If I were to be asked if I was a feminist my answer would be “yes”. Because why would anyone not be? Solely by definition, “an advocate for social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men”, if you’re not for feminism you’re for misogyny.

At the same time, I’m not very vocal, at least in social networking venues, about feminist issues. But as I get older (and maybe wiser?) I find myself more aware and increasingly more annoyed about sexism in media and my everyday interactions. Steve Harvey’s Ninety-Day Rule is the first to spark a need in me to talk about sexism openly, mostly because of how much praise for it I found on the internet, or an attitude of “yeah, that’s not right for me but I get it”.

Steve Harvey has always given me a creepy vibe. The way he delivers his sexual innuendos sprinkled throughout Family Fued are cringe worthy. And his generalization of women and their empty headed thought processes can get irritating pretty quickly. So I was surprised when I learned that he wrote a book called Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Not surprised at the title or content, but that he actually got it published, and it was a best seller.

The title in itself, that tells women to act like a lady (which Steve seems to define as pretty, naive and silent) but think like a man (which Steve clearly defines as sex obsessed and misogynistic), is offensive to all sexes. His most talked about chapter is about his Ninety-Day Rule, that women should wait 90 days before having sex with a man they’re dating. In it Harvey asks, “if Ford and the government won’t give a man benefits until he’s been on the job and proven himself, why, ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they’ve proven themselves worthy?”

Excuse me? Benefits? My body is not a prize for my husband that he earns by not treating me like shit. My body isn’t his at all, it’s mine, and he knows this. My decision to have sex with someone is not the only thing I have to offer and it’s not anymore important than a man’s decision to have sex. There are two ways to dehumanize someone, by reducing them to tired stereotypes and by putting them on a pedestal. Steve manages to do both in one book title.

Steve also says, in regards to our “cookie”, the word he uses for sex or vagina, I’m not really sure what he’s going for, “if he doesn’t care about you, it’s the same as everybody else’s. The moment we start feeling you, then guess what? That item now belongs to us, and we start treating it very very differently.” No, Steve, that man does not own my body, no matter how long I made him wait or how long we’ve been together.

Listen, if I sleep with a guy on the first date, my “cookie” (gag) probably isn’t going to be special to him, and his “rolling pin” (that’s my euphemism, I think it works better) most likely won’t be special to me. And that’s okay. But if we then start a relationship and it continues for 90 days, maybe by that time it will be special and that’s how we’ll know that our relationship is special. If I sleep with a man on the first date and he immediately starts treating me “very very differently” then guess what? Peace out. That just saved me 3 months of BS.

I don’t doubt there are scenarios where a man would need this rule to prove they won’t “hit it and quit it”. But those men are not men who I would want to share my intimacies with for 3 months. Intimacies being my dreams, fears and secrets, not my cookie. Because it’s incredibly naive to think there aren’t men out there who will wait the mandatory 90 days and then start taking you for granted and treating you like garbage or even leaving.

You are not a benefit that a man needs to work towards. A man should be a decent human being and treat you the right way from the beginning. A man who is only treating you right because he’s working towards a goal is not a man that will continue to treat you well after he collects his benefits. Casual sex is fine, it’s better than fine, it’s fun and healthy. Casual sex can evolve into something deeper and more intimate that comes when you trust a person. Maybe waiting 90 days will build that mutual trust and the first time will be amazing and meaningful. Maybe waiting 7 days will accomplish the same thing. Maybe you’ll never get there, but there’s nothing wrong with having fun while you’re both figuring it out and whatever time length you feel is best for you…is best for you.

You don’t need a man, or anyone, to dictate how long you have to wait to have sex. Because the good news is, most men don’t have the same sexist, antiquated views on women as Steve Harvey.