This afternoon, I took time away from my work reviewing video games to go to see an afternoon showing of Transformers: Dark of the Moon. This happened at 1:30PM on a Wednesday. The theater was packed, and I had to sit way in the front, and the bright, 3D picture took up my entire field of view. I took notes during the show, because at times it was hard to believe what I was seeing.

Dark of the Moon isn't just a bad movie, although it is certainly a very bad movie; it's also a profoundly weird movie. There will likely be spoilers in this review, but I'm not sure how to address the film without talking about a few scenes.

I have two words for you: Deep. Wang.

In this film, Sam Witwicky is upset because he can't find a job, and he saved the world twice, damnit. He's having a hard time adjusting to life living in a huge house with a beautiful girlfriend who is dropped into the film without much explanation. The last girl dumped him, you see, and when President Obama gave him a medal he met the new girl. During the course of the movie she'll decide to leave her government job to go to work for a businessman who says he works in accounting, but seems to live in an automotive museum. Don't worry, none of this really matters to the story.

The new love interest is played by Rosie Huntington-Whitely, who performs well enough for someone who might literally have been picked out of a Victoria's Secret catalog. The first shot of her in the film doesn't involve pants, and in every subsequent shot of her Michael Bay seems to use his camera like a tongue. She stands around, looking slim and beautiful among the action scenes, and that's the extent of her character. At one point the camera just stares at her during a scene while things explode behind her, and she looks at nothing with her big, dewy eyes.

Eventually, our hero gets a job working at another company run by an orange, insane John Malkovich. He is obsessed with color, and shows Witwicky an image of himself in some form of Karate get-up. Don't worry, these scenes don't really impact the story either. Later, Mr. Malkovich meets Bumblebee and begins to try to box him, causing Bumblebee to knock him on his back and, I swear to Gygax, he begins to tickle the little man with his rocketlauncher. Malkovich then gets up, thanks everyone for the experience, and I believe he is never seen in the film again.

Also, Ken Jeong plays an awkward little man who works in the same office, and he corners Witwicky in a men's bathroom to show him documents he has obtained about the new Decepticon plan. "I'm Deep Wang," he says, as he removes the documents from his underwear before rubbing them in Witwicky's face. "Deep Wang. Like Deep Throat? Deep Wang." This scene goes on for a long time, with the repetition of the words "Deep Wang." Of course the boss walks in, and it's a hilarious misunderstanding.

Later, Deep Wang fights a mechanical bird. Who was transformed as his computer. Which doesn't make sense, because wasn't he transformed into a bird already? Later this same creature will become pink to befriend a child before murdering her parents. This is when the children in the audience began to cry. Let's just imagine this scenario growing up: you're a little girl, and a cute pink robot wants to have a tea party with you. When your mother comes outside to make sure everything is okay, your new friend turns into a flying, shrieking monstrosity and kills her and your father in front of you.

There were many scenes in the film where I began to believe I was losing my mind. During one scene, an Autobot is watching an old Star Trek episode, and complains that he's already seen the one where Spock goes crazy. Later in the film I learned that Leonard Nimoy voices one of the Transformers, and then he goes crazy. And then he quotes Spock.

There is an old Transformer who creates weapons for the human characters. He is named "Q" and speaks with a British accent. Because why the hell not?

There are entire subplots that could have easily been removed from the movie, and at this point in the review I need to point out that this insanity goes on for around two and a half hours. It feels like much longer, especially when Witwicky's parents are on screen doing nothing. Or Patrick Dempsey is on screen talking about all the calls his accounting firm has purchased. Or when someone explains something for the third time just in case you missed what's going on.

The action scenes look huge, but I'll be damned if I can remember any of them even a few hours later. I know that Shockwave is one of the bad guys, and he either transforms into or drives a giant, mechanical snake-type thing. Their relationship is never really spelled out.

Near the end of the film an enemy space ship crashes, and we see that a Decepticon is flying it, leading to even more questions, such as: why didn't that Decepticon just turn into a flying machine? Was he riding inside another Decepticon who was then killed? Was that giant war machine really a living Transformer?

The plot may not make any coherent sense, but based on the box office receipts of the past two movies, it doesn't have to. Parts of the film were boring, others were nearly overwhelming, and the rest was so relentlessly strange that it felt like modern art. I don't suggest you see it, but if you must, just remember... Deep Wang.