CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at the hymnal. “When it comes to praising the Lord in song, Wittman’s fucking hardcore—head up, hands out like a boss,” said impressed parishioner Karen Gardner, noting how the “motherfucking legend” burst into “On Eagle’s Wings” as soon as the music started while other mass attendees were still leafing through their hymnals. “The guy just absolutely rips it up one psalm after another. And then right when you think he’s running out of gas, he goes full-on balls to the wall with all 13 verses of ‘Amazing Grace.’” At press time, sources reported that Wittman didn’t hesitate to walk right over to take communion like he “fucking owned the place.”

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