THE POKEMON COOKBOOK

K. S. Suslick, 1998

If you have no children, watch no TV, go to no movies, and do no shopping, then you may not have yet heard of Pokemon.



Pokemon is Japlish for Pocket Monsters--they are a complex set of roughly a hundred types of magically powered but benign creatures that evolve by battling against each other (in a friendly, or at least not permanently damaging, way) under the tutelage of 10 year old kids. The creatures have various superpowers and secret powers that they develop as part of the game, to defeat each other and the nasty monsters out in the Pokemon world. Collecting the cards (which are part of a complicated role playing game, but also much like baseball cards with detailed stats on their abilities, etc.) has become a nationwide craze here with a full hour of cartoons of them every day of the week.



Pokemon started as a video game and grew quickly to become a rage that has taken the 4 to 10 year olds by storm. Now there are Pokemon movies, T-shirts, wind-up toys, TV show, and god knows what else.



I've had a wonderful idea for a quick best-selling book, but I can't figure a way around the copyright: The Pokemon Cookbook. Not a cookbook of cutesy kid's recipes named after Pokemons (there are several sites on the web that feature these sorts of saccharine homage). Rather, a culinary exploration of the preparation of Pokemons themselves, using appropriate preparative methods to enhance their individual attributes.



Imagine, for example, some of the following unique recipes for various Pokemon.











Consider, for example,

Pikachu Sashimi.



A delicate dish, high in protein and very low in fat. Extreme caution, however, must be taken to fully remove the electric shock organ to avoid poisoning.



Serves: 10

Work Time: 30 minutes.

Total Time: 60 minutes.



10 pound pikachu, freshly butchered.

3 cups soy sauce

3 cups hot Japanese horseradish (green wasabe)

For the excision, one must take special care to use only wooden or stone utensils or chopsticks to avoid short circuits. The meat, when very freshly prepared, causes ones extremities to tingle for several hours due to the mild neurotoxicity of the meat. Using a very sharp obsidian knife (NO METAL), filet the pikachu by making an incision along the sternum and then along the base of the rib cage. The filet will pull away from the rib cage exposing the electric shock organ immediately beneath the rib cage: do not touch! Take care NOT to puncture this organ. Chill the filet chilled for 30 minutes and slice thinly. Serve on platter decorated with green onion or red carnations. Best served with soy sauce mixed one to one with hot Japanese horseradish (wasabe). Each serving: About 400 calories, 90 g protein, 8 g carbohydrate, 1 g total fat , 16 mg cholesterol, 585 mg sodium.









Another example:

Korean-Style Sesame BBQ of Charizard







These meaty ribs are irresistible, and self-cooking!



Serves: 500

Work Time: 15 minutes.

Total Time: 16 minutes.



200 pounds Charizard ribs

3 gal. light soy sauce

12 cups minced, peeled gingerroot

8 cups Asian sesame oil

300 large garlic cloves, minced

1 Charizard flame fuel pouch (CAUTION: Highly Flammable)

With sharp knife, slash meaty side of ribs diagonally at 1/2-inch intervals, about 1/4 inch deep. Outdoors, well away from house or flammable items, combine soy sauce, ginger, sesame oil, and garlic into four large, clean oil drums. Add ribs, and stir with wood pole to coat. Do not fill drums more than half-way to allow for boiling during cooking.

Cut open charizard flame fuel pouch and CAREFULLY pour gelatinous contents equally into the the oil drums.

Immediately place covers loosely on top of drums and move to a place of safety at least 50 yards away. The Charizard fuel will spontaneously ignite after about 30 seconds, which will set off an extremely rapid cooking. After the flames have abated, remove the ribs and serve with large napkins. Each serving: About 825 calories, 38 g protein, 2 g carbohydrate, 74 g total fat (30 g saturated), 162 mg cholesterol, 585 mg sodium.



or

Togepi Sunny-Side Up

or

Weedle Sushi





or

Steamed Krabby in the Shell





or

Plank-Roasted Magikarp





or

Tangela Pasta with Alfredo Sauce





Yeah, yeah, this is somewhat grizzly humor, but having spent hours and hours seeing the movie (twice), watched hours and hours of the cartoons, listened for hours and hours to my son talk about the relative merits of one Pokemon over another, their appeal is beginning to wane....