Rule One of Stig Club: don’t feed him after midnight. Rule Two of Stig Club: don’t ever leave him alone with a multi-million pound collection of supercars, some time, and an empty track. Rule Three: -. . …- . .-. / - .- .-.. -.- / - — / …. .. – / .. -. / – — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. .

Faced with the unending misery of an empty milk carton (won’t somebody think of the tea?), Matt, Chris and Rory hot-footed it out to a farm to collect a pint of the fresh stuff.

“Sure, leave Stig alone with the keys and the track,” they probably said. “It’ll be fine,” they probably additionally said.

Oh, it was so not fine. Somehow, Stig switched himself on, stole some keys, and did some things. Like drifting a new Porsche 911 GT2 RS to the point of oblivion. Like ice-cream and donuts in a McLaren 720S. Like picking up a very special, slightly drooly passenger. Apparently they share similar views on the future of intensive agriculture. And dogfood.

Watch the video above, and mark your calendars for the all-new series of Top Gear TV, heading your way 25 February.