ALIEN BEACH PARTY MASSACRE - Rated R Copyright 1996 Inner Visions Group. Reviewed by Dan Lucas on 'a long time ago'

The Characters:

Nagillig - One of the alien thieves. He's the ship's janitor. Anyway, he is the only alien to survive the crash landing on earth and therefore, he must find the Deathsphere before it's too late. Looks a lot like Balki from Perfect Strangers.

Robin - Nerdy, virgin girl of the movie, she likes Bud but ends up falling in love with Dr. Bateman.

Bud - The jock and an asshole. He's a pitcher who has sex with any girl he wants... ...it was good to know he's just an actor. Shot through the groin and split in half.

Glue - His real name is Elmer. (Get it? Yeah, I groaned too.) Alcoholic and stoner whose face is covered by his hair most of the movie.

Babs - Bud's girlfriend. Becomes Bud's ex, when she refuses to sleep with him. Or it could have been when she was gouged with an arrow...

Tina - The resident slut...

Roxy - The visiting slut... ...she is the victim of my favorite slut slaying scene of all time. I just can't give that surprise away.

Jeff and Al - Two guys who really wish they were Bill and Ted, but had to be surfers instead. Real big stoners. Fittingly, a surfboard impales Jeff.

Linda and Charles - A rich couple. (They are introduced while complaining about how cheap luxury cars are these days.) Linda first has her arm chopped off which the doctor pours alcohol on to disinfect. Later she is killed when the alcohol is caught on fire. Charles didn't seem to care much, but then he was electrocuted.

Professor Bateman - Scientist who is looking for the aliens and runs into the party kids on their way up to an old house to get high. He gets his arm cut off, then impaled through the stomach... ...he lives! Just another moment of bullshit this guy dishes out.

Number 2 - One of the homicidal aliens that does most of the killing. Even though he looked like a gimp, I was cheering for him the whole way. Tanning lotion kills him... ...another brilliant epiphany of the Prof.

Lord Odom - The Captain of the evil alien ship. Killed by the Deathsphere.

The Insect Surfers - Not really characters, but the beach band that played most of the music. I just had to mention their name. They play at the beach party for 20 beers each.



The Plot:

If the title of the movie doesn't scare you, then the plot will. This was found in the cult-horror movie section of the video store I used to work at. Things found in "cult" section of my video store are either really original, have a really big underground fan base, or just suck. "Alien Beach Party Massacre" just sucks. I think they tried to make it funny, but it just sucked. A race of human-like aliens (Think Data from Star Trek.) steal a "highly advanced weapon" called the "Death Sphere" from another race of pig-like homicidal aliens. Okay now, get this. The Deathsphere looks EXACTLY like a volleyball and is activated by touching three of the panels in a particular sequence. (Which oddly enough no one knows.) Whoever touches the last panel is erased from existence. That in my opinion doesn't make it a very effective weapon since you have to MAKE your enemy touch the last panel, but what do I know? Anyway, while running from the evil pig aliens, the thieves are shot down and have to crash land on Earth but not before shooting the deathsphere out of the torpedo bay. They land in LA (Along with the ball... ...excuse me, Deathsphere.) and eventually some kids who are having a beach party mix up the sphere with their volleyball and the pig aliens decide to kill them one by one until they get their sphere back. What bothered me was that most of the killing doesn't take place until they go to an abandoned house up the road to get high. (Where they run into Dr. Bateman.) It's not much of a Beach Party Massacre until the end where a lot of people are just randomly shot. But now that I think about it, the movie was just so bad, I was glad they just died, no matter where they were. There were some good points though. It does contain the best "killing of a slut" scene ever in a movie. And Dr. Bateman... ...the amount of bullshit he pulled out of his ass was remarkable. I just have to know how he made a tracking device for alien material before he had ever seen alien material. Then there's the terrible (And I mean TERRIBLE.) special effects. There's just too much of this movie to hate. The lame jokes, all the weed remarks, (I'm positive the FOUR writers were smoking when they wrote this.), the really bad acting, and the ending... (They kill the alien and Glue says "Let's party," which involves spastic movements which they call dancing, I think.) ...just sucked.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Deathspheres look exactly like volleyballs. (But on the box it says "Beach Ball.")

All species have a word for "nincompoop"

Torpedoes on alien ships work like pinball machines.

Beer always gets rid of weed breath.

Apparently, none of the girls in California are that hot.

Californian bands like to be paid in beer.

The guys in California are truly clueless and have no sense of priority.

Homicidal aliens find killing humans "invigorating."

Baseball players prefer baseball trivia to sex.

Alien gimps use crossbows even though they have the technology to make a Deathsphere.

An alien theory is obviously the best reason for people dying around you.

Professors have no tact.

Never tell the girl with alcohol all over her and no arm to hold the candle.

Closets have stairs. (Really big plot hole.)

Aliens have finger saws.

Suntanning lotion is poisonous to aliens.

Professors who specialize in aliens know EVERYTHING.

Stuff To Watch For:

Opening credits - A GIZZ film?!

3 mins - Okay the special affects are crap, but at least the aliens don't speak English

5 mins - "He sounds like a Chicken!" (My friend Steve.)

8 mins - Piglet no! HAHAHA!.

12 mins - "That isn't a telescope it's a microscope!" (Steve again.)

15 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CAT!

19 mins - Ha! That alien is split in half and has a bolt in his head but he's still alive... ...right.

23 mins - This guy has great taste... ...someone kill him please.

30 mins - Why does Bateman have a metal detector? Why did he put on that gas mask? What the hell is his problem?!

36 mins - No one notices the ball glowing with each hit?!

40 mins - Pointless miming.

43 mins - Yes! Please butcher them!

44 mins - Not a single pretty girl in the whole bunch, this is California?

47 mins - Apparently they have walking for miles, it's pitch dark now.

52 mins - Where'd they get all those damn candles?

57 mins - MY FAVORITE SLUT SLAYING SCENE EVER!

59 mins - Rolling head. No one notices for a whole minute.

64 mins - No Professor, a bloody arm by itself is NOT a good sign.

65 mins - "His candle grew!" (Steve.)

73 mins - The old billion volt door trick!

76 mins - PLEASE KILL THEM!

86 mins - Bateman figured out the code on an alien trap with his tongue... ...right.

87 mins - Wait! They walked up to the house, where did the van come from?

89 mins - Even the alien knows the professor's full of it.

91 mins - A Death Football!!!!

92 mins - The "Voice of Tina" is in the cast list.

93 mins - George Willis must die! He seemed to be involved the most.



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