America Girds Itself For Another Week Of News Cycles

U.S.—As the nation wakes up and finds that today is Monday, Americans are once again steeling themselves for yet another week of brutal news cycles.

"We already know it's going to start with Kavanaugh and all the stuff alleged about him," said Spencer Bailey, a plumber, "but who knows what it will be about by the end of the week. Sometimes the only way I can get through some of these is by telling myself, 'We won't even be talking about this in a couple days.' Of course, that's because it will be replaced by something worse."

Though the news each week is always new and bizarre, Americans are starting to get used to the routine. "It starts again each week and keeps ramping up," stated Lindsay Goodman, a suburban housewife, "so you just have to brace yourself. Take it one hour at a time as something new drops, and just try to make it to the weekend, when things usually—usually—slow down."

There is one thing that occurs every week but still fills most Americans with dread. "You just know at some point [President] Trump is going to tweet," said accountant Vickie Beck while shuddering. "It's going to be bizarre and immediately suck the oxygen out of everything else. You never know when, though." She then quickly added, "Though it's often after Fox & Friends airs."

It's going to be a tough week, most Americans agree, but at least they can comfort themselves with the knowledge that it won't be as bad as next week.

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