Years of public messaging about gender diversity is working. We’re becoming more accepting of difference and that’s a precious thing to witness this Christmas

Just before Christmas last year, an adolescent girl in our extended family announced, calmly and without drama, that she was transitioning. Though initially stunned, we realised that we had failed to read subtle and not-so-subtle signs: the legendary tantrums when she was an infant and refused to wear dresses to parties, the rejection of dolls, the enthusiasm for joining the soccer team at school. All explained at the time as a tomboy phase that she might eventually grow out of. We speculated that she might be gay and assumed things would become clearer as she reached sexual maturity.

But when, one day in her mid-teens, Helena* watched an episode of ABC’s Australian Story about a young woman who felt trapped in the wrong body and began the process of transitioning, she turned to her mother and said calmly: “That’s me.”

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And so began a period of adjustment that was not without hiccups, conflict and pain, as she struggled with a father and grandmother from another culture who simply could not understand or accept her decision. On the other hand, her younger brother took the news with equanimity, saying something that was more profound than he perhaps realised: “Yeah,” he sighed with mock resignation, “but you’ll still be you.”

Throughout it all, Helena remained unwavering in her resolve. She told teachers and friends at her not-cool, not inner-city Catholic public school, all of whom, without exception, treated her with respect and understanding. There was not a single episode of bullying or teasing from her peers.

On the contrary, when it became clear that Helena’s decision meant she would attend a mixed school the following year, her girlfriends clubbed together to buy her an inspired farewell gift expressing their support: a collection of men’s clothes to kick off her new wardrobe.

I got teary when I heard what they had done, trying to imagine myself and my peers faced with a similar situation. Would we have had the sophistication and grace to be as sensitive and non-judgmental? I doubt it. Suddenly, I could see first-hand how years and years of public messaging about gender diversity are paying off. We are undeniably more tolerant of difference, even if acceptance is slow and inconsistent. When I spoke to friends’ kids about Helena’s decision, many of them shrugged; they all knew someone on a similar course, they all considered gender to be fluid or a non-issue.

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At about this time, Helena started to see a counsellor about the transitioning process. Legally she was still too young to undertake surgery and hormone therapy without parental consent, unless she wanted to go to court. She preferred to wait. In the meantime, she announced that once the transition was under way she would go by the name of Sam*. We filed that information away for later, when things had progressed a bit further. There was still plenty of time to adjust.

But at Christmas lunch, there was a moment of confusion as we passed plates. Some of us were not quite up to speed on how rapidly things had progressed or were uncertain of how to navigate this unfamiliar terrain. In a moment of habit, I asked Helena to pass me the cold salmon, before noticing that others were now asking Sam to pass the potato salad. Unfazed, she obliged us all with good humour.



That easy collision, handled by her without reproach, demonstrated how unconditional love pays off. It is a rare and precious thing to witness. No gift under the tree that day, in the exchange and frenzied tearing of paper and effusions of gratitude, could match it.

Although not religious in any way, the people at that festive gathering seemed to embody what I think is meant by the Christmas spirit. As everyone ate and talked and played games, snoozed, fussed over the new baby and a puppy, tossed a frisbee or read in the hammock in a suburban backyard, we were a disparate group but we were united by a shared belief of live and let live.

Once the new year began, Helena was keen to make a symbolic gesture towards her new male identity as quickly as possible. Since she could not yet access operations to remove her breasts and build a penis; she opted for a kinder cut – a new, unmistakably masculine, short hairstyle delivered an instant, radical transformation.



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In the place of a self-conscious young woman stood a beaming, young man, happy to have his picture taken and shared with family and friends on Facebook. He was out and he was proud. Soon his girlish voice would deepen, thanks to hormone therapy: another milestone on the road to refashioning his identity.



When Sam started at his new school, both teachers and students were aware that he was transitioning. He decided to join a band made up of two girls and one guy. Introduced to them, he was welcomed warmly by the bloke who said enthusiastically, “It’ll be great to have another guy in the band.” It came out naturally, unprompted by political correctness. Sam related the moment with wide-eyed delight.

This year it’s our turn to host Christmas. The same faces will gather around the table but so much will have changed. I can’t wait to ask Sam to pass the potato salad.

* Names have been changed