WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in their time, but we’re now in danger of completely exhausting the capacity of the English language to describe cheese-based products,” said Kraft marketing head Anna Chavez, one of many executives who believe the industry has reached the ceiling on cheese-based adjectives. “If a play on words involving any milk-solids-based foods can be made, we’ve made it: variety-based, danger-oriented variants like Mozzrageous and Swissdemeanor, sexually themed terms like Cheesegasmic and Pepperjackulation, even fatalistic long-form experiments like No Whey Out and Cheddar Off Dead. Frankly we’re out of ideas.” Several dairy snack insiders warned that unless a breakthrough is reached soon, the industry may be faced with the horror of returning to merely descriptive terms such as “extra cheesy.”

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