Lots of people have been sending me a link to an awful article that ran recently on salary.com. I’d been hoping to ignore it in disgust, but enough of you have sent it to me that my attempt at just repressing it from my brain clearly won’t work.

So let’s take a look. It includes gems like these:

“Try turning the tables on recruiters. Recruiters don’t think twice about calling someone at home so why should you? With a little bit of sleuthing on sites like ZabaSearch you can find out a recruiter’s home phone number and address. Be prepared to deliver a flawless introduction or voicemail and, if need be, follow up with that Starbucks card sent to their home. If the thought of this gives you hives…toughen up!”

Right, because that’s not incredibly annoying or creepy.

“Forget the resume and just send a cover letter that has highlights of the resume quoted. Choose excerpts that are particularly relevant to the job you’re applying for and in the letter say something like: ‘Knowing how busy you are, I imagine it is impossible to do justice to every resume you receive. If you’d like to look at mine, drop me a line and I’ll have it delivered to you.'”

Seriously? In a crowded job market with plenty of well-qualified candidates, expecting a hiring manager to write back to you just to ask for a copy of your resume isn’t going to happen. They’re going to wonder why you didn’t just send it the first time, be annoyed that you’re inconveniencing them in your attempt to serve yourself with a warped idea about how to “stand out,” and probably just delete you and move on to the next candidate, who probably did follow the application instructions. Unless you’re in an incredibly in-demand field, this is terrible advice — and if you are in an in-demand field, you wouldn’t need to do something like this.

“Don’t fall into the ‘send resume and salary expectations’ trap and forgo engaging on your terms. Instead, send a (one-dollar) Starbucks gift card and suggest meeting for coffee at a nearby location. At that time bring your resume taped to a pound of fresh-ground coffee. Remember, one way or another, getting an interview can be a grind. Why not enjoy it?”

This is not a good idea — you will look gimmicky and overly salesy. It will be off-putting to any good manager. You will look like you don’t understand how hiring works, like you have no confidence in your skills and experience speaking for themselves, and like you will be the person who expects to get by on flash rather than merit once on the job. Do not do this.

“You want your resume to be short, concise and eye-popping. Add the logos of employers or big-name clients in the left margin of a single piece of paper. Edit the resume down to less than 250 words. At the bottom put ‘Detailed work and achievements available for serious recruiters only.’ If you can’t get the doc to look slick find someone who can.”

Yes, because that’s what hiring managers want — slick documents with very few details about what you’ve actually accomplished. And the note at the bottom? It might as well say, “I’m a giant d-bag with an inflated sense of self-importance and little sense of how hiring works.”

“Get your references to give you a single word or short sentence that best describes you. Compile a single-page document listing each reference and referrer with contact info in the margin. In the body write: ‘A recent study finds the best candidates often fail background checking. Call any one of us for a personal introduction to (your name) and cut to the chase.’ Follow up, explaining one of your referrers suggested you call.”

There is no such study. This will make you look like an ass.

At this point, I just want to cry.

I swear, this is like the job search version of the advice on getting women that runs in magazines like Maxim — it’s for entertainment only. There really should be penalties for malpractice for this type of thing, or it should at least come with a warning label.