



Lonely Hearts, Listen Up!

By Inga Kiderra

Online dating used to be rare. Now it has become the third most common way that couples meet. One in three heterosexual relationships and two in three same-sex relationships start online. If you’re trying your luck on a dating site or thinking about doing so, sociologist Kevin Lewis has three bits of advice for you.

Lewis majored in sociology and philosophy at UC San Diego with a minor in math, then went off to Harvard for grad school. He is now back at his undergrad alma mater as a sociology prof in the Division of Social Sciences, crunching big data to understand how society works. He studies social networks – both the age-old, in-person kind and today’s digital manifestations of them. He also studies online dating. And, yes, he’s dated online himself. Here’s what Lewis has to say about finding love the modern way:

No. 1 – Give it a go

Dating sites don’t have any idea what they’re doing. Your odds of being compatible with someone they recommend probably aren’t any different from your odds of being compatible with someone you meet offline. That said, there are a LOT of people online – many of whom you would never have met offline – so online dating is great if you feel like you’re not meeting enough people.

Dating online is particularly advantageous for people who are looking for a very specific trait, especially if it’s hard to identify who has that trait just by looking at them. It’s also helpful for people who are facing a “thin” romantic market offline. By that I mean anyone who has a hard time finding other people like them, whether this is people looking for same-sex partnership, people who are aging and single, or any other statistical minority.

Just remember to keep your expectations modest! Oh, and be honest! Distorting the truth may help land you a first date with someone, but it certainly won’t bring them back for a second.

No. 2 – Step up

To heterosexual women: I know online dating sucks. (It sucks for heterosexual men, too. But men, if you think you have it bad, try creating a false account as a woman for a while and see what that looks like.)

One thing that might help is initiating contact more often yourself. Men are way more likely to reply than you are, and it will give you a lot more choice in the process.

I get that this makes some women uncomfortable, it’s not very traditional, etc. So if traditional is what you’re looking for, continue to restrict yourself to the, um, “interesting” pool of people who contact you first. Every once in a while you might get lucky!

No. 3 – Take a look in the mirror

This third piece is most important. One reason that online dating is so attractive and at times so disappointing is that it contributes to the notion that there is “someone for everyone” and all we have to do is find our “soulmate.” I do believe that there’s probably “someone for everyone,” but it’s also the case that some people are simply better potential partners than others.

My biggest piece of advice for anyone who is online dating (or dating of any kind) is to put at least as much work into self-improvement as you put into finding someone else.

Spending time on yourself will not only strengthen your partnership when you do find that person – it’ll help you better identify them – and it will make the loneliness you endure in the meantime not only more bearable, but potentially even pleasant and fulfilling.

If you’re intrigued about what else Kevin Lewis has to say – how “big data” is (and isn’t) changing what we know about human mate selection – the demographics of online dating – and whether relationships started online are any longer or happier, read on. Click on each question to see his response. Or you can “expand all” at once. Happy reading!

Kevin Lewis also studies online activism, how friendships form and how ideas spread. To learn more, check out his website.