After ruminating on the issue for quite some time, I have come to the conclusion that the United States of America should annex Canada. As America’s hat, Canada has provided centuries of fashion and warmth to Alaska and Maine, our vulnerable ears, and has offered millions of American youth a sanctum for underage drinking and ice fishing. But as long Canada is a sovereign nation, we cannot fully exhaust its utility. Therefore, it would be in the interest of all parties involved to render Canada part of the United States. Here is why:

Firstly, hockey is in right now. Cool kids like hockey. So does hockey analyst Barry Melrose, and he is pretty much the James Dean of ESPN. The lockout is over, and people really dig the guys on skates. Just as Republicans and Democrats mustered the brinksmanship necessary to juke the Fiscal Cliff, NHL owners and players took on the rinksmanship to settle on a deal that inevitably made the vast majority of them multi-millionaires. Many of the best pro hockey teams are Canadian anyway, so why not just claim all of that money and all of those bragging rights for the good ole U-S of A? If Canada becomes part of the United States, our GDP will soar because hockey is just so fetch.