Now that I am clear headed, I do not send text messages I regret anymore. I do not forget I have called 13 times in an hour, and call again… You know what I’m talking about, waking with a headache, and a queasy feeling you’ve done something off-kilter. Looking at your phone (on the floor by the door) as if you’ve woken to find a live hand grenade on the carpet. Oh God…. What did I do?

It was bad enough when you slurred into an answering machine or allowed the object of your affection to say, “Please stop calling.” With the advent of the text message, drunkards are free to make fools of themselves late at night, unchecked. And like the gift that keeps on giving – the recipient (who has not slept well for all the pinging notifications that texts are coming in) reads the messages by the cold light of day…

Aren’t you happy you don’t do that anymore?

The Art of Drunk Dialing/Texting

Drunk dialing falls into a few categories that could all be put under the heading, “THINGS NOT TO DO WITH A SMART PHONE”.

There are:

false protestations of love;

the horrifying true declarations of affection (met, no doubt, with a “Huh? Who is this?” on the other end of the wire);

the “cute” photographs of you draped over the laps of other drunk people you do not know;

the tell me I didn’t actually call 25 times;

the verbal parry – you’ll definitely be there, and the ever increasing, angry responses that you are still not;

the receipts for the things you purchased, you did not particularly want (like 5 pizzas or an English Bulldog puppy);

the why don’t you love me?;

and the ever popular poison pen…

I have sent all these messages with the implement that becomes a DUMB PHONE in my paw after 12 house, white wines…

There is an AP called Drunk Mode to save you from yourself. It locks your phone from calling, texting or sending photos to certain people on your contact list for up to 12 hours. It’s a great idea, but I don’t know anyone who uses it… Because no one goes off to the bars expecting to become a pathetic, idiot. And when you need to turn on Drunk Mode, you are already too messed up to think you are going to do anything wrong…

I don’t mean to sound like a prig, but where’s the AP that tells you to put down that drink and get an Uber home?