Fathers speak about the very common, but often taboo reason relationships break down after children.

We all know couples break up for millions of different reasons. Some are more openly discussed than others.

One very common but still taboo reason is because fathers are alienated from the family unit after children are born. Kidspot spoke to three fathers about their experiences.

Mark* says, “My wife and I were together for 12 years. We had two boys. I was at both births, desperate to become a father, and instantly adored my boys. As time went on, it was almost as if my wife was jealous of the bond we had. Boy-time was meant to be bonding. We could spend hours, the three of us running around, playing, I think she felt excluded.

"It’s common for couples to drift apart after children come into the relationship. There are new priorities. But, this was as if she resented me. We started sleeping in separate beds, arguments became worse and worse. I didn’t see my boys for five years after we split; I had to fight and fight to get access. The boys prefer spending time with me, even now. She hates that, and she’s intent on keeping us apart as much as possible.”

"It’s so important for men to bond with their children." Source: IStock

Another father says the love he felt for his daughter didn't change the love for his wife, but his wife was jealous

Another father, Tim* tells Kidspot, “I adored my wife. That came first. I fell in love with her very fast and very hard - that never changed. When our first child was born, she would breastfeed and then when our daughter had enough, she’d pass her to me. She would fall asleep on my shoulder. I absolutely loved the little routine that we had. I loved being part of the feeding process.

"We had three more children but she refused to let me be part of it with any of the others. It’s so important for men to bond with their children but she seemed to prefer to keep them to herself rather than letting me in. It was the beginning of the end. Our relationship lasted for several more years, but they weren’t happy years. Holding my first daughter, cradling her on my shoulder, those memories, they’re some of the happiest of my life. I didn’t mean I loved my wife any less. There’s not a maximum of amount of love a man can offer.”

Finally, she said what I’d suspected for years. Source: IStock

‘He has more time for the kids than me'

A third father’s voice trembles as he tells his story. It’s 12 years since he split from his wife, but it’s clearly still raw.

“The saddest day of my life was being denied access to my children. My heart utterly fell to pieces when I sat in a room with my ex and a marriage guidance counsellor. We’d been going round and round in circles for weeks and getting nowhere. Finally, she said what I’d suspected for years. The counsellor pushed her to answer a very direct question, ‘What is your biggest problem with your husband?’ She didn’t want to answer. After a long silence she looked the counsellor straight in the eye and said the words that made me feel sick. ‘He has more time for the kids than me,’ she replied. I literally felt sick. Even though the words weren’t surprising to me, it confirmed what was at the very heart of the problems between us.

"All those years I’d tried to be a good dad. I worked hard and when I wasn’t at work, I adored spending time with my children. It wasn’t enough. All these years later, I look back and think, ‘how could you have read me so wrong? How did you not know me at all?’ I thought we were so invincible. I thought we were in parenting together. It was doomed because to her it was a competition for attention. I couldn’t win. Every day I live it breaks my heart. We could have had so much; I just wish she had felt differently. I wish I could have been enough.”

What do the experts say?

Kidspot spoke to author and psychologist Meredith Fuller who says that for couples where one partner requires a lot of care and attention themselves, it's common for resentment to build as their family grows.

"A second and third child changes the dynamic in a relationship even more than the first. The key to effective communication is time. Of course, when babies are on the scene, no one has time and there are constant interruptions. Communication becomes totally different to what it’s been like before. If one parent reverts to child-like behaviour out of jealousy, relationships become pressured and frequently fall apart.”

*Names changed to protect the privacy of these fathers.

Dads take ballet class with their kids 12267 The adorable moment fathers joined their kids for a dance class in the US.

The adorable moment fathers joined their kids for a dance class.