Tom Cruise is a super hero from outer space with unlimited cosmic power. The only downside is that he serves a dark master bent on devouring the world and extinguishing all life… is Tom Cruise the Silver Surfer?

My hatred of Tom Cruise courses black through my veins like crude oil. It poisons my soul and robs it of all joy. I will never take him seriously as an actor or a human being because he bases his entire life philosophy on the idea that a galactic despot brainwashed, then h-bombed billions of aliens inside of volcanoes trillions of year ago and now they are stuck in our bodies and that’s why we get depressed some times.

I loved the “Scientology Indoctrination video” that’s been showing up online this week (and Jerry O’Connell’s response). I love it for the fact that it shows beyond a shadow of a doubt what a smarmy, shallow, “glib,” mind-fucked little shit Tom Cruise actually is. I especially LOVE that he claims to have helped people after 9/11, despite really doing the opposite. And I LOVE LOVE that he says being a Scientologist somehow grants you the wherewithal and physical strength to be “the only one that can help” when you see a car accident:

Tom Cruise is driving down the freeway in a black BMW. His Sciento-sense starts to tingle as a sees a 4 car pile up just ahead. He skids to a halt and leaps through the roof of his sedan, flying high in the air and landing in the middle of the twisted wreckage rippling the asphalt beneath him. He is calm. “Stand back, emergency workers,” he announces, “Put down your jaws-of-life and crowbars. I am a Scientologist.” A collective gasp is audible as the gathered crowd of firemen, paramedics and onlookers collectively take 3 steps back. “Give him room,” a fireman says, “let him do his work.” Tom Cruise makes his way through the wreckage to the first vehicle. The smoke is thick and parching, but he can sense a woman, mid-thirties, is still alive. He claps his hands together once then parts them as if brushing back curtains. The smoke lifts. He is using his mind to keep the woman’s vitals stable. Her blood pressure and heart rate are approaching normal. She is experiencing his mixture of science and love. His Scientology. He closes his eyes and takes two handfuls of the twisted metal encasing the woman. Anne is her name. She isn’t afraid. She is in the most capable hands in the world. The hands of a Scientologist. The hands of Tom Cruise. The car wrenches and shrieks as he cleaves the metal husk in twain. As if cracking an egg he deposits Anne safely on the ground, holding two halves of an automobile above his head. Tom Cruise heaves the vehicle skyward and it disappears; a speck over the horizon. “How can I than…” Anne begins as a well manicured finger is pressed to her lips. “Your thanks isn’t necessary. I’m a Scientologist. This is what we do.” -fin

Give that man a fucking medal.

I get the impression that most people think Scientology is just a crazy club for rich Hollywood weirdos. I’m hoping all that changes now that their insanity is receiving greater exposure. Secret documents have been popping up all over the place, and a hacker group is hell bent on laying waste to their entire organization. They might actually be succeeding… like today.

Anyway, until the day that we are all clear, there are no more SP‘s, and everyone is OT7 just remember to salute your portrait of LRH, use your tech, and KSW, KSW, KSW!