Survivor Ghost Island has arrived! Every week, Parade’s Mike Bloom will bring you interviews with the castaway most recently voted off of the island.

“There are a lot of ways to look at what strength is in this game.”

These words, spoken by Kellyn Bechtold at the Malolo tribe’s fourth Tribal Council, brought up a sense of deja vu for Stephanie Johnson. After all, she was sitting in these stools eleven days earlier, making the same argument that helped contribute to Stephanie Gonzalez becoming the season’s first boot. Unfortunately, it seems the uttering of that sentiment seems to doom anyone named Stephanie, as the words from Johnson’s first Tribal Council became words to remember at her last. After getting into a position of power on Malolo initially, the tribe swap on Day 7 suddenly found her on the outside looking in, and she became an easy target for the former Naviti majority after losing their fourth challenge in a row.

Stephanie came into the game with a smile as bright as the colors she was wearing, hoping she could add “Survivor winner” to her extensive résumé, which included track wear designer, writer and meditation coach. The runner started off on a good foot toward that goal, quickly making bonds on Malolo. When they lost the first Immunity Challenge, and common target Jacob Derwin was off wandering the wilds of Ghost Island, the focus began to turn on apparent weak link Donathan Hurley. But Stephanie found a place in her game for the Kentucky caretaker, which she couldn’t say about her fellow namesake. She was able to successfully turn the rest of Malolo onto Gonzalez for her untrustworthiness in a unanimous vote. In losing a threat, she seemed to gain an ally, as Jacob confided in his fellow superfan coming back to camp that the idol he presented was fraudulent, and he received the Legacy Advantage during his exile. Stephanie now felt like the bell of the ball (quite literally, as part of the “Beauty and the Beast” alliance with Jacob), but she still chose to side with the majority and end the music teacher’s Survivor symphony after a week in the game.

Stephanie mused last episode that she believes “everything happens for a reason,” and it’s safe to say that was running through her head as one buff draw kept her on the same beach, but under many different circumstances. She suddenly went from powerful to powerless, with her and former Malolos Jenna Bowman, Brendan Shapiro and Michael Yerger now outnumbered at their own camp 5-4. With new tribe members like Bradley Kleihege not dishing any dirt on his allies (though not holding back from dishing on the dirt that made up the Malolo beach), she scrawled “HOPE” in the sand in an effort to stay inspired against the odds. Hope helped her cope, but Michael’s acquiring of a hidden immunity idol sent her into ecstatic tears. The real estate agent tried to talk up the value of the idol at Tribal Council, claiming he would use it to save two of them, while Stephanie led the charge of throwing Bradley under the bus. Though she got saved by the idol after Michael chose to play it on her, their alliance was anything but safe, as the Navitis pulled their own move by sending gym teacher Brendan to do some laps at Ponderosa. With the one wild card now out of their deck, the Malolos’ Survivor chip stacks were getting increasingly short. When an opportunity presented itself, like Stephanie getting to go to Ghost Island by random draw, it got pulled away from her like a boogie board from Chelsea Townsend when she did not get a chance to play a game for an advantage. As the hours winnowed down to Tribal Council, the stakes got increasingly emotional for Stephanie, Michael and Jenna, as they knew their chances of living out their dream were in the hands of five people they had only met a week ago. Carefully weighing their options, the majority felt Stephanie’s strategic acumen made her too powerful to keep afloat and promptly cut her loose, in a unanimous vote that once again echoed a moment when she saw another Stephanie’s aspirations get crushed.

Now out of the game, Stephanie talks with me about what tipped her off that she would be the target, what she credits to making so many close bonds, and how an epiphany on Ghost Island changed her point of view as a mother.

It’s great to talk to you! Obviously, it was an emotional night at the time, so I can’t imagine what it was like to relive that in the episode last night.

Gosh! I wasn’t prepared for how heartwrenching it was going to be. Not even with my story, it was sob story after sob story. I couldn’t stop crying! The whole episode, I was just bawling my eyes out.

So that being said, you had a devastated reaction at the time, putting your head in your hands when your name started to come up with the votes. Of the three Malolos, what percent chance did you think it was going to be you who was going home?

One hundred percent. I think you keep this 0.0001 percent chance of hope alive, but I knew it was me going in. You know it’s you, but you’re still fighting at Tribal Council. They said it over and over in this game, “It’s not over ’til it’s over.” Then I saw my name, and you saw my physical reaction. That’s when I knew it was over; that’s when it finally came crashing down for me. I don’t remember Jeff reading the names; I don’t remember Kellyn and Jenna crying, I don’t even remember turning around to say goodbye. It was not an easy thing to ever prepare for, and it’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there. Even if you know, it’s still one of the biggest shocks that you’re ever going to have

Why did you vote against Desiree? Was there a plan you and the other Malolos had made?

No, I knew it was just a random vote. Des and I never really connected at all during the game. After the Tribal where Brendan was voted out, she called me out and was like, “Dang! That’s a side of you I’ve never seen before.” Because I was fighting so hard and calling everybody out. It was just a random vote that I threw out there. In hindsight, it could have gone to anybody. I guess there’s a part of me that was still trying to stay loyal to Michael and Jenna, which sounds ridiculous. I told Bradley that I wasn’t going to vote for him. So if by chance the vote went a different way, I wanted him to see that I didn’t vote for him.

On that note of loyalty, did you feel any resentment when you saw that Jenna and Michael had voted against you?

I had a feeling that they were going to. I came back to camp after we lost immunity and I immediately pulled them aside because I had a few ideas of things we could try to pull off. But Jenna wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and that was a huge indicator to me. And Michael was just dilly-dallying. He was like, “Eh, I don’t know, maybe we can do something. But I just have a feeling it’s gonna be one of us.” And from what you’ve seen, Michael’s a player; he’s not there to roll over and die! So for him to say that he’s basically going to roll over and die, I was like, “Eh, screw you guys. You guys are plotting something else. I’m on my own.” They had that whole 24 hours while I was at Ghost Island to bond and plot something, and I didn’t have that. They had this huge advantage going into that Tribal.

In one of the secret scenes this week, you talked about how, to save yourself, you had to choose between calm (relying on your social skills) or chaos (looking for an idol). What made you decide the former, and do you think it was the right decision looking back?

Yes, because in that tribe, chaos wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I still was looking for an idol; I just didn’t get crazy about it, throwing things in fires and being a crazy person. I thought the relationships that I had with Kellyn, Bradley and Chelsea was going to be my best shot since I couldn’t find an idol. Being calm and trying to relate to them on a personal level and try to get them to root for me was going to be the best option. I still stand by that. I don’t think chaos would have been any different. There’s nothing that could have done except make everybody hate me.

Does that tie into the Ghost Island element? You got to see Jacob come back from Ghost Island and fabricate finding an idol there. Was there any part of you thinking that you could do the same thing and manufacture an advantage to keep yourself safe for a couple of days?

Yes, I did think about this. I didn’t realize going into that I wasn’t going to get to play. From my vantage point, Jacob got to play a game. I didn’t see Donathan and Chris get to play, so for all I knew they got advantages. And then I got to see Kellyn, and she got to play a game but chose not to. So going to Ghost Island, so I thought 100% I got to play the game and [I was going] to take the gamble. I either go out burning, or I go out swinging. But then I get this “no game played” [note], and I’m in shock because I didn’t even realize that was a thing. So the rest of the time I’m there, I’m like, “Now what?! I can’t talk to anybody.” So I start strategizing different things in my head, different options. As I said, then I go back after we lose immunity and I try to talk to Michael and Jenna. But they’re so complacent that I already knew they had talked to the other side, worked something out to keep them safe. There’s not much I can do at that point because everything I [wanted to do] I would need extra votes for. Like a “steal a vote” or an additional vote, I would need their votes as well.

The problem with making fake idols this season is that every idol is a past season’s idol. So it’s not like I can make [James Clement’s] idol. I would have had to think of some past player’s idol and replicate it to a tee. I’m not playing with idiots over there; there are some massive superfans. To pull anything over Bradley and Kellyn, it would have had to be a perfect fake idol. It’s hard to pull it off this season!

You couldn’t have pulled off of one of Sebastian’s dreads and made a “dread idol” and claimed it was from season 12?

I was thinking about doing that. But then I was thinking he may wake up in the middle of the night with me standing with a machete at his head, and he might get the wrong idea.

[Laughs]That would definitely be more crazy than calm! Speaking of those Ghost Island artifacts, Jacob told you about this Legacy Advantage that he found out there. Did you tell anyone else about that?

I was the only person who knew. I thought about possibly telling Bradley or Kellyn because they’re the power couple and the ringleaders. So any time that I needed to talk strategy, it was to Bradley or Kellyn. I was thinking of telling them, “I’ve got this information, and you guys may want it.” But when I got back, and I realized that I was this lone soldier and Michael and Jenna had flipped, I was kind of like, “Screw it! You guys don’t get to know this. This is going to die with me.” It was kind of my last little “stick it to ya.” “Fine, you won’t get to know my information. You don’t even know I have information!” So I decided not to share it to be a little snarky. It was my one power move as they were voting me out.

Well, information is power in this game. Let’s rewind to the very beginning of the game. From what we were shown in the first episode, you were the one leading the charge to turn the vote away from Donathan and onto Gonzalez. Was that accurate to what happened?

Absolutely. Look, Gonzalez is a fighter; she is one of my best friends now. I don’t think [the editors] even gave her justice with how much she fought. I knew Libby and Jenna were working with me, and I knew Laurel would come in. I just mentioned to her one time at the well, “Would you ever consider working with girls?” and she said, “No. Absolutely not, I’m not into it.” At that point, I feel like I gave away a little bit of strategy to her, and she denied me. I needed her out before she could spread that around. So I did everything I could to get the votes on her. Donathan was with us, so I never wanted to see him go home. The only reason I wanted Steph out was that she was so strong and strategic, and because of that one conversation where I felt I could never fully trust her.

You’ve just talked about some of the relationships you built in the first few days, and you mentioned before about your bonds with Kellyn, Bradley, and Chelsea. I talked with Brendan last week, and he said he got close to you. Was there a part of your personality that allowed you to make so many close bonds so quickly?

Honestly, I think it’s life experience. I’m one of the “old people” at this point in the [show]. Because now apparently you’re over 30 and you’re geriatric.

Yeah, 30’s the middle age on Survivor nowadays.

Exactly! Since I’m in my “middle age,” I have a lot of experience. I’ve worked with all different types of people. I travel a lot and meet people from all over the world, so I got to know different personality types. One thing I made sure to do from the very beginning was to figure out who the person I was talking to reminded me of at home, and then talk to them like I would talk to that person. So, Jacob [for example]. [What you saw] wasn’t the only conversation Jacob and I had. I had caught Jacob pouring the rice into the sock. And my first reaction was, “Is there something in there? Because if there is, I want to know.” And we he said there wasn’t, I was like, “You better clean that [expletive] up before people get back!” Jacob and I had a lot of conversations, and I knew how to relate to him because he reminded me of my brother. I just can relate to a lot of people because I have a lot of life experience. I’ve lived a lot of life for just 35 years.

Let’s drill down into some of these relationships. It’s safe to say that Jenna was your closest ally up to the point you left. In fact, some Malolos have told me in exit interviews that you helped save her after she was on the chopping block in the first vote. Talk to me about how you got along with her.

Jenna was my Day 1, Hour 1, Minute 1. Our eyes locked and it was like, “We’re tight, we’re solid.” From the first day, we were completely solid. [Targeting] Jenna was something that I wasn’t aware of, but it wouldn’t have happened. There was no way that Libby was going to vote out Jenna. Donathan wasn’t going to vote out Jenna. I never saw that as any threat, because we had such a strong alliance that were pro-getting Steph out instead. Jenna and I worked together all the time. 90 percent of the [expletive] we said couldn’t even be aired because we have the same vulgar sense of humor. We had so much fun out there. We looked for idols together; we went for walks on the beach. We plotted Bradley’s demise and tried to poison him until we realized we probably shouldn’t. She was my girl! She was like a little sister that I never had.

In your respective trips to Ghost Island, you and Kellyn both talk about your similar life experiences. You both go through divorces around the same time as you have these other life changes. For you, leaving the Mormon church; for her, changing careers. Was that something you ever connected with her about?

Absolutely. They didn’t show it, but during the sunrise that Bradley hated–because he hates sunrises now [laughs]–Kellyn and I were really tight. She was my soul sister out there. We had a lot of very intimate personal conversations, and we were really, really close. We have very similar experiences, and I see a lot of myself in Kellyn of where I was five years ago. So I was able to relate to her and what she was going through and empathize and understand who she is. I think that’s why she was crying when I was voted out because we shared that special bond.

On the other side of that Naviti coin, you have Bradley. You just mentioned that you even considered poisoning him, and in the Tribal Council where Brendan, you were very vocal about his whining. But then after that, you have to come to him with hat in hand to offer your loyalty to stay safe. What was the course of your relationship with him like?

It’s funny; my relationship with Bradley is very complicated. Initially, I thought he was like the Devil. I hated the sight of him. Like I said, I wanted him to get poisoned and medevaced because I couldn’t stand looking at him anymore. He just complained about everything. He even complained that the bamboo at Naviti was straighter than the bamboo at our camp. It was just ridiculous. The thing with Bradley that you don’t see is that when I didn’t hate him, we actually had a lot of really good conversations. He opened up to me about a lot of personal things. So we made this really strong personal bond out there, and that’s why you see us talking. But then every time the game would get involved in that conversation, I wanted to strangle him because he was such an arrogant little [expletive]; he wouldn’t budge. He’d be like, “We’ll see…” It drove me insane, and that’s what would spark [the hate]. But at the same time, we would go and have these great conversations. It was such a love/hate [thing]; I hate you, but I like you as a human, but I can’t stand you as well! It’s a real push/pull with Bradley.

In your Day After video, you talked about your main three takeaways from your time on Survivor. The one that stuck with me was your second one: “I’m a mom.” The past couple of episodes, you talked about how the only thing you were worried about was disappointing your kids. But you describe this epiphany you have out on Ghost Island about how you realized you were “enough” as a parent. Can you elaborate on that life lesson that you took into your family coming out of the game?

It was a pivotal moment in my life. It didn’t get shown on Ghost Island; I haven’t sat and talked with anybody about it yet. I was sitting there, and I was crying in the sand because that’s what I do on this show…

You’re not the only one, to be fair!

[Laughs] This is true, apparently! I saw two little shells swept up while I was sitting there. It was an odd feeling, but I really felt connected to my kids at that moment. I’ve always struggled with being enough and in my personal life, being enough as a human being. I’ve overcome a lot, but the last portion of being enough is being enough for my kids. I sat there and pondered, “Is the reason that I do all this crazy ass [expletive] that I do is to impress my kids and get their approval? Why am I trying to seek my kids’ approval?” Every parent wants [their kids] to be proud of them. But I think especially as a single mom, I feel such a responsibility to them. I was just sitting there, and this wave of emotion came over me. I just had the feeling of, “No, you are enough. They love you! They don’t care, and it’s OK. They will love you no matter what you do. You don’t need to do grandiose things because they think just going out and drawing on the driveway with chalk is enough. You are a good enough mom because you’re their mom.” I’m exactly what they need, and that’s enough.