Minnesota Twins

Named by the team’s owners, Don and Bron Johnson, as a direct diss to their identical triplet, Lon.

Boston Red Sox

Boston chose this team name because there is nothing more terrifying than one red sock in a load of white laundry.

Chicago White Sox

“Other than one white sock in a load of red laundry!” responded Chicago, incorrectly.

Detroit Tigers

When the owner was deciding what to name the team, he looked around the room for inspiration, and the first thing he saw was five thousand high-school football teams named the Tigers.

Houston Astros

Houston’s name alludes to the owners’, managers’, and players’ devotion to astrology. To this day, the team refuses to draft Virgos.

Kansas City Royals

The team name serves as a bold reminder that the entire populace of Kansas City still stands with the British monarchy and recognizes no authority other than Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II.

Los Angeles Angels

No one knows the exact origins of the name; what we do know is that, in 1982, a bilingual fan realized that, serendipitously, “Los Angeles” is Spanish for “the angels.”

Baltimore Orioles

The franchise owners named their team the Orioles thinking that an oriole was a kind of badass mystical creature. By the time they realized that an oriole is actually a cute little bird, they were in too deep and had to pretend that that’s what they meant all along.

New York Yankees

Since the dawn of baseball, the Yankees have been a team of notorious masturbators. (Fun fact: their AAA minor-league team is called the Spankees.)

Oakland Athletics

The nerdiest team in baseball, Oakland chose the name Athletics to try to convince fans that they were athletic.

Seattle Mariners

Seattle’s team is made up exclusively of people who used to live in Marin County, California, but who moved to Seattle because the Bay Area is over.

Tampa Bay Rays

Initially called the Tampa Bay Ray Romanos, the team was forced to change its name after a 1998 lawsuit.

Texas Rangers

Texans love authority figures.

Toronto Blue Jays

Canada’s national bird, maybe?

Cleveland Indians

Pass!

Arizona Diamondbacks

Arizona’s team name commemorates the little-known fact that the singer-songwriter Neil Diamond has a superhumanly muscular back.

Atlanta Braves

Atlanta thought, Surely our thing will be that we are the one team with a racist name—there’s no way that multiple teams out of only thirty total teams will have racist names.

Chicago Cubs

Chicago’s baseball team is named the Cubs because, when the players grow up, they become Chicago Bears.

Cincinnati Reds

Shockingly, this team name is not racist—it simply refers to the color of the players’ socks. Unoriginal, frankly, but thank God!

Colorado Rockies

The Colorado owners decided to name their team after the pinnacle of human physical excellence: Dwayne (the Rock) Johnson.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Previously the Brooklyn Dodgers, this team got its name from Brooklynites’ propensity to dodge probing questions from their parents, such as “When are you going to get a real job?,” “Don’t you think it’s time to settle down?,” and “What’s a coven-slash-art-collective anyway?”

Milwaukee Brewers

Milwaukee, home to Pabst, Miller, and Schlitz, decided to name its team the Brewers after public outcry over the original team name, the Milwaukee Drunks.

New York Mets

Although some may assume that the New York Mets are affiliated with the art museum or the opera house, “Mets” is actually short for “methamphetamines,” in honor of the drug that made the original team owners their fortune.

Philadelphia Phillies

Named after the species with the Latin name Philli phanatica, which is indigenous to the area.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Riddle me this: they’re called the Pirates, but Pittsburgh is landlocked.

San Diego Padres

The owners saw a bunch of priests who were really good at baseball.

St. Louis Cardinals

The owners saw a bunch of priests who were really good at baseball.

San Francisco Giants

Originally called the Gothams, the Giants decided to change their name after a particularly good game, when the manager burst into the locker room and exclaimed, “My big fellows! My hearty boys! My giant adult sons! Bravo!”

Washington Nationals

The team started out as the staff intramural softball team for National Geographic. It was so good—and so annoying about it—that the other magazines in the league forced the team to go professional, just so that they could get some peace and quiet.

Miami Marlins

It’s a fish, you idiot.