PURGATORY— Confessing that she often despaired of moving up from Purgatory’s Third Terrace, banished soul Edith Barenhold said Tuesday that she was tired of being passed over for advancement by less penitent men. “I’ve been stuck among the Wrathful for hundreds of years, really putting in the work, and suddenly these guys who’ve barely been around for a century just waltz on past me—and then I’m not supposed to harbor feelings of wrath after that?” said Barenhold, who according to purgatorial sources always stays late and does twice the amount of prayerful self-reflection as her male counterparts. “I’ve listened to the angels cry over the folly of vengeful anger for millennia, and while I don’t want to be knocked back down a level to envious, I’m reasonably certain I’m more qualified than the last few thousand men who ascended. These guys are still totally wrathful, too—just try pointing out that men in their situation shouldn’t really be stoning people and see for yourself. They’re just yelling about absolution louder than I am. I’d be great at being avaricious or, say, even gluttonous.” When asked about Barenhold’s prospects for advancement, archangels said the Fourth Terrace might be a poor fit for her, as she was perhaps too serious and ambitious to fit in well among the slothful.

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