

So Jeux-France has dug up a logo that confirms that the long-rumored Final Fantasy Haeresis XIII is indeed the fourth title in Fabula Nova Crystallis Final Fantasy XIII.

That's the brand name Square Enix's spicy potpourri of Final Fantasy XIII game releases, which also currently includes PlayStation 3 titles Final Fantasy XIII and Final Fantasy Versus XIII, and a cell phone game called Final Fantasy Agito XIII.

It's quite likely that this is the new Final Fantasy that will be announced at Square Enix Party in May. But how will Haeresis fit in? Here are my top five guesses.

1. "Haeresis" is Latin for "heresy," and what's more heretical in Japan right now than releasing a PSP game? Therefore, Haeresis XIII is the

PSP installment in Final Fantasy XIII, which was signed with Sony before PSP went to the bathroom and thus, like Final Fantasy VII Crisis

Core, will be treated as a contractual obligation album and shuffled off to 2009. Genre: board game.

2. If Square Enix really wants to make money off of this "polymorphic content" idea, they're about seven different kinds of retarded if one of them isn't on Nintendo DS. Yes, they managed to put Final Fantasy VII on every platform but the most popular one, but I think they've figured it out by now. Ergo, Haeresis is a DS game. Genre: Blitzball simulator.

3. Maybe I'm on the wrong track with this Latin thing, and Haeresis is an anagram. One possibility is "She Arise," which of course would mean that it's a game in which Aeris finally comes back to life. Tempting, but the wrong series. I'm going to go with "A Heiress," which would mean of course that Haeresis XIII is actually the Japanese localization of Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam Diamond Quest. Genre: tactical whoring.

4. If EGM's Shane "Dan" Bettenhausen is right, then Square Enix – rather than take Final Fantasy XIII multiplatform, as Sony suggested the other day – might simply release an Xbox 360-exclusive game in the series. We all know Xbox 360 owners love their first-person shooters, so where better for a followup to Dirge of Cerberus? Actually, the more I write this, the truer it sounds. Genre: Axe this from the record, I don't want to get blamed if it actually happens.

5. On second fifth thought, I bet you it's not even a game after all. Square Enix's previous polymorphic endeavors have included everything from Blu-Ray movies to serialized comics. Therefore, using process of elimination, Final Fantasy Haeresis XIII could only be the one form of narrative media not yet explored by Square: the Tijuana Bible. Genre: bestiality rhythm action.