I invented this term. I don’t care if you’ve heard it before or can date it before my existence. I created it and that’s that. I’ve used it to explain my behavior to all my straight friends, and to help newly out friends (gaybies) understand their own behaviors. It is genius and 10000% true. And the idea has spread so much that I have since seen it on Twitter. Should I have asked for royalties? Fuck.

I believe I’ve touched on this idea in previous posts, but it’s become increasingly clear to me that I’m still going through Gay Puberty ™ so I need to dive more into it. The general idea is that queer people go through a second puberty after coming out. Usually it’s in early adulthood, even if they’ve been out for a while, for reasons I will get into. It is a renaissance of sorts where we start to come into our own style, solidify our self-expression, and finally get the chance to serial date. In other words, it’s our high school experience.

I came out as bisexual in 8th grade. I was out in high school and college. But, obviously, that was not the whole truth for me, and because of that I still wasn’t expressing myself wholly authentically. I was also stereotypically “straight girl hot” so I was getting attention from mostly men, and since dating them was more readily available to me and overall easier, that’s what I did. So while I was out and known as queer, I was straight-washing my entire life. This was purely a survival tactic. I knew that if I tried to throw myself into my queerness and live to the true extent of my identity, I would become extremely lonely and isolated (spoiler: over 10 years later and that dumb teenage bitch was so right). Because of all this, my high school experience was extremely boring and not at all like my heterosexual homie’s.

College was much the same. It got better near the end, when I finally came out as a lesbian my junior year, and chopped all my hair off and got an entirely new gender-fluid wardrobe. So my Gay Puberty ™ began at 20. That is when I learned that expressing myself with my clothing and hairstyles meant living authentically, and that’s when I started exclusively dating women. Because of this I had…pretty much no idea how to talk to them while conveying a strong “homo intended” vibe. Seven years later and I’m still fantastic at becoming best friends with a girl I would actually very much enjoy dating. It’s truly the worst gift. Skills I was supposed to learn in high school (matching, picking out outfits, shopping for myself, styling my hair, flirting) I’m having to learn in my mid to late twenties where the girls I’m trying to flirt with expect me to know what the fuck I’m doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excellent at flirting. When I do it with confidence. The problem is that since I never know if I’m flirting with one of my own or a member of the other team, I tend to flirt with caution. So what I end up doing is basically charming them into friendships. It’s exhausting. Girls love me. They think I’m “so funny!” and “literally the nicest” and “bold but not overbearing” but they don’t actually want to date me or take my come-ons seriously. It’s all just a cute joke. And that’s definitely their problem overall, but there’s so much I could be doing to help my case. For example, if I could maybe get my shit together and flirt like a twenty-seven year old and not an actual 6th grader, maybe they wouldn’t flirt along thinking it’s just a cute game and not very, very, real for me.

It’s definitely a fine line to walk, so let me throw a PSA out there for any and all straight-leaning women: if you are friends with a queer woman I need you to, after a few weeks of talking, take a step back and ask yourself “if this were a straight man, how would I perceive these words/actions/interactions? Would I recognize them as flirting and take whatever course of action I needed to from there, or would I recognize them as the harmless banter of friendship?” If the answer is the former would you please, for the love of god, not flirt back? Because here’s a juicy secret for you: you’re flirting. It might not at all be intentional, you may realize that’s what’s happening but think it’s harmless because she’s a girl! No threat there! But it is very, very, real for us. It is the exact same situation you find yourself in with boys, and it is so incredibly painful to realize it was all viewed in harmless fun and therefore realize your sexuality is taken as a joke. You might not intend any of that, but I promise you that is how it plays out. Stop. No amount of attention, no matter how flattering, is worth fucking with our hearts and therefore sense of self-worth like that.

I’ve tried explaining to my heteros that Gay Puberty ™ is the reason rejection hurts more for me. It isn’t just the general life of being queer which is exhausting and painful. Every time a girl rejects me it feels like the first time. It comes with all these questions of “will I ever find someone? Will I ever be good enough? Am I ever going to get to be happy?” I realize it sounds dramatic, but you have to realize how much harder it is for us to even get far enough to be rejected. My heteros, you can go to any bar or any coffee shop or literally any patch of pavement and find 10+ people to flirt with. You could walk up to every member of the opposite sex you see, chat them up for a bit, and walk away with the phone numbers of like at least 45% of them. Which means that every rejection stings a bit less because you have all those successes to fall back on. Queer people do not have that.

If I walked up to every girl I wanted to, and tried to flirt, here is what would happen: 25% would entertain me with an awkward smile before denying me. 25% would treat me with open disgust. 25% would be over the top friendly and “sorry no but omg if I were gay I’d totally be gay for you!” 24% would just keep walking and then 1% would give me their number. Do not question my statistics these are facts. This is exactly what would happen. Sure, throw me in the middle of a lesbian co-op or like…pride, then yeah. I’d have a lot more success. But my every day is not like that. So I don’t have a ton of practice confidently approaching women and asking them out. I don’t have a ton of confidence in just going for it because what if they get someone to attack me? What if I get fired? What if they laugh at me and call me slurs? Rejection hurts so much more when that’s what you’ve learned to expect. It hurts so much more when you finally gather the courage, for maybe the first time, and it’s a rousing failure.

And let me tell you something. Most of the time if a queer person does go out on a limb, after knowing you for a while and a lot of talking, you have done something to make them think it will be reciprocated. A lot of research and anxiety goes into me ever taking the plunge. A lot of asking around, stalking social media for recent partners, talking to you and throwing out bait to see how you take it. If I ever feel confident enough to really ask you out, and you tell me you are straight, you have taken my sexuality as a joke and enjoyed the attention. You have knowingly watched me fall for you, knowingly watched me flirt with you, and instead of stopping it you soaked up the attention to feel good about yourself because there was no risk for you. You queer baited someone with real feelings.

I know that will piss a lot of people off. It’s the “not all men!” of queer statements. Let me explain how I do not give a single fuck. There are exceptions to everything. Statements of ‘all’ don’t mean all. I am best friends with someone who is an exception to that rule. I understand this. But she still did everything I described, it was all just unknowingly and out of naivete. I still had to heal from it and still had to process a lot of feelings. I also know this might sound like a self-proclaimed nice guy who just got rejected even though he bought you coffee! And was so nice! You owe me a date! If you’re reading this and thinking that, kindly get your head out of your ass and learn to view the world without your heterosexual rose colored glasses. You sound stupid.

The whole point of Gay Puberty ™ is that queer people tend to learn romantic lessons much later in life than our hetero counterparts. We are so used to trying to hide this very important and very prominent part of ourselves that we don’t give ourselves the space to learn how to be romantic and queer. Acting on the sexuality portion of our identities is probably the most difficult part of being queer. The clothes, hair, culture is all so much simpler than actually acting on the part that everyone hates us for: dating. So we are stunted and turn into 30 year old’s who flirt like we’re 16. It’s extremely difficult to get past. It’s also fucking embarrassing.

The point of this is for other queer people to realize you are not alone. You are not the only one out there who feels behind. You are not the only one who didn’t learn what your straight friends did so early on. Speaking of your straight friends, they will not understand this. They will not understand why you take everything so much harder. They will not understand why it takes you so much longer to work up the confidence to ask someone out, especially if you’re like me and are so confident in every other aspect of life. They will not understand why you send 40 screenshots of every conversation asking them to help you dissect.

So do yourself a favor and do as I say not as I do: find platonically queer spaces. Find them and don’t fucking let go. Find somewhere you belong where this doesn’t all need explaining and everyone will just nod their head along in understanding. Find the adult equivalent of a gay locker room so you can find comradery in everyone else and their Gay Puberty ™. You’ll love yourself more for it.