Before I say anything about America's healthcare reform boondoggle, I'd like you to behold my brilliant plan to end hunger once and for all (and then, after you behold it, go and kick yourself for not thinking of it first).

Providing food to those without is simple, really: we'll just pass a strict law requiring all hungry people to buy some, and if they don't, fine them harshly enough to persuade even the most recalcitrant ones it's in their best interest to eat something once in a while. Now change "food" to "health insurance," and behold: you have what Congress and President Obama want to inflict upon hapless constituents like me.

Forget health insurance – what sick or struggling Americans need is healthcare. They're not the same thing. You know that oft-quoted statistic that more than 60% of American bankruptcies are caused by medical costs? More than half those made medically bankrupt had health insurance before they ever fell ill. The problem with American health insurance is that the second you come down with anything more expensive than a head cold, your insurer will squirm through any loophole it can find to deny paying for your coverage.

And my government wants to reward these companies with a captive customer base, via purchase mandates enforced by our draconian legal system. This is where my British friends say: "That's why you need a single-payer government program like our NHS! You don't want corporate accountants deciding your medical treatment, let government accountants do that instead." This didn't work too well for Oregon resident Chrissy Steltz, subject of a recent feel-good news story about doctors and charities who devoted time and money to rebuild her face after a blast from a drunk-wielded shotgun literally blew it off ten years ago. So much scar tissue clogged her nasal passages that she couldn't even breathe through them until her surgery last month. But her insurance provider – the state-run Oregon Health Plan – refused to fund reconstructive surgery on the grounds it was merely "cosmetic."

I do not want my healthcare decisions made by bureaucrats who think that having a face with a nose you can breathe with is no health issue but a mere matter of vanity. My current healthcare plan is called "Don't get sick unless you can treat it with over-the-counter medicine." This system has worked so far, and I even have a backup plan in case I catch something too severe for treatment by a pharmacist: a few thousand dollars stashed away in case I need to become a "medical tourist" to India or Thailand, buying treatments I can't afford back home. And if that doesn't work, I'll try placing personal ads in various European newspapers: "Red-haired American seeks British, French or Scandinavian national for matrimony and medicine. Please don't tell my boyfriend."