Today I want to talk about one of the hardest things in life – setting and sticking to boundaries. I learned a long time ago that in a choice between me and someone who doesn’t treat me with respect, the correct choice is always me.

One of my brothers was always what people politely call “a bit difficult”. It didn’t matter what it was – affection, chocolate, time on the Playstation, etc – he had to have more than us just to feel like he was getting the same, and he just got worse as he got older.

Sibling relationships can be difficult and my brother was kind of a dick at the best of times, but I always tried to keep the peace because that is what my family asked of me. After all, I’m the big sister, the responsible one.

About 10 years ago though, I’d had enough and I hung up on him. He was yelling at me over the phone and I told him that I wasn’t going to tolerate being yelled at. He continued to yell and I hung up. That wasn’t the hard thing. That came next – I didn’t call him back and I didn’t go out of my way to mollify his temper tantrum.

I’ve seen him exactly once since then and it was akward. We had nothing to say to each other and, while it definitely made me sad, it didn’t inspire me to chase after him and try and fix things.

My family have put pressure on me from time to time, particularly in the beginning, to apologise to him. Unfortunately for them, I was done bending over backwards to make someone else happy at my expense, especially since I wasn’t the one who’s behaviour was constantly out of line.

My other brother lives with me and I have good relationships with the rest of my family, while he barely speaks to any of them despite their efforts to maintain the relationship. I honestly feel a little sorry for him, but the mess is of his own making and it isn’t my job to fix it.

It saddens me to think that the only way I could have had a relationship with my brother was to basically do whatever he said, put up with being yelled at, and otherwise tolerate his poor behaviour, but that is just how he is.

I was 20 when all this went down, so I learned at the very beginning of my adult life that people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I also learned that you need to back yourself. If I’d done what my family asked and apologised, I would probably have repeated that same scenario a dozen or more times since then and I would still be getting yelled at over the phone.

While there were guilt trips and entreaties to “Just apologise, you don’t have to mean it”, these faded out over time as everyone realised I wasn’t going to bend.

While I don’t usually advise my friends to cut people from their lives unless the person is seriously toxic, I do tell them they need to be clear about how they expect people to treat them (i.e. with respect and consideration).

The most common response I get is “I know, but”. This drives me up the wall. What they are really saying is “I know I should expect people to be considerate of my needs like I am of theirs, but I’d rather let them treat me like crap than make anyone else uncomfortable.” This is complete bullshit – most people aren’t deliberately assholes. If they care about you at all and you tell them that a particular thing they do bothers you, they should stop doing it. Full stop! End of discussion!

If someone continues to do something you have told them upsets you, then they are very clearly showing you that they don’t value you.

The next most common response is “He/she won’t listen – I’ve already told them I don’t like X”. To this, I say you’ve only done half the work. You may have clearly explained to the offender that a particular behaviour is not acceptable to you, but then, when they inevitably push against your boundaries, you cave.

I get it – we are social creatures and, particularly in the case of women, are conditioned to maintain relationships and not make too much of a fuss in order to keep the peace.

Unfortunately, sometimes you need to make a fuss.

So how do we go about setting our boundaries and sticking to them?

1. Be Clear

You need to make it very easy for the other person by identifying exactly what it is that bothers you. It is no good telling them to stop talking to you like you’re an idiot because they probably don’t think they are. There may be a particular phrase they use which bothers you or a particular tone of voice that gets on your nerves. It may just be that they always interrupt or try and explain things that you already know. Whatever it is, be clear about the problem and how they can resolve it.

2. Avoid Accusations

When we challenge people, the typical response is to get defensive. Instead, frame it as you and the other person working together to solve a common problem.

“I really love that you want to spoil little Tommy, but when he has sugar right before bed he doesn’t sleep well and then struggles at school the next day. What other ways can we think of for you to spoil him?

This approach works best with people who’s hearts are in the right place.

3. Model Good Behaviour

We can’t expect others to behave a certain way if we aren’t also treating them with respect and courtesy.

If we know something we do bothers someone, try not to do it. Avoid gossip, be kind, and generally behave ethically.

I’ve won plenty of difficult people over just by doing my best to be a good person. They don’t have to like you, but they can’t help respecting you.

4. Bluffing is for Poker, Not Relationships

So you’ve set boundaries and were clear about what would happen if that boundary wasn’t respected and, almost inevitably, someone decided to try their luck.

This is a good news/bad news scenario.

The good news is that you already know what needs to happen because you have clearly communicated the consequences for poor behaviour.

The bad news is you need to actually follow through or all that work you did setting your boundaries will have been for nothing.

It can be something as simple as not allowing your parents unsupervised time with your kids because they keep feeding them sugar or as complicated as ending a relationship because you aren’t being treated well.

At the end of the day, training people is remarkably like training a new puppy. Be consistent about addressing bad behaviour, reward the good behaviour, and make sure they know they are loved.