Something happens to Indians the moment they board a flight. It is as though they’ve also bought a ticket to boorishness. Sunday Times spoke to cabin crew to nail the most annoying habits of airborne desis

UIF drinks like a (flying) fish:

UIF hates taking orders from female crew:

UIF can't decide if he is a herbivore or carnivore:

UIFs are space invaders:

UIF hogs the armrest:

The Ugly Indian Flyer (UIF) is a rapidly proliferating avian species. These bipeds, typically spotted on aircraft, are known to collectively and randomly display signs of boorishness and debauchery as they ascend to higher altitudes — behaviour that becomes more frenzied when food is spotted. It may have something to do with cabin pressure.A sighting of the UIF's collective crudity was reported a fortnight ago, when IndiGo airline was forced to boot a 70-member pack off its Hyderabad-Raipur flight for unruliness. In a crowd, the UIF displays higher degrees of incivility, but individuals too have been known to sink to savagery up in the air. Having surveyed a cross-section of cabin crew across airlines to better understand the beast, we've compiled a set of key characteristics of the Ugly Indian Flyer, and listed triggers that draw him/her out in full feral form.For flyers of other nationalities, a boarding pass is a token of passage; for the UIF, it is a ticket to legally pass out. From the time he takes his seat, to the time he lands, he considers it a duty — nay, a matter of survival — to imbibe as much 'free' liquor as his bladder permits between leaks. His counterparts may settle for a peg or two before turning to dinner, a movie or a nap, but the UIF works steadfastly towards disencumbering the galley of its hooch. When his speech slurs and the flight attendant politely discourages a refill, the creature improvises. His spouse/companion/friend, a teetotaller all this while, will request a drink which he will guzzle down. On shorter flights, say to the Middle East, the UIF has also been observed to mix his drinks — washing whisky down with beer. The combustive combo does wonders that even aviation turbine fuel cannot achieve in getting one high in the shortest possible time.UIFs, particularly the male of the species, are impervious to instructions given by female cabin crew. "They're here to serve us, fetch for us and play coy to our advances. We're within our rights, and have a paid ticket to prove it." A 22-year-old cabin attendant asking for cell phones to be switched off and laptops to be shut is nothing short of impertinent. "What gall to ask us to tone down our voices! Can't one chat with a friend across the aisle? Why can't she go to sleep like the rest of the other passengers? In what world does one obey a woman? And she has the temerity to tell us to remain seated and not reach for the overhead bin even when the aircraft has clearly touched the tarmac. So what if the seatbelt sign is still on? Those rules apply to overcautious Europeans."At the time of booking the ticket, the UIF ticks off 'non-vegetarian' for her meal preference. But if the day of travel is a Tuesday, a Thursday or a Monday (or apparently any day in between), the UIF is an avowed vegetarian. The flight attendant desperately points to a chart that has the passenger on 22B down for a non-vegetarian meal. "Madame, it's why we ask for a pre-flight selection…to better marshal the meals" is a moot argument. "I'm sorry, but I simply must have the Chana Masala instead of the Chicken Chettinad."The UIF knows that love for one's family is directly proportional to the size of one's bag. And everyone knows Indians love their families. They don't see the problem in carrying two or more handbags into the cabin, after all, they're not weighed, and how else is one expected to circumvent the baggage allowance? Then of course, bags that don't fit into overhead bins have to be placed in the aisles. "How ludicrous to think they'll block evacuation in the event of an emergency landing. As if we would leave the bags behind come time to hit the evacuation slides!"In the middle seat, he/she won't only claim both armrests, but will project their elbows well into the other passengers' sides. If, to their misfortune, their fellow passengers are also UIFs, a heated game of elbowing will ensue until one capitulates and meekly tucks in their limbs.