I

--------------------------------------------

RELATED POSTS













have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. There is a difference between just having the 'blues' and suffering from severe manic depression. Everyone goes through difficult times. You go through a break up and feel sad for a few days, but eventually you get over it and move on with your life. The effects of severe depression are more than just feeling the blue's once in awhile, it's a life long struggle that no one can understandSevere depression can take over your entire life. I have been on meds for it for the last 7 years or so. Before that, my life was pure Hell. I had this overwhelming despair every day of my life. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. Even though I was married and had 3 beautiful babies, my life wasn't happy. I couldn't see the good things in life, I only saw the bad. I had insane mood swings. One day, I would feel happy and carefree, but the next day I would wake up feeling like I hated everyone and everything. I hated my life every single day. It caused problems in the beginning of my marriage. I would have manic episodes where I would flip out over tiny things. If my husband didn't do something or say something I thought he should, I would snap. I would yell, I would scream, I would cry. I would cry uncontrollably, for hours.. and hours. I would lay in bed and cry. It controlled my entire life, and I am sure that I wasn't always the best mother because of it.I finally decided to get help when my husband and I separated in 2006 and got on meds. I know many people refuse to be on medication and would rather deal with it on their own, but meds saved my life. Once my body got used to them, I felt the change. I felt happy again, something I hadn't felt since I was a kid. I went off of them for awhile but eventually went back to them.A few weeks ago, I was out of my meds for a week, and that week was Hell. I was miserable. I cried at the drop of a hat. I felt like I was out of my mind. One day I was crying, the next minute I was pissed off. Even though the meds do help a lot, I still struggle with depression on a daily basis. I always feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like it wouldn't even matter if I died today; no one would care, except for my kids and my mom. I still have my bad days where everything makes me cry. I look at my kids and feel like they deserve better than me. I have been through Hell because of my ex husband, and even though many people have told me what a strong woman I am for dealing with what I have been dealt, and being a single mom to my 3 kids, I just don't see it in myself. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, nothing. There are nights I just go to bed and cry and still feel that it would be easier to just.. end it all. Not that I am suicidal or anything like that. No one needs to be calling the authorities. These are just thoughts that run through my head once in awhile. I know that my kids need me and so does my mother, because we are very close. I just feel hopeless some days. I feel like nothing is ever good enough. That I am not good enough. I feel like the entire world is against me, and that I really have no one to lean on when I need it. I do have friends, a lot of them.. but they all have their own lives, they dont have time for my bullshit. Even when I was going through my separation from my ex husband and my divorce, none of them ever checked on me to see if I was ok. When I needed someone, no one was really there. They all said things like,but then I wouldn't hear from them for weeks.. or even months. None of them went out of their way to come to my house and make sure I was ok. I just always feel alone. Like I am in this world all by myself, like no one truly cares. Friends say they care, but when it comes down to it, they aren't truly there for me. There were many times when I would come straight out and say on Facebook,.. but none of them ever took the time. I'm not worth anyone's time.This is the struggle I go through every day due to my depression. I do have my good days where I can laugh and have fun but some times I feel like it is just all for show and the pain is still there; it's just pushed back for a little while, but eventually it comes to a head and I have to deal with that. I feel like no one understands. I always feel like I am not good enough and that I am just struggling through every day by myself. Is it even worth it?