I don’t make New Years resolutions. They don’t work for me and I find that my years wax, wane, change, and renew more in line with the turnover of my biological age year than with the turnover of the calendar year. I do, however, notice that my years tend to have a theme to them.

The themes that played out during the year I was 26 (last year) were accomplishment, growth, and challenge. This was the year I started my MA, took running seriously, and took a managerial position at a new company. It was a pretty high year for me personally, professionally, and academically and not because of fate or unseen forces (I don’t really believe in fate) but because I’m one of those people that will do ANYTHING I put my mind to. I’m incredibly stubborn and driven, these are things I know about myself (and things that drive others nuts). And the very second I even consider a goal it is already a reality. I refuse to let anyone or anything decide my life’s path but me, and so I only have me to blame when things don’t turn out the way I want them to.

That being said, the themes of my 27th year have been vastly different from those of my 26th. I’m getting close to my birthday and as I look back on this year the themes are clear and and without a doubt as follows: loss, heartbreak, and strength.

For reasons I’ll not go into publicly I’ve had the most challenging year of my life, with the last few months being devastatingly hard. Some of these events were of my making and others were completely out of my control, which probably added to the devastation they wreaked on my mental and emotional well-being. I hate not being in control. I was pushed to the very edge of what I can handle emotionally and physically, to the darkest depths of what I thought my psyche could sustain, and then I was pushed farther. Every time I was pushed deeper I thought “that’s it, this is the limit of what I can handle, one more thing and I’ll break” and then something else, something worse would creep up from above and push me just a little bit further, a little bit deeper and I would find the strength to reach upward, and to pull toward the surface.

I am stronger than I knew I was but this strength is not solely mine. I also have incredible friends who reach in and pull me up, who call when I won’t call them, who hold me wordlessly when I’m heaving from grief. For that I am forever grateful. I’m pretty terrible at asking for help, at leaning on others and at admitting when I’m not coping well. I’m learning.

I’m finally coming out of the fog of the last few months and as things start to clear and as I come closer to my 28th birthday already a theme is solidifying for the year I’m about to embark on and that theme is self.

Twenty-eight will be my selfish year.

I have trouble saying ‘no’ to people. It comes from not wanting to disappoint anyone and it’s made for some amazing experiences but it also means I over extend myself. Often I do things for and with others not because I want to but because I feel I should. It means sometimes I am used, sometimes I stay in situations for longer than I should, sometimes I accept being treated in ways I shouldn’t. And when these things happen it’s not anyone’s doing but my own because I so often say ‘yes’ to anyone and everyone when they ask for my help or involvement.

This year is different. My selfish year will be filled with lot of love, laughter, new experiences, and most importantly it will be filled with me. This is the year I will do what I want, when I want, which whomever I want to do it with. With no hindrances, regrets, or misgivings.

Yes my job is important but work will always be there. There will always be a report to review or client to call. I am not irreplaceable, the company will go on without me if I need to take a week off. I am great at what I do but others can do my job to if need be. Most importantly, if I don’t take time for myself, time away from my job, I will become resentful and spiteful pretty quickly. My job is incredibly tough and it takes a lot out of me on a good day. I am not doing any of my employees any favours if I just “tough it out” and work 50+ hour weeks week after week. I’ve tried that…I become a short-fused cave troll pretty quickly and tend to snap at my cat for staring at me weirdly.

Sooooooo, here are some of the things I will be doing this year:

meeting people

spending time with those who are important to me and those who make me feel good

drawing boundaries

travelling

loving (others and myself)

letting myself be loved

camping and hiking

dancing

running (I’m planning on doing my first triathlon this year)

eating good food

drinking good wine

feeling effing great about my body, with all of it’s softness and strength (I’m really enjoying my body these days)

And some of the things I won’t be doing this year:

compromising

settling

over exerting

spending time with people who drain me

saying ‘yes’ to things I don’t want to do

dwelling on the past

spending sunny days indoors

being apologetic for my body (to myself or to others)

helping those who won’t help themselves

And this last point (helping others who won’t help themselves) is something I want to spend a minute on because I spend a whole lot of time thinking about it and because it’s relevant to my selfish year.

Despite what impression the tone of this post may have given you, I do actually love helping people. There’s a pretty big caveat to that though. I love helping people who help themselves. It is likely that the majority of those of you reading this have suffered hardship and loss in your life, you’ve felt pain and suffering, have felt despair and heartbreak and those hardships are real and I am not trying to diminish them in any way. However, it’s also likely that you come from a very privileged sociocultural background. It’s probably safe for me to assume you have access to the basic human rights, probably to higher education, and do not fear for your safety or the safety of your loved ones on a daily basis. I know I am one of those people. I consider myself incredibly privileged and am reminded of this regularly.

So while some things in my life may not be under my control and while some events may not be of my making, I am in a better position than most of the world and given that I am one of the privileged people I am making the most of the resources and opportunities my advantaged position offers. As part of this privileged group the world owes me nothing, it has already set me up in a pretttyyy sweet position and it is not responsible for my happiness, I am.

I’ve known some people who have suffered serious tragedy, the type that would knock you on your knees for weeks, months, or even years. The type that would make you question all that is good in the world and your place in that goodness. I also know people who are not as lucky to be in the same privileged position I am. These are the the people in my life who are the strongest and, perhaps ironically, the people who ask the least of me and who give me the most.

So my selfish year stems from wanting to be kind to myself in a way I never have been, to be there for people who need me to be, and to be there for them without any resentment and with my whole heart – because I want to be there. And it stems from my full awareness of how incredibly privileged I am to have the life I have with the opportunities I am afforded. It could truly all be gone tomorrow.

xoxox

Aviva Bellydance

http://www.facebook.com/avivabellydance