The pint. As an icon of these fair islands go, I'd say it's second only to the Spitfire, or a red phone box with its tiny windows kicked in.

So it's little wonder politicians are so keen to get their grubby hands on them. So addled are our modern-day politicians they think clutching a pint makes them look normal, and worse still, relevant.

Remember: Churchill was no stranger to drink, but he never had his picture taken with a pint of soapy lager.

And anyway: what muppet would listen to some bloke mouthing off about the state of the nation while waggling a pint? Behold this parade of deluded pint wagglers.

Nick Clegg pulls a pint at the Queens Head in Soho. Photograph: Ben Gurr/Getty Images

Nick Clegg: "He has a nerve"



Such is the shame surrounding the deputy PM that the pint in question refused to be pictured with him. Note the barman preparing to stab him in the back while wearing a Vince Cable Grin. Also: he has a nerve pouring this pint with a smile on his face when everyone knows it costs nine grand to drink in a student union bar. VERDICT: 0/5

Nigel Farage at the Hoy and Helmet in South Benfleet, Essex. Photograph: Simon Ford/Rex

Nigel Farage: "Busted"



Nigel Farwich likes to trade on the notion that he's not like other politicians, he's different etc, and we are often treated to pictures of him actually drinking beer (I know, it's incredible, isn't it?) yet here we see that Nige is just like all the others – he's gleefully helping himself. Busted, you grim old leather-faced buzzard. However: Farwich at least looks familiar with pint pouring dynamics. He'd make for reasonable Thursday afternoon cover at best. Though Thursday is the afternoon when all those nice Romanian lads come in and drink their benefits money. Probably a bad idea. VERDICT: 3/5

Barack Obama watches Michelle draw a pint at Ollie Hayes' Pub in Moneygall, Ireland. Photograph: Rex

The Obamas: "A pint of bubonic plague"

He's holding that stout like it's a pint of bubonic plague. And fair enough, it's horrible. Also: the Secret Service have drunk half of it, to see whether it's poison. It is. Respect to Mr O for getting the missus to pour one, though. Michelle has that look on her face that says she'll be demanding a drone strike on the place in the car on the way home. VERDICT: 3/5

David Cameron at the reopening of the Maytime Inn, in Asthall, Burford, Oxfordshire. Photograph: David Hartley/Rex

David Cameron: "He's got the angle all wrong"

The prime minister has seen his butler doing this, but not in a long while, so he's doing his best to remember how to pour this infernal stuff those voter chappies drink. He's got the angle all wrong, though – shocking stuff. Expect him to pour a half and blame it on Labour. VERDICT: 2/5

William Hague visits Fuller's brewery in London. Photograph: Julian Makey/Rex

William Hague: "Here he is on pint 15"



The foreign secretary once really impressed everyone I know, at least, when he famously boasted that he used to drink 15 pints a day when he was a lad. Here he is on pint 15, just before all his hair fell out as a result of hop-poisoning. Please drink responsibly, kids. VERDICT: 15/5

Michael Portillo behind the bar. Photograph: Today/Rex

Michael Portillo: "What can I say? Hired"



Classic Portillo. It might look like he's poured that pint, but there's no way of being sure he actually has. The fact he seems to still be pouring it while waving around an unsettled pint somewhat undermines his apparent bar skills. However: what Portillo does bring to this is a ruddy faced cheer that's missing from all these other pictures. What can I say? How busy is he? Hired. VERDICT: 4/5

Margaret Thatcher admires the beer. Photograph: Allen/Daily Mail/Rex

Margaret Thatcher: "How much is that in deprived children's tears?"



Always the pioneer, here is Mrs Thatcher pouring a pint and trying to look normal before everyone else, back in the days of black and white. Just look at her, eyeing up that pint and imagining exactly how much that is in school milk and how much it is in deprived children's tears. She's never been so happy. However, of all the pints poured, this is the most generous measure, which is a surprise. Imagine for a moment a parallel universe where she stayed behind that bar – no Thatcher era wine bars, and tossers drinking champagne and eating olives to the sound of Sade: you can always dream. VERDICT: 5/5 for barskills 0/5 for failing to heed her true destiny

Boris Johnson serves a pint at the King's Arms in Tooley Street, south London. Photograph: Geoff Caddick/PA

Boris Johnson: "Get a haircut you plonker"



The thing about posh gap year bar staff is that for a while they're entertaining with their boundless energy and quotes from Cicero and all that bollocks, but then they become the very height of tedium and/or the recipient of a much-needed nut-pummelling. Get a haircut you plonker. Unhygienic. VERDICT: 1/5

George Osborne at the Red Lion in Westminster. Photograph: Kirsty Wigglesworth/WPA Pool/Getty Images

George Osborne: "He's pulling the wrong lever"



Typical stuff from Osborne. He's pulling the wrong lever and expecting results. That pint is nothing to do with him, it would have happened anyway, and in fact, if it wasn't for him, that pint would have happened two or three years ago.Also: if he wants to look normal, he really must try to act like he's seen a pint of bitter before. VERDICT: 12/5 (Hang on, my numbers don't add up either.)

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