Shocking News: Michael Cohen is a Crooked Lawyer in America

Q: “What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?”

A: “God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.”

Like most things to crawl out of the New York City sewers, Michael Cohen is a creature coated thick with sludge and grime. If you were to place Michael Cohen inside of a jail cell, there is little doubt that he would be able to slide his way out between the bars before sundown. Once, scientists believed that such remarkable flexibility could only be found in cold-blooded reptiles, gelatinous spineless zooplankton, and earthworms. This assertion still stands, in truth, for Michael Cohen is a close cousin to all three in taxonomic rank.

Like cooking grease, castor oil or murky dishwater, Michael Cohen is amorphic. This means that he will take on the shape of whatever he is placed in. His business ventures have spanned taxis, casinos, boats, real estate and the ethanol industry. In each case, Cohen was allegedly hired for his legal advice and boundless wisdom. If Cohen was compensated in proportion to the value of his acumen, then he must be a very shrewd man indeed. Odd it is, however, that a man as sagacious as he is now under investigation by federal prosecutors for multiple matters, including bank fraud, wire fraud and campaign finance violations. Could it be that they were paying him for something else entirely?

Now, it is all well and good that Michael Cohen caught a bit of spotlight. He deserved it. However, in a world where human trafficking, environmental pollution, mass starvation, genocide and political corruption run rampant, it boggles the mind that the mainstream media would spend months covering his payment to a drug-addled porn star.

Well, not really.

At this point, Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels and her representative, Michael Avenatti, are the equivalent of reality television stars on the Trump Channel. Out of everything happening in the world today, the most pressing issue for the media—for months—has been an affair from 2006 with a washed up porn actress with a hideous fivehead. Is there anybody, even among the president’s most ardent supporters, that have once viewed the man as a moral authority? Is there anybody, if they are being honest with themselves, that actually cares about this entire debacle? Is there anybody that even wants to think about an affair taking place with a shriveled up 70 year old man?

Perhaps, if this were somebody that had painted themselves as a messianic paragon of justice, then this would be newsworthy. “An affair with a porn star? How unlike him!” At this point, nobody can say that about Trump. In fact, I would be shocked if he had not paid off several porn actresses over the years to buy their silence. Now, I really hope that Michael Avenatti and Michael Cohen can both find a way to shut up. Go to trial. Get to the bottom of things. Report the outcome, and move on. We get it. Trump had an affair ten years before becoming president of the United States of America. How does this information serve the American public in any way, shape or form, apart from providing unwanted mental images of the president in bed with a strung out goblin?

Some people might enjoy those thoughts, however. Avenatti has been one of the most frequent guests featured on CNN and MSNBC, logging 108 appearances between March 7, 2018 and May 10, 2018. This is more than any other guest in news history. 108 more, and I’m destroying my TV. Let me know when someone is dead or in jail, and I’ll tune in again. Until then, I leave you with this one quote:

“Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”

– Winston Churchill

Lawyers.