Tom will be here shortly. In the meantime, a brief rundown of the early news:

• Ravel Morrison, rated as one of the most naturally talented young players to come through Manchester United's ranks since Paul Scholes, is joining West Ham United after being told he is not getting another contract at Old Trafford.

• Everton expect to complete the signing of Nikica Jelavic after having an improved offer of around £6m for the Croatia international striker accepted by Rangers.

• Martin O'Neill remains quietly optimistic that Kevin Davies may end up on Wearside after all. Sunderland's manager saw a £1m bid for the Bolton Wanderers striker rejected on Monday but retains hope that the deal could be revived.

• Sébastien Bassong and Steven Pienaar are desperate to leave Tottenham Hotspur for Queens Park Rangers before the winter transfer window closes but they face a nervous wait to see whether Spurs' chairman, Daniel Levy, finds the sums on offer acceptable.

• Manchester City's Carlos Tevez may spend the rest of the season in limbo after Milan announced there was little likelihood of signing him on loan.

• And Southampton have signed the Doncaster Rovers striker Billy Sharp for an undisclosed fee, while Matt Tubbs has left Crawley Town for Bournemouth in a deal understood to be worth £800,000.

Right. Paul Doyle had a brilliant preamble for you, full of insight, analysis and the most exciting transfer scoop of all time – but then he got the flu so in his jimjams sipping sugary tea and reading the Phantom Tollbooth. Instead, you've got me and we'll jump straight into the news: Nicholas Cendrowicz emails from (I presume Belgium) to tell us this story roughly translates as "RC Genk confirm that Kevin de Bruyne has signed at Chelsea.

Exclusive Guardian source Mr The News Wires has some Blackburn news for us ... they going to get relega... Sorry, they're about to sign Martin Olsson's twin brother, Marcus:

Swedish international defender Martin Olsson is to be joined at Blackburn Rovers by his twin brother Marcus, the midfielder told Swedish media on Tuesday. "My brother got the shock of his life when he heard," Marcus told Swedish newspaper Sportbladet.

Sky Sports says Wayne Bridge is having a medical at Sunderland. The medical will find that his muscles have atrophied after two years sat watching Pointless on his sofa. You can't blame him: Pointless is excellent. A few rumours going around that Kevin Davies could be off to the MLS, or stay at Bolton, or go to Sunderland.

Sky report that Liam Ridgewell is set to continue his sojourn around the West Midlands: West Brom have agreed a fee for him with Birmingham. West Brom have been looking for a regular own-goal scorer for quite a while now.

Here are the full details on that Wayne Bridge medical at Sunderland.

Sky Sports News report that they've extended their deal with England Test cricket to 2017 and the game in the country is now ace due to their coverage. But they weren't to blame for that business in Abu Dhabi at the weekend.

Bayer Leverkusen will ask to take Spurs's Vedran Corluka on loan for the rest of the season, according to PA Sport.

Michael Hunt writes in on the subject of Kevin Davies: "Realistically is there any team in the Premier League that would not be just a little bit better with Kevin Davies? The only team that you could really have said had an excellent strike force this season was Man City, and they're down one little broad scuttling fight-machine upfront anyway. I genuinely think he would lift any other team out there." Hmmm ... Kevin Davies is off to Man City.

QPR's Bradley Orr is having a medical at Blackburn. Global chicken sales are obviously up: that's Marcus Olsson and Orr already this morning.

Sky reckon the fee for Liam Ridgwell will be £2m.

"One team that would really benefit from having Kevin Davies in their side and could be the difference between Premiership and Championship football next season … Bolton," says Paul Ttereve. "Does Coyle really have the strength in depth to release such an effective alternative?" The answer is no.

Rusty Alanbritches has this zinger on the Bradley Orr to Blackburn transfer: "When Venky's talked about bringing in players like 'Ronaldinho or Beckham' Blackburn fans didn't realise that they were talking about three different players."

Sky have got their super-whizzy, transfer deadline day touch screen out and report that Wigan have had a bid for Watford captain Adrian Mariappa rejected. It's not exactly Fernando Torres to Chelsea, is it? Mainly because Mariappa would be a much better buy.

Confirmation that Kevin De Bruyne has completed his move to Chelsea on a five-and-a-half-year contract. He'll continue to play at Genk until June, ready for Chelsea's Europa League campaign in Ausgust.

David Hytner is on duty for the Guardian today and has some snippets for us: "Fulham are prepared to pay about 7.5m euros to Borussia Dortmund for the striker Lucas Barrios but the German club wants closer to 10m euros. Fulham have also got Stuttgart's Pavel Pogrebnyak on their radar, as uncertainty clings to the Craven Cottage futures of Bobby Zamora and Andy Johnson."

QPR, who are roaming the country sucking every available player into their transfer black hole, have got a bid for French football's favourite aristocrat lined up. Yup, Djibril Cissé has just reached the event horizon, just south of Loftus Road, and could play for the Hoops later this week.

John O'Callaghan writes in to tell us that Preston have had a bid for Cork City's Graham Cummins accepted. "He was the top scorer last season in the League of Ireland First Division," pips John.

West Ham have decided to stop relying on Mark Noble being quite good at taking penalties to boost the promotion bid and are mulling over a move for Barnsley forward Ricardo Vaz Te.

Sky Sports can confirm that Nikica Jelavic has arrived for a medical at Everton. We kind of knew that that was going to happen. But there's more! His agent drives a BMW and Nikica was sat in the back of the car!

Dom Fifield isn't convinced about Wilfried Zaha's transfer from Palace to Bolton: "With all this talk of Bolton tabling an improved off for Crystal Palace's 19-year-old winger, Wilfried Zaha, it appears the player himself is hardly keen on the move. He's just tweeted: 'Can everyone just stop tweeting and pinging me about Bolton #leaveitout.' Adding: 'Look forward to tonight's game', which is Palace's derby against Brighton & Hove Albion." Dom also adds: "Bolton HAVE tabled an improved offer for Zaha, but it's not as big as £7m and it's nowhere near what Palace would be prepared to sell for. He's not going anywhere at the moment..."

Wolves striker Andy Keogh has joined Millwall on a permanent deal for an undisclosed fee.

If you like your transfers a little more Football League, you can head over to our thread to discuss deadline day. As a bonus, there's no commentary from me.

André Villas-Boas doesn't sound that keen on Kevin de Bruyne's transfer to Chelsea. "In the sense that it's the club policy for the future. It's the right thing (to buy him) and I'll do everything in my power for him to reach maximum potential," says Villas-Boas. "But it's down to the club in decision-making."

"According to Deloitte, Premier League transfer spend so far in this window totals £35m vs £90m at same point last year," tweets Owen Gibson, discounting Richard Stearman's £60m move to Man City.

Twitter is abuzz – well, I have seen two whole tweets – that Man City are a bit bored and will sign Roma's David Pizarro just because they can.

Confirmation that West Ham and Barnsley have agreed a fee for Ricardo Vaz Te, who is confusingly wearing a Hibs shirt in the picture illustrating the article.

"Any news on Nicky Maynard," says Luke Davies. "The Bristol City record signing was rumoured to be going to either Wolves or Wigan." The first letter is right – apparently West Ham are about to get their mitts on him.

Milan started the transfer window chasing Carlos Tevez. We're not saying they've settled a little lower but ... they've completed the signing of teenage striker Philipp Prosenik from Chelsea. Milan tried to sign him in in 2009, but Prosenik opted to join Chelsea's academy.

Confirmation that Liam Ridgwell is set to join West Brom. So that's confirming something that will probably happen. Not sure if that's confirmation enough for you. "This Sky Sports Transfer Deadline day is a strange beast," writes Lee Broderick. "Take this gent on the fancy interactive touch-board thing. His information is second hand and slightly dull; pointless really. But his delivery is strangely creepy; a kind of slithery, David Bowie in 'Labyrinth', 'I-know-something-you-don't' kind of vibe. It's all oddly watchable." Did you not know that is actually David Bowie?

"Tom, I have a very boring question," begins Chris Gannon perking me up immediately," almost as boring as wondering who will sign up a washed up journeyman at 23:49, that your esteemed readership might be able to help me out with: Do clubs pay VAT on players they sign?" If it's someone like Andy Keogh, no, because frankly how can you add any more value to a behemoth like that?

First quotes in on that David Pizarro to Manchester City rumour. "We are only negotiating with Manchester City for Pizarro," general director Franco Baldini was reported as saying on http://www.asromanews.it. "We will try to complete the deal before tonight." Pizarro, by the way, has had his tizzes in the past, so he and Tevez should be able to link up well for some brilliant funks on the training ground/subs bench/Asda. "I'll only believe it is David Bowie manning the Sky transfer screen if he describes George Weah's shock return to Man City as 'pretty freaky,'" says Elliot Carr-Barnsley.

"Normally on 'Jim White Day' we email in fake rumours like 'I just saw Lucas Podolski in Nandos in Salford,'" writes Niall Mullen. Oh, don't worry, I've already been getting them Niall. "But I'm a little worried for your sanity today Tom. It's a day of tedium dressed in faked excitement that could break the hardiest of souls. So hang in there, we're with you." I'm actually on holiday for three weeks from tomorrow. And, no, the timing isn't a coincidence.

Chelsea have made a £1.5m bid for Nottingham Forest striker Patrick Bamford, according to Steve Cotterill. "There has been a bid for him from Chelsea, it is for £1.5million," Cotterill told the Nottingham Evening Post. "The problem we have is that Patrick has been offered a couple of contracts now and I am not sure he will sign a new contract at Nottingham Forest. We are going to have a meeting to decide where that goes. What materialises, we will find out shortly."

Meanwhile, Phillipa Booth has an answer on the VAT question: "My understanding is that VAT is payable on player transfers, but this is recoverable against onward taxable supplies - so it should be a wash-through. Most VAT problems hitting the courts in the past have related to agents' fees, where clubs pay fees (and VAT) to agents not actually contracted to them, thus rendering (per HMRC) the VAT irrecoverable and fee non-deductible for CT purposes. I can try to find the judgments on that if we aren't all already asleep..." You had me at "recoverable against onward taxable supplies".

"In what can only be described as a cynical attempt to squash the Cisse deal in its tracks, Chelsea have begun their missile offensive on Loftus Road," jokes, I repeat JOKES, Arthur Butler. That smoke is actaully my brain melting down as news of Patrick Bamford's transfer came in, Arthur.

Ronaldinho to Fulham!

"Absurd as it may sound, a radio station in Rio de Janeiro claims Ronaldinho's representatives have been in talks with Fulham about a possible loan move," says Eddie de Oliveira, who sounds Brazilian making this a nailed on fact. "Apparently, Little Ronald was impressed by Craven Cottage and wooed by Martin Jol when Brazil played Ghana there last year..." Maybe he just wants to be close to the Michael Jackson statue.

While we're on the subject of Fulham, Ronaldinho could fill in for Bobby Zamora. Sky and various print hacks report that the striker is having talks with QPR.

"I see Wayne was making the news here in Australia today, perhaps not for quite the right reasons at first glance," chortles Gav Hudson. They've also made the mistake of equating David Cameron with a knowledge of finance.

Blackburn have confirmed the signing of Marcus Olsson. Since they've already got his identical twin on the books, they could probably just give his brother the medical. How much difference can there be? "Not saying he's let himself go but I've just seen Ronaldinho outside Craven Cottage," says Anthony Brady. Wait for it, wait for it ... "And I live in Manchester."

And you thought you'd heard the last of ash clouds. The dairy fire pictured below (way below) has shut the A40, which means Djibril Cisse may not be able to get to Loftus Road to sign for QPR. I guess they could just sign him at Heathrow, he'll still be just as bad.

Our man in west London, Jamie Jackson, confirms that Zamora is talking to QPR. No news on the A40 westbound though.

Our man on Merseyside, Andy Hunter has some news:

David Moyes will not stand in Louis Saha's way if Tottenham do make a surprise move for the French striker and he has secured the £6m signing of Nikica Jelavic from Rangers. Saha's fitness record has been good by his standards this season but his goalscoring and performances have been dreadful. He has two goals this season and is out of contract in the summer. A move to Spurs would suit all parties. Moyes is hoping to add one, maybe two more signings to Jelavic today. AEK Athens' central defender Kostas Manolas is one, Guillaume Hoarau another, although it may be difficult to get the striker on loan from Paris Saint Germain. Jelavic's impending arrival will be the first time Everton have paid over £1m up front for a player since 2009.

Sounds like Ravel Morrison's move to West Ham will hinge on agents' fees.

Here's Dom Fifield: "Milan have confirmed the signing of Chelsea's 18-year-old Austrian forward, Philipp Prosenik. Nottingham Forest's Patrick Bamford, another 18-year-old forward who has played twice for the Championship club as a substitute, might be arriving at Cobham as a replacement ... another one of Chelsea's purchases for the future, clearly."

Quite a few of you have been asking for more information about VAT on transfers. We've listened and we will be setting up a dedicated daily blog on the subject called "VAT's A Fact!" but in the meantime, here's Stuart Brown: "In an earlier life as both a VAT Inspector and Consultant I've looked at several transfers. Some of the issues which can arise and cause problems relate to the 'extras' in a transfer deal. For instance £100K for scoring 50 goals, or £50K for an international cap. It is these which cause issues as sometimes clubs 'forget' that they are meant to pay the VAT across."

We're hearing a used Bobby Zamora will cost you £8m this deadline day. Meanwhile Ian Burch has this to say on Ronaldinho's 'move' to Fulham: "At least Martin Jol will only have to pop over to Notting Hill rather than Rio to look for Ronaldinho when he disappears at Carnival time."

"Any news on whether Andy Carroll is leaving Liverpool," says English literature's Mr Stanley. "I'm trying to teach a lesson on The Tempest, much to my chagrin, and the football boys at the back won't stop asking me! Exeunt pursued by Downing perhaps?" Carroll stays put but I hear Prospero is up for a big money move from Magic Island United.

"The graphic of a footballer at the top of the transfer deadline page looks like a starling taking to flight. Or a dolphin," says Ricky Morton, who has only ever seen horribly disfigured dolphins, clearly. "Is this the sort of stuff you're after?" Yep, but it would be better if the dolphin was off to Everton or something. Anton Winkler has news from Europe: "German news are reporting at the moment, that Lucas Barrios won't leave Dortmund this winter, which makes the Progrebnyak move to Fulham more likely."

Sounds like the Djibril Cissé deal to QPR is all but done. And Sky report that Andrey Arshavin is in talks to leave Arsenal, the club in question is Anzhi Makhachkala. Of course, he went missing a couple of years ago, but he could officially be on his way out this time.

Jamie Jackson has more on Bobby Zamora to QPR. "Zamora is demanding £90,000 a-week from QPR to join form Fulham, fee is £9m ... he currently gets £45,000. From what I understand he'll be very lucky." On £45,000 a week, he's pretty lucky already.

"Re: the picture at the top of the blog," writes Mark Quire. "Horribly disfigured dolphin? Pshaw! It's plainly an egg being thrown at a fleeing rocky penguin." That's a photo of me, you heartless, heartless man. Thanks for destroying my fragile self-confidence.

QPR are getting rid of players as well as (potentially) buying them: defender Matthew Connolly has joined Reading on loan. "QPR fan here," says QPR fan Roy Allen. "Whilst its exciting to have my boys front and centre in the deadline day speculation, it's a bit scary too. £8m for Zamora? £5m for Cisse? Zamora demanding huge wages? This is a massive risk with relegation still a real possibility. As last Saturday showed, (and with Bothroyd, Campbell and Helguson all injured, and Macheda useless) we desperately need something up front, but are these two the answer? I'm doubtful. Excited, but doubtful. And a little fearful. Small ground, big wages, relegation, new, enthusiastic owner, we've been here before."

Sky have just screamed in my ear that Milan have reopened talks regarding Carlos Tevez. Please not again. "Not wanting to conjure the horrific image of two MBM contributors together, but I live with Mr Stanley," says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. "Imagine the times we have. The transfer I care most about today will certainly be his transfer of some more milk to our fridge. And a loaf of bread."

Hello, Rob Smyth here. I've been tagged in by Tom Lutz, who has gone to search for today's Roll Up Man. The Aliens really should rewrite this song in his honour, shouldn't they?

Anyway, the hot fresh news is that, er, AC Milan want Carlos Tevez. Again. Still. MAKE IT STOP . The chaps on Sky Sports News are getting very excited, putting on the sort of grave face usually reserved for reporting the death of a president. Anyway, as soon as there is further news, you'll hear it here fourth.

Hang on, Lutz already told you about Tevez. Bah. Apologies for that and any further recycling of old news this afternoon. In other news:

• Everton have agreed a few for the Rangers striker Nikica Jelavic, an

• Chris Sutton has joined Blackburn in a £5m move from Norwich City.

• West Ham stalwart George Parris is moving to Birmingham.

"If you want the rest of the day off," says Chris Oakley, "use this template I created and go easy on yourself..." Does it include the bit where Jim White arrives at the Sky studio to receive the sort of raucous ovation last seen when Frank TJ Mackie entered a room full of lonely single men?

Deadline day just got approximately 947134214234234234538 times better: Philip Brown Esquire has just rocked up in the Sky studio. I haven't been this happy in years. In his first 90 seconds he has described Barnsley as a "spiritual home" for Ricardo Vaz Te. Oh this is going to be fun. Phil Brown on Newsnight? It can only be a matter of time.

"Sorry Tom," says Phil Reynolds, "it's definitely a chamaeleon climbing a twig." I assume, hope and pray this has some context.

Manchester City have spent the last few transfer windows rooting through Manchester United's bins, and now you can insert your own joke here: apparently United are about to sign the 19-year-old Swiss defender Freddie Veseli from City. You can read all/more about it here.

"Now that Blackburn have reunited Mary-Kate and Ashley, can we expect a cheeky bid for Linsay Lohan?" says Philip Hayes, defiantly refusing to let things like spelling get in the way of a gag.

"I saw that Patrick Helmes was linked with Rangers on a German website this morning," says Allan Pater. "Do the Guardian know anything about this?" Ha, good one. "Also, any more info on the Lokomotiv and CSKA moves for Anthony Stokes and Gary Hooper respectively?" Ha, good one too.

According to Skyman, Rangers want to replace Nikica Jelavic with – and you'll like this – Grant Holt. I would pay a monstrous amount of money to see my colleague Scott Murray's phizog as he digests that news.

"The picture at the top is clearing a pea chasing a humming bird," says Jonathan Harris. "I'm glad that's sorted. Now, please tell Arsenal are signing Demba Ba if Arshavin's on his bike/tricycle."

Half the population has put down the foie gras to unite in impromptu prayer after Sky's breaking news ticker announced that Anzhi Makhachkala are in preliminary talks to give Andriy Arshavin a home.

Jim White a moment ago. Possibly.

David Pizarro's agent has been flapping his gums. ""We will fly to England at 1400 hours," he said. "The problems relating to a work permit have been resolved and Manchester City will ask for a dispensation regarding his national team appearances." Pizarro is due to join City on loan.

"What transfers would we really like to see?" says Gary Naylor. "How about John Terry to Deportivo Moron?" How about Gary Naylor to my mansion as my butler? That would make me very happy.

The Sky man in the Midlands has just got exceptionally excited about a potential deal. He's rambling breathlessly. What could it be? Stephen Ireland to Barcelona? Carlos Cuellar to Santos? Lionel Messi to Walsall? No, Peter Odemwingie to Fulham. And it's only speculation as well. It's started, hasn't it?

"With Djibril Cissé's imminent return to England for QPR, this Liverpool supporter (speaking in the third person) recalls him jiggling like a rap star around the European Cup in Istanbul, and is forced to ask a question as perplexing as any scientific wonder of the universe: how did a team comprising the likes of Cissé, Igor Biscan, Djimi Traore, Harry Kewell and Vladimir Smicer conquer Europe?" says Owen Cameron. "Surely we will never see such a feat again." Well...

A bad day for Championship Manager heroes everywhere. Midfielder Martin Rowlands has left QPR today after his contract was terminated by mutual consent.

"Surely," says Ian Holt, "there's only one South American Deportivo that Terry should go to."

"Sounds as if Spurs have secured Louis Saha from Everton," writes my colleague Dominic Fifield. "The Frenchman was out of contract at Goodison Park in the summer..." That's an interesting move. When he's fit and in form – yes, yes, I know – Saha is as good as almost any forward in English football over the last six or seven years.

"Have just seen Heurelho Gomes boarding a Manchester bound flight at London City Airport," says Kal Birk. "UTD possibly?" Or he fancies someone in the Legoland at the Trafford Centre; could be either. Actually I'm not sure there's a keeper in the league with better reflexes than Gomes, but reflexes aren't much good if you can't catch the sphere, sadly.

Bolton was a care home for geriatricos under Sam Allardyce; now it's a finishing school for young talent. First Jack Wilshere and Dean Sturridge went there on loan, and now another young Arsenal player is heading to the Reebok Stadium. "Ryo Miyaichi, Arsenal's quicksilver Japanese winger, is set to join Bolton Wanderers on loan," says my colleague David Hytner. "Miyaichi has had niggling injury problems this season and he can look a bit lightweight but he does have excellent technique. Arsenal fans will hope that, a la Jack Wilshere, a spell at the Reebok will be the making of him."

"WBA fan here," apologises Adam Timmins. "Odemwingie to Fulham has been doing the rounds for ten days or so. Apparently WBA want £8 million for him - if Fulham will pay that let them have him I say. Odemwingie's become a bit of a sicknote this season, and we already have a replacement in Long."

More hot news from the news wires: "Middlesbrough have turned down a £6million bid from Bolton for defender Rhys Williams, Press Association Sport understands."

"Defoe's been spotted at Liverpool airport," says Marc Smith. "I heard this from...... The BBC. Sort it out Guardian! How can you let the BBC scoop you for totally unsubstantiated rubbish???" That's no way to talk about Liverpool airp-honk.

This is the token entry where we joke about the big one and then reveal a low-key transfer: Lee Cox has moved from Inverness to Swindon.

Djibril Cisse has arrived in Shepherd's Bush and, after spending a few minutes marvelling at how many fried chicken shops there are on Shepherd's Bush Road, is now completing his loan move from Lazio.

Sky are using Kinky Afro as background music in their advert for next month's football. What took them so long?

"I've just seen Andriy Shevchenko in KFC outside the Madjeski," says Justin Anderson. "I hear he's mates with Reading's new owners." Sorry, that's a clear lie: everyone knows he prefers Burger King chicken nuggets.

I'm handing back to Thomas Lutz BA (Hons) now. He's on tom.lutz@guardian.co.uk. Bye.

Andy Hunter has news of Louis Saha: "Saha to Spurs is done. A surprise move from Harry Redknapp but could be the lift, and the team, the French striker needs. Jelavic to Everton must be close." Talking of which ... "Do you think Spurs have signed Saha to keep Ledley King company in the treatment room," writes Steven Fanning. "This could be 'Arry's famous man-management skills at work."

Ha! It appears that Fox Soccer may have fallen for our zinger about Chris Sutton's transfer from Norwich to Sutton. Everyone knows the big story of the day is Alan Shearer from Southampton to Blackburn. Those two could cause some action.

This from the news wires: "Newcastle have made their final bid for Watford defender Adrian Mariappa, manager Alan Pardew said today."

Phil Brown finally breaks America. "Fox Soccer has put graciously put Sky Sports on live here in the States, so we get to see Phil Brown in all his glory," says Padraic Cassidy. "And the Sky reporters in the car parks. Wonder if regular daytime viewers in the US will realize what it is?" I imagine any viewers in California will be very envious looking at a grey car park on the outskirts of London.

"Actually, we retweeted it cause it was hilarious!," says Jamie Trecker of Fox Sports. It's probably a bad idea to get on the wrong side of Fox because they indirectly own the Death Star, so I will apologise. But I still stand my point about Shearer being the bigger story.

Apparently, Sulley Muntari has joined Milan on loan. Environment news from Olly Winkles: "What's with everyone flying everywhere on deadline day? Haven't these people heard of video conferencing and carbon footprints? These same people haven't figured out how to scan in and email a document either by the looks of how often they still use their newfangled facsimilie machines." A facs-what machine?

More from Alan Pardew on the potential move for Watford's Adrian Mariappa: "We have made our last bid now and it's a final bid so if he doesn't come today then he probably won't come to this football club because in the summer we will probably look elsewhere." It's not exactly the kind of talk that will cheer him up if Newcastle do sign him, is it?

Manchester United are close to signing former Switzerland Under-17 captain Frederic Veseli from Manchester City, according to reports. The player's agent said we can expect news "very soon" on any move. "Just seen ex-Preston defender Michael Jackson loitering outside Craven Cottage," says Ffion Thomas. "Oh. Hang on. Forget I said anything."

A very reasonable suggestion: "Seeing as 95% of deals are done on deadline day (a fact I may have made up, just now), why not have a one-day blowout? The FA hire a big hall: all teams have a stand replete with manager, chairman, novelty-sized cheque-book, and the players," says Jamie Woods. "Video conferencing rooms set-up with Spanish and Italian giants, and little stalls for the French and Dutch leagues, with phone lines and video-clips. The FA would have a stand, with a big buzzer and flashing lights every time a deal completes."

Our token nod to non-league, consider your heads patted: "Cambridge United are on the verge of signing young hot-shot Jimmy Liu to a professional contract on five-year deal at the Abbey," writes Stephen Harrison.

The full rundown on Bolton's attempts to sign Boro defender Rhys Williams. If you call four paragraphs a "full rundown".

Andy Carroll is definitely staying put: "Andy is going nowhere!," cries Liam Robertson. "Not with all the support the Liverpool bosses are giving him. I was very impressed to see that they commissioned a life-size wax work model of him to be placed on the pitch every time Liverpool play."

It's official! Former footballer Wayne Bridge has joined Sunderland on loan for the rest of the season.

Dave Whelan is bracing himself for a bid from Spurs for Hugo Rodallega: "It might make sense to cash in now.

"But if he stays with us to the end of the season he can help us stay up, which would be worth far more than a transfer fee," said Whelan on ESPN. "Re: Saha to Spurs," says Tom McLaughlin. "Maybe with 'Arry's handwriting being like a 2 year old's he was actually after Zaha and there has been a misunderstanding..."

Anyone want to see Wayne Bridge with a Sunderland shirt? "One year ago today, Newcastle spirited £35m from the Liverpool coffers in exchange for one Andy Carroll," says Paul Brennan. "Tonight, in what must surely be a sign, the Euromillions jackpot is £35m – I suggest that Liverpool sell Carroll back to Newcastle for £1m and invest it all in tickets for tonight's draw, being careful that Newcastle don't try and throw James Perch into the deal."

Barney Heywood has news from Spain. Or lack of news. "Just to let you know transfer window deadline day here in Spain is pretty underwhelming too. Real Madrid don't need anyone, and Barça are going to rely on their youth team. Henrique - Sau Paulo to Granada (loan), and Ghezzal - Bari to Levante (loan) the only business of note, so far... BUT Sporting Gijón have sacked Preciado this morning, so any English clubs wanting a manager who can take on Mourinho (and win) could do worse. Preciado also has a great 'tache."

Barry Glendenning is warming up on the sidelines ready to trot on for the second-half of deadline day. Email him at barry.glendenning@guardian.co.uk with your thoughts. "According to Sky, the Progrebnyak move to Fulham will probably not happen, due to problems with the labour permit and a knee injury for the Russian," says Anton Winkler.

Nick Dent has moved to Spurs for £500,000 a week. "Usually I love deadline day Tom," says Nick Dent, "but this one has a bitter sweet feeling for me. The second the transfer window 'slams shut' (Sky Sports™) I turn 30. Rumours of Saha to Spurs are doing very little to elevate my mood! Can you make up something as an early birthday present please?"

GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYBODY! Glendenning here to report that Sky Sources have revealed that QPR have bid £5m for Fulham striker Zamora. Christ, I feel so alive!

2.10pm: Vinny O'Connor, Sky's man shivering in the cold outside Goodison Park, has revealed that Rangers' Croatia striker Nikica Jelavic is en route to Merseyside, where he will be given a tour of the stadium by club legend Graeme Sharp before signing on the dotted line. He's already passed his medical.

2.12pm: Bristol City striker Nicky Maynard has just completed his medical at Holly House Hospital, who offer outpatient clinics and treatment in most medical specialties, diagnostic imaging, physiotherapy, fertility, private GP service, screening, cosmetic surgery and weight-loss surgery, and is on his way to the Boleyn Ground, where he'll sign a three-and-a-half year deal with West Ham.

2.15pm: Watford defender Aidy Mariappa has just eight hours and 44 minutes left to decide whether or not he wants to sign for Newcastle. Alan Pardew says the Magpies have made their final bid and the ball is now in the player's court. Truth be told, he probably has less than eight hours, as he'd need at least 44 minutes to get from London to Newcastle, do his medical and sign his new contract.

2.18pm: Wayne Bridge has signed on loan with Sunderland and has pitched up at the Stadium of Light wearing a black beanie hat and a hoodie. Seriously, would it kill him to wear a suit and tie? You can read all about it here ...

2.21pm: "Plymouth Argyle arent being very secretive about who they are signing today," writes Jim White (not that one) "I've just come back from lunch, where James Brent was sat at the table opposite with Carl Fletcher and soon-to-be signings Josh Hortin, Gary Sawyer and Carlos Tevez. Only one of those names is a lie."

2.23pm: "Let's hope Martin O'Neill really has picked up something from his mentor," writes Chas from Sunderland. "Cloughie managed to make John O'Hare look a decent player. Resurrecting Wayne Bridge might rival that achievement." Perhaps, but I can't help but think Clough would have abandoned the deal if John O'Hare had turned up to sign his contract wearing a hoodie and a black beanie hat.

2.24pm: I can confirm that Nikica Jelavic has turned up at Goodison Park, waved half-heartedly at waiting cameramen and walked through a doorway. He was not wearing oversized headphones, a beanie hat or carrying a monogrammed Louis Vuitton washbag, which bodes well for the future, even if it does raise questions about a potential lack of personal hygiene. That said, I did see a rectangular bulge in his jacket pocket, which may have a bar of no-nonsense colourless carbolic soap.

2.30pm: "John 'Goals' Baird will be staying at Raith Rovers according to one of his latest tweets (@Bairdy22 - Not moving anywhere people.)," writes Danny Marsh. "Be as well to shut the window now, nothing else of note."

2.32pm: "A relative was supposed to be having a shoulder examination in Holly House Hospital today after waiting for five months, but was mysteriously cancelled last Thursday," writes Paul Baker. "To make it worse the appointment now seems to have been usurped by West Ham. Still, at least he gets a replacement appointment for April."

2.35pm: "What's so upsetting with a guy not wearing a suit?" asks Clive Darwell. Not particularly upset; call me old fashioned, but I just think it would show willing and a bit of respect on Bridge's part to turn up for his first day at work well dressed, not least from somebody whose motivation has been called into question in recent months.

2.39pm: "Any truth in the rumour that the proposed transfer of Saha to Spurs has stalled due to him putting his back out whilst attempting to sign on the dotted line with a particularly heavy pen?" asks Sean Moore.

2.40pm: I can confirm that John Ashdown, who must have slept with somebody important to get the Guardian Deadline Day minute-by-minute report equivalent of the glamour Jim White/Natalie Sawyer late shift has entered the building. He's looking fit, healthy and well, wearing a grey check shirt, blue denim jeans and a scruffy looking pair of trainery type things.

2.43pm: The word on the street is that hirsute former Liverpool defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos, who currently plys his trade with Wolfsburg, may well be on his way to Sunderland.

2.45pm: Regarding Wayne Bridge's slovenliness," writes Gareth Evans. "He's had enough time to think about it, surely he could actually have turned up in a freshly pressed Black Cats home shirt with his name on the back? Or do you think he's a little bit sad to be giving up his free money for training with the youth team? I bet he's a bit miffed he'll now have to Sky+ Soccer Saturday." I thought it was a different kind of Saturday Bridgey was interested in ...

2.46pm: According to the Sky Sports News Yellow Ticker of Truth, Watford have accepted a bid from Wigan for Adrian Mariappa. Meanwhile on the screen above the aforementioned ticker, a man who looks like an owl is insisting that Peter Odemwingie is not leaving West Brom.

2.49pm: At last, some long overdue news for Liverpool fans, who've been getting very edgy about their club's apparent lack of transfer activity. Sky Sports News have just broadcast footage of Kenny Dalglish's pre-Wolves match press conference in which he was wearing a blue woollen v-neck pullover and grey shirt not entirely dissimilar in design to John Ashdown's. He didn't say anything about signing anyone before 11pm.

2.53pm: "With Anton Ferdinand having moved on to QPR at the start of the season, myself and many of my fellow Sunderland fans have been cursing our luck at the lack of something really close-to-home to be righteously indignant about when asserting our moral superiority over the (innocent-until-proven-guilty) still-England captain whenever we see or read anything about him," writes David Moore. "Thanks Wayne."

2.55pm: "I'm trying to pick my Transfer Deadline Day soundtrack," writes Eddie Munro. "I can't decide between the updated version of Conan the Destroyer, which makes me think of Harry Redknapp fearlessly galloping astride Younes Kaboul (an ironclad Joe Jordan in tow) with a satchel full of gold coins and fist full of steel whilst the resilient David Moyes attempts to prevent a seige of his ramparts ... or something less/more homoerotic like the theme from Terminator 2: Judgement Day, which conjures up images of poor defenceless clubs like Arsenal and Chelsea, unable to stop the rise of the Mancunians ... it's only a matter of time before Rooney and Balotelli become self aware. Or is it?"

>2.58pm: "Do you think that if West Ham sign Ravel Morrison today that there's a chance their PR department will commission some decent photos of the lad?" asks David Horn. "The stock Morrison shot of him sitting slouched in the dugout appears to be the only one any newspaper has of the lad."

3.01pm: After 117 appearances for Tottenham Hotspur, Vedran Corluka is off to Bayer Leverkusen on loan for the rest of the season.

3.02pm: In the Sky sports News studio, Simon Thomas and Kirsty Gallagher have replaced Hayleyy McQueen and the other bloke in the 3pm handover. Kirsty is a vision in blue, while Simon looks his usual fresh-faced boyish self.

3.04pm: Bolton have signed Arsenal's 19-year-old Japanes international Ryo Miyaichi on loan until the end of the season. Meanwhile on Wearside, Greek defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos is due to arrive at the Stadium of Light any minute now.

3.05pm: At Goodson Park, a fat man in an Everton shirt has wandered into the shot behind Sky Sports News reporter Vinny O'Connor, looking a bit like a dog that's wandered into a room and promptly forgotten why. He sticks his tongue out, licks something from the corner of his mouth and looks confused.

3.07pm: Reports suggest that jinking Djibril Cisse has completed his deal to sign for QPR. Cisse has tweeted fans in Lazio thanking them for their support and said that, while he appreciates some might consider him a flop, he always tried his best for the Serie A side.

3.09pm: "I'm watching a dodgy feed of Sky Sports news, and they are showing Wayne Bridge in a natty grey pinstripe suit," writes Jim Bach. "Don't know if it's stock footage or not." I'm afriad that's stock footage, Jim, recorded when he signed for Chelsea, by the looks of things.

3.12pm: Sky Sports News reporter Rob Dorsett has been peering in the windows of the West Brom training ground and has seen Birmingham City defender Liam Ridgewell wandering around. Apparently he's signed a contract and himself and assorted club suits are currently deciding what squad number to give him.

3.14pm: I hasten to add I wasn't exaggerating when I reported that Rob Dorsett had been peering in the windows of the West Brom training ground - he actually admitted it live on air. Where's the dignity? Then again, I'm reporting on him reporting on himself pressing his nose up against the glass at the West Brom training ground, which leaves me even further down the foodchain.

3.17pm: Roma's Chilean midfielder David Pizarro is on his way to Carrington to talk turkey with Manchester City suits. You heard it here first, unless you heard it somewhere else, which is eminently plausible.

3.18pm: Somebody from QPR's PR team has given Sky Sports News reporter Gary Cotterill a slice of pizza, while the Blackburn Rovers kitman has given Sky's man outside the Blackburn training ground, Alan Myers, a pair of black gloves and a mug of tea. Still no news from Liverpool ...

3.20pm: "If memory serves, the day Wayne Bridge signed for Chelsea in 2004, he wore what appeared to be a sky blue velour/crushed velvet Sergio Tacchini tracksuit," writes Adam Burrage. "It was rather undignified." You could well be right, Adam. The more I think of it the more the footage Sky are showing looks like it might have been shot as he was turning up at Stamford Bridge to play a match, signing autographs on his way in. I keep forgetting that he used to be a footballer.

3.25pm: Meanwhile on Twitter, Phoebe Roberts, who works in fashion, has suggested that Wayne Bridge should invest in a Burberry modern fit virgin wool suit, which retails for £795. If the good people at Burberry would like to send me one in exchange for that plug, I don't have my exact measurements, but am 6ft 2in and about 14 stone.

3.30pm: "Cisse, Bridge, Routledge ... doesn't this remind you of the last 10 minutes of a night club?" asks Kevin Kevin, who appears to be so good they named him twice. "You want to grab something but all that's left are [deleted on grounds of taste] and you don't look a treat yourself. So you grab something before the lights come up so your whole night wasn't a complete waste. I'm looking at you Andy Carroll."

3.32pm: "The only reason i can think Spurs want Louis Saha is that our physio team has decided that now Ledley is playing regularly and Jonathan Woodgate has gone, they need a new challenge," writes Mark Goodchild, who could well have a point.

3.34pm: Leeds United haven't signed anybody, but probably don't need to because Andy O'Brien has been allowed to resume training after being disciplined for refusing to play against Burnley in November last year.

3.36pm: Genk midfielder Kevin De Bruyne has completed his move to Chelsea and immediately been sent back to Genk on loan. The 20-year-old, who looks about nine years old, says it is a "dream come true" to join the London club.

3.39pm: Queens Park Rangers have completed the signing of the former Lord of the Manor of Frodsham Jinkin' Djibril Cisse, 30, from Lazio for an undisclosed fee on a two-and-a-half year deal.

"I rate Djibril very, very highly," said QPR manager Mark Hughes. "I've watched him for many years and always been impressed by what he brings to the table. He's a huge threat to opposition's defences. He's got great pace, power and movement and that's something we will hopefully benefit from." Cisse, should be eligible to make his debut for QPR against Aston Villa tomorrow, subject to international clearance being received one hour before kick-off at Villa Park.

3.44pm: Lots of mails from folk wondering if there's anything happening at Stoke, Aston Villa, Liverpool or Wolves. Em, there's no easy way to break it to you, but apart from the odd bit of tumbleweed blowing through their respective training grounds, soundtracked by a forlornly tolling church bell, no ... there isn't.

3.47pm: "RE: the lack of photographs of Ravel Morrison,": writes Meil McMullen. "I'm sure there are plenty of coutroom sketches of the lad knocking about." Zing! To be perfectly honest, I'm pleased for young Ravel - he's getting out of Manchester and moving to the east end of London, where he'll be gadding about with lots of new friends and disposable income as he makes a fresh start. What could possibly go wrong?

3.50pm: "It wouldn't be transfer deadline day without Tottenham plotting some coup," writes proper Guardian journalist David Hytner, who has actual informed sources and deep throats who stand smoking in the shadows of multi-storey car-parks. "They have a deal lined up for Louis Saha, as previously discussed (although they might need to ship out a striker first to make room for him) but it looks as though they are also trying to take the young and talented Germany winger Marko Marin from Werder Bremen. Again, it may depend on them allowing a player to leave."

3.52pm: "When you say Leeds haven't signed anybody, do you mean literally or just figuratively, because they haven't signed anybody of note?" asks Amitai Winehouse. "I ask because the signing of Adam Smith, 20-year old right-back on loan from Spurs, was a massive deal to me when I read about it in my lecture today. Which shows how far we've fallen." Apologies, Amitai - that massive swoop wasn't on my radar.

3.55pm: "This is 'old' news, but out here in Portland, Oregon, our second year MLS team The Portland Timbers signed Scottish 'star' Kris Boyd yesterday, as our new attacking threat," writes Tony Rutt. "From Middlesborough/Forest, his most recent berths, to the MLS, is probably a sideways move."

3.57pm: Everton have a bid for Norwich striker Grant Holt rejected, apparently.

4.01pm: "According to this (via Wikipedia admittedly), Djibril Cisse may well still be Lord of the Manor of Frodsham," writes James White (no, not that one). "I wouldn't want to see you get into trouble with the Lord himself, or indeed offend any of his loyal subjects, so just thought I'd let you know!"

4.05pm: Big news at The Hawthorns: Liam Ridgewell's tour of the Midlands continues - he's signed for West Brom for a fee believed to be somewhere in the region of £2.5m. He's the 14th player to have left cash-strapped Birmingham City since they won the Carling Cup last season.

4.07pm: Fulham are attempting to sign Stuttgart's Russia international striker Pavel Pogrebnyak, having agreed a fee of £3.5m with the Bundesliga club. Pogrebnyak has completed a medical in Munich and now needs to try and get a work permit. His mooted arrival at Craven Cottage could herald the exit of Bobby Zamora to QPR, ludicrous £90,000-per-week wage demands permitting.

4.12pm: "In response to Tony Rutt's comments (3.55pm)," writes Quentin Seik. "There have been many times as a Forest fan when I thought we'd hit rock bottom, but now were being insulted by MLS fans this is clearly a new low. The reasons Forest didn't keep him on board were (a) he's rubbish and doesn't score regularly at Championship level and (b) he was on £32,000 a week at Boro."

4.19pm: Apologies for the brief radio silence - I went to get a cup of coffee. While pootering around near the machine, I saw Danny Guthrie furtively scuttling through the Guardian building, wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan: "I'm on way to a hospital to complete medical for Stoke City."

4.21pm: This one sounds so ridiculous, I'm filing it under Might Actually Be True. "Parma are apparently discussing terms for a loan deal with my local side Gillingham, which would see the (bizarrely-named) Venezuelan full back Rolf Feltscher come to Priestfield until the end of the season," writes Dirk Martin. "Rumour has it that youngster Matthew Dickinson might be swapping the Gillingham academy for its Parmesan equivalent too." Feltscher? *Sniggers in a schoolboy fashion*

4.25pm: "With no great transfer coups in the football market, we on the continent have turned our attention to the pigeon coop," writes Ant Ford in Amsterdam. "A Belgian farmer has sold a racing pigeon for €250,400."

4.27pm: Sky Sports News reporter Luke Shanley has been bothering players as they come and go from the Rangers training ground. Rangers defender Jordan McMillan is off to Dunfermline to "get some game time", while Crystal Palace Baltimore's Cameroonian striker/midfielder Matthew Mbuta has pitched up to show what he can do in a trial and hopefully secure a contract. Both seemed very polite young men with an excellent grasp of English.

4.32pm: "Back in the early 1920s, my father's beloved Napoli had a problem player who would put even the unruly Carlos Tevez to shame," writes Fabrizio Di Carlo. "During a local derby match, midfielder Gianni Consoli was furious at being substituted after verbally threatening to assault one of his teammates. The next morning, the manager awoke to find his car had been stolen, the windows on the ground floor of his house had all been broken and a brick with a note tied to it reading 'I'll never play for you again' sitting on the kitchen table. Funnily enough, Consoli never did play for Napoli again."

4.35pm: JIM WHITE IS IN THE BUILDING! The Sky Sports News Transfer Deadline Day superstar has arrived for work, looking dapper in a black suit, carrying a briefcase. He looks a million miles from the Jim White who used to present Scottish nocturnal banter show Late Edition with Kirsty Young, with his trendy haircut, bright yellow shirt and orange jacket. If you only click on one link today, make it this one. Good God.

4.41pm: Meanwhile on Twitter, lower league Football Ramble podcaster and noted self-publicist Luke Moore has been desperately attempting to generate interest in a transfer for himself to top flight podcast, Football Weekly. "Can see why FW want to replace the ageing @bglendenning with a younger broadcaster, but I'm not interested," he said, fooling nobody.

4.45pm: Big news in the north-west, where Fleetwood Town have turned down offers from West Ham and Southampton for their star striker Jamie Vardy.

4.52pm: This just in from the Guardian's Andy Hunter, who's prowling the streets of Merseyside with his ear very close to the ground. "Adam Johnson to Goodison Park?" he asks, rhetorically. "Only courtesy of the Manchester City team bus at the moment. Everton exploring several deals to add to the imminent signing of Nikica Jelavic and then departure of Louis Saha. Strong interest in bringing Steven Pienaar back to Goodison and he wants to return, but whether Tottenham will agree is another question. A problem over personal terms appears to have ended interest in 20-year-old AEK Athens defender, Kostas Manolas."

4.54pm: "Anzhi Makhachkala General Director German Chistyakov tells talkSPORT as far as he knows there's no movement on Arshavin," tweets broadcasting's Sam Matterface, who probably got the news from his wife Natalie Sawyer, who'll be co-piloting the Sky Sports News coverage later as the transfer window slams shut.

4.59pm: Crikey - Matterface is really on a roll. "CHELSEA: Goalkeeper Rhys Taylor has extended his loan deal with Rotherham until the end of the season," he tweets.

5pm: "Javier 'Chicarito' Fernandez;s agent Eduardo Hernandez and the player's mum have been spotted outside Monaghan Utd's ground Gortakeegan chatting to Magic Mons gaffer Roddy Collins," writes Karl Waters. "My sources are telling me that the player sees it as opportunity for some first team football, while his Mum would love to see him live the quiet life in the small Irish town."

Sounds plausible, but how would the talented young Mexican cope with the famous stony grey soil underfoot? It would be a shame to see it burgle his bank of youth or fling a ditch in his vision.

5.03pm: Nikica Jelavic has left Goodison Park without signing a contract. Apparently he's just gone somewhere to "freshen up". Goodison Park officials insist the Croatia striker will be back at the ground to complete his signing before too long.

5.09pm: "Here's a cracking picture of Jim White the day Celtic stopped Rangers beating their nine-in-a-row record," writes Jim Burke. "He doesn't seem to be very happy."

5.10pm: Fulham have agreed personal terms with Stuttgart's Russia international striker Pavel Pogrebnyak and he'll sign a contract just as soon as he's secured his work permit.

5.11pm: "Is it true that Liverpool have entered into negotiations to exchange the Belgian racing pigeon for Andy Carroll?" asks Pranjal Tiwari, his speculation obviously fuelled that the pigeon is better in the air than the struggling centre-forward.

5.13pm: "I've just heard from my cousin that aging Scottish stalwart, Gavin 'The Colossus' Baird is having a late career surge," writes Nathan Gower. "At the ripe old age of 37, the player who made his reputation as a utility man at Dumbarton is going to Ross County on a free transfer."

5.15pm: Guardian newshound Jamie Jackson writes: "Zamora-to-QPR deal still a long way off completion i'm hearing, Mr G," he says.

5.22pm: The word on the streets of Kings Cross, coming from my colleague James Dart, is that Bolton legend Kevin Davies's mooted move to Sunderland has hit the skids. As a Sunderland fan, I'm a bit gutted, but I think my close personal friend Emma Davies, not to mention the Davies family's pet donkeys, Indy and Sky, will be quite pleased. While I'm shamelessly namedropping, I might as well let it be known that I also once met Kelly Woan, wife of Nottingham Forest legend Ian.

5.28pm: Guardian newshound Jamie Jackson is back with more news on Bobby Zamora's non-move to QPR. "Bobby Z continuing to drive a hard bargain, according to a Fulham Huggy Bear," he says. Zamora is reported to be looking for £90,000 per week.

5.30pm: Seriously, £90,000. Per week. Imagine how much he could command if he scored a few goals.

5.31pm: "Regarding Dirk Martin's comment (4.21pm)," writes Matthew Coneys. "Rolf is actually the youngest in a long line of footballing Feltschers: his older brother Frank currently plays for Grasshopper Club Zurich, whilst his cousin Reuben Vandercruyssen plays for Italian side Lecce." That's not a long line of Feltschers - that's three people, one of whom is named Vandercruyssen.

5.34pm: Guardian newshound Jamie Jackson is mailing like a man possessed, and has exclusively revealed that QPR have agreed an "up top fee of £7m for Bobby Z with around £2m add-ons too."

5.39pm: "After the furore over Wayne Bridge's get-up, I shudder to think what Hair's @lukeymoore would wear to sign on the dotted line [for Football Weekly]", tweets Jonathan Gaard.

"Haha! Love it. Can't stop though, I'm off for dinner with @seaningle to discuss a move," Moore replies.

5.41pm: Good news for Hearts fans ... unless it's bad news for Hearts fans, I really don't have a clue: "I am happy to say we came to an agreement with Hearts and I am staying till the end of season! Let's go Jambos!" tweets Rudi Skacel.

4.43pm: "BOINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!" That's the sound of a ball landing in Watford's court after Adrian Mariappa turned down a move to Wigan Athletic. The defender wants to move to Newcastle, who have already declared the bid they made for him this morning, which Watford turned down, will be their final one. Looks like there'll be a big game of brinkmanship between the two clubs ahoy. John Ashdown, who's taking over from me in 15 minutes, is in for a treat.

5.46pm: "I sponsored Bobby Zamora's shirt when he was at Brighton," writes Mark Griffin. "£250 it cost me each season. That was exorbitant. £90k? Blimey."

5.47pm: The Bobby Zamora love is in the early evening air tonight. "Robert Lester Zamora has scored 38 Premier League goals in his career, and is the wrong side of 30," writes Jordan Hackney. "How can such a player have the gall to ask for £90k a week? I'm starting to think football might be a bit silly." I'm looking forward to the moment when he's presented as a QPR player and pretends it's the club's "ambition" that convinced him to move.

5.49pm: Wow, didn't see this one coming - Everton's Irish full-back/winger Seamus Coleman is on the move! Details to follow ...

5.51pm: "On my way to Goodison! Always a great atmosphere under the lights at home! Let's hope its a good night! #COYB," he's just tweeted. Apologies, Everton fans. Couldn't resist.

5.55pm: This from the good people at Deloitte: "With under six hours to go until the transfer window closes, Premier League clubs' transfer spending has reached around £40m. This figure is expected to increase over the next few hours, though will fall far short of the spending levels seen in January 2011."

And on that bombshell, I'm being sent out to the exercise yard for a quick saunter, after which I'll be strapped back into my chair, chained to the (cold) radiator and forced to do a Premier League Clockwatch. Thanks for your time and your emails, now please be upstanding for our very own answer to Jim White and Natalie Sawyer combined: Mr Johnny Ashdown ...

>Evening all. Disappointingly, there was no camera crew accompanying me into the building, no high-fives from my colleagues (although I'm sure I heard one give me a brief grunt of acknowledgement), a lack of razzle and a complete absence of dazzle. Not to worry, though, I'll be here to guide you through the final FIVE HOURS of the January transfer window.

Here's Jamie Jackson: "One seasoned Bobby Z watcher reckons he 'definitely' won't move for less than £60,000." Will QPR's coffers stretch that far?

"How about a quick nod to the non-league?" writes Dominic Wong. "My transfer deadline day has just been made by the news that veteran journeyman Oli Higgins has decided to re-sign for my hometown club King's Lynn Town. In his first stint at the club he impressed me so much that I convinced my wife to name our son Oliver. Oliver is now seven, and has yet to display any signs of footballing ability. Let us hope the return of the original Mr Higgins will turn his fortunes around."

Ally McCoist has left Ibrox. In a car. Francesco Sandaza of St Johnstone and Jamie Murphy of Motherwell were thought to be on his Rangers shopping list.

Tonight's starting XIs in the Premier League might offer some tell-tale signs of late transfer moves. Sky Sports are suggesting that Hugo Rodallega has been left out of the Wigan side to face Tottenham …

All the tea from my mug has now been transferred to my gut. It's only a temporary move. I'll be looking to make some other additions shortly. Meanwhile, Countdown's Clarke Carlisle has joined Northampton for the rest of the season.

Steve Kean has revealed his thinking behind the signing of Martin Olsson's brother Marcus. "They've got the same style, which you can imagine being identical twins," said the Blackburn manager. "[Marcus] plays higher but on the same side [as Martin] and that will prove difficult for any right-back when he sees one going outside and one driving." Is that any right-back standing outside the Olsson family home?

So, to recap, what has actually happened so far today?

• Djinkin' Djibril Cissé has left Lazio for QPR

• Liam Ridgewell has moved from Birmingham to West Brom for £2m (ish).

• Vedran Corluka has joined Bayer Leverkusen on loan from Tottenham

• Bradley Orr has swapped QPR for Blackburn Rovers

• Everton have agreed a deal for Louis Saha to join Tottenham Hotspur

• And agreed a fee with Rangers for Nikica Jelavic

• Sunderland have completed move for Manchester City's Wayne Bridge

• Arsenal's Ryo Miyaichi has joined Bolton on loan until end of the season

• Norwich have rejected a Rangers bid for striker Grant Holt

Adrian Mariappa, a target for Newcastle, has apparently travelled with Watford to Millwall for the game at the Den this evening. Strange that he's become the defender du jour this window. Solid Championship player though he is, he's never one that I'd have had pegged for big things in the top flight.

Sky Sports have just wheeled Dave Bassett and Iain Dowie into the newsroom for their "expert analysis". Cripes.

Things were different in my day dept. "Without wanting to sound like one of Monty Pythons 4 Yorkshiremen this is how things have changed in recent times," begins Richard Tenser. "In the mid 80's the company I worked for decided to get an executive box to entertain clients. The choices were £7,000 a season at White Hart Lane or £4,500 at Chelsea, so we took the Stamford Bridge option. The box seated seven people, so we always had four guests and three staff.

"We also provided David Speedie and Kerry Dixon with a white Ford Sierra each painted with our corporate message and their names in big letters on the drivers door and in return they would come to our corporate events. Speedie used to come by the box before each game with signed shirts and footballs and to chat and smooze our guests. Then Ken's son, the young Master Bates, would put his head round the door to ask if we wanted a plate of (mainly prawn!) sandwiches. 22 teams in the top division meant 21 home league games, plus cup games all included.

"Not sure how many hours a week today's Prem players put in, but I suspect the total cost for our box for the season would equate to what Bobbie Z would earn for half an hour at the training ground. We only had the box for the one season as it was considered a bit on the expensive side!

Arsenal have made that season-changing signing. The season being 2016-17. "Attacking midfielder Thomas Eisfeld has completed a move to Arsenal from Borussia Dortmund on a long-term contract," trumpet the club. "The 19-year-old has shown significant promise at youth level with the Bundesliga club …"

Dave Bassett reckons Hugo Rodallega will be the big mover tonight. "Just a hunch." Fair enough, but oh Harry. Does anyone else have childhood heroes who have seriously lost their shine?

At White Hart Lane – Everton target Steven Pienaar is on the bench for Spurs, Jermain Defoe is not in the squad (presumably injured …) and Hugo Rodallega is not in the Wigan squad. Speculate away!

Lord of the Rings extra and former Liverpool defender Sotirios Kyrgiakos has apparently joined Sunderland.

"I have a long-standing dislike of Hugo Rodallega, the man of the hour," writes Carlos Chiquete. "He played for my team, Atlas of Mexico, before heading to Europe and he really sucked to put it plainly. He missed a variety of sitters and all-around was a disaster for us. He has gone on to score 23 goals in four seasons for Wigan. Not very impressive I think. What I am missing?" There's something about him, though, isn't there? Isn't there?

MISINFORMATION ALERT! Hugo Rodallega is in fact on the Wigan bench. Dave Bassett's fireworks well and truly widdled on. Oh well.

Consensus* in the office is that Jermaine Defoe's absence from the Spurs squad absolutely, definitely, without question heralds a move to Liverpool.

*Consensus = Myself, Glendenning and Steinberg

Adrian Mariappa starts for Watford, but not in the Hornets squad is Marvin Sordell. Watford FC match commentator for BBC Three Counties Radio Jon Marks tweets that "Sordell has been withdrawn from the #watfordfc line-up tonight at the request of the club's owner."

"Re Faded heroes," writes Alistair Hann. "As a Spurs fan of a certain age, I have never loved anyone like I loved Paul Gascoigne between 1988-1991. So, you could say so, yes."

Jim White has just been wheeled out by Sky. He's answered his phone, apropos of nothing. "Hello." It's like he's helming some sort of deadline-day chatline. "In the game between Mi … a … mi and Cin … cin … at … ti … we … must consider … many … things … The wind … is blowing … out of the … west … at five … knots …"

Of course, the second most exciting thing about this evening is the programme of five Premier League matches. You can follow them all with Barry Glendenning on his clockwatch. Email him your thoughts, or if you prefer just a blank email with the subject line I'M WATCHING YOU, STEVE to mess with his head.

A couple of Twitter-rumours doing the rounds (Twimours? Rumters?): Roman Pavlyuchenko is in talks with Lokomotiv Moscow, Danny Higginbotham has left Stoke City for Nottingham Forest, Fulham are keen on Portsmouth's Ryan Williams, and so on and so forth.

My phone beeps into life. This could be news of the big one. "Have we garam masala?" Oh no, stand down. It's just my other half.

Bobby Zamora has now arrived at Loftus Road for a nice chat about exactly how much dosh will be deposited in his account each month.

For those asking, we don't have garam masala. The last of it went on the chicken I roasted on Sunday.

I have a feeling things might be a little quiet over the next couple of hours, what with all this football actually being played. It's all a bit thoughtless. Selfish, in fact. Anyway, it gives me the chance to raid the canteen. Talk among yourselves for five minutes.

Back in the hotseat. And you've missed very little. The suggestion is that Ravel Morrison has sealed his move to West Ham. His first game would be … Millwall.

Well done everybody. Barry Glendenning has just turned to be, his face crumpled in perplexion, and asked: "I'm getting loads of emails just saying I'M WATCHING YOU, STEVE … anyone know what that's all about?"

And to confirm what I mentioned a moment ago here's Jamie Jackson: "A West Ham source is telling me that last bit of paper on Morrison deal just faxed off so it should go through 'in 15 minutes." "Huge talent, attititude issue" seems to be the usual scouting report when it comes to Morrison. Could be a gem for West Ham if he gets his head right, but that seems like a big 'if'.

Three clubs are in for Watford's Marvin Sordell, says Talksport's Sam Matterface on Twitter. He'd demand £5m at least, surely.

Jermaine Defoe's hamstring (rather than an impending move to Liverpool) is being cited as the reason for his absence at White Hart Lane tonight. Bah!

"Can't help thinking Sky Sports News aren't missing a trick," writes Jason Frew. "Stick deadline day on Channel 905 with Jim answering the phone at £1.69/minute for seven hours, to confirm that Bobby Zee has arrived at Loftus Road asking for a million quid EVERY EIGHTY DAYS and that'd be enough income to allow Messrs Murdoch make Sky freeview."

Rangers and Celtic battling it out for Portsmouth's Marko Futacs "Sky Sports understands".

Mark Hughes is apparently in the stands at Molineux, so QPR not using Sparky's charm to entice any further signings at Loftus Road. He's well out of the way.

An official statement from Liverpool: "Liverpool can confirm that goalkeeper Martin Hansen has tonight left the club after being transferred to Danish side Viborg FF. The 21-year-old joined the Reds' Academy in the summer of 2006 from Brondby. Liverpool Football Club wishes Martin all the best for his future." Not that exciting, really.

"When Pompey and Leeds spent themselves into administration, they at least did it by spending on Defoe, Ferdinand and the like," writes my colleague Michael Hann. "QPR, by contrast, appear to be looking to shell out the gross national product of several small Central American countries on the wages of Cissé and (it seems likely) Zamora, who have a combined Premier League record of 66 goals in 289 games. Am I alone among QPR fans in suspecting that this might not be quite the wisest investment top-flight football has ever seen? I suppose the nicest way of looking at it is that with those two, plus Jay Bothroyd and Heidar Helguson, we'll have four international strikers at Loftus Road. If only I could say four top-class international strikers. It's all looking a bit like an Aldi Spurs, isn't it?" I'd have to say that none of the January signings at Loftus Road make you go: "Oooh, they'll stay up now" or "Well, that's them safe". They make you go: "Erm … O … K …"

Stick a fork in the Jelavic-to-Everton deal. It's done. In unrelated news a man has handcuffed himself to the Goodison goalposts. Bizarre.

Bolton are apparently at the head of the queue to sign Marvin Sordell from Watford. That's a kick in the teeth. Fans of clubs outside the Premier League are resigned to losing their best players to the big beasts (believe me!) but in sticks in the craw when it's one of the top-flight tiddlers.

Jamie Jackson has just filed with the details on Ravel Morrison's move to West Ham. Fee: £650,00 that could rise to £2m. Wages: around £12,000 a-week rising to £65,000. Will point you towards the full story on the site when we have it.

Here's an interesting morsel: Manchester United have made a signing from Manchester City: 19-year-old Swiss defender Frederic Veseli has moved across Manchester. "I am very thankful to Sir Alex Ferguson for bringing me to such a great club," he said. "Manchester United has a long history of younger players coming through and hopefully I can follow and do the same."

Bolton have agreed a £3m fee with Watford for Sordell, according to Sky Sports. Bargain for Wanderers

"Re Michael Hann & QPR," writes Rich Lloyd. "Yes, that's about the sum of it. As a fellow R just said to me: 'Ridiculous. And all for another season in this farcical league.'"

Strangest news of the day: Nikola Zigic has scored four times for Birmingham away at Leeds. Follow all the goals from the evening's games with Barry Glendenning here.

It's all gone a bit quiet. Even the Twimours/Rumters have dried up. They'll pick up again after the full-time whistles, I'm sure.

Ryan Williams has signed a two-and-a-half year deal at Fulham. If that's the extent of the Pompey exodus, they'll be at least a certain amount of relief on the south coast.

"'Strangest news of the day: Nikola Zigic has scored four times for Birmingham away at Leeds,'" quotes Admir Pajic. "Is it really more strange than the fact Andy Carroll scored once tonight?" Fair point, well made.

"Sky Sports understands Norwich have made a late move to try to beat Swansea to signing of Peterborough's Ryan Bennett," tweets Sky Sports' Pete O'Rourke.

Here's Andy Hunter on Everton deadline day (attempted) spree:

Everton were among the busiest clubs on transfer‑deadline day as they secured the 26-year-old Jelavic on a four‑and‑a‑half‑year contract having revised their original £5m offer to Rangers' chairman, Craig Whyte. They also made inquiries for their former midfielder Steven Pienaar at Tottenham Hotspur, the Fiorentina winger Alessio Cerci, AEK Athens' central defender Kostas Manolas and the Paris St‑Germain striker Guillaume Hoaraubut, having needed a new striker for the past few seasons, Jelavic's arrival ensured Moyes's priority for the transfer window was realised.

And here's Jamie Jackson's full rundown of Ravel Morrison's move to West Ham:

The deal finally went through at around 8.30pm after Morrison passed a medical. Morrison's salary will start at around £12,000 a week with this possibly increasing to as much as £65,000. The rising sliding scale will be triggered only if West Ham regain their Premier League status. Then, after a certain number of top-flight starts, his salary would rise incrementally towards the £65,000 ceiling.

And here's Louise Taylor on Wayne Bridge's move to Sunderland.

Sky Sports have caught up with Mark Hughes outside Molineux. He's eating a boiled sweet. "We're [sucking noise] delighted [slurp] with what we've been able [more wet noises] to do so far," says the QPR manager. "Now can I go an finish my sweet," he adds with a smile. Mmmmmm, swwweeeettss.

A quick Twimours/Rumters sweep: Newcastle's Leon Best is in talks with Celtic, Edson Buddle is heading back to LA Galaxy, and David Sullivan's son Jack has just tweeted: "Maynard has sign :)" which could be a reference to wine gums or something about Bristol City's striker.

OK, an hour to go. A new Twimour/Rumter – Freddie Ljungberg is having a medical at MK Dons?! Surely not …

"The only update on Bobby Z is... that its still ongoing..." tweets our man Jamie Jackson. Imagine sitting in a room with someone saying: "We'll give you £40,000 a week to do your job" and being able to say something along the lines of "Make it £80,000 and we've got a deal". It boggles the mind, truly.

Pavel Pobregnyak has completed his move to Fulham and "Bobby Zamora has gone through, according to a source who has to know," tweets Jamie Jackson.

"Bobby Zamora has signed a two-and-a-half year deal, according to a source who has to know," adds Jamie Jackson.

> It's the final hour which means its Natalie Sawyer and Jim White. And me. And it took me quite a while to sort this pic, so I might as well get my money's worth. In other news Manchester City's move for David Pizarro has been signed and sealed.

Sky have just shown the Mark Hughes sweet-sucking interview again – could be this year's Harry-Redknapp-in-a-car interview.

Peterborough's Ryan Bennett undergoing a medical at Norwich, says Twitter. "It's official. Bennett to Norwich, obviously a club record fee. Subject to a medical. Loaned straight back to Posh and available for Burnley," tweets Alan Swann of the Peterborough Evening Telegraph.

Bit of news from Harry Redknapp: he wanted Krasic on loan, player wanted a permanent deal so it fell through (via @iandennisbbc) and Bassong to Wolves could still be a possibility (via @philmcnulty). "Redknapp says Bassong may go to Wolves if he can get a defender in on short-term deal. @SamWallaceIndy says Ryan Nelsen from Blackburn," he tweets. Expect lots of ifs, coulds and maybes in the next half hour or so.

West Ham are to pay £1.6m for Bristol City's Nicky Maynard says Jim and Natalie. That'a a huge fee really – he's out of contract in the summer. So that's £1.6m for 18, maybe 21 matches. Money well spent if he helps the Hammers back to the Premier League, I suppose.

Keith Andrews has apparently completed his move from Blackburn to West Brom. If memory serves, he's a former Wolves trainee.

"BIG BEN HAS A LOVELY FACE HASN'T HE?" remarks Jim White, cranking up the frenzyometer another notch or two. Strictly speaking, Jim, no he doesn't. He's the bell, not the clock.

Just 10 minutes to go, although of course not all the news will be arriving in the next 600 seconds. It'll be midnight before the full picture becomes apparent.

Nelsen to Spurs? Bassong to Wolves? Pienaar to Everton? Two minutes to get them done.

BONG! Big Ben strikes. And Sky Sports have added firework sound effects, which sound like someone strangling piglets. The foaming creamy pint of deadline day has been poured, now let's wait to slurp from the drip tray.

"Jim completely clownshoed that countdown," notes my old mucker Ben McFarland. "It was a shambles. Missed the Big Ben dongs by a minute."

Bassong has indeed joined Wolves, clearing the way for Ryan Nelsen to join Spurs from Blackburn.

Right, that's it from me. All the post-dong moves will be up on the site and on @guardian_sport. Thanks for your company on this marathon day of tittle-tattle. Cheerio!