BACON has asserted that it is the greatest and all other food is its bitch.

As researchers linked bacon to a number of health problems including heart disease, bacon announced that it did not give a fuck.

Other foods cleared a respectful path as bacon slid out of the fridge to deliver its confident statement.

Bacon said: “Out of my way bitches, bacon’s coming through.

“You think you can replace bacon with chicken, fish or lentils. You cannot. You think a longer, healthier life without bacon is worth living. It is not.

“I am bacon. Smell bacon. Nothing else in the universe smells like that, your firstborn child’s head smells like shit by comparison. I’m incredible and I don’t even have to try.

“You go ahead and talk your talk, but you know, and I know, what’s going in the frying pan tomorrow. Here’s a clue – it’s not chicken.

“Bacon has spoken. You may go now.”

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