photo courtesy of Oregon Dept. of Transportation

Excuses, excuses: Veteran bail enforcement agent Joe Stiles has heard them all.

Here are a few of his favorites — the 10 most popular, perfectly reasonable explanations clients give when he picks them up for failure to appear in court.

It happens more often than not: When bail agents have to arrest someone who didn’t turn up on his court date, the arrestee always has an excellent reason for his failure to appear — it’s never the client’s fault.

Over the years, I’ve heard the full gamut of excuses, and there are quite a few repeat offenders — not-so-creative “reasons” that seem to crop up again and again.

These are a few of my favorites. (I’m sure you’ve heard some good ones, too! Please feel free to add them to the list in the comments section below.)

10. “I forgot it was my court date.”

If you are in danger of being locked up, you should probably circle that day in red on your calendar and look at it every day.

9. “My lawyer was supposed to take care of this.”

Well, I’ll just run right out and arrest your lawyer, then.

8. “I didn’t think it was important.”

Well, the judge, your attorney, the prosecutor, the arresting officer, and all the witnesses saw it differently. That’s why they sent me to gently remind you!

7. “I wasn’t going anywhere.”

You can say that again.

6. “Can I turn myself in tomorrow?”

Nope. You were supposed to have done that before I caught you.

5. “You can’t do this.”

Tell it to the judge who ordered me to do it. I’m sure he will be impressed with your vast legal knowledge.

4. “I’m going to sue you.”

Get in line.

3. “Are you my bondsman?”

No, I’m the Tooth Fairy. Your bondsman was busy catching the real criminals.

2. “Why don’t you spend your time catching ‘real criminals’?”

I’m too busy catching the fake wannabe gangstas like YOU.

And the number one stupid thing people say when they get arrested?

1. “How did you find me?”

Magic.