MOSUL, Iraq — Militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS) are surrendering en masse to the Iraqi government following the group’s seizure of thousands of meals ready-to-eat, which made the fighters largely ineffective amid cramps and diarrhea, Duffel Blog has learned.

In addition to a number of MREs seized from former U.S. military bases, ISIS fighters had received a large shipment the U.S. had air dropped in to support the Iraqi Army. As soon as they were dropped however, the soldiers of the Iraqi Army — deathly afraid of jihadists, loud noises, dogs, Saddam (still), and their own shadow — promptly fled the battlefield, allowing ISIS fighters to capture everything, sources confirmed.

“Many of us in the intelligence community were skeptical of this administration’s so called ‘support’ for the Iraqi government,” said Marvin Waltrip, an NSA analyst based at Fort Meade. “However, once Operation Red Line kicked off, the response was immediate. The terrorists began to experience what American soldiers had dealt with for almost 30 years. Stomach cramps. Uncontrollable diarrhea. And in some cases, thoughts of suicide. They didn’t stand a chance.”

Iraqi President Al-Maliki said that this victory capitalized on the previously successful deployment of 10,000 green berets to the war stricken nation.

Mohammed Al-Shwarma, a self-described Iraqi patriot and former leader of the recently disbanded 20th Iraqi Army Regiment in Tikrit, spoke with the Duffel Blog about the results. “It came as a great surprise to all of us. Victory after victory. My unit commander even convinced most of our soldiers to stop surrendering after we saw what kind of damage the MREs were doing to ISIS fighters.”

Shwarma, pausing to light a cigarette with a shaking hand, added: “Every time we would overrun another insurgent position we would find this trash all over the place.”

Ivanovich pointed to a mass of MRE boxes, heaps of human waste, and two bodies of dead ISIS fighters, with their faces contorted in excruciating agony.

“If the US government was delivering these to their enemies,” he said, holding up a meal labeled “Country Captain Chicken” in disgust, “Clearly we’ve underestimated the willpower of President Obama. Even Saddam Hussein never did anything like this.”

At press time, a fundraising email from Organizing for America had been circulating that highlighted “The Iraqi Miracle,” in addition to President Obama’s other successes, including the five Taliban leaders for an American soldier of little consequence, keeping NSA contractor Edward Snowden in Russia, and effectively preventing the Syrian government from using chemical weapons on its own citizens for the seventh time.