When I was in college in the middle of the 00s, a fabulous drag queen called Aurora threw equally fabulous parties called Mardi-do Mondays. The who’s-who of campus gay and lesbian life turned out for the campiest shindig in Bowling Green, Kentucky. The parties were a lot of fun, but because I led a busy life with early classes — and Aurora’s apartment was clear across town, making getting home safely a challenge — I was an infrequent visitor. Instead, my social calendar was filled with fraternity parties and sorority formals. I was often the only (openly) gay man in the room, but I loved my life, and my friends loved me.

I never felt guilty about living in a predominantly straight world because, well, the world is predominantly, if regrettably, straight. Apparently, though, this ruffled some feathers at Aurora’s. On what would become my last Mardi-do Monday, I was cornered by a catty little man with a black and blond ombre (hey, it was the 00s) who informed me that I clearly didn’t care about the gay community — despite the fact that for two years I was the president of our college gay/straight alliance — because I existed in the world of Greek life, which was too heteronormative and homophobic.

It was the most hurtful thing another gay person has ever said to me, and I’m counting that time my boyfriend called me fat.

I heard Cruella de Twink’s voice in my head as I read Shannon Keating’s recent essay for Buzzfeed, in which she laments that Pete Buttigieg represents an insufficiently radical gayness. It comes months after the New Republic pulled an article by Dale Peck in which he seemed to argue that Buttigieg wasn’t gay enough to be the first gay president — as though there’s some litmus test beyond being same-sex attracted.

Both Keating and Peck seem frustrated that mainstream LGBT rights organisations focused so much on marriage equality and employment discrimination, which they view as being boringly heteronormative and assimilationist. These aren’t, to them, sufficiently radical policies. They pigeonhole Mayor Pete similarly, painting him as a sell-out for professing his Christian faith, marrying a small-town boy, and settling down.

It is exhausting to the point of tedium. Coming out in a place like South Bend, Indiana — or where I live in eastern Tennessee — can still be a radical act, even for a cornfed white guy like Mayor Pete. It’s no cake walk being gay in rural America, something that is often forgotten by those living in the big blue dots that are our major cities. Having spent seven years living in Chicago before moving back to the south last year, I know how easy it is to forget that much of the country doesn’t live — and doesn’t want to live — the same lifestyle as you.

The thing is, many (if not most) gay people are boring and want to live in the real world, which means living in a largely straight world. They want white picket fences, and nuclear families, and monogamy. They spend their time not sniffing poppers at a Fire Island orgy, but praying in a flyover state church. They don’t see their rights deriving from these institutions, as Keating argued, but from the Constitution. Many (but not all!) have politics that are moderate. Some even — quelle surprise! — are capitalists who like their insurance. In short, many gay people either are, or want to be, like Mayor Pete.

The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Show all 25 1 /25 The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Bernie Sanders The Vermont senator has launched a second bid for president after losing out to Hilary Clinton in the 2016 Democratic primaries. He is running on a similar platform of democratic socialist reform Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Joe Biden The former vice president recently faced scrutiny for inappropriate touching of women, but was thought to deal with the criticism well and has since maintained a front runner status in national polling EPA The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Elizabeth Warren The Massachusetts senator is a progressive Democrat, and a major supporter of regulating Wall Street Reuters The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Amy Klobuchar Klobuchar is a Minnesota senator who earned praise for her contribution to the Brett Kavanaugh hearings Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Michael Bloomberg Michael Bloomberg, a late addition to the 2020 race, announced his candidacy after months of speculation in November. He has launched a massive ad-buying campaign and issued an apology for the controversial "stop and frisk" programme that adversely impacted minority communities in New York City when he was mayor Getty Images The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 Tulsi Gabbard The Hawaii congresswoman announced her candidacy in January, but has faced tough questions on her past comments on LGBT+ rights and her stance on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Pete Buttigieg The centrist Indiana mayor and war veteran would be the first openly LGBT+ president in American history Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Deval Patrick The former Massachusetts governor launched a late 2020 candidacy and received very little reception. With just a few short months until the first voters flock to the polls, the former governor is running as a centrist and believes he can unite the party's various voting blocs AFP/Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Beto O'Rourke The former Texas congressman formally launched his bid for the presidency in March. He ran on a progressive platform, stating that the US is driven by "gross differences in opportunity and outcome" AP The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Kamala Harris The former California attorney general was introduced to the national stage during Jeff Sessions’ testimony. She has endorsed Medicare-for-all and proposed a major tax-credit for the middle class AFP/Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Bill De Blasio The New York mayor announced his bid on 16 May 2019. He emerged in 2013 as a leading voice in the left wing of his party but struggled to build a national profile and has suffered a number of political setbacks in his time as mayor AFP/Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Steve Bullock The Montana governor announced his bid on 14 May. He stated "We need to defeat Donald Trump in 2020 and defeat the corrupt system that lets campaign money drown out the people's voice, so we can finally make good on the promise of a fair shot for everyone." He also highlighted the fact that he won the governor's seat in a red [Republican] state Reuters The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Cory Booker The New Jersey Senator has focused on restoring kindness and civility in American politics throughout his campaign, though he has failed to secure the same level of support and fundraising as several other senators running for the White House in 2020 Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Wayne Messam Mayor of the city of Miramar in the Miami metropolitan area, Wayne Messam said he intended to run on a progressive platform against the "broken" federal government. He favours gun regulations and was a signatory to a letter from some 400 mayors condemning President Trump's withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord Vice News The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Kirsten Gillibrand The New York Senator formally announced her presidential bid in January, saying that “healthcare should be a right, not a privilege” Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: John Delaney The Maryland congressman was the first to launch his bid for presidency, making the announcement in 2017 AP The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Andrew Yang The entrepreneur announced his presidential candidacy by pledging that he would introduce a universal basic income of $1,000 a month to every American over the age of 18 Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Julian Castro The former San Antonio mayor announced his candidacy in January and said that his running has a “special meaning” for the Latino community in the US Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Marianne Williamson The author and spiritual adviser has announced her intention to run for president. She had previously run for congress as an independent in 2014 but was unsuccessful Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Eric Swalwell One of the younger candidates, Swalwell has served on multiple committees in the House of Representatives. He intended to make gun control central to his campaign but dropped out after his team said it was clear there was no path to victory Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Seth Moulton A Massachusetts congressman, Moulton is a former US soldier who is best known for trying to stop Nancy Pelosi from becoming speaker of the house. He dropped out of the race after not polling well in key states Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Jay Inslee Inslee has been governor of Washington since 2013. His bid was centred around climate change AFP/Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: John Hickenlooper The former governor of Colorado aimed to sell himself as an effective leader who was open to compromise, but failed to make a splash on the national stage Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Tim Ryan Ohio representative Tim Ryan ran on a campaign that hinged on his working class roots, though his messaging did not appear to resonate with voters Getty The Democrat challengers to Trump in 2020 DROPPED OUT: Tom Steyer Democratic presidential hopeful billionaire and philanthropist Tom Steyer is a longtime Democratic donor AFP/Getty

This notion that the first openly gay candidate for president is insufficiently gay is homophobic. It pretends that if you’re not a polyamorous self-identifying “queer” who lives in New York, San Francisco, or Los Angeles (or, to put it bluntly, a stereotype) that you’re not doing homosexuality right — as though there’s ever been a right way to do it. These coastal “queers” — a term I and many other gay men bristle at — roll their eyes at their country cousins, thinking “oh, how droll” when we celebrate marriage equality and, yes, Pete Buttigieg.

It wasn’t too long ago that the idea of marriage equality was a pipe dream. I remember having conversations with fellow millennial activists in 2006 in which we thought our grandchildren would achieve it, not us. When I came out in 2001, the notion of a gay couple being at the threshold of the White House was unfathomable. With all the progress we’ve made, it’s easy to forget just how important and historic and, yes, radical Mayor Pete’s run is.