• Stay on trend but not too on trend with your clothing, if you know what we mean. Don’t look dowdy, but don’t look like you’re trying to dress like a teenager, for God’s sake. Wear things that are flattering but not too revealing. Bare shoulders are O.K. as long as the rest of your arms are fully sheathed. Bottom line: You’re culturally irrelevant — embrace it!

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SUPERVISOR: This position reports to co-workers younger and less qualified than you. They will also have little regard for your personal space; may pull your shirt up in public; slap you on the bum (also in public); wonder aloud why your arms, legs and/or stomach are so “squishy”; and will not at all listen to your opinions. They may, on occasion, order you around and be clearly unappreciative of your efforts. You’re a woman; you should be used to this sort of thing in the workplace by now.

SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE: Nothing will prepare you for this. Not babysitting, not having a dog, and certainly not your childbirth class. Maybe get some sleep or eat chocolate-covered pretzels in your underpants?

TYPE OF EMPLOYMENT: This is a volunteer, unpaid, full-time job. If you have paid employment outside the home, this is still a full-time job. You will have to sort that out for yourself. The primary purpose of this position is to train your co-workers to become more competent, independent, well adjusted and successful than you. Don’t be afraid to occasionally whisper “Marry for money” to them when no one’s around. Who cares? Times change, love is fickle and working is hard.

HOW WE MEASURE SUCCESS: Success in this position — while prematurely announced by those who are currently breast-feeding 5-year-olds — may be accurately measured only roughly 10 or 20 or 30 years after your last co-worker has left his or her in-house position. Please note: Once your co-worker has moved on, you will no longer be allowed into a majority of his or her waking moments and certainly not the sleeping ones. Your former co-workers will typically not be terribly vocal about whether they feel your tenure was a success, or what they’re doing now on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes they won’t even tell you what they’ve had to eat or who they are with! Honestly, the feedback process and yearly reviews for this position are a nightmare, if they happen at all. Many employees find Thanksgiving to be an unusually popular time for performance reviews, but we do not recommend it.

SUMMARY: The primary purpose of this position is to train the people you love most in this world to leave you. Forever.

Told you it was dumb.