AUSTIN, TX—Describing himself as a complete anomaly within his peer group, local 31-year-old Drew Winberg confirmed Tuesday that he is the only one of his friends who has yet to get married and divorced. “Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to find that special person I can fall in love with, pledge my life to, grow apart from, and then break up with before engaging in a bitter and costly legal battle,” said Winberg, lamenting his perpetual role as the token single guy celebrating friends’ over-the-top weddings and then supporting them through their messy divorces. “It seems as though everyone I know is delving back into the dating scene with this new lease on life, and here I am the odd man out.” Winberg consoled himself with the thought that if he married soon, he could still get divorced and find a new girlfriend in time to take her to his friends’ second marriages.

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