Phase Two of OPERATION: TESTICULAR CONVALESCENCE was a go. Steve, world-renowned curler and the sole agent on this government-sanctioned mission, detached his shuttlecraft from the thrusters that successfully sent him out of Earth's atmosphere. The athlete, having played with the President of the United States in several curling matches, knew that acquiring the proper equipment for space travel would be an easy task; it would be much more difficult, however, to locate and reattach his testicles in the expansive vacuum of space. I don't care if I spend the next sixty years searching this solar system, thought Steve, I will find my scrotum-spheres, and then I'll be back to destroy Bonzi CRUDDY.

The professional curler looked around the control panel until he found the activation switch for the Testicular Scanner Pro-X9000 (by Hasbro). Upon flipping the switch, a small screen blinked to life and began the search for manhood. Knowing that the initial scan might take some time, Steve turned on the intergalactic radio. The only station available to his small craft, however, was Enterprise Radio, which eternally played "Faith of the Heart" by Russell Watson. Though excruciating to listen to, the curler endured, waiting for the report to come in. The tune, which initially made him wish to smash his face through the wall of his small craft, began to seem more appealing, to the point where Steve actively hummed along.

Being so mesmerized by the singing of Russell Watson, the agent did not notice the flashing warning node, indicating that the magnetic frequency configuration had been altered during the mission. As a result, the ship lost its capacity to maintain its search pattern, and a nearby phasic neutrino phenomenon began to drag the ship toward its deadly center. The sudden change in direction brought Steve out of his state of bliss, and he realized with horror that the ship was no longer operable. Without the ability to maneuver the pod, he would careen into the entity and dissipate in the phenomenon, foiling his plans of revenge against his friend-making foe.

Without overly thinking, Steve began preparing for evacuation. After getting into his 1960's A7L Spacesuit, the testicle-lacking man stripped the ship of several floor panels. On these he hoped to sustain himself for at least an additional week as he continued the search for his twin bouncy balls. He also grabbed an oxygen tank, which he subsequently emptied of all contents. Into this empty container he placed his prized Lego collection, where they would be safe from any external forces. Finally, Steve grabbed a rather lavishly framed photo of Bonzi Buddy, which he had decided to keep in his presence at all times as a reminder of the curler's ultimate goal.

The ice-based shuffleboard player proceeded to cartwheel into the door of the pod, knocking it open and releasing the oxygen in the shuttlecraft. Steve, free of the doomed ship, watched with awe as it drifted into the phenomenon. Upon reaching the edge of the cloud, the ship collapsed into itself, forming an intensely strong temporal singularity. Steve, being in relative proximity to the occurrence, was sucked into the rift, sending him through space and time to a distant land in the far future.

Steve emerged from the rift feeling rather dazed and confused, but he realized upon collecting his senses that he was falling towards the surface of a planet. Having studied several years of mechanical physics, Steve knew that entry into the planet's atmosphere would mean certain death. In order to avoid such an event, the curler would have to act at just the right moment. Gripping his Lego-filled oxygen canister with all his might, Steve bided his time until the heat of his descent began to wear away at his suit. Issuing forth a loud grunt, Steve curled the container with all of his might, throwing his prized Lego collection down towards the surface of the planet at an incredible speed.

So great was the upward reaction from his heroic curl that his descent slowed to a peaceful crawl. Steve felt as though he were a dainty leaf during his gradual fall to the surface. He could now see the environment below, a swampy region full of vegetation and wildlife. As he approached the surface, Steve found that strange creatures lurked below; several gigantic salamanders were gathered in a circle around his landing spot. Oh bugger, thought Steve, Even with my amazing curler's talent, there's no way I could possibly stand against so many foes. The salamander creatures eyed the man as he reached the end of his fall, hitting the ground with a sound similar to that of an inflated balloon striking a small child.

Before any of the creatures could react, the spry human positioned himself in the curler's official combat pose, a symbol of death to any who dare challenge it. The giant amphibians did not initiate mortal combat, but instead continued to stare at this new presence. Steve, confused but ever ready for a surprise, did not let his guard down. In an act that surprised the curler, the salamanders bowed their heads, a very difficult action considering the proximity of their heads to the ground.

"We wish you greetings, Holy One," one of the salamanders proclaimed. "We wish you welcome to Salamanland."

Steve was shocked to hear the voice of these creatures. How can they speak English? Why do they refer to me as a 'Holy One'? Though their initial words seemed friendly, Steve had enough experience in the subterfuge of curling to know that looks could be deceiving. "Who are you, and why can you speak?"

The lead salamander, who wore a crown atop his flat head, spoke up in response. "We are Salamans, a peaceful race of people with a deep reverence for what you might call 'human life.' Some time ago, our ancestors were born of an ill-fated love; the two Creators, Kathryn Janeway and Tom Paris, descended to this world after detaching from the God of the Eternal Blue Sky, Tengri, in the form you currently hold. They, however, saw this dark, flawed world and knew their perfection was not meant to grace its surface. Taking the form of large salamander-like creatures, the two began a peaceful existence on the planet.

"The two Creators ruled over the land for some time, guiding the local life on its gradual search for complexity. It wasn't long before the two supernatural beings fell madly in love, however, and they consummated their love in the spot on which you are currently standing, Holy One. Shortly after the birth of our forefathers, the Creators were called back to the Land Above by other eternal beings. Their time here was brief, but their impact on the development of this world was significant. The Creators also left behind a small device with records of their language, knowledge, and adventures, from which we prospered. The children they left behind developed over time, resulting in the race you see before you."

Steve had not expected such a response. His species was evidently held as some kind of deity, something which he could use to his advantage. "Where are you from, O Lord?" the leader asked when Steve did not respond to their story.

"Well," started the curler, rather confused on where to go from here, "I come from a land called Earth, the homeworld of the Creators. I was actually out in space looking for my lost testicles whe-"

The mutant amphibians released a unanimous gasp, cutting off the near-flawless athlete. "You are the one the prophecy foretold would arrive one day," said the elder. "The ancients who read from the sacred device told of a Creator who would arrive one day seeking the Testicles of Power. The Testicles, as we believe, drifted through space for many years before being received by the Borg, a powerful faction seeking the creation of a perfect man-machine hybrid. Their spacecraft originally consisted exclusively of cubes, but after the Testicles of Power were assimilated into their collective, they developed spherical ships, which posed a much greater threat to nearby peoples.

"A small Salaman task force was sent in to take the Holy Testicles from the Borg, as we had received intelligence claiming that they were sacred relics belonging to a Creator. Several of our greatest soldiers were slaughtered in the fight for the orbs, but the team ultimately escaped from the automatons with the sacred relics. They have been held here, on this planet, for many a year, serving as both a religious symbol and a symbol of hope, for one day we knew that a Creator would detach from the God of the Eternal Blue Sky and descend to our people so that the spheres may be recollected. Follow me, and you shall receive your masculinity."

The religious salamander-human hybrids formed a single-file line and began to slither off down a dirt path. Wanting to fit in with the amphibian crowd, Steven got on his belly and crawled forward using only the tips of his toes and the palms of his hands. Though uncomfortable, the curler gained a new insight on life as perceived by these zealot salamanders. Being in such a close proximity to the creatures, Steve noticed that on the left tuckus of each salamander in the line was tattooed with an image of two salamanders engaged in beautiful and passionate intercourse.

The two lovers each bore a halo above their flat heads, indicating that they were holy persons, perhaps even Janeway and Paris. Above the two flew an image of the eternal white goose that is Tengri. In the image, the Sky-Father watched over the love-lizards, ensuring that their procreation bear the fruit of children. In doing so, Tengri ushered in the Age of the Salaman, bringing into power a species far more advanced than mere humans. These people view me as a part of Tengri's religious entity, thought Steve. I can probably use this to my advantage; they will likely follow me in any quest, and they have the technology to get me into space. If I can just travel back in time with them, they can assist me in destroying Bonzi MUDDY.

The convoy of salamanders eventually reached a clearing, in which a small structure stood. Steve rose from his crawling position to investigate the premises. Ancient stone blocks served as the building material for the site, and a strong roof of Mighty Putty hung over the interior. Etched onto the wooden entrance was a glorious white goose representing the Sky-Father Tengri's divine protection of the premises. The mere sight of such a holy place nearly drove Steve to his knees, but he was able to resist the feeling of weakness through the sheer strength of his curler's legs. His amphibious companions uttered a short prayer in His name and opened the door.

The interior of the religious structure was occupied only by a golden pedestal, upon which two glorious orbs stood. Steve strolled through the door, picked up the objects, and placed them within his tighty-whiteys. The testicles automatically, attracted to the effective nuclear charge of his crotch, fused themselves directly beneath the phallus, making the curling prodigy a complete man once more. With the added power of my bollocks, I might just be able to defeat that Bonzi CRUDDY.

Turning to his Salamander-like companions, he bellowed a battle cry. "Will you provide assistance in to quest to destroy those who stand against me?" he asked the quadrupedal leader, hoping for a chance to defeat the illustrious Bonzi.

"We will provide whatever assistance you wish, O Holy One," the amphibian replied. "We possess technology far beyond what you may be used to. In fact, our vessels have developed the ability to time travel, so we can take you back in time and provide assistance in your conquest."

"Excellent."