There was no critics' screening of Piranha 3D, so I ventured out of my cave, $12 in hand, to see it yesterday afternoon. And now I know the truth. This movie is an authoritarian plot!


I know totalitarian conspiracies can be hard to figure out when you've smoked like twelve bowls of pot and are watching shredded body parts zoom toward your face in 3D. That's why you need an expert like me, who has trained for many years to engage in precise cultural analysis while stoned. Just let me break it all down for you.

Conspiracy One: Anti-evolution

Look, I knew going into this movie that there might be some political overtones. After all, the original Piranha movie from 1978 was written by leftist filmmaker John Sayles, and contains some pretty heavy anti-military messages. But as soon as the movie began, it became obvious that this was anti-evolutionary propaganda.


As the film opens, we see the camera panning across a chainlink fence hung with one of those commonly-seen signs that say, "No Trespassing - Mesolithic Area Dig Site." That's right - the Mesolithic. One of those time periods that only evolutionists believe in. And of course that alerts you to where our toothy monsters are going to come from. Straight out of the goddamn Mesolithic. Or maybe the Pleistocene. It's hard to say for sure, because later the handy fish scientist (played by the extra-handy Christopher Lloyd) growls excitedly about how the piranhas are from "two million years ago, in the Pleistocene."

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Anyway the point is, there's a guy played improbably by a not-so-improbably drunk Richard Dreyfuss who is fishing in the Mesolithic dig site lake. Then an earthquake strikes, a huge rift opens up below the lake, and a million angry piranha come out in a big whirlpool and just eat the shit out of him. I hope Dreyfuss got paid a ton of cash to be in this flick that makes a mockery of our evolutionary history.


Later we find out from some "seismologist divers" (yes, you can get a Ph.D. in seismological diving at UC Berkeley) that the quake opened up a tunnel between an "underground lake" and the regular lake. And the Mesolithic Pleistocene fish, who once lived beneath a layer of earth and a carpet of discarded beer bottles are now loose in Lake Victoria.

I honestly can't believe that in this day and age, somebody actually made a movie blaming evolution for monsters. This is only going to fan the flames of anti-evolutionary sentiment and prevent smart kids from majoring in seismological diving.


Conspiracy Two: Anti-sex

As if the retrograde values in this film weren't already obvious, we've got a subplot where everybody who engages in sex basically gets their crotch eaten by hungry fish. Because this is a Piranha franchise movie, the entire thing takes place during spring break at Lake Victoria, where 20,000 breast-baring coeds have come to dance, drink, get laid, and get sliced in half or have their heads crushed between two boats. Even horror producer Eli Roth is there, MCing a wet t-shirt contest, just before the water boils with blood and he gets decapitated.


But all the sexytime really gets started when producer Derrick (Jerry O'Connell, his nose smeared with coke) arrives in town, hoping to film another installment in his Girls Gone Wild-esque porn series. He and his two "wild girls" hook up with local Jake (whose mom Julie is the town sheriff, as well as being improbably played by Elizabeth Shue). Derrick wants to film some babes skinny dipping, so Jake hops on their boat and guides them out to a remote location where eventually everybody is eaten in the most disgusting way imaginable - especially Derrick.

As if to underscore that the fish represent the forces of prudery and anti-pleasure, we watch them strip Derrick's lower body of flesh, before he's dragged up on the boat screaming, "They took my penis!" Oh and also, we later see his penis drifting down the to bottom of the lake, where two piranha fight over who gets to eat it. Then the winner swims to the camera, gets all 3D up in your face, and burps the half-chewed cock right onto your nose. That's what you get for being a soft-core porn producer, Derrick.


But he's not the only sexy guy who has to pay for his sins in blood. Pretty much every boobie-baring, tongue-lolling college kid who is frolicking to fuck-me music at the lake gets eaten in some weirdly sexual way. A girl in an inner-tube is eaten butt-first. An electrical wire slices through a bare-chested girl, sending her head and half a boob sliding into the water. Nipples are chomped. A girl who has already been chewed up by fish gets her hair trapped in a boat motor and has her face ripped off. Seriously - this is like an orgy of mutilation.


And none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for evolution and pornography.


Conspiracy Three: Only the police state can save you

Luckily the law is there to save you from the sins of the Pleistocene. Who comes to the rescue when the porn guy's dick has been chomped, the porn girls have been eaten right down to their implants, and only Jake and his innocent girl friend are trapped on the coke-dusted Wild Yacht? Julie the sheriff. Who saves the spring break sluts from massive chompery after Eli Roth's head explodes in a poof of blood? Julie the sheriff, aided by deputy Ving Rhames and his weaponized outboard motor.


Police officers barking orders over megaphones is the sound of salvation when prehistory and humping have left you at the mercy of beasts who burp genitals. I mean, who are you going to trust other than cops? Not the seismological diving experts; not "expert" Christopher Lloyd, who carries fossilized ancient piranhas around in his back pocket. Nope: The police state is the clear winner in this film. It's law and order and lots of ammunition against nature, and nature better fucking get out of the way.


Conspiracy Four: This is all just a setup for Mega Piranha

Maybe you don't buy my highly persuasive accounts of conspiracies 1 through 3. Well may I interest you in a possible fourth conspiracy, created by the insanely powerful corporate executives who run The Asylum, the company that made Syfy movie of the week Mega Piranha? This will be a conspiracy that takes a turn to the left, given that Mega Piranha was endorsed by the lefty Huffington Post.


Just as you think you can't possibly see another severed limb, the truth behind the entire Piranha 3D movie is revealed. Christopher Lloyd calls our police state heroes up on phone and says the fish they've been fighting are just the babies. "So where are the adults?" asks the only remaining seismological diver. Instantly, a giant piranha jumps out of the water and swallows him whole.


So the ENTIRE MOVIE WAS JUST A PREQUEL TO MEGA-PIRANHA! Obviously The Asylum carefully engineered this entire thing, all to get more publicity for their film. Hey, it worked for George Lucas when he made Revenge of the Sith and it drove more people than ever to embrace the original Star Wars trilogy. The fact is that the Hollywood bigshots running The Asylum know that prequels are the easiest way to rake in cash on the movie they're prequelling.

Do I really need to spell this out for you?

Piranha 3D is a left-wing corporate entertainment plot to make you watch Mega-Piranha, embrace the police state, stop having sex, and reject evolutionary theory. I can't believe nobody noticed that but me.