

I've known for a long time that this is a major problem for me. I have a severe mistrust of people. I never expect them to give back what I've given. I've been disappointed many, many times, but honestly, I don't know if I can say even that warrants my mistrust. Over the past few years, I've done things like turn off my phone after I call someone and leave a message, so as not to know if they called back or not, (to avoid disappointment), which would inevitably lead to their saying in our next conversation, "I called you, but you never answer." Still though, I continue my self-destructive ways.



I remember one of the only times I've ever thrown anything for myself, a few years ago for my 25th birthday (I'm 29 now), and in my eyes it was a disaster. No one except a couple reliable friends came, everyone else had an excuse. Even a "close" friend (our b-days are days apart) who I was hosting the party with backed out at the last minute. I was devastated. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt devastated, like, "God, here I am, I made the effort, and it blew up in my face." So of course, I haven't thrown anything since, just attended other people's gatherings. I never get my moment in the sun because I'm afraid people either 1) don't know me enough to attend or 2) don't care enough, both which would hurt like hell. I don't think I can take another 25th b-day party, I just don't. So I never even try.



But it makes me sad. I don't know if I'll ever get married, but over the years, the only thing I've obsessed over when thinking about that day is, "would anyone come? Could I handle being the center of attention like that?" Those thoughts scare the begeezus out of me, truly. But I worry now because this was semi-okay when I was younger, but now it's not a phase, it's become a way of life, and it makes me feel like my life is passing me by. Yet I don't know how to trust others enough to include them in my life in a healthy, normal way. I don't know what to do. Can anyone either 1) tell me what's wrong with me or 2) tell me how to fix it?



P.S. I went to therapy a few years ago (after the 25th b-day debacle, surprise, surprise) for about a year and I found it helpful, but I don't know if that's what I need anymore. I don't know what I need to get past this, I really don't.

"Why do you do that? Stop it. Let other people bless you. You're always supporting others, why don't you let others show support for you?" This is what a co-worker said to me today when scolding me about my not wanting to have a promotion luncheon and moving to another area. This has happened like three times in as many years. After many excuses, I finally conceded to her "I don't know."