Today was a day like no other.

Today was a day like many others.

0230:

Woke up with my jaw and head aching. I’ve been grinding my teeth of late which causes mild pain and disturbed sleep.

0400:

My dreams are so vivid theses days. This one was a recurring dream I have where I’m involved in a fierce argument with the mother of my children. As usual, when I have dreams like these, I woke up upset, drained and somewhat bewildered.

Other recurring dreams in my repertoire include; being naked in public, another row based one between myself and my late Dad and, a relatively new one, where I’m being suffocated.

I live in hope that I’ll start having one in which Scarlett Johansson and myself fall in love due to a mutual appreciation of the art of slow cooking.

0700:

Really didn’t feel like getting out of bed at all today. Ended up writing a Facebook post and felt a little better for doing so even though I generally cringe when I read these type of things back later:

I can’t really expect others to listen if I don’t listen to myself and act on what my body and mind are telling me.

Self care is so important. I think we only have so many times we can let our batteries run completely down before we just can’t charge ourselves up again.

Even the smallest tasks are completely overwhelming at the moment because I don’t have the foundations in place from which to achieve them.

The big things I achieve because I have to, it’s like I tap into an emergency generator for the power that’s failed in my main system. Sometimes I wonder who the person who manages to do these things is because it certainly isn’t me, not the real me anyway.

I have one of those big things tomorrow so today I’m going to do what’s needed. I’m so lucky to be able to do that. So many others don’t have this option and they, and their loved ones, ultimately pay a very high price.

It’s a particularly difficult time of the year for many. Let’s try and notice who’s struggling and try to give them that ‘option’ as best we can for their circumstances. It might only seem like something small, but it could be bigger than you will ever know.

0800:

Got out of bed, went downstairs, made coffee and ate breakfast.

The kids had already left for school and their mother was in the garden playing with the puppy. She looked happy, I need to get over the row I had with her in my dream as I can’t currently bring myself to speak to her. I’m not actually sure who’s fault the row was but, experience tells me, it was probably mine. Even if it wasn’t.

0930:

I’m determined to have a stress free day. It’s not that I have a lot of stress most days, it’s just that I can’t cope with even the teeniest amount.

Spent an hour sending invoices to clients, doing my expenses and reading a few emails. It looks as though I have another potential client in the offing for next year so felt more positive for a productive bit of time spent in front of my laptop.

I then spent a bit of time worrying about the implications of a new client.

I then spent a bit of time worrying about the implications of not getting a new client.

I then ate four jelly babies.

1100:

Took the puppy for a walk. It’s a beautiful autumnal morning and he behaved very well. He’s proving to be very good on his lead and we had a nice time together.

The only slight issue was our ‘stop off’ at a sandwich shop for a ham salad and pork pie. The proprietor of the shop took pity on my inability to tie the dog to a bench and allowed me to bring him inside. While my sandwich was being made he peed on the carpet.

I was going to share the pork pie with him when we got home but I didn’t as punishment for his inappropriate urinating.

1200:

One of my clients is querying an amount I invoiced for. They’ve got a point but so have I. I know I’ll end up settling for less. This is exactly the kind of minor thing that makes me feel overwhelmed. I’ll deal with it later but first I have to convince myself that it’s not such a big deal, which it’s not.

1300:

Vegetable soup while I watch the news. I’m fascinated by Brexit and comforted by the fact that it seems to be even more of a shambles than my current state of mind.

1500:

Kids home from school. My eldest has recently taken up boxing so we had a little chat about it. He’s a smallish boy, lacking in self confidence, but with this and other things he’s really trying to fit in and find himself. He makes me proud of him and ashamed of myself.

My youngest has made apple cake. It’s a bit burnt and way too sweet. It’s also the best apple cake anyone has ever made by a trillion miles because he made it.

1530:

Completely exhausted. Went to bed for a sleep. Woke up feeling the opposite of well rested and like I’d been run over by a truck.

I don’t take medication anymore. Decided a while ago that I was better off managing myself through exercise, rest, healthy eating etc.. than living with the side effects of antidepressants.

On days like this I wonder if that’s been a good decision. I’m probably getting to the point where I could do with some form of medical intervention but keep putting it off because it’s too difficult. Even though it isn’t difficult at all.

1700:

Invoice issue resolved. They queried, I responded, they accepted and authorised payment. As simple as that. Why did I let it stress me out so much….

It’s not them, it’s me….as former girlfriends liked to say as they dumped me.

1800:

Had a massive tea. I’m certainly not off my food. The puppy is gutted as he was eyeing some potential leftovers on my plate. In your face puppy!

2000:

Bed to watch my beloved Liverpool FC in a must win Champions League game against the Italian team, Napoli. If they win, every negative feeling I’ve had this day will be declared null and void and I’ll dance a jig on the bed.

2200:

Liverpool 1 Napoli 0.

Football 1 Low mood 0.

Jig commenced.

2215:

Up early tomorrow for a visit to London Town. I have an appointment to finalise my application for a Russian visa. I suspect there will be blog posts aligned to this in 2019.

A few pages of the rubbish book I’m reading first. It usually sends me to sleep quite quickly. The trick is staying that way for more than a couple of hours but you never know.

Goodnight and thanks for sharing today. I’m glad you were there with me. We hung on in there and things got better. They always do…

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