Recently, USA Today ran an article about the laughably depressing things job seekers are saying (and doing) during job interviews.

That, and a recent survey of HR managers that found that 50% believe today’s young job seekers are not presenting themselves well in their interviews, made me think that with a little bit of hard work and dedication we can get that number up to 70% or 80%.

So today I’d like to share with you 7 sentences that will guarantee you are never burdened with the headache of stable employment. Every one of them was uttered in an actual interview by an actual, live person. That’s important for you to know, because comedy is way easier when you don’t have to make anything up.

1) “How long before I become vice president?”

Congratulations! You haven’t even started the job and you’re already wondering when you can stop doing it. This is the equivalent of a junior high basketball player wondering when they’ll start for an NBA team.

2) “I might have had a couple drinks before I came here today.”

Nothing takes the edge off a job interview quite like being too drunk to remember what job you’ve applied for and why you’re here. Next time, to really impress, try un-prescribed opioids.

3) “My last boss was a jerk.”

As your potential employer, I am extremely excited to hear that you’ll badmouth everyone you’ve ever worked with at the earliest opportunity. That’s exactly the kind of team spirit I’m looking for. Which means I assume you won’t mind when I tell people how hilariously awful you were in the interview.

4) “I’m assuming you haven’t seen my Facebook page.”

Why no I haven’t – but I’ll be sure to go look it up now! I can’t wait to see the kind of debauched pictures you are aware of yet chose not to take them down.

5) “Can I bring my dog to work?”

We’d like you to think of this more like a home than a place of productive employment. So please also feel free to throw dirty laundry around your office and take showers in the bathroom sinks. And we’ll all look forward to the 90 minutes a day you spend walking your dog – or, if we’re lucky, the smell of what will happen if you don’t.

6) “How much vacation time will I get?”

This actually is a fine question for the follow-up interview, or whenever it is that you’re moving from ‘job interview’ to ‘negotiating a job offer’. If you’re not at that stage yet, see response #1.

7) “I heard there are a lot of single people here.”

This is a perfect statement if your research shows your potential employer does not have enough sexual harassment lawsuits to deal with at the moment. I’m not sure you can make the hiring more uncomfortable, unless you follow with, “Are you single?”

So there you go, folks. If you’d like to see a few more delightful ways to ruin your job prospects, watch these videos to discover even more real examples of things interviewees have said. Enjoy!

How To Fail A Job Interview Part 1

How To Fail A Job Interview Part 2

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About the Author: Jeff Havens is a corporate speaker and trainer who helps people succeed at leadership, communication, professional development and more by telling them exactly what not to do. He shares his unique blend of comedy and content at JeffHavens.com. Follow Jeff on Twitter!