I got on the bus for my last day of class this semester, and after taking a seat I could tell something was wrong. The amount of moisture on my ass was accumulating at a rate I wasn’t comfortable with. I got up and saw my seat was soaked with something and so were the backside of my jeans. If I got off the bus, went home, and changed pants I’d miss my final, so I was stuck with whatever was on my butt. I switched seats and gazed out the window while telling myself that after riding taking public transport this long, I’m lucky this is the first time I’ve become one of it’s casualties.

“Yep, someone’s piss is on my ass,” I thought to myself. I’d seen a lot of people on the bus that look capable of urinating themselves, after all. Then I started to think about the diseases the person who indirectly peed on me might have: a STD, hepatitis, rabies? I wondered if those things could infect me through my ass pores, or maybe crawl up my butt hole.

I got to school around 15 minutes later and went to the bathroom to figure out what the liquid was. I was relieved to figure out it was just alcohol. Instead of my ass being covered in pee, it just smelt like the breath of someone who lives outside.

I went to class, and did my best to hide my butt smell. The smell was too strong, though. The people sitting next to me had to notice. I can only imagine they were like “Wow, did Chris get an enema of Colt 45 before class?”

Needless to say, I was stoked that I managed to hide from my classmates all semester that my ass is an alcoholic.

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