“Um, yes, hello police? I’ve been attacked. In my heart and soul. Uh huh, heart and soul, that’s right. By who? Oh, a television show. Uh huh. It hurts a lot so if you could- hello? … HELLO?”

This one smarts, you guys. My heart is unwell, and it’s The 100’s fault. A few days ago I tweeted, “what if MURPHY is the one to figure out Clarke isn’t Clarke?” In my head, it was a beautiful thing. His connection to her has always been strong, whether those feelings were positive or negative. They fight. They save each other. They bicker. They hug. They understand each other’s motivations. They fight some more. On and on it goes. So to have Murphy be the one to figure out something isn’t right was an exciting notion to me.

BUT THIS??? He suspected, and maybe would have gotten there on his own if Jo hadn’t flat out told him. And instead of the outrage, grief and vengeance I imagined, our beloved Beautiful Creepster is ready to take a deal to become immortal himself.

I AM IN PAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

The foolish optimist in me wants to believe that he’s playing an angle. Maybe he thinks he can get information from her that will help his friends. Maybe he figures since Clarke is “dead” already, he can get-in good with these cult leaders and protect the rest of his pals. OR maybe he thinks if he gets close with her captor, he can somehow figure out a way to save Clarke.

Or maybe Murphy just wants to live forever.

And the thing about all of this – the thing that’s stabbing me right through the heart – is that this is 100% true to his character. This isn’t some betrayal out of left field. This isn’t a Surprise Mad Queen situation (I’m still salty). From day one, Murphy has been, at his core, a survivor. He’s a cockroach. He’s the one who lives to tell the tale. So, making a deal for immortality with the very person who just murdered someone he loves, is more than believable, it’s a genuine progression of a layered, complex character.

THIS SHOW DESTROYS ME.

Anyway, congratulations to everyone who wanted Bellamy to be the first to figure it out, although every single character was one “chill out” away from getting there. Jo didn’t exactly make it a challenge, did she?

Where are your cookies now, show?? HUH? WHERE ARE YOUR COOKIES NOW??

Kaylee killed Jo! I guess it took 6 years for her to get squirrely about it, and THAT’S why she and her family were high-tailing it outta Sanctum and commandeering alien ships. So Jo killed Kaylee right back, which was only fair.

As we suspected, they told her to keep her Jo-ness under wraps so they could figure out who else from the squad they could turn into a hollowed-out flesh sack.

Meanwhile, Jordan was Nancy Drewing all over New Priya to see just what in the heck was up with his lady love. He brought his air-tight findings (she likes the WRONG FLOWER), to Bellamy and Murphy, whose responses were basically, “bitches be cray.”

Jo is not as smooth as she thinks she is. First she was like, “Madi, you’re late for school, hippity hop!” Then she didn’t understand Grounderish, then the uttered the words “chill out”, and lastly she insinuated to Bellamy that she sexed someone so hard that he won’t recover. I mean, WE knew it was a reference to his death, but Bellamy looked SHOOK.

Jordan was all, “if I wanted an older bro, I wouldn’t choose one with a track record like yours.” At first I was like, “HOW VERY DARE YOU,” then I thought about it for a single second and was like, “actually that checks out, carry on Jordan.”

Xavier, being the dreamy woodland nymph he is, led them into some goop and then skedaddled. Hahha, what a situation!

Speaking of tricky situations, Abby was in a bit of a pickle about how to save Kane. Turns out every part of his body is like, “can I just die, please?” and Abby is all, “hahahahahha, no,” and every part of Kane’s body is like, “seriously though,” and Abby is like, “LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING.”

Jo almost gave herself away by writing with the wrong hand, but then distracted Abby with some nifty science. She walked away with zero info, except that Abby is obsessed with saving KaneAndAbbysSexualTension.

Bellamy wanted to explore the planet so they could find a place for the rest of EarthKru, but the Beautiful Creepster was not sharing his sense of adventure. Someone who WAS ready for some intrigue, however, was Jordan, who had scampered off in search of some GD answers.

WHAT. A room full of human skeletons, that’s what. A ROOM OF SKELETONS, baaaahahahahhahahhaahaahhahahahhahahahahaaaa THIS SHOW IS AMAZING. *wipes tear* I’m just so pleased by this.

Jo tried to steer them away from all the juicy secrets, and everyone was all, “jeez, Clarke, you’re usually all about excuses to murder entire civilizations, and now you want to respect their privacy? Wow, that’s amazing emotional growth, well done.”

Jordan found a secret door (of course he did), and they decided to watch a home movie.

Gabriel what in the love of sweet baby beelzebub is on your face? You should be ashamed! Oh, and also the murder of a bunch of innocent people to bring back one dead chick. You should be ashamed of that, too.

We got to see the first flesh-sack Jo hopped into, and honestly, girl took being risen from the dead like a damn CHAMP. “You brought me back from the dead? No way! High five!” I know she’s this season’s antagonist, but I like this girl a lot.

Back in the present, ‘Clarke’ was trying to very nonchalantly defend these actions, and everyone was like, “why are you being weird?” and she was like, “YOU ARE!” Then they got very concerned for Madi and went to protect her, and by doing effectively put her in danger. They’re gonna feel so duuuuuuuuuuuumb!

Oh, and Murphy was all, “these people have their shit figured OUT. I stan!” But I’m sure that’s fine.

Octavia struggling while Diyoza just stood there life-coaching her was everything I’ve ever wanted out of anything ever. This conversation was magic, and the parallels between these two women are beautiful, especially considering they LED opposite sides of a war like a week ago.

Diyoza knew that Xavier would be watching and tossed the gun away, inviting him for some chats. Before they could really get into it, though, they were interrupted by an unscheduled light show.

Octavia told Diyoza to go, then because she couldn’t get out fast enough, she dunked into the goop. [Can we take a quick sec to fully appreciate Octavia yelling at Diyoza, “save your baby!” MY HEARRRRRRRT] Anyway, Diyoza came back and broke through the glassified-goop to pull Octavia out, rightly pointing out that Octavia must want to live, and I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT.

What did that light show do to our girl?????

Meanwhile, Jo met with her folks to spill the tea on Madi, and they had a nice chat about whether or not to kill our beloved Adventure Squad. Russel was like, “nawwwww, we’re not MONSTERS,” and Jo and her mom gave each other that look that women give each other when men are being especially obtuse.

The Squad sat around the cafe talking openly about whether or not to be all, “thanks for the kool-aid, but also no thanks.”

“John” agreed with “Clarke” about staying because he’s feeling a bit lazy these days, and doesn’t want to start a whole new civilization. I get it. I haven’t swept my floor since I moved in. Sometimes we just don’t WANT to, you know? Anyway, then “John” was like, “remember that time Abby turned you into a nightblood? What a crazy ride we’ve been on, eh?” And Jo was like, “YOU DON’T SAY.”

Then Jordan kicked up a fuss over Priya straight-up murdering his girlfriend, and Jo used the opportunity to slip out. But look who followed her!

Bellamy knowwwwwwwwwws! They were all speaking Grounderish SO MUCH this episode, and Jo was finally like, “I give up, could someone get me a Grounderish-English dictionary??” And Bellamy was all, “J’accuse!” and Jo was like, “hahaha, yeah, obviously.”

I WILL SLAP A- how DARE she call our sweet Jackson a war criminal! What is going on inside Abby’s head right now?? The dark year wasn’t Octavia’s fault, and if she hadn’t done what ABBY told her to do, then the bunker wouldn’t have survived. That is FACTUAL. Yes, it turned her a bit bonkers, and yes, she did questionable things after that, but the dark year ITSELF is not on Octavia. And following this strategy is NOT on my precious Jackson!!

And did Abby just conveniently forget that Kane betrayed his people and got hundreds of them killed? You all know how much love Kane, but “good and true” that boy is not. AND you know how much I love Abby, but girl is WRONG right now.

Ugh, anyway. Let’s leave this super upsetting scene and go into-

Jo had overheard Abby being THE WORST, and decided she needed help navigating her morally muddy past in order to manipulate her into creating more nightbloods. So she went to the only person who had been showing support for the Sanctum way of life, “John” Murphy. She played into his fear of dying and offered him immortality for his help.

“My question is, how would you like to be immortal, too?”

“I’m listening.”

WELL I NEVER.

With the Beautiful Creepster’s help, Jo could fool just about anyone. Boy has been in allllll the storylines, and knows all the tea. I wonder how they’ll explain Bellamy’s disappearance as they go about attaining their goals. Speaking of, WHERE DO YOU THINK BELLAMY IS NOW?? What will they do with him?

So how are your hearts? Your minds? Your tummies? Mine are upset, and it’s not just the family-size mint aero bar.

This season has me wishing this was one of those shows that dropped all at once so I wouldn’t have to wait. Although maybe waiting is half the fun, so it’s not all over at once? I don’t even know anymore. What I’m saying is, season 6 is freaking killing it, and I am both pleased and deliciously upset.

SOME STUFF

Both Eliza Clarke and Ashleigh LaThorp are NAILING their new characters. Jo’s prissy little hop-step over Kaylee’s body… *chef’s kiss* Someone PLEASE make it a gif, if you haven’t already.

Josephine painting a picture OF JOSEPHINE. I love this girl so much.

The “breeding program”??? Humanity shmumanity, eh Jo?

“Did this ferrari I’m wearing consent to giving up her body?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA x one million and seventeen.

The excuse to get one half of the cast out of the storyline was better this episode. They got to build a radiation shield instead of “watch the car.”

MADI ON A SWING

“Murphy is kinda cute” – Jo crushing on the Beautiful Creepster is very perfect.

WHY DO THEY KEEP THEIR OWN SKELETONS IT’S SO DELIGHTFULLY WACKO I’M SO INTRIGUED.

Do you think Jo has ever been a dude? I hope so! I would love if these people just got whoever is up next, no matter the gender.

That goop was VERY COOL looking! Good work, props team!

“Penny for your thoughts?” – “What’s a penny?”

Octiyoza? Diyozvia?

Seriously though, HOW ARE YOU???