Image via YouTube.

ARIES: Herb Welch (SNL)

Openly combative in his eighties! Not afraid to hit the guests with his microphone! Most likely sign to call you a coward! Herb Welch is an Aries. As the news station’s oldest and most old-fashioned reporter, he’s going to do things in his own way no matter what the anchors say. Aries have a strong need for control over what they’re doing, and Herb will not be told what to do by anyone!

TAURUS: Barry (Barry)

Barry is such a tough character to pin down, but I’m going with Taurus here. Taurus is the sign most associated with the physical world, and they tend to be known for their strength and sturdiness. Barry makes his living on being good with his hands, his aim, understanding a space. This is what comes easily to him, what feels natural. What’s harder is being on stage, putting himself into another person’s shoes. Taureans can be shy to express themselves, and their fixed nature pushes them to prioritize their own mindset. But this is why Barry is a Taurus: the journey of the show is to watch him change, to follow him as he tries to see life differently. To find happiness, Taureans must branch outside of their comfort zones. Barry is a show about pushing yourself to do that.

GEMINI: Stefan (SNL)

I considered Leo, because of his exuberance and ease of attracting attention. I considered Aquarius, because he’s so committed to a life of That Weird Shit. But you know what? I genuinely think Stefan is a Gemini. As SNL’s city correspondent, he’s got all of the latest tips. He’s met everyone who’s ever breathed in a New York nightclub. He laughs gleefully at his own offensive jokes. He flirts openly with Seth. He’s pure Gemini!

CANCER: Milo (The Skeleton Twins)

The Skeleton Twins is actually a drama starring Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig! Hader plays Milo, an actor who hasn’t found the success he thought he would in Los Angeles. A suicide attempt leads him to reunite with his estranged sister Maggie. Milo possesses many Cancerian qualities: instinctive understanding, lack of judgment, commitment to the arts, a strange balance between romanticism and leaning into the bleakness of life. Plus, he gave us the greatest lip sync of all time.

LEO: Little Vivvy (Documentary Now)

If you haven’t seen Documentary Now’s parody of Grey Gardens, go watch it on Netflix now! It’s only 20 minutes long, and probably their most famous episode to date. Riffing on real-life relatives of Jacqueline Onassis that went from high society to living in squalor after exhausting their inheritances. From the moment the “documentarians” arrive, Little Vivvy exudes Leo! She wants to be in front of the camera, to show them her dance, to tell them about her past suitors! She thinks all of the teen errand boys they hire want to bang her! She just wants a little shine after living with raccoons!

VIRGO: Fear (Inside Out)

I’ll only apologize for this pick when Virgos stop living in fear! Virgo carries a lot of anxiety. They’re so practical that they can see potential problems arising from a mile away. Their energy leans towards the nervous side. They’d rather run the numbers, do the work, and find the sure answer, than rely on winging it and trusting the unknown. It’s really all about safety!

LIBRA: Aaron (Trainwreck)

Aaron is the love interest in Trainwreck! He’s a charming sports doctor who does surgery with “Uptown Girl” as the soundtrack! He’s hot! He’s professional! He’s best friends with Lebron! At one point, he asks Amy on a date, she says no, and he replies “I think we really like each other and we should be a couple.” What kind of Libra shit is that!! Aaron is smart, kind, and considerate - all classic Libran traits! His bedside manner is excellent!

SCORPIO: Keith Morrison (SNL)

The real Keith Morrison is a Cancer, but the energy Bill Hader brings to SNL’s version of Dateline is very Scorpio. As guests describe gruesome crime stories, Morrison delights in the ghastly details, barely masking his excitement and whipping out popcorn at the most dramatic moments. If you want to pique a Scorpio’s interest, start talking about an interesting murder. Scorpios are extremely curious creatures, born detectives and sleuths. As the sign associated with death, their interests lean dark. They delve deeper into what frightens and wards away others. Most likely sign to tell you to what really happened with Robert Durst.

SAGITTARIUS: Devin (SNL - The Californians)

Devin strikes the classic Sagittarius balance of “I’m a chill dude and most of the time life is great because of my shining attitude!” and “Okay I’m still a fire sign, I don’t ACTUALLY want things to be calm and easy!” He’s just a loose guy who’s always getting caught in wacky situations! He may be missing some of the typical Sagittarian intelligence, but he definitely shares the giggles and the vibe that he wants to tell you about his trip to Thailand.

CAPRICORN: Bobby (Adventureland)

Bobby is the surrogate father figure to all of the lost teens that work at his theme park, Adventureland, for the summer. Like a true Capricorn, he knows how things should be done. He’s the guy to call if you have a question, need help, need to hide. He takes on a daddy role for his employees, making sure they haven’t been “drinkin’ drugs” on the job, and keeping them safe from potential dangers with his terrifying baseball bat. You don’t know what he’s capable of!

AQUARIUS: Dave (Hot Rod)

Dave is trippin’ balls at work, man. Like a go-with-the-flow Aquarius, he’s a chiller, cruising the streets on his “banana board.” He’s doling out wisdom like, “He who is resistant to change is destined to perish,” while wearing a wolf shirt and a visor. I mean, that is some Aquarius shit right there - wearing statement clothing while swearing by the power of flexibility in the face of change.

PISCES: Greg the Alien (SNL)

Greg is a part-time sportscaster and a full-time alien. It’s kind of like how Pisces are always described as “otherworldly”. As guests call in, it becomes increasingly obvious that Greg is not an earthling. As you grow closer to your Pisces friends, it becomes increasingly obvious that they are not very attached to this realm either, and would actually love to hear about what other options are out there for interdimensional living.