You see, I was at university with Tony Abbott in the 1970s. This was before he became a surf lifesaver, theologian, skydiver, botanist, volunteer firefighter, bouncer, cardiologist, and newsagent. It seemed that every club I joined on campus, whether it was the photography club or the chess society, or even the sewing club, the president was Tony Abbott. Nobody else ever got a chance at the top job. Abbott was always elected unopposed. I remember him punching walls when he didn't get his way … or when he did. Etched in my mind is the time he became president of the Bare Knuckle Boxing and Ayn Rand Appreciation Society. I can never forget watching TA shadowbox while reciting Rand's love poetry. (OK, I'm joking about all that except the bit about the fact we were both at Sydney University in the 1970s.)

In 2010, I stood against him in the seat of Warringah as a candidate for the Australian Sex Party. He seemed to be deeply concerned that I had drawn No.1 on the ballot paper. Silly old Tone, he needn't have worried. In the end, I was badly beaten. I also lost the election.

Renowned for his not-up-to-date attitudes towards homosexuality, Abbott regards marriage between a man and a woman to be the only true test of unhappiness. It seems to me, that even if your religion forbids it, the inevitability of gay marriage is something all politicians need to consider. It's going to happen no matter what Pope Schwarzenegger says. The inflexibility of the conservative mindset on this and other issues should have been a good indicator of how they would govern. When Turnbull gets out of hospital from the right hook injury inflicted by Abbott, I hope he continues to fight for gay rights.

In the 1980s, when the Bjelke-Petersen regime reigned supreme in Queensland, I was arrested with other comedians for using ''obscene language in a public place''. To wit: I was charged and convicted many times. One magistrate labelled my act ''the filthy, disgusting ravings of a mindless and depraved human being''. This in a state where almost all the politicians were later found to be corrupt. My crime? Swearing. My real crime? Satirising conservative zealots. Geez, it's like I was David Marr or something.

This used to be the Lucky Country. We had everything, including an open-minded attitude and an enviable indifference to xenophobia. Janitor Gillard made mistakes, but she had the interest of the working class at heart. She was for better education, and I've even heard it said that she thought that some children could attain employment outside of the mining industry. Boy, that seems a faraway, dirty communist dream now in 2016.