Inspired by the latest Freshly Pressed post from The Trombonist’s Mouthpiece, I started thinking about things that irritate me within the classroom on a daily basis. I’ve been a qualified music teacher for seven years now and at times I think I’ve seen and heard it all. I work in a fabulous school with amazing staff and supportive management, but there are still a few occasions where I am still caught off-guard. Most of these are from my own personal experiences or things that my teacher friends have told me over the years.

In the Classroom

1. When your teacher asks a general question to the class, raise your hand with such excitement that you give the impression that you’ll simply die if you don’t give the answer. When selected, respond with “Miss, can I go to the toilet?”

2. Inform your teacher that your parents taxes pay their salary and therefore they should do what you say.

3. Comment on how tired and haggard your teacher is looking. “Are you feeling ill Miss? You look really rough!” is the perfect sort of question to ask.

4. Almost die with shock if your teachers give any hint of a social life outside of school.

5. Click your pen repeatedly while your teacher is talking. If your pen doesn’t have a button on the top, tap your pen on the desk. When they ask you to put it down, look them in the face smile, tap it twice more, then put it down. When asked to stand outside, pretend that you are genuinely baffled about what you did wrong.

6. Correct your teacher if they make the slightest mistake.

7. Ask your female teachers if they’re pregnant.

8. Wait until your teacher is speaking and then yell “Miss!” loudly across the classroom. If she fails to respond to you immediately, continue to yell repeatedly, getting louder as you do so. When asked to wait politely, roll your eyes, tut and proclaim that you “aren’t gonna bother then.”

9. Your teacher sets you homework, which is due to be handed in a week later. When you realise that you’ve forgotten to do it in the next lesson, pretend the reason for you missing the deadline was that you didn’t understand what you had to do, despite seeing your teacher on several occasions in between both lessons.

10. Hand in your work the next day. Ask your teacher later in the afternoon if they have had chance to mark it yet.

11. Be extremely rude and snappy to your teacher because somebody else has upset you earlier in the day. Twenty minutes later, go back to that same teacher to ask for help with something.

12. Knowing that your report is not going to be a favourable one at parents evening, tell your parents an outright lie about a situation involving your teacher. When your mother shouts at the teacher, sit back and smile in the most smug manner that you can imagine. However, when your teacher explains what really happened and your mother believes her and apologises, deny all knowledge of the incident and call your teacher a liar.

13. Assume that your white, 31 year old teacher isn’t familiar with Caribbean swear words. Use them in her lessons. When she overhears you and tells you off, pretend that you don’t understand what they mean. When she rings your mother, deny that you were using them in the first place, instead blaming your friend.

14. In your music lesson, wait until your teacher uses the word ‘blow’ when discussing woodwind and brass instruments and then laugh hysterically for as long as possible, encouraging your friends to join in.

15. Tell your trainee teacher to “shut up.” When your inexperienced teacher responds with “No, you shut up!” have a hissy-fit because ‘he can’t speak to you like that.’

During Trips

16. At every available opportunity, make your teacher aware of how bored you are. At the sight of the nearest FootLocker, nag your teacher constantly to go inside. When they refuse, sulk for the next three hours.

17. Refuse to eat any of the food in the hotel. Instead, consume your entire bodyweight in snacks and sweets in the evening. Later, vomit in your bed. Wake your teacher up at 3am to clean it up, being rude and snappy as she does so.

18. Waste all your spending money on sweets and keyrings during the first two days of the trip. Spend the rest of the trip complaining that you want an ice-cream and haven’t got any money left.

19. Hide a packet of cigarettes under your tshirt and then deny all knowledge of it’s existence, despite the fact that the outline of the box is poking through. Scream, cry and threaten to call the police when asked to hand it over.

20. Your teacher hasn’t visited a place before. The minute you walk into each building ask them, “where’s the toilet?”

21. Wait for the least convenient moment to attempt to be friendly with your teacher. For example, if she is sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, looking out over the spectacular view and contemplating Martin Luther King Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream Speech,’ use this as an opportunity to ask her “Miss, what’s your favourite pizza topping?”

Can anybody add to this?

Image credits: islandcrisis.net and keepcalmandposters.com