WASHINGTON—Expressing a deep desire to see an unbelievably gut-wrenching and epic crash, Americans across the country were reportedly praying Monday for a super nasty luge accident. “I’m just hoping we get a chance to watch a guy lose control of the sled, slam really hard into the wall, and then go tumbling down the ice track head over heels like a fucking rag doll,” said Dayton, OH resident Peter Murphy, echoing the sentiment of 323 million Americans who were wishing for the opportunity to witness a luge competitor wildly careen sideways down the incline, fall off the sled, and painfully roll down the course until their immobile body glides across the finish line. “God, please just let me see someone fly up high into the air over the side of the track and then plunge face-first into a snowbank. I promise I’ll try to be a good person from now on. I just want to watch one crazy-ass crash at 80 miles per hour where the guy breaks all his limbs and the stunned announcers go silent while the EMTs rush to help.” The nation added that they would also consider settling for a gruesome-as-hell bobsledding wreck.

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