1. Have you ever referred yourself as one of the ‘adults in the room’?

a. Once, but only because I was at a 3-year-old’s birthday party, and then never again.

2. How many fingers am I holding up (Donald Trump says there are five)?

a. Five

3. Would you describe yourself as Anonymous?

a. Never.

4. If you ever became an ex-official, would you be gruntled or disgruntled?

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a. Gruntled.

5. Do you have a Platinum Membership at a Trump Property?

a. Yes. [Skip remaining questions.]

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6. Would you describe yourself as an apolitical career civil servant with years of valuable experience?

a. No.

7. Oh, no! Someone has given you information that would make the president unhappy. What do you do?

a. Take no action, eat the piece of paper on which it is written and purge it from my mind, immediately.

8. Are you sure you don’t want to share it with Congress?

a. I would sooner pull out my own liver.

9. Do you put country before party?

a. Alphabetically but not otherwise.

10. If you came into a room and saw the president and the Constitution fighting, whom would you help?

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a. My dear president, what is this cruel Constitution trying to do to you?

11. If someone called you their Roy Cohn, would you consider it a compliment?

a. The highest.

12. You wouldn’t be creeped out at all?

a. No. In fact, I am starting to be concerned about you, asking me these questions, trying to put doubt in my mind.

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13. Are you an expert?

a. No. I understand that being an expert would just give me a bad attitude and the inclination to put on airs.

14. Are you, in fact, at all knowledgeable about the thing you are going to be put in charge of?

a. No! But I know enough to know I don’t like it.

15. The president wants you to fire someone. Do you?

a. I’m just ashamed it did not occur to me to fire this person earlier.

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16. How right is Donald Trump?

17. What do you say to a congressional subpoena when it comes for you?

a. Not Today.

18. Do you have any experience?

a. Is loyalty experience?

19. Oh, no! The TV has gotten a hold of video of the president shooting a man on Fifth Avenue!

a. This is horrible! I can’t believe that someone was disloyal enough to the president to leak such a video!

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20. Really?

a. Come, that is enough out of you. No further questions.