Oh god. Release The Canyons already. There’s a great New York Times article about the production of the film — the Kickstarter-funded, micro-budget thriller written by Bret Easton Ellis, directed by Paul Motherfuckin’ Schrader, featuring Lindsay Lohan, porn star James Deen and “one contractually obligated, four-way sex scene.”

What? Before they started shooting, Paul Schrader told ANIMAL he was going to film “good looking people doing bad things.” There you go. Also, there’s blood. From MUUURDER. Let us now gossip.

Looks like Deen did that thing he told ANIMAL he wasn’t going to do. He went off to shoot porn. Tks-tsk.

Also, apparently, Lohan was a little difficult (sometimes) — say whaaat? — leaving Deen and Schrader yelling at each other (sometimes). But Schrader is a true professional. He even promised not to sleep with Lohan and everything! Here’s the best play-by-play.

Another hour passed, and Lohan eventually moved to the bed but wouldn’t remove her robe. Schrader worried that the early-morning sunlight would begin streaming through the house. He thought of sending everyone home. But then he realized that there was one thing he hadn’t yet tried. He stripped off all of his clothes. Naked, he walked toward Lohan. “Lins, I want you to be comfortable. C’mon, let’s do this.” Lohan shrieked. “Paul!” Pope heard the scream and ran up from downstairs. He turned a corner, and there was a naked Schrader. Pope let out a “whoa” and slowly backed out of the room.

Wow. Is Deen rubbing off on Schrader? Are we turning into snickering little tabloid whores?

And then there’s Bret Easton Ellis’s post-screening verdict:

“The film is so languorous. It’s an hour 30, and it seems like it’s three hours long. I saw this as a pranky noirish thriller, but Schrader turned it into, well, a Schrader film.”

Release. Release.

Here’s a 30’s comedy style teaser, also available in sleazy ’70s grindhouse and ’50s film noir. But it’s neither one of those. It’s “a Schrader film.” Well, damn.