“Why wouldn’t a boy rape a girl?” my 16 year old son asked hypothetically while shooting hoops in the yard two days ago.

He continued his thoughts with some prompting, “not me of course, but when you think about it. I mean it’s so hard to prove. It’s almost impossible. Like you have to prove that a man, the guy that did it, didn’t think something at just one point in time. How can a girl prove that a guy didn’t think he had consent? How can you do that? I mean seriously. It’s bull.”

It’s simplistic obviously but at its heart sits the terrible truth about our current system of dealing with rape in this country and elsewhere.

This is what the situation looks like in Australia:

Most victims of rape are aged between 15 and 24. Most are female. They are raped by men they know, either in their own home or the home of the rapist and generally they do not have obvious signs of physical trauma. They are raped in private without witnesses. Most know they’ve been raped and they are aware that it will be almost impossible to prove it. Most will mourn. Most will suffer depression and rage and self-loathing. Most will lose respect for themselves, for men and the community that allows this to happen. Nearly all will feel unsafe and very often powerless.

But, and here’s the important bit, most won’t report it. How many is nearly impossible to say but it’s estimated only 1 in 6 instances of rape are reported to police.

A victim knows that if she wants the man who raped her punished in any way, she has to make statements. She has to hope that the police will support her and get her case to the Depart of Public Prosecutions. Then she has to hope that someone there thinks there’s a reasonable chance of getting a jury to convict this perpetrator. Then she has to hope that the jury will overlook the fact that she knew the attacker. That she may have even been seen kissing the attacker. She may have even had consensual sex with the attacker some time before. And God help her if she’d had even one drink.

My son told me he wants to be a human rights lawyer when he grows up. I asked him why. He simply answered “Fairness.” This is what he and his friends had been discussing with regard to rape. Basic fairness. His group, some of whom are very passionate feminists (they’re starting a publication called “Grow a Vag”) are trying to make sense of the consent laws in this country. They are trying to figure out a way to make things fairer for women and girls who get raped in Australia. They are certainly not alone there.

I asked my son what he thought the answer was. He said he didn’t know but we agreed that the fact that these people know each other should be a helpful thing. That maybe if these boys and men had to have a conversation with their victim, her family and her friends that’d be a start. If he had to face his parents and explain his behaviour and hear what he’d done. Maybe with a policeman or police woman there too. Maybe remove the threat of jail for first offenders. Not for everyone. And not in every case but at least it would be something. It might be a better deterrent.

We agreed that things had to change. That basic safety is a human right and we agreed that getting the balance right has not been achieved. Rape is unlike other crimes. Perhaps its time to change the way it’s dealt with.

The fact that my son and his friends care so much fills me with hope that something can be done. His question took me by surprise but perhaps his generation can make the changes that will also take us by surprise.

If you or someone you know is a victim of rape or sexual assault contact 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732 or visit Safe Australia.