I never really thought I’d be saying this.

But believe it or not, for the first time since I’ve been locked up in here, I feel… happy.

And I know I’ve said I feel ‘happy’ before, but this time I mean like, truly, genuinely happy.

I wake up and I don’t totally dread being here. I don’t spend every freaking moment of every day wishing I could be at home. I guess I don’t mind being here as much anymore. It’s not ideal, of course. But it feels… kind of okay.

That probably sounds way worse than I meant. Obviously I still miss being with my little boy. I miss Phoenix every single moment I’m away from him. I’d give just about anything to have him here with me. And every time we say goodbye, it seriously kills me.

But I guess I’m starting to realize that like, as much as it sucks, I’m kinda used to being away from him now, y’know? Like, that’s just my life now. It’s horrible, but it’s just the way things are. And it’s a lot easier to accept that now than it used to be.

And accepting that makes it a lot easier to enjoy the other things… The good stuff. Like Ivy. Or even Melissa’s writing class.

I mean, taking a class still has some downsides. It’s kinda stressful, and it’s a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be. Plus, even when we’re working down in the library, Melissa’s always on me about finishing my homework. Which can be pretty damn annoying.

But I actually feel like I’m learning a lot. “Stretching myself creatively”, if I wanna use one of those fancy terms. Melissa has me trying things that I never would have even thought of. I really think Ivy was right. I’m only two weeks into the semester, and honestly? I think it’s already making me a better writer.

And I guess there are other upsides to it too. This is gonna sound so dumb, but I think one of the best parts is finally getting to feel normal.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect when Melissa first told me about that writing class. I mean, I knew the prison has a partnership with the university she works for. But I was thinking maybe they’d come and teach us here. Or maybe do it online or something.

But this place keeps finding ways of surprising me, even now.

Two days a week, I get to go on the little shuttle bus down to the university. I get to wear normal clothes (Katie wasn’t kidding… it feels weird as hell!). I get to go out and be with other people for a couple hours, and feel like I’m a normal person again.

And trust me, you have no friggin’ clue how good that feels.

Ivy and I were just talking about it this morning… Wednesdays are the day we both get to go to the University together. I’ve got my writing class Mondays and Wednesdays, and her art class is Wednesdays and Fridays.

And yeah, we have a guard who walks us to our classes and makes sure we don’t try and run or something (as if we’d ever try pulling something like that!). So I guess it’s not completely normal.

But man, being out in public with Ivy, both of us wearing normal clothes… It kinda feels like… I dunno. Maybe like this is a taste of the future, or something? After we both get out, I mean.

I mean as friends though, obviously. We’re, uh, still doing that ‘no label’ thing. Which is fine. It doesn’t bother me. It’s just kinda hard sometimes…

But I know I’ve gotta stop doing that. Thinking about the future. What’s ahead doesn’t matter. Not for me and Ivy, anyway. All that matters is right now. And that we make each other happy.

It’s crazy to think about how much better things are now that we’re… Whatever you wanna call it.

I’ve never met anyone I can relate to as much as her. I mean, I just… I feel so connected to her. Like we’re kindred spirits or something. We’re both artists. We both share some of the same struggles… And we both do our best to lift each other up, as much as we can.

She just makes everything better. Brighter. It’s incredible.

And everyone can see it too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people comment on how much happier I seem now. And they all wanna know why.

With Dr. Savage and my parents, it was pretty easy to play it off as being about my writing class… Which is making me pretty happy, like I said. But I know it goes a lot deeper than that.

Katie knew right away, of course. I didn’t even have to tell her… She said the minute she heard my voice she could “just tell”, whatever that means.

It’s been really great talking to her though, even with all the teasing. Katie still hasn’t been back to visit yet… She’s gotta get permission from the director before she’s allowed to do that. But we’ve talked on the phone a few times since she left. Sounds like she’s doing pretty well, all things considered. Still staying with her cousin, taking a few classes… But she hasn’t really told me too much about any of that. Most of the time she ends up grilling me about Ivy.

And, well, I guess it’s kinda nice to be able to gush to someone else besides this journal. Though actually… Katie might not be the only one anymore.

Dev came to visit me last week. He transferred back down to Windenburg from Falkenburg last semester, so I’ve been seeing a lot more of him lately. And all it took was one look at me. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised… He and Rylie know me better than anybody else. They always have.

I’ll never forget the way he burst out laughing when he saw me. “Ha! You’re totally getting laid, aren’t you?” And I couldn’t help laughing too. I didn’t even try to deny it.

It was strangely… freeing being able to tell someone about Ivy. Especially someone like Dev. Someone I can trust more than anybody else.

But there was something else I didn’t tell him. And I haven’t told Rylie either. Or Katie. Or my parents. Or Ivy.

I submitted my parole application last week.

It’ll be another four or five months til I get a decision, but if it goes through, I’ll be out of here six months early… Just in time for my next birthday. And plenty of time for Phoenix’s too.

It all still feels so surreal… But I’m trying hard not to get my hopes up. That’s why I haven’t really told anybody about it. Don’t wanna jinx it, I guess.

Or at least, that’s why I didn’t tell most people.

I just really don’t want Ivy worrying or anything, y’know? I think we should focus on right now. Taking our classes, spending time together… Enjoying what we have while it lasts.

‘Cause I’ll be honest… As excited as I am about the idea of getting out of here, I’ve gotten really used to the way things are around here. Especially with Ivy.

It’s safe. It’s comfortable. It’s happy.

And the thought of losing it all scares the shit out of me.