Diablo, Lord of Terror, Hires a Contractor

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: HALLS OF AGONY

I AM DIABLO, LORD OF TERROR, DESTROYER OF SOULS, THE FIRST AMONG THE EVILS OF HELL. ONE WEEK AGO, A HERO STRODE THROUGH MY HALLS OF AGONY, DESTROYING MY RACKS, AND IRON MAIDENS, AND UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIRS, AND PICNIC TABLES, AND OTHER KINDS OF RACKS. I WISH TO SEE THE HALLS OF AGONY RESTORED SO ONCE AGAIN MY MINIONS MAY REND THE FLESH OF THE INNOCENT AND BREAK THE BONES OF MY ENEMIES.

DIABLO, LORD OF TERROR

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From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

Subject: re: HALLS OF AGONY

Hello there,

Thanks for contacting Aaron and Sons Contracting, a licensed general contracting company approved by the Better Business Bureau.

Can you be a little more specific about the scope of this job? Or otherwise I can send Douglas over later this week to take a look and give you a formal estimate.

Thank you,

Aaron Andersen

Aaron and Sons Contracting

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From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

ALL THE RACKS ARE BROKEN. MOST OF THE IRON MAIDENS. LOTS OF METAL GRATES THAT HELD HOT COALS. EACH OF THE HALLS OF AGONY NEEDS AT LEAST THREE PICNIC TABLES SO THAT BREAK TIME CAN HAPPEN.

ALSO, I WOULD LIKE SOME MORE CRATES OR BOXES OR SOME OTHER STORAGE THAT IS CONVENIENT AND ATTRACTIVE, MOST OF THAT WAS ALSO BROKEN.

DIABLO, LORD OF TERROR

PS: I WAS REFERRED TO YOU BY ANGIES LIST AND WOULD LIKE MY 5% DISCOUNT.

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From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

Subject: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

Diablo,

I think it’ll be easier if Doug just swings by and takes a look at the job, then we can give you a clean estimate that takes everything into account. Will you or an employee be around this Thursday morning sometime between 8 and 10am?

Aaron



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From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

YES, AN EMPLOYEE. HE IS NAMED BORGOZ, CRIPPLER OF PRINCES AND HE IS A GIANT GLOWING YELLOW BAT THAT EMITS A LETHAL ELECTRICAL CHARGE. INSTRUCT DOUGLAS TO RING THE SECOND BUZZER, THAT SHOULD GET THROUGH TO HIM, OTHERWISE YOU CAN CALL MY CELL AT 612.666.6666 AND I WILL TRACK HIM DOWN.

I WANT TO SEE THE ESTIMATE BEFORE ANY WORK STARTS, THOUGH. BORGOZ WILL BE ABLE TO SHOW YOUR MINION AROUND, HOWEVER AND HELP HIM GET STARTED ON PLANNING THE PROJECT.

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From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

OK! Douglas is back, it sounds like you’ve got quite a place over there. I’ve attached a proposal that outlines the work we’d do, the schedule for completion, our fees, and so forth, we hope you’ll consider us for the job.

Douglas mentioned that he found significant structural damage in the second Hall of Agony, and recommends strongly that we rebuild some of the foundation in order to prevent future damage or even a possible collapse.

You’ll note the Angie’s List 5 percent discount at the end of the proposal!

Aaron

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From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

THIS PROPOSAL IS OUTRAGEOUS. WHO DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, SHITBRAINABLO, LORD OF JUST FALLING OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK? AT $850 AN IRON MAIDEN I MIGHT AS WELL BUY RETAIL AT MENARDS. AND MY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN FLAYING HIDES AND DISLOCATING JAWS AND SO FORTH IN THE SECOND HALL OF AGONY SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL, AND NOBODY’S EVER MENTIONED ANY STRUCTURAL DAMAGE.

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From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

I NOTICE THAT IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL DAYS SINCE YOU LAST RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL, AND I REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE BEEN OVERLY HARSH REGARDING YOUR PROPOSED CONTRACT. HOW ABOUT WE KNOCK 10 PERCENT OFF THE TOP AND CALL IT A DEAL?

YOUR FRIEND IN UNHOLY TERROR,

DIABLO

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From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

5 PERCENT?

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From: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

To: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

I think we can do another 5 percent.

We’ll have our guys over next Monday. And if you can have your people clean up all the skulls and blood before we get there, that’d be great.

From: TheBigD@diablolordofhell.com

To: aaron@aaronandsonscontracting.com

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: HALLS OF AGONY

FINE, WE’LL CLEAN UP THE SKULLS.