The dilemma I would really like a fourth child with my husband. We have three amazing young kids and it’s always been my dream to have four, but he has completely decided against it. I support the family financially so that isn’t the issue, but our youngest is quite a handful, which has put my husband off having another. He says we should enjoy the years ahead as the kids are entering a fun age, which I agree with. I don’t know if I should let go and be grateful – which I am already – for three healthy, happy kids. I feel like a spoilt brat for insisting on another one. Why should I get my way? But why should he get his? My childbearing years will soon be over and I’m afraid I will resent my husband. I want to avoid this, but I’m not sure I can. Should I work on convincing him and, if so, how? If I let go, how can I work through this? The emotional pain feels so strong that I don’t know how to move forward.

Mariella replies Totally understandable. Apart from anything else, if you’re nearing the end of your fertility, you’re likely to be in the grip of hormonal activity that exerts a stronger influence than rational thought. But your dilemma is also a reminder that we’re at a crisis moment. A small number of us in the western alliance have enjoyed comparatively luxurious lives since the latter part of the last century with our choices dictated only by our desires, and our ambitions by our determination to fulfil them.

The other day I was talking to a young author, Pajtim Statovci, about his bleak but inarguably realistic novel, Crossing. In it he skewers the privilege inherent in our current susceptibility to outrage whether at gender slurs, “un-woke” ideas or anyone generally not toeing the line of what we designate acceptable thinking. Describing our “thin skins” as a luxury, he offers a reminder that for most of the world what prompts a Twitter storm on our little island is barely on the radar for the many billions for whom simply surviving is an all-consuming goal.

Certainly, we should be smashing down the boundaries of societal norms. The list of inequalities is a long one, but in context what’s truly offensive in this world are the billions of women for whom birthing four children means they might end up with one if they’re lucky, such are the odds stacked against them in terms of health, security, exposure to climate change, lack of opportunity, birthplace or sex.

I bring it up because when deciding anything, aside from where and how to find food and shelter, it’s important to remember that choice is a privilege not enjoyed equally among the world’s population, so you’re already in a lucky minority. It’s particularly pertinent when it comes to children. Across our planet there are millions of women who have no choice about when and how many times they will become pregnant. So, when you look at your healthy, happy family, spare a thought for all those who don’t enjoy such a scenario as a realistic expectation.

You can make an intellectual or instinctual decision; you can even just have a fourth child because you 'feel' like it!

You can make an intellectual or instinctual decision; you can even just have a fourth child because you “feel” like it! But should you? Well that’s just one of the drawbacks: with freedom comes responsibility and the expectation that you’ll be educated and informed enough to consider not just your own desires but the greater good. Global population growth is a concern for all mankind and is the biggest threat to the survival of the children you already have.

That covers the greater good; now let’s look more specifically at you. It’s interesting that you pitch your problem mainly as a battle of wills. Your husband says no, you say yes, and the lines are drawn for the mother of all conflicts. It’s a less-than-promising standoff between two parents in a long-term relationship. Yours is the sort of life-changing decision that requires discussion and compromise, not pistols at dawn. I appreciate that there is no actual compromise in the form of half a baby – though fostering and adoption are worthy considerations.

Over the course of a marriage the status quo is bound to evolve, or life would be tedious indeed. Your dream was to have four kids. Was it also to be the sole breadwinner? Unless we’re prepared to analyse our emotional impulses and what’s inspiring them, they aren’t our best compass. What we think we want and what we actually need can be two different things, so it never pays to be too entrenched. Although four has always been your “dream” it does seem worth taking stock of why. A lot of women experience an extreme urge to have a child as menopause draws near, so it’s worth checking in with your GP.

You’ve asked me not to make the decision for you, but to elaborate on how to cope with not getting your way, or achieving a compromise. Weighing the global picture up against your personal ambitions, the luxury of choice, irrational hormonal influence and simply being grateful for the good fortune of three healthy children seems a good place to start. Deciding whether to extend your family is down to you and that’s a privilege to be cherished, not squandered.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.