By Zach Amenidour

I turned 29 four months ago. There was no celebration. There has never been a celebration really. Birthdays have never made sense to me. Where I come from, your birth date was treated like a significant piece of information. It was spoken of only when there were forms to be filled. That is how it was in my village. Plus, we are 12 siblings (from two mothers) – that’s like a birthday celebration every month. You see how impractical that looks?

My girlfriend came to my office that afternoon. A gift box in hand. In it, a jogger and a hoodie. She stayed in my office for a while before we left for coffee at Gibson’s coffee house along Banda Street right next to Mojo’s club. That was it.

A lot has been written about being young, and being in your twenties, and being a man in your twenties; the angst, the recklessness, the chaos, the rebellion, the mistakes and the quarter-life crisis (sociologists need to do better). So I will not go there. But, I do want to tell you about turning 29, mostly because it surprised me. This is the only age-so far- that I could feel myself changing as it came. As I turned my back on 27 and 28 and headed towards 30, lightly and invisibly, the weight of growing up perched on my shoulders and unconsciously, certain actions and thoughts and circumstances became acceptable while others became completely intolerable. It is also here that facts of life have been stripped bare for what they are; a mix of pleasant and unpleasant truths.

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way

Take the family for instance. Lucky for you, if you are in a sane one. Most of us are part of insane families. There is nothing you can do about that. There is nothing you can do about sons who don’t see eye to eye with their fathers, the ones who have not spoken for 3 years. There is nothing you can do about the sister who makes one mistake after the other-absconding collage, falling pregnant, dating a married man, doing drugs and all. There is nothing you can do about sad parents- the mother who stays because of the children or the father who seeks comfort in affairs brewed in three week conferences in Ghana. There is nothing you can do about the hopeless uncle whose only luck seems to be bad luck- sickness, poor harvest, joblessness, dying cows, road accidents, getting conned, everything bad is always happening to him. There is nothing you can do about your man-child cousin- the one who comes to stay at your place then a month later, he invites a friend of his or his younger brother to stay-at your place- without discussing the matter with you. So live your life and accommodate family as much as you can. Be there and do your part. Accept your family as it is, work with it as it-happy or sad, sane or insane.

One last thing about filial love: trust and love your family members, but know that your priorities are not their priorities. That means that what may be crucial to you and your survival, could mean very little to your brother or aunt or cousin. So in case you are in a situation where you need their help, be open to the fact that some of them will not help, either by choice or otherwise. Do not hold it against them, it is just a question of priorities.

Money solves crude problems

Having worked and lived in Nairobi for the past 4 years after university, I feel that I can say a thing about money. There is a cheap saying that goes ‘money is not everything’. Whoever believes this saying has not seen everything. We live in a world where existing with little money or no money is to live a life of the damned. To live the life of the wretched of the earth. You do not need this. Strive, as a man, to make enough money so you and your people can afford a reasonable life. It is that simple. If you can make more, go a head-make more. Your child will fall ill- she will need good medical care, your son will pass his exams- take him to the best school, your wife should dress well, your mother should never lack, you should drive the car after your own heart and by all means have a good time. Money will do all that and much more.

Money solves little problems that would otherwise just slow you down and waste your time. As Obama said it in Dreams from My Father, money solves crude problems. Leaving you with time to focus on the main thing, whatever your main thing in life is. If you don’t believe me, try being a broke man and watch every right and freedom that you have go or otherwise shrink if you are lucky. Just look at the queues in government health centers.

Standing up for yourself

The concept of fighting became clear to me as I neared and turned 29. When you are young and brilliant, you will have many ideas- be they business ideas or just ideas for the office. These ideas are yours to voice and to reap from, but corporate jungles rarely reward young men. Investors will size you, your boss at the office will weigh you, your supervisor will test you; and when they find you wanting or weak or a pushover, they will grab your idea or your project and run with it to the bank leaving you to read about it in the newspapers. The streets of Nairobi, Johannesburg, Kigali, Kampala, Accra and Tripoli are littered with the broken spirits of young men whose ideas are lining of the pockets of corporate jungle kings while the young men are back to chewing pen caps in search of fresh inspiration.

Fight for what is yours. Fight for it in the boardroom and fight for it on the streets. Standing up for yourself can take many forms; be smart, cover yourself in paper, stick to your guns, be clear to those who should know, that you are not a push over. If that does not work, break someone’s leg. Point is, no one will hand you anything out here, in fact, they will take whatever you have from you.

Friendships

I never had many friends. About seven to be specific, the rest were acquaintances. Now I have even fewer friends. Right from 27, friends started to drop off. World views changed and with it interests and commonalities. So we drifted off. Some got married and sort of became scarce, I respected that. Others showed characters that I hadn’t recognized before. And on and on the list goes. I have lost friendships that I thought were dear and those that weren’t well defined. As all this happened, I learnt that friendships come and go. Never work to keep friends around, those who are there to stay will stay, and those who are passing though like whispers of wind will be on their way, you can’t keep them around, it is human nature.

I did drop some off too. Like this guy who while his father was lying in the hospital bed-sick, he was organizing his wedding and inviting people for the ceremony. The old man was in some second rate provincial hospital and I couldn’t help but wonder if the wedding couldn’t wait and the cash be used to take the old man to a better hospital. The old man died before the wedding. His death took all the respect I had for the son.

Believe in a higher power

My grandfather- Zach- was not a religious man. But he was a good man. I bet he believed in himself. My old man is not a religious man either. I am still working out whether he is a good man or not. He does believe in a higher power though. And I, my friends, I believe in a higher power too although I am not a bible carrying Catholic. And I try to be a good man, even though I know I am failing at it. Believing in a power greater than yourself offers comfort from the mysteries of the world. Believe in something.

I turned 29 four months ago, I feel the presence of age in my life. I feel the spurts of agile blood in my veins. I want to change my name. My birth name seems to have used up all its luck and charm. It is damp and half-cold. I feel that I should kill it before it kills me. I wonder if this is a good thing. I want to be a good man. I want to be a man. I want to be a great man. Call me Zach Amenidour and I will call you whatever you want.