And I don't have to tell you what that means. Unless you're one of those young people, in which case I do have to tell you, but I'm sure you won't listen to it, unless I do it in a text, or a sext, or a sex-pinterest, or whatever.

It means this. It means we conservatives are losing control of the youth. Because the younglings don't share our fundamental values. According to recent polls, 63% of these punks support gay marriage!

And 31% of them doubt the existence of God! Probably, that poll was taken after they saw their student loan statement.

Folks, this is infuriating. As a parent, I expect my children to act and think exactly as I do. And for a while they did. But then they turned three and stopped having tantrums and vomiting on themselves.

Thankfully, someone has finally found a way to bring our kids back into the conservative fold, and it brings us to tonight's Wørd: On The Straight & Narrow-Minded.

Folks, I've said it since Day One on this show. The minds of our young people are being poisoned by knowledge. And the source of this toxic cerebral sludge is our schools. They fill our kids' heads with dangerous concepts, like evolution and P.E. (Man Did Not Evolve From Monkeybars!)

Now, happily, there is one bright spot in education: Texas, the Large Hadron Collider of denying science. (All God, No Particle)

Now folks, I have long praised the Texas Board of Education for their valiant work rewriting our nation's history textbooks. (12th President: BBQ Ribs) But now, I believe they've got some stiff competition from the Texas GOP, who recently put a plank in their 2012 party platform regarding children's education that says, and I quote, "We oppose the teaching of... critical thinking skills."

Amen, brother! For too long, we have blindly accepted the idea of not blindly accepting ideas. And you know who I blame? (Usually The Dog) I blame Galileo. What a jagoff! I mean, for centuries, we had a perfectly good explanation for the order of the universe. Bible says the Sun goes around the Earth, making us the center of the universe. (And All Animals Fit On One Boat) And you know what? Everyone was happy. But then numbnuts over here gets a telescope for Christmas, uses his precious critical thinking skills, and suddenly the Earth goes around the Sun, blah blah blah, now we have lesbians. (So It's Not All Bad) (audience laughter and applause)

But folks, I'm here to tell you... I'm here to tell you, now the Texas GOP is onto you, critical thinking skills. They know that you "have the purpose of challenging the student's fixed beliefs". And a good teacher's job is to maintain whatever fixed beliefs a student has when they enter first grade! (A Magical Sprite Buys Your Teeth)

Now frankly folks, I am embarrassed that we conservatives did not think of this sooner! I mean, we are fighting a culture war here, and we've been thinking too small! (Bad Case Of The Shrinky-Thinks)

I mean, sure. Sure, we've discredited the liberal activism of the '60s, and the socialist policies of the New Deal, and Wilsonian progressivism, and those damned zippered pantaloons.

Only a strumpet would need to disrobe with such haste! I say you wear a button-fly as God intended! By the time you get your pants off, you're probably married. (501 Blue Balls)

But folks, all of that... all of that is just child's play compared to the Texas GOP, who with this one plank of their platform, have called for the repeal of the Enlightenment. (Welcome To The "Endarkenment")

And, as if to illustrate what's possible once you are freed of the shackles of critical thinking, recently the Texas GOP, when asked about this position, explained that it was "an oversight" and "should not have included" the words "critical thinking skills".

Now, when they were drafting the platform, somebody had to say, "no critical thinking skills". Somebody else had to type those words. And then the Texas GOP had to approve those words. Do you really think that would have been possible if anyone had been thinking critically? But thank God no one was. And, if they get their way, no one will be. (On The Straight & Narrow-Minded) And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.