It’s a common misconception that women without children are just like other people. Wrong! Childless women choose not to have children deliberately to make moms feel uncomfortable with our choices. It’s time we take a “pregnant” pause and ask the question: Are childless women safe?

I had cocktails with my co-worker recently, and, being the caring and sensitive person I consider myself to be—qualities a mother has naturally—I wanted to get to know her better. When I asked her if she had any children, she said “No.” This was an awkward moment because I spit out my drink all over her, but also because I saw my co-worker for who she really is: childless, and currently putting me in danger.

After many drinks, I was riddled with questions I felt were my responsibility to ask. Questions like: What do I say to my children when they meet a woman who is childless? How do I explain to them that some women walk the earth without ever raising a child? How can I protect my family from worrying about the well-being of childless women? Can I refer to them as “childless” out loud, or will that make them slip and fall to their deaths? Before I could let my seemingly innocent friendship with my co-worker develop any further, I came up with a few safe assumptions:

Childless women are jealous of moms.

This is an obvious one. Childless women are just jealous of mothers because they know in their marrow that they don’t have what it takes to be a mom; namely, a living and unhaunted womb! This rampant jealousy is the only rational explanation for their criminal activities, psycho cults, and hatred of all juvenile Homo sapiens. It makes perfect sense! Their jealous rage will ultimately drive them to an act of self-harm.

Childless women hate all children.

Believe it or not, women who opt out of having children do so because they not-so-secretly hate kids, due to some repressed childhood trauma. Remember that with every encounter your childless friend or co-worker has with your kids, they are silently seething with hatred and probably leaking bile onto their internal organs. What are they thinking?

Childless women have more time to become dangerous criminals.

Women usually have reasons for not having children. Whatever their reasons may be—whether it’s a demanding career or simply because their womb was cursed by a witch—they’re just not spending any time raising children, which leaves them with excess leisure time. That leaves a lot of time for criminal activities such as using illegal drugs and participating in organized crime, for all we know!

Childless women are probably in a cult.

It’s safe to assume that childless women are likely part of some extremist cult that celebrates their bizarre life choices. Only some kind of weird mind control could keep a woman from the incredibly natural urge to procreate and mold a young person in her image. Keep this in mind if you allow your children to interact with these women. Kids are extremely impressionable, and you want to avoid questions about “where Debbie went” when she dies in a mass suicide. Children are extremely delicate and good.

In conclusion, childless women are not safe at all and should be treated very differently from mothers, because they are different. A mother knows best!!