Traditionally a grave disappointment, New Year’s Eve is at least a time to cut loose and escape the suffocating, sprout-scented stranglehold of the family Christmas. But with kids, you can forget about that. You’re far too late (and broke) for babysitters. Everyone is bored, bloated, probably sick, definitely fighting and stuck with one another. How can you reach midnight without tears? Let us guide you.

Give up entirely. This works best with newborns, who (as their caregivers know all too well) have absolutely no notion of time. You are perpetually exhausted, confused and coated in body fluids, and your notion of an “amazing night” is now one where you are only woken twice between the hours of midnight and 6am. This year, do the only thing that makes sense: give up. Eat what you like, watch what you like and go to bed whenever the spirit takes you: 4pm! 3am! Time has no meaning! The important thing is to relish New Year’s Day, the one moment in the year when almost everyone is feeling as tired and wretched as you are.

Go for it. For parents of toddlers this may, counter-intuitively, be the ideal moment to go large, NYE‑wise. Your offspring – loud, emotionally and physically incontinent, likely to strip without provocation, and able to start a fight in an empty room – are in many ways ideal partygoers. Why not get yourselves invited to a party, the wilder the better, then stand back and watch them do what they do best?

Go for a walk. Physical tiredness is essential for a harmonious evening. Take advantage of the brief moment of muddy half-light that passes for daytime to herd everyone outside, no excuses, no exceptions. The world has not yet been reduced to a smouldering pile of rubble by our leaders, and it is full of wonders: seagulls fighting over turkey carcasses, exhausted dogs on their ninth walk of the day (everyone “walks the dog” to get away from the family at Christmas), the mystifying hordes at the Next sale. If you stay out for long enough, you may even feel the first stirrings of hunger in a week.

Time travel. Younger children want to join in, but are incapable of reaching midnight without sugar-fuelled meltdowns, whining and fights (yes, many adults too). How about celebrating the new year as it reaches another, earlier time zone? You can have all the trappings (a countdown, balloons, bubbles) with none of the tears. Pick Sydney at 1pm, Tokyo at 3pm, or Moscow at 9pm. Some (Pinterest) suggest you turn this into a learning experience, teaching your kids about new year customs around the world: eating soba noodles to signify longevity in Japan, for instance, or stuffing 12 grapes in your mouth for good luck in Spain. Others (me) believe mixing a Martini can also be a learning experience.

Be strategic. If you’re in for a long, mixed-age evening, plan ahead. Identify the handful of gems in the TV schedule that everyone will enjoy and ban the whole household from watching them until the 31st, thereby saving yourself from hours of panel shows crammed with unexpected, awkwardly sexual content as midnight creeps agonisingly slowly around. Keeping a gift back from Christmas (a new game, app or funny book is ideal) and deploying it when tempers start to fray can also save you a world of pain.

Fire. The cleansing power of fire is exactly what we need to say good riddance to this relentlessly dreadful year. If you have outside space, cough up for a few fireworks – choose loud, or Instagram-friendly depending on your family demographic. If not, sparklers or terrible indoor fireworks are a low-cost way for teens and pre-teens to flex their sarcasm muscles. Consider introducing your family to the Russian new year tradition of writing down your wishes for 2017 on a slip of paper, then burning it. Traditionally, the ashes are then drunk dissolved in champagne. An adult volunteer may be needed for this part, purely for health and safety reasons, of course.

Play a game. Turn around even the least promising gathering by uniting guests against a common foe: you. Change the Wi-Fi password, then explain to your family that they all need to work together to solve a series of puzzles (you can easily download age‑appropriate ones from the internet) to “unlock” the new one. Then withdraw with a thriller and some hoarded snacks as they bond intensely over how much they hate you. Your selfless sacrifice will not be forgotten.