21 Lies I Told Myself as a Closeted Bisexual

Before reaching the coming-out point, we tell ourselves a lot of lies.

We try to justify things. We try to explain it away. We try to do whatever it takes to make ourselves fit into that perfect heteronormative mold society wants us to fit into.

As a closeted bisexual teen, I told myself plenty of lies. I didn't understand who I was or what my attractions meant.

For a long time, I genuinely thought I was straight. I referred to myself as an ally, and I meant it. But there were a lot of inaccuracies floating around in my pubescent brain. There were misconceptions, misunderstandings, misinformation, and just a whole lot of B.S.

Since coming out at 18, I look back and I find it funny. Oh, sweet baby McKenna. She had no clue.

Now, I want to make it known that it's okay if you told yourself a few half-truths when you were in the closet. We all did. We all do.

Here's my list. Here are the things I felt and thought. Here's a taste of the crap I told myself to help it all make a bit more sense in my mind.*

*The bolded parts are the lies. The italicized parts are the truth.

1. It's probably just a girl crush.

It's not.

2. I mean, girl crushes exist, right? I don't want to do anything with her, I just want to be like her.

That's not what's happening here.

3. Because, you know, I'm straight.

Oh, sweetie. No you're not.

4. Everyone has sexy feelings for Eva Longoria. That is just fact. It doesn't matter what gender you are. At the end of the day, we would all make out with Eva Longoria. It doesn't mean I like women. I couldn't possibly.

Yes, you could possibly like women. And, yes, Eva Longoria is amazing and hilarious and brilliant and we should all love her, but that doesn't mean we're all attracted to her.

5. What would I even be anyway? I definitely like men, so that leaves me with what? Bisexuality? That's not even a real thing.

Yes, it is.

6. So I'm definitely straight then. Super straight. I'm swimming in a straight stream, people.

Nope.

7. Okay, so maybe the stream has a few curves to it, but whose doesn't? Everyone's a little gay for someone.

Are they, though? That's probably not for you to say.

8. I'm totally not bi though. Bisexuality is a myth. I don't even understand how anyone could ever actually be bi.

Yes, you do.

9. Like, what, you're just not going to pick a side your whole life? Please. Everybody picks a side.

No, they don't. And the term "pick a side" invalidates bisexuality, pansexuality, etc. and sets up an incorrect gender binary. Not cool on so many levels.

10. It totally doesn't feel really freeing to be able to sing Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" in public.

It really does, though. Say what you will about that song, but at age 15 it was liberating as hell.

11. Maybe I'm not bisexual though because I can't really picture being with a girl.

The crush you have on that girl in math class would say otherwise.

12. Even if I was attracted to women, it wouldn't really matter until I dated someone of my own gender.

It matters because it's a part of your identity regardless of who you're dating.

13. I could probably just not tell anyone as long as I was only dating people of other genders.

You could. You'll feel better if you don't.

14. I could live happily not caring that people don't know about my sexuality.

No, you can't. Maybe some people can, but you can't.

15. People are going to assume I'm straight, which is fine because I am.

You're not, and it's not fine to assume anything about someone's identity.

16. Okay, well... I'm kind of straight... Maybe not totally, but mostly...

Not at all, actually. You're 100% bisexual. Not 50/50 staight and gay -- 100% bisexual.

17. I still can't identify as bi though. Nobody would understand that. I'll just sound slutty or like I need attention.

Only ignorant people will think that. You'll set the record straight (pun intended).

18. I'd probably be the only bi person I know, anyway. There aren't whole lot of bi people in the world. We're pretty rare.

We're not rare at all. We're everywhere.

19. Fine, I'm bi. But I still don't need to come out. It doesn't really matter right now.

You don't need to, no. But you'll feel so much better when you do.

20. I don't know. Maybe I'm not bi. I don't want to come out and then have to tell everyone something different later.

You're bi. You know it. Even if you realized you were something other than bi down the road, you're allowed to alter labels about your own identity. Nobody knows your identity but you.

21. I don't know how to be bisexual.

Yes, you do. You're already doing it. Be attracted to people of your gender and people of other genders. Congrats. You're a gold star bisexual.