Dear Alcoholics,

If you’re reading this, it means you’ve managed to stop weeping into your Harvard rejection letters long enough to check the news. Congrats.

With the Bayou Bucket around the corner, we Coogs just wanted to remind you how much we love your football team. The “just for fun” mentality you all play with is adorable.

It’s heartwarming to see a school like Rice jeopardize its reputation by allowing such a talentless team the opportunity to play with real college football players.

No matter how pitiful your team’s performance is to watch, you still humbly ignore the pressure to improve. As long as everybody gets an orange slice at half time, the Owls can go home happy.

However, some of your students still don’t seem to understand that your team is not meant to be serious.

We find it surprising that Rice students are even aware the football team exists. We just didn’t think you all had the time to notice, in between lighting piles of money on fire and collecting BMWs.

Nonetheless, a number of you believe that by some miracle Rice has a chance this Saturday. Aren’t you all supposed to be smart?

For Rice, the Bayou Bucket is an opportunity to prove your worth. For us, it’s two bye weeks in a row.

During the last 20 years, Rice has taken the game of football and turned it into its own mutilated creation. It’s like Frankenstein’s monster, except worse to look at and nobody would ever spend time reading about it.

Watching Rice play is like watching rice. The last time something exciting happened at Rice Stadium, John F. Kennedy was talking about going to the moon.

Rice’s inability to recruit decent football players is not the fault of a coach with a 45-56 career record, a crumbling stadium or the school’s admissions standards. Good football players don’t go to Rice because when they visit campus they meet 3,000 scarf-wearing “artists” with fake British accents trying to read them poetry.

Don’t be bitter that the Big East didnt want anything to do with you. Conference USA needs you. Who else is going to make UAB and Marshall feel good about themselves?

All jokes aside, we really do look forward to seeing you this Saturday at Reliant. It’s been a while. You remember where it is, right? It seems like away games are the only time you snobby birds leave your golden-laced nests.

Let’s have a good game this weekend. We hope for a strong turnout but of course we don’t expect many Rice students to show up once they find out there’s no valet parking.

Go Coogs.

From: The Rice Thresher