We Cannot, As a Society, Allow Hideo Kojima to Read ‘Infinite Jest’

I strongly believe in artistic expression and the freedom of ideas. However, the balance of our society is far more fragile than any work of art, and every few decades a bold iconoclast rises up to shatter the paradigms of the world we think we know. That is why I implore you all: We cannot allow Hideo Kojima to read Infinite Jest.

Can you imagine what he would do with that mess of a book knocking around in his brain? Recall the most pretentious David Foster Wallace fan you knew in college and the dog-eared copy of the novel that he dutifully lugged around campus. Can you see him? Light-washed, ankle-cuffed jeans, corduroy shirt neatly layered under a faded denim jacket? Now imagine that guy, but if he made Metal Gear Solid 2.

This is the reality we could face if we let Hideo Kojima read Infinite Jest. Everything is at stake.

In case you’ve been lucky enough to avoid Infinite Jest in your own life, let me explain the seriousness of the situation: in the book, the US, Mexico, and Canada form a superpower coalition called the “Organization of North American Nations.” It’s not even part of the main plot, just basic establishing details. There’s also a group of political radicals planning a massive coup, incestuous family dynamics, and a video tape that is so entertaining it kills you. I can literally hear Kojima salivating from here.

All of Kojima’s exhausting plot ideas have come from a brain that hasn’t yet read Infinite Jest — as far as we know, anyway; I’m sure we’d be able to tell if he already had. Just imagine what he would try to feed us if he knew you could get away with as many footnotes as Wallace does. Every future Kojima Productions game could come with a thousand-page manual detailing whatever crosses the man’s mind if we’re not careful. Do you want a detailed summary of every Wikipedia hole Kojima has fallen down in a five-year period? I don’t. I have a family that I need to spend time with.

So please, I implore you. If you see Hideo Kojima out in public with a copy of Infinite Jest, walk right up to him and knock that sucker out of his hands. Don’t be fooled if he tries to hide by reading an eBook, either. If you see Kojima holding a Nook or a Kindle, just destroy it on sight to be safe.

Do you think I’m overreacting? Well, be careful: Infinite Jest also features a giant US-funded radioactive dump in Canada called “The Great Concavity.” We really can’t afford to fuck around. He would lap that shit up.

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