Punk Blue Apron Just a Bunch of Random Gas Station Items

NEW YORK — The startup company Punk Blue Apron is enjoying a surge in popularity, thanks to their monthly subscription boxes containing a bunch of random shit from a gas station, early quarterly reports confirm.

“I was trying to sign up for the actual Blue Apron, and somehow ended up with this,” said Jennifer Demeter while emptying the box’s contents directly into the garbage. “They sent me an off-brand Slim Jim, a couple ‘liquorice’ flavored energy shots, a travel-size toothbrush and mouthwash, expired condoms, three loose cigarettes that look like they were already smoked halfway, and a handful of those weird boner pills that are always by the register. And when I tried canceling my subscription online, their website just rerouted to a Bandcamp page.”

Punk Blue Apron CEO Dana Sapienzo is proud of the booming business.

“We’ve been growing exponentially, especially right now when people prefer ordering most things,” said Sapienzo while emptying out an actual Blue Apron box on the sidewalk outside Blue Apron Headquarters to repurpose the branded packaging. “We offer a wide range of products, letting users mix and match what contents they want in their boxes and then ignoring all of that and just choosing random items from a gas station. And if you’re lucky, you might even get items from a bodega that happens to be conveniently next door — kind of like a ‘golden ticket’ type situation.”

However, Don Matthews, the owner and operator of Punk Blue Apron’s supply warehouse, is not happy with the business’ practices.

“They come into my gas station every Sunday morning and just sweep huge loads of random stuff off the shelves into a giant box, then leave without paying for any of it,” an angry Matthews yelled. “Luckily, they usually take the stuff that’s been sitting here since 2011, and I can write it off as a robbery.”

Punk Blue Apron is looking to add alcohol delivery service as well, which will deliver subscribers half-finished 40 oz. bottles of Mickey’s.