Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence and American Dad Tim Kaine face off in a live debate at Longwood University tonight and I am so pumped. In, like, a really chill, "no one will probably talk about Rosie O'Donnell" sort of way. So, like, medium pumped.

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While there will probably be a marked lack of shimmying at tonight's debate, the stakes are still high. So here's eight things I'm going to need from Tim Kaine for this debate to be a success.

1.

In the grand new tradition of modern political debates, I'd love for Kaine to bring up his celebrity feuds. Let's all talk about celebrities we're feuding with. I am sure that Kaine has a long-standing beef with Greg Kinnear and I want to hear all about it. "As Good As It Gets? Not very good." (Tim Kaine's sick burns are very gentle.)

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2.

Kaine should talk about how much extra he pays in taxes. It's clear that Kaine is the kind of person who gleefully pays more than his fair share and probably also writes friendly notes in the comments line of his checks. I want to hear all about it.

3.

"Stop and frisk: bad. Stop and affirm with words of encouragement: good." ::turns to Mike Pence:: "Mike, we disagree on a lot of things, but I think you are a person who is trying his best and that does not go unnoticed. Bring it in for a hug?"

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4.

For 15 minutes, Kaine should hem-and-haw about how he enjoyed Luke Cage but he wasn't sure how he felt about the violence. I'd like him to get so wrapped up in his thoughts that he sits cross-legged on the floor and Mike Pence has to stare awkwardly into the camera. Mike Pence has not seen Luke Cage.

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5.

"Hey, everyone, I just brought a bunch of pictures of me as a smoking hot 30-year-old. I hope that's okay. Do you want to pass them around?"

6.

Would a tap solo be too much to ask for? Or at least a wicked harmonica jam sesh.

Did you know that Tim Kaine played the harmonica? I did not but I should have expected as much. It's less phallic than Bill Clinton's saxophone but still slyly soulful. Is he in a Blues Traveller cover band called Rin Tin Tim? Probably.

7.

Literally an hour of funny stories about Ecuador. Followed by a rousing sing-a-long. I want to hear every last detail. I hope Clinton wins so that we can be treated to four years of tall tales from Kaine's time in Honduras like he's a Central American Sophia Petrillo.

8.

At the end of the debate, I want to hear Tim Kaine's comprehensive, 19-point plan for avoiding those creepy clowns in the woods. I want Tim Kaine to stare deep into the camera and tell us how we can fight off this menace. I want him to pull out a chart that details the various kinds of clowns. I want him to show us different self-defense moves. Perhaps using Mike Pence as a begrudging assistant.

"Charge at me, Mike. Full speed. Like you're a murderous mime. C'mon buddy!"

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And as a surprise, I want him to bring out an actual clown at the end! The audience will gasp. The moderator will scramble away from the desk. The producer will scream "Cut to commercial" but some studio executive will place her hand firmly on the control panel and shout "No! Let's see where this goes."

And then I want Tim Kaine, American Dad, to meticulously wipe the makeup from the clown's face, revealing... Greg Kinnear!

"You see, America, clowns are nothing to fear. They're just normal people, like you and I. Sometimes they're our enemies, like good for nothing Greg Kinnear, here. Sometimes they're just meddlesome kids. I want you to stay alert, stay safe, and never be afraid. Thank you, Greg, for joining me here tonight to teach the public an important lesson. Now never show your face around me again."

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R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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