Unlucky in love? Fret not – vajazzle your va-jay-jay and all will be well with the world. What do you mean, you don't know what that means? It's all the rage in celebrity land

My favourite ­celebrity fact used to be that Elizabeth Hurley classified six ­raisins as a ­l­egi­timate snack. (My delight was ­further burnished when at around the same time she also let slip that They refer to Us as "civilians". ­Welcome to LaLa Land, where ­wearing Versace to premieres ­evidently counts as military service.) Then it was the fact that Simon Cowell has black toilet paper in all his loos. And I thought my current favourite would never be bettered, which is that Hugh Laurie and Jay Leno are the proud owners of the Burger King gold card, entitling them to – and you may want to hold on to your civilian hats for this one, folks – free hamburgers and fries for life! Looking down on that golden rectangle, they must have wept like Alexander, for there were no more worlds left to conquer.

But this week there came a ­reve­lation from actor Jennifer Love Hewitt that – both metaphorically and, now that I think about it, ­literally – unveiled a brand new and unsuspected vista of uncharted territory. I shall quote the lady in full, as to paraphrase would be to lose too much in a world already running low on exuberance.

"After I broke up with my ­boyfriend," said the star of Ghost Whisperer, I Know What You Did Last Summer and... um... I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, "a friend Swarovski-crystalled my ­precious lady and it shone like a disco ball. Women should vajazzle their va-jay-jays!"

There are a few times in one's life when one has to take a moment to recalibrate one's entire world view. I think this is one of them. ­Questions need to be asked and ­answered ­before we can hope to move on with our lives. Namely:

1) Has an actor who is clearly as mad as a box of frogs nevertheless ­inadvertently stumbled across the world's first truly feminist break-up ritual? What could be more ­cheering than to decorate your ­precious lady so prettily and yet more empowering than furnishing it with a serrated edge at the same time? Please do not send ­answers on a postcard. Please.

2) How soon would the beauty of the result be countermanded by the resultant chafing? Perhaps, like super-high heels, it is something only celebrities who walk no farther than a red carpet's length can sport. Civilians who have to walk to bus stops and around supermarkets and stuff might have to settle for a ­sequined version.

3) Is "vajazzle your va-jay-jay", in fact, tautologous? Does one not ­simply "vajazzle"? To whom should we apply for adjudication on this? And if the decision comes down on the side of tautology, can we appeal on the grounds that "vajazzle your va-jay-jay" is quite the most joyous-sounding phrase ever to have been uttered and that just occasionally grammar should be forced to cede to pleasure?

4) What is the makers of Swarovski crystals' current take on the adage that "all publicity is good publicity"?

5) Where can I get a friend like that? Do you know what my friends have done for me this week? One invited me to "come round and help me eat up this casserole because it's starting to make the fridge smell". One made me watch her try on clothes in a shop until I started to bleed from the ears with boredom. And another made me go out, in the cold, in the rain, to the theatre. To see a play. And a quick straw poll by email ­suggests that, of those whose ­firewalls let through the request, there isn't one of them who would even contemplate gumming a single gold star on me anywhere below the lapel line, let alone festoon my nether regions with the necessary.

There's nothing else for it. I ­cannot live like this – so dull! So unglitteringly unglamorous! – any more. I'm going to have to get ­famous or, at the very least, get some new friends.