Today Marvel lifted the review embargo on Marvel’s Captain Marvel, Which Is a Marvel Movie from Marvel, and the results are depressingly predictable. The reviewers are doing one of two things: Giving this historic breakthrough for women the credit and praise it deserves for allowing Brie Larson to cash an enormous paycheck to play a superhero, or spewing hate speech about a “weak plot” and “flimsy characterization” because they’re tools of the patriarchy. Not that their own “tools”* are very big or powerful, if you know what I mean!

Just when I think our society has finally turned a corner and decided to treat women with the unquestioning deference they deserve, reality reminds me that we’ve still got a long way to go. Here are just a few of the insufficiently glowing notices coming in for the film:

Wow. Just… wow. Hate women much, AV Club?

Note to The Atlantic: Um, hello? This does not empower women. CLAP LOUDER!

A woman is finally allowed to star in a movie, and Vox just can’t handle it. Uh, no, Captain Marvel will not fix you a sandwich!

Excuse me, Slant Magazine, but this is the line for Captain Marvel, not Triumph of the Will. Stay in your lane!

Your name is appropriate, Time Out New York, because you need to take a time-out like a little baby for your misogyny against females and women. #NoH8, you f****** a*******!!!

White males claim they’re not scared of powerful women, right up until they see a woman exerting her power. Way to Make America Great Again, Indie Wire!

Yeah, “We Got This Covered,” if “This” refers to hating women. Nice neckbeard, dude, but we don’t want to hear it. This 21st entry in a beloved movie franchise isn’t for you.

Nice mansplaining, Screen Crush. Guess what? People with scary lady-parts are actually human beings too. Google it!

Even the Associated Press isn’t safe from institutionalized misogyny. HOW DOES THIS HELP WOMEN???

One thing you’ll notice about all these “critics” is that they’re white (or otherwise) and male (or otherwise). Pretty convenient, no?

What are we supposed to tell all the girls and young women who are excited to see a big-screen superhero who looks like them but prettier? “Yeah, it was passable, I guess.” “Ehhhh, Black Panther was better.” “Just hurry up and tell us what happens with Thanos already.” If anybody can explain to me how that’s not tantamount to sexual assault, I’d appreciate it.

I mean, did these morons see the same Captain Marvel I saw? (No, I haven’t seen it yet, and that’s hardly the point.) This is a scary time for women, and they need this movie right now. Stop politicizing this important event in feminist history, and start praising women for having the courage to play flying people in uncomfortable-looking leatherette jumpsuits with lasers coming out of their hands.

As if all that isn’t bad enough, the atmosphere is about to get even more uncomfortable for Captain Marvel fans. Now the MRAs are trying to steal her thunder. With actual thunder! They can’t let women have anything of their own, so they’ve made a ripoff Captain Marvel movie starring yet another… ugh… man.

Wow. Just… wow. Okay, let’s unpack this:

White ✔️

Male ✔️

Abuses power ✔️

Appropriates culture from a POC ✔️

Addresses issues important to women of every gender ❌

Nnnnnnope. No thanks, redpillers. This is not my Captain Marvel!

I don’t plan to see Captain Marvel on opening weekend, because Marvel Studios and this movie’s target audience don’t need me stinking up the place with my toxic masculinity and disposable income. I am not welcome, and that’s the way it should be. But when I do get around to seeing it, here’s how I think it’s going to go:

#CaptainMarvel is going to defeat #Thanos with a series of Tumblr posts proving his genocidal finger-snap disproportionately targeted women, people of color, and the LGBTQ community. He will then be cancelled and deplatformed. No more Uber or Patreon for you, purple white male! — Conserving “Conserving Conservatism” Conservatism (@jtLOL) March 5, 2019

Nuff Said, sexists!

*Penises. Their penises are small, and saying so hurts their precious widdle feewings.