Chris Rock Bigger And Blacker Script - Dialogue Transcript

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Chris Rock Bigger And Blacker Script

Ladies and gentlemen... live from the world-famous Apollo Theater... in Harlem, New York. Are you ready? Please welcome Mr. Chris Rock! What's up... New York? There's Brooklyn in the house. Well, l'm from Brooklyn. Shit, look at this. White people are up top tonight. You know, l was just in my hotel, a little while ago, on my way here... and l got in the elevator, right? l'm getting in the elevator... and these two high-school white boys try to get on with me... and l just dove off. l said, ''Y'all ain't killing me!'' l am scared of young white boys. lf you white and under l am running for the hills. What the hell is wrong with these white kids shooting up the school? They don't even wait till : either. Killing people in the morning. That ain't right. The Trenchcoat Mafia. ''No one will play with us. ''We have no friends. We're the Trenchcoat Mafia.'' Hey, l saw the yearbook pictures. lt was six of them. l didn't have six friends in high school. l don't got six friends now. Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court. What the hell is wrong with these kids? l got people telling me, ''Come on, Chris. Come up to a school. Talk to the kids.'' l'm like, ''Fuck the kids! ''Do you got a vest? Maybe l'll think about it.'' Everybody wants to know what the kids was listening to. What kind of music was they listening to? Or what kind of movies was they watching? Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy? What happened to crazy? What, you can't be crazy no more? Did we eliminate ''crazy'' from the dictionary? Fuck the records. Fuck the movies. Crazy! When l was a kid, they used to separate the crazy kids from everybody. When l was a kid, the crazy kids went to school in a little-ass bus. They had a class at the end of the school... and they used to get out of school at : . Just in case they went crazy... they would only hurt other crazy kids. And we was all safe. We was all safe. Damn, the world's coming to an end. You'll have little white kids saying: ''l want to go to a black school where it's safe.'' That's right, man. And everybody's talking about gun control, got to get rid of the guns. Fuck that. l like guns. You got a gun, you don't have to work out. l ain't working out. l ain't jogging. You got pecs, l got Tecs. Fuck that shit. You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. l think all bullets should cost $ . $ for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $ there'd be no more innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ''Damn, he must have did something. ''Shit, they put $ worth of bullets in his ass.'' People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $ . ''Man, l would blow your fucking head off, if l could afford it. ''l'm gonna get me another job, l'm gonna start saving some money... ''and you're a dead man. ''You better hope l can't get no bullets on layaway.'' So even if you get shot by a stray bullet... you won't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ''l believe you got my property.'' That's right, man. See, everybody blames the kids as fucking crazy. Everybody wants to be mad at the kids for shooting up the school. What about the parents? The parents. The parents is really fucked up, man. Their damn parents need to go to jail for some of this fucking shit, man. 'Cause everybody knows that crazy-ass kid that went to jail. You go, ''Man, he ain't never had a chance. ''lf you'd known his mama, you'd know he gonna be there.'' l was at the club the other night, down at Life, chilling at the club. l'm chilling with this girl. She was dancing. lt was about : a.m. l'm talking to her, and realized she had two kids at home. l don't mind the two kids at home, that's all good. But l'm like, ''What the fuck are you doing in a club... ''at : in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night? ''What the fuck are you doing here? ''ls it your birthday? ''Did you get a raise? ''Well, you got to get the fuck out. ''You go. l'm kicking you the fuck out. Yes, bye! ''Go take care of them kids before they rob me in years.'' You got to get your kid on or your groove on. You can't get both on at the same time. l'm tired of this shit. And a bunch of girls are like: ''You don't need no man to help you raise no child.'' Shut the fuck up with the bullshit. Yeah, you can do it without a man but that don't mean it's to be done. Shit, you could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don't make it a good fucking idea. l don't give a fuck. You could be the baddest mama on earth. l don't give a fuck how good you are. Ain't nothing you can say more powerful than, ''l'm gonna tell your daddy.'' Can't fuck with it. Can't come close to, ''l'm gonna tell your daddy.'' You can have a gun at the kid's head, ''l'll blow your fucking head off.'' -''So what?'' -''l'll tell your daddy.'' ''Okay, okay.'' Can't fuck with it, man. l'm tired of bumping into these girls at the club... all late on a fucking weeknight. l got a little cousin who got left back in the first grade. Left back in the first grade... 'cause his mama's out getting the groove on. You know how dumb you got to be... to get left back in the first grade? ''What's four plus four?'' ''Jell-O.'' But that ain't his fault. That's the mama's fault. That's the mama's fucking fault. That's right. l'm telling my cousin, ''Tina, talk to your fucking kid. ''Talk to him, teach him some shit. ''lf you said more words to him than, 'Mommy be back'... ''he might know something.'' That's right. And it's real easy to tell who kids are gonna be fucked up. lt don't take no scientist to tell who's gonna have some fucked-up kids. lf the kid calls his grandmamma ''Mommy''... and his mama ''Pam,'' he's going to jail. You ain't saving no college money, you saving bail money. That money's going to Johnnie Cochran. That's right. lf the kid can't read, that's Mama's fault. That is Mama's fucking fault. Now, if the kid can't read 'cause there ain't no lights in the house... that's Daddy's fault. You got this shit down? See, nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. There's some real daddies out there. l'm not talking about the guy that fucked you and left. Fuck him, okay? l'm talking about the real daddies. There's still some motherfuckers out there that handle their business. Motherfuckers wanna act like brothers.... There's some brothers that handle their business. 'Cause people don't give a fuck.... Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Everybody takes Daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio. Everything's ''Mama. Dear Mama. Always loved my Mama.'' What's the Daddy song? Papa was a Rollin' Stone. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody appreciates Daddy. Now, Mama's got the roughest job. l ain't gonna front. But at least people appreciate Mama. Every time Mama do something right, Mama gets a compliment... 'cause women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes. That's right. Women got to hear it all the time, or they lose their minds. And get Daddy to make sure you thank your mama for everything. ''Tell your mama how good the food is. Tell her how nice the house looks. ''Tell your mama how nice her hair looks. ''Did you tell your mama? You better go in there and tell your mama.'' That's right! ''Tell your mama.'' Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. l'm talking about the real daddies that handle their fucking business. Nobody ever says, ''Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent.'' ''Hey, Daddy, l sure love this hot water.'' ''Hey, Daddy, this is easy to read with all this light.'' Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. l'm talking about a daddy that handles his business. Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Think about everything that the real daddy does: pay the bills, buy the food, put a fucking roof over your head. Everything you could ever ask for. Make your world a better, safer place. And what does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. That's all Daddy gets... is the big piece of chicken. That's right. And some women don't want to give up the big piece of chicken. ''Who the fuck is you... ''to keep the big piece of chicken? ''How dare you keep the big piece of chicken!'' A man can't work hours and come home to a wing. When l was a kid, my mama would lose her mind... if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident. ''What the fuck! You ate the big piece of chicken? ''Oh, Lord! No, no. ''Now l got to take some chicken and sew it up and shit. ''Get me two wings and a pork chop. Daddy'll never know the difference.'' Just can't do it. Can't do it. l don't know, man. The world's nuts. lt's all good for Clinton. Any time something bad happens, it's good for Bill Clinton. Just gets people off his ass. ''Stop thinking about me. Good. Kids got shot. Good. ''Good. People are not thinking about me. ''Tornadoes. Good. ''People ain't thinking about me.'' Clinton damn near got impeached, for what? For what? Lied about a blowjob so his wife wouldn't find out. ls that against the law? Do you need the Supreme Court for that one? You could have took that one to The People's Court! Could have took that one to Judge Judy. She'd have knocked it out in a half hour, plus commercials. What the fuck did Clinton do? They was charging him with shit l didn't even know was crimes. ''You got her some gifts.'' So what he got her gifts? That's his friend. You can't buy your friend a gift? ''Tried to get her a job.'' You can't get your friend a job? Shit, % of the people in this room got their job... because a friend recommended them. lt's against the law to get your friend a job? Shit, she blew him for a couple of months. The least he could do is give her a recommendation! lt's the least he could do. See, people... everybody expects this holy behavior 'cause he's the President. Expect him to behave this holy way. He's just the President. He ain't Rev. Clinton. lt ain't Pastor Clinton. lt ain't Maharajah Clinton. lt is just Bill Clinton. He's just a man. A man's gonna be a man. A man is basically as faithful as his options. That's how faithful a man is, no more, no less. You see all these fat Republican guys going: ''l would never do such a thing. This is a travesty.'' l'm like, ''Nobody's trying to blow you.'' Ain't no -year-old girls trying to blow Orrin Hatch. Ain't nobody trying to give Newt Gingrich some. l don't give a fuck, you ain't never gonna hear Newt Gingrich go: ''Man, l wish these hoes would back up off me. ''l wish they would just back the fuck up off me.'' Let a player play, shit! That's right. lt's damn near impossible for a man to turn down sex. lt's hard for a man to turn down sex. We can stop chasing it, and even that requires some rehab. But it's hard for a man to stop. lf it chase us, we can't run that fast. lt's gonna catch us, we're like: ''Shit, pulled a hamstring. You got me.'' You can't run that fast. See, it's easy for women to turn down sex. lt ain't shit for y'all to turn down sex. lt ain't no thing for y'all to turn down sex. Y'all like, ''Why can't you turn it down? l do it all the time. ''Why can't you say no? l say no.'' See, it's easy for y'all. You know why? 'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were ... every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right. Women are offered dick every day. Every woman in here... gets offered dick at least three times a week. Three times a day, shit! That's right, every time a man's being nice to you... all he's doing is offering dick. That's all it is. ''Can l get that for you? How about some dick?'' ''Could l help you with that? Could l help you to some dick? ''Do you need some dick?'' Nobody offers us shit. We got to fend for ourselves. We can't believe it when we get an offer. We're like, ''Damn, this is my lucky day.'' That's right, man. See, this whole Monica Lewinsky scandal, a lot of this shit is Hillary's fault. That's right, l said it. l said it. lt had to be said. Somebody got to say it. Everybody's like, ''Hillary's a hero.'' No, she ain't. Aquaman's a hero. He can talk to the fishes. What the fuck can Hillary do? A lot of this shit is Hillary's fault, 'cause, ladies, you know your man. You know your man better than he knows himself. You know what kind of man you got. You know if you got the crazy, need-a-blowjob-all-the-time man. So sometimes you gotta save your man from himself. So you know what happens if he don't get his medicine. So Hillary Clinton put us all in danger. She put the security of the free world in jeopardy... and she needs to suffer the consequences for her actions. That's right, she's the First Lady. She's supposed to be the first one on her knees to suck his dick! Shit! That's right. Monica Lewinsky shouldn't have even stood a chance. Hillary's supposed to already be down there like, ''Hey, l got it. ''l've got it. l got the dick. ''Tickle his ass, or something. ''Yeah, grab a ball, make yourself useful.'' And they always been on Clinton. Before any of this happened, they was on Clinton. What was they on him for? Gays in the military. Everybody says, ''Don't let them in.'' lf they wanna fight, let them fight, 'cause l ain't fighting. l wouldn't give a fuck if l saw a Russian tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue. l ain't shooting nobody. So call me a faggot. When the war is over, l'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you. You know what's fucked up? Everybody gets so homophobic. People, we need to cut that shit out... 'cause everybody in this room got at least a gay cousin. Every last one of you got a gay cousin. You knew he was gay when y'all was kids. You was playing ball, he was jumping rope. He didn't turn gay, he was gay then. He just didn't have nobody to be gay with. Shit, l got a gay uncle. Call him Aunt Tom. Every Christmas, he comes over with his ''friend.'' See, it don't make no sense to hate nobody. lt don't make no sense to be a racist, sexist, or nothing, but.... lt don't. lt doesn't. lt don't make no sense... 'cause whoever you hate will end up in your family. That's right, you don't like gays, you're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with ''Livin' la vida loca!'' Don't you just love that shit? That's a catchy-ass song. You just want to jump up on shit. ''Livin' la vida loca! ''Come on!'' l feel that shit. l'll be driving, ''Livin' la vida loca!'' l love that shit. That ain't going nowhere. That's gonna be out a long time. That shit is like the Puerto Rican Whoomp! (There It Is)! l was talking about my gay uncle. See, your uncles prepare you for life. lf you got enough uncles, they'll prepare you for life... 'cause you got every type of uncle. You got your gay uncle, you got your alcoholic uncle. You got your stealing uncle. You got your molester uncle. Everybody's got that one molester uncle. Your mama's like, ''Where them kids at?'' -''They're with Johnny.'' -''Get them kids! ''Hurry up, get them kids! Don't leave them with your Uncle Johnny!'' Later on, you get molested, your mama get mad at you. ''That's what you get. ''Hanging around fucking Johnny. l told you about that shit! ''Now walk it off!'' That's your family. l don't know. Let's talk about Clinton. One thing Clinton did l didn't like, raise taxes. Taxes all high and shit. You know what's fucked-up about taxes? You don't even pay taxes. They take tax. You get your check, money gone. That ain't a payment, that's a jack. Got all these taxes: city tax, state tax, Social Security tax. You don't get the money until you're . Meanwhile, the average black man dies at . Shit, we should get Social Security at ! What the fuck, man? We don't live that long. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD, something will get you. What the fuck is up with the police? My God! l am scared. l didn't get rid of no guns. Fuck that shit. And l had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad... made me think l stole my own car. ''Get out the car, get out the fucking car! You stole this car!'' l'm like, ''Damn, maybe l did. ''Oh, Lord, l done stole a car.'' You know what's worse than taxes? What's worse than tax is insurance. You got to have some insurance. They shouldn't even call it insurance. They just should call it ''in case shit.'' l give a company some money in case shit happens. Now, if shit don't happen, shouldn't l get my money back? That's right, man, you better have some medical insurance, or you gonna die. That's right, everybody. You got to eat right and exercise. No, you don't, you need some coverage. Coverage will save your life. That's right, we all gonna die, but at least if you got some coverage... you will die on a mattress. That's right. When l was a kid, we didn't have no insurance. We didn't have a damn thing. You had to be damn near dead to see the doctor. You had to be way past Robitussin. That's all we had when l was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. -''Daddy, l got asthma.'' -''Robitussin.'' -''l got cancer.'' -''Robitussin.'' l broke my leg, Daddy poured Robitussin on it. ''Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. ''Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. ''The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone. lt's good. ''lf you run out of 'tussin, put some water in the jar, shake it up, more 'tussin. ''More 'tussin!'' Y'all like doctors 'cause they don't cure shit. They don't cure nothing. Same diseases been hanging out since l was a kid, man. What's the last shit a doctor cured? Polio. You know how long ago polio was? That's like the first season of Lucy. Shit, Fred had an Afro with finger waves! Have you ever met anybody with polio? Anybody feel a little 'poly around you? No. That's right, they don't cure shit. The same diseases been hanging out since l was a kid: AlDS, sickle cell, tuberculosis, cancer, Jerry's kids still limping around. l've been watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon... for probably about or years now. Not one stitch of progress whatsoever. Come on, man. Lie to me, Jerry! What the fuck you doing, Jerry? Put a stick in the kid's back, prop him up or some shit! Come on, call Steven Spielberg. Get some special effects on this shit! Get George Lucas on the case! CGl, motherfucker! What the fuck! Tie some string around him, make a cripple puppet or some shit. Lie to me! Where the fuck's the money going? What, to keep Jerry's hair black? Where's the money going? Think about it. Frank Sinatra: dead. Dean Martin: dead. Sammy Davis: dead. Jerry Lewis got a full head of black hair. And if you ain't gonna cure the disease, cut the kids a check! That's right, you know the little boy who's getting ready to die? Get him a table dance. Get him a table dance, for Christ's sake! l'm sure the Make-A-Wish people hear that request every now and then. Get the boy a table dance. ''What do you want, Jimmy? You're dying. Wanna meet Jim Carrey?'' ''No, l want some big titties in my face. ''lt's my last wish, come on.'' That's right, man. That's right, we got AlDS out there. You think they're gonna cure AlDS? No, they can't even cure athlete's foot. They ain't curing AlDS. Shit, they ain't never curing AlDS. Don't even think about that shit. They ain't curing it, 'cause there ain't no money in the cure. The money's in the medicine. That's how you get paid, on the comeback. That's how a drug dealer makes his money, on the comeback. That's all the government is: a bunch of motherfucking drug dealers, on the comeback. They ain't curing no AlDS. That's all it is. You think they're gonna cure AlDS? They're still mad at all the money they lost on polio! Curing AlDS? Shit, that's like Cadillac making a car that lasts for years. And you know they can do it... but they ain't gonna do nothing that fucking dumb. Shit, they got metal on the space shuttle that can go around the moon... and withstand temperatures of up to degrees. You mean to tell me you don't think they can make an Eldorado... where the fucking bumper don't fall off? They can, but they won't. So what they will do with AlDS is the same thing they do with everything else. They will figure out a way for you to live with it. They don't cure shit, they just patch it up. Get you to the next stop, so they can get more of your money. They ain't gonna cure it. Hopefully, in our lifetime, you're gonna see somebody go: ''Yo, man, you weren't at work yesterday. What's up?'' ''My AlDS is acting up. ''You know, when the weather get like this, my AlDS just pop up. ''But l took some Robitussin. l'm fine now!'' That's right, man. AlDS is scary, man. l took my AlDS test, passed it, got . You know what's scary about the AlDS test? What's scary is you don't get the results back for five days. Five days, that's a long time. And you know what happens in those five days? You start reflecting. You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... questionable piece of sex you ever had... and everybody got a few. And you're like, ''God, what the fuck was l thinking? '' . She didn't even have teeth! ''Oh, God! ''What the fuck was on my mind?'' lt's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes. ''Remember me? l'm ltchy, the stripper from Miami.'' You know what else happens after you take an AlDS test? You start calling up people to see if they're alive. -''Hello, can l speak to Lisa?'' -''This is Lisa.'' -''Hello, can l speak to Tammy?'' -''Tammy dead.'' ''What happened?'' ''She got hit by a bus.'' ''Thank the Lord! Yes! ''Go Greyhound! ''Yeah, she got hit by a bus!'' ''Livin' la vida loca!'' At least they're still working on AlDS. At least they're trying to get rid of AlDS. Some diseases, they just gave up on. There's some diseases, if you get them, you on your own. They ain't gonna have no telethon for you... R. Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this shit, that's right. You get paralyzed, they don't got shit for you. Look at Christopher Reeve, paralyzed. Superman can't walk. What kind of sorry-ass shit is that? Superman can't walk. What's next? What the fuck! Aquaman gonna drown in the tub? What the fuck kind of injustice is this? Superman can't walk. The Hulk gonna get the gout? What the fuck! Superman can't walk. Now you go tell a doctor you paralyzed, they don't got shit for you. ''Doc, l'm paralyzed. What you got?'' ''Why don't you take this chair and roll your ass around town?'' ''ls that all the fuck you got is a goddamn chair? ''Where do l take this prescription, to a furniture store, motherfucker? ''l gotta go to lKEA? What the fuck is this shit? ''l said l can't walk. l didn't say l can't sit!'' That's right. And if you go blind, they don't got shit for you. Look at Stevie Wonder, been blind for -something years... got all the money in the world. Don't know if he got hundreds or ones! lt's just a stack to Stevie. They don't got.... Stevie can't see shit. Can't see the day, the night, the shadow, the shade, can't even get a peek! Just a peek. Can we help Stevie get a peek? Get a fucking peek! The man wrote Songs in the Key of Life, Talking Book, Innervisions. Can we get this brother a peek? Just a fucking peek! ls that asking for too much? Just a.... That's it. You tell the doctor you're blind, he don't got shit for you. ''Doc, l'm blind. What you got?'' ''Why don't you take this dog and have the dog drag your blind ass around town?'' ''That's all the fuck you got, is a damn dog? Man, if l could see, l would whup your ass! ''A fucking dog! What the fuck is wrong with you? ''Come on, give me a midget or something!'' That's right, blind people should get midgets. All blind people should get midgets. lt's hard enough living life when you're blind. Now they gotta learn how to talk dog. What kind of shit is that? You can't see, so you can't read the dog's lips. You just listen. ''What, my shoelace untied? What?'' ''ls it cold outside? What?'' ''ls somebody at the door? What, motherfucker?'' Just give blind people midgets. And if you're a midget, it's already hard enough to get a job. Just have the midget tell the blind man where to go. Be a seeing-eye man. Just walk in front of the blind man like, ''Yo, man, you gotta make a left. ''Just make a left, brother.'' Racism everywhere, everybody pissed off. Black people yelling, ''Racism.'' White people yelling, ''Reverse racism.'' Chinese people yelling, ''Sideways racism!'' And the lndians ain't yelling shit 'cause they dead. So everybody bitch about how bad their people got it. Nobody got it worse than the American lndian. Everybody need to calm the fuck down. lndians got it bad. lndians got it the worst. You know how bad the lndians got it? When's the last time you met two lndians? You ain't never met two lndians. Shit, l have seen a polar bear ride a fucking tricycle in my lifetime. l have never seen an lndian family that's chilling out at Red Lobster. Never seen it. Everybody wanna save the environment. Shit, l see trees every fucking day! l don't never see no lndians. l went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. They didn't have enough lndians for that shit. They had a bunch of Pilgrims. When it came time for the lndians, they had three real lndians... and the rest was a bunch of Puerto Ricans with feathers in their hair. What the fuck! Shit, l know Puerto Ricans when l see them. You can't slip a Puerto Rican by me. That's not Pocahontas, that's Jennifer Lopez! Racism everywhere. Who's the maddest people? White people. Not y'all. Y'all all right. You paid money to see me, we cool. The feud is over. No, you watch the TV, watch Minutes. You see white people pissed off, man. Man, the white man thinks he's losing the country. You watch the news: ''We're losing everything. We're fucking losing. ''Affirmative action, and illegal aliens... ''and we're fucking losing the country.'' Losing? Shut the fuck up. White people ain't losing shit. lf y'all losing, who's winning? lt ain't us. lt ain't us. Have you driven around this motherfucker? lt ain't us. Shit, there ain't a white man in this room that would change places with me. None of you would change places with me. And l'm rich! That's how good it is to be white. There's a white, one-legged busboy in here right now... that won't change places with my black ass. He's going, ''No, man, l don't wanna switch. l wanna ride this white thing out. ''See where it takes me.'' That's right, 'cause when you white, the sky's the limit. When you black, the limit's the sky! That's right, man. Now, when it comes to racism... do you know who the most racist people are for real, the real most racist people? Old black men. You find a brother over .... l know you white people know an old black man. You go, ''Willie at the job, he's so nice.'' Willie hates your guts. There's nothing more racist than an old black man. You know why? 'Cause an old black man went through some real racism. He didn't go through that l-can't-get-a-cab shit. He was the cab. A white man just jump on his back, ''Main Street. ''Left, nigger! ''Left, you fucking nigger!'' You know what's wild about the old black men? An old black man, he ain't gonna let you fuck up his money. Whenever an old black man sees an old white man... the old black man always kisses the old white man's ass. ''How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you. Whatever l can get you, you let me know.'' As soon as the white man get out of sight, he's like: ''Cracker-ass cracker! ''l'll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! ''l wish that cracker would've said some shit to me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker! ''Cracker, kiss my ass, you fucking cracker!'' The white man come back. ''Howdy, sir?'' l got an uncle real crazy. My uncle B., years old, hates the white people, married to a white lady. And he sits around going, ''These crackers ain't shit, except for Susie.'' He tried to explain the whole thing to me one day. He said, ''Yeah, l got a white wife. l love her, she love me. That's all that matters. ''But l'll tell you this: if the revolution ever come, l'll kill her first... ''just to show these crackers l mean business! ''Motherfucker, cracker-ass, motherfucker cracker! Shit, cracker, motherfucker! ''Hi, honey. ''Motherfucker cracker. l'll kill my cracker kids, too!'' That's right, man. l don't know, black.... What do we need, y'all? l think we need a new leader. We ain't had a black leader in a while. ln a long time. Somebody that moves you. You know, we had Martin Luther King, Malcolm X... and ever since then, a bunch of substitute teachers. We ain't had the real thing. l want a motherfucker to move me. Who we got? Let me break everybody down. We got Al Sharpton, all right. Al Sharpton's all right. He ain't Malcolm or Martin... but if you get your ass whupped by the cops, he's the guy to call. Of course, Al kind of looks like Bookman from Good Times... but don't let that fuck you up. Who else we got? Jesse Jackson. Jesse's all right. Jesse went over there, Jesse got them hostages. l don't know how the hell he did that shit. He went over there with no money, no sweet potato pie. What the fuck did Jesse say? Jesse must've been, like: ''Do you want the United States to really be mad at you? ''Give the hostages to me.'' That's what he said, you know. What else we got? Farrakhan? Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews, which is bugged. l get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. l never been in a barbershop... and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. ''l hate everybody! l don't care if you just got here.'' -''Hey, l'm Romanian.'' -''You Romanian cracker!'' We need a fucking leader, man. When we got no leaders, when something happens... we make the shit bigger than it is. lt's big, but don't make it bigger than it is. l'm watching the news, and like, ''Tupac Shakur was assassinated. ''Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets.'' l'm like, ''No, they wasn't!'' Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggers got shot. Shit, l love Tupac, l love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday. l don't think you'll see their pictures hanging up... in your grandmamma's living room. ''That's Abraham, Martin, and Pac. ''And right here, l got one of Jesus and Biggie on the seesaw. ''Jesus always in the air.'' We need a leader. You know who l think the black leader should be? -Who l think the black leader should be? -Who? Pat Riley. Coach Pat Riley. No man has led more black men to the promised land... than Coach Pat Riley. He may not get us to the mountaintop, but he'll get us to the playoffs. And that's all we want. We got a lot of women here tonight. Love the women. You know who my favorite women are? Big, fat, black women. Give me a sister about pounds. The best people in the whole world. You know why? 'Cause we live in a society where nobody likes who the fuck they are. Everybody's on Prozac, or some shit. Everybody's getting cosmetic surgery. Nobody likes who the fuck they are except fat, black women. Fat, black women don't give a fuck what you think. She's going out on Friday night. She got an outfit on. That shit match. She got the pumps on, and the pump fat coming out the pump. That's right. lt looks like they baking bread in her shoe. ''Baby, your foot ready yet? l'll just sprinkle some cinnamon on it.'' That's right. She got an anklet on, and that anklet's holding on for dear life. Black women don't give a fuck. She's like, ''l'm sexy. ''l am sexy, yes, l am! ''l am the sexiest motherfucker here tonight! ''Yeah, l got a gut. There's some good pussy under this gut!'' That's right. You want some of this so you can ''livin' la vida loca!'' Love the women, man. Women, women. What the fuck do y'all want? Do you know what you want? Do you know where you're going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Do you know? What the fuck do women want? l know what you want: everything. That's every woman's answer: ''Everything.'' Women want every fucking thing. Women act like life was just a big sale, or shit. ''l want to get the most shit before things close down.'' That's what fucking life is to a woman: everything. You know what men want? Food, sex, silence. That's it. Food, sex, silence. ''Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up!'' Our goals seem very attainable, don't they? Women, it's hard to figure women out. lt's hard being a guy. We always think we can buy sex. ''lf l take her here, she'll give me some. lf l buy her this, she'll give me some.'' Nothing get you nothing. A woman knows if she's gonna fuck you within the first five minutes of meeting you. Women know right away. They're shaking hands like, ''l'm gonna fuck him. ''l hope he don't say nothing too stupid.'' That's right, fellas, don't say nothing too stupid... because women are all about the mood. lf she's in the mood to fuck you, shut up and let it happen. 'Cause if you say the wrong thing, them panties are coming up mighty fast. ''What'd you say?'' She be on the phone with a girlfriend, ''Yeah, l was gonna give him some... ''but he just started talking. ''l hate a yakking man, child.'' That's right, man. Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it's hard to keep up the lie. 'Cause you can't get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can't get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act... sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative. That's right. Who are the biggest liars, men or women? -Men! -Women! Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies. Men, we lie all the time. We lie so much, it's damn near a language. lt's like, to call a man out for lying... is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him for double dribble. You gotta let some shit slide. Men, we lie all the time. You know what a man's lie is like? A man's lie is like, ''l was at Tony's house. ''l'm at Kenny's house.'' That's a man's lie. A women's lie is like, ''lt's your baby.'' We've all heard that one. -''lt don't even look like me.'' -''He's got your hat.'' That's right. Who the biggest liars? Women the biggest liars. Look at you, all of you. You're a fucking liar. You! You're a liar! You're all liars. All of you are fucking liars! Masters of the lie, the visual lie. Look at you. You got on heels, you ain't that tall. You got on makeup, your face don't look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain't that long. You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big. Everything about you is a lie, and you expect me to tell the truth? Fuck you! Men lie, we live lies. That's why we so crazy. Every now and then, we catch ourselves living a lie. We create a whole lie-world around us. For instance, every man in this room is hiding some porno in his house. Every man in here got a pornography stash in the crib. That's right. Not an illegal amount, just enough to get you by. Thank you. And when we hide porno, we go all out. lt ain't behind the refrigerator or under the bed. No, we become Batman when it's time to hide some porno. That's right, you hit the light switch, the whole bookshelf shifts to the side. You go down two flights of stairs into your porno cellar. Janet Jackme, Kobe Tai, Jenna Jameson, that's right. But women always find the porno. But they don't find it in the porno hiding place. Oh, no. Where do women find the porno at? ln the VCR. And fellas are like, ''Damn, how can l be so dumb to leave it in the VCR?'' l'll tell you why. 'Cause when you're jerking off, you ain't in your right state of mind. Your brain's all cloudy and foggy. l'll tell you exactly what happened. One day, your woman left early. You had the whole house to yourself. So you said, ''Let me get a little jerk before work.'' So you in the house, getting your jerk on. Nice good jerk, too. You know, that ain't-nobody-in-the-house jerk. That's a good jerk. lt ain't like that somebody-in-the-next-room jerk. That's a bad jerk. That's like, ''Who's that?'' l don't like that jerk. l'm talking about the good jerk, that nobody-ain't-home jerk. So you get the Vaseline ready... and you just look at your dick and go: ''Scream if you want to. No one's gonna hear.'' And right then, your relationship's in trouble. That's right. 'Cause if you can't share what you're like, you'll have problems. When you love somebody, you got to love everything about them. You got to love the crust of a motherfucker. You can't just love the white part of the bread. You gotta love the crust, the crumbs, the tiny crumbs at the bottom of the toaster. That's what the real motherfucker is. Whatever you into, your woman gotta be into, too, and vice versa... or the shit ain't gonna work. lt ain't gonna work. That's right. lf you born-again, your woman gotta be born-again, too. lf you a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead, too... or the shit won't work. You can't be like, ''l'm going to church, where you going?'' ''Hit the pipe!'' That relationship ain't going nowhere. Two crackheads can stay together forever. That's right, what's gonna happen? They're gonna stop fucking, that's right. They'll stop talking, stop fucking. You ever been in bed with your woman, both talking dirty, and you go too far? You ever say some shit that gets you kicked out of bed? And the woman's like, ''Fuck me, harder! Fuck me, Daddy, spank me!'' -''All right, you ho.'' -''Who you calling a ho? ''Who the fuck are you calling a ho? ''Untie me!'' l ain't no expert or no shit, but, fellas, if you're gonna talk dirty to your woman... you got to talk with authority. You can get a woman to do any nasty little thing you want. You say that shit like a man, make a little eye contact... put a little bass in your voice, she will do that shit. She wants to do that shit. She's dying to do that shit. Your woman is nastier than you ever imagined. But you gotta come correct... because anything you mumble ain't getting done. You can't be in bed all unsure, like, ''Excuse me.... ''Excuse me, l was wondering.... ''Ma'am, l have a request. Could you lick my balls?'' ''l ain't licking nothing. Lick your own balls!'' See, if you just said it right, you'd been in there. Now you got dry balls. That's right, confidence always wins. Do you realize, it is some women still don't give head? Ninety-fucking-nine. Whenever l meet a girl that doesn't give head... l look at them like a damn Betamax, ''They still make you?'' And when it comes to head, there's three types of women: A: Women that don't give head. Bye, leave, see you. B: Women that give you just enough head to shut you up. You ever meet them women? They're like, ''You okay?'' l hate them women! And number three, my favorite woman: the woman that likes nothing better than to suck a dick. That's right, God bless all of you! That's right, you make the world a better place to live in. l want you to suck my dick like you think the antidote's in it! Like you trying to get some Robitussin out of that motherfucker! That's right. Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? 'Cause at some point you just stop talking. That's right, everybody stops talking after a while. You know how it is. You come home and you start nodding. ''Yeah, we cool. ''l'm gonna get a little something to eat.'' Why do you stop talking? 'Cause at some point, you have heard everything this person has to say... and it makes you sick to your stomach. You know what they're gonna say before it even comes out their mouth... and you just wanna stab them in the neck with a pencil! Your can't take the shit no more! And they're like, ''Remember that time?'' ''Yeah, l remember that time!'' -''l ever tell you about--'' -''Yeah, you told me about that time! ''Stop telling me the same shit over and over again! ''Why don't you go out and get kidnapped, have some new shit happen to you?'' That's right. Fellas, you gotta talk. That's women's biggest complaint: ''You don't talk. ''You need to talk, let's talk. You don't talk.'' That's right. Women love to talk. lf they had talking in the Olympics, a man wouldn't stand a chance. Women love to talk, but they wanna talk to you. They wanna talk to their man. But women don't want you to talk-talk. Women just want you to listen-listen. All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions... that will allow her to run her fucking mouth! You set her up, she'll knock them down. Fellas, you want your woman to be happy? All you got to say is, ''How was your day? ''Honey, how was your day?'' Know why? 'Cause ''How was your day?'' is a -minute conversation to a woman. And as a man, you don't really gotta talk. You gotta just act like you're talking. ''Get out of here. Go on! l don't believe it. ''You don't say! Really? Get out of here! ''Go on. l don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here. ''l told you that bitch crazy!'' You gotta throw in, ''l told you that bitch crazy.'' You know why? 'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand. Women, y'all exaggerate everything. You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like: ''She's trying to destroy me!'' What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's! What's she doing, ripping up your paper? Fellas, you gotta talk. Women, exact opposite. Y'all gotta learn when not to talk. That's right. You ever notice how no man comes home straight from work? No man comes home straight from work. A man get off work, he got to go somewhere. He got to drink something, he got to smoke something... he got to watch the game, he got to hang with his boys... he got to take a drive. He got to do something that will mentally prepare him... for all the talking he gonna hear when he get home. Ladies, it ain't that you talk too much. You just talk too much as soon as we get in the fucking door. Let a man get situated. We don't need to hear everything right away. Soon as you take one step in, ''You're not gonna believe this....'' Let me get my other foot in the fucking door! Let me get something to eat! Let me get something to drink! Let me take a shit! Go in the fucking kitchen and get me my big piece of chicken! l'm out of here. Thank you, New York!