If your birthday is this week: A Porno Pizza parlor will open in your neighborhood. Just don’t order the sausage.

Aries: Your buddy that’s over 950 lbs will ask you to come over and bring a wheelbarrow full of pancakes and syrup.

Taurus: You will become trapped in a conversation about the TV show, Lost. Just agree with the theories and get the Hell out of there.

Gemini: The stars say, that stalker paperboy will find you and start delivering the paper to your new address again.

Lemini: A group of home invasion robbers will change their minds and decide to redecorate your house instead. Unfortunately, they still shoot you.

Cancer: A man in a hotdog costume will attempt to carjack you, but give up when he can’t get into your mini Cooper.

Leo: Your Kickstarter project to raise money to pay Honey Boo Boo to leave television forever raises $85 million dollars in the first week.

Virgo: You will be forced to hide an inappropriate erection in the bakery. The man to whom the erection belongs, will thank you.

Libra: You will have a terrible meal, but lie to Yelp because you think it makes you more popular.

Scorpio: This week, a scientist will distill an aphrodisiac from your sweat.

Sagittarius: You will be the last person in America not to know anyone that’s ever been connected to a senseless random shooting…until Thursday.

Capricorn: All your favorite shows premiere this month, so you’ll spend most of it sitting on your ass in front of the TV.

Aquarius: Your book on Osama Bin Laden is also banned by the Pentagon, mostly for all the unrelated nude pictures of yourself.

Pisces: You’ll discover two great tastes that taste great together. Unfortunately, no one wants to buy a chocolate covered steak candy bar.