The following is an op-ed written by the staff sergeant who accosted you in the Marine Corps Exchange.

Ay there, devil dog! Yes, you! Get over here, yoohoo. Quick, fast, and in a hurry. “Aye aye, Staff Sergeant, ersumshit?” And I know we always give the daggone proper greeting of the day. Who’s your 1stSgt? You know what — belay that, just listen.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. I don’t like seein’ warfighters slimin’ around, smokin’ and jokin’, diddyboppin’ like they’re back on the block. You need to fix yourself before I can let you back out there hookin’ and jabbin’. You trackin’?

No impact, no idea?

I’m gonna break it down Barney-style for you then, soup to nuts. I’m gonna orientate you to all the wickets, so it would behoove of you to pay attention. Just for your S.A., this little hip pocket class is about daggone good order and discipline, you trackin’?

That daggone haircut on your grape is unsat, you trackin’? And that shave is bad-to-go, you trackin’? I get it, maybe you were just downrange, playin’ secret squirrel, all high-speed low-drag.

But I can’t have motivators walkin’ around my installation lookin’ like a soup sandwich.

I aint just runnin’ my suck for no reason, either. This is called puttin’ the S in BAMCIS, you trackin’?

And if you’re feelin’ lost in the sauce, well, sometimes you just gotta press the “I believe” button, drink the kool aid, and shut up and color. If you can get all that knowledge in your brain housing group, it’s gonna set you up for success… you trackin’, devil dog?

And just to caveat off of that: remember the buddy system, devil dog. Try goin’ alone and unafraid and you’re fixin’ to take one through the running lights, good-to-go? Now I’m gonna pop smoke, because I’ve gotta get oscar mike here in a few minutes. Just take this informal counseling as another tool for your tool kit.

You trackin’? ‘Rah.