How to Stop Worrying About Being Liked

Break out of your approval-seeking mindset

Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash

As part of my training as a therapist, I underwent personal therapy for two years. Two years is a lot of therapy.

I spent the first few sessions vomiting out what I considered to be the most therapy-appropriate material. Anything resembling childhood trauma. Reflections on my recent period of serious illness. The time a gang of strangers assaulted me.

Around week six, what I thought of as the “B”-grade material started coming out. Reflections on my perceived inadequacies, previous relationships, money worries.

But one thing kept coming up. Something I wasn’t expecting. I started to realize how much I cared about how much other people like me.

I spent a good two-thirds of my time in that therapy chair obsessing about other people. I would ruminate over:

Whether I was fitting in;

What I might have said or done to upset people;

Any uncomfortable interactions I’d had with strangers that week.

I started to realize how much I depended on the approval of others — even people I didn’t know. I started to wonder if this was normal. And through my work as a therapist, I came to realize that actually — it kind of is.

Once I decided to get ahold of this problem, I started:

Exploring the reasons why I needed to seek approval and have everyone like me;

I needed to seek approval and have everyone like me; Thinking about the ways in which other people shared this tendency;

this tendency; Learning to accept myself and stop worrying about the approval of others.

I’m still a little self-conscious. Even writing this article, I’m kind of nervous about who might end up reading it. Making a good impression on people, and being well-thought of, are still important to me. But they’re no longer a source of anxiety.

Here’s how you can start letting go of these insecurities.

Go Easy On Yourself

Your approval-seeking mindset started a long time ago

When training as a therapist, I learned a lot about how our childhood experiences shape us. I’m also interested in the influence of evolution on the human personality. Understanding these two things is crucial to understanding how we came to be who we are. But neither is within our control. Acknowledging this fact is a crucial first step toward self-acceptance and change.

Remember that the two major influences on your personality are:

Your parents ;

; Your ancient ancestors.

Your Parents

Photo by Susan Holt Simpson on Unsplash

Your relationship with your parents (or whoever raised you) has a huge influence on you. This is now considered obvious. But it wasn’t until the 20th century that people first began to realize quite how important this can be.

In the 1970s, Psychologist Mary Ainsworth ran an experiment called the Strange Situation. The subjects of the experiment were a group of 28 1-year-old children, who were observed individually over a 21 minute period. Adults, including their primary caregiver (usually the mother), came in and out of the room. Ainsworth and her team studied the children’s reactions.

Ainsworth saw three patterns of behavior emerge, known as attachment styles:

Secure — these children played happily when their caregiver was in the room. They became upset when their caregiver left, and were happy when they returned. They treated their caregiver as a “secure base.”

— these children played happily when their caregiver was in the room. They became upset when their caregiver left, and were happy when they returned. They treated their caregiver as a “secure base.” Anxious-avoidant — these children showed little distress when the caregiver left the room. They seemed not to care when their caregiver returned.

— these children showed little distress when the caregiver left the room. They seemed not to care when their caregiver returned. Anxious-ambivalent — these children were clingy when their caregiver was present. They began to appear distressed even before their caregiver left the room. When their caregiver returned, the children appeared angry or helpless.

Anxious-ambivalent children tend to have unpredictable parents. This causes confusion, and a desperate need for approval. Many parents raise anxious children. Almost all of them love their children very much, and try their best.

Ainsworth’s study was about infants. But these attachment styles can be observed in adults, too.

Psychologist and philosopher Dr. Berit Brogaard observes that:

“Anxiously attached individuals tend to become overachievers because they implicitly believe that this will provide them with attention and affection. They perceive others as difficult to understand, as inscrutable and unpredictable. They furthermore tend to be hypersensitive to criticism and rejection.”

This has implications for how anxiously-attached individuals interact with others. In their 2009 study Insecure attachment and depressive symptoms, Burnette et al observe that when they experience a perceived challenge in a relationship, people with an anxious attachment style:

“become preoccupied with uncertainty about whether they are cared for, tend to amplify the negative consequences of relationship difficulties, and often ruminate excessively.”

Does this sound like you? I know this feeling. I couldn’t bear to feel I had annoyed or offended someone. I would closely watch their manner for signs of irritation. I’d fret and worry about what I’d said to upset them. If I actually had said something upsetting or inappropriate, I’d find myself unable to stop thinking about it. I’d replay the event over and over in my mind.

I’m not altogether sure whether I have an anxious attachment pattern. I had a good upbringing, and to be honest I’m not sure it’s helpful to spend too long speculating or putting people in boxes. But I do think it’s helpful to acknowledge that some of our traits and tendencies might have origins beyond our control. How we deal with them in adulthood is in our control.

Your Ancestors

An approval-seeking mindset is by no means rare. I have learned, through my work and my personal life, that a lot of people have these anxious-ambivalent attachment tendencies. We’ve seen how this tendency can emerge as a result of issues in childhood. There might also be an evolutionary reason that this happens so often.

Where a trait is common to a lot of people, it normally represents some adaptive evolutionary advantage. It’s hard to see how this could be the case for anxious attachment patterns. But evolutionary psychologists have suggested that this trait serves a wider purpose.

Before countries, cities, villages or even tribes, humans lived in bands of about 30–50 people. Our species spent hundreds of thousands of years living in this way — it’s the sort of community that we’re all built for. Our brains adapted to deal with a tiny group of intimate companions, on whom our survival depended completely. In this context, it becomes clearer why we might worry so much about the approval of others

In their 2010 journal article The Attachment Paradox, Ein-Dor et al consider the role that people with an anxious attachment style might have served in these early human communities. In a dangerous situation, people with secure personalities are good at staying calm, rallying and leading the group. But having anxious people in the group also serves a purpose. They are hyperaware of dangers, and so might spot such situations arising in the first place.

Robert Wright also offers this explanation for social anxiety in his book Why Buddhism is True:

“The ancestral environment — the environment of our evolution — featured lots of social interaction, and this interaction had great consequence for our genes. If you had low social status and few friends, that cut your chances of spreading your genes, so impressing people mattered.”

Our hang-ups served their purpose. They made it more likely that we’d survive and reproduce in humanity’s unforgiving early years. But they have outlived their usefulness.

We need to adapt to our current environment — even if this goes against our instincts.

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I don’t advocate dwelling on the past, or obsessing over why you experience life in your own particular way. The most interesting observations you can make about yourself relate to the “here and now.” But it is worth exploring the reasons why we get so hung up on what others think of us. I’ve found this makes it easier for me to forgive myself for these unhelpful thought patterns.