Unsolicited Career Advice for Every Female Pop Star

In these dark times of political uncertainty and crippling fear of what the future holds, we find joy in pop culture — specifically, being gagged by our goddesses of pop music. Unfortunately, this year has left me somewhat disturbed by their continued inability to keep up with times and give us what we so sorely need."

As an expert on pop goddessry, I have worked tirelessly to envision a future in which they could all succeed. I fully expect teams of creative directors, publicists, A&R reps and psychopharmacologists to heed this advice.

Lady Gaga

She concludes the Joanne Ball with a ceremonial burning of the Joanne hat broadcast live on all major networks, announces that she has legally changed her name to Lady Gaga and that anyone who refers to her as Stefani Germanotta is no Little Monster. Shortly after, she releases a Patrick Cowley-and-Sylvester-inspired album consisting of 6 major bops, 5 mid tempo jams and 1 ballad accompanied by a full visual experience. Nicola Formichetti and Laurie Ann Gibson return to the Haus of Gaga full time to guide a more streamlined, less frantic and singular aesthetic. “The Cure” disappears from all streaming platforms and is generally erased from existence. At the conclusion of this wildly successful and record breaking era, she performs in a legendary one-night-only Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS benefit concert of Aida performing the role of Amneris (“I Know the Truth” to be transposed up a full step). She follows this up with the announcement that she has begun work on a musical adaptation of My Best Friend’s Wedding.

Demi Lovato

Starts dating women.

Cher

Releases full version of “Ooga Boo” along with a real music video.

Katy Perry

Katy’s a bit difficult to assess because there’s not really much talent there. In reality, I see a Christmas album in 2018 and her filming a Woody Allen film in which she plays the mother of a teenager he’s trying to fuck but in order to do so, he must (begrudgingly) fuck her. This will all further tarnish her already dangerously fractured image. What I recommend for her is to sell the Katy Perry Collection to Dress Barn, sit back and count her money. Also, wigs.

Taylor Swift

Immediately denounces white supremacy and the current administration whilst conducting an apology tour for not endorsing Hillary Clinton/being complicit in the rise of white nationalism. She then ditches the beached hair and oversized sparkly hoodies she’s been sporting this era in favor of dark, slicked back hair and fitted leather. Releases a remix of “...Ready For It” featuring Remy Ma, gets a face tattoo and becomes unapologetically fat.

Bjork

Cuts ties with Arca in hopes of finding some sort of discernable melody with a David Foster/Babyface moment. Guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race for the Night of a 1000 Bjorks runway (swan dress banned because Ru is wearing it). Collaboration with Ariana Grande. Replaces Bernadette Peters in Hello, Dolly!

Ariana Grande

No notes, A+

Fergie

Stars in a true crime miniseries as a tough district attorney with a troubling coke habit and a gaggle of children or plays Lily van der Woodsen in the 2020 reboot of Gossip Girl. Sketchers ad campaign. No new music.

Miley Cyrus

Releases a Sheryl Crow cover album that isn’t very good but educates a whole generation about who Sheryl Crow is BECAUSE THE CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW ABOUT SHERYL CROW.

Britney Spears

At this point, I want her to do whatever she feels comfortable doing but I highly recommend a new album with zero white rappers and to film at least four music videos. I also highly advise a grand return to Will & Grace and perhaps a cameo in the sequel to Ocean’s 8. Nudes leak of her 23-year-old boyfriend.

P!nk

Ditches the exclamation point and comes out as polyamorous.

Selena Gomez

Nope.

Madonna

Works tirelessly with a vocal coach and begins touring traditional music halls with a 32 piece orchestra. Campaigns vigorously for the role of Madame Morrible in the film adaptation of Wicked but loses out to another icon. Most importantly, she hires a serious social media management team who teach her how to take a good selfie.

Christina Aguilera

Releases her much anticipated eighth studio album to a slow start but gains momentum after a performance of the second single “My Fat Kitty” featuring Princess Nokia in which Christina seemingly pulls out a microphone from her genitalia. She Teenage Dreams the fuck out of this album with 8 singles that all reach the Billboard Top 10 and wins an unprecedented 14 Grammys in a single night. The obvious choice for the Super Bowl Halftime Show, she turns it down to rest in preparation for her greatest challenge yet, Madame Morrible in the film adaptation of Wicked.

Beyonce and Rihanna

They both put new music on hold in order to orchestrate a coup of the current administration.

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