Anticipating apocalypse and the expiration of corned beef.

Citizens Demand Accurate Predictions for Doomsday! (El Observador, Uruguay)

"We, responsible citizens, who hoard groceries and buy ammunition for our guns, need someone to tell us when everything is to explode, in order to know when we need to renew our provisions or whether we'll be able to survive on what we have. It would be awful if, after waiting all this time, the end of the world found us with our gunpowder wet, so that we couldn't shoot the heads off those who would rob us of our cans of corned beef!"

By Bimbo Depauli

Translated By Halszka Czarnocka

October 20, 2013

Uruguay - El Observador - Original Article (Spanish)

Uruguay President José Mujica addressing the U.N. General Assembly, Sept, 24. Mujica, who is said to be the poorest head of state in the world and still lives on a farm, explains how difficult it is for the poverty-stricken to share in the market-driven prosperity prevalent in the world today. He also warns of the destruction of the natural world and the rapid changes in lifestyle. UNITED NATIONS VIDEO: Uruguay President Jose Mujica addresses the 68th opening of the U.N. General Assembly, Sept. 24, 00:46:45

It's been a while since anyone has told us when the world will end, which we need to know in order to take precautions.

The world was to end several times last year. There have been capriciously-interpreted Mayan prophecies, a pair of North American preachers said Judgment Day was imminent, and still others revealed new apocalyptic versions of the writings of Nostradamus, so vague that they may just as well mean that the lady next door will get highlights in her hair as the world is ending.

The problem is that the world went on without batting an eyelid, moving gradually toward destruction, but in no way indicating what it will succumb to. That shows a real lack of respect toward those of us who, as diligent citizens, are meticulously preparing for the coming Apocalypse.

It's one thing to announce that an international crooner will sing on such and such a day, and then, citing technical problems, cancel the event shortly thereafter, when the fact was that not enough tickets were sold to make the occasion profitable. That has happened hundreds of times and is acceptable, understandable, and sometimes even desirable. But to say that the world is going to end and then see it not end, is deplorable from every perspective. Especially when no new date is fixed!

We, responsible citizens, who hoard groceries and buy ammunition for our guns, need someone to tell us when everything is to explode, in order to know when we need to renew our provisions or that whether we'll be able to survive on what we have. It would be awful if, after waiting all this time, the end of the world found us with our gunpowder wet, so that we couldn't shoot the heads off those who would rob us of our cans of corned beef!

Some who are hopelessly out of touch might argue that it makes no sense to gather provisions if the world is going to end. However, members of any video rental service know that the world never entirely ends, someone is always left alive, in which case, it is necessary to have a well-supplied pantry. Particularly in Uruguay, where things are always left half done. It's possible that the Apocalypse will wipe out everyone in Europe and the United States, where things are done properly, but in our country, for bureaucratic reasons or sheer laziness, there will never be total devastation.

That's why we urgently need someone to set a new date for doomsday. The author himself has 276 cans of peas that expire in 2016. It would be good to know if it makes sense to keep them, or change them for ones that are good through, say, 2020. I'm not going to permit the end-of-it-all to surprise me with expired canned peas. There could be nothing worse than to survive the end times and like an idiot, die of botulism!

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Humans, are creatures of habit. It is of the utmost importance that someone tell us what will happen and when, even in the case of calamity. If you tell me that humanity will vanish from the face of Earth within three or four years, I'll be able to walk the streets calmly, unafraid that a milk truck might run me over. Having amassed provisions to survive the Apocalypse comforts me to live until it comes and even somewhat longer, since I'm probably the only one with enough canned peas. But for that I must urgently know the date, because they'll expire in just over two years. It's the same with shotgun cartridges. The casings hold up well, but the powder is perishable and gets humid in no time, preventing one from shooting to pieces the zombies, which as everyone knows, are going to rise when the end times come.

Posted By Worldmeets.US

It was already disrespectful to continue past last December, but we should never have trusted the Mayans, who couldn't even predict the end of their own civilization. Yet the world is full of preachers, and I have no idea what the hell they're doing now, but whatever it is, they are obviously not doing it well, because for months, no one in Texas has been thumping their Bible and telling us that Judgment Day is right around the corner.

So if anyone knows the date of the coming disaster, please pass it to this reporter before my peas expire. Thank you.

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Posted By Worldmeets.US Oct. 20, 2013, 04:59am