The Sons of Anarchy star will no longer play S&M dreamboat Christian Grey in the Hollywood adaptation of EL James's bestselling book

How come Charlie Hunnam is suddenly too busy to star in 50 Shades of Grey?

Age: 33.

Appearance: Almost permanently topless, if you'd believe the internet.

This guy's got big things ahead of him. The Fifty Shades of Grey film is going to make him a megastar. Yeah, about that ...

Oh, no! They're not making the Fifty Shades of Grey film? But what will I take my mum to see on her birthday now? Relax, they're still making it. But Charlie Hunnam will no longer play the dreamily abusive sado-masochistic billionaire pin-up Christian Grey.

He won't? But isn't shooting supposed to start really soon? The film is being released in nine and a half months, so his timing could have been better.

Did he give a reason for dropping out? The official line is that there were scheduling conflicts with his TV show Sons of Anarchy.

Anything else? Well, fans of the book have been insanely vocal about how wrong he would be for the part – they have expressed outrage on Twitter and started petitions – so perhaps he thought better of making enemies of a bunch of middle-aged lady porno freaks.

Or maybe he's actually got around to reading the book. Well, that too. It famously isn't very good, and if the film isn't much better then he'd almost certainly end up as a global laughing stock. After all, if you're going to be filmed saying: "I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia", you'd better make sure it's for a masterpiece.

But this would have made him a household name. Millions of people have read that book. Yes, but only on Kindles where nobody could see what a kink-obsessed fruitcake they were. Actually saying: "One ticket for Fifty Shades of Grey" out loud to another human being – who, by the way, is definitely judging you – is another matter entirely.

Will dropping out this late hurt Hunnam's career? Probably not. He's been in plenty of stuff, from Queer As Folk to Pacific Rim, so he should be fine.

Maybe his replacement will appease the internet. Don't be silly. Have you seen the internet?

Do say: "Fifty Shades of Great Decisions."

Don't say: "Does anyone have Danny DeVito's number?"

• Complete coverage of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie