The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness First Round – 1 Gonzaga 95, 16 Siena 63

Gonzaga, a tiny Catholic university in Spokane, Washington, with an enrollment of just 7,563, won an NCAA Tournament game in a video game. What a huge accomplishment!

This small school has all the odds stacked against it, and yet, even in the face of improbability, it has added a postseason video game victory to its repertoire.

“It’s a huge day for our program,” said Gonzaga head coach Mark Few, who has assembled a rag-tag group of barely top-100 prospects and some of the best foreign talent into a Round of 32 participant. “It’s incredible the things you can accomplish when you leave your ego at the door.”

Admon Gilder drilled a three, then hit Siena with the celebratory squat. Disrespectful. GIF courtesy of /u/typicalbaseballfan.

The Bulldogs knocked off Siena, 95-63, and freshman Drew Timme was jacked up after the win.

“No one said we could do it,” the top-50 player in the Class of 2019 said. “We were counted out from the very beginning, and it means a lot to do something this great as the plucky underdog.”

For Siena, the loss doesn’t sting too bad. Head coach and Dementor Carmen Maciariello said he’s happy to see fellow little guys make noise in March.

“It’s not every year you get to see the Gonzaga name up in lights,” he said. “I’m happy for them. They’re playing for the disenfranchised and forgotten everywhere.”

Mark Few made a call to all basketball players, in America and abroad, who are looking for a home.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” he shouted from the heavens. “The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Gonzaga will play No. 9 seed Oklahoma in the second round, and when there’s a schedule for the second round made, we’ll let you know when it’ll be. Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.