Why does everybody in porn movies have that eyes-closed, SHOW ME YOUR WAR FACE expression? What? Is porn boot camp held on Paris Island?

I’m a guy who hates porn. And I don’t mean I hate the idea of porn or the political implications of porn. It’s not like I hate the concept of porn. Hell, I’m fine with that. I literally hate the actual experience of watching porn. I’ve tried. Believe me. I mean, as an American man, I’m obligated to try, right? But, it’s been unpleasant to say the least.

I know there’s a big socio-political brouhaha about porn. You can’t really raise the issue of filming people humping without getting into a discussion of the impact it has in and out of the bedroom. When I have some distance from the experience of actually watching porn, say, when I’m shaking hands with the minister after Sunday services, I can think objectively about it. I can ponder its implications from numberous intellectual angles.

But if I sit down and hit “play” on a porn movie, all my intellectual considerations go right out the window and horrified panic sets in.

I think we can all agree that, society wide, porn is encouraging a rather less lofty approach to the romantic arts. Recently, the Good Men Project posted an article titled Unsolicited Penis Pics.

Ozy Frantz notes, “Seriously. There is a (small, but evident) group of men who think the single most attractive thing they can do is send a woman they barely know a picture of their erect penis, to the point that nearly all my female and female-assigned friends who do online dating have received a dick pic.”

Me, I’m thinking these somewhat overzealous lads have been staring at a parade of extra close-up body parts for so long that they now consider emailing a jpeg of their dick to a girl as the modern day equivalent of a jaunty tip of the hat.

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And even though, thanks to the internet, porn has diversified across an infinite range of erotic interests, the plot structures of these videos remain pretty straight forward. Based, no doubt, on the age old formula that can be summed up as follows:

1) Pizza man comes to door.

2) Housewife invites him in.

3) They both raise their eyebrows.

4) Clothes off.

5) Pizza discarded.

6) Begin humping.

And its the “begin humping” part where I lurch forward, stabbing frantically at the off button.

Because here’s where the erect, swollen, wagging up and down, lookie at what I got here, erections enter the story and take over not only the plot, but the entire screen. The penis enters the mouth or the vagina and we get to see things up close and personal. At which point, it freaks me out. In part, because I feel like I’m WAY too close to some people I don’t know all that well. AND because I know what’s coming next. Good old part two. Just a sure as the sun comes up tomorrow some very sticky body fluids end up on some nice lady’s face. That freaks me the fuck out. And then comes that weird hyper fast humping that goes on for hours. That also freaks me the fuck out.

The simple fact is I really don’t want to watch unfamiliar erections lurching around the screen like a Godzilla movie for dicks. I don’t want to watch 20 minutes of fornication that mimics that frantic high speed horseback riding in a 1920’s silent western. And please. Why does everybody in porn movies have that eyes-closed, SHOW ME YOUR WAR FACE expression? What? Is porn boot camp held on Paris Island? And don’t even get me started on the hissing breathing thing.

It’s not the erections that bother me per se. I don’t mind an erection or two from a respectful distance. Like, how about far enough away to see the actual people attached to the erections? It’s the vantage point. It’s the grinding movement of frantic genitalia shot from six inches away and going on for HOURS.

And then there’s the final thing that hits me when I even IMAGINE watching your typical porn film. Immediately, I start conjuring up the smell. Yes, that’s right. The smell. Like, here I am SIX INCHES AWAY from this…activity. Did these people wash their asses today? Did they bathe? Have they worked out this week or is that sweat they’re dripping kind of bitter and sour? Do they have hangover breath? Did they do too much cocaine last night?