Wasps promising an unprecedented year of fuckery

The wasps have vowed to ruin absolutely everything this time.

With the weather turning from rubbish to sort-of okay, the unruly thugs of the insect world have promised to taint any possible enjoyment of the British summertime.

“Lock up your jam,” said 38 year-old wasp, Simon Williams.

“We are going to be all over that shit, and we’ll sting your youngest child first just to make sure not only that your picnic is properly ruined, but that the little shit will be scared of everything that makes a faint buzzing sound, from your electric toothbrush right through to ‘mummy’s special toy’.

“We are legion, and the summer is ours.”

Wasp expert, Elizabeth King, said “Wasps have been a staple of the British summertime since their discovery in 1958; when a young botanist spotted one of the stripey shits floating in his glass of cola.

“Since then, they have only got more aggressive with time to an extent not seen outside of a pensioner stuck in a moderately long post office queue.

“Just stay indoors; there’s only moths there and they die really easily.”