In interviews with 18 women of Asian descent around the country, the women spoke of feeling torn between reluctance to take on traditional roles and guilt over rejecting them, between the sense of independence American society offers and the sense of obligation they feel not only to their parents, but to their parents' cultural values. And even as they strive for independence, they confront a society that often type-casts Asian-American women as meek and submissive, as good workers but bad managers. It is a stereotype that all Asian-Americans face, says Dr. Nishi, but one that is particularly strong for women.

In every aspect of her life, says Helen Lee, the daughter of Korean immigrants, she has to work through the often conflicting ambitions. When she told her parents she was dropping her medical studies to become a minister, they could not understand why she wanted to pursue a field with such uncertain prospects. She and her parents did not speak for more than a month, she said.

"A lot of things you learn at home, you carry with you," said Ms. Lee, who said she has reconciled with her parents. "I was raised with one set of values and living in a world with another set."

For one thing, she is 24 years old and still single, a subject of humor for her parents but also growing concern. Cultural Tensions

"They're more worried that I won't get married at all," said Ms. Lee, who is studying for her masters' degree in interdisciplinary studies, in communications and theology at Wheaton College in Illinois. "Twenty-five is the witching age for Korean women."

Ms. Lee's description of her struggles was echoed by other women interviewed. They say their parents want them to be trailblazers, yet specify the age a woman should be married, how much education she should have and what career she should pursue to allow enough time for husband and family.

While every woman's experience is different, these kinds of cultural tensions are most strongly felt by first- and second-generation Asian-Americans and tend to dissipate the longer a family has been in the United States, especially as the family income level rises, experts said.