PALM BEACH, FL — After consuming two 16 oz Ribeye steaks and barely touching his vegetables, President Donald Trump boasted aloud to all present in the Mar-A-Lago restaurant that earlier that afternoon he had finished reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Speaking at first to his family, he said, “I did it everyone, I’m a goddamn genius!”

A smattering of heads then turned his way at the announcement, leading Trump to rise from his chair and address the room.

“People say I’m dumb,” he said with a scoff. “But I read the first Harry Potter. All on my own too! I didn’t use any cliffs notes like dumb college kids either.”

“It’s a real tough book,” he continued. “Some say the toughest ever written. But I blew right through it, chapter a year! Overrated though if you ask me. If I were Harry I definitely would have grabbed that Hermione’s you know what,” he said, chuckling. “Cover your ears Melania,” he added.

“I don’t think most people really get the story. They miss the point. Everybody jumps on the anti-Voldemort train, but I don’t think it’s so simple. Voldemort’s supporters seem like fine folks to me. Of course there’s a few bad apples. But there’s definitely some great people on both sides. That Draco Malfoy is obviously misunderstood. Reminds me of my son Barron, I bet he has a beautiful sister.”

“It’s just like the left to assume everyone who doesn’t share their views is evil. I think we should take “He Who Should Not Be Named” at his word and give him the benefit of the doubt. We could use more strong leaders. There wouldn’t be any school shootings if Voldermort were head master, that’s for sure. That’s why I will be moving forward on legislation to put a wand in every classroom!”

“Hopefully Harry sacks up in Chamber of Secrets. Can’t wait to read it!”