ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man has today blame his recent and largely unabashed weight gain on a tumble dryer, choosing to ignore the many lifestyle choices that may have contributed to his new curves.

Martin Potter, a French Quarter young creative that has taken many steps to run from his upper-middle-class Betoota Heights background, took time out of his busy Saturday morning to do some washing – as any self-respecting 28-year-old man does.

However, after receiving a cold wash and a warm tumble dry, the husky Virgo told our reporters that some of his clothes no longer fitted as he remembered.

“I could barely get my jeans done up,” he said.

“They were practically falling off me before Christmas. There’s no way in hell I’ve put that much weight on in such as short amount of time,”

“I guess the dryer shrunk my clothes! That must be it.”

Upon speaking to a number of people in Martin’s life, namely his partner Megan and flat mate Colin, they both agreed that the dryer is not fat-shaming Martin more than he is himself.

“Does the Silly Season end on Invasion Day or ANZAC Day?” said Colin.

“Because Martin seems to think it’s the latter. The drinking, the binge eating and inactivity. I’d be surprised if his heart hasn’t enlarged to the size of a hot water bottle!”

Colin’s sentiments were echoed by Megan, who said Martin’s idea that the dryer has made is clothes smaller is immature and a latent falsehood.

“I’ve seen what he’s put into his body first-hand. High FODMAD foods, processed meats, red wine, beer, soft drinks and Peter Stuyvesants. They are the Rolls Royce of cigarettes but they’re still cigarettes at the end of the day,”

“The dryer is a patsy. For Martin to turn on him after his years of loyal service and energy efficiency is disgusting,”

“I’m going to get him on the controversial, ‘Don’t eat so much and move more diet’ that I’ve been reading about.”

More to come.

