A Doctrine Of Dunces

ANTI-ABORTION ASSHOLES AT “CREATED EQUAL” CREATE PRETTY GOOD ARGUMENT FOR SATANISM

Created Equal, the dismal Ohio-based anti-abortion group behind the the doctrinally challenged YouTube “documentary” “Abortion: A Doctrine of Demons,” would actually make fair Satanic bloggers if they ever put their minds to it. Or to anything really.

Sure, the video, which makes liberal abuse of various public statements by Satanists about abortion access, is muddled, wrongheaded, childish, and roughly as consistent as the atmosphere atop Mount Everest.

And sure, the yutzes behind it have all the hallmarks of being con artists, rubes, or intransigent cattle transformed into men by a winsome pagan god in a latter age.

But credit where it’s due, they make a fair case for the appeal of Modern Satanism. If only they knew it.

This was a weird week generally for people who lack any perspective at all on the state of the world.

Over in Kentucky, Democrat Andy Beshear won the governor’s race. Catholic anti-abortion obsessives Life Site News (seemingly without a life themselves) furnished this lukewarm take hours later: “Kentucky just elected a governor who held a fundraiser with someone who kills babies for a living.”

In a moment of almost-lucidity, a conspiracy asshole on Twitter responded, “How is this possible?”

Yes, good question. If we think about it for even a few minutes, it seems highly unlikely that a platform of baby murder made a successful campaign in this, the year of Oh Lord 2019.

Rather than follow that single golden thread to the realization that this must not actually be what happened (and thus presumably to Enlightenment beyond), the weirdos chose instead to collapse into confusion, like a Jenga tower on a slow-motion trampoline.

Things are no better on the other side of the pond, where Sian Norris reported on London-based anti-abortion conspiracy raves at Clarkson Academy, featuring some of these truth duds:

“His exact words were ‘homosexual agenda is one front of the Satanic revolution. Other fronts include abortion.’ Abortions are ‘ritual child sacrifices,’ he continued, claiming that Satanists conduct ritual abortions in (unnamed) ‘high profile’ facilities in the US, including women who sway while chanting ‘our bodies, ourselves.'”

That swaying bit is also how I got out of a lot of gym class, for the record.

But the acme of this week’s un-self awareness from people who argue fetal awareness has got to be a couple of lads who founded a group called Created Equal. Which is a very friendly way of acknowledging it’s hard tell which of them is the bigger wank.

Created Equal–seen here dressed like every Mormon wedding you’ve ever had a nightmare about–started after Operation Rescue split apart 20 years ago, much the way twin fetuses will split and completely fuck up abortion theology.

Cofounders Mark Harrington and Seth Dreyer claim they’ve been “working full time to save babies” for decades. But most of that work must be making copies or ironing those identical white shirts, because I’ve never heard of them before.

They finally produced something material this week with a 20-minute YouTube documentary/spiritual delusion titled, “Abortion: A Doctrine of Demons,” which is what happens when you never bother to brainstorm beyond a working title.

This meandering video narrated by some kid in short pants has trouble making up its mind about what it wants to say, so in the end it just orders the boilerplate: “abortion is murder” (even though nobody who says so acts like it) and also “Satanists love abortion.”

For the latter point, Created Equal helped themselves to a lot of other people’s footage of Satanic Temple members talking about abortion access over the years. Apparently believing that IP access is all created equal too.

Although the boys claim that Satanic abortion “sacrifices” harken all the way back to the old Moloch malarky, oddly enough they seem only just now to have discovered this. Not a word on the Created Equal site mentions Satan or Satanism, which seems like quite an oversight. Like if I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter never talked about butter.

But there’s nothing special about the things Created Equal gets wrong. In this they’re interchangeable with countless other fundy fruitcakes who have deciphered how to use a keyboard but little else about the modern age.

What struck me on watching “A Doctrine of Demons” (which I did on 2x speed, because I’ve only got ten minutes at most for recycled trash) are the parts that they got right–without knowing it.

Of Modern Satanists, the scamps say, “The ultimate value they fight for is autonomy,” followed swiftly by, “The greatest representative of autonomy is Satan.”

Which…yeah, actually, I might put that quote on my business cards.

Or how about this gem, noting that while some other Satanists might believe in a supernatural devil, “Others merely thirst for autonomy, and find in the idea of Satan the desires of their heart.”

That’s…not bad, short pants Created Equal narrator kid. Keep that up and you could be doing this job before you know it. Got anymore for us?

“Abortion defenders and Satanists want freedom to sin.”

Indeed, that’s true. If we don’t have “freedom to sin,” then in what way are we free at all, especially given the extreme breadth of the term “sin” across all of theology? As we’ve noted before in this space, freedom of sinning defines all religious freedom.

The Created Equal kids don’t really appreciate the nuances of what they’re accidentally saying, of course. Just like they don’t realize that when they say Satanists “reject the inherent value man has as god’s image-bearer” that said value is actually none, and that’s what makes this a radical and insightful statement.

But sometimes the rock in your shoe turns out to be a diamond, life’s funny that way.

The swine have one additional pearl for us too, as they warn in closing, “What was once unthinkable has become normalized, and even celebrated.”

And this, of course, is the essence of progress, without which hardly anything these twits take for granted would be possible. So if that’s A Doctrine Of Demons, then go right ahead and rock me, Asmodeus.

You know, being a Modern Satanist is hard sometimes. It has its ups and downs. But you can always count on our friends in Jesus to reaffirm our lack of faith for us.