Dear Shitty Parents,

In what world is it alright to ball up a diaper that is full of baby poop and leave it on the table of a restaurant? Forgive my naivety, for I don’t have children of my own, but that seems like just about the most wrong thing a parent could do. Again, this is coming from someone without kids, so maybe you can explain it to me. I have heard that having a newborn can really do some damage to your sleep pattern, so maybe you were mentally exhausted and realized not what you were doing. But I doubt it. It seems more likely that you are an inconsiderate piece of garbage who went to have a meal in a Colorado resort town and were too lazy to carry a diaper to the restroom and figured that your waitress wouldn’t mind cleaning it up.

Well, guess what. She did mind. I know for a fact that the waitress was not okay with. In fact, I think her exact words were “I was pissed.”

As new parents, I would expect that you would want your child to grow up to be a responsible and respected member of society. In order for that to happen, you have to be a role model for that behavior. Leaving goddamn dirty diapers on a restaurant table is not the way to be a role model. Sure, the baby may be too young to fully understand its surroundings, but when are you going to start being a decent person?

“Hey, Mabel? That thar baby is almost ten-years-old now. Maybe we better start acting like decent people when we eat out, ya think?”

“Oh, Earl, what does it matter? As long as we tell her how to behave, she’ll figure it out. Now shut-up and help me put these jelly packets into my purse. They’s free!”

I hope these parents see this letter and realize the error of their shitty ways. The server who sent me this photo asked me not to divulge the name of the restaurant, for she does not want to get in trouble. All I can say is this: if you went to a Colorado resort town last week and your child took a big stinky crap while you were stuffing your pie holes and you changed the diaper at the table and then left the diaper on the table, this letter is about you. And you suck at parenting. Just because you can drop a seed onto an egg and then grow a baby does not make you fit to be a parent. Try harder, assholes.

Mustard and mayo,

The Bitchy Waiter