1. Even those closest to us don’t believe us

One day, I told my friend I’d struggled with depression for a while, and it was particularly bad right now.

“Yeah, that’s funny! You’re the happiest person on the planet!” He laughed.

We don’t fit the stereotype of depression, so people don’t believe us.

Weeks later, I was joking with my co-workers. One of them, who I’d spoken to openly about my depression, chimed in:

“Yomna told me before she felt depressed — yeah right! You walk around everywhere laughing and joking — we all know you’re not depressed!”

My co-workers laughed, and I laughed too. Because why would I dampen the mood and correct them?

I’m too ashamed to tell them that, actually, my depression is serious, and even if I do joke around, I sometimes can’t get out of bed because my depression is debilitating.

I’m too ashamed to tell them when they ask why I look tired, it’s because I’ve spent all night crying — for no reason — and confused as to why I was crying, and didn’t get any sleep.

I’m too ashamed to tell them that, although I take care of myself professionally, I often can’t take care of myself physically, and go days without eating.

It hurts when you don’t believe us, because we already feel self-indulgent, and this makes us doubt ourselves more.

Depression comes in a million shapes and sizes. We don’t fit the stereotype of depression, so people don’t believe us.

Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash.

2. Persistence is our thing, and it hurts to see it go

High functioning depression is a term used for people who, despite their depression, are successful in their academic, work, and social lives.

Usually, we’ve got there through persistence.

Feeling like the odds are stacked against us, but going for our goals anyway.

Working during the summers instead of travelling with friends.

Being criticised for aiming too high, but going for it anyway.

Failing at work, and trying again, and failing again, and trying again, until we succeed.

We love our persistence because it’s gotten us to where we are in life. It’s one of our key personality traits.

But depression erodes our persistence.

We don’t feel like ourselves anymore. And it’s scary when you don’t recognise yourself.

We clash with a colleague and, instead of convincing them of our point of view, we give up.

We struggle with our bills and, instead of coming up with a practical solution, we get anxious and teary.

We can’t focus on work and, instead of trying to work through it, we go home.

We wish we’d just get over it, or, like everything else in our lives, find a way to work through it. But depression gets the better of us.

And this hurts our egos, specifically because it hurts our sense of self-perception. We don’t feel like ourselves anymore. And it’s scary when you don’t recognise yourself.

Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash.

3. We have things we want to say, but can’t

We really want to speak out.

Maybe we’ve realised our depression is taking a heavy toll, and we want to pragmatically suggest to our boss that we work from home today. We’ll get our work done, and won’t be around people who can trigger anxiety attacks.

Although we want to say it, we just can’t.

It’s perfectly rational, and we know our boss will agree.

But the words just don’t come out.

And we don’t know why they don’t come out, and that’s even more frustrating.

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels.

4. Yes, we know everything in our life is okay, thank you for reminding us

When people hear about our depression, they rush to point out all the great things we have going for us.

Our loving family, our amazing network of friends, our great job — but we already know all that.

And we feel guilty for being depressed in spite of it.

Depression isn’t about the things you have or don’t have. It can’t be rationalised away like that.

Depression isn’t about the things you have or don’t have. It can’t be rationalised away like that.

Photo by Sunyu on Unsplash.

5. We don’t want to disappoint you or ourselves

People with high functioning depression are usually the same people with high levels of perfectionism and goal-orientation.

When we’re depressed, or unable to work at our optimal level of productivity, we fall short of our own expectations. And we feel we’re letting others down too.

It becomes a vicious cycle of:

Feel depressed, demotivated, and sad for no reason High, often unrealistic expectations — exacerbated by depression Unable to meet those expectations because of depression More demotivated and anxious because unable to meet own expectations Repeat

“I was bullied by the high expectations in my head.” - Christine Wu

When we don’t meet our expectations of who we should be, we start to feel that everybody hates us. But that’s not what it really is. With depression, we don’t recognise the person we’re becoming, and it’s not that everyone hates us, it’s that we hate ourselves.

Sometimes, we even resent people for liking us. Because we don’t like the person we become with depression, and we don’t feel we deserve to be liked. So we judge people who like us for having bad taste, or for just being wrong.