Asymmetrical Monkey Warfare to Challenge America’s Dominance of Central Asia.

When Senator Lindsey Graham was calling for the abandonment of the drawdown date for Afghanistan, saying “Gen. Petraeus needs to get this monkey off his back,” he perhaps didn’t realize how literally right he was.

It was perhaps only a matter of time with the advent of the “helper monkey” that there would rise an alternative group on monkeys, less helpful in the main but at least as skilled. Enter the terrorist monkey.

According to reports, the US military is growing increasingly concerned that in addition to Pashtuns training in Waziristan another enemy is emerging, a smaller, fuzzier enemy. The monkey terrorist.

This is literally what officials are calling them. Small central Asian monkeys being allegedly trained to wield AK-47s with deadly precision, the first deadly harbingers of an Islamofascist Monkey Army poised to invade Afghanistan and do battle with the 100,000 US troops there.

It seems difficult to imagine, given the comparatively small size of most of the monkeys of the region, how they will manage to wield the nearly meter-long AK-47 effectively. Less clear still is how many monkeys there are, and if they are being trained to march in lockstep as parts on powerful monkey battalions. They do however seem well suited to provoking fear for the already failing war effort, and provide another excuse when the war is inevitably lost.

The Taliban didn’t beat us, the monkeys did.