Hey beautiful: You’re not still using shampoo, are you? Oh, my God, you are? No, seriously? Are you? No? You really are?

Wow. We thought that everyone knew by now that shampoo is a scam that makes your hair brittle, addicted to chemicals, and all-around disgusting. But you shouldn’t feel like an absolute dumb bitch idiot. We’re here to help you.

May we suggest that you replace shampoo with this more expensive product that will make your hair greasier than it was before you used it?

You look confused.

Perhaps you thought the message that you need to stop shampooing your hair entirely indicated that you didn’t have to put anything in your hair. Did you think that? That’s completely wrong. You really thought that? Haha, okay. Noted.

So, no. You need to replace your filthy $6.99 shampoo with this $60 five-ounce glass bottle of hyper-concentrated, slightly yellow, water-thin liquid.

Don’t worry, the liquid doesn’t foam and it doesn’t lather. Obviously, foaming and lathering are indications that your hair product is full of garbage chemicals that make your hair trash.

If you’re thinking that $60 dollars for five ounces sounds expensive, then you’re wrong. It’s actually 95% less expensive than even the cheapest most chemically drugstore chemical toxic waste shampoo because if you use as directed, one bottle lasts three years.

Just drop a lentil (dry, not cooked) sized amount onto your fingertip, and massage onto your scalp. A little goes a long way because this product is entirely cold-pressed.

What does cold-pressed mean? Hm, that’s sort of an advanced question for someone who mere moments ago thought there was nothing better than pouring foaming chemicals onto their head every day. We’re trying to save your junk scalp so maybe treat us with gratitude rather than suspicion. Thanks, J.

If you use the product correctly, your hair should be greasier than ever before. Picture a dog throwing up garbage it ate off of the street. Your scalp is the garbage mutt, the trash is chemicals, and you are the neglectful owner. This is called the detox period, and it means you’re on your way to the most beautiful hair of your life!

The detox period lasts 12 “detox months” and each detox month is 50 days.

So give it a try, and set yourself free from the abusive cycle of shampoo. We offer a full money-back guarantee if you’re not satisfied, but not until the detox period is over, and not if you were using it wrong, and also we don’t.

Welcome to the family, gorgeous!