Modern Day ‘Great Again’

More adventures of a real president for fake times

Shocking revelations in President Donald Trump’s hacked personal diaries could bring down his presidency. Excerpts are printed below.

July was such a tremendous month that, barely six months into my presidency, I have already accomplished my goal of making America great again — and just in time, since I have been working so hard I have not gotten to spend nearly as much time as I would like playing golf.

Near the beginning of the month, I heard an interesting story about Chris Christie. He was photographed relaxing on a New Jersey beach that was closed to the public because of a government shutdown.

When a reporter asked Chris about New Jersey residents being unable to go to the beach while he was enjoying it, he said, “Well they’re not the governor.”

I was shocked to hear Chris say this. I guess he is presidential material after all.

Chris told me he had so much fun having the beaches all to himself he was planning to have them closed to the public again soon. “I’ll just tell people I’m conducting some important ocean studies,” he said.

Meanwhile, the DISHONEST media continue to attack me about some very modern day presidential comments I made about Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinsi. I saw Psycho Joe on the Colbert show, saying he is leaving the Republican Party because of me. And was that his dumb-as-a-rock fiancée Mika with him, accusing me of being unpresidential? Hard to recognize her without her face bleeding.

I called Joe afterwards to tell him how upset as I was at him and added, “Don’t even bother coming to my big upcoming Labor Day weekend bash, which by the way will be on Sunday September 3rd at 8pm at Mar-a-Lago.”

Soon afterwards, the FAKE media attacked me over some e-mails between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russians. I initially thought the best response would be to say: “This has absolutely nothing to do with me or my campaign. Donald Trump who?”

But I did think Donald Jr. did a great job handling the release of the e-mails. The way he totally denied everything until finding out the failing New York Times was about to release all the e-mails, and then tweeting them all himself was definitely modern day transparent!

Even more transparent than Donald Jr. was Anthony Scaramucci deleting his old tweets. Scaramucci is my brand new communications director who will do an absolutely amazing — I mean, former communications director — job.

Scaramucci’s deleting his old tweets was so transparent I even told the Mexicans about it, to help explain the wall they will be paying for.

But the highlight of the month was my terrific meeting with Vladimir Putin. We discussed many issues, including Russian interference in the election.

Contrary to what the CORRUPT media have claimed, I have never denied the possibility that Russia hacked the election. It is certainly possible.

Of course, there are many things that are possible in theory but would be shocking to encounter in reality, like snow in July or a Mexican who isn’t a rapist.

So I asked Putin if he hacked the election. When he responded, “Donald, please, you know me better than that,” I was so impressed with his transparency that, to show my appreciation, I immediately shared with him some brand new top-secret intelligence we received from Israel.

So the accusation that I wasn’t tough enough with Putin is completely ridiculous. What was I supposed to do, wrestle him to the ground like he’s a CNN reporter?

Putin and I also discussed my idea of creating a joint cyber security unit. I told Putin that with this security unit in place every 400 pound guy in his bed will never even think of threatening our democracy again!

While my theory of the 400-pound-guy in his bed hacking the election is clearly the most logical possibility, we will probably never know for sure who was responsible for the hacking. It’s just one of those mysteries that will likely never be solved, like the origin of life or how millions of dead people managed to vote for Hillary Clinton.

Putin and I agreed it was time to move on and focus on the future. I said to Putin, “We need to work together constructively to defeat our common enemies.”

“Indeed,” Putin responded. “We have several common enemies that are incredibly evil and ruthless.”

“Exactly,” I said. “And even if we’re never able to fully defeat Hillary Clinton, we should at least try to destroy those enemies that aren’t quite as bad, like ISIS.”

On the domestic front, I have been working very hard to repeal and replace Obamacare. As a candidate, I thought this would be very easy. Of course, until recently, everyone thought health insurance was very simple, like anything else that costs $12 a year.

While the Senate was debating repeal-and-replace, I was very happy to hear North Carolina senator Richard Burr say to a reporter, “I’ll vote for anything.” I called Richard to thank him for his loyalty.

“So you’ll really vote for anything?” I asked.

“Absolutely, Donald,” Richard said. “Just tell me what you want and I’ll do it quicker than a Russian prostitute.”

I was optimistic we would finally pass repeal-and-replace, especially after John McCain returned from brain surgery and voted to begin to begin debate on the bill. But McCain voted against the last version of the bill, in his most cowardly action since getting captured.

I was also disappointed in Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, who voted against the bill. Even my WEAK attorney general Jeff Sessions was right for a change when he said, “Why does some peninsula in the Arctic even get to vote anyway?”

Mitch McConnell was very upset when the health care bill failed. He called me on the brink of tears.

“I just don’t know if I can do it, Donald,” he said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“I’ve been through some terrifying, horrible things in my life. Childhood polio. World War II. But never anything as bad as having to talk to Chuck Schumer.”

I’m already working on the next item on my agenda, which is tax reform. I do admit, it’s been harder than I expected. How was I supposed to know taxes are so complicated, when I have no personal experience with them?

But I’m not going to let that stop me. Even having already achieved my goal of restoring American greatness, I will be working just as hard as ever to achieve even more greatness for America.

Now, where are my golf clubs?