Before we can begin,

I must warn you, I fear,

Of the prequel to “The Thing”

that came out earlier this year.

Listen to the latest episode of our weekly movies podcast, Adventures in Movies!

You could always go see it,

but I must ask you: Why?

It’s the same f-----g movie

only with s----y CGI.

As our story opens,

Kurt Russell’s playing some chess

And gulping-down scotch

with his beard all a-mess.

Apparently he’s in charge

of some Antarctic research base,

But all his “research” consists of

is sticking a bottle in his face.

Then this crazy Norwegian

comes barging in with a gun!

He’s chasing after a dog

that has gone on the run.

The dog is quickly rescued

by the US research team

And the Norwegian blows himself up

(he’s a dumbass, it would seem).

So what the Hell’s going on?

Kurt Russell must find the answers!

This movie’s okay so far,

but I think I’d rather watch “Trancers”.

So Russell visits the Norwegian base

wearing some stupid cowboy hat,

But all the Norwegians are dead

(see the prequel if you give a damn about that).

Russell does find a clue, though,

while rifling through the joint:

A humongous block of ice

that had something in it at one point.

Then he finds the corpse of some monster

the Norwegians had tried to cremate

And brings it back to the base

for Wilford Brimley to investigate.

Later, the dog-thing explodes

into tentacles and goo

And Russell finds the alien’s spaceship

(and it’s silly-looking, too).

Wilford Brimley comes to the conclusion

that one of them is now The Thing

And this sudden revelation

makes him go bat-s--t insane!

He destroys their helicopter

and all means of communication,

So they lock him up in a shed

then discuss the thing’s procreation.

Some flimsy evidence

makes everyone suspect Kurt Russell,

But he takes the upper hand

with a good ole dynamite-hustle!

After some dude gets his arms bit off

by another dude’s chest,

Kurt Russell then swiftly concocts

an ingenious test

To determine which one of them

is not who they claim.

Is it the black guy from “They Live”?

(Keith David is his name.)

He ties every one of them up

from their hands to their feet

Then takes samples of their blood

and puts them to heat.

This roots out which one of the crew

is the thing in disguise

And Russell sets it on fire

to rescue the good guys.

But there’s still one more person

they haven’t accounted for:

Wilford Brimley’s still out in that shed,

behind a locked door!

When they get to his shed,

they find a cave down below.

He’d been building an escape ship

in the cold ice and snow!

Then the thing blows the generators.

Now with the temperature dropping,

They decide their top priority

has got to be in stopping

The thing before it escapes

and infects the whole planet.

So they burn their camp to the ground,

committing suicide, god dammit.

One by one, the survivors are hunted

by the evil Wilford Brimley

Who ambushes them from the shadows,

disposing of them, grimly.

Soon, only Kurt Russell is left

to face the gigantic thing.

He shouts, “F--k you, too!”

then dynamites it right in the wang.

Hold on! There’s still one twist left!

Keith David isn’t dead!

Could he be a guise for the thing?

Is he alright in the head?

If you want to know what happens next

you could play the PS2 game,

But I wouldn’t recommend it:

That thing was awfully lame.