Hi, Han Seo Hee. How are you?

I guess you might not be so good. I’ve been noticing that people have been giving you a hard time lately.

I noticed that you posted this picture to your Instagram, which features some girls from k-pop group Gugudan, and that you blocked out their faces to conceal their identity. Of course you didn’t want them to have their image affected for hanging out with a controversial figure such as yourself, so that was very thoughtful of you, pity that k-pop fans (being insane and very bored) dug around and found out who they were anyway, and then blamed you for hanging out with them. What these fans are even doing on your Instagram anyway if they hate you so much, I have no idea.

I’m not sure why people hanging out with each other is such an issue anyway, and to me Han Seo Hee’s exposing of the lame concerns of k-pop fans is very righteous. I personally would have thought that perhaps k-pop fans should be more concerned about oppa’s latest gang-rape and the wide-reaching organised crime network covering up their tracks, than three girls going to a restaurant for some milkshakes, but I’ll readily admit that maybe I’m just a little out-of-step with the hot issues affecting today’s k-pop fans. What worries me the most about this though is that essentially Han Seo Hee and the Gugudan girls are being punished for nothing more than being friends. What’s wrong with being friends with other people? Everybody needs friends.

Being friends with someone shouldn’t be misconstrued as an endorsement of all their opinions. I know it’s hard to believe in these days of “cancel culture” where people refuse to associate with others who don’t have exactly the same beliefs as them on 100% of all issues, but it’s possible to be friends with all kinds of people, even those who have ideas you might find abhorrent. I know that I have strong disagreements with pretty much every single one of my friends about a variety of issues. Maybe those Gugudan members really are also a bunch of TERFs who would also hug and kiss your oppars while doing drugs and annoyingly failing to debut, but it’s more likely that they’re not. Maybe they’re even trying to bring Han Seo Hee around to a more moderate way of thinking, like the black gentleman in the above video did for his friend in the KKK. In fact, Han Seo Hee has already shown signs of deradicaliastion, so perhaps what they’re doing is working.

However this progress could be backtracked easily. I’m worried that people are acting like Han Seo Hee isn’t allowed to even have friends, and not only do I think that’s really mean, but I think it’s very counterproductive, especially when it’s coming from people who claim to care about opposing her opinions. I fear that ostracising her in this way may lead to her becoming more radical in her beliefs again. Studies have shown that people who enter organisations with extremist ideologies often do so in order to feel a sense of belonging after experiencing rejection from family, friends and mainstream society. It seems to me that pushing people to the ideological fringes could lead to dangerous consequences that could be damaging to society at large.

So anyway Han Seo Hee, in the absence of any other apparent offers, I’ve decided to take the plunge. Han Seo Hee, let’s be friends. Sure, we might have a few differences of opinion here and there, but I don’t think we should let something like that come between us. There’s no reason why we can’t have a good time together.

Now I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry. Sure, you’re definitely attractive, there’s no denying it – but I already have a girlfriend and no offense but she’s way hotter than you plus a lot smarter, so you’re quite safe, or at least certainly safer than you would be at a Korean nightclub with some of the guys that you’ve hung out with in the past (okay, admittedly that’s not saying very much and might be a bad example).

To get some ideas on what we could do to truly bond as friends in a wholesome and completely platonic way, I decided to go to a new forum called KpopSource, and ask the question of their membership. KpopSource invited me to be part of their membership recently, and so naturally being a friendly kind of person who loves meeting new online folks I said yes straight away. I’ve experienced nothing but love and good vibes from the entire community and staff over there ever since, so I thought they would be the perfect people to ask about how best I proceed with forging a new friendship with you.

As I expected, I did receive some slight cynicism, but also a great deal of helpful advice. I did my best to refocus cynical people away from prurient gossip and onto the important task at hand. I now put forward to you the following suggestions.

Don’t we both know it. What a great suggestion! I told you that KpopSource community is super-friendly. I’d never heard of rabb.it before, but after reading this I made sure to make a rabb.it account. I’ve now set up a group where we can watch videos together!

If you’d like to hook up a video-watching session, just shoot me an email and we’ll organise a time together! Maybe we can watch those bitches from Gfriend fall over a lot, I bet you can tell me a lot about what Eunha’s really like, that’s something that my readers would love to know a lot about.

What other suggestions did the community at KpopSource have?

This fantastic suggestion came from a forum admin, no less! KpopSource’s admins are great, far better than the creepy admins of certain other k-pop forums. I’ve noticed that you like a good game of Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds – so does Kpopalypse! I think that we should definitely do duos together. I don’t often play PUBG duos because my teammate is usually a random fucktard who just wants to drop at busy places like Erangel’s school and Sanhok’s bootcamp over and over, and because I have old-man reflexes I just insta-die to some prick who picked up a Kar98k two seconds after landing. I’m confident that you’ll be a more intelligent gamer than that, especially with your proven prison survival skills, plus your English is quite good so we’d have a reasonably good chance of working together successfully because the only Korean word that I’ve learned in seven years of k-pop blogging is “caonima” which isn’t even Korean.

And while you’re on voice chat, don’t be afraid to chat about hard topics! Or you can just chat about boring stuff too if you want. Remember that I do a livestream every Sunday so don’t be shy and drop in sometime!

More great suggestions! This person suggested that you’d like it if I shared pictures of my life every day. So I decided to finally post something up on my Instagram, which has been dormant ever since I created it because I’ve only ever used it until now to follow k-pop girls and adult video stars.

Hopefully this picture helps you to feel closer and more like we are friends. I also liked the suggestion of having a box where I put in reasons that I like you and pull one out and share one of them every day. Here’s the first one:

And another, because I wrote this post over two days:

Sorry if that last one doesn’t sound too platonic, but I thought that you would appreciate honest expression of my feelings about why I like you. Don’t worry I’m not going to drug you and feel you up while you’re unconscious like some of those k-pop boys would, I like your boobs in a pure “admiration from afar as a work of art to be admired for aesthetic value and occasional fap” sense only. Anyway, let me know if you’d like to see more of these thoughts, I have a whole box full of them now and eventually my girlfriend is going to find the box and then there’ll be an awkward conversation about how her one-proud boyfriend has degenerated into a pathetic Han Seo Hee fanboy so the less of these bits of paper with cheesy shit floating around inside the box when she finally stumbles across it the better.

Anyway thanks to all the people over at KpopSource for being wonderfully understanding and supportive, as this post wouldn’t have been possible without their input. Make sure that you sign up to KpopSource today, readers, and don’t forget to tell everyone that Kpopalypse sent you! Oh and Han Seo Hee, just know that I’m willing to be your friend, and willing to do the things that YOU are interested in. Don’t worry, I won’t be stalking your social networking or forcing myself on you like a creepy Jung Joon Young, I’ll just keep minding my own fucking business and I’ll wait for you to make contact should you so choose. Maybe you’re okay and you don’t need a friend, and that’s totally fine and I wish you all the best – but just know that if you are feeling lonely, that I’m here for you. Thanks for reading!

(Oh and for the rest of my readers – sorry for this soppy touching heartfelt post – I’ll get back to being a cunt soon I promise)