Wait.

What?

No.

Hold up.

That’s not…

that can’t.

That’s not allowed, is it?

With the twitter campaign to get Sanditon a second season, I knew it must not have tied everything up in the way we have become accustomed with our Jane Austen works. I figured we’d have some character arcs left unfulfilled, or perhaps even a cliffhanger about the fate of our beloved heroes, or maybe, like, the ice cream cake at the wedding is melting or something.

Never, in my wildest imaginings, could I have conjured THIS.

Never did I think the hero of the tale would be forced into a marriage with a hussy (yes, totally a hussy, no more being nice). Never did I think our sweet, kind Stringer would continue to be battered and beaten, his heart torn from his chest and then thrown into the pits of hell. Never did I think our heroine would flee the scene, tears streaming down her face. Never did I think our beloved Arthur would regress to being worse off than he was when the story began.

This show was really counting on a season 2, eh? This wasn’t dropping breadcrumbs, setting up possible stories for a continuation. This was straight-up ending the story in the middle. This is half a Jane Austen book. This was, in short, a huge gamble on the part of Andrew Davis and the rest of the Sanditon team. I sincerely, TRUly, REALLY hope their gamble pays off and they get to conclude this half-story they’ve given us. They weren’t just gambling with their own livelihoods, they were gambling with OUR HEARTS.

Essentially, THIS IS WHY I HAVE TRUST ISSUES.

*pulls self together*

What was I doing? Oh yeah. Now I have to be funny, even though my chest is oozing out the goop that used to be my heart.

“Tonnnni, just focus on…”

“What was that, Heart?”

“Focus on Esther… focus on her joyous smile in the carriage… that will get you through…”

“Yes. Yes, you’re right. One beloved character got a happy ending. I shall focus on that. Thank you, Heart.”

“Can you scoop me up? I’m leaking into your latte.”

Charlotte was having a fun slumber-gab with Georgiana and let it slip that Sidney is totally in love with her, and that she’s totally in love with him. Georgiana was NOT on board.

What’s her beef, anyway? Sure, Sidney was an dick to her for years, completely disregarding her wishes for her own life and uprooting her from everything she knows and loves, then was totally unfeeling towards her obvious trauma and distress, BUT he’s been nice for at least a few days, Georgiana!

Stringer got a job as an apprentice architect in London! Yay, everything is great and fine, and it’s all good, he’ll be great, don’t even worry about it.

Meanwhile, Esther was playing cards with Mean Old Rich Lady, and I wanted the scene to go on for six hours. I would watch a spinoff of these two bantering with each other, hosting a baking show, solving murders, and giving us a Weekend Update style recap of all the Sanditon news. My God, it’s everything I didn’t know I always wanted.

Lord Babington interrupted their girl’s night with an invite for a carriage ride that Esther pretended not to be excited about.

Look at that smile!! This scene lit up my heart. They had just the best of times, and it was wonderful, and my goodness, who would have thought that Esther and Babs would give us the catharsis we needed???

To top it all off, Mean Old Rich Lady became an actual human being with a past and emotions and everything!

You guys, remember back in episode two when I crossed my fingers and hoped beyond hope that Mean Old Rich Lady would become surprisingly likable? Thank you, Sanditon! Lady Denham gave Esther a pep-talk about Babs, saying it’s better to be loved than to love, then gave us a humanizing story about her own unrequited love. I seriously would watch a spinoff about this unlikely friendship. Please give these characters a talk show.

Meanwhile, Sidney came up with a lame excuse to pop by Tom’s to see Charlotte, and Charlotte made an equally lame excuse to go with him on a walk.

That sound you heard Sunday evening was the entire world squealing. So, they’ve confessed their feelings, they’ve smooched, and now they’re 100% in love, stamped, no take-backs, the end.

Wowzers, what did you guys think of this episode?? A bit short, but so good, right? Everyone got a great ending! Stringer is off to London to follow his dreams, #Sidlotte is good, #Babster is good, Mean Old Rich Lady is suddenly Human Old Rich Lady… what more could we ask for? *deep, satisfied sigh* Alright, so see you guys later sometime!

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I’m not sure why you guys are still here, since the episode is over and everything is great, and I have nothing more to write about.

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You guys like ice cream? What’s your favourite flavour? I can’t decide between mint-chocolate, green-tea, or coffee.

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*ahem*

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Global warming is scary, huh? You guys want to talk about that?

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*coughs awkwardly*

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OKAY FINE. Ugh.

Stringer told his dad about the opportunity in London, and it did not go well. His dad continued with his bizarre belief that a person has to stay exactly where they are in life and never reach beyond what they were born into (because I guess they don’t deserve to?). Stringer Sr. has some internalized lower-class hatred going on, and would benefit from speaking to a professional.

And then it was the ball!

YUP, I’m about it. Get it, girl. Something else I am very, ardently about; Arthur asking Georgiana to dance and then the two of them having the best time.

Diana, of course, was having none of it. Walking home later, she admitted to Arthur that she insisted they leave because she could see that he was having fun, and could quite possibly win the heart of a beautiful heiress. Then he would be happy and she wouldn’t have anyone to smother. Basically, just the most selfish motivation we’ve seen on this show outside of Sir Barfington.

He assured her that he doesn’t know enough about ladies to snag one, and half of me was like, “he has no self confidence, he doesn’t know what a catch he is!” and the other half of me is like, “is he saying he’s gay?” And let me tell you, if Arthur Parker is the first (canon) gay Austenian character, I NEED A SEASON 2. Alternatively if he simply needs the self confidence to admit he is worthy of Georgiana’s love, then I NEED A SEASON 2.

We got a lovely scene where Stringer told Charlotte his news, and got exactly the kind of positive reaction he could have wanted, and it was so lovely and pure, and even though these two didn’t become romantic, their friendship is still absolutely beautiful. That loveliness, of course, was juxtapositioned with Stringer’s dad having a fatal heart attack and knocking over some candles.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Sidney was just getting to the good bits of his proposal when Sir Fukboi came crashing in, demanding Esther… I don’t know, take him back? Acknowledge his prowess? Give him a cookie? He’s obviously lost without her, but honestly, what was the goal, here? To out her as a step-brother-lover, and then… what? Does he think they would still get Human Old Rich Lady’s money if Esther publicly aligned with him?

No, if Sir Dbag had any motivation, it was simply to cause shit, and make himself a spectacle. Any press is good press, right? Ugh, I hate this guy.

Anyway, then Human Old Rich Lady told Sidney to go deal with it, as if he wasn’t just in the MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. Then Griffiths is like, “don’t judge her too harshly,” and Human Old Rich Lady is like, “I don’t judge her at all,” and you guys, she just graduated to Sassy Old Rich Lady.

#Babster is EVERYTHINGGGGGGGG. He does not give one single eff about Sir Sucksalot and his stupid manipulative drama. All he wants to do is make Esther happy, and be her partner in all things, and so she said yes and THE LAND REJOICED.

And I was lying before, because THIS is where the episode REALLY ended. Whew! What a ride!

Heh heh…

Fun, right guys?

Heh….

Okay fine.

Everyone was informed of the fire blazing through the new residences, and what followed was a heart-breaking slow-mo sequence of desperate attempts to put it out, along with the devastating realization that Stringer’s dad was still inside.

It hurt. There’s no other way to say it. My heart hurts. It hurt even more when Charlotte visited Stringer and he could barely hold himself together, knowing his last words to his father were in anger. He also informed her that he won’t be taking the opportunity in London.

*sad pout*

Oh Tom. Stupid, bumbling, useless Tom. He didn’t have insurance on the construction, so he’s completely effed. *siiiiiiiiiiigh*

At this point Diana gave a speech about them being Parkers, and that they’ll get through it, and I was like, “oh right, she’s THEIR sister, too.” It’s the last episode, and I think this was the first time she’s actually said something directly to her other brothers.

Sidney went off to London to somehow fix the problem, and returned victorious.

Sidney was “forced to fiance” himself to his rich ex hussy in order to get the money to rebuild everything, and ugh, this is just the stinky pits. What’s worse is Charlotte’s total understanding, and almost admiration of how far Sidney is willing to go to help his brother.

The wedding was magic, and we should all just focus on this. Tuck this moment away in your hearts, and carry it around with you. Bring it out any time you’re sad about this season’s ending. Esther is appreciated. Esther is respected. Esther is our queen.

The NERVE on this hussy, flaunting her elaborate wedding plans in front of Charlotte as if she won Sidney’s heart fair and square. I have so many questions about this arrangement. Did Sidney propose to her for her money? Or did he go to her with an investment proposal, and she forced him to marry her for it? I mean, she KNOWS he’s Just Not That Into Her, so what exactly is going on in her mind and heart right now? Do they talk about the wedding like a business deal, or is Sidney actively deceiving her? INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

To add to our heartbreak, we got a quick glimpse of Diana and Arthur on their way back to their familial home, where Diana can figuratively and probably literally smother him to death. *long, disappointed sigh*.

Anyway.

Charlotte said goodbye to Mary (who still knows exactly what’s up), and the kids, then hopped in her carriage to leave Sanditon forever and ever. Of course the season couldn’t end like that, so Sidney chased her down to cause more drama, all, “this sucks, eh?” and she was like, “whatever,” and he was like, “k, but, we’re cool, right?” and she was like, “hahaha enjoy your shitty life with your hussy wife,” and he was like, “I won’t, though,” and she was like, “yeah, obviously, BYE.”

And that was it. She rode off crying, and the credits rolled.

You guys, I… I don’t even… I mean, I get it. I get the campaign on twitter. I get the outrage. I get the empty, blubbering dispair. They pulled us in, made us care, made us love, then tore our still beating hearts out of our chests and feasted upon them while singing a pithy tune.

Like I said before, this was a gamble; a gamble that, if not paid off, will become one of the cruellest tricks a creator has ever pulled on their audience.

The world is shitty enough right now. Please, just give us something nice.

SOME STUFF

I am not a patient woman, and yet I didn’t I skip the credit sequence. Not even once.

“You’ve made an effort. Good. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.”

“Why should it be for him?” Esther Denham is a Goddess.

After the fire, Tom went into a church and held a pity party (at a FUNERAL), blaming himself for everything. Mary gave him a pep-talk and made him feel better, at which point I yelled at my screen; “No, Mary! I LET HIM BLAME HIMSELF THE HAPLESS BOOB!”

The montage of everyone getting ready for the ball was very 90s-teen-movie, and I was absolutely about it.

I’m obviously a shipper of everyone – all the ships, I’m on ‘em. It must be said, however: Stringer is a better man than Sidney. I SAID WHAT I SAID.

Speaking of, STOP HURTING STRINGER. Just stop it!

While I am super glad that Lady Denham became likeable, I also don’t forgive her racist rudeness to Georgiana in episode 2. If this show gets a continuation (PLEASE, for the love of…), then I hope there is at least one scene between those two where it is acknowledged.

“Would you like to dance?”

– boring

– too direct

– doesn’t’ show off your vocabulary

“Care to stand up with me and trip the light fantastic?”

– has pizzaz

– the only phrasing that may tempt a sassy heiress

– #DreamboatArthurParker

Diana looking on jealously as Arthur danced was just the MOST Diana.

What do we think my crush Dr. Fuchs is up to? Cuddling some puppies? Solving world hunger? Writing me a love haiku?

“Do you expect to return to Sanditon again?” – “I hope so, but I cannot say for certain.” Goddamnit, Davis. You knew what you might be doing to us!

*announcer voice*

It’s Weekend Update, with Lady Denham, and Esther Babington…

Okay chums, I hope to someday bring you more Sanditon foolishness through my recaps, but if the TV Gods do not smile upon us, thank you for going on this delightful, downright soul-shattering journey with me. Stay safe out there!