In an article titled "Is It Time To Let Moviegoers Send Texts During A Film?" that somehow is not simply the word "No," Deadline reports that one of the non-Hobbit-related hot topic discussions at this year's CinemaCon has been whether theater owners should address sagging attendance by loosening restrictions on cell phone use—which, no. They definitely should not. This conversation has been quite enlightening. And yet, much like the article, these discussions apparently somehow continued, with panel members articulating dissenting opinions and then appearing to consider them thoughtfully in front of an audience for an amount of time that no one involved will ever get back.


Among those who participated in a debate only slightly less unnecessary than asking "Is It Time For All Puppies To Be Set On Fire?" was Regal Entertainment CEO Amy Miles, who characterized the supposed argument as "trying to figure out if there’s something you can offer in the theater that I would not find appealing but my 18-year-old son might," thus confirming our long-suspected belief that Amy Miles' son is an asshole. Please do not attend any movies in our city, Amy Miles' son. IMAX's Greg Foster also had something desperate to say, adding that teenagers have "become accustomed to controlling their own existence," and that taking away their precious cell phones for two hours is thus a fascist maneuver that makes them "feel a little handcuffed" —apparently believing that this sense of entitlement is something to be marketed to rather than decried and doused in the interest of nurturing functional adults and sustaining civilization, if only for the running time of 21 Jump Street.

Fortunately their craven surrender was answered by the Alamo Drafthouse's Tim League, whose stance on texting and other thoughtlessly selfish distractions has been made abundantly clear, and who once again proclaimed, " Over my dead body will I introduce texting into the movie theater… That is the scourge of our industry….It’s our job to understand that this is a sacred space and we have to teach manners." Despite not having to say another word, League concluded that going to the movies should be "magical," to which Amy Miles retorted, "One person’s opinion of magical isn’t the other’s," because hers is a sad and resigned existence indeed. And, you know, it's much like one person's search for logical fixes for decreased interest in the theater experience is sometimes another's cue to give up and suggest pandering to the exact behavior that's all but made the experience unappealing in the first place. "Abracadabra," and so forth. Anyway, no. No is the answer to the question.