State Slogans: Ranked And Saluted

by Victoria Johnson and John Wenz

51. Washington — “SayWa!”

The worst part of “Take Your Kid to Work” day is that this came out of it.

50. Maryland — “Maryland of Opportunity”

Maryland of Awful Puns.

49. Rhode Island — “Unwind”

Sounds suspiciously like a chance to nap. See also: Things this slogan will make you do.

48. Nevada — “The Battle Born State”

This slogan is only cool if it refers to Harry Reid’s career as a boxer.

47. Wisconsin — “Live like you mean it”

A bad inspirational mini-poster from a Wheaties box. It would be on a shelf next to the 1992 Olympic Basketball Dream Team cups from McDonalds, but even John Stockton and Scottie Pippen would eye it suspiciously.

46. Arizona — “The Grand Canyon State”

If Missouri is the Show Me State, Arizona is the Phoning It In State.

45. Iowa — “Life Changing”

A trip to Iowa can’t repair low self-esteem and crippling anxiety problems. Sorry, Iowa.

43. South Carolina — “Smiling Faces. Beautiful Places.” (tie)

South Carolina, are you really that comfortable with being mistaken for South Dakota?

43. South Dakota — “Great Faces. Great Places.” (tie)

South Dakota, are you really that comfortable with being mistaken for South Carolina?

42. Oklahoma — “Oklahoma is OK”

The nation’s ambivalent shrug.

41. Hawaii — “The Islands of Aloha”

No bye, no aloha.

40. New Jersey — “Come see for yourself”

Way to do nothing to dispel the notion that everyone in Jersey is lazy, Jersey.

39. Vermont — “Vermont, Naturally”

Serving dickishness right up on a platter. Does it come with a side of snootiness?

38. Virginia — “Virginia is for Lovers”

North Virginia, however, is for motherfuckers.

37. Massachusetts — “The Spirit of America”

This one feels lazy, sort of phoning it in, as if it was asleep through most of the Slogan Making Meeting and then popped up when called on and this was the first thing out of its mouth.

36. California — “Find Yourself Here”

“I went on this journey of self-discovery and all I got was this lousy sunburn” is a bumper sticker idea for them.

35. Georgia — “Georgia on My Mind”

“Midnight Train to Georgia” was robbed.

34. Kansas — “As Big As You Think”

“When Frat Boys Make Slogans: The Kansas Story”

33. Arkansas — “The Natural State”

Arkansas: Taking its slogans from Doctor Bronner’s bottles since 1836.

32. Maine — “There’s more to Maine”

This one opens more questions than it answers. More than what? More than there is to Nova Scotia? More to Maine than lobster?

31. Pennsylvania — “State of Independence “

Feels a bit like Ohio putting moon stuff on their quarter.

30. Louisiana — “Pick Your Passion”

Almost as lazy as Jersey’s slogan. Almost.

29. Tennessee — “America at its best “

It just feels like they have something to prove.

28. Texas — “It’s like a whole other country.”

And it’s tried to be, many times.

27. Florida — “Sunshine State”

Lazy and uninspired. They might as well just have their slogan be “ORANGES” in all caps.

26. Connecticut — “Full of Surprises”

It’s not bad. There are at least 25 slogans worse than this. But that still leaves 25 better. Cue your Jimmy Eat World CD, New Haven.

25. West Virginia — “Wild and Wonderful”

You say “wild,” we say “feral.”

24. Alabama — “Share the Wonder”

You’re a state, not a bag of Skittles.

23. Oregon — “We love dreamers”

And homeless crusties.

22. New York — “I Love New York.”

The perfect t-shirt slogan for tourists who spent their entire trip to New York waiting to get robbed at gunpoint.

21. Delaware — “It’s Good Being First”

It’s pretty cocksure. Like “yeah, I know what’s up.” Delaware’s slogan probably wears sunglasses and gets served at that bar where all the bartenders are total jerks.

20. Illinois — “Mile after Magnificent Mile”

Illinois is trying to upsell you.

19. Utah — “Life Elevated”

This slogan is Tom Petty. No one hates it, but it’s no one’s favorite.

18. Mississippi — “Feels Like Coming Home”

Aww, that’s so nice of you, Mississippi. As long as that home isn’t the house from Poltergeist we should be ok.

17. North Carolina — “A Better Place to Be”

It makes North Carolina sound so inviting, like it’ll have cookies ready when you get there.

16. Minnesota — “Explore Minnesota”

Simple, yet effective. It beckons you a little. Maybe offers you a pull of its flask before sending you on your journey.

15. New Hampshire — “You’re going to love it here.”

Live free or die is, sadly, only the motto. However, if you let the disembodied voice of Tim Gunn read this to you, you almost instantly want to go there.

14. Alaska — “Beyond Your Dreams, Within Your Reach”

Is that a Replacements reference?

13. Missouri — “Close to Home. Far from Ordinary.”

It seems like each state is going for absolute exceptionalism, like they’re trying to out-weird each other. But have you ever had a weird out contest with your friends? Somebody always ends up with a picture of themselves naked except for a well placed puppet and no chance of ever seeking public office.

12. Colorado — “Enter a Higher State”

Man, it’s no wonder Boulder is littered with hippies whose dads own real estate in Colorado Springs.

11. Kentucky — “Unbridled Spirit”

DID YOU KNOW THAT KENTUCKY HAS LOTS OF HORSE RACING? But whatever, Animal Kingdom paid out, like, $200 for a win ticket.

10. Nebraska — “The Good Life “

One of us is Nebraskan. We recuse ourselves.

9. New Mexico — “Land of Enchantment”

America’s number one destination for alien spacecraft crashes and spiritual journeys of college sophomores who just read Thoreau.

8. Ohio — “So Much to Discover”

Go on …

7. Wyoming — “Like No Place on Earth”

Wyoming telling it like it is. Also, the second best state to never deal with people ever.

6. Indiana — “Restart Your Engines”

There are just so many ways to take this, but we find that we don’t find any of them necessary.

5. North Dakota — “Legendary”

Forget that you forgot about North Dakota. This motto is just so brazen, so forward … you can’t help but feel that now you have to know about North Dakota.

4. District of Columbia — “Taxation Without Representation”

The biggest middle-finger slogan. Also, by including DC, we were allowed to put Washington at an even lower ranking

3. Michigan — “Say Yes to Michigan”

If you insist.

2. Idaho — “Great Potatoes. Tasty Destinations.”

You had us at “potatoes.”

1. Montana — “The Last Best Place”

The First Best Slogan.

Victoria Johnson and John Wenz love America.