The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round – 8 LSU 78, 1 Dayton 73

The greatest team Dayton has ever assembled has been upset in the second round by a team that has been caught cheating.

In fact, the player that Tigers head coach Will Wade has been recorded talking about bidding for is Ja’vonte Smart, and he scored 18 crucial points in LSU’s 78-73 triumph.

That’s how this Dayton team had its season end: first March Madness, now Reddit March Madness.

“I’m speechless,” said Dayton fan Kurt Shawinagin. “I just, I thought, I didn’t, I can’t, I don’t know. I don’t know. This doesn’t seem real. I don’t know.”

Dayton superstar Obi Toppin, who declared for the NBA Draft 2.49 nanoseconds after the final horn, likely played his final game as a Flyer in one of the most disappointing and painful games the team’s fans have ever endured. The same goes for seniors Trey Landers and Ryan Mikesell, who were integral backbones of this record-setting squad.

“It gon’ be quite th’ burden for us ta carry,” Mikesell said, wearing a dirty sack and torn up shoes with a dusty ball cap and knapsack tied to a stick hoisted on his shoulder. “I think I need me some time for meself. Some time on the open plains. Gon’ find me a train going west and ride her ’til she can’t be rode no more. Start me a new life. “Never think about this terrible moment ever again,” he said, beginning to break character as the emotion of the moment was too much to ignore. “This terrible. awful, wretched moment! Oh, how I curse this horrific moment! This catastrophic moment in my life that I can never forget!”

This was three of the 21 points Skylar Mays scored against Dayton. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

Mikesell got up from the podium hastily and left the room. There are rumors that he lives in Topeka now, calling himself Sell Ryanmike to disguise his true identity at open gyms in the area.

Wade, who keeps getting away with it, got away with it in outstanding fashion, getting LSU to back-to-back Sweet 16s, the first time the program has done that since the Reagan administration. To say that his cheating hasn’t paid off, in more ways than one, would be factually incorrect.

“Was it worth it?” Wade said, wearing sunglasses with green money signs around the shades, a suit with $100 dollar bills decorating it, and a tie made out of actual $20 dollar bills that he somehow paper mached into a tie or something. “Do two Sweet 16s and an SEC regular season championship in four years after this team was 10-21 and 2-16 in conference the year before I took over in exchange for a vacation during the most stressful time of the season last year and nothing else but America knowing my lack of integrity make it worth it?”

He paused for a moment, starring us all down through his sick money shades.

“Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking worth it,” he concluded.

So, LSU will move on, while this once-in-a-lifetime Dayton team won’t even get a lousy Sweet 16 birth in the virtual bullshit tournament out of this season, proving once and for all that the arc of justice is indecisive.

“This world is a sick place. There’s no righteousness in this place,” said Toppin, turning up his upper lip in disgust, then changing his expression to complete anger after his phone rang and he saw who was calling. “And these fucking calls won’t stop either! I know it’s you, Dan! Leave me alone! I don’t need this right now!”

Villanova head coach Jay Wright could be heard celebrating in the distance.

LSU will challenge No. 5 Butler in the Sweet 16, a rematch of a 2009 NCAA Tournament meeting in the first round. LSU won that one, 75-71, and the rivalry has been on fire ever since.

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.