AUSTIN, TX—Deeply lamenting the loss of young Mark Anthony Conditt, the precocious yet thoughtful go-getter with a penchant for politics, city officials confirmed Thursday that the true Austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid. “What our investigation is attempting to determine is this: Who’s the real terrorist here? And all the evidence points to it being everyone who refused to recognize the brilliance existing deep inside this sensitive, socially concerned young man,” said Austin Police Chief Brian Manley at a press conference, during which officials distributed a report listing multiple instances of the greater Austin community failing to nurture the vision and talent of the budding young genius, an oversight at least as dangerous as the series of bombs that left two dead and several others injured last week. “Everything we learned from his neighbors indicates that this undeniably special young man displayed all the classic signs of someone out to make his mark on this world, and that we did nothing to protect his future is the biggest tragedy we’ve had in Texas for a long time. And the worst part is that we are, all of us, to blame for his loss.” Manley refused to take questions, instead urging the people of Austin to question themselves after taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

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