“…an unwanted dose of déjà vu that thinks the use of some talented, up-and-coming actors will make up for the astoundingly-dreadful CGI…”

It’s hard to believe that the first Fantastic Four was released in 2005…10 years ago. Perhaps most of us even forgot there was a first one, having swept it under the rug as one of those “nothing specials” from Marvel. This group of super heroes just can’t seem to catch a break, and even though we thought it impossible, they are back and worse than ever. At least the 2005 film had Jessica Alba, and her character Sue Storm had more invisibility and less of some giant bubble reminiscent of The Rover from the 1960s television series The Prisoner…but I’m getting ahead of myself. In any reboot where the first film underwhelmed, you would think the only place to go is up. There was so much room for this film to improve upon that it’s difficult to believe they could fall flat on their faces…yet here we are, and they sure did. Fantastic Four (directed by Josh Trank, 2015) is an unwanted dose of déjà vu that thinks the use of some talented, up-and-coming actors will make up for the astoundingly-dreadful CGI and altogether lack of character cohesion. Don’t forget, this film also likes to go by its alias Fant4stic. Seriously? Can we just stop putting the numbers where the letters should be in titles? It’s about as imaginative and clever as the film itself, which fails to be either.

The only thing remotely feel-good about this film is the initial glimpse of Reed Richards (played by Miles Teller) at a young age, an extremely bright child who is intelligent beyond his years. As a misunderstood prodigy, he overcomes the teasing at school, his teacher’s dissuasions, and his seemingly-ignorant parents’ lack of interest to create something scientists in their adulthood have only dreamed possible. With the help of a fellow classmate-turned-friend Ben Grimm (played by Jamie Bell), Reed finally masters his teleportation device just in time for the science fair where his device catches the eye of Dr. Franklin Storm (played by Reg E. Cathey) and his daughter Sue Storm (played by Kate Mara). Dr. Storm invites Reed to come to his university to work on his device on a larger scale. With the help of Johnny Storm (played by Michael B. Jordan) and Victor Von Doom (played by Toby Kebbell), the team successfully ventures into another dimension to a place named Planet Zero…which coincidentally zero is exactly how interesting things become after they venture into this unknown world and acquire their strange powers.

The humor is predictable and cheesy to the point of being painfully so. There is no genuine concern from moviegoers for the safety of these characters. In fact, this film seems to lack any emotion at all. Even their friendships seem to be forced upon them for the convenience of the movie. Instead of showing genuine “did-we-just-become-best-friends?” moments, they just throw together some scenes with science and hard work, but mentally I had the song “You’re My Best Friend” by Queen playing as we were just to assume that working in close proximity to one another is enough to create close bonds. Their relationships are so jerky that it’s difficult to believe that these characters remotely like each other even at the end. Was this due to director Josh Trank’s poor treatment of his cast, which has been said to be “abusive and cold.”

Really, what it comes down to in Fantastic Four is the cast just didn’t mesh well, and it’s hard to blame them as they put up with an underwhelming villain showdown and ridiculous CGI usage. At one point, a chimpanzee is used to test out the transportation device, yet the painfully-obvious CGI used made me wonder if this “monkey” could, at any moment, throw on a top hat and tap shoes and do a Family Guy-esque dance number. Honestly, that might have made this film a little more bearable. After Miles Teller’s fantastic performance in the Oscar-award-winning film Whiplash and Kate Mara’s compelling role as Zoe Barnes in the Netflix original series House of Cards, it just goes to show that a poorly devised plot and listless character development can be simply too much to salvage. I don’t even think Jessica Alba herself could have done much better. How could they expect us to take her character seriously with her pushing around a giant, protective bubble instead of making the most of her ability to become invisible. If she were able to master that power, maybe Kate Mara herself could disappear from the movie altogether and pretend it never happened.

The film itself drags its feet, which if you are the least bit tired when viewing this film, count on falling asleep throughout most of it. I caught my eyes closing more than once, and when they opened, there wasn’t much to encourage them to remain open. However, at the same time, it manages to rush through the ending which Marvel is typically known for drawing out into climactic and nail-biting conclusions. If you draw any conclusions from this film review, it should be this: don’t bother seeing this one in theaters, and better yet, don’t bother seeing it at all. This one gets that coveted participation ribbon of 1/10. You may not get a laugh out of their cheesy attempts at Marvel humor, but you will certainly laugh at the ridiculously-bad CGI usage. Hell, if NASA can send a chimpanzee into space, why can’t Fantastic Four use a real, trained chimp actor?