Well Christmas has come and gone and New Years is a few days away. This week is affectionately known as Gaper Week by most of the locals because its the week when all the kids are out of school and there are tons of tourists at the resorts. Its OK to laugh at the Gapers just dont taunt them or feed them people food. Seriously (not really) though its not that big of deal.. most of the Gapers are just folks who dont get the pleasure of either living in a snow town or being on the hill for dozens and dozens of days a season like the rest of us. For this reason they dont understand how silly, ridiculous, and/or annoying they can sometimes be so Im here to give them all a few pointers….

First things first … NO FUCKING THEME HATS no fake dreadlocks, jester hats, fake mohawk beanies, viking horns none of that .. just stop it stop it now

Dads … Dont be jerks to your 5 years olds. Avoid any run with names like WidowMaker, Over The Edge, Niagara Falls, Lemmings Leap, Deaths Door, etc etc … your kid is five cut him some slack and get to the beginner runs

No expert park ever .. not even to look .. just stay out

Blue Jeans and your local college teams Starter Jacket do not make appropriate mountain wear. I understand gear is expensive but buy you some basic gear and it will last you 5 years or longer and you will be much more comfortable.

Moms… especially Southern Moms… theres no need for full make-up, jewelry, and perfume on the mountain .. seriously WTF

If you are in a group of 2 or more do not get into the lift line until your entire group is ready … dont get to the chair then turn around and look for your homies who are a dozen people back

If you are going down a run and theres a group of trees its ok for your group to go on opposite sides of the trees. Believe it or not you will meet up again on the other side. No need to panic, no screaming needed, and no walking back up hill for someone to get on the “right” side of the trees….

Maps are helpful for many non locals.. take the opportunity to look at them on the lift and decide where your group will meet… dont wait until you get off the lift to pile up and try to figure out where you are going

You know that sign that says “do not stop here keep moving” … dont use that for balance as you strap in to your board.. dont stop there .. keep moving

You know that big field of pow that no one has hit on that epic pow day of your trip … well its untracked for a reason .. stay out its either too deep and youll get stuck, full of rocks, or worst case scenario… a lake

Speaking of epic pow days… you should have anticipated them when you went cheap at the car rental place and got the mazda compact instead of the 4×4 … stay out of the canyon with your rear wheel drive death trap

Hey I’m here for your support while you visit my home mountain. If you have any questions or need directions I’m happy to help but my support has its end. The end of my support is when we get off the lift… please stop struggling to stand upright and grabbing at me for support. If you’re just learning maybe the big boy lift wasn’t the best option for you today… look we all fall from time to time even someone like me who’s ridden for over a decade. My point is if you’re going down stop trying to take me with you like a drowning swimmer who kills his would be rescuer … also fyi holding onto the chair isn’t the best option either.

No back country for you … just saying