HOUSTON—Insistent that the planet is far chubbier than scientists have let on, members of the increasingly prominent “fat-Earther” movement reportedly believe that the planet is roughly 2.4 quintillion pounds overweight, sources said Tuesday. “All these so-called ‘experts’ are full of shit—just look out your window and you’ll see the bulging rolls of planetary fat blocking out the horizon,” said Dustin Pollock, who runs a 24,000-member Facebook group dedicated to “spreading the truth about the chunkster known as Earth.” “Sure, pictures taken from space make the planet look a lot slimmer, but you’d be surprised what you can do with different lenses and camera angles. In reality, the bulk around the equator is fucking huge.” Pollock added that if the observable evidence isn’t enough, global warming is proof that Earth is a sweaty, disgusting mess.

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