Sometimes I make something that tastes really good and when I sit down to write about it I just draw a blank. Usually when that happens, I might go off on some tangent about how drawing a blank is not a thing one can actually do and then I’d probably find a way to work in a sexual innuendo. “Something something I want you to draw a blank on me like one of your French girls.”

See? Works every time.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about Nutty Breakfast Bites! This recipe was inspired by My New Roots’ Life-Changing Loaf of Bread featured of Food52. First things first, what a bold thing to name a fucking loaf of bread, amiright? I mean, how shitty does your life have to be to have it changed by a loaf of bread? I understand gluten is a hell of a drug to celiacs but there are people out there who willingly stop eating bread. They’re called “low-carb” and “skinny” and “good looking.” (Hey! Two rambling tangents for the price of one! Hello new life! This must be what change feels like!)

So I said, whatever. Changing an entire life is absurd. Let’s just change mornings. For life.

That’s where my Nutty Breakfast Bites come in. With a few alterations, I turned Life-Changing Bread into Realistically-Improved-Morning Bites. They’re full of all the things you love and at least one thing you can’t pronounce (Psyllium Husks? More like “mumble mumble point me to the supplements sections please!” right??) and portion controlled for her pleasure. And if you don’t love some of these things, Nutty Breakfast Bites are highly customizable to include any and all things you do like. Chocolate chips and raisins are totally optional (but a delicious addition) and the seeds and nuts can be replaced with whatever seeds and nuts you want.

Alright, cool. That was my verbal impression of a Holiday Rambler. But like, with worse handling. And significantly less family fun.

Now, on with the world’s easiest recipe!

NUTTY BREAKFAST BITES

makes 12

ingredients:

12 silicone muffin baking cups

½ cup rolled oats

⅓ cup rye flakes

¼ cup raw unsalted pumpkin seeds

¼ cup raw unsalted sunflower seeds

¼ cup sliced almonds

2 tablespoons psyllium husk, whole flakes (found in the supplement aisle)

2 tablespoons ground flaxseed

1 tablespoon chia seeds

1 tablespoon hulled hemp seeds

1 teaspoon salts

1 tablespoon mini chocolate chips (EnjoyLife is vegan and the new love of my life)

½ ounce-ish raisins

1 tablespoon coconut oil, melted

2 teaspoons maple syrup

¾ cup warm water

don’t be alarmed by the words “colon cleanse” on the carton of psyllium husk but also be alarmed:

In a medium bowl, combine all the dry ingredients. Whisk to fully mix. In a smaller bowl, whisk together the maple syrup, melted coconut oil, and warm water. Combine the wet with the dry. Mix it all. Scoop equally into the 12 silicone muffin cups. Pack it in there. Let the mixture sit in the cups for 3-4 hours.

After that nap or whatever you did for 3-4 hours, heat the oven to 350. Place the silicone baking cup thingers on a baking sheet. Bake for 25 minutes. Remove the baking sheet from the oven and carefully flip the muffins out of the burning hot cups (I said carefully!). Bake them upside down for another 30 minutes. Remove from the oven for real this time. If you want to slice them, wait for them to cool completely. If you want to just eat them with your hands and mouth and face, fuck waiting. Also, I like the way you eat things.

Store in the fridge in an airtight container.

NUTRITION

per bite

111 calories

9g carbs

7g fat

5g protein

3g fiber

1g sugar