In an effort to connect with fellow transgender Reddit users about coping with the unique struggles of being transgender, Reddit user nina1701 shares an emotional experience from a recent therapy session that calls into question the relationship between a transgender person and their pre-transition self. The exercise proved to be difficult or even impossible for some, helpful for others, and emotional for everyone. The conversation shows how complicated identity can be for people who go through transition later in life.

“My therapist asked if I had anything to say to my former self,” the Reddit user begins. “She brought out a chair right across from me and asked me to switch chairs and switch roles.”

“I thought at first it was an odd request, and I laughed as I switched seats. I said hello, boy name, it's me, girl name. And then I froze. And then... I cried. Like a lot. Very real and very hard. As I struggled to keep from sobbing, I managed to get out a few sentences.”

“My conversation with myself proved to be quite overwhelming. I've since tried to repeat the exercise and each time, I break down into tears. I'm not sure what that means. I'm not sure what I need to say, or if I need to say anything at all. I don't know what to expect,” nina1701 says.

She then asks other transgender Reddit users if they’ve ever experienced this kind of exercise. Did they, too, struggle to come up with what to say to their former self?

“I don't really think of myself as a different person, even if my personality and name are very much different from what they were. I'm still an evolution of the same person,” says another Reddit user.

A third user, a trans woman, describes her experience when she tried to write a letter from her female self to her male self.

She writes, “I decided to write a letter from my female self to my 'male self.' I realized that the relationship between my 'male self' and female self was very abusive. When I would act male I would belittle and try to hide every attribute that make[s] me who I am. It was pretty cathartic letting out all my frustration and it helped me let go of those hurtful elements/memories of my masculinity.”

In reading this Reddit thread, I remembered that in an interview about gender identity, I asked a group of transgender adults what they wish they could tell their high school selves. Here is what Steph, who identifies as “somewhere between agender and FTM transgender,” wishes she could tell her high school self:

“Things may feel like they are pressing down on you and the weight is unbearable. In that moment, you would literally kill for answers, but that weight will dissipate with age. In time, you will learn that those moments will pass; the weight will be there but it won't be pushing down, or maybe you'll grow stronger and be able to lift it better. But all the anger and the fear and self judgement will fade. That thing in the back of your head that says everyone around you is a threat, everyone is out to get you — that will go away.”

Jordan, who identifies as “somewhere between agender and demiboy,” had even more to say.

“I wish I could tell my high school self that many of my doubts about transition were due to internalized transphobia — transphobic messages I had picked up from society and internalized, making me ashamed of my dysphoria and ashamed about my desire to medically transition," they say. "I wish I could tell my high school self that non-binary transgender people can benefit from medical transition, too.”

Jordan continues, “medical transition is not limited to men and women — transition can be a great tool for non-binary people to alleviate dysphoria, too. I wish I could tell my high school self that dysphoria doesn't disappear. It often waxes and wanes over time, and I've had some periods where it was much more all-encompassing and challenging than others, but the only thing that has actually helped to fix my dysphoria is transitioning.”

“I wish I could tell my high school self that the idea of transitioning is much scarier than the reality. Transition has some challenges, but overall, it's made such a huge difference in my feelings about my body," says Jordan. "I guess there's a lot I wish I could've told my high school self."

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