Confused about investments? Here’s a list curated exclusively for you

I have nothing personal against accountants, chartered or plain. In fact, some of my best friends are accountants. But all things considered, you’ll agree when I say that the world would be a much improved place without accountants.

Anthropologists and evolutionary psychologists tell us that the human brain has not evolved to live in a society that includes Form 16. Just imagine if all the world’s accountants were to disappear through a wormhole into a parallel universe from where it’s impossible to come back. The immediate benefit would be no more income tax, which means no more running around to make last-minute tax-saving investments.

Yes, I am aware it’s that time of the year when many of you, especially the salaried class, are racing to meet the deadline for submitting investment proofs to Accounts. Now that the good times are finally here and you’re making tonnes of money, I know you are seeking the best avenues for converting your rapidly growing savings into insanely profitable investments.

I am also aware that in the investment declaration form that you submitted last year, you had declared investments of ₹30 lakh from your ₹10 lakh salary so that they didn’t accidentally deduct ₹40 lakh as income tax.

But relax. Many years ago, I used to work at a personal finance suicide helpline for people who had lost all their savings to bad investments. So I do possess some expertise in money matters. This is an important life skill these days because even though things are going well — the GDP is booming, onions are affordable, and jobs are plentiful so long as you’re not snobbish about selling pakodas — a handful of anti-nationals have made it almost impossible to find a safe investment.

Real estate is out, unless you want to help debt-stricken developers offload their unsold inventory. Fixed deposits are also out, unless you want to help NPA-afflicted banks with cheap funds. And I’m betting you already own half-a-dozen insurance policies whose premiums are killing you softly.

So that leaves equities as the only option. After extensive research and analysis, I have curated, exclusively for the loyal readers of this column, the country’s top 10 mutual fund (MF) offerings to bet your money on. Needless to say, all of them are eligible for income tax benefits under Section 80 DDLJ. So here goes:

1. Vande Mataram Bhusmani Advantage Fund: This fund invests only in companies that have made it compulsory for employees to sing Vande Mataram every time they apply for leave, punch in, punch out, or check WhatsApp. Recommended for patriotic investors who go to the movies only for the pleasure of standing up for the national anthem.

2. Black Rocks Temple Tons Infrastructure Fund: This fund invests in firms devoted to building the country’s temple infrastructure. It is also bullish on enterprises involved in the manufacture and transportation of rocks for the building or destruction of religious monuments. Highly recommended in view of the favourable business climate.

3. TOP to POT Rural India Growth Fund: A diversified fund that seeks to provide long-term appreciation through investments in companies engaged in the cultivation of potatoes, onions, tomatoes, and weeds. Strongly recommended for people high on agriculture and stuff.

4. Focussed Gujarat Model Wealth Multiplier Fund: This is a super-achiever fund which recently delivered a stupendous return of 16,00,000% in 12 months. Long-term investors can expect to multiply their wealth by 300% every five years.

5. Lynchman Sachs Cow Protection Fund: The fund aims to achieve quick, short-term gains by investing in direct action and related instruments for the protection and appreciation of Indian cows (excluding buffaloes and other dark-coloured cattle).

6. Jumlanomics Large Cap Acche Din Fund: This fund seeks to generate long-term capital growth through an active diversified portfolio of equity-related instruments of companies that are benefiting from all the empty promises made to the public. However, a lot depends on timing your entry and exit between elections.

7. Love Jihad Mid-Cap Skull Cap Fund: This is an aggressive fund that seeks to generate short-term political gains by investing in fixed income insecurities, with a particular focus on insecurities of the majority.

8. Pick Your Sena Offended Sentiments Fund: This fund invests only in the best of the large cap, offence-taking Senas in the country, and seeks to generate medium-term capital appreciation by converting free publicity into income-generating assets.

9. Live Life Kingsize Nirav-Vijay Financial Services Fund: Rated a five-starrer by Choksi Research, this is a debt fund with a special love for the banking sector. Recommended for investors who can leave the country at short notice.

10. Hindu Rashtra Emerging Opportunities Fund: This is a ‘fund of funds’ that achieves appreciation in its net asset value by converting the capital gains of all other funds into gains in the capital. It also invests aggressively in firms with a strong R&D focus on Constitutional Innovations.