FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally. “When we heard the good news, we just knew we had to treat Joe to one of his absolute favorites,” said Arpaio’s wife Ava, who added that the family had made sure to feed only rotten and contaminated food items to the apprehended individual while he was held in a small room in their basement where the temperatures regularly exceeded 100 degrees, explaining that the special little touches were “just the way Joe likes it.” “If we had the time, we would have rounded up a few more Latinos who were driving around the area to make it a real tightly packed party down there, but the president’s pardon was just so fast and unexpected we had to move quickly. Regardless, I just know Joe’s face will light up when he sees that Mexican guy being kept there indefinitely. He’s going to be so excited!” At press time, the family was attempting to rouse the weakened and malnourished detainee to have him join them in shouting “surprise!”

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