Hello internet, did you know that there is a noun to describe the act of cultivating and grooming facial hair? No? Well I do, it’s “pogonotrophy”. I knew this because I am what is known as a pogonophile, and I have been studying beards for a long time; It’s where I get my namesake from. Anyway, all it takes is a quick google of “beards in gaming” to realise it’s sort of a saturated field already but I’d be absolutely devastated if I didn’t stick my whiskers in and write about it myself.

Also I’m not very original.

As such, I’m going to pick a bearded character from the gaming world each week and give them a comprehensive beard analysis and rating with some advice for how you, too, could beard like them. Each beard will be judged on appearance; volume, gloss, style, and personality. Creativity and originality are also big factors in the judgement process and will be commented on when appropriate. With that in mind, my first pick is one of the oldest gaming beards going:

Dr Light (Mega Man)

Bushy bearded Dr Light is a prime example of a scientific genius and an even better example of an awesome science beard. That’s right, there’s nothing cooler than a great big white bushy beard that screams, “I have a PhD!”

Dr Light is famous for having built most of the robots in Mega Man before they either:

went crazy and escaped on their own (yeah, that happens a couple of times) or were reprogrammed for evil by Dr Wily, his former colleague and the general bad guy of the Mega Man series

As an aside, Dr Wily is a clear example of toxic beard envy; ostensibly angry that Dr Light took credit for all of their combined achievements but clearly just frustrated that his chin is as bland as Mighty Number 9’s art direction.

Dr Light’s masterpiece of chin coverage brings to mind scientific legends of the past such as Darwin, Leonardo DaVinci, Alexander Graham Bell and Marie Curie in her later years. The other side of the coin is that it’s not the most original look going, but it’s a classic look that’s been hot with the sapiophiles since at least the 1850s. On top of that, he’s got a full head of hair that brings the smoulder to a look that can sometimes fall a little short. What’s with the eyebrows though, Doctor? Are those naturally that colour, or can you not find enough hair dye for the rest of your fuzz?

What rating does it get?

Even Darwin’s theory of natural selection couldn’t account for a beard as lush as Dr Light’s. It suits him perfectly and it’s definitely a high scorer. He clearly finds the time between each instance of repeatedly putting the world at risk with his robot disasters to shape and groom himself to perfection. If it wasn’t such a good beard, such criminal negligence might even lose him points. 9/10

How do I get a beard like this?

Pro tips for a science beard include: rest your beard regularly, keep it oiled and brushed so you can maintain that fuzzy cloud-like texture, grow old so that your hair turns white and push the boundaries of all known knowledge under intense academic scrutiny.

So like, easy stuff then.