Question: Why in God's name would you ever want to create a video dating profile? The Internet, in its boundless generosity, has given people (specifically those who might be considered "not traditionally beautiful") the slimmest ray of hope at having marginally normal sex lives.

The Internet is ripe for deception: misleading usernames ("buffjuggernaut25"), misleading incomes ("$100,000+, if you count my life insurance premium), and shockingly flattering photos taken from angles that no human will even be seen from in a naturally occurring situation. An e-relationship could last for two months on carefully researched e-mails, filled with opinions copied and pasted from hip trade publications and the latest Yahoo news headlines. It's the perfect opportunity to fake your own success and convince a person to send you a few dirty e-mails and suggestive instant messages before the cover gets blown and they met you -- and you were animated and ruined it.

Hey, here's an idea: Instead, let's skip the fun part and ruin it right off the bat. Great job, guys.

Sam

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Profile headline: "Hi, I'm a PC."

Major mistakes: Mentioning how you are specifically looking for a girl with red hair because "I used to date a girl with red hair who is really special to me." Also, having "perfectprofile" as your MySpace page kinda sets him up for failure.

Conclusion: No girl wants a guy who's going to make them wear a mask of his ex-girlfriend's face while they have sex, especially when you know it will end with a tearful orgasm and mumbled whispers of regret. And if she does she's probably fat.

Chandelier

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Profile headline: "Just escaped from institution, looking to settle down."

Major mistakes: Showing up on set

Conclusion: No one's saying that some people don't deserve love. But for some people you just get the feeling that given the opportunity they might squeeze love a little too tight and kill it. Although it's admirable to be so forthcoming about yourself ("What's important to me is my health"), and what you're looking for ("The thing I love about women are they got a nice attractive legs, nice body, and . . . nice hair"), sometimes it's better to play to your strengths. Unfortunately Danny's strength is doing a rather serviceable impression of a man with a traumatic head injury.

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