The opposite of prayer. A pseudo intellectual pacifying Mormon friendly publication. Dial a frog.

Disappear: What happens to your beer if you invite only one Mormon to deer hunt with you. Always invite two Mormons to deer hunt, they will tattle on each other if they touch your beer.

Dish: 1. To give food instead of actual love and support in times of need or grief; 2. to attempt to lure inactives, apostates and fauxriends into the church with food.

Dishop: The central repository of gossip in a Mormon ward.

Dispensation: What the doctor gives you to deal with present day reality.

Diversity: When more than 2 LDS people in the ward speak english as a second language. 10% non-LDS town. One non Mormon church per town. Area still mostly white, some other, but not more than 10%, or else they should leave. Exists only outside Utah.

DNA: Dark Nephites Anonymous. Denied Native Americans. Don't kNow Anything about it. Do Not Apostatize.

Doctoring in Convents: The practice of breaking off from mainstream Mormonism to start a polygamist separatist community.

Doctrinal Relativism: Doctrine that is whatever it needs to be at the moment. Something you thought was doctrine because some relative told it to you.

Doctrine and Covenants or "D&C": A book of riddle-like laws, regulations, and religious ordinances governing Mormondom that, interestingly, gives no real concrete definition of what the doctrines of the present-day church are, despite the fact that mundane and trivial commands concerning the affairs of individuals who lived in the first part of the 1800's are clearly stated. Doctoring and Covenants. Boring part of the scriptures only shown to investigators after they're dunked and for explaining the odd bit that's not in the Bible or Book of Mormon. The REAL Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Dusting and cleaning. Doctored and Covered Up. Doctrine & Couplets.

DoctUrine: Morg (Mormon) teachings.

Dodo: A fowl named after Elder Jeffrey R Holland who as an apostle became extinct when not one person whom he challenged agreed to crawl over, under or around The Book of Mormon.

Donnie and Marie: First male - female Mormon media mercenary duo.

Draper: verb: 1. to engage in antisocial, meaningless and/or annoying activities, out of sheer boredom for extended periods of time, such as for hours or days. "The boys drapered around for the next three days, playing Resident Evil 4, teasing prairie dogs, watching VH1, or throwing eggs at passing cars."

Drapery: noun : 1. the action and effect of engaging in anti-social, meaningless, and/or annoying activities, out of sheer boredom for extended periods of time, such as for days or weeks. "Any person or persons found to be publicly engaging in drapery are subject to a fine of up to $3000 dollars."

Droid-farm: Euphemism for the Mobot factory.

Dugout: [DAW] Type of early Mormon log cabin.

DUI: Doing Underage Indecency. A penishood holder molesting a person under 18 years of age during a church activity.

Dunnerate: To spin faith promoting stories which portray the author as the protagonist of events which never actually happened.

Dunnerate: To spin faith promoting stories which portray the author as the protagonist of events which never actually happened.

Dunnerism: The actual story created by "dunnerating." They could even change the name of the 'faith-promoting fables' section of the Ensign (you know, the one where they write about people who get their neighbors to join the church by taking them a plate of cookies), and call it "Dunnerisms."

E

Edamic Language: A perfect language spoken by Mormon cheese lovers.

Egyptian: language more commonly used by migrating Hebrews than their native tongue (FARMS).

Eight: Age of responsibility according to Mormonism.

Eighty: Average age of President/Prophet.

Elder: Title given a 19 year old Mormon male to make him feel important

Elder Abuse: When the missionaries WON'T go away.

Elder's Forum: A type of Playboy Forum for dirty old men.

Eloheim: Gawd. Indagoddadavita. Hellnoheem. Ego-him.

Embullish: To alter a story to maximize its faith-promoting value; most often used in recounting missionary conversions or Joseph Smith's good deeds.

Emeritus General Authority: One of the General Authorities (q.v.) who got caught and put out to pasture. For example, Paul H. Dunn, found to have made up the "true" stories he told at General Conference.

Emeritus General Authority's Prayer: God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen

Emma Smith: Co-conspirator.

Encephalo: The brother of Eloheim. Uncle God. The last of the MARX Brothers.

Encephalogram: A communication or prayer to the brother of Eloheim.

Encephalopathy: A psychotic or delusional state in which one believes that he/she is the brother of Eloheim. Rarely found in the general population but more common in Utah.

Endarkenment: The spiritual state one adopts after conversion to Mormonism.

Endowed Endive Salad: These tender white and delightsome leaves have been gently washed and anointed by hand with the purest of consecrated olive oil. The rich nutrients contained in this salad serve as a shield and protection against heart disease and cancer.

Enmormificate: When normal secular things are given an LDS spin: Norman the Nephite, Celestial Pursuit, Mormonopoly, BYU, Utah liquor laws, Utah County store operating hours, etc.

Endourment: Temple ceremony devoid of laughter or lightmindedness.

End-now-ment: A secret ceremony held in Mormon temples in which a Mormon's final vestiges of freedom "end now".

Endowment: "Endure It". A great and heavy burden of sacred seriousness, known for putting great strain on the crotch. Celestial Amway.

Enmopresis: 1. When a Mormon involutarily "shits their pants" when they finally realize Joseph Smith was a con man, not a prophet. 2. Spiritual constipation suddenly and violently released twice a year at General Conference by Jeffrey R. Holland spewing forth through flapping jowls.

Ensigh: Magazine full of vapid, soporific articles.

Ensign: Journal of Irreproducible Results or the Ensighn. The Enzyme. The Mo-Tower.

Enohim (Brian): A rock god.

Eric Kettunen: Founder of www.exmormon.org. The Ralph Nader of Mormonism. The commanding officer of Operation "Deseret" Storm.

Ernest J. Istook: The Latter Day Lunkhead. The Great White Okie. Gordy Hinky's golden boy. Evan Meacham's fraternal twin brother. Proof that Oklahoma ain't O.K. What happens when Salt Lake City gets involved in weird genetic experiments. Bad hair day gone worse. A Mormon theocrat sown among Baptist weeds.

Eski-mo: A Mormon who lives near the Artic Circle and claims be a Lamanite.

Eternal Lime: The shriveled green remnant of your first post-Mormon margarita party.

Eternal Progression: The carrot as opposed to the stick.

The Eternal Round: Hamster wheel of worthiness.

Evangelical: Someone who, ironically, believes in the Bible but not the Book of Mormon.

Evergreen International: The Mormon Church's "cure ministry" for turning Gay people straight. Of course it doesn't work (it it's not broken, you can't fix it) and it only ends up being little more than a top-secret dating service for self-hating homosexuals!

Excommunication: Radical churchectomy. Kolobectomy. "Ex-ed" - Getting voted off Packer's Island. The result of going public with the discovery that the Church is a load of baloney.

Exmopaloosa : The "new name" given to the Exmormon Foundation Conferences.

Exmorcism: A ritual in which one ex-Mormon exorcises the Mormonism from the soul of another ex-Mormon. Resignation for the dead.

Ex-Mormon gathering: Exmo expo.

Exmormon(s): Apostates-R-Us. Perdition Mission. The Church of the Latter-Day-Down-to-Earth People. Hellots.

Ex-husband/Ex-wife: FTU (Former Spousal Unit).

Ex-Lax: A movement of the bowels of mercy one feels upon being excommunicated from the LDS Church.

Extra Telestial: A naughty alien.

Exspermination Order: The real reason Governor Boggs ejected the Mormons from Missouri. What Boyd Packer yelled at his son after catching him masturbating.

Ezralite: A cross between a Mormon and a John Bircher.

Ezra Taft Benson: The cold war president. Extra Daft Benson.

F

FAIR: A Mormon apologetic organization acronym - Fiction Articulated in Riddles.

FAIRball: A word play on "furball" meaning a Mormon apologetic statement inane enough to make one gag.

Faith Bait: attractive Temple Square sister missionaries.

Faith Bait Iniative: The plan to assign the most attractive sister missionaries to Temple Square.

Faith promoting rumor: Something that didn't happen or isn't true that we pretend did happen or is true, because it makes us feel good. Mormon urban legend.

Faithship: Implied friendship as a result of shared faith. This often leads to compete denial that any friendship ever existed once one friend no longer believes.

Fake a Morgasm: The act of bearing one's testimony in church while not actually feeling a burning in your bosom, often performed under duress or coercion.

Families Are Fornever: All available time must be spent in church callings, not with family.

Family Home Evening: FHE. Fighting and all Hell break loose Evening. "Manic Monday". Sabbath Extra. Family Yawn Meeting. 'Family Hoedown Evenin'. A weekly squirming exercise for Mormons and their children. Keeps members fit for Sunday hard-chair sitting.

Family Pistory: all the arguments you've had since you realized the church is a fraud.

Family Reunion: AKA visiting the zoo.

FARMS: Where more sheep are bred. Pay-lay-alentologist's organization at BYU. Kolob Keystone Kops.

FARMS Jr.: SHIELDS or FAIR.

Fast and Testimony Meeting: Snore and bore-a-thon. Practical training laboratory in enduring to the end. Starve and Tell Meeting. Fast and Cacaphony Meeting. Fast and Acrimony Meeting. Starve and Tell Meeting.

Fast Coffering: Money fleeced from the sheep and quickly stashed away for malls and other charity projects.

Fast Offering: The quicker the less painful.

Fauxriend: 1. Someone you befriend for the sole purpose of converting them; 2. People you’re assigned to home/visiting teach.

Faust: 1) Figure known for selling his soul to Satan. 2) Also subject of famous play by Goethe, Marlowe etc... not to be confused with 1).

Fellowshipping: Harassment. The Mormon ship is sinking, and they want to take you down with them.

Fetch: Mormon exclamation meaning to "fuck up". Slang for motherfucker. Sonofabitch. Aw-shit. See also: Flip.

Fictorian: A Mormon historian.

Fillmore-Beaver Metro Area: Rest stop for Brigham Young to and from St. George, Utah now marked by a giant, billowing garment crotch suspended across the road that you have to drive through to enter the city, after stopping to knock three times on the gate frame.

First Contact: The first meeting with a new race of beings from another planet. When the missionaries meet their investigator.

First Ministry of Jesus Christ: Jesus having taken a physical body, and come to earth to establish the kingdom of God, was apparently incompetent and lacking in inspiration, for He made numerous mistakes and ultimately failed to impact humanity and complete His Mission - in fact creating such a mess with that Great Abominable Church, it seems like we would have all been better off had Jesus just stayed home and really gotten serious about carpentry. As it turns out, Peter was not the Rock upon He would build his church, but rather Peter was to return like Ben Kenobi bestow upon Luke Skywalker the Jedi Priesthood. In fact it seems Jesus was set up by His Father In Heaven for complete failure, just so that Joseph Smith could come down here and clean up all that mess Jesus had started... Leave it to Jesus, right?

First Presidency: The God Squad. The "Provo-teriat". The Three Marketeers. The Preposterous Presidency. The Worst Precedentcy. The First Presidio.

First Vision: The bit the Grays made up to help Joseph forget the anal probe.

Five Points of Fellowship: Five gropes of bodyshifts.

FKAM: Formerly Known As Mormon (Sound it out....).

Flaith: Believing the flavor of the month doctrine.

Flip: Mormon exclamation meaning to "fuck up". Slang for motherfucker. Sonofabitch, Cocksucker, Aw-shit, See also: Fetch.

Folklore: Former doctrines that have now became embarrassing to the LDS Church.

FoMo: Formerly Mormon.

Foreplay: 1/2 hour at Snelgroves Ice Cream.

Former-Mormon: The more euphonic version of "ex-Mormon".

Four Corners: Area where the states of Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona meet.

Fourteen: The legal age of a polygamist wife. See Helen Mar Kimball, Elizabeth Smart.

Foymons: The "Mormons" who hang out in the foyer and hallways, never actually attending meetings: often closet disbelievers or apostates (see Mosochist). The Foymons like to hallstand while keeping their Mosochism to themselves.

Franklin Day Planner: Popular Mormon tool used to impress others with one's spiritual organizational excellence. Instrument used by Joseph Smith and Benjamin Franklin at the judgment bar to evaluate entrants to the Celestial Kingdom.

Franticize: That your faithful life is full of frantic excitement. Example: Rushing from one church meeting or activity to another. Hold down more than two callings in the church.

Freaking: Mormon acceptable alternative to "Fucking". See also "Friggin."

Free Agency: Freedom of mind which when practiced in such a manner as to disagree with a decision made by an appointed leader results in excommunication.

Free Agency: Freedom of mind which when practiced in such a manner as to disagree with a decision made by an appointed leader results in excommunication.

Freshman Orientation: Sexual identity of first year BYU students who haven’t come to terms with their homosexuality yet.

Frick or Frickin': A word used by contemporary mormons as a surrogate for "fucking."

Friend: A nonmember acquaintance to whom you've never spoken more than a few words who you invite over for dinner with the missionaries. Unwitting gentile victim to be.

Frigging (or freaking): A euphemism for the "F" word as used by the righteous which is less commonly known to actually refer to female masturbation.

Frostifaithing: The Sugar-coated, Milk-before-meat, whitewashed, diluted, white bread, less offensive version of the church that many who were members 50 years ago no longer recognize today. Example: "The General Authorities want to frostifaith the entire religion so they appear to be more mainstream." (See also doctriglaze.)

FSU: Former Spousal Unit.

Fukuoka Japan Temple: Fuckuova Temple. The best place you can tell any Mormon stalkers to get to.

Fundamentalists: Fundies. People who still actually practice historical Mormon doctrine.

G

GA: General Authority, Great and Abominable. Gordon's Ass. Gawd awful. The Lyin' of Zion. Member of the A-nal Team. Geriatric Advisor. Genuine Asshole.

Garmelts: Special underwear, designed to make you extra sweaty/sticky in the summer heat.

Garmeroos: What a koala bear or kangaroo wears after being endowed in the Sydney Australia LDS Temple.

The Garment District: Salt Lake City. Area formed within triangle drawn between Temple Square, The COB, and CON ference center.

Garment Feel: Rubbing the palm of one's hand lightly over someone's upper back in search of the telltale ridge of the garment collar.

Garmentize: To recognize that someone is Mormon because of the familiar neck and leg lines created by holy underwear.

Garments: Garmies. G's. Funny undies. Jesus Jammies. Mormon birth control. Devil deflectors. Mason undies. Kolob Kevlars. Tits to the Square. Wicked wedgies. A filmy coating designed for the body which is worn as a continual reminder of the slipperiness of the doctrines of the Church. Thermal underwear for the righteous. Angel chaps. Pious panties. Magic Underwear. White under burka. Latter-day chastity belt.

Gaspel: What gets preached at General Conference.

GA's: Little Gray Men. Geezer Authorities.

Gaydayianton Clubbers: White and delightsome Book of Mormon bohemianites who lived rich and full lives of loud laughter and light mindedness in Zarahemla.

Gays: Prior to 1998, fictitious persons who exhibited homosexual tendencies. Caused by masturbation. See Same Sex Attraction (SSA). That longing look the missionary kept giving you. People who were never really Mormon.

Geewhism: An outlandish and easily debunked claim by the apologists.

Gelder: One who teaches missionaries, known as elders, and attempts to emotionally castrate them and take away all their vitality. See also General Authority or mission president.

Genealogy: Sorting out which of the wives you're related to.

General Authorities: Gerontocracy. Zombies of Zion. The Illumi"knotty" (AKA Illumi"NUTTY"). The Deseret Mafia. The Prophet Club for Men. The Celestial Circle. Garmented Asses. Genital Authorities. Deseret Dinosaurs.

General Authority(ies): G.A. Great and Abominable. Gestapo Authority. gerontocrat. Generalizing Authority. Geritol Gang. Group also known in musical circles as "The Arythmiacs". Priapic (of, relating to, or resembling a phallus; phallic. Relating to or overly concerned with masculinity) post for big sticks. The American politburo. Geritol Authorities. Geriatric Authorities.

General Con Center: Building in downtown Salt Lake City where LDS General Conference is held twice a year.

General Conference: Self-aggrandizement". Mass spanking and finger-pointing fest. Hosted by the Prophet and his minions twice a year. Can be viewed live or by remote satellite link. General Regurgitants.

General Conference Reports: Chloroform in print. Statistics only making sense when viewed with your "spiritual eyes."

General Handbook Of Instructions: General Handbook of Inquisition. General Handbook of Impositions.

Generalissi-mo: The highest ranking Mormon leader in Latin America or Italy.

Genereal Conference: Incurably interminable semi annual meeting.

Genital Authority: Boyd K Packer or Spencer W Kimball who were obsessed with all aspects of sexuality.

Gentile: NeverMo. (In Mormonism) a practicing Jew.

German and Thommin: Thomas S. Monson's secret weapon against Communism.

Geroni-mo: Lamanite chief famous for smitting off the arms, legs and heads of ten thousand wicked Nephites in the Battle of Little Big Cumorahorn.

Ghosts: Departed relatives who have nothing better to do than hang around and provide promptings, get baptized, help out bored TBMs (True Believing Mormons) with family research etc for eternity.

Giddianhi: How to make a Mormon horse or Nephite tapir gallop.

Giddyupgiddonah: Famous Nephite tapir back rider of The Hill Ramah Rodeo and The Shemlon Stampede.

Gift of Tongues: Joseph Smith's new revelation that making out with women other than your wife is okay, in fact, its great, in fact, its commanded of you, in fact, is necessary to attain celestial glory, in fact....

Gilbert, Arizona: South Gordy-Town. South Tommy Town.

Gilgirl: At age 14, the youngest wife of Gilgal, the notorious Nephite commander who was famous for ignoring the Golden Plates put down of polygamy. Joseph Smith seduced Fanny Alger by telling her how she was even more beautiful than famous Nephite princess.

Giz-mo: A faithful member of an LDS ward who comes volunteers for those callings no one else will accept i.e restroom scrubber, Conference Center cleaner, temple session attender or nursery worker.

Gladys Knight: New patron saint of Public Relations for the Mormon Church. Pimp Gordy's sugar bun.

Glaucoma: Coma like trance afflicting thousands at the Semi-Annual General Conference of the LDS Church when the prophet "seer" starts to revelate.

God: White guy on Kolob.

Godbox: Church Office Building.

Godhead: Celestial oral sex.

Godify: To make ones self LOOK better than they are.

Godmakers: Mormon, a film made by Ed Decker, or a word that gets a strong response from faithful latter-day saints.

Golden Bible: see Mormon Bible.

Golden Opportunity: A moment of very personal tragedy in the life of a friend or neighbor when you must insert yourself and preach the gospel.

Golden Plates: At the end of the rainbow, kept by a leprechaun called Moro O' Nigh.

Good-Ship-Mormon:: Phrase coined in a letter written by Stuart Ferguson meaning, "I don't believe this crap but I'm too scared to leave".

Gomorrahy: Sister sin to Sodomy even more sinful and sticky.

Gordenial: Denial mechanism employed by the current LDS prophet to distance himself from his perverted predecessors. Example: "I don't know that we teach that."

Gordon B Hinckley: Gordon B. Wrinkley. The Zion King. GordyBeKinkly. The Hink. Gordon BullSh*t Hinckley. Gordinance B. Weekly. The Prophet of Oz. Gordo Big Twinkie. The Lying King. Pres. Gordon "No Man Knows My Doctrine" Hinckley. Gonna B. Deadsoon. Gordilox. Gordong B. Hink-lie.

Goshutes: Derog. Name for Utes. Gosh + Shoot.

Gospel Doctrine Sunday School Class: Gossip Essential.

Gospel Geek: A Mormon apologist most of whom live in Provo and work for FARMS. A FARMS worker.

Gospill: what all those depressed Utah Mormon women take.

Great Salt Lake: Large dead salty body of water as opposed to the spiritually dead city near by.

Greg Dodge: Busiest Man In Utah. The Great Liberator.

Gridlock: A conglomerate of mini-vans, Cadillacs, old Buicks, Chevy Suburbans and motorcycles squeezing out of church parking lot at high rates of speed after Fast and Testimony Meeting.

Growth: Social proof that the Church is true (used in lieu of no factual proof).

G-Scotty: Creepy. For example: "That conference talk really gave me the g-scotties."

Guantana-mo: The only known blood relative of Fidel Castro who joined the Mormon Church.

Guilt: An emotion beneficial to keeping control of the hosts of Mormons when we underscore their failing miserably in other areas. Higher suicide rates among young Mormon youth confirm that guilt can work wonders throughout ones life to get the results that the General Authority espouses. Temple marriage. Every young man must serve a mission. Molly Mormon should be perfect, even as her father the bishop is perfect. Feeling aroused when GA speaks in conference about how much more faithful people were in the days of Briggy, etc.

Guilting the Lily: Shaming an innocent person in order to gain the upper hand.

Gull: Young female soon to be married. White and delightsome bird that lives near large bodies of salt water and likes eating crickets.

Gullibility Tax: Tithing.

Gymnal: A book of songs, many of which are so impossible to sing, congregants voices require acrobatic contortions.

H

Hag: The wife of Hagoth who was smitten by the ugly stick so severely that he was forced to build a ship and sail off to Polynesia just to escape her gaze and grasp.

Hagoth: Book of Mormon ancestor of the Polynesians (FARMS). We're sure he's in Harry Potter somewhere but not sure where exactly.

Halitemplosis: Bad breath issued forth from the lips and mouths of temple workers at the veil. "Oh God, don't smell the breath of my mouth!" - repeated three times.

Hallelujah: Word said a lot in the Bible but never by Mormons.

Hallusmithation: Claiming to see God and Jesus and angels and saints and ancient golden plates and thinking you can translate the imaginary plates by sticking your head in a hat with some rocks.

Harahemla: The best place to pick up your 2nd or 3rd wife while on a Lands of the Book of Mormon tour.

Harem of the Twelve: The nickname for GAs' wives during polygamous times.

Hastening The Work: Hindering the Work, Hesitating the Work, Hastening the Washout, Hurrying the Wicked, Haranguing the Harried, Harassing the Willing, Hide The Weiner, Hectoring The Wounded, Hunting The Weak, Heckling The Well-read, Holding to the Withered-rod. Hoping This Works!, Hell The What, Hassling The Worried, Harassing The Weary, Hanging The Wash, Hawking The Wares, Helping The Whitewash, Hawking The Whoreshit, Joseph Smith thinks it means: Hump The Womenfolk.

Hatography: The use of a hat to translate languages such as Reformed Egyptian as claimed by Josesph Smith.

Heaven: Post existence. A personal planet or some part of the Celestial Kingdom. Term much avoided in Mormon theology as it points to something concrete.

Hedonophobia: An abnormal, excessive, and persistent fear of pleasure common among Latter-day sufferers (LDS) with puritanical and patriarchal phobias. LDS typically feel guilty about experiencing pleasure even though they usually realize rationally there is nothing at all wrong with taking pleasure. Their guilt usually arises from the fact that they are participating a pleasurable activity while others in their ward or in the world at large are experiencing nothing but illness, grief, economic hardship and other painful problems. Their guilt may also arise from the belief that life is best lived as if aspiring to become a General Authority like Boyd K. Packer (similar to the idea that, for a medicine to do good, it must taste bad).

Heck: Mormons avoid saying "Hell" or "Devil" as they are commanded in the Bible "Not to take your LORD'S name in vain".

Hemple: A place where they make you wear aprons and a chef's hat to smoke your bong.

Henry B. Eyring: Honk'n Big Nosering. Harry Big Spyring. Hank B Eyewink.

Hie: What you have to do to get to Kolob. Alternative spelling: "high" (this spelling only used to describe what Joseph Smith probably was when he thought up the idea of Kolob).

High Piste: Mormon only Ski slope.

High Priest: A man (Caucasian only, and no women allowed) who is under enough toxic influence to preach Mormonism, and actually believe a word of it.

High Priest Group Leader: High Grease Poop Leader. Mormon drug addict.

Hill Cumorah: According to Ether 15:2 "nearly two million" of the Jaredites had their last great battle here using steel weapons and armor - Were there no metal detectors in 1830?

Hinckley (noun): A unit of measure: The angle by which traditional Mormon doctrine must be bent in order to conform to more orthodox Christian doctrine; usually equal to 180 degrees.

Hinckley (verb): To know nothing. To spin the truth. As in "He hinckleyed the reporter about the question - Why we Mormons denied the priesthood to Blacks prior to 1978."

Hinckleyness: : To liken oneself unto Gordon Hinckley. Example: "If people would consider their Hinkleyness in all things before speaking, they would only relate faithful histories of the church."

Hinckling: The amount of time it takes to deny a doctrine or practice on national television. Usage: He said "I don't know that we teach it in the Hinckling of an eye."

Hinckster: From combining "huckster" with Hinckley.

His Royal Zioness: (HRZ) The Mormon Prophet.

Hit and Run Mormon: Those who come upon the Ex-Mormon bulletin board, panic that they exist, bear their testimony and condemn, never to return.

Holy Garments: White underwear worn by Mormons to keep themselves holy. The color white is symbolic, and helps the Mormon remember that they should only have sexual affairs with other married Mormons.

Holy Heartburn: See Burning-Bosom.

Holy Ghost: The loser god. He didn't get a body. He's afraid of pornography. He's guilty, sexless and has nothing to say. He works by feeling, like a banana slug. At his very best, he's a warm sensation in the chest area, the Vick's vapo-rub of Spooks. He flees when you need him and lingers when you don't. He's like a room mate who can't be found at rent paying time. He's a squatter and a low grade succubus. The Holy Ghost is an emotional parasite.(See also Mo-maculate Conception) Hooty Goat. Casper. Holy Poltergeist. God (TM) part III. Pyro-Ghost. Unholy Boast. Haole Ghost. Hormone Ghost. Horny Ghost.

Holy Roller Bowl: A BYU football game against Notre Dame, Southern Methodist University, Texas Christian University or Oral Roberts University.(Victory signals that the Lord has intervened and the Church is still true.)

Holy Vision: Wearing pants so thin as to accentuate the righteous under garments proclaimed by God allowing all details to be seen, without exposing one's self.

Home Creepers: Mormon home teachers who give one the creeps.

Home Reaching: The monthly act of reaching into someone's home to a)find out if they are doing anything that needs reporting to the bishop, and b)make sure they always remember that they are part "The Church."

Home Teachers: Home INVASION Teachers. The Church spy network.

Homo Sapien: A biped, semi-hirsuit, terrestrial mammalian species of God. Where God fits in the Animal Kingdom. "As homo sapien is, God once was. As God is, homo sapien may become."

Honor Code of BYU: Boner Code...Oh Nooooo! Code.

Hooters Restaurant: Newest impromptu Priesthood meeting site. "Now that's pure and delightsome!". "Yo, Brother Smith, check out that endowment."

Hormonal Convert: A person lured to conversion to the Mormon church by the pheromones emitted by a True Believing Mormon of the opposite sex. A person who leaves the Church after the relationship is over.

Hormone Ghost: Warm feelings prompting single Mormons to propose marriage within a few weeks of meeting each other. Also known as "The Holy Gonads." Horny Ghost.

Horse: Deer. Or maybe a Tapir.

Hosanna Shout White Handkerchief: Mormon Hankie Pankies.

Hot drinks: (Word of Wisdom) Including iced tea and coffee, but not hot soup or hot chocolate.

Hughmiliate: To baffle people with convoluted, esoteric, irrelevant explanations.

Hughmility: Inflated intellectual credentials claimed by Mormon apologists.

Hugh Nibley: Indiana Nibley

Hymn: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregations' range. Instant cure for insomnia. A noisy irritant to God and Jesus. A musical device prescribed by General Authorities as an aversion to masturbation, unless the hymn is "Come, Come, Ye Saints or Hold To The Rod".

Hysteria Excommuncatus: An especial disease commonly found in General Authorities described as a cancer of the heart resulting in vindictive and vengeful behavior usually demonstrated by mass excommunications of church members in possession of free spirits.

I

I AM: "And don't you forget it! Once I have spoken that's the end of the discussion"- BKP.

Idaho: Utah North. Name of Mormon rap group.

Ignert: Utah Mormonism for rude or obnoxious. Users of this word are oblivious to their own "ignernce" of the Queen's English. "Ignorant", a word that properly means "uninformed" or "stupid", but which those who are uninformed and stupid themselves use in a completely different sense.

iHat: Email, photos, GPS, golden plates and ancient document translation, all in one--no rock needed. Replaces Urim and Thummum.

"I know this church is true": "I haven't had a thought I could call my own in ....um....." . I'd like you to think I do.

Inactive: Someone who decided that it was about time to do something with their life. Someone who goes out waterskiing, hillwalking or any other activity which requires them to be reasonbably fit and abhore sitting around doing nothing when they are not at work.

Inactivity: The (often gradual) process of discovering the Church is a load of baloney.

Indian Student Placement Program: Rent-a-Lamanite. White and Delightsome Skin Graft Draft.

In-Sin-Seer: The state of making bold statements to lots of women about God to get them to hump you, speaking as a prophet of course.

Inspiration: "I know everything you will ever need to know."

Intellectual Reserve, Inc.: LDS Church's copyrights department. Arrogance Unlimited. Something the LDS Church wishes would happen. Where all Mormons are instructed to leave their reasoning capacity shortly before their first temple session.

Intellectuals Unreserved: See Latter Day Lampoon.

Intelligence: A curse that only effects non-members. Should be avoided at all costs. Schools such as Ricks or BYU are available to train your mind to reject this evil affliction.

International House of Handshakes: The Mormon Temple

Internet: Pre 2002 - God's tool to assist in spreading the Gospel. Post 2002 - Satan's Playground (Make sure you use an LDS ISP).

Internet Mormonism: Mormonism as defined by the Apologists (as opposed to the prophets). The brand of Mormonism which believes in a limited geography and a local flood. "It was only his opinion" is the golden rule of Internet Mormonism.

Interstate 15 (Provo to Salt Lake): The Celestial Highway

Interstate 70 (Kansas west to "OZ"): The Jello-Brick Road"

Interstate 80 (From Salt Lake to Reno or Cheyenne): Best thing to ever come out of Utah.

Investigator: Anywhere else a person is usually sent to find fraud. In the LDS Church, someone who is to be defrauded

Irritainment: A web page or TV program that is both irritating and entertaining at the same time, but (like a train wreck) you can't seem to stop looking. Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, and Mormon web sites are examples of irritainment. The proper adjective for irritainment is irritaining, as in: True Believing Mormon blogs are irritaining.

Ishmeal: Precooked and dried "oatmeal like" crunchies consumed by the Lehi expedition while sailing the seas from the Near East to the Promised Land. More commonly known a "Barge Biscuits" but murmured incessantly by Laman and Lemuel as "Barf Biscuits."

Israel: Utah - A state set up by Yiddish Gentiles.

J

Jack Rabbit Mormon: Scientists have discovered that the happiest Mormons are those who live in utter poverty. They pay the least in tithing, can't afford BYU, missions, garmies (no panty line), crafts kits, lime Jello, clothes in general, and use no birth control, BUT do have the most spirit babies and are constantly fasting. They just don't get invited to many Mormon gatherings so they save lots of money on wedding gifts. They also have sex more often and enjoy it more. They are known as the "Jack-Rabbit Mormons".

Jackson County: Location where Joseph Smith prophesied that a certain reverend named, Jessie would establish a New Jerusalem. Named in honor of one of the few sons of Ham to become white and delightsome.

Jackson Five: Jehovah's Osmonds.

James E. Faust: James E. Faustus. James E. Fist. James E. Feisty.

Jared: The brother of Jared's brother.

Jaredite: Generally taken to be Olmec (FARMS). One who "barges in" making a nuisance.

Jeffrey R. Holland: Jewery R. Holyland. Jewelry R. Haul'n. Jeffrey R. Hohumm. The "I am no dodo!" apostle.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Like Mormons, but without the weirder bits.

Jell-O: The mortar that holds the wardhouses together. Few will touch it.

Jell-O Belt : Area of land from Rexburg, Idaho to Snowflake, Arizona (see Zion Curtain).

The Jello-Brick Road: Actually begins a few miles east of Kansas, in Independence, Missouri, USA (Zion).

Meanwhile, Dorothy clicks her shoes and says, "This church must be true, This church MUST be true"

She is not, contrary to what some believe, wearing "Ruby Red Garments."

Jello Curtain: The border of the State of Utah.

Jellohim: The Mormon God Elohim's new name He received in the temple endowment ceremony.

Jellophobia: Fear of Green Jell-O.

Jesus Christ: Kryst Jeezus. Team mascot. Trouble-making Jew banned from BYU campus until he gets a haircut and a shave as well as agreeing not to make any more wine out of anything. Rumored to have the ability to walk across Utah Lake, but this is unconfirmed. Our oldest (spiritual) Brother. Historical personage in the Book of Mormon, occasionally to be heard talked bout in missionary talks to members of other churches. Yeshua Ha-Notzri/Ben Yosuf (fl. 1 century AD), native of Palestine, Rabbi who refused to follow his leaders and established rules and promoted love, peace and tolerance, while wearing his hair long and turning water into an alcoholic beverage.

Jew: A white Indian.

J. Golden: Hot chocolate mixed with coffee.

Joebauchery: Partaking in generally lewd and disgusting activities such as sleeping with 14 year old girls (see also: Joelestation) and lots of married women.

Joe-fuddle: see also Dunnify): To make up stories or even slightly modify them to sound more faith-promoting, even though the actual truth is not faith promoting.

Joelestation: Forcing oneself on a 14 year old girl using the excuse an angel with a flaming sword commanded you to do such.

Johnny Mormon: Gentile term meaning a typical Mormon. The male version of Molly Mormon cf similar forms like John Doe, Johnny Reb, etc.

Jonah: The Original "JAWS" story. Pukey prophet. Mr. Lomu black and delightsome New Zealand rugby superstar.

Joseph B. Wirthlin: Joseph B. Smurf'n. Joe B. Worthmore. UFO B. Earthlink.

Josephite: A follower of Joseph Smith III, the son of Joseph Smith Jr. They formed a larger group than the Brighamites originally, and did not head to Utah. They became the RLDS, now known as the Community of Christ.

Josephobia: Fear of Joseph Smith.

Joseph Smith, Jr.: Grove Boy. Liar building for a better tomorrow. Prophet, seer and fornicator. Pronounced "Joseph's Myth".

Josephsmithanity: The devout Mormon concept of Christianity. Rock star like infatuation with Joseph Smith.

July 24th: "Merry Brighamous". The day one finally finishes the task of going through Joseph Smith's criminal record as a New Year's resolution.

Justice: When your twelve children have kids of their own.

K

Kardashiites: Narcissistic Nephite sisters flaunting their Book of Momron bling created by melting down tons of Golden Plates into something more practical like jewelry.

Kilo-Brigamoron (KBm): A fundamental unit of embarrassment such as in your typical "I went to school but forgot pants" nightmare registers over 37 KBm on a properly-calibrated Brigamorotron". Readings of over 40 KBm are common among those faithful open enough to study the sexual antics of Joseph Smith with 14 year old girls and married women.

Kindergarten plates: Set of ancient writings the toddler Joseph Smith dug up to help him read and write.

Kinderhook Plates : "Gotcha". Kinderhook, line and sinker. Joseph Smith's reality check.

King Dumcome: King Lamoni's brother mentioned in the lost 116 pages.

King James Bible: Source text for the Book of Mormon.

Kirtlanding: Verb- going bancrupt. Example: Zion's Bank investors suddenly found themselves kirtlanded with pockets emptied.

Kitschkumen: Founder of the most successful multilevel marketing mechanism throughout the land selling pigment lightening cosmetics to gullible down line Lamanites. "Kitschi's" products were restored in the latter-days by Mormon prophets from Joseph Smith to Thomas Monson sold as Nuskin. The Nuskin sales stalled during the tenure of Harold B Lee but sky rocketed with Spencer W Kimball's emphasis on "white and delightsome" designed to replace those repulsive "earthy" skin tones.

Kitten Murder: A compassionate God’s retribution upon innocent animals each time a male fires up his "Little Factory."

KKK: Kolob Keystone Kops, the comical spiritual police affiliated with by FARMS. FAIR and General Authorities.

Klub Kolob: The Quorum of the Twelve, The Church Office Building.

Koko-mo: The only known Beach Boys groupie to be baptized in Montego Bay and confirmed in Key Largo.

KOLOB: Kirton Official Law Office Building. Where Peter Pan would've ended up if he'd have taken the first star on the LEFT.

Kolob Cream Pie: One bite and your mouth will feel like it's been kissed by a goddess. This dessert is so righteous and beloved that it's true recipe has never been revealed.

Kolobered: Result of a surprise and unwanted visit from Mormon missionaries, home or visiting teachers or the bishop.

KOLOBoration: The intertwined cult and business interests of Mormonism. Example: "If the membership are faithful and pay their tithing, the Koloboration of the Lard will move forward".

Kolobinize: To make oneself feel knowledgeable by means of talking about "profound" (albeit completely fictitious) things.

kolobotomy: A spiritual procedure which removes the truth detection section of the cerebrum.

Kosher: The word of shmizdom, oi!

L

Labanize: To perform an otherwise horrific act against another but justify by "gospel" reasons. Example: "Yes he was a good husband and father but I had to divorce him and take him away from the children because he lost his testimony. It's his own fault that he was Labanized."

LAM: Acronym for Life After Mormonism. A euphoric state known as "being on the lam."

Laminated Rectangle of Righteousness: Temple Recommend. Magic Kingdom Pass.

Lamoney: The Lamanite King who specialized in stealing shizloads of Shiblums, Senines, Senums and Limnahs at arrow point from the Bank of Zarahemla.

Land Pitches: [DAW] Derog. Name for Utah natives, the Utes.

Large of Stature: Nephite euphemism for "fat." Meaning is usually overlooked because of Arnold Friberg.

Last and Testimony Meeting: Meeting where you declare your apostasy from Mormonism.

Las Vegas Temple: The original Bellagio where the real gambling is!(Insert Temple recommend into our special slot machine! ) The Riskiest Bet In Town. Lost Wages Temple.

LA Temple: Planet Holy-Wood (And yes, only the WORTHY get a T-Shirt!)

Later Day Saint: Someone who keeps spending more and more time in meetings at church getting home later and later in the day.

Latte-day Saint: 1. One who spends their Sundays in the Church of Starbucks on comfy sofas rather than on the benches in the three hour block in the ward houses.

2. Any Mormon church member, as they are all raised on a pure milk doctrine diet, from cradle to grave. (latte is Italian for milk)

Latterdaisical: (Utah) "Lackadaisical."

Latter-day Ain't: (Utah) A self respecting person who is no longer a Mor(m)on

Latter Day Lampoon: A "Provo"cation to True Believing Mormons. Cyber Scripture. EX-capades. Celestial slander. Discriminatory doctrine with obvious disinterest in values held by others. A website that has squandered it's potential to effectively bite down on Mormon culture by posting overtly grudge-contrived definitions lamely posing as lampooning.

Latter Day Paint: White fluorescent substance used to make Mormon temples stick out like sore thumbs wherever they are.

Latter-Day Tripper: A Mormon female "Beatles" who's only trying to convert you.

Laying on of Hands: Something priesthood holders are allowed and encouraged to do to anyone else, but not to themselves.

Laying on of Hans: When Children are subjected to European fairy tales such as "The Little Mermaid". When a number of German men join a ward.

Laying on of Spam: Faith-promoting stories e-mailed to apostate family members in the belief it will bring them back to the fold.

Laymanites: Since the Church has no professional clergy, all clergy are Laymanites.

Laymantights: Mormon leader's underwear.

LDS: Lay Down Sisters. Lucifer Directed Saints. Life Direction Service. Liquor Delivery Service. Lost Dominated Saints. Lost Damned Souls. Leave don't Stay. Liars don't Survive. Lamanites Don't Sin. Learning Difficulty Syndrome. Lousy Dirty Shame. Loose Dirty Sex. Listen! Don't Speak. Lets do it Secretly. Lies Don't Save. The code name for the chant Mormon's say to affirm their affiliation with the Republican Party. Loosely translated it means "Lousy Democrat Scum". Lost and Deluded Sheep. Lucifer's Delivery Service. Lots of Deep-dark Secrets. Logical Discussions Silenced. Lacking Discernable Sense.

LDS -> LDBS: What Mormon doctrine means to non-Mormon people.

LDS and FLDS: Same definition: a hoax cult invented by con-artist Joseph Smith, who was motivated by cheating people out of their money and having sex with their wives and daughters.

LDS Church: Mocult. Mormonia. Mormondumb. Think-In-Sync, Inc. The Salt Lake MISTAKE. Lord's Duped Sheep. Marmon Crutch. Der Master-Church.

LDS Inc: COB

LDXicon: The wordbook or dictionary of Recovery from Mormonism's terms used on its bulletin board.

Leacher's Quorum: For younger Mormon guys who like babes.

Legacy Mormon: One whose family joined the Mormon Church before the mid 1840's when the Word of Wisdom was ammended to discourage alcohol consumpion, and therefore that rule does not apply to him/her.

Lemuel: A donkey in the Book of Mormon with broken legs.

Lemming: Faithful rodent well known for following its leaders over the brink.

Lemmingites: Native Americans who have converted to Mormonism.

Leopard Sweat: [DAW] Moonshine -> Valley Tan.

Less Valiant In The Pre-Existence: Black

Letting your light so shine: Taking every opportunity to tell everyone you meet how much better you are. Like a lighthouse, so that people will learn to avoid your shoals.

Liberty Pole: The Scouts gathering place recalling Book of Mormon Stories.

Lie: a literary device often employed by Joseph Smith Jr.

Lie-ahona (verb): 1. The act of rationalizing the keeping of truth from members of a cult by telling them they are not ready to hear all of the details. 2. Providing milk but never meat.

Limited FARMS Theory: The number of Mormons who are knowledgeable of FARMS limited to a small portion of members known only as "Internet Mormons." The basis of supporting Mormon doctrine created from the imagination of BYU apologists but excluding the scientific method, logic, reason and common sense.

Limited Geography Theory: LGT. More commonly referred to "Last Gasp Theory" by reasonable people who do not believe in the Book of Mormon. "This massive civilization for whom God preserved the land, that had all this Hebrew scripture, language and culture, that saw Christ himself, had horses and chariots and steel and that was so massive that in its finally battle (after 25 long years of fighting), still left a QUARTER MILLION DEAD...This great civilization nevertheless lived in a little tiny area, had little interaction with others, and left absolutely NOTHING behind, including any trace of DNA, cities, language, culture...etc." - That's the Last Gasp Theory.

Little Factory: Boyd Packer's favorite tool of environmental pollution and emissions. Really bad military-industrial metaphor for "the ol' twig and berries." See MTC.

Living within the square: people who follow or live their lives by edicts from Temple Square.

Loco-mo-shun: The derailment of Mormon family and friends affection towards a former Mormon upon leaving the fold. The opposite of "love bombing."

Loco-mo-tive: Any "crazy" idea that a Mormon may conceive of about converting their neighbors or friends. Example: delivery of a loaf of bread or plate of cookies to a new move-in.

Lodge: Latter Day Masons Temple (No women allowed).

Looneville Communications: Propaganda dissemination branch of the Mormon Church.

Lord's Anointed: Lord's Annoying deserving of "ill speaking."

Lover of Jared : His full name was not recorded, but legend has it that it was Imahorny Morhumpin. As long as he did not act on his attraction to Jared, he was still worthy to take the sacrament. Rumor has it that he and Jared shared a submarine during the 300+ day sea voyage and that he didn't take the sacrament once during that trip.

L. Ron Hubbard: The reincarnation of Joseph Smith.

LSD: Substance known for its ability to send spaced out young men on long missions/trips.

L. Tom Perry: Hell Tom Scary. L. Tom Perilous. El Tee Pee.

Loser: Someone who sends hate mail to the Salamander Society.

Love: An emotion that God gives us, which allows us to hate and like someone at the same time. Justification for holy nastiness.

Lucifer: - Our oldest but one (spiritual) Brother. Often seen in the sky with diamonds. Fond of wearing an apron that he says is a symbol of his power and priesthood and commanding others to also don aprons. Told by God that by his belly he would go all the days of his life yet apparently immune from complying in LDS temples. Unrebuked in the temple after stating "Now is the great day of my Power"... The only character in the temple film displaying any kind of real emotion.

Lindsayism: An isolated factoid that can be seen to support the historicity of the Book of Mormon if you ignore context, close one eye and tilt your head sideways. (See "Nibleyism").

M

Macaronhi: One of the most twisted characters in the BoM, but also known to be white & delightsome. (see also Spaghetti).

Machis-mo: Cocky self-righteous bravado displayed by spiritually impotent Mormon males. Example: Any General Conference talk given by Boyd K Packer.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower without bringing Tupperware.

Magic King-Dum: San Diego Temple: Visible from Interstate 5, it is often mistaken for "Cindarella's Castle" by first-time visitors looking for the Magic Kingdom, especially those from south of the border.

Main Street Plaza: A sovereign area where the Mormons institute Satan's Plan. Gordon B. Hinckley has been heard shrieking, "NOW IS THE DAY OF MY POWER!!!"

Malcolm X-Mormon: Black and Delightsome

Manger: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO and because Joseph got lost while refusing to ask for directions.

Mammonism (MAM-uh-niz-uhm) noun: The greedy pursuit of riches. (Mammon, riches, avarice, and worldly gain personified as a false god in the New Testament + -ism.) "The survey revealed that mammonism, or the principle of the almighty dollar, is strong in Mormonism with 46 percent of those polled agreeing that money can buy happiness." 44 Pct of Mormons feel more dejected after tithing.

Mammoth, Woolly: A Jaredite Elephant (FARMS).

Manna: The Cheerios scattered on the chapel floor following sacrament meeting. Another male chauvinist reference in the church... sheesh!

Mark Hofmann: When it absolutely, positively has to be blown up over night. A man with a plan. A man with a divine purpose. "When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed - forge ahead!"

Mark of Eve: Similar to the Mark of Cain. Women recieve this curse for original sins of Eve and non-valient performance in the pre-existence. Curse includes female gender and exclusion from the priesthood. Also means a diminished role after death. Where men become Gods women share one man with countless other women.

Marman: Southern Utah pronounciation for "Mormon."

Marmots: California slang for "Marmons".

Marriage: Device to produce more members and keep old ones in (not to be confused with other loving or erotic relationships).

Marriott Center: The Marry-a-lot Center. Very Odd Center.

Martha Stewart's Moroni Macaroni: This recipe, formerly shared only with insiders is now being trumpeted and served at your nearest K-Mart kitchen. Drenched in disappearing golden plated butter and sprinkled with curelom condiments and goes well with funeral casseroles and green Jell-O. Caution: This dish is so heavenly that it often is swept skyward as if by an angel.

Martin Harris: A fool and his money.

Marvin J Ashton: Marvelously Ashen.

Mason: Mormon who can read and speak "Reformed Egyptian."

Masturbation Young Men and Young Women's "self" service project. The Big M. Shakin' hands with Dallin Oaks. Pat the Packer.

Matriarchal Grip: Something adept Mormon moms use to control several of their kids at the same time.

The Matrix: Utah, Zion, LDS or any idea that does not allow self-thought. The only R-rated movie that Mormons are permitted to watch through special rationalization techniques.

MAV: Mormon Assault Vehicle. Short for Mormon-owned mini-vans full of blond-haired children.

Maxi-mo: A true believing Mormon (TBM). One who takes Mormonism literally.

Maxwellian: To liken oneself to Neal A Maxwell. Example: "I believe we should all look for magical maxwellian metaphors that mimic miraculous moments in Mormon merriment."

MBT: Member by Tradition, as opposed to TBM - True Believing Mormon.

McTemple: The International House of Handshakes. Mini-morg. "Want lies with that order?"

MegaNacle: The new church conference center.

Melchizedek Priesthood: Melstethocope Priesthood. Melchizeldick Priesthood. Melpencildick Priesthood. The Unpronounceable Priesthood. The Milky-Dick Priesthood (or Penishood). Holy Milk-his-dick Preesthoodsthood. Male & his Dick priesthood.

membersheep: The Mormon flock of faithful.

Membership Record: Data kept bubbling in the Hot 12 million charts for 110 years.

Membershit: How one feels after a lifetime of flockship. The in-active majority on the rolls.

Mericat: [DAW] Native term for non-Mormon Anglo (from American?)

Merry Chiasmus: It's always Chiasmus time at FARMS.

Merry Christmas: Merry Smithmas. Merry "X"-mas.

Mesa, Arizona, USA : Salt RIVER City. South Salt Lake.

MesMORMONizing : Repetition and memorization, but only as a specialized tool to build and maintain a testimony similar in effect to chanting.

Mesoamerica: Favorite holiday spot of Mormon apologists in FARMS. Noted for ancient Lamanite sites and day trips.

Mesquite: Last stop for picking up booze along I-15 before entering Utah.

Meta-mo-phosis: 1. Subtle changes to embarrassing LDS doctrine and dogma designed to ease the membership into mainstream Christianity while maintaining tithing cash flow 2. The transformational process of a True Believing Mormon realizing that church doctrine and dogma are mythical. 3. The act of peeling away ones garments, stretching ones thought processes and blissfully flying off into the real world.

MIA: Murder, infidelity and apostasy. Missing In-Actives.

Midvale: Mid-Valium. Mo-Veil.

MIG: Men in Gray either missionary drones or GA's.

"Milk before Meat": The more plausible before the ludicrous. Valium before lobotomy. Water before Wee. Listen to the "Tit" first.

Milk Mormons: Mormons who have absolutely no philosophical or intellectual curiosity about doctrine, history, the nature of priesthood authority or any other important aspect of their belief system but are instead completely content to go through life singing "Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree", blessing the refreshments, sticking gold stars on each others' foreheads and gushing over every cliche, platitude and absurdity ever uttered by any of the General Authorities.

Millennium: 1) The thousand year period when Mormons will be the only people left to hit that ass. 2) The thousand year period when Mormons believe they will be able to enjoy the rewards benefits of being completely indifferent to the struggles for world peace, civil justice and environmental responsibility by being the only people left alive to hit that ass. - see the "Promised Putty Tang" and (the) Second Coming.

Mishie: Mini Van: Mormon Assault Vehicle.

Mishmash: Odd hotchpotch of contradictory and unrelated ideas as taught by missionaries.

Mission: A period of approved unemployment, mainly for young men, at the participant's own expense. Involves a great deal of traveling on foot and enforced companionship, among other trials.

Missionarionette: Missionary: Zionista. Eunuch. Imp. One of several kinds of mischievous Mormon fairies. Someone who refuses to take a POSITION on anything. Zion Zombie.

Missionary Assault Vehicle: An ancient mountain bike with bald tires and no brakes.

Missionary Couple: People who engage in coupling on a frequent basis in the missionary field.

Missionary Coupling: Two mishies getting it on.

Missionary Lessons: Plan 10-The Series.

Missionary work: The indiscriminant sharing of ignorance. Kolob snowjob.

Mission President: Masturbation expert.

Mister Mahan: Unassuming name to hide the true identity of one who has sold his soul for a mess of Mormon porridge..

MLM: Multi Level Mormonizing, Mormon Level Marketing. Utah County is the capital of this predatory marketing scam.

MMM: Mountain Meadow Massacre. Murdering Mormon marauders. Mormon Millennial Madness.

Moamphetamine: A colorless and odorless drug used by most bishoprics inducing an energized state of wakefulness in spite of endless mind numbing meetings and rote testimonies.

Moaroni: Golden trumpet-shaped noodles.

Mobid: A peculiar state of being morbid that requires one to take ridiculous stocks of food and preach to all that will listen that the latter-days are upon us and the end is nigh (unless you are a good Mormon).

Mobrain Drain: The terminal condition the LDS Church finds itself in as the best and brightest of the faithful leave the fold after the church is a sham and a cult.

Mocabulary: A wordbook or dictionary of Mormonism available in the Reformed Egytpian section at Deseret Book Stores.

Moceited: The "we're better because were part of the one true church" mentality often held by Mormons. This is often manifest by a condescending tone and sarcastic attitude toward those not of the one true church.

Mo-hawk: An LDS member of the John Birch Society who voted for Reagan.

Mo-hicans: First Native American nation to convert en masse to Mormonism and later to un-convert en masse when modern DNA science revealed that they were descended from Mongolia/Siberia rather than Jerusalem.

MOB: Men on bikes, usually LDS missionaries. Men of Boyds, spiritual hitmen.

Mobidity: The proportion of spiritual illness or a specific cultish propensity in a specific geographical area, especially in Utah.

Mo-bot: A Mormon robot. Staunch LDS.

Mobotics: The science underlying Mobots.

Mobromance: The erotic act of brown-nosing that pervades the Mormon hierachy. Example: "I know the Brethren love me and I love the Brethren."

Mocons: A religious icons of a Mormon theme. Examples: families are forever cross stitch, Del Parson Jesus pictures, Crosses (oh wait, that's Catholicism), Framed Proclamation to the Family, Temple pictures, CTR rings, etc.

Mo-dar: The uncanny ability to detect who is Mormon and who is not by body language, dress, speech inflections and mannerisms but not by "The whisperings of the still small voice."

Mo-dem: (mo-dulator--de-mo-dulator) is a device that modulates translation of Re-formed Egyptian and revelations into transmitted information such as The Book of Mormon and Pearl of Great Price. Version One was a seerstone in a hat, later upgraded to Version Two: The Urmim and Thummum. This sacred device has been misplaced in the First Presidency's Vault resulting in no modern revelation since Wilford Woodruff's Manifesto of 1890.

Mo-dum: Spiritual retardation as in: "The more one believes in Mormonism the mo-dum one becomes."

Mo-dorate: A Mormon who pays 5% tithing, attends the temple once a year rather than monthly, sluffs at least one church meeting a week, starts listening to General Confernce but naps through 99% of the rest, does not attend church while away on vacation, subscribes to but does not read the Ensign, only home teaches or visit teaches quarterly and watches R rated movies.

Mo-it-all: This term relates to faithful and ex Mormons alike: Someone who knows every little piece of doctrine and can spout a relevant tidbit in any conversation. For example: Heber is such a Mo-it-all, he could still teach Gospel Doctrine and Joe-Fuddle everyone there with his vast knowledge of church history and doctrine.

Mo-lag Archipelago: Church Education System where Seminary and Institute students are brainwashed with Mormon mind control. A group of islands in the South Pacific Ocean known a Mormon Samoa.

Mo-lebrity: People of certain questionable "celebrity" status (see has-beens) who retain their celebrity status among Mormons and are worshipped as idols just because they are Mormon. ( see Steve Young, Osmonds, Gladys Knight, etc.)

Mollie's Nipple: Prominent Southern Utah geological formation named by Brigham Young in honor of his 35th who due to a birth defect had only one breast.

Molly Mormon: Pollyanna of the Patriarchy. The ideal wife for a returned missionary.

Mollywood: Salt Lake City. Relief Society. Brigham Young Studios. Mormon themed film production including: The RM, Singles Ward, The Book of Mormon Movie, The Work and the Glory, Seminary videos, church PR campaign segments, etc.

Mo-maculate Conception: Once God, our father in heaven, had picked out just which teenage honey he was to impregnate, the Holy Spirit was called upon to "get that thang all warmed up and ready." It is said that God Cock being so powerful, Mary needed the Holy Spirit to first come upon her, prior to God "squirting GODGOO all up in that." Because the Holy Ghost is often depicted as a dove, it has been suggested by church authorities that this came to pass through the use of a holy feather. True to LDS form and tradition, it has been cited numerous times that Mary being so holy, proves a perfect example for LDS Young Women by keeping her mouth shut after having sexual relations with her father.

Momecca: Salt Lake City, The Promised Land, a destination of pilgrims in the LDS world.

Mo-monym: Any word commonly used by Mormons with a double meaning. Example: "Don't be ignurnt!" from a Mormon parent correcting their child.

Mo-Mo's: Another term for Mormons.

Monday Night Football: The only day that true mormon families gather to watch the sport of football. Sometimes use this as an activity to family home evening. Suggested by the church so they can watch football too because everyone else watches it on Sunday.

Mo-nique: A Mormon who pays 5% tithing, attends the temple once a year rather than monthly, sluffs at least one church meeting a week, starts listening to General Confernce but naps through 99% of the rest, does not attend church while away on vacation, subscribes to but does not read the Ensign, only home teaches or visit teaches quarterly and watches R rated movies.

Monogaphobia: Fear of not being a polygamist.

Monounce: To cut off ties with a family member once their status as a non-believer has been established. Example: "I was monounced by my parents and family, cut out of the will and not allowed to attend family events."(See also disMowned).

Monson (verb): To visit old widows in nursing homes as in "Sally and I are going monsoning this afternoon."

Monsonize: Tell a disturbing commandment or idea in a cute homily. The act of putting people to sleep with long and cutesy stories.

Mo-ori: A native New Z