While most couples aspire to have children of their own, for many the process of becoming pregnant can be a long and difficult ordeal. Here are some helpful tips to ensure that you and your partner conceive quickly and easily:

It’s important to choose a sexual partner you know is fertile and capable of having children, like your father.

Approach sex like a tedious chore and complete it with robotic detachment twice daily.

Remember that patience is key: A healthy woman may sometimes take up to a week to get pregnant.

Be offered a huge, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that would require you to move across the country, then go home to break the news to the girlfriend you’ve been considering breaking up with lately.

If you are struggling to become pregnant, try truly loving your partner.

Skip your birth control just one day and have unprotected sex three weeks later. That’s what happened to Kaitlin.

Make sure to find a gravel bed that’s protected but not too far out of the way to lay your eggs; otherwise potential mates may unknowingly swim right past them.

Try not to think about the millions of orphans in need of a home while having sex.

Don’t forget to ejaculate!

Once the Prefecture has selected you for reproductive privileges, report to Pylon 6A for auto-insemination.

If you are unable to conceive after two weeks of trying, give up. This is nature’s way of letting you know your body is a caustic, inhospitable cesspool and your black, frigid soul was never intended to feel motherly love.