NEW YORK—Explaining that they wanted to put their commitment to oppression in writing so that everyone knew where they stood, the nation’s CEOs signed a pledge Monday to continue fucking over Americans. “As the business leaders of this country, we promise to never, ever stop fighting to ensure that the vast majority of Americans aren’t able to afford the products they need or live the life they want,” read the letter signed by the CEOs of all Fortune 500 companies, including Walmart’s Doug McMillon, ExxonMobil’s Darren Woods, Apple’s Tim Cook, Berkshire Hathaway’s Warren Buffet, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, and hundreds of other chief executives across the country, who confirmed they had all agreed to step down from their positions if they ever wavered from their vow to condemn tens of millions of Americans to poverty in order to enrich themselves. “While executives have held these unspoken views for generations, it was important to us to enshrine them in a public document that lets all Americans know that we will stop at nothing to make their lives a living hell. We promise to do everything we can to limit Americans’ opportunities to build a better life for themselves and their families, to operate exclusively in our self-interest, and to prevent anyone from ever holding us accountable.” The letter reportedly received wide bipartisan support from hundreds of the nation’s elected officials, who vowed to continue working with business leaders on their shared goal of screwing over the country’s working class.

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