Only True ’90s Kids Will Remember That Drifter We Killed 21 Years Ago

Remember the ’90s? The music, the clothes, the horrible secret we promised to take to our graves?

Any real ’90s kid can wax nostalgic about renting VHS tapes at Blockbuster, or having to blow into a SNES cartridge to clean it. And we will never forget watching the light leave that drifter’s eyes as he took his last breath.

Unlike kids today, we didn’t spend every waking moment staring at a screen. We had better ways to entertain ourselves. And believe it or not, we actually read books, not Tumblr posts! In fact, if it weren’t for children’s horror classics like Goosebumps and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, I don’t think I could have stomached the macabre events of that fateful evening.

Us ’90s kids got our kicks from Dunkaroos and Snick. And nothing felt better than waking up early for Saturday morning cartoons. I wish I could have that feeling again. Or any feeling. But I’m an empty, emotionless husk. Totally dead inside.

Speaking of dead, real ’90s kids remember that the drifter didn’t die instantly from the impact of the car. But unlike the pampered children of today, we never let stuff like reckless driving or a critically injured hobo ruin our bright futures. That’s why we all took turns stabbing him to death. Blood gushed out of every wound. Then we filled his pockets with heavy rocks before dumping him in that lake. It was just so ’90s!

Gushing hobo blood reminds me —remember Gushers? Best fruit snack ever! My favorite flavor was Strawberry Splash.

All we needed was a Lunchables and a game of Heads Up Seven Up to be happy. Sadly, we’ll never have those days again. I sure wish I could go back to that carefree time, before it happened. Dear God, do I wish I could go back.