A DAY IN THE LIFE OF BOBBY M

Roberto Martínez overslept this morning. He only had himself to blame. He had asked Antolín Alcaraz to set his alarm for him and the accident-prone Paraguayan defender had only gone and done him over by making it 8am instead of 6am. D’oh! That pesky Alcaraz! But Martínez couldn’t be annoyed with him. Not Antolín. Never Antolín. “Antolín has really put a spoke in my wheels,” Martínez said to himself. “But I applaud his outstanding vision, his willingness to be brave, to take a risk and play a prank like that, and will never ask him to betray his philosophy. Outstanding. I will ask him to set my alarm again tomorrow morning. I will have a good chuckle about that.”

Then he wandered downstairs, where Joel Robles was making breakfast. “Morning, boss!” Robles chirped. “You’re up late! But not to worry! Breakfast is served!” Martínez glanced down at his plate and was confused by the mess in front of him. “Joel,” he said cautiously. “You appear to have tried to make pancakes using yesterday’s laundry for ingredients. We … we went through this. You’ve been on the cookery course. But I will eat it. Because it is outstanding that you tried. You have shown an outstanding character. And as I always say, when life gives you lemons, what do we make?”

Robles stared at him blankly.



“Joel?” Martinez said. “What do we make when life gives you lemons?”



Robles blinked. There was nothing there. Martínez sighed. But he ploughed on regardless.

“Joel. Life. Lemons.”



“Appletiser?”



“Appletiser! No, Joel! Lemonade! When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade! We’ve been over this so many times! But do not fret. I applaud you for giving it your best and attempting to answer my riddle. You have shown outstanding levels of spirit and you will answer correctly tomorrow, I can feel it coming. Any day now.”



That little lemon-based educational lesson out of the way, Martínez realised it was time to head to Everton’s training ground and prepare for tonight’s relegation six-pointer with West Bromwich Albion. It didn’t matter that he was running a bit late, because John Stones was due round any minute now to give him a lift. Stonesy – so reliable, so prompt, such an outstanding practitioner of giving lifts, the last person you would expect to let you down, never puts a foot wrong, not intentionally anyway.

But an hour later, Martínez was still sitting by his front door. No word from Stonesy. He had tried calling him. No answer. He’d left several messages. No reply. Eventually he gave up, walked the 13 miles to the training ground and found Stonesy waiting for him at the entrance. “Stonesy!” Martínez barked. “Where were you? I told you to pick me up, you never arrived and now I am two hours late for training! This is a disaster.”

Stonesy looked confused. “Yes, boss, you said ‘Pick me up from my house tomorrow morning’,” he said. “So that’s what I did. I waited at my house, but you never turned up. I assumed you had got a lift from Jags.” Martínez sighed. He could feel his anger rising. But he pushed it back down and complimented Stonesy on his outstanding levels of grammatical understanding instead.

Training went by without a hitch. Phil Jagielka sent a mere 17 outstanding backpasses straight to Kevin Mirallas, Tim Howard dropped only 27 of the outstanding crosses sent into the area by Leighton Baines, Seamus Coleman forgot his own name only six times, the outstanding Muhamed Besic and Gareth Barry stood next to each other in the centre circle all afternoon and passed the ball to each other 423 times and the outstanding Aiden McGeady got distracted and went bounding after an empty packet of crisps that was floating around the pitch only 47 times. “An outstanding day’s work,” a satisfied Martínez said at 8.23pm. “I fail to see how we could have improved on it.” He looked at the calendar that Sylvain Distin had given him for Christmas. “West Bromwich Albion will not know what hit them!”

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Michael Butler now for Ghana 2-1 Senegal in the Africa Cup of Nations, and then keep him company, stalkers, for Everton 1-2 West Brom at 8pm GMT.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

10 April 2014: “I’m not a crook. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m not dishonest” – Massimo Cellino says he is an honest man.

19 January 2015: “The board considered the matter again and concluded that it clearly demonstrated that Mr Cellino’s offence did indeed involve acts that would reasonably be considered to be dishonest” – the Football League begs to differ.



FIVER LETTERS

“I was amused to see Luke Shaw quoted on Big Website on Friday, saying ‘you don’t know how big Manchester United are until you sign’. Ironically, it seems Manchester United didn’t know how big Luke Shaw was until he signed” – Malcolm South.



“I was amused to read David Wall’s letter regarding ‘Arry Redknapp being kept in a job just for Jim White Day (Friday’s Fiver letters). However, if ‘Arry was not in a job, he could be sitting next to Jim White on Jim White Day in the Sky Sports HQ. Sky could even get a Range Rover window installed for authenticity and rebrand the event SUPER JIM WHITE DAY. I expect Jim White might actually explode from the excitement. In that case, here’s hoping ‘Arry gets his marching orders” – Michael George.

“I believe the Toronto FC suit was being totally serious, and not honking, when claiming that Jozy Altidore checks all of the boxes that the team looks for in a player (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). This is a club that, every year, provides promises of greatness and then never delivers on the pitch. Those boxes are being well and truly checked” – Scott Henderson.



“Britt Assombalonga may have scored the equaliser in Nottingham Forest’s comeback win at Derby on Saturday, but he earned the scorn of 5 Live summariser Steve Claridge, who remarked that Britt could probably run faster round the pitch if he stopped chewing gum for the whole 90 minutes. Finally, some real insight by a pundit – why in this age of believing in ‘marginal gains’ are professional athletes allowed to do something so potentially harmful to their performance?” – Liam Murtagh.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Michael George, who wins a copy of Six Stickers: a journey to complete an old sticker album. And there will be a new prize on offer for next week’s letters. Mo’ prizes!

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BITS AND BOBS

Wigan have told West Brom that, if they think £4m is enough for Callum McManaman, then frankly they can do one.

Swansea City’s Neil Taylor could soon be Crystal Palace’s Neil Taylor if a sack containing £4.5m works its magic at the Liberty Stadium. Meanwhile, after becoming the Swans’ No1 striker by default, Bafétimbi Gomis wants to flounce his way right out of the front door.

Louis van Gaal has told Manchester United fans that he doesn’t care what they think. “How many fans do Manchester United have? All over the world we’ve got 600 million. You cannot take into account 600 million opinions,” he said, ignoring the fact they’re all telling him the same thing: stop effing about with the back five, four, three, whatever.

BREAKING (NOSE)! Barendrecht’s Mitchell van Gastel is nursing nose-snap after referee Wim Bronsvoort accidentally clotheslined him during a Dutch amateur match.

Photograph: YouTube

Derby County president Sam Rush has had a right old pop at the club’s fans who ran on to the pitch after their 2-1 defeat to Nottingham Forest, where one tried to attack Kelvin Wilson, while others vandalised the shiny motor of Forest owner Fawaz Al-Hasawi outside the ground. “Even the Derby Telegraph carried on Monday morning the title ‘Disgraceful’,” fumed Rush. “I know that the vast majority of Derby fans are equally appalled by the callous act of a thoughtless individual seeking to attack a player on the pitch. “We can only apologise for those individuals who mistakenly call themselves Rams fans.”

Arsenal player in “we defended well as a team” shocker.

After warning ‘Arry Redknapp in October that he was embarrassing the club and then hiring Tim Sherwood’s No2 Les Ferdinand as head of football operations, QPR chairman Tony Fernandes has said he doesn’t understand “rumours” that the manager’s position is under threat. “Harry is the best man for the job,” he cheered.

Quite what has prompted Jérôme Champagne to label David Ginola “a golddigger” following the flaxen-haired former footballer’s bid to stand for the Fifa presidency after being paid £250,000 to do so by an Irish bookmaker is a mystery. But that’s what he’s done. “If you ain’t no punk holla we want prenup. WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah,” he didn’t say.

A third bomb attack this season against Cypriot referees and their families has prompted the country’s men in the middle to consider whether they can really be bothered to put their necks on the line for much longer.

And Norwegian outfit Sandefjord – managed by Lars Bohinen – have revealed why they will occasionally wear a camouflage-patterned kit this season. “It’s special. We want to show that we are ready for the battle,” parped marketing manager Frank Lindahl.

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Here’s the latest Football Weekly, with AC Jimbo joined by Barry Glendenning, John Ashdown and Gregg Bakowski.

STILL WANT MORE?

Words. Lots of them. Right here. It’s 10 talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action.

How the mighty Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have fallen. Graham Spiers gets stuck right into the cascade of harebrained decisions that have knacked one half of the Old Firm.

Thierry Henry’s suave Sky TV debut left the viewer forever some imaginary tablecloth, candlesticks and tasteful mood music away from their own intimate dinner à deux with football royalty, soothes Simon Burnton.

A blog about capuccinos being doled out to prolific goalscorers? Yes, it could only be Paolo Bandini’s Serie A wrap. This week, with a beady eye on Palermo’s Paulo Dybala.

Hey, internet! Stop laughing at Phil Jones taking corners, scolds Marcus Christenson.

Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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