Sometimes I wonder: Would I have chosen to follow Jesus if I really understood what it would mean? When I experienced the call to become disciple, I was eager. I quickly said, “Here I am, Lord, take me!” It’s fair to ask whether my enthusiasm was more a product of ignorance than piety.

Following Jesus is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Of course, it’s also been the most joyful, invigorating, and life-giving experience. But the raw, furious challenge of this path cannot be downplayed. If I could have seen how this was all going to play out, I’m not sure I would have been so gung-ho about giving my life to God. At the very least, I would have asked a few more questions!

It’s terrifying to think about how little I know of what lies ahead of me, and what this path of discipleship might cost me. In my experience, walking with Jesus is like taking steps out into the darkness, with nothing to lean on except faith that there will be solid ground where my foot lands.

Over the last decade that I’ve been following him, Jesus has led me to places I never imagined. I’ve been challenged beyond my limits, and I’ve found a whole host of ways to stumble. Yet somehow, against all odds, I’m still here. Despite everything I know about how challenging this path is, I keep returning to the way of Jesus. I can’t resist the call of my heart.

That’s not to say I don’t try. Sometimes there’s nothing I wouldn’t like more than to give up. It feels like it would be a relief to try to salvage an “ordinary” life out of this hot mess we call “ministry.” But in spite of all the pain and disorientation, I resonate with the experience of the apostle Paul, who said, “woe to me if I do not proclaim the gospel!”

There’s no escaping what you were made for. God has called you for important, challenging work. Even if it costs you everything in the eyes of the world. What’s the dream that God has planted in your life? Somewhere deep inside, you already know the answer.

What will it mean for you to live in hope, even as you step out into the dark?

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