Written by: Dave Owen

Enjoy the EastEnders actor’s dulcet tones for one day only, you muppets

Vacant cockney codpiece Danny Dyer, best known these days for swaggering aimlessly around the EastEnders set while practicing his default facial expression (angrily bemused), today becomes a London Underground announcer for the day as part of the TV soap’s 30th anniversary celebrations.

The actor will be incomprehensibly slurring over the public address system at Bromley-by-Bow station, presumably encouraging muppets to mind the gap and generally endangering lives by making no apparent sense whatsoever.



I can’t tell you how much I loved sitting in the control room with them lovely ladies in their blue coats who work tirelessly Danny Dyer

Bromley-by-Bow was chosen as it is replaced by fictional station Walford East on Tube maps in the show.

“Our station is at the heart of the East End,” said Sandra Anderson, manager of Bromley-by-Bow station, “and it is fantastic that as part of EastEnders’ 30th anniversary, our customers will be able to hear one of the most recognisable voices from the show telling them that there is a ‘right pukka’ service on the District Line.”



Dystopia is real.

For the uninitiated, EastEnders is a UK soap opera and mainstream purveyor of misery porn, elevating banal unhappiness and ennui into a bizarrely engaging pantomime by a cast of desperately mugging fleshy sock puppets.

Rumours that bus announcements will soon be voiced by Sooty and Sweep remain unconfirmed.