In the latest edition of I-don’t-make-the-news-I-just-report-it, a pensioner from London was caught masturbating while fisting a cow. (Deep breaths, folks. Deep breaths.) For his crimes against zoomanity, 80-year-old John Curno has been found guilty of two counts of outraging public decency and banned from every farm in Britain. Sounds like he needs to be put on an international farm watchlist, if you ask me.

The senior citizen was spotted not once, but twice, with his hand all up inside cows at Park Lodge Farm in Uxbridge, west London. I guess once you go cow, that’s all you’ll plow. (I’m sorry, I had to.) Farmer Susan Howie testified that the first time she saw cow-fistin Curno in her filed, he “had his left hand interfering with the cow and his right hand on a part of his lower body [...] he was masturbating—you could see it moving up and down, and his trousers and his boxer shorts were at his ankles.” The second time around, Howie says Curno “had his whole hand in the cow.” My man, why?

“I was disgusted,” said Howie. “We gave nobody permission to touch or interfere with our cows. It might seem funny to you, but they are family, they are not just cows.” First of all, what exactly does “interfere” mean in the UK? Secondly, the cows were evidently more than cows to Curno as well. Jokes aside, we totally understand Howie’s distress.

The second time Howie spotted Curno, he realized he had been made and tried to run away, falling over himself and his pants in the process. Having managed to evade getting caught twice, Curno allegedly came back for more, this time trying to have sex with a cow for up to 30 minutes, at which point Howie called the authorities. (Why’d it take her a whole half hour, though?) Shortly thereafter, Curno was arrested by police. The senior citizen also says he is going to "sue the police" and hasn’t masturbated in three years because of medication he takes.