After I Eradicate Malaria, I Would Like To Try A Threesome

Malaria is a devastating illness that causes immense suffering to millions of people around the world. That’s why malaria eradication is one of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation’s foremost humanitarian goals and my number-one personal priority at the moment. For now, I am entirely focused on wiping out this horrific disease—but after malaria is defeated, I would like to try a threesome.

Bringing a third partner into the sexual relationship I have with my wonderful wife Melinda is a subject I’m keenly interested in, and it’s the main objective I plan on working towards once malaria is no more.

Every year, 219 million people contract malaria, and 435,000 die from the illness. Meanwhile, my sex life—while quite healthy—could use an exotic experience to spice it up. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation uses grants to fund malaria prevention and treatment worldwide—a mission which I hope will help rid the world of malaria permanently, thus freeing me up to finally post an ad on Craigslist seeking a “Friend With Benefits To Play With Married Older Couple.”

Fortunately, there is reason to be optimistic that I will enjoy a threesome soon. Malaria cases are down 25% globally, and fatalities have dropped by 42%, a milestone achievement that thrills me even more than the idea of a third person, perhaps dressed as a sexy police officer, gently whipping my wife and I with a riding crop and ordering us to perform oral sex on them. In addition to paying for proven preventative measures like mosquito nets, we are also funding promising research in transmission-blocking vaccines that could stop the spread of malaria entirely and make the dream of a malaria-free world and my mind-blowing threesome a reality as soon as 2040.

Although there is no guarantee my wife and I will enjoy the threesome, we believe it is worthwhile to try it and see if it’s for us. That is why I’m calling on political leaders to support anti-malaria efforts and help us achieve zero infections worldwide. Then, on that momentous day, I will celebrate the end of malaria by striking a threesome off my sexual bucket list.