Many people with an “invisible illness” don’t feel support from their own family. That can be especially true for those of us with fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. How a family responds to chronic illness in large part is based on the strength and coping mechanisms of the family to begin with. The truth is, the lack of support and understanding I feel from my family has more to do with family dysfunction than my illnesses.



Since it is estimated that 96% of all families, are to some degree, dysfunctional, it would appear that this is the case for most of us. The isolation and lack of caring we feel from family may have always been there to some extent. Having a chronic illness just makes it more apparent and hard to ignore.

What Is Family Dysfunction

Family dysfunctionis defined as: a family with multiple internal or external influences that affect the basic needs of the family unit.

These influences may include:

Internal Influences

sibling rivalry

parent-child conflict

domestic violence

mental illness

External Influences

drug or alcohol abuse

extramarital affairs

gambling

unemployment

Three internal and three external influences apply to me. It is why I sometimes wish I had used a pseudo name, instead of my real name on this blog. I live in a very small town so I find myself holding back when it comes to writing about personal things because it affects other people.

On the other hand, keeping my thoughts and feelings bottled up is not good for my physical or mental health.

Dysfunctional Family Child Roles

Children in dysfunctional families adopt particular roles which help them to manage and ease the pain. There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. Some children maintain one role into adulthood while others switch from one role to another as the family dynamic changes. An only child may play all of the roles at one time or another.

These four roles are:


Hero – This is the child who may stand up against the aggressor or alcoholic to protect the other parent. As an adult, the hero can feel they need to be responsible for everybody and everything. They are often blind to their own personal needs. Scapegoat – The scapegoat is the child who unconsciously attracts the aggressors attention from another family member. In adult life, they may have a great sense of guilt, hatred, and resentment towards themselves and others. There is usually a kind soul is hidden behind this mask, but this is not known to themselves or to others. Lost Child – This child isolates themselves into their own world. They are quiet and withdrawn. They find it hard to trust someone. Traits like withdrawal and indecisiveness follow them into adulthood. The result can be a lack of understanding from those around them and isolation. Clown or Mascot – This child tries to be funny and comes up with all sorts of jokes to distract everyone from the real issues. As an adult, this person can make silly gestures, exhibit strange facial expressions and insert jokes off topic. They are hard to be taken seriously and often have problems with personal life.

All these roles mask the true self of a person. The more dysfunctional the family, the more complicated it is to get out of these roles.

I am a combination of the hero child and the lost child. Ironically these two child roles are the most likely to develop health problems. I’m not sure I was ever really a child at all. I felt a distorted sense of responsibility for the whole family from an early age. To cope with bearing adult responsibilities when I was far too young to do so, I cherished quiet alone time (still do).

Even as a child, I suffered migraines and had trouble sleeping. I was always so serious and as an adult I wasn’t able to enjoy life. I couldn’t enjoy anything good that happened for fear of losing it. I didn’t know how to be happy or what I wanted. The only thing that was clear to me is -what I didn’t want.

I was thirty-two years old when I decided I had to get help. I was depressed, couldn’t sleep and had a headache every single day. It took me three years of therapy to rid myself of those roles…to really know myself and learn what I needed to be happy.

How Family Dysfunction Affects Chronic Illness

Chronic negative stress increases our chances of becoming ill. Ample research demonstrates that psychological and social factors affect a person’s susceptibility to developing a chronic illness.

There are a number of studies on the influence of family and chronic illness. In most of these studies family dysfunction is associated with: poor coping of patients and family members, low adherence with medical treatments and adverse health outcomes.

Studies of stress and social support provide convincing evidence that family is the most important source of stress or support and has a potent impact on health.

Conclusion

Many people who grow up in dysfunctional families suffer internally which increases the risk of developing chronic illnesses. Family dysfunction can make coping with chronic illness more difficult.

One exacerbates the other, and both contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety.

Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to talk to your doctor if you are having trouble coping with your illness and have symptoms of depression. Seeing a therapist was the best thing I ever did. It not only helped me understand and deal with depression and family dysfunction, it made it easier to adapt to living with chronic illnesses.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment below.