How To Enlarge Your Penis: “The Difference Between a Hot Dog and a Salami” So yeah, it’s been a while. We’ve been busy again. But that’s okay, because like a persistent infection, we’re back, and we have a special treat for you today. Many years ago, some friends of mine bought a penis pump as a gag gift for another friend. The pump came with a VHS tape entitled “How To Enlarge Your Penis.” On it, an obscure gay porn star named Scott Taylor walks you through the process of enlarging your meatsicle via meticulous demonstration, and discusses his lengthy (pun intended) experiences with the pump - all in a charming wrapper of bad 80’s DIY video production. The tape was so funny and creepy and amazing that it became a thing of legend amongst our group of friends - but over the years, we lost track of the video, and we feared it gone forever, lost to the world like an ancient treasure… until last night. While digging through some old hard drives, I found a digital copy we’d made of the infamous tape - and now, I shall share it with you. This video is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. There are so many great lines, I don’t even know where to start. For quick and convenient viewing, I’ve put together a 5 minute highlight reel on PornoTube: But if you want the true experience, I highly recommend watching the full 15 minute feature: “HOW TO ENLARGE YOUR PENIS” by Scott Taylor (Quicktime, 15mb) We’ll be back with a “bigger” (pun again intended) update soon. No, really. Posted in sex toys body mods at 3:42 pm

Gays Gone Goofy It never ceases to blow my mind how many talented artists draw really fucking weird sexual imagery. Rob Clarke is one such artist. His works run the whole gay gamut, from your typical leathermen/cops/marines to defecating clowns (?!). Rob is an illustrator who focuses on erotic gay imagery, with all of his men done in the hunky Tom of Finland style. Setting his work apart from other gay artwork I’ve seen (not that I’ve seen a lot or anything!) is that his images typically have a humorous side to them. At least I hope humor was the intended outcome, as I’d like to think that gay illustration aficionados don’t regularly fantasize about Joe Camel orgies:

Rob’s site has a whole section of holiday-oriented artwork, including tax day and even the under-appreciated groundhog day. This little guy predicts six more weeks of anal fisting:

The fun continues in a series of illustrations, many of them famous people in various stages of undress. I’m pointing this one out because why the fuck does half-dolphin David Bowie have half-dog David Bowie on a leash?

Rob seems to have a heightened interest in bodily functions, as is evidenced by the numerous defecating half-donkey men and farting cowboys. Apparently the Wild West was full of beefcake men who would frequently strip down to their boots and hold erotic fart rodeos:

There is also quite a bit of focus on men that are either dressed as animals or turning into them. My personal favorites are the men turning into donkeys a-la Pinocchio, but nude and with muscles bulging and schlongs flopping. There’s many more illustrations of otherwise normal men with animal features (curly pig tails or bunny ears) and men dressed as animals scattered throughout the site. Cock-a-doodle-doo indeed!

As always, I like to save the best for last. There’s one part of the site, the Poodle Parlor, that’s focused on the farting, shitting poodle boy. Each image is animated and accompanied by a dog-related joke. It’s really hard to pick out the single creepiest part of the poodle images. Is it the little white pompadour with the bow attached to a nude man? Is it the fact that he’s farting up a storm in two of the images? Is it the fucking butterflies? You tell me.

And even though this isn’t really erotic or anything, I figured I’d share the link to the Poodle Fitness video because it’s been making the rounds lately and it’s creepy as fuck:

gay, drawn, Posted in animals fuckin' weird at 4:34 pm

I’ve Got A Crush On You: The Erotic Art Of… Stepping On Things. Since Ali blackened my soul in ways I thought previously unimaginable with her most recent entry, I decided I’m not even going to try and compete. In fact, what I bring for you today doesn’t even involve any nudity, let alone millipedes crawling in and out of urethras. No, today I bring you a light-heartedly weird fetish from the fringes of sexuality: The crush fetish. According to the bastion of useful knowledge that is Wikipedia, a crush fetish is “a paraphilia which primarily consists of the desire to see others (generally members of the opposite sex) crush inanimate objects or small creatures.” I was aware of this fetish in regards to the crossroads between foot fetishism and femdom where men like to be trampled on by dominating females, often with high heels or bare feet. And yeah, I suppose that’s weird, but in the scope of things, it’s not that weird. What is weird is the inanimate object side of crushing/trampling, which was brought to my attention via an anonymous submission of a site called tube crushing. Tubecrushing.com is your one-stop shop for all things related to an absurdly specific corner of the crushing fetish which relates exclusively to “stomping and squizing [sic] every drop of liquid mass out of tubes.” This means - you guessed it - high heels squeezing toothpaste tubes: Personally I like the ketchup-squirting action - I suppose this is the tube-crushing equivalent of the cumshot: When I saw all of this, I honestly thought it was a joke. I thought maybe someone was satirizing fringe fetishes and made it as a parody. But further research led me to see cucumber crushing on hercruelfeet.com: …and violent teddy bear massacres on crushmovies.com: …and point-of-view crushing at antatheka.de: …and my eventual concession that not only is this fetish for real, but it’s surprisingly extensive. There’s a lot of crushing of miniature people - Ken dolls and the like - because somewhere along the line crush fetishism intersects with the whole giantess aspect of macrophilia. Seriously, someone needs to build a family tree of obscure fetishes, because this shit gets confusing. I think I’ll save the giantess shit for another day, because it has produced enough bad Photoshopping to be worthy of its own entry - consider this sample, in which a giant woman rises from the sea Godzilla style to reclaim her pumps, which seem to have been mistaken for WMDs and confiscated by the US military: Oh, and in case you were wondering: Yes, crush fetish occasionally deviates into the crushing of actual small creatures, although most of the crush community thankfully won’t tolerate it. There is, however, some pretty nasty snail crushing on crushmovies.com: And to this I say: FUCK YOU, creature crushers! Have your little fringe fetish fun with toothpaste tubes and balloon animals, but leave Goddamn innocent critters out of it - yeah, even snails. Anyway, what I like about the inanimate object crushing fetish is that as far as porn goes, it’s very economical. While mainstream pornographers have spend at least a few dollars to hire trailer trash junkie girls with low self esteem who will let a dirty old man ram a cock down their throat until they puke while two big black dicks are mining their colon, creating crush porn is quick, easy, and chances are you already have everything you need to get started! To prove this, I decided to make my very own crush porn gallery and hope that the crush fetishists of the world will approve of my work. Since I have an absurd amount of miniature things, I’m the perfect candidate for a new crush pornographer. I just gathered together some things from around the house, and asked a couple of the many hot sluts who regularly come over simply for the privilege of servicing my dick if I could briefly borrow their feet - and ten minutes later, I have a highly erotic collection of crush porn images. This inaugural series in what is sure to be a long and prosperous career in crush porn focuses on merciless giant women who squish the life from helpless pop culture icons with their mighty high heels. So, who’s our first victim? It’s-a-him, Mario! Mama Mia! Oh no, Beaker! Nooooooo! Even the Last Son Of Krypton is no might for our ruthless giantess! Watch the poor Xenomorph struggle under the weight of crushing high heels! Ooooh yeah that’s hot stuff! Roboto is pinned down! Where’s He-Man when you need him? Fuck, these pictures are sexy! The merciless foot of doom does what the Turtles never could, and squishes the evil Krang like a bug! Yeah, baby, oh yeah, crush that little alien brain creature! Oh fuck, not Mark Mothersbaugh! SPARE MARK MOTHERSBAUGH!! Admiral Ackbar! The rebellion will crumble without you! Oh man, I’m getting really hot, and it’s hard to type with one hand, so I think that’s enough for now. For my first foray into crush porn, I’d say I hit a home run, no? Seriously though, if any actual crush fetishists have stumbled upon this page and actually found the above photos arousing and have as a result engaged in auto-erotic stimulation while viewing the above photos, PLEASE e-mail us and tell us about your experience. It would make a great follow-up report. Posted in inanimate objects at 2:26 am

Love Bugs

Yeah I know it’s been a while, but sadly, sometimes you need to focus on things other than women pumping gas pedals and men fucking stuffed animals. No, the internet didn’t run out of weird porn, we just ran out of time to find it (again). I hope I never have to stray from pursuing my true ambition: Watching disgusting people doing disgusting things. Speaking of disgusting people doing disgusting things, boy howdy do I have a treat for everyone today! I know Rob and I have often said that our content is really fucked up and shouldn’t exist, but this time WE REALLY MEAN IT! This is seriously disturbing, to the point that I kind of want to hide under my bed for the rest of the day. This is not for the faint of heart, and if you have a penis then be prepared to cradle it and reassure it that you will never do anything depicted in the following pictures and video. So let’s break it down all: In the world of BDSM there’s something called cock and ball torture, or CBT. It’s a catch-all phrase for any sort of pain inflicted on the male genitals. Quite often it will involve things like tying ropes around the gentials, piercing the penis, kicking the testes, or inserting things like medical sounds into the urethra. While I’m sure other groups find bug bites on the nipples and vulva erotic (why not, right?) it mostly seems to be a focused subset of the CBT group. But enough of me yammering, here’s the arthrophiles in action:

Crickets don’t bite so I don’t know why he’s got droplets of blood on his dong. As for why anyone would be into this sort of thing, I couldn’t tell you. You’d have find a man hanging around fucking anthills and ask them. If I had to guess though, I’d say it’s that the sensation of a bug bite is succinctly different from any other type of abuse another person can inflict on male genitals, and because insects are unpredictable it’s hard to tell how they’ll move or when they’ll bite.

Festering wounds are the fly equivalent of a watering hole.

After getting hella crunk on this man’s semen, the flies stagger off to explore the rest of the glans.

Some species of slug?

And I’m not even going to try and guess what those marks are, I just know penisflesh isn’t supposed to look like that. And now, a snippet of a video from the massive and disturbing collection over at BMEVideo (if you have a membership then you might want to check this out). If I played Monopoly and drew an “Erase the memory of your choice” card, I wouldn’t use it on the time I broke my arm, or the first time a boy broke my heart, I’d use it on this. I had to crop the picture down pretty far because I can’t stand looking at the full thing. Good luck watching it, and may God have mercy on us all:

Thanks (?) to my homeboy Jon for hookin’ me up with some samples from his personal collection. animals, Posted in bizarre insertions fuckin' weird at 3:19 pm

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