I've been baptized twice. The first time was as a little kid in church because my parents had yet to realize we all love sleeping in on Sundays more than we love pretending to be Christians. The second was two weeks ago at Taylor Swift's Reputation Stadium Tour at Metlife Stadium. It poured all night, and I emerged from the storm feeling reborn, rejuvenated, and very soggy.

The show featured a bounty of fun special effects like two-story flames shooting out of the stage, light-up bracelets that make colorful shapes in the crowd, and ginormous inflatable snakes sprouting from virtually every surface. But one special effect was particularly…special: that woman's ass expands and contracts practically on-beat with her songs.

Could it be like my lord and savior Taylor Swift wears a padded ass on stage?

Her new shape is amazing…but what is the truth?

Although she faced some criticism for a weight gain, her significantly-more-womanly figure is exactly what I'd give myself if I were designing my own Sim. Here she was looking incredibly thin during the 1989 era:

At the time, I remember thinking she looked really great. In hindsight, it makes me a little worried. But here she is now, firmly in the Reputation era and looking skrong and, most importantly, healthy and happy:

Una reina? [email protected] A post shared by ?TaylorSwift13? (@taylorswiftgorgeous13) on Jul 31, 2018 at 8:19am PDT

Bitch! Pop off! Taylor is serving, and we are eating! But this ass mystery (myasstery? No, that doesn't work) isn't really about her body. It's about her costumes, because that's the only time we see this puzzling ass shapeshifting happen.

Here she is rehearsing for tour, wearing her street clothes

First of all, please choke me with those thigh muscles, you know? Second of all, check out the booty in those shorts. Fantastic, sure, but by no means thicc or shelf-like. Just a standard-issue butt, like 98 percent of the white population has.

Now look at this video of her shaking it during her show

Looks distinctly different from Tay's off-duty booty, right? Here's another shot of her offstage for comparison with Shawn Mendez, who I think looks scarily like my little brother:

And here she is throwing that culo around to King of My Heart (a god-tier track, open your fucking eyes) just before her show's second act:

I think we can conclude yes, her costumes are padded

Obviously. And we can't begrudge her a fake ass because it's part of a costume, not something she's fastening to her hindquarters on a daily basis. There are 72,000 people at her shows, and the man-made ass is there for optics — like hair extensions or a bejeweled glove. It's all part of the pageantry that is a stadium show; like if I'm paying, let's saaaay $400 for tickets (which I definitely didn't do, why do you ask?), I want to see a spectacle. And Taylor Swift twerking to her own drum-machine-backed song that she hired 12 shirtless male percussionists to play on real drums in the pouring rain while I scream like someone's trying to abduct me if definitely a spectacle.

Are butt pads the next big (lol) thing?

So now that we've established that Concert Swift wears a fake ass so well-proportioned it we're starting to think she's got Aztec blood, we can examine its place in society. Because as you girlies all know, we live in a society.

Some say Taylor Swift has Aztec blood — dan (@Toxxanne) July 6, 2018

no we mean Taylor Guadalupe Hernandez Swift, who has Aztec blood, and who voted for Hillary. — omar (@OMIEPOP) July 16, 2018

WBK that big butts have been the deluxe body part for almost a decade now, and flat-assed girls and gays on my timeline have been trying everything under the sun to get grow one: thousands of squats, gainz, FaceTune and (in the case of oomf…) a butt-lift. But it's like we've learned nothing from the Victoria's Secret Era in which titties reigned supreme: just pad it!!! There's a reason the WonderBra was like, a billion-dollar invention. Who needs to pay Dr. Miami to slice open your buttcheeks when you could just put on some padded undies and hit the club like you're Born This Way? It's the Summer of Scamming, and this might be the ultimate con.

Here's how to get the Swift look

Before y'all call in a bomb threat to the babe office, I mean here's how to get the fake ass look –– I'm not calling her a pioneer in the Big Butt Movement. We all know that's reserved for Kylie Jenner. Just kidding 0:-).

Spanx, the #1 tool in any scammer's arsenal, sells this underwear contraption that not only hoists your booty meat up but also comes with a pocket to insert and remove padding:

There's this off-brand shaper that also gives you a lift. It looks like something Blac Chyna would wear to her daughter's christening, and I can't decide if that's a bonus or a deterrent:

Happy scamming, y'all! Tay-Tay's in good company.