ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A man who rides the D45 bus into town from Betoota Heights each day to do something with a computer in exchange for money to spend on things he doesn’t need is reportedly braindead until noon thanks to a new diet.

It’s called intermittent fasting – or skipping breakfast.

No more pie goes into Dennis Orstrange’s face hole after 6pm each night. He waits and waits, then sleeps. He wakes and he does not eat, he does not break the fast.

Which his coworkers say makes him completely useless until he fuels his body with a bit of sustenance.

A fellow robot wasting his life away making rich people richer in an office environment spoke briefly to The Advocate about how Dennis’ new diet is impacting upon the rest of the team.

“You ask him to do something and he just looks at you,” they said.

“His beady little dead eyes stare back at you. Nothing in them and nothing behind them. The eyes of a dead man,”

“That’s until he goes on his lunch break, has a grande chicken melt and a pint of soft drink from that Mexican takeaway down the road. Then he comes online.”

When asked how Dennis’ eating habits affect the team’s performance each morning, his coworker let out a long sigh and continued.

“It shits me to tears. He’s costing the company thousands in lost productivity. Honestly, if he wants to keep his gut from hanging over his belt, he should just eat better food and run until he vomits four times a week. Throw in some strength work and he’d be looking like Daniel Craig. It’s not hard, you just need a bit of discipline.”

Our reporter reached out Dennis for comment but as it’s before noon, we’ve yet to receive a reply.

More to come.