You are a mother writing to me about a son and you want to change him, but part of the challenge, when we are concerned about a close family member, is to look at our own behaviour. One of the motivations for self-examination, whether it is through books, counselling or therapy, is to separate our preconceptions and anxieties from those of our children. I wonder what attitudes to life, love and work were taken for granted in your upbringing. In becoming clear about our own feelings and motivations, we can take a lot of the heat out of our relations with our children and our expectations of them. Why, for example, is this child the one who stayed at home? What fears did you have for him that led to him being labelled the quiet one? Why haven't you looked at other ways in which he could live independently? In wanting to protect him you have also prevented him from being independent and growing through confronting his own difficulties. In allowing him to stay at home you have also kept him by your side.