In the nearly 40 years that Susan Cahill, the only physician's assistant in Montana to provide abortions, operated a clinic in the state, she saw picketers, lawsuits, even a firebombing. But nothing matched what she says she witnessed in 2014, when she first entered her clinic after it had been systematically destroyed by Zachary Klundt, the son of a local anti-abortion activist.Klundt recently pleaded guilty to the crime, but a year after the break-in and vandalism, Cahill has been unable to resume her practice. Now, she tellsCosmopolitan.com how the attack affected her life and why she may never reopen, a real concern for a600-mile stretch of the country where there are fewer than 10 clinics remaining.

I've been doing this for 38 eight years. I started when I graduated from P.A. [physician's assistant] school, which I was in from about 1974 to 1976, right after Roe. I was in New York, and they were doing abortion training at Queens General Hospital, one of the hospitals that I worked at.

I wanted to come out to Montana because of a love interest, so I wrote to all of these doctors. Dr. Armstrong [James Armstrong, her original partner at the clinic] was also from New York and vowed that if [abortion] ever became legal, he would move out and do it as part of his family practice. So he did that and by '76, he was so inundated with abortion he could hardly keep up with the rest of his family practice. When he saw my résumé and my plea that I wanted to come out here, he nabbed me for my final elective and then offered me a job. I came out full time with him in 1977.

We worked together for 25 years, and over that time, we hada firebombing at our clinic from a guy who also did other clinics, one in Missoula [Montana] and out of state as well. Like ants, we just built up again. Then inthe 1990s, I had this legislative bill against me for doing abortions even though I wasn't a physician, and it took over two years to fight that and finally get it overturned by the court.

Things quieted down legally after that, but we've always had picketers, always had letters. Then the 40 Days [for Life, an anti-abortion group] started, and people were now praying outside on our steps twice a year.

When Dr. Armstrong retired [in 2005], I worked for Planned Parenthood briefly, but I quit and started my own practice. Dr. Armstrong worked with me briefly, then he fully retired and I hooked up with another physician, but she left and I started All Families Healthcare.

I had this wonderful old home [for my office] that I loved — it was a great home and the way I wanted my office to be — but I leased it. My landlord had money problems, so he asked if I wanted to buy it and I said no, I knew some of the problems with it. I didn't think anyone would buy it, but they did and as soon as someone bought it, I said, "You know, I bet an anti-choice person bought it." I asked [the landlord] if I could stay and he said no. I did find a new office downstairs from a female lawyer. I moved in February, and three weeks later, [my old office] was completely destroyed.

Part of the problem was that I don't make a ton of money. I do a lot of [abortion procedures] for less money, because I want to do them. But because I don't have a lot of money, people would be very nice and do things in return for less money. The people who were putting in my security system were half done, and he [the security system installer] said, "The 40 Days are starting Wednesday. I can't do it tonight, so I'll come Tuesday to finish this for you." And Monday night was when Zachary [Klundt, the son ofTwyla Klundt, who at that time was a board member of a local crisis pregnancy center Hope Pregnancy Ministries] came in and destroyed everything.

When I found out it was Zachary, I decided I wanted to find out who had bought my old office. After much investigation, I found out my old landlord hadsold to Michelle Reimer, who is the executive director of Hope Pregnancy, and I believe they thought I was going to retire.

I had never interacted with Zachary, but I did [previously] have lunch with his mother, Twyla, and talked with her about our philosophical differences. I went and toured the pregnancy center before.

The day the attack happened, I wasn't allowed anywhere near the clinic. My secretary didn't even go inside because when she saw the window was smashed, she went upstairs to the landlord's office. The landlord at that point didn't know what had happened either. So we called the police right away and we figured it all out. [Zachary] had initially broken into the basement, destroyed the heating and plumbing system, and then went into my office.

I didn't get to go in for a day and a half. Both the federal detectives and the local detectives were very worried about us walking in and kept preparing us, saying, "This is really bad." They suggested that maybe we would be better off just seeing pictures before we walked in. But I said, "No, I just want to see it."

I get teary just thinking about it. It was unbelievable that someone could feel that much hate to do what he did. He is a big guy, andhe destroyed every possible thing you can imagine. Everything. I have an old-fashioned Rolodex with numbers on it, and he even destroyed that. He put what looks like a screwdriver into the face of my grandson [in a photo]. Besides tearing up items and bending steel things, he put holes in my exam tables and rolling chairs, breaking the glass in every single picture. I had a lot of artwork, and you have to realize I just spent $20,000 in improvements in this place — painted it, new window coverings, new artwork — and it was really lovely. He pulled the plants out of their pots.There was nothing he didn't touch .

I was speechless. You just don't know how to react to something like that.

My friends helped clean up the mess, and people who were patients of mine came in and fixed things for free. So when I left the place, it looked like nothing had happened. They fixed the holes in the walls too, since he had put holes in the plaster. Then the Montana Human Rights Networkstarted a fundraiser for me through Indiegogo and I got money from them [to rebuild and pay staff], which was fabulous. I was in shock, so I wasn't really able to do anything, and these people helped me immensely.

We went to the state insurance commissioner becausemy liability insurance said it didn't owe me any money, and I challenged that. The commissioner said, "I see this clause, and I don't see this very often in insurance, but this clause says that liability covers the address of the business, rather than the business." So because I had moved three weeks earlier, it didn't cover me. I assumed it covered my business, and I knew when my liability was up — it was up in August, and I always paid it on time. This said I wasn't covered so I didn't get any money from the insurance company.

The money I got [from the fundraiser] was extremely helpful. I opened a tiny place in a friend's building so patients could call me and I could help them with the lab work that was coming in or X-rays or whatever .

I must say my patients helped me, and people who are sensitive to reproductive rights issues helped me, but generally speaking, the medical community was quiet. Some of them, I was very hurt by their silence. People who referred patients to me, and I referred to them — nothing. Nobody said anything.

I'm not saying that I'm not reopening. It's been a really, really, really hard year for me, so what I am saying right now is that I am on a sabbatical. My husband, he says, "You do what you want." He's been very supportive. But my son is extremely worried about me and doesn't want me to do it anymore. He's afraid that next time, I'm not going to get away with my life.

Theguy was armed. If I had walked in, he would have killed me. I know that, I absolutely know that. There was so much violence expressed in the destruction of my office that if I happened to walk in there, I would have gotten killed. I said to my son, "I'm not a martyr." But as the time goes by, I feel more like, if I could get a little medical community around me so I wasn't alone and so I could teach people even medication abortion, I would do it in a millisecond, because it's needed.

It's just a complete disaster that abortion shouldn't be offered. Why is religion allowed into women's reproductive health? It's wrong, and I don't understand why people aren't up in arms about this.

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