Donald Trump is reportedly considering retirement from assholedom, after receiving a bloody nose from Democrats in the mid-terms. Key aides to Trump have spoken of his unusually downbeat nature after control of the House was wrestled away from Republicans, thereby ending one-party rule in Washington.

“He’s been very down about it” said one source close to The President. “When he tweeted about losing the House, he only referred to it as a ‘tremendous success’. That’s actually very negative language, for him. We expected him to say something like ‘the most bigly great success in the history of ever’.”

“So you can tell right away that the loss is getting to him. He’s taking a long look in the mirror right now, and asking himself whether or not he’s a good person, the right man to lead.”

Speculation had been rife as to how the mid-terms would shape the political landscape leading up to the 2020 Presidential election. However, few would have predicted a fundamental rethink from the Republican party’s most polarising figure. Our source continued:

“I mean, everyone knows that he [Trump] is about as much use as a hatful of busted assholes. But it seems like now that message has actually been driven home. You can see him trying harder, being nicer to people, at times almost humble. He’s decided to have a rethink on his ideas about immigration, healthcare – absolutely everything is on the table right now.”

“We’re even considering changing the 2020 slogan from MAGA into something else. Some people floated the idea of ‘MAIA – Make America Inclusive Again’. I personally prefer ‘Creating a Liberal, Inclusive Tomorrow’. There is a slight drawback to that one in terms of the acronym, but we’ll find a way around it.”

Read more:

News | Society | Sport | Opinion