Bernie Sanders Vows To Fight For $15 Maximum Wage

HARTFORD, CT—At a rally over the weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders promised to fight for a nation where no one can earn over $15 an hour.

"We live in a land where people can slave away and earn a lot of money," he said, flapping his arms about, his fingers flopping around like sausages. "The only fair thing to do is to enact a maximum wage. Every penny beyond $15 an hour will be taken away and given to our benefactors in the federal government, where it will be put to much better use."

"Besides, once my economic policies are enacted, no one will be able to make more than about $15 anyway."

"What could you peons possibly do with more money than that?" he said, his eyes twitching as though he'd been hit with nerve gas. "In Venezeula, for instance, all wages are equal at $0."

At publishing time, Sanders had confirmed that lucrative book deals wouldn't count toward the maximum wage limit.

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