Think for one second about all the TV you don’t watch – home renovation reality shows, dramatic re-enactments of obscure civil war battles, bass fishing highlights, and whatever the hell Freeform is. There’s just not enough time in the day to consume every TV show. Then there’s the shows that you not only won’t watch, but you literally can’t watch. These are the failed pilots, the little lost three-legged puppies of Hollywood. They get buried in an abandoned missile silo or melted down and turned into episodes of The Big Bang Theory. But what if, for one shining moment, we could imagine a world where these shows not only exist, but they thrive? This is what I have done for five genuine unsold pilots that sound the least appealing. For your pleasure, I have charted out a path forward for these shows.

Spark

Edison light bulbs, popular hipster staple but completely useless in Spark. Photograph: DeRailleur/GuardianWitness

Try, if you might, to imagine a world in which no one invented electricity. All of your gadgets are powered by fossil fuels. So, I guess your smartphone needs a portable furnace attached to it, which seems very practical. That’ll fit in your pocket. Two families fight for control of the energy infrastructure of the planet … until a young girl invents electricity. Considering I have not seen this pilot and know nothing about it, I must assume that this girl (who I will call Tabitha, unless told otherwise) is not only spunky, but also a bit of a misfit. You see, Tabitha is an orphan, preferably from the wrong side of the tracks. Her father should, ideally, be a coalminer himself. He should also be suffering from the black lung, which pushes her to inventing a cleaner source of energy. There are betrayals, lots of tame, broadcast TV sex scenes where people grind on each other while wearing overalls, and a special guest appearance by 3rd Rock from the Sun star French Stewart as Nikola Tesla. In the final episode, climate change occurs at an accelerated rate and the entire planet drowns under the rising tide of the oceans, revealing that this had been a prequel to the movie Waterworld the entire time.

The Kicker

Traumatic brain injury need not be an impediment to solving crimes, albeit tedious ones. Photograph: Jeremy Brevard/USA Today Sports

It’s about a football kicker who gets cut from his team and tries to fit into the real world. The gag here is that he’s a bit crazy, so he has a hard time relating to other people. In my version of this pilot, the poor bastard learns that he can’t function in the real world because he has a traumatic brain injury and sues the National Football League for millions of dollars. His intrepid lawyer is portrayed by Casey Affleck (because Ben Foster said no) and NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is played by a box of instant mashed potatoes (also because Ben Foster said no). The twist here is that each week, Affleck and his football player friend solve crimes. Mostly petty offenses like a stolen purse or a guy who waters his lawn on Tuesdays instead of legally mandated Thursdays. The show goes on for longer than even Law & Order did, as the procedural element allows for multiple cast changes – so many, in fact, that future generations will not even know why the show is called The Kicker, as the football aspect gets dropped after five seasons once football is outlawed by President Chelsea Clinton.

Furst Born

You were born to drag racers and consequently have won 57th place in the lottery of life. Photograph: David Sillitoe/The Guardian

Based on an Australian TV series, Furst Born tells the story of a woman who learns she was adopted and that her birth parents are drag racers. I’m struggling to see the dramatic (or comedic) potential here. Was there a fishbowl full of professions the parents could have and some poor sap happened to draw “drag racers”? What other options were there? Podiatrist? Soapmaker? Cheesemonger? Suicide assistant? Journalist? Also, drag races are not particularly engaging to watch, as they’re over in a few seconds. We’re going to really have to spice things up on this one. I’d suggest they fight crime with their drag racing cars, but I already used that one for The Kicker. I don’t believe anyone’s ever thought about this, though. What if the drag racing cars … turned into robots? They’re actually aliens from another planet that came to Earth in the guise of automobiles – the perfect disguise.

Zoobiquity

Help! It’s the hair bear bunch – when experimental inter-species medical treatment goes wrong … Photograph: Vitaly Nevar/Tass

A cardiologist teams up with a veterinarian to cure exotic diseases by blending human and animal medicines. This is based on a nonfiction book by Barbara Natterson-Horowitz and Kathryn Bowers, so even if it sounds stupid, it’s based in some semblance of real science. Still, I can’t help but picture someone being fed the pills meant for a baboon or a gorilla popping Viagra. I’d rather die than take the same drugs you’d give my dog for giardia. This would be a better show if instead of real science informing fake TV stories, they go full Island of Dr Moreau and spice animals with people. Again, I gotta go for the crime-fighting angle. I’m thinking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles meets Moonlighting or Castle. More specifically, I see a young cardiologist teaming up with a zebra. At first, there’s some tension. The cardiologist plays it by the book, but the zebra is a damned hothead, consistently bending the letter of the law to get the job done. It’s a classic odd couple, in that one is a strait-laced doctor and the other is literally a horse with stripes.

The Fluffy Shop

Gabriel Iglesias, far right, and the rest of the Magic Mike cast share a laugh over the thought of The Fluffy Shop. Photograph: Allstar/Warner Bros

Comedian Gabriel Iglesias stars as himself in a semi-autobiographical sitcom about a comedian named Gabriel Iglesias. Contrary to popular belief, the Fluffy Shop is not a fetish outlet for furries, like it is in my version. Mr Iglesias works the counter at a store that sells only furry outfits and furry accessories. It’s not the ideal job, but he has to pay the bills while he struggles to make his dreams of comedy stardom come true. Eventually, he has the brilliant idea to host a weekly standup show in the store. Boy is there a wacky cast of characters who show up each week. Think of Cheers, but substitute alcoholics for people who like to have sex through layers of synthetic hair. It’s a real shame that no one will ever see this show, as I’m sure they jam-packed the pilot with more dunderheaded fat jokes than anyone else in the history of television, until the upcoming season finale of Kevin Can Wait.