Time to get personal. I haven’t had sex in 6 months. Does that make me an incel? Maybe. The reason? I’ve been closely following Liverpool since the beginning of the season, and that has provided me more sexual pleasure than any woman could ever manage. Too personal? Good. I hope this makes you feel uncomfortable. That’s how any opposition feels when they face the pants-shittingly good squad Liverpool have produced. The terrifying attacking trio of Salah, Mane and Firmino. The absolute wall of a goalkeeper that is Alisson Becker. The most solid defence the league has seen in years lead by the big Dutchman Virgil van Djik. As far as the midfield goes, it seems like it doesn’t even matter who Klopp decides to field, they will produce.

Carrying momentum from the tail end of last season that saw them lift the European Cup after an enthralling Champions League campaign in which they produced what has gone down as one of the best Champions League games of all time. The Redmen trounced Barcelona 4-0 against all odds to reach the final in a game that everyone said they would lose. It was every fans dream come true. It was fucking orgasmic. Literally. Both Mo Salah and Jordan Henderson’s wives gave birth within a day of each other, exactly 9 months after the heroics at Anfield that set them on course for the final. Coincidence? No. These guys fuck, and rightfully so.

Let’s take a look at some of the stats to show just how good they are, because it hasn’t been talked about enough already. Although they’re not mathematically the champions yet, it is agreed upon among the football world that they will be crowned champions this year after 30 long years of waiting. Reminder: it’s only February. If they continue on their current trajectory and both Liverpool and Manchester City win all of their remaining games, they will be crowned champions on March 21st, which would be the earliest that any team has ever won the league, by a decent margin. Currently, they sit 22 POINTS ahead of their closest competitor in second place, being Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City. This margin is actually the biggest margin between a first and second place team in the entire history of the English top flight.

If City slip up and lost even 1 of their next 4 games, they will win the title on the 16th of March with a win against bitter rivals Everton in their own stadium, Goodison Park. For Liverpool fans, this is would have a similar physiological effect of taking a cocktail of Viagara, Cialis, and various other male enhancement drugs. Even if this doesn’t end up being the case and city win every game until then, I don’t think any Liverpool fan would complain about winning the title at home to Crystal Palace, resulting in a guard of honour from City in the following game at the Etihad Stadium.

The red side of Liverpool are currently sitting on a pile of 24 wins and only 1 draw. Again, this has never been done before. If Liverpool win the rest of their 13 games, they will finish the season with a staggering 112 points total, shattering the record set by City 2 seasons ago when it was predicted by many that their season would never be matched. To that, Jurgen Klopp said “hold my beer,” and proceeded to put every Manchester United fan on suicide watch over the past 6 months. As much as I could keep rambling about the dominance of Klopp’s men, I think I’ve made the point clear. Now step back, bend over, and let the reds do what they will to the league for the remainder of the season.