Flaccid Jazz

Phil: Is that really how I held a machete? I feel like I would hold it differently--more progressively.





Me: More progressively?





Phil: Yeah, I'd put my own flair to it. Maybe I'd even turn off its audio track and do the sound effects myself.





Me: The sound of the machete cutting through...air?





Phil: Yeah, you know, the shwing shwing shwang. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Would you play that take back for me?





Me: Um, I wasn't recording?





Phil: Bugger, that's alright--I'll just record it later.





Me: For what purpose? Are you going to re-record the Foley and sound effects for Waterworld?





Phil: What? No, that would be a ridiculous waste of time. I'll just make another Waterworld and record the Foley and sound effects and soundtrack. Waterworld, I'm in a world of water, the sharpness of my blade is pulling you under, underneath the water in this world. Mmm, that felt fantastic--would you play that back for me?





Me: Phil, I'm still not recording.





Phil: Bugger.





Me: Are you aware of the fact that that character died at the end of Waterworld?





Phil: (laughs) Are you aware of how many 'farewell tours' I've been on?





Me: Phil, I don't think that was you in Waterworld.





Phil: Well I'd better go to...where do you suppose people buy machetes?





Me: Phil, I really don't...maybe Walmart?





And then he walked right on out of the small room in which my teeth had just been cleaned. My dentist, Dr Nomura, then entered.





Nomura: (sniffing the air) Was Phil Collins in here?





Me: Yeah, he just walked in and showed me a picture of the antagonist from Waterworld.





Nomura: (yelling to his staff) Phil Collins got in again, and he's learned how to get past the new traps!