The other day we came upon an amazing discovery: an underground association of superheroes known as the Affirmative Action Team! Here are the members:

I CONTROL TIME: A tall, black transvestite who can control time. He constantly shouts and is clearly the team leader; whenever they fuck up, he uses his powers to “DO IT AGAIN” until they get it right. Unfortunately, they never do.

4 DIVIDED BY R = DURRR: A mentally-challenged white man with a tendency to put his genitals in spongy objects. Deemed unfit for normal society, the mayor forced 4 DIVIDED BY R = DURRR to join the team so he could be put to good use. However, he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and is basically useless.

PAINTTHINNER: A Native-American young man who takes pleasure in huffing and drinking various chemicals such as paint thinner and Clorox. Paintthinner can typically be found in the custodial or storage room digesting harmful substances. He is remarkable for his round, wide eyes and his blank stare.

Yolanda?: A bee-like girl with a phallic nose and wings. Her vocabulary is limited to “honeeee,” “bzzzz,” and “inoculating loop.” The ruby on her forehead is thought to contain great power, but she either chooses not to use it or is too stupid to figure out how.

Also discovered were their rivals, the BAD GUYS!

I CONTROL SPACE: A Chinese midget with a severe stutter. He is rivals with I CONTROL TIME, with whom he attended school. He is the leader of the Bad Guys and is a mathematical genius, but his stuttering problem and ethnicity keep him from ruling America.

DURRR x R = 4: This upside-down faced man is the rival of 4 DIVIDED BY R = DURRR for an unknown reason. He is huskier than his righteous foe, giving him the advantage of strength. However, he too is far too stupid to put his abilities to use and is more often seen as I CONTROL SPACE’s oaf-like servant.

HUFF N’ STUFF: PAINTTHINNER’S white brother (PAINTTHINNER was adopted). HUFF N’ STUFF always envied his brother’s unique culture and became bitter over the years. He is remarkable for his centric, scrunched face, skinny nose, confused eyes, and, of course, his lust for harmful chemicals.

The Hornet: Yolanda?’s rival, she lost a beauty contest to Yolanda? and vowed revenge. She has a massive hole where her mouth should be, yielding a single row of teeth and a possible portal to oblivion. She wants nothing more than to rip Yolanda?’s ruby from her forehead and claim it as her own. She is a vindictive cunt and will stop at nothing to achieve her goal.