SALEM, MA—After wandering through his home district into a dim and dingy store he could have sworn had been an empty alleyway, Representative Seth Moulton (D-MA) was reportedly offered a chance to participate in the upcoming CNN presidential debate Tuesday by a mysterious shopkeeper who warned that the privilege would come at a terrible price. “Ah, Mr. Moulton, you strike me as a man of great ambition—perhaps there’s something among my wares that could help you achieve your most cherished desire, hmm?” said the old and withered proprietor, proffering a series of items to the congressman as her eyes reportedly glimmered with mischief. “This lavalier microphone will let you be the greatest public speaker there ever was, though you may find that the words you’re saying aren’t always your own. Or maybe you’d be interested in this American flag pin—it will energize your base by a hundredfold, yet for its last owner, being forever surrounded by obsessed, adoring fans was more than he bargained for. Nothing for nothing, Mr. Moulton, and everything in its time.” At press time, a thrilled Moulton was leaving the shop clutching a necktie guaranteed to give him fame while ignoring the shopkeeper’s veiled admonishment that its wearer would ultimately be doomed to a life of political obscurity.

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