“You ready for this?”

“Aye, if the world ain’t real, I don’t give two shits about being ready,” Johnny said through his drunken daze. Weird how we were really excited to be part of frat next semester.

“Three, two, one!” yelled our self-proclaimed leader. Clyde kicked the van door, but it didn’t budge. Johnny started laughing and I could see Clyde holding back tears.

“Here ma'am, let me get that for you,” I said with a smile.

“Fuck off,” Clyde retorted as I opened the door. I could still hear Johnny laughing.

We sprinted through the empty street, the night wind lightly whipping our faces.

“202, 205, Bam! There’s 207!” yelled Johnny.

“Shut the fuck up J, we’re trying to be stealthy here,” I said in a hushed tone. We crouched under the brush, and readied our selves to storm the castle. I pulled out the gun from my waistband, taking in a deep breath as I studied the instrument of destruction.

“Nobody’s gonna believe that’s a real gun,” Clyde said.

“Yeah? Well, thank you for mentioning that when we were planning this thing.”

“What kinda planning you talking ‘bout? We heard the world ain’t real, and then we thought that we gonna go kidnap this bitch.”

“Whose dumb idea was this, anyways?”

“Clyde, you’re a retard. This was all your goddamn idea,” I said through rolling eyes. I always did love to blame others for my mistakes. Silence overtook the night and the sounds of a gulping whiskey bottle quietly echoed throughout the street.

“Yo J, pass that shit over.”

Johnny threw me the bottle and after downing some gulps, I passed it to Clyde. The alcohol burned my throat, but left a warm sensation in my stomach.

“Alright, Bravo team. Let’s move out.”

We crouched low, making our way past the brush and towards the back wall.

“When the fuck did we start calling ourselves Bravo team? I wanna be called the Super Sexy Awesome Squad,” Johnny whispered

“You know? That’s actually not bad,” I replied through snickers

“Yeah, it rolls off the tongue n everythin,” Johnny was starting to slur. We reached the wall and stared up at the 6 foot high barrier.

“Alright Bravo, how are we going to climb this thing?”

“Shutup Clyde, no one wanna be called Bravo team.”

“Whatever J, you’re a drunken idiot anyways. Now, I think we sho-” Johnny socked him across the face and Clyde fell onto the ground.

“Oh shit,” I said between laughs.

Clyde stayed sprawled on the grass, unmoving.

“Dude, you killed Clyde.”

“He ain’t dead, were in a simalatu or whatever. Cmon, man. Use your head for once,” Johnny said as he battled gravity.

“Alright, I got an idea. Let’s throw Clyde over the wall, then we can get ourselves over,” I said.

“Wait, use your head? I got it, I’ll just ram the wall down.”

“Seriously?” I asked, but my question fell on closed ears. He stepped back a couple of steps, and started to run. He took maybe two steps before he fell and skidded his face on the mud.

“Well, that was a great plan, and it turned out pretty well, but can we try mine now?” I asked as I helped him up.

“It worked well?” he asked, mud dripping off his face.

“Yeah dude, you tore that wall a new asshole.”

“But then what’s this wall?”

“Oh this is the second wall. And we tried your plan on the first wall, so I think it’s only fair that we use my plan for this wall, you know?”

“Yeah, that sounds fair. So what’s the plan?”

“We throw Clyde over the fence, and then we climb over the wall ourselves.”

“Ha, you dumbshit. That’s not a fence. That’s a wall.”

I sighed and grabbed Clyde’s wrists. J grabbed his ankles and we started to swing him. Once we reached enough speed, we let go. Clyde flew through the air and hit the wall with a thud, falling into the mud in a crumpled mess.

“Well, great plan Dr. Genius! Fuck it dude, I’m gonna ram this bad boy.”

“No, wait!” I said, stalling.

“Wait for what?” he asked as I noticed the potted plant.

“Maybe we just flip this baby over and use it to climb the desk?”

“Its a wall, Professor Churchill!”

“Since you’re clearly the smart one here, you wouldn’t mind setting that up, now would you?”

“Pfff, watch the master at work. Obama ain’t got nothin on me.”

“None of your references make sense,” I said.

“Yeah? Well, fuck you!” the genius said as he began to remove the plant from the pot. He positioned our step next to the wall and after taking a few steps back, marveled at his new creation.

“Hey, Mr. Inventor guy. Use your muscles to throw Clyde over.”

He grabbed the rag doll and slung him over his shoulder. He used the step and threw Clyde over the Six foot fence. J gave me a salute and climbed over as well. I walked over and started to climb the wall. I stopped at the top and surveyed the area. The mansion surrounded itself with a giant lawn, dotted with trees and shrubs. I looked down and saw two bodies lying on the floor.

“You alright J?” I asked, jumping off the wall.

Inaudible dialogue reached my ears as I helped up my roommate.

“We gotta hurry, she might have dogs around here.”

“Don’t worry, mate. I’ll just use my head,” he said with a drunken smile.

“Oh damn, I think I hear them coming. Grab Clyde and let’s run!”

“Let’s go dude!” Johnny yelled as he picked up our fallen friend and ran towards the mansion. I shook my head, and with a sly smile, jogged after them. With a sudden realization, I stopped and reached into my backpack. I grabbed my friend Jack D, and now content, continued jogging with my friends.

About half way towards the mansion, I hear a sound that beat my heart with an iron fist.

“Bloody hell, did you hear that barking?”

“When the fuck you become Irish?”

“Fuck off dude, just run!”

“No shit, Watson.”

“Stop referencing shit, you never do it right!” I said in between gasping breaths. I could hear the barking getting closer and closer as we reached a door.

“Open it man, like fuck dude.”

“Do you not see me trying? This shit’s locked.”

“Move, let me try!”

J shoved me out of the way to try his non-existent luck. I turned towards the sound of barking and saw a sprinting German Shepherd. 30 feet away. Shit, what the hell do I do? 20 feet away. What the hell do I do? 10 feet away. Oh god. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The dog lunged at me with a gaping jaw, and I swung my friend Jack. The bottle smashed upon the dog’s face as it collided with my body. I fell to the ground and the dog landed a few feet away.

I let out a breath and stared at the night sky. If I had died then what would’ve happened? We all knew we were in a simulation, but we still didn’t know what the other side held. Live life without risk was our new plan, but maybe we should’ve listened to the news a bit more before embarking on this crazy quest.

A hand appeared above me, and I grabbed it. With J’s help, I got off the ground and wiped the dust from my clothes. We walked over to the dog, and stood over its lifeless body.

“That’s fucked up, dude. You killed a dog,” he said, still holding Clyde over his shoulder.

“It was about to kill me.”

“But still dude, you killed a dog. That’s not cool.”

I sighed and looked at the glass door. Apparently it was open, a cracked hole by the doorknob.

“So, how’d you get it open?” I asked.

“Simple dude, I used my head,” he said with a bright smile.

I opened my mouth to say something, but decided against it. I noticed small drops of crimson ran down his face. I simply shook my head and I walked into the mansion.

“Alright, this place is huge. Let’s leave Clyde here to guard the doorway and we’ll split up and search the house for the bedroom.”

“You’re really good at plans, dude,” Johnny said as he slumped Clyde onto a chair.

My hushed steps quietly moved to the stairs while the stomps of elephants’ moved the opposite way. I sighed, and started to climb the elegant stairs. I had not elevated past five pasts, when I heard him holler.

“Come here, I found it!”

I jumped off the stairs, and dashed towards the origin of the words. I slid to a stop on the polished floors, and saw my friend peering into a fridge.

“Dude, what kinda fruit is this? Its fuckin great,” he said as he chowed down on a reddish-greenish ball.

“Cm'on man, you gotta focus.”

“Shutup and try this shit, dude,” he said and flung the ball at me. I reluctantly took a bite, and an explosion of amazing engulfed my mouth. I walked over to the fridge and peered inside as well. I grabbed a purplish smoothie type thing and started to slurp it down. Drunk minds think hungry thoughts I guess.

“Wait, stop. We aren’t here to fuckin eat. We need to find Scarlet Johanssen.”

“Oh really? Well, I guess I found her. She’s right behind you.”

I turned around and there she was. Her fiery hair matched with the fire in her eyes. Her smooth arms clutching a baseball bat. Her amazing body draped in a purple nightgown.

“What the hell are you guys doing?” she asked.

“I’m eating you blind fuck.”

“Hi,” was all I could say. I wanted to look her in the eyes when I talked, but something below her neck held my gaze.

“Well, why the hell are you in my house? I know my security isn’t here because of the world isn’t real bullshit, but I can still take both of you. An you can’t just walk in here and eat my food.”

“I’m already eating your food……bitch,” he said with his mouth full.

“Hi,” I said as I continued to stare. I managed to weakly wave my hand.

“What the hell is wrong with you people?” she screamed.

“I’m just politely eating. You’re the one yelling at me for no reason.”

“Hi,” I said again, this time getting in a smile and a wave.

“AHHHHH!” she screamed and dropped the baseball bat. She started to dance all weird. I got really excited, figuring it was some sort of Hollywood mating dance. However, my face fell when I saw the knife protruding out of her back. I looked back to where she was standing and noticed a dark figure.

“What the fuck Clyde?!? Did you just stab Scarlet Johanssen?” I yelled at him.

“AHHHHHH!” she continued to scream and dance.

“Mission accomplished guys!” Clyde said with a bright smile.

“AHHHHH!”

“We weren’t here to kill her, you idiot!”

“AHHHHH!”

“Oh really? Then why were we here?”

“AHHHHH!” and then bam! Her screams were silenced when a baseball bat smashed her beautiful face.

“Sorry, man. Her screaming was annoying as fuck,” Johnny said as he held the bloody bat. I looked at her gorgeous body, and noticed her giant chest wasn’t moving.

“Great, we just killed Scarlet Johanssen. Are you all happy now?” I asked with a sigh.

“I’m just happy the bitch quit screaming,” J said, dropping the bat and turning his attention back to the fridge.

“Agreed,” Clyde said as he joined Johnny on the quest for food.

“Well, forget you guys,” I said as I picked up the battered body. I walked out of the kitchen, stopping only to snag a wine bottle. I carried her up the stairs to lay her on her bed……..wink wink.