Happy Easter! How are you celebrating? Perhaps you have bought a chocolate egg for yourself or a loved one. You may even be cooking a leg of slightly tough, not-quite-spring lamb.

Well, that just isn’t good enough. Our failing economy needs stimulating and your nub of grey meat and Mars egg are simply not sufficient. Rumour has it that George Osborne has an exciting new idea to get pensioners out collecting litter from motorways, then fashioning it into sculptures that they sell by the roadside – but the proceeds from that are urgently required to fund “fruit baskets of welcome” for non-doms. New ideas are needed.

The fact is, Easter has long lagged behind the other festivals in terms of the amount of spending it generates – not just Christmas, but Valentine’s Day, Halloween, St Patrick’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Mardi Gras… In failing to expand laterally into the marketplace, Easter is committing a “dereliction of its cultural duty to the economy”, according to the CBI, while a FTSE 100 chief executive asks: “Did Jesus die for nothing?”

So the department for business has put tenders out to various marketing companies and thinktanks, for ideas to help Easter fulfil its fiscal duty. A minister in the department explains: “The big question for us was: is the answer more eggs and bunnies, or do we need to get away from that and back to the brilliant original story or myth – can we check which it is please, Anthea? – you know, this hipster guy who knows how to come back from the dead and fly? Sorry Anthea? Yeah, as I said, come back from the dead.”

I have managed to get my hands on some of the correspondence that’s been going back and forth, and can give you a sneak preview of the ideas.

The Resurrection Negroni

A civil servant emails the good news: “Campari are 100% on board for this. Possible slogan, ‘If you spent Good Friday getting as hammered as Jesus but in a different way then, in the absence of the Lord’s ineffable love, you’ll need something special to get you back on your feet!’”

Facepalm Sunday

The minister’s own daughter dreamed up this hashtag-based concept, in which people will be invited to share anecdotes on social media about the stupidest things they’ve ever done. An update comes in from the finance dept: “Delighted to report that a major recruitment website, which prefers to remain anonymous, has secured perpetual rights to all the data.”

Hot Cross Everything

Beefeaters, the popular grilled meat chain, is off the blocks with an innovative culinary idea: “Whether you’re a fan of buns or a member of the KKK, everyone loves a hot cross! At participating outlets, EVERYTHING is hot cross this Easter.” The £17 special is a rib-eye seared with a cross, cruciate onion rings and a crucifix baked Alaska containing an icy little vanilla Jesus.

The Habitat Passion

PR gurus for the well-liked furniture retailer emerge, exhausted but triumphant, after an intense and patriotic all-night ideas session with senior department of business officials. The result: “Passion and Easter are synonymous. Christ’s passion on the cross, and our passion for quality home furnishings at affordable prices.”

Sexy costume parties

The Treasury has long been frustrated by the sight of skimpy witches’ outfits, hot cats and revealing cloaks every Halloween, while “Easter fancy dress” has never even existed let alone aroused. The buyers at Debenhams reassure top brass: “We are working with Playboy to perfect the Easter Playboy Bunny look – perfect for Campari-fuelled nights out in this exciting post-feminist era.”

Are you hiding an apostle?

A senior aide comes up with a great way of getting kids, dressed as Romans, to go round people’s houses. They ask if the householder is hiding an apostle and get bought off with Creme Eggs.

‘Nails of the True Cross’

The memo goes out direct from the CBI: “A great branding opportunity for a national chain of nail bars. Just think of the hoardings: feisty women with attitude, sporting magnificent fingernails and vaguely dressed as St Mary Magdalene, are seen tearing at Pontius Pilate’s face – someone like Nigel Havers, looking saucy.”

Christ’s Jerusalem Monopoly

“My kids have a Star Wars one,” the permanent secretary tells a minister irritably. “Is it so hard to make a version of the classic game based on Jerusalem in c.33AD? Players could compete to buy sections of the city and then build crosses on them.”

Spring sex festival

“The whole thing is definitely all based on some pagan springtime shagfest anyway,” texts the owner of a sex shop chain whose name you won’t yet know but she will be taking her seat in the Lords next year. “So what a great way to sell our new range of ‘love eggs’, old-style lambskin Trojans and nipple tassles made of chicken feathers.”

Three Days To A New You

“Decléor, Elemis, it’s a bloody bidding war!” crows a missive regarding the new beauty pitch, whereby women will be encouraged to have three full days of “pampering treatments” – moustache waxing, deep tissue massage and weight-loss body wraps (in a cave, ideally, if the salon has got one). All participating retailers are entitled to use the catchphrase: “By Monday, you’ll feel like you’ve been reborn!”