WHO: Rochester Rhinos, 18-10-1, 1st in USL Eastern Conference

WHAT: The USL Eastern Conference Finals

WHEN: Saturday, 7:05 post meridiem Eastern Standard Time

WHERE: Sahlen’s Stadium, 460 Oak Street, Rochester, New York 14608

WATCH: With us at Against the Grain! Some other folks are going to be at Saints to pull a double header with the US vs. Mexico game later in the evening, and that’s a good time as well. But if you can’t make it to bars because you’re hiding from the Law, then you can watch the match here:



WHO, AGAIN? I had a tough time figuring out how to approach this match. Numbers? Here’s an infographic:

Rochester is the best team in the league. They held opposing teams scoreless 13 times this season. THIRTEEN TIMES. They only gave up 15 goals. FIFTEEN GOALS. City gave up 34. I could make fun of their scoring record, but their 42 goals was better than five other teams in the East, and when you only give up FIFTEEN, scoring isn’t really that important.

I could make fun of their invisible fans, which is easy, but even with imaginary friends for supporters, the Rhinos still won the regular season championship with ease.

I could, and have, bashed them for their defensive style of play, which, to be fair, is not very much fun to watch. Unless, of course, you’re some kind of masochist, which probably goes with the territory if you live in Rochester. But that no-fun soccer got them results. Ugh.

Instead, I’m gonna let Urban Dictionary do my job for me:

rochester a piece of shit city full of deutche bags who think they are hard but are really a bunch of herbs. people in rochester generally like to suck on hockey sticks smotherd in gravy and cheese for fun. it’s national past time is talking shit about new york city sports teams because their city sucks so bad at everything. the weed in rochester is terrible and so are the women who are only attracted to guys with IQ’s lower than 65. guy 1- hey man, do you want to go to rochester this weekend? guy 2- nah thats ok why dont you just kick me in the nuts instead. by brockport student June 27, 2011

More like Urban Encyclopedia, or maybe Urban Atlas, but the point remains the same. Louisville is awesome, and Louisville City is awesome. Our brand of soccer is so much more entertaining to watch than the boring-ass Rhinos that I’ll be okay if City goes up to that hellhole and lose as long as we look like us. Rochester is like an American-made family sedan: dull and efficient, even if you paint it green and yellow. City is like a Lotus: it might catch on fire while you’re in it, but at least it looks cool and is super fun to drive.

Give me the Lotus. Give me the goals, give me Matt Fondy’s hair and MAG RAM and Burke and Dacres flying up the right side while Kique Montano winks at the crowd while he tries to do a ball trick over the opposing midfielder. Give me Juan Guzman’s engine and Aodhan Quinn’s set pieces and Niall McCabe’s smoldering, Hephaestian fire on the left. Give me that. It will take the Royals’ best game to beat the cagey, cro-mag, cynical Rhinos. If it works, it might be one of the best third division soccer games ever played. If it doesn’t, at least we stayed true to ourselves and went down swinging.

So bring on Duba and Volesky and Brandon Miller and the rest of Rochester’s bag of hammers. City’s got a team full of samurais with katanas; let’s see if they’re sharp.

COME ON, CITY.