For those of us who are trans, we may think that the hard part is over when we come out. In my experience, that’s not necessarily the case, unfortunately. It’s a never-ending battle of coming out, clarifying, pleading and, in many cases, educating.

Recently, I came out to my parents, and while my coming out went so much better than I anticipated, I soon noticed that something was wrong. While my friends, extended family members, and even coworkers had adapted to my new name and pronouns, my parents still seemed to struggle.

Being the person I am, I feared some kind of confrontation, so I decided I would write them a letter and hand-deliver it. Spoilers, they took it well, but I would like to take some time to share what I wrote. That way, other parents or family members of trans* kids might learn a little about what goes on in their kids’ heads when they misgender or deadname them.

Without further ado, here’s my letter to my parents:

Dear Mom and Dad, I know this has been a difficult year with so many moving parts and surprises, but I feel the need to get this out there. I’ve been trying to find the best way to bring it up, but I can’t imagine another way that won’t end up with hurt feelings or some kind of conflict. Anxiety sucks. Anyway, it’s been quite a while since I came out to you as transgender, and I’m so happy that you’ve been understanding about it. However, one thing has been weighing heavily on me for the past couple of months, and I think it’s time I cleared the air. I’d really like it if you could try calling me by my chosen name: Ada. Now, obviously, [deadname] is not a bad name. I’m not trying to say that. I just don’t feel that it fits me anymore. I’m not sure if I told you this, but the name was what stopped me from accepting myself for so long. I knew that the choice to change my name would break Dad’s heart. Please know that I put a lot of thought into the name that I chose, and I chose it based on an old family name on Dad’s side specifically with him in mind. As for the middle name, I went back and forth. I remember talking to mom a while back, and she had mentioned something about the name [middlename]. At that point, I had already chosen my name and was pretty happy and comfortable with it. In fact, all of my friends were already calling me Ada. It just felt right. I made the decision to take [middlename] as a middle name. I also considered [momname], but I figured that would be a bit too on the nose. I love the name Ada, and many people like it, too. It just feels like me. However, I recognize that you may still be struggling with it. I know it’s a huge adjustment (and traumatic, to quote Dad). However, it really hurts when people I love blatantly misgender and deadname me. It makes me incredibly sad. I know nobody’s perfect and that slip-ups will happen, but it would make me happy if you could at least try to use my chosen name and feminine pronouns. Friends, other family members, and even people at work have made the adjustment. At the moment, you’re the only hold-outs. I know it’s not intentional. I’m not angry. I just really want to try and leave [deadname] behind me because I was never really happy as [deadname]. The six months since I took this huge step have allowed me to breathe freely for the first time. That’s not to say I never had good times, but they were always clouded by this deep-seeded self-hatred. The name is just a reminder of that. I hope you understand. I love you both. Best, Ada