CEO, you don’t need to see I.D.



Until earlier this week it’s not been possible to customise your weapon loadout in GTA Online. You had to cycle through every single gun, explosive, knife and tool on the weapon wheel and could not set your favourites as default.

It was an issue that not only got my goat – in a headlock – but held it hostage and sent me taunting reminders every time Rockstar released a new update with yet another new weapon. I had to buy them and hoard them in my arsenal, obviously. And in doing so added more clutter to my weapon wheel, exasperating my own problem. I’ve written about it before, because it made me angry. I had to get that frustration out, and fortunately I get paid to fume on the internet.

But all that is over, my friends. I have been cast free of the shackles of the weapon wheel. I no longer have to cycle through the shit; the fireworks launcher, the musket, the MG. With the Further Adventures in Finance and Felony update I now get a gun locker and can stash weapons I don’t use, trimming by weapon wheel of fat and walking around totin’ guns with “drum magazines that resemble Mickey Mouse ears” as my man Celph Titled put it.

But there’s a catch. A big catch. My gun locker cost well over $3 million.

See, gun lockers are only available in one of the four new offices that went on sale this week. Buy one and you become the CEO of a new business. Office prices start at $1 million, but as with any property as soon as you start customising it those numbers inflate. This is why estate agents are hated more than landlords.

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Never quite having saved up the $10 million for a super yacht I had just under half of that stashed in the bank so decided, fuck it, you can’t take it with you. I bought an office so I could customise my loadout.

I went for the cheapest because I’m not an idiot, right? But then didn’t skimp on the extras. I got the Old Spice Vintage decor fitted ($760,000), hired a female assistant (she calls me “boss”, naturally), that all important Gun Locker ($520,000), a safe so I can stare at my greenbacks ($335,000) and accommodation ($795,000) for power naps. Total: $3,410,000.

The new offices are designed as a hub from which to kick off the new Buy and Sell missions. It’s here we steal and sell bodyparts, rare decorative eggs, do a little gun-running or smuggling. But it’s also a pretty neat place to hang out. There’s gin and whisky in my personal office, wine in the lounge area, rum in the bedroom and green juice in the kitchen. I am never short of a livener. When I sit down at the boardroom table I get my gun out and place it on the desk. It’s these little details that will always keep the GTA charm alive for me.

And now finally I have a customised weapon wheel after stashing my unwanted weapons in a locker hidden discreetly behind my desk. It’s something the players have been begging for for years.

Those that think Rockstar is cynical enough to keep highly requested features behind high prices “forcing” them to buy Shark Cards with real-world cash got more fuel for their paranoia this week. Maybe that is the case, or maybe you should just earn your in-game cash like the rest of us if you want nice things. Nothing comes for free and you don’t get to CEO status with a few coins in your pocket or by playing the odd deathmatch.

I didn’t spend my cash on the flashy new cars, and you don’t have to buy everything released in every update. I spent a small fortune on a minor tweak that improves my personal playing experience. I earned those dollars from months of play and I’m going to spend it however I want. Now get Merryweather Security on the phone, I’ve got work to do.