Do you ever get sick of hearing about "the greatest generation"? For over 60 years now, it's been all "they survived the Depression" this and "they defeated the Nazis" that and "they never looked stupid in hats." Well, not everything the heroes of the 20th century did was pitch perfect. For example, the WWII destroyer USS William D. Porter was easily the stupidest ship ever launched. If ships were people, this one would be the kid who ate paste off a stick. And then almost killed the president by accident.

So when we say that this ship's service played out in exactly the way it would if it had been a hastily scripted Adam Sandler comedy, we're not exaggerating. We're talking about a ship that ...

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#5. Wrecked a Friendly Ship Just Pulling Out of Port

The USS William D. Porter's completely ridiculous career as a warship began with an important escort mission. What could go wrong? Well, they came fairly close to accidentally blowing up the president, so there's that. But the problems started before they even left port.

fateback

The ship was named after this beard. We have no idea who the man attached to it is.

The destroyer was specifically commissioned to serve as an escort for larger boats (destroyers are widely known to be the Navy's Kevin Costners to other ships' Whitney Houstons). So in November of 1943, the William D. Porter was, as its first mission, to escort the battleship USS Iowa across the Atlantic Ocean to an important summit in Iran. "Why would a battleship need to go to a political summit?" you're probably asking. "It can't even talk." The answer is that the president of the United States, the secretary of state and the joint chiefs of staff were on the Iowa, and they had a secret appointment with Joseph Stalin and Winston Churchill.

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Wikipedia

FDR was the official coke hookup of the Allied leadership.

So it was a big deal. The USS William D. Porter was only one of the ships in the convoy that was going to get them there. There was only one problem: The Porter was staffed with the cast of Police Academy.

The trouble started before the boat even left the dock. Specifically, someone forgot to raise the anchor up all the way, and as they backed out ever so slowly, they dragged the anchor along the moored deck of her sister ship. Picture an anchor scraping along railings, lifeboats and thousands of dollars' worth of war shit like a coked up toddler in a candy store. Picture the looks on the faces of the newbie sailors as they watched it happen a) on their first day on the job and b) on the way to meet the freaking president.

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murdoconline

"Holy shit we damaged our anchor."

The captain of the Porter, Wilfred Walter, issued a quick apology, looked at his watch and realized he really needed to meet up with the USS Iowa for their escort mission. So he said, "Wellllp. Catch you later, dude!" and left, leaving the U.S. Navy with the mess. But hey, beginners' nerves, right? How much worse could things get from there?

Much. Much worse.

#4. Nearly Blew Up the President's Boat With a Depth Charge ...

Twenty-four hours after the anchor-scrape incident, the Porter meekly took its place alongside the rest of the convoy, no doubt with her metaphorical head hanging and her shame glasses on. The journey across the Atlantic would take eight days, and the ships would pass through U-boat-infested waters during wartime, so it was critical that the boats keep up with training and maneuvers on the journey. For example, in a real-live battle situation, if a submarine got too close, it was the destroyer's job to drop depth charges (just huge bombs that sink down and blow up next to the submerged sub). So, one of the drills that the Porter was tasked with was sending out fake depth charges for practice.

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You can tell where this train wreck is heading, can't you?

spaink

"We wrote 'void' on the side, so it should be dead. Bombs are like checks, right?"

Yes, the geniuses on the Willie Dee never got around to disarming their anti-submarine weapons. And on November 12, a live depth charge just fell off the deck. Fell. As in it kind of rolled off, into the ocean, within killing distance of the president of the United States. And it exploded. And that was when shit got real.