If you don’t know, now you know. I’m badass. We are officially midseason and I still haven’t been eliminated. You’re welcome. I’d write a bunch of witty “previously on” takeaways right about here, but I’m way too excited to talk about myself. So let’s jump in to this week’s episode (which is most definitely not named after me) “You’re the Worst.”

We begin the episode at last week’s purge, where the losing team will come down to either #TeamKamleigh or #TeamCaraMarie. A miracle occurs when Kam is unable to eat more than 6 plates and Cara and I skate by on the skin of our teeth. Well, her teeth. That sh*t was not going in my mouth. I feel you, Kam. As Kamleigh walk away to join PaNatalie in Redemption, I secretly wish I was a fly on the wall to see their homecoming. Luckily this is reality television, so essentially we kind of are.

Kamleigh shows up to Redemption and Natalie is shocked. She welcomes them to her home with an “Oh my god.” Paulie happily greets his new house guests and Natalie heads upstairs to find her Xanax. Nat has problems with both Kam and Kay at this point. Kam because of her heroic “read” in last week’s elimination, and Kayleigh because she outed her on social media. I’m 78% certain Natalie alluded to being a lesbian during the Vendettas reunion… but don’t quote me on that… because I don’t care. Natalie has 2 choices: Sleep until the next Armageddon or address her issues head on. I’m here for either option.

At the main house it’s PARTY TIME. At the bar I’m hanging with the lavender ladies as usual because they’re a great time. Every time we had a chance to go out this season, I chose to be very cautious of my liquor intake. The majority of the house hated Cara and if I lost my cool (like I typically do after 12 shots of tequila), we’re done. Sylvia notes that I’m a “sometimes” lavender lady. I agree.

I’m not official #LL because 1) I wasn’t there for its creation, and 2) I’ll never be a groupie. Cara tries to have a surprisingly genuine conversation with Ashley but Smash isn’t having it. For the first time I actually feel bad for Cara watching this show. Ashley knew Cara and Kyle were a thing and that there were feelings there. We explained the Faith situation when she arrived. She didn’t need to check “sex facts” because we relayed the message. Bottom line: Ashley doesn’t give a f*ck… well mentally at least. HEHE

We head home and after a long night of sly whispers and dirty looks, Cara finally cracks. The girls had been taunting her for a while and even I was over it. I remember calming her down outside when, out of nowhere, Joss poured water on her head from the balcony above us. At that time we didn’t know it was him, but regardless, it was the last straw. In that moment, I saw her eyes light on fire and I couldn’t help but give her a nod of approval. It was go time and I supported whatever she was about to do. Had I been in her position, not only would my eyes be lit, but so would the house as I burned it to the ground. When all the craziness is happening, keep a close eye on B-RAD in the background. Guy is legit having a panic attack and it’s so funny. I love Brad the dad!

I’m in a really tough spot now. I understand the frustrations that the girls have in the house with Cara. I have them too. However, having her as a partner forced me to accept the things that she does and also understand why she does it.

I truly don’t think Cara believes “SHE IS THE STORYLINE” as she claims on Twitter. I believe that she feels she has to be. Being considered “the best” is a lot of pressure. Down here at rockbottom is actually pretty chill, considering it can only get better. I still think she’s annoying but I blame MTV for that. If you’re not insecure, you’re not living. She just wants to be loved like the rest of us. If only she could communicate that differently I think she’d be much more tolerable. It’s lonely at the top. Ask John.

As a native New Yorker, when I see something, I say something. I defended Cara not because of where I stood on the Lavender Lady “totem poll,” but because I didn’t agree with how she was being treated. Believe it or not, I’m a decent human being at the end of the day. My friends will never have any control over what I think is wrong or right. Had I still been on Vendettas with the Kayleigh incident, it would have never went down.

As I tell the girls to leave Cara alone, Ashley calls me a loser. The way I mock her with “OH I’M A LOSER TO ASHLEY?” is cringeworthy. I hate my voice. That being said, the entire time Ashley was popping off, her tits were popping out. That’s where my comment came from when I called her “whore.” I wonder if I’ll be harassed for slut-shaming when the episode airs. I’m sorry, Ash. If you’re a whore, I’m a whore. <3 B.F.F.N (best friends for now.) Also—I def need a GIF of Amanda flailing her arms when she’s in the bedroom yelling at Cara. Wish we could have heard what she was saying. Still made me laugh. (Editor’s Note: If you can make that GIF, drop it in the comments.)

After things finally settle down, I try to calmly talk to the LL’s outside. Believe it or not, Amanda was actually the most reasonable one throughout this entire situation. When Cara walked into the room earlier it was poor timing. The issue (Ashley) had already been put to bed… literally.

Amanda calls it as she sees it, but she wasn’t the reason everything popped off like it did. She received the brunt of the grief from Cara, but TBH she really hadn’t done anything that night to deserve it. When I said “Cara knows I talk sh*t about her,” I meant it. Cara and I literally discussed that in order for me to stay in cahoots with the LL’s I had to continue hating her openly. The second I became team Cara would be the second we became public enemy number one. Welp!

At Redemption, things are going just as swimmingly as it is at the main house. Kayleigh and Natalie have finally decided to speak, and I’m excited. Natalie lets kay know that she doesn’t do things to act maliciously… she just acts. A heated debate erupts over Natalie being a lesbian and I feel this could have been easily avoided if someone would just define the term Pansexual to Kayleigh. Big difference. (I’m joking. Don’t be weird.) In a crazy turn of events, Natalie doesn’t react like a robot, she blows up. For the first time I think we’re seeing an unmasked Natalie. Take it in, it won’t last long.

We get to the daily challenge, and no one is excited. Cara and I go first and show every team after us exactly what NOT to do. I remember trying to arch my back as much as possible so that my butt would look good for the camera guy. It sucks to suck. It sucks even more when TJ tells you that you suck the whole time that you’re sucking. I work better with constructive criticism, TEEJ (CARA). Johnny and Tony get the W and it looks like we are in for a REAL TREAT next elimination. Spoiler alert: WE ARE IN FOR A REAL TREAT NEXT ELIMINATION.

With Bananony safe and armed with the power vote things are about to get messy… and you can’t spell messy WITHOUT ME. 😉 Let me know your thoughts on tonight’s episode in the comments below!

P.S. I may have definitely tossed Ashley across the room during that argument in the bedroom… and by “may have definitely” I mean definitely. I’m surprised they didn’t show it but I assume it’s because of the backlash they would receive due to their decision to send Kailah and Mel home this season. BUT—if they didn’t show it, it didn’t happen right?

Later Haters!

Images: MTV; Giphy (3)