Pope Benedict XVI has announced plans for all Roman Catholic clergy to be fitted with a special ‘panic button’ that will allow users to report suspected paedophiles.

In a pastoral tweet, the Pontiff revealed that the emergency button would be visible at the bottom right hand side of all cassocks, providing a direct link to CEOP, the Catholic Exploitation and Online Protection centre. He assured the faithful that the button would mean an end to cover-ups. ‘Every complaint registered with us will be thoroughly investigated,’ he promised, ‘by our newly-appointed Papal Noncio.’

The button, which will feature an image of a ‘Smiley Pope’, also gives users instant access to CSI Vatican, a crack team of cardinals who will visit the scene of any alleged crime and, using the very latest forensic techniques, miraculously find no evidence whatsoever.