Paltrow says that we all probably remember “how wimpy” she was when she won last year. She did cry quite a bit, yes! Anyhoo, Spacey wins, as we probably all knew would happen. He does his speech, blah blah.

“Something doesn’t seem right here.”

Director time! Last year’s winner, a long-forgotten filmmaker named Steven Spielberg, comes out to hand out the trophy.

“I’m gonna build me an airport terminal.”

Mendes wins. The woman behind him has more energy than I had when I started this recap.

“I can finally go pee!!”

Look at baby Spike Jonze!

“My next project is set up at Helix Studios.”

We’ll in all likelihood be seeing Mendes on the Oscar stage again this year, which would be the longest gap in best director wins in Academy history. Or Bong Joon-ho will win and that will be great.

Okay, folks. Can you feel it? It’s time to bring this puppy home. Clint Eastwood arrives on stage to put us all out of our misery, blessedly going right into the nominees without any preamble.

“I was Haley Joel Osment when this thing started.”

American Beauty wins, again, probably as we knew it would. The two lead producers take the stage, while Annette Bening looks on in pride and utter exhaustion.

“I woulda remembered to thank Warren.”

Spielberg is pleased as punch because his DreamWorks made the movie. It’s almost like Saving Private Ryan won! Almost.

“A big, beautiful airport terminal . . .”

And that’s the ballgame! Billy Crystal jokes that it’s “the shortest Oscar ceremony this century,” and then we’re out.

Thanks for reading! Goodnight to all of you, but especially you, Tom Cruise.