WASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against rival foreign powers, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump announced Thursday that if Russia continues to provoke the United States, they will not hesitate to egg targets in Moscow. “We like those guys, but make no mistake—if they push us too far, we’re gonna unload on them with everything we’ve got,” said Eric, who filled a duffel bag with five cartons of eggs, a pack of toilet paper, and several cans of Silly String, while Donald Jr. mapped out exactly which stretch of the Kremlin’s gardens would be best to fill with hundreds of plastic forks. “We’re not about to stand by and let Russia get away with saying a bunch of bad stuff about the greatest America on earth. We’ll see who’s still talking a big game about Syria when there’s shoe polish all over their car windows and a giant penis drawn in shaving cream on their driveway. Believe me, that stuff takes forever to clean up.” At press time, White House sources confirmed the brothers were soaked with their own urine after attempting to simultaneously piss into the same water balloon.

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