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But people making "Business Closed" signs are rolling in dough.

In the last year alone, close to a dozen major clothing chains, located primarily in suburbs, have either announced mass closings or outright gone out of business. Delia's, Deb, Wet Seal, Aeropostale, American Eagle, Coach, and several more have all said that they're shuttering stores that used to be hugely profitable.

The American mall has been suffering for years. But now their close relatives, department stores, are also shutting down in droves. Sears, Kmart, Macy's, J.C. Penney, and even Target are starting to scale way, way down. Barnes & Noble and Toys "R" Us have announced major store closings, too, as have Office Depot/OfficeMax and Staples. RadioShack is also closing nearly 2,000 stores, but is still hanging in there, eagerly awaiting the frazzled dad looking for a certain type of battery five minutes before closing so he can get his kid's birthday present to work.

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Those dads were tenacious as fuck.

In fact, the only retail businesses that are doing reasonably well are chain pharmacies (which are more like big, less sketchy convenience stores now) and dollar stores. Places that tend not to specialize in anything are the only places people want to shop anymore.

You don't need to travel to your local suburb for a less-crowded shopping experience (or any shopping experience at all, if you live in a rural area). You can just hop on Amazon while fully nude and wearing a rubber horse mask and get a backup rubber horse mask shipped to you in two days or less, which more and more people seem to be doing, since Amazon's Prime membership numbers are skyrocketing. Getting Amazon Prime, that is. Not buying rubber horse masks.