As a mother and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Cathy Dunford will never forget November 2015. Her son Jacob had recently returned from a mission for the Mormon church when she found him in her room, sobbing.

Jacob had just heard about a new church policy classifying people in same-sex marriages as “apostates”, subject to excommunication. It also barred the children of such marriages from blessings or baptism.

“Mom, why do they hate me so much?” Jacob asked. “Why am I an apostate?”

After that, Dunford never put on her church garments again. And she was not alone. After the church’s policy shift, Latter-day Saints gathered in Salt Lake City to protest. Some resigned from the church as others grappled with trauma.

Three and half years later, the community was just as stunned to hear that the policy had been reversed.

On 4 April, the church authority Dallin Oaks announced that children of parents who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender may now be blessed and baptized. And the church will no longer characterize same-gender marriage as “apostasy”, although it is still considered “a serious transgression”. The church wants “to reduce the hate and contention so common today”, Oaks said.

Jacob Dunford with his parents, Cathy and Mitch, in church dress in December 2015. Photograph: Courtesy Cathy Dunford

“I was close to tears. I couldn’t believe it,” said Erika Munson, the co-founder of Mormons Building Bridges, an organization supporting LGBTQ people in the community. “I felt so much gratitude for every Latter-day Saint who raised their concern about the policy. They made the pain incredibly visible at a time when the church is not growing as much as it used to, when there’s real concern about retention and about millennials leaving,” she said. “I don’t see how church leaders could have ignored that.”

But Munson was still surprised that the LDS church would reverse course so abruptly, as an institution that has historically taken many years to change decisions.

“It gives me hope. This is the fastest turnaround I can remember the church has ever done on anything,” Munson said. “It doesn’t stop the damage that’s been done, but it does stop further damage.” She characterized the last few years as a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and she expects that to continue. “On days like this, I like to savor the idea that maybe somebody out there is having a better day because of this, feeling less alone, and more part of the Latter-day Saint fold because of this.”

But for some LGBTQ Mormons, there was a big omission in the church statement.

“Sadly, this change did not come with a recognition of fault by the institutional church or its leaders,” said Kendall Wilcox, also a co-founder of Mormons Building Bridges and an openly gay Latter-day Saint. “No apology. That would have gone a long way in healing hearts and soothing souls. Just a simple statement that they were wrong.”

“Trauma is a slow burn,” said Kathy Carlston, who has housed many homeless LGBTQ people in her apartment with her wife, Berta Marquez. In 2015, Carlston and Marquez were fearful about the impact of the policy on the young people they served. They prayed that church leaders present and past would keep the youth in their community safe. Then last year, Marquez took her own life.

“I don’t think the full reason [for her suicide] was that she didn’t feel welcome at church, but it was a factor.” Carlston said her wife was suffering from withdrawal from anti-anxiety medication. “At a time when she was in crisis, she was in pain, she was unable to go to her church family for refuge.”

Berta Marquez and Kathy Carlston at their wedding. Photograph: Courtesy of Kathy Carlston

Carlston said her wife would have viewed this policy change as a major win. “I am filled with a lot of gratitude, just grateful that future generations will not have to suffer in the way that our generation suffered,” but she still wants an apology from the church’s highest authority, the president Russell Nelson, who is also a retired heart surgeon.

“If I ever had the chance to sit down with President Nelson, I would remind him that as a physician, he made an oath to do no harm, and when harm is done there needs to be reparations,” Carlston said. “Repentance is a foundational principle of the church. It’s a gift from God. The church needs to utilize its own teachings to make it a safe place for all its members.”

Meanwhile, the work continues at a resource center for LGBTQ+ young people and their families in Utah called Encircle. Founder Stephenie Sorensen Larsen started working on the plans for the center just a couple of months after November 2015.

“It’s important to remember that these youth and the LGBTQ community often see themselves as sinners and second-class citizens in a religion and in communities that they love,” Larsen said. “Most of the youth that come to Encircle still believe deeply in the faith that they were raised in. When you believe that God doesn’t love you as you are, they’re left in this place where they have so much self-hatred. It’s sad to see these young people feel so much shame for who they are.”

Larsen says the policy change is a good step, but she knows her work is not done. “For the church, it’s a flip of a switch and this is over. For the LGBTQ community, they’ll deal with this for a lifetime. I wish it fixed everything,” Larsen said, “… but the same kids will be here next week.”