Cameron porn block plans in disarray as 100% of homes ‘opt-in’

Everyone has said they would like access to online pornography, scuppering David Cameron’s plans to make such content available only to people who say they want it.

The Prime Minister is expected to outline plans today for online pornography to be made available only in homes that ‘opt-in’ to such content, seemingly unaware that everyone has already done so.

Internet user Simon Williams told us, “The moment I hear there was a plan for opt-in, I put my hand in the air. Not that one, that one was busy.”

“If the government is somehow under the impression that this nation’s secret perverts will too ashamed to opt-in to get access to their porn fix, then they can expect to be sorely mistaken.”

“Trust me, I, and millions like me would double opt-in if it meant we got access to the really good stuff.”

“If David Cameron thought this would work, then I can only suspect that he is being advised on his Internet policy by my nan.”

Porn filter opt-in

The government has spoken of its disappointment at the 100% opt-in rate, explaining they thought there might be one or two homes that chose not to.

A spokesperson explained, “The mistake we have made is underestimating how thoroughly depraved the general public is, and how tedious masturbation can actually be without access to a myriad of online filth to occupy the mind.”

Online decency campaigner Sheila Matthews said, “This new government plan is important because it will keep the minds of our young people pure, and we need to protect the most vulnerable in society from materials that could corrupt their young minds.”

“Yes, my husband has already opted in, but that’s not the point.”