Ah, the surprise penis, one of life’s delightful gifts. From children’s books…

to America’s national parks…

to Captain Kirk’s weapon of choice…

the subliminal phallus lurks around every corner to spring at you. It’s so easy to spot an unexpected tallywhacker that there’s an entire website dedicated to the sport. As a result, we have to have a set of ground rules or our Top Ten list would end up a top thousand.

RULE #1

The penis has to be a surprise. It can’t be placed there with the consent of the publisher or editor. So Moebius’ “HORNY GOOF” and everything Heavy Metal ever published is out of the running.

RULE #2

Our competition must include an unmistakable example of the uncovered form. As surprising as this package is (from Alex Ross’ cover of JSA #7), it is too shy to include.

RULE #3

No metaphors that any amateur psychiatrist could point out. Sometimes a flaming sword held between the legs, is just a flaming sword held between the legs…

RULE #4

No euphemisms. We’re looking for imagery, not double entendres. Even if it’s where Howard the Duck comes from…

So with our rules straightened out, it’s time to grab hold of this idea and see if I can’t get a rise out of my regular readers. We present:

SURPRISE PENIS! THE TEN BEST MOMENTS OF UNEXPECTED MALE GENITALIA IN The world of COMICS AND CARTOONS!

#10

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR SIPPY CUP

This was part of a series of cups available at convenience stores to promote Disney characters a few years back and it’s meant to be filled to the brim with something slushy. Obviously there was someone who had to approve the design. Obviously, that same somebody must have noticed the look on Buzz’s face, grinning down at the unsuspecting thirsty kid who puts his lips on the space-suited nozzle and starts to suck liquid from the end. Obviously this person no longer works for Disney.

–

#9

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE EARLY YEARS

This slipcover reprint of the Simon and Kirby Golden Age Captain America comics included a number of historical firsts. It was the first slipcase reprint that Marvel had done. It was the first time the Simon and Kirby run on their classic character was reprinted in full, and oh, yes, it was the first time anyone ever saw Bucky’s rascally hoo hoo.

Published in 1990, it was almost immediately recalled and reprinted, as some unknown scribbler in the production department decided to draw Bucky’s member on the yellow printer’s plate on page 184. He (or she) also doodled some other things in yellow, but I’m betting the star-spangled sausage was the primary reason for the reprint of the book. After decades, we finally learn why Cap is rushing to save the lad on almost every cover of the Golden Age.

#8

The Punisher Shape Shifter POWER Pistol

Unlike the Buzz Lightyear debacle, at least the folks at TOY BIZ that approved this bundle of joy had the excuse that it wasn’t MEANT to look like a surprise penis.

But give any transforming toy to a young lad, and he’ll find a way to make something sticking out between the thighs in about eleven seconds.

#7

LOBO’S BACK!

This was painted by the very manly SIMON BISLEY back when Lobo still sold comics for DC. If you’re wondering how you can spy Lobo’s “howlin’ wolf” from this angle, it’s because you’re not supposed to be looking at his crotch. It’s supposedly on his arm, but if you can’t see it, it’s because you’re not a gutter-brained perv…

Biz claims this was an accidental elbow-penis, and it’s just naturally how the skin around your over-developed funny bone looks when you’ve turned into a hermaphroditic space alien. If that’s what Bisley says, I’m not going to argue.

#6

THE HOVERBOY LIGHT SWITCH FACE PLATE

Vigilance Comics’ most popular Golden Age character, Hoverboy, was known for his exciting power to hover as much as his exciting power to get sued fairly often (much more about this fascinating character from comics history here and here). Amazingly enough, this astoundingly inappropriate faceplate did not result in any lawsuits whatsoever, but the building where it was manufactured was set fire to by an irate mob.

#5

TALES FROM THE CRYPT #29

This is one of the best of the surprise penis genre, because there’s no gray area here. It’s not just a surprise penis, it’s a full out aroused surprise penis, penetrating a willing female’s genitalia, and no one noticed it for decades. I didn’t mean to offend the delicate sensibilities of my readers , but there it is up above, delineated by the legendary Joe Orlando.

Of course, you can’t see it when it’s in small and in color…but when Russ Cochran reprinted the old EC comics in black and white large-size editions in the 80s, this piece of hidden naughtiness emerged in plain site. It’s over on the drapes in panel four…

The EC artists did this sort of dirty joke in the margins from time to time, and never expected to get caught…right up until these damn comics became oft-reprinted classics. There’s a lesson in there for you kids. Don’t excel if you’ve got a naughty streak.

#4

COURTNEY ROSS’ SURPRISE MUTANT POWER FROM EXCALIBUR

When you name your comic book after a famous, long, shiny sword, you knew the surprise penis was going to happen quickly.

According to Alan Davis, who drew the sequence, Chris Claremont’s original script didn’t call for this scene to reek of lesbian foreplay, but Davis said it felt like a seduction when he read it. Claremont’s script didn’t call for the sucking of transmorphing dink-fingers on Kitty’s bed, either, but Davis clearly saw that as well.



It might be icing on the ends of the fingers going into Courtney’s and Kitty’s mouth, but what you’re witnessing is actually Courtney’s other mutant power. Her fingers transform into a schlong just before getting past anyone’s lips. It’s her version of transubstantiation, I guess..

#3

The He-Man Adventures Castle Greyskull

I said we weren’t looking for double-entendres, but “He-Man Adventure Castle” is what I call my own Mr. Happy when the wife’s not in the room. However, it’s not the sly name of this toy that leapfrogs it onto our parade of peenies, it’s the not so subtle bulgy bits by the back turret.

I know He-Man is an impressive super-hero, but that thing’s about four stories tall. WAIT! This place belongs to his arch enemy. I’m thinking the whole misunderstanding is about envy…

#2

Mickey Mouse: Bladid

I have no idea when this was done, what BLADID means, or anything to do with any of this, but it’s making me understand Euro-Disney a little better. This image is an internet favorite, popping up on anti-Disney websites, Christian protest sites, and one or two homophobic homepages. It’s all supposed to prove that Disney has some sort of agenda one way or another, but I’m damned if I can figure out what is going on.

Oh, yes I can. It’s Mickey holding a Smurf’s dick. And if you’ll notice, there’s a ring around it to keep it going for hours. Excuse me, I have to go wash my hands.

#1

The Little Mermaid Castle Dildo

Arguably the most famous surprise penis of the last thirty years. It’s an urban legend that this image exists, and I’m here to tell you it’s real. Contrary to popular belief, it was not created by a disgruntled employee, nor was it even intentional. According to the original artist (who has remained nameless all these years for obvious reasons) it was late, and he was working quickly when creating this iconic image, and what was supposed to be just another spire in this magical castle, sprouted a circumcised helmet, veins and a lovely round set of balls by sheer coincidence.

When this undersea version of a He-Man Adventure Castle was spotted by a church group shortly after the home video box was released, Disney redrew this famous image to remove the infamous spire. I believe the original artist did it by accident, why not? And Disney never fired him or reprimanded him in any way, apparently. He was actually promoted to head of the sippy cup design department shortly before Buzz Lightyear’s first movie…

There are COUNTLESS more surprise penis moments in the world of cartoons, comics and toys…I have a thick, bulging file of these that I’ve collected over the years, and I encourage you to play this game at home. Don’t even get me started on the surprise penis events in the world of science fiction and fantasy….wait, that might be another top ten list!

Ty the Guy OUT!

Here now, your BONUS comic book surprise penis!



