Kochs Offset Gates Foundation with $550M Donation to Evil

The Koch Foundation announced today that it will commit another $550 million to support evil this year.

The allocation will supplement the group's existing $1.3 billion annual endowment to the spread of darkness and misery around the world, offsetting an identical sum of $1.85 billion committed by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to do good.

"Guided by the belief that lives other than their own possess no value, the Koch brothers remain dedicated to the expansion and exacerbation of human suffering among not only those currently maintaining the audacity to remain alive on the same planet, but future generations of all living creatures," a Koch Foundation press release stated.

According to insiders, money from this year's budget will go towards activating several dormant volcanoes throughout Southeast Asia as well as developing a powerful earthquake machine capable of rocking the whole of Africa.

"The earthquake machine is really exciting," Koch Foundation board member Winston Hurst remarked. "It should really help change a lot of horrible lives for the worse."

Other Koch grants will reportedly fund health misinformation programs in the Third World and research projects dedicated to accelerating the onset of Alzheimer's Disease.