3 August, 2016. 12:45

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THE LATEST VICTIMS IN THE great Australia media cull could be two of the nation’s most controversial television presenters, with the Nine Network’s replacing The Today Show with two retirees reading from the Daily Telegraph in bed.

After a string of inappropriate statements regarding transgender Australians, Muslim migrants and the wider QUILTBAG community, network executives have decided that it’d be cheaper replacing their hosts with Judy and Artie – a couple in their early 70s who are equally as ashamed of what the country they helped build has become.

“They’ll start at the front, read the first two or three pages. Then they’ll flip it over and keep going until they hit the rugby union,” said one producer.

“And becasue they’ll be in bed the whole time, we can get even more sponsorships and endorsements in. IKEA, Captain Snooze, Freedom, they’re all lining up down Willoughby Rd as we speak trying to partner with us,”

“As for the rest of them, we’ve got revenue share with Sky so we’ll pension Sonia off down there. Karl is a bit more difficult to throw under the bus. We’ll get him to do the Olympics, then we might have to send him off to 60 Minutes. [Charles] Wolley’s shoes doen’t polish themselves.”

However, the two producers who spoke to The Advocate this afternoon both said this move is one in the right direction.

A junior producer has said once Sonia Kruger leaves for Sky News, they’ll be allowed to start smoking again inside.

“That will be the day. Judy and Artie smoke in bed like true Australians. That is the pinacle of relaxation. Hopefully, I can produce the show from a hammock, where I can dream about the day this whole thing falls in a heap.” he said.