Michael Matthew Bloomer, November 18, 2016

President-Inevitable Donald Trump made a quick stop in Washington today to “do some business.” He’s excited about the opportunities available to a hard-charging mogul who just happens to be President of the United States as well. A spokesperson explained:

“Mr. Trump has not yet been sworn-in as President so he is very much like anyone else who is not yet the President. He is excited to consider business opportunities in this great city until noon on January 20 after which he is precluded from doing so because of Democrat over-concern with Mr. Trump’s ability to manage so-called conflicts of interest between matters of state and all-American personal wealth enrichment.”

The crowd nodded that it had heard such talk and mumbled about it with some concern.

“Consequently, upon becoming President Trump he will not consult about business matters with family members. They alone will run his businesses into the ground until he returns to private life and can once again do so himself. In the ten weeks before inaugural day, however, Mr. Trump, the mogul, will buy up whatever beautiful D.C.-area properties, businesses, and things he can arrange loans for.’

Of course, Trump’s spokesperson’s preface updates the ongoing negotiations about the structure of a “wall of separation” between the President-Inevitable and family members who will manage complex business deals and their subsequent bankruptcies. Some in the legislative branch (who appear to many as simply jealous) insist that this arrangement will prevent “wholesale robbery of public and international treasuries, consequent world economic depression, social upheavals, and wars of the old-fashioned sort,” a charge, I must in fairness note, level-headed Republicans deem “premature.”

In any event, today, President-Inevitable Trump visited numerous D.C. properties, and even held a festive “Open House” at the famed Library of Congress, from where I am reporting. Businessman Trump spoke from the portico of the Library of Congress to a large group of real estate magnates, world banks, government sovereign fund reps, a score of heads of state, and many persons on temporary leave from prisons around the world, all of them eagerly crying out “Me! Me! Me!” to his request for funding:

“This decrepit eyesore, imagine it as a super luxury hotel, mall, and casino, full of restaurants, beauty parlors, and sports bars! Despite the looks of it now, the mechanical foundation this old-school Library building offers will provide a perfect foundation for the new property, and my people think there’s no need to do a single upgrade to its internal fittings, toilets, anything. Isn’t that great folks?”

The President-Inevitable pointed out that potential investors would realize financial benefits immediately upon the Library’s demolition:

“We will carefully – and folks, when I say carefully, I mean carefully – tear down the marvelous and historical facade in a way that will preserve all the gorgeous goo-gabs and foo-foos you see and admire now. We will monetize them, sell them off, and pass through the net-net profits, if any, to you, after expenses. You’re not gonna get a better deal than that. What better way to own a piece of American history too? I know the Russian sovereign fund is eager for that.”

Russian prisoners and officials laughed good-naturedly. A few onlookers, though, wondered aloud their belief the Library of Congress was firstly, a publicly owned building, secondly, a part of the legislative branch, not the executive branch, and thirdly, a national treasure unlikely to be approved for sale, ever. This, of course, if true would create difficulty in obtaining and then transferring legal ownership from the United States to a group of private citizens, heads of state, and inmates, some of whom represent countries inimical to our values, interests, and people. And, in real estate, title is everything. President-Inevitable Trump picked up on these nitty-gritty concerns:

“I blame the Chinese. We’ll take care of that. Title to the Library is assured. And remember folks this is an obsolete building. Libraries. You got nothing to tell me about libraries. It’s all cyber now. My ten year-old son Barron tells me he has a dozen books on his little cyber phone. The entire Mein Kampf. Libraries. Twenty-first century losers! The congressmen I talk to have never checked out a book from the Library. Never. But they still throw tens and tens of millions a year at it. Obviously none of that money went to spiffing up the building, now did it folks? Who owns it. Ask around. It’s the Chinese! You ask. Well Chinese domination of the Library of Congress ends on January 20th! I’ve got the Army, the tanks, the bombers, the V-2 rockets. Believe me, I own it as of 12:01 pm on January 20th. No more Chinese. Everyone says so. And the Congress? How are they going to stand in the way? They have the Capitol Hill Police who still ride around on horseback, armed with civil war era flintlocks. So, look, the Library’s for sale! January 20th. Be there.”

His final flourish seemed to settle the issues, if absolute crowd silence represents assent, as I believe it does. In closing, President-Inevitable Trump recited the Gettysburg Address, “for no other purpose,” he said,

“than to leave you with something to think about when you consider a respectful bid for the beautiful property you see in front of you.”

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