Sexual intercourse is like a game of golf. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it, sometimes your balls get wet and every now and again you have to putt from the rough. But a lot of guys don’t know how to properly execute their shots when they’re playing the back nine. It’s not as simple as whacking one straight up the fairway, if you don’t exercise due care and tenderness towards your playing partner than you could end up bogeying hole number two.

And let’s face it – if you smash in a woman’s backdoor and then paint it white on the way out then don’t be too surprised if you’re denied access to the tradesman’s entrance forever afterwards. Butt secks can be one of the hottest, most intimate forms of sexual intercourse. It can also be one of the most painful and embarrassing which is why a lot of women who may in fact enjoy it will run a mile when you start looking for love in all the wrong places. So guard the exit door and try not to lose your shit as this week I educate you on the politics of anal.

A HISTORY OF THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

Anal sex gets a bad rap and it’s not hard to understand why. It’s been considered taboo for centuries and often considered to foster homosexual tendencies. For thousands of years the Christian church condemned the practice of both oral and anal sex, yet its practice has been recorded and dates back several centuries in cultures worldwide.

Ancient engravings, paintings, and artwork from Asia, Europe, South America, and parts of the Mediterranean depict heterosexual men engaging in anal sex with women. So it’s fair to say that despite the NASA space program only commencing in the 1960’s, human beings have been drilling for oil on the moon for quite a long time.

But what was once considered to be taboo is now becoming quite commonplace amongst heterosexual couples. Since the 1950s rates of heterosexual anal intercourse have increased in the U.S (it’s regularly practiced by approximately 10% of heterosexual couples) and according to the numbers in a new study if you were to count up all of the people having anal sex at one time in the U.S there would be more heterosexual couples engaging in the act than homosexuals. That’s a lot of cars cruising down the marmite motorway on a Friday night.

WHY GUYS LIKE RENTING DOWNSTAIRS SO THEY CAN DO SOME UPHILL GARDENING

Not all men enjoy making love to a woman whose head is on backwards (usually dudes who are sexually repressed or worried about getting their hands a bit dirty LOL) but for a lot of us it is an incredible turn on; the final frontier of a sexual interaction with a woman. So let’s have a closer look at the psychology behind our desire to dial “O” on the brown telephone shall we? Here are some of the reasons guys are so keen to let the one eyed child spit into the well:

IT’S TABOO

Essentially, men want what they can’t have, and finding a woman that’s willing to give it is a huge turn on. Throughout history, anal intercourse has been known as a sexual forbidden fruit of sorts. This off-limits factor makes it especially appealing to us; the thought of a woman allowing us to put it up her bum bum just seems so deliciously naughty. And we like to be naughty.

IT’S A NOVELTY

As the saying goes “variety is the spice of life”. So the idea of something new and different will be especially appealing and exciting to us. For many men, anal sex is seen as a ‘gift’ from their partners – something rare and special. Who the fuck doesn’t like presents? Personally I’d trade Christmas day for Anal Sex day in a heartbeat. I fuckin hate Christmas haha

IT’S PRIMAL

Anal is all about sex for the sake of sex. It’s purely physical without thought to pregnancy (up the bum no babies!) so there’s something very primitive and animalistic in taking a woman this way. It’s sexual intercourse in its rawest form; where all inhibitions and preconceptions fall away and all that is left is two people going at it like wolves. No wonder guys go a bit nuts when it’s a full moon.

IT’S INTIMATE

Believe it or not, a lot of guys are into anal because on an emotional level it feels really intimate. There’s a lot of prepping that needs to happen, plus a greater level of communication and foreplay involved in the actual act. When a woman allows me access to her no-no spot it evokes a profound sense of love and trust; that her willingness to give all of herself to me and know I won’t abuse that trust connects us on a deeper level that is often the most gratifying part of any sexual interaction.

HE’S AN ASS MAN

You can pretty much split heterosexual men into two groups – tit men and ass men. Some of us sit on the fence and refuse to play favourites, but for the most part we know which group we fall into. There’s not a doubt in my mind that I’m an ass man every day of the week and twice on Sunday’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I love titties, I do. Them shits is delicious. I just don’t feel the deep vibrations between me and baps that I do with me and butts. No matter how salacious or perfectly formed a woman’s breasts are, I can have a conversation with her and never drop my gaze from her eyes once. But when a woman has a nice pair of legs and an onion butt (an ass so beautiful it makes me cry) then I become a slack-jawed yokel; gazing in admiration at that juicy wiggle as it walks off into the sunset.

I like bodacious butts and I cannot lie.

WHY WOMEN LIVE IN FEAR OF BEING ANALLY ASSASSINATED

Conversely, not all women are afraid of making a baby the hard way (with a small percentage who the only thing they enjoy more than a dick in their ass is two dicks in their ass) but for a lot of women it can be frightening – even if they’ve done it before. There are a number of reasons a young lady may be apprehensive at becoming backdoor buddies with her bed partner. Let’s look at some of the main ones:

SHIT ACCIDENTS (AKA SHITCIDENTS)

One time I managed to coerce a girl I was seeing into putting an unexpected item into her bagging area. After the deed was done and I triumphantly withdrew my bald headed yoghurt slinger I realised something was seriously amiss. Sitting on the end of my knob was a hearty nugget of shit. As the foul stench of this egregious example of excrement began to sting my nostrils a look of horror swept over my face. The young lady started to chortle and vindictively crowed “well that’s what you get for fucking me up the arse you dirty cunt!”

Now in this instance I was the one who ran to the shower crying while she laid there laughing like a fuckin drain. But a lesser woman probably would have been mortified and embarrassed by the experience. The fear of a shitcident probably greatly inhibits a lot of women from attempting anal sex.

THEY THINK IT’S GONNA HURT REALLY BAD

On another occasion I picked a girl up at a nite club and took her back to my place. As I fantasised about the myriad of ways I was going to violate this 23 year old nurse with cans the size of ripened cantaloupes my mischievous machinations were brought to a grinding halt. Turns out her parents were extremely strict Catholics (they sounded like fanatics) and the whole sex before marriage thing was a no go; she was a virgin.

Well at least her pussy was anyway. For some bizarre reason these people believe that pre-marital vaginal sex is off limits but bum sex is A-O-K in God’s eyes. But if the front door was locked than the backdoor was firmly boarded shut with guard dogs sitting in front of it waiting to bite my dick off.

Apparently the only real sexual experience she’d had was with some thoughtless fucktard who subscribed to the porno film method of anal sex. Rather than using plenty of lubricant and starting off with a finger and tenderly working his way up to popping her chocolate covered cherry, this clod put a bit of spit on it and basically sodomised her – ensuring the Hershey highway was indefinitely closed for repairs by the time I tried to drive down it. You have a traumatic experience like that and of course you’re going to assume it will be a painful experience forever afterwards.

FEAR OF TEARING OR LEAKING

As per the above, some women are scared that an inexperienced man will thrust his penis in too quickly and tear something up in there. Or their asshole will stretch out so much that their future bowel movements will have the consistency of a McDonald’s thickshake and she’ll need tampons for her mud whistle as well as her fanny.

GETTING HEMORRHOIDS

If you have ever seen pictures of cauliflower butts that gay men get from too much anal sex … not a massive surprise that some ladies would be shit scared (no pun intended) of having that happening to their tidy little balloon knots.

THE MAN WON’T RESPECT HER AFTERWARDS

With some guys being serious assholes (I swear these puns aren’t intended!) I’m sure there would be a proportion of women who fear that once he’s speared her rear she’ll be discarded like yesterday’s newspaper. Even the saying “fucked in the ass” implies some level of debasement; no woman wants to feel degraded while having an intimate experience with a man.

DR STRANGELOVE OR: HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LOVED GETTING BUMMED

So there you have it guys, the politics of anal. Like anything in life, toiling at the chocolate coalface has its pleasures and its pitfalls. It can either result in an intensely rewarding sexual experience and a deeply intimate connection with another human being, or it can end up with a woman screaming like a wounded banshee and doo-doo butter all over the sheets.

It’s not going to be for everyone, but it’s definitely worth giving it a shot (in the pooper hehe) at least once – how else will you know whether it’s your thing or not?

For the guys reading this – start slow, don’t be stingy with the lube and be mindful of how your partner is feeling. The truth is a lot of women actually want to try it with you! But you have to take their fears seriously. Unless you assuage their anxiety and make them feel totally comfortable about anal sex, it’s never gonna happen. Be a gentleman and romance their rectums and you’ll be browning your meat in no time.

For the girls reading this – don’t believe all the myths and give penis a chance. Every woman has a little wild streak in them and a desire to be a bad girl. Who wants to always be the goody two shoes? There’s something alluring and mysterious about the dark side, dangerous and edgy. The fact that your tight little back door is “forbidden” and “taboo” makes that wild kinky side come out in the bedroom. Plus, if you’re a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, your man is going to die of happiness; he’s got the gorgeous, confident, trophy wife to the public and the sexy, wild, mistress-like vixen in the bedroom. Embrace your dark side and give your man a double win.

Because we all win then.

And just remember kids: