When we praise our children for being “smart,” based on triumphs — like solving a problem or doing well on a test (or figuring out how to construct a cube with Magna-Tiles), we’re unwittingly encouraging them to believe that if they do poorly or make mistakes, they’re not smart.

And it’s not just what we say about our children’s triumphs that matters — it’s how we tolerate their setbacks. A study that Kyla Haimovitz, Ph.D., co-authored with Dweck in 2016 showed that parents’ “failure mind-sets” affect their children more than their views on intelligence. In other words, if parents think that failure is shameful, their children are more likely to be derailed by mistakes. But it’s subtle. For example, Dr. Haimovitz explained, your child may be struggling with early math concepts and you may say something like, “not everyone needs to be good at numbers,” as a way to comfort them. But what you’re really doing is implying that their math abilities are already set, and unchangeable.

It’s important to note, as Dweck does in this piece for the Harvard Business Review, that “Everyone is actually a mixture of fixed and growth mindsets, and that mixture continually evolves with experience.” No matter what you say or don’t say to your kids, you’re not going to get them to achieve perfect equanimity about every loss — it’s more about getting them more comfortable with failures big and small. Here are tips from Dr. Haimovitz about how to do that.

Ask questions about the process. One way the mainstream has incorporated growth-mindset research has been to praise our kids’ effort rather than their intelligence, but that can miss the mark. As Dr. Haimovitz pointed out to me, if you praise a kid for a school project he dashed off in five minutes, he’ll know your praise is empty. Instead, you can ask him questions about how he did it. You could say, “What an interesting drawing, tell me more about it,” or ask, “how did you solve this problem?” By telling you about his process, your child can give you insight into how he learns and help you know how to praise future efforts.

Observe them closely. If your child is working on a task at home, watch her to see what behaviors she’s exhibiting that are worth encouraging. For example, if she’s very focused on making jewelry, point out and praise that focus; if she’s asking a lot of good questions about a book you’re reading to her, or reaching out for help when she needs it, you can praise those behaviors as well, Dr. Haimovitz said.