AS Brexit enters new levels of tedium, are you wondering if there might have been a simpler way to keep xenophobic Leavers happy? Here are some suggestions.

National ‘F*ck Off Germany’ Day

Encouraging xenophobia is horrible, but compared to Brexit maybe we should have placated jingoistic twats with a day of Spitfire fly-bys and TV channels just showing The Great Escape. Even Angela Merkel would probably agree, just to have avoided all this hassle.

A different national tabloid obsession

Many Brexiters are the same people who loved tabloid obsessions like ‘dole scroungers’ and ‘paedos’. Therefore they need a new stupid thing to be furious about. If the right-wing press got behind it, Britain’s most pressing issue could be pigeons sh*tting on your lawn.

Giving Britain a 1950s makeover

We could have given woolly-minded nostalgists things that make 2019 feel like 1951: really uncomfortable, rickety buses; fiddly coupons to buy food; and a traditional ‘Bobby on the beat’ who is actually an unemployed actor.

Have a war

Brexiters like WW2 and wars do indeed bring people together, except if you’re dead, in which case you miss out a bit. Given Britain’s troubled military status we’d need to invade somewhere we could definitely beat, eg. Tonga. Re-attacking the Falklands would also be popular and carry minimal risk.

Actually dealing with their grievances

Britain should have addressed the very real problems of people with genuine grievances. Oh. Hang on. That doesn’t give Brexiters a pleasing sense of victimhood at the hands of all the foreign b*stards. Forget about that one.