SANTA FE, NM—Announcing her intent to run as a Democrat for New Mexico’s 3rd Congressional District, former CIA agent and author Valerie Plame released a campaign video Monday in which she is shown using the skills she learned as a spy to torture voters. “Hi, my name is Valerie Plame, and I want to put my specialized CIA training to work for the American people,” said Plame in the video, which shows her smiling with a diverse group of potential voters before zip-tying their wrists, covering their heads with bags, and locking them in the trunk of a black Chevy Camaro. “Whether I’m fighting to secure infrastructure funding, working to improve healthcare, or rounding up our most suspicious residents and simulating their drowning, I will stop at nothing to protect New Mexico families. I’ve got a few scores to settle, and that’s why I’m asking for your vote.” As the video closes, Plame was seen in a local diner beating a 70-year-old man to within an inch of his life after having deprived him of sleep and water for days.

Advertisement