Dear Sir/ Madam,

Moments ago I returned from my daughter-in-law’s house in Alwarpet after a small vegetarian tea party. The event was a complete disaster and I was so overcome by happiness and delight that I decided then and there to share it with you as soon as possible.

Sir/ Madam, my daughter-in-law is a wonderful lady with a kind and gentle personality. From the very first moment my son introduced her to us we found her very humble and god-fearing. We initially thought they were just good friends with a mutual interest in preparing for MBA entrance examinations. Only later we realised that they were preparing diligently for love marriage and not CAT. Subsequently I tried very hard to persuade her to find some other boy who actually had some prospects in his future unlike my useless son. She refused.

Her parents, on the other hand, are the worst human beings I have ever met in my life. And I am someone who has spent his entire career in a nationalised bank with postings in branches all over India, especially Delhi and Calcutta.

Sir/ Madam, I am not sure which part of India you are from. But in my native place near Nagercoil there is a saying that roughly translates as follows: “He is the kind of man that if you find him on the road with a knife in his back, you drive over him with your car in order to avoid any doubt.”

Her father and mother are both of this category. The moment they open their mouths, my left hand reaches for the nearest sharp object such as coconut scraper, and my right hand reaches for my car keys. Thankfully I do not have to hear from them very often. They are all settled in the U.S. for many years and only come to India once a year for annual leave cum fault-finding mission.

They are currently in Chennai and you may want to warn your readers to avoid Alwarpet for the next three weeks. Unfortunately I do not have this option. My wife forced me to go to their house earlier today for tea and snacks. So I went.

As soon as I entered the house I spotted her father wearing a ‘Harvard’ sweatshirt in the 35 degrees temperature as if he is some nuclear scientist in Copenhagen when actually he is a dentist from Karaikudi. We exchanged some pleasantries and then as soon as I began sipping my rosemilk he started with his unnecessary comments. First he said something about demonetisation. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t have my notes. (Sir/ madam, just a joke). Then he passed some comments about Chennai airport being stuck in the medieval period. Again I maintained decorum. Then he spoke about cricket condescendingly and I maintained a dignified silence. This went on for another 10 minutes and then I lost my patience.

So I asked him how it was like living in the Presidency of a man with the appearance and political ability of a papaya.

Sir/madam, you should have seen her father’s face. Already sweating due to his Santa Claus jacket, his face turned a fluorescent pink. He delivered one full UGC TV programme about the power of the American democratic system. He said that he had complete faith in the constitution’s ability to safeguard the people of the U.S.. I told him that I was happy to know this and would try to read the Russian constitution at the earliest in order to understand all these points.

Five minutes later I had to make a hasty retreat to my own house.

Sir/madam, I want to make it very clear that I have nothing against Non-Resident Indians. Also I have nothing but sympathy for the American people in this moment of crisis.

However, as someone who has spent many years hearing lectures on democracy from friends and family living in the U.S., the Trump presidency is giving me considerable enjoyment. Things had become particularly unbearable during the Obama presidency. Obama is like this. Obama is like that. He speaks like this. He jokes like that. He is ageing so gracefully. He speaks so nicely. He writes like Shakespeare. He runs like Carl Lewis.

And now? It is like Sachin Tendulkar has been bowled out after a double century, and Radha Ravi is the next batsman for the U.S..

Sir/ madam, therefore can I please ask your newspaper to cover the Trump presidency with more enthusiasm and enjoyment? Each morning I wake up to see you talking about Trump with such sadness and disappointment. Kindly stop this right away. Instead let us enjoy this while we still can. Who knows what will happen in the future. Once again some Obama type will become the U.S. president. And I will have to listen to my daughter-in-law’s father.

Yours in tremendous self-satisfaction,

J. Mathrubootham