Trying to keep up with the Bachelor whilst in New Orleans attached a whole host of existential problems to this week’s instalment of the recap… Not only are the lights of the Harrah’s casino across the road from the Westin New Orleans as devilishly appealing looking as the forbidden fruit from The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, but the large crispy shrimp Po’boy that I am currently driving down my gullet makes watching television and synthesizing coherent thoughts quite a daunting prospect. This is before I even mention the relentless heart attack medication and Asbestos compensation commercials that have me wondering if I’ll even make it out of the Bayou! These slight hindrances aside, I will endeavor to fight past the serpentine slot machines, counteract the artery-clogging qualities of the Po’boy with a single leaf of lettuce, and not expose myself to any unnecessary atrioventricular or environmental harm by remaining firmly parked in the chaise longue from which I am currently writing. Take that bassline out; it’s the hard knock life!

There are certain moments in history that have become inextricably linked with the words that have been used to describe them. “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind;” “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country;” “Shorty had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur)” to name just a few. It’s a real shame that FDR already deployed the iconic infamy line after Pearl Harbor, because holy shit the release of this latest episode can only be described as another “day that will live in infamy.”

For all of you Sound of Music fans out there, let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start) and address just how little Victoria F resembles a female deer or a drop of golden sun. Her solo date with Peter to the Cedar Point amusement park started off in a fairly benign manner. All I could think about for the ride portion was how mad I would be if I was the guy at Cedar Point who had to open up every goddamn ride for these two reality T.V. plastics to come and fuck around at my theme park all day. That and Peter’s excellently timed dad jokes about the safety of the boomerang ride… Then there was the one we’ve all been waiting for; the free marketing that Top Gun 2 didn’t know they were missing. I am of course talking about the skirmish between Maverick Pilot Peter and Riceman. As a bit of a country music enthusiast, I can name approximately 450 other artists who are in a similar league to Chase Rice who would have been equally, if not more equipped to play the intimate gig in his place; the look on Victoria F’s face when she saw him however vindicated the producers’ choice completely. How incredibly fitting that Chase Rice’s second studio album was titled Lambs and Lions – Victoria was a lamb to his leonine slaughter in this instance and looked about as comfortable as Pontius Pilate shuffling up to the Pearly Gates on Judgement Day!

What a shitty deal for Chase also, especially after Victoria prefaced the post-mortem of the situation by claiming that: “Peter is the kind of guy you marry.” I’m sure that Mr Rice has as many options on the shelf as Uncle Ben, but that one has still got to sting a little! Victoria ultimately reached into her Poppins-esq. bag of tricks after dinner, turned on the waterworks, and managed to finagle a rose out of her bachelor and Peter once again proved that his only antidote to the poisonous bite of female tears is to make out with the offending sobber. A rather anti-climactic ending to an otherwise highly dramatic day.

I’m not quite sure what the director of the Cleveland Tourism Board had to do to Chris Harrison to get the Bachelor to The Land for an entire episode, but I can only assume that if his wife ever finds out, she’s probably going to go all Elin Nordegren with a 4-iron on his ass! Of all the places on God’s great earth… I will say, the city did come across as eminently livable, the people friendly, and the soap box races absolutely electric, but “Cleveland is really one of the best kept secrets?” Maybe for those looking to accelerate the speed of their loans? Maybe if you’re looking to snag a couple of free bud lights after 2-years of abject on-football-field performance? I would imagine that the girls would have fallen into neither bucket!

Cleveland was however the location for the inaugural Bachelor Bowl, an event I pray that they revamp next year.

A few takeaways from the football game:

Victoria P needs to toughen up a little bit and Peter needs to reacquaint himself with some of the fundamentals of the above-waist female anatomy. Victoria chose to sit out the football game due to a BACK injury that had startling shades of bone spurs and Peter chose to alleviate her back pain by giving her a nice shoulder rub coupled with a kiss… Christian science would have been more effective!

Sydney really runs the hell out of an offense… Occasionally you could see her get behind on the snap-count and mistime the jet-sweep to Hannah Ann, but all in all a commanding performance under center. I think it would be remiss if I didn’t give a major shout out to Shiann as well, who really lived up to her preseason billing as an every-down, cowbell back that runs ANGRY. She pounded the rock and then proceeded to pound all of the vodka sodas at the 13-deep group date when she saw Peter leaving with Victoria.

There were some truly bone-crushing hits during the game, most of which were on my sweet princess Hannah Ann. Please be nicer to her in future, she’s fragile in mind and in body.

“I’m so fricking excited, I love football, I love contact sports, I’m going to tackle a lot of bitches” is something that you might expect to hear out of the mouth of a bloodthirsty Ray Lewis in his murderous prime. Nope, this was scrappy Tammy again displaying her love for getting down and dirty in the trenches and making the case once more that her talents would have been put to better use by Sam Mendes as an extra in 1917. No doubt the deleted scenes include targeting fouls, horse-collar tackles, spears, clips, chop blocks and maybe some illegal touching on the sidelines.

Nothing gets Bachelor nation going like a villain, and Alayah is playing her part more than admirably. Alayah? More like can I get A HELL YEAH if you ask me! It was teased at the end of last week that she would be coming back, but when her dreamy figure floated up the stairs to reacquaint herself with 13 war-weary girls and Peter, the drama was ratcheted up another notch. A room has never experienced that level of shock since the 1995 annual White House interns’ slumber party when it rolled around to Monica Lewinsky’s turn in a game of “I-have-but-I-bet-you-haven’t!” The proverbial cat is back amongst the pigeons and the fact that Alayah got invited back into the house, snatched a rose despite not being on the date and is already twisting the other girls into complicated emotional knots is truly a sight to behold. Alayah cuts a sympathetic figure, but her Machiavellian streak, emboldened by Peter’s inability to make any kind of executive decisions, is becoming the focus of the season and I absolutely love it.

While we were denied a rose ceremony at the end, a season that was listing lazily into obscurity is now categorically and unapologetically back. Let’s ride.

P.S. Hannah Ann did all of the Sonic commercials – such versatility