We’re in safe hands. A two-to-one majority of Conservative members who will choose our next prime minister would be willing to accept “significant economic damage” to secure Brexit. Even more, would accept a break-up of the UK.

I expect 85 per cent would be happy to “have the house filled with fox s***, even the fridge, and the cupboard full of broken board games and the coffee pot if it ensured Brexit”. Seventy-nine per cent “would be prepared to hand their children to a trafficking gang for up to nine years” if it meant we definitely left the EU on 31 October, because sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.

We might be crawling through the woods eating maggots, but at least we’ll know the EU can’t tell us they have to be less wriggly or we can’t call them maggots.

It looks like they’re getting the leader they want. So within his first three weeks Boris Johnson will take us out with no deal, Scotland will be placed under UN control, Bedfordshire will become a disputed territory with Nato imposing a buffer zone that stretches to Kettering, the Lake District will be part of Morocco, Northern Ireland will declare war on the Dalai Lama, and the coast of Essex will be governed by the Church of England Caliphate of Clacton, peace be upon it – and he’ll have a 98 per cent approval rating from his party.

Some of us will reassure ourselves that many Tory MPs are violently opposed to him, but they’ll issue statements that start: “I’m aware I pledged if Boris Johnson becomes leader I would become a suicide bomber to blow him up, and let the remains of his floppy hair scattered across my charred body be a lasting epitaph for this holy act; but upon consideration, I believe he’s an excellent leader and I’m delighted to serve under him as junior minister for kiwi fruits.”

Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Show all 9 1 /9 Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Boris Johnson Former foreign secretary Boris Johnson has long been hopeful, he previously stood in the leadership contest that followed the Brexit vote and has at many times since been thought to be maneuvering himself towards the goal. He remains a darling of the party's right wing, particularly those in the ERG, and is the most popular choice among Tory voters but his leadership bid would be fiercely opposed by many MPs PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Michael Gove Environment secretary Michael Gove is another member who has long wanted to be leader. He has lately been known for rousing his party in the commons, his recent speeches on the Brexit deal and Labour's no confidence motion have overshadowed the Prime Minister's. He has been loyal to the Prime Minister, partly to shed his reputation as a backstabber who abandoned Boris Johnson to stand against him in the 2016 leadership election Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Dominic Raab Former Brexit secretary Dominic Raab has emerged as a favourite to be the Brexiteer candidate in a contest to succeed to Ms May. He displayed a grip on detail in his role as Brexit secretary. When asked recently if he would like to become prime minister he replied "never say never" Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Rory Stewart International development secretary Rory Stewart is pitching himself as the sensible candidate, promising to rule out both a second referendum and a no-deal Brexit. He was only recently promoted to the cabinet, previously serving as prisons minister, where he caught headlines with a pledge to resign if he could not reduce levels of violence within a year PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Esther McVey The former work and pensions secretary announced that she will be standing for the leadership when May leaves. McVey is the first to explicitly state that she intends to stand. She resigned from the cabinet in protest over May's Brexit deal AFP/Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Sajid Javid Home secretary Sajid Javid is said to have a plan in place for a leadership race. He made headlines over Christmas when he declared that people smuggling over the English channel was a "major incident" and more recently when he revoked the citizenship of ISIS bride Shamima Begum. Son of a bus driver, he wants the Conservatives to be seen as the party of social mobility PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Jeremy Hunt Foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt was recently thought to be the favourite in the event of a leadership race as he could sell himself as the man to unite the party. Critics worry that his long stint as health secretary could return to haunt him at a general election. He has reportedly been holding meetings with Tory MPs over breakfast to promote his leadership PA Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Andrea Leadsom Following the Prime Minister's second defeat over her Brexit deal, Leader of the house Andrea Leadsom hosted a dinner party at which "leadership was the only topic of conversation", The Times heard. Leadsom ran against Theresa May in the 2016 leadership election before dropping out, allowing May to become Prime Minister AFP/Getty Who could succeed Theresa May as Conservative leader? Priti Patel Former international development secretary Priti Patel is thought to be positioning herself as a contender. One MP told The Independent "she knows she's from the right of the party, the part which is going to choose the next leader, so she's reminding everyone she's there." Patel left the government late in 2017 after it emerged that she had held undisclosed meetings with Israeli officials PA

Every morning he’ll announce his ideas for new projects, boasting, “Today I’m proud to inform you I’ve planned an escalator to Finland. We’ll start by using the existing excellent structure at Debenhams in Oxford Street, then as well as stopping at the first floor for kitchenware and light fittings, passengers will be able to stay on and go to Helsinki. Look, I’ve drawn it on this bit of cardboard in crayon.”

Rory Stewart claimed Johnson has offered city status for constituencies in return for support, but this will be denied by the MP for the city of Shropshire North, and by Sir Dorset, the county that has now been knighted for services to drink driving on country lanes.

Then he’ll sort out Brexit because the problem before was Theresa May was too soft. He’ll use the powerful weapon she was never prepared to employ – telling the EU that we’re BRITAIN so they can shove their regulations up their arse. Because we used to run Africa and Ceylon and all sorts.

This will work, but then the next day the mayor of the ancient city of Sparta will demand we hand over all our children as slaves, because they’re SPARTA and no one shoves them about, so we’ll have to give in.

He’s already proved how effective he is when facing up to obstinate world leaders. Because when he intervened in the case of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, jailed by the Iranian government for “spying” while in Iran on holiday, he told their officials she’d been teaching there which is the lie their government had claimed all along. They used this as evidence and she’s still in jail.

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So Johnson can try this approach with the EU. After his first summit he can announce: “I was extremely firm, as it was, errr, Emmanuel Macron who said we owe £80bn and I told him in no uncertain terms where to go. And now we owe £90bn and every woman from Kent has been sentenced to 20 years in a French jail. One of those things and all that.”

After this promising start, Johnson will run into trouble. However much we leave Europe, it won’t be enough, and he’ll start to wonder if the EU is really what’s making all his party members so angry.

Because even after the harshest no-deal Brexit, they will be in the audience of Question Time, yelling: “I’d spent all my life bitter about some issue that’s probably to do with my parents thinking I’d failed them, and my sense of entitlement to an unattainable lifestyle, and I’ve constantly blamed this on external factors such as immigrants I never encounter and people on benefits and the EU. And now I’ve got everything I wanted and I’m still not happy, SORT IT OUT JOHNSON.”

But there’s an advantage to our probably next prime minister as he’s not tied to any ideology, which is why he pondered over whether to support leaving the EU or remaining in it, according to which would improve his position among Conservative members. For an extra boost, he said Muslim women looked like letterboxes.

He’ll say anything if he thinks it will push his ratings up, so we can get him to do whatever we want. Every Muslim in Britain could join the Conservative Party, then he’d say “Right, yes, as-salam alaikum if you will, always loved a letterbox, my favourite street furniture.”