Much like strength-training and decaffeinated coffee, treadmills are a necessary evil—particularly in these dark days when the “Feels Like” index never rises above “polar plunge.” But while we’d love to convince you that running on treadmills can be interesting and fun if you only unlock the right combination of speeds and inclines, let’s just say it together: Treadmill workouts are terrible because treadmills are terrible.

Knowing this and admitting it aloud is an important step toward begrudgingly accepting the 'mill into your life—at which point you’re free to seek out a few of our least-terrible treadmill workouts here, here, and here. In an effort to help you avoid a nightmarish indoor run from which your psyche may never return, however, let me also warn you of the five all-time worst treadmill workouts, as uncovered by extensive personal research over the past couple weeks. Avoid these horrific runs, and you’ll soon be going nowhere fast in a slightly improved state of mind.

1. Crossfire cross-train. This full-body workout consists of watching a contentious, hot-button CNN debate and running 30 rage-fueled seconds per mile under 5K pace while screaming and blindly pummeling the air in front of you. This is a bipartisan routine, and oddly enough it also works well with HGTV.

2. Racing the person next to you. Sure, competition can be an effective motivator, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll get carried away and eventually lock eyes with your unconsenting opponent in the mirror while slowly dragging a finger across your throat.

3. Beer Mile repeats. Just because you can reach a beer at all times while on a treadmill doesn’t mean you should drink a beer at all times while on a treadmill. Take my word for it.

4. 5-mile easy run. What exists as a delightful jaunt on stationary ground suddenly becomes a never-ending journey to the bowels of hell on a moving surface. No one knows why time passes differently on gym equipment, but the prevailing theory is that treadmills occupy an interdimensional portal in the space-time continuum where matter ages at one-tenth the normal rate. There’s a lot of complicated science involved, and lucky for you, you have (what feels like) 90 hours of running to think about it.

5. Rodeo run. Stand to the side of the treadmill, crank the pace up to full blast, and try to jump on without being sucked under the belt and neatly sanded out of existence. If you can tame your motor-belted steed without using an emergency shut-off clip, you are officially the Master of the ‘Mill and deserve an honorary medal at the upcoming Sochi Winter Olympics. In fact, unlike me, you probably deserve one of those just for running on the treadmill and not complaining.

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