Last week, I found myself in a bind. I was having a tough time figuring out what to write about here, and my “deadline” was approaching.

As I sat in my living room with (nearly blank) notebook in hand, my wife walked in and asked what I was doing. I told her I was failing to write a Magic post, and she promptly stole my notebook and wrote the following.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did:

Hello out there in internet-land! Today we’re going to figure out what Magic is. This post is geared towards the absolute newby, so all you veterans, see you next month!

First – you need to have a deck of cards. Now, don’t do what I did and show up to your first “magic” tournament with a deck of trick cards. No, these are special cards that feature various hard-to-pronounce monsters with quotes attributed to historical figures from our nation’s proud history (I assume). Head to a Game Store to acquire these babies.

“But wait Matt P. Magic, what about tarot? Are these cards not magical too?” you may ask. Yes, young initiate, they are magical, but unfortunately they do not gather correctly. You can’t play MtG with a tarot deck. That said, I do occasionally slip a tarot card or two into my deck when I play COMMANDER, as that format is more forgiving.

Next, you will need some dice. Glitter dice are best, and in a variety of shapes. You can use these to track your life force and also to negotiate battles. Try to match your dice color to your favorite Magic color. There are five colors of magic that scholars have so far discovered. If purple, orange, or yellow are your favorite colors, you will need to choose a different game to learn. Similarly, if you are red/green colorblind, you will need to learn the difference between fires and forests. Practice, so you can tell at a moment’s notice in the heat of battle.

Your deck will need to have an assortment of lands, and an assortment of creatures to live in these lands. The price of their citizenship is that they must be ready to be summoned by you and do battle at a moment’s notice.

This brings us to the third thing you’ll need: an opponent to engage in magical battle. How do you find your opponent? There are many ways. Before Smart Phones, players would hire witches to enchant magical divining rods that, on Saturdays, they could use to point themselves in the direction of another wizard plainswalker Planeswalker. Yes, readers! YOU are a Planeswalker, or will become one after you summon your first gathering of magic monster minions and duel.

Luckily, with the advent of the internet, you can now merely look up a “Game Store” and lurk there until someone accepts your challenge. For traditional Magic formats (i.e. Standard, Draft, Pack Wars), go inside the store. For no holds barred Street Magic, (i.e. Knuckle Brawl, Shank Muppet, Thug), go to the alley behind the store and wait there.

At the beginning of your Magical career, exercise some discretion when choosing your opponent. Much like virginity, you do not want your first planeswalking experience to be with someone else who has also never walked the planes. Choose someone who looks knowledgeable, because many hours of explaining the rules are often required. Also choose someone who looks kindly or has bad vision so that you may take advantage of them if necessary.

Cannot see Very nice guy A wizard

“But Matt P. Magic,” you may protest, “isn’t it poor sportsmanship to crush somebody who’s being nice to you?” Listen kid, if you’re gonna pull a bunch of critters ‘n creatures out of their worlds and through the BLIND ETERNITIES to do battle on your behalf, you better mean it. They will die in service to banishing your boredom. Your human opponent? Will not.

This brings us to my last bit of advice for the beginner. You are not allowed to attack your opponent directly. You must use your monsters. If you’d like to directly attack your opponent, you may prefer pursuing a different activity, such as boxing. Or debate.

Good Luck out there!

If you liked this post, you may also want to check out the logo swag that Red Phacelia designed for the blog, which is available over at our new TeePublic store. Thanks for reading!