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News this week of Wal-Mart’s attempts to help out its employees by way of canned food donated by other Wal-Mart employees was met with sharp criticism. Instead of paying their employees a wage that wouldn’t require the assistance of their other underpaid staff, Wal-Mart decided to guilt trip — er appeal to the kindness of — the employees who by some obvious oversight have been allowed to see their wages increase to the level where they can afford to chip in a can of tomato soup or tuna to their fellow “associates.” However, what they didn’t realize is that in doing so, they were putting those employees who donated food in a predicament of their own, since after all they are Wal-Mart employees as well and their wages are scientifically calculated by Wal-Mart’s patented Avarice 5000 Wage Computation computer system, developed to keep each employee’s wage at the perfect level to ensure maximum profit, regardless of any other factors.

When those Wal-Mart associates who donated food came to their bosses asking for more hours to make up for the food costs they took on in donating to their less fortunate co-workers, the executives knew exactly what to do. Speaking at a press conference at their Ft. Willow Branch, OH location, Wal-Mart spokesman Robert Gluttin announced the creation of a new charity that would be aimed at helping the less fortunate Wal-Mart employees who helped the somehow even more less fortunate Wal-Mart employees. “Wal-Mart is all about doing whatever it takes to make sure our labor automatons are treated just well enough to keep laboring, and not form a revolt against their corporate overlords. We sell guns, for Christ’s sake. Therefore, it is with great pride that we announce the creation of the ‘Help Those Who Helped Others Even Though They Really Couldn’t Afford It But They Clearly Have Bigger and More Compassionate Hearts Than Any Executive This Corporate Juggernaut Has’ charity drive,” said Gluttin.

Starting next week, Wal-Mart employees will have the option of donating any percentage of their paycheck they desire and take the balance on Wal-Mart gift cards, provided the sum left over is enough to cover the cost of the plastic on the card. In the event it isn’t, charitable Wal-Mart donors can take the balance in non-legal tender Wal-Bucks that can be used to purchase anything in the store other than food, toiletries, clothing, books, electronics, or non-firearm related sporting goods. “Wal-Mart is dedicated to helping our employees get the food they need, just as long as it doesn’t take a dime out of our executives pockets. This new charity for those who gave to our last charity shows that commitment is real and true.”

UPDATE: After being reminded by Terry Walmart, the current Assistant to the Chief Financial Officer of Wal-Mart, that there was already a system in place to help the truly needy among the Wal-Mart work force, the Help Those Who Helped Others Even Though They Really Couldn’t Afford It But They Clearly Have Bigger and More Compassionate Hearts Than Any Executive This Corporate Juggernaut Has charity program was shut down in favor of the already existing system: Food stamps and other social welfare programs paid for by the taxpayers, which includes Wal-Mart employees.