When we in the gay community got our "Now That You Are Queer" welcome packet, it never said how much responsibility came with it. It implied that being gay was just a matter of having great sex, awesome parties, and some light weather-changing capabilities. We in no way realized that we were going to cause some of the largest disasters in human history.

That's not an excuse, of course. Some of you have been really hurt by our actions, we understand. Who knew that getting married and wanting basic civil rights could be so dangerous to you, the average straight person? Not us.

I'm afraid it's not going to end, either. I can extend my heartfelt apologies to you, but the fact is that 5 percent to 10 percent of the population is coming out as LGBT constantly, and through our own ignorance (and, frankly, a subpar training program) we're going to use our ever-growing powers to accidentally kill you guys. It's totally not personal.

To get down on our knees and grovel over every little disaster we've caused would take all day; is it cool if we just apologize for the Top 5? So many ways to completely annihilate the human race, so little time. You understand.