This past weekend, Bob Costas completely annihilated Pedro Strop and several of his dead relatives after a poor performance. This outing from Strop seemingly hurt Bob so bad he had to pull out a burn Walt Whitman would be proud of. This got me thinking, what if Bob was put in charge of a Rockies game? What if Bob had to watch an actually bad bullpen? Here are some quotes from Bob announcing a Rockies game with the poetic burns of the hall of fame announcer.

On LaTroy Hawkins:

“I can only assume that LaTroy will be forced to call his son and put him up for adoption after such a performance. How can a man who can’t be trusted to close out a 7th inning be asked to care for a human child?”

On Tommy Kahnle:

“I hope his hair is long enough to reach his eyes as he will need it to wipe the tears and the memories away from this horrific performance. Some would liken it to watching your favorite Game of Thrones character die but I would compare it to being Bruce Wayne and reliving the murder of your parents every day for your entire life. Truly heart wrenching.”

On Rafael Betancourt:

“He may want to consider retiring mid-inning and moving to the farthest corner of his home country Venezuela to remove himself from such a God awful performance. Once when I was a child I watched my dog Spot run into the woods and three weeks later we found his body, that painful memory still draws tears from my eyes, but this performance may top it as the worst thing I have ever seen happen in my life.”

On the Rockies offense having 2 on nobody out but leaving with no runs scored in the bottom of the 8th:

“Jeez, I recently watched a Dane Cook comedy special but that performance last inning may be the most offensive thing I have ever seen.”

On Boone Logan:

“Well, he’s owed six million dollars next year and he may want to use all of it to plan an elaborate ruse to fake his death and escape to another country to live out his days under a different name. I can’t expect him to ever recover from such an atrocious outing. Good lord, could you imagine being his wife? She’s probably calling her college boyfriend as we speak to see if he ever got married.”

On Drew Stubbs:

“I’m not suggesting that after his fourth strikeout of the game he ask his father why he created such a terrible baseball player, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt.”

On Brooks Brown:

“I remember the first time I heard ‘The Joker’ by Steve Miller Band I thought to myself ‘Holy crap this is the worst thing to ever happen to humanity, nothing could ever top how horrible I feel right now listening to this song.’ Well, this performance has topped that. Brooks may want to consider making music as there is no possible way it could be worse than the way he pitched tonight.”

On Rafael Ynoa:

“His last name is four letters which is quite a coincidence since whenever I think of him; I can only conjure four letter words. Look at him swing at this pitch, good gravy I would rather be forced to watch my own mother cheat on my father than watch that swing again.”

On Kyle Kendrick:

“Once, when I was 15 years old, I asked a girl to the homecoming dance. This girl, Stacy Millman, was beautiful and I had had a crush on her since I was nine years old. I worked up the courage all day to ask Stacy, berating myself whenever I considered backing out. As the last bell rang I found her in the hallways, I took a deep breath and asked her if she would like to attend the dance with me. She not only said no, she pretended she had never met me. She laughed in my face. I had never been so crushed. Every day of my life I think of the pain Stacy Millman put on me that day in October. I wish that pain on Kyle Kendrick after this performance, I wish for him to suffer like I did, that is how bad it was.”

On Scott Oberg:

“I can only assume that when Walt Weiss called Scott out of the pen he knew this was going to occur and he wanted to embarrass the poor boy. That is my hypothesis on what was truly just an audaciously bad outing.”

Finally, on Eddie Butler:

“He’s only 24 so I am not going to count him out yet, but Eddie may want to do what I did when I was 24. I killed a man and took his identity. The real Bob Costas was a great man and I used this name and his reputation to fund my confidence and become the man you see before you now. The name and identity I left behind is buried with the real Bob Costas in a graveyard in Ames, Iowa. No one has found out my secret to this day, there is nothing anyone can do now. Eddie may want to consider this option and become another man.”

Bob’s words may be strong enough to start a fire under this team and help them achieve something greater than we all expected.

It also would be pretty fun to put Bob through the torture of a Rockies bullpen.