Trump Appoints Old Pal Kevin McCallister As New DHS Secretary

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After the resignation of Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, President Trump was quick to appoint a replacement: 10-year-old Kevin McCallister.

“This kid knows how to defend a home,” Trump told the press, referring to two incidents when the child was stranded without his parents and had to defend himself from burglars with a series of makeshift traps. During the second time, when McCallister found himself alone in the city of New York, Trump met the child and quickly became friends with him after hearing how he hit a burglar in the face with a paint can.

“I bet he suffered a traumatic brain injury!” Trump said, laughing about the incident.

Trump explained to the press that McCallister would use his knowledge of home defense to protect the entire American homeland, rigging a number of traps at every border. “Terrorists, drug cartels, poor people looking for work -- they’re all going to get hit with paint cans!” Trump proclaimed. “You try to mess with America -- brick to the face! You sneak drugs into this country -- blowtorch to the head! You attempt to blow up a landmark -- BB gun to the groin! It’s going to be hilarious!”

The press had a number of tough questions about the practicality of defending the entire country with booby traps. When they went to McCallister’s office to ask him questions, though, they heard through the door what sounded like a gangster firing a Tommy gun. They all ran, hearing the gangster call them “filthy animals” as they fled.

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