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If the sight of Rob Ford in a thong would drive the bears out of the woods, the notion of Ford arranging a political rally for Stephen Harper will drive the law-abiding and sane away from the Conservative party — never to return.

The idea of standing in front of a campaign rally in a half-filled room with Rob and Doug Ford in the front row — glaring with their tiny, mad eyes — would be enough to scare the pants off a hitman.

And yet, that’s the humiliating scene to which Stephen Harper submitted himself like a lamb in Etobicoke earlier in the week. On Saturday, the Fords will do it to him again when they host the Conservative leader at another Toronto party rally. The Conservative campaign has now passed beyond putting out fires, into the realm of flat-out, hair-pulling desperation.

First, Harper sidelined hatchet-girl Jenni Byrne in favour of Lynton Crosby, a race-baiting democracy-killer from Down Under. (Or maybe he didn’t. Crosby’s business partner says he was never attached to the Conservative campaign, formally or otherwise. “We don’t do bit-part politics,” Mark Textor said. Burn.)

Anyway, when Crosby didn’t work out as advertised, Steve turned to a ‘reformed’ crack-smoking boozer. This is the man who, between swigs from a vodka bottle, turned Toronto into a madhouse while he was mayor — a world-class city reduced to a running joke. (Some people benefitted, it’s true. Thanks to Ford, David Letterman’s monologues were writing themselves for a while.)

Turning to Rob Ford to save your political bacon is like asking Bernie Madoff to do your taxes. And it’s not just Harper’s dubious choice in allies that smells of panic. There’s also Harper’s tiresome habit of trying to lie his way out of trouble.

You know, the way he FU-35’ed the country during the 2011 general election on the cost of those new fighter jets. The guy who reported the facts, then-parliamentary budget officer Kevin Page, was the one who crashed and burned. That’s what happens to those who tell the inconvenient truth in Harperland. Linda Keene, Munir Sheikh, Bill Casey and Richard Colvin — all deep-sixed for their unwillingness to keep their mouths shut.

Faced with the unhappy prospect of being the next speed bump under his own bus, Harper is at it again — hosing down the electorate with lies in the desperate hope that something will stick. Here’s the gist of his latest whopper:

In a new series of Conservative party ads, translated into Chinese and Punjabi and running in small newspapers and flyers, Harper claims that Justin Trudeau’s values boil down to: community brothels, bubblegum and doobies waiting for the kids in every corner store and safe injection sites for drug addicts. So, yeah. Pretty much the end of civilization as we know it.

The B.C. Sikh Gurdwara Council was not impressed. Here’s how the council’s spokesperson, Mohinder Singh, put it: “This is something that makes us feel that we’re being targeted in a lowly way — that we can actually be manipulated into voting just through scare tactics and almost fear-mongering.”

Singh is right, of course. Justin Trudeau is not in favour of community brothels, or any other kind. He’s not in favour of selling pot in corner stores. He sees safe injection sites as a public health issue — just like the Canadian doctors who tried to explain it to then-health minister Tony Clement at a CMA convention back in 2009.

How ludicrous is the Conservatives’ enlistment of the Ford Nation? When asked about the extravaganza scheduled for this Saturday — which the Fords will doubtless stack with bug-eyed Kool-Aid drinkers — Steve couldn’t even bring himself to speak their names. How ludicrous is the Conservatives’ enlistment of the Ford Nation? When asked about the extravaganza scheduled for this Saturday — which the Fords will doubtless stack with bug-eyed Kool-Aid drinkers — Steve couldn’t even bring himself to speak their names.

The CMA reiterated its support for safe injections sites last May when it called for the Harper government to withdraw Bill C-2: “This law is a thinly veiled attempt to end supervised injection services. Period.”

Not only is Harper’s latest foray into paranoid political fantasy offensive, it’s probably against the law. Here’s what Section 91 of the Elections Act has to say about misrepresenting opponents in an election:

“No person shall, with the intention of affecting the results of an election, knowingly make or publish any false statement or fact in relation to the personal character or conduct of a candidate or prospective candidate.”

Playing by the rules isn’t Steve’s strong suit, of course. He still deserves a Guinness entry for passing the most items of unconstitutional legislation in Canadian history. This is the guy who made legal things that were illegal at the time — retroactively.

The Liberals aren’t likely to fight fire with fire — not unless the personal attacks go much deeper. Never say never. Besides, they now have to deal with the shenanigans of one of their own — former co-campaign chair Daniel Gagnier, who should be ashamed of himself for failing to realize voters have had it with back-room politics.

Meanwhile, Harper the wily strategist has put himself in an untenable position. His campaign now looks more like a Laurel and Hardy skit than a master plan. He has called out Justin Trudeau over his values, but then called in the Fords (the Fords!) to reverse his fortunes in Toronto.

Have you been driven by a Ford lately? These guys used to run amok in Toronto City Hall like a demented WrestleMania tag-team, knocking down fellow council members and chirping at spectators in the gallery.

Both brothers have been linked to the drug trade — the Globe and Mail reported that Doug sold hash in the 1980s. Rob’s admission of drug use happened under duress, of course, since by the time he owned up to it, everybody on the planet with a phone had seen the video of him with his Happy Pipe. He was an out-of-control substance abuser — just the kind of foil you want for a libertine like Justin, right?

It was before that video materialized — but after the story had broken — that Harper rushed down to Toronto with a fat federal cheque for the new transit line. After the video surfaced, Harper was suddenly telling everyone that he didn’t comment on matters in other jurisdictions. So there were no more Harper/Ford fishing excursions — until this latest one, which is fishing for votes.

Jason Kenney, you’ll remember, took a different view. Unlike his leader, he called on Ford to resign for disgracing his office. But that was before … when the Conservatives weren’t busy losing an election.

How ludicrous is the Conservatives’ enlistment of the Ford Nation as the Good Ship Harper takes on a heavy list to starboard? When asked about the extravaganza scheduled for this Saturday — which the Fords will doubtless stack with bug-eyed Kool-Aid drinkers — Steve couldn’t even bring himself to speak their names.

Instead, he talked about that “family” that helped in Conservative causes. Did he really think that by not saying their names, people would forget that the guys helping to organize the bash aren’t exactly poster children for family values?

Does Harper really think the Fords don’t remember that he called them a “bunch of losers” when talking to the guy who ended up replacing Rob Ford as mayor, John Tory? Who’s the loser now? And what has Steve been smoking?

Maybe Harper was hoping people would forget. Some hope. Ford’s former chief of staff, Mark Towhey, has just published a devastating book on what it was like working up close and personal alongside this human trainwreck. The title says it all — Mayor Rob Ford: Uncontrollable: How I Tried to Help the World’s Most Notorious Mayor.

According to the author, pulling Rob Ford out of cowflops for a living was very bad for the health of his 14-person staff. The undeclared benefits package included depression, unresolved anger, cancer — and unemployability. But what would you expect from a job cleaning up after a confessed crackhead described by Maclean’s as “a full blown addict with connections to a seedy underworld of drug dealers and gangsters”?

Sound like political saviour material to you?

Maybe Brian Jean, the leader of Wildrose Party, had it right. Maybe the only way to vote for Steve is to hold your nose — or close your eyes.

Michael Harris is a writer, journalist, and documentary filmmaker. He was awarded a Doctor of Laws for his “unceasing pursuit of justice for the less fortunate among us.” His nine books include Justice Denied, Unholy Orders, Rare ambition, Lament for an Ocean, and Con Game. His work has sparked four commissions of inquiry, and three of his books have been made into movies. His new book on the Harper majority government, Party of One, is a number one best-seller.

Readers can reach the author at [email protected]. Click here to view other columns by Michael Harris.

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