New Matilda’s Dr Liz Conor has been leaked a copy of the transcript of the conversation between Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull. It’s worse than you think.

PM Turnbull: Good Afternoon President Trump.

POTUS Trump: (to Spicer) Can you believe this guy, he thinks it’s afternoon.

SPICER: Just go with it. He’s working off an alternative calendar.

POTUS: (to PM Turnbull) Is it?

PM: I’m sorry Sir, is it what?

POTUS: Is it a Good Afternoon? Over there? The Afternoons are better here. We’ve got all the best afternoons.

PM: (pause) Ahh, yes, I believe you do Sir. The very best. Congratulations. Is it any wonder a great nation such as yours and, ah, I think I speak on behalf of all Australians when I say our afternoons are great friends and have spent many wonderful, er, afternoons together.

POTUS: (to Bannon) Who is this guy?

Bannon: The Prime Minister of Australia, Talcolm, sorry, Malcolm Turnbull. These guys are like, our besties.

POTUS: Got it (points to head) Talcolm my man! We’re talking now. We’re talking man to man, we’ve got some talking to do because Australia is a nice country. I like it.

PM: Thank you Sir, we’re rather fond of it too. We’d like to have you and Melania come and visit. My wife and I….

POTUS: How old’s your wife?

PM: … ah, Lucy is.

POTUS: My wife is 25 years younger than me. Not as young as my daughter Ivanka that’s true but they have the same great bodies. In the Trump family we’ve got all the best women, really they’re great, you should try them. They think I’m great. This morning we had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which in theory I am.

PM: (clears throat) That’s good to hear Sir. Terrific to have a happy family. It’s really corny to say, but if you are happily married and have good kids, that is about 98 per cent of what you should be seeking to achieve. And we in Australia are in no doubt that you are a very nice person. You’ve made that abundantly clear and we are making it clear too, ah, we’re delighted to be your strongest ally Sir. We’re looking forward to strengthening the ties between our great nations.

POTUS: Whose great nation? We’ve got the best nation, believe me. And I have a great relationship with the blacks. They never come into my tower, because I know everyone that comes up and everyone that comes down, really.

SPICER: Ask him if he’s stayed in your hotel, tell him it’s absolutely stunning.

POTUS: Talcolm have you stayed in my hotel. My International Hotel in Washington. Listen to me, you and your old wife should really come over and stay a few nights in my hotel. Book the gorgeous room, it’s really fantastic, a total genius must’ve built that place, we’ve got all the best views. There’s a view over a white building that’s just like the White House, where I am now, in the Oval Office right now I’m talking to you from here I really am. But it’s not the White House, in the view, it’s the EPA, or it was, because I’m shutting that down and turning it into a sister hotel. Then they can look at each other. If I put my name on the top of both… (To Flynn: why isn’t my name on the top of this building. Get my name up there. Put it in really shiny gold, the shiniest gold).

PM: Sir, yes we have stayed in your lovely hotel and Lucy and I visited your tower, I believe we passed in the lobby, we almost met when I went to shake your hand, but you had your hand out for something else, I mistook it, my profuse apologies, Lucy managed to turn away in time, but it was a wonderful ah, introduction, ah, I’m glad we can talk properly now… Sir, I wonder if we could discuss….

POTUS: Oh yeah the deal. I know about the deal. My people told me about the deal.

PM: The agreement between our two great nations, your commitment to accept illegal immigrants we’ve been holding in offshore detention centres….

POTUS: Ah, no.

PM: I beg your pardon Sir.

POTUS: This is a dumb deal. I can’t believe how it happened.

PM: (wheeze) The arrangement was agreed between myself and President Obama, he….

POTUS: Obama wasn’t born here. Listen to me, an extremely credible source has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud. So what he says is UnAmerican. He didn’t exactly have a positive impact on the thugs who so happily and openly destroyed Starbucks in, where was that? Don’t get me wrong, I like him. His wife’s a bit old. I have a great relationship with the blacks, like I said, but they weren’t born here. So the deal is that you send us some more people that weren’t born here right?

PM: That’s correct sir, they are refugees and we’re unable to accept them because they came by boat illegally. Sir and we have a ban on people coming by boat to our country. If they come by boat they can never set foot in Australia, not even to visit family.

POTUS: I know about your boat ban. My people told me about your boat ban (points to Bannon, thumbs up). I like it. I’ve got one here now. I mean from Muslim countries where I don’t have hotels, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you and your old wife, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists….

PM: Sir they have a lot of problems, it’s true, and we feel you can help them resettle away from those problems, that was the understanding, as a part of our longstanding co-operation.

BANNON: (scratches head).

POTUS: You want to send us more Boston Bombers, I can’t do it Talcolm, I’ve got this ban on brown people right now, I’ll get killed politically. I’m even building a wall, a Great Wall, like China’s, you’ll see it from space, nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.

PM: Yes sir, I’m aware of your plans for a wall. We have quite a long fence here too, it’s for the rabbits. It’s not as great as your wall though, you can’t see it from space, um. Sir, I wonder if we might turn to some other pressing concerns, such as the conflict in Syria.

POTUS: I already spoke to Putin about that. I like him. He came to my inauguration. It was a sellout crowd, did you see, I won the popular vote by 3 billion, that’s more people than there are in America, because the Chinese voted for me too.

PM: It certainly was an impressive event Sir, and Lucy and I were there too, right up the front, with Bruce and Beyoncé, we waved but you weren’t looking our way, haha… We waved and….

POTUS: Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich, but it’s only a part. I don’t wear a ‘rug’ — it’s mine. And I promise not to talk about your massive plastic surgeries that didn’t work Talcolm. You’re wealthy, right, my people told me you’re loaded, paid for your own campaign, that was smart. I did that, but then I claimed it back. Wealthy people don’t like me. This is the worst phone call all day (to Spicer) turn him off….

Click dialtone.

BANNON: The biggest problem he has is he went to school with whiny Jew brats.

SPICER: This was the largest audience to ever witness a phone conversation Mr President Sir.

FLYNN: Have they got missiles Down Under? Let’s put ‘em On Notice. Are the Russians going to pay me for this?

TRUMP: Tweet it. Say ‘This is dumb deal. Talcolm is one of the most overrated actresses in Hollywood. Sad.’