After giving the three-time Eredivisie champion and Europa League runner-up zero minutes in the Premier League, Sam Allardyce has declared Davy Klaassen as ‘not good enough for the division’.

“I don’t have to watch someone do the thing they’re supposed to be good at to know whether or not they’ve got what it takes,” said Allardyce, taking unnatural gulps of gravy from his flask while struggling to breathe in-between words. “Sometimes you just know that a young Dutch international who captained Ajax from the age of 22 isn’t ready to make an impact in a team that has won 2 out of the last 9 league games. When your team is in that kind of form, you don’t turn to talented footballers such as Davvy Klaassen. It’s just not what you do.”

This outlook has confused a lot of Everton fans who have been clamouring for the amorphous manager to play the Dutch midfielder in the hope he is somehow better than the current crop of shite that is starting for the team.