1.You're not fat!

I am fat. It's just a descriptor. If I'm calling myself fat, I have accepted my awesome chub; please do the same.

2. You have such a pretty face.

I know. I also have a banging body — it just happens to be bigger than what you're used to being told is attractive. Now, let me do a shimmy for you so you can understand my sexiness.

3. Oooh, let's go to Bebe!!!

I cannot fit into anything at Bebe. You probably can't fit into anything at Bebe. I don't think Bebe herself can fit into anything at Bebe.

4. Do you really need that candy bar?



No, but I'm gonna eat it anyway. And?? No one needs a candy bar, but they're goddamn delicious. Do you need a lesson in semantics? (See what I did there? Not impressed? OK, never mind.)

5. You'd look better if you were healthier.

You're right. Let's work on that. Do you have any openings in your private medical practice next week? Oh, you're just a really health-conscious barista? That's funny because my real doctor says I've had the best blood work she's seen all year. Oh, it doesn't take a doctor to see when someone isn't healthy? Guess that medical degree must be worthless then. Hold on, let's call her together and tell her. It's always good to have support when hearing bad news. (Bonus: Even if I were unhealthy, it's NYOB.) (And I would still look damn good, trust.)

6. Ugh, I'm so fat.

Don't talk about being fat around a fat person when you are not fat. It's obvious you're using the term to address your body negatively and that sucks for two reasons: (1) Don't talk shit about your own body; the outside world does that enough. And (2) if you think you're fat and you're roughly half my size, what do you think about me? That I'm Obesetron McFattenstein? Don't answer that.

7. Have you ever tried INSERT EXERCISE HERE? Have you ever heard of exercise at all? Do you come from this planet?

Yes, I know how to walk — that's where you lie on the couch and eat pizza and watch Scandal, right? JK, YES, I KNOW WHAT EXERCISE IS. I practice yoga, I swim, I love Zumba, and yes, I do know what a gym is. (It's that place you buy doughnuts, correct? JK, GOT YOU AGAIN!)

8. Oooh, can I borrow that skirt sometime?



Uh, if you want to wear it as an oversized cape? Sure. And again: Stop pretending we are the same size. I'm starting to think you need glasses and/or some sort of prescription medication.

9. Have you lost weight??

No. No, I have not. And if I had, maybe it's because I'm deathly ill — so don't comment on other people's weight. Just don't.

10. You know, Atkins worked for my aunt.

That's great but I'm not interested in being on a diet, and if I were, I would just do it. I don't need your help, and if I did, I would ask. Make no mistake: The reason you can't see my browser history is not because I'm looking at the dirtiest porn on the Internet, but because my bookmarked pages consist of every diet you've never even heard of. Atkins? Child's play! Try the Melba toast diet or the cabbage soup diet! You'll feel like a hydrogen blimp being propelled forward only by your own farts. Dieting sucks and it doesn't work, and I've stopped that B.S. I just want to be happy and healthy, and one of the best ways for me to do that is to not stress so damn much about my weight. So please stop.

11. I am just trying to help.

Don't. I'll ask for help if I need it but when you just start offering advice, I don't feel cared for. I feel humiliated. Plus, I love me just the way I am and hope you do too.

BONUS:

12. You should be a plus-size model!

Actually, I like that one. Thanks!

Follow Laura on Twitter.

Laura Beck Laura Beck is a Los Angeles-based TV writer and frequent contributor to Cosmopolitan.com — her work has appeared in the New York Times, New Yorker, Jezebel, and the Village Voice.

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