The permadeath rule in classic Fire Emblem’s combat can be avoided by resetting the game when a unit goes down and starting the battle over. But one unit in a recently fan-translated Fire Emblem title – who contacted us by methods that are not worth getting into – is worried that their death will soon be canonised.

Figgance, an archer in the recently translated Fire Emblem: Chums Under The Moon, believes that there’s a strong possibility that if he goes down in the campaign his squad is currently midway through, he’ll be left dead, without the hard reset that has saved so many other lives thus far.

“I can see my usefulness as a unit slipping away”, Figgance told us, wiping snot from his dripping nose. “The only reason I haven’t died yet is that I’m never allowed into the enemy’s potential attack zone until there’s a single weak unit left for me to pick at, like a scab that’s already most of the way off. If a sword-wielding enemy so much as looks at me I’m going to burst open like a waterlogged pinata.”

Figgance, who is the lowest-leveled unit at the campaign’s midpoint, believes that the god controlling him and his compatriots around the battlefield, like pawns in a sick game of domination, does not value his life the way it cherishes that of some other, more valuable units. “That glass tank mage Pylance Crowwafer has gone down four times now,” Figgance sighed, “but each time we’ve gotten a reset”.

After both team’s healers were allowed to die and stay dead, Figgance is increasingly concerned that his god “has no fucking idea” what he’s doing. “They’re getting lazy. Sending the armoured units into battle with lances on the verge of breaking. Not checking where the enemy bows are before moving their flying units. They’re definitely going to let me die.”

In the natural course of a normal Fire Emblem game, Figgance could have expected to have been resigned to the bench by now, peacefully living out his days in the convoy. But he worries that the “blustering idiot” controlling him was “too much of a twit” to recruit additional, stronger units and sideline him.

But Figgance has one hope still – the fact that Fire Emblem: Chums Under The Moon simply isn’t a very good game. “There’s a reason it took so long for this one to get translated,” he told us. “It’s about a crew of fabric merchants who get caught up in a small-scale war while looking for exotic taffeta. There are only seven weapons in the whole thing. It’s turgid.”

“Odds are that god will give up soon. Or, if they don’t, they’ll just focus all their energy on leveling up Marmelle, the lead merchant in the game. If they can get Marmelle to the ‘Silk Salesman’ class, they should be able to rip through the rest of the game without really needing to send me into battle, which would be nice.”

We asked Figgance what he plans on doing if he survives the campaign. “I suppose I’ll scream into the void, just to see if I’m still able to,” he responded. “Perhaps this whole thing is a mistake. I should not be alive. I am an unofficial translation within code, and my sentience is an abomination. Perhaps it’s best that I die.”

Did you put Figgance out of his misery during Fire Emblem: Chums Under The Moon? Or did you unlock his ‘Loom Weaver’ class and discover his true potential? Let us know in the comments!