Fair warning, however: For better or worse, this is the longest chapter to date by a significant amount!

Chapter Text

Marco pushed the cart forward as fast as he could. Thanks to Nicholas’ intervention, he wasn’t too far behind of the others. The wheels rolled smoothly beneath him, making it easy to move the weight of Lavabo and the still empty cart. Soon, he was as far from the second to last squire, as he himself was from the first place.

Said first place, unfortunately, was Higgs.

Of all the squires, she was perhaps the one Marco least wanted to see in the lead.

His second least favorite pick, fortunately, was just right ahead of him: the huge squire seemingly nicknamed Baby Man. The towering brute could likely put more raw power behind pushing his cart than most others, negating the disadvantage of having to haul his equally imposing lady knight. Perhaps, as their carts grew fuller and the load heavier, his brawn would become a significant asset later in the race. However, for now, despite his raw strength, he simply wasn’t as fast of a runner as the others.

Within moments, Marco was side by side with the baby-faced giant.

“Ah, Lady Whosits, greetings!” spoke Lavabo cheerfully, as his wooden horse drew closer to the knight leading Baby Man’s cart.

“Oh, hey, Sir Lavabo, how goes stuff down in the Wash?” she asked.

The old knight got no chance to reply, as, that very moment, Baby Man slammed his cart on Marco’s, pushing the squire of the Wash and his knight against the closest shelf.

The shelf in question seemed to consist of rows upon rows of halberds on display, with the business end facing towards the front. Marco managed to react only in the last second, regaining control of the shopping cart right before either the metal basket, or his own flesh, got caught up by the sharp axe blades or piercing spear points of the weapons. Clearly, whatever dimension Quest Buy was in, it wasn’t one in which the term ‘Personal Injury Lawsuit’ was known. Ugh! He really hated this place!

“Booya!” cheered Lady Whosits excitedly. “Bite our dust laundrymen!… No offense, Sir Lavabo!”

“None taken,” the old man replied goodnaturedly.

Marco begged to differ.

He turned his anger at the brute of a squire into resolve and pushed himself and Lavabo forward again, once more gaining on the other two. Soon they were back to being side to side. The bigger squire tried once more to ram their cart with his own. But Marco, expecting that same trick, made sure to leave enough of a buffer between them. Thus, he was able to react in time, avoiding the impact and using the opportunity to get ahead of them for once.

With Baby Man in hot pursuit, Marco raced towards the first real milestone of the competition, the chestplate shelves of aisle 8.9. The other squires were all already taking off from there, with Timore and Old Guy picking up their own pieces of armor and dropping them into their respective carts just ahead of him and Lavabo. Fortunately for Marco, there was still one chestplate left.

He stopped the cart for only a second, and reached to grab it, quickly turning to put it inside his own cart before the larger squire could catch up.

However, as soon as Marco turned around, he found himself face to face with Baby Man’s nastiest smile to date. He barely registered the huge ball of iron descending towards his own skull, as the other squire swung his mace towards him.

The mace hit flesh and bounced back, vibrating wildly, as if it had impacted against a huge steel shield. This was because the flesh it hit, thankfully, wasn’t Marco’s, but the side of a broad muscular fur-covered red arm.

“Hey Marco,” spoke Timore, a happy glint in her eye-embers. “Guess we are even now, right? Sorta?”

She had stopped Baby Man’s mace with her lower arm, and the attacking squire had literally been thrown back into the ground from the impact. Marco’s assailant now sat sprawled on the floor, unharmed, but looking confused at the meek demon who had bested him without even trying. The weapon lay uselessly on the blue linoleum, too far out of his reach.

Wow. “Even? Um, I think I actually owe you one now,” Marco reasoned. “Since clearly you were not in any trouble before…” After all, she almost certainly could have handled that mace just as well back then.

“N… no, of course I was…” she replied nervously. “I mean, that situation I was trapped in was… awkward“ she whispered.

Marco smiled at that.

“Anyways, gotta go now,” Timore said, glancing at her silent knight. Sir Thorncloak sat on their cart’s wooden horse with crossed arms and a raised eyebrow, clearly disapproving of the unnecessary delay.

“We need some things beside the standard list,” she added, embarrassed, “... you know, um… demon things... so… well… um, good luck out there, Marco!”

She raced back to her cart and took off, in a different direction than the one Higgs, Old Guy, and the rest of the squires ahead of them were taking. Meanwhile, Baby Man had begun to stand up, so Marco took the opportunity to grab Lavabo, the chestplate, and his own cart, and get as much distance between himself and the mace-wielding squire as he possibly could. Behind him, he heard Lady Whosits yelling something at her squire. Marco wasn’t sure if she was berating him about trying to bash the skull of a fellow squire, or about having missed.

“Oh ho! What a fortunate coincidence the other exchange squire got in the way of that attack. Wouldn’t you agree, Marco Diaz?” Lavabo said, jovially remarking on the event as if he hadn’t actually been involved. It had been his attitude since the beginning of the race. Like a spectator commenting from the the safety of bleachers.

“Um… didn’t you hear her? Her saving our asses was very much intentional. Her name is Timore and she’s really nice.”

Lavabo turned around to face his squire. “That demon? You befriended her as well?”

Marco nodded, trying his best to pay attention to his knight while also staying focused on the course they were taking. It kind of sucked that these shopping carts were designed to have most of the squire’s vision obscured by their own knight. Perhaps it was an intentional test, and the squires were supposed to memorize the race route by heart, to where the race could be done without sight, but believing that would be giving the Quest Buy engineers way too much credit.

The laundry knight whispered something to himself. The only part Marco could make out was the word ‘astounding.’

“Sir Lavabo?”

“Listen. Marco Diaz. I want you to forget about the ‘weapons and armor’ list I gave you this morning. For this race, we will be focusing exclusively on the laundry items.”

“What!?” Marco exclaimed. “Why? The race literally just started.” Sure, they may have had a late start, but thanks to Nick and Timore, they recovered pretty quickly. Marco could once again see the other squires ahead of them.

“I understand that. But, keep in mind, our main service to the kingdom is providing fresh clothes to its subjects. This is a duty we alone bear, and thus, we cannot afford to disregard it. Weapons and armor can be purchased anywhere inside the Butterfly Kingdom, but the supplies that are relevant only to the both of us…”

Marco realized what Lavabo was trying to say. Among the countless flyers he had received in Lavabo’s mailbox this past week, none of them advertised places that specialized in laundry supplies. No such places existed in the Butterfly Kingdom. Who would need such things if two random guys in the castle already did your laundry for you?

“Alright, so I’ll prioritize the ‘laundry’ list,” Marco said. “But still, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go after the other stuff as well. We’ll need them to fight whatever the Wash throws at us, like the Lint Monster.” Not to mention things outside the Wash, like the Elmbeast.

“We will make do with what we have in the Wash,” Lavabo said. “Marco Diaz, you have made tremendous progress today. Despite being insulted and singled-out by your fellow squires, you persevered and made two new friends in no time at all, to the point that they would assist and protect you in this competition without a second thought. Such camaraderie between people who have just met is admirable. In a way, you’ve made more progress today than I have in my entire career as a servant of Mewni.”

While Lavabo didn’t outright say it, Marco knew he was talking about himself and Jaya to some extent.

“With that said, the odds are still stacked against you. Many more squires would rather see you fail and sabotage your chances here. We need to consider that. So please, only focus on the one list, especially since following said list will give you less chances of running into those who antagonize you. When we get back, we’ll see how much we have left in the Wash’s budget and take a trip to the local armory.”

In a way, Marco was flattered. Not only was his knight looking out for him, but he was also acknowledging how difficult today had been for the boy, and was impressed he was able to overcome it.

But, with no offense to Lavabo, making a few friends wouldn't be enough for Marco to consider today a victory. As Timore implied, that sort of stuff came naturally to him. The real challenge had just begun, and Marco wasn’t gonna back down from it so soon.

“I appreciate the concern, Sir Lavabo, and I would hate to put our productivity in the Wash at risk due to my own ambitions,” Marco began. “But, this morning, you gave those two lists to me with the expectation that I had what it takes to get every item on them.”

Lavabo blinked.

“It’s like you said in our first day together, the Wash is an unrelenting place, and coddling me won't help anyone in the end. The difference in sharpness in our blades could mean the difference between life and death. Even if no one thinks it, the kingdom needs us. Half-assing this race for the sake of my comfort-level would betray our duty to the people.”

And, not only that, but this race was Marco's only chance to prove himself to the other squires. He’d be stuck in the Wash most of the time, but before there was another crisis on the level of Ludo’s invasion, where Marco would have to work with and entrust his life to them, he needed to gain their respect first.

It was now or never. Marco would get everything on both lists, without fail. He wouldn't let a single item escape his grasp!

Lavabo smiled warmly. “I see. I’m sorry if I insulted you, Marco Diaz. This is the second time I have underestimated you, but I shall not make the same mistake a third time!”

Swelling with pride at his mentor’s praise, the young squire further picked up the pace. While racing towards the remaining squires, his mind started planning the optimal route that would let them complete both lists.

First, they needed a young foal and, after that, some shoe glue. The aisles for those two were right next to each other and, Quest Buy being Quest Buy, Marco wasn’t sure he wanted to know why exactly that was the case. After the glue, there were: leather polish, three kinds of magical detergent, a bow and arrow, a bucket of holding, and then, dragon repellent, followed by a dozen more Wash items, plus a few more weapons and wilderness supplies.

He arrived at the racks of tiny horses just after Nick and Old Guy. The goth girl with the iron mandolin, whom Marco had briefly seen back before they all portaled into Quest Buy, was already racing ahead, carrying a black foal in the basket of her shopping cart. Higgs was nowhere in sight, presumably further ahead from the pack.

Fortunately for Marco, there were still plenty of horses to pick from, and he was able to grab what he considered to be a promising baby colt. It was chestnut coated, and looked at the boy with mild apprehension, but nonetheless it stood still and let itself be deposited inside the squire’s cart without issue.

After that, it was time for a short detour, as Marco dived into an aisle to the left of the main path, hoping that he would still be able to catch up to the other squires. He grabbed the glue without ever slowing down. The leather polish was equally easy to acquire.

The first bottle of detergent, however, was also the first challenge. It was a bright golden powder labeled ‘Phoenix Soap Flakes’, and was inconveniently placed atop a set of shelves that was a full four times taller than Marco. Not letting that stop him, the boy grabbed a normal detergent pack from the bottommost row and threw it at the hard-to-reach item.

Five golden boxes of ‘Phoenix Soap Flakes’ tumbled down. Marco picked them up as fast as he could, shoving them into the shopping cart, before racing out of that aisle and into the next. Without breaking his stride, he read the blurb under the product’s name: ‘Burns through the stains. Leaves your clothes brand new.’

“Ah, yes, it’s all true,” Lavabo commented cheerfully. “Of course, it burns the fabric too, but it all gets magically rebuilt before the start of the rinse cycle. Brand new indeed!”

The laundry detergent area of Quest Buy encompassed a few dozens of mile-long aisles, arranged in such a convoluted pattern that Marco would not have been at all surprised to find a minotaur trapped near the center. Fortunately, he really had been studying the store map and both lists, back in Jaya’s tent, not simply pretending to do so for the sake of avoiding conversation. Although, well, he had to admit that had certainly been part of the motivation. ‘An anti-social squire is an oriented squire’, he mentally quipped.

Soon enough, they doubled around another corner, and Marco was able to get ahold of the second magical detergent, a shimmering multi-color liquid called ‘Beholder’s Cleansing Tears: Ten-in-One Multipurpose Detergent’. All things considered, they were making excellent time, and should still have a fair chance to catch up to the others, Marco thought.

The last magical detergent was at the end of its corresponding aisle, which also happened to exit out of the ‘detergent maze’ and into the store’s main path for this section. ‘Merlin’s and Melvin’s Bubbling Pods: Removes Soil, Slime, and Sorcery,’ the bright purple package announced. All Marco had to do was to grab it on the way out, and then rejoin the squire race.

The boy reached out for a bag, when he heard a sharp whistling sound. Instinctively, he stopped on his tracks, and withdrew his hand, just in time to see the arrow hit the package he was just about to grab. Marco looked up, to see a grinning Old Guy, just around the corner, pointing a now-empty bow towards him. His knight, Sir Dashing, seemed to not have noticed the act, distracted as he was by a shelf full of hand-held mirrors.

“What the hell was that for!?” Marco protested.

“Well, partly payback for getting in the way back there with that demon.” The elderly squire shrugged. Then, he seemed to ponder for a second or two, stroking his long beard slowly with his now free hand, even as he held the grip of the bow with the other. “But, mostly, it was a distraction.”

“A dis…” Marco begun to ask.

Then his brain caught up with what had been said, and he turned to look back at his cart. There was something missing. He spotted a weird upwards movement from the corner of his eye, glanced up to follow it, and…

Artax Ed Diaz, as the boy had tentatively named the brown baby horse, was slowly floating away from the basket of their shopping cart and into the sky.

No, not floating, it was dangling, from a surprisingly strong string that ended in a single huge juicy carrot. And it wasn’t going towards the sky, but towards Higgs, who was standing atop the detergent shelf and quickly reeling in the fishing line back. Soon, the mewman girl was cradling Marco’s horse in her arms.

“Thanks for getting this for me, prince. I knew I could count on you for that, so I went ahead and raced to get the best bow first,” she explained. “It’s just like I said, a helpful squire is the best squire.”

Still carrying the baby horse in her arms, Higgs leapt across the aisle Marco was in, landing on the next shelf and, from there, she jumped down the far end. A second later, a smirking Sir Stabby and a cart full of weapons and armor emerged from the next aisle, into the cross-path, joining Old Guy and Sir Dashing, as all four of them raced forward once more, leaving behind a dumbfounded Marco.

“Marco Diaz,” remarked Lavabo, “I do not believe the young lady’s praise to have been sincere.”

Marco sighed. He grabbed a few bags of ‘Merlin’s and Melvin’s’, and then raced after the damn thief of a squire.

He passed by the archery sets’ aisle, only to realize someone had cut the string from all remaining bows. Marco groaned and pushed forward. He was now not only dead set on recovering Artax Ed Diaz, but also on beating Higgs to the stupid dragon repellent, and to everything else after that on the list.

He barely remembered to take the single-aisle detour that it took to get the Bucket of Holding: a simple wooden washbucket which could apparently hold hundreds of gallons of water in a single gallon’s space (without increasing its weight at all after the first gallon either). He still got it first, though. After all, the wash items took priority.

Not that it made it hurt any less when he arrived to the dragon repellent shelves to find a smiling Higgs, leaning on an empty shelf, holding a single spray can.

It seemed like everyone else had gotten there just before the squire. Timore and Nick were already racing back in the opposite direction, and they passed Marco on the way back, followed by Old Guy and Baby Man. For a brief moment, the human boy considered trying to steal the spray cans the later two were holding, as they raced by him. But no, he wouldn’t sink to their level. He let them pass.

Besides the redheaded menace, was the goth girl, already having added a few cans of repellent to her own cart. She was trying to explain something to her knight, a huge scar-covered terror of a man, who held out some sort of hearing aid towards her. As Marco arrived, the two of them began turning their cart around.

“Hey, prince, you want this?” Higgs shouted at him, still standing by the shelves. Apparently, she had stayed behind just to taunt him. From his wooden horse, Sir Stabby grinned approvingly. “Here, you can have it!”

She threw the can at him.

Yeah, right. No way this wasn’t a trick. At this point, Marco was not even half convinced Higgs wasn’t throwing a grenade his way. He had to think fast.

He dug into his pocket, took out the dimensional scissors, and cut a hole right in front of him. The can of dragon repellent fell through the vortex. A second portal opened a few meters ahead of him, between where he was standing and Higgs. That way the can would still fall close enough to him that he could grab it before she could, but far enough to be safe in case it really was a bomb or something.

“What? Seriously? Dimensional Scissors? Come on!” shouted Higgs, annoyed. Marco grinned at her frustration, happy to be getting one up on her for a change, until he realized his own mistake.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t been paying attention to the third squire. The can fell right in front of the goth girl and her knight, as they raced back out of the aisle, towards Marco’s incoming path. The shaken container seemed to rupture as soon as it hit the ground. Fortunately, it didn’t really explode, just cracked, letting out a hissing stream of bright pink gas. So, not a bomb.

The dark-haired girl froze up surprised, glancing apprehensively at the fractured can. It was the first time Marco had a chance to get a good look at her.

She was thin and pale, and her face was measuredly gaunt. Marco couldn’t quite tell if the dark circles under her eyes were some kind of mewnian makeup, the natural effect of an extremely irregular sleep schedule, or a combination of both. He could, however, tell that her squire uniform had been dyed black, possibly with actual charcoal, and ripped up on purpose. The effect was not entirely unlike that of the rips Star had made on her own outfit that one time she tried to go for a punk look (and also attempted to murder a mermaid, but that was beside the point). The goth squire's outfit was further enhanced by a series of black leather belts strewn at odd angles around her legs, arms, and torso, as well as a pair of rough looking leather boots. In her cart, besides her would-be purchases, was the strange iron mandolin.

She coughed a few times under the assault of the pink smoke and glanced back nervously at the other girl, as if asking her what to do now.

Higgs flinched, “Ouch. Crap. Sorry about that Meredith, Sir Scarsguard!” she shouted towards the goth and her mentor, right before grabbing ahold of her own cart and tailing it out of there.

Marco noticed that Higgs was racing away in the opposite direction from him, avoiding the area where the repellent can had burst, rather than going back the same way, like all other squires had done. He also noticed that the goth girl - Meredith, was what Higgs had called her - looked shocked, even afraid.

He had such a bad feeling about this...

That’s when he heard the roars, and the flapping of huge wings. Out from high above the tall shelves, a trio of towering green dragons came barreling in from nowhere, swooping down on a terrified dark haired pale girl and a confused old knight. The girl scrambled to find a small knife from her cart and held it up with trembling hands.

There was a crackle of static, and then yet another bored sloth announcement filled the air. “Apparently, we've got dragons on aisle 14.2... again.”

Wait, ‘again’? Was this somehow a regular occurrence? What the hell was wrong with this place!? Actually, no, it was more like: what the hell wasn’t?

Without thinking, Marco raced towards the other squire and her knight, pushing Sir Lavabo and his own cart ahead of him. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he felt he had somehow dragged them into this, and was not about to let them get hurt. Still, holy crap, dragons!

Marco got there just ahead of the creatures. He swept down and grabbed the can of repellant from the floor. Then, without letting go of his own, he took hold of the handle of Meredith’s cart, and pushed it as hard as he could. It wasn’t so much that he thought he could drag both carts forward, as it was the quickest way he could think of to spur the goth girl herself into action. It was the universal non-verbal cue for ‘Let’s get the fuck out of here, now!’.

She nodded in understanding, and soon both of them were running, side by side, pushing their respective carts and knights. A fierce roar filled the air as three dragons, each the size of a small flying house, gave chase.

“Woah, what’s going on!?” Marco asked, not daring to slow down to look back. “Those dragons sure sound angry…”

“That’s not ‘angry’...” the goth girl shouted back. Her voice was a bit rough, particularly in contrast with what Marco had expected from her small frame, and it had a hesitant note of embarrassment to it.

“What do you mean that’s not angry?” Marco asked. “They're still following us! That repellent must really make them mad!”

“That’s not repellent! Higgs switched the labels. That was dragon attractant!”

Marco blinked. Dragon attractant? Who the hell would want dragon attractant? What the hell even was ‘dragon attractant’? Well, other than obviously the opposite of dragon repellent? Why did Quest Buy even sell that? Seriously, screw this place!

Wait, dragon attractant, as in...

“Then, that roar at the end was…” he started to ask.

“... a mating call!” the goth girl confirmed, clearly irritated at having to spell it out for him.

Crap!

“Wait, how do you know about the labels?” Marco asked, as they both doubled a corner, the dragons behind them stumbling briefly against a shelf full of cannon balls.

A thunderous cacophony of crashing metal weights against the floor muffled her response.

“What!?” Marco asked again.

“I said: Higgs told us the plan. Well, most of us, not the demon or the geek, though,” Meredith confirmed his suspicions. Marco frowned. Well, glad to know he hadn’t gotten an innocent bystander involved, just another jerkass squire like Higgs or Old Guy. “It sounded like a great prank at the time, and, you gotta admit, dragons are pretty rad.”

Marco wasn’t sure he could agree with that statement at the moment.

“Look, obviously it isn’t nearly as funny when you are on the receiving end,” she pointed out. “But don’t worry. Nothing really bad will happen to us, I swear, or my name is not Morticia-Gehenna-Lethia-Symphonia!”

“I thought your name was Meredith!”

There were a few moments of silence after that, eventually interrupted by a growl and the sound of talons scratching the stone floor not too far behind them.

“Look, prin… ugh, Marco. Dragons have senses other than smell. They will give up on the, um, mating part, as soon as they figure out we are mewman,” she reassured him.

“And then?” Marco asked, annoyed. “Will they just calmly go away?”

“Well, maybe,” Meredith answered. She seemed to think for a moment. “There is a small chance they will try to eat us. Depends on how hungry they are...”

Marco groaned. “Sir Lavabo, we don’t have much time. Throw something from the cart at them so there’s more distance between us!”

Lavabo turned towards Marco in surprise. “I’m afraid I cannot do that, Marco Diaz. Putting aside the supreme importance of these items, this is a trial for squires. Assisting you is out of the question. My sole duty today is to sit here and observe how you can handle this predicament.”

Seriously? Even if said predicament included both of them being crushed by lovestruct dragons? Marco was about to argue back, when Lavabo simply turned to the other knight.

“Ah, Sir Scarsguard, doesn’t this bring memories?” he remarked. “They don’t make them like they used to, right? Dragons, I mean.”

“Drag… on?” asked the (somehow older) knight, pressing his hearing aid closer. “The wait does drag on a bit. Do you know if the race is starting soon?” he asked, obliviously. Even Lavabo didn’t seem to quite have a response to that.

Geez, did the concept of retirement even exist in Mewni! Nevermind, Marco had more pressing problems right now.

He realized he was still holding the can of dragon attractant. Well, maybe there was still enough of the stuff in there to…

He stopped, then turned back. Right in front of him was the huge open maw of one of the dragons. He aimed the nozzle towards it, and pressed the button, showering the creature with the spray. When no more would come out of the can, he chucked it right at the beast’s looming throat, forcing it to stop for a moment and spit it out.

The dragon looked confused at first, then its eyes narrowed as it glared at Marco. It let out a growl that was unlike any the young squire had heard before. Now, this was what an angry dragon sounded like. It opened its mouth towards the human once again and bared its teeth.

Unfortunately for the creature, however, that was when two of its fellows fell atop of it, roaring excitedly.

Marco smiled. His gamble had paid off!

Then, a second later, his satisfied expression turned into one of shocked embarrassment, as he considered what he was now looking at.

“Ah, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo remarked. “While the breeding habits of the common green dragon are indeed remarkable, might I recommend getting back to our current quest.”

“What’s that about a guest!?” shouted back Sir Scarsguard.

Right.

Marco and Meredith took off from there, pushing their two knights, and soon emerged out into the main path again, only to be confronted by an snickering Higgs and Old Man, as they added the last few good helmets to their own carts.

“Oh, hey, prince. So, quick question, is Meredith here a step down from dating the princess or a step up from dating a dragon?” Higgs quipped.

Marco was about to point out he hadn’t dated any of the three, when the goth girl interrupted.

“Oh, hey, Higgs, thank for all the help back there… not!” she shot back, clearly annoyed.

“Aw, come on, Meredith, you finally got to see dragons up close, and got saved by our very own resident prince charming,” the redhead shrugged. “Isn’t that the stuff of songs?”

“Hack songs, maybe,” grumbled the dark haired girl. “In my songs, the dragon would be bigger, and would only be conquered after a battle the likes of which would paint the skies red with blood… Marco here would have lost an arm to the beast, and I, as the pure maiden in distress, would have been… You know what? Not the point!” she stopped herself, embarrassed.

“Wow, that… actually sounds epic,” Higgs goaded her on. “Why don’t you give it a try. I am sure our prince would love to hear such a song about him!”

Marco wasn’t so sure about that. And now was hardly the time. There was still a race going on!

No one else seemed to share Marco’s sentiment, however, as the goth girl looked elated at Higg’s suggestion, so much so that she seemed to forget that the other girl had left her to deal with three damn dragons just a few minutes ago.

“Alright then,” Meredith exclaimed, pulling out her iron mandolin. “Be prepared to feast your ears on this!”

“Oh, don’t worry, we are,” Higgs remarked. Marco noticed she was grinning. It was not a good grin.

Old Man was grinning too, and they both seemed to be rummaging their pockets for something. Sir Stabby and Sir Dashing followed. Were those… ear plugs?

Meredith inhaled deeply, coughed, and began to strum her mandolin like she wanted to rip the metal-wire strings out of it. The iron instrument made a loud screeching noise, which was only matched by the vocal cords of its owner.

“MUR-DEER of DraGOOONS!

Descending like vultures, RIPping, deVOURing!

The flesh of the WARiors, the maiden’s LAAMeeeeent!

She crieees out foooor…

DEATH. DEATH! DEAAAAAATH!!”

Ugh. Not only did that have nothing to do with what the two of them had just been through, but that song was literally painful to hear, on so many levels. It was as if that girl had taken pitch lessons from Oskar, had all of Ruberiot’s sense of lyrical propriety, and wasn’t so much playing a guitar as running a shrieking hippopotamus through a gigantic metal blender.

Her voice alone had fell from her already surprisingly deep default to a stream of guttural raving cries that somehow made the tiny mewman sound like a drunk viking, or what Marco imagined a drunk viking would sound like.

“MUR-DEER of DraGOOONS!

A heRO is drAWN, by crieees of despAIR!

The maiden’s BLOOD, calling for Revengeeeee!

He brings fists, iron, aaaand...

DEATH. DEATH! DEAAAAAATH!!”

“Marco Diaz, we are experiencing unconventional tactics!” Lavabo shouted over the noise. The old knight was covering his own ears with his hands, and Marco suddenly realized he was doing the same. “May I recommend a strategic retreat?”

Lavabo didn’t have to say it twice. Marco took hold of the cart’s handlebar and pushed away from there, as fast as he could, only caring about the particular direction after they had gotten far away enough from the eardrum-rupturing screams. It suddenly made sense that this girl had been paired with a deaf knight, as Sir Scarsguard seemed to be the only one who hadn’t been bothered at all by her singing.

The hours that followed were a brutal trial of Marco’s resolve to complete both lists. Higgs seemed to be always one step ahead of him, and it felt like the very aisles of Quest Buy conspired against him.

He would, for example, succeed in grabbing a magical washing sponge from Lavabo’s laundry items list, just to find out that the slight detour meant that, by the time he had gotten to the shield’s shelf, Higgs had flung the last three remaining bucklers into a nearby aisle containing nothing but potted carnivorous plants. True, he got a ratty old shield in the end, but he also got bitten and scratched at by ferocious shrubbery that had no explainable reason to be a purchasable item.

Getting armor oil for the Wash took crossing a kraken petting zoo, which he had to brave twice, as the first time around Higgs appeared out of nowhere to shoot the oil can from his hand and into the huge pool with a well timed arrow. Also, when Quest Buy said “petting” zoo, it meant you could indeed pet the monstrous cephalopods, but only as long as you hadn’t grown too attached to having two hands or remaining un-strangled.

Trying to outsmart her, Marco had attempted a shortcut to get to the battleaxes. Unfortunately for him, said shortcut passed through the aisle hosting Quest Buy’s huge selection of poison darts, where Marco barely managed to avoid all the flying 'free samples’. Those still managed to delay him long enough that everyone else had gotten first pick at the weapons. All that remained for him to grab was a dull iron ax.

Then there was that time he turned around into a hallway at top speed, only to find himself right in front of a yellow “Caution: No floor” sign, and a dark bottomless drop only a step ahead. Also, the time Timore had to bail him from a cascade of sand in the “Egyptian Cotton, All Essentials and More” section. Plus the time he had to rush to the earmuffs section because Meredith somehow had gotten hold of the sloths’ PA system and was intent on giving them all a sample of her ballad about the Forest of Certain Death (or, rather: DEAAAAAATH!).

By the end of it, Marco was tired, sore, and about to explode with irritation. Higgs seemed intent on making his life a living hell, and she had thrown everything at him but the kitchen sink, and that was only because the home decor section of Quest Buy was roughly 50 miles away.

The squire had managed to get nearly every item in the laundry shopping list. But, as for standard knight equipment, the redhead had basically seen to it that Marco and his mentor ended up with, at best, substandard equipment, and at worst, nothing at all, for each of the categories.

“Worry not, Marco Diaz,” Lavabo reassured him. “You have fought honorably today, and we haven’t failed on our primary duty. The worth of a knight is often measured by the caliber of his opponents, and this Higgs of yours is a formidable rival indeed...”

“Or perhaps, laundryman, it just comes to show that a pity-case squire can’t measure up to the real thing,” a smug voice remarked behind them, as a shopping cart chock-full of the best weapons and armor money could buy (‘at steep, once in a lifetime, discounts!’) passed them by, not for the first time. Sir Stabby grinned triumphantly.

Say what you will about the jerk, but he seemed genuinely proud of Higgs. Birds of a feather and all that…

“Ready to call it quits, prince?” Higgs taunted Marco. “Going to tell your princess ex-girlfriend that being a squire is too tough, after all? Maybe she can offer you a job more suitable to your abilities, like ‘palace buttler’”

Marco’s fists clenched around the handle of his cart. You know what? Screw honor, and fairness, and even showing them someone worth respecting. He wanted to wipe that smug grin from her face so much. He wanted to, to…

“What is your goddamn problem!?” he shouted, letting go of his cart. “You don’t like me? Fine. I don’t much care for you either! But you could have just gone ahead of me the entire race. Instead, you have constantly gone out of your way to screw me over. I have done nothing to you! Not a thing. But you don’t care, do you!? You just want to pick a fight. Fine, you got it!”

He adopted a karate stance. This wasn’t what the Squire Blowout competition was about. But Marco just didn’t care anymore. He was that angry.

Higgs smiled calmly at him, shrugged, let go of her cart, and cracked her knuckles.

“Marco Diaz, this isn’t proper duel etiquette for a squire of the Order of the Wash…” began Sir Lavabo.

“Crush that washboy, Higgs!” demanded Sir Stabby.

A small crowd of onlookers was beginning to form. While a few of them were random shoppers, the majority of them were Mewni’s own squires and knights. The young squires made no attempt to hide their excitement at what was occurring. They wanted to see a brawl, and based on the name they were shouting in unison, there was a clear favorite.

The only ones who showed any concern for Marco were Nick and Timore. Lady Jaya could also be seen behind them. She neither displayed a look of disappointment or approval at the scene, just a curious expression that wondered if Marco really had what it took to go through with this.

Marco felt that lightning and thunder should have erupted around them at that moment, to mark their final showdown. Instead, the persistent crackling static of the PA system went out and, rather than thunderclap, they got the monotonous voice of the bored sloth announcer.

“Attention Quest Buy shoppers, we are, um, excited to announce that, uh, a special item has been added to the Squire Blowout Sale. For this year’s event only, we are offering a...” there was a pause, and the sound of rummaging through papers, “... 99.5% additional discount on our vorpal swords. We have...” more rummaging, “... one item in stock in this category. Aisle 13.9. That’s all.”

It was as if, in that moment, both Higgs and Marco’s brains were one and the same. Both of them ran back to their respective carts, spun them around, and began racing as fast as they could towards aisle 13.9. Forget a fistfight, Marco could only imagine the pleasure of beating his nemesis to the final and most exclusive item of them all. He would show her, he would show them all!

Fortunately, Marco’s cart was originally closer to the main path, which meant he started in the lead by default. Unfortunately, Baby Man and Old Guy’s carts had been even further back towards said main path, which meant both of them were ahead of him. Strangely, instead of racing ahead of the squire of the Wash, the two squires seemed to be heading towards him. They seemed, in fact, to be converging from both sides to a position just ahead of his own, trying to block his path.

“No! Let him pass!” yelled a voice behind him. “I don’t need any help to beat that pampered idiot!”

Looking somewhat surprised, the two bullies obeyed Higgs’ command and let Marco through. Other squires were either too far behind now, or had, upon seeing the expressions in Higgs’ and Marco’s faces, decided that they’d rather not get in between the two of them. It was clear to Marco then that at the end of the day, the sword would belong to one of them, and there was only one outcome he was willing to accept.

True to her boast, the redhead was quick to catch up to Marco. For a moment they were side by side, with him barely managing to push the cart fast enough to keep her from fully overtaking him.

Suddenly, Higgs veered inwards and pushed Marco away with the side of her own fully-loaded cart, using its mass against him. He swerved to avoid the brunt of the impact, and then pushed himself harder to catch up, coming behind the redhead with a fierce karate chop aimed directly at her head. Higgs ducked, but Marco used the chance to slam his cart into hers, pushing her out of the way and getting ahead in their race towards the exclusive sword. Payback, too, was a bitch.

“Marco Diaz, I am not sure that is quite the way one should treat a fellow squire…” begun Lavabo. An instant later, an arrow flew by the two of them, and Marco swerved abruptly to avoid it. Both squire and knight turned back, to see a furious Higgs holding her bow with one hand and tensing the string with her mouth as she pushed her cart with the remaining free hand. As she readied yet another arrow, she was also quickly catching up to the two of them. “Although, it is quite possible that I am mistaken in this matter,” the older knight admitted.

“Aim lower!” Sir Stabby gleefully advised his charge.

Despite having to swerve again and again to avoid the incoming projectiles, Marco was able to keep a very modest lead. That is, at least, until they turned around into Aisle 13.9 and the path literally ended for all four of them.

Aisle 13.9, it turned out, was not so much an aisle, as it was a deep water canal in between two sets of half-submerged shelves. The underwater racks carried shells and other such aquatic items, but no swords of any kind. Instead, hanging on a solid stone wall at the end of the aisle, a glowing neon arrow sign pointed down, towards a fully submerged cavern entrance. Above the sign was a cartoony picture of an arm holding a sword made entirely of fluorescent blue lights. The sword had big eyes and a doopey smiley face drawn on it. Ugh, Marco hoped that wasn’t what the vorpal sword actually looked like.

He had stopped his cart, and was beginning to remove his trademark red hoodie, when a shadow passed flying right over him. He looked up to see Higgs, who had somehow vaulted over him, and was now in the process of executing a perfect olympic dive into the water, fully dressed. Darn it!

Without bothering with taking out anything but the hoodie, Marco jumped into the narrow canal as well, following his rival. He was already angry at himself for wasting time and for having let her get ahead of him. His annoyance only grew when he realized the squire girl was actually a pretty damn good swimmer too. Even worse, they seemed to be swimming against a fairly strong current, which favored the girl’s stronger arms and legs.

As pissed as he was towards her as a person, he had to admit a grudging level of respect for the girl’s athletic skills. Hell, she might even qualify as cool, if she weren’t such a…

“What’s the matter, prince? Missing your floaties?“ she yelled back, right before she disappeared into the cave ahead of the human boy.

Marco swam as fast as he could towards the end of the aisle, lifted his head to take a deep long breath and, without pausing to consider the risks, dived into the underwater cave after the other squire. As hard as he tried, it seemed like he couldn’t quite catch up with Higgs there. It took all he had just to keep advancing against the rapid flow inside the cave. But as long as he could keep her close in sight, he still had a chance.

There was another problem, though, and that was the fact that there was no air inside the long tunnel. Not only had the entrance to the cavern been submerged, but the entirety of the passageway beyond was underwater. Some source of light was visible on the other side, but Marco wasn’t sure he would be able to hold his breath long enough to reach it, particularly as the current pushed against them between every stroke.

Crap. Would he die here? Drowning in a dumb Quest Buy submerged aisle, trying to win a sword just to show up an annoying girl he had just met? When you put it that way...

A huge spiky spiral seashell came rushing at him through the flowing water, and Marco had to dive further down just to avoid it. He looked up, through stinging, water-filled eyes, and saw the blurry form of Higgs pushing even more crap out of the submerged shelves, letting the current push them towards him.

Ok, that did it! She was so going down!

Marco ignored the burning sensation of his air-starved lungs. He dived further down towards the floor of the aisle, where the current was the weakest, and swam as fast as he could. Eventually, he saw some light filtering through the water from directly above, and pushed up against the sandy bottom with his feet. He came up and took a big, long, urgent, breath.

Somehow, they had ended up in the middle of a huge circular lake, surrounded on all sides by tall walls of Quest Buy shelves. In the middle of the lake was an extremely detailed statue of a woman, made of white marble, and submerged almost entirely under the water. Only its right arm rose above the surface, and in that arm’s closed hand, the statue held the golden hilt of a magnificent sword.

The blade seemed to Marco to emit a soft blue glow, but it could be the effect of the Quest Buy bizarre fluorescent lamps reflecting on the lake’s cerulean surface. At any rate, Marco was thankful that the vorpal sword was far more dignified than the neon advertisement had implied.

However, Marco didn’t have much time to admire the prize, as Higgs was already swimming towards it.

He followed behind, swimming as fast as he could. But, he soon realized, there was no way he could out-race the girl here, not if he had to play fair. She was stronger than he was, she swam faster than he did, and she was already ahead of him. The only thing that he could really do, was to try and outsmart her.

Marco pulled the dimensional scissors from his pocket. Suddenly relieved that they hadn’t fallen out as he swam and gotten dragged away by the current.

He stopped swimming. There was no point in racing the other squire. He actually didn’t have to get to where the sword currently was before Higgs did. He just had to grab it before she could reach it. He had line of sight. All he really had to do was to open a portal between where he was and the statue hand, take the blade from its display, and pull it back towards him through the dimensional vortex.

He had to do it quickly, though. Higgs was getting close to the goal.

Marco opened the portal and… a fist-sized rock came out flying from it.

He dodged, letting the current drag him ever so slightly, and turning to look at the other end of the portal. Floating besides the hilt of the blade, was a small swirling orange and gold vortex, just as expected. The redhead girl was swimming towards it as fast as she could. Her determined eyes fixed on the portal and the sword.

Marco swam back to his side of the dimensional opening and, without taking his eyes off from Higgs, pushed his hand through the portal once more to grab the sword.

The other squire seemed to notice this. Fast as lightning, Higgs took another swimming stroke, and opened her hand. That’s when Marco noticed that she had been swimming with her fists clenched, holding a rock on each of them, likely at least since they reached the lake, maybe since back in the tunnel.

Marco realized that Higgs had seen the scissors before, back with the whole dragon attractant stunt. She had obviously taken those into account and formulated a plan ahead of time. She had counted on him using them. She had counted on him... cheating. And, well, she hadn’t been wrong.

The second flying stone failed to hit his hand, but it still made Marco pull it back through the portal. At the same time, the other squire reached forward with her other hand and grabbed hold of the vorpal sword’s hilt, right under where the marble fist closed against it.

Slowly, the statue’s hand opened up, handing the weapon to its new owner.

Higgs turned around to give Marco a triumphant grin. The human boy was, quite frankly, speechless.

Suddenly, there was a huge rumble, and the previously tranquil lake surface seemed to explode with motion all of a sudden. The water rose up in a heightening burst, which seemed to be centered where the statue holding the sword had been. Higgs was the first to disappear underneath, her entire form swallowed by a tsunami-like wave. An instant later, the wave reached Marco. He briefly lost all sense of direction, of up and down, as the wave threw him around like a rag doll.

Somehow, they both crashed on a sandy shore. Strewn around the place were coconut trees, beautiful seashells, and single shelves full of Quest Buy merchandise just seemingly growing up randomly on the beach. On the far shore, he could see the waves crashing over the walls of much more densely packed shelves separating the strange lake from the rest of the store. The barrier did block the flood somewhat, but plenty of water managed to go over even the tallest shelves.

Once again, the PA system broke its usual static to bring them the voice of the sloth, “Attention staff. We seem to have a spill in aisles 13 to, um, 84.”

Through the confusion, Marco saw Higgs, holding the sword, slowly getting up from the sand, smiling victoriously, even as she dusted the sand off of her hair and wet clothes.

“I… I… I did it!” she stated, fighting to recover her own breath. For a second, she looked genuinely happy and surprised.

Then, her cheerful smile turned into the smug grin Marco was more familiar with.

“I win, prince. Even with your magic scissor bullshit. Even with that undeserved advantage, I win!” she shouted. “Did the princess also give you those, by the way? Do you even know how valuable those are? What they really mean for those who truly do earn them?”

“I…” Marco did know, actually.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Because even with that, I won! I was faster, stronger, smarter than you! And I got here on my own!” she shouted. At some point, she had gone from gloating to yelling in anger.

Marco felt confused at that. In the end, she wasn’t wrong. That trick with the rocks had been quite clever, and the fact was, she had been winning the race itself either way at that point.

But he wondered why it was so important for her to win. He knew why he wanted to show her up, and he was disappointed he hadn’t managed to do that, but what was it to her? Clearly, it wasn’t just about the sword.

For the first time, Marco wondered about Higgs motivations. Not why she hated him. He had asked himself that enough times, and he thought he understood the answer, unfair as it was. Rather, why did she feel she had this much to prove?.

“You know what?” Marco said. “Yeah. You won. Congratulations.”

He didn’t like admitting it. But what else was he going to say? He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of showing himself to be a sore loser. All he could do now was go back to where Sir Lavabo and their shopping cart were.

That was when he saw it. A small poster pinned against a coconut tree, half-smudged by the wave that had deposited them both here. Still, clearly visible in the poster, was an arrow, and a palm tree. A palm tree, inside a poster, nailed to a palm tree.

And not just any palm tree. A palm tree with a hole roughly the size of a person’s head, and two holes roughly the size of a person’s arms. A palm tree costume. Star’s palm tree costume!

To hell with vorpal swords and bows and horses! Marco had forgotten what was really important here, and that was to get his bestie the present she had asked for! He had been so wrapped up in the competition, and in what the other squires thought of him, that he had forgotten his plan to chat with Star. He had all the Wash items, after all. So the second priority wasn’t the knight items, it was the gift for his friend.

“So, what are you going to do now, prince?” asked Higgs. “Are you going to use those dimensional scissors to go back home to your own dimension? Are you going to go complain to the princess? Are you going to go hide in the castle basement with Lavabo until the year is over?”

“I, am going to go buy a silly costume,” Marco pointed out smiling. Then turned around, and began walking towards the center of the island, following the direction of the poster’s arrow.

He so wished he could have seen Higgs’ reaction to that one. Then again, not seeing her reaction was the whole point. Sure, he had “lost”, but, walking away from her long victory rant, to go get what was important to him, felt a lot like winning.

Unfortunately, such self-congratulatory smugness lasted Marco only as long as it took for Higgs to come running past him.

“Uh. What are you doing?” he asked her.

She turned around and grinned, showing Marco the palm tree ad poster. She held it in her left hand, while the right still held the vorpal sword. “I am going to buy myself a silly costume, of course!”

“Wait, what? Why!?” Marco said before immediately chasing after her.

“Because you want it, prince.”