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AN EX-SOLDIER was so desperate to become a woman he performed a DIY sex change operation on himself.

When Roland Mery, a 61-year-old, married, father-of-four from Newport, was told he had to wait two years for gender reassignment surgery he decided he had no option but to do the job himself.

Telling his wife of 23 years, Julie, that he had a headache, Roland took some painkillers and headed for the family bathroom. Using a home-made surgery kit, he removed his genitals, losing two pints of blood in the process.

But for Roland, this drastic action was his only way of setting himself free.

“From the moment I walked down the stairs after I did it I just felt right. I had repressed my feelings for so long,” said Roland, who is considering changing his name to the more feminine-sounding Rolande.

“I had worked out exactly how I would do it and rehearsed it many times. It proved to me afterwards that your brain and emotions can overpower you so much. I had rehearsed the whole thing over and over. So when it came to actually doing it, the pain wasn’t an issue anymore.

“My priority was to just get rid of it all, but I obviously had to be very careful.

“When I was taken to the Royal Gwent Hospital afterwards, the doctor told me I had actually done quite a good job!”

Whilst Roland was being ferried to hospital in an ambulance, the Mery family bathroom was turned into a crime scene. At first, traumatised wife Julie was suspected of attacking her husband. But when police entered the bathroom, it became clear that he had planned it all himself.

Although Roland had eventually plucked up the courage to admit to his stunned wife that he longed to become a woman, 51-year-old Julie had not believed his claims that he would resort to such drastic action.

It was not until Roland appeared on the stairs in a blood-stained shirt, clutching a towel between his legs, that she realised the full extent of his desperation.

“When he came down the stairs he was absolutely white. I thought he was dying,” said Julie. “He yelled: ‘Ring 999 Julie, I’ve done it!’

“I wanted to go to the hospital with Roland, but I couldn’t because my home was being treated as a crime scene. There were forensics and police in the bathroom and they thought I might have done it. But when they went upstairs, what they saw told them Roland had planned this himself.

“I had just got over cancer and don’t know how I would have coped if it wasn’t for my family, they were very supportive.”

Since the age of four, Roland knew he was different from the other boys.

“At the time you don’t know what it is,” he said. “I always liked to play hopscotch with the girls and was always shunned. My mates at school would ask what was wrong with me. I was one of the boys, not one of the girls.

“Once I asked my parents if I could have a doll’s house, but my father and brother found it very strange and said that was for girls. That really hurt me.

“I think that was the start of me going into myself and getting very shy around certain people.”

Next page: What the shyness did

This shyness developed into a deep loathing of his male form.

“I hated waking up in the morning and going to the toilet or having a shower because it was so stressful to see that I was a man,” he said. “I knew it shouldn’t be there. It was all wrong. I felt that I was not a man.”

Worried and confused, Roland became addicted to exercise and suffered from anorexia.

“I had never heard of anyone having gender reassignment,” he said.

“I tried everything to overcome it and try to be what was expected of me from society and the people around me.

“In my early 20s I became anorexic. I was cycling a lot at the time and went totally over the top. I became a top international cyclist, winning a tour of Ireland and becoming the National Road Race Champion in 1989.”

Although on the outside he appeared a successful athlete, Roland’s punishing routine started to take its toll on his body.

“I used to punish myself because of the feelings I had, it took my mind off everything for a while,” he said.

“At one stage I would cycle 170 miles a day. When I was 23, I went down to just seven stone. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and very angry. I thought I was crazy, so I did everything to be the opposite of what I really was.

“For most of my life I tried to blank out all the feelings I had. I was trying to work out what on earth was wrong with me.

“People are more aware and have more information now but there was none in those days. I couldn’t go to anybody.

“The first time I talked to anybody about it was when I visited a clinic in Manchester in 2005. I was 56 years old. Julie knew nothing about it.

“I thought this was the answer to my problems. I could talk to somebody and get some help. After two psychological assessments, I started hormone treatment. But it was very expensive – about £275 a month, which I couldn’t afford. But I felt so at home, it was wonderful. But how could I explain this to my family?

“The treatment got rid of all my anger and I felt so at peace with myself.

“But I couldn’t afford it and had to get a few months’ treatment, then leave it while I saved up more money by selling things.”

Terrified that his wife would reject him, Roland was relieved when Julie supported his decision to become a woman. After their ordeal, the couple say they are now happier than ever and are considering a second wedding so they can renew their vows.

“You can’t get any closer than we are now,” said Julie. “We’ve been through so much together. I’ve had cancer and post-natal depression and Roland supported me through that. And now, after seeing what he has been through for so long, I’m 110% supportive of him.”

“I know people must be amazed I haven’t left him.

“He may not be a whole man anymore, but he still makes me feel complete.”

Unable to afford a full gender reassignment, including facial surgery and electrolysis, Roland now adopts an androgynous style to avoid unwanted attention.

“I don’t want to be stared at in the street,” said the former soldier.

“ I just want to blend into the crowd.”.

“I’m a woman now. But most of all I want to concentrate on being a good person and a good wife.”