Photograph by Lebrecht Music and Arts Photo Library / Alamy

HAGAR: Wait, so, you’re just going to leave me and your son out in the desert?

ABRAHAM: Yep.

HAGAR: Why?

ABRAHAM: God said so.

HAGAR: You also told me God said that I shouldn’t hum and that I should stop snoring.

ABRAHAM: God says a lot of things.

HAGAR: So, this doesn’t have anything to do with your wife—the one who had the genius idea of you begetting a child with me in the first place—being jealous, and you being completely spineless about it?

ABRAHAM: Well, that’s why God is telling me to leave you in the desert.

HAGAR: What do we do for water?

ABRAHAM: God’ll figure it out.

HAGAR: But—

ABRAHAM: O.K., bye!

ISHMAEL: Bye, Dad!

LEAH (Wearing a wedding veil over her face): Dad, I don’t know about this. Seems like it’s going to be pretty scarring for both of us.

LABAN: Leah, my eldest. Quiet.

RACHEL: I hate you!

LABAN: Don’t hate me—hate your sister! She’s the one who’s about to marry your fiancé. I was only the one who planned and orchestrated the entire scheme.

ABRAHAM: Hey, just dropping in to see Ishmael.

RIBAH: Oh, O.K. He’s out, but do you want to wait here for a bit?

ABRAHAM: Sure. So, what are you, his wife?

RIBAH: Yeah.

ABRAHAM: Was there, like, a wedding?

RIBAH: Yes, five children ago.

ABRAHAM: Dang. Guess I missed some stuff.

REUBEN: Dad, listen. I’ve been going to therapy recently, doing a lot of reflecting, and there’s something I want to say to you.

JACOB: Speak, my son.

REUBEN: Sometimes it feels like you play favorites.

JACOB: What? I love all of my children equally. Especially Joseph. Come here, Joseph! There’s my boy. Here, check out this sweet-ass coat I bought, just for you. Try it on.

REUBEN: I feel like this is a good example of—

JACOB: Give us a twirl, Joseph!

ABRAHAM: So, how are things with you and Ishmael?

RIBAH: Oh, it’s a bit of a struggle, not gonna lie. Money’s tight. Plus, you know Ishmael—all those daddy issues.

ABRAHAM: Come again?

RIBAH: Well, he’s told you that his father left him and his mom in a desert when he was a child, right? And yet for some reason he still longs for his father’s approval. It’s baffling.

ABRAHAM: Hmm. Well, I’ve got to get going, can you give this note to Ishmael?

RIBAH: Sure.

RIBAH: Oh, hey, some old guy came by to visit, and he left this note for you.

ISHMAEL unseals the note, which reads:

YOUR IFEWAY COMPLAINS A LOT.

ETGAY A EWNAY ONE

—ABRAHAM (DAD)

ISHMAEL: Listen . . . I don’t think this marriage is working out.

HAM walks into a room to see NOAH sprawled out naked on the floor with an empty wine jug next to him. HAM stumbles out, laughing, and finds his brothers SHEM and JAPETH.

HAM: You guys, Dad’s in there passed out naked on the floor!

JAPETH: Again?

SHEM: Damn it, where’s the blanket?

SHEM and JAPETH carry a blanket into the room to cover NOAH while HAM continues to laugh outside.

NOAH: Ham. HAM. I can hear you laughing. HAM! Stop it, Ham. That’s it, I’m cursing Canaan.

HAM: My son, your grandson, Canaan? You’re cursing him because I saw you naked when you were drunk?

NOAH: You heard me right. (Hiccups.)

ISAAC: Dad, what are we sacrificing today?

ABRAHAM: You’ll see.

ISAAC: I wish I had stayed home.

ABRAHAM: Well, I guess you should have listened to God when he told me to tell you to stop running around in the field screaming all day while your father was trying to nap.

ISAAC: I’m sorry, Dad.

ABRAHAM: It’s O.K. You’re a good kid, Isaac. I guess we can sacrifice a goat instead.

ISAAC: Instead of what?

JESUS: So, there’s no other way we can go about this?

GOD: Sorry, son. I don’t make the rules.