Per the terms of the EDSBS Charity Drive, we are obligated to present Alternate Universe Hatin' Ass Spurrier, a Michigan partisan who hates on the non-Wolverine Big Ten and beyond. Money may not buy happiness, Michigan fans, but it can sure as hell buy hate.

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The Little Brown Jug is the perfect trophy for a rival who did all its best work during Glenn Miller's heyday.

If Michigan State's the little brother, why didn't he use his family connections to get into a better school?

Jerry Kill's been great for that program, and his name reminds you that nobody wants to fuck or marry a Minnesotan.

It's a good idea to play Minnesota football in the cold. You don't wanna smell any of that when it warms up and gets ripe.

Gophers are fat hoarders who can't run, so that much feels right, though.

They've turned that talent level around. Before 2013, the last team to draft a Minnesota football player was "The Marines".

Notre Dame players hit that "Play Like A Champion Today" sign, and dang if they don't look like a ten dollar sweatshirt you got in 1993.

Don't think Michigan fans should be torn up about the Notre Dame rivalry ending. If they want to play a religious school that goes .500 against USC, Boston College is free.

Rudy and The Lego Movie are basically the same story, except nobody pretends The Lego Movie is a documentary.

I'm gonna give Notre Dame some credit: they did beat a bunch of tigers to death in Nashville. So did my Uncle Pistol back in '52, of course, but he never bragged about it.

Andy Katzenmoyer's never been asked to dot the I because he'd need a map.

It must've killed Woody Hayes to know he'd be remembered for throwing something, not running.

If Urban Meyer wants to coach somewhere with three non-NFL grade quarterbacks and leave a toxic mess where no one will notice, the Cleveland Browns are ready when he is.

Hey, if Gene Chizik could defeat Oregon in a national title game, it has to be really hard to do, Ohio State.

If defeating Alabama meant you deserved a playoff spot then obesity gets an automatic three seed at least.

I mean, Urban Meyer's not the first person to go from Florida to Ohio to get more crystal.

It's cool that the most popular baby name for boys in Ohio is Cardale, followed up by "NoXplode" and "Ted 2 On DVD Coming Out September 14th."

Illinois's so sad "My Girl" watches them when it wants a good cry.

Maryland brings a lot to the Big Ten, like basketball and pubic lice.

The Terp's a fine mascot since it lays eggs and sleeps through most of the fall.

I'm joking, Maryland's not all bad. They remind me a lot of an SEC fanbase. Mostly the racial slurs, but other things, too.

Don't know why Rutgers brags about being the birthplace of college football. The manger in Bethlehem ain't won any bowl games.

And why's it plural? There's one Rutger, and that's Hauer, and it he ain't good enough for you then we can't be friends.

If Penn State's Linebacker U, how come Kerry Collins got a Masters in Gin?

Penn State's like Afghanistan: lotta arguing about statues and damn if the federal government knows what to do with it.

I'd guess any valley with electricity is a pretty happy one in Pennsylvania, relatively speaking.

Wisconsin's got 1848 on their flag because it represents the number of miles a coach instantly wants to put between themselves and that job.

Wisconsin's got a med school, so coaching with Barry Alvarez's hand up your ass could just be part of the proctology curriculum.

They call it Camp Randall because the officers sleep in tents and might ship out at a moment's notice.

I'd say their coaches jump around a bit.

Michigan State's proof the Big Ten even has to recruit the south for their rappers.

The Spartans are doing real well right now. Historically speaking, that run'll end with them going two thousand years without making another bowl game.

Good for Jake Rudock. Proves Iowa's capable of a transfer that doesn't go to Kirk Ferentz's bank account.

Get Kirk Ferentz's name out of your mouth, especially if you plan on operating a vehicle in the next 12-16 hours. Drowsy drivin' ain't safe drivin'.

Kirk Ferentz is an NFL-style coach. Shouldn't be surprised when he tries to tank for the top pick in the draft in November.

Condemned strays at animal shelters pay celebrities to make commercials to get Purdue football adopted.

Have you or a loved one been hurt in a workplace accident? Is one of your loved ones a workplace accident? Are you related to Tim Beckman? That's what we're asking here.

Ross-Ade must be the worst sports beverage on the planet.

Ross-Ade Stadium doesn't have lights because Purdue football's a black hole.

Daddy said "you can't lead a horse to water, but you can lead a worse to otter." That was Daddy's way of saying you should feed Kevin Wilson to river critters, I think.

Think Indiana'd notice if Tom Crean and Kevin Wilson switched jobs for a year? Think anyone'd care?

Hitchcock never released North by Northwestern, the sequel where the crop duster fumbles twice and only scores two field goals.

Northwestern, if you were any more of a purple bit player you'd be Grimace.

Yeah you got a journalism program, Northwestern, but you don't hear Arkansas bragging about their telegraph operator program, do you?

I'm sorry about that. Seth Meyers and Darren Rovell went there, so it looks like y'all do turn out some brilliant thinkers up there.

I'd say they deserve what they get for firing a nine and ten win coach like Bo Pelini, but Nebraska touches Missouri and Kansas 24 hours a day, every day of its existence. They've already got more than they deserve.

You got a nicer blackjack dealer, Nebraska, but "recruiting to Lincoln" is the 16 that won't go away.

What do Nebraska football and bad husbands both have in common? Even at their best, they both go down four times a year.

Of course the SEC hates satellite camps. Space travel is the devil's rollercoaster.