







Wayne Diamante, the tri-state area’s trusted name in news, prep-sports and patented Bicentennial Doppler Radar covers your questions in this installment of Pro Tips. If you have news, or need the advice, call 1-800-askwaynediamante@gmail.com.

Koala Update: Sometime last year I responded to a young couple’s question regarding the various responsibilities associated with pet ownership and advice on a good first pet. I sort of took a left turn in my reply and went off about how disgusting Koalas are. Long story short, they are fucking repulsive. I’ve learned some new information and wanted to pass it along.

1. Male Koalas have bifurcated penises.


Sure, OK. That’s weird. But why?

2. Because female Koalas have double vaginas.

Is that true? Yes it’s true. Maybe it’s not “because of,” maybe the females have double vaginas because the males have forked penises. It’s a “chicken or the egg” type question best left to scienticians.

Second point! Koalas are so stupid they can’t figure out how to use plates. I’m not talking about “in-line” in a cafeteria setting, or the type of anxiety one might feel faced with fork/course pairings at a fancy dinner. I’m talking about a normal, everyday “plate in front of you, eat what’s on it” scenario. If you give a Koala a eucalyptus branch with leaves on it, it’s chomp-chomp, no problem. However, if you put those same leaves on a plate, Koalas are all “WTF IS GOING ON?! HOW AM I GOING TO EAT THESE!? OMG THE SKY IS FALLING!!” Know why? Because they have the lowest brain-to-body mass ratios of any mammal or lizard or whatever the hell they are. Fact.



Dear Wayne,

My significant other and I have difficulty selecting TV shows to watch together on Netflix. We just don’t see eye-to-eye when it comes to quality television programming. It’s really starting to drive a wedge between us and I’m afraid if we don’t do something about it , we’re doomed. Any insight will be greatly appreciated.


Sincerely,

Brandine

Dear Brandine,

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That’s a real pickle. One thing you can do is revisit the classics, but be warned, the rose-colored glasses of your youth might lead you astray. Remember the A-Team? “1980, the Los Angeles underground. A close-knit team of totally normal Vietnam veterans band together as fun-loving mercenaries, selling their services to the highest bidder. This is their story. They are the fucking A-Team.” Or something like that.

“Sure,” you might say, “that sounds great!” It does sound great. But after re-watching a shitload of A-Team, I can tell you this: It sucks ass.

First and most disturbingly, not once in 184 episodes does the A-Team accept payment for services rendered. They’re always helping some teenage runaway, or a single mother, or a convent chock-full of pregnant, teenage runaways. The upshot here is none of these people have any bread to pay the A-Team. EVER. How are they making rent? Who’s paying for B.A.’s tranquilizer meds, or are they just shooting him up with Barbasol and cat urine every time they have to konk him out? It gets worse, but I’m running out of space.

Magnum P.I., however, stands the test of time. Remember Higgy, TC and Rick? For Christ’s sake, Higgins is the spitting image of Dashiell Hammett! The mysteries are great, the babes are hot and the villains are realistic. Who else was using the word “roué” in TV dialogue in the ’80s? No one. Don’t worry, you guys will find common ground, but it might take a while.

— Wayne









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