From meth-test evictions to mental health treatment, the impact of the last government is being felt across NZ. It is only a matter of time, suggests Danyl Mclauchlan until the National opposition launches a fund-raising campaign

In the wake of shocking revelations about Housing New Zealand’s meth testing evictions, a crumbling health service, surging numbers of homelessness and a mental health crisis, the National Party has announced plans for a benefit concert to aid those most affected by government policy over the last nine years.

“It’s clear that the government has made some terrible mistakes and it needs to apologise to those who’ve suffered,” National leader Simon Bridges stated in a press release announcing the concert. “But rather than get bogged down in a complicated discussion about precisely which government or, even less relevant, which specific individuals are responsible, we’re signalling our compassion for those in crisis. Regardless of who caused these multiple crises.

“It’s the right thing to do,” Bridges added. “And it’s important that people focus on that. I mean, who even remembers who the minister of economic development was this time a year ago?”

The concert, provisionally titled Building a Brighter Future to Forget the Extremely Recent Past will be a glittering and exclusive black tie affair, held at Sky City Casino and will include performances by the talented artists and celebrities who support the National Party and its vision for New Zealand, including broadcaster Mike Hosking, several members of the Country Calendar production team, broadcaster Kate Hawkesby, and several more.

“Most of the proceeds from the event will go towards the homeless,” explained National deputy leader Paula Bennett. “And that will show how deeply and compassionately we care about those who are suffering because of the policies of previous social development and associate housing ministers whose names are really irrelevant, at this point, right, yeah? I mean, let’s talk about what matters.”

The funds will not go directly to the victims of the policies. “They would only squander it on the thousands of dollars I assume a lotto ticket and a packet of cigarettes costs,” explained National finance spokesperson Amy Adams. “Instead it will be invested in a consolidated fund that will help people in need structure their financial assets to minimise tax liability.”

“If you give someone a fish,” Adam explained, “They’ll become dependent on your fish and make poor fish related choices in future. But if homeless families, disabled jobseekers deprived of their benefits and the untreated mentally ill can arrange for their law firm or personal accountant to access this fund then it will provide a revenue stream for them to access MBIE grants for research and capital expenditure. These are the real building blocks for wealth and prosperity in New Zealand.

“This terrible Labour government is borrowing and spending instead of raising funds in international markets and investing it in social services as we would do,” Adams said.

“And while they’re busy virtue-signalling we’re holding this benefit concert to publicly demonstrate our values. Let’s debate that, and not who turned our economy into a massive tax shelter and rigged corporate welfare shell game,’ Adams said, adding, “Why am I even saying that last part out loud?”

“It’s important not to play the blame game,” agreed Paula Bennett, who is deputy leader of National, a party that campaigns on fiscal and personal responsibility and who was paid a salary of approximately $360,000 for her role as associate minister of housing when the meth-testing scandal occurred, and who was a staunch advocate for the policy which wasted an estimated one hundred million dollars of taxpayer money and evicted families and the elderly and prosecuted them in the tenancy tribunal and inflicted massive fines on the most vulnerable members of society and literally ruined many lives for what turns out to be absolutely no reason and will suffer no consequences whatsoever.

“What’s important is that we’re seen to be compassionate and caring. It is literally the least we can do.”

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