We expected the Republican primary to be a horror show. But we didn't know it would come to this.

If you're an Internet dweeb (like, uh, this friend we have, yeah, that's how we know about this stuff), you've already heard the legend of Slender Man. He's an evil shape-shifter that first appeared on the web in 2009, haunting several photos of children posted on a SomethingAwful.com forum. He appears as a tall, thin, bald man in a suit, striking disturbing, unnatural poses every time he's captured on film. The stories say he's responsible for vanishing children, deadly fires, and worse. The YouTube series Marble Hornets documents the havoc he wreaks on his victims.

We thought it was just a scary story. Then we saw footage of Rick Scott at a Republican fundraiser, and we thought again.



The facts are these:

Appearance

Slender Man is a tall, bald, abnormally skinny guy who always wears a suit.

Rick Scott is a tall, bald, abnormally skinny guy who always wears a suit.

The Creep Factor

Slender Man's got it.

Rick Scott's got it.

Location

We don't know where the Marble Hornets footage was shot. There's nothing to say it's in Florida, but then again, there's nothing to say it's not either. Basically, Slender Man could be anywhere at any time, including right behind you right now.

Rick Scott owns a home in Naples, but works in Tallahassee. Basically, Rick Scott could be anywhere at any time, including right behind you right now.

Mind Control





Slender Man controls the minds of his victims, who often black out, waking up to discover they've carried out unknown actions in their sleep.

Rick Scott was elected to be the governor of Florida. Cause is unknown.

Video Effects

When Slender Man is filmed, his supernatural presence alters the video to produce unnatural effects and sounds.

When Rick Scott was filmed by New Times, this is what happened:

Be afraid, Florida. Be very afraid.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

