Fortunately, there is a simple solution to this problem, one that, based on their stated views, both Mr. Obama and Mr. Romney might support, along with anyone else who answered “no” to my two opening questions.

Congress should amend the Defense of Marriage Act to replace the sentence I quoted earlier with the following: “Wherever the word ‘marriage’ appears in any federal statute, replace that word with the phrase ‘domestic partnership between two people valid under the laws of the state where it was obtained.’ ”

I am not a lawyer, so I will not try to spell out all the details of how this would work. But here is a rough outline of a plan: In my ideal world, all states would follow the federal lead. The legal unions that are now called marriages would be called domestic partnerships, which would be offered to same-sex as well as heterosexual couples. But if some states are unwilling to enact such statutes, same-sex couples who live in those states could simply go to a state that does offer same-sex domestic partnerships, and would then be treated as such by the federal government, with all the attendant financial benefits and responsibilities. Companies can choose the state in which they incorporate, so couples should have that privilege, too.

Marriage, of course, would continue, but would no longer be regulated by the government. Instead, weddings would become like many other important ceremonies from graduations to funerals: private matters. (Conservatives may applaud now.)

And anyone who believes in freedom of religion should support this proposal, because religions would have complete freedom to decide their criteria for marriages. One church could decide to marry only heterosexual members, while another might choose to marry only same-sex couples who are Cubs fans. Our founding fathers would be proud.

IT is worth remembering that interracial marriage was still against the law in some states until a unanimous 1967 Supreme Court decision declared such laws unconstitutional. The case, Loving v. Virginia, was brought when the police entered the bedroom of the wonderfully named Mr. and Mrs. Loving, hoping to find them engaged in sex, also against the law for mixed-race couples at that time.