Club songs are a peculiarity of Australian Rules Football. With their stirring melodies, bold assertions, and atonal reproductions in the locker room, they are known and loved across the land. They are ingrained in us from birth, so much so that we may not realise exactly what they are claiming. For that reason, ThermoCow has ranked all 17* club songs in order of their ambition and the extravagance of their claims.

* the Fremantle Dockers club song was disqualified for being fundamentally rubbish.

17. St Kilda

The St Kilda football club aims only to accompany the St Kilda football club. They literally could not fail to achieve this if they tried.

(Show Lyrics)

Oh when the Saints go marching in,

Oh when the Saints go marching it,

Oh how I want to be with St Kilda,

When the Saints go marching in!



16. Melbourne

The Demons’ main concerns are the colour, height and general grandness of their flag. No aspiration is evident whatsoever.

(Show Lyrics)

It's a grand old flag

It's a high flying flag

It's the emblem for me and for you

It's the emblem of the team we love

The team of the red and the blue

Every heart beats true

For the red and the blue

And we sing this song to you

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

Keep your eye on the red and the blue



15. Carlton

Their primary ambitions are to be the only team in Carlton, and for their opposition to know that they are playing against Carlton. With the AFL’s current expansion strategy and the thorough mid-week preparation of modern football clubs, these do not seem overly ambitious goals.

(Show Lyrics)

We are the Navy Blues

We are the Old Dark Navy Blues

We're the team that never lets you down

We're the only team old Carlton knows

With all the champions

They like to send us

We'll keep our end up

And they will know that they've been playing

Against the famous Old Dark Blues



14. GWS Giants

The Giants aim only to be physically larger than their opposition. With an appropriate recruitment policy, this seems entirely achievable.

(Show Lyrics)

Well there's a big, big sound

From the West of the town

It's the sound of the mighty GIANTS Well there's aFrom the West of the townIt's the sound of the mighty GIANTS You feel the ground A-SHAKING

The other teams are quaking

In their boots before the GIANTS We take the longest strides

And the highest leap

We're stronger than the rest We're the Greater Western Sydney GIANTS

We're the biggest and the best And we will never surrender

We'll fight until the end

We're greater than the rest



13. Brisbane Lions

Brisbane’s bold claim that they will ‘kick the winning score’ is cancelled out by their incompatible desire to be similar to Fitzroy and the Bears.

(Show Lyrics)

We are the pride of Brisbane town

We wear maroon, blue and gold

We will always fight for victory

Like Fitzroy and Bears of old

All for one, and one for all

We will answer to the call

Go Lions, Brisbane Lions

We'll kick the winning score

You'll hear our mighty roar!



12. Hawthorn

Happiness is the primary concern for the boys from Glenferrie. Other than that, their claims are quite modest, extending only so far as to take the field with the intention of winning.

(Show Lyrics)

We're a happy team at Hawthorn

We're the Mighty Fighting Hawks.

We love our Club, and we play to win,

Riding the bumps with a grin (at Hawthorn).

Come what may, you'll find us striving

Team work is the thing that talks,

One for all and all for one

Is the way we play at Hawthorn.

We are the Mighty Fighting Hawks.



11. Gold Coast Suns

The Suns want to win a premiership eventually, and they’re going to try really hard until that happens. As a supporter, you can’t ask for more than that.

(Show Lyrics)

We are the Suns of the Gold Coast sky

We are one in the red, gold and blue We are the Suns of the Gold Coast skyWe are one in the red, gold and blue We are the mighty Gold Coast Suns

We play to win the flag for you Fight, fight, fight till we hold up the cup

Run, run, run all the way We are the Suns of the Gold Coast sky

We're the team who never say die!



10. West Coast Eagles

The vast majority of this song is dedicated to informing the listener of the club’s mascot (eagles, in case you weren’t clear). In the remaining five words, they claim to be “kings of the big game”, which is at least something, whatever it means.

(Show Lyrics)

We're the Eagles, the West Coast Eagles

And we're here to show you why

We're the big birds, kings of the big game

We're the Eagles, we're flying high



9. North Melbourne

North Melbourne’s claim to be “champions” is the only the only reason this song appears so high in the list. The rest of the song is about having fun, and repeated injunctions to sing along.

(Show Lyrics)

So join in the chorus, and sing it one and all,

Join in the chorus, North Melbourne's on the ball,

Good old North Melbourne, they're champions you'll agree,

North Melbourne is the team that plays to win for you and me.



8. Adelaide Crows

The only quantifiable claim made in this song is that Adelaide are stronger and faster than their opposition. This was in fact the case, until the departure of Paddy Dangerfield. The rest of song is irrelevant narcissism about admiration and pride.

(Show Lyrics)

We're the pride of South Australia

We're the mighty Adelaide Crows

We're courageous, stronger, faster

And respected by our foes We're theWe're the mighty Adelaide CrowsWe're courageous,And Admiration of the nation

Our determination shows

We're the pride of South Australia

We're the mighty Adelaide Crows



7. Essendon

With its nuanced lyrics, this song is brave enough to admit that while the club desires to win the premiership flag, individual players are competing solely for their own glory and fame. Could explain the recent departures of Jakes Carlisle and Melksham.

(Show Lyrics)

See the Bombers fly up, up!

To win the premiership flag.

Our boys who play this grand old game,

Are always striving for glory and fame!

See the Bombers fly up, up,

The other teams they don't fear,

They all try their best,

But they can't get near,

As the Bombers fly up.



6. Collingwood

The claim that “the premiership’s a cakewalk” is wildly boastful, and historically inaccurate (Collingwood has lost more grand finals than any other team). The rest of the song, however, is exceedingly modest, namely that their players know the rules of the sport, and that their supporters shout.

(Show Lyrics)

Good Old Collingwood forever,

They know how to play the game. Good Old Collingwood forever, Side by side they stick together,

To uphold the Magpies name. See, the barrackers are shouting,

As all barrackers should. For the Premiership's a cakewalk

For the good old Collingwood.



5. Western Bulldogs

This song begins in an unassuming (if somewhat alarming) fashion, being chiefly concerned with animal noises and biting. Then you reach the line “You can't beat the boys of the Bulldogs breed”. While Collingwood claim to be able to win the premiership, perhaps with a few character-building losses along the way, the Doggies claim to be invincible. (Note: the song does allow for the possibility of a draw.)

(Show Lyrics)

Sons of the West,

Red, White and Blue.

We come out snarling

Bulldogs through and through

Bulldogs bite and Bulldogs roar,

We give our very best.

But you can't beat the boys of the Bulldogs breed.

We're the team of the mighty West.



4. Richmond

A string of lofty claims culminates in the assertion that the Tigers will win every single match, no matter how far behind they may find themselves. They also boast of superhuman physical endurance, meaning all their interchanges are for purely tactical reasons.

(Show Lyrics)

Oh we're from Tigerland

A fighting fury

We're from Tigerland

In any weather you will see us with a grin

Risking head and shin

If we're behind then never mind

We'll fight and fight and win

For we're from Tigerland

We never weaken till the final siren's gone

Like the Tiger of old

We're strong and we're bold

For we're from Tiger

Yellow and Black

We're from Tigerland.



3. Geelong

In the very first line they claim to be “the greatest team of all”. That’s a big claim, but the Cats aren’t done yet. Even if the umpires have them losing on the scoreboard, Geelong still plays the game “as it should be played”, ensuring that any result is a Geelong victory by definition. The fact that they can do this at home or far away boggles the mind.

(Show Lyrics)

We are Geelong, the greatest team of all

We are Geelong; we're always on the ball

We play the game as it should be played

At home or far away

Our banners fly high, from dawn to dark

Down at Kardinia Park



2. Sydney Swans

Showing an absolute disregard for the profession of bookmaking, this song claims that the Swans will win no matter the odds. Furthermore, they claim to possess the power to summon thunder from the skies, an ability usually reserved for supreme gods in polytheistic religions.

(Show Lyrics)

Cheer, cheer the red and the white,

Honour the name by day and by night,

Lift that noble banner high,

Shake down the thunder from the sky

Whether the odds be great or small,

Swans will go in and win overall

While her loyal sons are marching

Onwards to victory!



1. Port Adelaide

To the casual listener, this is a song about trying hard and giving your all. Yet this propaganda anthem claims that Port Adelaide has the “power to rule”. Rule what? The lyrics state that this is about “more than a sport”, meaning they are not content to simply rule the AFL. They want to make “history”, and what better way than to be the first VFL/AFL/SANFL team to depose an elected government and seize control of an entire nation. Knowing this, the rest of the song suddenly makes sense. They want to “take” Australia’s “flag”, and their battle cry of “aggression” indicates a willingness to use force to achieve this objective. They will not stop. They will not give in. By the time you read this, it may already be too late.

As the only club song celebrating a forthcoming violent coup of a peaceful and well-established democracy, Port Adelaide clearly tops the list.

(Show Lyrics)

We've got the Power to win

Power to rule

Come on, Port Adelaide aggression

We are the Power from Port

It's more than a sport

It's a true Port Adelaide tradition

We'll never stop, stop, stop

Till we're top, top, top

There's history here in the making

We've got the Power to win

We'll never give in

Till the flag is ours for the taking

POWER!



Honourable mention: Adelaide Crows club song from 1993

Their only goal at this point in time was to die and be reincarnated as a Toyota Camry. Depending on your beliefs, this may be impossible.