That’s right, folks, the infamous results, recap and analysis article is back, where I tell you what’s going on and give my own brand of feedback which has been described (probably with a heavy dose of hyperbole) as “Seinfeld-ian”. Whether people loved it or considered it a train-wreck, it has been popular, so let’s see if I can recapture some of the magic.

New GM

For the first time in as long as I can recall, Smackdown has a new General Manager, and he’s starting off the show. The over-under line for non-mocking “playa” references is set at 1 and is the worst bet in Vegas right now.

David Otunga gets things started, and is it just me, or does the start of his music remind you of what you might expect the Usos to show up with?

Even though it would be a little slap in the face of his wife, does anyone else think David Otunga could get more heel heat by having Jennifer Hudson record an R&B ballad for his entrance? He could stand atop the ramp, enjoying the sweet sounds of her singing, forcing a group of fans to sit through it despite how poorly it fits in the tone of the night’s event. It might be hard to picture, so if I get a chance, I’ll take a video of his entrance and set it to one of Hudson’s songs and see what you think.

Michael Cole saying that John Laurinaitis is going to take Smackdown to new heights… is that a veiled rip on Teddy Long’s diminutive stature?

Laurinaitis claims that he’s going to make Smackdown a more “creative” show, but just comparing/contrasting the personal style in the way both of them dress, I highly doubt that will be the case.

Teddy Long gets a chance to show up and say goodbye, and he takes the opportunity to tell Laurinaitis to go to hell. He also gets the fans to give him a “Holla Holla Holla!” before he leaves… or tries to.

Laurinaitis finishes telling Teddy Long what he brought him to the ring to say, offering to give him a job in his “administration”. Long tells JL to take the job and shove it… but John says Teddy should think about the college education of his grandchildren.

David Otunga lawyers up and talks about the college fund WWE setup for Long’s grandkids, and technically the language in the contract says the college fund is controlled by “the Smackdown General Manager”.

Essentially Teddy Long thought he was going to be employed long enough to make that happen.

So now Teddy Long essentially has to take the job… and the first stipulation is that he has to “admit” that Laurinaitis is better than him. Teddy gives in, makes the announcement, then heads backstage to start his new job… which Laurinaitis hasn’t determined yet.

Tonight’s show:

Randy Orton vs Kane in a No Disqualification Match

R-Truth vs David Otunga & Mark Henry in a Handicap Match

One thing I keep noticing with WWE is that more often than not, if there’s an African-American man in a singles match, his opponent ends up being African-American as well. That’s something I’m going to start tracking.

Handicap Match: R-Truth vs David Otunga & Mark Henry

R-Truth more than holds his own, until Mark Henry catches him in a mistake and plants him with the World’s Strongest Slam… but before Henry can pin him, Otunga begs to enter the match, at which point he gets the easy pin for the win. Far too frequently something happens in situations like that and the person who looked to be the loser ends up finding a way to squeak through and get a win, adding tension to the pairing who should’ve won. Glad to see Henry & Otunga get that victory, as it sets up the concept for future Handicap Matches that it’s really NOT fair for the short-sided team. If I see one more time where a Main Eventer single-handedly destroys a legit tag team…

Side-Note: Abraham Washington, former “talk show host” on the ECW show, is seen backstage watching the match, giving us continuation on the storyline where he gave Mark Henry a business card back on RAW. The talk show, in case you hadn’t seen it, was a bit of a train wreck, but “AW” (as they’re calling him now) is a great talker, and he’d be a great manager. Does Mark Henry need the help? Not as much as some others might, but if he gets paired up with someone who can’t talk, AW would be a great mouthpiece for a tag team.

Commentary Note: Apparently Booker T has been summoned to Connecticut to WWE Headquarters for a “closed door” meeting.

No DQ Match: Randy Orton vs Kane

The Big Red Machine shows up before the competitors from the handicap match have the chance to even leave the ring, but if any confrontation occurred, it happened during the commercial and Kane didn’t even take the time to take off his mask.

As you might expect, this one left the ring, the duo battled over onto the entrance stage. Despite some decent action near the edge of the platform, following a commercial we find ourselves back in the ring. Before the match is over, we go to the outside… and for Kane, momentarily into the crowd.

With Randy Orton essentially out cold due to a boot to the face, Kane throws 5 chairs into the ring, but before he gets back in, Randy Orton smashes the edge of one of the chairs into Kane, then hits his rope-hanging DDT onto one of them. The two battle back and forth, each using some chairs as weapons, and were it not for the brutality of the HHH / Undertaker match at WrestleMania 28, this is how match should’ve been booked… though they likely wanted to give Kane some additional credibility, and to end this one, Randy Orton hit an RKO after Kane hits the exposed steel of an uncovered corner turnbuckle.

Futures Contract

They force us to re-live the terrible WrestleMania moment where D.Bryan lost his match in 18 seconds, and then they show us a recap of how Alberto Del Rio shows up to challenge Sheamus back on RAW. The duo face off tonight, and if ADR gets the win, he gets a future title shot.

Match: Barry Stevens vs Ryback

Backstage before the match, the locker room laughs at the competitor before the man formerly known as Skip Sheffield shows up. His injury is all healed up. The locker room is enjoying the destruction by Ryback… and now WWE officially has four guys on the roster who just destroy people: Brodus Clay, Brock Lesnar, Lord Tensai and Ryback.

The 18 Seconds Of D.Bryan

With AJ in tow, D.Bryan gets some time in the middle of the ring with a mic in his hand. He lets us know that the ONE positive for him with having lost the match is that he had some time to reflect about when it all went wrong… but he can’t bring himself to explain it to us. AJ tries to psych him up about it… mentioning how the fans are all there to support him, so is she, but he has his doubts. In fact, he gets the fans to STOP chanting “YES” by saying that the people are mocking him… and he blames AJ for costing him the Heavyweight Championship. Listing off his accomplishments, beating Orton, Big Show and Mark Henry, he says that losing in 18 seconds was AJ’s fault for NEEDING the kiss before the match.

AJ begs Bryan to stop blaming her, but NOPE, he lays blame on her, and he breaks up with her. The pre-match kiss at WrestleMania 28 was the last they’ll share, so he claims. How far has D.Bryan come in a year? It wasn’t that long ago where the Bella Twins were fighting over him, trying to see which of them could get him into bed first, and he was happy to just be dating Gail Kim. Now he’s dumping girlfriends in the ring and the fans are giving her the “hey hey hey, goodbye chants”.

Cody Rhodes on Commentary

We get a quick recap of two things at WrestleMania, first being Undertaker / HHH, and then as a transition piece, Big Show’s win over Cody Rhodes is mentioned… and the former Intercontinental Champion is on commentary.

Match: Big Show vs Heath Slater

We get treated to an “embarrassing Cody Rhodes WrestleMania moment” before the match. The action, on the other hand, provides nothing surprising aside from the fact that Big Show now uses The Pounce as a setup move. And if you don’t know the name “The Pounce”, you should Google Monty Brown / Marcus Cor Von.

Cody gets invited into the ring after the match, but declines, so Big Show takes out Heath Slater for a second time.

RAW Recap – Jericho pours one out over CM Punk, and that’s all the recap I do for RAW… until Smackdown starts getting equal treatment on Mondays.

Fairness and Professionalism Training

John Laurinaitis gives Sheamus a little lesson in fairness and professionalism due to how Sheamus kicked Daniel Bryan and Alberto Del Rio in the past week when neither of them were ready.

Match: Beth Phoenix vs The Team Teddy Bella Twin

Apparently this is Nikki Bella, who is getting not-punished for being part of Team Teddy at WrestleMania. Phoenix dominates, but with a little help from a distraction by Kelly Kelly, Nikki Bella is able to score a pinfall.

Decent booking, and I’m guessing this has something to do with the return of Dave “Fit” Finlay to WWE as a road agent, who is notorious for doing interesting things with Divas matches.

Fallen Chief

We get a nice recap video showing fans about the career of Chief Jay Strongbow, who is by all accounts one of the greatest road agents in WWE history and running the company from a wrestling perspective. Bret Hart mentioned it in his book, and his death is certainly something to be mourned.

Damien Sandow

A new great character debuts in a pre-recorded segment, and while he’s got quite the vocabulary, we’ll see if he’s able to back up his words when he comes face to face with some of the competitors whom he claims are the downfall of the current social climate of the WWE Universe (such as, potentially, Santino Marella and Zack Ryder?).

Another RAW Recap – Brock Lesnar Takes Out John Cena – yet again, not recapping a recap. I’d rather talk about Brodus Clay or Lord Tensai.

Host-ooges

Apparently RAW is going to be “graced” by the “presence” of the Three Stooges – which looks like a God awful film. I hope the crowd mocks them relentlessly.

Match: Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio

Let me guess… Alberto Del Rio is going to win the match… or get attacked by whomever will be his opponent at the upcoming pay per view (such as maybe Rey Mysterio?).

Apparently Alberto Del Rio hasn’t wrestled on Smackdown since October? I KNEW something made the blue show enjoyable over the past few months.

When Sheamus does his clubbing shots to the chest of an opponent who is trapped in the ropes, it occurs to me that it shows just how inept the referees are. The fans can count to 10 while Sheamus is laying into an opponent, and yet, the ref can’t even count to 5? Sheamus isn’t THAT fast.

Booker T describes Alberto Del Rio as a scientist in the ring, which seems like an awkward comparison. What’s he doing, mixing chemicals and looking for reactions? Is he cutting something open and studying what makes it work (which could be a comparison, but it’d be something he’d do while watching film).

So Sheamus is getting set to finish the match, Ricardo Rodriguez interferes on Alberto Del Rio’s behalf… Sheamus stops him…. the referee SEES it happen… Alberto tries to use a chair… Sheamus stops him… Sheamus gets the chair, DOESN’T use it… the referee ASSUMES he uses it… and THAT ASSUMPTION is grounds for a disqualification but the ACTUAL interference by Ricardo Rodriguez ISN’T?

Great.

Sheamus flattens the referee, and he’s damn well within his rights to have kicked him. Sure, he’ll be punished by WWE “management” for it, but it was worth it, I’m sure.

Handing Out Grades:

D.Bryan – B+

Shouldn’t have ditched AJ, ’cause I don’t see another WWE Diva Hottie in your future, and your promo was great but we can’t give you an A on this show because you didn’t wrestle… and wrestling’s what you do best. Especially because during your promo, you basically told people to stop chanting “YES!” along with you, and from what I’ve heard, WWE is working on a new tshirt with that very catchphrase. Not very timely for anyone.

Sheamus – B+

Very enjoyable match, and he certainly showed more depth in this one instead of the smiling, joking competitor who occasionally yells.

Damien Sandow – B

The gimmick of saving the uneducated WWE Universe has been done before – somewhat recently by Chris Jericho, and back in the day by Shane “Dean” Douglas and, to an extent, The Genius Lanny Poffo. I like the potential for the character though, and it was a good old-school pre-taped promo.

Brodus Clay – B+

Wait, Brodus Clay wasn’t on the show? Exactly, that’s why he gets a B+ instead of the “D” he would’ve gotten had he shown up and done the same old thing.

Ryback – B

Decent squash match, happy he’s returning, but this is poor timing by WWE management to have a lot going on all at the same time.

Cody Rhodes – A-

Pitch perfect on commentary and in the attack he attempted on Big Show.

David Otunga – B-

Far better than I would typically judge him, but he was decent on the mic with Teddy Long, and he played his role nicely in the end of the handicap match.

Mark Henry – B

Made things look believable against R-Truth, then dominated when he needed to, and showed a perfect reaction when David Otunga wanted to get tagged in at the end to claim credit for the victory.

Kane & Orton – A

They both get an A for the good match they put on, which was WrestleMania-worthy… not that it would’ve stolen the show at ‘Mania, but it’s the quality of a match that they would’ve put on had it not interfered with the intensity of the Hell In A Cell.

Show as a Whole – B+

Strong show that didn’t break too many new boundaries, but certainly pushed forward on a few storylines and debuted two competitors whom I’m really looking forward to seeing.