***May***

"I... I should... Ihavetogodosomethingbye!"

Stupid.

"Hey, watch it! Idiot." The two boys just barely move out of my way in time. Sorry, my bad.

Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

Dust, that was so embarrassing. Why did I have to- Alright, calm down. I slow my step to a normal walk and try to take a few deep breaths, but it's no good. I ended up in the entrance hall, and I'm out of breath and I think my face is still a bit red, so I end up getting a few curious stares from students passing by. Always with the staring, all the time. My hand reflexively moves in front of my left eye, even though I'm already wearing my beanie, as always. Let's not be here any more.

I make my way up the nearest flight of stairs, then a few more before heading down a long, empty hallway. It was quite a stroke of luck finding that place when I was exploring the school a few days back.

Nolan and B recently became a couple, and I'm happy for them, I really am, but do they have to be so up-front affectionate when we're in our room? That's one of the disadvantages of co-ed dorms. Really, no one wants to see the two make out.

...Actually, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend back at Shade, Roy doesn't seem to mind the show all that much. He did mention he... went both ways at some point, but then can't he just stick with girls? Can't they all? It's not that I'm interested in any of them, it's that two guys together that way is just... they shouldn't- Come on, don't be like that. I don't have to like it, but they're still my teammates and friends, so I should be happy for the two having found someone, even if it's wrong. If they'd just tone it down a bit while others are present – which is why I'm here right now and not in our room.

I push open the glass door at the end of the hallway and step out onto the bridge connecting two of Beacon's towers. On the other side, instead of entering the tower, I carefully climb onto the railing and with a select application of Aura to boost my jump I don't even need my rifle to reach the edge and pull myself up onto the roof of the tower.

I circle around a bit before sitting down and leaning back, the roof pleasantly warm from the sun.

The tower's pointed roof has just about the perfect angle to lean on and to the outside dips below the edge, creating a nice footrest that makes sure I don't slide off.

And then the view... I can see all the way to Vale, and in front of that the Vytal Festival grounds, and off to my right an expansive forest tinged entirely in red. Forever Fall, I think, we did a short mission there a few days back to pass the time to the beginning of the Tournament.

This spot is just great. I have no idea if students are even allowed up here, but given that the only real way for anyone to catch me is for them to be up here themselves – or maybe with binoculars –, I think I'm pretty safe either way. This is probably the highest point in Beacon, and the whole area in a rather large radius – well, save for the central tower, but that one's the headmaster's office, I'm not even gonna try getting up there, that'd just be a whole lot of trouble waiting to happen, no thank you.

I've always been drawn to climbing and high places, ever since I was little. Treetops, towers, cliffs, mountains, not that we have much of the latter two in Vacuo. Being high up somewhere always puts me at ease. Nothing but the sky above me, the sounds of the world below muted into next to nothing, far away from people and their stares. All alone, peace and quiet.

...And this is why we can't have nice things, least of all me, as my thoughts invariably return to the thing I ran away from this time. Arslan. And me making an idiot of myself. I guess the only upside is that there was no one else around to see me look like a fool, or you can just bet they'd all be talking about me right now, about how that weird girl with the beanie tried to ask out another girl, but then chickened and ran.

Okay, being realistic, most of the students don't know me, and likely won't ever see me again after the end of the Tournament. Including Arslan, so it won't even matter if I made an idiot of myself. Good. Then why does that thought bother me?

Because I want... Why did Arslan have to be so- What? Nice? That's all she did: Be nice and understanding after I was needlessly rude to her. Really, there's no way to blame her. Which means it's me. I mean, obviously. I'm the freak after all.

It's times like this I hear the lure of the depth again. It's so easy. Just give in. Step over the edge, and fly, and never worry about anything again. Back then, shortly after... the incident, a few times I almost would have followed its siren call.

But I didn't. And I'm not about to now. That'd just mean I'd be running again. And I don't want to run anymore. That I keep saying, but I don't want to deal with this either.

I have to keep telling myself it means nothing. It has to. That's the only way to not be a freak. Or more of a freak, at least. Arslan was just trying to be friendly and it doesn't mean anything, to either of us. Now if I could just believe that.

What do I do if I don't want to run, but I don't want to face it either? I don't have the answer. I never do, it's what makes the abyss so alluring time and again. But as long as I believe the answer might be out there, somewhere, I'll keep resisting its call.

Still, sometimes I wonder. On that day, if it had been any of the others, anyone but me. If I just didn't exist, would it matter? To whom? The world? The world doesn't care. Not for me, nor anyone. Then does that mean it's all the same, if it was me or someone else? Maybe. Or maybe someone else would have been better off. Would not have been a freak.

Freak. Get lost. Weirdo. Cripple. But they're wrong, a little. I'll give them everything else, but I'm not a cripple. Despite my damage, I'm not broken. Despite their best efforts, I never was. If I had, I would have gone into the abyss long ago.

But can that alone be enough? Just the stubborn refusal to give up? Because in the end it changes nothing. It still doesn't matter if I exist or not. I don't have any dreams or aspirations, or even reason. I'm just doing what I'm doing to stop from thinking, for all the good it does. And I don't care if the Grimm or whatever get me at some point, in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if one more Huntress lives or dies?

I've had all these thoughts before, hundreds of times. I'm just spinning in circles at this point, so my Scroll signaling an incoming message is a welcome distraction. It's Roy.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

-Where are you?

- -On a tower

-K

-Care to come down from that

-tower and join us?

-This girl, Neon, is running

-around inviting everyone to

-a movie night in one of the

-rooms

-You in?

- -If Nolan and B can keep their

- -hands off each other for at

- -least 5 minutes, yes

-I'll tell them

-Come on, they're gonna start

-soon

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As I move over and hop off the roof onto the bridge, then start making my way back, I get another message.

-Btw, we're gonna be in room 219, it belongs to a Team ABRN

So much for movie night. After that just now, I can't...

I spend the rest of the evening alone in our room.

AN: May did not have a too pleasant childhood.

Welp, that got rather dark. This part was difficult to write, both for the subject matter and style I was going for, and because I can actually feel with May very well from personal experience (though I never had it as bad as she did), so any feedback on this one would be especially appreciated. Though if I may say so myself, I feel in the end it came out pretty well, I especially like the 'I'm not broken' bit.

Also the conversation at the end was supposed to look like a What'sApp sort of thing, but I couldn't find a way to get it to work with ff. net's sucky formatting, if anyone knows of any way to get tabs or multiple spaces to work, please tell me. (If you want to see the proper version, I'm on ao3 too (same name, same stories), and there the formatting worked.)