Moderator: Good evening. I’m a loosely-informed, sensational journalist from a major news network and welcome you to this prestigious University for the first presidential debate between the Donkey, the Elephant, and the Moose. This debate is sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates, which is a hyper-partisan organization that has managed to supplant the nonpartisan, nonprofit organization which used to manage these debates. The format of this debate will be a series of questions which will not attempt to draw out novel nor unique ideas. Nor will it focus on challenging topics in any meaningful way. Instead, we will ask questions on subjects approved by the Donkey and the Elephant in ways that do not attempt to disparage their narratives. We will also refrain from providing any semblance of moderation such as cutting microphones or correcting erroneous claims. Instead, we will permit candidates to talk over each other to their heart’s content and continuously violate time limits without meaningful repercussions. We will begin this debate with opening statements from our candidates.

The Donkey: Well, thank you, and thanks to everyone for hosting debate.

I’m The Donkey. I have been proud and privileged to serve in countless governmental roles. I’m distantly related to a factory worker and have a wonderful two-year-old grandchild. I also have a very cute pet dog, which is relevant. And every day, I think about what we need to do to make sure that the same privileges I’ve enjoyed are available to my grandchild, and also that opportunity for others also exists. I have spent a very long time — my entire adult life — looking for ways to even the odds to help people have a chance to get ahead, and, in particular, to find the ways for each child to live up to his or her God-given potential.

I’ve traveled across our country over the last months listening and learning, and I’ve put forward specific plans about how we’re going to create more good-paying jobs: by investing in infrastructure and clean energy, by making it possible once again to invest in science and research, and taking the opportunity posed by climate change to grow our economy.

At the center of my campaign is how we’re going to raise wages. Yes, of course, raise the minimum wage, but we have to do so much more, including finding ways so that companies share profits with the workers who helped to make them.

And then we have to figure out how we’re going to make the tax system a fairer one. Right now, the wealthy pay too little and the middle class pays too much. So I have specific recommendations about how we’re going to close those loopholes, make it clear that the wealthy will have to pay their fair share, and have a series of tax cuts for middle-class families.