Michelle, you are a fucking awesome secret santa, and if you ever accidentally started a war with a neighboring country, I would gladly follow you into battle.

I didn't have super high expectations for my first Secret Santa signup, but I figured I'd give it a shot anyways. Little did I know that I'd be matched up with Michelle "TRMFMVP" Blair. (Since you're probably wondering what TRMFMVP stands for, it's THE REAL MOTHERFUCKING MVP. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE IS.) The gift she got me exceeded all expectations.

Take a look at the link that I posted. First of all, I opened a big-ass box to find two big-ass boxes. And these just weren't just any boxes. Those motherfuckers were classy. I'm talking ribbons, shiny paper, protective air bags, the whole shebang. I didn't even have to open it to get hype as shit. I did anyways though, and this is what I found:

A POUND OF CHOCOLATE. A whole goddamn pound. That's a lot of chocolate. That's enough chocolate to feed an impoverished Somalian village for three years. That's enough chocolate to give Augustus Gloop a heart attack. That's more chocolate than Sasha Grey can fit in her asshole. And this isn't just any chocolate. This tastes like it is filled with the cum of Jesus Christ himself. (That's a good thing). I literally thought I was ascending to heaven when the first one touched my lips. I got weak in the knees, I started seeing stars, and I got a funny feeling in my underwear. It was surreal as fuck. 10/10, would devour again.

See that mug? It looks like a normal mug that happens to have a Vikings logo on it, doesn't it? WRONG, AND FUCK YOU FOR MAKING THAT GARBAGE ASSUMPTION. This mug is absolutely gorgeous. I am of the humble opinion that it is the most beautiful mug in all of the land. If this mug was a human being, I would ask it out on a date, take it out to dinner and a movie, take it back to my place, and fuck the shit out of it on my bedroom floor. As a matter of fact, I might just do that anyways. Fuck you, I don't need your permission. Legalize mug marriage 2015.

In all seriousness, as much as I exaggerated in the paragraphs above, I absolutely love my gift. I've been having a really tough month, the lowlight of which has been this week, and what I got in the mail today absolutely made my year. I couldn't be happier, and what makes it even better is that a complete stranger took time out of her day to find me the perfect gift. Michelle, I really can't thank you enough. You're awesome, and your gift is awesome. If I could rate you a 14/10, I would. Hopefully next year I draw your name and am able to return the favor :) Thank you!!!!!