It is illegal to sell vibrators in Alabama. That’s right, according to the Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act of 1998 selling sex toys in the, ahem, Yellowhammer State is a criminal act (Yellowhammer just sounds like the name of a vibrator, doesn’t it?) Sex toy meaning any device designed or marketed primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs. In Alabama it’s illegal to distribute, possess with intent to distribute, or offer or agree to distribute sex toys. First time offenders face up to a $10,000 fine and a year in county jail or hard labor for the county (I guess the jail is a country club?). Repeat offenders face fines of $10,000-$50,000 and up to ten years in prison. Yup, all for helping a lady have an orgasm.

So Viagra, Cialis, and all the drugs for erectile dysfunction are okay. Never mind that they INCREASE BLOOD FLOW TO THE PENIS CAUSING STIMULATION, JUST LIKE VIBRATORS INCREASE BLOOD FLOW TO THE CLITORIS AND PELVIC ORGANS CAUSING STIMULATION (I’m using all caps because I am shouting). And men can also get a penile pump implant for erectile dysfunction in Alabama. Because when men in Alabama have trouble achieving orgasm it’s a medical problem, but when the women of Alabama have a hard time getting off it’s just too fucking bad.

The logic of banning the sale of vibrators is difficult to follow (never mind the wanton misogyny). I mean, if wanting to stimulate the genitals mechanically is wrong, then why isn’t manual stimulation just as bad? Shouldn’t there be a ban on all masturbation? Let’s criminalize hand jobs and blow jobs (talk about a campaign slogan!), because we all know that the road to hell is paved with carnal satisfaction (and that starts with S and that rhymes with YES! and that stands for sex!). Even if we don’t find a way to keep the young ones morals after school (and protected from certain death by depravity), banning masturbation will at least protect our young men and women from carpal tunnel syndrome. I mean without a vibrator that’s a lot of wrist action for the naughty good people of Alabama.

A similar stupid law was finally laid to rest in Texas in 2008 by the Fifth Circuit (whose decision also liberated the women of Mississippi). But the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals thinks differently. Apparently the State of Alabama and the Justices of the 11th Circuit support government so small it’s lurking in the bedroom with a watchful eye on the clitoris. Jeepers, that thing gets scary when it’s all riled up!

Let’s also keep in mind that it’s legal to sell guns and fire works in Alabama. As long as no one’s having a good orgasm then we can all sleep safe and sound, knowing that God and Country are safe.

Except the women of Alabama. They’re not sleeping well at all. Their carpal tunnel syndrome keeps them up at night.