The Republican majority in the House of Representatives can’t pick a new speaker. It’s hell! Double-disaster! If things don’t get resolved the whole party could fragment, possibly creating an opportunity for the long-awaited resurrection of the Whigs.

The current debacle began when Kevin McCarthy, who was supposed to succeed Speaker John Boehner, announced “we need a new face” and suddenly bowed out. Since no one in Washington really believes we need new faces, particularly when the physiognomy in question is their own, there are other possible reasons for McCarthy’s departure:

1) Donald Trump made him quit. We have only one source for this theory, which is Guess Who. (“They’re giving me a lot of credit for that because I said you really need somebody very, very tough and very smart.”)

Jeb Bush, for what it’s worth, expressed surprised — nay, near-astonishment — about McCarthy’s announcement. The son and brother of former presidents then added that Washington “seems so removed from everyday life. It’s just — they talk about things that — they talk in language with all the acronyms and stuff that doesn’t make any sense.” People, didn’t you think these candidates would be better by now? Or gone?

2) Conservatives threatened to blow the whistle on some kind of sex scandal. All we know for sure is that Representative Walter Jones of North Carolina — the guy who made his name by demanding that French fries in the House cafeteria be renamed “freedom fries” — sent a letter to what’s left of the party leadership, saying nobody should run for speaker “if there are any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress that will embarrass himself … if they become public.”