My friend is a rock, she was wonderful, I don't know if it was an act, or she was surpressing her feelings, but I wish I was in that place....

I'm still not, and this seemed harder on me than it was for her?

Like I said, it brought up all those hidden feelings that I mostly keep burried deep inside, and don't let out for fear that the sobs will come again, and I won't be able to stop.

The last funeral service that I attended was for my Dad, and this brought all those memories back again. It was hard for me to be there, but I wouldn't have been anywhere else, than there showing my support for my friend....

No matter how hard it was for me.

Now, on the way home, I had to pass the entrance to the National Cemetary where my Dad is burried, and I felt like I had to go, even though I haven't been in a while.

If you know these National Cemetaries, you know that there are vast amounts of markers across the land, all flat with no definition....



As I pulled up to where I park on the circular road, I was puzzled as to where my Dad's grave was? It wasn't because I don't know....just that there are so many piled into this one area of land, and this land is completely covered in snow!!

I can't see anything but white!

I realize without even getting out of my truck, that I will never find my Dad's marker in all this snow!! I know the general area of where he is.....

But, when I have gone before, I still have to look around a bit before I find his marker.



I feel so lost............

I feel so alone............

I want to get out and go down the hill and over to the trees and walk upwards like normal, but there is snow and ice everywhere and I know that even if I did get down the hill without falling, I would have to scrape the snow away in many different areas before I find the one I am looking for.....

I just sit and cry.........

I fully expect a warmth to enfold me, to let me know it is alright....

But it never comes........

I just feel cold.......

And sad........

I don't know how long I sat there, but I realize that I will not be able to visit his grave today. I am thinking things to him in my mind, and hoping he hears me?

I blow a kiss in the general direction of his grave.....curse the snow, and drive away.

I am crying on the ride home.....this has been an emotional day for me....

And then I get pulled over for speeding.....

Didn't even realize that I was?

But I was.

I wasn't paying attention to my speed, and only when I saw the patrol car, did I look down and say "awwwww Sh*t" And then the blue lights came on.

I didn't hesitate....just pulled over, I knew it was me that he wanted....

Why not?

Nothing else is going right.....

I reached for my purse to get my license, and had it ready for him as he cautiously approached my window. Then I reached for the glovebox to get the registration. I had read that you should wait for them, so they don't think you are reaching for a weapon, or hiding something. (neither of which I would do)

He tells me that he has me doing 56 mph in a 40....

I have nothing to say but "okay"

I know that I am wrong....

Great news....this ticket will be through the roof!!!

Again, why not?

He takes my license and registration and says he will be right back.......

I just sit there thinking what a dope I am....

How did I let my emotions get the best of me?

Why wasn't I paying better attention?

At least I always wear my seatbelt, so I won't get written up for that!

He comes back, and says that he is giving me a written warning, and "try to slow down Ma'am"

Serious?

I just nod, because now the tears are rolling down my cheeks again, and I wonder how I got out of that?



I pull away, and only when I get home do I look at the warning, and see that he has put that I was doing 49 in a 40, so that justifies the warning instead of giving me the ticket that I deserved.

Sometimes you just have to wonder what is watching over you?

Was it because I was co-operative?

Was it because I was quiet?

Was it because I had been crying?

Was it because I was agreeable?

Or was it something else???

Till Next Time,

Take care,

Kat