A relative of mine believes that Angela Merkel was created from the frozen semen of Adolf Hitler in a secret Soviet laboratory, nine years after the end of the Second World War. Further, that the European Union itself is the creation of Satan and his infernal imps, an assertion she does not expect to be taken metaphorically.

She has enjoined me, via a series of text messages — always marked “URGENT!!!” — to share these revelations with you, so you vote the right way on June 23. There we are then, love: job done. Incidentally, these messages often refer to a document called the “Mass Trick Treaty” and insist that Jesus Christ, had he been alive on earth in 1992, definitely would not have signed