So you just turned to your female BFF, confessed an undying love for her, only to have her put her hand on your chest and say, “You’re too nice for me”/”You’re more like a brother to me”/”I just want us to be friends.” And as you perform your own emotional “walk of shame” on the ride home from clothes shopping with her, you keep wondering what’s wrong with you, if you’ll ever find love, and why don’t pretty girls like “nice guys”?

Time to stop sniveling, because I got good news for you.

I’m not gonna make like the Pickup Artist community and tell you the ways to exploit a woman’s self-esteem to get into her panties. (Those guys are about 30 seconds away from a date-rape conviction.) But having been a former “nice guy”, I have some advice to give (note I said former.)

Romance doesn’t happen the way it does in romantic comedies.

I learned not to trust what I saw on television or in a movie the day I sprained my ankle falling out of a tree because I actually thought I had a split second to change my mind after stepping off a branch with both feet (like they do in the cartoons.) The reason why people go to the movies is because they want to see something that rarely, if ever, occurs in real life. A woman turning to her best male friend and realizing that it’s him she’s been needing in a relationship all the time is about as rare as being swept up in a bank heist gone terribly wrong and coming out alive. Even those “inspired by a true story” spiels you see usually only have a grain of truth to them and that’s it. (“Yeah, the Alligator Man married the Bearded Lady in spite of their appearances, but they neglected to point out that she needed a green card and he was looking for a better tax return.”) That’s the allure of movies, they present you with a story that will never happen (or more to the point, never happen to you.)

Expecting a relationship to develop according to the same formula presented to you “by the same people who brought When Harry Met Sally” is like thinking that your mastery of Team Fortress 2 makes you a fully trained sniper. Movies are the presentation of an idealized fantasy (unless it’s trying to shoot for an Oscar, in which case things are a little too realistic.) Plus, movies have to make some kind of logical sense (otherwise the audience won’t buy it) – whereas people in real life, well, don’t. (Read the morning news if you need examples of this.) The chances of you running into someone who looks like Kate Hudson or Natalie Portman and will take you on a whirlwind adventure of self discovery are really fucking slim – as in, “winning the lottery after being struck by lightning” kinda slim. (Conversely, ladies, the chances that the Orlando Bloom/Patrick Dempsey stand-in will rise out of his self-tortured mire and see how much you “complete him” are equally slim.) So, in case I haven’t hammered this point home yet – movies and television are a poor guide for how to interact with people (even though it would be kinda cool if we had more justification to say kick-ass one-liners.)

The Great Thing About Rejection

Okay, let’s get this out of the way first: Yeah, being rejected sucks. And in the moment of rejection, sometimes it feels like you might as well carry a big neon sign that says “loser” (or better yet, wear it around your neck, Flava Flav-style.) And if rejection is the rusty blade that pierces your heart, the “let’s be friends” line is the bit that snaps off still in your chest. But here’s the great thing about being rejected: it gives you the opportunity to exercise some self-improvement by enforcing the boundary the other person has now set for you (telling someone you just want to be friends is effectively setting an emotional barrier).

The next time someone gives you the “friends speech”, take a deep breath and say the following:

“Thank you for being honest about your feelings toward me. I respect that you are not seeking the same kind of relationship that I was hoping to pursue with you. And while I am thankful that you want to still be friends with me, given my deeper feelings for you at the moment, I feel that continuing a friendship will only complicate things for both of us down the road. So, if you are honest in wanting to be friends with me, I want you to respect that I need to put some distance between us for the time being so I can do some self-evaluation until I am comfortable with the level of interaction you want from me.”

And then you follow through by not talking to that person for at least a week – and only when you’re ready to initiate contact with them. Here’s a pro-tip: if the person who just “friend-zoned” you calls you the next day after you said this and wants to hang out – they’re not your friend (real friends respect your boundaries). Being rejected is a great time to figure out what the hell it is you want in the first place. And distance gives you the chance for some perspective: did you like this person because you were genuinely interested in who/what they were, or because they were attractive? Did they ever make you feel bad for some of the things you liked (even if they didn’t mean to)? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who watches Bridezillas and takes pointers from it?

Here’s the thing, rejection is like a crazed hedgehog – the tighter you hold onto it, the more it’s gonna hurt. Yeah, so the pretty barista at Starbucks lied to you about having a boyfriend as a means to let you down easy – but after a week, maximum, let it go. Otherwise, what you’re doing is the equivalent of taking a relaxing swim in the septic tank you call your self esteem (more on that later, too.)

Another great thing about rejection is that it oftentimes says more about the person rejecting you that it does about yourself. Back to our barista situation, if she’s willing to lie to you about having a boyfriend, she’s probably also gonna lie about other important things too in order to spare your feelings (like frequently forgetting her medication for violent psychotic outbreaks.) Most of the reasons why someone is turning you down have nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person’s own taste. It’s like offering someone a slice of strawberry cheesecake and finding out that they have a serious strawberry allergy – you’re not a jerk for making the cheesecake anymore than that person is a jerk for going into anaphylactic shock when they eat strawberries.

Point being, the best thing to do when you’re rejected (after allowing yourself a small amount of time to process the hurt you feel) is to simply shrug and say “Well, their loss,” and move on. And if that sounds a little egoistic, it kinda is, but it’s better than thinking you’re the central character of a Russian classic novel who eventually meets a tragic end. Speaking of which…

Low Self-Esteem Gets Annoying After A While

Picture this scenario: You’re sitting on a bench in a park eating a sandwich. It’s a lovely day, the birds are singing, it’s not too hot, not too cold – it’s sandwich weather and you have nothing pressing on your mind. Suddenly, a friend approaches you, snatches the sandwich out of your mouth, tramples on it, then plops down on the seat next to you and proceeds to list off the many ways life sucks for them.

That’s what it feels like to be around someone with low self-esteem after a while.

Now, I don’t exactly have a steadfast self-image, but after working on it for the last few years, I can say that it’s better than it has been in decades. And one of the things I have discovered during this process of change is this: your self-deprecating attitude only seems “cute and humble” for the first few minutes, then people just want to give you a wedgie in order to validate it and shut you up. There is only so long you can try to help someone feel better about themselves before you realize that they’re more comfortable thinking they’re an oozing hemorrhoid on the asshole of humanity than a person worth giving a crap about.

If you look at yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning and think “Wow, I never realized how closely I resemble Sloth from The Goonies,” that is gonna rub off on those around you – even if it’s only subliminally. Whereas, if you carry an air of “life is cool” around you, it tends to make people more willing to interact with you. Or more simply put, people give a damn only about those who give a damn about themselves first.

And since we’re on the subject…

Giving a Damn About Yourself

One of problems with being the “nice guy” is that you spend so much energy trying to be the ideal person for the object of your misguided affection that you forget to leave any energy for yourself. (Let’s be honest, would you really be that interested in watching an entire season of Gray’s Anatomy if it didn’t give you the opportunity to snuggle on the couch with the girl you’re crushing on?) One of the things people find attractive in others are their interests, and if you have spent the last year immersing yourself in someone else’s hobbies and preferences, it starts looking less interesting and more stalkerriffic. What is it that you like to do? Chances are it has nothing to do with watching romantic comedies and shopping for towels. There are loads of topics out there, which one gets you firing on all cylinders?

Now, it’s been my experience that people tend to find subjects that have tangible results more appealing than intangible ones. A collection of comic book art you’ve drawn is far more interesting than your bookshelf of graphic novels. More people would be interested in hearing about the book you’re writing than the Harry Potter slash fiction epic you’ve contributed to. It’s far more exciting to see a video game you’ve designed than the level 80 paladin you have for World of Warcraft. If you can’t figure out what gets your creative juices flowing, try several things out and see what sticks. There are classes, free demos, and articles on the internet regarding a myriad of extracurricular activities. Now is the time to pick up that guitar, or learn Japanese, or how to make curry. (Who knows? You may end up meeting someone who shares your interests.)

The next step in giving a damn about yourself is by presenting the best version of yourself you can muster. This means doing little things that show that you feel good enough about yourself to trim away the excess (both literally and figuratively). It means daily grooming habits – like showering more than once a week. You’d be surprised how positively people respond when you comb your hair and brush your teeth regularly. It also means fine-tuning your wardrobe: you tend to get a better response when your clothes look good on you than you do by wearing that shirt you got 10 years ago at ComiCon with all the holes in it. Also, it means getting off your ass.

Wait, Exercise? Why Can’t People Love Me For Me?

As much as it sucks (and as much as people try to deny this fact), we are a very superficial species. We place far more weight on a person’s physical appearance than we care to admit. A lot of this harkens back to our lizard-brained caveman days where things we found attractive were considered less likely to kill you. But let’s face it: looks count.

Now, while it would be great to have the roguish, panty melting grin of George Clooney (or the steely, coquettish gaze of Olivia Wilde), chances are you are about as average-looking as everyone else. The good news is that you don’t have to have six-pack abs and a wardrobe provided by Armani in order to look your best. But part of looking your best does mean getting your heart rate up. There is an incredible contrast between someone who does aerobic exercise at least 3 hours a week and someone who’s primary form of exercise is getting more Mountain Dew out of the fridge – and it carries off in your body language. If weights and treadmills aren’t your thing, there are loads of geektastic activities out there that don’t involve a gym membership or sporting goods: like martial arts, fencing, and Parkour (freejumpers are geeks that move like they’re in a Super Mario Bros. level.) Do something that gets you off of your ass for at least an hour, twice a week, trust me.

This is also a good time to re-evaluate your wardrobe. Specifically, it’s time to look at the things you wear that don’t give people the best representation of yourself. That ComiCon shirt with the holes in it may be comfy – but let’s face it: the more your clothes look like they’re easily cast-off, the more people will think you’re easy to dismiss. Again, it’s not about looking like a fashion plate – but unless you won the genetic lottery, your “distressed” clothing is going to make you look less like someone who’s young, edgy, or cool and more like a homeless Zach Galifianakis. You should have at least one outfit that makes you feel good about yourself when you wear it – and if you don’t, you need to get it fast. If you don’t have any idea of what looks good on you, look at the kind of clothes you like to see on other people (like your friends and coworkers) and go from there. This is not about finding the best kind of plumage to draw a mate, but finding an outer shell that feels comfortable, flatters the aspects of your body that you like, and shows people the best physical representation of yourself that you can muster. Who do you think people want to talk to? The guy in the well cut jeans and nice-fitting t-shirt (even if it has Spiderman on it), or the man-child in sweatpants and month-old Cheeto stains on his threadbare Star Trek uniform top?

Your body is a temple: it should be well taken care of in order to receive the adulation of the masses, otherwise people will just look at it and make wild speculations as to what its purpose is (like Stonehenge.)

The main reason why I place a lot of emphasis on you giving a damn about yourself is because…

No one owes you shit.

Giving a damn about yourself isn’t a means to an end. It’s not about finding a magic system that will fool other people into liking you. Faking that you’re a decent person may work in the short term, but if you drop it once you find someone – that person is going to wonder what the hell they’re doing in a relationship with you after a while. You have to be able to like yourself in spite of being single – the most stable relationships I’ve seen and been in have been more about people who complement each other instead of completing each other. This is about making yourself a whole human being – which is a long and arduous process – instead of finding someone who can putty in all of your gaps for you.

Let’s not mince words here: there are going to be times when it seems like the world is going out of its way to shit on your chest. One day you’re walking down the street in your finest, feeling good about what you saw in the mirror and then a truckload of rednecks decides to pelt you with beer bottles. You can’t let it get you down. This isn’t about seducing the barista at Starbucks, or the class valedictorian, or George Clooney – this is about being the best version of yourself you can provide even when the bastards try to grind you down. This is about taking care of yourself because you are a person who is worth taking care of.

Also: being nice isn’t a means to an end. That’s the one thing I hate about all of the “no one likes a ‘nice guy'” rants I keep hearing online. Being a decent human being isn’t a fucking Konami code for nookie: if that were true, the Dalai Lama would be a sex symbol. You should be a “nice guy” because you like doing nice things for people. Yeah, there are people out there who see “nice” as a synonym for “sucker” – but like those who confuse “sexual orifice” with “light socket”, they tend to be in the minority. (They also give a sweet fuck-all about your need for space, too.) Being nice also doesn’t mean being a doormat either – the “I wanna do what you wanna do” line kinda sounds like you have no personality (most assholes at least have that). You need to be able to freely express what you like and don’t like – and if the other person suddenly likes you less for it: Drop them and move on – the person you want to spend your life with will love you for the things you like, not in spite of them.

The frustrating thing is that it sometimes seems “cool” to be moody and brooding – but at the same time, people can’t stand those who actually exhibit those traits. Furthermore, it’s becoming increasingly popular to mock those who haven’t been blessed with the kind of supportive environment that engenders a healthy self-esteem. But, to co-opt a motto by Dan Savage: it does get better. Any salesman worth his salt will tell you that each “no” gets you just that closer to getting a “yes”. If during your “no times” you are mastering your Indian cooking skills, running a 10k without throwing up, writing that novel you’ve been meaning to finish, and liking what you see in your mirror more and more – where’s the down side?