FLINT, MI—Emitting a long groan as he steadied himself at his podium, an extremely bloated, rotund Bernie Sanders revealed during Sunday night’s Democratic debate that he had finished drinking Flint’s entire water supply. “I promise the people of Flint that you’ll never have to worry about toxic lead in your drinking water ever again,” said the swollen Vermont senator, grimacing as water audibly sloshed around inside his bulging stomach after he shifted his weight slightly. “It’s been entirely taken care of. Clean water is—oh, urgggh, gah—a human right, and, oh God, no.” At press time, several aides abandoned an attempt to roll Sanders off the stage after the wooden floorboards collapsed under the candidate’s massive body.

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