You cannot tell your child they have a choice when they legally do not. Do not do that your child.

But I think we are talking specifically about the situation where Mom has manipulated the law to prevent you from seeing the child at all, and the child is of an age where the could speak to a judge about where they want to live. In that case, yes. If mother is unable to consider what’s best for her child, if the courts cannot discern was is best for the child, then you have no choice to but to ask the child to decide. Obviously, no one is listening to Dad.

But in a more general sense, there aren’t any magic words you can say at a particular moment. The child will already know that you love them or they will not know. They may not understand at that time but they will remember.

For my case, I have no doubt my kids remember my tears for the times I didn’t want to leave but had to. And since I still spend a lot of regular time with them, I have no doubt they understand how I feel.

My father had 5 kids from a previous marriage before he married my mother. I know my Dad spend time with his kids after the divorce, even after remarrying, but eventually stopped doing that, his own choice. When I was a kid, I knew his 1st set of kids didn’t like him very much, but I never understood why. As I got older, and learned about who my Dad was, I got to understand a little that situation a little better. When I was 18, I sat down with my Dad and asked him why he got a divorce. He told me about her behavior, and I believed him for the most part. When I had my own kids, I realized why his 1st kids had such issues with him.

Kind of going off track now, but as a kid, it really bothered me that my Dad did not have a relationship with his first kids. Why did I get to spend time with him when they did not? It felt as if I hadn’t been born, then they would have gotten more of the Dad they deserved. That in a way, it was my fault. Whatever it was, this was not how it should be.

I thought about this a lot again after was divorced, and still open to the possibility of remarrying. I knew that I had to make sure my kids knew I loved them. And that I would never choice any woman or other kids, a new life, or them. The idea that I would spend more time with other kids that my own almost makes me feel ill.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this. Divorce can be devastating to kids. It will effect them in ways you probably can’t even see.