Hey Auntie! I’ll get right to it.

So I’m in my senior year of college and currently living with three roommates. They’re all guy friends from high school and we’ve been close for years. During our freshman year, we ended up with a neighbor, H, who took a few classes at our school and worked a lot. I instantly liked her. She’s smart and cute and a lot of fun. If truth be told, while I’m not Dungeons and Dragons, zits and braces, collect em all trading cards geek, I’m definitely somewhere along the spectrum. I’m only 5’10, I know a lot about computers, I was taking calculus as a sophomore ( in high school), and I have an annoying habit of correcting everyone ( anyone, friend, foe, or stranger) on anything grammatical or correcting a mispronunciation. ( The who whom one really gets under my skin) But for all that, I’m not socially awkward.

Obviously I’m saying this because she’s normal and perfect. She’s incredibly sweet and although she doesn’t understand half of what we (my roommates and I) are talking about when we start going on about computers or games, she can hold her own and loves books and movies and I’ve sort of been in love with her since I met her. The guys know and she’s a regular at our house.

But I’ve never been able to tell her or ask her out. The actual thought of it and just trying to imagine it makes me queasy and I gave up. Well, senior year has started and I noticed my friend and roommate G, has been getting a little closer to H. Nothing weird or bad, but I’ve noticed him making her more and more playlists and they’re reading each other’s favorite series, which obviously isn’t huge. She’s been around for almost four years, but I was sure they were getting closer on some level. Finally, I came home last night from work and G was waiting up for me. He turned off the TV and we had the most awkward conversation ever.

G: I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest. I like H. I’ve actually always liked her, but I was still with someone at the time and you said you liked her first. But it’s been four years and you haven’t asked or told her. Can I ask her out? Would you be fine with it?

Me: Uh… I mean sure. If you like her, you should tell her. I was just waiting for the right time but it never happened and I think it just made me queasy.

G:….So you’d be fine with it? We’d still be friends, whatever she said?

Me: uh huh…yeah, we’ll always be friends.

I think it was just awkward on my side, because he just looked at me and never stuttered or anything. He’s never been one to beat around the bush. He always gets to the point. So we stood up and sort of awkward bro hugged for some reason and then he left and I saw him texting.

When I went to bed, I felt queasy in a way like I felt like I had been punched, which doesn’t make sense, but that’s how I felt. So I sat up immediately and texted H and asked her to call me immediately. She called almost a minute later and asked if I was okay and I basically shouted, “Do-ya-wanna-go-out-with-me” into the phone and she was really quiet for a second and then said, “ Seriously? Are you @##&ing kidding me?” And then she called me an ass and hung up. She still hasn’t answered any of my texts or calls. The next day, G called me an ass and said that H probably thinks we were messing with her or that we were having some kind of contest because she had told him yes (queasier gut punch) but then called him back to say that whatever game we were playing, she wouldn’t be part of. I’ve tried visiting and calling and texting, but she won’t answer the door or phone. I’ve tried telling G that I’ve liked her longer and that I realized I couldn’t let him ask her out, but his face just gets dark and doesn’t answer me. I’ve tried talking to my other roommates about it, but they’re staying neutral and won’t hear anything about it and now I have nobody to talk to about this. How can I make G understand that my feelings are stronger and that he has no reason to be mad and how can I make H understand that I really do have feelings for her and that it was all a misunderstanding?

Before we go any further, Sparkler, I’ve gotta be honest with you. Upon finishing your letter, Auntie SparkNotes first instinct was pretty much exactly the same as your ladyfriend’s after you’d asked her out: a few seconds of stunned silence, followed by the same obscenity laden question, followed by… well, more silence, but only because I have a personal policy of not calling my dear letter-writers names, particularly when they’re clearly in pain. However, I’m also duty-bound to point out that it’s not exactly a mystery why this conversation ended with everyone involved telling you what an ass you are. Because while you might not be an ass, an ass is certainly what you have behaved like.

Which I am telling you not to make you feel bad, but because you are clearly in need of a compassionate reality check about how badly you mucked this up. And while I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, I’m hoping you’ll stick around to consider it, because the worst thing in the world would be for you to learn nothing from this awful situation and end up repeating it somewhere down the line. So, grab a beverage, wrap yourself in something comfy, and gird your loins for some Real Talk.

Because when you ask how you can convince your friend that he has no reason to be mad, you’re ignoring the rather glaring part where he actually has a terrific reason to be mad. This guy went out of his way to talk to you about his intentions—a conversation that would have been far easier to skip, and that he was under no obligation to have, and that he nevertheless initiated anyway, because he cared about your feelings and didn’t want you to be blindsided or your friendship ruined when he and this girl started dating. And in return for that care and consideration, you turned around and abused the ever-loving hell out of his trust, trying to sabotage the nascent relationship that you only knew about because he cared enough to give you a heads up in the first place.

That was a whopper of a betrayal, dude. So of course your friend is angry at you—and of course, so is your crush, for what is likely a variety of reasons. I mean, you say that you like her more than your friend does, but that’s an eyebrow-raiser of a claim when he’s the one who actually risked rejection and awkwardness to pursue her. You, on the other hand, treated her like a toy you didn’t care to play with until it was desirable to someone else. (If your friend hadn’t told you he intended to date her, you would never have even asked her out, no?)

Which brings us to this: You don’t deserve to date this girl just because you think you should, or because you’ve been crushing on her longer. That’s not how this stuff works. And as such, there’s no outcome here in which you convince your friend that the selfish, undermining thing you did — which not only wrecked your friendship with him, but apparently ruined the budding romance between him and this girl—was totally not a big deal. Instead, I’d like to gently suggest to you that your focus at this point needs to be not on getting your way, but on making things right. Your friend deserves an apology, and by “apology,” I mean something along the lines of, “I’m sorry I dealt with my jealousy in such a cowardly, two-faced, hurtful way.” You caused harm, here. You’ve gotta own that. And if you really want to do the right thing, then you’ll leave this girl alone—but not before you send her one last message letting her know that your friend was blameless in this mess, and genuine in his interest in her.

And look: I know that none of this is easy, especially since it requires letting go of the comforting idea that you’re the good guy in this scenario. But if you can find the strength to admit that you did wrong this time, the weight of wisdom, experience, and useful regrets will be on your side the next time you have feelings for someone… which, thanks to what you’ve learned, you’ll have the courage to speak up about before it’s too late.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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