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Photo by Leah Hennel / Calgary Herald

I believe this list incorporates a wide enough range of issues for any member of city council suffering from extreme alcoholism, or even slight alcoholism. Basically, basically anyone who is drinking when they shouldn’t be.

Of course, there is always the question about when the members of city council are not on the clock. I’ve created a handy reference list for them to glance at should they find someone trying to ply them with booze.

Is it between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5:30 p.m.? If yes, do not drink. Are you home? If yes, you can have a damn drink.

You see, by simplifying the question of When is it appropriate to drink? To When do other people who don’t work in city council drink? We are able to more successfully identify when drinking should occur.

What I’m getting at folks is that you’re just a damn city council, not a leader of a major western civilization. If the guy working at Dairy Queen can’t drink during his working hours, neither should you.

Now, I understand this might be difficult for some of you to hear. “But we were voted in!” you might protest. “We are politicians! We earned the right to have a drink or two in between our meetings!” My response to you is very simple: “No, you don’t. Stop being an immature tit about it and get back to work, you lazy dumb-dumbs.”

I understand as the integrity commissioner I should not resort to name calling, but the fact of the matter is that I was hired (?), not for my cheery disposition, but for my ability to destroy those who stand in my way in my rise to power. Actually, I’m not sure why I was hired (?), all I know is that I am clearly the most qualified person for this position, and you won’t regret your decision (?) to hire me. (?)

I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you as I brutally cut down your ego and berate you for wasting our time. Now if you’ll excuse me, it is time for my 9:06 a.m. brandy and cigar.

Most Sincerely,

Kathleen Sawisky, esq.

Integrity Commissioner