Name: Royal Mail

Age: 497.

You're joking. I was surprised too. Its forerunner was set up by Henry VIII in 1516. The General Post Office (GPO) was established in 1660. Adhesive postage stamps stuck in 1840.

The Penny Black. Indeed.

It brings a tear to the eye. The seamless thread of British postal history, bright red pillar boxes emblazoned with the royal crest, friendly staff in sub-post offices offering help to wizened pensioners, the warp and weft of … Oh, do give over. It's not 1947 any more. This is modern, whizzy coalition Britain, and it's time the Royal Mail moved on from the 19th century. Which is why, after many false dawns, business minister Michael Fallon has announced his "firm intention" to privatise it by next April.

Sell it off? Float it on the stock market in a highly popular move that the government says echoes all those marvellously exciting privatisations under Mrs Thatcher (God rest her soul) and John Major.

Energy, water, rail, oxygen? I think you'll find oxygen has not been privatised. More's the pity. But yes, Royal Mail privatisation will follow those other liberating free-market experiments.

David Cameron really must be determined to lose the next election. On the contrary, the upwelling of national feeling following the death of Lady T has shown the government it needs to recommit to the principles of Thatcherism. Hence the privatisation of the bloated, struggling, union-riddled Royal Mail. The offer of shares to the public will put the business in the hands of the people who use it.

I thought privatising Royal Mail was a step too far even for Lady Thatcher. Didn't she say she was "not prepared to have the Queen's head privatised"? Autres temps, autres moeurs, as our friends in Brussels like to say.

It will be the end of a universal postal service. Scaremongering.

Pricing structures will be as complicated as rail fares. Good. You should get what you pay for.

Post offices will close. Are you Ed Miliband?

Not to be confused with: The NHS, privatisation of which really is unthinkable. Isn't it?

Do say: "I'll certainly be buying shares. The Royal Mail's near-monopoly position makes it an excellent investment."

Don't say: "Can I take out a mortgage on a stamp please?"