The following is an open letter from the Islamic Republic of Iran to the United States Senate.

Dear Mr. Tom Cotton, et al,

We received your letter from March 5. Our English is not the best, but we believe we understand your main points. Thank you for your interest in joining the Revolutionary Guard. We know you appreciate the many exciting opportunities the Guard provides to fight the Zionist-Crusader alliance while awaiting the coming of the blessed Mahdi, while also earning you money for college.

Unfortunately the Guard is not for everyone. We have stringent requirements that must be met. Per Reference 3563-3 Paragraph 5.9 and Surah 8 of the Noble Quran, you must be between the ages of 17 and 35, bearded, a Shia Muslim, a resident of Iran, and possess a diploma from your local madrasa or equivalent GED certificate. Our understanding is that you are citizens from the Great Satan of America, which could create a possible conflict of interest and would prevent you from obtaining any relevant security clearances.

Even if it does not, we are currently engaged in high level negotiations with your government’s political leaders and are concerned that allowing American mercenaries to enlist could needlessly endanger what is already a tense and delicate situation. We are sorry that we cannot simply add you to our ranks. Should you still wish to help the Islamic Republic, we suggest you contact our affiliated recruiters at Hezbollah.

We appreciate your interest in the Islamic Republic of Iran, and have included several free t-shirts with this letter. We hope you enjoy them and wear them in good health.

Assalaamu Alaikum,

Javad Zarif, Minister of Foreign Affairs

Islamic Republic of Iran

Duffel Blog reporter G-Had contributed to this letter.