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APPROXIMATELY 51.9% of the British population are to be booked in for hearing tests over the next 57 days or so, in a bid to see if they’re wilfully ignoring the facts about Brexit or if they’re actually just legally deaf.

The tests come following significant evidence that suggests that people who are still advocates for leaving the EU may actually be ‘fucking deaf or something’, as nobody who listened to the facts about Brexit could possibly still support it.

First to be tested will be Theresa May and her fellow party members, who seem to be operating under the illusion that they can still negotiate a better deal for exiting the EU despite being told thousands of times that this is impossible, suggesting that Mrs. May is currently suffering from the medical condition known as ‘deaf as fuck’.

“We all heard the EU say, many, many times, that there was no way to get around the backstop for Ireland, a deal which Mrs. May brokered herself,” said one hearing specialist, studying tapes of the prime minister nodding along as senior EU figures outlined what was on the table.

“And yet here she is; acting like she hasn’t heard a word they’re saying, with her cabinet nodding along like they’re just going to waltz over to Brussels and start horse-trading, when they’ve been clearly told in the clearest possible terms that it’s not gonna happen. They’ve seen these things written down too, so maybe it’s not just deafness. Maybe they’re also fucking illiterate too”.

It is hoped the hearing tests will be completed before Britain crashes out of the EU with no deal, so that hearing aids can be distributed to the Brits allowing them to hear the whole world laughing at them.