HOLA! Big week, isn’t it?

Don’t fret. I am not going to reveal who you are. I may or may not know who you are, but I do definitely know you’re in big trouble if you get found out. Like how your promotion has already warned you that you will not be booked for the rest of the year if they so much as spot you in the crowd at a WWE show. I don’t want to happen, I (probably) like watching you have lucha libre matches and I want nothing but success for you, that’s why I’m trying to help. You signing with WWE might cause grave damage to the promotion you leave behind, but I’ve read the newsletters and it seems we’re all hopelessly doomed as it is. Might as well get out while the money’s still good.

(I do wonder how they’re going to spot you as a fan at the show. I bet they spent some good money on tickets for the show. It’s nice to see someone in Mexico doing that. Wish they could get people to do that for their own companies, so this tryout wouldn’t be happening.)

Anyway, I’m going to keep this short, because you’ve surely got a lot to remember about and now’s not the time to forget to bring the generic gear. Let me give you three important points.

1) Speak English! If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably doing okay with this. If you’re acting like myself, and using Google Translate far too often, you’re in a world of trouble and you need a plan quick.

Yes, I know Sin Cara doesn’t speak English, and he would probably be doing fine if he wasn’t such a head case (and I know you’re thrilled about him being exposed as one.) You don’t get the same pass; they already have one guy who doesn’t do promos, they will not need another. You’ve got to give WWE something they don’t already have in Mistico if you want be working with him.

If you’ve been secretly hiding away your English proficiency all along to keep your spot, now’s the time to break it out. If the only English you’ve learned is from your favorite rap albums, go buy an “Ingles sin Barreras” set and make sure people see that you’re taking the initiative to learn.

2) Ask for advice. WWE likes to employ people who know what they’re doing. WWE loves to employ people who know what they’re doing but will be sure to ask them if what they’re doing is what they want to be done. I know that sentence makes it feel like you’ve failed to read English, but it’s real and accurate.

WWE will tell you how great you are at everything before you sign with them. They will start telling you everything you do is wrong once the ink dries. They will keep telling you that until you start doing things exactly how they want to be done. Once you finally feel you have a grasp on the ‘right way of doing things’, they will resume telling you how wrong you are. This is something you must learn to handle.

There is a time where they actually want you to push back. That is absolutely not the tryout. After you’re out of the ring, the most benefit you can do for your chances is to ask everyone what you’ve done wrong, and what you can do to improve. Start with anyone standing outside the ring who looks over 30 and doesn’t look like they’re going in the ring. Make sure they believe you’re taking their advice to heart, and honestly appreciate what they have to say. Even if it’s bad advice. ESPECIALLY if it’s bad advice.

3) Shake everyone’s hands. I know this is not idea people are as eager to do in Mexico after the pig flu, but I’m fairly certain this is the most important point on this list.

I can’t repeat this enough. Shake everyone’s hands. Shake hands from the moment you step in the building to the moment you slip out a side exit to avoid being seen by fans. Shake the important people’s hands. Shake the people’s hands who may not seem important, because some of those people are actually super important. Shake the unimportant people’s hands just to be safe. Shake each other’s hand if you’re trying out. Shake your own hand. And, for god’s sake, if you see a five time world champion, shake his hand. If I spend the next week decoding angry tweets about luchadors who failed to shake hands, I’m going to shake my fist at the lot of you.

This is where it might be helpful to work on the buddy system, so you can compare lists and make sure you got the same people. It’s bizarre, but if you don’t shake their hands, the WWE people feel like you’re slapping them in the face with that hands. If you want to work in their company, you have to obey their bizarre rules.

That’s it! Demonstrate the ability to speak English, use that English to ask to ask for advice, and shake the advice givers (and everyone else’s!) hands. Those are really the important things. Wrestling is largely unimportant, because you do lucha libre and they’ll want to break you of that anyway, and you know well enough to look good without failing their drug tests; I can tell you’ve been preparing for that.

Good luck! I look forward to buying your mask at 5 times it costs in Mexico.

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