



Dir. James Cummins





A small scale zombie flick that doesn’t really follow too many zombie movie mechanics, so it’s really more of a creature feature/monster movie if you care about semantics, The Boneyard is a fun romp through a mortuary if you can make it past the first half of it. The film begins with two detectives breaking into what appears to be a derelict house. The younger detective (who looks like Hoover from Animal House) encounters a blanketed figure who smacks him with a pillow; so naturally he pulls out his gun. It’s the kind of overreaction that would be funny if policing in America weren’t what it is today. Anyways we learn that the figure, and owner of the house, is Alley, a medium the detectives want to recruit to help them solve a child murder case. Alley, having been scarred by the last child murder case, initially refuses, but later accepts after having a dream about a decrepit zombie girl giving her a hug. After we learn that prime suspect Chen has told police that the dead children in question are actually ancient demons his family have been feeding for generations to quell their fury (spoiler: he’s telling the truth), Alley and the detectives head to the local morgue to deal with the ornery attendant Ms. Poopinplatz (Phyllis Diller) before getting trapped in the basement with the ravenous ghouls.





Once the action gets going, it really doesn’t stop till the end credits roll. The makeup on the monsters is actually pretty creepy looking, and their small stature is such that they’re unnerving, but not too small as to be more silly than scary a la Child’s Play or Puppetmaster. We don’t get much gore, but there is quite a lot of green gooey mess lest behind in the ways the creatures are dispatched. I don’t know why, but goo always grosses me out more than blood and guts. There are also a couple larger monsters at the end that look too cartoonish to be scary, but their practicality still adds a dose of fun creative energy. If all this sounds like a pretty good time at the movies (or in front of your TV), it is. It’s just unfortunate that it takes so long to get to that point.





The Boneyard’s 90 minute runtime, about 40 are spent setting up the story, but it’s mostly just bland exposition dump that we don’t really need, though there is some characterization that’s usually lacking in these types of movies, and that’s appreciated by me at least. The banter with Phyllis Diller is kind of fun. She doesn’t phone it in as you might expect an old star out of the limelight and slumming it in a DTV horror movie to do. It feels like she genuinely wants to be there and is actually game for some gross gooey mayhem later in the film. And that’s really nice, almost heartwarming. Alley’s zombie dream in the first act is cool. It’s a creepy and atmospheric scene that this movie could have used more of as a way of building up to the main event. But we don’t get to much of that slow build, piling on dread before the action gets into gear. It’s mostly a lot of talk. And since the movie doesn’t really take the slow burn approach properly (maybe not even intentionally), monster madness should really be in full swing by minute 30 at the latest. It’s not necessarily a chore to sit through that first half, it’d just be nice if the movie’s runtime were optimized for maximum creature screen time. Still if you’re someone who’s a fan of creature features and practical effects (and why wouldn’t you be), or someone who want’s to see Norman Fell (Three’s Company) do his best cosplay of Of90 minute runtime, about 40 are spent setting up the story, but it’s mostly just bland exposition dump that we don’t really need, though there is some characterization that’s usually lacking in these types of movies, and that’s appreciated by me at least. The banter with Phyllis Diller is kind of fun. She doesn’t phone it in as you might expect an old star out of the limelight and slumming it in a DTV horror movie to do. It feels like she genuinely wants to be there and is actually game for some gross gooey mayhem later in the film. And that’s really nice, almost heartwarming. Alley’s zombie dream in the first act is cool. It’s a creepy and atmospheric scene that this movie could have used more of as a way of building up to the main event. But we don’t get to much of that slow build, piling on dread before the action gets into gear. It’s mostly a lot of talk. And since the movie doesn’t really take the slow burn approach properly (maybe not even intentionally), monster madness should really be in full swing by minute 30 at the latest. It’s not necessarily a chore to sit through that first half, it’d just be nice if the movie’s runtime were optimized for maximum creature screen time. Still if you’re someone who’s a fan of creature features and practical effects (and why wouldn’t you be), or someone who want’s to see Norman Fell () do his best cosplay of Floyd from Electric Mayhem (and why wouldn’t you be), you should at least mildly enjoy The Boneyard.







