I haven’t visited the pages of the Good Men Project in quite a while. After all, why should I? I can go a lot of places and order a male-shame sandwich. And unlike GMP, there are a lot of places that will tell me that is what they are serving without trying to disguise it as something else.

But, this morning, I got one of their site emails, and then I made two mistakes. First, I read it. Second, I clicked on a link that was inside. Note to self: Drink both cups of java before dealing with emails in the morning, Paul.

BOTH. OF. THEM.

Perhaps if I had done that, I would not have stupidly clicked on a link and started reading the article 25 Ways to Redefine the Phrase ‘Man Up,’ by Carlos Andrés Gómez. Perhaps I would not be sitting here with firsthand knowledge of 25 ways to pull your fucking hair out by the roots.

Yes, it is that bad. And gentlemen, consider this a trigger warning. If you already have a receding hairline, don’t go to GMP and read that article unless you want to expedite the inevitable.

To begin with, Gómez can’t make it through the first paragraph of his preamble without stepping on his dick(eww, how sexist!). In his introduction to how he wants to reclaim and redefine the term ‘man up,’ he says:

Almost uniformly, the phrase’s meaning has remained the same—a guy isn’t “acting like a man” or “man enough” so he is belittled and shamed.

Then he sets about giving you 25 ways you are supposed to behave, or you are not a man.

You just gotta love GMP, don’tcha?

As we sometimes do here at A Voice for Men, conspicuously not named The Voice for Men, it is time to provide yet another public service. Following are the 25 ways that Carlos Andrés Gómez wants to tell you to be a man. We post them here under fair use guidelines. Note, the print in standard font is taken directly from Gómez’ article. What you see in italics is the red pill translation of what it actually means, courtesy of this writer.

Be a Peacemaker: Whether it’s out at the club on a Saturday night, an afternoon on the block, or at your family reunion, diffuse conflict and be an advocate for the bigger picture. Because what you are as a man, without intervention, is a troublemaker. That is why all you see among non Gómez’d men is conflict and strife. Why, a fella can’t even go to church or the grocery store without a brawl ensuing. Just last week I was standing in line for a movie ticket. There was a man next to me. I punched him, cause that is what we do.

Leave the Tears on your Face: Have the courage to express your emotions publicly and unapologetically; it lets younger guys know it’s okay to have emotions and be sensitive. After all, look at how emotionless and cold non Gómez’d men are. Think Keating, Steinbeck, Henley, B.B. King, Gandhi, Gibran, Rumi, Whitman, Yeats, Elliot, Kristofferson, Tennyson, Schweitzer and countless others. We will worry later about a world blind to the millions of tear-stained faces of men and boys that are out on display right now for men like Gómez to smugly ignore while he lectures us on matters of the heart and manhood.

Communicate: Openly, humbly, vulnerably, and constructively. Even when you’re scared. Even when it’s really hard. It’s always better than the alternative. See the list on the last item. Read it a few more times if you have to. And then inform the men in the men’s movement how people will listen, when they express their pain, and their indignation, when they actually dare to speak on their own behalf. And go to the GMP and read through the countless examples of how that publication humiliates them for it.

Get an Environmentally-Friendly Car (or Bike!): Break a heavy-handed male stereotype, respect planet Earth, and save money on gas. And vote for Obama, and donate to NOW and recycle your trash. Break the heavy-handed male stereotype and buy a Prius! God knows there are no women driving SUV’s to the fucking mall.

Be a Great Parent: Try your best, actively listen, teach them all you know, read to them, hug them, tell your kids how much they mean to you. Because we all know that the male standard is to be a shitty father. As a non Gómez’d man, you know it’s true. You don’t hug your kids, or tell them they are important any more than you break your fucking back to provide for them. Yes, read to them, and not from your porn collection you fucking disgusting pervert!

Forgive: Whether it’s the jerk on the L train or your father, make peace and let go. Now there is a piece of sex specific advice! Be a man and forgive, because non Gómez’d men are full of resentment. You can learn how from women, and male feminists. They never hold grudges, not even for shit that happened (or supposedly happened) two thousand years ago.

Seek Help: Same rule applies to directions, carrying a massive oak table, and emotional baggage—it’s okay to not do it alone. In fact, we’re all better off when we don’t. Oh, no sexist stereotypes here, right?

Cook: Embrace the joy and fulfillment of watching a plate of food you made light up a person’s face. Yes, of course. Quit yammering for your woman to make you a sammich and get your ass in the kitchen! After all, men don’t know how to cook, right? We all have women making all our meals, right? Right?

Embrace Fear: Many of the most profound breakthroughs can happen when we face fear head-on and stop running. That’s right, you scaredy cats, man up and face your fears! You guys in the coal mines, quit being such pussies and face your fears! You, too, cops and soldiers and crab fishermen and truck drivers and firemen and high rise window washers. Stop running and man up! That goes double for you MRAs! Quit pussying out and face your fears of a society that rejects you for daring to stand up for yourself. Oh wait, a bunch of you are already doing that. Never mind.

Spend Quality Time with your Family: Put down the paper, turn off the smart phone and go play in the backyard. And quit watching sports and having your own friends. Lay off the personal interests that make any small part of your life your own and that take your attentions away from those that need you to be mindlessly selfless. Just work and spend every other waking moment on anyone but you. Then apologize for working so much, and then go back to work and then spend some more quality time taking care of everyone, then apologize for not doing that well enough. Now that is manhood — Gómez style!

Change a Diaper: Embrace the gift of being able to change a diaper for your child or baby sibling. It’s a memory you will always have. Shitty diapers fall under the quality time section above.

Be Flexible: Men are endlessly stereotyped as not being able to adapt—channel your inner Lao Tzu and accept what you can’t control, while joyously swimming in whatever current has swept you up. But don’t be flexible enough to challenge this bullshit, or to notice that Gómez is stereotyping you as inflexible even as he is calling the inflexibility a stereotype. Just be flexible enough to come home and change diapers after 10 hours on a road crew.

Be Responsible: Whether it’s volunteering to be the designated driver, babysitting your little cousin or managing your money, recognize that your precious gift of a life comes with necessary responsibility. Do more! Do more! Do more! Now sit up! Roll over! Beg! Gooooood boy! Sorry, I meant Gooood man!

Lead with Your Heart: Have the courage to show how much you care—about your family and friends but also whatever you’re passionate about. Just make fucking well sure that whatever you are passionate about involves changing diapers, giving up your interests and acting like a trained seal clapping for a piece of fresh mackerel. Then don’t bitch when you don’t get it.

Advocate for Women: Standing up for your mama, sister, and niece, that’s the easy part. But what about that stranger your friend is ogling right now? That’s right, fuck your father, your brother and nephew. Most of all fuck you. Now go shame that stranger for looking at a woman and having sexual thoughts.

Support the LGBT Community: We’re so much better than belittling others for who they love or how they identify their gender. Be sure you do this between changing diapers and cooking for someone else. But remember, only support gay men as long as they follow the feminist dictum to hate men like you and reject everything you stand for. Those that don’t are just limp wristed faggots and you can rag on them all you want.

Be Gentle: Sometimes the greatest power exists in a warm hug or soft whisper… other times, simply in a smile. Yes, be gentle, with everyone but yourself. Treat others with tenderness, even as they shame you into compliance with their perceived needs and whims. Be nice to the gender ideologue that sees you as an appliance, and accessory in the lives of others. Blow them kisses and think only warm and fuzzy thoughts. If you must vomit, do so with care and tenderness.

Mentor a Child: Organizations like Big Brothers Big Sisters are always looking for more male mentors, especially men of color. Giving up a couple afternoons a month could literally change a kid’s a life for the better. Give, give, give! More, more, more! Teach young boys, by your life’s example, to be just as disposable and utilitarian as you are. That is what real men do. And while you mentor young girls, first take care not to sexually molest them. Then give them an example of just how useful you and all men should be for the duration of their lives.

Be Humble: Be brave enough to follow someone else’s lead. Recognize that you’re part of a much bigger purpose than just you. After all, isn’t everything in the world bigger than just you? You will find that groveling and humility go hand in hand. Or was that humiliation? Whatever.

Be Healthy: Exercise, eat healthy, get good sleep, lower your stress, and prioritize happiness. How you do this in a life you don’t own is your problem to fix. But fix it you must. To serve others in the Gómez way, you must be healthy enough to carry their weight, your own, and the weight of anyone else in your vicinity, especially those with a vagina. Remember, “prioritize happiness” is not referring to yours. Don’t be so fucking selfish!

Hold Yourself Accountable: Don’t be too proud to say when you’re wrong or take responsibility when you make a mistake. And remember, you are always the one that is wrong. Insinuating that someone else is wrong is a form of abuse. There is an easier way to break this down. You don’t have to take responsibility when you make a mistake if you get it right from the beginning that you are a mistake.

Value your Partner’s Sexual Needs: Make it a priority to respect and honor your partner’s sexual boundaries and celebrate satisfying his or her sexual needs. If you have made it this far down this list and you still have to have this explained to you, then you are really fucking stupid. Remember, as a mere man, your sexual needs and satisfaction mean nothing. Take care of her. Just like in everything else you do in life. Just pretend you’re a kitty cat and you have swallowed a her ball. You don’t have a purpose, you have a herpose. It’s not service, it’s hervice. Are you getting Gómez’d yet?

Play, Everyday: I’m not talking about Playstation or X Box here, I mean play. Indulge your imagination and your curious heart. Playing keeps us alive, creative, present, and youthful. And, in the right hands, obedient and controlled. We must be careful to clarify. It is not what you think is play. You must indulge your imagination and curious heart to think of ways to play that are not what you would choose if you just wanted to have some fun.

Say “I Love You”: Say it to your male friends, female buddies, family, or whoever is most special to you in your life. Let them know how much they mean to you. You never know when it might be your last chance to do so. Just don’t say it to yourself.

Recognize that You Are Enough: This world tries to fool us into believing that we were all born inadequate. Love what you got. Celebrate and cherish it. Know that you are beautiful, important, irreplaceable, and powerful. Just as long as your entire life has nothing to do with your wants, needs, ambitions, aspirations, interests or happiness. Recognize that you are enough as long as you are enough to satisfy someone else’s wishes. In one of the greatest ironies of life, a strange truth appears. You are enough, as long as you are nothing to yourself.

Twenty-five ways to rephrase ‘man up’; to redefine it? How about 25 ways to put a feminist spin on the same, tired old message, pouring salt in every wound created by every bullshit stereotype ever imagined about men and masculinity? How about 25 newfangled ways to control through shame and belittlement?

And how about one ‘fuck you’ in response.

Never trust anyone who tells you how to be a man. Ever. For any reason. Never even trust anyone who puts an adjective in front of the word. It is all about control and it always was, whether it comes from the mouth of some alpha wannabe that needs to instruct others on how to self destruct, or from a sensitive new age sycophant that is looking to get approval and admiration from women at the expense of his fellow man.

If you are male, you’re a man. Anyone else who tries to tell you otherwise is deluded. We may strive to be better human beings, but it has nothing to do with manhood. Neither does this list of 25 sales pitches. Carlos Andrés Gómez isn’t even talking to you. He is talking to the women that read GMP. And he is talking shit.