Bohemian Rhapsody Porn Parody Closer to Real Story

MONTREAL — Adult entertainment company Brazzers’ Blowhemian Rhapsody, a “porn parody” of the Academy Award-winning Queen biopic Bohemian Rhapsody, is being hailed by fans and critics alike as a more accurate depiction of Freddie Mercury’s life and a more legitimate biopic.

“Listen, Freddie was a party boy,” commented esteemed film critic Mara Shaw. “That watered-down Hollywood flick makes it seem like he was hiding his sexuality or something, but the porn version has him putting his ‘Prince of the Universe’ in anything that moves — fat bottomed boys and girls! The coke and booze-fueled orgies of adult entertainment were a nightly event for Mr. Mercury, and I was elated to see the director really go for it.”

Prolific Brazzers executive producer Thicc Umstreem, fresh off his 327th feature of the month, was set on injecting historical accuracy into his latest opus — so much so that he cleared his schedule for two full days to research Freddie’s life before writing the screenplay.

“As soon as I heard they were doing a movie about Freddie, I already knew exactly what would happen,” said Umstreem. “Freddie is a hero of mine. Not so much for being a prolific songwriting master, or for his virtuosic vocal abilities… but because he could rage so hard, and bang literally anyone and anything, all day and all night. I knew they’d leave that out of the film — and I knew I absolutely had to put it all into MY film.”

Indeed, Blowhemian Rhapsody may be the most ambitious film made by the renowned hardcore porn distributors.

“We actually went to Wembley Stadium to get the aura of Live Aid to get inspired,” chimed in Umstreem’s production assistant Rim Zaddy. “Just smelling that air, seeing the view from the AirBnB down the street from the stadium… it really inspired all six pages of our script. And that’s saying a lot, since we normally don’t write a script at all — let alone six whole pages.”

“Having [protagonist] Heady Mercury — born Farcock Ballsara — riding so many ‘bicycles’ throughout really gave a new life to a beautiful and inspiring story entirely mishandled by the mainstream,” agreed Umstreem.

Building on their success, Brazzers have reportedly teamed up with fellow porn producers PornHub to outdo Hollywood again by donating all proceeds of Blowhemian Rhapsody to a charity for AIDS research.