I’ve cheated twice in my life.

Once on a boyfriend.

Once on a husband.

I never planned to cheat. I never started talking to these two “misters” out of an intent to stray. I’m monogamous by nature, and when my needs are met, I can barely look at other men.

When my needs are met.

The first wrong choice I made was marrying my ex-husband. Looking back, I set myself up for failure, but it seemed like the right choice at the time.

I loved him for his potential. I thought marriage would change him, that our wedding vows would turn him suddenly more affectionate, passionate, and communicative. He’d be more complimentary. He’d desire and want me as I thought all husbands should want their wives.

But we would have been better as friends.

We could make each other laugh, but too much time together always left me wanting and us fighting.

I felt excluded from his interior world as well as undesired and unattractive.

He’d turn down my sexual advances, rarely complimented me, and often didn’t want me to touch him, even if it was just to cuddle on the couch.

I voiced my needs many times throughout our years together.

He told me things like, “There‘s no point in complimenting you because enough is never enough.” He made it seem like I was an endless pit of longing whose needs he could never meet.

To be fair, he was right. I was wanting him to be an entirely different person.

I didn’t marry him for him as him; I married him for him as I hoped he would become.

For years, I got my emotional needs through close relationships with other women. Since I wasn’t able to connect with my ex-husband very often on deeply emotional and intimate levels, I confided to my close women friends. I met often with them for coffee, dinners, chatted with them on the phone whenever I had a spare minute.

When my ex-husband came home from work, I gave him the space he snapped at me that he needed and convinced myself that our relationship was normal. At least we make each other laugh! I told myself, even though we, less and less frequently over the years, had those special moments together.

I was never able to get my touch needs met though.

Touch is a well-documented human need. It can lower blood pressure and stress levels as well as boost moods and immune systems. Babies can literally die from lack of touch, and there’s a clinical term for the condition in adults: skin hunger.