SKOKIE, IL—In preparation for what could potentially be weeks of isolation ahead, movie theaters across the country were packed with frenzied crowds trying to catch a last-minute screening of Sonic The Hedgehog before Covid-19 hits their communities, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh Geez, the lines are so long—why didn’t I do this way earlier, like as soon as I first found out about coronavirus?” said local 36-year-old Brandon Flora, who was just one of thousands of anxious consumers across the country flocking to theaters to see the animated film about an anthropomorphic hedgehog while they still had time. “Ah, shit, I hope they have enough tickets. I was going to buy one online until I saw they were being jacked up to, like, $100. Thank God AMC is rationing them to four per person, but still, people are getting pretty aggressive. You don’t realize how important something like seeing the Sonic movie in theaters truly is until it’s almost taken away from you. I’d regret it forever if I didn’t see this on the big screen. Oh no, I should have asked my elderly neighbors if they needed a ride to go see Sonic.” At press time, a fight involving dozens of theater guests had broken out over the popcorn butter dispenser.

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