Right now, one of the least controversial opinions you can have is that this week has been controversial for prominent developer Riot Games, though oddly enough, the opinion that Riot Games is a horrible, garbage company is less controversial than ever. However, champion designer Bradford “CertainlyT” Wenban was openly delighted that these issues have come to light, as it will delay the latest 4k-upvote Yasuo hate thread by at least two days.

“When the mob first crested the hill, I thought for sure that the prototype for my Kayle rework had leaked,” explained CertainlyT from the interior of Riot’s reinforced steel bunker. “But apparently, people are just mad about us being… sexist or something? It might’ve been about PAX tickets, or sea lions. Whatever. I’m just glad I have time to work on a fourth dash without getting interrupted.”

This torch-wielding mob was roused to fury when Riot boldly shifted their stance from quietly anti-female to openly anti-male, a PR tactic known as “intentionally feeding.” Once the Riot offices opened at 2:30 PM, the enraged mob reportedly swept into the building, where they were met by systems designer Daniel “ZenonTheStoic” Klein, on horseback and clad entirely in a suit of white armor. Clearly, Riot Games was ready to make amends.

“These sieges usually last a couple of days,” CertainlyT answered when asked for comment, “We’ll probably hold a panel at a convention or something, so we can discuss things openly and civilly. And it would be free, of course—”

Here, CertainlyT was cut off by a distant roar of anger, reportedly caused when ZTS, channeling the spirit of Disco Nunu, began furiously screaming at one of the mob, a man/baby later confirmed to be made entirely out of straw. Surprisingly, this did not seem to improve matters.

“…Weeks. It’ll last a couple of weeks.” From inside the bunker, a sigh could be heard. After several seconds, CertainlyT began speaking again, clearly trying his best to remain cheerful. “Well, we could always get GoldenGlue and Svenskeren to sub in for the CEO positions. Ryze is scheduled for his annual rework anyways, and I have this idea for this ability with four dashes—”

Again, CertainlyT was interrupted, but not by cries of fury; rather, shouts of jubilation began to echo throughout the halls, with the mob laying down their torches and pitchforks, joining the employees in joyous bro-fists and ass-slappings. This time, the designer’s optimism seemed genuine as he continued.

“….Well, maybe not. Maybe cooler heads will prevail, and we’ll realize that we’re all just people, trying to play a game and have fun. Maybe we’ll all agree that regardless of gender identity, race, or sexual preference, it is our right as human beings to play champions who are overloaded as hell. And I stand by that.”

Here at Nerfwire, we agree. We just didn’t have the heart to tell him that people were only cheering because Marc Merill deleted Zoe.

New to the site? Join our community on Discord or find us on Facebook and Twitter.