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WITH nothing but the sound of a lonely metal staff hitting the cobblestone streets of Temple Bar, a lonely grey haired figure muttered through the once bustling Dublin street, eyes as red as embers with the voice of a billion tortured souls.

“Ah heor, what’s de bleedin’ story?” Patrick bellowed, his voice echoing off empty shops and public houses, now closed over Covid-19 fears, “where’s all the fucking muppets in their stupid hats? Are yis all that scared of a puny little virus?”

Saint Patrick reportedly returned early on Tuesday morning after spending nearly 1700 years away, claiming this time he was here to rid Ireland of one of the biggest pandemics in centuries.

“The Black Death didn’t even stop yis last time – yer made of naughtin’ these days, me auld flowers, wha’? A bunch of pansies if ever I seen them. Get ou’ ta fuck and skull a few pints – I’ve got this,” Patrick demanded, now shooing viruses down the streets while avoiding a some young lad in a tracksuit looking for two euro for the bus, “I’ll have this country cleaned up in no time, now get out the parades and enjoy yerselves, there’s nawtin ta worry ’bout, promise”.

Lifting up his staff in one last ditch to banish the last of the viruses, Patrick summoned all of his Jesus powers – the very same Jesus powers of old that he once used to rid all of the snakes from Ireland – as a large lightning bolt shot down from above and into the staff, killing Patrick stone dead on the spot.

“He obviously had no concept of overhanging electrical wires, the fucking eejit,” a local emergency worker at the scene later commented, now zipping up Ireland’s patron saint into a body bag, “fair play to him for coming back though and giving it a fair go – God loves a trier”.