I'm sure the Girl Scouts do all kinds of wonderful things, but the only part of scouting that I care about revolves around cookies. Every year I wait for the chance to hand cash to those tiny entrepreneurs in exchange for sugar. Thin Mints, Peanut Butter Patties, Caramel deLites--these are the stuff of dreams! So, when I heard that the Girl Scouts were introducing a new cookie to their 2013 lineup, I ripped off my sash (made it myself!) and ran around my house in excitement. And then I found out exactly what the new cookie was going to be and collapsed to the ground crying.

ABC Bakers describes "Mango Cremes with NutriFusion" as "crunchy vanilla and coconut cookies with a mango-flavored creme filling." They "have all the nutrient benefits of eating cranberries, pomegranates, oranges, grapes, and strawberries." FUN! Oh, wait, not really. In fact, I never want to eat them. I'd sooner scarf an entire box of that gross microwave Boy Scout popcorn than eat anything with NutriFusion. So I did what any Girl Scout Cookie-loving sociopath person would do in my situation: I sneaked into the Girl Scout Test Kitchen (location: undisclosed) to see what their other options were. The results will astound you. They will horrify you. They will convince you that "Mango Cremes with NutriFusion" were the best choice they had. Seriously. Just look at the other cookies in active development:

Spooky Pooks

These Halloween-themed monstrosities are made with chocolate bat-shaped sandwich cookies filled with liquified candy corn and crushed peanuts. Rumor has it that early testing sent a full troop of Girl Scouts into glycemic shock.

Peps with 5-hour Energy

After a long day at school, some Girl Scouts have trouble focusing at get-togethers. Peps were created to fight this problem. They're yogurt-covered creme cookies, but the filling has been spiked with 5-hour Energy® for a little extra boost. Good luck at bedtime, parents.

Honey Boo-Boos

As the Girl Scouts' first celebrity cookie tie-in, Honey Boo-Boos are a combination of shortbread cookies, peanut butter, "Go Go Juice," and sweetened beef jerky. Their flavor can best be described as fermented vomit mixed with fruit roll-ups.

NoGluties

The Girl Scouts are sensitive to special needs. With more and more diagnoses of gluten-intolerance, it only made sense to offer a gluten-free cookie. NoGluties are made with a thin wafer of pulverized pomegranate seeds and topped with a decadent carob coating. After sampling one in the test kitchen, I wanted to die.

Badge Winners with MMR Boost

Kids hate getting shots. That's why the Girl Scouts created these Badge Winners. The vanilla cookies are drizzled with caramel and stuffed with a chocolate creme filling that's been enhanced with an edible form of the vaccine for measles, mumps, and rubella. One cookie is all it takes to fight these debilitating diseases. Eat one and Girl Scouts get their vaccine badges. Each more than one and they wind up in the hospital.

After seeing these other options, I stopped hating on Mango Cremes with NutriFusion. After all, it's important to make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other sits in the back of your cabinet and grows mold.

Based in Los Angeles, Jason Kessler has written for television shows such as NBC's The Office, True Jackson, VP on Nickelodeon, and The MTV Movie Awards.

Photo by Matt Armendariz.

Follow him on Twitter @TheHungryClown

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