Super Bowl LIII will pit AFC champion New England Patriots against NFC champion Los Angeles Rams to determine whether Patriots fans can find it within themselves to get even more fucking obnoxious. The Onion takes a look at the key storylines for each team leading up to the big game.


New England Patriots:

After the duo’s many years together, critics are wondering whether there’s enough left in the tank for one more Super Bowl win for defensive line coach Brendan Daly and defensive end Malcom Brown.


Sean McVay:

McVay is the youngest head coach in NFL history, and if he wins, he will celebrate by kissing a girl on the lips for the first time.




Los Angeles Rams:

A victory would go a long way toward making L.A. residents aware that the team moved back from St. Louis in 2016.


Bill Belichick:

The outcome could hinge on whether Belichick’s game plan is able to fully exploit all the referees’ weaknesses.


This is totally an option that night as well.

Kareem Hunt:

Not playing in this game, but they really should keep a camera on that guy at all times.


Tom Brady:

This game should finally settle the longstanding debate over whether Tom Brady is good at playing football or bad at playing football.


Jared Goff:

Rams fans should be encouraged by the Patriots’ struggles against middling quarterbacks in the Super Bowl.


Todd Gurley:

The Rams are hoping their running back shows up big and brings his famous Buffalo chicken dip.


The City Of St. Louis:

Would like to remind everyone that this is bullshit.