His pitch won an Oscar

He gave his investors “the talk”

He can make an iOS app…in Java

Nobel Prize winning archeologists fight over his discarded beer cans

His old college fraternity is now an incubator

He won Techcrunch Disrupt, but was disqualified for not having a product

Another day, another round of funding.

“I got it!” shouted Kevin Spangel, founder and CEO of hot social media app Slapcat, or “Uber meets Instagram for cats.” He drew a diagram with some boxes and arrows with words like “daily active user” and “network effect” to eventually arrive at the final double-boxed PROFIT.

“This is how we’re going to make boatloads of money,” he announced as he slapped his pen on the desk across his investors from Lightning Sequoia Square Ventures. “I literally just invented this in my head.”¹

His investors looked at each other, baffled.

“We’ll give you $1 Billion, at a $25 Billion valuation.”

Fuck yesss. Kevin was delighted. Now these losers can leave me alone about going public for a couple more weeks.

Back at his office headquartered on Venice Beach, Los Angeles, Kevin grabs some beer on tap. It’s 10am, and he already had his investor call, went to the gym twice, showered, brought $1B of liquid cash to his company, and made sweet sweet love to his supermodel girlfriend Marina Klark – in that order. And yeah, beer on tap, that’s right. Because how can you truly make the world a better place without beer on tap and cold drip coffee on demand?

He takes a sip, and the bitter wheat taste triggers a flashback of his good old college days as a fraternity brother of AlphaKappaSigma BetaZeta DeltaNu. Who could’ve known that shotgunning 5 beers at once is THE skill to have to run a successful tech startup? Elon Musk studied every day and read a bunch of textbooks on building rockets. Nerd. Zuck had to hire Momma Sandberg to get his shit together. Nerd.

I’m not a nerd. I’m not like them. I’m a mothafuckin’… bonafide… celebrity! he whispers under his breath as he gazes at a portrait of the Slapcat logo, a cat ghost with a playful tongue sticking out in a bright, piss-yellow background.

Ever wonder why the background logo is bright yellow instead of the “ubiquitous blue” that the normies use?

In his college days, Kevin and his fraternity brothers enjoyed a fair amount of debauchery.

On one particular Thursday night, when his CTO, Bimbo Murphette, and the “ideas guy”, Reggae Frown², were working on a design project that was soon to be the future Slapcat, Kevin and two of his friends came into the design laboratory, intoxicated.

Bimbo had been working on the logo design all night and discarded the previous versions on the floor. Kevin, yelling to his friends “IT’S NOT THIRSTY THURSDAY UNTIL YOU PEE ON A TRIDELT!” attempted to urinate on Bimbo, who pushed him aside to avoid the stream. Instead, Kevin’s urine splashed all over the floor, where the discarded logo designs were.

Feeling disgusted, everyone left the lab with a “Consuela will clean it anyways” attitude and went home.

And thus originated the yellow background of the Slapcat logo.

/ᐠ.ꞈ.ᐟ\

As Kevin reminisces his glory days, he gets himself another beer, wondering where to go for his next vacation with Marina. Maybe the Bahamas.

At Slapcat’s current valuation, Marina Klark, despite having downgraded her life partner in looks, clearly upgraded him in value.

Nevertheless, she couldn’t help but think how absurd of an idea it is. Sure it was fun in the beginning when she used it to sext Kevin, but she never thought Slapcat would become what it is today, with a product that’s still losing money and many users that could be described as veteran pussycats of the adult entertainment industry.

For only $30/month, the customer received unlimited lingerie-laced photos, or straight up nudes. Of course the legality of everything is a little iffy, but who would ever audit money sent through Slapcoin? That would be like trying to understand how Bitcoin works – it’s impossible.

At this point, Kevin is drunk. He had one too many Natty Lights and started daydreaming about his fabulous post-Slapcat-life, when he can finally cash out and bro down.

Maybe he’ll buy Harrison Ford’s $12 Million mansion and joke about moving in with Marina while contemplating a possible elopement with Taylor Swift.

Or go snowboarding in Canada… by helicopter. Might as well get that pilot license while he’s at it. Can you fly drunk?

He’ll also be a pro at flower arranging, because nothing screams more manly man than wearing an apron and paying attention to interior decor.

And while driving his red Ferrari California, he would smirk at the thought of fingerblasting the biggest social media company in the world by turning down their $3 Billion acquisition offer, and phrasing the reason in a PR-approved move like “I want to inspire creation, not dilution.”³

Well joke’s on everyone else. Because this is already his life. 🙂

He is indeed, the most interesting CEO in the world.

¹ Ctrl+F “invented” here: https://www.bloomberg.com/news/features/2015-05-26/evan-spiegel-reveals-plan-to-turn-snapchat-into-a-real-business

² https://techcrunch.com/2013/07/01/new-snapchat-docs/

³ I’m big on being factual: http://www.businessinsider.com/fabulous-life-and-career-of-snap-ceo-evan-spiegel/#spiegel-started-dating-supermodel-miranda-kerr-during-the-summer-of-2015-they-first-met-at-a-2014-dinner-for-louis-vuitton-21

Thank you to the following baes for edits / being the OG readers: KY, JS, YJ, KB, and KK.

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