Now that fall is winding down into winter, many are being hit with a type of depression known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D. Although I by no means wish to make light of mental illness, I do think it is pertinent to note that winter is probably the best time to listen to music about being miserable as fuck– in other words, prime time to jam some emo. But while all emo is good for fueling your sad-bastard cry-wank sessions, there are multiple varieties and sub-species of the emo dork. Which are you?

A. The #EMOREVIVAL Newjack

You think Cap’n Jazz is the height of obscurity. “Never Meant” literally makes you orgasm. You got into emo because you saw Dads opening for Tigers Jaw (Touché Amoré were headlining, but they were too heavy for you). Despite this, you now take every opportunity to say “FUCK DADS” because someone told you once they were dicks at house shows. You secretly still listen to Abandon All Ships, but it’s okay because you also got the new Joyce Manor record on vinyl (even though they’re totally not emo anymore, but you still need to support the scene). Foxing are the most experimental band you have ever listened to. You still think “sexually identifies as” jokes are funny but you pretend not to because you want to impress Christian from the Hotelier.

NATURAL HABITAT: Very small and intimate house shows where people listen to lo-fi in between bands.

B. That Fucker with the Hoodie

Since the dawn of emo, you’ve been the kid who straddles the line between it and pop-punk a little too well– in the 80s, you were into Dag Nasty; in the 90s you were into Samiam and Jawbreaker; in the early 2000s, you were into Taking Back Sunday; and today, you’re into Modern Baseball, Sorority Noise, and the Front Bottoms. You are the kid who still makes pizza jokes in the current year. You found out about American Football from that Real Friends song. Worst of all, you own the hoodie of literally every fucking band that you listen to, and quite a few that you, in fact, don’t listen to. You’re getting a tattoo of a Wonder Years lyric on your 18th birthday. You have actually killed someone for talking shit about Brand New.

NATURAL HABITAT: The closest House of Blues.

C. The Midwest Emo Elitist

You were on top of the emo revival before anyone else. Jack Senff and Nick Stutsman have both sent you dick pics. You scoff when people call Texas Is the Reason emo. When Snowing got back together for Broken World Fest, you spit on the stage and yelled for them to play “Hoods Up!” You have Jeremy Enigk and Chris Simpson on speed dial. You live next door to the “Jimmy” that Jimmy Eats World are named after. Ace Enders asked you to interview him for your blog, and you said no to protect its reputation. You have worked for Count Your Lucky Stars. You actually have gotten Mexican food outside of a Logan Square basement show with Evan Weiss. You owned the Everyone Asked About You full-length in 1998.

NATURAL HABITAT: Basements in Philadelphia.

D. The Pitchfork Dude

You say things like “most good indie rock nowadays is emo.” Your favorite music journalists are Ian Cohen and David Anthony. You take the A.V. Club‘s letter grades seriously. Your favorite Death Cab for Cutie album is Transatlanticism but you say that it’s We Have the Facts and We’re Voting Yes to feel superior. You write scathing appraisals of the dad rock band who played your local Backyard BBQ Rockout. You measure the quality of every reissue next to the 2004 reissue of Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain. You don’t think Isaac Brock’s guitar sounds squeaky. Your favorite band is You Blew It! You’ve had sex three times in your life, and every time you were listening to Bright Eyes.

NATURAL HABITAT: In your room, crying about the dissolution of MisShapes.

E. The Basement Emo Dad

You shot heroin with Matt Anderson. You’ve accused bands of being rip-offs of Indian Summer when it’s highly unlikely they’ve ever heard of Indian Summer. When someone asks if you like the band Evergreen, you reply “which one?” No one has gotten emo right since fourfa.com. You actually know the names of Don Martin Three songs. Bubblejug are criminally underrated. Revelation Records didn’t get good until they released a record by Iceburn. You remember when Greg Anderson was in a straight-edge band. You “get what they’re going for” with the Van Pelt. Your favorite hardcore band is Born Against.

NATURAL HABITAT: Lovingly archiving back issues of HeartattaCk.

F. The Entry-Level Screamo Fan

You still think the Wave is kind of a thing. You found out about Saetia when Jeremy Bolm talked about them in an interview. You think Orchid misspelled all those authors’ names on accident. You listened to Jeromes Dream once, and you cried after without really knowing why. You have used Jordan Dreyer’s lyrics in a poem to impress a girl. You are deeply invested in the storyline Defeater have been crafting over the course of their discography. Someone showed you L’Antietam and you said they sounded like the first Pianos Become the Teeth album. You think City of Caterpillar and Pg.99 are the same band (you’re kind of right). You aren’t even really sure why Make Do and Mend are considered part of the Wave. Basement are your “guilty pleasure” band. Your real guilty pleasure band is Dance Gavin Dance.

NATURAL HABITAT: Your parents’ attic after you had to move back in when your hours got cut at the Coffee Bean.

G. TOP SKRAM BOSS

You own half the copies of the skull split 10″. You think that none of today’s bands could exist without Constatine Sankathi. You would not be able to stop masturbating if you were told that there would be an I Have Dreams reunion. You stalk defunct MySpace pages of bands like Reversal of Man and Palatka. You own a dubbed cassette of the first Lifetime album. You have had a Soulseek account for 10 years. You were the first person to post on Viva La Vinyl. You were in a neon pop band at one point. You are uncomfortable admitting how much money you have spent in merch swap groups. You think that people who like On the Might of Princes are posers. You’re still angry that Silverstein covered Orchid on Short Songs. You fall asleep to Neil Perry. You threw up when you found out Happy Couples Never Last was no longer a functioning record label, and you threw up again when Secret Voice reissued the Saetia discography.

NATURAL HABITAT: Posting on CMHWAK, pretending that you went to shows at Ché Café in 1991, when in reality you will live and die in Belgium.

H. I Love the 00s

You have an intimate understanding of the personal politics of the 99-04 Long Island scene. You still use a Sidekick. You went to the anniversary tour that Say Anything and Saves the Day did. You don’t think Very Emergency is a bad album. Your favorite Get-Up Kids song is “Campfire Kansas.” Kid Dynamite just “isn’t your thing.” You have had a username involving the words “Taste of Ink” and X’s on either side of it. You refuse to call Skrillex anything but Sonny Moore. The first time you did cocaine was with somebody you met on Makeoutclub. You have multiple hypotheses about the meaning of Daryl Palumbo lyrics. You have liked an album that Weezer made after Pinkerton. If someone asks you “Are you listening?” you respond “whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh” without even thinking about it. Hawthorne Heights “basically got you into hardcore.” Thursday got too weird for you after Full Collapse.

NATURAL HABITAT: Learning how to play “Best of Me” on acoustic guitar to try and get your ex-girlfriend back.

I. The Snarky Litbro

You mentally add “Rilke” every time you read Rainer Maria’s band name. You love Hot Water Music specifically because of Charles Bukowski. You hate the band Jawbreaker Reunion specifically because of their name. You have been punched in the face before. Partly for your smart mouth, and partly because you just have a really punchable face. Blake Schwarzenbach is your one true god. You smoke American Spirits even though you perpetually have $14 in your bank account. You are a chronic underachiever. You actually read the text of full-album MP3 blogs. You have spent a considerable amount of time, energy, and emotion on trying to find the Stuff You Will Hate archives. You became attracted to social justice mostly because of /r/ShitRedditSays. You moderate the /r/emo subreddit. You are a recovering alcoholic.

NATURAL HABITAT: Sitting here, writing this. It’s me. Please help me, guys, before it’s too late.

Which one of these are you? Are you embarrassed that you didn’t get all the references, or are you more embarrassed that you did get all the references? Am I unbearably smug? Should I be shot for not making a joke about Braid or Christie Front Drive?

You Don’t Need Maps alienates potential fans every day on their blog, and makes unbearably esoteric jokes on their Twitter. Follow them so they can have some validation, at last.