I don’t have exact percentages, but a large number of the male population suffers from the tragic Small Penis Syndrome (SPS for short.) Here are a few ways to tell (without actually having to witness his tiny penis.)

1. Overcompensation

This side effect pretty much encompasses the entire list, but can be spotted through a few simple behaviors. Men who have tiny penises normally over compensate by attempting to own expensive things. For example, a man driving a Ferrari probably has a really small dick. By driving a fancy car, a man is pretty much saying, “HEY! Focus on the car, NOT my small penis! PLEASE!” If a man feels the need to wave his money in your face, then he is more than likely the owner of an undersized package. A man with a normal penis knows that once the time comes for you to see see his penis, it will not be a disappointment, and he will not need other tactics such as bribery to keep you around.

2. Vehicles with a lift aka “Jacked Up Trucks”

Being from the South, I unfortunately witness this display of small penisry on a daily basis. Other than the fact that men who drive jacked up trucks are more than likely huge douche bags who still believe women belong in the kitchen, they are definitely suffering from small penis syndrome. This category of men is probably suffering the most, actually. As I like to say, “the bigger the lift, the smaller the dick.” A man’s penis also grows smaller with every inch of camouflage that lines his interior and/or ignorant stickers that refer to the truck they are stuck on. These men usually exert their frustrations with their small penis by revving their engine for no reason. A man with a small penis lets his vehicle serve as his penis. If you need further explanation regarding this topic you can refer to any country song, ever.

3. Unwarranted rage and/or jealousy

Is he jealous when it comes to other men? Or your friends? Or your family? Or your pet? Seriously, I have witnessed my friends’ boyfriends get mad at them about spending time with their family and friends when, apparently, they should have been fondling his tiny dick. Unexplained jealousy and rage are a telltale signs of a small penis, and you should avoid a man with this behavior at all cost. Being the man attached to a small penis is an insecure role; he probably imagines your need for a real penis, and gets very self-conscious in thinking that you’re always out trying to find one. 24/7. Unless you’re at home, with him, or in his truck or Ferrari.

4. Men who are obsessed with their appearance

Men who spend more time grooming themselves than you need to be tattooed with “small penis.” Seriously, if a guy is trying really hard to amp up his game in the looks department, it usually means that you’ll be disappointed when you search for an erection but find a troll of a penis. Signs of this symptom include: tanning, hair gel; tedious/ridiculous gym schedule; any type of silk garment; tight, flared jeans (really any clothing that can be described as “too tight”); and shaving his arms/legs/back in an attempt to resemble a seal. I’m all for manscaping, but unless you’re Michael Phelps and need to eliminate hair in order to gain those extra seconds to glide through the water, you should have arm/leg hair. The inverse of this is refusing to perform any type of grooming because their excessive man hair is the only thing that keeps them feeling adequate. Gross amounts of hair do not make me feel impressed by your manhood; rather, I feel like I’m spooning a bear.

5. Refusing to relate to anything feminine

Men who refuse to relate to anything feminine are probably doing so because their micropenis leaves them feeling like less of a man than it should. Being overly grossed out by periods, denouncing chick flicks, claiming that females cannot be funny, and refusing to do “womanly” activities are a few side effects of this symptom. Your man isn’t a “manly man” just because he hates chick flicks; in fact, he’s probably less of a man than the boyfriend that readily admits to enjoying things that his significant other enjoys (and having sex with them with a real penis.) Nothing solidifies a man’s comfort in his own skin like partaking in anything, whether it’s “feminine” or not. Just because you help with household chores, enjoy watching Girls or even help decorate the house, doesn’t mean you’re any less of a man.

6. He’s dramatic

Men with small penises usually house lots of pent-up frustration (due to the fact that they have small penises), and get annoyed by any and everything. A man that has more drama than an episode of The OC can easily be diagnosed with small penis syndrome. If a man is constantly having drama with his friends, or bitching to you about the stresses of his everyday life (I know, babe, playing X-Box and going to class is super stressful…) then he is more than likely a victim of an undergrown penis. A stable man with a good penis doesn’t have to worry about the petty drama that life brings; after all, he has a great penis, damnit! (We all know that’s what the male psyche boils down to.)

7. Being a “player”

Some of the men who have the most sex suffer from small penis syndrome. These men try to spin the story in their favor and claim that they have so much sex because they’re game is undeniable; however, most of the time when men only have consecutive one night stands, it’s because the your partner was left unsatisfied by their teeny pene. Most of the “players” that I’ve hooked up with have the smallest penises, and the guys whom they usually mock tend to out-perform them 100% in the bedroom. Sorry, bro, that “freak” in the band has a way bigger penis than you, and deep down, you know this. So go ahead and tell the world that you’re infamous for never calling girls back or being with a different person every night, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter because… small penis.

8. Miscellaneous

There are some professions/miscellaneous things that require you to have a small penis. Here’s a brief list: owning a Mustang, being obsessed with your fraternity (TFM, BRO!), being mean to animals to assert your dominance, refusing to drink light beer or admit that anything but angus beef steak is your favorite food, thinking copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol will magically grow your penis, doing steroids (apparently this has a literal effect on the size of your penis), thinking (and telling people) that you could ever be Don Draper (or really any of the men on Mad Men), and finally, carrying a weapon at all times because if all else fails, your tiny penis is never going to protect you from harm.