Living as a Native American or First Nations person, depending on which side of the border you are on, is not really that amazing. You hear people talk about casinos, money the government supposedly gives you, and lots of other silly things, but never really anything good. With each shift in the government, there are some truths that remain and a feeling that never goes away. In this article I'm going to explore how I, coming from a Rez, feel and think.

You Never Really Get Over It

Growing up we would hear about Leonard Peltier, The Wounded Knee Massacre, Battle of the Little Big Horn, the prohibition on ghost dancing, and the stories of the 60s scoop as well. There wasn't a single family in my community that hadn't lost a child to foster care, despite the provisions put forth in the Indian Child Welfare Act. But at least it's not the era of residential schools, that's what we would tell ourselves.

The American Indian Movement or AIM has been active all of my life. Compared to all sorts of terrorist groups and mocked, they were always that thing that no-one talked about. Everyone kind of secretly supported them, had a copy of books like Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, and generally wanted to make sure they went forward, but behind the scenes, most people were too weary for any real long-term commitments towards protest or change after 500 years.

You Grow Up With A Lot Of Trauma

There are a lot of studies coming out now that talk about ancestral trauma. That is trauma that can be passed down genetically. Now this might sound silly if you have never lived it, but as someone who has straight up seen a nun and had a panic attack for no reason, it's real and it sucks. The smallest things can trigger weird feelings of unease, pain that feels like it will break you, or anger that blinds you with its intensity.

More than that, you run into a lot of current-time trauma as well. Things like police officers shoving guns in your face when you are a four-year-old and don't know what is going on. Things like hearing kids harass your family for their skin color and watching your cousin get stabbed with a beer bottle. Even things like being beaten yourself or put into foster care just because of where you were born.

Even School Sucks

So I went to a private school off the reservation because they offered better classes for free to native kids; on the flip side, they were a literal cult that believed they needed to help "train the savage" out of us. But even that was better than rez schools, where teachers disappear for months, rooms are filled with mold, textbooks never even arrive, and suicide is an almost weekly occurrence.

Other things happen too, like history class teaching that we were "savage" and welcomed the people who would kill us. Kids joking with each other about "Indian Givers" and then excluding you for explaining the actual history. Teachers who would say things like "If you don't want to be a drunk Indian you need to work hard, your kind is naturally lazy." The list goes on, but even in the place that should be a welcome escape for children, a hell awaits.

Just Trying To Live Becomes Resistance

Many people don't know this, but the government controls which tribes can actually say they are native, how old each member can do so until, whether or not a woman who marries someone outside of their tribe can register their children, and a ton of other things.

The subsidies, payments for lands, and taxes that are meant to go to tribes rarely do, with the government in Canada straight up keeping the money in "trust" while reserves have no running water.

Background checks for jobs come back with your old addresses and magically make it so you can't get jobs. If you apply with reservation addresses, companies don't even call you.

People cut the hair off your children, destroy their religious ornaments, say that your residence isn't appropriately numbered for you to be able to vote, will refuse you service, and spit on your children. Every little thing that you do makes you hyperaware and just getting through a day becomes a stressful occurrence.

But In The End You Fight On

In the end, we are the traditional protectors of the land. When the government goes to honor yet another treaty, when they refuse to respect the environment, when they help sell us into sexual slavery, we have no choice but to fight. When your life is a form of resistance and you have tried to live out of the way and still have been attacked and seen the damage that is being caused, you don't really have a choice.

In the end we fight on and always will. In the words of A Tribe Called Red "We Are Not A Conquered People."