Now That’s What I Call A Song

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #102,554 in Music

You really got to hand it to the Now! brand on this one. Having already established that their fan base loves “music,” they went for a deep dive on that crucial sub-particle — the “song.” Surely this was an irresistible impulse buy for many consumers. “Ooh, a compilation of ‘songs’? Say no more! Seriously, please don’t give me any more information about what is on this CD.” Now That’s What I Call A Brilliant Marketing Strategy!

Now That’s What I Call A Singer

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #105,582 in Music

Jesus Christ.

Now That’s What I Call Country Christmas

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,156 in Music

For that special person in your life with a “Keep Christ in Christmas” bumper sticker.

In this compilation, the two most despised musical genres team up like The Joker and Catwoman trying to take down Gotham City. Country and Christmas music are obviously both very popular and this album sells about 100x better than the others listed. But, for a large segment of the population, this CD constitutes a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Now That’s What I Call Movies

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #101,478 in Music

A little off-brand considering that literally the only consistency I’ve come to expect from the Now! series is music. It consists of songs from movie soundtracks, which is a fine idea, but the title begs the question: Is this what the Now! staff actually calls movies? When they listen to this CD, do they think they are watching a movie?

You can almost picture the poor, misguided people at Now! getting together to watch a Harry Potter movie and telling one another, “Now This Is What I Call Reading!”

Now That’s What I Call Relaxing Classical

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #395,081 in Music

Now That’s What I Call The Waiting Room At The Dentist!

Now That’s What I Call Soundcheck

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #415,197 in Music

Finally, a CD devoted to everyone’s favorite part of a concert: the sound check. For decades now, the recording industry has stubbornly fixated on capturing the experience of hearing musicians playing songs on instruments. But what about grungy, disgruntled roadies testing out the kick drum for 20 minutes? What about when the nerdy tech guy with a neckbeard puts his mouth directly onto the microphone and calls out, “Check check…check CHECK!”

Even I couldn’t believe Now! had devoted an entire album to their favorite sound checks. Amazon lists the album as featuring “the biggest hits performed in-studio exclusively for Soundcheck.” So I guess Soundcheck is also a program or recording company or something? Unfortunately, to 99% of music fans, it’s synonymous with the worst part of live music. Now That’s What I Call An Album Title!

Now That’s What I Call Shrek

Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #58,429 in Music

The absolute pinnacle of Now! spin-offs. Now That’s What I Call Shrek is exactly what it sounds like — a collection of songs that have, at one time or another, been called “Shrek.” You’ve got your Smash Mouth. You’ve got your Antonio Banderas singing “These Boots Were Made for Walkin’.” You’ve got your Eddie Murphy covering “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”

It’s the perfect soundtrack to your wife leaving you. I’ll let the Amazon user reviews speak for themselves:

“THIS CD CHANGED MY LIFE, IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE LAYERS I HAVEN’T CRIED THIS MUCH SINCE I PEELED BACK 40 ONIONS OR THE FIRST 20 TIMES I WATCHED SHREK 10/10 ALBUM OF THE YEAR THIS IS OGRE THE TOP”

Radical Larry (*****)

“Upon buying this CD, my life was changed forever. I feel as though I have gazed into the eyes of God, and he stares deeply back at me. I couldn’t help but to shed a tear when I discovered that this was on sale. Suddenly, the glorious Shrek busted into my room and wiped my tears away. He gently leaned towards my ear, and with a soft voice, whispered “It’s all ogre now”. I felt an immediate sense of relief wash over me, only to discover that Shrek had forced himself on me, screaming to the mountain tops for his moment of glory. All I could do was applaud and smile as he finished. He ended and screamed at the top of his lungs “YOU SHOULD’VE CHECKED YOURSELF BEFORE YOU SHREK’D YOURSELF!” He gracefully lept out of my window as a said “Goodnight, my sweet prince.” This was totally worth the buy. My #1 album”