THERESA May has ordered the UK electorate to vote in exact accordance with polling numbers on 18th April, the day the election was called.

Following polls showing that the Conservative lead has dropped to five points, the prime minister instructed voters to disregard every new thought they had had in the last month.

She continued: “I called this election based on what you told me. If I have done that based on false pretences, I will sue.

“You have no right and no business changing your views, merely because of my ‘campaign performance’. That’s nothing to do with you.

“Cast your minds back to 18th April, when I announced this election and everyone agreed it would be a landslide, and bloody keep them there.”

Mary Fisher of Hitchin said: “Oooh, that’s actually put me off her a little bit more. That keeps happening.”