With the most excellent news this morning that the Victorian Liberal Party would quite like to privatise the ABC and SBS – should the Coalition be elected come September – we thought we’d take a peek into that dystopian, apocalyptic Tony Abbott-led future and pre-emptively move to Canada see what that would mean for the ABC’s alternative music mecca and national youth broadcaster triple j.

Requests to Good Nights made via premium phone numbers that place you in a 45-minute queue

“Your request is important to us – please hold the line.”

“To hear Hold The Line by Major Lazer, press 1. To hear Hold The Line by Toto, press 2. To continue holding the line, press 3. If you’d like a representative to call you back, press 4.”

*beep*

“Your callback is scheduled for next Monday at 8:15am. Thank you for using triple j.”

Program scheduled at 7:00am, arrives at 7:09am

As Victorians well know, “on time” means anywhere between 59 seconds early and 4 minutes 59 seconds late. The 5:00pm bulletin can now become the 5:15pm bulletin, and the 6:00pm bulletin can be merged with Hack to avoid a programming backlog.

Sometimes the news might not air at all – but you’ll know about that 2 minutes after it was scheduled, by which time you’ll have missed your chance to listen to the news somewhere else.

The new triple j – 93% of the time, we’re on air and on time all the time.

These guys will win every Unearthed competition

Lucy Wicks & The Young Libs (feat. Starman, the Star 104.5FM star)

Quadruple J replaces outdated, overcrowded Triple J

Let’s face it – the Triple J of old is just too full of music to be of any use for much longer. Too many people are listening and the ABC just won’t have the bandwidth to service them all.

But if you subscribe to the new Quadruple J network, you’ll get wider music coverage (in metropolitan areas), better reception (in metropolitan areas) and faster music speeds (in metropolitan areas).

That is, until everyone has migrated from Triple J to Quadruple J in five years time, leading once again to “overcrowding” on an “outdated” station. Don’t worry, though – Quintuple J well be just around the corner (in metropolitan areas).

All songs cut to 3 minutes and played 2 minutes apart to maximize efficiency

Yet the news is still 7 minutes late…again.

“Temporary” ads to pay for new features

“Today we’re announcing a new program, Excellent Music Time, scheduled for 8am-8pm (approximately) every weekday! This is your optimal route to the best music on triple j, all for your convenience. Yes, there’s going to be ads for Toyota and Mortein, but they’ll disappear as soon as they cover the cost of the songs we play.

“Playlists will be updated and refreshed on a daily basis. Number and variety of ads may increase to meet demand.”

Short.Fast.Loud. and Roots N’ All rolled into one segment

Called Short Loud Roots: Affirmative Action Hour

Restoring The Balance loses irony, becomes left wing

Geoffrey Rush and Catherine Deveny’s kids take to the air and fill their allotted 15 minutes a week with a non-stop string of hard-left, pro-arts jabberings in a valiant but futile attempt to counteract the slowly dawning realisation among listeners that they really, REALLY shouldn’t have taken the presence of such a unique and valuable resource like triple j for granted.

Sounds good, huh?