WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.

Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.

“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”

The fart continued until 8:04 PM. After finishing, President Trump stated, “That smells better than this fake news!” and the White House feed concluded.

There is some debate about the effectiveness of this distraction. Experts all across the political spectrum are still calling for a special prosecutor to investigate Trump campaign connections with the Kremlin, and some Democrats are now openly calling for impeachment. And yet, you’re still reading this, so maybe it worked.

“Sometimes, a fart smells so bad,” Donovan continued, “so bad, that people trying to flee from it end up wedging the exit. Then we all have to sit there and just breathe it in.”

Peter Griffin contributed to this report. He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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