Let's get things straight about the origins of the Australian accent. Aussie-speak developed in the early days of colonial settlement from a cocktail of English, Irish, Aboriginal and German – before another mystery influence was slipped into the mix.

The Australian alphabet cocktail was spiked by alcohol. Our forefathers regularly got drunk together and through their frequent interactions unknowingly added an alcoholic slur to our national speech patterns. For the past two centuries, from generation to generation, drunken Aussie-speak continues to be taught by sober parents to their children.

We must reclaim rhetoric as an important fixture of Australian culture, teach it to all students in our schools and raise our standards of communication. Credit: iStock

The average Australian speaks to just two thirds capacity – with one third of our articulator muscles always sedentary as if lying on the couch; and that's just concerning articulation. Missing consonants can include missing "t"s (Impordant), "l"s (Austraya) and "s"s (yesh), while many of our vowels are lazily transformed into other vowels, especially "a"s to "e"s (stending) and "i"s (New South Wyles) and "i"s to "oi"s (noight).

Given that articulation is a functional product of our neuro-muscular network, it is possible that our national speech impediment is a symptom of inferior brain functioning. But this argument is countered by a significant set of cerebral people who think brilliantly but express poorly. Many scientists, for example, still struggle to communicate effectively. But thanks to a few key science communicators and contemporary initiatives such as 3MT, it is improving. Clearly the problem is not related to class – it's worse than that.