Google's mantra is "Don't be evil," which as corporate mottoes go is the equivalent of "Build an eternal bonfire in the parking lot and fuel it with thousand-dollar bills and the occasional Gutenberg Bible."

The worldwide market for evil is stratospheric, and Google is uniquely positioned to take advantage of it. They've made some halting inroads in China, but economists – many of whom are themselves evil – estimate that if Google abandoned its inefficient policy completely, it could capture 38 percent of the evil market. That's more than Microsoft and Lindsay Lohan combined. Here are just a few of the many ways Google could provide cutting-edge, convenient and extremely evil services.

Google Torture

Sure, Google provides access to nearly all the public information on the web, but what about data people aren't willing to share? Google could enhance its core search engine by deploying goons and/or thugs to beat information out of people – anything from the location of their valuables to interesting sports trivia. Finally you can search on terms like "why did my neighbor come home at 3 a.m. all last week" and expect to get some real answers.

Google Murder

Why pay top dollar for a professional hit man when an amateur will do it for a few bucks and a good alibi? Google could leverage the technology behind Google Answers to match amateur killers with those looking to eliminate a business rival or key witness. While high-end assassins have all sorts of overhead and pass the costs on to you, Google Murder could match you up with sociopaths who were thinking of going on a rampage anyway, and who would be willing to shoot up the office building or motel of your choosing for a reasonable fee.

Google Blackmail

YouTube and Flickr are tough competitors in the world of user-supplied content, but they're hobbled by terms of service that discourage the most profitable content of all: incriminating evidence. Google could use the code behind Google Video to allow users to upload sordid videos and indelicate photos and set them to be displayed after a reasonable amount of time if the ransom isn't met. If the victim pays up, Google gets a cut. If the ransom isn't paid and evidence of degradation and betrayal is made public, everybody wins!

Google Infidelity

More than one affair has brought a marriage to an asset-dividing end thanks to an electronic trail left in the guilty party's browser. With a couple of changes to Google Desktop and Google Toolbar, these sad results can be a thing of the past. The code could change the browser history so that searches for "crotchless panties" and "motels that bill by the hour" look like searches for "anniversary presents" and "spouse-only massage classes." And, in case that doesn't work, the software can automatically block access to the websites of private detectives and divorce lawyers.

Google Nudity

Google Earth may give you a great view of the Grand Tetons, but those aren't the natural formations most people using Google Image Search are looking for. Sure, turning off SafeSearch can net you all sorts of porn even if you don't actually want it, but the worldwide demand for naked pictures of famous people still far exceeds the supply. As satellite and rendering technology improve, Google will be in the enviable position of being able to map the topology of anyone who goes outdoors, and extrapolate it into nude pictures indistinguishable from actual perverted photography. Finally you'll be able to see anyone from your favorite movie star to your Pilates instructor naked as a jaybird and twice as aroused.

I think you can see how evil, properly abused by the benevolent tyrants at Google, could benefit us all while only harming most of us. I think it would be a good trade-off, as long as Google doesn't start spamming. Some things are too evil to even consider.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjberg eventually overcame these handicaps to devote his life to helping the helpless, cheering the cheerless, and minding the mindless.

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