Waking up wasn’t the most pleasant experience after death. It felt, perhaps, like the worst hangover one could ever possibly imagine. Tyler was cloudy headed and bright light filtered through his eyelids.

“Aha! He’s up! He’s up” There was an excited voice from behind him panting.

Tyler opened his eyes as much as he could. He was laid on some sort of cushion–seemingly baseless.

“Let me see him then,” came another, British voice.

The room too, was a dazzling white and there was nothing within it to speak of.

Just then, Tyler heard a patter and a creature jumped up to where he was laying.

It was his childhood bulldog, Maximus, who died 10 years earlier.

“Max? Wha–” Tyler exclaimed.

The dog licked his face and slobbered all over the young man.

“I’ve been waiting here for 10 years like a good boy!” The dog was hopping and leaping around.

Tyler tried to speak but struggled for words.

Just then he felt a rustling on his head and something fell onto his chest.

There, rising and falling with each of the young, dead man’s breaths was a bespectacled hamster in a pork pie hat.

“Ah. Good. Right. Awake. I see, well,” the black and grey Syrian hamster quietly cleared it’s throat. “Well as you know, you’re dead–“

“Godzilla!?” Blurted Tyler.

“Yes. That’s good, your memory is coming back,” the hamster responded matter of factly. “But please…I would prefer if you called me ‘Mr. Zilla’.”

“Am I, is this, I have no idea-“

“Well if you would stop interrupting me then perhaps I could clear those concerns up for you, hmm?”

Tyler was gobsmacked. His first hamster was talking to him like a university professor. He couldn’t process anything but presently figured Godzilla knew more than he did.

“I-I suppose.” Bleated Tyler.

Godzilla the hamster cleared his tiny throat once more and began, “Well after your…strange incident-“

“Yeah, why did you hang yourself? And why were you naked?” Max the bulldog asked impatiently.

In other circumstances Tyler would have been mortified however up until now the situation was so mindbogglingly peculiar that it was hard to do anything but wonder.

The hamster was visibly irked. “As I was saying, after your suicide your soul was brought up here to be processed.”

“P-Processed!? So what, this is heaven, huh?” Asked Tyler.

Maximus interrupted again, licking his former owner’s face, “We’ve been waiting for so-o long!”

“Now Max,” Godzilla snapped, “All in good time, I know you’re excited but go sit.”

Max sat down mechanically next to the bed.

Godzilla chuckled. “This most certainly is what you would call ‘heaven’ but perhaps now is the time to redefine the word. Let’s call it your…” The hamster paused visibly gnawing his words. “…Let’s call it your second life.”

Tyler didn’t know how to feel, butterflies were trying to break out of his stomach. He hadn’t spent much of his short time on planet Earth thinking about the possibility of an afterlife, but now that it was stood there before him, in the form of a small rodent…he just, normalised it. There was little else to be done.

“O.K. well that doesn’t seem too bad. I mean is this it? I mean…do I just stay here in this…” He stopped to take in his surroundings, “…room, with you guys?”

A chorus of soft laughing began behind him. He tried to turn around but could see nothing for the bedstead.

“What-Who was that?” Tyler asked frantically.

“Calm yourself boy,” the hamster began once more. “You see, that’s almost it. You are indeed in the afterlife but it might not be as you imagined it.”

“I didn’t really, well…yes, apparently so,” replied Tyler.

“I have someone I’d like you to meet, Tyler. If you’re ready of course.” Said the hamster.

“God?”

There was another giggle of laughter from behind him.

An unfamiliar voice spoke, “O.K. enough mollycoddling. Turn him around!” It said authoritatively.

No sooner was it said, the giant cushion began rotating.

Slowly but surely Tyler began to see a hoard of creatures padding and pottering around, a multitude of; dogs, lizards, fish and even a…tiger. Some were looking at him but most minding their own business.

“W-what is this Goddy?” Tyler asked shakily.

“Ahem. Mr Zilla if you please.” Said the hamster. “And this Tyler, is every beast, every canine, feline, amphibian, insect and everything in between who has ever fallen into your care. Including myself, and of course Maximus– who couldn’t wait to see you.”

The dog jumped up onto the bed, faithfully guarding the young man at his feet.

“And…what are they doing here Go-…Mr. Zilla?”

The hamster climbed onto Tyler’s shoulder

“That’s where it gets a bit more interesting you see, up here, you will be under our care,” he stated gesturing to the crowd.

There was nothing about this in the bible, or any so-called scripture he could think of. Tyler scrunched up his face, leaving his forehead creased.

Mr. Zilla saw his former owner’s confusion and broke the silence.

“I know this is…not what you may have been expecting but that is the way it is, I suppose it’s God showing off His sense of humour again you know; Cancer, unwanted pregnancy, wanted pregnancies that end up in miscarriage…” the hamster went on listing the things he found funny in our world, telling more about his veiled sadism than God Himself. “…and now this little irony.”

“You know a lot for a hamster,” Tyler wasn’t smart, and didn’t know how to respond.

“I didn’t used to. But since I died from dehydration after your stupid mother left my cage next to a radiator in the depth of winter, I simply woke up and…knew.”

“But I don’t feel any different. And I just died.”

“And why would you? We get this gift, you had your whole life to gain knowledge, it would appear as though you wasted that, though.”

Tyler’s stomach fell. “So what happens now?” he inquired.

He didn’t enjoy Mr. Zilla’s tone and was growing inpatient by the minute.

“I wouldn’t think too much about it, Tyler. It is just as I said, we the beasts will now take care of you as you did us,” the small creature paced across his chest. “That means we will be responsible for your food, water, shelter and anything else you could possibly need; cleaning you up for example.”

That didn’t seem too bad, thought Tyler. Better than any alternative. He looked around. There were lots of animals, big and small, he didn’t recall ever owning them all but they seemed friendly enough, and he felt there was nothing to worry about.

“Now,” continued Godzilla. “You were a good boy, I mean of course you had your tantrums and perhaps watched too much porn-“

“Hey!” Protested Tyler. “I was a teenager!-“

“…At 24, ri-ight,” Mr. Zilla rolled his tiny eyes condescendingl . “Anyway you weren’t necessarily a bad person at all, you certainly treated me well. I mean…well enough for someone who imprisoned me in a 50cm squared plastic prison next to a hot radiator until I died, parched and gagging for water.”

“You never complained!”

“Oh really!? You don’t call ‘hanging upside down doing acrobatics trying to tactfully open the latch and escape’ …complaining?”

Tyler pondered this when the hamster took a small, deep breath, regaining himself, he had a job to do.

“Alas. No matter. You weren’t to know, and besides I always had enough monkey nuts so I suppose you did okay. Max seems to like you, although he literally likes sticks so I’m not sure how valuable his opinion is.” The hamster looked at him earnestly. “I think you will be fine here, of course I can’t speak for everyone,” the hamster looked away to the other pets.

Just then, a snow white tiger slinked out of the crowd. It stopped in from of them and bowed at Tyler regally.

“I want to thank you,” it spoke slowly in a deep rumble.

“I have no idea who you are.” Tyler said bluntly.

“I was trapped by vicious steel cables, dying when they rescued me. I was going to be a victim of wildlife crime, many tigers are sold for profit, you know?” The tiger looked away and a tear crept out of the corner of it’s majestic eye. “You texted PROTECT1 to 700021 and donated just three pounds a month keep me safe and pay for the things I needed at the sanctuary.”

Tyler vaguely recalled an ex girlfriend of his having signed up to some stupid anti poaching charity. At this point though, even with his strong dislike of felines, he thought it best to play along.

“Well, you’re welcome, I am glad I could help.”

The tiger grinned visibly and backed away still bowing before she disappeared into the crowd.

Godzilla turned to look at him once more and said, “Well that was lovely wasn’t it? See I told you everything wou-“

He was cut off when a large, white, long haired cat appeared from no where to jump on the bed.

“Liar,” the female cat hissed at him.

Max began to growl and bare his teeth. Just like Tyler, he hated cats.

The cat strutted up the bed and swooped into Tyler’s face, “How dare you lie to my family, not only my family but such a majestic creature offering their gratitude for something you didn’t even do.” It hissed again, “I hate poor liars.”

“Oh God.” Stated Tyler.

“Oh God, indeed. Tyler the animal lover, who donates to all sorts of charities, wow, a real saint, what a guy!” The cat got even closer to his face. “How…bloody…magnanimous…of…you.”

The young man knew exactly who this cat was, it was Silvia and she belonged to his ex girlfriend. He and the cat had a…patchy history, to put it nicely.

“I know your little secret, Ty.”

The cat turned around and shook her bottom, stroking his face softly with her tail.

“They should know!” She said in a purposely raised voice. A couple of animals turned to pay attention. “They should know how you really are, how you abused me.”

There was a collective sound of shock in the room and most of the animals gathered around the bed, watching the young boy and his entourage. Tyler’s heart began to beat faster and he felt like he needed to get out of there.

“Wh-what are you talking about, Silvia? Me and you had great times,” he chuckled awkwardly, palms sweating.

“Oh yeah, we had great times, remember the garden? I really loved that hose, especially when you sprayed me of the wall with it,” the cat hissed. “I was minding my own business, sunbathing, sleeping, you know? Cat stuff. When out of nowhere came this horrible stream of ice cold water.”

“I’m sorry, but if I’m watering the grass and you get in the way it’s your own fault.” Tyler said defensively. He was losing his patience and this cat was not helping his case.

There was silence in the room as a jet of water materialised above Tyler, and fell heavily, soaking the him from head to toe.

“Hey!”

“I’m sorry,” Silvia said. “I suppose you just ‘got in the way.'”

“You’re a bitch.” Replied Tyler, quickly realising this was a faux -pas.

There was a chorus of shocked grunts and snorts and from somewhere in the crowd came a shout, “Hey I’m a bitch! What’s wrong with bitches?”

“No, I mean,” Tyler sighed audibly. “It doesn’t mean the same thing in the human world, well…it does…it just…” Tyler was tripping over his words now. He took a breath and tried to ground himself. “Listen, I’m a good person, or I think I am but this cat right here…” he gestured to the cat who was staring at him. “This cat is not friendly, she’s cruel, deceitful, and selfish. She pretended to be my friend because she wanted food and would go on to scratch me all night…I could continue but what’s the point? Just don’t trust her and take everything she says with a spoon of salt.”

“Ha…ha…ha.” The cat said facetiously turning. “Friends…” she looked ironically to the birds, “…and family.” This time looking at the other felines including the tiger. “This biped has the audacity to call me deceitful, and cruel – which perhaps is true – but he lies between his teeth to your faces, is that the sort of person we want?”

Silence.

“Yes. He lied to my cousin and lied to you all,” the cat hopped off the bed gracefully and paraded in front of the animals. “Where is the tiger!? Baghini show yourself!”

At this the tiger roared and pounced out of the crowd.

“What do you want from me, now Silvia,” the tiger bared her teeth.

“Oh Baggy-“

“My name, is Baghini, you waste of evolution.”

“Nice to see you too, cousin.” Replied Silvia. “I saw you were cosying up to our new, old friend here and I wanted to introduce you seeing as though, I lived with him and you were just a…pen pal.”

“What is the meaning of this, housecat? Why have you disturbed me from my eternal slumber?”

“Well the young man might not be as kind as they say.”

Tyler’s heart was beginning to beat uncontrollably, he could feel the eyes of every animal in the room on him, he did not intend to spend eternity being torn to shreds by a Bengal tiger because of his ex girlfriend’s cat. He began to protest but Silvia scratched his lip leaving it bloody. Maxmillian dived toward the cat jaws gnashing. The crowd of animals started howling and squeaking in unison.

Mr Zilla crawled down Tyler’s body and made an attempt to sooth the disgruntled lot, “Now now everyone, this is not how it will be done! Calm yourselves!”

Silvia gracefully sprang up onto a table and said, “Fellow beasts, I am not your enemy. I did not spend years as your jailer, I did not lie to your faces, I –“

“Enough beating around the bush cat, get on with it!” Came a voice from the crowd.

“All right then, well despite what many of you might think Tyler is no hero. He is no champion to the wildlife, large and small. In fact he is just like every other human, he lied to Baghini,” the cat looked at the tiger. “And he lied to you all.”

“What is the meaning of this?” Asked the tiger.

“How could you be so naive, my elderly cousin?” Silvia asked, pottering around Baghini’s trunk-like legs. “You of all people have little reason to trust man, how many years did you have to stalk in the shadows? Hiding your beauty lest your skin be dragged from your bones?”

Baghini looked at the floor pensively.

Silvia continued, “You really believe that this loser -who values nothing, not even his own life- would help you?“

“But he did, he saved me, the shelter would not have been able to sustain me without his three pounds a month.”

The smaller cat chuckled facetiously and said, “But he didn’t give you anything, take a look at this.”

At that moment some sort of nebulous mirror appeared over Tyler. There were splatters of colour and light, they flitted and danced around before binding into a decipherable image. The mirror showed Tyler’s old apartment, his girlfriend Mel was sat there on the sofa but he was no where to be seen.

An animal welfare advert on the screen and Mel looked up, then there was a desperate looking black and white tiger, whining and having her bloodied paw removed from the jaws of a steel trap. The advert pleaded that the viewers donate ‘just £3 a month to help the tiger.’ With teary eyes, Mel grabbed a phone off the table — Tyler’s old, crappy, brick. Without a moments hesitation she text the code and that was that, she went back to watching Jersey Shore.

The mirror disappeared and silence took over the room, all the squeaking and hissing stopped and you could chew the air. He could feel the heat of every eye in the room upon him. Even Max had jumped off his bed.

Baghini approached him, millions of years of ferocious evolution stood breathing sticky air in his face.

She bared her teeth and said, “You lied to me, you have dishonored me and now you will have to pay.”

Tyler’s heart beat like a drum, “I’m so sorry.”

“Kill him!” Came a voice from the crowd.

“Unfortunately we can’t kill him,” said Silvia. “But that doesn’t mean he can’t pay for his crimes against us. Perhaps you,” Silvia looked at him in the eye. “Should feel the pain that my poor cousin did, the pain that you make such a mockery of.”

A sparkling steel bear trap materialised and clunked at the side of the bed.

Tyler couldn’t clasp a breath. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to run but where would he go? And how far would he get before one of these apex predators chomped his leg?

WOOF. WOOF. A thunderous bark shook the whole room and the animals jumped and cowered in unison.

“Ah shit,” said Silvia. “I knew he would ruin the party.”

The sound of pads padding and nails clacking grew closer and the group parted like The Red Sea. Out of the crowd came a new creature, a colossal, black Newfoundland. With kind, diamond eyes. Tyler hadn’t seen this dog in many years. It was as tall as Tyler was -sitting on the bed- he approached him and gave the young man a moist kiss on the cheek.

He spoke in a deep, quiet voice which rasped, “Ah young Tyler. Little did I know we would be seeing each other so soon.”

“What are you doing here, BANJO!?” Spat Silvia coming between the two.

“Taking over!” Boomed the dog, turning his mountainous head towards Silvia who dove out of the way of his salivating gums. “You are not fit for purpose. Pretending like you are the voice of reason and manipulating these innocent animals.”

“And you are, bumbling oaf. What do you know of this stupid boy?”

“I heard everything,” he said. “But who are we to judge man?”

“Is that not what we’re here for!” Shouted a parrot circling above.

“Perhaps,” said Banjo, “But what do we know of his plight? And how many of us here did he really harm? Maybe he did not help Baghini, but he certainly helped me, if it wasn’t for Tyler I wouldn’t have lived the life I did.”

Godzilla pottered to the end of Tyler’s foot and said, “Stop mincing your words, Banjo! Tell us what you have to say and we can get on with it.”

Banjo sat down with a fluffy thud, scattering the critters below him, he took a deep breath and began his story, “Well, I used to be a working dog you see, the kind who would follow my owner around with various bits and bobs strapped to my back; tools and food for the day. That was my duty, and I was good at it too!” His eyes lit up. “I would follow my human around faithfully from the break of dawn until the twinkle of the the morning star began to shine on an evening, through the sweltering summers and frosty winters I did my job. But one day,” the light in his eyes was quenched, “I became very sick, I began my morning routine as usual, bringing the farmhands their breakfast and I just fell, I couldn’t walk anymore. I tried fruitlessly to stand up but the weight was too much and at that…my owner decided there was no more use for me, he drove me miles and miles to the edge of the forest and left me there. Of course I didn’t know what was happening, I tried to go home but my legs would not work, and I fell.”

“Typical humans!” Said Silvia. “My owner would never have done such–“

“Silence cat! I was not finished!” He barked. “And Tyler picked me up again. He was driving through the forest and saw me, I was at death’s door, and he somehow managed to get me up and bring me home.”

Banjo looked at Tyler.

“You brought me home, and fed me, and loved me like no one had ever done before, you treated me like your own family and if it wasn’t for you, I would never have found my forever home so I thank you. You are a kind man.”

The bubbling fear which had been brewing in Tyler’s stomach was suddenly released, the twisted knot of self-hate he had felt before his suicide became undone and for the first time in years he felt joy.

Tyler stuttered, “I-I couldn’t leave you there of course not.”

“And that’s what makes the difference,” said Banjo turning to the cats. “He didn’t save your life Baghini, but I know he would if he had the chance, and yes he probably did spray you with a hose Silvia and you probably deserved it you spiteful thing.”

Banjo faced the audience of enthralled beasts, “If we dwell on the negatives then of course this man will look like the devil himself but let me ask you this, who among us has something good to say about Tyler?”

Silence filled the room.

“Come on now, speak up, this is eternity we’re talking about here!”

A dirty white pigeon flew out of the group, “Well he used to feed me, every morning! Saved me looking elsewhere I suppose.”

“Oh you too!?” Quacked a duck from behind. “Yes he fed us every evening without fail, sometimes we used to watch him cry by the lake, I tried to ask him what was wrong but he would shoo us away, hmph.”

“Well he was entitled to his privacy but yes, that’s a start!” Banjo said. “Any one else? Hey what is tha–“

A large turtle squeezed itself from under the dog.

“I hope I’m not late,” it croaked slowly. “I had been making my way over here since the boy arrived but…I’m…a little…–“

“–…slow,” interrupted Godzilla the hamster. “We get it now continue.”

“Well if this big guy wouldn’t have sat on me.” The crinkled amphibian complained. “Tyler could have ran me over with his truck when I was crossing the road but instead he stopped and picked me up.”

“Yeah and you bit me!”

“Well I didn’t really understand at the time, imagine if you were walking down the street and someone just lifted you up 5 stories high.”

Tyler never thought of it that way.

“Anyway,” the turtle continued. “Thanks for…not…killing me.” He said disappearing back under Banjo’s thick coat.

“Well,” said Banjo the dog. “It would appear as though the tide is changing.” He cast darts at Silvia who was evidently seething from the sudden change in mood.

“If he’s not good to one of us then he’s not good to all of us!” Shrieked Silvia in a vein attempt to be right.

The room was silent, then someone shouted, “Shut up Silvia!”

Banjo spoke again, “How often have you shown kindness to your fellow animals, Silvia?” He asked.

“Don’t you dare you big oaf! That’s not what we’re here for! I’m not the one on trial.”

“Let’s just take a look, shall we?” Asked Banjo.

The mysterious mirror appeared again and displayed Silvia eating a large salmon in the garden. A scatty looking, emaciated tabby cat hopped off the wall and meowed, in an effort to get some of the delicious fish. Silvia hissed and scratched the stray, leaving a bloody wound on it’s face and forcing the strange cat to leave.

“Hm.” Said Banjo, “Or perhaps…”

Another image came on the screen, this time Silvia was stalking a birds nest when she pounced and killed a Red Robin hatchling in one fierce swipe of her sharpened claws.

A collective sound of shock emanated from the onlooking creatures.

Banjo turned slowly to Silvia and said, “That was Robin’s baby, what do you think if we ask Robin what your fate ought to be?”

A chubby, scarlet Bird landed on Banjo’s shoulder and tweeted something in his floppy ear which stood to attention.

“Robin says you should be banished from paradise.”

“Please no,” replied Silvia. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t…It’s just–“

“Tyler may have had his flaws, but he never murdered another one of us, Silvia…”

Silvia began to back away tenuously, her tail between her legs.

“Animals!” Barked Banjo, his voice reverberating off invisible walls. “I beg you! Let me take care of Tyler! But before, let me ask you, what do we do with wretchéd liars and murderers?”

The crowd began to shuffle and murmur excitedly.

“Banish her!” Came one voice.

“Away from here!” Came another.

The voices rose into a furor, “Leave! Leave! Leave!”

Silvia darted out of the area…and was rarely seen in Tyler’s paradise again, apart from the odd time she was caught lurking on it’s borders, desperate for attention.

Suddenly, all the animals surrounded Tyler, they were cheering for him and calling his name.

Banjo stood en-garde with Maximilian and told him, “You are safe now, we will care for you as you did us.”

Tyler felt a tickle on his neck, rising up like a small breeze to his ear.

“And thank you for not washing me down the drain,” came a tiny, whispered voice.

Share this: Twitter

Facebook

Like this: Like Loading...