Ubisoft are copping a lot of flak today from WHINY FEMINISTS because there aren’t any playable female characters in Assassin’s Creed: Unity or in Far Cry 4. Ubisoft say it’s not because they didn’t WANT to include women, they just couldn’t figure it out or didn’t have the money.

But apparently that’s not enough for these bleeding heart liberals! Well I’m here to issue some STRAIGHT DOPE on why women should just shut up about this and get back to whatever it is women do (I don’t know, I’m between relationships right now).

1. It’s just not realistic to have women in these sorts of games.

Assassin’s Creed is a game where you use a magic computer to travel backwards in time through your DNA. This isn’t some stupid Cooking Mama game like women normally play. This is hard science. It’s just not realistic to expect that when you travel back in time through a magic DNA computer that one of your ancestors might have been a woman.

Now I may have dropped out of high school level biology but I’m PRETTY SURE you don’t need a woman to have a child. And correct me if I’m wrong here, but women and men have different bodies and mens are just better at killing. That’s a fact. That’s why they do all the armies? Read a book, morans.

Some SUPER FEMINISTS like to point out that literally the most famous assassin of the French Revolution was a woman and that women played an enormous role in the French Revolution. Well look I don’t think Ubisoft have to get all the details right. Let’s cut these dudes some slack. The textures in the game are sick.

2. They’d have to change the story if it was about a woman.

It seems that these WHINY FEMINISTS just don’t understand how storywriting works. If a woman is in a story, then the story MUST feature all these scenes about how much of a woman they are. I’m talking scenes about breaking nails during combat, doing their hair before going out, and probably a cooking minigame. There’s just no way around it.

Does that sound fun? No it doesn’t. My game is for men and about mens, which I am one of (a man).

One of my favourite scenes in a game is the one where my male character has to do a man thing, like use a standing urinal. I’ll always remember that classic line of dialogue where he went to the toilet and said “I’m so glad I’m a man because only a man could do this”. It’s things like that that make games great.

Also there was a scene where my male character went to a brothel and had sex. With women! That couldn’t have happened if he was a women, could it? It’s not LARRY Croft??

You just CAN NOT have a game with a woman in it without forcing that game to be ABOUT women. I can’t think of any examples of this at all.

3. Video games is for mens so women are not important.

Games are for men. Women think they can come along and tell us what to put in our games? That’s basically discrimination, probably. I won’t stand for it.

SCIENTIST EGGHEADS like to point out that 47% of gamers in Australia are women. Well those “facts” can get lost. Games are a man’s world and women can stay out. None of my female friends like to play games anyway, they’ve always got an excuse like “this game makes me sick” and “no woman would actually wear something that revealing in a fight” and “another game where you can’t play as a woman”. UGH. It’s pathetic. Women just can’t handle video games!!!!

4. Maybe the developers are telling the truth? Huh? Did you ever think of that?

If a developer says they can’t do women then they can’t do women. Who are we to question them?! Even Assassin’s Creed: Unity, which is being made by nine separate studios with a budget of millions, can’t figure out how to put women in a game without it costing too much money. Haha! Women, am I right? Sick joke.

I mean sure, maybe if they’d thought about adding women to start with, then maybe they’d have been able to figure it out. But they didn’t, because GAMES AREN’T FOR WOMEN, okay? So women should just be thankful that they even TRIED to tack it on to the end as an afterthought. At least that’s something.

Anyway Ubisoft release a game where there was a woman assassin in it once, so what the hell more do you women want? Stop complaining.

5. This doesn’t affect me and I don’t care.

There’s nothing I hate more than when people get upset about something that I don’t care about. I mean geez!! There are lots more important issues than women not being in video games and we should focus on those! Like how Watch Dogs graphics looked different from one place to another. That’s what we should be grilling Ubisoft about! That’s the real issue here. Women are so selfish.

I’m just sick of this beat-up of what is totally a non-issue. As a straight white man, I’m represented in every video game on the market. I don’t see the problem. If people don’t like video games then go make their own and stop shoving “political correctness” down my throat!!!!

Those are my reasons. I hope any WHINY FEMiNISTS reading this have the courage to admit they are wrong!!