A five second review of every James Bond movie (including Spectre)

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UPDATE: SPECTRE has been added. Spoilers have not.

@teecozee had never seen a Bond movie in his life.

TBS? TNT? Nope.

So I reviewed every Bond film in five seconds below for him. And for you, dear readers, as a handy guide.

I tried to keep these reviews spoiler free.

Maybe we’ll blog about them as we force Coze to watch them all?

PS: If the villain is a famous actor, I just put his name. If he’s not, you’ll see the character name. Confusing? Yep!

PSS: I didn’t draw the above image, but it’s hella dope. If you know who drew it, let me know and buy them lunch.

Dr. No

1962

Sean Connery

4 STARS

BEST – Dude. Sean Connery. The whole “fake dragon” thing on the island is bonkers weirdo, and fun.. Also, best supporting acting oscar should have gone to Sean Connery’s toupee. Ursula Andress = yes. Dr. No also has iron hands because.

Worst – A strange trio of three-blind mice hit men that have little to do with the plot and thankfully get blown up real quick. You know, also a bunch of itty-bitty racism.

Villain – Dr. Julius No

From Russia With Love

Sean Connery

1963

5 STARS

BEST – POISONED BLADE SHOE GO! Intro to Spectre and sinister cat-man. Also Bond fights the first of many tall strong blond men.

Worst – For an international band of super criminals, Spectre is really fucking bad at killing people. Poisoned blade shoe? Just. fucking. shoot. him.

Villain – Sinister cat man, Rosa Klebb, Tall Strong Blond Man 1

Goldfinger

1964

Sean Connery

5 STARS

BEST – Odd job kills shit with hats. The whole movie.

Worst – Starts a bit slow.

Villains – Goldfinger, Oddjob

Thunderball

1965

Sean Connery

3 STARS

BEST- Underwater speargun fight with, like, 300 stuntmen

Worst – The rest of the movie is booooring

Villains – Number 2 eyepatch dude

Casino Royale

1967

David Niven

ZERO STARS

Ever wish that every James Bond movie was a bad Pink Panther movie? Fuck this shit.

You Only Live Twice

1967

Sean Connery

5 STARS

BEST – There is a ninja battle in an exploding volcano at the end. Written by Roald Dahl (fucking seriously.)

Worst – The sound guy really likes the sounds of Oxford shoes on marble tiles. Also, at one point James Bond is given “asian eyes” to blend into Japan. Yikes.

Villains – Donald motherfucking Pleasence as Blofeld aka Bond’s nemesis aka sinister cat man. Tall strong blond man 2.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

1969

George Lazenby

5 STARS

BEST – The music in this movie is so fucking dope. Gritty action, great ski and bobsled chase. Emotional climax.

Worst – George Lazenby doesn’t fucking know how to ski, so there’s some crappy green screen shit.

Villains – Telly Savalas as Blofeld = awesome

Diamonds Are Forever

1971

Sean Connery

3 STARS

BEST – The opening scene is kick-ass. Also Crispin Glover’s dad is in a reject from Three Dog Night as two gay assassins. Yep.

Worst – They spend a lot of boring boring time in Vegas. And wiggy bond girl is a fucking chore.

Villains – Charles Grey as Blofeld (who also was in YOLT as a random character !!!??)

Live and Let Die

1973

Roger Moore

2 STARS

BEST – James Bond in Harlem. The 70’s jizzed all over this fucking movie. It’s also so racist it hurts. James Bond is fighting witch doctors and shit. Someone also gets blown up like a balloon.

Worst – Roger Moore always looks like he wants you to pull his finger in this one.

Villains – Evil Black people.

The Man with the Golden Gun

1974

Roger Moore

2 STARS

BEST – Christopher Lee is the bad guy.

Worst – This movie should be called James Bond’s Songs of the South. There’s an evil little-person called Knick Knack. The finale takes place in the cheapest fun-house since Grease. So much dumb shit.

Villain – Christopher Lee and his golden gun.

The Spy Who Loved Me

1977

Roger Moore

5 STARS

BEST – They finally got it right. James Bond teams up with Ringo Starr’s wife and fights JAWS (!!!) and an evil megalomanic. This one is great.

Worst – Some slow middle parts when they go to Egypt for no fucking reason. Also, Stromberg is not a thrilling villain to say the least. He mostly sits at a huge table and eats chicken.

Villain – JAWS and Karl Stromberg

Moonraker

1979

Roger Moore

3 STARS

BEST – There’s a fucking laser battle in space, which is so fucking stupid, but it’s also so stupid that it’s kinda cool. Jaws is also in this movie and gets a girlfriend. No joke. They also remade this movie as a video game.

Worst – There’s a stupid fucking laser battle in space. Basically the same plot as the last movie, only instead of starting a perfect world underwater it’s in space. YAWN

Villain – Hugo Drax

For Your Eyes Only

1981

Roger Moore

5 STARS

BEST – THE BEST OPENING SEQUENCE EVER. After they realized the last bond movie was retarded, this is Roger Moore’s version of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Pretty good, straight-forward action movie. Much darker than his other flicks. Surprisingly good.

Worst – All that drama can make it a bit slow.

Villain – Aristotle Kristatos

Never Say Never Again

Who Cares

Sean Connery

ZERO STARS

A remake of Thunderball. There’s a video game that eletrocutes people and Kim Basinger. Fuck this trash.

Octopussy

1983

Roger Moore

3 STARS

BEST – James Bond goes to India. If you think there’s a scene of him swinging like Tarzan through the jungle on vines, you’d be right. I love this movie, but it’s dumb as fuck. There are two completely different plots; one with a Russian general with a ridiculous mole, and one about who cares. Kamal Khan is great as the evil rich Indian / French / European jewel thief, forger… whatever.

Worst – The Russian General has a mole on his forehead which is seriously a problem.

Villain – Kamal Khan (who is great), and doesn’t have a mole. General Moley moley mole.

A View to a Kill

1985

Roger Moore

3 STARS

BEST – Okay, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS THE BAD GUY! GRACE JONES IS ALSO HERE! BLIMP FIGHT!

Worst – Roger Moore is literally 75 in this movie, and his relationship with the Bond girl is creepier then a Hugh Hefner wedding album. Also, they spend half of the movie on a horse breeding farm FOR NO FUCKING REASON. Walken’s evil scheme is possibly the dumbest.

Villain – CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. GRACE JONES.

The Living Daylights

1987

Timothy Dalton

1 STAR

BEST – Uggggggggggggg. The theme song is okay. But this movie is GARBAGGGEEE. There is a cool five minute plane fight scene that ends with someone holding a shoe.

Worst – The plot. There is none. And the villains are the biggest sack of suck ever.

Villain – General Georgi Koskov. General Jim Bob what-the-fuck. Tall strong blond man 3.

Licence to Kill

1989

Timothy Dalton

3 STARS

BEST – OKAY! Here we go. More Death Wish than James Bond, this movie is pretty great. JAMES BOND MURDERS THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE. Benicio Del Toro is in this shit. This movie is so fucking violent it should have been rated R. SOMEONE’S HEAD LITERALLY EXPLODES! Desmond Llewelyn also gets a ton of screen time as Q, which is great.

Worst – It’s not a James Bond movie, really. It’s a revenge flick. But it’s a good one.

Villain – Super big coke dealer guy. Benicio Del Toro. 80’s drug goons.

GoldenEye

1995

Pierce Brosnan

5 STARS

BEST – If only they had all been this good. It’s Pierce Brosnan vs Russia baby. Just a rock fucking solid cast, Alan Cumming, Sean Bean, Famke Janssen. Judi Dench as M is genius. Great action. And Pierce doesn’t have to do much more then look steely eyed which, we find out later, is all he can fucking do.

Worst – Until you figure out who’s behind it all, there’s a lot of talk about Cossacks and some dude named Yakov and blah blah which is a little boring.

Villain – SPOILER

Tomorrow Never Dies

1997

Pierce Brosnan

3 STARS

BEST – Jonathan Pryce makes this movie good playing Bill Gates as a bond villain. They are also in China a lot, which is cool, and Michelle Yeoh is probably the most kickass bond girl ever.

Worst – Pierce Brosnan still has the same expression on his face from the last movie. Uh oh.

Villain – Jonathan Pryce. Tall strong blond man 4.

The World Is Not Enough

1999

Pierce Brosnan

2 STARS

BEST – Robert Carlyle once again saving the day as the villain, even though his backstory about not feeling pain is dumb. He hates M, and wants revenge (sound familiar?)

Worst – OMFG Denise Richards is a nuclear scientist named Christmas Jones. I WONDER IF THEY’RE GONNA MAKE A CHRISTMAS SEX PUN? UUGGGGGGGGGG Also, Desmond Llewelyn’s last apperance as Q, which is fucking tragic.

Villain – Robert Carlyle. And there’s a garbage twist who cares.

Die Another Day

2002

Pierce Brosnan

ZERO STARS

BEST – Ever wish every James Bond was a Fast and the Furious movie? This movie is the worst bond film EVER MADE. Worse than the original Casino Royale. Worse than Never Say Never. It’s worth watching just to scream profanity at. MADONNA SINGS THE SONG AND HAS A SPEAKING PART. A VILLAIN HAS DIAMONDS IN HIS FACE. The main twist is so next-level retarded that I screamed YOU FUCKERS at the screen when it was revealed.

AND THAT FUCKING CGI SNOWBOARDING SCENE? HALLE BARRY AS CATWOMAN IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE????

GET OFF THE STAGE PIERCE BROSNAN

Worst – Poor Judi Dench is in this movie. Luckily she doesn’t have to do much.

Villain – Kim Jong Fuck This.

Casino Royale

2006

Daniel Craig

5 STARS

BEST – Omg. A Bond who can act. I once argued with Joe that Pierce Brosnan could act as well as Daniel Craig. I was drunk, and I was wrong. The best bond movie since On Her Majesties Secret Service, and the best bond since Sean Connery. Bond is a character again, and the love story is legit here folks. Eva Green is a goddamn star.

Worst – The ending is pretty fucking weak. It starts off amazing, with James Bond’s balls vs a ball of rope, and then kinda drags on a bit in Venice (who the fuck is the eye-patch guy?) until we’re set-up for the sequel, which turns out to be Quantum of Suck.

Villain – Mads Mikkelsen as “Bleeds out of Eye”

Quantum of Solace

2008

Daniel Craig

2 STARS

BEST – Daniel Craig is back. Thank god. For some reason, they decided to remake For Your Eyes Only, only make it worse. James Bond wants revenge, but then the movie forgets about that and focuses on a terrible villain who wants to steal Boliva’s water? What? Marc Forster, go fucking direct Monster’s Ball 2.

Worst – The final fight, with the main shrimpy villain squealing like a marmot and trying to fight James Bond with an ax, is soo painful. It’s like watching Jimmy Carter in a UFC cage match.

Villain – Dominic “I was good in Diving Bell and the Butterfly” Greene

Skyfall

2012

Daniel Craig

5 STARS

BEST – Javier Bardem may be the best James Bond villain ever. He’s at least a great match for Daniel Craig, and their scenes together are excellent. Judi Dench is also allowed to be a real actor in this movie, and she owns it. Great Bond mythos as well. GORGEOUSLY SHOT by Sam Mendes. And there’s the cameo that could have been. You know what I’m talking about.

Worst – Javier Bardem’s plot is, when examined, the most impossible, needlessly complicated thing ever and would never ever work in a million years. But it’s a Bond movie, after all.

Villain – Javier Bardem

Spectre

2015

Daniel Craig

5 STARS

BEST – Daniel Craig, take a mother-fucking bow. His last bond? My $$$ says so. This movie is what Star Trek Into Darkness could have been if J J Abrams was actually a Star Trek fan. This is a BOND MOVIE, in the classic sense. And it is also the funniest Bond movie since Octopussy. Christoph Waltz is great, but someone please get him some goddamn socks with his loafers. There are also at least two helicopter fights. And Dave “Drax” Bautista is an awesome henchman. He has silver thumbs! Or something. But he sure did clean the Big N’ Tall section out of four piece suits. The Bond love story here is legit, we actually care if the French girl from Blue is the Warmest Color catches a bullet with her face, and not just because I’ve seen her super naked in another movie. Monica Bellucci also appears in this movie as “Cougar Bang Bang.”

Worst – Bond movies suffer when Bond plays detective. I wonder who the bad guy is? Maybe it’s MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTOLPH WALTZ WHO’S SECOND BILLED! C’mooooon. What, he’s going to play “Lead Pool Boy”? There’s a lot of Bond investigating empty houses. Where’s the tension? Is Michael Myers gonna spring out from behind the couch? The only thing that can kill James Bond is audience apathy (and possibly syphilis.) Also, there’s a fight on a full train that suddenly becomes empty, James Bond accidentally murders thousands of Mexicans, and a certain dastardly, all-knowing villain forgets to TAKE OFF JAMES BOND’S WATCH???? DO YOU THINK IT COULD POSSIBLY BE SOME SORT OF SPY WATCH? Yeeesh.

Villain – Christoph Waltz as “Khan”, Dave Bautista as “HRRRRRR”, and some other “C”unt