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Hooray and huzzah, for finally we have a Brexit breakthough!

The problem is that it doesn't look like Brexit, and it's not a breakthrough so much as an agreement to go into counselling. And finally, it is becoming clear why the self-labelled Brexiteers are all so bloody angry: they've lost.

They are watching the death of their dearest and longest-held dream. Up there on the world stage their fantasy of a New Elizabethan Age filled with financial buccaneers, Thatcherite homeowners and Pop Larkin is dying like Dapper Laughs' rape routine at a Beyonce gig.

The Prime Minister is a prime pillock. The Brexit Secretary can't decide whether he lied to us previously or is lying to us now. Boris Johnson has had a zip fitted to his mouth, Michael Gove is pretending to be a hippy and the Trade Secretary thinks the British bassoon industry can save us all.

Britain has caved on most of what we demanded, and compromised in previously-unacceptable ways on the rest. The £20bn divorce bill we vowed not to pay has been replaced by an offer to pay £39bn , and Nigel Farage who told us such long-term financial obligations of a bloated, unaccountable superstate should be ignored, says that applies to everything except his bloated, unaccountable £72,000-a-year superstate pension.

The UK state pension is a maximum of £6,359.60 a year. Just for perspective.

Many Brexit campaigners have spent their lives loving the idea of hating the EU. They've built careers and purpose upon it. Now that logic is killing off Brexit with the inevitability of the Grim Reaper at a lemming festival, they are going through the 7 Stages of Grief.

1. Shock

(Image: GEOFF CADDICK/AFP/Getty Images)

On the day of the referendum no Leave campaigner seriously expected to win. Nigel Farage conceded defeat, Michael Gove went to bed and David Cameron thought he'd still be Prime Minister.

Next morning, Dishface resigned, Farage declared a total and unshakeable victory on the basis of a 52-48 majority he'd vowed only a few days earlier to ignore, and Gove told his wife: "Gosh. I suppose I had better get up."

Remainers were shocked, Leavers were shocked, the EU was shocked, and even America - then yet to vote a cat-bothering warmonger into the presidency - shook its head sadly in our direction.

2. Denial

The first thing the Tories did, having endured 40 years of civil war over the EU, was split themselves into factions to fight a leadership battle. They didn't tell the EU we were off, didn't write a thank you letter. They began a whole new fight and got an indecisive Remain leader with the task of uniting a divided party, healing a divided country, and juggling the most important negotiations in living memory.

Labour did the same, and ended up with an indecisive Leave leader unable to harness the votes of 16m people opposed to Brexit. The Lib Dems sat down and cried, the EU carried on as normal, and Nigel Farage resigned again.

Then the government took a private citizen to the Appeal Court and argued, in all seriousness, that a vote to restore Parliamentary sovereignty did not mean Parliament could decide things, and Theresa May claimed the same divine right that had ultimately led to Charles I parting ways with his head. The judges said no, and were called enemies of the people.

This is fine, the Brexiteers said. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FINE, AHAHAHAHA.

3. Bargaining

(Image: Getty)

Farage's ego, bereft of purpose, got on a transatlantic jet and begged for attention from Donald Trump. Then he became a shock jock because if anyone was suited to fact-free, unapologetic cowpoking it was him.

Cameron haggled for an £800,000 advance on his memoirs, a shepherd's hut and his third home. Osborne got a newspaper, £650,000-a-year for one day a week at the world's biggest investment firm, and made space in his freezer. Jeremy Corbyn ate noodles.

The Disgraced Liam Fox said the EU trade deal would begin immediately and would be "one of the easiest in human history". Then he said they couldn't talk about trade yet, would be talking about it to everyone else, couldn't agree a single deal anywhere until after we'd left and finally that everyone should invest in woodwind.

We're negotiating, said the Brexiteers. We might walk away without a deal. THAT WOULD SHOW THEM!

4. Guilt

It turns out that no deal means no Euratom. It means the European Court of Justice forever, it means an immigration nightmare, and it means Ireland bootlegging everything that's not nailed down. It means expensive court cases and having to find billions of pounds to fund infrastructure, farm subsidies, industry regulators and watching our biggest money-makers pack up and leave.

EU nurses are staying away, holding hands with Donald Trump hasn't stopped him retweeting Britain First, Boris is all but banned from speaking in public and Gove is trying to make up for everything by being nice to animals.

Theresa, meanwhile, called a snap election that led to a brief moment of tearful introspection as she realised that our nation was even more indecisive than she was.

5. Anger

(Image: REX/Shutterstock)

This is the stage most Brexiteers are at - blaming someone else.

It's Theresa's fault because she's a Remainer! It's Jeremy's fault for not picking a side! It's definitely not UKIP's fault, or Nigel's, or Boris', and none of them are ever going to say sorry!

When it looks like our negotiations are being handled by low-IQ charlatans, that we've conceded on every major point, that no nation with a land border with the EU can exit without a hard border and we cannot impose a hard border on Northern Ireland, when the customs union, single market and EU regulations cannot be abandoned and we have to pay more than we do now for the same things we already have, and we realise Brexit will merely remove our ability to influence the rules we must abide by, it is not their fault for not spotting it sooner.

THIS IS THE EU'S FAULT! say the Brexiteers. Bastards.

6. Depression

(Image: PA)

So it turns out that the Brexit Secretary boasted of spending money on impact assessments he now insists have a "value close to zero" and in fact don't exist anyway.

It turns out Northern Ireland cannot leave the EU, and if they don't go then the rest of the UK has to Remain in all but name as well.

It is going to mean less money for the NHS rather than more, because we'll be paying to the EU like we used to only this time we won't get a rebate.

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Oh, and to top it all, the democratic vote for the entire United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland to Leave the EU is a logical impossibility. NI cannot leave, and if the rest of us do then the union dissolves. Either way the whole UK does not do what it said on the ballot paper and democracy is dead.

The Brexiteers at this point are the last ones at the party, looking into the bottom of a plastic beer glass which, they are starting to realise, contains more spit than it does beer. OH BUGGER, they'll mutter.

7. Hope

(Image: Getty Images Europe)

At some point between now and 2019 someone will say "we need to take back control". They will demand more money for the NHS, less money to the EU superstate, point out our Parliament is being ignored, there are unnecessary new layers of regulations, and that the only way out of this mess is to reverse Brexit.

The only people still screaming "Leave!" will be Nigel's latest paramour and whatever is left of the two main parties at whatever is left of their leaders. When the second referendum on the deal is held, the options will be a) Remain or b) Leave Which Will Actually Be The Same As Remain Only More Expensive.

The Brexiteers will never admit that Brexit was impossible or that their chosen champions were were a disgrace to professional clowning. If the EU has any sense of timing, this is the point it will offer a concession on control of free movement, and allow the critics to save face while changing their minds.

Brexit will be dead. But they won't want to talk about it.