The complexities of dating and sexual relationships have always perplexed me. It wasn't until recently (@ 32 years of age and a 7+ year marriage) that these activities began to make sense to me.

One of my biggest misconceptions when I got married was I could finally stop worrying about dating. I believed I had made the decision and that was that. No more dating!

Dating doesn't stop once you’re married. If you Google “Date your wife” you’ll receive 187 MILLION hits.

I’m going to tell you what dating is and why it has nothing to do with dinner and a movie. I’m going to highlight the natural competition between the sexes and how this competition doesn't end once you’re married. Its important that we stay fit as individuals in order to continue attracting our spouse.

I realized recently that I have struggled with processing my emotions. Instead of listening to the advice and direction my emotions gave, I would try to control my emotions. When I felt something that didn't align with what I believed was good, I would feel guilty. “I shouldn't feel this way!” I would say to myself. But the truth is, feelings are feelings. I can’t control them. I can and should listen to them and then decide how I will act. The simple activity of listening to my emotions helps me make better, more informed decisions. They know what they want. They are what I want because they are me.

The emotions I felt a few years ago, when me and Sam started having kids went something like this: “I feel insecure because I have less of Sam’s attention.” “I miss the regular cuddles, affection and touch!” I would respond to these emotions without thinking about why I was having them and without thinking about how I might satisfy these desires. My responses were more of a knee jerk reaction. I would complain to Sam that she wasn't giving me enough attention. I complained that her mom moving in with us took her attention away from me. I almost bought a couch that I was going to put upstairs in our room so we could have our own “living room” to ourselves. I wanted more of her attention. How I went about this did not achieve the desired results. By complaining, I pushed her away instead of bringing her closer.

Problems kept surfacing. We went to couples therapy. I went to therapy on my own. I read the books they suggested. I read books on my own that I found. The main learned lesson from all of this is: I can only change my own behavior. By complaining and telling her my needs I was trying to change her behavior. Trying to change someone else’s behavior never works.

Fast forward a few years and here I am, processing my emotions and asking myself “What can I do to get what I want.” It has taken me a very long time to get here. For a long time I believed I was selfish for trying to get what I want. Specifically I believed my desire for sex was wrong, sinful and needed to be tamed.

Why would I think my emotions are bad? Let me verbalize what I've felt and show you how these emotions do not mesh with the culture I live in.

Emotions: I want attention and sex from attractive women.

Culture: You mean a woman you are married to right?

Emotions: No, with any attractive woman. I am attracted to attractive women.

Culture: RED ALERT. You need to suppress this evil feeling now!

I've now pushed through those negative thoughts and I see my emotions as good and natural. I don’t need to suppress my emotions, I need to listen to them and direct them. I see all emotions, including sex drive as a form of communication. Our emotions are trying to tell us what we need. A healthy sex drive is telling me that I need sex. It isn't going to tell me who I need to have sex with. So I need to figure out a way to channel this drive into healthy habits.

Let me list what I've learned so far:

I can only change my behavior. I am attracted to attractive feminine women in general, and that’s okay I have the power to earn attention and sex from attractive feminine women

Since I’m married these desires will have to be handled in a special way and I’ll get to that in a moment. But I want to talk about a few other points first.

Sexual desire exists in order to motivate us to work and earn a sexual relationship.

This last point on earning feminine attention is what I have learned most recently. I believe this really completes my understanding of what is going on. Sexual desire exists in order to motivate us to work and earn a sexual relationship. This earning behavior for males includes things such as:

Dressing nice

Working out

Getting and keeping a good job

Flirting and smiling

Being helpful and supportive

Caring for children

Being strong and masculine

Being romantic

All of these behaviors can be generalized into being pro-social. If I observe someone I can tell to what level they respond to this process. If they’re dressing nice, smiling and are fit then they’re advertising “I want to attract the opposite sex.”

Attracting the opposite sex is the goal. By attracting the opposite sex in general, I’ll be attracting my wife. Its easy to forget that Sam is a woman, a member of a different gender, and that she is attracted to men. I happen to be a man. If I am an attractive man then she will be attracted to me and I will get what I want: attention, cuddles and regular sex.

So the overall lesson here is to see sexual desire as healthy and to channel that desire into being a better person. By becoming a better person I will attract women and my sexual desire will be satisfied. Since I am married, my sexual desire will be satisfied by my wife.

tldr; dating and sexual relationships is about becoming a better person. And by being a better person we will naturally attract a partner. Since I’m married I will naturally attract my spouse. She will simply respond to my changes. Dating doesn't end with marriage. We have to constantly stay fit in order to continuously attract our SO.