A look at some of the signature elements that not only make Suspiria a classic but would be nearly impossible to reproduce

News that the star of iconic Italian director Dario Argento’s 1977 surrealist shock masterpiece Suspiria, American actress Jessica Harper (Phantom of the Paradise), is currently in Berlin shooting scenes in director Luca Guadagnino’s remake, stirs mixed feelings in fans anew. Remakes of franchise films are fine. Remounts of classics whose themes and ideas are ripe for a contemporary update, sure, no problem there either.

But Suspiria? A remake? No matter how chill this writer is about the march of time and the commercial side of cinema, the idea of a remake of the most avant garde of European fever dreams seems strange.

The remake stars Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick-Ass, The Equalizer, Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising), Dakota Johnson (Fifty Shades of Grey) and Tilda Swinton (Only Lovers Left Alive) and we’re led to believe that this new version will once more tell the tale of a dance student whose school is a covert coven of witches, but with an added maternal twist.

“The film by Dario Argento was a very indicative moment of growing up for me because I saw it when I was 14,” Guadagnino has said. “I think it changed me forever. I was obsessed [with Argento] through all my adolescence. [My version] is going to be set in Berlin in 1977. Its going to be about the mother and the concept of motherhood and about the uncompromising force of motherhood. Its going to be about finding your inner voice  the title is very evocative on these grounds.”

Okay, Luca, sure. But remake Suspiria?! Why not call it something else? Why set yourself up for such scrutiny?

Since I’m in a whiny mood and I JUST finished re-watching Argento’s masterpiece last night, I isolated 8 reasons why no matter WHAT Guadagino’s new film is, it can NEVER really, truly be… Suspiria.