I am a comfort-first guy.

Gone are the days when I would feel the need to squeeze into a pair of skintight jeans in order to catch the eye of a potential victim.

Gone are the days when I would pass on a carb-laden meal because I didn’t want to feel bloated before my big maritime breakdance competition.

Gone are the days when I felt the need to wear a pair of underwear that served any purpose other than covering my genitals from the elements.

For a split second, I thought I wasn’t alone in this not-so-recent laissez-faire attitude towards function over form. I thought maybe the tide had turned, and even the younger generation was able to realize that the primping and preening are best left to peacocks. They discovered that finding a suitable quarry requires introspection on their own part as well as intellectual deep-dives into the others in question.

And then I saw this picture…

This is nothing new. String bikinis are not Dêpeché mode, and I actually wrote about something called a “micro-bikini” a couple of months ago, so I shouldn’t be caught off guard.

But it is 4:30 in the morning, and as I mentioned above, I can’t sleep. And I also can’t stop thinking about the semantics involved with having that string up that girl’s ass.

When I can’t sleep I make bad decisions, and the decision I am making right now involves a shoelace and a dream.

Willie Colon bought me a pair of Jordans so we would be in matching outfits when we competed in that YOUR CALL FOOTBALL thing earlier this week… We won, by the way.

And ponder that for a second: Some people think me a racist, and yet the biggest black guy alive bought me a pair of sneakers that I was all too happy to try on for him like we were recreating that iconic clothing store scene from Pretty Woman (I was Julia Roberts, obviously).

But back to the shoelace, I was sitting in bed, looking at the picture up above, and I couldn’t help but wonder just how uncomfortable wearing one of those things is. As fate would have it, the box with my new Jordans was right next to my bed, and it contained an extra pair of white shoelaces… Extra Long… Long enough for an oversized shoe (I am Size 14 and Willie is a 17), and long enough for what I had planned.

I quietly crawled out of bed… being careful not to wake the bride… and shuffled into the bathroom. Phone in one hand. Laces in the other.

When I got into the privacy of the Master Bath I tied the end of one lace to the other using a knot I learned from a Boy Scout I dated years ago, and then fashioned a small noose on the far end of the now DOUBLY-extra-long lace.

I stripped down naked and wrapped the noose around my penis, tightening it just enough to hurt, but more of a sweet pain than anything else.

I then looped the long lace under my penis, splitting my ballsack into two separate hanging halves.

Pulled it up and under my taint, and then through my ass crack. Then I clumsily crept the balance of the lace up my back with my left hand until it was high enough to throw it over my right shoulder.

For those who can’t envision what I had done, the green line I added to this picture is pretty close…

Holding the non-noosed end in my right hand, I was able to pull down on the lace to tighten it’s fit over my shoulder-down-my-back-and-through my undercarriage, just to get a feeling of what this young lady was going through.

To no surprise, it was VERY uncomfortable, and when I looked into the mirror, it was even more uncomfortable.

Watching this bright-white-colored shoelace disappear into that loveless crevasse was absolute nightmare fuel, and if I can share a little secret- I actually took a picture of my reflection. However, I am not sure what I will do with it because it is officially the worst picture I have ever taken.

There’s an argument I could show the photo because the way my ass is raised in the picture obscures my genitals on the other side.

Plus, I am nervous and it is cold in this bathroom, so my naughty bits are kinda tucked-in close to my body.

Still, I will probably delete it after I show the wife later on because there are already plenty pics of me hanging around that embarrass my kids so why give the good people at DEADSPIN one more?

Anyhoo, I am off to work.

Have a wonderful Friday, everyone… Never borrow a shoelace from me.

Take a report.

-Large