52.

“SIR! If we swapped the engine in this coach with a Bugatti Veyron would we get there quicker?” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

53.

We’re stopped in traffic by Sherlock Holmes/Beatles museum and some other little fucker has honked because a whiff of parmesan is wafting down the coach — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

54.

Join me next Monday for more LOLS when I’ll be mentally reliving this journey by stapling my bollocks to the lawn using croquet hoops — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

55.

WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP? — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

56.

Fuck off pic.twitter.com/M0dCY7qaXO — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

57.

For fucks bastarding SAKE. pic.twitter.com/sYotZCYWyn — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

58.

Go on a school trip they said. Volunteer they said. IT’LL BE FUN THEY SAID pic.twitter.com/fegyy3dt0J — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

59.

We’re nearly at The Science Museum — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

60.

*waves at Florin Raduciou* pic.twitter.com/YGarVT3dsF — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

61.

We’re still on the coach by Princes Gate — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

62.

Royal Albert Hall. Still on the coach — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

63.

“YES. YES, MICHAEL! WE ARE NEARLY FUCKING THERE NOW!” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

64.

We’ve just parked up and one of my group has been sick. Absolutely textbook — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

65.

We’re off the coach — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

66.

I have seven of these things to look after — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

67.

Nobody needs the toilet now — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

68.

“Is it lunchtime yet?” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

69.

We are IN — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

70.

Jesus CHRIST. Just walked three flights of stairs with 60 ten year olds and it was like being back in The Army — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

71.

KEEP GOING. NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

72.

We have managed to get all the kids to Wonderlab without any dying on the stairs — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

73.

Alternatively, watch time freeze by getting on a fucking coach with sixty 10 year olds pic.twitter.com/nt7YDUVKLR — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

74.

Its absolute carnage inside here — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

75.

Fucks sake. I’ve lost one — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

76.

GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE TWAT — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

77.

Somebody kill me please — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

78.

ITS JUST NOISE AND FUCKERY pic.twitter.com/Azxy8EX63R — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

79.

You can learn a lot at the Science Museum. I’ve learnt that the collective name for a group of ten yearbook olds is a ‘twat-hive’ — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

80.

There’s a group of really posh kids in straw hats here. This won’t end well — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

81.

Updated Ear Piss: I’m hungry

I’m thirsty

If I fell from here would I die?

I forgot my lunch

Sometimes when I poo there’s peanuts in it FML — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

82.

We’ve stopped for lunch. Halfway there. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

83.

The kids that ate their lunches at 8am are all staring at the kids that didn’t like Labradors — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

84.

Straw hat school has little buckle up F&M hampers! Our kids are hoovering up Monster Munch like we’re in some sort of Jamie Oliver asphixiwank nightmare — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

85.

OMG I have been sent to take my seven to the GIFT SHOP — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

86.

Seven ten year olds in a gift shop is like a really shit hybrid version of The Crystal Maze and fucking Die Hard — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

87.

In an added layer of fuckery they all buying slime and putty because of course they are — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

88.

Two of my group in tears because their feet hurt — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

89.

THEY DIDN’T HURT IN THE FUCKING GIFT SHOP — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

90.

I’m not going to lie Twitter. I’m at my breaking threshhold. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

91.

If someone from ISIS ran in here now with a suicide vest I’d run over and cuddle the cunt. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

92.

TAKE ME FIRST — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

93.

Still, at least we have another exhibit and a two hour coach home to look forward to *sideways glance to camera* — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

94.

My own daughter is laughing maniacally whenever I catch her eye — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

95.

She can find somewhere to live when we get home — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

96.

Walking to the coach the unmistakable smell of marijuana drifts over our group — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

97.

I’ve told them its from the Butterfly exhibition at the Natural History Museum — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

98.

“DO BUTTERFLIES SMOKE GANJA THEN SIR?” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

99.

Fuck. My. Actual. LIFE. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

100.

Teachers and Teaching assistants. You have my utmost respect. I have witnessed and experienced a huge amount of fuckery today — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

101.

TEXT FROM WIFE pic.twitter.com/mak5J22ytW — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

102.

WE’RE BACK ON THE COACH — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

103.

I’ll pay £1,000 for anyone to bring me a gingerbread latte pic.twitter.com/E84cPWH4Ao — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

104.

Genuinely thought they’d all be ballbagged and want to go to sleep. Not a chance — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

105.

Multiple parents texting now asking “If the coach will be back in Harlow at 3:30 as planned” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

106.

Just sent “Will it fucking bollocks, we’re still in Knightsbridge” as a reply — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

107.

Updated Ear Piss: My Dad’s been in space

My front bottom is itchy (WTF?)

I’ve run out of drink

I feel sick

Are we nearly home yet?

I’ve left my jumper near the rocket — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

108.

‘My Dad’s been in space’ lols — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

109.

The best thing about today? They learned NOTHING at the science museum. Nothing. It was the educational equivalent of giving a chimpanzee a fucking Macbook Air — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

110.

One of the little fuckers has started a game of “I Spy” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

111.

And 15:29 is the time to mark on your wallcharts for “Coach Vomit Pt.II” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

112.

OH MY GOD ITS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE FLY. GET ME ANOTHER BAG — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

113.

Fuck this. Fuck this whole day. pic.twitter.com/CnaPnQOqHN — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

114.

This last batch of puking has set off some sort of chain reaction and more children are now puking and lots more crying — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

115.

It’s just a coach of vomit, farts and ear piss. The great news is we’ve only made it as far as Cricklewood so I have at least an hour left on the Parmesan Express — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

116.

I’m self-employed. The realisation has hit me that today is actually fucking costing me money to be spewed on — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

117.

Not one of these little spunkers has fallen asleep — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

118.

Finally on the M25 — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

119.

My book remains untouched. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

120.

A repugnant eggy smell has filled the entire coach. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

121.

I’m just praying for a heart attack now. Anything that would render me unconscious — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

122.

“SIR DO YOU HAVE PUBES” — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

123.

That’s it. I’m done — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

124.

I’m never doing this again. I’m shoving my own kid on eBay as soon as we get home — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

125.

I CAN SEE SIGNS FOR THE M11 pic.twitter.com/Yvo9zOkObu — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

126.

We’re coming back into Harlow. Fifteen more minutes of this left — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

127.

Never again. Never, ever again. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

128.

White noise. We’re at the ‘waving at lorry drivers and whooping’ stage — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

129.

We’re back. I made it — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

130.

Thank you all for your support. I couldn’t have done it without you all. — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

131.

I’m fucking framing this. FIN. pic.twitter.com/fXSN72kTyL — Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

And here’s what people made of it online.

I’ve been there many a time . My favourite was when a group of girls lost their minds & had crying and hysterics about 100 yr old stuffed animals . I was about to say FFS very loudly when a dad of daughters rescued me #mumofboys — Saint Disgustine (@Phoenixhollis) 21 May 2018

Read this entire thread (by a field trip chaperone) if you ever thought teachers didn’t deserve to higher pay. — Bonnie (@collagecandy) 21 May 2018

Best thread about school trips ever. Sums up my 35 years of these things — Phil Gundy (@philg42) 21 May 2018

Simon, you're a star. You've just made my day. And as a dad of a twelve year old, I have to ask: what did you think it was going to be like? There's a reason I work 5 days a week, you know. — SNPWatch (@snpwatch) 21 May 2018

You brought a book?! I’m crying laughing at this. Bloody brilliant. — HazyGray (@HazyGray) 21 May 2018

I need a male adult for a KS3 trip to the Rhineland. Leaves 0345, 9/7. 16 hrs to get there. Out on coach every day. 40 kids. You in? — Tim (@tim_nobes) 21 May 2018

Source