Today's guff never wants to see another crudite

When you care about someone, it's amazing what you'll row about. Yesterday, for example, the Mill and Mrs Mill had a heated exchange about radishes or, more specifically, whether radishes were an acceptable addition to our meal when we already had batons of celery, carrot, pepper and cucumber in the fridge. The Mill's perfectly reasonable assertion that these remnants from Tuesday's supper were more than adequate and the refusal to prepare said radishes brought slammed doors and half an hour of frosty silence during the first half of England's World Cup qualifier against Ukraine.

And in the end we had radishes.

Well, she had radishes.

It just goes to show how quickly mountains can form from molehills. Juventus striker David Trezeguet may not have known what he was starting when moaning at Claudio Ranieri earlier this week, but now the Juve manager has branded the Frenchman "a spoilt brat" and the pair are communicating to each other only through notes left on the fridge. Chelsea want to rescue Trezeguet from the awkward make-up conversation*.

Ashley Young hasn't fallen out with anyone at Aston Villa, but he's also high on Chelsea's summer shopping list, while elsewhere in the Premier League a series of stand-offs are developing between clubs with similar interests.

Blackburn, Aston Villa and Newcastle all have their markers pens out and want to scrawl their names on the side of Coventry's Daniel Fox.

Harry Redknapp has already divvied up the CDs and picked up all his clothes following his break up from Portsmouth, but he's set for another custody battle, with Pompey and Tottenham ready to battle it out over West Brom's Robert Koren.

Nancy's Michael Chretien is wishing he hadn't come to this party, what with Manchester City, West Ham and Blackburn bickering over who gets to take him home.

Alvaro Negredo says he is happy with Almeria, but that won't stop Fulham, Aston Villa and Real Madrid throwing stones at his window in the middle of the night.

Arsenal, Newcastle, Fulham, West Ham and Tottenham have thrown their keys into the bowl and are hoping Charlton's Jonjo Shelvey picks them out.

And, as the Mill realises that his riff has drifted from something weak about arguments to something equally week but vaguely sexual, Manchester United are peeping through their garden fence to admire the shape of Gelson Fernandes stretched out on Manchester City's lawn.

* Not in a "Why are you wearing my lipstick?" sense, obviously.

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