DJs are assholes. Throw us in front of some turntables and it doesn’t matter if it’s EDC or the small patch of carpeting outside the Manhattan Mall Gap store, we quickly morph into pompous monsters. Mostly, it’s a power thing. We have MP3s and the ability to play them through a large sound-system and you do not, giving us a highly false sense of importance and yes, sometimes a drug problem to boot.

And look — I feel terrible. I’d like to apologize for all of us, as you seem really nice and I bet we’d be super bffs IRL. But there are two sides to every coin. Your side? The interminable onslaught of requests. Of course, like a hooker catching the clap or egregious lip-syncing at a Britney show, some requester interaction comes with the territory. We know this and we try to cope as best we can, aiming to honor the spirit of our Lord AM.

But dealing with an endless parade of song petitioners night after night, month upon month, year after molly-ed out year is enough to turn even the Zen Buddhist-ist of DJs into a spiteful piece of shit. More than that, turning requesters down becomes essential to doing our job. We’d never get through a set, otherwise.

Often, though, saying “no” isn’t nearly enough. Sometimes it even gets you slapped. So DJs have had to get creative. I’ve personally tried numerous, sometimes heinous and despicable methods of dismissal over the years that I’m not necessarily proud of.

So in keeping with my profession-wide mea culpa for our DJ douchebaggery — and as a cleansing of my own soul — I’m going to list some techniques that I and some of my DJ friends have used to avoid taking your requests over the years. These are our confessions. My hope is that this will clarify the fog of mystery that hangs between the DJ and requester, perhaps foster some mutual understanding and maybe, just maybe, give us all hope for the future of humanity and more importantly, nightclubbing. And again, I really am sorry. For all of us. Let’s dive in.

1. The DJ Beethoven

I’ll start with a personal fav: pretending that I’m the Beethoven of DJs, operating this entire sound-driven operation though pulses in the floor. “Can you play ‘Levels?’ it’s my friend’s birthday!” “What!?” “It’s her birthday!” “What, I can’t hear you!” “I said can you please pla…” (quickly turns away and pretends the interaction never happened and that you are apparition).

The truth is, I heard you. Loud and clear. We all did. Rest assured though that the joke will ultimately be on the DJs who use this technique. Due to our frequent proximity to loudspeakers and the fact that wearing earplugs would totally clash with our jean jackets and fedoras, we’ll all likely lose our hearing, and thus our swag, joy and very livelihoods, at some point soon. Either way, I’m sorry. “What!?” “I said I’m sorry!!!!”

2. The “Yes!” *Eyeroll* Move

Perfected by my homie CFLO, in this method the DJ says, “Yes! I will play your request,” to your face, then rolls his eyes at you while you walk away and will never actually play your request. A similar technique, the kill ‘em with kindness is a favorite of DJ Equal’s. “Omg I love that song too! I really want to play it ASAP; I will do my best to sneak it in,” says a DJ who in fact does not love that song and will likely not do his best to sneak it in.

This technique may appear an easy out for the DJ, but while it neatly solves his problem short-term, he is ultimately setting himself up for an unfortunate follow up appointment. In any case, just like the thot you’re trying to bag at the club that night, never trust a DJ who says “yes” too easily. We are all sorry.

3. The “Yes!” *Eyeroll* Move Pt. 2

Upon the preordained follow-up, CFLO does something pretty smart and daring by referencing Janet Jackson. “What have you done for me lately?” he asks with sweet doe-eyes upon your return to the booth.

Most people requesting songs are young women who have likely never heard of “What Have You Me For Lately.” As a result, this method often ends in blank stares after which the requester throws in the towel in a state of utter confusion. Here’s a tip: Listen to “What Have You Done For Me Lately,” love “What Have You Done For Me Lately” and then request “What Have You Done For Me Lately.” I would most def play “What Have You Done For Me Lately.” Would you, CFLO? As usual though, I am sorry for the both of us.

4. The Been There, Done That

My boy Dexter Love told me that the easiest way of nixing a request is the classic, “I’ve already played that.” But the harsh reality is that Dexter hasn’t played it yet, he never will and he’s sorry.