CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – In a press conference today, administrators at NASA announced the much-anticipated results of recent research on the International Space Station into definitions of different sexual positions in space.

For decades, researchers pondered how humans will have sex in space, and what the future of sexting will be once humans are living for extended periods of time without gravity. To help investigate this, Congress allocated $5 million in the 2018 budget specifically for research into how humans will have sex in space.

“I spent a year on the thing, and you get lonely sometimes,” said astronaut Kelly Scott. “So I was excited to hear that we’d finally be getting some action!”

COMMAS SAVE LIVES!

Save a cat’s life by getting our shirt at: https://www.teechip.com/eat-kitty!

The results of the study were published today in the journal Nature: Astronomy.

The astronauts started off simple with their experiment, with the basic “Missionary” sexual position. But it quickly became clear that the “basic” positions were a bit different while in space.

“It was hard to decide who was on top and who was on bottom” said Kelly. “Since there’s no gravity, there’s no up or down, which means it’s really a matter of interpretation. So we just called it ‘Schrodinger’s Missionary’ instead.”

The same issue came up when the astronauts went with more exotic positions, such as “doggystyle” and “reverse cowgirl.”

“It was hard to decide what was going on. I mean, I got behind her, but we couldn’t decide which position we were trying.”

The astronauts completed an exhaustive list of common and uncommon sexual positions, ranging from reverse cowgirl to the Panamanian Petting Zoo, all the way to the Alabama Hot Pocket. NASA insisted to Alternative-Science.com that this was “important research,” adding that it was “groundbreaking.”

The International Space Station flies through space at a blistering pace of 17 miles per minute (something around 3000 kilometers a second) in order to stay in orbit of like, 20 miles or something above the Earth. On clear nights, you can see the station flying overhead.

This post was first written for our companion site, Alternative Science.