Porn has existed since man first discovered how to draw naked people on cave walls, and we’ve debated whether or not it’s healthy for just about as long. I doubt we’re ever going to have a clear consensus on the effects of porn usage, but there are still some simple guidelines you can follow if you’d like to improve your relationship with porn.


Practice Moderation

This is perhaps the single most important suggestion I can make: when it comes to porn, it’s tricky to define addiction, or to clearly draw the line between healthy and unhealthy behaviors. The best thing that you can do is practice moderation.


Experiment with setting guidelines for yourself, based on your porn consumption habits and your particular concerns. Here are some examples:

Alternate your masturbation sessions to allow porn one time, and avoid it the next.

Set a 30 minute timer for yourself, so you don’t get sucked into video after video.

Only watch porn on the weekends.

Only watch porn with your partner.

There’s no one right answer, and some may be more effective for you than others—but establishing some guidelines can help.


Take a Break Once in a While

Even if you feel relatively comfortable with your porn habits, it’s still a good idea to take regular breaks from porn. Stepping away from RedTube every once in a while will give you the opportunity to evaluate your habits more objectively and make necessary changes to your behaviors.


It’s also great to take breaks when you feel like your porn watching tendencies have gotten a little out of control. If you find yourself watching porn more often than you’d care to admit, try going on a hiatus for two to four weeks. Use apps like Self Control if you don’t trust your own willpower.

You may also notice that regular breaks from porn can rev up your desire for sex. For some men, porn has a way of making real life sex seem less appealing or enticing. If you notice that effect, it’s yet another reason to reconsider your habits.


Seek Out Variety

Many people tend to watch the same type of porn over and over. I like to encourage my clients to broaden their horizons, and even try watching porn in genres they never thought they’d be into. Doing so is a good way to explore your sexuality and find out more about what you like. It can also open up conversations with your partner about the kinds of behaviors you’d like to incorporate into your sex life (“You like cock and ball torture? Well shucks, me too!”). There’s so much out there to explore, so why limit yourself to female-female-male threesomes?


Pay Attention to Your Body

Lots of people zone out while they’re masturbating to porn, and don’t actually pay any attention to their bodies. This can lead to a disconnected relationship with your body, which can in turn lead to things like less orgasmic control (the less you’re paying attention, the easier it is for the point of no return to sneak up on you). Try to view porn as a complement to your masturbation sessions, rather than the star of the show. When you’re watching, take breaks to look away from the screen and down at your body. Or try closing your eyes and really feeling into the sensations of touching yourself.


Recognize When You’re Doing It for the Wrong Reasons

There are a wide variety of motivations that drive people to watch porn. Some are simple and obvious—“I’m horny”—while others are more complex. Many men use porn as a way to soothe emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, or loneliness. Some men have relied on porn to regulate their emotions for so long that they don’t even realize they’re turning to it for those reasons. You don’t want porn to be your only coping mechanism, nor do you want it to make it harder for you to identify what you’re feeling.


If you suspect you may have used porn for some not-so-great reasons in the past, try this simple technique: each time you feel pulled to watch porn, ask yourself, “what am I actually feeling right now? Is there something I’m not wanting to pay attention to or acknowledge?” If you notice something coming up for you, try to address it in another way, like by going for a run or talking to a friend. Or try setting a ground rule for yourself that you’ll only watch porn when you’re in a good mood.

Incorporate Porn into Your Relationship

No matter how porn-positive you are, it’s hard to deny that porn destroys a lot of relationships. I get so many emails from people who complain that their partner doesn’t make any effort to be sexual together, but watches porn alone all the time. It’s understandable — after all, people and relationships are far more complicated than cracking open your laptop—but it’s still hurtful. It’s perfectly okay to have your own private relationship with porn, but you also want to make sure that you’re not cutting out your partner with your porn usage.


Perhaps the most important aspect of incorporating porn into your relationship is being honest with your partner about your habits. When porn has been a problem for my clients, it’s mostly because one partner was lying about their porn usage. I know it can sound embarrassing to talk about your predilection for cumshot videos openly with your significant other, but most people are pretty realistic about the fact that porn is popular. They’re also less likely to be offended if they feel like you’re prioritizing quality time with them over quality time with your Tumblr GIFs. You can also try watching porn together as foreplay. Or you can try setting a guideline that you won’t watch porn alone when you and your partner are in the same place.


Remember That Porn Isn’t Realistic

The way that sex works in porn isn’t the way it works in real life. That sentence is so important that I will repeat it: The way that sex works in porn isn’t the way it works in real life. In the porn world, every woman loves double penetration, getting their clits slapped with a dick, and getting a face full of jizz. In the real world, some women love these activities, and some will never talk to you again if you attempt them. In the porn world, men’s dicks get rock hard immediately, stay hard for eternity, and only orgasm at the precise moment the actor (or director, rather) chooses. In the real world, penises are much, much less cooperative. There are so many things to be said about this topic, but for now, let’s stick with these:


Don’t expect your partners to like everything you’ve seen in porn. Ask your partners what their boundaries are, and what they like and what they don’t.

Don’t expect your body (or your partner’s body) to respond the way bodies do in porn.

Don’t expect that the techniques you see in porn are actually doable in real life. For example, many of the positions favored by porn directors are popular because they make for good camera angles, not because they make for good sex.

Look to actual sex education resources, like books workshops


Just remember that you don’t always need to recreate what you saw in that one video and partner will thank you. (By the way, these are also good lessons to teach your kids, if you have them.)


Support a Healthier Porn Industry

We can all create healthier relationships with porn by supporting better porn. Check out the Feminist Porn Awards or Indie Porn Revolution, both of which aim to create more authentic and diverse porn. Read about Cindy Gallup and her Make Love Not Porn crusade. Become a member of sites like Bright Desire, which showcases porn made by real couples, or O’Actually (currently in beta), which is geared towards creating more female-friendly porn. Go to Dan Savage’s HUMP! festival, which showcases amateur porn made by real people. I can’t think of a sexier kind of activism than that!


Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy. It’s her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom. Have questions about sex? You can reach her at vanessa.marin@lifehacker.com , or at VMTherapy.com.


Lifehacker: After Hours is a new blog aiming to improve your sex life. Follow us on Twitter here .