Hey there kids! Matty Patty here, and I love you. Not in that way, no Larry Nassars here! That’s the OTHER side of Michigan. I’m just good ol’ Matty Patty Tricia! Big jolly coach for the Lions of Detroit!

Today I’m here to learn you good! You may have watched the games this past week and seen the Lions have some issues! No worries! That’s life, kids! You have lots of hope now. So many years to live! So much future to experience! Well, if you want a head start you just have to follow my 3 simple rules.

1. Read lots of books! Reading is great for the young mind. Start with history, where you can see all the great civilizations that crumbled as things fell apart!

2. Always smile! It hides the sadness.

3. Give up! Those who keep trying may eventually reach the top, but they always seem like assholes! Michael Jordan is one of the best basketball players alive. He also seems like a miserable competitive snobbo. No one likes a snobbo. It’s better to just accept your limitations and die as a mediocre nothing. After all, one day the human race will probably wipe itself out of existence, and nothing will notice because we are merely specks in a huge and uncaring universe! God? peh, with a universe this large, why would an omnipotent being that nobody’s ever really seen give a shit about you, you mediocre nothing of a person? You aren’t interesting, your family isn’t interesting, we are all dust waiting to die, just give up and eat nachos all day!

So you go about your day all excited to watch some Lions football! Why? Why do you care about big ol’ Matty Patty and his rumbly bunch of kitties? We’re terrible! Did you see us on Monday night? Flailing about like we belong in an NFL stadium instead of a nice farm upstate where we can be euthanized quickly? You might be saying “Oh Matty Patty, it’s week one, we can’t give up hope yet!” YES WE CAN! I believe in you. I believe you can give up all hope! We turned the ball over like 5 times! Our big fancy QB looked worse than a rookie who had never played a game in his life! And we were at home! Do we have a chance? Hahahaha, did you see the Vikings? Did you see the Bears? Did you see the Packers? They all played a game called Football. We played with our dicks! Matty Patty approved.

This was my first NFL game as a head coach and the entire team gave up on me in the 3rd quarter! The jets had to take mercy on us, they could have scored like 60 if they wanted. Every new coach lost this weekend and somehow I looked like the worst one, easily! Did you see the Raiders? They fell apart too, but they had passion. Chuckie got em to actually try! Trying is for chumps, that’s what Matty Patty says.

I hope you like jokes, because you’re going to watch about 15 more! So sit back, grab all the unhealthiest food you can, quit your job, and give the hell up. Life is balls!

Until next time, Matty Patty says Losers Are Boozers!