Conference call. October 26, 2016. 9 a.m.

Phone beeps.

CHELSEA: Hello? Is anyone else on?

TIM KAINE: Hiddey-ho! Been here since 8! I'm just giddy with excitement!

CHELSEA: About what to get Mom for her birthday today?

TIM KAINE: No, I just love a conference call. It's a business meeting you don't have to wear pants at! Ingenious. I'm just sitting here in mi piyama enjoying a Horchata, which is a—

Phone beeps.

BILL CLINTON: ...so then Donna Brazille leans forward and tells the driver, "Where we're going we don't need Rhodes." It's a colonialism joke. You have to remember it's about 4 in the morning at this point—

TIM KAINE: Hello? Bill?

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BILL: Sorry y'all, I just ran into a complete stranger on the street and I'm in the middle of a 55-minute story. Let me call you back.

Phone beeps.

CHELSEA: Is it just us again?

TIM KAINE: Anyway, so Horchata is a drink that's very popular in the Central American country—

VOICE: Um.

CHELSEA: Who else is on the call?

IVANKA: Please don't be mad at me.

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CHELSEA: What are you doing on this call?

IVANKA: I just love your mom so much. I really want to get her a nice present.

CHELSEA: You know what present would be really nice? A time machine that you then got into and went back 18 months and sat down at the initial campaign strategy meeting or blood oath ceremony or peyote trip you all participated in and said "Hey, everyone? How about we just build a hotel in DC and not usher in the apocalypse?"

IVANKA: ...that's fair.

CHELSEA: That said, she really loved the book you gave her last year.

IVANKA: The minute I finished it I ordered a copy for her. And one for you.

CHELSEA: Really?

IVANKA: We're friends.

TIM KAINE: Ah, I'm so proud of you young ladies. I'm crying into my Horchata over here.

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IVANKA: Okay, I only have about five minutes before they release the Krakken. Where are we on your mom's present?

CHELSEA: We don't have any ideas yet.

Beep.

BILL CLINTON: Balloons.

CHELSEA: For mom?

BILL CLINTON: Gotta go. Be right back. (Away from the receiver) Ross Perot?! I was just thinking about you, you rascally old kook!

Click.

CHELSEA: Any other ideas for a present?

VOICE: Vhy don't vee rig the election for her?

CHELSEA: Who said that?

VOICE: Eet iz I, Debbie Vasserman Schultz.

IVANKA: I know that voice.

VOICE: Of course, you do. Eet iz your your best gal pal. Debbie! That's me.

CHELSEA: That accent… It's not familiar.

IVANKA: Wait! I know who this is!

VOICE: Debbie! Just Deb if you're nasty. Okay, gotta go.

IVANKA: Uncle Vlad is that you?!

CHELSEA: Who?

IVANKA: I mean, sorry. Mr. Putin. Is that you?

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PUTIN: No, it's me, Debbie. Debbie Downer. Or. Um. Who is the one? Schultz. Whoever. Anyway, I gotta go intimidate voters in Pike County, Pennsylvania or something. Okay, bye bye.

Click.

CHELSEA: This is going nowhere. I think I might just get her another pantsuit.

TIM KAINE: Does she have anything in sequins? Like a Liza Minelli type of situation? Man, that Liza is a pip!

A strange whispering in another language comes over the line.

CHELSEA: What is that sound?

IVANKA: It's Parseltongue.

CHELSEA: How do you know Parseltongue?

IVANKA: Girl, you know I'm Slytherin AF. There's only one other person I know who speaks it.

JULIAN ASSANGE: Surprise! I have 33,000 ideas about what to get Hillary for her birthday!

TIM KAINE: Get the hell out of here Julian Assange!

CHELSEA: Shut the hell up and sit the hell down Julian Assange!

JULIAN ASSANGE: Oh, don't be like that. If you're like that I can't tell you what she really wants.

Beep.

BILL CLINTON: Balloons! She'll flip her lid. Oh my God. Clarence Thomas and Bono are having coffee together at this Starbucks.

CHELSEA: Why are you at a Starbucks?

BILL CLINTON: Free Wifi.

JULIAN ASSANGE: So, do you want to know or not?

BILL CLINTON: Is someone speaking Parseltongue?! I gotta go. The barista gave Clarence the regular Chai instead of the Oprah Chai and this whole place is about to blow. Okay. Be right back. Balloons.

Click.

JULIAN ASSANGE: She wants a salad spinner.

CHELSEA: I'm sorry?

JULIAN ASSANGE: According to an e-mail Hillary composed on June 12, 2007 but never sent, she has always wanted a salad spinner but never got around to buying it. There. Was that so hard? Am I such a villain? If you prick me, do I not bleed?

IVANKA: You don't, actually. Bleed.

JULIAN ASSANGE: Oh, that's true. Yes, I have no blood. It's really weird. Anyway, thanks for having me. See you all soon. Literally. Because I'm tapped into your phones, your e-mails, your personal security systems and the microchips in all your dental work.

TIM KAINE: You're the worst, Assange.

JULIAN ASSANGE: Tim, did you just text someone a photo of a glass of milk?

TIM KAINE: IT'S A HORCHATA, YOU MONSTER.

Beep.

BILL CLINTON: Tupac is alive.

TIM KAINE: What?

BILL CLINTON: Sorry, wrong line. What did I miss? How many balloons are we getting?

Chip Somodevilla Getty Images

CHELSEA: Well, Julian Assange thinks we should get Mom a salad spinner and Tim Kaine raised his voice for the first time.

BILL: Well, Tim! That's impressive. I didn't know you had it in you. I like you, Tim, I sure do. You're like a Utopian me. You're like me if someone went back in time and changed one crucial thing about my past that forever altered my personality. You're like those episodes of 90s sitcoms where the harried wife has the flu and dreams that she has the perfect family and no one ever belches and the husband is a guy like you who wears an apron and we're all like, "You really do deserve better Leah Remini. In general." But then she wakes up next to her belching husband who is definitely not special guest John Stamos or whomever and we're supposed to believe that she's grateful for the life that she has. The 90s were weird. I guess that's my fault... Anyway, that's how I became a vegan.

Chip Somodevilla Getty Images

IVANKA: Guys, they're sounding the horns. The beast is awake. I gotta go. Chels, I'll Venmo you some money.

Click.

TIM KAINE: I'm all keyed up. I'm going to go put some money in the swear jar.

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Click.

BILL CLINTON: So…?

CHELSEA: (sighs) How many balloons do you want to order.

BILL CLINTON: Oh, so many!

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HBD HRC!

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R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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