What happened Los Angeles? You used to be sexy. I mean really sexy. Like the hot girl who sat at the popular kids table and ignored me throughout high school kinda sexy. I mean you had it all: the best basketball player in the world, the Zen Master at the helm, and the king of courtside celebrities mean mugging opposing coaches through his classic shades.

Even Spike Lee made a movie called Kobe Doin’ Work

You also had a Kardashian, but nobody’s perfect. Now though, Jesus, what happened? The 2010-2011 season wasn’t that bad. Sure, you got swept by the Mavericks, but finishing 57-25 record, and adding another Pacific Division title is only an off year by extreme standards. I mean it’s insanely difficult to three-peat in any sport and Dirk Nowitzki definitely sacrificed a first born or two to the basketball gods for that Championship title over the Heat. My only problem with the 2010-11 season is the lasting image of that Lakers team.

FALCON PUNCH!!!

Looking back, as Andrew Bynum left that court, shirtless with rage, I can’t help but think that’s where it all started to go downhill. Within months, the NBA was locked out, Phil Jackson left for Montana to scheme world domination or whatever the hell you do in Montana, and the Lakers hired Mike Brown to become the next head coach of the Purple & Gold. At the time I had no problem with the Mike Brown hire. He only got run out of town to please Lebron James, he’s a defensive minded coach and his players always seemed to love him. The real excitement in Lakerland, though, was over an another import. This guy.

Chris Paul is, and was then, the best Point Guard in the NBA. A trade for Paul not only ensured the Lakers another title run, but set up the Lakers for a future without number 24. The three team trade would have sent Paul Gasol to Houston, Lamar Odom to the Hornets, CP3 to LA and moved around several other assorted pieces. Sadly my hopes and dreams were struck down by the Angel of Stern and Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. True, one of the major issues of the NBA lockout was the dominance of major market teams who controlled the NBA with money and the ability to make super teams. The assembling of big 3’s, like Boston and Miami, basically made it impossible for small market teams to keep their superstars. So a trade like this, immediately after the small markets fought for the new CBA, it would basically be a giant middle finger to their face. Essentially, jimmies were rustled. As it happened, the dust settled, the small market teams got their way, and Paul was traded to the small market city known as Los Angeles.

At least we had World Peace

Most teams would crumble if the league went out if its way to keep a top 3 player off their roster, but this is the Lakers! Right? Just mend a few fences, trade that damn Kardashian, and change the name of the league’s most violent player to something more family friendly. The 2011-2012 Lakers were actually a good team (41-25). They won the Pacific Division again, and, as a three seed, were among the favorites to win the West. They were tested in round one when a surprising Denver team pushed them to seven games, but it was the second round run in with the dynasty-in-the-making, Oklahoma City Thunder, that was their undoing. Lead by the three headed monster that was Durant, Westbrook and Harden, the Thunder disposed of the Lakers in 5. This Left the Buss family with some decisions. To compete with rising powers like the Thunder, Heat and Clippers, the Lakers needed to go young. You know who I think of when I think young? I think then 38 year old point Guard Steve Nash. No worries though, because the Lakers managed to trade the basket case known as Andrew Bynum to Illy Philly in a three team trade, and bagged Dwight Howard!

Right?! It’s totes going to be fun!

That’s right, in the Stern enforced era of no superteams, what did Mitch Kupchak do? He built a super team. It was gravy man. The stars were aligning and everyone was going to get what they wanted – an inevitable Championship collision between a King and a Mamba. The only question was who was going to get there faster, the defending Champs, or a team that could Pick and Roll their way through the Western Conference? Oh wait, we’re not running the pick and roll? We’re running the Princeton offense, an offense meant to compensate for a team’s lack of superstar talent, with a ROSTER OOZING WITH SUPERSTARS?

Could you explain that one more time Steve?

Obviously this plan fell flat on its face and Mike Brown was fired 5 games into the season. After a short (panicked) search, the Lakers hired Mike D’Antoni. It was a logical choice, Nash and D’Antoni had so much success in Phoenix before and Kobe’s favorite basketball player growing up in Europe was Mike D’Antoni. You can’t lose! Well, unless the entire team can’t stay healthy and the everyone ends up hating each other….Oh wait!

I wish you where Shaq. At least we won.

Steve Nash broke his leg, Dwight couldn’t feel his feet for most of the season and screwed up his shoulders, Pau messed up his knee and the list goes on. Even the Black Mamba himself had struggles staying on the court. This all culminated on that fateful night in Staples. It was as if you could see Kobe’s ankle buckle under the weight of carrying the Lakers for so long. It was almost merciful. The team was painful to watch, as the chemistry just never emerged. That’s what you get for trying to play fantasy sports in real life. Not everyone is going to get along and gel. How could we have known, though, its not like the Lakers have tried this before.

Oh wait

The Lakers limped into the playoffs and were quickly swept out by eventual Western Conference Champs, San Antonio Spurs. As the offseason began, serious decisions loomed. The Lakers had to resign Dwight Howard…like REALLY NEEDED to resign him. They amnestied Metta World Peace to create space and try to stay under the cap. Even with all of this and the fact that they are the freaking Los Angeles Lakers, Dwight left for Houston. Unable to catch the big fish in free agency, the Lakers contented themselves with a bounty of little fish.

TOTES FUN RIGHT!?!

This past summer was filled with the absolutely epic signings of Swaggy P and Chris “Caveman” Kaman, who teamed up to return the Lakers to greatness, and buy a live cow. They only accomplished one of these tasks.

Because when I think the Los Angeles Lakers I think cows

This rag tag roster is not championship material. Hell, this rag tag roster isn’t even in the same universe as playoff material. Currently, at an atrocious 18 and 33, the Lakers are staring at the bottom of the cellar in the Western conference for the first time since God knows when. The lone bright spot this year has been the play of Nick Young

#Swagmeter

Since his return to SoCal, Swaggy P has made his case for Sixth Man of the Year, but of course he’s currently out with a knee injury. Even with all of this terrible play and constant bad news that looms over the Lakers….I AIN’T WORRIED ABOUT NOTHIN!

Why shouldn’t I believe Kobe? We aren’t talking about some of these other punk franchises; we’re talking about the Los Angeles Lakers. We’re talking 16 Larry O’Bryant Trophies, 25 Hall of Fame players and we even retired a microphone for the great Chick Hearn. There is no doubt that the Lakers will return to glory. For the first time in seven years the Lakers are likely going to have a top 10 pick, and this upcoming draft class is loaded with potential stars like; Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker, Julius Randle and Marcus Smart. I ain’t worried about nothing.

Furthermore, even with Kobe’s enormous contract, the Lakers have the cap space to make a splash in free agency. Hell, even Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony are not out of the question, and second tier free agent names like Eric Bledsoe and Greg Monroe are plausible. Signing even one of those players would put the Lakers on the inside track of signing Kevin Love in the summer of 2015.

The former UCLA stud is due for some home cooking. Being stuck in NBA exile known as Minnesota (sorry T’Wolves fans but you know its true) has left Love out of the playoffs for his entire NBA career. Ever since winning Olympic gold in England, Love has stated his desire to play with teammates that know how to win. Even GM’s in the association now think that Love is playing out his contract so he can sign with the Lakers next summer. So I ain’t worried about nothing. Also as long as this cat is wearing Purple & Gold the Lakers will still have a punchers chance.

The fact is, the NBA is a better product as a whole when the Lakers are a good team, but every team deserves a year off right? That’s exactly what the Los Angeles Lakers are doing now. I trust Kupchak and the Buss family; they don’t rebuild they just reload. So will the Lakers return to glory? Of course! Will the Lakers be able to sign top tier free agent talent? Please, you know Kupchak is already on it. Will the Lakers find a stud in this draft? It’s going to be hard to not find a stud in this upcoming draft. So is Laker Nation going to see something like this again?

Or something like this?

Of course we are!

So, me, I ain’t worried about nothing.