MILFORD, CT—Bemoaning the tremendous loss of time and resources, frustrated executives at the Subway restaurant chain have scrapped a $150 million advertising campaign featuring Jeffrey Epstein, company officials confirmed Tuesday. “Goddammit, we were just gearing up to launch Jeffrey Epstein as the new face of Subway, and now all that work has gone down the toilet,” said chief brand and innovation officer Len Van Popering, explaining that sex-trafficking charges filed against Epstein yesterday had derailed Subway’s biggest advertising push in years, which was set to begin with ads introducing the billionaire financier as the brand’s new spokesperson. “He was supposed to be Jeffrey, the Subway Guy, for chrissakes! We bought network airtime. We paid God knows how much to plaster his face all over cups, sandwich wrappers, and window displays, which have already shipped to our 42,000 locations worldwide. We even spent a few hundred thousand dollars working with our chefs to devise a limited-edition grilled lamb sandwich with all of his favorite ingredients.” At press time, Subway was reportedly looking into replacing Epstein with Academy Award–winning filmmaker Roman Polanski.

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