Once upon a time, there was a dorky congressman from Wisconsin named Paul Ryan. He enjoyed the simple things in life. The Green Bay Packers. Ayn Rand. P90X. And, I don't know, spreadsheets, I guess? Look, the point is this dude was a real dork. And this dork was the darling of the "intellectual right." As the party establishment lost control of their future to the insane and radical obstinance of the Tea Party, Ryan seemed like one of the establishment's best chances to have a real and "reasonable" (quotes very much needed) future. And then Donald Trump came and rubbed his greasy-from-constant-fast-food-intake hands all over the Republican Party and the country as a whole.

But Paul Ryan obviously stood up to him, because he's a thinking man's Republican. Hell, he reads Ayn Rand, so you know he's smart [tries and fails to stifle uproarious laughter]. Yeah, Paul Ryan didn't do that. No, he fell right in line and started carrying water for a man whom he once said he wouldn't be defending anymore after countless examples of racism and sexism. And this humiliation continues as Ryan has resurrected the failed and insanely unpopular Trumpcare bill, but in an effort to win over the human toilet water of the Republican Party Freedom Caucus, he actually made it worse! Namely, there is a provision in the plan that would allow states to opt out of protecting their citizens with pre-existing conditions, so long as they provide a "high-risk pool" for those citizens to join. Only problem? Those high-risk pools will make premiums go the way of a young George W. Bush and get way too high.

So this new bill will be a disaster if you've ever had a pre-existing condition. Wow. That's tough to sell. I wonder how they'll do it?

Oh, they'll lie. Classic Trump. I wonder how Paul Ryan will handle this, though. He has a little more dignity than—

Wow. I was wrong. I guess it does protect people with pre-existing conditions. I mean, it says "VERIFIED" in all-caps—you can't just throw that on any old tweet. Plus it has a link. I bet it takes us to an independent review that will reveal how on Earth this bill that lets states opt to get rid of pre-existing-condition protection somehow protects people with pre-existing conditions.

Oh, no. It just takes you to his own website. Don't worry, guys, Paul Ryan has verified that Paul Ryan's apparent lie about Trumpcare is definitely true.