Posted on 27 December 2012

They are giving out digital timers to 90,000 students to limit showers to under five minutes.

Here’s some real news for you: National water agency, PUB, has come up with an ingenious idea to save water.

They are going to teach school children how to do a “shower dance”.

Plus, they are distributing up to 90,000 waterproof digital timers to students to encourage them to take showers that do not last more than five minutes, as each additional minute in the shower will cost Singapore nine litres of precious water.

What cannot be confirmed at press time though: Insiders familiar with this development say that this measure is a direct response to the increase of sex scandals in Singapore in 2012 and the relevant ministries are trying their best to police the unsavoury bathroom habits of the population, starting from those in primary school.

Currently, this tie-up is between PUB, MinCRAP (Ministry of Corruption Reduction and Prevention) and the Ministry of Education, which has a history of only employing virgins as teachers.

Most students interviewed said the digital timer is a stupid idea.

And the “shower dance” is even more retarded.

One primary two student, who is too embarrassed to be named and called a Singaporean, said: “The last thing I want is to fap at the balcony because I cannot do it in the bathroom. And who knows? I might end up on STOMP because some idiot likes to point a camera into my house and take pictures of what I do in my own home. Bastards.”

A parent of three children, also said: “The government is obviously running out of ideas. All they have to do is build park benches, lay roads and keep the economy humming and not start bullshit initiatives like these at the expense of taxpayers’ money, so that they can look like they are meeting their KPIs for 2012 and 2013.”

Singapore is already a country renowned for inane laws such as the banning of chewing gum.

It looks set to go down into the anals of history as the country that polices the tender, private moments of individuals who are only beginning to discover the full spectrum of the joys of the human body.