Every September, the fashion industry dolls out style missives in glossy lead tomes a la Moses. The September issues define style- or lack thereof, with the steely pep of a sorority recruitment chair. The fashion industry decides to fuck with you by recommending hideous accouterments each fall, usually in homage to an already overdone epoch. This year, that decade is the ’70s, even though we’re still enjoying ’90s nostalgia. Why? Maybe because the ’90s was a decade obsessed with rejecting materialism and raiding thrift stores. Not retail friendly.

“Whats wrong with the ’70s?” you ask. Well, while no one regrets missing out on quaaludes and lax airport security more than I do, flares are a foe to any girl under 5’8. Disco suits are more doable, and the prospect of disco suits as the most wearable Fall trend should freak you the fuck out.

If trends are so sus, why heed trends at all? Why bother with what’s in and what’s out? Why not just buy a selection of stain-resistant khakis and off-brand polo shirts, hide your greasy hair in a crumpled bandana, shove your yellowing toenails into open-toed orthopedic sandals and go forth, unfettered by effort or consideration. Why try at anything, really?

Because we have to look at you. Because, like it or not, as a minority you represent that minority. BECAUSE I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FRUMPY LESBIAN JOKES. Because once, just once, I would like to beat my gay men friends (who I adore in an uncompetitive, supportive, LGBT way) AT THEIR OWN GAME: aesthetics. Because lesbians started andro and we should own it. We are the original body positive, gender-bending pioneers. Queers are what mainstream fashion wants to look like. Don’t let them do you better than you do yourself because “I don’t really care about clothes.”

Fashion is more than clothes. It’s how you present yourself to the world, how you choose to implement art and identity into everyday attire. Fashion is the rare industry or sole artistic domain created by and for women, and thus fashion is considered inferior and idiotic. Sure, flip through a September issue, and you will see a lot of hideous, overpriced crap you could never wear or afford; but that’s just a sliver of the styles.

I am going to do what no magazine will do. I am going to tell you how to cheaply remain a la mode with September 2015’s aggressive ’70s revival without slipping into fashion victimhood or repelling other lesbians. I am going to push you to try a new cut or color and find the joy in dressing. I am going to make lesbians not boring if it kills us all. Here are five fall trends you can work damn well.

Five Fall Trends to Try

Militant Nun Kicks

Be still my beating heart: sensible footwear is back. Throughout my early 20s, I jammed my delicate footsies into stacked heels and clunked wearily through LA nightlife, gritting my teeth with the (false) certainty that excruciating pain is sexy. Then I had a life-altering realization: height does not equal appeal. This doesn’t give me (or you) carte blanche to wear flip flops into a bar; that is a shooting offense. Yet, there is a happy medium between style and comfort resting in two of fall 2015’s biggest shoe trends: the heeled loafer and chunky black motorcycle boots.

Shoes: Jeffrey Campbell Sayer Leather Loafers

Rule Brittania



Tweed, tartan, and houndstooth are fashion’s equivalent of a brisk Fall day in the English Countryside. Work these prints and fabrics into androgynous menswear or a high waisted mini skirt with hardware details. Very lesbian goes to Downton in the best possible way.

Jacket: The Hepburn Blazer by Wildfang

Statement T-Shirts

Resting bitch face isn’t the only way to exude attitude. I love the cooler than thou statement T-shirts regularly making rounds on tumblr on Instagram. When shopping for an ironic tee, avoid the braggart slogans or fan girl cliches for a unique, meme-worthy statement.

Top: Etsy

High-waisted everything

Along with high mortality rates among gifted 27-year-olds, high-waisted pants are that rare similarity between the ’70s and ’90s. High-waisted jeans, skirts, and pants are universally figure flattering. Why? Because a high waisted sellout cinches any figure into an enviable hourglass.

Jeans: H&M

Animated Accents

A shriveled part of my even more shriveled soul longs for accessories that are literally precious. Instead of burying that desire along with the bodies, I choose to express them through fashion. Itsy bitsy bits of fashion. Anyone can do all black, but only you can do all black with minute homages to your favorite ’90s cartoon or snarky saying.

Necklace: Etsy

Five Fall Trends To Reject

Corduroy

Are you a bear? Are you an adorable stuffed bear sold at now defunct FAO Schwartz to a scrappy beggar child with twinkling eyes who catches the eye of a cynical millionaire and teaches him the meaning of love? No? Then don’t wear fucking corduroy.

Long Denim Skirts

I flipped open September’s Elle to find a page dedicated to three-quarter length, faded monstrosities not seen since middle school in North Florida, the sweltering hellhole that spawned me. Rihanna was used as an example. PSA: Stop using Rihanna to cite the wearability of a trend. What Rihanna can pull off has nothing to do with what you can pull off. Mid-thigh to calf-length denim skirts make the short look shorter and the tall look wider. They flatten your ass and chop up your silhouette.

Flares

So help me God, if you play a part in the resurgence of bellbottoms I will put you on trial for crimes against humanity faster than you can say “Nuremberg.”

Patchwork

Leave patchwork with Cher and my worst middle school memories. This trend will be over before you can select the least hideous faux boho item.

Paisley

Paisley looks like bacteria or sperm or bacteria-laden sperm. When you wear paisley, you cover yourself in bacteria. That’s all.



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