I cut a workout short “for all the wrong reasons.” 1st exercise in, a stranger came up between sets to suggest a way to improve my form.

They are times and ways I can handle valid criticism, but not the way he did it. I politely bowed out of the unsolicited, condescending, lesson. He accosted me without regards as to whether I was interested in knowing how he’d do it as someone without my particular health history. It’s not immediately obvious to non-medically trained people that my body is configured a little differently, not that I’m accepting blame for these people ass-making-sumptions.. I’ve worked with PTs in the past to figure out how to do exercises in ways that work for my body, the way strangers tell me to modify my form causes me pain. Besides all of which, it was in the free weight section.

It’s hard for me not to correlate these types of interactions, that only ever occur when I’m working with free weights, with my smaller body size and the “audacity I have to work out along side those ” serious” and “experts” in body building. My anatomy variations impact how I do all exercises of course, but exercises meatheads don’t value those I typically do in a clearly more challenging way then them, even if often still accommodating the ways my joints do and don’t move. Most notably, I’ve never been told how to do hanging clocks or other core exercises I have to do in slightly modified ways.

But if I’m carrying a free weight above 10Kg for exercises they value, which is what I most need to do to improve the weaker part of my strength, there’s a good odd, I apparently need to know how out of place I am, and unworthy of the space and equipment. It’s unsolicited advice that flies in the face of accommodations worked out by physical trainers, it’s cutting in between my sets (which is fine, in and of itself) without asking (not ok, especially if I was super setting, and like everyone else waited my turn to access the equipment), etc. Even if my smaller body size and strength aren’t named as “the real issue” that’s how it comes across, never mind on the times I’ve been “redirected” to machines or whatever alternative that doesn’t involve being in “their” space.



[Someone about to do a deadlift by Victor Freitas on Unsplash.]

Evidently, politely bowing out of the “lesson” was unacceptable. I agreed that he had a point, and implied I was aware this was something for me to work on, thanks. As I recentred my focus, to do my next set, he and 3 other buff guys, moved to the benches nearest to me, and moved them around so as to impede my ability to see in the mirror, and have all 4 of them facing me. I managed a few reps, but though they said nothing else, it was stressing me out. I put my weights back on the rack, and went to do body weight based exercises. These had the merit of regrounding me in my body, but I remained upset with myself for leaving the free weight area.

When those 4 guys left, I went back, but there were 2 new people together there. The guy was buff, and “showing” this woman some exercises. Except without explanation of why he was having her do them 1 way (aka free weights) and him another (barbell on a a squat rack with safety catches.) The woman asked some really smart questions, but he either didn’t know the answers, or he thought she wouldn’t understand them. The sexism was irritating to witnessed, I contemplated a way to answer her questions that wouldn’t escalate. He ended up “letting” her use the squat rack, except he told her how much she could possibly manage, less than she thought she could, this, that, and the other. I realized I ran the risk of accidentally pulling a muscle from being psychologically distracted, the high likelihood I’d be dismissed if not worse were I to say anything under the circumstances, thus I abandoned my work out.

I get we all bleed red, and it isn’t just slim, small, short guys who feel out of place and have been discouraged from heavier free weights. That woman was even more so bluntly told that she didn’t belong. But it brought back an incident I had with a PT ~3.5 years ago. We were working out how to modify an exercise to work for my body, very much minding our own business. This buff guy cut in, clearly without relevant context to my body, with who knows what, if any, qualifications he has as a trainer, to take a swipe at my trainer for having me to the exercise in the way that accommodates my physiology, and tell me I should hire him instead. My trainer handled it, but I was so defeated. Not even when I’m working with a professional, who one might think would signal I’m ok where I am, can I work out with free weights in peace.



[Greyscale of trainer and boxer in a boxing ring corner by Wade Austin Ellis on Unsplash.]

I intellectually know I did nothing wrong, and I deserve to work out along side bigger guys. I get I could turn to gym staff for support but, given my extensive past experience, that’s of limited success. I’m not interested in “take up space” type “motivation.” This isn’t on me. The pieces of paper legislation and policies are written on have never blocked a fist. They are only helpful after the fact, and in a limited way at that. Shitty people will be shitty. Shitty people confronted by low key consequences (as in, told by staff to leave me alone) have a track record of turning into stalkers, or making my life worse in more creative/’subtle” ways. Changing gyms is not a helpful recommendation for a few reasons including all gyms have jerks, and inconveniencing myself by travelling further and/or paying more would perpetually remind me why. I have resilience skills, just not infinite, and this is not the hill I’m dying on, no matter what. I pick my battles, and this is one I only do to a point.

It’s effing demotivating (understatement) that this is the 8th gym (over several years and different countries) where this sort of thing has happened. I’m not going to quit. I like exercising too much. At the moment, my “risk” is switching to body weight based exercises, which don’t challenge my body in the ways I’m interested to challenge it, until I find times that work for me and when there’s fewer jerks around, or some such equivalent, but that’s of limited value, and has drawbacks.



[Original picture of a fire truck doing a drill on a hill.]

I solicited advice from friends. The following are 6 things I’ve since begun doing or contemplating ways to implement going forward:

Wear headphones. I’ll have to save up and get a pair appropriate for working out.

Find a workout buddy interested in a similar workout regime as mine. Unlikely any time soon given I know few people in my new neighbourhood besides my partner.

Carrying a notebook, officially to keep track of weights/reps, etc. I previously carried sheets I’d print out from my Excel doc where I keep track of stuff, but evidently, loose pieces of paper don’t come across as serious as a flimsy notebook. Thus far, this seems to have made the most difference in providing me more respect. Guys are now consistently asking if they can take equipment near me or cut in between my sets. #littlevictories

Use my phone more often as a timer. I typically shy away from even taking my phone to the gym, unless it’s leg day, when I use it to time select exercises. I enjoy my walk over, workout and coming back being tech free time but until I feel more confident I’ll be left alone, it may be worth a compromise on this to further establish I have some idea of what I’m doing and I want to be left to my own device.

Continue to go at non-busy times. This is only feasible until I have a job with regular hours but I may as well milk this one for everything it’s worth while I can. I never go during the busiest times because I hate crowds, waiting that much more, and it’s when there’s the most amount of people providing unsolicited advice and reminders that I’m not as buff as them.

Start using a weight belt. I don’t need one (yet? I feel I’m inching my way there as I age/carry the ever-growing twins.) If I can find a cheap one that buys me peace, why not.