He downed eight beers, typical for Mr. Moriarty, a laborer who spent most of his life in Australia’s rugged outback. Then he left for home with his dog by his side.

NY Times - Dusk was falling on the sweltering hot day of Dec. 16, 2017, when Paddy Moriarty went to the Pink Panther, the only hotel and bar in this tiny, dusty town, to end the day with his usual round of drinks.

He was never seen again. Neither was his dog, a kelpie named Kellie.

The authorities suspect foul play and have been treating the case as a homicide, with every single person in Larrimah — all 11 of them — being probed for clues.

If you like murder as much as I do, I encourage you to read this entire piece. It’s a fascinating case, and the victim might be one of my favorite victims of all time. The setting: a tiny, dusty town of 11 inhabitants in Northern Australian. The suspects: the local baker, the bartender, and a gardener. The crime: MURDER. Possibly. He may have just disappeared. Nobody knows! Wow.

By all accounts, Paddy Moriarty didn’t take no shit from nobody. At the ripe age of 70, he would end his day at the Pink Panther by downing eight beers. That might not sound like a lot to your typical binge-drinking hardo who doesn’t keep track but keeps track and had, like, 16 drinks last Saturday. But it sounds like Paddy has been drinking his eight beers, every day, for decades. And that’s a man who stands by his routine, liver be damned.

We know that he absolutely hated the baker, Fran Hodgetts:

Mr. Moriarty and Ms. Hodgetts were neighbors who often clashed, the police said. He lived directly across the main road from the Tea House, and several people in town said it had annoyed him when her customers parked on his property.

Ms. Hodgetts told investigators that Mr. Moriarty regularly taunted her. He often called her “the bush pig,” a name that caught on with some of her neighbors.

One can see how being called “the bush pig” might rub Ms. Hodgetts the wrong way. She certainly had a motive. What’s more, in a fantastic display of pettiness, Moriarty put up a massive sign on his front lawn claiming “Larrimah Hotel Best Pies In Town.” Hodgetts tea house was known for its pies, but Moriarty wanted to drive customers to the only other establishment that served pies.

It’s important to note that these pies are meat pies, not the fruit pies we know and love here in America. The reason this matters is that some people have been joking that Moriarty ended up in the mincer at Hodgetts’ tea house and was then served to patrons as the filling in the meat pies! Straight out of Sweeney Todd! God I love it.

Then we have the gardener, Mr. Laurie. Known as a foul-tempered man, Hodgetts testified that Laurie had an altercation with Moriarty just days before he disappeared. Apparently they almost came to blows but were stopped when Laurie couldn’t climb over a small fence to attack Moriarty because, you know, he’s 71. Might be time for a hip replacement.

Mr. Simpson, the bartender, is the final suspect. A notorious drunk, Simpson was also volatile. However, it stands to reason that Moriarty interacted with Simpson every single day. Hard to imagine why he would continue to frequent the Pink Panther if he hated the bartender, right? Sure, it’s the only bar in town, but I have to assume they were able to speak civilly to each other. Simpson is safe with me.

My verdict? Hodgetts the baker. She had the clearest rift with Moriarty. Also, meat can be expensive and what better way to disguise meat than in a pie? If you happen to have eaten at the Tea House in the weeks following Moriarty’s disappearance, it’s likely that you carried him with you for a time. If not in spirit, in your large intestine.