The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

LSU Stands Behind Will Wade as Reddit March Madness Second Round Rages On

As a result of scheduling changes, we haven’t heard from the teams set to play tonight in about two weeks. Some coaches were itching to get to the podium.

The last time we saw Butler head coach LaVall Jordan, he was changing my life forever with his wisdom and grace. Today, decked in gorgeous white ropes and a papal hat, his demeanor didn’t change.

“I am here for you, my child,” he said, extending his hand and opening himself to me.

I took hold of his palm and felt his palpable energy course through me. My eyes rolled back into my head, and I involuntarily asked him for forgiveness.

“I accept you, my child,” he whispered, holding my back as I flopped in his arms, exhausted yet energized.

No. 5 seed Butler will play No. 4 seed Maryland in the first game of the day, tipping at 5 p.m. EST, which clearly didn’t have Jordan very concerned. Interestingly enough, Maryland head coach and half-man, half-terrapin Mark Turgeon wasn’t worked up, either.

“I do a tremendous amount of yoga,” he said, lumbering up at the podium. “It helps a lot with stress. Remember that gray spot I used to have in place part of my hair? It’s not there anymore because now it’s all gray from the stress of this job.”

After the Bulldogs and Terps finish, No. 2 seed Villanova and No. 7 seed Michigan will engage at 6:30 p.m. EST in a rematch of the 2018 National Championship Game, which the Wildcats won, 79-62.

“It’s a new year, and this isn’t even being played on a court with the same number of dimensions as when we met in 2018,” Villanova head coach Jay Wright said. “And this one isn’t for the national championship, which means we really need to be on our game. Michigan could actually win this one.”

When we last saw Michigan head coach Juwan Howard, he was petrified at the prospect of playing Florida almost every year and having to continually experience a hell on earth. Now that his hellish obligation has passed, he has returned to his normal, more Fresh Prince self.

“It’s not Bel Air, but it’ll do,” he said, wearing baggy overalls covering an oversized short-sleeve buttoned shirt, complete with a hi-top fade and a goofy expression. “Did you know Phil Martelli can’t dance? I keep asking him if he needs Malox, but he thinks he’s getting ready for Soul Train, as if that train didn’t leave his station a long time ago.”

No. 3 seed Duke and No. 6 seed West Virginia will have their showdown at 8 p.m. EST. Duke is trying to reach its third Sweet 16 in a row and ninth since 2009, while West Virginia is hoping to reach the round for the fourth time since 2015.

It will be a game of stark contrasts in culture, as Duke is more known for its self righteousness, elitism and arrogance, while West Virginia is much more associated with, well, other stuff.

“I have heard rumors that some of their players cannot read,” said Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski. “Now, I know saying something like that is low-hanging fruit, and I don’t have any proof. But, I place such a high value on education and everything else virtuous, and West Virginia is too good of a program for that. They’re too good of a program.“

West Virginia head coach Bob Huggins, who has already been responsible for the savage killing of one official during this tournament, did not appreciate the criticism from Krzyzewski. As one of the only people in basketball who gives such little of a shit that he would actually call out the Blue Devils boss if something like this did happen, he responded in kind.

“He said we have players who can’t read?” Huggins asked, then smiled and laughed deeply. “I guess that’s why we’ve had better APR ratings than Duke for a few years. But sure, our players are the ones who can’t read. “That jackass better keep to himself from now on, or we’re gonna have some problems,” Huggins continued, showing off his claws. “And there ain’t no way I’m apologizin’ for that.“

In the final game of the night, No. 1 seed Dayton and No. 8 seed LSU will take one another on at 9:30 p.m. EST for a place in the Sweet 16.

For the Flyers, a win over LSU would continue what has the potential to be an all-time run. The program hasn’t been to the Sweet 16 since 2014, which was its first trip to the round since 1984. Dayton has only made it that far in March Madness seven times, and its one and only Final Four came in 1967.

All that and then some looks attainable this time around, and head coach Anthony Grant will be damned if he let’s it start in just the second round.

“We didn’t come all this way to lose this early,” he said. “We have traveled a lot of miles throughout this season. The A-10 is very spread out. And it doesn’t have 10 teams. It don’t remember how many it has, but it isn’t 10. I don’t even know what Fordham is.”

LSU head coach and man-who-was-caught-blatantly-and-gleefully-cheating-on-tape Will Wade slithering into the press conference, dragging his thin tail behind him.

“I’ll be honest with you, I’m fucking tired of dealing with this thing,” Wade said as his tongue slipped in and out of his non-existent lips. “Like, I’m tired of dealing with this fucking shit … I went to him with a strong ass offer about a month ago. Fucking strong.”

LSU administrators said they don’t care about anything.

“There is no change to Coach Will Wade’s employment status at LSU and we will continue to not give a shit,” the school said.

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.