Single-player games are dead. Yeah, I said it—and sure, you can talk all you want about Spider-Man, and Tomb Raider, but the fact remains: there will never be a game that can beat the experience of rolling around with a couple of bros and gunning down other groups of bros with heavy artillery and then mimicking sex acts on their digital corpses. Fucking Slither.io is better than your average single-player game, because at least in that game I can name a snake “Hitler” and eat 12-year-olds across the nation.

Shit—if I really wanted to play a single-player game, I would have gotten Pornhub Premium. And they’re even doing that co-op bullshit with the comments, so they’re already on thin ice. Fuck The Witcher—Pornhub has got to be the most ambitious open-world experience ever created. You see those mountains in the distance? You can fuck those mountains. And once you fuck those mountains, you can fuck the mountains in the distance from those mountains; except those mountains are “amateur” mountains, and you’re masturbating.

That’s all the “storytelling” I need, Bethesda. Guy brings pizza, and then there’s sex. Is that so hard to understand? Come on, CD Projekt Red—the only dynamic choices I need to make are which link to click next. You throw VR into the mix, and you can throw Breath of the Wild out the fucking window. That’s a single-player masterpiece, and you can only play with a joystick, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, what was your question? Oh, yeah, I’ll preorder Cyberpunk 2077.