I used to be like you. I used to buy Revlon mascara on discount at CVS and swipe it on before work each morning, batting my brittle lashes as the Adonises of corporate America walked all over me. My brows were untamed and my lipstick shade was ill suited for my skin tone. Frankly, I was a mess.

But one fall day, everything changed. Upon finding a Sephora gift card on the street that still had some money on it, I had the idea to get an in-store makeover. As I sat on the plush stool and watched the makeup artist prepare for battle, I felt a change deep within myself. Now I stand above you who do not possess the power I now have.

The world seemed sharper, somehow more navigable. My face was slathered with high quality BB Cream and my dark under-eye circles dotted with concealer, making me look polished and wide awake. For the first time in my life, I possessed the face of a winner, and now everything I say matters.

After a swab of shimmery lilac eye shadow, everyone in the store turned to face me, suddenly ready to follow my every command. These eyes, which once pulsed with incompetence and inferiority, now hold a power not dissimilar to the Midas Touch.

Now I am the absolute authority on beauty, a veritable well of cosmetics knowledge, someone to whom women turn in their hour of need. I can coat your mouth in top-shelf lip-gloss while listening sympathetically as you describe your beauty mishaps with a knowing glance from under my newly penciled-in brows. Yes, my poor, naïve little troll: I was like you once, before I learned everything there is to know about contouring.

I know I may seem intimidating, but listen to me and slowly you may begin to glean some of my knowledge. Take a knee as I show you how to use this blending tool. Listen closely as I explain the benefits of Argan oil. Take notes as I demonstrate this face peel.

I am all-powerful, your supreme leader, the one to rule them all. Bow to me and my smudge-free liner!

I’ll leave you with these words of ageless wisdom, which may take years for you to fully understand: Powder your nose. Cover up that blemish. And for God’s sake, contour—though you won’t be able to understand that until you at least master liquid liner. Here, take this sample. And until you get yourself a Sephora makeover, come to me with all of your makeup queries, for I possess The Answer.