Fort Naples, FL—

[BREAKING]

Police in West Palm Beach have reportedly fielded several phone calls from frightened Mar-a-Lago visitors who claim they saw an adult, male orangutan rampaging through the hallways at President Donald Trump’s beach resort.

“The orangutan was very large, and appeared to be in an agitated mood,” explained eyewitness and Mar-a-Lago club member Cynthia Vandeventer. “My husband reckoned that the beast was about 239 pounds, but I have never been more sure about anything in my life than the fact that this beast was substantially heavier. I’d say this orangutan was at least 40 pounds bigger, but possibly much, much girthier.”

Police have currently set up a perimeter around the Mar-a-Lago fences, and are awaiting the arrival of Miami-area zookeepers armed with tranquilizer guns in order to pacify the animal and transport it to the Miami Zoo.

“This poor orangutan!” exclaimed another eyewitness, Matilda Winthrop, who saw the animal in the main banquet hall “ravaging” a bucket of KFC fried chicken. “I only saw it for a brief moment before I ran from the building, but, I swear to God, I saw it chug a can of diet coke, and then a second. I’ve never seen anything like it! I didn’t know orangutans could open cans, but I saw with my own eyes this animal do it. Hand to God!”

Following the incident in the banquet hall, the orangutan then reportedly headed toward the Mar-a-Lago golf course.

“It was a little shocking at first to see this zoo animal wandering around the luxury resort,” said Phillip Friedman, another club guest, “But then it turned into a hilarious moment because—I’m not making this up—the orangutan got into a golf cart and—this is the total truth!—drove the golf cart to the first hole, got out, and started golfing. I’m not so sure this is a zoo animal at all. This driving, golfing orangutan must be someone’s trained monkey or something!”

UPDATE:

The police have reportedly tranquilized the orangutan, and confirmed that the animal is substantially heavier than 239 pounds. On further inspection, the police have confirmed that the orangutan is not a zoo animal, and is, in fact, President of the United States Donald Trump.

“We’re just all very happy this situation was resolved peacefully,” said West Palm Beach Police Chief Ronald Horten. “The dosage of the tranquilizer darts was high enough to bring down an orangutan, but, fortunately for President Trump, it was a perfectly safe dosage for him to receive as well, girth-wise. The President is calmly sleeping in his Mar-a-Lago bedroom, as is usual protocol. This orangutan/Trump mixup occurs about once a month, and we’re just glad that, once again, the responding officers assessed the situation calmly and smoothly carried out the tranquilizing maneuver by the book so that no lives were threatened.”

(Photo courtesy of Ryan Summers.)

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