“This isn’t welfare,” Scott Morrison told journalists this week as he stood in a farm in Dalby, Queensland to announce yet more funds ($7bn, don’t you know) for yet more drought relief because of yet more droughts.

Of course it is not welfare. Perish the thought! If it were welfare then the prime minister and the rest of his government would be seeking ways to turn the lives of the farmers into misery – to belittle them with naked scorn and snide condescension.

But heck, let not the absence of any horrendous welfare recipients nearby hold Morrison back from twisting the knife into the gut of those lacking the spiritual fortitude required to accumulate wealth.

A day without slapping down the less deserving is like a day without prayer, and when you worship at a church that holds dear prosperity theology (well, you could hardly hold it cheap), then the two go hand in hand.

After declaring “this isn’t – this isn’t welfare” (so horrendous is the suggestion, the phrase caught in his throat), Morrison added, “this is really just helping people make sure that they maintain a viability”.

All those attempting to subsist on Newstart must be glad Morrison has finally come clean that he doesn’t believe welfare payments actually are about helping people maintain a viable life.

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These farmers – not like those layabout climate-change protestors using that child, Greta Thunberg, to do their bidding – were “important assets for our country, our farming assets, their lands, they can remain productive; that they can stay on the land is really important to Australia”.

“You work hard,” he cried. Oh hallelujah. Sing it, brother Scott!

You could feel the pride as he stood next to 11-year-old Jack Berne, who has been raising money and awareness for drought-affected farming communities.

Thank God, as Morrison said just last week to the UN general assembly, those in the country know how to “let our kids be kids, let our teenagers be teenagers, while we work positively together to deliver the practical solutions for them and their future.”

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I mean, you wouldn’t want an 11-year-old to be treated as a media prop that would have the prime minister saying to him of a talkback radio host: “Benny Fordham and I, we set you up a bit”.

What 11-year-old isn’t being set up by the PM and an AM radio host and then being used in a press conference? Just kids being kids!

It is so inspiring that a politician in today’s cynical times can remain true to his convictions for the entire time it takes to fly across the Pacific Ocean.

And of course, there is no way this welfare could actually be welfare, because were it so, Morrison would not be saying to the farmers that “we encourage them to reach out to those financial counsellors”. No, instead he would encourage them to keep damn good accounts to ensure that when the robodebt notice arrives they have records stretching back seven years to prove that the debt they are being told they owe is not accurate.

This is the only government under which you need to provide less paperwork to justify $675,000 in expenses as a “drought envoy” than you do to clear up a $675 incorrect debt notice.

A report with detailed analysis and recommendations based on evidence? Pfft, that just smacks of effort – text messages are the go now!

I wonder if Joyce actually texted whole sentences to Morrison, or was he so busy spending his time as drought envoy fertilising the abortion debate in NSW that he could only send a few words and acronyms – “Got the $$$. Drought? NFI LOL Kthxby”.

Kids these days and their texting.

But not to worry about those poor saps on real welfare; let us hold an inquiry into the scheme, during which we’ll find a $14,500 debt notice was issued to a person with an intellectual disability who was also offered no support to work through the situation.

Cripes, if we’re going to have to offer support for people on welfare, pretty soon you’re treating them like farmers, and before you know it you are going to have to brag about overpaying them!

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As Morrison told journalists when asked about how the government was providing $1m in drought support to an area in Victoria that was not in drought, “if we’re being accused of being too supportive, too generous, too much on the front foot in helping rural districts when it comes to supporting them in the drought, well I’m happy to take that criticism.”

Yeah, too supportive, that’s what you’re accused of – much like we’re not accusing celebrity chefs who underpay their workers of being crooks, but being just too frazzled by all the complexity of industrial relations law.

Heck, all those wages to pay, how could I manage such complexity? Now excuse me while I prepare a 17-course degustation menu with more precision than was used to split the atom.

Then again, they get conniptions when diners ask to split a bill, so I guess it’s not surprising that they like their wages as underdone as their lamb cutlets.

But of course farmers are not on welfare, because if they were then the social services minister would accuse them – out of context, mind you! – of spending all this new money on drugs.

But hey, the joke’s on the farmers – there actually isn’t much new money.

$5bn of the $7bn comes from the Future Drought Fund, which hasn’t actually been spent on anything yet (much like with the Emissions Reduction Fund, all the real work is being done in the name), $1bn comes from loans provided by the Regional Investment Corporation, which was established last year, and $750m for money to the states for the “the National Water Infrastructure Development Fund”.

After that, the actual amount of new money is so scarce it almost deserves the name welfare.

But it is most decidedly not welfare, because if it was Peter Dutton would be demanding farmers could only receive it while also agreeing to being stripped of their civil liberties. Protesting? While receiving government payments? What the hell do you think this is – a democracy?

Next people will be thinking droughts have something to do with climate change. What a weird bloody view of the world some people have.

• Greg Jericho writes on economics for Guardian Australia