When I was an active Mormon, a couple of months prior to when I was about to leave for the Paraguay North Asunción Mission, I baptized a really close friend of mine. For anonymity’s sake, we’ll call her Rachel. While Rachel was investigating, she attended my ward with me as I introduced her to the LDS church. As we became friends, she showed interest the LDS church. After about a month, we got the local missionaries involved. We went through the motions: missionary lessons, baptism, and confirmation. When it came time to do the church paperwork the Bishopric found out that Rachel lived in a separate ward boundary. She was told she couldn’t attend church with me but had to attend the the appropriate ward which met at a different time. As a member for my entire life, I knew boundaries existed, but I hadn’t thought much about them or thought they could ever be a problem. I thought, “Surely the church cares more about people going to service rather than when and where they attend service.” Apparently not.

To put things in perspective, Rachel is diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. Asperger’s is an autism spectrum disorder that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction and nonverbal communication. It’s very difficult for someone in Rachel’s shoes to make requests for themselves due to they’re introverted nature. Rachel likes to be quiet, sit in the back, and not be a distraction. Being the focus of attention is enough to send her into a panic attack, especially when she might be considered “the problem“. Again, I think, “Surely under the circumstances of severe social anxiety God would be understanding if one person didn’t go to their designated ward.” Unfortunately, I had too high of expectations for God.

The Bishopric sent the missionaries and some members of Rachel’s prescribed ward to give a lesson on how ward boundaries serve a purpose, both organizationally and spiritually. The missionaries recited a scripture verse that very loosely supported ward boundaries and proceeded to bear a testimony of the benefits of ward boundaries. The accompanying members then detailed their own experience with how wards develop fellowshipping within the church.

The members told us this story:

“Fellowship is an important thing in the church, especially for Relief Society & Priesthood, that way they know who to help and bake things for. Recently, I had a friend that moved from my ward to the ward next door. She was later hospitalized from a car accident. Naturally as her friend, I wanted to go see her, but my Relief Society President encouraged me not to go because that was the responsibility of her new Relief Society, so they should go see her and get the blessings of her fellowship. See? Wards are just a way for the church to provide it’s members with a secured group of friends where ever you go or live.”

Let me make it clear that, where I’m from, these wards shared the same building. This story shocked both my friend and I. These members used a story of how their Relief Society President told them not to go see their friend as a valid explanation for ward boundaries. Since their friend moved a couple streets down, they had to forget about their old friend and only make baked goods for people in their own ward. I don’t know about you, but I would gladly bake a cake or give a card to any one of my friends regardless if they lived 10 minutes away or 15 minutes away. Isn’t that what “fellowship” is about? Being good to one another without there being any reason for divide?

By this point in time Rachel is beginning to feel some strong social pressure from the Bishopric after trying her best to explain that she does not feel comfortable being removed from the only person she knows. The Bishop is constantly urging Rachel to accept a calling. It’s clear that she is uncomfortable with accepting a calling and she feels she is not welcome or understood. I agree and set up a private meeting with my bishop to speak one on one.

After a couple of hours speaking with the Bishop about Rachel’s social anxiety, he just tells me that’s how it is and that nothing can be done. I asked if I could just attend Rachel’s new ward with her. I was told that, technically, I could attend with Rachel at her ward, but by doing so I would not be able to hold a recommend or serve in any callings. As a Mormon preparing to serve their mission, the thought of not holding a recommend was terrifying.

“If we change it for one person, then more people will want to switch wards. We can’t have imbalanced wards.” – Bishop

Wouldn’t God want people at church to be with the people they want to worship with and be happy rather than be forced to interact with people with which they have little drive to associate? Rachel and I became inactive soon after the Bishopric began harassing her to accept a calling and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Social anxiety, much like any other mental or emotional condition, ought to be taken seriously. I found the lack of empathy from my Bishopric to be jarring. Shouldn’t my Bishop at least be trying to understand how someone with social anxiety does not easily fit into the cookie-cutter mold of the church?

Even when I was active I always had the feeling that members just talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. “Gossiping is bad”, “Love the sinner, hate the sin”, “Love one another”, “Fellowshipping is important”. I used to think that by being Mormon, I was a good person. I used to think that it must be so hard to be an empathetic human-being outside of the church.

Upon leaving the church, one of the first discoveries I made was that it’s not difficult at all to be a good person. It’s very easy, actually. Sometimes, all it takes is listening to the person talking to you. I once thought members could be listened to by their leaders. I once thought people used religion to be good people.

I just don’t see a lot of people in the LDS church using Mormonism to become better people. Instead, they just try to become better Mormons.