CHICAGO, IL - APRIL 30: Brandon Scherff of the Iowa Hawkeyes arrives on the gold carpet with his mom Cindy for the first round of the 2015 NFL Draft at the Auditorium Theatre of Roosevelt University on April 30, 2015 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Kena Krutsinger/Getty Images) Brandon Scherff of the Iowa Hawkeyes arrives on the gold carpet with his mom Cindy for the first round of the 2015 NFL Draft at the Auditorium Theatre of Roosevelt University on April 30, 2015 in Chicago, Illinois. (Photo by Kena Krutsinger/Getty Images)

I’m as shocked as you are that the Redskins’ first-round pick — our new right tackle, Brandon Scherff — chose me for his first exclusive interview. We only had five minutes to talk — as I had just cornered him in a men’s bathroom stall — but I was able to gather some pretty interesting information in our short time together.

Here’s a summary of my interview with Brandon.

Me: Hey, Brandon, can I ask you a few questions?

Brandon: Who’s there? I’ll be out in a minute.

Me: It’s, ummm, Todd McKiper, Jr.

Brandon: Oh, okay. Fire away, buddy.

I then asked Brandon a number of questions, his satirical answers are italicized below. I love this guy already.

Favorite food: Corn

Favorite movie: Deer Hunter

Favorite drink: Crush

Favorite book: Phone book — I like to tear them.

Favorite barber: Mom

How about a confession? I once went to a bachelor party and ate the entire cake before they could tell me there was a stripper in it.

Favorite beer: Keg

Favorite thing about yourself: Arms

Where will you buy a house in the D.C. area? Easton, Maryland — because corn.

What would you like your nickname to be? The monument

Favorite TV show: Tie, Duck Dynasty and Dancing with the Stars.

Why will skins fans like you? The man or beast that I run from ain’t been born — and its mama’s already dead.

Pet peeve: Small people and when anyone says, “There’s a new Scherff in town” to me.

Thing most people don’t know about you: I once threw a shot put through a school bus — not from one side to the other, it was from engine to muffler.

Most exciting thing about joining the NFL: Getting a jersey with numbers big enough to fit me.

One thing you’d change about the NFL: I’d eliminate helmets.

Suggestion for Redskins fans: Hold tight, the cavalry is on its way — and please add Scherff to your phone’s spell check.

I then heard a flush and ran for my life.

So there you have it, folks. We got a big, bad man coming to D.C. Some people think Scherff was a stretch at pick No. 5, but if he’s good enough for Scot McCloughan, he’s good enough for me. We will find a trade partner for more picks in a later round. For now, Trent Williams finally has a worthy counterpart on the other side of the o-line and our quarterbacks have one less excuse for why they stink.

We have three more days of this and the fun has just begun. In Scot we trust. Hail to the Redskins.

Follow Patrick’s satire on Twitter @RubGun and send your e-mail, questions and topic suggestions to cannon1067@gmail.com.