by Vladimir Golstein

From recently found and previously unpublished pages of Gogol’s “Diary of a Madman.”

Day 1.

Woke up late today. Read NYT. There are a lot of things that bother me. There are Russian spies and Nazis everywhere. And all they do is plotting something against our democracy. What a disgrace.

Went to a coffee shop. On the way there, saw a dog carrying a newspaper. A Chinese Chow-Chow dog. Oh, those are crafty. Followed it. Found where it lived. As I was getting close to it, I’ve heard it grumbled something. But it was in Chinese, so I didn’t quite get it. I wonder, how they make it in this country without English.

Returned home and listened to the NPR. Our president bothers me. He wants to keep foreigners out. If he does that, who will cut my grass?

Had my quinoa salad and went to bed.

Day 2.

The NYT wasn’t at its usual place on the porch. Somebody must have read it already. Must be one of those dogs. They like to get the news before me. I wonder what did it try to find there? Advertising for dog’s shampoo or something more political. Oh, those Chinese, they really control North Korea, and our president wants to bomb North Korea. Yes, here is the rub.

Looked at the newspaper. There was nothing on North Korea, but plenty about Putin. This Putin is the one to watch. He is even more crafty than Chinese. He must be a Jew or something.

Decided to revisit the place where the dog lives. Found out another dog wondering around this place. A female pug. They might have an affair or something. As the female was circling around the porch, the male Chau-Chau dropped a note from the second floor. I was there first, and got it before the pug. Who growled at me, but I waved my hands, and the pug backed off. Rushed home to read the note.

Day 3.

Could not sleep all night. The note kept me wondering. Turns out, the Chau-Chau is the Russian hacker. Yes, I’ll be damned. The note contained all the secret codes by which the dog managed to get into President Trump’s computer. Turns out, the computer was empty. There was nothing there except a couple of inane tweets. The Chau-Chau’s note was full of fear. He was afraid he might be punished for not finding more. What a fool. He could not figure out that the ruler of our country does not use English. The deep state is all Jewish, and therefore their language moves not from left to right but from right to left. No wonder the Chau-Chau could not read anything. He should have been reading in reverse.

They can’t fool me, those Khazars. Do you know when you read Chau-Chau in reverse, you get Soros, and when you read Trump in reverse, you get Putin. And yes, when you read Putin in reverse you get Rothschild. That’s how these guys operate in any case.

Once I understood it, I wrote a letter to the NYT and NPR. The public has to know the truth. Except the Jews who control the media and would never publish it. I am better off to organize the dogs’ rebellion. From tomorrow on, I am beginning to learn the dogs’ language. Time to organize. Listened to NPR, but there was nothing there about dogs, so I turned it off and went to bed.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Vladimir Golstein teaches Slavic Studies at Brown University. He is a frequent political commentator on RT and Mintpress.