LOS ANGELES—Disappointed that his new home lacked Cleveland’s amazing variety of cultural institutions, Lakers power forward LeBron James was reportedly crestfallen Tuesday after learning Los Angeles does not have any rock and roll museums. “I always loved the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame in Cleveland and just kind of assumed a big city like L.A. would have a few of them, or least at least an even nicer one. It’s really a bummer,” said James, who also complained about his fruitless search around the city for a World War II submarine as beautifully restored as Cleveland’s USS Cod. “Honestly, it’s been a big let down—none of the neighborhoods I’ve been to are as cool and arty as the Flats and Tremont. Cleveland had the lakefront, too. L.A. doesn’t have any great lakes, and I haven’t spotted a single James Garfield Monument.” James did admit that while L.A. can’t compare to Cleveland on the culture front, it’s far better than the shithole city of Miami.

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