Saying no (when it’s hard to say no)

Any of these sound familiar?

“How do I say no without coming off as negative or defensive?”

“I want to help, but I’m already behind on my key projects and I’m buried.”

“I’m worried people are taking advantage of me, but I don’t want to be a jerk.”

Compassionate leaders hate saying no (even when we know we should). We often feel stuck giving a yes or no answer, unsure how to set healthy boundaries.

The most effective no comes off, not as a rejection, but as a way to redirect the conversation towards a more productive solution for both parties. If you’re saying no, you should think of it as a comma, not a period. The conversation should continue on afterwards. Requests for your time and energy are negotiations. The outcome is largely dependent on your ability to advocate for yourself while also helping the person get what they want.

Suggest an alternative solution

Why is this person making this request? What is it that they really want? If you can think of a shorter, faster, or more efficient way to get them what they need, offer them that solution instead. Many times the person isn’t aware that there are other options available to them. They’re making the best possible request based on the information available to them.

Have an employee that’s asking you for a raise? If what they really need is to cover a surprise medical bill, can you get them an advance on their salary or some overtime shifts? Boss wants a brand new dashboard for a service line in 24-hours? If what he really wants is quick metrics to show that a service line is doing well, can you modify metrics from other service lines?

If you have a good understanding of the “why”, you’ll have the best chance of getting to a win-win solution.

Renegotiate the deadline or soften the request

Sometimes, even after you know the why, you won’t see an easy alternative. In these instances, inquire about giving yourself more time or lowering the bar on what’s needed. Deadlines and details are often negotiable.

Someone wants a report in a week? Can it be two weeks? They want forty data points? Would they settle for twenty?

The person didn’t give you a specific date? Then ask them what’s the latest they could possibly receive it (while also explaining how hard you’re working to meet another critical deadline).

That employee that’s asking for a raise, do they need a raise immediately? Can you wait a couple months and sync them up with other employees that are having their compensation reviewed?

What’s your room for negotiation on this issue? Very rarely is someone rigid about every facet of their request. Find the areas where they’re pliable, and give yourself the space needed to breathe and get unburied.

But what if there’s no room for negotiation?

The elephant in the room. The 1 in 1000 chance that the person is asking you for something that you absolutely cannot commit to and that person is leaving you no wiggle room.

Make a values-based refusal. Inform the person that because you are committed to another project/your sanity/standards/moral guidelines, that you can’t make a good faith commitment.

They’ll be upset, maybe even mad, but they’ll also respect the fact that you had the courage to tell them straight. Don’t avoid saying “no”, if the answer is (truly) “no”. But find the right words.

“I want to help. However, based on what you need, I have to keep my commitment to the other projects already on my plate. So the answer is no. If you can soften on the deadline or scope of work, I think I can help.”

Emphasize the why whenever you’re saying no, because that’s the part that is most important in helping them to understand where you’re coming from. A well explained why can counteract the defensiveness and reactiveness the other person will feel in the moment. Use words, terms, or framing that they can understand.

The essential rule when negotiating someone’s request is to validate that you are still on the same team. We’ve all been in a position where someone has said no to something we’ve asked for, something we’ve thought we’ve needed. How did that feel? It felt bad. We get frustrated and often defensive. As much as we want the world to work based on logic, emotion still drives many of our interactions. Keep that in mind when managing requests from others.

Help that person preserve their dignity and feel listened to. People are less emotional or reactive if they believe you’re on their team. The best way to show them that you’ve got their back is to empathize with their needs or concerns (by listening and affirming), even if you’re limited on how you can help them.

“Sounds like you’re on a tight deadline. I want to help, but I can’t commit to [thing you asked for] for [well-explained reasons]. Are there other ways that I can help? Would you be able to accept [negotiated commitment]? I really want to find a way to help.”

Help the other person win, and you’ll avoid fallout from “not being a team player” or “selfish”.

Next time you get something dumped on you from an employee, coworker, or boss, try one of these tactics out. Let me know how it works for you. Message me on Twitter or email me. Seeing results? Consider sharing this post with someone who could benefit. Good luck out there.

-Patrick

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