By: Heather Seebach





It's that time of year again - Valentine's Day. This day of love is hated by single folks everywhere, so I decided to dedicate my latest article to something both married and single folks can enjoy today - PORN! Better yet, horror porn parodies! Now, surprisingly, there are a LOT of these, but here I am gonna focus on the older, more obscure, or just total wtf entries. Yo u'll laugh, you'll cry, y ou'll jizz everywhere. Enjoy!

Texas Dildo Masquerade (1998)

The Texas Vibrator Massacre (2008) i s kinda like a XXX version of the 2003 Texas Chain S aw Massacre remake , but I prefer th e Texas Dildo Mas querade becau se it fo llows Tobe Hooper's original closely (and hilariously). Instead of Leatherface, there is Pussyface and his/her crazy family who makes dildos . There are even dildos hanging from the cieling instead of meat hooks. Amazing. The film stars Tabitha Stevens a nd, in the role of the wheelchair -bound Franklin , Ron Jeremy.

A surprisingly good re-creation of the last scene .

Gums (1976)

Right on the heels of Steven Spielberg's hit Jaws came the aptly-titled (softcore) porn parody, Gums. Instead of a great white eating the locals, it is a horny mermaid who blows men until their cocks fall off. There are also horny hand puppets, Nazis, and endless dick jokes.

Re-Penetrator (2004)

If bloody blow jobs are your thing, look no further. Every sex scene in this one is soaked in red whi ch, even to a gore - hound like me, is pretty revolting. In this paro dy, D r . Hubert Breast (ha ) re -animates his dead stripper girlfriend and they... oh, you know.





Porno Holocau st (1 981)

Directed by

Joe D'Amato , this Itali an porno obviously follows in the tradition of Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Fero x . A group of scientists studying a n island nuclear testing site are attacked by mutants. And in between there 's a bunch of fucking. This was shot concurrently with D'Amato's Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, which is pretty similar.



Evil Head (2012)

Of the porn parodies on this list, I think this one has the highest pr oduction value. The set, costumes, and make-up look great , and it looks very faithful to the firs t two films. This one is from the same people behind Re-Penetrator, but it already looks way better, ta ke a look:

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Driller : A Sexual Thriller (1984)

Yep, the John Landis - directed M ichael Jackson video has a porn parod y. In this one, a female fan of "Mr . J" has sexual fantasies about the pop singer which involve zombies, werewolves, hunchbacks, and Richard Nixon masks.

Hung Wankenstein (2001)

Okay, so this isn't strictly horror, but I could not resist that title.

A parody of a parody, this porno takes on Mel Brook's classic Young Frankenstein , with a failed doctor traveling to his grandfather's estate to create a monster.

Only somehow that leads to fucking and sucking. Evidently , this one is very funny. There's even a literal "roll-in-ze-hay" sex scene !





Terrors from the Clit (1998)





Here's another brilliant ti tle I could not resist. Who knew that Tales from the Crypt had a porn parody?! Well, it's pretty loose, but it does involve fi ve stories, hosted by a punny fella named the " Clit Master ." So ld!





The XXXorcist (2006)

In this follow-up to Re-Penetrator, Father M erkin has to literally fuck the devil out of yo ung Regan MacFeel . As you migh t expect, a c rucifix gets put naught y places and Satan squirts split pea soup. As th e tagline says, " When the Devil is inside, the power of Christ cumpels you!"

Gayracula (1983)

That photo says it all, huh? But wait - the lead vampire character is named Count Gay lord. He stalks the streets of Los Angeles for victims and his nemesis named ...w ait for it... Marquis de Sue de.

** Bo nus: Ikase Royale (????)



This is a bonus since Battle Royale is not horror per say, but it is generally adored by us horro r fans.

In this one, Japanese pornstars in s chool uniforms a re forced not to survive, but to go without sex . The competitors are given a bag containing a sex t oy. The winner of the competition girl is rewarded with sex from the teacher (s orry, it's not Takeshi Kitano ).

If yo u're really into these porn parodies, you can find a TON of them. These all exist:

The Human Sexipede, Scream XXX, Friday the 13th Porn Parody, This Ain't Jaws, Silence of the Lambs Porn Parody, The Blair Witch A Triple X Thriller, Saw: A Hardcore Parody, Twilight Zone Porn Parody, Paranormal Activity: A Hardcore Parody, An American Werewolf in London Porn Parody, This Isn't Piranha 3DD, etc. etc.





Happy V alentine's D ay!