(Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Post)

Being our semi-regular weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin' gets done, and where, in Paterson, that's just the way things go.

We have to start this week's tour in the newly insane state of North Carolina, where the dedication of the state legislature to getting past things seems isolated to the notion of "getting past" democracy. In November, the voters narrowly elected Roy Cooper, a Democrat, to replace Governor Pat McCrory, the man who put the "lavatories" in laboratories, much to the dismay of the local tourist economy.

Unfortunately, they left the Republican majorities in the state legislature intact, and those majorities are busy ensuring that Cooper will not have very much to do once he gets sworn in, and that he won't be able to do much of anything even if he tries. From The Charlotte Observer:

Lawmakers want to hobble the incoming Democratic governor, Roy Cooper, before he takes office Jan. 1 by making his Cabinet appointments subject to approval by the state Senate and cutting his ability to appoint members to UNC schools' boards of trustees and the state Board of Education. Another proposal in the mix would equally divide election boards between the two major political parties, ending control by the governor's party.

(This latter move likely would render the election boards as toothless as the FEC, and for the same reasons.)

Lewis, a Dunn Republican, said some of the appointment and election board changes were prompted by Cooper's election. "Some of the stuff we're doing, obviously if the election results were different, we might not be moving quite as fast on, but a lot of this stuff would have been done anyway and has been talked about for quite some time," he said. On the proposed Senate role in confirming Cabinet members, Lewis said: "We believe firmly that it's important for the legislature to be able to work with and communicate with the governor and the governor's cabinet selections." He noted Senate confirmation hearings were held earlier in North Carolina's history. "The framers of the constitution felt that Senate confirmation was important."

At least they're being upfront about it.

And, because North Carolina employs the Second Worst Idea In American Politics—to wit: an elected judiciary—the legislature is determined to monkey around with the state Supreme Court, largely because the voters sent back a Democratic majority there, too. From the Star-Telegram:

A Senate bill would shift power from the N.C. Supreme Court that will be controlled by Democrats to the 15-member state Court of Appeals that will have a Republican majority. The Nov. 8 election shifted the political makeup of the state Supreme Court to a 4-3 Democratic majority, while Republicans won five seats on the appeals court that is one step below the Supreme Court. Lawmakers propose removing the right to make a constitutional challenge in a direct appeal to the state Supreme Court from Superior Court, a process approved by the Republican-led legislature while it had control of both legislative chambers, the governor's office and a 4-3 majority on the state's highest court. Under the bill introduced Wednesday, any such cases would have to be first heard by all 15 members of the Court of Appeals before the state's highest court could review the challenge. The bill also would add state Supreme Court justices to those positions in which party affiliation will be listed on the ballot. The legislature changed the law this summer so that Republicans were listed first on the state Court of Appeals ballots with their party affiliation included.

This is a brazen—and utterly shameless—attempt to jerry-rig the state's constitutional order so as to reverse the results of an election that didn't even go that badly for Republicans. They miss no tricks and they never, ever stop. Ni shagu nazad.

We swing over to Arkansas and discover via The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette that something similarly Charlie-Brown-Meets-Football has been happening in that state's legislature as well.

The move means Democrats no longer have a majority on the House Revenue and Taxation Committee of the next General Assembly. When the committee meets during the regular session that starts Jan. 9, it will have 10 Republicans and 10 Democrats…"This is not a decision I made lightly," Jett said in his statement. "I have given this a considerable amount of time, thought and prayer. I was encouraged to move forward after meeting with constituents throughout District 56." Democrats, on the basis of seniority, had worked together to take control of the Revenue and Taxation Committee during a session last month. Jett has been chairman. Tax cuts are expected to be a source of contention in the upcoming session. Democrats had said that control of the House tax committee would allow them to influence decisions on whether the Legislature should cut taxes and, if so, which taxes to cut.

Well, as long as he prayed over it, I guess it's OK. "Dear Lord: please give me your strength as I sell out. Be my shield and my buckler against those who would call me a noxious and inconstant poltroon. In Jesus' Name, I pray, unless I get a better offer…"

We move north to Michigan, where it seems the recount process of the most recent presidential election has evolved into something like a tickertape parade. From The Detroit News:

Michigan's largest county voted overwhelmingly for Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, but officials couldn't reconcile vote totals for 610 of 1,680 precincts during a countywide canvass of vote results late last month. Most of those are in heavily Democratic Detroit, where the number of ballots in precinct poll books did not match those of voting machine printout reports in 59 percent of precincts, 392 of 662…County reports obtained by The Detroit News, though, indicate canvassers were provided no explanation for why the numbers didn't add up in those precincts. They certified the results of the election anyway. In Detroit, 158 of the 392 precincts with ballot discrepancies had just one extra ballot accounted for either in the poll book or in the ballot box, according to the Wayne County's canvassing report. For suburban Wayne County, 72 percent of the 218 precincts boxes with discrepancies in the number of ballots were off by one ballot. The other ballot discrepancies in Detroit and Wayne County precincts ranged between two and five ballots, according to the report.

There are all sorts of dark suspicions about these apparent anomalies. But, at this point, the way we do elections in this country is so utterly fcked that it's probably a waste of effort to rig them.

Off we go west to Washington, which generally has been thought of as a kind of blue oasis, at least in its eastern (or non-Aryan Nation) half. But, emboldened by the election of El Caudillo del Mar-A-Lago, there are freak flags flying all over the state capitol these days, at least according to The Seattle Times.

Yet three Republican lawmakers have decided stadium safety would, in fact, be enhanced if the bare-chested guy next to you in face paint is also packing to defend you from ISIS.

Not to mention what it would do for Pete Carroll's piece of mind the next time he goes for a field goal on fourth-and-one with the spread on the line.

Finally, lawmakers offered up a perennial idea, but with some new urgency this year — that the way to really Make Washington Great Again is to break it in two. Under House Joint Memorial 4000, Eastern Washington would secede from the state. We here in Puget Sound are apparently harshing their freedom-loving buzz whenever they want to, say, kill some wolves, or log forests or work for sub-minimum wages. "The Puget Sound rules from its iron throne or ivory tower, take your pick," said state Rep. Matt Shea, R-Spokane Valley, who is pushing secession. I like the "Game of Thrones" reference! I'm OK with secession; my only issue is the name they've dreamed up for this new state, which is "Liberty." Outside of Alaska, Eastern Washington is maybe the most subsidized, government-backed region in the nation, from the dam-irrigation system to the billions of tax dollars flowing into Hanford [from] King County propping up its schools, roads and hospitals.

I still have hope that, one day, we'll no longer be pestered by these hayseed Founding Father cosplayers, but I'm no longer sure I'll live to see it.

And we conclude, as is our custom, with the great state of Oklahoma, where Blog Official Reindeer Games Back Judge Friedman Of The Plains is on a well-deserved break, but where our crack research staff has discovered that Governor Mary Fallin and her pet legislature would like to harangue you more and more on the subject of fetus-fondling, and that they've gone out of their way to identify a captive audience. From Time:

…the state plans to require anti-abortion signs in restrooms in restaurants, public schools, hospitals and nursing homes.The signs, per AP, would read, in part: "There are many public and private agencies willing and able to help you carry your child to term and assist you and your child after your child is born, whether you choose to keep your child or to place him or her for adoption. The State of Oklahoma strongly urges you to contact them if you are pregnant." The signs are required to be posted in these institutions by January 2018. The provision was part of a law passed by the state legislature earlier this year that requires the state to produce informational material for pregnant women "for the purpose of achieving an abortion-free society," according to AP. The state legislature did not allocate any funds for the signs, which are expected to cost more than $2 million. "We don't have any concern about the information they're trying to get out to women about their babies and their pregnancy. This is just the wrong way to do it," Oklahoma Restaurant Association President Jim Hooper told the AP. "It's just another mandate on small business."

Yeah, Jim. It's the assault on the free market that makes this truly nuts.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

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Charles P. Pierce Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976.

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