Why should panty nationals be forced to chant ‘no sex please we are desh bhakts’?

The anti-nationals of JNU, thundered BJP MLA Gyandev Ahuja, not only dance naked post 8pm, they also use 3,000 condoms and anti-pregnancy injections and consume 3,000 cans of beer, 10,000 cigarettes and 4,000 bidis per day.

These insatiable anti-nationals also gorge on meat as 50,000 pieces of “big and small” meat bones were found on campus, bellowed Ahuja, as a clincher to the argument about bloodthirsty sedition in JNU. With so many numbers of bones, numbers of condoms and beer cans, clearly the good times in JNU are numbered too. If even condoms are now the mark of the anti-national, then are nationalists marked by premature ejaculation? Why should the motto of all college-going adults be no sex please, we are desh bhakts?

Also, just because abstinence is proving un-beerable for JNU does it mean every student there is a smoking gun? Meat-ing people is surely part of university life, part of stripping down to who one really is.

Besides, Indian culture from Kamasutra to Khajuraho reveals the naked truth about our traditions. As for intoxicants, we only need to listen closely to the hallowed refrain of the sadhu samaj: bum bum bhole.

Victorian prudery was never in our DNA, because in the land where yoni and lingam temples thrive, we have a good understanding of safe sex. As the internet joke goes, what do you call a man who doesn’t use a condom? Daddy, of course!

Now if condom use became anti-national then given the number of daddies around, we could be asking each other, yeh kya tere baap ka desh hai? If patriotism is linked to too much self-denial then democracy will drive us demo-crazy. Ahuja’s no-fun nationalism is pregnant with too many awful possibilities because panty-nationals and ranting-nationals too are flesh and bones of our country.

When there’s sex, can lies and videotape be far behind? Some TV channels are refusing to say humein morph kar dijye for doctored tapes. But even so, no one seems willing to bail the cat, in this case Kanhaiya Kumar. Given the repeated U-turns of the police, we are yelling bas karo, Bassi. Of course, the evidence will have to include more than naked dancing and meat-eating for the sedition case to hold. Ahujaji is screaming nanga naach band karo but we must realise that when it comes to politicking about the nation, hamam mein sab nange hain.