“Soldiers, today is July 18, 2017. You are about to march into battle against the most elite forces in the National League. You must learn your enemy inside and out. The following information is critical. Study it. Know it. Be able to recite it in your sleep. Your very lives depend on it. If you are feeling any self-doubt and need a shot of inspiration, remember that our squadron motto is on the wall of every room in this building:”

“The enemy, the ‘Dodgers’, once appeared vulnerable. That’s not the case anymore. They’ve been reinforced. Their level of focus is unprecedented. They’ve emerged victorious from 54 of their last 71 skirmishes. Learn how they did it. Familiarize yourself with the following personnel:”

“Some of the enemy soldiers have been removed from regular duty. Study them, so that you might not experience a similar fate.”

“Due to the depletion of their ranks, the Dodgers have had to replenish their forces with new and dangerous combatants. Review the unique abilities of these formidable foes.”

“Now you know what we’re up against, soldiers. You now understand our invading foes and are thoroughly aware of how they might defeat you.”

“Come to consider it, this probably served to scare you more than it actually prepared you to fight. You probably should have instead used this time to hone your dingerbats and work on agility and strength training and good heavens didn’t Tyler Saladino bat fifth the other day? Sorry...sorry. Composure. Alright White Socks, back to work! Defend the Grate! The odds are stacked against us, but WE WILL WIN THE DAY! Which of you has been assigned to take out Kershaw?”

“Ugh. Gonzalez? Really?”

“I quit.”

Probable Starting Pitchers

Tuesday, July 18: Clayton Kershaw vs. Miguel Gonzalez

Wednesday, July 19: Kenta Maeda vs. Carlos Rodon