Samantha Bee: ‘An incredibly low bar, but you cleared it’

“You know, it’s not bad news that we just found out that the US president didn’t illegally collude with Putin,” said Samantha Bee in her first Full Frontal episode since William Barr, the attorney general, released his four-page summary of the special counsel Robert Mueller’s much hyped report. Bee is one of many still processing the findings – to recap, Mueller cleared Trump of collusion charges, but made no call on obstruction of justice.

“Good job, Trump, for probably not doing a crime so crazy it sounded like an episode of 24 as written by Mad magazine,” Bee panned. “That is an incredibly low bar, but you cleared it.”

But what’s good for the US doesn’t necessarily make Trump and his TV supporters’ gloating easier to bear, Bee continued, pointing to a memo the White House circulated this week that urged television producers to blacklist vocal critics of Trump.

“Wow, usually when he writes to TV producers, it’s to ask them to hide footage of him saying the N-word,” Bee joked. She also called BS on the White House’s line that the critics’ credibility was compromised by “outlandish and unsupported claims”.

The accusations of Trump’s collusion with Russia were never outlandish, she argued. “I’m sorry, but if you’re going to publicly ask Vladimir Putin to hack your opponent and then he immediately does, it is not outlandish to wonder if you guys are doing a collusion.” Besides, warning TV producers to avoid critics of the president constitutes “a clear attack on the freedom of the press. And since when do you have a problem with lying on TV? Lying on TV is Kellyanne Conway’s entire résumé.”

Barr’s summary aside, “Russia stuff” is just one arm of the many investigations Trump faces, including on tax fraud and campaign finance violations. “And as always, let’s remember, Donald Trump admitted to sexual assault,” Bee half-sang as she twirled ironically to pink glitter and twinkles.

In sum: “You don’t need the Mueller report to tell you that Trump is a bad, corrupt man,” Bee said. “He is just one part of what has gone horribly wrong with our government, and the best way to make real change is by winning an election.

“No one is coming to save us, but us. In the end, the real Robert Mueller was inside us all along.”

Stephen Colbert: ‘How dumb is this guy?’

“Donald Trump has been living it up since the Barr report of the Mueller report totally cleared him of half the charges,” opened Stephen Colbert on Wednesday’s Late Show. Indeed, the Barr summary was a big political victory for Trump, one he has gloated over, “and now, he finally has a chance to get on America’s good side. Step one: take away everyone’s healthcare.”

Yes, Trump declared this week that he’s looking to attempt a repeal of the Affordable Care Act (ACA), an effort that failed in 2017.

“Mr Trump, you’ve just been cleared of collusion, what are you going to do now?” Colbert imagined the conversation, summing up Trump’s thinking as: “I’m going to roll a diabetic off a cliff.”

“How dumb is this guy? In the midterms, he got his ass kicked because healthcare was the top issue for voters.” To illustrate the insanity, Colbert offered a metaphor: “Ow, that stove is hot,” he said as Trump, pretending to touch a burner and then, mock unzipping his pants: “Let’s try that again with something else.”

Given widespread support for healthcare, why is Trump looking to repeal the ACA? Colbert cited a New York Times report that Trump strategists believe it will appeal to his base. Also, Republicans are looking to replicate Democrats’ success campaigning on healthcare, though that means “having a plan, which might be a problem, because for the last nine years, [while] they’ve been trying to repeal Obamacare, their replacement has been, ‘Well, heaven seems nice’”, Colbert noted.

Jimmy Kimmel: ‘Whose problem was helping the disabled too much?’

Jimmy Kimmel decried the Trump administration’s proposed end to federal funding for the Special Olympics. The cut to the program, among the $7bn in proposed cuts to education programs, fell under the purview of Betsy DeVos, the secretary of education who “thinks that school is a waste of money”, Kimmel said.

DeVos appeared before a congressional subcommittee Tuesday to defend the cuts, calling the end of Special Olympics funding “a difficult choice”.

“And you know, good for Betsy,” Kimmel panned. “Those Special Olympians have had it too good for too long.

“Can you imagine? Whose problem with America was helping the disabled too much?” Kimmel marveled. “It’s like she’s auditioning to be the plot in Jordan Peele’s next horror movie.”

In fairness to the administration, “they aren’t just focused on punishing Special Olympians; Trump unleashed another attack on Obamacare today to make sure that no one ever gets help from anyone ever again,” Kimmel said to footage of Trump saying America can’t live under such a “horrible” program as Obamacare.

“That’s the Trump promise,” Kimmel surmised. “We can’t live with Obamacare but, by God, we are going to die with Trumpcare if it is the last thing we do.”