If you're anything like me, you've never read a Harry Potter book or seen a Harry Potter movie. Statistically speaking, you are nothing like me, as the latest installment of the Potter franchise is already poised to smash all relevant box office records, everywhere. (I should make it clear that when I say, "relevant box office records," I mean, "only box office records that pertain to The Dark Knight.") Despite my lack of interest in and familiarity with the franchise, I'm not against the idea of it and I don't hate the people who love it or the cultural impact it's made (even though being a non-fan when a new movie comes out sort of feels like being the only Jewish kid during Christmas time). This franchise just missed me completely.

I'm certainly not one of those anti-populist folks who strategically avoids everything that gets embraced by the mainstream, I didn't avoid it simply because it's wildly popular; I like The Beatles, Star Wars and all of Lost with the exception of the two that everyone else hates (Jack's Fucking Tattoo, Nikki and Fucking Paolo). I just had no interest in the series when the first book came out because by then, I was already too old and too much of a shithead to submit myself to a world of magic and wizards and broomsticks and muggles (a word I've often heard associated with Harry Potter that I've arbitrarily decided is either a sort of talisman that all kid-wizards need to collect to be the best wizard, or a kind of fuzzy, fantasy animal that is specific to the Harry Potter universe. I've drawn what I think it is below.).