We are back with another edition of Things My Husband Says During Outlander. This time, it’s episode two, Castle Leoch.

Glad so many of you enjoyed his puerile commentary on the first episode. I tried to contain his ego over getting hundreds of blog comments, FB shares and tweets, but basically it’s like living with Liberace now. He won’t even stop talking to himself in the mirror, practicing jokes. It’s awful. Also, looks like a bunch of you were super concerned last week over the state of my marriage. To that end, I thought I would quickly answer a few of the most oft asked comments.

Real Quick Disclaimer

No, my marriage is not in trouble. I would not have married this man if his talking during television/movie watching did not entertain me. It doesn’t have to entertain you, but if you think it might not, don’t read.

No, I don’t want to engage in physical violence of any sort (punching, gags, cutting out his tongue – wtf?) when he does this. I do, however, think about holding his mouth shut when he eats almonds. Because his jaw pops, and it DRIVES ME BANANAS. But no, hitting him never occurs to me in this situation. Some of you, if the comments from last week are any indication, might need anger management therapy.

Yes, I watched the episode by myself first. I mean, OF COURSE I did. I can’t type up all his comments AND keep my eyes on JAMMF at the same time. I’m not a wizard.

Ok, now that we got that out of the way … he starts off strong with a really smart observation about the opening credits.

Did they put those stones up for this show? Cause that looks like Stonehendge but I know it ain’t.

Victoria’s Secret Salesman-in-Training

Why is she not wearing a bra?

I don’t remember why she’s wearing that dress thing. It looks like a nightgown. That’s messed up.

The Yard Scene

That horse has one hairy ass leg

Ever seen Samuel L Jackson in a kilt? I saw it in a movie last night. It is EFFED up.

(30 sec later)

It was called Formula 51.

Ewwww.

The OveGlove

WTF are those arm things? Looks like she’s wearing socks on her arms.

Ovengloves or something.

[lady voice] She aint nothing but a wee twig.

VS Salesman-in-Training, Part 2

How the eff is she going to explain to someone if they see her bra when she takes that dress off?

Castle Critic

You know, if they had all those torches in there it would be so FREAKING smokey you wouldn’t be able to see.

Did you notice that copper pot is WAY TOO CLEAN to be in that fireplace?

[in pure shock] WTF happened to his back?

(giggles)

Lallybroch and Jenny

They’ve got a big place.

If he’s a lord, why’s he not dressed up nicer?

Is that [Black Jack] the funny guy that you like?

He’s doing her like an old grandmother wiping spit off your face.

BONY? OH, “bonny” … I thought he meant bony.

She’s got nice boobs. I don’t think you can really rip her dress open like that though. That’s some thick fabric.

Is that the chick from that Louis episode? She’s also in Orange is the New Black.

Oh, it’s not.

Yes, it is.

No, nevermind.

I do not think her ass is as big as that dress is making it look.

Did guys back then like you better if your ass was huge?

Jamie Jokes

(giggles)

So does that* mean she looks weird wearing this normal dress?

*by “that” he means the way Jenny was dressed

I didn’t think he knew she was married.

Real Quick Dialogue Addendum

Claire: I was thinking about my husband.

Him: [terrible Scottish accent] Now you can think about me as I’m boning you.

OveGlove is now a Sock Puppet

SOCK PUPPET WAKE UP CALL.

Look at her sock puppets. It’s all I can see.

(giggles) What was the point of the broth if she’s just gonna take it away?

Promoted to Victoria’s Secret Asst. Manager

(giggles)

A what*? Oh, France is the enemy.

*brasierre

Those* look just like yours.

*boobs

WTF is she doing for her? She can’t wear her normal stuff? Her own bra?

Let’s tie this big tube of fat crap around your waist.

Those shoes are, like, made of felt.

What is “Himself?” What does that even mean?

She looks so uncomfortable. That dress doesn’t even fit.

Colum’s Introduction

She doesn’t know what year it is yet? Couldn’t she have asked somebody?

WHAT THE F*** is wrong with that guy’s legs!!! Does he really look like that? The actor?

How is his beard totally white and his hair isn’t??

Santa using Loreal for Men.

LOOK AT THOSE LEGS. How does that not just break off?

He probably doesn’t even know what rape means back then. Probably wasn’t even a word back then.

Which one is his brother? The one with the silly hat?

Shift?? What’s that?

What’s funny about that is, her dress/shift/whatever probably had a name brand tag in it. OveGlove Lady is like WTF is this?? There’s no Kmart round here.

Promoted to Victoria Secret Creative Head

I think she needs to take off those modern arm condoms.

[MODERN ARM CONDOMS!!!! I was dying.]

Her boobs look a lot better now. She had on some weird droopy satin bra I’ve never seen before. Which is kind of weird. They don’t want you to dress all modest but they push your boobs to your chin.

Worried about Dinner Customs

She’s probably not supposed to bow is she? Curtsey. Whatever.

Why is she allowed to sit next to the king?

Wonder if that wine tasted terrible.

The real wonder here is why is his beard so straight and white?

He knows she’s lying.

Why can’t Jamie be in the walls? Is he a manwhore or something?

Good lord. He’s trying to get her drunk. That’s like her 4th glass.

He does NOT believe her. Bet he thinks she’s a spy .

Uh oh. They don’t shake hands I bet. Gonna give herself away.

Why does being bow-legged mean you can’t have kids??

I Think He Has Issues with Mrs. Fitz

Ew. She wiped the sweat off her face and then rolled it in the dough. Might as well scratch herself.

Stable Scene

Why is he watching her like that?

Where did she get a basket? Is she going shopping in the village? She has no cash.

That straw roof is not old enough! Looks like they put it up a week ago. They think we’re stupid watching this show?

It would have mold and shit growing in it.

(giggles)

That knife looks like an Oneida or somehting. Like someone took a butter knife out of our drawer.

OMG BALLS.

Pretty sure if that crouch was in any way real you’d be able to see his nuts.

AYE LOOK AT MY NUTS. LOOK AT THEM.

How come we can’t see his balls right now? Sneaky shadows and shit.

Freakin’ Scotland! I can’t understand anyone! Get the marbles out of your mouth, Groundskeeper Willy!

Ewww. [wee beasties]

Isn’t she not allowed not to talk to him like that back then?

Real Quick Dialogue Addendum

Claire: I found a keen pleasure in touching growing things once more.

Him: *snort* Especially penises.

Oh, Geillis

Who is this Seductress?

What is she doing? The way she’s standing it’s like someone is under her skirt having a good time.

MAN I take back what I said about the other girls ass in that skirt. This one’s is HUGE.

Back to Colum’s Legs

OMG I’m gonna throw up. They should just break off.

Down for a Beat Down

Is one of these guys f***ing the cow or something? What is there to argue about?

Pretty sure Claire’s gonna get in trouble for saying something on this one.

Claire’s gonna be like: “I can check her vagina to see if she’s had sex, put this whole thing to rest.”

Is Jamie gonna beat her?

Why is he doing this?

Isn’t he worried about hurting himself really badly again?

That guy [Dougal] does not like him.

What’s he gonna do punch him in the face? Is he not allowed to fight back?

If they’re friends why is he hitting him so hard?

Is that wink like “ease up.”

Blood. They’re done.

It aint over?

But blood was drawn.

WTF! Why would he punch him there?

Look at that blowlegged punkass just sitting up there, overseeing shit.

I don’t understand the point of that. How does it make him feel better?

Does he like that girl? Maybe he’s boning that girl.

She’s not even that cute.

Claire’s Surgery Scene

Is this like a room where you kill people or something? OH it’s where she got cunnilingus.

This must be like their doctor area.

Oh it is. I like when I’m right.

Don’t you think she’s being awfully defiant for this time period? I’m surprised he hasn’t just killed her by now.

Where is she not allowed to leave? Scotland or just Dougaltown?

Now get a broom, bitch and start sweeping.

His Final Review

It’s alright I guess.

No one’s hair is dirty enough. And I still don’t get how Jame’s balls weren’t flopping around in full view when he was crouching in front of us.

Man, oh man. It takes patience not to tell him when he’s right and what’s coming next. Check back with us next week for The Way Out. I’m sure he’s gone be REAL DOWN for the alcove scene.

If you’re into a this bit of irreverent critique, check out our weekly Outlander recap show with Hypable, Talking Outlander. It’ll definitely be up your alley.

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