CLEVELAND, OHIO—Sometime on Friday, if The Indianapolis Star is to be believed, Governor Mike Pence of Indiana will be chosen by He, Trump as the Republican candidate for vice president of the United States. The paper bases its report, apparently, on the fact that Pence is dropping his re-election bid, which was going to be a tough haul in any event.

IndyStar has confirmed that Trump plans to announce Pence as his selection for vice president, ending a weeks-long vice presidential casting call during which Trump vetted a handful of high-profile Republicans. Trump's national campaign spokeswoman, Hope Hicks, said "a decision has not been made." A formal announcement is scheduled for 11 a.m. Friday in Manhattan. The long-awaited decision upends the political landscape in Indiana and at least partially remakes the Trump campaign in Pence's image.

This news first broke on Thursday morning, and then some of the informed sources in Trumpland seemed to spend most of the day walking it back. Even late in the afternoon, spokesperson Hope Hicks was maintaining the company line that the decision would not be made until Friday—and, of course, with He, Trump, it's entirely possible he'll change his mind six or eight times by then. Unfortunately for Pence, the afternoon his hopes spent in limbo gave content-hungry providers all the time they needed to mine his rich history as a towering lightweight whose basic philosophy is divined from whatever bed-sniffing yahoo preacher or Hoosier plutocrat spoke to him last.

I was there in Indianapolis last year when Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, practically with a bag over his head, and then stood by and watched helplessly as his state's entire tourist economy headed for the storm drains one week before the city hosted the NCAA men's basketball Final Four, and one year before it was scheduled to host the same event for women's basketball. I've never seen a politician so obviously whipsawed by his own actions. Jesus, even the NCAA found Pence's actions morally obtuse. (The NCAA headquarters, it should be noted, is located about four blocks from the Indiana state capitol building.) Corporations announced that they would not do business in Indiana. Pence called a press conference—Kindly Doc Maddow ran the spectacular video Wednesday night—in which he appeared to take a brief sojourn to the Phantom Zone before uttering a word.

Bill Clark Getty Images

However, at some point, the voices of the Hoosier plutocrats drowned out those of the bed-sniffing yahoo preachers and Pence, backpedaling furiously, got the legislature to soften the bill enough to satisfy enough of his critics to save at least some of the state's national reputation. This, of course, earned Pence the lasting scorn of the Bible-banging elements of the Republican base, which has not yet forgiven him for bowing to such social justice warriors as Eli Lilly and the National Football League. So there will be some grumbling from that quarter if Pence rides down the golden escalator with Trump on Friday.

The weird interlude on Thursday also gave folks time to demonstrate what a very strange and completely unreconstructed wingnut Pence really is. Last year, when it all hit the fan for Pence over the RFRA law, Andrew Kaczynski of Buzzfeed went spelunking through Pence's old op-eds, and he found a rich deposit of sweet crude crazy.

Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn't kill. In fact, 2 out of every three smokers does not die from a smoking related illness and 9 out of ten smokers do not contract lung cancer.

Slippery slope, you hacking bastids!

"Those of you who find the tobacco deal acceptable should be warned as you sit, reading this magazine, sipping a cup of hot coffee with a hamburger on your mind for lunch. A government big enough to go after smokers is big enough to go after you."

He also once opposed a federal initiative to reduce the frequency of prison rape on the grounds that such regulations "bind the states," which really is an unfortunate turn of phrase. But it's on the issue of a woman's right to choose where Pence really has dedicated his life to going bananas. Of all the anti-choicers, he's one of the choicest anti-ers. He was one of the pioneers in the assault on Planned Parenthood. This past March, Pence signed a bill that would force women who undergo an abortion to…wait for it…pay for the funeral of the aborted fetus.

This, as the The New York Times points out, led to the spontaneous grassroots phenomenon of the Periods For Pence movement.

The Facebook page, Periods for Pence, started late last month, features a grimacing photo of Mr. Pence and a request that women call the governor's office to "report our periods." "You should really let him know, since he's so concerned," says an early post from the page's anonymous creator, who identifies herself only as an Indiana woman. "It will only take a few minutes of your day, but it lets them face an undue and unjust burden, for a change!" The page's creator takes particular issue with the requirement that miscarried fetuses be interred or cremated, noting that "fertilized eggs can be expelled during a woman's period without a woman even knowing" she is pregnant. "I would certainly hate for any of my fellow Hoosier women to be at risk of penalty if they do not 'properly dispose' of this or report it," the post says. "Just to cover our bases, perhaps we should make sure to contact Governor Pence's office to report our periods."

And, if any of our new Trumpian customers here at the shebeen want a reason not to like him, well, he has in the past criticized He, Trump's proposal to ban immigration from Muslim lands, and he's a big booster of the TPP, which He, Trump pretends to hate with the heat of 10,000 Balkan supermodels. And those of you sci-fi fans who have read the entire GOP platform will note that it calls for the end to the Medicaid expansion as part of the repeal of the Affordable Care Act. Pence tied himself in knots, but eventually took the Free Money! for Indiana. So you have a reason not to like him, too.

And this, I would remind you, is the "safe" choice among He, Trump's alternatives.

UPDATE (6 :15 p.m.)—Unless He, Trump is fcking with the world—always a decent longshot bet—Pence it will be. Which reminds me. Here's something else he once wrote:

"Republicans, from George Washington to George W. Bush, simply have better ideas."

Really? Well, I just happen to have President Washington right here. What did you think about political parties, Mr. President?

"The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge natural to party dissention, which in different ages & countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders & miseries, which result, gradually incline the minds of men to seek security & repose in the absolute power of an Individual: and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of Public Liberty."

Won't be speaking at this convention, that's for sure.

UPDATE 2 (7:12 p.m.)—He, Trump just tweeted that he will delay his VP announcement due to the attack in Nice. Somebody give Mike Pence oxygen. Ivanka still in the game. I freaking give up.

This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

In light of the horrible attack in Nice, France, I have postponed tomorrow's news conference concerning my Vice Presidential announcement. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 14, 2016

UPDATE 3 (8:11 p.m.)—I am now searching for my marbles. Trump can't announce his VP tomorrow because of the events in France, but he can call in to both Greta Van Susteren and Bill O'Reilly while the bodies are still in the street. And Pence has to declare for re-election one way or the other by noon tomorrow.

Click here to respond to this post on the official Esquire Politics Facebook page.

Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io