The very first thing you do in Duke Nukem Forever is relieve yourself.

That’s right. After 14 tortured years in development, after being endlessly revised and restarted by no fewer than four different studios since the Clinton administration, Duke Nukem Forever finally opens with a first-person view of a men’s urinal being put to its intended purpose.

It rarely becomes more entertaining.

There is no easy way to put this: Duke Nukem Forever is shockingly, embarrassingly bad. Not ironic bad. Not campy bad. Not even fascinating bad. Just bad, as in unpleasant to play and watch. As in please save your money.

Over the dozen or so hours of the main campaign, I had fun for about 20 minutes. Only two spots — a battle against a hulking alien atop the Hoover Dam and a fighting sequence in which normally inconsequential enemies loom terrifyingly large — were fully, enjoyably engaging. The rest of the time was a chore and a bore. And I got the game free.