“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle,” a phrase coined by Australian activist Irina Dunn in 1970 and commonly attributed to Gloria Steinem, expressed a primary goal of second-wave feminism: female independence. Liberal feminists of that era, including Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem, spoke of men as partners and potential allies, not enemies and oppressors. Their kind of feminism wasn’t about rejecting men entirely; it was about freeing women to live without them (or, for those who wanted men in their lives, to enjoy their company on equal terms). Men were nice to have around, if you were straight and found a good one, but come the revolution, no woman would have to stick with a bad one out of economic, social or emotional necessity. Today’s feminist rhetoric seems to have shifted from a focus on self-empowerment to a few-good-men mentality. Men are not only not the enemy; they’re our last, best hope. According to Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In,” “the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.” Last year Xerox CEO Ursula Burns advised ambitious women to “Marry someone 20 years older.” And according to at least one feminist nonprofit, “Men ... have a critical role to play in creating inclusive workplaces … Without the avid support of men, who are arguably the most powerful group of stakeholders in most large corporations, significant progress toward ending gender disparities is unlikely.” Women who aspire to positions of power are today advised to marry well, not advocate for themselves too forcefully and garner the support of powerful men. This isn’t bad advice: Having a partner does make it easier to devote yourself to work; you are likelier to advance as a woman or minority if you’re not seen as a pushy whiner, and currying favor with men in power probably helps more than it hurts (unless you’re perceived as sleeping your way to the top). But relying on a man for money and power, whether he’s your husband or a senior executive at your company, is not a bold feminist act. It may or may not leave individual women stronger, but it leaves women as a group weaker.

Life partners

Writer Gloria Steinem in 1965. Yale Joel / The Life Picture Collection / Getty Images Few would deny that it’s best to select a mate with care and that life is easier and more enjoyable with a good one. But are men really feminism’s missing ingredient? A recent Ipsos poll found that 48 percent of men in 15 developed countries self-identify as feminists when the term is defined as “someone who advocates and supports equal opportunities for women.” At first glance, this is encouraging. But that figure includes men who only “somewhat” support equal opportunities for women, as well as those who “very much” support such opportunities. Depending on how flexible you think the word “feminist” is, you could see this as evidence that egalitarian men abound. Or you could note that only 14 percent of men polled were “very much” in favor of equality, while 34 percent were only “somewhat” in favor. This means women who hope to succeed with an egalitarian partner by their side have only a small fraction of that 14 percent to choose from after discounting those who are too young or too old or are uninterested in dating women. It’s at best unhelpful and at worst patronizing and insensitive to instruct women to mate wisely — a modern spin on advice from the bad old days to marry up. The problem isn’t that ambitious women don’t want supportive partners. Everyone knows it’s easier to have a career if you also have a wife. The problem is that the pool of men who unequivocally support equality (and are willing to do for their wives what wives have traditionally done for their husbands) is shallow. Sheryl Sandberg wouldn’t be where she is today without the support of her lovely husband. PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi has been described as lucky that her husband was willing to share parenting and household duties. Clearly, it’s still considered a stroke of luck when men are willing to look after their own children and buy milk for their own cereal. And that doesn’t seem likely to change anytime soon.

It is disingenuous to pretend that men have as much to gain from feminism as women.

By women, for women