The Next Waves Of Feminism

Fourth wave – All regular women will become Catwomen. All Catwomen will become twenty feet tall and perch upon thrones of pearl and of onyx. All cats will gain the ability to laugh like humans, but not to speak.

Fifth wave – The same as the fourth wave, but all Goombas are replaced by Buzzy Beetles, and all enemies walk faster; all of the elevator-style lifts are about sixty-percent of their original size, while Firebars appear in all possible locations

Sixth wave – Straight cis men will have evolved into a Morlock-like species of sled dog that lead sleighs loaded down with ice queens in fur capes across a frozen landscape. There will be forty-seven new genders, one of which is capable of breathing fire. None of them will be able to agree upon whether or not Game of Thrones was feminist.

Seventh wave – The seventh wave of feminism will take place in a dimension catty-corner to our own, and we will not notice it, except for two junior staffers at the Large Hadron Collider.

Eighth wave – Dance-off.

Ninth wave – Every feminist from the second wave will rise reanimated from the grave and terrorize the living. Millions will perish.

Tenth wave – One of the Seven Worthies will wield the sword of the King Under The Mountain, waking Andrea Dworkin from her dreamless sleep beneath the Sunless Sea.

Eleventh wave – Remember those massive, eternal, Olympus-sized waves on the black-hole planet on Interstellar that killed the astronaut who was also the bearded guy in the Hunger Games? Like that.