FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT

COVID-19 hotspot Bondi Beach has finally been cleared thanks to the NSW Police Force’s new high-powered secret weapon: a megaphone connected to a Walkman playing a cassette of Creed’s ‘Arms Wide Open’.

Despite repeated requests to stay away from the iconic locations to prevent coronavirus transmission, Sydney’s Eastern suburbs beaches have still been plagued by tourists here for a good time, not a long time and residents who are simply too wealthy for the rules to apply to them.

Released in 1999 and immediately played to death by every single radio station on Earth, Arms Wide Open has been successfully driving hordes of terrified humans with ears from the beach since Operation Yellow started following the Easter long weekend.

“The original plan was to broadcast Coldplay’s terrible song Yellow” explained Task Force Commander Detective Superintendent Brent Lawson.

“I mean, the videoclip clearly shows Lead Singer Chris Martin successfully scaring every single person off a beach so we were sure we had a winner. Unfortunately, it took hours before we found anyone prepared to exchange perfectly good currency for a Coldplay album, and when we finally played it on the beach, everybody started crying or fell asleep. It was a disaster; we knew then that Creed was our last chance and luckily it has so far proven to be devastatingly effective”.

“Eww, what is this all about?” asked backpacker Ingrid as she hastily grabbed her towel to escape the scratchy onslaught. “

This music is banned in my country”.

Meanwhile, local Pet Acupuncturist Bernard Haettenschweiler-Bauhaus was forced to drop the leash of his pure-bred Pugmeranian, Terrance, to cover his ears when confronted with the aural onslaught.

“Ow” he was heard to say as he scurried away, “my freakin’ ears”.

