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Thank God for the corporate media. If it wasn’t for them, and the ADL, I’d have probably never discovered that I’m a Nazi. Apparently, I’ve been one for quite some time … which is weird, as I had no idea. Here I was, naively believing that I’d been writing about global capitalism and the realignment of political power and ideology in the post-Cold War world, when all along I had really just been persecuting the Jews. I didn’t think I was persecuting the Jews. But such is the insidious nature of thoughtcrime. When you’re a Nazi thought criminal (as I apparently am), it doesn’t matter what you think you’re thinking. What matters is what the global capitalist ruling classes tell you you’re thinking, which it turns out is often a lot more complicated and horrible than what you thought you were thinking.

For example, I’ve been thinking and writing about globalism, which most dictionaries define as “a national policy of treating the whole world as a proper sphere for political influence,” or “the development of socioeconomic networks that transcend national boundaries,” or something like that … which was more or less my understanding of the term. Little did I know that these fake “definitions” had been infiltrated into these dictionaries by discord-sowing Strasserist agents to dupe political satirists like myself into unknowingly spreading anti-Semitism as part of Putin’s Master Plan to destroy the United States of America and establish worldwide Nazi domination.

Fortunately, the lexicography experts in the corporate media and the Anti-Defamation League cleared that up for me earlier this month. According to these experts, words like “globalist” and “globalism” don’t really mean anything. They are simply Nazi code words for “the Jews.” There is actually no such thing as “globalism,” or “global capitalism,” or “transnational capitalism,” or “supranational quasi-governmental entities” like the International Monetary Fund, the World Trade Organization, the European Commission, and the European Central Bank … or, OK, sure, there are such entities, but there is no legitimate reason to discuss them, or write about them, or even casually mention them, and anyone who does is definitely a Nazi.

Now, imagine my horror when I took that in, especially given my repeated references to “the corporatocracy,” “global capitalism,” and “the global capitalist ruling classes” in the essays I’ve been publishing recently. I didn’t want to accept it at first, but the more “authoritative sources” I consulted, the more glaringly obvious my thoughtcrimes became.

These authoritative sources were reacting to Trump referring to Gary Cohn as “a globalist” in his rambling remarks in the Oval Office, which went a little something like this: “He may be a globalist, but I still like him. He is seriously a globalist. There’s no question … in his own way. But you know what, he’s also a nationalist. He loves our country and … where is Gary?” While the experts are still scouring the video for Nazi gestures and facial expressions, there can be no doubt that Trump said the word “globalist.” The corporate media and the ADL could not allow this transgression to stand.

Peter Beinart, writing in The Atlantic, explained that “globalist” is “an epithet … a modern-day vessel for a slur” against the Jews, and he linked to a video of Jonathan Greenblatt, CEO of the ADL, who verified that “the term ‘globalist’ was developed and originated in extremist circles populated by white supremacists” (by which I can only assume he meant the Anti-globalization Movement, which apparently is just a big Nazi front). Eli Rosenberg, inThe Washington Post, although allowing that “globalist” can sometimes mean “globalist,” emphasized that, “to some observers of extremism,” it also “speaks to something darker.” Bret Stephens, in The New York Times,couldn’t quite decide whether using the word makes you an official goose-stepping Nazi or just a garden variety anti-Semite. CNN’s Don Lemon, delving into “the ugly history” of the word, explained that “it is shorthand for a worldview based on racism, xenophobia, and anti-Semitism” … the worldview of “far right conspiracy theorists obsessed with prominent Jews like George Soros.” And these are just a few of the many examples.

After processing all these “authoritative” statements by these “respected experts” and “credible news sources,” I felt like I’d been walking around with a Swastika branded into my forehead. I was overcome by a sudden need to signal my anti-anti-Semitism to my friends, family, and the world at large. After destroying my old Pink Floyd CDs and apologizing to Jerry Seinfeld on Twitter, I immediately ran and confessed to my wife, who just happens to be “a globalist,” and begged her to call her family members who control the media, the banks, and Hollywood and ask them to forgive me my thoughtcrimes. Then I drafted an email to the SPLC asking whether they could possibly squeeze me into their interactive Hate Map somewhere, or at least let some neo-McCarthyite hack publish a ridiculous, paranoid smear piece about my Nazi vocabulary on their website.

Seriously, though, all satire aside, this stigmatization of terms like “globalist,” “globalism,” and “global capitalism” is a key component of The War on Dissent which the global capitalist ruling classes have been waging against a broad assortment of insurgent elements for the last eighteen months. It isn’t just a question of delegitimizing dissidents by smearing them as anti-Semites, Russian agents, and conspiracy theorists. The goal is also to conceal the essential nature of the conflict itself. The essential nature of the conflict is neoliberalism versus neo-nationalism. This is what we are experiencing currently, not a Russian assault on Western democracy, nor even a resumption of the Cold War, but, rather, the global capitalist ruling classes putting down a neo-nationalist insurgency … the insurgency that led to the Brexit referendum and the presidency of Donald Trump.

Now, here’s where things get a little tricky, particularly for those of us on the Left (whatever that label even means anymore). The neo-nationalists can come right out and call the conflict what it is. It is in their interest to call it what it is. They may not be opposing capitalism, but they are certainly opposing global capitalism. In doing so, they are attracting people who are not so thrilled about being governed by unaccountable global corporations and supranational non-governmental bodies, people who are still emotionally attached to outdated concepts like national sovereignty, national culture, and crazy stuff like that. Some of these folks are actual neo-Nazis, but most of them are just regular people who know when they are being pissed on by global capitalism and told it’s raining. The point is, the neo-nationalists can describe their opponents as exactly what they are, global capitalists, or just plain old globalists. Neoliberals do not have this luxury.

See, the problem for the capitalist ruling classes is that global neoliberalism (i.e., globalism) is a really tough sell to regular folks. They can’t just come out and explain to people that national sovereignty is essentially dead, and that political power now resides among a network of global corporations (which couldn’t care less about their “nationality”) exploiting a globalized labor market (which is why their “good jobs” are not coming back) and a globalized financial market (which is why almost everything is being privatized and their families are being debt-enslaved). Nor can they admit that the “War on Terror” and the European refugee crisis it has caused, and the chaos and slaughter in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Yemen, Syria, et cetera, is the predictable result of global capitalism aggressively restructuring the Greater Middle East, which it started doing more or less immediately after the collapse of the Soviet Union (i.e., as soon as the final impediment to its pursuit of global hegemony was removed). This kind of thing doesn’t go over very well, not with most regular working class people.

So what the global capitalist ruling classes have to do is … well, they have to lie. They have to disseminate a different narrative, a narrative that has nothing to do with the hegemony of global capitalism, the dissolution of national sovereignty, and the privatization of virtually everything. Because people aren’t total morons, this narrative needs to bear some resemblance to the actual conflict taking place. So, all right, a little rebranding is in order. Global neoliberalism becomes “Western democracy,” neo-nationalism becomes “Nazism,” and Vladimir Putin becomes Adolf Hitler.

Presto! Now things are nice and simple! History, geopolitics, and socioeconomics vanish into the ether! Capitalism schmapitalism! This is no time for critical thinking, not with Putin-Nazis coming out of the woodwork! No, this is a time to rally behind the freedom fighters at the FBI, the CIA, the corporate media, and the rest of the military industrial complex, and to mercilessly hunt down Russian infiltrators, Putin sympathizers, crypto-Assadists, neo-Strasserian, alt-right entryists, and other sowers of division and discord! We need to get these folks delegitimitized, stigmatized as racists and anti-Semites, or terrorists, or some other type of “extremist,” before they can “influence” anyone else with their Facebook ads and subversive essays.

You will know them by the words they use, and by the words they do not use. Anybody using words like “globalist,” “global capitalism,” or “neoliberal,” or suggesting that anyone voted for Trump or Brexit for any reason other than racism, you can pretty much rest assured that they’re Nazis. Also, anyone writing about “banks” or the “deep state.” Absolutely Nazis. Oh yeah, and the “corporate media,” naturally. Only Putin-Nazis talk like that. Oh, and definitely anyone who hasn’t spent the last two years attacking Trump (as if there has been anything else to focus on), or has implied that “the Russians” aren’t out to destroy us, or that the historical moment we are living through might be just a bit more complex than that … well, you know what they’re really saying. They’re saying, “we need to exterminate the Jews.”

Look, I could go on and on with this, but I don’t think I really need to. Remember, I’m a Nazi thought criminal now. So just go back and read through some of my essays and make note of all the coded Nazi messages, or check with the Anti-Defamation League, or the SPLC, or the corporate media, or … well, just ask the good folks at Google.