FUCK FUCK FUCK: Internet Tough Guy Also Actual Tough Guy

DETROIT — Reddit user Gary Johannson accidentally messed yesterday with the one tough guy on the Internet who wasn’t lying, unintentionally putting Johannson in the crosshairs of an unrepentant, real-life, actual tough guy, concerned sources report.

“Oh, fuck. Oh, man… oh, fuck. Fuck,” muttered Johansson. “I was browsing by ‘Controversial’ on reddit.com/r/historyporn when I see some dork calling General Douglas MacArthur ‘a little bitch.’ So I check out his comment history, and this guy’s claiming he’s an Army Ranger, a jiu-jitsu expert, and that he once infiltrated a Mexico City street gang just for fun. Total bullshit, right?”

After Johannson repeatedly and viciously insulted the anonymous combat veteran, the ice-cold, bad-to-the-bone son of a bitch tracked down Johansson, forcing him to flee his Michigan apartment.

“I made it way worse because I immediately started fucking with this ‘tough guy’ — I pretended to be his commanding officer, saying I saw him ‘piss his pants and cry big, fat crocodile tears on the battlefield dozens of times,’” said Johansson. “Last night, I found my security camera disabled, and a printed copy of our conversation stabbed into my door with a military-grade combat knife.”

“Once it became abundantly clear everything this guy said on Reddit was true and that he was going to force me to wear my own ass as a hat,” Johannson added, “I shaved my beard, bleached my hair, and got the hell out of town.”

Johannson’s father, although sympathetic, has reportedly made peace with the fact that “…my boy is totally fucking toast.”

“Whoever this bad motherfucker is, I just hope they neutralize Gar-Gar quickly and painlessly,” said his father, Gary Johannson Sr. “I would also ask that this real bad dude please not come after me and my wife next. Oh, and thank you for your service.”

While Johansson certainly deserves blame for insulting an Army Ranger, Veterans Affairs representative Antonio Velazquez understands why Johannson assumed “the guy was full of it.”

“Studies show virtually every person acting tough on the Internet is a real-life pussy,” said Velazquez. “Actual combat veterans don’t enjoy talking about their service, let alone bragging about it… well, except this one guy, who’s apparently going to rip Mr. Johansson several new asses.”

At press time, no one knows when or how this absolute man-beast will strike, but all involved are certain Johansson’s reckoning is nigh.