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The Dr. Phil tapes are coming, Maddox pays his debt, Mental Jess plays #SlimeTime, men are barely funnier than women, one more year until I’m dead, Vito has a card game, John who breaks bad news breaks bad news, Dame Pesos and Erik Wong have an argument, the civil war in Chile is a coincidence, Asterios comes clean on his $600 spite invoice, trans-bike riders vs. gorillas, Instagram filters, and fixing your brain chemistry; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I am stunned. I can’t believe it. I see it in front of me, but I refuse to believe it. It’s not possible. There is a monster at the end of this sentence. I don’t even want to click Play to verify it, but I have to. There is money riding on it. An event over five years in the making, a ten-year splinter in my brain that I’ve had to answer for at least a thousand times, a quest full of twists and turns and ups and downs; near-misses and catastrophic failures of between man and machine, insanity and justice, dragons and kobolds and fairies and fat guys–and yet here we are.

The Holy Grail has been recovered. My Dr. Phil tapes have been found.

For those of you who are behind on the lore, the full story behind the my fabled Dr. Phil episodes (the four that I was on in late 2007 and early 2008) and the reason they were lost forever, locked in crate and sealed in a CBS archival vault and then wiped from the face of the Earth, can be found here and here.

Thought to be lost forever, it was only because of the tenacity and resourcefulness of you the listener that these episodes have been found. What a terrific audience. This will be the best $1,000 I have ever spent, and I will do so the second I am done writing this post, but first…

Forty is the new thirty!

I remember people saying that when I was a kid, and I was steamed by it. Steam would shoot out of my ears and I would step back fifty paces and try to squash their heads with my fingers. It never worked.

This was a quaint time in history of the beginnings of the epoc of the Age of Insanity. One horrible thing is another less horrible thing. Well we really took that and ran with it.

Men can get pregnant is the new women can get pregnant!

A mob is the new law!

Celebrity is the new expertly!

Pedophiles are the new Nazis!

Likes are the new love.

It still gets me steamed, but you’d have to take too many steps back now to try and squish it. Obviously, you’d have to get the entire US between your fingers, but if you did that you’d have to make sure to get Canada too, where blackface is the new people are homeless. Maybe you could back into Mexico, where murder and torture and rape are the new avocados. That’s no good. Maybe you could sail a ship to China, where basketball are the new human rights or Africa where Africa is the new China. Maybe Europe? Where the Earth is the new church. Or south to Chile, where George Soros is the new Civil War.

You could go to the South Pole, and climb it for hundred miles, passed the satellites carrying all this shit around and the space stations doing their diversity space walks and handing out epic pwnage to the President of Dumbfuckistan. Gotta get them in the squisher too.

Being a woman is the new doing something.

You get all the way to the moon, and if you’re still steamed, you can probably fit everyone who’s delusional inside one big squish. Well almost everyone.

John Breaks Bad News



Vito’s Enemy Weapon card game.



“Honest Mistake (feat. Dick, Dame Pesos and Ast*ri*s)” by LEGEND



Dick Pics





A thumbnail for your brain chemistry by Nope.wmv.



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