Where sex and reproduction are concerned, men and women will never be equal.

Women will always bear the brunt of the responsibility for family planning and pregnancy, which is why the folks in Austin are back at it again this week, trying to help the little women in this endeavor by protecting their health with unnecessary regulations and restricting access to constitutionally protected medical options.

Still, I can't help but think the men of this state are worthy of some Texas-style reproductive protection as well. The Legislature's compelling interest in restricting the reproductive rights of Texans shouldn't stop at lady parts.

Gentlemen of Texas, it's with sincere concern for your health and safety - and a hat tip to legislation pioneered in Oklahoma, Georgia, Illinois, Virginia and Ohio - that I hereby propose the following pro-life omnibus bill to regulate your man parts.

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A BILL TO BE ENTITLED AN ACT relating to men's reproductive health and protection of potential personhood

BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS:

SECTION 1. (a) The findings indicate that:

(1) substantial medical evidence recognizes that prostate health and heart disease may be associated with erectile dysfunction.

(2) the state has a compelling state interest in protecting potential lives of Pre-Conceived future citizens, and also the health of men, thousands of whom regret vasectomies and later opt to reverse them.

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(3) unregulated vasectomies result in fewer unwanted pregnancies and, thus, thousands of fewer births per year of future taxpaying citizens of the state of Texas. They also result in fewer impoverished children and fewer inmates in the state prison system, a job-killing outcome that endangers the employment of social workers, prison guards and law enforcement officers.

(3) restricting elective vasectomies does not impose an undue burden or a substantial obstacle on a man's reproductive rights because (a) abstinence is an effective means of birth control, according to sex education curriculum approved by the Texas State Board of Education; and (b) similar regulations restricting the reproductive rights of women have been deemed acceptable policy by the state of Texas.

(4) all sperm is sacred, given its unique contribution to potential personhood, and thus, should not be left subject to the unregulated whim of chemically induced arousal. This Act amends the Health and Safety Code by establishing Chapter 1004, to be entitled Men's Reproductive Health, as follows:

SUBCHAPTER A: Vasectomy restrictions and informed consent

Remember the notary

Sec. 1004.001 - Not fewer than 24 hours or more than 72 hours before the vasectomy is performed, a physician whose office is located not farther than 7.3 miles from the male patient's home (in case of emergency), shall: (a) instruct the man to provide a sample that can be used for semen analysis (b) present enlarged images of the sperm to the patient and, in a manner understandable to a layperson, give a verbal explanation of the number, unique characteristics and life-giving qualities of the sperm (c) provide a state-approved pamphlet which may or may not include medically accurate information explaining complications associated with the vasectomy procedure, difficulty of reversal, psychological trauma of abdicating pro-creative duties and the potential of an unfounded link to ear cancer

Sec. 1004.002 - If a patient chooses to go forward with the procedure, the physician must (a) obtain approval from the man's wife or sexual partner in the form of notarized affidavit (b) ensure that the procedure takes place at an ambulatory surgical center, not in the comfort of the physician's private office (c) attempt one more time to talk the man out of it

Sec. 1004.003 - No exceptions to the provisions in this subchapter shall be made on the basis of the man's age, number of children, economic situation or danger to his partner in the event a child is conceived

SUBCHAPTER B: Regulation of erectile dysfunction medications

Red state, blue pill

Sec. 1004.004 - Not less than 72 hours before Viagra or any other erectile dysfunction medication is prescribed, a physician whose office is located not farther than 5.2 miles from the male patient's pharmacy shall (a) inform the male patient about the health risks associated with erectile dysfunction (b) perform a live, real-time examination of the patient's prostate, otherwise known as a rectal exam (c) schedule a second appointment for a separate, cardiac stress test (d) provide a verbal explanation of the side effects of the medication accompanied by a graphic video, which may or may not be medically accurate, depicting symptoms such as long-lasting, painful erections, sudden hearing loss, upset stomach, blurred vision and bad breath (e) provide a referral to a state-licensed sex therapist, who must approve any medication prescribed by the physician (f) notify patient of alternatives to medication, including celibacy and natural remedies

Sec. 1004.005 - VIOLATION (a) physician who performs any procedure or prescribes any medication in violation of this chapter engages in unprofessional conduct for which the physician's license shall be revoked under Chapter 164 Occupations code.

Section 2. This Act takes effect on the 91st day after the legislative session.

Section 3. God Bless Texas.