In the not-so-distant past, marriage meant my husband would have total control over my body. I want to rebel against that past, to demand my body is my body, even now, in an instance where maybe it’s reasonable that he should have a say.

Photo by Angelo Lacancellera on Unsplash

The way I see it, marriage is no longer cookie-cutter. For instance, monogamy may or may not be part of your marriage agreement.

For us, we’ve always agreed on monogamy, with the caveat that we both could imagine being monogamish, but it would be something we’d both have to agree to and constantly renegotiate.

So, when it comes to sex, my husband is limiting what I do with my body, but it goes both ways. I feel comfortable with it, because it’s the marriage I signed up for.

We have friends where one partner does sex work, and has since long before they met. The other partner is having a hard time with it. It’s not a new development, so it’s not a breaking of vows.

Should she stop doing sex work, since her partner doesn’t like it? Should her partner work to get over it, because that’s the partnership they signed up for? Is anyone right or wrong here? Are they just incompatible?

If I wanted to do sex work, I would understand if my partner opposed it, as it’s not part of our current agreement. But when it comes to using my body for non-sexual money-making, I know that I set the precedent early:

On our wedding day, I was recovering from ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, a rare(ish) side effect of my egg donation.

The night I told him I wanted to be a surrogate, I’d spent the day in the city for a paid medical study for the Seattle Vaccine Trials Unit, where they’re working on an HIV vaccine.

From selling plasma in my 20s to my current surrogacy dreams, I have always made money in unconventional ways, and have always viewed my body as (among other things) a money-making asset.

For many women and trans folk with limitations in our career journeys, there is some power in knowing, at least while we are young, we can use our bodies to help us get by. It’s not ideal, but taking this power from us doesn’t solve the problem.