Boris was so delighted to see me that he started furiously wagging his tail. Now, not only were my legs trapped, but I was being whipped, to boot. And then the licking started. This must be how it feels to be Anastasia, in Fifty Shades of Grey, I thought. I tried to heave him off the bed and out of the door, explaining firmly that he was a very naughty boy and this was not a game. But to a Labrador, everything’s a game. He snatched a slipper and shook it, wild with delight. Only when I chucked a custard cream on to the landing did he depart, leaving half a slipper and multiple paw prints on the eiderdown.