These survey studies are an attempt to better understand how men are seen and treated in our society. While not equivalent to peer-reviewed academic studies, they do provide some hard data that I hope will inspire thought, discussion, and further interest in these topics.

(Length: 1,400 words.)

1. Overview

Heterosexual dating typically involves men initiating contact (approaching and asking for a number in real life, or sending the first message on a dating site) and taking on a greater share of planning, proposing, and even paying for dates. Given this dating dynamic, I am interested in whether people perceive dating as being primarily about men proving themselves to women, like how job interviews are typically seen as more about the applicant proving themselves to the employer than vice versa. I am also interested in whether people perceive men as having less “value” in relationships than women.

In the survey study reported below, respondents were nine times more likely to say that dating was about men proving themselves than to say it was about women proving themselves (one third of respondents did not indicate any difference). When asked about relationship value, half did not indicate a difference between men and women; however, those who did were more likely to rate men lower in value, to the effect that the average man’s value was rated as 6.3 out of 10, compared to 7.3 for the average woman.

2. Methodology

To help understand the above questions, 120 Americans (selected to approximately match the broader population in gender and political affiliation) participated in a short survey. They were asked whether they thought heterosexual dating was typically more about men proving themselves to women, women proving themselves to men, or “other / don’t know”. They also indicated their level of agreement (0–10 scale) to the following statements: “the average man is good enough for a relationship with most women” and “the average woman is good enough for a relationship with most men”.

3. Main findings

A moderate majority of respondents (60%) indicated that dating was more about men proving themselves, with a small number (7%) indicating that it was more about women proving themselves. A sizable minority (33%) selected “other / don’t know”. The 95% confidence estimates for the true population values are shown on the plot below.

Turning to relationship value, the mean level of agreement that the average man is good enough for a relationship with most women was 6.3 out of 10 (with a standard deviation of 2.6), compared to 7.3 (standard deviation of 2.1) for the equivalent question about women. In this sample, women were rated 1.1 points higher in value; with 95% confidence, the true gap is probably between 0.7 and 1.4 points.

The full distribution of responses is provided on the plot below. All ratings 6 and under were more often given to men; all ratings 7 and above were more often given to women.

To look at the results on relationship value differently, 38% of respondents gave a lower score to men, 10% gave a lower score to women, and 52% responded with the same score for both genders. Those who gave a lower rating to men did so by 3.1 points on average, while those who gave a lower score to women did so by 1.2 points on average.

4. Gender differences in responses

Men were more likely than women to say that dating was about men proving themselves (80% of men selected this option, compared to 40% of women). Women were more likely than men to select the “other / don’t know” option (52% of women versus 15% of men). In parentheses are the 95% confidence estimates for the true population values.

Men proving themselves Women proving themselves Other Men 80% (72–90%) 5% (0–15%) 15% (7–25%) Women 40% (28–54%) 8% (0–22%) 52% (40–66%) Both 60% (52–69%) 7% (0–16%) 33% (25–43%)

Both genders rated women higher in terms of being “good enough” for a relationship, and they did so by about the same amount (one point).

Rating for average man Rating for average woman Difference Men 6.1 (5.4–6.8) 7 (6.5–7.6) 1 (0.4–1.5) Women 6.5 (6.8–7.1) 7.6 (7.0–8.1) 1.1 (0.6–1.7) Both 6.3 (5.8–6.7) 7.3 (6.9–7.7) 1.1 (0.7–1.4)

5. Discussion

The average man was not seen as “good enough” for a relationship to the same extent that the average woman was. The simplest interpretation is that the respondents believe (or the hypothetical “average respondent” believes) that men just do not bring as much to the table as women do, whether in terms of character, appearance, charisma, social status, money, reproduction, or any other area that might be relevant for a relationship.

Alternatively, respondents might have evaluated who’s “good enough” based on their perception of men’s and women’s preferences or standards rather than their own personal opinion. Rating men lower might not mean “I think men bring less to the table” but rather “I think that women are not as happy with what men bring to the table”.

It’s interesting that both genders rated women as having more relationship value. There was no finding of men rating men higher and women rating women higher, which might be expected if we assume that people tend to be more aware of the kind of effort and value that they, and people like them, bring to the table.

This question asked specifically about being good enough for a relationship. It would be interesting to see what the responses would look like if the question asked about sex or casual sex. I would imagine that the gap in perceived value would be larger.

The other main finding is that dating was seen as more about men proving themselves than about women proving themselves. Value probably matters here, because if you think that men bring less to the table then it’s up to men to prove that they bring enough to the table. Beyond that, however, I think this finding is more complicated than it seems.

I initially thought of two additional explanations. The first was that because men are (usually) more open to having casual sex, they might be expected to “prove themselves” in the sense of proving their interest in more than sex. The second additional explanation was that by (usually) being the ones to initiate, men are making their interest in the woman clear and public, while her interest might not be clear or public—a dynamic that seems like it could plausibly lead to the man being expected to prove himself.

But when put together like that, those explanations seem almost contradictory. The first suggests that the person who’s less interested has to prove themselves (that they’re serious or interested), while the second involves the person who’s more interested having to prove themselves (that they’re good enough). I’m not sure how to disentangle these.

One clearer explanation for the results comes from the gender difference in responses. While both genders identified dating as being more about men proving themselves than women proving themselves, this pattern was especially pronounced in men’s responses. It seems that something about experiencing dating as a man (the anxiety of approaching, the frustration of rejection, etc.) makes a person especially likely to see dating as being about men proving themselves. On the other side, experiencing dating as a woman (for all of the anxieties and frustrations that women can experience in dating too) does not make a person especially likely to see dating as being about women proving themselves (although women had high rates than men of “other / don’t know”).

6. Supplementary information

6.1 Respondents

The sample of 120 people was divided equally by gender (60 men and 60 women). To attain a reasonably accurate balance between culturally conservative and culturally progressive, the men and women were selected for political affiliation based on 2018 voting patterns (men voted 52% Republican and women voted 60% Democratic).

Men Women Left-leaning 29 36 65 Right-leaning 31 24 55 60 60 120

The average age of respondents was 33. Right-leaning respondents were eight years older on average than left-leaning ones. (In parentheses are standard deviations; higher numbers indicate more age variation in a group.)

Men Women Left-leaning 28 (11) 31 (10) 30 (10) Right-leaning 36 (16) 42 (13) 38 (15) 32 (14) 35 (12) 33 (13)

6.2 Responses

Politics was not the focus of this survey study but the following tables provide the responses broken down by gender and political affiliation.

Men proving themselves Women proving themselves Other Left-leaning men 72% 0% 28% Left-leaning women 36% 6% 58% Right-leaning men 87% 10% 3% Right-leaning women 45% 12% 42%

Rating for average man Rating for average woman Difference Left-leaning men 5.8 7.2 1.4 Left-leaning women 6.3 7.7 1.4 Right-leaning men 6.4 6.9 0.5 Right-leaning women 6.7 7.5 0.8

6.3 Statistics

I’ve changed how I present the inferential statistics in these survey studies, with a focus on simplicity and readability. This includes preferring confidence intervals over p-values and avoiding more complicated statistical analyses and jargon when possible. The confidence intervals were calculated in R using MultinomCI from the DescTools package (for the question on dating) and the base t-test function (for the question on value).