You’ve probably heard the refrain: you must learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. It’s cute and apt, but growing up I instead learned you must love Jesus first, everyone else second, and yourself last. The acronym for this is J.O.Y.: Jesus < Others < You.

When you spend all of your energy trying to make others happy, there isn’t much time left for loving yourself. And you definitely don’t have the capacity to tell anyone else what you need, because you’re too busy worrying about what they need.

Jesus First.

Then Others.

Then You.

When I walked away from the church, I didn’t realize that I couldn’t just let go of everything I’d been taught. After I’d spent countless years worrying about serving Jesus and Others, I had no idea how to love myself. I didn’t know what that looked like.

For several years, I still tried to follow J.O.Y. in my personal relationships, always putting the other person first. It was a recipe for disaster. I was unhappy and my attempts to make others happy were not getting me the things I wanted out of life.

Today, I consider myself to be a better-adjusted, mostly-happy person who knows what they want and is willing to ask for it. It’s taken me a long time to get here and I’m still learning better ways to love myself. A big part of finding personal happiness was letting go of J.O.Y.

Let Jesus Go

I left the church when I was 19 years old, after about 19 years of indoctrination. When I left, I still believed the myth that Jesus was, if not the Messiah, a cool guy who said some nice stuff about loving your neighbor.

The thing is, there are a lot of cool people saying nice stuff out there. Putting any of their happinesses above your own doesn’t make sense, once you take the religion out of it. You can keep the teachings that resonate with you, but leave the rest behind.

Put Others in the Backseat (or Out of the Car)

It’s hard to stop putting the happiness of others above yourself. Unlike Jesus, you have to look others in the face sometimes, and when you’ve spent your whole life concentrating on their happiness, it can feel like you are letting them down.

Spend Time Figuring Out What You Want

After I left the church, I found myself repeatedly getting into relationships and trying to mold myself into what my partner wanted. I’d spent so much time with J.O.Y. that I didn’t know how to exist without putting what someone else wanted first. Peter Mosley describes a similar experience here:

“When I found out God wasn’t real, I thought my “system” would automatically update — but I kept finding things that weren’t true, that I had to adjust to — scattered beliefs and tendencies here and there.”

Who you are may be buried pretty deep under the expectations others have placed on you, so take your time figuring out what you really want. Start simple. What do you want for lunch? What do you want to wear? Then tackle the bigger things. What do you want to do with your life?

You may find this is a time-consuming and frustrating process, but it will be worth it. Remember it’s okay to change your mind. You are in charge of your life, not somebody else.

Embrace Selfishness

It has taken me years to reach a point where I know how to ask for what I want. Calling myself selfish still makes me cringe with guilt, but I’m going to own it. I’m being selfish and that’s okay with me.

No one else is in charge of your happiness, just you. Be selfish and do the things that make you happy, because they make you happy.

It’s Okay to Say No

As a child in church, I was taught the importance of obedience. I dressed and behaved the way I was told to and, because I was supposed to “show Jesus” to people, I volunteered constantly for service projects I wasn’t interested in.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with helping those in need, but part of loving yourself is realizing it’s okay to say no. You don’t need to sacrifice sleep, sanity, or your energy on things you do not care about. The next time someone asks you to do something, whether for work or for fun, give yourself a minute to think about what you want, then give them your answer.

Don’t Apologize

Because of J.O.Y., I was always apologetic, even when I wasn’t to blame. I would apologize when someone stepped on my foot or when I disagreed. I was essentially apologizing for existing, because I was less important than everyone else.

When you begin saying no, you may feel an urge to apologize. Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry about. You are an individual whose thoughts and feelings are valid and you don’t have to apologize for wanting (or not wanting) to do anything.

Stop Defending Your Decisions

If I didn’t want to volunteer at church, I had to have a very good reason. I couldn’t say no just because I didn’t want to.

Putting yourself first means you don’t have to explain why you want (or don’t want) something. If you’re talking to a lover, a friend, or a family member about a simple matter of whether or not you want to do something, you don’t need to defend your decision.

Now, I recognize this isn’t an all-inclusive list and that what has worked for me may not work for everyone. I’d love to hear your thoughts on abandoning J.O.Y. to find your own happiness. Let me know what you think in the comments.

__________

Be sure to “Like” Removing the Fig Leaf on Facebook so that you can follow the blog: