Social media sites like Facebook and Twitter have left a generation of young adults vulnerable to degeneration of the brain, we can exclusively reveal for about the fifth time. Symptoms include self-obsession, short attention spans and a childlike desire for constant feedback, according to a 'top scientist' with no record of published research on the issue.

Repeated exposure to the internet leaves people with an 'identity crisis', wanting attention in the manner of a toddler saying, 'Look at me, Mummy,' or a scientist touting their latest brain-fart in the national press.

The scientist believes that use of the internet – and computer games – could 'rewire' the brain, causing neurons to establish new connections and pathways. "Rewiring itself is something that the brain does naturally all the time," the professor said, "but the phrase 'rewiring the brain' sounds really dramatic and chilling, so I like to use it to make it seem like I'm talking about a profound and unnatural change, even though it isn't."

This rewiring can result in reduced concentration, a need for instant gratification, poor non-verbal skills, and the habit of talking really loudly like Alistair Stewart, according to research that hasn't yet been performed.

"I think it's really important that people aren't frightened by scare stories about new technology, and I've been a big supporter of brain-training software in the past," the scientist said, "but people's brains are literally melting inside their heads from all the MyFace waves being absorbed."

In a controversial move, popular science journal The Daily Mail published the academic's findings before they had actually been found. "In academia I've faced a great deal of prejudice from peers," she explained, "They say 'oh you haven't done the research, you've not got any evidence,' but really they're just jealous of my fashion sense. Publishing in the Mail lets me rise above all the petty politics and fact-checking in science, and just say 'this is the truth, bitches'."

Responding to criticism from the Guardian's Ben Goldacre, she said "he thinks his hair's better than mine. It isn't. I don't even think it's real. Who is he anyway? Is he a 'top scientist'? No."

The scientist, who doesn't actually use Twitter, said: "What concerns me is the banality of so much that goes out there. Why should someone be interested in what someone else has had for breakfast? My friend told me what they were having for dinner the other day, and I told them to 'fuck off' before slamming the phone down."

The high-profile academic, who frequently uses the media as a platform to push her theories to the public, suggested that some Facebook users feel the need to become 'mini celebrities' who are watched and admired by others on a daily basis. "They do things that are 'media worthy' because the only way they can define themselves is by 'people knowing about them'", she told a tabloid journalist.

Following her successful move from peer-reviewed journals to the Mail, the Professor will take the next logical step of publishing her future research through the medium of romantic fiction.

(The following is actually, seriously, true.)

She is currently working on her first novel, based on her interest in technology's impact on man and the idea that young adults are turning into zombie like 'cyber people' before our very eyes.

"Cyber people aren't robots," she explained to the Evening Standard, "It's just that they spend all their time interfacing with technology so they're uncomfortable with relationships. So there's bound to be a backlash. We should be the masters of technology, not the servants."

The protagonist is a 22nd-century neuroscientist with three women in his life, loosely based on Winston Smith in George Orwell's 1984. Really.

(As you can tell, I've lost the will to take these stories seriously anymore. For more serious rebuttals of the whole 'Facebook melts your brain' thing, see Ben Goldacre here or my old piece here.)

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