WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Almost too queasy to even comment on the study at all, a team of disgusted researchers from the College of William and Mary announced Thursday they couldn’t bring themselves to find out how much mayonnaise the average American consumes each year. “After reviewing preliminary figures on the annual rate of mayonnaise consumption in the U.S., we couldn’t stop gagging and decided there was absolutely no way we could pursue this topic any further,” said head researcher Leonard Aldridge, adding that he insisted the data be reexamined multiple times to uncover the mathematical error he assumed must account for the sickening numbers that had emerged. “I still shudder when I think about all the test subjects who arrived at our research lab with mayonnaise literally on their fingers and mouth and, on one or two occasions, in their hair. Seriously, when a questionnaire comes back to you smeared with mayonnaise on both sides, do you even need to score it?” Aldridge went on to say, however, that he was certain future studies into the consumption rates of melted cheese, ranch dressing, and butter would be far less disturbing.

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