Disclaimer: This was an April Fool’s post (check the publication date). Take the following advice at your own peril and please don’t microwave your jeans like one unfortunate reader.

One of the most sought after facets of all raw denim culture are the fades many jeans achieve after intensive wear. Such grail-level evolutions, however, require, months and years of patient wear and waiting isn’t for everyone. One of the most common questions we get here at Heddels is “how do I fade my jeans faster?”

Well there aren’t any quick tips to release the fading potential in your indigo threads–until today! We’ve decided to share with you 11 surefire ways to speed up your journey to sick fadesville:

1. Sleep In Your Jeans

How can you expect fast fades if you’re neglecting up to 8 hours of potential wear per day? Sleeping in your jeans lets you dream about fades while you create them, plus if you do it often enough you’ll get a free pair of indigo-dyed sheets! For extra fast fades, be sure to keep them on during any “nightly activity”–now you know why most raws come with a button-fly instead of a zipper.

2. Wear Your Jeans Inside Out

Raw denim fades based on friction, the majority of which happens against the weft of your jeans with your legs. This is the same reason crotch blowouts happen. Wearing your jeans inside out will allow you to turn 100% of the the natural friction your body creates and into fading gold, plus how else can you show off the full length of that selvedge ID?

3. Rub Coffee Beans on Your Jeans

Coffee is naturally acidic so it should be no surprise that the beans possess fading properties. Take the beans by the handful (green beans are best but roasted will also work) and rub them throughout the targeted areas. After you’ve applied enough, pour near boiling water over the top of your pants. Collect this water in a mug for a refreshing indigo-mocha beverage.

4. Move to Thailand

Really, anywhere in Southeast Asia works. The super high humidity and hellish temperatures makes for the best environment to fade your jeans and the worst environment to wear them at the same time. Just look at these amazing fades. If your family and your boss don’t understand your need to relocate to achieve the fades you need, then you don’t need them.

5. Microwave your Jeans

The key to your unlocking your fades has been living in your kitchen the whole time. The indigo chemical (C16H10N2O2), is based in Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, and Oxygen–the same elements that make up our food. Applying a light amount of microwave radiation to your jeans will break down the indigo bonds, letting them separate from your jeans more easily, and thus fade faster. We recommend 45 seconds on maximum power or the baked potato selection if your microwave has one.

6. Urinate on Your Jeans

You may be worried about the odor, but if you’ve already gone for several months without washing then covering your jeans with piss won’t make them smell any worse. The ammonia and potassium nitrate present in your urine will dissolve the indigo’s bond with your denim–it’s even endorsed by renowned jeans expert Ruedi Karrer. Bonus points for being able to write your name in the fades!

7. Deep Freeze your Jeans in Liquid Nitrogen

Many companies starch their jeans to make them more rigid and thus more likely to develop creases for fades. There’s no better way to get a rigid pair of jeans than to bathe them in liquid nitrogen at temperatures as cold as -346 degrees Fahrenheit. This method guarantees any pair of jeans will be able to stand up on their own in seconds, but be careful not to shatter them or get frostbite when putting them back on. This option may be limited to chemistry students and trendy ice cream workers.

8. Talk to Your Jeans

Numerous scientific studies have shown that talking to a plant will help it grow faster, and we’ve found the same results with fading raw denim. Tell your denim encouraging things like, “you’re a good jean” and “you’re going to be on Fade Friday some day”. I’ve also found success in reading bedtime stories, my Iron Hearts and I are almost through The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2.

9. Keep Baloney in Your Pockets

Don’t ask us how, but it works!

10. Bleach ‘Em

They may not be the fades you want, but it’s undeniably the best way to achieve high-speed fades.

11. Baptize your Jeans with Holy Water

A pair of jeans that will live long enough to see amazing fades needs to be composed of strong moral fibers. In order to avoid hole-y pants, you’re gonna have to get some holy pants. Enter into your local church, preferably after hours, and spread about two cups of the liquid over your stress points while saying, “In the name of the bar tack, the hidden rivet, and the Union Special, I summon you Jeansus!” (WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BAPTIZE ONI JEANS).

Did we forget your favorite way to speed up jean fading? Too bad!