So, the Twins apparently realized that I was starting on a new Statistical Overview post, as they immediately went on a five-game rampage and torpedoed some of my stats (including a treasured 1899 Cleveland Spiders comparison). However, I remain undeterred, because make no mistake - this team has still been plenty bad. On with the stats...

Slugging percentage

Justin Morneau: .345

Nick Punto: .385

Toby Gardenhire: .383

Home runs

Twins: 35

Mark Teixeira and Curtis Granderson, combined: 35

Twins' current active roster: 22

Jose Bautista: 20

Yankees who would be leading the Twins in home runs

Curtis Granderson

Mark Teixeira

Robinson Cano

Russell Martin

Alex Rodriguez

Hey, at least Brett Gardner didn't make the list this time: Shut up

BA/OBP/SLG

Twins pitchers: .333/.333/.500

Twins position players: .243/.303/.349

Twins' current active roster: .239/.296/.344

1962 New York Mets: .240/.318/.361

Nick Punto: .262/.355/.385

HBP

Twins' current active roster: 12

Carlos Quentin: 13

Should I reuse the "Serves him right" line: Yes

Batting Average

Drew Butera: .150

Johan Santana (career): .174

RBI

Alexi Casilla (2011): 9

Ben Zobrist (April 28th): 10

Total Bases

Rene Rivera (2011): 15

Ben Zobrist (April 28th): 16

Pitching wins

Kevin Correia: 8

Any two Twins pitchers, combined: 8 (max)

Save percentage

Matt Capps: 66%

Jon Rauch: 75%

ERA

Glen Perkins: 1.59

Dusty Hughes: 9.95

Winning percentage

Glen Perkins: .000

Dusty Hughes: 1.000

Judging pitchers by win/loss record: Stupid

OPS+

2011 Minnesota Twins: 81

Yuniesky Betancourt (career): 82

OPS

2011 Minnesota Twins: .652

Denny Hocking (career): .653