Today's Lineups:

Home Team

Bernard Westmayne (DynamiteShovel)

Ripper the Wolf (Ripper the Wolf)

Balasar Shieldbiter (Daiko)

Rook Wedlock (Crimsai)

Xeaon Ravenwood (Xeaon)

Shadious Beavertown (ShadyBeaver)

Scott - Balasarian #1

Geoff - Balasarian #2

John - Balasarian #3

Unavailable

Kilgan Fireheart V (Vilhjalmir) - Still the Gulag

Thoran Stonecrusher (HarryGoLucky) - Possibly dead in the Gulag

Goblin Scourge the Rabbit (Goblin Scourge the Rabbit) - DEAD!!!!

Away Team

Dungeon Master (jptoc)

Salamanders (jptoc)

Where we left off:

After several almost disasterous attempts, Bernard managed to convince Venomfang to leave Thundertree and settle somewhere to the North. The Dragon will come to find the Party in a few weeks, but Balasar remains confident as his new found church stand with him.

2 - The Party head back to the Sleeping Giant in having arrived back in Phandalin. Rook is introduced to the barkeep and she buys herself and Droop an ale.

3 - Balasar explains that the three ex-cultists are following him due to the wisdom of his existence. Barkeep sounds impressed.

4 - Bernard keeps stealing Scott from Balasar. This is going to end in a fight. The Bard approaches two men playing dice in the corner and talks about the happenings around the town.

5 - Apparently there was someone who came into Town asking about a Mine and then scarpered North. The person who runs the local town is trying to gain support to take the town.

10 - Bernard buys the drunk Droop a room for two copper pieces. Bernard clearly likes him.

12 - Bernard buys Scott some Leather Armour. Doesn't buy some for the rest of the Balasarians who follow their all powerful leader to Town Hall.

13 - Rook enters Town Hall, noticing the sign that states that there is trouble with Orcs. The people inside scream for Harbin who comes waddling out from the back and almost shits himself.

14 - Rook's here for a job. Harbin's calling for the guards. Shithouse. No guards around though.

15 - Rook gets everyone else to join her in freaking out Harbin. Xeaon backhands him and the man begins to pull his shit together before starting another outburst.

16 - Rook casts Thaumatalogy on herself, causing her voice to boom "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT THING!?" in response to Harbin's outbursts.

17 - Woman steps up and talks to the Party. There's a reward, but it isn't enough. The Party saved the town! Turns out the Party haven't exactly been saving the town. Oops.

20 - The Party continue negotiating. 250 Gold overall and a Party when they get back plus a statue. Bernard has to play a gig.

21 - Bernard has now killed a Dragon too. This town is soon to be in for a rude awakening once Venomfang comes back. Or once Balasar loses his shit and kills everyone screaming about how he carried the Party to that Owlbear kill!

22 - Harbin's the Townmaster. Shithouse town.

24 - Balasar offers to remove Harbin from the town. Turns out there's no replacement for him, and Bernard now thinks he has a shot at being the new Townmaster. He doesn't, but he thinks he does.

25 - Halia of the Mining Exchange seems to be the second biggest name in town despite her being hated.

27 - Scott wants to talk to Bernard. He appreciates Bernard's love, but he wants to spread Balasarism to the people of Phandalin. GET IN, SON. FUCK YOU, BERNARD! THE CUL--CHURCH 1 - 0 BERNARD

29 - Bernard demands the Morningstar back and leaves with a tear in his eye.

30 - DROOP'S BACK! AND HE GETS THE MORNINGSTAR BACK! DROOP'S TROOPS ARE BACK IN ACTION!

31 - The Party head off to the trail, heading North to face the Orcs. They discuss their plans to make Droop the new Townmaster.

35 - Xeaon casts Mage Armour on himself as they walk.

37 - We just saw a double crit fail roll. It was incredible.

38 - Xeaon thinks he's hearing and seeing things, but isn't too sure. Still can't see shit though.

39 - Droop's cold and feels overworked, but fuck 'im. We're setting up camp.

40 - Rook takes first watch during the night and doesn't see shit outside of the glowy birds.

41 - Balasar takes second watch during the night and doesn't see shit outside of the stars.

42 - Bernard begins to play his mutual respect but not love song for Scott during his third watch and doesn't see shit outside of his own lute.

43 - Xeaon casts mage light during the fourth watch and now he sees fucking everything. Unfortunately this means there's a fucking glint nearby.

47 - A pack of fucking wolves snuck by us. We're dumb as fuck. We're also surrounded.

48 - The wolves howl and the Party are up in an instant. Balasar is first to react and he roars a challenge at them, daring them to come and face him. They're shitting it and stop howling, instead choosing to bark.

60 - Droop's scared too now and he's clinging to Rook's leg.

61 - Bernard fires his crossbow at one of the wolves, striking it dead center dealing monstrous damage. It's already limping.

62 - The Wolves bunch up together. Pack mentality, boys! They're getting hyped up. It's fucking go time.

63 - Rook casts Sacred Flame, aiming for the injured wolf. She hits hard, and it drops dead. Xeaon may be falling in love already.

64 - Xeaon casts Grease on the ground within the Wolves.

65 - Balasar charges in to the wolf outside of the Grease and slams his great-axe down upon its shoulder. Droop tries to follow, but because he has the Morningstar again, he can't keep up.

67 - Bernard casts Thunder Wave. He hits Xeaon and the Wolves. He only hits one of them with the full blast. The rest take niggly hits, but they're all clearly injured.

70 - Ripper stays back. Rest of the Wolves are moving too. The three outside the grease attack Balasar who basically tanks it like the Dragon God he is.

72 - The Wolves try to move forward but slip around. Go go gadget grease.

75 - Rook casts Thorn Whip on one of the Wolves that are surrounding Balasar. She connects, striking the wolf and dragging it towards her. It's dead.

77 - Xeaon burns the grease. BURN! One dies instantly and one escapes before things burn. The three remaining in the fire only get singed.

79 - Balasar cuts the head off of the wolf that he hit earlier.

80 - Droop charges forward hand-axe drawn. Xeaon shit talks him and Droop draws the Morningstar instead. He falls back under its weight and lands on the wolf that Balasar just killed. Last hit kills.

81 - Bernard casts Disonant Whispers on the wolf that escaped the flames and blows its fucking mind.

84 - Two of the wolves escape from the fire and dive at Xeaon. The third wolf dies in the flame.

85 - The wolves ain't doing shit to Xeaon. Puppies.

86 - Rook charges in and swings her mace, smashing it into the side of the nearest one's face.

87 - Xeaon fires off a quick fireball and smashes the wolf that Rook just hit.

88 - Balasar fucks up his swing in sympathy for Ripper.

89 - Droop ain't about that lift though and comes flying in, morningstar raised. He isn't about the hitting life either though and fucks up.

89 - Bernard's in there with the morningstar. HE FUCKS IT UP! HOPELESS.

90 - Ripper's turn. Everyone is now around it. Ripper rips its fucking throat out. gg wolves

92 - There's still time to go. And they keep marching on.

93 - Balasar's beady eyes spot nothing. He knows shenanigans are afoot. Fuck shenaigans though.

95 - Bloody Goblins.

96 - Balasar takes a heavy hit but dodges the second. Bernard dodges one. Ripper takes a huge hit. Xeaon takes a hit. Rook takes a hit too.

97 - Balasar charges at the Goblin nearest Ripper and swings his great-axe, but misses to his surprise.

99 - Bernard quickly heals Ripper, having moves him off to the side.

100 - XEAON CASTS ENLARGE ON BALASAR. HAHAHAAHAHA, I AM YOUR 30 FOOT TALL GOD NOW!

102 - Rooks casts Bane on the three Goblins in the southern trees who are all immediately stricken with the spell.

103 - Two of the three in the northern trees fire at Balasar, only one manages to hit though. The third swings his scimitar at the dragonborn, but it bounces off his armour. All three disengage from the fight and flee.

104 - The Southern Trifecta fire at Rook who avoids all three hits. They also disappear.

106 - Droop's not fucking having it and fires his bow, but misses. He tells the giant Balasar where they are though, and Balasar goes stomping off. He catches the nearest one to him and brings his giant great-axe down upon its head. It's fucking gone.

108 - Sensing that the tides have turned, Ripper runs up alongside the giant Dragonborn and sits panting.

109 - Bernard casts Disonant Whispers on another other of the Northern Trio. Goblin tries to power through the awful music, but he dies.

111 - Droop's coordinating the battle now. Stepping up big here! Xeaon moves to the side and catches sight of one of the Southern Goblins. It's shitting itself, but Xeaon doesn't fucking care. FIREBALL! It's alive, but it has no loincloth anymore. Score one for the heroes.

113 - Rook's chasing the naked goblin. Mace strike! Mace miss!

114 - Goblins realise that shit's going wrong so they run off. They sling some shit at Droop, but the naked Goblin is up for fighting with Rook. Rook takes that scimitar hit off of her shield. It runs off.

117 - Balasar and Bernard do their own thing as Xeaon slaughters the naked goblin.

118 - Bernard can't find anything of note on the bodies.

122 - The Party move on to Wyrven's Hall. It used to be host to a bunch of Wyrvens, but they were cleared out years ago. Harbin claims there's a band of Orcs here, but fucked if we know. He's hopeless. Could be Venomfang again.

125 - The Party make camp and settle down until night time. There's a lot of scrap around, but nothing useable.

128 - Now awake, the Party decide to follow the half-orc Rook as she hunts down for her fellow almost kinsmen.

109 - She scouts the area and finds the entrance to a cave and near the opening there's an Orc.

112 - Rook recognises that this group of scouts is under Brughar Axebiter of the Many Arrows Tribe. A brutal Orcish warlord who is a menace to opposing forces.

116 - Shadious Beavertown pops up behind the group, but he's immediately noticed by Droop.

120 - Shadious immediately unleashes the scroll on Rook, who is confused. The Party discuss Shadious' arrival, ignoring the nearby sentry.

121 - Xeaon casts Disguise on himself and Balasar uses his disguise box. Both turn themselves into Orcs and walk forward with Rook. They represent the Sword Burger Tribe. Scout is not convinced and begins to walk towards the entrance.

125 - His mates are around. Shadious is already trying to stealth kill people. He fires a fucking wand. He's definitely back.

128 - It does minimal damage, but it throws Shadious back weakening him. Shadious immediately drinks his invisibility potion. All of that progress gone.

130 - Bernard casts Disonance Whisper on the Orc Sentry and blows its fucking mind. Blork's screams draw the attention of his mates.

132 - Shadious moves into position. Xeaon spots Cork and Fork and drops back before firing a fireball, striking them.

133 - Droop's up. He's nowhere near though, so he'll take a few hours. Rook's up now and she moves back too, casting Spike Growth in the front of the cave.

136 - Balasar sits at the edge of the cave and breathes lightning down into it, striking Cork and Fork with a monstrous shot. Bernard moves forward.

137 - The two move back deeper into the cave.

138 - Rook's shenanigans have meant that there's no way into the cave. Shadious fires an arrow pierced with an orcish heart down into the cave, but it has no effect. Heart's all shriveled so Fork and Cork are confused.

140 - Droop's still trying to get here.

141 - Rook casts Thaumaturgy and yells into the cave three times louder than usual. She starts clucking and calling them chickens. They're not fucking happy.

147 - Bernard throws the potion of flying to Balasar who drains it and flys into the cave as Dragons often do. He then flies back out like a true scout does. There's an Ogre and a lot of orcs.

151 - The Ogre charges out. It's fucking close. PANIC. The Orcs are following.

152 - Shadious fires off a wand at the Ogre. No immediate effect. He hides again.

154 - Xeaon casts Grease and greases up all them Orcs.

156 - Sacred Flame time! Rook burns Dork and the rest of the fuckwitted Orcs. It's just radiant though, so we're fucked.

161 - Balasar gives a pitiful roar which is laughed off by the Ogre. Balasar just drives his great-axe into its hide dealing strong damage. Fucking Ogres.

162 - Bernard casts Dissonant Whispers onto the Ogre, sending it sprawling back into the cave, falling on the orcs behind him.

164 - Bernard's not going to stop fucking talking about this one.

165 - Two of the Seven Orcs stay standing and charge at Balasar. They miss. Stupid Orcses.

169 - Shadious draws his longbow and fires at one of Balasar's nearby Orcs. He cracks it in the chest, dealing monstrous damage, felling his foe instantly. He then dashes off to the side.

172 - Xeaon fires a fireball down upon the Grease and fucks up Cork the Orc. The rest are in the fire.

175 - DROOP'S GETTING CLOSER!!

176 - Rook fucks up. Useless.

178 - Balasar swings his great-axe at the Orc in front of him, but he missed.

179 - Bernard 'Disonant Whispers' Westmayne casts Disonant Whispers. Ogre takes more damage. He just fucking killed it.

180 - Rook takes big fucking damage from the great-axe swing.

182 - Orcs keep piling back down back into the cave, getting out of the flame.

183 - Shadious fires and arrow. He fails. womp womp.

185 - Xeaon casts enlarge on Balasar, but fuck that, DROOP'S IN WITH THE MORNINGST... He fucked it up. Poor Droop.

186 - GIANT DRAGONBORN THAT HAS BEEN DISGUISED AS A GIANT ORC SLAUGHTERS SMALLER LESS SIGNIFICANT ORC THAT IS NOT A DISGUISED DRAGONBORN.

189 - Orcs have retreated back into the cave.

190 - Shadious moves forward and joins the group. He fistbumps Bernard then fires a wand at the Ogre's corpse. The Ogre's thigh bone explodes.

191 - Xeaon moves into the cave and eats double javelins. It hurts. Duh. He casts grease and the two fall down.

195 - Droop's in the cave!!

196 - Rook moves in and casts Guiding Bolt on Torque the Orc. He guides that shit right into him. Torque's fucking gone. Thanks for playing, mate.

197 - Balasar walks into the cave and offers the Orcs a chance to join the Balasarian movement, but they decline. He spots Brughar. Doesn't fucking care though.

199 - Bernard pops in and fires off a bolt, striking Work the Orc. He almost ded.

201 - Ripper's in there, but he misses his bite on Work. He's now way too close. Fuck sake.

202 - Fork is still on the ground. Work is attacking Ripper. Big damage? Big damage. Ripper collapses, whimpering pitifully. He's close to death. His master calls to him and Ripper just manages to get up to his feet.

203 - Brughar drives forward and goes toe to toe with Balasar, but shits himself. Balasar's fucking great.

204 - Shadious fires at Fork. He's fucking dead now. Shadious dives in to protect Ripper.

206 - Xeaon cast Reduce on Brughar, but he doesn't fucking care.

207 - DROOP'S STILL MOVING. HE DRAWS HIS SHORT BOW. KILL WORK! DO IT, DROOP! HE doesn't hit.

208 - Rook casts Guiding Bolt Level 2. Big old fucking damage. Brughar's struggling.

210 - BALASAR'S GOT THE POWER ON HIS SIDE. A GUIDING LIGHT ON BRUGHAR! A GIANT GREAT-AX.. Of course he fucking misses. Twice.

211 - Bernard tried to kill Brughar, but doesn't do much damage.

212 - Work misses Shadious. Brughar hits Balasar for damage. They both run past, chasing after Ripper.

213 - Shadious fires his bow at Work who dies. Dead. He nods his head at Bernard.

214 - Xeaon's burning people again. Brughar's dead. Get tae fuck. Toasty.

215 - GOLD! XP! LEVEL UP! We're great.

216 - Balasar cuts the head off of the Ogre.