alright guys

just got commissioned to tell the story of the holy grail

by sexy action hero Chuck “The Joy of Killing” Manslaughter

but here is the problem my friends

THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF DUDES WHO ARE LOOKING FOR THE GRAIL

AND YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE

so for the next week or so

I am going to be telling you EXACTLY who those fuckers are

starting RIGHT NOW

with Percival

alright so Percival right

some people call him Parcifal or whatever

but those people have speech impediments

anyway this kid is the youngest son of this dude King Pellenor

(this shit is going to be RIFE with hyperlinks in a couple weeks)

and let me give you a quick rundown of Percival’s family tree

King Pellenor:

DEAD

His brother Tor:

KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE

his brothers Aglavale Lamorak and Dornar:

DITTO

his mother:

FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

she is like shit man

I am dishing out sons like clean needles to heroin junkies

SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP

oh I know

how about I raise my remaining son AS A WOMAN

THEN HE WILL NEVER BECOME A KNIGHT

DING DING PERFECT

so percival gets raised as a woman

he learns how to crochet and knit and embroider

and not use swords

and tuck in his balls

except then one day he is playing dolls with his sister

and he hears some shit going on outside the castle walls

and he is like WHOA WHAT IS THAT

and he climbs up and sees some fucking KNIGHTS

and he is like hey hey mom

what the fuck are those things they look AWESOME

and his mom is like uh er oh

those are angels

clearly

you get to be those when you die

so Percival runs over to his sister

and he is like hey sis

i need you to do me a favor

kill me with a rock so i turn into an angel

GREAT JOB PROTECTING YOUR SON FROM HARM SHITTYMOM

but luckily his sister is like ew no

what

and Percival is like FUUUUUUCK FINE

and proceeds to just sneak out of the castle

for the first time ever

to go see what these knights are all about

so he runs up to the knights and he hides in the bushes

which scares the shit out of everybody’s horses

and the knights are like WHOA HEY

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS

ARE YOU GAY SON

IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE

and percival is like what

i expected angels to yell less

and the knights are like SON WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

WE ARE KNIGHTS WE MURDER SHIT

and percival is like oohhhh okay

so i’ve been lied to by my mom i guess

hey can I also be a knight?

and they are like WELL NO YOU’RE STILL LIKE 12

BUT COME HIT US UP WHEN YOU GROW PUBES

YOU CAN TOTALLY BE A KNIGHT AT THAT JUNCTURE

so percival goes back home

and his mom is like where the fuck were you

and percival is like nevermind that

as soon as I am a man i’m gonna be a knight

LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKED UP PROTECTING ME WOMAN

and his mom is like fuck shit fuck

but then she’s like no calm down shittymom

you can handle this

all you gotta do

is keep telling him he’s twelve years old

FOREVER

HE’LL TOTALLY BELIEVE ME WHAT A FOOLPROOF PLAN

so she proceeds to do this for YEARS AND YEARS

until Percival is 16

which is the agreed upon age

at which dudes can just start murdering each other

at which point some random asshole knight

just shows up

kicks down the gates of the castle

and prepares to rape the shit out of Percival’s mom and sister

and percival shows up

remember

he is still wearing a dress

and the evil knight is like WHOA YOU ARE AN UGLY BITCH

and percival is like am i really

and the knight is like SHIT YEAH TARTNUGGET

and percival is like could a really ugly bitch

pick you up bodily and throw you over the castle walls

such that you EXPLODE INTO SEVERAL PIECES

and the evil knight doesn’t say anything

because it is hard to say things when you are exploded into pieces

so then percival unties his sister and his mom

and he’s like hey mom

i think i might be an adult now

i mean i just murdered a dude and everything

but his mom is like no son that wasn’t even a big deal what you just did

and percival is like well what about my moustache

and his mom is like no son that is a skin disease

and this creates for percival some SERIOUS BODY IMAGE ISSUES

and then some MORE time passes

and one day percival and his mom and sister are all knitting or whatever

and a fucking COCKATRICE shows up

GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT A COCKATRICE IS?

I BARELY EVEN FUCKING KNOW

SOME KIND OF LIKE

PARALYZING ACID BIRD?

DOES IT TURN YOU TO STONE?

DOES IT MELT YOU?

IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU TRUST THOMAS BERGER

OR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS

AND I WOULD NOT TRUST THOMAS BERGER WITH ANYTHING

HE IS AN EXCEEDINGLY SKETCHY GUY

but anyway it doesn’t matter

because percival just tears a TREE out of the ground

turns it into a spear

then THROWS IT INTO THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S EYE

and while the cockatrice is like crying and bleeding acid

percival turns to his mom and sister

like guys

i think i am probably a man at this point

that felt pretty manly what i just did

and his mom is like NO SON THAT WAS JUST A DOG

and percival is like BITCH I HAVE SEEN DOGS BEFORE

I AM GOING TO GO BE A KNIGHT NOW SO JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT

and he leaves

and presumably

since he is no longer at home to protect them

his mom and sister proceed to get eaten by a fucking chimera

so the first thing that happens on the road

is percival is walking along

STILL IN A DRESS MIND YOU

HE DID NOT THINK TO TRY AND LOOT SOME MANCLOTHES

FROM THE FUCKING CASTLE HE LIVES IN

anyway he comes across a tinker

and he’s like dude what’s good

and the tinker is like HAHAHA YOU FUCKING SODOMITE

and percival picks him up bodily and shakes him a little

and then is like dude i just need to know where to sell my clothes

which are made of gold and silk and shit

and the tinker is like uh well oh

just give those to me

and i will give you my shitty wagon full of worthless tin

and also this donkey I ride around on

and percival is like CAN DEALS GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?

so the tinker goes off to sell the fuck out of percival’s shit

and meanwhile percival makes some shitty armor out of all the tin

and then he makes some shitty weapons out of the wagon

and then he can’t even ride the donkey cause he’s too heavy

meanwhile the tinker gets arrested in the next town

because everyone is like you total prick

i bet you stole that shit

but then it’s ok because percival shows up

and is like guys it’s cool he’s not a thief i’m just stupid

and everyone is like oh ok

let’s believe the dude with the potlid for a hat

THUS PERCIVAL RIGHTS HIS FIRST WRONG

PERCIVAL: ULTIMATE KNIGHT?

anyway then pretty quick after that

he finds a damsel in distress

she’s chained up in a shack

and he just snaps the chains by kind of looking at them funny

and then the evil knight who put her there shows up

and is like ok dude

you look like a fucking clown

so here’s what we’re going to do

you tell me some jokes

and for each one that is funny

i will give you a gold coin

and then for each one that is not funny

you get to eat some shit from my horse

sound fair?

and percival is like how about I kill you instead

and the knight is like NOT FUNNY

LET ME GET SOME HORSESHIT FOR YOU TO EAT

and then percival is like dude now you have shit on your hands

you’re going to die with shit on your hands

that’s embarassing

and then he proceeds to kill him and take all his possessions

BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM

all of that evil knight’s possessions

INCLUDES that damsel in distress

and it turns out that damsel is bitch of the year TEN YEARS RUNNING

she is constantly complaining about the dust and the heat

and gnats and flies

and like the lack of color television and bullet trains

but percival is such a nice dude

he just keeps trying to make her happy

while she tries to make him AS MISERABLE AS POSSIBLE

but at least when they bed down for the night

after forcing percival to build her a shelter

and then sleep outside in the rain

in his armor

WHICH IS THE ONLY CLOTHES HE HAS

she does invite him inside and have sex with him

although to be honest percival has no idea what’s going on

he’s just kind of like whoa what

what are you doing

stop moving around so much

whoa now

hey there

WE HAVE DIFFERENT SHAPED GENITALIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THEM

and then the day after

when some piece of shit lesser knight

who is somehow from the round table

insults percival and then tries to kill him

and percival just kind of snaps his arm in half

this worthless bitch of a damsel is like welp

this guy is clearly more of an asshole than you are percival

i guess I better start fucking HIM now

and percival finally doesn’t have to deal with her shit anymore

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE HAS NO SHIT TO DEAL WITH

no pretty much this whole story

is a great big deluge of shit

a torrential downpour of feces

laser targeted on percival

but luckily

PERCIVAL SEEMS TO BE MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF UMBRELLAS

anyway the next thing that happens

is percival is like about to get to camelot

when Lancelot sees him

now see lancelot is out in the orchards of Camelot

boning the shit out of King Arthur’s Wife Guenevere

(more on that later)

when he sees Percival wearing that sweet armor

that he stole from that other prick earlier

but see the problem with this armor

is that on the shield

there is a picture of a unicorn MURDERING A LION

GUYS I DIDN’T KNOW UNICORNS COULD MURDER LIONS

SUDDENLY I AM WONDERING ABOUT OTHER THINGS

CAN CUPCAKES BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF DINOSAURS?

CAN RAINBOWS MURDER THE PRESIDENT?

anyway Lancelot actually has two problems with this picture

problem one: Lancelot’s favorite animal is Lions

problem two: the unicorn reminds him of his erectile dysfunction

so BOOM

suddenly it is fight time

here are our contestants:

Lancelot

greatest knight in the world

versus Percival

dude who just stopped wearing dresses yesterday

BUT GUESS WHO WINS

YES IT IS PERCIVAL

BECAUSE THIS IS A STORY ABOUT PERCIVAL

I WILL TELL YOU STORIES WHERE LANCELOT WINS THINGS ANOTHER TIME

yeah i don’t know how he does it

i mean it’s not like he has sword training or anything

the closest he has is embroidery training

and that isn’t close at all

but he somehow manages to just romp and stomp Lancelot

up to the point where he fucking knocks the sword out of Lancelot’s hands

at which point Percival is like whoa timeout

and Lancelot is like what?

you’re not going to kill me or anything?

and Percival is like dude you were winning

i think you just accidentally dropped your sword or something

and Lancelot is like I LIKE A DUDE WHO PLAYS TO MY BRUISED EGO

COME LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO KING ARTHUR

so lancelot takes Percival over to Arthur’s place

and Arthur is like who is this asshole

and Lancelot is like his name is percival

you should just go ahead and knight him right away

trust me

and arthur

who is pretty senile at this point in the story

is like yeah sure whatever

and he knights percival

and then percival is like sweet so i’m a knight now

got any quests?

and arthur is like hm shit

we kind of ran out of quests

back when I ERADICATED ALL CRIME IN ENGLAND

basically what all the knights are doing now

is looking for the Holy Grail

i’m not even entirely sure what that thing is

or where it is

or even if it exists

but they’re all out looking for it

basically because there isn’t much else to do

so how about you do that?

and Percival is like THAT SOUNDS AMAZING

and THAT is how Percival starts questing for the Grail

So the moral of the story

is you should make all your male children wear dresses

and lie to them repeatedly about their age

it will make them THE ULTIMATE FIGHTERS

THE END