It sounds strange to think of your partner as your parent, but this is exactly what happens emotionally in a loving relationship. As we learned from imago theory, people choose partners who have both the positives and negatives of their caregivers, and then spend their lives trying to change them into what they wanted their ideal caregiver to be.

So, a woman with a successful, very busy dad who never gave her much attention may be drawn to a similarly successful guy who is emotionally unavailable. Then she will subconsciously be triggered every time he ignores her or chooses work instead of spending time with her, and will feel even more hurt, abandoned, and angry about these episodes than would another woman who didn’t have a history of dealing with an emotionally unavailable parent.

This woman will also probably make it her life’s work to “make” her partner be more emotionally open. If she succeeds in this, and he eventually does spend more time with her, she will feel gratified, and this may even help heal her from the wounds of her childhood surrounding this issue. But, if he continues to choose work over her, she will feel worse and worse about him, the relationship, and herself.

In a loving marriage, each partner allows him or herself to be “reparented” by their partner. So, if the aforementioned couple were to work on their marriage, the wife would realize that she likely picked a man like her father because this was familiar to her, and also because she subconsciously was hoping to change a man like this into a more attentive, expressive person, like she always wished that her father would become.

From hearing his wife discuss these issues, her husband would learn that his distance is a trigger for his wife based on her childhood experiences with her dad. He would learn that if he has to stay late at work or finds himself zoning out and thinking about other things when he is spending time with his wife, he can prevent her from becoming sad and angry by openly telling her, “I love you, I’m sorry but I have to be at work now/am thinking about work now. Let’s spend time together later, at X time.”

In a best case scenario, he might also start to prioritize his wife over work, or express to her that he is more emotionally invested in her than in work. This would “reparent” the wife. She would now learn that an attachment figure can in fact be both successful and busy and also emotionally present. This experience never occurred with her dad, but it would be happening now. This would allow her insecure, preoccupied attachment with her father to change into a secure attachment with her husband.

And this works both ways. Let’s say a husband had an avoidant attachment style with his mom and learned that she always wanted him to achieve so that she could brag about him. He may be subconsciously drawn to a wife who was also impressed by his career, which would feel familiar to him, but he would likely also resent her for it, equating her subconsciously with his mother.

But let’s say a couple like this were to try to work on their marriage and become more aware of their triggers and the contribution of their upbringings to their current relationship. The husband could realize that part of his initial attraction to his wife was probably the familiarity of a woman who is impressed by his accomplishments. He would also learn to express that he never really felt sure that his mother would have liked him as much had he not been such a high achiever, and that he may worry about this same thing with his wife.

If his wife then empathized with his experience, she could tell him that she likes and loves many things about him in addition to his success. She could be sure not to focus on complimenting only his successes at work, but also make loving comments about other aspects of his personality. This would help the husband to be “reparented” by his wife, and to feel secure with an attachment figure for the first time.

It is important to keep in mind that everyone has a secret fantasy that their partner could learn to meet their every need. This isn’t realistic, but it is a normal desire. When you explore what was missing in your childhood (no matter how wonderful your parents were, nobody is perfect and perfectly responsive) and what you always yearned for as a child, it can help you understand why you are focused on obtaining certain desired behaviors from your partner.

If you can introspect about the links between your childhood and what you want now from your partner, and express this to your partner, it can also help your partner understand you and want to provide a healing and emotionally reparative experience for you in adulthood. Try it! And read more about imago theory in the great book Getting the Love You Want.

Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Wants You To Understand Yourself And Your Relationship.

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Order Dr. Rodman’s newest book, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and order her first book: How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person

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