I've noticed a great many "power rankings" online for A Song of Ice and Fire. I don't know if it's because George R.R. Martin loves football, where such things are common, but plenty of people have tried to guess who is most likely to end up "winning" the game of thrones by the end of the series by how much power they wield. But that ignores a huge host of characters who will never "win" - in fact, most of them will be lucky just to be alive by the end of the next book, The Winds of Winter. Why shouldn't they get their due? So behold, the first ever ASoIaF Powerless Rankings!


A few things to note: Characters have to be alive to make it onto the Powerless Rankings, and they also have to have appeared in more than a single book. Characters also have to be memorable enough that I remember who they are, so the list doesn't fill up with nth-tier Freys and random peasants. Oh, and last but not least, SPOILER WARNING FOR ALL FIVE BOOKS.

Hodor

Let's address the giant dude who can only say "Hodor!" in the room. Yes, Hodor only speaks one word, and is slow of mind. However, he's doing better than the rest of the people on this list by virtue of hanging out Bran, who's about to become... well, actually, I'm not sure what Bran's going to become, except that he's going to be able to possess pretty much any creature that lives, look through every single Heart tree in Westeros and might possibly the deciding factor in the war with the Others. Being the primary mode of transportation for the planet's most powerful psychic ensures Hodor a level of power and protection most folk in Westeros would love to have.


Myrcella Baratheon

Yes, Myrcella is technically the Princess of the Seven Kingdoms, but let's face facts - she was sent to Dorne to marry Trystane Martell in hopes or securing an alliance, and Dorne broke her. She had her ear and a chunk of her face chopped off in an attack by a traitorous knight. She has no power, only value, and not much of that; the Martells only want her to live until they're ready to attack the Lannisters, and other than her mother Cersei, her brother King Tommen and maybe Jaime, no one else in the seven kingdoms particularly wants her to live. Plus, a crazy old lady told Cersei all her children would die before her, so Myrcella has that whole prophecy thing working against her. At any rate, her chances of sitting on the Iron Throne are less than Hodor's.

Irri

Irri has a bit of pull by being one of Daenerys' handmaidens, and being pals with the lady who has the dragons is not a bad spot to be in. However, Irri's main talents seem to be 1) performing cunnilingus and… actually, that's it. Again, not the worst position to be in, but unless Dany has more vagina-based problems in front of her, Irri's not likely to get any further ahead (hee hee hee).

Patchface

While most fools in literature tend to be cryptically brilliant, in A Song of Ice and Fire they're generally just… well, fools. The exception is Patchface, Stannis' daughter's entertainment at Dragonstone, who occasionally ekes out a touch of prophecy amidst his normal jabberings. However, since neither he nor anyone else heeds anything he says, this sporadic gift is just as useful as not having any power, so he's goin' nowhere.

Old Nan

Hodor's great-grandmother disappeared after Theon's capture of Winterfell, and given her "old lady power" - basically, knowing shit about things beyond the Wall (evidenced by the stories she tells Bran while he's recuperating from his window fall) - it seems plausible that she could survive even Ramsay Bolton's reign of dickishness. While wise old ladies usually have some pull in most fantasy stories, GRRM probably won't have Old Nan ninja herself into Winterfell castle to assassinate Ramsay… probably. At any rate, as Hodor's family, she effectively knows a guy who knows a guy who has a direwolf, so she has that going for her.


Robert Arryn

The son of Jon Arryn is similarly positioned to Mycella, in that he has value, but no power. As King of the Eyrie, you'd think he'd have more traction than a Princess, but this is mitigated by the fact that Robert is a goddamned disaster. He's sickly, he has seizures, he was only technically weaned a little while ago when Littlefinger tossed his mom out the Moon Door, and he's really, really annoying. His only friend is Sansa, and that's mostly because taking care of "Sweetrobin" is slightly preferable to her than being groped by Littlefinger. Even if he were hale and hearty, he's hanging with Littlefinger. How long do you think he's gonna last?

Moon Boy

Moon Boy is another fool, although plenty of people say this simpleton is not as simple as he seems. He does tricks and makes jokes and walks on stilts, and appears to have no gift for prophecy. Why is he ranked so low on this list? Because there's a widespread rumor started by Tyrion that he fucked Cersei, so if Cersei doesn't kill him out of rage, or Jaime doesn't kill him out of jealousy, or one of the other thousand people in King's Landing don't kill him to please Cersei or piss off Cersei or just because King's Landing is the deadliest city in Westeros… well, let's just say his chances of surviving depend entirely on how far he gets from the Iron Throne.


Jeyne Poole

Jeyne Poole is fucked. She's pretending to be Arya Stark, a deception that cannot possibly last much longer. She's married to Ramsay Bolton, easily the most evil person in ASoIaF (and that's saying something). Sure, she escaped to Stannis Baratheon's army's camp, but 1) she lost part of her nose to frostbite and 2) Stannis sent her to the Wall to be with Jon in the middle of the winter. The Wall is full of sullen men who are forced to be celibate, these men have just murdered Jon Snow, and she's still not Arya. Things are not going to end well for Jeyne.

Hot Pie

Arya's chubby former travelmate-turned-Harrenhall-servant was last seen deciding to hang out at the Inn of the Kneeling Man in the Riverlands to bake bread (which is a total waste of a name like "Hot Pie," but whatever). Hot Pie has two things working against him; ASoIaF has a much more popular fat character in Samwell who will get all the narrative attention, but more importantly Hot Pie has chosen to work at an inn. Working at an Inn in Westeros is like signing your own death warrant, because everybody wants to come and steal your shit, take your women, kill everybody else, burn the place down, etc. You can ask any of the 18 previous owners of the Inn at the Crossroads how much they liked innkeeping.


Raff the Sweetling

Arya's "death list" is down to five names from 13 - seven are dead, one (The Hound) was removed (mostly because Arya thinks he's dead). The five remaining are: Sir Ilyn Payne, the guy who executed her father Ned; Ser Meryn, who presumably killed Syrio Forel; Queen Cersei, who fucked over her entire family; and Dunsen and Raff the Sweetling, two of The Mountain's men who captured Arya, Genndry and Hot Pie and sent them to the horrors of Harrenhall. Arya is currently training in Braavos to become a Faceless Man, basically a magic assassin, and eventually she's going to come back to Westeros and she's gonna be pissed. Ilyn Payne, Meryn and Cersei will be a bit harder to get to than the lower class Dunsten and Raff, but Dunsten has the advantage of having not been mentioned since A Clash of Kings while Raff is still hanging around. Arya's crossing his name off her list first, I guarantee.

Anyone Named Pate

Hello. Were you born in Westeros? Is your name Pate? If so, YOU GONNA DIE. There have been 10 Pates mentioned in the time of the books, according to the awesome ASoIaF Wiki, and seven of them are dead. The three remaining Pates are 1) a builder in the Night's Watch, 2) one of House Osgrey's peasants, and 3) Tommen's pal, who Cersei forced Tommen to whip mercilessly after Tommen disobeyed her. The surviving Pates do not look like they're going to survive for very long. Basically, if you're named Pate, just kill yourself because someone is currently sneaking up behind you to do it anyways.