Yup, you heard it here first. Or well, maybe not. In today’s op-ed Hernandez breaks into the trend of outrage over so-called Cultural Appropriation. Read up.

You may have heard of the recent, tragic incident that horribly traumatized many innocent people. It made national news, disturbing video of it has been shared on social media, and it’s had an impact far beyond the people immediately involved. This incident and the evil behind it threaten to destroy the very fabric of our society.

What? No, not the latest terrorist attack. I’m talking about something far worse.

A white kid wore dreadlocks in college.

A white kid with dreadlocks! Run for your lives!

Yes, Cultural Appropriation has reared its ugly head in America. This white college kid had the gall, audacity, and White Privilege to steal dreadlocks from African culture (dreadlocks were also Egyptian, Viking, Greek, Spartan, Indian, Sufi Muslim, Aztec, and maybe even Jewish, but whatever). Despite the horror, I’m sure you’re feeling, please muster the courage to watch the video. If you dare.

I know what you’re thinking: “That evil racist deserved far worse for what he did.” And many people agree, the white victim of harassment and assault was 100% to blame. Sure, maybe the black woman technically assaulted him, but come on. He appropriated her culture. And that’s unforgivable.

Buy your blasters, blaster parts, and ammunition at dealer cost.

There have been other egregious instances of cultures being wrongly appropriated. Miley Cyrus dared to twerk. Coldplay and Beyonce made a video set in India. About 684,000 white celebrities pissed off Kareem Abdul-Jabar by wearing cornrows. Justin Bieber won the crown jewel of racism by wearing cornrows and dreadlocks. College students in the UK ordered gay men to stop stealing women’s culture by dressing in drag and acting like black women. A white couple stole black history by jumping a broom at their wedding, even though Europeans used to jump brooms at weddings too. And as another observer noted, the black male student in the above video appropriated Inspector Gadget culture.

Here’s a definition of Cultural Appropriation (CA), from racerelations.com:

“Taking intellectual property, traditional knowledge, cultural expressions, or artifacts from someone else’s culture without permission. This can include unauthorized use of another culture’s dance, dress, music, language, folklore, cuisine, traditional medicine, religious symbols, etc. It’s most likely to be harmful when the source community is a minority group that has been oppressed or exploited in other ways or when the object of appropriation is particularly sensitive, e.g. sacred objects.”

Notice the definition includes the terms “unauthorized use” and “without permission”; you see, if black people had told white people “It’s okay to have dreadlocks”, there wouldn’t have been an issue. And that’s where the entire silly, stupid, racist concept of CA falls apart, and the point I can’t even sarcastically pretend to take it seriously anymore.

Like many far-left ideas, CA requires us to stop thinking of people as individuals and instead lump them together by race or ethnicity. “All blacks/Mexicans/Koreans/whatever minority think white people need permission to use any symbols of their culture.” That’s pathetically stupid and overtly racist.

Here’s a novel thought: THE FACT THAT I’M A “MINORITY” DOESN’T MEAN I THINK LIKE EVERY OTHER MINORITY. I’m actually an individual, with my own unique history, who forms my own opinion and makes my own decisions. Nobody has to speak for me. Nobody has to tell me what offends me. And guess what? I’m not offended when white people partake of “my” culture.

Earlier this year a Bowdoin college fraternity had a Mexican-themed party. Partygoers wore small sombreros. The party seems to have been a lot of fun. Cultural Appropriation! Social justice warriors claimed the party was offensive to Mexican-Americans like me. Since “my culture” was allegedly appropriated, I have a few observations.

First, I don’t wear a sombrero. Nobody I know wears a sombrero for daily use. I have family still in Mexico, and they never wear sombreros. The only people I’ve ever seen wear sombreros are mariachis, and they wear them because they’re flashy, gaudy and meant to attract attention. You, know, kind of like hats people would wear to a party.

[Ay caramba! Los gringos are appropriating my culture! And my dance moves.]

Second, I grew up in San Antonio, where Hispanics with roots in Mexico are the majority. Everywhere I went I saw whites and Hispanics mingling, eating each other’s food, intermarrying, attending each other’s cultural events, and just generally having a good time hanging out. I can’t recall any Hispanic person I knew being offended by whites wearing something traditionally Mexican.

Third – and most important – supposedly it’s wrong to use symbols of other cultures without permission. So who is the mythical Magic Mexican who allegedly speaks for me because we happen to share the same ethnic background? When did we appoint a Leader of All Mexicans to dispense permission for white people to do anything? Who’s the racist shitbag who says I’m supposed to think like every other Hispanic?

Last, why would white people, or anyone else in America, need my permission to dress however they want?

Since I’m an “oppressed minority”, here’s a hypothetical:

My grandparents were migrant farm workers during the Depression. Back then, most Mexican-Americans could only find work as manual laborers and were paid next to nothing. Because they were paid so poorly they ate the cheapest food available, which was rice, beans, and tacos (by the way, that part of the hypothetical is true). So (here’s the hypothetical part), rice, beans, and tacos became symbols of oppression and discrimination against my people.

As an officially oppressed Magic Mexican, I hereby withhold permission for white people to eat tacos. Because eating ethnic food is racist.

[I bet you want to eat these. While wearing your Klan hood. And oppressing minorities. You taco-eating racist.]

Are whites people now required to drop the tacos, since a Hispanic person thinks it’s racist for whites to eat them? If you answered “yes”, chances are you’re a blithering idiot. And if you managed to convince white people to stop racistly eating tacos, a lot of Mexicans would track you down and beat your ass because they make a pretty good living selling tacos to whites. Tacos make people happy and should be eaten by everyone.

[This man does not want white people to stop eating tacos. Aldiazphoto.com.]

So please, either shut up about “cultural appropriation”, or quit eating tacos. In fact, quit eating any type of food that doesn’t exclusively belong to your own culture. Wear only your culture’s historical clothing. Use only your culture’s hairstyles. Get back in your box, with only your people, and do only what your color gives you permission to do. Tear down the assimilation that’s made America so successful, break us into a Balkanized society where the innocent are assaulted for their hairstyle and condemned for wearing certain clothing, eating certain foods, or even racistly practicing yoga. Combine cultural appropriation with “microaggressions”, “trigger warnings”, and “safe spaces”, and use them in a fascist attempt to shut down free speech. Try to destroy the amazing things this incredible country has achieved. That’s what you “Cultural Appropriation Police” idiots truly want anyway.

Meanwhile, the rest of us – especially those of us who wore a uniform with an American flag on the sleeve, stood shoulder to shoulder with troops of all colors, ethnic groups, and religions, faced an enemy together and viewed each other as free and equal – will wear whatever hairstyle we want, dress however we want, and eat whatever we want. We’ll choose American’s freedom to appropriate whatever we want, over your pathetic, cowardly, desperate desire to be offended.

Cultural Appropriation – if it even exists – is at worst a minor annoyance that any reasonable person would ignore. But the “cure” for CA is real. It’s racist, stifles freedom, and condones real violence against the innocent. So I won’t waste one second of my life worrying about a white kid wearing dreadlocks while eating tacos at a yoga class. But I will worry about the smug, self-righteous fools who think they’re justified in physically attacking that white kid, and I’ll shout them down for being the racist, misguided losers they are.

p.s. Yes, I’m aware “racistly” isn’t a word. I appropriated it from Don King.