Just Because I Don’t Drink Anymore Doesn’t Mean I Have to Stop Puking in Ubers

I’ve been sober for two years and in that time I’ve noticed a lot of misconceptions about life without alcohol. People seem to think it’s this serious, dull lifestyle where you get everything back on track, do well at your job, and fix strained relationships. Well, I’m here to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth. With or without alcohol, I still have it within my power to fuck up every other aspect of my entire life.

So, no, my sobriety does not mean I have to stop puking in Ubers.

Getting sober can be scary and sometimes it feels like you’re starting your entire life over. The people I sponsor often ask me, “Does this mean I have to stop waking up every morning with puke on my clothes and an Uber driver’s cleaning bill taped to my chest?” And I’m delighted to tell them, absolutely not!

If you put your mind to it, you can sink lower and lower into darkness and depression, even surpassing what in your drinking days you considered rock bottom. You truly are at the start of an exciting journey!

Just earlier this year I developed a crush on my cute coworker, Jenn. If I was drinking, I probably would have stolen her personal information from her file in human resources, texted her a poorly cropped porn star’s dick without removing the Brazzers logo, and regretted it in the morning when I realized I might have blown it with Jenn. Because I’m sober, however, I was able to charm her, take her out, puke all over the Uber on the ride home, and now no one at work invites me to lunch.

Remember, just because you stopped drinking doesn’t mean you aren’t still you! The only thing that’s in the way of completely ruining everything you’ve worked so hard for is yourself! Don’t let anybody tell you different!