(see the companion article, Improvements in health the reason Queen Elizabeth II feasts on young blood)

WINDSOR CASTLE — Known as her principal weekend retreat, Windsor Castle was largely renovated by Queen Elizabeth II when she stormed the throne in 1952. Over the years, inside sources have revealed snippets of telling details that, when put together, depict a very strange woman zipping through widened, archaic castle halls on a souped up motor scooter, while gnashing her crooked, pointy teeth. But nobody with any credibility had alluded to the prepared strips of human meat in her freezer.

An exiled cultural philosopher named Hubert Humdinger called the Queen “violently vibrant” and “packed with more energy than the sun”. He said it at a small dinner party, and nobody in attendance remembers that he did, except for him. Humdinger also offered his analysis in 1973 about how the Queen could be so energetic. “She must eat human flesh,” he wrote bluntly in an article for We Royalty magazine, “to be so vivacious. There is an immense amount of spiritual energy in human muscle.” He also hinted at the royal family engaging in Satanic rituals and bloodlust.

Humdinger’s career slowly degenerated after that, especially as he called Madonna the Whore of Babylon, and suggested that if she wanted shinier skin like Queen Elizabeth II, she ought to be a cannibal as well. As Humdinger was chased from the stuffy, chemically-cleaned halls of Academia, his words are now, almost 40 years later, redeemed. Unfortunately, his books and literary articles have long been destroyed in the blazing fires of tyranny over freedom of expression and quirky truth.

Surprised to Find…

A serviceman was given clearance last week to investigate possible “electrical problems” in the Castle’s Eastside kitchen area. The serviceman, accompanied by three pre-cleared English constables, poked around the kitchen and found a nest of faulty wiring behind the old refrigerator. He would have to call in the rest of his team, assuming the royal family would clear them for entrance. Meanwhile, the Queen was out speed boating in France.

Before leaving, the serviceman (who refused to give his name to the media) opened the Queen’s private freezer. “I wanted to check how chilled it was. I wasn’t sure the freezer was getting enough juice to keep everything as cold as it needed to.” But what he found was another issue.

Strips of flayed meat, stretched out like bacon, and carefully packaged in a see-through wrap first caught the serviceman’s attention. The constables weren’t in the kitchen at the time, but were instead lounging in the Queen’s lavish living room. The stuffed heads of reptiles decorate the Queen’s personal quarters. A picture of Richard III, with his hunched back, loomed over the officers. He was in the act of fighting off a snarling dog with a cane. The dog’s snout was frozen forever in the act of lashing out at the wicked king, as if he, Richard, held links of blood sausage in his free hand.

When the serviceman walked out of the kitchen, he saw the three constables lined in a row. The last one scratched the back of the middle one, and middle man scratched the back of the first. “He seemed to be happiest of all,” the serviceman said, “and the guy in the back was bloody bitching about doing work without getting reward.”

The serviceman interrupted them to ask if they’d peek in the freezer with him. He was shaking and the look on his face suggested he’d stumbled onto a big problem. “I thought he started a fire or something awful,” one constable said, “because he looked like he’d seen Queen bloody Mary.”

The officers were appalled to riffle through the Queen’s personal frozen bits and bobs. “Like taking a peek at her damned undies,” one of them said. But the serviceman insisted. “We were thinking, ‘this had better be good.’ And it was. He yanked a frozen forearm out of there. And then part of a leg. A small hunk of a male chest. And a few other parts I’d rather not describe,” the officer who’d stood last in line said.

At first, the constables thought they were looking at packaged pig parts, but soon they realized they were looking at the remains of a human. What to do next? “Normally we’d check the missing persons list, take DNA samples, and immediately detain the suspect with the evidence in her freezer. What we got here is a series of pieces from a white male. No head. No hands, or feet. But the Queen has special privileges,” the middle constable said. “Throughout history, it’s always kind of been that way.”

“You can’t prosecute the Queen for having a strange habit. I’m sure she got these parts legally somewhere overseas. At any rate, we aren’t going to look into it,” the constable who had stood first in line said. “I know the Yankees will have a fit, but the Queen is God’s monarchy. She’s God’s bride.”

His colleagues agreed. The serviceman had no choice but to leave the premises. He is currently penning an account of his experiences in the hotly anticipated tell-all book, Peeking At the Queen’s Undies: the Long History of a Prominent Meat-Eating Dynasty.

His book is the most hotly anticipated book about Elizabeth since Humdinger’s 1991 screed called, Getting your nose up close and in there….

Disturbed Dignity – A Long History

Elizabeth almost always wears flowery dresses. She often dons a wide-brimmed hat with fake flowers pasted to its front. She is a stately sight at any dignitary dinner where cameras are present. Yet behind the media’s eye, behind the comforting walls of her sprawling Windsor Castle, she’s something else.

“She’s really bloody crazy,” said an English carpenter named John Bellows, in a lost interview from 2001. “Sometimes she’s without any family or friends in that huge castle. We’d be working in the early 90s, and we’d hear manic shouts and jolly loud animal screams, especially throughout the ‘horrible year’. We’d been warned beforehand that the environment would be prickly, but we’d never expected that.”

Queen Elizabeth went through a lot of turmoil in the early 90s. She called 1992 “annus horribilus” because her sons both divorced their wives, and a wild fire whirled through a section of the castle. It is widely believed throughout India that she fell asleep and dropped her burning cigarette.

Bellows commanded his crew to keep their mouths shut, and ten years later, he finally opened his to reveal some of the secrets behind the highest esteemed family in the world.

The whiny electric pitch of a tweaked power scooter still haunts Bellows. He’d be re-plastering a wall, or carefully tearing into the bowels of a bathroom to get at the waterlines, while the continuous hum of the scooter almost drove him crazy.

“I’m not frightened of those mobile chairs in general, but when your Queen is on one, and traveling at high enough speeds to ruffle her stiff hair, it gets disturbing.” Elizabeth also holds a pinched grimace on her face as she flies from one end of the castle to the other. “It’s like she can’t take all the gory G-force, but she likes the speed anyway.” It should be noted, the Queen has no problem walking.

Bellows also mentioned Elizabeth’s jagged set of teeth. “I’d hate to get bitten by the Queen,” he said. “Her chompers remind me of that savage character in Moby Dick, who’s teeth were pin-like and sharpened to tear into any kind of meat. What does she do with those things? Did she file them like that?”

The carpenter said this years before the recent discovery of human remains were found in Queen Elizabeth’s freezer. Did he suspect a perverse use for her sharpened teeth? It will be impossible to say, because John Bellows disappeared early last year in a supposed boating accident. “John wasn’t much of a swimmer,” his sister told police at the time of the accident. “It’s like he was made of wood.”

Police never found Bellows’ body. The character in Herman Melville’s classic American novel that Bellows’ referred to is Queequeg. In chapter 13, called “Wheelbarrow”, the savage “showed his filed and pointed teeth” (59).

Hubert Humdinger didn’t seem elated to be proven correct about his long-standing analysis of the Queen. “I’ve always been right,” he said in a private communication from his hidden home in Northern Europe. “Everything I’ve ever said’s been right on the mark. In the hole. Beside the Divine. However you want to say it.”

When asked about his comments concerning human meat being a source of more energy for its consumer, he clarified, “It’s not about nutrition or vitamins and minerals. Eating humans is about power. And glory. It’s a spiritual boon. But it’s twisted and should be forbidden.”