Libby Hill

Los Angeles Times

Jon Stewart returned to “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” Tuesday night to share inside information about President Donald Trump’s upcoming executive orders.

It was Stewart’s first appearance on the show since the eve of the 2016 election, when he participated in an elaborate musical number to get out the vote.

For Tuesday’s show, Stewart appeared in attire inspired by the inauguration, with an overly long red tie and a dead animal strapped to his head.

Stewart shared upcoming executive orders with Colbert: A scheme that involved China shipping the U.S. the Great Wall C.O.D. and tricking Mexico into signing for it, and a second order introducing an official, if offensive, language for the country.

Stewart couldn’t help but deliver an aside to his old friend Colbert: “It has been 11 days, Stephen. Eleven (expletive) days. The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.”

Stewart then returned to his presidential character, reading one final executive order.

“The reason I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting is because every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse of power,” he said. “I want — no, deserve — not just your respect, but your adoration. Parades with the tanks and the synchronized dancing, and why can’t they train 10,000 doves to spell out ‘Trump’ in the clouds? How hard can it be, they’re already flying?”

“It is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, Donald J. Trump, from going full Palpatine with the lightning coming out of the fingertips,” Stewart said, referencing the villainous emperor of the original “Star Wars” trilogy.

“We have never faced this before. Purposeful, vindictive chaos,” Stewart said pointedly. “But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of I, Donald J. Trump’s presidency.”

“And if we ... somehow come through this presidency calamity-less and constitutionally partially intact, then I Donald J. Trump will have demonstrated the greatness of America, just not the way I thought I was gonna.”