By Pamela Redmond Satran

If you look at the very bottom of the Social Security name records, you’ll find plenty of ill-advised baby names that people actually choose, and really really shouldn’t have.

The baby names here were gathered from names given to five children in 2012. To protect privacy, the government only records names used for five or more babies each year, so chances are there are even worse choices out there that didn’t make the official statistics.

Here, what not to name your baby, and why:

girls

Ahmiracle and Dmiracle – There were nearly 800 girls named just plain Miracle, and then you’ve got your Jamiracles and your Lamiracles. But we draw the line.

Assia – You just can’t give an American baby a name that contains the word “ass.”

Beautyful and Pretty – She better be.

Disney – Product placement?

Erie – Lake, yes. Ontario or Michigan, maybe. But Erie is just eerie.

Goodness – Most teenagers would take this as a dare.

Ikea – A Big Box name.

Money and Pryce – Uh…no.

Richard – Every year there are a handful of girls named Richard….and George and David, and boys named Charlotte and Sophia. Clerical mistakes? Sometimes, probably. And then other times, they’re just mistakes.

Rosary – Saints’ names and other religious names can work, but this takes baby-name-as-devotion too far.

Shady –Weather names – Sunny, Snow – can work, but then there’s the other meaning of Shady.

Stonie – Will create a rocky path for your child.

Vegas – What happens in Vegas…

Younique – Unfortunately not. And there were five girls named Yunique too.

boys

Abass – See Assia.

Carrion – Baby name roadkill.

Dolton – If Colton is a popular baby name, and Bolton and Knowlton can work as first names, then Dolton….nah.

Emperor – Why not Tyranius?

Hamlet – Shakespearean names as far out as Romeo can work, but Hamlet is also saddled with that “Ham” syllable.

Handsome – See Beautyful and Pretty.

Harshit – Harshit and Harshita are Sanskrit names with a lovely meaning: full of happiness. But they don’t translate well into English.

Kartier – Klassy.

Maximum – Max or Maxim would have made the point.

Messer – Takes the Badass Baby Name idea, ala Ranger and Wilder, too far.

Patch – His big brother’s name is AOL

Princeten or Prinston – Maybe he’ll get into Yale.

Ralphy – Middle name: Boy.

Rambo – Scary, yet not as scary as the six boys named (yes, really) Rage.

Vader – Ready for a lifetime of Star Wars jokes?

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