Disclaimer: The article below is a humorous satire of driving in Singapore. Please do not take any of the points listed in this post seriously.

By Jackson Tan

This is what they don’t teach you in driving school: 7 handy tips that you – or anyone – can adopt to instantly assimilate into local driving culture.

Braking unnecessarily and erratically. While Singapore lacks prominent “buy local” initiatives which encourage consumers to support local industries, Singaporean drivers, fueled by patriotism, are doing their utmost to do so. By braking unnecessarily and erratically, brake pads wear out faster, and fuel consumption increases. Consequently, the more frequent replacements of brake pads stimulate economic activity within the automotive-service industries, and the increased fuel consumption directly supports our local refineries. Merging. When merging lanes, try your best to squeeze past as many vehicles as you can. Never merge early. If possible, force the overtaken vehicle to emergency-brake. With the prevalence of dashboard cameras today, your incredible feat is likely to be recorded by other inspired and awestruck drivers and uploaded to local driving communities for others to learn from. Giving way. Do not give way under any circumstances. If another vehicle is in front in an adjacent lane, and blocked by roadworks or a vehicle breakdown, do not slow down and allow it to enter your lane. Singapore is proudly meritocratic – you are where you are (in your superior lane) because of your refined judgement and killer instincts. Allowing another driver into your lane would erode the values that Singapore is founded on. Straddling multiple lanes. The wisdom concerning lanes is “the more the merrier”. If one is good, two must be better. Go ahead and drive directly over the dashed lines demarcating adjacent lanes. The justification for this is simple yet indisputable: you are indubitably entitled to do as you please. After all, it isn’t called the Certificate of Entitlement for nothing. Hogging the lane. Going 20kmph below the limit on the overtaking lane on the expressway? No worries! Refer to the previous point. Emergency vehicles. Giving way is discouraged. First-come, first-served, right? Line cutting is inexcusable and cannot be condoned. Consistent speed. Consistency is boring. Spice up the drive by going fast, then slow, then fast again. Keep the drivers behind you guessing! Who says Singapore is boring?

That’s it! These 7 tips will help you become a better Singaporean driver in no time. I look forward to road-raging behind you on the roads.

On a more serious note, while this post might be satirical, the implication is anything but so. I only noticed how bad some local drivers are after returning from a trip, and I honestly wish that more drivers could drive better. Remember to adhere to traffic rules, driving safely, and behave courteously in order to make commuting a much more pleasant experience for everyone.