"Progressive Women Are Rotten. Women Prefer 'I Love You' To Sex. There are No Gay Bahus."



Ever watch a saas-bahu show and wonder, “Who writes this shit?” A few days ago, I found out.

I'm not particularly fond of meeting new people, but, when I heard a friend of mine had recently started dating a saas-bahu writer, I had to make an exception.



24-years-old, cute, in a crop top. The crop top made her. The saas-bahu-writer tag unmade her.

I had questions.



Why?

“The money is really good. You won't believe what I'm making. Think Deloitte, or other financial jobs, but a lot more fun. Think pyjamas, and a t-shirt, and sitting around making up worst-case-scenarios for our protagonists. From home. Think!”

(Well, I thought, and then tried to justify my poorly-paying job with:) At least I love my job...



“Look, saas-bahu shows are like the casting couch for junior writers who eventually want to be movie writers. No one wants to do it, but you have to to make a break. Also, why do you assume I would hate my job? I actually like what I do.”



What do you do?

“Give the Indian housewife a fantasy life to live – an avenue to feel powerful, in control, rich even. They live vicariously through the brave bahuranis on our shows.”







These brave bahus. Are any of them brave enough to come out? Any gay bahus on the horizon?

“I doubt it.”



But everyone is riding the LGBT wave here. Wouldn't a gay bahu be great for ratings?

“Our audiences only connect with the moral values they were taught a long time ago. This whole LGBT thing is new. It might work, give us shock value ratings, but in the long run, it won't. Indian culture still considers LGBT to be an illness or a curse. Our shows are only successful because of the perfect family picture we paint. We only write what's 'right' for the Indian audience.”



I assume sex isn't right for the Indian audience either. There's just no sex on your shows! Do your bahus put out at all?

“There is sex on our shows! It's just not the western, skin-show you're used to. For a small-town housewife, sex is an 'I love you', it's her husband draping a saree on her, it's a tiny goodnight kiss, or a caress while she's sleeping. All of this is sex. Sex is prohibited romance. And there's a lot of it on our shows.”





What's up with all hot bahus? Why do they always turn out rotten?

“The more 'traditionally' Indian a bahu looks, the better her value system. So, dark hair, big, dark eyes, a soft voice – all of this helps make a good lead. The 'rotten' bahu – the vamp – is anyone with coloured eyes, who wears jeans and a t-shirt, has model-like features, is tall, slender. Basically, anyone who seems modern, sexy, appealing. A dead giveaway – spaghetti tops. A woman in a spaghetti top on one of our serials is almost always up to no good.”







Traditional Indian girls are good and the progressive ones aren't? Really?

“It's what the audience wants. It's not like we haven't tried modern, progressive dramas. Sonali Bendre's Ajeeb Daastaan Hai Yeh was very progressive, very current. It flopped. As soon as her character started showing signs of being a fierce, city girl, TRPs dropped.”



So even though saas-bahu shows are an escapist fantasy for women, they prefer the women to be weak?

“Not weak. See, the fantasy is never based in reality. It's why we have such outlandish story arcs. These battles are not real. Housewives will never be faced with these situations. But, if you showcase a real-world scenario, it gets a little upsetting. Nobody wants to relate to a situation.”



What's the most outlandish story arc you've seen on a show?

“The show was Bhabhi, and the story arc was basically how Pushpa – the main bahu – was exchanged during her marriage (the dolis were swapped) and she spent a year with the wrong man. It was so painful to watch.”



Is it always the bahu who drives the show? What about the saas, any shows where the saas is just as important as the bahu?

“It's always the bahu. The saas is a plot element.”



Cougar saas – potential plot element?

“No.”



But Cougar saas' husband died a long time ago. She has needs!

“No. She will have a long life of mourning for her dead husband.”



The men on the show must have needs. How long are they going to be okay with 'prohibited romance'?

“As long as we want to maintain the spark. As soon as there's an openness to the love, as soon as there's a confession of love, story arcs tend to fizzle out. You're asking if there's ever a consummation of love, right? Yes there is, and it's a very big deal. It usually takes about two years of 'prohibited love' to get there. And about 200 episodes to realise it led to an unplanned pregnancy.”



Do any of the male leads do anything other than 'business'?

“Hahaha. Of course not. Why do anything else when you always have a 'group of industries' to run?”







Explain sarees in bed.

“What's to explain? There are people who sleep in their sarees in this country. Lots of women do it.”

Because mother-in-laws were once daughter-in-laws. Really?

“The producers name the shows. Don't pin that on us.”







All your shows are very formulaic. Any formulas you want to share?

“I've told you about the spaghetti tops. Then, if a bahu is driving, expect an accident, or a kidnapping. There are no short comas. If an actor goes into a coma, it usually means he's on a dance reality show, so don't hold your breath. Then weddings. If there's too much dhoom-dhamaka and a YRF or T-Series song playing over and over, the marriage will end quickly. There's a lot – everything has a formula.”



How do you do it? You're a smart, modern woman. Doesn't writing all of this ever get to you?

“It always gets to me! Just remember, we're a smart, modern country, but only on Facebook. The rest of the country, not so much. We do try progressive, empowering angles here and there, but it just doesn't work beyond widow remarriage.”



Finally, saas-bahu shows jump a few decades into the future, every 100 episodes or so. Let's jump into the future. Do saas-bahu shows survive?

“If women don't change much in the next few decades, sure, why not? We can introduce your gay bahu by then.”



And... Madras cut.

(We'd name the screenwriter, but it might jeapordise her highly-paying-almost-deloitte job.)



Image source: youtube.com/starclassics