Headwatch is designed for those people who have long conversations on their phone and really do not like holding the phone up to their ears for that long because it hurts their arms… and want a watch. You know, all of those people.

The following quotes are directly from Headwatch’s IndieGoGo page and I am willing to sacrifice the flow of the article for the purpose of humor. The creators at Headwatch say, “Handling the smartphone is becoming trickier, probably it is not in your pocket! Well, it doesn’t need to be like that, Headwatch solves perfectly your problem!” Headwatch is probably right; who really keeps their phone in their pockets these days… the above are just two of many favorite lines throughout this IndieGoGo pitch.

English-Hating Grammar Nazi’s start your search for my grammatical mistakes (I am sure there are plenty of errors (run-on sentences? (these nested parentheticals are definitely not allowed))). Before you exclaim, “ELITIST!” I think we can agree if Headwatch wants us to invest, we want to understand what they are selling!

Headwatch is a LCD faced “brick” that snaps to a wristband to act as a smartwatch and when you want to talk on the phone you detach the smartwatch unit and place it on your ear with the one-size fits all clip. Review too harsh? I am just jaded because of my big ears #life. Once Headwatch is attached to your ear it ceases all it’s smartwatch abilities. Now you just have a little screen attached to your ear, so…

Headwatch’s UI is as uninspiring as the idea itself. The home screen is a cheap knockoff of Android 4.2 Jelly Bean. They even use a Serif font rather than the Sans-Serif font that is used in Jelly Bean. Oh, but don’t worry, the rest of Headwatch’s fonts are Serif. Because why would you want any sort of design cohesiveness on your device? Am I fixating on this too much? Are my expectations too high? I don’t think so. All of the fonts and images seem like they were pulled from Windows 95 clip art. As I am writing this nose-up-high, pinky out, review, I thought for a moment that this was just a joke, and these “entrepreneurs” are just kings of comedy. Don’t get me wrong, they could never stand next to Cedric the Entertainer or Steve Harvey, but this product and pitch is just so ridiculous and unfocused I am frantically looking for an answer to this madness.

There is no information on battery life other than an FAQ missing important information to what the battery actually is. Headwatch claims it will last at least two days with mixed usage of both the watch and the headset. If I declare I am a walrus am I a walrus? If there are any multiverse theorists, please disregard the question.

Screen resolution is not mentioned, actual size is not mentioned other than “light-weight” and “slim.” The items Headwatch says they will offer are a luminosity sensor, RGB strip lights, an accelerometer, a temperature sensor, and Headwatch will be waterproof (up to one meter). The creators say that Headwatch is compatible with iPhone, Android, and Windows devices (score one for Windows Phone! kind of) and will connect via Bluetooth. The vagueness in this pitch should be extremely alarming to potential investors.

A few things to the creators of Headwatch before their certain demise:

I do not want to give up the functions of my smartwatch to talk on the phone.

I would rather get cancer from my gorgeous, well-designed, smartphone

I do not want someone accidentally “Van Gogh-ing” me because they are trying to steal my watch… from my ear.

The creators of Headwatch went to IndieGoGo expecting a success story like we all hear about everyday. I don’t know what they are expecting from us consumers that get to see beautiful, innovative, drool invoking (for us tech-romantics), designs with every click of our mouse. What the idea is missing fundamentally is what technology purely represents: Progression to make life easier. We want to look at a device and immediately feel like we are one step closer to being on the bridge with Patrick Stewart. This is less a review and more an example of what not to do. We are living in a time where you can have an idea, develop that idea, design the idea, and bring that idea to life, all with the money from people who want your dream in their lives.