Portage la Prairie, MB –

The results are in, and it looks like Portage likes it on top when it comes to making whoopee. According to a new survey of bedroom habits, Portage and Carman beat all other cities and towns hands down when measuring how often they do the deed.

Portagers, on average, have sex 15.85 times per week, nosed out by Carmanites who boast a 15.98 average. Oakville, nestled comfortably between Portage and Carman, rounded out the threesome of top performers with a robust 15.69 per week average.

The Manitoba sex survey exposes how Portagers and Carmanites are getting it on almost twice as often as people from Brandon, Morden, Virden, Swan River and Dauphin, and are getting to know each other Biblically four times more frequently than Steinbach, Winkler and Altona. It is important to point out that fertility rates for the Bible-belt towns are more than triple that of Portage making them far more efficient, but not as passionate lovers.

The volume of sex Portagers are having is seen as a main reason why so many cultural and entertainment events are modestly attended when compared to other places in the province.

“We have speculated why so few people attend shows and events,” local promoter Vance Donaldson said. “Now we finally know why we can’t sell as many tickets in Portage.”

It would also partly explain why attendance at Portage Terrier games is not as high as places like Steinbach and Virden despite the team having won more championships than any other team in the past decade.

Local internet providers have noted that Portage has a much higher rate of Netflix subscriptions. “Netflix and chill may well be the favorite pass time in Portage,” city spokesperson Sheila Snaith explained. “We are not going to settle for being number two. We want to pass Carman and take that number one spot.”

Portage will be coming up with a promotional plan to increase the amount of love-making in time for the next survey. Ideas under consideration are rolling blackouts during winter months, closing the highway to Winnipeg more often, increasing internet speed and working with the Portage Library to stock more romance and erotic titles.

“We can be proud of our city’s sexual exploits but I know we can do better if we just bear down and try a bit harder,” Snaith said.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire and perhaps, funny.

Photo: Lucia Sanchez – https://www.flickr.com/photos/gusilu/