Some of you might be thinking, incredulously, “Why is she watching that version and not the original version?!” Well, mainly because this is the version I’d see on the Saturday monster matinée. Growing up in Los Angeles, when we couldn’t afford cable, independent channels were your go-to place to watch movies like this: KTLA Channel 5, KHJ-TV Channel 9, and KCOP Channel 13. Those of you who grew up in LA in the early 80s know what I’m talking about. Those channels were a lifeline; a direct conduit to all kinds of science fiction and horror films. Seriously, I cannot tell you how many times I saw Joe Dante’s Piranha on Channel 9.

So, yes, you’re right. This version of Godzilla totally sanitizes the original. It takes the original Japanese film and inserts a bunch of footage that totally skewers it to American audiences. They did it to make it more palatable to the U.S. market. I get that. Gojira (1954) is an important film, to be sure. That film deserves a serious discussion about its themes.

My column is not that forum.

The film opens on a devastated portion of a city. Steve Martin (Raymond Burr), an American reporter, happens to be in Tokyo on a “social call”. We meet him on his way to hospital. He’s been injured in a building collapse. Scores of other people are hurt, as well. In a voice over, Martin informs us of the horror he has witnessed. While lying on the floor of a hospital corridor, he randomly shouts out the name “Emiko!” and a woman appears. His “social call”, perhaps? He proceeds to tell us the whole original Gojira, in a flashback. The movie doesn’t even bother to translate or subtitle the people speaking in Japanese, they just have Martin ask things like “What are they saying?” or “Ha Ha, I’m afraid my Japanese is a little rusty.” This, of course, is the lazy way of telling us what has happened.