DESPITE coming out as transgender non-binary, 20-year-old Ashley Jones feels the pressure to identify as either male or female on an almost daily basis.

Born Aidan Jones, the Young Greens Northern Ireland chairperson, whose mother is the party’s Fermanagh representative, Tanya Jones, has changed her name and pronouns and started hormones in the last 12 months.

It’s been a huge transition, and not one without its challenges along the way.

Simple daily events like going out with friends or attending classes can present various obstacles that many of us take for granted.

“I have to make a lot of allowances,” says Ashley.

Although she says she has managed to grow a thick skin to judgement in the last year, the Queen’s University drama student admits: “I don’t have the mental energy to be visibly trans-non-binary in a transphobic world every day.”

Explaining what it’s like to discover your own identity in a world that views gender as simply male or female, Ashley says there are times when she even fears for her own safety.

“I get misgendered nearly every day - it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I try to ignore it as much as possible. It often doesn’t feel safe to draw attention to myself by correcting people, but if there are good friends with me they might stand up for me and I’ll feel a little better about it.”

Going out in public can be either “stressful, or quite vindicating”, she says.

“I have to have a tough skin when I’m out in public because so many people stare. I’d like to say I’m strong enough that I can be out and proud in public every day, but sometimes I go out knowing people are going to think I’m a man. “It feels awful, but I don’t have the mental energy to be visibly trans-non-binary in a transphobic world every day. It does affect where I go, and how - which bars and cafes are likely to have people who don’t stare, which routes will avoid crowds of men, and which places will involve me having to talk to people, for example.

“I’m lucky to live close to my university, because I don’t feel comfortable using gendered toilets there most of the time, and I often rush home to use the bathroom rather than potentially be harassed in a public toilet.

“I have to make a lot of allowances like that for my own safety and wellbeing, especially on the days I’m not feeling as punk as I’d like to be. It’s a big relief when I’m with people who understand, and in places that are trans-inclusive.”

She admits however, that moving away from Fermanagh two years ago to study in Belfast has made all the changes in her life slightly easier.

“I’m definitely more afraid of people harassing me in Fermanagh,” she says, “And in general, people are more understanding and less judgemental in Belfast, partly because there are more young people in the city, and partly because of the work of great advocacy organisations like GenderJam here, who have done a lot for the fight for trans recognition. People are also just less afraid to appear different in a city where you can be more anonymous. “Growing up in Fermanagh, I was very aware of being an awkward and strange child, and felt excluded from being friends with people a lot, especially when I was younger.

“Despite that, I did make some good friends, and did my best to use the internet to make up for a lack of events and groups available in the county.

“I wasn’t very aware of my own gender at all when I was a child, preferring not to think about it. Everyone saw me as a long-haired boy who cried easily, and at the time, I thought that was probably accurate, even if I wasn’t like most of the boys.

Ashley only realised she identified as non-binary at the beginning of last year.

“I had been feeling increasingly at odds with how I looked and how people saw me,” she explains, “And I had a lot of admiration for my trans and non-binary friends. I realised I didn’t have to try to look like a man when I clearly didn’t feel comfortable as one.”

Understandably, this realisation brought with it many mixed emotions.

“On the one hand, I was excited that I might actually start to be happy with how I looked and how I presented myself, but on the other, I knew I would end up facing a lot of stigma,” recalls Ashley.

“When I finally found there was something I could identify as, it was like puzzle pieces coming together; that there’s actually a term for people who feel like me.”

Ashley says coming out was an easy decision to make.

“Unfortunately in our society, when people who are perceived as male start being feminine, they’re often ridiculed. “That was my experience when I started dressing differently, shaving my legs and wearing make-up. People want a reason for men to do those things.

“It was much easier to come out and let people know a reason, than to be made fun of by friends for being a girly man. I was essentially letting people know why I was changing how I presented myself to them.

“I felt a little nervous, but also proud and excited. I have a lot of LGBTQ friends, so I knew I would be supported by them. Coming out is a very personal thing, so you’re really relying on people to accept you and not use that information about you in a malicious way.”

Ashley seized the opportunity to educate others about what it means to be non-binary.

Around this time last year she posted a video on YouTube of her coming out to close friends and relatives.

The video includes footage of her telling mother, Tanya, that she was non-binary.

“Not many people have parents who are positive about LGBTQ identities, especially in rural Ireland, so I’m very grateful to have my mum’s support since coming out,” says Ashley, “My closest friends were also very supportive, and some of my women friends were happy to help me with my transition, which I was extremely grateful for. I actually came out to my girlfriend at the time after she asked me why I wasn’t like other men! So my identity was well-respected by the people who knew me best.”

Ashley has used make-up in order to help herself and others notice that she is not a male.

“It’s as much part of my identity as any girl’s. Sometimes it’s one of the few ways people will actually notice I’m not a man, so I’m indebted to it somewhat, but I’d still be the same person without it.”

But possibly the biggest change she has embarked on in this period of transition is to begin taking hormones to help her feel more comfortable with her body.

“Essentially, some - but not all - trans people go on hormones to feel more comfortable with their bodies. Hormones can change your skin softness, body fat distribution and hair growth, among other things, just like regular puberty. Some people take testosterone to appear more masculine, and some take oestrogen to appear more feminine. I decided to start hormones because I knew I was going to feel more comfortable with my body when I would have a more feminine face, thinner body hair, and breast development.”

In the last 12 months Ashley has come a long way, but there are still pressures for her to identify as either male or female. “People have trouble understanding who you are if you defy the gender binary, and I have to choose to be male or female on most official documents like bank statements and ID cards. Unfortunately, I’ve had to make concessions to that.

“As my identity has developed, I’ve become more comfortable with designating myself as a woman, as I feel closer to femininity - so I tend to register myself as female; but I have had situations where I’ve entered the gender-neutral title ‘Mx’ on forms, only for it to be changed to ‘Mr.’ without my consultation.”

Her advice to anyone unsure how to address her is simple: “Ask! If anyone’s unsure how to address people, it’s always best to ask politely- I’ll be happy to tell you that my preferred pronouns are she or her.”

She has a message to those who think that identifying as ‘non-binary’ is just a notion: “They should maybe to read up on their history - non-binary people have existed across cultures and time periods throughout history. Society’s ideas about gender are just a notion, and are being updated all the time.

“I think everyone’s becoming slightly more educated about identity, though there’s still a lot of ignorance and bigotry out there. People make some awful assumptions about the identities of others, but it is becoming more normal to make sure people are being respectful.”

And to those anxious about ‘coming out’ she advises them to take their time. “You don’t have to rush coming out if you don’t feel safe. There are lots of resources online, and lots of people who feel the same way as you and would be honoured to accept you. You’re no less legitimate because you haven’t come out publicly, and if you need help, there are lots of good support and advocacy services, like GenderJam, SAIL NI and The Rainbow Project in Northern Ireland.”