While attending a birthday party he organized at The Hard Rock Cafe, Seattle resident Allan Williams mourned the loss of several local businesses, none of which he’s ever been to.

“I heard such good things about the Nitelite Lounge, but now I’ll never know for myself, you know? It’s such a shame, but what are you gonna do?” he asked, failing to grasp a fundamental aspect of capitalism.

“It just keeps happening,” he continued. “The Showbox, that uh, I think it was a bookstore. And Scarecrow Video! I used to love that place!”

When reminded that Scarecrow Video is in fact still open, Williams, a resident of the recently completed Capitol Hill Infiniti 15 Tower, blamed all the closings on “greedy developers.”

“But I hear we’re gonna get a hockey team,” he said polishing off his Mick Jäegger Bomb Vanilla Shake. “So I guess it’s not all bad.”