The one question brought up most from vanillas about swingers and polyamory was how could I stand to see other women all over “my” man. Was jealousy a problem? I found it culturally interesting that in the Southern U.S., there wasn’t anything said about me, from other women, about being a willing and active participate in these lifestyles. So typically I tell them the story of My Husband.

My husband is gorgeous and made a pretty awesome kid with me. We also met as single swingers, so from the beginning we’ve seen each other sexually with others. I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve sat across the room and seen him masterfully fuck another woman. There was a time I had to stroll over and warn the lady blowing him to watch out when he came, because if he went off in her face, he might put an eye out. We have a lesbian couple as friends who have him on a short list of straight guys they play with. We’d show up, they’d come over and kiss me on the cheek, then drag him off. Best story is how a couple did amateur porn, and wanted my husband to do a short film with the wife. The cameras were set up, and the other husband and I discussed cameras and film angles while the action played out a few feet away.

People try to play the jealousy card all the time, attempting to make you angry at your partner for some slight or another. My husband can’t make me jealous, another woman can’t make me jealous. Only I CAN MAKE ME JEALOUS. I’m supremely confident my husband will be in the car with me the day after the party. He’s not “my man” in the sense that he’s property. He likes to joke that he’s like a tennis bracelet that I loan out to my friends. I always ask these same women if I need a leash and tags on him before we go out. The purpose of swinging and polyamory is to break out of the cycle of ownership marriage, to be open to a different dichotomy of a relationship.

So I tell the vanillas that look, monogamy just doesn’t work for everyone. If both parties are honest and open, alt relationships work. I don’t own my husband, he doesn’t own me, and we try to work things out, just like any marriage. If you are the least bit insecure, don’t go down this path. Why isn’t this simple?