26th October 2016

I’m back in my hotel room, another press conference done. I find all that smiling exhausting. Managed to get in the clown reference though. Cheika will have loved that. Must text him later. Is there a clown emoji on my new iPhone?

Not many questions about Danny Cipriani, which is a good thing. And what with my new phone, it should be a while before he gets my new number. There’s a lot of messages from numbers I don’t recognise. One in french, which is either Guy Noves wanting me to see what he’s done, or Chris Ashton showing off. I think it might be the former. Crazy bastard.

I have a voicemail which is just really loud music and someone shouting. I think it’s Hask. He’s determined to do all the music for our prematch dressing room. Some of the backs won’t like it. I remember catching George Ford listening to some S Club 7. He was really embarrassed and said he just had it on shuffle, but I could see him smiling. Fair play on the kid, seems to have lot on his mind at the moment. His relationship with Faz is a funny one. He likes him, but you can see that inside, he’s worried.

Was going to order some food from room service but Steve Borthwick phoned as I was going to pick up. He’s really worried about lineouts. He wanted to pick Matt Banahan so we could use him as a spare jumper. I told him not to worry. Although, picking Banners is still a good idea. Reminder to email Todd and see if he could spare him. Unlikely.

Ordered some food. Got out my jotter pad and laid out a XV to face South Africa. Had to cross out the name Itoje twice. Only just realised I didn’t pick Bill Beaumont’s boy. Completely forgotten about him up at Sale. I wonder if Mike Haley has his number. I’ll give him a ring. Although I’ll probably see Bill tomorrow. Might be awkward. I’ll laugh it off.

Got the rooming list for Portugal. Putting Joe Marler and Charlie Ewels in the same room might not be a good idea. I’m all for initiation but I’m not having a repeat of what happened with the judo and Sam Jones. Putting Marler with anyone is tricky. I’ll speak to Mike Brown again.

Must try and get to bed early tonight. Big few weeks in front of me. Great British Bake Off Final though. Alex Lozowski can do a brilliant soufflé apparently; Maro was telling me. God, I’m going to miss him this Autumn. I wonder if he’s thinking about us?

I’ve just flicked back to see this time last year, I was laughing at England. Me and my big mouth. The world is a funny place. Sayonara, my old friend. Until tomorrow.

Sam Roberts © 2016. (Text only). All Rights Reserved

(This is a parody. I know you know that but you know…)