Do you know what the best part of Thanksgiving is? The bastardization and whitewashing of a particularly racist and violent part of our history? No, silly. It’s the really stiff drink that you have at the end of the festivities that makes you care a lot less that your brother’s husband cheers for the Steelers and you’re a Browns fan, or that your mother has become a conservative republican seemingly overnight.

An Apple A Day Keeps The In-laws Away.

1.5 oz Cognac (VSOP preferred)

.5 oz cointreau

.5 oz cinnamon schnapps

1.5 oz apple cider

Shake over ice and serve neat with a slice of apple and a cinnamon sugar rim.

If all else fails, you can always sneak out for a run feigning illness and needing air. At about mile 459837469374, turn around and come back; they should be gone. Also, you could have listened to pretty much all of “Hunger Games” on audible. I don’t suggest running through all of it. Crying, heaving, chest sobs are not conducive to an 8 minute mile.

Tonight, when I was out getting my fit on, I was once again listening to “Hunger Games” (don’t judge, I need to peruse audible) and just at the SADDEST PART OF THE WHOLE FRIGGEN BOOK starts up, I am in a crowd full of people under a train station.

I picture horses running through Times Sq and peeing on overpriced hamburgers; Unicorns with saddles talking to me in a voice that is not unlike the Frugal Gourmet; a fountain that spews nothing but money and my favorite flavor of jelly beans; nothing works. I start crying. Then it hits me. Hellloooooo, PMS.

I proceed to go into the Eastern European market and buy about eleventeen packages of berry tea and crackers. PMS can bite me.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving beverage?

Favorite PMS remedy? (if you’re a lady!!)

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