GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homosexuality. “Look, we tried to raise Henry right, and we’re very supportive of his sexual orientation, but as long as he can’t make a car payment on his own and spends all his time playing strategy board games with his friends, we will never be able to accept him back into our family,” said Susan Lindegaard, who said that she felt physically ill and had to leave the room when her son broke the news to her that he was living in a cramped two-bedroom apartment with three other roommates and that he was thinking of starting his own T-shirt printing business on the side. “Henry is welcome to bring whoever he loves to this house, but I will not let him walk in the door with that Quiznos uniform on him. How is he not ashamed to be seen in public like that? He has no idea how much that hurts us.” According to sources, after envisioning her son recording his own understated synthesizer-based music on an old four-track in his bedroom, Lindegaard broke down in tears and asked God what she had done for her child to turn out like this.

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