LOS ANGELES—Declaring this year’s awards-show-related crime wave among the worst in decades, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that the headless, handless body of Ethan Hawke was found dumped in Laurel Canyon, a crime consistent in its motive and its violence with the 2019 Oscar race. “Unfortunately, the brutal, harrowing killing of the man who put in such a riveting, harrowing appearance in First Reformed aligns completely with the violent crime surge that tends to build as we approach awards season, and Oscar-related torture–murders are certainly no exception,” said LAPD officer Aaron Lopez, who noted that while Hawke’s murder was still under investigation, any list of suspects had to include fellow Oscar acting frontrunners Bradley Cooper for his complex turn in A Star Is Born, Hugh Jackman for an under-the-radar virtuoso showing in The Frontrunner, and much-beloved but perennial Oscar also-ran Robert Redford for his swan song performance in The Old Man And The Gun. “Competition is pretty steep this year, so it’s likely this is only the first killing of many. We have officers staking out every major nightclub, restaurant, and screening room to try and prevent further loss of potential-nominee life, but unfortunately, there’s only so much we can do this time of year except speculate. It’s dangerous out there.” Officer Lopez was forced to cut his interview short as he was called away following the discovery of over a dozen corpses in a Sherman Oaks mansion, which, at press time, were believed to be the entire cast of probable Best Picture nominee Boy Erased.

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