Sixtus Boniface Rees-Mogg likely to face merciless bullying at local comprehensive

Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg has named his sixth child Sixtus Boniface, seemingly unaware of the nightmare this will inevitably bring him when he joins the local comprehensive.

Rees-Mogg announced the birth on social media but has yet to respond to the accusations of cruelty from those already pitying the child’s future in the state school system.

As one expert in child names told us, “This poor kid has no chance. The Comprehensive school system is a lot like prison, so I don’t think Mr Rees-Mogg has really thought this name through.

“He’ll be surrounded by Toms and Jacks – even the posh kids will only be called George or Harry. Poor Sixtus is doomed to a life of mockery and beatings in the showers. God help him if he’s bad at sports.

“If he wanted him to have an easy time at the local comp he’d have called him Dave, or Simon.

“Maybe this is the plan, and Mr Rees-Mogg thinks a few years of relentless bullying will be character building. I mean, what better preparation for a life in politics than being roundly despised by lots of people from a working class background.”

The local comprehensive said they have yet to receive an application for a place from the Rees-Mogg family, but insisted this is probably a simple oversight on their part.