OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has made it clear he is very disappointed in members of the Canadian public for not electing to do everything they can to stop the spread of COVID-19, which is especially concerning because the voluntary actions of Canada’s citizenry and provinces is the government’s primary means of stopping this pandemic.

“If you don’t go home and stay home, we’ll have to order you to go home and stay home, which we don’t want to do, so I’m ordering you to do it so we don’t have to actually order you to do it,” Trudeau said during a press conference yesterday. “Except, of course, for those of you who have to keep working. You know who you are. Hopefully.”

Trudeau has been loath to declare a national emergency that would give the federal government more power to fight the current pandemic, instead relying on the provinces to act piecemeal and expecting the population to intuit the staggering crisis Canada is facing based on Trudeau’s extremely disappointed tone.

“If we’re going to make it through this without completely upending our society into something profoundly equitable and therefore unrecognizable, Canadians need to want it,” Trudeau said. “There’s a reason we chose a convoluted aid package that people will have to jump through bureaucratic hoops to eventually access rather than immediate lump sum payments and rent freezes. We’re half-assing this for you.”

“Our goal as a government is to limp through this thing with the minimum amount of disruption to the status quo, and in order to do that we need everyone except us to give it their all.”

While remaining committed to a middle of the road response to the virus, the Liberals are nevertheless attempting to pass a bill that would give their minority government unlimited fiscal power without House of Commons oversight for the next year and a half because, seriously, when else are they gonna get that chance.