the truth, and that’s why I think his recent excommunication is pure unfortunate inconsequentiality.

Look. Let’s be honest and scientific about this whole problem. John Dehlin clearly has been excommunicated for what he doesn’t believe in. That is really wrong, in the universe of nihilism.

I mean, it’s obviously that Brother Dehlin really does believe in the Book of Mormon, as a modern scripture written for our day, this Thursday, in order to reclaim the Indians from their benighted weekend. Although he has publicly denied believing it is, as he really believes, a translation done by the “work and powerful powers of The God,” as we Orthodoxers do, it is obvious to the rational person–to the thinking person–that he really does believe it to be such a work of miraculous, even perspicacious translation. (I put it in BOLD, to make it more true.)

And I will go you one step further down the rabid whole of truthification: Let me proothify it to you all. I got this from Godgle, where I earned a Master’s degree in Religioned Studies by looking all the way to the fourth page! Two more pages deep, and I was looking at ABD status! But alas, to air is human.

Brother Dehlin has but one wife, as the Book of Mormon plainly advocates for. He doesn’t kill Lamanites. He did not marry an accursed women suffering the blemish of browner-toned skin. He lives northward of the River Jordan, near the Land of Bountiful. He does not kill, steal, nor do anything that is forbidden by the Law of Moses, right? He even lives in the Promised Land of North America Zion! This clearly adds up to the sum of the multiplication of the fact: He really believes in the Book of Mormon. Indeed, might even be of Nephitic blood himself. Possibly he is the Man Seer it prophesies will come forth on Thursday?

So, the puzzle I’m here to solve! Yes, that should’ve been a question mark, but it’s exclamatory!

And that’s why I believe John Dehlin really believes the Book of Mormon to be true. Why does he not have the courage of his convictions to say so, publicly? Ah, let’s think about this rationally.

Obviously, he has been under threat by his followers to say what he initially said, probably or likely or simply in order to collect donations from them. So, he lied a bit, at first; and Brother Dehlin told them he didn’t really believe the Book of Mormon to be an ancient work. It was a little fib, so? But we all know, now, here in the Future, that he was at the time suffering from Religious Affiliation Misrecognition Disorder. RAMD is regarded as a serious disease in the professional professions! Take care you do not contract it, or inherit this SAD disorder!

Yes, the TRUTH is finally revealed: John Dehlin is actually a believer in the Book of Mormon, as an ancient record translated from Gold Plates by the Seer, Joseph Smith. Must I proofify it to you again?

More Proothification Pudding: When has he ever told his followers, O Ye of Mormon Storiesdom, that he lied about lying? Never. That’s right. He never told them he lied, ergo, he clearly believes his own lie! That is the key marker of RAMD. And moreover, case in point, for instance, and QED:

He also believes in Thomas S. Monson being the Mouthguard of the Lord. Indeed, what proof do you have to the contrary? WHAT? You say he said he didn’t believe TSM was the M of the Lord? And yet, in the Future, we all know, thanks to Godgle, that his denial of his true belief is yet another symptom of that most unfortunate of disorders, RAMD. Moreover, OED, and Cogito Ergo Sum, I add this to your instances of proofisication:

1. He has not ever killed Thomas S. Monson. Just as we might expect a True Believer to do.

2. He has never sacrificed his own children to Moloch.

3. He has attended semi-private meetings in various non-private buildings owned by the Corporation of the President, buildings designed to inculcate believers into the strange beliefs of this cult.

3.2 He once, in my presence, sang a Mormon hymn, no doubt beloved to him: “Give, Said the Little Stream.” Sure, his audience then “gave” as the little stream suggested, and who else would go around soliciting donations for a religious endeavor, other than a Mormon?

4. He even and also talks about being a Mormon. Everyone knows that the Dictionary says, “A Mormon belongs to the LDS Church, and believes in the President of the Church, and in the Book of Mormon.” Confession! From the Horse’s Mouth! Oh, Brother Dehlin, how we’ve failed Thee!

4.5 He has the DNA of a Mormon. It’s right there, in his DNA!

5. He was married in a Mormon temple. Duh.

6. He has only one wife. And it’s not a dude.

7. He has more than one child. Mormon, anyone?

8. He lives in Utah. U-T-A-H. And he sometimes does NOT pronounce T, as in, “Moun-en.”

9. He does not partake of forbidden foods, such as possum, crickets, and vodka. Just like a Mormon.

10. Somebody told a person whose website I came across that he got his idea about telling people he didn’t believe from another person, possibly even an evangelical. Or an angel. It’s in a book, though.

pre-11. This article blog post thing will be quoted in the Future, and then re-quoted by others, and that also will be used as prooth.

11. He is a product of his cultural circumstances and historical times, alongside a minor vectorification of the society, to the 34 degree; and even somewhat from the worldview of his world. These abstractionated nouns all forced him to tell that first little lie, and gave it Super Awesome Power over the Minds of his benighted followers.

Oh! Wo!

We can see from his actions that his confessions have been driven by a FEAR of persecution. What is he afraid of? or, WHO is he afraid of? Or WhoM is he afraid of? Hmmm?

Of the Mormon Stories Mob, obviously. ‘Tis sad, how brainwashed they are by the cultural peculiarities of their own folk magic! What if he came out and confessed, “I really lied about not believing in this stuff. I really deep down, though even I fooled myself for a time, feel that I do believe in my belief in the Mormon Church and the Book of Mormon.” What would THEY do? Good Question!

They’ve given their leader minor fame and some fortune. Perhaps he was just so caught up in the dangled web he wove, probably at first just as a form of PODCAST FICTION, that he couldn’t break their hearts? Maybe he was doing good, with his lie about not believing, and thought to himself, “Why tell them the truth?” And as he has tacitly admitted, by his own actions, he even believed the fib himself, for a time! Oh, RAMD, why do you plague us so???

Well, now the persecutation has come to a tragic conclusion: THE LDS Church has excommunicated a True Believing Mormon? Yes. One who adheres to all the commands of the Lord, who raises his hand in support (in his heart, anyway) of the Brethren. Whose actions belie his underlying beliefies in their Infallibility to be Fallibly Infallible.

Are you now, Faithful Brothers of the We-Aren’t-A-Church-Because-We-Are-So-Smart suffering from a Saving Face Crisis, I mean, a Faith Crisis? Let’s take it up a notch, to a Faith Transition! VrOooom.

Do as these your leaders have done, as the scriptures say.

Proclaim you believe Joseph Smith made it all up in order to get fame and fortune.

Don’t worry that you don’t really believe that, that you really believe Joseph Smith was a True Spokesperson for Adam-Michael God the Father, grandson of Super God. We must tell a lie in a season, as the Bible says. I mean, as long as the Bible wasn’t lying about that, right? Erm.. . anyway, it wasn’t.

So, Faith Crisis solved, right? Secretly you can attend Sacrament Meeting, and eat all the white bread and water you’d like! No one will ever know. And if you happened to dabble in a bit of General Conference now and then, who’s the wiser? Sometimes we need a break from all the liberties of the world. In the Future we shall call you, and your intrepid companion Pioneers, who feign unbelief because of persecutation by the Loud Majority, the Noble Crypto-Ex-Mormon-Mormons. ye, even the leaven of the loaf that has gone sour.

Forced to pretend to donate money to Ex-Mormon causes! Compelled by mobs to read books (or, at least to listen to a podcast of a guy who said he read a book)! Unfortunate Soul! In the Nowhere and Nothing that awaits us all after Death, you shall find your reward: a church to call home, and a faith ready made for easy answers, and convenient living. Smart people in this Future Myopia will always tell you, “you are right, and always have been. Never again shall you be wrong.”

And you’ve heard of Jeremy Runnet, obviously. What? You haven’t? He’s the most important Importance Nowadays! He also believes as Brother Dehlin, but doesn’t have the gumption to say so. he wrote a fictational letter to his imaginary CES friend, and it was published by people of Hard Hearts. And now, Dear brother Runnet is forced to pretend he really believes that Joseph Smith made it all up, just to get a little on the side.

Thus, we see a conspiracy of believers to pretend to not believe! So you see [return to top]

Brothers! Should you comment below, adding affirmation to my discovery, please DO NOT leave your real names! They are looking for us! And, for your own sake: pretend you do not agree with me, and call me names, and make fun of how I write, so that no one will think we are a movement. We must stay in the shadows, until such a time as we can all come out and go to church on Sunday, free of the persecutation of The Them.