Once punk dudes pass the age of 30, their options become limited. A new generation comes up behind you and you start to feel more out of touch and less invincible than you once did. No longer do you feel the urge to fight the man because you look in the mirror and realize: you have become the man. So to fill the growing void in your life and kick against the creeping sense of irrelevance, you start seeking out new hobbies and interests. Here are your life options if you’re a punk dude passing the big 3-0.

Craft Beer Brewer

You turned your passion for wasting your life away on drinking into a career at a brewery where your beer belly is not “a health concern,” as your doctor described it, but an impressive resume. You have a big brown beard that always has a bit of foam on the moustache and you wear flannel shirts with the sleeves rolled up to let the Lucero tattoos poke out. Every January, you request Halloween weekend off so you can go to Fest. You have recommendations for a seasonal IPA if anyone’s interested.

Enamel Pin Collector

The enamel pin craze has hit you HARD. You will buy them from any band that sells them, even if you don’t really like the band that much. Your denim jacket has just, like, too many pins on it, but they’re great ice breakers at Emo Nite, which you go to every month and is in no way sad. You even started making your own pins and selling them on Etsy. They all feature that brand of nihilistic millennial irony that’s popular right now. One of them is a tombstone that says “RIP emotions” and another is the Grim Reaper saying “don’t @ me” and like, come to think of it, wow, this is worrisome. Are you OK??

Facebook Ranter

Everyone else has moved on to Instagram and Snapchat, but god bless you, you’re hanging in there on the only social network that still lets you send Candy Crush invites, Facebook. You’re using the site for the reason Mark Zuckerberg intended: 500-word screeds about things that grind your gears. Riddled with typos, grammatical errors, and misinformation you heard second-hand, these status updates largely get posted into the void since most of your 287 friends have muted you. Your idea of keeping up with the punk scene is sharing every single Hard Times article and tagging the fellow dudes they apply to. Every meme you post is either all grainy from being reposted a gazillion times or is a horizontal image that you screenshotted vertically. You think this article is “poorly written” but cannot elaborate further.

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