RIGHT-wingers are intelligent enough to know that everyone is ultimately a self-serving bastard, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that while stupidity leads to racism, right wingers were more likely to know not to stand in front of George Monbiot at the top of some stairs.

The research also showed that Thatcherites can be interested in quantum physics, while Labour voters include barely sentient fist-throwers like John Prescott and Cheryl Cole.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Deciding who’s cleverest between left and right is like deciding which tube of Smarties would make the best Pope.

“On one side you have people who think capitalism is a great idea but hasn’t been done properly yet and on the other you have people who think the forced redistribution of wealth is a great idea but hasn’t been done properly yet. It’s not exactly a Mensa toga party.

“But right wingers are at least intelligent enough to assume that everyone is a potential enemy. Especially those who give hugs instead of handshakes.

“And while racism, homophobia and insisting climatology is a pyramid sales scam are all a bit dense, so is standing on top of a pile of skulls and shouting, ‘let’s try it again’.”

But Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park, insisted that, if you thought about it, Stalin was actually right wing, which everyone on the left thought was a very clever thing to say.

He continued: “Socialism will always work brilliantly because it is humanity’s natural instinct.”

Roy Hobbs, from Guildford, added: “What a poof.”