Why I Am Changing the Name of Our Puppy-Burning Movement to “Alt-Warmth”

When I started this movement, my goal was to connect like-minded individuals who were interested in the ideals expressed in our charter. And I can honestly say that a significant part of what has made this movement so successful is the name itself — it’s provocative, it represents a clear vision, and it’s very attractive to those who are interested in learning more about puppy-burning.

For several reasons, I believe it’s time for a change.

Over the years, this movement has stood for many things, but our North Star has always been that puppies, and specifically the triglycerides present in puppy fat, hold untapped potential as a highly efficient and renewable source of energy. People often ask me whether we have any scientific research backing our claim, usually right before they accuse us of being monsters. Well, of course we don’t. But is it any wonder? Good luck getting funding for rigorous, legitimate scientific research when most people — including the very people who issue these types of grants — are immediately reluctant to embrace a movement that just comes right out and clearly states its primary purpose: to light live puppies on fire and use the resulting energy to heat residences and office buildings. Humanely.

Moreover, the name “Puppy Burning Movement,” while technically accurate, conveys a simplistic and, frankly, incomplete version of our goals. We’re not out here just looking to fill a school bus with puppies and gasoline, and drive it into a ravine filled with matches and old tires. That’s not us. That’s not who we are. That’s who the people of the Frivolous Puppy Murder Movement are, and as far as I can tell they have no larger policy aspirations whatsoever. The whole thing appears to be pointless. (But maybe that’s just me being judgmental because I’m unable to look past their name. See what I’m saying?) We, on the other hand, have no qualms with puppies per se; we just insist that their highest and best use is as a source of clean, renewable energy for human consumption. The new name makes that clear.

Not to mention that with “Puppy-Burning” right there in the name, we were perhaps excluding those who are potentially okay with using puppies for fuel, but prefer methods other than burning.

When someone is redirected to our website, or picks up one of our flyers from the windshield of a car parked outside the animal shelter, or stumbles into one of our meetings in the abandoned pole barn north of the I-80 frontage road because they were attracted to the smell of burning puppy flesh — which we have managed to capture in potpourri form, the formula for which we continue to forcefully protect as a trade secret — we want to make it known from the outset that our movement is not anti-puppy as much as it is pro-the-burning-of-that-puppy.

I feel the new banner will give our movement the fresh start it badly needs, allowing us to grow our sphere of influence, increase our membership, and, perhaps, if we play our cards right, even someday establish a foothold in the highest reaches of government.

And I’m proud to say that when we get there, it will be as the Alt-Warmth. Just think: under the old name, we couldn’t even get anybody elected dogcatcher.