NEW YORK—In response to the pipe bomb explosion this morning at the Port Authority Bus Terminal, Metropolitan Transit Authority officials assured New Yorkers Monday that today’s subway will run just as fucked up as normal. “The MTA anticipates no changes to the regular amount of severe overcrowding and pain-in-the-ass delays that will infuriate the ever-living fuck out of you today,” said MTA official Derek Egger, adding that the citizens of New York City can rest easy knowing that their commute will be unremarkably shitty with the regular amount of excessive waiting times on platforms dangerously packed with hundreds of other people while the standard number of out-of-service trains speed by without stopping. “The MTA is committed to ensuring that our customers stay informed on the total bullshit that they’re about to get themselves into on the subway every morning, and this should be a relatively run-of-the-mill annoying as hell day. Everyone can expect a smooth, 40-minute-behind-schedule trip to work involving several typical, unexpected train transfers.” At press time, MTA officials announced that due to an incident earlier that day, passengers should expect their evening commute to be more totally fucked than usual.

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