When I watch a movie, I enjoy it more if I can empathize with one of the characters. I imagine myself in his or her situation: solving a crime, falling in love, wearing a leotard while battling injustice, and whatnot. It’s hard to enjoy a movie if I can’t relate to how the characters are feeling, even if they are different from me. That’s normal, right?

So how the f*ck do you explain the popularity of horror movies?

There are only two kinds of characters in a horror flick: the victims who are dying horrible deaths, and the psychopaths that are doing the killing. My problem with those movies is that I automatically empathize with the victims, and I can feel their pain. When a character gets impaled with a sharp object, I imagine what that would feel like. I think it would hurt. So I steer clear of horror movies. Yet millions of people enjoy that type of entertainment. Here’s your frightening little question of the day: Who are horror movie fans empathizing with?

By process of elimination, I assume fans of horror flicks are imagining themselves as the killer, thinking how cool it would be to disembowel attractive teenagers. Jeezus-frickin-christ! There are millions of these psychopath movie-goers. And they look just like normal people.

I wonder how many times in my life I’m at a store, for example, swiping my debit card, and the cashier is looking at me and thinking “It sure would be fun to drive a spike through his forehead and make a vest from his skin.” It probably happens more often than I’d like.

Do you enjoy horror movies? If so, what the f*ck is wrong with you?