B

irmingham? One of the saddest of American cities?

Say it ain't so.

Say it ain't so sad.

Men's Health Magazine used a stew of statistics -- suicides, unemployment and anti-depressant use -- to cook up a list of U.S.

Birmingham ranks 94th out of 100, cheerier only than St. Louis, Louisville, Ky., Tampa, Memphis, Detroit and St. Petersburg, Fla.

I know what you're thinking:

We're only as sad as St. Louis? Awesome! They just won a championship!

Clearly, Men's Health doesn't know the things that make cities like ours happy: Championships; political indictments; being the best at

anything

.

It sees only a suicidal, out-of-work town hunkered deep in the depths of depression, a town beset by tornadoes and laid bare by the nation's largest county bankruptcy. Perhaps we have lost a little of our steel-belted swagger, but that doesn't have to give us municipal melancholy.

No. Men's Health can't know the joy of all those indictments that swept our courthouse clean. It can't feel our satisfaction when the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, as it did this week,

the old Jefferson County could serve as a dictionary illustration for the word "kleptocracy," a government characterized by rampant greed and corruption.

They get us. They really get us.

Yes, it may be true that we have more characters than character. But it's also true that we've seen enough misery to find joy in the midst of it -- even if it comes at the expense of others. When most scorned, we look at those who fare better than we. If only to point out their flaws.

So let's take a good hard look at Men's Health's five most "blues-proof" cities, where all are happy, alert and employed.

Honolulu

. It's easy to be blues-proof when your average high and low temps are both in the 70s. But Honolulu, for all its pois and leis, is not so different from us. Turns out water rates there will double by 2015. They'll average about $80 a month for water alone. That's higher than ours. On an island.

Manchester, N.H

. OK, Manchester is a good news place. The top stories there Tuesday -- from TV's WMUR -- featured bystanders leaping to help a woman whose purse was snatched at the mall, and Christmas tree farms giving trees to military families. I mean, gag me with the news. Imagine the boredom of life without dysfunction and ...

kleptocracy

. Need I remind you former Rep. Terry Spicer is going to jail for taking bribes? That, in Alabama, is worth a smile.

Fargo, N.D.

They get 41 inches of snow a year. Period. I could be chipper under 3 feet of snow. But it would take a wood chipper.

Omaha, Neb.

OK. My research uncovered a cooler Omaha than predicted. Now that really makes me sad.

Boston.

Ah, Boston. Now we're back in business. We know about the Curse of the Bambino, the pedophile priests and all those beans. But who knew Boston also had bed bug infestations near "epidemic levels?" The Boston Herald has said the pests cause so much embarrassment that de-buggers show up for battle in exclusive suburbs in plain, unmarked vans.

Now that ought to cheer us up. I mean, what pestilence would you prefer, kleptocracy or bed bugs?

Give me Larry Langford any day.

John Archibald's column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write him at

jarchibald@bhamnews.com.