FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT

The classic school prank of covering somebody’s house in toilet paper for some reason has become another victim of the coronavirus as Australia’s high school students get priced out of the toilet paper market.

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After early experiments involving the throwing of various substitutes such as paper towels or bidets met with mixed results, most of the Australian students have been forced to resort to the use of baby wipes.

“It’s just not the same,” said Year 10 student Courtney Taylor.

“You can’t get any distance with a baby wipe; they are really hard to throw. Plus it takes ages to TP someone’s house now. By the time you set up the ladder and start pulling the wipes out of that stupid dispenser thing that doesn’t work properly the moment has passed. And it’s really dangerous because you might slip off the roof while you’re carefully laying the baby wipes out. We even got busted trying to do over a two-story house last week because the family inside were woken up by the beeping of the scissor lift we had to hire”.

Betoota East SRC Vice President Scott Kerza says schools needed to step in to help students obtain vital school supplies such as prank-grade toilet paper.

“The Macquarie Junior Dictionary defines “prank” as “a pink crustaceous animal of the shrimp family” he began, “and until every Australian school student has access to essentials such as toilet paper to cover other students’ houses with for some reason, we could end up living in a society where only wealthy students can afford to carry out such pranks.”

“The existence of this two-tiered social structure could have a highly detrimental effect on the social development and self-esteem of those who can’t afford to perform these essential pranks. I think that this division can only be avoided if the school provides students with the critical resources or money required to purchase them. This is the only way we can move forward to an inclusive future. Thank you.”

Betoota East Principal Wesley Shanks, whose house was given a midnight makeover about twice per week prior to the toilet paper crisis seemed less enthusiastic about the proposition.

“What? No.”