Just as they looked to have finally reined in the absolute media shitstorm surrounding the devoutly religious and former part-time rugby player Pastor Israel Folau, Rugby Australia has confirmed that for some reason former cokehead James O’Connor has been welcomed back into the fold, albeit subject t o contractual clauses not seen since the Treaty of Waitangi.

In an effort to return to the good old days of Rugby when players said nothing more interesting in public than “It was a game of two halves” or the tried and tested “full credit to the opposition”, O’Connor will be prohibited from speaking anywhere other than the confines of his own home, with a special exception applying only when he needs to attract the attention of team mates during a match. Rugby Australia CEO Dawn French added that “on the advice of our sponsors, and the wider social media community, we’ve expanded the definition of speaking to include participating in any form of social media and most importantly, sharing personal opinions others don’t agree with”.

The Waterton Chronicle understands that O’Connor will be wheeled out of solitary confinement for this weekends game, in what’s being described by panic-stricken former Wallabies players turned incredibly biased commentators as a practice run to see if there’s any hope in hell of Australia winning a game at the upcoming Rugby World Cup after cutting loose the only half-decent Union player in the country. French went on to explain that O’Connor’s previous issues with Class A drugs were nowhere near as serious because the “naughty behaviour” occurred before the advent of what we now call ‘Cancel Culture’. “Oh yes, if James had done that in the last year or so, we definitely would have made it go viral by firing him on live television. But as it stands he’s all we’ve got left, so yeah. Good times” she said.

When approached for his thoughts on how it came to be that a drug user was readmitted to the flock so soon after he was sent to purgatory, Pastor Folau said it was obviously Gods will that O’Connor is back in the side. “He clearly let Jesus into his heart and look at the result! It’s glorious!”. The Pastor then cut the chat short, saying he had to deal with “the devils work” on his fundraising page, before dropping his Lamborghini off for its weekly grooming session.

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