Photo by C. Hewitt

Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain which has over eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians have been queuing for hours hoping to stockpile some of its most popular chicken dishes. Someone called police to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out when the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. They arrested others in the Oxford Road area after selling their reward cards before the 12-midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

eBay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs appeared on the site. It even forced them to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people sold peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out, then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast-food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s blackmail, and that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

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