President Putin: Certainly not, Donald. Mr. Comey’s timely intervention was more than sufficient. May we also say how much we admire how you have discredited the F.B.I. and the rest of your so-called deep state? To rally your supporters and confound your opponents by conjuring imaginary enemies is a method we have profitably employed for over a century, most recently in Ukraine.

We are pleased to see you now use the same technique with your European allies.

President Trump: Oh, they’re the worst! So full of airs and condescending. And we keep picking up the check! It’s like being married to Zsa Zsa Gabor or someone: You pay for everything; next thing you know she dumps you and keeps the house. No thanks!

President Putin: An apt comparison, Donald. Truly you and all American taxpayers are being swindled. And, if we may ask, for what? With so much immigration, Europeans are not even European anymore. Did you know that NATO’s newest member, Montenegro, is almost the most Muslim country in the alliance, except of course for Turkey?

President Trump: I did not know that!

President Putin: It’s true. Yet your predecessor, Mr. Obama, invited them to join NATO, and they slipped in behind your back at the beginning of your term. Just imagine, young American troops, God forbid, might have to fight World War III to defend this tiny country of too many Muslims.

President Trump: Not on my watch! It’s not like any of these little countries do jack for our security.

President Putin: You might say the same about Estonia, for example, and other faraway countries of which, if you may permit us to say, you know nothing.

President Trump: Couldn’t find them on a map, frankly.

President Putin: Donald, we have the same goals. We want to defend the great Christian civilization of your Scottish and German ancestors against barbarians from the southlands. Yet we are being stabbed, stabbed in the back, by the exact same people! I mean global capitalists like George Soros and Bill Browder and he-women like Hillary and Merkel and feminized men like Barack Obama who have no will to fight!