One narcissistic egomaniac, meet another narcissistic egomaniac. Just in case anyone was in doubt about who was the real star of Piers Morgan’s interview with Donald Trump, Piers began the show with a few minutes devoted entirely to himself. How brilliant he had been to get the interview. What good buddies he and the US president were. The best buddies ever.

Piers could hardly contain his excitement when the president entered the room. The Donald didn’t look as if the feeling was mutual, but the television cameras were rolling and he was too polite or too savvy to let on. He settled for, “I’ve missed you Pierce.”

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Their acquaintance didn’t appear to have extended to the president bothering to learn how to pronounce Piers’ name. Piers pressed on. Could the president remember how brilliant Piers had been to win the American Celebrity Apprentice? He could. “You’re a genius, Pierce,” the Donald purred.

Having covered the important stuff, Piers focused on the president. The Donald listed various achievements both imagined and real while Piers gave a few sycophantic laughs and forgot to challenge him. Then the big story. Trump admitted he sometimes tweeted from bed. This was breaking news. Apparently.

After the first ad break, Piers felt the need to do an urgent recap to remind everyone of his brilliance. He then did a quick dash round the houses. What about the president’s attitude to women? “You know me, I have tremendous respect for women,” the Donald insisted. Most people might have done a double-take at this. Not Piers. He simpered needily and edged closer to Daddy. Moments later the president admitted he wasn’t a feminist. Bears. Woods.

Piers then tried to get profound. The real reason the president was so keen on having a state visit to Britain had nothing to do with his insatiable desire to be flattered by someone even more important than Piers. It was because his mother was Scottish and he wanted to return to his roots. Cut to archive footage of his mother. The hair resemblance was uncanny. At the mention of Scotland, Trump gave a quick plug to his golf course. Business was business.

So it continued. Piers would sometimes ask what purported to be a serious question and then let the Donald off the hook when he failed to answer it. The Donald had no idea the racist Britain First tweets that he retweeted were racist. Climate change was wrong because it was pretty cold in Davos but he’d rethink the Paris Treaty if New York could get some warm weather. If the Las Vegas shooter hadn’t had 50 rifles he’d have bought 50 bombs from the local bomb shop.

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Piers would have got more sensible answers from most 10-year- olds. And Graham Norton would have asked more probing questions. As a serious interview, the whole thing was pretty much a non-starter. But it had never been about that. It had been about entertainment. The Piers and Donald show, and it wouldn’t have mattered if they had spent the whole time talking rubbish. So that was precisely what they had done.

• This article was amended on 31 January 2018. An earlier version misattributed the quote “I’ve missed you” to Piers Morgan. Donald Trump was quoted saying this to Morgan.