Dear Auntie,

This is something that’s been going on most of my life, but it’s gotten a lot more severe the last year. My dad has a very volatile personality and gets very angry very easily, ever since I was little. My mom knows this, and has always discouraged me from telling him anything that could potentially set him off. Usually it would just be little things, like if I got a bad grade in high school, or if she decided to take me to the mall one day for fun instead of doing errands. Little, harmless things. And since I was young, and knew telling my dad would generally result in me getting yelled at, I didn’t question this.

Lately, though, my mom has forbid me from saying virtually anything about my life to my dad. I’m in my junior year of college, and I am not allowed to tell him that (for example) I will be living in a one-bedroom apartment next year (he’ll get angry that I’m being irresponsible about my safety, my mom told me), I have a boyfriend (LW, your father doesn’t care about your friends anyway, my mom says, what is there to gain by telling him you have a boyfriend?), or even that I drive home from college on holidays with my best friend rather than taking the train (he’ll just worry you’ll get lost on the highway, she says. It’s not worth it.).

I have told my mom many times that I am done lying to my dad, that I don’t think it’s healthy, or respectful, or fair. My boyfriend and I are very serious (we’ve been dating over two years), and I’d really like to be able to tell my dad about him. I’m sick of remembering the stories my mom has constructed, the “acceptable” explanations of my life that I’m allowed to tell my dad about. When I bring this up to my mom, her response is just, “LW, can’t you do it for me? If you make him angry, I’m going to have to listen to him rant about you for the next month.”

Is this healthy? Is my mom right, is it not worth it? I just feel so exhausted from the lies. I’m going to be home next week, and I’ve already gotten several emails from my mom informing me of what stories she’s already told my dad, and what things I should remember to say to make them realistic.

For starters, Sparkler, we’re going to need to surgically divide your problem in half, because it’s actually a two-parter. On one side, there’s the part where you’re sick and tired—and rightfully so—of having two lives: The one you’re actually living, and the Dad-specific cover story you have to convincingly fake every time you go home.

And on the other, you’ve got… well, whatever the heck is going on in your parents’ marriage.

And while I don’t mean to be callous, I will be blunt: Only one of these things is your problem.

Because look, if your mother wants to deal with this situation by not-dealing with it in this incredibly unhealthy way, then that’s her prerogative. But she’s not entitled to an accomplice, and the way she’s turned you into one is really terrible, especially when you consider how long it’s been going on. You have the right to your own relationship with your father, and that includes discovering and deciding for yourself whether it’s “worth it” to tell him the truth and deal with a resulting angry reaction. And as much as I sympathize with your mom’s displeasure at having a front-row seat to the rage-a-thon, that doesn’t make it okay for her to manipulate other people’s relationships with your dad just because it’s the easiest way for her to avoid being uncomfortable.

Which is what you can tell her, more or less, when she tries to guilt-trip you into continuing this charade: “I understand that Dad has anger issues, and I’m sorry that you’re first in line for that. I’m not going to presume to tell you to how you should handle your relationship with him, and I won’t tell him about all the times he’s been given false information prior to now. But I’m exhausted by all the lying, and I’m not doing it anymore, and that includes backing you up if you lie to dad about my life in the future. From this moment forward, I’m done.”

That’s step one.

Step two is putting your new policy into practice, which I suggest you do immediately, even if it’s just in some small way—not because it’s so vitally important that your dad know how you’re getting home from college, but because you have a history of threatening to be honest without ever following through. If you’re making this choice, you need to mean it, own it, and live it.

And of course, you need to be prepared for the potential fallout—with both parents, not just your dad.

Because obviously, the tradeoff for taking the reins on your narrative is that you’ll be taking the full weight of your dad’s response to it, which may be extremely difficult and unpleasant. But the total effect of your truth-telling may also be a bit more complicated than you currently realize. It’s only a guess, and I could be wrong, but it’s worth noting how completely your mom’s version of events not only casts your dad as the bad guy, but ensures that all the information you and Dad receive about each other goes through her, first. She essentially controls the entire narrative of your relationship with each other, and I’ll be honest, Sparkler: that’s a pretty remarkable feat of manipulation, and one a bit too thoroughly-managed to be just an unintended byproduct of the desire to protect you. It makes me wonder whether you’re the only one whose life is getting put through a spin cycle, here, and why—and it shouldn’t shock you if you happen to discover that the story your mom has been telling you about your dad all these years isn’t entirely accurate.

Either way, you can safely assume that choosing not to lie to your dad will usher in a new set of challenges, and that it’ll take some time and effort to figure out how to have a productive relationship with both of your parents in the aftermath. But compared to the soul-sucking spiral of having to hide your life and keep your mom’s lies straight, it’ll probably be downright refreshing—and unlike all the lying, the work you do to set some healthy boundaries will ultimately find you in a good place. Best of luck.

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