April Fool’s Day is here, which naturally means that the Internet has temporarily become a cesspool of lies and treachery, seamlessly mixing real, incredible stories with fake stories that are either inventive and on-point or plausible and infuriating in their fakeness. Being consummate consumers of music news, our consciences weighed heavy on the thought of fooling you, so instead we combined our inspiration from the most recent episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (check out the clip below) and our intense desire to just be Mcsweeney’s Internet Tendency already to bring you our list of Today’s Biggest Ska News Events That Are Definitely Real:

Dicky Barrett Declares Boston Is “Just Okay” Ska Heavyweights Announce Riddim, Exclusive High-Quality Audio Streaming Service Soon to Be Dwarfed by Spotify Having Conquered Every Other Genre, Dave McWane Announces Upcoming Adult Contemporary Record The Aquabats Debut “Captain Snotty-Pants and the Funky Brunch”, The First Single Off New Nu-Metal Opus Tears of Our Sorrows Founding Skatalites Member Posts to Facebook “Seriously, I Was Just Kidding About The Name, I Didn’t Think It Would Stick, I Apologize For Causing Every Ska Portmanteau Ever” Global Ska Embassadors Convene at Jamaican Summit To Make Downbeats Illegal, Immoral Streetlight Manifesto to Release Traditional Ska Record Incoming Fifth Wave of Ska To Be Exclusively Horns

Together, we can make it through today.