Smart Clothing: The day will come when this is not an oxy-moron.

I watched a video the other day (at work, where else?) about this shirt that could practically do everything Siri is supposed to do. It was a humorous short viewing (I love the “when you fall asleep in a meeting” scene) but at the end it left me wondering if I could scroll down and buy the thing.

You can’t. It’s a marketing joke, and it worked – I’m interested. (But your pants are too tight for me, and it’s not because I’m out of shape.)

This led me on a quest to discover if such clothing existed elsewhere and was available to the general public. This is what I found.

“Smart” Gloves

AiQ ranks pretty well (try #1) for “smart clothing” on Google, so I browsed their inventory. [Not impressed fake-smile.] Get this – for just “it doesn’t say because it’s probably a ridiculous amount of money,” you can buy a pair of microfiber something-or-other gloves that not only let you type on your smartphone while wearing them (how handy and dandy), but they are made of stainless steel. Fiber.

If you couldn’t already tell, I’m not impressed. You had me goin’ there.

“Smart” Lights

On your jacket. You know if you need to ride your bike at night like everyone else does and want to look like a deranged Christmas ornament in July. They turn on when the sun goes down? How ingenius. Yeah, not buying it. Literally.

Heating Clothes

According to the same company, this means smart. Yeah, who knew a machine could heat something? A Cornell student developed this light up, heat up wearable. Wow. Wow again. Okay, happy?

Bio-Measuring Clothing

Nike rolled out their smart, active wristband thingy. It’s great for things like counting how many steps you’ve stepped in a day – really useful stuff like that, which are really important. Really. Important. I think I’m going to go buy one. I really need to know that stuff.

Anti-Radiation

I’m not making this up. A jumper/skirt type of thing is perfect for those weekend getaways when all you want to do is explore nearby abandoned leaky nuclear reactors. I’m gonna get two in case I visit Chernobyl (or Fukushima).

“Smart” Shoes

Nike recently came out with sneakers that track your running, walking, throwing them down the stairs, etc. That data syncs to an electronic device and gives you some mind-blowing, never before seen stats. It’s so amazing. So. Amazing.

The Telepathic Helmet

The U. S. Army is now testing a “thought helmet” designed to facilitate telepathic non-verbal communication between soldiers (which would really screw up war movie dialogue – I thought Crouching Tiger had awkward subtitles). Supposedly this is done by connecting an indefinite number of wires to your head and measuring your temple pulses. Let’s hope they get this right before they roll it out. Who knows if two beats and a jaw squeeze means something different to me than it does to you? (I know for me that means, “Please pass the salad dressing.” For you, it could be, “I don’t like green eggs and ham.”) This is serious business.

The Proximity Shirt

Apparently a “proximity shirt” is being worked on for those serious hide-and-seekers among us. I would enjoy buying a pair with matching sound effects of the Michael Myers theme song and blood curdling screams. This could become an essential household item.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “What? I expected cooler things than that by now.” I know, I was thinking the same thing.

There will come a day when winking your eye will tie your shoes, your fly will zipper for you, clothes will automatically change color to match, and there will be dresses that make any woman look like she’s about to walk down the red carpet (for those awkward husband and wife moments).

I don’t know how old I’ll be when this happens, but judging by the last example in the previous paragraph, I do not have long for this world.

A former Internet Marketing Manager, Joe Cunningham is a screenwriter, playwright and all-around adventurer. He blogs for Kinani Blue, charms Google at Terakeet and enjoys running through the city. You can follow him on Twitter at @IndianaJoe77 or he can be reached at indianajoe77@gmail.com.

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