(Hint: They’re All Getting F**ked)

Isn’t it obvious? You’re career politicians, you’ve seen this song and dance before.

Right now, the whole country is up in arms. Not over the $20 trillion debt we’ve accumulated in the last 20 years, or our utter defenselessness from gun owners on murder sprees, or multi-national corporations profiting off the death of America the Beautiful and all her ecosystems, or the asinine polarization and self-serving behavior of politicians across the spectrum. (Hillary was always crooked, obviously. Unfortunately, most of you are too). No, not over any of those ticking time bombs.

Instead, the whole country is spending precious time and energy fighting over the Internet. Because your party’s lobby whores have been tickled and aroused by the modern Axis of Evil (Verizon, Comcast, and AT&T) into pacification. You’re willfully handing them Europe, Lebensraum, and control of the free world, in exchange for re-election money.

Why would people be so upset about that?

Well, while their congressional representatives drive America into the ground, people want to find escape, entertainment, and education through the Internet. Preferably, without getting their anuses prolapsed by monopolistic price packages from the Axis of Evil, made possible by you ripping up the Geneva Convention.

As for me? I’ve learned to see the humor in it. Because if our anuses are gonna get ripped, I realized someone else’s will too. Leading to the much more humorous question:

Why wouldn’t you, Republican Representative, be upset about this?

What do you believe is going to happen when your poor, rural voter base suddenly sees the internet bill costing twice as much? Presumably, they’re going to be fucking pissed with the Republicans that did it to them, but they aren’t going to change their stance on gays, God, guns, or anything else that ties them to conservatism. So what will they do?

Find the lowest common denominator.

That’s you, obviously.

Lots of you have been standing up to the president in favor of your constituents. Commendable, representing the interests of those you represent. But you don’t think the president remembers? You saved people’s healthcare for Christ’s sake! He wants your asses OUT. He wants his yes men IN. Chairman Pai’s innocuous little FCC repeal of Net Neutrality is his Trojan Horse, filled to the brim with the next generation of Republican Congressmen, eagerly waiting to stab all of you in the back, plaster 50 mini-Donald faces across the Trump-Spangled Banner, and finally give DC its statehood, so they can add his face to the flag one more time.

The funniest part of all? Their campaign money — the campaign money of your replacements — is coming from you!

Consider yourself “looking for work” if you allow the Net Neutrality repeal to go through, because you can bet every Republican competitor you face is going to pin that shit on you. And you’ll say, “No, no! It wasn’t me, it was them!” But no one will believe you, until the fascist challengers become the fascist incumbents, and they start driving America into the dark ages, while all you can do is sit back and cry, “I told you so! I told you so!”, while the world blames you for all of the darkness.

But you didn’t tell us so. Not really. Because the real chance to tell us so — the chance to represent your constituency in the short and long-term, the chance to save America from malignant demise and even start curing it — that chance is now, by taking an honest stand on Net Neutrality. If you don’t, enjoy the ride down with the rest of us, and the discomfort of loose, remorseful bowel movements for the rest of your life.