When my sister and I were little, my sister would tell our peers that I was born with both male and female sex organs. She would tell people that our mum had to make a choice: Was she going to raise a daughter or was she going to raise a son? She would tell our peers that our mum made the wrong choice and had the doctors turn me into a girl. For as long as I can remember, I use to pray that this fairytale, created in the brain of my sister when she was younger than five, was the truth because I felt I was in the wrong body. However, it was just a story created by a child's brain in an attempt to understand why I was so different than the rest of the girls, a story I wanted to believe. My mum, well she thought I was gay because all of my friends were male and I was not interested in girl things, no matter how hard she tried to force them on me.

Hi, my name is Jules. Sex: Female. Gender: Androgynous-Male.

Actually, my legal name is Julia, but I cringe anytime anyone calls me that. It is far too feminine and does not fit me. As a really small child, I was referred to as “my precious jewel.” As I became older, every one naturally started to called me Jules and I liked it. Before the name Jules became my familiar name, I wanted to change my name to my middle name, Christine, so that people would call me Chris. I just could not stomach being called by a feminine name. I needed something that was either gender neutral, or masculine, because that is what fit and felt right. It wasn't until I became an adult and started to study Psychology that I began to really understand why. My gender identity does not match my biological sex.

The subject of sex and gender is what I would call one of my trigger topics. Any time someone uses the words sex and gender as if they are interchangeable, my brain goes into a blind rage. Out of all the issues today, I think that gender identity issues are the least talked about and most misunderstand. I do not think it helps that we are living in a society with ever changing gender expectations. While it is wonderful that women are no longer expected to be housewives and men are allowed to have and express feelings, at least that is one of the aims of the gender equality movements, it puts people like me in a very difficult, and often times lonely and isolated, position.

Before I continue, it is important that you know what is meant by sex and gender. Both are extremely complicated to define. The WHO has the simplest and easiest to understand 'layman’s' definition I've found to date:

"Sex" refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women. "Gender" refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women. To put it another way: "Male" and "female" are sex categories, while "masculine" and "feminine" are gender categories. Aspects of sex will not vary substantially between different human societies, while aspects of gender may vary greatly.

Some examples of sex characteristics: Women menstruate while men do not

Men have testicles while women do not

Women have developed breasts that are usually capable of lactating, while men have not

Men generally have more massive bones than women Some examples of gender characteristics : In the United States (and most other countries), women earn significantly less money than men for similar work

In Viet Nam, many more men than women smoke, as female smoking has not traditionally been considered appropriate

In Saudi Arabia men are allowed to drive cars while women are not

In most of the world, women do more housework than men

So what happens when someone's gender identity does not match with their biological sex? A lot of inner turmoil for one. There are feelings of inadequacy. There are feelings of being less of a person. There are feelings of being an abhorrent monster and a freak. And if you have any other issues that make you different than your peers, it can make growing up extremely rough, even if you're someone like me who has never cared to fit in. Regardless of not caring if I fit in, I still yearned to have some place where I belonged, a place where it made sense that I was the person that I am. Not having that place, along with a far from ideal childhood, nearly killed me.

A few years ago, my gender identity issues would not have been recognised, not even by the psychological community. There was, and continues to be, a huge disparity between the number of recognised, using diagnostic criteria, trans women (males who identity as feminine) and trans men (women who identify as masculine): estimates ranging from 1:7,400 to 1:42,000 in assigned males and 1:30,040 to 1:104,000 in assigned females.

This simply cannot be the reality of gender identity issues. Even though my gender identity causes me psychological distress and I feel like I am trapped in the wrong body, because I have neutral feelings about my genitals, I did not fit the criteria. Then there was a proposed change to the diagnostic criteria and more people, like me, fall into the clinical criteria necessary to be recognised as having some sort of gender identity issue. (DSM-IV criteria . DSM V criteria.)

I'm not sure I could ever really explain what it is means to be a trans individual without writing a novel. It took years of study for me to even begin to grasp it, despite it being my reality. The Psychological community is still trying to grasp it. The only way I can even begin to explain it is that I'm just in the wrong body. I do not fit.

When I'm surrounded by other women, I feel like a fraud and an alien. I really do not get women. I do not understand their needs and desires. I do not understand how they communicate. I simply do not get them and I often find myself wanting to yell, “Why do you think I should get it?! I'M NOT A MIND READER!” I just feel that I don't belong and that I am in the completely wrong place.

I get men. I understand the needs and desires of men. I really understand why men communicate the way they do. Men are not alien and foreign creatures to me. I belong with men. Because I am a man, even if, from time to time, an effeminate one. My sons have always just naturally said, without any sort of prompting or discussion, “My mum is a gay man trapped in a female's body.” I find it fascinating how my boys just instinctively know I am different, just as, from the time we were wee children, my sister and I always knew.

Being me is difficult. I feel it is more difficult to be a trans male than it is to be a trans female. I could be very wrong. But this is what my personal experiences tell me. The reason why I feel this way is because if a male identifies as feminine, women are more accepting of it. Sure, that individual may have a harder time with men, but women seem to want to welcome them as one of their own.

I, however, get flack from both men and women. I've always been the token female in a group of men. Men treat me like one of their own. However, and this happens at least once a week, somewhere in the discussion, I am told, “You would not understand. It is a guy thing” and it is all I can do to not burst into tears, as I go from feeling visible and validated to invisible and dehumanised.

Women tell me that I'm a misogynist and am giving into some patriarchal thinking. Or I am questioned to death about how I have no desire for at least one female best friend, because even the most butch of girls, the most tom boy of tom boys, has the need for at least one female bff. And when I try to explain that I need my one closest friend to be a male, again I am told, in some form, that I am a traitor to women.

Normally, I can go through my day to day just being a person. I do not let my gender identity issues control me to the same extent that they once did. Then, without fail, I'll see something like the Dr Pepper 10 commercial, and I'll see how it isn't only sexist to women but to men, express my gender equality point of view and be called a misogynist. Or a male will tell me it is a guy thing. Or I'll read something about geek girls and am punched in the gut with the reminder that I am not a girl. Or I'll hear women talking about men and complaining about the things women complain about, offer the other side of the coin because I get it from the male's perspective and I'll be, once again, called a misogynist, when my goal is to try and help all parties find mutual understanding. Or there will be some female only thing happening and I have to run for the hills, not being able to say why I just can't join that activity, only to feel, yet again, like a fraud, wishing that I did in fact have a penis, so that both men and women would stop having certain expectations of me. Even in the trans community, I've been told I don't belong because if I was truly trans, I'd be attracted to women.

I'm okay with being androgynous-masculine until intimate relationships occur. Sexual partners are okay with talking to me like one of the boys until they want things to be intimate and romantic. Then they will begin to communicate with me as if I'm feminine and I get turned off. That is when I have to have the talk. That is when they get weird because some of them thought it makes them gay to be attracted to me. My gender identity was such an issue for one partner that they could no longer perform oral sex because they couldn't help but to imagine my clitoris was a penis. That is when, once again, I wish I had a penis because it would make things so much easier for every one involved.

But there are issues with having a penis as well. I like men. I mean, I really like men. That is where my sexual attraction is. I want to be attractive to men. I'm able to play the role of a softer female because I'm a bloody good actor. I don't care if they are gay, straight or bisexual. However, my chances of attracting a gay man are extremely unlikely because my body is female. But because I'm still attractive to straight and bisexual men, I am okay with having a vagina. Never mind the fact I like the sexual pleasure given to me as a result of having a vagina.

Also, if a man was to leave me for another man, I would be devastated. I would feel that I was inadequate. I've had men leave me for other women, and I never felt inadequate as a result. This is not the result of some form of patriarchal brainwashing or misogyny, self or otherwise. This is a simple result of the person that I am and have been since birth, trapped inside a female body. I did not wake up one day and say, “Today, I think I'm going to be a man”, no more than people who are gay wake up and say, “Today, I'm going to be sexually attracted to my sex.” It is just something that is.

As I said, there is a lot of ignorance on this subject. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different animals. And the first time I ever thought someone else actually understood that was when Chaz Bono was on Ellen. As a general rule, anytime I bring up my gender identity, regardless if it is with men or women, suddenly I am treated differently. People stop treating me as the person they once saw me as and get weird around me. For the first time, I felt like a valid human being.

Normally, I am happy to live in the closet and not discuss my gender identity. Normally, I am more than okay with having a vagina, because quite frankly, I am afforded certain privileges as a result. Also, my sexual orientation is such that it makes sense to remain biologically female. Then weeks filled with Dr Pepper 10, GeekGirlCon discussions and geek girl debates happen, and I want to completely disappear.

Unintentionally, and sometimes even intentionally, I am given messages that I am an abhorrent creature. I am given messages that if I do not identify with certain female characters or even care that they are in media, I am doing women a huge disservice. Even behind closed doors here at GeekMom, where they have been extremely supportive when I discuss my gender identity, things are said or done and I want to quit writing for GeekMom because I suddenly feel like a fraud and that I do not belong. I want to make it clear that it is nothing the GeekMoms are intentionally doing but is only as a result of my gender identity issues.

I don't want to be treated as a male or female. I just wanted to be treated as a person. Then feminist issues come up and I feel as if I have to bite my tongue, because when I do speak up, there is always some backlash and I become afraid. In my experiences, and it is just that, my experiences, the hardest backlash comes from women. I am called names when all I want to achieve is some form of mutual understanding. In my experiences, men have always been more willing to listen. Perhaps that is a result of differences in male-female communication. I don't know why it happens, I just know what my experiences are.

So why have I decided to come out of the closet now? Because some of you may have a child who is struggling with their gender identity and as a parent, you need to be aware of these issues. Because some of the readers may be struggling with their gender identity. Because, at some point in this last week, one person may have been made to feel completely invalid as a person and, as a result, they may have wished that they were snuffed from existence. Because people need to know that it does get better. Because the discussion needs to begin. People need to recognise that there is something more than being a tom boy. People need to recognise and accept that if one is trans, they are not embracing any gender stereotypes. They are just being the people that they are. This discussion needs to happen before we raise another generation filled with people who are afraid to be the people they were born to be.

While having this discussion, it may be a good idea to keep in mind that every one has unique and valid experiences. Maybe, before assuming that someone is being sexist or misogynistic or thinking they are giving into some patriarchal thinking, you may want to ask them, “Why do you think and feel that way? What are your experiences that have led you to this point of view?” Hopefully, by approaching it in such a fashion, we can finally begin to have a real dialogue and begin to understand those who do not fit in the norm. It is difficult to understand things that are considered outside of the norm. It is very difficult to understand issues of gender identity, especially if you live in a culture that is trying to break down gender barriers. However, we need to begin somewhere. So let's start here.