A comprehensive list of tennis nicknames by ESPN's Brad Gilbert

If you've endured the late nights and sleepy afternoons to watch the 2013 Australian Open, two things are certain: You're sick of the song that's been playing over the Melbourne tourism commercial and you have a love/hate relationship with the nicknames used by ESPN analyst Brad Gilbert.

The former player and coach shuns the usual trappings of nominal etiquette and assigns tennis players a new, catchy handle. If I were a player, I wouldn't be Chris Chase; I'd be "double C" or "Kris Kristofferson."

It turns off some viewers. Double C isn't one of them. The first weeks at Grand Slams can get tedious. We need something to liven up the proceedings, even if that's a relatively dated reference to a Jonathan Silverman movie.

We've been jotting down Gilbert's names for the past few days and, in doing so, discovered that his monikers fall into one of eight categories.

Actual nicknames

Boom Boom (Sabine Lisicki)

Djoker (Novak Djokovic)

Hybrid nicknames

Fedfan (Roger Federer)

Muzzard (Andy Murray)

Bags (Marcos Baghdatis)

Brand names

Hampton Inn (Jamie Hampton)

Kerber Baby (Angelique Kerber)

Oscar Mayer (Florian Mayer)

Madison Avenue (Madison Keys)

Brand Names, literally

Brand Names (Daniel Brands)

Pop culture figures of the '80s and '90s

Weekend at Bernies (Bernard Tomic)

Judge Ito (Tatsuma Ito)

Laura Croft (Laura Robson)

K-Viddy (Petra Kvitova)

Simon Sez (Gilles Simon)

X-Man (Xavier Malisse)

Young Ryan Express (Ryan Harrison)

Obligatory Snooki and/or Frankie Valli reference

Jerzy Boy (Jerzey Janowicz)

Food

Granola Bars (Marcel Grannollers)

Tabasco (Fernando Verdasco)

Baker's Dozen (Brian Baker)

Tuna Melzer (Jurgen Melzer)

Fictional characters of yore

Elementary Watson (Heather Watson)

McHale's Navy (Christina McHale)

Sloane Ranger (Sloane Stephens)

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That last nickname is why we endure all the Fedfan references. Sloane Ranger. That's solid gold.

Update: Gilbert was kind enough to bestow me with a nickname after seeing this post. He wrote on Twitter: "There's no way @chaztopher be designated CC or Kris Kristophersen I'd have to go with CREDIT CARD CHRIS you're Bank!"

That's why he's a professional, folks.