Go do this right now. It’ll take 30 minutes:

1. Open your profile. Get your photos in order. Put your 3 hottest pics from facebook on top.

2. In “details,” add 2 inches to your height and give yourself a $20,000 raise. Like every other dude.

3. Cut and paste the below essays. Do not edit. In “About Me,” add the name of your town. If you’re a girl, change “cock” to “pussy,” but– you’re not a girl. Get rid of “I’m Really Good At” & “I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About” if you already have them:

My Self-Summary I was whelped by a slave woman, the legends say. On a mountain crag by night; cries of the snow leopards echoing below. Left to die in the savage snows. A bitch wolf found me and gave suck. I was with the pack ten years before men came. They took me for a curiosity. I was hauled to their cities in chains, a thing to leer at. One night I bit out my jailer’s throat and ran free under the moon. By then I knew speech. I made my way to the New World on a steamship. By the time hair sprouted on my cock I’d tamed lands, beasts, and women. Dark eyed servant girls laughed and filled my cup with wine; my cellars were stacked high with gold. Still. I was troubled by dreams. Talons of snow in the dark. The shrieking wind. Now I live in (NAME OF YOUR TOWN/ NEIGHBORHOOD).

What I’m Doing with My Life Gold. Jewels. Horses. Yachts. Actually I call them “boats” now. It’s gauche to call a yacht a “yacht.” They teach you that in schools for extraordinary people. Oh, you haven’t been? Hang gliding. Paragliding. Flying private planes drunk like JFK junior. Chess. Jaguar wrangling. The finest Colombian cocaine. Skeet shooting, both the shooting clay shit with a goose gun kind and the porno kind. I also teach adult literacy classes at the library. Seriously: I have a job, I do OK. It’s not my life. I do it so I can get a check that lets me make art, hear music and travel. I want a soul mate but before that I want whatever you call the drunken boning version of a soul mate. Let’s get sauced some night and talk shit and see if we like each other.

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music and Food Cat’s Cradle, The Last Temptation of Christ, The Holy Mountain, AC/DC before Bon Scott bit it, Curtis “Pussycrusher” Mayfield, Dolly “Cock Destroyer” Parton, NWA, early Bukowski, Nabokov but not to where I’m gonna want to talk about the footnotes to Pale Fire with you, Dale Carnegie’s How to Not Get a Boner on the Bus and Weird Everyone the Fuck Out, The Bible, The Qu’ran spelled with a Q and prominently displayed so you know how multicultural I am, Solaris (the real one), Rumi, Leonard “The Superpimp” Cohen, The Big Bang Theory if every episode were just 22 minutes of the cast being slowly skinned alive, ASOIAF which I don’t need to spell out for you cuz you’re a dork, Claude “Ass Shredder” Debussy, Johann Sebastian “Thunderscrote” Bach, Spongebob if baked.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without Wine. Tits. Five tits so the math works.

On a Typical Friday Night I Am Fully nude, evading police. Helping underprivileged kids. The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit You already know my PIN is 6969.

You Should Message Me If Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

4. Go to Quickmatch. Rate people until you’ve built up 50 5-stars.

5. In Quickmatch, go to “Who You Like.” Go down the list, open profiles in new tabs. Copy paste this message. Leave punctuation and line break intact:

I want to go out with you. How about it.

6. When you get a response, say this:

(SHORT SENTENCE OF BANTER IF NEEDED). How about (YOUR NEAREST BAR) at 9.

7. Exchange #’s, go on date.

8. Report results in comments.