MONTECITO, CA—Sighing in remorse at the “monsters of my own creation” after viewing recent appearances on Fox News by Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, media tycoon and longtime talk show host Oprah Winfrey reportedly muttered “You have served me well, but this has gone too far,” Friday while loading a shotgun. “Well, we had a good run, boys, but business is business,” said Winfrey, loading shells into a pump-action Mossberg 500 before calling to be picked up by her personal stealth helicopter. “I remember when I found them—a sleazy corporate lawyer, and a two-bit snake-oil salesman—perfect additions to my syndicate. We really had a good thing going for a while there, but you can’t be on Oprah’s Favorite Things list forever, now can you? Time for these ‘doctors’ to take their medicine.” At press time, Winfrey was reportedly found covered in blood making new selections for her book club.

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