Q

Beyond the monogamy aspect, obviously, are CNM and monogamous relationships substantially different in terms of benefits and expectations?

A

Dr. Moors, Dr. Jes Matsick, and I published a paper this last year where we asked 175 people in CNM relationships about the benefits of consensual nonmonogamy. We then compared their responses with a separate study of people in monogamous relationships who were asked about the benefits of monogamy. We identified six benefits shared by both groups, two benefits unique to monogamy, as well as four benefits unique to consensual nonmonogamy.

Both populations enjoy having family or community benefits, a sense of enhanced trust, enhanced sexual life, enhanced love, enhanced communication, and enhanced commitment.

But what people talked about within these shared benefits was different for CNM and monogamous people. As an example, within family or community benefits, monogamous people talked about a traditional family environment, while CNM people talked about having a larger, chosen family network. Both groups spoke of the financial benefits to the family by having more than one income and multiple people to share responsibilities.

In terms of trust, people in monogamous relationships talked about building trust by being faithful and experiencing less jealousy. People in nonmonogamous relationships talked about building trust by being able to be fully honest and open about a wider range of their internal experiences.

In terms of sexual benefits, people in monogamous relationships talked about experiencing comfort and consistency and not having to worry about STIs. Nonmonogamous people talked about the benefits of increased variety of sex and experimentation, and they felt they were having better and more frequent sex than when they were monogamous.

Love is another big category. People in monogamous relationships talked about “true love” and experiencing a sense of passion from being dedicated to one person. Nonmonogamous people spoke of being able to love multiple people, experiencing greater amounts and depth of love, as well as less pressure about choosing whom to love.

People in monogamous relationships mentioned experiencing a sense of depth and respect in their communication where people in nonmonogamous relationships talked about open and honest communication, having more opinions, and how nonmonogamy enhanced their communication skills.

In terms of commitment, monogamists talked about the emotional security, dependability, and ease that come with monogamy. With nonmonogamy, people talked about having more emotional support, enhanced security and stability from having multiple partners because they not putting all their eggs in one basket—they can depend on multiple people.

Our study points out how most benefits are shared, but there are unique aspects of monogamy and CNM. I think of it as being similar to being a dog or a cat person. Dog and cat owners may experience similar benefits and comforts from being a pet owner but are likely to tell you that there are distinct perks to different animals. They may even want to debate about why one is better than the other. I’m not convinced of the utility of this debate; some people simply prefer dogs, others prefer cats, and others prefer dogs, cats, and rats. We can apply this logic to people’s relationship choices—all relationship structures afford similar benefits to a certain extent, with unique benefits determined by a person’s specific preferences. To suggest one is universally better than the other seems futile.