I love animals, but I hate PETA. Why? Because every effort the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals put into animal welfare is either irritating, ludicrous or doesn’t make any sense. Even If I were a baby seal, I wouldn't want PETA on my side. Here’s just a sampling of the stupid, sensationalist, nonsensical tactics PETA uses to scare you into caring about animals: Using a Tragedy For Their Own Agenda - Using the news buzz created by an abortion doctor's murder to further your own political agenda? Stay classy, PETA. Attacking Celebrities - Calling the fur-wearing Olson twins the “Trollsons” and donning Mary Kate and Ashley troll masks in front of their media appearances? All that tells me is that PETA would be better writing horrible puns for the Fashion Police in Us Weekly magazines than convincing people not to wear animal skins. How about dousing fur-loving Lindsay Lohan with flour while she walks the red carpet? As much as I love seeing Lindsay Lohan publicly humiliated, I prefer watching her do it herself in the inane movies she agrees to star in or by passing out coke-faced in front of the paparazzi. This tactic just makes PETA look retarded, and their victims sympathetic. Renaming Animals - This whole “sea kittens” bullshit? Until cats start dying three weeks after you win them at a carnival or until salmon stops being delicious, I’m not calling a goddamn fish a kitten.

Insane Suggestions - PETA proposes that people start drinking breast milk instead of cow’s milk, to save the poor cows. Since when is a cow’s tit more important than mine? Plus, they actually contacted 80s pop group Pet Shop Boys and asked them to change their name to Rescue Shelter Boys so as not to promote the purchase of dogs at pet stores. My question is why haven’t they attacked the Pussycat Dolls for insinuating that all cats are slutty and lip-synch. Comparing You to Hitler - PETA often juxtaposes images depicting the mistreatment and death of farm animals to victims of the Holocaust. Yes, PETA went there. You ate a hamburger! You’re as bad as a Nazi! Sex - The closest PETA has gone to captivating my interest (positively, anyway) is their erotic vegetable orgy commercial banned from the Super Bowl , or those magazine ads having B-list celebrities go naked. But that only makes me horny, not vegan. Also, besides the occasional dallop of whip cream in bed, I prefer to keep my food and my sex separate. PETA , of course, is made up of sociopaths who make it horrible to begin with. Their president, Ingrid Newkirk (who totally reminds me of this guy, but without the sense of humor) has stipulated in her will that after her death, her body should be butchered and barbequed in a public area, while her various other limbs and organs should be sent to non-animal friendly companies, Braveheart-style.

Anyone this clearly insane should not be the President of a company. Her underlings are just as nuts -- I’ve met PETA members who say they’d rather wear a coat made of human skin than of animal fur. These are people who would much rather live on the Planet of the Apes than on Earth. (The one from the Tim Burton movie, that wasn’t Earth at all, but some weird alternate version of Earth where there were no humans.) I am fully expecting those PETA crazies to sic their tofu dogs on me after reading this. If they do, I’m prepared to use this giant, savory turducken sandwich I’m currently enjoying as a weapon to defend myself.