50 States of McMansion Hell: St Charles County, Missouri

Hello Friends! As they say, Missouri loves Company! And boy do we have some:

Today’s house, built in 1999, has 4 beds and 5 baths, toppling almost 4,000 square feet. It can be all yours for around $750,000 USD.

Also, a note on this house: the non-master bedrooms were not staged, so a lot of personal items, therefore this post does not feature those rooms. Luckily there’s plenty of other Certified Dank™ content.

For the 3rd week in a row, we are in a Lawyer Foyer pic drought so enjoy this dining room:

Dining Room

holla

Photo by @wisteriya (?)

Office

Y’all can still learn from these roasts. Also if we’re being extremely pedantic St Charles County is actually NOT in the prairie ecosystem, it merely kisses it:

Source

Living Room

for the uninitiated: the Kinkade Scale is a measurement of how ‘an art’ something is. Also my thesis is a taxonomy of 20th century concert halls and folks, most people fall asleep in concert halls - reading about them…? hmm

Kitchen

What in the fresh hell are those built-ins over the cabinets??? What is the point of making your $30 tchotchkes look like they’re floating in mid-air? I…I, just don’t understand.

Also I’m just gonna leave this here.

Second Living Room

one of these days I’m going to make a special McMansion Hell “choose your own depressing and nihilistic yet entirely predictable to the point of cliche metaphor activity book.”

That second arch over the fireplace definitely wins the “most useless arch of, like, maybe this month” award.

Master Bedroom

Check out that sweet valance that matches the bedspread that is PEAK 1999. Also I know the rug is fake, this is about symbolism.

Master Bath

Folks, y’all should mind your typefaces, lest you embarrass yourself.

Den

Can we laugh at how the stone veneer on the fireplace is only on the front but none of the sides? Also obligatory joke about a certain pair of golden arches and a specific type of poorly built large suburban home.

The downstairs bar thing gets me every time. The funniest part is moralizing to teens “don’t drink until you’re 21″ but then there’s an entire bar in their basement with a sick pool table? What kind of message is that? Don’t go to the bar BUT HERE’S A BAR IN YOUR HOUSE.

In addition, if there’s a kid or young adult who is unusually adept at (full sized table) pool, it may be time to ask some questions about their parents’ architectural preferences, especially if you happen hate said kid or young adult.

THE THEATRE

Insert pun on [National Treasure (title)]

Insert [Extremely Passe Reddit Nicholas Cage Joke c. 2012]

Insert [I…worked on these jokes for a year…and…he…just] Joke

Insert [I’m going to steal the {topically related substitute for the Declaration of Independence} Joke]

Comedy!

Finally we get to our happy place, the rolling turfgrass meadows of the

Rear Exterior

Rear Facing Garage makes it look like the house has its pants on backwards.

Anyways, that’s it for today’s McMansion! Stay tuned for this week’s Looking Around (which will be on Sunday this week, because this Saturday is bad for me), and next week’s Montana McMansion!

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are publicly available and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2017 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)