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In an “exclusive” interview with what will soon be the only media outlet left inside the White House Press And Frozen Steak Storage Room, Donald Trump tells Breitbart that the Oscars’ Best Picture mix-up was due to their being so distracted with political talk. While this is probably indirectly true—in the same, soul-enervating sense that makes everyone’s days feel like a meaningless slog spent idly awaiting Armageddon—Trump, of course, means it with far less nuance.


“I think they were focused so hard on politics that they didn’t get the act together at the end,” Trump said of the moment when PricewaterhouseCoopers partner Brian Cullin mistakenly handed presenter Warren Beatty the envelope for Best Actress instead of Best Picture, a mistake that some have attributed to this year’s slightly more illegible design, while some others have accused Cullin of being too distracted with tweeting backstage celebrity photos to do his very simple job. Nevertheless, one thing is perfectly clear to him: All energy flows according to the vibrations of Donald Trump, the chaos butterfly who can flap his Twitter wings and suddenly the markets are in flux, the very definition of “facts” is in question, and Emma Stone is briefly embarrassed. We are all of us at his mercy. We may never truly know which movies are good again.

“It was a little sad. It took away from the glamour of the Oscars. It didn’t feel like a very glamorous evening. I’ve been to the Oscars. There was something very special missing, and then to end that way was sad,” added Trump, a man who—as Sean Spicer carefully relayed—was far too busy doing more important things to watch this pointless, self-indulgent ceremony thrown for Hollywood celebrities that he didn’t even enjoy, and also definitely wasn’t as nice as the time he went. Presumably Trump found time to be debriefed on the Oscars’ sad, unglamorous, anticlimactic evening just after he completed telling a room full of black-tie-clad bureaucrats that his new healthcare plan is “something very, very special.”