ARCHIVE August 8, 2014

AFRICA—Following the outbreak of Ebola virus in West Africa and the daily upsurge in fatalities arising from infections, prominent African leaders have reportedly held an emergency meeting to discuss how to tackle the disease and prevent it from infecting them and their families.

According to sources, leading African Presidents such as Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Yoweri Museveni of Uganda and Paul Biya of Cameroon—all three of whom have spent a paltry 94 years in power between them—emerged from their meeting with a resolution stating, “We will use all the people’s resources at our disposal to ensure that none of the members of our families contract the Ebola virus.”

“Charity begins at home,” said Museveni. “It only makes sense that we, the presidents, high-ranking politicians and a few other members of the elites who have access to the public purse first protect our families from the Ebola virus. After that, well, every poor man for himself.”

“Why is anyone surprised?” asked Biya. “There’s nothing new here. We’re only doing what we instinctively know how to do best. Use the money for the common people to protect our families from the terrible hunger and diseases that’s killing the poor people out there. Imagine if our children were allowed to contract the Ebola virus. Who are we going to hand over power to when we finally die of natural causes?”

Sources report that African leaders have instructed their children who are abroad—studying in any of the oxbridge universities in England and Ivy League universities in America–to stay where they are, saying that coming back home for holiday is not an option.

Equally the African presidents and their cronies have reportedly instructed their families in Africa to be ready to leave the continent at very short notice on presidential jets or any available private jet.

At post time African leaders and their families were observed in their presidential villas and mansions wearing protective suits to insulate themselves from the possibly infected roaming horde of poor people somewhere out there.

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