Common Misconceptions

“People with BPD are violent.”

People with BPD are angry, certainly, but they are far more likely to be a danger to themselves than to anyone else. A loved one with borderline is more likely to lash out against themselves. Any damage they cause is probably going to be self-inflicted. This isn’t to say there aren’t borderline abusers. Abusers are everywhere! But someone with BPD is probably only a danger to themselves. They may self-harm, engage in dangerous activities, abuse substances, or even commit suicide.

“People with BPD are abusive.”

According to studies by Lundy Bancroft, people with severe mental illnesses are less likely to be abusers than people who are not mentally ill. Abuse is often planned and calculated, which is easier to do when one has a healthy mind. Many studies show that mentally ill people are far more likely to BE abused than they are to be abusers themselves. The stigma that people with certain disorders are abusive actually leads to their being abused more often. Because of mental illness, they are already more vulnerable to manipulation and gaslighting from any potential abuser, and an abuser will use stigma against them to make them comply to demands. Someone with a stigmatized mental illness is far less likely to leave an abusive situation because people are less willing to help them as well.

"People with BPD are attention-seeking and manipulative.”

First thing’s first, wanting attention is a pretty human reaction. Seeking attention is also something everyone does as some point, even those who are not mentally ill. (You just tend to pathologize it when mentally ill people do it.) Second, everyone manipulates and is capable of doing it. Having a disorder of any kind does not default someone into a manipulative type of person. The truth is, people with BPD are not trying to manipulate you when they come to you about their feelings. Their expression is not some clever ploy. If they cry, they truly are hurting and not looking for pity. If they say they need constant reassurance, it’s because they are genuinely afraid.

“People with BPD could control their emotions if they tried.”

Yeah, and when I had the flu a couple of months ago, I simply willed it away. [/sarcasm] The truth is, BPD is a serious medical condition which affects the brain. You know that part of your brain that helps you regulate your emotions? (It’s located in the front of your brain.) Well, for people with BPD, that part of the brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Marsha Linehan compares people with BPD to third-degree burn victims, saying that every touch is something they feel immensely. I don’t personally like comparing mental health conditions to physical ones, but nonetheless.

“People with BPD are self-centered.”

More often than not, the opposite is true. A lot of the pain and anxiety someone with BPD feels stems from insecurities they have about how they affect the people around them. People with BPD tend to assume they are burdens and constantly worry they are making people unhappy, which upsets them and can trigger an episode. If anything, people with BPD care too much.