I only started following Lala Kent on Instagram yesterday, and boy, what a payoff. In the past 24 hours, she’s already given me enough fodder for not one, but two articles. First, there was the thirsty post of the bouquet that she captioned “Thank you R.E. [heart emoji]”. We all obviously took R.E. to mean Randall Emmett, Lala’s rumored married boyfriend since last season. Well now, Lala’s back with another Instagram story, and I’ve got to tell you, this has really changed my opinion. At first I thought Lala was out here, playing up her illicit relationship for publicity. Now I think she’s completely fabricating this relationship that does not actually exist for publicity. Take a look at this picture and you’ll see why.

Let’s cover the obvious first. NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS. Nobody writes like this; nobody talks like this; this is not a letter that any person would naturally compose. “You’re my angel and warrior”? “I am blessed to have you as my partner and lover”?? “LOVE, YOUR MAN AND BOY TOY”??? Come the fuck on. Nobody, especially not a man who’s trying to hide his affair from his wife and kids, would willingly write this. You know what it does sound like, though? Exactly what a woman who’s writing a fake love letter to herself would say, or what a man would say under duress with a pen taped to his hand and a gun to his head. Honestly, either scenario is equally plausible at this given point.

I also thought, upon first glance, that the handwriting was a little suspicious. One, it’s pretty neat—a little too neat, perhaps? Is that sexist, though? IDK. Two, and most importantly, take a fucking look at the first supposed love letter from her supposed lover.

TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SETS OF HANDWRITING. You don’t exactly need a degree to discern that. And then reconsider the two messages. “I love you, I’m so proud of you” vs. “I am blessed to have you as my partner and lover”… the same person didn’t write those. In scientific terms, there is just no fucking way. Wildly different handwriting, wildly different messages—it doesn’t add up. We’re talking two different unsubs people. And at this point, I doubt this supposed “R.E.” wrote either card. I feel like Lala completely just made this whole relationship up to stay relevant and is sending herself flowers just to post about them. Which is pretty sad. I saw a girl do that once with a wedding ring in an episode of Catfish—that’s the level she’s on right now. She is no better than people who pretend to be complete strangers on the internet to trick other people into relationships with them. Just think about that for a sec. That is pretty fucking low. Somebody call Nev and Max—we’ve caught a live one.

Now this is the last I want to hear about Lala’s fictional married boyfriend. If you need me, I’ll be tailoring my resume to apply for a position at CSI.