If you were going to prison for multiple years after pleading guilty to a slew of crimes, including tax evasion and bank fraud, what would you do?

A) Go away quietly and hope everyone forgets, or B) appear in front of Congress on national television to confess all of the ugly details about your life?

Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former gofer, chose the latter.

Has he been put on suicide watch yet? I ask because his public appearance Wednesday in front of Congress sounded like a farewell note.

The apparent goal was to inflict maximum pain on Trump. But like everything Cohen does in public, it came off desperate and ultimately only embarrassed himself as he heads to the lockup. Cohen claimed he repeatedly aided Trump, whom he called a “racist,” a “conman,” and a “cheat.” He said that he was “ashamed of my own failings” and that he “accepted responsibility for them by pleading guilty in the Southern District of New York.”

This is the peak of Cohen’s self-debasement.

In December, after he was sentenced to prison, Cohen subjected himself to a nationally televised interview on ABC. Over and over again, Cohen repeated that he “took responsibility” for his crimes and that he was done lying, as if he had any other choice. He pleaded guilty to all charges and has been sentenced to three years in prison. This would be like blowing your savings on cocaine, snorting it all, and then triumphantly declaring, “I’m finally ready to quit!”

When you’ve admitted to years of lying, running a shady taxi medallion scheme, and other deceptions, you might think there’s not much left to do other than go far, far away and hope the public forgets. But Cohen had to go on TV, and then he needed to appear in front of Congress to say things the public already knew and accuse the president of things he can’t prove, all while making himself look even worse.

Cohen began his testimony stating, “Never in a million years did I imagine … that [Trump] would one day run for President, launch a campaign on a platform of hate and intolerance, and actually win.”

Never in a million years! But Trump had talked about possibly running for president since the 1980s. In fact, he ran for the Reform line in 2000.

Cohen also said that over the course of their 10-year relationship, he repeatedly heard Trump make racist remarks. If so, then how was it a shock to Cohen’s system that Trump would run for president and be a racist?

Maybe it’s the “win” part that really threw Cohen off. After all, had Trump not won, Cohen probably wouldn’t be spending the next three years behind bars. It’s comical that his newfound thoughtful reflection on his own life’s work coincides with his ticket to the penitentiary.

No self-respecting person would do what Cohen did Tuesday. I hope someone’s confiscated his belt and shoelaces.