REAL AND UNREAL LANDMARKS OF FICTION: Harrypotterland



You want to visit Hogwarts? You want to immerse yourself in J.K. Rowling's living world of magic, true friendship, and posh British eccentricity? Why, all you need to do is open a book and......travel to "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter," a Universal Studios island and resort that will open in the Spring of 2010.(halfhearted noisemaker bleat)Soon, sugared-up hordes of obsessed tots will be dragged to an island in Florida where it will be proved to them -- PROVED beyond a shadow of a doubt -- that there is no such thing as real magic. Hearts will shatter like cheap glazed candy falling from a tired toddler's fat hand. Dreams will be crushed like a novelty wizard's hat stuffed into the trunk of a beige Prius.From the Universal Studio's press release about the big "WWOHP" "Inspired by J.K. Rowling's compelling stories and characters - and faithful to the visual landscapes of the films - The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal's Islands of Adventure will provide visitors with a one-of-a-kind experience complete with multiple attractions, shops and a signature eating establishment. This completely immersive environment will transcend generations and bring the wonder and magic of the amazingly detailed Harry Potter books and films to life.""All of the action and adventures of Harry Potter's world will come to life here at Universal Orlando Resort," said Tom Williams, chairman and CEO, Universal Parks and Resorts. "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will be unlike any other experience on earth and we can't wait to see the looks on our guests' faces as they enter this rich environment."You don't have to wait for it. I can show you exactly what guests' faces will look like when they get to visit the reality of their favorite imaginary landscape. To smell the smells! To chat with suicidal actors and lookalikes! To frantically realize that there is no God, Dumbledore, or even Voldemort, and that everything they wish were true is being stored, stapled, and used against them by a team of heartless marketing executives!Get a load of them guests' faces!Luckily, in their depressed and vulnerable anomie -- while their souls throb for release from the existential horror of dream-made-real -- guests will be ready to buy anything to make themselves feel better. Will there be anything for sale at "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter?"Basically, Universal Studios has decided to dispense with the theme park altogether and has created a "ROW OF MAAAAAAAGICAL STORES." The price of admission gives you the magic opportunity to buy more magically overpriced crap.Here's some child actors talking about how cool it will all be:And here's a virtual tour of all the stores you can someday visit if you really believe:***Meanwhile, on a different island, a place known as "Guantanamo Bay," a place where the fun theme is "tell me what you know" and where people's minds are slowly being broken every day by dangerous cloaked monsters called "Marines," it has been leaked that the Harry Potter books are the most requested reading material for prisoners. Second most requested is "Don Quixote." Third most requested is "Dreams from my Father."The saddest thing in the world will be when these imprisoned Harry Potter fans are finally released. These prisoners will then be shunted into the depressed American economy as they await their military tribunals. They will need temporary jobs, and they will already be in Florida after being rowboated out of Cuba. They will pick up the local paper, scan the classifieds, and see...AN EXCITING HARRY POTTER RELATED JOB OPPORTUNITY!***Here are some other fictional islands that Universal Studios should create instead:"The Cyberpunk World of William Gibson":"Inspired by William Gibsons's compelling stories and characters - and faithful to the visual landscapes of the films - The Cyberpunk World of William Gibson will provide visitors with a one-of-a-kind experience complete with multiple attractions, shops and a signature eating establishment. Fry your mind on the "internet!" Spend an afternoon as a meat puppet, fucking for money in a rotating meth-brothel! Eat Japanese take-out!""The Authentic World of Peter Matthiessen""Inspired by Peter Matthiessen's National Book Award winning novel "Shadow Country," Universal Studios has taken a beautiful Florida island and done absolutely nothing to it. See nothing but an authentic Florida island, complete with the bones of the tourists who were here the week before. Walk around in the goddamn wilderness getting bit by mosquitoes and attacked by snakes. Try not to go crazy as you are pistol-whipped, verbally abused, and forced to cut sugar cane in order to buy your passage OFF the island. Get drunk. Make some illegitimate children. Whatever. You ain't leaving.""The Tedious World of Marcel Proust""Inspired by Marcel Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past," each one of these seven islands has been lovingly recreated to showcase your favorite events from his epic work of painstaking modernism. This completely immersive environment will transcend generations and bring the wonder and magic of Marcel Proust's amazingly detailed books to life. Take lots of candid pictures of your chauffer, because you'll want to "remember" your vacation again and again and again..." "DickensWorld"



...actually exists! But it will probably close down soon due to lack of interest. Also, "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter" most likely poached all the furniture and actors from DickensWorld over the summer and is bribing officials to get them work visas for opening day right this very second.So what I am saying is...Guantanamo Bay + DickensWorld + Hell / Humanity ="The Wizarding World of Harry Potter!" Spring 2010! Book your reservations now!