Grudges are exhausting. The worst type of grudge is one that lasts for years -- where you stay mad at someone for so long, it almost becomes a contest to see who will the first to break the silence. My family could start a master's program on longstanding silence. My grandfather didn't talk to my father for 7 years because of something he "heard" my dad said at a reunion. My mom hasn't talked to her mother in almost a decade. And now, as a parent, I am trying not to repeat history.

Don't take it personally.

Author don Miguel Ruiz speaks of not taking it personally in his book of Toltec wisdom called "The Four Agreements." I interviewed him when the book went into paperback. He first gained popularity after Ellen DeGeneres spoke about it on Oprah's show. Now, "The Four Agreements" has been a New York Times bestseller for more than eight years.

"Someone else's actions have nothing to do with you," Ruiz explains. "We have no idea what someone is going through. They may be suffering a loss, or getting a divorce. If we think that someone's silence or rage is about us, then we are being run by our ego and not our spirit."

Born into a Mexican family of traditional healers, Ruiz originally abandoned his family's Toltec beliefs to become a surgeon. "I would treat patients, and they kept coming back with the same illnesses," Ruiz says. Then a near-death experience forever changed his perspective. "I saw that this is all a dream. Our realities are based on our beliefs. I knew I couldn't go back to the old way of thinking and being."

While his "don't take it personally" approach may sound simple, it can be hard to stick to in today's modern world.

"Other people's opinions of us only have merit if we believe them," he says. "If you spread love and happiness, there is no reason for someone to be hateful or angry with you," he says."If they choose to be negative, it is their choice. It is not because you are doing anything wrong."

Therefore, we should not take it personally.

"What others say is a projection of their reality, not yours," he says.

Other agreements to live by, per Ruiz;

Be impeccable with your word. This means speaking with integrity at all times. No lies. No gossip. In fact, Ruiz feels gossip can spread like a cancer. "Any untruth that is spoken can do harm," he says. "The energy behind gossip is purely negative. It is like poison."

Never assume. "Communicate with others before you let your mind race with thoughts that are assumptions. This one agreement can transform your life," he says.

Always do your best. Whether you are helping your child with your homework or speaking at a conference, Ruiz feels you should give every task your full attention. This means NO multitasking. "Sometimes you might be sick, or exhausted, so your 'best' will change from moment to moment," he says. "Don't judge yourself during these times. Judgment and regret prevent you from doing your best."

These days, Ruiz is co-writing with his son don Jose Ruiz. Their joint effort, "The Fifth Agreement," was released last December.

"We can break away from the misery in our minds by changing our thoughts," says Ruiz. He calls those who take on these agreements "Spiritual Warriors", because it is a war within our minds to turn off our inner judge and release the fear and assumptions that consume our everyday lives. "Many days, this will not be easy. Just remember that inner peace and happiness is waiting for you."

WANT TO KNOW MORE? Come to wgntv.com/liveblog Tuesday at 8 a.m. and livechat with Jen Weigel! She'll be talking about grudges.

jweigel@tribune.com

Catch Jenniffer Weigel's TribU segments Tuesdays on WGN TV Morning News, and weekdays throughout the day on CLTV.