By John Dodge

CHICAGO (CBS) — Hello, gentle riders.

When it comes to minding your manners on public transit, here are some important rules.

Do not masturbate.

Sitting passengers, do not stare at standing riders’ naughty bits. Standing riders, to not put your naughty bits too close to the sitting riders.

Keep your hands to yourself–no groping, slapping, shoving, or hand-on-the-small-of-the-back placing.

“The L is a zoo during rush hour,” one person on the Chicago Reddit page wrote. “Just do whatever it will take to avoid getting trampled on, injured, or covered in bodily fluids.”

“Don’t do something you’d do in a bathroom on the train,” another wrote.

And, avoid training on the train.

This guy isn’t hurting anybody, but it is pretty odd.

While most of those tips are good for the socially unbalanced, fringe lunatic faction of transit riders, the CTA does provide some other suggestions to be, in their words, “a good neighbor on transit.”

Move all the way in when boarding train cars, or all the way to the rear on buses to make room for everyone.

Keep packages, bags or luggage on your lap or between your feet on buses and trains to avoid blocking aisles.

If a bus or train gets crowded, fold your stroller or cart.

Take everything you brought on board with you when you leave (including newspapers).

Use trash receptacles and recycling bins, as appropriate.

Keep your feet and belongings off of empty seats to allow others to sit down.

Be mindful of others when talking on your phone or using electronics which others may hear (including ringtones). If you’re carrying on a conversation by text message, turn your ringer down or put your phone on vibrate.

Allow exiting passengers out of a bus or train before attempting to board.

Have your fare ready before you board a bus or approach a turnstile.

Stand clear of doors so people can easily enter and exit vehicles.

Don’t hold a train in a station—if you need extra time before boarding, wait for the next train (they’re usually only a few minutes apart).

That doesn’t seem so hard, does it?

Well, apparently it is.

Backpacks are a big issue with transit riders. It is one of the biggest complaints on a current conversation thread on Reddit Chicago.

“Seriously, if you leave your backpack on while on a crowded train, I hate you,” one person wrote.

“Backpacks hanging off one shoulder, swinging around? NO! This also goes for any big shoulder bag. IT SWINGS! Who hasn’t seen some butt head, not paying attention, jump up to get out of the train at their stop before the doors close and whack every seated passenger on the back of the head,” wrote another.

Notice how this rider has her large bag on the lap.

The CTA rules also don’t mention another big peeve among riders.

“Get off the f—ing train when the f—ing train stops. You don’t nee to pre-detrain. I don’t understand these a–holes who get up 30-60 seconds before the stop, elbow everyone, and then we all get off anyway. Imagine if people did this on elevators. Why is it acceptable on trains?”

And, finally, “I got bitched at by an old lady this morning for putting on mascara, so I guess that.”

No, gentle rider, mascara application is fine, just, please, don’t clip your nails.