Out of all the articles of this wiki, this one stands alone, comrade.

For the month of October 2008 it was chosen by a popular

vote to be a shining example of all that is right about /tg/.

Ergo, this article is awesome.

Y'know, every time I read the core book for an RPG, they always have an example of play. Usually goes like this.

"Here is an example of play that doesn't get into the rules (we'll leave that for a later chapter) but rather demonstrates roleplaying. The DM is Chris, John is playing Urthden, a human fighter, Giles is a dwarven barbarian, Gwen is an elven ranger, and Billy is playing a human wizard! They've just come to the entrance of Malik Hur, a terrible tomb of a lich that was buried eons ago!



Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!

Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it . . .

John: And that stones move when water touches them! Brilliant! Alright, I'll go and grab some water from that creek that Chris mentioned earlier—"



And on and on in perfect harmony. Who has ever REALLY played a game like that? ITT we write more realistic game session transcripts.

Example 1 [ edit ]

DM: You're at the crypt. There's a door.

John: I open the door.

DM: Can't – there's no handles or anything.

Billy: I fucking break it down, then, I thought it was implied if the door doesn't open the first time we BREAK IT DOWN.

Giles: Hey, hey can I lockpick the door?

DM: We—

John: No, you're a goddamn barbarian *snort* – that, that's like me rolling to cast Magic Missile.

DM: Hey! HEY! Pay attention. Anyway, the door's made of stone.

Billy: I can break stone.

DM: What?

Billy: I can fucking do it, I have a magic +1 hammer, it doesn't break.

DM: So you're going to spend all day hitting a chunk of stone with your hammer.

John: Yeah, and by my measurements, if my calculations are correct, and assuming this door is, like, two feet thick, it'll take thirty-two hours to bust down, we can do this.

Giles: Hey, hey, hey, I have an axe, I can, I can help!

Billy: No, no you friggin' can't, it's a plain axe and you made a shitty barbarian so, like, you'd make it worse.

DM: Look, maybe GWEN might remember that interrogation— Wait, where's Gwen?

Billy: She showed up one game and hasn't come back. You've been playing her character, dingus.



Example 2 [ edit ]

DM: Alright, the man with the rifle looks at you angrily.

Zack: Probably some tree hugger bitch.

DM: He says, "What the hell are you doing on my farm?"

Daniel: How much HP do you think he has?

DM: You can't ask that.

Zack: Hey guys, have a look at this thing I got on my mobile phone.

Tom: Hey, that's awesome. Gimme that.

Daniel: I covertly draw my pistol and shoot him in the head.

DM: Why?

Daniel: He's got money and he's in my way.

DM: That's stupid.

Tom: I agree. Daniel, you're a dipshit.

DM: ... you hit him, he dies.

Zack: Ha, the hippie died.

Daniel: I loot his body.

DM: A young boy runs out of the house and sees you searching the corpse on the ground. He looks at you in horror.

Daniel: I shoot him too.

DM: No, you can't do that. It's against your alignment.

Daniel: Chaotic Neutral.

DM: That's not what CN means.

Daniel: My character acts on an impulse. He doesn't realise what he's doing until it's done.

Tom: So, I heard Daniel was a dipshit.

Daniel: What? Well, you're fat.

Tom: Oh, you did not just say that. Right, I shoot Daniel. Roll for initiative.

Daniel: It's on, fatass.

DM: Goddamn it, both of you shut up. You can't fight unless your characters have some reason to.

Daniel: Well fine, I just shoot the kid, then.

DM: There are other people who heard the shot, too. They'll see you.

Daniel: Well, I point at Tom and say he did it.

Tom: Oh, you bitch. That's a motivation. I shoot Daniel in the head.

DM: You don't actually say that, do you, Daniel?

Tom: I got a 19. That's a hit. Damage . . . 19.

Daniel: What the fuck? I'm on low HP.

Tom: Ooops. Oh well, I loot your body.

Zack: Wait, what happened? I was just doing stuff on my mobile.



Example 3 [ edit ]

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. There's an inscription written in Druidic.

Gwen: Oh! I got this!

John: *sigh*

Billy: *sigh*

DM: It says you must discard all clothes and be pure upon entering this temple.

Gwen: Oh okay, well yeah, my elf disrobes.

DM: An incubus appears.

Billy: I try to talk to him.

DM: He ignores you and talks to Gwen's naked elf.

Billy: *sigh*

John: *sigh*



Example 4 [ edit ]

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Is the door Lawful or Chaotic?

DM: There's an inscr . . . what?

Billy: Yeah. I have "Chaotic Ray of Disruption", so if it's a Lawful door, I can shatter it to pieces.

DM: Doors don't have alignments. They're objects.

Billy: Says who? There's Chaotic and Lawful Planes, and they have objects too!

DM: Yes, but—

Giles: Yeah, look at this picture of the Plane of Chaos, those rocks floating in a random manner look pretty Chaotic to me . . .

John: There's definitely no doors there, either.

Billy: That settles it, then! I cast "Chaotic Ray of Disruption" on the fucking thing.

DM: OK. Nothing happens.

Billy: What the fuck, man?

DM: The door is Neutral.

John: Crap.

Giles: Bullshit.

Billy: Wait . . . is it a particularly Evil door?

Gwen: Well, those adornments definitely look like horns to me, so . . .



Example 5 [ edit ]

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!

Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the stone moves when the water strikes it . . .

Billy: I pee on it.

John: I also pee on it.

Gwen: Wait, how does a skeleton talk anyway?

DM: The door opens. And I hate you. I hate all of you with the very fiber of my being.



Example 6 [ edit ]

DM: Okay, let's see those character sheets. Billy, you have a high elf half-celestial barbarian and you rolled three 18s . . . John, you can't be a stonechild rogue, this is level 1 and you're not allowed anything from that book. Gwen, you're playing a pixie . . . Cool, so John, just go with half-orc rogue and Billy, if you don't mind dropping the template, we can roll with a barbarian elf. Gwen, you're fine, as always.

Billy & John: *begin fight with DM*

(1 hour later)

DM: You enter a tavern.

Billy: I talk to the bartender.

DM: He says, "What'll you have?"

Billy: Pleasurable company for the night and grog.

John: Who else is in the bar?

DM: It's packed, about 12 people, mostly human.

John: I talk to each one. Hello!

DM: Arg.



Example 7 [ edit ]

Chris: The Crypt awa—

Billy: Crypt?

Chris: Yeah, the quest for the king.

John: No, we're not doing that quest.

Chris: . . . But . . . You said you were.

Gwen: Naw, I've already seduced the prince into a marriage . . .

Billy: And really, his country's starving and his army's shitty so—

John: We're going to KILL the king.

Chris: What?



(Hours of arguing, skullduggery, complaints, and moral decay later)

Chris: The King, his sword clattering to the ground from nerveless fingers, collapses on the throne, looks up and words dribble from blood-drenched lips: "You, you who were to be our last h-hope, you have damned us and yourselves if yo—"

Billy: Gay.

John: I hit the guy with two fireballs, why's he still talking?

Gwen: CAN WE GO BACK TO ME IN THE TREASURY?



(Next week)

Billy: Chris, when's the next game?

Chris: I have classes. Weekend classes.



Example 8 [ edit ]

Chris: The crypt—

Billy: WHERE'S MAH BUNNEH I LIKE MAH BUNNEH

Gwen: I ATE YOUR BUNNEH

John: Lawl

Billy: WTF I ATTACK YOO

DM: Shut up guys! God. Anyway, as you gaze at the stone door, your eyes tracing the visages of the foxmen, in the ritual dance of the rising star, your companion Fenix Ninetails softly whispers, "My destiny—"

Giles: I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

Example 9 [ edit ]

Chris the DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy the Roleplayer: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!

Gwen: lol a quest for viagra

John: lol

Giles: lol

Billy the Roleplayer: *sigh*

Chris the DM: *sigh*

Billy the Roleplayer: Alas! Remember what the Skeleton said!

Giles: that nobody fucked him in the eye socket yet lol

John: lol yeah that was good one lol

Gwen: lol

Billy the Roleplayer: *sigh*

Chris the DM: *sigh*

Billy the Roleplayer: He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it – and that stones move when water touches them! We need to use water to—

Gwen: lol i cum on the door

Giles: lol

John: lol

Billy the Roleplayer: *sigh*

Chris the DM: *sigh*



Example 10 [ edit ]

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Aw fuck.

Gwen: What?

Billy: It's a TALKING door.

John: What language was it speaking in?

Chris: Uh. It was—

Giles: It taunted me! My dwarven rage grows! I attack it!

John: He rolled a nineteen, what's the AC on the door?



Example 11 [ edit ]

Chris: The terrorist defeated, John leaves his clone behind and rides into the sunset with Gwen, as Giles and Billy follow behind.

John: Man, I'm going to have sex?

Chris: What?

John: It's what happens, hero rides off in the sunset, cue chick bow wow.

Billy: Wait, I rode off with Giles.

Giles: Uh oh.



Example 12 [ edit ]

DM: The guards haul away Giles and—

Billy: shutup.

DM: Wha?

John: Yeah, all he did was hold us back, weirdo druid.

DM: So you just want to leave your only healer?

Billy: Yeah, can we fight now?

DM: A—

John: And did you finish my custom template?

Giles: Does this mean I have to reroll?

Billy: No, get out Blackleaf dhur-hur-hur!

John: Who?

Giles: *sigh* DM?

DM: The level 60 guards return: "Turns out we did have information about you two after all . . ."

John & Billy: RAILROAD!



Example 13 [ edit ]

Chris: The—

Doorbell: *Ding dong*

Billy: Pizza!

(Eating)

Chris: Man, that was great. Anyway, the cr—

Giles: Y'know, pizza was like the sushi of the fifties.

(Discussion)

Chris: Huh, I never thought about capitalism and morality like that. ANYWAY, the crypt a—

John: Oh wait, before we do anything else I have to show you these YouTube vids.

(YouTubing)

Chris: Heh, cool, Master Chick, heh, anyway, the crypt is—

Gwen: Guys, I gotta go.

Billy: Yeah. It's, like, one.

Giles: Ditto.

John: Well, if everyone else is going, I'm going too.

Chris: I'm feeling sleepy too. G'night everybody!

Example 14 [ edit ]

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Can't I just roll INT to figure out the riddle? I'm sure it had to deal with that one cryptic unkillable skeleton.

Chris: . . . 'Kay.



Example 15 [ edit ]

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Using Mordenkainen's Door Retardation and Quickening Bigby's Cockblock Keychain, I unlock the door.

DM: Right.

Giles: I—

Billy: I then prepare my psionic headband for any oncoming attacks. Preparing my sword, I walk forward.

Gwen: Uh—

DM: A dire lemur appears!

John: Oh, well I cas—

Billy: Firing my Brain Blasting Bolt of Alliteration at the dire lemur, he explodes into a pile of nothingness.

Gwen: Is that even poss—

DM: Fantastic! Okay guys, well, that wraps up tonight! Great RP, Billy, you get XXX xp. Giles, Gwen, John, you three really need to speak up more, XX xp.



Example 16 [ edit ]

DM: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: The what now?

DM: Big stone door, nobody can get in.

Billy: Why didn't you just say so?

More [ edit ]

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Got stoneshaping.

Chris: Oh... Alright, well you bend open the door-

Billy: Why do that? I'll collapse the crypt. How much xp do I get for killing everything in the dungeon.

Giles: Asshole. There's probably treasure down there.

John: Asshole. Why'd I bother with getting alchemy if I can't blow shit up?

Gwen: Asshole. I wanted that exp!

Chris: WE'RE GOING BACK TO COC.



DM: You're at the crypt, you see the door, its heavily barred.

Billy:IMMA FUCKING KILL IT !!

DM: Its a door, you can't kill it, stop being a twat.

Chris: Okay, I'm gonna pick the lock.

*picks lock*

DM: Right, right, now some big fuck off monster comes storming out.

Billy: IMMA FUCKING KILL IT !!

DM: Goddammit Billy.





Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: We're way past this.

Chris: Sorry, sorry. Anyway, you get to the prison, where the chained maiden awaits.

Gwen: Oh lord.

Chris: What?

Gwen: Misogyny much?

Chris: OH COME ON, it happens, sometimes you meet captured princes or peasants, it's just a fluke.

Gwen: And what's she wearing?

Billy: I'd like to know too. And make sure she's wearing LESS.

Chris: Well, uh, she's... Naked, cringing in fear attempting to cover herself, fear and despair in her large eyes.

Billy: Well, a promise is a promise.

Giles: dood wat

John: Why is no one paying attention to my crit to sexify?

Gwen: Fuckers.





DM:Kay your standing outside the crypt.

Chris: I'm gonna shoot it with my melta gun. It has AP 1

DM: This isn't 40k Chris.

Chris: Yeah, I know, but this fucking sucks, it needs guns.

DM: You don't get a melta gun.

Chris: So how're we supposed to open the door?

DM: I don't fucking know, you tell me.

Chris: Can we play 40k

Billy: Jesus, Chris, shut the fuck up.

Chris: No, this is bullshit, we spend half the game fucking talking and not fighting anything.

John: Oh shit, my girlfriend is phoning, talk amongst yourselves for half an hour.

Chris: Can we play 40k while he's on the phone?

DM: Seriously Chris, shut the hell up.

Billy: Right, I'm opening the fucking door.

DM: How?

Billy: Uhm...dunno, cast a spell or something.

DM: Oh for...fine spell works the fucking door is open.

Chris: Can there be a bloodthirster behind it?

DM: No Chris, there aren't any of them in this game. Stop being a retard.

Chris: Then I'm going to go get a pizza, screw this.

DM: So you're just leaving Billy to wander the crypt on his own?

Billy: I step into the cave, slip down a chasm and die. Lets just play fucking 40k.

Chris: I brought my Tau and my Necrons. Who wants to play me?





DM: You have arrived at the crypt, a large stone door blocks your way.

Chris: The Big Cojones!

Billy: Finally, after all this questing, the Big Cojones will not escape again!

DM: Your here for a cure for the king, remember?

Giles: Is there any obvious way to open the door?

DM: None that you can see

Chirs: Stand back citizen, this is no time for any door opening shenanigans, that would only alert the Big Cojones to our arrival!

Billy: HAH! The Big Cojones is no match for our power! With his death the mountains for trasure will be ours!

Chris: We need a disguise, everyone put on those skeleton skulls we got earlier to act as masks, a perfect plan!

DM: You were supposed to interrogate those skeletons, not defile them...

Billy: Disguises are all well and good but we need to act with surprise on our side. I shall smash this door into nothing in but a single attack!

Chris: No, I think you'll find that I'LL smash the door in.

Billy: Thats it! I've had it with your petulant ways, DRAW!

*Rock paper scissors*

Billy: Curse you ROCK!!!





Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure!

Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it...

John: And that stones move when water touches them! Brilliant! Alright, I'll go and grab some water from that creek that Chris mentioned earlier-"

Mark: I throw myself at the door bodily and physically.

Chris: You bounce off the door.

Mark: I keep doing it, over and over.

Gwen: I say "Mark! Stop doing that! You'll hurt yourself!"

Billy: I sigh.

John: I'll go get the water.

Chris: Mark, you're starting to get dizzy from all the battering against the immobile stone slab.

Mark: I headbutt it!

Chris: Okay... and you fall down, dazed and sick. You can't feel your legs.

Mark: I throw my sword at it, and mumble something about nature and trees.

Billy: There aren't any trees in the cave.

John: I return with the water and put it on the door.

Chris: The door opens, and a group of goblins attack!

Billy: To arms!

Mark: I draw my sword and fight!

Chris: You're incapacitated and you threw your sword away.

Mark: I try to grab one on the leg.

Chris: YOU LOSE YOUR ARM.

Mark: I roll around. This could be a bother.





DM: As you walk down the thin mountain pass, you come to the entrance of the temple. It has two large golden doors that block the entrance.

Player: Okay, when you say gold, do you mean, like actual gold?

DM: Uh.... yeah, why?

Player: Okay, I take the right door.

DM: You walk up to the temple entrance and push in the right door and star--

Player: No, I TAKE, the right door. As in, take it.

DM: *sigh* You can't walk through the dungeon with that!

Player: Oh. Then we'll sell it!

DM: The nearest city is 500 miles away.

Player: We better start walking then!





DM: As you exit the forest you come onto an open field of grass with a gazebo standing in the center.

Player: What's the gazebo doing?

DM: It's a gazebo. It's just sitting there.

Player: Okay.... I shoot an arrow at the gazebo.

DM: Okay, now it's a gazebo with an arrow in it..

Player: Alright... uh... I slowly walk towards the gazebo.

DM: THE GAZEBO JUMPS UP AND EATS YOU! ARE YOU HAPPY?! ROLL A NEW CHARACTER!





Chris: Hey, Gwen you up for the RPG tonight?

Gwen: Uhm... No, I'm sorry, I'm busy... Y'know, studying.

Chris: Alright, how about tomorrow night?

Gwen: I'm, uh, well, it's a BIG exam.

Chris: When...When are you free then?

Gwen: Look, uhm, can we talk about this later Chris, I really don't know it's all so stacked up...

Chris: Oh. Kay.

Later...

Chris: The crypt awaits before you, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its goddamn immovable bulk.

Billy: Uh, alright, can you play Gwen's character and have her use that ring-

Chris: No, she says no. Says she's busy.

Giles: Oh Jesus.

Chris: Know what else? She turns to you all, and rips off the mask to reveal she was the lich all along.

John: What? But I remembe-

Chris: SHE'S REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT MANIPULATING YOU, YOU STUPID LITTLE BASTARDS.

Billy: . . .Well, I ask

Chris: TOO LATE! SHE TEARS OUT YOUR HEEEEEEEEEEARRRRRRRRTTTTTT

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: *Snrk*

Chris: What, what fucking is it?

John: Well, we were just wondering.

Chris: About?

Giles: What's the damage for getting a heart torn out?

Chris: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ALL GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM FUCK YOUUUUUUUU

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility.

Billy: I blow it up with C4.

Chris: You don't have any C4... it hasn't been invented yet...

Billy: Well then I invent C4 and blow it up.

Chris: ok so while Billy's out inventing C4 what do the rest of you do?

John: I invent it before him and blow up the door.

Gwen: I open the door.

Chris: You can't open it, it's locked.

Billy: I'm done inventing my C4. I blow up the door.

John: I steal your C4 and blow the door up with it.

Chris: You don't ha-

Billy: Why would you steal my C4 to do with it the exact same thing i was going to do with it?

John: 'Cause you're stupid and you would mess everything up

Chris: You made the C4 wrong and you blow yourselves up. Except for Gwen. Her clothes are destroyed in the explosion.



Chris: There is a crypt ahead of...

Billy: FALCON PUNCH!!!

DM: ...



MEDS ARE FOR THE WEAK.

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you-



Billy: FOUL DOOR! I'LL NOT BE SO CRUELLY TAUNTED BY SUCH AN ENCHANTMENT!

John: Oh god, Billy's off his meds again...

BILLY: MY NAME IS HUGE

DM: Okay, so both John and Dave's characters are alone.

Dave: I grapple John's elf.

John: What?

Dave: Sorry dude, but she's been looking at my half-orc like she wants it, so he's gonna give it to her.

John: Dude! This is disgusting!

DM: Do you fight back?

John: GOD no.

DM: I'm... sorry?

John: This is a rape. She pretty much just melts onto his dick.

Dave: Pretty much.

DM: Okay well, I guess we can fade that to bla-

BILLY: HEY GUYS I SUMMONED A DIRE WHALE. HIS NAME IS WILLY.

DM: ... the Inn explodes. Dave and John's characters are killed by falling whale... Billy gets 100 exp and his fucking medication WHICH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE.

BILLY: WILLY NOOOO!

DM: The crypt awaits, the entrance sealed by a slab of stone, seemingly presenting no logical way to open it.

Gwen: Oh I remember now, what the skelet-

Billy: Fuck that, I cast fireball at the door.

DM: What. It's two feet of stone, and the whole group is right in front of the bloody thing.

Billy: Well, you said no logical way to open it. Perfectly in-character, considering how many metamagic feats he can put into a fireball spell he could likely melt right through it.

DM: And melt right through the whole party.

Billy: Perfectly in-character. You did say to stay consistant, and I've been consistantly unhinged.

Gwen: He does have a point.

DM: ....fuck.

Some Dark Heresy [ edit ]

Chris: You all look back at the blast where the Demon was summoned. The soldiers who were attacking you before are now running at you begging you to rescue them.

Billy: I jump out of the truck to capture the first one for interrogation.

John: GET BACK IN THE TRUCK!

Dave: I drive my car away without you guys. Screw this.

Gwen: I get off the truck. Half round aim, shoot the soldier. I rolled a 20, that's a hit. 31 damage.

Chris: The surrendering soldier's head explodes.

Billy: Dammit... You said there was more than one soldier trying to escape the demon, right?

Chris: Yeah, there are three more close by, they're all running toward you shouting for help.

John: GUYS I SWEAR TO GOD I'M COUNTING TO FIVE. GET IN THE GODDAMN TRUCK!

Billy: I grab the next closest guy.

Gwen: 18. Five degrees of success, 28 damage. He's dead.

Billy: STOP SHOOTING POTENTIAL CAPTIVES!

John: ... THREE, TWO, ONE.

Dave: I'm calling in an airlift for myself.

Gwen: I stun Billy. 16, he's unconscious for 3 rounds. I drag him onto the bus.

Chris: So you're not taking any captives?

Party: NO!

Chris: Ok. An airlift comes and picks you guys up. Where are they taking you?

John: I don't know, I feel like we don't have any leads to follow.

Chris: *sigh*

