While entering his credit card number in an online store to buy a replica championship belt worth two months of his salary as a Subway sandwich artist, wrestling fan Todd Dempster regaled himself with a chant of “You deserve it.”

“You deserve it!” Dempster hollered, trying not to think of his high-interest student loan or the escalating calls he has been receiving from debt collectors.

Dempster then clapped five times in a syncopated rhythm, again shouted “You deserve it,” and repeated this process for a full two minutes while trying to decide whether to get the classic “winged eagle” Heavyweight Championship replica of a Universal Championship replica.

Dempster, who already owns four replica belts and has nearly maxed out his Visa, does not deserve it.

He does not deserve another overpriced wrestling championship belt (particularly considering he twisted his ankle somehow while using the toilet this week), no does he deserve the encouraging chant he performed for himself.

His mother, Gladys, who lives above his subterranean dwelling, says Todd is never going to live independently or get a girlfriend if he keeps blowing all his money on wrestling memorabilia. “He’s poor and lonely,” Gladys said, “and frankly he deserves it.”

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