The Speakers

While those were the types of talks. There are also a handful of types of speakers you get at these conferences. Any speaker can be put into one of these categories.

First there will be the geeks with untested demos . These guys do not have slides. They want to give you a tech demo. Of a product that uses the latest, most unstable version of every tool possible, that runs on a prototype kit that they got from their last I/O or WWDC trip. These guys are found fidgeting with their demo 2 minutes before their talk is scheduled in the speakers’ lounge. The demo, will invariably not work. Then they will tell you, in the most unconvincing tone you’ve ever heard, what it would have been like, had the demo worked .

. These guys do not have slides. They want to give you a tech demo. Of a product that uses the latest, most unstable version of every tool possible, that runs on a prototype kit that they got from their last I/O or WWDC trip. These guys are found fidgeting with their demo 2 minutes before their talk is scheduled in the speakers’ lounge. The demo, will invariably not work. Then they will tell you, in the most unconvincing tone you’ve ever heard, what it would have been like, . Then there will be the product guys , the marketing heroes hidden under the developers’ capes, the sellers , the smart talkers. They will convince the editorial panel in all ways possible it is not a pitch of their product or a blatant marketing of their ‘all new platform that will make developing a breeze’ . (I’ve been on the editorial board. When an interview starts with “I don’t want to promote it in anyway but. . .”, I know exactly where it’s headed). These are the guys who tend to use use phrases like ‘and this is where all the magic happens’. You know when to call bullshit now if you hear this right ?

, the hidden under the developers’ capes, the , the smart talkers. They will convince the editorial panel in all ways possible it is not a pitch of their product or a blatant marketing of their . (I’ve been on the editorial board. When an interview starts with “I don’t want to promote it in anyway but. . .”, I know exactly where it’s headed). These are the guys who tend to use use phrases like ‘and this is where all the magic happens’. You know when to call bullshit now if you hear this right ? Some of us are the regular guys. The usual suspects. The weathered speakers. We have spoken at multiple conferences, and we know the feedback and reviews of the conference will depend more on the quality of lunch, than our slides. We know you’re here for a company-paid day off with free food and some . . ahem . . networking. We know you’re not really sitting here to understand how important it is to set objects volatile and functions synchronized for error-free multi-threading. We know the true reason you are here — you are here for the memes, the jokes, and the gotchas. And we follow the footsteps of lord Gary Bernhardt and the supreme leader James Mickens. (The liberal use of we, if had not clearly pointed out, then yes, this is the category I belong to).

Here you go, meme-ified, on your face facts, about how your Digital money isn’t all that safe

Finally there will be the visionaries . The legends . The torch bearers of technology . The keynote speakers. These will be guys like Ryan Dahl, showcasing his summer project — that eventually turned into NodeJS. Or Phillip Roberts casually telling you about the Event Loop. Or it could be the creator of Wordpress, Socket.IO and Mongoose — Guillermo Rauch (trivia: caught up with him smoking a desi joint an hour before this talk) describing the future of chat. These guys are the reason the handful of serious attendees who have come, are here for. These guys don’t talk code, or 10% performance bumps. These guys talk ideas. But never mind, because you won’t get it now. And when you’ll get it, it’d have been too late to jump onto the hype train.

. The . The . The keynote speakers. These will be guys like Ryan Dahl, showcasing his summer project — that eventually turned into NodeJS. Or Phillip Roberts casually telling you about the Event Loop. Or it could be the creator of Wordpress, Socket.IO and Mongoose — Guillermo Rauch (trivia: caught up with him smoking a desi joint an hour before this talk) describing the future of chat. These guys are the reason the handful of serious attendees who have come, are here for. These guys don’t talk code, or 10% performance bumps. These guys talk ideas. But never mind, because you won’t get it now. And when you’ll get it, it’d have been too late to jump onto the hype train. There is also this one last type of speaker, for whom there is a special place in hell. The guys who propose “Building for the billions” talks. And there is going to be at least half a dozen such proposals. “User Experience for the next billion”, “Design for the next billion internet users” and what not. Here’s the thing — there are only a handful of apps on the play store with more than a billion downloads: Gmail, Google Search (because they’re bundled in every Android phone), Whatsapp (because it’s the new SMS), Messenger (because Mark effin Zuckerberg forced everyone to download it), Twitter and Facebook (because 1 billion adults are shitposting cat pics on the internet everyday). If you’re not Facebook, Twitter or Google, you need to get your ducks in order and figure out how to GET AT LEAST 1 BILLION USERS before you can design better for the next billion. You know who needs to build for the next billion ? This guy. Your app that solves NP-hard problem ? No one cares.

The Networking

.. or huddling around that one Google employee there, wagging your tails hoping to . . . idk what ? Get a job ?

So networking at tech conference is downright favour currying. You are either recruiting talent for your next ‘1 billion user’ idea (if you’re a CTO). Or you’re trying to appear deeply interested in the conversation one speaker is having with another about a language you first heard 1 hour ago. Or you’re trying to ask intriguing follow up questions to that big-company developer who just spoke in the pre-lunch session, and are only managing to ask the most obvious google-searchable questions.

Then there’s going to be that one huddle of undergrad open source developers (who are on sponsored tickets), gorging on all the available chicken and ice cream, and discussing about the best gaming laptop and having a dick-measuring contest about their Github commit-streak. THAT IS NETWORKING. At least they are having fun doing it.

There’ll be also be some horny fellows in a corner trying to make a pass on one of thinly spread female attendees. <serious note> Geez. Please don’t. Like everything else in a shitty conference is still fine. But this isn’t. Wondering why there aren’t enough women in tech, this could be one of the reasons </serious note>

The Sponsor Kiosks

The most important part of the pilgrimage to a tech conference, is to visit the shrine of every sponsor. Because the offerings from the the divine sponsors are what keeps us going from one conference to another. Like literally, all 4 years of college, I did not buy a single T-shirt. Whenever I would run out of shirts, I’d turn up at hackathons and tech conferences and grab a dozen new ones.

Some of the upright ones, like Digital Ocean and Facebook would be having an open table of stickers, pens, notepads and other corporate-marketing-enwrapped swags. Then there’ll be snide data collectors who’d be like, fill up this form and get a T-Shirt. Like seriously ? You think I’d give up some of my real data for a free T-Shirt ?

Then, there are some who try to gamify the heck out of it. Udacity was making us answer a quiz to give us a mug. I just cheezeballed my way with the lady on the counter to get mine. I am sure so did others. Quiz my ass.

Here’s a golden rule about sponsor kiosks. Don’t go asking about open roles and asking about technology. Like just think it over. These companies, who’d love to make you work on Sundays too, have sent these folks for 3 whole days to stand at kiosks and take selfies with attendees. Guess who these folks are ? Yep the temps, interns and the most dispensable ones. They ain’t giving you any jobs. The know nothing about the next SDK release. Get back to the lunch, or the next talk about the next billion users please.