A woman dressed as a Dalek with a Theresa May face mask joined the protest outside the converted mill in Halifax as the Supreme Leader’s five-car motorcade pulled into the parking lot. She didn’t look much like the original. The Maybot has far less personality. And is all the more terrifying because of it. Head down and expressionless, she dashed for a side entrance.

Later than planned because the Conservative battle bus had broken down – someone, somewhere would pay heavily for that – the cabinet filed into the front two rows. The men were identically dressed in white shirts and blue ties and had the rictus smiles of the condemned. Boris Johnson and Philip Hammond took up the rear and sat closest to the aisle. Last in, first out. The campaign slogan of Forward Together, which had been nicked from Margaret Thatcher’s 1980 Tory party conference, didn’t necessarily apply to them.

David Davis, one of the Supreme Leader’s trusted lieutenants, took the stage first to make the introductions. He kept to a simple, approved script of “strong and stable” before quickly sitting down. Careless talk costs lives at the higher echelons of the Tory party these days. Within seconds the Supreme Leader appeared and the cabinet competed with one another to be the first to their feet.

“Today, I launch my manifesto for Britain’s future,” Kim Jong-may began. Not the Conservative’s manifesto. Her manifesto. Hers and hers alone. In truth, she couldn’t quite work out why she had been even asked to produce a manifesto, but as some of the other parties had already done so she had felt rather obliged to write one herself. Not that it was really a manifesto. She wasn’t about to tell people what she would like to happen. She was going to tell them what was going to happen.

The country was facing its gravest crisis since the Battle of Britain and what it needed was a strong and stable leader with a strong and stable plan. She was rather hazy about what that plan might be, because that was on a need-to-know basis. And the country didn’t need to know. It just needed to close its eyes and puts its trust in the strong and stable leadership of the Supreme Leader. She alone could get the best Brexit deal, even if that deal turned out not to be to have a deal. Because no deal was better than no deal.

“I do not believe in ideology,” she insisted, sounding every bit the deranged Mayist. Her ideology wasn’t an ideology because it was the right ideology. She was going to lead the Great Leap Forward of the Great Meritocracy. A country where the most deserving got their proper rewards and the unbelievers were left with nothing. This was her country and she could do what she liked with it. If she felt like intervening in areas of social policy then she would and if she didn’t then she wouldn’t. The people would hear of her interventions as when she decided to make them. And not before. She might raise taxes and then again she might not. Wait and see.

There were one or two things she was prepared to put right. Right here, right now. There were far too many immigrants and she was going to reduce their numbers to the tens of thousands. Whatever the cost to the economy. Yes, she knew that the Conservative party had promised and failed to deliver that before, but that had been when she had only been Theresa May, the home secretary. Now that she was Kim Jong-may anything was possible.

It had also been brought to her attention that old people weren’t dying in the right kind of way. So she was going to make it much more cost effective for people to croak from a heart attack or cancer than to suffer from dementia. People with dementia had no one to blame for their condition other than themselves and their families should pay accordingly. As for children, she was going to abolish free school lunches and introduce free breakfasts instead. Just because. Children had to learn that Breakfast meant Breakfast.

From time to time, the Supreme Leader glanced towards the supplicant faces in the front two rows. Who were these people? Why were they looking at her so piteously? What did they want, these useless apparatchiks? “Let us go forward together,” she concluded. Quoting Churchill always went down well even if the man was a bit of a loser compared with her. Queen of all she surveyed. Top of the world, Ma.

Forward together, the Supreme Leader left alone in her five-car motorcade. The cabinet were left to fend for themselves in the broken down bus.