A GENTLE, democracy-loving elderly man with no links to dictatorship or oppression is to be the next president of Zimbabwe.

Former vice-president Emmerson Mnangagwa, beloved by his people, has promised to bring a benevolent and peace-loving military-backed dictatorship to the stricken African country.

African politics expert Dr Helen Archer said: “Aged just 75, Mr Mnangagwa will bring a much-needed injection of youthfulness to the government of Zimbabwe.

“I understand that Mr Mnangagwa’s hobbies are flower arranging, bottling chutney, being kind to poor people and encouraging those of opposing views to his own to speak up and not be shy or afraid.

“Having played a key role in Robert Mugabe’s regime for 37 years, and especially as a former minister of state security, he is uniquely positioned to see how terrible things have been and uniquely motivated to make a change.

“He represents the people’s hope for a democratic future and after an interim period of two decades, has promised to step down so that free and fair elections can take place.

“Mnangagwa represents real change. He is certainly the sort of leader in whose hands you could place your testicles and trust that he would not attach wires to them.”