By Anne Gagliano



Some of the greatest lines come from obscure places, like rock-‘n-roll songs. Pat Benatar coined one such memorable phrase in her song from which I borrowed the title for this column. In it she sings: “You play with desire like it was a toy, how much affection can you destroy? You wrap my heart around your little finger … sex, sex, sex as a weapon. Stop using sex as a weapon.”

How do married couples use sex as a weapon? What does that even mean? Is Pat Benatar just your typical disturbed rock star who has twisted views? No, as a matter of fact, Pat hit the nail right on the head. Professionals declare this to be the most prevalent way that sex is misused when it should, instead, be a means to create intimacy. Using sex as a weapon is the primary cause of sexual dysfunction within marriage, and both men and women are guilty of doing so. If not addressed, sexual dysfunction often leads to divorce.

How do women use sex as a weapon?

In one third of marriages, there is a “desire gap”–one person desires sex more than the other person does. Typically, men want sex more than women do. The one who wants sex the least is the one who is in control, and this is how women use sex as a weapon—to manipulate.

To manipulate means to coerce people into doing what you want by promising to give them something they want. For example, if you buy me this, I will reward you with sex. If you accomplish the items on my “Honey Do List,” you will be paid with sex. We all chuckle at this, and let’s face it, this is pretty common lingo within marriage and when good-natured, it is harmless. But this type of “bargaining” can become destructive to a relationship over time when sex starts to be viewed as currency. For the married couple, sex is synonymous with affection—something that should never be bought or sold for this simple reason: What happens when a husband cannot pay? This leads to the darker side of manipulation—punishment.

To punish someone sexually is to deny them—deliberately. The intention is to hurt, to wound, to retaliate for not getting what you want. It stems from pure selfishness and is a way to gain power. This is what people do with weapons—inflict damage, cause pain. I’ve heard it said that to deny a husband sex is like denying an asthmatic his inhaler—it’s tortuous—and women often know this and do it anyway. Women desire sex, but men need it. A husband has promised to be faithful to one woman; if she refuses to meet his sexual need and his vows keep him from seeking another, she is inflicting cruel and unusual punishment for services not rendered.

There are several ways to punish a husband sexually. The obvious way is to repeatedly just say “no.” A less obvious way is to so irritate and so nag that desire is dampened. When a wife stops treating her husband like a lover and starts treating him like a child or a handy man, the passion can fade. And yet another way is to make zero effort to be “sexy” (i.e., wear nothing but sweats). This, too, can be a type of sexual punishment when it is done deliberately. It may seem a bit shallow, but the simple truth is this: Men are visual creatures; they are attracted first and foremost by what they see. To ignore this is to lose touch and not care what your partner likes.

How do men use sex as a weapon?

Because men typically desire sex more than women do, their tactics are the opposite. They seek to be rewarded with sex, so they must find means with which to “buy” it. This, too, is manipulation—coercing someone into doing something you want them to do. Within marriage, it can look like this: I’ll take you to a nice dinner and let you pick the movie and say sweet things to you all day if you’ll give me sex. Again, we chuckle, as this is very common behavior in the marriage arena. Manipulation with reward is less insidious, but we’re again looking at turning sex into currency and buying and selling affection. What happens when a wife cannot pay?

When a woman’s reason for not wanting sex is biological, it is not deliberate and should never be viewed as such. Fatigue is the primary hindrance. A woman’s hormones fluctuate ten times more than a man’s, every day. This, combined with a long, hard day at work or caring for demanding children, can be quite exhausting. Hormone fluctuations can cause mood swings and irritability. They can cause headaches. And they can cause bloating, swelling, and other uncomfortable sensations that make a woman feel anything but sexy. A loving, devoted husband needs to be aware of these realities and not punish his wife for physical elements beyond her control by withholding tenderness or attention, which is her primary need.

When a woman’s reason for not wanting sex is emotional, this, too, is not deliberate and should never be viewed as such. Emotions physically get in the way of a woman’s sexual desire; she literally is aroused mentally first and will not enjoy sex if she’s not feeling intimate. A man’s arousal is physical and is possible with or without emotion (of course it’s better with). This is extremely important to remember, always. For a woman to want and enjoy sex, she must feel connected to her husband, and this is done through communication, so take the time to talk with her. Pressuring a wife to have sex when she isn’t consensual is just as damaging as a wife withholding sex to manipulate her husband.

And men, too, sometimes use sex as a weapon by threatening. Threatening to go elsewhere. Threatening to leave. Threatening to seek porn. Blaming her for his bad behavior.

Using sex as a weapon turns intimacy into warfare. In seeking “to win,” both men and women will lose. Trying to manipulate your partner will only drive the partner away. Sex is the greatest gift of marriage; it is meant to be enjoyed, cherished, featured, and respected. It is what makes marriage unique among all other relationships—best friends with benefits—for life!

I Corinthians 7:4-5 states it best, “A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is … do not deny each other.”

Seek to fill each other’s needs ahead of your own, and sex will cease to be a weapon. It will instead be what it was intended to be in the first place by the God who created marriage: a beautifully exclusive consummation of deepest affection.

Anne Gagliano has been married to Captain Mike Gagliano of the Seattle (WA) Fire Department for 29 years. She and her husband lecture together on building and maintaining a strong marriage.

