Okay everyone. I’ve had it up to my +1 Belt of Frost Resistance with your crap. I’m sick of hearing about your complaints. I’m sick of hearing your opinions. I’m basically sick and tired of getting any and all feedback from anyone who isn’t me – and that’s because I am 100% correct with all my decisions, for I am the only real Planeswalker.

I remember this time last year when a bunch of you dunderlingers were complaining that Megamorph was an unoriginal mechanic. At the same time, a veritable harem of you nincompoops suggested that it was ‘silly’ to have Megamorph in the same set as a mechanic like Manifest, because in paper Magic the two effects are virtually indistinguishable. All I can say is this: not only are you just plain wrong, you also don’t have any authority to speak on the subject, for I am a Planeswalker -the only Planeswalker – and you are not.

When I took my vacation days in 2007 and chose to spend them by instantly Planeswalking to Tarkir, then taking it upon myself to reverse time and do battle with Nicol Bolas, thereby altering the very course of the future, I saw exactly what happened when something was manifested next to something that was morphed, and let me tell you: The two things could not be easier to tell apart. You are wrong. I am right. Wanna contest that? Why don’t you jump over to Tarkir and see for yourself? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

If that wasn’t enough of an insult to my literally infinite intelligence, only a few months ago I had to listen to a bunch of dilly-doggles whine on about how the mythic rare full-art shock and fetch lands planned for Battle for Zendikar were tantamount to printing out $100 bills and randomly distributing them through booster packs. Well, let me take this moment to explain myself – not that a veritable cretin such as yourself deserves anything but to worship at the feet of me and my God-like power.

During my tenure as a staff writer on the hit sit-com Roseanne in the 90’s, I decided to take a quick 1-hour trip to the plane of Zendikar and see what was up. Shortly before the brief battle in which I defeated the Eldrazi and turned them all to stone – not unlike what I did to the trolls in Middle Earth when I was on my way to help my dwarven allies reclaim their homeland – I really took in the scenery. And let me tell you: the view of floating mountains and forests and gosh-darned stone buckets pouring water into the ocean is worth more than any amount of human earth dollars. Realistically, you should all be fucking blowing me for bestowing upon you (yes, like an enchantment, which I can also cast, duh), the glory of such a beatific sight.

So the next time you feel like criticising me or my decisions, or hell, even the next time you do something as arrogant as to agree with me – as if your feeble fuggle-jug mind could even comprehend mine – just remember that I am the only Planeswalker in existence, as well as the font of infinite wisdom.

However, I will admit that Mirrodin is completely made up.

Editor’s note: Many thanks to Brian Holland for organising this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to speak to Maro.

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