Afta freestylin Givin My fuckin First Blowjob, I realized how tha fuck often fellatio be a topic of conversation up in mah game (SHOCKING thankin bout tha number of times I’ve done it on camera). Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I’m back ta rap mo' bout BLOWEYS! I don't give a fuck bout ta toot mah own horn here yo, but I’ve never had a cold-ass lil complaint n' I’m Kool & Tha Gang up in mah D S’N game.

Recently I found mah dirty ass wonderin “How tha fuck do you do dis wrong, biatch? How tha fuck do girls/guys give BAD HEAD, biatch? What is they bustin, readin a fuckin shitload of shitty tips up in COSMO!?” so I decided ta ask nuff muthafuckin of mah thug playaz (straight, bi, gay, n' a cold-ass lil couple porn muthafuckas) “What is all dem of yo' least straight-up thangs dat girls/guys do when givin you a funky-ass blow thang, biatch? What is some moves you love?”

I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah findings was bangin-ass but not terribly shocking. I’m bearin up in mind dat not every last muthafuckin hoe is gonna have tha same steez n' not every last muthafuckin muthafucka is gonna have tha same preferences. Nothang wack wit that, ta each they own! This list of tha 10 most shitty thangs you can do durin a funky-ass blow thang is based off of da most thugged-out common responses from men, followed wit mah opinions, underground experience, n' general lyrics on tha subject. I also ran dis by mah playa Lexi Belle, balla of Best Oral Sex Scene all up in tha 2013 AVN Awardz fo' her scene up in Massive Facials 4 (Elegant Angel Productions). This list has tha stamp of approval from a award ballin fellatio artist, so there’s all dis bullshit.

Oh, n' fo'sho, I used caps lock as often as I felt like up in dis one, like a muthafucka.

1. NOT ENOUGH SPIT

Yo, ladies, biatch? Yo ass know how tha fuck friction can be uncomfortable when you’re not wet enough, biatch? Yeah, well same goes fo' a ding-a-ling. Not every last muthafuckin muthafucka likes a supa sloppy blow thang yo, but TOO DRY = NO GOOD. I’m big-ass tha fuck into spit fetish, so spit strings, repetitizzle spitting, n' drool basically drippin down from mah grill down mah tizzlez ta mah pussaaaaay is some thangs I’m tha fuck into yo, but some playas be thinkin that’s excessive n' gross yo, but oh well, it’s what tha fuck I like.

Do what tha fuck you like, just make shizzle there’s some oral lubrication goin on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If you can deep throat, try inhalin all up in yo' nozzle n' swallowin repetitively (like drankin a thick milkshake or whatever remindz you ta swallow n' open yo' throat – you’re goin fo' dat GUH GUH GUH sound) n' if you choke or gag on it a funky-ass bit, you should be able ta git a LOT of spit going. Obviously, keepin hydrated n' havin wata all up in tha bedside be also key yo, but dat should go without saying.

Yo, side note: If you know you can’t deep throat without gaggin uncontrollably n' you’ve recently smoked or consumed brew or a juice drink, I would not advise tryin ta choke on dat ding-a-ling unless you both gotz a vomit fetish.. n' you KNOWS bout makin “DON’T VOMIT” it’s own point yo, but I be thinkin that’s sort of a given. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If it do happen, not tha end of tha ghetto, though probably a lil' bit embarrassin fo' realz. Any muthafucka should be flattered you vomited from tryin ta git as much up in as possible, though cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. That’s some dedication. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. And fo'sho, I have. Twice. It’s not tha coolest but you can straight-up recover from dat shit.

Yo, side note #2: Don’t worry bout tha weird noises kissing, gagging, n' suckin make. Those soundz just add stimulation ta tha male’s menstrual state n' boner n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Slurp away.

2. NO EYE CONTACT

Eyes is so, so, blingin durin oral. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Smile wit dem confidently. I’m not sayin you gotta stare deep tha fuck into his thugged-out ass tha entire time yo, but if you don’t look up at his ass once, he might be thinkin you’re ashamed or not havin a phat time. Let tha excitement of servicin his wild lil' freakadelic glorious tool show up in yo' eyes muthafucka! This segues tha fuck into mah next point…

3. NO SENSE OF ENJOYMENT OR PRIDE

Come on, now, nahmeean, biatch? I know a shitload of yo ass isn’t huge fanz of givin head (I can’t KNOW yo' perspectizzle but I guess I can respect dat mah playas has different preferences) but at least try ta be lookin like you’re havin a phat time n' not bustin it outta obligation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I hope you ARE trippin' off it, cuz I’d don't give a fuck bout ta hear mah playas bustin suttin' they didn’t wanna do just ta impress a muthafucka. In fact, never feel pressured ta give a funky-ass blow thang, if you don’t wanna n' tha muthafucka whines bout it, maybe you shouldn’t be blowin dat whiney lil pimp up in tha straight-up original gangsta place.

It’s not exactly a big-ass turn on ta suck a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dick like it is tha last thang you’d like ta be bustin at dat moment. I’m heavily turned on by pleasin mah partner, so GIVING be almost if not just as funk fo' me as receiving! I receive pleasure from bustin every last muthafuckin thang up in mah juice ta peep dat he is havin a pimped out time while I’m on mah knees. I be thinkin of it like I’m spittin some lyrics ta dat ding-a-ling a straight-up fuckin phat secret. Try ta only be thinkin bout tha ding-a-ling up in yo' grill n' how tha fuck it make you n' yo' partner feel, what tha fuck turns you on n' trip off bein perverts together up in dat moment. Don’t be afraid ta express yo' enjoyment verbally yo, but yo' grill should be busier suckin than bustin lyrics!

4. TOO MUCH TEETH

I’ve kicked it wit muthafuckas whoz ass didn’t mind n' is straight-up tha fuck into a lil bit of LIGHT teeth grazin on tha shaft or even light nibblez on tha balls… but again, NOT FOR EVERYONE. Most muthafuckas I’ve talked ta bout dis subject have expressed a general fear n' distaste fo' tooth ta dick contact. Be careful, open up dat jaw! I be thinkin dis problem happens most often if tha giver is up in a rush or can’t find a phat rhythm. Take a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass short break, breather, or sip of wata if you straight-up have ta yo, but try not ta treat tha dick like a toothbrush. Yo ass can n' should treat it like lipstick though, sometimes it’s funk ta just smutha all dat shiznit over tha outside of yo' grill before you swallow it like a cold-ass lil creamsicle. I gotta push it tha fuck into tha inside of mah cheek (like you’re puttin yo' finger up in yo' grill sideways… not rocket science) n' pushin it against tha cheek wall (NOT BACK TEETH) n' poppin it outta mah grill before addin mo' spit, givin just enough time wit mah grill off of tha ding-a-ling ta add ta tha anticipation of it’s return.

5. NOT ENOUGH HANDS/IMPROPER HAND USAGE

Straight-up rarely do I give a handy dat don’t turn tha fuck into a funky-ass blowie. I probably incorporate hand thang moves n' grill moves together, rockin tha handz as a extension ta tha grill. Don’t be afraid ta grab firmly all up in tha base n' use some pressure. Don’t forget tha SPIT factor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Rotatin tha hand n' changin pressure, speed, n' length of stroke be always phat like a muthafucka. Mix it up, n' read tha responses muthafucka! If you can wrap two handz round tha ding-a-ling, stacked, n' still git yo' grill on tha head — move up n' down rhythmically while twistin tha handz up in opposite directions, clockwise n' counter-clockwise. Don’t hold it like you’re afraid of touchin it n' don’t suck it like yo' grill is tryin ta run away. Make shizzle tha grip is firm but don’t rip it off, n' keep tha spit goin whether or not yo' grill is on tha head hommie! For a phat pornoxample of hand usage n' pretty much every last muthafuckin point covered here, hit up Bonnie Rotten’s phat scams durin her POV blow thang up in Facial Overload #3 (Evil Angel Productions). Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch nails tha eye contact as well, fo' certain.

Da handz rule don’t just apply ta tha genital area, while lickin tha shaft or jerkin tha ding-a-ling wit one hand, you could be caressin they stomach, chest, hip area, n' inner fat-ass thighs as well, increasin tha overall area of sensation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If tha muthafucka is standin while I’m kneeling, I gotta grab they hairy-ass legs fo' a some face-fuckin then gasp fo' air, slow it back down fo' a funky-ass bit, brangin mah handz back up ta tha base n' strokin again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. There’s not a god damn thang wack wit touchin yo ass simultaneously too, if you just cannot contain tha enjoyment you’re receivin from givin pleasure biaatch!

6. DON’T FORGET THE BALLS

Again, all back ta underground preference, n' up in some cases, pubic afro shavin preferences. If there’s a gangbangin' forest down there, I don’t blame you if you’re not up in a rush ta shove tha sack up in yo' grill… a lil bit of bizzle afro won’t bust a cap up in ya, though cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. If they’re clean n' tha dude LIKES bizzle play n' you don’t mind goin squirrel status on dem nuts, you’re both up in fo' a phat time. Maybe you’ll even progress ta tha taint or ass wit yo' tongue if that’s suttin' you’re both laid back with. At tha straight-up least, bust a nut on tha balls wit yo' handz muthafucka! I just covered it but fo' emphasis INCORPORATE YOUR HANDS, whether it’s a light tease or a gangbangin' firm grasp or tug, give dem some attention! There is pimps whoz ass is straight-up sensitizzle when it comes ta they jizz holdin manlyhood, so definitely rap or pay attention ta how tha fuck they react. Proceed wit caution. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Don’t hurt they balls… unless they ask you to. Those muthafuckas exist, like a muthafucka.

7. NO INITIATING

Do you make tha move on yo' own, biatch? Did yo dirty ass tell his ass you wanna blow him, biatch? Did yo dirty ass unbutton his baggy-ass pants n' rub it outside tha underwear up in anticipation, biatch? Do every last muthafuckin blow thang you give begin wit a request fo' one, biatch? If you’re makin up fo' like 45 minutes n' he finally starts pushin yo' head down towardz his crotch, you can probably reason he is passively askin fo' some licky-dicky. Don’t be scared ta initiate biaaatch! I don’t believe you should always have to, n' I’m straight-up appreciatizzle of pimps whoz ass go down on me first yo, but it don’t gotta go tha same way every last muthafuckin time biaaatch! Sometimes you’re up in tha passenger seat on tha way home from Vegas n' you know you can help keep tha driver alert n' awake by offerin a lil lip service. Chances are, yo' phat deedz is ghon be rewarded. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Initiatin also shows confidence n' lets tha playa know dat you’re willin n' laid back wit his muthafuckin ass.

8. DON’T RUSH IT

Don’t rush like you can’t wait fo' dat ta be “enough” fo' his muthafuckin ass. Don’t look over all up in tha clock. Don’t be thinkin bout tha errandz you gotta run. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Don’t ask his ass “Is dat enough?” or “Is dis good?” Be cognizant n' move forward accordingly. Go wit dat blow flow n' be present. Remember, foreplay is blingin son! It’s like pre-heatin a oven fo' a pizzy. Everyone involved need ta git warmed up n' tha tease is hot son! Unless it aint nuthin but a mornin quickie beej before work, take yo' time n' have funk wit it before rushin tha fuck into sex fo' realz. Avoid deliberately sighin cuz you’re just over it n' want his ass ta hurry up n' cum yo. He’ll sense yo' attitude n' it definitely won’t help his ass git off any fasta n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Short breaks is even def fo' playas tha fuck into kinky play – take it up n' slap it on yo' tongue, bust a nut on elsewhere, work tha balls (back ta 5&6), a lil tease & denial or afro pulling… whatever floats yo' boats n' keeps tha ding-a-ling erect.

9. TOO REPETITIVE

If I come across a porn scene up in which I peep tha hoe bobbin up n' down wit a fucked up turtle grill n' no variation, I’m like, “NEXT!” Don’t be fuckin BORING, fo' bustin up like a biatch up loud. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Like I holla'd up in #5, chizzle up tha hand use, or even put dem behind yo' back fo' a minute n' pretend you’re aggressively bobbin fo' apples. I gotta challenge mah dirty ass yo. How tha fuck low can I git down on dis thang, biatch? I don’t mind gaggin or hustlin short of oxygen at points, it just make me wanna go harder n' shit. Move yo' lips. Makeout wit dat shit. Circle yo' tongue round tha head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Lick from tha base ta tha tip. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Spit on it n' grab it firmly n' look his ass up in tha eye wit dat hunger n' shit. Variation is phat yo, but don’t jump n' skip round too quickly – use moderation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. For emphasis, PAY ATTENTION TO REACTIONS AND/OR COMMUNICATE. I know I’m listin all these pointas yo, but tha freshest pointa is ta NOT THINK ABOUT IT LIKE A TECHNICAL/MECHANICAL PROCESS yo, but rather a sensual experience. Don’t check off thangs up in yo' head as you go yo, but if you know dat schmoooove muthafucka has a gangbangin' straight-up move, like tha two handz or ball-suckin & licking, mix it in, go back ta some phat suckin fo' a while, alternate again, move on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If you git bugged out up in one position, chizzle it fo' realz. Ass up n' on yo' knees if he’s layin down, kneelin if he’s standing, 69ing, layin down face-up when he’s standin if you can take a shitload up in yo' throat… there be all kindsa nuff options!

10. DON’T RUN AWAY WHEN HE’S GONNA BURST

This be a tricky one. If yo' partner/boyfriend/fuck dawg whatever is tested, n' you wanna swallow his juice, open dat grill up wide n' peep his ass while he emptizzles game source down yo' gullet. I KNOW NOT EVERYONE LIKES TO SWALLOW OR BE CAME ON. Cumed on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. JIZZED UPON. Whatever n' shit. Not every last muthafuckin muthafucka can expect every last muthafuckin hoe ta be down wit that, either n' shit. Oh, n' muthafuckas – informin our asses is sick. I wanna bust a nut on hearin when a muthafucka is locked n loaded ta cum yo, but sometimes I ask fo' it cuz I can tell he’s gettin close cuz I know dat facial expression all too well. Not mah playas turns tha fuck into a perky baby bird when dat time *cums*… too much, biatch? Okay. Maybe you’re down fo' it ta be on yo' grill or tizzlez but not up in yo' grill or not swallowed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! That’s all fine n' phat hommie! If yo ass is straight fuckin opposed ta something, communication up in advizzle isn’t da most thugged-out shitty idea, yo. If a thugged-out dude be bout ta blast on yo' grill n' you suddenly do a tuck n' roll, you’re gonna fall off tha bed, he’s gonna cum all over yo' pillow… you’re betta off just takin it n' askin fo' a cold-ass lil clean towel or some baby wipes. Obviously I keep some sort of wipin material on tha nightstand next ta mah hydration station.

BONUS: NOT GIVING HEAD AT ALL

Well, dis seems like a obvious “Don’t” unless tha muthafucka simply do not deserve tha pleasure at all. Da other exception would be if you actually have TMJ. In dat case, maybe just keep tha ding-a-ling away from yo' grill n' jerk his ass off wit two handz n' some coconut oil (the dopest lube up in tha whole ghetto) or something.

Yo, suck it up. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SUCK IT. C’mon, just try dat shit. Yo ass might be surprised. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I’m bout half-kiddin wit dat peer pressure.

HAPPY SUCKING!