As we prepare to shovel the last few piles of earth onto the corpse of the 2017 Seattle Mariners to bury it for all of eternity, we received word this morning that there would indeed be another. Another Mariners season, that is. Here it is, in blue, white, and silver:

But first, let’s have one last round of curses for the 2017 schedule. The MLB schedulers rarely do this team any favors, as it is the most geographically secluded team from the bulk of the rest of the MLB teams. But, 2017 was especially punitive. Opened on the road. Played 7 out of the first 10 games against the world-beating Astros. Practically all of August, the best month of weather in Seattle, was spent toiling on the road. Ending the season with a road trip. The list of grievances is long.

But let’s look into the future, where nothing bad has happened yet. No fate but what we make, right “Terminator” fans? Sure.

March/April

Okay, so right off the bat I can tell we’re in for some cursed monkey paw bullshit here. The team opens at home, in March, on a Thursday at a normal time. That’s good! Then there is a day off, on a Friday. That’s bad! Then the season continues with two weekend 1:10 PM games. That’s good! Did I mention the opening series is against the Indians? God dammit /kicks table.

I have very fresh memories of this home opener, but still, getting to have an actual season opener at home is very cool and I’m already excited.

But, yeah, look at that March/April schedule. There are a total of five(!) off days, which is torturous for us jonesing baseball fans, but very good for the players themselves. Even though the season has just started, most of them have already spent the previous month or longer in Arizona (shudder) and I’m sure they will benefit from the rest.

So one home series, then an utterly bizarro road trip after an off day with two games in San Francisco (oh hi grant), three games in Minneapolis separated by another mid-series Friday off day (don’t overdo it on the fried cheese curds, guys) and finishing in Kansas City. The rest of the April is pretty normal with hey, only four games against the World Series Champions(TM) Houston Astros. All right.

May

May looks pretty average, with the exception of three consecutive Monday off days. Make plans now, I guess? Who wants to party next May on Mondays only? No takers? Hmm.

There’s the annual visit to Toronto and hosting the Twins at home, but other than that it’s mostly all AL West, all the time.

June

June kicks off with 7 games (not in a row obviously) with the Tampa Bay Rays, which is...whatever. Then we have a very special and very hateful homestand with the Angels followed by the Red Sox. Yippie. That seems like an early candidate for the next LL Hate Week, especially since it is followed by the often-lauded “big East Coast road trip” to play the Yankees, Red Sox, and Orioles. June 2018 already has my blood up. Jeez.

July

In July we have home and away series with the Rockies, our new natural rivals(?). Seems like a lovely time to make a trip to Coors Field, note to self. Then the Giants come to town for a two game series, which will be the first of at least 3 series where the visiting team’s fans will surely outnumber Mariners fans. Take a wild fucking guess what the other ones are.

August

I’m sure you guessed Toronto, right? Well, here it is. Save your outrage, it’s an entire country versus a small region, okay? These simple Canadians get to have one big weekend out of the country and they spend all their funny looking money here in our local economy and we just have to grin and bear it when they get obscenely drunk and briefly lose their perfect Canadian manners. Time is a flat circle, and Blue Jays fans are currently breeding in the bowels of Safeco Field, preparing for the great August bloom. You cannot stop them.

UPDATE: It gets worse.

You better move fast if you want good tickets to see Blue Jays at Safeco next season. Their 4-game series falls on the BC Day long weekend. https://t.co/LLsEm1c7ul — Kyle Reynolds (@KyleMReynolds) September 12, 2017

Like I said, you can’t stop them.

But hey, at least there are TWO homemstands this August instead of ONE. Oh, the next one is hosting the Dodgers and the Astros.....FUCK.

The Dodgers are the third aforementioned time that the visiting team’s fans will surely outnumber Mariners fans. The messed up thing is that I’m pretty sure that the 2017 Dodgers and their impending utter fucking implosion and loss in either the Wild Card game or first round will have no bearing on the amount of LA fans at this series. Oops, I mean “fans.” They like the hats. They are nice hats, after all. Very classic.

Oh and also they will play the now good Diamondbacks in Arizona and OH MY GOD YES THE PADRES YESSSS THANK YOU BASEBALL GODS. WE MISSED YOU, PADRES. WE MISSED YOU, YA LOVABLE LIL’ BASEBALL SCAMPS. C’MERE YOU.

September

Okay, the finish line! Hopefully the Mariners are still mostly alive at this point instead of mostly dead or absolutely-crushed-in-the-gears-of-the-AL-West dead. September 2018 has THREE off days. That’s good! The Mariners host the Yankees, too. That’s probably bad. The Mariners also host the Padres. That’s good! It’s followed by seven games against the Angels and Astros. God dammit /kicks ottoman.

But hey, the team does get to finish the regular season at home, which I always think is nice because, dead or not, it allows us fans to see it out to the very end and truly say goodbye.

So there you have it, the 2018 schedule. What series are you looking forward to? What series would you consider traveling to? How much did you miss the Padres this season?