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Social dysphoria is more subjective and even harder to explain, but no less constant. It’s a sense of being out of place in social situations because the sense of kinship and belonging that you feel with people is in conflict with the roles, expectations, assumptions and interpersonal dynamics that are foist upon you, because of how you are perceived due to your gender. This is more of a feeling, yes, but the ever-present nature of it becomes distressing and even socially crippling.

All of that is wrapped up in “just knowing,” and that’s why it’s hard to articulate beyond that. It’s the collective weight of everything, always, until you finally make changes in your life that alleviate it. And when you do make those changes, each step usually confirms the path you’re taking (and if it doesn’t, then it’s time to reassess that step and where your personal journey is going).

What I would ask in return — and I know I can’t ask you to speak for Meghan Murphy or trans-exclusionary feminism in general here, but just from your perception of how trans people are said to pose a problem in women’s spaces — what do you see as being problematic that can’t be solved by dealing with individual issues on an individual basis and what do you see as the solution(s)?

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Kay: It’s true that “we are attracted to a lot of things in people — eyes, fashion style, sense of humour, intelligence, etc.” But to suggest that the penis/vagina and natal-male/natal-female distinctions can be lumped in with “Do you like pina colada?” is to sell a false bill of goods to people who transition. When it comes to actual relationships, marriage and procreation, human nature is human nature. We are programmed to want what we want — which is why many (though certainly not all) trans people struggle with loneliness, as their dating pool often is mapped on to a tiny subclass of sexual (and, increasingly, ideological) tastes. This is not so much a problem for many trans men, since their governing esthetic can be similar to that of some lesbian subcultures. It also seems to be relatively unproblematic for that subclass of trans women who had existed as gay men, as the transition often is mediated by sexual aspects. Moreover, some trans women who announce their transition later in life do not seem preoccupied with any kind of pair bonding, and find their satisfaction internally. But in all cases, the physical steps associated with full transition can lead to sterility — which seems like a small price to pay when you’re 18 and watching Tumblr videos. It’s a much bigger deal when you’re 28 and living alone while your friends are starting families. There are some shockingly sorrowful stories coming out of the desistance movement. Hashtags are fun during the day. But they don’t keep you warm at night.