This week’s biggest busts: Pacers -5, Hornets -4, Thunder -4, Lakers -4

This week’s biggest successes: Pelicans +8, Celtics +7, Kings +5

1. Golden State Warriors (15-2, 3-0 this week) (last week: #2 [4-0] +1)

Scoring 149 points without the benefit of overtime periods is superficially impressive, I’ll admit that. However, when you take a closer look at the box score, the gaudy point total loses its ill-gotten luster. Among the red flags: Somebody named Ian Clark scored 22 points, which shouldn’t be allowed; Jose Calderon was the opposition’s starting PG, ensuring that huge point totals would accumulate while he was on the court; perhaps most egregiously, the Warriors fielded a team that had both Kevin Durant and Stephen Curry on it. Such an obviously stacked team is blatantly anti-competitive and the league would do well to disallow it.

2. Los Angeles Clippers (14-3, 3-1 this week) (last week: #1 [3-1] -1)

As much as this new-and-“improved” Blake Griffin is able to impact the game with his shooting and his secondary playmaking next to Chris Paul, part of me just wishes he would go back to being a dunker and a rebounder only. And when I say “part”, I actually mean every molecule in my body. And when I say “me”, I actually mean every person in the universe. You can’t tell me with a straight face that you actually prefer this version of Blake Griffin unless you’re older than sixty years old. And I’m pretty sure there are no senior citizens reading my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS.

3. Cleveland Cavaliers (12-2, 2-0 this week) (last week: #3 [3-1] +0)

LEBRON JAMES COASTING WATCH: LeBron posted a sweet 31-10-13 trippy-dubby against the Blazers, so on the surface it seems like he is not yet coasting through the regular season like we all expect him to. However, the Blazers scored 125 points to the Cavs’ 137, indicating quite plainly that no defense was played at all by either side. LeBron probably coasted hard on that side of the ball, with the rest of the team following suit since he is their leader. So, at least for that game, the entire team was coasting. DTB will monitor the situation closely and provide immediate updates if LeBron’s coasting becomes more pronounced in coming games.

4. San Antonio Spurs (14-3, 4-0 this week) (last week: #5 [3-0] +1)

Five quick facts about Davis Bertans, the Spurs rookie who played well in a few games so it’s totally understandable if you’re a little bit hyped: 1. His first name is pronounced “Daahvis.” 2. He’s Latvian just like Kristaps Porzingis. 3. He’s tall and can shoot threes, just like, you guessed it, Matt Bonner. 4. His ACL’s came torn out of the box but Latvia doesn’t issue refunds unless it’s within thirty days. 5. There are only four known facts about Davis Bertans.

5. Chicago Bulls (10-6, 2-1 this week) (last week: #6 [2-1] +1)

The Bulls still don’t have a win against a good team unless you count the Celtics on the first game of the season. However, if the power rankings were based strictly on strength of schedule and nothing else then there wouldn’t be anything for me to do. That’s why I can rank the Bulls as high as I have even when it’s unclear what their true strength is. [Full disclosure: I have wanted to punch D-Wade in his roided-out face ever since he did that little dance after dunking on Kendrick Perkins five years ago.]

6. Boston Celtics (9-7, 2-1 this week) (last week: #13 [2-2] +7)

Surprise! Al Horford came back and the Celtics started playing well again! There’s a neat stat floating around out there on the interbutts that shows him drastically improving the team in both offensive rating and defensive rating. That’s the kind of stat I would like to be able to reference regularly in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS but I need to figure out players whose net ratings would be surprising enough to mention. Like if it turned out that Kelly Olynyk or somebody mediocre like that actually turned out to be a defensive stalwart. That would be cool to bring up sometime.

7. Atlanta Hawks (10-6, 1-3 this week) (last week: #4 [2-1] -3)

The main and actually sole reason why the Hawks dropped this week is because they scored 68 points against the Jazz. Scoring under seventy automatically means you don’t get to be in the top five anymore. That’s a new rule I just made up but it seems fair; no team which fails so dismally at scoring points can be considered an elite team. Such a low point total immediately calls into question the quality of all players involved. Case in point: Mike Muscala went 1-of-6. Say goodbye to your top-ten winshares per 48, Musky. You are officially no longer an elite player.

8. Toronto Raptors (10-6, 2-2 this week) (last week: #8 [1-2] +0)

DeMar DeRozan finally had a bad game when he scored just twelve in a loss to Sacramento. However, he’s still averaging thirty points per game, and that’s without scoring above thirty in any game this week. Pretty soon we’re not going to be able to use the “small sample size” argument when it comes to DeRozan, and we’re just going to have to grudgingly admit that he’s one of the league’s top scoring threats on a nightly basis. DTB’S IRRATIONAL HATE FOR DEMAR DEROZAN LEVEL: diminishing at a worrying pace.

9. Utah Jazz (9-8, 2-1 this week) (last week: #12 [0-3] +3)

The Jazz are 6-3 with George Hill and 3-5 without him. See, I can look up meaningful stats just like all the fancy guys at ESPN. That is exactly the sort of thing that would be retweeted by some smart NBA writer or mentioned on a TV show as an intriguing talking point. Here’s another hot-n-spicy George Hill tidbit: the Pacers never, ever, EVER would have even considered trading him if they new he was capable of scoring twenty PPG on 55% shooting. He would have been untouchable. If he doesn’t come back down to earth soon and Teague keeps on sucking, this trade will look really bad for the Pacers. Almost as bad as that one where they traded for George Hill in the first place.

10. Houston Rockets (10-6, 2-1 this week) (last week: #9 [3-1] -1)

Mike “The PG Whisperer” D’Antoni allegedly told James Harden before the season that he (Harden) could average fifteen assists per game. What do you know, Harden is going out there and almost kinda doing it. If Harden is so easily manipulated, you would think D’Antoni would tell him he could average 25 assists. Or that he could score fifty per game like Wilt. Or that he should mow D’Antoni’s lawn for free because it’s really big and it costs a lot of money to hire someone to do it. Or that he should send a big chunk of his contract DTB’s way to finance these OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS.

11. Charlotte Hornets (9-7, 1-3 this week) (last week: #7 [2-2] -4)

Expectations are catching up to the Hornets as they have lost a couple in a row. Last year’s role players extraordinaire, Marvin Williams and Nic Batum, have regressed. There’s still time for them to un-regress; however, by the time they do that, Kemba Walker might regress himself. Cody Zeller is also a candidate for possible regression unless we think he’s going to be a 63% shooter forever. If the right combination regressions and non-un-regressions strikes, the Hornets might drop out of the picture for home court advantage. Also Ramon Sessions blows.

12. Memphis Grizzlies (11-6, 3-1 this week) (last week: #14 [3-0] +2)

OFFICIAL MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES ROOKIES POWER RANKINGS: 1. Troy Williams (looks pretty good for an undrafted rookie, and even scored 18 points against the heat) 2. Deyonta Davis (pretty good considering his confidence probably got crushed on draft night) 3. Wade Baldwin (30% from the field is not okay, but I will wait at least two more weeks before calling him a bust) 4. Andrew Harrison (if 30% from the field is not okay, then 28% is way not okay, but he can’t be a bust since he never got drafted and besides, he’s been an okay passer)

13. Detroit Pistons (8-10, 2-2 this week) (last week: #15 [1-3] +2)

From this point forward, anybody who beats the Clippers automatically gains at least two OFFICIAL RANKINGS from where they were ranked the previous week. This kind of easy-to-use guideline is exactly the sort of trick I need to make compiling these OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS a less onerous task. Since the Pistons did indeed beat the Clippers, and since I now have a simple criterion for formulating rankings based on that fact, the Pistons have been raised from #15 to #13.

14. Oklahoma City Thunder (10-8, 2-3 this week) (last week: #10 [2-2] -4)

The Thunder lost to the Pacers (bad team). They lost to the Lakers (average team). They lost to the Kings (bad team). They barely escaped in OT against the Nuggets (bad team). Russell Westbrook had a triple-double or was extremely close to a triple-double in all of those games, but the Thunder struggled while he accumulated these insane stats. Final verdict: KEVIN DURANT IS A BITCH! Hmm, I don’t feel any better after yelling that.

15. Los Angeles Lakers (8-9, 1-3 this week) (last week: #11 [1-2] -4)

I’m just going to say what everybody’s thinking: all I want in my cursed life on this wretched hellsphere we call “Earth” is for Brandon Ingram to have a good game. Like 25 points or more. And I want it soon. Don’t hate: you’re thinking the same thing right now even if you won’t admit it out loud. You want Ingram to ball out hard just as much as I want him to, perhaps even moreso if you’re a Laker fan. Apparently Ingram and Walton want this too since he went 3-of-18 against the Warriors, exactly the kind of shooting performance you would expect from somebody who is trying to score a lot of points.

16. New York Knicks (8-8, 3-1 this week) (last week: #20 [2-1] +4)

A figure I recognize as Carmelo Anthony abruptly materializes in front of me. “Welcome to my realm,” he intones in a voice that has a robotic, computerized quality to it. I wordlessly gape at his sudden appearance; nothing makes sense. I want to ask him about the baby from my previous visions, but no words escape my mouth, only a dull croak. It occurs to me that I have not had anything to drink in hours, days, maybe years. As if the landscape is responding to my thoughts, a fountain emerges from the ground. It is spouting a clear, disconcertingly green liquid. Reluctantly, but also eagerly, I submerge my head in its depths and drink.

17. New Orleans Pelicans (6-11, 2-1 this week) (last week: #25 [3-1] +8)

We were all wrong to dismiss the Angry Birds so easily and quickly. I personally erred gravely in placing them at #25 in last week’s OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS. I should have known that a team featuring fringe GOAT candidate and possible divine entity Anthony Davis could not suck forever. In accordance with the precepts of Davisism, the only way for me to properly atone for my doubt is to offer thrice daily a prayer unto a specially-constructed “AD Altar” that I built out in the woods by my house. In this way I may be spared his wrath when the time of judgement comes.

18. Portland Trail Blazers (9-9, 2-2 this week) (last week: #18 [1-3] +0)

Another week, another total failure on the part of every Blazer not named Lillard or McCollum to contribute meaningfully and consistently to their team’s efforts. On a scale of one to ten, how much do the Blazers regret matching Crabbey Patty’s outsized contract? One is “not regretting it at all” and ten is “preparing a relocation to Seattle just to escape from the pervasive stench of failure which has been making the Blazers’ front office uninhabitable for the past two months”? Anything above four has the addendum “Nets management quietly snickering to themselves.” I’m going with a solid seven on this one.

19. Milwaukee Bucks (6-8, 1-1 this week) (last week: #19 [0-3] +0)

When a team plays only two games in a week you can’t really do much to their OFFICIAL RANKING. Any changes affected upon it would be more the result of other teams shifting around them than the team in question actually having displayed significant signs of improvement or worsening. Since the Bucks lost a close one against the Raptors and won a close one against the Magic, they certainly don’t deserve to move up. If Adam Silver is reading this, he should take my advice and institute a three-game minimum per week for every NBA team. That way I can make informed changes to my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS.

20. Minnesota Timberwolves (5-11, 1-3 this week) (last week: #17 [2-2] -3)

Andrew Wiggins followed up his studly 47-performance with a 2-of-19, 0 assist, 0 rebound outing against the Pelicans. If the 47-pointer was a “breakout game”, was the 13-pointer (he made a bunch of free throws) a “breakdown game”? A stark reminder of Wiggins’ inability to impact the game outside of scoring points? An implicit admission from Wiggins himself that he will never be the all-around talent that the Wolves are pretending he will become? A portent that Wiggins’ hot start to the season was only that, a hot start that can only resolve itself down to the mean? Are you getting annoyed by all these questions yet?

21. Indiana Pacers (8-9, 2-2 this week) (last week: #16 [2-1] -5)

Pacers coach Nate McMillan huddled in his office after a crushing loss to the Warriors. “Bluh bluh bluh,” he blubbered wetly as tears poured down his face. “Why is our offense so impotent, bluh bluuuuhhh?” Needing help regaining his composure, he opened the secret heated safe in one of his desk drawers: inside was a small cache of Big Macs from McDonalds, replenished every few days by housekeeping. Tenderly unwrapping one of the sandwiches, Nate bit into the warm bun and juicy beef. Even by the time the first bite was swallowed, Nate’s tears had dried, and he no longer felt any concern towards his team’s worrying tendency to not show up ready to play. “Ronald always rescues me in dark times,” he whispered through a mouthful of half-chewed beef, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

22. Denver Nuggets (6-10, 2-2 this week) (last week: #21 [1-2] -1)

Jamal Murray keeps having twenty-point games and would be easily in first place in the ROTY race if Joel Embiid didn’t exist. He might even be challenging Embiid right now if he hadn’t started the season 0-17 from the field. The only bad thing about his emergence is that Gary Harris is going to come back from injury and take all the minutes. Either that or Murray is going to take Harris’ minutes. Or Will Barton will come back from “personal reasons” (spooky) and take everybody’s minutes. There aren’t enough minutes in Denver for all these shooting guards but you can’t trade any of them because they all have so much upside. I’ll be over here refreshing twitter for trade rumors anyway.

23. Sacramento Kings (6-10, 2-1 this week) (last week: #28 [0-2] +5)

They replaced Arron Afflalo with Darren Collison in the starting lineup and immediately got some wins out of it, proving that a Lawson-Collison dual-PG starting backcourt can do okay despite its lack of size and its worryingly large amount of criminal charges. Afflalo was a bad fit as a scorer trying to share the court with two other scorers who deserve the ball way more, Cousins and Gay. What’s up with the Kings and signing bad fits, anyway? How many years do we have to wait before they make a trade or signing that isn’t panned league-wide as being a bad idea?

24. Washington Wizards (5-10, 2-1 this week) (last week: #23 [1-2] -1)

John Wall hid in the bushes outside the entrance to Bradley Beal’s condo. The step he was about to take was drastic, but necessary, given the irreconcilable chemistry issues plaguing the Wizards. Carefully, silently, he slipped a black ski mask over his head to complement his all-black outfit. The effect would have been more useful in the dead of night than at four in the afternoon, but John had to time his attack for Bradley’s daily checking of his mailbox. While waiting, he obsessively went over the hundredth time his internal list of things that he hated about Bradley. So entranced was he by his own hate that he almost wasn’t ready to act when Bradley finally opened his door. “I hate you!” John yelled, drawing back his arm, preparing for the calamitous bitch slap he was about to apply to his teammate’s face. With one monumental swing, John connected his bare palm against Bradley’s face, prompting a satisfying “ow!” from the target. Mission accomplished, John fled from the condo, leaving a stunned Bradley in his wake.

25. Miami Heat (5-11, 1-3 this week) (last week: #22 [2-2] -3)

When you’re asking for Dion Waiters to try to contribute to wins, you’re going to lose a lot of games. The Heat are asking Dion Waiters to try to contribute to wins, and they’re losing a lot of games. The guy who once, in his infinite wisdom, proclaimed to the world that buckets do not lie, has found that buckets do lie: he gets a lot of buckets, but his team never wins. I wonder if that’s what he meant by “lying”. Probably not.

26. Phoenix Suns (5-12, 1-2 this week) (last week: #26 [1-3] +0)

T.J. “MIP-Lock Bag” Warren was out for a few games with an undefined “head injury” and now it looks like he’s going to be out for a few more weeks with the same “head injury”. Head injuries are scary enough as it is but they become way more scary when a team doesn’t want to tell you exactly what happened. There are a few options and none of them are good: he got concussed during practice and fell into a coma. Or Devin Booker punched him hard in the face for being too efficient from the field. Or he got beaned by a softball during a charity softball game and his skull is cracked in eight places and is leaking gray matter. None of those are good options and if I was a Suns fan I would be quivering and whimpering right now.

27. Brooklyn Nets (4-11, 0-3 this week) (last week: #24 [0-3] -3)

An Open Letter to Jeremy Lin: You have to come back as soon as possible if not sooner. Nobody cares that you injured your hamstring. That’s not an excuse. Right now your team is losing games by twenty points on a regular basis because they have no NBA point guards on the active roster. Even if you limped around the court on one leg for just twenty or twenty-five minutes per game, the team would be a lot better off. Remember, the Nets aren’t tanking since they have no picks, so there’s no reason for you to milk your injury like you’re clearly doing. Just get your butt back out there so the Nets aren’t so pathetic. Sincerely, DTB and every NBA fan in the universe.

28. Philadelphia 76ers (4-12, 1-3 this week) (last week: #29 [2-2] +1)

The media spin machine is advancing a story that Joel Embiid kicked a chair in frustration after finding out that his minutes restriction would prevent him from entering a close overtime game. Don’t believe the lies. The real reason he kicked the chair is because team chefs approached him on the bench and informed him that they had run out of meat for Philly cheesesteaks. That’s why he kicked the chair. 76ers officials in cahoots with the media have censored the additional footage which shows Embiid repeatedly yelling “CHEESESTEAKS!” in a rumbling voice while chasing frightened chefs down the hallways of the arena.

29. Orlando Magic (6-10, 0-3 this week) (last week: #27 [3-1] -2)

Somehow the Magic were winning games last week despite their league-worst offensive efficiency. That trend seemed to end this week as they put up stinkers against the Bucks and Suns. With Nik Vucevic and Evan Fournier regressing from last season, the Magic no longer have any All-Star-caliber talent on the roster. However, Magic fans should count themselves lucky because if they’re ever feeling down (which they should be right now), they can just to Disney World any time they want. Mavericks fans, who are just as miserable, don’t have anything fun like that in their city.

30. Dallas Mavericks (2-13, 0-3 this week) (last week: #30 [0-4] +0)

Dirk returned to action but he’s too old to carry teams anymore. Considering he’s surrounded by other declining talents (D.Will, Matthews, Bogut), this might be the saddest team ever. The way I know this is that I get tears in my eyes whenever I look at their roster. And not the good kind of tears either. These are burning bitter tears borne out of pure despair and anguish. The kind of tears reserved for funerals. And I cry them whenever I even think about the Mavs.