Uh oh (Picture: Getty)

Ever since I saw a friend’s Facebook relationship status change to ‘engaged’ I had been dreading this invite.

‘You and YOUR CHILDREN are cordially invited to come and celebrate our wedding at stupid o‘clock on the morning.’

Now, it’s not like I hate weddings. It’s not like I hate my friend. But when you have babies, doing anything that involves getting somewhere on time, leaving the house early and wearing clothes that are actually clean and ironed, it is a major operation.

Here are a few reasons you will wish you had not invited my children:




1. They will make us late for the ceremony.

Not because we got up late, but because small children hate getting dressed, hate wearing shoes, hate eating breakfast, hate rushing about and hate us getting anywhere on time. So getting ready takes us forever. Then even when we are ready, we have to find the car keys, return to the house for stuff we have forgotten and deal with several last minutes toilet requests – so we will be late!

2. They will interrupt the ceremony

By the time we arrive, the ceremony will have already started. And although we will try our best to slip into the church unnoticed, we will fail miserably. The door will creak and make the baby scream. Everyone will immediately turn and glare at us as if we have committed an actual murder, while we desperately try to shush the baby while trying to quickly figure out what bloody side we are meant to sit on.

3. They will kill the romance

If you want my kids to shut the hell up during your vows you should have hired Mr Tumble to marry you (or provided gags). But I am guessing you haven’t, so there’s a good chance my child will NOT sit quietly for the duration of the ceremony. And nothing will kill the romance of your big day more than a two-year-old yelling, ‘I have got an itchy bum’ during that first married kiss.

4. They will upstage you

Wedding ceremonies are dull and toddlers are entertaining. Much more entertaining than your wedding vows. So when they shout, ‘I DO,’ at the very moment you are supposed to say it, your guests will spend the rest of the service secretly watching the pint-sized heckler in the hope she’ll do something funny. Your limelight will be well and truly stolen.

BORED (Picture: Getty)

5. They will bugger up the photos

I have trouble getting ONE of my children to stay still for ONE quick picture. You have a full series of family photographs planned. Good luck with that.

6. They will put you off having kids

‘Of course we’ll invite kids to the wedding; we love kids. We are going to try for a baby as soon as we are married!’ you said – before the wedding. The wedding you chose to invite shed loads of kids to.

A baby will cry through your vows, a toddler will urinate on the dance floor, a kid will tread on your dress and another one will sing Wheels on the Bus during your speech.



By the end of the day, I guarantee your plans to have kids will be put on hold indefinitely.

7. They will make you regret getting married

Getting somewhere on time with young kids is stressful, therefore it is very likely that my husband and I will have several rows on the way to the church.

To name but a few:

Whose fault it is that you are running late?

Whose fault it is that we got invited to a wedding in the first place? ‘they are more your friends really’ – ‘well it was you who invited them to our wedding.’

Who forgot the invitation with the address of the church on it?

Who forgot the baby wipes? Who moved the emergency car baby wipes?

So by the time we arrive we will want to kill each other. Every time you see us we will be bickering about whose turn it is to change a nappy or hold the baby. We will look stressed, tired and we can’t even drink because we need to do ‘bedtime’ later.

You will wonder whether this will be you in five years time and cry into your champagne. Your big day bubble of joy will immediately burst.

Happy wedding day!

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