BEAVERTON, OR—Promising to revolutionize the way athletes gorge, Nike introduced a new line of sauce-wicking apparel for competitive eating Thursday. “Our new polypropylene blend is specially designed to boost performance by absorbing barbecue sauce, blue cheese, ranch, and all manner of drippings to completely eliminate condiment-related discomfort during competitive eating events,” said Nike spokesperson Martin Greaves, adding that the line of T-shirts, shorts, and lightweight jackets swiftly remove excess gravy and jus nearly seven times faster than a crumpled napkin or corner of a tablecloth. “Whether you’re downing ribs during a friendly backyard contest or inhaling chicken wings at the elite level, our sauce-wicking apparel is there at every turn to ensure you are never slowed down by globs of sauce landing on your arms and chest. With our clothing, you will now have the edge to choke down that extra marina-drenched meatball for the win.” Greaves added that the company is also developing a line of extra-thick elbow pads for eaters to use while supporting their heaving, bloated bodies against the table.

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