After thinking about how much fun we had making the NFL Mascot blog on the same subject, I confered with the Mickstape Crew and KB and decided to run it back with another league. Just like last time, we did a DEEP dive into the NBA mascot pool to see which one of them poses the biggest threat to your marriage. Here is the results, sorted from least likely to most likely.

Lucky the Leprechaun – Boston Celtics

Kenjac: Low threat – Look at this bum with his stupid buckled shoes and his bowler hat. NO CHANCE. This guy has zero drip and smokes out of a manual pipe. Get a vape and some balenciaga’s, then get back to me.

Tyler: Low threat. Horrible fit and that hair dye isn’t fooling anybody.

KB: Low Threat: Search this fucking weirdo’s basement. Guarantee he owns a flash drive of Tom Brady kissing his son and other, similar clips.

Clutch the Bear – Houston Rockets

Kenjac: Low threat – Nice guys finish last, and this goofy looking bear is about the nicest looking mascot I’ve ever seen. This guy is every girl at the office’s “Work Husband”. He has a cat with a human name like “Matt” or “Josh” or something weird like that. No threat.

Coley: Low Threat – Has already sustained head trauma from multiple steel chairs to the dome. Guy doesn’t even know what planet he’s on.

Tyler: Low threat. These mascots have nothing to do with the city, team name or even basketball. It’s nonsense.

KB: Low threat. This pipsqueak probably hangs out at Joel Osteen’s mansion on the weekends.

Chuck the Condor – LA Clippers

Kenjac: Low Threat – The fleshy, pink face of this disgusting bird is enough to scare even the horniest person away.

Coley: Low Threat – A Clipper is a schooner, not a bird. If this were a sailboat of some sort I’d be worried about him laying the boom mast. Instead? Entirely nonplused.

Tyler: Low threat. Frankenberry face not getting past first base with ANYONE’S wife.

KB: Low threat. I don’t want to be redundant but come on now.

Burnie – Miami Heat

Kenjac: Low threat – Hell no. Nobody is trying to take meth-head Beeker to pound town.

Coley: Low Threat – Buddy has Blue Waffle on his face no one in the world is touching this motherfucker.

Tyler: Low threat. What the fuck even is this thing

KB: Threat levels below the Dead Sea. How are you the mascot of the Miami (hottest city in the NBA) Heat (hottest noun in the English language) and look like THIS?!

G-Wizz – Washington Wizards

Kenjac: Low threat – I might have him higher if his name wasn’t “G-Wizz”.

Coley: Low threat – Much like the Wizards this assclown has never once made anyone happy. That’s not going to start today.

Tyler: Low threat. Gonzo and his micromeat will go lonely another day.

KB: Sympathy medium threat. Poor guy.

Mavs Man – Dallas Mavericks

Kenjac: Medium threat – I do not know who or what this thing is, but i hate it. While I don’t think my wife would be attracted it or it’s Boltman smile, I do fear he will use some sort of dark magic to seduce her.

Coley: Low threat – I say a low threat because my wife will be smart enough to never go near the Mavericks organization

Tyler: Low threat. Nothing about this man says anything about Dallas, Mavericks or coitus. ZERO THREAT.

KB: Medium threat. I’ve seen dudes who look exactly like this doing curls at Planet Fitness. He’ll 100% fuck your high school girlfriend or your 19 year old Texas wife.

Crunch – Minnesota Timberwolves

Kenjac: Low threat – Boorish and plain, just like the Timberwolves roster. Put some pants on, PeeWee

Coley: Low Threat – He’s as uninspired as Andrew Wiggins with the game on the line. Probably an incel and ok with it.

Tyler: Medium threat. Timberwolf Roger Sterling might have just enough savvy to close the deal.

KB: High threat. I know human men far uglier than this thing who do WORK in cities with MUCH better competition than Minneapolis/St. Paul.

Hugo the Hornet – Charlotte Hornets

Kenjac: Medium threat – I only say this because I am wary of blue creatures after seeing ‘Watchmen’. Ever see Dr. Manhattan’s hog? The thing is uncut and ready to strut. He has sex with his girl while his clone is doing nuclear physics in the other room. To me, this is terrifying and he must be watched.

Coley: Low Threat.

Tyler: High threat. Have you ever met anyone named Hugo? If you did, would you trust them? Of course not. There’s your answer. High threat.

KB: Medium Threat: I think this is regionally specific. His fit/vibe would secure him the vag in sections of LA/NYC, whereas he’d be a low threat in North Carolina/the South.

Franklin the Dog – Philadelphia 76ers

Kenjac: Low Threat – Ben simmons refuses to shoot his shot and I doubt this beta dog will either.

Coley: Low threat – Ben Simmons will hit more threes in his career than this dog will fuck my wife. That’s a promise.

Tyler: Medium threat. He is a dog and women love dogs. Dogs that are crips, however? Well I guess we will have to see.

KB: High threat. This guy could chill in the parking lot of any Wawa in the Philly area and fuck someone’s wife based solely on the fact that he’s showered within the last 48 hours.

Jazz Bear – Utah Jazz

Kenjac: High threat – I don’t know what Utah or bears have to do with the art of Jazz, but god damn is this guy cool. Look how smooth he is in this picture. Cool eyes, easy riding and a wave to the hunny in the crowd that’s going home with him. Plot twist, that hunny is my wretched wife.

Coley: Medium threat – Looks like a decent cuddler. I might not kick him out of bed if I can be the little spoon.

Tyler: Low threat. A bear makes a lot more sense as a mascot than a jazz.

KB: Low threat. Your wife might crush a couple O’Douls and let this man dry hump her while you’re on a mission trip, but I’m confident she’s not fucking.

Sir CC & Moon Dog – Cleveland Cavaliers

Kenjac: Low Threat – If my wife gets to the point where she cheats on me with a LARPer and a fucking dog, the joke will be on her cause I’ll have BEEN cheating.

Coley: Medium Threat – There are two of them, which feels unfair. But I wouldn’t rule it out. White Zoro and this dog with pants might be a dp duo of disaster.

Tyler: Medium threat. The duo worries me, I’ll admit. My wifes smart enough not to lay down with some mangy mutt, but his pirate friend in the Saint Laurent boots??? I’m concerned.

KB: HIGH threat. This is Cleveland we’re talking about. Women there will go to Barley House just for a chance to fuck someone who works the concession stand at the Q.

Pierre the Pelican – New Orleans Pelicans

Kenjac: Medium threat – His name is Pierre, a name which give off big wife-fucker energy. He’ll pour some powdered sugar on a beignet to give my wife after pouring his sugar on her.

Coley: Low Threat – This guy changes his face more than Sammy Sosa. He knows he’s ugly but he wont own it. That lack of self confidence lets me know he can spend the night at my home while i’m out of town with zero worry on my behalf.

Tyler: Low threat. Doesn’t matter which face or which beak or which hair. No chance.

KB: New Orleans sea level threat. This man has a closet full of rejected beads.

Rumble the Bison – Oklahoma City Thunder

Kenjac: Low Threat – Look at that mug. The most “wheres-my-hug” face I have ever seen in my life.

Coley: Medium Threat – I’ll never be able to grow a better beard than this man, but I’d also take my receding hairline over his Mark Davis ass haircut.

Tyler: High threat. This is just Steven Adams. Yes Steven Adams would fuck my wife.

KB: High threat: He’s more hygienic and better dressed than 95% of the cretins in Oklahoma.

Go the Gorilla – Phoenix Suns

Kenjac: Low Threat – I still do not know what in the holy fuck Gorilla’s have to do with Phoenix. This guy is absolutely no threat whatsoever. He’s out of his element in every way unless he is a horny, smart gorilla like Caesar from Planet of the Apes.

Coley: High Threat – He jumps through hoops set on fire and can peel a banana better than any man or woman amongst us. You’re crazy if you don’t think Go is smashing cakes.

Tyler: High threat. To his essence, he just jumps on trampolines with no pants on. He’s me. High threat.

KB: Low threat. This sloth probably hangs out at Arizona State parties and tries to slip molly into the drinks of girls who are already on molly.

Blaze the Trail Cat – Portland Trailblazers

Kenjac: Low threat – You remember Sylvester the cat? Well, that cat family has been inbreeding for 5 generations and this is the result.

Coley: High threat – I’ve been watching the NBA my entire life and I’ve never seen whatever this is. Must mean he’s been too busy fucking wives to make an appearance on game day.

Tyler: High threat. Look at his hand around Wes Matthews neck. Foreshadowing of what he’ll do to my beloved wife.

KB: Low threat. He’s way too clean to fuck hoes in Portland.

Bango the Buck – Milwaukee Bucks

Kenjac: High threat – A mascot creamed a bloggers wife, Bango was his name-o

B-A-N-G-O, B-A-N-G-O, B-A-N-G-O, they didn’t use protection

Coley: High Threat – He’s literally got BANG in his name. Bango shakes the bed like you read about.

Tyler: High threat. Bango is so cool he doesn’t even wear a number. They didn’t give him any corny shit like the area code of the city or “SIXTH MAN”. He’s a rebel. My wife likes rebels. And whatever comes after a “beta male”. She likes those too.

KB: Low threat. He looks like he relies on alcohol to talk to women AND struggles to get erections. Tough combo.

Stuff the Magic Dragon – Orlando Magic



Kenjac: High Threat – I am horrified this guy will stuff my beloved. There is something about the swagger of a mascot that doesn’t wear pants. It’s both horrifying, and intimidating

Coley: Low threat – Magicians are nerds and nerds don’t fuck. That’s just science.

Tyler: High threat. He got his meat out already and those pupils tell me he’s already snorted a couple bumps of Orlando’s Magic. HIGH threat.

KB: Low threat. Fucking repulsive. But then again, those middle-aged Disney fanatics might be into shit like this.

Slamson the Lion – Sacramento Kings

Kenjac: Low Threat- Lion’s have a killer instinct, but years of ineptitude by this franchise has to have taken its toll. Plus, look at those saggy pants. Michael Jordan jeans-level bagginess, minus the money and success. You could open a bakery with all those rolls.

Coley: High threat – Lions be fuckin’. Even with that cold dead look in his eyes he could still wheel any wife he sees fit.

Tyler: High threat. If your mascot has a beard, the threat is high. Period.

KB: Medium threat. Trade him to Portland.

Harry the Hawk – Atlanta Hawks

Kenjac: Low threat – Man or beast, nothing named “Harry” will fuck my wife. That is an old name that is reserved for loyal kings that respect the institution of marriage. A

Tyler: High threat. You see the two different outfits. He can go black tie and fuck your bitch, he can go business casual and fuck your bitch. The threat is high.

KB: Harry the Hawk? More like Bury the Cock (in your wife). But for real, he’d fuck your high school sweetheart on a Georgia hammock.

The Coyote – San Antonio Spurs

Kenjac: Medium Threat – He’s a good looking dude, but I have an easy fix. Just paint a tunnel opening on your garage door and he will accidentally crash into it on his way over.

Coley: High Threat – Very clearly on Crystal Meth. Would be impossible to stop.

Tyler: High threat. He’s gonna take my wife the same way he took Kawhi’s number.

KB: Medium threat. Like Coley said, he’s visibly tweaking. I guess it depends on what your wife has to offer.

The Raptor – Toronto Raptors

Kenjac: High Threat – My god, look at this fit. The Raptor is fresh off a title and he is THAT bitch. He would also definitely drop “Yea, I was hanging out with my friend Drake, the rapper” way too early into a conversation.

Coley: Low threat – Literally extinct and also Canadian. The last Jurassic Park was trash. More likely to call my wife and leave her a voicemail of nothing but heavy breathing.

Tyler: High threat. The fit, the accessories, the championship. He’s riding high and my wife riding him.

KB: CN Tower threat. Imagine being a Canadian wife and not politely offering this man some pussy.

Hooper – Detroit Pistons

Kenjac: Medium Threat – While he is hung and I will undoubtedly end up marrying a horse girl, he still lives in Detroit.

Coley: High Threat – Cocks don’t get bigger than horse cocks. Plus he’s from Detroit, so he’s got an edge to him. Probably rides a motorcycle and smokes cigs and then puts the cigs out in dweebs’ eye holes.

Tyler: High threat. My wife like sad boys and Eeyore here is cutting in on my turf. I don’t like it.

KB: High threat. Imagine being stuck in Detroit, Michigan and not cheating on your husband with someone like this.

Boomer – Indiana Pacers

Kenjac: High Threat – First of all, Boomer is the perfect mascot to represent the state of Indiana on a whole. Second of all, this is bad. Everybody in life has a price, including my beloved. With Boomers making up over 90% of the sugar daddy clientele pool, there is a good chance this guy is willing to spend his unearned, executive-level salary on feet pics from any women who he can reach with his default-avi instagram profile “@Boomer_1963”

Coley: Medium Threat – Potential wildcat in the sack, but can he even get to that point where it matters? Pacers haven’t been able to get out of the first round in a few years, can’t see Boomer having the winners mentality to get it done.

Tyler: High threat. He’s going to ask my wife if she wants to know how he got the name “Boomer” and she’s going to say yes. Of course she’s going to say yes smh.

KB: HIGH Midwest threat. Wives in Indiana would risk their marriage for someone who’s followed by Pat McAfee on Twitter.

Grizz – Memphis Grizzlies

Kenjac: Medium threat – Memphis is known for their tough defense and mediocre offense. While I would have no chance at stealing his lady, I don’t think he has much chance at mine either. Basically, it’s the cold war all over again.

Coley: High Threat – I bet this smooth talking motherfucker is soulful as shit and has Kelsey Grammer’s deep ass voice to go along with it. He’s gonna toss my wife’s salad and scramble her eggs.

Tyler: High threat. This is basically if Teen Wolf moved to Memphis after high school and opened up an award winning BBQ joint. Maybe the highest threat yet.

KB: Medium threat. Can’t get over how low of a percentage this deformed freak’s face takes up of his head. Granted, it’s Memphis.

Benny the Bull – Chicago Bulls

Kenjac: High Threat – I mean, the proof is in the name. You can’t trust a bull around your wife unless you invited them into your home with purpose.

Coley: High Threat – He’d stick one horn in her front hole, and one in her brown eye. No question about it.

Tyler: High threat. The highest threat since….the last Bull to wear #1.

KB: I mean, I guess a high threat. Just because those losers in Chicago would think it’s “good juju” or something like that if their wife fucked the mascot of the team they’d die for.

Rocky the Mountain Lion – Denver Nuggets

Kenjac: High Threat – Look at the curve and bend of that tail? You know how much that kind of toy sells for on x-rated websites? Probably more than my collectors edition Karlee Grey love pillow.

Coley: HIGH Threat – The highest threat of them all and that’s not even a terrible Denver pun playing off of their association with marijuana. Legitimately just the last guy I’d want to see in my wife’s DMs. Rocky would take her to jizz town and then smash a cake in my face. I’d never recover.

Tyler: High threat. Maximum threat. And incredible fit, mountain lions are cool enough and you see that tail at FULL attention. My wife would jump all over that smh.

KB: High threat. This man looks like every “personal trainer” on Pornhub.

King Cake Baby – New Orleans Pelicans

Kenjac: High Threat – ɎØɄⱤ ₩ł₣Ɇ ₴Ⱨ₳ⱠⱠ ฿Ɇ ₥ł₦Ɇ ₳₦Đ ɎØɄⱤ ₵ⱧłⱠĐⱤɆ₦ ₩łⱠⱠ ₵₳ⱠⱠ ₥Ɇ Đ₳Đ

Coley: Super High Threat – Easily my height and has more hair. My wife is soaking wet.

Tyler: High threat. He might fuck me too :(.

KB: High threat. My dick instinctively retracted into my body out of paranoia and I don’t even have a wife.

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