Now here’s a campaign platform that takes real guts. Mitt Romney has boldly come out against big government and its coddling of superfluous bureaucrats that drain our nation of scarce resources. And Romney courageously puts names to these bloodsucking parasites who provide no discernible benefit to society. Here is what he had to say about them:

“[Obama] wants to hire more government workers. He says we need more fireman, more policeman, more teachers. Did he not get the message of Wisconsin? The American people did. It’s time for us to cut back on government and help the American people.”

That’s right. The American people need help, and not the kind that President Obama is proposing. They don’t need fires extinguished by lazy civil servants. Real Americans will pick up their garden hoses and attack the blaze from their rooftops. Forest and prairie fires are actually a cheap method of clearing unsightly trees and brush. And paramedics only serve to exacerbate the socialist notion that victims of heart attacks and car accidents are “entitled” to life-saving emergency care.

The American people don’t need more police either. Protection from robberies and assaults is only sought by pussies and the French. And besides, if you really want police protection you can just start earning more money and move to a wealthy community where more officers are deployed and private security can be acquired for hefty fee. This is America, dammit. If you can’t get rich and pay for your own security, that’s your fault. And if you don’t stockpile weapons in your home, then you don’t really love your family. Just ask Mitt Romney (shooter of varmints) if he relies on the government for protection (well, except for all those secret service agents that cost taxpayers millions of dollars).

And don’t even get me started on teachers. What a waste of money that could have been spent on invading Iran. It’s not like America is the stupidest country in the world. At 37th worldwide there’s like 100 other countries that are stupider (and 36 that are smarterer).

Again the solution is simple. Send your children to expensive private schools like Romney’s Cranbrook, where they can get a superior education while traumatizing other students because they look different than you. The kids that are stuck in overcrowded public schools should stop whining and be grateful for community colleges and the jobs awaiting them at McDonalds. Romney has finally shown the courage to put an end to the fallacy that our children are the future when, in reality, they are just a bunch of germ-ridden fiscal burdens. Although the end result of this might make it harder for Romney to live up to his campaign slogan: We’re Not Stupid!

Mitt Romney, and most of the press, are preoccupied with an out-of-context soundbite where Obama said that “the private sector is doing fine.” When the whole of Obama’s remarks are considered it is clear that he was making a relative reference that the private sector (that has gained 4.2 million jobs in the last couple of years) is doing better than the public sector (which is still down 700,000 jobs). And if the jobs of firefighters, police and teachers were restored it would not only help those Americans, but it would produce more economic activity as a result of their employment (reducing the unemployment rate a full point) and improve the quality of life for all the Americans who benefit from the work they do.

In his remarks, Romney said that Obama was “out-of-touch.” It really takes cajones for a multimillionaire son of governor to call somebody else out-of-touch. But leave it to Romney and the Republican Party to twist reality out of all proportion and to take a position advocating fewer first-responders and educators. And these are the same people hyping so-called American exceptionalism.