The Bachelor really caught the short end of the stick last night coming up against perhaps the most electric prime time television competition of the year… Not the season premiere of Below Deck on Bravo as you’re probably thinking, I am of course talking about the wonderfully confusing and largely inconsequential Iowa Caucuses. While Democratic hopefuls were angling for viability in high school gymnasiums across Iowa last night, so too were the ladies of the Bachelor invigorating their voters, lining up their delegates and making their impassioned pitches for Peter’s nomination to run the gauntlet to his heart in the weeks to come. The results of the Caucus are still up in the air as I write this, however the latest instalment of The Bachelor could not have been more categorical in its realignment of the power dynamics within the house.

The beginning of the episode was dominated by the Alayah vs. the world drama and our lovably incompetent Bachelor handled it about as well as you would expect… In the reality television sweepstakes, Peter would have been much more suited to Love Island, because that’s exactly where he finds himself stranded right now. He’s an Outkast in his own house and is swiftly discovering that regardless of what he likes to think, to a lot of these girls his roses really smell like poo-poo-oo! What is really excellent about the Bachelor though, is that the participants have the collective memory of a goldfish. Especially now that Alayah is out the door (an elephant never forgets!!), this selective amnesia is more pronounced than ever and the girls seem completely oblivious to the fact that they all hated Peter before his haphazard patch-up job. Rene Descartes is turning in his grave at Peter’s complete rejection of rational thought, instead opting to exclusively “follow his heart” through thick and thin. Maybe I’m off the mark here, but isn’t it a little antithetical to the entire concept of following your heart to just not follow it after you encounter a little bit of adversity? Peter claims to not care what other people think about Alayah, but then proceeds to cut her loose after complaints from the other girls? The toothpaste was out of the tube when he let Alayah go, he jimmied it back in by letting her back, and then he proceeded to squirt the re-tubed paste all over poor Alayah by giving her the chop once more. More flip flops than a Southern California boardwalk!

The father of French existentialism, Albert Camus, famously opined that “the evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if these intentions lack understanding.” This quote is as pertinent to Peter as virginity is to blogging; as tacos are to Tuesdays; and as Pavlov is to dogs. It’s not that he’s a complete idiot (by comparison, Colton’s intellectual ability elevates Peter to practically Einsteinian levels), but his emotional intelligence is about as sophisticated and developed as the plot to Sausage Party. I firmly believe that Peter’s intentions are pure, however his lack of appreciation for the opportunistic nature of the show’s participants is quite jarring at this point. “I appreciate you all so much and I trust you?” Really Peter? Despite being an enormously cringeworthy line to say to anyone let alone a group of 12 girls who you are simultaneously dating, it is also ridiculous given that he has allowed the Victorias, with all their prevarications, to remain in the fray this long. Those two are jousting with Pinocchio noses instead of lances; they make Kim Jong Il’s golf scorecard seem completely honest! Victoria P tried to deny even knowing Alayah despite the fact that they went on a very easy-to-verify trip to Vegas together, and I never want to hear another word out of Victoria F’s mouth about how she doesn’t like being on camera, she has confidence issues etc. Not only did she grab the bull by the horns and start getting down with Peter during the photoshoot, but she proceeded to win the modelling contest and is now going to be plastered on the cover of Cosmo. Half way around the world, or the local corner booth, now the whole world is going to have its eyes on you Victoria!

When the girls found out they would be going to Cleveland last week, they reacted as if they had just been told their group date would be domesticating bats in Wuhan China. By all accounts, I’m sure a couple of the girls would be ecstatic at the prospect of coronavirus given the alternative of associating with the current cast of Bachelor characters! Costa Rica is a little bit more like it and boy was there some drama that unfolded!

I don’t like Sydney so don’t want to talk about her date. I will say, her experience of being bullied and racially abused in high school was really tough to swallow though, so instead of castigating her to the 17 unique visitors to this blog, I will encourage donations to Stomp Out Bullying instead 🙂

Did Kelley’s dog die? Whenever you’re not having a lot of fun, but are trying to convince someone that you’re having fun, you say over and over again that you’re having fun… FUN! The two went on a spiritual retreat and by all accounts, the signs that were in the stars, candles, tea leaves or whatever they were using, were not good. Peter started pouring his heart out and Kelley was pre-occupied freaking out about a lizard, their conversation seemed very forced throughout and they just don’t appear to have a lot of chemistry. Regardless, I don’t think Peter has had a single 1-on-1 date where he hasn’t been dishing out roses like beads on Mardi Gras however this one was a shocking rose. Kelley redeemed herself somewhat by flexing on everyone by very noticeably smelling her rose throughout the girl-fighting later in the episode, but still. Peter made it very clear that “I want you to want me as bad as I want you,” and while quoting Jason Derulo lyrics is generally a rock solid foundation on which to build a relationship, I don’t see these too lasting too much longer as their interest levels in one another are clearly drastically different.

Tammy is a smart cookie. She knows that if she stirs the pot enough that she will remain on the season for longer. Her interactions with Kelsey especially were worth their weight in gold this past episode. Here are some of my favorite Tammy lines:

“I don’t think when my grandpa died I cried for as long as Kelsey did after the champagne event”

“She’s probably the most insecure girl I’ve ever met in my entire life” (no comment)

“If Peter sees how crazy this girl is, he’ll send her ass back to wherever the fuck Iowa is” (coastal elitist)

I’ve been team Tammy for a while (born pretty much exclusively out of my dislike of Kelsey and Sydney’s voice) but the pill popping thing was a little much, even for The Bachelor. Maybe she was just teeing up Kelsey to let the world know she’s on birth control? (congrats on the sex) Or that she’s the new plug for Adderall? Who knows… what I do know is that Tammy was an absolute goner until she dragged Peter out of the rose ceremony (Bachelor historians has this ever happened before??) and saved her skin by projecting her improprieties onto the others – tactical genius.

One final thought is that Peter is highly unskilled in the ways of the tea. Just as Orpheus of Thrace was unable to resist turning around to see his bride Eurydice following him from the depths of Hades, Peter is unable to help himself from taking the freshly spilt tea right to the person who it directly concerns. The mythological and modern results are equally as devastating. His delivery further exacerbates his compromising situations also… I’m not going to profess to be particularly skilled in the art of mediation, but leading his conversation with Kelsey with the line: “I heard you had a bit of a mental breakdown,” doesn’t seem like the most prudent move. Maybe he’s not doing so hot after shattering a glass into his forehead? Wishing him a speedy recovery if that is indeed the case!

Until Wednesday people!