Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

The word ‘chronic’ was never in my body’s vocabulary until this past year. I’ve had severe recurrent vaginal yeast infections for a greater part of this year. Save for a few pockets of respite, it’s been a painful journey of hopelessness, discouragement, and despair.

More than just physical, C. albicans overgrowth can take a huge financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual toll on those who suffer from it. We can become swept up in an endless whirlwind of prescription pills and natural remedies, of studies and snake oil. We gingerly spend money on doctors and treatments that don’t help, obsessively search the internet for a cure at odd hours of the night, and even completely retreat from “normal” life because our symptoms are so unmanageable. And that’s not even the start of it.

We can become swept up in an endless whirlwind of prescription pills and natural remedies, of studies and snake oil.

8 months in this cycle and 6 doctors later, I am not 100% better quite yet. Even as I’m writing this, I feel sleep-deprived and fatigued from my candida. But the way I approach my health is drastically different than how I handled it before.

1. I learned to reframe my thoughts.

Because of my physical limitations I unabashedly cut my life down to hold space for who (and what) really matters to me. Mindsets brought me down like social expectations (going somewhere because I felt I had to), putting other people’s needs first (saying yes all the time), and fear-based aspirations (getting that next promotion) went out the door. Although they seemed untrue at first, beliefs like “I am completely whole as I am” began to take root.

Although they seemed untrue at first, beliefs like “I am completely whole as I am” began to take root.

Now when I’m in pain, I rest my mind on breath and try not to catastrophize or get tangled up in a despairing web of paralyzing narratives. With all the negativity about my infection aside I am beginning to visualize the future I want for myself. And taking into account the limited energy and slip-ups I have, I am starting to make plans for it. I am beginning to hold space for myself.

2. I learned how to be compassionate.

In a body that can’t currently fight off this infection, I learned to be kind to myself. Through actions like yoga, journaling, and my daily spiritual practice, I consciously decided to stop hyper-focusing on what was wrong and instead tapped into the abundance of my inner world. I am cultivating gratitude, opening my eyes to the blessings in my life, namely the loved ones around me and a toolbox of talents, body parts, and abilities that I can healthily still use.

Even though part of my body is not working the way I’d like, at least my perfectly functioning pinky toes and knee caps are. I can feel crummy and also be able to write this piece. And sometimes that’s more than enough.