Teenagers drinking cask wine in Hyde Park say they are “stunned but overjoyed” at news that they have been voted this year’s most happening Sydney venue by Time-Life magazine, following the introduction of new liquor licencing restrictions by the Liberal Government. The laws, designed to reduce violent incidents occurring at 10pm by locking customers out of bars at 3am, have so far received a mixed response from the public, despite their apparent success at keeping both violent thugs and the rest of the general public away from Sydney’s infamous cultural precincts.

“By shutting the doors of pubs and clubs, we are cutting off the supply of violence-causing intoxicants at the source,” announced Deputy Premier Andrew Stoner at the policy launch last week. “Everybody knows it’s impossible to find mind-altering substances out on the open streets of Kings Cross late at night.”

However, the government has since been forced into damage control over the new policy, following an uncharacteristically vocal backlash from social media. “Frankly I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” responded the Premier today on Kiss FM. “You kids are still free to dance the night away with juice and water, and our predictions see no drop in the amount of jiving and boogying for all you groovy young hipcats. I guarantee Sydney will remain the most bee-boppin city in all of Australia for years to come.”

The government has also been forced to clarify their position on why select organisations such as Casinos have been exempted from the trading restrictions. “This is about penalizing irresponsible drinkers who don’t think about the consequences of their actions, not responsible drinkers like drunken gamblers,” said a government spokesman. “Obviously only the most responsible of people would be drinking and gambling at a casino at 4 o’clock in the morning, and we’ve got a study funded by James Packer himself to back it up.”

A member of a roving gang of street thugs was approached on Kings Cross for comment in relation to this piece. Our thoughts go out to the reporter’s family.