Love! Valour! Compassion!

written by Terrence McNally



Buzz: If this were a musical, that would be a great cue for "Steam Heat." "Really, Buzz, it's fine." "I've got ding! ding! steam heat!" Of course, if this were a musical, there would be plenty of hot water, and it would have a happy ending. Life and Gregory's plumbing should be more like a musical: Today's Deep Thought from Buzz Hauser.

Perry: Musicals don't always have happy endings, either.

Buzz: Yes they do, tha's why I like them, even the sad ones. The orchestra plays, the characters die, the audience cries, the curtain falls, the actors get up off the floor, the audience puts on their coats, and everybody goes home feeling better. That's a happy ending, Perry. Once, just once, I want to see a West Side Story where Tony really gets it, where they all die, the Sharks and the Jets, and Maria while we're at it, and Officer Krupke, what's he doing sneaking out of the theatre?-- get back here and die with everybody else you son of a bitch! Or a King and I where Yul Brynner doesn't get up from that little Siamese bed for a curtain call. I want to see a Sound of Music where the entire Von Trapp family dies in an authentic Alpine avalanche. A Kiss Me Kate where she's got a big cold sore on her mouth. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum where the only thing that happens is nothing and it's not funny and they all go down waiting-- waiting for what? Waiting for nothing, waiting for death, like everyone I know and care about is, including me. That's the musical I want to see, Perry, but they don't write musicals like that anymore. In the meantime, gangway, world, get off my runway.



Kudos and much thanks go to Face5090 for this monologue, it is very much appreciated.