Buddy Systems at Work: a Framework for Rewarding Relationships on Remote Teams

One of my work mottos is "support the hell out of each other": helping your friends grow and succeed is far more rewarding than chasing after the next gold star for yourself. While I was at Reify Health I was lucky enough to work with other devs who had a similar ethos. There were no rock stars, and everyone looked out for each other. I'm happy to have gotten to work somewhere where I made real, honest-to-god friends :)

During my final weeks there I collaborated with coworkers on an experimental framework for supporting each other in a formal context. This framework would let us explore how to be there for each other in more meaningful ways while maintaining boundaries. This seemed particularly valuable in Reify's mostly-remote environment. With their permission, I'm sharing the initial framework proposal below:

The Buddy System

This doc outlines a proposal for a buddy system. The main idea behind the buddy system is for us to support each other by regularly spending time chatting with each other about things beyond whatever story is at hand. Exactly what that looks like will be up to you; this doc includes suggestions for how to have rewarding conversations. First, here are some ground rules:

Ground Rules

It’s confidential. Whatever you talk about remains between you and your buddy unless you say otherwise. This is meant to provide each other with time and space to speak about what’s going on :D It’s completely voluntary. You don’t have to participate, and if you do participate you can shape it however you want to: the frequency and content of chats is up to you. You can opt out or change buddies whenever you want. If you decide to drop out of the buddy system, it’s totally up to you if you want to explain why, or not. The buddy system is meant to consciously cultivate a space where we can be vulnerable with each other; part of making that safe is setting the expectation that people can opt out without having to explain why. By the same token, in joining the buddy system you accept that your buddy may at some point wish to opt or change buddies, and you commit to try to not take that personally if it happens 👍 Every three months we’ll change buddies - this gives us a chance to grow together, and also a chance to keep getting new perspectives by buddying with other folks on the team. There’s no impact on your yearly review. Though “Buddy System” would be a wonderfully Orwellian name for a mandatory chatting initiative. It’s reciprocal. Buddies commit to listening to and sharing with each other. If you feel like you have room to grow with listening or sharing, that’s totally cool - and a good first step is to share that with your buddy :) It’s not hierarchical. Being a Buddy means whole-hearted listening, asking questions, and just being supportive, which is independent of any junior or senior designations. The point is to support each other as human beings, not to meet project objectives :-)

Suggestions

Tell your buddy what you want to get out of the buddy system. Do you want to talk about your career? Your goals at Reify? How to improve our architecture? By letting your buddy know what you’re looking for, you can get all Jerry Maguire and help them help you.

Listen your asses off. Avoid the urge to give advice unless asked for it, but instead try to truly understand what your buddy is saying, and try to help them gain clarity.

Potential topics include goal-setting and “life at Reify.” Goal setting: It can be very useful to talk to someone about your broader goals and to have them hold you accountable. Sharing a goal often makes it more meaningful and gives you more motivation to reach it. Life at Reify: We have retros, which are useful, but regular one-on-one conversations also have a place in supporting each other

These topic suggestions are not meant to be exhaustive.

When asking for feedback, communicate what kind of feedback you want: A pat on the back High-level feedback Nitty-gritty feedback



Notes

Daniel is acting as facilitator in that he’s organizing discussion about the Buddy System so that we all come to a shared understanding of what it is and what we want to get out of it. However, Daniel isn’t, like, the Buddy System’s owner, and can’t tell you what to do.

Some reading this might be uncomfortable with the ideas outlined in the buddy system - and that's totally ok! A key part of the framework is you don't have to buy into it. But I think it speaks volumes about the level of trust and mutual good feeling among the team that almost everyone was excited about it while respecting that we're all different and not everyone prefers the same way of interacting. On the other hand, new hires were especially excited because they felt like it would help them acclimate to their new environment. To me, a team that is enthusiastic about these ideas is a team that I'd want to work with; it's a team that actually likes the idea of relating to each other on a real, human level.

One topic that came up was, how is this different from just being friends? Is it really necessary to have a structure that everyone agrees to? Does that bring an element of artifice into friendship? My thinking is that structure is a precondition for vulnerability. Structure tells us to be extra mindful in how we interact with each other, and it provides boundaries (like a clear time limit) to protect us from getting overwhelmed. By designating a time and place to consciously interact with each other, it also resolves the problem of never knowing when is "the right time" to bring something up.

This would be helpful for new hires, sure, but even in my personal life I've found that structure is much better at fostering deeper interactions than just winging it. Knowing that everyone is "in it" together and that "it" won't last forever provides a solid foundation for trust.

Final note: vulnerability here does not mean you have to spill your guts, emotionally leaking on each other all the time. It does mean feeling safe to express that you're struggling or that you feel dissatisfied or hurt in some way.

What are your thoughts? Have you tried something like this where you worked, and how did it go?

P.S. Reify is hiring!

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