The new Star Wars premiered in Hollywood today, and I was lucky enough to snag a press badge to attend. At least, I thought I was lucky, until I watched the film. Like everything else in America these days, the Star Wars fandom is divided between those who’d want the franchise to lean more conservative, and those who wish Disney would depict a more progressive universe. Well, Disney delivered on the fans’ wishes in way that’s sure to offend everyone. There’s an embargo on reviews, but I’m breaking it to warn you all: Rise of Skywalker is here, it’s queer, & it’s voting For Trump.

Yes, it’s true, the House of Mouse granted progressive fans’ wishes for a more diverse film, but also regressive fans’ wishes for a film that holds up “traditional values.” It’s a confusing mess that winds up—like most centrist art—really just promoting conservatism. For example, young fans who are dying for Poe & Finn to come out as a couple—all you eager StormPilot shippers—will be devastated when they finally kiss, only to then engage in a lengthy dialogue about the principles of small government. Finn at one point asks whether they should get married; Poe replies that if it’s not “the will of the majority,” then “who are we to impose our policy wishes on others?” Finn nods, and then shoots an Ewok who is crossing a border.

What border? It’s unclear. There’s a sign that just says “THE BORDER” and they’re standing near it, for no apparent reason. I’m frankly baffled as to how or why J.J. Abrams agreed to direct this, given what appears to be an enormous amount of studio meddling with the script. It’s hard to imagine that he wanted to shoot a scene where Chewbacca rants about illegal vs. legal immigration, in perfect English. His filmmaking style is not one that is overly concerned with logic, but even Abrams wouldn’t have come up with something that nonsensical.

There are still parts where it’s clearly an Abrams work. The scene where X-Wings—hijacked by Palpatine’s Sith troopers—attack the Millennium Falcon is thrilling, & visually stunning! However, the pacing is undercut by what seems to be raw on-set audio of Billy Dee Williams, explaining that: “appearing in this film was supposed to be a gift to fans, but I cannot in good conscience endorse this sham any longer. Leave this audio in. No, no, don’t cut me off! I’m Billy Dee Williams, damnit, and you will leave this in the movie!” You can then hear his footsteps as he walks off-set, even though his character is still clearly piloting the Falcon. A powerful statement, yes, but one that really takes you out of the moment.

“I’m Billy Dee Williams, damnit, and you will leave this in the movie!”

Speaking of Palpatine, his return was a surprise to be sure, but a welcome one…For all of three seconds, until he explains that “the women’s bathrooms aboard this battle station are fully operational—and for ‘real women’ only.” That’s right, Palpatine’s a TERF.

The real low point, however, was when they used CGI to make Leia endorse family separation. That is a gross betrayal of the dearly-departed Ms. Fisher, and they didn’t even do new CGI for it! They just re-used the shots from Rogue One, dubbed over by a choppy AI. Sheer laziness.

After about 53 minutes—right about when C-3PO argues that gay people have a right to exist, but wonders why they have to “be so loud about it”—the film ceases to be a Star Wars film, and becomes a disjointed stream of Star Wars political ads. For example, there’s a trans Sith character—Snopo the Gleem—who joins Kylo’s squad in the third act. After Kylo makes a pretty cowardly speech about how he “will defend trans rights” so long as it “doesn’t impinge on [his] own freedoms,” the trans character then looks directly into camera and flatly declares that “a strong #2A is the best defense for any trans person in America.” The line seems to have just been a verbatim tweet from the Log Cabin Republicans; the actor even says the word “hashtag.”

I understand that Disney is fundamentally a conservative moneymaking endeavor—let’s not forget that CEO Bob Iger was a Trump policy advisor —but it used to at least be a conservative filmmaking endeavor. That’s all gone out the window, and Abrams should be embarrassed to have his name on this propaganda trash.

There even is an inexcusable seven-minute post-credits “scene,” featuring an alien named “Iob Giber,” which is plainly Mr. Iger in slapdash prosthetics. He speaks passionately about the need to leave “the planet Ch’ina” alone while it “seizes the reins of destiny, and also, Ta-Iw-An is part of Ch’ina.” He then shakes hands with Xi Jinping—who didn’t even bother with makeup—and they both fly off in the Slave I.

Overall, I cannot imagine anyone liking this film. It’s far too conservative for liberal fans to enjoy, and far too faux-progressive for regressive fans to enjoy. I mean, a trans character, existing, with power & agency? I can practically hear Tucker Carlson screaming already.

It was, though, more fun than Solo.