TROY, Alabama—leading conservatives gathered here today to announce one of the greatest anti-scientific achievements of the decade, the discovery that denying climate change actually causes it not to be happening.

“According to the latest temperature map, Troy here actually has gotten colder over the last fifty years,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R—AL). “Is that because global warming is a fraud perpetrated by homosexuals? You bet it is.”

Climate scientists released a map yesterday showing that in areas of the country where the Republican Party is the strongest and climate denial is at its highest, particularly in the South, temperatures are flat or even down over the last century. In contrast, some of the greatest increases have taken place in California and the area around New York City.

“The obvious strategy is to keep denying that climate change exists,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY). “If we don’t believe, then it won’t come true.”

If that strategy fails, Sen. McConnell also announced that “leading Republican climate scientists” had created a backup plan, which is to strategically deploy “Stone Cold” Steve Austin around the country to bring down temperatures as required. “It’s a foolproof plan,” said McConnell. “And even if it’s not, who doesn’t love Stone Cold?”