When you have babies it can be a challenge to find the time (or energy) for any postnatal ‘romance’ with your partner. After all, you are too busy trying to deal with postnatal everything else…

But do not fear. Help is at hand. Here is my guide on how to have some post-baby action:

You and your partner agree to have an “early” night.

Search the underwear drawer for something other than pajamas. Options are: baggy t-shirts, comfortable knickers, two old maternity bras, three used breast pads or a random thong that must have escaped the Great Thong Purge of 2010.

Wonder whether you have time to give your underwear drawer a quick clear-out before all the sex.

Decide you better not, as the baby could wake up any minute.

Both jump into bed, ready for action, only to realize you are so tired you could do with an actual early night.

Postpone all the sex until tomorrow.

The next day, have an earlier night.

Get into bed. Proceed to be romantic.

Partner thinks he hears the baby.

Both sit up and listen.

Nothing.

Continue with romantic proceedings.

You think you hear the baby.

Both sit up and listen.

Nothing.

Continue with proceedings.

Baby wakes up.

Get up and feed baby.

Return to bed.

Partner is asleep.

Decide to have sex the next day no matter what.

Up all night with the baby so you are too tired.

Two days later you agree to definitely have some sex that night.

Suggest trying it on the settee to spice things up a bit (avoid falling asleep).

Begin the romantic activity.

Ride On Thomas The Tank Engine is watching you.

Turn Thomas to face the wall.

Resume activity.

Accidentally sit on a plastic Fireman Sam. Partner throws Fireman Sam into the toy car box.

Resist the urge to go and put Fireman Sam into the toy figures box and continue with romance.

You can’t stop thinking about Fireman Sam. That was clearly a box for CARS. If we all put everything back in the wrong boxes, we would never find anything.

Try not to get annoyed with partner for always putting the toys away in the wrong boxes, despite the system having been explained several times.

Stop thinking about it, you tell yourself. Think sexy thoughts…

‘You are thinking about Fireman Sam, aren’t you?’ Partner says.

‘No,’ you reply. ‘I only have eyes for you my darling…’

‘Come on. You know you want to…’

You get up and move Fireman Sam into the correct box. While you are there you notice there is a stray block in the box. Put block away only to find a single piece of jigsaw in block box. Start searching through the jigsaw cupboard to find which one the piece belongs to…

Husband coughs.

Get back to the romance.

Romance progresses to socks off and partner leans in to whisper something into your ear…you presume sweet nothings…

‘Is it me or does this settee really smell of piss?’

Both agree to put settee sex on hold and watch TV.

Three days later, the grandparents take the children out for a few hours so you decide to spend the time having lots of sex (followed by sorting out toy boxes and underwear drawer).

Partner heads for the bedroom.

Explain you can’t just go from ‘wiping a toddler’s bum to feeling all frisky.’

Suggest that ‘having lunch and just talking would be nice’ first.

Compromise by having coffee and cake in bed.

Start showing each other pictures of the baby on your cellphones.

Realize you now only have ten minutes left before the baby is due back.

Romantic relations postponed.

Two weeks later…both decide you probably need a whole night away to have really good postnatal action so leave the baby with the grandparents and go to posh hotel.

Enjoy your first ever night away from the baby by eating, drinking, making merry, drinking some more and finally having fantastic, mind-blowing postnatal romance (probably, you can’t quite remember due to all the drinking).

Six weeks later… mind-blowing postnatal hotel romance confirmed in the form of a positive pregnancy test.

So, there you have it: Sex when you have babies. While you have young children, it is inevitable that some nights you will opt for sleep over sex. Other nights you will opt for sex, but be up all night with a teething baby instead.

Related post: The Five Types of Sex Parents With Young Kids Have