♫"When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside..."

PRAYERS! VITAMINS! PYTHONS! BROTHERS! Hulk Hogan has returned to the WWE!There he is in the red and yellow, ready to ask all of us what we're gonna do when something something runs wild on us! Let's hear what he has to say...Wait, what now?Ooooh no. That's not...noooo...In Hogan's meager, mustachioed defense, the whole "WWE Universe" label denoting brand fandom has been making us all groan for years now. But you can't really chalk his mistake up to being out of practice. I mean, not everyone in the mainstream media who's covered Hogan's return knows that he's been cutting promos left and right in TNA for the past four years. So it's not like this is his first time back in the ring and on the stick in a long while. It's only been since October.But TNA doesn't exist in the mythos of the WWE, nor in the minds of most major media outlets, so...ALL HAIL HOGAN'S TRIUMPHANT RETURN! For me, someone who watched every single thing he did in TNA, most of the luster was gone here. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy him coming back to his "home," or walking out to "Real American" (I'll forgive the lack of dubstep remixing!), but like Foley and Flair, it's not like Hogan was gone from my TV life, like he was for a lot of other folks. And I'm only half counting the sex tape here.By the way, how funny would it have been if Hogan walked down the aisle with Dixie Carter still clinging to his leg?Anyhow, Hulkster's back and hosting WrestleMania. But unlike Rock's hosting gig three years back, it's unlikely that he'll wind up interfering in a match. From what I can tell, he's under a "no physicality" policy. Not sure how strict that is, or if, say, he's allowed to hit someone with a chair. Or even just pick up a chair and wield it, fending off villains. But we'll see. I'm glad he's back. I don't think we need a huge influx of returning faces (see: Batista's absolute, miserable failed return), but 'Mania 30 would feel "jacked up, brother" if Hogan wasn't involved somehow.Now, onto Undertaker... And there's a heaping pile of content to get to this week so bear with me as I attempt to cover the most notable items. Might not get to TNA or Smackdown this week. Even though we're as close as we've ever been to Sting vs. Undertaker, it ain't happening this year. Or ever now, if we want to be all glass half suicide about it. Sting still hasn't signed a contract and there's been a lot of heel dragging on both sides. There were rumors that Taker didn't want to fight Brock due to Brock's physical nature and Taker's limited rage, but that's all been broomed away. Taker came back last night to challenge Brock - stabbing him in the hand with the pen and then chokeslamming him through the table. Which apparently was set up for a'chokeslammin'.I don't mind Taker vs. Lesnar. I saw a lot of people poo-poo the s*** out of it last night, but it's not a terrible pairing. And Taker can pretty much sell any high-profile 'Mania match. I'll say this too... Of the matches currently set for 'Mania, it's the one I'm most excited about. Which is good for Taker and Lesnar, bad for 'Mania. What I wanted to bring up though, more than Taker or the chokeslam, was how Heyman got slightly pipe bomb-y in his speech beforehand. About how the WWE works nowadays. "You can have anything you want...except the thing you want the most." VERY telling. And it pretty much sums up 'Mania 30. And there he was saying it so succinctly. Something I've spent countless paragraphs trying to encapsulate.Hell, Heyman even suggested that Batista and Orton have their title match pre-Mania and then Lesnar would take on the winner. That was, from a best "worst case scenario" standpoint, an outstanding idea! Especially since Batista is getting "X-Pac Heat." Which, for those who don't know, is the kind of heat (unfortunately now attributed to Sean Waltman) that you get when people don't want to see you. They're not booing because you're a heel, or because you've cheated to get a win, or because you've insulted their hometown team. They're booing because they don't want you to be where you are, doing the thing you're doing. They want you to go away.Granted, the booing started because Batista won the Rumble, thus making it so he automatically takes up the main event spot at 'Mania. If he'd come back and just started up a feud with, like, Sheamus, people would be cool. But now the 'Mania resentment has spilled over into everything Batista does. The plan was to turn Batista heel right after 'Mania, but now we know that's nowhere near soon enough. There was a giddy rumor going around last night that, after the way Del Rio got cheered at Elimination Chamber (he was almost more over than when he was an actual face), they were going to have him turn heel on RAW . Not sure what that would mean for the Orton match, but it was a good start. Never happened though. Instead, they decided to acknowledge the boos by having Orton talk about how much the crowd hates Batista while not having Batista give a s***. Claiming that when people boo him, he boos them right back. Because that's honesty.Guess what? Get that honesty off my goddamn TV! I don't want Batista to stand there and feebly attempt to "keep in real." I don't need him to react genuinely to things. Trust me, investing in Batista the "character/wrestler" is enough of a chore. Don't try and sell me on Batista the real-life dudebro. Quite literally, his attitude is...Go to hell. Seriously. Eat a bag of ass.Yes, Ziggler was live-tweeting/roasting RAW last night. And yes, he was marvelous.

More on Batista, plus Bryan vs. Triple H on Page 3...