Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Mine was a very nice guy. We were extremely close friends and had even hooked up consensually in the past. If this event had never happened, we might still be in contact today, and I would scoff at the idea that he could ever do something so horrible.

I think that is why so many people have a problem with the reality of date rape. If I were to describe my rapist, he would sound like, well, you. If I were to recount our time together, up to and including the party on the night it happened, almost all of it would seem enjoyable. Since our monkey brains want to believe people are either good or evil, we have a hard time handling anything more nuanced, like the fact that good friends can suddenly become rapists. If my rapist was a nice guy, then the situation must have been my fault in some way. I must have been flirting with him. He was confused, since we had sex in the past. There was alcohol involved, so he didn't know what he was doing.

pavelis/iStock/Getty Images

Alcohol: an asshole's best excuse since 10,000 B.C.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

We cling to bullshit like that because, otherwise, we have to face the possibility that our society is so broken that it makes rapists out of regular people. Or, that hiding inside seemingly normal minds lurk potential monsters. People who might never get punished and who go on to live long, happy lives, who don't look like rapists, and, most of the time, who aren't acting like rapists. People who we work with, who are friends with, who we are related to. Those people are also capable of committing a crime that could get them up to life in prison if they were convicted.