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Inflatable Christmas ornaments, the millennial wealth gap, suicide threats, Chris the Kiwi gets laid and petitions Trump for amnesty and financial aid, DMT vs. God, Fatsmas Caroles gets flagged, fist bumps are the soy high-fives, Sean looks terrible, awful children who wrecked my parents house, I ruined the Mandalorian for everyone, and rebooting The Biggest Problem with Boogie2988; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The Christmas album of the year, featuring dozens of talented artists like the Cuck Sockers, Dame Pesos, Ethan Ralph, and many more. The album that celebrates the annual Dick Show Christmas tradition of getting a hate-filled, venom-soaked, invective set to holiday tunes into the Billboard charts and thusly into the Library of Congress to live for eternity…has been flagged.

Who would do such a thing? Who I ask you? What kind of sick individual would be capable of committing such a heinous and malicious act in secret like that? Flagging the hard work of these talented artists when they are at the moment of their triumph and robbing from them what is rightfully their earned place in history? I’m sure I don’t know, but if you’re interested in listening to this album, and downloading this album, and buying it for your friends and family, check it out at Fatsmas.fun.



Hey and while you’re at it, check out these Boss limited edition Dick Show hoodies. They won’t ship before Christmas, but they will ship before January. Very limited, very comfy!



And I have even more to sell you! But first…

It’s time to ban porn!

Look, I don’t know if it’s the holiday season, the season where women typically get emergency boyfriends to keep their cold blood warm until it thaws in the spring; and men typically get bored, and get buyer’s remorse, and get disapproving looks from mom when they bring home a seasonal bang slut. Tough titties, Mom! If you ain’t suckin this dick, you don’t get to pick! Use it.

Like I said, I don’t know why it’s happening, but now is the time. It’s time to ban porn!

Don’t believe me? Look to the left. Now look to the right. All of that is a society that we live in, and all of that will be gone if the scourge of porn continues. Do you hate all of it? Well then actually, it will get worse, it won’t just go away. Look, 22% of studies show figures that will blow your fucking mind. Violence and assault and addiction. God is great. If you don’t agree with that, you’re addicted and violent! You’re probably thinking about porn right now. Coomer.

Imagine an 18-year-old girl. She is beautiful and she would love you. She would make you happy because you are special and you deserve it. But she was ruined by hardcore pornography. Bummer for you. What do you mean, what about the girl? Who gives a fuck. This is about the children!

Did you know that children are the number one cause of society? Well they are. They’re here and they’re queer. Get used to it. Get used to catering to every fucking thing they might want because they’re entitled little cunts who deserve everything you have. Eviscerate yourself. Feed my children your insides.

By now, you’ve realized what an idiot you were being for arguing with me in the first place. Porn is evil and corrupted you and so we’re going to ban it.

We’ll start with the obvious stuff. The hardcore stuff. Feet pics, guys eating sausages out of a Pokemon’s asshole, furries digesting each other; you know, typical hardcore pornography. You’ll all be put to death. Then you’ve got your basic criminal stuff: facial abuse dot com, fake incest, bukkake gang bangs, guys with pictures of their wives naked on their cell phones. That’s all illegal. You’re going to fucking jail. Pictures of Mohammed banging anyone are illegal–obviously, you wouldn’t just be drawing Mohammed. That’s very insensitive. Nipples are illegal. Lipstick. Erotic stories and dirty jokes. Eggplant emojis. Anything that gets your dick hard.

Wear a hijab. Don’t beat off. Live in a concrete pipe, eat bugs, and pay off your student loans until you’re dead.

Will any porn survive this ban, you ask? Of course. Not the torrent networks. Those will be destroyed. VPNs are illegal. The moon is illegal. The only porn that will survive is the kind you can watch hopped up on your Cialis Daily, sitting next to your wife in a dueling bathtub at sunrise with dueling erections, watching the stock market rocket ever skyward and beating off like you’re trying to have a fucking heart attack. You are eating bugs and paying for these bathtubs with multiple checks every month. This is obscenity. We’re not going to ban it though. Because we can’t stop thinking about porn.

Hey, you know what else aren’t we going to ban? This amazing animation of my fantasized account of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death by Banjaxed Oracle, which shamefully, we did not watch, but we will next week. I promise.



“Go With Jesus ft. Jesse Lee Peterson” by MC Jarbo



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