Okay, it’s time for two long hours of Kandi’s wedding. The Bravo Buffoonery continues with Bravo adding two minutes to the DVR in front of the show and two minutes behind. WTF? We begin at the rehearsal dinner and none of the grooms or groomsmen are there. Kandi calls Todd and they argue on the phone while the dinner guests gossip. Kandi looks like a major fool. I’m not sure I can do two hours of this tomfoolery. Mama Joyce and Kandi speak their family language discussing the pre-nup. We need subtitles. Apollo tells Todd this is partly his fault. I’ve said it many times Kandi had no business marrying today. She doesn’t understand that marriage is a partnership. If she doesn’t want to go into a business arrangement with Todd, she had no business marrying him. Marriage is a business deal. Many of Todd’s groomsmen tell Todd not to sign it.

Mama Joyce goes to Kandi’s dad to get him to tell Kandi not to get married without the pre-nup. Mama Joyce is gloating in her talking heads. Todd, you need to run! RUN NOW! Save yourself, Todd! Todd’s mom says they need to due a post-nup and get this stuff straightened out. Todd tells the boys he can’t live without Kandi. Yes you can, Todd. Yes.You.Can.

Todd goes over to the house to fix things with Kandi. Todd says if she fixes the 30 day thing and the will issue then they can move forward. Kandi agrees. Fun fact: Stephanie Casteel was one of Sheree’s lawyers that she used to set up her shell LLC. She had to testify in court that Sheree had some sort of ownership of the Chateau. Stephanie is super nice. I hope she eventually got paid. But I doubt it. Allegedly.

Todd has a 17-year-old daughter? Is this news? I don’t recall knowing this info. Is that his only daughter? I thought he had one closer to Riley’s age. Oh! I think we all thought one of Riley’s play dates was his daughter once. That must be the source of my confusion.

The bridesmaids are getting ready. Tasia brought a back up dress because no one has been fitted by Reco and they still don’t have dresses. Kandi had programs for her wedding. This is a new thing, I reckon. I think my nephew had one at his wedding. I seem to recall the whole foot-washing thing being on there.

Kandi is prettier without make-up in my opinion.

Mama Joyce says exactly what I have been saying. She doesn’t like the Coming to America theme, especially the dance. Kandi loves it. And really, she’s the bride and if it makes her happy that is all that matters. Taste be damned. Mama Joyce says she does not like Kandi being subservient to Todd. Good lord, they have tables set up like a UGA registration day, A-F, G-L etc. And thugs there to take your cell phone if you brought one.

Stephanie Casteel walks in to do a video recording of the pre-nup. It has to be videoed and notarized because Todd is going against his attorney’s advice and because the pre-nup is so lopsided that it will definitely be contested when they divorce. The first thing he has to agree to is that he had enough time to consider the agreement. Then he basically gives up every other right a pre-nup would afford him. This is a horrible idea. What a lovely thing to do on your groom on his wedding day.

Where is Phaedra? It just occurred to me that I did not see her getting her makeup done. That said, I was not really looking at the TV much.

This whole”checking in at the table” thing is bizarre. Who does that? I guess the same person who has a lion in a cage outside the wedding venue. Sigh. Is it over yet?

Apollo orders 9 shots of Don Julio. Um, violation of bond anyone? Let’s hope there are ten of them. Nine shots arrived but two of them had lemon garnish instead of lime. Perhaps those two are actually water. One for Apollo and one for a non drinker? Nope. Apollo had a lime.

Kandi asks Mama Joyce if she did something to upset Kayla. Mama Joyce says she could care less about Kayla. Kandi tells her not to treat a child like that. Mama Joyce says fifty times that she doesn’t have to check her. Riley has to stop here grandmother from yelling. Riley leaves the room in a huff and Kandi cries. Riley calls here Memaw. She goes after Riley who is crying. Mama Joyce apologizes to Riley. Riley ends up having to check Mama Joyce. One of the glam squad calls Mama Joyce to get her bracelet for the something borrowed. Mama Joyce gives it to her and she asks, “Do you want to put it on?” and Mama Joyce says no and storms off. Lovely.

I still haven’t seen Phaedra.

Kayla looks stunning in her dress. Kandi says her two girls look beautiful.

Phinally, Phaedra. with ten pounds of braided Asian lady hair on top of her bald head.

Dear God. To complete the tacky, they are WANDING the guests for weapons. Are you kidding me? How much more ghetto can this wedding get? Will there be red solo cups as the reception? Lawd have mercy. I think I am about to find out. Kandi and her 11-year-old daughter are in short dresses and heels. I have no idea what they are about to do but I’m sure it will be ridiculous. Why is Kandi not in her dress? Sigh. Why did they put Riley in that dress? Such an awful choice. The wedding was supposed to start at 7. Kandi’s middle name is late. Riley is freaking out because it is 7:18 and they are still in the car.

The wedding is now an hour late. Guests have been waiting for an hour and the bridesmaids still don’t have dresses and Kandi is still not in hers. This show makes Kandi look like such an asshole. I have no idea why she agreed to do this show. Oh wait, money. I wonder if Todd got paid for this show?

Q Parker singing Everyone Shouldn’t Have a Say in Our Love was the best part. The man has some pipes. Todd looks super happy, bless his naïve heart. As Phaedra and Apollo walk down the aisle, Apollo says “I love you” and Phaedra says, “I love you too!” and since they are not in a church, God let’s it slide and does not send a lightning bolt.

Kandi actually walks down the aisle to the Queen to Be Song from Coming to America. I. Can’t. Wait, she actually only walked out to that. Then the African dance thing happened. I actually like the dance. The dancers were fabulous. Phaedra liked it to especially the “jolly black giant” who apparently had quite the package.

Oh noe, Todd is crying. I feel even worse for him now. Lot’s of people are emotional. Except for Kandi. WTF? Kandi cries on every reunion. But not even misty at her own wedding? It seems to be more of an event than a wedding in her eyes. It’s not too late to run, Todd. Lawd I hope my source was right and the real wedding was in Cancun and this is all just a paycheck.

During the “I do” parts Kandi doesn’t even glance at Todd. But he keeps trying to say his vows to her. #heartbreak. He is crying and she is grinning. No product placement by Bravo on the expensive rings. I reckon Kandi paid for them and has a clause in the pre-nup that she gets his back. Kandi gave Kayla a ring and Todd gave Riley a ring symbolizing the joining of the families. Todd’s part was way more touching. Kandi finally breaks and cries. I think maybe she was just trying to hold it together.

Oh look, it is She by Sheree. posing with Cynthia. Cynthia is about to have a nip slip in that dress. Not her best look. ( I just paused to see if there was a Fashion Queens tonight. There is not. I would have actually DVRed that. #BravoFail) I’m also disappointed Sheree did not wear a bagel on her head. #pity Chef Roble was there too. I used to like him but he is Sofa King racist. Allegedly.

Porsha asks her sister if she say the tigers at the front. Sis says,”I think they were lions.” Is this shit real? Because I’ve watched a bit of Porsha on Dish Nation and she is actually very good as a DJ on camera. Things that make you go..hmmmm.

Kandi starts domming Todd at the reception, “Don’t get drunk!” She also caved to peer pressure and bought herself a new engagement ring. She just keeps looking worse. Big Tigger MCed the reception! (He’s a big time radio jockey in Atlanta). Flash to Miss Lawrence and Sheree. Sheree has some crap weave going on there, Miss Lawrence. #FixItJesus

Cynthia and Peter make out during the couples first dance. Kandi’s butt is Todd’s butt, but Kandi’s money is not Todd’s money. /eyeroll Derek J and Miss Lawrence jabber about the fashion as Sheree tries to look relevant.

Fantasia was all over the Internet for her bizarre long toast. But that was not shown. But Derek J drags Mama Joyce up to give a toast. Mama Joyce gives a sweet toast. I could swear I saw Sherri Shepherd there dancing with another man. Y’all know my facial recognition skills are off but on my DVR it is at the 1:23 mark. And that ain’t Sal she is dancing with. Maybe it’s Weenie? I am so bad with faces.

Kandi’s comments about her wedding, “This is the best party I have ever been to.” No doubt she got married in Mexico.

Bell Biv Devoe!!!!!

Porsha did not catch the bouquet. She was butt hurt. Because she’ been divorced for five minutes and it’s on to the next.

Thank God it is over.

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