And here, for early birds and completists, is the pre-pre-match gubbins ...

We've got Paul Hayward on Carlo Ancelotti's Italian job at Chelsea; Richard Williams on today's red and blue rivalry; Tim Rich on why Darren Fletcher is the new Roy Keane; and Daniel Taylor's analysis of United's diminished defence.

"The emphasis on Rio Ferdinand's troubled form faded last Tuesday when United looked even more vulnerable without him during the 3-3 draw with CSKA Moscow. It seems that he will be missing again with back trouble just when solidity at the heart of the defence will be critical.

"The visitors must find others to check Didier Drogba, who has verged on the uncontainable for Chelsea this season, scoring nine goals in his last nine appearances in all competitions." Kevin McCarra

Match pointers

• Manchester United average 1.29 points per game in the Premier League against Chelsea, fewer than against any other side

• Chelsea have not been beaten at home by United in the Premier League since losing 3-0 in April 2002

• Five of Dimitar Berbatov's last six league goals have come between the 51st and 62nd minute

• Chelsea are one defeat away from 150 in the Premier League era

• Sir Alex Ferguson has lost three of his four meetings with Carlo Ancelotti as a manager

The Department of Entertaining Irrelevance

OK, so almost two million people have seen this already, so I'm not exactly shattering a world exclusive here, and it doesn't have a whole lot to do with this afternoon's Premier League six-pointer, but if we see any defending that holds a candle to this today we'll be in for a tasty afternoon. Incidentally, I interviewed "ESPN soccer analyst" Julie Foudy once. She was very nice.

Less nice is Elizabeth Lambert, star of this here video, who since it took America by storm (perhaps a better, and certainly better-quality, highlights package of her fouling rampage) has been suspended indefinitely by her team. "This is in no way indicative of my character or the soccer player that I am," she said in a grovelling apology. "There is no way to defend her actions," says her university vice-president for athletics.

Cast your votes now!

3.30pm Here are today's teams!

Chelsea: Cech, Ivanovic, Carvalho, Terry, Ashley Cole, Essien,

Lampard, Ballack, Deco, Drogba, Anelka. Subs: Hilario, Joe Cole, Mikel, Malouda, Paulo Ferreira, Kalou, Alex.

Man Utd: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Brown, Jonathan Evans, Evra,

Fletcher, Carrick, Anderson, Valencia, Rooney, Giggs. Subs: Kuszczak, Owen, Vidic, Scholes, Fabio Da Silva, Obertan, Gibson.

Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)

3.40pm update Somehow, one gets the impression that this hasn't been a very good day for John Terry, whose father provided this morning's News of the World with their front page scoop. The England skipper and committed family man, in case you've foolishly forgotten, was named Dad of the Year back in June by no less a body than some PR people representing "great value brown sauce" brand Daddies Sauce. Presumably he picked up his responsible parenting skills from Frank Lampard.

3.50pm update The Elizabeth Lambert horror-show (see below) has got the email inbox ticking over nicely. "That youtube clip of the female Vinnie Jones has all the hallmarks of a set-up in the hope of getting Hollywood interested and building a second career. Just like ... er ... Vinnie Jones," writes Gary Naylor.

3.53 update Someone called Martin, who either has "a source" on the inside or an active imagination, writes: "One of my nephews who hopefully will start today's game for Man U (he shall remain nameless) was asked by me a few weeks ago what was their secret to beating Chelski today ... to which he replied 'If Johnny gets a start and can remember to remind Didier again what he caught while celebrating during the African Nations cup in 2007 ... that always unsettles him ... then we have a chance ... lol..true story ... needless to say I am a man U fan"

3.55pm The United team are limbering up in the tunnel ... on their own. No sign of the boys in blue.

3.59pm Chelsea having turned up to the party, they're on the pitch (but going to form a guard of honour for various current and former members of Britain's armed services, with it being Remembrance Sunday, before they do any ball-kicking).

1min: Peeeep! A minute's silence having been dutifully respected, they're off.

2mins: Some smart-arse is refusing to return the ball so John O'Shea can take a throw-in.

4mins: Smart turn and run from midfield by Deco, but his through-ball to Anelka is cut out. "Just read that News of the World article," writes Brian Johnston. "Solves the mystery about where Adrian Mutu was getting his goods from."

5mins: Ivanovic gets into the penalty area down the right and, after his low cross bounces back to him, he shoots low and hard from an acute angle, and Van der Sar saves easily. Some kind of pull-back might have been a better option.

8mins: Wayne Rooney is played in and the flag goes up, with the striker entirely on his own and clean through, 30 yards from the nearest outfield player and 20 yards from goal. But Ashley Cole, on the near side, is clearly playing him onside. Bad – and crucial – decision.

11mins: Rooney-related refereeing error latest: Rooney turns sharply and shoots wide, but the referee unaccountably gives a corner, seeing a deflection off Carvelho that no number of slow-mo replays can convince me of.

14mins: Valencia seems to be going past Terry when both go down, in United's penalty area. Nothing's given. "At best it's clumsy," says Andy Gray (though I think I'm with the referee on this one)

16mins: United have definitely had the better of the first quarter-hour. Valencia v Cole on the right flank seems the key battle. At the moment it's looking easier for Valencia to escape from Cole than the other way round (the Ecuadorian is doing a pretty good marking job when Chelsea attack).

18mins: Ballack sends in a cross and Drogba heads it back across goal, but wide. Decent chance, Should Have Done Better (SHDB, for short).

20mins: Valencia could have played O'Shea clean though on goal, but instead he bashes a 30-yarder over the bar.

22mins: "Are Man U the new Chelsea," asks Bill Chilton. "Keeping it tight, dull functional football, probably going to win 1-0..." (I take your point, but Chelsea's last Premier League 1-0: April)

26mins: Brown clears into touch as he heads back towards goal and Droba breathes down his neck. It's a corner ... but the referee gives United a free-kick instead. To this moment, I have no idea why.

27 mins: Brown challenges Drogba for the ball 27 yards out (roughly). Nothing in it, but Drogba goes down and wins the free-kick. It appears I'm destined to disagree with every single refereeing decision today.

29mins: So I guess this is the first proper, clear chance. Fletcher loops a long ball towards the edge of Chelsea's penalty area, Cech half-comes, Giggs gets there first and tries to volley it over the keeper. Tough, with the ball really travelling, but on target and it's in. It goes over.

32mins: Anelka cross-shot from the corner of the penalty area pushed away by Van der Sar. Drogba, running to the near post, wasn't far away from a killer touch. Chelsea's first decent attacking moment.

34mins: "You don't seem very convinced by the ref's decisions," writes Robin Hazlehurst, "but maybe he knows he'll be berated by Ferguson even if he is perfect, so in for a penny in for a pound he might as well have some fun along the way with some wacky whistle-blowing." If that's what's going through the referee's mind he is a) mad, and b) my kinda guy.

35mins: United were pretty great for half an hour but it's got a bit sloppy at both ends these last few minutes... as I write that Rooney gives the ball to Giggs, who pass rolls out of play rather than into the path of the onrushing Anderson.

36mins: Poor Anderson. Rooney gets the ball on the left, Anderson's on his own in the middle. Rooney doesn't cross to him, or pass to Velencia, well placed 20 yards out, opting instead to burst into the penalty area and bosh the ball into John Terry's legs.

39mins: Nicolas Anelka bursts from midfield into space, the ball's slid through ... and Wayne Rooney's the player who tracked the Frenchman's run. Sometimes the kid is just awesome. Terry's rolling around in pain at the moment, having jumped into Ashley Cole and hit his head on the pitch.

42mins: For the first time, Chelsea attack with genuine menace, getting five men forward in a speedy attack, but in the end the cross isn't very good for anyone, Ballack attempting some kind of backheel volley that doesn't come off.

43mins: "0-0 all over it," says Michael Hatcher. "I turned over from The Wizard of Oz for this? Well yes, but also because you've seen in 25 times and if you snub the potential magnificence of live top-level sport to see it again and miss anything good you'd never forgive yourself (and nor should you).

45mins: Ludicrous what on earth are you thinking shot of the day: Drogba, on the right edge of the penalty area and with the angle against him but with a couple of team-mates in support, lashes a shot crazy wide and stupid high.

Half-time: The whistle goes. United have had the best of it, but the last quarter-hour was anybody's. Or nobody's, to be more precise.

Post-slow-mo update: That early (14mins) United penalty shout which was the only major refereeing decision I agreed with: I was wrong (and so was the ref). Some serious shirt-tugging proved by the side-on camera angle.

46mins: Peeeeep! They're off! Again!

47mins: "So is Wes Bron going to stand in for Rio in South Africa next summer too?" writes Ian Fielding. Well, Don Fabio's watching and there have been no major slip-ups yet. Rooney tees up Fletcher, 20-odd yards out, perfect pass, he doesn't have to break stride, but the shot is ballooned over the bar.

48mins: Ryan Giggs gets the ball on the edge of the area, but he almost has too much time to decide what to do and he chips a hopeless cross-type thing into uselessness.

50mins: "To Martin Atkinson's credit we've hardly mentioned his name," says the commentator glowingly of the referee who, other than denying Manchester United two clear goalscoring opportunities and making countless other useless decisions, had a pretty good first half I reckon.

53mins: Carrick and Fletcher are basically owning the midfield here. Chelsea can attack down the flanks if they like, but they're getting no change in the middle (he writes, as Ivanovic cuts inside and wins a dangerous free-kick, though he was tackled by Ryan Giggs).

55mins: Drogba thumps the free-kick into the wall and rolls the rebound out of play.

58mins: The first booking, for Ivanovic (who got the ball before he got Giggs, and didn't really get Giggs so badly – another one for the referee's debit column).

59mins: Good little move for United ends with Fletcher working a good shooting chance on the edge of the penalty area. Carvalho brilliantly blocks the Scotsman's shot before it can sail harmlessly over the bar.

60mins: Joe Cole – it's his 28th birthday today, by the way – is about to come on.

63mins: ...no really, he really is... (Giggs just headed O'Shea's cross over the bar from 15 yards).

63mins: ... And now he has, for Deco. Talking of whom: "In lieu of any magnificent top-level sport to report," writes Michael Hatcher, "a question: when did Deco jump his shark?" Anyone got any idea a) what the question means, or b) what the answer is?

66mins: There seems to be a bit of niggle working its way into this one. They're one tiny incident away from a full-on brawl (he said, optimistically). Rooney just pulled a shot just wide when well-placed, 18 yards out.

68mins: Ooooh! Rooney tries a curler, 25 yards out, which Cech pushes theatrically round the post.

69mins: Another great block from Carvalho, to stop Rooney's shot at source. United have been excellent today, they really have. It would be ironic though if these two big clubs, having failed to keep clean sheets against all the rubbish little sides they so annoyingly still have to play every week, finally succeed against each other.

72mins: Drogba is writhing comically after Evans (accidentally, while jumping) kicked him in the chest really hard. Now, jumping the shark. "The reference is to the TV show Happy Days." writes Matthew Carpenter-Arevalo. "In one episode Fons jumps a shark on water skis, representing the fact that the television show had run out of ideas and was reaching new lows. I'd say that Deco jumped his shark some time before leaving Barcelona, which was why Pep Guardiola happily sent him off to Chelsea while trying to disguise his grin."

74mins: Drogba has been booked. Don't ask me why. Ray Wilkins currently having a go at the fourth official.

76mins: GOAL! Chelsea 1 Man Utd 0 (Terry) Frank Lampard's left-wing free-kick, Terry's header (maybe his shoulder), and Chelsea take the lead a) against the run of play; b) from a free-kick given against Fletcher for winning the ball pretty cleanly. Controversyometer shoots to 10. Rooney gets booked for protesting.

79mins: Seriously, punch-ups any minute now. There are some very angry United players out there.

80mins: The referee has totally jumped the shark today.

81mins: Here we go! Well, no punching, just a bit of posturing. Carvalho gave away a free-kick but just kept on running with the ball until Evans brought him down with a terrible tackle from behind. Carvalho rolls around, everyone runs to the spot and when they get there they ... just stand around a bit ... and then go back to wherever they were. Evans and Carvalho both booked.

83mins: Kalou comes on for Drogba. Sky reckon Drobga was offside and trying to influence play for the goal, and had possibly fouled his marker as well.

85mins: Giggs and Anderson come off for Obertan and Owen as United chase a goal.

85mins: This referee, incidentally, is the one who gave United unlimited stoppage time in which to beat Manchester City earlier this season.

88mins: Apparently not only has someone jumped the shark, but someone else has brushed his teeth. Jonny Mac writes: "Anyone else see the guy in the crowd cleaning his teeth? Who takes a tooth-brush to the ground? Could catch on." Anyone else spot this guy, apparently behind the Chelsea dug-out?

89mins: Valencia, who's been excellent as well, booked for a foul on Lampard.

90mins: We'll be having five minutes' stoppage time!

90+1mins: Someone else spotted the tooth-brusher – Nigel Mitchell! So it's official (kind of)!

90+2mins: Kind of like the Chelsea goal, a set-piece (Valencia's corner), a centre-back's header (Evans) – but it goes wide.

90+3mins: O'Shea's cross hits Lampard's arm, exactly the same as Lescott yesterday, who gave away a penalty. This time the ref waves play on (it would only have been a free-kick though). Alex comes on for Anelka.

90+5mins: It's all over! Chelsea 1 Manchester United 0! Total injustice! But Sir Alex has slagged referees off so often and so stupidly, no one will take it seriously if he does it again here. He's the boy who cried wolf.

Final thoughts: Firstly, loads of people saw this toothbrushing bloke. "The game was so dull, it made his mouth dirty," was Tom Mitchell's take. "Five minutes' stoppage time should be enough for him to shave as well," adds Alan Sekers.

Secondly – and I should make it clear that I don't support United, or any Premier League team for that matter – a truly unjust result. Nothing much was made of the early offside decision that denied Rooney an easy chance, but that and the penalty were two game-changing decisions that the referee (and his team) got wrong. He got most other decisions wrong too. I'm not sure about the free-kick that led to the goal – I was typing when it happened – but Fletcher did get the ball, and Martin Atkinson got everything else wrong, so I guess that's the way I'm leaning. United played really well, did 70% of the attacking, had the game's outstanding players in Fletcher, Carrick and Valencia and simply shouldn't have been beaten. (And Anelka won the man of the match award – another unjust decision!)

(Incidentally, Drogba wasn't offside for the goal, which Anelka reckons was actually his – one for the dubious goals committee, though Jamie Redknapp would give it to the Frenchman and so would I, if only for fantasy league reasons)

So there you go. Bad luck United, but swings and roundabouts and all that, eh?

Did he really say that department: "Manchester United will be delighted," says Jamie Redknapp, "apart from losing the game." Wrong. United will be absolutely incandescent.

Guess which manager this is department: "The referee ... totally ridiculous position ... he couldn't see it ... you lose faith in referees sometimes ... you do need a break and we never got the break."

Genuinely final thoughts: Sorry for those who think I'm making too much of the injustice here. I just think that, once United are denied both a one-on-one featuring their best striker and a penalty within the first 15 minutes, any subsequent result but a United win must be tainted. Other than those clear goalscoring opportunities, United didn't make any clear goalscoring opportunities. But for those moments, this would have been a common-or-garden against-the-run-of-play 1-0. But as it was, it wasn't. Is that clear?