FUN AND GAMES IN SOUTH AMERICA DEPT

It was on. Then it was delayed. Then it was further delayed. Then it was postponed. Then it was rescheduled. Then it was postponed again. On Tuesday, it will be rescheduled again. Unless it’s cancelled instead. In much the same way that Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot was famously described by a critic as a play in which nothing happens … twice, the weekend’s Superclásico to end all Superclásicos could go down in football lore as the Copa Libertadores final second leg in which nothing has so far happened twice and could continue to happen repeatedly for the foreseeable future.

With the score between Boca Juniors and River Plate poised at 2-2 (without an away goals rule but very much with one for away fans) after the first leg, the tie was on a knife-edge going into Saturday’s second leg at River’s Monumental Stadium. Unfortunately, and to nobody’s huge surprise, an attack on Boca’s bus as it made its way to the stadium left several players feeling nauseous and unable to breathe due to the effects of teargas, while three others had to visit hospital to get treatment on cuts caused by flying shards of smithereened window. Eventually rescheduled for the next day after no end of inexplicable faff, the final was once again postponed three hours before kick-off due to general and more specific elf’n’safety concerns.

“This is not football. It’s not what any of us want,” wailed Conmebol president Alejandro Domínguez. “This is not the Argentina we love, we know, it’s not the majority. This is not Argentinian society, these are misfits. We have to use this time to give a good sign to the world we can do things well,” he added, swinging the door of a nearby stable shut long after its previous occupant had galloped over the horizon.

What happens next is anyone’s guess, but South America does need a champion to represent it in the Club World Cup which begins on 12 December. Idle speculation suggests the second leg could be played behind closed doors or in a different country, with the Italian city of Genoa quick out of the blocks to throw their Gaucho hat in the ring. Alternatively, the match might just be abandoned, while Boca striker Carlos Tevez has pointed out that when his club’s fans misbehaved in similar but less high profile circumstances in 2015, the team was unceremoniously turfed out of the competition.

Whatever happens, the outcome is almost certain to be hugely anticlimactic following the farcical events of a weekend in which Argentinian football didn’t so much shoot itself in the foot on the global stage, as repeatedly blast itself in both feet with a pair of six-shooters. An investigation will now get under way to figure out why it was beyond the wit of all involved to make sure this final to end all finals could actually begin.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Rob Smyth for hot Burnley 0-0 Newcastle MBM action at 8pm GMT.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we face up to it. I hope my story can inspire other people at difficult times in their life” – Gianluca Vialli reveals he is “doing very well” and is in remission from cancer after undergoing eight months of chemotherapy and six weeks of radiotherapy. “It’s been a year and I’m back to having a strong physique. But I still have no certainty of how this match will end,” he added.

Good luck Gianluca! Photograph: Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Football Weekly will be in this general vicinity.

SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN

Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.

FIVER LETTERS (NOBLE FRANCIS EDITION)

“As terrible as the scenes were on Saturday and Sunday night (me desperately trying to find something to do as the River vs Boca game was postponed twice that is), it’s still not as farcical as the Argentinian Football Association holding an election of 75 people for two candidates and ending up with 38 votes each” – Noble Francis.

“It’s great to see the Republic of Ireland rehire Mick McCarthy although it is a pity that they didn’t go further back in time and reappoint Jack Charlton as it would have been a great opportunity to bring these back” – Noble Francis (curious that the company involved is called Noble Ceramics – Fiver Ed.)

“Talking of referees [Fivers passim] – in the 70s, when playing Old Boys football in the Arthurian League, their centre-half for the fourth or fifth time, fouled our centre-forward when clear on goal. We appealed to the referee to send him off. He blew his whistle, called our captain over to explain and said: ‘I’m best man at his wedding next week, how can I send him off?’” – Patrick Fuller.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can tweet The Fiver for a very short time, as that account is shutting down. You’ll always be able to get in touch by tweeting @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Patrick Fuller (obviously).

BITS AND BOBS

Andrés Iniesta has blamed José Mourinho for somehow finding a way of injecting a dose of his cheery magic into the Spain camp. “The Barça-Madrid tension caused by Mourinho did much damage to the national team,” parped Iniesta.

Weird science dept: Luis Suárez is expected to be back in two weeks after undergoing stem cell treatment on right knee-knack.

Unai Emery made Eddie Howe’s Bournemouth sound like Big Sam’s Bolton, circa 2006-07, by suggesting he dropped Mesut Özil for Arsenal’s 2-1 win over the Cherries because it was “a very demanding match with physicality and intensity.”

Ruff and tuff. Photograph: Graham Hunt/ProSports/Rex/Shutterstock

And just like The Fiver, Eden Hazard hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing next. “I can’t see myself leaving in January. I wouldn’t do that to the club, to the fans,” he blathered. “If I don’t extend, it [a move] is possible. Next summer it’s a possibility, but it’s also possible that I spend the rest of my career at Chelsea.”

STILL WANT MORE?

OK, he might play too many computer games and have questionable bouts of stomach ache, but Ousmane Dembélé has a knack for scoring vital goals, cheers Sid Lowe.

Genoa and Sampdoria gave a wounded city a brief window of escape in the Derby della Lanterna, writes Paolo Bandini.

Rachel Brown-Finnis reviews the latest round of Women’s Super League games.

Composite? Composite. Composite: Getty Images

Ed Aarons encourages clubs to go on a bargain hunt by highlighting the Premier League players whose contracts are up next summer. Go on Rafa, get stuck in.

Dodi Lukebakio sent Fortuna Düsseldorf into “pure ecstasy” against brittle Bayern, whoops Andy Brassell to the backing track of a 90s piano loop.

It’s a bumper SWMs isn’t it? Here’s your 10 talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action and here’s some lovely pics in The Dozen, including Trent Alexander-Arnold looking like an octopus.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!