Hoooooboy! [stretches arms exaggeratedly over head, yawns an uncomfortable length of time]. Texas Football and, more importantly, the Texas Pregamer are back! This is the 7th season (that’s like 49 in blog years) of this esteemed internet publication. We started with the Tech game back in 2012 and Texas has gone a perfectly balanced 34-34 since.

Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

It’s been a truly Homeric epic - you have the Errrbodys and the 5-7s. You experienced the “Texas is back, Folks!” and you have read the “Texas is back, lol”s. We’ve witnessed Mack Brown challenging for a Big 12 title and 3 coaches in 5 seasons. Steve “Jetski” Patterson, Chris del Conte and the affable alumnus inbetween (a Spike Lee joint). The past 6 years may not have been fun, but they were never boring. Up and down. Balanced.

As any Ebony Maw will tell you, it is a mistake to try and break the shackles of our balanced overlord. Instead we must embrace it.

No major O-line injuries to start the season?

All of the linebacker injuries.

Finally name a starting quarterback?

A story surfaces of your coach at a strip club 4 years ago even though it’s essentially irrelevant to the actual substantive conversation going on.

Tre Watson pulls off a Mission Impossible facemask reveal and is really Ramonce Taylor in his prime?

Herb Hand develops a debilitating Candy Crush addiction.

Beat USC in week 3?

Vince Young accidentally tweets a list of all his twitter burner accounts.

UGA is absorbed by UT and we get all their recruits?

The world realizes Bryan Carrington Byndom is one person.

Sam Elingher truck stick Red River game winner?

Nation agrees Franklin BBQ is just ‘pretty good.’

Caden Sterns Polamalu?

You have to publicly admit Beck sometimes makes good calls.

Conference realignment that makes everyone happy?

Hah, just kidding.

Michael Dickson NFL MVP?

Sure thing.

National Championship?

Everything...

No matter what roller coaster we ride this year, it all starts this week against Maryland @ What’s In YOUR Wallet FedEx Field. Awaiting the Horns is a Terps program with just enough disarray to distract from the fact that they hung 51 on us last year. The chain smoking ninja turtles are not a team to be overlooked, even if they are about to fire their Disc Jockey. So Longhorns, check your pee charts, hydrate up, and Hook ‘em.

Better Know A Roster

Brett Kulka (DL, Sr.) - Brett is majoring in geographical science, which is good, because I heard he is a Globalist Kulk.

Cherokee Glasgow (DL, Fr.) - you talk about a guy with a vendetta against the English...Part Braveheart and part ‘Last of the Mohicans’? Actually...hold on. Calling Ian Glenn’s agent.

Fa’Najae Gotay (ATH, Fr.) - You know why I love the internet? Because its 2 am and I deliriously Googled “Fibonacci Goatee” and there were results that came back!

Nick Underwood (LB, Jr. RS) - This guy seems like he has nuanced opinions on Huey Lewis and the news, lives for business card typography, and will die trying to get a reservation at Dorsia.

Fofie Bazzie (DB, Fr. RS) - no but seriously, tell me he doesn’t have a feature credit on a Tinie Tempah or Dizzee Rascall UK Grime track?

Tyler Baylor (DL, Fr.) - A Baylor at Maryland? Guy sure knows how to pick a school with primo culture.

Jayden Comma (WR, Fr. RS) - a new AP style suggestion, like a drunk ellipsis after Will Smith’s son says something mad ridiculous. Like yesterday, for instance, when he said his style icons were “Tyler the Creator, Batman, and Poseidon,,,” — Jayden comma.

Max Bortenschlager (QB, Jr.) - Much like Maryland’s QBs last year, the first few go down easy, but when it gets to a shot of Bortenschlager, the rest is basically black out.

Mike Shinsky (K, Jr.) - I surmise: your last name clearly tells where you kick from. Michigan State’s Jake Hartberger...kicks from the ‘Hart’. And while this Mike ‘Shins’ it, our beloved Mike...well he plays for the Seahawks now.

RaVon Davis (DB, Sr.) - Quoth the RaVon. NeVer more.

Ty Johnson - The worst part about Johnson’s 132 and a TD on 12 carries last year? Apparently he did it all while not being able to see out of his eyes like cartoon Sam Sheepdog.

Weather Forecast:

High of 84, low of 72, and 100% chance of Tom Herman making it rain

Predictions

Kyle Carpenter: [scene pans out from a blood-stained endzone] It’s some of our most lovable cops, Natural Police. Officers Freamon, Bunk, and McNulty are examining a gruesome scene at FedEx Field.

Jimmy: “This is some messed up stuff. These sick mother ****ers actually covered these poor schmuks in Old Bay!”

Bunk: “F***. Moooothaf***, Jimmy.”

Cool Lester Smooth: “Crabcakes and football...I guess that what TEXAS does!”

UT by 5 scores.

VY Pump Fake: Ohio State will release Tom Herman’s 2013 parking tickets and I will finally find the hidden 3D image in the flag of Maryland.

Parting Shot

Oh, you got 6’3, 305 dudes doing backflips?

Pshh, our big boys got moves too: