Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump took to Twitter today to announce he would be taking a two-week vacation.

The following are Mr. Trump’s tweets:

“My administration has done such a tremendous job containing coronavirus that I am taking a much deserved vacation to Mar-a-Lago. I promise this has nothing to do with my coronavirus test, which was totally negative! It was so negative you’d say if you saw it that you can’t believe how negative it is!”

“So I’m just going to lie low, read the Bible, and figure out new ways for America to win. I promise there is nothing to worry about, and no one should take any money out of the stock market over this! I’m the healthiest President of all time. The Fake News will say I’m the oldest and the second fattest president in history, and that I’m at a huge risk because I’ve spent a lot of time recently around people who have tested positive for coronavirus, but they’re subhuman scum!”

“I promise I’m not infect and that my test did not turn up positive, and I’m only going to not be doing any public events for a little while because I’m so healthy that I’ll make the few people who get coronavirus jealous of what great immune system genetics I have! My uncle at MIT never got the coronavirus, so there’s no way I will!”

“So while I’m gone make sure you keep putting more money into stocks. There’s no reason to panic and make the economy suffer right before the election. Everyone who has already tested positive for coronavirus should definitely put all their money into stocks. If they live they’ll make money, and if they die the stocks will be up and I’ll be more likely to win again in November…”

“…It’s win-win for everyone no matter what! Oh, by the way, we can’t do any kind of safety net programs to help all the people who have to stay home from work during the national quarantine, or the kids who can’t go to school, or the people who rack up big medical costs to treat coronavirus if they get it…”

“…But we are going to spend several billion dollars with a stimulus package for oil, coal, cruise line, and airline companies. That will do so much more for the economy than socialism, so you’re welcome, America! And it doesn’t matter anyway, because coronavirus cases will probably be close to zero in a couple days anyway! We’re doing so great keeping it contained! I think I deserve the Nobel prize for pandemics!”

“So see you in two weeks, America. I’ll still be tweeting, but I just won’t be taking any photos, video or audio recordings because I’m so healthy and totally don’t have any coronavirus, even a little!”

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