HI. My first Easter wasn’t a barrel of laughs, but nowadays there are lots of things you can do without nailing anyone to a cross. Here’s my guide to a torture-free Easter.

Don’t crucify anyone

Easter can still be fun without brutal Roman punishments. Visiting relatives can be annoying, but resist the temptation to nail Uncle Geoff to a cross, however much he drones on about Brexit.

For fuck’s sake don’t take responsibility for mankind’s sins

Looking back, agreeing to die for mankind’s sins was a mistake. A slow, painful death puts a real downer on the bank holiday weekend, especially when there are so many other things to do. Have a mini-break in Paris instead.

Hold a garden party

Weather permitting, invite friends over for outdoor food and drinks. Pimms, prosecco and cocktails are all great summer thirst-quenchers, and much nicer than vinegar in a sponge on the end of a stick.

Don’t upset the Roman authorities

It’s unlikely you’re under the jurisdiction of the Romans if you live in, say, Crewe, but even so keep an eye out for soldiers coming to arrest you. With hindsight I should probably have legged it and opened a bar on the Costa Del Sol.

Organise an Easter egg hunt

Great fun for the kids. It requires a bit of effort, but not as much as dragging a massive cross up a hill, which I still feel was a fucking liberty considering I was the one getting nailed to it.

Have a family day out

Many National Trust sites and theme parks offer Easter discounts. This year I’m taking the whole family to Thorpe Park - me, God, Mary, my stepdad Joseph and that weird guy the Holy Ghost. We're not really sure who he is, to be honest.