I never knew what anxiety really was until I had my first attack.

Last year, I was at the movie theatre with my boyfriend and we had only gotten 2 minutes into the movie ‘The Martian’ when it hit me. First, dizziness. Then a dry throat. Then a feeling of intense pressure on my heart, followed by an overwhelming sense of ‘Get me out of here’. I had absolutely no idea what was happening as I sat there shaking my legs and closing my eyes trying to distract myself from that horrible feeling. I went on my phone (I know, Tommy Texter) to get some advice from my mom and a friend on what to do but the feeling only got worse. I spent the entire movie with my eyes closed, unsuccessfully holding back tears and squeezing my eyes shut to relieve the dizziness. When the movie ended, I walked out and I haven’t really been the same since that.

After that day, I started to feel anxious about the smallest things that I had never really thought about. Being in lineups, in elevators, talking to even my closest friends, going to the movie theatre again, being in the car for too long, basically everything had snowballed into one big anxiety gong show. But one day, I decided to plan a trip to Mexico, just me and a girlfriend. Now, I am a kind of person who likes to challenge myself. I am so stubborn that even if I tell myself I don’t want to do something, I have to do it. So I said, screw you elevator fear and plane fear and human fear and fear of breathing oxygen. I’m going on a vacation which (ironically) included many, if not all, of my triggering anxieties. And I did. And I decided to take up meditation as I had heard a lot of positive feedback from people who struggle with anxiety, and let me tell you, it SAVED me.

A few weeks prior to Mexico, I would meditate every 2 days. Meditation taught me how to watch my thoughts without getting completely absorbed into them. It has taught me that there is ALWAYS a blue sky, no matter how many dark clouds seem to be blocking the way. It has taught me the importance of just. taking. a break. And it has taught me how to manage my anxiety. I had successfully made it to Mexico, with minimal sweat and forced deep breathing. I had an amazing time, blah blah blah how could you not, and then it was time to come home. I hopped on the plane at SAF and it started to hit me. At first, it was a small shortage of breath and I did my usual distracting techniques. But as we prepared for takeoff (I know this is some people’s favourite part about flying but commmmeee onnnn, landing is where it’s at) the feelings grew and grew until I started to panic about feeling panicked and you can guess what happened. I had movie theatre freak out happening all up in my grill AS we were taking off. Now, the feeling of take off pretty much describes the feeling of my heavy sensation when I’m having a panic attack, so it was pretty much like I was having 2 panic attacks at once. Which made me panic triple time.

The end.

Just kidding.

I was JUST about to tap my friend on the shoulder to tell her what was going on when my inner control freak said “Dude. Figure your sh** out”. So I shut my eyes, remembered that blue sky and I asked myself, “What would the meditation guy with the wonderful British accent tell me to do?”. So, I imagined that my anxiety was a dog. Because I love dogs. But, I imagined that it was an angry dog, barking and drooling and growling right in my face. I imagined that the heaviness I was feeling was inside that terrifying creature, and then I put a leash on the dog pulling him backwards. That immediately gave me the ability to observe myself without being overwhelmed by the freak out zone. If I didn’t move towards him, he couldn’t hurt me. (I mean, I’m no therapist but if you have anxiety and this method works for you like it did for me, my job here is done). Within a minute, the heaviness immediately got replaced with lightness in my chest and an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I was beaming and started an embarrassing giggle as I imagined the dog itself panting and putting it’s head down. I did it. I thought myself out of the one thing that terrified me the most. Honestly, I felt like I had a super power.

