Learning a second language strengthens mental flexibility, an aspect of self-control, because the languages interfere with each other and because children must determine which language the listener will understand. Bilingual children do well on tasks that require them to ignore conflicting cues, for example reporting that a word is printed in green ink even though it says “red.” Bilingual children are better at learning abstract rules and reversing previously learned rules, even before their first birthday. People who continue to speak both languages as adults show these benefits for a lifetime.

Aerobic exercise, which increases prefrontal cortex activity, is another way to build cognitive flexibility. Further benefits may come from Asian practices that require sustained attention and disciplined action, like martial arts, yoga and meditation. Though parents often worry that physical education takes time away from the classroom, an analysis of multiple studies instead found strong evidence that physical activity improved academic performance.

The connection between self-control and social skills seems to be a two-way street. Helping children to identify their emotions and think through possible consequences before reacting improves self-control, in the classroom and at home. According to an analysis of 213 studies involving more than 270,000 students from kindergarten through high school, programs to enhance social and emotional development accelerate school achievement as much as interventions targeted at academic subjects.

Children do not all start at the same place, but they all can benefit from building self-control. Though many children develop this ability at home, children of stressed and overwhelmed parents have fewer opportunities to do so and benefit greatly from preschool programs as preparation for later schooling. In addition, boys, on average, develop self-control later than girls. Regardless of initial ability, increasing self-control improves life outcomes.

Americans could take one tip from Asian and French parents: abandon the idea that they must support self-esteem at all costs. Children do not benefit from routine empty praise, like the cries of “Good job!” that ring out over American playgrounds. Chinese and French parents are sparing in their praise, yet children from those cultures do not have noticeably lower self-esteem.

More effective is to praise a child for effort. “You’re so smart!” doesn’t suggest what to do next time; “Wow, you kept working on that math problem until you got it right!” carries a clear message about the desired behavior. Communicating high but achievable expectations confers tools for real success — the best route to true self-esteem.

An internally motivated approach to building self-control plays to traditional American strengths. Being self-motivated may lead to other positive long-term consequences as well, like independence of thought and willingness to speak out.

Helping your children learn to manage themselves, rather than rely on external orders, could pay big dividends in adulthood. With a little luck, they may end up agreeing with the legendarily hard-striving Thomas Edison: “I think work is the world’s greatest fun.”