Ive wanted to write for a while about anxiety disorders as i guessed it would be a good way to get rid of some of the so called “anxiety stress” but always then thought maybe not… see im a 26 y/o male and i for one suffer from an anxiety disorder myself, its only recently been clear to me that thats what it is as ive been back and forward to the doctors over what i can only describe as an internal shaky feeling and feeling like an invisable heavy weight has been placed on my chest, were the doctor asked “Have you ever considered you have an anxiety disorder?”

It all started roughly after the passing of my grandmother in 2017 (who i lived with along with my sister). Where in the space of a month i was use to coming home from work to a house with around 12/14 close relatives all in visiting to coming home to nobody only an empty house and it was a damn hard transition to get use too, did i cope alright with her passing? Hell no, it destroyed me, yes i put on a brave face and let on i was ok but the truth is i lay in bed crying at night for weeks as i missed her and also missed having everyone about the house, i felt alone as i would never see anyone (apart from my girlfriend who without her god knows what state of mind i would be in) i also never made the effort to go see anyone and would just come home and sit infront of the tv for hours feeling sorry for myself and thats where it started.

I can remember my first anxiety attack happening me while i was drifting off to sleep and it scared the living hell out of me as i was convinced i was actually dying and nobody would be able to help me, i didnt know what it was, this didnt happen all the time, i could go months on end without it happening again and then it would happen out of the blue again and i would be back to the doctor freaking out.

Deep down after a while i had a feeling i had anxiety, but kept going to to the doctors hoping they would tell me something other than i had a mental health issue, because i was led to believe that having a mental health problem meant you were lesser the person you are.

I let anxiety stop me actually having fun and enjoying myself, like i actually let it make me miss one of my best friends 30th birthday as i was afraid of going out as i kept thinking of what would happen if i was too drunk like would i fight or even worse fight with my girlfriend (who may i add has been an absolute rock and done so much for me since ive found out i have anxiety). I actually got myself into the idea of not going out as then nothing can happen if im in the house, but at what cost? I sit in every week and start becoming a recluse?

It has also stopped me progressing in life with such things as getting my driving licence as ive taken my test 3 times and failed 3 times as each time ive done it ive had the dreaded “shakes” but yet when people ask me “why havent you got your test yet?” I wanna scream and shout why but just sit back and say i have not the time.

Could i tell my friends? I told a select few and close family, others i couldnt tell as i didnt want them to think that everytime they got in conversations with me that they had to thread on eggshells in what they say

Ive always wanted to tell my closest friends how i feel and what goes through my head but when i think about it deep down, i always think i sound silly and that nobody will take what im saying serious

Like most people think an anxiety disorder is just someone worrying about money and shit etc etc… but its much more, i can have a nightmare and have an anxiety attack or even think something bad and have an anxiety attack, but its up to me to learn to live with it

What really annoys me though is that we are brought up in a world where men believe that speaking about mental health issues takes away the alpha male image that we are all meant to have, where we might get laughed at and told to man up? Yea man up… but thats the sad truth that the society we live in today has gone to fuck so to speak

So many people dont actually know what anxiety is they just believe its when a person worries a bit more than normal, but there is so much more to it, the endless thoughts that go through your mind, the heart palpitations, the constant feeling off nervousness, waking up each morning and worrying about what mood you are going to be in? All these things happen me and i could go on but the list is endless, like some days i like to sit in silence and think about all the good things happening with me as i believe that helps me with keeping anxiety at bay, but it does make me lose focus and seem like im not listening to people at times.

As i write this i can actually feel a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders as even though nobody might ever see this it still feels as if im talking about it and that feels fucking amazing, for the good part of 1 and a half years ive been battling the demons of an anxiety disorder but only really accepting recently that thats what it is and trust me it can be hell at times, but you can have great days too when you feel “normal” but im in a great place now, i feel great writing this, i feel as if im talking to someone and getting everything that ive kept in for the past while off my chest, its up to me from now on to keep myself on top, be productive and look forward to everything and not let this hold me back, heck im moving across the world in 3 months time woth my girlfriend and couldnt be more excited.

Thats enough rambling from me, this post is not about looking sympathy or looking for likes because if it was i would post it on my facebook, the post is for awareness that too many men deal with mental health issues and are afraid to speak up about them, im going to get bad days where it affects me the whole day but i need to learn to not let it, i dont know how to cope with it fully, im still learning to deal with it, all im trying to say is dont let anything worry you, even if you are worried it all works out in the end, close your eyes, take a deep breath and go again

I was like that, i tried to run away from the bull but never got far away, so instead im gonna grab this bull by the horns, embrace it and rodeo with it!

Peace CMcC ✌