WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, nearly nine in 10 Americans believe that President Obama has failed to move the nation any closer to becoming an ethereal paradise of pure and everlasting pleasure. “Our findings indicate that only a small minority of citizens think the country is closer now to being a sublime bacchanal of boundless ecstasy than it was when the president took office six and a half years ago,” said researcher Katherine McGraw, adding that when asked if Obama had adequately positioned the United States to develop into a transcendent pleasure dome beyond anything ever imagined, only 8 percent responded “yes,” with 89 percent responding “no” and the remaining 3 percent saying they were unsure. “Despite the excitement for the future that many felt during the 2008 and 2012 elections, most Americans are now resigned to the fact that they are not making the expected progress toward living in a realm of dizzying, perpetual bliss in which, as celestial beings of pure joy, they bask in a profound contentment and heavenly delights they never knew possible, and that they are unlikely to do so during the remainder of the current presidential term.” McGraw noted that 48 percent of Americans responded affirmatively, however, when asked if Obama had brought the nation closer to a blackened wasteland of misery in which all are bled forever in eternal agony.

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