The Funny 115 - The Third One







#18. The One Where The Editors Murdered Phillip

Redemption Island - Episode Two







Have you ever seen a player absolutely murdered by the Survivor editors?



















Yep, of course you have. You saw Coach. And of course you've seen a couple of the other big ones too, I bet.











Oh hi, stick













Oh hi, stick finder











Oh hi, Oracle











And then, of course, there's the king of everyone who got dumped on by the show.











I wonder if they'll show this on every god damn Survivor clip show for the rest of eternity









But there's one great character assassination that most people tend to forget about.



And it's a shame, because it's probably the most brutal character murdering scene of them all.











Remember this one?











I know, I know. You hate Phillip. And you don't want him clogging up the Funny 115. Especially this high up on the countdown.











My readers already skipping ahead to the next entry









Don't worry, you're not alone. Almost everyone seems to be sick of The Specialist these days.













Phillip













Survivor fans













For twenty-four episodes









However, I dare you to read this entry and not laugh.



















Okay, so here we go. One of the greatest editor dick moments of all time. I'm sorry, I mean one of the single funniest Survivor scenes.



It's either uproariously funny, or it's horribly mean. It's either a Reichenbach, or it's a Reichenbach.



You decide.











The One Where The Editors Murdered Phillip









So we're in the second episode of Survivor: Redemption Island.



And even though we're only four days into the game, it has already been well established that Phillip Sheppard is a complete nutjob.











Nettlesome









In fact, Boston Rob says it best when he very succinctly says...











"This guy, Phillip, FBI whatever. Special Agent."













"He is a piece of work."



Not only does Phillip walk around all day in his saggy pink undies.











Nevernude













He has also already been in a pretty nasty fight with the woman who went home at the first Ometepe Tribal Council, Frunkunkwa.













"Phillip sucks."









In fact, it's now a day after Tribal Council, and Phillip is still angry about the tongue lashing he got from Frinchemsca last night.











SHE DISHONORED BOTH ME AND THE RELATIVE MOISTNESS OF MY MOUTH









And so now it's the start of episode two.



It's time for the all-important "Morning After" Confessional.











Frinchekma was mean to me









This is where Phillip sits down for a confessional at the start of the day.



And, in a very emotional speech, he tells us why it hurts so badly when you insult the honor of a military veteran like Frenpesto did last night.











The wounded warrior







Do you remember this particular speech? Most people tend not to.

If you don't remember it, here's how it went, word for word.



It was actually a pretty emotional speech.









"When I revealed to the girls that I was a former federal agent , it was designed to let the girls know, that I am a trustworthy person."















"And at Tribal Council last night, Francesca maligned my character."











"And I was definitely impacted emotionally."









"Because one of the things... *voice cracks*... about me..."













"Is that I love my country."















*voice quivers* "Having worn the uniform..."



























"That I swore I was prepared to protect."













"And defend!"













"To have her try to take some of that pride that I have..."













"... and having served as a special agent, And earned the right to be called trustworthy..."













"It hurt me. It made me angry."









So anyway, that was Phillip's speech. A very stirring criticism from a military veteran about why it hurts to be called untrustworthy. Especially by Frenchdressing.



And it totally would have been moving and sympathetic if THAT'S the way they would have presented it.











I AM A U.S. VETERAN, DON'T BELITTLE ME











I mean, my god, can you imagine if Rudy had ever given a speech like that? He would have earned all of the Sia money in five seconds.











"At Tribal Council last night, Stacey maligned my character."











"She didn't know how much I love my country."











"But I've worn the uniform. I swore to protect and defend."









"To have her try to take some of that pride that I have, it hurt me."













"It made me angry."













"And then Richard touched my thigh and I got all creeped out."











In truth, Survivor has always had a long and proud history of supporting its military veterans. Whether it's Rudy getting a standing ovation just for winning a challenge, or Ben being handed a million billion idols and being rewarded with a game saving firemaking challenge. Survivor has almost ALWAYS gone out of its way to treat its military veterans with respect.











Especially Cochran, who once served in the United States 3rd Infantry









However...



















This dignity did NOT exist the way that Phillip's speech was presented in the episode.



Not even close.











Butt shots









And so here we go.



Want to see the way the editors chose to present Phillip's "I'm proud to be a military veteran" speech?



I'm almost embarrassed to recap this scene for you. It's so horrible.











We're right at the start of episode two















And Phillip has decided to spend the morning hunting crabs















With a big phallic stick















As the rest of the tribe stands there and makes fun of him











Seriously. This is Phillip's "I served my country with dignity" scene.











We open with a shot of a small crab















Which, if you don't remember, is one of the most dangerous of all creatures in nature













MY FINGER!









And there's Phillip Sheppard, the veteran. Trying to outwit the crustacean.















Stalking













Lurking











Hunting



























"Right there. Just missed him!"













Fuck you, The Specialist









Meanwhile, the Ometepes all stand there and watch him and they mock him.



















Not only that, they then start a little Steve Irwin dialogue between them. Where they start narrating this like it's a harrowing scene from "The Crocodile Hunter."













Mat (in Australian accent): "The foine specimen is creeping up on his prey."

























Boston Rob (in Australian accent): "He has his pink shorts on."

















Mat (in Australian): "They attract the crabs."















Andrea (in Australian): "They're skin tight."

























So everyone's standing there, and laughing, and making fun of the guy.































And this is where the editors decide to put Phillip's confessional.



About how he has pride and dignity.



About how he's proud to be a U.S. Military Veteran.



It's the weirdest fucking transition you're ever going to see.













"When I went hunting for the crabs, you know, you find yourself going back to that primal state."













"There's a part of you that comes to a place where you realize that here on Survivor, you are going to be tested."













"In so many ways."

























So we're listening to Phillip hunt crabs in the background.











THE LITTLE GUY'S MOCKING ME, I HATE HIM!









And we're listening to the Ometepes do their little Steve Irwin narration.











This guy's flat out like a lizard drinkin'!









And then the big heroic American music starts up.





And we get Phillip's emotional confessional.





This is EXACTLY how it's presented in the episode.













"When I revealed to the girls that I was a former federal agent..."













"It was designed to let the girls know, that I am a trustworthy person."

























"And at Tribal Council last night, Francesca maligned my character."

























"And I was definitely impacted emotionally."













ASS SHOT













"Because one of the things *voice cracks* about me..."

















































"...is that I love my country."

























*voice cracks again* "Having worn the uniform..."



























"That I swore I was prepared to... *voice cracks*..."



























"... to protect."













"And defend!"













Come at me, bro!



























*voice quivers again* "To have her try to take some of that pride that I have..."













"And having served as a special agent... and earned the right to be called trustworthy..."













"It hurt me. It made me angry."













"I had lots of emotional feelings going on."



To show that he indeed had a lot of complicated emotions going on, we then get a shot of him pelting a crab with a rock.

























Say hi to Frenchmeska, crab













In hell!













"Got him!"

























"Got one!"









And then?



Right back to the "I'm proud to be a veteran" confessional.



This time, with 150-200% more ass shots.











"And I think the best lesson I got from last night for me personally besides the game aspects was..."





































"I still love Phillip Sheppard. He's a good guy."



























"And that's okay."









And that's how you undercut, and absolutely murder a guy, with your edit.











"Ay-OOOOO-uh!"

























I served and protected!

























"Killed one with a stone, baby!"































Thank you to Ethan Kyle for the Coach/FUBC picture





