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And that's just snack food to meet the most basic caloric requirements. The idea that I might be able to cook actual food or even heat up something frozen to then shovel into my face was laughable. I lost 10 pounds: The same amount of weight as my daughter at the time -- coincidence? Bearing in mind that I'm a skinny son of a bitch to begin with, this got dangerous.

But there was no obvious solution. Even preparing food at night after I dragged my ass home from work late still left me with the problem of how to get the food to my mouth the next day. It's one I didn't solve, and it led to some health problems that took several months to recover from.

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As the pros say: "Blood sugar imbalances can cause a host of bothersome effects, including mood swings, headaches, trembling, sweating, and fatigue." Uh-huh? No shit. We've all been there, sister.

After a month, my kid seemed to sense that I wasn't able to hold her as well as before (I wonder why), so she started sleeping on her own ... most of the time. When that happened, I stuffed my goddamn face. Which was also dangerous. It doesn't take a dietitian to know that going from not eating at all to shoveling half of your refrigerator into your gaping suckhole isn't healthy.

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But, again, at the time when the prohibition was lifted, before the binge-eating came back to kick me in the guts, I was so grateful I could have wept. Eating until I felt like I could puke was my reward.

I'm telling you that babies know exactly what they're doing. Every torture technique they use on you strips away another layer of self-involved narcissism until you're left a better, more selfless, far more loving person.

Either that or I have a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome.

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