Ladies and gentlemen of reddit, hold on to your goddamn hats. Do you hear me? Maybe I didn't make myself completely clear. Sit the fuck down, because my secret santa is such a goddamn genius, your goddamn mind will be blown when you read about this shit.

I said I like cooking and eating in my secret santa description. That is IT my friends. Do you know how much fucking food there is in the world? A fuck ton. What are the chances someone gets you one of your favorite foods? Like 15 million to one? Some bullshit like that, it's a fucking long ass chance.

I got my package in the mail and it felt really weird, like the weight distribution wasn't "solid", and what's more the box was all crushed. "Fuck you, you fucking dumb shit post office" I thought in my head when I saw the box corner crushed up. I opened up the package and I saw packing peanuts. "Motherfucker, this shit isn't in a box? I don't like loose bullshit that doesn't come in a box", I naively thought, not ready for the ass-to-brain fuck I was about to experience.

I started digging through the peanuts and I felt something cylindrical, I pushed some of the peanuts out of the way and I saw the top of a small ball glass jar. "Fucking shit bitches", "I better not have gotten some kind of goddamned jarred human organ or some creepy shit. I don't want any creepy jarred shit.

My mind was not ready for what happened next.

How wrong was I in thinking I didn't want anything that came in a jar? You are about to find the fuck out.

I pulled that little bitch out of the packing peanuts and looked at it, it looked like pickled period blood with some floating chunks in it. "Holy goddamn balls", I had no idea what the fuck it was, but I felt my finger on the opposite side was on some kind of paper label. I turn that shit around and I look at it.

"Strawberry Pineapple Jam"

I fucking lost my goddamn mind after that. "SWEET ODIN'S RAVEN, THIS MARMALADE MAKING MOTHERFUCKER SOMEHOW READ MY MIND AND KNEW I LOVE UNIQUE JAMS"

I don't think this came across clear enough - Do you guys understand how much I love jam? I really fucking love jam. I eat that shit every day with some goddamn Whole Foods natural organic salted peanut butter. Let me reiterate this one mroe time, because I really don't think you understand - I love jam.

Now my friends, you may be thinking, "Jam? That's like what, 3 dollars for a huge ass Costco jar? That is so easy to find anywhere". Au contraire, mon frere. That bullshit you call Jelly is easy to find anywhere. But JAM? If you want some good, premium jam, you have to pay out the ass, nose, dickhole, and whatever other goddamn orifice you have to get your hands on that shit. And let's assume you DO find some decent jam. You want to read those goddamn ingredients? It has more stupid bullshit ingredients in it than reddit does assholes who pretend to know shit.

Do you want to know what the ingredients were on the label?

Do you actually want to know? I'll tell you if you do, it fucked my shit in to oblivion.

Ingredients: Sugar: That's right. Sugar. High-fructose corn syrup? No thanks you dick licking motherfucker. Partially hydrogenated bullshit? Nah dude, take that shit somewhere else. Real goddamn sugar.)

Strawberries: Oh yeah, like THE ACTUAL FRUIT THAT IS IN THE JAM? You bet your sweet ass it's in this goddamn ambrosia of the gods.

Pineapple: The other fruit that was on the label. Are you seeing a trend?

Pectin: This is some NATURAL plant shit that allows the jam to gelatinize and stay together so it's not all runny and shit. Who wants runny jam? A huge dick who knows nothing. That's who.

And that was IT.

My friends. This is when I knew that this day, was going to be a day that lived in infamy and would go down in to the pantheons of history, as the day that I had achieved nirvana.

I dig through the rest of the package and pull out the other THREE cans of Jam I received.

This is when I absolutely lost my goddamn mind.

Strawberry Banana Jam Blackberry Peach Jam and best of all... wait for it

CARAMEL SPICE PEAR BUTTER

All of them with no more than 4 ingredients. "That's it" I said as I put down the cans. "That is IT!" I couldn't handle this. I was ready to awake from my blissful dream. Pissed off and jamless. But I didn't. This was actually happening. And I knew in my mind that the next week off work would be spent eating the everliving shit out of all of this jam with my friends and family. And we would all live happily ever after.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! To my secret santa. I am going to enjoy these so much. I also have no idea how you knew I loved jam, but I will literally scour stores and stop at those little stalls off the side of the roads to quench my appetite for unique jams.

Have a safe and merry Christmas and a happy New Year. And if you MADE this jam, you are my hero, Flynn Orchards.