STARING INTO THE ABYSS

It’s WRENCH again. Sitara told me to stop logging into her account, so Hawt Sauce offered to HELP ME lock her out to deliver some major news. No doubt I AM IN major trouble with the boss-lady and she’s working hard as HELL to get back in, so time is severely limited here. By the way, she keeps making fun of my use of caps, but that’s making fun of my self-expression. Shame on her. And ShE caN’t stand it when they are maDe compleTely random. Confession time: it tickles tHE old wigglies when she goes into PSYCHotIC rage mode. But hey, At LeAsT I DoN’t AlTeRnAtE eVeRy LeTtEr LiKe I dId In HiGh ScHoOl! OUCH, right?

Onto serious business! I’ve been digging into TONS of research about our local SHUFFLER legend and I’ve mapped it all out scientifically for you. Without further doo-doo, here’s it is in all its TENTACLEd Splendor:





What are those numbers? I’m glad you asked. They are SCIENCE. Pull up a desk and I will educate your brain. (1) People claim to have seen its face. I have seen PAINTINGS of it. Graffiti. But this is not its face. It’s a dimensional probe, flat so it can slip through the TIMESPACEFOLDS. It has sensory organs on it to report back DATA. (2) Since it is preoccupied with dimensional travel, it must have some kind of badass defensive system. I went with BLOWFISH spikes because spikes > ALL. (3) It must have tentacles. SCIENCE demands it. (4) I spent a lot of time in a lot of books trying to figure out why it makes shuffling noises. It turns out animals with a lot of wiGGly things probably shuffle. SCIENCE. I call them shufflation appendagery. (5) If Spielberg taught us anything, it’s that other dimensions produce a kind of SLIME-WOMB barrier that leaves you SOAKED when you come back out. The shuffler probably has dimensional PARASITES that eat it all up after he’s back from travel. It’s very likely some of them followed it through when it probed, so I’m watching for them.

I realize there may be some flaws in my theory, but it’s got to be CLOSe, right? I’ll probably get this thing INKED on my lower back. Maybe have the guy clean up the design a little. UH OH. That sounds a LOT like Sitara’s motorcycle outside. GOTTA RUN. If you have ideas on Shuffler anatomy, please share them with us. EXPECT RADIO SILENCE, BUT STAY SHUFFLIN’.