[Oct. 23rd, 2010|02:26 pm]

I may have mentioned before my theory that the more effort something makes to sound scientific, the less scientific it actually is. Take black holes, for instance. They don't sound scientific at all, but they're pretty well grounded in theory and observation. Compare that to Creation Science, which has "science" right in the name - and the same is true of Christian Science, which if anything is even less scientific than ordinary Christianity. Compare "astrology", which has the coveted -ology ending, to "astronomy", which doesn't - or "graph theory" to "graphology". So the more "ology"-s and science references in a word, the less likely it is to describe anything genuinely scientific.



It is, of course, a notable prediction of this theory that the least scientific idea possible would end up called "Scientology".



Or so I thought! Last night, I discovered there was a movement called "Factology". Obviously this requires further investigation!



According to Wikipedia, Factology, also called Nuwaubianism, is a black supremacist religion based in Georgia and founded by a Mr. Dwight "Malachi" York before he was locked up for child molestation. It believes in an eclectic mix of Bible stories, aliens, and racism. I can't find any mention of exactly how many adherents the religion has, but mentions a few hundred of them living in one of their compounds, and a few famous musicians and such who believe in it, so it seems large enough.



What separates it from other cults with hilarious names and child molesting leaders is its unusual beliefs. Many derive from a process York calls "Sound Right Reasoning", which means that if two words sort of sound alike, you can draw any conclusions whatsoever you want from that. For example, all (presumably non-Nuwaubian) books must be lies, because "library" sounds like "lie-bury".



But surely they don't just randomly draw crazy conclusions based on a few words that sound the same, do they? Well, here's a quote from their Wikipedia article, about "examples of movies with encoded content about the reality of aliens among us": "Yoda… is short for Judah. Freemasons are inspired by one entity and that is a grey, by the name of Yoda. Yoda guides Freemasonry back to Judah, with the ancient Israel masonry. The British "Covenant Of Man" symbolizes the empire striking back. America is the empire fighting to overthrow Europe.… The word Yoda is not an English word as you have been led to believe. Its root word yawdaw appears 111 times in the Old Testament, means "to give thanks or praise, throw down, cast, shoot." The word Yadah meaning, to "to praise, give thanks" stems from the root word Yawdaw and appears only two times in the Old Testament (Daniel 2:23, Daniel 6:10). Not to mention the fact Yoda played in [the film] Return of the Jedi, and the word jedi is the same as yeti, it’s just a matter of a letter, it’s really the same word. Yeti is the name of Sasquatch (Bigfoot), also called Seti which is equivalent to the Extraterrestrials called the Seirians."

So because Yoda sounds like a Bible character, he is the secret leader of Freemasonry. And Obi-Wan Kenobi is a sasquatch. Ho-hum. Surely they can get crazier than that. Let's go on to their discussion of the gnostic demon-god Samael: "Sam is short for one of his titles, Samael, meaning “poison those of EL.” He knows his name. He calls himself Uncle Sam or Dr. Seuss (Zeus) with his famous statement, “Sam I Am, I Am Sam.” This is what they teach the children; not ours however, for they will get right knowledge."

Okay, so Uncle Sam is a gnostic demon, as revealed by Dr. Seuss who is secretly the king of the pagan gods. But can they get even crazier?: "White people were bred to be food, and the "rapture" expected by Christians is really the return of the "raptors" who will dine on the now-ripe delicious white flesh."

o_O

...Did they just say that the Rapture will involve actual raptors?! That's...that's awesome. I would totally watch a movie based on this premise. If this religion thing doesn't work out, Dwight York should go to Hollywood. He's already into child molestation, so he'd have no trouble becoming an Academy Award winning director. And then we could get a Left Behind/Jurassic Park crossover. IT. COULD. HAPPEN.





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But Factology has more than just an entire theology based on puns. It also has false information about white people! "The Caucasoids Has Thinner Skin Than You, Thinner Flank Hair, Lighter Eyes, With No Soul. The Caucasoid Try To Claim That The Only Difference Between A White Man And A Black Man Is The Skin Color, However, The DNA Analysis Which Is Under Your Black Or White Skin, Determines That Under The Skin, The Whole Structure Of These Two Races Are Totally Different."

Awwww, it's like he was going to try to write in ALLCAPS but realized at the last second he wasn't man enough. "The Caucasoid Breath Differently Than The Negroids Do. We As Negroid, Breath In Thru Our Nose, While The Caucasoids Breathe Mostly In Their Mouth. The Caucasoids Are Trying To Intake Your Breath That You Breath Out, Because They Need It To Keep Their Pilot—Lunar Plexus Lit Inside To Try And Re-light Their Central Light."

White people are mouth-breathers who are trying to steal Precious Bodily Fluids? "The Caucasoid Breed In Litters Like Animals, 6 Or 7 At A Time, While Negroids Give Birth To 1 Or 2 Babies At A Time."

Um. Is it possible that Dwight York has lived in the United States his entire life and never actually met a white person?





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Also, here is a list of statements listen on the Wikipedia article as "Other Nuwaubian Beliefs": It is important to bury the afterbirth so that Satan does not use it to make a duplicate of the recently-born child

I TOLD YOU the placenta was evil! Each of us has seven clones. Clones are in tune with each other unconsciously and linked etherically, which means anything that happens to you the cloned counterparts of you feels also. For instance you may feel a sharp pain, for no apparent reason like your hand may feel like it has been cut and that is because your clones hand may have been. You can have an emotional break down out of the "clear blue sky" because one of your counterparts did. For instance me, I have had smoke come out of my mouth, it was a strange tobacco, for no apparent reason. It turned out my duplicate in Tibet smokes and the smoke came through me. I do not smoke anything.

"...you've got to believe me, Officer." Nikola Tesla was a Venusian

I endorse this belief. The pig was created by [Egyptian architect] Imhotep

Which is why, even to this day, all pigs are pyramidal in shape. The Illuminati have nurtured a child, Satan's son, who was born on 6 June 1966 at the Dakota House on 72nd Street in New York to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis of the Rothschild/Kennedy families. The Pope was present at the birth and performed necromantic ceremonies. The child was raised by former U.S. president Richard Nixon.

I KNEW that Nixon was up to no good! Some aborted fetuses survive their abortion to live in the sewers, where they are being gathered and organized to take over the world.

This is actually the most terrifying thing I've ever heard. I would say someone should write a horror story based on this, but I would never be able to sleep again.



I tried to get more information off of the cult's own website, but I can't shake the belief that it was written by a Japanese speaker with only a medium level of English-proficiency. It looks exactly like the sort of thing some of my students in Japan would write for their assignments, right up to the odd use of "let's": Our Savior, Dr. Malachi Z. York, let’s unite in the facts he constantly receives, writes & speaks. He is the author of the scrolls mentioned on this website, unless noted otherwise. He’s not claiming to be “Christ,” and even wrote a book entitled, I Don’t Claim To Be (it’s out of print).



They said cult he said culture. They said believe, he said be lying to Eve’s seed. They said theology he said factology. He’s been teaching for over 30 years by writing over 360 books on every subject under and over the Sun (think about that). Tapes of his lectures called “True Light” have broadcast all over the country and books have been translated for others worldwide. Undisputable Facts!

The site ends by asking: How right does a man have to be before you accept his divinity?



I feel confident saying this is a question that will continue to go unanswered for a long, long time.





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But I can't help but wonder. Mr. York has made his living by applying the principle of "find secret meanings in words" to the works of others. What happens if we try to apply that principle to his own writing? "York has claimed to be an extraterrestrial master teacher from the hypothetical planet Rizq. York wrote, 'We have been coming to this planet before it had your life form on it. In order to get here I travelled by one of the smaller passenger crafts called SHAM.'"

...ah, forget it, it'd be like shooting fish in a barrel.