I will never forget the moment that Ruth asked me to write the foreword for her new book. We were in a little cafe just off Finnieston Street, in the heart of the newly ordained coolest neighbourhood in Glasgow. I was still smarting from being mocked by the barista for asking why the frappuccino that Ruth insisted I try was cold when she hit me with the immortal words: “Kevin, I’d like you to write the foreword to my new book.” I remember that she was still dressed in a kind of khaki Daktari suit following her photo-shoot at the newly refurbished Blair Drummond safari park, where she had been cuddling a pride of terrified African lions.

A mile or so away, even as we spoke, the Daily Mail splash would have been trying to fit “Ruth: The Lion of the North” into a 180-point serif heading across the front. “The thing is, Kevvy, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. People keep telling me I’ve changed the face of global politics since I led the Tories to second place at Holyrood and we became Scotland’s official party of opposition. I mean, who would have thunk it, Kevster” and she laughed heartily while giving me a playful shove on the back that propelled me halfway up the ginger beard of a fey hipster nodding in the corner, listening to Arcade Fire on his iPhone 7.

“All my advisers tell me that if Time magazine knew about me then I’d be vying to be top of their list of the world’s most influential women, along with Ivanka and Marine. I really feel I’ve paved the way for a career in politics for many other middle-class, university-educated, officers in the Territorial Army. I’ve changed the face of privilege. In fact, I’m thinking of making that the title of the book: Changing the Face of Privilege. What do you think of that, Kevin old chum? I think it’s rather jolly and perjink, what?

“My showbiz agent says the book is a guaranteed seller owing to my appearances on Have I Got News for You and Question Time, which propelled me right to the very edge of Theresa’s cabinet table and brought me to a new English audience. And I’ve got a new baking series coming up where I visit some notoriously deprived neighbourhoods like Milngavie and Cardonald and bake cakes for all the poor people living 15 to a room because of the SNP’s mismanagement of the economy. I wanted to call it Let Them Eat Cake because, as we all know, when the chips are down, the balloon goes up and the lights go out, there is always cake to provide a light in the darkness.

“I know you’re a bit rude about the Tories from time to time but I kind of feel we connected when I whisked you around the dance floor in that Edinburgh club after the politician of the year dinner. And I feel that I may be able to reach a different audience. Besides, David Torrance told me you do these things for free. Please Kevinho, it would mean so much.”

And so, in the new spirit of post-referendum political unity, here is the first draft for Ruth Davidson’s new book: Changing the Face of Privilege.

“Ruth Davidson is a very able woman who finds herself in the wrong political party at the wrong time in history. Her family background and the circumstances of her upbringing do not possess even a hint of privilege. Instead,they are emblematic of the social progression wrought by the Labour party throughout the 1940s, 1950s and 1960s and which were consistently opposed by the Conservatives.

“Like many other ordinary people from unremarkable backgrounds who did not have to rely on privilege, she and her family have been able to make the best of themselves because the social reforms of the Labour party provided them with access to higher education, proper housing, good healthcare and allowed them to dare to shine by giving them the safety net of the state if adverse circumstances overtook them. In this, they were simply being given the advantages that members of the Conservative party had enjoyed for centuries.

“Ruth says she wants this book to inspire ‘every daughter, every mother, every aunt and every niece. It tracks the great societal shifts that have brought us to where we are.’ She seems very sincere about this, though I feel her case in this respect would be undermined by her continued membership of the Conservative and Unionist party.

“If her book was aimed at ‘every daughter, every mother, every aunt and every niece’ who attended a fee-paying school and who belong to families made affluent by corporate tax avoidance or corrupt banking practices or dodgy accounting, then I feel confident that her message will get through.

“When a Tory wants to reach out to people and tell them how they can make the best of themselves, it’s like asking them to jump in the sea tied to an anchor and with both hands bound. Try not to get into any debt, because the banks that pay for access to my party will ensure you never re-emerge from debt.

“Try very hard to get a job that pays you at least £35k a year. We are the party of the family and if you want to have a family in a decent house and have a bit left over for a car or a holiday (you can’t have both), that’s the least you will require.

“Avoid being sick or having an accident that prevents you from working. I can’t really help you here; thankfully, there are too few of you to make much difference to my party’s electoral prospects. And try not to aggravate your situation by joining a trade union. Once we’ve left the European Union and soon after we’ve thrown off the shackles of the European Convention on Human Rights no one will be able to help you.

“On the other hand, if you’re a woman who is – or is related to – one of those 62 people (53 of whom are men) who have as much wealth as the world’s 3.6 billion poorest, according to Oxfam, then this book is for you. According to my party, it has always only ever been about you.”