What if

all women were bigger and stronger than you

And thought they were smarter

What if

women were the ones who started wars

What if

too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos

and no K-Y Jelly

What if

the state trooper

who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike

was a woman

and carried a gun

What if

the ability to menstruate

was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs

What if

your attractiveness to women depended

on the size of your penis

What if

every time women saw you

they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands

What if

women were always making jokes

about how ugly penises are

and how bad sperm tastes

What if

you had to explain what’s wrong with your car

to big sweaty women with greasy hands

who stared at your crotch

In a garage where you are surrounded

by posters of naked men with hard-ons

What if

men’s magazines featured cover photos

of 14-year-old boys

with socks

tucked into the front of their jeans

and articles like:

“How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”

or

“What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”

or

“The truth about impotence”

What if

the doctor who examined your prostate

was a woman

and called you “Honey”

What if

You had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath

as she insisted that sleeping with her

was part of the job

What if

You couldn’t get away because

the company dress code required

you wear shoes

designed to keep you from running

And what if

after all that

women still wanted you

to love them.