NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said researcher Dr. Lenora Welks, adding that when all is said and done, learning how to get off the ground and stay there was a heck of a tough nut to crack, and you really needed to give it up for the furry little guys. “Sure, you might argue that bats already have the advantage of wings. You might even say that bats aren’t much to look at. But no matter how you slice it, flying is nothing to sneeze at. Especially when most of the other bullshit mammals are just crawling around in the dirt.” The zoologists, however, acknowledged that you really couldn’t come down too hard on skipjack tuna for not figuring out a way to fly, all things considered.

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