There's nothing like a good, dark bar. The details are irrelevant: The walls could be covered in graffiti or mounted jackalope heads. The floor could be covered in wide wood planks or sticky beer and peanut shells (Hey, we can get down with that). If there's booze, a good playlist, and that ever-elusive great "ambiance," we want to drink there.

But whether you're paying $16 a pop for artisanal cocktails or $5 for a shot and a beer, one thing's for sure: When it comes to bar behavior, there are rules, people. Rules! We spoke to two top bar managers and owners about the most egregious offenses a bar-goer can make. Avoiding these common mistakes will ensure that everyone has a good time. And for crying out loud, charge your cell phone before you leave the house.

1. Don't Snap, Wave, or Exhibit Otherwise Demeaning Behavior to Get Your Bartender's Attention

"Waving your hands at a bartender or server seems like a nice way to get their attention, right?" asks Jeffrey Morgenthaler, bar manager at Pépé Le Moko in Portland, OR. Yeah…not so much. We can see how, at first blush, this seems like the way to go about it. It's loud in the bar, and you don't want to shout over the crowd to alert the bartender to your pressing need of more bourbons. But waving (or worse, snapping) immediately sours the tone and places your bartender in a position of servitude. We needn't remind you that your bartender isn't, actually, your servant; rather, a thinking, feeling human being not unlike yourself. So lose the 'tude and do what actually works. It's actually pretty darn easy, according to Morgenthaler: "Wait patiently. We know what we’re doing, we know who’s next. We’ll be with you as soon as we can."

You want a cocktail? So does everybody else in this joint. Wait your turn. Photo: Elizabeth Jaime Elizabeth Jaime

2. Don't Take Up More than Your Fair Share of Space

Great news: Despite the stink eye you're getting from that dude behind you waving a twenty, it's not taboo to perch at the bar. By coming to the bar and ordering a drink—you are ordering a drink, right?—you're paying for a little piece of real estate, says Morgenthaler. What's not okay? Setting your purse or backpack on a chair. Unless your bag is getting shnockered on amaretto sours, that is, in which case maybe we have bigger issues to talk about. What to do about a night that starts quietly (those corner seats were perfect!) and gets raucous as the evening wears on (now you can't even hear yourself think!)? If the bar is screaming loud and you're constantly being bumped and jostled by other people trying to order a drink, here is an elegant solution to the problem: Relocate to a quieter portion of the room. And speaking of getting shnockered, this is a good time to bring up the delicate issue of sloppy behavior. On to our next point…

3. Keep It Classy (a.k.a. Don't Be a Wastey-Face)

Sure, it's a bartender's responsibility not to over-serve patrons, and you'd better believe they do try to keep things in check. But babysitters they are not, and the bulk of the responsibility falls on the bar-goer—that's you. Paul Calvert of Paper Plane in Decatur, GA, says that his bartenders are trained in tactics to "pump the breaks," like refilling a water glass but not offering more alcohol, or sending out a plate of starchy food at just the right moment. "Sometimes I'll look at someone and just think, 'Your face says French fries all over it,'" he says, citing a free plate as one of his most effective "Jedi mind tricks."

Bars present a unique challenge within the hospitality industry, because on any given night a portion of the patrons are present not just to enjoy a glass of wine or a cocktail, but to get drunk. It's a cold, sloppy fact of the business. If that's your game plan, roll with a designated driver, call a cab, or sleep underneath the bar. Just kidding about that last one.

4. Play Nice With Others

Know what sounds great? Morgenthaler's description of Pépé Le Moko: "We’re a bar that prides itself on being a safe and comfortable place for women, so nobody is going to be allowed to change that. Also? Racism and homophobia can go elsewhere." You know what doesn't sound so great? Bar fights, crude remarks, shouting, rude remarks, and otherwise jerky drunk people. Alcohol can loosen inhibitions, making honesty a little easier, but that is in no way a license to be belligerent, offensive, or otherwise buffon-ish. If you can't play nice, don't play there at all. Alcohol is not a valid excuse, so just because you're in a bar does not mean you can let 'er rip. And, for the record, that is not license to take any argument "outside." Nothing good ever happened to an argument taken outside.