Consider staying home this Halloween. Or just show up in a MAGA hat. That will scare the little devils away.

Americans celebrate a lot of holidays. Ever the wet-blankets, social justice warriors will take any opportunity to demonstrate their virtue and accuse others with tiresome, baseless epithets like racism, sexism, and cultural appropriation. As Halloween approaches, SJWs and professional nags will be on the attack.

One school in Walpole, Massachusetts has canceled its annual Halloween costume parade. The school principal said, “the costume parade is out of our ordinary routine and can be difficult for many students. Also, the parade is not inclusive of all the students and it is our goal each and every day to ensure all student’s individual differences are respected.”

The school will instead have an after-hours “Orange and Black Spirit Day.” How festive. What the principal isn’t saying is that they don’t want to deal with angry parents who complain about “offensive” costumes. Can you blame him? Unfortunately, the vague statement doesn’t say what everyone is thinking: SJWs are stealing kids’ fun (and, most likely, candy).

You People Are Why We Can’t Have Any Fun

Of course there have been instances of “offensive” costumes. They’re almost always on a website and not actually worn by a child. A legitimate case can be made regarding the recent news of an “Anne Frank Costume for Girls” that was marketed on the European, Canadian, Australian, and British versions of the website HalloweenCostumes.com.

In the United States the costume was marketed as “WWII Costume for Girls.” After a link to the site circulated around Twitter and people registered their disbelief and outrage, the company put out the following statement:

We sell costumes not only for Halloween, but for many uses outside of the Halloween season, such as school projects and plays. We offer several types of historically accurate costumes — from prominent figures to political figures, to television characters. We take feedback from costumers very seriously. We have passed along the feedback regarding this costume, and it has been removed from the website at this time. We apologize for any offense it has caused, as that’s never our intention. If you have additional questions or concerns, please let us know.

The company has a reasonable explanation for carrying the costume. Their decision to remove it is also reasonable. Unfortunately, this isn’t the last of the discussion on outrageous costumes. Fox News reported recently that Party City’s “The Wall” costume also enraged Twitter users. One person called it “directly racist.” Another said “If I see anyone wearing a ‘The Wall’ costume, fair warning, you’re getting punched. Like hard.”

Keep in mind the costume is literally a shapeless garment with a brick wall pattern and the text “The Wall” printed on it.

Forget Your Cowboy Costume, Kids

Another frequent target are the “sexy” costumes. This year’s new additions include Sexy Model Wife (a.k.a. Melania Trump), Sexy Border Patrol Agent, Sexy Nun, and my personal favorite: Sexy Fake News. In my new political humor book, “The Social Justice Warrior Handbook: A Practical Survival Guide for Snowflakes, Millennials, and Generation Z,” I write about the lengths SJWs will go to forage for outrage in the workplace, entertainment and, of course, on Halloween. Among the costumes I deride in “SJW speak” are the following.

COWBOY: While some might look at this costume as classic Americana, it actually represents toxic masculinity, inhumane treatment of animals, and practical use of firearms.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Every day women are subject to street harassment by construction workers. By dressing as a construction worker you may trigger women who have traumatic experiences of being catcalled or told to smile.

NATIVE AMERICAN: There are several obvious problems with this “costume.” Not only do many who dress as Native Americans attempt to sexualize the identity (a common theme at Halloween), but they also ignore the history and effort behind it. Feathers in a headdress have significance. It has a proud tradition that must be earned, not purchased.

POLICE OFFICER: During these volatile times in race relations, it can be triggering to certain communities to see someone dressed in a uniform they associate with violence.

BIKER: Like the construction worker and cowboy, this costume can trigger strong feelings about street harassment and toxic masculinity. Additionally, Bikers for Trump provided security for right-wing speakers and compromised college campuses’ safe spaces.

SOLDIER: For social justice warriors, this is perhaps the worst of the bunch. The soldier glorifies American patriotism and militaristic gun culture. People like Che Guevara have literally died for social justice, so seeing the image of the American soldier in uniform is just not okay. Bonus points to you if you get the joke.

I’m So Offended By Little Princesses

When I was a kid, I only had to worry about the urban legend of finding razor blades in my candy. But today’s SJWs are on the hunt for something much more dangerous: hurt feelings! Now it’s whether little Aiden’s cowboy costume promotes toxic masculinity or little Emma’s princess costume promotes gender stereotypes. Jamia Wilson of Women, Action and the Media told Refinery29, “Why do people use Halloween as a time to be offensive?”

Ironically, Refinery29’s Halloween section header proclaims, “Halloween is a time to let inhibitions go and get creative; something we support year-round.”

A better question to ask is: Why do people use Halloween to further their outrage agenda? The answer is simple: SJWs have the ear of the media. Once they decide a beloved character or costume is offensive, it’s blasted out via social media, articles are written, and costumes are pulled off shelves before you can say “Trick or treat.”

Don’t Beat Them. Join Them

If you can’t beat the SJWs, maybe it’s time to join them. Here are some creative ideas for “woke” Halloween costumes.

WOKE FOOTBALL PLAYER: Simply pair your favorite football jersey (or no jersey if you go as Colin Kaepernick) with one well-worn kneepad. Don’t forget to bring a bag, because even if you break the rules, you still want to collect candy.

WOKE 8-YEAR OLD: The “my kid said… [some progressive talking point or insult to Trump]” tweets have become so overused and far-fetched on Twitter that they’ve become a joke. Regardless of your sex, dress up as Hillary Clinton or Rep. Frederica Wilson and ask for your non-GMO, fair trade treat.

WOKE ACTRESS: Use the recent “revelation” that the entertainment industry is full of depravity to criticize President Trump and Vice President Pence. If you can’t afford Dior’s $710 “We Should All Be Feminists” T-shirt, make your own.

WOKE PROFESSOR/STUDENT: To pull off this costume, it doesn’t matter what you wear. You can show your face or cover the bottom half with a bandanna. Just be sure to shout over anyone who tries to talk to you.

Halloween is just the beginning of the SJWs’ busy season as they forage for outrage. It’s not enough for them to be miserable nags, they must also take away our ability to laugh and dress up without fear of being publicly shamed. How miserable the holiday season must be for them. Sad!