JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both pointer fingers to slowly type out the lewd phrase even as the site’s autocomplete function has already correctly guessed his desired search terms. Further reports indicate that with his reading glasses perched at the end of his nose, your dad is using the keyboard’s right arrow key to browse, one by one, through dozens of enlarged, pixelated images of women’s bare breasts, eventually clicking upon one that suits his purpose, unaware that he has just accidentally downloaded the same photo directly to his desktop where it will be clearly visible to the next user. At press time, sources confirmed that your father, having found the relief he was looking for, was using his phone to photograph one particular image of his choosing so that he could enjoy it at a later date.


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