At a Glance: Remember that part at the end of "Boogie Nights" when Marky Mark stood staring at his giant fake dong in the mirror? What if he had two of those fake dongs? And what if they were fused to his hands? And what if they ejaculated giant fountains of liquid? Well, then "Boogie Nights" would have been "Edward Penishands" and in my estimation a much finer movie for it. I admire the work of Paul Thomas Anderson, but he just can't hold a candle to a Johnny Depp look-alike with dick hands stalking around a house with oversized Trident gum labels on the wall and spraying corn syrup all over mega-haired early nineties porn starlets.

"Bionic marital aids! Now why didn't I think of that?"

The porn industry has a notorious penchant for parodying Hollywood blockbusters. This practice gives porn directors a ready-made plot that they usually ignore entirely and provides them with a marketable title that might attract that little extra bit of attention sitting next to "Filthy Chode Gulping Grannies Volume 75" on the shelf of the video store. One of the most legendary parodies of the early 90s is "Edward Penishands," a conceptually amusing takeoff of the Tim Burton hit "Edward Scissorhands." Unlike most porn parodies Edward Penishands actually puts some degree of effort into following the plot of the original movie.

The movie begins with a well-dressed businesswoman named Patricia walking around the poorly-lit interior of a warehouse that is supposed to be a castle. She is there trying to unload some marital aids on the bats and empty suits of armor that generally inhabit grainy matte photos of a castle. Instead she finds a half-mute bewigged Edward in the attic gingerly cradling his penis hands, forgotten by a world that has no use for a man with arms that terminate in a giant drape-ruining finger.

Patricia is not as closed minded as the rest of the world and she eagerly embraces Edward. A bit too eagerly in my estimation. If someone's only usable digit was a perpetually erect penis would you immediately plunge it into your mouth? Patricia does and she has no idea where those things have been! He can't even turn on a faucet with them, but there she goes suctioning off the collection of dirt, food, and dry leaves that have probably encrusted Edward's cockhands. Patricia spends a long time putting all of Edward's most private appendages through the paces before finishing up with a three gun salute that could wash out a levy somewhere.

Following their handshake deal Patricia invites the lonely Edward to accompany her back to her house. The prospect of escaping the warehouse/castle is appealing and Edward agrees by screwing up his face and saying "yes" in a robotic monotone. At least they got the Johnny Depp acting technique down exactly! I kid, I kid. I love Depp. He was great as that pirate woman in "Pirates of the Caribbean."

Susanne and chum unleash hell.

Patricia takes Edward back to her house, which has a mysteriously high ceiling and an even more mysterious comically oversized Trident gum wrapper on the living room wall. Edward pays no heed to the interesting décor and homes in on a portrait photo of Patricia's mega-maned daughter Susanne.

Meanwhile, Susanne and her friend have discovered Patricia's trunk full of marital aids in a room that looks like the inside of a Pepto Bismol bottle. Like any 30-year-old women pretending to be teenagers they immediately begin stuffing themselves and each other full of dildos. Actually before they get to the dildo fencing they attack themselves, which leads to a dream-like ten minute long loop of them licking their lips and moaning. Keep in mind this movie was made back in 1990 when each video camera used cassettes made out of diamonds and platinum. Having multiple coverage with cameras wasn't made economically feasible until 1998.

With Susanne and friend wrapping things up in the mauve bedroom Edward stares thoughtfully into the bathroom mirror. He ponders what I assume is the woman who created him and then got old and then died leaving him all alone in the castle/warehouse. Edward remains lost in thought as Susanne rushes around trying to replace all the dildos in the suitcase so Patricia doesn't catch her. She spots a dildo lying on the counter in the bathroom and grabs it to put it back in the suitcase only to realize it's one of Edward's horrifying dickhands! Edward and Susanne both react with delightfully exaggerated horror. Patricia then introduces her daughter and her husband to their new house guest.

This segues into the best scene in the movie. The whole family is gathered around the dinner table enjoying a hot meal of spaghetti. Edward, having no fine-motor control of his penishands, is having more than a little difficulty scooping noodles into his mouth. This amuses Susanne's father and grosses out Susanne until she leaves the table in disgust. Patricia scolds them both for being mean to poor Edward.

Chef Boyardee is gyrating his hips in his grave.

Guests arrive to buy dildos from Patricia but when they spot Edward they decided to borrow him instead. Much to Patricia's chagrin the two ladies drag Edward off to some sort of tiled bathroom right outside the front door and put him to use as a genital scratching pole. Proving that penishanded automatons are colorblind Edward robotically plunges his digital throbbers into the black and white woman simultaneously. Several minutes of thrashing and grunting later and he bastes them both with the fruit of his forearms.

While Edward is away Patricia has sex with her husband on the kitchen table but honestly who cares? We're not here to see some monotonous by-the-numbers sex. By God, we came for dickhands!

Later that night Edward is back at home sitting on his bed. In one of the most bizarrely homoerotic scenes in film history Edward uses his penishands to masturbate his real penis while looking at the portrait of Susanne. Just as his hands are fountaining into the air Susanne enters the bedroom and is obviously disgusted. Edward flees in the sort of terror that only a man caught ejaculating from his hands by the woman he loves can truly know.

Susanne realizes that he was ejaculating over HER and tastes some of his leavings and suddenly everything is great and she loves him. I would like Susanne to write Judge Atwater a letter about that experience because I think it might help me beat this indecent exposure charge. If only my next door neighbor had the common courtesy to lick my semen off her window she might have realized the profundity of my love and reciprocated.

Edward reflects on his past. The symbolism is subtle.

Anyway, Susanne follows Edward to his castle/warehouse. She asks him to hold her and he warns "I cant, I'll squirt." Susanne cares not, for her love transcends the bounds of squirting. She embraces Edward and in slow motion she begins spinning beneath the ceaseless eruptions from his dickhands. Romantic music plays and it is all very touching. Then, somewhere else in the castle where clothing is optional, she tends to Edward's non-hand penis. Love really does conquer all.

The Horror: I would like to be able to say that the scene where Edward uses his penishands to masturbate wins out, but it doesn't. The horror award in this movie easily goes to the spaghetti dinner scene. Nothing in the movie is more grotesque than eating food, especially something like spaghetti, with cockhands. On a somewhat related note, this scene is also the winner in the "best" and "funniest" categories.

The Bottom Line: Edward Penishands is more than just a surreal parody of a Hollywood blockbuster; it's also an entertaining time capsule of early 1990's porn. The hair, the production values, even the women themselves are at a perfect intermediary point. They're caught between the chubby, overly hairy, slightly unattractive eagerness of the 1980's and the slimmed, shaved, surgically sculpted, white washed wooden professionalism of late 90's and contemporary porn. Can you imagine a modern multi-angle gonzo POV porno that has a set with giant Trident gum wrappers on the wall? Me neither.