After TWO premieres and TWO casts, it’s the bit we’ve been waiting for – the queens meet. Let the backhanded compliments and thinly veiled nastiness ensue. It’s ALMOST as good as that bit in Four In A Bed where they’re forced to explain to each other’s faces why they underpaid by £3.50. Almost, but not quite (“I just really felt the poached eggs weren’t up to scratch and also we found a pubic hair under the kettle”).

This one also kicks off with a written statement addressing Sherry Pie-gate. It explains that they’ve decided, for the sake of the other queens, to proceed as planned, and that Sherry has been disqualified from the competition. It is on screen for a full 14 seconds. Which doesn’t sound like very long, but on a show that’s edited with roughly the same poise and coherence as a hungover oyster, a silent pause like this stands out and has an impact. They really want you to know that Sherry Pie will most certainly not be passing go, and absolutely will not be collecting ONEHUNDREDTHOUSANDDOOOOLLARS.

Clash of the queens

After the initial obligatory shady entrance, suddenly both cliques are hugging and smiling – Jan and Brita know each other from New York. In fact, five of the girls are from New York. A considerable chunk, and perhaps a slight oversight from the show’s casting directors. There are so many incredible drag scenes in the US, and the more we get to see of those, the better. Despite not being especially racially diverse, something Drag Race UK did very well was represent drag from across the UK. Except Scotland. And Wales. And the UK’s gayest town, Brighton. Ok, maybe it didn’t do it that well actually. NEXT.

The episode 1 queens are all looking stunning, and we’ve just worked out who Gigi reminds us of – Denise Richards! The button nose, gorgeous eyes and a slight look that says she’s wondering whether she locked the back door when she left the house. Nicky Doll says “we just met the bitches and they’re already starting to complain.” Bienvenue a Drag Race, Nicky! “We’ve been through some shit” says Jackie Cox darkly. Jackie … it’s only been a week.

Gigi Goode ignores the coronavirus protocols. Photograph: Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images for VH1 "RuPaul's Drag Race"

It’s not personal

Everyone’s in the workroom and Rock is wearing those grey shorts again. Don’t pretend you didn’t notice them last week. RuPaul is dressed like a Balamory cast member who’s just been made redundant. SO many people are wearing glasses. Do drag queens need glasses more than other people? Maybe because of eye makeup? Is that a thing? We’ll get The Guardian’s team of trained opticians onto it. Just kidding, they’ve been redeployed for coronavirus planning.

Next in a real dick move from Ru, but one that undeniably makes great television, the two winners from the last two weeks (Widow and Jaida) are tasked with lining up the other queens in order of how good they think they are. “It’s not personal” says Ru. Well … it is. It’s literally the most personal thing ever.

World’s Worst

This time, the girls are starring in a show called “World’s Worst” where they’ll play wannabe performers with big dreams, outrageous backstories, and no talent whatsoever. So it’s based on season 10 then. THE SHADE.

Already Brita and Sherry are arrogantly talking over team leader Aiden Zhane because they know about acting daahling. “We’re not sure about the leader of the group,” says Sherry. Well, we’re not sure why we still have to watch Sherry given the repulsive revelations about her, but here we are.

In terms of the actual end product – as with most of these Drag Race TV show parodies, it’s mostly inane and unfunny. It also goes on for way too long, taking up almost half of the episode’s running time. The only good thing about it is guest judge Charo, who’s had more wiglets than you’ve had hot dinners.

Workroom

Back in the workroom and we’re onto some interesting chat from Dalia about her and her gay identical twin brother, and how they navigated coming out to their parents, including debating whether to do it together or separately. It’s in situations like this where Drag Race really comes into its own, giving airtime to unique stories. But apparently the twin also wants to start doing drag … UH-OH.

Heidi is wearing a Pinocchio nose. We don’t know why but we can’t wait to find out.

Sissy that walk

RuPaul arrives in a brave silhouette for her, a departure from her usual ballgown fare – she of course pulls it off though. The whole gang’s here – Carson, Michelle and, alas, Ross Matthews. We’re also joined by Olivia’s Mum. Who’s Olivia? And why is her mum on TV?

The runway category is “Buttons & Bows”. At this point the production team might as well just be throwing those little word magnets at the fridge in the staffroom and seeing what sticks. Olives & Ships! Farmyard Car Crash! San Moritz Space Exploration!

Jan’s look is incredible, Heidi’s is EXACTLY as ridiculous as we thought it’d be and Gigi’s is genius – a suit of 25,000 orange buttons. “This is the heaviest thing I’ve ever worn,” she says. Once you’ve said something as fabulous as that, you’ll know you’ve made it in life.

In possibly the most hilarious piece of dialogue in any show ever, Michelle says to Dahlia, with a perfectly straight face; “I know it’s hard to be a piece of broccoli when you’re trying to be beautiful.” AND THE EMMY GOES TO …

Lipsync for your LIFE

It’s lipsync time and the wrong people are in the bottom two. The song is Iggy Azalea and Ariana Grande’s “Problem”. A pre-drink fave. Carson’s dad dancing is hilarious. Nicky’s staying and Dahlia’s going. The whole thing is a colossal anticlimax.

dahlia sin walking out petty on rpdr is me walking anywhere 😭 pic.twitter.com/DghzqC0erW — christian (@chrixxstian) March 14, 2020

Notes and observations

Shadiest moment Sherry and Brita picking on Aiden left a sour taste and felt dangerously close to bullying. Let’s hope it doesn’t continue next week.

Catchphrase watch “Pinnocchi-HO!”

Animal print hunt Just a quick jaunt in the long grass at 2.5 items – the leopard print sleeves on Crystal’s jacket, Dahlia’s tigerprint shirt and RuPaul’s white snakeskin (?) runway look.

Just between us squirlfriends We really didn’t want to see Dahlia go, and she certainly isn’t the weakest queen in the competition by a long shot. This has long been an issue with Drag Race, to the point where it’s actually lost long-time fans over some of RuPaul’s decisions. But to be fair … it’s called RUPAUL’S Drag Race, so, like it or not, the final decision is hers to make.