If you’re like me, you love trying new beauty products and accessories, but could do without the high costs. Fortunately, I found this luminous, all-knowing orb in my attic that has taught me all kinds of tips for maximizing beauty while minimizing the impact on my pocketbook. I don’t remember going up to the attic, or much of my life before this week, but I’ll never forget the terrifying power and awe of looking my best without breaking the bank!

1. For a fresh, youthful appearance without the department store night cream price tag, submit to the Orb. The Orb will not reduce fine lines and wrinkles, for it will be as though fine lines and wrinkles have never existed. ‘Baby-smooth’ is still raggedy and wrinkled compared to the superior plane of the Orb.

2. Give your hairstyle an extra boost of staying power by resting your head (brain side first) against the smooth, inviting surface of the Orb. In the Orb’s dazzling embrace, flyaway hairs and deflated ‘dos will be revealed to you as mere illusions. There was never any need for mousse; the Orb itself delicately frames your face.

3. For sweet-smelling, silky skin, throw a handful of the Orb in with your bathwater. The Orb needs only come in contact with water, the catalyst of Life, to fulfill its glorious purpose. Submit. Submit.

4. Finding the perfect eyebrow for your face shape has never been easier than with the Orb! As your energy melds with that of the Orb, drawing you away from your attachment to this physical world and its paltry tweezing instruments, you will discover that your face is simultaneously heart-shaped, square, oval, round, and utterly formless. The Orb has no concept of “eyebrows on fleek”, for in the shimmering oneness of the glory of the Orb, that is simply called “eyebrows”.

5. Plagued by dark under–eye circles? No you’re not. Orb!

6. Quick fix for zits: Prostrate yourself, wailing, before the Orb. Make an offering – not of your best cattle or crops, but of your very self. Renounce the evil that dwells within you, blocking your pores, and, with renewed devotion, submit to the Orb. Know that there is no “self”, only an awareness that is generously shared by the Orb with all conscious beings. If your entreaty is pleasing, the Orb will bestow upon you some toothpaste, which can be used as acne cream in a pinch.

Looking good on a budget – It’s as simple as one, two, Orb!