War Damn Feeble

UNINFORMED SMACK ::

So... as you've probably noticed, my game prediction was less than stellar last week. If you use anything I say for gambling purposes you're a moron and people shouldn't trust you with their belongings. I'm not a football expert, I'm just a caveman. So we gave away a winnable game last week. What now? Is there hope? Yes. We have a new team, new system, new conference and a stellar crop of young talent lead by Johnny (insert swear word tirade here) Football. Oh, you know what else? We're playing Auburn this week. This is the team that lost to Arkansas. Transitive property of football aside, that's just deplorable. On that note, LET'S GET TO SOME UNINFORMED SMACK!

I took a slightly different route on my quest to become less uninformed this week and I sent it out to the twittersphere (I'm @thacktor) and will now base my commentary solely on the links that were provided to me by my knowledgeable followers. This first link comes from an Alabama fan site. Did you know that Auburn fans are in full-on meltdown mode? No? Well check this out. These comments are regarding a head coach who won them a National Championship two years ago. Granted, they had a professional quarterback on a 1-year loan, but still. The former head coach of Iowa State is getting lambasted by the same fans that wanted to erect a statue in his honor just two years ago. So this is what it sounds like when War Eagles cry.

Additionally, I had never seen these. I think they were once used to clean up after glorious Auburn victories, but now are used to soak up the tears of their languished loyals. I like that the "Chiz Rags" are chamois cloths. Like every male student at Auburn lets loose with enough DNA to merit the wonders of a ShamWow. That thing soaked up a 3-liter of soda. Unnecessary. Maybe they should sell "Gene Pools" that you can inflate, use and then dump in your favorite storm drain. Where's a little something for the ladies, y'all. They make 80% of household purchasing decisions, so let's market to the female Auburn fan. What about a "War Kegels" instructional pamphlet? Too graphic? Probably too graphic. I'd like to apologize to my family for that rant.

COMPLETELY ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Johnny Football has spent all week meditating on vengeance. Inspired by this, Damontre Moore has spent the last several days with Pei Mei learning the five-point palm exploding heart technique. This is not good for the reeling Auburn team. A&M comes out fired up as hell and flat lays the wood to the Auburn Tigeagles for four quarters. JFF is too fast, Mike Evans is too big and Swope's hair is too good to lose this game. Moore, Porter and Nealy live rent-free in the Auburn backfield, wreaking havoc on whatever QB Gene Chizik decides to feed them.

After the game, Chizik rips off his Auburn windbreaker to reveal that he's wearing an Iowa State Cyclones t-shirt, tells the crowd that Ames is in his heart, flips the ungrateful fans the bird and tells the media in a post-game interview that he personally handed Cam Newton a briefcase full of cash, cocaine and hookers after every game. It was a big briefcase, he's surprised they missed it. Kevin Sumlin just laughs because Kevin Sumlin has a hell of a sense of humor.

Ags 56 - Auburn 17