Government reassures nation that placating bigoted cretins is still the key driver of UK’s post-Brexit immigration policy

Amid rumours of a softening on the government’s immigration targets, the Home Office has moved to reassure the public that, whatever the final numbers, the nation’s immigration policy will still be run with the sole aim of soothing the ridiculous fears of pig-ignorant angry tabloid readers.

Simon Williams, the spokesperson for UK Immigration, explained that new post-Brexit policies will still be completely devoid of any consideration for businesses, universities, the social care sector or basic human decency.

He said, “This is just Fleet Street making a mountain out of small disagreements over the precise targets.

“Although Brexit brings new opportunities, we will still follow the same policy that we have over the past decade of creating completely meaningless numbers so red-faced idiots think we are finding solutions to non-existent problems.

“Rest assured that thousands if not millions of people will see their lives thrown into Kafkaesque turmoil because a retired supermarket manager in the Home Counties thinks there are too many Poles in Sheffield and somehow that’s why terrorism exists.”

In Crawley, an elderly simpleton with frighteningly high blood pressure, Harold Williams, explained that he welcomed the government’s reassurances.

“For a moment there, I was worried that we would adopt an immigration policy based on a mix of CBI demands, NHS staffing needs, demographic trends and Treasury forecasts combined with the flexible allocation of resources to allow communities to adapt to any sudden influx.

“But what I really want is a random number that will allow me to mumble about foreigners learning what’s what. And I’ll happily support whoever gives me that.

“Because Sharia.”