Let’s me tell you one thing. The worst thing that could happen to a high school senior is not failing his very last classes, being unable to graduate, nor ending up at a crappy college, but a more subtle and devious destruction: senioritis, or “a supposed affliction of students in their final year of high school or college, characterized by a decline in motivation or performance” (Google Dictionary).

Senioritis sucks. It drains all of your passion and hope and motivation, the things that have kept you working your butt out. From a very energetic and motivated person throughout 3/4 of your high school years, you suddenly become a lifeless slob in your very last moment of high school. All your plans, all your hard works, all your efforts so far are being gradually thrown out and tossed into the trash can because of this unscrupulous and wicked force from the deepest pit of hell.

I, personally, was, or still is, struck hard by senioritis. I remember when I was still a very lively 5’2 Asian boy working my 101% to gain the title Valedictorian (well, to be fair, this is also thanks to the uncompetitive student body in my school) and talking continuously about my dream schools, what I will do when I get there, how college life will be for me, how badly I want to study and expose myself in an intellectually curious and highly driven environment. Then senior year came, and every single thing of the aforementioned stuff evaporated just in a blink of an eye. Well, to be honest, I still want to go to my dream school, to enjoy college life, to be driven socially and intellectually. Yet, that “want” is not strong enough anymore to make it into motivation. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m drained out.

The exhaustion, the confusion, the disorientation, with the aid of many external factors due to many unexpected events happening to me during these recent months, gradually punch into my body and mentality until they lay down a knockout, which they already did. I thought that I was ready to leave behind my high school life to move forward to another step in life. But now, I’m not so sure if it is true. My consciousness keeps calming me saying that this is normal and that I’m so ready to get out so that your body and mind are just “protesting” due to the fact that I cannot leave yet. Is it true? Or is it a trick from my subconsciousness that I was and am never ready for this? Am I thinking too much? Probably. But the right and the most reasonable answer should be summarized into three simple but irritating words: I don’t know.

If you think the situation isn’t that bad, it is that bad. I can spend hours on the internet reading about colleges, tips to get into good ones, and inspirational stories of those getting into Ivies or University of Chicago or those equal-tier schools. Yet, when it comes to action, I just don’t have any strength to do: SAT prep makes me dizzy, college essays clog my brain even before I finish my first sentences, homework just piles up due to my procrastination, and many other similar things.

I actually don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t even know what I’m typing and why. But I feel the need to pour it out. I have to get my life together. I need strength to go through this process with the best of my ability. If I end up at a lower-ranked school with my best efforts, I’ll still be satisfying. Yet, I don’t want to be the guy couple months later looking back at this very moment and regret not trying and fighting. Of every question, the scariest question is “What if,” and I don’t want to be a person saying that. Will I relapse? I don’t know. Nobody knows but God himself. But let’s hope for the best!