If we’ve learned anything from the internet, it’s that people love reading lists. They also love being told what to do. Here’s 10 Ways to Shrink Your Thighs! Here’s 5 Ways That You Are a Secret Introvert!

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s add another over-condensed list to the pollution. We’ll call it, “5 Ways to Stop Growing Taller.” Sounds catchy, doesn’t it?

I’ll admit it. I don’t always feel comfortable in my own skin. I hit my head on the doorframe when I walk into a room. I’ve tried and failed to sit in an airplane seat. Children think I’m their personal monkey bars! Mostly, and this is a big one, there’s a lot of leg to shave. Too. Much. Leg.

Like self-diagnosing cancer, the internet is a great resource in which to remedy this height nuisance. After a deeply unsettling Google search, I’ve found five different ways to prevent yourself from growing. Use them at your own risk*.

Stop Exercising. Whatever you do, never ever stretch. (Source: Your Body Changing)

Maintain Poor Posture. When you slouch, you put stress on your back and wear down the discs in your spine. This could eventually decrease your height by 1 or 2 inches over time. Poor posture may lead to chronic ailments later in life, but at least you’ll look shorter. (Source: Taseer Labs)

Eat Poorly. This is especially effective during your first three years of life. All you have to do is deprive yourself of essential nutrients. Although you will suffer from delayed brain and organ development, you can successfully stunt your growth. (Source: Wikihow)

Get Elective Surgery. Am I reading this article correctly? Apparently if you’re young enough, you can try to convince a doctor to fuse your growth plates together and hope that your legs will turn out the same length. I gather that you’ll still end up with long torso, but it’s worth sacrificing your health and risking permanent deformity for the sake of losing a few inches, isn’t it? (Source: U.S. National Library of Medicine)

Take Estrogen Pills. Perhaps the most terrifying of all because people take it seriously: Doctors have prescribed high doses of estrogen since the late ‘50s to suppress growth in teenage girls. Even though it’s not approved by the Food & Drug Administration, the procedure is not yet illegal. If you can ignore the long list of side effects, perhaps this method is for you. Who cares if you are unable to have children, experience constant bleeding, and develop ovarian cysts? And that’s just the shortlist. (Source: Women’s ENews)

As a tall woman, it was difficult for me to sift through anonymous commenters as they tearfully asked different forums advice on how to stop themselves from growing. These people, mainly young women, are willing to risk a lifetime of health problems and the loss of reproductive capability for a chance to reduce their height. When asked why they did not wish to be tall, the heartbreaking answer was always, “So I can be shorter than a man.”

What are your thoughts on these extreme remedies for reducing height? How do we reach at-risk teenage girls and anyone else who feels burdened by their height? Please share with us in the comments.

*Do not attempt to perform any of these internet remedies. Myself or the Tall Society cannot accept responsibility for your actions. Also, being tall is not a disease.