As much as it is troubling to write, this won't be a funky Christmas – the Bundesliga has got the blues. An overwhelming sense of futility and defeatism, a soul-corroding realisation that 2013-14 will be another season of little-to-no success will accompany the vast majority of clubs into the winter break. "The league is dead," is the often-heard lament in light of Bayern Munich's suffocating superiority. The league leaders have gone through the entire calendar year unbeaten in the Meisterschaft; they're so good that they're winning titles even when they're not playing.

While they celebrated their triumph in the Club World Championship (after wins against powerhouses Guangzhou Evergrande and Raja Casablanca) amid belly dancers and palm trees, the opposition gave up the ghost good and proper. Dortmund lost their third home game in a row, a 2-1 defeat by Hertha. "The good thing about this last third of the year is that it's over now," said the increasingly prickly Jürgen Klopp, whose side are now fourth. "The season's targets are in danger," warned the Borussia sporting director Michael Zorc.

After dabbling in Inception-style fantasy – they dared to dream about dreaming about dreaming about the title two weeks ago – Leverkusen slipped again following last week's home defeat by Eintracht, and were beaten 1-0 at Werder Bremen. And Gladbach and Wolfsburg, the two most improved sides, only managed a 2-2 draw as well. The Bayern players and officials politely refused to accept congratulations for the defence of their title but their heart wasn't quite in it. They're seven points ahead, with one game in hand, without playing anywhere near their limit except for a handful of matches.

At least the unhappiness in the rest of the country is of a loud and shrill kind. Collectively, the top flight has reacted to its existentialist fear of irrelevance by adopting extreme forms of thrill-seeking and out-of-character behaviour. And as a result the Hinrunde (first half of the season) has gone ever so slightly off the rails. Experienced practitioners will recognise the symptoms: in its 51st year, the Bundesliga is gripped by a severe midlife crisis.

There's no other way to explain the manic combination of white-flag-hissing and unhinged excess, as evidenced, among other things, by a total of 486 goals. That's a stupendous 3.19 per game, the highest return in 27 years. The Hoffenheim coach Markus Gisdol summed up the somewhat deranged proceedings after the 4-4 draw with Werder Bremen earlier in the season by saying: "If we had scored seven goals, we would have conceded seven as well."

Everywhere you looked, records were broken. Schalke coach Jens Keller, who has just been given another vote of confidence following an "authentic and ruthless" review, as sporting director Horst Heldt put it, spent the entire Hinrunde walking up and down the plank, without ever getting the push. The longest goodbye in the history of the league is set to continue until May, when a suitable replacement will hopefully be found.

The former S04 manager Mirko Slomka will probably be available soon. The Hannover coach saw his side complete a full set of away defeats (eight in eight) in the 2-1 loss at SC Freiburg. No one's been this pointless on opposition pitches in 25 years. "Basically, we want to continue with Slomka but sometimes you need to have the courage to make a change," said Dirk Dufner on Sunday. Hannover's sporting director has been ordered to draw up a shortlist of coaches to succeed Slomka by club boss Martin Kind, Kicker reported on Monday.

Meanwhile 17th-placed Nürnberg have gone one worse. The Franconians finished the year without a single win so far this season – a feat unparalleled. Gertjan Verbeek's team have hit the post and bar 15 times and they were at least Schalke's equals in the 0-0 draw on Saturday night. The Dutchman has vowed to let his beard grow until they return to winning ways, even if he'll end up "playing Santa Claus next year", as he jokingly suggested. It will be close shave, in any case.

Leverkusen, despite reverting to type, head a tiny group of non-Munich based clubs content with their lot. The formidable Hertha (sixth), Gladbach (third) and Wolfsburg (fifth) are part of this select quintet, along with Markus Weinzierl's Augsburg, who have worked wonders to head into the break in eighth. But that's it, as far as feel-good stories are concerned. Hamburg still rival Schalke as the most chaotically led giant in Germany, Bremen still can't defend, Stuttgart have become settled in mediocrity.

But this shouldn't be unduly disconcerting. On the contrary, the sheer level of (relative) underachievement in Germany's top flight is actually strangely comforting. Everyone, Bayern included, can do much better and, at some point, they will. In the meantime, watching the competition rage against the red machine will provide a different but no less compelling spectacle. Have a great Christmas and happy new year, we'll see you on the other side.

Results

Eintracht Frankfurt 1-1 FC Augsburg, Borussia Dortmund 1-2 Hertha BSC, SC Freiburg 2-1 Hannover 96, Werder Bremen 1-0 Bayer Leverkusen, HSV 2-3 Mainz 05, Braunschweig 1-0 Hoffenheim, Nürnberg 0-0 Schalke, Borussia Mönchengladbach 2-2 VfL Wolfsburg.