8am Extreme Dress Conjecture

Top scientists take turns speculating about Kate Middleton's dress, bypassing trite discussion of its potential colour and style in favour of determining its approximate atomic weight, by feeding a schoolgirl's crayon sketch of what it might look like into an onyx supercomputer studded with flashing lights.

9.00 Elephant in the Room Street Party

Live televised royal wedding street party at which, for no particular reason, any discussion of the royal wedding, no matter how tangential, is strictly prohibited, a policy enforced by an emotionless computer-controlled crossbow that automatically executes anyone so much as mentioning it. Survivors win £2,500 for a charity of their choosing.

9.30 The Only Way is Essex Royal Wedding Special

Precisely what you'd expect, but somehow worse.

10.00 Brief Flurry of Excitement as Ben Fogle Arrives at Ceremony

10.15 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Snarky Comment Re Prince William's Hairloss

10.30 I Couldn't Care Less About the Royal Wedding and I Don't Care Who Knows It

Pundits declare their ambivalence toward today's event while standing on brightly coloured plinths clutching armfuls of live chicks in order to make them look slightly silly for bothering.

11.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Joke Re Kate Being Taken Up the Aisle

11.15 At the Altar

Live footage of the couple at the altar, accompanied by impromptu ironic commentary ostensibly emanating from within Prince William's head, performed by Peter Dickson, voice of The X Factor.

11.20 The Royal Wedding in Solid 3D

Breathtaking coverage of the ceremony utilising a groundbreaking new broadcast system that converts images of the happy couple into devastatingly accurate three-dimensional carved wooden effigies, spilling from your screen in real-time at a rate of 25 figurines per second. Samsung Accu-Carve Solid 3D TV required. Caution: may fill house with miniature royals and assorted detritus.

12.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Go a Bit Gooey

12.15 The Bit with the Carriage

During which viewers may choose to speculate about how many hospitals you could buy for the cost of that bejewelled chariot, but alas to no avail, for ye shall be drowned out by the cheering and the merry-making and the joyous hubbub.

1.25pm Balcony Kiss

Your chance to witness the one image certain to dominate every newspaper's front page tomorrow. Unless Prince Harry goes mad and has a shit on the steps of the cathedral and then does a backflip and kicks a girl in the face.

2.00 Endless Endless Loops of Everything You've Just Seen, But Cut Into Slightly Smaller Chunks, Spooling Over and Over and Over With a Newsreader Burbling Over the Top, Repeating and Repeating and Repeating Until You Feel Like Time Itself is a Scratched CD Doomed to Echo the Last Few Notes For Ever and Ever.

11.00 The People's Royal Consummation

Eye-popping live interactive special as viewers send in tweets and explicit Photoshopped images outlining precisely what might be happening in the happy couple's bedroom at that precise moment. Pictures too graphic to be broadcast will be described by Eric Cantona and re-enacted by members of the Jim Henson Creature Shop.