DES MOINES, IA—Emphasizing that the leaked recording would clear up any confusion about the various crunching, slurping, and gurgling sounds heard after the Iowa Democratic Debate, CNN released a wet mic audio analysis Thursday that revealed Joe Biden had been caught chewing on his own microphone. “While at first, the recording only picks up Biden shaking hands and joking with his fellow candidates, we eventually hear him tapping on the mic and whispering, ‘Oh, what is this? Come to papa,’” said CNN audio engineer Kristen Jennings, adding that the former vice president can then be heard sniffing the lavalier, licking it once, and then sticking it directly into his mouth. “After hours of analysis, our team has determined that Biden then attempted to chew the mic before saying ‘ew’ and spitting it out onto the ground. Then, a few minutes later, he decided to pick it back up, pop it back into his mouth, chew it, and ultimately, swallow it.” At press time, CNN confirmed that the microphone’s audio had also picked up ample evidence that Biden had successfully passed the mic two days later.

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