Last Tuesday I visited the Seattle Aquarium and I’m here to tell you that the place is straight up princess tits. And I mean that in the best possible way. Here are a few of the highlights in the order in which you will likely encounter them.

Big Ass Glass Fish Wall!

Apparently you can get married in front of it. In case you have a severe Little Mermaid complex.

Officially, this exhibit is called ‘Window on Washington Waters,’ but it might as well be called ‘Hold On To Your Dick and Check This Shit Out.’ Seriously, it’s that spectacular. This 120,000 gallon tank features a 20×40 foot wall of glass, allowing visitors uninterrupted views of an exquisitely reconstructed marine habitat modeled after Neah Bay at Washington’s northwest tip. And guys, there are LING COD in this bitch. And that’s not all! I’m talkin’ salmon. I’m talkin’ rockfish. I’m talkin’ eels and anemones and urchins galore. The Aquarium claims this mother holds more than 800 critters, and folks I believe it cuz the shit is stacked. To gaze upon it’s myriad wonders is akin to the overwhelming awe a diver might experience while sinking into the icy grandeur of the sea itself. I mean holy shit. It’s so freakin’ cool it makes me wanna rip my own balls off.

Officially Condoned Sea Animal Harassment!

This kid knows what I’m talkin’ about.

That’s right: poke some salty bitches with your mother fuckin’ fingers. This exhibit features a series of beautifully recreated tide pools complete with simulated wave action. Study the intricate tentacles of a gently waving anemone, then jam your greasy finger right up in that bastards shit and watch it freak the fuck out. Observe the frantic scuttling of a hermit crab as you repeatedly push it over and then laugh. It’s fun! Wanna rub something long and thick? Sea Cucumbers! You can stroke ’em! They feel really weird! Best of all, there are plenty of volunteer naturalists on hand to explain that, despite the name, a sea star is not celestial in origin, and then remind you that it’s frowned upon to touch the animals with your face. Go here and do this!

Oceanic Freak Show!

Whaaaaaaaat?

Sadly, the human freak show has all but vanished from the American landscape, but the aquarium has brought back a small taste of that special joy one only finds while ogling nature’s mistakes. The aptly named ‘Ocean Oddities’ exhibit features sea freaks of many stripes. From seahorses – where the dudes give birth – to cowfish, who’s hideous visage will make you weep with laughter and pity and shock. The main attraction though, has got to be the cuttlefish. Looking at cuttlefish is kind of like staring at squid just as you’re peaking on a really heavy mushroom trip.

In this case, nature has not made a mistake. Nature has dropped acid and played with water colors while listening to Pink Floyd. It is awesome. These fuckers change color ALL THE TIME. Seriously. They pulse like a light show at a Phish concert, so much so that people with epilepsy might wish to avoid prolonged exposure. They also CHANGE SHAPE. Yep. They start smooth, then they get spiky, then they get hairy, then they get smooth again. All within a few seconds. It’s mesmerizing. When we first arrived at the exhibit some dude was camped out in front of the tank, just completely Bogarting the cuttlefish. I hated him and wrote him off as a tree-humping bum-tumbler. But then we came back later and I got to stare at the cuttlefish myself, and I totally sympathize with the guy. I could have watched all day. If the aquarium allowed pizza delivery and drug cigarettes I might still be there now. NOTE TO THE AQUARIUM – Get like 25 more tanks of just cuttlefish. And maybe some bean bag chairs.

Two Distinct Varieties of Otters!

Ridiculous. I mean just….just ridiculous.

If you don’t think otters are cute you are either a serial rapist of a perpetrator of genocide. Or at least you admire people who fit into those categories. Otters are unbe-fucking-lievably cute, and the Seattle Aquarium houses two kinds. TWO! Both river and sea! We arrived at the sea otter tank just in time to catch the tail end of their lunch hour clam feast, and found little chunder-fucks in very high spirits. They tussle, they swim, they paddle around on their backs and eat things off of their bellies. It’s almost shockingly adorable, and if you don’t smile and laugh and wish you could pet them then you are a soulless automaton with nothing left to live for. Seriously. If you don’t like sea otters just give up now and move to a Russian ghetto. Sadly, you can’t go in the tank because apparently they’re vicious, unpredictable little assholes. At least that’s what the aquarium guy said when we asked about it.

River otters also exude cuteness at near lethal levels. When we arrived at their exhibit they were curled up together right by the glass just snoozing. They were barely moving, and I still almost crapped my pants from cuteness. Honestly, they are so adorable that when I finally tore my eyes from their ludicrous adorability and looked at the girl I had brought to the aquarium, I nearly punched her straight in the face. That’s how fucking cute they are. If I had a pair I would name them Pants-off and Dance-off and we would romp through the forest together getting into trouble and solving mysteries. I want them so badly.

Honorable Mentions:

First off, Giant Pacific Octopus. “Kevin, you miserable cock-trauma,” you might well be thinking, “how could a giant octopus possibly not be included as a highlight?” I hear you. I mean, if ‘giant octopus’ is even 1/100th as cool as it sounds, it should top this list right? Let me explain. During my visit the octopus had only been there about a week, and she spent the whole time curled up in a corner of the tank where she could barely be seen. Maybe when she settles in and is out and about more she’ll gain a higher position, but for now I leave her here in the hopes that she will one day become a more sociable, more confident cephalopod.

Next, harbor seals. Seals have spots and big black eyes and their noses open and close seemingly of their own accord. These seals would easily make the highlight reel were they not overshadowed by the sea otters housed right next door. They’re like the second prettiest girl in the senior class. Sure, she’ll get a few votes for Prom Queen, but she’s not the one the boys are thinking about in the shower.

And then there’s the Underwater Dome. It hasn’t changed since I was a little kid, but it has enormous sturgeon and some largish sharks and is still pretty cool. I mean, c’mon. It’s a fucking underwater dome. Does it look a little dated compared to some of the newer exhibits? Sure. But, much like Helen Mirren, it’s sill absolutely lovely to behold and has lots to offer. Don’t miss out.

Still Fantastic.