Everyone’s favourite set of nightmarish bagpipes come to life, Donald Trump, gave a speech on Monday to the Boy Scouts of America, for which he was – surprise, surprise – roundly criticised. Parents of the Boy Scouts called it an embarrassment – and if you look at the outfits they put their kids in, you’ll know that they do not embarrass easily.

Really, I think they were overreacting. Just because he happened to savage the media and threaten to fire a politician at a supposedly apolitical event, before leading the impressionable children in a round of booing his predecessor – it’s political correctness gone mad. Next you’ll be saying he can’t even set up his own wing of Trump Youth, where the kids get to salute pictures of his orange face.

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In fairness, talking to Boy Scouts is hard. What do they like? Trees? Nature? Tying bits of wood to other bits of wood and calling it a chair? Pointedly refusing to use a GPS even though it’s the 21st century? They’re basically a bunch of tiny little Bear Gryllses, except they didn’t go to Eton and they won’t drone on about the Alpha Course all the time. Don’t worry though, Donald – in the highly unlikely event that the Boy Scouts invite you back, here’s a Guide to Talking to Boy Scouts If You’re a Jerk But You Don’t Want Them To Know You’re a Jerk.

Start with a joke

A nice self-deprecating joke always goes down well when talking to large groups of people. Maybe something like: “There are so many people here – more than at my inauguration! Although that’s not saying much!” Or: “The only badge I’ve ever earned is a name badge! Hah, but seriously, I am a 71-year-old man who has never worked for anything in his life and yet who is now the most powerful man in the world. I am an indictment of the American system.”

Crucially, don’t tell one of those anecdotes that has the cadence and structure of a joke but is actually just a sexually explicit story about one of your daughters. I know it can be hard to tell the difference – if you’re not sure, check the kids’ reactions after you’ve told it. If they’re laughing, you’ve told a joke. If they’re crying and throwing up, you’ve told the latter. Chalk it up to experience and put some money aside for Tiffany’s therapy.

Don’t bring up politics

Children are like tiny versions of you, Donald – they don’t care about politics unless it directly involves them in some way. Try to imagine how boring it is as a child to listen to an old man brag about taking away the healthcare of millions of people. They’d rather be climbing trees, fighting bears or having confusing feelings towards other Boy Scouts. If you feel like you’re about to say something political, don’t panic – just substitute some of the words. Instead of “electoral college”, say “elephant collage”. You’re really proud of your amazing elephant collage. It’s absolutely massive, and it’s way bigger than Hillary’s. Instead of “crooked media”, try saying you hate the “croquet Medea”, who is the Greek god of lawnsports. Instead of “Jared Kushner has no ties to the Russian government”, pretend to have a coughing fit and faint. It’s a foolproof plan.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Donald Trump waves after speaking to Boy Scouts in Glen Jean, West Virginia. Photograph: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images

Make them boo considerately

Kids are idiots. With a loud enough microphone and enough pyrotechnics, you can make them do anything. If you gave Hilary Mantel a big enough soundsystem and a massive set of fireworks, she could fill out a stadium with 14-year-olds, all screaming, “The life and times of Thomas Cromwell have been scandalously neglected by academia! YAAAAS, HILARY!” It’s the group mentality – as an individual, some children wouldn’t say boo to a goose. But in a pack they’d say any number of expletives at any number of birds. So be careful with how you rile them up – don’t make them boo your presidential predecessor or your former political rival. Make them boo things we can all agree are objectively terrible, such as terrorism, boredom or Ed Sheeran’s appearance on Game of Thrones.

Be yourself

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There are plenty of other pieces of advice I could give, such as don’t say anything in Russian, even though there’s a good chance at least one of these “children” is actually a 30-year-old Russian spy, like in the 2009 film Orphan (spoiler for the 2009 film Orphan). But really the most important advice I could give to avoid being a jerk is: don’t. Just be yourself – your vainglorious, hateful, bile-spouting, out-of-control self, who has never truly known joy if it wasn’t created at the pain of someone else.

Jobs and titles can’t change who we are, and you are the living proof. By just being you on that stage, you’ll show them that despite the fancy flags, despite the honour and status that is bestowed on you, you’re rancid to the core. So thanks, Mr Trump – you’ve stood up, in front of those Boy Scouts, and shown them in the most graphic way possible that it isn’t about the trappings of power or the uniform, it’s about the man that’s inside. And that is an infinitely more valuable lesson than one you can ever consciously give.