If you saw the hilariously offensive ragtop woody wagon Porsche Cayenne when it popped up on the internet a few years ago, you’ve probably repressed the memory. Everyone else, please meet the new star of your nightmares! This fucking thing is real and somebody’s actually letting it run free among other cars.


I don’t know what I did to deserve the karmic punishment of having to see this abomination on my Twitter timeline, but it happened, and now I’m spreading the sickness to the rest of you.

Top Gear did a post on what looks like this exact car back in 2013 and got a quote Al Hanson of Newport Convertible Engineering, the house of depraved scientists responsible for this dark affront to all that’s holy.

“Our chief Engineer has over 30 years of experience designing all types of convertible vehicles that makes him the foremost expert in the field. Before cutting a roof on any vehicle, first we will design a structural body that will keep the integrity and rigidity of the car intact as a convertible vehicle.”


Al, my dude, just because you can, does not mean you should.

A convertible. And a woody. And a fried-egg era Porsche underneath! I just. Can’t even. I can’t think of a car less suited to this treatment. And I don’t mean that the early Cayennes were so special they deserve preservation. But the clash of aesthetics here is so, egregiously, pronounced.

It’s like, so far beyond “so bad it’s good” that I really truly cannot believe somebody signed off on this thing’s creation. And presumably paid a lot!

I guess everybody has the right to their freedom of expression but, I don’t know. Society has rules. I’m pretty sure one of them is “never make a Porsche look like a PT Cruiser.”