More Than Just a Failure



Will A. Sanborn



11/26/96



"Do you understand what is going to happen Todd?"



"I think so Dr. Jensen," the fox-morph forced out, his breathing labored, his implanted intelligence much more than would be expected for his young age. His physical age was also older than his few weeks in existence, his body gown to young adulthood, but marred with severe imperfections.



Looking down at the fox, his body a melding between the human and animal forms, the human research scientist let out a barely-audible sigh. His face a mask of stoic composure, he watched the fox's forced breathing, laying there vulnerable on the hospital bed, an array of tubes and wires keeping him from death's reach and monitoring his feeble existence.



"Ever since you came out of the tank three weeks ago Todd, we've been trying to fix whatever went wrong in the growth process. I don't understand it, things should have been perfect with all the tests we'd ran. You were the first fully-sentient morph to be created, but before that we had several batches of perfect runs. The program should've been flawless..."



The medicines flowing through his system dulling the pain by some measure, the fox lay there vulnerable and helpless as his mind worked through the fog of the drugs and the pain to take in the full meaning of the human's words.



"We've tried everything, gone through the computer logs line by line, and we think we've found what caused it. There was a small error in one of the gene sequences, barely noticeable, but hiding there it was able to do drastic damage to your systems."



"We think we've fixed everything to try a new run, and the simulation results look very promising. However Todd, that unfortunately doesn't help you. We've tried to fix the damage with those operations, but that didn't work" his eyes trailing briefly over the long scars running down the fox's abdomen, the bruised flesh marring the downy white of his belly fur.



Pausing briefly, he continued "There's just too much damage and it's too wide-spread to be able to fix it. We could keep you alive for a few weeks longer, maybe more, but for what purpose? You've been through hell Todd, and for that I'm sorry... now all that's left is to end your suffering" his face darkening as he finished.



"You mean you're going to let me die?" the fox asked weakly, the tone in his voice suggesting both fear and relief at the thought of his final release.



"Yes Todd," the human said, his voice hollow as he prepared to go through with the plan. Reaching into a pocket in his lab coat, he retrieved a syringe and a small bottle. Still holding onto the folder containing the latest simulation results in one hand, he stuck the syringe into the bottle, filling it with the clear liquid.



Forcing his composure steady, he briefed the fox as a doctor would tell a patient the effects of a simple anesthetic, his voice detached from the reality of this final treatment. "This is a drug that when administered to your bloodstream will stop your heart... fairly quickly, it should take less than twenty seconds. There shouldn't be any pain, it will be like falling into unconsciousness, not so different from drifting off to sleep. Do you have any questions before I proceed?"



"Yes Dr. Jensen," the fox coughed, spitting a bit of blood from his mouth. "What happens to me after that, do I just fade away to nothingness, is this all there is for me?" his body trembling as he looked up at the human, his eyes wide with fear of the unknown.



Sighing again, this time a little louder, he struggled to answer the fox's question, seeing his helplessness and fear. "I don't know Todd, there are some who believe that there is someplace after this life where we all go, I don't know if I quite subscribe to that philosophy though. You may have been cheated out of a long and pleasant life in this world, but perhaps you can find a better one somewhere else. All I can promise you is that you'll be free from your suffering and the pain will be over... I know I probably owe you more than that, but it's all I can give you."



The silence stretched out between them, the fox's labored breathing and the low pulsing of the heart monitor the only sounds to cut through the still air. Finally, his eyes clearing, if only by a slight amount, the fox spoke. "All right, I think I'm ready" then pausing, he added "though could you do one thing for me?"



"What is it Todd?" he replied, feeling his conscience burn at the fox's sad eyes reaching out to him.



"Could you please hold me while you do it? I just need to feel someone's touch at least once when they're not examining me, just strong and warm to send me off..."



Blinking, he hesitated just briefly before answering, "of course, I can do that for you," his voice sounding suddenly awkward.



Sitting down on the side of the bed and placing the folder of results behind him, he helped the fox up to a sitting position. Placing his arm awkwardly around the fox's back, he felt his skin come in contact with the matted fur, and the bones concealed just beneath the surface of the morph's thin body.



Resting the fox's weak head against his shoulder, disregarding the small smear of blood left of his coat where the morph's muzzle came in contact with it, he moved his other hand to bring the syringe to the IV tube in the fox's arm. Hesitating, he looked down at the pitiful creature he'd helped bring into this world.



Brushing his hand lightly against the fox's head, he spoke softly to him, his voice choked. "I'm sorry Todd... I never meant it to be like this... we didn't know... I'm sorry."



Forcing his gaze upward, the fox replied weakly "I know Dr. Jensen... but please, just get it over with... please let me go."



"Okay Todd," he replied, his eyes stinging as he fumbled with the syringe. "Please call me Brian..." he added as the last vestiges of his guise of professional stoicism ebbed away.



"Thank you, Brian" the fox spoke softly as he watched him depress the syringe, forcing the lethal agent into his veins, then sinking against him for support.



Bringing his other arm against the fox's frail body, he let the syringe fall from his grasp. Holding onto the fox, he felt the morph's tortured breathing become slower and more even, then dying out completely in a matter of seconds. Even as the steady ring of the heart monitor pronounced the patient dead, he held onto his silent body, pressing it against his own, the tears finally released and streaming down his face.



The minutes flowing on, the sobs wracked his body as he held onto the remains of what had been more than just a failed experiment. His arms clenched around the furry body he shuddered with emotion, only a small part of his conscious mind aware of the relief that he'd chosen to euthanize the fox alone.



The sobs finally ebbing away, he eased up on his grip of the fox's body, letting him slip backwards onto the bed. Shivering slightly at the cold eyes looking up at him, he reached out to gently shut them, leaving the fox looking at peace, his suffering finally ended. Turning to stand and leave the room, he nudged the folder laying on the bed behind him, spilling its contents on the floor.



Looking down at the simulation results strewn across the floor and aware of the body of the fox beside him, he became transfixed once again. Holding his head in his hands for support, he felt fresh tears begin to run down his face, another wave of emotion washing over him.



