Donald Trump

Donald J. Trump's first year in office brought Americans far more excitement than they'd bargained for, according to these excerpts from the personal journal of columnist Mike Polk, Jr.

(AP/Seth Perlman)

1/20/17

Inauguration Day! Didn't personally vote for Trump but he is now our President and America must unify behind him for good of nation. Ceremony was captivating! Trump arrived at Capitol in customized golden chariot pulled by phalanx of scantily clad Vegas showgirls. Chief Justice Roberts visibly irritated when Pres. Trump declined Bible and chose to be sworn in on "The Art Of The Deal." Trump era officially underway!

2/13/17

President Trump tapped Ted Nugent for recently added cabinet post, "Secretary of Rock." Not totally clear on what position entails but televised Rose Garden ceremony featured some blistering guitar solos from The Nuge. Pretty good mix of covers and originals. Nothing from Damn Yankees period but overall good ceremony.

3/6/17

At risk of sounding old fashioned, I'm not crazy about President Trump converting historic National Mall area into a Dog Track Racino. In fairness, he says it's a "primo spot" that's "just sitting there empty" and he did promise agitated protesters it would have "loosest slots this side of the Potomac." So I guess there's that.

4/28/17

Wife still complaining about mandatory breast augmentation. I admit it's a bit drastic but can't argue when President Trump says it's necessary if America wants to regain title as "Most Babe-alicious Country in the world." No argument that we've fallen behind Colombia. Wife says it's her body and should be her choice. Reminded her, unhelpfully, that she does get to choose cup size. Anything between 32C and 34DD. President Trump says anything bigger than that is "fun but no longer elegant."

6/19/17

That was a close one! Looked as though government was going to shut down over Senate's refusal to accept President Trump's Supreme Court Nominee, Joe Pesci. Trump claimed lawyer character Pesci played in "My Cousin Vinny" was "just the sort of tough, street-smart dynamo the court needs." Crisis averted when confused Pesci removed self from consideration. Here's hoping there's less hullabaloo over replacement nominee Paula Abdul.

8/31/17

Want to go on record here as saying that I'm personally not in favor of President Trump's plan to relocate all U.S. citizens of Middle Eastern descent to large, secure compound in North Dakota where Minister of State Security Ted Cruz can "patrol and secure them before they radicalize." I'm no bleeding heart but seems a little heavy handed to me. Oh, well. I guess freedom isn't free.

10/4/17

Vice President Kate Upton giving nationally-televised address tonight regarding the country's ongoing oil crisis. Also promises to give American ladies "10 Tips For Long, Luscious Lashes." Must-See TV!

10/18/17

Well, it's official. President Trump has declared war on Mexico. It's a result of their stubborn refusal to finance a wall that would keep Mexicans out of our country. So I guess it's "go time." President Trump is reportedly holed up in Pentagon devising strategy with National Security Advisor Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Secretary of Defense Hulk Hogan. At this point, just gotta have faith in the system.

10/20/17

Yuh oh. North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un made inflammatory public statement today describing President Trump as a "paranoid, delusional, tiny-handed megalomaniac" who can't accept criticism. He offered safe haven for any U.S. citizens seeking asylum. Trump countered by tweeting that Kim is a "low-energy dictator" who "thinks he's tough guy just cause he's got a few nukes" that he "doesn't even have the cojones to use."

11/18/17

Busy day! National food supply has been growing tighter ever since all other countries refused to trade with the U.S. President Trump doesn't seem concerned. I waited in line at the local Casino/FEMA distribution center for six hours to receive our family's monthly rations. Not trying to be a whiner, but these government-issued "Trump Steaks" are pretty obviously raccoon meat.

12/4/17

Not exactly surprised that Kim Jong-un used his nukes, but who knew he had so many? Disappointing. Two other survivors and I left bomb shelter this morning to try and do some foraging but we had to turn back. Fallout dust still too thick. Try again tomorrow.

12/6/17

President Trump tweeting constantly from undisclosed location. Says firestorms purged America of all the "deadweight weaklings" so now it's just "the cream of the crop." My lone surviving Uncle agrees. Says he can't wait to vote for Trump again in 2020 because "he's not scared to tell it like it is."