Here is a quick breakdown of the 2014 version of my White Whale, the New York Mets. Each player can adequately be summed up in 10 words or less.

Pitchers:

Bartolo Colon- Box shaped gremlin that gets outs. Everyone loves this guy.

Jeurys Familia- Future closer? Future starter? Out of baseball in three years?

Dillon Gee- Guts like Rick Reed. Solid facial hair.

Gonzalez Germen- Cool name, that’s about it.

John Lannan- Bullpen punching bag, on waivers by July.

Jenrry Mejia- Really good until he gets hurt.

Bobby Parnell- Average closer. Now injured closer.

Scott Rice- Lefty-specialist that will inevitably disappoint. I miss Darren Oliver.

Carlos Torres- The next Pat Maholmes?

Jose Valverde- Fire Marshall Bill out of the bullpen. Certifiably insane.

Zack Wheeler- Our best healthy pitcher. Stud. Harvey, Wheeler, Syndergard. Boner alert.

Batters:

Travis d’Arnaud- Soft like the 2nd “d” in d’Arnaud.

Anthony Recker- Meh backup behind injury-prone starter. Will play a lot. Ughhhh.

Ike Davis- Will become an All-Star somewhere else.

Lucas Duda- Will remain average in New York.

Daniel Murphy- Hitter, overachiever, hard worker, never seems to be enough.

Omar Quintanilla- The Big 0 (That’s a zero).

Josh Satin- Our best first baseman? Maybe…

Ruben Tejada- I believe, but organization seemingly doesn’t. F the Drew family.

David Wright- ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Andrew Brown- Great baseball name, average baesball player.

Curtis Granderson- Not Jason Bay, I swear! True leader.

Juan Lagares- 2014-2024 Gold Glove Winner

Chris Young- K, HR, K, DL.

Eric Young- High SB, Low OBP. Please don’t start him over Lagares.