~ Breaking The Silence – My Personal Story of Mental Health ~

Photography by keenangrams on Unsplash

This is Rani’s personal story of Mental Health. She is from New Zealand. Rani is strong and resilient. Definitely worth the read if you or someone you know is dealing with any mental health issues.

A story that had been written in a Facebook Group caught my attention: Life Matters Suicide Prevention Trust

When I reached out to her privately because I felt her story was so inspiring and wanted to know more. She responded and is an absolute delight!!! She gave me permission to post her story as well as her name because she is not ashamed to be in her own skin anymore.

Rani’s intimate description of her mental health stay at a phyciatric ward

I began writing this on the 19th of August, 2019. It was during my inpatient stay at the Waitakere Mental Health Clinic (Auckland,NZ).

An intimate description of my mental health stay

In the first place, I admitted there after my second failed suicide attempt. Desperately seeking help and support. Unfortunately what I received was anything but helpful.

When arriving, the process was to be evaluated, later was diagnosed with suicidal tendencies, severe depression and anxiety Then I was drugged up and sent to private room where I spent the next eight days. I was starting to feel like a prisoner being punished for my suicide attempt.

Provided unnecessary pharmaceuticals



Particularly some of the pharmaceutical drugs prescribed were Venlafaxine, Lorazepam, Nozinan, and Zopiclone. I asked my nurse many times if these were safe to take while breastfeeding my child. She said the venlafaxine was safe but after a quick google search, I found this quoted:”Long term studies on children older than two years have not been done“.



In general I was feeling anxious, what about the other pills I had also been prescribed? Had they been tested for safety during breastfeeding? I couldn’t find any evidence that stated if they were safe or not. This continued to build up my anxiety and made me feel extremely guilty. I thought that I may be harming my child by breastfeeding. The doctors could offer me no advice and suggested I perhaps stop breastfeeding altogether.

Details on my stay at the Waitakere Mental Health Clinic



The Waitakere Mental Health Clinic was anything but relaxing. The floors in my bedroom were stained everywhere and there were chunks of decaying food in certain areas. Despite the uncleanliness, my room wasn’t too bad. The bed was comfortable but it was hard to relax with the constant ranting voices of patients. They were desperate for more drugs or attention from someone, anyone. What was seen during my stay was just people wanting to talk or to be seen and included.

In certain instances patients were ignored and treated like second class citizens by the faculty. Staff members would often just stay in the staff room. They would avoid contact with the patients until it was time to drug them up or give them their daily allowance of food.

Staff Behavior

On more than one occasion, I saw nurses just slam the door in the patients faces. They were tired of listening to the patients asking for help or just wanting to talk. I know the NZ mental health system lacks funding. (According to this article they have more than enough funding in New Zealand for Mental Health Care.) For people working there to lack compassion, was truly heartbreaking to see.

What I expected VS reality

To explain, when someone is admitted into a mental health ward for depression or suicidal tendencies. It would have been expected of them to be treated with love and support, not treated like the plague that need to be avoided. The state of the in-patient mental health clinic was truly disheartening. From the many unemotional staff, to the prison like atmosphere. Patients admitted were numbered, labelled as mental and drugged up, just enough to be semi functioning humans. Next the clinic sent off us to isolated bedrooms or the dreary “common room”. In the common room they could watch TV, read expired gossip magazines and do puzzles.

In this case my time there was spent without being offered any type of professional counselling. Not even once. I was simply loaded up on pharmaceuticals and left to dwell on my situation. Which is exactly what I did. I spent countless hours in my isolated room feeling alone, forgotten and completely worthless.

Facility and staff’s lack of programs and empathy

In fact the facility currently was not offering any type of in-patient group counselling. Due to a select few of us, we took it upon ourselves to gather daily. Everyone discussed our feelings and struggles. All of us talked about our hopes and dreams. These gatherings were so incredibly valuable. Hearing others stories, just to hear their battles that they were facing. Most of, if not all could relate to the horrible stigma around depression and suicide. It was a relief to be able to talk to people who did care. They were all coping with their own problems as well and still took the time to help each other.

@Icna1028 at Unsplash





Classes available but without notice to patients





Our group did have the chance to attend a few classes, one being a relaxation and stress relief class. I actually found this useful. However, spaces were limited and it was a first come, first served approach. Often people missed out. People didn’t even have a clue these classes were being held. If you wanted any sort of help you had to ask.

Particularly with depression and anxiety is, asking for help can literally be one of the hardest things to do. I spent countless hours just crying in my room. I was to scared to reach out for help. My anxiety made it feel like I was physically locked in my room. Along with the constant crying, I was also experiencing panic attacks. They were really scary.

Symptoms from my anxiety and panic attacks

Coupled with the thought I was actually dying, my heart would race, I could barely breathe, my body would get so tense. Not to mention, there was no one I could ask for help. My anxiety had taken over. I literally couldn’t reach out, and not a single staff member bothered to check in with me.

The only times I spoke to the staff was when they were giving me my prescription pills. They asked how the pills were making me feel. They asked if I was noticing any change in my state of mind or if I was experiencing any side effects. If I was nauseous or having suicidal thoughts.

I was ready to go!

Notably the crazy thing was, I did continue to get suicidal thoughts and was suffering from other common side effects such as nausea, headaches, excessive yawning, weight loss and increased anxiety from all the medications. Being too scared to say anything from the fear of not being released from the ward.. I had a family that was missing me and I knew home was exactly where I needed to be. If I was to tell them I was still suicidal it would have extended my stay.

That was the last thing I would have wanted or needed. I knew staying there was not helping and I began making plans to get therapy and get my life back on track. I wanted out of this prison like facility. Their rules and regulations stated that I was not allowed to self discharge. I patiently waited, followed the doctors orders and was finally released after eight days and a quick re-evaluation from the psychiatric team. The doctor cheerfully told me that I would be on the pharmaceutical drugs for at least two more years but possibly for the rest of my life. Then he gave me my script and sent me home.

Coming home and finding the strength to head in a positive direction for my mental health

By this point I still had no counselling offered. Still no love or support shown. When I was returning home my anxiety started to decrease. I booked an appointment to see a psychologist and I made an appointment with a naturopath. My psychologist is fantastic. She gave me more support and useful information within our first appointment than I got during my entire stay in the psychiatric ward.

Surprisingly she gave me hope and the courage to keep going on. I was finally getting the support I had been searching for. My naturpath doctor quickly went to work and found me some alternatives to the pharmaceuticals. They were substitutions that didn’t have horrible side effects and were actually safe for me and my breastfeeding child. She also showed me some amazing breathing and relaxation techniques. One really effective technique was the Buteyko method of breathing. This method has helped me regain control when my anxiety tries to take over.

Opening up about my mental health

Overall, the most important thing I did for my mental health was to start talking. my entire family and closest friends what I exactly what I was going through. Next I began being completely open and honest with them. I was done hiding my depression. I was done feeling ashamed for the state of my mental health. When starting to reach out to them, what I got back was more valuable than any therapy or drugs. The love and support I was searching for had arrived.

The benefits of reaching out

Provided that I had know how beneficial reaching out truly was, I would had done it years ago. The stigma around mental health made me feel ashamed. I’m not going to lie, reaching out was hard. I was feeling embarrassed. As soon as my friends and family knew the particular history of my mental health battle , I was flooded with love and support. I had family driving to Auckland from all over the country. Friends were calling and messaging me daily, just to check in and say hi. I completely felt worthy, I finally realized I wasn’t alone in this battle.

Love and Support

Furthermore I found what I had been looking for. Love and support. I still battle with depression and anxiety but it’s getting easier every day. Expressively talking about it, the better I feel. I realized the more I reach out, more support I got in return. The more I realize I’m not alone, the easier it is to fight this. If I had one piece of advice for someone in my situation it would be to reach out.

After all as hard as it may seem. It could literally save your life. If you see or know someone is struggling with their mental health then please talk to them because it’s very possible that they are not strong enough to ask for help. (If you are having trouble, be strong, good things are coming).

Suicide Awareness

24 hour hotline 7 days a week 365 days a year

This strong woman is Rani Welsh, you can reach her on her Faceboook page. Although the story made me feel the hospital may have been unbearable at times. It gave her the time to focus on herself and the motivation to make a change. She put a healthy plan in place and followed through. To me she is an absolute rock-star!!!

Thank you everyone for reading

This is one of my new favorite inspirational stories. I can 100% relate. Someday I will share my story.

Resources for help:

National Prevention Lifeline – Suicide help, resources and support.



National Health Lone 24/7 – 365 days a year focused on addiction and mental health – Mental Health and addiction support and references.





Photography edited by Canva software

Please let me know if you have had a similar situation or have dealt with a Mental Health issue.

FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND SHARE!! Thank you for your support to raise awareness and help others along the way.

Xoxoxoxox

Tanya’s Safe Haven