When the status quo is overturned, and idols begin to crumble, there’s always a first flash of resistance. The exposure of men’s sexually inappropriate conduct has claimed plenty of scalps, but there are those still either in denial or outraged such behaviour is being called into question. In a way, it’s understandable – those who’ve suckled so long at the bountiful teat of “it’s just how things are” are reluctant to see their morals questioned, plus admitting to an affection for a man revealed to have acted this way somehow makes us deficient by proxy. Yet another hero gone, we lament, how could we not have known?

At first, as the obvious candidates fell – sleazy producers, gross CEOs, notoriously pervy actors – it felt like a revolution everyone could get behind. But now the “good guys” are showing their hand at last, leading many to face some inconvenient truths or, sadly just as likely, ignore them altogether and tear into those finally having their say.

Read more: The lesson of the Harvey Weinstein scandal: listen to women

The arguments picking apart these accounts and accusations already feel clichéd and outdated: "Why didn’t you say anything before?” “You’re only doing this because they just won an award!” “Sounds like you knew what you were doing…” “Hey, that’s just how things work.”

You know the drill. Discrediting is what the powerful do best when a deal to buy silence falls through – and they have plenty of fans as their moral army. No guns or knives, just a collective clutching of pearls that someone could say such a thing and an inexhaustible supply of hot air and excuses. All on behalf of someone who doesn’t know they’re alive or dead until they stop paying to see them at the box office.

One of the easiest ways to dismantle these claims, as we’ve seen, is to question the concept of consent. We tell ourselves it’s a “grey area”, the rules around it so murky and undefined that all we can do is go for it and hope nobody gets sued. Consent is seen as something to be tangibly and forcibly withheld, not asked for – we pretend men don’t have to check themselves or read the room, it’s up to his partner to stop them, tell them no, move away from them, leave if possible.

© Getty Images

This plays into the age-old idea that men – because 999 times out of 1,000 it is men – are lustful creatures incapable of controlling themselves, that anything they do in the heat of the moment can be explained away as just that. We say things like “he lost his cool” when they kill, or “he misread the signals” when they coerce; we put it down to a force of nature. We’re saying guys need solid, firm instruction on how to behave sexually, because otherwise they might “accidentally” rape you, and that would be your fault. The victim must do all the groundwork, the soul searching afterward; they’re the ones who must try to stay out of danger, rather than chastise the men creating it in the first place.

This messed-up power-play has been a defining part of the account of a young woman known only as Grace, who went for a few drinks with comedian Aziz Ansari and then back to his flat. The woman gave a fairly unflinching account of Ansari trying to take the evening into places she didn’t want it to go, quickly accelerating from clumsy flirtation and slobbery first-date kisses into repeated attempts at fairly aggressive sexual intercourse that seemed to be all about his gratification – her part in it reduced to barely compliant sex doll.

Coercion is happening up and down the country, at all levels of relationships, from jittery first dates to otherwise happy marriages

The actor is known for his slightly geeky, but charming, roles, and this account came just days after Ansari won a Golden Globe for his role in Master of None. One of the “good guys”. To hear him behave like your average bar-room bro who grabs his crotch in the name of flirtation and doesn’t wait for you set your wine glass down before he dry humps you was a shock for his fans – they didn’t want to believe it. Rather than deconstruct this huge abuse of power – photographer Grace was 22 at the time and had been flattered when Ansari, 34, complimented on her camera at an event – his fans, and decriers of the Time’s Up movement, instead turned their attention to unpicking every part of Grace’s story.

Like a horror movie where the good-looking heroes make a mistake that makes you cover your eyes, Grace’s account has its fair share of “Don’t go into the dark basement alone!” moments, but in a similar position, could we honestly say we wouldn’t do the same? She was chided for going back with him in the first place, not being “clearer” she didn’t want to have sex with him – even though she pushed his hand away and turned her face from his kisses. Her description of trying to work out how to leave without making things even more disastrous was harrowing, but totally glossed over by people who said she should have screamed or ran the hell out of there. Easy to say from a safe distance, of course.

It’s true she found herself performing oral sex on Ansari twice, but this is what happens when you encourage the myth that consent and coercion are “grey areas” – a person can feel they have to do this. They begin to doubt themselves: maybe I’m overreacting, and he was kind to me this evening before we came back here, and if I come back to someone’s flat surely it means I’m up for it, and it’s clear they’re not going to stop unless I do something, so maybe if I do this I can get away from here unharmed? Alive? If this seems alien to you, you are so lucky. I have been there. And if you have too, but still don’t believe her, or see how this kind of thing can so easily happen, ask yourself why you’re so willing to defend this archaic, noxious free pass for men to take advantage. What’s in it for you?

You know you can control yourself, you urges are not primal; you are a grown man, not a wild dog

Whether it’s a blatant hand on the throat or a refusal to take no for an answer, or a fairly innocuous whiny nag that “it won’t take long” – these are grey areas again – coercion is happening in lounges, bedrooms and dark corners of bars up and down the country, at all levels of relationships, from anonymous hookups and jittery first dates to long-established love affairs and otherwise happy marriages. We need to stop perpetuating the idea that those on the receiving end of this coercion a) are responsible for it and b) have a duty to prevent it.

It’s very easy to check whether someone you want to have sex with is on the same page. Yes, it may sound unromantic, but stopping every now and again to ask if they’re OK, whether they’re sure, or telling them you can ease off for a while, maybe chill a little, are all very simple ways of staying on the right side of creepiness. Listen not only to your own instincts and desires but theirs. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed their body language just because it’s inconvenient for you to do so right now. You know you can control yourself, you urges are not primal; you are a grown man, not a wild dog.

The end to all this won’t come from victims continually speaking out – which they will do, by the way; this won’t be over for a long time – it must come from us, from you. No more excuses, no more ignoring the signals. Time’s up.

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