NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed. “Comrades, the time has come to fight back,” Kerry reportedly said in fluent Russian through coughing fits as the political prisoners he had lived among for the past several years began to execute the escape plan they devised over countless clandestine meetings in the mess hall. “Quickly, grab what you need from the armory and make your way to the guard stations. We take back our freedom tonight!” Sources confirmed that moments after cutting through the prison’s barbed-wire perimeter fencing, Kerry embraced his longtime Kazakh cellmate and gifted him his old tin pocket watch before they sprinted off in separate directions into the snowy Siberian wilderness.

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