When a young member of the church came out two years ago, the pastor was forced to re-evaluate his policy. The man, in his 20s, had been baptized in the church and shared a father-son bond with the pastor. “Since he grew up in the church, you understand how you can love a person and still hold firm on your beliefs,” he told me.

I could see he was torn — his humanity wanted to be welcoming, but his religious beliefs made him feel he had to draw the line.

“To some degree you have to find out what is in the person’s head. Is the person thinking, ‘yes I’m wrong,’ or is the person thinking, ‘the church is wrong and needs to change?’ I’m constantly in prayer about it,” he said.

He talked about a time in his younger years when he wouldn’t hold a conversation with a fellow worker because the man was gay. “I didn’t have a problem working with him, but from what I was concerned I never wanted to be his friend. We never hung out after work or anything like that.” I’d always thought of the pastor as open-minded: I knew he mostly supported liberal Democrats, had voted for President Obama and was involved in community activism. I’d seen his progressive streak. In his own family, when a close relative came out as bisexual, he did not change his relationship with the young woman.

My friend believes her father’s increasing openness and comfort with homosexuality come from personal contact with these loved ones.

Growing up in the church, I’ve sat through many sermons on homosexuality, where pastors preached the words of the Apostle Paul:

“Paul talked about it and he said neither shall the effeminate inherit the kingdom of God,” a typical sermon would go. “When you research the word effeminate, it means a man that’s acting out feminine qualities. That would be one of the biblical reasons why it’s a sin. The other example is Sodom and Gomorrah.”

My views are very different.

Since I was a teenager I’ve had a circle of close gay friends. I was in high school the first time a girl opened up to our group about her homosexuality. There were five of us hanging outside a friend’s house. “Y'all,” she said, “I’m gay --” That simple. It surprised us because she always seemed to have had a boyfriend. We were teenagers, and barely understood how sex worked between a man and woman, so were curious about the intimate things she and her girlfriend did.