TORONTO – Justice Perry Smith wants the young white men who he routinely sees brought before him on charges of sexual assault and violence against women to know that he’s more than an impartial arbiter of Canadian law: he’s also their friend.

“I look at these kids and I see myself at their age,” Smith says of the adult males he routinely acquits for violent sexual offences. “I would never have achieved what I was able to achieve in life if I’d been forced to pay for my own crimes against women, so it would be downright hypocritical of me to force these youngsters to pay for theirs.”

“Judge not lest ye be judged, am I right?”

“But I don’t want anyone thinking these lads get off scot-free,” Smith says. “I give them a firm talking to about the dangers of assaulting the wrong kind of woman. There’s only so much I can do for these tykes if they can’t understand that there is a time and a place for misogynistic violence, and it’s certainly not in front of witnesses.”

Justice Smith has said that if the Canadian legal system wasn’t so draconian, he wouldn’t have to resort to acquittals, but until mandatory maximum sentencing for violent crimes committed by men who look like him includes no jail time, a clean record, and an apology from the “so-called victim,” his hands are tied.

“The only thing these tots are guilty of is ‘Boys Will Be Boys.’ In the first degree,” Smith says.

Smith then sentenced a black man to 30 days in jail for possession of marijuana.