TUSCALOOSA, AL—In a groundbreaking experiment that shows humans aren’t the only species capable of operating industry-standard recording software, researchers at the University of Alabama confirmed Thursday they had observed chimpanzees using Pro Tools. “Within minutes of being placed near a full suite of audio equipment, the chimps in our study had not only mastered the basic record and playback functions, but had also discovered how to add crude layers of synth, bass, and drums to establish a sick groove,” said lead researcher Anthony Cho, who noted that chimpanzees were found to possess the cognitive and motor skills necessary to EQ, compress, and auto-tune tracks containing the primitive vocalizations they use to communicate. “Other nonhuman primates, including gorillas and orangutans, have been seen operating simple analog tape recorders, but none have come close to creating professional-sounding, dance-friendly pop singles. It appears that all chimps need is a microphone, a studio, and a few hours alone, and they can create a track that fucking slaps.” The researchers went on to suggest that the only characteristics separating humans from lesser apes now appear to be the human abilities to generate buzz on social media and license music for television commercials.

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