LOS ANGELES—With many trivial questions still unanswered about the separation of pop star Robin Thicke from actress Paula Patton, Access Hollywood correspondent Liz Hernandez vowed Wednesday to do whatever it takes to get to the very surface of the story. “I will not rest until I’ve uncovered every single superficial detail and interviewed every vapid source about this troubled celebrity couple’s split,” said Hernandez, pledging to vigilantly document all of the latest speculation regarding Thicke’s new potential love interests and investigate any and all possible inane connections between the separation and Patton’s post-breakup wardrobe selections. “Our viewers deserve a presumptuous, insubstantial take on what went wrong, and I will jump to any conclusions necessary to make sure they are informed.” At press time, the intrepid entertainment journalist had reportedly come upon several heretofore unseen insignificant paparazzi photos of Thicke and discovered that the scope of the story was far more unimportant than anyone could ever imagine.

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