From the studio which brought you:

‘Outstanding: Brendan Rodgers’ top 20 quotes‘

‘Special: Jose Mourinho’s top 20 quotes‘

‘Phenomenal: Roberto Martinez in quotes‘

‘Gravy and chips: Samuel ‘Sam’ Allardyce in quotes‘

‘Heavy metal: Jurgen Norbert Klopp’s top 20 quotes‘

Here are the top 20 quotes from Aloysius Paulus Maria van Gaal, whose retirement appears to be close. We will bloody miss him.

20. On his philosophy at his Manchester United unveiling, and whether the club would win anything in his first season: “I don’t know. First I have to see how the players perform my philosophy and how quickly they can pick up my philosophy. Until then I cannot answer. It’s very important there is a click between the players and the managers.”

19. On beating Liverpool: “For me, Liverpool is a fantastic club. Because I have won every game against Liverpool.”

18. On being horny: “We have to keep the ball better and we have to move the ball quicker – that’s always what we have to do. Desire… it is a great word. I often use the word “horny” with my players.”

17. On learning in 2001: “Louis van Gaal has nothing more to learn.”

16. On winning the 2009/10 Bundesliga title: “I told the board we would celebrate winning every title. I’m a party animal.”



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15. On being asked a silly question: “Am I the one who’s so smart, or are you so stupid?”

14. On being sexy: “I have the body of a God. Lederhosen suits me. But I also have a belly.”

13. On a 14-year-old Gerard Pique: “You’re too weak to be a Barcelona defender.”

12. On Arjen Robben wearing leggings in the winter: “I’ve never worn anything like that. I’m never cold. I’m hot-blooded, my wife says so too. We always sleep spooning.”

11. On criticism from Paul Scholes: “We didn’t have any money [at Ajax] and we were bankrupt, so I had to look to youth. We won everything with very attacking football. I don’t say it too much because otherwise Mr Scholes will be very angry!”

10. On Sam Allardyce’s long balls: “When a colleague of mine is saying this kind of thing, then you have to see the data and you have to put the data in the right context, I believe. So I give you this [handing out a dossier on long balls], you can see this also. I give it to you and maybe you can go Big Sam and show it to him.”

9. On Mike Smalling: “That’s my philosophy, the players have to accept the captain – the first captain is Wayne Rooney, the second captain is Michael Carrick and last year the third captain was Mr Mike Smalling. Sorry, I mean Chris Smalling.”

8. On making mistakes: “When I think I’ve made an error, it can cause me a sleepless night. But that only happens rarely.”

7. On being appointed Barcelona manager in 1997: “I have achieved more with Ajax in six years than Barcelona has in one hundred years.”

6. On being appointed Netherlands manager in 2000: “I’ve signed a contract with the Dutch national team until 2006, so I can win the World Cup not once but twice.” (He would resign after the Dutch failed to qualify for the 2002 World Cup)



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5. On being appointed Ajax manager in 1991: “Congratulations on signing the best coach in the world.”

4. On sex masochism: “Every human being who is grabbed with their hair would react. Every human being who is grabbed by the hair, only with sex masochism, then it is allowed but not in other situations. They did it several times I think. It was a very difficult match for the referee – when you see what Huth is doing with Fellaini, is that not a penalty?”

3. On dropping Rivaldo, who was crowned Ballon d’Or winner two days earlier, from his Barcelona squad in 1999: “Yesterday Rivaldo spoke to me and said he no longer wanted to play on the left. Because of that, he’s been left out of the squad. It was a surprise for me and a surprise for his team-mates. It’s a great shame. Barcelona has always had the philosophy that the club comes ahead of everyone – the players, the coach and all the employees.”

2. On being a bit drunk at United’s awards night in summer 2015: “Hello. Hello. Hey. Pay attention to the manager. I have said to you that you are the best fans of the world but I was tonight a little bit disappointed. And I shall say why. I have seen a lady who plays the saxophone fantastically. Give her a big applause!”

1. On Neil Custis: “Wayne Rooney has taken a lot of criticism this season. We don’t speak about Wayne Rooney, you have criticised him. I don’t – you! [pointing at Custis] You too, fat man!”