By Christopher Blair | 30 May 2015

If You Only News

“How should you as a husband handle it when your wife directly refuses to have sex without a valid reason? Is there anything a Christian husband can do about this?”

When you come across an article with an opening like that you just know you’re in for a wild ride through Crazytown. The article, “Eight Steps To Confront Your Wife’s Sexual Refusal” is a self-help guide for the Christian man to confront his wife’s refusal to have sex.

The Bible apparently doesn’t allow women to refuse their husbands when they’re frisky. The author isn’t concerned with the occasional “I have a headache,” his laser-focused wisdom is aimed at those women who have a history of not living up to the standards of sex set forth in the Bible:

Christian Husbands – let me be crystal clear here. The situation I am addressing in this post is not your wife occasionally turning you down for sex (even with a bad attitude, as opposed to for health or other legitimate reasons). What I am addressing here is the wife who consistently and routinely denies her husband sexually simply because she does not need sex as much or she thinks she should not have to do it except when she is in the mood or she thinks her husband should have to earn sex with her by “putting her in the mood” by doing various things she expects or likes.

A woman should, regardless of her attitude, simply submit, without asking for any kind of pleasure in return, because sex is her biblical duty? Well gee wilikers, sign me up! Boy oh boy does that sound like fun. Yeah, that’s sarcasm. Women have wants and needs just like men, and demanding they put those aside and turn themselves into a human penis receptacle isn’t exactly my idea of a good time.

But I digress.

Part of a series that should be titled “Misogyny Unlimited: Christian Extremists Are As*holes,” this article accompanies other such classics as “Christian Husbands – You Don’t Pay For The Milk When You Own The Cow” and “Is A Husband Selfish For Having Sex With His Wife When She’s Not In The Mood?”

You can’t make this stuff up; it isn’t satire. Sadly.

The eight steps are built around a simple biblical philosophy:

A wife cannot flatly refuse her husband, she may only ask for a delay (a raincheck) and then she needs to make good on that raincheck as soon as possible. A husband has the right to confront his wife’s sexual refusal as a sin not only against him, but also against God.

Is the excitement building yet? If you’re trapped in a loveless Christian marriage with no way out that doesn’t include a trip to eternal damnation via divorce, this is your lucky day. You too can turn that unhappy woman into an unhappy blow-up doll.

Eight steps to confronting your wife’s sexual refusal.

Step 1 – Rebuke her privately.

Bad wife. Do as you’re told.

Step 2 – Rebuke her before witnesses.

Is she not shamed enough to put out yet? A Christian marriage counselor can help you shame her further.

Step 3 – Bring her before the Church.

Still not giving it up? There’s nothing like a good public shaming to bring the romance back into your marriage.

Step 4 – Stop taking her on dates or trips.

When shaming doesn’t work, treat her like a child who hasn’t done her homework.

Step 5 – No unnecessary household upgrades.

Does she want a fancy new ironing board or one of those new-fangled dishwasher thingys? Just say no. Since you obviously control the money in your home because women are worthless and can’t possibly earn their own, show her that the lavish life you provide can be taken away if she doesn’t comply.

Step 6 – Stop doing the little extra things

You know those dinners you cook, or that vacuuming you do, or those things that really she should be doing for herself, but you have simply been trying to be nice and doing for her – STOP doing them. Stop giving her those nice back and shoulder massages she loves so much.

“Those things she should be doing for herself.” Yup. That. Just. Happened.

Step 7 – Remove her funding

The author suggests changing the PIN on her ATM card and canceling her AMEX. Amazingly, he does concede that she may have a job!

If she does have a job, stop paying for anything in her name and make her pay for any credit that is in her name. The Bible only requires that you provide her with food, clothing and shelter. It does not say that food and clothing has to be the fancy kind she likes to get.

Clearly any job she has wouldn’t provide enough money to pay a bill or buy anything nice.

What if none of these 7 steps work?

“You have the option to divorce her for sexual immorality.”

That’s step eight. You want your woman to be submissive and give you what you want, when you want it, and if she won’t, she’s sexually immoral.

SHE is sexually immoral.

I have news for you big guy: If you’ve gone to this length to humiliate your wife, making demands and treating her like a slave, you can rest assured she’s getting some somewhere, and divorce papers have already been drawn up. Since you’ve been providing for her all this time, enjoy the alimony payments.

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