I have been preparing lately to have a daughter. I’m not expecting, nor willing, I just like having skills I don’t need. Part of this preparation has been an exhaustive meta analysis of Princess based literature, to better understand the lessons imparted and how that would blend with my parenting style. We shall begin with Snow White.

Snow White



The Plot:

A beautiful queen on the decline resents her foxy step-daughter and plans to kill her. The daughter flees to the woods and becomes an in-house domestic for a cottage of dwarven miners. The Queen finds out her step-daughter survived, poisons her, and is undone when a wandering prince makes out with the corpse and seeks vengeance. Happily ever after.

A fair reading of the subtext

Pleasing a gang of autistic midgets will keep you from getting your heart cut out, but be sure to keep your shit tight enough that when you meet that special someone you can lay motionless on the ground in the hopes he’ll find your limp form compelling enough to solve your problems for you.

Lessons inherent to the story

Women hate other good looking women, so while beauty is the entirety of your worth it will also be your downfall. Sorry about that. Slut.



Singing, sewing, and submissiveness are the three S’s of effective conflict resolution



Don’t get old, the world will rise up against you



It’s not rape if you’re sleeping, so marry the impulsive scoundrel and make an honest man of him.

Lessons that I hope my daughter will extract

If you are going go to all of the trouble of crafting a magic poison apple maybe also grab a rock on the way there to give her head a good smash once she’s down. Just to cover your bases. Also magic poison seems less effective and more labor intensive, just use the regular kind.



If you know that people are after you, and you are super tight with dwarves that own and operate a prolific diamond mine, borrow some diamonds and raise a mercenary army to crush the Evil queen. Her military is composed of talking mirrors and day laborers intimidated into hit jobs, it shouldn’t be that hard.



If you have time to lounge about singing to animals then you have time to do some pushups and sharpen a fucking stick. You are not at theatre camp, this is a survival situation. Or instead of serenading bluebirds and rabbits yodel up some wolves and bears, be proactive. Show some pride. Lose your temper. Maybe the kingdom is better off with someone else running it.

Continued in Lesson From a Fantasy Princess: The Little Mermaid , and Lessons From a Fantasy Princess: Sleeping Beauty