STUDY CASE #5: “THE PRINCESS BRIDE” IS OBJECTIVELY EVIL

Theatrical release poster

This study case was written by Timothy Bennett

You just read the title. How dare I say such a thing? Well, as you may infer from the title, I was inspired to write this by Milo Yiannopoulos of Breitbart News, who wrote that The Princess Bride is objectively terrible . I simply want to go a step further. I don't believe the movie is immoral to watch, or that the creators were necessarily immoral, but simply that it is an immoral movie to the extent that it promotes immoral behavior. It is acceptable to like the movie for subjective reasons, but everything that is evil must be hated objectively. Perhaps I tread on dangerous ground, for once I'm famous I may only be exposing new generations to the cancer that was 1980s cinema. Nevertheless, I go boldly forward. Why am I picking on The Princess Bride, not another terrible movie like Young Frankenstein, The NeverEnding Story, or Back to the Future? Because I can only endure so much self-torture. Besides, The Princess Bride does the best job capturing the essence of everything wrong with the modern world. Those movies are lung cancer, The Princess Bride is brain cancer. It is psychologically deadly, and though it may primarily be only a symptom of modern degeneracy, it no doubt propagates it as well.

The root of my analysis relies on setting up two dichotomies: either The Princess Bride is made for children, or it's not; either The Princess Bride is a parody of medieval fairy tales, or it's not. If it is made for children, then it either has a childish setting or a childish theme. On the surface, it has neither of these. However, on inspection, the adult theme of "true love" is so trivialized that it becomes childish, and the cinematography is so cheaply done that it might as well be a cartoon. Is it then a parody? The people I ask mostly agree it is, but then they also say it's for children. Thus, we already see the problem that a good parody is likely too complicated for children to understand, especially a parody of medieval times that requires prior reading. However, the writers solved this by simply making the plot so generalistic as to not parody anything real, just the stereotypes themselves, essentially becoming a parody of a parody. A good parody mocks illusions of grandeur, not grandeur itself. But alas, the problems are just starting. The real issue is the non-committal nature of the movie. It tries again and again to be serious, but then results in the ideal being dragged through the gutter.

The Princess Bride is a profoundly cynical farce. Yes, I know cynicism is a real thing, and I actually enjoy reading the cynics of Ancient Greece. However, a movie is not a book, and a cynical character is not the same thing as a cynical theme. A movie should be a piece of art, representing the ideal, the romantic. A movie should entertain, not drag us through the mud of the proletariat and splatter it onto our faces. In this regard, The Princess Bride is especially sacrilegious; for it drags the Arthurian legends of old down to the level of a child, leaving the child with no wonder of possibility, but a mirror of its own pathetic interpretation. Stare at Wesley's stupidly smug face; see how long it takes you to hate life. The Google definition of "cynical" is: "Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity." This is a horrible definition. Self-interest is the basis of integrity, and The Princess Bride says love is self-abnegation.

Objection Two: The Princess Bride is an unfunny parody of bad movies. I'm personally not a big fan of parodies in general, but I do appreciate a good one. An analogous show is Monty Python and the Holy Grail. What's the difference? One makes fun of human nature by showing it in its full absurdity, the other creates caricatures that have no basis in reality. (At least I hope no one as disgusting as Princess Buttercup exists in real life.)

Objection Three: The Princess Bride breaks the fourth wall and tries to kill even those of us who refuse to watch it. Like its characters, the movie has no self-respect. Why else would it open up with a scene in a little kid's bedroom? Who's the target audience? Nothing kills the imagination like inception in real life. I can only assume this scene was put in as a nod to the "family" theme, but I have no idea why we should want to imitate such a dysfunctional family. How many kids have been tortured by their nefarious uncles with this film under the guise of "family time"? Countless numbers, no doubt. Only an illusion disappears with the magician.

I will now prove my points with evidence throughout the entire movie. First scene, we establish the "creative" idea of a movie within a book. We get a stereotypically dysfunctional family, because everyone can relate to the gutter, right? If I was watching this as a kid, I would skip this part. It's just some pathetic grandpa sarcasm, to be reused by every other character (including the bratty kid) in the following real (or should I say fake?) part of the movie. Mr. Grandpa likes to torture his grandson with anti-life books, just as his father did to him. Yay, traditional family values!

Scene One: the acting is horrible. Apparently "true love" is staring into each others empty eyes with an impish grin, and sacrificing your every whim to your lover, since you never had any true desire in the first place. This scene also establishes the poor soundtrack that will continue throughout the rest of the movie, but I guess that's all right, since being poor is one of the only "values" alluded to (poor farm boy, etc.). If I was watching this movie as a kid, and hadn't already quit at the opening, I would certainly quit now. The kissing is worse than Aragorn and Arwen in The Lord of the Rings, and it has nothing epic to back it up.

All right, Scene Two. The plot is already in shambles. Wesley was incompetent enough to get captured for no reason, but then somehow climbs the ranks to captain. He also never thought of coming back to his "true love" during this time. Anyways, Princess Buttercup (I must call her by her name) just happens to ride right into her kidnapper's hands, on a horse. No need to turn around, though, just brace for the Vulcan Death Grip, which Mr. Greenland the Fat knows all about. We already get a taste of the movie right here, with its pathetic dialogue framed around making unfunny jokes instead of revealing character or advancing the plot. In fact, come to think of it, not a single "funny moment" from this movie is based on the situation or plot context. It's just filled with worn-out verbal tropes that kids who play outside have already invented. I can only conclude that kids who find this funny have psychological problems. These kids never had a true friend, and thus are enslaved to the humor of personal degradation.

Now we get to the "Inconceivable" meme. Sure, this is funny on a Sunday comic strip, which I'm sure is exactly where the writers found it. How can people fail to repeat a cliche that already exists! Anyways, the killer eels expose another hole in the plot. If Buttercup truly feels so "empty", why is she so afraid to die? Besides, these people aren't going to kill her. Her jump into the water only makes sense as a suicide mission. Again, the music is incredibly annoying, especially since no self-respecting kid would care about self-centered Buttercup at this point, although hate will come later. Always make sure to insult the primary demographic, Mr. Interrupting Grandpa!

Next scene, we now see Wesley again. Oh wait, we don't know who that is, because he has a black mask on. Finally, we get some real excitement here. It's pretty cool to see a 400 pound guy climbing on a rope with two other guys on his back. It's also fun to anticipate what is atop the cliff, one of the rare moments of idealism in this movie. But alas, when we get to the top, there are only some rocks with a faux sunset/sunrise sky behind them. Now for the encounter between Wesley and the idiot Spaniard, whose name shall not be mentioned. Why are they fighting? Instead of mocking medieval chivalry, this movie creates its own pathetic version of it. Wesley says he holds his enemy in the "highest respect", but just like "true love", we never see what this means. The philosophy here is a kind of reverse nominalism, where the value of an action is determined by what words one uses in performing it. Essentially, this is relativistic nonsense – feelings over fact, emotion over logic.

Finally – the scene I've been waiting for – the scene that I saw out of context and which thereby persuaded me to watch this travesty -- the wine scene. I still think it's a fun scene, but when I saw it the first time, I didn't realize Wesley outright cheated. Next, the Princess meets her savior. She accuses him of being a killer, which is pretty obvious, considering what he just did, #SicilianLivesMatter. Apparently, she can't recognize his voice or even his jawline, though her own is quite distinctive. True parody should honor an original work by highlighting its characteristics, not by disgracing an entire genre by condensing it into an insipid dribble. Now, they both roll down the hill, and the cringe factor reaches 9,000. "Death cannot stop true love", but true love is just the rare combination (once every one hundred years) of self-sacrifice for the sake of flirtation.

All right, now the fire caves. By the way, we have already hit the climax, it's only downhill from here into the dungeons of boredom. This is where Wesley is supposed to be a hero, but he comes off as an arrogant bitch (such language is found in the movie as well, so I'm allowed to use it). His pathetic array of stunts is the director's way of condensing the human spirit into a bowl of mush and then letting it disappear faster than Buttercup into a magic sand pit.

Now for the fat rats. At least we get some blood, but I have to point out how sexist this scene is. Buttercup just stands there showing her princess privilege, while her boyfriend is getting his shoulder chewed off. Just another manifestation of "true love", I suppose.

Next scene, captain six fingers demands surrender. The demand for surrender gave me a laugh, as Wesley tries to heroically refuse what is obviously the only option. In the torture chamber, albino guy changes his voice from what is expected, thus creating a joke to be expected from an SNL skit. Evil uncle continues to interject, anyone who laughs at his sarcasm deserves to be shot. The Princess says "true love always comes" and thus acknowledges it can be ten years late. The movie continues to appeal to self-sacrifice, which is disgustingly immoral. Wesley gets the life-sucker treatment, and cries after level one usage. What a wimp.

Next, we get a revealing scene with crazy Spaniard; he raises his sword to dramatic music, and then guides it into a tree in a stunning act of anti-idealism. Wesley really seems dead now, so we have to swap back to the real-life brat. He casually uses the Lord's name in vain ("Jesus, grandpa!"). The message to the viewer is don't take anything seriously, just laugh and say life is too complicated, full of contradictions, and that A may or may not equal A, because who cares if it equals B? What does it matter? Nothing is worth making fun of, unless it's nothing itself.

All the characters are still completely flat, and now we must suspend disbelief again as we learn the concept of mostly-dead in a nod to Monty Python in this witch doctor scene. Spaniard guy makes a disgusting appeal to pity, the witch doctor guy is afraid of "true love" (how cute, almost cuter than mutton lettuce and tomato), and his wife sets him straight (because we can all see how far true love got them). The static trio now exit the chocolate-colored hut with a pill covered in chocolate.

Next, we find Buttercup about ready to get married, once again not even trying to exert her own will (whatever that is) on the world around her. Meanwhile, Wesley is a neuroleptic mess. Remember, folks, we gotta thoroughly deprecate the hero so the rest of us don't feel inadequate! Next step, make a mockery of marriage and the Catholic church, not by isolating its absurd essentials, but by vulgar voice mutilation. I pray for an ending.

The movie continues to prove itself a subjective mess. Buttercup says, "My Wesley", as if he had anything for her to posses. What are his values? What are your values, Princess? Not beauty, in my opinion. Now that Buttercup has found her Wesley, let's see what the spondaic Spaniard is up to. Ah yes, revenge, who could have guessed? I admit, this fight scene has one good quality, that of name repetition as motivation. Finally, the movie wraps up with some ultra-cringey framed dialogue. Buttercup jumps from the window, in a suicide attempt she should have tried long ago. Grandpa tries to kill his grandson with pure cringe, saying, "As you wish" right before reading about the last kiss. Disgusting, disgraceful, dishonorable.

Yes, this is no ordinary, run-of-the-mill fairy tale. This is far worse, for this is a piece of propaganda that projects the creators' own self-hate onto their audience.