Currently working as a valet manager while in college and as a former valet attendant would like to offer those who have never done the job or are paranoid we'll thrash your car some tips. Following these will definitely give you a pleasurable valet experience:

1. Don't tell me how to use a push-start. It's fucking 2012. Kia's have push-starts. Stop acting like your car is from the motherfucking future. 95% of Prius owners also think that their car is some gloriously advanced invention and frequently ask "do you know how to drive a Prius?" like it's a god damn spaceship. After a month of this job we've driven hundreds of cars, 99.9% of them aren't special in any way. However, though all valets are required to know how to drive manual, not all of them do. Asking about this isn't annoying because we know this.

2. Note your mileage. I don't hoon customer cars because I'm not an asshole but there are assholes out there and some of them are valets. Don't reset your trip odometer in front of us either, we could easily reset it on the way back. If you have two trip odometers, say A and B, reset B but only show A on the display. We're not going to be that thorough.

3. Tip on the way in and on the way out, AT LEAST 2 dollars each way (in my city at least, I'm sure NYC/LA standard is much higher). This is the best way to ensure your car is taken care of well. Don't only give me a fucking dollar on the way out. You can't buy anything with a dollar anymore. We remember who you are. If you only give a dollar, or god forbid stiff us, we will think of everything we can do to subtly ruin your car while you're in the restaurant the next time we see you. If you tip well, your car will be well taken care of. If you request that your car is left up front, don't be surprised when we ask for at least $20. That's prime real estate. If you have a Lambo, we're not going to feel guilty about asking you for $20. Stop.

4. If your car is an absolute piece of shit, do not valet. We don't have time to try and get your car to start while 10 other people are waiting in line. Additionally, if your car has any unusual quirks (windows roll down but won't go back up, etc.), tell us immediately. A buddy of mine became uninsurable and therefore, fired, after curbing an Aston V12 Vantage because you have to physically hold the gear lever in reverse or it pops out. That's not fucking normal. Don't yell at me when your car's messed up because of something that isn't normal that you didn't let us know about.

5. Check and see if you have cash before you valet. Seriously. Don't be that guy. Everyone hates that guy.

6. Don't tell me not to steal anything. This is just offensive and I will probably rearrange everything in your car just to fuck with you. I see you putting your GPS in the glove compartment and locking it. Great job, idiot, you also just gave me your regular key so I could unlock if I wanted to. Also, it's fucking 2012, I have GPS on my motherfucking cell phone. Think we stole something? 99.9% of the time we didn't. Look around in your car before screaming at us that we stole something that slid under the seat.

7. Coming out to get your car and saying "It's the red Ferrari" just isn't funny. It's just not.

8. Coming out to get your car and saying "It's the red Civic" just isn't helpful. We have upwards of 200 keys sometimes. 30 of them might be Hondas. We can't tell the color by the key. Just give me your ticket number, asshole.

9. Tip good. If you don't tip well, you're fucked. You tip your waiter to bring you food, you better tip us to bring your car. We remember those who tip well and those who tip bad, and we all talk about it. If you have a brand new ZO6, pull up, give me $5 on the way in and say "thank you very much, I'll get you on the way out," your car is as important as mine.