The Great Hand Job Heist

In searching Google with hand jobs on my mind, I wanted reaffirmation that I wasn’t alone in loving a great massage with a happy ending. I googled, “Why do hand jobs feel so good?” Don’t ask me why, but I did. To my surprise, I found out that most people do not agree. Not only that, the search results instead pulled off a great heist. Rather than me finding out why hand jobs feel so good, I found out why they feel so bad! Hence the title: The Great Hand Job Heist.

A poll taken by Cosmopolitan shows 18 different opinions about how men feel about hand jobs. The results were shocking at first, but once age is taken into account, it all makes sense. It’s safe to assume that most of them have never felt a real hand job / massage. It’s also safe to assume a few of them have never been in relationship long enough that anything except actual vaginal sex satisfies them.

At least, that’s my take. As a couple that has started our 3rd decade of marriage, hand jobs have been the savior.

If it wasn’t for hand jobs, my vagina, ass, and even mouth would literally be shredded beef. A girl needs this option and should learn how to do it so good that her man can’t help but to request it. Trust me. From the talking, to the finish, you can make a hand job the top of his list. – Nessa

The Cosmopolitan Opinions:

1. “It’s like eating a fast-food hamburger. You can grill one at home and it tastes amazing. Or you can get in your car, drive 15 minutes, wait in a drive-through line, and get a way worse hamburger. Like, it tastes awful and you know you could’ve done a better job yourself.” —Jeff, 24



2. “Like a vagina, but worse.” —Eric, 25



3. “There’s no novelty to it. I can reach my own penis with my hand no problem, but I can’t suck my own dick … so I think blow jobs would always be more desirable. Maybe that would be different if men had stubby arms.” —Shaun, 25



4. “LOL.” —Josh, 25



5. “You know that saying ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all’? Hand jobs are the sex equivalent of that.” —Zack, 24





6. “It feels like you’re touching yourself but your hand fell asleep and so you’re fumbling with your penis awkwardly.” —Kyle, 23



7. “Once in college, I got one that actively hurt. And my penis was all red and swollen the next day, and I went to Student Care, and they told me it was friction burn. So it feels like friction burn on your dick.” —Ken, 29



8. “A hand job feels like jerking off but it’s better because it’s not your hand.” —Jose, 30



9. “I would never expect a girl to excel at it, because that’s weird and would probably make me wonder why and how they’re so good at it, but they’re usually painfully bad.” —Pete, 25

When I first copied these responses, I actually laughed at a few of them. Not because they were wrong, but because they were funny. I also thought that I was going to add responses to each opinion, but chose not to because the flow of negativity was too good. It makes much more sense to just let it all out. What I do notice though, is that the older the person is, the less harsh they seem towards the idea of hand jobs.

For example:

10. “I don’t think this is easy to answer unless we establish if there’s some kind of lubrication or not. A lubeless hand job? It’s almost guaranteed to be awful. Either the grip is too hard, or too loose, or the rhythm is off, or some kind of combination thereof. The stars have to align perfectly for a lubeless hand job to work. A lubed-up hand job can basically feel like a blow job, so … much, much better.” —Kevin, 28

Number 10 is pretty accurate. For me, when I think of hand job, it wouldn’t cross my mind that some hand jobs are done without lube. Much like it wouldn’t cross my mind if someone asked about anal sex, it would be without lube. In my opinion, the two go hand and hand (pun). You wouldn’t give someone a serious hand job without lube of some sort. Saliva, coconut oil, something.

Can you imagine Cosmopolitan making a poll about anal sex (assuming no lube is being used):

1. Anal is like the orphan child of sex. It’s everything the vagina isn’t. It really burns and the one time I tried it I ended up in the ER the next day because of wounds to my penis. 2. If you could imagine a vagina in a desert with sand for miles upon miles. That would be a woman’s anus. Now imagine sticking your penis inside of those sand dunes and enjoying yourself. 3. I could shove my penis into sandpaper and get a better sensation. It’s like the vagina except extremely painful. 4. We both ended up in the hospital that night. Not good. 5. Are we talking about lubeless anal, or anal with lube?

That’s pretty much how this entire article goes. Although I do not want to attack Cosmopolitan, the article does shows the miseducation of those asking and answering the question. It should have been clarified, in our opinion. Because to ask about hand jobs without lube, is equivalent to asking about anal without lube. Or even having sex with a vagina when the girl isn’t turned on or lubricated properly. And this is the number 1 search result when asking “How do hand jobs feel?”

The Great Hand Job Heist. For entertainment purposes, let’s continue.

11. “I dunno. It’s just … I have hands. I can do that.” —Jared, 22 12. “I don’t remember the first time I ever masturbated, but I imagine every hand job is pretty much on par with that experience. Except I don’t freak out when I come.” —Ryan, 25



13. “I was never a fan of the ‘old-fashioned’ until recently. It’s usually slow and awkward and doesn’t feel all that wonderful. But it feels like ecstasy when done correctly. A complete detachment from my thoughts and concentrating on the physical senses that overcome my body and mind.” —Matt, 28



14. “Hand jobs? I don’t know. I’m not 14.” —Keith, 25

Number 14 is interesting…because he is right. A hand job may be something you enjoy at 14, then quit enjoying in your 20s. For the straight man, the vagina takes over as the most important thing on earth. Oral sex is always a close second. Anal is attempted a few times, but you both agree that’s on special occasions. However, in your late 30s and 40s, the full experience becomes more important. The vagina is no longer the holy grail, but just one of the things that make women the most amazing creatures on earth.

15. “It’s like having surf and turf on the menu and then you order the chicken fingers.” —Vince, 28



16. “I have to be real here … I was a late bloomer, so I think I skipped the whole period where everyone was getting hand jobs. By the time I had any luck with the ladies, you were probably just having sex. But I got a hand job once and … I never had any interest in getting another. It wasn’t bad, it was just OK. I think that says it all. —Colin, 24



17. “OK, I know people probably shit all over hand jobs, but if someone knows how to do it, they can be really good. You have to use lotion, though, and unlike a blow job, she can suck on your nipples at the same time. Every guy should try that once. ” —Evan, 28



18. “Hand jobs are a consolation prize. I have never had a hand job that didn’t feel like, ‘Oh, I’m not in the mood for intercourse, but here, take this. Thanks for playing.’ I don’t think hand jobs are bad, I just think it’s tough to enjoy them when you know things could’ve gone a whole lot better.” —Jeff, 26

These last responses really aren’t that bad. For the most part, the older the person answering, the more they understand it really is about how well the hand job is being done. You can’t ask a 22 year old how a hand job feels. He has had so little experience in his life, so little vagina in his life, that anything other than a vagina or mouth would be a let down. However, you ask a man that has had his share of vagina, especially those of us in relationships where sex isn’t rationed, a hand job is just as good as anything a woman can offer. Especially when she knows what she is doing.

What A Hand Job Should Feel Like

For us, we have been intimate twice a day, for the last 7 years. Probably longer, but clearly our article written in 2013 shows how long we have been practicing The Circle. Back then it helped our relationship grow to another level, and continues to help us bond each day. It’s the type of connection that keeps us as one unit, rather than separate people that use each other for their own pleasure. True soulmates, if you believe in that. However, it has also given us reason to find other ways to be intimate besides sticking my penis inside of her vagina and digging for gold.

You can totally get into his head while stroking him. Unlike sex, oral sex, or kissing (making out), you can actually talk in detail. Your words and thoughts can take over his experience. From scenarios that may never happen, to outrageous fantasies that break all your boundaries, to just telling him how much you want to taste his cum. Or how much you love holding his dick. There are times I will go into detail about how beautiful the colors of his dick are, how perfect his swollen head looks, to talking about every turn and curve his veins make in his shaft and how much I love looking at them. This is the type of talk that a woman just can’t do while she is being fucked or sucking his dick. – Nessa

The things we can’t do properly during sex, kissing, and oral:

Talking. In fact, a lot of times during oral talking is the last thing we want to hear. “Just be quiet and let me just hear that beautiful slurping sound.” I know if I try to talk while going down on my wife, she will reach down and pull my head more into her vagina. This is her way of saying, “Please shut the fuck up” as nicely as possible.

There is an unspoken (pun) 6 word rule. During sex or oral.

“I love you so fucking much.”

“Please cum in me.”

“Your dick is so fucking big.”

“Fuck it hurts so bad.”

“Your pussy is so fucking tight.”

“It’s so fucking wet.”

“Where do you want my cum?”

“Who’s your daddy?”

“Look at me while you suck.”

“Suck on my lips.”

“Fuck me with your tongue.”

And the list goes on and on. Although dirty talk is fun, you are a bit limited because of what you are doing. Whether it be sucking, fucking, or kissing. You may dirty talk between transitions, but for the most part your actions are much louder than words. And there is nothing wrong with that.

What you can do the entire time during a hand job:

Talking.

A hand job is more than just 6 words. A good hand job can be filled with entire stories of various adventures you both can come up with. Not only can you talk, because you are relaxed and totally caught in the moment, but the person giving you the hand job can talk as well. Whether about how much she loves your dick, how it feels, how much she can’t wait to see you cum, or sexy stories about the things you have done, may do, or may never do. No real rules when it comes to fantasies.

Some of the comparisons about hand jobs being another form of masturbation is correct. However, why the hell is masturbation a bad thing? Masturbation can be amazing, if you know what you are doing. Edging, dirty thoughts, and controlling how long you release your oxytocin. A lot of times men will masturbate nearly twice as long as they have actual intercourse. They edge themselves to make sure they have a huge release. When done right, masturbation is amazing. In fact, it has been talked about by various women that their men will leave them asleep (or turn down sex) and later get caught masturbating. This is extremely common. Why? Because you can use your mind, your fantasies, and even think about all the skeletons in your closet while watching a porn video.

Now imagine having a person that you can open up with and experience your deepest darkest thoughts and fantasies together.