Police at a fancy shopping mall outside of Chicago have nabbed what they described as a “million-dollar shoplifting ring,” and with it — Sasha Obama. Obama was reportedly included in the intitial arrest but has since been removed from the record completely. No media has reported it and the Skokie police have no record that she’s even been to Rosemont.

How did she get away with it? Simple. Our source tells us she used a bit of privilege along with some reverse racism to make it all disappear — with a little help from Daddy:

“Well see what had happened was…the police went into that there mall to collect the criminals what’s been terrorizin’ retailers and whatnot, and in the commotion, they nabbed everyone who looked guilty. Out there in the West Devonshire area, some of the folks just…didn’t fit in. So the Beaver County Sherrif got involved and next thing you know, we got Sasha Obama in tears begging to talk to her Daddy.”

That’s the last anyone heard her name, though she was seen in central booking in Gary, Indiana getting on a transport back to Washington. According to the official police statement, The people involved were ultimately charged with over a million dollars in theft over the past two years. Sasha Obama may or may not have been involved but she definitely won’t be charged. According to Illinois Attorney General, Art Tubolls:

“Ms. Obama was released along with Juan Sanchez, the Latino male in the picture, and Sandy Batt, the guy next to her who police mistook for being possibly half-minority of some kind. There is no evidence that they knew the thieves or that they had any knowledge of the crimes, but there is an ongoing investigation to rule out any further involvement by minorities, which includes them, so they’ve been asked not to leave the country.”

Homeland Security confirms that it has issued a travel ban for Sasha Obama pending felony charges, but that nobody is actually taking it seriously.