Eschewing the traditional promotional blueprint for a tentpole movie, Paramount has just released five simultaneous teasers for its 2017 Ghost in the Shell adaptation. Between 10 and 15 seconds in length, each teaser offers a new and tantalising morsel of information about what the film has in store.

Which is all well and good, but in this fast-paced modern age where snapchats and emojis are constantly vying for your attention, who has time to sit through all five? After all, that’s 55 seconds that could be better spent composing a funny tweet about the Great British Bake Off, or Instagramming a photo of a dog in a pot. So, to save everyone a lot of time and effort, I’ve decided to rank each new Ghost in the Shell teaser in order of entertainment, starting with the worst and working upwards. As ever, you are welcome.

1. Aramaki

Well this is just terrible. A man who looks like a witness protection Colonel Sanders shoots something once, then dumps the shells on the street. What’s the point? He could be shooting anything. It might be a rival, or a vagrant, or a dog, or a meal he doesn’t like the look of. This teaser would be much improved if the guy had turned to camera and carefully contextualised the moment for us, explaining who he is and why he just shot a meal in full view of the public. Obviously all food is disgusting and deserves to be massacred in the street by a stranger, but a little hint here or there wouldn’t hurt.



2. Silhouette

On the plus side, this teaser gives us our first glimpse of Scarlett Johansson looking all mean and intense. However, it is ruined by the following shot, where she intrudes on some sort of Bald Men Looking at Wires convention. Male pattern baldness can cause tremendous psychological trauma, and those afflicted should be allowed to look at wires in peace. Compromising the security of their safe space with gun-toting women will cause them no end of pain, and Paramount should be ashamed of itself.

3. Unplug

Scarlett Johansson unplugs a wire from the back of her neck. This is either a heavy-handed allegory for the importance of “me-time” and “disconnecting from the web”, or she’s realised that she can no longer enjoy the sensation of plugging wires into her body, because she now forever equates them with the sight of disgusting bald men in a circle.

4. What

In this teaser, Scarlett Johansson strokes the face of a bald lady, and the bald lady says “What are you?” Although I have never heard of Ghost in the Shell and don’t know what it is, I have reason to believe that they’re about to kiss. Johansson is clearly working through the complicated feelings she has towards baldness, in the vain hope that she can somehow renew her love affair with wires. It is a moment we can all identify with.

5. Geisha Hallway

Finally, this is Paramount giving us what we all want: brief footage of a woman in a mask slowly walking down a corridor. None of this nonsense about baldness or wires, or people shooting their dinner. Just a woman walking down a corridor. I hope the whole film is like this.