Fail usually follows a pretty standard lifecycle, starting from a embryo of an idea in someone’s mind, until it grows into a beautiful rainbow chrysalis in their wild fantasies. Then comes the implementation, and the results are usually hilarious. Lets take a guided tour through the genesis of an epic failure, as our random noob wakes up one morning hoping to change the world.

National Epic Fail

Mr Conroy wakes up one morning and checks his email. “Sweet Baby Jesus!”, he exclaims, “3laws said ‘Fuck’ on my kids’ internet, and something must be done!”. Then he realizes that despite having the technological ability of a goldfish he has somehow ended up as the Minister for Communications. He thinks of his daughter reading on the internet about his failures regarding the National Broadband Network, and knows that some content must be blocked. For the children!

Suddenly, in an orgasm of misconceptions, confusion, and desperation a Fail is born. You see, a noob will always attack a problem with a predefined plan: “I need to achieve X by doing Y”. The Fail will swim around in the mind slowly growing and strengthening, until the parent is utterly convinced of how he will change the world with this exact plan.

The experts are called in. We tell them that achieving X is more difficult than they thought, and that Y definitely isn’t the way to go about it, for several reasons. We offer alternatives, but they aren’t Y, so our recommendations are ignored.

Parental Advisory: Do Some Fucking Parenting

Noobs seem to be able to continue to build truly epic failures, despite clear evidence that things are just not working. They beaver away, singing “Tra-la-la-ladies-blocking-the-ladies” with a big dumb grin on their face. The bemused look on their face when the monster they have built turns around and starts violently raping them is quite hilarious. Guess that dream of being able to go fuck a mistress while the magic technology looks after your children for you isn’t going to happen Stevie?

Conroy is looking surprised that his blacklist leaked, and isn’t 100% illegal content. The lead developer here is still confused when the ‘push messaging without rate control’ sometimes chokes up servers. Fuck. We told you retards this would happen.

There is a silver lining to this cloud. The experts got paid. First Law.