I recently applied for the Peace Corps and was offered an interview for the position of Crop Extension Specialist in Tanzania. While I am very excited about a lot of things, I am nervous about one thing- the possibility of being in the closet for 2.5 years of service. Of course, LGBT volunteers have served successfully in Tanzania in the past and I am sure that I am capable of finding coping mechanisms to deal with the difficulties of being closeted. A complicating factor, however, is Dude’s transition.

If I’m in the Peace Corps, while we may be able to talk on the phone, we will not be able to see each other except on occasion when I get some vacation time. Dude is going to try and live in Tanzania for a period of time while I’m there, if possible, but even if that works out we will not be living together and will likely not see each other for months at a time. Considering how many changes testosterone has already caused, one of my fears is meeting up with someone who looks and seems completely different from the person I remember. Even more upsetting is the possibility of Dude passing so well that, if she visits, locals have no reason to think I’m any different from a straight woman. Not being able to come out is one thing, my spouse and I actively looking like a cis-het couple is even worse.

It isn’t just Tanzania that I’m worried about. I expect it to bother me, but I also expect to have a lot more on my mind and it’s temporary. I’ve spent time in the closet before, I can do it again if it’s for a good reason. But when I come home? When I come home and suddenly my spouse and I appear to be nothing more than a typical straight married couple? Complete with all the cultural assumptions and rage-inducing invisibility that come with that? No thank you. It makes my skin crawl.

I’m not a lesbian strictly because of who I choose as romantic and sexual partners. That is an element of it, of course. It’s the defining factor. But the experience of being a lesbian has very much shaped who I am- my ways of interacting with the world and the ways in which the rest of the world interacts with me. My history is different in some ways from the history of straight people. My version of pop culture. My experience with men and women. My lesbianism is at the center of how I see myself in the world around me, my priorities, and my very personality. I don’t stop being a lesbian when I’m single. I was never not a lesbian- even when I had no romantic partners and was not looking for one. I am just as much me when I’m single, so why is it different if I’m with a man?

I know. Loaded and twisted question. It fucks my mind up every time I think about it. Because, in some sense, of course it’s different. If I were to suddenly start regularly dating men (let’s just pretend Dude isn’t a factor for the sake of this argument)- trans or cis- of course I would be changing that part of myself. Of course I would not be a lesbian. I may be bisexual or maybe some version of slightly queer considering my history (if we’re arguing- and I think I am- that the experience of being queer creates additional layers of queerness). But that isn’t what happened. I married what I believed, at the time, was a woman. I married the woman I had been dating for 3 years and we were married for nearly a year before transition was even mentioned. Now that my spouse is transitioning we are facing the very unexpected problem of whose identity to prioritize when or how to skirt the issue altogether. Little things like using the term ‘spouse’ instead of ‘husband’ (erasing of my lesbianism) or ‘wife’ (erasing of Dude’s gender) have become regular compromises in our lives and seem to work pretty well. But it isn’t always easy and everyone and their cat has an opinion, sometimes a very strong and angry one. Even within broader queer community there are those who object to me continuing to call myself a lesbian.

I am beyond grateful to have a spouse who understands my feelings and wants to find a way for both of us to be as authentically ourselves as possible, but it’s still a difficult road. And navigating these changes from without being able to see each other for a while and then coming back to a home that will almost certainly view us completely differently from how they do now is going to be a real challenge.