



The Week’s Most Hectic, Septic, and Apopleptic Headlines

“SHIRTSTORM” AND OTHER PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF RITUAL BALL-BUSTING

Perhaps the biggest news story regarding space travel since an evil white male named Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon”the fact that last week, European scientists landed a spacecraft on a comet”was cheapened and sidetracked when the Internet’s insatiably insane Social Justice Warriors focused instead on the fact that one of the scientists wore a supremely tacky shirt that allegedly objectified women.

Here is a photo of Matt Taylor”project scientist on the European Space Agency’s Rosetta mission”wearing the shirt, the same shirt he wore during a televised interview after his team successfully landed a space probe on comet 67P Wednesday morning. Taste is subjective, and there are those among us who might find his standard-issue progressive beard-and-glasses combo far more objectionable than the shirt.

And here“if you dare to click, because you may end up wishing to exile Taylor to a barren, frozen existence on the comet for being such a weepy mangina”is a short video where Taylor chokes back tears in a public display of severe penitence for daring to wear a shirt that showed women as sexually desirable beings.

“Apparently some people need to feel hated and persecuted whether it’s actually happening or not.”

This latest festival of contrived outrage was dubbed #shirtstorm on Twitter. Atlantic contributor Rose Eveleth”who looks like you”d imagine a feminist science writer would look”angrily tweeted, “No no women are toooootally welcome in our community, just ask the dude in this shirt.” Eveleth obviously didn”t take a very close look at the shirt, because few, if any, women in the science community look like that.

Citing a scant handful of hostile, yet to our minds perfectly understandable, tweets”things such as “We landed on a comet. Can you set your petty bullshit aside?””Rachel Feltman of the increasingly lib-activist Washington Post wrote an article whose headline, without an armpit hair’s worth of irony, said that “the Internet still wants women to shut up and die.” It wasn’t as if the entire Internet told all women to shut up and die”in fact, it was only a lone tweeter who told Feltman to kill herself”yet somehow a Post editor green-lit this fraudulent headline. Apparently some people need to feel hated and persecuted whether it’s actually happening or not.

In England, a popular “laddish” comedian who goes by the stage name “Dapper Laughs“”real name Daniel O”Reilly”has publicly recanted and disposed of his entire comedic persona due to a feminist backlash that cost him his TV show, a comedy tour, and a book deal. Writing for Spiked Online, Brendan O”Neill likens modern Social Justice Warriors to infamous conservative censors such as Mary Whitehouse and says that Dapper’s public crucifixion is evidence of “the new intolerance…the modern illiberal urge to harry and squash and ultimately kill any idea that dares to offend us.”

An American named Julien Blanc”a “pick-up artist” who charges hefty fees to lecture other males about how to seduce women”has been deported from Australia due to online petition-mongering. Petitions are now afoot to deny him entry into South Korea and England.

CR*CK*RS AND N*GG*RS

Vinita Hegwood, a fat black woman who has allegedly been an educator in the Texas school system for 19 years, has been fired after losing her temper on Twitter regarding the eternally unspooling idiocy in Ferguson, MO, which somehow was an ineluctably racial event because the cop was white and the shooting victim was black. In a single tweet, Hegwood managed to alienate and defame both the cracker community and the quacker community:

Who the fuck made you dumb duck ass crackers think I give a squat fuck about your opinions about my opinions RE: #Ferguson? Kill yourselves.

She doubled down on her sentiment in a subsequent tweet:

You exhibit nigga behavior, I’m a call you a nigga. You acting crackerish, I’m a call you a cracker.

That’s fine, so long as no one ever calls you a “teacha” again.

Black New York Democrat Charlie Rangel“who’s been in Congress since 1971″told the Huffington Post last week that he thought referring to Tea Party members as “white crackers” was a “term of endearment.”

In a massive PR flub for the National Football League, the New England Patriots” automated Twitter account publicly thanked a follower who goes by the Twitter handle @IHATENIGGERSS.