The Torment Of Being A Detroit Lions Fan

Thursday, December 3rd was to be a game that could make or break the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers seasons. Detroit was going in 4-7. It sounds bad, but they just won 3 games in a row after firing a whole bunch of staff. Green Bay was going in 7-4 with a team struggling to get back to prominence. What made this game even more entertaining was the fact that the Lions just beat the Packers at home in Green Bay for the first time since 1991. Since Detroit’s home base fans are loud and the Lions are on a winning streak, I thought we could pull it off.

The game started out amazing. The Lions were up 17-0 at the end of the first quarter! But, as a Lions fan, that twitchy feeling of “first quarter Lions” hits you like a prostitute in a mobster film. I yell out loud, “Holy sh*t! Lions are kicking their ass!” And then the 2nd quarter started… The stupidity washed over me and every other Lions fan that expected anything different.

It was a typical game: The Lions started off looking like a Super Bowl quality team in the first quarter. We all get hyped. We’re in the lead. The overpriced craft beer we bought for the game felt justified! Stafford is passing to Megatron. Stafford was actually running from the pocket! The Packers even biffed a field goal! MORE CONFIDENCE! We. Could. Go. All. The… oh… No. When the 2nd quarter arrived, both teams sh*t on the fake plastic turf that led to a halftime that felt like you were waiting to get the test results for an STD. You’re confident you don’t have anything, but that sting when you piss makes you wish you made the right choices.

The second half began and the Lions brought back the classics: penalties, turnovers, sacks, sidearm passes, and pass interference calls. It quickly went from “We’re doing it!” to “Yeah, everything else on TV tonight is f*cking vampire teen dramas so we have to watch this sh*t show.”

In the under 2 minutes, the Packers got two touchdowns in the third. One touchdown was from the result of a bad offensive line that led to a fumble.

When those two touchdowns happened, it was just laughter from then on. That is what the Lions do to hardcore fans. They give us this delusion of success and revival before turning around and kicking us in the balls. They go from getting first downs and points like it’s no big deal to having to try to settle for a field goal in the 3rd and 4th quarters.

Despite playing like garbage, the Lions were still leading near the end. It looked like the Lions had no chance of losing. One announcer said a “0% chance of losing.” We’re talking GAME OVER situation. Lions were up 23-21 with no time left on the clock:

At the very end of the game, I cheered, because Aaron Rogers was clearly sacked. CLEARLY sacked. But, since the refs have the sight of a drunk driver in a snow storm, this was called a face mask penalty:

This insane call gave the Packers one more play. And can you guess what happened?

From a complete bullsh*t penalty comes a hail mary that made Rogers look like a God to the NFL, the announcers, and the post-game CBS people. As for the Lions sidelines, this pretty much sums up what everyone in Detroit was feeling.

The Lions lost in yet another epic failure that sums up its franchise. This game was just a taste that we Detroit Lions fans feel every season. Last season, the Lions went 11-5. We even made it to the playoffs, but we lost, obviously. A few years ago we went 4-0 in the preseason, and then 0-16 in the regular season. The sad thing is that I watched every single game. I worked a garbage security job and managed to stream it while sitting in my car. I put forth the effort into watching games that I knew would end in disappointment. But that’s what Lions fans do to fans. We’re self-destructive maniacs that enjoy lifting ourselves up with hope only to experience failure in the most glorious ways imaginable.

The last time the Detroit Lions won a playoff game was January 5th, 1991. I was 5. They went on to lose the following week because they’re the Lions. Have the Lions ever won the Super Bowl? No. Have they ever won a championship? Yes! When?

The Lions won NFL championships in the 1950’s, tied for 9th overall in total championships amongst all 32 NFL franchises; however, their last was in 1957, which gives the club the second-longest NFL championship drought behind the Arizona Cardinals. They are one of four current teams, and the only NFC team, to have not yet played in the Super Bowl. That’s right. The Lions only won championships before they were called the Super Bowl.

So, you may ask why anyone would still watch this team? Why would anyone put themselves through such anguish every week? It’s similar to being in a relationship where your girlfriend treats you like garbage, but those moments of love and affection keep you from ending it. It’s a battered fan relationship with the Lions. We tune into the game and expect the worst, get moments of hope where we may have been wrong, and then it all comes back down on us like garbage water poured on a man with leprosy.

We blame the owners, the players, the quarterbacks, the general manager, the offense, the defense, the refs, and pretty much everything right down to the Brady Bunch backyard field they play on. It doesn’t matter, though. We will still watch. I will still watch. I will watch the Detroit Lions go against St. Louis on Sunday. I see their record as 4-7. I think this means we have a chance to win. Why? Because I’m a Lions fan. I’m proud and ashamed to give myself hope.

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Jeff Sorensen is an author, writer and occasional comedian living in Detroit, Michigan. You can look for more of his work on The Huffington Post,UPROXX,BGR and by just looking up his name.

Contact: jeff@socialunderground.com