Hollywood Announces Plans To Create Even More Inaccurate, Terrible Bible Movies

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Fresh off recent blockbusters such as Noah and Exodus: Gods and Kings, multiple Hollywood studios confirmed Thursday that they are looking forward to creating even more terrible Christian movies featuring wild inaccuracies and an offensive departure from the truth as presented in the Bible.

“We love what we do,” Warner Brothers Vice President Lance Metriculo told reporters. “Take the movie Noah. Originally, we tested a very ‘blah’ movie, without a misanthropic, baby‐hating Noah, drug‐addled Methuselah, or stone golem Nephilim. Boy did we dodge a bullet there, we laughed, after we made all those changes! Then we said, ‘Why don’t we put Noah in a knife fight atop the ark’, and BOOM!—movie magic”.

Told that many Christians found the Noah movie incomprehensible at best and more often simply stupidly offensive, Metriculo simply laughed. “Don’t you worry,” he said, patting the heads of several reporters from the Christian Post, “We’ll make more of your moving picture Bible stories reaaaal soon, K?”

Likewise, 20th Century Fox executive Judy Sprintz made it clear that her studio was dedicated to putting out more tripe like Exodus: Gods and Kings.

“We really think audience respond well to faith‐based action films,” Sprintz explained. “By ‘faith‐based,’ of course, I mean depicting God as a childish, petty tyrant and Moses as an arrogant jerk leading a guerrilla military revolution instead of a humble messenger of the Lord.”

Asked about charges by Christian critics that such films are often simply B‐grade action movies with a thin pseudo‐biblical veneer applied to them, Sprintz defended her studio’s work.

“Don’t worry, we’re all about getting the right sources in these films.” Sprintz contested. “We have another one coming out soon that uses all sorts of biblical sources like the Gospel of Thomas and The Shack. If you loved The Da Vinci Code—which mentioned Jesus and his family, right?—you’ll love what we have coming up.”

Also the docket for 2016 are the Universal Studios’ movie Balaam, which includes a talking donkey sent back in time to steal a doomsday laser from a rogue Edomite, and I Am Zerubbabel, a United Artists biopic featuring the Jewish leader attempting to build up the ruins of the Temple before a second velociraptor attack. Pixar has also picked up the option for Samuel I Am, in which the prophet Samuel (played by Chris Tucker as an animated pet goldfish) attempts to get the future King Saul of Israel to accept his throne during a hijinks‐filled cross‐country road trip.

On the family side, FOX will team up with Sony Pictures on Purgatory is for Real, which the studio describes as “based on a true story, the heartwarming trip of a six‐year old boy through the magical realms imagined by Dante Alighieri.”

“We’ve got a lot of good stuff coming up,” beamed Sprintz. “Seriously, we’re really looking forward to creating more terrible, terrible Bible movies that have only the faintest basis in Scripture.”

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