On Tilda Swinton wearing Haider Ackermann at the 2012 Golden Globes: “The blue dress is perfect for her, because she’s so cold, she farts hail.”



On Paris Hilton wearing Basil Soda at the 2012 Grammys: “Of all the times I’ve said: ‘Wow, that’s a lot of white on Paris Hilton,’ this is the first time I’ve meant fabric.”

On Miley Cyrus bringing a homeless teenager to the 2014 VMAs: “So heartwarming. It was the first time a homeless man has accepted a VMA. Unless you count MC Hammer.”

On Natalie Portman in Lanvin at the New York City Ballet Gala, 2010: “Ugh! This red dress looks like a blood clot. Good to wear on heavy flow days.”

On Carey Mulligan’s metallic bell skirt at the 2012 Met Ball: “Mirror mirror on the Brit, why does Prada make such shit? You’re just waiting for Quasimodo to ring her.”

Who’s that girl ... Madonna unveils her youthful new look on stage in Tel Aviv in 2012. Photograph: Venturelli/Redferns/Getty

On Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Versace at the 2013 GQ awards: “This girl is hotter than a gift from Winona Ryder.”

On Madonna’s cheerleader-inspired stage outfit, 2012: “She looks like she flunked 10th grade 48 times.”

To studio guest Jennie Garth, 2012: “You look like a golden goddess, and I don’t mean what Kanye does to Kim Kardashian in the shower.”



On Naya Rivera in a plunging Michael Kors dress at the 2013 American music awards: “She looks great. Like a black python trying to swallow two kettle bells.”

On Helena Bonham Carter’s Vivienne Westwood dress at the 2011 Golden Globes: “She looks like a loofah that’s been passed around a homeless shelter … I called and described this dress to Ray Charles. ‘Joan,’ he said. ‘I’m glad I’m blind.’”

On Christina Aguilera’s weight gain and various fashion disasters in 2012: “What happened to this woman? Is there such a thing as deep-fried vodka?”

On Angelina Jolie’s 2012 diamond engagement ring, co-designed by Brad Pitt: “Not only did he design the ring, but I also understand he bought all the kids who mined it.”

Bill Murray’s 2012 Cannes outfit ... would you buy a used car from this man? Illustration: Bill McConkey

On Bill Murray at Cannes, 2012: “Bill looks like a used-car salesman from the 70s. You know the rule: if you have lived the trend the first time around, you do not rock it when it returns. Which is why you will never see me in a toga.”

On Mila Kunis in an Elie Saab gown at the 2011 Oscars: “It was so sheer, you could almost see Mila’s Kunis.”



On Taylor Swift’s perfume Wonderstruck, in 2013: “She said Wonderstruck is ‘something magical’, which for me is a bowel movement.”

On Lena Dunham in Giambattista Valli at the 2014 Emmys: “That dress has more pink than Tom Cruise saw in all three marriages.”

On Blake Lively in a black-and-white Zuhair Murad dress at the LA premiere of Savages, 2012: “It’s as if Christie Brinkley fucked a zebra. Which she NEVER did!”

Introducing a 2012 episode: “A wise woman once said: ‘Crack is whack.’ But cracks can also be a lot of fun, so let’s play: Guess Me from Behind! [A mystery bum is revealed to be Jessica Biel]. That ass is the reason we have not gotten a new Justin Timberlake album in six years.”

Train in vain ... Eva Longoria at the premiere of Moonrise Kingdom in 2012. Photograph: Tony Barson/FilmMagic

On Eva Longoria in a Versace gown on the red carpet at Cannes, 2012: “There is more pearl detailing than Paris Hilton after a three-day weekend.”

On Demi Lovato in a low-cut Lanvin frock at the 2014 VMAs: “Her boobs are so far apart, they only talk to each other via Skype.”

On Miley Cyrus’s Gaultier jacket-dress at the 2012 Billboard awards: “If it were any shorter, it would be considered earrings.”

On Joan Collins in Nolan Miller at the 1985 People’s Choice awards, from an unaired 80s special featured in the Fashion Police finale: “If I wanted to see something old and pink with white fur around it, I’d just get naked and look down.”

On Daniel Craig at the Skyfall Madrid premiere, 2012: “Look at his face. He’s only 44. The boardwalk on the Jersey Shore is holding up better than his face.”

On Matthew McConaughey in Dolce & Gabbana at the premiere of The Lincoln Lawyer, 2011: “He’s wearing a silver suit! He looks like a rectal thermometer!”