RAVING

Kiss My Head

Larry David, co-creator of 'Seinfeld,' offers this advice for men without hair: Get over your bald self. By LARRY DAVID









Larry David, reputed to be the basis for the George Costanza character on 'Seinfeld,' in happier times. Photograph reluctantly provided by Larry David.

omebody asked me recently what it is I'm most proud of. "That's easy," I beamed. "It would have to be the way I've adjusted to baldness." I'm a bald man who's out there. No toupees, no transplants, no hats, no beards. Just totally unvarnished, unabashed bald. One of an ever-increasing minority of bald men who have chosen to do nothing.

When true bald men meet, they have an immediate connection. Bald men love other bald men. There's a bonding that takes place on some deep level that you never get with anyone else. We've been through it. We live with it. We've read the surveys -- the ones in which 75 percent of women say they would not date a bald man. Think of it. That's why, when a bald man gets the girl, we know we've got a woman of substance. Which is not to say that the typical bald man has any substance. The average bald man, for example, has the same superficial standards for women as the guy with hair. That's why we have to have a little more going for us than the hair man. We have to dress a little better, make a little more money and have a little more charm just to compete. And we do. Have a conversation with a bald man sometime. Go ahead. Do yourself a favor. Tell me you don't walk away impressed. That your day was not made a little richer by virtue of the fact that you were in Bald's presence.

But the bald man who doesn't make an effort to compensate for his baldness is in trouble. The last thing the bald man needs is to get lazy. A lazy bald man is done. Show me a lazy bald man, and I'll show you a miserable bald man. The lazy bald man who needs a shave and goes out in sweatpants and a T-shirt might as well hang it up. That's not how we compete in the hair world. I say to that lazy bald man that he's making it harder for the rest of us.

The bearded bald man annoys me. That's not a proud bald man. That's a bald guy who's trying to enhance. He wants to deflect attention away from the head to the chin. It's subtle, but the message is the same: I'm bald and I don't like it. Most of my contempt, however, is reserved for bald men who wear the cap. They must be kidding. They walk around with their baseball caps on, the hair sticking out in the back and, yes, they look good. People are always telling bald men how good they look in hats. Of course they do. Why wouldn't they? But what happens when they take that cap off? Have you ever seen the looks on people's faces when the bald man takes the cap off? They're dumbfounded. And the cap will come off. That's a given. Say you meet a woman in the park with your hat on. You walk her home. You call her up for the date -- now what, bald man? Are you going to wear the hat on the date? What do you intend to do? You've got a dilemma. You made your first mistake by going out with the hat. You think she's going to like it when you show up at her door with your chrome? What she's going to be is disappointed that you misrepresented yourself. You've tried to come off as a hair guy. You've lied, bald man.

Larry David is writing and starring in a new comedy series set to debut this summer on HBO.





There's a new bald man now in our midst. He has chosen to shave the little hair that he has down to a little stubble, a style last employed by Nazi barbers. Others shave it all off -- the theory being that no hair is better than some hair. Again, more tricks, more gimmicks.

But neither hats nor beards hold a candle to toupees. How could anyone have respect for bald men if we go to such ridiculous lengths? That's why hair guys are so condescending toward us. We're jokes to them. We're not taken seriously. If a hair guy has a girlfriend, he's never threatened by a bald man. He doesn't mind if his girlfriend has a platonic bald man in her life. He's not worried. "Come on in, bald man, make yourself at home." Nothing ever gave me more pleasure than the time I took a woman away from a hair guy. "How did he do it? I didn't think . . ." Yeah, while you were taking me for granted, hair man, I was platonicking my way right past you. You won't make that mistake again. He thought it was O.K. for me to be up in the apartment, hanging out, watching TV -- with him right there! Can you believe the temerity?! Can you imagine a bald man letting his girlfriend have a platonic relationship with a Hair? Wouldn't, couldn't happen. They don't get near Hair. And alone with Hair? Never.

I do have a theory ( I admit it's self-serving) that the bald man is the better lover. First, you have the appreciation factor. The bald man is so thrilled to actually be in bed with a woman that he'll do anything and everything, and all with tremendous gusto. And, of course, there's the testosterone. We've got it in spades. That's why we went bald in the first place.





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March 19, 2000



