Late this Wednesday, a rally formed outside of the Kellogg Center in anticipation of the former president, Kill Bill Vol. 2 Clinton. The rally was unfortunately comprised of angry students and not the cool racecars that drive through the woods.

One of the genius instigators, megaphone in hand, corralled the protestors into the middle of street where they could be more easily hit by anxious CATA drivers. Location and safety aside, their demands were simple: “Stop Bill Clinton From Bringing ISIS To Our Campus, And Also Please No More Blackened Chicken From Shaw Caf, That Shit Is Not Edible.”

Unfortunately, their pleas fell on deaf ears when one passerby kindly informed the protesters that Bill Clinton, son of William Jefferson Blyth, Jr. and husband of a soon-to-be-presidential-campaign-runner-up, is in fact, not pro-ISIS, and has absolutely no connection to the affairs mentioned in the protest.

A new mission was developed after their first minor speed bump. The protestors relit their torches and gathered more pitchforks. With their new objective in sight, they set out to picket Lou Anna K. Simon’s controversial decision to serve roast beef on Thanksgiving, as opposed to the traditional oven-roasted turkey that her family and close relatives were expecting.

Last year’s holiday supper was prepared so wonderfully, and fans of her cooking are outraged. Turkey is a tradition. To serve anything else is un-American, and frankly, even worse than serving coffee in a plain red cup. After realizing that this really isn’t a huge deal after all, the protesters again changed their mission and started chanting about our school president’s unquestionable, unvarying, and undeniable relationship with ISIS.

The protests ended with a dramatic reenactment of the final scene from Braveheart, where Mel Gibson yells, “FREEDOM!” before getting his head lopped off. To really drive their point home, the protestors used a real student, and are all being charged with third degree murder, attempted assault, and loitering.