Peyton Manning Insists His Arm Is Just As Strong Today As When He Lost All Those Other Super Bowls

SANTA CLARA, CA – Despite a 2015 season in which he posted career lows in several major statistical categories and found himself benched for several games due to ineffectiveness, Broncos QB Peyton Manning assured reporters that as he prepares for Sunday’s Super Bowl matchup against the heavily favored Carolina Panthers, his throwing arm remains, “every bit as strong today as it was when I lost those other Super Bowls.”

“This notion that I’m on the decline is complete nonsense,“ Manning insisted before the start of his team’s Monday practice. “I can promise you there’s just as much zip in this arm now as there was back in 2010 when I threw that 4th quarter pick against the Saints to end our potential game-winning drive. And I’m every bit as accurate today as I was in 2013 when I tossed both of those interceptions to the Seahawks as we lost by 35 points.”

One reporter, however, read aloud several statistics that seemed to refute Manning’s claims: his 2015 TD percentage was the lowest of his career, his interception percentage was the highest, and his completion percentage was his worst since his 1998 rookie season.

“Look pal, I don’t care what your nerdy stat sheet says,” Manning snarled, while grabbing the paper and crumpling it into a ball. “All that matters is that my arm is just as strong today as it has ever been,” he concluded before tossing the wad in the direction of a nearby trash can, falling a full three feet short.

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