Who was this bitch? What the hell happened? I’m in love

She was a princess of France. This is...the most flattering portrait I could find.

She is described as “libertine and unruly from a young age”



She once thought that her half-sister had ruined the prospects of her Tuscan match and became, quote, “erratic”. By which I mean she started going out - unaccompanied! This was a lady that knew how to throw a tantrum!

Was this enough for her? No! She also started sleeping with her cousin. Prince Charles of Lorraine. Because of course.

And when it turned out the marriage wasn’t ruined at all? This duke of Tuscany still wanted her! Marguerite said, I presume, something along the lines of “I really don’t give a fuck” and carried on anyway.

When Italian diplomats visited to congratulate her she tried abscond and go hunting alone and had to be dragged back to court by the Duchess of Montpensier, who was presumably, a massive bore

She eventually agreed to marry the Duke by proxy, but when he sent a fleet of like, a fuck ton of ships to greet her and bring her back to Italy, Marguerite made sure her lover, Charles, was there to see her off at Marseille in front of everyone else. We stan a petty Queen!

When she arrived, the wedding celebrations were the most lavish that Florence had ever seen but according to Gossip Girl Sophia, Electress of Hanover, Marguerite and Cosimo iii saw each other and were like, ‘meh?’



Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves had more chemistry!

So Marguerite did what any girl in her position would do; she stole the Tuscan Crown Jewels and tried to smuggle them (and herself!) out of Tuscany.

Cosimo, always the ultimate party pooper, managed to stop her. At this point their relationship went from “I will sleep with you once a week” to, “I will smash a glass bottle over your head if you ever even so much as come near my chamber”

Marguerite was also horrified that these people actually expected to her to learn Italian. She told them "Bitch? No." and also, probably something like "I'm still in love with my cousin and I hate you all"

She argued with her mother-in-law about who was more important. She argued with her father in law about all the money she was spending. And she argued with her husband about the two groomsmen who spent an unsavoury amount of time in her chamber. Every damn night!

Eventually, Margeurite's former lover, Charles, managed to arrange a formal trip to Tuscany so that they could secretly reunite. The Medicis were clueless. And then they intercepted their correspondence and were like, wait, what?

So they locked her in a tower with 40 soldiers who were told to follow her every move.

They also dismissed her French staff, and Marguerite was so mad she wrote to the King of France to claim that she was being maltreated and that she needed saving. Of course, he sent a diplomat to sort things out. Cosimo hoped that this would sort things out.

Instead, Marguerite spent the whole time telling everyone that she was desperate to go back to France. The diplomat said "I hear you" and then just left. Leaving everyone incredibly unhappy.

But Marguerite wasn't one to wait for a man to come along and solve her problems. She asked herself "what's a girl to do?" and landed on the answer; "humiliate my husband at every possible opportunity"

She refused to eat anything that wasn't prepared by French cooks, she told everyone that her husband was trying to poison her, she told the Pope that he was terrible in bed and publicly blamed him for giving her smallpox, somehow

When her father in law passed away, did she stop for a moment and comfort her husband or children? Fuck that! She hated her father in law. And she knew she had to involve herself in an instant struggle for power with her mother in law

Unfortunately, this resulted in her mother in law, Vittoria, being invited on the privy council and Marguerite being...banned.

The fighting between Marguerite Louise and Vittoria became so heated that a contemporary remarked that "the Pitti Palace has become the devil's own abode, and from morn till midnight only the noise of wrangling and abuse can be heard"

Marguerite needed another plan, so she decided to try and smuggle herself out of Italy under the pretext of pretending she has breast cancer. It didn't work.

So she moved on to her next plan. Which was...flirting with the palace cook; tickling him, and having pillow fights.

Cosimo was humiliated and implored her childhood governess to come to Italy and sort things out. Marguerite asked if they were allowed to visit a nearby shrine and when she got there, she refused to return. For two fucking years.

At this point, presumably, Cosimo said "fuck it", awarded her a pension of 80,000 livres and allowed her to return to France, on the clause that she had to live in a convent for the rest of her life.

Marguerite and, probably, the whole of the Medici were overjoyed by this news. But you know who wasn't pleased? The people of Florence! They loved her! And blamed Cosimo for driving her away.

At the convent, Marguerite committed to being well-behaved and pious. For about two weeks.

She started wearing too much rouge and donning "bright yellow periwigs", she had an affair with a Count and also kept two young soldiers around for good measure.

She somehow even got herself admitted back into Court, where she gained the reputation of a "Bohemian" and was so unruly that she was excluded from everyone's memoirs.

Cosimo still watched her every move, and every time she did something he didn't like, he wrote to the King to complain. Louis initially tolerated this and then the letters became so frequent he began replying with something along the lines of "new number, who dis?"

Marguerite then fell out with the Abbess of the convent she was supposed to be staying out, threatened to kill her with a hatchet and a pistol and formed a nun-clique against her. She was moved to a new convent.

Although she promised to return to Florence as soon as her husband died and take power to form a new government, she actually essentially ended up taking over the running of this convent, which she called her "spiritual brothel"

She lived just a few years after this and was allowed to buy herself a house as she became iller with old age. She died shortly after her son who she described as "the only child of mine I care for"

(she had two other living children)

You can follow @kittywenham.

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