No one ever said dancing with the devil only lasts for one song.

We’re two months into a new year (and decade) of cinema, and yet I have been thinking a lot recently about sequels. And I think it’s because of five key reasons:

A trailer dropped for the ninth Fast and Furious film last week. The Top Gun sequel is actually happening and is being released this year. There’s supposedly a fifth Lethal Weapon film in development, despite the fact It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia beat them to the punch. Apparently a sequel to Baby Driver is in the works, and for the life of me I cannot work out why. The awards season hype makes speculation about a Joker sequel increasingly concerning.

Now I don’t have an issue with sequels, in fact I’m in the process of writing a follow up piece about how I actually quite like them, but the ones I take issue with are those that are unnecessary. If the story is completed in one instalment, if the filmmaker said everything they wanted to say and told the exact story they wanted to, then there’s not really much need to continue adding to it. The obvious, and somewhat cynical reason why Hollywood is a fond of sequels is money. Sometimes it feels like sequels are carelessly made for the purpose of generating money with absolutely no concern for the quality of storytelling or what impact a sequel may have on the legacy of the original. There’s a clear distinction between sequels which naturally allow for story progression (so predominantly those that were originally planned to be told across a number of instalments), and those that are tacked on in a forceful and thoughtless manner, like trying to cram extra pieces to a completed jigsaw. And there is absolutely an argument for audiences wanting sequels and wanting more of the same, but this does somewhat reinforce the idea among Hollywood executives that lazily reusing the same formula is a guaranteed way of hitting big box office figures. Unfortunately, they’re correct.

With the sheer amount of sequels we’ve seen in recent years, and the overwhelming amount on the horizon, it’s made me think any film could receive a sequel. If Hollywood was determined enough they could make a sequel for anything. And I’m here to prove it. In the spirit of Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian, Superman Lives and all of the other sequels never made, I’ve written some garbage pitches for sequels that are 100% unnecessary. It’s worth mentioning there will be spoilers ahead for the original films listed, so I apologise in advance. Aside from that, enjoy.

Original: Annie Hall (1977)

Sequel: Annie Hall Strikes Back — After Alvy’s play based on his relationship with Annie becomes a hit, Annie is enraged. He’s humiliated her and used their deeply personal experiences to create cheap entertainment, and she’s going to do something about it. She rides into LA on horseback with two shotguns and one thing on her mind: getting even. Strap in for the revenge story of a lifetime that turns a romantic comedy into an all-out shooting spree. Not a single person will be left standing after Annie is done with them. The sky above LA will be set ablaze, blood will run in the streets, but there will sadly still be enough time for Woody Allen to pontificate before the final bullet reaches him.

Original: Inception (2010)

Sequel: Inception 2.0: Maximum Dreaming — Opening credits. Fade to the ending of the first film. Cobb’s totem is still spinning. In comes Jester, the family cat, who paws at the totem and causes it to ricochet across the room and under a cabinet before the audience can see if it lands. And who the fuck even cares? Because with a director like Michael Bay at the helm, who has time to sit around and think about shit? The audience will go from having their minds tested, to having every sense obliterated by explosions and up skirt shots. Couldn’t understand the first movie? Good luck understanding the sequel! Because if you haven’t had a heart attack by the third act, you’ll be ripping your eyes out instead. There’s going to be one explosion for every minute of screen time. Not even Jester the cat is safe! You wanted to see if the totem is going to land? BOOM! Too late! You wanted to see if Tom Hardy returns for the sequel? BOOM! Not a chance. I’m sure there’s a story in there somewhere. Maybe. Probably something to do with Leo’s kids, or travelling to the centre of the planet in a truck to wipe out the dinosaur queen before the eggs hatch, it doesn’t really matter. The point is, explosions. Lots and lots of explosions. And you may be wondering how the characters are going to dream in this sequel, because surely will all the explosions none of them will be able to sleep. You know what I say to that? Shut up.

Original: Blue Velvet (1986)

Sequel: Red Velvet — Jeffrey and Sandy have been living a happy life for a number of years now, having moved on from the events of the past and started a family. That is until Frank’s estranged brother Freddie, played by acclaimed thespian Danny Dyer, arrives from London looking to avenge his brother’s death. What follows is a colour-by-numbers thriller that really doesn’t have a story to tell, but will give a vague attempt at times. You watched Dennis Hopper turn in the performance of his career with the deranged Frank, well now watch Danny Dyer give a performance that makes his tenure on Eastenders look like Robert De Niro. You were haunted by Dennis Hopper’s complex and ambiguous response to Roy Orbison’s ‘In Dreams’, well get ready for the next level. This film will show Danny Dyer’s Freddie lip syncing, grinding and awkwardly dancing to Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda ’, in a performance that critics and fans will adore. This may be a different tone from the original, but with more gunshots and car chases we’re guaranteed an audience, right?

Original: 13 going on 30 (2004)

Sequel: 13 Going on Forever — Jenna has everything. She’s settled down with Matt in her dream house, she’s got the job she’s always wanted, but as she reaches the age of 43, their 13 year old daughter finds herself in an existential crisis. In a set up that will be all too familiar, their daughter finds herself wishing to be aged 30. Intent on showing their child that wishing their life away isn’t the key to happiness, the couple decide to give their daughter a crash course in wish fulfilment the only way they know how: magic wishing dust. What follows is a crazy journey through the past, present and future, in a coked out reality bending experience that is no way near as clever as it needs to be. Are they sprinkling the wishing dust or snorting it? We’ll never know! But after two hours of WTF time travel, the story culminates in the family searching for/ finding the source of the magic wishing dust: the wizard Merlin. Played by Nicolas Cage.

Original: Baby Driver (2017)

Sequel: Baby Driver the Sequel: The Second One— Opening credits. Fade to a shot of Baby and Debora cruising down a scenic highway with ‘We Are the Champions’ playing softly. A mobile phone on the dashboard rings. Baby screeches the car to a halt, and answers the phone. “Did you think you were done?” says a familiar voice. “Doc?” he replies, confused as everybody in the audience. While this may be Kevin Spacey’s voice, it is in fact Doc’s twin brother who is in town to pick things up from where they left off. What follows is a basic plot that covers the main points of the previous film, but does so with less of a creative flare. Baby wants to leave, Baby can’t leave, heist job one, planning a heist, heist job two, Deborah is in danger etc. You know the details don’t really matter, what I’m going for here is a film that costs twice as much and is half as good. All sense of style and substance will be thrown out of the window, because the main focus will be making this film just barely watchable. What will matter most is the trailer. As long as I can figure out how to make a flashy trailer, what happens to the audience while they’re in the screening is really their own problem by that point. As soon as their money is in my pocket, they’re dead to me. Until it comes time to promoting Baby Driver 3….

Original: Mrs Doubtfire (1993)

Sequel: Mrs Doubtfire 2: Trouble in Tokyo— After an unsuccessful TV career that’s cut short when his show isn’t renewed for a second season, voice actor David Hillard (now played by the nearest alternative to Robin Williams: Will Smith) can go back to building his family relationships. That is until the CIA show up on his doorstep. And it’s not just David Hillard they’re after. Seeing the potential for Mrs Doubtfire to be utilised as the perfect cover story, the CIA is sending them across the globe to take out organised crime. Mrs Doubtfire will be taking on deadly criminals by night, and by day will pose as the housekeeper for a wealthy tech CEO who doesn’t have time for his family. Triumphing over the struggles of leading a split life, Mrs Doubtfire will teach the family about the love they had all along, whilst kicking some serious butt on the streets of Tokyo.

Original: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Sequel: Bucket vs Wonka — A chocolate factory. A lifetime supply of chocolate. A loving family. The world’s nicest boss. Charlie Bucket really has it all. Until it turns out the prize he’s received isn’t all it was made out to be. He’s fallen into a simple marketing strategy designed to make more people buy Wonka Bars, and in reality will be receiving an incredibly diluted share of the company. Or so Mr Wonka thinks. Get ready for a three and a half hour court room drama that swaps the whimsy of the original for razor sharp dialogue and accurate depictions of a trial. It will be back and forth with twists and turns as the case unravels and the once great friendship between Wonka and Charlie Bucket is ripped wide open like an autopsy. The real curve ball will come in the third act. When it looks like Wonka has Charlie against the ropes, Charlie makes the ballsy move to go for the jugular by accusing Wonka of deliberately endangering the lives of the children who visited the factory. Turn the legal drama dial up to eleven and watch Wonka squirm as he faces multiple allegations for causing harm to minors with malicious intent. Sure it would have been easy to adapt the great glass elevator story for the sequel, but what I’m pushing for here is some awards buzz. If we tone down the whimsy, crank up the sincerity and ask Johnny Depp to really try I think this could end up with a couple of nominations.

Original: Forrest Gump (1994)

Sequel: #Gump— If you thought Forrest’s story was over, you thought wrong. This film sees him battle through the 1990s, 2000s and into the 2010s. Through the ecstasy rave scene, the rise of social media, all the way to Trump’s presidency, this film will continue the legacy of Forrest Gump in the best way possible. You know that cute gimmick we saw in the first film where Forrest is inserted into moments of history with famous figures? Well we’re doing that again! Watch as the nightmare image of Trump and Gump becomes even harder to swallow as their friendship grows and the audience realises that Trump is a full supporting character in this film. And speaking of reusing gimmicks, there’s sure to be a heck of a lot of running too, as Forrest becomes an internet phenomenon known simply as #Gump. As he’s running around America innocently wearing a “make America great again” hat you’ll see #Gump become one of the key influencing figures in the campaign that resulted in President Donald Trump. So there’s a “happy ending” for any racist pieces of shit in the audience. Now throughout the film you may be asking just how has Forrest Gump stayed so young and healthy this whole time? How can he run for such an unholy amount of time without needing adequate rest and sustenance? How the fuck can be friends with a vacuous and insensitive tumour like Donald Trump? Well that’s between him and a little known wizard called Merlin, who may very well be played by Nicolas Cage (pending a successful audition).

Original: Titanic (1997)

Sequel: Titanic 2049— You know the drill. It’s the future, and despite global warming’s best efforts, the iceberg that sank the Titanic is still standing. It’s taunting us. It makes a mockery of the human race’s fondness for shit that doesn’t break. And it’s time to take it down. So in the spirit of mediocre Godzilla and King Kong movies, a team consisting of hot heated marines, disposable side characters, singers looking to branch out into acting, and scientists that no one listens to, will sail out to settle unfinished business. And as if written by the fates, the new and improved Titanic suffers the same fate. So as the ship begins to sink, the crew have got just a few short hours to find a way to survive, and take down that son of a bitch iceberg for good. This is The Rock and John Cena at the height of their powers, battling time itself, and settling one of history’s biggest beefs. You want to see raw emotional intensity like the first Titanic? Well how about The Rock, John Cena and Ed Sheeran screaming Point Break style whist firing flamethrowers at a giant iceberg voiced by Sir Anthony Hopkins? Form an orderly queue, and prepare to be blown away.

Original: Groundhog Day (1993)

Sequel: The Secrets of Groundhog Day — Phil Connors is back, and Bill Murray will be returning to the role. But this is not another comedy. Set in the modern age, Phil Connors has spent the latter years of his life dedicated to finding out why he became trapped and doomed to experience the same day over and over. And more importantly how did he escape? He wants to know everything. He wants to know how he can break time again and escape from modern existence, where everyone being glued to their phones has caused him to feel like every day is exactly the same. Each day Phil has to discover as much as he can before his alarm clock hits 6am and he realises another day has been wasted. It’s going to be intense, and we’re going to see Bill Murray give his best performance in years through what can only be described as a two hour mental breakdown. Much like Al Pacino in Insomnia, Phil has no idea how long he’s been awake and is starting to lose a grip of the facts. All he knows is that he’s taking the scraps of paper that constitute his life’s work and heading off into the mountains in search of answers. And answers he will get. By the end of the movie Phil finally finds the source of the time loop he was caught in, who also happens to be the one man capable of sharing with him the secrets of time manipulation: the wizard Merlin. Played by Nicolas Cage.

Original: Matilda (1996)

Sequel: Matilda and the Lords of Darkness — So you thought the first film had the perfect happy ending, right? Wrong. Picture this. Opening credits. Fade to a blood-soaked battlefield littered with bodies. Through the fog we see an adult Matilda in full battle armour, clutching a bloody arm wound. She spits a mouthful of blood onto the floor and rips out the arrow protruding from her shoulder, before looking out into the open battlefield. Complete silence. Until the faint sound of footsteps, and what sounds like a large engine. From the left approaches Miss Trunchbull (who is now a Minotaur) brandishing a large sword and Bruce Bogtrotter’s severed head. From the right approaches Danny DeVito’s Mr Wormwood in a full scale replica of a Mad Max: Fury Road vehicle, made from the scraps of used cars. By this point you’ll be thinking “what the fuck is going on?!” Well don’t worry, over the next four hours we’ll find out together. We’ll tell the whole story. The school being burned to the ground by witches, the death of Miss Honey at the hands of a renegade sniper, Matilda unlocking Doctor Strange level powers, how the newt grew to the size of a dragon and became a warlord selling firearms to the enemy etc. None of it is going to make sense to be perfectly honest but you’ll want to stick around for the finale, as Matilda vanquishes her nemesis and becomes the lord of all magic! Her nemesis is Merlin played by Nicolas Cage by the way. So yeah. Spells and shit. Fuck you Harry Potter.

So there you have it. A list of sequels that could easily be made at any moment. If there is anyone out there who has contacts in Hollywood then please feel free to pass this on to them, and inform them I’d be happy to talk at their earliest convenience. Also if anyone has Nicolas Cage’s number I’ve got several projects he might be interested in that each require virtually the same level of preparation.

Ironically I am planning a sequel to this blog post where I explore more sequel pitches, so if there’s a film you’d like me to write a sequel pitch for then leave a comment or contact me on social media. Likewise I’m interested to see how many of these sequels people would actually like to see so drop a comment below.