(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we’re bound to lose some friends along the journey. We’ve asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is Nathan Caddell, a Vancouver Canucks fan and journalist, fondly recalling the 2016-17 Boston Bruins.)

By Nathan Caddell

Let’s go back to 2011, shall we?

Back to biting, back to Rolling in the Deep.

Oof.

That still gives the chills, doesn’t it?

I was born and raised in Vancouver, and after cheering most of my life for two Swedes, I moved to Ottawa. For the past two years, I’ve been unable to resist the charms of a new, highly evolved Swede.

If you can’t beat ‘em…start cheering for another team and hope that they do the job, you know?

In truth, this doesn’t feel as good as I imagined it would.

These Bruins aren’t your older brother’s Bruins. Sure, this team has remnants of that classic Boston Sports Team Grit™ — which no other Boston team has actually had since Pedro was throwing heat and old men. But it’s not the good kind.

You were scared of those 2011 and 2013 teams. They were big and fast. They had actual defensemen.

This team gave 28 playoff minutes per night to Zdeno Chara’s corpse.

It’s kind of sad watching him mill around the ice like a massive zombie. You wish he‘d pulled a Nick Lidstrom a couple years ago instead of sticking around as a constant reminder that we’re all slowly marching towards our impending death.

Speaking of which, John Michael Liles already having a son in the league logging bottom pair minutes for the Bruins is crazy. Kid doesn’t seem to have his old man’s offensive touch with only seven points all told, but maybe he’ll get there.

And before we start on the whole “Torey Krug and Brandon Carlo were injured!” train; let’s remember that Adam McQuaid (also injured, I know, consider it a positive thing) was fourth on this team in ice time for defensemen during the regular season.

McQuaid, in the NHL solely for his ability to get pucks off the glass and out (MAYBE HE CAN TEACH THE REST OF THE TEAM?), has cast some sort of spell on Bruins fans. That’s the only way to explain headlines like this.

I feel sorry for those fans. I really do. They’ve got to be the same ones that cared enough to figure out the difference between Millers Colin and Kevan, beyond the fact that one of their lives was ruined by their parents’ refusal to spell Kevin the normal way.

And while the defense was a complete train wreck all season, the team’s ability to constantly churn out “scrappy” forwards to play on the bottom six is unprecedented.

Once in awhile they turn out to be Olympians. More often, they turn out to be players like Sean Schaller and Tim Kuraly, guys who, despite their insistence on being taken seriously, reek of mediocrity.

And yeah, I switched their first names, just to see if anyone would notice. Don’t lie, you didn’t.

Schaller earned a reputation in the series for being hard-nosed and feisty, by doing tough guy things like trying to intimidate a guy who barely flinched after getting his finger chopped off.

Methot lays a hit on Acciari, then they exchange words, then Schaller steps in, Methot throws a punch. Methot, Schaller to the box. — Boston Bruins (@NHLBruins) April 18, 2017





As for Kuraly, it seems like he’s already in a rift with his new coach, going so far as attempting to bludgeon him with the puck. That’s the only possible way to explain this, right?

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Riley Nash is fun to have in the league because when someone drafts R. Nash in your hockey pool you can be that asshole who says “Riley Nash??? On Boston??? LOLOLOLOL.”

Dude managed to let Bobby Ryan get the best of him.

Even Kevin Lowe didn’t let that happen.

Then there’s the guys that shouldn’t be in the bottom six given what they’re making, but their current skill levels necessitate it.

Say what you will about Loui Eriksson’s season, but signing a guy a year older than him who can’t play the style of hockey that made him effective for the same amount of money per year does not constitute progress.