Dear Dr. Chopra,

The first thing you need to know—after you’ve learned something about evolution and physics—is this: I do not read Twitter. My Twitter account is there as a proxy for my website. Its only “tweets” are links to new posts on Why Evolution is True, alerting readers to items that might interest them. I have Twitter followers, but I do not follow anyone.

Therefore, it is useless for you to keep “tweeting” at me, for I do not read, nor do I care, about what you have to say.

I was informed by a friend that you have just engaged in a frenetic and nasty bout of twittering at me, about me, and against me. When I checked, I found the following hilarious stream of invective on your site:

Actually, I am surprised that, given your busy schedule of doing “science,” lecturing at Harvard, and hobnobbing with the greats, you’ve found time to issue 32 tweets in the last 21 hours, many of them aimed at me. Who’s running Chopra, Inc.? Surely your time would be better spent peddling ayurvedic fertility aids than attacking an obscure scientist.

The problem is that I am not checking my Twitter account, so what you are doing is the equivalent of what this kitten is doing:

If I didn’t know better, and didn’t take your word that you’re rational, I’d call this behavior obsessive. Further, your ignorance of evolution is matched only by your rancor.

I won’t respond in kind. Instead, I will simply proffer you a poem that you are free to use as your own mantra. It’s set to the tune of the old Helen Reddy song, “I am woman.”

I am Deepak; hear me roar

As you patronize my store,

And buy up all the nostrums that I sell.

You may say that I’m a crank,

But just tell that to my bank,

For I’m Deepak, and you can go to hell. Oh yes, I am rich,

Though it’s richness born of woo;

And for those whose life’s a bitch,

I will bilk them through and though.

If I had to, I could sell anything;

I’m a crank,

But I’m a scientist—

I am DEEPAK!

Yours sincerely,

Jerry Coyne

p.s. There is no evidence that evolution is “self directed & purpose driven.”