Re:(no subject)

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 8:06 PM (10 minutes ago)

Sun says I shouldn't bother emailing you back. He says that getting into it with exes never ends well. I almost argued that we weren't exes because we were never technically "together" but if we weren't together, what the fuck were we doing then? Besides, I think he's mostly just hoping I'll stop obsessing over you and fall for him instead.

He's a perfectly nice guy. Terrible kisser, but some things can be taught. You should know all about that.

I'm so fucking sick of being hung up on you.

In case you couldn't tell, I've been drinking. And I didn't wait to sober up this time. I didn't want to. I didn't want to, and I'm sick to death of not doing things I want to do because the girl on the other side of the world would think less of me for doing it. I haven't changed Blake, I'm still the same person I was in college. You don't get to cherry pick the best of me to remember fondly when you get lonely at nights, and just because you're not here to reap the benefits when I get properly hammered doesn't mean suddenly I'm an alcoholic. Fuck off with that holier-than-thou bullshit.

Well, we're into it now, so no looking back I guess. Glad you got to enjoy spending time with my family over the holidays. I know how tough it can be, you know, considering what terrible people your own parents are. After all, it's not like they were still supportive of their teenage daughter after she ran off with a delusional, delinquent psychopath. Oh wait, they were? Then they must not have approved of you continuing to live in Portland and cut you off financially, right? They didn't do that either? So you're telling me your parents have been nothing but loving and supportive of you despite the many questionable decisions you made in your life?

Cry me a goddamn river Blake. Some of us have had to deal with real family drama. You can claim to be part of "our" family all you want, but when Summer died, you didn't lose a mother. Ruby and I did. You didn't lose a spouse, my dad did. You can pretend all you like Blake, but you are NOT a part of our family. You don't belong there.

You know what? I get all the things you said about Raven. I do. Nothing about this is easy, and you're right to say that I can't just give her a pass on what she did because everything turned out okay. I don't want you to think that I'm pissed off right now because you didn't affirm every single one of my feelings of guilt or confusion. No, what pisses me off is that you "can't imagine why else I'd bother talking to you."

Seriously? Are you this fucking dense? Fine, let me spell it out for you Blake: I can't stop loving you. You've been my best friend since high school, and more than that for nearly as long. You were the first girl I everythinged, okay? Oh, and you just so happened to be my emotional support during the single worst year of my entire life. So as much as I wake up every morning wishing I could think about you without this horrible aching in my heart, I just. Fucking. Can't. So I'm going to keep throwing myself at you like the pathetic bimbo I apparently am until you either tell me I'm worth anything to you, or you finally manage to rip my heart all the way out. Or possibly until Sun steals my phone and waits for me to detox or something.

I had somebody I was willing to stay for, Blake. I would have gotten some boring bullshit job in a fucking cubicle somewhere for her. Hell, I would have been a stay at home mom and raised her fucking kids for her. If she had said the word, I would have never set another foot outside Portland.

But you didn't, Blake. You didn't ask me to stay, and you didn't come with me when I asked you to leave. So I left without you. I can't be nothing to you, Blake. I couldn't stay and be nothing to you.

There, I think that's probably enough emotional confrontation to scare you down a hole for at least four months, right? Maybe six if I can keep from sending you more pathetically emotional emails? I wouldn't count too much on that though. Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

No I don't know where I'm going

But I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again.

Sent from: Detroit Michigan