Roll up, roll up! The freakshow is back in town. Which rather loses its impact when our own freakshow has not left town for the past three years, but never mind. Donald Trump is back in the UK for a full state visit. State is the correct word. If Theresa May was determined to bow out on a low, she’s done herself proud.

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The president of the United States was said to be bringing along his entire family this time. But despite reports, there seems to be no visual evidence that Tiffany has been allowed out of the White House basement.

The trip is already very much under way. It will probably become more eventful at the Buckingham Palace banquet tonight, when Prince Harry raises the topic of when Trump said he could have slept with Princess Diana. But until then, let’s take a look at what’s happened so far.

Melania Trump – who in the next 24 hours will go through more costume changes than Frank Abagnale Jr – strides confidently towards her husband, who, as usual, resembles the protagonist of We Are All Completely Besides Ourselves. The truly annoying thing about Melania is that, apart from when she wore that jacket that looked like it came from MK One – if MK One had done a racism range – she always looks good. Remember when she arrived in Egypt resembling a cross between Howard Carter and Smooth Criminal-era Michael Jackson? I still don’t know how she pulled that off.

I’m afraid I spoke too soon. Because Melania arrived in the UK dressed as a flight attendant who tells you that there are no blankets available because they only stock them on night flights, even though your 4pm flight was delayed by nine hours and it is now after midnight. No, this did not happen to me recently.

We also have Trump waving to the approximately zero people who turned out to greet him at Stansted airport. (A lot of people laughed at the Stansted detail, but I think the bigger diss could have been being sent via Luton.) Can I also take a moment to note that Air Force One is painted the exact same colour as the sky, which – I don’t know much about aviation, admittedly – does seem like asking for trouble.

No, but seriously; look at Melania’s scarf: “Hun, I’m afraid we’ve run out of the Pringles, but we’ve got Mini Cheddars?”

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“You guys have some big hats, huh? You know, I also have a lot of hats. A bit bigger than these hats. Probably the biggest hat. Everyone agrees. Probably the biggest hat of all the presidents. Really big hat. Like my hands, which are also very bigly. How bigly are all of your hands? Probably not that bigly. Sad!”

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What I like about this picture is that Ivanka Trump is perusing a display of US artefacts in the Royal Collection like you would a disappointing hotel buffet. When the scrambled eggs are just milk.

Prince Andrew is the manager of a jeweller’s who follows you around the display cases and deftly ushers you towards the rings he thinks you might be able to afford, ie ones found in Kinder Eggs from the newsagent’s next door. Jared Kushner can’t focus because of the continuous hard-on he’s had since finalising his plan that will definitely solve the Middle East crisis.

I’ve spent a long time looking at this picture, and I am convinced Trump is giving the Queen a fist bump. Liz wears the fixed grin of someone who has just received a present she absolutely hates. And she 100% has pepper spray in that handbag. It has also been pointed out that she doesn’t always wear gloves to shake hands with world leaders and dignitaries, but has chosen to this time.

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Props to the photographer who took this picture, who has watched Trainspotting at least 14 times.

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I feel the aesthetic Ivanka is going for here is Rapunzel in the tower – even though, to my knowledge, Rapunzel never declared herself a feminist and then served in an administration that did its best to repeal universal women’s rights. In fact, Ivanka looks more like the Lady in White, aka the lead character in the horror film of the same name. And that makes much more sense.

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When someone tells you it’s mufti day as a joke.

Melania is changed again, and this time she is cosplaying as Rose DeWitt in Titanic. It’s possible this is a cry for help, given that her entire life must feel like drowning and waiting to be rescued.

Why do Melania, the Queen and Camilla look like three auditionees who didn’t quite make the cut as solo singers, but are summoned in front of the judges to be told they are being put together as a girl group? In 30 seconds Camilla will drop to her knees and Take That’s Rule the World will play.

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Can you imagine, just for a second, thinking that Sadiq Khan is unfit for office and Donald Trump fine? Trump is a one-man-round of Cards Against Humanity and yet this woman thinks Khan is the problem. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to join Tiffany in the basement, and just wait this whole thing out. Just two more days in this hell, the orange flames licking.

• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist