The Colorado Rockies are great. They’re only percentage points from first place. They have an even record on the road. Yada-yada skip-to-my-lu-de-dada. Already people are declaring the Fowler trade as a universal win for the Rockies, Charlie Blackmon‘s beard is the best thing since sliced bread and Nolan Arenado saves cats from trees with his amazing range. There are even whispers that the Rockies front office is *gasp* good.

All the accolades are, well, smothering. Perhaps its my upbringing somewhat near Wrigley Field (since the Rockies weren’t around then), but there’s a bit of a hesitancy to accept a good start at face value. Besides, it seems some of the things I’ve written recently have a tendency to jinx players for brief periods (Thanks Carlos Gonzalez 2.0 for breaking out of that slump!) And hey, sometimes it’s fun just to nitpick. So, to jinx the Rockies, I figured I’d talk about some of the worst individual game performance sin Rockies history because, well, by talking about how bad they are, I’m hoping to reverse jinx them into being even better. Yeah, that’s right. I only need to use logic if it fits the story. Other times, I’ll use hexie-do voodoo and pat myself on the back when the Rockies win. Make sense? Yeah, thought so.

So with that, let’s take a trip through the worst offensive performances, shall we?

Biggest Hitting Donut Award

Winner – Jamey Carroll – 8/15/2006 – An 18 inning affair, Jamey Carroll’s idea of hitting leadoff was to strike out once and fail to reach base in the 2-1 affair. Yep, the game was played at Coors Field. With runners on first and third and no outs, he grounded into a double play which also drove in the only Rockies run of the game… in the 5th inning. That was the height of his contribution.

Honorable Mention – Brad Hawpe – 4/17/2008 – This 22 inning love affair that resulted in a Rockies win generated a whopping three runs. Nope, the game wasn’t played at Coors Field. Mr. Hawpe had nine plate appearances with no hits and four strikeouts… but he still got two walks. He did get an RBI in the 14th inning which might have won the game until Manny Corpas BS’ed the game back. Probably not the second worst donut in Rockies history (gosh, there are a lot of 0 for 7 games), but it is one of the more interesting donut games.

Biggest Offensive Attempt to Smite and Spite Teammates Award

Four players in Rockies history have grounded into three double plays in a game. Eric Young on 6/1/1997, Todd Greene (remember him?) on 9/29/2004, Jeff Baker on 6/2/2007 and Jason Giambi on 6/15/2012. The Rockies won all four games. #youcantpredictbaseball

Biggest Sacrificial Lamb Award

Winner – Cory Sullivan – 6/14/2006 – Corey Sullivan had four sacrifice bunts…. to go with 2 other at-bats where he scored two runs and gave up a hit. Corey spent his day primarily bunting over the aforementioned Carroll in a pitching “duel” between pitching “aces” Byung-Hyun Kim and Tony Armas, with the Rockies eeking out a 14-8 win. Bill Bray, in his first outing at Coors Field, was charged with the loss after giving up runs 9 through 13 including a home run to the, again, aforementioned Carroll. Presumably, that was the only time Sullivan couldn’t attempt a sacrifice bunt.

Honorable Mention – Cory Sullivan – 6/15/2006 – After breaking the franchise record a day earlier, Sullivan slacked the next day with only three sacrifice bunts. So, yeah, seven sacrifice bunts in two days, which if it isn’t a record, at least it is recorded in the annals of time in this blog post thanks to baseball-reference.com This effort to move runners was attempted against rotation stalwart Livan Hernandez who was a phenomenal pitcher ten years prior to 2006… The Rockies won 8-1.

(And for those who are curious, only three other Rockies players ever had 3 sacrifice bunts and they were all pitchers. Why only three? Well, you tend to sacrifice bunt more if you can pitch well enough to get past the fifth inning…).

I Shaved My Legs For This But No One Bought Me Dinner? a.k.a. I am Jack’s Sadface Award

Winner – Matt Holliday – 4/17/08 – Holliday wins the award for most times on base without scoring or driving in a run. Remember that Brad Hawpe game? The 22 inning affair? Holliday as the Rockies #3 hitter got on base 6 times in 9 plate appearances, stole two bases and still didn’t score. Remember Brad Hawpe’s 0 for 7 performance? That’s a good reason why. Between Hawpe, Garrett Atkins and an assortment of pinch hitters, the Rockies #4 and #5 hitters went 2 for 13 with 8 strikeouts and two walks.

Honorable Mention – Todd Helton – Repeatedly Offended – There are 7 games in Rockies history where Todd Helton was on base five times and did not score or drive in a run. Helton was in four of them.

The Little Offensive Engine That Couldn’t Award

Winner – 7/4/2010 – This game holds the Rockies record for most runners left on base with 20. Thirteen base hits and fifteen walks (which include five intentional walks) yielded 4 runs. But the Rockies won, so, they still had that going for them.

Honorable Mention – 8/13/2005 – There are a few games with more runners left on base. Hey, it is the Rockies after all… yet this one takes the cake for leaving 15 runners on base while being shut out. The Rockies #1-#4 hitters were 8 for 21 with 2 walks but there was only one extra base hit the whole game. Yet another Kim vs Armas epic event but, alas, no Sullivan to bunt people around.

Walks Clog The Offense Award

Winner – 10/2/10 – The Rockies walked 8 times, got 5 hits and scored 0 runs. Nuff said.

Honorable Mention – Too many to count – The Rockies have been shut out a lot in their history. There are three instances in history where they walked seven times and four occurrences where they walked six times and, even with those gifts, scored zero runs.

So, yeah, let’s go Rockies, let’s break some new records this year and set new feats of ineptness because to root for you might be, well, to jinx you. Kthxbai!