If death rays are outlawed, then only lawless Martians will have death rays

My Right to Keep & Bear a Death Ray

Taking those who believe in a Second Amendment without limitations to their logical conclusion

Look, I’m glad you support my right to bear small arms. That’s awfully swell of you. But the Bill of Rights puts no such weaselly little adjectives in front of “arms,” OK? It’s already practically impossible to get your hands on an automatic weapon here under the Stars and Bars. A bazooka? Fuggedaboudit. And now I see you all eyeballing semi-automatic weapons as if they’re any more capable of the wholesale dispatching of human lives than a baseball bat or a kitchen knife. So it’s time for me to speak up in defense of my death ray.

You needn’t worry, I plan on keeping it at home. Most of the time. Probably affixed to the front porch. May use it to zap the odd mosquito or two. But I do reserve my God-given right to tote my death ray in public from time to time. For “open carry” walks, for example. But merely to establish my right to bear my death ray. So if I show up to your church or school or local Starbucks pulling my mighty death ray behind me, there is no cause for fear! (Honestly, if you’re afraid, harden up a little. You’re getting a little wussy. I’m being as polite as I possibly can be right now.)

No, I promise not to engage my death ray in public. Unless I see some librul anti-death ray propaganda pasted up or something: Then I might just flick it on for a sec to vaporize said commie propaganda.

But you’ll be glad I’ve got my death ray if our Martian enemies choose that moment to strike America. Then you’ll cheer me on as I turn their little green bodies into astro dust. Or. OR! (Because there are many different scenarios.) If chief Nazi socialist Kenyan-in-chief Obama(nation) chooses to roll out his death camps at that moment or impose martial law, then you’ll be happy for my death ray as I employ it against the hordes of incoming jack-booted troops and black helicopters and etcetera. Unless you’re on the Chief Instigator’s side. Then, sadly, you’ll be subject to my death ray. I’m a well-regulated militia of one.

Look, I know you say you’re OK with people owning and bearing small arms. You’re cool with some people having access to heavier arms, given some restrictions. But do you think I’m so stupid I don’t a recognize a slippery slope, when I see it? That’s like when you legalize mary jane and the next thing you know your grandmother’s cooking meth on her Kenmore Cooktop. Or you legalize marriage between two dudes and the next thing you know two farmers are marrying a goat. First, they came for my death ray and I said nothing. Then a few other things happen with weapons of various sizes and deadliness. And finally they come to pry your .22 from your cold dead hands and start eyeing your Daisy Red Ryder with suspicion.

Besides, I’m a law-abiding citizen. Why should I be punished because other folks don’t have my precision death ray wielding skills? We don’t outlaw cars and they kill people. Loads. Imagine if you tried to regulate our right to drive? I mean, aside from having to wear seat belts and get a driver’s license and keep the speed limit and drive a road-worthy vehicle and be of a certain age and being limited to only driving certain vehicles and being in reasonable control of your mental faculties. Aside from that, you regulate driving and you’re going to piss off real Americans!

Anyhow, if you outlaw death rays, then people are just going to pick up a baseball bat or a machete or a knife or a pong pong paddle and kill people. Or one person. Maybe. At a time.

I know you have plenty of other “helpful” suggestions: Put a lock on it? Don’t be ridiculous. I may need instant access to my death ray’s skeleton-evaporating power at any moment! Require psychological exams and permits? Those are barriers of the devil, put in place to prevent patriotic Americans from properly embracing the Second Amendment and defending themselves. If I can’t possibly trust our decrepit government to pave the roads and put out fires and police our streets and school my children and defend our borders, why should I trust them to distribute gun licenses fairly and judiciously?

I can’t imagine any reasonable solutions to gun violence, so clearly there are none.

What’s that you say? The Founders may not have had an atom-splitting, skull-shattering device capable of mowing down scores of souls in a single sweep in mind when they wrote the Bill of Rights? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the tympani-shredding screech of my awe-inspiring, village-vaporizing, Constitutionally-mandated death ray!

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