The Lit AF Teen Girl Fantasy Football Report: Week 2

Welcome to the first installment of The Lit AF Teenage Girl Fantasy Football Report (TLAFTGFFR), the only advice column that includes the sage wisdom of teenage girls in a Twitter group DM that have no interest in fantasy football. It’s the type of insight that is only available in this space and let’s be honest — people with no interest in football can probably draft a team and set a lineup better than we can.

Why is this a thing? Here’s some background into my storied history with teens, which is a weird sentence for an adult to type. My open DMs were shuttered after that incident led to teens in various countries repeatedly including me in chats (one was in French). After I re-opened DMs, these teens appeared just before Week 1. Instead of blocking them, I decided to make them my fantasy football soundboard.

I started 1-0 in both of my leagues and decided it wouldn’t be fair to keep their advice to myself. Hence, TLAFTGFFR begins this week. DraftKings prices listed because daily fantasy is all anyone cares about anymore anyway.

LIT AF QUARTERBACKS

1. Eli Manning, Giants (DK: $7,600) — This isn’t a homer pick; the Saints will be without CB Delvin Broux and just gave up a ton of passing yards to the Raiders in Week 1. The over/under is 53, which speaks to the idea that the Saints will put up their fair share of points, which means Eli will be throwing the ball a lot against a bad secondary.

2. Blake Bortles, Jaguars (DK: $6,700) — Bortles looked real good in throwing for 320 yards against the Packers last week and now he gets to face a team that was gouged by Alex Smith (363 yards) in Week 1. If the Jaguars struggle to move the ball on the ground again, Bortles will be whipping the ball over the place against the Chargers.

3. Marcus Mariota, Titans (DK: $6,000) — His two turnovers against the Vikings were returned for touchdowns but he was otherwise solid against a very good defense. The Lions defense isn’t very good and this could be a sneaky high-scoring game this week.

The teens say…

LOW-KEY BAD QUARTERBACKS



1. Aaron Rodgers, Packers (DK: $7,800) — In two matchups with the Vikings last season, Rodgers averaged 250 yards passing with a total of three touchdowns and one interception. Yeah, he’s the best QB in football but for that price with a tough opponent, you can probably do better.

2. Kirk Cousins, Redskins (DK: $7,000) — Cousins threw for 329 yards against the Steelers, but they basically gave him underneath stuff throughout the second half. The weather doesn’t look good for Sunday. He’s a risky play against the Cowboys.

3. Jimmy Garoppolo, Patriots (DK $5,900) — At that price, you probably want to jump on him after this debut on Sunday night. But the Dolphins held Russell Wilson in check in Week 1 and the Patriots gameplan from week-to-week tends to change wildly. They could run 60 times for all we know.

The teens say…

LIT AF RUNNING BACKS

1. C.J. Anderson, Broncos (DK: $6,800) — He looked really good in the opener against a stout Panthers defense (20-92-1) and now he gets a Colts defense that was gashed for 5.3 yards per carry by Ameer Abdullah of the Lions. In a run-heavy offense, Anderson seems a safe bet for 100 yards and a score.

2. Carlos Hyde, 49ers (DK: $5,100) — He was more about volume (23 carries, 88 yards) against the Rams, but he scored twice and will likely top 20 carries again this week. There’s some concern about losing goal-line touches to Shaun Draughn but that’s more about timing than usage.

3. Jeremy Hill, Bengals (DK: $4,300) — He had just nine carries and 31 yards against the Jets but that’s an admirable total against the Jets. Giovani Bernard is always looming, but Hill will get more touches and the goal-line carries against the Steelers.

The teens say…

LOW-KEY BAD RUNNING BACKS

1. Lamar Miller, Texans (DK: $7,200) — After a 28-108-1 line against a shaky Bears unit, the competition gets tougher against the Chiefs. If you want someone to exceed their price tag in daily, Miller isn’t the guy.

2. DeAngelo Willliams, Steelers (DK: $7,100) — He’s the fifth-most expensive back this week. Don’t pay the premium because he gutted a bad Washington team last week. The Bengals will provide a much stiffer test.

3. T.J. Yeldon, Jaguars (DK: $4,700) — He’s cheap and will likely be the workhorse with Chris Ivory out, but that’s what he was last week when he averaged 1.9 yards per carry. Maybe more preparation will help against the Chargers but be wary of the bargain price tag.

The teens say…

LT AF WIDE RECEIVERS

1. Allen Robinson, Jaguars (DK: $7,800) — He’s not cheap but he may be a great value at that price. He’s coming off a meh 6-72-0 opener but he had a league-high 15 targets Week 1. He could see that volume again and if he does, 100 yards and a TD seems likely.

2. Amari Cooper, Raiders (DK: $7,600) — Usually, you don’t want to pay a lot for a guy coming off a big week, but Cooper is going against the Falcons this week. Atlanta’s secondary is hot garbage. Jump all over Cooper.

3. Victor Cruz, Giants (DK: $4,300) — Call it a hunch. Everyone will go after Odell Beckham since the Saints are without Breaux, but I think Cruz at home is going to gobble up underneath looks and red-zone targets. He’s a solid flex guy and inexpensive daily gamble.

The teens say…

LOW-KEY BAD WIDE RECEIVERS

1. Jordy Nelson, Packers (DK: $7,500) — He’s still shaking off the rust. Aaron Rodgers spreads the ball around. The Vikings defense is very good. It’s not worth the risk.

2. Kelvin Benjamin, Panthers (DK: $6,500) —People are gushing over his first game (6-91-1) but think of him as a stock. It’s through the roof now. Everyone will see his daily cost as a bargain. Go against the grain. Start him in your regular league, though.

3. Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals (DK: $6,400) —Don’t fall for the hype. The Cardinals probably won’t be trailing throughout like they did against the Patriots. He’s still getting over a knee injury. He won’t get 10 targets again this week.

The teens say…

LIT AF TIGHT ENDS

1. Gary Barnidge, Browns (DK: $4,000) — Everyone will be all over this guy because Josh McCown is now the Cleveland quarterback and these two hook up more than Ross and Rachel but sometimes the obvious answer is the correct one.

2. Eric Ebron, Lions (DK: $3,500) — I feel like Ebron will benefit the most from Calvin Johnson’s retirement, especially in the red zone.

LOW-KEY BAD TIGHT ENDS



1. Jordan Reed, Redskins (DK: $6,800) — He’s probably the best non-Gronk tight end in the league but he’s coming off a matchup against a Steelers team that covers tight ends about as well as a thong. He had 7-64-0 last week and could do that again, but it’s not worth nearly $7,000.

2. Martellus Bennett, Patriots (DK: $4,400) — He played 68 of 71 snaps last week and only got five targets. If Gronk is back, of course don’t use him. But if Gronk is out again, be wary.

The teens say…

LIT AF DEFENSES

1. Seahawks (vs. Rams) (DK: $3,800) — Sometimes it’s best to not overthink things.

2. Patriots (vs. Dolphins) (DK $3,000) — It’s at Foxboro where it’s easier to cheat for the Patriots. Remember when Ryan Tannehill got mad about his practice squad intercepting him and then it was revealed Tom Brady pays guys who pick him off in practice? I think about that a lot. I’m calling for a Pats pick-six in this one.

LOW-KEY BAD DEFENSES

1. Broncos (vs. Colts) (DK: $3,600) — Maybe this is overthinking, because that Broncos pass rush vs. that Colts offensive line seems obvious, but the Colts will probably move the ball a bit and put up 20-plus points.

2. Texans (vs. Chiefs) (DK: $3,400) — I thought the Texans D would fare better against the Bears. The Chiefs can move the ball and Alex Smith is mobile and gets rid of the ball quickly. It seems like a bad matchup for Houston.

The teens say…