Let's review the facts. Before Manchester United's match against my Chelsea team on the 5th of May, Sir Alex Ferguson wrote in the matchday program, "I certainly don't have any plans at the moment to walk away." Then I beat him 1-0 and David Luiz laughed at him. This was the second time I beat his team this season. Clearly Mr. Ferguson finally realized that I am the better manager and felt he had no other choice but to go against his word and retire in shame. This is a fact.

His decision also comes after I was named Premier League Manager of the Month for April 2013. Not "Interim" Manager of the Month. Just Manager of the Month. Because that is what I am. Mr. Ferguson has not won this award since October 2012. Even Brian McDermott has won it since then and Reading are getting relegated. Ouchfact.

I also knocked Manchester United out of the FA Cup and got Chelsea into the Europa League final using only my superior tactics and ring of mouth hair. Mr. Ferguson could not even get Man United into the Europa League because he knows I am the lizard king of second-tier European competitions and he would just lose to me yet again. Intimidationfact.

Now that Mr. Ferguson has run away from me, scared and with a broken hip because I figuratively sat on him all season, and The Stupid One is going to take credit for the team I have built at Chelsea next season, there is only one next step. I will volunteer to become manager of Manchester United. I have already proven that I have the shamelessness necessary to work for a rival of my beloved Liverpool and a club that does not respect me, so that is not a problem. And since I was the last man to beat Mr. Ferguson, it is like I am Dorothy and my house landed on the the Wicked Witch of the East, so I get to wear her ruby slippers. Shoefact.

While I finish planning my Fergie-Free Fiesta and making arrangements to destroy all references to him at Man United before I arrive, I will leave Mr. Ferguson with one final thought before he hobbles into the cruel abyss of retirement: Marco Materazzi is a liar. ClimacticFact!