WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference today, U.S. President Donald Trump stated that unfortunately, as Canada's 150th birthday approaches, he now considers the country too old to sexually harass.

"This was a hard decision for me," said Trump. "I have a sterling track record of harassing women, especially countries, which I consider female due to their mountains. They look like boobs to me."

Trump added, "But at a century-and-a-half-old, Canada is no longer young enough to draw my unwanted sexual attention. I've seen pictures of Canada from the early 1900s, and she was a real cutie. Tremendous. If I had been around and the most powerful person in the world at that time, you better believe I would have harassed her from B.C. to P.E.I. and back."

The new policy means that on all future visits to Canada, Trump will no longer fondle the soil, rub up against the CN Tower, or even bat his eyelashes at the Saint Lawrence River.

"Normally during a trip to that beautiful country I seize every opportunity to grope, stroke, or pinch the twenty-dollar bill," lamented Trump. "But my wandering hands are tied on this one."

"It's nothing personal," said Trump, "America's 241 years old, and I lost interest in sexually harassing her long ago. But I continue to figuratively screw her, and I'll make the same promise to Canada, whether through hostile trade agreements, embargos, or an especially aggressive dollar."

As for the future, Trump has his eye on younger countries. "That Kosovo," he said, licking his lips. "Now there's a country in her prime. I have a visit planned next week and I've been wiggling my eyebrows at a map of her all morning. I might even try to grab her by the flag."

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