I have come to realize that life has few second chances to offer but instead, many second thoughts and guesses. I cannot tell you that I did everything I could have or should have done, it just simply would not be true. I look back now and I know could have and should have done more when I first learned of his abuse almost two years ago. She could have had that second chance. I would not be left now with nothing but my second guesses that torment my every waking moment had I stepped in and acted with more insistence, been more persistent and not tried to rely on the hope that she’d just leave him and things would be hunky dory.

Some women cannot leave. Krystal was one of them. She tried a few times. To our horror we found out that the last time she did he hunted her down and forced her into the trunk of her car where she remained for 2 1/2 days. I cannot imagine her terror. It makes me sick to even think or write about it.

I cannot make any allusion of understanding what it is like for any woman in such a situation. I am not and have never been in their shoes to ever know the torment they have endured. What I do understand, and all too well, is from a parents perspective, a fathers perspective- that it was ultimately my job and responsibility to protect my child. Period. As I cannot fathom this from an abused woman’s perspective, you cannot possibly relate to what I feel knowing that as a parent that I failed in the job of protecting her. Nor do you ever want to be able to relate to what that is like, believe me.

I wouldn't want you to.

Neither would Krystal.

Krystal was one of those people who could not and would not pass by an animal, child, the elderly or disabled without making a point of acknowledging their presence and making them feel welcome and at ease, that they had a friend. She choose to become a CNA because she felt she could really help people who needed it most. And she did. Many a time she visited the same folks she was payed to care for on her own time and on days off. The cases that bothered her most were the kids and frail who were dumped in a facilty and left to die alone, she was profoundly disturbed by each one.

When her ex showed up stalking her at her job she called the police. She was immediately fired. The day before at our local hospital a deranged ex had shot and killed his ex wife(a friend of Krystals) in the parking lot, the facility didn't want the liability of some deranged asshole hunting her down like that at theirs.

The thing that bothered her more than losing her job was her concern for a particular patient, a man dying of AIDS who had been literally and figuratively dumped at the door. Other workers treated him as if he had the plague. He had no one. He had Krystal. She was all he had. She was frantic, "now he has no one, none of those people give a shit about him". Although she was going through all that she was, her focus of concern was so unselfishly on someone who'd been a total stranger to her just a week or so before and his well being. That was just her.

We all need a bit of that great sense of empathy she had. It goes a long way. It can change someone life. I really do feel that she'd be highly upset with me if I didn't use what has happened to her to try to reach others and hopefully, maybe, someone will read it and reach out to help out someone in a similar situation. It needn't end as it did for her. We are still here, we are still alive, there are many more victims of DV out there who are, and like her patient, some times all they need is to know that someone does care.

Someone like you.

I don't know if this is the penitence I am forced to pay, all of these second guesses or what. The could have, should have, would have thoughts, but I do know that they have continuously and persistently tormented me to the point of illness both physically and mentally. My wife even more so than I. We are not the same people we were nor do I see how we can ever be again. We all got into this life knowing, even expecting to die. Knowing that some day we would unfortunately have to bear the awful witness and pain to our parents deaths. Few, if any of us ever envision that of our child’s. No loved one’s death is easy, a child’s death is overwhelming. A murdered child is even worse. Unfortunately, I know this to be true...

In 1991 my son ran out in front of a car while chasing a ball and was hit and killed by a car. I cannot say that I ever got over it, no one "gets over it". What I can say is that the biggest question haunting me about Krystals death is simply, WHY? I didn’t have to grapple with that question with Bryans death, I knew it was an accident. I knew there was nothing that I or any one could’ve done to prevent it from happening. This is so much, so radically different because I know that there were a million missed opportunities that could have prevented this from ever happening. I only needed one. Now I'd give my life for that one.

If there is anything to be gained out of this horror, if I could point out what it is I wish for you to take away from reading this it is two things.

I have not and cannot come up with any better wording than when I wrote about Krystals death here originally and I implore each and every one of you that have knowledge of any woman suffering as a victim of domestic violence to understand that you, too, could be but one instance away from the same anguish my wife and I now are having to deal with. Please take my words here to heart: Get involved.

Be a voice for one silenced, stand up for someone beaten down, say something that needs to be said, be there where you haven't been before, step up for those being stepped on, ask questions, demand answers , stand up but never never ever stand by or stand down when you know you are witnessing spousal abuse/violence. DO something. Get involved.

These women are our mothers, our sisters, and daughters. This shit has to stop.

http://www.dailykos.com/...

Do not stand back and allow a victim to remain a victim. Get involved. So many victims cannot or will not come forward, they may feel you would not understand. They may feel ashamed or guilty or feel they cannot talk about it. Let them know you are there and that they can talk about it. Do not judge them, they are victims and may see no way out of the hell they are enduring. Let them know that there is a way out, become a part of that way. Offer them the information they may fear seeking. Just don't ignore it. Just don't ignore them. They need you. They need all of us. If you are a victim of domestic violence, please, seek help. There are many great organizations awaiting your call or email that not only can help but will. It does not need to continue and you should not have to live in fear of the next incident. You may not survive the next incident. Don't wait until there is nothing you can do, instead, don't stop until there's nothing left that you haven't done. Unfortunately, it really is a matter of life and death. Maybe not the last time, maybe not this time, maybe not the next, but how many chances do you think you'll have to intervene?

You may only have the next one.

I wish I had one more...

National Domestic Violence Hotline

http://www.ndvh.org/

Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE

50 state list of resources:

http://www.safe4all.org/



The second thing?

I know from experience just how difficult it is trying to come up with the right words to say to someone that has just lost a loved one. It is very difficult, honestly, I am no better at it than anyone else . I am not downing anyone for their attempts to offer words of condolence because I truly know just how difficult it is. Some of it is ingrained in us and we can only say what we think is right in that moment for that moment. We all mean well and what we may say is well intended but think about this...

Some things you might try to refrain from saying.

"She is in a better place". .

"It was Gods will".

"This is parts of Gods plan"

"She isn’t suffering any more"

Last: all of us say this, "if there is anything I can do, please call and let me know". Well I know we would all do whatever, whenever, and however, by any means necessary IF that person ever DID call but did you ever notice that they never call? Because they haven’t does not necessarily mean that they want to be left alone, they may really need you but feel they would be bothering or imposing upon you with their problems. Grief of a loved one lost is devastating and those you care about may never reach out to you as a result, even if they want to so badly. So remember when you say those words to keep saying them, keep calling, keep stopping by, keep offering. The worst and loneliest time is directly after a funeral, when every leaves the house and goes home and you are left with nothing but your thoughts, believe me, I know.

The following was sent to my wife by a friend of hers who also lost a child. I think it exemplifies what I am trying to say:

I’ve never lost a child before,

and I don’t understand

all of these emotions I am feeling.

Will you try to understand and help me?

Please let me mourn.

I may appear together, but I am not.

Often times it hurts so much

I can hardly bear it.

Please let me mourn.

Don’t expect too much from me. I will try to

help you know what I can and cannot handle.

Sometimes I am not always sure.

Please let me mourn.

Let me talk about my child, I need to talk. It’s

part of the heeling. Don’t pretend nothing has

happened. It hurts terribly when you do, I

love my child very much and my memories

are all I have.

They are very precious to me.

Please let me mourn.

Sometimes I cry and and act differently, but it is

all part of grieving. My tears are necessary

and needed and should not be held back. It

even helps when you cry with me. Please

don’t fear my tears.

Please let me mourn.

What I need most is your friendship, your

sympathy, your prayers, your support, and

your understanding love. I am not the same

person I was before my child died, and I

never will be. Hopefully we can all grow from

this shared tragedy.

Please let me mourn.

God gives us strength to face each day, and

the hope I will survive with his help and

yours. Time will heal some of the pain, but

there will always be

an empty place in my heart.

Please let me mourn.

Please let me mourn and thank you

for helping me

through the most difficult time of my life.

My wife and I thank all of you for any and every word of support, sympathy and condolence offered since our nightmare began. We thank those of you who reached out personally with the help we needed at a very difficult moment, it has not been forgotten, nor will it. I assure you.

UPDATE: Well, another long day, you have no idea of how good it was to come home and see just how many of you read this and are moved to action. We really do appreciate it, it is all we really ask, to get involved. I thank every one of you who have , or plan to do something, these women having to deal with this crap are indeed ALL of our sisters, mothers, and daughters. When one suffers so do we all.

For Krystal:

