FREDERICTON – The CEOs of Irving Group of Companies will declare the official winners of the New Brunswick election later tonight well before polls close for the non-official election.

Citizens are excited to see if the corporation will choose the governing red-coloured logo party, the opposition blue-coloured logo party, or something else.

“For the convenience of everyone not wanting to wait until 8 PM or later, we will announce the pre-determined results by our wealthy overlords at 6 PM Atlantic Time,” explained an Elections New Brunswick official at a press conference. “I would like to thank everyone for participating. I can assure you that every vote is counted and taken into consideration by shareholders.”

The corporation that owns companies in oil, forestry, trucking, construction, food processing, and more is seeking to balance the needs of the province from Irving’s interests coming from the Liberal Party and Irving’s interests coming from the Progressive Conservative Party.

“When it comes to left and right politics in the province, you’re looking at tax breaks for the company versus government subsidies for the company,” said political scientist Marc Chaudry of the University of New Brunswick, who is also a second cousin of one of the Irvings. “Nevertheless, it’s exciting to see which party has done the most grovelling.”

Meanwhile, the Irving owned newspapers – Telegraph-Journal, Times & Transcript, and The Daily Gleaner – mistakenly published the election results in this morning’s print.