Sometimes, reconciling your politics with your personal beliefs can get a little tricky. And that’s exactly what poor Jacob Aberdeen is experiencing right now: This white, conservative anti-abortion man is being forced to pretend he values all life, even the Black kind!

“To me, all life is sacred and valuable, even unborn life,” said Jacob. “That’s why I believe that any woman who gets pregnant should carry their baby to term. Even the…even the African-American ones.”

Jacob, who moved houses when a black family became his neighbors, went on to explain just how much he cares about every life.

“Every child has potential, so it’s crucial that every child gets a chance,” said Jacob, who frequently calls the cops on Black teenagers for existing near him. “And even though some of those babies are more likely to become thugs than others, they still deserve a chance.”

Wow, we’re truly amazed this brave man is willing to hide his racism if it means he gets to erode women’s rights!

“He pretty obviously doesn’t like Black people,” said Conrad Dewey-Lingon, Jacob’s neighbor. “I’ve seen him ask a black woman, clearly dressed in a mailman uniform, what she was doing in our cul-de-sac. Now he cares about the plight of black babies?”

“Jacob has said racist things about Black people to my face,” added coworker Rita O’Connor. “But suddenly he’s all ‘Planned Parenthood was created to kill black babies and we need to stop them.’ He seems like he’s really torn about which of his bigoted agendas he wants to spout.”

And believe us, he is!

“Look, I don’t think anyone should be able to get an abortion,” said Jacob. “It’s wrong. I wouldn’t even let my daughter get one!”

“Unless maybe the father was black,” he added, slipping up and saying the quiet part out loud.