Wow. I never even imagined seeing my shitty AAR right below the prestigious and honoured Civ Battle Royale. Is this reality? Or is this just fantasy?



I'm so glad it's back, after a hiatus of almost a year. If you want to know what the hell this is, check out r/civbattleroyale and join the shitposting fun. Also FLAIR UP if you do, and join Team Bordergore aka TopKek aka Finland.

That's enough shilling, back to M&T. The Aquitainian (and albretian but who cares about them) War of Indepence against the King of England continues. This part has accordingly been named A Storm of Swords, a reference to one of the best ASOIAF books.



Portugal is getting gang raped by Castile, Aquitaine and Albret. I haven't joined the fun as I have a country to defend.



Fun fact: If George R. R. Martin had written one page per day, Winds of Winter would've been released last year. At this point, I've lost all hope like all the other book fans have.



I was in the same building as George some time ago but I didn't see him. Should've found him and asked "wHeRe Is ThE bOoK gEoRgE" but I'm sure other fans have already done that a thousand times.

I fucked up with this screenshot as I accidentally clicked on the war declaration notification in the side. When I hovered over it, it showed a humorous message and I wanted to take a screen. But for some reason I clicked on it. Now it's less humorous.



god i slept 3 hours last night help



The fortress of Beira Alta fell and the Castilians marched west. The portugese tried to stop them. Emphasis on tried.



They did kill or wound 3400 castilians. Gold star for trying.

The castilian navy refuses to be overshadowed by the army and so the mighty fleet sails out of port to win a glorious victory. However, the portugese are far stronger on sea than on land. Victory won't be easy to gain.

After a long battle, four castilian caravels lie in the bottom of the sea and many are badly damaged, with broken masts and torn sails. The humiliated navy retreats from battle and the portugese stand victorious, having lost no ships. General Herpesdildo proceeds to make fun of Admiral Alonso.

Press F to pay respects. Not to Ryazan as it's still alive, but to my dream of Ryazan becoming the capital of Russia.

Unfortunately for Portugal, in EU4 (and other paradox games) the weaker side has no option other than to bend over and take it up the ass. No guerilla warfare for you.



Aquitaine puts their noble levies in the centre and throws them at the enemy frontlines. Classy.



Marco (not Polo) surrenders and the remnants of his battered army are taken prisoner. Antoine of Aquitaine won a great victory.

Back in Brittany, a terrible noise can be heard coming from the sea. Bagpipes. The scots have returned.



Loïc&Louis move north to throw the invaders and their satanic instruments back into the sea.

The foe is outnumbered, but gives a touch fight.

Soon the scots crumble and retreat, to no avail. Survivors are captured and taken prisoner.



Not sure what the AI was hoping to accomplish with such a small army.

The situation in April of 1424. Portugal is crying as three dicks penetrate it, Aquitaine is blockaded and we're recovering from the battles with the Scots. The French sit and eat baguettes.

After the general of the castilian army mocked admiral Alonso, he ordered his fleet to attack the english fleet, which thankfully was weaker than the portugese one. He could recover his honour as they had one more caravel than the anglos.

Then the portugese arrive to help and Alonso does a 180 degree turn with his flagship and sails away. Two caravels were lost, but at least Mary Gloria was sunk. Although that didn't stop Herpesdildo from making more fun of Alonso.

Portugal needs therapy and counseling after this. Lisbon is the last free city. Most inhabitants have already fled, leaving behind a tiny garrison that is shitting their pants.

While the Castilian navy is unable to blockade the city, the Castilian army has more than enough firepower to fuck the place up.

Bagpipes again. They're relentless, aren't they?

I'm having deja vu right now.



At least we lost less troops than last time.

Louis sends a letter to Jane, saying that they should ask Anne de Blois to ask her husband Felipe I to help them defend their homeland. Jane thinks people would see her as a coward and wants to instead show that she is a strong and independent Duchess.

Augschburg and Augsburg have fused into a superior entity.

Lisbon falls and the occupants begin to clean the walls and the castles from shit that came from terrified defenders. Herpesdildo decided to give this honourable task to Aquitaine.



The Pope is dead and was replaced. The new Pope is known to be little more than a pawn of the de Medici whose influence has grown rapidly recently.

Alonso is sick of being mocked and tries to win again.

He failed again. Didn't sink a single ship, but lost three caravels. How embarrasing.

The King of Navarre (also king of Aragon) sends a letter to Jane, calling her mother a hamster and saying her father smelt of elderberries. Jane replies with such a sick burn that even the victim is impressed. The Duke of Anjou and the King of France commend Jane for such a clever and ingenious reply.



Too bad I don't have a silver tongue and thus can't come up with anything clever.

Reports come from the western coast that the English navy has been spotted. Loïc&Louis hurry to defend Brest from invaders.



This battle is going to be a tough one, as they have six thousand men.

The two armies meet on the farmland north of Brest. As the enemy has a large number of archers and the Bretons have a large number of cavalry, Louis decides that victory will be won on horseback. He leads the knights to flank the anglos. Volleys of arrows rain down upon them and stakes obstruct their movement, but they keep going. A fierce melee begins on the left flank as the enemy cavalry moves to counter them.



After half an hour, the beaten and bloodied enemy gallops away, leaving behind hundreds of dead and wounded and a standard to be captured. However, no one sees Duke Louis anywhere. Officers quickly ask his surviving bodyguards where they last saw him. The response is chilling: He was leading at the front and was last seen when the two masses of horsemen collided, before the chaos began. Some men are left behind to look for his corpse as the officers bark orders to their cavalry and lead them forward. They have a battle to win, after all.

While Welsh archers felled many a brave man and almost a thousand knights are unable to continue the fight, we have won the battle. But it is a pyrrhic victory. And not just because we took heavy casualties.



Louis' cold corpse is found after an hour of searching, crushed under the lacerated corpse of his favourite black stallion. A group of strong men lift the horse and Louis is dragged from under it. His face is mangled beyond recognition and nothing remains of his glorious moustache except for a muddy mess of flesh, tendons, hair and bone.



Louis is carried back to camp and cleaned in the water of a nearby river. Later it is taken on a barge down the river to Brest, where it is embalmed in the local church. His ruined face is covered with a cloth. A procession is held and many mourn the passing of the brave French Duke, for they were professional mourners hired by the officers of the army. The rest aren't too sad as Loïc is the true renowned war-hero, but are afraid instead as a Duke's death is an ill omen. Surely the cattle will get sick and the water will get poisoned?



Loïc is shocked and scared. Shocked, because his best friend had died. Scared, because now he can't hide his incompetence. Then his headache worsens.

The remnants of the English army scatter eastward and the Bretons lose many men hunting them down. But eventually, all are captured, wounded or dead.

News come from the north: bagpipes had been heard again. The Scots are back.



Louis' body is carried in a procession towards Nantes. A messenger goes ahead of it and tells the Duchess about what had happened.



She faints and spends the next three days locked in his personal quarters mourning and praying to Jesus.

Loïc and his council of noble officers camp in Saint Malo and wait for reinforcements to arrive. Meanwhile the Scottish army besieges towns on the northern coast.



Just as the army is about to leave and march west to crush the weaker Scottish force, reports come from the east that the English are coming with a new army.



Loïc moans and rubs his pained head. The officers are dumbfounded when the mastermind general has no idea about what to do next. A dispute is ignited, swords are drawn from their scabbards and waved threateningly. Finally, it is """agreed""" that the army will hurry west to beat the Scots before the English arrive. If they are allowed to unite, the Bretons have little chance against them.

The battle is fierce and bloody, but after many hours the Scots run away. Three standards are captured. The English have not yet arrived and apparently are still preparing to land. The exhausted army is ordered to march south away from the coast, as they have no strength to resist the invaders unless they recover.



The streets of Nantes are arranged for the funeral. The burghers are told to white lime the houses along the procession route and banners and standards taken from the Scots and the English are placed out. Everyone is dressed in black, including Jane, Francois, the Duke of Bar and the Bishop of Rennes. Money is thrown to people watching, presumably by the orders of Jane. When Louis' body, dressed in fine clothes and jewelry, his face covered by a mask, reaches the church, a ceremony is held. After two hours Duke Louis is entombed alongside the other Dukes of Brittany, such as Charles the Blessed and John the Wastrel. The end of the funeral is marked by the booming sound of three bombards firing.



Jane retreats to her quarters again and is not seen for many days.

AAGH WHAT THE FUCK

DAMMIT GAME YOU TOLD ME I WOULD ESCAPE IN TIME AND THAT THERE WOULD BE NO BATTLE

WHY YOU GOTTA LIE TO ME ASSHAT



wait why am i shouting at a series of tiny glowing lamps



Ahem. Back to the AAR.



As the Bretons are marching south, scouts report that enemy archers are already encircling them. Turns out they had landed already and had now intercepted the army. As noble officers blame each other and argue about what to do, Loïc is bedridden, his headache worse than ever before.

Led by Oliver Jernyngham, the English had outmaneuvered their foe and surrounded them. What followed was a slaughter. The cavalry, led by mounted officers, manages to break through the enemy lines and retreat, but the infantry is left behind to be slaughtered by a whistling rain of arrows. All wagons are left behind, filled with loot and captured standards. Loïc had been thrown onto a horse and barely stays on it.



It is a humiliating defeat, and news of it spread quickly. Loïc's fame crumbles instantly and some notice an odd coincidence: after Louis' death, the performance of the army had worsened. Maybe he was the mastermind behind the scenes after all.



At this point I mumbled "no voi vittu" at my computer and almost got a headache as well.

The remnants of the Scottish army join with the English who are celebrating their victory by raping captured women who had been with the Breton army. More ships land on the secure coast, filled with angry scotsmen wearing pretty kilts.



Just kidding, scots didn't start wearing kilts until later in the 15th century. And even then it was only the highlanders.



The beaten knights of Brittany return to Nantes and do not receive a warm welcome. Jane has come out of her room but spends most of the day staring out of her window into the distance, so her council is forced to do most of the work. Men are sent to the countryside to raise additional levies while the knights lick their wounds.

The Scots and the English split up. The former continues to besiege Treguier and other towns while Oliver and his men surround Rennes. Possibly a symbolic gesture, as Breton Dukes are crowned by its bishop.



Meanwhile in Nantes, about a thousand men have been gathered to reinforce the army. Not only that, but the sound of horns sign the arrival of an army from Albret. The general, Arnaud-Bernard, offers his condolences and his assistance. Jane accepts both.

Months later the Breton army is ready to march west. The infantry has trouble keeping up with the large number of cavalry and therefore progress is slow. A message arriving from Treguier that says "shit's fucked yo" hastens them.



Loïc's headache isn't as bad as before, but now he's suffering from amnesia. When asked if he still feels sad about Louis' passing, he wrinkles his forehead in confusion and asks who he is.



Even if the English come to aid their cross-dressing pals, we should win. Don't forget we get extra soldiers from Treguier's fort.

Oliver's English army refuses to abandon the siege of Saint Malo and doesn't seem to give a fuck when their allies are getting fucked. The Scottish flanks are crushed and soon the infantry has cavalry lances up their ass. Soldiers of Albret hold the line. Thanks, bro. I'll be sure to repay you. With nothing.



Loïc surprisingly leads the charge, waving his sword wildly, his eyes burning with madness. He shouts to his men that the demons must be driven back to hell.



Forgot to mention he has hallucinations too.

Oliver has a change of heart way too fucking late and decides to come aid their already defeated friends.

However, the arrival of fresh reinforcements is too much for our men to handle. Several arrow volleys later and many regiments have routed, leaving behind men turned into bleeding pincushions.



Then one of the soldiers looks south and smiles, his eyes gleaming. "The Spaniards are coming! The Spaniards are coming!"

Then an arrow penetrates his skull and kills him instantly.



Breton and Albretian armies are shattered and flee for the hills. Many noble officers lie amongst the dead, although they won't get funeral processions like Louis did. Their corpses are stripped bare and the fancy armour and jewelry they were wearing is divided amongst the men.



Oliver and Cináed celebrate by sharing a big tankard of guiness.

The defeat only makes Loïc more convinced that the army of... fairies? Was it fairies or demons? Must've been fairies. The army of fairies must be defeated at any cost. It is his duty to defend the three-faced God's crystal shrines from the evil fairies who seek to use their powers to turn men into women.



Forgot to mention Loïc went batshit insane.

The beer party is rudely interrupted by a huge Castilian warhost that absolutely crushes the English and the Scottish. Cannonballs tear through their lines and halberdiers stab their way through the little infantry the enemy has defending their archers.



Speaking of archers, here's the outrageous stats of Welsh Longbowmen.

For comparison, here's the stats of a regular infantry unit.



At least the longbowmen have poor morale. That totally counters their SIX FUCKING SHOCK PIPS



Oliver and Cináed surrender at the end and so do their remaining soldiers. Herpesdildo celebrates his victory by drinking a tankard of guiness and sends a bunch of captured standards to Admiral Alonso, just to spite him.

J U S T

U

S

T



F U C K

U

C

K



M Y

Y



S H I T

H

I

T



U P

P



Cairo is at 18 pop. Holy shit, I've never seen it this low.

The inhabitants of Saint Malo are suffering from the blockade and ask the Duchess for help. She pays for merchants to transport relief supplies via land, showing that even if she is still shaken by Louis' death, she cares for her subjects.

The situation of the war in March 1427. We're well on our way to victory and Portugal is still suffering from her rape. We've taken more casualties than the enemy, and quite a lot more too. The enemy outnumbers us at sea.

The blockade of Aquitaine has been lifted, the portugese ships are nowehere to be seen and the Castilians begin to prepare a naval invasion of England to end the war. Meanwhile we've fully recovered.



I debate whether to build transport ships, but considering how long build times are and how I'd rather save my money for something else, I decide to not build them. Let the Castilians do the dirty work.

This is the second time Portugal has gone bankrupt. Their navy won't be able to do jack shit because they get paid jack shit.

OH



Thanks for the money, I guess. I don't really need it but GIVE THAT DOSH TO ME BITCH

Holy shit, the Hafsids just took all of Nile Delta from the Mamluks. That's a fuck load of pop and infrastructure.



If I were the Mamluks I'd kill myself. Not that I wouldn't do that otherwise.



HAHAHA I'M JUST JOKING

While England is busy fighting, the Irish clans see their opportunity to gain independence and to proclaim a Kingdom of Ireland.

The Castilians are attacked at sea by the Scottish. At this point, it seems like Alonso has completely given up and has sunken into depression.



But now there is a chance for the Breton navy to shine.

oh great my people are angry at me for defending our homeland



listen up kids, there's jack shit i can do. send your complaints to Aquitaine, not me.

The Scottish fleet is defeated in the fierce battle at sea. We lost no ships, although Rolland took some damage. The enemy navy is now practically neutralized as they won't be able to oppose us with two caravels and four cogs.



May this be the first naval victory of many more to come.

Aquitaine lands an army in Wessex, even as their transports are attacked. I'd join in but I'm afraid of the English navy. Haven't seen them in a long time and have no idea how powerful they are.



yes i know i can use the ledger but that's technically fucking cheating shut up

The nobility presents a great gift to Jane, hoping to elevate her mood enough so she would do her fucking job. She accepts the gift and uses it to her advantage by spreading the word that her noble subjects respect and love her.



She seems to be recovering nicely.

The Aquitainian army is attacked in Oxford by the English while the Castilians make the very poor and dumb decision of landing on Ireland. Meanwhile our less damaged ships try to blockade Wessex.



Looks like there's not much of the English navy left. Phew, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

"Tháinig tú chuig an gcomharsanacht mícheart."

Ye came to the wrong neighbourhood, maggot.



The Castilians promptly and wisely decide to bugger off.

The Aquitainians have learned the masterful Scottish strategy of repeated naval invasions and are using it to full effect.



That effect being miserable failure. You do know the Scots failed to defeat me with that tactic, right?



Now I'm starting to think building transport ships would've been a good idea. Eh, whatever, the war is almost over.

Well at least some of the Aquitainian army survived. The previous army was stackwiped.



Also, Portugal went bankrupt again recently.



The Castilians decide to employ the same tactic the Aquitainians used. Surely it will work.

F U C K I N G N O P E

Aquitaine's Duke shrugs and says "Welp, fuck it". Envoys arrive in Brest in between England and Aquitaine to negotiate a truce. The war is finally over after six long and bloody years.



Our prestige is back to positive and we're swimming in gold. This war went pretty well for us! Oh, and also our manpower is down to 6000 and tens of thousands died, but whatever.



Our side took way more casualties from attrition and lost way more ships. The independence of Aquitaine (and Albret) came at a high cost.



Jane is glad to hear the news of peace and is happy to know his husband did not die in vain. Now that she has a lot of gold in reserves, she wants to honour his memory in some way.



Loïc already forgot about everything and is now hoarding shoes in his home and has painted the walls red to keep angelic goblins away from his beloved shoes. His reputation is gone, but at least he's happy with his shoe collection.

You're welcome, ungrateful asshole.



Oh come on, sure John betrayed you and took a port from you, but let bygones be bygones. Also we might've done some rapes and town burning in a previous war but hey, it's no reason to hold a grudge.

Man, they really want La Rochelle back, don't they?

England is pretty mad too.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nantes_Cathedral



Jane announces the construction of a cathedral in Nantes after gaining acceptance from the local bishop Jean de Malestroit, the bishop of Rennes and the Pope. She lays the foundation stone with Jean and asks his son to assist the architect Guillaume de Dammartin. Simultaneously the construction of a new, fancier tomb for Louis connected to the cathedral begins.



Why am I building a practically useless cathedral? Well, remember the SUPERCATHEDRALS I showed off last time? Jane announces the construction of a cathedral in Nantes after gaining acceptance from the local bishop Jean de Malestroit, the bishop of Rennes and the Pope. She lays the foundation stone with Jean and asks his son to assist the architect Guillaume de Dammartin. Simultaneously the construction of a new, fancier tomb for Louis connected to the cathedral begins.Why am I building a practically useless cathedral? Well, remember the SUPERCATHEDRALS I showed off last time?

Yup, I'm gonna build one. First, I need a cathedral in my capital, which I surprisingly did not have.

The Duke of Aquitaine gets aggressive and stations his army in Poitou. He claims Nantes to be rightful part of his Duchy and that it doesn't belong to Brittany at all. People there don't even speak Breton, after all.

The fact that Aquitaine is also allied with my ally Castile is scary. They also have a royal marriage with my rival Aragon. If that upgrades into an alliance, then the scariness will be doubled.

Oh



This shall also go to the "Top 10 Anime Betrayals" list. Man, Castile is such a traitor in this campaign.



They want to take Baiona, a port in the mouth of a river inhabited by Basque people. Not sure how you can use nationalist casus belli centuries before the formation of nationalist ideologies.

Now I'm no longer scared. Aquitaine decides to help out its small ally and breaks the alliance with Castile. Their army has vanished from Poitou and is presumably marching south.

Naples controls the Holy See again as the Pope is replaced once more.

Surprisingly, the Aquitainians beat back Herpesdildo's army. Their commander Antoine is very capable, even if he did try to copy terrible Scottish tactics in the recent war.





I finish Admin ideas and get some sweet bonuses. We can start using admin power to unlock delicious ascetic ideas. Jane is back to work now, after going on a long pilgrimage around Brittany called Tro Breizh ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tro_Breizh) to finally accept Louis' death and reconnect with God. Although she was back at work during the pilgrimage, for she inspected her realm while traversing across it and helped out local nobles, peasants and burghers. Back in Nantes she decides to implement some administrative reforms.I finish Admin ideas and get some sweet bonuses. We can start using admin power to unlock delicious ascetic ideas.

OH HELL YES THE FAMINE MECHANIC IS WORKING



Or, well, somewhat working as this is the only place in the world with famine. But hey, at least it's SOMEWHAT working instead of not at all working. I'm not going to explain famine mechanics yet, though, and will instead wait for a proper large famine to appear in Europe. Hopefully.



shut the fuck up i only used terra incognita cheat to check if the famine mechanic was working it wasn't techinally cheating

Full-rigged ships motherfucker. We're rushing diplo tech like there's no tomorrow.



Meanwhile Aquitaine has impressively managed to take Biscay and Bilbao.

All of Ireland has been occupied by rebellious irishmen and the English still haven't managed to defeat the rebel armies.

While Aquitaine was besieging Biscay Castile took the capital of Albret and then moved to take the war goal port. Aquitaine attacked, hoping to win another unlikely victory, but ultimately lost despite inflicting heavy casualties on their enemies.



Turns out Antoine is a master gunner in an age where guns are rare. He was born in the wrong generation.

The influence of Florence and more specifically the Medici family has kept growing. Since funding a Pope and ensuring his loyalty, the ties between Florence and Rome have grown closer.



Man this reminds me of those invention popups in Victoria II which were huge walls of text



Florence gets this unique Medici mechanic that I know nothing about. Speaking of republics, have I mentioned they have a unique faction mechanic? I need to cover that at some point.

The clans of Ireland have come together and agree to declare independence from their former liege, the King of England. The newborn clan federation is lead by the kingdom of Tyrconell. However, not all clans join this alliance and continue their occupation.



"for the first time in a very long time"? That sounds really awkward to me.

Albret gives up and lets the Castilians have Baiona. The alliance between Castile and Aquitaine remains in tatters, thankfully.

Some Irish rebels even attack a clan under the protection of Tyrconnell, but are unlikely to hold on to it much longer.

Irish clans aren't the only ones declaring independence. Burgundy is no longer a vassal of France and is now an independent duchy. This can happen once Burgundy has over 300 population, I think. Might be wrong. This is good to keep in mind if you're playing as Burgundy.

Remaining rebel clans declare independence but instead of joining Tyrconnell they form their own federation with blackjack, hookers and guinness. Thomond becomes the leader.



The clans of Mayo decide to remain loyal to the English crown, possibly hoping they will be rewarded for their loyalty.

Jane initially planned a regular cathedral, but decides to show her dedication to God by expanding the cathedral and turning it into a SUPERCATHEDRAL. The project will likely take decades but she is eager to begin it.

We'll get this modifier, which will stay until the SUPERCATHEDRAL is finished. Also free prestige yay

As peace settles, the economy stabilizes and new babies are born to replace the boys who died in battle, the stability of Brittany improves.



What time is it? It's noble bashing time! Prepare to say goodbye to your privileges!

An enemy of my enemy is my friend, as they say. Jane announces that she supports the independence of the Irish clans and thinks the King of England has no right to claim the title of King of Ireland if his Irish subjects refuse him.



I just want to see what happens, to be honest. Never seen an independent Ireland last that long in M&T.

Jane also decides to continue her old pet project of navy expansion. As suggested by her late husband, Brest is an excellent location for a military naval base. To honour his memory, she will begin its construction near the place where he died.



I was a bit surprised to see that Brest had no port. That needs to be fixed. Also, this will improve CE with the farthest part of our country.



And that's all, folks. At least for now. I did not break my promise and thus I don't need to play HOI4. Unless the next part comes late. Shit. I promise that will not happen.I don't want to even come close to HOI4.