Steve Hocking: I want you to know I get the issues that are affecting you.

Fans: You mean things like how expensive going to the footy is, the price of food, the fact most good games are on Foxtel, how in the bye rounds there’s no games on free-to-air on Sundays, the rather average commentary teams we get, the fact Wayne Carey is on TV at all…

Hocking: …and congestion.

Fans: Hang on, congestion is kind of a thing everyone’s complained about for over a century.

When Patrick Dangerfield referred to the era where Chris Judd was breaking out of packs and running 30 meters untouched was the same time Demetriou was complaining about the Swans overly defensive style ruining the game.

Before that ‘flooding’ was going to end the game.

Hocking: So, what I’m hearing is you want more new rules!

Fans: Are you serious? We need less rules. Get rid of the nominated ruck rule for starters.

The sliding rule is bonkers in its current form, the interpretation of the protected zone is idiotic even for you guys.

And what about the shot clock? Nothing sums you guys up better, an idea no one has needed or wanted in over a century, you bring it in anyway. When it doesn’t work you interpret it again, so now thirty seconds is thirty seconds except the times when it isn’t.

It’s like you guys have your meetings through the looking glass.

Hocking: But starting positions, zones, two-goal squares! How exciting will it be? Think of the work it will create for my staff implementing, tweaking and eventually getting rid of them! That’s like 40 full time jobs in here for years.

Fans: Surely it all needs more testing anyway before you implement any of this.

Hocking: That’s why we might test them in games that don’t have a bearing on the season in the later rounds.

Fans: Hang on, you’re running a professional competition and you’ll have different rules for some games? What about Brownlow votes, draft positions, stats, percentage, all the things that are affected by that?

Hocking: Look, I’ll be honest with you, I’m just throwing out a bunch of crazy ideas out there so I can then do some of the less crazy ones and you’ll think I’ve listened.

Fans: Oh, we’re all very aware of what you’re doing.

Titus has a new live show ‘Manifestly Inadequate’and new dates to announce.

They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.

The dates are:

4 August- Hobart

27 August- Canberra

29 August- Perth

31 August- Sydney

1 September- Melbourne

2 September- Adelaide

Ticket available here: http://www.frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls.

Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus