I saw this article in my newsfeed, shared by a man I consider kind, thoughtful, and a friend. But as I read it, my blood ran cold. I saw something plainly that he seemed to have missed. And I decided that I would never again swipe right on a guy who listed the Stoics or their contemporary advocates among their role models.

For within Stoic writings — thickly layered, and thinly veiled — are the deep and quiet roots of hating women and of the reasoning that encourages men to relinquish personal responsibility for one’s actions.

But tell me this: did you never love any person, a young girl, or slave, or free? What then is this with respect to being a slave or free? Were you never commanded by the person beloved to do something which you did not wish to do? Have you never flattered your little slave? Have you never kissed her feet? And yet if any man compelled you to kiss Caesar’s feet, you would think it an insult and excessive tyranny. What else, then, is slavery? Did you never go out by night to some place whither you did not wish to go, did you not expend what you did not wish to expend, did you not utter words with sighs and groans, did you not submit to abuse and to be excluded?

— Epictetus

Wait.

So he falls for her, and now he’s equating that with her enslaving him?

That is fucking creepy.

This same perspective echoes through our culture today. “She made me feel this way and behave thusly — I was powerless” rather than “I felt X and behaved Y of my own accord.”

It is the same underlying philosophy that leads people to ask, “But what was she wearing?” when a woman has been sexually harassed or assaulted.

It is also the justification and reasoning of men who murder or commit other acts of violence against women. She made me do this, she had it coming, she left me, she rejected me, she made me feel this.

It is also the subtle undercurrent when men say She friend-zoned me.

All of these things that she did to him — beginning with enslavement. Because of some feels that he had for her.

Does it not make you just a little bit queasy?

This perspective sets the locus of control outside the man. It resides within the woman. He takes no personal responsibility — his feels are the woman’s fault.

She did this.

Emma Lindsay writes about this in her illuminating essay, “Why Does Dating Men Make Me Feel Like Shit?”

Usually instead of saying “I am turned on by that woman,” a man will say “that woman is hot.” The first phrasing places the locus of control within his own body (aka, in a way, making it “his fault” if he gets turned on), the second phrasing places the locus of control within the woman’s body(making it “her fault” if he gets turned on.) And, he will be inclined to do the second because it absolves him of responsibility for his sexual feelings. The narrative that is most comfortable for straight men is that some super beautiful woman appeared out of the blue and basically made him get horny, and zomg she was SO HOT it totally wasn’t his fault.

Read the rest of the essay.