‘Mormonism is in my blood’: Samuel Clayton says he will not leave the Mormon church, despite its anti-gay policies

People often ask me what it is like to be a gay Mormon.

Particularly after the recently announced policies that instruct local leaders to excommunicate same-sex couples and not allow their children to be baptised into the church, folks wonder how I can stay identified with an organisation that so clearly discriminates against me.

And after thousands of Mormons attended public demonstrations and resigned from the church en masse, I’m asked why I don’t do the same.

My answer is not a simple one.


The first thing I say is that for many, Mormonism runs deeper than religious beliefs or policies or social views.



For families like mine, Mormonism is in our blood.

Samuel with sister Alicia in Berlin. ‘Alicia and I are both gay Mormons who care about our identity and do not practise traditionally’ – Samuel Clayton (Picture: Samuel Clayton)

My ancestors converted to the religion in places like England and Wales and Sweden and Denmark in the mid-nineteenth century and immigrated to America to gather with the saints in ‘Zion’ which, funny as it may sound, was located in the Rocky Mountains of Utah.

For some Mormons like me, even if we don’t agree with policies or even believe in a traditional way, we still feel Mormonism in our DNA, and in our souls.

The second reason I give is, well, hope.

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I believe that the Mormon Church will change its positions on LGBT issues.

Many people, Mormons and non-Mormons alike, will giggle at this suggestion, but a quick dip into history reveals that it is not such a crazy notion after all.

The Mormon Church has changed before, quite famously, on weighty issues.

(Picture: Mormons for Equality Facebook page)

The first time was polygamy, that most easily identifiable of Mormon features.

Although deeply entrenched, the church disavowed it more than a century ago, as part of its deal for Utah statehood.

Sure, some persisted in the practice, and broke away to live in fundamentalist compounds and star in reality TV shows, but the fact remains that the church abandoned a core teaching and cultural practice in order to survive in the modern world.

Some believe it will do it again.

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Mormons gather for a mass resignation in Salt Lake City a day after the Mormon church stood behind new rules targeting gay members and their children (AP/Rick Bowmer)

Another change, far more recent and much more embarrassing, happened in 1978, when the church finally changed its policies that barred black Mormons from priesthood and temple privileges.

The longevity of this policy made Mormons appear flagrantly racist, which although definitely the main factor was not the whole picture.

There was another principle at play, namely, how does the only true church change policies that have supposedly been given by God, without losing credibility with the world, and its own membership?

It is precisely the Catch 22 the church is in now.

Yes, the Mormon Church still believes it better to be heterosexual and have heterosexual families, but attitudes are changing quickly and many Mormons are deeply conflicted by these new policies, just as they were by the racial policies.



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And so we find ourselves in this place again. Families like mine are caught in the crush of these forces, waiting for a siege to end.

We know it will, but have resigned ourselves to witnessing another tragic swan song before it does.

And my family has been waiting a long time.

Samuel’s parents, Mormon parents who love and accept their gay children (Picture: Samuel Clayton)

After a childhood of hating myself I was one of the lucky few whose family was accepting, who stood by me when I came out to them.

Today this number is growing. As the suicides of LGBT teen Mormons continue one by one (Utah has one of the highest rates in the nation), fewer and fewer families are willing to allow their children to be offered up as sacrifices to this painful charade of ignorance and pride.

Last week two of my own dear friends, who were openly gay students with me at the Mormon university several years ago, were among those who filed their resignation letters.

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When I saw that I admit I felt tears come to my eyes, not because I wasn’t happy for them, because I was.

But I also felt sad, for all the things that could have been in our lives and in our community, and for all the needless pain, and wasted lives and suffering that could have been avoided.

I hoped for most of my life that my community would be at the forefront of social justice issues, instead of lagging behind, or even resisting, but like others have long since given up that fantasy.


For those who feel it a stronger decision to leave I support them completely.

But for me I will stay a Mormon, not because I won’t see reality, but because I know Mormonism is a part of me and I have learned to like all parts of me.

And because I want to be here when the siege ends, and the miracle happens.

You can read more on Mormonism and much more by Samuel Clayton on his blog, Carnivals Of Affection.

Read more from Sam For more about what it was like going to BYU, the Mormon University, as a gay student: Winning and losing. What happened to Sam’s heterosexual brother who wanted to be a missionary and refused to teach that gay marriage was wrong: My little brother’s mission. To read more about Sam’s life growing up as a gay Mormon: Goodnight Sweet Prince. A deeply personal reaction to the gay marriage supreme court ruling this year in America: My grandfather’s gift.