CULLMAN, AL—Growing increasingly frustrated as he tried out different entry points on the fruit, local man Alex Overton struggled to pierce an orange peel with his fingernail Monday, all the while firmly under the impression that he could kill someone if he had to. “God, why won’t this dang thing come off?” said Overton, who is confident that he could take the life of another human being if circumstances ever necessitated it. “I seriously have no idea how I’m supposed to eat this. Maybe I have to get a knife or something.” At press time, Overton, who reportedly firmly believes that not only could he kill someone, but do so with his bare hands if given no other choice, was rushing to a sink to rinse out his eyes after being squirted by the orange’s juice.

Advertisement