You might not know how much I love makeup, because you never get to see my face on this blog. But I really, really do. I take great pleasure in femmifying my face each morning. It makes me feel awake, alert, foxy as fuck, and ready to face the day.

But makeup can be a problem in certain sexual contexts, particularly if, like me, you don’t tend to date people who also wear makeup. Femmes tend to understand and accept each other’s painted-face proclivities; dudes and butches, not as much. In fact, some of them get pissed if you dare to leave a lipstick mark on their face, collar, or dick.

Additionally, it ain’t cute to come up from a blowjob with red/pink/purple smeared all over your cheeks and chin. That’s a time when you should be basking in your sexual mastery, not frantically checking yourself out in the mirror when your partner starts laughing hysterically at your Picasso-lookin’ mug. (Not that this has happened to me, or anything…)

Incase you’re wondering, here’s the procedure I used to rigorously test these lipsticks for your oral sex usage: I applied each product normally (no fancy tricks to extend their wear-time), waited a couple minutes for the product to dry/set, snapped a “before” picture, spent about 5 minutes enthusiastically fellating my Tantus Mark O2 (it’s a fairly average size and shape for a dick; I had no real ones at my disposal!), and then took an “after” photo. In between lipsticks, I wiped the previous product off my mouth (and the dildo) with a makeup removal wipe before applying the next one.

All of these products claim to be long-wearing. Let’s see how they actually perform, shall we?

NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in “San Paulo” ($6 at drugstores), the cheapest product of the bunch, is a matte liquid lipstick that claims to be “surprisingly durable.” It’s usually pretty comfortable on the lips, but I do find it can get a bit drying after many hours of wear.

On the face: Happily, this didn’t smear outside of my lip area, but it did fade a little in the middle. Still definitely impressive, though.

On the dick: I found a leeeetle bit of pink on the underside of the dildo where it came into rough repeated contact with the inner part of my lower lip. It was hardly enough to be noticeable, however.

Overall: 8 out of 10. This product performs very commendably for its price point.

Maybelline SuperStay 14HR lipstick in “Enduring Ruby” ($9 at drugstores) is a traditional (i.e. non-liquid) lipstick formula that claims to last for 14 hours. It smells like cherries (mmm), applies smoothly, and wears very comfortably.

On the face: This stuff pretty much stayed put on my lips. The color was maybe a little faded, but it faded uniformly, not just in the middle – and there was no smearing or flaking.

On the dick: There was quiiiite a bit of red on the cock when I got done with it, especially around the head area.

Overall: 6 out of 10. I look fierce in this lipstick and it doesn’t move around once it’s on, but I’m not sure any future partners of mine would be cool with getting their dick so thoroughly rouged.

Stila Stay All Day liquid lipstick in “Beso” ($29 at Sephora) paradoxically claims to “stay all day” but also says it’s only meant to last up to 6 hours. (I dunno about you, but my days are typically longer than 6 hours!) It smells like vanilla cake batter, and is mostly comfortable but can feel drying after a couple of hours. When you first apply it, it’s a liquid, but then it dries to a matte finish (I find the drying process works best if I keep my mouth open while it dries, so my lips don’t touch).

On the face: The color didn’t fade or move, but the friction against my lips caused the product to look a bit dry and flaky by the time I was done. That might not matter to you if you’re just going to curl up next to your sweetie after the BJ, but if you’re going out right after, I’d recommend fixing it because the dryness is not a cute look and it feels weird on the lips.

On the dick: There was a small amount of red on both the head and the shaft of the cock.

Overall: 6.5 out of 10. This product performs okay, but for $29, I expect greatness. I also docked it half a point for being incredibly difficult to remove with a makeup wipe; I prefer to keep my lip irritation to a minimum, thanks!

Sephora Collection cream lip stain in “01 Always Red” ($16 at Sephora) is described as an “intense color that stays put.” It’s often considered a dupe for the Stila lipstick above, but I actually like the formula better than the Stila one; it applies more smoothly, dries more quickly, and feels like nothing on my lips.

On the face: It stayed exactly as I applied it: perfectly crisp and saturated. No smearing or fading whatsoever.

On the dick: There were a few flakes of red on the dildo, particularly around the sides of the shaft where the corners of my mouth rubbed. It was pretty clean for the most part though.

Overall: 9 out of 10! I’ve worn this lipstick on many a late-night adventure, often involving lots of drinks and/or greasy food, and it’s always performed great; I’m glad to see its magnificence transfers to blowjobs as well. And at only $16, it’s a steal compared to its high-end equivalents.

Make Up For Ever Aqua Rouge waterproof liquid lip color in “16 Fuchsia” ($29 at Sephora) is a liquid lipstick that claims to give “a waterproof, smudge-proof result that will not transfer or fade.” It’s double-ended: first you apply the lip color, then you apply the clear gloss on top to lock it in. (You can also just apply the lip color and skip the gloss, but I find it feels very drying this way.)

On the face: My lips were perhaps slightly less glossy after the BJ than they were when I started, but the difference was negligible. The lip color stayed perfectly in place.

On the dick: I could find no evidence whatsoever of pink on the dick. A small amount of the clear gloss may have transferred, but not to the point of making the dildo feel greasy. Plus the gloss doesn’t have any scent or taste so it won’t irritate whoever owns the dick you’re blowing.

Overall: 9.5 out of 10! I deducted half a point because the lip color takes what seems like forever to dry completely (about 3 minutes) and I have to leave my mouth hanging open that whole time for it to dry properly – and also because I don’t like the added annoyance of the two-step color/gloss process, even though it’s proven to aid longevity. But all things considered, Aqua Rouge is the best option of any of these products if you want your lipstick to really stay put during a blowjob.

And one bonus product pick: Lipcote is a lipstick sealer. It’s a clear, thin product you apply over any (blotted/non-glossy) lipstick to make it last longer. I wasn’t able to find it here in North America and ordered it from the UK for about $7.25. For the purposes of this post, I applied it over a lipstick that’s not meant to be long-wearing: Rimmel Kate Moss lipstick in shade “107.”

On the face: Everything basically stayed intact. There was a small amount of fading on the very inner edges of my lips.

On the dick: A fair bit of lipstick flaked off onto the sides and underside of the dildo.

Overall: 7 out of 10. Lipcote performs well but I hate how long it takes to dry, how sticky/tacky it makes my lips feel, and the fact that it gives my lips a stinging/burning sensation when I apply it. Not worth the trouble, if you ask me!

What’s your favorite long-wearing lipstick? Have you ever given oral sex while wearing it?