It was during a state of confusion that I renounced my homeland, and I implore you to consider the evidence I offer, and intervene to have my renouncement, renounced. This medical state I find myself in - the state of confusion to which I refer - has now made headlines, almost hourly, for days. I feel bewildered much of the time, angry with the arrival of the morning newspapers, and now even fear the knock of a colleague on my office door. At first, I put it down to a dose of ‘baby brain’, having read that was a common affliction of women expecting a child. But I’m not so sure now; the confusion is growing. Let me illustrate what I mean. Simple words are throwing me. Take ‘partner’ for example. I had one for 24 years, until I had a new one, but now a national debate is raging over what partner I had when.

Indeed, it’s now even embroiled the prime minister, who said I didn’t have my current partner in December, and for travel purposes, that is 100 per cent correct. But the partner, who is now absolutely definitely my partner, is a bit upset that I was acting like her partner in December when I wasn’t actually celebrating it, at least publicly. Would Barnaby trade the Aussie bush for that land across the ditch? Credit:Alex Ellinghausen My address, too, seems to have changed. It was the farm. But then I was forced to leave that by my partner, who was still my partner then, but is now my former partner. There are also these 50 nights I claimed for staying in Canberra when Parliament was not sitting. And then there’s a townhouse back in the electorate, where I was staying with my now definite partner, who wasn’t my partner then. At the moment, I’m not living at any of them because I’m in hiding, fearful of the paparazzi. Imagine this. Next week, I will be acting prime minister, and homeless.

Loading This confusion has also led to chaos in the party, with no one knowing who is working for whom. My now-partner, who wasn’t my partner, worked with me, but then she left to work for my good friend and colleague, who had also worked in my office but then became a minister, and then she went to work for someone else, who I keep telling people wasn’t a minister. Now she’s not working at all, but I seem to be the one with a target on my head! I assure you my commitment to employment will remain strong, if you see your way clear to allow me to return to my homeland. Jacinda, I have good references. Gina Rinehart, a mining magnate, gifted me $40,000 recently. I was going to use it to ensure the country continued to have my services, but out of the goodness of my heart I returned it. People just don’t understand me. Perhaps they’ve been listening to that dipstick Johnny Depp and his dogs.