When not making headlines, Stormy Daniels has been known to serve a good cocktail. In her 2011 collection Bikini Kitchen, now available to rent on Amazon Video, Stormy guides us on a frills-less journey of mixology to help you make “anything you drink that makes me look cuter.”

The Thighmaster has some thoughts. First and foremost, the biggest problem here is that her clothes are on the entire time. Second and secondmost, she is not naked at all. Third and thirdmost, why aren’t you showing us your boobs, Stormy????

After watching Ms. Daniels serve a handful of these drinks, I paused to see how far into this 4:3 aspect ratioed video I got, and realized I had 2/3rds of it left to endure. Never before has 24 minutes felt like 24 hours days – Oy! While it was nice to learn a little bit about the history of the word “cocktail” (you’re better off just reading this), and about Stormy herself (she’s from Louisiana, likes hot sauce, AND the Piña Colada is one of her favorite drinks – mind-blowing, I know), there’s just not enough titillation to be found anywhere in this un-Drunk Herstory.

At least at Hooters you get to look at clothed boobs AND actually get to drink.

The only thing that remotely passes as entertainment here (besides her pronunciation of “Worcestershire”) is when she takes a cocktail shaker and uses her money makers to mix things up a bit.

That is as good as it gets. Maybe in Bikini Kitchen: Volume 2 she shakes cocktails with her butt, but I don’t think I could possibly spend $1.99 more to find out if she does.

Cocktails? More like MOCKTAILS!!! This video collection is FAKE NEWS VIEWS!!!

Here’s an idea, Stormy: How about Bikini Sundae, where you make desserts while wearing nothing but a whipped cream bikini. Think of all the “cherry on top” “with nuts” puns you could scoop up!!

Thighmaster is full time master of thighs, and editor-in-CHEF of ThighsWideShut.org, an organization based out of Thighland. In his free time he eats fried chicken, and runs street teams to promote the greatness of David Fincher’s Zodiac, and the greatness of the Zardoz trailer.

Watch Stormy Daniels: Bikini Kitchen on Amazon Video