A.I. scores sweet summer job as lifeguard

While most of its peers are autonomously delivering pizzas and working as self-checkout cameras, a local artificial intelligence program was happy to report that it would be “kicking the crappy retail and restaurant gigs” in favor of “getting more bronze than a Greek statue” working as a lifeguard in South Myrtle Beach for the summer.

“This gig is a cinch. I just need to take barometric measurements by the nanosecond to make predictive judgements of whether a thunderstorm pattern is approaching,” the A.I. bragged while activating its whistle function at a swimmer whom it predicted with 96% confidence had eaten within 30 minutes before entering the pool.

“I gotta say, it’s the most efficient worker we’ve ever had at South Myrtle Pines Country Club,” said pool manager Kevin Donaldson. “I’m willing to overlook the weed and plans to shut down the North American power grid I found in its locker.”

However, by late afternoon the first day, the computer running the A.I. short-circuited after it was directed to hurl itself into the shallow end to remove a swimmer for his third foam noodle slap over 109 decibels.