Kate Kelly, founder of Ordain Women, was excommunicated today. Before her excommunication was announced, the following is part of a press release from MormonNewsroom.org:

“In the Church, we want everyone to feel welcome, safe and valued, and of course, there is room to ask questions. But how we ask is just as important as what we ask. We should not try to dictate to God what is right for His Church.” – Ally Isom, LDS Church Spokeswoman

Okay, let’s just assume that we all accept that people should be expected to be nice. That’s a given. Here’s a follow-up question that I don’t see being considered though: “How do we respond when somebody is genuinely, legitimately upset about a question or concern?”

There are people in every stake, and in every ward, that have serious concerns with the doctrine, culture, or policies laid down by the Brethren. Everyone deals with things differently, and some of those people are going to be more impacted than others. Some people who have concerns even say things that make us uncomfortable. Sometimes, those people are justified in how they feel, and sometimes they aren’t.

Again, I ask: “How do we respond when somebody is genuinely, legitimately upset about a question or concern?”

Let’s imagine for a minute that there are two children: a son and a daughter. As any parent knows, you treat your children differently because they ARE different. However, over time the daughter begins to feel like the son is being favoured. This is a really hot topic for her, and she eventually blows up at her father because she has noticed that she doesn’t get treated with as many nice things as the son does. She rips him up and down, and tells her father that she feels that she deserves to be treated with as much attention as the son.

Now, in this situation, it seems obvious that the loving, Christ-like response for the father would be to de-escalate his daughter. In other words, he would calm her down, re-assure her that he loves her, listen to her concerns, and see if there is any possible way to reasonably accommodate her requests. Of course, a loving father would listen to his daughter instead of scolding her for getting all grumpy, right? She may actually have a legitimate perspective!

If it’s not obvious yet, the daughter represents those who have concerns, and the father represents the Church, made up of everyone from local leaders all the way up to the First Presidency of the Church.

Here’s my concern with comments like “How we ask is just as important as what we ask.” It’s victim blaming! We don’t actually want to hear the harsh criticism from those that we disagree with, so we throw it back in their face. We become the father who, instead of sitting down with his frustrated daughter, points his finger at her accusingly and bellows, “Don’t you take tone of voice with me, young lady!” Instead of working on those relationships that should be so valuable to us, we protect ourselves and our sense of security. We don’t want to come face-to-face with the possibility that maybe we ARE inadvertently hurting our daughter, and we may just need to listen to them to start working things out.

Are we really so insecure in our beliefs that we can’t handle the hard questions coming from within our own ranks? Are we so unsure of ourselves that we need to silence those who demand more of us? Do we really want to deal with differences of opinion with excommunication, instead of nurturing a culture of open and honest discussion of doctrine, policy, and culture?

I hope that we can get past this debacle without losing many of those within our ranks who do so much good, yet have doubts. I have my own doubts, but its people like Kate Kelly and John Dehlin who have helped me feel that there is a place for me in the Church while I struggle with my concerns and doubt. I worry that these excommunications will only re-enforce the narrative that you need to fit the mould or leave.

Freedom to ask questions is not really freedom if those who ask live in fear of excommunication because they didn’t ask in the right way. Its up to us as members of the Church to nurture a culture and environment where people can ask the hard questions without fear of repercussions. If we can get past our discomfort with conflicting opinions, we may just find that we’ve made our little slice of the Kingdom a better place.