Slaughter of first-borns could save £50bn in Child Benefit, pledges Theresa May

In a radical overhaul of the welfare system, prime minister Theresa May has set out plans for a measured policy of infanticide that could massively reduce the UK deficit, according to experts.

The proposed scheme, which will initially target northern cities with a high proportion of working-class people, would bring an abrupt end to the ‘culture of entitlement’ to a child.

The elimination of poor northern children under the age of two, if successful, could eventually be extended to less impoverished kids in London and the South East who bath on weekdays and have never used an outside toilet.

The proposals are seen as ‘red meat’ to disgruntled Tories eager to put some clear blue water between themselves and the financial consequences of Brexit, even if it’s teeming with thousands of screaming babies floating downstream in Fortnum & Mason hampers.

Last night Jeremy Corbyn accused the Conservatives of a ‘lurch to the right’, slamming the policy as draconian and possibly Herodian.

He suggested as many as three of his MPs could abstain from a Commons vote, adding, “Many of us in the Labour shadow cabinet are planning to sit on the fence on this issue, assuming the fence hasn’t been used to prop up some kind of mass grave.

“I’d definitely have a problem with that.”

But Work and Pensions Secretary, Damien Green, who engineered the policy, countered:

“As well as saving the country an estimated £50bn over the four years of ‘implementation’, it would mean less chaotic supermarkets, fewer 4x4s on the road, and an eerie silence when absent-mindedly walking into a creche.

“We’re admittedly a little unsure how this will play with the public, but nothing could be as bad as the shitstorm we kicked up when we suggested middle-class pensioners could lose their free TV licences.”