He locked those memories away for a reason. They weren't meant to come back. That melody. The song he heard in his head when they came across the wagon, the voice that sang it, that he was slightly ok with. Remembering everything else? Yeah, not so much. The death of his family was something he'd tried hard to forget, so why was it so easy to bring it all back? He drank a lot before the memories came flooding back. After, he was hardly sober. He was constantly confused. He was quiet. Before he'd been fine. He'd cracked jokes, played his instruments more, and in general went along with wherever life took him. Everything felt distant now. Like there was a separation between him and what was happening around him. Leaving Barovia helped a bit. He even made a friend in the murderbot everyone else got to meet back at the Vistani camp. Little guy was cute, and it was easy for him to latch onto anything he could consider familial. He named his tiny robot son Simon, and it was nice having him around. It didn't last. Of course it didn't. Simon was crushed into tiny bits on their train wreck of a stealth mission. The bird died, too. He literally just got this bird, what the fuck? It was him. It had to be. What the fuck did he do to lose so many people? What was it about him specifically that got everyone killed. Even his party members had died. Sure they were back, but still. There were a lot of things wrong with him, he knew that. He was selfish, he was a drunk, and he apparently got everyone close to him killed by just being alive. And so, he did his best to stay drunk. Drunk and distant. Maybe it was safer that way...for everyone.