Hi! I'd like to buy an IP-KVM switch, please.

"Sure! We got plenty."

Now wait... I have some very specific requirements.

"Shoot."

First, I want it to connect via some kind of pod or something that I can only buy from you. If there is any interoperability between vendors, I'm going to be very upset. I want full vendor lock-in.

"No worries, sir. We have a variety of pods, all highly proprietary. I assure you they won't work with any other vendor. Heck, some of them don't even work with our own products! In fact, if you are switching from another brand we send you a box of bandaids since we know you'll need them after changing all those cables."

How thoughtful! Next issue... I want you to stop making firmware updates in about 6 months. 7 at the most. I don't care if the next Heartbleed only affects KVM switches and permits hackers to get in and set my machine room on fire. No. Firmware. Updates.

"But sir! What if..."

Did you hear me??? No firmware updates! These things connect to my servers at "the bios level"... whatever the f--- marketing people mean by that. As you know every security-related feature and service on a Windows or Linux box has the caveat that "all bets are off" if someone has physical access to the machine. These IP-KVM switches basically give remote people physical access. I don't want any risks! I want to be 100% sure about whether or not people will be able to break into my machines!

"Ok, sir, I'll make sure we stop making firmware updates shortly after you receive the product."

Good. Ok, now one more thing. You tell me that there's no client software on my end because it uses Java. I want to make sure that we're perfectly clear about this. There are many versions of Java. I want to make sure that your system requires me to use a version of Java that is incompatible with the Java that is installed on my machine.

"Sir, I hate to brag but I think we've really out-done ourselves in that department. First, we require a version of Java that is so old, James Gosling himself would be shocked."

Tell me more....

"Next, we give you a choice: If you install the latest version of Java, our code is rejected because we don't include the new security profiles stuff that is required. If you downgrade to an older version, you're machine basically stops functioning."

oh yes! I like it! I like it! What else do you have?

"Our Java support on the Mac is so bad, Oracle has basically done our job for us. No changes need on our part."

Wow! You really thought this all through!

"Well, sir, I hate to brag but we have one more feature that I think is the cherry on top. We only support Java on web browsers that you don't use. Chrome? Never heard of it!"

Good show! IE6 forever! Thank you!

"We're happy to serve, sir."

Great! Now would you now sucker-punch me and leave me bleeding?

"That's all taken care of by our billing department."