Having a miscarriage is never easy. Afterwards, you can usually look forward to several weeks of the most miserable combination of grief and hormones — in my case, I basically vacillated between wanting to lock myself in my room and cry all day and wanting to go out and yell and scream and maybe even punch a Nazi in the face for good measure. Like I said: hormones.

As hard as it is for someone who's had one, it's tough on friends and family, too. I know you all just want to help and to say the right thing, but I (and others who had miscarriages) am basically just looking for any excuse to jump down your throat, partially because it feels so good to be mad at someone specific instead of that awful feeling of being angry at the world in general.

So, let me say this upfront: It's possible and even probable that it's not you, it's me. That being said, here are some of the reactions that are more likely to get a bitchy response from me:

1. "I have a friend who had four miscarriages, and one of them was really far along." I'm really just looking for a little sympathy, not a Whose Life Sucks More competition.

2. "I didn't know you were trying to get pregnant." Oh, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot to ask permission before we started. Silly me. I'll be over here grieving in the corner while you're analyzing my life choices.

2. "I mean, it wasn't a baby, it was just a fetus." Listen, Felicia, I'm glad you're a pro-choice warrior and that reproductive rights are your thing. I get it. Really, I do, and I'm happy for you. But can we put it to the side for just one conversation? I promise that my sadness is not some kind of loaded philosophical statement or political exercise. I'm just sad. That's really all there is to it.

3. "I'm sure it was for the best." Would it be for the best if somebody punched you in the face? Ohmigosh, I swear I am like the least violent person ever. I'm going to go out on a limb and blame hormones again.

5. "You're totally young enough to try again." Even if that's true, and even if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I didn't just want a baby. I wanted that baby, my baby. I'd certainly be happy about another child, but that wouldn't take away the loss. Implying that I can just have a replacement baby sounds a lot like invalidating my grief.

6. "At least you're married." Yes, I am aware that you're still single. Yes, I know how surprised you are that that guy you met on Tinder didn't work out. I'm shocked, too. Yes, it totally caught me off guard, too. Yes, I agree that he definitely seemed like he was different. Oh, wait, I guess we're talking about you and your dating life now. OK, cool.

7. "It's better this way; it's just nature's way of telling you that there was something wrong." I mean, that's kind of the point. There was clearly something wrong, which is exactly why I'm upset.

8. "You were pregnant? Didn't I see you drinking coffee last week?" I'm so glad you asked, because I wasn't already going through every single thing I did — shit, what if it was that sushi before I found out? — and blaming myself enough.

9. "So did they do that thing where they, like, give you an abortion?" So there's something called a dilation and curettage (D&C), and it's a procedure that is sometimes used after both miscarriages and abortions to clear out the uterus. If you have one after a miscarriage, your doctor may give you a bill that has the word ABORTION spelled out in all caps somewhere and you'll feel the need to scribble an annotation with little arrows before you submit it to your insurance because judgment. Cheers, 2017.

10. "At least now you can drink!" OK, I lied, I guess I actually don't object to this one. Let's be honest, there's really nothing you can say that's going to make it better. So let's go ahead and crack open a bottle. Cheers, and thanks for being a friend.

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