Put on the shortest dress you have and then put on a longer dress on top of it, only to rip it off dramatically halfway through the night, because it’s that time of the year again when all of Europe battles for musical supremacy in this giant spectacle we call the Eurovision Song Contest.



This year has a line-up of a whopping 43 songs - not since 2008 and 2011 have we had that many different countries participate.

This fabulous week continues on Thursday with the Second Semi-Final, where 18 countries will be fighting over 10 available spots in the Grand Final on Saturday.

So what is there to say about these 18 contestants? What can we expect to see tonight? I’ve carefully selected a memorable lyric from each song. That way, you won’t have to pay attention to the words tonight - because you will already know them. Like each year, I will also hand out an award to each act. After all, even when your song is abysmal, you must still be the best at something.

NORWAY | Alexander Rybak - “That’s How You Write a Song”



Summary: A pretty disappointing masterclass.

Mind the lyric: “Step one: believe in it, and sing it all day long.” The first step to writing a song is singing the song? Now, hold on, Alex, doesn’t that mean that you already have a song written? Oh, and should I be writing this down? “Step two: just roll with it.” All right, so the second step is the same as the first step, isn’t it? “And that’s how you write a song.” Sorry, give me that again, I must have missed a bit in the middle. No, that was it? Ah. Okay. Yeah, I have my doubts, Alex.

The “I’ll Be Back”-Award: We’re convinced Europe is sure to recognize this young man from back in 2009, when he won Eurovision with the highest score of all time. That fiddle tune makes “Fairytale” one of the most iconic winners of all time. Of course, the way points are attributed changed a few years ago, and we suspect Alexander is actually just back to break his record. The only other artist to ever win twice was Ireland’s Johnny Logan, with “What’s Another Year” in 1980 and “Hold Me Now” in 1987. Other returning winners performed a lot worse. What will Rybak’s fate be? Decide for yourself.

Award for the Most Invisible Instrument: If you were afraid that Rybak had left his violin back in Norway, you needn’t worry. After miming playing the drums and the guitar, he suddenly has the violin in his hands.

Award for the Most Abominable Advice: A songwriting lesson from Alexander Rybak sounds like an amazing idea, but the reality elicits little more than “is that it?”

ROMANIA | The Humans - “Goodbye”

Summary: After an excruciatingly long into, this song slowly builds to a rocky chorus about the beautiful things in life, but it all comes across as unintentionally moralising.

Mind the lyric: “Why don’t you see the beauty that surrounds you everywhere?/Why can’t you feel the joy in all the small things people share?” This might be the single worst method of cheering up a depressed person. “Hey, why aren’t you happy?” I don’t know, woman, that’s the entire point of depression.

The Shop Window Award: It’s not the first time it has happened - DJ Bobo did something similar in 2007 for Switzerland - but Romania makes an attempt at filling the stage with more than 6 performers by wheeling out an army of mannequins.

SERBIA | Sanja Ilic & Balkanica - “Nova deca”

Summary: Ethnic wailing, interspersed with a juicy dance beat.

Mind the lyric: “Svet je naš i vreme prestaje da žuri kad si sa mnom ti,” means “this is our world, and time moves slower when you’re with me.” This is hopeful song about the “new children” who will determine the future and who can ensure that our world remains beautiful.

Award for the Most Absent Artist: We challenge you: watch this act, and tell us who of these 6 performers is Sanja Ilic. If you thought it was one of the three women, you’re dreadfully wrong. If you thought it was the singer, or even the drummer, then we have to disappoint you yet again. And if you then thought: “it has to be that odd-looking old feller with that strange flute!”, even then you’re wrong. Sanja Ilic is the composer of this song and is nowhere to be seen on stage. We’ve been deceived and I want my money back.

SAN MARINO | Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”

Summary: Song about being yourself and tuning out the haters. There’s cute little robots on stage, because why wouldn’t there be robots on stage?

Mind the lyric: “Bullied from the moment we were born.” This has to be one of the bleakest first lines we’ve ever heard at Eurovision, and that’s saying a lot because in 2016 a song won with the lyric “strangers come to your house and kill you all”.

Mind this lyric too: “If they’re dissing you on Twitter/Don’t get mad, don’t be bitter/Don’t give up or be a quitter.” Jenifer Brening (or ‘Jeni B’ for the fans) has become an icon for the Eurovision community already. Remember that name, because her rap career launches tonight.

Award for the Most Shady Selection: San Marino is such a small country that they’ve sent the same singer to Eurovision four times and have recruited singers from different countries more than once. That they were to organise a national selection was surprising to say the least, although it made a little more sense when they revealed the selection was open to participants from all over the world. They streamed the show onto the internet from a small studio in Bratislava, and although there was actually a Sammarinese contestant, the winner was a Maltese singer (who had attempted seven times but never won the Maltese selection), and a German girl who was actually participating with a different song, but somehow got roped into this one as well.

DENMARK | Rasmussen - “Higher Ground”

Summary: The perfect song for a musical about vikings, with five men side-stepping in unison and getting lost in a snowstorm. If it were me, I would’ve gone even further with it.

Mind the lyric: “Call it, surrender/Still won’t feel like defeat/Men laying down their swords/Each of their own accords.” Rasmussen sings about the legend of the pacifist viking Magnus Erlendsson, who controversially thought that some issues could be solved by talking about them instead of stabbing each other. We imagine he was stabbed for that suggestion.

Award for the Best Beard: Jonas Flodager Rasmussen (or just Rasmussen for friends) has a glorious red beard, which fits the song to a T. His background singers have also fully committed to the viking aesthetic.

The Free Joke Award: Start googling pictures of Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones now! You could still be the first out of the seven thousand people making that exact joke on Twitter tonight! We do admit, Rasmussen bears a resemblance to the fictional wildling.

RUSSIA | Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”

Summary: A sort of unremarkable song which raises a lot of uncomfortable questions.

Mind the lyric: “Even in the darkest night/I can see a light.” Would you look at that; it’s the second year in a row that Julia has rhymed “night” and “light” (last year the line was “after the night/there’s a light”). Unfortunately, that’s the most interesting thing to say here.

The “I’ll Be Back” Award (fourth place): That’s right: fourth place. Julia Samoylova was selected as Russia’s representative last year, but because she was on the Ukrainian blacklist, she was not allowed in the country and could not perform. It was unclear if Russia was just using her as a puppet in their political game to make Ukraine look bad. After a long wait, they revealed they’d be sending Julia again, so at least they made good on that promise.

Award for the Most Heinous Habit: Russia is one of those countries that has never missed out on the grand final. However, this entry is so weak that it wouldn’t surprise us to see that streak come to an end. Azerbaijan ended their perfect run on Tuesday. Perhaps Russia will be the next country to lose their 100% qualification rate.

Award for the Most Problematic Presentation: Because of her muscular atrophy, Julia has been in a wheelchair since she was a child. The creative team behind this entry wasn’t sure what to do with that, and so they decided the best course of action would be to hide her disability. Because a wheelchair wasn’t glamorous enough, they’ve decided to turn her into a giant papier-mâché mountain.

MOLDOVA | DoReDos - “My Lucky Day”

Summary: Hilarious pantomime comedy about two men who lust after the same woman, who is two-timing both of them.

Mind the lyric: “We can be forever number one/Together we can make a dream come true.” I mean, yeah, I have had this exact dream. Haven’t we all?

The DIY Award: Clearly, there’s one way to have fun with a PAX wardrobe. Honestly, once you’ve put together a monster like that, your relationship can withstand anything.

Award for the Horniest Horn: Last year Moldova blew us all away by finishing third with the return of Sunstroke Project, although they did have Epic Sax Guy to thank for their success. This year, the trumpet is their instrument of choice, which comes paired with a great little dance. After last year, many people are expecting to see Moldova finish in the top 10 again. Because we’re so unsure about this year’s winner, we can’t even exclude the possibility of going to Chisinau next year.

THE NETHERLANDS | Waylon - “Outlaw in ‘em”

Samenvatting: This wannabe-cowboy was clearly born on the wrong continent. He wishes he was American, and so do we, because it meant he wouldn’t be here.

Mind the lyric: “Everybody’s got a little frontman swagger/Stone cold rollin’ like a young Mick Jagger.” Can we please stop talking about Mick fucking Jagger? We understand that there’s not a lot that rhymes with ‘swagger’, but here’s a controversial suggestion: let’s stop wanting to use the word ‘swagger’.

The “I’ll Be Back”-Award (runner-up): With “Calm After the Storm”, the Common Linnets unexpectedly brought the Netherlands a second place in 2014. Waylon and his co-star Ilse De Lange don’t get along all that well, and so the Netherlands decided to send Waylon by himself. It’s probably for the best, because this guy seems like an all-around terrible person to be around.

Award for the Most Problematic Presentation (runner-up): There’s been a lot of hubbub about Waylon’s act this past week. For this America-inspired country song, Waylon decided to have four black dancers back him u. Even if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable to watch a white performer on a pedestal pointing at them while singing “everyone has a little outlaw in them”, it’s hard to deny that it’s all a little embarrassing. Especially the questionable decision to have the dancers krumping is hard to make sense of, because ‘country’ doesn’t immediately call to mind these urban hip hop moves.

AUSTRALIA | Jessica Mauboy - “#We Got Love”

Summary: A solid pop song that is elevated by a charismatic performer.

Mind the lyric: “Love is stronger than fire.” That’s what you’re saying now, darling, but just you wait until you’ve seen Hungary.

The “I’ll Be Back”-Award (third place): Australia has been competing in the Eurovision Song Contest sinds 2015, but their first time on the European stage with an act of their own was in 2014. Although Jessica Mauboy performed “Sea of Flags” well, she couldn’t earn any points. That’s why they finally had her return to pick up some real votes.

Award for the Most Segregated Soloist: Jessica shares the stage with nothing but a few halogen light bulbs. Other than that, it’s just her. Her infectious smile and her powerful vocals are all she needs to fill the big stage with.

GEORGIA | Ethno-Jazz Band Iriao - “For you”

Summary: Five drunk uncles take each other by the neck and sing a gorgeous polyphonic lullaby. We can imagine it’d be even nicer if these were our own uncles.

Mind the lyric: “Sheni gulistvis”, these gentlemen sing, which should have been the song’s title, rather than the translated “for you”.

Award for the Best Band Name: Some artists keep you guessing as to what kind of music they perform. Iriao goes easy on us, calling themselves “Ethno-Jazz Band Iriao”, and look at that, suddenly you know everything you need to know.

POLAND | Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me Up”

Summary: At some point after one AM, one drunk uncle finds his way behind the turntables and pretends like he’s a DJ, while another cousin you don’t really know tries to keep everyone dancing by shouting “yeah!” and “jump!” and although the entire things is incredibly cringeworthy, everyone has been drinking so much that you can’t help but have fun.

Mind the lyric: “A lip of faith.” We’re willing to forgive dodgy pronunciations of the English language, but according to eurovision.tv, the official lyric is not “a leap of faith”, maar actually “a lip of faith”. We’ll leave it to you to imagine what that means.

Award for the Blandest Banger: There’s nothing really special here, but even with Lukas Meijer’s weak vocals, this dance track has the potential to connect with the audience. The two performers are absolute crowd pleasers and it’s obvious that they’re having a good time on stage. That awkward snake dance that DJ Gromee does, has the potential to be a viral hit tonight.

MALTA | Christabelle - “Taboo”

Summary: Dark act about breaking out of your metaphorical cage.

Mind the lyric: “And I know and I know and I know/That you see my life in foreign eyes.” Christabelle’s goal is to break the stigma that surrounds mental health. She admits that it’s difficult to talk about issues that aren’t visible on the surface. Like a number of other acts tonight, this song is about taking off your masks and coming out with the truth: “Let our guards down/It’s time to break the taboo.”

The “Multiple Moments in Malta” Award: In Malta, it is considered a tremendous honour to represent your country. So much so that the same artists show up in their national selection year after year, hoping for a shot at the big festival. If you go seven times without winning, you might end up in San Marino by accident, but Christabelle was lucky enough to succeed on her third try.

Award for the Most Commonplace Composer: It wouldn’t be Eurovision if there wasn’t a song in contention written by the Swedish composer Thomas Gustafson (or G:Son for his friends). You’ll probably know him best from his work on “Euphoria”, 2012’s winner, but a grand total of thirteen of his songs have been performed at the contest, only one of which stranded in the semi-finals.

HUNGARY | AWS - “Viszlàt nyar”

Summary: Post-hardcore screamo metal, it’s a first at the Song Contest, but we never expected it to be the perfect genre for Eurovision.

Mind the lyric: “Játsszunk nyílt lapokkal végre”, or “let’s put our cards on the table”. That’s how this song starts. Its construction is like a dialogue, with verses from the perspective of an old, dying man (“my ship is heading away from here”), while the furious choruses are meant to evoke the frustrated inability to change anything of his son. He is outraged at the world (“that we would be together was just a lie”). The title itself means “goodbye, summer”.

Award for the Coolest Key Change: That’s right - in the last chorus this metal song goes up the octave. It’s a Eurovision trope that is sorely lacking this year, with only a few songs going for the modulation and this song being the absolute best of the lot.

Award for the Most Fabulous Fire: Leave the heating off, because if my sources are correct, there is so much pyro in this act that you might even feel it radiating from your television screens.

The Underdog Award: By Eurovision standards this is a pretty heavy track. Thanks to a brilliant bit of crowd surfing, we would genuinely not be surprised to see this go down a storm on Saturday night, settling in firmly at the top of the scoreboard.

LATVIA | Laura Rizzotto - “Funny Girl”

Summary: Sensual moves that stretch a bit thin beyond the minute mark, combined with a song that struggles to get to three minutes.

Mind the lyric: “What can I do/To make you feel that way about me too?” She tries to sell herself as a seductive temptress, and yet Laura’s crush keeps paying more attention to another woman. Laura is nothing but “the funny girl” to him - a girl he can laugh with, but never a potential bed partner. I suspect he honestly thinks she’s just a bit too desperate.

The Rice Prize: Because her name is “Rizzotto”. Do you get it? It’s funny because that sounds like “risotto”, and that’s a rice dish. Yeah. Yeah, I know, it’s a weak joke, but there’s genuinely not a lot to say about this track except for how it makes a really good pee break.

SWEDEN | Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”

Summary: It’s almost as if this Swedish boy is on a completely different stage from his competitors, that’s how impressive the backdrop to his sweet moves is. Oh, and the song itself is pretty catchy too.

Mind the lyric: “I just want to feel the mood/Girl, with anyone but you.” Benjamin and his girl just had a little fight, and to take his mind off the situation, Benjy is going out to have a little angry dance (“I’m going to dance, dance, dance you off.”) And dancing is this boy’s forte. His hips move as if they were engineered especially for it.

Award for the Most Perfect Performance: We already said it, but in Sweden they definitely know what they’re doing. For the umpteenth year in a row, they’ve brought a modern song with a perfect rehearsed visual spectacle. Since 2011, they’ve only ended outside of the top 5 a single time. This might be the fifth year in a row that they top the scoreboard on Saturday night.

MONTENEGRO | Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”

Summary: Some sort of bizarre inside out version of “Let it Go”, though we mention that mostly because of the singer’s icy blue suit.

Mind the lyric: “Džaba jorgan tijelo grije/Promaja kroz dušu bije” In this song, Vanja Radovanic sings about how cold his bed feels without his lover: “the bedspread may warm my body, but a cold draught blows through my soul.”

Award for the Most Successful Style: Montenegro usually does well when they send a song in this genre. In 2014 and 2015 they made the final with similar “balkan ballads”. We assume that at least one song with traditional songs will make it to the final, and this might be the most likely choice.

Award for the Funniest Feller: When asked for his hobbies, Vanja answered: “I like drinking and running away from children”, which has to be the most relatable answer anyone has ever given. Whether his dry sense of humor is a case of “lost in translation”, we don’t know, but we definitely like it.

SLOVENIA | Lea Sirk - “Hvala, ne!”

Summary: This chick has attitude in spades, and she drops some sick moves on this surprisingly arresting trap beat.

Mind the lyric: “Moje ime je Lea in za vas imam nov lik.” Lea sings and raps about, you’ve guessed it, not hiding behind masks. She starts by introducing herself: “My name’s Lea, and I have a new character for you”. She proceeds to talk about herself as some kind of superhero who wants everyone to be themselves. Our Slovenian is a bit rocky, so for all we know, we’ve interpreted the lyrics entirely wrong. We are, however, certain that the title means “thanks, but no.”

Award for the Suckiest Silence: Lea tries out a little trick that has been attempted at the Eurovision before, but has never been especially successful. Halfway through the song, she starts pretending as if something went wrong on the technical side of things, but she pushes through. It’s a bit cheap and confusing, we reckon.

UKRAINE | Melovin - “Under the Ladder”

Summary: This teen Dracula keeps an eye open for superstitious reasons.

Mind the lyric: “You can see that whatever the weather/That the wind’s always there/Always fair/Oh-oh-oh.” If you try hard enough, you might be able to make out a few English words in this song. Mélovin has genuinely been trying to improve his pronunciation over the past few months, and it has works. He’s still not pronouncing the ’s’ in ‘always”, but someone clearly taught him how to say ‘fair’ correctly. Good job, Mélovin, we’re proud of you.

Mind this lyric too: “Fire lasts forever.” Fire is a popular element this year, whether it is in the lyrics or as a part of the stage act. In this case, it’s both!

Award for the Most Outstanding “Oh-oh-oh”: When Mélovin raises his arms up to the sky and starts singing “oh-oh-oh”, it makes you want to join him. And by the end of the song, we guarantee you’ll effortlessly be able to join him in that chorus of “oh-oh-oh”s.

The Bram Stoker Award: Pale skin, hair dyed jet black and a single white contact lens in his left eye. Mélovin is committing to the creepy vampire aesthetic. And as we always say, you either go all the way, or you go home. We’ve seen a lot of piano’s at Eurovision; pianos that keep playing when people walk away from them, pianos that have a woman hidden inside and most importantly, pianos that catch fire. But we’ve never seen a piano that doubles as a coffin before. And that’s the kind of entrepreneurial originality that we desperately need in 2018.

So there we have it: 18 hopefuls with only 10 places in the final.You know who they are now and you know what to expect from them. Tune in tonight and see who makes it through the first semi-final!

In addition to that, you’ll be treated to a snippet from some of the direct qualifiers. Germany has selected a third-rate Ed Sheeran, bringing an emotionally manipulative song about his deceased father. France will be represented by a duo who manage to elevate a small story about a refugee girl into a magnificent sing-along experience. Finally, there’s Italy: a frantic rant against terrorism, but just as well against the way we treat it.

Enjoy!





(This article was first published on Newsmonkey.be in the original Dutch.)

