How I Knew I’d Spotted a Phony Progressive

They always have a tell

So I was at a local primary event for the Democratic Party. All the party regulars I know have been buzzing about who’s the most progressive candidate in this race (Regional Representative). It was a neat idea. No speeches, just a mixer for anyone who wants to show up, so you can have direct conversations with candidates. I dig it, but this is where I spotted the phoniest of all phony progressives ever, and here’s how he gave himself away.

His name is John Callack. He looks like a square dude at first, and he greeted me with a warm, firm handshake (attentive, but not toxically masculine). Now, I cut to the chase. I don’t need to see his wife and kids. I’m looking for information. I ask him, “So tell me, where do you stand on Right-To-Work laws in this state?” He gives me an unequivocal response, “We need to repeal those laws so that workers can collectively bargain and finally get the rights they deserve in the workplace.”

Good answer. I proceed to the next one, “What do you think we should do about marijuana in this state?” He shoots, “I don’t think it’s wise to smoke it, but we shouldn’t put people away for it. We should legalize it, since it’s inevitable, tax it more than the standard sales fare, and send the revenues to our public healthcare facilities.”

Hot damn, that was a good answer. Yet, I felt something was not quite right. I just had to keep probing. My next question was: “Our millennial residents are going to college at record rates but are experiencing record rates of poverty too. What should we do about the state university system to rectify this?” And his next answer was: “First, we need a loan forgiveness initiative. We can’t expect Generation Y to meet the North Carolinian economy’s consumer needs while being crushed by debt. With that, we should make future enrollments tuition free. That said, we can’t send everyone to college, and we should stop lying to our kids that spending four years of your life like that will necessarily give you better economic prospects, when that’s clearly not working out. If we defended laborers in this state, they could have great careers without degrees.”

A man after my own heart. I kept asking questions, and he kept giving great answers. Income tax? Raise it, but offer cuts for those who reinvest into the green economy and don’t hoard it. New child? Paid parental leave. Infrastructure? Build a regional rail system to combat urban sprawl and cut emissions. Elections? Single-transferable vote for governor; proportional representation for the legislature.

He was the perfect candidate. I wondered where he’d been hiding all this time. Eventually, he pointed out that, to win, he needed support and asked for a contribution. “Sure,” I said, reaching for my wallet. “How much?” He smiled said, “How ‘bout tree fiddy?”

And that’s when I realized that John Callack was really the Loch Ness Monster. “GODDAMN IT, YOU LOCH NESS MONSTER!” I cried. “QUIT TRYIN’ TA GET MY TREE FIDDY!” After all that, he finally showed his true regressive corporatist colors. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you about when someone’s pretending to be a progressive. They’re really the Loch Ness Monster in disguise.

I stormed out of there and went out to my car. In the parking lot, I ran into the chairman of the local Democratic Party, Ben van Dyke. He asked why I was angry, and I told him the story. “Oh, I just gave him ten dollars,” he said. “JESUS CHRIST, YOU FUCKING BOOMER!” I shouted. “NOW HE’LL RUN EVERY CYCLE!”

I tell you, these establishment Democrats enable the corporatists at every turn, and they wonder why people voted for Trump in 2016. If you get asked for tree fiddy, say “NO.”