I’ve come up with this fantastic invention. I call it “curtain”. “Curtain” is a piece of material that I stick up over my window. It means that nosy passers-by aren’t able to see my Adonis-like form when I get undressed at night. It stops them clocking my taste in furniture and bed-linen, which of my many women friends I’m entertaining, and what I’m entertaining them to. Neat, eh?

The upshot is, no passers-by can look in and say to themselves “Hmm, looks like he needs a new king-size 800-thread-count Egyptian cotton duvet cover: I’ll knock on his door and give him a deal on one” or “Hmm, that bed-frame and mattress look a bit knackered, I’ll knock on his door and tell him there’s 50% off this week on a lump of NASA-designed, hypo-allergenic memory foam with a bonus Formula 1 race-team-developed carbon-fibre bedframe” or “Hmm, he looks a bit knackered in, you know, “that” department, I’ll knock on his door and tell him about this month’s BOGOF offer on penis-extension surgery”.

More straightforwardly, no sleazy voyeur can look in, Attenborough-style, and go “Oooh! Isn’t that weird, why would anyone want to eat that kind of spaghetti?”.

This “curtain” thing is great. People don’t bother me every time I’m in the house, banging on the door or standing outside shouting about stuff they want me to buy or do based on stupid opinions gleaned from peering in my windows or listening to some half-cock second-hand gibberish in the pub reported to them by a guy who’s been watching me through his binoculars from a quarter of a mile away. And no one knows I eat bizarre pasta.

Funnily enough, I got the “curtain” idea off the internet. I’d been messing around with duckduckgo (the search engine which doesn’t collect or share any of the user’s information). It’s quite appealing: it lets you get on with what you want to do on the web without someone tracking it all, capturing data, and then using the data to bombard you with ads and comms about things they think you’re going to pay them money for because they’ve oh-so-cleverly got some bots and algorithms snooping around where you’re surfing.

One slight problem: if I go to any lengths to anonymise my activity on the internet, it’s because I’m a terrorist, a pervert or a conman. If I draw my curtains it’s because I value my privacy. Odd thing, the internet, isn’t it?

In my next feature on the topic of privacy, I will be writing about another incredibly inventive invention that I have invented which is called “Google Scramble”. I feel sure it will destroy internet marketing as we know it.