A Bad Case of Crabs

by Beau Dashington



Editor’s Note (Admiral Fartmore): Wow, sounds like these crabs really were huge.

Lets get one or two things clear right from the get-go. This book is called Night of the Crabs, but it doesn’t take place at night. I couldn’t believe it, okay? A better title is Several Days of Crabs. Come on, idiot! Name your book right. Secondly, I don’t want any jokes about pubic lice (aka “crabs”), okay? Its just not going to happen. Lets keep this presidential.

This book is about crabs and first of all, these crabs – and let me tell you we knew this from the beginning – they are bad guys. We don’t like them. They are probably responsible for 9/11 because they helped plan it with Obama, who literally founded ISIS. But we knew this, and we said that these crabs are terrible, just terrible. They are bad for America, bad for seafood, and overall TERRIBLE and NOT NICE.

This book is set in Wales – and firstly, why are these people naming their shithole country after a fish? Name your country something strong and proud like God Bless America, don’t name your country something stupid like Whales or France. So there’s some people and they’re at the beach, and one of them is a botanist – have you heard of these guys? They study plants which is boring, and do I look like the kind of guy who cares about plants? Anyway, this botanist professor guy meets some young broad in a bar. The book says she is a redhead with a tight sweater, which I think is some faggy British way of saying she’s got nice tits. This book has no pictures – can you believe that? I got my people to google “British botanist” and “redhead with nice sweater” and this is what they found so I guess these two are the main characters.

These two are supposed to fight the crabs? I mean come on. Great tits though.

And believe me – nobody likes nice tits more than I do, you understand? I am all over those puppies and you should see – they told me I shouldn’t say this – you should see some of the women I’ve been with and their tits. I mean believe me, we are talking about amazing, amazing women. Anyway, they told me I shouldn’t say this, but the Botanist and the redhead get the hots for each other and they go back to the hotel room and start grabbing each others’ pussies like nasty crabs.

But anyway, suddenly these people are fishing and get attacked by crabs. These crabs are huge let me tell you. I mean, believe me, these crabs are the size of a sheep or a cow, depending on what part of the book you believe. They snip people’s arms and legs off – and that’s a part I like, these idiots just sink to the bottom of the ocean. So the British Govermnent sends in the army and these guys – I mean let me tell you these guys are awful – and they call themselves the Royal Shropshire Light Infantry instead of something cool like USA Marines. Their puny guns are worthless against the yuge crabs, the bullets just bounce right off. And one of these is the bigliest crab and he is called King Crab, and this guy is a bad hombre.

But these crappy British guns are no good, and King Crab is a smart guy – he’s like the Chinese who are very smart, and very good at giving bad deals to people who aren’t smart. So I’m like; lets be smart, okay? But these British guys and their crappy tanks can’t hurt King Crab and the crabs snip some more people. But the point is that the Chinese are great negotiators.

Someone told me “She is in charge of the Chinese”, but she sure ain’t pretty. I prefer that redhead tits girl. These Chinese guys are worse than the crabs.

So anyway, these army guys are fighting the crabs, and the crabs are just defending themselves, and there are people rushing to fight on many, many sides. The botanist remembers that he kills weeds with his weed poison, and he jumps in a hellychopter and they dump some poison on the crabs and they go back in to the sea. And that’s it and the book ends, okay?

The professor and the nice tits girl have sex again on a hill, and it says they were giving it to each other so good that “Nothing else mattered… not even the giant crabs!”

My only question is which one of them caught the giant crabs in the first place.

Beau Dashington

May 07, 2018