WASHINGTON—Activating a set of intense desires and personal drives that had until that moment remained dormant, the experience of seeing thousands of people marching in his honor during Friday’s inaugural parade reportedly unlocked a deeper, darker corner of President Donald Trump’s psyche than had previously been known to exist. According to reports, these heretofore uncharted recesses of Trump’s mind—containing thoughts and impulses completely unfathomed by the American public—were accessed for the first time by the sight of waves of uniformed citizens striding in formation combined with the knowledge that he was now the leader of them all. Sources confirmed that the newly triggered bundle of synapses sprang into action in response to the spectacle, causing an entirely unexplored facet of the recently sworn-in president’s personality to awaken and assert its influence over his behavior and ambitions. At press time, an even darker chamber of Trump’s innermost being had reportedly been stirred into action after he was saluted by hundreds of military personnel.

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