3A. ESSAY:

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have

been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more

efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban

refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot

bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute

Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and

an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended

a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of

numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in

my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair

electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics

worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t

perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller

number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral

arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children

trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and

still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the

exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed

several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep,

I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated

with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of

physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On

weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago

I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made

extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I

breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving

competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played

Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

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This is over 20 years old. It is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, attended NYU.