The blue line in this graph represents my mood score from negative to positive (black line is “zero”). The magenta star represents the nervous breakdowns, the salmon/pink columns are the days I had my period. The obvious pattern is that, during this time frame, I had 3 nervous breakdowns right before my periods. I didn’t have a nervous breakdown only before one period, though my body/mind certainly attempted but could not succeed breaking me down (16-18 December). And to me it is so clear why I was off the hook that month: I was traveling in Japan for 10 days (represented by the bar in teal green) and I had a great time. I always feel better when I travel to a new place. My body must have stocked up on serotonin so much that I was in a better mood in general that month (as you may have noticed from the blue line being above zero mostly that month). The months after this have the repeating pattern of “normal-ish” or “meh“ moods followed by a nervous breakdown the week before my period starts.

Deconvolution

With my very strong findings, I went to my therapist. “This is the situation dear Tom”, I said. He paused for a bit and he said, “My dear, you have PMDD”. “What the heck is that?!”, I asked. “Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder”, he replied. Careful! This is not your usual PMS (which is already horrible). PMS is something most women experience to varying degrees. “PMDD is exactly what you describe. You feel pretty normal until it hits about 10 to 7 days before your period, and your mood changes drastically, much more severely than it would in PMS. If regular exercise isn’t helping (looks like it isn’t in your case), the other options are trying to go on birth control pills or going back on being antidepressants.” NOOOOOOOO NOT ANTIDEPRESSANTS!* I worked so hard to quit them. Ok let’s try birth control pills. (In theory, BCPs were to regulate my hormones, and potentially then prevent PMDD).

So, this is what’s been going on. I wanted to share all this because it is important to me. I feel like people take mental health issues too lightly or stigmatize. If you struggle with mental health problems, you may be afraid of being seen as “weak” or “spoiled” or “lazy” or whatever, fill in the blanks with negative verbiage. A lot of times, it is not just the fear of others calling you these things, but you yourself believing in these, and you end up hating yourself and beating yourself up. I am sharing my experience to bring more awareness to these issues. Please do not hesitate to get professional help (if you have the means). Please spend the time to know yourself, your patterns. If by sharing this I can help a couple of people, I will be so happy.

I have an appointment next week with the women’s health center to discuss birth control pills. We will see if they will help. I’ll share my experience as I go. And I will continue to journal my mood.

PS: Here is an article that explains the difference between PMDD and PMS.

Post-processing

An update to this blog post (in 2017): Birth control pills didn’t do it for me. I felt terrible on the one type of pill I tried. Eventually, what ended up helping was getting an IUD (intra-uterine device) in 2014 (I got Mirena). These hormonal IUDs release hormones locally, and they do not have the systemic effect the pills have. I miraculously stopped having the severe swings, though I still have light PMS-type mood changes. I also do not have cramps anymore as a bonus! Everybody reacts differently to these different options. The bottom line is, spend the time to try different options and hang in there! You’ll find a solution.

*Another update (in 2019): Even though my IUD helped a lot with getting some part of the troubles under control, after starting my new faculty position, I started having insomnia very regularly. (I had been suffering from this to some extent while in Paris, but it was manageable.) Even though at times I felt like I never felt happier in my life (thanks to being with my wonderful partner, finally living in the same place together, and having the dream job), I also started having to deal with lots of new anxieties that came with the new job. After spending a year trying to remedy the insomnia through not drinking coffee except in the morning, trying not to eat things that upset my stomach in the evening, mindfulness, reading books and staying away from screens once in bed, and therapy (I cannot thank my therapist enough for the growth she helped me achieve)… I mean I tried, and tried, and tried, and finally decided that it is time to go back on antidepressants. And life has been so much better. I am on a low dose, which helped so much with my sleep, but didn’t lose my motivation like it happened the first time.(this was one of the main reasons I had quit antidepressants back then). I hope you find your solution, and strength to look for a solution, whatever it may be.