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Report from New Orleans, Louisiana about rebellious antifascist and anti-police actions which took place during Pride celebrations.

New Orleans’ official Pride Parade had some trouble getting rolling this weekend. Weighed down by bloated corporate sponsor floats that couldn’t turn French Quarter corners, it was further delayed by queer commies who blocked its path to conduct a speakout about the evils of police and the necessity for queer rebellion.

While these valorous hanky-code hooligans faced down an actual armored military vehicle covered in cops and rainbow flags, a different drama was blossoming in New Orleans’ Central Business District, where three so-called “Proud Boys” were spotted in their little costumes posted up not far from a downtown fusion tacqueria.

The result? The so-called Proud Boys being:

a.) milkshaked and

b.) physically beaten up, 1-on-3

It’s an example of how well-woven community defense works. In this case, a local gay furry brunching nearby noticed the Proud Boys, didn’t feel up to confronting them personally but snapped a pic and sent it to members of a local antifascist organizing network, who rebroadcast it within THEIR networks. A few different people heeded the call and showed up.

First, a comrade who happened to be doing some Soros-funded overtime nearby sacrificed nearly eight dollars to buy a milkshake from a heinously overpriced yuppie business, following which they conducted a precision ride-by milkshaking. Rumors are this cyclist was in fact Saints quarterback Drew Brees, because the motherfucker launched that milkshake, hit the Proud Boys and splattered the shit perfectly without ever dipping under 20mph. Bystanders describe the milkshake as “arriving as from a laser-guided cannon… nearly supersonic velocity…. targeted to the nanometer.”

At this point some of the customers sitting at the tacqueria were jeering the Proud Boys. Like all Pride weekend attendees, the Proud Boys were excited that their outfits were getting attention, and posed for a pic showing themselves splattered. Alas, the smiles were soon to leave their faces, for the milkshake was only the hors d’oeuvre.

The main course arrived shortly, a passerby who noticed their outfits and engaged the so-called Proud Boys in a brief Q&A. Q: Oh, you some Proud Boys? I heard y’all were tough. Think the three of you can take one middle-aged faggot? A: We’re just hanging out, man. Q: “Happy Pride, motherfuckers!,” at which juncture this recent arrival set about walloping the three of them, shredding their Perrys, smashing their sunglasses, and sending two of the three into a hasty retreat. The fattest of the trio at least tried to fight back, but he received no aid whatsoever from his supposed brothers and instead took his ass-whipping in the same profound isolation he’s presumably languished in every other day of his life.

We see again how real the “solidarity” of the right is. Three on one, broad daylight, these “Proud Boys” literally broke and ran.

At one point when the so-called Proud Boys were being beaten especially soundly a liberal seated nearby began screaming, “Stop, enough! Stop hitting them!” She was informed, fairly calmly, that ‘punch a nazi’ is not merely a cute meme for liberals to bandy around on the internet but in fact a real activity that those who recognize the threat of fascism put into practice.

They tried having a "Straight Pride Parade" last summer when the Proud Boys had a pub crawl (to all the gay bars) in New Orleans. The SUV that was pulling their float broke down. ? ? — The Bear Jieux (@TheBearJieux) June 4, 2019

Beaten, humiliated, and in rags, the three twenty-something “Proud Boys” retreated from the single anti-fascist. It’s a good thing they did, too, because a whole lot of very angry locals turned up shortly later looking for the Proud Boys… too bad they missed the fun this time around.

It seems like there are a few useful lessons that can be drawn from this.

– One is that the Proud Boys, like the rest of the Alt-Right, are absolute cowards. This is almost tautologically true, since if they had courage they wouldn’t try to join a fake white-person gang, but the evidence of their own actions (and inactions) clearly establishes they have no heart, no guts, and based on anecdotal evidence don’t even know how to fight, despite joining a group ostensibly centered on street brawling.

– Two is that the Alt-Right doesn’t understand solidarity. Any time shit goes a little bit south, all these so-called brothers will literally cut and run. Imagine being such a pathetic wretch that when someone is beating the shit out of your fellow gang member you merely stand out of arm’s reach shrieking “Stop it!” That’s what the Proud Boys did. They were bleating for mercy, but it wasn’t on the menu.

– Three is that fakes get exposed. These clowns were posted up on the wall like a squad, doing the gangster lean in their little outfits, but fake thugs fare poorly in New Orleans. Don’t dress up like a warrior if you aren’t on war footing: the clothes don’t make the man.

– Four is that cross-ideological solidarity and community-building work. There were all kinds of tendencies and priorities involved in the phone tree that brought these so-called Proud Boys to the attention of the community. This is because the significant segment of New Orleans that hates fascists is able to prioritize that. Some were socialists, some were anarchists, some were communists, some were Democrats, some claim no political affiliation whatsoever… but we all agree that fascists got to go. This network of trust and communication in New Orleans has taken effort and energy to cultivate, years of effort and energy expended at the interpersonal level by many people from many walks of life.

– Fifth is that direct action gets the goods. Rather than creeping around documenting what kind of footwear these nerds had on or following them at a distance, a couple random individuals stepped up and took care of business. It’s literally that easy! This leads to the sixth and arguably most important lesson:

– The Alt-Right is weak. It’s comprised of frightened people who need excuses for their own fear, and try to cling to the dominant power structure in hopes it will protect them from the consequences of capitalism (and their own actions). These pathetic “Proud Boys,” like other white-power and fascist variants, are alienated, rootless, meaningless non-entities seeking to feel important, to feel connected to something. For all their vaunted individualism these are joiners, followers, underlings always looking for the biggest boot to lick.

The threat of fascism is real. Police are murderers. America is awash in frustrated, unhappy men with guns looking for an excuse to murder someone. The government is a massive totalitarian death engine that’s working with tech companies to index and repress every facet of resistance, every possibility other than the status quo. There’s never been a more dangerous time… but these hobbyist fucks, these sad lost boys looking for daddy’s love in an internet social club, are still, at this point, a pathetic joke. Of course, they are a joke ONLY because they haven’t been permitted to grow, and DIRECT ACTION is why they haven’t been permitted. But we need to keep them in perspective. They are not some epic foe from a movie, they’re just sad herd animals without the heart to fight back.

There are tons of liberals on social media – hell, there are salaried professionals employed by big “anti-hate” orgs – who WANT you to be afraid of those specific three Proud Boys (two of them U.S. military vets! for shame!) who got milkshaked and beat up on Pride Weekend. They want to paint these pathetic weaklings as fearsome rampaging ogres. It is in the direct (often, financial) interest of these “experts” to sow fear and to build a daunting mythos around every idiot who faves a Pepe tweet.

This insidious myth-making, which serves the interests of these fascists, is not limited to liberals and cynical professional fearmongers; there are some on our side who, in hopes of feeling stronger and more important, contribute to building up broken, deranged and isolated online losers as something more sinister than they are.

Now having been exposed as cowards and frauds, these proud boys fulminate and (gently, gingerly) beat their chests on facebook, hoping to regain some of the face that got punched in last time they ventured into the real world. And already, the online rumor mill churns in response, with hysterical “COMMUNITY ALERTS” broadcast by supposed anti-fascist liberals who love the excitement of frightening themselves and others.

Never forget, comrades: we outnumber the police. We outnumber the bosses. We outnumber the fascists. They control our future only to the degree we cede it to them.

And, while beating up Alt-Right dudes is easy and fun, it won’t fix any systemic issues. Don’t mistake it for more than a sideshow. That ostensibly gay-friendly police force that queer commies faced down at the New Orleans pride parade is immeasurably more dangerous to our lives and futures than the three pagliaccis getting their costumes forcibly re-tailored across town. If you want fascists to be scared of, there’s an armed fascist gang with a track record of actual murder who walk our streets un-milkshaked daily. They wear blue instead of black&yellow. The emergency is very much at hand.