By David Futrelle

Despite that whole “going their own way” thing, the mewling baby collective known as Men Going Their Own Way have a surprisingly large number of opinions about vaginas, and more than a few theories about what happens to vaginas when they are exposed to what MGTOWs consider too many different penises.

According to MGTOW Vagina Theory, too many penises turn a woman’s labia into something that looks like thin-sliced roast beef, and can stretch out vaginas to such a degree that having sex with an especially sexually active woman is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, metaphorically speaking.

Those who dissent from these theories are quickly corrected, not with actual proof that any of this is true (it’s not), but with biting sarcasm.

QED!

(If any of you have seen one of these baby-sized penises, let me know.)

But MGTOW Vagina Theorists aren’t content to simply rest on their laurels. No, they continue to come up with new theories about vaginas on a regular basis.

Consider this MGTOW theory I encountered for the first time today: Too many penises make vaginas not just flappy and loose but smelly as well.

Asked for the source of this information, Mr. Pimp Hand explained that the theory was based on “just my own mouth and sense of smell,” adding that

I’m quite the man whore and I have pretty refined ability to distinguish between a “good girl” and “party ho” (lots of different dicks) using various behavioural markers like body language, general attitude and gut feeling.

So there you have it. Thanks, MGTOW subreddit! Science marches on!

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