Warning: Here be series-wide spoilers!

It’s the Fall of 2004, and after a highly charged all-stars season, Survivor is off to cleanse its palate in the island nation of Vanuatu. Where there are nine active volcanoes spewing smoke and lava on a regular basis. A place where the locals supposedly practice black magic and have a history of cannibalism (oh noes!). And 18 brand new castaways will try to outwit, outplay and outlast each other to get a million bucks.

I hope you guys like the sight of erupting volcanoes, because you’ll get cut shots of such every 10 minutes. On a side note, this season has one of the scariest first few seconds of any rendition of Ancient Voices alongside Micronesia and South Pacific.

We are first introduced to the season with the sight of Jeff walking along the crater of an erupting Mt. Yasur, because that’s how much of a badass CBS want you to think he is.

Meanwhile, our castaways are being shipped off to the island in a big boat.

Upon arriving at their destination, they’re greeted by an entire fleet of boats approaching them with screaming villagers.

But have no fear, Jeff is here!

Jeff climbs on the boat and gives our castaways a big welcome. He then explains that before they set foot on the island, they must gain permission to stay on the land by participating in a local ritual ceremony. Apparently some of it is beautiful, some of it is repulsive and some of it is frightening.

He also reminds them that they’re visitors in a foreign country and must be respectful just in case they all go full Team America for 39 days.

So they all make their way onto the little wooden boats, and we finally start getting introduced to our hapless hopefuls…

This is Mia, a bookkeeper from Boston. And she’s really nervous about this whole ritual thing.

This is Travis (aka Bubba), a security officer from Tennessee. And he only just learned how to swim before coming here.

As they all paddle off, the locals start circling our castaways and sing songs. And it’s pretty damn cool.

This is Leann, an equity research assistant from Wisconsin. And she’s in awe about the whole experience to the point of tears.

They finally make it to shore, and are greeted by guys running at them with spears.

This is J.P., a sales manager from Los Angeles. And he’s confused about the whole spear situation.

This is Rory, a housing case manager from Iowa. No-one is pointing spears at him and he thinks it’s because he’s the only black guy in the entire cast and is thus not unwelcome.

The locals pulls away their spears and start singing and dancing. As they do this, they start separating the men and women.

The women are made to sit on the floor while the men are given benches.

This is Eliza, a pre-law student from New York state. And she’s feeling like the women are kinda being left out in this ceremony. Trust me girl, that’s just the tip of the iceberg tonight…

The men are then offered kava, which for those of you who don’t know, it’s this South Pacific alcoholic mud drink. Here in New Zealand you can get it in Fijian food stores. I hear it doesn’t taste all that nice.

This is Lea (aka Sarge), a drill sergeant from South Carolina. And he doesn’t like the look of the kava.

This is Ami, a barista from Colorado. And she’s not pleased that the women are being left aside while the men get special treatment. You’ll quickly find out that this is a pet hate for her.

Eventually the locals bring in a live pig tied to a stick, which apparently is a well-loved animal in Vanuatu.

This is Lisa, a real estate agent from Louisiana. And she cracks a joke that the locals treat their pigs better than their women. Given what’s about to come next…

They lay down the pig, whip out a rather heavy-looking stone hammer, and bludgeon it to death. Then they smear the blood on the men’s foreheads. Literally every vegetarian’s worst nightmare.

This is Dolly, a sheep farmer from Pennsylvania. And she has no problem with the pig murder because that’s her day job.

After what seems like days, we finally get to the final part of this ritual. One of the guys has to climb up a pole greased with pig fat to collect a spiritual stone that wards off evil spirits and bad luck. If the men succeed, they keep it. If they fail, the women get it.

The chief approaches Sarge to go first, and he does a big shoulder dip to get out of it so the young guy behind him goes instead.

The young guy is Brady, an FBI agent from California. And he’s our reluctant guinea pig for this greasy pole climbing thing.

He dusts his hands and feet and jumps on board while the women are hoping and praying that he falls. Alas, on the first go, the men grab the stone, and it immediately starts chucking it down with rain.

Once that is over, Jeff reveals that the tribes will be divided by gender. The men will be the red Lopevi tribe, and the women will be the yellow Yasur tribe. But for the sake of simplicity, I’m just going to refer to them as the men’s/women’s tribes for the first few episodes.

We are finally introduced to our eventual Sole Survivor. This is Chris, a highway construction worker from Ohio. He doesn’t usually wear a wifebeater, production just made him wear that to look more redneck-y. And he gives awesome confessionals.

This is Twila, a highway repair worker from Missouri. And she’s not happy about being in a women’s tribe because she’s One Of The Boys.

Jeff sets them off to find their camps in the dark, pouring rain. Without a map. Jeez, that’s a bit mean…

The women hunt for their camp and they trek over slippery lava rock, which concerns one of the older ladies…

This is Scout, a rancher from Oklahoma. She’s got an artificial knee and wants to stop for the night to prevent any nasty accidents happening.

Eliza is NOT impressed because she wants to find their camp ASAP, and they decide to keep looking.

Meanwhile, the men aren’t sure if they’re going the right way.

This is Brook, a document manager from Massachusetts. And he’s not a fan of Rory complaining about the trek.

Luckily for them, they don’t need to trek much further as they soon find their tribe flag. Woop!

Shortly afterwards, the women find their tribe flag. Squee!

It’s now Day 2 at the women’s camp! And they’ve started working on building their shelter.

Well, the older women at least, the younger women are more concerned about having fun on the beach.

Eliza, in particular, is starting to gain a reputation for being an annoying motormouth.

Over at the men’s camp, they try to make a fire with just bamboo sticks, because according to J.P., the “aborigians” did it back in the day.

They manage to get a hot ember going, but it soon dies out.

Oops.

This is Chad, a teacher from Oakland. And he has a secret he wants to show the guys.

It turns out he has a prosthetic leg. He had a rare type of cancer that caused him to lose his leg. The guys are in stunned silence, not least this guy…

This is John, a mechanical bull operator from Los Angeles. He’s easily up there as having one of the weirdest job occupations in the show’s history.

Of course, some of the younger guys are now thinking “oh noes, he has a sob story, we need to vote him out!” like they’re in full gamebot mode.

It’s Day 3 at the women’s camp! And they’ve received some Tree Mail telling them about the Immunity Challenge today.

This is Julie, a youth mentor from Maine. And she’s looking forward to potentially getting some flint.

All the ladies really want to show the men who’s boss today…

REWARD/IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!

It’s an obstacle course with a mud crawl, a box maze, a balance beam and some fire building. Winner gets flint and immunity. Losers get Tribal Council.

Off we go!

The men are first to get to the balance beam by some distance. But their lead evaporates big time because Chris keeps falling off.

While he’s on his 500th attempt to clear the beam, the women manage to build a fire and light their torch.

The women win reward and immunity!

After the men get back to camp, the younger guys immediately target Chris for blowing the challenge.

However, Sarge isn’t so keen, and approaches Chris to set about establishing an alliance with the older guys in the tribe. And thus the Fat Five alliance is born.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!

It’s time for the first boot of the season, and the men get to light up their torches for the first time. Unfortunately for one of them, it’ll only stay alight for about 10 minutes.

Immediately, Jeff pretty much encourages everyone to shit on Chris for falling off the balance beam 800 times. However, Chris is very confident that he’s not going home, and grandstands his reasons why.

Jeff then asks Rory if he’s fitting in with the others. Rory says he’s fitting in fabulously. Jeff then suggests that the tribe are in crisis mode without flint and water (jeez, it’s only Day 3!).

Bubba then talks about how you should never underestimate a woman and that they royally kicked their rear ends today. Then Brook drags the conversation down 50 IQ points by commenting on how some of the women’s rear ends were pretty nice to look at during the challenge.

It’s time to vote!

Let’s read the votes. Who’s going to be Season 9’s first boot?

Hahaha! Bye bye brochacho, serves you right for being a perv.

See you guys for episode 2!