Really wanted to bond with this, but sadly....



MY CAT, (the little jerk), KEEPS GETTING EXPOSED TO TOXIC CHEMICALS THAT REQUIRE EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE PROCEDURES. EVERY SINGLE TIME (never fails) A HOTLY-ANTICIPATED PEDAL COMES OUT, HE HAS SOME LIFE-OR-DEATH SITUATION THAT REQUIRES TURBO CAPITAL--I'M TALKING NUCLEAR DIARRHEA, EMERGENCY LIQUID GOLD. THIS TIME HE NEEDS TRIPLE-BRAIN SURGERY OR HE'S GONNA DIE.



I suffer from a wretchedly unpleasant personality, and a doctor in Georgia (the country, not the terrible state) is promising to perform experimental surgery. I have extreme cognitive limitations. Someone said something mean to me on the internet, and now I must book an unexpected emergency trip to a private island!



STOP JUDGING ME! I CAN HEAR YOUR LITTLE HIVE PALPITATIONS! BUZZING & JUDGING! I've told so many lies, that I just can't look my disgusting cream face in the mirror anymore.



*deep breaths* FEEL THE PURPLE GLOVE OF LOVE. LET IT HEAL YOU. LET IT ENVELOPE YOU. BE ONE WITH THE PURPLE GLOVE OF LOVE.



This device has too much control over my life. I need to divorce myself from WORLDLY THINGS and reconnect with the P.A.S.T.A. G.O.D.



My hamster is slowly dying [emotionally]. He looks me in the eye and it's apparent to both parties that we no longer feel the intimate bonds of friendship and fine dining. Rather than throw him in some sterile facility for aging hamsters, I'd like to pay for a decadent farewell party---only then perhaps will he forgive me for getting the cat (don't forget about the dying cat).



Also, I really want to get bunion surgery, an electric back massager 5000, and a digital subscription to Dairy $luts (don't ask).



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