WASHINGTON—Systematically eliminating any resistance to his new position as the president’s chief of staff, John Kelly moved through the White House on Friday rooting out any remaining Reince Priebus sympathizers hiding in tunnels throughout the residence. “I’ve gotta stamp them all out, every last one,” said Kelly, a retired Marine Corps general, dropping a grenade down a shaft in which he’d heard rustling from several White House aides loyal to his predecessor. “There was a real nasty pocket of ’em near the Briefing Room that still refused to recognize any press secretary except Sean Spicer. I had to smoke them out with tear gas and gut ’em one by one. These bastards sure don’t go down easy. Some of them keep trying to implement Priebus’ agenda right up until the moment they finish bleeding out.” At press time, Kelly had emptied a can of gasoline into a crawl space hiding several Anthony Scaramucci loyalists before setting it ablaze with the butt of his cigar.

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