ATLANTA—In an unprecedented warning to the U.S. populace, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that scientists had discovered the first known case of an individual contracting the Zika virus directly from a news article on the infectious disease. “Until now, we had believed Zika was only spread through mosquito bites and sexual contact, but we have determined that the infection can also be transmitted via exposure to media coverage of the epidemic,” said CDC spokesman Jason Crank, referring to a woman in Waverly, NE who reportedly tested positive for the virus after following an internet link to a news story on the latest Zika outbreak in the continental United States. “To prevent further spread of the disease, we recommend individuals avoid reading any part of any article on the subject, as the CDC believes Zika can be transmitted by a single paragraph, or, in some cases, just a headline. In addition, we advise anyone exposed to a full two-minute broadcast news segment on the virus to immediately turn off their television and quarantine themselves until further notice.” At press time, sources confirmed that you were beginning to experience a high fever.

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