Mardy Fish's return a big test physically and mentally

Douglas Robson, USA TODAY Sports | USATODAY

LOS ANGELES — The demons dogging Mardy Fish won't be any quieter as he resumes his career after a six-month absence.

"This is always going to be a part of me," Fish said of the scary heart condition that surfaced last year and nearly sent him into retirement. "That was one of the big things that I had to get through my mind."

Fish, seeded No. 32, returns to action this week at the BNP Paribas Open in Indian Wells, Calif., where he has a first-round bye.

He passed one hurdle Monday night when he faced off against world No. 1 Novak Djokovic at the LA Tennis Challenge, a charity event organized by Fish and his good friend Justin Gimelstob.

Fish called his performance in front of an announced crowd of 8,500 at UCLA's Pauley Pavilion "a big test for sure internally and externally."

"It certainly felt like a lot of pressure," he said after losing an eight-game pro set in a tiebreaker. "To come through was really good."

"To me he looked quite good on the court," said Djokovic, who is undefeated so far in 2013. "As his colleague and his friend I am very glad to see him back."

In his first public comments since abruptly pulling out of the U.S. Open in September, Fish hinted at the deep psychological scars that have repeatedly forestalled his return.

"It took me months and months to get back to normalcy — to have a glass of wine at dinner, to go out to a movie with my wife," the former top-10 player said Monday night. "Just those normal things that you take for granted I wasn't able to do for a long time."

Fish, a sensitive 31-year-old Minnesota native, was last seen on tour in New York where he withdrew from his fourth-round match against Roger Federer just hours before he was scheduled to play.

Fish had already missed 2½ months of the season due to an accelerated heartbeat that first struck him at a Davis Cup match in February 2012 and resurfaced at the Sony Ericsson Open in Miami after losing in the quarterfinals to Juan Monaco.

Fish awoke in the middle of the night with his heart racing. He couldn't get it to stop and feared he was having a heart attack.

"I was completely panicking," Fish told USA TODAY Sports last year of the 30-minute episode. "I thought I was going to die."

After trying to pinpoint the problem, Fish underwent a heart procedure known as cardiac catheter ablation in Los Angeles on May 23 to resolve a form of arrhythmia.

Assured by doctors that he was fine, the situation still toyed with Fish's mind.

He did not like to travel. He could not sleep alone. He carried around a small electrocardiogram (EKG) unit, wearing it during practice and at night and sometimes for no reason at all except it made him feel secure.

Fish said he wasn't ready to discuss in detail what he has been dealing with but said it was part physical, part psychological.

"I've gone back and forth quite a bit about whether to spill it all, keep it in, keep it with people close to me," he said. "The bottom line is that what I went through was the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life."

Speaking to a small group of reporters Monday, Fish said that he spent the fall hibernating in his house, consulting with sports psychologists and psychiatrists and pondering his future. He visited the famed Mayo Clinic to make sure he was OK and said he had not spent one night in bed since April without his wife, Stacey, by his side.

He thought about quitting — repeatedly.

"I've retired 15 times in my head, I mean literally," Fish said. "For the first 3-4 months (following the U.S. Open), I was done for sure."

Gradually his confidence returned. Though he says some weeks had been better than others, he missed the camaraderie and competition and yearned to return to the tour. There has even been a perk: the chronic tendinitis in his right forearm cleared up when he stopped playing last fall.

Fish said he has lived a very controlled existence since taking leave of the game — sticking to his strict diet, monitoring his health, turning in early.

"To be honest I haven't seen 10 o'clock in a month," said Fish, who owns six career titles and reached a career-high rank of No. 7 in 2011.

He admitted such luxuries would be tested when he returns to a sport with global travel, late-night matches and multiple time zones.

"That's going to be toughest part," he said. "I'm not going to know until I get out there and get into those uncomfortable situations."

Fish said he still fears something might happen — "It's sort of the fear of the unknown," he said — but hasn't felt as good since the U.S. Open.

"I don't feel like in my head I have anything to prove," he said. "I still feel like I have years to play."