BY DONALD TRUMP

The thing that happened to you, or to that person you knew or are related to, is terrible.

Very terrible.

The other day I was at a drinks reception with some top flight people. They had prawns the size of a man’s fist.

I’m very sorry for what it is that happened to you, and want you to know I would be making this call even if some people hadn’t told me to make the call. Or, more accurately, handed me the phone and said ‘speak into this, say the words written down on this piece of paper, and only those words’.

Have you ever seen a prawn as big as a man’s fist? You wouldn’t think they’d be tender, but they are. Very, very tender. They had dipping sauce too.

I hope you can come to terms with your loss. I lost a cufflink recently. It was a gift from a billionaire. Studded with high quality jewels. Shiny. Maybe it’ll turn up.

Anyway, where were we? Prawns. Very tender. Juicy.

I need to go now, there are people waving at me. Is it time to have my feeding tube put in?

It’s been a real honour for you to speak with me.