To whomever serves as Sir Alex Ferguson's chief minion at Manchester United,

At the request of Xavi, apostle of proper pitch saturation, I am writing to you with a very clear and very stern message. Cesc Fabregas is most definitely not for sale. This is a non-negotiable statement of fact and not in any way a winking encouragement to bid higher. We are keenly aware that you have made your desire to sign Cesc very public in recent weeks, but we respectfully ask that you stop it right now, you smelly English idiots (Xavi's exact words).

Xavi knows you have similarly declared that Wayne Rooney isn't for sale, only for Chelsea to brazenly continue their pursuit. But he warns that disobeying another, far more important club's own statement of keeps is no way for your new manager to try and prove that he can run with football's majestic ponies. It will only make him look weak and dim-witted like Harry Redknapp in a tax evasion trial. If you must persist with a sad and futile high-profile transfer pursuit this summer, just keep going after Cristiano Ronaldo.

Xavi would also like to remind you that we are not Arsenal. You cannot just take our players when you choose and then laugh when you win titles with them. We've done this ourselves many times, so we know that game quite well. In addition, it is well known that Cesc has Barca DNA. Xavi says that as someone smart enough to be a doctor, he assures you that selling Cesc Fabregas is a biological impossibility. All modern science supports this, so don't question it.

So, again, to satisfy Xavi's numerous and admittedly rather grating requests, I am sending you this letter. To be perfectly honest, I, Barcelona president Sandro Rosell, don't really care if Cesc stays or goes. Leo Messi and Neymar will score so many goals this season that we could probably just play the two of them and cantaloupe wearing goalkeeper's gloves and win every match 17-3. But Xavi took a solemn vow while sitting poolside in Ibiza that he would forever ensure that Francesc Fabregas does not suffer. And he is certain that joining Manchester United would be a one-way ticket to Suffer Town. He says he only had to look into the endlessly contorted face of Phil Jones to know for sure.

This would devastate Xavi and could prove mildly inconvenient to Cesc himself. It would also make Gerard Pique very sad and he would probably start bleeding for no reason. No one wants that. It is for these reasons that Xavi says we must not sell Cesc Fabregas.

Thank you in advance for adhering to these instructions. We look forward to your offer of €50 million.

Sandro Rosell

President of Xavi's Football Heaven and Doll Clothing Emporium