NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that he had recently broken up with a longtime partner, local man Pete Kempton, 36, told reporters Monday that he was “not really looking to date right now,” conveying the misguided belief that he was somehow exempt from the all-powerful, mysterious whims of Eros. “It’s been five years since I was single, and I’m just looking forward to doing my own thing and not getting romantically involved with anyone for a while,” said Kempton, as if Cupid’s arrow could not at any moment pierce his heart, casting an unbreakable spell that would send him into fits of infatuation for which the only remedy would be the sweet caress of his beloved. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair for me to start a relationship with someone when that’s really not something I’m ready for yet.” The hapless, stumbling pawn in love’s bewildering labyrinth then added that he wanted to spend some time focusing on himself, as though he had some kind of control over when he would next be overcome by the strange, incurable malady that has afflicted mankind since the dawn of time.

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