John McCain: RIP in Peace

A man should be remembered for how he lived, and so, it is only fair that John McCain gets the full recognition he deserves after his passing away from brain cancer. Like a flakey-skinned, pox-marked rat with yellow-stained teeth tearing away at the corpse of its brethren, John McCain lived. Like a mangy desert vulture infested with mites feasting upon the carcass of lady liberty, John McCain lived. Like a venereal disease or a bloated tick latched onto the U.S. taxpayer’s ball sack, he lived. Like a flesh-eating virus or cannibalistic leper, he lived. And like a U.S. politician, he died without morals. I wish him a safe journey on his trip to hell. I would suspect that many of his friends are waiting there to welcome him.

Now to some, Johnny was a war hero. I understand that. After his imprisonment in Vietnam, how could he not be? Surely a man that experienced the full ravages of war would be against putting future generations through that same carnage.

As all Americans know, Johnny was one of America’s biggest advocates for peace. Johnny hated war, and would never want to “bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb” Iran. He would never want to lay waste to the formerly stable countries of Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, displacing thousands and paving the way for ISIS. Johnny would never want to invade Syria and start a third world war. He would never advocate for forceful regime change for North Korea, potentially leading to the decimation of the entire Korean Peninsula. And most importantly, he would never, ever accept political donations for the express purpose of war mongering.

Yes, when push came to shove, Johnny was the type of man to choose morals over money. Like that one time he ditched his bed-ridden wife to marry into a beer distribution fortune for political gain.

Now, politics isn’t easy, but Johnny sure made it look so. Where some human beings would agonize over making policy decisions that would impact the lives of millions, Johnny would need but look for his wallet. During Johnny’s speeches, I have never seen a man look so at peace with the monster within. I have never seen a man so unconcerned with the consequences of his actions (at least, after the 45th president). And though the brain cancer was only a recent affliction, there has always been something deeply wrong with his head. After all, this is the man who selected Sarah Palin as his running mate out of hundreds of potential candidates for the 2008 election.

As a former navy man, Johnny should be buried at sea. As a politician, he should be buried at the bottom of a reeking swamp pit. I propose a compromise: cast him out into the Atlantic heaped atop a floating pile of burning garbage. In older traditions, the dead were buried with the personal belongings that they felt most connected to in life. With this, I think that Johnny would feel very much at home.

John the politician is dead, but we are all better for it. My only regret is that the likes of Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham have yet to join him, but like Blackbeard after suffering twenty-something gun shots his person, some folks are just too mean to die.