Ostrich Freeze Treatment.jpg

Hugh Freeze stumbles into the lobby of the Saban Coaching Career Recovery Center, the first step on the road to becoming a head coach again.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.



Just hours after resigning from his position as the head football coach at Ole Miss, Hugh Freeze reportedly drove directly from Oxford, Mississippi to Tuscaloosa where he checked into the world-renowned Nick Saban Coaching Career Recovery Center.

Freeze stepped down from his post amid allegations that he used a school-issued phone to contact an escort service, which easily meets the requirements for level III treatment at Saban's Recovery Center. Freeze is expected to live at the facility for an indefinite amount of time and participate in film sessions, practices, and group therapy. For obvious reasons, he will never have access to a telephone.

Treatment program coordinator Lauren Harris said Freeze will be given the official title of "offensive analyst" during his rehabilitation stay, which could last anywhere from 90 days to 3 years based on his performance.

"Every patient transitions to a head coach or other highly coveted position when they complete their treatment. Some patients, like Mr. Sarkisian, graduate through this program very quickly. Others, however, may extend their stay beyond expectations due to numerous setbacks and an inability to run the dang ball," explained Harris.

With several openings at the Nick Saban Coaching Career Recovery Center and at least one room already prepped for move in, Freeze's timing could not have been better.

"We actually had a room prepared for Mr. McElwain several months ago, but we were relieved when we discovered it was someone else in that horrible photograph," admitted Harris. "So that room is definitely available for Mr. Freeze, but the television will not have access to Discovery Channel until Shark Week is over."

Freeze will be given several days to adjust to his new surroundings before joining the rest of the coaching staff. Per the treatment center's policy, Freeze must also complete his daily chores at the facility, which is expected to begin immediately.

"Like all of our recovering coaches, Mr. Freeze is required to partake in some light housekeeping," stated Harris. "He will vacuum, dust, and scrub the 2014 and 2015 losses to Ole Miss from Alabama's schedules."

While the staff won't speculate on their patient's outcomes, outsiders predict that Freeze could land a head coaching position at a Conference USA or Sun Belt school within a year, provided he adhere to the offensive game plan provided by the treatment director. If he relapses, however, Freeze will immediately transfer to a facility in Boca Raton, Florida administered by the highly questionable Dr. Joey Freshwater.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich]