Cabinet continued to face turmoil after the nation’s top auditor said Tuesday that a recent review of the government’s finances “just doesn’t add up.”

“It’s like the damned stock markets in these books,” the auditor concluded.

The audit report levels heavy accusations against current and former governments about the use of public funds for “marketing,” champagne-fueled barnburners, and “disproportionate amounts of smokes and mirrors.”

“It’s like how they put the bubbles in champagne,” the auditor wrote, “—nobody knows! And they’ll kill ya’ for even asking.”

With the spectre of the election looming, the auditor’s report couldn’t come at a worse time for the prime minister, who has faced harsh criticisms since several provincial union bosses have accused the cabinet of stonewalling their efforts to whistleblow on “a whole mess of funny business — not even really that funny. More sad than anything.”

“Plebs before Quebs”

On Tuesday, the federal finance minister faced jeers from all parties as he shouted “blow this whistle, would ya?” clapping the table with his left hand, and daring the prime minister to ask the governor general where the money went.

The minister later clarified, “plebs before Quebs.”

“I’m through with these Ottawa chuckle-horses,” the auditor muttered from the gallery. “I’m headed back to the island.”

Art Hudson is the Weststar’s chief eastern columnist, and acting director of western outreach at the Weststar East.