4. Mikey’s On Top

Everything’s coming up Mikey! Whoops, misplaced the comma. It’s more like, Everything’s coming up, Mikey! VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT.

I seriously couldn’t help but retch at this “Mikey’s the best” storyline they threw at us this week. Look, they even show the guy WALKING ON WATER:

Bleh. Wait, we all don’t like Mikey, right? I mean, I know a bunch of you superficial bitches would fuck him knowing full well that you’d be ashamed of yourself after, but that’s still different from liking him.

Word of warning, to would-be Mikey-fuckers: Mikey has crabs. Just look at that big one on his ear. (Such a fashionista!)

Mikey is a 26-year-old who never progressed past puberty. He’s into modeling for the pussy. He’d rather top a model than be a top model. It doesn’t take much to see him getting kicked out of a runway show for sexual harassment behind the scenes.

During Tyra’s makeup advertisement music video, Mikey got showered with praise for being “good in motion” (probably because he’s constantly on the run from the law) but this week his good fortune reached unbearable heights. First he gets handed $2,500 for having what might be the worst business idea I’ve ever seen. Then he gets to cuddle with Mamé despite being sleazy about it. Then the judges shit themselves with the joy over his facial expression that we’ve supposedly never seen before.

BITCH PLEASE.

A quick retrospect of Mikey’s previous photos will show that he looks straight into the camera with his mouth slightly agape every damn time. Admittedly, his cheekbones are killer, but as far as serving up something new late in the competition, that’s bullshit. This is the same old face.

Tyra admits that earlier in the competition she thought Mikey would be gone around the midway point (you and me both, sister!) but she’s really proud of how far he’s come. Oh he’s come all right. Come so many times that there’s no salvaging his duvet.

When all is said and done, Tyra hands Mikey best photo of the week, telling him that “the cream is rising to the top.” Tyra, don’t say the word “cream” to Mikey unless you want him to get him a boner.

This Mikey redemption arc better be over by next week. I swear if Mikey wins this show, I will make them wish they cancelled this shit ages ago!

5 Funniest Moments of ANTM Cycle 22 Ep. 13