Things I wish adults would have told me

when I was growing up:

I'm not a parent, but I've learned everything there is to know about parenting by watching other parents. I can tell at a glance when a kid is spoiled. The first sign is when he or she is accompanied by a dopey, spineless parent who's too afraid to say the magic word: "no." This is the first and only word you need to know when dealing with a child's demands. Or, optionally, "fuck no!" No explanation is necessary. In fact, if you give your child an explanation as to why you said "no," it makes you look like a moron. Until the child is cognizant enough to understand explanations—which are essentially arguments—you're wasting your time. Explaining budgeting constraints, limited income and financial obligations to a child is like explaining movie plots to a dog. But by far, the most important rule is:

Stop inflating your child's ego.

Kids think they're awesome. I know I did when I was a kid. So you don't need to tell him or her, "good job" when you don't mean it. Some kids shouldn't be encouraged to keep trying at something they don't like and aren't good at. You're wasting everyone's time. And on that note, you don't need to keep lying to your kids to "protect" them from getting their feelings hurt. Kids in third-world countries have to deal with much harsher shit than being told to "shut up" every now and then, and somehow they survive. Here are the things I wish adults would have told me when I was growing up to save me the trouble and risk of not learning them at all:

There were a lot more life-lessons I didn't cover on my video (mainly because editing blows and takes forever), so I posted them here:

The expanded list of things adults should tell kids:

Tell your stammering children to stand up straight and look people in the eye, or don't bring them out in public.

Stop texting. You aren't entitled to text. You aren't entitled to a phone. Nobody owes you anything.

Stop screaming. Do you see adults scream at the top of their lungs and throw food in restaurants? It's basic social etiquette. Pay attention to what others are doing and get some fucking manners.

Tell your kids that they need to have something interesting to say.

Finish your stories. If your story doesn't have a beginning, middle and an end, chances are good that it's not a story and it's just you saying words. Nobody cares.

Don't talk during movies.

Don't talk during car rides.

Don't talk while music is playing.

Don't talk.

People don't have time to stand around prying a greeting out of your little monster. Tell your kids that when someone introduces themselves to you, that's your cue to reply with your name. Or at a minimum, acknowledge that there's another human being talking to you. Don't just stare awkwardly like an asshole and then bury your face in your mother's tits.

On that note, you might think it's cute that you're having a learning moment with your kid by letting him or her pick whatever they want at a restaurant, but when people are waiting behind you, tell your kid what to order. You're paying for it, so you decide. If they don't like it, tough shit. You want to teach your kid a life-lesson? Send them to bed hungry if they can't make up their minds. Yeah, I know this one's technically for adults, fuck off and order already.

Tell them to enunciate.

Tell them to stop running in restaurants.

Tell them to stop lying. Kids lie more than anyone I know.

If your child's teacher wants to talk to you about his or her behavior, it's probably because your kid is a fucking asshole. Stop defending your child and listen to the teacher.

Tell them to stop crying all the fucking time. It's annoying.

Tell them to do their homework. Your kid is a moron by default, and will continue to be a moron until someone somewhere teaches him or her how to think critically. Until or unless that happens, they factor zero to society's equation.

Stop eating everything you find. Some of it might be shit.

If you want to pout and get angry at an adult, why don't you ask a kid to help drive you to the store next time you get hungry.

Stop singing.

Quit showing off. Your twirls aren't that impressive. Any adult can twirl better than you.

All the cartoons and shows you like today are inferior versions of things that existed in the past.

All the music you like is garbage.

You don't have a fashion sense. You're just mimicking others around you—poorly.

You don't get to use sarcasm. Adults invented sarcasm for other adults.

Pay rent.

Move out.

Get a life.

Quit being stupid.

Quit trying to manipulate others with your tears.

That's it for now. There's a lot more, but thinking about kids while writing this list pissed me off so I'm going to go zap my balls in the microwave, as soon as they invent one that can fit a bean bag.