Michael Jordan's Hitler-stache has to have some logical explanation. Possible theories behind the "Herr Jordan" follow:

1. He likes a challenge. Michael Jordan has already sold you everything you never thought you'd buy. I sat through Space Jam, and though I have no specific memory why, I still somehow ended up buying the Quad City DJs' theme song to the movie. Like Michael Bay with Transformers 2, he is testing his powers to see if he can make the public embrace the unembraceable because he is both powerful and bored.

2. Lost a bet with Charles Oakley. Self-explanatory, because Charles Barkley carries an invisible tire iron named "Reggie" loyal to him and only him at all times.

3. He has a deep philtrum. A snot-path from his his nose to his lip as deep as the Marianas Trench, invulnerable to normal razors hey wait...

4. This is a marketing campaign's first stage. Step one: "Do you have a deep philtrum?" Step two: Charlie Sheen points at him, says "Hey, it's black Hitler!" Step three: "Try Gillette's new Contoured Philtrum Decimator, now with 17 Blades." Step four: "Jordan backs over Sheen three times in his car at the country club and drives off clean-shaven." MARKETING VICTORY. (And if he backs over Charlie Sheen, one for humanity at large.)

5. He's the President of Zimbabwe. Always a possibility.