Lesbian bars: the first place you found community, the first place you found hostility. They play that song you love and then they play that song you hate. They have the best bartenders and the worst bartenders, the best doorwomen and the worst, the meanest patrons and the nicest. You love them, you hate them, you hate to love them and you love to hate them. And when you hate them, you really hate them. The following excerpts, ripped mercilessly out of context and displayed here for your entertainment and ensuing laughter, were pulled from one-star Yelp! reviews of lesbian bars all over the U.S. and Canada — many of which are shut down and many of which are still open. Bar names have been removed.

Now let’s talk about that bitch Michelle.

1. “Getting a drink at the bar is more difficult than turning straight.”

2. “I thought there would be a cool bunch of gay girls playing darts to befriend, but instead we got the old man with no teeth.”

3. “Maybe I don’t wear enough ill-fitting clothes with feather earrings. Maybe it’s because I use the bathroom to piss and not take bumps of coke… whatever the reason is, I’ll never feel welcomed in this tiny, unfriendly, pretentious dive.”

4. “In retrospect I would say that this bar caused me to go back in the closet and not want to be a lesbian.”

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5. “I went to the bathroom and there was a bag of french fries hanging out in there like someone was just chilling, taking a pee and having a snack.”

6. “We arrived around 11:30 pm to meet a friend for a drink cause this is “where everyone goes.” Well, if this is everyone, I am upgrading my Netflix membership.”

7. “Where is the diversity? Where are the minorities? Where are the transgenders? Where is the unity? Where is the love?”

8. “I am pretty sure all the little Hollywood Goth clubs need to attend this bar and take notes on how to create a dreary atmosphere that Edgar Allan Poe himself would want to run away from, screaming.”

9. “Each time I go I witness a sea of unfriendly faces, scary artwork, long waits for drinks and dance music that sounds straight outta the USSR circa 1991.”

10. “This place is like the last person left at the bar that you take home because you don’t want to sleep alone.”

11. “If you like the taste of farts in your glass, then this is the place for you!”

12. “Michele why are you playing the CRAP music until well after midnight???? God someone fire that bitch already!!!!!!”

13. “You don’t go to a club to hear THE MACARENA or Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” straight off the CD.”

14. “If you’re a supermodel type stay clear of here! The bartenders here wish they had my body!”

15. “It’s like every lesbian here watched LOGO and Tila Tequila and took notes on how to be a lesbian.”

16. “This is the kind of dyke bar where everyone knows your name if you look like everyone else AND come in all the time.”

17. “I am giving this place one star for two reasons:

1) The drinks are uber cheap

2) Yelp makes you give at least one star rating”

18. “The people running this place are the reason gay people cannot have nice things.”

19. “I get the whole love affair between lesbian bars and hip-hop, but there was no ‘hip’ to this ‘hop.'”

20. “Should I bring my roller skates next time? Because I could’ve swore it morphed into a roller rink.”

21. “No women’s basketball game on!? What!? I did go to a LESBIAN bar, right? It boggles the mind.”

22. “I said [to the bartender], “just make whatever you can make really well.” She said, “Um, Jameson on the rocks?”

23. “While I appreciate that this is one of the only Lesbian bars that is in Manhattan for whatever reason. I HATE THAT THIS PLACE DOES NOT TAKE DEBIT OR CREDIT CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

24. “In retrospect, I wish they’d have Dante’s famous creed above the door – Abandon all hope, ye who enter here – because little did we know, we just passed through the gates of lesbian hell.”

25. “Over 2.5 hours of waiting, and no chance to sing. Do not come here if you actually want a chance to sing. Signed up about 3 hours before closing and still got no chance to sing! Do not come here unless you have at least 4 hours of waiting to sing to spare.”

26. “A girl named Nicole stole my purse and her family members had something to do with it.”

27. “If you’ve ever read Radclyffe Hall’s “The Well of Loneliness,” you know all about lesbians and depression. Well, if not, feel free to recreate that experience by attending [this bar].”

28. “The patrons there were lucky I didn’t use my ninja skills on their @$$!!!”

29. “We ended up going to TGI Friday’s.”