i want so badly to ignore this and just get on with my life, considering that i’m in the midst of tour and traveling the US right now, but it’s clear that I can’t escape this. this is a very long post, i am keeping it under a cut.

additionally, at least until tumblr moves on from this, my askbox is off. it is a nightmare. i can’t deal with it right now.

so. I was an invited panelist at Dashcon, and I was on 10 panels over the weekend. my name is mark, I run Mark Reads and Mark Watches, and have been doing so for 5 years next month. (HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LONG TIME.) I have been attending cons for over a decade and been speaking at them as a panelist or a guest since 2011. Including my own tour events outside of cons, I have participated in over 150 “panels,” ranging from 50 minutes to 4 hours. I’m including this upfront because I’ve already been accused of being a 16-year-old nobody who doesn’t know what he’s doing at cons and is ruining fandom. Also, I’m apparently white and straight. ALSO THIS IS A MESS.

Mark, how did you end up at Dashcon?

My good friend Krista recommended me to the admins and urged me to sign up because she wanted to do a panel about homoerotic subtext and queerbaiting with me. (Yes, this is the same infamous panel that has caused a lot of drama.) I signed up after submitting a panelist application. I had to have a half hour Skype interview with Megg and Roxanne, the admins, in order to even be considered. Once they knew that I was well experienced at running panels and being a moderator, we discussed about 4-5 possible panels they wanted me on. The process was organized and stress-free for me. I have no complaints about it.

Then how did you end up on 10 panels?

My friend Krista unfortunately had to drop out due to a medical issue. I took over her spots on other panels, since I had either done similar panels in the past, or they made sense based on what I do and write about.

How much did Dashcon pay you?

They didn’t. I was not a special guest.

That’s fucked up, isn’t it?

No, and allow me to dispel the first of about a million rumors: until you are supermegahuge, you do not get paid to go to conventions. I’ve been going to cons as a professional/panelist for 3 years now. I’ve not once been paid for it. Sometimes, if I am contributing a lot or if a con really wants me to present, my badge will be comped. A few have given me free lodging or reduced lodging. Next year, the wonderful folks at ConQuesT are giving me the privilege of being a Guest of Honor for the first time, and it’s a HUGE deal to me. But this is standard. It’s a business expense for me, I have to view each con trip as a promotional outlet for me, and moneywise, they’re always a loss. My hope is simply to gain more fans and exposure and pay my dues. I go to conventions because I want to make the community better. I often am on panels about representation, race, and queerness, and I want to do the difficult work of making fandom more diverse through it.

So what happened when you got there?

It was like every other con ever. I picked up my badge and schedule. I checked into my hotel. (I stayed at a cheaper one on the other side of the highway.) I went to my panels. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

So you let minors into your 18+ panel, right?

My panel, Odd Fanfiction Through The Ages, was the second of mine that I did and the first 18+ panel, and was accused on Tumblr of letting minors into it to listen to smut three hours before the panel started. It was the first of many surreal moments. As far as I knew at the time, no minors got in; there were three people checking IDs at the door, and I watched them turn minors away.

Just for the record: the person who first started the rumor/lie that the BDSM panel was allowing in minors posted it TWELVE HOURS BEFORE THAT PANEL EVEN STARTED. That is how ridiculous the lies and misconceptions were. Shit was being stated as fact on Tumblr before it had even had a chance to happen.

So you then made fun of fanfiction, right?

The most stellar part about this accusation is that right off the bat, I told folks that the panel (which covered a history of odd trends, pairings, and fics) was not going to be a vehicle for shaming fanfiction or making fun of it because it’s weird. I also did not allow anyone to give me any fic or recommend things because I wanted to control what I read and what I didn’t read. I used to just read anything anyone handed me, but last year, I stopped doing live readings of fics that weren’t either intentionally bad/funny or I did not have consent to read. I did not want to shame anyone for having written fic, even if I tried real hard to make it seem like I wasn’t making fun of it. It’s much easier and more respectful to follow this policy. So, no. Did not happen.

So, what happened with the hotel?

Lord.

Folks are already gaslighting me about my Q&A I did on Facebook, trying to say I am doing my best to minimize what the admins did, but let me state this right now: I have no interest in defending the Dashcon admins. It is more clear than ever that they know what they fucked up, and y’all know of the many mistakes made over the weekend. I cannot add much to what you know or think you know because I kind of stayed away from it? I was outside the main ballroom for the majority of the time after all panels were closed. I knew that the hotel upper management freaking out was real, I knew the $20,000 demand was real, I saw the physical contract at one point, I knew the issue was over oral agreements/changes made, and I knew that the one guy who took over the microphone during that hour of chaos ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE. Whomever he was, I guarantee none of it would have been as bad as it was if he’d just SHUT UP.

So then what???

Panels all were back on at 10:30. I went and did mine, had an excellent turnout, and for the remainder of the con, if I had stayed off Tumblr, it would have been a super fun, enjoyable, well-attended con with zero problems for me.

But???

Look, I had five panels on Saturday, and while I was very thankful to be appreciated and given the chance to do so much, I was also sad to be missing Night Vale! I love the podcast dearly, but I was scheduled against it. So, when I found out WTNV walked (and it was while I was on a panel myself), it sucked, but it didn’t affect my day at all. The only issue I did have was when a misogynist jerk went on a sexist rant about b*tches in fiction and how Mary-Louise Parker is only good for her boobs (WHY ARE YOU TALKING). I shut it down and moved on as best as I could, ran immediately to staff after the panel, reported said person, and then went straight to my third panel of the day. I had two back-to-back, so I went back to the admin office to give a full report once I had a break, and staff dealt with him. As far as I know, the jerk was kicked out. Their response was super quick and respectful, and I was really happy with it.

But???

Then I made the mistake of going on Tumblr before my 5pm panel, Homoerotic Subtext.

You have to understand that while two undeniably huge and disastrous mishaps had occurred (the money issue, and WTNV walking), the con felt normal. And then I check my dash and it was just a torrent of ball pit jokes, yelling about panels, misogynist drivel about how teenage girls always ruin fandom and cons, and nearly every post was insisting that this was the worst convention in the history of the universe.

It was jarring. It was INCREDIBLY surreal.

Can you explain the ball pit?

I swear, that fucking question will probably be engraved on my tombstone when I turn to dust. I’m going to later get into how many things the Tumblr community turned into massive issues, but here’s a good start. It was located in a large room adjacent to registration that had concessions and a place to sit and eat. It wasn’t empty because no one was at the con. I would estimate that there were 1,500 people there. The ball pit largely stemmed from a joke, and it wasn’t a thing that was talked about or visited at the con with any frequency. I remember seeing it when I went to get a snack, and I laughed at it because it was clearly absurdly small on purpose, and then I went about my day. It was not a point of interest, it wasn’t something a single soul talked about, and it was just a quirky thing that existed. The end.

So are you mad at people who made fun of it?

Not really? Last night, I saw some memes I couldn’t avoid laughing at. They were funny. (I want that Cards Against Humanity card very much. I EARNED IT, I MADE IT THROUGH DASHCON.) And you know what? It wasn’t something I did or was associated with me, so I let it go. I was more or less annoyed that so many people asked me about the ball pit and said they heard the con was a disaster, but then they didn’t ask, “Hey, are you okay?”

Please stop white knighting on my behalf. I’m an adult, I can handle a joke and memes. Christ.

So, about that Homoerotic Subtext panel….

Straight up: the description Tumblr saw was an old one and a shitty one, and it never got updated. The end.

However, because Tumblr hyper magnified Dashcon, people assumed the panel would be about fetishizing gay ships. The next step that thousands of people took?

They found out who was on the panel (me!) and instead of actually scrolling down THREE FUCKING POSTS TO MY SELFIE, they accused me of being a straight white man appropriating the gay. Then the death threats started to come in, and then I was pretty much done with Tumblr. I did not log in again until Sunday evening. It was discouraging, triggering, and fucking disgraceful. The three of us on the panel WERE ALL QUEER. ALL OF US. Yes, the panel description sucked, but there are TERRIBLE PANEL DESCRIPTIONS AT EVERY CON EVER.

So did you yell at Sacha (one of the panelists) for being a racist?

Sigh.

I already spoke to Sacha myself about this, but they once posted a Sherlock manip joke where Sherlock had maracas and a sombrero and a mustache. Is it my favorite thing? No. Do I need Tumblr at large (AND LOTS OF WHITE PEOPLE) telling me what to get mad at as a latino person? Or how I’m a bad anti-racist ally because I didn’t find every post both of my panelists made EVER AND FOREVER and then call them out on it at said panel?

If y’all care so much about my work as a queer brown dude, then how come y’all have never said anything about me being on panels with people who are way more bigoted and shitty than Sacha? Why is it all of a sudden you’re concerned about who I am on a panel with? And how come I am now expected to only appear on panels with people who have PERFECT SOCIAL JUSTICE HISTORIES?

Knock it off. Grow up.

So was the con a mess?

There were messy parts, but as a whole, no. I ran/spoke on 10 panels, and I saw 8 others. I saw nothing out of the ordinary or “messy” at any of them.

So was candy handed out at panels?

I saw it happen at one and who gives a fuck if it was? The panel was packed, it was a way to encourage discussion, I’ve seen similar things at other panels at other cons, so SHUT UP. This is part of an ongoing problem with the commentary on Tumblr. In order to support the idea that Dashcon was a full, 100% disaster, every single detail was used to paint the con and the people at it as horrific failures of humanity. Even then many of this stuff happens at cons that are more professional and organized! For example:

Was the game room empty and sad?

Maybe at one single point in time, like it is at EVERY CONVENTION THAT HAS A GAME ROOM. I was in there four separate times, and it was empty the first time because it was ONE HOUR AFTER THE CON STARTED. Later on Friday? Completely full. Full all day Saturday, and half full on Sunday. SUNDAY!!! When you usually have the worst attendence!

Was it full of white people wearing flower crowns and decrying sexualization while fetishizing gays?

May that awful post burn in the atmosphere as I kick it into space. White people, here is a free tip: DO NOT FUCKING ERASE PEOPLE OF COLOR IN ORDER TO TRY TO BE ANTI-RACIST. Dashcon was the most racially diverse convention I have been to in the last year. It was more diverse than every professional, decades-running con I have been to EVER, aside from Comic-Con, which I don’t really count. And guess who I saw wearing the most flower crowns all weekend? Young black girls.

Fuck you. Your awful, misinformed commentary was racist, too.

Was everyone straight?

Fuck you, too.

Did you purposely read a minor’s smutfic to embarrass her?

Oh my god, Tumblr, what. We ended the Dramatic Fanfiction Reading with a more serious fic that was smutty (graphically so), AND IT WAS WRITTEN BY ONE OF THE GIRLS ON THE PANEL. WHO AGREED TO IT A WEEK AGO. So no, that did not happen! Dylan was embarrassed to read her own smut once she got to the sex scene, so I offered to take over so that she didn’t have to feel awkward, and that’s it. She received tons of applause for it. Shut up Tumblr SHUT UP.

So what about WTNV and Gingerhaze and the Baker Street Babes? They made it sound awful.

I’ve already had people interpret my experience as one that invalidates theirs. Lord, STOP IT. Stop gaslighting me. I disagree with nothing all three groups have said. Again, the Daschon staff made disastrous mistakes. WTNV had every reason to walk, as did Noelle. The admins said at closing ceremonies that the hotel was the one responsible for the comped rooms being charged because of a clerical error. But that’s all I know. I know nothing that contradicts anything the guests said. And their experience as paid guests asked to travel for Dashcon is different than mine! If I had to foot the bill for it, I’d be furious, too! Truthfully, during the chaotic mess on Friday evening, I was busy making plans with the few friends I had there to go to Six Flags the next day. If the con was going under, I wasn’t going with it.

But it didn’t turn out that way. Yet I still understand why anyone would have bailed on the con, and this thing is not to convince them they should have stayed or that they made a mistake, so please do not turn it into that.

You have to understand that this is a job for me. I have fun, I’m silly, and this is a job for me. I had to weigh the option of whether or not to bail, too! For me, I had no friends left in Chicago, I’d paid for my hotel, and I had literally nowhere to go. I didn’t want to bail on my panels because I was certain that would reflect poorly on me as a presenter and a panelist. I stuck it out. And I assure you, I have been to way worse cons as a panelist. I think it’s important to understand that while my experience was not horrific, it probably was for others. But I am tired of reading about how everyone who went hated it and was scammed and is a fool for not bailing immediately. This is my job. I went because I believed the exposure would be good for me, and because I would have numerous chances to talk about critical analysis of media with an eye for racism and queerness. THIS. IS. MY. JOB.

This also applies to all you jerkfaces posting shit about Cara/areyoutryingtodeduceme, who made the decision to stay, as well as the Baker Street Babes. Lord, it’s like y’all are convinced we’re not adults who know what we’re doing???

Did the admins treat you well?

Yes. Very, very well. Particularly when I had to report what I saw as an unsafe person. Megg herself was incredibly gracious (to the point of tears) towards me at the end of the con. Does that mean the admins were great to others? No, and please do not use this post to try to tell people who had a bad experience that they’re wrong. I am not them.

Was the crowd full of annoying people who represent the worst of Tumblr?

Why doesn’t Tumblr just come out and say they want a chance to rip on teenage girls? Why not just make it that upfront? The vast majority of attendees were first-timers and were teenage (or early 20s) women. The fact that Tumblr has decided that out of every demographic in the world, girls at this con are the worst is just straight up misogyny to me. I don’t care that you find fandoms annoying. I’m going to be protective as fuck towards most of the people who came to Dashcon looking to have a good time. They are not remotely responsible for the problems it had.

I also want to add this. I did two LGBTQA panels. They weren’t perfect. The first one had an instance of a conflation between genitals and gender, and our trans panelist was not very up-to-date on proper terminology. Thankfully, we got BrinConvenient to come to the second one. I’ve been doing Q&A panels on queerness or LGBTQA issues since I was 19. I have never experienced a crowd as respectful as the Dashcon one. I’m so used to bracing myself for the inevitable wank that I was pleasantly surprised when it never happened. Even the one straight guy who asked something asked a great question and was respectful about the fact that the support panel wasn’t intended for him.

The cosplayers I spoke to were happy to report that they had never been to a con without any harassment of them at all. (Which is not to say that it didn’t happen, please do not do that.) The crowd was so kind ALL OF THE TIME. In EVERY PANEL. It was so refreshing. I suspect that a large part of that is due to the chaos from Friday. I think those that stayed at the con just did they best they could to enjoy it.

Ultimately, I can’t help but think that some people came to Dashcon as their first con, and now they have to deal with the fact that a photo of them at the con is being used to represent everything wrong with Dashcon and fandom in general. That’s… gross, to say the least.

Would you go to Dashcon 2015?

I don’t know. I can confirm I have been invited back, and I’m flattered. If this whole Tumblr nightmare hadn’t happened, I would have said yes right now. But now I’m more worried about what sort of reaction I’ll get from people who aren’t going, and I hate that I have to think about that. At the same time, if I do decide to attend, I would need the admins to make sure a lot more things are taken care of so that we DON’T ever have to deal with another crisis like this. I think that’s a fair expectation for me to have.

Are you going to get a ball pit tattoo?

At this point, I really should. I’ll probably never live it down.

Can I ask you more stuff about Dashcon?

Yes, but only if you come to one of my tour dates because no, I cannot address this on Tumblr anymore. I am thousands of miles from home, I’m exhausted, I’m traveling through the end of August, and I need to move on from this. I will update this if there are mistakes and errors or if I think of something vital that I missed, but no. I can’t do this anymore.