The Ecuadorians are fed up with their longtime lodger, Julian Assange. But many of us have had a nightmare flatmate. Here’s how to get them to leave

So it seems the people at the Ecuadorian embassy in London have had it with Julian Assange loitering around their pad, after it was revealed he has been told to take better care of his cat and clean his bathroom. In a gloriously petty move, they have even limited his wi-fi usage. Genius.

We have all been there, right? Any of us who have survived the second year of uni knows the horror of the wrong roommate. I mean, you could just ask them to leave, but it is way more fun, in my experience, to make life so unbearable that they are convinced they are going of their own volition. So here is a handy, five-step plan to removing an unwanted housemate.

Be a morning person

Even if you aren’t, you need to be. Set your alarm for 6am and start juicing. The sound of you jauntily whistling Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’ from Oklahoma over the top of a growling food processor will have them on Rightmove before you know it.

Get a pet

Phoebe in Friends opted for a tarantula to scare Rachel out of living with Joey, but I’ve found a puppy, while cute, to be more effective. They pee, they howl, they chew your socks.

#CoupleGoals

Get a lover at once. There is nothing more repulsive than coming home from a hard day at work to find your flatmate spooning their paramour on the sofa. Related: push your bed up against any adjoining bedroom walls.

Fridge imp

Incessantly steal just a little bit of food from your housemate. If they ask where their eggs/milk/pasta has gone, deny everything and blame mice.

Divide and conquer

By far the most important thing you have to do is infect every square inch of the house with you – without actually urinating. Mark your territory: absorb the wifi by downloading films; invest in a pungent Glade plug-in; hang pictures of your family in communal spaces; put passive-aggressive Post-it notes or a rota on the fridge; do as Cathy in Buffy did and play Cher’s Believe on repeat. Each of the five senses must be covered. If that fails, urinate.