I've loved Jesus since I was a little girl. My mother raised me by herself for many years and taught me by example what it means to trust God for provision. Church was one of my favorite places to be. I loved singing worship songs. I was a "star student" at Sunday School and VBS, and had what's often called "childlike faith". I was told that God loved me and nothing would ever change that. For my self conscious, socially awkward self who often felt rejected by peers, this brought a sense of security.





I felt atypical throughout childhood and adolescence. The "girly girl" mold never never really fit. I never could name or pinpoint why I felt different, though. There was always the general expectation that girls should hang out with girls, and guys with guys. My experience was the total opposite. I didn't have much interest in doing "girl things" and felt more comfortable hanging out with the guys.





Looking back, I see that I started "noticing" girls AND guys in 8th grade. I'd develop crushes on guys and try awkwardly flirting with them. But I'd also catch myself admiring the beauty and personalities of female classmates in ways that I now know were crushes.





I knew that attractions to guys were normal, as I'd been given the purity/abstinence/hormones talk by my youth pastors. I proudly wore my purity ring and committed to saving sex for marriage. I wasn’t alarmed by my attractions to girls, as they seemed to just arise naturally. I think all the internalized teachings against homosexuality prevented me from recognizing them as crushes.





However, I was eventually confronted with my sexuality during freshman year of high school.





Picture this: I’m standing outside my high school and notice a cute, red-haired girl. (Her name was Alyson. She was super cute, super outgoing, and was the classic tomboy femme (think makeup, dressy shirt, jeans and Converse). I knew her prior to this, but this time I felt actual attraction. I noticed her figure, her eyes and her smile. Apparently, a guy saw me checking her out, because he asked, "Hey, are you bi?"





I'll never forget the feeling of utter shame and denial that arose in that moment. "No. No, I'm not".At that moment I didn't even know what the word bisexual meant because I grew up in a world where you were either straight or gay.Although I hadn't acknowledged these attractions inwardly, I still knew subconsciously that they were wrong.





Suppression and a sincere desire to please God allowed me to ignore my sexuality for almost another decade. Any and all exploration of my identity was buried. While my pastors taught God's unconditional love, they also taught some pretty horrible things about LGBTQ people.





My pastor during my high school years spoke often about the need to resist the "homosexual agenda" that sought to destroy society. I still remember the Sunday when he loudly declared "I don't dislike homosexuals, but God hates homosexuality". My youth pastors, the two most influential people in my life at the time, told me that being gay was a choice, that gay people were abominations and disgusting to God.





Fast forward through high school graduation, four years in the military, and major struggles with depression and anxiety to age 25. Not much had changed ideologically speaking, although the time away from home and befriending people with different worldviews had put a crack in my theological armor without my realization.





Seemingly out of nowhere, I was confronted with the issue of sexuality again. Attractions to women that I'd suppressed for years were undeniable. Around this time, I began being exposed to voices and stories of people that would end up changing the course of my life forever.





By what I now know was divine intervention, I stumbled across a YouTube video series created by a young seminarian named Brandan Robertson. The series was created in response to a resurgence of "ex-gay" ministries and reparative therapy programs that claimed to change people's sexual orientation. As someone who always believed the Exodus International mantra "Change Is Possible", I was intrigued. These videos introduced me to pastors, mental health professionals, theologians and LGBTQ Christians whose stories proved otherwise. This experience marked the beginning of my theological shift regarding LGBTQ identities and relationships.





By far the most impactful story I heard was that of my friend Kevin Garcia. In his video segment, he shared about growing up knowing that Jesus loved him, his deep love for worship and the call to ministry he'd sensed from a young age. He shared about the shame he felt upon realizing he was queer, the years spent in reparative therapy and resulting harm, and the mental health struggles and suicide attempts he'd survived.





Our similar denominational backgrounds and love for Jesus, expressive worship and the church allowed me to connect with Kevin instantly. I saw myself in so much of his story, especially when he spoke of the shame he felt regarding sexuality and mental health struggles.





Kevin then got my attention by describing an experience with the Holy Spirit which convinced him that God created and loved him exactly as he is. As someone who's always believed in the Holy Spirit's presence, this opened my eyes to the ways God has defied the rules "religious people" have used throughout history to exclude. He spoke of the many theologians, authors, and resources available today that present an LGBTQ affirming theology.





From the day I heard about these resources until now, I've been on a quest for Truth: Is God okay with LGBTQ people? Are we really abominations, as we've too often been told by our churches? Is our very existence a sin? Or have we been wrong all along, misinterpreting and using Scripture as a weapon? As I've studied the "Clobber Passages" in context, considered the overall message of Scripture, listened to multiple theologians with multiple perspectives, and considered human experience and God's intent for human flourishing, I've come to believe firmly that God loves and affirms me just as I am.





Along with intense prayer, reading and study, I've also been amazed by the lived experiences of other LGBTQ Christians. I've become friends with so many people who experienced harm at the hands of "ex gay" ideology, but survived and are now thriving in Christ as their full selves. I'm fully convinced that God is indeed working in our lives freeing us from shame, setting us free to tell our stories, and changing the world through us.





So much of life has changed since embracing my whole identity. My prayers have become more bold. I find much less of a need to fit myself, my style, or my theology into a box that someone else hands to me. I believe God delights in my body, therefore I'm learning to love and speak kindly to Her, too. I believe that God looks at me and says "This is good. You are good."





I am Beloved. I am bisexual. I am Christian. God loves me, and nothing can ever change that.