ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister is expected to weigh into the ball-tampering controversy this evening as pressure mounts on the cricket governing body to sack all of those involved.

However, before Malcolm Turnbull fronts the media, he had ball tampering and the dark art of reverse swing explained to him by retired express-pace bowler, Brett Lee.

Speaking candidly to The Advocate via mobile phone this afternoon, the Member for Wentworth said he needed a ‘bit of an education’ before he could comment confidently on the matter.

“From what I understand, Steve Smith and the rest of the ‘leadership team’ – whatever the fuck that means, have seriously shit the bed. Not just a little bit, a huge Boxing Day-size shit has come out and is now it’s all over the bedsheets,” said Turnbull.

“Brett Lee, I spoke to him earlier, he said that using things like sandpaper to roughen the surface of the ball is extremely illegal and tears the fabric of respect that all cricketers have for one another. Brett said he should’ve just stuck to sucking Gobstoppers, using the syrupy saliva to shine one side,”

“That’s how swing works, I’m reliably told. One side is shiny, one is rough and it falls to the rough side. Reverse swing is what I just said but in reverse. I also spoke to Shane Warne about it. He laughed and asked why ‘in the fuck’ I spoke to Brett Lee about swing bowling. John Howard rang up but I didn’t feel like talking to him. I spend Monday to Friday talking to racists, I try not to on the weekends.”

The Prime Minister’s Office is expected to release a statement at 6pm AEST.

More to come.