Being in an abusive relationship doesn’t just hurt the target of abuse, it hurts everyone who cares about and loves the target.

In my practice, I find I am increasingly working with family members of men who are grieving the loss, or potential loss, of a beloved son, brother, grandson, etc. These men all had the misfortune of getting involved with and committing themselves to “Crazy” (insecure, immature, abusive, high-conflict and/or personality disordered — diagnosed and undiagnosed — women).

The families members with whom I work either have already been estranged from their sons/brothers at the mandate of the abusive, controlling spouse or girlfriend or are in the process of powerlessly watching their loved one slip away as Crazy increasingly isolates and brainwashes him into believing the worst of his family and the best of her. Common lies and distortions include:

Your family is trying to tear us apart.

Your family is rude to me.

You family hates me.

Your family is controlling.

Your family is unhealthy.

Your family is enmeshed.

You need to man-up and quit crying to your mother/father/sister/brother.

Never forget, bullies and predators like weak, easy targets. Isolating their prey from “the herd” is just one of the ways they do this.

Why would an abusive wife or girlfriend try to force an estrangement from their boyfriend’s or husband’s family?

1. Many abusive individuals, Borderlines, Narcissists, etc., are pathologically insecure and jealous. She requires all of her prey’s attention, time, resources and affection. She views loving family members and friends as competition and a threat to her total control and ownership of her prey.

2. These individuals fear exposure. She worries that family members will see through her. She fiercely guards her prey and does not allow him around anyone with whom she does not control the narrative and/or is not one of her sycophants/toadies/negative advocates/flying monkeys. Removing friends and family from her prey’s life who would speak up and say, “The way she treats you is wrong” and help him reality test is imperative to her maintaining control.

3. As previously noted, these individuals like easy and/or willing victims. “Nice guys” seem to be the perfect prey. These women turn their prey’s kindness, patience, naivety, and willingness to problem solve and compromise into weaknesses. They count on their victim’s decency and sense of honor, loyalty and commitment to get away with the things they do. Isolating the victim is a very effective way to ensure he continues to drink her kool-aid and also to ensure that he has nowhere to turn for help if and when the light bulbs start to turn on.

4. Many of these women come from severely dysfunctional and abusive homes, but not all. For those women who are repeating the generational cycle of abuse and/or mental illness and personality disorders, this is just business as usual. If you look into their family tree, you will probably find a history of familial cut-offs, feuds, grudges, etc. Your daughter-in-law or sister-in-law or granddaughter-in-law probably sees estrangement and her host of other dysfunctional and abusive behaviors as “normal.”

5. For the abusive, personality disordered woman, isolating and controlling your son is essential to her psychological survival — at least, that’s probably how she sees it. Initially, she no doubt mapped her infantile wish for a perfect parent/mommy/daddy/knight in shining armor/savior onto your son or brother. If she has Borderline Personality Disorder or any of the other Cluster B disorders or traits (narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic), she no doubt began to devalue and abuse him once she secured a relationship with him. He probably went from being her “hero/soulmate” to a loser who cannot do anything right in quick succession.

Your son is more than likely jumping through an endless series of hoops in an effort to become her hero again. No healthy, happy, emotionally secure person with boundaries and self-esteem would tolerate this kind of behavior for long. Thus, Crazy keeps your son or brother tethered to her by keeping him in a weakened state of confusion, shifting blame, false hope and wishful thinking.

If you are watching this happen to a family member or friend, it is incredibly painful. You want to intervene and help, but Crazy probably twists your love and concern into something bad. You have more than likely had your hopes raised when your son or brother initially confided in you that all is not well and he is contemplating ending the relationship, only to have these hopes dashed when he inexplicably gives her another chance and another and another.

Every time he goes back to her, he becomes a little more distant and guarded with you. This is because Crazy more than likely punishes him severely for these acts of “disobedience” and “disloyalty.” This is often Crazy’s first act of parental and familial alienation, but it is directed at her husband’s/boyfriend’s family instead of the children they have together. Crazy cuts you out of your brother’s or son’s life just as surely as she will one day do to the children he shares with her. Consider it her dress rehearsal for parental alienation to come.

Some men see their way out of these relationships and reconnect with their families of origin; while others do not. These men become moths to the flame of Crazy until their very selves and souls are extinguished by her inferno of hate, jealousy, control and insecurity. Families with sons and brothers who refuse to escape often have to accept the loss because it is too painful to watch the destruction of their son or brother, and grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Many adopt a “tough love” approach like you would do with a loved one with an addiction.

I can only imagine how painful and difficult it must be to let go of a beloved family member who has become a brainwashed husk of the person he once was. However, it is often necessary to look away and distance yourself from witnessing the ongoing abuse in order to grieve and heal.

Kristina Grant, who follows the Shrink4Men Facebook page, has experienced such a loss. She wrote the following poem to grieve the loss of her brother. She has given me her permission to publish it here.

For my brother..

The time has come

to accept that there’s nothing

that can be done

To let it go

to be free

Oh I’ve tried and I’ve tried

over and over

but it never changes

I’m just spinning my wheels

in the dust of your destruction

it feels like

I’ve been living the movie Groundhog Day

over and over

same shit

different day

for five years in a row

around and around we go

where it ends

if it ends

nobody knows

no longer will I climb

your pathetic mountain of lies

to help you down

no longer will I cry

as I watch her bleed you dry

no longer will I try

to make sense of something

where there is no sense

no sanity

no clarity

you’re gone

deep in the folds

of her straight jacket

banging your head against the wall

over and over

excusing and justifying

the utter nothingness of what she is

as she tears you down

stomps on your crown

and laughs that crazy laugh

what will it take

to wake you up

to help you see

the nightmare that envelops you

controls you

owns you

the Succubus whispers in your ear

draws you down

fills you with fear

takes you

makes you cower

makes you whimper

I cannot watch any longer

I cannot bear

to see you suffocating

in the coils of the snake

as she squeezes you to death

so as the two of you

grab and nip at my heels

in the throes of your twisted dance

trying me

pushing me

wanting my reaction

just to feed your madness

watch me walk

my solid walk

NOW is the time I stomp on your hands

and tape your mouths shut

NOW is the time

that I cut the ties

with all your lies

and walk away

to live my life

Goodbye.

Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.