Living as a more recently observant Jew (about a decade into observance) in the Bible Belt of Oklahoma means you’re going to be spending a lot of time answering questions from non-Jewish friends and on-lookers. I’m always happy to answer absolutely any questions anyone has about Jewish life. The only aspect of the process that irritates me is when people express what I can only describe as ignorant sympathy.

“You mean you can’t eat shellfish? I don’t what I’d do if I couldn’t eat my grandmother’s shrimp gumbo.”

“It’s a bummer that you can’t go to the movies with us on Friday night.”

“So, during that time, your wife and you don’t touch? Ah, that must be torture.”

I’ve heard every form of outsider sympathy imaginable at this point, so I’ve become accustomed to being able to let these carelessly flung comments graze my armor instead of sink too deep. However, when planning our wedding last year, it was a breath of fresh air when my then-wife-to-be said, “You know what? Forget the conventions of the typical American wedding. Let’s just make it a big party where a wedding happens to take place.” This made me think two things:

1) Holy crap, I love this woman.

2) Whoa, the unwritten albeit understood conventions of the typical American Wedding are WAY more stressful than the restrictions of daily Jewish life.

What the heck do I mean by this? I mean that when you take a step back from the typical American wedding, there seem to be more rules for this event than the restrictions for the entire Jewish Sabbath. Here are some of what I mean:

- Save the dates should be sent out 4–6 months in advance.

- The actual invitations should be mailed no sooner than 2 months out, but no later than 1 month out. They should be cursive on paper with raised designs or engraving.

- The Matron of Honor must arrange the Bachelorette party — same goes for the Best Man and the Bachelor party.

- All guests should provide a gift…but don’t bring it to the wedding itself. That’s just weird.

- The Bride and the Groom each pick out a handful of people close to them and of their same gender to accompany them. They should all be uniformly dressed, regardless of body styles.

- A color scheme must be selected and maintained AT ALL COSTS.

- The bride must wear white.

- The service must not last any longer than 15 minutes…I’m assuming due to the severe discomfort of the shoes.

- The rings are to be handled and delivered by children.

- Upon exiting, the couple are to be showered with bird seed or rice.

- The Bride and Groom are to have their own cakes, which they feed each other before anyone else can have any.

- The Bride and Groom are to have their own dance, to a song that will be with them the rest of their lives (no pressure) and no one else dances until they do.

- At some point during the reception, the Groom exposes wife’s leg, pulls off her garter-belt in front of all of their friends and family and flings it across the room to group of ravenous single men.

- The reception should contain a rendition of the song “YMCA” by the Village People and “The Electric Slide” by Marcia Griffiths.

- Unless circumstances do not allow for it, the Bride’s father foots the bill for this entire event.

The point of using this example was not to at all badmouth the traditional modern American wedding. There are people who spend their entire lives dreaming about this day, even if all of the guidelines listed above are strictly adhered to. Whether we see one culture’s lifestyle as restrictive, most all of us abide by cultural guidelines, written or unwritten, by which most of us strictly abide.

The reason the breed of of “pity comments” focused towards my own lifestyle are particularly irritating are because they assume I may feel resentment towards my own culture.

- Yes, I like the flavor of shellfish, but I celebrate being faithful to my beliefs. Besides, there are plenty of amazing kosher foods to take its place.

- Yes, it can be tricky to make plans with non-Jewish friends on the weekends, but I look forward to the tranquility of Erev Shabbat Friday nights all week long. No plans but to eat food, drink wine, and sing songs around the table at home? That will always sound incredible.

- Yes, there are times when observant spouses don’t touch at all, but I thoroughly look forward to coming up with new ways to show my wife how much I love her even when I can’t hold her…and besides, the minute that time is over…well…the anticipation…the…nevermind.

When my lifestyle is deemed forbidding or legalistic, I just imagine the pressures many brides face in planning their own weddings.

“She only spent $200 on a dress? How nice can it be?”

“Did you see that puny diamond in her ring? Is he serious?”

“I can’t believe they sat me at a table with her.”

“Those flowers didn’t match anything.”

In the same voice of “It’s a bummer that you can’t go to the movies with us on Friday night” I could say,

“It’s a bummer than you feel the need to live up to all of these unwritten guidelines for what other people feel is a beautiful wedding.”

Whether it’s a daily lifestyle or a coming of age ceremony, all that matters is whether or not you find it beautiful. Everyone else can chase their own idea of beauty however they see it.

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