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VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Perhaps in an attempt to quell growing furor over comments he made, pleading with the LGBTQ community to limit their sexual practices to “just handies and blowies,” televangelist Pat Robertson took to his podcast today, and apologized before making an addendum to his pleas.

Earlier this week, on the very same podcast, Robertson rankled civil rights groups when he said he “couldn’t just sit back” and “watch God punish” America with a hurricane without telling “The Gays it’s prolly all their faults.” In an effort to clear the air and move forward, Robertson apologized for those and other remarks, before adding that he’d gotten a chance to “chat with God” again, and God provided some clarity to Mr. Robertson.

“Folks, I’m afraid I may have stuck my foot in my mouth when I told The Gays they could only put peeners in theirs,” Robertson said, his voice full of contrition. “I should really stop speaking for God, because he got a little peeved at me when I called him up this week. Said I had misunderstood completely, and as a result of that conversation, I’m pleased to announce that God’s probably okay with rimming and outer-play, too.”



Robertson paused a moment.

“So you can add those things to the roster of sex acts for which God will never smite us with hurricanes in punishment for committing,” Robertson said. “I would still caution strongly about penetration, though. We didn’t get into it specifically, but you know, just to be on the safe side, Fam.”

Rev. Robertson explained that the way he interprets the Bible, coupled with personal conversations he’s had with God, gave him a “new perspective” on homosexuality, and he’s coined a term he thinks would best summarize God’s feelings on the subject.

“God would just prefer it if y’all had an ‘On, Not In’ policy,” Robertson said. “Just ’til hurricane season is over, you understand? Then you can go back to sodomizing yourself all the way down into the depths of hell with as much penetration as your devious little hearts can stand, thanks to, somehow, the same God that I say hates your natural state, giving you the ability to choose to do what makes you feel truly loved and special.”

Robertson paused again.

“So if you’re keeping score at home, if you want to prevent hurricanes in your area and you’re one the various varieties of gay I guess we have now,” Robertson said, “That means you can do handies, blowies, rimmies, and other various, non-penetrative sex acts on each other, and you’ll be just fine.”

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.