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In an exciting development for doctors and nurses around the country, FDA has approved a powerful new drug for treatment of resistant pain, defined as pain of 11 and above on the scale of 10.

Dilaumorfentanyloce was tested in a large multicenter clinical trial and used to treat a broad range of pain sources such as pancreatitis, multi level spinal fusion, open AAA repair, stubbed toe, bruised knee and band aid removal.

Excited study leader Dr. Oppie Yates M.D. reported that he average pre-treatment pain score was sixty eight out of possible ten. After just a single dose of Dilaumorfentanyloce the pain scores came down to between zero and I’m in the la-la land. The effect was robust, long lasting and resistant to such interventions as Narcan and CPR.

Livin la vida

Dilaumorfentanyloce follows the succeeds of Furosesonerolaquino for undifferentiated dyspena. The stock of Park and Sons Pharmaceuticals which developed the new miracle drug jumped 185% on the news.

Critics of the study raised concerns about the rate of adverse effects, which just like the drug’s efficacy was close to 100%. These included: cessation of all neurologic activity (aka coma), cessation of all biological activity (aka death) and cessation of all cognitive activity (aka new intern).