Why I Fell in Love with Being Tied Up

Practicing Shibari & rope bondage has enhanced my life

Photo by SE

Fuzzy handcuffs and silk ties on headboards are the only representations of bondage many people have encountered. Before my involvement at the BSPC, I had no exposure to Shibari, Kinbaku, or the art, sensuality, and beauty of rope bondage. Once I started to explore rope, it didn’t take long for me to fall in love.

The Basics

I’m a rope bottom, sometimes called a rope bunny, meaning I’m usually the one being tied up. Bottoming for rope bondage requires a lot of trust and comfort for me, so I’ve primarily been tied by my partner.

We tie with locally made jute rope. In the beginning we used synthetic rope for a bit, but the look and character of jute feels better to me. It holds frictions better, which is especially helpful when tying on a curvy/round body like mine because it slips less. I love the rougher feel of jute on my skin, and the raspy sound it makes sliding against itself. The type of rope play we do involves tons of energy. Whether we’re playing alone, doing a scene, or practicing in a class or lab, I feel that jute rope holds and fits that energy better than synthetic rope can.

What I Get Out of Doing Rope

People learn and practice rope bondage for a variety of reasons. Some do it for sex, some do it to create art, as a sport, as a hobby, or as a way to make friends. I first tried rope because I was curious, and my partner offered it. In the time since then, it’s enhanced my life more than I ever expected.

Quality Relationship Time

In rope, my boyfriend and I found a hobby we can enjoy together. I don’t like gaming or bicycling as much as he does, and he doesn’t enjoy cross-stitch or coloring. Rope gives us a common interest. We’ve been to many workshops, and it’s somewhere we can go together to practice and learn a craft together.

Practicing rope is one of the most basic ways for us to connect. Attending classes means we’ve set aside time to focus on nothing but our relationship for the time we’re there, which isn’t always easy with kids and jobs and other commitments.

Peace, Release, and Escape

Rope provides a path to release and escape. When I’m bound, I find peace. In photos of myself in rope, I can see beautiful calm all over my face. Noise disappears, and it’s the closest I ever come to meditating.

Author’s photo

If you’ve explored BDSM at all, you’ve likely heard of ‘subspace,’ the altered mental state created by the endorphins released during kink play. In bondage, we have ‘rope space,’ and it’s one of my favorite places. When I’m there, the world disappears. I can float in the connection between myself and the rope, myself and my partner, and the earth beneath us. Being tied feels like home.

In times when I’m feeling like I need a hug from the world, the rope can be that hug. It can be incredibly sensual and intimate, gentle and quiet. In those moments when he takes the time and care to decorate and envelop my body with rope, I feel loved and cared for. It creates a cocoon of space where it’s just the two of us.

Pleasure & Pain

Sometimes, rope is simply a way to get kinky. It can be especially handy for times when other things would be too noisy or we don’t have the space. Bondage has been a great way to explore and nurture our D/s dynamic. Being bound and unable to move is a powerful thing. Physical submission is different than mental submission, and both have their perks.

Beyond basics, ties that go from cozy to stressful and painful with one shift of the body are a way for him to show me I’m helpless. It can be an instrument of delicious pain or domination: its versatility is one thing that makes it so diverse and fun. Ties that are more painful or torturous create an opportunity for me to surrender, release, and find catharsis.

Connection

Beyond providing a path to connect with my partner, practicing rope bondage has been a wonderful way to connect with community and make new friends. If you’ve never created the opportunity for yourself to be in a group of people who share passion, knowledge, and enthusiasm for the same things you do, do it. It’s nurturing and inspiring in a way few things are. Going to rope labs and workshops, being part of the rope community both in person and online, sharing photos, and now being tied by different people fills my heart.

Creative Collaboration

I physically enjoy the sensations created by rope immensely. I recently had my first experience being tied by trusted friends rather than my partner, and it was cozy, lovely, and nurturing. Feeling the sensations I enjoy and creating something at the same time was a beautiful way to spend an afternoon. As a writer, I don’t get that much opportunity to collaborate with people, but when I do, I absolutely love it. The chance to share space and energy and create something unique and radiant with people I care for fills my cup.

Photo by SE

Art exists in infinite forms, and rope is most definitely one of them. The human body is beautiful, and putting it in rope allows for the creation of lines, marks, and beautiful shapes and images.

A Platform for Body Positivity

As a plus-sized bunny, involvement in the rope community is another way to nurture and promote body positivity. A huge percentage of my progress toward being okay with my own body has come from being involved in these communities.

When people appreciate photos of my body in rope with the same types of words and genuine enjoyment they have for pictures of straight-sized women in rope, I see myself in a different light. Kinky spaces are some of the most body positive spaces I’ve ever encountered, but rope in particular has a lot further to go in terms of representation. I ask my partner to take photos of me in rope so I can encourage and inspire other larger women to embrace it as well. I want to normalize this and create movement towards a more inclusive community for people my size.

Advice for New and Curious Bunnies

FetLife is full of information and advice for new and curious kinksters just starting out on their tying journeys. Guides for what supplies you’ll need (don’t forget the safety shears!), the best ties for beginners, and how to find local rope events are plentiful. This is my best advice for anyone just starting out.

Don’t Get Discouraged

My biggest advice is don’t be discouraged, especially for curvy or fat ladies like me! Rope is for everybody. When you go on Instagram or Fetlife and look at rope and Shibari pictures, you’re going to see a lot of small/athletic/model-type women in rope. That doesn’t mean you can’t do it! I am 5'8" and 296 pounds, and I do all kinds of rope, including suspensions. Some positions aren’t possible for me, but many are, and you can find ways to do it that will work for you. Rope is beautiful, and every body can be beautiful in rope given the chance.

Give Yourself Grace

You won’t be able to do complex ties right away. Some people are more flexible than others, and it has nothing to do with weight or worthiness as a bottom. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t do certain positions. A good teacher will be able to suggest a modification, and ties don’t have to be perfect or complicated to be fun and beautiful. Inability to stay in a position or a suspension for very long doesn’t indicate failure, it just means you need to try something else. Figure out a stretching routine — you’d be amazed what 20 minutes of stretching a few times a week will do for your flexibility.

Learn Intentionally

If you live in an urban area, you’ll likely be able to find some local labs or classes. If you’re the one being tied, seek out opportunities to learn about bottoming. The main or full focus of most classes I’ve attended was on teaching tops how to tie, without a lot of discussion about bottoming.

I’ve been to a few where experienced bottoms gave helpful advice and taught specifically about bottoming. If the bottoms at classes you attended don’t do it during the class, make a point to talk to them during breaks or afterwards. Even if you come out of it with one or two takeaways, it will be worth it. They can speak to how to stretch for certain ties, what you can do to build or encourage your body to sustain rope/suspension, and lots of other things that tops who haven’t bottomed much aren’t really able to teach out.

Educate Yourself on Anatomy

This one is really important: learn the basics of anatomy and nerves, and where nerve damage is most common. Rope is super fun and a lot of people make it looks really easy and sexy, but there IS a level of skill involved, and you need to know what to look for so that you’re less likely to be injured. Learn what it feels like when your extremities are just going to sleep versus when a nerve is pinched or rope is misplaced.

So far, most of my rope journey has been about me and my partner, and creating fun and connection for us together. As I’m getting ready to dip my toes back in with the local rope and kink communities, I hope to explore bottoming as a model for photos for more people I trust. I would like to show people that they can tie on bodies like mine and help people to get more exposure to a wider variety of bodies in rope. Most of all, I just want to keep getting tied up, and taking advantage of all the benefits rope provides.

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