Karan Johar: It’s been a while since we had steaming cups of coffee together. But now, I am back. Back with the movie stars, families, friends, celebrities (smiles at Sagarika), newbies and the wannabes (looks at Rajdeep).

Karan Johar: Let the fun and games begin. My guests tonight are possibly the most trolled News Anchor couple in the country. Their tremendous trollable credentials and their troll base are as important to them as the TRPs. Please welcome the superstar who wears his heart on his sleeve and his superstar wife who wears her heart on her slee…erm, on her sleeveless bl…erm, somewhere only God knows.

Karan Johar: They are none other than Rajdeep Sardesai and Sagarika Ghose!

Sagarika (walking down the stairs): What is this yaar, Karan? Your flush is not working. Rajdeep ne sab ganda kar diya!

Rajdeep bites his hand and pretends he did not hear that. Karan smiles uncomfortably, like only Karan can.

Sagarika: But I like the poster of Jhansi Lakshmi Bai in your bedroom. For a second, I thought I was looking into the mirror. You have good taste, Karan.

An embarrassed Rajdeep waves to some imaginary member in the studio to keep himself busy. No one waves back from the crowd.

Karan goes for an air-kiss with Sagarika but ends up with a large red lipstick mark on his cheek. He then tries to kiss Rajdeep on the cheek but they get into an awkward tangle and Karan ends up kissing Rajdeep on his big eyes.

The three settle on their respective couches and after Karan gets the mandatory ‘You are looking fabulous’ out of the way…

Karan: So Sagarika, you recently controversially called a Supreme Court judge, “a crackpot“?

Sagarika: Yes, Karan. I truly believe in individual rights. What happens consensually in the bedrooms of people is no one else’s business.

Karan: I agree with you, Sagarika.

Sagarika: The point is, Karan, men like you should be able to sleep with other men without being seen as a criminal.

Karan (stunned): WHOA! What?

Sagarika: What I am trying to say is that just because Karan Johar is gay doesn’t mean he is a criminal. (Rajdeep taps her to calm down but gets kicked on the shins.)

Karan’s left eyebrow goes up so high it clears his forehead.

Karan: WHOA! WHOA! Hold on, Darling, who said I was gay?

Sagarika: Come on, Karan. It is OK to be gay. (Raising her clenched fists) I am with you on this. That’s what I am fighting for.

Now Karan’s right eyebrow shoots way above his forehead.

Karan: Whoa! Dafuq is this, ya? Did I ever say I am gay? DID I?

Sagarika: Don’t get angry at me, Karan. I am not your enemy. I am fighting for your rights. Calm down.

Karan looks at Rajdeep. Rajdeep starts pretending as if tying his shoe laces. Karan turns to the camera and informs the viewers that he never said he was gay.

Karan: FML! Anyway, let’s get on with this.

After a brief inane conversation, they move on to the rapidfire rounds.

———-

Karan: We now move on to the rapidfire round where I put of series of questions to you. Whoever answers well and honestly will win a lovely gift hamper. Rajdeep, let’s start with you.

Karan: Do Indian men owe their women an orgasm? (laughs)

Rajdeep looks gobsmacked.

Karan: Hahaha, sorry Rajdeep, darling, that wasn’t part of the quiz.

Karan (turning to viewers): I am just having some fun here. “Do Indian Men owe their women an orgasm?” is actually an article written by none other than Sagarika Ghose.

Karan (turns back to Rajdeep): Let’s continue. Is the Congress’ attempt to ban opinion polls anti-democratic?

Rajdeep (mouths ‘duh’): Yes

Karan: Is Communal brand of politics dangerous for Hindu-Muslim relations?

Rajdeep (rolls his eyes): Yes

Karan: Is internal inquiry an eyewash when charge is sexual assault?

Rajdeep (frowns at the easy questions): Yes!

Karan: Is the SC judgement ruling gay sex to be illegal, regressive?

Rajdeep (now getting agitated): Yes, Yes!

Karan: The communal violence bill: will it divide communities?

Rajdeep (loses it completely): F*ck, Yes! What the F*CK is this, Karan? What kind of DumbF*Ck questions are these? Are you insulting my intelligence?

Karan: Hahaha! Rajdeep darling, they are from your own tweets of your show. (Karan displays Rajdeep’s tweets on the screen) Hahahaha, you are so silly!

Rajdeep opens and closes his mouth, struggling for words, then reaches for his coffee mug and sips at his Old Monk.

————-

Karan: Okay! Moving on! If you were gay for one man, who would that be?

Rajdeep: Nobo..

Sagarika (jumps in): Yogendra Yadav. Definitely Yogendra Yadav

Karan (raising his eyebrow): Oooh! Okay

Rajdeep: But baby, that’s not what I wa..

Sagarika: Shut up ya, Rajdeep.

Karan (with a wicked smile): Okayyy. If you were gay for two men, who would the second one be?

Rajdeep pleadingly signals Karan to end his suffering and pleads Sagarika not to answer for him. Karan smiles and obliges.

———-

Karan: Okayyyy! (giggles) Well, I guess it was the best I could expect from you anyway, Rajdeep. I mean, let’s face it, you are the not exactly a very entertaining personality.

Now it’s your turn Sagarika. Here’s your first question (fiddles with his Samsung tablet)

Karan: On a scale of 1-10, rate the following. The TV show “Face the People”

Sagarika: 11.

Karan: I said on a scale of 1-10, darling.

Sagarika: Shut up ya, Karan.

Karan: Okayyy…the “Newshour”

Rajdeep, out of habit, jumps in and shouts “Sense over sensationalism”, “News over Noise” and gets scolded by both Karan and Sagarika. Sulking, he returns to his coffee cup.

Karan: The “Newshour”.

Sagarika: Minus 1.

Karan: Darling, I really don’t think you get a hang of rating on a scale of 1-10.

Sagarika: Shut up ya, Karan.

Karan: George Clooney.

Sagarika: 100.

Karan: Ok. THAT I agree with.(Karan’s eyes glaze over, a wistful smile on his face, and for a brief moment he appears lost in thought. The producers quickly call for a commercial break)

———

Karan (after the break): In whose bedroom would you find the following things…

Karan: A broom?

Sagarika: Rahul Kanwal.

Karan: Poster of Sonia Gandhi.

Sagarika: Pronoy Roy.

Karan: Mirror on the ceiling.

Sagarika: Barkha. Actually, that mirror also has “Who’s the best? You are the best” written on it.

Karan gives a wicked smile, like only Karan can.

Karan: Handcuffs.

Sagarika: Arnab. Most definitely Arnab.

Karan: Life-size poster of themselves.

Sagarika: Barkha, again. Actually, mine too.

————

Karan: Which movie title would you associate with the following:

Karan: NDTV

Sagarika: A fistful of Dollars

Karan: Times Now

Sagarika: The Dark Knight

Karan: Headlines Today

Sagarika: The Avengers

Karan: CNN-IBN

Sagarika: Dead Poets’ Society

Karan: DD

Sagarika: No country for Old Men

Karan (to Sagarika): Well done, Sagarika darling. You were every bit as charming, captivating and bold as one would expect you to be.

Karan (turning to his viewers): Well folks, that was breezy and fun. I think we can all agree that Sagarika Ghose is clearly the winner for not only answering her questions but also those of Rajdeep’s.

The show ends with Sagarika signing her coffee mug with her red lipstick. Rajdeep, however, refuses to part with his mug, takes another sip from it, and stumbles out of the studio.

Fade Out.