The (Un)Common Denominator of Femmes

What I absolutely do not want to do is put femmes into a box or to perpetuate, in any way, the silly notion that gender identity is rigid. I think women are so used to the whole fucking world trying to contain and define us that we get defensive and see opposition where there often is none. Girlfriend, you’re welcome here even if you’re a boyfriend tomorrow. So, with that said, allow me to sexplain…



Femme dykes come in a cornucopia of sexualities. We are not all bottoms, vanilla or otherwise. Nor are we all whip-wielding, corset-wearing dominatrixes. Some femmes are high femme, some medium. Some look corporate, some punk. Some live quiet and some loud. Some make quiche and others make noise. But I’ve found that whether we like to put a butch over our knee or another femme between the sheets, we’re all objects of desire. You might think that I just misspoke, that I should have said, “We all love being objects of desire.” No, I wrote what I meant.



The phrase “object of desire” (OoD: pronounced “oo” as in coo-oo-ool and “dee” as in de-e-eli-cious) usually refers to a person being the subject or object of another person’s lust, obsession, and desire. I have determined that “object of desire” is its own class of sexual orientation, the way the terms fag or femme or dyke or S/M are often used. OoDs get their rocks off independent of others’ reactions to them. This is my turn-on, no matter who I’m with or even if I’m not with anyone. Being an OoD means our levels of arousal rise when someone gets excited by being with us or looking at us. We get turned on simply from turning on others.



Being an OoD is a self-contained sexuality. Everyone—men, women, straight, gay—may find someone more attractive if s/he knows the other person likes her/him. But for OoDs it isn’t a conscious thing. It’s chemical. I’ve felt attracted to people who I thought didn’t even know I existed, then found out later that they had been lusting heavily for me from afar. My body had responded. If you find me desirable, my mind may not realize it, but my body will grow aware and react.



This doesn’t mean we get wet over any Joe Blow who wolf-whistles at us; we do exercise powers of discernment.



Most people consciously react to others who lust after them. One person may love it, one may run, another may scoff. But with OoDs, being adored and wanted plays an integral part in our sexuality. Still, OoDs can be superhot on our own. We don’t require someone else’s attention to be sexual. We can be our own OoDs.



To understand what I’m talking about, try this: Set up a mirror so you can see your body but not your face while you assume your favorite masturbation position. Now talk dirty while you have sex (with yourself). Call yourself a slut or princess, whatever words are charged for you. Depending on your position, you may see fingers on pussy, titties bouncing, a mouth moaning. Someone is watching you. Feel the heat of her passion. You may be surprised to find that your arousal rises, even though that someone is only you.

— Shar Rednour in The Femme’s Guide to the Universe (Alyson Books 2000)