DALLAS–in a move that surprised most observers, President Obama today revealed that Jade Helm 15 actually was a plot to invade Texas and seize the guns of God-fearing Americans.

“I am pleased to report that US Special Forces, acting under my personal supervision, as well as that of the United Nations, today managed to overcome the Texas National Guard and occupy two-thirds of the state,” said Obama in a speech to journalists and supporters. “As a result, we are in a position to impose Obamacare, fluoride, and Common Core on the last few holdouts.”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R–TX), who had spotted the conspiracy early and attempted to resist, issued a statement congratulating President Obama and endorsing Hillary Clinton. Journalists noted that he seemed to be much taller, no longer in a wheelchair, and left-handed.

Obama noted that the Special Forces would maintain control of Texas until such time as the European Union was able to send its own troops to take possession of the state, having purchased it from the United States in exchange for its proprietary mind-reading technology.

Greg Abbott knew all along