Dear Readers,

My December 26 column sparked serious controversy, in which readers were correct in taking me to task. What follows here is the question and my answer of the time, which I recognize didn’t go far enough to help this woman. I apologize to her and to all of you who expect better of me, and offer now what I should’ve written.

I take my responsibility in this column very seriously and understand that many questions are a serious cry for help. With this woman, I pointed to broader problems in her marriage, but she needed more acknowledgement of what really happened, and guidance towards ongoing help.

The question, published on Dec. 26:

“My husband said that while I was fast asleep one night he had intercourse with me. He thinks it’s acceptable since I’m his wife. I feel it’s almost the same as rape. It’s my right to go to sleep and know nothing will happen to me. I should be able to feel safe.

To do that without a person’s consent while they are unaware surely can’t be right. What do you think?”

My answer on Dec. 26:

“If having sleep-sex with your husband feels so unsafe, you have bigger marital problems going on. This is what you should be dealing with, more than this one incident.”

What I should’ve written:

In many jurisdictions, including Canada, having sex with someone without their consent, even if the person is a spouse, is legally considered a sexual assault of rape. Your husband is wrong in his belief and abusive in his behaviour.

Your letter to me indicates ongoing fears for your safety, and major, worrisome problems in your marriage. If your husband believes he can do as he will with you, it follows that it’s possible he’ll justify and commit further abuse and violence against you.

Only you know if there’ve been signs of this before. You can still report the sexual assault to the police, and have your husband learn the hard way that he committed rape. Or, if you believe it’s one incident and he doesn’t “get it,” you must insist on his getting counselling, for your own reassurance and even as a condition of staying together.

You also need to think through your entire situation and future safety, with the help of professional counselling, which you can seek through the courts if you have him charged or through local community services.

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If you feel stuck in an unsafe marriage, you can go to an assaulted women’s crisis centre without his knowledge for a safe plan for leaving him.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca and chat with her Wednesdays at noon at thestar.com/elliechat