Humblebrag alert: I spent 10 days in Europe and just had NO TIME to watch (or care about) Outlander, and then when I got home, my husband missed me SO MUCH that we just had NO TIME to bother watching Outlander. So, that’s why it’s taken this long to get Things My Husband Says During Outlander to you for episode 110, By the Pricking of My Thumbs.

But, never fear. Blurtlander’s here.

Interested in more Blurtlander? You can find all of his posts here.

Interested in more Outlander, That’s Normal-style? Check us out here.

Interested in more Hangoutlander? That’s right here.

Interested in Jamie-shaped sex toys? WE ARE TOO, TELL US WHERE TO FIND THEM.

More Like Skye Bloat Song

I love this song.

Not.

I wonder where they’re riding to right there.

The horizon.

Starter Menu

Always f—ing, these two.

I wonder if her last job was in porno; she’s always naked.

Is he giving her some cunnilingus?

He must be incredibly hungry.

They aren’t getting regular meals at the castle?

Room service!

Can’t get used to that back. OMG.

He’s got pants on!!! He doesn’t even wear pants.

Aint it a little weird that that guy is just standing there while they are mid-coitus? Are they gonna go threesome or something?

And she’s perfectly ok with her orgasm face just blared for anybody who walks in? Hide it under a bushel, Claire.

Cat Fights

And there’s ol’ Big Tits.

I mean the girl, not Mrs. Fitz. Clarifiying.

Claire: Laoghaire and I have something to discuss.

Him: We’re gonna discuss her tits.

Claire looks old as hell right now. This is not helping her case.

Laoghaire: Jamie Fraser was, and is, mine.

Him: I sucked his d-piece once.

Respect your elders, bitch.

Him: What’s an ale itch?

Me: an ill wish

Him: *blank stare* Scottish nonsense language.

The Brightest Witch of Her Age

Jeannie: … in the wood … at full moon

Him: *whispers* She’s a werewolf.

OH, she’s a witch.

Who the f— goes out in the middle of nowhere with a lantern and no gun? No stick? No whip? Nothing.

The f— ? Is she a fairy?

Why is she naked?

Is Claire fixing to catch on fire?

Is she masturbating?

What the f— …

I bet she’s f—ing ITCHing …

Why the hell is everybody naked in this show all the time? I don’t get it. Are they all naked all the time in the books? Does this show just really need viewers or what??

Claire: Anyone I know?

Him: It’s Dougal Beard.

Gellis: Dougal Mackenzie.

Him: I WAS RIGHT! DID YOU HEAR THAT???? I SAID IT FIRST. WRITE IT DOWN.

She likes to ride the handlebar moustache. Sounds like Dougal is riding a bunch of bitches.

Geillis: The Duke of Sandringham himself presented it to him.

Him: That’s a lie. I got it out of corner slot machine when we were in Isengard. Collecting Sauron’s taxes.

Did she say CUNTenance? What’s cuntanence?

Did she say changeling? This is just like Game of Thrones. They have this shit.

Wtf is she wearing that eskimo shit for?

I’m sorry but … The red-headed lady’s green parka thing is kind of hot. It works for me.

He means this thing. I just … ok.

Better watch out for the wildlings, Claire. They’ll f—ing kill you.

Claire’s coat looks like one of them f—ing poodles is all trimmed up fancy like.

That baby looks like a Glo Worm. Wonder if it has a tail and that’s why they got rid of it.

Accurate.

Sack a Nack, come on.

Why is the kilted hero showing up in the middle of nowhere to save the day? Did she f—ing page him or something? How did he know where she was? This ain’t Fern Gully.

Why is he putting the Glo Worm back in the tree?

You have to pause it. I don’t believe that he just totally rejects his heritage and is super smart all of the sudden. You know he believes in fairies; he’s just blinded by the booty.

Pemberingham Palace

That is that castle from that movie we saw recently about that rich guy and that girl. You know … Jane Eyre. *snaps fingers* Darcy. What’s the name of his house? Darcy’s house?

How long does it take to get your hair that f—ing curly?

What a misogynist, sexist piece of shit.

I thought Dukes were only French.

Duke is a French word, don’t lie to me.

Look at those gold baseball pants.

That cardigan is too nice for that era.

No one even knows what inimical means.

That couch looks worn as f—.

Look there’s some nipples on that titty statue.

Well, you’re just an asshole. French dick. Duke.

There’s ol McGangly Legs. Standing up AGAIN. Testing those things. Taking it to the limit.

*sings* one more time

Doesn’t this dumbass realize that she did that to him like a month ago?

I don’t understand why Crackity Jones Legs doesn’t sit down. TAKE A LOAD OFF before your fossilized ankles snap.

“I’ll have your balls?” Like in his mouth? on a plate? a la mode?

I love how Claire and her gal pal are shopping like there’s some variety. There were onions, potatoes, some greens and a few peaches. That was it. Oops. And some dead birds. They’re browsing like they’re at f—ing Easy Way.

Meanwhile, back at Pemburlington Coat Factory …

Jamie’s got skinny jeans on. BLUE JEANS. Where is his kilt?

It’s been a lot colder there before and he’s been in the kilt. Why is he in pants?

Murtagh: What are the McDonalds doing here?

Him: They’re opening a restaurant chain, bitch.

Yeah, stenographer, get the f— out. I’ve got personal stuff to talk about while wearing my robe.

I think that new guy and Jack Randall are a couple. I think they are sucking each other’s Ds.

Game is Afoot

He’s standing again with them shitty legs. Always afoot, this guy.

Maybe he’s gonna start dancing now.

Scotland’s Got Talent.

Did she hurt her neck or something? Is that why she’s wearing a neckbrace? Whiplash while sucking D?

That’s Latin by the way, quid pro quo. So he probably shouldn’t know it.

He’s got a GIANT nose.

So you just f—ing died back then, and no one gives a shit?

Dougal is smiling! Look at him.

Did Dougal’s Beard kill him because his wife died?

Duel WHERT

Are they having a shoot off? Did I miss something? Isn’t she worried that Jamie is going to die?

This is the dumbest tradition ever.

Yeah, Sacajewea, fix this shit for me.

So now Doguals’s Beard has got Young Jamie watching him and reporting back to Crooked Legs?

He’s a Regular Jessica Fletcher

They’re setting her up aren’t they?

Great. Now she’s got her fingerprints on the bottle. They’re gonna think Claire did it.

I bet she thinks Claire told on her for dancing naked in the woods.

That little c—. I bet her aunt didn’t really burn herself.

I hope her tits fall off.

Final Thoughts

I wish you weren’t always mad at me for speaking my piece. Gotta speak my wee piece, Beth.

I would like to formally apologize for Blurtlander’s appalling language this week. He was SUPER drunk on the whisky I brought back from Scotland. *ahem*IWENTTOEUROPE*ahem*