What's this about David Cameron and a pig?

Lord Ashcroft, the former Conservative donor turned pollster, has written a biography of David Cameron, Call Me Dave, which details the Prime Minister's life and upbringing. One revelation has caught everyone's attention: the allegation that, while at university, Cameron may have put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig as part of an initiation ceremony into posh drinking society Piers Gaveston.

Has Cameron commented on the story?

A spokesperson for the PM, who at this point must really wish they had called in sick, says that Cameron "does not recognise" the stories about his debauched past.

Isn't that illegal?

No. Bestiality involves penetration of the "vagina or anus" of a living animal. Necrophilia involves having sexual intercourse with a dead person. The mouth of a dead pig is a legal no man's land. That said, a Labour backbencher could attempt to change the law with a private members' bill.

Wait. Has George Osborne put his di-

No.George Osborne was a member of weird upper-class Oxford drinking society the Bullingdon Club, along with David Cameron. This is Piers Gaveston, another weird upper-class Oxford drinking society, which Osborne was not invited to join. Doubtless the Bullingdon had some terrible induction ceremonies involving setting fire to a homeless person or something, but Osborne would never have been called to put his dick in a pig's mouth.

Will Jeremy Corbyn bring this up this week at PMQs?

No. The Houses of Parliament are in recess until October as the political parties have their conferences. So there will be no questions to the Prime Minister this week.

Will the row hurt Cameron?

I'm guessing he may be the butt of a few jokes and you'd expect his sex life to take a bit of a knock. (Imagine trying to get in the mood while thinking about THAT) My hunch is we all assume that posh people are up to all sorts of weird sex things anyway.

And remember, Cameron will not be standing for a third term in 2020, so whoever Jeremy Corbyn faces at the election will be free of the taint. Which is more than can be said for the pig.

A bigger row may be brewing about Lord Ashcroft's claims that he was promised a job in exchange for a donation, and that Cameron knew he was minimising his tax liabilities before 2010, however.