If you have spent any time on Twitter, Reddit, BigSoccer, or any number of other places where US Soccer fans can interact you may have noticed certain themes. I’m here to make sweeping generalizations about many of them and fit everyone into neat little boxes. I’m sure this will go really well.

Pro/Rel Truthers

This clan of brave warriors is convinced that US Soccer is a sleeping giant ready to be roused by the threat of relegation. Got a soccer related problem? Pro/rel is the blindingly obvious solution. Pay to play? Pro/rel takes care of it. US isn’t producing enough high level players? The clubs aren’t incentivized enough to develop them and pro/rel would change all that. Poverty and hunger? Pro/rel would provide an endless supply of jobs and food for any country that institutes pro/rel.

Mortal Enemy: Alexi Lalas

MLS Fan Boys

This group gets mightily upset when “Euro dust” is sprinkled on a player and he magically becomes better. (ie – Perry Kitchen moves to Rangers and starts getting national team call ups) MLS has come a long way and is still improving. The DA has been around for a decade now and the players being produced by MLS academies are getting better all the time. All these arguments and more are ready at the drop of a hat. After all, the US is a unique sporting environment and just because the rest of the world does is differently doesn’t mean we have to.

Group Champion: Alexi Lalas

The Conspiracy Theorists

This is one of my favorites. SUM is doing Michael Bradley a favor and helping him win MLS Cup so he can cash in on that extra guaranteed year of his contract. Berhalter must call in rosters made up of at least 70% MLS players and gets paid bonuses if a certain number of MLS players are in the starting lineup. All these theories are freely available if you spend a moment browsing one of the above mentioned virtual soccer think tanks.

Mortal Enemy: Don Garber

The Eurosnobs

Possibly the oldest and most venerated of the niche fan groups. These are the guys/girls that couldn’t possibly be bothered to watch an MLS game because, “The standard is too low, mate. They don’t even know how to lace up their boots and get out onto the pitch properly.” They’ll argue to the death about the 2. Bundesliga being a higher level of play than MLS and there’s no changing their mind. Frequently caught using British slang in posts while their profile reveals they were born and raised in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Group Champion: DeAndre Yedlin – he plays in the Premier League so he’s OBVIOUSLY our best right back.

The Tactical Know-it-alls

“Actually, Zubeldia is the one that gave Marcelo Bielsa the idea to…” This merry band of fans thoroughly appreciate Michael Bradley. They will patiently (or not so patiently) explain that most people just don’t understand what a six is supposed to do when playing “juego de posición.” You will be immediately referred to Spielverlagerung and told to have patience. Gyasi Zardes doesn’t need to score because he’s reading the space, making the right runs, and helping the team.

Mortal Enemies: Bruce Arena and Jurgen Klinsmann

Look at the magnificent positioning

The Everything Sucks Brigade

This troop is a ton of fun at parties. They will gladly tell you how poor the US is at soccer and how much further the real “football countries” are ahead of us. There’s just not that much talent on the US team and that’s the reality we have to deal with. US fans overrate the talent on the team and frankly the guys coming up aren’t any better than players we’ve had in the past. Look at the roster from the 2007 U20 World Cup. The guys we have now aren’t even as good as they were. *starts sobbing and runs away*

Mortal Enemy: Red from Shawshank Redemption

#PlayYourKids

The players we have coming up are like nothing we have seen in the US before. The development academy is doing its job and we have prospects all over Europe. Did you see Alex Mendez’ left-footed strike last week? I hear there’s 14 year old in the NYRB academy that’s a can’t miss prospect. Once these guys are done with the Olympic team they are going to integrate seamlessly into the senior team and then…watch out. 2022 may be a little early, but the 2026 World Cup is going to be in the sweet spot for our “Golden Generation.”

Mortal Enemy: Gregg Berhalter

Did I miss anyone obvious? See yourself in any of the stereotypes?

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