Since opening its Government Street location in Mid-City, fast-food chain Captain D’s singular mission has been to prove to Louisianans that they’ve been incorrectly preparing seafood for hundreds of years.

“Seafood is our passion; nay, our sole expertise,” Captain D’s CEO Philip Greifeld said, “and we want to show Louisiana how it’s done. No more will seafood be flavorful or fresh, but as tasteless and rubbery as nature intended.”

Greifeld contends Captain D’s “experts” have been working toward the “perfect formula” for fish and shrimp since its inception in 1969.

“The key is keeping it frozen for weeks, if not months,” Greifeld explained. “This soaks out all the unnecessary flavor and consistency. Then we deep-fry it long enough to the point you can’t tell the difference between the meat and hush puppies. Then we salt that bad boy up, and it’s ready to be served to our ever-discerning, loyal customers.”

“Seafood is our passion; nay, our sole expertise.”

Skeptical Louisianans, however, have yet to warm up to the new eatery.

“This is a mob front, right?” technician Elise Mirrin asked. “That’s the only explanation for the store. They got tired of building Arby’s around town and just threw up this place to keep us off the scent.”

Other residents, enamored with anything new built around town, have been more forgiving.

“I’m not sure what I’m eating, but that’s OK,” unemployed car salesman Paul Avents said. “I figured, since they took the time to build the place, might as well humor them for at least a month.”

But the less-than-welcoming reception hasn’t discouraged Greifeld, who plans to build at least five more locations around the Greater Baton Rouge area.

“We want to fill the fast-food void many residents are experiencing, especially those sick of that satisfying feeling they get from eating a seafood po-boy, like the ones offered at copious restaurants around town. We think that it would be better without all that French bread and those mouth-watering spices.”

When asked how his restaurant is different from Long John Silver’s, Greifeld replied, “Frankly, I’m not sure. I didn’t even realize it was a separate fast-food chain.”