Today’s films are useless, says Mr. Mathrubootham

Respected Sir/Madam,

I would like to share some latest good news with you today. But first I will tell one tragedy story.

Already you are thinking, “Fed up of this old man, even when there is good news he will start with complaints.”

You mind your words Mr./ Mrs. Hindu Editor. Today you are national newspaper and all. But tomorrow morning you become wrapper for onion-bajji seller downstairs. What you young people in air-conditioned room know about tragedy? Look at your useless films.

These days all films are of two types only. Either it is full and full realistic story about miserable daily life. With some name like Tiffinbox, Raincoat, Alwarpet, Water Bottle, Remote Control, Diabetes, Talcum Powder, Guindy, Voltage Stabilizer, Petrol Pump.

Mrs. Mathrubootham will come and say, “Old man, very realistic film Cough Syrup is coming let us go and watch.” After crying for three hours I will say Kamalam if you want to see people suffering and suffering and dying you just switch on TV news channel no? It is free, 24 hours available, no time waste songs, and no romancing couples sitting nearby doing gymnastics.

Old man, you also romance in theatre no, who is stopping you?

Your tricks and all I know Kamalam Mathrubootham, in the darkness you can pretend I am your favourite Madhavan? Ha ha ha, she will laugh so much that coconut automatically starts falling from nearby trees. Whether you have seen his gym body photo, old man? You look like family pack of pillows.

Since that day she is calling me Powercut Madhavan.

Second type of film is complete opposite. Totally unbelievable. Man will turn into robot that will turn into fly that will go into space and destroy alien and then come back to earth but suddenly twist, he is killed by Kattappa. Now wait two years for explanation.

Total and utter nonsense.

Back in my youth, every film was mix of action, suspense, comedy, reality. And tragedy was compulsory. In fact, films used to start with picture of statue holding globe, picture of god, disco music, and then tragedy. First scene itself villain will come and burn the house, kill the family, steal the dog, and only small child will escape who will become hero. In fact in the movie hall I used to tell villain to do more and more horrible things. Because then there will be more and more revenge afterwards.

I am glad to inform that same type of revenge story is happening to me. Sir/ Madam, in the year 1999, my bank said Mr. Mathrubootham we are doing some emergency training in computers for our best staff members. Please prepare your passport, we are doing Singapore business trip for two days.

Immediately I got passport, visa, one suit, export quality shoes, and new frame for my spectacles. Then just three days before the trip, it was cancelled because of management change in the company. Due to humiliation, I took sick leave for one week.

Sir/ Madam, for the next 17 years my passport has been sitting inside small safe, inside locked secret compartment, inside Godrej almirah. Every morning when I am putting aftershave lotion I will look at the secret compartment and my blood pressure will go to 300. Whenever I give passport to Xerox shop for photocopy, stupid boy will ask, “Uncle if you are not using give it to me no, ha ha ha.” I will also laugh and then give him 25 paisa tip, now who is laughing.

Now the tragedy is finished. Our new Singapore visas came this morning. Myself and Mrs. Mathrubootham are leaving for Singapore day after tomorrow. We will spend two weeks there with her sister’s family.

Finally, justice has been done to Mr. Mathrubootham. The End.

Yours in imminent departure,

Mr. J. Mathrubootham