MIAMI—While admitting that getting it over with quickly would have been the best thing to do, members of the Miami Heat confirmed Tuesday that they simply can’t bring themselves to tell their fans the team lost the NBA Finals. “I know this is the kind of thing they deserve to hear directly from us, but it would just crush them,” said power forward LeBron James, adding that he doubted he would even be able to look fans in the eye while completely blindsiding them with the devastating news that the Heat fell to the San Antonio Spurs in five games. “They were so ecstatic after the last two championships—I mean, you should’ve seen the looks on their faces when we told them—so I just don’t want to be the one to break their hearts like this. Maybe Chris [Bosh] can do it; they already hate him anyway.” At press time, Heat players had reportedly agreed to just say they had won the championship since their fans would never know the difference.

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