WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before the court,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, adding that the album had already been heard by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eleventh Circuit, where Judge Gerald Bard Tjoflat had overridden a lower court’s decision by ruling in its favor. “We consented to review this album because it offers the court the opportunity to further clarify Mr. White’s career, which has on occasion been ambiguous and difficult to define going back to the Elephant-era White Stripes. It is our intention that this ruling will serve as the clear legal basis for all future assessments of his blues-influenced guitar work.” At press time, the Supreme Court had announced in a 7-2 ruling that the album sucks.

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