Some days are harder than others. This week has been extremely difficult for me because I am not feeling intimate or affectionate at all.

How do people do it? How can people go from being at work all day to being completely normal when they go home, ready to cook or clean or run errands? How can people not feel overwhelmed during intimate moments when they have had a long day?

My heart breaks for my fiance because it is all my fault that we aren’t intimate. Everything is my fault. I feel like a failure more than half of the time. First, I can’t have sex. Second, any form of intimacy and affection is difficult for me. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s almost like a burden. Third, he is frustrated and depressed because of the lack of affection, yet I have a hard time providing it and I don’t understand why.

My fiance is amazing. I certainly don’t deserve his patience or the love he gives. He is caring and understanding that we can’t have sex, but when I take away affection from him, I feel like I just become a leech. I’m unwillingly taking away all the good parts of a relationship and he is left feeling empty, alone and insecure on the inside. Being such a romantic, he needs that affection. Any good partner deserves affection, especially if they can’t have sex.

I try hard to provide it, but some days, like this week, I’m that awful leech…Why would anyone want to be with me? This is a question that I ask myself far too often.

Some days I am fine with kissing, cuddling, massages and being romantic, but other days I’m distant and would much rather be on my own watching a show or browsing the internet.

On the days where I’m distant, I know he becomes sad and insecure. In the moment, I just become frustrated because I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling and, on top of that, I can’t help but feel guilty for not being able to have sex with him and show him the love that I truly feel for him.

Vaginismus won’t leave me alone. It’s always with me, bringing me down and making me feel inadequate as a partner and as a woman. How is it possible that a person can’t even do a simple act that all things on planet earth can do? It’s something so natural, but yet I struggle with it. The worst part about all of this is that I’m bringing down my fiance with me. He doesn’t deserve to go through my mess and baggage. He doesn’t deserve to have no intimacy for long periods of time. I don’t deserve him.

I watch movies and TV shows where people have sex and show affection to one another. Some days it turns my stomach, but other days I envy how easy it looks.

What is wrong with me?

Facebook is even becoming too much for me to view because I envy all of the couple’s who make intimacy look easy. I envy everyone who can have pain free sex with their partner. I envy those who aren’t constantly crying inside because they want to be able to experience something so natural with the person they love.

I want my fiance to be happy. I want him to know that I love him unconditionally. I want to find a way for affection to be easy for me. I want to find a way to have sex with my fiance.

All day today, I was distant with him, then right before bed, I cried to him saying, “I miss you. I miss being close to you and intimate. I miss having sex with you.” Whenever I say that, he just gives me a kiss on the forehead and with a smile, but with sadness and longing in his eyes, says, “I know,” or “me too.”

Even if sex hurts, I still miss the closeness you feel afterwards with that person. It’s unfair to me that many women take advantage of sex and here I am, crying my eyes out, wishing I could have sex period.

For all of you guys who wanted to be with me, aren’t you glad you dodged a huge bullet?