Need a $15,000 Dildo? Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop Have You Covered

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | May 10, 2016 |

Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop have suggested many things over the years. From a $900 blanket to the most steamed and pressed vagina on the block, Goop has you covered or uncovered however you see fit—for a price.

Today, the price to get your freshly steamed bits fully penetrated is a mere $15,000. Just $15,000 will buy you a Goop-approved solid gold dildo.

I know what you’re thinking. Too good to be true. TOO GOOD A DEAL. But it’s real! Lelo’s Inez dildo is described as “Defined by decadence and elegance, INEZ™ is available crafted in either Stainless Steel or lavish 24-karat gold plate. It’s perfect for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure.” The silver is $7,790. If you’re a poor or something. The site describes it as “For that dressy but boring party,” so if you’re the world’s worst party guest, this is perfect for you. Please don’t dildo in my house. And if you do, and it’s with this solid gold one, at least bring me better wine than that Yellow Tail shit.

Look, Goopy’s got other options for your goopy parts. If you’re watching your funds, she also suggests a $155 “Mandingo” from NatuRotica Wellness. It’s made of bloodstone and has healing properties (no it fucking doesn’t, but please go on). “Ideal for anaemia, Bloodstone purifies and fortifies the blood. It detoxifies the liver, intestines, kidneys, spleen and bladder. Bloodstone regulates and supports blood flow and aids in the circulation. It reduces pus formation, neutralises toxins and stimulates the lymphatic system, healing inflammations and infections. Bloodstone is also helpful in healing blood related cancers such as leukaemia.” *shakes head no* I think you can also muddle basil with it. Probably.

Anyway, get yours the Goop way. Or just visit the personal care section at Walgreens and get a “massage wand.” You have a bad back. A-WINK.

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