The little pests that keep crawling into every open orifice in your body.

If you have spent enough time living in New York City you will have suddenly noticed the re-emergence of those horrible undesirable little critters called ‘bed bugs.’ As you may or may not remember NY was once a bastion for these little critters at the turn of the last century with the influx of immigrants. This time the bed bugs we have been noticing are not the tiny little microscopic insects that will always exist in large vast numbers but rather of the e human variety and dare we say they are more lethal, annoying, temperamental and toxic than a deceased elephants dung.

Now you are probably wondering if we have anyone in particular that we ‘d like to nominate as bed bug du jour and the answer to that is of course yes and they will be named in successive days once it is clear they refuse to yield to our desires to change their nefarious ways. But for now let us run a cursory glance at the many bed bugs cruising your earlobes and doing their darnest to be the heathen that they are.

1/ The first category we’d like to nominate are the social climbers. You all know whom you are and if having your picture taken by a d level paparazzi or unread social wanna be mags validates your life you are a pathetic loser. You have no purpose but to sponge off other people (your parents principally) and seek validation of your pathetic being by posing in essentially meaningless and vapid journals that of course cater to meaningless individuals like yourselves.

2 The second class of bed bug and ingrate is the publicist. Please stop bugging us, we honestly hate you and unless you are on a name first name basis with us go to hell. We are not interested in covering your new clients sham. We are only interested in giving credence to those causes and ideas that have sustenance and cause provocative contemplation. So stop sending us stupid email about some ass who is wearing a new diamond ear ring or shoe strap- we don’t care!

3/The other class of bed bug that we despise are those art collectves that call themselves art collectives when in reality all they are pathetic congregations amongst wanna bes with wanna be loser leaders. All you do is chain smoke and dream how cool you are when in fact you’re just a non entity pushing a non entity body of work.

4/ Bed bug number 4 that we are fed up with that serves to crawl up your rectum is the celebrity mag. – you guys suck and bore us to death and inspire nothing but dribble and contempt for the rest of society that chooses to think outside of the celebrity box. Other than we love your coverage of Tinsley Mortimer, sort of, but really isn’t there something beyond all of this crap to really write about?

5/Bed bug number 5 is the fashionista. Please get over yourself. We can’t stand the sight of you parading your ensemble mess in the street and treating it as fashion when in reality it has no cultural precedence, empirical standing or sustained contemplation. Thank god fashion week is over cause you frankly nearly ruined the shows by your presence.

6/ Bed bug number 6 is the faux celebrity. By that we mean idiots who go around to all the fashion shows and preen and pretend they are someone. You my dears are just foot soldiers in the publicity stunt warfare. No one takes you guys seriously and you have nothing serious to say, being a paid faux celebrity is just an insult and mad concoction that should immediately go away- for the sake of tears we have with held the long list of names in our roster (for now).

7/ Bed bug number 7 that keeps getting stuck between our bed sheets are the self entitled loafers called hipsters. You guys suck and just because irony is fun to poke fun at after a while we as a society get sick of your distressed sense of value, but then again everyone is entitled to live the way they want…

8/ Jappy girls and self entitled girls who think that going out with a guy means having your ass paid and cashmere valet catered to. We are sick of your mantra that you deserve all the nice things because you have a nice ass, are a model or come from Pokeme town where ‘sex in the city’ illusions exist. And if you are one of those East European Jappy girls please never look our way, cause frankly we never liked the sneer.

9/ Gay boys who act like girls. Stop it – it’s offensive. If you’re sexual preference is for men, please go for it, but for crying out aloud stop emulating false alter egos in order to justify your sexuality, all you are doing is justifying your stupidity. So cut it out, we hate having to walk over your bed sheet mess in the mornigs.

10/ Our best friends. These are the ones who somehow never return the phone call, and after you have saved their ass, building or written 10 articles about them are nowhere to be found when it is your turn for some love. You know whom you are out there, and as much as we were initially inspired by your passion we were woefully turned off by your manic ego and treacherous backstabbing.