Selections from my forthcoming Harry Potter and the Methods of Neoreaction:

“Slytherin!” the sorting hat cried before it even touched Harry’s head.

“You see Albus,” Harry continued, waxing eloquently, “What the Golden Snitch is to Quidditch, the natural aristocrat is to society. Indeed I have mapped out a compleat system of civilization in which the Bludgers are- Stop eating my candy, this is serious!“



Ron gazed in horror at the empty vault. There was nothing left. “All of the- all of your gold! It’s gone!”

”Invested Ron. Invested in the future,” Harry said knowingly. “When all this is dust, what will we fall back on? In the end, gold won’t even buy bread.”

”But, what…”

”You’re looking at the proud owner of several thousand acres in rural Idaho.”

Ron gurgled uncomprehendingly.

“Brothers and sisters, please! Heed my call! For too long the magical world has sat aloof from the rest of humanity. For too long have we held ourselves to be superior. We have certain abilities, yes, but there is so much we can learn from them as well. Despite our divisions, there is so much more that unites us. How can we stand by and let others live and die in ignorance and poverty? Let us embrace one another in love and fellowship,” cackled Voldemort.

“[8 page speech redacted],” Harry said wryly.

Hermione continued to wash the dishes.



Malfoy sat at Potter’s feet. He could barely follow the stream of words, but found them mesmerizing nonetheless. Here was a worldview that suited him! He dared to venture a question. “This is incredible. The Cathedral, the decadence of wizardry, it all makes so much sense. It changes everything. But when do we move beyond blogging about it?“



Harry gurgled uncomprehendingly.

