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Today British prime minister Boris Johnson is floating the idea of Ireland leaving EU rules, laws and regulations temporarily to effectively rejoin Britain in a bid to help Britain avoid the dreaded backstop, something the British government came up with to avoid a hard border in Northern Ireland in the wake of Britain voting to leave the EU.

Not content with suggesting just one idea so poorly researched, offensive and ignorant it brings the British education system into disrepute for the 19th time this week, Johnson floated another 7 shamelessly shortsighted illogical word seizures for the EU to reject without opening.

WWN has managed to get hold of Johnson’s, and we use the term loosely, thoughts on a replacement for a backstop the EU has said it would not replace ever since it was agreed upon with Johnson’s party in 2018.

1) I’ll just invade Ireland, simples

One suggestion the sentient cauliflower made in private correspondence with the EU was that Britain would invade Ireland since “we don’t actually think it is its own country anyway”.

Asked if such action would risk the death of British Army personnel, Johnson confirmed “not anyone important anyway”.

2) Seagulls

An official British government white paper proposed a replacement for the backstop as ‘seagulls’. The one word A4 page does not go into any more details.

3) Alternative arrangements

The infamous words ‘alternative arrangements’ are close to Johnson’s heart as they’re the very words his parents were forced to utter upon receiving their son’s first ever report card home from school.

As was the case back then, Johnson can certainly say and hear the words ‘alternative arrangements’ but sadly is still unable to grasp their meaning.

4) “I’ll do it, I’ll shoot every one of you”

Looking slightly flustered as he pointed a gun directly at his own temple, Johnson warned the EU leaders he would shoot them if they didn’t let him have the harshest no deal Brexit available.

5) Ask criminals along the border to be on their best behaviour

What could go wrong. Judging by the curse words uttered by all 27 EU members who maintain a unified front on all matters of Brexit, they’re pretty receptive. Johnson went on to propose cutting loads of corners and just lying about it later when it backfires spectacularly.

6) Ice Cream for everyone

A serious leader with serious solution Johnson suggested the EU just let Britain self-immolate by crashing out with a no-deal and to soften the blow for his fellow countrymen, just buy ice cream for everyone.

7) Turn Britain into the movie The Truman Show

One of Johnson’s alternative solutions to a solution agreed upon by all 27 EU members states and Britain’s government close to a year ago that protects and upholds the Good Friday Agreement is to put on the world’s largest theatre performance.

A cast of thousands of actors will be deployed to Northern Ireland to act like ‘everything is okay’. Dressed in camouflage, these ‘actors’ will help convince the people of Northern Ireland that they didn’t need the backstop.

The delicate theatrical ballet would see the actors insist to people in Northern Ireland that their rights are being upheld and would do so with the help of guns pointed directly at them.