When quantum mechanics first introduced the idea of probability wave functions, a lot of physicists were like Âwhat? I donÂt even know what that is.Â Then when it was explained that this basically implied a certain amount of indefinable and inscrutable uncertainty on the atomic level, most were still confused, but some started to get pissed off. One of these some was Einstein, a religious man, who proclaimed quantum theory bunk on the grounds that--ÂGod does not play dice.Â Bohr, being better acquainted with GodÂs gambling habits, offered the following advice--ÂDonÂt tell God what to do with his dice.Â Two large dice then crashed down from the heavens, killing Einstein and proving GodÂs existence once and for all. The people rejoiced.ÂYeah he does, ass! ThatÂs exactly what IÂm saying!Â

1 Keith Moon vs. Jimmy Page

The Players:

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Setting the Scene:

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The Zing:

The Comeback:

What We Would Have Said:

Keith Moon, of The Who, is one of the greatest drummers and rock stars to ever grace a stage. His unique style of drumming like a goddamned madman and insisting that the drums be treated as a lead instrument paved the way for 32-piece, revolving drum sets everywhere. Further, his habit of utterly trashing hotel rooms, throwing TV sets out of windows, and blowing up toilets got him personally banned from no less than three major hotel chains and basically started the trend. He was a tortured, bizarre little man who hit his women, forced enough drugs through his system to mildly discomfort Keith Richards, and made some of the best noises in the history of rock. IÂd tell you who Jimmy Page is, but that kind of gives away the comeback, so IÂll act like youÂve lived under a rock for forty years and have no idea.One night, Robert Plant, John Entwhistle, Page and Moon were partying together at MoonÂs house. We can safely presume both were high out of their minds, and at this point in the night had wearied of driving cars into pools full of groupies. Plant took the edge off by telling Moon all about his concept for a new rock band of tight-jeaned, open-shirted, long-haired men singing ten minute songs in falsetto about goblins raiding Middle Earth. Shaking off the effects of the horse sedatives heÂd just taken rectally, Moon pulled himself out of the haze long enough to analogize--ÂThat idea will go over like a lead zeppelin.ÂThe entire Led Zeppelin discography, not to mention the fact that more people associate Jimmy Page with the hard-rockinÂ lifestyle than even know who the hell Keith Moon was.ÂIs that girlÂs pubic hair on fire? Seriously, Keith, what the hell is going on man? IÂm really worried about you. Also, youÂve got some food on your face.ÂWhen not writing for Cracked, Michael finds it increasingly difficult not to read a Churchill biography as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!