OAKLAND, CA—Reviewing the circumstances that led to their defeat by the Toronto Raptors in the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors attributed their series loss to forward Kevin Durant rupturing his Achilles, guard Klay Thompson tearing his ACL, and guard Steph Curry being hit by a bus near the end of game six. “No disrespect to Toronto, because they played a great series, but we can’t help thinking that [Kevon] Looney’s lingering chest injury, Draymond [Green] falling into that woodchipper early in game five, and Shaun [Livingston] getting harpooned and rupturing most of his internal organs played a role in our defeat,” said head coach Steve Kerr, adding that it was hard to keep the momentum going after a combine harvester ran over the entire bench in game five. “We don’t want to use our injuries as an excuse, but we just want to acknowledge that it’s really hard to craft strong lineups when you’re dealing with DeMarcus Cousins limping around after multiple on-court knife wounds, or when you lose a guy like [Andre] Iguadola, who was hobbled from the Oracle’s ceiling collapsing and crushing his legs. Plus, that bus ran over Curry so many times—tough when you lose your best shooter because all his fingers have been ripped off. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see what the F inals would’ve looked like without all our starters contracting hemlock poisoning and Andrew Bogut getting struck by lightning on three separate occasions.” Reporters’ final questions about the Warriors’ future were handled by assistant coach Mike Brown after Kerr fell into an open manhole in the Oracle Arena press room and owner Joe Lacob spontaneously combusted.

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