So, this one time, this guy was running down the street, and he ran up to some dude and was all like “Hey, you! You stole that!”

So the other guy, believing he did not indeed steal that proclaimed “No way, dude! I did not indeed steal this!”

The first guy believed this thief to be lying, and he proceeded to declare “You sir, are a liar and a thief!”

The other guy was shocked and insulted, for he had paid for his goods with legal tender cash money, and he said “You sir, are being hurtful!”

The first guy was sad. He apologized thoroughly, and walked off into the sunset, where he burned to death, because the sun is still hot, even when it’s setting.

The second guy laughed maniacally, as he had defeated his mighty foe with the mere act of purchasing goods legally. “I am the victor!”, he shouted.

“You are indeed the victor, but I shall defeat you in the next contest!” shouted a third man from off in the distance.

“Ah ha! My next opponent has arisen, then! Come out so that I may defeat you!” the second man shouted.

The third man did as he was told, except the part about being defeated, for he depantsed the second man with a loud “You curr!”

The second man was enraged. He bought some glue on ebay, and used it to glue the third man’s mouth shut. “Now I can have my victory!”

But the third man was silent. He knew that he had coated his lips in a glue-dissolving solvent, and that he could talk whenever he wanted.

“I own you!” the second man said while removing the third man’s trachea with a pitchfork and selling it to a hobo.

But the third man, undaunted, shouted “You can’t believe I’m talking because I can’t talk when my mouth is glued shut so you lose!”

And the second man did indeed lose, for the frightening ness of the third man talking caused him to take a long walk off a short pier.

The third man basked in his glory, for he was now the smartest of the smart. But he knew that there were more challengers to face in the future.

The fourth man was perhaps the most mysterious man, being a man who appeared during to above-described fracas, but no one noticed him at the time because he was hidden in obscurity, drenched in riddles wrapped in mystery, shrouded in enigma, doused with questions, hidden behind a curtain of vague speculation, next to a shroud of indifference and filled with a persistent feeling of unfulfilled curiosity, if you know what I mean. That’s right, he was so very unknown that his introductory sentence required seventy-two words in order to describe his odd, surprising, and wonderful mystery, which he manages to emanate in a quite incredible way, via a complicated system of smoke, mirrors and other mysterious means that may have, in fact, been evil means, though no one could be sure because no one knew what the means were because they were so mysterious that, were you to ever discover their true nature, you would almost have to lose your mind.

The fifth man was taciturn.

The fourth man ran up to the fifth man with a crazy and mysterious and wild rage in his crazy, mysterious and wild eyes and he did something bizarre, amazing, crazy, critical, wild and grudgingly awesome: he spoke the following words: “Hey there, you crappy little piece of garbage that is similar to the feces that comes from the rectums of monkeys in third world countries, or maybe deep down in the water, below the sea, farther down than even the sea cucumbers could ever go because the water pressure down there is so high that even the sea cucumbers would implode under the tremendous amount of pressure being exerted upon their forms by the water above them! It is my rather distinguishing personality trait that I can, and always do, speak in wildly long and unimaginative sentences that use tons and tons of commas and the word ‘and’ multiple times because they connect large groups of ideas into a sentence that is well over fifty words because it can be, isn’t that rather, how do you say, over complicated?”

The fifth man nodded.

The fourth man, in a brilliant stroke of pure, unadulterated genius, had the incredibly ingenious idea to use his phenomenal and mind-staggering wit to defeat his foolish, foolish foe, who was foolish enough to think that he could muster the sheer greatness that it would require to even stand up to a man who controlled as much greatness as himself, himself being the fourth and most mysterious of the men mentioned thus far. “You are a foolish little mindless curr if you truly and genuinely think that you can in some way provide some sort of challenge, however small, to my disturbingly great and towering intellect, which is far above and beyond any which you could ever even dream of hoping of finding someone amongst the greatest there are, myself included, who could fathom it’s sheer depth and breadth, not to mention it’s disgustingly incredible girth and height, as it does, indeed, fill four dimensions, the fourth one not being time but yet a fourth dimension of area, further proving how truly vast my great and powerful intellect is, and I have just proved it even further via creating a single, unbroken sentence that is so long that it actually contains well over one hundred and thirty words, and it does in fact contain one hundred fourty nine words, to be exact.”

The fifth man blinked.

The fourth man was truly ready to unleash the great terror that was the whole of his immeasurable mental strength upon this silly little mindless weakling of a fifth man who had not even the power within him to create a single sentence of a length beyond approximately five words, which was, to the fourth man, far too despicably small to even recognize as an entire sentence, really. “Ah ha, I see that you, the pitiful mindless and weak fool who had the unmitigated gall to come forth and challenge me, the unchallenged and undisputed master of all that which is anything in existence, for all is under my power and even more shall be once it is created as all is created merely for the expressed purpose of pleasing yours truly, are weakening in the shadow of my might that weakens all, even the bravest and most powerful of mortals, which you certainly do not qualify as, who enter the presence of I, the fourth man, who is something of an enigmatic and mysterious god figure hovering over the world like a masterful cantaloupe, ruling it all with an iron hand of justice, and a golden hand of intellect, for I tower above all in both respects, and in any other respect you, the feeble minded little weakling opponent who challenges the great fourth man, could ever think of, even if you had a seven dozen person committee working on the problem all night and all day for every day in every week in every month of every year for all eternity you would not be able to collectively make even a dent in figuring out how many respects I rule in, for the number is beyond the finite, beyond the infinite, and far beyond some other stuff…”

The fifth man watched the fourth man explode.

The fifth man stood in the arena.

The third man knew that no one could defeat him, because he had defeated a guy who had already won once, so he said “Hey there, bucko!”

The fifth man said “Hi.”

The third man was staggered. This opponent was taciturn, and would thus be difficult to defeat using clever turns of phrase. But he had a brilliant idea. “You have to sing a song or I win.”

The fifth man sang: “This song is just six words.”

The third man was daunted. He had never met someone who could sing an entire song in one sentence. “I hate you,” he called.

The fifth man cried.

The third man was sorry. He had never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings, let alone those of his good friend the fifth man. “I’m sorry”

The fifth man stopped.

The third man was happy. He had never made anyone feel better before. “Hey,” the third man said, “lets be friends!”

The fifth man shook his head.

The third man was angry, because the fifth man had rejected his love. He yelled out “Hey, are you mocking me!?”

The fifth man snickered.

The third man could see now that the fifth man was actually far more evil than the fourth man had been, and had to be destroyed. In order to destroy said fifth man, the third man went an found himself a shotgun.

The fifth man was unimpressed.

The third man shot at the fifth man six hundred times in one second, as the shotgun he had grabbed was not only a shotgun but an extremely rapid-firing automatic shotgun.

The fifth man dodged.

The third man, on the other hand, did not manage the same feat. He had accidentally pumped himself full of birdshot trying to kill the fifth man.

The fifth man won.

The fifth man was happy.

The announcer gave him his trophy, and then made the following declaration:

“As your prize, you get to give an hour-long speech. Every day. For the rest of your life!”

The fifth man killed himself.

The announcer removed his mask and revealed himself to be the second man, who, though he had taken a long walk off a short pier, was gifted with the ability to swim.

So it turns out that the second man was the winner, and the real announcer awarded him with his reward. A dead pigeon.

All runners up received undead pigeons.

No pigeons survived the making of this film.