CATONSVILLE, MD-- The UMBC Administration, in response to student organization leaders’ complaints about lack of space to utilize on campus for student orgs, responded in a very curious way: by telling student org leaders to go fuck themselves.

“I’m flabbergasted” said senior Natasha Iconova, who serves as a principle actress in UMBC’s Musical Theatre Club. “The very fact that the UMBC administration even bothered to reply at all, and with such a shitty response, seems to make me question just what the fuck I’m even paying for.”

Iconova’s outrage to the Administration’s statement to student organizations is shared by many student leaders on campus. Many student orgs, particularly performance organizations, already felt shafted from the lack of space on campus after the Old Theatre Building closed last spring.

“It’s bullshit” said sophomore Hanes Ripley, a dancer and assistant choreographer for UMBC’s Major Definition. “Our dancers have no defined performance or rehearsal space. We basically have to find some open space on campus, like the Commons Mainstreet, or the lobby of the UC, or some random fucking classroom if we can steal it. Even then, being able to use that space is negligible, as sometimes we get complaints for interfering with other classes, student activities and what not.”

When asked about the administration’s response, Iconova simply shook her head. “MTC has been struggling to find space on campus for years. We had the Old Theatre building for awhile, but then they tore it down. Right now we have the Fine Arts Recital Hall, which is hilarious because that’s hardly a space considering how the rest of the building has been renovated because of cancer dust, and the hall is literally falling the fuck apart, and they’re shoving that down our throats like it's the Blood of Christ, basically saying ‘Hey! You have this for now, though it's going to be torn down for even more fucking classrooms in like less than 3 years. Enjoy it.”

Iconova continued by saying “The administration telling us to go fuck ourselves is, in some ways, a blessing. Cause now we know for once that they’re being honest with the student body.”

Below is a copy of the administration’s full response to student org leaders:

“Dear UMBC Student Leaders,

In light of recent complaints, letters, discussions, and demands for more space, we would like to formally state that, we, the Administration, hear your demands. We hear your concerns. We understand the dire need for spaces for student orgs. But allow yourself to consider where your tuition actually goes. Should it go to sponsoring some sub-par theatrical dance performance in a space that students barely know how to utilize? Should your money be used to fund events to promote your organization’s presence, even though what you do in that org won’t even matter once you graduate? Shouldn’t your money go towards something that you’re actually enrolled here for, say, a college education?

Being in college is a choice, not a requirement. No one has required you to form these organizations, or even go through the extra hassle of bothering to enrich yourselves outside of the incredibly dynamic atmosphere that you’ll find in a classroom, or even the incredible professional experience and connections gained from a low-paying campus job.

We work countless hours to continue to make this institution into the academic and research powerhouse that we strive for it to be, however, this important work cannot be done without the work of students, whose willingness to obtain a college education continues to fund our efforts and push our agendas. However, this does not mean that you have a say in the actual infrastructure of this university.

This is why we ask of you, student leaders of various campus organizations, to very kindly please go fuck yourselves. We hear your complaints, your demands, and your inquires, and are working very hard to ignore all of them.

We appreciate your hard work to contribute to the growth of this university and its culture.

In kind regards,

The UMBC Administration”

MBC News declined to ask for further comments. When MBC News reached out to the administration about the matter, the administration sent a small, nicely wrapped gift box to our editor’s desk that contained human excrement with a small note attached stating “enjoy this lovely snack on us.”





-- Anonymous