Study shows only a third of people discuss plans for dying but Marie Curie has an idea

You probably don’t want to talk about the end of your life. Only a third of British people have discussed their plans, and we are happier talking about Brexit than death and dying, according to new research. But Marie Curie, the terminal illness charity, thinks it can end this national reticence using parlour games as conversation starters.

It is giving out “Life Cafe” kits featuring playing cards and toy figures to craft groups, churches, Salvation Army branches and nursing courses. The approach to facing death might lack the carnival energy of Mexico’s Day of the Dead or the ghoulish schlock of Halloween, but it is timely. By 2040, annual deaths in England and Wales are projected to rise by a quarter as the post-war baby boomer reach the end of their lives.

The number of people requiring palliative care will increase by a similar amount with dementia and cancer the main illnesses, and more people will become carers or cared for. Failure to talk about it leads to pain and trauma, the charity warns.

So it has taken what could be a morbid topic of conversation and used it to encourage get-togethers over tea and cake, which aim to set medical and financial practicalities to one side and unpack the emotions of dying or caring for a loved one.

It may, however, be an uphill struggle. Polling for the charity this month by YouGov found that people are less comfortable talking with their loved ones about death and dying than Brexit, money, politics, religion and mental health. Sex was the only topic that made people less comfortable than death.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Images intended to spark a conversation. Photograph: Martin Godwin/The Guardian

But at one of the first Life Cafe gatherings, Will, Holly, Paul, Marcia, Maria, Cerys, Vicky and Julian, mostly strangers aged 23 to 64, were willing to give it a try. They gathered under the direction of Claire Craig, a Sheffield Hallam University academic who helped devise the kit.

As an icebreaker, Craig spread out picture cards and asked people to pick out ones that were meaningful. Cerys Aedy, 52, born in Aberystwth to a father who owned a fishing boat, selected a seagull and mentioned WB Yeats’ poem The White Birds, which had been read at her wedding. Maria, 60, from Enfield picked an elderly couple and recalled scattering her late husband’s ashes in the surf.

“That was a laugh the way we did that,” she said. “We chose the wrong tide and they kept coming back at us. I’m going the same way so I’ve told my son to watch the tide.”

Vicki Ambery-Smith, 64, sat next to her daughter Holly Bookbinder, 23, and picked an image that reminded her of them making Christmas stockings together 20 years ago.

Amid moist eyes, laughter and thoughtful pauses, the group opened up and homed in on ideas about what care means, its emotional power, even its smell and sound.

Craig drew a card from a deck on the table and read the question on it: “If good care was a sound, what would it be?”

“Family life,” came the answer. What about quality? “Unhurried.” Detail was “three pillows not one”.

The approach is intentionally different to death cafes, which set out to “increase awareness of death” and tend towards macabre imagery.

“We don’t say let’s talk about death,” said Craig. “We talk about what’s important now and in the future and what care looks like.”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Kits featuring playing cards and toy figures are given out to craft groups, churches, Salvation Army branches and nursing courses. Photograph: Martin Godwin/The Guardian

“Talking about it as early as possible, while you are still healthy, can vastly improve the end-of-life experience for you and your loved ones,” said Matthew Reed, the chief executive of Marie Curie. “We are about to go through a sharp increase in the number of people dying, but we are less prepared than ever before.”

Death has become more distant in British society as more people die in hospital rather than at home. The charity found a quarter of people have done nothing to prepare for their death, only 8% have written down anything about preferences for their care and only 36% have talked to a friend or family member about their wishes for when they die.



