Regulations For Your Rage

Please keep your rage polite and orderly.

Please make sure your rage stands in the queue and waits for its turn.

Please advise your rage to say “Excuse me” when interrupting others’ conversations, regardless of their topics. Do this even if on fire.

Please ensure your rage follows the dress code. Rage must be tidily dressed, & must say “sir” and “ma’am,” even if called “boy” or “girl.”

We would prefer that your rage be punctual and arrive neither too early nor too late.

Your rage should be constructive and look for solutions, rather than simply existing for itself.

Your rage can be something when it grows up.

Please make sure your rage is logical rather than emotional. Your rage will have a hard time if it is overly sensitive.

We would advise your rage that it should bring along a resume and/or CV with a timeline of proof.

If only your rage had had two parents. Think what it could have done!

Your rage should take the time to educate others about what has made it so inexplicably angry.

If your rage uses that word, why can’t I?

When your rage behaves like this, why is it surprised that others react badly to it? When we profile your rage we are reacting to the facts.

Rage should shave its beard and unwind its turban. Rage should smile at catcallers.

Your rage should speak English and ask for permission before crossing the border to flee a dangerous situation. Is your rage over 18?

We will process your rage eventually, but the meantime, it should wait in a small boat in the middle of the ocean.

Your rage should have known! We were only joking!

We’re so sorry, but your rage isn’t… This isn’t the right neighborhood for your rage. Your rage doesn’t really like this apartment.

We will give your rage back the house in which it has lived for generations after we have taken care of matters of national security.

Your rage should play its music at an acceptable volume.

If your rage expects handouts, we would prefer that it check with us before spending on frivolous items.

Your rage wasn’t even born there. Why does it care so much?

Your rage should be careful about its terms: terrorism, genocide, occupation, regime.

Doesn’t your rage know we were democratically elected?

How did your rage get so tired? Your rage should take a break. Doesn’t your rage ever just… relax? Take a load off?

This facility isn’t equipped to accommodate your rage’s body.

Would your rage mind refilling this drink? Does your rage work here?

No, we weren’t following your rage around this store…

Oh, goodness—was your rage standing there? Didn’t even see it!

We will be happy to talk to your rage when it is done sobbing.

Why didn’t your rage just call the police?

Your rage looks just like that other rage! Do they know each other?

Your rage should know we were doing our best to avoid civilian casualties.

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