You’re almost too embarrassed to pull out your phone on the bus. It’s slow and old now, and the battery barely lasts for half a day. The edges are scuffed and the screen has a couple of discolored spots. Your phone is a plastic piece of shit that was made by some faceless factory worker from god-knows-where, but at least now that your contract is over it’s finally yours. Sort of. It’s tied to your name, and you can’t sell it to someone else or use it on a different network, but it’ll make a fine paperweight.

You can’t wait to buy AT&T’s New Phone. It’s only $299 on a new contract. You’ve saved up for months, because it’s definitely going to be the hottest device of 2018. At least, that’s what that handsome man on TV with the suspiciously perfect smile says. What’s better: faster, or slower?, he asks a group of preschoolers. Definitely faster. Faster is always better. Even preschoolers know that.

Boop boop beep boop. You hear that goddamn jingle again. You want to buy the new Katy Perry song on AT&T Music to use for your alarm, but it costs five bucks. Your nerdy friend says he can unlock your phone so you can put your own music on it, but there’s a decent chance you’ll get busted, and AT&T will turn your phone into a useless brick and kick you off of the network. Verizon sucks in your town, and there’s no way you’re going to be seen using the chintzy prepaid crap that Sprint-T-Mobile offers.

Oh well, you think. You’re about to upgrade. Everything will be better when you upgrade. You’ve been looking forward to this day for almost three years.

You walk into the AT&T Store and a sense of calm sinks into your bones. An elegant juxtaposition of smooth white surfaces and expensive wood paneling twists down a long hallway, cradling rows of glowing rectangles. The AT&T jingle confronts you from every direction as if it was already playing in your head. Your senses are bathed in the brand. The entire room converges at the end of the hallway on a giant orb resembling the planet Earth. The subtext is clear: AT&T owns the world, and you’re just living in it.

The AT&T salesman greets you with a smile, letting you know it’s all going to be okay. He shows you a number of pamphlets and walks you over to a row of New Phones. You’re most excited about AT&T Platinum 4G, its new super-fast data service. It’s basically the same 4G that you’ve had for years, but you get to listen to AT&T Music and watch AT&T News and use AT&T Video Chat and download apps from the AT&T App Store without eating up any of your data. The plan only costs $100 a month, but you get the unlimited text-message package for an extra $20 since AT&T Instant Chat isn’t available for your friends on Verizon.

It’s a good thing you’re still dressed up for work, because you’re renewing your vows today. You walk down the aisle to the register, hand over your savings, and the cashier drops a box in a bright orange bag. Your marriage has been extended until 2021. The honeymoon will be over in a month.