Wife of Man Who Started Midlife Crisis Band Wishes He’d Just Had an Affair

ALLEN, Texas. — Annette Martin is allegedly tired of her husband’s foray into live music as a band-aid for his mid-life crisis, telling friends she wishes he would “just sleep with another woman already,” sources confirmed.

“I get it. I do. A guy passes 40, and he wants to feel young again,” said Mrs. Martin, moving a box of her husband’s demo tapes into the garage. “But why did he have to start this awful band and interrupt my life? Now I have to spend every Friday at the Lakeside Tavern, listening to him struggle his way through Goo Goo Dolls covers. If he was having an affair, at least I’d get some nights to myself.”

As part of his new lease on life, Will Martin’s 90’s alt-rock tribute band, Locked ‘N’ Loaded, practices at his home every Thursday night when Annette usually watches The Big Bang Theory — now with subtitles, due to the noise. Mr. Martin also reportedly installed a silk-screen press in Annette’s meditation room to print Locked ‘N’ Loaded merchandise.

“I think she’d rather listen to him have sex with another woman than listen to that band try and perfect Tonic’s ‘If You Could Only See’ for the 100th time,” a friend of the couple, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed. “He even put his hair in a man-bun and got his ear pierced. Annette has to be seen in public with him, that poor girl.”

Moreover, Mrs. Martin has taken extra steps to distract her husband from his commitment to the rock’n’roll lifestyle.

“Last week, she said she opened his laptop… and was horrified to see he was researching expensive Marshall stacks online,” said longtime friend of the couple April Hakamoto. “She told me she opened another tab and left it on the Ashley Madison site as a little encouragement. Hopefully it works — it’s only matter of time before Will tries to convince my husband, Peter, to play in his little rock band, too.”

Meanwhile, Locked ‘N’ Loaded announced plans to explore a more reggae-influenced sound… which Mrs. Martin has countered by inviting members of a local sorority to her home to use the swimming pool.