BREAKING NEWS: In preparation for his inevitable landslide victory, Ronnie Paul Dio has already begun to assemble his cabinet. Guitar legend and elder statesman of metal, Anthony Iommi, will serve as Secretary of Sate, a move that has Dio surging in the polls.

Some advisers, however, have voiced concern over Dio’s choice for Secretary of the Treasury, Terrance “Geezer” Butler, fearing he will raise interest rates when no one is looking, as he once allegedly did with his own bass tracks during the mixing of Born Again, alienating former Black Sabbath vocalist Ian Gillen. Dio has shown no sign of backing down.

Dio’s cousin Vinny (far left) will serve as Secretary of the Interior. His top priorities will be ending ethanol subsidies and ensuring that our right to sell, buy and consume raw milk is protected. He’s also a total boss on the skins!

Update: Edited for factual errors.