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A book sits on our shelf in our home: Helen Andelin’s infamous tome on marital manipulation, Fascinating Womanhood. The book details for women how to get a man (if they don’t have one) and how to control the one that they do have. It includes helpful tips such as dressing and acting in a childish manner, nonsensically flattering your husband’s superiority [intellect, strength, driving skills, etc.], and deliberately playing dumb, even sabotaging household items for your husband to fix, so that your husband can feel proud of his manliness. It also condones marital rape and domestic violence.

This book made quite a splash in the church in the 1970s and 80s as women were either outraged or thrilled by its effectiveness. Amazon reviews today are no different, that range from the ebullient to the effluvient.

5 stars!

“Besides the Bible, this is the most life-changing book I have ever read!” [1] “I am a Christian. This book restored life to my marriage. I was concerned that the author is Mormon. I asked my husband if he saw anything wrong with the book as I was practicing it. He has not read it. He has been so pleased with the new me that he describes the book as “speaking the truth in love”.”

1 star :(

“Her ideas encourage women, already weak in this area, to make men the center of their world, vision, mind – to replace God with their husband. It is commendable to remember we, as Christians, are called to serve one another – thus a wife is to serve her husband. But this book encourages an unhealthy obsession with the husband, in turn encouraging the husband to developed an unhealthy pride and self-centeredness. I also objected to the advice that encouraged woman to ignore bad behavior or questionable morals in the husband.” “I’m a stay-at-home wife from a conservative background and I still found this book to be horrid. It mouths the spirit of this age that says the domination of women is normal. I found The Surrendered Wife to be a way better book.” [2]

In the spirit of this book, I thought it would be helpful to create a list of tips for those who wish to advance in the priesthood. What’s holding you back from moving up the ranks of leadership? Here are some things you need to do if you want to climb that Priesthood ladder.

Amateur Level

You’ve got to not want it. Desperation is an unattractive cologne. Don’t do anything that sounds even vaguely like campaigning. Don’t give any concession speeches in fast & testimony meeting. Bear your testimony. Nobody wants a rogue in leadership. You should be comfortable enough bearing your testimony extemporaneously that they won’t worry you’ll be at a loss for words whenever they call upon you to do so in the myriad meetings that are your chosen future ecclesiastical career path. Don’t be afraid to cry, but don’t make a career out of it either. Well up enough to be seen as spiritual, but not so much that you make others uncomfortable. If you experience grief or sadness, go away until it gets better. Have a firm handshake. A firm handshake says “I’m comfortable greeting other men in a business-like fashion. I have confidence.” It probably also says “I’m an RM.” Don’t wear white socks. You’re embarrassing yourself. Make enough money. You don’t have to be Mitt Romney (although obviously that doesn’t hurt), but you have to be wealthy enough that your eyes won’t bug out when you see tithing figures, making the wealthier members of the ward uncomfortable.

Intermediate Level

Never contradict those above you in the hierarchy. But don’t be a total kiss up either. You want to make them think you are smart and that you think they are smart, smarter than you. Then it’s flattering for you to agree with them. If you come across as too much dumber than they are, your praise is devalued. Getting the smart/dumb balance correct is critical. Have a hot wife, but not too hot. She should be reasonably attractive and fit, but she shouldn’t make people tongue-tied. [3] Quote hierarchy freely. You’ll send the subtle message that you are a company man, but also that you listen to what your leaders say. Don’t get pigeonholed as a “doer.” Elders Quorum is for doing. You want to skip right past that to sleeping on the stand.

Advanced Level

Protect your superiors from experiencing the feeling of being wrong. Good subordinates make things easier for their bosses. Rocking the boat, steadying the ark, and being the smartest person in the room are unsettling qualities, and feeling unsettled is of Satan. It’s who you know. We wouldn’t tell stories about the relatively unknown person getting called as bishop if it weren’t such a rarity. The reality is that you’ll be called into leadership when someone you know is making the callings. This is how they keep their risk to a minimum. Be their product. Leaders love nothing more than elevating one of their own. If your conversion is in any way influenced by those above you, they will eat that up with a spoon and reward you with increased responsibility which has the benefit of making them feel influential. The worth of souls is great after all. Make benevolently sexist comments. This shows that you preside, but not to the extent of being abusive or disrespected by your wife and children. Joke about how your wife is really the boss so people see that you aren’t sexist. Wink, wink.

If you follow these simple tips, putting your leaders ahead of you, submitting to their natural authority, you will improve your chances to be promoted in the priesthood. It may be unsavory, but it has a high probability of success.

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[1] Have you noticed that people who say the Bible is the most life-changing book they’ve ever read have invariably never read it?

[2] Nice that at least one of the reviews felt it was too empowering to women. Uppity wimminz.

[3] This one’s my priesthood career downfall. But given the alternative, I prefer my hot wife to more tedious church meetings.