Joseph Dobbie is someone to feel really sorry for. He met a girl at a party, sent a dreadfully poetic 500-word email to her, she forwarded it to her sister and her sister forwarded it to some friends. Then her friends forwarded it to the world. By last Sunday his email was in my inbox and by Monday he was all over the papers - the latest victim of a technology which allows us to be highly entertained by emails featuring idiot stockbroker shag-braggers and wantonly cruel about people like Dobbie. One email even read: 'Let's see if we can get him in Metro [the free London newspaper] on Monday.' We did much better than that.

I can't exactly stand in judgment. I forwarded it on to a couple of friends, the subject field reading: 'I feel really bad about forwarding this ...' as though that makes it better. Actually it's worse: I was only number seven on the chain of emails, which came from my boyfriend, which came from his mate, which came from the sister's mate. Since a lot of my friends are journalists, I could conceivably be the reason it reached the media. I sort of feel bad, but even though I've seen his picture in the papers, it's as if he doesn't exist, which encapsulates the alarming beauty of the internet: when you've pinged that email off into cyberspace, you can easily delude yourself into thinking it's vanished into the ether, never to be read. This, of course, is a long way from the truth.

Joseph may not feel any better, but there but for the grace of God go most of us. I could probably be fired for some of the things that have emanated from my outbox. My productivity has been seriously compromised by hours spent wondering whether referencing Chekhov in an email to a potential pull will make me look erudite or geeky, and questioning whether, 'Yeah, party was fun. Felt well hungover today though. best, T', means, 'Let's engage in a meaningful relationship that will definitely result in children,' or, 'Was she the really drunk one who told the same story twice in 10 minutes?'

All of which poses the question of how to flirt, score, start a loving relationship in an email without scaring the recipient or, alternatively, coming across as so cold as to be almost pathologically uninterested in other human beings. I frequently find new and exciting ways to make a fool of myself, especially concerning boys, and preserving such moments in written form is one of my favourite ways to do so. This flirtatious email etiquette guide is based on my own sorry experiences, with help from some equally inept friends.

1 Never use capitals

Or if you must, use them sparingly. You are far too busy and important to worry about such piffling matters, you have hundreds of other more interesting people to send emails to, who are all a great deal more attractive than the recipient of this particular one. That you might have to go through your tirelessly constructed email that obviously took you the best part of a working day to write and remove any accidental capital letters is beside the point. Occasional spelling mistakes are also a good thing, the odd 'hte' or 'adn' emphasises that spellcheck is for losers with too much time on their hands. However ...

2 Your punctuation must be perfect

This is for two reasons: good punctuation makes any writing flow better, thus adding to the impression that you are clever, witty, glib and likely to be extremely good company over a bottle of wine à deux. Second, bad punctuation enrages some people and they will never go out with you if you email: 'they're is going to be a party next weekend if youd like to come', as they will think you're very stupid. And they'll be right.

3 Observe the two 'two' rules

Always wait two hours to reply to an email - you may be hyperventilating with joy that they've expressed interest in having a pint 'at some point', but waiting two hours will (hopefully) prevent you from writing something rash, such as, 'when? now?' And if you write them two emails in a row and don't get a reply, don't write again. Don't ever be tempted to write: 'We've had trouble with our servers today and so I just thought I'd send this again since you haven't replied to the last couple of times I sent it so I just thought I'd be sure just in case you didn't get them.' It makes you look mad.

4 Don't get overexcited by a large volume of emails

I enjoyed what I took to be the beginning of a promising e-romance on the basis that I'd exchanged approximately one email every 10 minutes with a lovely-looking man at work for about two weeks, only to be told at the end of our one and only evening in a bar that I had 'rather different expectations' than he did, especially since he had a girlfriend. I thought 'kindred spirit', he thought, 'I am bored by my job and she makes inaccurate references to Chekhov, how diverting.'

5 Do not send highly personal and/or explicit emails from work

Yes, it's all very enticing, the thrill of being caught etc but - take it from someone who knows - when you accidentally delete an important document and have to call IT to recover it, you don't want some stranger reading your 'I really want you right here right now' emails. Emailing about having sex where you shouldn't is illicit and fun. Having that nice, fatherly Barry who helps you retrieve files when you crash your PC know exactly what and where you next plan to 'do it' and what underwear you are planning to wear, is not.

6 Do not be fooled into thinking that a charming, hilarious and sweet email equals a charming, hilarious and sweet sender

Do not be fooled into, oh, I don't know, sleeping with someone on the first date on the basis that a couple of weeks of apparently deep and meaningful emails are equivalent to actually getting to know someone. You might not notice that they are, in fact, a bit of a git who clearly spent just as long as you did artfully creating a personality for himself that was about as far removed from reality as your own nebulous e-personality, hence your complete mismatch.

7 Don't nick an attractive stranger's email address from a group email

This is what Dobbie did and look where it got him. There is nothing scarier than an email that starts off, 'You don't know me but ...' As a one-time sender (note to self: when really pretty boys don't chat you up at a party, it's because they don't fancy you) and one-time recipient ('We were at university together but I never plucked up the courage to talk to you ... I was the one who dressed in army fatigues. Do you like war games?'), it's a lose-lose for all concerned.

8 Don't get annoyed by being made to wait for a response

The rule is that people you are trying to impress may be left for up to four days without an answer. This ensures the sender is left hanging on for a return email, unless of course they are equally cool. Being left hanging means one of two things: they're a bit of a player or they really like you and are scared of coming on too strong. Good luck at figuring that one out. If they answer, after a suitably long pause, 'fine. tuesday?' then they are a player. So you've got problems.

9 Don't be deliberately cruel

Don't dump someone over email. Don't forward heartfelt but unwanted declarations of love. Don't, as a friend of mine did, wait for someone to return from backpacking and create a fake email address to convince them they are going to have a Mexican lovechild. Karma is a wonderful thing and we are all just one accidental 'send to all' away from universal ridicule and a P45.

10 And, finally, don't send 500-word, Dobbie-style emails

Ever. And never include sentences like this, of Dobbie's: 'I know that it makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through' to people with mean sisters who might forward them to horrid journalists. Like me. Trust no one and good luck.

Original Message

From: Joseph Dobbie

Subject: Lady of the cake

Hello Kate, It's Joe - we met at Andrew's party ... It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern? OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop - keep it simple and positive, Joe ...

This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I listen to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologise for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see cliche ...