The chief of staff to European commission president Jean-Claude Juncker is accused of leaking details of Theresa May’s abject begging for concessions. What else shall we expect from the man known as ‘The Monster’?

Age: 46.

Appearance: Anonymous. It could be him you saw. Or someone else. And yet …

What are you talking about? He’s the German chief of staff to European commission president Jean-Claude Juncker.

Does that mean he provides the booze or tries to take it away from him? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Why’s Mart making the news, then? He has been accused of leaking the details of May’s dinner with Juncker, at which she apparently virtually wept and begged on bended knee for a crumb of compromise from the wholly uninterested man’s table. He has strongly denied being the source of the leak.

Is he a likely candidate for the leak? Though supposedly a mere facilitator to the president, Selmayr is widely considered to be one of the most powerful men in the Eurocracy. His nickname is “the Rasputin of Brussels”. Juncker calls him “the Monster of the Berlaymont”, the commission’s headquarters. He makes Alastair Campbell look like a marshmallow kitten.

Maybe something’s lost in translation? The German former finance minister Wolfgang Schauble once said: “Do you know the difference between Selmayr and God? God knows he’s not Selmayr.”

Does he have any other fans? The former budget commissioner Kristalina Georgieva last year referred to the “poisonous” atmosphere he created.

Certainly there is a pattern forming to these possible mistranslations. But it doesn’t mean he wishes us any harm, does it? He was an immovable opponent to granting concessions to David Cameron during pre-referendum negotiations for a new relationship and, as a diehard devotee of the unification cause, is really, really, unimpressed with us now. And, could I remind you – his nicknames are “Rasputin” and “the Monster”.

Oh, well. You lose some, you lose some. A motto to live by over the coming years.

Do say: “Mr Selmayr! Love, love, love your work! Ich liebe es! Je l’adore! Me encanta! S’il vous plait, bitte, por favor und per favore don’t kill me.”

Don’t say: “Eminence grisly.”