CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Following his silence on countless controversial political issues such as the medical evacuation of Nauru, climate change and encryption laws, Bill Shorten has taken extra steps this week to find some Government policies that he actually disagrees with – or at least, had no part in creating.

Shorten has gone ahead and hired 140 new staffers to plough through thousands of pages of Liberal policy, until they can find something that he would be able to front a press conference with.

“It needs to be something that I can take the higher ground on” he said.

“At this point it’s hard to take the higher ‘progressive’ ground on anything”

“Like, sure Adani is going to fuck the reef, but we need to look like we support Aussie jobs – even if those jobs ruin other jobs, like tourism jobs”

It is believed that while Shorten is very quick to condemn anything that looks like racism, he was suspiciously tight-lipped last month after Dutton told him that private messenger platforms are not in the national interest.

The leader of the opposition says it’s really hard to condemn something that you’ve essentially been trying to use as political leverage.

“Like, the whole fucking penalty rates thing. That was the last time I was able to call them rich and out of touch… and only just”

“The Fair Work Commission was our thing, and they gave them exactly what he wanted”

“Same with the gay marriage thing. Do you know how hard it is to justify dumping a marriage equality plebiscite on the grounds of how much you support marriage equality?”

“Nauru and Manus would be a white whale if Rudd hadn’t introduced the fucking things”