A widower who feels so alone has considered taking his own life. Mariella Frostrup replies that it is shameful that the rest of us have allowed this to happen – and also suggests ways to tentatively re-engage with the world

The dilemma I am an 81-year-old widower whose wife died three years ago after 30 wonderful years together. My family are very supportive, and I have very good friends and neighbours, which helps me manage myself and my home independently. I am still able to drive, which is essential in this rural community. I am very busy in the local community, and I keep myself active. I do, however, return to a lonely house. I have considered suicide, but have decided that this would be a lot of hassle for my family, who all live some distance away. I don’t know what help you can be, and I realise that there are many people in a similar position, but writing to you has eased the situation somewhat.

Mariella replies I’m so glad you wrote. How shameful for the rest of us that you should be feeling this way. As you are no doubt aware, you are one of a growing multitude of older people, still leading healthy active lives, in a world that seems oblivious once you’re past 70. If there’s one thing more old-fashioned than our ridiculous class system, it has to be attitudes to old age. Far more “primitive” societies have the sophistication to recognise the asset that maturity is and value it highly. In the UK, the number of elderly who are so lonely they contemplate suicide, despite having no serious illness or disability to contend with, is a national disgrace.

You clearly recognise the damage taking your own life would wreak among those who care about you. Nevertheless I’d urge you to call one of the many wonderful organisations who are happy to offer a listening ear (see below), especially if those dark thoughts start to predominate.

You’ll find people want to help when they know what you need

I imagine one of the worst things about a long timeline is that there is no point at which we feel we’re actually past it, unless we find ourselves debilitated and unable to look after ourselves. You are clearly a spirited octogenarian, perfectly capable of caring for yourself and still active within your community. So it’s hard to suggest one of the obvious routes to making new companions, which would be to move into one of the increasing number of communal-living projects that are springing up around the country.

One of the misnomers about ageing is that you grow into your years. If you’re like me you’ll be looking in the mirror and wondering whose face it is reflected back at you, because the person inside feels much the same way as they did at 40.

Have you thought about taking in a lodger, maybe a young person in need of a roof over their head? In our overcrowded land, house sharing should be appropriate at any age, not just reserved for youth. I recently had a best friend come back from many years abroad and share my flat for a few months. It was a revelation in terms of the easy companionship it offered but this Friends scenario was greeted with incredulity and raised eyebrows by our contemporaries. In adulthood, we’re meant to settle down into family units and stay in them until death us do part, not share a glass of wine of an evening with someone you don’t share your bed with. And when permanent parting inevitably occurs, there’s little focus on what we’re meant to do next. It sounds to me like you have a lot to offer in terms of companionship and there are plenty of others in the same boat, so it’s a question of putting those two elements together.

There is nothing shameful in feeling lonely, the shame is on us for being so blind to the lives of others. It’s all too easy for individuals outside the mainstream cut and thrust to find themselves pushed out of the prevailing current and left stranded high and dry. You say that writing to me has already made you feel better and that indicates that previously you’ve been uncomfortable about admitting your feelings and are used to putting a brave face on your sense of isolation. It’s such a relief to let our defences down. Your letter should be the first step in a process of pushing yourself back into life. There is a populous world out there of people your age and younger, with similar interests. Whether it’s a group within your local community, an online chatroom of like-minded souls, or a long-cherished interest you can immerse yourself in, it may be time to put yourself outside your comfort zone.

Your family need to know you are lonely, as do your friends. I’m sure you’ll find people are glad to help when they know what’s required. More often than not when we extend a hand, someone will grasp it, but we first need to take the leap of faith and reach out. If the avenues to go down are too few in your current location, what’s to stop you moving closer to civilisation, or at least a larger catchment area?

In my local town there’s a long-established, subsidised communal living centre with self-contained apartments, an organic garden that you can work an allotment in and regular socials, whether it’s cards or movie nights. Some days I find myself looking forward to the day when I can give up living like a “responsible” adult and return to the pleasures of sharing a home with my contemporaries, among whom I’ll hopefully find new friends. A first step if you have a spare room is to rent it out to an acceptable individual and see how this shapes up.

There’s no age limit on friendship and there are plenty of people out there desperate for accommodation, or company, or both. You could be handing someone a lifeline. I suspect you won’t need to take either step. The minute you are honest with those around you and tell them how you are feeling, I suspect you’ll discover many new friends just waiting for you to give them permission to bustle into your life. Please write and let me know how you get on.

If you are affected by these issues, call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit mind.org.uk for information on loneliness

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1