WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Residents of the District of Columbia were roused from their sleep by a massive fireworks display over the White House just after midnight, as President Obama declared what he called “a national day of gloating.”

“It would not be productive for this nation, going forward, to crow about our victory over political adversaries,” he said in a nationally televised address. “So let’s get it all out of our systems today.”

Immediately after the President’s speech, loudspeakers outside the White House blasted “We Are the Champions,” and the national day of gloating began.

In addition to a ticker-tape parade, the day’s events will include a screening on the Mall of a clip reel of Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s marathon Senate speech, punctuated by sad trombone sounds.

“Starting tomorrow, my message to the Republicans is, ‘Let’s work together for the American people,’ ” said Obama, wearing what appeared to be a beer hat. “But today my message is, ‘We won, bitchaz.’ ”

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Photograph by Matt Campbell-Pool/Getty.