A day in the life of WCW's Tony Schiavone

By Jimmy XCite

Jan 15, 1999

(8:00 am--Tony Schiavone's alarm clock goes off)

Tony: Ahhhhh, what a good night's sleep. It was the best sleep in the history of all sleep!

Tony's Wife: Do you mind, I'm trying to sleep.

Tony: I'm going to go downstairs and get myself the greatest breakfast of all breakfasts!

Tony's Wife: Alright, just stop yelling.

(10:00 am--Tony Schiavone sits at the table eating)

Tony's Wife: What are you still doing here? I thought you said you were going to eat 2 hours ago?

Tony: These past 2 hours have been the greatest 2 hours ever! I had the greatest breakfast in the history of great breakfasts!

Tony's Wife: You've been sitting here eating for 2 hours?

(horn honks)

Tony: Oh my goodness fans! That must be Mike Tenay and Bobby Heenan! It's time to get into the best car of all cars and head over to WCW!

(In the car)

Heenan: Hey Tony.

Tenay: Tony.

Tony: Thank you for the warm reception fans! That was the greatest greeting I have ever witnessed!

Tenay: Yeah...

Heenan: So, Tony, how's the wife and kids?

Tony: Last night my wife gave me the greatest bl*wjob in the history of great bl*wjobs!

Heenan: ...

Tony: Everything has gotten quiet! I think it's a little too quiet! Never know when the NWO might show up!

Tenay: What's a bl*wjob?

Heenan: ...

(10:45 am--WCW Headquarters)

Lee Marshall: Hello Mike, Tony... Weasel.

Tony: Well Well, it's Lee Marshall for our 1-800-Collect Road Report! What news do you have for us today, Lee?

Lee: Bischoff wants to see you in his office.

Tony: In a second, fans! Let me just change this sweaty shirt! Even though it is the greatest shirt I have ever worn!

(Tony takes off his shirt)

Lee: Oh my!

Heenan: Good God!

Tony: Gentlemen, you are looking at the finest pair of breasts in this history of this great sport!

Lee: I think I'm going to be sick!

(Lee Marshall runs to the bathroom)

(Diamond Dallas Page walks by)

DDP: Yikes!

(11:15 am--Eric Bischoff's office)

Eric: Tony, I need to talk to you about something.

Tony: Well, if it isn't Eric Bischoff! The leader of the NWO! The greatest leader of the NWO ever, but still the leader of the NWO! I don't want anything to do with you!

Eric: This isn't Nitro, this is real life.

Tony: What the f@#k's going on here?!

Eric: Look Tony, just calm down. All I want to do is talk to you about your job.

Tony: Ric Flair beat you! He's the boss, Bischoff! The greatest boss in the history if this great sport!

Eric: Look, just get out of my office.

Tony: This has been the greatest moment in the history of my great life!

(Bischoff shakes his head)

(12:36 pm--At the soda machine. Tony is sipping a Diet Pepsi as Hollywood Hogan walks up)

Hogan: Hey Tony.

Tony: Help! NWO!

Hogan: Look, I don't want any trouble, brother. Just a soda.

Tony: Can we get some security out here now?! It's the NWO, fans!

Hogan: Calm down.

(Tony throws the can of soda at Hogan's head and runs away)

(1:24 pm--The Parking Lot)

Tony: Dammit! That was the greatest soda in the history of this great sport!

(Kevin Nash's car pulls up next to Tony)

Nash: You need a ride, Schiavone?

Tony: Keep on moving, buster! I'll walk thank you very much!

(7:45 pm--Tony Schiavone's House)