The Steps Needed to Cast Bill Murray In Your Film

Bill Murray does not have an agent or a manager. In order for filmmakers to cast him in his or her film, they must follow the steps below.

Call Bill Murray’s 1-800 Number: The call will go straight to voicemail. You have two minutes to describe your idea and Bill’s role in the project. Certain words or phrases will immediately end your chances of Bill’s participation: “Summer blockbuster,” “M. Night,” and “Another Garfield.”

Send the Script: If Bill likes your message, he’ll give you the address of a P.O. Box where you can send your script. The script must be be between 90 and 91 pages long. Bill’s lines must be highlighted with a color Bill has never seen before. There must be a scene where Bill plays golf, regardless if the movie takes place before golf existed, or after it has stopped existing, or in a universe where it never existed.

Guest Bartend With Bill: If your script passes Bill’s test, he’ll talk to you in person while engaging in his one true passion, guest bartending at random bars he finds himself in. You’ll be Bill’s bar-back, helping to stock the bar with liquor, fixing any keg issues, and keeping the bar’s staff from wrestling control of their establishment away from Bill. Your project will not be discussed and Bill does not split his tips.

Negotiate Payment: If you made sure Bill never ran out of lemon wedges and clean pint glasses, he will meet you for dinner to discuss payment. The dinner will be at an Old Navy outlet store. It will take place at 9:30 AM. Bill is already quite wealthy, so he isn’t interested in money. Offering him a unique experience is your best bet. Rumor has it that Bill appeared in The Life Aquatic in return for getting to spend an entire week in an actual submarine. Same thing with Zombieland. So, rule of thumb is, offer him a submarine for a week.

Wait: Bill will often disappear for months on end. If this happens, all you can do is wait and maybe take a few bar-back shifts to bide the time.

Find and Bring Bill the Amulet of Khonsu: If Bill appears in a dream of yours, that means he’s willing to proceed. To prove your worth and utmost desire to make your film, Bill will ask you to retrieve the Amulet of Khonsu, the Egyptian God of the Moon. The amulet is said to only exist during a full moon and can only be handled by a direct descendant of Osiris. It is either in Egypt or a place other than Egypt. If you think this is impossible, realize Wes Anderson has done this several times.

Have Bill Sign the Contract: If the amulet of Khonsu is verified by both Bill and the Moon, Bill will finally agree to sign a contract to do your project. The amulet will turn to sand and be carried off by the wind. It will re-solidify in one year, or instantly if a Groundhog Day sequel is ever green-lit. After handing him the contract, Bill will look it over, make sure the phrase “submarine for a week” is present, and then sign with whatever name that comes to his mind. Bill will ask what day you start shooting and immediately leave before you can tell him.

Hope He Shows Up: If he doesn’t, you can always fall back on your promising bar-back career.