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There are not enough baby elephant videos in the world to soothe and distract me from all of the pain and suffering I see daily in the news. At the moment, I am obsessed with the Zika virus, which has just been declared a global emergency by the World Health Organization. As more and more babies are born with microcephaly, male politicians in Latin American countries are requesting that women not get pregnant for the next two years, while simultaneously denying them access to contraception and abortion.

I’m sure that men will wait patiently until 2018 to have sex with their wives and girlfriends, and I’m equally certain the extraordinary number of rapists in those regions will stop raping women during the same time period. But in case the menfolk don’t cooperate, there are always coat hangers, and women’s lives will be at risk along with the risks that the virus poses to their children. Men, however, don’t seem to have much skin in the game (even though they are refereeing it along with the mosquitos.)

And I notice this is a recurring theme. Too many men coasting ahead of their own wake.

Often men do suffer along with women, though. For example, men breathe the same poisoned air and drink the same polluted water women do. They die in wars alongside raped and murdered female civilians. They are among the poor and the homeless. American men perpetrate — but are also killed by — gun violence. When the human race begins to go extinct due to climate change, men will not yet have left the planet… I think. But here’s the thing: Men are experiencing karma. Women, on the other hand, are experiencing toxic masculinity — something that has been actively destroying the world since our first human ancestors, standing upon two legs, started walking around Africa three million years ago. If only “Lucy” were available for comment. I think of her as Patient Zero.

Here’s a list of various domestic and international male-made problems, in no particular order:

Climate change

Domestic violence

War

Rape

Sex trafficking

Wealth gap

Pay gap

Air and water pollution

Gun violence

Under-education of girls

Degrading porn

Religious oppression of women

Overpopulation

Deforestation

Poaching

Slavery

Gender discrimination

Poverty

Hunger

Extinction of species

Terrorism

Torture

Sexual harassment

FGM

Political corruption

Homelessness

Restricted reproductive rights

Exploitation of fossil fuels

Strip mining

Clubbing of baby seals

I’m sorry I didn’t have time to add many things to the list. Feel free to add more in the comments.

What can be done? Well, I’ve decided the Earth needs a Mandemic. The human herd must be culled, and it’s time for buck season.

I know what you’re thinking… Cool! How could this work?

I happened to be watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager last night when the idea came to me. There could be a virus that causes gene mutations in men that rewrites their DNA. Then, when men have sex with women, they are drained of their DNA, “where it is then implanted into females, causing the death of the males. As a result, new males are constantly created and harvested” by women, as suits their needs. You should have seen the desiccated corpses on the Taresian planet!

But perhaps this is too harsh implausible. It is science fiction, after all.

Look, I’m not an infectious disease specialist. I’m not exactly sure how this could work. I just know that there are 200 million missing females in the world because of patriarchy, so Mother Nature needs to put her finger on the scales, and if She would kindly oblige, just push down a little extra hard.

“But I love men.”

Ok. You probably do love men. Most women have some men in their lives that they dearly love. There are tons of wonderful men! So sure, it will be sad and tragic when the Mandemic rages with the fire of a thousand suns and randomly selects enough male victims to disrupt the current power structure around the world. This will be necessary to create an opening for women to become equal — maybe even dominant.

But isn’t our only hope the removal of excessive male humans from the continents? If women don’t take the reins of this doomed planet and get cracking on resolving those few items listed above, we don’t stand a chance.

Lori Day is an educational psychologist, consultant and parenting coach with Lori Day Consulting in Newburyport, MA. She is the author of Her Next Chapter: How Mother-Daughter Book Clubs Can Help Girls Navigate Malicious Media, Risky Relationships, Girl Gossip, and So Much More, and speaks on the topic of raising confident girls in a disempowering marketing and media culture. Lori tweets @Lori_Day.

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