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Products should make the customer happy, not be so deliberately dumb that the customer hears about them during a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. You shouldn't make every tenth new Oreo out of cat suppository in the desperate hope that cookie influencers tweet about it. And pizza, you especially need to get your shit together.

In 2012, a Pizza Hut employee happened upon the idea of a hot-dog-stuffed crust, quite by accident, when his manager caught him fucking a pizza and demanded an explanation. This marked the last time there would ever be a non-insane pizza invention. Today, pizza marketing is a series of deranged innovations, like a serial killer's journey toward becoming the Minotaur. For instance, Pizza Hut created "smart" shoes that place an order for you. Aside from getting the elderly to wonder what they're going to come up with next, what the fuck good do pizza shoes do anyone? If you have a use for ordering Pizza Hut via shoe, your foot is going to fall off from diabetes long before you get to do it a second time.

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And did you know that Domino's spent millions of dollars promoting something called "carryout insurance?" It's what it sounds like -- a financial guarantee that when your sloppy ass drops a pizza, they give you another one. Aside from getting us to mention how dumb that is, what's the point? Was there a community of fat idiots eating pizza off the ground and demanding their representatives do something? Let's say it's just to set your mind at ease. Let's pretend you're thinking about ordering Domino's, but decide against it because you're always dropping pizza. Will this convince you? Of course not. You're not even here. You were taken in the night by mad scientists, and now you're a lump of brain tissue labelled "HISTORY'S SADDEST FUCK."