To whom this may concern:

As you know, I am expecting my little one due in nine months.

We are so excited for this emotional roller coaster to begin, but before you can share this joy and journey with us, please read the guidelines on how to be the perfect supporter of our pregnancy.

1. Unless you’re carrying this child in your uterus or put the child in said uterus, you will not announce my pregnancy without consent.

This means you will not tell family, friends, Facebook, Twitter or even make smoke signs without my OK. This is my happy news to tell. Not yours.

This includes writing “so happy for you,” “Yay mommy to be!” or “went to Babies R Us and thought of you” on my FB wall unless I’ve already announced my pregger status on social media.

2. You will not tell me what to eat or drink.

Unless you are my licensed doctor, you have no voice in what I should or should not be eating. Yes, I’m going to eat that doughnut. No, I will not have that glass of wine.

3. You will not tell me how big or small I look.

I see myself in the mirror every day. I know what size I am.

If you have something to say, tell me my Birkenstocks complete my pregnancy glow. That I could model for Motherhood Maternity if they sold my husband’s old concert shirts and yoga pants.

4. You will think my baby name is the best name a child could ever have.

Pubert Von Voldemort? What a great name! Everyone will totally want to name their kid that next year!

5. You will follow the baby registry.

I’ve known what bag, crib and stroller I’ve wanted my future child to have since I was 12. Do not go rogue and get me what you THINK I want without asking.

Unless you’re raising my baby for me, stick to the list.

6. You will not warn me of what mayhem will arrive when the baby comes.

No need to remind me how much rest I need before my 1 a.m. alarm clock will arrive. I’m terrified I will get 20 stitches in my “Hoo-Haa” just from hearing your birthing story. I’m already a hot mess thinking about when that day arrives. I don’t need to be reminded of these ominous facts while I’m up at 3 a.m. because of pregnancy aches.

7. Do not send me articles about what YOU think I should do with my baby.

Oh, you scout around Pinterest and parenting magazines so that qualifies you to tell me what to do? Do they have a Ph.D. for that? No?

8. You will not say I’m being a “Hormonal Crazy Bitch.”

I know I am. My husband knows I am. The man behind the deli counter knows I am. Notice how they are still alive? It’s because they don’t say that to my face.

9. You will not say anything to anyone when I go into labor.

It may be the contractions talking, but if you dare announce to social media that my child is on its way without my thumbs up, I will bite your head off and spit it out at the nurses.

10. My newborn, freshly-made baby is the best thing since sliced bread.

Yes, I will be spamming your news feed with photos of my baby. I will not shut up about my labor story, what outfit the baby is wearing, how breastfeeding is going awesome, and the color of the baby’s poop that day.

I made, brewed , and birthed this sucker and now it’s my own personal trophy with my DNA all over it. Suck it.