Salt Lake News -- published December 18, 2014

SALT LAKE CITY -- In a bold and historic move yesterday, LDS leaders announced they will be normalizing relations with their long estranged neighbor, Park City, Utah."The Brethren decided the citizens of Park City should benefit from exposure to a culture that is superior to their own," LDS spokesperson, G. Marilyn String, told the News.In brokering the agreement, the LDS Church agreed to release alleged Park City spy, George Fielding. Apprehended last September in a men's room at the Joseph Smith Building, Fielding spent 92 days in solitary confinement on Temple Square.Insisting the charges against him are false, Mr. Fielding told the News, "I swear to God, I'm innocent. I got bored duringso I went to the can to splash some water on my face. Then these thugs in cheap suits jumped me and hauled me off to the clink.""They put me on a restricted diet of Jell-O, Tater-tot casserole, and fry sauce--and then made me watch an endless loop of 'And I'm a Mormon' commercials," Fielding added, his voice thick with emotion. "Thank heaven they let me go. I'm so happy to be back in Park City."In exchange for the release of Mr. Fielding, LDS leaders are now requesting the return of 37 of their own whom they had deployed behind enemy lines. However, with a hat tip to the quality of the LDS Church surveillance team, Park City officials confess they were completely unaware of any espionage in their community."We knew these folks had moved into town, but saw no evidence of any clandestine activities," Park City spokesperson, Homer T. Larsen explained. "They seemed to be just enjoying themselves like the rest of us.""We have not arrested anyone for espionage," Larsen insisted. "The so-called Mormon spies are free to come and go as they please."The 37 individuals in question have refused to comment on their current status. At press time, none had made arrangements to return to Church.