By Bertram Gilfoyle

Apparently we have a blog. Great. Jared defects to work with some hot shot and next thing I know, I have an inept human resources windbag all over my shit making me write a blog. Blogs are vapid froth designed to bloat the brains of weak people and stroke the dicks of overly sensitive idiots; a place where the feeble go to complain.

What chaps me the most is that this HR czar waltzed into Pied Piper and immediately decided to sabotage my already exorbitant workload with a blog. She graciously offered me the choice of two topics: “Leadership” or “An Inspiring Colleague.” Though I could easily write eloquent volumes about how Dinesh inspires me to want to eat a plate of bleach spaghetti, I have too much work to do. And the tomes I could write about his ineptitude, lackluster code, and general unlikability might make my hands tired of typing. So I’ll go with leadership:

Any thoughts I have about the current leadership at Pied Piper should not be shared in a public forum. There is no redeeming value to writing about my experiences. Unlike most of my desperate peers, I dedicate myself to my work and my work only. I am good at what I do, and I am tired of this mindless fodder for imbeciles. I am busy with work that matters, not gimmicks requested by pathetic corporate slugs.

That enough for you, Tracy? Inspired? Feel free to post this on your LinkedIn, but maybe mention to your wet blanket MBA cohort that this was all written by… you guessed it, Son of Anton. In the time I could have been spending writing this, I spent tightening the screws on the most incredible piece of intelligence in this office, built by yours truly, which spit out the above. This is one of the many reasons that I equally revere and fear Son of Anton.

Let this be a lesson in paying attention. The vapid consumption of natural language generation in scroll culture is a sure indicator of our society’s eventual and inevitable collapse at the hands of robots. I’ll be on the correct side. Cheers.