D

ear Mr. Peterson,

It has come to our attention that you have dedicated an entire chapter to us in your recent pseudo psychology book, 12 Rules for Life. Now you are speaking out in the media about how humans should emulate lobsters, and even getting into Twitter arguments with actual marine biologists.

Well, now the lobster community must have its say.

We lobsters are an egalitarian species, fond of equal rights for all lobsters, sexual freedom for our female lobsters, and scuttling along on our little lobster legs. Yes — lobsters have legs. And next time I’ll thank you to learn something about us before you half-assedly analyze our society.

We’d like to pinch some sense into you with our deadly pincers, but we fear that this will only make you reach some new, unfathomably stupid conclusion.

You see, we lobsters have been watching your society from the sea for a while now. Suffice it to say we are not impressed. You humans think of yourselves as more advanced than us, you build cities, and make art, and then you ruin your good standing by boiling us alive and using us as a prop in the spectacle of your Man Tantrums.

You cannot boil us alive and then say that humans should emulate our venerable society. That’s not how these things work. And, quite frankly, the fact that this is even happening is making us, the lobsters, rethink our initial assessment of your species. (If you’re curious, which we know you are, we find your species to be brutal yet oddly endearing. Brutal because of men like Caligula and women like Ivanka Trump. Endearing solely due to George Michael’s 1988 hit “Father Figure.” We felt all the feels from that one.)

You talk a big game about our hierarchies. But have you ever hung out with us to see how it’s actually working out for our lobster brethren?

Come to Maine, Mr. Peterson—we dare you.

And what of our behavior anyway, Mr. Peterson? I mean, what do you really know of it? Do you think that it’s all fun and games here in Lobster Land? How many times have you peed out of your face? Because we do it every day here. It’s a bit hard to have any kind of sophisticated hierarchy when actual urine is streaming from your face at any given moment.

Did you know we eat each other sometimes when the mood strikes us? We mean, can you blame us? We are delicious! And we would eat you too if we could, though you probably taste of decaying leather and a dirty old shoe.

Did you know that our relationships last only two weeks? So maybe don’t get all your information from Friends. (And we’d like to have a word with the gentleman who calls himself “Ross.” That guy is the worst!)

Whatever you mean by “enforced monogamy” though, Mr. Peterson, is not what you will find in our society. In our society, the strongest, baddest dude lobsters get the ladies, and both sides engage in a mutual “hit it and quit it” scenario. So if you want monogamy so that beta males can trap ladies for life, you’ve come to the wrong place.

And indeed, you’ve come to the wrong place for essentially everything you’re trying to achieve with this whole lobster business. We’d like to pinch some sense into you with our deadly pincers, but we fear that this will only make you reach some new, unfathomably stupid conclusion.

But perhaps there is one lesson you can take from our society after all: we don’t make noise. That’s right: we go through life without saying a word, and we humbly suggest that it would behoove you to consider this way of life for yourself instead of spouting pseudo marine biology and dangerous biological determinism theories, a.k.a. complete bullshit.

From what we can observe, your human peers would appreciate that, and so would we. So whenever you think about opening your peehole to make some noise, instead think about this:

Just stop it or we will boil you alive.

Kind regards,

Your friends, the lobsters