Boris Johnson found dead in a ditch

In Memoriam

The body of the UK Prime Minister has been discovered in a ditch near Whitehall, this morning, according to reports.

Johnson had pledged to end his life in a shallow trench if his demands to leave the EU on Halloween were not met, and it is feared he may have carried out his threat despite no right-minded person thinking he was serious.

Forensic experts arrived at the scene in the early hours and estimated the cause of death to be asphyxiation.

It is believed Mr Johnson’s may have suffocated after paying close friend – a Mr Mark Francois – to sit on his face.

Mr Francois told reporters:

“I did what any normal patriot would do under the circumstances.

“For a small fee, I agreed to sit on the Prime Minister’s face until the breath left his body and his soul departed. His opinion was that this would be more reliable than vodka and pills.

“I did provide the Prime Minister with a safe word, which was ‘Brexit’, but sadly I can confirm that he did not use it, though I confess to being a little deaf.

“It’s possible he may have changed his mind at some point, although we’ll never know as I never asked him again.”

Conservative Party Spokesman, Simon Williams, added, “The end would have been peaceful. Mr Johnson would have felt himself passing down a long, dark tunnel, at the end of which there may have been a light.

“It all depends on whether Mr Francois was yawning at the time.”