It’s not easy to find a mentor who will tell you what to do when the Feds show up to take you away. Max Regian is happy to step in and give you some helpful bits of advice.

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Maybe you convinced people to give you money believing that you would invest it but, instead, you used it to fund living in a penthouse apartment. Maybe you sold drugs to a bunch of people and now you think half of them were undercover police officers. In any case, the Feds are on to you, and the clock is ticking down to the time when they eventually come through your door like, well, like Feds with a warrant. When they do arrive, you should at least be prepared and comfortable to make life easier for all parties involved. Here is my guide to preparing for your upcoming federal arrest.

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1. Don’t prepare at the wrong times

There’s a 95% chance that when the Feds come to arrest you, it’s going to be Tuesday through Thursday, around 6:01am. Do not spend Friday through Monday jumping every time you hear a knock at the door. The Feds are highly unlikely to show those days as there are both legal and operational reasons for this.

First, judges believe that even criminals should get a good night’s sleep and, therefore (unless the Feds can prove that it is absolutely necessary) search warrants and arrest warrants can only be executed between the hours of 6AM and 10PM. That is a solid eight hours of sleep. Do not squander this time playing video games or watching late-night television. You do not want to have bags under your eyes when your photo appears in the newspaper.

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Also, Feds are salaried employees, so there’s no overtime like regular cops and, thus, no reason for them to stay late to work longer on your arrest. They will start that day as early as possible and do whatever it takes to make sure that they can get home quickly. Most likely, they have been up since 3AM, JUST FOR YOU. Once you are arrested, there will be a race to get you to the court before the other Feds get their people to the same court just so they can get home and back in bed.

Second, you will not be arrested on a Monday because of the weekend, during which the Feds were not working. No Fed wants to get together with a bunch of people at the crack of dawn on a Monday and hope that everyone remembers the plan that was prepared and briefed the preceding week. You know how that works out when you do it with your friends? Now imagine all of those friends have guns.

Finally, Friday arrests relate to the “no overtime” thing once again. Should the Feds arresting you not punt you into the court queue early enough, they may end up waiting with you for your initial appearance until 6PM. On a Friday night. Believe it or not, the Feds are not just government robots that have sacrificed all identity and fun just so that they can carry a gun. They are regular human beings with badges and a cool job and they know there are people out there who are completely turned on by this fact. Any delay in getting to the bar makes it less likely that they will be able to impress upon these people just how sexy their job makes them, leaving the door wide open for those people to go home with a possible criminal (which, by the way, is everyone in the bar who isn’t a Fed).

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2. Wake up early, shower, and eat

6:01AM is REALLY early, and unless you want to wake up to the soothing sounds of a BlackHawk DE-MS Dynamic Entry Thunderbolt Monoshock turning your door into toothpicks, it is a good idea to be up early and ready to answer the Feds’ initial knocks. I recommend waking up early enough that you can accomplish a simple morning ritual before you meet your new friends.

Shower (please, because it’s going to be a long day), and get dressed in some comfortable clothing that does not require belts, shoelaces, or strings. Due to a fear that you may hang yourself when no one is looking, these things will be taken away from you either before transport or before you are turned over to the Marshals. Remember, this is a Federal race and delaying it will only upset the officers. There is nothing weirder than being handcuffed and then having a Fed change your pants for you (unless, of course, you happen to be the Fed who is doing the unbuttoning of a handcuffed man’s pants). Also, don’t get too caught up in picking out an outfit and no jewelry or piercings. The government will provide you with all the hardware you need and nothing goes with stainless steel wrist bracelets.

Also, eat breakfast. It’s going to be a long day, and you can’t beg for your freedom without proper nutrition. Eat something that is going to be filling, and will take some time to digest, like steel-cut oats. Lunch is a long way off and slow carbs will give you the energy you need while, simultaneously, leaving you feeling full and satisfied and ready to face the day (a day which will involve facing a judge, begging for leniency, etc.)

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3. Don’t sleep naked.

Let’s say that you decide to ignore all of the advice that I have given you in regards to preparing for your long-term vacation. At least do everyone a favor and sleep with some clothing on. Unless you are a supermodel, no one wants to have to handle a naked person. And if you happen to be a man, please wear enough clothing so that it covers your genitals and any rolls of fat.

Well, there you have it. If you follow these simple steps, your potential admission into the loving arms of the Federal Prison System will be a smooth and painless one. However, I can’t make the same promises once you are a member of said prison system. Good luck, God speed and do yourself a favor and don’t break the law.

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Photo: Marktee / flickr