Do you believe in yourself and what you have to offer as a person? Can you take a good look at what you bring to the table and see that you’re a badass mofo who oozes value at all times? If you’re like most, the answer is probably no; but if that’s true then fix it now because you’re shooting yourself in the foot with an automatic shotgun.

Sound pleasant?

Didn’t think so. Anyway, the way people react to you depends more on how you view yourself and what you have to offer than anything else. It’s more important than your status, your money, your looks, or any of the other insecurities you have floating around in your skull, and here’s why.

Right now I’m recording my life for a Channel 4 documentary which will be on TV early in 2018. It’s a show about relationships so as well as recording the ups and downs of my own life, I go out and meet people to talk to them on camera about how they approach dating in the modern age. Anyway, due to some random twist of fate, one of my good friends is also on the same show, but interestingly enough, he doesn’t have the same success as me when it comes to getting people to be interviewed by him on camera.

Now I don’t mean to toot my own horn (well, maybe a little) or seem arrogant, but if I ask someone to take part in my documentary I get an enthusiastic yes 9 times out of 10. My friend, however; almost never gets a yes (well not until I helped him), and on the surface it doesn’t make a lick of sense. He’s a good looking, confident and funny hombre who has loads of dates with girls but can’t seem to get them to go on camera with him.

I’m not any better than him. It’s not like I’m some highly evolved being or anything; so what the hell’s going on?? Wha gwarn?

Well I’ll tell you wha gwarn

Wha gwarn is that my friend lacks confidence in what he’s offering and the girls he’s talking to pick up on it. It shines through in his vocal tone and body language and they get the idea that he’s just not offering them a good deal. In fact, he knows he’s offering them something crap and they know that he knows he’s offering something crap so they just take his word for it and reject him hard. Now it’s pretty hard to convey vocal tone and body language through text but try to imagine how my friend looks and sounds when he says the following:

Him: (unsure of himself) Erm, yeah, erm so I’m kinda doing this reality TV thing and wondered if you’d want to be in it.

(unsure of himself) Erm, yeah, erm so I’m kinda doing this reality TV thing and wondered if you’d want to be in it. Her: (very suspicious) What??? Reality TV??? What kind of show is it???

(very suspicious) What??? Reality TV??? What kind of show is it??? Him: Erm, it’s just this dating thing. They’ve given me a camera and I have to use it to film my dates and stuff.

Erm, it’s just this dating thing. They’ve given me a camera and I have to use it to film my dates and stuff. Her: No! No way! I definitely don’t want to be on that. Make sure you don’t film me.

So what went wrong there? Wha gwarn??

Wha gwarn is that my friend’s body language and vocal tone would have conveyed a complete lack of confidence that shattered the girl’s trust in him; but we can’t break down non-verbal social cues here.

What we can break down are his choice of words because they’re singing from the same song sheet in this symphony of defeat. For instance he starts off with:

‘Erm, yeah, erm so I’m kinda doing this reality TV thing.’

What about that statement sounds confident? Nothing! Does it seem like he owns being a part of the show? Hell no! Is he proud of it?? Negative! He’s embarrassed about it and it’s clear for all to see. Also, even though he knows for a fact that we’re making a documentary, he’s actually calling it a reality TV show. Now I don’t know what things are like in your neck of the woods but here in the UK the term reality TV carries a trashy stigma but documentaries are seen as being intelligent and classy. When he tells girls he’s on a reality TV show rather than a documentary he’s priming their brains to view his request as negative rather than positive. And the reason he’s doing that is because he views his request as negative! He thinks he’s taking value rather than giving it!

But let’s carry on

He’s also said: ‘They’ve given me a camera and I have to use it to film my dates and stuff.’

He has to use this camera to record his dates?? He’s being forced to do so?? Why isn’t he owning it?? Why isn’t he proud of it?? This is what the girl would have been thinking! He’s making the whole thing seem like a chore! And while we’re on this topic, what girl wants to be filmed getting amorous on an intimate date?? Very few. He’s basically setting himself up for failure by asking them to be willing to lower themselves by taking part in a trashy reality TV show where they’re gonna be captured in their most intimate moments. A show that he himself seems resigned to have to take part in.

Is it any surprise that she said no?? Does it seem like a remotely good deal??

Now let’s compare my approach

Me: Hey!

Hey! Her: Hey.

Hey. Me: How would you like to be featured in a Channel 4 documentary series?

How would you like to be featured in a Channel 4 documentary series? Her: A documentary??

A documentary?? Me: (pull out my company card and give it to her) Yeah, so I’m recording a year of my life for a series that will air on TV early next year. It explores the highs and lows of modern dating life, and one of the things I like to do is to talk to guys and girls about their experiences with the opposite sex and what it’s like meeting people in 2017. Would you like to take part in it?

(pull out my company card and give it to her) Yeah, so I’m recording a year of my life for a series that will air on TV early next year. It explores the highs and lows of modern dating life, and one of the things I like to do is to talk to guys and girls about their experiences with the opposite sex and what it’s like meeting people in 2017. Would you like to take part in it? Her: Oh my God, are you serious?

Oh my God, are you serious? Me: Yeah I’m completely serious.

Yeah I’m completely serious. Her: OK, yeah; let’s do this!

So considering that me and my friend are both offering the same effing thing, what is it that’s made me successful where he’s fallen hard and flat on his face?

Well, firstly, my body language and vocal tone are both conveying confidence, but like I said before, you can’t gauge that from text. But secondly, look at how I’ve positioned the show as something positive for her to be involved with.

How would you like to be featured in a Channel 4 documentary series?

Over here in the UK, Channel 4 is a very respected TV station so name dropping that carries a certain amount of weight. Also, I’ve asked her if she wants to be featured; the positive connotations of that word in itself will make her feel special about herself and about the project. I’m implying that she’s receiving a rare honour that loads of people would want because that’s genuinely how I see it. I’ve also explained the show in full and with pride and given her my card for added legitimacy.

Can you see how I might have been successful where he wasn’t?

But the fact of it is this, all of the differences between mine and my friend’s approaches boil down to how we feel about what we’re offering. He thinks he’s offering something negative and potentially damaging (he’s even told me as such). He’s thinking that he’s asking girls to degrade themselves by taking part in something humiliating like Bad Girls Club the reality TV show in the video below.

But as for me, I’m imagining something classy and sophisticated like in the Louis Theroux clip below. I’m also assuming that the girl in question would love to be on TV and that if she did take part it’d be something she’d be eager and excited to tell her friends and family about. I’m assuming that it’s something she should be proud of and that she’s lucky to have me approach her.

Anyway, specific words that we used when talking to our girls aren’t at all the point I’m trying to make here. What I’m basically getting at is that my friend being ashamed of what he had to offer is why he spoke the way he did and used the language he did and my being proud of what I had to offer is why I spoke the way I did and used the language I did.

We were both ultimately offering the same thing, but we had differing opinions which caused different actions which resulted in completely different outcomes. Also, let me say that this isn’t an unconfident guy that I’m talking about here. He’s not a loser. He’s a very accomplished man with lots of strengths to his character but who lacked confidence in this specific are. Once I sat down with him and showed him where he was going wrong, I’m proud to say I completely turned is problem around and that he now has loads of women talking to him on camera.

Where in your life are you selling yourself short? Where are you wrongfully looking down on yourself and what you have to offer? And how could you be giving people a way better impression of you if your first realised your own worth?

#breakthematrix