Share 0 SHARES

HAVING endured almost an entire fortnight of dealing with the Coronavirus in a calm, measured manner, the time is upon us to break apart as a civilisation and grab what we can before it’s too late, according to experts.

So far, Ireland has clocked up about 20 cases of the respiratory illness, with both the government and its citizenry refusing to succumb to mass hysteria or panicked, uninformed decision making; but a new report from a group of alarmists suggests that we should be reaching the end of the ‘calm down’ phase of the outbreak, and ‘going fucking mental’ could be the most sensible thing to do here.

“Really, we should probably start breaking into each other’s houses and stealing toilet roll and tinned soup by now, ” said a spokesperson for the group, speaking on RTÉ earlier to make sure the public gets a balanced view on the subject.

“We should begin to look at each other as enemies; if you see someone who looks like they might have a bit of a sniffle, it’s up to you to keep your family safe from them. Maybe by attacking them with a big, sterilised stick. And then make sure to not touch the stick if you’ve hit them in the mouth or nose with it. Also, rob their wallet and syphon the diesel out of their car”.

Should you decide that you’ve been calm for long enough and that now is the time to panic, please follow these guidelines:

There’s no telling where this will end, so please make sure to make no plans past tomorrow. You live your life 24 hours at a time now. If you see it, and you want it, take it. All rule of law is abandoned from here. You must remain safe, you must remain uninfected, therefore you must remain clean. Slather yourself in hand sanitiser from head to toe. Breathe only through masks. No sanitiser? No masks? Then get some. If your neighbour has some and you don’t? You know what you need to do. Shave your head with grease and a sharp piece of metal. In the wilderness we’re heading towards, you have no need for style. If they’re slow, leave them behind. Celebrating Paddy’s day with a few pints in town is alright, we suppose. After that; it’s on.