America’s Democratic candidates for president have been going head-to-head (more like herd-to-herd) recently in debates and public appearances. Their main focuses appear to be ensuring trans females have access to abortion (Julian Castro), securing the healthcare rights of illegal immigrants (everyone), saying the acronym LGBT as many times as humanly possible (everyone), and generally talking about what a virtuous, open-minded and wonderful person one is at all opportunities. “I don’t even see the traditional concept of color, in fact most of my friends are literally the colors of a rainbow from head to toe,” would not be out of place at a Democratic debate and would invariably be said by a lily-white male graduate of Princeton who majored in gender studies.

Perhaps tired out from attending too many Pride parades sponsored by Raytheon weapons company, people like Corey Booker and “Beto” O’Rourke attempted Spanish in a bizarre one-upmanship that brought new meaning to the word cringe. Look for it to continue on the campaign trail as candidates fine-tune their Spanish language and look to battle against the boss Pete Buttigieg, who knows Norwegian and apparently every other language. The candidates also enjoy dousing all speeches with words like “values,” “democracy” and following any word with justice (see: social justice, economic justice, reproductive justice, climate justice, racial justice).

The Democrats also love to talk about judicial reform, especially when they’ve helped put a lot of petty offenders in jail like Kamala Harris, because as Jeffrey Epstein’s friend Bill Clinton wrote in “When Hope and Hypocrisy Rhyme” – oops “When Hope and History Rhyme” – we’re always better off looking forward to a brighter future (unless we’re a sex-trafficked 15-year-old girl locked in one of Epstein’s penthouses).

You’d think that the Republicans would have some pretty snazzy comebacks to all the hullaballoo, but most are trying to make moral bankruptcy into the new national religion. While hitting the replay button about how they are working to improve the lives of workers and families they’re busy lavishing the feet of the free market in sweet-smelling oil for the Saudi-backed Institute of Banksturbation and saying prayers over drones shot down by Iran in the hope that one prayer with enough loud entreaties will finally spark World War Three. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, as they say.

The only comeback that the Republican party seems to have to the excesses of the Democrats is to say the words “Venezuela,” “socialism” and “anti-American” along with ranting on primetime with a smiling photo of Ilhan Omar in the background. Alternately, some Republicans are also now going apoplectic over the US women’s soccer team’s supposed attempt to destroy Judeo-Christian civilizationbecause of misunderstanding a well-known meme like Dr. Seb Gorka, former deputy assistant to Commander Cheeseburger himself, Donald Trump. We don’t understand simple jokes and memes, but we can save you from terrorists: Keep America Great.

What is to be done? Perhaps limiting the start of campaigning to within a year of the election would be a good first step in order to stop the escalating rates of mental illness in the United States. A second suggestion is for candidates to engage in epic rap battles or singing competitions as early-elimination procedures in order to narrow the field. Thirdly, and finally, perhaps the best way to save America from ultra-wokeness on the left and patriotic correctness on the right is to start broadcasting both “sides” on prime-time TV as comedy—without commentary⁠—instead of late-night shows or sitcoms. Add laugh tracks. Let the absurdity loose.

On second thought, isn’t that kind of how we ended up here in the first place?