ELLENSBURG, WA—Claiming that the introspective practice has completely changed his life, local man Simon Trimur told reporters Wednesday that his daily meditation routine was really helping him stay self-centered. “Practicing meditation every morning allows me to settle down and really focus on myself,” said Trimur, claiming that just 15 minutes of breathing exercises before work has markedly improved his ability to silence the distracting voices of those around him and foster an enduring sense of egotism. “Before I know it, the needs and wants of others melt away entirely. The weight of their problems just disappears, and all that remains is the peaceful sense that the universe is made for no one but me.” Trimur added that after skipping even a day or two of meditation, he suddenly finds himself infuriatingly distracted by the fact that other people exist.

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