DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you are is really the sexiest thing a person can do,” said Thomas, who has never witnessed an obese, mustachioed Sonic, an orange-cutoff-clad Tails, and a sweat-soaked Knuckles the Echidna enter a convention center to join up with hundreds of Charmy Bees, Espio the Chameleons, and Rouge the Bats who await them for a day chock-full of roleplaying on planet Mobius. “Honestly, I believe it’s about the way you carry yourself. I think it’s apparent that if we first love ourselves, then others [as long as you’ve never seen a tattoo-covered Sonic wage a ham-fisted mock battle with a rotund, middle-aged Dr. Robotnik in order to gain the sixth Chaos Emerald and enter a Comic Con booth labeled ‘Crystal Egg Zone’] will too.” Thomas, who has also evidently never watched a grown man with spiky blue hair and unwashed tights racing around a hotel event suite collecting gold spray-painted hula hoop “rings,” asserted that looks don’t matter.

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