ABC

I want you to imagine the following scenario for me. It’s a quiet Monday night in early summer, you’ve kicked your feet up, maybe you’ve got some pizza, and you’re enjoying a nice episode of ABC’s The Bachelorette. Our Bachelorette, a nice white lady, likely with ombréd hair and a Bardot dress, is on a first date with one of her suitors. He is tall, dark, and handsome; maybe he used to be a pro athlete, maybe not. We’ll never know for sure. They’re on the Romantic Evening Portion of the date, so they’re talking about their past relationships. “My last boyfriend was such a jerk,” she says, lash-extensioned eyes rolling. “He was dating all these other girls and then dumped me on the day I thought we were getting engaged.”

“Wait, are you talking about when you were on The Bachelor?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Anyway, tell me about your last breakup.”

“Oh, that’s a bad one. I actually caught my ex-girlfriend cheating on me.”

She raises an eyebrow and pretends to take a bite of her prop food. “Go on.”

“So, my buddy calls me and tells me that she’s at a bar, making out with this other dude. I’m with my dad, and I tell him ‘She’s with another guy.’ He hands me the keys to his car and says ‘Go.’ So I got in the car and sped all the way to Little Rock. I had the key to her house. I jiggled the handle of the bedroom door and it was locked. And so I kicked it open.”

The Bachelorette swishes her sauvignon blanc a few times. “Mhm. So what did you do in that moment?”

“I threw her off the bed and I just (punches the air) whop, whop, whop.”

“So you just beat the crap out of her?”

“Yup. And I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat her in the head with it.”

They both giggle. “Wow. I don’t know if I’m afraid or turned on right now. Will you accept this rose?”

END SCENE

Sounds p despicable, no? That is, almost verbatim (I cut out some filler words and a joke about spider monkeys), the story that Raven tells Nick on their one-on-one. Nick laughs it off like it’s a story about the time she left her American Girl Doll at the stables by accident. Because, come on! Raven is just a girl! Girls can’t beat up guys! They can do no physical or emotional harm! Assault is justified when someone is cheating! No, no, nah, nah, nope. I mean, let me say that I think there is no excuse for cheating. It’s a terrible thing to do. I’m not defending the artist formerly known as Raven’s boyfriend. However: assault is assault is assault. Domestic violence can and does affect both genders. I’m disappointed in Raven, Nick, and ABC for continuing to normalize the idea that domestic violence is squarely a men-on-women situation and the reverse is acceptable, even admirable. It’s not. What Raven did was wrong, and to suggest it was somehow okay because she’s an adorable brunette with a cute accent is antifeminist and regressive. “But Graaaaace,” you say, “Stop lecturing me! You’re supposed to be funny! Nobody takes these recaps seriously! Say something about American Girl Dolls again!” GUESS WHAT, MOTHERNUGGETS? DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NO JOKE. I’m not even going to get into the other bizarro half of Raven’s date, except to say that it is really weird that Bella (Poll: does she hate Nick?) is forced to watch her brother make out with someone when she’s supposed to be having a roller rink pizza party with her soccer friends. Give Bella her childhood back!