The Perks of Being a Professional Protester

“Just had a very open and successful presidential election. Now professional protesters, incited by the media, are protesting. Very unfair!”

— Donald Trump on Twitter

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George Soros is at every protest with a huge sack of cash. The money is amazing — he just gives it to you when you show up, and says, “Here is the cash! Thanks, my faithful protesting employees. My name is George Soros. This is happening in real life, you are not dreaming, and this is not an insane lie your president-elect is making up. I’m in multiple cities and countless college campuses across the country at once handing out money. Don’t ask how it’s possible, just take my cash!”

Some people grab a reasonable amount of money from the bag, like five or ten million dollars, but others can be greedy and take close to a billion. No biggie though, because Soros still has enough money to go around. He is a criminal wanted in a thousand countries across the world, but we don’t care because he’s paying us.

Luckily, there’s no one at the protest who is furious and terrified that a racist demagogue has taken power; a man who took days to denounce the hate crimes across the country being committed in his name, and who is pursuing deeply racist, sexist, and anti-LGBTQ policies, that put marginalized people’s lives at risk. The people who feel that way are really unprofessional, and I haven’t seen them at any protests. Even if they showed up, they probably wouldn’t be interested in the cold hard cash that us professional protestors crave.

Sure, sometimes things can get a little wild. Police brutality and militarization is very real, but it all comes with the territory. That’s why George pays us the big bucks. We’re professionals!

After a few “hard days” of protesting we hit the spa to kickback and relax. All of the robes are embroidered with the words PROFESSIONAL PROTESTER on them — super classy. I normally go for a hot stone treatment and a two-hour couples massage with one of my fellow protesters. Sure, it’s a little indulgent, but we just made five million dollars so why not live it up a little?

Later on, we usually engage in some retail therapy, buying high-end “street” clothes and fancy signage for future protests. I’m always on the hunt for an outfit that screams, I’ve been put up to this by the liberal elite and am being paid for my time here!

One of the slightly confusing things about professionally protesting is that sometimes you’ll hear about rallies in support of Donald Trump, done by people who aren’t being paid by anyone. Yes — incredibly, some people are gathering without getting paid. Crazy, right? That’s why it’s important for us pro protesters to focus on the money and not be distracted by rallies run by legitimate but non-paying organizations that support Trump, like the UFC and the KKK.

Possibly the best perk about being paid to protest is that it lets you feel like you actually support marginalized people, even if in the past you’ve criticized Black Lives Matter, denied the existence of systemic racism, or have never spoken out about sexism, homophobia, or transphobia in your life. And on top of that you get paid for it. It’s as easy as putting on a safety pin!

At the end of the day, professional protesting is a good way to provide financial support for you and your family while being an empty vessel thirsting for cash who doesn’t fundamentally disagree with Donald Trump’s racism and sexism. It’s a win-win for everyone!

Oh, I almost forgot to mention the biggest perk! Professional protesting can lead to lots of other great job opportunities. George is looking for people he can pay for professional volunteering, professional donating to charities, professional supporting local Democratic candidates— he’ll even pay you to professionally talk to people you know who voted for Trump to see if you can professionally change their minds. If you’re not taking the first step with a professional protest, you’re really missing out.