Do you ever find yourself looking out your window to make sure your neighbors aren’t outside before taking out your trash? I do. It’s rather sad. I guess I’m too nice of a guy to straight up tell them to F off. Maybe to avoid the every day awkwardness that would surely follow. But so far my wife and I are doing pretty good at dealing with them. Anyways, here’s my neighbors in a nutshell. We haven’t lived here long, my wife found the place while I was deployed in Afghanistan. Within the first couple weeks, our next door neighbor is asking my wife for money. Welcome to the neighborhood, hey can I borrow 40 bucks? The husband and wife I’d say, hmm, high thirties, early forties. The wife is unemployed, has about 3 teeth in her entire mouth, I try to get a tooth count during every conversation. Her wardrobe consists of clothes a teenage girl would be wearing, a torn stretched out Ed Hardy t-shirt for example, her muffin top spilling out from all angles. Frumpy is a good word to describe her. Always a couple grease stains on her. She has a southern “twang” to her voice, and she loves to talk. Her toes are usually covered in a disgusting unknown black residue. She’s outside of her house 80% of the day, walking up and down the street, screaming at her kids, or asking a neighbor to borrow something. ie: phone, a beer, money, my Lord of the Rings dvd, (which I never saw again) even water. She is the ring leader, always has the inside scoop on what’s going on in the neigborhood, “He’s a drug dealer,” “I asked to use her phone, she said no, she’s a bitch,” etc. The husband isn’t as bad, keeps to himself. But is definitely sketchy. One day I was grilling some steaks out back, all the kids were playing in the backyard. One of the neighborhood kids thought it would be funny to throw a large piece of wood at his sons’ face. It was very funny indeed, but the husband flipped out, at one point I thought he was going to hit this 5 year old boy. Cursing at him until the kid finally made a run for it. There’s other sketchy things you’ll soon discover. He’s retired army, works at a car dealership and really isn’t that bad, usually pretty quiet and just seems numb. But I guess if I had to live with that lady, I just wouldn’t give a shit about anything either. The kids are something else. Just wild, Lord of the Flies wild. As soon as you pull up in “your” driveway, bam, there they are. Pretty much opening your door for you. Asking you where you were and what you’re doing next. They absolutely love to play in our yard, I am usually greeted after work by random toys strewn across our driveway and yard. They have two girls and a boy. The oldest is 16 , from a previous relationship, and hardly ever home. The two youngest ones are the bane of my existence. One is 12 years old but looks like she’s 6. Very frail and skinny, I actually feel bad for her. Her mother says she’s a “special needs” child. And I personally think her mother just says that and takes advantage of it. She says she’s allergic to grass, yet I see her and her brother rolling around in it every day. But we’ll get into that later. Then there’s the boy. My god, the most annoying child in all the lands. Constantly talking. Look at me, watch this, look at me, etc. I’m rinsing my car off, there he is on the other side putting soap back on it. I would never roundhouse kick a child. But the thought has passed my mind several times. It amazes me because this is a nice neighborhood. In a gated community, nice big lake. And our neighbor just so happens to be that one super shitty neighbor. Who’s power and water is constantly being shut off cause they can’t pay their bills. While the wife sits home all day and constantly annoys her neighbors when she could be working at Wendy’s or something. Anyways, I’m going to catch you up on my bad neighbors and the things we deal with on a daily basis. I hope you enjoy!