NEW YORK—In response to numerous complaints regarding recent delays and route changes to the city’s public transportation system, Metropolitan Transportation Authority officials at a press conference Monday reminded residents that they can fucking walk. “While we always do our best to avoid inconveniencing our customers, city residents should be aware that at any time, they are more than welcome to get off their asses and use their two fucking feet to reach destinations,” said MTA spokesperson Reggie Dawes, adding that the city’s comprehensive street grid system is easily accessible on foot “for any lazy bastard” and should be used as an alternative method of transportation if customers are unable to wait “10 extra goddamn minutes” for their train or bus. “We apologize to anyone frustrated by interruptions in service of our incredibly intricate 24-hour transportation system that provides fast commutes in relative ease and comfort, but remember, you can always just shut the hell up and take a fucking hike. You know what else connects to major locations all over the city? The sidewalk, you ungrateful pieces of shit.” At press time, the MTA announced that multiple train and bus lines were running behind schedule and stressed that if commuters didn’t leave early enough or plan accordingly, it was not their fucking problem.

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