The rules of the Death Race are simple enough. Be the first to make it across a decimated post-apocalyptic America with the most points and you're declared the champion. Points are earned by taking out pedestrians with a heavily modified car.

Women are worth 10 points more than men.

Teens are worth 40 points.

Children under 12 are worth 70 points.

Anyone over 75 years old are worth 100 points.

Frankenstein, played with relish by David Carradine (Kill Bill), is the reigning champ and scores points early and often, being the fan favorite. His main rival, Machine Gun Joe Viterbo, is played by a young, unknown at the time, Sylvester Stallone. Stallone is almost too great here, delivering some ridiculous dialogue and classic soundbites. He also gets some of the more gruesome kills during the race thanks to the giant knife that he has a hood ornament. Also of note is Bartel standby Mary Woronov (Eating Raoul) as Calamity Jane, a rootin' tootin' cowgirl with a ton of sass.

As fun as the contestants are, my personal favorites here are the announcing team that calls the race. Bartel favorite Don Steele (also from Eating Raoul, notice a pattern?) plays Junior Bruce, the lead announcer and his voice and cadence are near impossible to get out of your head. Joyce Jameson plays sideline girl Grace Pander, in a breathy, sultry performance. Finally, Carle Bensen plays Harold, an obvious parody of Howard Cosell, right down to the monotone laughter that brings me to fits.