Okay so I’m really upset. Earlier this morning I was casually browsing Facebook, liking statuses, uploading a few selfies and empowering classy, strong women by leaving comments on their pictures, (I got like tons of compliments back without even asking for one #littlemisspopular). Anyway, I was stopped in my tracks when I came across this horrid image that my friend Holly had shared to her page. It was a picture from an equally horrid Facebook page called ‘Bodybuilders Against Tipping”, that showed a short, frog-like man flexing his muscles with a caption saying something like “#notipscrew” and “servers don’t deserve tips, they’re only carrying plates.” EXCUSE ME!? WOW…Just Wow.

I was of course outraged, some of my best friends are servers and the they’re treated like today’s equivalent of fucking cotton-picking slaves from before the Civil Rights War! In fact I’d say they’re treated far worse than the black slaves in some respects — at least the blacks got to be outside and get a sweet tan. How dare these small testicled, balloon animals question servers rights to be plenty awarded for their labor?

I did what anyone would do, I left an angry comment, calling this juiced up douche brigade out, demanding they take the page down. The bastards didn’t even respond, instead they posted a video of a man called Myrone Pegs, who was claiming to have a PhD from Stanford, telling the camera that he’s done extensive research on why not tipping benefits your mental health. WTF???? As a feminist, I recognize that science is simply a tool of the patriarchy, used to try to disprove feminist theory. Try again dudebros. Try A fucking GAIN

Anyway, this all got me thinking about, like, how much servers totally deserve tips (it’s even in the name, serve = deserve) and that they’re justified in using any method necessary to get them.

Servers are mostly female. This should be reason enough to shower them with money, but I’m sure you fucking evil Patriarchs need a little more convincing.They’re strong, independent women with excellent resumes and qualifications and have passed a long screening tests to get the prestigious job. They’re working their butts off every night, just trying to make meets end. Most are also very ambitious and shoot for the stars in the halls of Academia, the halls of Olive Garden being a mere stepping stone to their dream jobs. Servers are truly the Elite. They are the very zenith of human existence. If Swedish House Mafia’s’ Steve Angellos ancestor, Michael Angello, were alive today, I’m sure he would would have painted great works of art featuring servers. “Servers Chapel Ceiling” and “The Tipping of Adam” would be just the tip of the iceberg.

Servers belong in the upper echelons of society, their grace, amazing sense of balance, their ability to remember table numbers, their intelligence, creativity and perhaps most of all their perseverance, should be praised, nay, worshipped by society. But what do some people do? They treat them like dirt, like bugs under their shoes, by tipping them less than 20% or even, (the thought of it makes me sick), not tipping them at all.

Most servers are only getting between 20 and 30 cents an hour! Nobody can live on that kind of money. NOBODY. So when you hold your wallet tightly you are literally withholding essentials, such as food, shelter and iPhone 5s’s from these poor servers! You think you have it hard? Try carrying two or three plates every night while simultaneously remembering numbers of tables. The phrase “It’s not exactly rocket science” should be changed to “It’s not exactly serving”, I want legislations on this, because it surely falls under the anti-discrimination act or whatever. Rocket scientists have been getting far too much cred in recent decades, it’s time for servers to step into the light and dance in glory, a glory steeped in foody fumes.

Moreover, all servers are doing our country a HUUGE favor. They’re fighting daily battles on the home turf, and unlike their military counterparts, their weapons are not dangerous, evil, guns, but tolerant, knives, forks and plates. Servers give people food. Humans can’t survive without food. Servers are saving lives daily. You know who else saved people’s lives? God. Servers are literally Gods. So, where the FUCK are their medals of honor? HUH? Our imperialist US soldiers are celebrated for their “bravery” when they kill millions of women every year in the Afghanistan, and servers, who literally give people life, get spat on? LOGIC ANYONE!? I say we introduce a national Servers History Month to make up for our horrific treatment of the server classes throughout history.

You know what? Servers are justified in spitting in your food. In fact they’re justified in shitting in your food and in relieving themselves sexually into your food if you don’t tip. Period. My best friend Mae Bae Lynn, who’s a strong, sexy server, put, like, a used tampon in the food of some greedy non-server and I was like “You Go Girl”. This kind of behavior needs to be encouraged. Kitchen Gorilla warfare is the only way to stop the greedy Patriarchs, until we get help from above.

It doesn’t matter whether the server was rude or nice to you, they’re entitled to your tips for doing their duty for their country. There’s nothing you can say about this, it’s in the constitution.

I propose that tipping becomes a legal issue, the Government is, afterall, there to make wrongthinkers realize the evil of their ways and get them to do the good things and become rightthinkers. I want to see, mandatory, 20%, 30% or even 50% percent tipping, and a several year imprisonment punishment if this law is not followed. This is the least that can be done to reimburse these, plate-bearing pillars of society for the evils we have done unto them in the past.

If you can’t afford to tip. EAT. AT. HOME. In fact don’t eat at all. Go starve and die.

The injustice must end. Help me end it, tweet under #UgotServedbyAnneGus