I’ve got to hand it to Merriam-Webster, because they’re starting off Memorial Day weekend with some light trolling and are basically guaranteeing high engagement with this wildly controversial tweet.

Check out this bogus statement they put out into the world this afternoon:

Have a great #MemorialDayWeekend. The hot dog is a sandwich. https://t.co/KeNiTAxPAm — Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) May 27, 2016

Their definition of a sandwich is baloney, too: a sandwich is, according to the dictionary folks, “1) two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between, 2) one slice of bread covered with food.”

I’m sorry, Merriam-Webster, but a) one slice of bread covered with food is NOT a sandwich, and b) a hot dog is NOT a sandwich. I also have to address this to my colleague Ted Berg, who is the nation’s foremost expert and therefore believes that he is completely unassailable in his hot dog-related opinions. Which are mostly that a hot dog is, indeed, a sandwich.

But he and Merriam-Webster are assailable and are wrong. Sure, a hot dog is dressed up as a sandwich — it’s made with two pieces of bread, and there’s something between those two slices of bread. You eat a hot dog with your hands, which is another key aspect of any sandwich worth its salt.

HOWEVER. There is a reason that a hot dog is not a sandwich, and I just realized what it is. While my argument had heretofore been “it’s just NOT, it’s a hot dog, not a sandwich,” that isn’t very compelling.

But this is: For a sandwich to be a sandwich, you have to be able to call it “a sandwich” and by it’s specific name interchangeably. Ted, in his post, mentions muffuletta and cheesesteaks, and says that because these are sandwiches, a hot dog, with its specific name, should also be a sandwich.

But here’s the key difference: If you saw a muffuletta (a New Orleans specialty, packed with a bunch of different cold-cuts and tapenade and stuff) on a plate, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to say, “hey, can you pass me that sandwich?” rather than calling it a muffuletta. Similarly, if you saw a half-eaten cheesesteak sitting out on the counter, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of the ordinary for you to ask your friend, “are you going to eat the rest of that sandwich?” rather than calling it a cheesesteak.

But you would NEVER see a hot dog sitting out on a picnic table and say to your friend, “can I have that sandwich?” YOU WOULD JUST NEVER SAY THAT. Your friend would be like, “what sandwich?” and you’d be like, “the one that’s long and filled with something that looks like a sausage but is slightly different.”

They would have no idea what you were talking about. They’d be like, “you mean this hot dog?” and you’d be like, “oh, sorry, I was calling it by the overarching genus to which some people mistakenly believe it belongs, not by its species.” And your friend would be like “please leave my barbecue.”

This holds true for all other non-sandwiches, too. A quesadilla is,by that stupid definition the dictionary put out, technically a sandwich. But if you were to say, “can I have the rest of that sandwich?” your friend would say, “what sandwich?” and when you told them you were talking about the quesadilla, they’d say, “that’s not a sandwich, that’s a quesadilla.” The same goes for tacos.

So there you have it. The definitive reason a hot dog is not a sandwich. If you can argue with that, I’m eager to hear it (come @ me), but I don’t think you can.

Have a fantastic Memorial Day weekend.