You ever made a teacher cry? If you have, we share something in common. I was in grade 8 French class with Madame Smith. I studied French with Madame Smith for 4 years, and I can’t speak a fucking word of French, pardon my French. It’s because I’m stupid, and because we never had a single conversation in French in French class. See, Madame Smith was the gym teacher who filled in for the French teacher FOR FOUR YEARS! Finally, by grade 8, the class was on to her; the reason we don’t speak French in the class, is because Madame Smith couldn’t speak French.

So, one day, I was talking loudly at the back of the classroom, and Madame Smith asked me to be quiet.

“No,” I said, “ferme la bouche.”

“What did you say?” Madame Smith asked.

And the whole class started laughing, because we were sure she didn’t know what it meant. So, the whole class starts pounding their desks, singing, “Ferme la bouche! Ferme la bouche! Ferme la bouche! ferme la bouche!” in unison.

Madame Smith breaks down, crying. “I don’t know what to do with you children!”

“Cry in French!” I yelled.