The US president claimed that Akie Abe speaks no English after sitting next to her at a G20 dinner – but videos of her speaking have set suspicions alight. Did she learn the trick from Tottenham manager Mauricio Pochettino?

Name: Akie Abe.

Age: 55.

Appearance: Smart middle-aged Japanese woman.

That’s a rather boring description. Well, she is the wife of Japan’s prime minister Shinzo Abe, thus is the country’s first lady. It’s her job to blend into the background.

Why are we talking about her, then? Because she blended into the background so well that she is now the focus of heated international gossip.

I don’t understand. Let’s try to fix that. Abe was seated next to Donald Trump at dinner during the G20 summit in Hamburg earlier this month.

I knew he’d come into this. What did he say to her? Actually, not a lot. As Trump explained during his interview with the New York Times on Wednesday: “She’s a terrific woman, but doesn’t speak English … Like, not ‘hello’.” So, in fact, they said nothing to each other for nearly two hours.

Oh, ok. Fair enough then. Except that now some people are saying that Abe cleverly snubbed him without his realising.

Are these the same people who supply Trump with all his conspiracy theories? No, these people exist. They suspect that Abe pretended not to speak English to avoid talking to him.

Do they have evidence? She went to English-speaking schools in Tokyo and later worked for Dentsu, a global PR company, where you’d think English would be essential. There are even videos of her giving speeches in English on YouTube.

But did she really tell Trump she couldn’t speak English? I mean, maybe she’s just not much of a talker? I’d say she is rather the opposite. She used to be a radio DJ, and was outspoken and active on social media until recent unpleasantness about her role in selling underpriced land.

Oh. Her English isn’t great, though. You can tell from the videos.

So she pulled a Pochettino? A what?

When Mauricio Pochettino became manager of Southampton, he used an interpreter for all his post-match interviews, which made them very dull. Then he went to Spurs and it turned out he could cope fine in English. He just likes to give dull interviews in order not to distract the team. How clever.

Do you think Abe is a Southampton fan? If she is, she has kept quiet about it, so far.

Do say: 私が英語を話していないことを、このバカに伝えてください。

Don’t translate: Please tell this moron I don’t speak English.