ABC

JORDAN. Where to even BEGIN? Well, let's begin with the date card, which says "Let's Seal the Date." I honestly thought they were going to go seal clubbing. They didn't. On their date, Jojo says that she met one of Jordan's exes (?!?) in Dallas (?!?!?!?!) and that the ex told her that Jordan "wasn't a great boyfriend" (?!?!?!?!?!!??@!?@?#???!?@?@?!?!?!??!) Ooookay. Let's just take this apart Lego by Lego. First of all: how would Jojo have… asdjflkalsdkfalsk I don't even know how to phrase the question because it's such an absurd idea. Okay. First of all: Jojo didn't even know she was going to be the Bachelorette until a few days before it was announced. It was going to be Caila, then they switcherood last-minute. What they're purporting here is that Jojo was walking down the street or the rodeo or whatever they walk on in Texas, and some rando just comes up to her and is like "Hey, Jojo. You don't know this yet, but you're going to be the Bachelorette. One of your contestants is going to be this dude Jordan, who I used to date. He's a bad boyfriend!" The whole idea is just bananas. My best Nancy Drew guess is that the producers knew Jordan had a history of cheating/being a general dbag, but they wanted to have it "dealt with" on the show in case he won or became the Bachelor. I know this is a somewhat controversial stance, but my official position on the matter is that I Do Not Like Jordan. If you want to know the shenanigans he's been up to, it's all on the internet (and it's BAD), but once again I will warn that if you Google ANY of these contestants, you're going to see spoilers. Jordan gets a rose, obvi. The fact that Jojo's been told that Jordan is a Bad Dude™ and still makes out with him at every possible opportunity means that, at least for now, he's holding all the cards. Is that an expression? Because sometimes holding all the cards is a bad thing, like when you're playing BS in the green room before going onstage in your all-girls middle school production of The Music Man. For example.