Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: ADVENTURES ON INDY ISLAND.

Making fun of indy merch is a tough proposition. While WWE and TNA should really have the time and money to make a decent job of it (EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T), you can’t make the same assumptions about indy companies, so it’s only fair to cut them some slack. Also, I have been made aware by a number of hashtags that it is VITALLY IMPORTANT to #SupportIndyWrestling and #FindIndyWrestling and #HonorLives and #WWETonsOfFunk.

SO LOOK: Go to indy shows, pay for indy iPPVs and buy indy shirts (either direct from the wrestlers themselves or from somewhere like prowrestlingtees.com and NO I AM NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS BUT MAYBE THEY’LL SEND ME A FREE YOUNG BUCKS SUPER MARIO PILLOWCASE HINT HINT).

Anyway! Now I’ve covered my back, LET’S GET STARTED.

Barbershop Window

Jesus. If you’re wearing any one of these shirts to a show, there’s a fair chance I’ll be moving seats to be as far away from you as possible.

I’m also assuming that you will:

Start WHAT-ing during any promo even though it is the year TWO THOUSAND AND THIRTEEN.

Wear your #HEEL shirt under the hoodie you saw CM Punk wearing on Raw, despite the fact that you’re not entirely sure who this ‘Gracie Jiu Jitsu’ person is.

Do your best to start a Chris Benoit chant because EDGY!!!!

Be the proud owner of a luxurious neckbeard.

These might be some unfair assumptions but man, I’m not the one in the #HEEL shirt.

Ring of Honor

Your life was a blessing.

Your memory a treasure.

You are loved beyond words.

And missed beyond measure.

— Commemorating Wrestling’s Greatest Tag Team: 2010-2013 —

You will live in our hearts and on the ROH merch site forever.

2CW

I don’t know about that trending worldwide thing, but this actually seems like a pretty okay shirt. Nice colour, seems like decent quality but… wait, hold on.

Giraffe?

Giraffe!

G I R A F F E

***INTERMISSION START***

Awkward TNA Picture of the Week

Oh my goodness, a brand new regular feature! So the problem with ShopTNA.com is that the sheer volume of amazingly awkward pictures on there means I can’t limit myself to featuring them exclusively in TNA-focussed articles. Instead, it’s going to have to be a weekly feature.

This week, we’re celebrating…

MATT MORGAN! Congratulations, Matt! By clutching at your belt buckle while making a weird face, you manage to look super awkward AND like a totally gross perv. Well done!

***INTERMISSION END***

Pro Wrestling Syndicate

QUESTION:

What’s the most exciting phrase you could possibly hope to see on an indy company’s merch site?

ANSWER:

And man, PWS does NOT disappoint. In their misc. items section, they feature:

An orange sweatband!



A bunch of pirate-themed party favours probably bought from a dollar store!



A guitar pick?



Knock-off action figures that were DEFINITELY bought from a dollar store!



I LOVE THIS. Genuinely! I can’t begrudge PWS at all for selling this stuff, because:

It’s an honest replication of the in-person indy show merch experience – all it’s really lacking is a table of cheap lucha masks; It’s not like they’re going crazy with the prices; I would DEFINITELY buy that sweatband, even though orange is not my colour at all; AND There’s something so shameless about it that it’s charming. The cheek of describing those terrible rip-off figures as ‘mint in package’ makes me so happy.

Basically, the PWS misc. items page is the very essence of indy wrestling merch and the entrepreneurial spirit. It’s beautiful. It’s AMERICA.

Resistance Pro Wrestling

“Hi, Billy Corgan? It’s great to have you here today! So you’ve seen the new shirt, but we just wanted to get your thoughts on how you wanted to present it on the websi-”

“HELLO YES I AM BILLY CORGAN. I AM AN EXTREMELY FAMOUS MUSICIAN WITH THE POPULAR BAND THE SMASHING PUMPKINS AS WELL AS BEING THE OWNER OF THE INDEPENDENT WRESTLING COMPANY RESISTANCE PRO WRESTLING. I SEE THIS SHIRT. IT IS A GOOD SHIRT. I AM A GOOD MAN. I WILL MODEL THE SHIRT.”

“…right, okay! Great! Great. So where did you want to take the picture for the shirt?”

“HERE IN THIS HOTEL ROOM IS FINE. IT IS A GOOD HOTEL ROOM FOR A GOOD MAN IN A GOOD SHIRT.”

“You’re sure? I have a studio, or we could go to the ring and take some pictures there, but… Billy, why are you getting out your guitar?”

“I AM A FAMOUS MUSICIAN SO I MUST HOLD A GUITAR SO THE PEOPLE KNOW THIS. IT IS A GOOD GUITAR.”

“Shouldn’t we tidy up a bit?”

“NO, LEAVE IT AS IT IS. THIS IS REALITY. THIS IS TRUTH. I AM BILLY CORGAN.”

“But there’s a book titled ‘Hitler Land’ in the shot, don’t you worry that might confuse people a little?”

“LET THEM BE CONFUSED. BILLY CORGAN IS A MYSTERY THAT CANNOT BE SOLVED.”

“Fine, fine. Do you want to smile or pose at all?”

“NO I WILL SIT HERE AND LOOK AT THE CAMERA AND HOLD THE GOOD GUITAR AND WEAR THE GOOD SHIRT LIKE A GOOD MAN. TAKE THE PICTURE.”

*CLICK*

“THAT IS PERFECT. OKAY GO AWAY, BILLY CORGAN GO TO SLEEP NOW.”

– @TomBlargh WILL return in‘The Merch Table – HIGHSPOTS HOUSE OF HORRORS’. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops.