The economy, for example, which was a complete disaster under Obama, has been terrific since I became president. Of course, I have always been a great job creator. My business career was such a tremendous success that I created thousands of jobs. And that’s just for bankruptcy lawyers.

Unfortunately the fake news media continue to attack me about this Russia thing, which is a total witch hunt and as ridiculous as low-IQ Mika Brzezinski taking a break from her botched plastic surgeries to accuse me of disrespecting women.

I do appreciate that, whenever I visit Russia, Putin greets me warmly. Like on my recent visit, when Putin called me as soon as I arrived and said, “Donald, welcome to our beautiful country. Russia is known for two things: vodka and prostitutes. Since you don’t drink I can guess which one of these you will be enjoying. Fortunately, our prostitutes are the absolute best in the world. They will do anything you like, Donald.”

“Anything?” I asked.

“Yes Donald, anything at all,” Putin said. “But be careful, and I tell you this as a friend. As we say in our new tourism ad campaign: ‘What happens in Moscow stays in Moscow. Unless your hotel room is bugged.’”

“Oh I’m not worried about that,” I told Putin. “Barack doesn’t even know I’m here.”

After I fired James Comey I figured this Russia witch hunt would finally end. So I got really angry watching that show-boat testify to Congress. Comey said many ridiculous things, like that I somehow ordered him to drop the investigation into Michael Flynn.

The fact is, “I hope you will let Flynn go” is not an order. It’s just an innocent, offhand expression of a passing thought, like “I hope it doesn’t rain,” or “I hope you two lovely ladies will come to my hotel room and pee on each other.”

I do recall that I had a very nice dinner with Comey. I told him we had “that thing,” and he knew exactly what I was talking about. Although I found it strange that he didn’t say anything or change his expression in any way, I figured he was probably just upset that he didn’t get a second scoop of ice cream like me.

As for Comey not wanting to be alone with me, my vice president Mike Pence thought that was all just a misunderstanding. Mike said to me, “So apparently Comey said to Jeff Sessions, ‘I don’t want to be alone with the president.’ Comey must not realize we still haven’t had a woman president.”

Around the time of Comey’s testimony I held a very successful Cabinet meeting. When the meeting started, all of my Cabinet members spoke, totally spontaneously and voluntarily, about how great I am. Afterwards some dishonest reporters claimed I had told my Cabinet members to say these things, which is ridiculous when all I told them was, “I hope you will say something nice about me tomorrow, if you like your job.”

To get my mind away from this ridiculous Russian witch hunt, I held a terrific campaign rally. I explained to my supporters at the rally that I love all people, from the poorly educated who make up my base to the rich people who make up my Cabinet. I told my son Eric we should even try to love non-people like my political opponents.

But these non-people do make it hard. Like that no-talent so-called actor Johnny Depp saying, “When was the last time an actor assassinated a president … maybe it’s time.”

I decided to tweet in response to Depp’s outrageous statement: “It is totally unacceptable to joke about killing people. Depp better hope I don’t see him on Fifth Avenue!”

Because I am such a loving person, I strongly support my wife Melania’s campaign against bullying and meanness in social media. Meanness has absolutely no place on Twitter and should be reserved for much less important things like health care legislation.

Of course, as much as I love poor people, I wouldn’t hire a poor person for economic advice. That would be as silly as asking a sick person for their opinion on health care.

Fortunately the Republicans knew better than that when we wrote the Senate health care bill. As a result, the Better Care Act is incredibly well-crafted, like a steak burned to perfection and smothered in ketchup. For strategic reasons, we had to keep the bill top-secret while it was being negotiated. The only people who knew what was in it were a few Senate leaders, me, and the Russians I told about it.

It will be great if we pass a repeal-and-replace bill, but if we don’t, that’s OK too. Either way, the Time magazine cover showing me signing the bill will hang on my wall.

What I find strange is that, after the bill was made public, the media claimed the bill would break my campaign promises, just because it would result in millions of Americans losing their health insurance. So I’ve been trying to explain that the Better Care Act will deliver exactly what I promised the American people.

What part of “universal health covfefe” is hard to understand?