A fictional report written mostly on the 7th April – an April day in which it snowed in London and terror was the UK’s default facial expression

A recent poll carried out by the Daily Mail reveals that the British public find the recently increased North Korean threat of nuclear warfare preferable to the prolonged winter conditions currently gripping the United Kingdom, and much of Europe.

The news comes amid speculation over North Korea’s increasingly dangerous military situation, combined with a bitterly cold snap in the Home Counties.

Opinion expert Julia Jacobs explains that “due to the depressingly awful conditions we’ve had this spring (if you can call it that), much of the British public would prefer to see the nuclear apocalypse, than have to live through another day wearing a coat.”

Nuclear winter is just one of the shocking revelations of the popular current affairs poll, which also reveals a 90% popularity of the phrase “Winter should fuck off,” alongside “burn rapists alive and channel the heat into our living rooms” as the Mail readership’s favourite alternative heating solution.

Astonishingly, according to the poll, 15% of people would consider moving to North Korea if it enhanced their sun tan. Potential emigrant Barry Barrold, 28, explained his rationale. “I know there’s a threat of oblivion, but from what I’ve seen in the news, it looks like the people of North Korea really do have a high standard of life, and their Supreme Leader gets the job done, unlike David Cameron – you don’t see our politicians scoring holes in one… with a putter… on a par 5, do you?”

The evidence provided by the poll is irrefutably backed up by a quick flick through popular social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter – as the UK’s popular opinion shifts towards a desire for impending doom.

Indeed, Instagram’s analytics department have registered a noticeable increase amongst its UK users of iconic nuclear shots, including that of the ‘Trinity’ test of 1945, as well as piles of devastated corpses and gutted buildings.

They also report that on shots of nuclear damage, the ‘Kelvin’ filter has proven the most popular this week, as it “appears to really brings out the crippling terror of the blast.” Further, hashtags used on the photograph social network such as #wewanntnuclearwar and #Hiroshimatake2 have beaten #bieberfever and #omg as the most popular tags in the UK for the second week running.

The press office of number 10 has refused to comment on the controversial findings, though reportedly Samantha Cameron was heard repeating the phrase “please, please just kill us all now,” from the office window yesterday evening.