President Donald Trump shows off his signature on an executive order about the Dakota Access pipeline on Tuesday. Oh dear, our apologies, our mistake! This was when he came down from Mount Sinai with the tablets! Credit:AP "Thanks for being here, Pope," Donald Trump told him. "Are you kidding? You're my best friend," the Pope said. "I wouldn't miss your big day for anything!" He gave Donald Trump a big high-five. Everyone in the world had come there at great expense. They sold all their possessions - their homes, their Hamilton tickets, which were worthless to them - to raise money to come and see this great sight. They could not believe that a perfect being such as Donald Trump even existed. They thought that he was a myth or a legend or a decades-long series of fabrications.

Crowds fill the National Mall in Washington, DC, ahead of the inauguration of Barack Obama - sorry, we mean Donald Trump! - as the 44th President of the United States of America - oops, we mean the 45th President!. Why can't we get the facts right? Credit:Alex Wong/Getty Images But then they saw him, and their doubts fell away. The media were there, too, and they were very sorry. Pope Francis gives Donald Trump a big high-five. "Donald," the newscasters said, "we were mean to you. We used to laugh and call you names. We were no better than all of the other reindeer. How can you ever forgive us?"

"Forgive you?" Donald Trump asked. "I've already forgotten." US President Donald Trump shows off his magnificently large hands as he signs one of five executive orders related to the oil pipeline industry in the Oval Office of the White House in Washington, DC. Credit:Bloomberg He smiled a big, beautiful smile. That was just who Donald Trump was: forgiving, like Jesus, but blond. It was a wonderful start to the day. Bruce Springsteen performs during a concert in Rome in July 2016 - oops, we mean at Donald Trump's inauguration! Credit:AP

Everyone liked Donald Trump's speech and the words that he used. They liked even more the part where he rolled up his sleeve and showed off his bicep. It was a great bicep. It made the Rock so upset to see it that he threw something down on the ground and said "darn". Donald Trump pulled out a violin and played a solo, and then he pulled out a guitar and played an even sicker solo. The whole ground was soon covered with women's undergarments. (Millions of women were there to support Donald Trump, and they were all at least sevens.) Also, every woman whom Donald Trump had ever dated was there, and they were not upset with him, just ashamed that they had not lived up to his required standard. Bono can't hide his despair at not being allowed to sing for Donald Trump. Credit:Getty Images "Trump! Trump! Trump!" the crowd cheered. Donald Trump touched many people in the crowd in a way that they all thought was welcome and appropriate, and he cured their ailments, from cancer to autism.

"If only we could bottle your touch," someone said, "children could stop getting vaccinated altogether." Donald Trump winked. "Don't worry!" he said. "I'm on it!" Then Donald Trump served loaves and fishes to everyone there. There were enough loaves and fishes for everyone, and they all were Made in America and said "TRUMP" on them. It was like the Oscars, but also like Woodstock, but also like the Super Bowl, but also like the Sermon on the Mount. If you were not there, you should just go home and die, because nothing in your life will have purpose or meaning by comparison, not even holding your newborn child in your arms or having health insurance. This is what FOMO was talking about for all these years. Bono, and Bruce Springsteen, and Elton John, and the Rolling Stones, and Beyonce, and all the top artists were there. They fought hard over who would be allowed to sing. Finally Springsteen won. Bono cried and cried, and the other artists had to console him. When Springsteen had finished singing, he walked over to Donald Trump, extended his hand, and said, "You are the only real hero left in the world."

The people were so excited that they built a very special stone pyramid just for Donald Trump so that he would not have to wait until he died to see what his monument would look like. But they were silly to be concerned. Donald Trump will never die! A little child was in the audience, and he started to cry because the emperor was wearing so many clothes. Also, he could tell that he was not and never had been racist. Donald Trump's beautiful big family was there. His favourite childhood dog was there, too, back from the farm where he still lives to this day. Donald Trump can talk to the animals, and his eyes are lasers. When the floor is lava, Donald Trump can walk on it, but only Donald Trump. When Donald Trump points his finger at you, you have to lie down. But when other people point their fingers at Donald Trump, he does not have to. Donald Trump's block tower is the biggest. He does not need a nap or a snack. He has the longest, biggest attention span. Everyone loves Donald Trump, and what he has to say interests them. Donald Trump is the star. People love him.

Loading He won the popular vote, too. The Washington Post