I fully expect Touchdown Jesus to turn around, look into the library and read a book when he sees the “outfits” Notre Dame is wearing for the Shamrock Series game they are playing with cocaine cruise inventors Miami.

I know Notre Dame is our rival, but I am allowed to say it. I am allowed to say that I do not support the bastardization of tradition in sports. I think the designated hitter is for wimps. I think the spread offense with plays called on posterboards that look like high school election campaign posters are clown shoes. I think most of the new look uniforms teams trot out to attract recruits that would rather be at a fashion show than look tough and kill bears are a total joke.

I know Notre Dame is our rival, but I don’t want to see them do this. I like the Golden Dome helmets. I liked the movie Rudy. I like their fight song and their traditions and the grotto and all that shit. I like it because when we come out and stomp them into submission, I want our cleats to be dripping with those proud traditions, not some candy-ass marketing stunt (AND I WORK IN ADVERTISING).

You guys see the Mad Men episode where Draper had to wear a plaid blazer out to the country to go to dinner at Pete Campbell’s house? He looked like an asshole and he knew it. He wanted to be dressed sharp and hammered off brown liquor. And why shouldn’t he rock that? He has that in his arsenal.

Notre Dame, even though they are monster tools, has tradition. It’s indisputable and I think we like it that way. The more they lose and the more they bastardize their uniforms, the more we’re carrying a rivalry that frankly put US on the map back in the day (at least it can be argued).

Look at this shit:

Besides the pose, which is 300-meets-Magic Mike, from this angle you’d think it was a subtle update of their numbers and a new slim fit jersey. I could probably deal with USC doing that for a game or two, but still it would kill a part of me. A part of me that girls find attractive and there’s a swimming pool filled with bourbon and floating trophies there.

Then the dude turns and you realize the science experiment this has become:

So, wait. If you look at the player from the other side, the helmet is blue and has a white only version of the leprechaun on it. There’s a random as huge navy stripe ON ONE LEG ONLY? I feel like some booster’s kid drew this fucking thing and everyone was forced to swallow it. Now let’s talk helmet:

The Notre Dame helmet is arguably the most recognizable helmet in all of football up there with the Michigan Wolverines, the Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bears. The Golden Helmet and business-like navy jerseys were pure class. Nothing looks cooler than our cardinal and gold going up against their jerseys. But here, you see they have decided to make the helmet 2/3 gold? Who decided this made any sense? Are they hoping the mismatching, clashing, confusing orientation of this jersey will literally give the other team aneurysms and thus make scoring touchdowns more likely?

I mean, really, ND? Wake up the Echoes indeed. That is if the Echoes can talk some fucking sense into you.

Boise State does shit like this because it is hard to recruit. When you are Notre Dame, you have what everyone wants. Tradition. Lots of it. Sure, it’s been an ugly decade and even Rick Reilly (who is the worst writer getting paid well) dogged you this week. Look. When I’ve gone to ND to see games including the 2005 Bush Push, no matter how confident I was we were going to work them, there’s something about the energy deep tradition brings. There’s something about grandfathers and fathers and sons all wearing uniforms from different eras and they are all basically the same. There’s something to their fight song and even sacrilegious Touchdown Jesus. You can’t go to the grotto there and not feel something, even if it is contempt for your opponent. They have history and tradition.

This uniform is them giving up on their product. All Notre Dame ever needs to do is WIN and they will become hot shit again. By taking out a second mortgage on their tradition, they’re saying they are losing it. It’s giving up and I hate seeing it more than I hate losing to them. We need our villains just as they need theirs.

Living in Los Angeles, it would make perfect sense to fuck with our jerseys every ten minutes understands that we have tradition and it is not to be fucked with. Only our coach gets to dress crazy and wear beanies and white out the opponent. We have one alternate jersey. It’s called our road jersey. You will either lose to a team with a cardinal jersey or a white one. We’ll be wearing gold pants and our same helmet either way. Learn it. Fear it.

Let’s look at our history, because hey, it’s real. Everyone needs to change it up now and then. When Mike Garrett was scoring TDs, it looked like this:

Eventually we wanted to switch it up and Marcus Allen and company looked like this:

Then we rocked that for a long time. See?

That’s Carson Palmer. Then they changed jerseys again and it blew everyone’s mind…

There’s him holding his Notre Dame prize in the “new” jersey that looked just like the old one. And we’re still wearing it today.

If we ever need a change, I am guessing we just go back to the other of our 2 jerseys and call it a Rose Bowl.

ND, even you guys should know better. Most schools would kill for a jersey people recognize. Now, most people will kill themselves when they see the jersey you are wearing against Miami.

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You may have missed the boat for the Hawaii game, but get your order in now to get it for the next home game. We’ll catch you on the flip and have a good weekend. I know I will. I’m the bearfighter.

Also, some peeps on Twitter have been pushing for me to get on some local radio shows to talk USC football. If you agree, tweet at John Ireland or Mason or Max Kellerman or Marcellus or Petros and Money. If you build it, they will come. I’ll get on the air and do my thing for you.

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