Will Noble

Excruciating Luxury London Accommodation Sales Speak

Crescent House: "Superfluous in design" according to the agent trying to sell it

Luxury accommodation sales speak: we don't know who's writing this stuff, but god, they're good at being bad.

This lot will either make you scratch your head or projectile vomit over your phone — possibly both.

First stop, Clapham: home of prime London milieu:

Located in the prime milieu of trendy Clapham, this two bedroom apartment will provide an oasis of calm...

Excellent. And Sky+ is definitely, definitely, definitely included?

Residents will benefit from a video entryphone security system and Sky+ connectivity (subject to subscription).

Right. But what we REALLY love about this property is that the agent has genuinely called it "superfluous in design". Does that mean the rooms have five walls?

Dollar Bay. Not in Miami

We're not quite sure, however, that the person who wrote this spiel for Emerald Gardens in Wembley IS on this planet. They've decided that the best asset of the apartments they're selling here are the... cupboards. These aren't your ordinary storage solutions though; they've got research from the Neuroscience Institute of Princeton University to show that these cupboards will improve your physical and mental wellbeing:

In simple terms, when developers follow the three principles of storage, residents can look forward to greater focus, reduced stress, less anxiety and more relaxation.

Now to Dollar Bay (sounds like it's in Miami, actually in the Isle of Dogs), and this estate agent's stunningly striking iconic use of adjectives:

Designed by international award-winning Ian Simpson Architects, Dollar Bay rises like two perfectly balanced crystals from the water’s edge, the development's stunning glass facade reflecting the ever-changing light. Informed by a strong, contemporary design concept, Dollar Bay is a striking, iconic addition to London's impressive skyline.

Impressive indeed. And you really can't disagree that the light is ever-changing, what with London being in the world and all.

Price ceiling: ouch. Tagline: double ouch

To Lexicon now and 'Islington's tallest tower, your biggest canvas'. The apartments are also touted as 'the place from which to write your own life story.' We assume that means there's a desk included. If you're still feeling a bit confused as to what you're investing your (up to) £5.8m into, this description makes things clear as mud:

Its 36-storey tower defines the spirit of the development and its 146 one, two and three bedroom private apartments take their lead from the culture and energy of the Lexicon's location.

Er. If we can't understand this, maybe Lexicon is simply out of our league... but we CAN afford a pad at the Landau in Fulham, yes?

The Landau is quintessentially British taking its name from an elegant 'landau' carriage favoured by the Royal Family.

Ah. Probably not then. And we're guessing the same applies to '5 & 6 Connaught Place':

This is an address that says more than words can achieve.

The Landau is named after a royal carriage

We tried and tried to say '5 & 6 Connaught Place' without using words, and we're struggling. We're also struggling to understand whether or not One Commercial Street is an actual building:

One Commercial Street towers twenty-one storeys above Aldgate East like a blade of light, its glass fin protruding dramatically to add a sculptural quality to Redrow London’s first flagship development.

Maybe we're not cut out for this luxury housing malarkey. But if you've ever wondered how you'll know if you HAVE made the step to a higher quality of life, Luxury Estate explains here (their weird phrasing not ours):

At the forefront of contemporary living every aspect of which has been designed with a higher quality of life in mind, a detail underpinned by the Legrand wireless audio system controlled via a bespoke iPad platform.

And with that we're going to go and purchase a bespoke Tesco meal deal.

We've previously dug up more horrendous luxury accommodation sales speak.