I know just what your day needs: an amusing Christian apocalyptic rant against atheists, science, environmentalists, evolution, and “perverse sex.” Am I right? I shall deliver just this unto you, courtesy of RenewAmerica, the patriotic website of Alan Keyes, chronic presidential and GOP senate candidate and former Reagan U.S. appointee.

Today’s charming piece, “Evolution: anti-creation religion of secular atheism & the Green Dragon, is guaranteed to scare the bejeebus out of any righteous soul. The bellringer of doom is Linda Kimball, member of the wittily named groups “Grassfire, New Media Alliance, and MoveOff.” This piece would be a perfect test of Poe’s Law; compare it with posts from the delicious satire site HardDawn.com, like “Are Militant Atheists Using Chemtrails to Poison Angels?” or “Lesbian Wing of the Illuminati Seizes Control of the NFL,” which take aim at just this sort of grandiose, paranoid, Christian ultra-right fearmongering.

Kimball’s been writing for Keyes’ website for years – an easy job, since it’s just one creepy, wild-eyed article posted over and over again:

Margaret Sangers’ evil “evolutionary gospel” of redemption and salvation

Rise of the Global Church of Lucifer

Nihilism and Satanic inversion: godless America’s ‘new’ reality of non-self and madness

Why Mormonism will surrender to homosexuality

In a world without God, fixed meaning, higher purpose and accountability, why not lie, cheat, wed ‘gay’ couples, plunder and kill?

Falling stars, damnable heresy and the spirit of evolution

Rev. 18:3: evolution…primordial heresy as the science of becoming God

Progressive liberalism’s obscene obsession with sex: its sinister purposes

Darwinism: devilish Gnostic myth dressed up as science

As if we haven’t gotten the point already, her latest dire rant opens with this warning by a 19th century English theologian:

“Open intercourse with demons is being renewed on a vast scale in the very heart of Christendom… upon the tide of ‘modern thought… as the fruit of science…progress…and evolutionary philosophy.”

I don’t know why evolutionary scientists don’t just admit how much they love intercourse with demons and want to overthrow the world.

Today evolution and the ancient occult pagan lore undergirding it… is a rebellion against our Heavenly Father that emerged out of the Renaissance giving birth to an occult intelligentsia, open intercourse with fallen angels, astral plane travels, and Illuminism… The goal of Illuminism is imposition of a worldwide totalitarian occult pagan state. During the 20th century Illuminism took the form of scientific socialism and scientific communism. Today it is ‘green’ Technocracy… it maliciously fosters the atheism, amorality, envy, chaos, blood-letting and revolution necessary for the undermining and overthrow of already existing governments.

Because everything was so much better in the Middle Ages:

In the heart of Christendom during the time of the Renaissance… arose evolutionary secular (materialist) humanism…falsely presenting itself as demonstrable empirical science to masses of hopeless people… Whereas Christian salvation was formerly held to be a matter between Jesus Christ the Word Incarnate and the individual and the aim of Christian-based Europe and America had for centuries been fixed on the work of winning liberties for the individual against the oppressive State, the Age of Darwin brought an end to all of this…

Then scientists came along and ruined everything, including some guy named “Enrico Ferri:”

Enrico Ferri (1856-1926) provides another example of occult magic science parading as empirical science… Ferri wrote of the divine miracle-producing energies animating natural causation… [T]o scientifically engineer a perfected new world order populated by a scientifically engineered New Man, two actions must occur… the speculative murder of the living God in three Persons who created all human beings in His spiritual image and the sealing off of the way to Heaven… Together, Darwin’s books issued a “do what thou will” license to America’s ruling caste to justify moral relativism, the imposition of evolutionary teaching, forced schooling, perverse sex education, and much more, all destructive of America’s traditional Christian-based Republic.

Do you recycle and sign anti-global warming petitions? YOU ARE THE ANTICHRIST!

By the mid 1880’s the Green Dragon – the spirit of madness, lies, heresy, apostasy, moral relativism, occult magic, spiritism, nature worship and evolutionary thinking working within lapsed Evangelicals was already creeping into the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Church. Today Christendom is dead and the Green Dragon is bringing our Republic to ruin while steadily injecting its’ abominations into the whole body of the humanized American Church.

Given that I’m a nature-loving, atheist, humanist, conservationist environmental science professional, there’s little doubt Kimball would if she could personally tie me to a stake, gather the firewood, pour the gasoline, and light the fire, while loudly chanting prayers with staring, fevered, bloodshot eyes. I’m not joking, either.