Depression is a vile monster. One day you can feel like you are finally starting to gain some control over your own mind, and the next it will bring you to your knees. It’s common to find articles and blog posts that describe different ways to overcome depression, but what often gets brushed over, is how to handle being in a relationship with someone battling depression. Yes, navigating love while trying to manage a mental illness is extremely difficult. But what about the men and women who live every day watching their mate suffer? If you are in that position, these suggestions will help you provide better support without running yourself dry.

1. Depression is not a choice and does not equal weakness

The most important thing is to remember depression is NOT a choice. It’s also important to remember depression is not something that should be considered shameful and experiencing it doesn’t make someone weak or inadequate.

Depression is one of the most helpless and frustrating experiences a person can have. On any given day, one can go from feeling an array of emotions to feeling none at all. There are times when depression can leave one feeling like their own mind is a prison they cannot escape. They have a desire to do things they love, but have no physical energy to devote to the activity. Depression is not just a bad day or a bad mood and it’s not something someone can just “get over.”

2. Help your loved one get a proper diagnosis and treatment

Depression might prevent one from recognizing they need help or seeking it out, so it’s often the non-depressed partner who will express concern. To approach your partner about your concerns, come from a place of compassion, not judgement and frustration. Try saying something similar to this: I love you, but I can see you are suffering. Depression is common and treatable, so let’s learn more about it and fight it together.”

It can be very helpful for the licensed counselor or psychologist to see a depressed patient along with their significant other because the partner is often the first to notice behavioral changes in a loved one and these insights are extremely valuable during treatment.

A certain amount of trial and error in treatment is to be expected and it will be very beneficial if the non-depressed partner is willing to remain patient and understanding. Sometimes therapy alone can help the depressed partner and sometimes a combination of medication and talk therapy will be necessary. The important thing to remember is with time and treatment, depression can lift.

3. Create an action plan

The key to any type of change and healing from depression is ACTION. Sit down with your partner on a day when they’re feeling happy or calm. Gently begin a conversation to help them create an action plan for their low days. How do they want to approach those days? What would they need assistance with on those days? What will help them progress through those days?

Co-create an action plan to encourage them to get through the “down” days so they can shift into a happier state of mind. Make sure your action plan includes exercise! While physical exercise can be an extra challenge to those struggling with depression, the endorphins it provides create a natural mood-lifter.

4. Show receptivity and support

Encourage a depressed spouse to talk about the way he or she is feeling, thinking or acting, and listen without passing judgment. If someone is in a severe depression, you may hear things that will raise great concern. For example, a depressed person may reveal suicidal thoughts or question their desire to remain in the relationship. Depression is an emotional roller coaster and it may be in the best interest of your relationship to defer decisions about commitment until after a depressive episode.

A depressed person will often times isolate themselves out of fear, shame or guilt. Remind your significant other they don’t have to do this alone. Offer to take them on a drive or grab coffee. Often times, reconnecting with your partner during some one-on-one time can mean everything for them. Write a sweet note. Give them flowers. Do a chore for them. You’d be surprised how the smallest gestures have the biggest impact.

5. Give children/teens an age-appropriate explanation

Depression not only affects an intimate relationship, but it also impacts children. Children are often vulnerable to a parent’s anxiety. One study indicates that 20% of 10-year-olds whose mothers suffered from depression were themselves victims within five years. In a sensitive and honest way, talk about the illness with your children so they don’t feel afraid or worried.

6. Make an effort to stay on the same team

When one partner is depressed, it’s important to remember the enemy is the illness, and not your partner themselves. Team up to defeat the depression rather than allowing it to tear your relationship apart. Actively work to help your significant other get better–whether it’s taking a daily walk together, preparing dinner for your family or ensuring medication is taken. Planning time to spend together can do a world of good.

7. Show your partner acceptance and unconditional love

One of the most important things you can do for your struggling mate is to let them know you still love and accept them despite how they may feel about themselves. Love has the power to heal everything. When your partner is experiencing a low day, show them more love. It may feel more difficult to do this when they’re in a funk and taking it out on you, but it’s on these days that they need to experience love the most.

Avoid creating ultimatums, making demands, or constantly using a “tough-love” approach. Telling someone you’re going to break up with them or not talk to them anymore if they don’t get better is not going to magically cure them of their illness. It will push them further into darkness.

Refrain from belittling your partner, comparing them to yourself, or being overly critical. Saying phrases like “Try harder,” “Just pray about it,” or “I was depressed too, but I kept pushing, now I’m over it” will only create more tension within, making them feel as though they’re inadequate, and like you’re not acknowledging what they’re going through by trying to put a band-aid on a much larger issue. A silent hug can do so much more than using clichéd sayings.

What you can say instead:

I’m here for you and I believe in you.

You are stronger than this and we will get through this together.

What can I do to help you?

What do you think would make you feel better?

BONUS: Remember to take care of yourself!

You’re allowed to get frustrated.

Depressed people need to feel loved and supported but if it begins to create a negative impact on your life you’re allowed to acknowledge this and figure out how to show them love and kindness without self-sacrificing.

It’s important to discuss and create boundaries.

In moments of frustration it’s important to take a step back and look at how you can help your significant other while also maintaining your own sense of happiness and fulfillment. Be patient. Talk to them about your concerns and explain the boundaries you need to create within your relationship. Find something that works for both of you.

Remind yourself of God’s truth.

When you become fearful the relationship is coming to an end, God’s promises can restore your hope: God will never leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5); He promised you His grace when you are weak (2 Corinthians 12:10); God will weave everything—even your partner’s depression—into a blessing (Romans 8:28).

Let prayer be your lifeline.

Praying scriptures alone or with your significant other will open the door for God to work in your partner and in your relationship. You and your loved one can experience God’s grace for every situation you face. Prayer will strengthen your relationship when one or both of you are weak, and it will continuously remind you both of God’s love.

Scripture Suggestions:

Joel 2:25, asks God to restore the wasted years;

Colossians 1:9-12, to give my significant other direction;

Isaiah 61:1-3, to lift my partner’s heaviness of despair and replace it with praise and joy;

1 Peter 4:8, to fill YOU with the love that covers a multitude of sins.

It’s important to prepare yourself before attempting to assist when your significant other is depressed. Deep sorrow can be infectious, and it’s not uncommon for caregivers to develop symptoms of depression themselves. Guard against this possibility by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and staying in the Word.

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Warning Signs

Your spouse may be depressed if s/he:

Sleeps too much or too little; wakes frequently throughout the night.

Is persistently sad or has a flat, empty mood.

Experiences increased anxiety, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, and/or decreased energy.

Exhibits physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach-ache, or other chronic pain that doesn’t respond to treatment.

Experiences appetite loss, weight loss, or sudden weight gain.

Has suicidal thoughts.

Feels hopeless, pessimistic, worthless, a failure.

Is irrational in his thinking or has difficulty making decisions.

If you — or someone you know — need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.