Breaking news: President Obama is in talks to persuade Louis van Gaal to take charge of North Korea. He’s convinced it’ll stop them attacking.

• Ranking the Manchester United managers

Hey, did you hear that Manchester United are thinking of rebranding as a rugby club? Apparently they like the idea of a sport where you can score loads of points by passing the ball backwards.

Why is Wormwood Scrubs prison like Old Trafford at 4.45pm on a Saturday? Because it’s full of Londoners trying to get out.