There has been a discussion going on trying to figure out why the ladies at fMh would stay in the Church, even when they recognize that they have an older brother (the Quorum of the 12), who is abusive. And there’s even rape culture. Or maybe the question actually was why we believe the Church is true, while we think there is also rape culture? Gah, it’s so complicated! Why would we stay active members in the Church? Why would we believe in something to be good, while saying there is so much bad. Has feminism pushed us over the edge of reason into the abyss of crazy talk?

They asked for an explanation fit for a 5-year old. I’ll try. But the 5-year olds I know are really bright, so I hope those who originally posted the question can keep up with my reasoning (or crazy talk – who knows?).

Let’s run with the abuse analogy someone brought up in that discussion, where you’re the 8-year old sister, whose parents have left on vacation and left the 14-year old brother in charge. And the older brother is a jerk. Even abusive. Yet, the sister ignorantly stays in that abusive situation. (Read the discussion thread I linked to, to get the full picture).

Or something like that…

Here’s what I see. I see an 8-year old girl, who at the moment is too young to understand the situation completely. She’s too young to change anything, because she’s dependent on someone to take care of her – in this case jerky and abusive older brother. But one day, the younger sister grows up. With her increased maturity, she is starting to see the problems in her family. She realizes it’s odd that her parents only talk to her brother and leave him in charge of everything. It makes her wonder how her parents feel about her, and she decides to call them. After a long, heartfelt chat with her parents, she finds out that the parents always wanted to talk to her, and that the brother simply did not pass the phone to her as he was told to do. Sometimes the parents tried to call and hoped she’d answer the phone, but at that point the younger sister didn’t know she could answer the phone. So she never did.

Now the sister knows that her parents love her just as much as her brother and that they have always wanted to talk to her. She knows they would have trusted her with decisions for the family as well, but they couldn’t reach her. With this new knowledge ( and many conversations with her therapist Lisa B. who assured her that she does not have Stockholm Syndrome) the sister now also understands the problematic behavior of her brother. It becomes very clear that he has been abusive and wrong. Yet, the sister also remembers that the brother learned some of his behaviors from others around him. He does not always understand himself how bad and abusive his behavior is. He always thought he was acting in the best interest of his sister. Further, she remembers several instances where the brother was not abusive, but good to her. There were fun movie nights with pop corn, and giggles as they jumped on the trampoline, or played hide-and-seek, or where her older brother showed her how to fix her bike. There were good moments, too. None of the good things make the bad behaviors of the older brother acceptable. He should have known better. But it helps the younger sister to see her brother more nuanced, and in the complexity that makes up all humans.

The young sister is a mature person now, and she knows she cannot tolerate the abusive behaviors. She respects herself, and knows she can make her own decisions. She does not need the guidance and approval of her brother. She doesn’t need him to tell her what her parents want, because she has her parents’ phone number and her own cell phone. She’s free and independent. For a while, as she worked on understanding her family dynamics, and her own thoughts, feelings and desires, she avoided her brother altogether.

But with time she has gained some necessary distance to her family and confidence in her ability to set boundaries. She has other brothers and sisters in the family, whom she dearly loves and whose relationships she values, and has missed. Some of them still live with the older brother, and they have not really understood yet how manipulative and abusive he can be. So, the sister decides to keep coming to all the family reunions. She decides to keep coming to any family events, and all family dinners. She does this not out of ignorance towards her brother’s behaviors, but because she’s no longer afraid of her brother. She will not give him power by controlling her life choices and family relationships by staying away from her family. She will see whom she wants to see (her siblings in this case). She will go where she wants to go. Her life is not dependent on the brother in any shape or form.

This also doesn’t mean that she will never talk to the brother again. At family gatherings, she will speak to him just like any person. She will listen to him just like to any person. But when he is becoming manipulative or abusive again, she will immediately put her foot down, and not have her boundaries violated. She will tell him what she thinks of his comments, and walk away as necessary. Even better, she may make him leave instead. Or ignore him completely because that’s what he deserves. If he shares something insightful, or uplifting, however, she will acknowledge that just as she does with any person. Mostly though, she just tries to be there for her other siblings, and tries to build them up and fortify them as best she can against the bad behaviors of her brother. Her siblings often seem to only see the good parts, that the sister also saw, and can’t recognize the bad parts. Sometimes that’s very frustrating for the sister, but she understands that her siblings are still young, and that it often takes more maturity to understand these complex behaviors. Additionally, she understands that everyone experiences these relationships differently, and that her siblings’ relationship with the brother may be different from hers, and possibly even a good one.

As the years pass on, the family dynamics change. Some of the siblings do not want a relationship with any family members at all. They were so hurt when they realized what their older brother did, that they could not be around their family anymore. The sister realizes as well that there are many families, such as her in-laws, who seem much happier and healthier than her family. Yet, this is her family, and her in-laws, nice as they are, have their own set of problems. She feels that family is not always perfect, but it’s family and they understand and know her in ways others do not. She also tries to work with her brother on some of his behaviors. Over time, there have been small improvements, but at large, a lot stays the same. It makes the sister sad to see her brother like that. She knows he has a good heart deep down, but he seems unable to unlearn some of the bad and abusive behaviors he’s engaged in for so long. Still, he is not just his abusive behaviors, and the sister can respect that. She is ok with the problems within the family, because she knows her life, her choices, her relationships do not have to be defined by that.

And so, the sister lives her life, confident and empowered, yet able to embrace her family, and engage with her family, and even the abusive brother. Because she knows she is strong, and can stand up for herself, and set boundaries. She knows her brother does not have any connections or powers that she doesn’t have. She knows who her brother is – a mix of good behaviors and bad behaviors. But mostly, she knows she is free to walk her own path. And that freedom allows her to choose to stay connected to her family or keep her distance as she sees fit.

What are your thoughts on why you choose to stay engaged in Church, or choose to walk away? What is your story?