Berkeley, California:

Although many of us have long suspected that regressive, conservative BIGOTS are far more likely to be “anti-science” than other members of society, science has definitely proven our preconceived belief!

In a recent study among students on Berkeley’s campus, the majority of students from 71 out of 73 different genders surveyed ALL scientifically stated that they scientifically believed conservatives to be, by-far, the most “anti-science” individuals in society. We all know what that means…the science is SETTLED!

According to sources familiar with his thinking, Bill Nye, the BS in Mechanical Engineering Guy, (“Bill Nye the BS Guy” – for short) began to weep tears of joy as he carefully peer- reviewed the extensive and highly-scientific survey. He allegedly then mumbled something about “sex junk” being “so much more than either or-or.” Science is truly hard to understand at times.

When asked what the results of the highly-scientific survey will mean for academia from hereon, the researchers said that it was important for the scientific to make sure there was a consensus on the topic by mocking and humiliating anyone who held different opinions on the issue. “Science isn’t about evidence or facts,” they explained, “It’s about twisting the arms of people – people of ALL genders – until you reach a consensus that makes everyone feel warm inside.”