Alright, I’m 14 hours in here and this motherfucker doesn’t even scare me anymore. I’m sick of seeing his dumb face trying to jumpscare me in all of these goddamn hallways. Thinks he’s some big man just because he has a combination chainsaw and mining drill for an arm. Leave that at home, then let’s see how you do.

But no, I’m fine—just let me hide in yet another room behind some goddamn boxes while you look around with your mouth-breathing ass. I paid money for this game. Enough money where I could have just bought my own crate to hide behind. You’d think eventually you’d take a look in a cabinet, right? But no. Because you’re a tool, and I hate you. Why doesn’t this game just let me conk you on the head with this flashlight? Just let me absolutely pummel this no-eye-having, always-at-the-end-of-a-fucking-hallway-ass motherfucker already. That would be worth more than the 20 dollars I paid for this ass game.

Oh, he’s gone? He didn’t look behind this crate in the corner? Surprise fucking surprise. God, I’m sick of having to just lurk around this sad excuse for—wait a second. Is this just a decoration? Oh my God, oh my God. I can take this thing off the wall? Please tell me there are—holy tits there are bullets. Game of the fucking year.

No more cowering behind crates for this guy, let me tell you that shit. Where is that motherfucker? Not at the end of the hallway. Who’s running now, son? What are you gonna do, chainsaw drill me? I’ve got bullets, kiddo. Oh—there you are, you son of a bitch. You better bet this is gonna be a headshot. God, I hope you have a lot of health, I want to take my time with this.

BAM.

Oh, fuck me, that felt great. God, you just crumpled—fucking embarrassing. I’ve been taking chainsaw slaps to the face this entire game, you can’t even take a 9 millimeter round. I know I should conserve these bullets, but I’m definitely going to empty this whole magazine into every part of your shambling husk that could possibly represent an erogenous zone. Yes.

Oh, looks like all the noise I’m making attracted another eldritch horror into the mix. What’s your name? I fear no man with my trusty gun by my side.

Oh, it’s “Invulnerable-To-Bullets-Guy”?

Back to the cabinet.

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