Interviews with Prospective Groups of Interest

WANTED: GROUP OF INTEREST A hero is only as good as the villain. The SCP Foundation is looking for prospective Groups of Interest, which can attempt to oppose the SCP Foundation and emphasise the obvious superiority of the SCP Foundation. Interviews will be conducted on ██/██/████ at Dr. Clef's office. Interview date is protected by a memetic seal that can only be bypassed by specific beings. If the interview date is visible to you, you really should participate in the interview. There will be free drinks.

Dr. Clef: Who are you again? ASCI Director: The American Secure Containment Initiative. Dr. Clef: You can't just take two out of our three slogans like that. ASCI Director: You're the ones who took our title. We're your predecessor, one of them at least. Dr. Clef: If you're gonna become us, why are you here? ASCI Director: Apparently, predecessors are still classified as minor GoIs. Dr. Clef: Buddy, didn't you see the job ad? We're looking for villains. If you will become us in the future, you can't be the villains. That will make us, the heroes, look bad. ASCI Director: I can at least join the winning side, right? Dr. Clef: … I'm afraid you're mistaken, friend. You will never join the winning side. You're just a stale reductionist representative. Folks like me are forever the winning side, but we always find use for lackeys and cannon fodder. [smiles]

Dr. Clef: So, you're the daughter of one of our Staffs who had gained multiversal knowledge? The Black Queen: Huh, I will not say it like that, but basically, yes… Dr. Clef: In that case, I don't know what sort of villain you can be. I mean, right now, I can only imagine you as a rip-off of this weird caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland. The Black Queen: Wait! My goal is to destroy the Foundation AND I'm not alone, me and my Sisters share the same goal. Dr. Clef: Listen, I don't think that little kids are the best opponents… Dr. Clef is interrupted by the sudden entrance of 380 other Black Queens. Some of them look exhausted and some others apologize for being late. Dr. Clef, muttering to himself: Okay… what is the moment when this interview turned into a World War Z remake?

An interdimensional portal openes and an ancient daevite beast steps out. Dr. Clef: Take a seat. Daevite: Eldritch screeching Dr. Clef: Fuck this.

Robo-Dude: I AM ROBO-DUDE, A INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF DR. WONDERTAINMENT. I AM HERE TO COLLECT THE FREE DRINKS, ROBO-PAL. Dr. Clef: Why? You are a robot. Robo-Dude: NOT FOR ME BUT DR. WONDERTAINMENT. I AM HERE TO COLLECT THE FREE DRINKS FOR DR. WONDERTAINMENT. Dr. Clef: Why don't he come and get them himself? Robo-Dude: DO NOT INTIMIDATE ROBO-DUDE. DR. WONDERTAINMENT IS A BUSY TOY MAKER AND THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE COMES EQUIPPED WITH AN ATOMIC GRENADE IN THE EVENT YOU FAIL TO FOLLOW UP WITH THE PROMISED FREE DRINKS. Dr. Clef: Kinda extreme for a toy… Kids these days are so lucky. Anyway, the drinks are at that table next to the bowl of chips, which is mine so no touching that. Robo-Dude: THANK YOU, ROBO-PAL. Dr. Clef: You know Dr. Wondertainment should pay an actual visit next time. They could make- [Robo-Dude grabs all the drinks and vanishes in a bright blue light] Dr. Clef: Did he really just take all the damn soda?

Dr. Clef: So that's your entire mission? Finding a grave for Genghis Khan? Berke Khan: He asked for an unmarked grave, and that is what he shall receive! Dr. Clef: So what, you're searching through time for an unmarked grave? Berke Khan: Precisely! We shall travel until we find a time when nobody remembers Genghis Khan, and then we shall return to the past to continue our campaigns, with the spoils of the future! Dr. Clef: But you're only going forward in time? Berke Khan: Always forward! Dr. Clef: So really, all we need to do is fund a couple of low budget movies and books every so often, and keep good records on the most deadly conqueror in the history of mankind? We don't even have to be accurate, we could even whitewash Genghis. Berke Khan: What's a movie? Dr. Clef: Look, I know who your father is. Berke Khan: No! I must continue my travels. Berke Khan uses his Roman time machine to travel into the future. Dr. Clef: Nobody had ever heard of Genghis Khan in 1160. Just saying.

Dr. Clef: So, bottom line, you're a circus? Herman Fuller: Not just any circus, my good man. Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting is The Circus, the Greatest Show in all the Worlds! Surely you've heard of us. Dr. Clef: … Herman Fuller: You're joking. Dr. Clef: Well, I remember there were a few good scips about you a few years ago, then there was almost nothing until last year when we started getting all these weird stories coming in for some reason. Herman Fuller: That's right, we've got a cannon now! Dr. Clef: A canon? Herman Fuller: That's right, Alty, a 90-foot-long cannon: solid cast iron, fires balls three feet wide, and is accurate to within 3 miles. Don't tell me that doesn't make us a formidable enemy! Dr. Clef: Look, Mr. Fuller, every time we try to raid your Circus you just vanish into thin air. We're looking for an enemy that's a little more… menacing. Herman Fuller: More menacing? More menacing? Sir, you show me one six-year-old in the world who isn't afraid of Clowns and then say we're not menacing! Dr. Clef: We don't employ six-year-olds, so that's a moot point. Hey, come to think of it, last I read you weren't even still in charge of the Circus of the Disquieting. Herman Fuller: I assure you, sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Dr. Clef: In fact, you're supposed to be in containment. You're a mediocrely rated SCP now. Herman Fuller: I have had enough of these preposterous accusations! Good day sir! Dr. Clef: Don't get your strings caught in the door on your way out, Pinocchio.

Dr. Clef: General, weren't you guys defeated in the Pacific War? Kakure Shogun: Yes, that happened. Circumstances beyond IJAMEA's control, to be precise. But we have survived the war, and infiltrated almost all segments of society. Dr. Clef: Standard secret organisation, eh? Kakure Shogun: We have factions like the Kakure Shogun and Jirai. In English, they are 'hidden generals' and 'landmine' respectively. Dr. Clef: General, look. We already have ORIA and GRU-P for our obligatory foreign organisation GoI. Three's a crowd. And yellow peril's so dead. Your group has absolutely no appeal at all. Kakure Shogun: Doctor, I will not tolerate Orientalism. This is about the sacrifices of many people who died at war. Can you just let people die for nothing? Dr. Clef: Speaking of dying, we beat your entire group. And that's your place, buddy. [snaps finger] [Kakure Shogun is replaced with a human skeleton, which quickly crumbles to dust.]

[Dr. Clef stares blankly at the empty chair in his office, nodding his head.] Dr. Clef: I see you are truly Nobody. I think we can fit you in whenever we feel like it. Next!

Dr Clef: And… you represent? Generic Waffen-SS Commander: I am here on behalf of ze Obskurakorps of ze Third Reich. Hei- [He is cut short by a bullet to the head.] Dr Clef: Yeah, no. Fuck Nazis.

Dr Clef: Anyone there? ???: ⛧ I̶̺̼̊ͅ ̴̭͎̖̒̕h̸͔̱̍̌a̶͔͔̒ț̸̀ę̶̝̟̝͚̽ ̷̺̲̤̯͊̃̉͂ͅy̷̠̦͚̪̽̏̔ơ̵͍̕ư̶͙͍̱̺̈͆̈́ͅ ⛧ Dr Clef: I swear we had someone penciled in for this time slot. ???: ⛧ I̶̺̼̊ͅ ̴̭͎̖̒̕h̸͔̱̍̌a̶͔͔̒ț̸̀ę̶̝̟̝͚̽ ̷̺̲̤̯͊̃̉͂ͅy̷̠̦͚̪̽̏̔ơ̵͍̕ư̶͙͍̱̺̈͆̈́ͅ ⛧ ⛧ I̶̺̼̊ͅ ̴̭͎̖̒̕h̸͔̱̍̌a̶͔͔̒ț̸̀ę̶̝̟̝͚̽ ̷̺̲̤̯͊̃̉͂ͅy̷̠̦͚̪̽̏̔ơ̵͍̕ư̶͙͍̱̺̈͆̈́ͅ ⛧ ⛧ I̶̺̼̊ͅ ̴̭͎̖̒̕h̸͔̱̍̌a̶͔͔̒ț̸̀ę̶̝̟̝͚̽ ̷̺̲̤̯͊̃̉͂ͅy̷̠̦͚̪̽̏̔ơ̵͍̕ư̶͙͍̱̺̈͆̈́ͅ ⛧ Dr. Clef checks the daily schedule to verify meeting time. ???: ⛥ D̵̜̼̈͆ŏ̸̭̤͇̈̽n̷̦̝̪͎̓̅̑͝'̷̅̿̈͜t̸͉̎̿ ̶̨͙̠̙̈́̑̆̚i̷͈̹̫͗͂́͝g̸̠̻̗̬̲͝n̵͖̬̈́̉͗̋͜ö̶̹̙̪͍̬́̽͝͝r̵̢̥̠̝͛e̸̢̻̽ ̸̺̿͑m̶̞͎͝e̶̛̳͂̚!̴̡͎̩̑̏͝ ⛧ Dr Clef: Yeah, I definitely arranged for them to get an after-lunch interview right now. ???: ⛥ L̴̪̆͋̀͘I̸̥̩̍́̉̋ͅS̶̢̤͚̤͌̅Ṯ̷̢̳̘̀̓̇̏͘È̷̬͇̱̃̃́͝N̴̈́ͅ ̴̥̬̔̚T̶͙̖̠̋͘̕͠Ơ̵͔͔͙̈́̎̇̎ ̵̧̹̹̆M̷̻̗̟̈̄͜Y̷̹͔̭̩̒̆̈́͝ ̷͖̭͍̩̂͘S̶̨͍̳̙̲̐̂̂̃C̸͔͎̯̘̑̇̊̎R̷̥̗͉̅̑̏͒̚E̸̦̾͘A̶̲̭̾M̶̨͉̬͔̬̑̕Ś̴͖̞̑̅͜ ⛥ Dr Clef: Guess it's a no-show then. ???: This is why I hate you. Dr Clef: What a shame.

Grand Karcist Ion: Pleasure to meet you, Clef. Dr. Clef: Indeed, Grand Karcist. Please tell me more about this Sarkicism. Grand Karcist Ion: [visibly irritated] Firstly, I would prefer if you do not use the s-word. This is 2017. We should not be subject to such language. Dr. Clef: I'm sorry, 'hon. Keep on talking. Grand Karcist Ion: I represent the Nälkä, an ancient religion dated back to what you would call the Bronze Age. Our faith's tenets include the shepherding of the flesh- Dr. Clef: Ah, that's your schtick! You can be the obligatory antagonists if we need some body horror and unspeakably ancient religion! Thank you for coming down today, Grand Karcist. Grand Karcist Ion: Wait! I haven't told you our deity's UST with the Broken God and our equally ancient war with the Church of the Broken God! Dr Clef: That's a bit unnecessarily complicated. Besides, the focus should be the Foundation. If you're so fixated with the Church of the Broken God, why don't you go to their interview site? [Grand Karcist Ion disappears from Dr. Clef's office.] Dr. Clef: Our original proposition still stands, if you're still interested!

[Dr. Clef leans forward and peers over the desk at the ten-year old girl sitting on the other side.] Dr. Clef: Aren't you a little young to be a GOI? SCP-231-7: Well, I'm not the GOI. I'm here on behalf of the Scarlet King, also known as blackbox-blackbox-blackbox-blackbox, the Devourer of Worlds. Dr. Clef: He sent a ten-year old girl to do his bidding? SCP-231-7: Yes, that's kind of his schtick. Adult fear and such. Dr. Clef: And he's not here because…? SCP-231-7: Well, the Scarlet King is currently imprisoned, bound in an extradimensional prison by seven chains. Dr. Clef: Isn't that a little cliche? SCP-231-7: Ah, but listen to this. See, I'm the chain, in a metaphysical sense. Or, rather, my child is. [Dr. Clef scrutinizes the little girl. She does not appear to be pregnant.] SCP-231-7: We have to wait until right before you contain us, so there can be suspense. Dr. Clef: Ah. And how, exactly, are you supposed to be contained? SCP-231-7: Way ahead of you. We made detailed notes. [SCP-231-7 hands Dr. Clef a spiral notebook. He opens it and is visibly surprised.] Dr. Clef: This says we have to [DATA EXPUNGED] you every 24 hours. SCP-231-7: Well, of course. I mean, I'm containing an Apollyon-class entity. Dr. Clef: Apollyon? What the Hell is that? SCP-231-7: It's even worse than Keter! Isn't that edgy? [Disgusted, Dr. Clef hands the notebook back to SCP-231-7.] Dr. Clef: Sorry, this is the lolFoundation, not the edgyFoundation. SCP-231-7: So you're not going to [DATA EXPUNGED] me? Dr. Clef: Um, no. SCP-231-7: …not even once? Dr. Clef: Okay, we're done here.