By Russ Lawrence

Local author Clinton Rusthoven tries “to meet society in the middle.”

That’s a bit of a trick, as he navigates each day as a self-described “bi-gender” male. What that means to him is that he is physically and biologically a male, who expresses his sexuality as a female.

Now a Bitterroot Valley resident, Rusthoven has just published a book that tells his story, “Self-Disclosure: Being Bi-Gender and My Journey,” available as a paperback, an e-book, and in audio format.

He recognized as a teen, growing up in a San Diego suburb, that he was gay, but it has only been in the last five years that he embraced the “bi-gender” identity. “I didn’t know how to describe myself, and I wasn’t fitting in in the gay world, in a romantic sense.”

At the age of 29, when he decided to identify as bi-gender, he immediately felt more comfortable and at ease with himself. He wasn’t afraid of being more feminine, though he continued to dress as a male at work.

“Part of being bi-gender is recognizing both sides. You don’t want to deny being male, but in your heart and head you know you relate as the opposite gender.”

The book focuses most closely on his last five, transformative years, but includes details of his difficult early life. He rates the book “PG-13,” assuring that it isn’t sexually explicit.

“I want the book to be inviting to young readers, who might relate to my childhood and teenage years, and to how isolated I felt when I recognized my same-sex attraction.” He reassures readers who may feel “different” that it is possible to cope.

Born with a rare set of genetic defects, he’s had to deal with being “different” his entire life.

“I had to accept that I wasn’t going to be like the other kids,” Rusthoven said. “I had to learn to cope with a speech impediment, and I became very aware of how I speak and how I present myself to others.” His birth defects, and his slight stature, made life difficult for him, and he didn’t fit in with the other males in his classes.

He “came out” to his parents when he was a junior in high school.

“Credit my parents,” he said. “They were conservative, but they just said, ‘OK, you’re our son, we’re going to find something for you.’” What they found was a support group for other youth his age, his first experience being a part of the gay community. They also sought out counseling and therapy to help him deal with it, which he found beneficial.

College at UNLV presented a new set of trials, including a freshman roommate who wanted an immediate change, expressing Biblical and moral objections to Rusthoven’s sexual identity. Rusthoven argued that, “In life you’re going to have to deal with all kinds of people, you have to get over this.” The roommate stayed, and they have remained friends since.

After graduating, he enjoyed working as a substitute teacher in Las Vegas for three years, and has subbed in other locations as well. He loved the work, and found it therapeutic and even fulfilling, after his negative experiences as a student.

His high school performing arts background was highly useful as a substitute. “You need to be able to captivate them in the first five minutes, or they’ll chew you up.”

Rusthoven plans to focus now on promoting his book, and on a nascent business, crafting all-natural products for home and personal care, “Clint’s Essentials,” which he sells online.

“I’m a fast-paced person,” he said, following his parents’ admonishment to “be a go-getter, be a light in the world.”

He arrived in Montana with his mother in 2009, fed up with the Las Vegas heat and infatuated with the image of Montana portrayed in “A River Runs Through It,” and other films. They crested Lost Trail Pass, and felt they’d found home. After bouncing around for a few years, he now finds that western Montana suits him best.

“For me it’s the right place right now, because it’s very calm. I’m high-strung, and it levels me out, being here,” Rusthoven said. He embraces the outdoor ethos of the region, too. “That’s the male part of me – I love to go camping and fishing. Here, I can truly live out the life I want to live.”

Living here has also led to some hard knocks, and some soul-searching. Seeking work, he felt he was discriminated against, and filed a human-rights suit. The lawsuit was dismissed, but Rusthoven felt he’d made his point. He also, however, learned a big lesson in humility, he admitted. If he could change, he would try to be thicker-skinned, less sensitive. He felt wounded, but now realizes that in some cases, “people aren’t trying to hurt, but to help.” He believes in the power of counseling and role-playing to help him shape a better response in such situations.

His book, he says, is similarly reflective and self-critical, not boastful, and he felt that now was the time to write it. “I kept it short, sweet, and simple – not too long or self-indulgent, just trying to create awareness and foster empathy for those living outside the box, and for what they’re going through.”

To Rusthoven, embracing his bi-gender identity means that “I can truly be myself in every situation.”

He hopes the book will help to build awareness and tolerance, especially for young people just learning about their own sexuality.

“You shouldn’t have to change who you are for other people. You shouldn’t have to move to the big city if you’re LGBT, you should be able to stay in your own town,” said Rusthoven.

“Self-Disclosure: Being Bi-Gender and My Journey” is available online, and he’ll be reading at the Crush Lounge in Whitefish on April 22, with part of the proceeds benefiting the Flathead Valley Gay Alliance. He’s looking for other opportunities in the region, and can be reached at [email protected].