Snowcast Information Episode Number 1 Season 1 Release Date February 5, 2009 Runtime 50:27 Cast Lewis, Simon, Hannah Characters Zhuang Ji Episode Guide Previous Next Pilot Episode (unreleased) Sipsgate

Snowcast was the first (released) episode of the YoGPoD. It was produced and created by Simon and Lewis, featuring Lewis, Simon, Hannah and Zhuang Ji. The episode was announced on the BlueXephos channel (now called YOGSCAST Lewis and Simon"), accompanied with an animation. The name of the episode is drawn from the fact that during February 2009, the UK experienced an infamous period of heavy snowfall, which resulted in a ceasing of many services and the temporary closure of thousands of schools.

Official Description Edit

"The first episode of the YoGPoD is recorded from snow-in Great Britain during a freezing February afternoon."

Trivia Edit

The released Snowcast was initially meant to be part two of the Snowcast, but part one of the Snowcast (the Pilot Episode) was never released as it was not of high enough quality.

In the unreleased Snowcast, Lewis told a boring, meaningless anecdote which Simon was "older but no wiser" after listening to. Simon also told the Yognau(gh)ts to write on Tina Barrett's Myspace.

You have been warned. There will be casual swearing involved. This transcript is a work in progress. If you would like to assist, please continue the transcription process from the timestamp indicated at the end of the transcript. When you are finished/need to go, please mark the last transcripted word with a timestamp. Thanks!

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Music starts playing

Intro: Hello, and welcome to YOGSCAST.

Lewis: Lomadia, can you say, um... You are listening to the YoGPoD with... Xephos and Honeydew.

Hannah: Does it have to be called YoGPoD?

Music fades out

Lewis: Yes.

Hannah: Hello and welcome to the yog... Oh shit. The YOGS... YoGPoD? Podyog, what was it?

Simon: Brilliant.

Lewis laughs

Lewis: That'll do.

Simon make weird noise

Liner: Simon (on the verge of laughter): You're listening to The YoGPoD!

Simon: Hellos. I'm back. Hope everything is uh... good where... where you are.

Lewis: I'm fine, how was the walk in the snow?

Simon: It was a bit slippery out there, it was, it was scary...

Lewis: Did you have any adventures?

Simon: I just bought lots of stuff to drink. Water, one small bottle of coke...

Simon scoffs

Simon: ...some milkshakes, some Ribena...

Lewis: I'd kinda like to record a snowy... yogscast, I think we should-

Simon: Snowcast.

Lewis: Yeah, Snowcast, oh yeah.

Simon: Snows-gscast. S-Snogscast.

Lewis: Snogscast, that would be something completely different.

Simon: There's like four fucking... threads on the front page of GBS about snow. And of course, everybody's replying 'Ohh, you call that snow, ohh, this only happens once a year where you are, and where we are, ohh... ohh, fuss about nothing, ohh, ehh, ihh, whaaah, wheeeh, waha...'

Lewis: A lot of people just sort of get on with it, don't they? You know, and...

Simon: Snowing, deal with it.

Lewis: ...you know, in Canada and Finland, snow is like part of... you know, their way of life. But, the fact is, that...

Simon: It's part of their culture.

Lewis: In England, we don't actually have any proper facilities to deal with snow, you know? We don't have really any snow trucks that go out and, like, salt the roads and stuff, and keep everything going...

Simon: Because it snows so rarely, we don't have the infrastructure to deal with... snow. On a daily basis... because it doesn't happen on a daily basis. So of course we get caught out.

Lewis: No, it happens about one day every year. Well, we-... I don't know whether we get caught out, as much as... we know it's gonna happen, we just... accept that everything's just gonna shut down for a whole day.

Simon: *laughs slightly* -the inevitability.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: It's cheaper, probably, to just write off, like, three days a year, rather than put all of those millions - or tens of millions - or hundreds of millions - into, you know... shoring up our infrastructure against snow. It's just not fucking worth it. You'd rather just... you know, say "Okay, the entire workforce of England can have the fucking day off, fuck it."

Lewis: I love the fact that like certain old people say... things, when it snows, that like "Yeah, global warming, huhaha" and stuff like this, when global warming doesn't actually mean hotter- well it does mean hotter temperatures, but it... it also means... more extremities. Hotter summers but colder winters, potentially.

Simon: You don't make any sense. You're illogical. You're not thinking this through, are you?

Lewis: No, but global warming-

Simon: You just bought into this... this false misinformation that's being spread around, saying, you know, "Ohh, the world's in trouble, oh, we've got to stop using CFCs and... ohhh"

Lewis: CFCs have pretty much completely stopped being used, by the way, now.

Simon: Not by me. I have to order my deodorant from fucking Iraq, have it shipped over here, it costs me eight pounds a bottle of deodorant, just so that I can stick two fingers up to Brussel. And to Al Gore.

Lewis: Brussel?

Simon: Fuck you, Brussels! Brussels. Sorry, plural. And Al Gores! Plural, again.

Lewis: Brussel sprout. Fuck you, Brussel!

Simon: Fuck you, Russell... Brand! Brussels Brand! And fuck you...

Lewis: Brussel Brand?

Simon: ...Al Gores. Browns Gores.

Lewis: Als Gores.

Simon: What, what's the Al actually short for, is it Allen or Alfred?

Lewis: Albert.

Simon: Or Albert. Albert.

Lewis: I think it's Albert.

Simon: Alberrrt Gorrre!

Lewis: Albuquerque Bore. Gore. Bore?

Simon: Alonso. He's actually Latino.

Lewis: Alonso Bore. He s- Gore. He sounds like a racing driver.

Simon: His surname isn't really Gore, it's Hemeness.

Lewis: What?

Simon: Hemeness. Jiminez. Jiminez.

Lewis: M N S? Marks and Spencer?

Simon: No, Jiminez. But it's pronounced Hemeness.

Lewis: He-me-ness. Why are you saying it so quickly?

Simon (quickly): Hemeness.

Lewis: You s...

Simon: Everybody who speaks Spanish talks quickly. Because they know that other people, who only have the barest grasp of Spanish, won't understand what they're saying when they talk quickly.

Lewis: Yeah but it's probably the same thing with us now: we're talking rather quickly and we probably don't appreciate other people who don't speak English-

Simon: I've got a Chinese guy here, who knows... he, he does, he plays WoW for me and like farms and stuff.

Lewis: Oh, put him on...

Simon: I have him like- Okay, I'll just get him...

Lewis laughs

Zhuang Ji: Herro!

Lewis (laughing): Hello! What's your name?

Zhuang Ji: Uh, may nayme is Zhuang Ji...

Simon: I've gotta be careful actually, there's these people who have a Chinese restaurant, just like, a couple of doors up? They might hear me.

Lewis laughs

Lewis: I don't think that's the most- that's the biggest worry here, bearing in mind I'm putting it on the Internet...

Simon: Oh shit.

Lewis: Zhuang Ji. Can you put him back on again?

Simon: Okay, I'll just go and get him.

footstep sounds

Simon: Can you hear my footsteps as they walk away?

Lewis: Yeah, yeah.

Zhuang Ji: Herro-ho!

Lewis: *laughs* -hello... so you, you're, you're Honeydew's... you work for Honeydew, is that right?

Zhuang Ji: Yeai thait's raight.

Lewis: Do you, uh, what's your, uh, what would you consider your main job, you know, to be? Is it gold farming?

Zhuang Ji: Fluffing.

Lewis: Oh, right, okay. So you're from China originally, have you ever... you know, does it snow in China at all?

Zhuang Ji: Not weally.

Lewis: No-*chuckles*-no?

Simon: I can't do the accent.

Lewis scoffs and laughs

Simon: I can't do the accent, this is terrible. I can't even do the stereotypical, fucking, y'know, old northern comedian Chinese accent. I can't, I can't even do that.

Lewis: What do you mean? That was beautiful. That was perfect.

Zhuang Ji: Not weally.

Simon: I mean, how d'you s... wha.. I... what the fuck?

Lewis: That's fine! That's fine. Uh, can I have um...

Zhuang Ji: Learry. Not leally... really...

Simon: I c... I can't do it.

Zhuang Ji: Herro!

Lewis: Do you perhaps make food? Do, you know, do you make Chinese food? What kind of food?

Zhuang Ji: I... *almost starts laughing* I make fish and chip.

Lewis: I... starts laughing Just... just the one chip.

Zhuang Ji: Fishes and chip, ja...!

Simon: Ja? What's ja?

Lewis: I dunno...

Simon: Where does ja come from, that's German!

Lewis: Ja?? Goodness me. Well, it's been very enjoyable talking to you.

Zhuang Ji: Fhank you verry mach.

Lewis: Would you, could you possibly say goodbye to the viewers of the Yogscast?

Zhuang Ji: Herro!

Lewis: No... goodbye.

Zhuang Ji: Goodblai!

Lewis laughs

Lewis: Oh Gooooooooood...

Simon: Awful. Absolutely awful. Awful.

Lewis: Awful. Awful.

Simon: Awful. I feel embarrassed. I feel ashamed, I feel dirty.

Liner: Simon (on the verge of laughter): You're listening to The YoGPoD!

Lewis: D'you think we could get, um... Shang... Shang Ji, to read out some famous works of fiction?

Simon: Um, only if it's got like a low reading age, 'cos he doesn't know an awful lot of English.

Lewis: What, like Spot the Dog?

Simon: ...so... No, um... was it Green Eggs and Ham that was written using um... less than fifty words... fifty different words of the English language?

Lewis: Uh... what, eggs, green, ham... hat, cat...

Simon: Yeah, I'll just find it on Wikipedia. But I'm fairly certain he made it, as like, you know, like a challenge.

Lewis: Dr. Seuss...

Simon: The vocabulary of the text consists of just fifty different words, of which fif- forty-nine are monosyb... monosyballic. I can't even pronounce that.

Lewis: Mono what?

Simon: I don't know. They've only got one syllable.

Lewis: Can Shang Zi pronounce it?

Zhuang Ji: Momo sybalic.

Simon: No, he can't.

Lewis scoffs and laughs

Lewis: Momo sybalic.

Simon: The fifty words are: a, am, and, anywhere, are, be, boat, box, car, could,

Lewis: Alright, alright, we get the idea.

Simon: dark, do, eat, eggs, fox, goat,

Lewis: Fifty is quite a lot of words!

Simon: good, green, ham, here, house, I, if, in,

Lewis: Stop it.

Simon: let, like, may, me,

Lewis: How long is this book?

Simon: mouse, not, on, or, rain, Sam, say, see, so, thank, that, the,

Lewis: This is quite... like... it's almost like a book already, isn't it? Just reading that out.

Simon (while Lewis is talking): them, there, they, train, tree, try, will, with, would, you.

Simon sighs

Simon: I would not, could not, in a box. / I could not, would not, with a fox. / I will not eat them with a mouse. / I will not eat them in a house. / I will not eat them here or there. / I will not eat them anywhere. / I do not like green eggs and ham. / I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

Lewis: Does that mean Sam I am, as in I am Sam?

Simon: It's like will.i.am, the famous, um... singer and artist...

Lewis: William.

Simon: ...from the Black Eyed Peas. He's-no, he's called will.i.am.

Lewis: So, in the, I mean, when he says 'I do not like them, Sam-I-Am', is Sam-I-Am the person he's talking to, or is it-

Simon: Yeah, Sam-I-Am... Sam-I-Am is called Sam-I-Am, much like will.i.am is called will.i.am.

Lewis: Do you reckon the name William originally came from people saying 'Will I am'? Like William the Conqueror?

Simon: Yes. And in the future, lots of people will be called Samiam.

Lewis: Do you reckon more people will be called like um...

Simon: Lewisiam.

Lewis: Like... Yeah, like Honeydewiam.

Simon: Simoniam. will.i.am.i.am.

Lewis: Craigiam.

Simon: Daveiam. Oh man, off on a tangent here, but... to, to discover that Fallout 3 has a "Republic of Dave", I was so... happy, with that.

Lewis: The Republic of Dave. Goodness...

Simon: The Republic of Dave. With president Dave.

Lewis: That sounds incredible.

Simon: It is. It absolutely is, it's the very northeast of the map, and it's just like a shitty little farm, with like seven people there. And that's his "republic".

Lewis: Don't you have to have a certain amount of people in order to have a republic? Like, a certain amount of people on the senate or whatever?

Simon: I don't know, I asked that cunt Danny Wallace about it. [citation needed, i'm not sure if that's accurate]

Lewis: Who?

Simon: He wrote the "Yes Man" starring Will Carrey. He's a British comedian, he...

Lewis: Jim Carrey.

Simon: He... who did he use to live with?

Lewis: Did you just say "Will Carrey"??

Simon: Jim Carrey. I... Did I say Will Carrey? I'm sorry.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: I've got will-I-am on the brain.

Lewis: will.i.am Carrey. Yes Man, that film that's just come out. I've seen it, it's actually, it was OK. I thought it was quite funny.

Simon: Oh is it? Is it?

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: I mean... Jim Carrey's already starred in a movie where he has to tell the truth for twenty-four hours. And now, he's in a movie where he has to say yes to everything for twenty-four hours - or whatever. What's the next fucking movie he's gonna be in, y'know, every time someone asks him for anal sex, he has to, like, agree with it? Or something. I mean, what a pile of shit...

Lewis: People are saying that it's similar to like Liar Liar, in a kind of many ways. But people are saying that that new one with Brad Pitt in it, that, uh...

Simon: Oh, let, let me guess, he's got like a little son or a little daughter and he's distanced himself, you know, his relationship isn't going so well, because, you know, his career has come first, and so, you know, a magical pixie grants a wish or curses him, or some shit. Ahhhh, it's awful.

Lewis: Uh, no. Uh, what happens is, he, like, j... it's, yeah, basically he gets into a situation where he has to say yes to everything.

Simon: Ugh.

Lewis: And people ask him to do stupid shit.

Simon (over Lewis): And he goes on a journey and he grows as a person, doesn't he.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: He grows as a person.

Lewis: There are some horrible bits. There are some very cringeworthy bits, but it's actually generally... okay. So the other, the other film which I was talking about, was the... Secret...

Simon: Yes.

Lewis: The Strange Life of Benjamin Button or something. The weird...

Simon: Oh right, yeah.

Lewis: Which is basically Forrest Gump. This kid is born who is like old, he's all arthritic and like old and weird. And then he grows up, right, but as he grows up, he sort of becomes younger? Now what I had a problem waf- was, with this story, is that, he was born as like a little baby, but really old baby, and then he grew up, and then he shrank again. Right? Now... I don't have the problem with...

Simon: Right...

Lewis: I don't have the problem with him getting younger - okay, fair enough, he can get younger. But he shouldn't... shrink into like a little kid and then shrink into a baby.

Simon: So when he's born, he's a tiny old man.

Lewis: Yes.

Simon: 'Cos he's just come out of, like, a womb.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: And a vagina. So he's small, he's a small old man.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: And when he's dying, he's a baby, but he's not a big baby, he's shrunk again and he's now a little baby.

Lewis: Yeah. Yeah. He shrinks back into a little baby.

Simon: That doesn't make sense, does it...

Lewis: That's the problem I had. Yeah. He should have been like a massive baby. Like a man-sized baby.

Simon: Mhm...

Lewis: But that wouldn't have like, been the same, would it.

Simon: That's quite scary. That would be terrifying, wouldn't it? A man-sized baby.

Lewis: Yeah, that's... But obviously, they couldn't do that in the film, 'cos that would have been absolutely terrifying and it would have kinda given the wrong message at the end of the film. It's... basically Forrest Gump, redone in another kind of... way.

Simon: Is he an idiot? Is he, you know... a fucking idiot?

Lewis: Yeah, he's like... a struggling kid with like, you know... with like, you know, the leg-braces thing, and then he goes to war...

Simon: Oh God. A disabled...

Lewis: ...and he makes some old war friends, and they get blown up in the war, you know, and exactly the same thing that happens.

Simon: Oh for fuck's sake...

Lewis: And his mum like tells him these things, like, life is... what you make of it... and...

Simon: A box of chocolates.

Lewis: It's just exactly the same.

Simon: Yeah.

Simon chuckles

Lewis: It's sort of a long, love interest that he meets when he's like a kid and he kind of, you know never really gets together with her throughout loads of things, and then, finally gets together with her and then she. They just have to split up, you know because he's getting younger and she's getting older.

Simon: Oh God, she would basically be like a paedophile, wouldn't she. If she was like doing him...

Lewis: That's a big, sort of worry... Yeah...

Simon: ... as a kid. That's a bit, disturbing.

Lewis: Especially, the whole shrinking back down to a beautiful baby part... I mean, ridiculous.

Simon: Awww. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed babe... Gaga goo goo goo, awww...

Lewis: I'm kind of agreeing with like Karl Pilkington on this but children are not beautiful to anyone other than their direct parents... are they?

Simon: And paedophiles.

Lewis and Simon chuckle

Lewis: No, I mean really young children. I mean not children, like babies...

Simon: There's some very ugly babies, *with a Scottish accent* there's some very hairy babies!

Lewis: Was that like some Scottish woman? You know, imparting her words of wisdow there.

Simon: It's from Father Ted! With the milkman. The milkman's goin' 'round and getting all these women pregnant, and they're judging like a bonny baby competition and all the babies have got like, you know, a moustache and big sideburns and stuff, because the milkman has that.

Lewis: Oh, I see... Oh God, that was a good episode, I remember now. Is that the same one with the milk float?

Simon: Yeah!

Lewis: It can't, it can't go... below... five miles an hour or something.

Simon: Yeah, "Speed 3", it's called.

Liner: Simon (on the verge of laughter): You're listening to The YoGPoD!

Lewis: So where were we? We were, I mean this was originally supposed to be about snow and stuff 'cause it's snowing. Hello?

Simon: Hello...

Lewis: Snowing?

Simon: Snow. We've got to talk about snow again, have we?

Lewis: Yeah, yeah. Is there anything you want to say particularly about snow or Shang Ji has to say about snow?

Simon: Why do we make snowmen when it snows and not snowwomen?

Lewis: Well, You'd have to put boobs on a snowwoman.

Simon: Well, that would be quite easy to do. Just sculpt...

Lewis: Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Simon: ...you know, put a couple of snowballs on the front. On the chest.

Lewis: Well, maybe it's just like milkmen, postmen, maybe it's just like that. You know, there's no... There's never been any reason... It's just a genderless expression.

Simon: Sexist.

Lewis: No it doesn't matter... it's not sexist. It's just one of those things which has always been... You know. Like...

Simon: Why isn't it snowperson... It should be a snowperson, it shouldn't be a snowman.

Lewis: Yeah, but it's tradition. You don't say milkpers-. Well, you do say milkperson, post... post... postperson.

Simon: I mean in... A milk... delivery technician.

Lewis: Ahh, the postperson has arrived with my package! You say post...

Simon: Postie.

Lewis: Even though it's... You know...

Simon: Or mailman if you're American. And sexist.

Lewis: Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Simon: Instead of firemen, we have firefighters now. So perhaps, instead of calling them snowmen, we should call them snowfighters.

Lewis: They're not... They're not really fighting though, are they?

Simon: Ahh. D-ahh!

Lewis: They're more like...

Simon: But ahh!

Lewis: If you gave them like a sword...

Simon: No, ahh!

Lewis: If you gave them like a sword and a shield and a gun.

Simon: But you see, ahh. You do not understand, my child.

Lewis sighs

Simon: Ahh!

Lewis: You're confusing me again.

Simon: Ahh!

Lewis laughs

Lewis: Why do you do this? I... Wha... Is this like...

Simon: What Lee and Herring used to do.

Lewis: It's like fat men and fatfighters.

Simon: I'd... I'm not sure about that. I think it's used in a different way. Err... What other fighters are there?

Lewis: Ultimate fighters.

Simon: People who fight... Ultimate fighters, in cages!

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: Hitting each other with planks of wood with barbed wire around!

Lewis: Wearing like a Lycra one-piece.

Simon: Wearing, like, a very small shorts.

Lewis: Yeah...

Simon: Roar! Roar! We should do that!

Lewis: They've got sort of a weird goatee.

Simon: You and I, we should do that, as a YOGSCAST.

Lewis: God, really?

Simon: Ultimate fighting YOGSCAST.

Lewis: What, like, me and you in a cage wearing very small shorts?

Simon: In our pants.

Lewis laughs

Lewis: In our pants?

Simon: Grappling each other.

Lewis: You'd be wearing, like wide ones.

Simon: Wrestling each other to the ground. Urgh.

Lewis laughs

Lewis: That's terrifying!

Simon: It would be quite scary. It would be very scary to watch! Jesus! It would be-. Actually, there's, um...

Lewis: Oh God. It would get a lot of hits on YouTube though. Just for the sheer novelty.

Simon: Ah! Women in Love, the film adaptation of the D. H. Lawrence novel, starring Oliver Reed and Alan Bates and Glenda Jackson as well. Alan Bates and Oliver Reed wrestle each other. Um...

Lewis: It would be like...

Simon: It's ridiculous!

Lewis: ... That scene in Borat in the hotel room.

Simon: It is like that, yeah, basically. It is. It's very... It's homoerotic. It's one of the first mainstream movies to feature full-frontal male nudity.

Lewis: I'ma Borat.

Simon: Ez nice... hi fivee.

Lewis: Niight...

Simon: I think it's a bit late to be doing Borat impressions, I mean...

Lewis: A little bit.

Simon: That was a long time ago, isn't it.

Lewis: Yeah. Yeah.

Simon: I mean I called you on making like Portal references because that was, you know, like eight months... previous. And Borat was fucking ages ago.

Lewis: Yeah. Well I mean at this rate, as well, with the rate of YOGSCAST production, this snow one will be released in like mid-fucking-Summer.

Simon laughs

Simon: Aww, and people - yeah, it will be fine though, for our antipodean friends... in the Australias... our Australis drongos, will be listening and they'll be going, you know, fair doos.

Lewis: Yeah, sipping their Foster's, watching the kangaroos go by in the snow.

Simon: Box, kangaroos box each other, that's what they do.

Lewis: Oh, right. Kangaroo fighting.

Simon: (In Australian accent) What's that, Skippy?

Simon makes eating noises

Simon: Ol' Timmys gone and fallen down a we-

(Simon uncontrollably giggles to himself)

Simon: I'm sorry.

(Lewis laughs)

Simon: Oh my god. Awful.

Lewis: (In Australian accent) Timmy's gone and fallen down the well?

Simon: (Also in Australian accent) Fallen down the well? Crikey!

Lewis: What's that Skip?

Lewis makes eating noises

Lewis: Blimey, that crocodile's got a great bunch of teeth! Shall I play me wobble board? (Laughs) I don't know where I'm going-

Simon: Wobble board?!

Lewis: I c- I don't know, I love the old (indiscernible)

Simon: (In Australian accent) I'll creep up behind him, and stick me thumb up his ass!

Lewis: Yeah, that's South Park.

Simon makes eating noises

Lewis: Wow, look at all these pop culture references firing in, (imitates gun) , from every direction. Jeez. Father Ted, South Park, Rolf Harris, Steve Erwin.

Simon: Well all we- all we do is sit in and watch TV and shit.

Lewis: Oh man.

Simon: So, we- we're kinda forced into talking about popular culture, and film and television, and so on. 'Cause that's all we do. We can't like-

Lewis: Well-

Simon: -tell anecdotes, of like, conversations we've had with people because we don't have them. We don't know anybody-

(Lewis Laughs)

Simon: We don't go- (Laughs)

Lewis: That's 'cause it's snowing outside, we can't go out. We're stuck.

Simon: It hasn't- it hasn't

Lewis: Everythings shut down.

Simon: How long has it been snowing, has it been snowing for like the last, (chuckles) you know, four and a half years.

(Lewis laughs)

Simon: We've got nothing to talk about, because, it's been snowing solidly for four and a half years and we've been trapped inside our houses surrounded by snowdrifts. Our only communication with the outside world is through Yogscast.

Lewis: Can someone-

Simon: Mum?

Lewis: Can someone listening-

Simon: Mum, if you're listening to this mum, (in strained voice) I love you!

Lewis: Um, if you're listening, please send me some cocoa in the mail. The posty, the post f-fighter will bring it.

Simon: (chuckling) Post fighter?

Lewis: Will fight their way through the snow, and bring me hot chocolates, and uhh... tins of things...

Simon: (Imitating Winston Churchill) Eh! We will fight them in the snow! Eh! That's me being Winston Churchill. That's another popular culture-

Lewis: Is it, oh?

Simon: -reference there.

Lewis: Sounded a little bit like a sheep. beehh.

Simon: Beeeh. That was a bit like Melchett, -

Lewis: From Blackadder? [chuckles]

Simon: From Blackadder, yeah. Okay, that's a bit more like it, isn't it.

Lewis: (Imitating Winston Churchill) "We will fight them on the beaches". I don't know, he had a very sort of deep voice, I can't really do it.

Simon: [Imitating Winston Churchill speaking gibbersih]

Lewis: Sort of became a little bit like a farmer at the end, there.

Simon: It did, didn't it, yeah. (Farmer voice) Arrr, those ol' buggers, (indiscernible) bugger in (indiscernible).

Lewis: [laughs]

Simon: I have an uncle, right. I have an uncle who's like, he was born in Gloucestershire, he's lived his whole life in Gloucester, and he's going to die in Golucestershire. And he does literally, he deos literally talk - he's called Bill actually, bill.i.am - he does talk: (Imitating Bill) Like that! And it's, "I'm sorry"? Nobody can understand what he says, he's, he's comlpetely incomprehensible.

Lewis: It's a true sort of British farmer dialect that, you know, I bet he's got sort of a ruddy, sort of shiny face, you know, quite tan, a bit wrinkly, looks about 70.

Simon: He's very wrinkly. I think he's about 80 now, but he's always looked 80, that's the thing.

Lewis: Since he was born like Benjamin Button.

Simon: Yeah, except he hasn't actually gotten younger. Or smaller.

Lewis: [laughs] He's just stayed 80, his whole life.

Simon: I think he just kept growing, he hasn't stopped growing. You know, puberty hit, and it didn't go away. Puberty hit, he turned 80 years old when he was thirteen, and he just kept growing.

Lewis: He went through some spots and stuff. And through a period of like, being rude to his parents, who were long dead.

Simon: [laughs] That was just a weekend. And then once that weekend was over, he just became an 80 year old man.

Lewis: He was just swearing at their graves. "Fuck you, I'm not... ahhh.."

Simon: [Imitating Bill swearing]

Lewis: Oh man. No but old men like that are -

Simon: Lovely. Mmmm.

Lewis: - resilient people, aren't they. [laughs] No! What do you mean? Like a reverse pedophile!

Simon: Aaahh.

Lewis: I'm not saying I love old people, hang on! That's not what I was going to say! Old people like that are just the most, like, hardy, though-as-nails people you will ever meet. You know, they've got like these thick old wirey muscles and they just.. My dad is about 70, okay. One time I came home from work, (indiscernible)

Simon: Whoah, what?? He's 70? What the fuck??

Lewis: Yeah, my dad's pretty old. He's about 70.

Simon: Holy shit.

Lewis: Yeah, he's a player. My mom is quite young. Anyway. Ehhm.. respect.

Simon: Fair play. Your mom is 30.

Lewis: [laughs] I was - I think this was when I was like, living somewhere else and I'd come home, and, it was sort of winter-time like this, you know, it was cold, it was miserable, it was like raining down and stuff. And I came home, and the first thing I saw was like a ladder. Now, you know your dad probably has... everyone's dad has ladder in the garage. Right, which they..

Simon: Yeah, a step-ladder or something.

Lewis: Yeah. Like - no, like a proper ladder, like..

Simon: An extenable ladder.

Lewis: Yeah.

Simon: Like those two ladders stuck together.

Lewis: That's right. It's two ladders stuck together, and it's like, it looks like the most unstable thing in the world. But you know, when it gets put out the full length, you know, you can go on to perhaps... so we've got like this... just a standard detached two-story house, right.

Simon: (In the voice of the ad) I was ACTUALLY given the wrong type of ladder. I fell and hurt me shoulder 'n' 'and. I called Claims Direct and I got 2000 pound.

Lewis: [chuckles] Oh god.

Simon: "I was ACTUALLY given the wrong type of ladder". What does that mean?? I was ACTUALLY given the wrong type of ladder. What a thing to sayyy!

Lewis: I was actually given the wrong type of ladder.

Simon: That's what he says!

Lewis: So I came home, -

Simon: Yeah, sorry.

Lewis: - and my dad was there, on the roof, right. Which is obviously not like a flat roof, it's one of these slanty roofs with tiles on it. And he's like, you know, throwing broken tiles off the roof and like replacing them, you know. Really precariously balanced on top - I mean he's like 70, right.

Simon: So, hang on, what was he doing up on the roof? Was the old world starting to get him down? Were people just too much for him to face?

Lewis: No.

Simon: So climbed all the way to the top of the stairs and all of his cares just drifted right off into space.

Lewis: (sings out of tune) Up on the rooof.

Lewis: Is that how it goes?

Simon: Yes. Except in tune.

Lewis: Thanks. ...Ehm... So he's on the roof, right. And I was like: "Hi dad, what's up? Why are you on the roof?" And he was like: "I'm just doing some maintenance on the tiles". And so, I was like "Oh all right". So I went in, and I was like "Hi mum". She was like "You haven't seen your dad?"

Simon: You heard this crash, [giggles], and this "AAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Lewis: [laughs]

Simon: You saw him, like flash past the window, just..

Lewis: The upstairs bathroom window..

Simon: Oh my god.

Lewis: But the moral of the story is that -

Simon: So was he all right?

Lewis: Yeah. He was fine.

Simon: Did he hurt- did he badgy- did he badgy.. did he badly injure his shoulder and hand?

Lewis: Quite the opposite, I think he was like, you know, better off for it, you know afterwards. You know, he felt like (indiscernible)

Simon: He was better off? What??

Lewis: Well... he's one of these... you know, he's one of these old... the thing is, when you, I think when you get old, it's one of these things that you don't... you kind of misjudge what you're capable of doing, physically, you know. You forget that you can't climb on top of the roof and just do these things, or ride a motorbike, or, you know, walk ten miles or whatever. You just sort of forget, you just assume that you can to it, and... a lot of the time I think you probably can't. But, there's no way you can stop people. It's like being a kid again. You have to kind of let people make their own mistakes. I'm not saying falling off the roof is a good one. And there's no way any of us could have stopped him doing the stuff he does.

Simon: You have to physically hold him back from retrieving his double ladder from the shed.

Lewis: Oh my god, the double ladder. I mean, they are the weirdest things. Have you seen how they work?

Simon: Yes. I am aware of how a double ladder works, yeah.

Lewis: Do you reckon like, a double ladder is one of those, sort of, "qualifications" for being an old man? The day you think "Do you know what I need? I need to go buy a new double ladder". That day, you know that you're an old man.

Simon: I was just, you know, the aerial is a bit dodgy, the satellite dish is a bit dodgy, so I won't call anyone to do it for me.

Lewis: No.

Simon: I'll just go to IKEA, or DH- DHS? What?

Lewis: DHS? Don't they sell sofas?

Simon: I mean, they do, or isn't that DFS? That's DFS... Oh for fuck's-

Lewis: There's always a sale on at DFS.

Simon: Yeah, there's an old joke about the unluckiest person in the world. They went to DFS, and there wasn't a sale on.

Lewis: [laughs] Oh my god. Where were we?

Simon: Can you imagine that? You look at the sofa, and you look at the price tag, and 599 is crossed out, and instead it says 999. And you're like "Oh for f-"

Lewis: [laughs] And you fucking.. and the day you went as well was the day when it was snowing, and it took you ages to get there. And you were like "Ugh..." So anyway-

Simon: "Well I'm here now, I may as well buy a fucking sofa."

Lewis: Yeah yeah yeah... "It will cost me 30 quid in petrol to drive back here next week anyway".

Simon: To save myself 400 pounds. It's just not worth it!

Lewis: So.. so...

Simon: Sorry that I'm eating.This is gonna be horrible for you to edit... [eating food] because I'm eating. Actually, you know what I should do? I should periodically say what time it is as well, that will really fuck you up. Just in mid sentence, I will say what the time is.

Lewis: [laughs]

Simon: So that when you edit it together, it will just be me, saying all these different times hours apart.

Lewis: So you're just gonna say different times as well, are you, as well, like, randomly? It's seven forty-four.

Simon: I would just randomly - half past four - say the time.

Lewis: So you've gone to DFS, you've bought a double ladder, strapped it to the roof of your car. You know, you drive all the way back home, precariously, with this thing hanging off you car.

Simon: You're probably featured on like Police Camera Action.

Lewis: [laughs]

Simon: Narrated by (indiscernible) or whoever.

Lewis: (In a dramatic voice) "Look at this idiot, he's driving with a ladder strapped to his car! Swining wildly across the road, endangering pedestrians. Look here, he (indiscernible) a nearby lamppost!"

Simon: (In a dramatic voice) "Dozens of people could have been killed!"

Lewis: So you get back home, you get your double ladder out, and you like, put it up against the side of your house.

Simon: You're like the happiest person in the world. You're like: "Oh fuck.. I have a double ladder.. I've always wanted one, and now I have it."

Lewis: So you go up on to the roof, and you fiddle with your satellite dish or whatever it is, and then you go back in, and your TV works perfectly. And you sit down, and you have a nice cup of tea, and a shortbread... a shortcake, and you watch like...

Simon: You slip your slippers on... you watch Countdown and Deal or No Deal, with your cup of tea. And then realise, suddenly it hits you: you're an old man, and you've turned int your father.

Lewis: Yeah. Ahh.

Simon: And then you go up into the attic. You take out your grandfather's service revolver.

Lewis: [laughs]

Simon: You load it.

Lewis: What do you mean?? You take your old service revolver..

Simon: You hold it. Hold it against your chin, facing up, and you blow your fucking brains out.

Lewis: What do you mean?! No you don't, you go back downstairs, and you wave it at the kids outside who are like, doing graffiti on your.. on your front fence.

Simon: And the police have the audacity tho come and arrest YOU, you who haven't comitted any crime.

Lewis: Absolutely. Just defending your property against some young-

Simon: Do you know what they do to those kids?

Lewis: Fucking youth of today!

Simon: They take the kids, right? They take the kids to the police station, they give them a warning, it's not even on their permanent record, and then they have to go on a course.

Lewis: [sighs] So what you do is...

Simon: To south America.

Lewis: You go back home.

Simon: Do you know who pays for that? Do you know who pays for that? You and I. Our taxes go to that.

Lewis: You pay for them to go to school, to get an education, you pay for their holidays...

Simon: You know what we should do? We should just like go to the CashPoint withdraw all of our money and just like go to a playground and just hand out money...[chuckles] and then...ask the kids for favors [laughs]

Lewis: And then we'll be arrested again. [laughs]

Simon: [laughing] and get arrested.. and the police have the audacity!

Lewis: [laughing] and they look at you... and you st- and you still got your service revolver.

Simon: [laughing] The police have the audacity, to arrest you for trying to solic- solicit sexual favours from children! They have the audacity to arrest you! I mean what kind of a world is it that we live in?

Lewis: The whole worlds going to dogs.

Simon: You know what, Richard Littlejohn and Jon Gaunt they've got the right idea, y'know they should be... they should elected. They should be Prime Minister.

Lewis: Who?

Simon: Both of them should be joint Prime Minister. Richard Littlejohn and Jon Gaunt

Lewis: Are they conjoined then? Do you reckon conjoined twins could be Prime Minister or would just they have to like just one of them be Prime Minister?

Simon: I think they would die before they... y'know... got to like any high public office.

Lewis: What do you mean?

Simon: In the time that it took them to advance through the ranks of Whitehall. They would be dead.

Lewis: What are you saying? Are you saying that a disabled person could never be, like, Prime Minister?

Simon: No I'm saying that conjoined twins have a low life expectancy-

Lewis: What are you saying?

Simon: -and would die probably in their teens.

Lewis: No they don't. Some of them are quite old!

Simon: There are not very many of them. Like most of them die y'know in childbirth or in the womb.

Lewis: Alright, alright, lets say...um

Simon: So... a lot of them don't even make it to, y'know, childhood. Those that do reach childhood often have lots of complications with their internal organs. Because they're sharing it...

Lewis: Alright, alright, alright lets say- let's say there's like a disability which isn't quite as severe. Right? Like, mental retardation.

Simon: A man- [laughs] Well look at George W. Bush! Oooo! [laughing]

Lewis: Oooo, hoo hoo hoo! [laughs]

Simon: [laughing] Oooooooo, hoo hoo hooo! Oooooo...

Lewis: Oh snap!

Simon: Wow.

[35:56]