CAMBRIDGE, MA—Finding themselves increasingly frustrated after years of fruitless analysis, researchers working with a Harvard-coordinated international multi-university research initiative published a report Monday confirming that, despite spending several years and millions of dollars, they have made negligible progress in understanding what the fuck you’re talking about. “Not only are we no closer to understanding what the hell you’re talking about, but evidence also suggests we are further than ever from a solid idea of exactly what the fuck you think you’re talking about. We’re beginning to suspect you may not even know what the fuck you’re talking about, and unfortunately for those charged with cataloguing what the fuck you’re talking about, you simply won’t fucking stop talking,” the report read in part. “Moreover, researchers at Oxford say they ‘have no goddamn idea what you’re on about,’ those from the University of Texas believe you ‘don’t ever stop to smell what shit you’re shoveling,’ and our associates at the University of Michigan have begun simply saying ‘huh?’ when confronted with new data on what the fuck you’re saying. Basically, everyone unfortunate enough to be made aware of you holds the unanimous belief that you should shut the hell up.” In a related report, researchers have confirmed you have absolutely no idea what the fuck you’re doing.

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