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How to buy drugs responsibly, Sean wants a tattoo, somewhat activewear and the problems with leisure pants, Negative XP Calls in and talks about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World vs. women, gatekeeping mild concern, the size of the average American woman–AKA, banging a Blastoise, Kiwi Chris tries to catfish someone, obsessing over a Pixar character, Ryan tries to reboot The Biggest Problem in the Universe, politeness comedians, the clicking sound on your turn signal, how to be bald, and Road Rage: Los Angeles 2 tickets are on sale; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Tickets for Road Rage: Los Angeles 2, Maddox’s Funeral are ON SALE! Come join us in celebrating the end of Maddox’s career and the 200th episode of The Dick Show! This is a real funeral. There will be eulogies. Black tie is encouraged, black face is not.

If you have any Maddox merch that you would like to say goodbye to, books, T-shirts, zany hot sauce, bring it and toss it into the coffin. Also, if you play bagpipes, want to open the show, or do A/V stuff, hmu! Otherwise, see all you motherfuckers there! There will be chairs!

But first…

There’s nothing to be concerned about. The Coronavirus has an unknown fatality rate and incubation period and may have been created in a bioweapons laboratory in a country that hates America, but did you know the flu kills more people every year? Did you know that you are more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash? You stupid fool. I bet you have a moment of panic during take-offs and landings. I bet you envision crashing during turbulence. Even a split second of weakness makes you inferior to me. Did you know that razor blades in candy is a myth? I eat all candy, even candy I find on the ground. Because I’m smart.

Are you afraid of the dark? How quaint and droll and pedestrian. Did you know that it actually makes no sense for aliens to abduct and anally probe humans? Why would they fly across the universe to do this? And we’re living in a simulation, so all of your fears and concerns are simultaneously stupid and small-brained, and completely out of your control because I am the only sentient being in the universe. ME, me, me.

I will let you know when it’s time to panic. Me. Someone who always predicts everything correctly except every single thing in life. It’s called a “long game”, perhaps you’ve heard of it?

Did you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce? It’s true. Your excitement is therefore statistically a joke to me. I have a great big brain and I have out-thunk emotion in every possible way. The stock market is a Ponzi Scheme, so I don’t participate in it. Women are a depreciating asset, so I am waiting until I’m 80 to get one, thank you very much. Families are food not friends.

When I think of a loser, I think of someone who wastes their time worrying about doomsday scenarios that have very little chance of coming true–not zero chance. Obviously, I know that. I have extensive readings on such topics. The Spanish Flu. The Holocaust. The Alamo. I never forget them. Don’t question me.

Look, we all need to knock off this pointless hysteria about plane crashes and virii and getting raped by strangers (which is statistically much lower than by an acquaintance), and we need to concentrate on what matters. Climate change. Health care. Harley Quinn’s movie flopping and men being blamed for it. There, I said it! This is what’s important. Donald Trump.

Like you would even know how to stop a virus if you had to. What are you going to do, play it in a game of sportsball? Go to a party with your friends and do Jello shots until you’re all better? Pray to your “God”. I bet you would. When you should in fact be praying to me, the smartest and greatest person in the universe.

QED.

And here is the picture that Chris the Kiwi sent to his online dating matches.



“The Dick Show Theme” on Cello by Mindless Fudge.

Dear @wauterboi

Have always loved The Dick Show theme. Did a quick cello rendition. Hope you enjoy. pic.twitter.com/r6EAl41pEs — jb (@MindlessFudge) February 6, 2020

Dick Pics



An ominous friendship thumbnail by HeHeSilly.



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