Steel Panther continues to take over the world and a damn good reason for that is because of their guitarist, Satchel, who is as hilarious on stage as he is talented. I recently spoke with him in a controversial, can’t miss interview.

Alex Obert: So how’s it going today? You doing well?

Satchel: Yeah, it’s going good. I’m so good. I’m naked right now. Everything’s good when you’re naked!

Alex Obert: I agree. And how’s the tour going at the moment?

Satchel: The tour’s been going really good. We’ve done a few shows so far and they’ve all been completely sold out. And I’ve been laid about nine times, sexual intercourse.

Alex Obert: Who do you think number ten will be?

Satchel: Number ten is already in the backstage area right now. Her name’s Bertha. Sounds like a fat chick, but it’s not. She’s one of the skinny Berthas. Have you ever met a girl named Bertha before?

Alex Obert: Nah, but I’d imagine she would be be fat.

Satchel: You’d think she’d be fat because people always think Big Bertha, but this girl is very skinny. She’s a stripper. She super skinny and she throws up her lunch and stuff. I think I’m gonna have sex with her right here very soon, right after I’m done with the interview. She’s totally naked.

Alex Obert: Sounds like a good time! So how do you feel about the setlist for this tour?

Satchel: We have actually had scientists work on the setlist for us. They made sure that the order was perfect for the crowd enjoyment. It’s the best setlist we’ve ever had because we had real musicologists and scientists work on the vibage, which is a scientific term, for how the set is supposed to go. And we’re never gonna change the set now. We have the perfect set. It would suck if we do another record, which we probably will, cause we won’t be able to do any songs off the new record because we already have the perfect set.

Alex Obert: Which songs do you think get the women going the best?

Satchel: Here’s the thing, a lot of the girls that come to our shows, they don’t even give a shit what we play cause they’re just staring at our dicks the whole time. It’s like they’re there just for sex. I mean the music helps because it gives them something to groove to, but so many girls just use us as a piece of meat. They know that we will pretty much have sex with any girl in the crowd. So they put it out there and we oblige, we have sex with their vaginas. We put our penises into them. But it helps to have the right setlist because a lot of the guys come to pick up on the girls that we don’t have sex with. We usually have sex with most of the girls in the crowd though. But it has to be the right setlist because there’s gonna be some people that wanna listen to music and they’re not having sex at the time. I’m telling you, man, there’s so many girls at our shows that are single and they’re super horny. You don’t wanna bring a girl with you to the show cause it’s like bringing sand to the beach. You don’t bring tortilla shells to Taco Bell, do you? They have them there! If you come to our show, this is what you do, you wear spandex. Do you have spandex at home?

Alex Obert: I don’t. I may have to borrow a pair from Chris Jericho.

Satchel: Dude, borrow some of Chris Jericho’s spandex. Trust me. I know he’s got some. It’ll probably be tight around your crotch, but you’ll be showing your package to all the ladies. And don’t wear any underpants. But make sure if they’re Chris Jericho’s that you wash them first because you don’t know where he’s been. I’ll tell you what, you are definitely gonna get laid because girls love dudes in spandex. And they are so attracted to the meat in the spandex, it’s nuts. I’m not just talking about your nuts, I’m talking about that it’s crazy.

Alex Obert: I’ve seen girls join you on stage many times. What goes through your head when you get those girls on stage at the end of the night?

Satchel: Same thing goes through everybody’s head, which one am I gonna have sex with first? It’s good when they get on stage because it’s a good way to find out which one has bad breath. Some girls have bad breath and you gotta get close to them and if they have really bad breath, it’s like oh shit, I can’t have sex with that girl. If you’re gonna be having sex in missionary position or something like that and she’s breathing all over your face and her breath smells like a dog’s butt, it’s horrible. It’s a boner killer.

Alex Obert: Do you have girls that want to test your junk on stage and cop a feel?

Satchel: Oh yeah, totally. Girls touch my dick all the time and then they smell their hands. She’ll smell her fingers! They grab our dicks all the time and then they smell their fingers. I think it’s because they like the pheromones. Your balls have pheromones on them and then they’ll have testicle pheromone all over their hands.

Alex Obert: I heard about a certain individual that really digs Steel Panther. Why do you think Larry King picked you guys to go on his show?

Satchel: I think Larry King knows what the fuck kicks ass. He was like, “Dude, Steel Panther kicks fucking ass.” And even as old as Larry King is, because I think he’s like 106, he wants to get laid. It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you’ve got a dick and balls attached to you, you are gonna try and dip your wick. And Larry King, he might be old, but they make Cialis now and shit like that so you can get a boner whenever you want. Sometimes you can even keep a boner when a girl’s got bad breath, except that sucks. You’ve just gotta hold your breath and look down at her tits and watch your dick going into that vagina, then you’re good.

Alex Obert: You and Michael recently went on Twitter to discuss the fact that Eddie Trunk called Steel Panther a parody band. Why do you feel that he doesn’t truly understand the band?

Satchel: Well, I don’t think he’s ever listened to us because he’s too fuckin’ busy listening to Iced Earth or something. I heard him do a review on his show of If You Really Really Love Me. He reviewed the song, but then he admitted that he had never heard the song. How do you review a song you never fuckin’ heard? It’s fuckin’ ridiculous! I think he honestly might be a little jealous because we’re fuckin’ really good looking guys and Eddie has lost his hair a little bit and he’s a little bit chunky. And he sees how much pussy we’re gettin’, that’s what happens, jealousy is an ugly thing. You see somebody getting that much pussy and then he starts bagging on us because he’s jealous. It’s got nothing to do with the music, although if you’re gonna review our music, at least fuckin’ listen to the shit. I don’t care if somebody hates our band because if somebody hates our band, that just means they’re stupid.

Alex Obert: And you have many in the music and entertainment industry that love Steel Panther. What do you think of Corey Taylor being a longtime supporter of the band?

Satchel: Corey kicks fuckin’ ass, bro. That guy is super talented and he’s super smart, which is obvious because he likes Steel Panther. And he fuckin’ sings great live all the time. I’ve never heard that guy sing bad live, he’s always awesome. I like Corey a lot, dude. He’s metal to the bone.

Alex Obert: What does it mean to you that you both performed on Rainbow in the Dark, which appeared on last year’s Dio tribute album? You both helped to preserve Dio’s legacy and memory with that.

Satchel: That was a big honor, man. I love Corey and it was killer to do that and be asked to do that. And I’m also a fuckin’ massive Dio fan, like everybody is. Rainbow in the Dark was probably Dio’s most popular solo song. And I thought we all kicked ass on it, everybody played great on it and Corey sang great on it. I thought my solo fuckin’ ripped and it all came out great. Everybody played great. I was honored to be a part of it.

Alex Obert: It feels as though there is a severe lack of bands today where you can easily identify every member. You guys were talking about Maroon 5 with Larry King and how most only know who the singer is. Even with certain hard rock and metal acts today, it feels like they tend to be marketed as a lead singer with anonymous musicians, even though they go by a band name.

Satchel: I’m so old, I remember when you always knew who was in the band and who did what. I think that that’s one of the things that appeals to a lot of people about Steel Panther, you can look at anybody in the band at our show and had a good time because we’re all performers and we’re all having a great time. It’s not just about playing good, it’s about fuckin’ rocking and putting on a show. It’s kind of like when KISS came out and I was in my late twenties, I was like, “Fuck, dude! These guys, they’re all fun to look at!” It’s cool to connect with your favorite guy. It’s more than just music, it’s entertainment and it’s visuals, all of that shit really matters. Plus it’s cool to have a cool name. People don’t wanna go, “Dude! I love that fuckin’ drummer Bob Smith! He’s great!” Fuck that, you’ve gotta have a cooler name. If your name is Bob Smith and you’re in a band, you have to change your name to Razorface. “Dude, that drummer Razorface, he’s awesome!”

Alex Obert: A band like Avenged Sevenfold definitely understands it.

Satchel: Totally, dude! Fuck yeah! Look at Slipknot, dude, everybody’s fuckin’ all got their own fuckin’ thing going on.

Alex Obert: So there’s been a lot of success for All You Can Eat. What are some song topics floating around in your head for the next record?

Satchel: I’ve got a lot of ideas right now, a couple songs are finished. We actually recorded a couple already. We’ve been going to Australia a lot and I wrote a song called Poontang Boomerang. You know how when you try to break up with a bitch after you fuck her and she always comes back? It’s about that. Some girls, you can’t get rid of them. And the girl doesn’t have to be Australian to be a boomerang, but it helps.

Alex Obert: Before we wrap up, what do you have to say to those who are about to join Steel Panther on this tour?

Satchel: Get ready to have your fuckin’ tits and your balls rocked off. If you have tits and balls at the same time, that’s fuckin’ crazy! But get ready to have ’em rocked off! We are at the top of our game and ready to party. Bring your cocaine cause we are gonna snort it all off your fuckin’ dick. Wait…no, wait. We’re gonna snort it off your tits. We’re not gonna snort it off your dick.

Alex Obert: Fun stuff! I’d love to thank you for your time and a great interview.

Satchel: Hell yeah, dude!

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Photo by David Jackson