Winter is usually the season for coughs, colds and flu, but nobody anticipated the epidemic that is currently raging across our nation and ravaging our population – a highly contagious virus commonly known as Puffy Jacket Syndrome, or to use its medical term, UNIQLO-fluenza.

Originating in Japan, it is believed the virus entered our country inside infected shipping containers, then was released into our retail districts and oversized malls at the beginning of the winter fashion season (just as we were recovering from the catastrophic Printed Jeggings Outbreak of last summer). Within weeks, people began appearing in public, exhibiting the unique symptoms – a chronic inflammation around the upper body, taking the form of "vertical polyester tumours" that travel from the waist to the neck, up and down the arms, and can even reach the head (if they paid extra for the high collar and removable hood).

Beware: Puffer Jacket Syndrome.

Human-to-human transmission began to spread at an unprecedented rate: it took just one Puffy Jacket Wearer to make close contact with a Non-Puffy Jacket Wearer and, after listening to a 45-minute spiel on how great this puffy jacket was, the non-wearer would be convinced that they too needed a water-resistant winter jacket that was ultra-light, and ultra-warm, and could be stuffed inside a pocket-pouch the size of a bilby's scrotum. In less than 48 hours, the infection had taken hold, and another victim would be parading around in their brand new puffy jacket, all zipped-up and snug-fitted, and looking like they had a set of rock-solid abs going all the way to their chin.

Whole families were affected, neighbourhood communities, junior-sports parent groups. And the virus did not seem to discriminate, no one was immune: the fashionista trendsetters were struck down as quickly as the daggo-dorker demographic. Youthful inner-city groovers succumbed alongside mature-age bayside retirees. And in a disturbing development, the UNIQLO virus began mutating into new strains: the Kathmandu Outdoor-Puffer, the North-Face Nuptse Jacket, and the Lady's Quilted Jacket With Faux-Fur Hood-Trim, with only the victim's eyes and nose peeking out like a frightened furry sasquatch.