With the release of the Apple Watch, some kind of telepathic signal went out to tech news sites everywhere saying “Time to drum up a reviewer who hates the very idea of smartwatches.” And, lo, it was made so.

Writing for Engadget, Mat Smith says ”I regret buying an Apple Watch (and I knew I would).” (Tip o’ the antlers to Elevated Equines.)

Gosh, with an open mind like that it’s hard to imagine how this didn’t work out.

I bought an Apple Watch.

THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY? MOM?

I didn’t preorder it, because at first I didn’t even want one.

It is certainly shocking to learn that people who are not very interested in a product category might end up not finding that type of product useful. Important life lesson here, kids. Pay attention. Don’t buy things you don’t want. Words to live by.

These things (Apple things) always get much better on the second attempt...

Whereas almost everyone else’s products ship in their final form on the first try.

(?)

...Apple’s product history, perhaps even more so than other tech companies, is peppered with examples: the substantially thinner second iPad, the next iPhone that had 3G data, the MacBook Air sequel that had decent battery life and a slimmer design.

This tea is so weak it violates every tenet of ISO 3103, the ISO standard for tea brewing. Here are a smattering of counter-examples: Google Glass. Microsoft Surface. Android. Windows. The Kindle. Any Android Wear device. Any Android tablet. Does the Macalope need to go on?

The problem is not so much that Apple’s 1.0 efforts are lacking, it’s that no one expects anything of other companies’ 1.0 efforts. What made the first iPhone great was the user interface. The lack of 3G didn’t obviate that. 3G wasn’t ubiquitous in 2007 and most people barely used their Internet connectivity on their phones anyway because it was a crappy user experience. The iPhone changed that with its UI. You might as well complain that the first iPod didn’t have flash storage and video capability.

Products get better over time. That’s what you meant to say. But that doesn’t mean the first editions are necessarily worthless.

Thanks to a handful of early positive-but-with-caveat reviews and even more previews in the run-up to launch, I knew what it could do. Still, I felt like there must be a way that the watch would effortlessly dovetail into my life.

I REALLY DIDN’T WANT THIS WATCH BUT YOU SHOULD TOTALLY LISTEN TO MY EXPERIENCE BUYING A THING I HATED FROM THE START.

I called up my closest exclusive fashion boutique and made an appointment for a consultation.

When you’re dubious about a product, always spend as much as you can on it.

This is like taking parenting advice from a character in a Eugene O’Neill play.

I wanted the old-school retail hit. The cold, hard sting that can only happen when you physically open your wallet to pay for This Thing You Want Right Now. To the tune of seven hundred dollars. Weeks later, it still stings.

Also, when you’re first learning to drink, you should start by going on a week-long tequila bender. That’s just common sense.

Do we even need to read the rest of this? The bad decision warning signs have already reached “Russell Brand” and he hasn’t even put the Watch on yet.

Smith’s complaint is that “it doesn’t do enough.” Well, it doesn’t do enough for you, you who were already kind of against having a smartwatch in the first place. Is it a stretch to think, yeah, maybe you should be in the market for a smartwatch before actually buying a smartwatch? It doesn’t seem like it should be.

The Macalope wouldn’t really recommend the Apple Watch for most people, particularly people who already don’t want one. But if you want fitness tracking and a more focused messaging experience, it might be for you. But if you’re not sure, don’t splurge on it. Should we have to be telling adults this?

Perhaps I’m just not a smartwatch kind of guy.

The Macalope is glad we could all go on this magical journey of self-discovery together. All the way from being pretty sure you didn’t want a smartwatch to really knowing, yeah, you didn’t want a smartwatch. Seems like forever ago we were only pretty sure you didn’t want a smartwatch! We were all so young then, so full of youthful exuberance and dreams! Oh, we’d give anything to go back to those days.

But they’re gone.

It’s also (at least in my case) $700.

I SPENT AS MUCH AS I COULD AND I SPENT TOO MUCH.

Next up on Engadget, sex addicts give dating tips. You won’t want to miss it.