Washington DC— In a rare move, the House of Representatives and the US Senate passed sweeping legislation yesterday, that the President has already signed, authorizing the purchase of “assault-style” rifles and handguns from the American citizenry. The first so-called “buy back” was attempted by Allen Hampton this morning in Rocklin, CA. Allen had recently inherited his late father’s AR-15. Because California state law requires all private party gun sales occur through an authorized broker, NorCal Gun Club acted as the intermediary.

After a short but thorough investigation, it was determined the US Government has a history of violence and mental instability. The investigation concluded that the government was a big risk to everyone around it, so ultimately failed the background check.

“I’m flummoxed,” said Hampton, who says he was just looking to do the right thing. “I just want to get this evil assault weapon out of my house. I mean, it looks so scary. Like it could shoot someone at any moment without any warning whatsoever.”

The US Government is vowing to appeal the failed background check, and must wait until the appeals process runs its course before attempting to purchase another gun.