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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — The Russian/American President just cannot believe his luck, sources close to the Kremlin are telling the media, and when Vladimir Putin visits his most loyal employee later this fall, he will have a chance to do something he did not dare to dream was possibly just two years ago.

“No, really? That tubby fuck is inviting me to the White House? Hilarious,” Putin was overheard telling his inner circle tonight. “Soooo…I’m just going to get to waltz in there, despite their intelligence agencies saying I personally ordered a coordinated attack of cyber war against them? Wowee wow wow. Insane. Guys? That’s fucking insane.”

Putin just couldn’t believe his luck.

“I really cannot believe my luck,” Putin exclaimed in his native tongue. “I thought it was cray-cray applesauce when he let Lavrov into the Oval Office without anybody from his own press! But never in a bajillion years did I think my little orange shit clown would have the balls to even think of this! Amazing. Amaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzing.”

Putin was astounded that no one on Trump’s team warned him about the optics of such an invitation.

“Does he not have anyone, any adviser who’d tell him what a bad idea this is? Oh wait, right, we helped put his team together,” Putin said laughing hysterically. “Amazing. Astounding. Truly phenomenal. I think I need to go buy a lottery ticket!”

Both the Kremlin and the American Kremlin have declined to set any concrete agenda for Putin’s visit. The date has also not been committed to by either side. However. Mr. Putin was overheard telling his underlings he was in need of a “few special somethings from the tech department.”

“I hear he likes Diet Cokes and KFC,” Putin said. “Maybe we put spy stuff in his toilet because we know he spends most of day in there tweeting and shitting out the horrible things he puts in that disgusting body of his.”

President Putin enjoyed a hearty laugh. The White House could not be reached for comment.

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.