Emasculation

What It Really Means To Feel "Like A Man"

If you’re interested in hearing about guys who masturbate themselves verbally by talking about how they no longer masturbate themselves physically, enjoy this shocking expose by New York Magazine about a growing movement of men who have chosen to forego all forms of chicken choking. Despite the headline and the jerktastic topic, the article isn’t really about men touching themselves. For the men quoted in the article, the decision to refrain from self-loving had more to do with personal dissatisfaction or malcontent than with abstinence for abstinence’s sake. Most expressed feelings of inadequacy in their love lives; others were simply tired, anxious or fed up with their lot. Whatever the motivation, these men all felt emasculated.

On the one hand, I kind of get it. I can’t speak for anyone but myself in terms of what makes a man feel like a man, but I can say that today’s environment is not always conducive to it. We work in sterile office settings. Opportunities for organic expressions of physicality are rare and, at best, contrived. We spend less and less time cultivating genuine social relationships, and more time connecting virtually. Regardless of what you consider “manly” behavior, life provides few acceptable, politically correct outlets for it. If part of our masculinity is tied to our ability to control its expression, it makes sense that living in a society that removes that control would feel emasculating. Sexuality and virility are undeniable components of our identity, so perhaps for some men taking control of their sexual urges fills that void in their sense of masculinity.

On the other hand, the motivation behind these men’s decision to begin the process of self-improvement makes me think the whole concept is kind of bunk. I wasn’t aware that success and happiness were a byproduct of masculinity. I think we all know plenty of “man’s” men who are miserable, not very successful or both. If there’s any link between our masculine identities and happiness, it’s inverse. I don’t think these men were unhappy because they were emasculated. I think they were emasculated because they were unhappy. If the sense of accomplishment that comes with not squeezing one off for days or months motivates you to make other positive life changes, that’s great. But don’t think that not wanking it is some kind of magic bullet for increased masculinity. Wet dreams, maybe, but that’s about it.

Dudes, our sense of masculinity is as much a birthright as it is a sense of mind. We are literally born men, and it takes all kinds of men to make the world go ‘round. Not all of us can, or should, be Don Draper or James Bond or whatever other romanticized masculine role models we look up to. In fact, the farther down the rabbit hole of masculinity you go, the more likely you are to have more questions than answers. It’s fine if you want to spend time dissecting what masculinity means to you, but in the end, it’s something that’s both universal and individual. If you’re feeling emasculated, it’s not necessarily the end of the world or a sign of a deeper issue. Some things, like getting your ass kicked or admitting that you take advice from TED talks, are just plain emasculating. It’s just part of life. Cultivating a “masculine energy” isn’t going to make you any happier or more successful. Hell, I don’t even know how you do that. It sounds like it would involve wearing a lot of open-collar shirts and a shark tooth necklace or something.

Self-improvement is exactly what it sounds like — improving one’s self. It isn’t, or shouldn’t be, tied to masculinity or femininity or anything like that. If you’re a guy with a penchant for interior design and romantic comedies who feels like less of a man because you work among lumberjacks, self-improvement won’t fix that. All you’ll become is a guy who is better at being a romcom-loving lumberjack who lives in a well-appointed home. And that’s fine. Working on yourself won’t put hair on your chest or make you less emotional or whatever else it is that makes you feel "manly.” What it will do, though, is make you a better version of yourself, and people notice that. Maybe you’ll get an extra side-eyed glance from women because you look and feel better. Maybe your lumberjack colleagues will take an interest in romcoms because they see how happy they make you.

If you’re a virgin who spends 16 hours a day looking at porn and are feeling emasculated, then, yes, cutting back on the self-love may help.

Otherwise, spank away, guys.