3. Consider Separation (as a last resort to prod change)

Is it right to separate if a spouse refuses sex? I’m not sure. In the vast majority of cases, separation causes incredible hardship on any children involved, and I am very reticent to recommend it just for that reason. God can also be incredibly real to you when you need Him most, and so staying married does not mean that you necessarily will not have joy in your life. God can be that joy.

However, sexual refusal is usually not the only problem. I’ve spoken to many women lately where the sexual refusal of their husbands is combined with a lack of motivation to work as well as a lack of motivation to work on his health. It’s tied up in a number of psychological issues. In this case, I believe a temporary separation where you say to him, “I love you. I want to be your wife. But you must start working and pulling your weight, because I can’t look after the children and work full-time and still look after you. This needs to be a partnership,” may be a way of shaking some reality into him. I know couples, for instance, where she can’t even leave the children with him, but has to hire a baby-sitter, because he won’t look after the toddlers. So having him move out would actually be cheaper for her. The separation is not with the goal of divorce; it’s with the goal of shocking him into actually working on his problems, instead of enabling him to act in an unChristlike way.

I don’t recommend this lightly, and I’m not even sure if I’m right. This is just such a difficult issue. So I would say that if you are in this situation, you need to get counsel from a mentor couple who knows you both in real life. I can’t answer all these problems for you because I don’t know your unique situation. But God does, and so pray that He will reveal a couple that you can talk to who can come alongside you and plot a course where both you and your spouse can find true intimacy again.

I can’t give you all the answers. But if I can, let me at least validate your feelings. If your spouse is withholding sex, this is wrong. It is so heartbreaking for you. It blocks intimacy. It is not God’s design for marriage. And I am sorry you are going through this. I pray that you will find people to talk to who will understand, and who will be able to pray about it and steer you in the right direction.

Don’t forget that my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, has lots of help for couples with problems in the bedroom. If you have trouble seeing sex as something positive, or finding real intimacy, this book is for you!