President Obama referred to the sport of soccer as "football" during a press conference in Brussels on Thursday, raising questions about his commitment to America.

Experts agree that soccer is almost indistinguishable from socialism. The sport does have some positive aspects, such as allowing American hipsters to engage in unironic expressions of patriotism. But at its core, soccer is a profoundly obnoxious enterprise.

The sport's adherents frequently harass the general population with stories about the time they "lived" (studied abroad) in Europe and attended the "matches" (games) of their favorite "club" (team) and sang special songs as the players ran around on the "pitch" (field) in shiny "kits" (uniforms) and check out this cool scarf I got!

Hearing someone (any American, that is) refer to soccer as "football" is one of the most definitive signs that you should never be friends with that person. This is especially true if they immediately clarify themselves to let you know they were actually talking about "soccer." If they begin to explain why they say "football" instead of soccer (see previous paragraph), it is advisable to extricate yourself from the conversation/relationship immediately.

This gaffe (if we can call it that) is just the latest example of Obama’s deeply held desire to join the global cultural elite. It is also a grim reminder of his inability to protect America's interests on the global stage.

Calls for impeachment may be a bit overwrought at this point. But if we can't at least begin that conversation after such an egregious blunder, then we have lost our way as a nation.