Where I share some thoughts about coming out as bisexual; what it was like, what I reacted to, and what I would say to anyone still on the fence about the issue.

The ‘Phase’

So I came out as a bisexual just over a month ago. It was like every story I had heard — I was almost shaking from nervousness before coming out, I felt the need to scream and shout Hallelujah once I had come out, and I felt like laughing when I realized how pretty much no one around me cared if I bent one way, the other, or both. But one sentence hung with me…

The first person I came out to was my dad. We were sitting in a pub, drinking perhaps a bit more than what is expected of a father-son relationship. Now, I had known that I was bisexual since the tender age of 12, but I had only been seriously thinking about coming out for a couple of months, since I was scheduled to move to another city in a week or so. So I told my dad, “Hey dad, I have something I want you to know. And, uh, you’re like the first person I, um, tell this to. I’m, uh… Bisexual,” And yes, queue the awkward smile after the last sentence.

My dad immediately bowed forward over the table, and said to me, “Listen, I wouldn’t care if you’re full-blown gay, you’re still my son and I still love you,” Now, don’t get me wrong, the sentiment that he would love me for whomever I was did touch me deeply, but what stuck with me was another part of that sentence.

“I wouldn’t care if you’re full-blown gay”

Think about that sentence for a moment. Yes, he loves me unconditionally, but consider the way he phrases it: ‘full-blown gay’. As if being bisexual somehow is a ‘lesser developed’ type of gayness?

My dad is definitely not a judgmental person — in fact, he might well be one of the most accepting people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. But this one sentence showed me how ingrained looking down upon bisexuals is. Bisexuality is not ‘a phase,’ is not about ‘just being on the fence,’ or ‘deciding later’. Bisexuality is a ‘full-blown’ sexuality, as is every other sexual preference. I couldn’t care less if you’re into guys, gals, both, neither, pots and pans or IKEA furniture; it’s still a sexual preference, and it’s still your preference.

I know that my dad meant no wrong when saying that phrase, but if it is not a proof of how bisexuality is regarded as a ‘phase’, I do not know what is.

‘Oooh, nobody gives a shit.’

I came out through Facebook and Instagram. I know, classy as hell. As I saw the likes and the comments flooding in, I realized two things:

I really need to come out face-to-face with the people I hold closest to me, and Nobody cares.

Now, I don’t mean ‘nobody cares’ as in ‘nobody supports my decision to come out’. I mean ad verbatim ‘nobody cares’. It might just be that I am lucky to live in an accepting environment, but there has not been a single person who resented me for my coming out, or who distanced themselves from me.

Coming out is a personal struggle. I fought with the idea of bisexuality for about fifteen years, before I gathered up the balls (and the promilles) to come out. Coming out is not easy — it means to accept yourself, your sexuality, and to let it become a new part of your identity. It’s life-changing, to say the least.

Yet, you are the only person who thinks that. Nobody in your surroundings really cares whether you like any of the above mentioned preferences. Granted, this comes with building a stable social circle of people who believe this — if you surround yourself with homophobic people, and then believe coming out is going to be a dance on roses, you are but delusional.

Only one of my friends seemed a bit strange, when we met the day after at a pub. The rest, they never mentioned the thing. They never brought up sexuality. They didn’t distance themselves; they didn’t cut ties with me. They just went on with their lives, and perhaps so should you.

Coming out is easy; living with it is hard

My final comment on coming out is that of continuity — if you come out once, don’t expect it to be the last time. Currently, I live in a new city, surrounded by (mostly) new people, doing new things. I personally need to let them know of my sexuality, when and if I deem it necessary.

I’ve read a lot of articles on coming out as bi, and most of them agree that bisexuals usually have to live with the fact that they constantly have to be in a ‘coming out’-phase. You will meet new acquaintances, you will meet new crushes, and each and every one of them is oblivious to your sexuality. Tell them when you deem it necessary — you’ve already come out once; it’s not that hard anymore.

Best regards, a public fag

For those of you who ponder whether you should come out, and for those of you who feel the need to hide who you are for the foreseeable future:

Bisexuals come out for the rest of their lives — it’s not that horrible once you’ve done it once Nobody cares about your sexual preferences, they have theirs and you have yours Don’t come out solely through Facebook and Instagram — the joy of coming out is in seeing the other person’s facial expressions

I hope my experiences have enlightened at least some of you, and that some of you might in exchange feel more enlightened about the process of coming out.

Sincerely,

Oliver Saal

A public bisexual