Naked and Afraid XL is one of those perfectly produced reality show treasures that will hook its claws into you the moment you start watching it — even if you come to it five years late. Yes, I’m sorry to say I was too busy watching an avalanche of Netflix originals, high brow anthology series, and Korean soaps about horny ghosts to catch Naked and Afraid XL before now. The first season debuted all the way back in 2015, but thanks to Hulu, I was able to watch the whole first season in a breathless binge. There were butts, there were eels, there was blood, there were bitches, and there was a jaw-dropping meltdown that I can’t get over.

I know I’m five years late, but I need to scream about what Honora said, did, and refused to apologize for in Naked and Afraid XL Season 1. And what might have actually happened to Honora behind-the-scenes.

Naked and Afraid XL is, much like its title suggests, a supersized version of Discovery’s tried and true reality hit Naked and Afraid. The original series pairs two strangers — a man and a woman — together in a remote location to see if they have what it takes to survive in the wild for 21 days with only a two or three survival tools. The contestants are totally buck naked when they are dropped in these extreme situations. Even though you would think fashioning fig leaf undies would be a top priority, contestants typically just hang dong and let their girls bounce out in the open, with only post-production pixels covering up their naughty bits.

In 2015, Discovery launched Naked and Afraid XL, which upped the ante on the drama. Twelve Naked and Afraid alums were corralled into four teams in the wilds of Colombia and asked to extend the challenge to a Biblical-sounding 40 days and 40 nights. There was a trio of cocky hunting experts called the “Alpha males,” another trio of can-do survival experts called the “Alpha females,” and then two gender-imbalanced groups that quickly deteriorated across those classic gender lines. In one team, a rather stubborn extreme sports enthusiast crumbled under the passive aggressive comments of the hippie chicks in his group, while the other…well…the other group had Honora to deal with.

Naked and Afraid XL offered audiences no shortage of drama from its competitors, but Honora was next level. Prior to her appearance on Naked and Afraid XL, Honora was famous for being the only competitor in Naked and Afraid history who had to be medically evacuated from the jungle because she was dangerously close to death. She’s also the only competitor who has then claimed she was faking and that the whole show is “like a Nazi experiment.” So when her teammates Luke and Chris saw that she was in their group, they were wary. They also developed a habit of dismissing her ideas which naturally didn’t set right with Honora.

Watching Naked and Afraid XL left me of two minds about what happened to Honora in Episode 3, “40 Days No Escape.” The rational and empathetic person in me realizes that Honora was hungry, exhausted, stressed, and succumbing to heat stroke. Naturally, she would be not only moody, but what the kids call “hangry.” However after dissolving into a completely understandable temper tantrum — which literally contained the classic line, “I’m feeling really attacked right now” — Honora crossed a line. Frustrated and angry at Luke and Chris, she set out to sabotage their survival by stealing their few tools and attempting to destroy them. First she tried to burn her own fire starter kit, and when Luke saved that, she took his knife, water bottle, and her own machete and threw them all into the murky deeps of their swimming hole.

What’s mind-boggling about Honora’s choice is that it’s not one rash decision, but a series of escalating attempts to sabotage her teammates. Noting that he has three years dealing with at-risk youths in wilderness therapy situations, Luke tries repeatedly to reason with Honora. However, it’s like they exist in two separate realities: the real world and Honora’s heat-stroked view of it. Even as he attempted to give Honora an opening to reconcile, she reverted to more subterfuge to lie her way into destroying still more objects. She is grappling with the reality that she has reached her limit and needs to tap out, but to get there, she says she wants to do all she can to ruin Chris and Luke’s chances at reaching the 40 day goal.

As it unfolded on TV, it was mind-boggling how ruthlessly Honora wanted to screw over her teammates. However, if you take the time to read Honora’s own recollection of her time on Naked and Afraid and Naked and Afraid XL, her outburst is reframed as a riot against the production crew. By now we all know that reality television is staged for drama, but Honora alleges that producers let some contestants have access to prescriptions and tinctures to help them cope, but she was one of the cast members banned from such boosts.

Whether Honora’s blog post absolves her from her outburst is up to you, but her tale ironically highlights why I found Naked and Afraid XL to be so much more compelling than simple old Naked and Afraid. Naked and Afraid assumes that the survival challenge at hand is to outlast the elements; Naked and Afraid XL admits the real predator humans have to contend with are each other. Whether we’re talking bullies, cliques, interpersonal friction, the fight to share resources, or simply contending with the powers that be who have rigged the game, Naked and Afraid XL shows that the biggest help or hindrance to survival comes from one another.

Where to stream Naked and Afraid XL