You turn on the TV.

You settle to watch whatever favorite show you want to rot your brain on.

The commercials come on.

AND NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD!!! Some movie you saw in the theatre 5 months ago! Go buy it now! You get a 2-disc special edition directors cut unrated super awesome 10% more absorbent with novelty item such as book ends, a plush doll and a copy of one of the frames from the film for the low price of your dignity!!

That’s right, DVD releases. I have no problem with movies being released onto whatever movie format is current. VHS, DVDs, Blu-Ray, Beta Max, AVI, whatever.

What I have a problem with is how they are adding a bunch of extra features and deleted scenes.

Extra features are great…but how many times do you actually look at them? Not often is my guess. I have looked at the ‘special feautres’ on a few DVDs I own, and really, they are all crap. Things like pictures from the movie, ‘The Making of…” commentaries, so on and so forth.

Now I’m pretty sure some of you like those sorts of things, but some of you also think the sun orbits the earth.

What’s worse than special features, is the deleted scenes extra they add. A deleted scene isn’t usually deleted because it’s the best thing ever! It’s deleted because it is sub-par, adds little to the story, and generally wastes a minute of your life.

Also a lot of DVDs have the deleted scenes as something you watch separate from the movie. Which means if you have a short attention span (most of you humans), then it will be out of context, or won’t be as interesting. Some movies do give you the option to include the deleted scenes while watching the movie. They’ll do one of two things. Expand the story giving you more insight into what is going on (doubt it). Or add scenes you probably won’t remember being excluded from the movie in the first place.

The worst offenders of the deleted scene additions is the movie companies that release a DVD with ALTERNATE ENDINGS!

The movie was released into the theatre with ONE ending. Hopefully the BEST ending. I still find it amazing that a movie would have different endings to pick from. Generally I am going to buy a movie if I liked it. If I liked it, then why would I want to see an alternate ending? I liked the ending I saw. You don’t see any other media that purveys a story having alternate endings.

You don’t see the book ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ being released with alternate endings. You don’t see magazines release articles with different endings. The stories inscribed on the walls of the pyramids have no alternate endings!

What was really bad was some horrible B movie I saw on DVD that had at least EIGHT alternate endings! YES EIGHT! it was almost the most retarded thing I’ve seen on DVD. That fact, and that it was a horrible movie made me completely forget what it was called…but shit, 8 endings?

It’s like choose your own adventure for movies. Except you don’t get to choose your own adventure, you get to watch a movie, and see other things the director thought would be better than the original ending because he wanted to show off that his director lessons were worth it so there!

So when you buy a new DVD, what you get is a movie you enjoyed, wrapped in a steaming pile of poo. Sometimes with a side of alternate poo.

Pro tip: Watching alternate endings gains you diddly and squat.

Fun Fact: Hitler wanted an alternate ending to things, and you see how that turned out.