Being a (happy, healthy, successful) loner

As you get older, it seems like you are connecting with people less frequently and less easily. You often recall how simple it seemed to befriend and interact with people when you were younger, maybe even until just recently. You worry that something is wrong with you, that you’re just a misfit, and this makes you sad the more you dwell on it. You enjoy being alone but somehow you are lonely. What can you do?

Relax, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you: you are most likely just an introverted personality, like some people are naturally outgoing, shy, funny or stoic. I don’t like to use the term “introvert” because it feels too much like labeling yourself as something that undermines many different facets of your personality that do not have anything to do with your need for alone time. Introversion is a trait that doesn’t really show itself until you’re a teenager and are coming into your own person, and it’s not something that you can consciously become or avoid- but like any other engrained natural personality trait, it does not have to be a burden to you but rather part of what makes you unique and able to offer the world something valuable because only you can offer it. Learn what it means to be introverted. Introversion is often misunderstood; many people incorrectly associate it with being shy, cold, serious, unhappy or unpopular, and the truth is none of these traits are necessary to identify introversion at all. Introversion has nothing to do with your outer persona and everything to do with your inner sense of peace; to put it simply, to be introverted is to be someone who thrives in solitude and needs time to be alone each day to clear their head and relax. It is when you might prefer solitary activities to social ones, or when you like to solve problems with journaling, creativity, or speaking one on one with someone not in your inner circle (such as a doctor, counselor or therapist) when you are having difficulties. I like to call myself a “loner”, but this term is also often misapplied and misunderstood, so I’ll elaborate… A loner loves to be alone and is not sad, anxious, or unproductive when they are alone; quite the contrary actually. A loner does not dislike people- in fact most loners are very compassionate, sensitive people who enjoy interacting with people, but don’t necessarily feel the need to acquire a large number of close friends. Loners are about quality more than quantity; they enjoy having few close friendships, at least one strong family bond, and like anyone else, loners long for a romantic connection. Loners are not people who do not feel lonely; if anything loneliness is more painful for loners because they do not feel it unless they cannot find at least one close bond and sense of trust, fun and mutual appreciation with another person. But all loners should know that embracing yourself as a loner or an introverted personality is a process, and while it may have much loneliness along the way, you must trust that you are never alone regardless of how you are feeling. And you must trust that you still have a lot of developing, growing and changing to do; loners do not remain the same from the first day they identify to the next year and the next year. Like anything else, it just takes time and living life to understand how to find inner peace, acceptance, and how to live life healthily and happily as a loner. Be hard on yourself. For your own good, do not use “I’m introverted/ I’m a loner” as an excuse to spoil your insane potential by staying inside, being alone, only being social through a screen; you are guaranteeing yourself unhappiness and loneliness if you do not push yourself every once in a while. Just because you need alone time and can often become overwhelmed when in certain social situations, it does not mean that you should coddle yourself with a plethora of solitude; a successful loner is a disciplined loner. I used to put all of my energy on the anxiety I got when I was invited to a party or had to go on a job interview. And I’d focus on that anxiety and let it fool me into obeying it… Never. Obey. Your anxiety. I’ve come to realize that those “oh no…” feelings I get when confronted with something that means I’ll have to get out and do something out of my comfort zone and be around many new people are actually reminders for something that is going to make me a stronger, more successful person. Instead of caving into the initial anxiety, when I feel it I think “okay, this physical reaction is my body’s weirdo way of telling me that this is something that I’m going to be happy I did once I do it, and the discomfort is really just in the anticipation rather than the action itself.” Introversion lends itself to anxiety about doing new things outside of your solitary routine and comfort zone, but they key is to stop seeing your anxious gut reaction as a truthful notion based on experience and start identifying it as a kick in the ribs of encouragement. Have you ever caved into anxiety and just stayed home instead of going out? And you did things you enjoy for a while but eventually you felt guilty about staying in, again, and missing out on something that was new? You feel that pang of guilt for a reason- it is your body telling you that you spend more than enough time by yourself doing the same old stuff and you are wasting your potential and missing out on new experiences by avoidance. Be honest with yourself, always. Maybe your parents or people you live with yell at you for always being inside or for not being social when people come to visit and you, or they express concern that you are always in your room and don’t have many friends over or go out to see people often at all. You might get defensive and hostile over these confrontations, because you wish they would just accept you and leave you alone. Open up your mind babydoll, because here’s the truth: they are sort of right. I know that it’s like the worst thing ever to admit you’re wrong (especially when you have fought so hard to prove something that’s not the truth)- especially to your mom and dad- but try to see how their complaints, at the root, have groundings. Maybe they are dickish about it and pull that patronizing parent bullshit when confronting you about why you’re alone so much, but take this quiet moment now to move all of your defensive excuses and explanations to the side and just be honest with yourself as you answer these questions from your heart: Are you happy the way you are living right now? Are you lonely? Do you avoid people that you later feel guilty about avoiding? Do you often feel like you are missing out on new experiences because of your enjoyment for being alone? Do you find yourself dwelling on negative emotions or thoughts when you do spend time alone?

If you said yes to one or more- again, relax, because that’s totally fine and you are certainly capable of fixing any of those things to get you to a point where you are separating your alone time and socially interactive time in ways that do not make you unhappy with the attention one or the other is getting. Loners thrive from not only being honest with themselves, but by taking the steps (through discipline) to act on the changes that their honesty suggests should be made to be happier, more successful, and more at peace. As a loner you are not obligated whatsoever to feel alienated, isolated, misfit, or unable to connect. You feel things very deeply and that is your gift and your curse, but it can be more of a pleasure than a pain to you if you train it to work with a routine that is productive, comfortable, but never monotonous and inhibiting. The best thing you can do in the end is quite easy: just hang in there and when you find yourself feeling bad about something that stems from being a solitary soul, focus on the solution and make yourself fix it by trying new things: remember, “Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.” and “If you do what you always did you’ll get what you always got.”

Be well, fellow loner!