SPOKANE, WA—Declaring his willingness to put the whole phase of his life behind him once and for all, 28-year-old man Neil Donovan confirmed Tuesday that he had finally found it in himself to forgive himself for a terrible mistake he made two seconds ago. “This has been an albatross around my neck for what sometimes seems like several seconds, but I think it’s time that I finally accept myself for what I’ve grown into and move on,” said Donovan, adding that he was looking forward to starting his life’s next chapter unencumbered by the relentless guilt and self-loathing that consumed every waking moment of his past two seconds. “Honestly, letting go lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. It took real soul searching, painful admissions about who I really was back then, and, ultimately, personal growth and maturation for me to realize that I can’t keep living in my immediate past. Eventually, I was granted a fresh perspective, and I came to accept that there will be a time, perhaps 10 seconds from now, when I won’t even remember that any of this happened.” Donovan also admitted he still does not understand how his wife could bear the emotional strain of living with grudges stemming from something he did over 14 seconds ago.

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