The week's television highlights as poetry

Writing television listings – hey, it's a bit like writing poetry, isn't it? Well, no, obviously it absolutely isn't, in any way, shape or form, but bear with me because I'm trying to go somewhere with this, and if you're not prepared to suspend your disbelief (and your critical judgement) for 10 minutes this is going to prove excruciatingly embarrassing for both of us.

So then. Surely there's no doubt that writing accurate listings is something of an art form. Squeezing a precise description of a potentially complex programme into a single sentence is a rigorous test of anyone's prose skills, and the end result is often more functional than emotive - a mere explanation of events rather than a flavoursome portrayal. How, for instance, could anyone hope to convey the unique tear-jerking magic of This is My Moment (ITV1, Sat, 7pm) in just 12 words, without hand signals?

The answer is this: television listings writers really ought to turn to poetry. Or, to be more specific, they should write their listings in the form of haiku. Yes, haiku - the wistful, 17-syllable Japanese art form that's as delicate as a bone china teacup and almost twice as beautiful. What better device to evoke the mood of a broadcast than a five-seven-five formation stanza?

And so, with this in mind, and in the spirit of wild experimentation, this week, in place of the usual guttersnipe sneering, I bring you art. I bring you poetry. Ladies and gentlemen - I bring you the week's television highlights, as viewed through the winsome lens of haiku.

Don't snigger. They'll be doing this next week in the Radio Times. Just you wait and see.



The National Lottery: Winning Lines (BBC1, Sat, 8.35pm)

Applause detonates

as bubblegum balls fall in line;

you have won fuck all

The Weakest Link (BBC2, Mon, 5.15pm)

Disgraced, her target

eats ginger malevolence

Now, the walk of shame



Ally McBeal (E4, Sun, 8pm)

Sugar pop high-jinks

fouled by haunting appearance

of skeletal lead

Midsomer Murders

(ITV1, Sun, 8pm)

Bergerac returns

but this time round there is no

Charlie Hungerford

Kilroy (BBC1, Mon-Fri, 9am)

Anguish spluttered

into antichrist's mike: next it's

Garden Invaders

TOTP 2 (BBC2, Wed, 6pm)

Spangled archive fun

sneered at pornographically

by DJ Steve Wright

A Touch Of Frost (ITV1, Wed, 8pm)

Didn't the force once

exclude dwarves like Frost? They did?

No wonder he's cross!



The X Files (Sky One, Mon, 10pm)

The truth's STILL out there?

Stuff your UFO's: we don't

give a flying one

ITN News (ITV1, various times)

Dermot Murnaghan -

crazy name, crazy guy? No:

I'm sure he's quite sane

The Bill (UK Gold, every day, every 15 seconds)

Officer arrests

actor running amok with

criminal accent

Changing Rooms (UK Style, Thu, 9pm)

Here's a makeover -

brand new title, free of charge:

Brighten Your Prole Hole

Top Gear (BBC2, Thu, 8.30pm)

Cars and penises:

if I can tell them apart,

why can't everyone?

Real Sex (C5, Thu, 11.15pm)

Don't pass the Kleenex:

you'd get more aroused in a

helicopter crash



Emmerdale (ITV1, Thu, 7pm)

Who watches this farm?

Resolutely undiscussed:

mud and soap don't mix



Newsround (BBC1, Mon, 5.25pm)

Gruesome news reports

quickly made palatable

thanks to pleasant shirt

So there you go. We've laughed, we've cried, but most of all we've come away with a far better sense of how it feels to sit down and watch these shows, haven't we? Try writing some of your own. Right now. Send them to haiku@tvgohome.com and I'll print the finest examples in a forthcoming column. Together, we can change the face of TV listings.





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