The greatest document ever written.

My bro Jono found this dude Zaac Doney’s CV. I truly believe it is the most important piece of written word since the printing press was created. Zaac Doney is the true Messiah.

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Zaac Doney

Curriculum Vitae

This CV is always up to date. All information in this CV is information i’ve got from me, no relay/s unless birth place/s/date/s/g of food i ate when i was aged 5 years or less/place/s i lived when i was aged under 5 years

I’m now physically and mentally fit and able to start work now. I’ll work for minimum wage or above, i’ll work only yearly any days 40-60 hour weeks, I want at least 2 weeks holiday per year (1 of those 2 weeks is from 27 Dec - 3rd Jan) unless the boss of your company gives me different hours then i’ll work them

Weight: 78kg

Height: 5 feet 11 inches

Education

I’ve completed all of the 3 year electricians course at the Electrical Training Company unless the trade and one day exams (I can do them in june/november, each will take 3 hours). I’ve never been head boy, prefect for a school/s. I’ve/my relation/s have never been suspended/expelled from a school/s. I attended Rangitoto College from January 2001 - December 2004 (left at the end of 6th form) and:

Previous jobs

January 2002 - January 2005, Petrol station

Controlled stock, served people and handled cash.

January 2009 - Now

Unemployed, looking for or/and wanting to legal work. I haven’t been door knocking to look for work since Jan 2009.

Current living situation: I’m living in a house with my parents (me or/and all of my family now have nothing, have never had anything and will never have anything to do with the words adopt (unless being friend/relation of person/s that is) or/and inbred) in 20 Pahiatua St, Hokowhitu since May 2010 because i’ve no money and assets (I get paid the weekly benefit from the government). I’ll flat the day after my next taxed pay working is deposited into my bank account. I’m unemployed, looking and/or wanting to legal work because my verbal referees said I was the last person to be employed at their companies so then I was the first person to be made redundant because of lack of work given to me

Birthday: 6 Ja 88

Gender: M

Relationship status: Currently single, i’ve always been or always will be a heterosexual. I’ve never, i’ll never touch/s/kiss/s/sex move/s/sex with anyone that smells/when her/their clothe/s smell like human/s shit/s/urine/s

Religious: I’ve never been and never will be. I’ve ever been in a church to praise a god 10 times, each time an hour to see what they did. I believe that anything that anyone thinks is smart was invented by a baboon, he/she told humans verbally all those secrets then the humans wrote all those secrets

Food: I’ve never, never will buy part of a chicken/s/frozen food/s (unless ice/vegetable/s)/caviar/s/any food/s thats not the cheapest. I’ve always, i’ll always eat at least 250grams of dead animal/s a day

Nationality: New Zealander, I support New Zealand in anything unless rugby union, gridiron, baseball, basketball, cricket, waterpolo, ice hockey, soccer. I’m Ngati Porou. Most of my friends in auckland are in a gang called aps, pronounced ay pee es (means either ay plus stylz or aypsti/z), i’ll never be in that gang, the gang/s im/only gang/s ive ever been in is called shiv, pronounced like that, those 2 gangs have no relation to each other, ill never be in more than 1 gang at the same time, i’ll never leave a gang/s. I’ve never been, i’m now not, i’ll never be a member of these gang/s: mongrel mob, hells angels mc, head hunters mc, king cobras, highway 61 mc, nomads, rebels mc, road knights mc, tribesmen mc, magog mc, triads, black power, killer beez, ku klux klan, white power, nazi, bloods, crips, kgb, al qaeda, taliban, skinheads, russian mafia, asian mafia

Blood in me when I was born: 94% Scottish, 6% Maori. I’ve never been dropped to the sea/on a boat/s. The longest duration and distance boat ride i’ve ever been on was from Rodbyhavn to Fehmarn, it took 3 hours. I’ve never closed my eye on a boat/s for more than 2 seconds

Family: I’ve never had a child/s, sibling/s, mum/s or dad/s that’s died or/and is about to die in the next 50 years. I’ve a mum (1958), dad (1959 born in Elsdon NZ), brother (1977) and a sister (1982). I’m now not and/or i’ve never been a dad/uncle. I’ve never had, I don’t now have a step family member/s. My parents have never split. The had had/has now last name/s of all my relations and my relations relations are: Doney, Reedy, Macdaniel, Gordon, Lorenzen, Nio-aporo, Tully, Cullum, Mcniff, Thomson, Scott, Forbes, Warren, Rasmussen, Sharpe, Nero, Meehan, Hanson, Watty, Rose, Macdonald, Taylor, Magee, Hedges, Waihi, James, Matenga, Bishop, Taukamo, Taiaroa, Poutama, Lee

Pet: I now own my own brown burmese cat, born in 1998, i’ve looked after her since she was 2 human months old, her name is Karma, I picked her up from a place called Te Aroha. I’ve never eaten part of a human/s. I’ve never seen an animal/s/pet/s gave birth/s

Ever owned or do I now own part of a house, a piece of land or a big toy: I’ve ever owned and used 6 cars (17-now), a 8 seater van for 2 years (15-17) and a 2 wheeled motorbike for a year (5-6). I now own a lap top, ipod 80gb, xbox 360, surfboard, wetsuit, car that is now all roads legal in NZ, it now works, i’ll use my car to get to and home from work. I’ll never give money to charity anywhere. I’ll, i’ve never own my own/part of anything on hire purchase/loan unless part of a house (i’ll pay a 5% deposit as soon as I get the money and assets). I’ll never pay more than NZ $200,000 for a house anywhere

Criminal history: All convictions i’ve ever got from a law I was aged 18 or older, on land and in Auckland. I’ve never been in jail/s. I’ll never go in jail/s unless to visit my full blood relation/s that will serve a longer than 5 year sentence (no more than 10 minutes per year per person, I won’t visit in the 1st 5 years, the time accumulates)/friend/s that will serve a longer than 5 year sentence for anything unless pedophiled, serial murdered, murdered (no more than 10 minutes per year per person, I won’t visit in the 1st 5 years, the time accumulates)/do legal work because I won’t commit a crime/s unless drink driving/s (if I do go to jail/s these are the people ill let visit me most to least, my girlfriend, full blood relation/s, my blood cousin/s, my blood aunty/s/uncle/s, my friends, my girlfriend friend/s/relation/s, anyone unless my blood parent/s). I’ve done between 100-200 hours of community service work that was given to me with force by a ministry of justice court judge. I’ve done and been convicted driving when drunk 4 times. I’ve done and been convicted peed outdoors on a vacant public tree at dark (I needed to pee, I thought there wasn’t a toilet or/and urinal near me and/or nobody could see me before I started a 10 second pee). I used diversion the first time I could peed outdoors on a vacant public dry concrete at dark (I did that crime, I needed to pee, I thought there wasn’t a toilet or/and urinal near me and/or nobody could see me before I started a 10 second pee). I’ve done and been convicted resisted arrest tried to go in a bar at dark (I sprinted away for a minute before being handcuffed). I got arrested when I was aged 16 for drinking alcohol in a public place (I did it in Whangamata). I’ve never, i’ll never kick anyone in the head when he/she/they aren’t stand on his/her/their foot/s unless a non New Zealander/s then i’ll do it, sit on top of, eye gouge, snap/hit neck, snap back anyone. I’ve never used, i’ll never use a weapon/s (something/s that’s not part of the human body) vs a human being/s unless vs a non New Zealander/s for fun/self defense. I’ve, i’ll never be a friend/relation of an inbred/s, homosexual/s, bisexual/s, cop/s etc/his/her/their kid/s/sibling/s/parent/s, ex cop/s etc/his/her/their kid/s/sibling/s/parent/s, dressed up cop/s etc/his/her/their kid/s/sibling/s/parent/s, ex dressed up cop/s etc/his/her/their kid/s/sibling/s/parent/s, murderer/s, serial murderer/s, pedophile/s, healthy pet/s murderer/s person/s unless my full blood relation/s. I’d be a friend of anyone unless person/s that don’t disown his/her/their friend/s after they’ve been inbred/s, homosexual/s, bisexual/s, murderer/s, serial murderer/s, pedophile/s, healthy pet/s murderer/s

Funerals: All funerals i’ve ever been to is my dad’s side nana (I was aged 22 when she died of cancer, i’ve ever talked to her for 2 minutes when she was alive and sober) and grandad (I was aged 23 when he died of old age, i’ve ever talked to him for 2 minutes when he was alive and sober), my cousin Jesse James (I was aged 21 when he died in his car he was driving by himself, he crashed into barrier on upper harbour motorway Greenhithe, I reckon he went through windscreen, his face was cut), a picture of his before death crash car is in my facebook, I ever talked to him for 20 minutes when he was alive and sober

Current site safe: No

Do I now own protective gear: Steel capped lace up boots, ear muffs and clear glasses

My contacts: Mobile - 21 237 8189

Email - zaacdoney@mail.com

I’ll never tell anyone or/and anything a joke. I now don’t have/i’ve never had brace/s, fake tooth/teeth or/and a filling/s in/on/under my tooth/teeth. I’ve never worn, I now don’t wear, i’ll never wear contact lense/s or/and reading/sunglass glass/s, i’ve ever worn cartoon dog crazy contact lenses one in each eye for 3 days. I’ve never saved anyone/anything/s life. I’ve ever had one electric shock by peed on an electric fence when I was aged 8. I’ve never had, i’ll never get a name change. My nickname/s since I was aged 7/i’ve ever had is Donr (sounds like dough na), I don’t know how I got it. I’ve never tried, i’ve never played a didgeridoo/s, bagpipe/s. Musical instruments i’ve ever played is guitar 10minutes, piano 10 minutes, keyboard 10 minutes, drum kit 4hours, recorder 2minutes, trumpet 2 minutes, saxophone 2 minutes. I’ve never been in a music band, choir. I’ve never had a tattoo. I got all my freckles when I was in North Shore, I was aged 6, i’ll never/never get anyone or/and anything to remove it/them. I’ve never hurt anyone/made anyone leave a game/s

Hobbies

Frequently play or watch most sports (mostly rugby league, fishing (the fattest fish i’ve ever caught was a 3kg snapper, i’ve never killed an animal/s unless fish/s or insect/s), touch rugby, rugby league tag, softball and surf on a board that’s 6 feet long at a beach (mostly with one or more of my friends, sometimes with myself or with one or more of my family) ). I’ve played for Paremoremo (if I could name the clubs best 3 teams i would call them Piranas) softball club for 8 years until the club became nonexistent in 2004 (I don’t know why it became or is nonexistent). I’ve ever played/coached/watched/trained 3 hours of soccer, I’ll never play/coach/watch/train more than 5 hours of soccer. I’ve/i’ll never had enough talent to make/play/coach for a country/s in anything/New Zealand regional rugby league/rugby/surf team/s, i’ll never make/play/coach vs New Zealand, i’ll never make/play/coach/train for a country/s unless New Zealand, i’ve played for North Harbour at mens softball. CIub/rep teams ive ever played/made/coached for vs a country/s is I played for a Danish softball club team against the Netherlands, Czech Republic softball teams, for Danish softball league all stars team vs Denmark softball team, i’ll never play/make/coach for a cIub/rep team/s vs a country/s. I was pitcher in softball for northcross intermediate school for form 1 and 2 and we won both years at the auckland champs. I’ve never, i’ll never play/coach/watch/train american gridiron, baseball, basketball, cricket, waterpolo, ice hockey. I don’t care what number, name, sign writing is/will be on my uniform/s when I play, train, coach sport/s. If I had to choose what number, name, sign writing is/will be on my uniform/s when I play, train, coach I would choose in order from my most favourite to least favourite 0,3,8 (i’ll never play/train/coach with number 9,5,6,29,1 on my uniform/s). My golf average is 48

Listen to music

Party

Play video games

Gamble on tab horses (gallops) and/or most sports unless rugby union, soccer, american gridiron, baseball, basketball, cricket, waterpolo, ice hockey roughly weekly at most places mostly at a pub or at home, mostly with one or more of my friends, sometimes with myself or with one or more of my family

Search for then be the new owner of a bargain/s at most free entry roadside inorganics roughly yearly

Drink alcohol (mostly 4% made in NZ alcohol beer). I’ll never tell anyone i’m wasted/drunk etc unless they/him/her ask me. I’ve smoked/bum puff/s or chewed tobacco, i’ll never smoke/bum puff/s tobacco unless cigar/s i’ll only bum puff it/them I’ve tried and never blown a smoke ring/s, done the splits, a double joint move/s, flip/s or/and cartwheel/s when I start/stop on land, break dance/s spin/s/pause/s. I can do a headstand for i’ve never timed, handstand 30 seconds, limbo/s below 160cm from the ground

Verbal Referees

Dave (9 444 5300 or 21 975 474)

or Paul.