GOOD evening, Madame Speaker. I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. But I'm not going to tell you my whole goddam autobiography or anything. I'll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me last year.

It started with the economy. Bailout. There's a word I really hate. It's a phony. I could puke every time I hear it.



We all hated each other's guts after that. You could see there wasn't any sense trying to have an intelligent conversation. I was sorry as hell I'd started. But if you're supposed to sock somebody in the jaw, and you sort of feel like doing it, you should do it. I'm just no good at it though. I'd rather push a guy out the window or chop his head off with an ax than sock him in the jaw. I hate fist fights. I don't mind getting hit so much—although I'm not crazy about it, naturally—but what scares me most in a fist fight is the guy's face. I can't stand looking at the other guy's face, is my trouble. It wouldn't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded or something.

By now it should be fairly obvious that I didn't take on health care because it was good politics. I had to sit there and listen to that crap. I was surrounded by jerks. I'm not kidding. It certainly was a dirty trick.

While I was in the cab coming over here, I took out my wallet and sort of counted our money. I don't remember exactly what we have left, but it's no fortune or anything. They'd spent a king's ransom in about eight lousy years. They really had. And I'm a goddam spendthrift at heart. What I don't spend, I lose. Half the time I sort of even forget to pick up my change, at restaurants and night clubs and all. It drives Michelle crazy. You can't blame her, though. So we're not going to spend any more.

One other thing I just thought of. Washington's terrible when somebody laughs on the street very late at night. You can hear it for miles. It makes you feel so lonesome and depressed. That's why I can't stand lobbyists. They're lawyers. Those boys really haul it in. One reason I know they're quite well off, they're always investing money in shows on Broadway.

But make no mistake. Life is a gift horse, in my opinion. There are nice things in the world—and I mean nice things. We're all such morons to get so sidetracked. Let's just try to have a marvelous time this year. I mean not try to analyze everything to death for once, if possible. Especially me.

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Democracy in America sadly notes the death of J.D. Salinger. For more, see the New York Times.