In the August issue of Cleo covered by Amanda Seyfried, columnist, regulation hottie and Prime Ministerial scion Jessica Rudd laments the current state of Australia’s political landscape through likening Parliament – with its Midwinter Ball, “a canteen, a gym, a bell” and bitchy asides delivered by means of both eye roll and Twitter – to high school.

“It’s like Mean Girls” says Rudd, gesturing toward Tina Fey’s indisputably definitive film of a generation. It’s a vital metaphor that Rudd fails to fully capitalise on before proceeding to outline the increasing cynicism, conformity and pessimism pervading the corridors of power in this most important of years – an election year.

As you may very well already know, every three years the government throw this ballot for the underclassmen called the Federal Election, and whosoever is elected leader of the winning party is appointed Prime Minister and automatically becomes head of the Commonwealth of Australia. Since I am an active member of the Commonwealth of Australia, I would safely say I care about helping you make an informed decision about who to vote for at a later date this year.

I also care very much – too much – about Mean Girls, and thus would like to further elaborate on Jessica Rudd’s inadequate likening of Red Hill to North Shore High, ultimately with the aim of further elevating the level of political discourse in this country.

So here. This is gonna be Your Guide To The Gonski Grotsky Byotches of Australian Federal Politics. Now, who you vote for is crucial because you’ve got everybody there. You got your sophomore Labor government, Liberal Party guys, Green preps, Australian Sports Party jocks, Family First nerds, Cool Bullet Train for Australia parties, Australian Shooters and Fishers Party jocks, unfriendly Wikileaks hotties, Socialists who eat their feelings, Socialists who don’t eat anything, Christian Democrat wannabes, Bank Reformers, sexually active Sex Parties – some of the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst.

Beware of The Politicians; and get in loser, we’re going voting sooner or later.

CADY HERON

Julia Gillard is, or more accurately was, indisputably the Cady Heron of Australian politics. She had the hair colour relatively down pat; underwent a much-scrutinised makeover, sans army pants and flip flops; experienced a fairly rapid rise in popularity and achieved some fetch things, but was always perceived as pushing those who stood in her way under the figurative bus.

Like Cady, Julia didn’t appear to quite know what everyone was saying about her behind her back. They said she was a Faceless Men-controlled mouthpiece, a less crash-hot version of her predecessor who was always criticised for always trying to act so innocent. Half the people in the country were mad at her, and the other half only liked her because they thought she pushed Kevin Rudd under a bus, so that’s not good.

GRETCHEN WEINERS

That little one, that’s Malcolm Turnbull. He’s totally rich because he invented The Internet. He knows everybody’s business, he knows everything about everyone; that’s why his leather jacket is so big – it’s full of secrets [also, money]. If only you knew how mean Tony Abbott really is to Malcolm.

You know that he’s not allowed to lead the Liberal Party, right? Four years ago Tony told Malcolm leading the Party was *his* thing and he wasn’t allowed to lead them anymore. And then on Q&A everyone told Malcolm he should just reclaim the Liberal Party leadership, and he had to pretend like he didn’t even want to and… it was so sad.

And you know Tony skips out on Q&A and National Press Club debates? Yes, every Monday you think he’s doing election prep but really he’s practicing saying ‘Stop the boats!’ with Julie Bishop in the projection room above the ABC Ultimo auditorium.

Malcolm never told anybody that because he is *such* a good Shadow Minister for Communications and Broadband.

KAREN SMITH

That one there, that’s Julie Bishop. She’s one of the few female deputy opposition leaders you will ever meet in the lead-up to this election.

Malcolm sat next to her in the House of Reps last year. She asked him how to spell ‘misogyny’.

REGINA GEORGE

How do I begin to explain Tony Abbott? Don’t be fooled because he may seem like your typical right-wing, pro-life mad-monk – in reality he’s so much more than that. He’s the Opposition Leader – the star, those other two are just his little workers. His face probably smells like peppermint and I hear he does terrible commercials Australia-wide.

JANIS IAN

Let me tell you something about Kevin Rudd. We were all best friends in ’07. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in 2010, we started going out with our first female prime minister Julia who was totally gorgeous, but then she moved to The Lodge, and Kevin was like, weirdly jealous of her. Like, if his party would blow him off to be lead by Julia, he’d be like, “I’m a happy little Vegemite being Prime Minister of Australia.” And she’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?”

So then, for the March caucus, which was an all-in spill, Julia was like, “Kevin, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re going to topple me.” I mean she couldn’t have a coup in her party. There were gonna be politicians there in their *blue ties*. I mean, right? He was a politician.

So then Simon Crean called Julia and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then Kevin dropped out of the race because no one would talk to him, and when he came back in the Fall to win another spill, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he’s on track.

MS. NORBURY

This is a tough one, but when pushed for an intermediary figure who also bears a tenuous physical resemblance to Tina Fey, I had to settle on Annabel Crabb because she’s also a pusher. She pushes people for answers, on foreign and domestic policy, but mostly on how to push the pulp and deseed pomegranates on Kitchen Cabinet.

MRS. GEORGE

Peter Garrett’s not a regular [outgoing] politician, he’s a cool politician. A natural performer like Amy Poehler’s iconic matriarch of the George manse, Garrett can and will move those jazz hands to disarming, great effect. Happy Hour’s from four till six!

KEVIN GNAPOOR







SUPPORTING CAST





MR. DUVALL

If I had to pick someone, I’d go with the new-ish speaker Anna Burke. A figurative baseball bat-wielding mediator standing at the centre of a political maelstrom, trying to keep the peace; someone who did not leave the South Side for this.





THE MATHLETES

The Greens, unquestionably. Which means Christine Milne is the snaggle-toothed, lip-glossed Caroline Kraft.

THE JUNIOR PLASTICS

The Young Liberal and Labor members of this country in dire need of an attitude makeover, and better sense than to keep getting loose of moral and liquor at ‘private functions’.



SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE

Pauline Hanson.

GLEN COCO

Clover Moore, but only because there’s a little bit of assonant resonance between the two names, and Moore is just as irrelevant to federal politics as Glen Coco is to the central plot of Mean Girls. Try it for yourself at home: “You Go Glen CloMo!”

And none for Sophie Mirabella. Bye!

Do you have any suggestions for who might fill the roles of Aaron Samuels [an affable jock whose hair looks sexy pushed back], Coach Carr [A #fitspirational type with a penchant for underage students] Trang Pak or any other minor roles? Hit the comments section with your casting decisions and your favourite #auspol repurposed quotes – the limit [to your imagination] does not exist!

Photos: Stefan Postle and Leigh Turner via Getty