Mississippi's lottery: The day Hades froze over

Marshall Ramsey | Clarion Ledger

Snowdrifts piled up against charred stalagmites as a cold wind howled through Hades. Two shivering demons pushed their way through the blinding squall, trying to find some shelter from the sudden snowstorm.

“What the heck is going on?” one of the demons shouted over the gale.

“Must be global cooling,” the second demon yelled back. “Well, at least the globe’s core is cooling. You know, Hades freezing over stuff.”

“Is it man-made?” The first devil asked as he pulled his hat down over his horns.

“Of course it’s man-made.”

The second demon sighed,“Let me guess, it’s Mississippi again, isn’t it?”

Another gust of wind nearly blew them down.

“Yup. It’s always Mississippi,” the second demon answered as he tried to wrap his scarf tighter around his frozen nose. “Remember that time they legalized alcohol? That was the Blizzard of 1966. Who expected Mississippi to sell the Devil’s tonic? And soon, you might even be able to have it shipped to you in a dry county. Then there was that day when they started to sell cold beer in Oxford. It must have snowed a foot that day.”

“And I still remember the blizzard caused by the whole Drankin’ in Rankin vote,” the first demon added.

“You mean liquor by the drink. I had an inch of ice on my tail that day. It must’ve snowed a foot. Once again, I thought Hell would freeze over when that happened — and guess what? It did. But even Beelzebub was shocked by it.” The second demon scoffed, “Hell just isn’t what it used to be. I had to vacation for a week in the Delta to find a place that was warm enough for my taste.”

“Did you run into that nice young man with the guitar at the crossroads?”

“I did. And I gave him a few guitar lessons, too.”

“What were the roads like?”

“Hellish. I think this is what this is all about.”

Another gust nearly knocked them down. The wind howled like a million damned souls.

“So what is causing this?”

“A lottery. The governor proposed one and the Legislature actually passed it.”

The first demon looked shocked. “The tax on people who can’t do math? You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, I thought the casinos and Baptist preachers would have shot it down. No wonder it’s snowing again. Well, I’m sure they’ll put the money to good use. Are they going to use the proceeds to fund their underfunded educational system?”

“Kind of. The first $80 million will go into fixing roads and bridges. Anything over that goes to an ‘Educational Enhancement Fund.' After 10 years, it goes directly into the General Fund.

“Ohhh, the General Fund. That will be spent faster than you can say 'Tobacco Trust Fund.' But back up for a second. You mean the governor proposed and fought for a lottery? Phil Bryant? Phil Bryant, who is a Family Research Council's Samuel Adams Religious Freedom Award winner, is a champion of gambling? Didn’t see that one coming either.

“They badly needed the revenue. Funny how politicians act when times are lean. They went on a tax-cutting frenzy and woke up one day and realized they needed money to fix their crumbling infrastructure. But it didn’t happen without some drama. It initially lost in the House and caused a panic in the governor’s office. The governor’s people went into action. Apparently, they twisted some arms and people flipped. I heard Speaker Philip Gunn almost swore after the do-over vote. He wasn’t a fan of the lottery. But the people like it. It’s a game of chance — just like driving over a Mississippi bridge.”

Another gust of cold wind once again nearly knocked the two demons off their feet. Snow started coming down even harder, completely whiting Hades out.

“It hasn’t snowed this hard since they legalized gaming.”

“Wasn’t all that money supposed to go to education?”

Both demons laughed so hard that tears froze on their faces.

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