As most of you know, Cracked.com is actually my night job. My real job is, and has been for the last several years, Chief Editor in Chief at O'Brien & "Sons" Erotic Fiction Publishing House, where I've been overseeing the publishing and distribution of thousands of the most successful Erotic Fiction novels to hit the stands. If you picked up an Erotic Fiction Novel (EroFicNov) over the last decade, chances are it carried the O'Brien & "Sons" label. As you can imagine, a ton of Erotic Fiction Manuscripts (EroFicMan) have come across my desk over the years, some of it great, some of it not so great. To answer some of the questions I get regularly, and to make my job easier, I'm going to list all the important steps to writing great Erotic Fiction, everything that separates the un-publishable from the publishable. Follow these instructions and, in no time, you'll write something so great it'll make The Way of a Man with a Maid look like The Lustful Turk! Be Original, People! I can't tell you how many times I've rejected the same, stale Erotic Fiction premises (EroFicPre). A pizza delivery guy enters and seduces with a housewife. A rich prince sweeps a poor, delicate woman off of her feet and into his bed. A painter is so overcome with the beauty of his model that he abruptly stops his work and romances her/masturbates in front of her. A vampire and the twins from that Harry Potter movie fuck in a cave, somewhere. A stale premise won't get your foot in the door, which is why originality is the single most important part of Erotic Fiction. The Erotic Fiction Community (EroFicCom) is overrun with these premises. Surprise us! Show us something we haven't seen before, or your Erotic Fiction will live at the bottom of the bargain bucket with the rest of the literary world's excrement. It's easy and lazy to say that all of the good premises have been taken. True, the remaining premises don't immediately lend themselves to Erotic Fiction, but with some creativity, I'm confident that you can make anything sexy! At the zoo!