‘Everybody is fraud or hypocrite. Especially wife’

Respected Sir/Madam,

Hello hello hello and one more hello.

This is Mr. Mathrubootham and just now I have come back from Singapore not even two hours ago. Two, three bags are still there in the sitting room next to teapoy.

As soon as the nose of plane crossed over Indian border, Mrs. Mathrubootham gave very strict instructions. Old man, she said, when we reach home don’t immediately go and write your stupid letter to newspaper, first you unpack everything, put clothes in almirah, put food items in fridge, take bath, change your clothes, call cable TV fellow, get haircut from nearby barbershop, and then and only then you must write letter.

I said ok ok ok no problem, 100% ok till further notice everything ok, because only five minutes was left in the film I was watching on the plane, Rocky III.

After Brigadier General Kamalam Mathrubootham of 105th Madras Irritation And Head-Eating Regiment gave orders, I quickly tried to see the climax but airhostess came and said please give earphones uncle, plane is landing. I said please madam five more minutes, villain is about to be defeated. She said sorry uncle it is airlines policy. I said ok fine madam please take it. She said thank you for your understanding uncle.

I said you are welcome but you have called me uncle three time in 30 seconds, once more means I will hijack this plane, take it to Bay of Bengal and throw every single headphone into the water, bloody nonsense don’t cross my limits. Afterwards, everybody got refreshing hot towel except me. I told Mrs. Mathrubootham, shall I complain about missing towel? She said old man please don’t make scene and have some shame, people will think we are some country fellows who have never seen aeroplane towel before.

Oh I see, but when you ask for 13 buns and 15 butters during one single Singapore-Chennai flight, it is perfectly fine is it? You are passenger or wholesale company? Nonsense. But if I complain about towel, family dignity is gone.

Sir/ Madam, this is the problem in our country. Everybody is fraud or hypocrite. Especially wife.

I will give you one more example. At passport checking counter, the fellow took Mrs. Mathrubootham’s passport and said, oh madam you are from Nagercoil, my mother is from Nagercoil. And then for five minutes they were doing gossiping about Nagercoil as if it is New York City. Oh you went to that school, I have been to this school. Oh you lived on that road, I lived on this road. Oh you are that mannangkatti, I am this mannangkatti.

Then I gave my passport. But now he has totally no emotion just like Ilango Adigal statue on Marina Beach. As if tongue has taken VRS and left body behind. I said, hello sir I am from Madras all my life, do you have any relatives in Anna Nagar side? He said, sir sorry, no time for small talks, the line is very long. Please proceed.

Afterwards, I looked at Mrs. Mathrubootham while waiting for baggage. Her face was shining like 200-watt bulb. I said no need to float in the air, Kamalam, these fellows will talk like that to all the ladies passengers. But did she hear? Zero. Because one airlines employee came to take customer satisfaction survey from her. I asked him, young man, do you want my feedback also. He said no, only madam’s thoughts are enough. So while they spoke for 15 minutes, I picked up all the bags from the conveyor belt and put it on the trolley.

Finally, we reached home. After two hours non-stop unpacking and house cleaning, Mrs. Mathrubootham said, ok I will quickly go to local beauty parlour and get eyebrow threading before it closes. You please continue and don’t write even a single world of letter to The Hindu. I promised on her head.

Sir/ Madam, look at my situation. Wife is getting VIP treatment everywhere. Meanwhile I am being treated like some 100-year-old uncle. Situation is very bad. Maybe yoga is not enough. I have to join gym type activity.

Ok, now I have to go and unpack two more bags before she comes. One bag is full of bun and butter.

Yours in exasperation,

J. Mathrubootham