WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really is,” said NASA acting administrator Robert M. Lightfoot Jr., noting that the eyewear’s design was based in part on a 1588 drawing by Galileo, who was branded a heretic at the time for suggesting the sun wasn’t as laid-back as previously thought. “For generations to come, every time we look up at the sky, we’ll be reminded that the sun is this super rad celestial body that’s rocking a sweet pair of American-built shades.” Lightfoot added that if the mission was a success, NASA would expedite its plans to launch a giant, ice-cold glass of lemonade for the sun to sip.

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