Recently the LDS church has come under fire for distributing a survey among students of BYU which included the following question:

What is your sexual orientation? I am heterosexual, but I struggle with same-sex attraction.

I am heterosexual and do not struggle with same-sex attraction.

Other (please specify):

The obvious problem with this question is that the only answer you can choose (without marginalizing yourself into the “other” category) is that you’re a heterosexual. As some have pointed out, not every person on earth/at BYU is a heterosexual. If this were the case, there would be no need for the term “heterosexual” as there would be no alternative to distinguish it from.

Here at the Cultural Hall, we wondered what other questions might have been included on this survey. Here’s what our crack team of investigators were able to dig up:

April 2014 BYU survey:

What is your sexual orientation?

I am heterosexual, but I struggle with same-sex attraction.

I am heterosexual and do not struggle with same-sex attraction.

Other (please specify):

Do you like cheese?

Yes

Yes, but I don’t eat it because I am vegan/I am dairy intolerant/I don’t enjoy the taste.

Other (please specify):

Do you have diabetes?

No, I do not have diabetes.

No, my insulin shots balance out my glucose levels.

Other (please specify):

What is your race?

I am white.

I am white, with some extra melanin.

Other (please specify):

Are you a virgin?

Yes.

Yes, technically.

Other (please specify):

Have you ever used marijuana?

No, I have never tried marijuana.

No, because I didn’t inhale.

Other (please specify):

Do you ever use swear words?

No, I don’t cuss.

Heck no, I don’t freaking cuss.

Other (please specify):

Do you watch R-rated movies?

No

No, but I struggle with same-sex attraction.

Other (please specify):

The survey results are in! As it turns out, BYU is the straightest, whitest, healthiest, most chaste, drug-free, cheese-loving university on Earth! This is the 139th year in a row that BYU has earned this prestigious honor. Keep up the good work, BYU survey team!