The Golden Rule — treat others how you’d like to be treated — is a universal maxim. It is a law of reciprocity — if we treat others with kindness, they will be compelled to treat us with kindness in turn. The concept dates back to ancient Egypt, at least, and can be found in religious texts across the world. In the Western world it is perhaps most closely associated with Christianity (‘Do unto others . . . ).’ Anyway . . . Whatever its form, the Golden Rule has been around for awhile. Treat yourself as well as you’d treat Confucius

Modern research on the Golden Rule

More recently, Jonathan Haidt, a research psychologist at the University of Virginia, identified the Golden Rule as one of ten Great Ideas that promote well-being in his 2006 book The Happiness Hypothesis. It is the goodwill it fosters, as well as the goodwill it generates in return, that makes the principle so timeless.

The Golden Rule got its name because for thousands of years it represented a quintessence — if there is one rule we should follow, this is it. It’s hard to argue otherwise. The Golden Rule promotes altruism, if even for the less-than-selfless expectation of reciprocation.

We often think of the Golden Rule as a code of conduct — a rule on how to behave in the world. But it is perhaps more of a psychological principle — a guide for how to think. Thought is action, but thought can be concealed in a way action often cannot. Throughout our lives we are socialized on how to behave, but, if we want to, we can think and behave in very incongruous ways. We can get away with thinking all sorts of terrible things so long as we don’t act on them.

The Golden Rule helps us to align our thoughts with our behaviors. It goes deeper beyond behavioral instruction; it is instruction for our character.

Reversing the Golden Rule

So here’s the interesting part:

To my surprise, in my work as a psychotherapist, I don’t find myself having much use for the Golden Rule. When the principle of reciprocity does come up, it is usually in the context of a defensive strategy — extending an olive branch, so to speak, as a way to manage a toxic person in one’s life.

Instead, I find myself advising the Golden Rule’s reverse: treat yourself how you’d like others to be treated.

What does that mean?

If you have a habit of negative self-talk, and you’re walking around berating yourself all day, you probably don’t want to use the Golden Rule as a code of conduct. It wouldn’t make you many friends.

Incmy work I have met some of the nicest, most thoughtful, and considerate people I have ever known. But I find that when we get down to business in therapy, it is often these very same people who reveal a habit of negative self-talk I can only describe as abusive — to themselves.

They say things to themselves that they wouldn’t dream of saying to someone else — name-calling, shaming, blaming. Make no mistake: this is negative self-talk is emotional abuse, and abuse can have has serious repercussions, whatever its source.

The impact of emotional abuse

Studies show emotional abuse can inhibit your ability to regulate emotion Emotional abuse can be easy to overlook, because its effects aren’t always immediately visible. After all, sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can never hurt us. Right? If you remember saying this as a child, you’ve probably been socialized to minimize the impact of emotional abuse, if not to dismiss it outright. This is as wrong as it is dangerous. Emotional abuse is not invisible. It creates tangible change in the brain.

Research on the brain imagery of victims of chronic emotional abuse reveal consistent differences from a normal brain, particularly in the prefrontal cortex and medial temporal lobes — the parts of the brain tasked with regulating emotion and promoting self-awareness.

Emotional abuse wears down your ability to make yourself feel better. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. It can also sustain or worsen issues that are already there.

When the abuse is self-inflicted

‘Self-talk’ is a term to describe the conversations we have in our heads. Often, self-talk is neutral (ie, reminding yourself what you need from the grocery store). Sometimes, self-talk is positive (ie, congratulating yourself on a job well-done). Often, though, self-talk is negative — the negativity bias makes sure of it.

The negativity bias — we are wired to notice bad things

The negativity bias describes the tendency of the human brain to pay greater attention to negative things, because negative things tend to need more attention. This has an evolutionary basis: Our ancestors had good reason to pay closest attention to the dangers in their environments — it helped them to stay alive in a hazardous world.

But the negativity bias can wreak havoc on your mental health if it isn’t reeled in, and your natural inclination to accentuate the negative causes you to dismiss the positives altogether. This is what causes, for example, a straight-A student to lament a B+, or someone with social anxiety to ruminate over an awkward pause in an otherwise pleasant conversation.

When you don’t achieve a desired outcome, it’s helpful to review where things went off course, and to try to identify anything you could have done differently to have improved performance. But once you’ve identified the learning points, it’s best to move on. Rumination is unhealthy.

Too much rumination can lead to a habit of negative self-talk — telling yourself you’re not good enough, or, even worse, that you’ll never be good enough.

How to stop negative self-talk

So how do you stop negative self-talk?

The most first and most important step to stopping negative self-talk is to notice it. Perception is reality, but a lot of times, our internal monologues run on autopilot, just below our conscious awareness. When these thoughts are allowed to pass under your noses without detection, you won’t be able to check them for validity . . . so you’ll just believe them. If you want to start being kinder to yourself, you first have to notice when you aren’t treating yourself well.

The following is a quick assessment to help identify, challenge, and change negative self-talk.

1. Identify a thought

What am I telling myself?

Is it positive, neutral, or negative?

If it’s positive or neutral, great. But if it’s negative, ask yourself if it may be the result of a cognitive distortion.

2. Review the thought for accuracy

Is my thought true (what is the evidence for and against this thought)?

Am I generalizing one bad event (ie, ‘I always fail’ based on one failure)?

Have I jumped to a conclusion (what is another possible explanation)?

Am I seeing things in only black-or-white (is your situation just kinda bad instead of the worst ever)?

Am I using ‘should’ statements instead of accepting a unique situation (I should have done better, rather than I could have done better)?

3. Look for alternative explanations that aren’t so bad

What is the best-case scenario?

What is the middle-of-the-road scenario?

Are either of these more likely?

4. Be solution-focused

Where is this train of thought leading, and is it helping or hindering my goals?

If it’s hindering me, how better can I direct myself toward my goal?

It can take time to change self-talk, especially if negative self-talk has become a long-standing habit. But gaining insight into the ways in which we tend to distort reality is an important first step. It can help to open different avenues of thought — to help you realize there are other ways — more positive ways — not only to think, but to speak to yourself throughout the day.

Kindness begins with yourself. Treat yourself how you’d like others to be treated, and share this with your friends so they can do the same.

References:

Beck, Aaron T. (1972). Depression; Causes and Treatment. Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press

Burns, David D. (1980). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. New York: W. Morrow

Photo credits:

All photographs licensed under Creative Commons zero.

Learn more

Subscribe to the monthly newsletter to receive summaries of new articles.

Articles

Mindfulness Meditation: Choosing Your Train of Thought

The Science Of Breaking Bad Habits

Stoicism and CBT: Is Therapy a Philosophical Pursuit?

Wabi Sabi: The Beauty of Serene Melancholy