It’s that time of year again, gang. Christmas is coming up, and it just doesn’t feel right to buy your mother presents with the money she’s been secretly putting into your bank account to enable your sad, pathetic lifestyle. We’ve all been there. It’s finally time for you to step up to the plate and rake in the big bucks. Be an adult for once in your miserable life! If you’re like me, you like to swoop in while all of the big name retail outlets are hiring for the holidays and save them the trouble of getting stuck with a bunch of incompetent teenagers. Don’t feel bad about it. Those kids don’t know anything about money. They aren’t going to appreciate the $7 an hour like you are, so don’t worry about them when you get hired instead. They’re just going to end up buying drugs and video games anyway! You may be saying to yourself, “Well hey, that all sounds great, but what the heck am I gonna do at the job interview? I filled out the application. I took the first step, but I haven’t spoken to another human being in years. I just know I’m gonna blow it!” Have no fear. I’ve had more jobs than you can ever imagine. More interviews than stars in the sky. I’m a professional job hunter, and I’m going to tell you everything I know about finally getting that career of yours going. I guess I’m just feeling generous this holiday season. It is the season of giving after all!

Image by Flazingo Photos

A Handshake

This is what the big shots in the industry call “Making a first impression”. You only get one chance at this, so make sure you do it right. Wipe off any boogers or cheeseburger grease before you give that hand a shake. And please don’t wipe your hands on your pants if you can help it. That’s just going to make you look like some kind of brainless animal. But maybe that’s what they are looking for in an employee? Tough decision. You make the call. Anyway, squeeze the interviewer’s hand. Not too tight! A broken bone is an immediate disqualification. Make eye contact too I guess.

Dress to Impress

I know you’ve got quite a collection of hilarious shirts with quotes and logos from all your favorite TV shows and video games, but they just aren’t gonna cut it this time. In fact, go into your closet and throw away anything in your wardrobe that has any sort of dragon or funny quote or cartoon on it. Yes, that includes anime. Scrounge around for the nicest thing you can find. You might get lucky and find something nice from years ago before you let your life get washed down the drain! If not, you can always ask your mom to take you shopping. That will give you the added bonus of having someone there to tell you how nice you look in your new clothes. She might not give the most honest answer, but she’s all you got.

Show Them How Confident You Are

Don’t look down at your feet. Don’t stammer when you speak! At least pretend you know what you’re doing. Make up big words to explain yourself if you have to. There’s a 50/50 chance they will be impressed by your attempt at loquaciousness (See what I did there?) even if everything coming out of your mouth is total nonsense. No self-respecting corporation is going to hire some weenie on the verge of peeing his pants. This isn’t a daycare you’re in. It’s a workplace for adults!

Image by David Goehring

Make Small Talk

Think of a few topics to bring up with people you may run into during the course of the interview process. The weather or current events? Whatever you feel comfortable talking about with total strangers. There’s a pretty good chance they won’t listen to a word that comes out of your mouth, but they will appreciate the effort and word will quickly spread about how charming you are. Once again video games and anime is a no-no.

Image by Danny Choo

Refrain from Telling Them About Your Embarrassing Hobbies

Anime and video games once again. I can’t stress this enough. Do not tell them how the season of your favorite anime is going. Do not talk about the cute girls in your new video game. They do not care, and depending on the employer, they may call the police.

Image by Cameron Yee

Tell a Joke

In fact, don’t do this. You’ll just screw it up and look like a total fool. You will probably end up telling some racist joke or saying something you saw on a meme. What is wrong with you kids today?

Image by Scott Wilcoxson

Do Not Pass Gas

Don’t burp or fart in the presence of your future boss. Just don’t. I shouldn’t have to explain why, but some of you people are completely hopeless. Just do not do it!

Image by Henry Lopez

Ask Them About Photos on Their Desk

If there is a photograph on their desk, ask them about it. Show them that you are interested in their life. Your interviewer is probably a miserable husk of a human being that is hated by everyone in the store or office, and it will make them feel good to know that the person they are hiring could potentially be a true friend. Just don’t make any crude remarks about their children or spouse. Yes, they are attractive. No, your interviewer doesn’t need to hear about it.

Try Not to Frighten Anyone in the Building

This should go without saying, but you should do your best to avoid frightening anyone you come in contact with during the duration of the interview process. Don’t stare at people and make them feel uncomfortable. Don’t scream or talk to yourself. No meme language. Employers are usually looking to hire a human being, so you should do your best to act like one. I know it’s difficult for a worthless subhuman like yourself, but it must be done if you want to make your mother proud. Even if you don’t get the job, it will do you some good to practice acting appropriately in the world outside your smelly bedroom.

There you have it, folks. All of my top secret tips and tricks to finally correct the course of your tragic, miserable life. Take this advice to heart, and nothing will be able to stand between you and your dreams. I guarantee it. Now go out there and make me proud, Peter Heads!

Featured Image by George Hodan and Johnny Magnusson