On today's back pages Andy Carroll is still being marched around the death star in a pair of binders roaring and raging and tossing his mane while imperial guards peer at their clipboards and say things like "Where are you taking that … thing?" Hraaaaaaunrrrggggggght!!! According to the Daily Mail, Carroll is "paving the way" for a return to Newcastle, where he once knew happiness. Wraaaarrrghgtggtgt!!! In the Sun, Carroll can go wherever he wants as long as Brendan Rodgers gets £20m to spend on a replacement. An initial bid of £12m was "laughed out of Anfield". In the Mirror, West Ham and Fulham are still hovering around in the background looking eager and friendly. Now. Will somebody get this great walking carpet out of my way?

Also in the Mirror, West Ham are planning a swoop for semi-retired Bulgarian Dimitar Berbatov, described here as "the stylish striker". Berbatov is now 31 and recently announced on Facebook that he wants to leave Manchester United. Arsenal are after Schalke's midfielder Lewis Holtby, described as "the German Theo Walcott". Holtby has recently been loaned out to Bochum and Mainz and failed to make Germany's Euro 2012 squad. He wouldn't cost much, though. And his dad is English.

Back in the Sun, Chelsea are "lining up a £60m mega deal" for Edinson Cavani and the Brazilian sprite Oscar. The mega deal would include £35m for Napoli dreamboat Cavani and £25m for 20-year-old Oscar, who plays for Internacional and is currently circling the M25 with his legs crossed in the Brazilian Olympic team bus wondering if he should point out they've just gone past Wickes again.

Also in the Sun Robin van Persie has been left out of Arsenal's "latest online catalogue … which does not even feature him."

"Now the £30m-rated Dutch striker is demanding fresh talks with boss Arsène Wenger," reports the Sun straight after the bit about the "online catalogue", as though drawing a direct correlation between the two and sketching out a scenario whereby Van Persie is at home searching excitedly through the latest "online catalogue", clicking and scrolling and with an increasing sense of disbelief, before turning to his entourage ranged in a respectful semi-circle behind his aluminium sliding computer desk, his face wet with tears, and saying "… they've … left me out of the latest online catalogue. I want – no, I demand – fresh talks with boss Arsène Wenger."

Man City, Man Utd, Juventus and Real Madrid are all keen, although the Mill has yet to see any real action here beyond Van Persie writing the slightly embarrassing statement on his website and then sitting back, eyes closed, waiting for the offers to pour in. Then opening them a crack after a couple of minutes and having a peer around thinking "hmmm … not quite pouring in yet."

Emmanuel Adebayor is "still in limbo". Manchester City want £6m. Spurs are stalling. Steven Pienaar could be going back to Everton properly if David Moyes can find £2.5m in one of his old jacket pockets. And the Feyenoord anchorman Ron Floor has told his club he wants to join Aston Villa. The sporting director Martin van Geel said: "Ron visited Birmingham on Sunday."

Sheffield Wednesday have "thrown Joey Barton a lifeline" and are now peering down tugging on the end of their lifeline scratching their head and cautiously shouting "Joey? Joey?" while Barton gradually emerges from the shadows behind them with his angry face on and prepares to administer a really vicious dead leg with his horrible bony knuckles.

In the Daily Mail, Tottenham are after the Malaga striker José Salomón Rondón, who has scored a few goals in the last couple of seasons but still sounds a bit Redknapp-ish. The ageing Mexican wonder-makeweight Giovani dos Santos could be going the other way. São Paolo want £34m from Manchester United for Lucas Moura, £6m of which would go straight to the player. Moura is 19 and has never played outside Brazil. United are also after Michu of Rayo Vallecano, currently subject of a £1.7m bid from Swansea.

Michu, whose real name is Miguel Pérez Cuesta, scored 15 goals last season and would no doubt feature at this point in approving montage form in a Moneyball style Hollywood movie about Manchester United's transfer dealings in the summer of 2012 starring a bunch of slightly odd-looking bearded multi-millionaires desperately trying to protect their cash-rich investment while also pretending to be interested in winning trophies.

Louis Saha is being "offered a home" by both Marseille and Lille. Wolves are keen on the Real Sociedad centre-half Vadim Demidov, who is Norwegian. And the Blackburn manager Steve Kean Out is trying to sign Simon Cox from West Brom for £2.5m for all the good it will do him.