The best rule for how to write sex scenes is this one. Don’t.

This is good advice and I sincerely believe writers should take it. Not because sex is a bad or sex scenes are inherently bad. But because the written word is singularly well adapted to making the act of love sound ridiculous.

This advice applies to descriptions of sex acts only. The thoughts and emotional states of characters during sex scenes – arousal or attraction or doubt or embarrassment or worry or gratitude or relief or vanity or self-satisfaction, what have you – all these are fine, in fact they can be pretty darn interesting if they illuminate character or situation. It’s the who did what to who stuff that gets you in trouble.

Still think sex scenes can be sexy? I would at least encourage writers you know to follow these 7 rules for how to write sex scenes in novels.

1. Don’t include costumes, props, toys, food used for non-nutritive purposes, interior decoration, or multiple participants

If you can’t make the basics – two people, naked, bed, a little Barry White – compelling, then all this other stuff isn’t going to save you and just highlights your desperation.

2. Don’t include dialogue or phonetic transcriptions of love noises in sex scenes

This one is obvious and is an absolute prohibition, unless you’re playing the scene for comedy, in which case, pile on. Authors should avoid “Oh. Oh! Oooohh!”s for the same reason they avoid “Ha, ha, ha!”s. The effect of these words on the reader is the exact opposite of their meaning.

3. Don’t create orgies in mansions where everyone is wearing masks

What the heck is up with this? Maybe it is Arthur Schnitzler’s fault, or Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s, or Anne Declos’, but whoever is responsible, it is far past time for the whole business to STOP.

4. Don’t drag the sex scene out

Quickies are definitely best. A few well chosen words beat long paragraphs every time. If you write too much, you’ll fall into cliché or you’ll start using complicated metaphors that will earn you a nomination for the annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award.

5. Don’t give cute names to body parts

In the French lesbian erotic classic, Therese and Isabelle, the two young girls call each other’s clitorises “pearls”. This is pretty good once, but they keep doing it, and soon the repetition is so cloying it makes you want to shoot yourself (if the overly earnest tone of the novel doesn’t push you over the edge first).

6. Don’t write sex scenes if you’re an old man

This rule is important. Older male writers seem to write horny books, and the older they get, the hornier the books get. You suspect old men write these books to compensate for impotence. A little restraint will make readers believe the writer is still in his vigorous prime. I’m not going to name a lot of names here, but Philip Roth should think about it.

7. Don’t make it the greatest sex ever

Why is it that everyone in books always has mind-blowing sex? People do have transcendental sex on occasion, sure, but in between they have lots of okay sex. Or sex that isn’t working too well because they’re distracted by the strange noise the dishwasher is making. Or sex that plain just doesn’t work at all. (I understand this happens based on television commercials.) Want to make a real impression on your readers? Write about mediocre sex.