Following several nights of violence and riots across the United States in response to the death of George Floyd US police departments are said to be considering radical changes to the way they murder black members of the public.

The scheme called “Close Your Eyes And Count to Five” has been successfully trialled in Louisiana and has seen a dramatic reduction in the number of black pedestrians murdered by trigger happy police officers;

“It sure was getting expensive” Detective Lou Tennant from Lafayette told us. “If you’re on an eight hour shift and you shoot a black motorist every hour and you have to pay for all the hand guns you plant on them and it sure adds up. Those things are not cheap!”

The scheme is designed to give black men a running chance and involves officers drawing their weapons and giving the suspect a count of five to put a little distance between themselves and the gunman, sorry, we mean officer.

“It’s important you do it right though.” Lou continued, ” You have to count to five real slow. Like this; ONE Mississippi! TWO Mississippi! THREE Mississippi! FOUR Mississippi! FIVE Mississippi! Hey Larry, hear that. I got to five first go.”

The plan was originally titled “Don’t Shoot Them Please Count to Ten” but was adjusted to five after several Southern law enforcement agencies revealed they didn’t have enough budget to teach all of their murderers how to count beyond seven.