Blind date: ‘I kept coughing into my elbow like a sick Victorian prostitute’

Alan on Michael

What were you hoping for?

Escape from the hell of a January that featured two weddings abroad. Also: saucy romance.

First impressions?

Smiley, polite, as wet as I was (it was raining).

What did you talk about?

Cute nephews, wishing altitude sickness on celebrities, gay rights, the abject terror of doing your own taxes, how well Brexit is going.

Any awkward moments?

I kept coughing into my elbow like a sick Victorian prostitute in an ITV drama, but he didn’t seem to mind.

Good table manners?

Impeccable, in that we both agreed to lie and say the other had good table manners.

Best thing about Michael?

The longer we talked the more (righteously) angry he got about the world. Nothing like a polite revolutionary.

Would you introduce him to your friends?

Only if he cooks us all his top-notch Sunday roast.

Describe Michael in three words

Knowledgeable, eloquent, Bolshevik.

What do you think he made of you?

I hope he didn’t mistake my imminent Death By January as lack of enthusiasm. I did point and shout “GAAAAAYYYYY!” across the table at him at one point, but there was context.

Did you go on somewhere?

Yes.

And... did you kiss?

A good hug and a solid handshake but no facetime.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?

That I was full of the vigour of my youth.

Marks out of 10?

8.

Would you meet again?

As friends? Yes. As accomplices in a socialist coup? Definitely.

Michael on Alan



What were you hoping for?

To find a plus-one for the numerous weddings I have coming up this year.

First impressions?

Relief that he wasn’t the overweight middle-aged man I spotted as I walked past the restaurant.

What did you talk about?

His upcoming appearance on a popular quiz show that I used to work on. All of the things you probably shouldn’t, including politics and Brexit.

Any awkward moments?

He made quite a few lazy sex jokes that didn’t land.

Good table manners?

He’d never been to a restaurant that serves small plates, but I think he got the hang of it.



Best thing about Alan?

He’s clearly very dedicated to the causes he supports. And who doesn’t love an Irish accent?

Would you introduce him to your friends?

He’s very different; I don’t think he would enjoy their company.

Describe Alan in three words

Friendly, talkative, principled.

What do you think he made of you?

Irritatingly confident. Too keen to fill silence with anecdotes about myself.

Did you go on somewhere?

To a bar for a pint. I did politely veto his first suggestion, as it was empty, and took him to somewhere much more appropriate.

And... did you kiss?

No. I was relieved he didn’t ask for my number.

If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?

I should have got an Uber to the restaurant. Instead, I walked in the rain and spent the entire evening with wet jeans on.

Marks out of 10?

5.

Would you meet again?

No. As lovely as he is, there was a lack of chemistry.

• Alan and Michael ate at Crispin, Spitalfields, London E1.

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