I’m not convinced Ryan Fitzpatrick is human.

I think he’s a gypsy curse given form. He’s like the monster from It Follows, but more visible. A horrible ancient demon that has the ability to imprint itself on teams and destroy them from within. A vampire of young talent. A Freddy Krueger-esque nightmare that once he discovers you, haunts you until he gets you. He is a monster in a football uniform. An unquenchable shoggoth.

I’m sorry Bucs fans, but Fitzy isn’t your savior. He will not hold down the fort while The Uber Groper is gone. He will do something far more insidious. I’m sorry I called it, but honestly I can’t even be proud. Anyone who has studied the Fitz in the wild knew this was coming. Maybe not this particular way, but it was always coming. We got a taste of it last year, but it wasn’t quite the right fit for his destruction. Now it is. Let me tell you exactly how this is going to go down.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is going to ball out in the first 3 games. He will lead the team to a 3-0 or at least a 2-1 record. He will throw for 5-6 TDs and 1 INT. Above 100 passer rating. He’s going to give the Bucs the always dreaded problem known as…the QB controversy.

You might think I’m crazy. Jameis couldn’t be at risk now could he? Too much promise, to much investment. But the rumblings are already there. His behavior has surely already pissed off the older “PLAY THE GAME THE RIGHT WAY” fans, and patience is surely wearing thin with his weird antics. His failure to take a step forward last season didn’t help. His contract year is coming, and he’s missing 3 games due to being a crappy person, with a history of being a crappy person. Now Fitz comes in, wins 3 games and does it “the right way” and suddenly you have a fanbase at odds with itself. You know Jameis is the better long term option…but do you? Fitz looks like he can win now!

The Bucs will start Jameis week 4. But he won’t play well. The group of converts will already start to murmur “Start Fitzpatrick”. It won’t be long for a big hit or something else to knock Jameis out of a game he’s performing poorly in for a bit, and Fitz will come in and light it up once more. Then the cries begin in earnest. The Bucs will legitimately see Fitz as the better, less annoying option. The Bucs will soar through midseason, and end up somewhere like 7- 4, 8-5, right in the thick of the playoff hunt in a surprisingly underachieving division. Fitz will look like he can finally take this team to the promised land. Dirk Koetter, desperate to stay employed after a bad 2017, will “roll with the hot hand”. Fitz gets the starting job.

The Bucs finish 8-8 on some tough divisional losses and barely miss the playoffs. Jameis, immature and full of discontent, acts out and does something typically stupid. The calls to cut him by the ignorant masses of “What have you done for me lately” begin. Jameis is told to be the backup or get lost, and he leaves in a mediocre trade to the Redskins or someone similar. The Bucs roll with Fitz. in 2019, Ryan Fitzpatrick blows ass and gets benched, and the Bucs rebuild begins again.

Jameis’s career is toast and he floats around as a backup who is never really good again, getting a job for roughly 4 years due to potential before we all forget him. The Bucs draft top 10 in 2019. Dirk Koetter is fired halfway through the 2019 season. Fitz leaves and infects a new team. The cycle begins anew. Don’t convince yourself it won’t happen. Don’t be fooled. Don’t be the girl who sees the bad boy and his terrible habits and thinks “No, but I can CHANGE him!”. Look at those who came before him. Only Carson Palmer was at all relevant after Fitz consumed his soul, and it was just a bright flash of a single season far away in a new city. You cannot change Ryan Fitzpatrick. You cannot stop Ryan Fitzpatrick. You cannot cure Ryan Fitzpatrick. Once infected, it’s too late.

I’m really sorry, Bucs fans.

But hey, did you know he went to Harvard?