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If you would like to wake up angry, please follow my guidelines, and you should be able to wake up in a bad mood every day. Please pay attention to the details in my list. If you do not adhere to my recommendations you may slip up and wake up happy. Now, is happiness what you really want? A life filled with joy, and gratitude. Of course not, so stick to my list and you can wake up angry. And if you are diligent you can be angry all day!

Fifteen ways to wake up angry

1. Eat processed food with a high sugar content. Make sure to not drink any water all day, so your body and your brain have no reserves of energy to deal with stress.

2. Do not set any boundaries. Say yes, whenever you are asked to do something. Be on another committee? Sure, would love to organize a winter carnival. Bake 12 dozen cookies for the staff meeting in an hour? Sure, I love to bake.

3. Make sure you do not get enough sleep. Stay up really late watching re-runs of your favorite TV show. Don’t look at the clock, go to bed when the sun comes up.

4. Do not ask for help in the kitchen. Do everything yourself. Play the victim. But, you must not enjoy what you are doing. Don’t think you are being kind, think angry thoughts, and be resentful.

5. Make sure you harbour resentment. While you are scrubbing pots, and clearing the table, think angry thoughts, like, “Am I the bloody maid?”

6. While you are picking up all of the toys in the living room, do not get your children to help you. Let them play video games while you clean. Do not smile, keep thinking negative thoughts about yourself.

7. Allow your children to turn up the volume of the television while you are vacuuming up the popcorn they spilled. Remember to think angry thoughts, but do not say anything. You must keep your anger inside, if you want to wake up angry.

8. Do not take care of yourself. Do not exercise, or stretch. Waking up with a sore back, and a few extra pounds will help you wake up angry on a daily basis.

9. Never completely clean the kitchen, wash a few dishes, but make sure the kitchen is dirty when you wake up. You want to wake up angry, so leave yourself a mess to wake up to.

10. Don’t every do anything for yourself. Do not sign up for the class at the gym, or go for a walk with the dog. Make sure you are just cleaning up after other people. Deny your feelings, this will keep anger festering inside.

11. Do not rest. Do not take a few minutes to read a book or take a nap. You don’t matter, others are more important.

12. Isolate yourself from your family and your friends. Do not share your feelings, or seek help. This step is very important, if you truly want to wake up angry everyday. Do not ask for help, ever!

13. Don’t brush your teeth, or wash your face, or take care of yourself. Always put others first. Make sure your husband, or your children go to the dentist, but don’t make an appointment for yourself.

14. And my personal favorite, to guarantee waking up angry, is to go to bed angry. It is very important to not listen to any advice about taking care of anger before you go to bed. Give the devil a foothold, and he will help keep you angry.

In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26-27

Remember, to wake up angry every day, you must not do anything for yourself.

Keep your feelings inside, and never seek help. Oh yes, and eat that doughnut for breakfast. Who needs protein or fruit or vegetables anyways? Not anyone who wants to wake up angry.

Oh, yes, number 15. I really only had fourteen ways to wake up angry. I made a mistake when I painted the sign. I won’t forgive myself when I make mistakes. I will be critical of myself, and angry when I mess up. There, that should keep me angry all day now.

Blooper Photograph #1 See number #15

The sun is starting to rise, did you wake up angry today? Oh, and please share this with your friends. You wouldn’t want them to wake up happy, now would you?