SUMTER, SC—Wavering over which of the two activities would be most fulfilling to pursue, local teen Ethan Horne told reporters Friday that he was on the verge of either joining ISIS or getting super into rollerblading. “I’ve been desperately searching for some meaning in my life, and it’s really beginning to look like I’m going to fill the void by moving to Syria to help establish a global caliphate or starting to focus on rollerblading way more seriously,” said Horne, who has been actively weighing whether it would be more gratifying to go to the park and practice heel toes, crossovers, and skating backwards or wage jihad on the West by beheading an infidel. “It’s a kind of a tough decision because I’ve been watching a lot of suicide bombing videos that have been a really huge influence, but then again, I went rollerblading the other day and had a total blast. I’m still on the fence because both rollerblading and ISIS have, like, these super close, tight-knit communities.” At press time, Horne had reportedly packed his roller blades into his suitcase after realizing that there was nothing stopping him from doing both.



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