WASHINGTON — Army Times has received a “lifetime achievement award” for “best longevity of story” from the Columbia School of Journalism after its 50th cover story on upcoming changes to the Army’s Physical Fitness Test (APFT) on February 16. Pentagon sources indicate the Pentagon Inspector General will launch a full-scale investigation into how Army Times writers have received so much sensitive information regarding the APFT.

Sources at Army Times claim writers owe their success to a senior enlisted soldier, who uses the name “Deepsquat.” Reporter Mickey Farah accepted the award after the most recent report for “best longevity of one story.”

During the ceremony, the guests were treated to a montage reflecting back on all the kinds of rumors they reported were “totally getting approved this year,” from five mile runs, one minute of pushups, to long jumps and pull-ups.

When Navy Times PFT reporter Mark Tone said to table mates, “This doesn’t make any sense. It is the same story for the past ten years but none of it ever comes true — like, ever!” Farah returned to the microphone to answer him.

“Deepsquat says the reason the APFT never actually changes,” she said, “is because when we break the news, soldiers push back and stop the changes.”

“How many IG investigations has your reporting caused?” Farah added, before dropping the microphone.

The Navy Times writer shouted back, “Maybe you should wait until an actual change actually happens next time, rather than trying to desperately fool people into buying your paper with front-page trickery.”

“Oh yeah? Well look at the four other stories we also have,” Farah replied. “How about promotion point and retirement changes? What about our monthly piece that highlights what the Sergeant Major of the Army might be considering after talking with a soldier?”

As reporters covered Farah in camera flashes, she yelled out, “I am the hope and change the Army needs! I am your Sebastian Junger!’

Duffel Blog reporter Addison Blu contributed to this report.