A large majority of humans on planet Earth say they have every intention of surviving the coronavirus to ensure that they get front row seats to the end of the world; which will be brought on by climate change sometime around 2035. What do you think?

(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. “We’ve got the living room where we can all gather to play board games,” Stephenson stated. “Then, just 100 feet down the hall, there’s the master bedroom where mommy and daddy will spend 12 loud minutes rekindling their love life. There’s really something for everyone.” As of press time, the recently unemployed Stephenson was visiting his back porch, on his 7th beer, and wondering if he’ll ever be able to afford to take his family on a real vacation.