SENSITIVE men across England have embarked on a pathetic attempt to pretend to care about football.

As the World Cup begins there are high levels of concern among nice, intelligent non-football fans that to admit ambivalence would be like standing on a step ladder in the middle of the high street and screaming ‘Look at my vagina’.

English teacher Tom Logan said: “To me, football is nothing more than a massive PE lesson with the occasional violent assault thrown in.

“But if anyone asks, I’ll mutter something about how ‘I’ve always liked to watch the big games’ and that Leo Walnut should probably have been in the main team.

“This is mildly humiliating, but less so than being mauled by an entire pub.”

Stephen Malley, a father-of-two who was enthralled by the Leonardo sketches at the British Musuem, is indifferent to all sports and often ironically refers to football as simply ‘ball’.

He said: “In anticipation of the impending ball event, I have prepared the stock line ‘I’m really looking forward to the World Cup, I hope Liverpool win’. I’m confident this will ‘do the business’.”

He added: “‘I presume Kevin Keegan is still the best one?”

Meanwhile, Woody Allen fan Nathan Muir is concerned he may have overcompensated by having the St George’s Cross tattooed permanently on his face.

He said: “I thought it would be the best way to avoid hassle, but now I’m not so sure. I should probably get that Nick Hornby novel about the record shop that’s owned by a Tottenham supporter. I don’t suppose you know what a ‘corner’ is?”

He added: “When I go out I’ll probably just stay by the bar, and start cheering a fraction of a second after everyone else, when I’m sure it’s safe to do so.

“I’ll then shout something like ‘Sport is brilliant! As is the Queen!’. It’ll be fine.”