Dear My Ex-Girlfriend is a Murderer,

I met this girl at the mall She gave me her number and met up to spend the night at my apartment later that week. She queefed in my face during the ensuing 69. Am I wrong for finding this rude on the first date?

Signed,

Lonely in the Barracks

Dear Lonely in the Barracks,

Dude, did you blow in it? Seriously, did you? Were you the Big Bad Wolf and her pussy was a straw house? Because that’s how you get queefs…

Now that the humor is out of the way, let’s get to the heart of your question. Was it rude? Lord no, son, that glorious sound is the beckoning call of opportunity! In order to truly understand the gift that you received, I feel that we need to have a little history lesson.

Queefing, as it is so rudely referred to today, has been around since the dawn of time. As you can imagine, queefing has been around since women have had vaginas. The Romans referred to it as spiritus vitae, which means “spirit (or breath) of life”. You see, what these early people understood was that this musty fog emanating from the fairer sex’s swampy nether regions was a useful diagnostic tool in treating illnesses. I bet you didn’t know that the term “gynecologist” loosely translates to “queef sniffer”. It really was quite simple. All that an early gynecologist needed in his medical bag was a set of bellows. You just fill that puppy full of air, and inhale. You could diagnose a variety of diseases this way. If there was a distinct vinegar smell, it was most likely a kidney infection; if there was a star anise scent, it meant a bad gallbladder. If she shit on your face, it was dementia. Consequently, most gynecologists of the day had a short lifespan, generally succumbing to conjunctivitis. Fortunately for them, the need for this type of examination waned as culture and medicine advanced.

Although no longer used as a diagnostic tool, the story of the spiritus vitae does not stop here. If you peruse ancient texts, you will find references from all corners of the Earth.

The Chinese have a word for it that loosely translates to “smelly kazoo”. This refers to the sound that a Chinese vagina makes. You know that sound that a balloon makes when you pinch the end and let the air hiss out? That’s the sound. As you may have heard, the physiology of a Chinese woman is different because the labia majora and labia minora are oriented (not a pun) horizontally, vice vertically in Anglo-Saxon descendants. This causes that shrill tone. According to the writings of Marco Polo, the higher the tone, the more honor that was bestowed upon the family. If you look at ancient Scottish writings, you will find that the most prized bagpipes were made out of the vaginas of the village’s renowned neach-gairm chaorachs, or “sheep callers”. These shamans of old were able to let out a screeching, bleating sound that could be heard for miles in the highlands. If you had a particularly rowdy herd that had gotten loose, you could call upon a neach-gairm chaorach to calm the herd and bring them back to safety. After death, as a form of respect, their vaginas were dried, and made into some of the sweetest sounding bagpipes you have ever heard. If you want a more recent reference, here’s a little bit of trivia to impress your friends. Are you familiar with the famous buzzer sound that you usually hear in basketball games to signal the end of a quarter? That’s actually the sound of a queef played backwards at half speed, mixed with the mating call of a hyena.

By now, I hope you have a little more respect for this act that you so shamefully called rude. Now, this is the point where I tell you that you probably deserved what you got. I’m guessing you got to your place and got to fooling around, and you blurted out, “Hey baby, let’s do some kinky shit. Wanna 69?”, followed by pre-pubescent giggling. You didn’t notice her roll her eyes. Also, in my head, it is Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray saying all of this. When some guy tells me that he likes to 69, I hear, “I like to eat pussy upside down with a hundred pounds on my chest.” That’s probably what she heard, and she figured that this is the only way you would go down on her and she could get by with only halfway sucking your dick while she feigns pleasure. By insisting on this asinine method of foreplay, you’ve already doomed yourself. See, it’s simple anatomy. If you’re doing a halfway decent job, your mouth is on her little pleasure nugget, and that puts your nostrils where? Yep, right in the pussy. You’re wearing that thing like a CPAP machine, and just pumping it full of air with every breath. Did you expect something different? Did you expect her to burp?

If I am completely wrong about this, and she is just a natural queefer, then you may have hit the jackpot. You can take her to sporting events and use her as a t-shirt launcher. Tires low? Save your precious quarters. Thinking about buying a leaf blower? No need. Large party? Lots of balloons? Save your breath. The possibilities are endless here.

In the future, if you insist on eating pussy with a weight on your chest, do it right, and just have her sit on your face. At least your anatomy lines up so that her shithole isn’t between your eyes. If you’re good, you can position your chin in those lips to get a good seal. When she dismounts, it should make a burping sound like fresh Tupperware.

Sincerely,

My Ex-Girlfriend is a Murderer