TOPEKA – Countless American citizens were outraged when news broke out that the Central Intelligence Agency was using Apple and Android smartphones as well as Samsung televisions to spy on the American public. The discovery of this blatant invasion of privacy has led many to cover up the cameras on their smart devices. Some are even going so far as to boycott Apple, Android, and Samsung products to show solidarity against this practice. It is undeniable that Americans feel violated by the electronic “Peeping Toms” they have installed in their homes. However, one brave Topeka man is remaining steadfast in his ways, is standing his ground, and refuses let this news change his lifestyle.

Randall Crawford has been using Chatroullette and Omegle as mediums of sexual gratification since the website launched in 2009. Between bouts of employment at various fast food establishments, the 36 year old has found serene comfort in virtually exposing himself to strangers all across the world.

“When I was fired from my job at McDonald’s for exposing myself to customers in the drive-thru window, I was told to feel shame by my peers and employers. Burger King was no different with my Whopper Junior.” said Crawford. “I thought I would feel at home at a place with a name like Long John Silver’s, but I was mistaken.”

Crawford removed his glasses and wiped away tears from his eyes.

“When I discovered websites that would literally let me broadcast my genitals to the unassuming masses, I finally felt accepted and understood. I felt loved.”

When news broke out that the CIA had been invading this patriot’s privacy and spying on the intimate conversations Crawford was having with strangers, he was taken aback.

“Let me clear when I say that the CIA’s actions in invading the privacy of Americans everywhere is disrespectful, morally reprehensible, questionably perverse, and quite frankly, disgusting.” said Crawford. “But for us to behave and act any differently than our true selves would be succumbing to their desires. We must remain strong and continue to live our most authentic selves, regardless of who is watching.”

In an act of national dedication, Crawford then bravely removed his pants and began pleasuring himself right in the public library that we conducted the interview in. We salute you, Randall Crawford, and thank you for everything you do to keep the American dream alive.