I received “The Muslim Marriage Guide,” by Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood, as a gag gift. Unfortunately, it and all its outlandishness sat on my shelf for the better part of this past year. The other day, feeling too tired for Arabic, I thumbed through some of my books, looking for something new or worth re-reading when I saw Maqsood’s work. I dusted it off, cracked it open, and for the next two hours, was in fits. With Chapter titles like ‘Celebrating the Difference’ and ‘A Sign and Foretaste of Paradise,’ the beginning is a bit dull and can be largely skipped. It isn’t until you hit the chapter entitled ‘How to Turn Sex Into a Sadaqa’ that things really start to heat up. Looking at the first few pages, I saw that after an initial publication in 1998, it was slightly revised and republished in 2006. For the life of me I can’t find Ruqaiyyah’s e-mail address, which is a shame because a much needed 2nd revision is in order, featuring only about 50 of the book’s 190 pages. These pages can be found strictly in the aforementioned chapter, ‘How to Turn Sex into a Sadaqa,’ and the following chapter, ‘A Short A to Z Guide of Marriage.’ If Ruqaiyyah were to somehow stumble upon this suggestion and take heed, this 3rd edition would surely make waves on the New York Time’s bestseller’s list.

Below are a few excerpts from those wonderful 40 pages.

“Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look at his wife.”

Yes, yes. Do try. Seriously?

“SEX IS CLEAN!”

Note the all caps and exclamation point.

“It’s perfectly possible for a husband to touch a woman’s vagina and clitoris, and not to touch the part from which urine comes at all!”

Again, note the exclamation point. If you still have questions, I’m sure a simple google search will suffice.

“It is important for men to realize that women are not all the same, but are actually individual living beings.”

Yes, very important one here. They are people as well.

“A person embarking on a journey across strange territory will be well-advised to consult a map.”

Journey here is of course a thinly veiled metaphor for marriage. Just wait til you read what this map entails in the book!

“Do not approach women from the anus.”

Not much to say really about this one.

As I’ve already stated, these 50 pages include an incredibly haphazard index of terminology related to marriage, from A to Z. Below I have provided some of the indexed words and a line or two from the accompanying text.

“Dominant Males in Bed: …. Most women rather like their men to be dominant, so long as they know they will not be forced to do anything they would not wish to do. Many wives enjoy quite ‘rough’ sexplay, being ‘forced’ (in a pretence situation) to comply with a husband’s wishes – it can be quite flattering! Some even enjoy being spanked if ‘naughty.'”

Seems to be a perfectly relevant point of discussion in a religiously oriented book on marriage.

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“Dry Parts: … Lubricants such as “KY jelly’ can be bought over the counter in any chemists.”

Here is a nice product placement.

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“Fatherhood: This usually comes as a shock the first time around.”

Seems like an inappropriate way to start off the topic.

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“Masochism: There are many women and men, especially, it seems, in Anglo-Saxon and Protestant cultures, who cannot achieve orgasm without the fantasy of beating or being beaten.”

Oh, yes. All my white friends have this inclination.

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“Men Unused to Women: If a man has not had to live with sisters, he will often be quite taken aback by female ‘trappings,’ such as tights hanging up in the bathroom, or girl’s underwear on the radiators.”

Duly noted.

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“Periods: Women frequently suffer from PMT (pre-menstrual tension) for anything up to a week before their period starts. If they do, they are likely to be bad-tempered, depressed, illogical, and suffer from psychological disorders, and some are even at extra risk form things as serious as driving accidents, or moral disorders such as the temptation of theft.”

Ok, there are a lot of issues with this paragraph, but theft? Seriously?

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“Sex Manuals: There are dozens of excellent sex manuals in Arabic. Some of these are extremely advanced, far more so, in fact, than most non-Muslim works available in the West.”

It always has to be a competition….

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“Sexual Fantasies: Almost everyone has these.”

That’s it. That is all the author had to say on the topic of sexual fantasies.