How NOT to do internet dating: The stupid, illiterate, or downright filthy messages that guarantee these men will not be finding love online



Online dating is different for men and women. It just is.



As a woman you get bombarded with emails, and as a man you're expected to write interesting enough openers to distinguish yourself from the crowd, so that you have a decent shot getting a reply.



I'm not sure there is a formula for a good opening message, but there is definitely a formula for a bad one, which I've dissected and divided into seven easy categories.



Lovely reader, I give you genuine opening messages that I have received courtesy of the wonderful world of online dating. Followed by some helpful tips to improve response rates...

As a woman you get bombarded with emails and as a man you're expected to write interesting enough openers

The Illiterate

From one word 'alrite's to laughable imitations of full sentences. Spelling mistakes I can live with, but if you approach me with text speak the only way you're getting a reply is if you're a rushed for time pilot or Joe Manganiello (Look him up. You're welcome.).

Marginally suicidal Is there an echo here?

The 'Quirky' Question

These are far less original than you think.



'Would you rather have carrots for fingers or onions for feet?'



'Would you rather be a penguin in the Sahara or a lion in Antarctica?'



NO ONE CARES.

I can only aspire.

Why do I imagine you have something specific in mind?

Oh Phil, take me now

The Overtly Sexual

Probably my favourite, not because I'm going to respond with anything other than a solid 'no way Grandpa' but because getting drunk with my friends and talking about these messages always results in me laughing so hard I get cramps.

Probably Daphne's favourite openers are overtly sexual - because talking about them results in laughing hard

The 'Hello' seems kind of redundant in this sentence

Well you do seem like a big ****

I thought you'd never ask

See! Hours of fun. And no way grandpa.

The Persistent

Do send a follow up message if you haven't heard back, it shows you're actually interested. At the same time, know when to quit.



I like that it ended with a rhyme. That sort of rhetoric appeals to me. But seriously, let it die

The WTF



Can come across as witty and enticing, or bizarre and desperate. You decide.

Are crazy messages witty and enticing, or bizarre and desperate?

Deny. Breasts like a cow's udder. Enjoy the visual

You had me at 'a coconut cream biscuits'

Self-deprecation is not attractive - back yourself

One emoticon per message. ONE. And phrasing. And less desperation

I want whatever he's taking

The Essay



Don't do this. Save it for a few emails down the line, when everything has a bit more context. If you send this as an opener I will inevitably give up reading half way through reading it. Or if I'm feeling mean I might respond to your beautifully thought out essay with a nonchalent 'k'.



Urgh one of these is enough. And I bet you didn't read it all

The Just Right



I don't know why these have worked, probably the right combination of tenacity, intelligence, nonchalance, and my mood at that particular moment. Either way, these guys have got my date. But caution: These strategies tend to be high risk, high reward.



Just what I like in a man

I mean, the fact that I really fancied this guy probably helped...

I do. Although would have been much improved without the reference to the matching system

So that's a quick insight into my inbox. Obviously different messages will appeal to different people – I like a well phrased, intelligent message, because that's what I'm attracted to, whereas I know Kylie is much less fussed with SPG. There isn't such thing as the perfect opener BUT, there are definitely a few things you can do to make sure you don't fall at the first hurdle.



Six top tips for a good opening message



1. Keep it short. The opener should be light and easy, you don't want to give away your life story.

2. Comment on something specific to the profile, to stop the message from feeling too copied and pasted. But also don't comment on something too obvious, like 'Oh the picture from New York looks nice, when were you there?' This is boring.

3. Do use proper spelling/punctuation/grammar, for the first message at least, then you can mimic their response. A you're/your error is glaring and a turn off, I know I'm not alone in this.

4. Send me a message that shows me you're interested in me as a person, not just looks. You can compliment in the first message (I'd usually recommend refraining from being too blatant), but make sure you compliment something specific, i.e. You have stellar dress sense >>>> you're so beautiful.

5. Weirdly enough, I respond to comments way better than questions. Most of the time people are asking you the same boring questions, so it's refreshing to just get a statement.

6. Do actually message me. I realise I've come across as a bitch in this post, but you need to get yourself heard. Likes/views/want to meets are all wayyyy too passive. I'm online dating for a reason :)

I hope you've found this useful, I've definitely laughed a lot while writing it.



D x







Our new dating bloggers Kylie* and Daphne* are two single girls who dissect the ups, downs and backwards ways of internet dating - and more.

The authors of The Online Dating Diaries blog on Wordpress are now blogging for MailOnline.