POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT

Cincinnati Bengals (5-4) vs Baltimore Ravens (4-5)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Quoth the Ravens “convert the fourth”.

I love Carlos Dunlap, but his quote following the most recent Bengals loss has me at, well, a fucking loss. “This was a great step in the right direction, we just didn’t get the result that we want.” Uh, excuse me? Just because you broke your streak of three consecutive 500+ yard games allowed, doesn’t mean that giving up 403 yards (265 on the ground) is trending in the right goddamn direction.

The Bengals defense continues to break down in coverage, miss tackles and underperform overall despite the insertion of their new defensive coordinator Larvin Mewis. If you think that’s a step in the right direction, I suggest you turn your ass around and go the other fucking way.

Everyone knew that Lamar Jackson was going to be running the ball, how hard could it be to game plan for that shit? It’s not like the Ravens were even trying to hide what they were doing, they just lined up and stuffed their throbbing bird cocks up our noses. Birds have cocks, right? I’m not going to Google that on my work laptop.

The same fucking problems continue to bubble up for the defense and there’s no relief in sight, like allowing teams to score at the end of the first half. The Bengals have allowed opponents to score within the 2 minute warning in 9 of their 10 games this season, 14 scores altogether, which is 4 more than any other team in the league.

Bend, don’t break? More like bend over and break it off.

The defensive line doesn’t generate consistent pressure, the secondary breaks down in coverage and the line-backing corps might be the worst I’ve seen. Preston Brown was put on IR today, Vigil is still working his way back from an injury, Nickerson and Evans cover like Alabama against The Citadel and Vontaze Burfict tackles about as well as a brass spittoon. How bad does Malik Jefferson have to be to not get snaps on defense?

Christberry sauce covered turkey.

Marvin said in his presser yesterday, on the subject of getting Auden Tate more snaps, that you can’t rely on practice squad guys to win games. I present to you Gus Edwards – 115 yards and 1 TD on 17 carries – undrafted rookie called up from the Ravens’ fucking practice squad.

Marvin attributed Tate’s lack of snaps to running short on the one route he ran on Sunday; a ball that he caught and appeared to convert the first down, but the Bengals didn’t bother to challenge.

Here’s the rest of Marvin’s Karen’s Yelp review of his rookie wide receiver: “He will get there when he gets his opportunity, when the time comes. His involvement in the offense is what it is. He’s a guy that’s been on the practice squad for a reason, OK? He’s been a free agent for all 32 (teams) to take a look at. You see what I’m saying? It is what it is. Not many times you’re going to take a guy off the practice squad and go win an NFL game with him.” Two and a half stars.

Hey Marvin, eat shit. What the fuck is up with you burying the confidence of your rookies? He did the same shit last year with John Ross. That’s some kind of leadership, coach. Why don’t you put that on your bullshit training camp t-shirt for next year? We all know you’ll still be here.

Oh, by the way, the final offensive play of the game was going to go to Tate before they called a timeout and subbed Cody Core in for him. You know how that turned out.

Fat Randy, I’m not even going to roast your hams, you gravy-fueled garbage truck.

After a promising 4-1 start, the Bengals have gone 1-4 and find themselves in the company of AFC powerhouses like the Dolphins, Titans and Colts. They really had the opportunity yesterday to put a little distance between themselves and the rest of the pack vying for that final playoff spot, but in typical Bengal fashion, the shriveled up in the big moment.

Do they make a pill for that?

Happy fucking Thanksgiving.

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season.

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