Oakland’s First Friday Art Murmur. (Image credit: Joe Sciarrillo, Bay Area Underground)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or worse–working in a Manhattan-based newsroom–you’ve just found out that Oakland is now Brooklyn. No, this isn’t a figurative expression. Oakland has literally turned into Brooklyn overnight, like how Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself magically transformed into a giant vermin. (We figured you Brooklynites would get the Kafka reference).

So now that this metamorphosis has happened, how does one go about writing an Oakland/Brooklyn trend piece? Well, we here at Oakland Unseen have developed a handy guide to save out-of-town journalists the trip to Oakland (because we hear it can still be dangerous), and to crank out their trend piece by following the tips below:

1878 map of Brooklyn, California. (Image credit: The Opposite Coast)

Include these keywords: “Gentrification,“ "kale,” “exposed brick,” “kombucha,” and “artisanal.” Out of Oakland’s 78 square miles, only visit 3 square miles: Oakland’s Uptown and Temescal districts during Art Murmur. Interview predominantly white people on what’s happening today in Oakland. Talk about how artists being priced out of San Francisco is exactly like what happened in Manhattan. Use racially coded words like “inner-city,” “immigrant,” “gritty,” “problematic,” “violent,” “up-and-coming,” and “emerging.” Scour Yelp reviews for what’s hot and write about good food, art, and music as if you’re the first person to make this startling discovery about Oakland. Use the phrase "In the shadow of San Francisco” at least 3 times. Use a patronizing tone. Steal writing from local writers (blogs, East Bay Express, etc.) who’ve written better local pieces before you and don’t give them attribution. Quote “accurate” statistics from Oakland Mayor Jean Quan. Misinterpret a Gertrude Stein quotation. Make your title a pun on a Gertrude Stein quotation, as if that’s never been done before. Be oblivious to the fact that culture can exist outside of New York City, and constantly compare how something in Oakland has a corollary in New York. Under no circumstances should you presume that anything else has ever been written about Oakland. You are the first person on the planet to make your observations. Do not consider that a place could have its own independently developed culture, and have no convenient East-Coast-based referent. Assume that the residents of Oakland care deeply about your article published by an out-of-town publication, and derive their identity and self-worth from it.

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