Melbourne fans and their staff will travel to the mystical city of Perth to watch their team play this weekend.

I’ve been to Perth a lot over the years and have already been over there three times this year due to a complicated parole order.

It has plenty of parking for your jet, the variety of cheese on offer is acceptable, and the Chairman’s Club at the airport is a welcome refuge from the public.

Just like the majority of Eastern states’ media coverage of the West Coast Eagles, my guide is light on insight and facts. Here’s what you need to know:

‘Perth’ is located in a country called ‘Western Australia’ so named because it is located to the west of Australia

It is basically a giant open cut mine

A coffee costs about $17 in Perth

The biggest tourist attraction in Perth is the ‘Colin Sylvia basket’

Western Australia is at war with sharks and is losing

Optus Stadium is so loud, during games you can’t even hear Victorians complaining about bias.

Apart from mining, other major industries include Little Creatures beer and… that’s it actually

The two tallest structures in Perth are Josh Kennedy and Jack Darling

Residents of Perth are referred to as ‘Persians’

Perth is one of the most isolated cities in the world. The movie Mad Max: Fury Road tells the story of a group of Western Bulldogs fans making their way to the 2006 Semi Final against West Coast.

The most popular hobby in Perth is booing

Never try to introduce a mining tax in Perth

Unlike Melbourne, Perth has a pleasant climate with regular bouts of something called ‘sunshine’

A large number of residents in Perth have English or South African ancestry but are still nice people

Perth is often referred to as the ‘Gateway to Rottnest Island’

Despite media reports, you don’t need vaccinations for cholera and typhoid

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