This is a work of satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you at any point feel offended, you need to grow a pair. I go after some bitches as well who will go unnamed, and I’m not saying to grow a pair of testicles but you have a perfectly working pair of tits to compensate. If you think this is a representation of reality and try to sue me, you are a fucking idiot. Yes, you Justin Bieber, Rick “Squirts in the Butt” Santorum, Donald Trump, and Phil Robertson among others, are indeed white trash fucking idiots. Kanye West and Chris Brown are tiggers. Kevin Hart is still a boss. Enjoy.

Chapter I

Dick Along

Justin Bieber was feeling pretty good. Sure he had been arrested, but he was Justin darling Bieber. Justin Darling Bieber! His parents had given him the middle name Darling because the doctors asked his mother, “What is his name?” and she said, “Just one darling,” before she passed out. She meant to say, “Just one darling daughter would have been nice.” So when he was growing up, she would make him wear dresses and call him Justine.

Yeah, he was Justin Darling Bieber, bitch. Who the hell are you? Nobody was going to keep this pimp train down. He was going to get out and snort crack out some cougars’ asses. Selena Gomez was SO 2012, girlfriend. He was a growing boy. He had needs. And he needed someone with meat on their bones.

Maybe he would go see Amanda Bynes. She was getting pretty cray cray these days. She would give him the best blowjob of his life or just bite it off.

Bite it off? That wasn’t going to happen. He remembered his first time with Selena Gomez, that she thought it was a clitoris, and almost dumped him because she thought that Justin Bieber was a lesbian woman trying to get some action. It was times like those that made Justin wish his parents hadn’t cut off his umbilical cord. Then he could at least pretend to have a giant penis.

Selena had a hard time finding the different areas of the penis to suck on and pleasure, because clearly good old-fashioned coitus was out of the equation. What Justin Darling Bieber really liked was being called Justine. It got him hot, although if you were looking at him in the throes of orgasm, you’d think you were seeing a little girl trying to starve herself.

So let’s recap. Justin Darling Bieber was going to get out and see that freak Amanda Bynes. Miley Cyrus was too manly for him. After seeing that Wrecking Ball video, he knew it would be too weird having sex with someone that could beat the shit out of his Justine ass.

An officer stopped in front of his cell. “You have a visitor,” he said, and then Kevin Hart stepped forward. The officer opened the bars and let Kevin in, and then shut them in together.

You could tell Kevin had a massive frame for such a little guy. Justin always admired that about Kevin. Justin wished he could be as muscular as Kevin Hart, and since he had been arrested, he had been disappointed there were no weights in this prison. No weights and being locked up behind bars. What’s next, were they going to rape him?

“Sup, little man,” Kevin said.

“Oh hey little man,” Justin said.

“What you thinkin, getting into this shit? Man, you need to have some sense dog.”

“If you didn’t come to bail me out, then piss off.”

“I’m here trying to give you some advice, and you’re being a little shithead about it. All I’m trying to do is make sure you don’t do this again.”

“Don’t call me little!” Justin said. Justin Darling Bieber hated being called little. It reminded him of how Selena Gomez laughed at him during their first time. And when his mother called him Justine, it reminded him of how he would be jealous of her giant breasts and he would do all the chores around the house to earn a bigger allowance so he could get breast implants. Alas, that day never came. Alas.

“Relax bro,” Kevin said. “I get called little all the time, and you don’t see me being a whiny little bitch about it. Man, shitting your pants over this is like going to see Amanda Bynes.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Oh shit, you were actually thinking of seeing Amanda Bynes weren’t you?”

“I need some fun, Kev. I’m tired of inviting all these little girls over at my pad for gummy bear and sour worm parties. What the hell is this shit? I’m a man. I have needs. I need something fun.”

“Shit little man, just give me the word and I’ll take you someplace fun,” Kevin said. “Sometimes I like to plow my Kim Kardashian’s butt when Kanye is kitten huffing. I can hook you up with her sistas. Aight? At least they’re not crazy like Amanda Bynes. You don’t wanna get in the middle of those two. Can you imagine what Kanye’s penis looks like? It must be extremely chapped from getting covered in the disease from Kim’s vagina all the time.”

“Did you come to bail me out or not?”

“Naw man, I got to take care of myself. I don’t go around spending money all over the place like you do. Shit, you might get me into trouble.”

“Don’t go,” Justin begged. Kevin could almost see tears welling up in his eyes.

Kevin studied the boy. He was so small in that red jumpsuit. He wondered how such a scrawny kid that could pass for a young Donald Trump managed to get this much attention. He wondered at the sounds that Justin might have made in a maximum security prison, and he felt his big penis stiffening all over. He looked down at himself in embarrassment and hoped it wasn’t sticking out or anything. He felt he had a pretty big penis for being such a small guy. And he knew it was bigger than Justin Darling Bieber’s penis. It made him feel guilty too since he had been buggering the hell out of Selena Gomez on the side to satisfy her needs that Justin was physically incapable of doing. Kevin knew the score, bitches.

At least Selena didn’t scream like a bitch.

Justin took notice of Kevin’s hardening girth all over through his pants. It made him blush, and he had to look away. He didn’t want to be rude by staring or anything. He was trembling deep down, wondering what that thing could do to him.

“Don’t go.” Justin looked up at him

That was it. Kevin started beating his chest like Tarzan, the same way he would beat his colossal meat when alone and depressed, and swept Justin in a passionate embrace. Kevin smothered Justin’s mouth in a warm, loving kiss, and felt the boy squirm in his arms. After they parted mouths with a thin trail of spit between their tongues, Kevin wasted no time. He dropped his pants to reveal the biggest penis Justin had seen or would ever seen. It was ten inches wide, but what was even more astonishing was that it was thirty yards long, wrapped around his waist.

“Baby,” Justin said.

“I ain’t so little now huh, LITTLE MAN,” Kevin said to Justin. Kevin untied the ropes around his crotch, letting his amazing member fly freely. Justin had to move his head to avoid getting hit with it as the penis bounced all over the prison cell. The nappy pubic hair all over the massive member made Kevin’s penis look like a tentacle monster from a depraved Japanese hentai.

It was times like these that made Kevin wish he had brought a sailor schoolgirl outfit for his bitch to wear.

Justin only stared at it. His first thought wasn’t that he was going to be having gay sex for the first time or that it was with a black man, but how on earth they were going to have sex with each other. And especially how Kevin’s penis was going to taste. Can you imagine all that nappy hair causing so much friction in your mouth? I’ll tell you what. You don’t want to know, and I don’t know.

Justin started gently caressing it with his hand. It was so much bigger than Justin’s that the boy immediately grew jealous and resentful. He couldn’t stop feeling the smooth texture of the greatest penis in the world. Justin only wished his penis was this smooth and manly at the same time.

“I am not taking in the butt,” Justin said.

“Yeah, your little asshole wouldn’t be able to handle all that,” Kevin said. “That’s why I got a present for the prettiest lips in the world.”

“Awwww,” Justin said and blushed again. Justin was getting so horny. It made his lips so red and tender, that Kevin couldn’t resist. If Kevin had called him Justine then, he would have exploded all over the place.

Kevin shoved it in his mouth.

Kevin’s cock had a weird taste to it. It tasted like puke and condoms you’d find in the pool. Justin liked puking after he ate because he wanted to look even prettier than his girlfriend Selena Gomez. He did it so often that his gag reflex had gone away. So he had no problem taking in Kevin’s massive member, and the pukey taste of his penis actually made it kinda familiar. Justin was so fed up with puking out his mouth all the time to look pretty, it felt good to actually swallow that pukey taste with a lover who wouldn’t judge him for his body.

“You like that girl?” Kevin asked.

“Waffle, oofle, maffle,” Justin mmphed. Which translates to, “As long as you’re doing me, I sure hope you can afford to carry me over the Great Wall of China.”

“That’s gonna be the name of your next single dawg! Waffle, oofle, maffle!”

Waffle oofle maffle

Waffle oofle maffle

Waffle oofle maffle

Cause you’re my bitch

“Don’t smile too hard, your teeth are biting into my dick.”

“Ah, sowwy,” Justin mmphed. That did it. Kevin creamed all inside Justin’s poor mouth, and then Justin inhaled too hard and some of Kevin’s goo started leaking out of Justin’s nostrils. He really wanted to save some of it to use as creamer for his coffee, so he sucked as much of it out of Kevin’s quickly sagging dick as he could, and then when Kevin took his dick out of his new lover’s mouth, Justin closed his mouth and held his breath.

“Did you like that?” Kevin asked.

“Mmmm!” Justin agreed. He wanted to keep Kevin’s magnificent semen to refine into a coffee creamer. Maybe even a skincare lotion. Justin’s elbows had been really dry lately. He needed something magical to keep them looking fresh. Maybe he would even keep it as a hair gel to give his hair that extra glossy sheen. That bitch Selena Gomez would be so gel.

Kevin was a man who knew how to keep his bitches in line. And that was to make them feel really good after punishing them. He ripped Justin’s pants down. Justin had been wearing a pair of 90s era Scooby Doo panties. Kevin tore them off with his teeth.

Ruh-roh Raggy!

Kevin could no longer resist the petite teenager’s invitations. He felt Justin’s crotch, and there was a small nub, like a chocolate chip Keebler cookie. Ooh, how neat! Kevin moved down to Justin’s little Keebler crotch and found the precious nub. He didn’t even notice Justin’s hairless little coconuts hanging underneath. He swallowed Justin’s crotch. “OM NOM NOM!”

Justin shot such a little squirt in Kevin’s mouth that the older man didn’t even notice, and he just kept on sucking. Kevin was so good with his tongue. Justin decided he didn’t need any of those chicas. He just wanted a bunch of black men. Just not big black guys, because they would probably rip him a new ass. He shuddered at the thought of a bunch of big black football dudes taking him.

“MMMMMMMM!” Justin couldn’t take it anymore. He opened his mouth to scream in pleasure and he spit all the cum in his mouth on Kevin’s head. The cum in Kevin’s hair gave it a nice glossy sheen. And then all of a sudden, Kevin’s hair poofed up in an afro. There was all kinds of stuff in the cumfro. There were ponies and rainbows, and even some glittery fruit snacks. It was so beautiful that even Justin was starting to get pretty jel.

“That was amazing,” Justin said.

“So, when do you want to fuck again?”

Kevin took out a bar of Lifeboy soap and put it in Justin’s mouth.

“Don’t drop the soap.” And then he added, “Justine.”

Justin smiled.

***

That day, when Justin Bieber was released on bond, he had a big smile on his face. He knew what he wanted. And it sure as hell wasn’t Selena Gomez.

NEXT TIME!!!!!!

Phil Robertson decides that it’s wrong for America to discriminate against a hot girl like Justin Bieber who goes shirtless all the time, and decides to pay a visit. He decides that Justin is even hotter than Miley Cyrus, and becomes EXTREMELY HAPPY!!!!!!

PS. Justin Bieber’s mom is a total fucking fox. I want her so badly. Almost as much as I want to fuck Justin Bieber. I mean, don’t get me wrong fools, I’m a normal straight guy, but he looks like a complete girl, and let’s be honest, after how much he takes it in the ass, he can work it better than any girl can.

#waffleooflemaffle