When being trained in the art of seduction, men are often asked to identify what they want in a woman. This is an extremely important step in being able to find a compatible mate but is completely surrounded with a lot of deep-seated confusions that tend to decrease the success of the exercise itself. For nearly 5 years, I’ve been teaching men all over the world to meet and connect with the women they are attracted to, and I’ve discovered some really tremendous patterns that are hugely damaging to an individual’s success. This has to do with what we are referring to as “standards” and can be summarized (in a general way, so relax if you don’t fit the mold) by saying…

“Most men that have lots of lovers (and are, generally, good with women) can always find something to appreciate about a woman. Most men that have not been with very many women are quicker to only want to date the ‘super hot’ girls.”

Of course this isn’t absolute truth, there are all kinds of different types of men with different preferences, but I’ve really been seeing some amazing patterns lately and I’d like to shed a bit of light on why this may be and what we can do about it.

First, it strikes me that the system (TV, movies, magazines, porn, etc) presents these incredible images of women that tend to warp what men believe they want (often referred to as “unrealistic standards”). Now, I certainly won’t go on a rant about this ruining our culture or whatever (specifically because I believe two things: 1. These women aren’t unattainable, meaning that they do exist, so it’s not a goal that can’t be fulfilled. 2. Men are in charge of what they ‘get’, meaning if a man wants that type of woman, he should go find her and date her.), but I will say that it is making it harder for men that rely solely on media to determine what they think they want, to find women at all. This last part is a SUPER important specification and leads to another strong belief I have about men and women: Much like how one would not know what kind of drink is his favorite after trying only one beer, a man cannot know what type of woman he truly wants to be with after dating only one woman. Obviously, the same thing goes for women.

Consider how silly it would be if I asked you to decide what drink you wanted to have with your dinner by looking at magazines and watching movies. If you’ve dined out often and tried many types of cocktails, it would be easy. If you haven’t had a variety of tasting experiences, you’d probably choose a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred), or some PATRON IN MAH CUP, which is quite literally what we do when we first start drinking – rely on movies and rap songs to suggest things for us. These aren’t necessarily bad drinks (though don’t get me started on Patron as an overrated tequila) but they are blind matches. This should serve as the beginning of a long journey to find what one believes to be their ‘type’ of drink, not as a final choice – RIGHT?

Many men tend to date in the same way. They have one or two girlfriends in high school or college and then, when they start on a dry patch, they justify being single by saying “I haven’t found the perfect girl yet”. They then interpret their anxiety as “high standards”. For instance, John Doe doesn’t want to approach that gorgeous girl in the club because, even though she’s more beautiful than his last girlfriend, she seems like a club rat, and he wants a motivated girl that’s intelligent and worldly. Of course, since he doesn’t interact with a lot of women -not to mention the girl in question- he really has no idea what she’s like at all and won’t find out because of his “standards”. On the other hand, John Doe might be in the grocery store and see the same girl with a copy of Plato’s Republic under her arm weighing the benefits of the smaller bag of gluten-free almond flower and the larger, sale-priced, bag and say she’s not flashy or showy or made-up enough. Left untreated, this very serious disorder can result in a lifetime of bachelorhood all held under the oft-heard belief than men need “standards.”

To summarize this portion, there are three important things you must understand while embracing your “standards”:

You know nothing about a woman until you investigate. I have dated women that you would not call 10s. You would say “Well, yeah, she’s cute, but you’re Gareth Jones, you could do way better.” Some of these women have been so close to perfect that I would, to this day, take a bullet for them. They have been kind, generous, open, intelligent, and incredibly well-read. For someone who relies on Hustler to tell him what he wants, they wouldn’t even scale, but to me, they were catches any man would be lucky to have. On the other hand, I’ve dated girls that most men would cut off their left hand just to stand behind in a Starbuck’s line and some of these girls are ones with whom, after two weeks, I politely broke it off and ran for the hills. These are women I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole on a game show to win a million dollars.

This is, by no means, the standard, but the outliers are the reason we cannot generalize.

You know nothing about what you want until you investigate. Back to the drink analogy, for those of us that are drinkers, we all knew we had to start somewhere and made no apologies for the Hpnotiq shots or the White Russians that began the long journey of understanding our palate. Eventually, we moved on to a striking fascination with Laphroig 16 and Unusual Negronis (made with Campari and Lillet Blanc, please). In dating, we must do the same thing. No matter what stage you are at, whether it be the desperate-to-find-a-girl or the need-to-bang-100-chix stage, we are all looking for someone to share experiences with and who can make our lives better. We must embrace this and appreciate the women that lead us to appreciate our tastes and understand ourselves.

Our tastes change and mature. When I was 15, I dated a girl that was mildly attractive, whom some would consider almost talented, and who was perhaps, almost, could-be-construed-as a bit of fun. At the time it was amazing and I’ll always cherish that but, just like having my first Natty light on my lawn at a high school party where I got the spins and threw up in the bushes, I have been able to refine my tastes and appreciate things that I previously did not know were possible to achieve, or that I did not expect to appreciate.

When you see a girl as a potential lover, you filter her through your past experiences. It is absolutely acceptable to say “She’s not attractive enough for me to get it up, so I couldn’t date her” I’m totally down with that. But by rejecting what you think a girl is without investigating because she doesn’t fit the model mold, you’re missing phenomenal experiences that will change and shape your life in incredible ways.

The iHop waitress that loves science fiction books or the PacSun retail associate that wore Vans don’t sound good on paper, but they are beautiful women that still have a huge place in my heart. The 19 year old stripper from LA sounds awesome to some guys, but I’ll always love her because of her sensitivity and how much she loves waking up early and making everyone in the house omelettes. The swimsuit model and the well-known actress were both bitchy and bad in bed, and the 20 year old that works at the pizza place makes me want to run off to a town in the cornfields of Illinois and get married. These are the things that men that love women see, and the men that love women know that there is just simply no substitution for experience.

This has turned out to be more of an unstructured rant than I wanted it to be, but I hope the point has come across with some force. If you are truly interested in expanding your life as a man and bettering the world around you, you simply must open up your mind to the people and experiences you come across (no pun intended), and allow depth to be earned.

Hope this helps,