God is an Asshole.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and that’s my conclusion. Normally I’d follow that up with something like: “…if He’s even real”, but that tunnel to Hell was pretty convincing. And, yes, while I didn’t see God Himself, I witnessed the dark side, and that’s enough for me.

God’s exists, and he’s a Right Bastard.

“Why would I say such things?” you ask. Well, what do you think would have happened to me if I hadn’t escaped and returned to Earth for round two?

Eternal Damnation, folks.

And for what?

“C’mon, Wayne,” you add, “you did some pretty heinous shit. How can you expect to behave that way and not be punished in the fires of Hell?”

Okay, okay, I know, I killed a bunch of people. Boo hoo. I did that. But were those murders really so unjustified? And was it really me committing them? I mean, Yumi did most of the bad shit on the boat, right? Just because she was a figment of my imagination doesn’t automatically make it my fault does it?

You roll your eyes. “Uh, kinda.”

Well… you’re an idiot. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s really not your fault. That’s the way God made you. He wanted you to be an idiot. And he wanted me to be delusional and murderous. That was His Plan.

“But free will, Wayne! What about free will!?”

Yeah, yeah. Look, if God is supposed to be perfect and God is supposed to be Love, capital “L”, why is he so fucking hellbent on creating imperfect beings capable of doing horrible shit? Is it because he gets off on sending his creations to hell when they screw up? If He really wanted to create a bunch of people and just had to give them free will, and on top of all that He Loved them like crazy, don’t you think he’d give everyone a fucking pass after they died? Don’t you think he’d be all like “Sorry, everyone, this was all kind of a big experiment, and I knew what I was getting into, so forget all that shit and enjoy an eternity of peace?”

Nope. That’s not the deal. We screw up and it’s off to the inferno. You thought you lived a perfect life, and you did a lot of good, and you genuinely cared for people, BUT, remember that one “goddammit” you whispered in fifth grade that you thought no one heard? Well, God heard it, and that hiccup bought you a first-class ticket to the shit storm, buddy. Tough luck.

I dunno. Maybe God would appreciate it if I helped him clean up the mess down here. Maybe if I acted more like Him, He’d give me a second look the next time I kick the bucket. I could do that. I could totally do what He does. It’s a pretty simple recipe, actually. All you have to do is:

Create a flawed system Expect the impossible Torture everyone who breaks the rules

Oh, and don’t forget to outsource #3 to the biggest dick you know so you don’t look like the bad guy.

Asshole.