Derided as part of the hipsters’ uniform, maligned by women’s magazines as unflattering, declared dead, only to refuse to die – it has long been clear that skinny jeans can do nothing right.



This week, however, skinny jeans have committed their latest, perhaps most egregious transgression: bending wearers’ new iPhones.

It seems the marriage of tight jeans and shoddily-made cellphones has not been a happy one. But skinny jeans loyalists will be all to aware that it isn’t just iPhones that their pinched denim have ruined.



Skinny jeans are a threat to the very existence of the human race, responsible as they are for giving men low sperm counts. And urinary tract infections. And twisted testicles.

Skinny jeans can also lead to bladder weakness and fungal infections.

Skinny jeans are anti-wallet. This reporter had to replace his credit-card holder with a much smaller variety in order to halt questions about the large square bulge around his hip. The switch to the small card holder itself was not without consequence. On one occasion the absence of the larger wallet meant this reporter was not carrying his Duane Reade balance rewards card, which in turn led to unclaimed balance rewards.



Skinny jeans, despite the name, are no friend to skinny legs. Once easily concealed under baggy clothing, in skinny jeans there is no place for the skinny leg to hide. Which led to this reporter attempting to do squats, which in turn led to a rather sore back.

Skinny jeans are no good to the knobbly-kneed person. The shame of knobbly-knees was once easily masked, but in the skinny jean there is no place to hide. The skinny jean is responsible for deep-seated anxiety over the knobbliness of this reporter’s knees.



Skinny jeans hate cycling, and cyclists. They impede the bending of the knee, making pedalling difficult. Interestingly, bicycles hate skinny jeans, too, and the act of cycling will pull the skinny jean out of shape around the knee. None of this makes it any better for the cyclist, who completes an unnecessarily difficult bike ride only to find that his skinny jeans look like cavalry pants.

Skinny jeans have made tying shoe laces into a real chore. The same goes for putting on socks. And itching ankles. And picking things up off the ground. And being alive.



Skinny jeans mean the days of getting undressed gracefully are gone. Skinny jeans mean the days of undressing someone else gracefully are gone.

Skinny jeans have won.

