Cory Farley

Special to the RGJ

A rule that's served me well is this: "When there's a question mark in a headline, the answer is 'No.' "

"Giant meteor to strike Earth?" "Did Hillary plan Benghazi attack?" "Trump to release tax returns?" Negatives all (OK, the meteor's a lock, but probably not today).

Out of accumulated wisdom, I skip those stories. The other day, though, one caught my eye:

"Do Republicans Suffer From Mental Illness?" And a subhead: "It’s difficult sometimes to know where pandering to the conservative base ends and mental illness begins."

Pandering, conservatives, and batcrap crazy in one sentence? I'm in....

The story was written by Samuel Warde, of whom I know nothing. He cited a book by James Whitney Hicks, "50 Signs of Mental Illness: A Guide to Understanding Mental Health." Warde described it as "a user-friendly, alphabetical guide to psychiatric symptoms" (it was published in 2005, so your "picking on Trump" plaint won't play here).

That seemed useful. If we can't fix things, maybe we can at least diagnose them.

Warde picked a dozen of Hicks' signs, and the more I read, the creepier it got:

• ANGER: Checked Facebook lately? Conservatives got everything in 2016: The White House, Senate, Congress, governorships and statehouses -- but they're still pissed off. They even savage members of their own party.

• ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR: Consider conservatives' treatment of minorities, gays and the poor. You could lump sexual abuse in here, too, but it has a section of its own.

• AVOIDANCE: Think Trump cutting off press access, Nevada's Sharron Angle sprinting away from reporters, or Sen. Dean Heller's staff not answering the phone during Senate confirmation hearings (Heller's denial of this at last week's town hall drew boos).

• CONFUSION: Where's that armada headed again, Mr. President? Rick Perry, which cabinet department did you want to abolish?

• DECEITFULNESS: I'll let you handle this one. If you're stuck, Google "Top Republican lies."

• DELUSIONS: Faith in trickle-down economics, rejection of the "theories" of evolution and climate change, the rumored Plan B replacement for Obamacare (the Washington Post called that "comically bad").

• DENIAL: Climate change again, and the insistence that Obamacare has failed. Also, claims that no one cares about Trump's tax returns. Surveys say two-thirds of us want to know who owns our president.

• "FEARS”: Vague concerns about unlikely dangers, like Barack Obama destroying capitalism. Fear creation has defined conservative politics for decades.

• GRANDIOSITY: How about the elevation of Sarah Palin or those caricatures on "Duck Dynasty?" How about The Donald himself?

• HALLUCINATIONS: Hard to prove, but think of all the Republicans who've run for office because "God told me to." Absent a note on His letterhead, I'm skeptical.

• INTOXICATION: This is rumor-based, but reports from Washington don't discourage speculation. John Boehner is said to be a dedicated rounder. Steve Bannon looks like the poster adult for wretched excess, and if you want to go back, how about George W.'s cocaine arrest and DUI? Those are all better documented than, say, Obama's Kenyan birth.

• SEXUAL PREOCCUPATIONS: Warde notes, "check out Republican efforts to control when, where, how, why and with whom we have intimate relations." I'm aiming most of these at conservative leadership, but this one goes clear to the bottom.

Understand, now, that I'm not saying Republicans are crazy. I'm just, you know, saying....

Cory Farley is a freelance writer who lives in Verdi.