ARE you middle class and unsure how to interact with working class people? Don’t worry, here is a guide to their strange – and often frightening – ways.

What do working class people like?

Mostly a form of interactive theatre known as ‘football’. Unlike Chekhov or Mamet it allows you to join in by shouting “WANKER!” or, if you are particularly passionate about the unfolding drama, hurling a £1 coin.

What language do working class people speak?

It may sound like a foreign language, but listen closely and you’ll realise it is a version of correct English but with odd grammatical constructions like “You what?”.

Much like the French they appreciate it if you attempt to master their tongue. The next time you meet a builder say: “Alright mate? See the fucking Villa play the fucking Tottenham? Gor blimey, I’d like a pint and some tits.”

Are working class people dangerous?

Yes and no. A certain type of ‘hard’ working class bloke is what is known as a ‘bullshitter’ and will shut the fuck up instantly if anyone says, “No, I don’t agree with that I’m afraid.”

However others are very physically strong due to carrying heavy things like spanners all day, so think twice before asking if their tattoo is ironic.

Where do working class people live?

Traditionally, in a pokey council house with a whippet, mother-in-law and parrot. However due to getting a job and not poncing around expensively at university many of them now have better houses than you, albeit with more shit solar lights of fairies.

Should I have sex with a working class person?

Biologically you are compatible and may even produce offspring. However bear in mind Lady Chatterley’s Lover is a fanciful novel and not a scientific paper on working class virility, so some of them may be disappointing in bed.

Am I actually working class myself?

No. If you are middle class you are not working class “because you go to work”. That does not make you working class, it makes you a twat.