WASHINGTON, DC – To calm citizens’ fears that the U.S. is looking to enter a drawn-out and very expensive bombing campaign that will likely cost the taxpayers millions if not billions of dollars, national security advisers announced that the pending air strike against Syria will be sponsored by Pepsi. “Look, we don’t have the money, or the political support,” said Secretary of State John Kerry in a statement on Friday, “and this lucrative deal with the All-American soda pop maker solves both those problems.” Pepsi-Cola CEO Indra Nooyi explained her reasoning, “First, we’re trying to maintain Pepsi as a global brand, and this relationship helps us grow our reach in the Middle East. Second, we know Syria is going to be all over the news for probably a very long time—these things rarely end quickly—and in our mind, no press is bad press.” “The best part,” continued Secretary Kerry, “is that it gives us an easy way out. If things are going great in Syria, everyone wins. But if things go badly, we can quickly and easily pull out saying that we lost our sponsorship dollars. And that’s an exit strategy the American public can definitely understand.” Secretary Kerry said they are working with Subway to sponsor the imminent ground attack and Walmart to sponsor the eventual nation-building.