I was nervous, but at the same time I was relieved. Nervous and relieved. What a strange mix of feelings to have, but I can't explain it any better. I was at long last going to see Jodi.

All those late nights typing away until sunrise... never before have I felt such a complete connection with someone. We met each other in the comments section of a youtube video of a cow being hit by a train. Of all the places to find love, we found each other over the death of some cow. We started by sending facebook messages, eventually we graduated to exchanging numbers and texting each other. Jodi was the first to make a phone call, I didn't pick up right away, I wasn't prepared for this level of commitment yet. This is what I have come to, too scared to hear another person's voice. I'm glad I answered.

They said I was crazy to travel all the way to Arizona to meet some random internet encounter. Sometimes it just feels too right to pass up. Lately Jodi has had me feeling more courageous than normal.

Riding in the cab from the airport, according to my GPS I'm only 6 minutes away. Does the GPS account for stop lights? "Breathe" I say to myself aloud. I won't look at my phone I lie to myself. I have 6 minutes, at the very least, to calm my nerves, I didn't come all this way to make an a*s of myself. Besides this is Jodi, what could go wrong.

The driver starts slowing down, he is looking at addresses, my phone says 3 min left. I am not prepared for this yet. Goddamn GPS. We can direct a missile with pinpoint accuracy to it's target a thousand miles away, but my phone can't tell if I'm within 2 miles of my destination.

"Here" the driver says in a heavy spanish accent.

"Now? Already, are you sure? I mean what If this isn't it? This might not be it, check again please."

The driver just stares back at me with a quizzical look on his face and an outstretched hand.

"Donde...uh, yah nevermind. Here" I hand him a twenty and exit the cab. Then I see her. She is just standing there with a smile waiting with the front door held open. The nervousness has passed. Just like that, it is replaced with relief.

I jog up the short walk and she grabs me in a big hug and leads me inside. This isn't awkward at all. I can tell she is relieved as well.

"Five foot five is a lot shorter than I thought" she says eyeing me critically.

I just stare back. Is this seriously the first thing she has decided to say to me? She knows how much my height bothers me, but she just stares with that critical gaze. All I can do is glare back at her with an incredulous look on my face. This staredown lasts forever, then I see the corners of her mouth turn up and that smile breaks free.

"I almost slapped you just then" I say, but I can't keep my smile away.

We banter back-and-forth for a while. She grills me about my trip. I ask her all about arizona and her house. We talk about nothing for what seems like forever.

"Well, time for you to meet my dad" Jodi states abruptly and leads me into the living room

Jodi's dad, Bill, is completely paralyzed. When Jodi was twenty she was attacked and raped by her uncle Wess. When Bill found out he hunted his brother down and killed him in what can only be described as brutal. When the police arrived on scene they found Wess in seven different pieces, the forensic examiner said he was literally tore apart by something. Bill was found next to Wess covered in his victim's blood, not a mark on him, but completely paralyzed. Specialists from around the country were flown in to find the cause, but no one could make sense of it. He had normal vital functions, but he showed signs of complete brain death on the EEG.

Jodi told me all this in the many emails and letters she wrote, it was very cleansing for her to finally tell someone. Bill was never prosecuted and Jodi elected to take care of him at her house until he died. The doctors said he wouldn't make it more than a couple of months. That was twelve years ago.

Bill is sitting in a recliner with his hands crossed over his abdomen. His eyes are open. Why do his eyes have to be open? He is a stringy tall man, his hands tell the story of a hard working man even after all these years laying here. His breathing is a ragged wheeze, I can hear it from across the room. It almost sounds like a constant groan.

"Hi Bill, it's nice to meet you" I say.

Jodi encourages me to keep chatting with him while she leaves to make something to eat. Jodi's psychologist recommended that she treat her father as if he were able to hear her. It was mostly for her sake, it was easier for her to care for him if he was somewhat humanized.

"Nice weather today, boy is it hot in Arizona. Wowee I don't know how you stand it?"

"Don't Patronize him, just talk normal!" Jodi yells from the kitchen.

I don't know what to say, this is uncomfortable for me. It wouldn't be so bad except his eyes are open. I swear it seems like there is something intelligent behind those eyes. I wasn't expecting this, this is harder than I thought, Jodi didn't tell me he was so....lifelike. What was I expecting; he is still human after all. I jammer on with Bill about sports and politics and my trip over here. Nothing real substantial, just background noise so Jodi knows I'm trying.

"Well Bill, you got a real great daughter here." Then I lean closer softly say "I will take good care of her"

Bill suddenly makes a loud clacking noise and his whole body shudders.

"Jesus Christ!" I scream and lurch back.

Jodi comes running in from the kitchen.

"He just moved! He tried to talk an then he started to shake." I yell at her when she comes around the corner.

"What sort of fit are you going to throw when he farts?" Jodi says sarcastically

"You said he was paralyzed. I thought he couldn't move"

"Every so often he clicks his tongue or shivers a little bit. The doctors don't understand it, they say his spinal cord is firing random impulses and it doesn't mean anything. He has been doing this since..." She trails off. Jodi returns to the kitchen.

That sense of relief, its gone now. Relief has given way to with irrational fear. Why did he have to shudder like that when I talked about Jodi, what a fantastic coincidence that was. I will never talk about Jodi again to Bill I have decided. I don't know why I said anything in the first place.

I do know why. Bill seems so real, like he was faking. I guess I wanted to test him. Well now what, he passed my test I guess. I have to test him again, I have to know if he is faking. Its a coincidence, Jodi said it herself, he does this from time to time. Just what is going through my mind right now? Bill has been brain dead for 12 years and I think talking about Jodi is going to reverse that? Right, so I could say anything and he would just lay there. What could it hurt?

"Bill, your daughter and I are going to make sweet love tonight" I whisper in his ear

No response. Not a clack, not a shudder, nothing. I hold my gaze on him for a while and then turn to look at Jodi in the kitchen. Just as I turn my head, out of the corner of my eye, I swear I see him glance at me. Startled I jerk my head back around only to see him lying there like he always has been. Something is off though. He is smiling. The most subtle of smiles, just the tiniest bit of his mouth is turned up at the corners. That smile wasn't like that before, I know it wasn't.

Just then Jodi enters the room she is carrying her car keys. Her focus lingers on Bill for a while, like she is studying him. She looks confused.

"Oh daddy, you look happier than normal"

Irrational fear gives way to primal terror. He is smiling. She gives him a peck on the cheek and turns to me for the first time. She looks concerned. I must look like a loon to her, I am so scared right now. I snap myself out of it and smile back.

"Sorry, looking at Bill just got me thinking about what you told me about his incident...I got kind of choked up there"

Jodi looks relieved. She had one other boyfriend, Jared, after the attack but before me. He was terrified of Bill and didn't even like being in the same room with him. That really bothered Jodi and it ended up killing the relationship. I think I love Jodi and do not want that happening to us.

"I have to go pick up some ketchup, hamburgers are completely tasteless without ketchup" Jodi proclaims. "Stay here and catch up with Bill, I won't be gone longer than ten minutes."

Before I can come up with an excuse to tag along, she is gone.

I am alone, well not really.

I turn to look at Bill. I expect him to be standing, waiting to tear me apart, but he is still as he always was. He is staring off to the side, arms crossed across his belly. No, not quite the same. No smile anymore, it almost looks like a frown. Nope, this is not happening I tell myself. Your eyes are playing tricks on you.

Jodi saw it though, she saw him smile. And now he is not. He is definitely not smiling anymore.

Bill's breathing is quicker now. Louder. There is an urgency to his breathing it seems. I can't turn away from him, too afraid. I want to say something to him, anything. I want to apologize. I am afraid to talk, if I talk I am certain he will lurch out of that chair and leave me a bloody mess like Wess.

I glance at my watch, Jodi will be back soon, I just have to make it ten minutes. I look back at Bill.

Bill is staring right at me now. There is no doubt in my mind he is "there".

"Bill....I uh uh I uhhhhh"

"CLACK" Bill retorts as he smacks his lips. He blinks slowly, purposefully.

I scramble backwards towards the door tripping over an end table. I never break eye contact with Bill as I frantically kick my way towards the exit. His gaze never breaks as we watches me leave. I slam the door shut and as I turn to run down the walkway I run into Jodi knocking her over and spilling her groceries all over the lawn.

"What the heck is the matter with you?" Jodi says angrily as she gets up

She never looks at me, she just starts to pick everything up. All I can do is stare absently at her. I cannot function at this moment, I am stuck. Jodi continues to grumble and go about gathering stuff. Eternities go by as I watch her.

"Are you not going to help me? Where exactly were you going anyway?"

Too many questions.

"Yes" I stammer softly

Jodi looks up at me "Yes? Yes you aren't going to help me?"

What is going on here, what am I doing? I stumble clumsily to the ground and attempt to pick up a bottle of ketchup. My hands are shaking, I want to throw up. There is a killer twenty feet away just waiting to tear me into seven little pieces and I'm picking up groceries. Why does Jody have groceries? It's starting to come together now, she needed ketchup for something.

It must be dark, Jody doesn't seem to notice my condition.

"Mustard" I whisper.

"What is the matter with you?"

"I came to tell you to get mustard too, hamburgers aren't fun without mustard"

I am under control again, my hands are shaky but I can function at least. I watch as Jodi gathers up the few remaining items and steps inside the house. The door swings shut behind her. Why am I thinking of going back in there? I stand outside staring at the door, waiting. What am I waiting for exactly, I should be running. The door opens and I jump back expecting Bill.

"I think we got all the groceries, come on in"

I hand her the ketchup bottle and force a smile.

"Just this left, is B..." I want to ask her if Bill is still there but stop myself short. What an absurd question to her.

I let her lead me inside and direct me to the living room while she prepares dinner.

I see Bill, he is sitting exactly how he was when I first came today. I breath a sigh of relief. Maybe it was all in my head. To think otherwise would be absurd.

I don't really believe that. If I did I wouldn't be standing in the far corner of the room with my fists clenched watching my girlfriends brain dead father for signs of aggressiveness. I decide to abandon any further small talk with Bill and go help Jodi prepare dinner.

I help set up the table and take a seat with a clear view of the living room. Jodi is somewhat preoccupied with dinner preparations and doesn't seem to notice any strange behavior from me. A few moments later and Jodi is seated and dinner is underway.

I try to engage Jodi in small talk, but I can tell she knows something is wrong.

"What's wrong, you look like you're lost in thought."

"I know things fell out with you and Jared after he met your father, what went wrong?"

"It was weird, we were dating for a few weeks and suddenly he got real scared of dad and wouldn't come over anymore"

"And thats what caused the breakup?" I probed

"Well we never broke up exactly, he just kind of disappeared one day."

"What do you mean? Like a kidnapping or murder or something"

"No nothing like that, he just stopped returning my calls. I went to go see him at his apartment but it was cleaned out. Landlord said he must have packed up and left in the middle of the night. He was mad, he never paid last month's rent he said and he left his apartment a mess. It was quite strange."

Primal terror just turned into hopeless defeat. We continued to chat for a few minutes but she sensed something more was troubling me. I blamed it on jet lag. It was a lie and we both knew it but she let it slide.

"It's getting late, do you have some place to stay? You can crash here if you want to." Jodi said.

I could tell she was expecting me to stay, we practically had every day planned while I was here. There would be no sleeping in Bills house I decided. Bill's house, not Jodi's house. I made an excuse about how I had a relative in the area I would be visiting tonight. She was crushed, she wanted to know why I didn't like her. I told her it was important for me to not rush things and take it slow, if I stayed the night that would not be happening. She seemed to accept that. We kissed and I excused my self.

Walking towards the front door I turned to take one last look at Bill. Bill was staring right back at me again. Not at me, but through me. He was smiling. Not a small subtle smile either, a big ear-to-ear grin.