According to a report in the upcoming issue of the Hollywood Reporter, Donald Trump’s right hand is 7¼ inches long – slightly smaller than the average for a man. We got him, folks! Mission accomplished. Someone dig George W Bush up and tell him to meet us on an aircraft carrier. Finally, Donald Trump has been caught in a lie he can’t talk his way out of.

He can’t deny this fact, because his handprint was bronzed for display at the Madame Tussauds wax museum in Times Square. Mr Trump should be issuing his apology at any moment now. I also look forward to finding the briefcase full of cash the leprechauns left in my closet.

Wouldn’t it be great if Donald Trump was a real person and not a pile of old cheese covered in dog hair? What a dream world that would be. Except he’s not. With every plagiarism scandal, public gaffe or rumor that involves the deployment of nuclear weapons, we wonder if this will be the one that sinks him. It never is.

Take the spat he’s having with the bereaved Gold Star parents, Khizr and Ghazala Khan. Many of his supporters claim that they didn’t hear about Trump’s despicable remarks directed toward them. And a recent CNN poll had Trump trailing Hillary Clinton by eight points, but still pulling 43%. That’s a lot of people willing to support a person who vehemently rejects objectivity in all forms.



A cursory glance at Donald Trump’s public appearances during the 2016 presidential campaign would make you believe that he has giant hands, exceptionally large genitals and the mind-control device from Batman Forever in his basement, which he intends to use to convince the government of Mexico to pay for a wall.

He thinks he can defeat the Islamic State on his first day in office. He’s going to load up a T-shirt cannon with rolls of hundred-dollar bills and shoot them at unsuspecting citizens once a week without prior notice. You just have to be ready.



This is something all politicians do, especially those running for president. They promise the world and rarely deliver. Barack Obama promised to close Guantánamo. George HW Bush promised not to raise taxes. Nigel Farage promised the voters of Great Britain £350m a week for the National Health Service if they voted to leave. Bill Clinton promised to not cheat on his wife.

People say things in politics that they either don’t mean or never actually expect to accomplish. They lie or exaggerate. They prop themselves up and claim the moral high ground. Donald Trump has not reinvented politics. He’s simply doubled down on the tactics that have existed for decades.

On the off chance that Mr Trump can dupe enough people to vote for him (assuming he doesn’t drop out under duress in September after Reince Priebus shocks him unconscious with a cattle prod) he will surely under-deliver. His bluster is empty and his words are hollow. His ideas are as small as his stubby little hands. Whatever he claims he will do in the next few months will never come to pass.

I’m only confident about that because of the track record of one Donald J Trump. And as he fails miserably to stop Isis, to launch trade wars and shove odious immigration legislation through a hostile Congress, he will backtrack. He’ll claim he was misquoted. He’ll blame others. He’ll throw a temper tantrum to rival the baby he ejected from a recent event. That’s what he does. That’s who he is – a man without character, without principle and devoid of empathy.

Try as we might to force him to confront the fact that he indeed has tiny hands and a pea brain, he will never join us in reality. At times, the act of pushing back against him can seem like wasting your breath. You can only be gaslighted by this man for so long before you want to give up. But we can’t give up. When dealing with a man so delusional and such an unrepentant bully, the only option is to hopefully shout over him long enough that he gives up.

