It’s that time of the year again, the time of year where the freshman you once thought could be so pivotal in the spring have failed to make it to practice because their intramural Qudditch team is “getting serious.” And now they’re left with you. Yes, you there. Sitting in your cargo shorts, with your red and nightglow Ultrastars hanging on the wall. You are the future of the program. So listen up idiot. Here’s how to avoid being an idiot all the time.

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1. Wear Gloves

Anyone who’s anyone wears gloves. Can’t throw a flick yet? How about investing in some Nike Receiver mitts! Just be sure to come to practice and tell your captains how sticky your hands are now, and that those end zone doinks in the fall are a thing of the past.

2. Wear Tennis Shoes instead of Cleats

Everyone wears cleats, and you (the future of the program) are going to need an edge. Ever had someone juke you out in cleats? With Tennis Shoes, you’ll be able to slide on the April grass, making you more agile and Catwoman-like. Remember: look good, play good.

3. Bring Your Wham-O’s

University Club programs are always running short on discs, and they’ll need your help. When your captain announces: “Everybody get a partner and throw,” just grab that Target bargain bin steal out of your beg.

Shopper’s Tip: The Disc with the three players going up for the disc is the best one.

Bonus Shopper’s Tip: The more Glow in the Dark, the better.

4. Bring Hot and Spicy Pickles for Tournament Snacks

Pickles have been a staple of the Ultimate community for quite some time, and nothing refreshes your team’s seniors quite like Kosher Hot ‘n Spicy Dills. And if there’s one thing Ultimate players love, it’s surprises. So go ahead and peel off that label on the jar. Or better yet, mix it in with those bland and boring Vlasic’s the team mom brought!

5. Stand Up to Your Coaches and Captains Drinking

After a long tournament saturday, your captains may want to unwind with a 20 oz margarita at whatever 2.5 star Mexican Restaurant is in MiddleofFarmville, West Hampshire. Win over your superiors, by publicly maiming them for putting the team behind their alcoholism. As you know, beer is yucky. And yucky doesn’t win championships (and this is the year).

Floppy Tip: The more you shame your captains for their fairly standard tournament routines, the more respect you’ll earn.

6. Make a Trick Shot Video

“Throw outside of practice!”

You’ve heard that too much by now, it’s time you show everyone how hard you’re working! Anyone can throw an around backhand, but that scoober you’re going to throw into the Rec Centers basketball hoop could be worth 12, or maybe even 13 youtube hits. This one’s extra important, so let’s break down the steps.

Step 1: No tripods. The more stable your video is, the more fake it will seem. Find the teammate willing to help out (maybe a captain or coach), and have him film you with his Samsung Galaxy 3.

No tripods. The more stable your video is, the more fake it will seem. Find the teammate willing to help out (maybe a captain or coach), and have him film you with his Samsung Galaxy 3. Step 2: Edit, edit, edit. No trick shot video is complete without that slo-mo replay of you throwing over that statue on campus. Add some music while you’re at it, preferably Centuries by Fall out Boy or Turn Down for What by DJ Snake.

Edit, edit, edit. No trick shot video is complete without that slo-mo replay of you throwing over that statue on campus. Add some music while you’re at it, preferably Centuries by Fall out Boy or Turn Down for What by DJ Snake. Step 3: Tweet it at Brodie Smith! This may be the most important step. The validation you can get from the sponsor of the new Hyundai Alantra is bound to get you that desired starting time.

Tweet it at Brodie Smith! This may be the most important step. The validation you can get from the sponsor of the new Hyundai Alantra is bound to get you that desired starting time. Step 4: Reap the rewards! While your teammates have been running and throwing, you’ve been learning an actual real-life skill. Self-promotion.

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So there’s your tips Mr. Cargo Shorts. You got this. It’s all on you now. Go out there and earn it!

Sincerely,

FD