AUSTIN, TX—As he cast about in vain for potential topics of conversation, local bridegroom Adam Hartwell reportedly panicked Monday, having completely run out of things to talk about five minutes into his marriage. “After the ceremony, I talked about some of our mutual friends and mentioned a couple details from my childhood, but at this point I’m drawing a total blank,” said Hartwell, who during the wedding dinner took multiple trips to the bathroom in an effort to break up the awkward silences he shared with his new wife, Lisa. “I already covered my feelings for her in the vows, so there wasn’t much to add there. Then I complimented her on her dress and talked about how perfect the weather has been, but all together that took up less than a minute. At least once the dinner’s over I can have a few drinks and hang out with my buddies at the reception.” At press time, sources confirmed the newlyweds had returned to the bridal suite at their hotel, where they were said to be watching television in two separate rooms.

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