Thanos Movie.



Everyone's been trying to get their hands on the newly-released Avengers: Endgame, but I, a busy worker, am a step behind.



I never got around to watching Infinity War.



So when I saw an incredibly cheap listing of the movie on eBay, I jumped at the chance to finally see this epic film.



However, instead of the promised 'Avengers' movie, which was from a "United States Seller", I received a single disc from somewhere in North Korea.



This alone made me scream.



It looked like something you'd store a shitty pirated xBox game on, and had no box. On the top was labeled only "Thanos Movie" written in a shitty red marker, probably by Kim Jong fucking Un himself.



I wasn't about to risk sending this thing back to N.K., so I decided to insert the disk into my Blu-Ray player, thinking Infinity War would still play.



I was wrong.



The minute I plugged the disc in, a menu appeared. It had a picture of Thanos smiling and two videos. Some LOUD fucking K-Pop song played over it. One had a thumbnail that looked like Infinity War, while the other showed simply a stock image of Thanos.



I selected the stock image.



Then my Blu-Ray player fucking burst shards of glass all over my house and just fucking erupted, sending my entertainment center shooting into my TV, toppling my speakers, and sending my entire fucking front porch into my neighbor's kid's room, to the sound of screams. That's when all of my home alarms went off, and my oven suddenly started laughing and releasing a deadly gas. The entire front of my home erupted as a strange man peaked his head into my back door and laughed menacingly. Then, everything caught on fire, and 50 ninjas jumped into my house and started swinging Nintendo Wii nunchucks. All the food in my fridge then exploded into the atmosphere, creating a nasty fucking smell. Then my computer suddenly started looking up cocaine and bomb sales, which put me on the fucking no-fly list and sent the FBI to my house.



I then realized that I wasn't even in my house.



I was supposed to feed my neighbor's fish and accidentally put the disc in there.



Oops.



I went back to my house, put the disc in, and selected the other option.



The film opened on Thanos sitting in traffic in his Subaru. Some guy keeps beeping and telling him to fucking move, but Thanos keeps waving at him and yelling "give me a minute!"



Suddenly, the guy honks a train horn at Thanos.



Thanos gets out of his car.



Thanos SLAMS his car door, walks over to the other guy's car, and fucking ANNIHILATES the door, before ripping out the steering wheel and slamming the guy's head into the roof with it. He then HURLS the car into an 18-wheeler, causing Pepsi™ to spill fucking everywhere.



Thanos gets back in his car as the Pepsi™ truck accidentally rear-ends him, causing his face to turn pink with rage.



We see Thanos in Heaven. He has little fairy wings on his back.



Suddenly, he YANKS the wings off, spurting blood everywhere, and falls out of Heaven back onto Earth. "FUCK!" he screams, which is not a word you hear in the MCU.



Then, finally, the Avengers appear. Steve and Tony run towards Thanos, but suddenly, Thanos has the ENTIRE fucking Gauntlet collected. He draws a rainbow in the air, and Steve and Tony start making out as Thanos stares into the camera and says "Gay Rights." before ANNIHILATING Hawkeye with a fucking wave of blood and saying "guess it's that time of the fuckin' month."



Tony and Steve stop kissing when Cap says "wait wtf, Disney doesn't allow this" before Thanos says "Fuck Disney", and yanks the Disney castle out of the sky, throwing pieces of it everywhere and KO'ing the Avengers.



We then see Thanos in a clown suit L-Dancing in front of the Obama Home, yelling.



Obama gets out of the house and says "Nacho Dorto?", offering Thanos a bag of "Dorto's", which is just Doritos with the "i" crossed out.

Thanos grabs the bag, reaches in, and pulls an oddly colored Dorito, when suddenly, Obama's eyes glow green.

"You have touched the cursed Dorto." he says.



Suddenly, Mack from Cars™ crashes into Thanos. He teleports away.



Thanos ends up in some random guy's house and starts overdosing on gummy vitamins.



He doesn't feel so good.



Thanos turns the bottle over and reads the nutrition facts.



5% AIDS.

4% Shit.

9% Crack Needle.



"Shit. In the vitamins? Why the fuck-"



Thanos starts vomiting intense blood. "Fuck, man, they got Ebola in this shit too? Damn."



Thanos tries to heal with the gauntlet, but his joints start locking up.



"These bitches got arthritis in em too?"



Thanos snaps his fingers and eliminates all illnesses with the gauntlet.

He receives the Nobel Peace Prive, but at the ceremony, he starts pissing fucking everywhere and says "Guess it's the Nobel Piss Prize now" before snapping his fingers and ending half of all life, including my Blu-Ray player's existence.