My friends, I spent much of this year speaking out to survivors of child sexual, physical and psychological abuse by their parent(s)/family member(s). Though it's really shaky at times to stand up and speak at the podium, whether in real life or in online writing, I have been compelled, more than ever, to say something, anything and everything, to my true Brothers and Sisters who share this awful, soul crushing history. As my dear friend and the great blogger Deb Roby reminds me, it is my talking year, after all. (At this moment, I can't find the post where I tell you all about one of my MOs: I talk less during even numbered years - the quiet year. And, I talk more during the odd numbered years - the talking year.)

And, as I was compelled to stand in front of an audience of hundreds this past summer to tell you to Forgive Yourself, I am just as driven to present this blog post to all of you who need to learn or remember strategies for coping during the Holidays. These designated days for family are lovely in theory but outright painful for those of us who have been abused by family and/or adults close to us when we were young. We need to remember that we made it this far and we can go further. The way to do that is to get some help. I'd like to think this list will be helpful.

Please add your own strategies for coping in the comments. Let's share this precious information. Let's help one another.

Friends, these survival strategies have worked for me in the past and will work for me today and at Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, our abusers' birthdays, Easter, funerals, weddings - anytime I have to be with my family of origin. I'm 54 years old and have been around long enough to sort out what works and what doesn't, so I'm giving you my best here, dollins.

First, and most importantly, this is the primary principle to follow when you're in the presence of perpetrators and their allies:

Remember this always - DO NOT ABANDON YOURSELF. I can't say this enough - do not abandon yourself.

You were abandoned as a child. You did not deserve this. No child deserves this. So, as adults, we take care of ourselves as if we are our own precious child. Imagine taking your child-self gently but firmly by their lovely, grubby little hand and getting them out of harm's way. There are many ways to do this whether you are in the presence of perpetrators and their allies (like your own dismissive and scornful siblings who get angry whenever you mention the legacy and source of your pain) or if you're in a place where you may be triggered.

The following is listed in no particular order of importance because it's all important. I respect that some of these ideas may work for you, some may not. As long as you keep that all-encompassing guidance "Do not abandon yourself" in mind, you can take it from there.

Here we go:

Remember who you are TODAY. You are no longer a child. Indeed, there is a hurt child who is alive and well within you. But, now you're an adult who can make choices. Don't forget, you are an adult and you have power over your life.

One of the choices you can make is to not go to the abusive family's house. You don't have to go. You can tell them you're sick if you can't tell them the actual reason for your absence. It's okay to "lie" in this situation if fear keeps you from telling the truth of the matter. It's not really a lie, though. The abuse was and is responsible for its consequences that you may suffer from - depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you do "call in sick", don't answer the phone if you know your abusive family members are trying to call your cell or land line To this, I say - thank you, technology, for caller ID. Don't answer the calls from your abusive family members for up to a week. Then, if you must, call back and say you're feeling better. And, when I say"better", I mean that you're probably doing great because you didn't spend time with people who were not good to you and continue to be bad to you.

If you have to be with abusive family members, do whatever you need to do to stay centered as you cannot abandon yourself and you need to remember who you are today.

Staying centered may involve many tactics:

Go to your abuser's house with your real family, your husband, your kids, your chosen family of dear friends who believe in you. If you need support and active reminders of who you are now, take your supportive people with you. These people are your true family members who love you, won't abandon you and remind you of who you are today.

This is a big one - STAY SOBER. I cannot emphasize that enough. If you get drunk or high, you will lose that centered spot. You will relax, that's true, but it's a false sense of ease. Do take your Xanax if necessary but stick to your prescribed dose. The Bloggess will always recommend that you should avoid knocking back handfuls of the Judy Garland Trail Mix. And, there you go, a little Bloggess humor for you on a tough day.

Help in the kitchen. Be involved with the preparation. Do this only if such activities are not triggering. I always do this. I put my head down and work. I set the table, I do the dishes, I cook. I put my head down and work it, like a Zen monk whose practice includes performing chores mindfully. That's an excellent way to stay centered, pretending to be a Zen monk and doing tasks wholeheartedly.

Sit by a window so you can look outside. When you pull in the outside world as you sit with those who abandoned you, the world becomes that much bigger. There's more out there, beyond the dark cave of the abuser's house.

Go beyond looking out the window and get out there in that bigger world. Expand your universe. The abuser's house or the house with the abusers in it is not the core of the world. The world is beyond that house. In this world there are people who believe in you and love you unconditionally. That world contains your working life where you are valued or perhaps your university studies where you excel. So, go outside for a few minutes and take a walk in the bigger world.

Put your therapist's number on fast dial. Call anytime. Even if you reach their voice mail, leave a message. Don't fret if they don't call back. Instead, revel in the knowledge that you were wise enough to reach out. You asked for help and that action alone is therapeutic.

Keeping your therapist in mind, remember the tricks and tools they have suggested to help you through these tough times. For example, I like to use what all of my therapists taught me - the classic meditation exercise of sitting comfortably and going to my inner place of refuge. FYI - it's a beach on the Big Island of Hawaii. Not bad, eh?

Minimize conversation with the perpetrator and anyone who has been abusive to you. Again, you can say you're not feeling well, you have a headache, you need to be quiet. And, again, you ain't lying here. That person makes you feel unwell and your head probably hurts when you're around them.

If you cannot avoid conversations with those people, keep something in your pocket to remind yourself of who you are today. I use a little plastic monkey from the Barrel of Monkeys toy-game. Small and with a defined shape, the monkey reminds me of the relative light heartedness of my life away from the abusers. Also, a monkey is not to be messed with and you can pretend the monkey is throwing feces at whoever needs to be taken down.

You can also keep your cell phone on to Twitter, Facebook or chat or whatever you use for social media interactions. Set it to buzz everytime you get an update. Another reminder of the bigger world out there and that you're part of that bigger, better world.

Okay, get ready for this big one, survivors:

Remembering you are an adult of legal age, Walk out the door the second things get gnarly. Just go.

Everyone, no matter how badaas and brave they seem to be, is scared shitless to do this. I was scared to do this. But, I've done it and I'll do it again if I need to because it felt exhilarating, liberating and life affirming.

Don't leave yelling, but if you do, try to cry, yell some more or laugh really hard once you're out the door to release what is truly an emotional atomic bomb full of energy. Really try to do that before you get in the car. Do not drive home in an intense emotional state as you are not centered and in control. Respect your anger and anguish and give it time to release and subside. You will feel better and that will help you think clearly as you operate that moving vehicle.



Once you're back home, take a long, hot shower or bath. Put on clean sweats or pajamas, rev up the TV and watch football or, better yet, that really cool and amazing CNN special about heroes.

Do upbeat things. Listen to music. Try this empowering song by Tori Amos:

I'll end here with a visual command from me:

You can do it. Yes, you can.

Take good care today and on every holiday, my brothers and sisters. "Take to the sky," dollins.

And yes, please tell us, share what you do to get through the holidays.

Peaceful, warm and blessed Thanksgiving Day to all of you, my good readers. I am grateful for your company. Thanks for listening to me.

Love, GraceD