SAGINAW, MI—Resolving to maintain his chastity until that one special couple comes along, local virgin Kyle Markley confirmed Friday he is saving himself for a kinky pair of lovers looking for a third to spice things up. “To me, sex is a sacred thing, and I don’t want to give up my purity until I know I’ve found the right two pervy little freaks who like to go around soliciting strangers for threesomes,” said Markley, adding that you only lose your virginity once, so you have to make sure it’s with a couple who gets off on deflowering young men as part of their fetish play. “I know the day will come when I finally read that Craigslist post of my dreams from ‘two fit fortysomethings looking for a cutie to share,’ but until then, I’m perfectly fine abstaining from sex altogether. Christianity teaches that true love waits, and I plan to wait until I’m with two people who are just dying to pass me back and forth like a fuckdoll all night.” At press time, sources reported that Markley was feeling nervous but spiritually rewarded while finally getting Eiffel Towered by a married couple.

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