Why the fuck was I breached?

Did you just lose 100m customer SSNs because your root password was "password", you set an S3 bucket to public or you didn't patch a well known vulnerability for 8 months? Is the media and government chewing you out because of it? Worry not! Our free excuse generator will help you develop an air-tight breach statement in no time!

The fucking Russians used a 0-day exploit to breach our high security servers .

But we have since made everyone promise to be super super carefull , so it will never happen again.

Equifax already fucking used that one