WASHINGTON D.C. — In his speech at the Rose Garden, President Trump announced that the longest shutdown in United States history will finally come to an end.

“I’m proud to say that I managed to convince the Democrats to end this disastrous shutdown,” Trump triumphantly exclaimed in his address to the nation on Friday. “We decided that instead of building the wall along the southern border, we will erect a big, beautiful sign. This sign will issue a stern warning to anyone hoping to cross our border illegally: Stay away.”

“This solution is much cheaper than a border wall, and it still conveys the same message,” Trump added. “I trust that patriotic Americans will rejoice, and sleep more comfortably at night, knowing that the border crisis is finally coming to an end.”

On the floor of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi celebrated her political victory with a rousing speech.

“I moved on him like a bitch, and when you’re House Speaker, they let you do it. You can do anything, reopen the government without wasting $5 billion on a xenophobic monument. You can do anything,” Pelosi said.