Stupendous Containment Procedures

The phone rang in Mr. Watts's room. Though he was only six years old, he got several phone calls, and he was very important. Normally, he would direct them to his assistant, but he was currently hunting some elephants in the backyard. He had told him to bring a large slab of meat back. Mr. Watts picked up the phone and smiled. "Hello?"

"Mr. Watts!" On the other end of the line, a female voice that sounded like it was a child trying to be polite to its parents so that she could get candy, despite sounding around 20 years old. The voice had an undercurrent of hyperactivity, however, as if the person on the other end had just drank a glass of Coca-Cola made with real cane sugar, glitter and enough caffeine to make you vibrate through walls. "I'm willing to increase my offer for you for your technology. My company is willing to offer one point five million jellybeans."

Mr. Watts reclined in his seat. "Is that one and a half million jellybeans, or one million jellybeans plus half a jellybean?"

"Ah! Shrewd, Mr. Watts, shrewd." The voice on the other end laughed. "The former, I assure you."

"…are any of them weird flavors Miss… Wondertainment?" Mr. Watts snickered at this. He could never take that name seriously, no matter how much he tried.

"Of course not! Dr. Wondertainment does not make 'weird' flavors! We only grow the best jelly beans around! Bubblegum, toffee, cola, buttered popcorn, marshmallow, strawberry daiquiri…"

"…what's a daiquiri?"

"I don't know. We just grow them. They taste good, though. And they're fat-free, calorie-free, preservative-free… in fact, the only things they aren't free of are taste and price!"

"…that, plus a lifetime subscription to Chewing, and you may have a deal. I'll have to talk it over with my assistant."

"But of course! How's he doing?"

"He's-" Calvin was cut off by the sight of a four-foot-tall bipedal Bengal tiger walking into the room, eating from a can of tuna, his tail swaying happily. "Ah, he's here right now!"

"…on the phone with Isabel again?" asked the tiger, sitting on the bed and eating the tuna. "Turns out that elephants don't taste very good. Also, they're endangered, so I didn't actually catch it."

"How's one point five million jelly beans sound, Hobbes?"

"…sounds like diabetes. I'd say settle for no less than 1.6."

"I'm going to be donating most of it," Calvin explained, going back to the phone. "One point six, and we'll knock it down to a five-year subscription to Chewing."

"Excellent! People from my company will be stopping by to pick up your prototypes. And, uh, we'd like the Duplicator without the setting dial on it. Also, we'll let you keep your Transmogrifier pistol. Guns are so last year, anyway."

"Take the Cerebral Enhance-o-Tron, too. It wears off too quickly. Maybe you can do better work with it."

"Certainly! Oh, and… don't trust the policemen." The phone disconnected, and Calvin frowned.

"…policemen?"

"CAL-VIN!" The six-year-old jumped out of his seat, and so did his tiger, immediately changing back into a stuffed animal as soon as his mother entered the room, looking very angry. "Why are there policemen outside who want to speak to you? And… for god's sake, why is there Tuna in your room again?"

"Hobbes was eating it! And I don't think they're policemen, mom; Isabel told me not to trust them."

Calvin's mother cradled her head in her hand and sighed."…if this is a repeat of the thing with the salamander…"

"It isn't, mom. Just… let me talk to them." Calvin drew his transmogrifier pistol from his pocket and headed downstairs.

"Spaceman Spiff slowly descends into the dungeon below, his specialized pistol raised…"

The agents frowned as they overheard the kid descending the stairs. He was supposed to be some kind of a reality bender, and he had somehow gotten in contact with the Big W, so he was important. They were to bring him in for interrogation. But… something was wrong here. Agent Wu looked at Agent Micheals. "Is he… pretending?"

"Be ready for anything." Micheals undid the button on his holster that kept his gun in place. He hated to shoot a kid, but if it was necessary…

"A fugitive from the galactic police," the narration continued, "Falsely accused of crimes he did not commit, Spiff is ready for this. He was warned by his colleague and sole friend, the mysterious Wondertainment!"

"…what?" Asked Micheals. "Wondertainment was just in contact with this kid? Are you kidding?"

"Zap-zap!" A blonde six-year-old in a red-and-black stripped shirt jumped around the corner, firing an empty water pistol at them. "Spiff's ray turns their laser pistols utterly useless!"

The agents drew their guns- only to find that they had been replaced with scraps of paper that bore the words "utterly useless". "…oh no."

Another two shots of the gun. "There are rats in the Galactic Police! And they shall be exterminated!"

The agents found themselves completely transformed into rats, squeaking around on the floor. Spaceman Spiff picked them up and took them back to his room.

I've only got two friends in the whole wide world, and I'm just fine with that. One of them lives under my coat in a leather holster, the other lives in a bottle, and often goes to a timeshare in a shot glass. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a gumshoe.

Today, I got an odd case. Two mooks from hell-knows-where show up in my own private residence and try to take me away, posing as true blue policemen. I got tipped off by a dame to them, so lucky me, I guess. So now, I guess it's time to apply my good friend Occam, my shaving razor.

I tell the two rats to start talking or they get cut. I don't mean rats figuratively, either; the freaks in front of me are literally rats. Weirdest thing, I know. I light a cigarette and start asking questions.

"All right, who the heck are you workin' for, and what do you want with me?"

"Calvin?" I groan as the dame downstairs uses the name of someone I used to be, and hide the rats as best I can, going to the door.

"Yeah?"

"What happened to the policemen that were here? And what are you doing with your father's fedora?"

"They took off; they just wanted to ask me about Filthy Moe."

"…all right then." The gal looks relieved. She's getting on in years, so she's not terribly sharp. I go back to my interrogation session.

After a bit of… persuasion that Geneva would probably object to greatly, I get some info from the mooks: they work for a Foundation of some kind, and I highly doubt it's charitable. They were sent to 'contain' me for some reason, as if I needed containment, and I'm dangerous to them. I asked them why I'm dangerous, and he just says "Look at yourself. You changed from a six-year-old kid into a hard-boiled chain-smoking gun-slinging thing that would make Sam Spade jealous!"

I ask him how the hell he knows my pal Sam before deciding he and his friend need to get acquainted with the second-story window, and his good friend, the ground. After their meeting, I make a phone call to my source.

"That's horrible!" Isabel gasped as she heard Calvin talk over the phone. "Are you all right, Mr. Watts?"

"I'm fine, they're having a nap in the garden at the moment." Calvin put his hand over the receiver and looked at Hobbes. "Get out my cape." To Isabel, he said, "I need your help. I'm willing to throw in my time machine for free if you help me with this."

"Oooh… in that case… how do you plan to attack them? Perhaps Stupendous Man could help?"

"Exactly my thoughts," Calvin grinned. "I just need to get my cape and-"

"Calvin, your mom took your cape away, remember? It's in the attic."

Calvin frowned as he remembered this, and looked at Hobbes. "You're a tiger. What good is a wooden door against a 500 pound killing machine from Indonesia?"

"I'm only 350 pounds, thank you very much." Hobbes crossed his arms and frowned. "But… they did mean you harm, so…"

"Go get it," Calvin nodded, resuming his conversation with Isabel. "Sorry about that. So, where are they operating from?"

Half an hour later, a red streak flew across the sky that nobody could see, heading straight for a location halfway across the country. "Stupendous Man flies at the speed of light, but faster!" exclaimed the blur as it smashed into an office building in a large city. Chaos ensued as the person at the closest desk was launched into the far wall. Bullets bounced off of Stupendous Man's steel ribs as he walked through the facility. "Stupendous Man walks through the facility, searching for those who would dare try to contain him! He throws open a door, to find himself confronted with-"

Stupendous Man let out a shocked gasp. Before him was a blonde-haired teenager, sipping at a glass of wine and petting a white cat in her lap, a scar across her cheek and a monocle in her eye. This was Rosalyn, or as Stupendous Man knew her- "Babysitter Girl!"

"…Calvin, what are you doing in my house?"

"Don't play dumb! I know all about your Foundation that attempted to contain me!" With that, Stupendous Man flew up to Babysitter Girl and gave her a punch across the face, vanquishing her instantly. "Stupendous Man is victorious! Stupendous Man… away!"

Rosalyn groaned in her position, and got up about ten minutes later, rotating her stiff muscles. "…increase Class-A Amnestic input in Chagrin Falls. I want that twerp contained by any means necessary." The agents at her beck and call nodded, and she shook her head, lamenting the day she became the babysitter to Calvin Watts.