The First Savage Love How It All Started

Originally published on September 23, 1991

Savage Love is an advice column written by a queer nationalist. The primary reason one seeks the advice given in a newspaper column is to receive the opinion of a disinterested third party. The Stranger is proud to offer the chance to communicate with someone who is a third party to heterosexual relations as a whole, and to provide the homosexual community with a chance to openly reach one of their own. Mr. Savage asks advice seekers to use the salutation, “Hey, Faggot:” a term he has claimed as his own in strength and pride.

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Hey, Faggot:

I’ve been courting this guy and sex is imminent, but not love. My eye is on another with whom I feel a good relationship could blossom; but this will take time. I am intensely horny. Is it fair to sleep with guy number one when I know my heart will land elsewhere? I don’t want to hurt him, but I need sex!

Conscience ridden in Wallingford

Hey, Conscience:

If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with. If you don’t want to hurt number one, be honest with him about your intentions. He probably won’t mind getting laid, but don’t let him think that it could become more than that. If you are up front and honest with him, he won’t get hurt. It will be his own fault if he does.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a 22-year-old girl with a problem—I’m single and unattached, clearheaded and some might even say attractive. And I’m very inter- ested in a meaningful, long-term relationship. Problem is, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been only attracted to gay men. I know it’s crazy, but straight guys just don’t do it for me. I don’t find them nearly as sensitive, thoughtful, cre- ative or sexy as many of the gay hunks I know. Hopefully you can give me some good advice. Am I doomed to frustration, loneliness and despair?

Frustrated in Capitol Hill

Hey, Frustrated:

Yes. Look, you can have meaningful, long-term relationships with your gay friends, you just won’t get laid much. You may not find straight guys as sensitive, thoughtful, creative, or sexy as gay guys (because they’re not), but if you want a long-term sexual relationship, you had better relax your standards a bit. I’ve met some straight guys that were okay, if a little slow. You can too.

Hey, Faggot:

I really love my mate and we get along fabulously. Sex with him is wonderful, he is both strong and tender. But that is not the problem. My problem is that he’s spending tons of time with his friends on the weekend having role- playing games. I never see him. He’ll leave early in the evening, just after we cook dinner, and come home at two or three in the morning. This happens every Friday and Saturday. What can I do to get my man back for the weekend?

Weekends alone in Ravenna

Hey, Alone:

I had to show your letter to a few breeder pals of mine to find out what exactly you meant by “role-playing games with his friends.” The consensus was that you were referring to something like Dungeons and Dragons, which is not what springs into my mind when someone talks about “role-playing games.” Do not attempt to make your mate choose between you and his eight-sided dice, you may lose. Negotiate! Compromise! One weekend night for you and one for his games. If he won’t agree to that, find a new mate. Having companionship on Friday and Saturday nights are two of the top reasons to put up with being in a relationship. If you have lost your current mate to D&D, find a new one who would rather do a little role-playing with his lover and not his friends.

Hey, Faggot: I’m in love.

As the cliché goes: I’m in love but he doesn’t even know that I exist. This person is magical and I just want to observe him drinking coffee or window shopping. I don’t want to meet him; I love our relation- ship—it couldn’t be more full for me. I don’t peek in his windows but I do have a good idea when he will be out and I find myself there, too. I’m concerned with the morality—I would never do anything to hurt him.

Ms. Sneak a Peek

Hey, Sneak:

First off. You are not in love. Secondly, you do not have a relationship with this guy. One person gaping at another does not constitute a relationship. What you are doing to this guy does not strike me as moral. You are harassing him. I would bet you that he has noticed you follow- ing him around and staring at him. How would you feel if some strange guy followed you around town gawking? Violated? I would. Lastly, he is not “magical,” he is a human being, with faults and nose hairs and problems of his own. The rea- son you don’t want to meet him is so your “dream image” of him won’t be shattered.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m having some problems with my folks. I don’t know how to tell my parents in a constructive way that I don’t want to go to college. I want to stay at home with my friends and work as a bartender. My parents think I don’t have enough knowledge and that I will be wasting my life. I know all you fags’ parents hate your life decisions. How can I go about handling the situation without breaking totally away from my parents.

Honesty but not Dislocation

Hey, Dislocation:

Quite frankly, I don’t care what you do. You can make a good living tending bar. If you want to appease your parents, go to a nearby community college and take a few classes to see if you dig the knowledge thing.

Now listen up: Not all fags’ parents hate their “life decisions.” The only decision I had to make about my faghood was to be honest and open about it. I could have chosen to be a lying, deceitful, piece of shit closet case. Had I decided to do that, my parents would have had cause to be ashamed. They brought me up to be honest and truthful, even with them, so they weren’t upset when I was. This may come as a surprise to many of you breeders out there, but most lesbians and gays have fine relationships with their families, thank you. My parents and my in-laws (the parents of my boyfriend: we call ’em in-laws, too) are proud of their gay children, and proud that we were honest with them about who we are.

Find this week’s regular Savage Love column online: thestranger.com/savage.

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More Savage Love from The Stranger’s 25th anniversary Issue: Read up on how Savage Love has changed the way we talk and think about sex, find out what saddlebacking is in the SL glossary, and read excerpts from some of the most memorable columns.