Never has the blog's Five Minute Rule been more important to the survival of the Republic. To recap, the rule states that, whenever any member of the extended Paul family speaks in a political context, that person will make sense for exactly five minutes. Then, at exactly the five minute mark, the person will say something that leaves open the possibility that they grew up somewhere in the Dagobah system. Then you spend several minutes doubting your own judgment.

So, at noon on Tuesday, as Aqua Buddha announced that Ted Cruz would not be running unopposed for the Republican presidential nomination, I started listening closely at about the 3:30 mark, just to make sure I wouldn't miss anything. My vigilance in this regard was richly rewarded.

First, there was...

Congress will never balance the budget unless you force them to do so. Congress has an abysmal record with balancing anything. Our only recourse is to force Congress to balance the budget with a constitutional amendment.

The Worst Idea In American Politics! Right off the top! How can he possibly top that? Watch in amazement!

I ran for office because we have too many career politicians. I believe it now more than ever. We limit the President to two terms. It's about time we limit the terms of Congress!

Another stupefyingly bad idea, and not an entirely constitutional one, either. Which makes it strange coming from a guy who also believes...

We need to boldly proclaim our vision for America. We need to go boldly forth under the banner of liberty that clutches the Constitution in one hand and the Bill of Rights in the other.

First of all, banners don't have hands. Second of all, you can carry the Constitution and the Bill of Rights in one hand because they are part of the same document. I mention this because, one day, Aqua Buddha might want to go boldly forth while eating a sandwich.

I'm sorry. I know this was a serious event and all. The gang at liberal MSNBC was all a'quiver with anticipation. Chris Cillizza laughed off the fact that Aqua Buddha is polling in single digits at the moment by cautioning us that he stands to inherit Crazy Uncle Liberty(!)'s massive field organizations, the ones that propelled the latter to one third-place finish after another. Chris Matthews called Aqua Buddha a "philosopher." Not to be too much of a contrarian here, but these people have to be kidding.

The man is a simpleton.

Honest to god, the "Read The Bills Act"? How does he plan to enforce that? "Put down that copy of 50 Shades, Feinstein. Pick up that omnibus reconciliation act and let me hear it. LOUD!"

From the time I was a very young boy I was taught to love and appreciate America. Love of liberty pulses in my veins not because we have beautiful mountains or white sand beaches, although we do, and not because of our abundance of resources. It's more visceral than that. Our great nation was founded upon the extraordinary notion that government should be restrained and freedom should be maximized. America, to me, is that beacon. We are unique among the nations that our — that our country stands for freedom. Freedom nurtured our country from a rebellious group of colonies into the world's greatest nation.

I like mountains. I like beaches. I like beacons. I'm lukewarm on anyone's viscera except my own, which I try hard to keep out of sight. As to the whole business about how America is unique because it stands for freedom, I yield the floor to Mr. W. McAvoy (BELGIUM!) of Atlantis Cable News.

From an early age I worked. I taught swimming lessons, I mowed lawns, I did landscaping, I put roofs on houses, I painted houses. I never saw work though as punishment. Who always gave me a sense of who I am. Self-esteem cant be given; it must be earned. Work is not punishment; work is the reward.

And it helps if you can self-certify yourself for a career.

The policy prescriptions are a mix of old bad ideas, like the idea of "freedom zones," which fell into disuse in Republican policy circles around the time Jack Kemp hung 'em up, and which, in any case, usually amount to creating maquiladoras in Detroit and Cleveland, and comically transparent attempts to reconcile his recent turn toward hawkishness and all that stuff that made him such a brogressive mancrush a few years ago.

In my vision for America, freedom and prosperity at home can only be achieved if we defend against enemies who are dead set on attacking us. Without question we must defend ourselves and American interests from our enemies, but until we name the enemy, we can't win the war. The enemy is radical Islam. You can't get around it. And not only will I name the enemy, I will do whatever it takes to defend America from these haters of mankind.

Whatever it takes, Gracie?

Warrantless searches of Americans' phones and computer records are un-American and a threat to our civil liberties. I say that your phone records are yours. I say the phone records of law-abiding citizens are none of their damn business. Is this where we light up the phones? The president created this vast dragnet by executive order. And as president on day one, I will immediately end this unconstitutional surveillance. I believe we can have liberty and security and I will not compromise your liberty for a false sense of security, not now, not ever.

Every president since James Madison has tried to strike this balance, and all of them (except Madison) have failed. Lincoln suspended habeas corpus. Wilson was a civil liberties nightmare. FDR interned the native Japanese. Let's not even go into what happened during Vietnam, or after 9/11. All of these presidents, I dare say, were sharper knives than Aqua Buddha is. I do not think that he will succeed where Lincoln failed. Especially since he apparently believes that the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the banality of candidates.

It angers me to see mobs burning our flag and chanting "Death to America" in countries that receive millions of dollars in our foreign aid. I say it must end. I say not one penny more to these haters of America.

Good for you, boyo. Here's a cookie.

And, of course, there's his vaunted "outreach" toward the African American community, which was best exemplified by his hilarious appearance at Howard University a while back.

I see an America where criminal justice is applied equally and any law that disproportionately incarcerates people of color is repealed.

That would be practically every law there is. And how does he plan to "repeal" state and local statutes? That would seem to be a Big Government approach to the issue. Pro tip: he has no idea. This is a line to get white people on TV talking.

I see an America with a restrained IRS that cannot target, cannot harass American citizens for their political or religious beliefs.

Rand on a car phone, you're next.

The elite political press has one particular tic that gets stronger on days like this one -- that is, the willingness to believe that the narrative a politician creates for himself is prima facie connected to reality. You can say almost anything in your announcement speech, and most of the elite political press at least will pretend to buy it. Ah, what the hell. At least there's somebody out there besides Ted Cruz.

Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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