Say what you will about Michael Bay – the man's oeuvre is filled with more explosions than lines of dialogue, but at least he is relentless in his pursuit of creating the most spectacular, big-scale carnage ever filmed. While this can lead to some incredible action set-pieces, the lack of a decent story and script can turn Bay's carefully-orchestrated chaos into nothing more than a mess.

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Here, we look over Michael Bay's filmography and countdown to his best film, starting from his very worst. To achieve this, we have implemented a technologically-infallible system known as the Michael Bay Smug-o-meter, to properly gauge the appropriate feeling that Bay should have about his film. Let us commence!As what is easily Bay's biggest misstep (though not in terms of financial success), the first sequel in the Transformers series was so mind-bogglingly dumb that any goodwill achieved by Bay on the first Transformers film immediately evaporated. Many cinema-goers were left utterly convinced that there is no way on Earth (or Cybertron) that the latest entry in the series, Transformers: Dark of the Moon could possibly redeem it. In other words, that's some pretty hardcore hatred.So where did it go wrong? Let's just say that approving and beginning pre-production on an enormous summer tent pole film, without a script, is not exactly the best way to go about things. The script might have come together nicely, had it not been for the writers' strike effectively cutting off the film's robot balls, leaving the writers to scramble out an incoherent mess of a story, that featured pyramids, geriatric Decepticons, and I kid you not, robot heaven. It also didn't help that the film was stuffed with completely obnoxious caricatures (they don't deserve to be called characters), many of which were simply racial/cultural stereotypes created to consistently berate your ears with their irritating dribble.

Smug-o-meter Rating: WET FUSE – "I got tears all over my pyrotechnics."

Pearl+Harbor

It seemed like the recipe for an incredible classic. Take the framework of a love story and place it into the epic backdrop of a famous historical event. That can't fail. It worked for Titanic, right? Unfortunately, things didn't go as smoothly as that. With a central love-triangle that was dead on arrival, and clichéd 'soap opera' melodramatics that made people laugh rather than cry, Pearl Harbor failed to impress, story-wise.Where Pearl Harbor did impress, however, was in the sheer awesomeness of its action scenes, which comprised its entire middle hour. The film includes some of the most impressive action sequences of Bay's career; with one standout camera shot of a bomb being dropped while the camera follows it all the way down to its target being exhilarating to say the least. But for all of its spectacle, one couldn't shake the distasteful feeling of a filmmaker turning one of the most tragic events in America's history into popcorn entertainment. When a movie is based on true events, watching thousands of people die shouldn't be fun, no matter how many bloodless attempts to show the 'horrors of war' this PG-13 movie tried to include. Saving Private Ryan this is not.

Smug-o-meter Rating: TORPEDOED – "You sunk my Battleship."

Armageddon

Things are starting to warm up. While not a classic in any sense, Armageddon is exactly the kind of macho, big-budget popcorn blockbuster that Michael Bay excels at. Here is where his penchant for large casts full of character actors began, with the film's team of oil drillers consisting of the likes of Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Will Patton and many more alongside main drawcards Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck. The plot is simple. The world's best oil drillers are recruited to save the world from a big-ass meteor. Sure, no one is going to confuse this with Citizen Kane, but it isn't trying to be that kind of film, which makes it a fun, if heavily clichéd rollercoaster of a movie.While it's definitely entertaining, it's by no means perfect. The implausible nature of the plot keeps you from ever really taking it seriously, even in moments of drama. It was also made at the height of Ben Affleck's career, so his smugness even rivaled that of his director, which doesn't particularly make for a likable lead. Luckily, once the bravery of his character starts kicking in, you begin to warm to him. Another complaint about the film is that it's incredibly manipulative in its attempts to tug at your heartstrings, making it the definitive action film that people are ashamed to admit they cried during. You really do feel embarrassed at yourself when you realise your eyes have welled-up over Affleck's "Harry I love you!" scene at the end of the film. Go on, admit it. You cried.

Smug-o-meter Rating: METEORIC– "Mission Accomplished."

The+Island

Bay's first film away from his usual partner in crime, Jerry Bruckheimer, was unfortunately a box-office bomb. As his first real attempt at science-fiction, The Island is a much brainier film than Michael Bay is normally associated with. The film is about a futuristic facility (run by Sean Bean) where clones of rich people are bred, so that their organs can be harvested when needed. The twist is that these clones are awake and have feelings, so when Ewan McGregor and an insanely-hot Scarlett Johansson find out about this, they naturally escape, and all sorts of mayhem and vehicular carnage ensue. This is high-octane, action-packed entertainment where you actual feel for the characters.So why wasn't this film more of a success? It could be due to the casting of Ewan McGregor as an action movie lead. The guy is brilliant, but perhaps audiences didn't want to see him in that kind of role. It also didn't help that the marketing of the film tried to keep what 'The Island' actually is as a mystery. The film's PG-13 rating didn't really help, with Bay famously refusing a suggestion from Scarlett that she perform her love scene topless, as he didn't want to bump up the rating. Ever hear of an 'Unrated' version, dude? Way to crap all over our dreams, Mr. Bay.

Smug-o-meter Rating: GENETICALLY-SUPERIOR – "I know it's good. If only I could clone-up some more audience members…"

On the next page - Bad Boys and the Martin Lawrence dilemma.