A recent study by me established a link between lactose intolerance and being a huge bitch at my fondue night.

While the results are still being emotionally processed as they send shockwaves through the general public, it’s immediately clear that there have been devastating effects to the overall vibe of my fondue night that I have been planning for weeks in advance and for which I did, in fact, buy a special fondue pot.

However indisputable, to many, the results are confounding.

“It’s been fascinating to discover that in the case of Michelle, there is a 100% correlation between moderate lactose intolerance and being, to not mince words, sort of a cunt at this fondue night that was actually selflessly organized by one person for the enjoyment of several others,” is what experts would likely have to say about the outcome of this study.

Nearly everyone finds it almost impossible to believe that Michelle would have a shitty attitude at my fondue night even though she could easily fill up on the torn bread, assorted veggies, and tiny roasted potatoes I provided for dipping, instead of just sitting there with her arms crossed, glaring at the bubbling pot of melted cheese, then saying, “Yeah, looks great!” in a really pointed way when everyone was complimenting the meal, so that everyone had to turn to her and frown and be like, “Ugh, sorry Michelle!” like I’m some kind of villain for throwing a dinner party.

The correlative and likely causal link confirmed by the study left many wondering how Michelle can live with herself after making such a passive-aggressive scene and on my birthday, no less (okay, it wasn’t my birthday, but can you imagine? That would be shocking, right? And really what’s the difference? Like, if this was her reaction there’s no reason to believe it would be any different on the day of my birth).

Unfortunately, the disturbing results of this study have opened the floodgates of possibility in terms of all the hugely bitchy things Michelle is liable to do, both related to and beyond the scope of her alleged lactose intolerance.

For now, all we can do is remain vigilant and remember: If you ever see Michelle deciding to “just the bite the bullet and enjoy some ice cream,” it is your right and duty to smack it out of her hand.