1. Taylor Alison Swift was born to finance banker parents in suburban Pennsylvania (the girl literally grew up on a Christmas tree farm, which should come as a surprise to no one, I feel) on December 13th 1989. This makes her twenty-three today, and two years and a couple weeks change older than I am. Taylor was only sixteen when her eponymous debut album was released in 2006. I was a sophomore in high school. I was a very weird and serious fourteen year old who liked The Smiths almost as much as your worst boyfriend, although my real favorite album that year was Kanye West’s Late Registration (yes, I will grudgingly get to that whole thing later.) All of which is to say that Taylor Swift has been writing and singing about Being A Girl for as long as I’ve really been one, and, unsurprisingly[?], I spent the majority of that time really hating Taylor Swift.

2. On the night before I left for college, I went to a Taylor Swift concert at a casino in Connecticut with my little sister for free. (A high-rolling, possibly criminal friend of my father’s gave us his comped tickets as a graduation present to me. you know, the usual.) I practiced a very loud style of indifference for the preceding weeks and, with great effort, did not let the overjoyed little girls in cowboy boots jumping up and down with homemade posters in their hands all around me alter this position. Partway through the show, Taylor came out onto a small stage twenty feet from us and sang “Fifteen,” playing an acoustic guitar and wearing a blue dress. It was perfect, I cried, I loved Taylor Swift.

3. The most played Taylor Swift song in my iTunes is “Mean.” Read into this fact whatever you feel is appropriate, but don’t try to tell me that, “but all you are is mean, all you are is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life, and MEAN” isn’t an unusually direct expression of disgust, sort of thrillingly petulant, like a giddy temper tantrum, and, ultimately kinda anthemic. Tell me you don’t love how it feels to try those words on for a moment, but I won’t believe you.

4. Taylor Swift has a cat named Meredith, whom she tweets about a lot. She also tweets about cake, face painting, and television pretty frequently. I remember once, back when MySpace videos were a thing, a friend showed me an extremely effusive one Taylor had posted about how freakedoutexcitedomg she was to have her song on Grey’s Anatomy (in text added over the footage she calls it one of the best moments of her life) and I assume I rolled my eyes, because I was a total dick, but really I thought this was very endearing and I still do.

5. Taylor Swift is kind of a weirdo. Dealing with Taylor Swift is dealing with some serious Old Money shit, guys. Taylor Swift loves the Kennedys so much that she wrote horrible fanfiction about young Bobby and Ethel on a date (“Oooh, oooh, we should get married, have ten kids and teach them how to dreeeaaaam”) and chose to release it as part of her smash hit fourth record. While dating their grandson. Taylor Swift bought a house in Watch Hill Rhode Island and has since been spotted a number of times, including once by a friend of my mother’s, eating ice cream around town in the loose button down dress of a kindergarten teacher or paddleboarding in a retro style bikini. All the most embarrassing things about Taylor Swift are the best things about Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift quoted Katie Couric quoting Madeleine Albright to complain about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making pretty benign jokes about her at the Golden Globes and she was so serious about it that I found myself on her side. She got floppy teen idol Harry Styles to do the Dirty Dancing lift with her once. All the most embarrassing things about Taylor Swift are the best things, anyway. She loves “baking and things that smell like Christmas,” she still gets emotional over winning awards, she is a lanky goof in high waisted shorts who wears red lipstick all the time, even with outfits that, like, really, really call for a coral, and recently left a server a 500 dollar tip. Taylor Swift Is Living Her Best Life, unabashedly, and if you hate her it’s probably because that kind of self-assuredness makes you nervous.

6. Taylor Swift will make you cry in bathrooms and parks and your mom’s Hyundai. I made a list of the Taylor Swift lines that have made me cry the most, because, obviously I did that, but you have to wait until Thursday when we tackle her Shit Just Got Really Really Fucking Real And I Liked It tracks (as I’ve so eloquently dubbed them) for that gem of artistry and introspection to be revealed.

7. Taylor Swift writes her music, and she’s good at it. Rolling Stone, in a review of her first album, which she wrote as a high schooler, applauded the, “insanely hooky sing-song melody that’s as Britney as it is Patsy,” of “Our Song,” and in doing so was probably as on point as Rolling Stone’s been in years.And while it should go without saying that people who think a pop star is lesser if they don’t write their own songs are pretty much across the board boring, self-important, and really awful to talk to at parties, when we’re talking about Taylor, for reasons we’ll be getting into (and getting into and getting into and never getting over) it does matter.

8. Taylor Swift is a far better songwriter than singer. That’s okay; have you seen how shiny her hair is? I kid, I kid (I mean, her hair really is Barbie-level glossy but) it’s okay because Taylor is a fun, interesting, expressive vocalist who knows how to work her way around a syllable for maximum inflection potential and for both ultimate emotional impact and the most mimicking fun when singing along.

9. Taylor Swift makes really great, really silly, really magical music videos, often ones that offer such completely literal interpretations of her lyrics that it is a shock, almost, to discover that at no point in the video for “White Horse” does an actual snow-colored stallion make an appearance. (But, she does have Stephen from Laguna Beach in that one, so, hilarity tossup?) Anyway, like, obviously what I am getting at is obviously Kanye was right. There will be absolutely no denying it here or in any other place where anybody has a clue. It’s just, I mean, who cares either way? It was the VMAs for christ’s sake. Just think of how much your kids will enjoy that clip twenty years from now when it’s aired as part of some I Love The Aughties special. I mean, and then probably light yourself on fire to escape the crippling sadness of this cyclical human existence, but, hey.

10. Taylor Swift is very self-aware, so much so that, more than anything, I’m pretty sad about the reading comprehension level of anyone who could look at her career choices and hear her lyrics, particularly on the two most recent albums, and think otherwise. like, did they even hear “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together?” I guess it’s cool if not, because that’s the track we’re gonna talk about first.

11. Taylor Swift is vehemently hated by a lot of people, by older brothers of twelve year old girls and too cool high school angels in heavy eyeliner, sure, but also by certain Writers On The Internet Who Will Remain Nameless, certain Contingents Of Writers And Readers And Like-Minded Types, actually. These people really hate Taylor Swift in the name of some weird concept of what feminism is and can’t stop talking about how much they really hate Taylor Swift in the name of some weird concept of what feminism is, and that’s their prerogative, I guess, it’s okay, but I will not be addressing any of these pieces directly in my coverage this week because I think that hate tends to veer from, I mean, pretty wrong-headed, to like totally balls out crazy and nonsensically angry, and I don’t wanna engage that. Anyway, there’s millions of beautiful little girls who would disagree with these adult writers wildly if they were to stumble upon it, would disagree, probably, in tweets to Taylor and earnestly sad blog posts, singing “don’t you worry your pretty little mind / people throw rocks at things that shine / but they can’t take what’s ours,” under their breath through bubblegum lip-balm lips, and they are what matters to me.

12. Taylor Swift has somehow released four hugely successful albums in seven years, during which time I, like, tried to get a hang on driving on the highway without crying. There are four albums and there are a lot of great songs but after much painful deliberation I made you a playlist of thirteen Taylor Swift songs to sorta get us going. The list was chosen through the totally objective and scientific method of, “OOOOH THIS ONE THIS ONE!!! THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!” and I expect you to love it.



13. so, okay, I don’t actually have a thirteenth thing to say; I just wanted to start things off in an appropriately Swiftian manner.