Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Today marks the 70th year anniversary of Israel’s existence, as well as the official move of their embassy from Tel Aviv (a place) to Jerusalem, the holiest site on Earth where Jesus Christ of Nazareth roamed in the most important time of his life. Israel, in many ways, is America Jr. Israel is particularly strong in their liberty to freedom ratio and they dislike the evil scourge of Godless Islamic Atheism and liberalism on our planet. The president of Israel and the King Elder of Zion is Benjamin Netanyahu, often called “Bibi” by Israelis because he looks too much like a rabbit. Netanyahu is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, so he’s good for every God-fearing American Christian as well. Palestine, Israel’s neighbor, is the drug-addled Bullwinkle to Israel’s Rocky.

Israel is an important ally for America because they are the only country in the Middle East with a strong liberty to freedom ratio, and for helping assist American military technology with their Jewish physics. With the United States embassy’s move to Jerusalem, we Christians are better prepared for the end of the world, for the Bible in the book of Exodus states:

….And only when all those with traces of Judaism inside them fulfill all 613 commandments…. When the Jewish people have a modern nation-state that values capitalism, abhors socialism (communism), disavowal of Godless Islamic Atheism that heathen and burden society, and an embassy to the United States is in Jerusalem (Yerushalayim), only then can the end of times be saved by the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

(Exodus: 17:8-9)

So it is important for America to give military money to Israel, or tzedakah as the Jews call it. They are an ally that will forever have our back, and they charge us low-interest while we pay them. President Donald Trump did an important thing to enable these change of events, as the Islam-sympathizing Barack Hussein Obama regime would never allow Israel to pioneer freedom across the Middle East. Obama wanted Israel to be communist and equally distribute its liberty all across the Middle East, a batshit insane idea from the man who wanted all children in America to learn how to wear condoms and smoke crack at the same time, you know, “for experience”. But Donald Trump endorsed and helped make the Jerusalem embassy exist, as the Bible intended. Now Christians everywhere do not need to fear rapture when it comes soon, for they will be saved now. Unless they are a Catholic, then they will still have to apologize to God every week for being polytheists.

Israel, however, does and still has its fair share of problems, such as the fact they are completely surrounded by Godless Islamic Communist terrorist countries that do not believe in the morally positive values of liberty, freedom, and capitalism. But most importantly is that all of these countries are devoid of Jesus Christ, especially Israel. The biggest problem with Israel is that it’s a country filled with Jews, and Jewish people hate Jesus Christ because they are irrational God lovers. Jews are not to be trusted, would you trust someone who didn’t trust Jesus? Exactly.

So Israel has a complicated dilemma where they love America and liberty but hate the Godless Islamic Atheist Communist Heathens that surround them, and Jesus Christ. Israel has other problems as well, such as the Palestine issue and the Gaza thing. Palestine, and subsequently Gaza and its successful blonde sister, Mr. West Bank, are Israel’s closest neighbors that are neither Christian or Jewish. So naturally, they are an enemy of all freedom-loving peoples around the world. It’s hard to comprehend exactly what a “Palestine” is, but think of it as Mexico trying to kill Americans on a daily basis. They are the drug cartels of the Middle East, not well-loved by higher levels of the Godless Islamic Atheist Communist Terrorist spheres (Iran), and too good for the truly bottom tier terrorist countries (Anything that is not Iran, Saudi Arabia). If Palestine could just sell their pyramids to America, Israel or Belgium, they would appreciate capitalism for how it works rather than be lower class drug smugglers of the terrorist industry. But instead, Palestine will peddle for narcotics and other drugs and blame Israel for being pro-liberty and having a stronger military than theirs.

Israel is a mixed bag, with a strong share of positives over negatives. The Jews aren’t responsible for not loving Jesus Christ, but they are responsible for living in such an inhospitable land filled with countries ready to bomb America into submission should they ever try to steal American-Israeli intelligence. Israel is proof capitalism can work anywhere, even if you’re Christian or a non-believing Jew in the Middle East. Palestine should adopt more to capitalism and less communism if it wants to achieve legitimacy as a real big boy country. Palestine must cut down on doing drug deals like Venezuela or Peru, and start more aspirin companies or something to that effect.

But what Israel and Palestine both need to solve their ethnoreligious conflict is just one simple honest man: Jesus Christ. Jesus is the path to salvation and eternal glory, he’s God’s favorite child after all. We’re all made in his image, so why do both of these countries hit each other with weapons and instead look for common ground a bit more peacefully? Sure Israel likes to push and shove, but they’re well-intended. Palestine is an unorganized swarm of drug pushers and sleazy con artists that don’t aim to bomb Americans, just Israelis, Jews, and whoever in between. Israel should accept that Palestine is more of the reasonable aspects of terrorists, they only want to hurt the ones they don’t love, unlike most Godless Islamic Atheists. They have an ethos of some odd sort.

The senseless violence from both sides could just simply end if both of them just accepted Jesus Christ into their constitutions/livelihoods. The Palestinians can be sober, and the Jews can stop hitting things with Jesus involved in their peace process. He is there, fellow Jews and Palestinians, just accept him into your lives, and all this needless bloodshed can end and the parties can begin. And if not, you will be damned for an eternity. Christianity is knocking and sent invites to everyone, and Israel and Palestine better RSVP before the big man arrives.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Hindus, excluding Jews.