1922: King Abe and Lord W fight over the beautiful Princess Leia in The Battle of the Steps[Image Credit: Wifflegif.com]

Recently, our beloved Supreme Leader and Executive Grabber at Large, divulged a portion of his vast knowledge. The recipients of this coveted historical account invoking Andrew Jackson were his loyal subjects who all seem to have misplaced their silly hats. They still however believe that only the Leader’s immediate family is apt to making their kingdom great again..and believe with equal conviction that the Emolument Clause is strictly for the Snowflaked and Libtarded. His Grabbiness has evidently pivoted from having Reagan as his mentor to Jackson, citing the fact that he likes presidents who don’t acquire strange afflictions such as Alzheimer’s.

As a Libtarded snowflake who gets extremely bothered and frightened every time Trump lifts a pen or opens his mouth, I was very troubled by a particular fact that sufficed in the crash course of reinforcing his followers’ belief in white supremacy. Well, the whole speech bothered me as do all of them, but the fact that Andrew Jackson hated the Civil War WHICH HAPPENED 16 YEARS AFTER HE DIED, touched my soul. And so, without much further ado, here is a historical timeline inspired by this new development:

Top Alternafuckertive Historical Facts Guaranteed to Drop Your Jaw:

1776: Judas betrays Jesus Christ. Pontius Pilate is elated. He chides the rest of the disciples and offers them a quick but painful death.

1826: MTV launches with a bang and citizens everywhere can’t get enough of Native Americans dancing around campfires pumped up as fuck that their country has been taken over and their neighbors walled out because they’re rapists and generally bad hombres.

1985: The first Homo Erectus fossil is discovered by two 5th grade truants smoking a pipe at the Jacksonville city park.

1999: Heralds run through cities on wild mustangs yelling, “The fucking British are coming! And they got a shitty sense of style, but sexy accents! Let’s call them Redcoats when they get here.”

2008: Israelites flee Egypt terrified out of their minds about a serial killer angel going around stabbing anyone’s first born kid — should they forget to rub sheep blood on their doors.

2009: Dinosaurs officially go extinct. The last one being a ferocious T-Rex who lived in Central Park and harassed joggers by snapping at their feet and snatching picnic baskets from courting lovers.

Yesterday: Sally Field dons a green mask at the Oscars and gives a touching speech acknowledging the country’s approval of her.

Yesterday: Sally being conceited as fuck and embarrassing her friends[Image Source: giphy.com]

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Look, it’s simple. Just hit the green thingy that looks like a heart to recommend this story so it can get a virus. Also, feel free to follow me. I have a whole archive of alternafuckertive events that Kellyanne Conway emailed me.