FADE IN:

INT. TORTURE ROOM - WARLORD TOWN - GUNMAGGEDON DISTRICT - NEPAL

Various FOREIGN BAD GUYS are about to shoot a LARGE STUNTMAN with a BAG OVER HIS HEAD. But outside, THE EXPENDABLES have arrived!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

OH YEAHH, we've arrived just in the nick of time, like the awesome heroes we are!! Granted, we'd have been here sooner if we hadn't spent 5 hours stencilling slogans on every square inch of our vehicles.

SYLVESTER STALLONE, JASON STATHAM, TERRY CREWS, RANDY COUTURE, DOLPH LUNDGREN and JET LI shoot VARYING AMOUNTS of BAD GUYS in DIRECT PROPORTION to their BILLING ORDER!

JASON STATHAM

(wincing)

Oh man, are we still using that uberfake CGI blood effect? I thought we'd established how crappy that looked in the first movie.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hey, at least our bad guys bleed when you shoot them COUGHDARKKNIGHTRISESCOUGHCOUGH

DOLPH LUNDGREN

(throwing down empty clip)

I'M OUT!!

JET LI

Oh no I'm, also out OF ammo.

JET LI runs into a BUILDING and KICKS A PREPOSTEROUSLY HUGE AMOUNT OF ASS roughly equal to TWICE THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF ASS KICKED IN THE ENTIRE FIRST MOVIE.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Oh shit, no way can I compete with that. Having Jason around's bad enough.

(edits out Jet Li from rest of movie)

The GANG go to get the LARGE STUNTMAN but find ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER instead.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

You're BACK.

JASON STATHAM

That's right. But actually we're here for a whole other mission. You'll be okay?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

They have yet to be BACK.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I'll take that as a yes.

The GANG HEADS OUT! DOLPH, TERRY, RANDY and JASON use their AUTOMATIC RIFLES to shoot HALF THE POPULATION OF THE TOWN while SLY shoots THE OTHER HALF, ALL BY HIMSELF, with his TWO HANDGUNS that hold FAR LESS AMMO. But OUTSIDE TOWN, JASON and SLY get CUT OFF and are SURROUNDED!

JASON STATHAM

(throwing down empty clip)

I'M OUT!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Luckily I anticipated exactly where this would happen. Go Liam!

LIAM HEMSWORTH uses his SNIPER RIFLE to shoot TEN BAD GUYS IN A CIRCLE while SLY turns around to FACE EACH GUY AS HE GETS SHOT and luckily the LAST BAD GUY chose that EXACT MOMENT to make himself a THREE-LAYER REUBEN SANDWICH WITH HAND-CHURNED BUTTER AND HOMEMADE CHIPOTLE MAYONNAISE, and so is unable to REACT in time. They get to the SEAPLANE!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Uh-oh, now we have to take off before slamming into that bridge up ahead! Will we make it?!?

JASON STATHAM

Right, because maybe we'll all die in the first ten minutes of the movie. Real likely. Wake me up after the title screen.

(falls asleep)

SYLVESTER STALLONE

C'mon, plane! CLLIIIUUM!!

PLANE

Error. That voice command is not recognized.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

CLLIIIYEEAAAM!

PLANE

Still not getting it.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

CLIUUUAAAYYMM!!!

PLANE

Seriously, what the fuck are you... oh, "climb"? Is that it? All right.

They GET AWAY!

INT. BAR

The GANG are having DRINKS.

CHARISMA CARPENTER

Holy shit, you actually brought me back to do one useless scene in this movie. What the fuck.

JASON STATHAM

Well, your existence gives me a slight iota of character.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

Since I have no character I'm just going to talk about my real-life history.

TERRY CREWS

(throwing down empty clip)

I'M OUT!!

RANDY COUTURE

I have a funny ear.

SLY goes outside to talk to LIAM.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Sly, I've decided that our next mission will be my last, and then I'm going to retire to live blissfully with my French girlfriend in happy pony rainbow land.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Huh. So have you decided how you're going to die yet?

LIAM HEMSWORTH

I dunno. Maybe throw myself on a grenade, that's pretty badass.

INT. SEAPLANE - LATER THAT NIGHT

BRUCE WILLIS

Welcome, Sly. I've been sitting in your wrecked-up seaplane for two days waiting for you to randomly come look at it, so that I can hire you for a Russian job.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Is there a catch? Cool missions always have a catch. There's a catch, isn't there? C'mon, tell me there's a catch.

BRUCE WILLIS

There's a catch. You have to take along Nan Yu, who is very important to me for reasons we will never mention.

NAN YU

Pleased to meet you. This mission is, in turn, dearly important to me for reasons we will also never mention.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Hm. Well since Jet Li's gone, we're one short of our maximum number of Asian characters, which is 1. So, okay.

EXT. RUSSIA - THE NEXT DAY

The GANG finds the WRECKED PLANE with the INFO THINGIE they need! However the INFO THINGIE is inside a BIG HONKIN' HI-TECH SAFE!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Quick Terry, help me hold open these enormous safe doors, which will require all our strength while everyone else stands around doing nothing!

NAN YU

Oh no, we tripped an explosive! It'll go off in 30 seconds!

(pause)

So since our mission is to keep this info from falling into the wrong hands, I guess letting it explode would do the trick. Whole movie could end right here.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Too soon for that! Get the thingie!

They DO, only to discover that LIAM has been captured by none other than JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME!!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Don't surrender, Sly! Then Jean-Claude will just kill us all!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

You and I, and everyone else here, understands that. But some asshat in the third row of the audience might not, so instead I have to stupidly surrender.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Well at least don't give him the Info Thingie! Then he'll REALLY have no reason not to kill all of us!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Again, I can't risk some random douchewad with pudding for brains thinking I am immoral, so I will stupidly hand it over.

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Thank you, Sly. And in continuing deference to the aforementioned fuckwit, I will spare your lives, so your decision won't look asstaggeringly numbskullish.

(pause)

However, there are two problems. First, having Liam around is making us all look even older than we already do. And second, I haven't kicked anything yet.

JEAN-CLAUDE kicks a KNIFE into LIAM'S CHEST, KILLING HIM! Then he KICKS his HENCHMEN into their HELICOPTER and KICK-STARTS the ROTOR BLADES and they TAKE OFF while he operates the CONTROL STICK by KICKING IT.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Aw damn. C'mon guys, let's bury Liam, and then I'll read his private, intimate letter to his girlfriend out loud to everyone, in honour of his sacrifice.

DOLPH LUNDGREN

So... what do we do now?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(grimly)

TRACK 'EM FIND 'EM KILL 'EM.

TERRY CREWS

We don't even know who that guy was.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(more grimly)

IDENTIFY 'EM TRACK 'EM FIND 'EM KILL 'EM.

JASON STATHAM

Shouldn't we get some idea what we're up against?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

(ultra grimly)

IDENTIFY 'EM TRACK 'EM FIND 'EM SCOUT 'EM ANALYZE 'EM DRAW UP A PLAN THAT EXPLOITS THEIR WEAKNESSES AND GIVES US THE BEST CHANCE OF SUCCESS 'EM KILL 'EM.

NAN YU

Sounds good to me. Let's follow them with this magical tracking device that I literally just willed into existence.

They FLY AFTER JEAN-CLAUDE for a while but then STOP because there's still an hour of MOVIE left.

EXT. NEARBY FAKE 1950S-AMERICAN TOWN

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Wow, look at this old fake American town the Russkies built back in the 50s to train spies in. Is everyone appreciating these ruined, tattered relics of a bygone era? Talk about spent, empty husks clinging desperately to their former glory, amiright? I mean, what a run-down, weary-looking shadow of...

JASON STATHAM

You can stop now.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Huh?

(shrugs)

Okay, let's set up camp in that building. Be sure to set up our stereo equipment so that we can give away our location to any random passerby.

INT. RUSSIAN MINE

JEAN-CLAUDE gets a MAP from the INFO THINGIE.

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Nyah ha ha. Now that we have this map, nothing can stop us. Soon we will have the Blowupnium to sell to PlotDeviceCorp. for infinity jizzillion dollars.

SCOTT ADKINS

So we already knew which mine to look in, and we have a hundred or so captives scouring every inch of it, but we still needed a map to tell us which room we'll inevitably find it in anyway?

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Don't get lippy, mon ami. You're only here so nobody has to worry about being the least famous guy on set.

INT. BUILDING - BACK AT THE 1950S TOWN

The GANG sits around while TERRY CREWS EATS all the FOOD because apparently he is a SELFISH ASSHOLE.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I guess we could do some character stuff now.

(pause)

JASON STATHAM

Er, yeah. Um...

(pause)

Hey, isn't Randy's ear funny-looking?

DOLPH LUNDGREN

(throwing down empty clip)

I'M OUT!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Tell you what, let's discuss who would fuck whom. Which will be totally non-creepy for the only woman in this room, I'm sure.

NAN YU

Oh crap, do I have to be hot for you just because you're the producer? Please tell me we're not doing a sex scene, that would be just gross.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Don't worry, it's not THAT big.

(pause)

My ego, I mean.

(pause)

Let's all get some sleep.

EXT. FAKE 1950S TOWN - THE NEXT MORNING

TERRY CREWS

Ah, what a nice morning for wandering around in the open. Lum tee tum.

BAD GUYS

THERE THEY ARE!

TERRY CREWS

They SPOTTED me! BUT HOW?!!?!!

The BAD GUYS have our heroes PINNED DOWN, OH NO! But suddenly ALL THE BAD GUYS GET KILLED, an event presumably connected in some way to CHUCK NORRIS shuffling out as far as his IV TUBES will allow it.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Phew! Thanks, Chuck. Tell you what, let's grind the movie to a dead halt to tell some Chuck Norris Facts, which is still totally a thing.

CHUCK NORRIS

(liver failing)

You're not serious.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

I'll start. In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.

TERRY CREWS

Ooh, I got one! When Chuck Norris writes something down, it STAYS down.

CHUCK NORRIS

(bleeding internally)

Are we really doing this? I have like thirty seconds to live.

RANDY COUTURE

What doesn't kill you, isn't Chuck Norris.

JASON STATHAM

Chuck Norris doesn't get paper cuts. Paper knows better.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you have a business-you didn't build that. Chuck Norris built that.

CHUCK NORRIS

I'm not wasting my last precious moments on this shit. See you at the finale.

(is wheeled out on gurney)

EXT. DOWNTRODDEN VILLAGE THAT CHUCK TOLD THEM TO GO TO, WHICH HE KNEW ABOUT BECAUSE OH DOES ANYBODY REALLY GIVE A FAT FLYING FUCK, THE SCREENWRITERS SURE DIDN'T

DOWNTRODDEN VILLAGERS

Please save us, Expendables! Jean-Claude's men keep kidnapping our kids!

The GANG disguise themselves as a TRAVELLING RENAISSANCE FAIR so that they can engage in UNNECESSARILY CLOSE COMBAT with a BUNCH OF HENCHMEN. They kill ALL BUT ONE of them!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

THERE'S STILL ONE GUY!

The GANG empty out 3,241 ROUNDS on the ONE REMAINING GUY!

JASON STATHAM

See, this is why we keep running out of ammo.

DOWNTRODDEN VILLAGERS

Thank you, Expendables! Here's directions to the mine, which is shockingly close to the enormous fucking hole in the ground next to the giant fortified bridge with 300 soldiers on it. Not sure how you missed it before, really.

The GANG goes ALL THE WAY BACK to the PLANE and flies ALL THE WAY BACK AGAIN.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

THERE'S THE MINE!

(angles plane downward)

JASON STATHAM

ARE YOU DOING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

HELL YEAH!

JASON STATHAM

THEN LET'S DO IT!!

They CRASH the PLANE RIGHT INTO THE MINESHAFT!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

OH YEAAAHHHH!!!!

TERRY CREWS

FUCKING A!! WOO-HOOOO!!!!!

They KEEP ON CRASHING ALL THE WAY DOWN THE MINESHAFT!! They CRASH INTO the ACTUAL FILM FOOTAGE and send it FLYING IN ALL DIRECTIONS so NOBODY CAN SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

AWRIIIIGHTT!!!!!

JASON STATHAM

YEAHH!! KICK AAAAASSSSSS!!!!!

OKAY GUYS THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH CRASHING!!!

RANDY COUTURE

ROCK ON!!! HERE WE GOOOO!!!!!

DOLPH LUNDGREN

WE WILL BREAK YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

SERIOUSLY ASSHOLES, THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH CRASHING, YOU PASSED JEAN-CLAUDE AND HIS MEN LIKE FIVE MILES AGO FOR CHRISSAKE!!

JASON STATHAM

EXPEENNNNDABLLLLLLLES!!!!

TERRY CREWS

WHO WANTS SOOOOME?!!!!!!!

OH FOR THE LOVE OF... ALRIGHT, ARE YOU FUCKING DONE NOW?!? GOD!! So FINALLY, after BURYING THEMSELVES NINETY MILES UNDER THE EARTH'S CRUST they FINALLY STOP FUCKING CRASHING and OH LOOK THE ROCK CAVED IN BEHIND YOU, TRAPPING YOU UTTERLY, GOSH WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

AWWRIIGHHT, YEEAHH!!!

(looking around)

...aaaand we're fucked.

JASON STATHAM

I'll set up the stereo.

INT. WIREFRAME MINES OF MORIA CGI ENVIRONMENT

The GANG mope around for a while doing JACK SHIT. Suddenly ARNIE bursts in using the TUNNEL BORER MACHINE from TOTAL RECALL!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

HE/SHE WILL HAVE BEEN BACK.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE MINE

BRUCE WILLIS

Hey, I'm here now, and Chuck is too! C'mon, I got a badass helicopter.

JASON STATHAM

So, we're going to blow Jean-Claude to smithereens from the air? Good plan.

BRUCE WILLIS

Er, no, we're going to land off to one side so that he can drive right past us and we have to initiate a huge firefight in an airport full of civilians.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

EVEN BETTER! The bad guys will be powerless against our ability to stand in a line and walk slowly towards them! OH YEAHHHH!

INT. AIRPORT

The big AIRPORT FIGHT starts! Everyone kills 400 BAD GUYS EACH while SLY kills 550 BAD GUYS using only his VEINS.

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Where the fuck are all these extra henchmen coming from? I could have sworn I only brought a couple dozen guys with me.

CHUCK NORRIS

(throwing down empty kidney)

I'M OUT!!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ils/nous serons DE RETOUR.

(pause)

You see, what I have just said in French is...

BRUCE WILLIS

(interrupting)

...you went back to your backyard for some back bacon or some shit, right? Fuck's sake, Arnold, riffing on that catchphrase got old in Last Action Hero, and that was 20 years ago.

INT. AIRCRAFT HANGAR

SCOTT ADKINS

So, Jason, you're my final showdown partner. How do you expect to defeat me, the mighty Scott Adkins!?!

JASON STATHAM

Let me give you a hint. What other franchise contains (1) an opening escape that culminates in a seaplane getaway, (2) bad guys needing an artifact to pinpoint the location of their goal within a larger excavation, as well as (3) an innocent village's children being captured and made to work in a mine?

SCOTT ADKINS

(thinks)

Well, that all sounds like Indiana Jones. But what does that have to do with...

(sees spinning helicopter blade behind him)

...AW CRAP.

JASON punches SCOTT into the ROTOR BLADE, making a FLESH SMOOTHIE out of his HEAD. JASON WINS!

INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE AIRPORT

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Time for me to go fight Jean-Claude. Nan, stay here and guard this single door, which is the only way in or out of the enormous multi-level generic industrial environment we'll be battling in.

NAN YU

Or I could take one step through the door and shoot him in the face once you draw him out, but whatever.

SLY goes in!

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

So, the final battle. Let's start with a homoerotic weapons striptease!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Nobody can disarm themselves as homoerotically as I can! Take that!

Suddenly JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME does a SPIN-JUMP-KICK to SLY'S FACE!

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Oooh that was fun! Do you mind if I do the exact same move again, shot from the same camera angle with the same lighting?

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Sure, knock myself out.

(pause)

I mean...

JEAN-CLAUDE does THE EXACT SAME SPIN-JUMP-KICK AGAIN!

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Oof. Well, any other moves you want to show off?

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Nope. Apparently, that's all I got.

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Okay.

(kills Van Damme)

The EXPENDABLES WIN!

EXT. AIRPORT

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Good job everyone! Now let's start planning who to get for Expendables 3. I was thinking Seagal, or Jackie Chan, maybe Robocop...

NAN YU

Or you could always bring in Linda Hamilton or Sigourney Weaver or Cynthia Rothrock or...

SYLVESTER STALLONE

Aw, that's cute. You can leave the franchise now.

The CREDITS use the phrase "BASED ON CHARACTERS CREATED BY" followed by someone's NAME instead of "SLAPPING TOGETHER EVERYONE'S OLD MOVIE TITLES AND CATCHPHRASES", which is the FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE MOVIE.

END