The Daily Caller has anointed Barack Obama the "first female president" because the conservative website thinks he has no honor, is not self-reliant and lacks anything resembling courage -- just like a woman!

But before launching into all of the ways that Obama's apparent failures make him a woman, writer Mark Judge issues a really important caveat: He is not being sexist or defending "caveman morons" by designating perceived ineptitude and weakness as feminine traits. Because H.L. Mencken something something?

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No, Obama is not the first female president because he "doesn’t hunt or drink a lot of beer, or curse and belch," Judge says. Rather, he is the first female president because he lacks the "six things necessary to attain true manhood: courage, industry, resolution, self-reliance, discipline, honor, and manliness." (Does that last tautology count as part of the list? Are there actually seven things necessary to attain true manhood? So confused. Woman brain hurts. Give me Dove chocolates, please. Tampons. "Sex and the City.")

But beyond these six sins against masculinity, Judge argues, Obama also does not commit enough murders:

No matter how bland or professorial a man is, there comes a moment when his family or his country is threatened and he shows rage and the desire to kill. You can see it in his eyes -- that flare of hatred, the primal urge to eradicate those who would poison your tribe. One saw this in both Roosevelts, in John F. Kennedy during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and in Reagan when talking about communism’s evil empire. George Bush showed it standing on the rubble of 9/11. An example form popular culture is Star Trek’s James T. Kirk -- a man of compassion, selflessness and intelligence, but a fearsome adversary when his crew is attacked. It’s in action movies, which are one of the last refuges of the manly virtues. I mean, in the original classic “Die Hard” movie, Bruce Willis doesn’t wipe out the scum and win his girl back by having a beer summit.

(Yes, Obama definitely should have resolved that thing with Henry Louis Gates Jr. and the Cambridge cop by murdering one of them. It's what Bruce Willis would do!)

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Not only is Obama a woman, his wife, Michelle Obama, an alleged "woman," is more of a man then he is. Because she exhibits very masculine traits, like a "love of violent movies," a "fixation on fitness," and a "death glare that appears when she doesn’t like what she’s hearing."

Case closed. Say goodnight, Gracie. Obama is a woman. And women are terrible.

h/t Jill Filipovic