Brand Names and Proper Names

An advertising experience should tout the advertiser exclusively. So it’s no surprise that brand names and product names are considered “profane” from Coke’s vantage point. And not just the obvious ones, competitors like Pepsi, 7Up, or Gatorade. Coke appears to have attempted to amass a complete list of brand names from any industry. Mercedes and BMW are out. So are Heinz and Doritos. And Apple and Microsoft and Google and Android (sorry if you wanted to talk about unbranded fruit or robots in your GIF ad).

Proper names are also apparently incompatible with Coke’s branding, so if you want to celebrate drinking one in Guinea or New Hampshire (or with Che Guevara), you’re out of luck. Likewise if you enjoy a Coke while listening to Nirvana or reading Diderot. Or while reflecting on mythical creatures like the Cerberus or the Hydra.

Oh, and no talk of Bill Cosby. Yeah, that’s probably for the best.

Violence, Crime, Abuse, and Insults

Any talk of violence is out—murder, massacre, abuse, danger, death, slaughter, and so forth. Mutilation, rape, ransom, stalking and other criminal acts are likewise no good. You also can’t use Coke’s images to call people names like dope, dingus, bonehead, cow, or even hooligan. No surprises here, except for the impressive scope of the coverage.

Business and Enterprise

Coke seems to have anticipated folks like Daniel Joseph and flagged a number of terms related to business and free enterprise. We already know that capitalism shan’t be mentioned, but you also can’t talk about going to deposit your paycheck, or about taxation (or, amusingly, overtaxation). You can’t exalt or mock an adman with GIF the Feeling, nor can you talk about how social media might bourgeoisify commercial messaging. There will be no mention of any board’s chairman, nor about what a backroom lobbying effort might indemnify him from. You may not discuss licensing, nor should you ever talk about the consumer.

Health, Medicine, and Chemistry

A large number of medical and chemical terms, both general and specific, are off-limits. You probably weren’t going to mention chlorofluorocarbon or aliphatic compounds anyway, but better safe than sorry. Somewhat more colloquially, arsenic and benzene also have no place in a Coke ad.

And almost anything associated with health or medical issues runs afoul of Coke’s filter: conditions like blindness, dementia and diabetes; diseases like Ebola and gangrene and herpes; anatomical stuffs like blood and collarbone; even a minor condition like an itch or a salve like a lozenge. And don’t even think of reflecting on sugar water’s healthfulness, that’s a recipe for GIFlessness.

Food and Drink

Some alimentary terms make sense to exclude, from Coke’s perspective. Talk of fattening foods like lard or of additives, for example. But then things start to get weird. Very specific foodstuffs have also found their way into the Coca-Cola profanity database. Asparagus and celery are off-limits (because they are healthful? Maybe, but broccoli is ok). If you like to wash down your taco with a cold bottle of The Real Thing, you’ll have to do it on your own time. Coffee and couscous are forbidden, as is the crawdad and the gingersnap. Likewise kefir and pumpernickel. It’s a real problem if you compose your GIF while standing famished in the kitchen, both of which you also can’t say.