

Well holy shit. If that wasn’t a roller coaster ride, I don’t know what is.

*SPOILER ALERT – DON’T READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN EPISODE 9 YET…BELIEVE ME YOU WANT TO!

1.NOAH’S HOME

Surprise, Surprise – this week we open with Alison and boy did we ever! (this is only the second time this season the show opens with Alison) She is city bound and anxiously meeting her partner in crime or actually adultery. Noah throwing her in the air when he sees her was a little over the top but it is Christmas time and I guess everyone is in holiday cheer.

I am still not a fan of them walking around the streets of Brooklyn in clear daylight…it makes me so uncomfortable and I am just waiting for one of Helen’s friends to run into them. I guess this is why they try to go to that trendy hotel in Brooklyn but $1250 for an hour of sex wasn’t cutting it. So what does Noah propose – HIS HOME! Alison is reluctant but agrees. At this point I am like OMG NO. NO. NO. NO You cannot go in there. You are breaking every single rule. DO NOT DO IT. But they do. I wanted to vomit the whole time they were having sex. Although Noah tells Alison he will not fuck her in his wife’s bed, he does just that – and tells her he loves her. Ugh. So uncomfortable. I was waiting for Helen to walk through the bedroom door the entire time.

Also big applause for Noah at 45 being able to go twice. Kudos Noah. Kudos.

After they had sex , Noah brings up purchasing a “writer’s studio” so Alison could have a place to stay when she comes into town. All I was thinking as he was suggesting this was Oh and I suppose Helen will be paying for this studio because I doubt his teacher salary can afford his brownstone, his four kids and another studio, right? WTF Noah.

Alison jumps in the shower and pours out most of Helen’s shampoo. It is not enough she fucked her husband in Helen’s bed but she has to waste Helen’s expensive shampoo as well. Not so nice Alison.

After Alison watches Noah hastily change the sheets on his bed (I mean he wasn’t going to keep them on there Alison), she walks into the kitchen and takes in Noah’s family life. She accidentally drops a glass bottle of oil and vinegar and scurries to pick up the pieces. As she tries to hide the evidence in the garbage, she comes across a positive pregnancy test. I KNEW IT WHITNEY!!! But, of course, Alison has no clue and believes Helen is pregnant with number 5 (god bless her). If only Alison knew it was actually her brother-in-law’s kid. HA!

When Noah walks into the kitchen, Alison is obviously so upset Noah is still supposedly sleeping with his wife, her entire mood has changed. He tells her Helen will be home soon with the kids and they have to get going but Noah has a surprise for her first. He takes her to the pea size studio he mentioned to Alison earlier. You can tell right away Alison is less than impressed. I would be too. That place sucks.

She tells Noah, “That’s a stash pad, That’s not some place we can eventually live together. That’s a place where you put your mistress so you can fuck her when you want.” Yeppers Alison. You have to be crazy to agree to sign a two-year lease for those diggs. Noah tells her “it’s a temporary solution to a complicated issue.” They can’t agree and Alison takes the next train back to Montauk.

2. OSCAR

Now I never in a million years thought the show would take us to what I am about to discuss but they did. Vile.

Alison ends up an emotional wreck doing shots at a bar back in Montauk. I will say I was impressed by her choice of liquor. Oscar, unfortunately, shows up bragging about his successful dinner with investors. He notices the train ticket (why she had that out on the bar is beyond me) and makes mention that Alison is still seeing Noah. She doesn’t deny it, he brings up blackmailing Cole and the next thing you know Alison says “Do you want to f—k me, Oscar?” “You do, right?” She fully comes onto him, Oscar asks for the check and before you know it Alison is on top of him in his apartment. Wow, way to get laid twice in one day. But who’s counting and who’s judging? WTF ALISON. Somebody needs therapy STAT.

Obviously Alison wakes up hung over and disgusted at the thought of what happened the night before. You know this little rendezvous will come up at some point when Oscar needs to really pack a punch. Anyway, she wants aspirin and she wants to get the hell out of there. All Oscar wants his to feed her pancakes and take her to a craft fair. Oh sure.

Alison tells Oscar she is getting out of Montauk as soon as she can once the ranch sells since half of the money will be hers. Oscar enlightens her with the town records (that he just happened to have right sitting on the table) proving that Cherry has refinanced the ranch so much that there’ll barely be any money left once it sells. Alison has a shit fit and wants to leave that second. However, she has no car. Oscar must feel a little bad he freaked her out that he offered Alison his car. Two things here:

If Alison had no car how in the world was she getting home from the bar the night before? Taxi…I guess. Does Cole ever text, call or wonder where the hell Alison is all day and night?

3. CHERRY

Why in the world Alison confronts Cherry first and not Cole leaves anyone guessing. But she did and this was a scene I wanted to reach my hands through the screen and strangle Cherry. She is the worst mother in law EVER.

Alison leaves Oscar’s and heads straight to Cherry’s to show Cherry her findings. At first Cherry denies it but Alison has proof. Cherry tells Alison that she is not selling the ranch anyway and the boys don’t know yet. Alison replies that if Cherry doesn’t tell them, Alison will. Cherry tries to blackmail Alison by telling her she will tell Cole of her summer fling if she tells Cole about the ranch. Alison tells her Cole already knows (oh well Cherry). Cherry then digs deeper and becomes psycho bitch. Cherry says “Isn’t this ironic? You telling me what’s good for my kids. I remember a time when the roles were reversed.” Cherry reminds Alison that it was Cherry who recommended she take Gabriel to the hospital but because Alison thought he was okay (Alison was a nurse and all) it cost him his life and then Cherry let’s down the gauntlet. “Your pride cost him his life. It should have been you.” Oh no she didn’t. NO SHE DIDN’T. How about a BIG FUCK YOU CHERRY! This is the part where I wanted to strangle her.

4. DR. HENRY

Alison speeds away but stops for a minute to get temporary relief the only way she knows how – to cut herself. She cuts herself so deeply though blood is pouring out. The next scene we see her, I am assuming, is the only place she feels comfortable – her son’s pediatrician’s office. He cleans her wound and nicely tells Alison he would like to speak with her for a moment. He offers Alison the best medicine out there, a glass of scotch. (I couldn’t agree more, Dr. Henry) and asks Alison what’s up.

If this performance by Ruth Wilson does not get her a Golden Globe, I will be absolutely flabbergasted. Her performance here is STELLAR!

It is now we learn that Gabriel died from secondary drowning. A term I had never heard before until last night. (just another thing for me to worry about). Alison still heartbroken, flooded with guilt and sadness can’t seem to wrap her head around that it wasn’t her fault. Dr. Henry repeats it until Alison can hear him say “It’s not your fault.” Talk about walking around with a heavy heart. I can’t even imagine. Alison asks Dr. Henry if he believes in heaven to which he replies no. But all that matters is what Alison believes in. “I believe in hell,” she replies.

5. THE OCEAN

Alison leaves Dr. Henry’s office and heads to the beach. After a disastrous two days coming to a head, it seems as though Alison is ready to take her own life. She pushes her way into the freezing December ocean but either sees or imagines the little boy and mom she saw when she got off the train in Montauk screaming at her to get out the ocean or she will freeze. Whatever the case, Alison seems to listen and drives to Gabriel’s grave. She scrapes the snow off his headstone and says “Thank you.” I believe she was thanking him for saving her. She imagined the little boy as Gabriel pulling her out of the water.

6. LEAVING MONTAUK

Alison, for the first time in months, is alive. She goes home to pack her things as Cole walks through the door. He doesn’t understand why she is leaving and Alison hits Cole with the ranch drama. He begs her to stay but tells him that she loves him but if she stays there, “she will die.”

Cut to the next where Alison is back at the train station. (A lot of train station scenes in this episode and scotch). Cole shows up with the smallest bag you have ever seen in hand and says “Let’s get the fuck out of here. I don’t care where we go. Wherever you want.” Alison looks taken aback and then we begin Part 2. Noah

7. DETECTIVE JEFFRIES

Noah’s point of view starts in Detective Jeffries interrogation room. Jeffries is asking Noah several questions about his car – mileage, turning radius etc. I am to think he is collecting info to see if Noah’s car actually hit and killed Lockhart. Jeffries makes an odd remark about his twin boys but Noah calls him out on it, calling Jeffries a liar as he told Noah earlier he had girls. Jeffries doesn’t give a shit and proceeds with his questioning.

8. NOAH’S HOME

We are back to the uncomfortable scene of Alison and Noah having a good ole time in Noah & Helen’s bed. Noah makes a comment he wants to do something she’s “never done before,” which is clearly anal. Not only are they having sex in Noah’s wife bed but they are having anal. Jesus Christ NOAH! No wonder she needs to shower after. GROSS.

9. PREGNANCY TEST

Noah finds the pregnancy test, not Alison, which he obviously assumes is Helen’s and shoves in his back pocket. He put it in his pocket? Whatever. Alison walks into the kitchen and asks Noah if he knows where her to top went. He threw it in the wash by accident and suggests she take one of Helen’s. REALLY? Worst idea ever. How about Noah giving her one of HIS t-shirts and maybe mention to Alison that she should buy a new shirt on her way to the train. Better idea folks. way better idea. Also wouldn’t you notice if you bra was missing as well?

10. WHITNEY

Alison is on her merry way back to Montauk and Helen and the kids return home. Helen showers and asks Noah if he had been using her “expensive” shampoo. Um no Helen, that would be Alison who showered in your bathroom a few hours earlier. whoops.

Noah can’t take it and questions Helen about the pregnancy test which she clearly denies. They quickly realize it’s Whitney’s. Oh no the shit is going to hit the fan! Having both Helen and Noah walk into Whitney’s room, Whitney knew something was up and it wasn’t good. Good teenager instinct. Both question Whitney about the pregnancy which she will not admit to until Noah threatens to take both her phone and laptop away. If that is what it takes…But Whitney refuses to tell who the father is. Noah rages out of the room and Helen stays with Whitney to discuss an abortion.

Back in Noah & Helen’s bedroom, Helen tells Noah that she doesn’t know who the father is but she is 3 months pregnant. 3 MONTHS! Hmmm, okay Solloway’s – who was Helen with in the summer?? Helen informs Noah that Whitney had planned to have the abortion at the “nicest” Planned Parenthood and the mystery boy would be there tomorrow to meet her. Since Helen is now taking Whitney to her private doctor to have the procedure done, Noah is going to find out who this guy is….

11. PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Noah arrives at Planned Parenthood the next day only to watch Scotty Lockhart walk through the door. Alison’s own brother-in-law. Juicy shit. Noah goes ballistic and tries to take Scotty down. Scotty runs out.

12. MAX OH MAX

Noah is nuclear and runs to Max’s lavish apartment. He tells Max about Whitney’s pregnancy and how Alison’s brother-in-law is the father. Oh and Noah is still in love with Alison and happened to have just seen her yesterday ( just a little aside). Plus he loves Alison and can’t live without her. Max pours Noah a nice glass of scotch which he downs in one second. (the show screwed up here though because you see Noah sit down on the couch with a full glass – it was empty a second ago).

After Max tries to convince Noah to talk to his father (what father?), Max goes into this absurd comparison about an affair and a sexy start-up. It was actually pretty funny. He warns Noah that it won’t last and he should stick it out with Helen. Next thing we know, Noah is on the terrace watching a man commit suicide (hmm – nice parallel with Alison’s story who “attempts” suicide but doesn’t follow through). Noah has to make a statement since he witnessed it the jump.

“Why would somebody just take their own life like that?” Max asks the officer.

“It’s not that hard, buddy,” she replies. “You just make a choice.”

Alison chose to live and I believe Noah sees this entire act as a “choice” he has to make with either Helen or Alison.

13. HELEN

Noah returns home and overhears Helen and Whitney discussing the abortion that is happening the following day. Whitney is worried she will be depressed and Helen tells her she may be and tries to comfort her. Apparently Helen had an abortion before.

If you thought the Cherry and Alison scene was intense well that was peanuts compared to this scene. I couldn’t watch.

Back in Helen and Noah’s bedroom, Noah tells Helen what a great mother she is and how he has been absent. AND THEN HE UNLOADS. Noah confesses that he has been lying to her and himself. He is in love with someone else and although it may be the biggest mistake of his life he needs to be with her. WTF NOAH! YOUR DAUGHTER IS HAVING AN ABORTION THE NEXT DAY AND YOU ARE DROPPING THIS BOMB ON HELEN TONIGHT! SELFISH MUCH? All I kept thinking was he isn’t doing this, he isn’t doing this, he isn’t doing this. Helen is super quiet (which was awesome) as she is trying to figure out exactly what Noah just told her. This was not supposed to happen. This was the reason she married him, to avoid this situation. He was her safety school. Remember? Noah, being the kind guy that he is, offers to leave, you know, over time. Like in a year, after Whitney’s better. Then he’ll break up the family.

Helen tells Noah she needs him leave. She grabs his clothing from the closet and throws his shit at him. She opens the drawers and finds Alison’s pink cheesy bra. Helen goes bat shit crazy (as she should) “Was she here? Did you fuck her in our bed?” She screams and smashes things. She calls him a “Fucking Bastard” and demands he leaves. Where are the kids during this insanity? One never knows.

14. THE TRAIN

After Noah is thrown out his brownstone (rightfully so), he boards the train to Montauk, calls Alison and leaves her a message that “I did it, I left Helen, I’m on the train, I’ll be there in three hours.”

When he gets there, Alison’s there in all her messy prettiness, giving Noah that look — and Cole is right behind her where we left him in Alison’s story.. So… now what? I believe she is off on her own, at least for a little.

That’s all I got until next week’s finale!

p.s. Do we think Whitney has the baby and it is the child that Alison refers to in an earlier episode or Does Alison and Noah have their own child? OR Does Alison have a child with someone else entirely…..

Can’t wait for next week! Thoughts??