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I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been having a group conversation and when the topic of blowjobs come up, girls seem supremely shocked when told that some girls give awful blowjobs.

‘But how can they not be good? What do you mean?’

And then upon explaining the failure in felatiatory (Not convinced that’s really a word but I like the way it sounds) the girls then become incredulous! My point is that I’m pretty sure every girl or guy for that matter, would respond with the same incredulity and insist that would never be the case with them.

And yet I have had some aaaaaaawful blowjobs. And I know I’m not alone in this. Likewise I’ve spoken with many of my female friends who have told stories of guys giving laughably bad oral loving (alphabet technique anyone? 😒), but that’s for another post.

‘TRUST ME, there are probably more girls giving average/bad blowjobs, than giving great ones.’

Now I know they say never trust a man that says trust me, but TRUST ME, there are probably more girls giving average/bad blowjobs, than giving great ones. Luckily this is something that can be sorted with a few technique changes and a bit of practice. So anyways…let’s get into it!

1. Keep it wet.

Without a doubt the single biggest key to a good blowjob is keeping it wet. You literally cannot get sloppy enough! No reason to be polite here, get downright disrespectful and spit all over that Johnson! A dry blowjob is like watching a pirate movie; its better than nothing but in reality it’s just disappointing and you’ll definitely not give good reviews.

Also. Lube. Get some.

2. Use your hands.

Now, some of you may be thinking ‘but my mouth is wet, why do I need to spit?’ Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. On top of the fact that the wetter the better for the actual blowjob, if you’re not using your hand then you’re already on the train to average town before you’ve even started! See, it’s all about alternating. Mouth, hand, mouth, hand, mouth AND hand etc etc. Now when I say hand, I don’t mean beat it like it stole something. Imagine a guy going down on you and fingering you, how would you like it if he started using his finger like a drill set to the speed fuck position without building up to it first? Slow. Wet. That’s the ticket. And then build it up. And when you’re using your hand and mouth together, keep the rythm; no point in entering a dance competition if you have too left feet, ya dig!

‘On top of the fact that the wetter the better for the actual blowjob, if you’re not using your hand then you’re already on the train to average town before you’ve even started!’

Also, and this is very important, DO NOT be one of these women who yank the skin on the shaft down too far. I had a blowjob that featured this particular torture and it sits firmly at the bottom of the pile as the absolute worst blowjob I ever had. Likewise with the balls; it would be hard for me to get across to you just how sensitive they are. By all means play with them, in fact we encourage it because when it’s done right it’s amazing, but ALWAYS be gentle (unless he’s specifically asked you not to be!)

3. It shouldn’t be work.

Some girls treat giving a blowjob like being sentenced to a lifetime working in the coal mines! Believe me, if you’re not really into it, we can tell, and pretty much any chance of us thinking the head was good is already gone. Half the awesomeness of a blowjob is that the person giving it is enjoying doing so. So, if you’re someone who doesn’t like doing it, well first I hope I never have the misfortune of being on the receiving end of your lacklustre efforts, but secondly, consider learning to fake it. Moan a little bit. Take your time. If he thinks you’re getting off on it, then he’s a million times more likely to ACTUALLY get off on it.

‘If you’re reading this and you know that most of the time you just bob your head up and down like a chicken then I’m sorry to tell you that you you do not give good blowjobs.’

4. Variety is your friend..

This is not rocket science. Lick it. Suck it. Wank it. Lick his nuts while wanking him. Hands and mouth together. Then separate. Then together. Hell, even play with his arse if he’s into it. The point is don’t just be crazy repetitive. If you’re reading this and you know that most of the time you just bob your head up and down like a chicken then I’m sorry to tell you that you you do not give good blowjobs.

5. Go slow.

Slow, sloppy blowjob. Learn that phrase. Start slow, real slow. Tease his cock and then when you get into it go slow. Then build up slowly, all the while keeping it wet wet wet, until eventually he’ll be begging to cum and then it’s just up to you when to let him. Simple.

6. Don’t be squeamish..

It’s cum. If you don’t like it, get over it, because if you think about it, you pretty much give him a facial every time he goes down on you, so really it’s a bit ridiculous to be squeamish the other way round. Plus, cum can add another dimension to your blowjob game. Take it in the mouth, on your tits, on your face…whatever, the point is, change it up and make him see how sexy you find it when he cums. You’ll reap the rewards from how turned on and sexy he finds your willingness, trust me.

In a post like this we can’t really go into the specific technique aspects that make a good blowjob (although email me or hit me up on Twitter of you have specific questions and I’ll get back to you!) but follow those tips and I promise your blowjob game will drastically improve over night!

Remember, practice makes perfect, So get your favourite person to practice on, show off your new skill set, and it won’t be long before you sit proudly alone atop of the ‘best blowjob I ever had’ mountain.

Let me know what you guys think in the comment section or hit me up and follow me on Twitter @mansplanation.