lisandria Sun 29-Sep-19 10:20:24

Hello,



I found your older thread on Google and found many of the given responses very disheartening and unhelpful. Your child is probably going through a rough time but may fail to express that. I’m personally someone who shares a similar history to your child, albeit I matured into 26 years of age now. I’m currently questioning whether I should start medical treatment for this condition. First off, I want to say a few words to some points that have been brought up here. I have been reading a lot of different approaches to the causes of transsexualism during the last two years in order to figure myself out. One thing they all have in common is that nothing can be proven.



It’s a delusion

I’ve heard that argument so many times, I lost count. It’s not surprising that this is often the first expression coming from people who really haven’t gotten in touch with the topic. The wish to be the opposite sex seems so foreign and weird that this has to be the only explanation. But the interesting thing is that many trans people, who don’t fall into the traps of trans activism, actually recognize that they can never change their sex but still attempt to do so. Because living as a facsimile of the opposite sex is still better than being reminded of your birth sex every day.



It’s ROGD

It’s very unlikely that a boy has ROGD. This highly controversial concept was brought up a few years ago when we saw a rapid increase of FTM teenagers. Young girls, who were always fairly feminine, suddenly wanted to become boys. Often times we see groups of girls coming out as trans in a small time frame, supporting that this is mostly likely a social phenomenon. Other reasons for girls suddenly wanting to become boys can be misogyny, sexual abuse and body-shaming. Since masculinity is seen as superior in our society, these girls are sometimes even encouraged to take that route. But going the opposite direction, from boy to girl, is seen as shameful and therefore no boy really wants to admit he wants to be a girl. It’s no fun.



It’s AGP (Autogynephilia)

Ray Blanchard and Anne Lawrence did a good job in describing the two types of transsexuals. The first one (HSTS) is behaving like the opposite sex from a young age and feels very unhappy with the changes of puberty. It must be noted that most of these kids, who express some form of gender dysphoria in their childhood, grow out of it during adolescence. Estimates vary between 60 to 90 percent. These people grow up to be adult homosexual humans of their birth sex.



Then there’s a group of males who appear like normal boys during childhood and are attracted to the opposite sex. They usually don’t show much signs before puberty. But with the onset of puberty the issues are starting to surface. Many will feel a split attraction to girls, wanting to be with them but also wanting to be one. They may start to cross-dress in secret and may experience sexual arousal from it. This type is called Autogynephilia, love of oneself as a woman.



What’s important to understand is that these feelings and the need for cross-sex affirming activities won’t go away entirely for the rest of their lives. They can only be managed. We don’t know the causes and we don’t know why some of those males are happy with living out the inner woman occasionally and others need to transition to the opposite sex.



The issue is the huge amount of shame that’s tied with it. It drives many of them into a deep repression of those feelings. People who chose to fight it are the best candidates to break down when the pressure of life is getting lower. That’s why there are many men who want to transition in their 40s, 50s, or 60s, after the kids left the house and the marriage has worn down. That’s when these feelings can go out of control.



Thanks to the internet we allow those men to explore their issues earlier, not when they are already 40 and don’t have any hope to pass as a woman one day. But with the activism it becomes difficult to really find the place for oneself. As I said, some men only need to indulge in it once a week or a month, for others it has to be constant.



We must admit that 95 percent of men AGP don’t really run into issues with it. They see it as a kink and that’s it. It’s not affecting their life. That can’t be said for your child. It’s very likely that it’s not solely a fetish for your kid, as gender critical people may want you to believe, but something way more deeply and real. But the shame is still there. It’s already very difficult to admit this desire - to be a woman - to oneself, being pushed away by others only makes it worse.



Calling your child your son and using male pronouns may seem to be the realistic approach to you, but please understand that you’ll probably hurt your child and push it away by doing so. I know I wouldn’t share my thoughts and feelings with people, who say they’re supportive but then proceed to disregard everything I’m opening up about.



Conclusion

Your child is very unlikely to completely grow out of it. Try to help your child by remaining critical of their actions but also try to use requested names and pronouns. It will be hard for you, but it’s not easy for your kid as well. Your child is either going to be a transvestite or a transsexual. Where to fit on that spectrum, everyone has to explore for oneself. You can only assist and help to explore any information that’s out there to make an informed decision in the end. But please, try to be compassionate and listen to your child before you push it away into transgender echo chambers.



My story

In case you want to understand where I’m coming from, I’m going to put down a quick story of how this condition affected me throughout my life. If you’re not interested, you can now stop reading.



I had a fairly normal boyish childhood. I liked building stuff, especially LEGO, and I liked cars. But I always got bullied, too, got called gay and a sissy. But still, I thought of myself as a boy and tried to fit in with other boys. Problems arose when my puberty started with 13. I developed a crush on a girl but at the same time I wanted to be with her I also really wanted to be her. I also didn’t understand why I grew such a big dislike for my body, especially my body and facial hair and my voice.



Since I’ve been always an outsider, I was already fairly reserved and anxious. This got worse throughout my teenage years, but I couldn’t open up to anyone, so I tried to commit suicide at the age of 17. Afterwards, I tried to get my life together. Exercising, eating healthy, getting a job, having my own flat. It felt good to get on my own feet, but I couldn’t ever fix the void inside of me. I started cross-dressing, having fantasies of myself as woman with a man sexually and all that weird stuff. I was deeply ashamed and looked for answers.



Around two years ago I found links to crossdresser and transgender forums and I finally could explain these incomprehensible feelings. But after a while their reasoning for why I should be a woman trapped in a man’s body didn’t make sense, so I set out to find answers. I eventually read about Blanchard’s work and recognized myself heavily in that. His detailed descriptions of the condition really helped me to accept myself. I don’t entirely agree with his conclusions, but since there’s nothing really better out there, I just roll with it.



I tried to live with it, become more masculine in behavior and appearance and taking a Gender Critical stance on the subject. Mostly because of self-hate. This only made me more suicidal. This year I admitted to myself that these feelings won’t go away, no matter how much I hated myself for it. So now I’m trying to reconnect to myself and to the world around me but by doing so these feelings get worse. Therapy doesn’t really help. I probably will start hormones when I’m sure it’s the right path. But it’ll take time to figure out.



All I want for your child is to not have to go through the mess that I did.