The atheist professor, the cars next door and the war of the pooping pigeons



As the world’s most famous celebrity atheist, Professor Richard Dawkins is forever busying his brain with a selection of highbrow debates on everything from evolutionary theory to the existence of God.

Not to mention constantly venting his spleen in the direction of the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Church of England, Pope Benedict XVI, the National Trust, Prince Charles and anyone who claims to be Christian yet can’t remember the name of the first book of the New Testament.

Lately, however, the author of The Selfish Gene and The God Delusion has been working himself into a right old lather about something rather more down-to-earth: garden birds.



Not so highbrow: Celebrity atheist and author Richard Dawkins is in a flap over the rights of garden birds

Or, more specifically, pigeons and their right to drop their droppings wherever they like, and particularly on his neighbour’s sports cars in his leafy, exclusive enclave of north Oxford.

‘I love birds,’ said the 71-year-old professor, all hot and bothered, last week. ‘They are great national treasures. Our English garden birds are a heritage worth preserving.’

It all started when Dawkins’s neighbour, a rather jolly multi-millionaire Swiss wine merchant called Bernard Fontannaz, grew tired of washing pigeon mess off the gleaming Maserati, Aston Martin and Mercedes estate parked in the driveway of his four-storey £4 million house.

‘Every day my cars would change colour! It was a real problem,’ he says.

The droppings were falling thick and fast from the branch of an enormous mock acacia tree that overhung his driveway and had become a favourite hang-out for pigeons. So Mr Fontannaz, 41, called in the professionals.

First, they hung a flock of huge plastic owls sitting on faux wooden perches in the tree, fitted with sonic devices emitting high-pitched ‘twit-twoooos’ in the hope of frightening the birds.

‘But they didn’t really work. I think pigeons are brighter than we give them credit for. They weren’t taken in at all,’ said Mr Fontannaz.

Next, he employed a crack team of tree surgeons to install a row of 10cm transparent plastic spikes along the offending branch where the birds liked to, ahem, sit.

Which is when the professor (who lives nearby with his third wife, former Doctor Who actress Lalla Ward) reportedly saw red — ranting, raging and muttering about the unsightly objects.

‘Those spikes are hostile, very unpleasant and could injure the birds,’ he said. ‘They are very unsightly . . . if everyone had spikes on the trees it would be a disaster.

‘It was rather a selfish thing to do. It would be very nice if the people thought better of it and decided that the birds were worth having concern for rather than the slight trouble of washing a bit of mess off their car.’

Cruelty to pigeons? Dawkins's neighbour, Bernard Fontannaz, has placed decoy owls and plastic spikes in his trees to deter the birds, which were fouling his prized Maserati

Oh dear. It seems Professor Dawkins, while boasting one of the fiercest intellects in the country, is not an expert in all things.

Because as anyone whose car has been targeted will vouch, pigeon mess is strong stuff — acidic, abrasive (particularly if the birds have been enjoying a seed-rich diet), frequently germ-ridden and a devil to get off without damaging the paintwork.

Dozens of websites, YouTube videos and blogs are dedicated to its safe removal. One of the most popular internet pages, ‘How to Remove Bird Muck Properly’, is very firm on ‘no rubbing’, ‘no strong detergents’, ‘no attacking it when it’s dry’, and advocates a blast with a pressure washer and a long gentle soak, always within 48 hours to avoid permanent damage to paintwork.

Mr Fontannaz, meanwhile, is rather bemused (and a little amused) by the furore.

‘It has grown out of proportion. We took lots of advice — we had a tree specialist and all sorts and we tried the spikes, which are used widely in pretty much every town on old and historic buildings.

‘Nobody and nothing has been hurt. The spikes are bendy, so they don’t do any harm, they just make it tricky for the bird to sit comfortably.’

Keep out! Avian visitors are advised to avoid the upmarket Oxford property

And are there spikes over every tree in his garden?

‘No, no, no! Just on the one branch overlapping the bit where I park my cars. It’s not like they have no other trees to sit in. But my answer may not be the right one — I am happy to listen to any other solution.’

There are certainly plenty of options. Mr Fontannaz could have splashed out on a £55 Pest-Stop Electronic Bird Scarer, which uses the hunting calls of sparrow hawks, falcons and owls to frighten away unwelcome pigeons.

Or he could have purchased a £6 wind-powered rotating bird-repeller — although Professor Dawkins might not have enjoyed its attention-grabbing ‘reflective flash and predator eyes’. Or he could have hired Rufus, Wimbledon’s infamous pigeon-hating falcon who was kidnapped recently, but returned in time to protect the grass courts from unwelcome pigeons.

Or Mr Fontannaz could have traded his once gleaming silver Maserati for a green model. According to a survey by Halfords, the colour of your car is a determining factor in whether pigeons consider it worthy of a dirty protest.

Bright red is their top favourite — researchers found 18 per cent of red cars were splattered with droppings. It’s followed by blue (14 per cent), black (11 per cent), white (7 per cent) grey/silver (3 per cent) and, right at the bottom, almost pristine, green (1 per cent).

‘I think these pigeons must be colour blind,’ says Fontannaz. ‘They love silver. My car’s covered every morning.’

Blimey. Wasn’t he tempted just to grab a gun and blast them out of the tree?

‘Oh no!’ he says, appalled. ‘I didn’t want to kill them. I just wanted them to stop dropping mess on my cars. The sad part is that in the front garden we’ve done lots of work and it looks lovely. And all I hear about is a few spikes on one branch. Professor Dawkins sees the tree, but not the forest.’

Dirty protest: Pigeons are drawn to red cars, while green ones were found to attract the fewest droppings

Maybe they should both start scraping up all that pigeon dirt and putting it on their rose beds. For centuries, pigeon poo was so highly prized as a fertiliser for crops in Britain, vineyards in France and melons in Iran that armed guards were stationed outside the entrances to dovecotes to deter thieves.

It does seem a ridiculous fuss about nothing. One which has left Mr Fontannaz, who moved to Oxford last year, astonished.

‘In a rational world with rational people, Professor Dawkins should have come and seen me and we could have talked about it rationally — after all, that’s supposed to be his forte, isn’t it?

‘Isn’t he supposed to be the most rational person of all? I’ve heard of his books, but I haven’t read them — I’m sure they’re very good,’ he adds politely. ‘Though I do think it’s odd that he doesn’t care about God, but he does care about the birds.

‘I just hope he can see the ironical side of it. It’s good to discover the pigeon is to be a new national treasure! Maybe, thanks to Professor Dawkins, we’ll have a new national pigeon day in its honour! Hurrah the pigeon!’

Somehow, having spoken to the very indignant professor — ‘I said garden birds are a national treasure, not pigeons! I was talking about garden birds. I was not talking about pigeons. That’s the end. Goodbye!’ — I somehow doubt Dawkins will see the ‘ironical side’.

And finally, back in leafy north Oxford, is the problem resolved now? ‘It’s better,’ says Mr Fontannaz. ‘It’s not solved, but it is better. My cars are much cleaner.’

What about the other neighbours — have they taken issue with the spikes? ‘Oh no! They’ve been very welcoming indeed.’

Indeed, one resident, who prefers not to be named, summed things up rather neatly. ‘They’re not harming the birds, just putting them off nesting. Anyone who complains has too much time on their hands.’