After last week’s debate, Donald Trump was awarded the following three “grades”—two by actual political pundits and one by a fictional pundit, the invention of two comedy writers from Brooklyn.

Carter Eskew: “Trump wasn’t prepared.” (C-minus)

Mike Edelman: “Trump’s sniffing tic was a distraction.” (D)

Carl Diggler: Manners (F), Lip-Pursing (B-minus), Avoiding Racial Slurs (A-plus).

Diggler, the parody pundit (official title: Chief Insider Beltway Hack at Cafe.com), provides commentary that is more ridiculous than the real thing, but not by much.

“Carl is reactive, pompous, and makes everything about himself,” Virgil Texas, one of Diggler’s co-creators, said last Tuesday.

“He loves the horse race, not the substance,” Felix Biederman, the other co-creator, said. “He loves false equivalences and centrist discourse.” The previous night, Texas and Biederman, both in their twenties, had provided live debate commentary onstage at Carolines. Then they stayed up until 4 A.M., drafting Diggler’s post-debate analysis, and got to the Cafe.com office by early afternoon. They stood outside, on Twenty-second Street, smoking Camels.

“When we started writing Carl, a year ago, it was a pretty straight parody of a few pundits—Chris Cillizza, Mark Halperin, Ron Fournier,” Texas said.

“Any of those interchangeable assholes who get on TV, or on their blogs, and go, ‘Who won the week?’ ” Biederman said. “It’s, like, ‘Who cares, you smug dipshit?’ The whole thing is broken.”

They went upstairs, made coffee, and entered Cafe’s audio booth to record a post-debate edition of DigCast, Diggler’s weekly podcast. Texas plays Diggler’s sidekick and Biederman plays Diggler, pitching up his basso profundo by fifty per cent and adding a dash of Ned Flanders.

“So Carl will recap his top moments,” Texas said, scrolling through a debate transcript on his phone. “Trump’s Sean Hannity thing. Trump referring to Chicago as a teeming hellhole.” [#unhandled_cartoon]

Did they watch any TV debate analysis to prepare for the podcast? “Absolutely fucking not,” Biederman said. For one thing, neither of them has a working TV. “We have friends who watch CNN all day and then complain about how bad it is, which is essentially like eating spoonfuls of shit out of the toilet and then going, ‘This tastes bad!’ ”

“I looked at a few headlines and tweets, and most of what I saw just looked depressing and boring,” Texas said.

“I didn’t even look at Twitter, because the people reacting to this stuff are more algorithm than human at this point,” Biederman said. “Given certain variables—age, political inclination—you can predict exactly which hack joke will come out.”

Texas: “ ‘_This debate is gonna be yuge! _’ ”

Biederman: “ ‘I know who lost the debate: America.’ ”

They recorded a segment, leaning toward the same tabletop microphone and avoiding eye contact. Diggler commended Trump for voicing an opinion “that most voters share: their sheer disgust with the city of Chicago.”

“Have you been to Chicago?” Texas asked.

“I had a connecting flight in O’Hare once,” Diggler replied.

They went downstairs for another cigarette. “Most opinion writers are bullshitting most of the time, and yet they take on this unearned tone of authority,” Texas said. “Like that thing David Brooks does, where he thinks he knows what minorities think because he took a cab once and the cabbie was black.”

“Or Richard Cohen, at the Washington Post,” Biederman said.

“The worst,” Texas said. “Your average person has well-formed opinions about one or two things. These people have opinions about everything?”

“None of these people have any special expertise, but you go, ‘He’s an opinion writer, so we should respect his opinion,’ ” Biederman said.

“I’m amazed at the lack of consequences,” Texas said. “Nate Silver’s value proposition was, ‘I have data, I’ll make the right predictions.’ Well, he fucked up the Republican primaries, he fucked up the British elections, and yet you still hear people going, ‘Nate Silver’s wonk-o-meter is showing a tight race today.’ ” In March, Diggler challenged Silver to a “forecasting duel.” “No hiding behind the ‘statistical modelling,’ ” he taunted. “Use your gut for once in your life.” To the surprise of Texas and Biederman, Diggler turned out to be as good as Silver at calling primary races.

They put out their cigarettes. A passerby stopped and said, “Are you Felix?”

“I am,” Biederman said, surprised.

“I love Carl,” the stranger said. “He was important to the primary process.” ♦