When I was 16 my wife gloated about how much she enjoyed sucking a friends dick to my sister. I overheard it and it made me disgusted and angry with females probably due to the crush i had on her at the time. It was the first guy who gave her attention and she gave bjs to hang out with him.

When I was 20 my wife and i started hanging out. First sexual interaction we have is her asking if I want to do it. She lays there like a sack of potatoes and pulls me into missionary and guides it in.

We had no contraceptives so she takes it out after she got off a few times and gives bj for 2 maybe 3 min. Im nervous af but trying to cum. She pops it out and says well im tired going to bed, rolls over and goes to sleep. I couldnt sleep go figure. 3 am i have racing thoughts about that convo she had 4 years prior and it hit me that i wasn't valued enough to her to make sure i came. Had sex next night and the same fucking thing haopened. I buy condoms for then on and no more issues.

Weeks go by and we talk about sex history. She goes into horrifying detail about everything. I assume I need more details about the bj friend she had in order to logically figure out how to unfuck my mind. Boy was i wrong. It's been 14 years I've been angry with female hypergamy. Been reading this forum for over a year and although i have the knowledge of why she gloated and why she did what she did to me It doesn't change anything. As if someone got vengeance on a guy who killed his family. They're still fucking dead.

I believe retroactive jealousy ocd is playing a part here. Thinking about my wife gloating and sucking this guy off in my head makes it feel like a present danger to my seed although it's in the past. Coupled with her lack of desire to finish sucking my dick a decade ago. Having trouble letting this go despite her having given me 500+ bjs since then.

My question is what the fuck do I do? I've thought about therapy. Will a fat balding guy in a chair who hasn't got a bj in 15 years be able to help me?