PITTSBURGH—According to sources who don’t see why he can’t just step on the gas and get a move on already, a local taxi driver was apparently just taking his sweet time as if his passenger weren’t 10 goddamned minutes late for a Color Me Mine pottery party. “I told you to take the freeway, man—c’mon, I’m going to be super late,” said passenger Alan Tate to the taxi driver, who either didn’t know or just flat-out didn’t care that the paint-your-own-pottery party that Tate was on his way to was already underway and would likely run out of Midnight Black glaze within minutes. “Please, please, please just hurry up, okay? It’s really important.” At press time, well, there go Tate’s chances of painting an entire bouquet of ceramic Funky Flowers.

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