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"Her heavy-lidded eyes resemble an owl's and her thick lips suggest she plays the trumpet."

-- actual quote from The National Police Gazette's feature on Barbra Streisand's stupid monster face.

Every few issues, the National Police Gazette would do an article about a female celebrity who was a 6 or below and try to destroy her. Make no mistake: Ugly women should only be used to test the pressure on sewage pipes. Still, I think it's a bit much to say that Barbra Streisand killed sex in Hollywood. Yes, if you put her near a male baby, its sex glands dissolve, but how many hospitals can she attack in a day? If the

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National Police Gazette were around today, every cover feature would be