Riveting Super Bowl, huh? I’m writing this before the ending, so I’ll just assume the Patriots won because we don’t need to think about this that much. [Editor’s note: They indeed won.] Either way, football is over and done with. It’s time to think baseball thoughts. Sadly, this offseason hasn’t exactly been the most exciting. It’s somewhere in between the Yankees trading for international spending pool bonus money and having meatloaf for dinner. Since we have no actual Yankees offseason moves to discuss, let’s talk about the Nationals banning backpacks from their stadium.

I just want to get my opinion of this out of the way early. It’s stupid. It’s incredibly stupid. The Yankees did this back in the day for security reasons. There was a bowling alley across the street from Yankee Stadium II that doubled as a bag storage place. I’ll never forget asking the guy who handled it how many bags they got a night. His response? “Bro, we make more money doing this than we do from bowling.” At least this dumb policy benefited someone.

I could go into a long diatribe about how bad an idea this is, how it’s screwing fans over, and all the other implications of baseball making going to the game more annoying than it has to be. But I’m tired. I’m just tired of writing about how ownership and MLB sucks.

Nevertheless, it’s always good to be prepared before going to a ballgame. So that tweet had me wondering what the prohibited items list at Yankee Stadium looked like today. Again, since we have nothing else to talk about, let’s look at and discuss the list.

Any bag larger than 16 inches by 16 inches by 8 inches

Reasonable. That’s about a standard size for bookbags or messenger bags. Easy to fit a hero inside, but not overhead carry-on luggage. For the record, the Yankees not being sticklers on bringing food into the stadium is good. Give credit where credit is due.

Hard-sided bags or containers of any size

Again, also reasonable. No one needs luggage at a game. Fun fact, I decided to Google hard-sided bags and this came up.

I’m sad that it’s out of stock, especially with that nice discount.

Glass, cans, aluminum bottles or thermoses

No arguments here. Fans are dumb and throw things. Although I don’t know who would throw away a thermos.

Laser pens

Doesn’t say anything about laser swords though. Sith lords are in luck.

Selfie sticks

Really? I mean, I’m not the biggest selfie stick fan, but this kind of screws over tourists. I guess if they cannot allow sticks and bats in, this makes sense.

Mono/tripods or other professional camera equipment

Again, nothing surprising here.

Video cameras or other equipment designed for the sole purpose of video and/or audio recording

The best part about this one is that everything after the word “equipment” was written because some smarmy New York wise-ass told someone “yeah, well my phone can record games!”

Drones

Probably why Trevor Bauer will refuse a trade to the Yankees.

/pats self on the back

Laptop computers

This one is dumb. Again, a lot of fans are coming from work and plenty have personal laptops. This screws many of them over.

Firearms, knives or weapons of any kind

So much for lightsabers. Sorry, Darth.

Alcohol

Plenty of bars across the street to get booze before heading inside at least.

Illegal drugs or substances

Drugs are bad.

Brooms, poles, staffs or sticks

Sweeping a team is much less fun in person now.

Baseball bats of any size

So who wants to test this?

Skateboards, hoverboards or other personal recreational vehicles, with the exception of ADA-required devices

This is the saddest one of all, mainly because it’s 2019 and we still don’t have actual hoverboards yet.

Television sets, excluding television substitutes such as tablets

I’m sure this made sense back in the day, but portable TVs are not a thing anymore for reasons like the very invention mentioned in this rule. Unless someone actually did try and bring a 32” flat TV into the stadium, which would be pretty funny.

Animals, with the exception of service animals to aid Guests with disabilities

Just a reminder that Yankee Stadium still does not do a Bark at the Park. They also turned down my suggestion, Aardvarks at the Ballparks. One day.

Air horns or other distracting noisemakers

Wait, is Michael Kay still the play-by-play guy? (I’m kidding.)

Any devices that may interfere with and/or distract any sports or event participant, other Guest, audio or audio/visual telecast or recording of the game or event, or any technology-related service provided in the Stadium

Technically, a lot of things can interfere with this. You could stack a ton of cups together and screw with the camera. Try not to do this though.

Helmets (e.g., bicycle helmets, motorcycle helmets or baseball helmets)

This is not very encouraging for people who hope that Yankee Stadium will one day be more bicycle friendly. One would figure that added head protection would be nice at a place where balls are coming at your head at 100+ MPH

Masks or costumes

Except on Star Wars day, I assume. I don’t honestly see why people can’t wear costumes to the game if they want too. If the costume isn’t offensive, why not let people be silly?

Projectiles (e.g., flying discs or beach balls)

So much for a Yankee Frisbee giveaway day. It’d probably only be for 14 and younger anyway. Jerks.

Aerosol cans (e.g., mace, pepper spray, hairspray or sunscreen)

Not allowing people to bring in mace and/or pepper spray is a double-edged sword. Also, only use sun lotion I guess.

Confetti or glitter

I don’t get this one as well. Outside of annoying a few fans, who exactly does this harm? Someone should challenge this as well.

Fireworks

Can Yankee Stadium somehow ban fireworks in New York City during the months of August through October, when New Yorkers just start setting them off for no reason at 11 PM?Why yes, I am old.

Visible obscene, indecent or inappropriate clothing

I, too, think that Yankee Stadium should not allow Red Sox or Patriots gear in their hallowed halls.

Let me know what you think, Yankee fans.