Third Week of Stoic Dreams

This is the third week of my Stoic Dreams project. My daily meditations on possibly losing everything, including not reaching the goals I’ve set for myself continues. These meditations, especially of failing to reach my goals, were very painful at first, but I have acclimated to them to the point where I can handle them almost as well as my meditations of losing belongings and other morally indifferent things.

I also had two startling instances of “stoic joy” while I was in deep emotional pain. It was a joy that I could still be a good person, regardless of the pain or outside things that were occurring to me. This let me look at my situation as an opportunity to prove my mettle. This is a turning point in my practice of my life philosophy and I think what Seneca meant when he said that you will have a well of joy that cannot be taken away, that it comes from within yourself.

I’ve also thrown myself into reading Epictetus’s Discourses and Seneca’s Essays, partially because I was recuperating from some gum-graft surgery and found them a good distraction and partially because I felt a deep urge to go back to the sources and not get secondhand accounts. I know the secondhand accounts have helped me, but I think I’m developing my own path of a life philosophy now, more neostoic than classical or modern stoicism.

Speaking of my surgery, I found it very nerve-wracking to be in the chair. This was a great opportunity to use a technique from Seneca, which was to think of brave rolemodels and compare their trials to my own. Partially because I’m so impressed by it, I thought of Gaius Mucius Scaevola, who put his right hand in a fire and had it burnt off while he was captured to prove the bravery of romans. If he was able to do that for sheer bravado, I could handle some small oral surgery with painkillers to enhance my health.

I also found it very useful, when I ran into obstacles (even though I was using the “reserve clause” e.g. “God Willing, I’ll do what I set out to do today”) to think of obstacles as fuel for me. I’m vaguely reminded of a quote by a cartoon villian of my youth. “Everything I touch is fuel, fuel for my hunger for power!”, where the stoic equivalent is “Everything I touch is fuel for my virtue and moral excellence”.

Focusing on being honorable and virtuous has helped my state of mind and helped me take more appropriate action. I’m starting to develop my own path through through the philosophical teachings. I have noticed less irritation at being irritated. I’m coming to believe and practice that fear of failure is not failure.