WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon’s prison bus off the road. “Looks like there’s been a change of plans,” said the attorney general, firing his sawed-off shotgun at Stone’s restraints in order to free him before spinning around and blasting a prison guard in the face at point-blank range. “You’ve got some friends in high places, Mr. Stone. I have some new passports for you and a change of clothes in the car. Don’t worry, if we can make it to D.C., we’ve got a nice, comfortable spot for you to wait it out until the heat is off, but we gotta move fast.” At press time, after an injured prison guard began struggling to his feet, Barr reportedly told him “Let Adam Schiff know what you saw here” before ramming him in the forehead with the butt of his shotgun.

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