Dads often feel quite excluded from the pregnancy, the birth and the post-partum period, and they are craving the connection with their partner. Photo: Stocksy

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Your obstetrician probably won't tell you and the thousands of books aimed at expectant mothers glosses over it. But watch new parents closely and you'll see it in the hostile glances, the exasperated sighs or the not-so-funny quips. And you can't help but wonder: Will having a baby damage my marriage? We asked Daily Life counsellor Elly Taylor seven brutally honest questions about marriage after children.

1. Will we ever have sex again?

Yes — but probably not as soon as you think you will.


Mismatched libido is one of the biggest bones of contention after a baby. A lot of parents have the expectation that after they're given the six-week nod by the doctor then it's all on again. But that's really not the case.

It's not uncommon for women to find that their libido is affected for the first twelve months after baby. This can create a lot of conflict if parents aren't prepared for it.

Dads often feel quite excluded from the pregnancy, the birth and the post-partum period, and they are craving the connection with their partner. Often that comes across as sexual advances.

Recognise that it's normal for mothers to take some time before their libido returns and try to stay connected in other ways.

2. Will my husband find my post-baby body attractive?

For most dads it is not nearly as much of an issue as it is for most mums, but it really depends on the husband.

Some dads are in awe of what their wife's body has achieved, and how she looks just doesn't come into it. They often say that they find the new roundness really appealing.

A much smaller percentage of dads take some time to get used to the change in their wife's body. They fell in love with a woman that looked one way and now she looks another way. Many of these men don't want to feel this way and they often feel quite ashamed and embarrassed by it.

3. If my husband is at the business end of the birth will he still find my vagina sexual?

Comments like this often cover up a deeper trauma of witnessing the birth. Birth trauma can wreck a great relationship if it's not picked up and managed.

Ideally the couple should talk about the traumatic birth independently to reduce the risk of re-triggering or further traumatising the other partner. Then they should talk about it together so they both get to hear what it was like for the other person.

4. Will my husband be jealous about my baby's access to my time and body?

Jealously is part of a suite of emotions that dads experience in the postpartum period.

It's part of grieving for the relationship as they knew it. Dads often just miss their wives. They miss hanging out with her, connecting in the ways that were normal for them.

The antidote is to get dad involved as much as possible so that he can create his own relationship with the baby. He can do absolutely everything except breastfeeding. The more he feels connected to the baby the less left out and jealous he's going to feel.

5. Will I love my baby more than I love my husband?

Yes.

But not everyone bonds straight away. For some women it grows over time, for others it's this rush of love, but the feeling that we have for our babies has this protective, fierce, primal quality that often a mother hasn't felt before.

For some mothers it makes their feelings for their partner pale in comparison. This can be hard to reconcile, particularly in situations when you have to choose your baby's needs over your partner's.

It's important for couples to be prepared for this. After a time you will realise that you can grow in your capacity to love.

6. Is a baby a catalyst for my husband to have an affair?

Dads are more likely to have an affair during transitions periods. Having a baby is one of them.

If dads are involved and have their own deep relationship with the baby, and are getting their needs met within the family structure, they are less likely to have an affair.

7. What are we most likely to fight about?

Conflict is normal after a baby.

Ninety-two per cent of parents have increased disagreements and conflict in the first year after baby and 67 per cent of couples report declined relationship satisfaction in the first three years after baby.

Couples can prevent a lot of post-partum relationship problems by having realistic expectations.

The less happy couples are, the more likely they are to fight about surface issues: housework, finances, lack of sex. But they're symptoms of something deeper. The fundamental question they are fighting about is: 'How much do you love/care/respect/think about me?'

Your self-esteem as a new mum or dad is in your partner's hands. It's really important to give each other encouragement and positive feedback. Thank them, acknowledge their effort and tell them that they are doing a great job.

This article was brought to you by Pregnancy, Birth & Baby Counselling Services. For more, visit pregnancybirthbaby.org.au