Jeremy Corbyn ready to lose election

Jeremy Corbyn has given his backing for an early general election loss.

The leader of the Labour party and wise old sage from every fantasy film you’ve ever seen made the announcement this morning, saying that the time was right now that a no-deal Brexit has been taken off the table.

“We’re all looking forward to a narrow but inevitable defeat,” confirmed Labour spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“I mean we’ll have a go, obviously, but we’re realists. Boris has done a wonderful job of convincing enough people that he’s the sole defender of democracy, which is obviously bollocks – but it sounds terrific – and making bollocks sound terrific is all you need for an election victory these days.

“Whereas the public perception of Jeremy is that he’s either barely present or an active enemy of the will of the people, despite him saying he’s in favour of getting Brexit done with a sensible deal. Basically, it’s a PR war, and we know we’ve already lost that.

“Nonetheless, over the coming weeks, we will work on a manifesto full of good yet ultimately moot policies for the Daily Mail to rip to pieces and for our members to vociferously and pointlessly defend.

“We’ve booked a scout hut for our ‘victory’ party. Didn’t seem to be much point in pushing the boat out for a shindig that most people won’t stay at for more than two drinks.”

Voter, Jay Cooper, said “Corbyn? Nah.

“I mean yeah, I’m sure he means well, but so do most people.

“The general line-up for voting this year is about as appealing as the ITV schedule on a Tuesday morning, so I’m not sure I’ll even bother.”