New Guitar Pedal Purchase Mostly Based On Cool Name

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local guitarist Joel Svensson admitted yesterday that he bought the recently released JHS OrcGrinder pedal primarily based on its cool name and nothing more.

“Out of the box, the OrcGrinder has sick features like a glitch button, a freeze effect, and even an acoustic guitar simulator,” explained Svensson, clearly holding the pedal upside down. “Before I got this bad boy, I couldn’t for the life of me… uh, figure out how to sound like an out-of-tune Wal-Mart Rogue Starter Acoustic Guitar, and then I guess, like, freeze that tone. I just always had to do other stuff… instead of that. But yeah, on top of all those sick features, the name was just too sick to pass up.”

Although Svensson is largely pleased with his $830 purchase, the other members of his band Parsian Bastard have had trouble integrating Svensson’s avant-garde tones into their pop-punk sound.

“We’ll get a fat riff or chunky breakdown going, and Joel will scream, ‘OrcGrinder time mother fucker!’ And suddenly his amp sounds like it’s exploding or maybe killing itself,” said bassist Daniel “Flubbs” Flanderson. “Last year he bought a pedal called ‘The Shitkicker’ that nearly broke up the band — once, it made his amp feedback so loud that our drummer lost hearing in one ear. It really fucked with his balance. He isn’t allowed to drive the van anymore.”

JHS Pedals representative Larry Fisdale explained the inspiration to create the OrcGrinder was, in fact, its “dope-ass name” and virtually nothing else.

“I was handing some invoice stuff over to one of our accountants, and he said, ‘We should really consider making a pedal called something cool for once. Like fucking GoatPagan or PregnantMayhem,’” recalled Fisdale, crushing a half-empty Monster Energy can against his forehead. “We took a few parts from other pedals with lame names like ‘Jeff’s Reverb Pedal’ or ‘EQ1400,’ crammed them into a new chassis, spent $2 million hiring Banksy to paint an orc, and voilà. OrcGrinder.”

JHS Pedals will next roll out their new Cop Killer pedal, which has no features other than LED lights changing colors every time the switch is engaged. Pre-orders are already sold out.