Annnnnd we’re back. Only a week after ‘ette ended we’ve have been re-introduced to a handful of Bachelor(ette) rejects looking for that ever elusive love. This episode pretty much had it all so I know the season will be great. With that being said, I can’t help but notice it’s missing that special something that makes the bach, the bach. Regardless, I plan to enjoy the ride.

The show starts with each contestant(?) walking down a Mexican beach somehow devoid of Mexican’s and arriving in a hut like area where they size each other up and fall in love in a matter of minutes. I’m talking about you Ashlee. There was one girl that stood out to a few of the guys as she walked down the beach. No one really recognized her because a) Juan Pablo was a retard and sent her home the first date and b) they didn’t know she looked like this:

Had trouble finding a picture from last night’s episode but you get the point(s). Lacy is a smoke show. It’s too bad she isn’t very smart. More on that later.

So people slowly started pairing up/excluding people. I won’t think too much of this because there were already several “swaps” (until I can come up with something better) just on the first episode. And with people being eliminated and replacing one another the possibilities are endless. Ashlee marked Graham as her territory and will fight Clare if she needs to. Dylan was the victim of Jersey Shore Mike the situation’s bootie call Elise. Yes, the whore of this guy:

Dylan’s dick will fall off if he gets it anywhere near that girl. Clare took Robert on a first date but that isn’t going anywhere. Same with Sarah and Marcus. Lacy and Robert got cozy until the rose ceremony. Ben and Marquel didn’t have anyone and neither did Daneilla, and super crazy she may have just killed someone Michelle K.

I think part of the reason that this didn’t feel like the bachelor was because production had their hands all over this one. With the main event the drama unfolds naturally. There doesn’t need to be any interference. While it may have been needed here I think that’s how it lost it’s charm. Allow me to introduce to you exhibit A; the Marquel situation (situation, see what i did there). After the potential undertones involving race at men tell all, they couldn’t have the one black guy not have anyone to give his rose too and get eliminated the second week so Mike Fleiss (the producer/creator or whatever guy) called an audible. Not even a full week in here comes Michelle Money who…..let’s just say has a history. She had a kid and ruined the marriage of former Utah Jazz player Carlos Boozer:

Guess who happened to get the next date card. Michelle. And guess who she asked on a date. Why it was Marquel. Very transparent, but probably necessary.

Exhibit B; editing to make Clare look crazier than usual and converse with a raccoon. A big problem with this show is that when you have everyone paired up there aren’t many other conversations. During the bachelor Clare could have been talking to one of the other girls in the house but since she had no one to talk to she talks with production while they cut in clips of a raccoon like it’s listening in. While Clare is a little crazy, Dr. Doolittle she is not.

Exhibit C; the rose ceremony. I was kind of waiting for this all night to see how they would decide the order of who got to present their rose. The longer it went, the more I knew they would line it up to create the most drama. And that’s exactly what happened. Every guy that was going to give his rose without any chance of upsetting someone went first. Lacy obviously has a couple of advantages over the girls there so she attracted the most attention. She bounced around early but seemed to settle on Robert. Marcus wasn’t going to sit back and take this so it was pretty obvious when he was allowed to give his rose before Robert. He pulled the trigger and went for Lacy which left Robert to give his to Clare even though he said he would give his to Lacy. This should be an interesting battle and we’ll know more when it’s the ladies turn to give out the roses next week.

Back to Marcus briefly. Sarah, the girl with one arm, picked him to go on a date. Everything was fine until they went for a swim. I’m sure swimming with one arm is tough but I couldn’t help but recall a certain quote from Arrested Development involving Buster and a loose seal. Take it away GOB: “He’s probably out there somewhere, swimming around in circles, freaking out his whole family."

Context:

Let’s hope Sarah doesn’t swim in circles.

Back to Lacy. She also received a date card and was trying to decide between Marcus and Robert. She ultimately chose Robert but I’m curious as to how she came to that conclusion. While trying to decide she said she was 80/40 on who she was choosing….. Let’s just post another picture and forget she said that:

I have a feeling I’ll be doing a lot of that.

Michelle K stopped the rose ceremony and left. Apparently Chris is going to fill us in on what happened there next week. Oh yeah. Daniella:

Be back next week

- Nick