Chaucer’s House of Fun

A description of Funhaus in the style of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales. In terms of metre, remember that if it doesn’t seem to scan, try pronouncing some ‘e’s (for example, ‘suff-er-ed’, ‘trad-e’). Any archaic words are glossed in the footnotes.







A compaignye of GAMERES there I founde,

A felaweshipe of nine, a number rounde

Nales[1] than Frodo toke to Mordor derke

(Thus saith Tolkien, a wise and learned clerke[2]).

Eight men there were, and one a levedi[3] deere

Al gathered at the tabard for a beere.

A SAD MAN was hire[4] chief, who murmured lowe.

His eyen drooped just as doth the willowe

Which hangeth braunche and leafe into the flum[5].

He seyde he owned[6] an HOUSE OF FUN – a room

Y-filled with instrumentz of highest grade

In which thise craftesmen plied hire trade,

Tho what this trade was I nevere knewe.

Adam was his name, his langage oft was blue.







A TASKMASTERE or reve[7] this Adam hade

Who did ensure that contente gode was made.

He suffered from flatulentia -

As clerkes learned in scientia[8]

Do seyn, or ‘fartynge’ in oure Englisshe tonge -

Which he hadde tholed[9] since that he was yonge.

For this he knewe no remedye or physik

But put he it to use in his dark rheth’rik.

For Aristote did knowe scatologye

To be the very soul of comedye.

This flatulator was y-cleped[10] Bruce.

A berde hadde he, he putte it to gode use.







A JESTER was there in that compaignye

Who aye[11] was first in sport of bavardrye.[12]

Jacobus[13] was he, or James to his frendes.

He turned langage to his owne dark endes

For he was aye the quykest to the punche.

On barbes and mirie japes did he lunche,

And evry form of wordpleye hadde in usage.

Two eyen large he hadde in his visage

Of whiche the oon was higher than the othere:

Dide this he take from father or from mothere?







This James rode up with a gentil[14] WEMAN

Whome he had promised e’er to be her leman[15].

She was o[16] the clevrest and eek[17] the beste

Of mimickes and wittes that nobly jeste.

In art of impressioun she did excelle.

In estime she ever rose and nevere felle.

Elyse she was, this levedi from the Northe

Fayre was her hair, gret indeed her worthe.

A hounde had she, which BENSON was ycleped

For yeres long she had this pette ykeped

Which loved she more than al the world.

This dogge was often on her lappe curled.







A LERED[18] MAN there was, who ofte did smirke

And ofte mistaken was he for a jerke.[19]

Tho by my trouthe he was a kindly manne

Who aye was quyk to holpen as he canne

Tho rarely graunted benediciouns[20].

He cultivated predilicciouns

For strange[21] drinke and lusty fantasye -

He was nat frendlich for the familye!

Did ne’er such lewednisse and lere[22] entwine

For knowleche hadde he none of lere divine.

This straunge clerke was y-clept Laurens

Who knew of every technica the sens.







In shadwe veiled there satte a pious manne

Beloved of all who welle dide him canne.[23]

This was PEAKE, a verray modest wighte

More gentil than the gentilleste knighte.

A manlich man was he, a lovere of sporte;

In active entreprise did he disporte.

He nevere swore, ne bawdy langage spake

Ne dissembled, for he nas nat fake.







Thre EDITOURS hie[24] kept to maken contente,

Who were by hooly providentia sente

And ech of hem deserveth moore fame.

DON was there, who needeth namore name.

For don[25] he was of oure affecioun.

He needed not the world’s attencioun;

Humilitas hadde he, and mysterye as welle

Ful miriely he colde talles telle.

An exile was he from another bande

As was Elyse and eek OMAR the grande.

This Omar was a ful elusive wighte:

Altho he tracked was bothe day and nighte

He rarely was yfounde. Yet of this groupe

He was a membre crucial, by Seinte Loupe.

Finallye of all this compaignye,

Which that I found upon an hostelrye,

Was JACOBUS, whom last of alle I saue.

A straunge mannere speche he did haue,

For whan that he was evere dismeyed

He alwey ‘Biscuittis and gravye’ seyed.







Before I do this long descriptioun enden

Two more fellawes had to the tabard wenden

Who hadde in former times ben employd

And whose companiounshipe I had enjoyed.

An ELVISSHE man there was – or so I demed -

For otherworldlich his chiere[26] hadde semed.

But this nys nat a romaunt or a fable

And I must be as trewe as I am able

And so a mortal man he must haue bene.

The othere man more earthlich was, I wene[27]

He talked lewedly of crushyng pussye

And for his apparaunce he nas nat fussy:

He wore alwey a browne or redde cappe.

SPOOLE he was, this blithe, beloved chappe.

Explicit descriptionem Domi Ludi scripturam Samuelo Carduello anno domini MMXVI.

[1] No fewer, nonetheless

[2] Clerk, cleric, author, learned man

[3] Lady

[4] Their

[5] River

[6] I know Adam doesn’t actually ‘own’ Funhaus and he isn’t really the ‘chief’ – call it poetic license.

[7] Reeve – a foreman or local authority. Again, probably not an accurate idea of the hierarchy!

[8] Knowledge

[9] Suffered

[10] Called

[11] Always

[12] Talkativeness

[13] Latin for James

[14] Noble (of birth and of manner – ancestor of both ‘gentle’ and ‘genteel’)

[15] Lover

[16] One of

[17] Also

[18] Learned

[19] Probably not a real Middle English word…

[20] Blessings

[21] Strong

[22] Lore, learning

[23] Know

[24] They

[25] Master, lord (short for dominus)

[26] Complexion

[27] Think, guess