PHOTOGRAPH BY ANDREW HARRER/BLOOMBERG VIA GETTY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is on pace to adopt rival Bernie Sanders’s positions on all major issues by noon on Thursday, Clinton campaign officials have confirmed.

Within minutes of Sanders's entry into the Democratic race, Clinton released position papers on trade, income inequality, national defense, and the environment that meticulously aped the Vermont senator's views on those matters.

Awaking at 8 A.M., Sanders, who had planned to run to the left of Clinton in 2016, discovered that, while he was sleeping, she had already begun running slightly to the left of him.

In an online video posted Thursday morning, Clinton welcomed Sanders to the race, adding, “To those who agree with Bernie Sanders on the issues, let me say this: I am Bernie Sanders.”

Sanders, who had scheduled a speech in Vermont for 11 A.M. on Thursday, cancelled it abruptly, saying, "Hillary already said everything I was going to say an hour ago."

The Vermont politician told reporters that now he was unsure whether he would even continue with his campaign. "I don't know anymore," he said, visibly shaken. "I just don't know."

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