And when you hear the Absolut plug, you know Jeffrey Moran is on his way, and you'll need a fucking drink.

Coco gets special credit for her 'read' of Detox, which Detox totally takes as a compliment: "Is Amanda Lepore your mother? Because there's a lot of silicone going on there." It's probably the nicest thing Coco has said to Detox this week. Alaska's ribbing takes the win, and RuPaul explains the main challenge: a live comedy roast of RuPaul (and anybody else in the room). Alaska will decide the order of presentation, and their Swanky Cocktail Attire roast look will double as their runway look. This is clearly a challenge that calls for Day Drinking.

Jinkx, to Roxxxy: "There are two types of peanut butter: creamy and crunchy." Alaska, to Detox: "You're so seductive, but unfortunately, it's illegal to do it with you, because most of your parts are under eighteen years of age!"

Unlike prior seasons, we're unfortunately not shown the whole down-the-line, but from what we see, the girls bring it. Watch the bonus clip for the rest of the reads: Roxxxy had at least three rhyming reads prepared, for chrissakes. Everybody has clearly done their reading homework. I'm suitably impressed by the entire group; at Season Five, there's no reason to flub this mini-challenge, and everybody landed a couple good reads. My two favorites:

Jinkx provides the human drumroll for her new bestie: "Alaska!" The Rolaskatox break-up talk seems quick, quiet, and diplomatic, though you can tell: Roxxxy is hurt, while Detox, mostly worried for Roxxxy, takes it for the strategic decision it is.

Alaska deserves a heap of credit for playing a strategic game thusfar: she's done a brilliant job of avoiding runway comparisons to Sharon until now, when it backfired and the judges finally couldn't help letting their Sharon feelings bubble out. She's going to act on Michelle's advice, though, immediately and decisively: Rolaskatox is over. Roll credits!

We're back after Jade's elimination. Yay, Ivy won! While Jinkx had her fingers crossed for two challenge wins in a row, nobody begrudges Ivy her win. Alaska, meanwhile, is doing the math: she and Coco are the only two who haven't won challenges yet. She reminds the room that Sharon won four challenges (a record that won't be matched this season), and you can see that she's picked Chekov's gun off the make-up counter where she left it during last episode's cold open. (Throwback!)

As soon as RuPaul leaves, Alaska asks about order preference, and volunteers to go first. I stand by my assertion that it's a strategically solid move, because many of the easiest-for-a-laugh jokes will be on obvious topics: RuPaul's age and music, Michelle's boobs, et al. Going first ensures that Alaska gets her choice of punchlines without worrying about duplicates or tiring out a topic entirely, and while second or third would probably be the most-ideal slot, Alaska can bank the karma points for not making anybody else go first. Like Coco said earlier: "Smart girl."

Jinkx is running hot about this challenge, and she can almost taste a second challenge win. That said, the penalty for failure is high: "At a drag show, when you bomb, you don't just hear crickets, you hear shotguns getting cocked."

Heh heh heh, Jinkx said "getting cocked."

Meanwhile, there is nobody living for this competition like Alyssa. The process of competition really suits her, doesn't it? Every week, she's gotten more enthusiastic about the challenges, and her amazing mood from last week has carried into this week. She's living for her roast jokes, and is completely unfazed that she's getting stony silence from Rolask Roxxxy, Alaska, and Detox.

OMG OMG OMG Michelle Visage has entered the werkroom!

Coco explains her Brewster Projects character, and Michelle doesn't hate the idea. As though Coco needs reminding, Michelle says that this challenge is important for Coco. Neither of them says what both of them know: at this point in the competition, nobody survives their third strike.

Ivy has little to show Michelle, and she's clearly getting nervous about this challenge.





You know, she comes off as sweet and ditzy, but it's worth remembering: Ivy is demonstratably brilliant. Costumers with her skill have serious chops in a range of disciplines--math, spatial reasoning, problem-solving, et al, not to mention design and aesthetic--and she has an entire third career in clowning, where she has a zillion tricks and skills too. And she's a fucking fierce performer. She's never stopped being one of my Top Three picks. Nobody can do everything, though, and Ivy doesn't do comedy.

Michelle and Alyssa have a fascinating talk about joking versus being mean. I swear, Michelle explains the difference slowly, as though Alyssa is slightly sociopathic and requires unambiguous guidance on how humans react to cruelty. It seems condescending until we hear Alyssa try out "Girl, that outfit is tired and ridiculous, bitch, you need to go change" as an example of "funny." Michelle is worried. "Joke after joke after joke," she advises.



Michelle reveals the guest judges: Leslie Jordan (which draws genuine excitement) and Jeffrey Moran (which draws purely faked excitement, because nobody likes Jeffrey Moran) before advising the girls to not fuck it up!



We take a moment to watch Jinkx catching forty winks, which I'm not GIFfing because that feels mean. Instead, have this adorable Detox reaction shot:





I used to have a narcoleptic coworker, and Detox is making my "Oh sweetie, we're in a meeting, let's wake up now" face.

Coaching time! Jinkx is a bit intimidated by Deven Green; Ivy is advised to be more vicious. Alaska's crack at BoobsforQueens.com (that's BoobsforQueens.com! *ding!*) fell flat with the coaches, but made me spit-take my beer across the table. Coco is sticking with her Brewster Projects character.

Alyssa ...okay, Alyssa genuinely doesn't understand roasting, does she? I think Alyssa simply finds insults inherently hilarious, and she hears "Your reading needs to be funny" as tautological advice. She tries "Santino, will you please shut the fuck up with your no-drag-knowledge mouth," and Bruce Vilanch begs for actual jokes. Detox's session is fine, but Roxxxy's is a bust, and she's shaken, rather than bolstered, by her critique and the useless advice to be funnier.

The next morning, we get jaunty music playing over the werkroom entrance, masking any room-entering proclamations. While painting, Coco and Jinkx trade shots, and Roxxxy lashes out at Jinkx, for which she gets a pass from me because--as we've seen in next week's preview--she's going to own her behavior and apologize for it later this evening. Anyway. Let's hit the runway for some comedy!

Alaska looks gorgeous as usual. I think she missed a hell of an opportunity, though: between the judges riding her for not being vulnerable, the slew of Sharon jokes that she knew were coming, and the fact that she was going first? Truly, I wish Alaska had done a fully-realized on-fucking-point Sharon Needles look tonight. She could have read herself on all the easy Sharon jokes first, leaving the other girls scratching for material about her, and at the same time, what look could possibly be more vulnerable for Alaska?

But enough of my armchair-quarterbacking: Alaska's comedy was excellent. I loved the jab at the Hindenburg ruining Ru's bat mitzvah, and though sizism humor tends to sour me, the Roxxxy-with-three-Xs joke was a perfect example of what Michelle told Alyssa earlier: "If it's funny, it gets a pass." Alaska was absolutely a contender for the win this week.

Roxxxy is next, and leads by calling Alaska "a tired, boring, weird, second-rate version of your husband." It's not delivered with quite enough levity to hide her hurt about the Rolaskatox rejection, and Roxxxy unfortunately stays in her own head through the performance.

Here's the thing about RuPaul: a certain flavor of humor will almost always win her over. Savvy Coco goes to the same well as Laquifa the Post-Modern Pimp-Ho, Mo'Nique in the Snatch Game, and Lil' Poundcake, fine-tuning her Brewster Projects character specifically to RuPaul. It works. Ru found it funnier than I did, but this is RuPaul's Drag Race, not The Dilettwat's Drag Race. I'm going to say this, because Coco is the only remaining contestant that hasn't won me over: this is the second week in a row that she's looked busted on the runway, and it fucking kills me that if somebody was going to do a busted-character runway look and win, it was motherfucking Coco. (Augh, it gets me so worked up, I start abusing italics!)

Jinkx slays. I adore that hair on her, her make-up looks great, and I love that she's painted on big ole Michelle Visage titties. Every punchline landed for me. Her comedic timing is flawless, and I thought for sure that, depending on how their outfits went over with the judges, either she or Alaska had this challenge in the bag.

As Ivy stepped up, I was chanting at the television, "C'mon, baby girl, just get through this, just get through this." (When Ivy's owning a performance, she's unstoppable, but when she's out of her element, Ivy inspires big-sister/stage-mom feelings in me. I just want her to be okay, y'know?)

I was ashamed to be surprised: Ivy's jokes were pretty good! Her writing was better than her delivery, but I loved her "Speaking of fairies, hello Leslie!" moment, and was delighted by the meta-awkward hilarity of this exchange:

Ivy: "Having sex with Santino is a lot like Ru's music career: ...awkward."

Santino: "You would know..."

From the jump, Alyssa's microphone joins the audience in an awkward cringe. I do love that she brought up Santino's Project Runway past: if you're ever feeling grouchy at Santino for the way he talks to the queens, just re-watch his exchange with Nina Garcia in the lingerie challenge. I'll upload it for you later, but suffice to say: Santino learned how to be a hard-ass judge from the best. It would have been hilarious if Alyssa had called Santino "aesthetically not pleasing," but hilarious isn't in Alyssa's gig. As Detox says, "God bless him, he tried his hardest."

Going last didn't do Detox any favors: by the time it was her turn, she'd forgotten the rhythm she'd planned, and though her writing was great (I loved the "Gayer than the Fire Island production of Rent" jab at Leslie), she would have benefitted enormously from a few minutes of alone-time to collect herself just before her roast.

And that's a wrap! Best Breasts on Panel awarded this week to Michelle Visage.

The useless, humorless Jeffrey Moran nonwithstanding, this season's guest judges have been amazing, right? I thought nobody could top Kristen Johnston for my favorite critiques this season, but Leslie Jordan just may be my new favorite. During the critique, Leslie pays Alaska a lovely compliment: Comedy is like music, and Alaska hears the music. He's the only panelist who loves Ivy's gloves, and he tells Jinkx, "You have a career, in or out of drag, in comedy."

And Michelle loved Jinkx's runway look! I shrieked in delight too.

Detox gets mixed reviews, and criticized for her over-use of the f-bomb. The brilliant Jeffrey Moran has an eloquent and insightful comment for Alyssa: "You could have been a little funnier, and I thought you were trying too hard."

Leslie tells Alyssa, "You're so gorgeous!" I love Leslie Jordan. Leslie then tells Wanda Sykes to move over for Coco. The judges are rough on Roxxxy, and you can feel her stormclouds brewing.

The girls stumble back to the Interior Illusions lounge. Bless their read-to-filth souls, they look like shellshocked zombies in desperate need of a pint glass of vodka.

The queens have a come-to-Jesus with Coco and Alyssa about the goddamn pageant. In the end, everybody scores diplomacy points, as all seven make a pact to not bring up the pageant and shut down anybody who does. Take that, story producers!

Time to talk bottom two. Alyssa gets her first genuine room-full-of-laughter when she exclaims, "They read me the house down, underneath the cement!" It's revealed that they actually turned Alyssa's microphone off during her performance, which everybody noticed but her. Oh, Alyssa, baby girl, I'm going to miss you.

The Big Pink Furry Box has baby pictures! CUTE TIMES AHOY.

Detox and Alaska have been practicing their signature faces since childhood.

Baby Roxxxy is officially the cutest child in history.

The picture of an ear-to-ear grinning Jinkx draws out the contrast to Jinkx's childhood and teenaged years, where (indulge me, I'm switching pronouns) his single, alcoholic mother left Jinkx to raise his brothers.

My heart breaks. I have found this to be true: some of the best people you'll meet in life are people who raised their siblings, and I'm adding Jinkx as further confirming evidence of this.

The break-up of Rolaskatox, the rejection from the coaches and judges, the threat of lip-synching, and Jinkx's triggering story of his mother and grandmother are fast-approaching Roxxxy's rejection breaking-point. Roxxxy has never emotionally addressed his mom, and those feelings begin to come up. He shares the story of his mother leaving Roxxxy and his sister at a bus stop, and as they cry together, you can watch Jinkx and Roxxxy finally building a bridge to sisterhood, even friendship.

(There are people online saying Roxxxy was faking her later breakdown on the runway, in front of RuPaul. No. Just ...no, you're welcome to your wrong opinion, but no.)

We can't head back to the runway on that sad note, though, so let's unswitch our pronouns and have some quick Cattiness About Jinkx! In the Gold Bar, Rolysaco takes a while to articulate it, but when Roxxxy calls Jinkx "a motherfucking contender for this title," we hit the heart of it: Jinkx isn't behaving like the clear and obvious frontrunner, which is exactly how Roxxxy, Alyssa, and Coco see her. (Jinkx is in Interior Illusions with the Nice Girls, proving their point.)

Back to the runway! Coco pulls out her first win. 10% T, 90% shade: I think RuPaul doesn't want somebody to win four challenges again this year. She's spreading out the wins. Jinkx and Alaska were both funnier than Coco, and from Michelle's reactions, Jinkx's runway beat Alaska. Jinkx should have won. No shade to Detox, but Jinkx also should have won the Draggle Rock episode with her pink-fairy hostess character and her Marie Antoinette snuffbox runway. But that would put her at three wins already, with another five competitive episodes to go. RuPaul is spreading out the wins because, as Roxxxy said, this competition has "a motherfucking contender for this title."

Augh. Sorry for getting ranty.

Safe.

Detox and Ivy round out the middle of the pack, and Alyssa and Roxxxy are up for elimination. Though their actual synching-of-the-lips-to-the-words-of-the-song is mediocre, their dedication to hairography is brilliant. Roxxxy starts with the best wig-snatch in the history of RuPaul's Drag Race, and what she and Alyssa bring to the runway drives home the point: this is Season Five, not Season Four, and when we need our hair to stay on our head, our hair stays on our head.

But. Can you imagine having the sort of emotional couple of days Roxxxy has had, though, and then doing that for four minutes, and then not crying? She breaks all the way down, and she takes the rest of the room with her. RuPaul speaks of chosen family, and on that note, shanté, you both stay.



RuPaul's Best Friend Race

No dancing today: instead, we get notes of "If I Dream" and a group-hug amen. Let the music play!

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(I did NOT see that non-elimination coming! So here's the T: like I said, we have five competition episodes left. With this non-elimination, we no longer have enough episodes remaining to bring back an eliminated girl, a la Carmen and Kenya; it gives us one too many girls for the rest of the season. I don't think anybody's coming back this year, or if they do, we're going to have some other wackiness happen, like another double-elimination, or a top-five ball challenge and top-four music-video challenge. But Occam's razor says: everybody this season is sashaying away permanently.)

Next week: The most penis-y mini-challenge ever! And ...perfume?

(Stay tuned! I'd love to chat with you on Twitter, and next week, we're going to have prizes! Yay prizes!)