If the Mill learned anything from the most recent and now firmly welded shut transfer window it was to always keep the receipt. Paul Pogba, Álvaro Morata, David Luiz … you get the picture. The Mill didn’t quite learn five things from the window – it’ll leave that to the proper journalists – but it did spot one or two other trends developing. Firstly, the preposterous proliferation of everyone’s favourite new oxymoron, the Club Record Undisclosed Fee, or CRUF as it will from henceforth be known. And secondly, loan signings at a bargain-bucket price up front, with an “obligation to buy” after a certain number of appearances.

Now the Mill can’t be the only one whose brain is screaming “SETH JOHNSON” as just one of the potential problems here, but who is the Mill to argue? Loopholes need to be found after all. And the next to jump through one, into the great unknown, is let-the-ball-do-the-work’s Cesc Fàbregas, whose lack of mobility will simply not wash with Antonio Conte. So Fàbregas is off, on loan initially for €3m, not forgetting the “obligation to buy”. Milan will be his destination, Chelsea have even verbally agreed the January. So long Cesc.

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However, neither CRUF-ing nor obligation to buy-ing can be considered bona fide transfer market strategies until Daniel Levy endorses them, and for the time being the Tottenham manager still has his head buried in the B-list England international bucket. Wilfried Zaha passed him by but Ross Barkley is now in his sights and he’s willing to offer the next Gazza £100,000 plus, of course, a new sunbed. Spurs are also in the hunt for Argentinian striker Lucas Alario, who penned a new contract over the summer with a €18m release clause that has also caught the eye of the suits at both Liverpool and Inter.

Liverpool could also have had Thiago Alcântara a few years back according to Brendan Rodgers, who has simultaneously revealed the extent of his scouting programme by admitting that when he was in the Anfield hot seat, he had an eye on “the midfielder who signed for Bayern”. “I had hoped to try and get him to sign for Liverpool,” continued Brendan. “It’s understandable he signed for Bayern.” Yep.

Supporters will console themselves that Jürgen Klopp looks set to pinch Axel Witsel from under the noses of Everton though after the Belgian midfielder’s summer move to Juventus fell through.

Elsewhere, t’is the season for new contracts … Pepe, reclining in pram and armed to the teeth with toys to throw, wants one at Real Madrid, Arsène Wenger has moved on to hypnosis in an attempt to convince Mesut Özil and Alexis Sánchez to sign theirs, Adam Lallana is hoping for a new one after Adding Goals To His Game and Stefan de Vrij is ready to pick up the pen and put it to paper at Lazio, thus shunning a £21m move to Chelsea.

Finally, the window may be shut but Uncle Mike’s altruism still knows no bounds – Newcastle have splurged £250,000 on an Alan Shearer statue outside St James’ Park.