ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

In an attempt to make the next generation of Australian cricketers have a competitive edge, backyard favourite ‘Swing King’ have announced plans to introduce a “DIY Swing King” to the market this spring.

The Swing King Pack ships with a replica yellow sandpaper sheet, a stick of Watermelon Splash lip balm and a small vial of Wasim Akram’s armpit sweat.

Akram, widely-credited as the greatest bowler of swing in the modern game, was said to have had the ability to get the ball reversing way, way before anyone else in the game could.

Recently, he shared his secret with the world.

“You need to cover the rough side of the ball in sweat and spit. The extra weight of the moisture on that side of the ball causes it to reverse. That and if you’ve got a man at cover with more balm on his lips than a windburnt farmer, you can get the nut to pull the opposite site very quickly,” said Wasim.

“Which is why I’ve given my personal sign off to this new DIY Swing King. Youngsters need to learn how to condition a ball for reverse and conventional swing.”

Wasim has also included detailed instructions on how to achieve his ‘God-like’ ability to swing the ball ‘legally’ and ‘within the spirit of the game.’

A controversial, late inclusion to the kit was the sandpaper.

One vocal opponent of the sandpaper and the kit, in general, is outgoing Cricket Australia boss, James Sutherland, who said teaching kids how to ‘quite obviously tamper a ball’ isn’t something he’d support.

However, as he’s outgoing, our editorial policy dictates that his opinion on the future of the game has now become invalid.

In Justin We Trust.

More to come.