There was concern in Australia today following news that Qantas is experiencing sudden and troubling problems with one of its 747s.

‘We just don’t know what’s going on,’ admitted Qantas boss Bruce ‘Bruce-o’ Bruce. ‘Suddenly the pilots can’t fly anywhere on time, the engines can’t give us enough power to get off the runway, and our ground staff have become a total shambles.’

‘We can only say sorry to all our loyal customers for this bizarre turn of events,’ said Qantas head of customer services Bruce Bruce-Bruce in a statement. ‘I really can’t apologise enough for how suddenly and inexplicably shit this 747 and everyone associated with it has become.’

The official apology clearly wasn’t enough for some customers. ‘I just can’t understand it. Everything seemed to go wrong the moment I got on board,’ said passenger Sam Michael, aged 43.

With thanks to Keith