PONY DISTRESS

BY THACKTOR

SMU. Sigh. What you were... I mean, seriously. You were the freaking Pony Express. For a while, SMU was the college football version of what Jerry Jones still believes the Dallas Cowboys are. I wish I had been old enough to appreciate the glory days of all the SWC schools literally bidding for players, everyone knowing about it, and SMU being so damn cocky that they got caught for it. Just like that, you became the only program to get nuked by the NCAA.



BUT JUNE JONES CAME TO RETURN SMU TO FOOTBALL GLORY! HE WILL go to a few bowl games, get tired of trying to recruit against every other Texas school and resign after losing his quarterback and two blowout games in a row to Baylor and UNT. Ouch. That's about as football-depressing as it gets.



I really do feel bad for SMU this weekend. The Aggies should have beaten Rice by more than they did last Saturday. Sure, Rice is much better than people will give them credit for, but something about the way that game felt said that the Aggies left some points on the field last Saturday and committed some penalties of the ignorant donkey level. You know that. The team knows that. Kevin Sumlin damn sure knows that. It's for that precise reason that I feel so bad for SMU: the Aggies very well could hang 100 on the Ponies and not give one shit about doing so.

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Kevin Sumlin strolls down the Aggie sideline at Ford Stadium carrying a very long ladder underneath one arm, a can of paint and a hammer in his other hand. A paint brush alongside a rolled up poster board sticking out of his back pocket. Sumlin is determined in his gait. As he approaches the end zone, he's almost run over by RSJ, who's just caught his 3rd touchdown pass of the evening.



"Excuse me, coach!" RSJ exclaims, apologetically.



"Never apologize for doing your job, Ricky." Sumlin says proudly. He smiles at RSJ and carries on toward the scoreboard. Sumlin carefully sets his ladder at the base of the scoreboard and begins to scale the scoreboard. As Sumlin reaches the left side of the "Visitor" block of lights, he begins hammering.



As the extra point sails through the uprights, putting the finishing touches on RSJ and Kenny Hill's latest expressionist piece, Sumlin finishes painting the "1" on the poster board as the Visitor lights change from 00 to 01.



And that's exactly what we're gonna do to em, Ags.



Aggies - 101

Ponies - 0

CRAIG JAMES' KINDNESSES: 5 HASHTAGS #CJK5H

BY CUPPYCUP

Let's admit that the internet (don't look at us) wronged Craig James with the "Craig James Killed Five Hookers" Google bomb and subsequent #CJK5H hashtag. It's time to right this wrong and acknowledge all of the good things Craig James has done in his life.

CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Ben Compton C: STRAIGHT OUTTA FRIENDSWOOD. A backup offensive lineman in the TAILGATE? DAMN RIGHT. Center is such a vital and overlooked position, especially in this offense. If Mike M is still gimpy, getting Ben another game under his belt will give us great depth there heading into SEC play.



Jamal Jeffery WR: JJ is 8th on the team in catches among wide receivers, and all seven guys ahead of him have a TD. Time to join Club 8, because that's just how Dallas do.



Tommy Sanders LB: Tommy did a great job last week getting to the ball carrier and making contact. Unfortunately, at times that just resulted in the ball carrier bouncing back a foot or so, then picking up 8 more yards. This will be a good chance for him to employ the technique favored by many successful linebackers known as "wrapping up."



Cody Rademacher K: Cody's had a bit of a rough start and will be looking for a breakout performance this weekend. Like an attempt at scoring. So far he's only stepped on the field twice for two kickoffs, and one of them went out of bounds. The team has no kicking stats.



Nate Halverson WR: We would be remiss if we did not include the only Mustang to score this season. A true man of mystery, Nate does not appear on the two-deep, and his school profile page does not feature a photo. Is he even real?



Jonathan Yenga MLB: The true linchpin of this fragile SMU unit, if you removed him, the entire defense would slowly and precariously list, lose cohesion, then come toppling down upon itself into several individual pieces.



WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY HYPNO-TOAD

Penultimate Nadir Think for a moment on what a low point it would be for any program to open the season winless in catastrophic fashion, have the coach announce his resignation only two games into the season, and then have the starting quarterback out for the season due to injury. For any other school this would be the lowest of the low. Now remember that this is all happening to SMU, the only school in the world that can actually say, "Well, things have been worse." This is actually very sad. Then it’s pretty funny. Then it is even sadder. If I were them I would fall back off the wagon too.



Sacks and Sacks of Sacks When Jadeveon Clowney was but a precocious little freshman he recorded 8 sacks, which stands as the freshman single season record. The Aggies’ Myles Garrett is currently 2.5 sacks shy of that record. In September. After playing 3 games. That sound you hear is the 2017 Oakland Raiders ruining his career forever with the first round draft pick. Garrett will spend the rest of the season trying to locate Dr. Emmett "Doc" Brown before his swim-move arm completely fades away. Blitzes? Where we’re going we don’t need blitzes.



Good Decisions Former SMU running back Eric Dickerson – yes, that one – had some less than glowing remarks about his alma mater recently. Among those was the admission that he recommended to his cousin, Ricky Seals-Jones, to not even bother visiting SMU and that he should play football for Texas A&M (h/t to Spencer Hall). "I wanted him to have an experience in college with football that he really enjoyed like I had like when I went to SMU," said Dickerson. GBH contacted A&M compliance officials who were unavailable for comment as their office had burst into flames and fallen into a sinkhole.



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY HYPNO-TOAD

The SEC continues to be completely overrated as the top 10 rankings consist of only 5 teams from the West Division alone. A gentleman caller might suggest to Mr. Finebaum that the East has not played anyone of note, thereby implying that their stature is much overstated. #5 Auburn will travel to Manhattan to take on #20 Kansas State in an attempt to defend the honor of the conference after Oklahoma took Tennessee for a roll in the hay last weekend and then never called. Beware, Auburn: in 1908 Bill Snyder bet Theodore Roosevelt that he could win a national championship using only the able-bodied men in steerage of a transatlantic steamer of Teddy’s choice. That team won 8 straight before they lost fourteen starters to the belly flux and Snyder was forced to turn over his month’s salary of 5 bits.



LET'S HAVE A STATGASM BY FLETCHER MASSIE

BEST CASE / WORST CASE BY THACKTOR

BEST CASE Aggies score 100 points and pitch a shutout. That's the 100% best case scenario when you look at the perfect storm of putting a team with TWO injured QB's, an interim head coach and a let down fan base against one really pissed off, high-octane offensive coach with a stockpile of artillery. Oh, and everyone on both teams gets a Capri Sun and an orange slice after the game.



WORST CASE SMU scores 7. That would be one more point than SMU put up against UNT. The only touchdown SMU's scored in the past few games was in the last seconds of their game against UNT where they lost 43-6. They didn't even get the extra point. Maybe SMU itself should be this week's worst case scenario. Good grief.



@CDub06 "Sorry ponies, you’re Pasture prime. It’s time the Methodists are put out to Pastor."-Dad LOL #GBHTailgate



@scottjostes "Post game the SMU football team walks into a bar - Rock asks 'so why the long face?'"-Dad LOL #GBHTailgate



@Kellie_Lynn2013 "This weekend's game is sure to be the MANE event"-Dad LOL #GBHTailgate



@el_hombre_rojo "Its not all bad, SMU. In Texas you rank behind Allen HS but just ahead of Texas University."-Dad LOL #GBHTailgate



@adamdishongh "I can't wait to hear all the hilarious things your dad has to say about the SMU game this week."-Mom LOL #GBHTailgate



@JArnoldTAMU85 New Avi because fear the beard. #GBHTailgate

