LONDON—Calling the procedure “a fast, er, effective way” to treat symptoms of the Covid-19 virus, doctors at St. Thomas’ Hospital reportedly told British prime minister Boris Johnson that the haircut he’d received on Friday “was for, uh, medical reasons.” “Well, you see Prime Minister, because of your severe respiratory issues, we, um, actually needed to access that part of your head for a...surgery thing, yes,” said senior clinician Dr. Randal Jensen, taking long, awkward pauses as he looked between his medical charts and Johnson’s new head of short, well-coiffed hair. “Simply put, if we had kept your hairstyle the way it was, you could have risked death or something else, probably. We believe this is because the uh...keratin in your hair is related to your lungs, but don’t worry too much about that right now. We actually do it to all our patients. Right, yes, we definitely do that.” At press time, the prime minister had reportedly informed his medical team that after his emergency lifesaving haircut, he’d never felt better.

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