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Fun history fact: John H. Eckels, inventor of the 1940s “ embalming apparatus,” would have made millions off his device had he not gotten drunk at a party and used it on himself. His last words: “But I wanna see what the dead people feel.”

Actually, that didn’t happen. But Eckels did invent such a contraption, and it’s on display, along with many other grim gizmos, in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office’s gallery of “Creepy IP.” The agency digs deep into its files each Halloween to unearth silly, macabre, and sometimes seriously demented inventions—witness Philip Clover’s 1878 “Coffin Torpedo,” which would blast grave robbers in the face with a flurry of lead balls. (Cadavers were a valuable “underground” commodity at the time; even the son of President William Henry Harrison wasn’t safe, winding up on a slab in an Ohio medical school.)

To celebrate this special time of year, here are a few hits from the office’s ghastly intellectual property.

Anti-eating face mask

First up, an “anti-eating face mask,” patented almost a decade before The Silence of the Lambs hit theaters:

Scarecrow

There’s no indication whether the cat in this odd “scarecrow” is alive or not:

Annunciator for the supposed dead

Being accidentally buried alive was also once a problem. The “annunciator for the supposed dead” would let the prematurely entombed alert the living that they could use a hand (more info here):

Lifelike simulations to inanimate objects

This underseas exploration suit is for divers who want to chum it up with octopuses. On land, it’d make a butt-kicking Halloween costume:

Fire escape

An early wingsuit would let those trapped in burning buildings glide to the ground, where they’d be promptly killed by people mistaking them for giant bats:

Gag sack

This gag sack would surprise treat-givers with a moving, lifelike rat. Who cares if it got your candy privileges revoked at every house:

Method of preserving the dead

Who wouldn’t want to be preserved after death and showcased in your family’s den like a bug in amber? Bonus points for having the mortician arrange a double thumbs-up:

Passenger hearse

Cruise to the cemetery in the HOV lane with this combined passenger vehicle-hearse:

Coffin torpedo!

The nefarious coffin torpedo:

Chin rest for the dead

Because one wants to look dignified even in death, here’s a chin-lifter for corpses:

Spike suit

The spiky anti-shark suit would also be good for warding off creeps at bars:

Corpse strap

Never become a laughing stock by falling out of your coffin with this helpful tow strap for cadavers:

Coffin bag

This Civil War-era body bag/coffin would seal up corpses in a nice, tight package:

Portable tomb

Finally, the “ portable tomb for resurrection from mummified tissue DNA” prepares you for a second life once the genetic technology has arrived. Frozen heads are so passe:

Images courtesy of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office on Facebook