“What if I’m giving her ‘sad milk’?”

When my kiddo was a newborn, every single emotion poured out of my eyes: love and pain and fear, emptiness and unrelenting overwhelm. I struggled with breastfeeding, but my baby was usually attached to my breast, so day after day, I nursed-while-crying, and attempted to wipe my tears before they dripped onto her sweet little head.

In the haze of postpartum depression and anxiety, one of the many layers of sadness I felt was the worry that my breasts were filling my nursling with sad milk. This anxiety was right up there with, “Is she getting enough milk?”

I reasoned, if breast milk is so powerful — if it can give all the nourishment a baby needs, if it can transmit love — then can’t it also give depression? If not the milk itself, then maybe a certain tenseness in my body? The tone of my voice?

My breastfeeding journey was difficult, and my well-intentioned loved ones sometimes said things that made it even harder. I don’t know how many times people told me, “It’s best for the baby if you just relax.”

Other times, friends said — and did — things that made nursing my baby more possible, more bearable, more beautiful. (I list some of these things below.)

My personal breastfeeding situation involved the complication of breastfeeding after a breast reduction surgery. Every story is different. I’m thankful I was able to share a year of nursing with my daughter, eventually with the aid of donor breast milk, then soy formula, as well as a nursing-safe antidepressant medication for me.

If you struggled with breastfeeding, then you’ve heard it all.

Everyone has an opinion or two about your body and your baby:

Just try harder, but in a relaxed way, because if you don’t relax enough, you won’t make enough milk, so like, while you’re trying really, really hard, make sure to be totally relaxed.

Yes, people tell you if you just did it more or less or not at all, then your problems would melt away. But the truth is, the first months after giving birth are often exhausting, lonely, and filled with anxiety.

Breastfeeding can be a big part of that, and whether someone’s able to meet their personal breastfeeding goals — and how they feel if they don’t — is often wrapped up in the support they do or don’t receive.

Whether you’re a friend, family member, or even a partner (who’s not sure your role here, because you’re not the one making milk), there are things you’ll want to avoid saying to your loved one who’s struggling to breastfeed. But good news: There are also lots of ways you can be supportive.

Don’t say these things to your breastfeeding friend:

Breastfeeding can be emotionally and physically trying. If your loved one is struggling with breastfeeding, these common comments will just make it harder.

1. Can’t you do that somewhere else?

Never say that to anyone nursing (or bottle-feeding) ever. They can and should feed their baby wherever they and their baby want.

2. “It’s supposed to be easy.”

Yeah, well, it’s not easy. Even if it was easy for you or your cousin or that one woman on Instagram, this parent is struggling, and telling them breastfeeding is easy causes shame and isolation.

3. “You just need to try harder.”

This one acknowledges it’s hard, but still puts the blame on the nursing parent. Trying to function on no sleep with intense hormones, this is likely the single hardest thing they’ve ever done.

4. “You just need to relax.”

Somehow try hard and relax at the same time? Yes, relaxing is good for milk production, but telling someone to relax does not relax them.

5. “Your baby looks really small.”

If breastfeeding is a struggle, the biggest fear is that baby isn’t getting enough milk. New parents are definitely monitoring this. Babies are all different sizes, and your unprofessional opinion is not helpful.

6. “I don’t think you’re supposed to have to do it that much.”

Babies are at the breast a lot at the beginning. Sometimes part of the breastfeeding struggle is how others don’t understand why you’re nursing again.

7. “It’s SO IMPORTANT to breastfeed!”

Really? I’ve never heard that before. Nursing parents put in this amazing amount of time and energy because they already understand that breast milk is incredible.

8. “What’s the big deal? Just quit.”

Breastfeeding decisions are up to the nursing parent, with the help of professionals, and they’re not for others to decide or to minimize. When a family member mailed me formula, I felt angry and misunderstood; but when a lactation consultant told me I’d made a superhuman effort but it was time to add donor milk, I felt appreciated and relieved. My breastfeeding journey was a big deal to me, and I could only accept help from people who understood and validated that.

Here’s how to support your breastfeeding friend:

Now that we’ve gotten all the bad stuff out of the way, are there any good things people can do to support loved ones who are breastfeeding? Yes! So much!

Provide food and a full water bottle, right where they’re most comfortable nursing. Refill their water. When you’re stuck on the couch nursing, it can be hard to constantly ask others for help, so try to anticipate your loved one’s needs, and ask them often if there’s anything you can get for them.

Gift a Boppy nursing pillow or some nipple balm. Nursing pillows are a game-changer at the beginning.

Do the dishes and walk the dog, so they can concentrate on the baby. Make it clear you really do want to help any way you can.

Say, “You are amazing.” Tell them you’re sorry it’s hard, that you see and appreciate how much love and energy they’re giving to their baby.

Tell them you’re sorry it’s hard, that you see and appreciate how much love and energy they’re giving to their baby. Ask if they’d like company or privacy while they nurse. Don’t assume.

Don’t assume. Ask how they’re feeling. Make it clear you really want to listen.

If they have unanswered questions, offer to call a lactation consultant to make an appointment for them or refer them to KellyMom, a website full of reliable, evidence-based information on breastfeeding, run by an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant.

If they tell you they need to supplement, give them a link to their local Human Milk 4 Human Babies page on Facebook, where they can find freely given breast milk directly from other parents. If you have breast milk to share, please share.

If your loved one decides to add (or switch to) formula, don’t shame them. New parents face judgment from every direction; what your friend needs from you is love and trust.

Advocate for paid parental leave for all parents. Research shows employed women who received 12 or more weeks of paid maternity leave were more likely to initiate breastfeeding and be breastfeeding their child at 6 months than those without paid leave. Interestingly, paid paternity leave also leads to significantly increased rates of breastfeeding. Support matters.

Postpartum can be such a difficult time, but no one needs to struggle alone.