Dear Struggling Actors,

The market for fame is saturated. You can all go home. Sorry for getting your hopes up like that. The truth is, you have a better chance of being hit by a satellite than by fame. And just so we're all on the same page, fame is exactly the point of all this. Any ambition to act for the sake of artistic satisfaction was run down and sucked into the wheel wells under the sports car of fame long ago, because fame makes more money and it's just cooler.

"We just wanted to stop for a minute and say, 'You're welcome.'"

Now most of you probably don't believe me, and that's fine. You've heard that the odds of success are slim, but you're different from all those other people, you have been singled out by providence for this. Parents, teachers and community theater directors have told you your entire life that you are gifted -- that you are born to make emotions with your face under camera and stage lights, a face that was too optimistic or too young to devastate with brutal honesty. Well, I can't see your faces, and I have some bad news.

Here are five good reasons your career path will make you absolutely miserable.