Being at that prime time in life when my circle of friends and I are all rapidly approaching the big 3-0, the ever-famous Glamour article on 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Know by 30 was repeatedly showing up in my Facebook feed.

Whether it was the fact that that day happened to mark the end of the ‘last month before the last month of my twenties’ (welcome to the female mind where we actually do think like that…) or the train delay as I made my way to Queens (seriously, need to stop going there), I can’t say. But, the fact remains that I chose to kill some time and finally read this article that was drawing so much attention.

Rest assured, I’m not going to go number by number and pick these 30 apart, but let me state that the opening number arose my suspicion. According to number one on the list, I had one month left to think of:

‘One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.’

Now, this isn’t my first time at the rodeo and I’ve had my share of exes–good and bad. Most make me look at my husband and appreciate him even more, as well as appreciate my personal growth even more for choosing the ‘good guy’. But does the fact that I don’t have a single ex I ‘can imagine going back to’ mean I haven’t ‘succeeded’ in my personal growth into being a full-fledged adult?

OK, so I had one thing missing from being a ‘complete’ 30 year old…I continued down the list…

Three more in, I had to take a break.

#4: [You should own] a purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying

Well, the umbrella I currently own is from a pile of stuff that got mixed together between old roommates. It’s bright pink and white with flowers on it. I’m not even sure who it belongs to and I’m embarrassed to even carry it around the middle school kids I teach, let alone bring it into a potential financial sponsor meeting. But, sorry Glamour, that’s one more reason I carry that umbrella:

I. Don’t. Care.

If I can’t laugh and make a joke to a colleague about how ridiculous my umbrella is,

I’m probably taking myself too seriously.

I do understand the bigger picture they’re trying to get across in this list: whether it’s exes, our childhood or the adult accessories we carry, build your future from your future, not your past and think and act like an adult. Noted and agreed.

But here’s my point:

In life, we learn from our past and we learn from our unique personal experiences. We all have sensitive points we develop based on that past.

If you were in a household with a lot of yelling, you probably cringe when you hear people raising their voices to one another. If you come from a past where you couldn’t trust someone, a red flag probably goes up at the slightest stretched truth.

Like a lot of young women (and especially, from my experience, musicians), I came from a past of ‘shoulding all over myself’.

I was constantly telling myself internally what I ‘should be doing’ or ‘should have done’ or, worse, ‘should have known’.

Anytime I did anything but practice my instrument, it consumed me that I ‘should be practicing’. Anytime I didn’t know how to do something, I beat myself up that I ‘should already know that’ (perhaps the worst one, as it stops you from asking which, I believe, is the single most useful tool in life). It took a good couple of years of reading, relaxing and positive mental changes to get to a place where I stopped ‘shoulding all over myself’ and learned that there’s nothing I ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be doing–it’s all dependent on what I want to do, what would benefit me or the situation in the long run and what my gut is telling me to do. As my best friend told me in my days of not wanting to talk about feelings: ‘There’s no right or wrong, there’s only what you feel’ (amazing, right?! Love that girl).

So, life goals? Yes. Giving yourself a deadline to aim for goals? Good idea. Build your future off your future? Fantastic. Pigeonhole every woman into what she ‘needs to do’ before 30? <cue game show ‘wrong answer’ buzzer> You may as well follow that one with ‘Add unneeded anxiety to a demographic that’s the last one to need it? Guaranteed’.

SO, as a polite and respectful rebuttal, I’d like to offer up my own list.

This is not a list of things one must accomplish to be deemed successful by 30, but rather a list of life lessons I’ve personally learned in the past 29.9998 years (which, at times, has felt like living 50 years of life…as I said, not my first time at the rodeo) that might be beneficial to some to hear out loud, if only to validate what your gut may have already told you…

10 Things That May Be Useful In Life…Whenever You’re Ready For Them

1. (No surprises here) Stop shoulding all over yourself

There’s nothing you should be doing. There are things that will help. There are things that you could do, if you choose to. Listen to your gut and do what you know is best.

2. Listen to your gut

I can just hear my mom grinning the grin of irony. This is one of those lessons you’re told since childhood but is SO much easier said than done. It’s a cliché for a reason…that funny feeling you get? It’s right. Listen to it.

3. A.S.K.

You would not believe the number of things I’ve gotten/accomplished by simply asking. 9 times out of 10 when I tell someone about an opportunity coming up and they ask, ‘How’d you pull that off?’, the answer is, ‘I asked’. Want a meeting with that executive? Ask. Want to pick someone’s brain but can’t afford a session with them? Ask. (Seriously, buying someone a cup of coffee is the best $2.50 you’ll ever spend if it’s the right person.) Ask.Ask.Ask. The absolute worst that happens is they say no. In that case, you’re in the same exact position you were in before you asked.



4. If you don’t know, it doesn’t matter

I don’t know where this comes from, but, for some reason, we seem to think we’re supposed (should?-there’s that word again) to know everything about everything already. I’ll break the ice: I barely know anything about anything. The good news is, there’s an easy fix. The magic solution? See #3.

5. Nobody really cares

Wow, so much for soft and cuddly. Before you slip into a deep depression, allow me to explain: People care about you. They love you. They want what’s best for you. In the grand scheme of life, however, if you ask an obvious question in class, have a business that flops, if you (heaven forbid) fall down on the runway (sorry, that’s still hilarious to me whenever I see videos of this happening), nobody cares. Embarrassment is temporary. The lessons you learn from failing or falling (ie humans were not designed to wear 6 inch heels) are well worth the momentary discomfort.

6. Live ‘As If’

Most of us spend a lot of time thinking about how we want our lives to be ‘one of these days’. Here’s an amazing fact about the human brain: It can’t survive in a world of discombobulation. If you spend your days picturing every single detail of how you want your life to be, your brain will not be ok with the fact that the outward life it’s experiencing doesn’t match this imaginary world, and it will subconsciously find ways to bring you to that new world. If you think and live ‘as if’–think, dress, act, speak, believe that you already have that life you’re envisioning–you will.

7. You can be independent and still need people

I come from a line of very strong individuals and the word ‘independent’ was a common one in our household growing up. Marrying rich and being taken care of were not written in my stars, nor would I want them to be. However, when I was younger, I mistook this concept of independence to mean I didn’t need to rely on anyone. It meant not talking openly about my feelings, not showing too much emotion and not asking when I needed help. What a weak way to live life. You can be the strongest woman in the world and you’re still gonna need to cry on someone’s shoulder now and then. Whether it’s a spouse that supports you or a best friend that’s always got your back…leaning on others when you need to only makes you stronger.

8. It’s a good idea to be nice and do nice things

Not much else to say about this one. People, I believe, are inherently good. Sometimes we get selfish. Sometimes we’re so busy we put our head down and plow through without thinking of how it affects those around us. Good thing to remember? Be nice and help others-it makes them feel good, it makes you feel good. That’s what we call a win-win.



9. Everyone’s busy

While it’s great to be open and honest, the default ‘I’m so busy’ answer when asked how you are gets lame after a while. We’re all busy-it’s called being an adult. Yes, sometimes we need to vent to family and friends when we’re super busy, but be conscious about it being your default answer.

10. There is no right or wrong, only what you feel

OK, some things are clearly wrong. It’s not advisable to go punch your neighbor in the face because of his barking dog simply because that’s how you felt. My intention is to say stop thinking there are life rules you’re ‘supposed’ to be following. There is no age you need to accomplish things by, there’s no standard for what a successful life means, there’s no correct way to do things, to live your life or to carry yourself. Your gut knows who you are, where you can go and, most importantly, how to get there. You don’t need a pop culture magazine to tell you what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do by a certain age. You know what you want and you know where you want to be. Believe it or not, if you listen to your gut, you also already know how to get there.

