In a totally normal article that couldn’t possibly call into question the absurdity of religion, “Dr.” Candice Smithyman (who has a Ph.D. from the unaccredited Jacksonville Theological Seminary) says the “demonic” COVID-19 came after her in a dream, but she was protected because she ate a communion “cracker” before falling asleep.

See? Totally normal stuff.

On Saturday, April 4, at 4 a.m., I was abruptly awoken by God after an encounter with a strong demonic force that came into my bedroom and tried to put a sickness upon me on my chest. I cried out in my sleep three times as I rebuked this demon. I knew it had something to do with the coronavirus. The strange thing was that I went to bed with a communion cracker in my hand, which I never do, and I had been up praying for about three hours before I fell asleep and had this demonic encounter. I took the cracker before the attack. The next morning my husband told me I had been rebuking demons because he heard me cry out in the night against them while I was in my sleep. This dream was not because I was receiving the coronavirus; it was a warning dream, to tell the people that this virus is a demonic force and there is a way to deal with it spiritually, as well as biologically.

We don’t have a vaccine against COVID-19 yet, but apparently holding a pretend-Jesus in your hand will immunize you from pretend-viruses.

She goes on to claim the virus has ancient origins… involving rats.

I believe this virus is a demonic stronghold from ancient Egypt still in existence today… I did some research and I found that rats are connected to ancient Egyptian gods and demonology. In Egypt there were false gods who wore Egyptian mouse heads. Rats are known to multiple quickly and considered in China to be fertile creatures, which is why this is the year of the rat in China. Rats are responsible for spreading the bubonic plague that killed so many in the Black Plagues of the 14th and 17th century.

Nothing frustrates me more than unqualified experts who begin paragraphs with “I did some research and…” Smithyman did not disappoint.

So, um, hold on to those crackers and get the rat traps ready… unless you’re ready to succumb to a virus.

(via Joe. My. God. Screenshot via YouTube)

