Calls for government to quarantine Queensland, just to keep them away from us

Pressure is growing on the Australian government to lock down Queensland in a Wuhan-style quarantine, not because there’s been an outbreak of the coronavirus, but just so the rest of us don’t have to interact with them anymore.

“We wouldn’t normally recommend such extreme measures,” said Australia’s Chief Medical Officer, “but Queensland is chock full of absolute wankers. I mean, just look at the Gold Coast. And Brisbane. Not to mention the whole of Central Queensland. And Far North Queensland, come to think of it. And don’t get me started on all the rich wankers in Port Douglas. We should have thought of this years ago.”

Experts pointed to Queensland’s pivotal role in electing Scott Morrison so that they could build a new coal mine there, even though 84% of them said they also wanted to “do more about climate change”, as proof that we should just give up on the whole state.

“The fact that Bob Katter is from Queensland is enough to justify this measure,” said one expert. “He should have been put on 24 hour lock down years ago.”

Former Prime Minister and Queenslander Kevin Rudd said he opposed the measure, which immediately led the Federal Labor caucus to endorse the measure.

Clive Palmer said he supported the measure as long as the supply of Mint Slice biscuits remained uninterrupted.

Queensland MP George Christensen said the lock-down wouldn’t affect him as he rarely visits Queensland, instead spending most of his time in the Philippines. He said his colleagues were ususually supportive of him spending time there at the moment for some reason, even though already been several outbreaks of the coronavirus there.

Meanwhile, Pauline Hanson has said she would support the measure, surprising some observers. “I can’t stand Queenslanders,” she said. “They’re such fucking idiots.”