The Bee Explains: A Brief History Of America

WORLD—Today, everyone around the world celebrates American Independence Day. Sadly, while all 7 billion people on the planet enjoy the firework displays and barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers, a very small number know the real history of this great day. The least you can do is to take a few minutes out of all the merry-making to solemnly reflect on the long, storied history of America and the Fourth of July.

TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.—God calls Abram and covenants with him, promising to give his descendants all the land between the Eastern Seaboard and California, and also Alaska and Hawaii and some territories and a bunch of military bases all over the world. This Promised Land is called AMERICA.

FIFTEENTH CENTURY B.C.—Moses leads the Israelites on a daring escape from Egypt, culminating with the Hebrews sneaking across the Red Sea on Christmas Eve, Moses holding the American flag high, in order to surprise the Hessian forces at Trenton.

ELEVENTH CENTURY B.C.—David the shepherd boy battles the Philistine Goliath, running into battle while whistling the now-famous tune “Yankee Doodle” and firing an AR-15. Goliath is quickly frightened and dispatched.

2 B.C.—The Magi visiting from the East bring exotic gifts for the young Messiah, including gold, frankincense, and those small American flags people wave at parades and patriotic church services.

1492—Christopher Columbus attempts to circumnavigate the globe to reach India, but instead lands in the New World, where he discovers many natural resources. Chief among these was an ample supply of M-249 machine guns and lifted Chevy trucks, which Columbus was able to acquire through shrewd trading of key items like grains, rum, and smallpox.

1776—In a move that finally grants the Promised Land to God’s chosen people as prophesied numerous times throughout the Old Testament, America declares independence from the British. (Everything before this is basically just a prologue—the real history of the world starts here.)

1861—The American Civil War breaks out—err, sorry, the War of Northern Aggression, or the War for Southern Independence or something. Actually we’re still fighting about what the war was really about, which will probably lead to another civil war at some point here.

1914—World War I explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1939—World War II explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1962—The world finds its attention riveted on the potentially disastrous Cuban Missile Crisis, a brief period of sharp tension between the US and the Soviet Union. The crisis is finally defused when President Kennedy offers Khrushchev a souvenir bobblehead of George Washington from the White House gift shop.

1989—The wall literally and symbolically separating East and West Berlin is torn down, signalling how much awesomer America was than the USSR. America relaxes from all the Cold War fighting but announces it will try to provoke tensions with Russia again in a few decades “just to keep things interesting.”

2008—Obama is elected President of the United States and immediately reveals he is in fact Sauron, Lord of Mordor and enemy of the free peoples of the earth. His reign begins to cover all the land with darkness, but a small band of freedom fighters keeps the dream of America alive throughout his eight years of terror.

2016—Trump is elected President of the United States. His first act in office is to restore the celebration of Independence Day, which hadn’t been recognized under Obama. World peace is achieved.

Now that you’ve been educated, don’t just keep it to yourself. Go tell a friend the gospel of the United States today!

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee