“We are getting the hell out of the beach for Urban Beach Week!” reported Miami Beach couple Alex and Serena Cohen from their balcony at The Continuum, a decision which has nothing to do with all of the “urban” people coming to town, so don’t even go there. “We just can’t miss that exotic plant sale at Fairchild down south,” explained Serena.While visitors to South Beach will be enjoying a week of boozy slushies and rented Lambos, residents of Pinecrest will be opening up their many guest rooms and fold-out couches to beach-dwellers hoping to escape the beach for Pinecrest’s more tranquil “Suburban Beach Weekend.”

Suburban Beach Weekend’s top attractions include finding parking right in front of the Walgreens, scoring loot from estate sales, and not listening to Fetty Wap. “Fetty who?” laughed Pinecrest resident Abigail Moore as she strolled through one of the three Publix supermarkets located within a mile from her home.

“I’d stay to enjoy the debut of Miami-Beach Police’s new Mine-Resistant Ambush-Protected armored truck, but I’m meeting my sister on Sunday for brunch at some place called The Muffin Tin” said pilates instructor Amy Ruiz, who plans on spend Friday evening watching a new TLC show about obese midgets called “Little AND Big” with her sister as her brother-in-law stares at his iPad all night.

“I love suburban beach week!” said Ms. Ruiz before binge watching 9 episodes of Kimmy Schmidt by herself after her sister went to bed at 10:00.

Not all Pinecrest residents are thrilled about the influx of visitors to their suburban paradise. Area curmudgeon Manny Santos complained, “I’ve never seen so many pretty people drinking boxes of wine at Matheson Hammock beach. This is Pinecrest, not The Flamingo.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE: You won’t find a more charming eatery in all of South Dade than the Muffin Tin. People rarely die there!]