Name: Kelly

Comment: I am at my wits end. I am in my early 50′s and I can’t meet a man. I have tried the online thing and it hasn’t worked. I have a guy I’ve been friends with, but he only sees me as a friend. We have even gone away together a few times, but nothing has happened. I don’t know what else to do and I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. How else are people meeting and connecting?

Age: 51

City: Pittsburgh

State: Pa

So, I’m not sure this is really what you want to hear but…maybe it’s time to consider the possibility that you won’t meet anybody?

I know that someone who does what I do isn’t supposed to say that. We’re supposed to spout trite sayings like,”It’ll happen when you least expect it!” or “There’s a lid for every pot!” You know what? Those are placebos. They’re fake bits of wisdom meant to encourage you and keep you on the path to finding love. I’m not saying you should give up completely. But I am saying that it’s time for you to reconcile with this fear you have of ending up alone. Because more than likely, one way or another, you will.

There just comes a point where a man or woman has to accept that their chances of finding happily ever after are diminishing. Rather than channeling all those energies into finding a partner, something over which you have very little control, why not focus on cultivating a life that makes you happy and make dating second or even third on the list?

All that stuff we heard in our twenties and event thirties about the right person coming along when we weren’t looking? It was just filler. It was said to us to be kind. As a result, we grow up believing that settling down and coupling up is some kind of birth right and that it will eventually happen. As a result you have men and women feeling like a gun is being held to their head forcing them to pick a partner. And if we don’t ever find someone, well then we must be damaged goods or broken or whatever. Yes, in some cases, that’s true. Some people shoot themselves in the foot time and again and wind up alone. Other people just choose not to make it a priority. Just the thought of running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about landing a man has me exhausted.

You want to hear me say you should try wine tastings and Meetup groups? Okay. Try wine tastings and Meetup groups. To be honest, questions like, “Where can I go to meet men?” also tire me. You can meet a man anywhere. You can walk down the street and meet a man. You can go grocery shopping and meet a man. They’re everywhere. If you’ve tried various avenues to find a man and nothing is working, then it’s time for some introspection. Something isn’t working. I can’t tell you what it is because I don’t know you. Having me list out all the ways you can meet men isn’t going to do anything if the problem lies with you. Maybe you’re expectations are out of whack. Maybe you shoot out of your league. I don’t know. A post on a blog is not going to fix the problem.

Do you know why you’re coming to me? It’s the same reason why I’d guess half of the men and women who write to me do: confirmation bias. You want me to tell you what you want to hear. I just can’t do that. I would guess that confirmation bias is one of the leading reasons why so many men and women who seek long term commitment end up 40 or older and single. All their lives they’ve heard the same things over and over again. Their belief systems have been reinforced by perpetually listening to or being told the same thing day in and day out. You really want to make a change, OP? Get out of what ever vacuum you exist in and start fresh. This goes for everybody. Cut out all the people and places and ways you hear about how hard dating is and how awful men and women are and how this doesn’t work and that doesn’t work. Tune. It. Out. Because if you truly make finding a relationship a priority and you develop your own belief system based solely on your experiences and your experiences alone, your opportunities will increase ten fold.

OP, It’s time for you to get comfortable with it being just you, because that may be how it turns out. Until you’re okay with that possibility, you will continue to struggle. Maybe that’s the real issue, the one getting in your way.

That is the only bit of wisdom I can impart to you that I feel has value.