Seriously. The internet also makes you creepy. To girls that is. Being newly single I have spent more than my fair share of time on internet dating sites lately and frankly it’s just depressing. Below I have provided examples of things that weird women the fuck out when you send them or just make you seem creepy/desperate. For actual, professional advice on what never to say during first message read this article by okcupid Exactly What to Say in a First Message. Otherwise, enjoy my frustration.

Men on dating sites, please stop sending me gems like these:

“Hi, My name is Dan, I’m currently liveing in Bellingham, but I do quite a bit of traveling for mountain sports , I am feeling pretty lonely and I want to meet people. I won’t lie – I am a very sexual person (that is I have a lot of sexual energy – but I have’nt had all that many partners mostly due to my traveling) I’m not a weirdo, or crazy or anything like that. I know talking about sexual energy on an introduction email is a little off – but I just want to be upfront. I would luv to take you out to dinner and or a movie sometime soon? about me – I’m 28, 6’4”, 190lbs, long brown hair, creative, athletic, I have my own labor buisness, and I love the mountains, particularly backcountry skiing, check out my “ski resume” http://www.lots of pictures of me doing stuff. I love life, but find I have this sexual frustration that is really draging me down and muddleing my full potential with anxiety. I hope you are haveing a great summer! Let’s go out to a resturaunt sometime soon!

Dan

(email and phone number)”

Thank you for telling me you are desperate and horney and really only interested in getting laid. I understand that life is a bitch when sex isn’t on the table. You should have asked me to dinner and not told me about your sexual frustrations. Your lack of tact is most likely to blame.

And then of course there are the ones that you have no idea how to respond to (thank goodness on the internet you don’t ever have to):

“Dam Miss lady.. lol.. you got all the qualities of a women you a keeper…. lol…. And let me say that your beauty reminds me of diamond, Its strong and keeps its beauty for years…. ;-).. I’ll make sure your shining like your beautiful smile, and intrigued like a good book trust that Luv… ;-)”

I don’t even know what this means. Apparently I am a woman and this is somehow hilarious? Also, my smile isn’t all that shiny. I’m afraid of the dentist and haven’t been in years.

This is probably the weirdest message I have ever received on a dating site. And trust me, there have been some real gems:

“You won’t believe this

Last night, the ghost of Lovelife Future appeared to me, punched me in the crotch (I assume to keep me from resisting), grabbed me by the right ankle and spirited me away to what he claimed to be my future if I didn’t contact you. He was very specific that it was the ridiculously toothsome (it means beautiful, not full of teeth) woman with the screen name ohsoswell that I must contact to ensure a happy future. A happy future, not only for me, but for the entire world. So you see how pertinent it is that we fall in love. Surely you don’t wish misery and suffering on the human and animal, and plant population of Earth, right? It would be down right malevolent of us to not embrace the, likely perilous, path fortuitously unveiled by the ghost of Lovelife Future. So, please let us get to know each other and fall in love, and not forsake the world.Hope you enjoyed that,

John

followed less than an hour later by…

Please allow me to amend that e-mail with this one:

And frankly, you should be ashamed. I mean to think you could get away with such an egregious act… You probably don’t feel even the slightest bit of remorse. Because of your actions, close to 4,000 innocent (well I’m sure some of them weren’t so innocent) people will forever grow baby-blue pubic hair. And then there’s the hundreds who permanently have green nipples. Do you know how time consuming it is to apply make up on one’s nipples to have

them appear even close to their original color? I don’t either, but I’m sure it’s a major inconvenience. Don’t get me started on what you did to all the poor puppies. Or the baby koalas. Or the baby pandas. Oh it pains me to even think about. I don’t know if I can hold back my welling tears to discuss your transgressions any further, but… But you know what you’ve done! Oh the humanity (and caninity, and koality, and pandity) of it all. Shame on you maddam, shame on you! I can only hope that you come own up to your insidious actions and do everything in your power to ameliorate your victims.Oh, also, you are absurdly

beautiful.”

Also, ohsoswell is not my screen name.

And my day just wouldn’t be complete without a little something like this:

“i got some nuts for you… chin nuts You want dez nuts?” No.