MANCHESTER, UK—Alexis Sanchez’s long awaited move to Manchester United is just “minutes away” from being completed according to a 3 day old press report in The Sun.

The alleged news article details the minor issues holding up the move and say the transfer will definitely be completed “by tonight” or 3 nights ago to be more specific.

The Chilean, who according to differing reports has already agreed personal terms with the Red Devils, signed for Manchester City and signed a new contract at Arsenal, is relieved to finally be close to an announcement.

“I’ve been refreshing the Man Utd subreddit for 72 hours and still nothing,” a visibly upset Sanchez revealed. “I can’t believe it’s taken this long.”

The breaking news is corroborated by similar reports in The Express, The Star and Metro, and claims the private plane Sanchez has been circling Manchester in, has enough fuel to last until January 31 at 11pm GMT.

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