CLEVELAND—Claiming it was the most humane way to deal with their suffering fans, the Cleveland Browns announced Tuesday that they had euthanized the entirety of the Dawg Pound following a rabies outbreak. “They were a part of our Browns family, and we’re heartbroken over cutting their lives short, but putting them down was the only option,” said team owner Jimmy Haslam, who revealed the Browns’ concern was piqued after several members of the Dawg Pound began chewing on plastic seats and salivating uncontrollably, but that by the time the outbreak was discovered it was too late for any cure to be administered. “We have to put the safety of our fans first. The Dawg Pound may have still seemed fun and approachable, but many were getting aggressive, and it was only a matter of time before they bit someone. It may seem cruel, but their quality of life was never going to be the same—they were battling constant seizures, and the hydrophobia resulting from the rabies was making it impossible for them to drink beer.” Haslam, who emphasized the sadness of the mercy killing, assured fans that they could take comfort in knowing the Dawg Pound would never have to suffer through another Browns’ game again.

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