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Boss…..Christopher Walken

Applicant…..Chris Kattan

Centaur…..Chris Parnell

[ open at the end of a job interview at Mercy General Hospital ]

Boss: I’m sorry, Dr. Wallace.. but I’m afraid we’re looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our Chief Resident position.

Applicant: I understand. So, did I get the job?

Boss: No. you didn’t.

Applicant: [ relieved ] Thank you! You won’t regret this! I’ll see you Monday morning!

Boss: You didn’t get the job. [ Applicant exits, as he speaks into his intercom ] Debbie.. please send in the next applicant.

[ Centaur enters ]

You must be Dr. Lemmon. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. You’ve come highly recommended.

Centaur: Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won’t hold that against me.

Boss: [ laughs ] Well.. as you know, we’re becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. [ he does, but the Centaur remains standing ] Our new Chief Resident will help lead that transition.

Centaur: Uh, well.. at Johns-Hopkins, I actually shared the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital.

Boss: As I said, your qualifications are most impressive.

Centaur: Thank you.

Boss: Now.. would you mind if I asked you a few questions about being a Centaur?

Centaur: Please. Go ahead. Believe me, I’ve heard them all?

Boss: Can I ride you?

Centaur: [ chuckles ] Only if I can ride you!

Boss: [ chuckles back ] Fair enough. Moving on.. could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby?

Centaur: Hmm.. I don’t know..

Boss: If you did.. would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey?

Centaur: I.. I see what you’re saying.. but, again, I don’t know.

Boss: Because, it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you.

Centaur: Right.. uh, are we going to discuss my medical qualifications..?

Boss: The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions. Do you have sex with horses, or with human women?

Centaur: Uh.. neither. I’m really only attracted to other Centaurs.

Boss: Okay. What if were a horse with a mask of a woman on it?

Centaur: No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on?

Boss: This interview is not about me. What if you saw a horse, but it was standing so that its head was in a barn, or something. Would you, maybe, be attracted to that horse’s rear end?

Centaur: Uh.. I don’t.. where is the head, exactly?

Boss: It’s in the barn.. or behind a door, or a vase, or something.. so you can’t see it.

Centaur: Uh.. I might be attracted to it – briefly.

Boss: Okay. So, let’s say, hypothetically, that you could have sex with the back end.. and it’s guranteed to be the greatest sex you ever had.. but you’d never know if it was as horse or as Centaur?

Centaur: Hmm.. you know, that’s pretty intriguing.. uh.. if I’d really never know, I guess I would.

Boss: It was a horse.

Centaur: Oh, come on!

Boss: It was a horse. Deal with it. Now.. could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder?

Centaur: Yes.

Boss: Do you dump wherever you’re standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

Boss: I’ve seen that establishment. You eat steak.. is that some kind of cannibalism?

Centaur: I’m sorry, could we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications?

Boss: Absolutely. Let me just find the right paperwork.. [ looks through his notes ] Um.. here we go.. Is there Centaur pornography?

Centaur: That is not a medical question!

Boss: Do you want this job?

Centaur: [ sighs ] Yes, there is Centaur porn.

Boss: If I were to watch Centaur porn.. but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard.. would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing?

Centaur: Well.. maybe.. But you’ve got to remember that, at some point, there’s gonna be a horse penis in there.

Boss: Fair enough. I think that’s all the Centaur questions I have. I want to thank you for coming in, we’ll be in touch.

Centaur: I appreciate it. Um.. can I just ask you: did I get the job?

Boss: No. I’m sorry.. we don’t hire dirty Centaurs.

[ fade out ]

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