Flores explains that the notion that we all are manipulating our profiles and photos in order to create a glittery illusion of who we are may be one reason men might not want to invest time and money in a proper date. Before online dating, a guy would meet a potential partner in person or through a friend. She likely wasn’t a complete stranger, so he knew what he was getting into.

Today, a woman could show up and not look anything like her pictures or be way less outgoing than her “I’m an adventurer” profile lets on. So guys might be starting from an expectation of immediate disappointment, Flores explains, thinking, "I don’t have to put in effort up front because she’s probably not who she says she is."

Plus, with myriad dating sites and apps available, there’s a seemingly endless pool of potential love connections all just a tap of a phone screen away. Guys on these sites probably aren’t dating just one person at a time, so they might be trying to fit as many quick meet-ups into their schedule as possible. But, Flores says, brevity is an enemy of intimacy: “If something is seen as brief, it’s no longer seen as valuable.” So my Bumble guy probably wasn’t too heartbroken that meeting me didn’t pan out since he probably had other coffee dates lined up. “If something doesn’t work out, you can find an immediate replacement in the swipe of a finger,” Flores says.

The cons of this trend for women are pretty obvious, but one pro is that it lets you find out quickly who is willing to put in the effort to win you over, Flores says. And what about the cons for guys? Well, for one thing, she says, “men are denying themselves the opportunity to really get to know someone.” While we wait for them to realize this, women don’t need to sit around lamenting the digital revolution and resigning ourselves to poorly worded texts and afternoon lattes as long as we’re single.

1. Make the Rules

Flores advises that we first take ownership of the role we play in the state of modern romance and move on from there. “Women have made it too easy,” she says. “We are buying into these rules. One thing women don’t know is that men don’t understand why we make it so easy. They get bored.” Flores says men often become fascinated by women with high standards, especially when, in their experience, other women will give in and just go along with what they want. Flores explains that there’s nothing wrong with telling a guy you’d prefer to meet for dinner not coffee, then standing by it.

Although dating apps are seemingly geared toward player types, don’t forget that there are plenty of fish in the sea for a girl like you. “Don’t back down if he says no,” Flores says. “You have the option to move on too.” She says women should stop being so accommodating by continuing to accept brief encounters and meetings without substance. “Most men like for women to enforce boundaries,” she adds. “If you’re not OK with something, say so.”

2. Stop Emailing and Texting

Flores also would like to see singles get back to talking on the phone, something she asked her now husband to do after three emails when they met on a dating site. She says emails and texts don’t allow for the level of intimacy you can build when you hear someone’s tone and the emotion in their voice. Short bursts of written communication can be cold and distant and encourage miscommunication, especially at first.

3. Value Yourself

Know what your dating expectations are and stick to them. “Are you worth a continuous cup of coffee or are you worth more?” Flores asks. “Not just his time, but your time is important too.” And don’t think you’re being demanding by speaking up for yourself. The right guy will respect—and really like—that about you.

“Women get to decide how far things go,” Flores says. “Men have to meet their standards. Women can swipe left too.”

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