

Download the MP3 | Watch the Video

A virgin wins the lost 6th episode, putting lids on, Corona virus jokes, surviving your mid-20s life crisis, the Encyclopedia Dramatica admin gets arrested, how to rifle the barrel of a gun in your garage, Kiwi Chris’ Poetry Korner, the imperial vs. metric vs. biblical systems, touch screens, Tom Leykis blocks me, trying to get out of work, and The Dick Show makes one million dollars; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Episode 200 is coming! I plan on being drunk for the entire weekend, and so should you! Why not do it together? We don’t have a place in LA yet, but I mean, how hard could it be, right? I want to have a party. I want to have it all weekend. And I want to be classy as fuck about it. Come celebrate the funeral of Maddox somewhere in LA, Saturday March 29th. Black tie is recommended, black face is not. Details to come, but first…

I’m not going outside for a few weeks until either this Corona Virus or this humanity virus goes away. I have the immune system of a JRPG character that never got played in the main group because their combat mechanic is stupid, and then has to be used on the final boss because of some dumb dual combat gimmick or one of the main three gets kidnapped. Fuck your gimmicks, I don’t want to play as Cait Sith. He looks like a dick and his weapons are dumb! Anway, I’m going to spend that time in a darkened room looking out across the LA basin like Howard Hughes, watching the Leviathan as it eats people and thinking about my choices.

Here’s my guide on how to be successful in comedy.

1. Don’t try. Trying is shameful and lame. That’s what Yoda said anyway, a homeless garbage monster who everyone in the universe should hate because he never did anything right. Pretty much every way of trying has been tried and by people more talented than you and with more know-how and better connections and with a more sophisticated understand of cross marketing and brand synergy–how could you possibly compete? No, don’t think about it. That would be planning, and that’s basically trying.

They key to comedy is to be successful immediately. Take something someone else did, like Dave Chapelle or George Carlin, and do it but make it more better. Never stop talking about Dave Chapelle and George Carlin. Nothing else can signal your success as strongly as this.

2. Don’t fail. If you’re going to commit the folly of trying–something embarrassing and plebeian, at least don’t commit the sin of failure. That’s what Yoda was really saying. Don’t fail. Failure is shameful and lame and a waste of your time. People will tell you it’s valuable and something to be proud of, but they’re only saying that so they can laugh at you or sell you books. Would Dave Chapelle ever fail? I don’t think so. All you really need to do is whatever everyone tells you to do. How could they possibly all be wrong? Find your voice by looking at what’s popular, making connections based on who everyone likes, whatever anyone tells you, believe. People will spend years failing for no reason when the answer is right in front of them! Don’t be like these people.

3. Don’t succeed too much. You’ve heard it a thousand times in a dozen different ways, mo’ money, mo’ problems. Ain’t that the truth! The last thing you need is to be more successful than you can handle–look at what happened to Dave Chapelle for god-sake. He lost his fucking mind! Success is shameful and lame. It’s a tell-tale mark of your desperation. Not a momentary lapse into it, but a cringe-inducing worship of it that lasted for years and years and continues still. But the only way people will know that is if you’ve had too much! The best thing to do at the outset is to count all of your chickens before they hatch. Figure out the nature and height of your success and when it feels like too much, stop.

You’ve now reached the end of my simple instructional on how to succeed in comedy. Good luck!

You heard the story on the show and here is the GoFundMe for the Monet Family. Rough deal.

And here is Elay Arson’s new album, “Dusk Incarnate”. Check it out!

Dusk Incarnate by Elay Arson

Dick Pics



A thumbnail of the artist by Berries n Cream.



Comments

comments