Feature Image Credit Chris Hunkeler | Creative Commons

When people have kids, why do they suddenly become Regina George’s evil kidless couple hating twin? Of course this isn’t the case with every two humans who pop out a kid, but it sure seems like a lot of them go from being fun to annoying judgmental pricks about your kidless life.

Lets look at a few of them.

The Ones Who One Up Everything You Say By Drawing Totally Non-relevant Parenting Comparisons

Not everything in life can be magically more understood by those who have kids. Your esoteric group now involves shitty diapers and daycare, we get that, but in no way do you need to answer every quandary I bring up with “wait ’till you have kids.” A brick being dropped on my foot while working construction can in no way be compared to stepping on a goddamn lego. Any pain felt, in your world, is so much less tragic because it didn’t involve the poor placement of a Hasbro toy car or whatever. It seems like no matter what you tell someone who just had a kid, you can’t possibly understand the matter fully because you don’t have kids.

“I have to get up super early in the morning for work tomorrow.”

“Wait till you have kids…then you’ll see.”

Listen prick, 5am is 5am whether my tit is being sucked or I am building a house or doing a conference call with Japan. You people don’t own time. You have no patent on it.

The Ones Who Urinate On Your Fun Night Out Story.

Again, I don’t care if people have kids. I will probably have kids. But keep shit real folks, don’t be that asshole pretending that changing a shit diaper is more fulfilling than going out for a great night on the town. And stop acting as if your world is the only world that exist. I may have kids, but I don’t plan to pretend that I don’t miss going out. By doing this you become a jealous hater. Maybe I am not looking to “meet that special girl and have kids.” Did it ever occur to you that there is no one perfect life map? And maybe sometimes part of growing up is realizing that having kids isn’t the best move.

The Ones Who Use The Baby As An Excuse For All The Shit They’ve Failed At.

When your kid becomes a crutch for all your failures, you’ve reached the apparent summit of all things parenthood. You have a kid, maybe you’re a good parent, maybe you’re doing the world a great thing. Wonderful, we all applaud you. But stop acting as if you had a kid and dreams were immediately crushed for the cause of philanthropy. In your world, anyone else who accomplishes anything at all in life is just doing so by allowing themselves to be completely immature and not family oriented. Lots of people do some pretty great shit when they have kids, you failed at a lot of shit because you were a failure without the rug rat.

Referring to a kid as your “greatest accomplishment” is even more silly. Guy meets girl, he inserts his penis in girl, he doesn’t pull out. 9 months later you both have a kid. That’s all that happened. I was reading about some girl who basically created what we know as Nursing. Her name was Florence Nightingale. She fucking created Nursing. That’s an accomplishment. If your kid grows up to create an entirely new occupation which saves lives, then maybe you can say in someway, you contributed to an accomplishment. Otherwise, really all bets are off the table for now.

The Ones Who Hate Seeing Kidless Couples Happy So They Assert That People Without Kids Are Unenlightened Failures

Not all couples want or desire having kids. And some may even want to wait. Some people think going to Cabo is more fun than changing shit diapers and you know what? Some times they are right. And that’s ok, even for you. You choose to have a kid. They choose to not have a kid. They aren’t judging you over the matter so stop judging them over the matter.

And stop posting in every Facebook thread where people are having fun that “can’t wait till you two have some kiddos : )” Its brutally annoying and pathetically presumptuous.

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