With Caterham and Marussia out of this weekend’s US Grand Prix, Formula 1 bosses have come up with a radical plan to fill the vacant grid spots using shit teams from the past.

First to enter the competitive tendering process is Andrea Moda who say they can ‘definitely be not ready’ by the weekend. As an added retro bonus, the team say they will bring along former driver Perry McCarthy and then not let him compete. ‘I used to be The Stig!’ he quipped.

Not to be outdone, Super Aguri have staked their claim to the back row, claiming to have some manky old Arrows chassis’ at the ready. ‘When was the deadline?’ asked a spokesman. ‘Yesterday? Oh Christ, not again.’

Also throwing their uselessly unaerodynamic hat into the ring is Mastercard Lola who insist their car should be competitive this time, as long as everyone else promises ‘not to drive too fast’, and Leyton House who have already asked for help from former technical director Adrian Newey on the understanding that they will then sack him.

Not to be outdone, Life has mounted an audacious bid to join the action on the basis that F1’s current engines are not working and what the sport needs is a heavy, underpowered lump that doesn’t deliver. ‘Sounds like an improvement,’ said a spokesman for Lotus.

Only two teams will be selected to take part in Austin, occupying positions 18 to 21 on the grid, just ahead of an inevitably penalised Pastor Maldonado.