The Light Within

Why I did not report….

Many simply feel as though If you do not report then that means it must not have happened…

According to outdated cultural standards that sadly was the case yet even in todays society the victim is victimized when she or he does decide to report.

From infancy to even now as I write this, I have been abused. Many of the abuses I have not reported, as I felt “Well, if it kept happening, What did I do to deserve it.” My mother (Biological) use to say “If you didn’t look like the way you do they wouldn’t want you more.” And for many years, and to this day I fear the mirror more than men.

I use to beg God to change the way I looked.

After being adopted, I thought I was finally safe from the abuse of being sold by my biological mother. I was wrong and I was abused again. Even though a child doesn’t know what they should do, they do know right from wrong and No one helped me. I felt alone…

To whom do I report as a child who was trafficked before by her own mother? I had told a teacher once, but when they saw that I lived in a big house, had nice clothes, and lived in wealth the teacher did nothing. Social Services did nothing.

In my eyes there was only emptiness and my blue eyes stayed green. My eyes only turn green now when I am in pain. Every night I would hear the foot steps, I would smell the whiskey and weed…. I knew what that meant and I knew it was time. He would come in at night. I would listen to the Deliaha station at 7 and Celine Dion came on, that voice of that angel gave me hope. She was singing in French but her voice made me feel hope inside. Her songs came on every night around that time he would come in and I would listen with silent tears streaming down my face praying that she knew she was saving a soul. At such a young age, Hope is all you have.

Once I turned 13 years old, I thought my birth mother had changed and I was able to see her again. She took me to a fair and showered me with care and love. We had a great day and I thought thank you God finally my mom sees me as more than a cash grab for her addictions. But as the day turned to night once again history repeats.

I wrote this poem to express what happened:

Mother

Mother oh mother how much I needed you so much more. Oh god mother why would you bring me to the beach to watch the sun go down if you knew all along. As the hours burn I can see her watching me begging to be let free… Oh mother couldn’t you see you were destroying me?! As i glazed over in hopes you would save me, you watched while snorting this white dust. I laid and wondered was this all I am? Oh Mother how could you not see all I needed was love and peace?! Instead I get to live in misery watching you sell me for a pack of dust, was I not good enough mother? Was I never enough? Oh mother my mother why couldn’t you just let me be… Now when I look at me all i see is the dust and pain. Oh mother my mother why couldn’t you just love me? Was I nothing but dust in your eyes? Oh mother my mother didn’t you know that even with all of this I still loved you so?! - Mel

That night I saw a cop and I ran to him for help; all he did was say, “Well why were you out this late go home”

My mom (adopted) came to get me and We didn’t speak the whole ride home. Once again, I went home broken, silent. Feeling unworthy and torn inside. My soul felt damaged and destroyed. Somehow I knew I had a purpose and that hope came from the music of Ms. Dion and I knew that I can make it and not be a statistic.

That was one thing I knew I wanted. I wanted to prove no one can completely break my soul and I knew I wanted to help others who felt lost and unheard.

As time went on my mother moved us to Florida and I thought, “Wow! No man is near; I’ll be okay!!.”

My mother left me there. In the apartment. By Myself. My grandma would come by and check on me every day.

Yet somehow my father still found me and he came down to Florida and tried to kick in the door. Terrified and knowing what he is capable of I hid under the bed crying and shaking. Someone had called the cops and when they showed up he left.

For Hours I couldn’t move; petrified even when the cops and neighbors came and checked on me.

Then one day my Mother had enough and moved me closer to her. For one year going on two almost I finally felt safe and felt loved.

I had been enrolled in a private school and rode the bus with this boy and his sister. He use to smack my butt and call me names. I begged him to stop and told him I didn’t like it. Then one day my best friend and I were walking by the lake and The boy and his friends must have seen us because they waited around a secluded area until we walked by and they jumped us.

I managed to get them off of her and shouted for her to run to safety. They ripped my clothes off. Finally my friend got my “god” mom who use to take care of me when my mom left… a lot. My God Mom drove her range rover on the lake grounds towards them and scared them off. But, it was too late. They got what they wanted…

When she drove me home she asked what happened once again I shut down. I had no words. I said nothing. I felt like it was my fault and heard my real (biological) moms voice in my head saying “If you didn’t look this way no one would want you.”

After that happened we moved to a bigger house next to my grand parents and I was so happy. I got my son (adopted) when I was 16 going on 17 and I thought life will get better. Even through he was colicky and teething I loved every min of it. I still went to school and worked while he was in daycare. And I had actually met friends.

One friend of mine had a party and I met a guy whom seemed nice. He was a prep school kid too. Even though I felt like I didn’t belong there we had become friends over the next year and a half. On the night before my 18th birthday He came by to talk I let him in. My son was sleeping in the other room, so I asked him to hold on; I needed to get my phone so it didn’t wake my son but, He followed me anyway. I didn’t even hear him when suddenly I felt him start grabbing me asking “Why are you a lesbian?” Like it was wrong.

I asked him to stop and told him to get out. That’s when he got mad and threw me around. I begged him to stop and fought back but then he knocked me out.

When I woke up I was tied to my bed, all I could think about was protecting my son so I didn’t scream. He raped me then kissed me and said “Happy Birthday.”

Since then I do not enjoy my birthday. No one would help me report him because he had money and his father was a judge… Today he is still out there.

Before I graduated High school, I had to leave because the boys who hurt me on the lake kept bullying me calling me a slut, whore, and wrote “die N**** lover” on my locker with a noose tied in it (my mom is black). They pushed me into stuff and pushed me down school steps. I begged the teachers for help but the kids were rich I was there on scholarship. Their parents paid to help make the school bigger so they turned a blind eye.

One day in English, They were throwing spit balls at me and calling me a N**** (I am white). I asked the teacher “Do you hear this?” he said no and told me to sit down. They continued tainting me and I snapped.

After years of their abuse and the negligent teachers I couldn’t take it anymore and I got up and started beating the kid with their desk. They kicked me out of school and let him stay. The boy from the lake got to stay.

I went to night school with my son and graduated with him right next to me. When I was 19 I adopted my Daughter (My sister had them but neglected them so I took them in knowing how that felt).

I had a full ride to Valencia College in Orlando and was ready to go. But I found out my aunt was dying of Cancer in Tampa. So I left that behind to be there for her. I went to school, worked, took care of my kids and had met great friends.

When she passed away a a part of my soul died with her. She was always there for me and stood up for me when no one else would. The lights went dim in my life.

Then my grandpa needed me by his side so I left to go to him and he passed away in my arms. When he died my grandma got cancer and died 6 months later. My whole heart was broken and I knew was getting sicker and sicker but I kept ignoring it. My mom needed me to be strong and so did my kids.

At one of my jobs my boss always acted weird near me. One night I had to stay late and he came in and asked “Do you want more money on your check?” And I said of course what do I need to type up for you… He then proceeded to pull his pants down and say “Well you are sexy; you know what you can do.”

I went to leave but he was over 200 lbs. Once he was in me I started to think of that Celine song.

Of course I left that job because who the hell would believe a paralegal over an attorney.

A year past by and nothing happened. I thought to myself “Okay, I can do this.” I later found out my best friend was killed by her ex. The same person she begged the cops to help her with and they did nothing: She was a beautiful woman of color. She was more than my friend she was my sister, she was always there for me and the kids no matter what. She made me feel like a person again and accepted me for who I was, even as a lesbian.

After that I went numb. I felt like God hated me.

Someone in my family owed a drug dealer money so she sold me and my daughter to pay off her debt. They broke into my house and I pushed my kids into the room and told them “Even if I scream do not open the door.” They robbed me and raped me. They tried to get to my little girl and I fought so hard to keep her safe.

That man was arrested.

Since then, it has only been a few years. I have not been touch. But I am so scared all the time. I feel nothing. I feel like a whole person. Music has saved my life!!! When I said I got sick I really got sick. I had to have surgeries and Now I can never have a child of my own, but I am so blessed for the ones I do have.

This is why I say YOU are not alone! There are people like me who care and can deeply and truly understand.

Celine, Cher, Rosie, Bette Midler and Kathy Griffin have saved me. Their music, their humor, their true souls resonating through. I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t have a sense of humor from them and music from my angel. One day I truly hope to thank them!