WASHINGTON—Following reports that incendiary devices had been sent to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and George Soros, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer expressed relief Wednesday that he has never taken a stance meaningful enough to inspire someone to mail him an explosive. “Phew, this is where constantly equivocating and avoiding any issue that’s even remotely controversial really pays off,” said Schumer (D-NY), adding that he was thankful his persistent lack of political courage had all but guaranteed no one would ever be angry enough with him to “do something crazy or violent.” “I really dodged a bullet there! Hopefully if I just keep my head down and stay focused on tacitly supporting the status quo, I’ll keep out of the line of fire.” At press time, Schumer had issued a tepid statement urging Americans to consider all sides in the matter.

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