It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s take a look at some new releases!

Twice – Fake & True

Twice’s Japanese releases are back to being rubbish again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Lim Kim – Yellow

This sounds completely different to anything and everything, but it’s not something really worth experiencing either, kind of like if an alien did a shit on your doorstep you might say “gosh that’s different” but you wouldn’t bend down with cutlery and eat it unless you had taken some serious drugs just beforehand.

BTS ft. Lauv – Make It Right

The main difference between AustralianSana and me fan-wise, for those lurkers paying attention, is that AustralianSana is actually a BTS fan and likes a bunch of their songs, whereas I think BTS haven’t had a good song since 2014 and this maudlin emotionally manipulative lullaby nonsense doesn’t change that. However unlike the pathetic garbage-brain losing-at-life ARMYs who have been gaslighting and bullying AustralianSana en masse because they can’t handle her erudite success or any difference in opinion from the hive-mind, I’m not about to try and tell her what to think.

TVXQ! – Guilty

Guilty of being average.

N.Flying – Good Bam

Average-bam.

Monsta X – Someone’s Someone

Why are Monsta X singing all in English now, do they really think that’s going to pay a dividend for them. Not that I personally give any fucks what language something is sung in, but I always thought that the “Korean-ness” of Korean pop was something of a drawcard for folks at the moment. But maybe I’m wrong and it’s just Wonho’s abs.

Super Junior – Super Clap

So the title might sound like a new strain of STD and there’s not a lot of melody here but at least it’s upbeat and fun. I could probably watch a whole fancam of just Shindong playing Dance Dance Revolution.

1THE9 – Blah

The song sounds like it’s about to take off at a cracking pace, but they weirdly choose to half-time it all the way though. Blah indeed.

Lim Hyunsik – Dear Love

Song is a kind of half-successful attempt at an epic 80’s style power ballad, but decking out your recording studio like it’s a spaceship cockpit is a great idea that is 100% success and more studios should do that.

Stephanie Poetri & Jackson Wang – I Love You 3000 II

I guess this is Jackson’s love song for the 3000 lawyers who protested against Hong Kong’s China extradition bill. Glad to see that he’s come around to a more mature way of thinking about democracy.

Joji & Jackson Wang ft. Swae Lee & Major Lazer – Walking

The crappy American collabs sure are thick on the ground this week.

Wengie ft. Minnie – Empire

Really now. Come on people, what is this.

Surl – Dry Flower

Compared to most of what else is on offer this week, it’s pretty good.

Ji Young Hoon – Chinchilla

Yeah I’m not that excited.

Lyn (with George) – Farewell

Lyn is always terrible, I should have saved myself the click. So should you.

Fly To The Sky – Thank You For Being My Part Of Life

Same here. Was there ever a time when this group didn’t suck during their very long career, if so I don’t remember it.

Don Marco ft. Suah – Dámelo

Terrible music sure, but thicc girls in k-pop videos is a welcome change.

Heng – Punch Drunk Love

Even the dog looks bored.

Bumkey – October Sky

One of those songs that you know is going to be garbage right from the very first note.

Haeun – Honkono

More midnight karaoke warbling, the sort of creepy song people like Seungri sing to girls they’ve just met at a bar while waiting for the drugs to kick in.

EOS – Stardust Memory

One of the worst videos ever created. Who honestly looked at this and thought “yeah that stretched-out dolphin looks great”?

Morethan7 – Collage

I feel sorry for the girl in the video who definitely has that “roped in on behalf of a friend” appearance. Imagine appearing in such a waste of time and not even getting paid.

Migyo – If I Were You

What is it with green fields and boring music.

Knave – Cloudy

Why is he standing on a lump of coal, is this the new version of blackface?

Park Da Hye – Understand

Another typical ballad where the girl does her best to pop a vein in her neck while singing. Just chill out, woman. Maybe ease back in that chair a bit… oh it’s got a hard wooden back and is probably really uncomfortable, never mind then.

Kim Eun Bi ft. LoF! – Damage

Some different backings are worth a listen but all the vocals are just that boring rambling shit everybody does.

Junghan – Beach Road

Really one of those songs that it’s just best ignoring, I nearly didn’t even put this one here but just sort of left it in by accident, I should have trusted my gut.

Cando – An Empty Night

IT’S A GUITAR YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY IT AND ROCK OUT, NOT SING IT A LOVE SONG ABOUT HOW YOU HAD A WANK LAST NIGHT YOU DICKHEAD

Gem I – INNout

I’m sorry but Nine Muses paved the way for puking in toilets during Korean pop music videos. Oh and it’s not k-pop it’s Nine-Muses-pop thank you.

J Bel – Idealistic Real

Great guitar sounds, what a pity that there isn’t really a song here.

BeautyHandsome – My Time

There’s a ton of bands in my town who sound exactly like this and they all suck.

Slow Steady – After A Long Day

It’s sure been a long day of writing the reviews for all this shit.

Platform Stereo – Black Pine

These guys I think actually had an alright song last week… this week they don’t though.

Rainbow Note – Beautiful Night

Rainbow Note make terrible sub-Spice Girls 90s hand-waving bullshit music with crappy videos to match. There’s a reason why I’ve been ignoring them up until now.

Lee Seung Hwan – I’m Always You

I’m always me too. Hey what a coincidence!

Artist P – Overtake

They try and carry the whole thing with Autotuned vocals and a bit of guitar, can’t fault their ambition I guess, but it’s as dreadful as it sounds in theory.

Hodoo – Hide-And-Seek

A really painful R&B/reggae hybrid, with tons of Autotune of course. Make it stop.

Seogy, Ondo – Pin Number

More trash.

Gond – Drunk On You

An interesting vocal tone is the only thing that sets this one apart, it’s just the usual crap otherwise.

TOTALLY INTERESTING TRANSPORT SECTION

MuzGrain – A Leaving Girl

Trains are boring and so is this song.

MuzGrain – Bicycle Strolling

Their other song mixes some sideways-scrolling train window action with some first-person car action. It’s getting hot and heavy in here folks!

Crucial Star – Work To Do

Don’t Koreans realise that when we see their traffic we just recoil in fear? It’s not the time to be relaxing with an acoustic slow song. You need to be listening to Slayer or something to cope with that shit.

Gong So Won – Love Whistle

I thought whistling at girls on the tram was supposed to be politically incorrect bad behaviour these days, not the sort of thing you write epic love ballads over. I feel discriminated against however because I’ve never been able to wolf-whistle correctly. Boy as a sexist horny turd of a 13 year old I was devastated to find that out.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

f(x) – Electric Shock – live at MNet

It’s a little known fact that f(x)’s “Electric Shock” was one of the first genuine “organic worldwide hits” of k-pop, and made a huge dent in the global pop psyche pre-Gangnam Style’s viral fame. I was watching the iTunes charts closely at around the time Electric Shock was released, and was astonished to see this song climb to #1 in nearly 50 countries simultaneously. The YouTube reach was huge too, with the song’s traffic extending to almost all parts of the world at a time when global k-pop recognition and sharing wasn’t as common as it is now (this was back in the days when YouTube actually used to give channel visitors decent demographic information). Anyway check out this wacky outdoor stage that makes little sense, and where Sulli as usual does nearly nothing musically or choreography-wise and towers over the rest of the group awkwardly but still easily outshines everyone for sheer visuals and charm. In a way, she’s the obvious bullying target, that girl who is effortlessly so much prettier and more charismatic than everyone around her and didn’t give a fuck – so if you feel a bit helpless and lost due to her suicide, remember that you can help by standing up to bullies online and supporting your cyberbullied friends. People who hate on success just do it because they fail at life and it’s a means to try and grab back some vague sense of control. Fandom is a mental illness, approaching life with Sulli’s attitude is the cure. Just don’t forget to also get support if you need it because not everybody has the strength to do it alone against the hate-mob and it’s okay to ask for help.

That’s all for this week – Kpopalypse roundup returns next week!