Rich Person Howard Schultz Forgets How Much We Hate Rich People; Threatens to Run for President

Howard Schultz Makes "Grande" Mistake, and... GET IT?? Ugh. Never mind. Stephen Brashear / Stringer / Getty News

You know... it's easy to make mistakes. I make them a lot! Though in my defense, I usually don't make the mistake after hearing millions of people say "if you do this, it will be a HUUUUUGE MISTAKE." Example: Former CEO of Starbucks and billionaire Howard Schultz is floating the idea of running for president.

In an interview with 60 Minutes last night, Schultz said he is "seriously thinking" about making a play for the presidency in 2020, with the intention of running as a "centrist independent" even though he's been a lifelong Democrat. This has lots of Democrats freaking the fuck out because they're afraid he'll split the ticket and swing the election in Trump's favor.

Here's why Democrats are being unnecessarily stupid about this:

Howard Schultz is worth $3.5 billion, and therefore everyone hates him. Now you may think, "Well, Trump is rich, and people voted for him." True, but remember, for them Trump was an experiment. They wanted to give a successful (HA) businessman a chance to run the government, because if CEOs are good at anything, it's giving the impression that they know what the fuck they're talking about. And of course, they don't. As a group they're white, unethical, and brazen—which unfortunately can get people far in this capitalistic society.

Anyway, if they didn't realize it before, a majority of Americans already know (or are really starting to suspect) that rich people are bunk... so thanks, Trump! You've done a lot to expose how morally corrupt your wealthy cohorts can be, and hence, another (yawn) rich white dude—especially Schultz—will NEVER even come close to being elected.

He's also unable to read the room in another significant way: The reason Schultz is running as an independent is because he thinks the Dems have "shifted so far to the left" because they believe in crazy, anti-corporate ideas such as free college, universal health care, and guaranteed jobs. If he thinks that he can successfully run on denying things from the American people—then I think he should definitely take the plunge. Because it's going to be HILARIOUS when he has his honky privileged ass handed to him. (Hey... maybe he could make Wilbur Ross his running mate!)

There are a lot of other reasons why Schultz' potential decision is laughable, and Twitter has done a great job of listing them:

Howard Schultz is a crash at the intersection of Mansplaining Avenue and Bizsplaining Boulevard. https://t.co/No0tiKVJI6

— Anand Giridharadas (@AnandWrites) January 28, 2019

stop. it's not "two parties more divided than ever." It is one party that is accommodating and promoting fascism. If you can't understand this, you don't have the smarts or the guts to be in politics.

— Jodi Jacobson (@jljacobson) January 28, 2019

have you seriously considered using your wealth for more productive things, like starting an influencer-friendly music festival in the Bahamas

— actioncookbook (@actioncookbook) January 28, 2019

Howard Schultz isn’t a candidate, he’s a warning. He’s the super-rich telling the Democrats not to nominate someone who will take on the wealthy.

— LibrarianShipwreck (@libshipwreck) January 28, 2019

I'm prepared to vote against Howard Schultz twice—with my real name and my Starbucks name.

— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) January 28, 2019

Based on my Twitter mentions this morning, Howard Schultz's core constituency appears to be Russian trolls.

— Ian Millhiser (@imillhiser) January 28, 2019

The Venn diagram of “People Who Think Howard Schultz Should Be President” and “Howard Schultz” is a circle.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 28, 2019

Hello I am considering a presidential run in 2020. Please RT if you would support this endeavor for me.

— Pop-Tarts (@PopTartsUS) January 28, 2019