More Than Love at First Sight: We Grow to Love People for Their Quirks

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One of the oldest questions in psychology is, “What causes two people to fall in love?”

In general, there are many different factors that can influence whether or not we are attracted to someone, but social psychologists and evolutionary psychologists have discovered some of the key reasons.

Physical attractiveness is one of the most obvious factors. We tend to like those who we find good-looking. For example many studies have shown that “facial symmetry” is often a strong indicator of universal attractiveness, because it signals that a person is healthy and has good genes. Other important physical attributes include height, weight, and body shape.

Another important factor is the “similarity attraction effect,” which states that we are often attracted to those who are similar to us in some way. This can include similarities in hobbies, interests, cultural background, ethnicity, religion, politics, socioeconomic status, and physical appearance (which is why many couples can often look similar to one another).

When we think about “love at first sight,” it is often influenced by these snap judgments of a person based on these characteristics. It happens quickly. We don’t think about it rationally or consciously, we just see a person and feel a certain way about them automatically.

“Love at first sight” isn’t in our control – it’s a spark that happens instantly. It’s an intuitive, gut reaction that happens below the surface of our awareness.

However, what most people (especially young adults) don’t understand about love is that this initial spark of attraction never lasts forever.

If you spend your whole life chasing that “love at first sight” feeling and then trying to keep that initial spark alive forever, you’ll often find yourself disappointed when that spark eventually wears off and you need to find something with more substance.



“Love at first sight” vs. “Long lasting love”

In Aziz Ansari’s insightful book on relationships called Modern Romance, he teams up with NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg to investigate the differences between how we search for love today compared to past generations.

In one chapter, he shares an interesting story about how his dad chose a partner in India where he had an arranged marriage. His father only looked at three different girls before deciding which one he wanted to live the rest of his life with.

The first one he decided was too tall, the second one he decided was too short, and the third one was just the right height. After only 10-15 minutes of conversation, Aziz’s dad decided she was the right girl for him and they are still happily married after 30 years.

How is this possible? How can someone put so little effort into finding the “right partner,” yet end up with such a happy and successful marriage decades later?

Perhaps because it was an arranged marriage, both people going into the relationship knew that they had to be patient with each other and grow together in order to make it work.

There wasn’t an expectation that they would fall in “love at first sight,” but that a successful relationship was something they’d have to continuously build together over time.

According to Aziz, many people today are looking for that spark of “love at first sight.” Then when they find it, they often get disappointed when that spark quickly fades.

In today’s world, relationships often start at a boil, then cool down. But in the case of Aziz’s father, it worked in reverse: the relationship started cool, then worked it’s way up to a boil.





Modern Romance is an excellent collaboration between comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg. The book seeks to learn more about how our quest for love has changed in recent years. It combines new research in psychology and sociology with insightful fieldwork in various cities (including Paris, Tokyo, Buenos Aires, and New York). I recommend the audiobook version which is brilliantly narrated by Aziz himself.







We grow to love the quirks in our partner

While surface traits like physical attractiveness, similarity, and social status play a big role in who we think of as a potential life partner, a recent study also shows that “unique value” plays an important role too.

Often there isn’t a completely objective consensus on who is “attractive” and who is “not attractive.” Instead, there might be certain quirks and personality traits that some find attractive and others don’t.

What’s more important than our “mate value” is also our “unique value.” This includes how compatible you may be with a certain person, as well as different quirks or traits that a person may grow to love or appreciate over time.

It’s not uncommon in successful relationships for individuals to discover more about what they really love in someone. We don’t usually learn about these characteristics in the first few dates, instead it’s something that requires a long-term investment beforehand.

The lesson here? Be careful of only focusing on that “love at first sight” feeling.

For starters, that feeling won’t always last forever. But also, even if you don’t get that “love at first sight” feeling with someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t compatible with you in the long-term.

It often takes time, dedication, and patience to truly get to know someone, connect with them, and build a meaningful connection with them. Be patient with your relationships.



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