Warning: this is kind of a personal one, so don’t judge me.

Six months ago or so, it was suggested by a psychologist that I may have bipolar disorder type II. At the time I agreed with the diagnosis because I felt like an insane person and had for a few months solid. Now, I’m not sure if I agree or not because I’ve been feeling fine, but I’ve continued to look into it to really try and nail down what I need to be focusing on in terms of mental health.

(Note: cycles in bipolar disorder can go months in between an episode and it’s really common for people who have BDII to question their diagnosis when they’re feeling normal. I realize that this is very possibly the case.)

So a little background: My life was very stressful at the time of, and leading up to, my diagnosis. It’s common for stressful life events to trigger an episode or to greatly exacerbate things. I think my first depressive episode was when I was about 19. I didn’t realize I was depressed but looking back it’s like whoa how did someone not realize?

So anyway, when I was feeling crazy, I started to research psychology pretty heavily. I thought I might have Borderline Personality Disorder but my Dr. said nope. So with my tentative diagnosis, I went crazy with research (this is my way, and it always has been).

One important thing that I began to realize as I was researching, is that diagnoses are just labels. They are broad-spectrum — an overview of what is going on in the brain so that treatment is pointed in the correct general direction. Lots of people think that with mental illness you either “have” it, or you don’t. But it’s not that black and white. The reality is, some people have treatable mental illnesses but they never seek treatment. But if your mental state is disrupting your life — you can’t cope — then concern for your mental health is valid. Period.

Please don’t say to someone, “you don’t really have that,” or “everyone gets sad, I feel depressed sometimes too.” Really. It’s not cool.

So, refocusing. Once I got into the correct line of thinking about mental health, I began to instead focus on brain chemistry and neurotransmitters. Science over psychology. What exactly is going on inside my brain? First, I recounted my problem areas. Impulsiveness, anxiety, depression. Broad, but enough to work with.

My doctor had given me a GABA supplement to try and it worked… until it didn’t anymore. It mellowed me out, relaxed my body and mind. So I took it and took it and took it until, in a few weeks, I couldn’t feel it anymore. When I went back in, she gave me 5-htp, which is supposed to boost serotonin production. I started crying almost immediately. “That’s weird,” my Dr. said. Come to find out later on, serotonin-enhancing drugs and supplements can actually make those with bipolar disorder have worse mood swings. And that’s why the antidepressant I was prescribed (an SNRI) made me feel worse. So serotonin wasn’t my main issue.

This led me to look at my dopamine receptors. If serotonin is responsible for a calm sense of well-being, dopamine is like the adrenaline of happiness. It causes risky behavior because you want more more more more forever. Sounds like everything I’ve ever done in my life.

(For example, alcohol releases dopamine. If you’ve ever drank with me, you know that once I get started, I don’t stop.)

So, I figured, too much dopamine, too little serotonin as a secondary issue, which would explain depression. And they feed into each other. My serotonin doesn’t make me happy enough, so I rely on the excitement of dopamine to get me up. So, I looked into it… “low serotonin, high dopamine.” Turns out this is a thing.

So how would this affect my personality? Sounds to me like dopamine makes people into extraverts because they are always seeking novelty and excitement. With a little research, turns out this is also a thing.

So I start looking into pharmaceutical drugs that lower dopamine production in the brain. Honestly, it’s kind of a scary thought because that’s basically like, how can I make my life less fun? But, I realize that stability is really the goal. Turns out what works best for low serotonin/high dopamine is anti-psychotics that are used to treat bipolar disorder. Just like the drug I was prescribed and decided to stop taking.

Well shit, looks like my doctor knew what she was doing after all.

If you want to read a slightly dramatized version of my experience, here you go.