It’d be nifty to be in George Strait’s position; having “all my ex’s live in Texas” would certainly decrease the likelihood of me bumping into them on the street. All I would have to do is avoid the Lone Star State, and since I don’t have a thirst to be in close proximity to Dallas Cowboys fans, I don’t foresee myself ever going there. Instead, I have ex-girlfriends scattered like little dandelion seeds of regret across the continental United States, making chance encounters a real worry whenever and wherever I travel. It’s one of the big reasons why I don’t like to leave the house.

Unless you’re far more mature than I am (which isn’t hard, trust me), bumping into an ex is always going to be uncomfortable. Worse, the run-ins are always formulaic, adhering to the same pattern of stilted conversation and panicky self-consciousness no matter where the interaction takes place. It doesn’t matter the state of the bridge between you two—barely intact, slightly charred, completely immolated—because interaction will always follow the same model:

1) Recognition: Listen, unless your ex happens to have undergone radical plastic surgery, you’re going to recognize her (and unless you’ve had some rhinoplasty done, she’s going to instantly recognize you, too). It is therefore silly to pretend you don’t notice each other. That doesn’t make the eye contact any less awkward, though. It’s a bit disheartening to watch someone you used to date look at you with the same shocked, surprised, and slightly fearful expression she’d likely make if she found an undigested Canadian quarter in her stool, but that’s par for the course. If you’re expecting her eyes to light up with longing, you’re probably overestimating your performance as a lover.

2) The Forced Smile: You know, that weird grin you contort your facial muscles into making that’s similar to the smile you put on when your senile grandmother buys you soap in the shape of a dinosaur for your eighteenth birthday. The smile says, “Hey, I’m going to come talk to you now because I feel socially obligated to for some inexplicable reason, so you have approximately eight seconds to exit the premises before the awkward small talk begins.”

3) The Approach: No matter how fast of a walker you are, the approach always feels like you’re in slow motion. I’m sure it’s exactly analogous to what inmates feel when they walk the green mile, except they’re lucky enough to be given the sweet release of death at the end.

4) “Heeeyyyyyyy”: It’s biologically impossible to start the conversation without dragging out the introductory word. I don’t know why this is the case, but it’s true. I’m sure Darwin could explain it.

5) The Half-Hearted Hug: You will never receive a less enthusiastic hug than the hug you’ll receive in this moment. It’s the type of lukewarm embrace where you two are pretty much only touching your sides together and using only one arm each, because any iota more of physical contact would obviously be TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. Seriously, this hug is so unsatisfactory you might as well just shake hands and nod curtly.

6) “It’s been so long!”: No shit.

7) The Concerted Effort to Not Check Her Out: It’s only natural for you to want to appraise her physical appearance and rank your current assessment against how you used to perceive her attractiveness, because you are naturally a shallow and petty person. But seriously, don’t do the whole look-her-up-and-down/”Oh you look so good!” thing, because it makes you seem like the Big Bad Wolf sizing her up for an abduction. I know you want to check her out, but what’s to gain? If she’s hotter than she was before, you’ll feel ashamed and ugly; if she’s uglier than she was before, you’ll feel either disappointed in your taste or immature schadenfreude. It’s a lose-lose situation, especially because she’s probably not all that attracted to the shaggy hair and facial scruff look you’ve got going on. Just maintain polite eye contact and save the assessment of her looks for stalking her Facebook profile.

8) “So what are you up to these days?”: What, are you going to be thrilled that she’s dating a guy far more successful and sexually adroit than you? Are you going to be psyched if she has a high-paying job in a field she loves while you’re stuck wallowing in minimum-wage hell? You could try not being jealous, I guess, but that takes too much effort. It’s better to avoid the question entirely and/or lie through your teeth when she asks it to you.

9) The Internal Pondering About Her New Boyfriend: There has never been a guy in human history who, upon hearing his ex is now dating someone else, doesn’t wonder if he could take this new guy in a street fight. There has also never been a guy in human history who, upon thinking about this fight, doesn’t think he’d win easily.

10) The Part Where You Say You Two Should Catch Up More: Because that’s totally going to happen.

11) “Well, it was great seeing you!”: This is often said with the level of sincerity as, “Wow, Aunt Mable, that organic fruit cake you baked was fantastic!” or, “Thanks for the root canal, Dr. Hanks!” If running into an ex is your idea of a “great” time, you’re probably a masochist.

12) The Walk Away: You know, where you disengage from the conversation, thinking that you’re totally better off without her, only to have John Waite’s “Missing You” start blaring inside your head as you walk away. Just save the self-pitying tears for when you’re alone, though; crying in public isn’t very becoming. Trust me.