JACKSON, MI – If you know an otherwise mature adult currently moping around in a state of football-induced depression, that person may be suffering from Lioncholia.

Lioncholia is a mental disorder that strikes fans of the Detroit Lions when they realize another season of devotion was wasted. This winter an epidemic is raging through Michigan, thanks to a season-ending collapse that ruined the team’s allegedly strong start.

The best medicine is a good pep talk from The Fan Coach.

“Listen up, you weaklings! No one said being a fan was easy. Easy is for sissies. Are you sissies?”

Dead silence.

“I said: Are you sissies?”

A few people mumble “no.”

“You over there, the guy wearing the Barry Sanders jersey. Are those tears running down the blue paint on your face?”

“Yes, Fan Coach. I’m crying because I really believed the Lions would go to the playoffs this year.”

“Playoffs? Drop and give me 20! Stop drinking the happy juice and look at the statistics, you delusional morons.”

Statistics will forever show the 2013 Lions beat a grand total of one team that finished the season with a winning record, and that team had eight victories, seven defeats, and a tie. The Lions never beat a good team all year, and they lost repeatedly to mediocre and poor ones.

“Is that what you dimwits call playoff caliber football? Answer me!”

“No, coach!”

“You over there, Flory, the guy with the Lions tattoo on your shoulder.”

“Me, coach?”

“Yes, you, turf for brains. Why are you pouting?”

“Because the Lions fired their head coach again. That probably means three or four years of building a new system. I might be dead before they stop rebuilding.”

“Three or four years? Hell, Flory, you’re a Lions fan! Act like it. You’ve been waiting 56 years for a glimmer of competence. Three or four more is a breeze.”

The coach pauses and looks each fan in the eye.

"Do you remember when Monte Clark prayed on the sidelines? Or when Marty Mornhinweg took the wind? Do you remember pounding the rock and the big buck? How about Eric Hipple and Scott Mitchell and Andre Ware? How about Matt Frickin' Millen!"

“Yes, coach!”

“You can take a 7-9 season. That’s nothing! You are trained to take far worse and come back for more. That’s what you do!”

“Yes, coach!”

“Who are you?”

“LIONS FANS!”

“What do you expect?”

“COMPLETE FUTILITY!”

“That’s right! Now get ready for next season. Training camp will start before you know it.”

Yeah. Wait until next year. Everything might be different next year.

-- Contact Brad Flory at brad@lifeinplaid.com