I’ve written several times about the hypocrisy, ego-centrism, and inconsistency with which many people interpret the Christian Bible (see also here and here). Riki Lindhome (Twitter) and Kate Micucci (Twitter) – the geniuses behind Garfunkel and Oates – have written a very, very funny song that communicates many of my critiques, but with considerably more pithy eloquence.

This song is incredibly vulgar, and very much not safe for work or for anyone to whom you would not want to expose a graphic discussion of sexual acts. It is also brilliant in its biting critique of the fundamentalist obsession with sexuality and purity. There’s a lot of depth to the lyrics, and it is well worth your time to listen a couple of times through.

Here’s a link to the video.

I’ve done my best to reproduce the lyrics below (with no intent of commercial gain, solely for the purpose of allowing readers to catch the things they might miss because of the speed of their delivery). Obviously Garfunkel and Oates retain the copyright.

I think my favorite verse is “Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry….and circumvent any real sacrifice, but still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions.” That is, in fact, exactly my point.

Loophole

by Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci

All my life, I’ve been good

Do what my mom, and dad, and God say I should.

Go to church, and Bible school,

To live by God’s rule.

So whatever people tell me,

That the Bible tells me,

I will do.

Walk the halls of my school with my purity ring,

Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check.

It was easy to do until I got a boyfriend,

And pardon my French, but he’s cute as Heck!

And I made a pact

To keep my hymen intact,

And Jesus and I are tight.

I’ve learned about the birds and the bees.

I was taught to keep an aspirin between my knees.

‘Cause the Bible says premarital sex is wrong.

But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long.

I don’t want to lose him

To someone who’ll do him!

I need to figure something out!

Well there’s a loophole in the Scripture that works really well

So I can get him off without going to Hell.

It’s my “Hail Mary, Full of Grace…”

In Jesus’ name we go to fifth base.

Oh thank you for making me holy,

And thank you for giving me holes to choose from.

And since I’m not a godless whore

He’ll have to come in the backdoor.

Therefore…Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus!

The good Lord would want it that way.

That sweet sensation of a rock-hard rationalization

Is just between you and me,

Because everyone knows it’s the sex

That God can’t see!

It’s hard to be as pure as me

To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity.

To wait until my marriage bed

To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead.

So take your cock out

Shove it in my ass

Fuck me until you cum!

Whoops!

I mean…

Let’s find our souls

And unite our bodies

And fly on the wings of love!

Whatever you do don’t touch my clitoris

If you ring Satan’s doorbell God can’t ignore this!

And no prophylactics when you put it in

‘Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin.

I’ve emptied my bowels

And laid out the towels,

I’m ready for romance.

Now I’m prayin’ to the power that’s the highest,

But of all of my holes, this one’s the driest.

[pause for wincing]

And we can’t procreate, if we anally copulate,

And God’s okay with sodomy, but only if you’re straight.

And I’m staying pure no matter what,

So I’m okay with everything but,

Everything but, everything but…

Whoa, Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus!

The good Lord would want it that way.

That sweet sensation of a rock-hard rationalization

Is just between you and me,

Because everyone knows it’s the sex

That God can’t see!

I do whatever the Bible tells me to

Except for the parts I choose to ignore

Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient

But the rest I live by for sure.

So let’s not talk about how the Good Book bans:

Shellfish, polyester, and divorce,

And how it condones slavery and killing gays,

Because those parts don’t count of course.

Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry,

And line over ambiguities and omissions

And circumvent any real sacrifice

But still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions.

And don’t you dare question my convictions!

And don’t look closely at the contradictions.

Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion,

And have faith in its complete jurisdiction…

as the only way to measure if you’re good or not.

And when you don’t have faith just say, “Have Faith!”

‘Cause when up against logic it’s the only card you’ve got!

So close youre eyes, take a deep breath, and…

Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus!

The good Lord would want it that way.

That sweet sensation of a rock-hard rationalization

Is just between you and me,

Because everyone knows it’s the sex

That God can’t see!

Yeah my chastity belt has locks,

So sometimes you have to think…

Outside the box!