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IN A DECISION that serves to highlight how crucial securing a positive change in fortunes is for the Irish rugby team Joe Schmidt has called up Brian O’Driscoll, Paul O’Connell and Keith Wood to ensure a commanding and momentum building performance against Russia is achieved.

“We’re not panicking, who said we were panicking? What a ludicrous suggestion. Oh course we have full confidence in our game plan, who said we didn’t? Gimme their God-damn names now,” shared Ireland coach Joe Schmidt, wearing his trademark calm and unflappable demeanour.

Lining out for training this morning, the three newly installed Irish rugby legends took part in routine stretching and wailed like women during a particularly difficult labour as they attempted to reach down and touch their toes, their presence providing the squad with a timely confidence boost.

“Game plan. Process. Accumulation of miles in the legs. Game plan,” a focused Joe Schmidt repeated to himself over and over again, however, the pressures Schmidt is currently feeling will be reduced after news reaches him that every Irish fan has confessed to possessing much more knowledge on the game of rugby than he accumulated over the years and are excitedly queuing up to tell him where he went wrong and why.

Due to an IRFU error and miscommunication with Irish selectors, the entire county of Galway is being flown over to Japan for a possible quarter final against New Zealand or South Africa while Mick Galwey waits patiently by the phone for a call.