PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original design has been realized at last, and its empty frame has been filled with incredible storefronts, apartments, and office spaces,” said head architect Paul Bisset, who added that local zoning laws and roadblocks with investors had stalled building plans since 1887, leaving the famous tower in an unsightly, half-finished state as a steel skeleton for decades. “Finally, this abandoned husk of a building will no longer mar our city’s beautiful skyline. Now, residents of Paris can enjoy all 81 stories of the Tower, including ground-floor coffee shops, full amenities like a gym and pool for residents, and, of course—for one lucky person—an amazing four-square-foot penthouse suite with breathtaking views of Paris at the top.” At press time, Bisset also added that a parking lot for the Eiffel Tower would soon be underway, as soon as they demolished the abandoned Arc de Triomphe.

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