Who’s getting fucked-up at Coachella this year? You are! I see you. Party with Molly and Mary Jane—that’s all well and good—but what if you want to get fucked-up like they did in the 1970s? You know, Cheech and Chong-style, with some panache and variety. Deliriants, exotic pharmaceuticals, barbiturates (are those still around?), uppers, psychedelics—all the good shit our parents consumed for fun back in the day. Mom and Dad went balls-out; you don’t even know the extent of it.

Go hard, or stay home—and if you do stay home, go hard on the couch while watching the video streams. That’s the attitude this year. This Coachella lineup has potential for an epic binge weekend, as all festivals do, but you have to know what you’re doing. Don’t just drop a capsule of MDMA, walk around and see what happens. That’s a waste of good drugs. Plan out your consumption and be deliberate! Find the right trip at the right time, and you will transcend the transcendental Coachella Music & Arts Festival.

Or you’ll spew bile. Probably both.

Remember that your trip is short, so leave it all on the polo field: mind, soul, bodily fluids—no retreat, no surrender, no regrets. Inebriate with a free spirit. Your journey is your own; the pairing suggestions here are but one route you may take.

FRIDAY

Tennis & methamphetamine

You’re in California, so party like Andre Agassi. It’s game time. Set a nasty little shard in a glass “incense burner,” then light a match. Now you’re playing from the baseline. Hold on tight and dig in—slick tracks from Tennis’ brand-new record, Yours Conditionally, will guide the way.

Mac DeMarco & Xanax and cigarettes

Drop a bar and chill out because it’s about to get smooth. You don’t normally smoke cigs, but something about DeMarco in the evening sun brings out the Michael McDonald in you. A nicotine head rush pairs wonderfully with the woozy grooves from DeMarco’s latest, On the Level.

Mac Miller & cough syrup with codeine and cannabis indica

It is never too early to break out the lean. Mac Miller’s confessed drug of choice fits the slow, screwed vibe of New Faces Version Two, featuring Earl Sweatshirt, who is lurking around the polo grounds somewhere. Spark an indica joint waiting for the drank to take hold and prepare for a sticky, downtempo sleepwalk as the sun fades. You can’t fight the feeling . . . yes, indeed.

Radiohead & psilocybin mushrooms and gin

If you’re on the couch, brew an eighth of fungus into a thermos of Earl Gray, then drink it down while praying for Kid A tracks during your peak. Nip at a gin drink to stave off the fear; should the band venture into Hail to the Thief, start slamming liquor to quell the brutish realities of the impending apocalypse.

Richie Hawtin & MDMA

Richie Hawtin armed himself with an experimental light show designed to knock your brain chemicals into your sinuses. If you’re going to be a puddle of serotonin for one set, this is probably it.

SATURDAY

Local Natives & IPA and cloves

It’s nostalgia time. Turn back the clock eight years to when the Local Natives left OC for a grimier, more affordable Echo Park and won the hearts of hip kids worldwide. Become wistful while reminiscing of LA during the height of the recession. Let the soft harmonies and memories of shitty coffee and shittier wi-fi wash over you.

Chicano Batman & tequila and cannabis sativa

Roll a doob, take a dab, and pound a few Cuervo shots to discover the proper headspace for horchata-flavored psych rock. You won’t find this type of buzz anywhere but here. Gozando mucho!

DREAMCAR & amphetamine and Klonopin

About as straight-edge as they come, DREAMCAR is AFI’s Davey Havok fronting a Gwen-less No Doubt. If vegans can eat burritos, you can try out an abstinence substitute in the same spirit. Rail a bunch of speed, then cancel it out with a benzo. It’s like the drugs version of seitan.

Lady Gaga & cocaine and cannabis sativa

Maybe you get high, but you don’t puff tough like Lady Gaga, who disclosed she has a 20-joints-per-day marijuana habit in a recent interview. She chain-smokes joints like you would a pack of Marlboro Reds with a snout full of blow. Combine Gaga’s former drug of choice with her current obsession—a recipe for a big-time Saturday finale.

SUNDAY

Lee Reynolds & LSD-25

The OG of the Coachella DJs deserves the OG of festival drugs. The co-founder of the Desert Hearts record label, Reynolds has a million weird stories to tell, and he’s been known to regale audiences between tracks in his classic house set at the trip-friendly Lab stage

Skepta & oxycodone and methylphenidate

I can’t think of anything that goes better with a grimy London rap set than a filthy little synthetic speedball. Bottoms up!

Hans Zimmer & Valium and box wine

A night out at the symphony at the polo grounds? You’d be well-suited to bring mother’s little helper to this mom party. It’s not drugs, just a little something to take the edge off. Feel that desert breeze! You’re Simba romping across the savannah while chatting about your favorite Bruckheimer films.