Local man ready for pandemic if it involves nothing but going to the toilet for 12 weeks

Local shoppers have this week ensured they are well prepared for a week of two of mild flu-like symptoms by stockpiling a years worth of toiletpaper and nothing else.

“That should do it,” said local father of three Darren as he unloaded the thirtieth 20-pack of loo-rolls, “we’re now completely prepared should this virus involve nothing but constantly going to the toilet for 12 weeks straight.”

However, despite the stockpiling, government officials have warned 200 rolls of toilet paper may not be enough for some families should a week long quarantine be enacted. “We have ordered emergency shipments of backup toilet paper to help out those families with multiple teenage boys,” said Scott Morrison today. “The shipment is expected to arrive from China any day now. Wait, shit I forgot about the quarantine, it’s going to take months to arrive, Jenny if you’re listening get to the shops ASAP and grab any paper towel you can find.”