Unsurprisingly, sometime after this, while near my home I was placed into a police van and detained.

My friend just had time to take a picture and implement a previously agreed upon contingency plan. Using a method called Shamir’s Secret Sharing, a quorum was able to assemble the password to my Twitter account and put out a call for help, or at the very least put eyes on my situation.

Again, out of the thousands of China watchers and foreign correspondents following me on Twitter, not one was willing to put their future career prospects on the line and say the Chinese source with the largest English language Twitter and Youtube presence on the Internet had been taken into custody- not without it leading to a discussion that these events came about after my disastrous interactions with their unethical colleagues. When other less prominent Chinese are detained in similar circumstances they are all over it- but if it might hurt their career prospects or embarrass colleagues? Suddenly it’s not a story. So they stayed silent- knowing it meant no outside pressure to release me.

It’s an unpleasant thing when you realize that journalists- as a profession, nearly without exception, would prefer you disappear and never be seen again rather than have a difficult conversation about their colleague’s conduct. All while they build personal brands around claiming profound knowledge and concern for the welfare and freedom of Chinese citizens.

No one spoke up, during or after. They won’t now. Ask- they will mutter excuses, claim secret information they can’t reveal, try to smear and discredit me on backchannels with vague innuendo, hints of rumors but no facts, no evidence, nothing stated publically for me to publically refute with all of the evidence they know full well I have at hand. This is what the profession has become. Investigators unwilling to investigate and writers unwilling to write lest they offend some potential future employer.

It is unwise to go into detail but there was no formal arrest that day. In these interactions, first there is a discussion, you make it clear you won’t make similar mistakes in the future. Future interactions, if they occur, become something else. I was released a few hours later. It left me pretty shaken.

I love my city and love documenting the incredible pace of change here, and the exciting life it gives me. I am proud of my Chinese heritage, I take pains to avoid known sensitive topics- for one because I am simply not qualified to speak on most of them, but I don’t run a cooking channel.

YouTube channels with attractive, non-threatening Chinese women silently preparing delicious food affirm traditional gender roles both in China and abroad and offend absolutely no one. This is smart, but this isn’t me. Conversations about tech in China have an inherent political component that is often difficult to avoid and can easily polarize viewers. I can’t just read a list of specs off the box of a Chinese made IP camera and not discuss obvious questions- not and have any self-respect as a professional.

I have no permission to do what I do, there’s no line, every time you post something you have to guess. So, you wait. You wait for the sound of boots on the steps and a knock on the door in the night. If you have never been in that position it’s hard to describe. You try not to think about it. You bury yourself in the work. So, I did.

Surface mount soldering components on a wearable. From a series on how to get your own, small, simple hardware product manufactured in Shenzhen.

My apartment lease expired so I moved into a new studio with more space for my tools and equipment. I began to master more skills- CNC, and surface mount soldering, commercial hardware fabrication, even home renovations, and teach my audience just how accessible these things are.

There was still an issue hanging over my head though. When Vice decided to break our written agreement and write about aspects of my life most Chinese keep private, I consulted with friends in a similar position. There was a consensus- given the massive size of Vice’s platform it could be disastrous and examples of exactly what could happen are innumerable.

The problem is in China “foreign-influenced” or more directly translated, influenced by “Western hostile forces” is a very, very dangerous dog whistle often with dire consequences. Chinese netizens or the state could decide you were “foreign-influenced” because of your proximity to foreigners, or because of a lifestyle that conservative Chinese deem against our traditional values.

Vice Magazine created a no-win scenario- either I had a foreign-influenced deviant lifestyle or proximity to a foreigner who must be responsible for shaping my opinions about things like fighting for the inclusion of Chinese women at local tech events. It was zugzwang, there was no “right” answer that would not potentially lead to accusations of my being influenced by “Western hostile forces”. I have not spoken to any Chinese or any veteran foreign correspondent in China who felt that the consequences for me would have been less than horrific. In part, for a very odd and China-specific reason- I was not successful.

At the time my YouTube channel was small, my presence on Western social media unremarkable, and there was no indication that I or what I was doing brought any value to China or the Chinese people. I would have simply been an embarrassment and another example of foreign ideas corrupting young, impressionable Chinese- and if there’s one thing you don’t do, it’s embarrass China and expect to go about your business.

When Vice Magazine decided to shine their giant spotlight on exactly how Chinese women like me live our lives- just for the sake of clicks, I was not successful- not yet. But I’ve worked hard since then, as is my habit. China has little in the way of “brand influencers” on Western social media (and there’s a good case to be made looking at influencer culture this isn’t a bad thing). But I could plausibly (if immodestly) claim for the sake of self-promotion that I was the first- a small feather in my cap. This got me noticed by some Chinese tech companies who were willing to offer some sponsorships to help make up what I had lost when Vice Magazine’s lawyers got my Patreon account closed. Almost a million YouTube viewers is modest by tech reviewer standards, but it still makes my channel the largest tech YouTube channel in China. Likewise with almost 100k followers on Twitter- no other Chinese who are having a dialog exclusively in English have close to this, and certainly not tech-focused.

I was successful- very successful in fact, at promoting the products and services my sponsors offered. This is because they were products and services I genuinely believed in and used myself before I was sponsored. Things I could get behind with real enthusiasm, bosses that would let me post brutally honest reviews and advocate on behalf of customers. I’ve litterally stormed into meetings here with products I felt below standard in hand, and even if I lose those sponsorships due to deplatforming at the hands of Western journalists and being unable to offer the audience I once did, I’ll always speak highly and respect the bosses and engineers who listened carefully and respected that I was speaking passionately for their customers.

This gave me something essential- some modest success in the eyes of fellow Chinese. Not much financial success, but a Chinese person that at least some foreigners approved of. An eccentric, but a validated eccentric. This was very, very important- Chinese put great stock in what foreigners think of other Chinese, and we put great stock in results. I was still in a tenuous position, but now in a much better position to take the chance. To at least put my fate in my own hands.

Under ordinary circumstances, I would have left things at “I’m a bit eccentric”, for my parent’s peace of mind if nothing else, but the implied threat held over my head since Vice came to my country and broke our agreement is leaking more than that if I push too hard. This could easily be done in a way to ensure Chinese netizens objected to it. If the larger Chinese social media sphere decides your conduct and values are against Chinese tradition or an embarrassment to China- this is a terrifying thing with very real consequences. It frankly should have been obvious (and was to some). There’s no shortage of pictures of me with special friends, but Westerners do not do implicit truths well and seem to require a degree of bluntness.

Dinner with Xiaodai, she is very, very handsome but… I’m too young to settle down😉

I felt I had just enough going for me I could show a little more if my life- on my terms, and well- I am as flamboyant as my idol Dolly Parton, my Chinese sisters are so beautiful and handsome, and our lives are not often seen in the West. So, I risked a great deal to share my birthday party at one of the few establishments we have, open only to women.

Not a big deal in the West, but this is a part of China rarely seen on YouTube- for good reason.

I am traditional enough that being “proud” is not really something I need in my life. I’ve lived quietly, happily for many years in the same sorts of structure millions of other Chinese in my position do. Structures that satisfy our families and do not cause friction. It is our way- our culture is different.

Posted on Twitter by Lorenzo Franceschi-Bicchierai, one of the Vice magazine staffers who participated in the campaign to deplatform and defund me in retribution for resisting their breach of our written agreement not to discuss my relationships or sexual orientation.

When Vice Magazine and Sarah Jeong claimed a written agreement with a Mainland Chinese woman barring discussion of her sexual orientation and relationships was not “legally binding” so therefore could be ignored, none of the organizations that normally advocate for Western women under these circumstances stepped up for the obviously horrific precedent this represented for men and women living in countries were these issues are far from settled and legal protections non-existent. They saw, they said nothing- since I did not look like them.

As with being a Woman in Tech- if you don’t look like them, or like they expect- you become “problematic”. You don’t count, and no help or advocacy will ever come from those with the power to make a difference. Even if you have used your platform to advocate for them countless times. Even if you are the living embodiment of the values they espouse. There is no reciprocation- your staunch advocacy is treated like natives giving flower necklaces to missionaries, they interpret it as a sign of obeisance. When their fellow missionaries burn your village down you will be treated to quiet asides about how problematic and unhelpful your screams are because their friends are such nice people and good “allies”.

No value or principle comes before what is most important to them- knowing your place in their imagined social hierarchy. If you don’t know your place, don’t fit their narrative, they will first ignore you, exclude you and deny your existence- if your light burns too brightly, they will try to extinguish it and erase you.

The Thai “Dee” from “lady” or Chinese “P” and variations are used throughout Asia but do not map perfectly to the Femme partner in Western Butch/Femme relationships (no matter how desperately many try to make Western models the ideal, a universal standard or declare more heteronormative models based on Confucian values to be inferior).

I’m often scolded online for being “angry”. Part of this is the global saturation of idol culture- leading to the bizarre idea that every moderately attractive East Asian woman behaves like a professional entertainer- smiling constantly, occasionally pouting, making cute little faces and hearts with our fingers. It’s not deliberate bias, but people honestly think this is real. Many Westerners are surprised that I’m so aggressive and think it’s just me because it doesn’t match what they to expect- they don’t realize it’s perfectly normal for every Cantonese businesswoman I know. My grandma was a butcher and when toughs came to our little stall demanding protection money she chased them off with a cleaver- then came back and showed me how to swing it properly so I’d know when the stall was mine (slices not chops or it gets stuck in bone and you lose your weapon). I don’t cry- I fight, I don’t complain- I document, I don’t wrap myself in victimhood and demand special privileges for it- I point out that I was targeted and insist I will work and study to succeed in spite of it- but I have every right to be angry. Anger drove me to help myself when no one else would. Anger- focused, controlled, directed appropriately and used productively can be as useful a tool as passion. I had passion, they gave me anger- now I use both like hammer and anvil. Without apology. If you teach young women that appropriate, focused, rational anger is “unladylike” you leave them with nothing but sadness- and tears don’t get shit done.