Public restrooms are nasty places. Add kids to the mix and they become downright hazardous. Why? Because somehow kids can’t quite grasp the concept that they’re in a Hazmat zone and not the nice, clean(ish) comfort of their own homes.

Here are 10 things I said to my son while we were in a disgustingly dirty freeway rest stop bathroom:

Don’t sit on the floor. Don’t lie on the floor. Stop rolling on the floor! EW!!! You’re touching the potty with your privates! Stand back! Yes, those are feet. Wait … stop … please don’t crawl under the door. Let go of her ankle!!!!! Sorry, ma’am! Don’t unlock the door. Why? Because I don’t want the whole world to see me peeing … Oh, hello ma’am. Don’t stick your tongue on the sink. I highly doubt it tastes like ice cream. STOP LICKING THE SINK! Please don’t clean the sink with your hands. The sink is for washing your hands. Not making them dirtier. Just take one paper towel. You don’t need 400 paper towels to dry your hands. No that’s not a mailbox! It’s for … mommy things. GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!

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