Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s legal struggles are a constant, nagging thorn in his administration’s side, but Mr. Trump remains adamant that he is entirely innocent.

Most spectators of the recent controversies surrounding his personal attorney and “fixer” Michael Cohen, however, would say that the evidence is damning that there are copious crimes currently being investigated by special prosecutor Robert Mueller—including sex crimes, financial fraud and money laundering, and aiding and abetting enemies of the state—all within the umbrella of general collusion with Russia, yet the President insists the evidence points to his innocence and Cohen’s innocence instead.

“Michael Cohen has done absolutely nothing wrong, except to be too loyal to me,” explained Trump to the White House press pool en route to a golf outing. “But nothing wrong with that. He’s a real patriot who loves his country. Being the fixer for the president is a very beautiful thing, everybody. In other countries it’s one of the most prestigious jobs a person can have. Russia, I heard, treats fixers for Putin very well. Very well. But I can assure you everything is fair, everything is great. Michael Cohen is a great guy, a wonderful guy. Totally legal. He’s the most legal guy you’ve ever seen. No one’s more legal than him. That’s why I call him my legal guy. And he would only plead the Fifth Amendment to everything if I was entirely innocent, trust me. Because—a lot of people don’t know this but you can actually plead the fifth and it saves you from having to rat on yourself. It’s why America is a great, big, beautiful country. So everything’s legal, I guarantee it. People tell me all the time how legal we’re being. They say they’ve never seen such legality—so legal. That’s all, thanks folks.”

Then Trump left for Mar-a-Lago.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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