Walnut Creek’s Carol Lynn Pearson had high hopes when she married. Raised in the Mormon church, Pearson thought her marriage would bring children, happiness and love. Gut-wrenching sadness was not what she imagined.

She knew during her engagement that her fiance was attracted to men, but she thought he would change. Four children and 12 years later, she admitted defeat. Pearson and her husband divorced, and even though the couple remained good friends until his death in 1984, their family was torn apart.

The relationship between the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its homosexual members is fractured, complex and rarely discussed. The ongoing legal battle over Proposition 8, the ban on same-sex marriage, is forcing the wedge deeper and magnifying the gay-rights controversies in the church.

Pearson, now 71, believes in her religion, but also believes in full acceptance of gays. She says misunderstanding and secrecy in the church have exacerbated relations, especially in Latter-day Saints families that have gay members.

Often, gay Mormons try to become straight in hopes of remaining in the church, but with limited success, says Ben Jarvis, an urban planner from San Mateo who now lives in Los Angeles, and who grew up in the church. Like most Mormons, he’s proud of his background. What makes him less common is that he’s gay.

“Mormonism isn’t just a religion, it’s a culture; it’s my family, it’s my roots, it’s my identity,” says Jarvis, 42. He traces his family back seven generations to the beginning of Mormonism. He says he is Mormon but not LDS — and there is a big distinction between the two.

While both are the same religion, some people use “Mormon” to describe the culture and background, and “LDS” to describe active church membership. Jarvis quit the church in early adulthood because he could not reconcile it with his homosexuality.

“The church has no power to tell me that I can’t be Mormon or that I have to give up my pioneer background,” Jarvis says. “I went on a mission and did all the Mormon rites of passage.”

Gay members are part of the Mormon church, but there is a critical distinction that determines how they’re treated. Celibate gays are allowed almost every right as straight Mormons, whereas sexually active gays have few rights, are viewed harshly and can be excommunicated. Gay sex acts are viewed by the church as an abomination, but gays can repent for them.

The consequences for homosexual acts largely depend on the bishop and stake president in a particular area (“stake” is an organizational term used to describe a cluster of LDS churches, individually called “wards”). A permissive bishop and stake president are more tolerant.

“As the church has aligned itself with the Republicans and the hard right, it’s become impossible to be gay, even celibate, and truly be part of the church,” Jarvis says.

The church doesn’t use the term gay or homosexual. Instead, most Mormons feel that everyone is born straight and that some suffer from “same-sex attraction,” or SSA. The church goes to great efforts to dissuade people from SSA.

LDS beliefs and practices are challenging for gay and transgender members, said Richley Crapo, a straight Mormon and anthropology professor at Utah State University.

In a paper called “Latter-day Saint Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered Spirituality,” Crapo writes that there is pressure to remain closeted.

“This results in considerable social isolation and personal cognitive dissonance,” Crapo adds. “Although some gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender members adapt to these problems and remain engaged in the LDS church, the most common outcome for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons is eventually either disaffiliation with the church without maintaining a personal spirituality or, less commonly, finding a new, friendlier denomination.”

Staying in the LDS church requires self oppression, as there is “tremendous pressure” to become straight in the church, says Steve Curtis, a 30-year-old business analyst who lives in Dublin. He was an active Mormon but gave up the church when he could not balance his religion and homosexuality.

“The pressure is built into the culture and the lessons taught at all levels of the church,” Curtis says. “(Homosexuality) is called a sin, it is unnatural, an abomination and a host of other condescending expletives.”

Some gays, however, feel the LDS church does have a place for them. A 42-year-old San Leandro man who was a sexually active homosexual until 13 years ago converted to Mormonism 11 years ago and said the church gave him the strength to abandon homosexual acts forever. He asked that his name not be published to protect his privacy within the church.

The former mortgage loan officer is on disability due to AIDS-related illness and goes to church every Sunday. His roommate is his former boyfriend, who also asked that his name be withheld. They are no longer intimate, and the loan officer calls his roommate his “brother in the gospel of Jesus Christ.” Both attend the Oakland LDS temple frequently. Strict ordinances must be followed to worship in the temple, and they say they are upholding those standards.

The San Leandro man says he was inspired to join the LDS Church through seeing the “peace and unconditional love” his ex-boyfriend received there.

“I am a Mormon 100 percent,” he says. “I no longer struggle with SSA. (My roommate) and I never want to defile our bodies again. I abhor that lifestyle.”

He said loves the LDS church, but sees flaws.

“The Mormon church is very homophobic to this day everywhere within the church,” he says. “Some places are better than others, but I have faced discrimination from my own ward by the young married couples in the church. There is a tremendous amount of ignorance when it comes to SSA or having gays in church. I do not label myself as gay or with SSA. I am child of God, period.”

He says most Mormons he knows treat gays with respect and relations are getting better. He also says he has an “awesome” bishop and stake president who support him. And while he wants the church to be kind to gay people, he does not mince words when speaking of proponents of same-sex marriage.

“(Homosexuals) already have federal and state rights (that are) equal to marriage, yet they want to rape our word of marriage with their stains of immorality,” he says. “God will not be mocked.”

There is passion on both sides of the conversation. In October of 2010, the Human Rights Campaign sent the church a petition of 150,000 signatures calling for the church to denounce statements about homosexuality that the HRC found insulting (such as calling it ‘impure and unnatural’) and for church groups to stop trying to make gay people straight. A church spokesperson responded the same month saying that while any sexual activity outside of marriage is “wrong,” that should “never, ever be used as justification for unkindness.”

The LDS statement continued, “Further, while the Church is strongly on the record as opposing same-sex marriage, it has openly supported other rights for gays and lesbians such as protections in housing or employment.”

And two months later, the church invited leading gay activists to its Christmas concert. Several attended. The church has become more open in another way:

Some church leaders used to pressure gay people to marry heterosexually, but that has changed. Gays receive support if they want to become straight, but if they can’t, they’re asked to remain single and celibate. Many question whether preventing the highest honor of being Mormon — being sealed in marriage — is discrimination.

Not so, according to Elder Dallin Oaks, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and Elder Lance Wickman, a member of the Seventy (most adult male members of the church are called elder, but being an apostle or a member of the Seventy are elite LDS roles).

The church does not allow its decision makers to be interviewed about their views on homosexuality. Instead, church spokeswoman Kim Farah points reporters to an online interview with Oaks and Wickman.

In the interview, Oaks says, “It is sometimes said that God could not discriminate against individuals in this circumstance (marriage). But life is full of physical infirmities that some might see as discriminations — total paralysis or serious mental impairment being two that are relevant to marriage. If we believe in God and believe in his mercy and his justice, it won’t do to say that these are discriminations, because God wouldn’t discriminate.”

Wickman adds, “There’s really no question that there is an anguish associated with the inability to marry in this life. We feel for someone that has that anguish. I feel for somebody that has that anguish. But it’s not limited to someone who has same-gender attraction.”

The elders say celibate gays (including those who used to be sexually active but who have repented) can hold almost every position in the church, except for bishop, which requires marriage.

Oaks and Wickman say parents should be loving to homosexual children, but also caution that “fornication, adultery, and homosexual and lesbian behavior is sinful. Those who persist in such practices or influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline.”

On bringing a partner home to visit, Oaks says that’s an individual decision. “I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that,” Oaks says.

“I can also imagine some circumstances in which it might be possible to say, ‘Yes, come, but don’t expect to stay overnight,’ ” he adds. ” ‘Don’t expect to be a lengthy house guest. Don’t expect us to take you out and introduce you to our friends, or to deal with you in a public situation that would imply our approval of your ‘partnership.’ “

Such behavior is homophobic, according to James Kent, a gay San Francisco man who was raised Mormon. Kent believes the church is among the most homophobic of all Christian religions, but says there are pockets that are more accepting. Kent went on a church mission to Japan, held several church callings and pretended to be straight until he turned 30 in 1988.

He was attending church in Fremont when a friend suggested he attend a San Francisco meeting for gay people who have Mormon roots.

“I can still remember walking up those stairs, opening the door, and seeing 31 gay and lesbian people with LDS backgrounds,” Kent says. “I discovered for the first time in my life that I was not alone — that there were other people like me.”

Walnut Creek’s Pearson says misunderstanding between the church and gays leads to family and church divisions. Pearson has written several books about homosexuality and the church, and started a site called www.propositionhealing, which spurs dialogue between gays and church leaders. She hosts dinner discussion groups with Bay Area current and former Mormons, and suggests that divergent groups break bread together and talk.

This work is essential, she believes, especially as the Proposition 8 controversy continues through the courts and in the hearts and minds of Bay Area residents.