Confessions of a Former Self-loathing Gay Muslim

Written by Ramzy, RN MPH

I was that guy. Yes. I was.

I would have never killed anyone, but my reaction to the victims of the Orlando massacre would have been, “They had it coming.” I cringe at the thought of my former self. Let me correct that, I cringe at what self-hatred turned me into. Self-hatred robbed me of my being. It possessed me like a demon, changing who I was.

I would like to start off by explaining who I was, what I became and who I am today.

Who I was:

From my earliest memories, I was a sensitive child with an endless love for animals. I was that kid who worried about homeless people, who rooted for the underdog, and who wanted to grow up to be something that could help people. I was that kid who made friends with the bullied and was bullied for it.

I was a religious kid; a devout Muslim and first generation immigrant from Lebanese parents. When I was of age, I began to pray five times a day and observe Ramadan, fasting even when my body ached of hunger pains and dry thirst after a rambunctious school day. My parents instilled in us a devoutness that even they were not raised with; perhaps, like many immigrant parents, they felt they needed to be stricter with us so that we would not lose our heritage and values in our new land. I remember my mom would use the phrase, “God is going to choke you,” anytime I misbehaved and I would grab my throat with my two hands in horror and fear. “Then you better behave!” She would say.

I was a normal, kind-hearted kid who wanted to grow up, have children, and live a good life. So what happened? How did I become such a monster for a good span of my life? I have had to reflect on this an enumerable amount of times to try and understand what happened to me. It started with puberty.

What I became:

To get straight to the point, it started when I first began to develop sexually. My attraction was for men. I couldn’t understand it. Why am I staring at men? Why am I fantasizing about men? I concluded that this must be normal; every developing boy must be going through the same thing. I would eventually start to like girls; it’s just a natural phase I was going through. That is what I told myself. Over and over and over again. I believed it too; until the feelings did not go away. I grew older and changed. Now I was different. I acted different.

I was uncomfortable around girls unless they were my friends, but I tried to fake it.

The worst thing a young man can be called is a “F*g” so I made fun of “F*gs,” I called people “F*gs.” I bullied an effeminate kid who only played with girls; not physically, but I called him names. I tell you that I wish I can find that kid today, look him up somehow, and apologize for my unkind words, but I don’t even remember his name. That is how badly I dehumanized him; I don’t even remember his name.

I was uncomfortable around girls unless they were my friends, but I tried to fake it.

This is when the possession began.

Acting like a “macho F*g” yielding wordsmith worked for a while, but then people began to suspect me. “Are you gay?” “You’re a F*g, aren’t you?” Those accusations and questions would haunt me with a knot in my stomach for days. Do I act a certain way? Is my voice high pitched? I don’t have a lisp, do I? What did I do or say that gave it away?!

I doubled down on my hate. I began to have a visceral reaction to gay people. I began to hate.

If it weren’t for “the gays”, no one would call me gay. It is because gay people exist out in the open that my sexuality is in question. They make it possible for me to be gay. If there were no gay people, then I would not be gay. This logic is warped, I know, but it was the only appeasement a self-loathing gay man could have. I became more religious; surely no one would suspect or accuse a pious man of being gay? There is an absence of sexuality among the religious. I even wished I was born Catholic so that I could become a priest and find safe refuge from myself. The mumblings didn’t stop however.

I tried to date girls, but it was awkward and futile. Give me a cause, a petition, an article, a law to vote for and I would do it, if it were against the gay agenda. In college I remained a devout Muslim in practice, but I know now, not in spirit. The thoughts I had for gay groups and causes that crossed my path, were hateful. I tried to “pray the gay away” so many times.

“Please God let me go to sleep and wake up normal or let me not wake up at all.”

I always woke up though, nothing changed. I finally slept with a girl when I was twenty five; a late bloomer, right? That is when I knew it was never going away. Before, I always thought that once I was with a woman sexually, then I would switch to being straight, because now I know what it’s like to be with a girl, of course! I have man parts and I can’t understand woman parts until I’m with a woman, then I will understand and desire woman parts. After sleeping with her; I knew I was gay for good. I was either going to start to accept myself or kill myself. I couldn’t kill myself because I would go straight to hell for committing suicide.

I became more religious; surely no one would suspect or accuse a pious man of being gay?

I grew tired, the kind of tired and deep depression where you go to sleep looking forward to your nightmares rather than face reality. It takes a lot of work to self loathe and I grew so, so tired. I turned to God again, “God, you’re just going to have to forgive me because you made me the way I am and I choose to be happy.”

There began my self-exorcism.

Who I am today:

I am me; a fun loving, kind being. I help people and save lives for a living. It is my atonement. A lot happened in between my possession and my liberation. I fell in love, I fell out of love, I lost my religion, and I slowly found it again. I’ve been scared of living my truth and I’ve been fearless. I am so grateful that I had the strength to be me, accept me, (still working on loving me, but that’s another story for most of us).

I went from being a lock stock Republican to a Liberal, who is not beholden to any particular political party. I have insight on how fear begets hate and the worst hate is self-hatred. The killer in Orlando was not a terrorist, or a Muslim. He was a self-loathing gay man who was too much of a coward to live his truth. I was not shocked by the revelations that he frequented gay bars and gay websites. My reaction was, “I knew it!” just like I know that any pundit large or small who has a visceral reaction to gay people must be gay. I know it because I was it.

Being a Muslim did not make me self-loathe or hate gay people. There was plenty of homophobia from every direction in our society for that. My parents never taught me to hate, in fact; they always told me not to judge and set an example as a Muslim. The hate came from a sensitive place.

Not everyone who is gay grows up with self-hatred. There needs to be that perfect storm: repressed feelings, societal homophobia, and a push to go against your own nature. Often the most sensitive, I believe, are prone to this kind of self hate. My drive to please others, make my parents proud, my society proud, made me hate myself because I believed being gay would only bring shame.

The Orlando beast wanted to kill the part of him that was gay. The monster wanted to hide his nature in a religious fervor and ideology where such an action would be welcomed by the deranged. If we want to prevent the action of the demons in the future, we need to prevent the mentality with the use of dialogue. It’s a complicated issue.

It’s a social, mental health, homophobic, religious acceptance, political, gun violence, community issue.

We need to be a society that does not dehumanize people for who they are whether it be race, religion, creed, or sexual orientation. When you dehumanize people they are capable of inhumane acts; especially towards those that remind them of what they despise most about themselves.

The Orlando animal wanted to kill the part of him that he could not live with.

The Orlando monster did not have the guts to live his truth.

The Orlando demon’s inhumane act makes him undeserving of a human name. The S.O.B, was a coward.

It’s a social, mental health, homophobic, religious acceptance, political, gun violence, community issue.

Let’s not wonder what kind of person the killer was. Instead, let’s look to one another and thank God we are still here to choose to accept ourselves, live our truth, and love each other even if we do not fully love ourselves yet.

Let’s honor those lives lost and say never will we live in fear and hate, or be possessed by self-hatred.

I am this man. This man that still needs to prove that he is good; so I do good. I feel good. I think good thoughts (mostly). I AM good.

It is who we often become as a part of the gay community. When we finally accept ourselves we are more often than not, good people; doing good to show the world and God that we are good.

And now, after Orlando, there are 49 less do–gooders in the world.