September 29, 2013

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days after Friday’s momentous disclosure that the presidents of the United States and Iran had talked on the phone for the first time in decades, a giddy President Obama revealed to close friends today that he and his Iranian counterpart Hasan Rohani have begun texting.

“It’s really not a big deal, guys”, said a visibly blushing Obama as he fended off a proffered high-five from Vice President Joe Biden. “It doesn’t mean anything,” he added, trying in vain to hold back a presidential smile.

“Yeah, buddy!” whooped Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “Rohani wants the ‘O’!”

The revelation that Obama and Rohani exchanged multiple text messages over the weekend could mark the end of thirty years of tension between the United States and Iran, analysts say.

“Obviously, both men will need to work through a whole lot of emotional baggage before the relationship can blossom,” said one White House advisor, speaking off the record. “The time Iran held dozens of our civilians hostage for 444 days, the time we designed a computer virus to blow up their centrifuges, the time they bankrolled and trained a proxy army to kill our troops in Iraq,” he continued. “On the other hand, those two are so cute together when they issue simultaneous press releases.”

The United States and Iran last had relations in 1979.

Top aides say that Obama has appeared distracted in meetings all week. One lawmaker recalled chatting with Obama on Capitol Hill about the debt ceiling deadline when, all of a sudden, the President jerked his hand to his pocket and felt his phone.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” said the 52-year-old Commander-in-Chief, face drooping in disappointment. “Thought I felt it vibrate.”

Not all sides are pleased with the intensifying relationship between the two world leaders. Sources say that Obama received an anxious message late last night from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who is reported to be jealous of Obama’s increasing fondness for Rohani.

“Why don’t you call me Bibi anymore??” wrote Netanyahu, according to leaked transcripts obtained by the Tiger.

Director of National Intelligence John Brennan told reporters that on Thursday, in the middle of a National Security Council briefing, Brennan looked to the President to ask about authorizing a drone strike only to find Obama staring intently at his cell phone, grinning.

“Uhhh, Mr. President?” Brennan reportedly asked.

“Give me a second, John,” said Obama, without taking his gaze away from the text message. “Can you think of a witty way to say ‘undisclosed uranium enrichment facility?’ Shit, he’s going to think I’m such an idiot.”

Even though Obama will need to win the approval of Iran’s overprotective patriarch, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, before he can pursue a relationship with Rohani, the White House remains optimistic.

“I look forward to engaging with President Rohani in a civil, constructive dialogue,” said Obama, adding that, if things go well at next week’s trade conference, the pair might even end up hooking up on his futon.

– JMC ’16.