PICTURED: A huge fan of Simpsons Season 29

Hello, America. It’s me, Gary Newman, the co-CEO of FOX’s TV division. I know a lot of you are pretty upset right now; believe me, I’m upset too! It seems folks out there just can’t understand why Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Last Man on Earth, & The Mick, all funny, energetic, original series, were put to the sword this week, while the desiccated husk of The Simpsons gets to keep on going, as racistly as it pleases. So, I’d like to clear the air: the Devil made me do it.

No, really! Think about it: how could a shambling mound like The Simpsons be on Season 29, with no signs of stopping, while other, smarter, newer shows die by the score? How could a show that has been reduced to making sequels of episodes that don’t need it, that is so slow it did a Pokemon Go episode in 2017, that when presented with thoughtful critique responds with a dismissive shrug — how the Hell could that bloated corpse keep shuffling along? I mean, it’s not like Simpsons’ ratings are that much higher than the rest. They’re really not! The true answer, which is the only reasonable answer, is that Satan pulls the strings. And Satan fucking loves The Simpsons.

We had to cancel something, you understand. Broadcast TV is dying, & we needed something to refresh Sundays for the few remaining advertisers. I suggested, foolishly, dumping the tired yellow albatross from our schedules, once & for all. He instantly turned my secretary into a toad, & demanded a blood sacrifice — in the form of the only funny shows we have on the roster. So, it’s kind of my fault, & I’m sorry about that, but I wasn’t about to let him eat my kids! You can understand, can’t you?

He hangs around the building, you know — no, this isn’t a metaphor for Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch’s made his own deals with Ol’ Scratch; the TV division proudly maintains its separation from the literal demon factory known as FOX News. No, I mean the real Devil, the supernatural foe of all things Good; he has his own office. It is just decked out, wall-to-wall, in every kind of Simpsons memorabilia known to man — & a few that are too ghoulish for mortal eyes to comprehend. I heard an intern once accidentally wandered in there, & caught a glimpse of a prototype for a Simpsons Transformer that hawked something called “Butterfingers Buzz,” which had caffeine in it. The poor gal went…quite mad. And what did that jackass Beelzebub have to say about it?

I’m sure you can guess, because the Devil’s a miserable hack. He seriously said, unironically: “Don’t have a cow, man!”

And then he laughed for, like, twelve minutes straight.

“Don’t have a cow, man!”

I mean, is there any lamer Simpsons quote to pull out, at this point? Maybe “Eat my shorts.” Mayyyybe. Both of were played out by 1993! And still, he trots the “joke” out at every opportunity. At first I thought he was just taunting us. I thought he couldn’t possibly like the soulless piece of shit that Simpsons had become. Dude loves souls! That’s his whole deal! But no. He genuinely loves the show, even more than souls. Like after the Apu episode aired — where, again, this venerable, “edgy” TV megalith decided that handling societal change was just too annoying to bother with — he went around the office the next day, excitedly talking about how “cool” it was that the show “tackled the issue head-on.” He meant it. He meant every word.

So, I’m really sorry everyone. I didn’t want those shows to go either. But, what am I going to do? It’s not like TV executives are old, fearful, or racist. No, it’s the Devil’s fault. If it weren’t for the Lord of Flies himself, FOX would be a really good network that only ever made good decisions. But, my hands are tied. Until someone kills Satan, or at least gets him hooked on some other crappy show that should have ended years ago, we’re stuck with The Simpsons & with FOX always cancelling anything good.

Ugh. I gotta go. He’s knocking on my door. He has finally come for me…to pitch his awful idea for a Krusty spinoff.

And I’m going to have to greenlight it.