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Wife…..Molly Shannon

Husband…..Garth Brooks

Black Man in Rear of Theater…..Tracy Morgan

Angry Man…..Will Ferrell

Disturbed Man…..Jim Breuer

[ open on exterior, Loew’s Theatre presentation of “Sphere” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this.

Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote “Jurassic Park” wrote this.

Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent!

[ lights are lowered ]

Husband: Hey, it’s starting!

Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews.

Previews Jingle:

Thank you for coming to Loew’s.

Sit back and relax

and enjoy the show!

Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures..

[ Husband’s eyes widen in excitement as he watches the preview ]

In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life.

Husband: Ooh, this looks good!

Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn!

Previews Announcer: “The Fire King”.

Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I’m definitely going to see that one!

[ bouncy music surrounds next preview ]

Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She’s got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she’ll lose custody of her only son.

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Shelley Long is: “My Mom, The Mime”. Rated R.

Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made?

Wife: I know what you mean..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny!

Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie.

Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it’s starting.

Previews Jingle:

Thank you for coming to Loew’s.

Sit back and relax

20 more minutes of previews.

Wife: [ groans ] [ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “Twenty Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn’t have a badge or a gun, because he’s not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. “Not-a-Cop”.

Wife: Well, that should be about it..

Previews Jingle:

Thank you for coming to Loew’s.

You’ve been very patient

so here’s more previews!

Husband: Oh, come on!

Angry Man: Start the movie!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews!

Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left – to rock!

[ Music Pot: “Panama”, Van Halen ]

Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on!

Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. “Panama”.

Husband: Hey, look, it’s been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here?

Wife: Let’s go.

Husband: Come on.

[ stand up and race to exit doors ]

Previews Jingle:

Thank you for coming to Loew’s.

Don’t think about leaving

The doors are locked from the outside!

Husband: What?!

Wife: Come on, they can’t be serious..

Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It’s true! We’re locked in here!

Wife: Oh, my God!

Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He’s a puppet!

[ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Wife: You already used that song!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “Two Hours Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan – “Vendetta of Ganesh”. Starring Shelley Long.

Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I’m getting really thirsty..

Husband: My cell phone won’t work, either. They’re jamming it..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “The Next Day” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] [ Music Pot: “I Feel Good”, James Brown ]

Wife: Water! I need water!

Husband: I’m sorry, I’ve got some melted ice.

Wife: Please! Give it to me, then!

Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints!

Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch!

Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in “The Shelley Long Story”.

[ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ]

Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They’re tearing me apart!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew’s Theatre ] [ SUPER: “A Month Later” ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It’s been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane..

Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!!

Husband V/O: Still, the previews won’t stop..

Previews Jingle:

Thank you for coming to Loew’s.

Drink your urine and sleep

underneath your seats!

Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! He won’t stop smiling!

Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone!

Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man’s detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God..

Husband: What is it?

Disturbed Man: He’s got no lower half! He’s eaten his own legs!

[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ]

Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation.

[ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]

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