I don’t know if you guys noticed or not but this is a very special On the Forums this week. This is our one year anniversary. I published the first On the Forums a year ago tomorrow and I’ve had one almost every week since. That’s a bit of a milestone. I’ve mentioned it before but this series started out as me just ranting about whatever I had read that day while we were in the pub after WTC practice evenings and when it was suggested I write my rants up for this blog I didn’t expect it to last more than a few weeks. I certainly didn’t anticipate doing this a year later. Frankly if it wasn’t for the positive feedback and encouragement I get from you guys I’d have stopped doing this a long time ago. Thanks for the support! Now, that’s enough lovey dovey shit, let’s get motherfucking angry about some shit that doesn’t really matter!



Scatters are awful because I’m a tool!

I hate the scatter template system so much I’m basically considering quitting Warmachine! It is such an imprecise system! It’s so much more imprecise than anything else in the game even though it’s nearly exactly the same as all other measuring. You measure where to where the AOE deviates from and then you have to measure to where it goes and see what’s under it! The worst, though, and this really is what makes me just hate this game is when you play That Guy. You know the one I mean. The guy who insists on trying to be as precise as possible with the AOE to see whether something is in or out of the AOE. I got into a massive argument with some guy the other night because we couldn’t agree on whether an AOE was 5mm behind my models front arc or in front of it! Can you imagine playing that kind of douchebag? In this situation I was obviously correct that it was precisely 5mm in front of my models arc while he was an overprecise jackass for dispute my precision placement of the template. I hate when other people try and play the game with precision and then disagree with my obviously superior ability at measuring things. It’s not like I could have ended the dispute by giving him the negligible difference to the overall game that AOE probably would have meant and just agreed that it was where he thought it was because precision with deviation is impossible. No, instead it is far better that I argued with him for a while, threatened to quit the game, and then posted a big rant about him on the internet. That way I’m the reasonable hero of this story and he’s a jerk.

Vengeance is over, what do we get next book?

So Vengeance was a super enlightening book for all of us because it taught us all an important lesson: the faction that whines the most gets the best releases. The Ret player base has been mopey for a long time and this book it obviously paid off for them. If Khador ever wants to be as competitive as Ret we need to start a campaign of near constant whinging now! Let’s all make a list of the top 3 things that Khador needs if we want to be a competitive faction. Let’s not go crazy with this, though, we can keep our demands reasonable. Man-o-War solo or UA is an obvious starting point. Khador definitely needs Man-o-Wars to be fixed if we’re ever going to compete in the current meta. The solo, or UA, should be at least as good as the Iron Fang Kovnik. Kharchev2, even though PP said officially that he’d never get released, is still a perfectly reasonable demand. Our whining can overpower PP’s commitment to previous statements. A few other reasonable requests for the PP design team: an Arc Node solo, a non-character Sylys Wyshnalyr, the ability to trivially remove upkeeps, a cavalry unit that are all mini-battle engines, Commodore Cannon style heavy artillery that has a 5” AOE, a convenient and reliable answer to all kinds of Stealth that’s not just sprays, AOEs, Spriggan flares or melee attacks, and lastly just something entirely new and different for the faction. That seems like a perfectly reasonable list of demands, I’m sure PP will have all of this sorted by the next book.

Menoth players are trapped by myths about their faction.

Did you know that Menoth ‘jacks can sometimes make power attacks? I bet you didn’t because most Menoth players don’t do it. Menoth players are so stuck in their perceptions of what is done that they forget about Power Attacks as well as all the crazy out of activation movement the faction has. This laziness is almost certainly holding the faction back but luckily I’m here to help them! I’m going to teach them to get the most out of our handful of movement shenanigans abilities and break down the walls within Menoth players minds! This will be no small feat, however, since a player as unknown but good as Brian White doesn’t even know what Enliven does! I’m not surprised he doesn’t since it’s generally the wrong decision on any given turn, arcane bolt often being a superior choice, but that is how big of a task is ahead of me. Luckily I’ve tested all my new amazing play-style revelations against the really good players in my local meta, you’ve never heard of them but trust me they are super legit, and if they work against that kind of top flight player they must work for everyone! Sure you could suggest that if my opponents get caught out by not knowing what Enliven or Warpath do they might not actually be that good but that’s clearly because you’re an idiot and too lazy to understand how much better I am than you.

Geometry makes no sense because of Logic!

Fucking Euclid was a goddamn piece of shit and a moron. We can all agree to that right? What did that guy know about things? He was so stupid he even called his book on Geometry Elements as if that makes any goddamn sense. One of his stupidest assertions, I’m sure we can agree, was the idea of the tangent. A line that just touches a circle at one point and continues on is obviously moronic. The line has to stop when it contacts the circle! That’s the only thing that makes logical sense. This has obvious and huge implications for the game of warmachine. I frequently manage to exactly down to the millimeter line up my models to block LOS from enemy models but because of this stupid ruling based on some dead Greek fuckers idea of Geometry that doesn’t actually work and I still get shot! Why even have a measuring tape with an attached laser level and various widgets for directly lining up my models, while obviously stating my intent, if I get no benefit from it? This is obviously a travesty and should be corrected immediately but those stupid Infernals will never listen to my clearly superior rules interpretation! This ruling would basically mean that there is no back arc anyway because I misread how LOS is determined and assumed it was by some weird line based system instead of actually reading the rules! Good thing I called out the Infernals for not following the rulebook before someone pointed out I hadn’t read the rulebook! In summary I may not be good at math, logic or knowing the rules of Warmachine but I’m right and the Infernals are a bunch of jerks set on misinterpreting the rules of the game for their own nefarious purposes. Only one many can save us from their monstrous oppression, all praise his name!

Hero Thread: Accidentally did April fools early? by Flindo

I’m really not a fan of Liars Day in general. People who post things that would be exciting news just to take it away in the name of the lulz is more stupid than it is amusing. That said I have an admiration for anyone that takes the time to instead make something genuinely amusing and enjoyable even when separated from the fairly pointless ‘holiday’ it was originally attached to. This thread is a great example of PP doing that. I found the posts from the PP staffers very amusing and would recommend you give this thread a bit of a trawl through.

That’s all for this week, thanks for reading!