“As the thought of Dota, it appears only when actuality is already there cut and dried and after its process of patch formation has been completed. The teaching of the concept, which is also previous patch’s inescapable lesson, is that it is only when actuality is mature that the ideal first appears over against the real and that the ideal apprehends the same real world in its substance and builds it up for itself into the shape of an intellectual, balanced realm. When Dota paints its balance nyctimenetically, then has a shape of life, of game grown old — by Dota’s balance in balance cannot be rejuvenated, but only understood; the owl of the patch spreads its wings only with the falling of the dusk.”

—D. I. Frog, Philosophy of Dota

With that quote in mind here are 9 patch changes r/Dota2 would make:

9. MMR points reworked

Match Making Rating points awarded at end of each ranked game now scale inversely with popularity of hero played.

8. Upvote-downvote system implemented for in-game actions

Players can now upvote and downvote everything a teammate does in game. Once a player reaches a sufficiently low score, his chat and microphone will be muted. Post-game item drop rate will be affected by overall votes.

7. Mandatory Support Play

Two players from each team will be assigned to play support. These players can only buy items from a limited approved support shop list. Their hero loses movement speed for every second they do not have a TP in inventory. If their team does not have wards placed on the map, an item from their Dota 2 steam inventory is randomly deleted.

6. Patch Voting

Both teams at the start of the game now vote on which Dota 2 patch they would like to play the game on.

5. Real Life Comeback Mechanic

Gold earned in kills and assists now takes into consideration the real life net worth of both players based on aggregate steam inventory worth and computer hardware specifications.

4. In-game Pitchforking

Every hero now has the option of wielding a cosmetic pitchfork. When raised, it plays a loud audio effect exponentially amplified by every other raised pitchfork, but ultimately does nothing.

3. Dynamic Balance Changes

Client searches Reddit and sorts all heroes based on number of r/Dota2 complaints. The top five heroes in this ranking cannot use their ultimates.

2. TI5 Ticket Scalping Discouraged

Any person who purchased a TI5 ticket and attempts to re-sell the ticket will receive a strongly worded letter that expresses the community’s disapproval of their actions. The letter and envelope will be laced with anthrax.

1. DDOS Protection

Uninstalls Skype.