Normal is such an odd idea. There is that wonderful quote about it being an illusion:









When I was younger, undiagnosed and in the traumatic environment of high school normal was what I longed to be because I was always acutely aware that normal, what everyone else was, was definitely not what I was.

This is a reality for most people these days. Normal is a beautiful butterfly with sparkles and rainbow coloured wings, beautiful and always just out of reach no matter how you try to catch it. This is because of a realisation which did not happen for me until I was 17, two years after diagnosis, that normal is an illusion.





Now I believe that normal is relative. What is normal for you is not the same as somebody else's normal. What is also very sad is that in my opinion normal changes.





Using myself as an example my view of normal as a child aged nine was really just beginning for me because I felt different to everyone else, they were normal and I was different, I did not understand it I was just aware of it and in hindsight this was a very negative thing for me. As much as I was not subjected to the prejudice that so many with autism are, I was still aware that I was different and that this was not necessarily a good thing.





Moving into the end of primary school I wanted to die, not kill myself but I did not want to live. I imagined that it would be far better if I did not wake up in the morning and that nobody would miss me. Something that is very sad at age 10/11 but it became normal for me because most of my day consisted of thoughts that a psychologist diagnoses you with depression when hearing that you think these things. To me at this time this was very normal because it never occurred to me that there was another way of thinking, that the majority of people around me did not think these things, that very few others my age would be not wanting to wake up in the morning. Looking back this is a prime example of when I do not have theory of mind; the awareness that other people have different thoughts to myself. Lacking or having impaired theory of mind is a sign of autism.





Going forward to when I started high school the thoughts were even more constant and became more intense and the idea of suicide began to float around, once a week, then every other day, then daily until it was an hourly place of hell my mind drifted into. The fear of school, the exhaustion after being in it, the crippling need to get out of there so much so it made me ill became normal. This also began the realisation that maybe just maybe this is not normal.





Of course by the time I hit my nervous breakdown I was very aware how far away from normal I was. That even though I started to perceive feeling suicidal as normal for me it was not for most others. Sadly now I know that I was definitely not alone in feeling depressed as a teenager as the rates are getting higher each year which is one of the most painful things I find to read. To know that slowly what I went through is more likely than feeling happy as a teenager, that it is becoming normal is heartbreaking.





When I was diagnosed with autism a lot of things fell into place.





What would be my version of normal immediately became very different to a neurotypical person and it took me another two years to fully accept that. To embrace that my version of normal was not inferior to anybody else's.





A normal day for me consists of a nice background level of anxiety because I never escape that, a levelled out mood, feeling exhausted after a social interaction and if I have been outside then of course the sensory overload meter will have filled. This is my own version of normal, for me, not for anybody else but just for me.





Often I talk to people who have various struggles and it is such a common thing that it comes up at some point that they are not normal is some shape or form. Now I like to tell people that normal is relative to them. If having mood swings is normal for you, that is fine it doesn't matter than others do not have that as long as you are not in severe distress that it is okay.





If you have a passion for something most people do not, as long as it is safe then that is normal for you.

If not wanting to do the same things as most other people your age is normal for you then embrace it. Try being a student who does not like to drink much, it is abnormal to so many.





If it feels normal to you then it might just be your normal and as long as it does not harm you or anybody else then that is perfectly fine.





This is really the essence of the name of this blog, learning my normal because even though I think I know it, I really do not know everything and I want to.





Thank you for reading.



