OAKLAND, CA—Marveling at the wide range of luxurious experiences available across its many award-winning spas and restaurants, sources expressed envy this week for the 3,500 fortunate people aboard the Grand Princess who got to spend a bunch of extra days on the ship during their coronavirus quarantine. “Oh man, imagine being locked down for almost a whole extra week—free of charge—on a sweet boat with a Vegas-style casino, a mall, mini golf, and hot tubs,” said area woman Sarah Collins, who admitted she felt jealous of the passengers exposed to the potentially fatal illness as she scrolled through the grand-class cruise liner’s website, eyeing the original musical productions and imagining herself relaxing with a massage, manicure, or facial. “Are you kidding me? They’re living the life out there. They can have an authentic culinary experience at Sabatini’s Italian Trattoria, or hit the all-you-can-eat buffet for as much seafood as they want. If I were them, I’d be thanking my lucky stars for every day they refused to let me disembark.” Sources added that all the high fevers and shortness of breath were probably the result of having a few too many tiki drinks and a little too much fun dancing in the piano bar.

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