By Jack Edwards

Even indigenous tribes in the deepest, darkest, most remote tributaries of the Amazon basin have been alerted by the media that California is facing a severe drought. California Governor Jerry Brown is working on a solution. The reaction from citizens in the remaining 49 states has been swift. They keep asking the same question: “California elected Jerry Brown governor again? Who was he running against? Charles Manson?” But I digress. (We love you, Jerry!)

Gov. Brown has signed an executive order. It requires all Californians to limit their future showering to using coconut water. And to prepare for the inevitable day when California depletes its coconut water supply (tomorrow), he has ordered all Californians to report to the Navy Seal Training Base at Coronado, California to learn how to take those three-minute military grade showers, and in addition, to learn how to improvise using non-liquid showering methods, such as sand.

As a general rule, I don’t care about California. None of us do. Frankly, we enjoy watching them suffer because we are envious of their great weather and conveniently located In & Out Burger restaurants. However, I must remind myself of our column’s official motto – “Jocularious.com: A marginally amusing rant providing practical solutions to today’s real and imagined problems.”

All joking aside, Gov. Brown has released a plan, and it’s getting mixed reviews. A recent Los Angeles Times (real) headline read, “Gov. Brown’s drought plan goes easy on agriculture.” The sense I get from my one and only cursory reading of the fine piece of journalism is that many non-farm interests, including golf course owners, aren’t happy. The mere notion that California’s farm industry, which grows half of all fruits and vegetables in the United States, is as important as the golf industry drives golf people bonkers. Where else but on a thick swath of lush green grass will middle-aged California residents get their exercise by driving their carts half sloshed (the golfers not the carts) from their flasks of Wild Turkey, as they blaze their way toward the nineteenth hole?

Farmers, on the other hand, sensitive to the plight of their fellow Californians, are carefully managing their media image. Chris Scheuring, an attorney for the California Farm Bureau Federation, is quoted in the LA Times article. (Note: This is real person, his real title, and a real quote – go ahead and Google it). Apparently attempting to quell panic, he reassured Californians, “Folks are still going to [be able to] brush their teeth.” This is obvious pandering to the entertainment industry. Example:

Jimmy Kimmel to his guest Oprah Winfrey: “Oprah, why are you standing way over there? Come sit next to my desk.”

Oprah: “Uh…. Thanks, Jimmy. I’m good from here.”

To put an end to all this madness, here is my three-point plan to save California:

1. You know that fake submarine ride at Disneyland? The one they call “Submarine Voyage”? The one everybody’s so sick of? According to Wikipedia, that “lagoon” holds nine million gallons of water. Simple, we kill the ride and confiscate the water. As a bonus, we gain the appreciation of millions of Disneyland visitors.

2. We launch an ad campaign using California’s most popular natural resource: Sexy Hollywood actors. We use them to promote substituting micro-brewed beer for water. This is a double-whammy. One, we save water. Two, we ignite this important emerging industry.

3. According to Slate.com, ten percent of California’s water goes to growing almonds. Because I know you think I’m lying, here is an actual photo of an article headline off my iPhone-



Solution? We stop growing almonds and start growing cashews. If you’re tempted to disagree, go eat a roasted cashew right now. Uh-huh. Yes. They’re that good.

Now that I’ve solved California’s crisis, I’ve got to run. I’m visiting LA next week, and I’ve got to start packing my coconut water.

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