WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!” said the commander in chief, who had angel dust all over his face and was covered in scratch marks as he ripped off all his clothes, dashed across the National Mall, and dived headfirst into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool after dozens of Secret Service agents failed to restrain him. “I’ve been awake for 172 hours, let’s try to see that fucking virus try to get me now! Grah! Why even worry about the virus? The real thing you gotta worry about is these scorpions crawling around inside your skull!” At press time, Dr. Anthony Fauci respectfully pushed back against the president’s claims, saying that there had been no trial evidence indicating that phencyclidine was an effective means of treating Covid-19.

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