When we last left #blurtlander he was still disgusted by Colum McKenzie’s legs, and strangely obsessed with the idea of seeing man bits under kilts. We find him tonight, having made a really, really nasty casserole that no one else ate, and pretending like it didn’t totally decimate his digestive tract. Oh, and watching the 4th episode of Outlander, The Gathering.

Things My Husband Says During Outlander: Episode One Episode Two Episode Three

Recaps and Title Images

No nudity this week? … Well eff that. I’m not watching.

Did she say Casterly Rock? Because that’s from ….

(literally more than 30 seconds later)

… Game of Thrones.

I keep trying to figure out what that body part is. Achilles tendon?

Opening Scene

(giggles)

Reminds me of The Village.

Like they’re watching for … red.

Ewwwwww grosss

Tiny little balls.



She looks pregnant in that dress.

I bet she IS pregnant.

SO pregnant.

OOOoooOOOooo la la.

HHAHAHAAA. Cocks.

What? Pull dicks? OH sticks.

(giggles)

Ewwww … “save some pie?” Like sloppy seconds?

Can she not speak Gaelic?

Stable Scene: He’s a Visual Learner

What? Why is Jamie not there? I don’t understand.

Is he telling her that Jamie’s having sex with the other chick?

Is he constipated?

He’s Making Connections

Why do I hear music playing from the 1940s in the background?

Is it her internal monologue?

(I explain yes, it’s like the music in her head.)

Seriously? Is that like a record player in the background? Like no one is gonna notice that shit?

You know that makes this like Shawshank Redemption.

There’s some things they just can’t take from you.

Tim Robbins.

Snack Break

I need a drink.

Hmmmmm that horse is gonna help her run away isn’t he?

Geillis is Back

Told ya that bitch is pregnant.



Weren’t they worried about flies back then? Like for real? All their food is exposed.

Geillis: So, he’s dead.

Him: [wistfully] No, he’s not even a stain on the sheets yet.

Geillis: I’m free

Him: Plus he’s got a huge [CENSORED].

(giggles)

She said bony place.

She said bony.

Claire’s trying to put all them crackers to sleep so she can sneak away, isn’t she?

Claire’s Jaunt to the Kitchens

How much longer is she going to be talking to herself like this?

(giggles)

They gettin’ it on like donkey kong.

Mrs. Fitz: We’ll fix that straight away.

Him: Yeah, she’ll make you look ugly and uncomfortable right away.

That lady has like 700 things to do, but she’s gonna make time to dress Claire? And last week she basically MADE Claire let her bathe her? I would be suspicious of her intentions at this point. SUSPICIOUS LEZBEAN INTENTIONS.

(giggles)

The Gathering Begins

Aaaaaand there’s Bow-Legged. (wretches)

Ewww. God, them legs are gross.

Makes me want to throw up just seeing them every time.

(horks)

He [Murtagh] doesn’t even know her.

Why did he just take it upon himself to start helping her understand?

He has no clue who she is.

Where the hell is Jamie?

Seriously.

Is he IN this episode?

Is Jamie a spy?

Is he just boinking the blonde chick off stage?

Gaelic sounds angry, like, all the time.

Dougal: swear by the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ…

Him: That’s blasphemy

Dougal: … that this holy iron

Him: … shall cut my peen right off.

He better watch that blade.

Ew … he kissed his hand. McGanglyDoo was probably just holding his d*** to take a piss before he came out there.

Ew … drinking after each other too? Blech.

Why does his own brother have to swear allegiance to him?



(giggles)

I get to go first. I’m line leader.

(giggles)

Claire: If you’ve seen one then …

Him: One scottish scrote is exactly like the rest.

Does he even know what “congratulations” means? She needs to stop confusing him with her fancy speak.

Angus: I don’t want to bide with ye in yer hole.

Him: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

(guffaws)

That bottle’s got some sleeping potion in it, doesn’t it? She’s gonna spit it out.

TOLD YA. He’s gonna be asleep in 10 seconds.

(giggles)

Hope he cleaned his beard.

He just grabbed some OLD lady’s ass. She’s like 60.

Cat FIGHT!!!!

(giggles)

Laoghaire: help a lad …

Him: … keep an erection?

Might I have a wee bit of jager?

She’s gonna give her just like a glass of water.

Blech

Dried horse dung. Sure, let’s eat some horse shit. I love horse apples.

OMG Wizard of Oz BS

Corridor Crimes

Oh there’s just a guy taking a leak. Now he’s gonna rape you.

D-GULL’s gonna cut his THROAT. Why did they back down?

OH he wants to f*** her too. Gotcha.

Oooo weee.

Is he just drunk?

He probably won’t remember any of that anyway

It sucks to be a woman in Scotland back then. Apparently you get raped around every corner.

Stablesssss

What’s Jamie doing?

(giggles)

WTF’s he doing out there?

Is he guarding the horses?

Jamie: I’ll see you back up to the castle.

Him: … and probably rape you on the way

(giggles)

[terrible scottish accent] Well I’ve got something for you to examine.

Je Suis WHAT

Was that French he spoke?

How does he know Franch?

How is his clan’s motto French when they’re Scottish?

All languages stem from Latin, not Franch.

RUB THAT IN YOUR FACE, punk.

Back in the Hall …

Somebody knocked Bilbo out.

NO, I don’t get this, Beards McEducate.

Do they not want him to pledge?

Is he gonna try to stop him?

Is that why Jamie was holed up in the stables?

BEECH. You done f***ed everybody’s world up.

Deciphering the MacKenzie Brothers

It looks like neither one of them want him to pledge, do they?

Is BowLegs happy with that? He looks …. happy … with that.

Why is he happy with that?

And Dougal’s happy too, huh?

You know what I think about when I think about Dougal? Doodle.

Doodle from Christmas City.

This is Doodle. A giant basketball playing wooden cut out from a Christmas display we’ve been visiting since we were kids. Doodle. I cannot.

He is one drunk mother f***er.

Does everybody publicly know why Jamie has to do that?

Because, they’re all ready to kill him. They were gonna shoot him with their swords and stuff.

Uh oh. Valid Point.

What about Murtagh?

Did he have to pledge?

Why not?

If he didn’t have to pledge then this whole story line is bullshit.

Boar Hunting Time

Where’s that record player at?

Wait til she sees this boar.

Betcha it’s got horns and shizz.

It’s gonna scare the eff out of her.

This 400 pound boar.

Boar’s porblably gonna kill that punk right there.

Just like Old Yeller.

Chew a punk’s legs off.

Told ya to wait for me, Claire, ya dumb hussy.

Oooo it was Dougal. He’s SAVED her now. She has to be grateful. Duh duh duuuuhhhh.

He gone die.

I can tell by the blood.

That punk gonna die.

Ew.

He’s gonna let him bleed out.

(guffaws)

Yeah. I porked your sister; she was hot, whatcha gone do about it now?

Gimme a kiss before I die



He’s gonna have a new found respect for her isn’t he?

This is so f***ing stupid. We know some of us are gonna die, let’s take a surgeon because it’s definitely gonna happen.

I mean. Hide up in some trees. Hunt a leprechaun or some sh** instead.

We lost three men, but WE GOT PIG MEAT!

Shinty is WHAT

OH let’s play some street hockey.

He’s gonna play with Jamie? Why?

OMG. Ouch, Doodle. Channel your aggression elsewhere.

[terrible Scottish accent] What’s fair mean?

Ever notice how Jamie spends most of his time on his back …. getting beat up?

Kick him in the nads. KICK HIM.



Oooo. That’s the turning point of the series right here.

Just broke the old man.

And the power structure CRUMBLES.

(giggles)

That guys’ holding his nuts.

Did you seem him?

Final scene

You know, they make it look like these guys are all hard ass like leaving at first light.

They aren’t.

Why is Jamie going? Is Dougal gonna try to kill him on the road?

Final thoughts

I don’t have any final thoughts.

Do people want to read my final thoughts?

No, honey. They really don’t.

Don’t forget to tweet us your own personal #blurtlander stuff during the show, and all week long. Y’all are hilarious.

This week on Talking Outlander we are doing a special SIGNED MOBY giveaway and a Pocket Jamie! All the details are here.