DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re reserving every morning from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. for fuckwits who lack the common sense not to get right up behind a stranger and breathe into their ear,” said CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted that the research shows the dipshit population is at particularly high risk of being infected, and encouraged any non-distancing moron interested in contracting or spreading the virus to take advantage of these special time slots. “If you want to pass someone but can’t process the idea of using another aisle or waiting for two fucking seconds, then come on in. Slobbering dolts incapable of following simple CDC guidelines can feel free to lumber around our aisles coughing all over the frozen corn dogs and touching their dumb fucking faces at these times. We’ve prepared our stores by marking out the check out lanes in 6-foot increments for shit-for-brains to blow straight through. Help yourself to any merchandise you like, because our sales associates won’t be sticking around.” At press time, Pessina added that if any knuckle-dragging dumbfucks wanted to die in their stores, then that’s fine too.

Advertisement