The Rockies need a babysitter.

Real baseball managers need not apply.

So the interview process began with Tom Runnells, who did a bang-up job as the bench coach of a Colorado team that lost a franchise-record 98 games.

If the Rockies want to stay in-house for this hire, the inspired choice would be Todd Helton as player-manager.

Helton loves Colorado. He hates losing. His post-game interview sessions would be more entertaining than wrestling a bear. And filling out a lineup card would give Helton something to do all those days his aching back prevents him from manning first base.

The Rockies have a problem. The reason Jim Tracy quit as skipper is also why no thinking man would want this job at any price.

For better or worse, major-league operations director Bill Geivett is the man behind the curtain pulling all the strings. So the perfect candidate is probably less like Ryne Sandberg and more like Cookie Monster. Colorado needs a puppet to sit in the dugout.

What the next manager of the Rockies will do is wear a uniform, chew on umpires, spit seeds and take blame for every seven-game losing streak.

It’s not the ineptitude of this baseball team that’s so disturbing.

It’s the blind commitment to the Rockies’ way.

Franchise owner Dick Monfort knows 2.5 million fans will show up merely by opening the gates to Coors Field. So why would he ever spend good money on a starting pitcher again, when general manager Dan O’Dowd espouses the built-in excuse that climbing the mound at 5,280 feet above sea level is as daunting as scaling Mt. Everest?

The Rockies don’t need a manager.

All this ballclub requires is somebody to pick up the mess left in the clubhouse by O’Dowd and make certain this next generation of Kid Rocks is showered and in bed by 11:30 p.m.

Hey, the team might stink, but it’s easy on ownership’s wallet.

Why waste $1.4 million in salary expenses for somebody like Jason Giambi or a manager who might actually have a mind of his own?

The Rockies should be able to find an awesome babysitter for no more than $15 hour.

Mark Kiszla: 303-954-1053, mkiszla@denverpost.com or twitter.com/markkiszla