THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence” for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry into an extremely lenient angel-work-release program, where he was permitted to travel back to Earth and visit his West Palm Beach estate up to 12 hours a day,” said spokesperson for God Claudia Thompson, adding that with special permission from the archangel Gabriel, Epstein had also been allowed to leave the pearly gates of Heaven to visit his abode in the Virgin Islands as well as his Manhattan penthouse. “Unfortunately, over the past week, Mr. Epstein also wired hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes to secure himself a lax visitation deal, which allowed him to bring friends, family, and colleagues up from Earth to Heaven for private, unmonitored visits. As of now, he has been required to register as a sex offender in the afterlife.” At press time, Epstein had reportedly been taken into God’s custody after undergarments belonging to underage angels were found on his cloud.

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