IS THE ZHU ZHU PET THE MOST DANGEROUS TOY EVER CREATED BY SATAN AND HIS ARMY OF RED-HOOFED DEMONS IN HELL?

As always, Satan's shopping list of Christmas gifts are guaranteed to make any Christian parent call their state Senator after slapping their rebellious child across the face for ruining Christmas! We'd like to prevent that from happening. At least the slapping part. The following Christmas toys are banned from purchase. Be warned: If one of these items is found in your home or on your person, then you'll have to find yourself another place to worship, for you are no longer welcome at this Godly church.

6. Zhu Zhu Pet Hamsters:

Recent Fox News stories inform us that the noses of these demonic rodents are covered with chemicals that will kill your child and send them straight to Hell. Please make sure you child is saved and will go to Heaven before they are killed by this dangerous Christmas toy. These soft wiggling, sniffing creatures with moist, lubricated snouts (covered with chemicals to kill children) appear innocent enough, but their alluring squeaks are what REALLY have informed Christian parents worried. When our Deacons spent a leisurely afternoon playing with them and watching them walk through hoses, their muffled squeaks were heard squawking out lewd remarks! "Come hither and sniff my nose, precious child!" To think that little children across America will be sitting in their bedrooms alone, playing and listening to these hairy little rodents should make your skin crawl! If you are thinking about purchasing one, there is a way you can rip open a Zhu Zhu's neck through its lubricated chemical snout after covering it in Crisco Oil™. This will remove the hamster's obstructive vocal cord and make it pliable for burning on an altar of the Lord. If you are inviting a Zhu Zhu Pet into your home this Christmas, save yourself some pain and make sure it can't talk and it has a snipped snout!

2. Toy Story 3 Talking Buddies:

Our Christian mole in Hollywood informs us that Buzz Lightyear and Woody will be planning a gay toy marriage in their next film. As part of Hollywood's marketing campaign, and in a liberal effort to desensitize children to the homosexual agenda, Disney is releasing the "Talking Buddy" set this Christmas. "Let's take this friendship to another level," says Woody (that name is already enough to make a Christian parent flinch). Even more disturbing is that each character comes with a removable shirt. Do you want to see your conservative child playing with topless toys under the Christmas Tree? Look to landoverebaptist.org for updates as we petition Congress to put an R rating on Toy Story 3 before it is released next year.*

3. Scientific Explorer's Mind Blowing

Science Kit:

When will scientists learn that a Holy Bible and a box of chicken bones provides children with more knowledge and fun than any silly science kit they can ever come up with? This so-called, "kit," will have your child performing dangerous experiments that will make them question the existence of our omniscient God. The Mind Blowing Science Kit, at least does what it says it does - it blows a child's mind wide open! An open mind is the Devil's Playground - susceptible to demonic spirits! Atheist liberals sell these kits to promote "rational thought." Well, as any True Christian™ will tell you, there is NOTHING rational about Evolution and science. Children who are exposed to this kit will one day die and go to Hell, where they will have all the time in the world to use "rational thought" to figure out why they are being burned alive in a lake of fire while being sodomized by demons for all eternity!

4. Radio Flyer Little Red Roadster:

The beloved, innocent toy of our Christian youth has been retrofitted and redesigned by sodomites to resemble a drooping, semi-aroused red penis! Is there no shame left in this world? How a Godly little red wagon turned into a symbol for Gay rights, and passes unnoticed to even the most conservative family is beyond the Christian imagination! Who wants to see their Baptist child giggling in glee as they ride a mockery of Americana down a public sidewalk in open support of the Homosexual Agenda? While conservatives sleep and do nothing, gays are actively taking over everything we hold dear! And that includes the Radio Flyer Association™! So, even if you want to purchase an old-fashioned flyer that doesn't look like an engorged penis, your money will most certainly go to helping place homosexual teachers in your local elementary school!

5. Barack Obama: Son of Promise,

Child of Hope Book:

We're all for Black people feeling better about themselves, and what better way to raise a colored child to grow up to be a waiter who doesn't spit in your food, or a sanitation worker who doesn't spill your garbage on the curb. This book could have accomplished that, but since it was written by an angry, liberal racist, it is "Pro Obama." Which means that any child who reads it will grow up to become a person who spits on American values and spills the hard earned cash of decent, God-fearing Americans onto the gravel and dirt driveways of the lazy and incompetent! It has NO place in a Christian home!

1. Little Dora (All Dora Products Banned Until Further Notice!):

The Little Dora character was cooked up a few years ago by liberals as a tool "to force conservative children into questioning their racial identity and Christian heritage." This year, Dora looks more "Oriental." A modification obviously made so that children who play with her, will be more accepting of President Obama's loose policies toward Japan and China. Children who are exposed to Little Dora, will grow up to be the next generation of liberal adults who embrace a world currency and help destroy America by toppling the United States' status as the world's most powerful nation. If you love your child, and you love America, please keep them away from Little Dora and any of her related products, including the Fisher Price Dora Kitchen set (an underhanded attempt to target the conservative female child demographic).

7. Jump Start the Gay Lifestyle Trampoline for Boys:

When homosexuals were asked to share their earliest memory about choosing to be gay, 87% of them started their story by saying, "Well, my earliest memory was playing on a trampoline as a young boy." And as such, we acknowledge that the use of a trampoline by a male child, is one of the leading causes of homosexuality! And now gay toy designers openly attack conservative Christians by not only creating a triangular trampoline (designed to mock the Holy Trinity) but to add insult to injury, they paint it in the colors of a rainbow! A sacred symbol the Homosexuals stole from God, who gave it to Noah as a promise He would forever stop killing people (except for Asians) by drowning! This toy has NO place in a Christian home!