Last night I attempted to take an online homeopathy test. Did I pass? Read on to find out ...

One of the criticisms I often get from homeopathy supporters is that I don't really understand it. I'm not an expert in the mystical art, so how on Earth can I pass judgement on it? So in an effort to prove them wrong, I took this online homeopathy test that's been doing the rounds on Twitter (tip of the hat to @zeno001 and @david_colquhoun). Here's how I got on with each of the multiple choice questions... (and feel free to take a look and let me know how you get on in the comments!)

Q1. The word "Homeopathic" is correctly used interchangeably with the word:

"Bogus"? Strangely this isn't listed as an option, and neither is "watery", "sham" or "made up bollocks", so I plump for "none of the above".

A similar question was posed by Dr Shaun Holt in the New Zealand Medical Journal to patients using homeopathy – it turned out that 92% of users didn't actually know what it was, which gives some indication of how clearly homeopaths communicate their ideas to the public – although to be fair, if they were my ideas I'd be pretty vague about them too.

My answer: None of the above (Right)

Q2. Although the "Law of Similars" (like cures like) had been known since the time of Hippocrates, this German physician and chemist is the man responsible for developing the medical modality known as Homeopathy in the early 1800s

I'm curious about the Hippocrates claim, so I Google it and find the following explanation:

"In one his treatise [sic] he admits that apart from the general rule of treatment contraria contraries the opposite rule also holds good in certain cases viz similia similibus curentar."

If anyone can figure out what that says, do say so in the comments. I won't read it because I don't actually care, but people will think you're really clever.

The options given are "Heimlich", "Asperger", "von Basedow", "Grafenberg", and "Samuel Hahnemann". Four of those people have made some sort of contribution to medicine, so it must be the other one.

My Answer: Samuel Hahnemann (Right)

Q3. In Great Britain, Homeopathy is more commonly called:

"Water".

Actually the answer is "homoeopathy". Bonus points for anyone who can pronounce that correctly in the comments.

My Answer: Homoeopathy (Right)

Q4. The more a particular homeopathic remedy undergoes this process, the more profound its effect on the living organism:

Racking my brains, the only way I can think of to make a homeopathic remedy have a profound effect on a living organism is to drop it on one from a very great height. Maybe the process is "selling", and the profound effect is on the wallet?

But I'm guessing they mean health effects, so it's going to be "dilution". Or at least it is in the fantasy world of homeopathy – in the real world, pouring water into this Scotch I'm drinking is giving disappointing results.

My Answer: Dilution (Right)

Q5. A classical homeopathic doctor will conduct a comprehensive interview with a new patient, noting major and minor symptoms, in order to determine as complete a "symptom picture" of that patient as possible so that a single remedy which most closely resembles the picture (i.e., which would CAUSE these symptoms in a healthy person if given in undiluted form) can...

I get bored before the end of the question and doze off for a bit. When I wake up, I dry the Scotch (well, mostly water) off my lap and pick a random answer. After a strong start, it's my first failure. My dreams of becoming a homeopath would be in danger if I had any, but fortunately I'm not a moron, so I don't.

My Answer: Symposium (Wrong)

Q6. A homeopath might use this remedy to successfully treat the symptom picture which includes, "anguish, hay fever, enlarged liver, rapid pulse, exhaustion, burning in eyes":

Personally, I hope anyone with an enlarged liver and dodgy pulse sees an actual, proper doctor, not a homeopath, and especially not a homeopath who knows the correct answer to this question, which turns out to be "arsenic".

Yes, according to homeopaths, arsenic is the best treatment for anguish. "Are you feeling suicidal? Here, take some arsenic."

Arsenic deals with the root cause of hay fever, enlarged livers, rapid pulse, and many other conditions; which is of course the debilitating condition medical people call "being alive".

My Answer: Coffee (Wrong)

Q7. Homeopaths refer to physicians who practice conventional Western Medicine as:

"Evil"? "Big pharma stooges"? "****s who want to inject poison into your babies"?

In fact the answer is "allopaths", a term which highlights the main difference between homeopaths and conventional doctors – homeopaths believe that like cures like, so that a substance which causes a symptom can, when diluted, cure it; whereas allopaths are roads for French people.

My Answer: Allopaths (Right)

Q8. By the year 1900, approximately what percentage of US physicians were homeopaths?

The options are "5%", "10%", "20%", "50%" and "43%", so feeling smug I plump for "43%" as it rather obviously sticks out. But no! It's a cunning trap!

I've been outsmarted by a homeopath. It's time for another Scotch. Two questions to go, and it's falling apart, much more of this and I may not pass ...

My Answer: 43% (Wrong)

Q9. In 1900, there were 22 homeopathic medical colleges in the US, but the last US medical school (awarding MD degrees) to teach Homeopathy exclusively closed in:

You really get the impression that homeopaths are pining for the glory days of the late Victorian era, when men were men, homeopathy was all the rage, and life expectancy was roughly 47. Now of course we have allopathy, and life just drags on for fucking ages.

I guess "1920". It's "1920".

I'm not sure how knowing this will really help with working as a homeopath. I'd like to know some more about the basics, like how much do you have to shake the flask to make the magic work? Oh wait, that was answered by Peter Fisher in the Science and Technology Select Committee Evidence Check, and since I never tire of reading this quote, here it is again in all its inane glory.

"Dr Fisher stated that the process of 'shaking is important' but was unable to say how much shaking was required. He said 'that has not been fully investigated' but did tell us that 'You have to shake it vigorously [...] if you just stir it gently, it does not work'."

Two hundred years. You have had two hundred years.

My Answer: 1920 (Right)

Q10. The man sometimes referred to as "the Father of Modern Homeopathy," and who, to date, has trained over 5000 medical doctors worldwide, including hundreds of American MDs, at his International Academy of Classical Homeopathy on the Greek island of Alonissos ... Mr. George Vithoulkas ... is not a physician, himself. He was originally:

Several answers spring to mind, but those would be childish and rude, so I look at his Wikipedia page for inspiration.

The page doesn't mention what he was originally, but apparently he is "widely considered to be the greatest living homeopathic theorist," an accolade up there with "world's best Pot Noodle chef" in that it's vaguely impressive, but you can't help wondering why they didn't apply themselves to something that actually has a point.

Reading further it turns out that one of George's beefs with modern medicine is that old people just aren't dying like they're supposed to:

"In the past, old people were getting illnesses and getting ready to die; but then they were given antibiotics, and they would go into a state of Alzheimer's and after that they would live very long ... They are included in the figures for average life expectancy, but they are not alive."

Concerns about undead OAPs aside, it's worth mentioning that George is about 78.

My Answer: An Optician (Wrong)

So I've weighed in with a mediocre 6/10, which is not pathetic, but not brilliant either. This NHS-funded job as a doctor of homeopathy is probably beyond someone of my limited intellect, but can you do any better?