BATON ROUGE, LA—Following on the heels of controversial abortion laws enacted by state legislatures across the South, Louisiana lawmakers passed a resolution this week that requires aborted fetuses to be given a full jazz funeral procession through the French Quarter. “While we recognize that women have the right to terminate a pregnancy, this law helps protect the sanctity of life by mandating that a horse-drawn hearse carry the fetal remains to the cemetery while a brass band plays funeral dirges with a swinging, up-tempo beat,” said House Majority Leader Lance Harris, telling reporters that the law would give women an opportunity to reflect on the seriousness of their decision during the week-long celebration honoring the aborted fetus in grand New Orleans style. “Unfortunately, there are too many women who treat abortions as a form of birth control, and we hope that being ordered to witness dozens of brightly dressed mourners marching and dancing down Bourbon Street while drums and trumpets belt out ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’ will serve as an effective deterrent, especially as the mother will be expected to foot the bill for parade services as well as the beignets and Café du Monde coffee enjoyed by the funeral procession along the route.” Harris added that the law did make certain exceptions, noting that in cases where the mother’s life was at risk, she would only be required to bake the fetus into a king cake and feed it to the father.

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