Posted by Nolan Dalla on Jun 12, 2013 in Blog, Music and Concert Reviews, Rants and Raves |

If You’re Under 25, Your Music is Fucking Garbage

You show me a machine or a computer program that can match the stellar majesty of Luciano Pavarotti’s singing “Nessun Dorma,” and I’ll acknowledge it as music. Until then, it’s fucking garbage.

If you’re under 25 years old — or an immature 30-plus — I’m about to set your ass straight.

So, listen up.

Your music is fucking garbage.

There, I said it.

Mindless crap. Eardrum-bursting, dagger-in-the-eyes, ass-bagging, blow your fucking brains out — unadulterated dog shit. That pretty much sums up the type of music that’s popular with today’s young people.

Listen, you stupid sons of bitches. I’m talking at you. I’m your elder. My opinion demands respect.

Your music hasn’t got life. It’s fucking dead. Your music is void of humanity. It’s as fake as a porn queen’s orgasm. There’s no soul. It’s tripe. It’s a carp in the sea of music. The stuff you listen to was created by fucking machines.

Today’s “artists” — there’s an oxymoron — don’t even need to know how to play musical instruments or sing. In other words, no fucking talent whatsoever is needed to succeed today in music. You heard me. No. Talent. Whatsoever.

And, I’m fucking sick of it because the current generation is taking the gold we gave you and dragging it into a sewer.

Listen up, you little pricks. I’m not stuck in some kind of classic rock time warp. Fact is, I expose myself to many different kinds of music. I give all music a chance. Even the techno-trash littering the modern music scene is something I’ve tried to digest, which I found to be like choking down a plate of raw oysters laced with salmonella.

It would be nice to enjoy fresh musical acts. I want to hear new songs. I like some young people, especially when they get my order right. But real music is written and performed by humans, not a fucking computer program linked up to a laser show.

Fact: The more fancy gadgets and distractions you need, the most your music just flat out sucks.

Music should convey some sense of humanity — who we are, and what we feel. I know that’s a hard concept to digest since your idea of a relationship is picking up a new Twitter follower. Where’s the love and romance in the mind-numbing rubbish that’s played at most nightclubs? Is there any conveyance pain and loss? Or pride and joy? How about playing a catchy tune that’s just fun to sing along with?

Is that too much to fucking ask?

I don’t expect to like everything that’s new. As an amateur observer of the human condition, I freely acknowledge that successive generations are obliged to a continuation of the species which sometimes entails pushing boundaries and violating the preferences of their elders. History shows the more radically different one generation is from one to the next, the greater degree of innovations are sparked from such permutations. Music is just one by-product of inevitable cultural and technological shifts, sometimes mislabeled as advances.

Yes, yes, yes! New music should piss off plenty of parents and leathery jokers like me. At least I’ll accept “cultural evolution” as being inevitable, and necessary.

If you don’t believe this, take a look at the past century. Nearly a hundred years ago, traditional musicians hated a new sound called jazz. Later, jazz loyalists despised rock n’ roll and even the early sound of Motown. After that, the rockers hated disco music. Then, just about everyone hated New Wave and the 1980’s. Next came rap music which irritated everyone over the age of 30. Now, it’s hip hop and something called dubstep, which is essentially music made by computers and sound-making software. This garbage makes rap sound like fucking Amadeus.

There’s a reason this “music” is used as a weapon on suspected terrorists, forcing them to wear earphones and being bombarded with such abuse for hours. I’m not making this up. This is the brain-frying shit they put on the headphones and strap to the ears of prisoners who are handcuffed behind their backs and sit naked in jail cells while they are forced to endure this madness. I’d rather blow my fucking brains out, and if I ever did managed to get out, I’d be running off to join the nearest terrorist cell in order to extract my revenge.

Have a listen this rubbish (CLICK BELOW) if you can stand it for more than a few seconds:

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I know what you’re thinking. You want to go after my music. You want to blast away at me. Go ahead, fuckers. See if you can top what I like at the conclusion of this article. You’re drawing so fucking dead you should even be in my game.

So, what constitutes real music? Here’s a list of things I believe to be essential.

REAL MUSIC DEFINED BY NOLAN DALLA:

(1) Real music is created by humans, not by a machine or a computer.

(2) Real music has structure and consistency.

(3) Real music elicits real emotions — of love, loss, anger, fear, happiness, hope, inspiration, or anything related to the gambit of being human.

(4) Real music requires talent.

(5) Real music requires instruments and/or voices.



(6) Real music should be cross generational.

(7) Real music shouldn’t need gadgets or special effects to be enjoyed.

Here and now, I’ll leave you with a video clip of real music (CLICK BELOW). When one of those fucking machines creates a sound that can somehow match this magical majesty, then give me a call. Until then, don’t label what you listen to as “music.” It’s not music. It’s garbage.

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Writer’s Note: I wrote this over-the-top satirical outrage back in 2013, not expecting it to become the third-highest rated post at my website, with more than 100,000 page views. Had I know that trolling could generate such high traffic, I probably would have utilized the tactic more often. That said, I’ve come to modify my position somewhat on modern music. There’s an astonishing array of excellent high-tech, computer generate sound that’s as profoundly creative as anything ever written and recorded. I continue to express some bewilderment at what masquerades as “popular music” today. Much of it is garbage. However, I wish to amend my previous remarks and withdraw the blanket condemnation of anything enjoyed by listeners under the age of 25. Now, please continue to post the often hilariously hateful comments below. Regards.

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