Doctor Krieger's Gadgets & Inventions

What Happens When Thomas Edison Meets NC-17? This Guy.

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Doctor Krieger, or simply, "Krieger," is the head of the ISIS Applied Research Department. The “Herr Doktor” has a fixation with the morbid that makes him particularly handy to the ISIS staff when dealing with dead bodies, bodily fluids or “resurrecting” a human through the power of cyborg technology. Krieger lives in a low-income neighborhood to better fund his “side projects,” some of which include bum shock fights (exactly what it sounds like), his multiple tricked-out vans and the ongoing development of his virtual Japanese anime girlfriend. He is one of the “Boys from Brazil,” meaning he is a genetically identical clone of Adolf Hitler, which explains a lot. Here is a comprehensive guide to the crowning jewels in Dr. Krieger’s catalog of inventions. Doctor Krieger, or simply, "Krieger," is the head of the ISIS Applied Research Department. The “Herr Doktor” has a fixation with the morbid that makes him particularly handy to the ISIS staff when dealing with dead bodies, bodily fluids or “resurrecting” a human through the power of cyborg technology. Krieger lives in a low-income neighborhood to better fund his “side projects,” some of which include bum shock fights (exactly what it sounds like), his multiple tricked-out vans and the ongoing development of his virtual Japanese anime girlfriend. He is one of the “Boys from Brazil,” meaning he is a genetically identical clone of Adolf Hitler, which explains a lot. Here is a comprehensive guide to the crowning jewels in Dr. Krieger’s catalog of inventions.

1. Virtual Japanese Anime Girlfriend

Dr. Krieger’s girlfriend is a holographic projection of a seemingly-sentient, skimpily-dressed Japanese anime girl. The state of New York was going to allow them to marry, however Krieger is prolonging their engagement because he is worried society will look down upon their union. He may be right to assume the public could be confused. Upon seeing her, Burt Reynolds asked, “Is that a ghost?”

2. Krieger Clones

An example of what not to do when you share genetic makeup with Adolf Hitler. If these things could talk, they’d probably just be uttering, “Kill me.” Luckily, an uncharacteristic lapse in judgement on Malory’s part to use “green energy” at ISIS sapped power from the clones’ life-sustaining pods and the world narrowly avoided the next Nazi invasion.

3. Van(s)

Krieger’s vans are the evil twin siblings of Volkswagen hippie vans. Although certain variables change slightly, the vans are always: 1) Funded by felonious activity; 2) Outfitted with tinted windows, a chain steering wheel, and privacy curtains for intimate times with his virtual girlfriend; 3) Painted on the outside with a mural inspired by a Rush album; and 4) Destroyed by activities performed by or relating to Archer. Krieger often uses his van, or as Lana refers to it, “rolling probable cause,” to record “bum shock fights,” which he stages by giving electrically-charged boxing mitts to homeless men — and sometimes Pam Poovey, when she’s up to it. We already told you he’s genetically identical to Hitler, right?

4. Krieger’s Magic Breath Strips

Lesson here: Never ingest anything that is qualified by the modifier “Magic.” Krieger’s “Magic Breath Strips,” a take-off on Listerine Breath Strips, are just blotter papers of LSD. Krieger once fed the strip to Cheryl to help manipulate her into falling in love with him — a match made in masochistic heaven. Eventually, Cheryl weans off the Krieger teet and comes up with her own way to inconspicuously stay dosed: “groovy bears” (LSD-infused gummy bears). Don’t mess with that Lucy, kids.