This reporter found herself in the most bizarre place, on a Friday evening in Cambridge. At the witch Lady Clare’s castle, turned into a university college operated by Muggles, a startling event took place. Muggles were seen to be dressed in Hogwarts clothing, wearing house crests and prefects’ badges. Lucius Malfoy and other former prominent Death Eaters were seen at the premise. The Ministry was unavailable for a comment.

A mystifying Sorting Feast, without the Sorting Hat, began with an introduction to the Owlery. In this so-called Owlery, wizards, disguised as Muggles, showed Muggles ways to communication with owls. However, as our readers know, owls are not as attuned to the whims of Muggles! It was quite surprising that they did not protest to Muggle treatment. Each of the ‘Firsties’ and a few ‘Prefects’ got to meet a siberian Eagle owl and a 7 month old Barn owl. The Muggles found endless amusement from the owls, as students and staff took turns taking non-moving photographs with them (apparently quite normal for Muggles).

With the departure of the owls, it was time to head to the Great Hall for food. The Muggle version of the Hogwarts Great Hall, although lit with candles, they did not appear to float over the tables nor were the teachers present. A student confided in me during the dinner with this bewildering comment: “It is such a shame that this dinner does not have floating candles! We haven’t got the tekloggy in place yet.” Dinner, unlike at Hogwarts, was oddly served by staff and not house elves. Another student was overheard stating the house elves had been laid off due to terrible Muggle labour laws.

Dinner began with a favourite phrase of Albus Dumbledore (1881-1996), “Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”. Dumbledore, as the wizarding world remembers, was the former head of Hogwarts School until his untimely death by wandpoint by Severus Snape, former head of Slytherin house and Headmaster from 1996 to 1997. The highlight of the feast was a chocolate golden snitch (Muggle interpretation, as we know enchanted desert snitches are incredibly difficult to capture and keep in one place).

Yet, the feast was not without incident. During the dinner, a fake Professor Quirinus Quirrell ran into the Great Hall to declare, “There is a troll in the buttery! Thought you should know!” This reporter did not find this particularly amusing because of the amount of damage trolls may cause to poorly enhanced wizarding structures through Muggle means.

With that, the students were told to take continue the festivities in the Middle Combination Room Bar, where they were greeted with Butterbeer (an odd tasting version, rather unlike Madam Rosemary’s from Three Broomsticks), Liquorice wands (it seems that Honeydukes was pilfered by these Muggles), chocolate frogs (they did not do much jumping, a shame) and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans (I overheard someone did manage to eat a boogey flavour one) served by Madam Malkin. The reporter attempted to engage with Madam Malkin to enquire whether her business of fine robe making was floundering, but was refused a comment. The revelry continued late into the night.

Many thanks to Clare College Catering for creating the fantastic array of food!