A recent stir at the Lancaster Prison led to an examination of potentially inhumane living conditions for inmates. Officials allege that the reason the prisoners became so vocal was due to nothing more than the elimination of cheese from their sandwiches.

Fortunately, our crack POL investigative team has uncovered the written list of prisoner grievances in its entirety. We caution our readers that the following information is graphic and my be disturbing to sensitive individuals. You have been warned…

Other Grievances of Lancaster Prison Inmates

*Toilet wine only available in sauvignon blanc and pinot noir, n ever merlot

*Never get to make cool vanity license plates like HOT ROD and FOXY CHK

*Hi-def televisions in cells are 780p, not the superior 1080

*Few gluten-free options in the cafeteria

*Horizontally striped uniforms make our asses look fat.

*Tourists continuously confusing the castle-like facade with Dutch Wonderland entrance

*All the local grants for literacy programs are awarded to Elizabethtown College

*Only two flavored condoms provided per conjugal visits