WATERBURY, VT — Late last evening at approximately 2:45 a.m., volunteer fireman James Durban and self-described “dank beer enthusiast” arrived home, sopping drunk, and completely safe.

After exiting his car and tripping over a garden hose in his garage, he bellowed aloud to no one, “I’m a God damn hero! Another night bites the dust!”

Speaking to local journalists about his successful trip home, Durban said, “My wife’s always telling me how it’s dangerous to drink and drive. But I always knew she was full of shit. I mean look at me. Here I am, safe and sound, 68 years running. What’s the worst that could happen? Sure, I’ve had some close calls, but I know what I’m doing.”

Durban continued, “Laws are made for the lowest common denominator. They don’t apply to me. I’m not a complete idiot like most. Driving buzzed is easy. Just got to keep your focus. I’m really at my best drunk. Since when is it a crime to feel the breeze in your hair? Everyone has their vices, live and let be!”