I Keep Confusing Ayn Rand and Jesus

I keep confusing Ayn Rand and Jesus. It’s not cool, I know, but cut me some slack. “Judge not,” as I think Ayn Rand once said.

Being a Republican is tough. Every day, you’ve got to dress up like you work at a Brooks Brothers, check in with the rich guy who tells you what indefensible position you need to defend, then decide what excuse to use to defend it. Jesus did basically the same thing, I think, which is how Christianity got so big. His donors saw how hard he was working for them and were like, “Let’s get this dude an ad buy.”

There are like four things you can say to defend any position on anything. Two of these things are “Jesus” and “Ayn Rand.” “Liberty” is another. “Liberty” is a code word that means less taxes and more guns. Another thing to say is “the United States Constitution.” That really shuts people up. And it doesn’t matter if you don’t understand the Constitution, because no one does.

Was it Ayn Rand or Jesus who was against big government BS, like public schools and minimum wages and child labor laws? Jesus, I think, although I’m not totally sure. I do know that both Jesus and Rand wrote long, boring books that I haven’t read but say I love, and that the moral of both these books is that it’s OK to tell poor people to fuck off.

Don’t let Ted Cruz or Paul Ryan find out I haven’t read the Jesus book or the Rand book. To be honest, I also get those guys confused. Cruz and Ryan. Ryan and Cruz. They look a bit like brothers, don’t they? Like if one brother loved the gym and the other loved sitting around savoring the words of Jesus and/or Ayn Rand. And the gym-rat brother thinks he’s super handsome, but everyone else is like, “He’s in good shape or whatever, but handsome?” And the other brother is horror-movie scary. Like, if he said, “Come check out this cool thing I found in the Capitol basement,” you’d be like, “Um, I have an emergency meeting with a very important lobbyist,” then run back to your office and lock the door. Anyway, I know Ryan and/or Cruz are/is super into Jesus and/or Rand, so don’t tell them I don’t know which is which.

I don’t know a lot of things. For example, if the District of Columbia isn’t a state, what is it? If oceans are rising, won’t that just make it easier for everyone to go to the beach? And how did Ronald Reagan serve, simultaneously, as both governor of California and star of The Rockford Files? Do cherry blossoms taste like cherries? How do women go pee? Not knowing stuff is fine, because as either Ayn Rand or Jesus said, “Bless the meek.” Hold up, I’m just now realizing I don’t know if it’s spelled “Ayn,” which looks wrong, or “Ann.” Also, what’s “meek”? I kind of thought a meek was a guy like me, you know, a chill elected official who’s comfortable not knowing things and doesn’t want to rock any boats.

Jesus and/or Ayn/Ann Rand, things are crazy lately! It used to be simple. You’d just mumble “Constitution,” vote the way they told you, make sure your flag pin was on straight, and—

Wait. Do you pronounce “Jesus” so it rhymes with “sees us” or so it sounds like “Hey, Zeus,” like you’re pretending to be Mexican? Forget it. I won’t remember anyway.

As I was just exclaiming, Jesus and/or Ayn/Ann Rand, things are crazy lately! First we hated Trump. Now we love him. We love him but pretend we don’t read his tweets. And he pays no attention to us. Every day, we work our asses off trying to come up with things to say to defend all these horrible decisions and policies and bills. We’re like, “I think Jesus would be mellow with us stealing health care from the poor so we can give more money to billionaires, or maybe Ayn/Ann Rand would. Also, liberty. Also, the Constitution.” And then Trump runs his mouth and ruins everything.

But who knows? Maybe I’m the only one who’s confused. And maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on Trump. If I remember correctly, like Trump, Jesus was always doing wild, psychopathic shit. That’s why people loved him and how America got invented.