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COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Ardent Trump supporter Jethro Bohiggins told his friends and family last night that he’s pretty sure Chief of Staff John Kelly might deport him — and the rest of his family — if they hadn’t come from a red state.

In an interview on NPR this week, Mr. Kelly not only supported a new directive from Attorney General Jeff Sessions to allow for the separation of undocumented immigrants from their children at the border, he gave some reasoning for the policy that many called outright racist.

When asked about Sessions’ policy by NPR, Kelly allowed that many illegal immigrants “are not bad people … but they’re also not people that would easily assimilate into the United States,” he continued. “They’re overwhelmingly rural people. In the countries they come from, fourth-, fifth-, sixth-grade educations are kind of the norm.” He kept elaborating: “They don’t speak English, obviously that’s a big thing,” Kelly said. “They don’t integrate well; they don’t have skills.” (Rolling Stone)

“I tell you what, you take off my MAGA hat and I sound a lot like what Mr. Kelly said a lot of immigrants is,” Jethro was overheard telling his cousin Sarah over their fourth Keystone Light. “And if you’d have told me when we got married that one day a Republican in the White House would imply we may not be of value to America, I’d have spat right in your face and punched you.”

Sarah agreed and elaborated that she’d have deserved it if she’d have said it.

“I mean, look, let me just say that first and foremost identity politics is bullshit, and it’s just about dividing us and denying racism is literally over, and people only choose to be impoverished if they’re black because Democrats have programmed them over generations to just think they’re seeing signs of systemic discrimination and lack of opportunity when they’re discriminated against and have no opportunities,” Jethro told his wife and mother’s sister’s daughter and niece. “That being said, I think it’s totally true that we Trumpers are really being turned into worse than second class citizens.”

Sarah gasped.

“Exactly Sarah! They treat us even worse than we want to treat immigrants,” Bohiggins said. “Like, if I go out and wear my MAGA hat, I’m gonna get stares, looks, and some people might even tell me to go fuck myself. Is that not the same exact thing as heartlessly ripping kids away from their parents at the border and/or treating every brown skinned human being like a criminal who’s here illegally?!”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

Jethro wondered at one point just what separated himself from an immigrant in John Kelly’s mind.

“I mean, I barely made it out of high school, definitely couldn’t get a grade higher than a C+ in any English Class, and I have no desire to assimilate with Americans who want to take away my right to judge gay people, brown people, and liberals as vile human beings unworthy of the title American Citizen,” Jethro said. “And I’m also hella into Jesus so I’m a religious zealot one might say. It seems like the literal only difference between me and them is my skin color.”

Another moment of reflection for Bohiggins came. He scratched his chin and gazed upward, thinking. He snapped his fingers as a thought came to him.

“That seems racist to me, but, well, nah,” Bohiggins said. “Hannity and Limbaugh have said for years the real racists are the Democrats for wanting to help black people instead of doing the honorable thing and kicking them out into the streets to claw their way up to the lower-middle. Then again, maybe he’s not racist and is just partisan to the point of treating brown people different than white people who voted for his boss, so he’s not racist, just a cynical political twat waffle instead. I can live with that.”

Bohiggins and his sister-cousin-wife had a lovely rest of their night.

James‘ satire is also found on:

Alternative Facts

Alternative Science,

The Political Garbage Chute

The Pastiche Post

Satirical Facts