At a recent meeting, Sachin shared the following experience.

“Bye Shivansh,” he waved, as he dropped Shivansh off to school. Promptly the teacher looked at Shivansh and said, “Oh Shivansh, your dad’s waving good bye.” And immediately she waved, “Bye dad.” (with exaggerated actions)

Sachin looked up and wondered! Not even a second was given to the child to respond.

Why are we so overbearing with kids with ASD? Why are we so quick to jump in with ‘prompts’?

I know it’s done with good intention. But what’s the message the child gets?

‘It’s alright to not respond. She does it for me anyway.’

OR

‘It doesn’t matter whether I respond or not.’

‘Give space and time,’ is the mantra of our times. Yet when it comes to children or adults with autism, we do the exact opposite.

Today, I’m here to tell you it’s okay to give time. It’s the biggest gift you can give your loved ones.

Give Them Time to Respond

When you ask a question, give time. Your child may not respond immediately, but it’s respectful to give him time to come up with what he wants to say.

When Mohit was younger, I would ask a question or give him a choice. If he didn’t respond quickly enough (3 seconds), I would make a choice for him.

After a while he would come up with what he really wanted. It would make me feel crappy.

This happened a few times, till I decided to give him time to respond.

I was certain he would let me know exactly what he wanted if he was given more time. He would respond with words or actions. I just had to be aware.

Give Them Time to Problem Solve

I watched an interesting session with a mother and child.

She wanted her teenager to open a packet of Maggi noodles. Anxiety was writ large over her face.

“What will you open it with?” She asked, as she pointed to a pair of scissors. The teenager immediately picked the cue and cut open the packet.

A couple of months down the line, I had an opportunity to work with a young adult on same activity.

I handed him the unopened Maggi noodles packet and waited.

He stood there, glanced at me a couple of times, expectantly. I shrugged.

He continued to wrestle with the problem. He looked at me again, this time with some anxiety.

“Hmm… I wonder what you’re going to do,” I said.

He tried to tear open the packet but couldn’t.

I let him remain in uncertainty. It was alright for him to be there, as long as he didn’t go over the edge.

By then, the anxiety started to build. He had started to pace and make anxious sounds.

“I wonder if you could open it with something else?” I said.

He looked around. He noticed a pair of scissors on the shelf above and quickly cut open the packet.

We were both relieved!

Note: I let him stay with the problem for at least 2 minutes before giving him the third cue. I did not jump in with a prompt to help him. It’s important to stay in the ‘uncertain’ zone.

Let your child figure it out. This leads to him feeling competent about solving problems on his own.

Imagine what a boost that would be for his self confidence and motivation!

“The good and bad in a person, their potential for success or failure, their aptitudes and deficits – they are mutually conditional, arising from the same source. Our therapeutic goal must be to teach the person how to bear their difficulties. Not to eliminate them for him, but to train the person to cope with special challenges with special strategies; to make the person aware not that they are ill, but that they are responsible for their lives,” Hans Asperger.

Who can say it better?

Give Them Time for Creativity

Creativity can’t be overemphasized.

Find something your child is interested in. Let him explore. Let him be by himself while he explores.

Be around to guide if required, but don’t interfere.

This will help your child get in touch with himself. Self identity can create magic and miracles.

If somebody had told me 10 years ago that one day, Mohit would be an artist, I would not have believed him.

Today, Mohit spends hours painting. Like other artists, he expresses himself through his paintings.

Dear Friend, You have done a lot for your child. You’ve tried all the possible therapies around, haven’t you? Give your child this gift of creativity.

Let him discover himself.

It’s never too late.

20 years ago, a young Kamini would run around, scouting for schools for an 8-year-old Mohit. She spent five hours each day, trying to teach Mohit shapes, colors, numbers, names of items, answering questions etc.

Life was a haze. It was about putting out fires every day.

If she had a guide who would have assured her that slowing down and giving time to Mohit to be himself would be the best thing she could do, she would have been grateful for the insight.

If she were guided to give herself and the rest of her family more time, she would have been even more grateful.

My dear Friend, I had nobody to guide me at that time.

But today, I stand here and watch as you struggle with your child. I want to tell you that it’s going to be okay. Everything will fall in place.

Give your child time. Above all, give yourself time.

Do share your thoughts in the comments. I would love to hear from you.

P.S. If you would like to know about a programs on how slowing down will help your child, please get in touch with us.