Headline of the year…

… in a special 12 months for Fifa.com: a report on Sepp Blatter’s keynote speech at Fifa’s Congress in June – an address listened to by 750 Fifa delegates all wearing free luxury watches: “Football as a catalyst for social change: no football without ethics and integrity”.

Best resurrection

Alan Pardew: still in the game after surviving a series of unsurvivable lows – including nuzzling Hull’s David Meyler; being called “dead, finished, over” by Mike Ashley; and seeing #PardewOut trending above #HappyBirthdayNiall and #21ReasonsWhyWeLoveNiall. He held his nerve, telling the press he would spend his evenings polishing his 2012 manager of the year trophy until things improved. Runner-up: Sam Allardyce.

Most entertaining cameo

Felix Magath’s seven months at Fulham. “I’m the right man for this,” he told fans in August. “No one else, I am the only one. Not the special one, I am the only one.” It ended with fans chanting “Get the cheese out for his leg” after Scott Parker went down – a reference to Magath’s faith in applying Tesco dairy products direct to muscle injuries. His confidence wasn’t knocked, though. “I still believe in my methods,” he said in September, after he was sacked. “I certainly don’t doubt myself.”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Joe Kinnear: judged on his signings. Photograph: Stu Forster/Getty Images

Saddest departure

Joe “JFK” Kinnear – who told Newcastle fans to “judge me on my signings”, then resigned eight months later without making any. He left days after the club sold Yohan “Kebab” Cabaye to PSG for £23m without buying a replacement. “We didn’t want to do it,” he said. “Make no bones about that.”

Leakiest defence

The League Managers Association stepped up in August to comment on Malky Mackay’s “gay snake”, “fkn chinky” and “fat Jew” texts, issuing the year’s defining press release phrase: “These were two text messages sent in private at a time Malky felt under great pressure and when he was letting off steam to a friend, during some friendly text message banter.” It was the year’s second-least wise piece of PR, just behind Dave Whelan revealing he used to call the Chinese “chingalings … And they weren’t offended either.”

Best off-pitch performances

Keeping the sports press busy between matches this year: England all-rounder Ben Stokes launched an assault on a locker in March after his first-ball dismissal in the final match of their Caribbean tour, breaking his wrist; Cardiff defender Steven Caulker was mistakenly arrested for stealing a tub of Philadelphia from Tesco in September – then reports of a Christmas party dust-up had to be denied; and England rugby league hooker Josh Hodgson apologised after being filmed in November trashing a Dunedin student flat by running through a closed door.

Best penalty miss

Palace’s Jason Puncheon strolled up to the spot at Spurs in January, 48 hours after tempting/goading fate with some Twitter banter aimed at Norwich’s Bradley Johnson: “Do you want me to give you some penalty lessons??” He sliced, skied and shanked it.

World Cup personality of the year

Mexico’s Miguel “The Louse” Herrera – the World Cup’s lowest-paid coach, spent the summer posting photos of himself and writing inspirational tweets: “Today we arrived in Fortaleza. We are prepared for great things. Who is ready to live the moment?” Enrique Krauze, Mexican historian and polemicist, told the press: “He is so authentic, so expressive. And that is why he is so seductive.”

Meme of the summer

Jonathan Pearce was once best known for Robot Wars and his classic radio commentary intro to 1993’s England v San Marino game (“Welcome to Bologna on Capital Gold Sport for England versus San Marino with Tennent’s Pilsner brewed with Czechoslovakian yeast for that extra Pilsner taste and England are one down.”) Since the summer, he’s best known for shouting at goalline technology.

. (@MarkSalkeld) Jonathan Pearce at half time today pic.twitter.com/YrcTIe0NwB

Best politician

Uruguay’s president José Mujica rallied round Luis Suárez in June when the peckish striker needed him most. Mujica went to the airport to meet Suárez, and revealed Fifa’s “fascist” ban was an “assault on the poor … because he never went to university, he isn’t educated, he grew up on the field”. Asked who was to blame, Mujica told reporters: “Fifa’s bunch of old sons of bitches.” Asked if he wanted to retract that, he said: “Broadcast it, for me.”

Least likely souvenir

A Dorset company’s botched quest to find royalty-free images of the England World Cup squad for use on merchandise led to Barack Obama, the leader of the free world, appearing instead of Chris Smalling on 2,000 mugs – a snip at £11.99 each.

Most confused by it all

@philneville, a 60-year-old radiator salesman from Suffolk, sustained “heavy” Twitter abuse in June for his disappointing World Cup co-commentary debut; and @marcello – a London-based male model – was in the gym when tweeters worldwide started abusing him for the own goal he had just scored against Croatia. One asked him: “why did u scor own goal? Ur not soppsed to scor in dat one. idiot.”

Neatest clarification

Showing trademark contrition in September: Nick Faldo, who was widely criticised for telling NBC that Sergio Garcia had been “useless” at the 2008 Ryder Cup. “In semi-jest, I used a word which, maybe … I could have chosen a better word. If I had gone for lousy, that might have captured it better.”

Social media stars

Among the year’s big Twitter moments: Rio Ferdinand picked up a three-game ban and a £25,000 fine for adding the word “sket” to his bantz; Sky’s rugby expert Scott Quinnell tweeted his mobile number to 61,000 followers by mistake after November’s England v Australia game; and the Lyon president Jean-Michel Aulas, 65, tried engaging with his critics calmly, then lost his poise. He told one: “Your number of idiotic tweets, 55,778, and your number of followers, 1,308, gives a good idea of your reputation”; then urged another to shut up and go to bed. The boy, aged eight, hit back: “You’re not my father, you don’t set my bedtime.”





Facebook Twitter Pinterest Massimo Cellino: own-brand stability. Photograph: Adam Holt/Action Images

Most entertaining owners

Vincent Tan, Karl Oyston and Assam Allam all helped fill the vacuum left after Blackburn’s owners Venky’s went quiet – Allam looking to change “Hull City” to “Hull Tigers” because “it’s shorter”. But none of them kept pace with Massimo Cellino.

The former Cagliari owner set out his core vision in January – telling local press: “Leeds fans have had enough of eating shit and shutting their mouths … They’ve had to put up with 10 shitty years, and I want to make them proud again.” Then he instilled some own-brand stability: sacking and unsacking Brian McDermott inside 24 hours; pledging not to sack Dave Hockaday (“It’s too simple to sack him. If I fire anyone, I should fire myself, or else I’m a coward. I have to control my ego”), then sacking him four days later; axing keeper Paddy Kenny for being born on 17 May – 17 being Cellino’s unlucky number; hiring Darko Milanic (“I don’t know why I’ve chosen him. Coaches are like watermelons. You find out about them when you open them. His qualities? He’s good-looking, what can I tell you?”) then sacking him after six games; and ultimately failing the fit and proper test. His appeal will be heard next month.

Among other top boardroom performers in 2014: Gigi Becali, who continued to run Romania’s Steaua Bucharest from prison while writing a religious trilogy; Brazilian club Atlético-MG’s president Alexandre Kalil, who took responsibility for the bad press that followed his decision to invade a pitch and call a referee a “thieving son of a bitch gangster” in April by sacking coach Paulo Autuori for “poor performance”; and Atlético Madrid’s Enrique Cerezo, who issued a neat rebuttal in September to suggestions that his players lacked class: “These pundits are fools, hypocrites and shits. I’m speaking figuratively, of course.”

Culture awards: film of the year …

United Passions: Fifa’s fast-paced story of football administration. In October, global takings since its world premiere were estimated at £120,000. Fifa said the £16.8m they invested – the same as their total spend on football development in 2013 – was well worth it, as a way to “raise awareness of Fifa’s work”.

… and best breakthrough act

Ronaldinho – accused by former Atlético Mineiro coach Levir Culpi of “lacking professionalism” – starred in a new music video for Brazilian band Trio Temura. The new track followed his collaboration in March with DJ Dennis, called Let’s Drink – with its chorus: “Boot the glass up high, let’s drink/We will enjoy life, we drink/I’m full of money, let’s drink.”

Least festive press conference

Toulon prop Martin Castrogiovanni, asked this month about the views of Leicester coach Richard Cockerill, who said he left the club chasing money. “I never want to speak with Cockers any more. I am the kind of guy that if I hate you, if you are not clear with me or if you have been a cunt, how you say in English, I never want to speak to you any more. That’s it. That’s how I am. I am not fake. If I hate you, I say in your face and I will never speak to you again. Love me or hate me. I don’t hate anyone. Peace and love. I just don’t like cunts.”

Most over-excited

1) Wigan prop Ben Flower spoke of an “unbelievable” chance to realise his boyhood dream before October’s Grand Final, but lasted just two minutes before the urge to punch Lance Hohaia in the face got the better of him. 2) And Bristol City captain Wade Elliott headed into the League One M4 derby against Swindon in November with a Braveheart rallying cry – “whatever they do, we will be ready for it” – and was also sent off after two minutes for fighting.

Best banners

Liverpool fans paraphrased an old Kop song in November to make a point about ticket prices: “Let me tell you a story of a poor boy … 1990 £4; 2000 £24; 2010 £43; 2020 ?” Palace fans greeted Chelsea with a banner reading: “Roman’s dirty money is a disease that has plagued our game.” Roman’s money won. And Legia Warsaw fans displayed an anti-Uefa banner in August featuring a pig, the Uefa badge and the slogan “Football Doesn’t Matter, Money Does.” Uefa fined them £63,000.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Liverpool’s ticket price banner at Anfield. Photograph: Andrew Boyers/Action Images

Best antidote to modern football

Non-League Day in September. Among the top innovators were Bungay Town, who offered a free punnet of mushrooms to anyone who turned up, and drew a crowd of 100 – double their average.

Classiest tribute

The extended pause before the classified results on Radio 5 Live in August – the first broadcast since the death of James Alexander Gordon. JAG would have enjoyed one especially fitting scoreline that day: Stenhousemuir 4 Stirling 5.

Biggest surprise

Tue 16 Dec: English cricket’s managing director Paul Downton: “I will be very surprised if Alastair Cook’s not captain for the World Cup. In September, the selectors got together and spent nearly a week working out we were best to stick with Alastair. These decisions aren’t taken lightly. You’ve got some very good cricket brains involved in them.” Sat 20 Dec: Cook dropped. Downton: “I have complete confidence in the decision made by the selectors.”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Nico Rosberg and Lewis Hamilton. Photograph: Mark Thompson/Getty Images

Best team-mates

The year’s key moments of togetherness for Mercedes team-mates Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg: • Bahrain: Hamilton overtakes Rosberg, who isn’t having it. “Someone needs to tell Lewis that move was NOT ON!” • Spain: Hamilton reveals a plan to break his team-mate’s mental strength. Rosberg: “Break me down mentally? He will struggle with that one.” • Monaco: in qualifying Rosberg, who has clocked the fastest lap, goes off at the Mirabeau corner and the caution flags deny Hamilton the chance to challenge for pole. Hamilton: “People are always talking about friends. I can count my friends on one hand. I am sure Nico can do the same. I am not in his five and he is not in my five.” • Hungary: Hamilton refuses team orders to let Rosberg pass. Hamilton: “I’m not slowing down for Nico. If he gets close enough, he can overtake me.” • Belgium: Rosberg punctures Hamilton’s left rear tyre when they collide on the second lap. Hamilton: “We had a meeting about it. He basically said he did it on purpose.”

Most awkward press conference

In the wake of Europe’s Ryder Cup win, tensions ran high between Phil Mickelson and the US captain Tom Watson, who was sitting a few feet away as Mickelson recalled the strengths of 2008 winning captain Paul Azinger: “[He] got everybody invested in the process,” said Mickelson. “He got everybody invested in who they were going to play with, who the picks were going to be, who was going to be in their pod.” Was he consulted in any of the decision-making this time? “Uh – no. No, nobody here was.” Watson: “I had a different philosophy as far as being a captain. You know, it takes 12 players to win. It’s not pods. It’s 12 players.”

Limpest press conference

When Usain Bolt arrived in Glasgow in July to run in Jamaica’s Commonwealth Games 4x100m relay team, questions quickly drifted off-topic. He was asked about his hopes of playing for Manchester United one day, whether he had ever worn a kilt, would he like to be given a kilt, what he thought about the troubles in Gaza and what did he make of the referendum on Scottish independence. Then an Australian TV crew asked for a group selfie.

Most shameless photo-bomb

Australian hockey player Jayde Taylor had her Commonwealth Games selfie ruined by the Queen in July. “Ahhh The Queen photo-bombed our selfie!! #sheevensmiled #amazing”

Worst spoiler

“It’s a very competitive division. Scott Fitzgerald has also won his way through to the semis, a magnificent performance against a New Zealander,” raved Barry McGuigan in the BBC studio during the Commonwealth Games boxing highlights. An amused Gary Lineker paused, then delivered his scripted intro to the next bout: “Same division now, and England’s Scott Fitzgerald was up against Bowyn Morgan of New Zealand. The Preston puncher was troubled by a cut above his left eye in his previous fight, could he be a cut above today?”

Best teenage interviewee

England’s teenage under-63kg judoka Katie Jemima Yeats-Brown, a last-minute call-up, secured Commonwealth Games bronze by beating Beatrice Valois Fortier of Canada. “I got the call on Tuesday morning at seven,” she said. “I was actually quite annoyed because my mum said I could have a lie-in, then shook me awake and asked if I would like to fight at the Commonwealth Games. I was meant to be doing Laser Quest.”

Denial of the year

Came in October, as Shanghai TV anchor Zhou Liang was dismissed for calling visiting Jiangsu Sainty players “dogs” before their game against Shanghai Shenhua. Zhou denied using the term until a clip emerged of him reading out the team lineup: “No1 is north Jiangsu dog, No2 a north Jiangsu dog, No3 is a north Jiangsu dog from Brazil, No6 is a north Jiangsu dog from Lebanon … No24 is the last north Jiangsu dog.” PPTV: “We sincerely apologise.”

Groundsman of the year

An unnamed official in Romania went viral in March after sport.ro revealed what happened when he laid out pitch markings for a lower league game in Timis after returning from a village festival: “Such chaotic streaks as would bedevil any goalline technology.”

Most passionate rethink

Greece, September: OFI Crete’s Italian manager Gennaro Gattuso shouting at the Greek press in English: “No leave. Leave what? Leave what? It’s too easy for me leave. No, me stay here.” 26 Oct: Leaves. 27 Oct: Comes back. “I’m loved here. How can I leave?”

Most thoughtful

Sampdoria coach Sinisa Mihajlovic continued his run of literary allusions in pre-match press conferences, previewing their game against Verona in March with a pledge to “chuck Juliet from her balcony.” Earlier he set out a broader strategy: “I brought a book today. In it Dante writes of how Ulysses urged his men to push into the unknown, past the Pillars of Hercules. I do the same. We don’t know where our Pillars of Hercules are but if the boys follow me, I promise them, it will not be a ‘witless flight’.”

Worst dressed

March: England’s rugby team had just thrashed Italy in the early kick-off in Rome, and to become Six Nations champions needed France to beat Ireland in Paris, which the French had failed to do only twice in 42 years. So Chris Robshaw and co donned dinner jackets and headed to a spot near St Peter’s Square to watch the game on TV – as Ireland won 22-20 in Paris.

Animal magic

Facebook Twitter Pinterest James Rodriguez and his Tropidacris violaceus. Photograph: Fabrice Coffrini/AFP/Getty Images

The key players in a busy 12 months for animal cameos: a giant grasshopper (Tropidacris violaceus) celebrated James Rodríguez’s penalty for Colombia against Brazil in July by taking a ride on his shoulder; an unnamed but well-turned-out Husky invaded Crewe’s pitch in February; a baboon chased Luke Donald at the Gary Player Country Club, Sun City, this month; Bromley’s 6-1 win over Maidenhead in March was interrupted by a cat, days after a woman told the local paper she was goddess of the Cat People and had been engaged to Arsène Wenger in a previous life “when I was Joan of Arc and he was the Dauphine of France”; an unseen bird relieved itself into Ashley Young’s mouth at Old Trafford, producing the year’s most squirmed-about Vine; the Gleneagles’ deer kept the tourist board content during the Ryder Cup in September; a spider went viral by crawling up Martin Allen’s technicolour cardigan during ITV’s FA Cup show in January (above); Brazil’s Atlético Paranaense fought an ongoing battle against “a well-known local rabbit called Ozir” who “tried to set up home in a goalmouth” during a televised match; Police in Thessaloniki arrested a PAOK fan for draping hundreds of anchovies over the Olympiakos bench in April (left); and prosecutors in Spain fined a fan €200 in February for throwing a dog at a referee during a Comarca del Mármol match. The press reported: “Goofy is recovering at home.”

Spiciest analysis

Viewers of the MCC v Rest of the World match on Fox Sports in Australia in July heard Andrew Strauss airily use the c-bomb to describe Kevin Pietersen. Strauss did not realise the feed was being broadcast abroad while Sky Sports viewers in the UK were at a commercial break. “I don’t think that was my proudest moment,” he said later.

Lowest moral high ground

The ECB thought they had the moral high ground over Kevin Pietersen. Then, in May, Paul Downton told Test Match Special: “I watched every ball of the Sydney Test live, and I’ve never seen anyone as disinterested or distracted. It looked very strange. I talked to every person on the management team and quite a few players, and I could not find one supporter who wanted Kevin to stay in the side.” One week later, an ECB statement: “Some comments were made in breach of a settlement agreement ... we apologise to Kevin Pietersen.”

Best genes

Rugby siblings Richie and Jonny Gray marked their first Test together by scoring a try each in November – the first by brothers in a Scotland game since Gavin and Scott Hastings in 1995. And twins Lars and Sven Bender synchronised disturbingly in the Bundesliga in January – Lars scoring for Bayer Leverkusen in the fourth minute and Sven for Borussia Dortmund in the fifth.

Most professional interviewer

Brooke Graham, a reporter for the American station KUTV, fainted on air in January during a live interview about cross-country skiing in Utah. When she came round she completed her questioning while sitting in the snow.

Least necessary apology

Came from the BBC in February as they reacted too hastily after snowboarder Billy Morgan used some misheard boarding slang to describe how he approached his runs: “I just thought ‘huck it’.”

Flakiest flake

At the Winter Olympics opening ceremony in February one of five giant expanding snowflakes failed to open – but Russian TV covered for it by cutting to rehearsal footage instead. Executives denied censorship. “It’s no scandal, it was an open secret to use back-up footage. It’s ridiculous to focus on one flake.”

Boldest selection

The USA men’s ice hockey team for the Winter Olympics had to backtrack after calling up a 67-year-old Canadian non-skater by mistake. Players were told of their selection for Sochi via text – and the Vancouver man had a phone number formerly used by Canucks player Ryan Kesler. “I’d be happy to play for you,” he told them. “And I think Canada would be even happier.”

Name of the year

55-year-old Mexican skier Prince Hubertus of Hohenlohe-Langenburg: the second-oldest Winter Olympian ever. His ski suit was designed around a traditional bolero jacket, cummerbund and red bow-tie. He crashed on his first run.

Most creative technology

The BBC subtitles machine took a brave run at Man United’s line-up in February, but came unstuck when it got to Adnan Januzaj: “Rooney, Juan Mata, Janet jazz jazz jam…” And a few months later, as Wales lock Jake Ball prepared to take on Australia, the BBC website listed him as “Jake Ballsack”.

And finally: saddest URL tweak

2013: manutd.com/welcomedavidmoyes. 2014: sorry.manutd.com/errorRedirector.html