How to Get the Alpha Male to Shut the Hell Up So You and the Beta Can Bang

Village dynamics can be complicated. Everyone has to work together to make sure things run smoothly, all while keeping the Alpha’s ego intact. Here are some tips to keep the village fat-head busy so you can get busy in your own way — with that enigmatic Beta you’ve had your eye on ever since he never flexed in front of you in an unsettling manner, while loudly explaining to you how the government works.

Tell the Alpha a neighboring village is

holding a town meeting about raising

taxes to fund a new school

Alphas believe taxation is theft, so even a whiff of a potential rate hike will send him into a blind, testosterone-fueled rage. Once he skulks off to the adjacent village, dragging his club in anticipation of an irrational beatdown, you’ll have your chance to get on (and off) the beguiling Beta who’s been deftly reengineering the village water runoff system quietly without bragging about it.

Pretend you don’t know how to pitch a tent.

When the Alpha moves in to take over, leave and go

bang the guy scavenging for root vegetables

who’s never questioned your skills

No Alpha can resist the temptation to explain things. It doesn’t matter what the thing is — it could be world affairs, your job, or your own actual body — he will take great pleasure in providing you with the knowledge you already possess.

Hesitate ever so slightly while pitching a tent,

and an Alpha will materialize out of thin air, ready to

explain the correct tent-pitching method taught to

him by a patriarchal tent-pitching master he grew

up being yelled at and diminished by

Once he’s inside the tent aligning the seams, checking for spiders or some other dumb shit you can do yourself, you and the Beta can quickly roll the moderately-sized boulders you’ve hidden nearby onto the four corners of the tent, trapping the Alpha in a flimsy prison of his own expertise. This gives you the perfect chance to abscond into the woods to have tree sex for hours with the Beta, a renowned arborist who takes his time, as the Alpha reevaluates whether all that patriarchal advice was oversimplified tripe that has led him astray.

Dare him to a flying contest

Gush about how the Beta has mastered the art of flight and recently enjoyed an impressive launch off a nearby cliff. The Beta can’t actually fly, of course, but he has mastered the art of not being a total dick, which, sadly, has become more valuable than the gift of flight. The sight of the Alpha ascending the cliff armed solely with overconfidence will be greater than any foreplay you and the Beta could have come up with on your own. After all this time, the Alpha has finally found his way into your spank bank. Just don’t tell him that, or you’ll never hear the end of it.

Make up a rumor that AOC did porn.

He’ll accidentally starve spending the

rest of his life online trying to find it

The mere mention of New York Congressional Representative, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is like a heat-seeking tractor beam to any Alpha within a mile radius. Once you’ve got his aggressively rapt attention, falsely speculate on a Reddit thread you thought you saw about a mythical AOC sex tape leaked from her lowly bartending days. He’ll be obsessed, and as a porn expert, it will bother him to no end that there somehow exists a sex tape that slipped through his lubricated, Alpha, hotdog fingers. He’ll spend the next 30 years holed up in the village library scouring the Internet for an online sex tape that does not exist.

In the meantime, those tent spiders won’t stand a chance against getting steamrolled by you and your Beta having mutually pleasurable sex.