Name: Stashing.

Relationship status: Free and single!

Appearance: Two-faced.

What is it? It’s a sly internet-dating technique.

That would explain why I haven’t heard of it – I’ve never had much success with dating apps. I understand. A lot of people find Tinder, Bumble, Happn and all the others rather overwhelming.

For me, I think it mainly comes down to my appalling personality and face. Those won’t help, it’s true. But you might still find someone willing to “stash” you for a while.

I don’t like the sound of that. It is rather humiliating. Essentially, to stash someone is to start a relationship with them but fail to announce it publicly, leaving the stasher free to lead an ostensibly single life while keeping a partner in reserve.

Like the ruined clothes you keep for gardening and DIY. Yes, I suppose. You and your stasher enjoy life like any new couple – laughing, carefree, mutually obsessed, nocturnally indefatigable ...

Go on. But online – in your partner’s relationship status, in their Facebook and Twitter posts, their Instagram photos, everywhere – it’s as if you don’t exist. They’re not stringing you along exactly, just keeping their options open for a while.

This sounds like the old “introduce me to your parents” thing. Yes, it is like that. And sometimes it might be wise to wait before announcing a new relationship. Maybe you don’t want to hurt a previous partner? Maybe you’ve had many in the past, and want your friends to take this one seriously?

Or maybe it makes it easier to have sex with strangers you meet on the internet? That might be another factor. In truth, stashing is just one of many nefarious online dating practices, from catfishing (creating a fake profile) to ghosting (suddenly and completely ending contact with someone) and breadcrumbing (dropping little hints to tickle someone’s interest, without actually starting a conversation).

Gosh. Loneliness sounds quite fun by comparison. Yes. Dating apps do make it very easy to find new partners, and to stay in touch. Unfortunately, they also make it very easy to find new partners, and to stay in touch.

Do say: “Dad, this is … um … someone I’ve never met before.”

Don’t say: “I don’t think I could love you any more right now ... but I might if you put this bag over your head.”