Following news that Toro Rosso has signed Jos Verstappen’s 16-year-old son Max for next season, other F1 teams are racing to bag the offspring of a driver for themselves.

First to make a move was Red Bull who immediately invited Sebastian Vettel’s seven month old daughter to have a go in their simulator and didn’t complain when the seat got covered in mashed banana and dribble. ‘It’s okay,’ said a spokesman. ‘You should see the state of it when Buemi’s been in there.’

Over in Woking, McLaren’s Ron Dennis has agreed first refusal on any children spawned by current driver Ken Magnussen, believing that signing the son of the son of a former driver will ‘bring a multiplied factor of opportunality for significant quantities of excellentness.’

Meanwhile, Williams has also decided to start from scratch and offered cash to former driver Jacques Villeneuve for any sperm he might produce. ‘We’ve already had to hire a new warehouse to store it in,’ said a spokesman. ‘I think we’d forgotten what a massive wanker he is.’

Finally, Ferrari has decided not to pursue a driver’s offspring having already turned down an offer from Luca Badoer. ‘He told us there was a birth last year and he’s been nurturing it ever since,’ said a spokesman. ‘We had to tell him, Luca, that’s a turd.’