So, Sony seems like they’re really serious this time. They’re really going to make God of War into a movie.

Yeah, I can foresee a couple of problems with that. Even if they did hire a screenwriter who thinks he’s making the next Batman trilogy.

#5) There’s Really No Plot To The Games

This is every God of War game: Kratos is pissed off at a God, or a Fury, or something. He needs some object to defeat them, because Kratos solves his problems with murder. This object is hidden in a temple full of overly elaborate traps and locks that he travels to. Also he kills his way out of Hades at some point.

Patrick Melton, the poor bastard stuck writing this movie, has argued that Kratos’ origin story will be the first act… and is notably silent on what will happen next.

#4) Most of the Plot Points Involve Horrible Ways to Die Or Worse

When Kratos rips a god’s head off and pokes the back of it with his finger to make him scream/use him as a lantern, I laugh because despite the “realism” of the graphics, it’s ridiculous. On film, live-action, it’d probably be awful. Similarly, most of the game involves Kratos going somewhere and killing something in some absolutely grisly way, usually for the crime of being between Kratos and what he wants. That makes for fun video games, not compelling cinema.

#3) The Antagonists All Have Weak Motives or No Motive Whatsoever

OK, that’s unfair. The ultimate end boss in Chains of Olympus had a reasonable motive and was fairly sympathetic. Hades also has one of the best speeches in the entire franchise. He’s not a nice man but if anybody’s got reason to want Kratos dead, it’s Hades.