People who don’t want EU things angry that we can’t have EU things

There was much consternation amongst those people who want nothing more to do with EU things as it was announced that the EU would not be considering bids from UK cities to be a European city of culture, an EU thing.

“I think it is a disgrace that those barmy Brussels bureaucrats have ruled our great British cities out of the European city of culture,” said Nigel Farage, sometimes UKIP leader and full-time complete bellend.

“Just because we voted to have nothing more to do with EU things, it doesn’t mean that we want nothing more to do with EU things.”

Mr Farage went on to clarify the Brexiters position regarding EU things.

“It’s really very simple, we have voted to sever all ties with the EU because they’re all a bunch of jumped up garlic-eating Johnny Foreigners who want to make us all speak Belgian and have bendy and/or straight bananas.

“However, obviously we still want complete and unfettered access to the EU and all the enormously beneficial things that brings us, like grants, subsidies and delightful cheeses.

“Essentially, we want to leave the EU whilst remaining part of the EU.”

Mr Farage went on to issue his demand to the EU.

“They need to stop being so bloody-minded and give us exactly what we want, and make Tunbridge Wells the European city of culture in perpetuity to say sorry.

“And it wouldn’t hurt if they all made English their national language so we don’t have to learn about umlauts and all that foolishness.”