Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump this morning conducted a press conference to adamantly deny any and all allegations of Russian collusion, which have been bubbling to the political surface in recent weeks as Bob Mueller’s special investigation has seemed to close in and around the inner-most ranks of the Trump Administration.

As an indication of Trump’s precarious situation, Trump allies such as Breitbart News and Fox News have increased their fervor in claiming the FBI is merely conducting a witch hunt via Bob Mueller’s special investigation. Meanwhile, Trump’s repeated promises that there was no collusion during the election are every day growing more absurd.

Trump took to the podium with the fiercely crossed arms of a toddler in a tantrum.

“No collusion,” explained Mr. Trump when asked about Mueller’s coming interviews with Steve Bannon and Trump himself. “No collusion. I don’t know the Russians, they don’t know me—if there were Russians in this room right now, I wouldn’t be able to pick any of them out. No money, no deals, no—the real collusion is with Hillary. No one gives me credit—none of you fake news will ever admit it—but I was the better candidate. I was probably the best candidate who ever ran for president. No one believed, and I beat them all. You know, no one knows this, but I had the biggest electoral college victory since Eisenhower. So no collusion. I didn’t need the Russians, okay? So there’s no collusion—this is a witch hunt. And it doesn’t matter I asked McCabe about who he voted for? I don’t even remember that. If McCabe was sitting here in the room right now, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. I probably only met him, maybe, one time in my life. Maybe two times. The only thing I’m worried about is fairness, okay? I just want fairness. I’m a fair guy, and I want the FBI to be fair. But I’m a fighter, and so that’s what I do—I fight. I don’t think the FBI is being fair, so I’m gonna fight back. That’s what I do for America. I fight for you. And the economy is great. Never been higher. The fake news doesn’t talk about that. Yeah, no collusion. None. Best candidate. Why don’t you write about that? Stop being unfair. And—seriously—the women in this room, maybe show a little more cleavage. God, it’s like you don’t want better ratings. Hey, just friendly advice from the ratings king. I get the best ratings, which is why the fake news loves me—shoulda got an Emmy for The Apprentice though. The Emmys are all politics, rigged for years. Too many people are just unfair to me. My approval rating—the real one, not your fake ones from NPR and nerdy mathematicians—is like the high eighties. Why don’t you report on that? And not many people know this, but I’m much more successful than my father ever was—”

From there the President rambled on about his father for another fifteen minutes in a stream of consciousness that sometimes brought him to the precipice of tears in his eyes, but the audience wondered what any of that had to do with proving there was no collusion.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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