ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning, Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020 rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life. “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position, but after spending all this time in Iowa, I’ve realized it’s community and family that count,” said Booker, who revealed he’s taken a position at the local auto parts store, bought a cute little ranch house, and started volunteering at a nursing home. “The air is fresher, the people are nicer, and everyone knows your name. I’ve found peace here. I was working my ass off every day, and for what? To be president of the United States? To pass some immigration plan? That stuff doesn’t matter. I just want a quiet garden and people who love me.” Booker added that while girlfriend Rosario Dawson was thinking about moving in, she was more interested in a place with a little more hustle and bustle like Fort Dodge.

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