Subtle Alternatives

Coming out of retirement to make a quick post about subtle alternatives. The tone of this post may be different from previous ones as it’s been half a decade and I’m in a wildly different place - but it’s written with the memory of where I was and the acknowledgement that I’m lucky to be 4 years free of self harm. Hope it helps, and feel free to list your own subtle alternatives in the notes.

This website has a list of alternatives which include some that might work - like channeling emotion into cleaning or art, taking a long bath, massaging lotion into your legs or hands/arms (being mindful of hygienic care of any wounds you may have), or listening to music through headphones (whether you have it soft and soothing or loud to drown out thoughts).

The following list is from a larger article by mentalhealth.org.nz about self harm in general. It focuses on mental techniques that won’t be as obvious to someone you’re in close quarters with, or which you can describe as just you trying to be organised or healthy.

some other techniques I’ve previously used or have found online:

Do you need something else to focus on?

wear jewellery. rings can be twisted, bracelets can be sounds around your wrist, dangly earrings can be jingled or played with.

carry a small rock or plaything with you - if it has an interesting/smooth texture you can run it between your fingers or just roll it around your hands. Collecting rocks can also be very fun, as then you can pick one you’re in the mood for. plus, they’re free. just pick up a cool looking. who’s going to stop you? God Can’t. your rock now.

memorise a poem - this takes a frustrating amount of work and focus, but then afterwards you can pull that out at a gathering when you’re uncomfortable. aunt Betty wants to know why you didn’t go to church St Christmas? cause you were taking time to learn this sick poem.

on that note, if you’re at a gathering and getting overwhelmed, try pressing your forefinger and thumb of one hand into the gap between them on the other hand. the pain will be a distraction and it can be done unnoticeably with your hands in your lap. this is a last resort tactic that might bring a little immediate respite from your feelings and give you time to work on removing yourself from the situation to use another alternative.

Do you need something to channel energy/emotion into?

using a small pocket sketchbook or notepad, do a drawing. or maybe see if you can colour in the whole page with your pen. maybe try and make it into a really bad flipbook with stick figures. that notebook is yours to fill with Junk. you can’t mess it up because messing it up is what it’s there for.

make a very specific playlist- it can be for anything you want, but a fun option is picking a specific scene from a movie and seeing how many songs you can find that fit it. here’s a concept to start: songs that would make an elevator ride with a stranger you just tried to shut the doors on Even More Weird.

research binge: is there something that you’ve always wanted to know about but haven’t done it? learn how to braid, or find out who invented the horseshoe. start learning spanish on Duolingo, or try and find out why kangaroos are Like That. we have a realm of knowledge at out fingertips and it’s all very weird and distracting.

Do you need something that gives you an emotional reward or rush?

get a plant. research the kind of plant best for your room and the care levels you’re ready for. adding watering schedules into your calender/phone adds structure to your week, and watching your plant flourish rewards the research you did at the start

working out - though not exactly subtle, you can say that you just want to get strong. one favourite is using a filled water bottle or milk jug as a weight, making your muscles burn in a non harmful way. make sure not to over do it though!

find a tiny project to do, something you can do in an afternoon. this could be cleaning - wipe out the shower, or do one sink full of dishes. it could be finding a short story to read and think about. maybe you want to make a bookmark out of cardboard and paint. doing one small thing that feels productive can distract from urges and give you a positive feeling of accomplishment and progress for your day. even just pulling up the sheets on your bed is a good one.

make a hot beverage. now you have a warm drink that tastes nice and can be held in your bare palms for soothing warmth.

Note: these alternatives aren’t designed to be the only coping mechanism you use. I really do recommend trying to find a therapist who works for you if you’re able, or confiding in a trusted friend who can help you build up the support network you need to heal