Taliban wives harass husbands for not putting the toilet seat down

(ACPA-Kandahar, AFG) Taliban fighters stopped throwing acid in schoolgirls' faces long enough to express outrage that US marines urinated on their dead comrades and then put the seat down. "Have they no pity, no pity on us at all," screamed Mohammad Abdul Farid. "Now I go home to three wives and all I hear is 'Mohammad Abdul, you never put the seat down, not like those American boys, when are you going to start putting the seat down Mohammad, when?' Three of them, nagging at me all day long, God make it stop, make it stop, please, Inshallah."

"In fact, I do feel sorry for Mohammad," said marine corporal Brandon Mitchell of Raleigh, North Carolina. "It's just that's the way we're trained. Even today, I can still hear the Sgt. Major at boot camp...."

"Son, is your momma a crack whore who pees in an alleyway?"

"No, Sgt. Major sir, this marine's mom is not a crack whore who pees in an alleyway, sir."

"Is she a white trash, chain smoking drunk who lies in her own human waste?"

"No, Sgt. Major sir, she is not."

"Not WHAT, marine?"

"This marine's mom is not a white trash, chain smoking drunk who lies in her own human waste Sgt. Major, sir."

"Then why is that seat UP?"

"I forgot Sgt. Major sir."

"Forgot? You forgot? You mean you don't care about your own mother, you useless lazy ungrateful disgrace to a uniform. You're going to clean every latrine in here every day for the rest of the year."

"Yes, Sgt. Major sir, yes sir."

Sanctimonious wailing Stateside

But as cries of outrage fill the hills and hamlets around Kandahar, a different, more sanctimonious noise is being heard Stateside. In a Q&A with Tavis Smiley, Lt. Col. Tom Rice of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service explained, "We can't allow ourselves to treat the dead Taliban with the same disrespect we treat the living ones. If we do that we are savages just like them. NCIS will prosecute these marines."

Tavis: "So let me see if I understand: it's collateral damage if you drop a bomb on a house and kill a bunch of civilians, right?"

NCIS: "Right."

Tavis: "But it's a war crime if you pee on them afterwards?"

NCIS: "Yes sir, we have to treat the dead better than the living, that's the rule."

Tavis: "Can you pee on them before you kill them?"

NCIS: "Ugh, now that's just gross."

Tavis: "O.K. thanks for clarifying that and remember folks, don't try this at home, it's not like we're French or something. Now move along to the next story please, move along, there's nothing more to be heard here."

Thank you. The end.

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