Blended

Besides being a great movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, it also explains my family. My boyfriend has a wonderful little daughter. Since we both know there is no we don’t want to leave each other and would rather stay together, we co-partner. We talk and hang out with her mother and stepdad. We go to her older sisters birthday parties and spend Christmas together as one big family.

Now days working with the person you made the baby with, even though you are not with them anymore, has become more common. Which is great for everyone. It can be some what stressful when the big things come up. Being on the same page as 3 other people, two you don’t live with, about one little person that needs you to be there for her, can be very tirering. We have to act like adults and put what is best for the little girl first.

Now if you know me personally, you know I can be strong headed and never wanted kids. But here I am! I have learned how to be flexible and love her as my own. Not saying it didn’t take some major mental changes to become this way over the last year.

I was never the one who wanted to play house and if I did, there was no why in heck was I going to be the mommy. I usually was the dog if I got to pick. I had just got out of a marriage that didn’t work out and was not good for my mental or physical health. My ex-husband is a good man, but not the one I was ment to be with. We didn’t see eye to eye and he pretty much gave me the choice of having a baby with him or leaving. I stuck to my guns, because I knew I would never be happy have a child with my DNA. I would end up hating him and maybe the kid for just being there.

I loved him very much and even though we don’t talk, (he wasn’t happy that I got in to a relationship so quickly after we split.) he will hopefully make a great husband to the right woman and a great dad. Yes, I have bashed him to my friends and said mean things, but I think that is a part of the healthing process. I’m pretty sure he has done the same about me and I can’t blame him. He has said some nasty things that I have heard, but all is forgiven. I will not hold it against him because he wasn’t ready to let go.

Now that I am with my boyfriend, I see that I didn’t need all the fancy things that I thought I needed but I didn’t. I now live in a much smaller house with just my boyfriend and I. On weekends we have his daughter, who I clam as my own. ( Her mother and I look close enough that she looks like she could be my bio daughter.)

Through everything I have had to learn how to live life a different way. I am currently relearning how to love myself and take care of myself. I have been having a hard time lately with my depression and anxiety. This makes it pretty hard to be there for my bonus daughter. Thankfully everyone understands and lets me have my space or whatever I need to get out of my rut.

Yesterday I made myself take a shower and I felt like I should have gotten a Grammy for it. Today I had to work, but with my job if we aren’t busy we can sleep, and that is what I did. I hurt from my neck all the way down my back from just being stressed for no reason. I felt horrible. Tonight is a little better, and I hope tomorrow is even better. For right now I am going to take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. I know some time in the future I will see the light in my darkness. I know I have my wonderful boyfriend, my bonus daughter and the support of her mother and step father, along with the rest of my friends to get through until I see the end of this dark place I am.

If you are my friend, family or someone I know, thank you for being there and reaching out. It truly means a lot. If you have a friend that is where I am at, or worse, reach out to them. You could be the person that pulls their head above water and saves them.



Nicole