It was a quiet day in good ol' Texas. Ted Cruz lounged on a wooden rocking chair on the front porch of his house, staring at the expanse of grass before him, slurping up a heaping bowl of his beloved Campbell's Chunky Soup. It was the Hearty Beef Noodle variety. He breathed a relaxed sigh.

"Ahh," he yodeled. "Nothing better than being a straight white upper class Christian man in the United States of America and oppressing the rights of anyone who isn't."

Ted's daughter waltzed through the door to join her daddy on the front porch.

"I love butter," she told her father.

Ted smiled. "I know you do, Caroline."

Heidi Cruz joined her family outside as well. "Hey, sexy," she moaned, seeing Ted sitting there looking all sexy.

Ted shot to his knees. "God, have mercy on the soul of my wife. Forgive her sinful speech."

"Ah yes," Heidi said. "Forgive me, God. I forgot that we swore a vow of abstinence. I often regret it though, seeing my husband."

Suddenly, Ted's phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID and immediately answered the call.

"Ted here."

"Senator Cruz," the voice commanded. "This is the G.U.N. commander. Thank goodness we were able to reach you."

"Before you go any further," Ted interjected, "I need to remind you that America is a Christian nation and that the oppression caused by Muslims and Atheists in this country should not make you afraid to say 'God' instead of 'goodness'. Please continue."

"Senator Cruz," the G.U.N. commander continued. "There is an emergency. It's Doctor Eggman! He is up to no good again. This calls for an emergency meeting of the United States Senate."

"I'll be in Washington faster than a gay man covered in lube," replied Ted.

The commander paused for a moment. "Uh, excuse me?"

"It's a saying here in Texas," Ted clarified. "It means that I will arrive quickly."

"Very well," confirmed the commander before hanging up.

Ted turned to his wife and daughter and placed his towering cowboy hat upon the crown of his head. "I must go. Washington needs me."

The next day, Ted waited in the senate meeting room. He arrived early and was playing an iPhone game.

I love being a real gamer, he thought. It makes me feel in touch with modern day society.

The meeting began as the G.U.N. commander approached the podium, and Ted silenced his iPhone but continued to Sonic Runners.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and Mobians," said the G.U.N. commander in reference to the newly elected senator Silver the Hedgehog. "There is a nationwide emergency."

"Is the emergency that we're still a capitalist nation in which the top 0.1% of the population of this country owns more wealth than the bottom 90% of the population combined?" Bernie Sanders piped in.

"Shut up, Bernie," shouted Silver the Hedgehog. "It was socialism that brought about Iblis in the future I'm from. That's why I became a senator."

"It's Dr. Eggman," the G.U.N. commander continued. "He is trying to give basic human rights to LGBT people, women, racial minorities, and the lower class!"

The Republican senate gasped in horror, except Bernie Sanders, who sat in his seat with a big grin, a tear trickling down his beautiful face. Silver and Tim Kaine half-heartedly cheered alongside him, looking towards him and nodding.

"The Doctor must be stopped!" cried Ted Cruz. "Eggman's heinous plot cannot succeed."

The senate quickly came to an agreement: the only way to stop Eggman is to enlist the help of public. Each Republican senator created an outreach program to enlist willing citizens and Mobians willing to help their cause. Ted had heard of the great track record Sonic and his friends had in taking down Eggman. However, he knew that most of them would never join their cause, being the Libtard cucks that they were. However, he knew that there was but one Mobian who may be able to save America.

Ted prepared for his journey to search out this Mobian. He had to meet with him in person, as there was no other way to contact him. He lived in seclusion, along with his amphibious pet, Froggy. He had no choice but to travel deep into the Mystic Ruins forest to meet with none other than famed libertarian Big the Cat.

Ted immediately booked a flight headed for Station Square. As he waited in line to board his flight, he daydreamed about Chunky Soup. What kind would he eat once he returned from this mission? Naturally Heidi would be greeting him at the door, Campbell's in one hand and a bible in the other. Maybe she would have some butter too.

"Hey, what's your Zodiac sign?"

Ted stood startled at the comment he heard from behind him. Did he dare look behind him? He flushed and became tense.

"My… my what?" Ted replied. He turned to face a young woman reading a newspaper.

"Oh, I was just reading my horoscope. What is your Zodiac sign?" the woman asked.

Ted sighed a breath of relief. His zodiac killing days would be safe for yet another day. He knew that astrology was simply a work of witchcraft frowned upon by all stand-up Christians. However, he had a spike of curiosity, and a few minutes to kill before he reached the front of the first-class boarding line.

"Ah. Well, my birthday is December 22."

"Ooooh Capricorn. It says here that you will soon be met with a night of passion. And that your lucky color is purple!"

"That's preposterous. I don't partake in passionate activities. My wife and I are abstinent for life. Also, looking to the stars for life answers is a vile insult to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We should only be trusting in him for what our lives bring us. Now, be gone woman."

He boarded the plane shortly after.

The plane landed with a screech at the Station Square airport. Before the plane even stopped moving, Ted shot out the door and bolted through the airport towards the city. The train headed to the Mystic Ruins would be departing soon, despite there always seeming to be a train waiting at the station. He entered a train and departed to the jungle soon after.

Once he arrived at the Mystic Ruins, he headed straight for the trees. He inhaled deeply, rested his hands on his hips, then adjusted his cowboy hat and crucifix necklace as he stood on the cliff looking over the vast stretch of tropical trees. He could see some ruins looming above the trees in the distance.

The Mystic Ruins, he thought with a grimace. These weren't inhabited by white people. He swiftly climbed down the ladder and his leather cowboy boots hit the ground with a thud. He reached into his cowboy hat and pulled out a map to orient where he was headed. He imagined how perfect single-handedly taking down Eggman and his liberal ideas would be. The GOP would finally respect him.

Distracted by the pleasant thoughts of a soon-to-be more conservative nation, Ted did not notice the river flowing before him. He tripped and fell face first into the water. When he sat up, his hair was matted and his face was covered in mud. His t-shirt was soaked, and his nipples shone through like weird, perky mountains.

Before he even had a chance to get back up, a colossal, shadowy figure approached. Its arms looked like tree trunks and its legs were so short he could barely even see them. To top it all off, it had no neck at all, but its ears looked like an umbrella.

"Need a hand?" the shadowy figure asked in a booming voice. Big the Cat stepped out of the darkness, his huge, masculine, gloved hand outstretched towards the senator.

Ted's pupils dilated. There was Big the Cat, in all his grandeur. His magnificent purple fur shone in the sunlight, and his muscular abs rippled with swag every time he moved. In his large, feline eyes, Ted could see a passionate man, one who was not afraid to fight for what he believed in. Big's ears flapped in the wind like the wings of a bird, except that he was too muscular to use them to fly. In one hand he carried a Bible, and Ted noticed a fishing rod and a shotgun strapped to his back. The perfect male specimen.

"You are Senator Ted Cruz, correct?" Big asked, his hand still outstretched. Ted simply nodded, as he was at a loss for words. He realized Big's hand was still outstretched and reached his hand out to meet his. When Big's large, firm hand clasped around him, and guided him to his feet, Ted felt a twitch in his pants. He couldn't tell if the moisture was coming from the river he had just fallen in or from his urethra.

"What brings you to these parts, Senator?" Big asked in his deep, stoic voice.

"W-w-washington needs your help," Ted stammered. "There is a nationwide emergency. Dr. Eggman is attacking! He is attempting to give equal rights to people who aren't straight, white Christian males. Only you can stop him."

Big paused and considered his options. Ted could see the gears spinning in his head, but Big only had a one track mind. And on his mind was the man in front of him.

"Why don't we take this back to my place, Senator," Big suggested. "And we can decide what to do from there."

When Big mentioned his house, Ted did not imagine anything more than a shack. He was surprised to learn that Big's shack did not even have a roof.

"You don't have a roof," Ted pointed out.

"I'm aware," replied Big.

The Texas senator's eyes surveyed the interior of the house. The walls were made of leaves and branches. Light shone through the translucent leaves and left a dull, hazy glow inside. To his left, some shelves held a fishing rod and fishing equipment. Leaned up against the adjacent wall were an array of guns: machine guns, shotguns, assault rifles, everything was there. Ted was in awe.

He really is everything the legends say he is, Ted thought.

Just as Ted thought that things could not get any better, his gaze drifted to the opposite wall. His jaw dropped. There, piled up in a vaguely pyramid shape, was exactly 100 cans of soup. Ted felt the crotch of his pants tighten, and his heart skipped a beat. This household was everything he had ever dreamed of. Big the Cat was truly a good, Christian Texan man, and a prime example at that.

Ted heard a noise from behind him. He wheeled around to face the entrance and a weirdly huge frog hopped through the doorway. Ted crossed himself.

"Lord have mercy," he uttered. "What in God's good name is that?"

Big bent over and picked the small amphibian off the ground, his muscular ass rippling as he flexed.

"Oh, this here is my pollywog pal Froggy. He's one in a million."

Just like you, Ted thought. Wait, what? Why did this passionate thought just cross his mind? Surely it was simply in platonic admiration for such a masculine, conservative feline.

Froggy hopped over towards Ted and onto his impressive cowboy boots.

"My apologies, Senator. He is simply very friendly and means ya no harm," Big apologized.

"It's quite alright, Mr. Cat. I am quite fond of amphibians," Ted replied.

Big reached down to pick up his pet. He grasped his warted frog from Ted's large leathered boots. On his way up from the ground, he noticed the large bulge in Ted's pants. He paused to admire it for several seconds before straightening up. Ted surely noticed the pause.

"I, um... admire the craftsmanship of your boots, Senator." stammered Big.

I've never been so hypnotized by quite a bulge, thought Big. But I can't give in to this sudden desire. I'm a strong, straight, Christian man.

"Why thank you, Mr. Cat," replied the Zodiac Killer. "Th-though I'm sure it's not as impressive as any pair you might own."

"Please," Big said politely. "Call me Big. My friends call me 'Fucking Huge'."

"Very well, dadd-I mean Big," Ted stammered.

A bead of sweat trickled from his receding hairline and met the corner of his mouth. Big watched the salty drop race down his face, leading to his plump, pink lips. Big felt the thick weiner hiding under his purple fur start to harden.

"S-so." Big sat on his rustic rocking chair and began to polish his gun, rocking back and forth. "Remind me again. What in the name of heck is going on up in the land of suits and big wigs that needs my expertise?"

Ted's daydreams of intimacy with the feline cleared as he was reminded of the imminent disaster looming upon the nation.

"Ah, of course." Ted cried. "Dr. Eggman is plotting a plan to give equal rights to everyone in the nation! Women! Gays! People of color! Poor people! Jews, Muslims, and atheists! Big, we need you." Ted lowered his voice. "I need you. You've got to help."

Big stared at the lumpy senator that stood in front of him. He inspected him from head to toe. His face was akin to a partially melted action figure. His hair was slicked back with what appeared to be butter. Ted's shirt was as transparent as his ignorance of the lust he felt towards the cat. His nipples were hard enough to cut a Chaos Emerald. His pants were too big for his soggy body. And his cowboy boots, oh, those boots. Any Texan would deny 1,000 women late-term abortions just for the opportunity to try on a pair that fine. Ted gulped as the ferocious feline inspected him like a piece of meat that he wanted to fuck in the ass.

"Hmm." Big pondered. "I know exactly how I can help you, Senator."

He grinned as he stepped towards Mr. Cruz.

Big gently laid Ted down onto the pile of leaves he used as a bed. Ted's cheeks turned bright red as he gazed into the feline's wide, circular eyes. He was confused. He knew that what he was doing was an act against God, but he wanted nothing more than Big's big, furry one-eyed trouser snake nestled in his caboose.

God, forgive me, he thought. He made a mental note to remove even more basic human rights from gay people as soon as he got back to Washington. Thankfully, Ted was straight, so the law would not apply to him.

Big slipped his masculine paws under Ted's damp t-shirt and peeled it off like it was the skin of an orange. Ted whimpered as his soft, lumpy upper body became exposed to the elements. He could feel Big's soft fur tickling his sensitive areolas as their chests brushed up against each other.

Big moved his head in for a kiss and Ted crossed himself before meeting Big's soft, moist lips with passion. Big and Ted closed their eyes as their mouths locked together. Lust filled the air, much like how Big's dick was about to fill Ted's rectum. As Ted's rectum moistened, he could feel the purple feline's erect dong pressed up against his leg. Although Big was big, as his name implied, he laid on top of Ted gently, yet pressed him down firmly. Their fingers interlocked, and Big stretched them out over Ted's head.

"Oh, yes," Ted moaned. "That was so good, daddy."

Big looked uncomfortable. "Uh, I don't think I have a son."

Ted smiled his weird, lopsided smile. "Of course, sorry. It's a saying we have in rural Texas. Fathers frequently engage in intercourse with their children where I come from. It's like a tradition."

"It's such a turn-on when you say intercourse, Ted," Big whispered. "Say it again."

"Intercourse," Ted moaned. He felt Big's cock throb again.

Big ran his hands down Ted's body, gently moving them from his shoulders down to his abdomen. Ted loved how rough and gritty they felt against his bare chest. Big ran his hands back up Ted's torso and cupped his hands over Ted's nipples. Reaching under the bed, Big retrieved a pair of nipple tassels and and use pastie glue to attach them to Ted's bare, perky nipples. Ted shook his chest like a beginner bellydancer who had no idea how to shake his belly, and the tassels flopped about like flaccid chest penises.

Senator Cruz could only imagine what Big was going to do to him next. He started to sweat out of sheer anticipation. He wasn't sure if it was the jungle or the heat radiating from Big's crotch, but he realized that it was suddenly really humid.

Big continued to run his hands up and down Ted's upper body, until eventually they reached his thighs. With one hand on the outside of his left thigh, Big gently clasped Ted's tiny, white, shrivelled penis through his pants. He could feel Ted's salami going more firm by the second. He decided that it was time.

Big retracted his hand and leaned back. He was kneeling over Ted, who was lying on his back, sprawled on the sheets. He grinned at his purple lover. Big smirked back before tearing off his utility belt and dropping it on the wooden floor. Ted stared in awe. Big's chiseled abs glinted in the sunlight and his crotch called out to him like a weird telemarketer trying to sell male enhancement pills to him during dinner. His purple-helmeted warrior of love flopped out and pointed straight at Ted's face like a compass needle. It glinted in the dim light and Ted's retinas almost burned out due to the sheer brilliance of it. His ballsack was the size of Ted's clenched fist and it was so leathery that he would not have been surprised if it could stop a bullet.

"What in God's name is that colossal monster?" Ted asked, awestruck.

"It's my penis," Big replied.

A bead of sweat rolled down Ted's forehead and his breathing quickened. He needed Big's single barreled pump-action bollock inside his recalcitrant asshole, but he was not sure if it would even fit.

"Well, Senator Cruz," Big meowed in a deep, masculine voice. "If you want me to help you stop Eggman, you'll have to earn it."

Big gestured at his ding dang doodle as he said that, and Ted got the message.

They met each other with their moist lips. Ted's one-eyed yogurt slinger was now fully erect, and he rubbed their dicks together like they were two sticks being rubbed together by a marooned sailor on a deserted island. However, the sheer friction of their schlong dongadoodles created a spark that flew and landed on the floor of Big's wooden shack. Before they knew it, the whole place was on fire.

"The house is on fire," Ted pointed out. "It'll be great practice for when I burn in hell for the sins I have committed against the will of God today."

Big did not bother putting the fire out. The only fire was the fire in Big's loins that yearned to spread into Ted's extremely flammable rectal cavity.

As the fire raged around them, Big reached down and stroked Ted's frenulum.

The senator reached out his hand, but Big's gloved hand intercepted it half way. Carefully, Big's hand reached down and pulled off the golden ring around his fourth finger.

"What are you doing?" asked Ted, taken aback.

"There's no need for this," Big replied. Chortling, he tossed the ring aside and it landed with a thud on the ground. The ring fell to the ground right in front of Froggy. Ted watched as the amphibian hopped over to the golden ring and swallowed it whole. But in that moment, all Ted could think about was Big's big fishing rod.

Ted extended his hand once again and grasped Big's extremely girthy shaft. It's diameter was so great that Ted's fingers could not even wrap all the way around it. Ted ran his phalanges up and down Big's vascular, pulsating heat-seeking moisture missile, but it was not enough.

"Looks like we could use some lube," Big pointed out. Ted nodded as tried with no avail to get is hand to slide smoothly up and down the huge feline's moisture and heat-seeking venomous throbbing python of love.

Big glanced around the room. He spied nothing slimy, wet, or lubricating of any kind. His eyes came back to Ted's face, which is when he noticed the saliva dribbling out of Ted's mouth. He smiled as he had a very fun idea.

"Open wide," Big said, leaning forward. "Here comes the choo choo train!"

Ted opened his mouth as wide as he could muster, and he felt the tip of Big's cushy phallus slither in. He took a deep breath and pushed his head forward, sliding the purple broomstick straight down his esophagus. Big exhaled a light moan as he felt the warmth of the senator's mouth engulf his handlebar. He thrust in and out of Ted's throat as the Texas senator pushed his head back and forth like a fucking pidgeon. Ted made a weird "gluck gluck gluck" noise as he tried to breathe around the huge meat wand ravaging his esophagus. His wrinkled neck fat jiggled with every thrust. Ted closed his eyes in bliss. He loved making Big feel good. Big threw his head back and moaned as the senator deepthroated him.

Big withdrew his cock, dripping wet with viscous, Texan saliva. He slapped Ted's cheek with it a few times, sending saliva careening onto Ted's white, Christian face. He grabbed Big's penis in retaliation and began licking it up and down like a popsicle. Big let out an involuntary whimper. His dick oozed precum like a jelly doughnut after being squeezed and Ted licked it all up eagerly like it was water in a desert.

Ted retracted his head and looked up at Big, still running his hand up and down the moistened shaft like a jackhammer.

"It's time," he said in his weird, quivering, and constantly cracking voice. "Put it in me."

Big smiled. "I have another idea."

He gestured behind him. Ted's eyes widened upon seeing what was there. It was a cow made out of butter. The butter was starting to melt because of the heat.

"A cow made out of butter!" he said. "My daughter loves butter. In fact, her first words were 'I love butter.'"

Ted turned his gaze to the cat sitting on top of him. Their eyes met like Big's dick was about to meet Ted's rectum. Big gazed into Ted's eyes and blushed sweet yaoi tears. Ted gazed back and saw images of Sonic the Hedgehog overlaid on his pupils. Ted leaned forward.

"Rub the butter all over my body," Ted whispered into Big's really huge ear. Suddenly Big felt warm, solid, and wet, much like Ted in the morning. He reached over and scooped a chunk of butter out of the cow's side and rubbed it between his palms. The butter slathered all over Ted's wrinkly body like it was a slice of toast. Ted's naked body was so slick that he could not even move without slipping. He felt like a newborn infant who had just exited the womb, except that he was a grown man.

Big hoisted Ted up and put him down with his rump outstretched. Ted spread his legs in anticipation. Big's dude piston quivered in anticipation as it moved toward Ted's buttery buttcheeks. With a thrust, Big entered him like he was a tournament. Ted whimpered like someone that was being fucked in the ass. He could feel every vein in Big's fire hose rubbing up sensually against the walls of his asshole. His two inch penis shot up like the temperature. Big's dick drilled into Ted's intestines and thoroughly destroyed his rectum. Ted yelped like a fox as he felt the meat constrictor tunneling into his intestines. The smell of butter and lovemaking filled the room.

Big reached his hands under Ted and flipped him over like a pancake. On his back, Ted gazed deep into Big's eyes. He saw the reflection of the flames surrounding him dancing in his eyes, which reminded him of the burning passion he felt for Big. But Ted didn't care that the shack was burning right before his eyes. He parted his thighs, exposing his paltry penis and his shrivelled cumsack. This only made Big harder and wetter. Big quivered with desire and Ted's ass grew even moister as it gaped open from the brutal pounding it had received moments before.

"Why did you pull out?" asked Ted. Big reached down and rubbed their ballsacks together. Both of them moaned orgasmically.

The senator clutched at the bed sheets lustfully as Big moved his slick lizard back into Ted's ripe asshole. As Big thrusted again and again between Ted's pasty legs, the senator reached up and wrapped his buttery arms around Big's shoulders. With the sheer power of his ripped body, Big hoisted Ted into the air, still thrusting his rod, and pinned Ted up against the wall. Ted wrapped his gangly legs around Big's undulating midsection as his prostate was pounded. Precum began to exit his urethra like Britain from the EU.

"I love everything about you," Ted moaned sensually.

"You're gonna love this even more!" Big said as he thrusted faster and deeper than ever before.

Ted's breathing quickened. He whispered in Big's ear. "Say my name"

"Oh, Ted," Big whispered back sensually.

"My real name," the senator replied. "You know it."

"Rafael Edward Cruz," Big moaned firmy as his dick pulsated. The sheer force of Big's dick ripping his ass apart was almost too much sexual pleasure to bear. Ted climaxed, his pearlescent splooge building up in his penis and before rocketing out all over Big's white, furry torso like a volcano. At the same time, Big's tallywhacker twitched and Ted felt Big's urethral floodgates open to release his impregnation fluids. He could feel the warm, viscous liquid shooting into his rectum, filling him up like a really ugly Twinkie.

Big wiped the cum off his belly as he pulled out of Ted's ass, some cum dripping out in it's wake. His dick was still throbbing, and Ted could clearly see that his dong had expanded to unprecedented girths.

Big released Ted and he slid to the ground, leaving a trail of butter on the wall. Ted felt more satisfied than he ever had in his life, even moreso than when he takes away the rights of minority groups.

After recovering from the anal ravaging he just underwent, Ted remembered that his precious wedding ring had been eaten by Froggy. He scoured every corner of the blazing house for a sign of Froggy, but to no avail. Ted turned to his purple lover.

"Where did Froggy go?" asked Ted.

The expression on Big's face was akin to someone who had just been whacked in the head with a cricket bat. Ted assumed that meant he had a killer orgasm.

"My pollywog pal?" Big asked. "I don't know, he's always hopping off on his own!"

"Oh no!" Ted cried. "I need to find him! He swallowed my wedding ring, a symbol of my monogamous commitment to my wife under the blessing of God."

"I have no idea what that means," Big replied. "But I know a guy who has a bunch of rings. I still haven't figured out where he keeps them all."

Without a backward glance, Ted evacuated the burning shack without even putting his clothes back on, but not because of the raging fire.

"Froggy!" he cried.

Over the course of the next few days, the naked senator found himself on an Adventure chasing down the elusive frog. First he chased Froggy to Twinkle Park, but the amphibian managed to evade him. He tracked Froggy to Ice Cap and back to the Emerald Coast, but to no avail. Finally, he managed to get his clammy, Texan hands on the slippery pollywog.

Ted rammed his hand down Froggy's throat and felt around in his small stomach. The alarmed frog squirmed like a worm with a hand down it's throat. Ted finally located the ring and yanked it out. He slipped the ring back on his buttery finger and smiled a crooked grin.

"I found it!" Senator Cruz exclaimed, spinning around and extending his ringed hand out in front of him. His bink dink dong flailed about wildly as he moved.

Before he could do anything else, he was tackled by three cops and arrested for public indecency.

After he broke out of jail a few days later, he returned to the senate like nothing had happened. He hadn't been able to acquire the help from his purple lover, yet he felt a new found motivation to take away human rights. During the day's hearing, as he was daydreaming about eating Chunky soup with his former feline lover, he felt a pang from his abdomen and he bent over in pain. He felt something building up in his large intestine, something beyond normal abdominal pains. The whole senate stared at him as he shot to his feet.

"Someone get me a bucket!" he cried. Senator Tim Kaine miraculously but unsurprisingly happened to have a bucket on him, which he gave to Ted. Everyone gasped as he lowered his pants and squatted over the bucket. Senator Silver fainted when he caught a glimpse of Ted's shrivelled balls. Before everyone's eyes, Tedpoles shot out of his ass like a firehose into the bucket. He screamed as he gave birth to hundreds of tiny amphibians through his asshole. After getting a look at what he had produced, he knew he had to find the baby daddy.

He returned to Big's house in the deep woods. When he got there, he found that the shack had been reduced to nothing more than a smouldering pile of ashes on the forest floor. His purple lover was nowhere to be seen. His love and presence were fleeting, but the aftereffects on Ted's ass would last a lifetime.