We’re here. We made it. We’re alive, aren’t we?

Why not push living to its limits? She wants to experiment again, but better. She dedicates a night and following day to becoming free once again.

Toronto is the place to be; everything is happening at once. Games are played, drinks are drunk, and cigarettes are smoked. A familiar song plays: “It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride… everything will be just fine, everything will be alright,” and the adventure begins. Another night headed downtown to a bar where a bunch of strangers hang around; dancing, screaming, smiling, living.

Before entering the bar, it hits: heart racing, fingers tingling, smile across her face. Nothing else matters. The bar is packed, the strangers are strange and this place is more of an inconvenience then anything.

It is time to go have fun where the air is clear and the night is young. First thing to do is get high, real high. They head to the nearest hotel, Chris dragging behind. All the emotions still in the air from the past few weeks, Chris continues to mention his feeling of exclusion. Truth is, they were all too caught up in the moment to pay attention to anyone but themselves.

Tip-toeing into a hotel, she gets into an elevator and rides to the top with Chris and Jenna. “Floor 42? why not!” she announces as she presses the button. Bad idea, simple yet overwhelming. They panic and head back down, only to be greeted by a waterfall. She recalls mentioning that she wanted to see a waterfall today, despite the sub-zero temperatures. “I told you guys” she yells as they run to sit facing it. Feeling anxious to keep moving, and no longer finding the waterfall intriguing, they head out of the hotel lobby and onto Queen Street.

Something is strange. The city seems bare. She mentions they should go to the nearest Jazz bar down the street. Jazz bars are always a positive environment. They skip down the street, singing and talking about important topics, irrelevant topics and anything in between. The Rex is at the next corner, and they reach it only to realize that the chairs are going up, and the city is going to sleep. “What time is it?” she asks, Jenna tells her it’s around 1:30am. There isn’t a soul in the streets at this point.

They all take a moment to look around. The city is frozen. Abruptly, a taxi turns off of a side street. She looks to Jenna and Chris and they return her gaze of curiosity with a harmonized nod. She steps onto the street and flags the taxi down, hops in and directs him to return home to Jenna’s apartment. Jenna’s apartment was always the home base, but the night is too young to quit now.

With Dundas Square approaching, she demands to be dropped off. It’s beautiful, and they decide to visit a familiar bar for a beer before heading home.

Unfortunately the bar is located on the top floor of a building nestled inside Dundas Square. They climb the lifeless escalators, pausing for moments to peer into the dark shadows between floors. They create images in their minds of the life that passes through this static area during the day, just as they reach the fourth floor. There is a stiff large man at the entrance, rambling about closing time and it being nearly 2:00am. She makes her way in to order a beer at the bar, when she is stopped dead in her tracks by a curtain wall of glass covered in white Christmas lights. “Why haven’t I noticed this before?” she exclaims, eyes locked into the subtle beautiful glow. When she turns around to Chris and Jenna, she finds them leaving. They have to go. Once again, pushing forward, they weren’t welcome there anymore.

Desperate to do something more before calling the night’s end, they make their way through Dundas Square. She is with Jenna, talking, embracing and feeling the air. They pause in the centre of it all and simply look around, tempted to lie down and let their bodies sink into the concrete with the beautiful night. Chris suggests they move onto a 24/7 diner called ‘Fran’s’ for something to eat.

The diner is close by and they take a short cut through a back alley, She recalls an alley like this somewhere she’s been before. “Banff” she screams, running through the dark alley, filled with excitement, “this reminds me of Banff,” another time she felt truly alive and free. A large sewer rat quickly interrupted this moment of beauty, she screamed and started laughing. Jenna screamed as well and flew to Chris’ arms. They all laughed and continued to Fran’s, happy as ever.

Fran’s was a familiar place. They entered as if it was home. Their waiter seated them, clearly recognizing them from a previous late night visit. They do not recall him, but his persona is too overwhelming to bear. He is extremely flamboyant and Swedish. He wiggles over with his hand on his hip while they try to decide what to order. “Oh yes, you are very thirsty” he states in his thick accent, pouring water with his right hand, and his left remaining on his hip.

They have absolutely no idea what to order. Should they order? They aren’t hungry, and they can’t even focus their eyes on a menu at this point. They all sit in the diner staring at each other, simply over whelmed. The waiter returns to take their order and she requests nachos to split amongst themselves.

Time passes, they continue to drink, and wait. She can’t handle it. This is too much. She rambles to Chris and Jenna “I can be here,” over and over. They are in the same state of mind and are unable to connect with their bodies. She talks with Jenna about how she is feeling, when it is all put into perfect words. “This is the biggest time warp of a mind fuck,” Jenna quickly writes this on a napkin as she stumbles to repeat what she had just stated, quickly forgotten. Jenna holds up the napkin and they all smile.

The Nachos arrive, and they begin to eat, absolutely repulsed by the food in front of them. The tortilla chips are as dry as dust, and the cheese is rubbery. They can’t do it, they can’t swallow this disaster, yet they continue to try.

She sat back in awe, glaring down at this food, watching it burn before her eyes. Cheese was oozing over the triangular chips, as the edges disintegrated into black dust. “What?!” she exclaimed in dis-belief, knowing this could not be real. Looking away to clear her mind, then looking back down at this surreal mess. “We have to go” she demanded. They paid for the food they didn’t eat and began the walk back to home base.

The city was still dead and few people were present. Sound was non-existent and cars seemed to stand still. She announced “it’s almost as though we’re trapped in a snow globe, zigzagging through the city, unable to escape.” A moment of uncertainty flourished when they encountered strangers, and exchanged a few words. These strangers were hostile and looking for confrontation over no particular subject. She continued to walk with Chris and Jenna, reaching the end of the street and a feeling of security. A few more minutes of walking resulted in them back where the night began.

They rushed up to her bedroom in the back of the house to find it the way they left, glowing with Christmas lights. This room instilled an ultimate sense of security. They lay on her bed and glared at the ceiling, and into these lights. Life as they knew it, the way they felt and interpreted, were not the way they once were. They broke into periods of negative emotions, unsure how to grasp their being. They panicked and spoke of pushing themselves too hard and fucking up their lives. Surges of energy would strike through their bodies and they would bounce back into a feeling of comfort. Once Content they would let out sighs of relief, followed by subtle giggles.

Jenna lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling, releasing moans and subtle shrieks. Chris held her in attempt to communicate with her, but there were no words to express the state she was in. All Jenna could do was react physically, tensing her body in moments of pure adrenaline. Jenna scratched Chris’s arms, shoulders to wrists, in attempt to end this feeling. Chris was unsure of how to react, what to say or how to say it.

She had to leave Chris and Jenna alone. She did not own a cellphone. So she look Jenna’s into the next room with her. She wanted to communicate with someone outside of this snow globe they were trapped in. She began calling and texting anyone she could think of. “Should I be calling 911?” she wondered, “Is this too much?” She didn’t know what to do. She called her friend Jimmy, who could always bring her back down to earth. He answered and she panicked. All she wanted to be told was that she was alright. Jimmy told her to have fun and talk to him later. “Okay, have fun, yes, right!” she thought to herself.

She entered Jenna’s room again to find them on the bed, in the same state they were before. Chris holding Jenna while she attempted to maintain stable. As she made her way to the bed to sit down, the cellphone illuminated with an incoming call.

Rachel was calling, another friend she had tried to reach. She answered in panic. “I think we need help!” Chris turned to her in awe, terrified. She reassured him by telling him it was just Rachel, Chris laughed.

She explained to Rachel what was happening, and Rachel calmed them down again by telling them they were okay. It was a relief for them all to speak to someone in a sober state of mind. This feeling of reassurance didn’t last long though.

She left them in the room to go to the washroom, just outside of Jenna’s bedroom.

She entered the washroom and faced the mirror, instantly trapped. She stared into her own eyes. “Who am I? Really, who am I?” She wondered. Once comfortable with herself, she was overrun with fear. “Who is that? It is not me, I am certain.” Terrified, she turned around, watching her reflection to be sure it was not watching her. She asked herself and this girl in the mirror many questions, while analyzing her reflection.

After a period of time, she worked up the courage to leave this room which felt like a vortex, holding her captive. She entered Jenna’s room to close the door quickly behind her. “Don’t go in there,” she exclaimed as she rested her back on the firm door and slid to the floor. Chris sat up and gazed at her, intrigued.

She covered her eyes and rested her head on her knees. Chris made a noise to get her attention, but when she lifted her head her focus shifted to the pine wood dresser to her left. The knots in the wood began to bleed like open sores. The blood ran down the side of the dresser as though it was in a hurry to reach the floor. She quickly turned and looked at Chris in disbelief. Chris’s eyes widened. He knew she was tripping out. She sunk into the floor pushing old pizza boxes out of the way, only to lift herself back up into a seated position and cover her eyes again.

She uncovered her eyes, immediately looking back at the dresser. It was over, gone, non-existent. Chris’s eyes still locked on her, she took a deep breath and looked around the room nervously. The multicoloured beams of light projected strongly from every wall. The Christmas lights pulsed aggressively. Chris invited her to sit down on the futon which ran perpendicular to Jenna’s bed.

She stood up and carried her body to the futon. Once seated, she reached a sense of security again. She began giggling, squinting her eyes and muttered, “I can dim the lights.” Chris and Jenna snapped out of their states and began discussing the lighting levels. Laughter and Happiness filled the room. They began discussing how they felt, that they were okay and kept over reacting.

Mid-laugh, she stood up and made her way to Jenna’s desk. She opened the laptop which they were listening to music on prior to heading out for the night. Before the screen illuminated, the same song they began the night with blared from the speakers. This time it was repulsive. That same song they always listened to at the beginning of a good night was unbearable to hear. She scrambled to pause the song, but the computer did not react. She slammed the mute key, yet the computer did not react. She spun around with the laptop in her hands and sat on the chair. Fighting to silence the computer while Chris and Jenna covered their ears and told her to hurry, she slammed it shut. Again, the computer did not react, unpleasant clashing of instruments and vocal chords poured from the speakers. She flipped the laptop over on her lap, covering the speakers with her hands out of desperation. The laptop slid from her thighs to the floor, where it continued to project noise. Reaching a point of insanity, the sound abruptly seized. Certain they would not be able to end the torture, they sighed in relief.

She couldn’t handle this emotional roller coaster. She slugged over to the edge of Jenna’s bed facing a window and pulled out a cigarette. Desperate to relax, she heaved on the cigarette as she held a lighter to the end. Instant relief. She continued to smoke the cigarette and let thoughts float through her mind, blowing smoke out the window. Chris sat up and began to talk with her. Without any sense of what he was saying she interrupted him with “I get it.” He asked her questions, and she answered without an ounce of doubt. She finally understood. She finally knew why each person was put on this earth.

Chris already knew this. He knew a lot. She had looked at him periodically throughout the night and without words exchanged, there was an understanding. It was a reassuring feeling to have someone like this in her life, since losing a close friend the year before.

After she put her cigarette out in the windowsill, she relocated to the futon once again. She leaned back and recalled another time in her life when she was in the same mental state. A time she spent with another friend by the name of Chris. She spent a lot of time with Chris, many late nights and early mornings. She was then sucked into a flashback, watching him climb her stairs, out of her basement. This was the day that Chris’s sister had to track him down. He over-dosed that night, 12 hours after being dragged home by his family. She felt Chris there. He was around, but she couldn’t find him. In this moment she truly knew that she was going to be okay.

Jenna sprung up from her bed beside Chris and announced she was leaving to the washroom. With warning of the vortex, she proceeded. In the time she was gone, Chris smoked weed and made small talk. Chris had been mentioning throughout the night that he didn’t feel as though he was as ‘fucked’ as her or Jenna. She rose from the futon and pulled her hair out of frustration, she was hitting a low again. She asked Chris, “How are you not fucked?!” a sly smile spread across his face and he said “Oh, I am. I’ve just been saying I wasn’t to keep you both calm.” She jumped with excitement and pointed at him, yelling “I knew it!” They began laughing and Jenna entered the room, speaking about the mirror, her reflection and how it was hard to leave. Before Jenna could continue talking she noticed the laughing and mocking. She asked what was going on. Knowing she needed to be under the impression Chris was sober, they changed the subject.

They all moved back to the bed where Jenna asked for a cigarette during conversation, and lit it. She then passed it to Chris saying “ I don’t want this” and would then ask for another, only to do the same thing. This continued on for hours, and without knowledge, Jenna smoked an entire pack by morning.

Over the course of several hours, they watched several television episodes, smoked, and spoke about their inability to feel their own bodies. Many moments throughout the night, they were sure the daylight would never come. Suddenly, Jenna told Chris he didn’t look the same. She knew exactly what Jenna was talking about, but didn’t say a word. Chris would turn at look at her, and he did not appear as himself. He was dark, evil, and the side of him she denied exists was exposed before her eyes.

She did her best to avoid looking at Chris that way, it was not an area she wanted to experiment with. They continued to watch comedies and although they found them funny, they could not laugh.

Before they knew it, the sun was beginning to rise. The Christmas lights were unplugged and the night was finally coming to an end. They lay in Jenna’s bed, continuing to chain smoke. Jenna blew rings of smoke and they watched them fade away in awe. She eventually attempted to sleep, but whenever she reached a point of unconsciousness, her body jerked. All she wanted was to be unconscious, even if only for a few moments, but she wasn’t allowed.

After laying for what seemed like hours, Jenna expressed her frustration at not being able to sleep. She shot up and agreed, and they decided it was time for the day to begin. She exclaimed, “The worlds awake, and I’m going for a walk!” Jenna and Chris did not want to join her, and she was okay with that.

She put on her coat, tied up her boots, and headed out the door. She walked down the steps of Jenna’s porch and entered pedestrian traffic on the side walk of Jarvis Street. She observed the homeless, students and business men beginning their days as she began hers, unsure as to what would come next.

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