ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Federal Government has been forced to step in and protect Australians looking to purchase a new Holden by forcing them to undergo a brain scan to make sure their head is not full of rocks.

Scans are also meant to make sure their head is on the right way, that it’s not on backwards or blowing any blue smoke because the pistol rings are fucked in it.

The nation’s consumer watchdog, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission, said this afternoon that far too many people have purchased a Holden in the past few years and many of them ultimately regretted the decision later.

“We just want to make sure consumers know there’s literally a thousand better choices when it comes to buying an automobile,” said the ACCC’s spokesperson.

“You name it, it’s better than buying a Holden. One of those new MG deathtraps? You bet. A Jeep? It’s close but buying a Holden is slightly worse. I’d rather strap my baby into the tray of a Proton Jumbuck with electrical tape and pigeon spit than strap him into a Holden Acadia or whatever that wookatook-looking thing’s called,”

“General Motors and Holden sent their million-dollar taxpayer-funded bailout packages straight back to Detroit and closed down local manufacturing. Fuck them and the fucking lion they rode in on. It wouldn’t be that bad if the cars they sent us in return were any good. Just look at the Commodore! It looks like fucking Psyduck! And even that bastard had a better idea of what it was compared to whatever that Commodore did. Just buy a fucking Mazda or Toyota and be done with it,”

“Or get an old Falcon. That 4.0L Barra is bulletproof. No fucking timing chains to worry about. If I didn’t drown my fucking comprehensively-insured VE Berlina in a table drain last year, I’d be on the squat for three fucking thousand dollars to get them fixed! Fucking that dog of a fucking car. I hope they melted that fucking thing down and turned it into those all-steel seat-less public shitters you find in parks. That’s the only use it’s fit for!”

The ACCC spokesperson concluded the press conference by saying their decision was in no way influenced by their own customer experience with Holden.

Another spokesperson appeared and apologised on behalf of the organisation then asked the reporters to disregard what they’d just heard.

More to come.



