NICK SABAN: Ah, another hard day of running America’s most consistently successful college football program. Time for my one scheduled period of relaxation; sitting in the dark and reading only the problem parts of advice columns.

[quietly reading]

SABAN: Heh. These people have problems.

[knock at door]

SABAN: Darnit, I told Locksley to leave me alone when I’m in my special time. [opens door]

LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I represent the interests of the greatest basketball player of all time, and I am suing you for unlicensed appropriation of my client’s intellectual property. You see, my client-

SABAN: Oh, I’d already heard. LeBron James is suing me after we released our Shop Talk video, which he claims closely mirrors his own production, The Shop, and now he wants us to stop airing ours, well-

LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I represent the interests of Michael Jordan.

SABAN: I thought you said you represented the greatest basketball player of all time.

LAWYER: [indignant] I do! Mr. Jordan won six titles, which-

SABAN: LeBron never had a second option as good as Scottie Pippen, and when you look at the longevity and durability he’s displayed, along with the level of competition today,

LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I think the writer of this post is getting distracted and inserting his own personal agenda into this scene, while losing the initial thread of humor he was going for. Now, we expect damages for your unlicensed use of Mr. Jordan’s image and persona.

SABAN: What are you talking about? All of our uses of Nike imagery are sanctioned, and-

LAWYER: [reading] It says here that you’ve had a Hall of Fame career placing you among the all-time greats in your sport, but that you had an inexplicable two-year diversion in the middle that could’ve derailed the whole thing.

SABAN: Ah.

LAWYER: We’ll see you in court.

SABAN: [attempts to sit back down] Now, for some peace and quie-

NEW LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I represent the interests of one Sam Hinkie, former general manager of the NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers, and demand that you cease any and all references to “Process” and/or “THE Process”, lest we be forced to pursue injunctive relief.

SABAN: What? I was using “the process” as a meaningless catchphrase long before they were, and-

NEW LAWYER: Mr. Saban, have you ever been to Philadelphia? You don’t know what these people are capable of.

SABAN: Tell them to come find me.

[the lawyer has not even departed before another enters]

NEW LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I represent the interests of one William Stephen Belichick, and he demands that you cease at once any further use of his “joylessly successful Croatian-American football coach” persona, or-

SABAN: You tell Bill to kiss my ass, I know where his bodies are buried.

LAWYER: Mr. Saban -

SABAN: That’s not a turn of phrase, I mean, literal bodies. Now get out of here, I’m trying to-

NEW LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I represent the interests of Academy Award-winning film director Guillermo del Toro, for impinging on his intellectual property, namely the 2013 film Pacific Rim, wherein [reading] the Kaiju, colossal sea monsters which have emerged from an inter-dimensional portal on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean-

SABAN: This about Raekwon Davis?

LAWYER: Yes it is.

SABAN: I really see him as more of a Golem, but-

LAWYER: I also represent the interests of the producers of the 1998 Gwyneth Paltrow film Sliding Doors, wherein it was demonstrated that a single second can have an incredible impact on one’s life, and-

SABAN: [pushing him out door] Alright, c’mon, go.

LAWYER: [struggling] It’s about the 2013 Iron Bowl, you see

SABAN: [pushing door shut] THAT WAS ALREADY CLEAR, DON’T OVERSELL THE JOKE

[Saban sits back down] Finally.

[phone rings]

SABAN: Hello?

VOICE: Mr. Saban, I represent the producers of the 2017 animated film The Boss Baby, which [snickering]

SABAN: I recognize your voice, Lane.

LANE KIFFIN: BABABOOEY BABABOOEY [hangs up]

ASSISTANT [over intercom]: Coach Saban, I have US Soccer on line one

SABAN: Tell them I had kicking problems long before they did!

[he slumps back in his chair]

SABAN: This is the price of success. You work and you scrape and you build something truly special, and everyone else wants to take credit for it. It’s ridiculous. Everything I’ve done is of my own doing. I haven’t stolen anything from anyone.

[knock on door]

SABAN: FINE. WHAT? COME IN.

LAWYER: Mr. Saban, I am pursuing a class action lawsuit on behalf of the Atlanta Falcons, Atlanta Braves, Atlanta Hawks and numerous other professional and amateur sports teams in the state of Georgia. It says here that on January 8th, 2018, you broke the hearts of Georgia fans in a creatively stunning fashion, which-

SABAN: How much do they want?