Dave Killen/The Oregonian

By Lizzy Acker

Portland used to be so great. But not anymore. Everything has changed. Or else what used to seem romantic now just seems dumb. If you were looking for that one thing to push you over the edge and back to your hometown, well, here are 13.

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Stephanie Yao Long/The Oregonian

It won't stop raining. Ever.

As of Thursday, it's been raining for 147 days. You know where it's sunny? Cleveland. Los Angeles. Phoenix. West Palm Beach.

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AP Photo/Reed Saxon

Rent is too high here and there are basically no apartments with swimming pools.

In Cleveland, you can get a two bedroom townhouse with a pool for $814 a month. You can get two bedroom apartment with a pool in Phoenix for $950. In Los Angeles, you pay a lot more but you also might run into Leonardo DiCaprio at your neighborhood Pinkberry. In Portland, you can pay $1,485 per month for a two-bedroom apartment. You don't get a pool but you definitely get bike storage.

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AP Photo/Alan Diaz, File

And don't even think about buying a house.

Are you a non-rich person who wants to live in a house you own somewhere in Portland's city limits? Sorry about it. But you know what? The housing market in Dallas is super great right now! Also, your money will go a long way in Florida.

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Margit Bowler

It takes too long to drive to the ocean and when you get there, it's cold.

If you lived in Los Angeles, you would be at the ocean right now. And you could probably get in if you wanted. If you owned a house in Florida, you’d be swimming with manatees right now. Astoria doesn’t even have a beach and let’s be honest, Cannon Beach is nearly always too windy for a picnic.

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AP Photo/Don Ryan, file

And Mount Hood is overrated.

It seems like such a great winter escape, that mountain in the distance. But every perfect snow day means sitting in traffic for hours, just for the chance to park in an overflow parking lot and get run over by the youth ski team kids if you ever get to the mountain, which will probably be just a hard sheet of ice, sprinkled in a fine dusting of “snow.”

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Photo by Brad Barket/Invision/AP, File

This place is full of Californians.

Why would Californians come here when their state has the economy of a small, wealthy nation, Leonardo DiCaprio and required paid family leave? Go to back to your state, where you don’t have to deal with that haughtiness. Or, in the case of your state being California, go back to that state and say hi to Leonardo DiCaprio at Pinkberry.

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AP Photo/Don Ryan, file

Our bridges are nice in theory but poorly executed.

Bridges look cool on a poster in your bedroom. Take that poster with you to your affordable home in Michigan or Tennessee, where whether you get to work on time or not isn’t dependent on which ships are heading down the Willamette River or earthquake retrofitting or whether or not somebody got in a fender bender during the morning commute from Vancouver.

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Stephanie Yao/The Oregonian

There are potholes everywhere.

Do you even care about your car at all? If you do, move somewhere without potholes the size of Texas in every single road.

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Photo by Todd Williamson/Invision for Fox Searchlight/AP Images

There are too many tourists eating donuts.

When you moved here there were no tourists eating donuts and now they are basically everywhere. Find yourself back in your hometown, where all the donuts are gross and there is nothing a tourist would ever pay to visit and no one knows anything about stupid pink boxes.

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Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

The Blazers have only won one championship ever and it was before you lived here or were born.

Does it make you sad when the Blazers lose? Do you feel the need to lash out at Meyers Leonard on Twitter? Here’s an idea: Go home to wherever it is that you came from where everyone wins basketball championships every year.

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AP Photo/Ted S. Warren

We also have a professional men's soccer team. Allegedly. Good luck getting a ticket to a game.

You’ve heard of the Timbers. Rumors and myths about a winning sports team. But you haven’t seen them because every time you try to get a ticket, the game is sold out due to a horde of ruffians dressed in green who appear out of the mist into the old Civic Stadium for every home game.

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Mike Zacchino/The Oregonian

The MAX free square doesn't exist anymore.

And the transit cops don’t count your aged leather jacket as a free pass when you don’t buy a ticket between Pioneer Courthouse Square and the Lloyd Center.

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Alicia J. Rose

The Decemberists are no longer playing small, free venues like Lewis & Clark's dorm cafe.

It used to be so easy to see new music that no one had heard of. All you had to do was walk over from your dorm to the Rusty Nail. But now you aren't in college anymore and the Decemberists and the Shins and whoever else are no longer playing cool, indie venues and the bands that are playing those venues...well, those shows start after 9 p.m. and they are no Decemberists, okay?



Maybe it's finally time to go home, where there never were any Decemberists to begin with, where you can hook up a great sound system using all the money you saved on your house. You can still wear your leather jacket, as you drive around, never caring about a bridge being up or down. And when you go to happy hour with your high school friends, you can regale them with tales of Portland, what it used to be like, before it was played out and you got out, just in time.

Unless you're Leonardo DiCaprio. If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, please, come move to Portland. We've got great donuts, a nice mountain and houses you could definitely afford.