gif via Reign Daily

Carrie: My major takeaway from this episode: Greer’s green dress was to die for. That’s not to say I didn’t like the episode, because duh it’s REIGN, but so much of the drama seemed manufactured, as opposed to integral to the central conflict.

Alle: MY major takeaway from this episode was that Torrance Coombs (aka: Bash) favourited a particularly awesome tweet that I wrote.

This means he’s my boyfriend now, right? RIGHT?

Tim: Bitch, step back, I will feed you to Clarissa. I plan to do whatever it takes to get that man to notice me, and if it means tweeting a sonnet a day so be it.

Carrie: The whole thing that happened with Bash and the line of succession in the previous episode was a stroke of genius on both Mary as a character and on the part of the show’s writers, because it added endless possibilities for complication, danger, and emotional wranglings between Mary, Bash and Francis. It was cool to see Bash acting all kingly and I obviously enjoyed Mary playing the part of midwife, too.

Alle: Can I just say that I LOVE how this show is acting like changing the line of succession was just something that people decided to do one day, and it was super-easy? Like, okay, Hot King, ride off to Rome and get the Pope to anull your marriage to freaking CATHERINE DIMEDICI for literally no reason so that you can marry your long-time mistress. That is TOTALLY something that you could do.

Carrie: But episodes like this one, weird wild rides with characters that come in and come out aren’t my favorite. The pagan plot isn’t really either, although I guess in some ways it’s growing on me. I miss the king. I miss Queen Catherine having power, although it’s kind of cool to see her grovel, especially when Kenna and Lola played her so well with that letter plot. I was surprised to see Mary so upset at Bash when she thought he was pagan, because I feel as if she’s been portrayed as so openminded (and openhearted) so far.

Tim: The “pagans are just like us” plot was hokey-ass, neoliberal, happy multiculti, anachronistic (altho calling anything on this show anachronistic is sort of beside the point) nonsense, but I’m so easy, I still fell for every minute of it. Was anybody else singing GOD HELP THE OUTCASTS from Disney’s Hunchback while watching those scenes, or was it just me?

Alle: Okay, can we talk for a minute about Catherine in jail? I LOVE Catherine in jail. Keep her there forever, it makes her hilarious. I laughed out loud when we first saw her cell, because OF COURSE she has glamourous gowns and cooks and interior designers. I wouldn’t want my Evil Queen any other way.

Tim: I was SHOCKED by how awesome Catherine in jail was. I was super worried this would ruin her, because nothing’s worse than a powerless soap villainess, but they gave her some of the best dialogue of the series this week, she was EVISCERATING those poor little girls with dat tongue.

Alle: Oh man, YES. She WON this episode in terms of excellent lines. Even though her assassination plot failed, her delivery of “I don’t attempt to do anything–I do it,” was EXCELLENT. Likewise “The longer I am made to wait, THE MORE CREATIVE I WILL BE IN MY RETRIBUTION!” Perfect. I know that the trope of isolating a main character as a way of showing their true colours as their defences go down is an old one, but I am enjoying it.

Also nice to see the American Girl Dolls doing something other than lounging or giggling. Go Lola, play hardball. I’m glad she got to have a character moment this episode, because apart from the blonde one who died last season, she’s had the least to do.

Tim: I was thrilled to see Lola kick some ass – I’ve been saying since the beginning that I think Anna Popplewell is the most experienced and talented actress of the group, and have been eager for them to use her more. She played heavily into the first episode or two, but once her boy got bled out in the blood wood, she didn’t really have her own story anymore.

Carrie: Also, I have VERY mixed feelings about Mary/Bash/Mabastian/whatever. I know you both love them, but it just doesn’t feel….right…to me. He’s hot and they’re hot together—um his eyes—but something about it is meh. It doesn’t give me, like, heart-thumping, yearn-y fairytale princess stirrings inside my heart like Mary and Francis do.

Alle: I am right there with you. I prefer the character of Bash in every single way–I think he’s more fully realised and interesting, he’s played by someone with a lot of charisma–but I still don’t understand what is going on with him and Mary, other than we keep being told that he has feelings for her.

The Francis-Mary-Bash love triangle–and I am about to date myself a bit here, sorry tumblr–reminds me A LOT of the Dawson-Joey-Pacey love triangle in Dawson’s Creek. The difference is that Dawson’s Creek SHOWED us Joey and Pacey developing feelings for one another. We watched them fall in love, and then we watched their relationships with Dawson unravel. It’s what made that a compelling, emotionally involved storyline.

Carrie: I think this is dead on, Alle. I would be able to get more on board with them if I felt like there was a real connection beyond that I know Bash likes Mary and I know the show is supposed to have a dramatic love triangle.

Alle: YES! Okay, it’s me and Carrie against the world here, it seems.

But I GUESS we have to talk about the rest of the plot now. This whole “Mary and Bash THROWN TOGETHER AND FACING DANGERS” thing is becoming increasingly predictable. When Mary was like “Oh Bash, you’re off to do something dangerous! Take me with you!” I was like “Yes, that worked out so well last time.” A pregnant family member, threats of treason, weird Paganism, a race against time with a baby on the way…this stuff SHOULD be compelling, but it isn’t. They feel like plot devices, not authentic threats. Mary and Bash react to them well (mostly) once they’re IN them; it’s the getting them into them that feels forced.

I’d rather have an episode of Bash, Mary and Francis yelling at one another in the palace, and that’s all that happens, rather than have to sit through one more “OH NO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE BLOODWOOD FOR REASONS!” plotline. Bored. Boring.

Also, I loled at “THE PAGAN IS CALLING THE CATHOLIC IGNORANT?” and I probably shouldn’t have, but lol. Lol times one million.

Tim: I think the intention was for this episode’s pagan storyline to show (rather than tell) the growing bond between them… it was all about demonstrating Bash’s passion and loyalty to family and loved ones over abstract concepts like the nation, which ostensibly fuels Mary’s growing feelings for him. I guess I’m going to be the outlier in the group and say it all worked OK for me – this pairing still hasn’t delivered on its seeming potential, yet I was swooning while watching (maybe it’s just the Torrance effect) (Alle: It’s the Torrance effect, I am buying whatever he’s selling), so I’m good for now. I mean, “If I’m king, all I’ll care about is you,” is a ridiculous-ass thing to say, but it’s romantic as fuck, and I thought Adelaide Kane sold Mary’s reaction, there was zero ambiguity about the fact that the kiss she initiated was much more serious than her previous flirtations. Lots of stuff on this show is contrived as fuck, but the production design, pacing, dialogue, casting, etc., have been so ON from the get-go, that I’ve never felt any hesitation just giving my entire body and soul over to it, and silencing my critical faculties until after the dust settles. This episode was no exception.

…I’d also add that I don’t think the show has actually shown us the development of Mary and Francis’s feelings for each other, what they have shown us is them being instantly infatuated (with a connection that began in childhood) and then fighting their feelings for each other in various ways (like Francis’s tortured internal battle between love and country), or being interrupted by obstacles. I think the sad truth is that our twitter-pattery romance hearts go for THAT stuff, not like actual depth of relationship or intimacy. It’s why Liv and Fitz are so hot on Scandal, even though their dynamic is so fucked. I admit it’s been well done – I might be right there with you all shipping Mary and Francis, except I just can’t even look at that boy sometimes with those gross facial pubes, and general, like, lack of any formidable physical presence whatsoever, he’s just way too Tiger Beat for me. He’s a lot better than most self-righteous Dawson Leery types, because he is smart, consistently principled and has a serious backbone, he’s just so, so, so unsexy to me.

Carrie: I see your point and I am also guilty of shipping Liv and Fitz on Scandal and I will continue to do so no matter what, sorry Fitz-haters. Now that I think of it, there was a lot of Francis resisting liking Mary when she really liked him and then all of a sudden they were in FULL ON LOVE and then prophecy and oops, now Bash is the heir. I was really wondering how they were going to keep the show going though…I thought Mary would marry Francis and something terrible would happen re: their relationship and she would end up having a torrid affair with Bash. The thing that’s happened with the succession has surprised me. I don’t really like it, but I didn’t see it coming.

Alle: Weirdly, I’m not shipping any of them? Francis and Mary have the better connection, but they’re also more annoying with the “YES–NO” back and forth. I feel like I’d be down to ship Lola and Bash, though. Can we make that happen?

Carrie: I was soooo into the brief Lola/Bash pairing. I am shipping them. And if anything ever happened between them, it would create an interesting tension between Mary and her ladies, which I would LOVE.

Alle: Also, can we talk about the weird way this show deals with royalty? I feel like this was at the forefront of this episode, and although I see what they’re going for, I’m not sure it’s being executed in the right way.

It’s been clear from the start that this isn’t a historically accurate show, and I’m fine with that. The writers clearly want the relationships and interactions to be understandable–and relatable–to a modern teenage audience. Some of this works–I can’t see any fans shipping an arranged marriage between two people who don’t like each other very much, which is how most royal marriages worked. But some of it doesn’t, and this weirdness around the concept of royalty is a prime example.

Tim: For sure – and “royals are just like us,” (somebody queue LORDE) basically belongs to the same neoliberal philosophical strand as “pagans are just like Christians but with different traditions.” Bash and Mary are just so extraordinarily ethical, and ahead of their time, they’re able to anticipate the Enlightenment by a couple centuries. This is why we love them? That question mark was deliberate.

Alle: EXACTLY. The idea of being royal is one that we play with now, but it was a BIG DEAL in the time that Reign was set. You weren’t just a ruling King or Queen, you were chosen by God to rule on Earth. So when a character says anything to the effect of “Just because we’re royal, we’re not different from other people,” well, YES YOU ARE! You may not have more money. You may not be better looking or especially smart. But you are for DAMN SURE better than other people. That was the entire idea behind royalty at the time.

Oh, and Carrie, since you mentioned characters that just appear and disappear for no reason, what happened to Blonde Girl Francis Was Banging? Did she just…die in the tunnels?

Tim: Still hoping they’re saving this for later. I feel like I saw that Yael Groblas was still in for another episode or two later in the season, but I might’ve made this up. Also – didn’t Clarissa leave Nostradamus near death in the walls of the castle last week? But I saw him in next week’s preview, so I guess that will clear that situation up. It’s just funny to me that the castle’s A team is so absorbed by their weekly dramas they never notice anyone missing.

Alle: YES, can we please bring more Pretty Little Liars analogies into this? I was wondering where Sexy Nostradamus had gotten to, and you’re right, he’s been slowly dying but his BFF Evil Queen is like “Got my own problems” and everyone else who was pissed at him is just like “Eh, whatevs. I’m sure everything is fine.”

Now let’s talk about what REALLY matters: The clothes. That green dress on Greer was magnificent–I love when she’s dressed as an elegant lady, not as a model in the Free People catalogue–but Mary’s black dress with the gold corset was STUNNING. I have A+++ in my notes. I want to dress like that all the time.

Because I’m a beauty writer, I was also really sprung on Lola’s lipcolour (less on her dress, the sleeves of which looked like elaborate black mould). I asked the makeup team of Reign via twitter what she was wearing, and they told me it was Benefit Benetint with Burt’s Bees Pomegranate overtop. Just in case you guys want to duplicate that look (I do).

And I hate to mention it, but Evil Queen’s wig is HORRIBLE. That lacefront is so obvious, it’s distracting–and I didn’t watch this episode in HD, so jeez. And look, I know how hard wigs are to get right. They are expensive! They are tricky! But judging by how tightly it fits around her ears, that wig was either custom-made for her head, or custom-sized within an inch of its life. It’s gotta lay better on her forehead.

Tim: Catherine de Medici, you are a fierce, powerful queen. Now… sashay away.

Alle: Next episode I think we meet Mary’s mother. This is gonna be good. Reign has been really good about not just putting the focus on the hot teen leads; they make the adult characters just as interesting. Actually, they’re more interesting. Let me watch Diane and Evil Queen verbally sparring for an hour every week and I’m fine.

Carrie: Yes! I agree that the adult characters are well done. I can’t stand Diane (more so the actress who plays her, I guess, who reminds me of nothing so much as a particularly feminine and well-made up cobra or lizard), but I am strangely intrigued by her relationship with the King. And they had that hot sex scene! When do the adults in teen shows ever get hot sex scenes?!?! Megan Follows just mutilates her role as Catherine, and I love it.

Although no offense Alle, I don’t give a fuck about Nostradamus mainly because his voice seriously aggravates me. Which reminds me…will REIGN ever get a proper opening sequence that doesn’t re-tell the story over again every week? Maybe it’s just me, but I’m very annoyed by it. I know I’ve seen that kind of thing elsewhere in recent shows, so maybe it’s a trend.

Alle: None taken! I love Sexy Nostradamus just because I find the idea that they were like “Let’s put Nostradamus at French Court” and then went “BUT LET’S ALSO MAKE HIM HOT!” so fantastically absurd. I also live for the opening because it’s so awful. What accent does Nostradamus have, anyway?

And can I invite you guys to the wedding when I marry Torrance Coombs? End the article if the answer is yes!