OK, it’s not one, it’s two.

But you can pretty much do them at the same time, so it’s not exactly a lie.

It’s a simple guiding principle. If there’s only ONE thing you can remember going into any conversations, let this be it.

It’s called…

Pause and Predict

Pause: to give yourself time to think.

Predict: 2 steps ahead of the other person’s response to what you’re about to say.

“What? It looks like a lot of work just before giving a response! How can I be quick-witted and appear sharp and smart if I take my time to talk? My counterpart may lose interest before I resume!”

First of all, that’s not true. If you look closely, amazing leaders, talk show hosts, comedians, politicians, great conversationalists actually pause often before they give a response. People who pause for 3–5 seconds before responding are perceived as more deliberate and wise. That’s their thinking time. This is the time you can use to form your predictions.

It will take up some reaction time at first. But I guarantee that with practice, it will work like clockwork and become part of your conversational reflexes. The next step: How do you predict?

Here’s a use case to better explain it.

Avoid Literal Exchanges

Imagine a coworker who tends to be a little too chatty or tedious. He comes over and asks you about your weekend. While you didn’t do nuthin’ on the weekend, you also don’t want to get into a tedious conversation about his. You do know he plays music, it’s probably not the same kind but you got tickets months ago to an indie concert. You can predict the conversation as follows:

…and he may even start to tell you his experience of performing.

You may not always have tickets to a concert ready, but the point is: think a little harder about how your response will be received, and what would work better instead. If you answered his question literally, where is it going to lead? If you predict that it’s going to lead nowhere interesting, redirect it to something you can both relate to instead.

For example:

“Did you do your taxes yet?” “I will… after I finish working on my motorcycle.”

“How’s your sister?” “She’s good, not being obsessed with (this Netflix show) like I am.”

“Did you see the new Star Trek TV show?” “No, is it as good as Battlestar Galactica?”

If you’re the person doing the questioning, you can also direct the topic by leaving an implication hook, that implies something you know about the subject that may interest the listener and allows him/her to ask you about it.

For example:

“What did you eat?” vs “I hope you tried their croissants.”

“What did you do this weekend?” vs “Did you enjoy the good weather?”

“What are your hobbies?” vs “This conversation reminds me of this board game I played.”

This skill does go hand-in-hand with ACTIVE observation. Not only do you want to observe what topic the person might enjoy, but also whether they want to stay in the topic.

You may think: Oh but I’m not very observant of people. The truth is, most of us underestimate our ability to observe, until we’re asked to describe someone we know. When we’re asked “What’s your friend like?” we can actually do a pretty good job of summarizing what he/she likes, enjoys doing, his/her strengths and weaknesses, etc. We just don’t think to apply it when we talk to them.

For example, Lucy likes to describe her days in details, and she talks about them with emotions and tells great stories. She seems to have a short attention span when things get a little too technical. Ben on the other hand, tends to summarize his activities in a day with one sentence, and he’s very analytical when he approaches any subjects. He likes to ask the “how?” about things. If they both ask me: How does digital art work? I will form a mental prediction map like this.

On the other hand, I would have quite a different prediction map for Ben!

As you can see, different people behave differently in a conversation. A common mistake people make is they approach every conversation the same way.

You’ll see a friend nerding out about movies/art/game/work even though the other person isn’t interested but is nice enough to politely listen, a coworker talk about how he thinks his friend’s Russian wife is a mail order bride, someone complaining about her ex to his best friend, a guy write a wiki page about himself on his dating profile… etc. (real people in my life!)

These are results of treating every audience the same. Just because A is receptive of this topic, doesn’t mean B will take it the same way. This seems obvious, but I see it happening so often. People don’t take the time to observe and ask about the other person before imposing their own interests and wonder why they cannot build a connection.

What if you predict wrong?

Well, what’s your reaction to someone who says to you “I think you’ll really like ______.” but she’s wrong?

You probably won’t be too mad, but would gently correct her and explain why. She’ll then apologize for her wrongful observation, but nonetheless you appreciate that she at least tried and paid attention.

The same goes for this.

By putting in the effort to observe and predict, you inevitably make assumptions. But if you’re wrong, the beauty is you can apologize and be honest with what you thought “Oh I totally thought you wouldn’t be into this” or “Wow I’m surprised…” or “Sorry I didn’t think you would…” and they may ask “What made you think that?” and that in and of itself is intriguing to them…

Because people enjoy knowing what you’ve noticed about them.

It’s the same feeling of wonder they have when a personality test accurately describes them.

Here is one last use-case for this technique before you have to go:

Crush awkward Silence

Years ago, my responses to awkward silences used to be “Shit! Find something to say. Now.” When I saw the end of a conversation creeping up, my brain just kept telling me “the silence is coming! Time’s up! You haven’t come up with anything to say! Uh Ohhh!!”

Then my brain goes on auto-pilot and tries to grasp the nearest thing possible to blurt out, usually in the form of a “fact” or my own “perception” about the subject (instead of taking this time to inquire or observe,) which typically results in disasters that would haunt me afterwards. Take this conversation as an example.

My coworker who used to be a black-belt in taekwondo has since put on some weight. He expressed interest in learning rock climbing. But from his old pictures, he’s always had bigger and rounder muscle masses. Knowing that he’s a perfectionist, I wasn’t sure he’d be up for investing in this sport.

Me: “In my experiences, good climbers tend to have lean muscle masses.”

Coworker: “So are you saying I won’t be good at climbing? Are you saying I’m too fat?”

Me: “Nonono… I’m just saying… if you want to be good at it, you’ll probably have to lose… some…”

Coworker: “So you are saying I’m fat.”

Sensing that I may have offended him, I fumbled and just sank further. My comedic friend came to the rescue.

Me: “Friend! Help me tell Coworker what I meant!”

Friend: “I’m not getting involved in this, sounds like you’re digging yourself deeper into the hole.”

*Laughter*

I was very reliant on my comedic friend being around, but I knew I couldn’t for ever. What I should have done was to pause, and think about my alternative answers. So here’s my updated prediction map for him.

In retrospect, I would have been ok if I practiced Pause and Predict. I probably would have predicted he doesn’t want to be challenged / discouraged (it’s different if he initiated to ask) and not got into details. But if I did passionately share about how much work is ahead of him, I would still be able to maneuver out of it.

To the question of “you mean I’m fat?” I have two choices: “Yes” or “No.” If I say “no,” I would be inauthentic because he IS overweight and have to struggle to cover up my lie. So my only alternative is “yes” but it would be offensive if I don’t know if he can take it.

Humor is the best resort to any dead end. By following the thought of “yes,” what would it look like in a comedic world? “Uh, if you’re fat, the harness would break first.” We both know it’s not going to happen, so it will be a good way to neutralize the comment.

So, keep pausing and giving yourself the time to predict a conversation. If you feel a certain answer would likely lead to a dead end, think of an alternative. Texting is a good way to start, since you’re given time to think. Try catching up with someone you haven’t talked to in a while and hold a conversation. Once you feel ready to graduate, strangers like uber drivers are some of the best people to practice with, because you have less pressure to impress them.

These graphics and words may seem like a lot, but when they are just traces of thoughts, they only take 1–3 seconds to process. Give it a try…the results will be worth it!