Illustration by Gary Taxali

If you’re like most hotheads, you’ve probably heard that there are herbal and homeopathic dietary supplements that will soothe your feelings of nonspecific but constant rage.

You’ve probably searched the shelves of your local health-food store for more than a few minutes before rolling your eyes, sighing loudly enough to get the attention of the nearest clerk, and then, when he asks if he can help you, saying, “Thanks, but I have a real job to get back to, so why don’t you and your muttonchops go back to stacking those boxes of Ayurvedic massage soaps?” Then you storm out of the store, knocking over a rack of “not-paper” bags as you go.

Sound familiar? It should. Because some nosy prick you met once at a lousy party saw the whole thing, and now he’s telling the story to people who don’t even know you.

Anyway, try one of these:

OMEGA 4-5-7-8

A by-product from the production of the more popular Omega 3-6-9 fish-oil supplements, this miracle food induces a catatonic state resembling sleep only in that your eyes are closed and you can’t move. When it wears off, you will feel somewhat better, but only because you can move your limbs again.

Foul, salty.

PERUVIAN ANUS FLOWER

Ignore the name, because technically it’s neither a flower nor Peruvian. Steeped as a strong tea, it’s said to provide a powerful calming effect that lasts just as long as it takes to put away all your tea-making equipment.

Lawnlike in flavor.

ST. JAMES’S WORT

An illegitimate cousin to the more popular St. John’s wort, this leafless root—taken in small doses—temporarily alleviates rage by approximating that feeling you get when you’re pacing around your apartment being pissed off at your boss, then you stub your toe and it hurts so bad that for a minute you’re not even thinking about your boss because you’re pissed off at the chair you stubbed your toe on and whoever put it there.

Not exactly sweet.

SWAMP CHUCKLEBERRY

This recently disinherited member of the legume family is best ingested first thing in the morning, as it is said to taste like someone else’s mouth first thing in the morning, and why go through that later in the day? Slows the heartbeat just enough to make a solid fifteen-minute office-couch lie-down doable.

Somehow simultaneously moist and crunchy.

PULVERIZED FONE BONE

Believe it or not, there are all sorts of “good” bacteria that live inside our bodies. This supplement “feeds” those bacteria in a process similar to the way food “feeds” us. Easily impressed users report a distracting feeling of “fullness” after eating only five to seven pounds of this remarkable dust.

Available in one- and two-pound pucklike cakes.

VICTORIAN TOMAHTO

Inhibits the uptake of serotonin from the brain’s dedicated receptors by diverting it to the sinus cavities and from there to the nose, where it will all come pouring out in a clear but powerful jet, not unlike projectile sneezing.

May stain fabric and skin.

LADY CHANTILLY’S LACE

Ingested by chewing on the plant’s dried stalks, this superfood affiliate is said to alleviate lingering feelings of annoyance with people who won’t stop referring to the famous Mexican avocado dip as “guac” no matter how many times you yell at them.

Technically a vine, even though it grows out of the body of an animal you don’t want to even see a picture of.

NICOTONE

Used by the many hotheads who are former smokers who have been trying to quit since at least fifteen minutes ago. Nicotone is such a distant cousin of nicotine that the only phylogenetic relation is that one of these plants once grew, it’s said, in the same field where some teen-agers used to hang out and smoke between classes. Available as a gum, a patch, and a product-free coupon that proves you’re so serious about quitting smoking that you plan to spend some money on it.

Available where those bath salts which aren’t really bath salts are sold.

GINSENG 2.0

Light on the “seng,” heavy on the “gin,” this alcohol-based wonderdrink is actually just gin, but it comes in a brown-colored apothecary bottle that should keep concerned spouses from hassling you.

Mix with vermouth; repeat as necessary, and then a few more times till it gets light outside. ♦