I just can’t sit here quietly while my boss is brutally assaulted by a guy that has no right to do so outside of the fact that he is devilishly handsome.

I think what has been left out of the conversation is what happened last night could also be considered a pre-meditated hate crime. In the past, I have infiltrated many anti-semitic secret society meetings in order to expose their evil ways and procure free drinks, and this gentleman, or others like him, have always sat at the high table.

So a victory for me will be a victory for Dave… A victory for Barstool… AND a victory for Jews everywhere.

Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose, asshole.

Take a report.

-Large

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* I am going to need $100k cash in order to fight with clear eyes and a full heart… NON-NEGOTIABLE, so don’t even ask me.

** I will also need a “gout clause” built into the contract, in case I have a flare-up near fight time.