Letting Go…

Sometimes, in order to move forward in life you have to let go of things in the past. I realized that my recent blues have been in part because I’ve been holding on to something I cannot change. Though, I’m extremely thankful to have been a part of All Stars, it was a completely devastating experience for me. I think I had placed so much faith in it to be able to redeem myself. I’m not sure what I thought I needed to redeem. Maybe losing every challenge on my season of Drag Race? Or getting my wardrobe ripped to shreds week after week? Or being made to feel like a was some sub par queen? Certainly the fans spoke out and gave me the title of Miss Congeniality which meant the world to me. I’ve had so much success after the show and for that I’m grateful too.

I guess for All Stars, I thought I could show more of who I am as an entertainer and how much I’ve grown since the show. To say it was a let down is an understatement. It was never about my partner, it was always about the chance I felt we’d never get. I shut down. I went into my head. It also was learning or feeling like I learned what other queens who I considered friends and peers truly thought of me.

I know now I placed too much faith into something that I didn’t really need. I didn’t need a redemption. There will always be those people who do not like me and who think my drag is terrible. Thankfully there are many more who get me and who appreciate me. I need to focus more on them.

I’m writing this as a letting go process. Letting go of something I didn’t realize I was holding on to. It’s a hard experience to see yourself on television and especially to see yourself portrayed quite negatively. There is editing, yes, but I certainly said the things I said. Maybe not in the exact context or there was more to it but it is what it is.

That show hurt my self esteem, my pride and my state of mind. Partially because I let it. I do tend to often get to into my head. It comes from growing up painfully shy. So shy that I was afraid to speak at times. I lived in my head so it’s easy to go back there. But this is me doing what I’ve always done, write. I write to get things out that I can’t fully get out. I need to let it go and move on which I thought I did. I know now that I hadn’t totally. It’s holding me back. There are so many worse things that could have happened to me in life, trust me, I know. Being an entertainer is my life so when something happens to that to affect it, it’s a big deal to me.

I will focus on what I’m thankful for from now on. I’m thankful for that opportunity. I’m thankful for the amazing support I’ve received from people all over the world. I’m thankful for the countless messages and emails from people who say I changed their lives from sharing my story. I’m thankful I am able to entertain people in this life because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since I was a little boy.

Thank you all and thank you for even taking the time to read this.

xoxo

Pandora