RALEIGH – A local suburban mother of three was very impressed with President Trump’s State of the Union Address last night, highlighting his successful effort to hold his bowels as he stood before both houses of Congress.

“He just showed so much restraint and maturity,” said Karen Mourmont, a housewife from Cornelius, North Carolina, seated with friends and family, as the others nodded in agreement. “He didn’t throw poop at Nancy Pelosi once!”

Karen was particularly impressed with the president’s demonstration of professionalism, believing he was finally turning a new leaf after a profane primary campaign, grueling general election campaign, troubling transition period, and ruinous reign as president.

“I think we’re seeing a new Donald Trump,” said Paul Mourmont, Karen’s husband, a manager a local Ruby Tuesday’s. “He didn’t insult anyone, he didn’t throw his microphone, he didn’t use any mean-people words.”

As she listened to her husband and watched her baby son, Orrin Hatch Mourmont, rolling on the floor, a tear fell down Karen’s cheek. “I’m just so proud of him!” she said. “He didn’t poop like Orrin!”

Your elementary school custodian contributed to this report he can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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