‘Well, at least I didn’t shit myself,’ says relieved May

Clown show Prime Minister Theresa May’s first words to aides after her wacky conference speech were, ‘Well, at least I didn’t shit myself’.

It had been thought that the speech, which left topical humourists with very few places to go as it featured a fine prank, a collapsing slogan and a nasty cold, couldn’t have got any worse.

However, from what has been reported from her initial meeting with aides – it certainly could have.

“I felt it just in the bit when I was trying to pretend that building 12 council houses would make any sort of difference at all,” she reportedly told them.

“I got that cramp in my stomach, you know that cramp I get?”

Her aides then nodded furiously, eyes bright with dreadful knowledge.

“Then it just got worse and worse as I went through all that guff about normal people being decent, and the whole thing was genuinely touch and go through the standing ovation at the end.

“Luckily that wasn’t too long.

“In fact, I’m fairly sure that the first letter fell off the slogan after one violent cramp when I had to clench so hard that the entire stage shook.”

The aides then believed the worst was over as Theresa May made plans to head back to Number 10

“Come on,” she said, “I want to get out of this ghastly Northern-”

She then stopped, let out a grunt and a foul odour filled the room.

“Bugger,” she said.

“I’m going to need some new pants and a big wet wipe.”