This is a topic that is one of the hardest for me regarding my current state.

I simply don’t feel like enough. I’m biologically female and identify as one but I truly feel like I’ve been robbed of every ounce of femininity I have other than the constant reminder that my reproductive system hates me. I just don’t feel attractive at all anymore.

The burdening thought of “did I actually deserve this” rotates in my mind constantly.

Did I do this to myself?

Why is it that I attribute my self worth with the abilities of my reproductive system?

I’m not in a position in which I want a child but it makes me feel very inadequate knowing that either I can’t reproduce or it will be a very long road to do so.

Not only that. My brain is completely betraying me.

I have bipolar disorder and it’s progressively getting worse.

There. I said it.

For the longest time I felt like I had some version of what you would call control over my mind. But not. I would still have total and complete meltdowns in between states of manic.

The upswings are very up and the downswings are very down. Past trauma is resurfacing because I think my brain is done protecting me.

I almost wish that I was catatonic during this phase in my life. I wouldn’t see or comprehend what’s happening to me. I’m in a downward spiral and I’m losing complete control, all while understanding everything that’s going on and watching it slip away from my hands.

The tremendous amount of pain I feel 25 days out of the month has brought this out in me. I’m certain of it. As well as life’s other stressors.

I needed to write this today. I needed to channel SOME of what I’m feeling currently. This is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much more.

I was once a kind and patient person. Who was giving of her time and her everything. I do not have it in me anymore.

I have to pick myself back up.

But I’m pouring from an empty cup.