FAIRFAX, VA—Citing the founding fathers’ strongly held beliefs regarding violent retribution, the National Rifle Association warned Monday that a ban on assault weapons would infringe on the constitutional and inalienable right of Americans to make them all pay. “Lawmakers need to understand the importance of having the God-given freedom to enact revenge, a fundamental and part of this nation’s history,” said CEO Wayne LaPierre, claiming that the Second Amendment granted Americans the right to bear arms both for protection and when some miserable bastard absolutely has it coming. “If you take away our assault weapons, it’ll be way too easy for just anyone to show their smug little face and not pay the ultimate price. Infringing on our rights to show the smart-asses who’s boss only leads to an America where any citizen can just say anything they want, whether we like it or not, with no fear of being shot to death.” The NRA also unveiled a new ad campaign citing the Declaration Of Independence’s assertion that every citizen is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of bloody revenge.

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