Probation Officer Closest Thing Punk Band Has to Tour Manager

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Probation officer Morris Berger is the closest thing struggling punk band Muskrat Funeral has to a tour manager, according to sources who have watched their court-appointed relationship flourish.

“We’d never pull off a tour without Morris,” noted frontman Dale Stewart. “He’s kind of a dick, but he’s really good with promoters, remembering our court dates, and doing paperwork and stuff. Like, we almost booked this show in Fort Lauderdale, but then Morris explained that our drummer can’t be in Broward County because apparently you can’t masturbate in a Home Depot parking lot there. Who knew?”

Although Berger has become essential to Muskrat Funeral, it’s not a responsibility he’s taken on willingly.

“I’m just trying to do my goddamn job, but these kids are fucking idiots,” grunted Berger while smoking a cigar in his cramped, dimly lit office. “I started negotiating better rates for their gigs after I found out they agreed to be paid in Olde English 40s. Apparently I’m the only person in their lives who says things like, ‘Turning 22 doesn’t allow you to legally drink and drive,’ or, ‘You can’t pass a drug test by taking Adderall and pulling an all-nighter.’”

Muskrat Funeral are currently touring northeastern Florida, the only part of the state in which all members are currently allowed, where Berger has done his best to keep the band in check.

“Muskrat Funeral was the first band we’ve ever had whose rider had a list of things they could not have in their dressing room,” said booking agent Dana James. “And they had a great set until the encore went too long, and everybody’s ankle bracelets started buzzing. Then this middle-aged dude that looked like a pissed off gym teacher ran out and was like, ‘Show’s over! Everybody get in the goddamn minivan and don’t give me any shit!’”

As of press time, Berger was driving Muskrat Funeral to their next gig and swearing that if they didn’t stop goofing off and causing a ruckus, he was going to turn the car around right this goddamn minute.