“ITCHYYY!”

“What?”

“I’M ITCHY!!!”

“Why?”

“WAHHHHHH, I WANNA PLAY!!!”

“Oh… Ok.”

And so… Herbert and I embarked on an adventure to the bacon covered Calico Basin at Red Rock.

Unfortunately, Herbert isn’t capable of hiking because he(?) was born with a special type of congenital disease that prevented his limbs from growing passed the diameter of his torso; kind of like Nemo, except all of his extremities are inadequate.

“Aw yeahhh. I’m… a motherfucking shell fish.”

When we arrived at our destination, Herbert ecstatically hopped out of my jacket like a cricket (Although he can’t use his limbs as a mode of transportation, he is strangely capable of hopping, rolling, and apparently as we will soon discover… crack climbing?).

Awed by the gorgeous scenery and the distinctive red sandstone and baconstone, I had to take pictures and capture this moment…I initially thought Herbert had wandered off, but right before I took each picture, he would “discreetly” roll into each shot.

“Guess what, Phil?!”

“What?”

“LOOK AT WHAT THE FUCK I CAN DO, PHIL! OHH SHIT!!”

I wont get into the logistics of how Herbert is doing this, because I don’t get it. I stopped asking questions, turned my brain off, and decided I will be a Jimmy Chin for the rest of the day.

The hardest 4.15c crack climb in this zip code…

Herbert Honnold free soloing El Crapitan (can you spot him?).

After topping out, the wind picked up speed so we decided it would be best to trek back to the base, but not before stopping for one last picture… …Before being blown away like a toddler in a Caribbean Hurricane.

Fortunately, after looking around everywhere and shouting his name, I heard a distinctive fart that I can recognize in a sea of incontinent senior citizens at a bingo tournament.