I hope you’re happy, everyone who rooted for a Baylor upset in the first round of the NCAA tournament — look what we’ve got now.

Yale will play Duke on Saturday in the second round of the tournament, and the rest of America will be stuck watching two teams that no one wants to win. It’s the Insufferable Bowl, and we’re all losers for having to watch it.

On one side, you have Duke, which is Duke, the most hate-able college basketball team in the world. My mom went to Duke and I can’t even get behind this team. They’re led by Grayson Allen, the sneering, floor slapping, dirty play artist who looks like a cross between Prince Joffrey and Ted Cruz and acts like if Christian Laettner was even more arrogant, which I didn’t think was possible.

Why does Grayson Allen look like everyone pic.twitter.com/2EdaWltqji — White Bball Pains (@WhiteBballPains) April 7, 2015

On the other hand you have Yale, a nice Cinderella team I guess, but it’s Yale. This is where the kids all tell you they “go to college in Connecticut” with a slight smile, waiting for you to follow up with “Oh UConn?” and then they get to smile and say, “No, it’s in New Haven” and then you realize they go to Yale and you want to just die. This has happened to me more than once. I have very good friends who went to Yale and they’re all the worst. (Sorry, Stephen and Dani and Will, I’m not sorry.)

And we’re left with the choice of rooting for one of these teams. It’s a nightmare. I can’t stand it. I’m going to go for a long walk during this game, admire the sunshine, and pretend basketball was never invented.

Yes, Duke and Yale students and graduates: This comes from a place of jealousy. And I know it must be annoying, to want to root for your team in peace, and have to deal with everyone saying this game is a nightmare.

But here’s the thing — you’re all going to be fine. No matter if your basketball team wins or loses, you’re still going to have a Yale or a Duke degree. You are fine.

You don’t need March Madness glory to validate your college experience. You’re all going to be working in investment banking or corporate law or at Google and making so much money it would make me physically sick if I saw your bank accounts.

So don’t take this away from us. The rest of us shlubs out here need March Madness. All the people of the world who got into your safety schools want a few weeks just for us, when we get to have a few moments of glory, and then we’ll go back to Duke and Yale grads of the world running everything per usual.

In short: Everything is terrible. I hope the ball deflates and water gets on the court and they call the game on account of rain. We don’t deserve this.



