Formula 1 does not need cars, or so claims the sport’s 107-year-old overlord, C. Montgomery Ecclestone.

‘I don’t understand these new fangled things such as cars and autogiros and the electronic videogram machine,’ Ecclestone said yesterday in an interview with Minted Old Shit magazine. ‘Formula 1 doesn’t need them. Having a car on the track doesn’t sell advertising. Having an advertisement on the track, that’s what sells advertising.’

‘I simply don’t care about people who are watching Formula 1 for the cars,’ the talking scrotum continued. ‘I’m only interested in people who watch for the adverts. They’re the ones who make me money. And that’s what Formula 1 should be about. Making me even richer. Get rid of the cars, I say. They get in the way and you can’t fit enough Rolex adverts on them.’

‘Money is what keeps me going,’ Ecclestone later admitted. ‘Well, that and the nutrients I extract from orphans.’