ATHENS, OH – According to a study published last week by food scientists at Ohio University, local squirrels have adapted to a new and unique diet. Typically, squirrels fill their tiny cheeks with acorns, seeds, nuts, and insects — but Athens squirrels are far from ordinary.

“We had suspected for quite some time that there was something unique about the squirrels that roam college green,” Dr. Jane Hernandez, an Ohio University nutrition professor and researcher told The Black Sheep. “But we hadn’t expected to find such a dramatic departure from the usual dietary habits of squirrels.”

The study suggests that over the many generations of living in a college town, local squirrels have changed their food preference from nuts, seeds, and insects, to discarded sub sandwiches, abandoned burritos, and most of all, half-eaten pieces of pepperoni pizza.

Sound familiar? Researchers believe that university students, who have been back in Athens for just over a week, are directly responsible for this shocking dietary change. Dr. Hernandez described the squirrels’ eating habits as being “very similar to a typical college students’ late-night feasting.”

Opening weekend, the weekend before classes began, was a big day not only for new and returning students. It was also a feast for Athens squirrels, who had suffered considerably over the 3-month summer break. When students returned to campus, so did the squirrels’ lifeline: dropped drunk food.

The study also revealed that due to this unique diet, Athens squirrels have experienced intense genetic mutation, and are actually considered an entirely new subspecies of squirrel. Athens squirrels are much larger than the average Midwestern rodent, they are more hostile, and are much more prone to health problems like obesity, high cholesterol, and even alcohol dependency.

“Most people who live near campus have experienced some of the hostility that is common in this new, Athens subspecies,” Dr. Hernandez explained. “Sometimes the squirrels will throw acorns at students. We think this is their way of saying, ‘Please give me half of your Jimmy John’s,’ or, ‘Drop your Chipotle and nobody gets hurt.’”

This phenomenon hasn’t gone unnoticed by students, who have always been curious about the cohabiting species. Days before the official study was published, sophomore sports management major Kaden Gongerich captured an image of a local squirrel, eating a forgotten piece of pizza. Gongerich, having no idea that this piece of pizza was an average brunch for the squirrel, promptly shared the image to OUSnaps, a Snapchat account that many OU students follow. The caption read “This happened.”

It did, indeed.

“What students need to understand,” Dr. Hernandez said, “is that Athens squirrels have become dependent upon students’ wasted, unwanted, dropped, and discarded meals. These animals need these greasy foods in order to survive. This is not a joke. This is life or death.”

OU students have responded to the revelation with support and creativity. Many have promised to leave half of their Friday night O’Betty’s for the squirrels on College Green, sources told The Black Sheep. One student, junior Eric McFarland, is organizing an Athens Squirrel Fest, which will take place at his home on Palmer St. this Friday. He encourages his classmates to “show up, get drunk, and leave a little something for the squirrels.”

McFarland also hopes to see a few Athens squirrels at his party.

“I read about the study a few days ago and I couldn’t believe it,” Gongerich said. “But then I thought, ‘If I were a squirrel, I would choose day-old DP Dough over an acorn any day.’”

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