So for those who aren’t avid AMSTS readers, I work in Berlin. This is despite my lack of German language skills and complete unwillingness to become culturally aware of my surroundings. In short: I am a TRUE AMERICAN. And as a TRUE AMERICAN, I take the opportunity to annually subject my employees to participating in what I have called THE OFFICIAL EUROBRACKET.

While a majority of my team has seen a basketball game, all but one have assured me that they have never seen an NCAA basketball game in their life. Because of that, the brackets are guaranteed hilarity. Most select based on “places they have heard of” or “places I’ve visited” but there were also a few that used coin flips to decide important (not all) matchups. So, armed with a bracket and a snippet of the Wikipedia page where I give the statistics about upset percentages, I let my team loose to select their bracket. Last year was amazing. This year is even better.

First off, we have Jens. Technically not on my team, I can’t tell you much about him beyond he seems to be the biggest sports fan in the office and he actually took a half day off from work after the Super Bowl. Good man, that Jens. One of the few Germans in the German-based company, he seems to be one of the favorites. Let’s take a look at his bracket:

Chalk. German as could be. Germans love to play these things conservatively. Last year, the only German participant pretty much went chalk and took second place (behind yours truly, naturally ). Unfortunately for Jens, he doesn’t realize that Oregon is hot garbage and shouldn’t be a 1 seed (sorry Oregon fans, that’s harsh but true). Pretty much the safe picks across the board, the biggest upset is Fresno State over Utah, then Gonzaga making the Sweet 16. This is not a terrible bracket at all.

Next we have Slavo. Slavo is Slovak, and also a fan of (American) football. In fact, when I mentioned that I had attended Purdue, he said “That’s the one with the train right?” which means that he likes to watch really bad football. Really bad. Anyway, he’s a knowledgeable sports guy, so I would expect his bracket to be so as well.

Another fairly conservative bracket! What have I done, this is going to be terrible. I will owe everyone lunches when my random 12 seed does not upset the team they should, and we have the most boring tourney in the history of NCAA tournaments. Crap. Highlights from this one are… uh… Yale advancing over Baylor? Hawaii to the Sweet 16 maybe. KU over UNC in the Final seems fairly rational. Let’s just move on.

Up next we have Ela. Ela is a returning player from last year, and is part of my largest ethnic group: Poles. In general Poles love an opportunity to gamble and don’t necessarily always play it tight like the Germans do. Her bracket could be interesting.

You have got to be kidding me! This looks like she actually knows what the heck she’s doing. UK over UNC getting them into the Final Four? MSU over UVA? Has she been paying attention to college basketball all year? What the hell happened? Last year everyone was all over the board, and now I have three people who have put up consistent brackets. But wait, it’s about to get fun…

Continuing on team Poland, next comes Karolina. Karolina is new to the team, having just moved from Warsaw. She was happy to see a team named Carolina in our Super Bowl gambling earlier this year, so I figured she would be thrilled to see UNC in the 1 seed. Her bracket:

Now THIS is a Eurobracket! VCU in the Final Four! South Dakota State in the Sweet 16! National Champion Utah Utes!!! When asked about her Utah choice, she said she picked it “because it is very pretty.” So there you have it. Besides some of the aggressive picks, I like some of the other ones. I can see Iowa upsetting Nova. I can see Xavier going deep (but maybe not Final Four deep).

Finishing up team Poland, we have Paul. Paul returns from last year where he had an okay showing, riding the Kentucky Wildcats like many did, only to be disappointed by Duke, like many are. He’s a huge fan of traveling to Miami, so I expected the Canes to make a run. Let’s take a look:

Lo and behold, Miami is in the Elite Eight before losing to a Kansas squad that will go on to beat Little Ro—- wait a minute. Little Rock is playing MY Boilermakers in the first round. I don’t even know what to think? I’d be livid if Purdue lost to Little Rock, but if they ended up making it to the Natty and losing to KU? I don’t think it would bother me nearly as much. Is this the ultimate passive aggressive move from my employee? “I hate you and want you to be miserable for exactly three weeks, at which point you realize that you were just on the wrong side of a hot team.” Man, brutal. Little does he know I’ve already seen that movie before (Thanks, VCU!). Meanwhile in the East, LUMBERJACK CITY! The Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin upset WVU, Notre Dame, and Xavier before finally losing steam to UNC. UNC seemingly given the role of Cinderella-killer by eliminating the 16, 14, and 13 seeds in their bracket before finally getting the tables turned on them by a 12 seed. Man, I would pay money to watch this tournament play out (maybe we could have Purdue somewhere else in the bracket in this new version?).

Up next is Igor, another returning candidate. Russian born, but longtime German resident, Igor enjoys his soccer but doesn’t care much for American sports. He also thinks my wife and I are CIA agents, which is the coolest thing anyone has ever said about me by far. His bracket:

YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING ME. Europeans love the Trojans of UA-Little Rock. Wow. NATIONAL CHAMPION LITTLE ROCK TROJANS. Who am I kidding, I would love to see this bracket more than any of the rest. Hampton over Virginia! Hampton vs Little Rock to get into the Elite 8! Yale in the Elite 8. UNC magically jumps the bracket and takes Cal’s spot and makes it into the final. This is exactly why I love doing this.

I don’t know if I can bear to see what’s next. Benjamin, a colleague of mine who doesn’t work for me, heard about this and wanted to be a part of it. He had actually watched the first weekend of an NCAA tournament once, then “forgot it was on TV and never found out who won.” That makes him the most qualified European filling out the bracket. German, so I expect a lot of chalk. Let’s see:

LITTLE ROCK AGAIN WHAT THE HECK. I don’t know if word got out that I went to Purdue and everyone is screwing with me, or they just like the name “little” and “rock” because it rhymes in German? KLEINER STEIN! Who knows. But once again my Boilermakers get beat by the damn Trojans. You’d swear we were an 8. I can at least take some solace in the fact that he also has Chattanooga eliminating IU, and Stephen F. Austin once again making the Final Four. This seems like a somewhat aggressive but not too unrealistic (except for maybe SFA) bracket, but I hate it and now I’m questioning why I did this bracket thing if everyone was going to pick Little Rock. If Purdue chokes I will never hear the end of it.

Penultimately, we have Nadine. Nadine is half Irish, half German, and actually played professional basketball in the women’s second league here in Germany. Unfortunately for her, she knows nothing about NCAA Basketball. Her picks:

*Eyes immediate scan for Little Rock* PHEW. This is a pretty decent bracket overall, if you don’t mind Vandy in the Elite 8 (Go Shockers, I guess?). Her final was Duke over Butler. The rationale? “Well, a Duke is a prestigious person. A Butler could work for a Duke, but the Duke would always win because he’s nobility.” Welp, can’t argue with that. The ghost of Brad Stevens guides the Bulldogs to yet another National Championship loss. As my friend Drew said regarding Butler basketball, “Even I could go 0-2 in National Championship games.”

And finally, we have Euge. From Buenos Aires, Euge married a German man and has been living in Germany ever since. She brings a depth of Simpsons knowledge that had been previously lacking from the team. Even with that, I think she trolled me the most with her bracket:

THERE IT IS, LITTLE ROCK. Bastards. Pouring more salt into the wound, IU gets to raise a banner. I hate this reality. The worst part is, the bracket isn’t a disaster, it’s fairly reasonable. But this girl, knowing nothing about my allegiances, found a way to stick TWO daggers in my back. Brutal.

So that’s it. That’s the Euro bracket. We’ll have updates as the tournament progresses as to how everyone is doing. Pick your horse in this race now, because this will be a good one.