If you are as hopelessly despairing about transitions and implementation periods and backstops and backstops to backstops as you has every right to be, then perhaps the following analogy for the unrelenting horror show that is the Brexit negotiations will help.

Think of Theresa May as a terrifically socially awkward woman who, entirely of her own free will, has invited round for dinner some very angry and entitled vegans and some equally angry and entitled teetotallers.

For almost two full years now she has hidden in the kitchen in a state of terrified anxiety, but we are reaching the point, finally, where she must pick up the casserole dish, stride into the dining room and present to her non-drinking or non-meat-eating guests their dinner of coq au vin.

Perhaps she thinks it is just about possible that, having taken them to the brink of starvation, they might relent and swallow it. And well they might.

But, for the rest of us, in the meantime, there is the significantly more delicious fact that we will get to watch, on live television, her agonised attempts to explain to her friends who either don’t eat chicken or don’t drink wine precisely why chicken poached in wine is in fact what they’ve always wanted.

The next few weeks will be a quite sumptuous buffet of the kind of thing that was served up in her press conference in Brussels today, which was, in itself, a trailblazer far beyond the known boundaries of the observable excuse universe.

Unfortunately, some background might be necessary first. When the UK leaves the European Union on the 29th March 2019, it will have twenty one months to negotiate a new free trade deal with the European Union. There is absolutely no one sensible who thinks that is even remotely possible, not merely because nothing like that has ever come close to being achieved before, but also because of the accumulated evidence of two years of Brexit negotiations thus far, which to borrow the phrase of the somewhat politically incorrect wheelchair bound dodgeball coach Patches O’Houlihan has been like “watching a bunch of retards try to f*ck a doorknob.”

And because it so very obviously won’t happen, there has to be a “backstop” arrangement in place, an insurance policy, for what happens when time runs out, and the degree to which that backstop applies to Northern Ireland is Brexit’s great unsolvable problem.

Now, one way out of that problem is to be grown up enough to admit that the transition period is very, very obviously too short, and if you make it longer, you reduce the risk of ever relying on the backstop, and draw some of the political poison from it.

People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Show all 30 1 /30 People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Mandatory Credit: Photo by Guy Bell/REX (9725259aq) Marching down Whitehall - People's March for a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal. Timed to coincide with the second anniversary of the 2016 referendum it is organised by anti Brexit, pro EU campaigners. People's March for a People's Vote, London, UK - 23 Jun 2018 Guy Bell/REX Rex People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Demonstrators carry banners and flags as they participate in the People's March demanding a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal, in central London on June 23, 2018, the second anniversary of the 2016 referendum. Tens of thousands of people demonstrated in London on Saturday calling for a second vote on Britain's departure from the European Union. / AFP PHOTO / Niklas HALLE'NNIKLAS HALLE'N/AFP/Getty Images NIKLAS HALLE'N AFP/Getty Images People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal A young protestor shouts as she takes part in the People's Vote demonstration against Brexit Getty Images People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal A woman holds a placard as she joins EU supporters, calling on the government to give Britons a vote on the final Brexit deal, participating in the 'People's Vote' march in central London, Britain June 23, 2018. REUTERS/Henry Nicholls HENRY NICHOLLS Reuters People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06833888 Pro-EU demonstrators take part in a People's March anti-Brexit rally in Parliament Square in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal A protester's pro-EU t-shirt EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06833892 A pro-EU demonstrator waves a European Flag during a People's March anti-Brexit rally in Parliament Square in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Demonstrators carry banners and flags as they participate in the People's March demanding a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal, in central London on June 23, 2018, the second anniversary of the 2016 referendum. Tens of thousands of people demonstrated in London on Saturday calling for a second vote on Britain's departure from the European Union. / AFP PHOTO / Niklas HALLE'NNIKLAS HALLE'N/AFP/Getty Images NIKLAS HALLE'N AFP/Getty Images People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06833960 Tens of thousands of people march through London during a People's March anti-Brexit demonstration in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Leader of the Liberal Democrats, Vince Cable speaks during the People's March demanding a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal, in central London on June 23, 2018, the second anniversary of the 2016 referendum. Tens of thousands of people demonstrated in London on Saturday calling for a second vote on Britain's departure from the European Union. / AFP PHOTO / Niklas HALLE'NNIKLAS HALLE'N/AFP/Getty Images NIKLAS HALLE'N AFP/Getty People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06833964 A young pro-EU demonstrator takes part in a People's March anti-Brexit rally in Parliament Square in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Gina Miller and Caroline Lucas EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06834044 Tens of thousands of people march through London during a People's March anti-Brexit demonstration, in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06833264 Thousands of people march through London during a People's March anti Brexit demonstration in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Tens of thousands of people march through London EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal epa06833265 Thousands of people march through London during a People's March anti Brexit demonstration in London, Britain, 23 June 2018. Protesters are calling for a referendum on the final deal. The protest is taking place on the second anniversary of the Brexit referendum. EPA/ANDY RAIN ANDY RAIN EPA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Demonstrators at the People's Vote March Getty People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal 'Two months too young to decide on my future' REUTERS People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Crowds taking part in the People's Vote march for a second EU referendum at Trafalgar Square in central London. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Saturday June 23, 2018. See PA story POLITICS Brexit. Photo credit should read: John Stillwell/PA Wire John Stillwell PA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal A young girl joins in the march PA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal An EU flag is draped across the statue of Winston Chruchill in Parliament Square REUTERS People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Demonstrators gather prior to the start of the People's March demanding a People's Vote on the final Brexit deal, in central London on June 23, 2018, on the second anniversary of the 2016 referendum. / AFP PHOTO / Niklas HALLE'NNIKLAS HALLE'N/AFP/Getty Images NIKLAS HALLE'N AFP/Getty Images People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Vince Cable MP, Pro-EU campaigner Gina Miller, Tony Robinson and Caroline Lucas MP join with crowds PA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Crowds gather on Pall Mall in central London, during the People's Vote march for a second EU referendum. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Saturday June 23, 2018. See PA story POLITICS Brexit. Photo credit should read: John Stillwell/PA Wire John Stillwell PA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Crowds gather on Pall Mall PA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal A man resembling Britain's Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, joins EU supporters Reuters People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal EU supporters, calling on the government to give Britons a vote on the final Brexit deal, participate in the 'People's Vote' march in central London, Britain June 23, 2018. REUTERS/Henry Nicholls HENRY NICHOLLS Reuters People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal People gather in Trafalgar Square REUTERS People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal Pro-EU campaigner Gina Miller and Tony Robinson PA People's Vote march – demanding vote on final Brexit deal EU supporters, calling on the government to give Britons a vote on the final Brexit deal, participate in the 'People's Vote' march REUTERS

But because Theresa May is fully in the grip of Jacob Rees-Mogg and his gang of belligerent toddlers (the vegans), we are forced to entertain the notion that this twenty-one month period is not very, very obviously too short but actually too long. And that is because while we are in it, the UK will have to follow the EU’s rules without being a member of it, a situation which, for anyone in the country pompous enough to use the term, and unfortunately all three of them are backbench Tory non-entities, will reduce the UK to that of a “vassal state”.

And because Theresa May is also in the grip, but rather less tightly, of Nick Boles and various others (the teetotallers) who think you don’t need any kind of transitional arrangement in order to get out of the customs union and the single market, because what you should be doing is basically just staying in them, she cannot possibly please everyone.

Which means that, when she arrives at her press conference and has to explain that the best way to solve the problem is to extend the transition period, she simultaneously has to pretend the problem has not been solved at all. And in the impossible heat of that excuse furnace such wondrous phrases as the below are formed, which I make absolutely no apology for quoting in full:

“I’ve always been clear that we negotiated an implementation period with the EU and that period would end at the end of December 2020.

“What has now emerged is the idea that an option to extend the implementation period could be a further solution to the issue of the backstop in Northern Ireland.

“What we are not doing is we are not standing here proposing an extension to the implementation period.”

Which is to say, I’ve always been clear on x. And now, in a negotiation between two parties of which I am one, what has “emerged” is y. What I’m not doing is standing here saying “y”, even though I’ve very clearly just said “y”, and every last one of you has heard it.

I’ve always been very clear that I would invite you, vegans and teetotallers, round to mine for dinner. What has now emerged is that dinner will be wine and chicken. What I’m not doing is standing here saying I made this dinner and you will eat it. But there won’t be anything else.