Owners of vaginas are barraged with everything from the latest pubic grooming crazes to “cucumber cleansing.” However, the nitty-gritty details of how to be an informed ally to that most resourceful and transformative of areas, the vagina, are left unmentioned. This has created past generations of ill-informed vagina-havers and we also see these effects in our peers as they reproduce harmful stigma and dangerous norms surrounding vagina care.

As a nurse-midwife, I see vagina-keepers of all ages coming in with the same questions, concerns and apologetic, sheepish smiles. “There’s nothing you could show me or tell me that would shock me” is never truer than when you’re talking to a midwife and there are no stupid questions! Let’s dive in…

Things to put in your vagina (if you want to):

Hands and Fingers

Hand hygiene isn’t just for surgeons. Washing hands well and keeping nails trimmed is a great way to show vaginas the care and respect they deserve, but it can also keep you safe from infection. Vaginal cuts from unkempt nails can cause post-sex spotting and pain when you pee.

Vaginas are made from the same cells as your mouth, so they heal quickly if they are taken care of. Any discharge that is greenish or foul smelling or pelvic pain (low in your abdomen or with sex) with a fever (over 100.4F) should be evaluated.

Condoms and Dams

Making sex toys even safer for both yourself and any partners is a breeze. Throw a condom over your chosen sex toy! This ensures that even if you are uncertain if your toy fits the above criteria, you can give yourself some added protection (at no expense to pleasure).

Dams are great for making vaginal or anal oral sex super safe (and fruity). Public Service Announcement: if your skin reacts to bandaids and balloons, you may be allergic or sensitive to latex. This is not a fact that is fun to learn after penetrative sex with a latex condom, trust me, I learnt the hard way.

Sex Toys and Lube

Aim for body-safe and non-porous materials for extra brownie points! 100 percent silicone, glass and metal are great options to investigate.

A common myth is that lube is just for older women who aren’t into sex and horny teenage boys masturbating furiously. Let’s put these stereotypes to bed forever; lube is for everyone and can even decrease your risk of STIs! As a healthcare provider, we recommend water-based lubes that are glycerin free (like this one) due to their safety of use with condoms and silicone sex toys. The downside to water-based lubes is that they quickly absorb (making things feel sticky, not slippery) leading to faster use.

On the other hand, silicone-based lubes (like this one) are great due to their waterproof, long lasting (read: great for anal sex or a lengthy sex session), concentrated nature making them able to be used in small amounts, however they *cannot* be used with silicone toys as they can degrade the silicone making your toy a potential health hazard for you and any partners.

There is a great pros and cons list of every lube option you can think of here. If you’re new to lube (and I can’t recommend it enough), just place a dime size amount on your fingers and applying it to the tip of whatever takes your fancy (fingers, dildo, penis) then use those same lubed up fingers to apply any left-over lube to the vaginal opening or clit. Enjoy!

Tampons

Stigma and shame surrounding periods is still rampant despite the strides feminists continue to make to normalize this most natural and time-old monthly visitor. Tampons are a legitimate menstrual option, though like everything else we put in our vaginas, proper use is paramount.

Tampons are designed to stay in the vagina during menstruation until they have absorbed enough fluid to be easily removed. Has it ever hurt to pull out a tampon? Pulling out a tampon too early can cause microtears that can burn! However, tampons that are left in too long (anything over 8 hours) or tampons that have become stuck or forgotten can lead to Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) a rare, life-threatening bacterial infection.

Menstrual Cups

These bad girls came on the market back in the 2000’s and have become increasingly popular due to their affordability (a $20-$30 upfront cost per cup that can last between 2-4 years!), discrete and ecofriendly nature (compared to using disposable tampons or pads each month).

Similarly to tampons, menstrual cups can also cause TSS and shouldn’t be used for more than 10-12 hours before rinsing then reinsertion. Another, often untalked about potential menstrual cup complication is IUDs, or rather the unwitting self-removal of IUDs by menstrual cup users grasping their strings through the cup and pulling!

Always break the cups seal with the cervix before removing. If you do happen to completely or partially pull out your IUD, its OK! Just remember to use a backup method for contraception (and STI prevention) until you see your provider (ASAP for a partially pulled out IUD).

Things to (please!) not put in your vagina:

Sugar, and items that contain sugar

Flavored condoms and some lubes often have hidden sugars (and other surprise ingredients) called glycerin. Glycerin may make oral sex with a condom taste less like… a condom, these sugars put your vagina at risk for yeast infections by giving fungus more food to eat and thus, changing the pH balance of the vagina.

Sugar can also be hiding in your bath bombs, scrubs and shower products making vaginas itchy, red and unhappy. If in doubt, ask or Google!

Feminine “Hygiene” Products

Repeat this with me; my vagina is clean. Though vaginas might not smell like “Sweet Romance” or “Island Splash” they are not meant to! Vaginas regulate their own pH (responsible for the way they smell) and clean themselves. Women have been told for eons their vaginas are smelly and messy, but I promise you, everyone’s vagina has a smell and produces discharge (you know what is normal for you!).

Douches are counterproductive to both pussy power and pussy health! I see women every week with raging, unending, recurrent yeast infections that can’t understand why their symptoms persist. With a little sleuthing, the #1 culprit is douches… then stress, changes in sexual practices (new lube? Forget to pee after sex?), or maybe they haven’t been changing out of their thong before hitting the gym.

Washing vulvas with plain, old, warm water is all it takes and using a gentle, pH neutral soap on the outside will keep your vagina chipper and feeling fine.

Glitter…yes, really:

Yes, something that I never thought I would have to say… Please don’t put glitter in your vagina. This includes anything that contains glitter, such as bath bombs and body makeup. Vaginas are fancy enough without it. New rule: if you wouldn’t put it in your mouth, don’t put it into a vagina!

Vaginas mean a lot of different things to different folks and each one is unique. One thing we can agree on, is that vaginas deserve respect and to be cared for in an informed manner to keep both them and their owners happy!

You know your body better than anyone. Treat it with love. Don’t be ashamed of the way that it functions and if something is “different” go and see a vagina-care expert and will arm you with all the help and information you and your vagina can handle. If you’re not sure who to turn to for vagina based information or care, organizations like Planned Parenthood are absolute vagina (and penis) wizards and would love to see you for an evidence-based, vagina-focused appointment.

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