Hi Chump Lady,

I happened upon your website and it seems to contain a lot of good advice for certain circumstances. But there are others, I think, where the main advice of “just leave” doesn’t apply.

See, I’m a cheater and never expected I would be. I married my near perfect wife, a wonderful human being who is a far better person than I, not realising how much I would miss sex were it absent.

I love sex, and tend to treat it as an Olympic sport. I love people, especially the ones I’m attracted to, and enjoy being intimate with them in every way possible. I was honest about all this to my wife, and she understood, but wasn’t interested in an open relationship. I loved her so much I didn’t mind, figuring as long as we had some sort of sex that would provide sufficient satisfaction.

And it did, until we had kids. Her depression and low self esteem just blew up after that. Having twins, we didn’t have time for much else — it’s a nightmare of exhaustion and sleep deprivation, especially since we both work full time. We grew apart, becoming more work partners than romantic partners.

I’m not complaining, just informing. Life is hard, and for ages I just thought we didn’t have time or energy to be romantic in any way. Then we started to regain some of that time and energy and I tried and tried and tried again, but to no avail. Life is near perfect except for the missing sex. My wife has received treatment for her PND, we’ve both gone to relationship counselling, but she flatly refuses to go to sex therapy. Maybe her priorities are spot on.

But I can’t live like this — and yet I don’t want to leave. I love and care about this person more than any other. I just need to also have sex.

So I’ve occasionally been seeing prostitutes — I’ve even become friends with a couple, since I like people and don’t like entirely meaningless sex.

My point is, this is keeping me going while I continue to try to help my wife with her problems, and our problems, and hopefully one day even the lack of sex problem.

But one thing I don’t think, is that we need to destroy our marriage because I am temporarily attending to a basic biological need.

Anyway, just a thought.

Thanks for your time,

Withheld

Dear Withheld,

It would be so easy to just answer your letter with — “Just a thought, you’re scum.” But I feel compelled — because I love bullshit and tend to treat it as an Olympic sport — to thoroughly and painstakingly explain why you’re an asshole.

I’m not complaining, I’m just informing. Consider it a public service.

Your poor “near perfect” wife. So, so close to perfection except for the refusal to grant you an open marriage. So close to perfection except for her post-partum depression with infant twins and a full-time job. So close to perfection except she’ll go to doctors and therapists, but just not a sex therapist.

You poor man, why of COURSE you had to see prostitutes. Excuse me, friends. Who you pay.

But one thing I don’t think, is that we need to destroy our marriage because I am temporarily attending to a basic biological need.

How nice of you to speak in the royal “we” about a unilateral decision YOU made to have sex outside your marriage. “We” didn’t destroy the marriage. YOU are destroying it. The hooker thing maybe “temporary”, but your entitlement is all-encompassing. You feel entitled to Olympic sex. (WTF does that mean anyway? Are there pole-vaulters? Do you get judged by Russians?) You feel entitled to a perfect wife. (Near perfect isn’t cutting it.) You feel entitled to infants who sleep through the night and aren’t exhausting. (Have you MET any small children who aren’t exhausting? Did you order some lovely sanitized children who sleep in perfect 10-hour increments from the Lillian Vernon catalog and are now disappointed in your purchase?)

Your expectations are RIDICULOUS. No wonder your wife has “low self esteem.” I’m surprised she’s not throwing herself off highway bridge spans.

I’m sorry. I know I’m supposed to feel great wells of sympathy for your sexless marriage and your basic biological needs. However, you were pretty sketchy on the details there, Withheld. Like, is it a total loss of sex, or just not enough sex? Is it vanilla sex when you want Olympic sex? Is it sex with one near perfect wife when you want lots of attractive people to be “intimate with in every way possible”? You don’t say.

If sex is that important to you — and it sounds like it is — then divorce your wife and those exhausting, sleepless children — and be true to your vapid principles. At least then your wife would have an honest choice — be Olympically sexy or let you fuck people on the side and risk her health. Which you’re doing now, without her consent.

Oh I know you wanted me to believe in your Magic Boner and how important it is. That I would shudder at the thought of your deprivation and suffering. And how decent and well-meaning you are to have sex with professionals (who may be trafficked, and/or carrying STDs) and not disrespect your wife with an actual AFFAIR. (That’s quite a thin line you walk there. The sex cannot be meaningless, but it can’t be significant either.)

Withheld, I’m sorry you don’t get a Magic Boner and a perfect wife. You can follow your Magic Boner, make it a life-long quest, and best of luck with that. I hope your many hours of happy ejaculate were worth it when you’re old and alone with your colostomy bag. Go ahead and trade a loving, faithful, near perfect wife who destroyed her body to give you two babies for your Magic Boner. Don’t invest. Be about YOU. Flit from one attractive person to the next when your wife appliance is malfunctioning. Heck, chuck this wife appliance and get a new wife appliance every few years.

Life is hard, and for ages I just thought we didn’t have time or energy to be romantic in any way.

How much time do your hookers take? How much do they cost? Here’s a crazy thought — why don’t you take that TIME and that ENERGY that you are investing ELSEWHERE and invest it in your FAMILY. Like, pick up the fucking slack. Wake up with a crying baby. Hire a sitter. Romance your wife. Empty the dishwasher.

Your life isn’t “hard,” dude. Being a Syrian refugee is hard. Having cancer is hard. Being a vulnerable, young mother when your husband is out fucking prostitutes is HARD. Your problem is you’re a selfish fucker who puts himself above his wife and children’s health and welfare.

If your wife was writing to me? You’re right, I wouldn’t say “just leave.” I’d say RUN.