WASHINGTON—Fed up with the constant notifications about threats to the United States, an exasperated President Trump was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from the boring national security email list, sources reported Thursday. “Every day, I get these stupid, dull emails about terrorist stuff or nuclear weapons testing, and I can’t find a way to make them stop,” said the president, adding that while he manually deletes the individual highly classified messages as he receives them, he wished there were an actual unsubscribe button so they wouldn’t “clog up [his] inbox” in the first place. “They really should be going to my spam folder, because I don’t remember giving anyone in the CIA or the Department of Homeland Security my email address. If I have to keep getting these top-secret briefings, they should at least make them fun to read. I bet nobody’s actually finished one of them in the history of this country.” At press time, Trump had called an IT person and asked if he could just stop getting emails from anyone with a .gov account.

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