BRIDGEPORT, CT—Explaining that while he spends some time approving various trades and making necessary point corrections, local 29-year-old Adam Crawford admitted to reporters Thursday that his primary duty as commissioner of his “Hüskie Dü” ESPN fantasy football league has been convincing friend Jake Morrison to actually give a shit. “Jake was pretty good for the first bit of the season, but then he just forgot to update his roster for two straight weeks, so I had to really get on his case about it,” said Crawford, adding that he is forced to constantly send texts and emails reminding Jake to lock in his team before kickoffs and to bench any players who are on bye weeks. “Honestly, it’s the same thing every year with him—he spent half of last season with fucking Trent Richardson as his starting running back. Occasionally, I’ll offer him a good trade just so he can get more excited about his team, and once in a while, I’ll just message him the exact lineup he should start based on who he’s up against, but half the time he won’t even respond. It’s really infuriating.” At press time, sources confirmed that Jake is currently in first place in the league with a 3-1 record.

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