AP Photo/Ted S. Warren

The merits of the actual intercourse boner are as profound as they are obvious and so rather than expounding on its virtues I'd like to spend this caption explaining why I have not chosen this boner for the top spot.

The actual intercourse boner holds an enormous, almost frightening amount of power. Wielded correctly, the actual intercourse boner can improve relationships, boost mental health, and open to you new and exciting worlds of human experience. It can also bring life into the world.

And yet. The vagaries of the actual intercourse boner are legendary and at some point in your life even you may encounter one of them, you virile stallion. Maladies of the actual intercourse boner can destroy relationships, diminish mental health, and even kill. It can also bring life into the world.

So the question is whether a boner with this much capacity for destruction, with its whims and its occasional bad will and its hostility to alcohol, if this boner can be named the best boner of all boners.

I say: no.