For this week’s Dear Vox Machina, we tapped the elegant Keyleth to handle some questions of delicate matters. We only discovered later that she was the completely wrong person to answer questions about social graces, but now it’s too late. We here at the Tal’Dorei Times refer to this as “a lesson learned.” Unfortunately, our regular advice columnist Ms. Perrington is still on vacation and we had space to fill, so we decided to run the piece anyway. The opinions expressed in this publication belong solely to Keyleth and do not reflect the opinions of the Tal’Dorei Times, it’s staff, or it’s affiliates.

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Dear Keyleth,

I was invited to a party out in Whitestone, which I found very strange because last I checked the people of Whitestone were not the partying type. The hostess asked us to bring vials of human or elf blood for the party, but I just don’t have any. What would be an appropriate alternative hostess gift in this situation?

~ Eittican’t

Dear Eittican’t,

Trust me, as someone who is constantly forced into uncomfortable social situations, I completely understand where you are coming from. The key to any type of gift giving is to keep that person’s interests and needs in mind. Are they a friend who just overcame the literal personification of their inner demons? Maybe they’d like a raven skull as a token of their righteous comeuppance. Maybe they’re a seemingly trustworthy Illithid you found in a dark cave. In that case, they might appreciate something as simple as your undying loyalty. Which, in hindsight….

You know what? Just get them flowers. That’s probably your safest bet.

Dear Keyleth,

I came across a mysterious weapon lying on the ground the other day. I asked around, but it doesn’t seem to belong to anybody. I know the right thing to do is to turn it over to the constabulary, but I feel this strange urge to keep it to myself. Also, I think it may be talking to my dog. What should I do?

~ Stuck With a Sword

Dear Stuck,

Where did you find this sword? Does it happen to tell you that it’s hungry? You haven’t been in any abandoned mansions recently, have you? Not that I know anything, or am pulling from any type of personal experience. I’m only asking because it would simply add context so that I may further adequately answer your completely random and harmless question. Stuck, why don’t you reach out to me at Greyskull Keep in Emon, so that I may further help you with your problem. Not that it’s a problem! No need for panic! I hope to hear from you and your sane mind very soon.

Dear Keyleth,

I’ve had a crush on this one friend for ages. She’s just gone off to fight a dragon, but I’m really worried that she won’t come back and I’ll never get the chance to profess my true feelings. I have no experience fighting dragons, but I want to be by her side. Should I chase after her even though everyone says I have two left feet and I’m more likely to cut off my own arm before slaying a dragon?

~ Clumsy in Love

Wait, she’s already left? Oh well, good luck catching up to her. Honestly, you probably should have already made this decision. It’s a big world out there, Clumsy. She could be halfway across the continent by now in any direction. Or she could be in some bulette’s stomach being slowly digested. Or she could have tripped and fallen into a rogue acid pit, and is slowly being melted from the outside in. Or she could have been kidnapped by a roving band of goliath bandits, and is being denied any form of nourishment. Really, what I’m saying is that anything could happen. It would truly be a miracle if she even made it to the dragon at all! So, due to all that, I’d say you don’t really have anything to worry about anymore. Whatever reasons you had for wanting to crush this friend, let them go and move on. She’s probably not coming back alive, and I believe you will find the forgiveness to be very freeing for your soul. Peace and luck to you, Clumsy.

Looking for advice on how to handle social situations? Leave your questions for Keyleth in the comments!



Image credits: Sedona Parnham, Kit Buss