1 Have the past few months been crazy, emotional, frightening and full of lots of scandalous – truly scandalous – lies that sadly you can't talk about right now for legal reasons?

2 Would you like to see an uplifting montage of slow-motion footage of you looking triumphant and sad, soundtracked by Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes?

3 If you feel the need to cry, or even make your voice wobble a little like you're going to cry but instead fight back those tears and take a breath and keep right on with what you were saying because dammit you're better than this and you owe it to not just the world but to yourself to tell this story then do you think, Lance, that you might be best just giving in to it?

4 Do you by any chance have a folksy anecdote about something your father said to you when you were a very small boy, perhaps while sitting on a porch or playing catch in the back yard? You do?

5 Would you like to talk for quite a long time about what Being An American means to you?

6 Is there a sense that perhaps a lot of people have always been jealous of your success? That maybe there was and remains a lot of jealousy out there, a lot of European jealousy, a British press-led European conspiracy of jealousy? Do you think, Lance, that might be a possibility? I'm just putting it out there.

7 Looking back, how badly did the death of your dog when you were seven years old affect you? Looking at this picture of your dog can you feel the tears welling up, the anger coming out? Can you feel the tears for your dog? Would you like to reach out and pat the dog? Pat the dog, Lance. Cry. Cry and pat the dog.

8 Do you by any chance have plans for a nationwide tour of schools speaking about the dangers of caring too much, falling foul of the temptations of others, being at the wrong end of a vast sporting witch-hunt and basically not learning to love yourself enough?

9 How about a new book too? Possibly something in big type with lots of pictures called Lance: My Longest Journey or Lance: A New Hope or perhaps just Lance: I Suffered For Your Sins?

10 Shall we hug now?