(First can we talk about that title? Snore-whore is my new vocab word of 2014, I’m obsessed.)

So it has been an unfortunate series of events that some of my past sexual conquests have just been downright boring as shit in bed. I mean, my last partner engaged in the exact same position every single time we did it. Which is just depressing. Especially when I’m up there continuously trying to switch things up and he’s just content to lay back and do absolutely nothing. Especially when you damn well know he goes to the gym daily. If you lift weights all day you can lift me as well, damnit. That sort of sex really does not quench this girls thirst.

So obviously one needs to at least attempt to move onto bigger and better things, but really, looking back I’ve had a pretty poor track record.

I mean, can we talk about my first time? Even though it was thoroughly decided that sex with that current boyfriend would be commencing and I felt him moving on top of me, I had no idea we were even having sex. I felt a whole lot of absolutely nothing, zip, niltch, nadda. I remember being so bored I asked him “Is this lamp behind me plugged in? Like, could I turn it on if I wanted to?” Pillow talk. I’m the best at it. My sex appeal went through the roof at that comment I am sure. But in my defense, if I can’t feel anything, and it’s so dark I can’t see anything, how am I supposed to even remember my first time?

And although after a while I did actually begin to feel and obviously enjoy sex, it was always plain. We had sex “efficiently” but never in any exciting or new ways. Which y’know, I feel like unless people are super confident in themselves, just won’t happen a lot of the time. I’ve heard people say they are too scared to try new things with a partner because they don’t want to be judged if their partner isn’t into it, or completely fuck it up and lose their “veil of 100% sexy.” But seriously guys, sex is going to be awkward and clumsy and hilarious sometimes, which to me doesn’t make it lose it’s sexiness. Come on, someone who can laugh with you in bed is so much more sexy than someone who is putting on a sexy pout the whole time as they lay back like a fish and let you do all the work.

So I didn’t realize this post was going to involve a list, but looky-here it’s going to! All full of surprises. Possible ways to experiment and switch things up in the bedroom. Or maybe in the kitchen? Shower? Look at you already switching it up!

1) Suggest you watch porn together.

This way not only will you see just in general what they’re into when they suggest a certain video, but also just how they react to different things in the video will give you a heads up, even if they are too shy to actually say what they’re into. It’ll also just give you both new ideas of things to try out!

2) Buy a book like the kama sutra

And go through it together! You can check off ones that look amazingly awesome, and maybe decide okay, next time we have sex, we’ll try A, B and C. Or maybe try to go through the entire book of positions. If you really want to go for gold I know there is a 365 day challenge where every day for a year you try a new position in the book, which although can sound a little exhausting is like music to my ears.

3) Don’t be afraid to start putting even just a toe out of your comfort zone

Just start trying tamer things that can lead into whatever kinkier sex you may be into. Light bondage and roleplaying can be something totally new and exciting which can get you interested in exploring new ways of being all sexy. And trust me, they are super fun.

4) Just talk about it

Inside and outside of the bedroom, ladies and gentlemen. Although it could seem kind of weird to bring it up while just sitting at the kitchen table, I am sure you will not regret it! It’s also less impulsive, give you both time to talk out what you’re wanting and how to make it so you both can have mind blowing sex. And don’t be afraid to lay it all out on the table, if you’re not comfortable with telling them all your kinks then maybe it’s not an awesome pairing for ya?

So the moral of the story is there are definitely ways to more exciting sex! Whether it be communication with your current partner or just downright finding yourself a new one. The latter of which I’ve decided to do, and this new guy, who has already left bite marks on my neck after just dancing together at a club has a saying: “Fuck as if you’re fighting and you’ll never actually fight.”

Uhhhh, oh my god yes.

All of my super excited love,

Archaeology.