Is all that Tinder swiping getting you nowhere? eHarmony matches not so harmonious? Alas, one self-described "6'4" passionate businessman" wants you to back away from the dating apps and accompany him on a three-day trip to anywhere in the world you'd like to go. But wait! There's a catch. (The catch is the guy.)

Tired of being soulmate-free in his whirlwind life of traveling the world and almost definitely telling as many people as possible about it, Denver resident Nathaniel Rifkin recently made the brave decision to take matters into his own hands. And thus, ShouldYouDateNate.com was born: a single web page littered with stock photos and featuring 3,000 words (he notes feeling suffocated by Tinder's 500-character limit on bios) describing his many...quirks, as well as all of the hyper-specific qualities he's looking for in a girlfriend. Ladies, get ready to swoon.

Our journey begins with a three-minute video of embarrassingly high-production quality. Nate, pairing his white V-neck tee with a surprising lack of fedora, gives his potential baes the rundown between black-and-white shots of Very Candid Laughter.

First of all, Nate is a 31-year-old "passionate business guy" and, like most zero other Colorado residents, moved west after seeing the 1994 classic Dumb and Dumber. He's into meditation and women who "like to engage their intellect." (Ever notice how any guy who specifies that he likes "smart women" often believe that women, in general, are not very smart?) Anyway, don't worry, he knows his website is embarrassing, so at least there's that.

Appealingly, Nate notes that his "social life has gone to hell," and he "abhors the stuff 95% of the population obsesses over." He has no time for social media, sports, music, and TV, and he will definitely shame you if you actually care about that "drivel." Lucky you! Approved topics of conversation while dating Nate include "the rich experiences we've had in life…how we've evolved as a result…and the ways we're sculpting our futures." Noted!

As for what he's looking for in a woman, Nate isn't picky. Really! He just wants "someone who is intelligent, healthy, happy, ambitious, spiritual, and has a good sense of humor"; is between the ages of 22 and 35; and has "a slender, healthy body, a reasonably slim waist, and a very pretty face." But even if that describes you to a T, you can't date Nate unless you also hate partying and Diet Coke (what?), exercise regularly, don't watch reality TV, definitely don't write about said reality TV on Facebook, and worship capitalism. Confused about that last one's appeal? Well, folks, it's listed because Nate dreamily describes himself as a "bonafide greedy capitalist pig." If you match every single one of these easily attainable qualifications, you "sound like heaven" to Nate.

Shouldyoudatenate.com

Nate-aholics can apply to be his dream date — or, at least, to win an all-expenses-paid trip to a location of your choice for three days — on ShouldYouDateNate.com by writing him an "exciting message" in the provided text box. And don't forget to attach "recent, full-length pictures"! If you're a meditation-obsessed, supermodel-fit capitalist with very low standards and a very high tolerance for BS, don't walk, run to ShouldYouDateNate.com before this catch gets caught.

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