CHESTER – A man with no cell phone and no internet access of any kind, Oscar Stritch of Chester, VT, is reporting that everything is fine in the world today, and that there are no major crises of which he is currently aware. Stritch says that everyone he has spoken to today has given him a friendly smile and he sees no sign of tension or strife in his local community.

“I’d say everything’s going well,” Stritch told our reporter, who stopped to question him on the street after noticing his unusually calm smile and relaxed demeanor. “I’m pretty recently retired, so I’ve been spending my time keeping an ear to the ground, and things are looking good around here so far as I can tell. Everything is fine.”

When pressed further as to his views on recent current events, Stritch said “Oh sure, I did hear there was some construction going on over Londonderry way on Thompsonsburg Road, but I expect that’ll clear up soon. I didn’t say things were perfect, mind you. I just said they’re pretty good.”

Stritch had no comment on national or global issues, saying only “Not sure how I’d know anything about that.”