When it comes to conflict resolution, there are many things to consider, and the Buddha had a lot to say about the process. Most of his examples are set within the monastic community, but the concepts can be widely applied.

It seems to me that the first question is whether anyone is listening. Are we listening? Is the other person? If either answer is no, then we would do well to back off and hope that either the person in question will self-correct, or that an opportunity for honest discussion will appear later. Within the monastic community, there is an explicit obligation to observe and correct each other, which is a better starting point than most of us have.

While you are training in concord, with mutual appreciation, without disputing, some monk might commit an offense or a transgression. Now, monks, you should not hurry to reprove him; rather, the person should be examined thus: ‘I shall not be troubled and the other person will not be hurt; for the other person is not given to anger and resentment, he is not firmly attached to his view and he relinquishes easily, and I can make that person emerge from the unwholesome and establish him in the wholesome.’ If such occurs to you, monks, it is proper to speak. (from MN 103, translated by Bhikkhu Bodhi)

The sutta quoted above provides a list of conditions for correcting others. In brief, we can ask ourselves:

Will bringing up this topic upset me? Will it hurt the other person? Is the transgressor generally angry and resentful? Is she known to be stubborn and reluctant to change her mind when given new information? If we point out what we perceive as unwholesome behavior, is the person likely to appreciate it, as helping them to become more aware?

It’s unlikely that these conditions would apply if we felt directly attacked, but we often observe people doing things that unwittingly hurt others or themselves. There’s a sliding scale of friendship that will be an indicator of whether we can speak or not. Those we are closest to will most likely be the ones who will hear us. Mere acquaintance does not give us leave to correct others.

As an example, there’s a member of our local club who is difficult but means well (think autistic spectrum). Many people simply avoid contact as much as possible, but a few of us feel confident enough that he knows we accept him to advise him on how to get along better. These “corrections” are not always welcomed, but if they are offered as friendly advice rather than exasperated ejaculations, they are not resisted, and over time I’ve seen them have some beneficial effect. If we speak to others kindly, they are much more willing to listen.

There are many situations in which we think someone is doing something negative but we just have to hold our peace. We can’t fix the world, but we can look for opportunities to help others reduce their suffering. AND we can make ourselves “easy to admonish”; we can invite our friends to correct us if they think we’re going astray.