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And then you get older, and all that candy-joy just ... stops. Sure, there are other things you start appreciating more: fine wine, the gentle caress of a lover, the first time your uncle in the mafia lets you kill a man. But candy? Yes, it still tastes all right, but if a stranger came up and offered some in exchange for you getting in his weird-smelling, unmarked van? You'd at least ask him to throw in some beer as well.

It turns out there's a scientific reason for this age-related sugar decline. Researchers theorize that children's love of sweet, candy goodness might be influenced by the hormones secreted by their growing bones. Growth hormones are known to affect the part of the brain responsible for cravings and taste preferences: children's bone-growing hormones, the candy-loving theory goes, trigger an ecstatic response to calorie-packed, growth-promoting sugar. Once that growth stops, no matter how sweet-toothed you are, your childhood sugar-heaven is gone forever. In other words, America's most spooky holiday will eventually be ruined for all of us by our own skeletons. That's like a real-life vampire showing up on Halloween just to piss in the apple-bobbing tub.

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"The AB positive adds an extra woodsmoke flavor."

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But it gets worse, because ...