ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Against his will, the curator at Brisbane’s Woolloongabba Cricket Ground has dropped in a section of nearby Vulture Street into the pitch after the powerful Victorian Football lobby demanded it.

Cricket, which once-upon-a-time featured pitches with had their own distinct characteristics from ground to ground, has suffered the indignity of being lectured by a Victorian in recent years which has seen every major cricket ground in the country abandon the year-round pitch in favour for one that’s simply dropped in sometime during spring.

And as Australia has picked a strong pace attack for tomorrow’s first Test against Pakistan, the pressure was on the Gabba’s chief grass snipper to come up with something that’ll secure a home victory.

An assistant groundsman at the Gabba, who asked to remain anonymous, spoke briefly to The Advocate about the pitch (which is illegal and heavily frowned up) and why Victoria should learn to tolerate the rest of us like we’ve learned to tolerate it.

“We went out last night with the saws and chopped a section out of Vulture Street and dropped it in this morning,” he said.

“Not that we wanted to. But it should net a good result for Australia. Flat track bully David Warner is in dire need of bulk runs. This pitch has less life in it than The Duke of Edinburgh so he should be smacking the Pakistani spinners around the ground all day tomorrow,”

“There’s no turn in it, either, so spinners will effectively become medium pace bowlers. This is the reality of cricket now and it’s all the VFL’s fault. She should start wearing kneepads and gloves if they’re that scared of being tackled on the pitch.”

The first Test against Pakistan starts tomorrow in Brisbane and will be screened live on Channel 7 between ads for shit you don’t need.

More to come.



