Are you tired and run-down? Looking for a new way to bring back that youthful vigor to your old bones? Burned out on pills? Has beer become boring? Even your favorite shows letting you down? Has your dog run away?

I think I may have the solution. It’s still in the beta-phase, so to speak, so you may have to sign up for a “guinea pig” situation, should you want to try it out. I have no expertise in this new type of therapy and have never tried it out myself, so please, go easy on me. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I am, however, on the waiting list, and any day now my clown should be arriving.

That’s right, I said clown.

The concept is, allow yourself to be startled, at unpredictable and irregular intervals throughout the day, by the resident clown. Clowns are finding regular work (i.e. circus, birthday parties, etc) harder and harder to find, so many are scouring the classifieds, as we speak, looking to be hired by individuals as professional Startlers. Some entrepeneurs are coordinating the clowns with the people in need of being startled, but I have heard it’s still pretty much a rogue endeavor, so if you are interested, you may have to track down your own clown.

That being said, what happens once the clown is inside your home is, simply show him where the food is and where he/she can sleep. Yes, you must take your clown in and feed and shelter him, nothing good is free, you nitwit.

Once the clown is properly orientated, take a moment and show him each possible hiding place. This includes all closets, cabinets, showers, and beds. Once the hiding places are established, give him the keys to your car so that he may also hide there.

Now, all you do is sit back, and let the fun begin.

With Startle Therapy, you never know when or where or how the clown will attempt to surprise you. This keeps you alert, and even a bit fearful, at all times, thus alleviating that sluggish, run-down feeling we all find so cumbersome as middle age carries on. You can even ask your clown to wear frightening garb, for example, a friend of mine has a clown working at his home that

wait hold on,

I will have to finish this article later, they are coming now to take me back to my Safe Room. But please stay tuned, because sometimes the blanched asparagus will

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