First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is still pretending Scotland might be able to stay in both the UK and the EU, even though everyone knows that Nicola knows that everyone knows that we can’t.

The First Minister has insisted that it’s “not impossible” that Scotland may have to call a second independence referendum, but added that, linguistically speaking, it’s possible for something to not be impossible but simultaneously be not possible.

Sturgeon made the remarks at a press conference following an extraordinary meeting of the Super Celtic Friends, which was called to discuss last month’s UK-wide vote to leave the EU and began with an incredible fireworks display showing how the pound had fallen against the rupee.

Ordinary meetings don’t even have sparklers, officials confirmed.

Speaking to journalists, the First Minister said: “For Scotland right now it is not a question of if we are seeking to protect our interests, but it’s not not a question either. It’s definitely a question, and the answer to that question is: ‘Of course we are – how dare you ask me that?’

“The real question is: can we find a way of protecting those interests within a UK context, or are those interests within a UK context more hobbies than interests, like when you love playing guitar but know you’ll only ever be good enough in a band to play bass?

“Well, it strikes me that those who support the continuation of the UK have a vested interest in selling that bass to buy Scotland guitar lessons.”

Sturgeon added: “Or it might be that we have to look at other options to secure our interests – now, I’m not going to say what those options are, except to say that one of them may or may not rhyme with meferendum, but like everyone else in my party, I really hope it doesn’t come to that.”