1. "But you'll be so much happier once you have kids."

Actually, there are no studies that definitely prove that people with kids are happier. Or that people without kids are happier. That said, I'd pretty damn happy right now, and if I had a kid, I'd definitely be less happy. You know, because I don't want kids. Happiness is many different things to many different people, and right now, for me, it's this tumbler of Bourbon, this stack of old Sassy magazines, and this old hairy dog snoring on my feet.

2. "I can't imagine not wanting kids."

Great, so you know how I feel. Except about not wanting kids. We have so much in common!

3. "What do you do all day?"

4. "Who will take care of you when you get older?"

Probably a nursing home. Just like you. Let's be real. Or maybe I'll take all that money I save by not having kids and get a(n EXTREMELY HANDSOME) live-in nurse and also an infinity pool and on my final day, I'll have my nurse-boyfriend hook me into an IV of margaritas and I'll drift off to sleep in my floating pool chair. Hasta la vista, baby!

5. "Kids give your life meaning!"

No, kids give YOUR life meaning. Lots and lots of other things give my life meaning. And also, I hope kids aren't the only thing that give your life meaning, because that makes me sad. And finally, in 300 years, nobody will remember any of us, kids or no kids, so there's that. HAPPY SATURDAY!

6. "What do you have to talk to other people about?"

EVERYTHING BESIDES THE EXPERIENCE OF SHOOTING A BABY OUT OF MY VAGINA.

7. "You'll change your mind."

Maybe I will change my mind about having kids, but I'll never change my mind about you being tacky as hell. If you find yourself about to say this to a childless woman, please punch yourself in the face and then go home and watch Gigli five times as punishment.

8. "You should do it before it's too late."

OMG, are you the ghost of Christmas Future and you know that I run out of eggs at 32 and then spend the rest of my life being a jackass to Marley because I never had kids of my own to be grumpy at? Or are you just some nosy idiot who cares far too much about whether or nor I procreate? Wait, that can't be it. I bet this is this some sort of Back to the Future situation and I have to meet and fall in love with your father so you can be born? OK, if that's what's going on, this is an acceptable thing to say. (Also, I'm sorry that you'll never be born.)

9. "If you've never given birth, you don't know what true pain is."

Dude, that's true. Sucks to be you.

10. "Tick tock! Your biological clock is running out of time!"

Good, that means I'm closer to not having to deal with my monthly period. Bring it, Father Time.

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Laura Beck Laura Beck is a Los Angeles-based TV writer and frequent contributor to Cosmopolitan.com — her work has appeared in the New York Times, New Yorker, Jezebel, and the Village Voice.

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