Valentine’s Day is upon us. For those lucky enough to be betrothed this February, that means sitting in packed restaurants, in close enough proximity to other couples that you can smell their overpriced red wine jus. This experience, although unenviable, pales in comparison to the experience of those trying to get over a former lover on Valentine’s Day.

For those suffering from a serious case of the ex, Valentine’s Day is like an obstacle course. You have to dodge those smug, happy couples; try not to commit crimes against them; and go to bed wondering if you will die alone.

Unfortunately, there are no over-the-counter remedies for this affliction. You could be find mature ways to deal with it – but who wants to do that? Instead, why not follow this handy little guide, which is petty enough to guarantee you will feel better.

Turn your ex into a cockroach and feed them to animals at the zoo

This Valentine’s Day, the San Antonio Zoo in Texas is offering up a sweet dose of fantasy to scorned ex-lovers. For just $5 you can name a cockroach after your ex and watch it get eaten, or for $25 you can treat them like the rat that they are by naming a frozen rodent after them and watching it get fed to a reptile.

Why watch love go out in a burst of flames when you can watch it go down an animal’s throat instead?

Send them lots of glitter

Exes are a lot like the glitter from Coachella you find in your belly button eight months after the fact: it felt like a good idea at the time but now you’re wondering how something so small could end up being so annoying, and whether you will ever truly be rid of it.

Why not give your ex a taste of that fun feeling by sending them a glitter bomb?

Nothing says closure like knowing your ex won’t be able to stop thinking about you for at least as long as it takes to get rid of the stuff.

Put a hex on them

Sometimes, with matters of the heart, it’s best to consult a witch. In the modern day, that means Google, where you can find a person who will curse your ex for you. All you have to do is to send them a photo of your ex and they will send back a voodoo doll representing said ex, with a different juju on each of their limbs.

Here’s hoping that these aren’t proper, dangerous ones, but something more palatable. Like a curse that ensures the next person your ex kisses is carrying a minor but highly contagious virus.

Fill their inbox with spam

You know that saying, hell hath no fury like a person who’s had their inbox spammed? Well, it’s not actually a saying but it should be. Spam is the second-most annoying thing in the world after glitter, and luckily there are services that will fill your ex’s inbox up with spam for you (including one that sends cat spam). Naturally we would not recommend using such services, because they are probably in breach of data protection laws. But it’s the thought that counts.

One thing before you go …

Truthfully, if you are looking to divine intervention, zookeepers and/or the Guardian to help you get over your ex, you probably need to do none of the above, and instead just give it some time. Good luck!