Early Clues

The very first warning signs that your partner is getting into rock climbing can be hard to spot. It may start with an innocent-seeming invitation from a friend at work. Don’t take this lightly. You won’t be able to weather this storm like you did with the recent dance-based workout craze, or the obsession with those really short running shorts. This is different. You need to derail this train immediately. Casually propose rewatching all of “Mad Men,” or bring up your partner’s relationship with his or her father. In the end, you’ll be far happier.

Avoid Eye Contact

If your partner just got back from the climbing gym, do not make eye contact. Eye contact will only lead to conversation about climbing. It’ll start with something benign, like “it’s scary!” But the more your partner talks about climbing the better he or she will get at talking about climbing. Soon your partner will be contorted into some weird position and breathlessly urging you to understand that “the pincher wants you to barn-door, so you should heel-hook it!”

The Videos

As things progress, you may find your partner, sweaty and hunched over a laptop, watching videos of people screaming. Please be pornography, you’ll think. Please. But, no, it’ll be a video of some climber in France falling off a rock for ten minutes and then talking about his “journey.” “What’s so special about some guy wrestling a rock?,” you’ll ask. This will start a big fight, because, as your partner will angrily point out, it’s clearly a boulder.

New Friends

You and your partner used to have mutual friends. You all could get drinks and talk about television or your bosses, like normal people. Now your partner spends a lot of time with a guy who lives in a 1995 Dodge Neon. His name is Decker, and you’ll hear a lot about how he climbs “like a Zen master.” You will need to fight the urge to mention that he’s not Zen—he’s just exhausted because he sleeps in a tiny car.

Callus Exams

This is bad. When not at the climbing gym, your partner raptly gazes at his or her hands—the way comic-book villains do when they acquire a new power—despite the fact that your partner still seems to struggle to open a jar of salsa. What’s worse is that now you also have to examine every tiny scrape and callus. You wouldn’t think that each one could have a long story attached to it, but, surprise—they do.

Suddenly Feeling Outdoorsy

This is a person who once got lost in a corn maze for twelve hours. Now you go on hikes together, and the last one was live-tweeted. You know that your partner can’t go eight hours without a sparkling water, but right now he or she won’t stop quoting John Muir. At this point, you’re losing the war. It’s time for guerrilla tactics. Try shrinking your partner’s half political, half humble-brag T-shirt that says walls are meant for climbing in the dryer until it would be tight on a toddler. It’s time to take your stand.

The Climbing Gym

If you’ve found yourself at a climbing gym, something has gone terribly wrong. You need to stay focussed and keep your guard up! Do not be distracted by the man who, in this climate-controlled warehouse, is wearing a wool beanie but no shirt. When you’re forced to climb, embrace the fear. Do not let the fear turn into excitement—because it is kind of exciting, isn’t it? And, man, Decker really does make it look easy. He’s like a poet writing an ode with his body up there. God, that’s cheesy—but factual, right? Your partner is making eye contact. Don’t say “it’s scary!” Whatever you do, don’t say it!