The other night my friends and I were sharing breastfeeding stories. My input was tenuous at first; breastfeeding and babies feels like a million years ago. In fact it was only 5 years ago that I was juggling twin babies in one arm and an 18-month-old toddler on the other. It turned out that most of us had struggled to breastfeed our kids and ended up giving up early. The stories were torn from us, glittering with guilt and topped up with a smattering of justification. No one could say ‘yep I didn’t breastfeed my kid for the first year of its life’ without feeling the need to explain why. We were still looking for reassurance after all this time and hoping not to be judged.

I want to be different

The next day we were talking about our kids. My daughter is a big girl, not fat, just big. She is one of the biggest in her class despite being a premature twin and having a birthday in the middle of the year. Like me she is big-boned and sure to be tall. Like me she is naturally athletic and incredibly healthy. What a joy I hear you say. What luck. But the other day she came home and said she wanted be ‘smaller’ like her friends. Already at the age of 5 she had compared herself to her peers and found herself lacking. Like her I’ve always hated being tall and ‘big’. Always envious of those with their delicate little wrists and six 6 clothing that I could never ever fit into. To hear myself echoed coming from her mouth I was horrified. I asked myself. ‘ Did I make her like this?’. I consciously never point out her size, but at the same time I’m often pointing out my own.

It’s not a new or particularly profound thought but those two conversations brought it heavily home how our perception of ourselves is influenced by what others think. And how incredibly damaging that it. We are told all the time to love ourselves but do we ever really?

The impossible task of loving yourself

Loving yourself is hard. Even if we were to be born perfect, by the time you get to my age there’s 40 years of mistakes that we have to carry with us. Then there’s social media and the inescapable comparisons that make us feel that we should be doing better. Chuck in other people’s, sometimes unfair, judgment of us and it’s a wonder we can get up in the morning.

Loving yourself is not caring what anyone else thinks, but what if we are genetically programmed to care? How many of us are so self-confident that we don’t look to others to see how we are perceived? If we don’t care why would social media be so popular? There are myriad sites specifically to ask ‘what do you think about me’. Take this Reddit thread for example: Am I Ugly? If we didn’t care why would we ask a bunch of strangers for their opinion. Here’s a website that tells you if you are pretty or not https://www.prettyscale.com/. How dreadful. I can only imagine the emotional response from the teenager that is told they are ugly by a sodding algorithm.

The impossible task of not caring

I believe the only way to be really happy is not to care about what other people think. To be happy with what we have and not wish for more. That is the secret to happiness, yet the way society is going we care what people think more than ever.

Rather than being told to do to things our own way, we are constantly being told what to do and what to think. It’s not just about looks. It’s about our way of living. I feel guilty if I buy a bottle of water at the shops because of the plastic. I feel bad about taking a too long shower, despite the fact that its been raining her for 2 months solidly, because I don’t want to waste water. I feel bad buying groceries in the big chain supermarket because their food isn’t always ethically sourced and their carbon footprint giant sized.

I feel guilty if I let the kids watch TV all morning because I’m told it’s damaging for them. I feel bad if I let them have sweets because I’m only supposed to feed them sugar-free vegan snacks.

The pressure to be perfect is overwhelming…

We are told to care for the sake of your kids, or your country, or the environment but when you feel inadequate because you can’t be all those things, you are told that you shouldn’t care or compare anyway. This feels like a lose / lose situation to me.

Pick your battles

I think it’s a case of pick your battles. Figure out what you can do and do just that. I know it sounds simple but it’s not. I worry. Not for me anymore, I’m to old and grumpy to care so much what people think. No, I worry about how my darling little daughter who is the most beautiful, clever, talented, sporty little girl will feel growing up in this self obsessed world.

Message for my daughter

What will I say when Polly comes to me and says I want to be smaller? Should I tell her to just ‘love herself’? Should I tell her not to care what anyone else thinks? Should I tell her she is beautiful just the way she is? I will, of course, but how will these trite little ditties help her?

Rather should I tell her how to love herself. To celebrate her strengths. To talk to herself in a positive way. To stop comparing herself to others. To reward herself for what she does well. To not worry about what might never happen. To see the beauty in the every day… to see the beauty in herself.

Perhaps if she can do just one of these things, she will continue to be the happy, gorgeous bright little soul that she is. I feverently hope so.