“I heard about your hysterectomy. Was it planned or were you totally surprised? More importantly, how does your husband feel about it?

“I’m sorry your food poisoning is causing you to vomit every hour on the hour, but you don’t need to be so dramatic about it. You’re not the first person to have food poisoning. We still need you to come into work.”

“Your beer gut is really coming along. Can I touch it?”

“Call me as soon as you head to the hospital for your colonoscopy! I want to sit in the waiting room so I can be the first one to see the video when it’s over.”

“You’re getting a pacemaker? You don’t need a pacemaker. That’s not how we used to do it. Back in my day, people just died from their heart problems — and those of us who didn’t turned out just fine!”

“It says here your doctor wants you to take six months off work to recover from your heart attack. We’ll give you six weeks.”

“I’m sure your inflamed appendix is uncomfortable, but per our company’s medical leave policy, you have to continue working until the moment it actually erupts.”

“The incision from your knee surgery looks like it’s causing you some serious discomfort. Can I touch it?”

“Why are you complaining about your unbearable gallstone pain? You should feel lucky. Some people don’t even have gallbladders. They would kill to be in your shoes. This is a magical time, enjoy it.”