Return of the Sith II: Sloppy Steve Strikes Back for Seconds

In recent days, Grendel former white house Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was spotted crawling out from the reeking landfill that he calls home for an exclusive CNBC interview. Using the garbage juices leaking from the torn heaps of trash bags packed around his mutant lair as lubricant, Bannon was able to writhe, twist and pull himself free from the deepest depths of waste, muck and sewer sludge.

Upon freeing himself with a loud squelch, it was reported that Steve snatched up some unwitting rats with his deft fingers, gnashing their skulls between his stained yellow teeth for a quick breakfast snack. Having acquired proper sustenance, he scampered across the miles of filth and refuse—at times, galloping on all fours—in order to make it to the CNBC headquarters in northern New Jersey.

Sloppy Steve, true to his name, is a man in dire need of a shower. However, sporting a body sponsored by Budweiser, cheese curds and pork rinds, it will be a miracle if he lives to ever find one. If the worst comes to pass, it might be necessary for his handlers to roll his bloated corpse through a car wash instead, prior to hosting the funeral service. That is just about the only thing industrial enough to remove the decades of grease stains and stench of rotten eggs from his gruesome person.

Now, during the interview, Stephen raised many valid talking points that provided valuable insight into the current state of the American political climate. However, that is not why he went on air. That is not what is important. What must be taken away from his interview, rather, is that you must invest in “deplorable coin,” the hot new cryptocurrency that Sloppy Steve plans to roll out later this year.

No, I am not joking. This actually happened.

As an admitted HODLER of Bitcoin, Sloppy Steve is a strong believer in the future of crypto. I am sure this is exactly why he feels the burning need to “enhance” the market by developing yet another shitcoin. A shitcoin, by definition, brings no innovative value to the field of blockchain technology. It is not a token used for staking or for performing a service. It does not beat out other currency coins in terms of transaction speed or practicality. It does not provide anonymity or privacy when purchasing goods on the internet. In short, it is a meme. A shitpost. After leaving his career at Breitbart and being fired from his stint as chief white house strategist, Bannon has now elected to become a fulltime shitposter at the age of 64, diving from one septic tank straight into another.

Now, this is not investment advice, but I would recommend that you do not purchase his greasy coins. Sloppy Steve is a sly man and I am sure he will say much to entice gullible buyers, but you must not listen to him. You must not waver. Remember that you have no reason to gift hard earned money to one as fat and foul as he. The shitcoin will only serve to enrich its master, while impoverishing everybody else. That is how it works. Bannon must be desperate to reach this new low, but remember: desperate is dangerous. Especially for a Sith Lord.

Stephen will use his wiles to whisper sweet nothings into your ear, cheeseburger breath hot upon his cold sore riddled lips. He may invite you back to his trash lair for a foot massage, to work his grubby hands up and down your toes, scratching at your soles with untrimmed fingernails. He may take you out to Burger King, offering to split a whopper, but will end up eating the entire thing by himself in a fit of gluttony. He may belch an apology before grinning devilishly, yellow teeth aglimmer, only to produce yet another whopper that had been stored under one of his many rolls of fat. Carefully preserved, he says. Just for you. All you must do is buy his “deplorable coin,” and the meal is yours.

No! Do not be tempted. Reject his advances. You must blot the sinister voice out.

Throw your shoe at him, beat him with a newspaper, spray him with pepper spray, tell him to go the hell home. Do what you must to force the beast into retreat, hissing and howling as he clamors back into to his smelly dumpster den, packing the trash bags tight. There he will remain nestled in hibernation. Lurking. Waiting. Snatching at rats and small children foolish enough to venture near. Until the next interview. Until the next opportunity, to shill his shitcoin.