Salt Lake City

For some reason — cowardice? hackery?— the liberal media elites still won’t acknowledge the giant elephant in the elections room: The “Mormon Question.”

To a secular humanist outsider with little understanding of Mormonism beyond South Park, the Church of Latter-Day Saints looks like another Jesus cult for suburban hillbillies; HerbaLife meets the Moral Majority with a dash of the Moonie thing.

The truth is, as last night's Romney debate victory reminded us, there’s a 50-50 chance it ain’t going away. We’re about a month away from electing a Mormon to the presidency, and everyone’s still pretending like the whole “Mormon Thing” doesn’t really matter, because after all, we’re a rational democracy with a rational electorate, sipping our tea in our three-pointed hats while discussing the Rights of Man.

Except that President Romney won’t be sipping tea with us, because the Prophet Joseph Smith got a message from the Mormon gods that “hot drinks” are evil—and that includes your tea, Mr. Jefferson.

Still, thanks to a loophole that the Elders just found a few weeks ago, President Romney can now pop open a Diet Coke for our discussion. Apparently, the interplanetary wires got crossed: it turns out that for the past 180 years, the Mormon Elders misinterpreted Joseph Smith’s vision that he received back in 1833 regarding caffeine. And the timing couldn’t have been better: Romney had been caught on several occasions during the summer campaign holding a can of Diet Coke -- because after all, how can you call yourself an American and at the same time call Coca-Cola evil?

A better question of course is, “What other weird-ass shit does this guy believe? Cuz I wanna know before he controls the fate of the world, dontcha think?!”

Before I explain the Mormon Church’s Coca-Cola switcheroo, keep in mind the underlying point here: The Romney family is not only Mormon aristocracy, tracing their ancestors all the way back to the time of Joseph Smith—but they’re also deeply devout Mormon believers.

Mitt’s dad George Romney, back when he was considered a presidential contender, openly admitted then that the Mormon Church was the greatest influence on his worldview. Sure, George Romney was mostly a pretty cool, liberal guy—until the Church Elders called on him to be an asshole. That’s why, in 1980, when the Equal Rights Amendment was coming down to the wire, George Romney shocked his fellow moderates when he denounced supporters of the ERA as “moral perverts.” And then repeated it again, just in case everyone wasn’t clear on where he stood — and where the Church of Latter-Day Saints stood — on equal rights for women.

Let me repeat that again, because your secular-humanist mind will probably want to gloss over that and dismiss its relevance: Mitt Romney's liberal father, more avowedly-liberal than Mitt ever was, denounced supporters of equal rights for women as "moral perverts." Because the Church of Latter-Day Saints told him to. Still think that Mitt's Mormon faith is not relevant?

Mitt, as you may recall, served as a Bishop in Massachusetts in the 80s and early 90s; Mitt has also donated an enormous amount of Bain Capital wealth to the LDS Church—along with his fellow Mormon partners with whom Mitt founded Bain Capital. And Mitt Romney has, as far as we know, stayed true to Church doctrine and practice—right down to his choice in beverages.

So, you secular humanists outside Salt Lake City ought to pay attention to the Mormon “Caffeine War” that was settled last month, because it was quite a big deal out here—still is, in fact, sparking a rare protest movement at BYU.

It goes like this: In February 27, 1833, the Prophet Joseph Smith was just minding his business in the town of Kirtland, Ohio, when suddenly the gods appeared to him with another revelation. (Mormon gods have a saying: “As Ohio goes, so go the gods of other planets.”) This revelation is now called “Section 89” in the “Doctrines and Covenants”—a collection of Smith’s revelations and visions that stands equal to the Book of Mormon.

Now the one thing most people don’t quite grasp about Mormons is that for them, the Book of Mormons and “Doctrines and Covenants” is the “Newest Testament”. What the New Testament is to Christians, the Book of Mormon and “Doctrines & Covenants” are to Mormons; what the Old Testament is to Christians, the New Testament is to Mormons. Got that?

In middle school math, those equations would look like this:

Christians : New Testament :: Mormons : Book of Mormon Christians : Old Testament :: Mormons : New Testament Christians : Book of Mormon :: Jews : New Testament

Okay, getting back to the Mormons’ Pepsi Challenge:

Joseph Smith’s food revelation began like this:

“A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland [!]...Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation...”

Are you ready? Here it is:

“...hot drinks are not for the body or belly.”

So, now the question is, what are these “hot drinks” that the gods denounced? For 180 years, no one had any doubt: “Hot drinks” were tea and coffee, and tea and coffee meant caffeine, ie, stimulants. But the nice thing about this revelation is that when the anti-Coca-Cola thing became a potential problem for Romney-2012, a modern literal interpretation provided a way out. So “hot drinks” became, literally, “hot drinks.”

At the end of August, the LDS Church hastily issued this “clarification,” as reported in the Salt Lake Tribune:

'Maybe now, reporters, bloggers, outsiders and even many Mormons will accept that the Utah-based LDS Church does not forbid cola drinking. On Wednesday, the LDS Church posted a statement on its website saying that "the church does not prohibit the use of caffeine" and that the faith’s health-code reference to "hot drinks" "does not go beyond [tea and coffee]." A day later, the website wording was slightly softened, saying only that "the church revelation spelling out health practices ... does not mention the use of caffeine.'

Softened or not softened, the “clarification” only bred cynicism in the hearts of some devout Mormons, as this letter-to-the-editor a few days later shows:

'Even though Smith’s revelation said "hot drink," hot obviously wasn’t the issue, since other hot drinks are OK (herbal tea, hot cocoa and Postum). If hot wasn’t the reason, what is? Ah hah! — caffeine; hence, the slur on Coke, Pepsi, et al. But if, as we’ve just learned, it’s not because of caffeine, we’re left wondering why the coffee ban? The bans on booze and cigarettes are understandable, but now there’s no rationale for coffee, except, of course: Because God said so. Like kids, adults hate that answer. If we’re abstaining from coffee just because God commanded it, why aren’t we similarly obsessed about eating meat "sparingly" or not at all, as also commanded. Clearly, we’re selective in what we obey. This new twist doesn’t make anything clearer, except guilt-free Coke drinking.'

Now, most secular-humanist media elitists out there will read this and dismiss it all with a sneer, because for them this sort of suburban-hick religious babble isn’t going to win any Gerald R. Ford Prizes for Journalism Excellence. They can’t look clever taking this sort of thing seriously, so they just airbrush out of reality and pretend it’s not happening, for the simple reason that it can’t possibly matter as they move on to the things they’re sure do matter—such as “the likeability factor” or whatever moronic “factor” the secular media elites are blathering about today.

Either they think it’s somehow in bad taste to ask questions about Mitt Romney’s religion and how his beliefs might inform his presidency... or they’re nervous that by bringing it up, it’ll open up the whole can of worms of Obama’s Islamofascism and/or that ugly Jeremiah Wright episode. Or there’s an even simpler explanation: The media elites just aren’t interested in Mormonism, no matter how much it may have informed Mitt Romney’s worldview.

The secular-humanists made the same mistake with Reagan in 1980, and again with Dubya in 2000: They refused to take the crazy-religious thing seriously, because it smacked of anti-intellectualism and brought the whole level of discourse down a few notches from their college Comp Lit 101 seminars that they loved so much. Not that we should expect secular-elites to learn their lessons from the past—for as Santayana famously said, “He who forgets the past, is bound to keep his job as a New York Times columnist.”

Well folks, I’ve got bad news for you. The Mormon thing is real, very real. Like it or not, Mitt Romney’s worldview has been framed by and informed by the Mormon Church to a degree you people cannot possibly fathom. He was a bishop, for chrissakes. He studied at BYU; his first cousin was one dead Mormon away from being in direct contact with Elohim.

Come November, there’s about a 50/50 chance that we’re all going to have to have to deal with it whether it’s beneath us or not.

So before you get “Mugged by Moroni” as it were, NSFWCORP offers a Gentile’s Cheat-Sheet to prepare for the Last Days and the dawn of the Mormon Reich, or “Eleven Reasons Why A Mormon President Should Have You Shitting In Your Un-Magical Underwear”:

"The White Horse Prophecy": Since the days of Joseph Smith, Mormons believe that if and when a Mormon is elected president of the United States, it will herald the Last Days, the return of Jesus Christ (to a Jackson County, Missouri corn field), and the start of a Mormon Reich in which Mormons will rule the Earth, whether we Gentiles like it or not. The whole thing takes place “when the Constitution is hanging by a thread”—which clearly presages the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold Obamacare. Mayans, Shmayans—time to throw out your coffee, and load up on Diet Coke, folks. “The Blood Oath of Vengeance” or “blood oath": From the 1840s through the early 1900s, every serious Mormon male was required to take a ceremonial “Oath of Vengeance” vow in a Mormon temple, vowing vengeance against the United States for the murder of Joseph Smith in 1844. When the “blood oath of vengeance” first became public in 1903, Congress held hearings to see if the new members from the new state of Utah had taken a vow to draw blood from people of the United States. Here is the ceremonial vow that all Mormon males took, as recorded in the Spokesman Review in a 1904 article: “The next obligation was that of retribution, in which each person covenanted and promised to 'ask God to avenge the blood of Joseph Smith upon this nation [ie: upon the United States] ...and to teach our children and our children’s children to do the same to the end of the earth.'” “Law of Consecration”— Mormons don’t take the “Oath of Vengeance” anymore, but they do take the “Law of Consecration” oath—and Mitt Romney has taken this oath too. The “Law of Consecration” is a vow to always put the laws of the Mormon Church first and foremost, above all other laws, when called upon. Here’s the vow Mitt Romney made: “You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the law of consecration as contained in this, The Book of Doctrine and Covenants, in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion.” “The Mormon War”: Harold Bloom may call Mormonism “The American Religion” but it’s also the only religion that fought an open war with the United States of America. Not even bad ol’ Islam can claim that it went to war with the USA—but Mormons did. Indeed, the first Republican Party presidential candidate ran on a platform against two things: Against slavery, and against polygamy. The Utah War of 1857 wasn’t much of a war, because when it came down to it, Brigham Young chickened out. Instead of fighting mano-a-mano against the United States federal forces, Brigham Young instead ordered the wholesale massacre of well over 100 Americans emigrating from Arkansas to California... “The Mountain Meadows Massacre”: — Brigham Young ran all over Utah in 1857 talking up the “blood oath” against the United States, but when federal forces came, instead of drawing blood from armed Americans, he ordered Mormon militias to dress up like Indians and massacre close to 150 American civilians, most of them children, in perhaps the single worst massacre of Americans in the 19th century. “Utah is the Fraud capital of America”: That’s a quote from the Wall Street Journal. Fraud has historically been such a problem in Utah that a special branch of the SEC was set up in Salt Lake City to deal with the deluge of fraud, ponzi schemes, penny stock scams and the like. They say they cleaned it up. Yeah, and whiskey-guzzling monkeys are flying out of Brigham Young’s butt. Mormons killed the Equal Rights Amendment in 1980: No joke. Right when it was on the verge of passing. Even Mitt Romney’s “liberal” father, George Romney, fell in line in 1980 and denounced ERA supporters as “moral perverts.” “Lying for the Lord”: Mormon religion sanctions lying to Gentiles in the service of the Church. Even Brigham Young once bragged: “We have the greatest and smoothest liars in the world.” Utah County is the most Republican county in the most Republican state in the union: Also, Utah County the highest birthrate of any county in America—a higher birthrate even than Bangladesh's. Oh, and Utah County has the highest incidence of fraud and scams in the state known as the “fraud capital of America.” There have been two examples of Mormons in the top executive seat running their own mostly-autonomous region, neither ended well: The first time was when Joseph Smith ran a city-state in Illinois in the early 1840s; he turned it into a military dictatorship and “theocracy” in which all power was vested in his hands, he destroyed the one printing press that dared criticize him, and was eventually murdered by a mob of outraged (and cuckolded) Illinois gentiles. The second example was when Brigham Young ran Utah at a time when it was out of reach of the United States. Brigham Young turned Utah into a “theocracy,” massacred innocent American civilians, and sold his underwear monopoly under the guise of “magic Mormon underwear.” Mormon Authoritarianism: “When the prophet speaks, the debate is over”. All Mormons are expected to fall in line. And they do.

Harold Bloom says that the day will come in the next few decades where America will not be able to function without Mormon consent. Harold Bloom also predicted that when this happens, the Mormons will bring back polygamy, because polygamy is really the very heart of Mormonism.

The problem here of course is Harold Bloom: As in, if Romney wins, we’ll have to endure that rancid old blowhard’s bullshit on a scale you can’t possibly imagine, to the point where you will actually welcome the Mormon Apocalypse.