Every Woo down in Wooville liked Tweezer a lot

But the Grinch who lived just north of Wooville did not!

The Grinch hated Tweezer! The whole Tweezer season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his lid was too tight.

It could be his pen wasn’t working just right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his balls were two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason -- his hat, pen, or balls --

He stood there, a jaded phan, hating Woo calls,

Staring down from the loge with a sour, Grinchy stare

At the Woos and their crews and dredlockified hair

For he knew every Woo down in Wooville below

Was busy preparing to woo at the show.

"See them quaffing their cocktails," he snarled with a sneer.

"Tomorrow is New Year’s! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,

"I must find some way to keep Tweezer from coming!

For, tomorrow, I know all the Woo chicks and brahs

Will awaken and dream of Tube Screamers and wahs!

And then! Oh, the boys! Oh, the boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!

There's one thing I hate! It’s the BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!



And they'll shriek squeaks and squeals, racing 'round through the venue.

They'll dance while the Phish offers songs off their menu.

They'll hit their woo-floovers. They'll nibble woo-tookas.

They'll blow their woo-hoopers. They'll doink their woo-dookas.

They'll spin their woo-trumkas. They'll slam their woo-slunkas.

They'll beat their woo-bloopas. They'll wham their woo-wonkas.

And they'll play Phishy games like All Fall Down and then D’OH

(A language unknown but to those in the know).

Then the Woos, young and old, will get down to some funk,

And they'll funk! And they'll funk! And they'll FUNK! FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!

They'll funk on Woo grilled cheese, and rare Woo lot food

(Raw lot food is certain to sour your mood).

And then they'll do something that sucks most of all:

Every Woo down in Wooville, the tall and the small,

They'll stand close together, in sync with their doing,

They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those Woos will start wooing!

"And they'll woo! And they'll woo! And they'll WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO!"

And the more the Grinch thought of this vile Tweezer poo,

The more the Grinch thought, "I must not let them woo!

Why, for forty-six years I've put up with it now!

I must stop Tweezer from coming! But how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

The Grinch got a sinister, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch coughed in his throat.

"I'll make a quick Gordy Claus scarf, and a coat!"

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great grinchy jape!

I’ll look just like Saint Mike with this scarf on my nape!”

"All I need is a golf cart." The Grinch looked around.

But since golf carts are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the Grinch? Sheeit! The Grinch simply said,

"If I can't find a golf cart, I'll make one instead!"

So he fetched his dog ‘Pua, and then some old tires.

And he fastened them all with some duct tape and wires.

Then he loaded some vodka and rum and kahlua

On his ramshackle sleigh and he called for Harpua.

Then the Grinch cried "G.A.!" and the rig started down

Toward the back of the floor where the Woos would dance ‘round.

All their eyes faced the stage. No one knew he was there.

All the Woos were just busting sweet moves without care

When he saw a young scenester with monster beard hair.

"This is mark number one," the old Gordy Claus hissed,

As he snuck in behind, ether rags in his fist.

Then he slid a few fingers into the Woo’s drawers

(Environs ill-suited for timid explorers).

He got stuck only once, during “Rift” > “Funky Bitch,”

Then he pulled out his hand without ripping a stitch

And he smiled at his take, a green pointer-laser,

Which he used to zap Dirksen’s old corduroy blazer.

Then he slithered and slunk through the skunk most unpleasant,

Around the whole room, and he robbed all those present!

Bop guns, Bug-poogas, phan-tookas, and thwocks!

Whammies, and fight bells, and ‘Plexes, and ‘Docs!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very stealth,

Absconded with Phish-and-fans’ ill-gotten wealth.

Then he slunk to the tour bus, and then what he did

Was he took six of Fishman’s 18 lovely kids.

He cleaned out the stash box as quick as a flash.

Why, that Grinch even took the last lid of Woo hash!

Then he stuffed all the stuff in his old ratty tent

That he’d traded for second gen tapes of Great Went.

As the Grinch zipped the fly on his tent to the top,

He heard a sharp noise that he thought was a cop.

He spun around quick, and he saw a small Woo!

Little Cindy-Lou Woo, who was just twenty-two.

She stared at the Grinch and said, "Gordy Claus, why,

Why are you fucking up Tweezer Day? Why?”

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so greasy,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up easy!

"Why, my sweet little mama," fake Gordy Claus spewed,

"Phish 3 can’t compete with Phish 1 and Phish 2,

So I'm taking them back home to Burlington, dear,

I'll fix them up there, then I'll bring them back here."

And his fib fooled the Woo. Then he patted her head,

And he gave her a beer, and he sent her to bed.

And when Cindy-Lou Woo was in bed with her stout

He loaded his van and he bugged the fuck out!

Then he did the same thing to the Woos' hotel rooms,

Made off with their shoeses and Fruit-of-the-Looms.

It was quarter of dawn. All the Woos to a man

Were a-snooze due to booze when he packed up his van.

Packed it up with their tickets, their rage sticks, their glitter,

Their snoofs and their fuzzles, their kid’s babysitter!

Ten thousand feet up, past the dogs in their fountains,

He rode with his load up to Icculus Mountain.

"Pooh-pooh to the Woos!" he was grinchily humming.

"They're finding out now that no Tweezer is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then the Woos down in Wooville will all cry boo-hoo!

That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"

He paused, and the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the lot.

It started quite cold, then it got pretty hot.

But this sound wasn't pissed!

Why, this sound sounded blissed!

Every Woo down in Wooville, the tall and the small,

Was wooing without any jamming at all!

He hadn't stopped Tweezer from coming! It came!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch feet ice-cold in a puddle

Stood puzzling and puzzling, his face all befuddled.

It came without that! It came without this!

It came without glitter, or shatter, or Phish!"

He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

Maybe Tweezer, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Tweezer -- and Tweeprise -- mean just a bit more!

And what happened then? Well, in Wooville they say

That the Grinch's wee balls grew THREE sizes that day!

And then the true meaning of Tweezer came through,

And the Grinch found the swag of ten Grinches, plus two!

With a grin on his grill, he came down from the hills

Jamming away on Mike’s ganked power drill

He cruised into Wooville. He brought back the toys.

He brought back Fishman’s children, the girls and the boys.

He brought back their snoof and their tringlers and foozles,

Brought back their woo-tookas, their dafflers and woozles.

He brought back Diego, Guyute the pig,

And he, he himself (the Grinch!) even woo’d at the gig!

Welcome Tweezer. Bring your cheer,

Cheer to all Woos, far and near.

Tweezer Day is in our grasp

So long as we have hands to clasp.

Tweezer Day will always be

Just as long as we have we.

Welcome Tweezer while we stand

Heart to heart and band in hand.