Dear Leader is displeased. By royal decree, all information that displeases his excellency shall hereby be considered rigged. Following a spate of polls that show his approval ratings are at record lows for a new president and the news that four in 10 Americans support his impeachment, Supreme Commander of the Swamp Drainers' Party Donald J. Trump has declared all such intelligence to be invalidated.

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Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want border security and extreme vetting. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017

Experts on the American regime indicate the move is part of a longstanding campaign by the People's President to malign and discredit his detractors, who are opposed to the reinstatement of American greatness. It is, however, a change in tone, as the president now directly claims, as a child might, that all information critical of him is not just unfair—it doesn't actually exist.

Trump clarified how he gets information and makes decisions:

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I call my own shots, largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it. Some FAKE NEWS media, in order to marginalize, lies! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 6, 2017

Sources close to the Supreme Commander report his data indicates he enjoys the support of 147 percent of the American people, the biggest mandate for a leader's agenda since William the Conquerer's straw poll of the English in 1066.

Jack Holmes Politics Editor Jack Holmes is the Politics Editor at Esquire, where he writes daily and edits the Politics Blog with Charles P Pierce.

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