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For your security, we kindly ask that all passengers travelling during this holiday season pay careful attention to the following announcements.

Before entering certain departures terminals, you may be required to pass through metal detectors to determine whether you, a potential terrorist, are carrying weapons. Please line up in an orderly fashion so that actual terrorists can target you as easily as possible.

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Once inside the terminal, please print your boarding pass at one of the typically malfunctioning kiosks provided for your convenience, unless you have printed a counterfeit boarding pass at home, which you may have easily done with tools no more advanced than Photoshop and a printer. It is imperative that you keep your possibly fake boarding pass with you at all times.

Please now make your way to security. Here, officials may test your hands for traces of explosive material, as no terrorist mastermind would ever think to use latex gloves and alcohol-wipes when making bombs.