In which Marco's morning routine quite nearly ends in tragedy, familial ties are given some consideration, and our hero first accepts an acquisitive quest .

Chapter Text

Sun rays filtered through the gaps between the boards that formed the eastern annex's walls, the dawn's brightness forcing its way through stubbornly closed eyelids. Marco groaned and tossed around, very much aware that he wasn't sound asleep anymore.

Fantastic. The one day he was allowed to sleep in until late, and now even that had been taken away from him by shoddy mewman construction. He didn't even want to think about how cold this room would get during the winter. He'd be lucky if he didn't freeze to death!

He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and let out a long yawn. As his mind began to emerge from the depths of drowsiness, the young squire felt a small tinge of shame at his previous thoughts.

Man, there were thousands of people out on the actual streets after that huge monster stomped all over town, and Ludo and Toffee's subsequent invasion, and here he was: having a two floor building all to himself, and complaining about the walls not being quite as sturdy as he would have wished. Lavabo would be so disappointed if he could hear him speak, er, think like that. Wouldn't he?

Well, is not like Marco wasn't doing his part, working in the wash, helping people have clean flea-free clothes every week. And there was no use in denying that life in Mewni was hard for him, used as he was to all the comforts back on Earth. It was only natural that he grumbled a little bit.

He had, by the way, asked Lavabo why they weren't hosting anyone else in the old but fairly large estate. Marco had explained what Star had done, and after the knight had remarked on how wise of a ruler the princess was shaping up to be, the boy had suggested they actually follow her example and do the same with the empty old manor or its annex.

“Ah, Marco Diaz, a noble impulse, but alas, I am afraid none would take that offer. Nor should they! Any of them would be safer within the city and its surrounding magical barrier, than they would be out here, even inside the manor proper,” and that had been the end of that discussion.

Honestly, Marco didn't know what the old man was afraid of. Nothing dangerous had happened to him in here so far. Sure, the nearby woods looked rather uninviting, but the estate grounds themselves seemed safe enough, as long as you watched your step for old hunting traps.

On top of the plain wooden bedside table to his right, was the lunch he had left for himself last night. It consisted of two pieces of a pale yellowish mewnian flatbread, a jar of jam, a small container filled with butter, a glass of milk, and, of course, an ear of corn.

The bread was a new dish for the squire, one of the few things he had managed to find at Lavabo's place that wasn't yet another ear of corn or a condiment intended for corn. As exciting as Mewni might otherwise be, Marco was definitely missing some variety in his meals, so he was glad to have found something to eat that wasn’t the omnipresent yellow cob.

He did what he usually did with new foods, and methodically began his meal by trying the bread itself first, without any add ons.

Crap! Of course...

He should have seen it coming. Shouldn't he? It was salty bread made out of corn flour! Like some sort of fattened up corn tortilla. Man, what he wouldn't give for some Captain Blanche's Sugar Seeds instead... he was getting so tired of corn!

Marco had to admit, however, that the jam was not bad at all. It was clearly made out of either a combination of fruits, or some fruit that wasn't available back on Earth, at least none that the boy knew of. It was red and tasted a bit like cherry and a bit like fig, but not nearly as sweet, and it had a slight spicy tang to it. It shouldn't have worked, particularly not with the strange bread, but it did. It wasn't really sweet enough for a jam, as Marco understood the concept, and it definitely wasn't a hot sauce, but rather something in between. Suddenly, some of Star's bizarre food preferences began making sense to him. It almost made up for the disappointing corn bread.

Once he finished eating, Marco jumped out of his bed and walked to a battered old wooden dresser. It looked like it might once have been a fine piece of furniture: the edges showed splinter-ridden protrusions that perhaps used to be ornaments, and it still had half a cracked mirror on one of its two doors. It was the kind of thing that would have been called an ‘antique' back on Earth, if it were in better condition. As it was now, however, Marco was pretty sure that the proper Earth term for it was just 'garbage'.

He opened the ancient thing, retrieving both a fresh change of clothes he had prepared the day before, as well as a bar of soap, a neatly folded towel, and a wooden bucket from the bottom shelf. A good squire was an organized squire, after all.

He climbed down the stairs of the annex, carrying all of the above, plus his knife and plate, as well as the keychain that normally hung on the inside of the building’s door.

The annex was a sort of improvised eastern wing of the manor, built atop a now empty granary. With food shortages in the kingdom being what they were, knights hoarding grain (corn, presumably) would have been a dishonorable act in and of itself. Plus, Marco was sure Lavabo's land hadn't been worked on in decades. As he made his way towards the stream, the overgrown weeds under his feet reinforced that conviction.

The annex stood directly to the side of the main building. Unlike the former, the later was not made out of mostly wood, but rather built up entirely of large stone bricks. It had no windows on the first floor, and a total of three small gates guarded by sturdy reinforced doors. A lookout tower, flying the flag of the Butterfly Kingdom above the banner of the Order of the Wash, stood slightly taller than the rest of the two-floor construction, facing north.

To call Lavabo's place a castle would have been greatly overselling it. But it was definitely intended to be some kind of fortification back in the day. Marco guessed that made sense, it was right on the eastern outskirts of the Butterfly Kingdom, practically at the doorstep of the Forest of Certain Death.

It was apparently also only a few miles away from what was technically the Johansen Kingdom. While both kingdoms enjoyed peaceful and ostensibly cordial relations now, on account of their families being united by Moon and River's marriage, Marco could easily imagine that not always being the case. Hell, after overhearing that conversation between Etheria and River, the whole thing felt less like an alliance and more like a detente.

Correspondingly, around both the main building and the annex, was a reasonably tall and fully one foot thick stone wall. It had a single small opening, which was, currently, missing a door. There was a second wall (this one with a door), Marco knew, at the edge of the estate itself and, between the two, a few hectares of overgrown weeds, thorn bushes, and untrimmed grass. There were also a few fruit trees, and a brook that passed right through the middle of Lavabo's lands.

It was this brook towards which Marco was now headed. He made sure to keep to the few clear paths, where the vegetation growth had been crushed by the regular steps of the Knight of the Wash and his, rather few, guests. He knew better than to jump carelessly onto the undergrowth. Not only could there be snakes in there but, for some reason, it seemed someone had set up a number of bear traps down there where the weeds where the thickest. Perhaps another old defense? Like a low tech minefield?

He soon reached the familiar shallow river. During the Summer rains, Lavabo had explained, it could only be crossed at the singular stone bridge inside the estate. At this time, however, it was thin enough that Marco was sure he could leap it if he really tried, and could easily wade through it.

First, he cleaned the plate and knife on the stream, scrubbing them with his hands after frothing some soap, and wrapping them in a cloth afterwards. Then he disrobed, and, ah, went to do his business behind a bush. After that, he completed his morning routine with a quick bath.

Using the bucket to pour water on his naked body, and the soap to clean himself, Marco proceeded to wash. He really missed plumbing and Earth-style showers, but he was actually sort of surprised how quickly he got over it as a practical matter. Then again, he liked going out camping back on Earth and this was pretty similar, just, you know, for an entire year.

A few minutes later, he dried himself off with the towel, got dressed, collected back all his things and continued his way towards the outer gate. He wanted to check on the mailbox outside, maybe there was another letter from Star today.

----

The outermost wall of Lavabo’s estate was thinner than the inner walls, more of a tall brick fence against the creatures of the forest, than a defence in case of armed invasion. It was still thrice as tall as the human boy, and the iron-reinforced oak door at the gate looked sturdy enough to stop an angry bear. Then again, Marco knew for a fact that, deep within the forest, there were things far worse than bears. Hydras, for one.

However, this was only the outskirts of the Forest of Certain Death, and so the squire saw no issue in unlocking the chained padlock, removing the heavy wooden bar that secured the front door, and stepping out of the knight’s lands.

Right outside, was the imposing iron box which served as the estate’s mailbox. Marco began searching his keychain for the particular key that opened the back of the spike-topped metal box, when he noticed a pair of coal-like glowing red eyes staring at him from behind the nearby treeline.

Crap!

Marco jumped backwards just as the creature leaped forward, landing where he had just been. It let out an ominous growl, like the sound of trees swaying and cracking under an extraordinarily strong gale.

It was with this thought that the squire realized how the creature had managed to remain so well camouflaged until he met its eyes. It was made entirely out of wood!

Its skin was rough brown tree bark, with a patch of green moss growing on its flank. Its legs and body were trunk-like, but shaped crudely into animal limbs. The whole thing was a bizarre cross between a lion and a bull; all splintered claws, and fangs, and two sharp long horns. Worse still, the beast was almost as tall on four legs as Marco was on two.

Sensibly, the boy ran for the door, smashed it behind him without a hint of hesitation, and dropped back the heavy wooden bar on its latch. There, with his back to the door, he let out a sigh of relief.

Yeah, um, nope! No way he was fighting that thing over the freaking mail. He would simply check it later that afternoon, and only after making sure the creature was gone.

He was wondering whether he should tell Lavabo about the monster, when he heard another wooden growl, this one coming from above.

Marco looked up and, to his horror, he saw that the beast was standing atop the outer wall itself. Effortlessly, it jumped down once more, landing right in front of him. A green vine-like tongue licked the edge of a row of sharp splinter-teeth.

“Ah there kitty kitty…” Marco tried, rather lamely, to soothe the ligneous feline. His hand immediately reached for his right pocket, while he held his left palm in front of him, as if hoping the hungry creature would respect his ‘stop’ gesture.

In response, the monster patted the floor a few times with its right paw, lowered its head, and charged at Marco like an enraged bull.

The squire pulled out his dimensional scissors, and cut a hole in front of his body, fully intending to send this creature barrelling into Brita’s Tacos if he had to. Fortunately for anyone working the drive through that morning, and unfortunately for Marco, the beast jumped aside in the last minute, agile like a cat.

It swiped at the boy with its paw from his left, but Marco was already running towards the opposite direction.

It wasn’t much of a chase, really. The creature leaped once and landed right ahead of him.

Resigned to fighting the thing, Marco put away the scissors and pulled out the knife he had just cleaned before. A butter knife.

‘Marco, you idiot, you are fighting a lion-bull-thing with a damn butter knife!’ he thought to himself, in the second between when he first brandished the weapon and the monster again leaped towards him, mouth wide open.

Now, fortunately for him, the medieval land of Mewni had not discovered aluminum. This meant that knives, even butter knives, were made of iron or, as was the case with Lavabo’s, steel. So when Marco stuck the piece of cutlery vertically in between the creature’s jaws, it was thankfully able to withstand the pressure of the wooden mandibles, keeping them from closing around the boy’s hand. The fact that the knife was dull, however, meant that the squire managed to anger and confuse the beast far more than to injure it. The blade didn’t even lodge properly on its hard wooden palate.

That, however, still meant an opportunity for Marco to counter-attack. Before the beast could spit out the implement, Marco was already on his feet again, and poised for combat. Drawing on years of karate practice, he aimed his strongest kick at the creature’s left paw, and drove into it right at the joint with all he had.

He had imagined himself breaking the animal’s leg in two as if it were a stack of training boards. Turns out that, whatever the creature was made of, it was a sturdier type of wood than the plywood boards he was used to. Pain shot through Marco’s leg and for a moment he was afraid it was his own limb that had been broken.

But the beast let out a yelp of pain as well, like a high note from a badly tuned wooden pipe organ, and Marco was thankfully reassured that he had dealt more damage than he had received. Then again, the thing had four legs, and he only had the two. He couldn’t afford to keep exchanging blows like that.

Wait! That was it. He didn’t need to! There was a much better way to cripple this creature.

Marco ran, hurriedly, towards a nearby patch of weeds, the tallest he could find. The creature, angered by the squire’s last strike, followed in furious pursuit. Even with a damaged leg, it could still move way faster than the boy could. Besides, his own leg complained with every hurried stride.

He couldn’t outrun this thing. But, then again, that wouldn’t be a problem for long. He just needed to reach the tall grass and then, take a leap of faith, in more ways than one...

He jumped over the tall patch, barely clearing it. The monster jumped right behind him, falling into the overgrown area, snapping at him with sharp wooden fangs even as Marco rolled away on all fours. If he was wrong, he would likely not get a chance to stand up again. The beast had no problem with the vegetation, to its instincts it probably looked like the perfect place to hide.

It was.

The perfect place to hide a bear trap, that is!

The creature’s agonized roar sounded like the cracking of a tree trunk. Marco could say that with some confidence, since he had the sound of its wooden right hind leg cracking, as the metal maw of the trap snapped around it, for comparison.

Well, it seemed Marco had just realized what all the traps were there for, ‘Ah, yes, angry timber chimeras can jump into this place any second, and we place traps accordingly! Aren’t you glad I told you this, Marco Diaz?’ ‘Why yes, Sir Lavabo, I am particularly glad I didn’t have to figure this out on my own while pursued by such a creature’.

The beast growled and trashed. Marco scrambled to get out of its reach. It limped towards him, but the heavy iron chain now held the creature tied to the ground. It struggled against it, seemingly in vain.

Until, unfortunately, Marco heard one more crack, and the bull-lion monstrosity broke free, leaving its own splintered limb inside the trap. It ended in a sharp jagged stump, like the cracked wooden beam of a house.

The thing turned towards him again, regarding the boy with cautious hatred. It growled at the squire. And then… it turned away.

It limped towards the outer wall of Lavabo’s estate and, not without significant struggle, climbed up the stone barrier again. From that perch, the beast directed one final angry growl at Marco. It then less jumped and more let itself fall towards the side of the forest. In either case, it had seemingly decided that the human boy was more trouble than the paltry meal he represented was worth.

It took a few moments for the terrified squire to catch his breath, and even longer for him to feel safe enough taking his sight off the top of the outer wall.

God that was so intense! Could his relaxing day off become anymore hectic!?

Marco took a minute to carefully examine his injured leg. While he would be limping on it for most of the day, he was confident it would feel better by nightfall. He was lucky.

Lavabo had mentioned the importance of not taking unnecessary risks. Any accidental damage caused to your body would lead to less work getting done in the Wash, and that place was intense enough that it’d be hard for you to heal properly and still tend to your duties. If that thing had done more than it did to Marco, his squireship could’ve been over right there, and he’d have to return home.

After staring at the creature’s shattered limb, still caught on the bear trap, for a few seconds, Marco began to ponder something. This was the first time he had ever seen something like that since living here. Marco went out to get the mail several times before, but those times the forest looked deserted.

But what if it had been hiding in those woods the entire time? Watching Marco’s repetitive morning routine of mail collection each day? Enough times to where it was sure today was the day it could take him out by surprise? Marco felt stupid for allowing an animal to trick him into a false sense of security like that.

He now understood why Lavabo believed it was for the best that no civilians lived with them. Thinking about how one of those wooden creatures could’ve come after his parents during that ‘vacation’ months back made Marco realize just how lucky he was, but if he was going to survive Mewni, he needed more than just dumb luck.

Thankfully, Marco had his dimensional scissors. They may be awkward in combat at times, as this last encounter just proved, but they had plenty of other applications. The squire closed his eyes, cleared his mind and only thought of the inside of the mailbox. Once the image appeared in his head, he opened a portal small enough for his hand to fit through and retrieved several papers.

Ha! Take that, Nature!

Marco triumphantly made his way to a nearby tree stump and sat on it.

He normally wouldn’t examine someone’s personal mail, but Lavabo lived a reclusive life outside his work. He didn’t have any family from what Marco could tell, so all of his mail ended up being flyers for various mewman businesses. Reading these were part of Marco’s morning ritual; it helped him paint a better picture of the Mewni outside Butterfly Castle’s walls, and he always held onto the flyers of places he wanted to visit once he had the time.

Let’s see now…

One flyer was for a standard looking restaurant that was near Town Square. Their signature dish was a calzone that could predict your death. Ehh, at least it wasn’t corn-based… as far as he knew.

Another one was for this dimensional importer that sold exotic goods from a variety of places. Marco supposed that anyone with dimensional scissors could make a business of this type, but man was it all expensive. $650 for a ‘I Love NY’ shirt, no thanks!

The next flyer made Marco's stomach drop. It was one for St. Olga’s Reform School for Wayward Princesses. He had assumed the worst until realizing the flyer had been heavily edited with crayons and glitter.

The dark clouds that were meant to invoke a sense of dread were now obscured by a crudely-drawn rainbow that traveled several pages. The melancholic moon in the upper left was now… a disco ball?

Several changes like that were made to show St. Olga's was not the same hell-hole since Heinous was kicked out, which was definitely a good thing. From what Pony Head had told him, the place had been turned into a sort of club house for princesses; a place where they could relax, have fun, and forget about their future responsibilities, if just for a little while. In a sense, it was kind of like how Star treated Earth.

Oh! Speaking of Star, he still needed to see if she sent him a letter. The squire placed St. O’s flyer down and flipped through the rest of the mail. As if the seemingly random assortment of papers had a mind of its own, and wanted to play with Marco's anticipation, the letter in question was the very last item. He recognized the familiar ‘To Marco’ on the envelope.

Marco smiled giddily. He had told Star in his last letter that he wouldn't be in the Wash today, so he had given her Lavabo's address. Hopefully his subtle hint that he had the day off was conveyed well enough. If he was lucky, Star would want to use this once-a-week opportunity to hang out with him, if she had the time, that is. The idea of them exploring the town together and visiting all the places in the flyers Marco had kept sounded like the perfect day!

He opened the letter and began reading.

Hey Marco! I really hope this letter reaches you. The Mewni mailman tends to have a hard time delivering to anywhere that’s outside the kingdom’s barrier. If you’re reading this letter and are not Marco Ubaldo Diaz, then please place this letter on the corpse you found it next to and walk away. There is sensitive information beyond this paragraph and reading further without my permission will be considered an offense punishable by Narwhal Blast . You have been warned! Anyway, if you don’t mind, Marco, I sorta wanna get into serious mode for a bit. This has been on my chest for a while. So I went to a funeral a few days ago. I have been going to a lot of those lately, actually, but this one was for a great-aunt or something named Syrma Butterfly. I didn’t really know her that well, so you could imagine the whole thing was super awkward. Everyone was crying and talking about what a great person she was, and I just kept to myself by the punch bowl. Later on everyone was gathered around telling all these great stories about her, and eventually I started crying as well. Not because I missed Aunt Syrma, but because I didn’t know her to begin with, and I realized it was all my fault. Even though I lived with them in the castle my entire life, I was never that close with my mom’s side of the family. Unlike my dad’s family, they were always so stressful to be around. Scolding me for fighting monsters and bad-table manners, asking me stupid questions about becoming queen. I avoided them whenever I could, and I always felt justified for keeping my distance. For the longest time, I thought my own grandmother was living on a ‘Grandma Farm’ in a faraway land somewhere, until my mom told me she had actually died way before I was even born. At first I was like ‘Geez, thanks Mom for lying to me about that my entire life,’ but now I wonder why I didn’t ever ask to visit Grandma in the first place. Was I just afraid of meeting yet another naggy relative? I was unfair to all of them, including my mom. Yes, they can be stressful to talk to and are very, very, demanding, but I think that’s just their way of looking out for me. They want me to be ready to take over the kingdom and all that. I bet if I got to know Syrma we would’ve gotten along great. I’m not gonna make the same mistake. I wanna start making good memories with these people. They’re my family after all! Sorry to dump this on you, Marco. I don't know why but I think putting this all on paper first helped me figure out how I was gonna approach this. I already feel less guilty about it and am more determined to make things right! So thanks for listening! I guess another reason I started thinking about this stuff is because I’ve been spending more time with Eclipsa, who is also family but unlike the others is super fun to talk to. Even if she wasn't my grandma, I’d still consider her great great great great great great great great great! If you know what I mean ;) And yes, don't worry, I HAVE been careful around her! I still don't see what the big deal is. Eclipsa doesn't even know how to use wandless magic. She's just a harmless granny. Okay this letter has been really rambly. Just one more thing before I let you go! I already knew you wouldn’t be at the Wash today, because the Squire Blowout is happening! I was sorta, maybe, kinda, perhaps wondering if you could get me a palm tree outfit while you’re there! I always wanted one, but they’re usually super expensive, but with the discount squires get during the Blowout, it should cost pocket change. Obviously I’m not a squire, so if you could get one on my behalf I would really appreciate it! If not then that’s okay too! Ugh, my hand hurts. Okay, done for realies this time. Hope you enjoyed your first week in the Wash and have fun at the Blowout! Best Wishes - Star Butterfly , Princess and Future Queen of the Butterfly Kingdom .

Man, Marco could practically feel the carpal tunnel syndrome Star must have received after writing such a long letter. This was a deviation from the norm, as it was usually Marco who ended up writing the lengthy and very-not-to-the-point letters. That funeral for Lady Syrma must of really affected her. It was nice Star was willing to open up to him like this again. It felt like old times...

And, similar to those old times, Star was asking Marco to go on an adventure to get some frivolous thing. Granted, in the old times she usually came with him, but it felt a little nostalgic to be told she wanted some gimmicky outfit. Moreso since, knowing Star, he could already foresee the ridiculously dangerous quest which would be involved in getting said silly costume.

Marco re-read that particular paragraph and frowned. What even was a Squire Blowout? He didn’t have the slightest clue. The term sounded like something you’d hear during a Black Friday sale.

...

Something in Marco’s head clicked and he searched through the rest of the unread mail until he had found what he needed: A small pamphlet addressed to both Marco and Lavabo.

Greetings, young Squire. You and your knight have been formally selected by the Butterfly Kingdom to partake in Quest Buy’s ten thousandth annual Squire Blowout! Tonight and tonight only, you can get an entire year’s worth of equipment and supplies in just one chaotic night! What’s that? Poverty and Famine got you down? No problem! During this squire-exclusive sale, our featured Quest Buy items will be 99% off MSRP! Wow! Supplies will be limited, so plan ahead and prioritize the essentials! Your knight will be counting on you! Show your appreciation to them! Bling them out so they can display their superiority! Make your peers question their career paths! Buy! Buy! Buy! Disclaimer: Quest Buy and its affiliates are in no way legally responsible for any injuries, burns, scratches, memory loss, decapitation, itchiness, eternal damnation, missing possessions, lost children-

-and it sort of went on for another 3 paragraphs.

Oh no. Quest Buy…

Wait! ‘Tonight and tonight only’? An annual sale? Did Lavabo even know about this? Marco had to hurry up and tell the old knight, not only because it seemed like a good chance for both of them to get real knight gear, but also because Star’s gift request was the perfect excuse to visit her in person!