What’s it like to turn the tables on email scammers? Comedian James Veitch did just that after one of them posed as a friend of his … with hilarious results

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The poem

(The scammer is posing as an old friend of Veitch’s using a similar email address.)

From: Alexandra K

To: James Veitch

Subject: Hi

Alexandra K

Hi, sorry to bother you but I made a trip early this week to London, UK and had my bag stolen with my passport and credit cards in it. The embassy is letting me fly without my passport, I just have to pay for a ticket and settle hotel bills. I was thinking of asking you to lend me some funds. I need to be on the next available flight.

Alex

James Veitch

What??????

Alexandra K

Thanks for your response i need $2000 to pay hotel bills and cover my expenses, let me know what you can come up with. I made inquires and was told western union would be the best option.

James Veitch

Alex, but how on earth did this happen? I had no idea you were even in London. And two GRAND on hotel bills? How on earth did you manage that? You could have stayed at mine for free! I’m working on getting you the cash.

James



Alexandra K

Thanks alot James i promise to pay back as soon as i get back. here are the details you will need in sending the funds via western union

Alexandra K,

Charing Cross Road,

London,

WC2H 0QU



James Veitch

To be honest, I’m a bit annoyed you’ve spent the past week in the lap of luxury and haven’t contacted me at all. I thought we were close; what happened? Also, what’s your room like? I’ll talk to the bank tomorrow.

Alexandra K

Dont be please you know my head was filled and i was a bit confused but now you promised to help my mind is at rest cant you be able to get the funds by today please i really need to get on the next avaiable flight let me know.

James Veitch

I know how you feel. If I’m paying the bill though do you think you could at least steal me some towels?

Alexandra K

James try and get back to me with update let me know if you have sent the funds

James Veitch

Alex, before I do this, and I want to, but before I do this, just tell me one thing: how was I, as a lover? I’ve been wanting to know this for ages but haven’t ever had the courage to ask.

Alexandra K

James dont start am in a mess right now and my head aches please just get me out of this mess and we will discuss this when i get home okay, Thanks and waiting to hear from you soon

James Veitch

If that’s the way you’re going to behave then maybe you can just dig yourself out of this mess. Remember Tuscany? Those huge waves? All I want to know is whether you still love me. Tell me you still love me?

Alexandra K

Okay James i still remember the old times we spent together and i wish we could do it once more if we had the chance to okay i will never forget the good times we both spent together please just get me out of this mess

James Veitch

But do you love me???

Alexandra K

yes i do love you James and i will meet you at the airport once all this is clear okay so just get to a WU and wire the funds so we can meet and spend time together alright. Keep me posted

Love you



James Veitch

Hi Alex,

Sorry, I’ve been busy all day today. I did manage to call my bank to make sure I had enough money to cover the hotel bills. The guy I spoke to said that Western Union isn’t safe. Don’t you think it’s better that we meet in person? On the way home I decided to ask you to write me a poem. Nothing large; just a simple one, just for me. Something about Tuscany. I remember writing you one all those many years ago and you never replied to me. It would mean a lot to me.

Yours, James



Alexandra K

Western union is 100% safe okay all else you dont want to wire the funds to me cause i made inquires and was told Western union is the best way to receive funds fast and easier okay so if are still willing to help me out of this just let know



James Veitch

And the poem?



Alexandra K

I will write you the poem that is no problem but i need to get things straight first okay? wire the funds so i can get everything done and we can meet. do you still need the info’s or you still have them



James Veitch

I’m not doing anything until I get a poem!



Alexandra K

Fine i can see you are not helping matters thanks for your time



James Veitch

We’ll always have Tuscany.



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Winnie

From: Winnie Mandela

To: James Veitch

Subject: ATTENTION!



Winnie Mandela

I AM WINNIE MANDELA. I AM THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? I AM IN POSSESSION OF US$45 MILLION DOLLARS. I NEED TO TRANSFER IT OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND MR NELSON MANDELA’S HEALTH CONDITION. IF ALSO HAVE A GOOD BUSINESS IDEAS ON ANY LUCRATIVE INVESTMENTS, I WILL MAKE YOU INVESTMENTS MANAGER.

ONE LOVE

YOURS TRUELY,

MRS WINNIE MADIKIZELA MANDELA



James Veitch

So sorry to hear of this. Given that Nelson died three months ago I’d describe his health condition as fairly serious. Nevertheless, I have some great ideas for investments :) Tell me a story about Nelson? What did he like for breakfast?

James



Winnie Mandela

Nelson is now a history. We will speak on investing my money afterwards. Kindly comply with my banker for the transfer to be done smoothly.

James Veitch

Not Cheerios then? Can you just tell me if it’s Cheerios? I’d like to eat the same thing as him.



Winnie Mandela

The bank needs transfer fee of us$3800 dollars for the transfer to be made to your account.

James Veitch

I’m going to assume it’s Cheerios.

Winnie Mandela

dont ask me stupid questions. if you are here for jokes stop further communicating with me here because i dont have time for this foolishness.

James Veitch

I don’t like the way you’re talking to me one bit. Is this how you used to talk to Nelson?

Winnie Mandela

Remember i will offer you 25% of the fund

ONE LOVE



James Veitch

Awesome.

NO WOMAN NO CRY



Winnie Mandela

This is 11.3 Million Dollars

ONE LOVE

James Veitch

Amazing!

I SHOT THE SHERIFF

(But I did not shoot the deputy)

Winnie Mandela

I am praying that the transaction will be smoothly accomplished. Please assure me you will not betray me in this transaction.

James Veitch

Winnie (may I call you that?), I agree. The transaction should be done smoothly. On that note, I’ve actually been making smoothies in the mornings – crushing up cashew nuts and almonds and adding oats and banana etc. – the sort of thing Nelson always liked for breakfast. They’re so delicious and healthy. Essentially, what I’m saying, Winnie, is that you and I could do worse than to consider getting into the smoothie business.

We could call it Winnie & James’s Smoothies.



Winnie Mandela

But i told you to send me your identifications which you promised to send today. why haven’t you done so?

James Veitch

Winnie, there’re loads of things to take care of before I do that. I want to know more about you. I can’t very well take so much money off you and become your investment manager without becoming friends first.

Winnie Mandela

do you jump in the air to know more about me when i am known all over the world. have you not heard of me being the second wife of my late husband nelson Mandela? i told you to send me your photo to help me recognise you during my visiting you. what is knowing some one better than meeting with the person one on one?

James Veitch

When do you want to meet? I can’t do this weekend, unfortunately. I’m seeing a show then going dancing. Unless you wanted to come. What are your thoughts?

Winnie Mandela

what do you mean by seeing a show then going dancing ?

James Veitch

Would you prefer something more low-key like roller-disco? I’ve literally always wanted to do that.

Winnie Mandela

am the formal first lady to my late husband nelson Mandela. how could you be asking me such a foolish queries.

Illustration by Jiro Bevis.

Keith

From: Catherine Hetherington

To: James Veitch

Subject: (no subject)



Catherine Hetherington

Dear James.

I could not inform anyone about our trip, because it was impromptu. we had to be in Manila, Philippines for a program. Our journey has turned sour. we misplaced our wallet, passport and cell phone. I will be indeed very grateful if i can get a loan of 1,800 euro from you. I promise to refund it in full as soon as I return

Catherine



James Veitch

Catherine,

Of course I can help you out. What happened? Is everything ok? How’s Keith doing?

Catherine Hetherington

James! Am so glad you replied back….. Let me know if you are heading to the Western Union outlet now...

James Veitch

Of course. Don’t worry. How’s Keith though?

Catherine Hetherington

James, Keith is Fine please let me know. He’s having a meeting with the british embassy now to get replacement passports. Please go to the western union. I owe you A lot…

Catherine

James Veitch

Cat, I’ll pop along first thing tomorrow. I must say though, Keith seems remarkably capable for a Yorkshire terrier. Last I remember he could roll over and woof for a treat; now you say he’s taking meetings at the British embassy? What are you feeding him???

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Safety first

From: Tom Beedham

To: James Veitch

Subject: Reply ASAP.................Tom Beedham



Tom Beedham

Sorry for any inconveniences, but I’m in a terrible situation. I came down here to Manila,Philippines. Last night I was robbed at gunpoint, my wallet and other valuables were stolen off me, leaving only my passport and life safe. My luggage is still in custody of the hotel management pending when I make payment on outstanding bills. I need you to help me with a loan I will reimburse you soon as I get back Home.

All hopes on you.

Tom Beedham

James Veitch

Again??!! Noooo problem, Tom. What do you need this time?

Tom Beedham

Glad you replied. As soon as i get back home tomorrow i will definitely refund the money. All i need is £2,150 sent through western union to my information below.

Receivers Name: Tom Beedham

Location: Vicente Cruz Street 908, Espana, Near 7-Eleven

Manila City, 1000, Metro Manila

As soon as it is done, kindly get back to me with the western union confirmation number

James Veitch

Wow. That is a lot of money. Let me see what I can pull together.We may have to unplug Granny but I reckon it’s doable :)

Tom Beedham

OK, Kindly go to the nearest Western Union Shop as soon as it is open tomorrow.

Keep me posted.

James Veitch

Hey Buddy,

Just woke up. Had an awful nightmare about your gun mugging. I’m a bit nervous about sending this much money abroad. Can I just send it straight to your hotel?

Tom Beedham

Hi,

The Hotel Management does not allow payment online only cash in person. Kindly send via western union to my name and send me the Money Transfer Control Number from western union (MTCN)#

Kindly do this and email me the transfer code ASAP.

James Veitch

Boom! I sent the money and they gave me that confirmation MTCN number you were on about.

Tom Beedham

Send me the number please so I can pick up the money.

James Veitch

Is it ok if I send the number to you in bits? It’s a lot of money and I heard from a friend that emails can sometimes get hacked! Though, to be frank, that sounds far-fetched.

Tom Beedham

Yes. Send in bits. Please quick.

James Veitch

Ok, I’m really glad you agree about that. Incidentally, Lucy has had a baby. Can you believe it?! When did you guys break up again? Anyway, don’t worry about that now. The first digit of the MTCN number to collect your cash is ‘1’. Reply back for the next bit. The baby has curly hair. Just like you.

Tom Beedham

Send the number as whole number. This takes too long.

James Veitch

No, no no, we can’t have this money going astray. Better safe than sorry. To be honest, that’s a good rule of thumb generally. Re: Lucy, let me know if you need me to do a cheek swab. Are you ready for the second number?

Tom Beedham

Yes please send more numbers though

James Veitch

Ok, I’ll send two numbers this time to speed things up. The next part is ‘23’.

Tom Beedham

How many numbers altogether?

James Veitch

32.

James Veitch

Tom?

Tom Beedham

Please give more numbers.

James Veitch

No can do. Security, Tom. Are you ready for the fourth digit in the sequence?

Tom Beedham

Yes. I am ready.

James Veitch

OK, but just so I know it’s still you, can you repeat back to me the numbers I’ve given you so far.

Tom Beedham

You have given me 123

James Veitch

CORRECT! Ok. The next number is ‘4’.

Tom Beedham

Goodbye

James Veitch

Ok. Let me know when you’re ready for the other 28.

This is an edited extract from Dot Con by James Veitch, published by Quadrille Publishing (£7.99) on 13 August. Click here to order a copy for £6.39