PROVIDENCE, RI—In a groundbreaking discovery they say will provide new insights into the complex functioning of the neural system, scientists at Brown University announced Thursday that, through the use of magnetic resonance imaging, they have successfully identified the part of the brain all your hair grows out of. “For centuries, medical science has struggled to understand hair—why humans produce it, what conditions result in certain colorations or cowlicks, and why some people experience thinning over time. Now, after extensive research, we’ve found the precise location of the brain where all human follicles grow from,” said lead neuroscientist Dr. Avi Samuel, confirming the long-debated hypothesis that patients who experience baldness may have underdeveloped prefrontal lobes or have suffered irreversible brain damage. “Initially, we had to admit that we had no idea where human hair came from. Of course, we firmly rejected the old superstition that hair grew forth from the soul, but we honestly couldn’t come up with a better explanation. But after months of scans, we can now confirm that at the onset of puberty, this fertile region of the human cerebrum kicks into overdrive, sprouting as much body hair as possible, and maintains this follicular capacity throughout the human lifespan.” The research study further suggests that memories may be stored in each individual strand of hair, providing yet another reason why it may be dangerous to attempt to cut your own hair.

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