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After avidly watching every episode of Plastic Memories in one sitting, Apple’s top employees have announced their entry into the anime body pilliow market with iPerson. “iPerson will be based on dakimakura as to promote cuddling with owners, but feature the cutting-edge modern design our customers have long expected,” Apple CEO Tim Cook announced to the media Friday. “In order to perfect the iPerson’s vision sensory devices, our leading designers have studied the art of moe.”

Some commentators have argued that such disproportionately large eyes might scare away customers, but Cook quickly silenced the dissent after showing a clip of Isla flinging herself out of a window.

The programming of the iPerson itself already has a reliable model, leaving little need for original creativity. Software engineers have begun to convert different personalities such as “tsundere”, “yandere”, “dandere”, and “kuudere” into some robust code. Apple is sure that hackers will be unable to overwrite the iPerson’s default response set of “it’s not that I like your or anything”, crazy stalker mode, silence, and So Cool Sonuvabitch (depending on the user’s selection of course).

iPerson will also feature a self-destruct date of 81,920 hours, although consumers will likely throw out their iPersons once the iPerson 2 comes out in about 20,000 hours.

“We hope to be able to stave off the iPhone effect on our new iPerson, as the primary goal is to create an emotional wreckage of a human when the code of the iPerson goes haywire after their allotted time,” explains Cook.

With the success of other shows with dying or dead characters such as Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso, Angel Beats, and Anohana, it is clear as day that Apple wishes to market viewers’ masochistic tendencies rather honor the emotional companionship that a Giftia can provide. When asked about retrieving expired iPerson software, Cook responded that Apple would simply create a terminal service staffed with college dropouts and extra iPersons.

The iPerson is slated to be commercially available on the airing day of the second season of Death Parade.

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