A Call to Courage

Dealing with grief and fear in the time of Coronavirus

A palpable sense of anxiety grips the world as the Coronavirus spreads and country after country undergoes a lockdown. Fear threatens to overwhelm us as we realize that the social & economic fallout is out of our control. If we are to avoid panic and navigate this crisis successfully, it is crucial to focus on what we can control and address the psychological fallout. A recent HBR interview with David Kessler, a leading expert on grief, helps illustrate how.

Kessler says perhaps the best thing we could do for our psychological wellbeing is to acknowledge and name what we are feeling. Not struggle against our feelings, but to accept them. It is a tough time and these feelings of fear and anxiety are natural. It is healthier to let ourselves feel them than trying to escape them.

And once we allow ourselves to feel these emotions instead of suppressing them, a wonderful thing happens- acceptance of the emotion empowers us to overcome it.

Allow me to illustrate with the help of some examples from the interview.

Naming our fears

The uncertainty about the future weighs heavily on our minds. How bad will the fallout be? We do not know. How exactly will this change the world? We do not know. How will we deal? We do not know. There is so much that we do not know. And not knowing makes us afraid.

But it isn’t just fear that we are feeling, but also grief- as Kessler explains further. And it isn’t just grief about what is happening now, but also anticipatory grief- grief about what might come to pass.

As the virus spreads, we imagine the worst case scenario- loved ones dying, us losing our job or our business and struggling to provide for us and our family. We grieve for the loss of all that we hoped this year would bring.

The fragility of our lives and our world has been laid bare and we are reeling from the blow. We try to block these feelings, escape them somehow but that doesn’t help- the fear and grief do not loosen their grip.

So what we must do instead is stop resisting and sit with our fear. We must allow ourselves to first feel it and then look deep into its heart. Fear robs us of our ability to think clearly and cripples us. But once we look deeply into our fear, we realize that while this crisis would surely present overwhelming circumstances for some, many of us are not nearly as powerless in the face of it as our fear leads us to believe. In a time tested technique, the article also suggests that thinking through the fear can help us alleviate it.

Thinking through our fears

The exercise is simple, though not necessarily easy to implement- imagine how your fear will play out and seek evidence from the real world to see if it matches your imagination.

Fear: I am afraid that my parents are old and Coronavirus can prove fatal to them.

Counter: But there is a lockdown & we are indoors- it is unlikely to get us here. As long as we follow the advisory & maintain hygiene the worst will not come to pass.

Fear: I am worried that supply chains will break down and there will be a widespread shortage of food, medicine and other essentials.

Counter: But the government has announced measures to address this- the grocery, vegetable & medicine shops are open. Other countries have had lockdowns before mine. And while it has been hard, really hard, people are coming together and they are managing to slowly, but surely, make headway. And in the case of China, lives are slowly even beginning to get back to normal.

As you do this exercise, you will often find that your mind is ignoring reality and only focusing on imagined worst cases.

Preparing for the aftermath

While this exercise helps ease fears about the present, it alone is not enough to get rid of anxiety about the aftermath. For a lot of us, this anxiety takes the following form- “Even if I and everyone I love survive this, the economy has taken a terrible hit- what if I don’t have a job at the end of all this? What do I do then?” This isn’t an unfounded worry. The economic toll is likely to be heavy & it will take time to recover from the setback. It is a hard truth. But difficult to swallow as it is, this too we must accept if we are to do something about it.

We can take some comfort from the fact that we are all in this together and governments across the globe are already taking measures to shore up the economy. But more importantly, we can comfort ourselves by realizing that hard though the future may turn out to be, we can prepare for what is to come.

We do not have to be victims of this crisis. We can act to meet this challenge. We can treat it as an opportunity to grow and emerge from it stronger and better.

If you are reading this article, then you are likely well educated, have a decent standard of living and access to internet & other basic amenities in life. It is also likely, especially for those without young kids, that the lockdown has bestowed upon you an unexpected gift- the gift of time. Time that you perhaps do not know what to do with. Social media abounds with examples of what you could do, but let me reiterate anyway.

You can use this time to introspect. Perhaps life wasn’t going the way you wanted even before this happened. Perhaps there are things you really want to do, but have been putting off. Perhaps you are tired of your current job and the endless pursuit of money and want to do something more meaningful with your life. Perhaps you have been too afraid to make a change. Perhaps there are uncomfortable questions you have been too afraid to ask yourself. You can use this crisis as impetus to ask them and chart a course to a more fulfilling life.

You can use this time to develop skills that you otherwise wanted to but never had the time to- code, write, paint, cook, play an instrument or whatever else. There are numerous free resources on the internet to learn anything and everything under the sun. One of these skills might just open up an additional income stream or a new job opportunity. Or it might give you the edge to survive in a tougher economy.

You can use this time to read. There is infinite wisdom in books. Thoughts of some of the greatest minds who have walked this earth are available at your finger tips. What you learn might help you deal with these times better and maybe even propel you to greatness yourself.

You can use this time to work on your fitness. If there is one thing that the virus has made us all acutely aware of, it is our mortality. It is up to us to use this awareness as a gift to treat our bodies better and never take our health for granted again. Being healthier would allow you to work harder should the times ahead demand it.

You can use this time to be closer to your family. Cherish every moment, because as we now know too acutely- our time here is limited. It will make your life more satisfying and give you a reservoir of strength for the challenge ahead.

You can use this time to practice compassion and gratitude. Because there are those for who the crisis raises existential questions and you are fortunate to not be one of them- the household help, the taxi & auto drivers, the daily wage labourer and countless more. Much of what I have written here will not help them because they are not fortunate enough. But you possibly can lend them a helping hand. It will make you feel more connected and help you grow as a person.

None of what I am saying here is new, but am hoping a reminder will help- repetition doesn’t spoil the prayer after all. And we will need repetition and reminders. Overcoming this grief and fear is not a one time process. These feelings will come in waves over time, some days worse than the others. Every time it happens, I hope you will be able to allow yourself to feel the emotion, sit with it and then overcome it. Using this time to start a meditation practice can make this process easier.

I know none of what I have said above is easy. But taking these actions will not only make you better prepared for the future, but also allow you to take back control of your life. It will empower you.

It will be easy to give into despair instead of hoping. It will be easy to give into hedonism instead of improving. It will be easy to build walls & look after just our own interests rather than give each other a helping hand. Doing the opposite will require courage, lots of it. And though the reward of that courage will be great personal growth and a better, brighter, more hopeful world- can we find it in the face of so much uncertainty? The question is perhaps best answered by George R R Martin in A Game of Thrones. Early in the book the following exchange takes place between Bran and Ned Stark:

“Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”, asks Bran

“That is the only time a man can be brave”,replies Ned Stark.

Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones

Courage is not an absence of fear. Courage is not an inherent quality. Courage is a choice. Courage is feeling the fear, but acting anyway. Remember this when the events of the coming weeks threaten to overwhelm you. Remember that while you can’t control how the world will change, you can choose how you react- you can choose to be brave.