

Has anyone watched Bloodsport lately? I caught it on Showtime at around 3 in the morning this weekend and I gotta say, the thing holds up. The story, the directing, the Forest Whitaker-ing …pretty much just 10s across the board, really.

Well, except for Chong Li.

What? Don’t give me that look. Chong Li SUCKS. Both as a mega boss and a fighter, but especially the latter. The only thing more preposterous than Frank Dux’s claims that the Bloodsport is based on real life events that totally happened is the idea that Chong Li could EVER make it to the finals in said fictional recreation of said actual (but probably also fictional) tournament.

Chong Li would have no business competing in the Kumite, because Chong Li wouldn’t be able to hold his own in a cybergoth dance party. He is Frank Dux’s delusion personified; a glorified can crusher that wouldn’t last a round in even the lowest-level dive bar MMA circuit. Hell, Kevin James’ character in Here Comes the Boom would have melted Chong Li inside of five minutes, and any fight fan who’s seen Bloodsport knows this to be true.

Don’t believe me? Let’s go to the tape.



As anyone who has followed the career of Daniel Cormier, Mark Hunt, or really any UFC heavyweight will tell you, a fighter’s worth should never be judged on appearance alone. There is, however, a two-point MUST system that can generally be used to gauge a fighter’s skill level via an ocular pat down: MUscles and STance.

Chong Li’s numbers in those categories are as follows:

Muscles: 10/10

Stance: negative eleventy-million

There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance in the fight game, and the hands down, “Come at Me, Bro” stance typically signifies the moment in which it has been crossed. It is the cockiest thing you can do in a fight next to outright dancing, and something which almost always ends in viral humiliation for the person dumb enough to try it. If you don’t believe me, just ask Bethe Correia when she wakes up from that dirt nap she took last weekend.