ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The gauntlet has been thrown down to the nation’s latent psychopathic murderers today after the CSIRO released figures that suggest the rate at which the nation is making podcast series’ about violent horrible crimes is outstripping the number of those crimes committed each year.

Speaking today in Canberra to awaiting journalists, Robert Bloomfield from Australia’s peak scientific body explained that the current rate of consumption is unsustainable.

“One of two things needs to happen for this current ecosystem to continue on at its current rate,” he said.

“Either we start limiting the number of six-part investigative podcast series Australia makes each year or we start producing more violent, unspeakable crimes. As our nation’s thirst for these types of podcasts is only growing, we recommend that people who’ve once been curious about what it’d be like to kill someone, go out and try it for the benefit of the nation,”

“If we as a nation start murdering more people in an extremely sadistic fashion, our wellspring of potential content will never dry up.”

The CSIRO’s call to arms has piqued the interest of one local Betoota Heights man, who told our reporter that he’s toyed with the idea of kidnapping and murdering someone for quite some time but has always been able to exercise a little bit of self-control.

However, Miles O’Hoolahan said now that the federal government is urging him to make the transition from relative normality to one of an out-and-loud serial killer, he just might take the leap.

“Yeah, interesting,” he said, rubbing his crotch.

“I’ve thought about like stabbing someone in the tummy, watching the life escape from their eyes. But for ages, I always thought I’d get judged pretty harshly by society for doing something that I just have this indescribable urge to do. Like some perverts and cross fit,”

“But yeah. It’d negatively affect my future if I murdered a couple people, that’s for sure. But if my murders ended up as a super-cool six-part investigative series that questioned whether I was guilty or not, that’d be so mad. I’d like to get some Walkley-awarded journo to do it, like Barry Cassidy after ScoMo sacks him for telling stories outside of class. That’s my dream.”

More to come.