‘You shared videos of them to paedophiles all around the world. That haunts me’: the letter you always wanted to write

I loved you like I never loved anybody before. I thought we had an amazing life and our children had the most amazing father. How wrong I was. You had a secret life, didn’t you? One filled with evil. One filled with destroying children’s lives.

Our girls adored you; they were daddy’s girls. Our youngest was just starting playgroup, and our eldest was thriving in her first year of school. You’d tell me to go out and enjoy myself with my friends. “You deserve it,” you’d say, “you’ve worked hard this week.” You’d send me selfies while I was out: pictures of you and my girls, all full of smiles.

Do you remember the day we were raided? I woke up with you white as a ghost, and two police officers behind you. You said they were here for images of children! The first thing I said was, “The house is a mess!”

I got up to find a policewoman playing Top Trumps with our eldest.

They searched the house and took away phones, tablets, computers.

Do you remember looking me in the eyes? Saying this wasn’t you?

I knew it wasn’t me. Do you remember the police officer saying it could just be a virus on the computer?

They told us to support each other – it could be nothing; it would take 12 months to look through the devices. I thought it was a mistake. Turned out it wasn’t, was it? You woke me up three days after the raid, telling me you’d been looking at images of children. I told you to leave and put your keys on the table. You left, broken, crying.

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I wasn’t able to get the kids ready for school. I rang my mum, sobbing. She took them while I rang the police and social services, the school and playgroup. I gave statement after statement. You were arrested.

Then the police told me they found videos of my girls on your phone. They had to ring an ambulance for me: I couldn’t breathe. I’ve never felt pain like it – knowing you had taken away my girls’ innocence. You shared the videos of them to paedophiles all around the world. My girls are frozen in time on the internet for vile creatures to watch and get kicks out of. That thought haunts me.

I stood up in court against you – I felt like a lioness protecting my cubs. But the truth of the matter is I’m broken, and the only reason I’m getting up every day is because my girls need me. They need to be protected from horrific, vile, inhumane human beings like you.

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