Are we sex addicts, or just terrible people? Are our obese children going to live into adulthood, or are we just terrible people? Are those eyelashes real, or are you a terrible person? Science has answers. Bad answers.

Sex addiction: a real psychological disorder, or just something David Duchovny says, for fun? It's a question that's divided psychiatrists and health professionals ever since the first psychiatrist used it as an excuse for having an affair. "Patterns of extreme sexual acting out are described variously by therapists as an addiction, as a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder or as a symptom of another psychiatric illness, such as depression." Thanks for nothing, therapists.

New research indicates that obesity in children as young as three can lead to heart disease later in life. Also, minorities are at a higher risk of childhood obesity. But there is hope: "Researchers found an almost 40% lower prevalence of obesity among 4-year-olds who had regular family dinners at least six times a week, slept a minimum of 10.5 hours each weeknight and watched no more than two hours of television or videos every weekday." In the future, only white shut-ins with sleeping sickness will avoid fat-related heart attack deaths at 25.

Many men may not be aware just how much time and money women spend on their eyelashes. I mean, it is insane—eyelashes! Hundreds and thousands of dollars on beauty potions and wonder drugs and color spackles and flyswatter extensions. On eyelashes! Save your money, ladies! What is next, men spending money to have their eyebrows waxed? We have bigger problems, America.

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