Edited 06/18 – I posted this anonymously at first, because I’m afraid of repercussions. However, today, I decided that I don’t want to be afraid to address a problem that I think needs to be addressed.

After Brother Otterson’s recent letter, I had been wanting to sit down and address one particular issue I had with his letter. But I didn’t get around to it. After the news of Kate Kelly, and John Dehlin receiving letters for pending courts of discipline, I just want to sit down and get this post written today.

Because we have a problem in the Church. And the events of today will make me post this whole thing anonymously, because right now, I’m feeling afraid. Which is the very problem we have: fear. A culture of fear.

Brother Otterson suggested in his open letter the need for addressing concerns and issues with local leaders. Honestly, I’m a fan of that. I really believe in resolving issues, as much as we can, with people directly, and at the local level. A Church like ours could not possibly function, if a few select people had to deal with all the issues that arise. It’s unreasonable, and unrealistic. Local level makes sense. However, we have a structural problem that makes it very hard to address issues at the local level (or any level really). And today underlined this very problem.

Let me tell you about some of my personal experiences to demonstrate the problem I’m seeing. About 3 years ago, I sat in a Relief Society lesson. I don’t remember what the lesson was about, but the teacher brought up at some point how her sister no longer was active, because women did not hold the priesthood. The teacher expressed how her sister simply didn’t understand the priesthood. I raised my hand and offered another perspective (than the sister just being a poor, ignorant inactive member). I quoted President Hinckley’s interview, and the statement that God could change women not holding the priesthood if he gave such a revelation. To this I added that we simply do not know why women are not holding the priesthood. My comment was ignored, and the lesson went on. The teacher closed with a tearful testimony that “Joseph Smith always obeyed God in all things”.

A few weeks later, my Relief Society president pulled me aside, and in our conversation it turned out that my comment had become an issue to discuss in ward council. Our conversation had the goal of getting me to not make controversial comments like that. For the sake of new members.

This all came sort of as a shock. My quoting a prophet was controversial, but a teacher making a claim that is completely false, (if you’ve ever read the scriptures, Joseph Smith did NOT obey God in all things all the time, he messed up plenty of times, starting off with trying to take the Golden Plates too early) was not an issue. Wow.

I was shaken up by this experience, but moved along, trying to phrase my comments more carefully. Shortly after this we moved away anyway, and bigger trials were ahead.

A few months into arrival at our new ward, I needed to renew my temple recommend. I scheduled an appointment, had my interview, and went on my way. Smooth sailings. Then, maybe a month after the interview, the Bishop asked my husband and I to come to his office. We were expecting callings. However, when we sat down in his office, my Bishop started asking me about my blog. I had a personal blog, where I’d write about my person life (you know, family, kids, illness, personal struggles, gardening, etc.). I was confused and stunned that my Bishop would know about my little blog. Even more confusing was his tone. It was stern, and serious. Immediately, I could sense that somehow I was on trial. Something was wrong. I had done something. But I had no clue what.

He kept asking about my blog, and I kept asking what about it. Then he brought up a second blog I had (for family and friends to have discussions on controversial issues that I didn’t want on my “family” oriented blog). On it, I had written about a quote from President Kimball in Miracle of Forgiveness that I really disagreed with, and said this much on that blog.

My Bishop said that I had lied in my temple recommend interview, and that he may have to take away my recommend. And I just sat there, confused, and unsure what I had actually done. I kept asking my Bishop what the actual issue was, and how he knew about my blog. Slowly, it came out that he had called up my old Bishop after the interview (which, I guess, is normal procedure), and found out from that Bishop that I had written some questionable stuff about priesthood leaders on there. Or that somehow the old Bishop was not quite sure about my testimony.

This was the first time I heard about any of this. And I had no clue how my old Bishop knew about my blog. But he had passed on the addresses of both blogs to my new Bishop, who tried to read what the troublesome issues may have been, but could not access them, because I had turned them completely private months ago.

I was shaking. My husband just sat there in silence, completely stunned by the turn of events. Eventually, I managed to figure out what my Bishop probably tried to find out – what I thought of priesthood leaders in the Church. I told him if that’s what he wanted to know or check, I’d be happy to tell him. So, I told him that I sustain our leaders, but also believe that they are people who can and DO make mistakes. That’s all. He said that was fine, and send us on our way, with my temple recommend still in my pocket.

My husband and I were in complete shock though when we left the office. I could not understand how this all happened. How did my old Bishop have all these concerns about me, and I knew nothing about it? I decided to take the direct approach, and call up my old Bishop to find out what had happened. Talking to him, I found out that a ward member had read my blog and was “troubled” by a post, which they then forwarded to my old Bishop. My old Bishop read my blog after the forwarded message, and found it also a bit troubling. Nonetheless, he didn’t take any action, because he chatted with me in a hallway and felt that my testimony was fine.

Yet, I guess it wasn’t fine enough for him to not pass on my blogs to my new Bishop, or to share concerns and doubts with him. Even though he had never directly addressed those with me (whatever hall way chat he had with me about my testimony was not something I was aware of as a check on my spiritual standing).

What was most troublesome in this whole thing though was the fact that a ward member could pass on “information” to a Bishop, and that the Bishop actually took that information and ran with it. Someone tattled, and he paid attention to the tattler. He reassured me that all this was done only out of love and concern for me. But where did this love and concern get me?

It undermined my trust in my entire old ward, because I didn’t know who passed on posts from my personal blog. I unfriended everyone from my old ward as a result on Facebook.

It undermined my trust in local leaders being upfront and honest with me about any issues they may have with me.

It put my husband, new Bishop and myself in a very uncomfortable position.

It could have cost me my temple recommend, if my new Bishop would have put any more trust in the old Bishop than he already had.

It didn’t actually address the issues that apparently were so troublesome (the post in question was one where I wrote that priesthood leaders mess up, and sometimes can be outright evil – which was an emotional response to my finding out about some serious missteps of local priesthood leaders towards friends and family).

It didn’t open up a dialogue in which I could be instructed, share my concerns, learn and grow.

It only did one thing: it put me on trial. A trial, where my new Bishop immediately sided with the old Bishop, whom he did not know at all. He may not have known me well, but he knew me better than my old Bishop in another state. Yet, apparently his office of Bishop made him a more trustworthy source than I was. Or, even though we had a smooth temple recommend interview, during which my new Bishop apparently felt no promptings that I was lying, he still believed that old Bishop, overriding even his own promptings during the interview.

I cannot express how terrifying, and painful this whole situation felt. And how surprising and shocking. Even though I had expressed that priesthood leaders make mistakes in my blog post, I cannot say that I had very personal experience of this “fact”. Yet, there I was – accused of lying, talked about behind my back, tattled on by a ward member, with no spiritual care offered, but instead given threats of removal of spiritual sources. I assume this happened, because priesthood leaders aren’t perfect. The irony.

Now, both of these Bishops are overall good men. I actually really loved my old Bishop. He was a nice guy, really involved in helping ward members and people in the community (as far as I could tell), and otherwise seemed pretty in tune with things. And yet, this all happened. And even when I sent him a message a few days after, explaining how hurtful and problematic his handling of the situation was to me, he did not really apologize, but merely stated that it was all done out of love and concern.

This experience has haunted me since. I cannot shake the memory of a Bishop siding with another Bishop for no other reason than his calling. Not because he knows that man to be one of integrity. I cannot shake this clear sense of being on “trial”, the threatening feel of it all. There was no love and concern in the room.

I cannot forget how when I shared what had happened with family and friends, they all went silent. No one said anything. It felt like they all somehow felt that I must have done SOMETHING wrong, or else this wouldn’t have happened. It felt shameful.

So, then I went silent as well, and tried to forget the uncomfortable feelings of that time. But as time passed, I kept reading more and more stories of other members having similar experiences, being called into the Bishop’s office, because another member complained about them. The tattling apparently was always done out of love. The calling in was apparently always done out of love. Just somehow those who got called in never really felt loved.

This is the problem we face in Church. We have a structure of discipline in the Church that does not create a safe environment to bring up concerns. It cannot, because of the inequality in power and authority. I don’t think it has much to do with how well-trained a Bishop is, or how kind/unkind he is, or how willing to listen. It’s simple the nature of the system. And members abusing this system. They abuse it by tattling on their fellow Saints. They do it for Jesus. But it’s something Jesus has spoken out against, asking us instead to resolve conflicts directly with our brothers (and sisters – see Matthew 18:15 ). They tattle, because of the power structure in place. They know who can do something to put another member in place. Which is why they don’t tattle to the Relief Society President usually, or go to the member they find issue with. They turn to the source of power.

It’s a system that makes the expression of concerns difficult, because if your Bishop does not like what he’s hearing, he has the power to take action AGAINST you. Maybe he shouldn’t. But who could you realistically talk to when a local leader misuses his power?I had no one to talk to. My new Bishop immediately sided with the other Bishop, not with me – a person he had actually met.

When you have to be afraid of how you word thing, when you have to feel like any wrong word, or action that a fellow member may see/hear/read and not like, can get you “turned in”, when you know that a Bishop will probably weigh the words of others “leaders” more heavily than what you say, and when you know that you are at risk of losing things of importance to you if you’re not understood properly – it is very hard to have the courage to open up.

After all, just my quoting a prophet and offering a carefully worded, differing perspective got me discussed in ward council, while a clearly doctrinally false statement just moved the rest of the room to tears.

How can Brother Otterson then really expect women to speak up and feel confident in sharing their concerns, doubts and issues with local leaders. Too much is at stake in the current set-up. People can tattle for Jesus, and will be listened to, and have their confidentiality protected. Your honest concerns, issues and problems that don’t fall in line with the majority, however – you better tuck those away in a private place where no one can find them. Else, who knows what will happen. And this, this is a structure of fear. You hold back in fear. You adjust your Facebook setting or your blog settings, because of fear. And today, I’m posting anonymously – because I’m afraid.

Today only proved one thing – that asking hard questions, that sharing doubts and insecurities with others is a dangerous thing.