The internet is washing its hands in scalding hot water over and over a thousand times today, following a very detailed report that a sex tape featuring "a large dildo," "a gag ball" "a slapper paddle," and the slapper paddle known as Joe Jonas is about to surface online.

The tape allegedly stars Jonas and his Swiss model girlfriend who is real and exists, Blanda Eggenschwiler. It was supposedly filmed earlier this very month in Argentina.

BlindGossip reports that the tape was initially slated for release on April 3rd but could now hit the web as early as tomorrow.

And it (allegedly) gets real freaky deaky real fast.

Here is their hilarious description of the video, which allegedly opens with Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler smoking pot in bed:

They proceed to engage in multiple sex acts utilizing a variety of sex toys, including a large dildo, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle. Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries "Owww! Don't do that anymore!" Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she inserts the dildo inside of herself, orders Joe to "lick my p**** juice off of it," and he complies.

Once again, that was:

Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries "Owww! Don't do that anymore!"

Is this not the realist fanfiction that ever existed?

Joe Jonas was confused by the sex toys and did not enjoy himself.

If you're 14 and it's 2005, the tape reportedly contains lots of goodies to titillate you, like "multiple close-up shots of Joe's face, penis and testicles."

Blanda Eggenschwiler's fun stuff is also rumored to be on display, probably as Jonas swats it away, screaming "Ech blegh gross, get that away! I thought you wanted to watch YouTubes."

We'll keep you posted if the wretched thing ever surfaces. Jonas' people are already saying it doesn't exist.

[Blind Gossip // Image via WENN.com]