SEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that there was “no need to worry,” because he would always be here to fight climate change before ethereally transforming into a majestic oak. “Although today marks the conclusion of my 2020 presidential bid, I want all of you to know that my wisdom will forever be in the soil of this magnificent grove and my hope will be in the sky above,” said Inslee at a press conference held deep in the Olympic National Forest as he vanished in a bath of warm light, only to reappear moments later in the guise of an ancient white oak lit by luminous bands of fireflies, his arms transforming into long, twisting branches while his voice echoed through the millennia-old thicket as if by the enchantment of nature itself. “Whenever you need my guidance to help fight for the future of our planet, just come to this wooded spot and listen for the whisper of the wind between these branches and the dappling of light upon theses leaves. There you will hear my voice. There you will see my spirit.” At press time, Inslee had been burned alive in a blaze caused by a poorly maintained fire pit.

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