Planning a move to Nashville? You’re not alone! I mean, you are really, really not alone! Thousands of people just like you are moving here every single month, and everyone has QUESTIONS — so many questions, in fact, that my Facebook feed is overrun with them every. Damn. Day.

Well, I’ve got good news for you, future Nashvillians. THIS CITY IS AWESOME. You’re going to love it here. We have a fabulous mayor who really cares about preserving all that makes Nashville unique! We’ve got commute times that ensure you can listen to multiple episodes of your favorite podcast before you get home! We’ve still got a few historic structures around to remind you of our rich local history (although you’d better go see ’em now, because they won’t be here long!) We’ve got tons of high rises that double as all-natural sunscreen and keep pesky skin cancers away! We’ve got loads of bachelorettes here around the clock, which means love is always in the air! Also, the scent of stale vomit. But let’s focus on the love, shall we?

I want to put all your fears you have about moving to our marvelous city to rest, so today, I’m answering some of the most common questions I’ve seen on my Facebook feed. I’m keeping things anonymous, but rest assured these are real, actual questions from real, actual people — PARAPHRASED to minimize Internet drama. 😂 Hopefully, my answers will help you in your move to THE AT THIS TIME IT CITY OF THE NOW MOMENT. Welcome!

Q: We’re moving to Nashville from California, where there are no bugs and the weather is awesome! I’ve heard your city has bugs everywhere and horrible weather and you can’t even go outside in the summertime and now I’m FREAKING OUT OMG HALP.

A: Instead of calling our bug situation a problem, we prefer to think of Nashville as ‘bug friendly.’ From black widows to wolf spiders, mosquitos to gigantic cicadas, disease-carrying ticks to stinging hornets, all are welcome here! So what if we can’t go outside in the summertime? You say that like it’s a bad thing! Outdoor activities are totally overrated. We Nashvillians prefer to spend our leisure time indoors (where the weather is awesome!) enjoying our cockroaches and brown recluses and rewatching the entire Game of Thrones series YET AGAIN. You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: I’m moving to Nashville from California and I’m worried about what will happen to my outdoor cat if I put him outside during your one of your apocalyptically hot summers. Thoughts?

A: Okay, this one’s easy. Here is how it’s going to work once you move to Nashville. 1. You will put your cat outside. 2. Your cat will get eaten by a coyote. You may call it traumatizing — We call it the ‘Circle of Life.’ You will love it here. I promise. Your cat? Maybe not so much.

Q: We just moved to a temporary rental in Nashville and all the things we don’t need right now are in boxes in our closets. But now that friends told us about your scary brown recluse problems, I’m wondering whether that was a good idea. What should I do?

A: You are smart to rethink that decision, new friend! Deadly brown recluses are everywhere in Nashville — EVERYWHERE! They’re so common here, in fact, that when we don’t see someone around for a while, we automatically know exactly what happened — DEATH BY BROWN RECLUSE. I suggest you take all those nonessentials out of their boxes immediately (wear a hazmat suit just to be on the safe side, please!) and line them up across your floors. Make sure nothing’s touching anything else and turn them over every two hours — You don’t want to create a brown recluse hiding place! Do this for the rest of your time in Nashville and you will be fine! You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: I heard you guys have SNAKES in Nashville and now I’m shook! We don’t have snakes in Ohio! Do they just hang out in your house or what? EGEEEAAACK.

A: I’m very surprised your real estate agent didn’t point out the ‘snakes will probably be hanging out in your house’ clause when you signed your closing documents. Here in Nashville, snakes love hanging out in houses — most frequently in kitchen pantries behind the chips, children’s beds, and your favorite handbag. If you see one, offer it some iced tea to make it more comfortable. We call that Southern hospitality! You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: I’m moving to Nashville from New York and I read something about a woman getting a culture shock when she moved here. Can you tell me more about this ‘culture shock?’

A: This is not something we generally publicize, but I’m going to give you the real deal — About a week after you arrive, expect an official from Nashville’s Welcome Committee to show up at your door with some electrical equipment. After reading you your rights as a Nashville citizen, he or she will place electrodes on your temples and administer the culture shock. It only hurts for a couple of hours afterward and the benefits are totally worth the pain — For the rest of your life, you will be able to tolerate country music! You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: We just moved here from California and I’m freaking out about your tornados! We don’t have tornados in California so I am utterly terrified. Are they very, very bad?

A: Oh, they’re not that bad! I mean, they’ve wiped out entire neighborhoods and killed a bunch of people, but other than that, there’s really nothing to fear! You’re going to love it here! I promise.

Q: I’m looking for a house in Nashville with a basement and it’s like they don’t exist! Where my basements at?

A: Here in Nashville, we believe basements are for utterly terrified out-of towners who are scared of tornados. We would much rather ride out an F5 crammed into a first floor half-bathroom than be assured of our survival in a big, roomy basement! Some of us do have outhouses, so think of that as a tradeoff for living in THE TOTALLY MOST BEST NOW CITY OF THE CURRENT TIME. You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: I’m about to move to Nashville and your crime reports are scaring me. Am I going to be okay?

A: I would say as long as you’re comfortable with regular car break-ins, home invasions, vandalism, drive by shootings, murder, theft, public drunkeness, burglary, assault, general mayhem, and a severely understaffed police force to handle everything, you’ll be fine! You’re going to love it here! I promise.

Q: I want to move to Nashville as soon as I graduate, but I keep hearing that Nashville doesn’t have much of a dating scene and the men are merde. Now I don’t know if I want to come to Nashville after all. What do you think?

A: Clearly, anyone telling you not to move here just wants to keep all of Nashville’s merde men to themselves. And look at it this way — a small dating scene simply means you won’t be overwhelmed with choices. This being Nashville, I’m sure by next year EVERYONE will be wanting to date merde men, so you will totally be ahead of the trend! You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: I’m looking to rent a place in Nashville that’s not too expensive — Any ideas?

A: Nope. But you’re going to love it here once you’re making at least $80,000 a year! I promise.

Q: I’m thinking of moving to Nashville, but I’m scared. Are people nice in Nashville? Do you like it there?

A: OMG, we all LOVE living in Nashville. Everyone is so nice. And when they’re not, we just say they’re ‘obviously not from Nashville.’

OOPS.

You’re going to love it here. I promise.

Q: We’re moving from Chicago and we’re used to walking and biking with our kids wherever we go. I know that’s not really possible in most Nashville neighborhoods, but I’m wondering if there are any suburban areas I’m overlooking where we could walk and bike to get places instead of driving. Can you think of any?

A: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no. Next.

(Oh yeah. You’re going to love it here. I promise.)

Q: Is anyone else sick all the time now that they’ve moved to Nashville? I just moved here from California and I’ve been sick almost every day since we got here. WHAT GIVES?

A: Think of it this way — When our pioneer forefathers moved to ‘that new place out west everyone was talking about,’ they got sick a lot too. Some of them even died. But they had an adventure, right? Isn’t that what matters in the end? You’re going to love it here, as long as you have good health insurance. I promise.

Q: We just moved to Nashville and now I have itchy bumps all over my body. Is this normal?

A: There’s a reason we’re known in some circles as ‘Rashville.’

You’re going to love it here! I promise!

I hope I’ve been able to put all your fears to rest, Nashville newcomers! We can’t wait for you to show up and join the party! Grab your cowboy boots and meet me on Lower Broad (it’s where all the locals go!) to celebrate your move to this TRENDING HOTSPOT CITY OF ITNESS: NASHVILLE.

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