Things I Have Done

(not a confession)

It has become quite fashionable lately to read blogs that incite you to “live differently” and have “an exciting life” that allows you to be “location independent”. They may also try to sell you various Internet marketing schemes or products in their quest to have you “live like a rock-star”. Or they may describe how you can lose 30 lbs. in 3 weeks by the expedient means of adding cinnamon in your espresso and reading their radical new diet book. Some of these sites also have lengthy lists of “amazing and thrilling accomplishments” the writers of said blogs have done, or are doing, or aspire to do, or want you to believe they have done. And that’s before we even enter the realm of the so-called pick-up gurus who promise you that you will be able to seduce hordes of bisexual supermodels by the mere expedient of buying their $400 book, or take part in their exclusive $7,000 seminar. Or the Internet marketers that tell you that “you too could live on $3,000 a week by just following these 5 easy steps on twitter”.

And it is certainly before we even make any mention of the pick-up artists cum Internet marketers cum snakeoil salesmen, who, if you bother to research the phenomenon a little, tend to often be the very same people, just wearing different hats. Now. You might think that a refined gentleman such as myself would be somewhat skeptical of such individuals. Or possibly subtly imply that many of them are just quite simply lying and making shit up with intent to defraud you of hard earned cash, while others may just be gullible fools themselves, who neglect to mention that for every “wealthy enter(you)preneur (which means ‘taker’ in French) living the high life” as a result of actually following the advice they dispense (not so freely), there are 999 others living on noodle-soup in a shack in Bangkok wondering if they should sell their kidney or their bodies for the airfare back to whichever sheltered little first world haven they hailed from before beginning their journey.

But no, gentle reader, you would be wrong. Far be it from me to criticize. If you feel such blogs make for inspirational, entertaining reading, then by all means, go ahead and read them. And your money is yours to do with as you please. And if you really think you will learn anything about being comfortable in the presence of women other than by being in the presence of women, then go right ahead and go do a pick-up seminar surrounded by hundreds of sexually inept males. That’s bound to help. Somehow.

In fact, for your own entertainment and inspiration, I will now present to you my very own (drumroll please):

LIST OF THINGS I HAVE DONE!

And please keep in mind kind pilgrim, a lot of these were done before Al Gore invented the Internet. Before Cinnamon in espresso made you thin. Before the Atkins diet. Before being a backpacker was redefined as being a location independent lifestyle designer. Before Google. That’s right youngling. A lot of this was done long, long ago, and far, far away, when I was only beginning to master the ways of the force and was still an impetuous Jedi. My lightsaber was still the classic blue-white of yonder, which is still the best one by the way, and the Sith Lords were right in your face, not hiding behind a screen on the Internet.

So take heed. If I can do these things without ever even having thought about being an “entrepreneur”, you can probably make a living in Thailand selling fake antique furniture to wealthy New Yorkers. Or whatever your poison is. Oh and last thing… no, I am not making any of these things up. In fact I have had to leave out more than a few that some people might inadvisedly try to emulate, which would not be wise.

The List of Things I have Done

Competed Internationally in the sport of Fencing

Competed Nationally (UK) in the sport of Swimming

Competed Nationally (SA) in the sport of Karate

Written a book (actually written 5 so far, and more coming)

Made a scientific discovery ahead of its time (Mars was destroyed by intelligent action, not random natural events)

Written (for money) for magazines (2 so far)

Had my photographs published in a magazine as a photographer (one so far)

Achieved a black belt (2nd Dan) in Shotokan Karate

Qualified as an Instructor in Systema (Russian Martial Art)

Qualified and worked as a Hypnotist

Qualified as a Scuba Diver (up to Openwater II, that’s down to 30m)

Shot a handgun when I was about 2 years old (It was my dad’s .38 special and yes, I DO remember it, despite doctors saying it’s impossible for me to remember it. And it was safe, my dad was supervising. I shot a puddle. I hit it too.)

Shot a buffalo when I was 13

Learnt how to track, find water and food in the Kalahari desert, being taught by one of the last free Bushmen (Khoi San)

Know how to kill, skin, salt and/or cook the meat of a wild animal

Had pet lion cubs until they got so big we had to give them back to the lion farm they came from

Been in a cage with adult grown lions that I didn’t know and who didn’t know me

Had a pet python, pet tarantula, per poisonous snake (puff adder) and many pet scorpions

Had a pet monkey (small kind)

Had a pet baboon (big kind)

Had a pet skunk

Had pet tortoises, guinea pigs, rabbits, dogs, cats, and one crazy rooster. No, we did not own a farm or live on one at the time.

Qualified as a security expert in South Africa in order to work as an armed bodyguard

Learnt to use a pistol, revolver, shotgun, rifle and assault rifle by the time I was a young teenager (thanks dad)

Driven a Porsche Turbo that was rated as the second fastest car in South Africa at the time

Been stung by a cloud of wasps

Dined with Presidents (at least twice. More if you count formal functions)

Been married

Been divorced

Been married again

Had a daughter

Going through a second divorce

Won enough money at gambling to pay for a holiday

Never lost more money gambling than I won (I don’t gamble much)

I have moved homes 46 times and will move again (if it’s true that moving is close to being one of the top 3 traumatic life experiences, then consider me The Terminator of Relocation)

Been in a relationship for more than 10 years

And ended it when it stopped feeling right

Entered in a relationship that became long term within 15 minutes of meeting someone

Not been in a long term relationship with someone I had been seeing for months

Had an open relationship (yes it was nice, and yes it came close to being the one, and no, it didn’t end because of the sex with others. Neither did the other open relationship I had.)

Travelled to another country only to meet a girl I had until then only “met” on the Internet (Yes it went well. Yes, every time I did it.)

Had a girl travel to the country I was in only to meet me, who until then they had only “met” on the Internet (Yes it went well. Yes, every time someone did it.)

Have absolutely no intention to ever throw myself out of a perfectly good plane unless it is absolutely necessary to do so for reasons of survival.

Arrested someone (well, technically I didn’t do any of the paperwork, but I certainly did the ‘arresting’ part. Several times. It always went well.)

Had more than 400 million dollars in my bank account (it lasted only a few minutes and I never knew it, nor was I able to withdraw any of it at the time, otherwise, believe me, I would have. It was a bank clerk error. They had typed in my account number as my balance when I deposited a cheque.)

I have At Some Point Worked as:

A waiter (only about a week in my whole life, I was 16)

Owned my own computer hardware company (I was doing my degree course at the time)

A site manager (construction)

A general manager (construction)

A general manager (electrical installations firm)

A karate instructor

A bodyguard

A Security consultant/expert

A Quantity Surveyor (construction)

A Systema Instructor

An Author

A Hypnotist

A Commercial Manager (Construction)

I have At Some Point Eaten:

Snakes

Crocodrille meat

Caterpillers (dried)

Termites (cooked)

Snails

Frog legs

Baboon meat

Baboon balls (they were cooked. It was a dare. I was 5.)

Cat (I didn’t know at the time)

A LOT of pussy (not the cat kind – see above)

Lived in the following Countries:

Italy – approx. 7-8 years

Nigeria – approx. 2 years

Botswana – approx. 10 years

South Africa – approx. 13 years

UK – approx. 11 years

Visited the following Countries:

In Europe

Switzerland

France

Germany

Czech Republic

Greece

Turkey

The Vatican

Russia

Spain (mainland, but also including Ibiza and Gran Canaria)

In Africa

Namibia

Egypt

Bophuthatswana (no longer exists as a country)

In Asia

Japan

Hong Kong

In the Americas

The USA (Minnesota, Arizona, California)

Canada

Brazil