It’s once again time to appreciate the most incompetent teams in the Premier League, from those who throw the ball straight to opposition to goalkeepers who can’t keep goal

Welcome to the Guardian’s fourth annual index of ineptitude, its directory of disappointment and catalogue of clumsiness.

Towards the end of the season, it is traditional to pick out the best the league has had to offer. But the reason those screamers, outrageous assists, and crunching tackles stand out is because, well, how to put this … the rest of the Premier League matchday experience can be rubbish.

So this is our (not entirely serious) celebration of the 98% of top-flight football that is not all extreme skill. Here is the place to cheer players who cannot take throw-ins, who get booked celebrating goals, and to applaud goalkeepers who cannot do their job.

The statisticians at Opta have provided exhaustive lists of numbers and we have abused them. So while the stats are right, there is no guarantee our interpretation passes muster – but it’s not called the ineptitude index for nothing. For each act of Premier League incompetence, we have awarded a number of penalty points (reasonably arbitrarily, if we are honest – best look elsewhere for the serious analysis) which we have tallied into a rolling league table.

Who will join 2014-15 champions QPR, 2015-16 title winners Aston Villa and last season’s supremos Hull City as the year’s most incompetent side?

1) Throwing the ball straight to the opposition

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Marco Silva, the former Watford manager, watches on as his side’s left-back, José Holebas, very possibly takes aim at a Southampton player. Photograph: Warren Little/Getty Images

There are multiple reasons football is complex but chiefly it is because you play it with your feet, which are not the most dextrous part of the body. It stands to reason then, that the bits you play with your hands are simpler – which brings us to throw-ins. Clearly, some are long, high-risk lobs into the box, or low-percentage balls designed to aid a quick attack. But the majority should be a simple chuck to a team-mate. Somehow Watford have managed to get that wrong 256 times this season, or over seven times a game. Stoke City are nearly as bad – they have conceded possession from a throw-in 214 times – with Leicester (199 times), Brighton (197) and West Ham (193) the next worst offenders. Arsenal are the best, losing possession just 57 times and, given what is coming up later on in this exercise, that is something for their fans to cling on to.

We have penalised Watford 10 points, Stoke eight, Leicester six, Brighton four and West Ham two for their incompetence.

2) Yellow card for removing a shirt

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Ramadan Sobhi: yellow card in five … four … three etc. Photograph: Gareth Copley/Getty Images

Rightly or wrongly, it has been a law of the game since 1 July 2004 that it is an offence for a player to remove their shirt during a game – so it is a high level of ineptitude to earn yourself a booking for something so entirely unnecessary. Hats off to Stoke City, and particularly Ramadan Sobhi who picked up bookings in consecutive matches for taking his shirt off and then over celebrating, whose players have earned three bookings this season for whipping off their tops. West Ham have managed the feat twice, so we will punish Stoke 10 points for crass stupidity, West Ham five, and let any team who have done it once off the hook because, idiotic though it is to transgress, it is a silly law.

3) Conceding a 90th minute (or later) winner; blowing a two-goal (or more) lead

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Jürgen Klopp’s Liverpool: kings of blowing two goal leads. Photograph: Lindsey Parnaby/AFP/Getty Images

There is often five, possibly six minutes, of added time? Frequently it’s less than that. And yet 11 Premier League teams have conceded goals on or past the 90-minute mark to lose a game. Watford have done it four times! Had all 11 players simply lined up across the goal for added time, they could be battling for Europe. Burnley and Swansea were the next worst, doing it twice, with eight clubs doing it once. We will hand out five penalty points for each time a team have blown it in added time.

Nine teams have been two goals up at some stage in the match, only to lose or draw. Take a bow Liverpool, Southampton and West Bromwich Albion, who have all managed it twice. Those three get a 10-point penalty, everyone else (Burnley, Crystal Palace, Manchester City, Newcastle, Watford and West Ham – who each did it once) get five.

4) Goalkeeping incompetence

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Petr Cech apologised after his error against Swansea in January: ‘Mistakes are part of the game’. Photograph: Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images

Mistakes happen at the back – it’s a high-pressure environment – but a goalkeeper’s job-title makes it pretty clear what he should be doing, so we are going to punish goalkeeper errors that lead to an opposition goal. We’ll allow some leeway – any club whose keeper(s) made no more than two errors get a free pass – but sides whose keeper(s) made more than that get a draconian five penalty points for each mistake that led to a goal. It would perhaps seem likely Joe Hart would clean up here, however it is Arsenal’s Petr Cech who tops the list with six howlers (30 penalty points). Asmir Begovic and Hugo Lloris are joint second on five (25 points) and Hart earns West Ham 20 points for four catastrophic errors. A combination of Heurelho Gomes and Orestis Karnezis earn Watford 15 points and Jonas Lössl gets Huddersfield on the board with another 15.

Half the sides in the league are giving the ball away over 50% of the time from goal-kicks. Burnley are worst, with their keepers passing to a team-mate just 40.7% of the time (Southampton, West Ham, Everton and Palace round out the five worst). Manchester City – no surprise, given Pep Guardiola’s feelings on the matter – are the best, with Ederson and co retaining possession 85% of the time (Tottenham, 75.2%; Chelsea, 70.4%, Liverpool, 67.4% and Arsenal, 65.9% complete the top five). A blanket five point penalty for each team whose goalkeeper’s passing accuracy is under 50% and a reminder that they are allowed to throw the ball if they like.

5) Outfield defensive incompetence

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Lewis Dunk chalks another one up. Photograph: Mark Kerton/Action Plus via Getty Images

There are few greater hallmarks of ineptitude than actually scoring for the opposition – and so we will award five points for each own goal scored, but give a free pass to those that only did it once because, well, accidents happen. Brighton are the worst offenders (five) with Newcastle (three) in second. Only Southampton, Everton, Liverpool, West Ham and Arsenal have not conceded any. Incidentally, the worst solo performer? Brighton’s Lewis Dunk, who has singlehandedly scored four.

By the same measure, conceding a penalty is textbook incompetence. It’s not as bad as scoring for the opposition, however, so we will award three points to any team who has done it more than once. West Ham, Watford, Huddersfield and Liverpool have conceded six penalties, so are given 18 points each, but West Brom and Manchester United have only done it once so get away scot-free.

Granit Xhaka and Shkodran Mustafi have combined beautifully for Arsenal to be joint top of the outfield errors that lead to goals chart. Alongside Southampton (top work Wesley Hoedt and Cédric Soares!), they have committed nine howlers that have led to the opposition scoring. We’ll award two points per mistake, per team (more lenient than the same offence for goalkeepers because it’s almost the goalkeeper’s sole job not to do it, whereas outfield players have other responsibilities). Incidentally, Burnley, Leicester and West Brom are the most mistake-free, which gives an idea of their organisation but perhaps also their ambition.

6) Missed penalties

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Wayne Rooney misses another one. Photograph: Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images

So far, we have largely dealt with defensive incompetence, so it’s worth throwing it up the other end. The very simplest marker for crass inability is failing to put the ball into a 17.8 square metre target from 12 yards, with only one person to beat. Five points are awarded per penalty miss to each team. Everton are the worst offenders (Wayne Rooney has missed three) with Brighton (Glenn Murray, twice), Manchester City (Jesus, twice) and various others on two or one.

7) Failing to score

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Huddersfield Town: not the place to go for goals. Photograph: Magi Haroun/REX/Shutterstock

At its heart, there is only one key aim in football: to put the ball in the net. A failure to do so ranks as top bodging. We will issue a one-point fine for each time a team failed to score in a match. So it’s bad news for Huddersfield (18 times), Brighton and Swansea (15), and Crystal Palace (14), but good news for Manchester City (once), Tottenham (three times) and Liverpool (five).

8) Failing to find your own player in your own half

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Ahmed Hegazi is the least successful passer in his own half at West Brom, the worst performing team by the same measure. Photograph: Nick Potts/PA

The best teams at completing passes in their own half are Manchester City (93.6%), Manchester United (91.7%), Liverpool (91.6%), Spurs (91.2%) and Chelsea (90.3%) - or, to put it another way, the top five in the Premier League. It stands to reason, then, that keeping the ball in your own half aids success. So, we will dole out five penalty points to the worst team (West Brom, 84.1%), four to the next worst (Newcastle, 84.6%), with Stoke (85%, three points), Crystal Palace (85.1%, two points) and Watford (85.3% one point) making up the worst five.

9) Being a nuisance

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Yoink! Photograph: John Patrick Fletcher/Action Plus via Gety Images

A catch-all category for simulation, dissent and red cards. There is a two-point penalty for simulation, and Bournemouth and Manchester United top that list with three yellow cards for the offence (the single worst offenders, however, are Tottenham’s Dele Alli and Swansea’s Martin Olsson, who have both been booked for diving twice).

We will award one penalty point for each yellow card given to a club’s player for dissent, with Manchester City leading on 12 (Arsenal and Southampton are not far behind on 11). Incidentally, Brighton, Everton and Huddersfield are the most polite teams, only picking up four bookings each for dissent.

Getting yourself sent off hands the opposition a distinct advantage, so ranks high in the ineptitude stakes – it also gives us a chance to stick it to two clubs who might have thought they were bobbing along pretty competently thus far. There is a strict five-point penalty per red card which is bad news for Chelsea, Leicester and Watford (four each, so a 20-point fine), but good news for Palace and Burnley, who have had none.

10) General incompetence

Facebook Twitter Pinterest ‘This time. Please, let it be OK this time’. Photograph: John Patrick Fletcher/Action Plus via Gety Images

And finally, a category to mop up some indefinables not covered by Opta stats. Any club to have hired and fired a manager in the same season get a 10-point fine (Alan Pardew at West Brom) but only a five-point fine for hiring someone in pre-season then giving him the chop before the season is out (Watford, Southampton and Crystal Palace).

Opta does not carry stats on foul throws, however we are going to give Tottenham a five-point penalty for Serge Aurier’s spectacular hat-trick at Crystal Palace in February.

Pep Guardiola escapes an incompetence penalty, because though he was fined for a breach of clothing rules (yellow ribbon-gate), it did not lead to a touchline ban so cannot be said to have harmed his side. Yet, West Ham do get a clothing-related five-point penalty for spelling Marco Arnautovic’s name wrong on his shirt against Bournemouth on Boxing Day.

So three cheers to Watford! Championes, championes etc. A spectacular effort. They set out their stall for ineptitude early and saw it home across the season. What’s curious is they are well clear of the relegation battle since, in the past three seasons, the team who topped the ineptitude index went down to the Championship. It takes an impressive kind of incompetence to be that bad and still not go down. Well played.

That Stoke are up there is perhaps no real surprise given their season, but oh, Arsenal! Poor Arsène Wenger, that’s no way to see out his career at the Emirates, is it?

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One thing the ineptitude index has tended to get relatively correct, is the team at the bottom of the table – in this case, Manchester United – have tended to play some efficient, purposeful football without ever setting the pulses racing. That Burnley are up there ties into that, though Liverpool and Manchester City’s presence suggests it is possible to combine efficiency with flair.

But is the real story West Brom? How come a team who, by this measure, appear to have had a decent season are about to go down? For that new level of ineptitude, let’s just give thanks to Tony Pulis and Alan Pardew. Top work, chaps.