Fuck All You Straight Tinder Couples Looking For Threesomes

A rant

If there is one thing that has plagued me for my entire online-dating life, it has been the continued existence of straight couples looking for a bisexual female third to spice up their monotonous sex life.

And yes, sure, usually the women in these couples identify as “bisexual,” implying that the couple isn’t actually straight. But, these women also end up letting slip such gems as “I really want to make my boyfriend’s fantasy come true,” which — sure — maybe you’re attracted to women, but you’re not hitting me up for a threesome because of your attraction to women. Like, you’re a GGG gf and good for you lady, but while your boyfriend may be covering your rent, he sure as hell isn’t covering mine and I have zero fucking investment in this patriarchal bargain you got going down.

I mean, I get it. I get, that like, if these women demonstrate how cool they are by licking my pussy in front of their boyfriends, they will look hotter to their male partners, and that for many women, when “their man” finds them “super fucking hot”, this external validation of their attractiveness eases the ever-present pain caused by their primal attachment wounds, granting these ladies a beautiful yet ephemeral moment freedom from the omnipresent fear of the solitude of consciousness. However, when I’m with a woman, I want her to be turned on, not existentially validated, so this doesn’t change the fact that, personally, I have nothing to gain from the whole threesome situation. Now, many of these women will claim that, I have it all wrong, and they’re just totally horny “sex positive” ladies looking for some funn!!!!1! But you know what? I think they’re lying. And you know why I think they’re lying?

Because single women never message me asking to join forces looking for a male third. Like, for real, if I hooked up with another woman and we went out looking for a male third, do you know how hot a man we could pull? I mean, Jesus Christ, we’d have our fucking pick of men. We could find some guy like, 10x hotter than either of us to fuck our brains out for three nights straight. Like, it would be absolutely amazing.

But, SOMEHOW, single women never seem to want this. And, somehow, when I hook up with bi women, they never seem interested in finding a man to join us either. For some weird reason, women mostly seem interested in exploring their bisexual natures via threesomes once they have some dad-bod in tow. Huh, funny coincidence. No, but, let’s get real, 95% MFF threesomes being requested on the internet are being done for male pleasure, and women are pretending to be into it because it turns their partners on.

And you know what? I am actually totally fine with that, but let’s just be fucking honest about this situation. As a bi woman, I am not above deriving sexual satisfaction from pleasing men — sometimes you fuck the patriarchy, sometimes the patriarchy fucks you — but I do not want to be dealing with this straight noise when I am cruising chicks on tinder.

Like, for real, if you want to talk about straight colonization of virtual queer spaces, the entitlement straight couples feel to insert themselves into lesbian sections of dating apps is problematic as hell.

Cuz, let’s get real, MFF threesomes are fucking straight. So, straight couples, stop going into the “F for F” zone on dating apps and start going into the “M for F” zone. Because, were I ever to fuck a straight couple, the hotness of the male member would be 1000x more important than the attractiveness of the female member. Like, if I’m going to fake some orgasms for the toxic yet ego-reinforcing enjoyment of hamming it up under the male gaze, I’m going to want it to be one hot dude who is doing the gazing.

But, yeah, truthfully any MFF threesome is going to be a hard fucking sell (why we call bi girls willing to do them “unicorns”) because most men are trash. As far as I can tell, this is how the majority of men get laid: 1) be the beneficiaries of a system that deprives women of the resources they need for survival, 2) exchange these resources with women for sex. And like, to some degree, this is a fine system — it has served us for millennia — but when you’re a dude who is already booed up, you’re limited by what resources you can offer a potential female third cuz your main girl will get pissed off if you give away too much. So, what’s a guy who wants a threesome to do?

Try to not be trash?

Like, this is the thing about men who want MFF threesomes — they’re so fucking basic. Oh, you’re a man who wants to fuck two women? How interesting and open minded of you. As a bisexual woman, I have spent decades exploring my personal desires and social status in a homophobic society. I constantly drift between the straight and lesbian world, and must regularly confront my own internalized homophobia, misogyny, and non-standard attractions when considering what other people mean to me sexually, regardless of their gender. But, OH YOU’RE A STRAIGHT MAN WHO LIKES WOMEN ARE YOU? Into pussy and big boobs? Took a few years of introspection to figure that one out, did it? Sucked a few cocks along the way, did you, to be completely sure that man-stank didn’t turn you on?

The end product of twenty years of soul searching around my sexual orientation seems to be that basic ass men, who have generally done minimal introspection around their own interests and desires, think I’d look hot with a another woman on their dick. That’s it. MFF threesomes are socially validating for men, but classically objectifying for women — especially bisexual women, whose complexity and oppression and three dimensionality gets reduced to “socially acceptable hot” in a way that is completely safe and non-scary for the men involved. I would be way more likely to have a MFF threesome with a couple that *also* engaged MMF threesomes, but I’m guessing not a lot of guys who want to fuck two girls would be willing to consider fucking another dude.

So, let’s lay it all out there… women, you don’t want a threesome with me because you’re attracted to me, and I know it, and it is… off putting. If you were really into me, you’d be open to hooking up with me without your male partner. If that’s not on the table, you’re just trying to please your man, and that’s fine, but it definitely falls into the category of “straight” so get the fuck out of queer women spaces. Men, you don’t actually want a bi woman. In fact, good chance you don’t even believe in bi women, not deep down anyway. You probably think most women deeply crave the dick, and flatter yourself that yours is good enough to pull two straight women. And you know, what? Maybe it is.

Maybe your dick is so magic you can get two straight women to suck it. It’s possible, feel free to live in hope, but these women won’t be “lesbians” or “bi women” so — again — get the fuck out of queer spaces.

And honestly people, you’ll probably save yourself a ton of time and money if you hire a sex worker. Just sayin.