WASHINGTON—Following one of the finest and most widely praised weeks in the history of The Onion, a new study published today found that the trusted news outlet has never been more popular, more admired, or more respected among Americans, with record numbers of readers saying the last five or six days in particular constitute a veritable high watermark for the company. “I love The Onion’s reporting now more than ever, especially their social media presence and live coverage of events, and I can’t think of anything that has happened recently that would make me think they are anything but flawless and beyond reproach,” said Onion reader James Harte, echoing the opinion of 311 million Americans who ranked the paper above all other news outlets in areas such as fairness and credibility, and who said they are unable to recall a single instance, particularly recently, in which they’ve ever been displeased with anything The Onion has said or done. “And even if they were to experience a crucial misstep—which I doubt would ever happen—I would absolutely still have their backs. After all, The Onion is a 248-year-old institution with a history of spotless reportage, and nothing can tarnish that.” At press time, the editorial staff of The Onion had confirmed that they could not remember having a better week at work, nor could they remember ever having felt so happy in general with their lives, nor more content with the state of the world as a whole and their place in that world.

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