TORONTO – A walking, talking refutation to the argument that Canada is in some way a more progressive country than the United States was sworn in as Ontario Premier this morning.

“We have an all-star team that’s ready right now to give the people of Ontario the kind of leadership and direction they deserve,” said the human embodiment of our stark reality.

The antidote to the smug Canadian syndrome much of the country has been suffering from since November 2016 also announced he will pursue an ambitious agenda that includes redesigning the sex-ed curriculum, ending the carbon tax, and making sure that we all don’t get too full of ourselves every time Trump tweets something stupid.

Joining drug dealing Biff Tannen in government will be Health Minister Christine Elliott and Attorney General Caroline Mulroney, forever disproving the idea that Canadians would not collaborate with a would-be dictator like Americans are.

The swearing in is the culmination of a stunning political rise for the new Premier, who was previously best known as the brother of the living proof that politicians can melt down just as disastrously as former child actors. Up until leader Patrick Brown’s sudden resignation, most PC members did not even want him running to be an MPP, on account of him being a terrible person who frequently said and did terrible things.

But as of today he is the most powerful man in Ontario. Something that should certainly give Canadians a reason to pause the next time they want to post about how far the U.S. has fallen, but definitely won’t.