I was going to do the typical IT geek thing: blog about myself and how great I am. You know — buy a domain, build a website, write some content, stick it on a SaaS platform somewhere. Make it all Bootstrappy and Markdown-y with some cool little Font Awesome icons for TwitFaceLink. Stick my CV (resume for Freedom Brits) up in there too so people could see how accomplished I am. Problem is, I don’t know how to do any of that stuff. I bought the domain, created a couple of S3 buckets and a CloudFront distribution, even got an SSL cert. Vanity AND security, people!

Then, I started to realise that I had to fill this glorious mess with content, so I started looking at static site generators. And as usual, I lost my mind the minute I started reading the documentation. Concepts like “static sites”, “page metadata”, “favicons”… sure, I knew what they meant, but I couldn’t put the knowledge into context. I had no idea how to generate a site on my Windows computer running Linux. I didn’t know how I was supposed to structure the directory tree to make the content generate. What about actually writing the content? Do I use Markdown, RST, plain text, HTML, CSS, JS, all of the above?How do I embed pictures? How do I make it look nice? And while reading the documentation, my mind kept wandering off.

Focused on other things.

Panicked that I wasn’t taking anything in.

Irrationally irritated by any little noise or disturbance in my vicinity.

Distracted by any little thing that’d take me away from the incomprehensible wall o’ text that loomed between me and mastery of my internet presence.

Meanwhile, the bully in my head, the same bastard that’s been sitting squarely in my happy place since I was 5, kept whispering in my ear. Reminding me that I don’t have to do this, how heavy my arms and body feel, how tired and despondent trying to understand the basics of a simple website makes me. Letting me know how this isn’t benefiting me and that I might as well give up. Exulting in the fact that no one but me will read it anyway, and I’ll get frustrated and cry like I always do, so I might as well stop.

And that’s why I’m writing this on Medium. Because, after hitting my head against Pelican, Jekyll and Hugo, I couldn’t get my head around the basic concepts of static site generation. I could’ve tried harder if it wasn’t for the arsehole in my brain fogging things up and bouncing new concepts off my forehead before they penetrate.

For ease of reference, let’s call this guy Kenny. He’s been in my head for as long as I remember, reminding me that no one likes me and that I’m going to be a failure. I was so terrified of talking to people or engaging with them that I spent as long as I could with my head in a book, because of what Kenny told me they thought of me. Still do, to a degree. Kenny told me I looked stupid when I danced or ran or laughed or spoke, so eventually I stopped. Kenny still tells me to this day that I’m incapable of learning anything logical, so I freak out when I look at numbers or puzzles. Kenny tells me I’m ugly, so I avoid exercise or public exertion and eat my feelings. Kenny’s a fat, smirking little fucker with a poison voice. His tentacle arms whip my amygdalae until they flood me with cortisol and adrenalin. Since I moved to Ireland, Kenny’s grown from bratty kid to snotty teenager and sits in my ears more than ever.

I’m tired of having this guy in my head telling me what I can and can’t do. I don’t know how to get rid of him; I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 8 years old, I’ve been (and am) on antidepressants, and I’ve run away from more stressors than I’ve dealt with. No matter what I do, however loudly I talk over Kenny, he can shout louder.

Imagine you’re looking at a page of text, or an instructional video. You’re required to take in the contents of the material and understand it reasonably well after one or two passes. I’m not sure how most people accomplish this; my method is reading and making notes if necessary. However, between two and ten minutes after starting to read, Kenny starts whispering “Hey, what’s the point of reading this? You’ve never been able to understand this kind of stuff. You never will. You just aren’t that guy. Give up now”. It’s quite jarring when this happens, and causes a lapse in concentration. Once he starts talking, that’s it; my eyes skate over the material and I’m constantly battling the whispers to absorb more information, falling further and further behind until I give up and panic. Repeat ad nauseam.

I don’t know what the actual psychological or medical issue at the root of this is. I could blame depression, ASD, anxiety disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, panic disorder, whatever. No one’s ever been able to figure it out, so I’m going to give up and attribute my particular brand of brain fuckery to the fat little bully in my brain. I want him out but he’s too strong. I don’t know how to make him leave.

I’m starting group therapy through Aware today. I’ll keep on the medicine, get a therapist, practice breathing techniques, whatever ‘they’ say people like me should do. People with bullies in their heads.

Stay strong.