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12 years ago, i was sitting on the edge of a mattress in the skeleton of what used to be my bedroom in the basement of my mom’s house, head in hands, dimly lit by the filthy light of a bare lightbulb. I was at the end of my rope, taking all of my strength not to take my own life. After being away for nearly a year, realizing my life’s ambition of finally moving out of the Midwest, living first in New Orleans and then outside of Portland, Oregon on an organic farm. I had fucked it all up, ending up literally right where i started. Sitting in the exact same spot, one year later, one year older. And it was all due to drinking.

Hi. My name’s J, and i am an alcoholic. To use the terminology you sometimes here around the rooms of 12-step recovery meetings, i’m a grateful recovering alcoholic. I am not, despite some people’s protestations, a recovered alcoholic. I have, as it’s stated in the A.A. Big Big, “a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition.” I have enjoyed this daily reprieve for 4,383 days, thus far, and fully intend for that to continue for as long as i continue to draw breath.

On July 21, 2007, i experienced an epiphany, a moment of grace, a dare i say it, a miracle, albeit a minor one. I’d been back in Indiana for roughly 10 days, continuing to drink cuz i knew not what else to fucking do. I was lost, scared, depressed, suicidal, at wit’s end. I was broken, and i didn’t know how to put the pieces back together again. I had roughly $50 to my name, my severance pay from the organic farm where i’d been living and working. It was enough to keep me in gigantic bottles of cheap, shitty Ingelnook Rose for a week or so.

July 21 was a Saturday, i believe. Thanks to backward, Bible Belt bluebook laws, Indiana doesn’t sell booze on Sundays. I knew I’d have to go to the store, and i’d have to buy extra to get through Sunday. Suddenly, a thought cut through the murk, clear as a bell ringing in the silence.

“If i don’t cut this out, I’m going to die. I don’t want to die.”

I was no stranger to suicidal ideation. It was my permanent state, so to speak, my spiritual home. If it weren’t for bad luck, i’d have no luck at all, as Albert King sings in “Born Under A Bad Sign.” I’d gone through countless, endless nights, fighting off the demoniac voices, telling me to drink an entire bottle of drain cleaner, to throw a noose over a beam and end my and everybody else’s suffering, just like my friend Micah had done a few years prior.

None of this stuff was the miracle. What was the miracle was i quit drinking while i still had $8. I always drank till i’d spent every last penny, and usually then some, finally resorting to lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating… whatever it took to get my next fix.

In this moment of clarity, this amazing grace, i decided to save two fingers of shitty pink wine for the morning, to stave off the dopesickness. That was my last drink.

I’ve had the good fortune to remain sober for the last 12 years. Many of my life’s dreams have come true along the way. I’ve had more amazing moments in sobriety than any one human deserves. It truly boggles the mind, and i fall to my knees and cry thanks be to the Creator every single fucking day.

My life is infinitely better than it was even during the high times of my drinking days. And yet, i can’t say it’s all been sunshine and roses. I’ve experienced more pain in sobriety than any one human deserves, as well. I’ve had countless long, dark nights of the soul. I’ve experienced enough alienation, loneliness, isolation, humiliation, poverty, starvation, than a soul should have to bear.

I mention this only in light of the fact that, although i’ve suffered, mightily, and, in reality, am suffering still, i am still not getting drunk. I’m not checking out. I’m not hiding, escaping, sticking my head in the sandman’s mud to blot it all out.

Here on this bright and sunny morning in Portland, Oregon, listening to Elliott Smith, i’ll tell you what others told me when i was first getting sober. You don’t ever have to drink again if you don’t want to.

In AA, there’s a saying you hear around the rooms. Getting sober, it takes you five years to get yr marbles back. It takes another five years to learn to use them.

So i’ve put those 10 years in, plus 2, and indeed have learned many things along the way. I’m going to share some of them with y’all, in the spirit of service, gratitude, and giving back. Later today, i’ll be DJing at an amazing event, playing electronic music to help raise fund for legal funds for immigrants. This in and of itself is a dream come true. I’ve not slept, due to the heat, my raging thoughts and heavy heart. In a lot of ways, i’m a wreck. But here in the silver light, dazed and awake, i’m still in awe of all of the goodness this world possesses. I’m still every bit as passionate as fighting the evils and injustices that are plaguing this land. Even better, i’m more capable of actually doing something about it. That thought should be enough to keep me clean another 24 hours, by the grace of my Higher Power.

What I’ve Learned During Twelve Years Of Sobriety

Let me start with a disclaimer. Everyone’s journey to recovery is going to look different. This is not a checklist, not a hard-and-fast rule book for how everyone’s journey to sobriety will look like. This is my own anecdotal experience. I don’t talk about myself all that often, as i’m rather allergic to self-aggrandizement. But i’m emerging from the shadows, briefly, to share some of my thoughts and feelings, in the spirit of giving back.

Sobriety ≠ Normalcy

Like many addicts and alcoholics, i was rather addicted to the “sex, drugs, and rock and roll myth.” I thought getting sober meant i would have to start wearing cardigan sweaters and polos and going to church every Sunday. Many do, and there’s no judgement in that, but that couldn’t be further from the truth of my experience.

In fact, i’m exponentially weirder and more unconvential than i was even as a teenage gothling. My tattoos have multiplied exponentially over the last decade+. I’ve had more hair colors than a Crayola Box. I’ve gotten into avant-garde photoshoots and drag performances. I’ve devoted myself to Witchcraft, Occultism, and Satanism that started out ironically but becomes increasingly less so with each passing day.

I am still just as skeptical as consensual reality as ever. I remain as ardently anti-capitalist and anarchic as ever. Even better, i’ve had the last 12 years to educate myself in the classic texts of a number of these traditions. In my 20s, i was an embarrassing edgelord, just another Crowley-worshipping Suburbanite. Today, i’m relatively conversant in femininist, Marxist, and other sociological frameworks. My mind is infinitely keener and more dangerous than when i was blotting out with gallons of cheap, sugary wine on the daily.

You Can Get Crazy In Sobriety

In AA, when a person’s sober but they’re not working their program, they’re referred to as a “dry drunk.” I’ve been a dry drunk in my time and mayhap may still be in a certain regard.

In sobriety, i’ve been every bit as obsessive, as paranoid, as self-centered and self-serving as my binge drinking days. I’ve been megalomaniacal, full of wild thoughts and self-aggrandizement. I’ve been jealous, territorial, verging on psychosis. I’ve been violent, cynical, sadistic. I’ve been depressive, downtrodden. I’ve been manic, hyperbolic. And yet, throughout it all, i haven’t gotten drunk.

You know the difference? You have a chance to turn all that around when you’re not drinking. I still am in the habit of replaying my day at the end of the day, taking a “fearless and thorough moral inventory,” and when i am wrong, i strive to admit it. I have to come to peace or there will be no sleep that night. I’ll play over it all, using the tools i learned in 12-step programs, assessing what’s bothering me and why. It’s become ingrained and is a highly invaluable therapeutic tool.

I may still be crazy, but that’s not all that i am. There’s hope, and that’s a sight different than when i was drinking.

Feed Thyself

I don’t recall where i saw the statistic originally (forgive me for not citing my sources), but i remember encountering the statistic that @ 95% of alcoholics are hypoglycemic, or have low blood sugar. Alcohol breaks down into sugar in the body, so yr body stops making as much insulin, if i’m remembering the science/biology correctly.

In fact, alcohol cravings are actually just powerful sugar cravings. There’s a reason they keep little dishes of M&Ms in halfway houses all over the world.

As alcoholics, we don’t always learn a lot of the basic living skills. Lord knows i knew jack shit about eating properly, staying hydrated, sleeping properly, or any other basic form of adulting. This leaves me with the tendency to get “hangry,” going too long without eating, until i become a slavering beast.

Let me tell you, my food-deprived self makes my drunk self look like a cheerful kindergartner. I can get vicious when hungry. Even worse, you can’t blame it on being shitfaced, either.

So, take it from me, and this goes for drunks and non-drunks alike. If you find yrself getting short and snippy with yr loved ones before dinner – just wait. Shelve any kind of serious topics until after you’ve digested. You’ll have a much more productive conversation. Your heart will sustain much less scars and wounds this way.

You Don’t Ever Have To Get Drunk Again

I’ve said this already but it deserves its own bullet point. I’ve gone through so so so much bullshit since i’ve quit drinking. I’ve legitimately been homeless. I’ve starved, eating only raw garlic and lemon grass for 2 days. I’ve been stranded on the side of the road in the middle of a prairie. I’ve lost friends, dear friends, best friends. I’ve seen people i love disintegrate into madness, cynicism, even death.

I’ve even both found, and then lost, the love of my life, my soulmate, my other half, whom i’ve spent much of my sober life with. If i were to be honest, i’m in more pain than i’ve been in a long, long time. It’s a struggle to get through the day, most days. I’m not eating, not sleeping.

Why am i mentioning this? Because, even now, i’m still not drinking.

There is no power on Earth powerful enough to make me get drunk. I’ve been called every name under the sun. I’ve failed, and fucked up, over and over again. And, still, i have not gotten drunk.

As i said previously, when yr not drunk, you have a chance to fix things, to turn things around. You can make something constructive out of even the darkest nights of the soul.

Dreams Do Come True

Let’s end this on a high note. I could go on and on forever, and you probably feel like i have been already, so i want to go out with an uplifting anecdote, like the speakers do at speaker meetings in packed AA clubhouses on Saturday Night. A manifestation of “the promises,” perhaps, or maybe just a bit of good old-fashioned hokiness.

But it’s true. I swear on my father’s grave, if you quit drinking and actually work the steps, preferably with a sponsor, your life will improve. Your dreams will start to come true – triply so if you apply consistent time, effort, and energy towards them.

For most of my drinking career, i was a failed and frustrated artist. I just could not produce the sounds that were reverberating inside my skull and it was ripping me apart. I started out on my monomaniacal musical mission when i was 18. I was a tattered and broken human being by the time i had quit drinking at 27 and still hadn’t written a fucking song.

12 years sober, and i currently am playing in a handful of amazing musical projects. I’m about to release my first full-length album with my best friend Maxwell Benedetti in our until-now top-secret band the Pirates of Lucifer. I’ve been working on a new project with a new dear friend, Jenny Jo of Empty Vessel Music, and i am awed by the sounds that are coming through. I’ve played hundreds of concerts, ranging from god awful to sublime and life-changing. I DJ regularly, and am looking to do more so.

On top of all of this, i’m also a writer for a living, which was my dream since i was a child. I’m also making a lot of artwork and learning graphic design. And that’s not even to mention my other never-ending to-do list, learning computer programming, reading many of the greatest books ever written, regularly watching amazing movies from all over the Earth with a handful of like-minded lunatics i’m lucky enough to call my friends and loved ones.

So if you are fearless and thorough from the very start, dedicating yrself to getting and staying sober, these things will start to happen for you, too. Yr relationships will begin to repair themselves. You’ll find love or heal the love you already have. You’ll go on adventures. You’ll watch sunrises, sunsets, shooting stars, the wind blowing over fields of wheat, waves undulating gently on the shore. And you’ll be alive to them, fully, not sheathed in a Carbonite coffin.

So, if you’ve quit drinking or drugging and yr struggling – keep going! It gets better! If yr hurting, its okay. This raw, tender, vulnerability means you’re really living. It also means yr healing. Someday, those scars will start to fade. Sometimes, you may even forget that you’re wounded.

I’m going to sign off here and go into my day, being of service to others, helping the world instead of being a blight on it. I plan on writing some follow-ups to this, about recovery, spirituality, mindfulness, sharing some of the lessons i’ve learned in my short, strange life.

Please let me know if there’s anything you’d like for me to talk about. Please also get in touch if you have any questions or just need someone to listen. I’m mostly a “pure” alcoholic but have plenty of experience with drug addiction and mental illness, due to the life i’ve led. I’ll happily offer any perspective i might have or, at the very least, offer a friendly and sympathetic ear.

And, until then, as we say in the rooms – keep coming back!

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