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Need a little help with yo girl game playa? Of course you do, you’re pathetic. Now the reality check is out of the way, we can move on to ramming some visionary wisdom down your throat.

Are women, referred to here throughout as ‘girls’ because, well, actually, yeah, Jesus, why do we still fucking do that to grown adult women? Anyway, we’ve never met a girl who hasn’t wanted to give us her number, we’ve only ever met a girl who has yet to be slowly worn down by our persistent pestering and intimidation.

Step right this way, into the room marked ‘girl gonna give you her ‘deets’:

1) Play it cool

Can’t stress this enough dude. If politely asking for the number results in an equally polite declination from your sweet amour you just calmly, ever so slightly harass her until she feels so uncomfortable she gives in and hands over her number. Ring it right away with her in front of you, just to make sure it’s her real number because there’s only one thing worse than forcing someone into giving them your number; and that’s going to all this effort and getting the wrong digits.

2) Bro!

Bro, we’re amazed that so many lads have trouble getting numbers from girls they work with or meet on a night out or just happen to know socially, because girls are famous for handing over their digits to people like your good self.

It may be time to get the number from her close female friend by forcing her to disclose it.

And by force we don’t mean physical violence, just you know, imply through a series of subtle hints that if it came down to it you could totally wrestle this friend to the ground, prise her phone out of her hands and retrieve the number. Such a method has been the starting point for some of the greatest romance of our times.

Don’t listen to anyone who gives about this, it’s all part of the game man.

3) Speculate on the relative tightness of her vagina

That’s right, there really is nothing like a good, solid, well thought out compliment that won’t change a girl’s mind. Whether you’re just passing a girl in the street or standing mere centimetres away from them in a social setting, you have to let them know that you have very earnest and noble intentions when it comes to denigrating them as a person.

One compliment should do it, but if she’s still dragging her heels about how much she wants to give you her number so you can send a dick pic why not tell her what you think of her tits.

4) Explain to her that she actually has to give you her number. It’s the law.

You’ve been nothing but polite. She should be thankful for the attention, actually upon reflection, you’re beginning to realise there are a number of vulgar swear words and phrases that apply to her now that she has made her reluctance to give you her number on record.

5) And repeat.

Yup, really, just keep going round in circles until, filled with fear and loathing for you, she hands over the number. You’re welcome