True Blood Recap Roulette: Tara Rises, Crispy Russell And The Authority of Stick Figures

Anyone can just spell out what happened on last night’s episode of True Blood. In fact, you can’t swing a dead changeling without hitting someone’s recaps.

So every week this season, Queerty contributor Jason Sweeten is going to give us a different spin on the previous night’s episode: it might be a screenshot slideshow, a sock-puppet re-enactment, or even some Kabuki theater. (If we can just get the budget approved). He might not always succeed, but at least it won’t be boring.

This week: stick figures!

Tara is now a crazed, non-speaking vampire. She attacks Sookie until Pam choke-holds her.

The packmaster subplot continues, but I’ve stopped paying attention because Alcide is wearing clothes.

Once inside Sookie’s house, vampire Tara does nothing but topple large appliances.

Steve Newlin preaches about the fabulousness of vampires.

Flashback: When Pam met Eric, they both had fancy hats.

The Vampire Authority likes to pump liquid silver into Bill, Eric and Nora. I can’t un-cringe from this scene.

Steve offers $20,000 to Jessica in exchange for Jason and his fang-chipping hotness. It goes over swimmingly.

Before Tara flees, she tells Sookie and Lafayette “I will never forgive either of you.” She then gets sprayed with silver. Oops?

Chris Meloni performs some ritual that goes on for days.

He’s upset that Bill and Eric let Russell live. Staking nearly happens.

Hey, look—we found Russell! …he looks terrible.

Jason Sweeten might quit writing to pursue a career in stick-figure re-enactments.