I don’t like pizza.

When my friends ask me why, after they’ve gotten over the initial shock of it all (I live in New York where apparently this is not okay?), I explain it this way: one time I broke it down and realized pizza is nothing more than white bread doused in pasta sauce and topped with cheese. “Yeah,” they typically say, “so why don’t you like pizza?” And I shake my head. And then friendship is terminated. Typically.

I’m a Pizza Denier. Sorry.

So it makes sense that if I’m going to make/eat/inhale any kind of pizza, it’s going to be completely unrecognizable as such. And this is probably my favorite thing I’ve ever made. Yummy. So yummy.

skip to that pizza that isn’t entirely pizza because, you know, it actually tastes good…

Some people might say “its not at all pizza, you monster,” but I say, hey man I’m just trying to do right by you guys who look at me like I’m crazy for the pizza hate so please throw me a fucking bone and lay off already, okay? Fuck.

I made a vegan version and a non-vegan version (see: I’ve had some feta in my fridge for the last three months and that needs to change) and both taste delightful.

And hey, sundried tomato hummus has the word “tomato” in it and pizzas involve tomatoes so why won’t you please stop looking at me like that and eat your Mediterranean Portobello Pizza!

Also? Stop persecuting me already. I’m glad we had this talk. Friendship terminated.

MEDITERRANEAN PORTOBELLO PIZZAS

makes as many pizzas as you have portobello caps and I have all the portobello caps!

Ingredients:

Portobello caps

A teeny tiny bit of olive oil

a bit of salt, pepper, and onion powder

sundried tomato hummus

Roasted Fennel Tapenade

Yellow onions, sliced

Grape tomatoes, halved

Sweet roasted yellow peppers, sliced

Some parsley

Optional: feta, vegan feta, homemade feta, pheta

I’m going to throw the most pretentious pizza party ever:

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Prepare your Portobello caps: wipe the dirt off with a damp paper towel. De-stem the caps. Using a spoon, gently remove the black gills from underneath the cap. Slice a shallow “X” in the center of the top of the cap. Rub them down, on both sides, with the dabs of olive oil. Season both sides. Place, gill sides down on the baking sheet. Roast for 15-20 minutes.

Quickly sauté your onions in a hot pan sprayed with cooking spray. Salt and pepper a bit.

Once the caps have cooled a bit, flip them over. Spread ½ ounce of hummus on the cap. If you’re using cheese, top them with about ¼ ounce of crumbled feta. Now spread a layer of Fennel Roasted Tapenade, 15g or so for the cheesed cap/25g or so for the un-cheesed. Top with onions, tomatoes, roasted yellow peppers, and a bit of parsley. Eat!

NUTRITION