EDWARDSVILLE, IL – Markets reacted positively today (S&P +6.7%) to the announcement that Joe’s Pizza & Pasta in Edwardsville had tested a potential coronavirus cure. In a rigorous study modeled after Remdesivir producer Gilead (GILD), Joe’s Pizza delivered five-cheese pizzas to seven coronavirus patients. Six of seven reported “feeling much better,” and one preferred Hawaiian pizza. Upon the release of the news, the volume of online orders for Joe’s jumped over 200%. Although SEC regulators have expressed interest in suspicious order patterns prior to the study’s publication, including several thousand pizzas expiring today, charges have not yet been filed. In a call with Joe’s, President Trump questioned if disinfectant could be injected directly into the pizza crust.

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