

The Chicago Bears signed free agent Michael Bush on Thursday, but the news was overshadowed by running back Matt Forte’s well-earned graduation from the prestigious Lance Briggs Whining Academy.

“I’m so proud of Matt,” said Bears linebacker and noted whiner Lance Briggs. “I just wish the team would have kicked in more money for the ceremony. They’re so cheap, they didn’t even spring for Cristal. We had to drink plain old Dom Perignon.”

Forte, who graduated Magna Cry Loud, immediately put his new degree to work, blasting the Bears for signing a backup.

“So I missed a few games last year. Whatever, that’s no reason to disrespect me and sign some dude as insurance,” said Forte. “Look, if I go down, the whole team should go down. I also deserve to make 200 times more than every Bears fan out there, and you can print that!”