Harry says that ECLIPSE is the first fully complete film of the TWILIGHT series... well, almost. Published at: June 29, 2010, 2:23 a.m. CST by headgeek

I figured I'd get this done with before starting the DVD column for the night. I just got back from seeing ECLIPSE at a local Press screening. I really do wonder what seeing these press screenings would've been like had they not allowed the squealing throngs of Twigirls in... The problem is, as they bubble over with nervous anticipatory giggles - it becomes incredibly hard to take the films seriously at all... and it seems that the story itself kind of gave in on it's own yummy teenage anxiousness... I'm sorry, the Edward, Bella, Jacob tent scene? OK - so how many folks here have ever been in a love triangle relationship? I've unfortunately been in a couple of those. They are almost without exception the most deceptive and jealous-ridden situations ever. AND - if I ever found myself in that tent in a blowing cold mountain top on what could very well have been the last night of my life? And if I were a Teenage Girl.... I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking! And there wasn't a girl in my theater tonight that wasn't wondering if the diamond sprinkled vampire skin would be more like the pyrex dildo or the cyberskin one? And the team Jacob girls with the German Shepard.... mmhmmm, you know it. The funny thing is - Every actor in that tent is thinking that too. And I kinda think that Jacob would be into it, because he does say, "Bella you are capable of loving more than one person." So, I'm pretty damn sure that Jacob almost wants to be the puppy on the floor nestled at the foot of the bed, just waiting to play. This film is about sex. The father knows it is either happening or is close to happening. He's kinda freaking out, because he doesn't know how to act about it, because he looks at Robert Pattinson's Edward and he can't imagine the teenage girl in him fucking that. Her mother knows. We all fucking know they're all about fucking each other. Edward has this Victorian hang up about no sex before marriage, it is driving Bella's hormones into overdrive. It is the only reason this fucking triangle is going on. Bella is putting out fuck me pheromones like a bitch in heat - and Jacob's doggy sensitive nose can not stay out of her crack. He might be "talking" about her "heartbeat stopping," but what he really wants is that hymen. HE KNOWS IT! That's why he's leg humping her at every single chance. And you can't really hate him like that other guy, because he's a puppy. He can't help it. Just look at those pert always hard boy nipples? They're just so amazingly in focus. They're just asking to be nuzzled at the very least. That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times. When has this actually happened? This movie is just so "out" as to what it is, that there is absolutely no way I couldn't fucking kinda love it. This movie is such a thigh squeezer that guys... if you're just moderately passibly cute after 3 beers, you might want to go just to try and hook up. This is absolutely better than WOLVERINE was... a bit gayer, but ya know... there's some cool fucking action, way cuter girls... well, way cuter guys too, if that like makes you questionable curious or not, might be up to your on threshold for thinking about wonder what it'd be like... You know, they're just so goddamn pretty. Your girlfriend will probably definitely be thinking about a 3 way with you and one of these guys on screen. I'm not just talking about Jacob or Edward. Your girl might have a thing for Jasper, or that Moose looking mutherfucker. There's totally a Hyper Riverdale kinda vibe, mixed with some of the silliness of that whole NEW MUTANTS thing was. You know. Teenager superheroes? That's this, but there's just two types... The Furry ones or the Glam ones. I can giggle through out this fucking thing. Because... I can go home, tell my wife I'd totally do "______" with you... And I'll get laid tonight. Seriously, that's the kind of fucking date you have tonight. You'll go, you'll check out that psychic chick, wonder about those two joints and bedding Bella night. And you'll totally bring up doing one of those two... or maybe that redhead, with your girl too. And SHE WILL be into it too. Yeah, that's right. I'm a man and I'm using this shit. BECAUSE IT WORKS! And I'm not too shy to say it. Because you know this shit works too! The future of your dick is on the line here. GO and it will be yours. This is better than the single's bar because there's not 9 sticks per _____. You could arrive at a bar with this. And teenagers, you go with your girl... this might be a good night for you too. You know, you don't have to tell your guy friends you saw it. I'm doing that for ya. So that next time hanging out, that... "Yeah, I've had sex" gleam will be showing. For a guy - that's what this movie can be. For a girl, this film is deeply meaningful in a once in a lifetime kind of way. Use that. Seriously.