Seth Meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers took a closer look at the results from Super Tuesday, which indicated a clear two-person race between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. Biden had an especially good night, winning the majority of delegates and 10 out of 14 states. “You could tell things were going well for him because when he took the stage in LA to celebrate last night, he was so giddy he apparently confused his wife, who was on his right, with his sister, who was on his left,” said Meyers.

It was not reassuring, Meyers continued that Biden quickly broke “one of the first rules of politics: you never want to confuse your wife and your sister – unless you’re starring in a reality show on TLC.”

Tuesday’s results are ripe for takeaways, depending on your candidate preference, “but one thing I think we can all enjoy” said Meyers, “is the fact that ex-Republican billionaire Mike Bloomberg had to drop out today after spending $500m in an attempt to buy the election.” Despite spending far, far more money than any other candidate to blitz Super Tuesday states with advertisements, Bloomberg won only one primary: the territory of American Samoa. In other words, Bloomberg “spent half a billion dollars and all he got was a nationally televised atomic wedgie from Elizabeth Warren in the debates.”

“Even though Super Tuesday didn’t go the way she wanted, we owe Warren a debt of gratitude for singlehandedly annihilating the Bloomberg campaign,” Meyers continued. “Elizabeth Warren devoured him in those debates like the T Rex from Jurassic Park.”

Now that the race has narrowed to two candidates, the media has trained on one slippery, dubious concept: electability. “It’s insane that we’re still talking about electability three years into the presidency of the least electable person in the history of elections,” said Meyers.

“We have no way of knowing who’s the most electable. Just vote for whoever you think would make the best president.”

Stephen Colbert

The day after Super Tuesday is “also known as Old Man Wednesday,” said Stephen Colbert on the Late Show, and it was indeed a good day to be 77-year-old Joe Biden. The former Vice President over-performed expectations on Tuesday, and won states he was not projected to take, such as Texas. “Apparently, down there he appealed to Hispanic voters,” said Colbert, “because like many of them, his first language is not English.”

Biden’s Super Tuesday was remarkable because he won in states where he didn’t campaign or have offices. “In fact, in Minnesota, Biden’s entire ground operation was just this flyer: ‘Joe Bide Available to dog-sit or be president,’” said Colbert.

He also won in Elizabeth Warren’s home state of Massachusetts, where he didn’t even appear in person. “If I’m Elizabeth Warren right now, that’s the last time I campaign coherently,” said Colbert. “Next time it’s just going to be ‘Crazy Aunt Lizzie’s No Malarkey Stream-of-Consciousness Folksy-rific Wooden Nickel In Every Garage Campaign-Ganza.’”

Samantha Bee

“It now looks like it’s a close race between Bernie, Biden and the coronavirus, which is projected to infect them all,” said Samantha Bee on Full Frontal of the Super Tuesday results. Much of Biden’s success “could be attributed to other moderate candidates dropping out of the race and giving him their endorsement. Amy Klobuchar laid down her comb and stapler after throwing them at her staffers one last time, while Pete Buttigieg gave up his lifelong dream of becoming America’s first white Obama. All in the name of coalescing behind a candidate who’s…fine.”

“I know that last night’s primary results were probably disappointing for some of you, and it may seem now that Democrats are more divided than ever,” Bee said. “This primary has become bigger than the candidates. It’s starting to seem more like it’s about the very soul of the Democratic party: a race between unapologetic progressive values and the color beige.”

But regardless of your preferred candidate, Bee concluded, everyone had to come together in the end. “If you’re a Bernie supporter and you end up having to vote for Biden, keep fighting to push the party to the left. If you’re a Biden supporter and you end up having to vote for Bernie, I don’t know, man, enjoy legal weed when it passes and chill the fuck out. Because at the end of the day, the most important thing to remember is we have to defeat Donald Trump.”

Trevor Noah

If yesterday was Super Tuesday, today was WTF Wednesday. pic.twitter.com/n7Z2Zi0TIo — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 5, 2020

And on the Daily Show, Trevor Noah addressed the demise of Mike Bloomberg’s campaign. Despite “spending the GDP of a small country on his campaign, his quest for the nomination ended in failure.”

“The reason Bloomberg is dropping out now, after one bad night, is that you must remember: he entered the race to be the moderate alternative to Bernie Sanders,” said Noah. “But last night, the voters were very clear that they already know who they want their moderate candidate to be.”

That would be Joe Biden, who won the majority of delegates on Tuesday and celebrated with a raucous rally in Los Angeles. “And of course, no Joe Biden speech would be complete without a few moments where the wifi dropped out,” Noah said, referencing Biden’s gaffe mixing up his wife and his sister. “That’s an awkward mistake. And if you are going to talk about your sister-wife, you should’ve done it sooner, because then you could’ve won Utah.”

Overall, Biden won the night, “but don’t forget: this contest is far from over,” Noah said. “Because this race is all about winning delegates, not just states, but delegates. And even with his good night last night, Biden is still basically neck and neck with Bernie in the delegate count.”

“The gloves are officially off. The dentures are in,” Noah said, “and things are about to get messy between these two.”