A few weeks ago, my fellow TFM writers and I headed on over to the Onnit Academy in Austin, Texas to endure the toughest physical test through which I’ve ever suffered. We did leg lifts, push-ups, a hanging exercise, and a ton of various calisthenics that had my hadn’t-seen-a-gym-since-January body absolutely winded. Just when I thought I wasn’t going to make it — just as I was about to tell Dorn to go on without me and leave me wherever I may fall — I heard our instructor say that fateful line.

“Is everybody good and stretched out? Great! Now it’s time for the combine.”

Right then and there I knew I was in for an afternoon of intense exertion and last-place finishes. And, just as I didn’t disappoint as far as the latter goes, the workout didn’t contradict my expectation of the former.

The reasoning behind why we decided to put on the TFW Writer Combine? Because we’re all competitive fraternity men who like to assert their dominance (or how dominant they are at being dominated, in my case) whenever possible. So, with former University of Texas strength and conditioning coach Jeff “Mad Dog” Madden running the ship, and helpful assistants Jena (a former TFM Babe Of The Day) and Rei Leigh by his side, we entered into battle.

If you’d done the eye test on each of the participants, gauging our athletic ability based strictly on appearance, the results are pretty chalk — save for my savage broad jump performance. Sure, Dillon swept all the events, but that’s what you come to expect from a guy who does steroids. And where was Dan during all this? He threw in the towel two days before the combine after injuring his hammy while practicing his 40-yard dash. Seriously. So do with that information what you will.

Special thanks to Onnit for hosting us, as well as to Mad Dog, Jena, and Ryleigh for putting on the combine and making sure we didn’t die in the process. I can’t wait for the next opportunity to show off my skills. I promise that come next combine, I will clock a sub-2 40 time (as in, assuming pizza roll eating is added to the itinerary, I will eat 40 pizza rolls in less than 2 minutes). Mark my words..