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In fairness, it was idiotic to expect an all-time classic from the lunatic famously described by Scott Weiland as a “fat, Botox-faced, wig-wearing fuck”. Still, no one expected Axl Rose’s Chinese Democracy to be one of 2008’s most high-profile busts.

You want embarrassing? Well, having a Stone Temple Toilet get off a good one at your expense is definitely an indignity for the ages. But that’s nothing compared with spending 14 years working on a record and then finding out no one gives a shit when you’ve finally finished diddling with it.

For reasons that only begin with the fact no one ever expected it to be released, Chinese Democracy was billed as the most anticipated record in the history of rock ’n’ roll. And what happens? During its first week out, the official return of Guns N’ Roses gets its ass kicked by teenaged country-pop crooner Taylor Swift. Fearless, the sophomore album from the 18-year-old former Jonas brother fuck-buddy, moved 267,400 copies, besting Chinese Democracy’s sales of 261,200. Hell, Kelly Clarkson’s last disc, My December, put up better numbers in 2007, and the general consensus was that it not only dumped the bed, but did so with enough velocity to impress that guy in Trainspotting.

Pouring a Costco-sized box of Sifto salt into a gaping wound, Rose’s big return wasn’t even the second-most- popular record of its debut week. Kanye West took top spot with 808s & Heartbreak, selling 450,000 units of an album that’s received the kind of fan reception the villagers of Transylvania gave Frankenstein.

So what’s been the problem? Well, you can start with the reality that the generation that made Guns N’ Roses the most deservedly mammoth rock band of its time has moved on. Forget puking up Hi-Test on their jean jackets while flunking out of Parking Lot 101; the skids who made “Sweet Child O’ Mine” the slow-dance favourite of Frank Hurt secondary school back in 1988 are busy today squiring their kids to soccer practice in rusted-out Volvos and working to keep up mortgage payments on their Annacis Island Airstreams. As far as building a new fan base goes, spending a decade and a half in a mansion fiddling with your cornrows isn’t exactly the best way to keep yourself on the radar of the MySpace nation.

Rose’s decision to make like J. D. Salinger isn’t the sole reason Chinese Democracy is shaping up to be hard rock’s equivalent of Heaven’s Gate. After watching fellow metal-minded fossils AC/DC strike platinum by selling their latest album exclusively at Wal-Mart, he chose to make Chinese Democracy available only at Best Buy. Wal-Mart turned the release of Black Ice into an event, complete with mini AC/DC stores offering everything from belt buckles and pint glasses to ginch and backstage blowjobs. According to Billboard, Best Buy pulled an Artie Fufkin by assuming a couple of well-placed posters would lead to a Long Island–style Thanksgiving stampede.

Ultimately, though, there’s really only one person to blame for Chinese Democracy, and that’s Rose.

As the album credits show, Kurt Cobain’s favourite misogynist went through more musicians than Winona Ryder during the record’s endless gestation. Hell, there are five guitarists on the title track alone. Despite that, Chinese Democracy is basically a glorified solo record, doubly offensive considering the band’s original lineup featured some of the most iconic figures in rock ’n’ roll. The problem with having an ego the size of Rosie O’Donnell’s ass is that it’s difficult to accept that Slash was arguably the coolest part of GN’R. At least Saul Hudson never took to the stage wearing a fur coat and ball-hugging biker shorts.

What originally made Guns N’ Roses great was a dangerous, raw chemistry, the kind that comes from locking five desperate losers in a practice space on a diet of greasy takeout and bad bourbon. Chinese Democracy sounds safe, disappointingly straightforward, and, most egregiously, more processed than Britney Spears stuffed to the tits with Kraft Singles. Take a bow, you fat, Botox-faced, wig-wearing fuck, you’ve just managed to ruin what was once one of the most bankable brand names in the history of rock.