I lost a sibling this week.

It didn’t happen traumatically, or through a devastating disease, or with any warning. We weren’t surrounding him as he took his last breath, because he had not yet even taken his first.

He was only six weeks old, and we had only just discovered that he was coming before he was taken from us. We had not yet gotten to hold him, see him, meet him, or even name him.

That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I’ve spent the last two days trying to rationalize all of the reasons why I shouldn’t be so upset; I’m not his mother – her pain is so understandable and so real. It was so early in the pregnancy – does it even count as a death? We didn’t have time to grow attached to him – he didn’t hardly have a heartbeat yet. Miscarriages happen so often and to so many women – it’s nothing special or out of the ordinary, so I’m overreacting.

But none of that has helped.

That baby was the hope and prayers of eight years. He was the fulfillment of dreams that I had come to think wouldn’t be realized. He was the expectancy of being a big sister again, of having a new little one to love and teach and proudly watch grow up. He was a source of excitement and joy as I was already anticipating meeting him and loving on him.

There was room for him in our hearts long before he came, and he filled it up as soon as we found out God had placed him in our mom’s womb. So it hurt when he was torn out so soon, while our hearts were still tender.

I know it is supposed to be a comfort – knowing that God “is in control” of everything. But it almost makes it hurt more. If God is the one in control, then this wasn’t a complete accident or coincidental fluke of nature. If God is the one in control, and He has heard our prayers, then why would He answer them after so long, only to afterward snatch our baby away so quickly?

If God is the one in control, then it makes it so easy to blame Him and question “why?”. Why? Why? WHY?

But because I know that God is the Creator, and the author and finisher of life, I also know that that baby was just as precious to Him as he was to us, and probably more so. He created him, and, although he was never fully formed, our baby was a precious, living child who now gets to see the face of Jesus when he wakes up, instead of ours.

It still hurts, and it is an empty kind of pain. The feeling of missing someone I had never met, of saying goodbye to someone I hadn’t even said hello to. The feeling that something is missing; that we should be preparing rooms and picking out names, not returning back to “normal”.

My heart was prepared for a new little one, but he isn’t going to come.

I don’t understand why this happened, and probably never will. I have a little brother in Heaven, and I imagine he is waiting with my abuelita to greet us when we arrive. I will have to settle for carrying him in my heart instead of my arms until I meet him there.

I know that there are so, so many moms, dads, and siblings that have experienced the same thing and felt the same grief, and I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to take to heart the words of Job, “He gives and He takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord”, when we are actually going through the pain of having had someone taken away, but I am trying to trust God in this and I pray that you find peace in Him as well.

God is good, and even though it’s hard to see His plan sometimes, He IS in control. And that means I can trust Him and rest in the peace that everything truly will be okay.