One thing often asked by those in the helping profession when confronted with a person in an unhealthy relationship is, “Why do you stay?” This question has implications of weakness and failure on the part of the victim and usually causes shame. Rather than asking this question of a victim of abuse, it is best for a counselor to understand the concept of trauma bonding, and explain it to the individual who seems “stuck” in a bad relationship.

Trauma bonding is loyalty to a person who is destructive. While the idea of bonding tends to bring up connotations of something good and beneficial, trauma bonds are unhealthy. According to Patrick Carnes, in his book, Betrayal Bonds, there are a number of signs that a person is involved in an unhealthy bond with a partner or other significant person. Here are some thoughts to consider determining if you are in a trauma bond with someone: