(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

LAHORE – Warrior, analyst, self-fulfilling psychic and butt witness to violent caliphate, Zaid Zaman Hamid has filed a petition in the Lahore High Court, praying that the court initiate Article 6 proceedings against Zaid Zaman Hamid.

In a copy of the petition available with The Dependent, Hamid mentioned multiple television appearances made by Hamid between the years 2008 and 2017, in which the defendant is seeing promoting insufficient patriotism, imitating a fragile version of Che Guevara and airing grievances against The Great Leader © repeatedly, all the while vowing Ghazwa-e-Hind that was never waged.

In an initial hearing for the petition, Lahore High Court decided to put Zaid Hamid on Extreme Case List (ECL) with immediate orders.

When contacted by The Dependent, Zaid Hamid blamed the Illuminati’s influence on him for such a deplorable state of affairs. He announced that he will fight the charges against him tooth and nail and challenged the petitioner to a duel.

It must be noted that recently a spate of petitions against prominent anchors and media personnel has appeared accusing them of treasonous acts such as critical thinking and doing their actual jobs which, it must be reiterated, are crimes punishable by whipping and firing squads in Islamic Republic of New Pakistan.