I think I’ve barely slept the past two days.

And it’s not even from spending so much time on the phone with Tam and Jasper. Timezones help with that.

It’s just… feeling so freaking stressed and sick about this whole thing. It’s killing me.

But not even half as much as it’s killing the two of them.

It’s just hard being stuck in the middle of it all. And I know they both feel like shit about that too. Literally every time I talk to either of them, they start apologizing for it. But it’s not their fault.

Jasper’s my brother. Tam’s my best friend. And of course I’m gonna be there for them through this whole thing.

It just… It really fucking sucks.

I guess this shouldn’t have come as such a huge shock though, right? I knew things were getting bad for a while now.

It was like I was watching them get pulled in two different directions.

Jasper was focusing so hard on getting good grades and making new friends….

And Tam was focusing on his DJ gigs and running his game groups…

It’s like they got lost in their own little worlds. And it put so much stress on both of them.

They both see that now, I think. At least a little.

But the other night, Jasper fucked things up really, really bad.

I guess there was some party one of his friends was having. And he really wanted Tam to go with him. But Tam didn’t want to.

They said it turned into some big thing about Jasper always picking his friends over Tam, and Tam never wanting to hang out with Jasper’s friends… They got into a huge fight about it.

Then Jasper stormed off to the party.

And had way too much to drink…

Jasper swears he didn’t do anything more than make out with the guy. He stopped it before it got any further. He said he felt so guilty.

He was drunk and panicking and didn’t know what to do… So he ended up going straight home, waking Tam up, and telling him what happened.

Probably not the best way of handling things… I think it just made things even worse. And Tam wasn’t nearly as forgiving as Jasper thought he’d be.

Tam says it was about a lot more than just the cheating though. We talked about it last night. “This shit’s been wearing me down for months, Phee,” he said. “This was just the kill shot. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

And I get it. I really do. Shit like what they went through can weigh on you for a long time. Sometimes you don’t even realize it. Then one day it all blows up in your face. And it ruins everything.

I guess it’s hard to say where things are gonna go from here.

Tam told me he and Jasper had a long talk yesterday after they had some time to calm down. And they finally ended up on the same page. They still love each other, but things just weren’t working anymore. And after what Jasper did… well, Tam doesn’t feel like he can trust him. And Jasper gets that.

So they’ve decided to put things on hold for now. Go their separate ways for a while, and see what happens.

“A break,” they’re calling it.

But for how long?

I guess that’s the one thing the two of them are still trying to agree on.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve got this feeling they’re just calling it a ‘break’ because they’re too scared to call it a break up…

But who knows? Maybe they really can work it out.

It sounds like things were getting pretty bad, even before what Jasper did. They could probably both use some time to reflect a little… And then either decide to give it another chance, or just move on.

I don’t think either of them really knew how to deal with any of the shit that was going on between them. They said they tried talking about it, but it always led to some kind of big fight. It sounds like they both helped make things worse… And I don’t even think they realized it. Not til it was too late.

I know that no matter what, they both still love each other though. There’s no question about that. And I’m pretty sure that’s what’s killing both of them the most.

But I think that’s what a lot of people don’t realize… Love isn’t enough by itself. It’s one of the first things I learned when I took Relationship Psychology last year. There’s so much more that you need for a happy, healthy relationship than just love. And if you’re missing one of those pieces… Well, one day, everything’s just gonna fall apart.

I know I probably sound like a textbook or something right now. Getting all analytical and shit… I guess it’s just hard to 100% separate myself from that side of things. Even with Jasper and Tam.

And it kinda gets me thinking… What if they’d studied relationships and psychology the way I have? Could they have spotted the warning signs sooner? Could they have found a better ways to communicate about their problems? Would Jasper still have cheated? Could they have figured things out without having to resort to this ‘break’?

I dunno. Maybe not.

They always say that “Love is blind”. But honestly I think it’s more like “Love is a pair of blinders.” If you love somebody enough, it’s so easy to ignore all the problems. You can brush them off and convince yourself everything’s okay, or that it’s gonna get better… But you’re really just lying to yourself.

It reminds me of this quote I heard once — “When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”

I’ve been thinking about that quote a lot lately. Maybe even before this whole thing with Jasper and Tam…

This is just a lot for me to take. Especially now. I’m still feeling all this stupid stress about that fight Gigi and I had the other night too.

I know I told her we should forget it ever happened… but that just doesn’t seem right. So I tried bringing it up again last night. But she just brushed it off and told me she doesn’t wanna talk about it.

Doesn’t she get it though? We can’t just leave it like that. That’s exactly the kind of thing Tam and Jasper did. And look at what happened to them…

Ugh. I dunno…

It’s just really getting to me, I guess.

Gigi and I are going back to Germany pretty soon for Christmas… And as excited as I am to see my family again, I’m kind of dreading going back home too.

I have a feeling Tam and Jasper still won’t have this thing figured out by then… Or worse — maybe they’ll have decided to just call it quits for good?

Either way, it’s gonna be so freaking awkward. And sad.

But I guess it’ll feel good to be able to see them again too… even if it’s separately. And I can’t wait to give each of them a real, in-person hug, y’know?

I know they could both really, really use one right now.

And honestly? I probably could too.

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Note: Credit for that awesome quote about the rose-colored glasses goes to one of my favorite shows ever, BoJack Horseman. Couldn’t resist throwing that in there! 😛