I wanted to be the first to wish all Americans a happy Independence Day. When you beat the British, you got yourselves a much better country than the Canadians, who were too soft to pony up and kick them out.

It got me to thinking how much better the United States is because it got out of the Commonwealth. To think, you could have ended up like soppy Canada.

As a result of your efforts to rid yourselves of the English, you now enjoy the following:

1) None of this nonsensical free universal health care like the commie Canadians have. If you have a baby or a kidney stone, you’re gonna pay to have that sucker pulled out of ya, just like you should.

2) You got to hold onto slavery much longer than stupid commonwealth countries like Canada, segregation even longer, and you still get to enjoy awkward race relations well into the 21st century. Because at the end of the day, as your president says, white lives matter.

3) You get much more interesting news stories. While people in Canada are watching a Mountie who had fallen off his motorbike, you guys get mass shootings in churches, schools and shopping malls, just like in the movies. I don’t even know what Canadians do with their guns. They probably use them to start fires to keep warm. Thanks to kicking the Poms out, if you want to shoot something, you shoot it.

4) You don’t have to deal with the pesky details of democracy other Commonwealth countries like Canada do. Electoral boundaries are largely devised by whoever is in power. They’ll also appoint the judicial officials who might be asked to pass judgment on it, just in case there are any questions. You teach those British colonies how to democracy.

5) You don’t have to put up with a sensibly spoken president who makes heterosexual men think twice. (Stupid Canadians!) Hell no! You get a man resembling a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrapper who tweets like a drunk pre-schooler. Take that, Canooks, and all other weak countries who couldn’t let go of the royal apron strings!

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So, on this day of days, I want to say happy Independence Day, winners!

P.S. I get to say this first because I live in New Zealand, and we won the race to get time first.

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Photo by Kelsey Knight on Unsplash