As Muslims, we go through life aimlessly, mistakenly thinking there’s nothing wrong with our religion. We defend Islam when people criticize it, but in reality, being Muslim is kind of a problem for a bunch of reasons:

1. We can never set our priorities straight

It’s hard for us to find enough time in the day to fulfill our responsibilities and accomplish all of our hidden agendas. Is twenty-four hours really enough time to cook dinner for the family, craft a homemade bomb, and implement marketing strategies for ISIS’s social media pages? I don’t think so.

2. We hate everyone

Hating Jews, Christians, and puppies gets exhausting after a while. I mean, if a Jewish girl comes up to me and tells me she likes my shoes, I won’t hesitate to list all of Judaism’s faults right in front of her. (This is partly because Islam says “you must hate everyone” and partly because I’m trying to convert all non-Muslims.)

3. It’s hard being uncultured

Gee, I wish I knew how the Western world worked! But I never will, since I’m holed up in my room all day watching conservative Arab news channels. What does “liberal” even mean? The only words I know are radical and falafel.

4. We‘re oppressed

Did you know: every single hijabi woman dedicates 11.5 minutes of each day to crying about how she is forced against her will to wear a hijab. It’s hard when you have to shower, sleep, and get your hair cut with the thing on.

5. Sharia Law is kinda complicated

I spend 20 out of 24 hours a day brainstorming how I can successfully impose Sharia Law on the rest of the world, and the other 4 hours meeting with my local Muslim community to make these ideas reality.

6. Terrorism is our friend

Most of the time my friends ask me to hang out, I say “can’t, I have work.” And what I mean by ‘work’ is, of course, the Terrorism 101 course I’ve been taking at my local mosque. That bomb in a dumpster you heard about on CNN? That’s what I was up to when I was at “work”.

7. It gets expensive

I’m not just talking about the daily trips to the Arabic market to get halal food to feed my small family of nineteen. Having so much hate and anger in your heart gets expensive, especially when you have to hire a lawyer because they accused the wrong Mohamed.

8. We’re pretty violent

I wish I could control my anger and predisposition towards violence but it’s just part of me. I mean, I can’t even sit in my art class without shouting, “Wrong!” after every single thing the teacher says and then claiming that art is haram.

9. Because I love America

In case you haven’t heard (thanks, Trump), Islam isn’t compatible with American values or even America itself. Since I have to choose one or the other, I choose Islam — see ya later, America!

10. We play the victim

We Muslims constantly complain that people try to tarnish the name of our religion and stereotype us. The truth is, that’s fake news and we’re just a bunch of crybabies. The media has said nothing but nice things about Islam since 9/11 and even goes out of its way to talk about how nice Islam is, even citing the passages from the Qur’an that say to love your neighbor.