The other night I was outside smoking a cigarette and I noticed something over by the bedroom window crawling around in and out of things. Well this is Florida so I figured it was just a lizard or frog or whatever. A few days passed by without incident, then I saw it. A fucking rat/mouse whatever, darted out from nowhere. I was filled with disgust. How could this be? My place is clean, the kind of clean that Adderall makes you obsess about. All I knew was this fucker had to die.

I went out and bought mouse traps, feeling completely ashamed, hoping that the cashier would think I was using them for a prank or science project. I put them out but all that would happen was the trap would go off little bastard would run away after eating the peanut butter. This was not acceptable. Those are the same fucking things that caused the plague and I’m sure as hell dying from that. This must be dealt with swiftly and with a fist made of so much iron that all of nature would fear me. But what to do? How do you torture a rat or make them die the worst, most painful death possible? Furthermore, can you even send the message of a brutal dictator to a rodent?

The next few days, I tried traps, poison, I even constructed a gas chamber that knocked a cup of bleach into a cup of ammonia and trapped the fucking thing but I got nothing. Then it came to me, “I should ask PETA the most humane way to deal with this.” I emailed them around 5pm and was shocked at the turn around time. I mean like in two minutes they were begging me to use a live trap and set it free in the wild. What came next is exactly what I wanted and why I emailed them in the first place. (I’m shady and amazing at tricking people like that.) “Whatever you do, don’t feed them anything that is carbonated!! Rats don’t have the ability to burp and their insides will burst” I rushed out immediately and bought Pop-Rocks, Alka Seltzer and soda candy. That night I mixed all that stuff together with some peanut butter and some tiny pieces of broken glass for good measure. The next morning I found three dead bloody rats and haven’t seen another one since.

Thank you PETA!!! I couldn’t have killed them without you!!