Driving a car isn't as difficult as it was just a few years ago thanks to a focus on driver aids and electronic intervention designed to make us safer. But we've now gotten to the point where people can drive and masturbate out the window at high speed. It might be time to dial things back a little.


William Blakely, a former vice-mayor of a Tennessee town, would apparently try to seduce women while driving by honking, taking off his shirt, driving at them, and then masturbating out the window. Multiple women have accused him of doing this, so it wasn't a one time thing.


The most amazing part is that he's never crashed while doing it.

Put yourself in his shoes. You're driving and then you see a woman you fancy. So, you take off your shirt, roll down your window, stick your penis out of said window, and start masturbating. All the while you're going highway speeds up to a reported 90 MPH.

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First off, getting your penis out the window at any speed probably means you have an exceptionally large member. So kudos to you in that department, sir.

But, without getting graphic, I want you to think of the sheer mechanics of how this is done. That's a lot of stretching and contorting in order to be able to drive and do all of this. Even with cruise control on, you'll need at least one hand on the wheel.


This is a one-off case, but tech is only going to make this easier in coming years. Active lane assist steers some cars back into line, which frees up both hands. Radar cruise control makes it so you don't have to worry about hitting a car in front of you.

In-car masturbating enthusiasts are entering a whole new golden age when they'll be totally unfettered to do whatever they please behind the wheel thanks to Google's robot cars.


But it's also a troubling time. I'd say that pleasuring oneself is the ultimate distraction in a world full of distracted drivers. As we give drivers more electronic nannies they'll get used to having the car do all the work for them... while they watch porn starring fake nannies on their iPhones.


Features like lane departure warning and radar cruise control don't make you focus on the road more, they alert you to when you should focus. Auto-park features make slow speed skills nearly irrelevant.

There are now regulations to make cars easier to drive and safer than ever. What people don't realize is that these features on new models also make distracted driving easier than ever.


Almost every new safety feature compensates for distracted driving, and I tend to think that these radar sensors might even encourage acts like Blakely's 90 MPH one-man orgy. If you know the car is going to get you out of almost all the binds you get into, what's the point of paying attention to the road?

I'm all for making cars safer, but I think we have gotten to a point where we're now encouraging people to not pay attention, because, hey, if you're drowsy, the car will know and will wake you up. If you drift out of your lane because you're masturbating, the car will correct it for you. If you and your girlfriend were enjoying an intimate moment in the front seat a la Charlie Sheen in The Chase and traffic suddenly appeared, the radar cruise will stop you.


That's all fine until you find yourself in a situation where the car won't be able to help you and you've suddenly lost all the instincts that kept your ancestors alert enough to live to scare people with their penises in a safer, non-moving environment.