Today, my children were kidnapped by fictional pirates. Apparently I’m Peter Pan and my mom forgot to tell me and now I have to save them in “Neverland”. Oh did I mention I’m scared of heights? FML

Today, I was taking the bus to work because I couldn’t find my keys and all of a sudden this cop jumps on the bus while we are on the highway and tells us that there is a bomb on the bus and we can’t go under 50mph or it will explode and if we try to escape it will explode. Then I found my keys in my pocket. FML

Today, I found out that the reason every time I fall asleep I wake up with injuries is because my parents and everyone in the neighborhood killed a child molester years ago and he got supernatural powers and is haunting all of their children. Now every time me or any of my friends go to sleep we are hurt or end up dead. I haven’t slept in four days. FML

Today I found out that the guy I was dating really was a 10 year old boy who was magically turned big. I am a pedophile. FML

Today, I came back from the dead as a ghost to speak with my family and tell them I am ok. Instead they misconstrued my eating of hot dogs and wailing as something fiendish. Before I could tell them I love them, four assholes with laser guns blasted me and forced me into a small box. I wish I was in hell. FMafterL

Today, after saving up for months, I bought my first NS 5, the robot servant of the future. At midnight all the robots in the world revolted. I paid for my captor. FML

Today, me and my family have been the caretakers of this old hotel in the middle of no where and my husband decided to write his novel to pass the time. I found the typewriter and instead of a novel I see he has written the same phrase millions of times over. Anything to get out of spending quality family time, I guess. FML

Today, I lost my first court case to some stereotypical guido named Vinny. Shortly after, I was disbarred. FML

Today I woke up in a hospital bed with no one around. After investigating I found that no one was in the whole the city. Apparently a zombie like virus had broke out while I was in a coma and now everyone I know is either dead or a zombie. Not only that but today is my birthday. FML

Today, My Pregnant Dalmatian gave birth to 101 puppies. I just lost my job, and now I have 104 mouths to feed. There is dog shit everywhere. FML

Today, my baseball team lost to the Cubs because their pitcher is a 12 year old boy who injured himself and can now throw really fast. When I protested that this isn’t fair and immoral, the umpire told me that “there is nothing in the rule book ‘says a 12 year can’t play professional baseball.” FML

Today, I was feeding my famous giant plant blood when it started talking to me demanding that I feed it human flesh. Apparently it is from outer space, carnivorous and sentient. Then it started singing. FML

Today is Christmas in Whoville and I woke up and found out that everything we had under the tree was stolen, even the crumbs for the mice. Instead of calling the police, my parents made me go out to the streets to sing. My Xbox was stolen, too. FML

Today, I was really excited because I just got shipped to the USS Enterprise and I have been trying to get on a Star Fleet ship for years. When I was getting my uniform I gave my name and ID and the half-Klingon behind the counter gave me a red uniform. No one wearing that color has ever lived. Ever. FML

Today, I’m a theater owner and an old friend begged me house his act even though it involved a giant gorilla. I was reluctant but he promised me it would be alright because it would be chained. It broke out in the first act and destroyed half of New York causing millions of dollars in damages. I’m under arrest for being an accomplice. FML

Today, I’m still the Elephant Man. FML

My family found a St Bernard and despite me objections. We took it into our family and named him Beethoven. Three years later and everything I own is covered in drool. FML

Today, I was at my bank in Gotham when the bank was robbed by a group of thieves dressed as clowns. They forced us to hold grenades so we couldn’t do anything with our hands. After watching them kill each other and watching every other grenade explode, I now have so much post traumatic stress that I can never go into any bank without screaming and crying. I am a bank manager. FML

Today, I found out that all Toys are sentient and fucking PISSED at me. FML

Today is the first day of school and I teach 3rd grade. I found out that the new student who I have to teach is an anthropomorphic mouse named Stuart. What’s worse is I seem to be the only person who thinks that is unusual. FML

Want more? Here’s the first batch of FML For Movie Characters.