Hi Auntie,

I have a problem that I’ve been ignoring for a while in the hope that it would go away, but it’s just getting worse and I’d really like some advice. My grandparents divorced about 30 years ago and since then I’ve only seen my grandfather on a few occasions.

We don’t get on at all, for these reasons: he constantly belittles my mother by telling her she’s his least favorite child, he thinks my whole family will go to hell for our atheism, he tells me I shouldn’t wear trousers or get a good education because I’m a woman, and his current wife once stole a significant sum of money from my mother. It’s safe to say that I would prefer not to have to interact with him when every time I come away feeling extremely unhappy.

Recently though, he’s been visiting more and more. My mother is pleased with this, although most of what he says to her is patronising and unpleasant, and she wants me to “be nice to him” too, which means making him tea and conversing with him at length (which usually means getting lectured about my sins). When he leaves, my mother often tells me that I haven’t been nice enough to him, that my tone was sarcastic or I went to my room too early on, and now every one of his visits ends with us fighting.

Today, things reached peak awfulness when I asked if my mother could inform me beforehand of when he would visit so I could choose whether or not to be in the house. I’m legally an adult and I feel like I should be allowed to choose who I see. My mother got really angry and called me nasty for not wanting to see him and this really upset me.

I don’t know what to do: these visits make me really unhappy every time they occur and by now it’s about once a week. I don’t want to fight with my mother any more, we have a really close relationship and hardly ever disagree apart from about this. Should I just keep appeasing her by being in the house while my grandfather is there, or is there any way for me to get out of seeing my grandfather?

Technically, Sparkler, the answer to that question is yes. There are certainly ways in which you could reasonably avoid seeing your grandfather from now on.

Unfortunately, the technical existence of options doesn’t mean that any of them are good ones. And as far as those options go? It says a lot about the extraordinary crap-tacular-ness of this situation that your best one—and I can’t believe I’m even saying this—is to basically hope that your grandfather does you a favor and shuffles off his mortal coil sooner rather than later.

Which is totally insane and macabre, I know. But you must realize: The issue of your grandfather being a manipulative, judgmental, unpleasant person is as old as he is. It’s been a problem since before you were born. And the way he is, the way that’s so frustrating and disappointing to you? Your frustration and disappointment is your mom’s lifelong source of anguish.

Basically, your grandfather’s behavior rings all the bells of clinical narcissism—and being the child of one of those isn’t exactly fun. Based on your letter, I would guess that your mom has spent her whole life on a desperate quest for her father’s love and approval, which he’s withheld to the point where having him drop by on a weekly basis and call her a disappointment is an improvement in her eyes.

You’re going to want to let that sink in for a minute.

Because as long as your mom is still willing to do anything to earn her dad’s approval, then of course she’s going to freak out when you don’t play along. The alternative is giving up the fantasy and admitting that Gramps is a miserable bastard—which would take courage that it just doesn’t sound like she has, and which one can hardly judge her for under the circumstances.

None of this means you have to subject yourself to his abuse, of course. That’s not fair, and it’s not fair of your mom to demand it of you. It just means that… well, this is what you’re up against. It’s big, it’s old, it’s complicated, and the lion’s share of the problem isn’t even yours to solve.

Choose a calm moment (i.e., not when your grandfather is about to arrive and/or has just left), and talk to your mom. Start by acknowledging that this is a struggle for her; he’s her dad, you understand that she wants a good relationship with him, etc. And then, explain that despite your sympathy, you’re not okay with the way Gramps treats you—or her, for that matter—and you aren’t going to lay down and accept being abused just for the sake of keeping the peace. So from now on, you will [insert concession to Mom’s desires here], but you will make a polite exit any time your grandfather [insert unacceptable behavior here].

You’ll have to decide for yourself what goes in those brackets; you’ll also have to decide what, if anything, you’re willing to tolerate for your mom’s sake. Maybe you can shrug off your grandfather’s sexist nonsense by saying something neutral/noncommittal (“Hmm, interesting”) and then changing the subject. Maybe you can request a good-natured ceasefire (“Hey Pop-Pop, much as I love hearing about my various sins every single week, what if we just skipped that part from now on and talked about something more fun?”). Or maybe you’ll take these visits on a case-by-case basis as they come—hanging out with Gramps for as long as he’s willing to behave himself, but if he doesn’t, reserving the right to say, “Excuse me, but that was very rude. I’m afraid I can’t continue this visit if you’re going to speak to me that way. I hope to find you in a better mood next time,” and then making yourself scarce.

Think about it, and talk to your mom, too. It may be a tough conversation, and it may require some trial and error before you strike the balance between your own comfort, your sense of loyalty to your mom, and your obligation (if any) to maintaining a relationship with Gramps. But when your heart is in the right place—and yours certainly is—you’ll figure out where your boundaries belong. And if you’re lucky, your strength might even set an example that your mom can follow, if she ever wants to.

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