On a warm day in April, 2011, I awoke to the chirping of birds. I opened my eyes, and was instantly awash with the world. Everything possessed a clarity that I had only ever experienced in my dreams. I looked around in disbelief, tilted my head in bewilderment and wondered if I was dreaming. I felt alive for the very first time. Only after a few minutes did I remember that the night previous, I had taken my first dose of hormones.

Gone was the static, the low, steady noise that had been clouding my thoughts for 23 years. In its place was an almost unreal serenity, a balance that superseded even my most focused moments. I felt right.

I’ve talked about this back and forth with many people, many of whom were skeptical, but to this day I hold that I can feel testosterone. It has a horrible effect on me. It makes me jittery, anxious. When I have some in my system, I feel wired, but not in a “I just did a 10mile ride” sort of way; more like a “I just drank 3 energy drinks” sort of way. I honestly abhor how it makes me feel.

The day I woke up with androgen blockers and estrogen in my system in place of my usual overdose of testosterone, my life started in earnest. Everything changed that day, and nothing has ever been the same.

After that I started my transition in full force. I convinced my sister to go clothes shopping with me and was able to replace much of my wardrobe. I started practicing my makeup every day, and found a look that worked consistently and didn’t look like costume makeup. I got my ears pierced, and my nose. I started doing things for myself that were for me, the real me, the me that was a girl. I started getting referred to as ma’am. It was very occasional, but every time it happened it gave me even more hope and energy to push on with.

Within a month my mother realized how much better I was doing while on hormones. Our fights all but disappeared overnight, because I wasn’t getting angry anymore. I was calmer, controlled. My aggression was replaced by a deep sensitivity and frequent tears. I was loving every second of this new lease on life.

As far as feelings went, I wasn’t necessarily experiencing new emotion. I didn’t suddenly find myself exposed to an array of things I had never felt before. The best I can describe it, I had always been feeling these things (growing up everyone thought I was very emotional) but sometimes, that static, that testosterone buzz kept me from fully connecting to them.

I restarted my job hunt. I was determined to never again fall back into the depression that had nearly consumed me. I had drifted so close the event horizon of my own demise, I didn’t want to ever put myself at risk again.

Just a few short months later, I was employed, but not in the capacity that I had expected. Life is a cycle, it gives and takes. I had reclaimed my life, just as another was about to lose theirs.