The following is satirical.

Joe Biden has announced that he will hold regular shadow briefings to correct the briefings of President Donald Trump during the current crisis.

So, for instance, when Trump holds a briefing to announce measures to soften the crisis’s blow to the economy, Biden will hold his shadow briefing to announce that he can remember when Americans would all sit together around the record player and say the Pledge of Allegiance to Franklin Roosevelt, unless they were black and then they had to sit somewhere else, and that was wrong and he opposed that or maybe he was for it, he can’t remember anymore, but anyway it was a different time and we need to pull together like that again and not let Richard Nixon tear us apart, or whoever he is.

And when President Trump holds a briefing to announce increased efforts by pharmaceutical companies to find a vaccine while the government tries to dial back regulatory impediments, Biden will hold a shadow briefing to announce that there used to be a guy he knew named Corn Pop or Popcorn or maybe it was Buttered Popcorn because that’s awfully good, and anyway he was a real tough character who used to make fun of Joe because the hair on Joe’s legs used to bleach blonde in the sun and Popcorn would say “Hey blondie legs!” so Joe wrapped a chain around his hand and just beat the living crap out of the guy and he’ll do that to Trump too if he’s not careful, you just wait.

Biden says he’ll also try to make his briefings more entertaining than Trump’s by holding fun contests where Joe will try to guess what state he’s in and if he gets it right he wins a nap, and if he’s wrong, he’ll just stand there staring into space for a few minutes until his wife comes to take him home.

Biden also says he’s devised a new campaign slogan for the crisis. “Vote for Joe. After all, nobody lives forever.”

Related: KLAVAN: Is There A Vaccine For Trump Derangement Syndrome?