In the land of tall blonde Danes, you’ll also find pudgy bald mini-Danes. Danish babies, as they are more often called, do things a bit differently than what I’m used to back in Minnesota. You could call their techniques odd or cutting edge depending on how you look at it. All I know is that Danish babies play by their own rules and don’t take crap from any mom! Get ready. These mini-Danes are zero and soon to be your new hero

1) Feed Yourself, Woman

I love when people airplane food into my mouth. Danish babies? Not so much. They like to take control of their cutlery early on. Starting around six or seven months, parents give the child an extra spoon to help out while being fed. By 12 months, Danish babies, or should I call them “Spoon Ninjas,” can control their tiny hands to basically feed themselves with little help from mom and dad. Since I haven’t brought life into this world yet, I have no clue what age American babies handle silverware. Heck, I don’t even have a firm grasp on silverware usage yet as we learned in Berlin. But according to the internet, children typically are pretty good at utensil usage by 17 or 18 months. Well-played, Danish babies. Well-played.

2) It’s A Bird…It’s A Plane…It’s A Danish Baby

Freakishly early cutlery use comes with consequences – a mess. To combat the dripping and the dropping, Danish babies are dressed like colorful superheroes during mealtime. Instead of the traditional bib, a full-body bib is the high-chair fashion of choice. Only the area below the knees is exposed to the elements. The perfect all in one super suit for fighting flying peas and bad guys!

3) They See Me Rollin’, They Hatin’

I’m a working woman. Have been for three years. Yet somehow, every Danish baby has a better mode of transportation than me. As I’m cruising in my ‘04 Saturn with two safety recalls under its belt, Danish babies ride in mini-mansions on four wheels. A barnevogn, a child wagon in English, is an elegantly massive pram. If you’re any baby who’s any baby, you need to be seen in a pram. They are high-tech, waterproof, and laden with feather blankets and class. When you see a mom heading for you on the metro, you best move to another car or you’ll get pram jammed in the corner and miss your stop. The size is no joke and neither is the price.

4) You Can’t Sit With Us

Like Regina George, Danish parents often tell their sweet, precious babies, “You can’t sit with us.” When parents stop for a coffee, meet friends for lunch, or stroll through a boutique, the baby stays outside on the curb. I’ve passed corners jammed with prams holding tiny humans inside. No adults around. This would be shocking in the US. In fact, a Danish woman was arrested in New York for leaving her baby on the curb. But it’s not shocking in Denmark. It’s the norm. Nobody steals babies here. Denmark does not have crime like we have in the USA. It’s like an actual healthy functioning society. I’d so leave my baby outside in Copenhagen. Especially if she doesn’t wear pink on Wednesdays.

5) V is for Viking Nap Time

American babies are so needy. At nap time, they demand to be laid gently inside their comfy cribs in their cozy rooms with music softly playing in the background. Danish babies on the other hand DGAF about baby Mozart. As soon as a baby has regained her birth weight, it’s time for the little lungs to get a healthy dose of fresh air. Babies get strapped into their prams with a special seat belt vest and an adorable sleeping bag suit, and then they get parked outside the house to slumber. The only times they don’t nap outside are when it’s unbearably humid and hot, and—wait for it—when the temp dips below -10°C. That’s 14°F. They are Vikings, after all. Parents, of course, keep a watchful eye on their babies and often tuck a baby monitor inside the pram, but other than that, the babes are on their own to dream in the great outdoors.

6) Niels, Morten, Carl, and Niels

Gwyneth Paltrow would not like Denmark. Under the Law on Personal Names, Danes must pick their child’s first name from an approved list. You can apply to have a new name approved, but the name must indicate gender, cannot be a last name, and will most likely get rejected if the spelling is too unique. So if you were thinking of going with Diva Muffin or Petal Blossom Rainbow, both actual celebrity baby names, you’re out of luck. Fun fact: The Hanny Pack barely made the cut over Diva Muffin for the blog name.

7) Croc-less Paternity Leaves

When I grow up, I want to be a Danish dad. They have effortlessly coiffed hair, can somehow pull off the jean on jean look, and would never ever dream of wearing socks with sandals. Best of all, I always spot them sharing an ice cream cone, wandering along the waterfront, or biking the streets of Copenhagen with their little ones. I know American dads spend quality times with their kids, but I have never seen so many dads alone with their babies. No moms in sight. I think this has to do with the crazy awesome parental leave in Denmark, an area that America has some serious catching up to do. Moms are able to take four weeks off before the baby is born and then 14 weeks afterwards. During those first 14 weeks, the father can also take two weeks off. Then, the mother and father can split the next 32 weeks of paid leave from work, or in other words, so much more one-on-one time with Croc-less, cargo short-less, Danish dads.

8) And They Did Not Live Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, the Little Mermaid was tortured by oysters and had to spend 300 years in a purgatory situation. Cute! This is the original tale of the Little Mermaid written by the famous Danish children’s author, Hans Christian Andersen. No singing crabs from Jamaica, no whozits and whatzits, and definitely no happy endings. Danish children don’t grow up with the Disneyfied version. They get the real deal, hardcore H.C Andersen bedtime stories. Danish society, or what I have witnessed from Danish society at least, believes that children should learn empathy and be exposed to life’s toughest situation right from the womb. This means tucking into tales of suffering, struggles, and overall crappy situations, because like it or not, we don’t always get the Prince in the end.

What say you American babies? Are you ready to swap your risqué bibs for a modest full-coverage version, ditch the completely unnecessary addition of consonants in names (looking at you, Jonnathann), and ride around in strollers fit for royalty? I vote yes!

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