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WITH just one day until polling stations up and down the country open, WWN has reached out to prominent experts to help answer some of your most pressing questions about the marriage equality referendum.

Will gay people eat my children?

Gay people like any other class of people are prone to bouts of cannibalism and infanticide, so in essence yes it is true to say they want to and will eat your children.

I heard two men got married in New Zealand just for the laugh even though they’re heterosexuals, will that happen here?

That’s the problem with heterosexuals if they’re not getting gay married in New Zealand for a laugh, they’re getting straight married in Las Vegas for a laugh. Unfortunately heterosexuals getting married is legal the world over.

I am still undecided. Is mustering the energy required for me to pick a side really worth it?

Of course not, having the opportunity to positively or negatively affect the society you live is better off left unrealised.

Homicide and ‘the Homo Side’ sound very similar, should I be worried?

You’re 100% right they do sound similar, well done for spotting that. However, it is just mere coincidence that they sound similar to one another, there is no sinister overtones to this one I’m afraid. Actually now that we think about it a bit more…

I go to mass, is my opinion more important than facts?

Sadly it is not. Facts, beloved by the yes campaign are made out of graphite and reinforced steel whereas the opinion of a church goer is made of mostly soggy grass.

I’m cold.

I’m sorry but that is not a question, rather it is a statement.

Are homosexuals, famed for their aggressive nature, bullying conservative catholics, famed for their unopressive tendencies, into voting yes?

Despite the very real ‘homo Agresso’ stereotype, the homosexual community are using readily available and nearby supplies of logic to suppress a small percentage of conservative catholics.

For fuck sake, will someone just tell me definitively, is it about ‘the children’ or not?

It is not about the children. It is about equality…but then they told us 9/11 wasn’t an inside job.

Will 1950s Ireland cry if the referendum passes?

More than likely, yes.

Some of my best friends are gay people who don’t deserve the same rights as I do

Once again, that’s not a question, more of a statement. A horrible statement actually.

Sorry, just making sure here now but is it about the children?

Ah for fuck sake.