On paper, no one can argue with cats. Nice concept. Clean design. Right size. Good noise level. No need to go outside. More or less independent. The theoretical cat is perfectly conducive to the lazy man's lifestyle. Yet few men I know own cats. I think it's because we've come to the same conclusion. In spite of their theoretical benefits, ready availability and legions of supporters, actual cats offer nothing of value to modern humanity.

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Get a job, you poop-burying hippies.

Oh, you've never met MY cat! Really? Does your cat run around? Does your cat play? Does your cat listen to you? Is your cat loyal? Does it do tricks? So, your best defense of cats is that your cat is different because it acts like a dog? Well, then ...

But you DON'T UNDERSTAND. You're not a CAT PERSON, you say. You're right. I don't, and I'm not. Here's the sad part: I want to. I want to love cats. I really do. I love the idea of owning a small animal I seldom have to think about. It makes total sense for me. I get credit for keeping something alive, and I receive the benefits of companionship. But every time I spend a long period of time with a cat, I'm ripped from my reverie -- usually right after the cat leaves the litter box and walks poop tracks across the dinner table -- and I catch myself and think, "Why would anyone want to own one of these things?"

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My comments are divisive, I know. I'm digging at old wounds. I'm not here to deepen the national division. I'm here to help. I'm here to offer solutions on ways we can improve cats so that all of mankind can love cats the way you cat lovers love cats. Some of these suggestions are practical. Some are radical. But no one can ever say I was one of those cat bashers who just complained about the problem and didn't do anything about it. So how about we try some of these on for size?