ARE you partial to some heavy petting? A growing number of us are. Pet ownership is rising rapidly in developing countries, mirroring the growth of a more prosperous middle class.

According to research by Euromonitor, there’s been a 51 per cent increase in the number of dogs kept as pets in the developing world, up to 243 million, with cat ownership increasing by 49 per cent to 126 million. In America, pets outnumber people.

This is annoying news for me, as I don’t like animals – perhaps because I went out with so many as a teenager. But when I confess my pet phobia to friends, they look at me with the same horror they would a mass murderer.

I suppose my pet allergy began when I shared a bedroom with my Steve-Irwin-esque sister. There was always some mysterious creature recuperating in a shoebox beneath her bed. I could never sleep in case something escaped … Something with fangs envenomed with poison which it fully intended sinking into my flesh.

media_camera Columnist Kathy Lette says her pet phobia began when her sister brought home a python. Picture: Renae Droop

“Snakes have had a rotten press since that business in the Garden of Eden,” my sister maintained when she brought home her first python. I made some whimpering noises associated with childbirth, which only got louder when one of the rats she’d bought to feed the snake escaped. The pregnant rat … Nothing like roaming your own home with a net and tranquilliser dart to relax you before bed.

And even though I clearly don’t like creatures, they certainly like me.

My sister put up a fluorescent light to attract insects to feed the many lizards she was breeding. The insects attracted spiders. One night in my teens I was woken by a tarantula the size of a cattle dog gambolling across my face. My scream could have been heard on the Mir space station. My sister thought a thwack with a towel was the best defence. I, on the other hand, wanted nothing less than a SWAT team.

“So, lemme get this straight. You can pour boiling hot wax on to your private parts then rip the hairs out by the roots and yet you’re terrified of an arachnid?” she scoffed, releasing the spider into the garden. I was sure I could hear it having a celebratory knees-up with all eight of its horribly hairy legs.

media_camera The only pet columnist Kathy Lette allowed her children to have was a stick insect. Picture: AAP/Melvyn Knipe

My animosity to animals has sabotaged quite a few romantic relationships, too. When one boyfriend introduced me to his “playful pooch” I replied that it looked more like the kind of creature which could drag you into the Underworld. When the dog proceeded to use me as a chew toy, my boyfriend explained jovially, “He’s just fun-loving. Satan, down boy!”

“The fact that all pit bulls are invariably called Adolf, Eva or Satan slightly belies the notion that they’re ‘fun loving’,” I seethed.

And then there was the embarrassment of Satan’s gassy tendencies. Guests were constantly reeling back, eyes smarting, lungs scrambling for oxygen, great-grandfathers suddenly reliving the mustard gas attacks they endured in the trenches …

When I finally told my beau that it was either me or the dog, he only took a moment to reply. “Gee, Satan and I are really going to miss you.”

When my own children begged for pets, I pointed to the frogs and mice lurking in the backyard and explained that we already had pets – albeit free range.

Their desperation for a dog became a major bone of contention – a bone they gnawed with ferocity. But I just rolled over and played dead. I also ignored their cat cravings. “Nowhere does it state in my mothering contract that I must cough up fur balls,” I decreed, placating them with a pet stick insect.

In truth, I do love animals – and not just with gravy. Whales, dolphins, elephants, koalas, quokkas, quolls, lions, tigers … And what I love about them is that they live in the wild.

Besides I think it’s time we examine why people are purchasing pets in such record numbers. Is it because dogs and cats are friend substitutes? Analysts explain the rise in pet ownership by the increase in people living alone. But perhaps if humans weren’t pouring all that love into their four-legged friends, we’d be kinder to each other? We’d take a pal for a walk and a talk. We’d cuddle up on the couch and make each other purr with gentle strokes and discover our own animal magnetism …. Now that’s my kind of puppy love.

Twitter @KathyLette