I watched the first episode of Hard Knocks and I’m not sure JJ Watt could get more stereotypical good ol boy American hero unless he could talk to eagles and was named Abe Manifest Destiny Washington. I watch him and I think about movie football players, you know the team captain from Friday Night Lights type inspirational characters who are just too perfect and have the sweet girlfriend before something goes wrong and the guy dies or something, only JJ Watt didn’t die he lived and now plays DE in Texas (dear god he really is the stereotype isn’t he?). I’m still not convinced he actually bleeds when his nose gets busted, it’s probably just pints of blood that don’t feel worthy of his body so it leaves in shame. He’s Chuck Norris jokes but football.

He’s so great he’s practically a cartoon character and I’m sort of waiting to see something bad come out that completely ruins his reputation. Maybe not Bill Cosby levels, but something bad just feels like it has to come out because nobody is that great a person. He does seem just a touch arrogant with the selfie thing, he lied about the cabin in the woods and when Mett needlessly zinged him again he used the ultimate macho bro douche line of “A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of a sheep”, which I always hated as a phrase because by using it you are effectively acknowledging the sheep’s opinions. If you truly don’t care, you don’t talk about it and you just don’t. That’s why I kind of love Jay Cutler.

But really these are tiny, tiny imperfections in the armor that is JJ Watt’s perfection. If he ever reads this he’ll probably give me a wink and a smile while saving orphans from a burning house during an earthquake.