Dear Verizon & Friends,

Stephanie Yuhas here.

Attached is the police report from my identity theft. This is in addition to the two forms of ID, credit report, and stool sample you requested in your previous letter.



I’m doing this because over a dozen of your agents have called to ask:



1-If Stephanie Jackson was my alias.

2-If at some point my last name was Jackson and I forgot.

3-I was perhaps married to someone at one point with the last name Jackson and also forgot.

4-If bought a Verizon cell phone in Texas and then forgot about that.

I would like to officially put my answers to these questions in writing, for your super-official documents so your kind agents can stop calling me at the butt-crack of dawn.

1-I have no alias because I am not an international spy. Should I become an international spy in the future, I will go with the name Flip Buttkick. No, wait, Skulls McCrackin. No, wait…You know what, I’ll let you know when I’ve decided so you can update your super-accurate files.



2-The movie “Memento” was not based on my life. And if I do get that weird amnesia disease, the only tattoo I’m going to get on my hand is “Don’t get Verizon.”



3-I have never been in a state of intoxication to marry anyone and then forget that I married them. Besides, weddings are expensive, so if I did do that, I probably would have seen the bill for a dress/ceremony/assorted shrimp platter. Or at least a 99 cent iTunes purchase for “Sorry, Miss Jackson,” because I think you legally need to own that song if you are marrying anyone with the last name Jackson.

4-I have never been to Texas because I have an irrational fear of cacti, and I would never open a Verizon Mobile account because GoogleFi is better. Here’s my affiliate code if you want to join a better network and also get $20 off your first bill.



I truly hope you find whoever this Stephanie Jackson person is. Should I ever meet anyone named Stephanie Jackson, I will be sure to slap her in the face with a large, raw fish for causing you all of this trouble. Of course, I might be slapping the wrong Stephanie Jackson, but hey, you’ve gotta punish people for wrongdoing, right? Come to think of it, I should learn from you and slap anyone named Stephanie in the face with a fish and accuse them of being named Stephanie Jackson. Only then will the real Stephanie Jackson come forward. To be fair, I’ll fish-slap myself first to get the ball rolling. Yes, yes, this sounds like a reasonable solution that is in line with your corporate policy.

Speaking of your corporate policy, I especially appreciate how whenever I call Verizon’s customer service, ping Verizon’s Twitter, and send out miscellaneous V-Shaped smoke signals in Verizon’s general direction, your agents refuse to give me the account number, phone number, or any other information because they know that I am not Stephanie Jackson.

They would like me to pay for this $1200 bill, but they are also committed to protecting *her* private information. Hold on a second. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Phew, that’s a good one. I’m getting junk mail in her name, too, from when you so graciously sold *her* information to your logical corporate “partners.” I’m sure Stephanie Jackson would love to buy expensive frilly underwear to match her fraudulent cell phone. Just put the panties on my tab, aka, i.e., social security number, along with all of those raw slapping fish I need to buy.

I hope none of this fish-related violence offends you. For all I know, you might be a vegan. Or vegetarian. Or a fish. This might be a P.O. Box under the sea, I don’t freaking know. But if you are offended and would like to get rid of me, or if you are a reasonable human/human-fish hybrid, could you kindly remove Ms. Jackson’s account from my otherwise spotless credit report? Otherwise, the next letter you receive will be from my attorney. She has a crapload of fancy diplomas, which gives her the legal authority to be super mean and collect large settlements from folks just like you. And she bites. Not in a sexy way, in an Ozzy Osbourne/Mike Tyson kind of way. So for your benefit, I think it would be best if we wrapped this up here, okie dokie?

XOXO!



Stephanie “Never Been a Jackson Even Though I Know the Steps to ‘Thriller’” Yuhas



PS: Putting this on my blog in case Stephanie Jackson Googles herself. I’ll delete this once you pay your phone bill, girl. Get your shit together. <3

Photo of Screaming Parrot to Illustrate My Emotions by Klaas Vaak