To me the characters found in video games are the most interesting part. Sure, I like jumping off buildings with giant homing missile rocket launchers and landing on the ground so hard all the nearby cars explode as much as the next guy, but it’s the people that you meet along the way that stay in your memory for years to come. And the goofier they are, the better.

Here’s the video game characters that, to me, were the ones that were the dumbest but also at the same time the absolute BEST because they were just so plain goofy and charming in their own way.

Captive (Metal Slug)



You’ve been imprisoned by enemy forces that may or may not be Nazis. For months now you’ve been chained up, starved, assaulted and worked to an inch of your life. All hope and humanity you may have had is lost…when suddenly a guy comes in, shoots up the place, and rescues you! Do you:

Cry in despair and pain and gratitude, before asking if he has any food Stare blankly at the walls for weeks or even months, as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder overwhelms you Run towards the nearest Red Cross camp and beg for help.

The correct answer is NONE OF THE ABOVE, JUST TAKE OFF YOUR UNDERWEAR.

Seriously what the hell did they DO to these guys?

Horace (Horace Goes Skiing)

Just look at him. One of video gaming’s earliest mascots was also one of the weirdest. What was Horace?

Was he just a blob with arms?

Did he think?

Did he feel?

Was he angry or happy?

Did he like French cinema?

I guess we’ll never know. I love him to bits but he still gives me the creeps.

Dolphin (Aero Fighter 2 / Sonic Wing 2)

God, I love this guy. The game is a fairly routine vertically scrolling shmup but you get to play as some cool characters, including the world’s first dolphin pilot. Why or even how he became a pilot is never made clear, but I get the feeling (through the between-level text boxes) that he’s deeply concerned about evil forces taking over the world and feels that he could do more about it in a jet than in the ocean.

What makes him especially cool is when you play the game in two player mode the other characters get completely creeped out that they’re talking to a flying dolphin, and for some reason it always gives me the giggles.

Flag guy (OutRun)

Flag guy is the best part of OutRun, and I think OutRun is just wall-to-wall awesome, so that says a lot about how much I love Flag Guy.

Flag Guy will, if you decide to just let your car sit there and gather dust after the flag is waved, stand around and entertain the crowds.

He’ll shake, he’ll moonwalk, I’m pretty sure he’ll even bake you a nice casserole if the timer didn’t count down by the time the oven warmed up.

Bartender (Wonder Boy In Monster Land)

I just have a couple of questions about the Bartender you meet at the start of the game:

Why is he running a bar in the middle of nowhere How does he stay in business with only two drinks and no other customers Has he noticed that Wonder Boy isn’t exactly of drinking age?!

Still, I like his spirit, his cheeky optimism, and his flamboyant ’80s hair that says he doesn’t really care what anyone thinks. We need more people in this world that follows his brave example.

Salesman Stan (The Secret of Monkey Island)

I would buy anything from Salesman Stan.

If he came over to my house and told me I needed to buy a sixth Commodore 64 I’d be all like WELL YOU MAKE A COMPELLING CASE SALESMAN STAN, YOUR PLAID SUIT AND LITERS OF SPITTLE CONVINCED ME, NOW BRING IT AROUND THE BACK SO THE WIFE DOESN’T REGRET HER LIFE CHOICES EVEN MORE.

And when he’s sold you everything you can use him as an air conditioning unit because his flapping arms cool the room rather nicely.

Poochy (Tetris Attack)

Big Al (Pilotwings)

Big Al is the chief of the Pilotwings aviation flight school, and when you first meet him he’s a real hard ass. He’s always riding you to fly perfectly and not screw up and get a real job already AND YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD ANYWAY. Big Al gets away with that because he’s a legend, a story, and a man who towers over others with his remarkable flying achievements.

That all changes the day his brother is kidnapped by the EVIL Syndicate. Perhaps his brother shouldn’t have been hanging around with an organisation called the EVIL Syndicate, but it’s too late for regrets now so Big Al asks you to fly in and blow ’em all up. It’s a tough mission and God knows I nearly snapped my SNES controller in two while doing it but Big Al breaks down in tears when you do it and if that’s not Oscar-worthy character progression I don’t know what is.

Cranky Kong (Donkey Kong Country)

Cranky Kong, AKA the original Donkey Kong AKA my personal hero, is my favourite video game character of all time because he just sits around the house all day talking about old video games and how much better they are than the new ones.

I mean, I know that seems crazy, but that just seems like the ideal life to me.