[attendance 306]) and the heavier, more political issues (atheism and non-monogamy, marginalized and minority voices in the alt-sexual world). Wow. Open SF was an intense and amazing experience. The Holiday Inn on Van Ness was totally chock-a-block with poly and other non-monogamous folks. G and I don't really identify much with any of the subcultures...we kind of did non-monogamy in a vacuum as there is basically no community in Taiwan and we were doing long-distance anyhow, so it wasn't even really a community of two. It's really eye-opening and exciting to find that lots of different folks have come up against the same challenges and came up with so many useful and interesting solutions. I personally thought the conference was a mix between the fun stuff (poly speed dating!) and the heavier, more political issues (atheism and non-monogamy, marginalized and minority voices in the alt-sexual world).

Event: Poly "isms": Addressing Multiple Marginalizations in Non-Monogamous and Kink Community



I was strongly reminded that I dislike panel discussions where the facilitator asks a short question, and a mike is passed along all the participants of the panel. It's such a dull, unstructured format. I was interested in the topic and some of the panel participants (all POC and perhaps marginalized in other ways e.g. trans or large) were interesting. So I would say despite the format, I picked up some really interesting information.



This was a nice barnburning speech about how rejecting religion leads to a re-evaluation of the religion-based moral framework for sexuality. Best line: "Without god to tell us what is ethical [in terms of sexual behavior], we actually have to turn to ethics." Christina argues that sexual ethics is commonly thought of as a big checklist of what's acceptable and what's not, and the checklist is constructed with a mishmash of tradition, religion and "the ick factor". Things that are icky to us are often in fact not unethical. Also, she points out that some of the best of our cultural achievements comes from taking a simple and fundamental human urge and making art out of it...for instance gourmet food versus feeding for sustenance. Second best line: "Apparently my DNA has been fooled into thinking that they can perpetuate themselves by spanking other women."

Event: Non-monogamy without sex

When you reject the premise that one relationship is the be-all-and-end-all romantically, interesting things happen to your non-romantic relationships too. You start asking why a relationship is automatically given more weight if sex is involved. Learning to be respectful and committed to non-monogamous partners leads you to evaluate other close relationships in your life and giving them the weight they properly deserve.



Three catagories of non-romantic relationships discussed: once-romantic relationships that are no longer sexual, "chosen family" relationships that never had a sexual element, and romantic friendships that contain a sexual tension that remains unconsummated. Marcia Baczynski and Julianne Carroll gave a great presentation that was very interactive and really got the croud buzzing. It occurs to me, and not me alone, that this kind of non-nuclear extended tribe that poly families end up being is actually a lot more like how humans lived for most of history than the mom+dad+2.5 kids set up that is currently standard.

Event: Sex with Benefits: Progressive swinging

There's a fair bit of mutual snobbery between the swingers and the poly folks. For swingers, non-monogamy is a very compartimentalized thing...just because they swap wives doesn't mean they don't also have the perfect house with white picket fence and vote Republican. Oh, and definitely NO HOMO! Among the men that is. Ladies, you go on ahead as it turns the guys on. Just don't get too weird or butch or anything. Well, the progressive swingers are seeking to expand out of the traditional, rigid 'swinger's code' stuff and reach out to the polys. I really didn't think there was much for me at the traditional swinger set, but the progressive swingers seem like a fun group and endeared me by drinking copious amounts of red wine during the panel and getting hilariously tipsy as a result.

Event: Keynote speech with Ignacio Rivera and Yosenio V. Lewis

This started off being really fun...it was an exploration of minority disenfranchisement in poly-land, an important but a bit of a bummer of a topic. But the humor was great and the presentation was in a really well-rehearsed cross-talk slam poetry format. Butttt...it went on for wayyyyy toooo looooong, and the Q & A completely lost me ("What do you think about using shared trauma as a framework for generating empathy regarding this topic...?" blah blah blah).

Poly speed dating

This was so fun. G had many fewer dates than I given that he is a straight, non-bicurious non-kinky male (he calls himself "the vanilla-est guy in polyville"). My best matches were [names removed].

Top 3 events I wish I could have attended, and overall thoughts

How Not To Be a Douche (on Fetlife and other sexy sites) presented by Cunning Minx.

Pickup Arts for Sweethearts. Because even after all these years of being non-monogamous, I still suck at flirting.

Poly Theory: Making Meaning and Re-Making Culture through Networked Romantic Relationships, presented by Joy Brooke Fairfield. Because I'm a sucker for changing the world.