So there’s this giant named Skrymir

which, yes, is pretty much an anagram for Skyrim

so have fun with that lawsuit, ancient norse dudes

but anway, one day Skrymir just runs up to a dude

who is standing in the middle of a thunderstorm

because he didn’t check the weather report before going apple-picking

and Skrymir is like DUDE

I WILL PLAY YOU CHESS FOR YOUR LIFE

now this dude is a dude who goes apple-picking in thunderstorms

which means he’s not what you would call a chess grand master

but it also means he’s too stupid to realize that

so despite the fact that he doesn’t even know the rules of chess

he agrees to play

AND HE WINS

I don’t know what kind of dude runs around

challenging people to life-or-death chess games

despite the fact that he is TERRIBLE AT CHESS

but apparently his name is Skrymir

and he has yet to grasp the finer points of hustling

So Skrymir is like bro, bro

let me buy my life back from you, yeah?

and the dude is like sure

but it’s gonna cost you

it’s gonna cost you ALL OF THE BOOZE

and ALL THE BACON

and by bacon I mean ACTUAL BACON

not bacon as in money

although actually I want all the money too

and build me a huge hollywood dream house

and make it so no one in my house ever dies either

and Skrymir is like YES, WONDERFUL

WHAT A FAIR AND TOTALLY NON-IMPOSSIBLE PRICE YOU HAVE SET

so the dude goes home to his wife

and his wife is like hey honey where have you been

and he’s like oh you know

just picking apples in a rainstorm and pissing off giants for profit

the usual

and his wife is like oh cool cool

i’m just gonna head down to the cellar for a bit

to wait out the vengeful shitstorm you’ve called down upon us

meanwhile, Skrymir is traveling all over the world

reaming treasure out of mountains like a 14-karat enema

building this fantasy castle the dude has commissioned

and getting very, VERY pissed.

But he still builds the castle

because giants are basically the ultimate contractors

and the dude takes one look at its shiny majesty

struts inside

and proceeds to abide.

YEARS PASS

the dude gets a reputation as a pretty chill fellow

throwing sick feasts and inviting whoever

when suddenly Skrymir shows up like DUDE

LET’S PLAY CHESS

I HAVE BEEN TAKING LESSONS

I don’t think I need to remind you about how dumb this guy is

he plays another game of chess against the giant

and this time

HE LOSES

luckily he wasn’t playing for his life or his castle

just a little thing called his SON

naturally the dude can’t be arsed to pay up

so instead

he calls up the number one dude for getting out of deals with giants:

ODIN

he’s like Odin, buddy, hide my son for me

and Odin is like well you’re rich, so okay

and then he makes a huge field of wheat grow up overnight

and he hides the kid inside a single grain of a single stalk of wheat

instead of just letting the kid crash at Asgard for a couple nights

because in case it isn’t clear already

Odin is a phenomenal cheapass

so the next day Skrymir comes to get the kid

and the kid is nowhere around

but there IS this suspicious wheat field that wasn’t there yesterday

so he’s like HMMM

and just puts the whole wheatfield in his mouth

which understandably freaks out the kid hiding in the wheatfield

so Odin is like okay dude, okay, just come out and run over to me

I’ll take you back to your dad

then he goes back to the castle and hands over the kid

like welp

problem solved, right?

WHAT? NO! There is still an angry giant looking for this kid

but Odin called no tag-backs, so they have to go bug another god

Hoenir

who has never done anything useful for anyone ever

and Hoenir’s big plan is to just do what Odin did

except with seagulls instead of wheat

and feathers instead of grains

but here’s the problem with this plan:

BIRDS ARE BASICALLY AT MOUTH-HEIGHT FOR GIANTS

so Skrymir is just going through his morning routine

walking around swallowing pelicans

when the kid he’s looking for just ends up inside his mouth

(this is one of those “I swear it’s not what it looks like officer” situations)

at which point Hoenir is like okay that went bad

here kid, teleport back to me real quick

I’ll take you back to your parents

what i don’t get at this point

is if they can just teleport the kid whenever they want

why bother hiding him inside things that giants like to eat?

it’s like they’re charging by the hour or something

anyway then Hoenir dumps the kid with his parents

and is like there, problem solved

that will be six million gold, parts and labor

so Hoenir peaces out

thus once again failing to be at all useful

which is when the dude and his wife bust out plan Z

the plan you only enact if you want all your shit stolen

sold for a profit

stolen again

and then stacked in a big heap so horses can have sex on it

that’s right

THEY CALL LOKI

and Loki is like here is what I need you to do, dude:

first, build a boathouse with a wide door

then hang a metal club or spike or something over the door

and then leave the rest to me

I’ve got this like I’ve got horse-herpes

then Loki goes and pulls some Hoenir/Odin shit

but with fish and their eggs instead of wheat and birdhair

and then he invites Skrymir to come fishing with him

which is dumb, because Skrymir catches the fish the kid is hid in

and loki asks him for the fish

and he’s like no I’m going to find the kid in this fish

I know he’s in there

but then loki just has the kid get out of the fish egg

and stand behind him so the giant can’t see him

and when they land, the kid jumps out of the boat and starts running

and the giant chases him, but he’s way too fat to run on sand

so he sinks in

and the kid runs into the boathouse

and Skrymir follows

and just impales his face on that metal spike

or club

or whatever was in there

and then loki chops off his legs

except they grow back together

until loki stuffs a bunch of sticks and stones in there

and puts an end to that.

then Skrymir dies of legless

and the problem is ACTUALLY solved

So the moral of the story

is that sticks and stones may break your bones

but CHESS is really deadly

the end.