Try to remain calm.. THERE’S A NEW MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVOR DROPPING THIS WEEK!!!!1111!!1 Mtn Dew Liberty Brew releases May 15th, replacing the much beloved TehBen.com favorite “DewS.A.” flavor. While DewS.A. was a tasty combination of three already-produced flavors, this year’s mix is a little more bold. Well, a lot more bold actually, as Liberty Brew is reportedly a mashup of FIFTY different flavors representing each of the United States to create a unified soda pop sensation. While we wait for the inevitable Soda Blog review, the lads at TehBen HQ posed an important question:

“so uhhhhh, 50 flavors…what are they all uhhh….gonna be?” -TehBen.com scholar

Naturally we couldn’t take such a well-formatted question lying down, so we setup the chalkboard, burst open the big book of USA stereotypes, and made a go of predicting a flavor that will be represented by each state. Please believe us when we are saying this in good fun. We live and love (almost) everything about America, but occasionally there comes a time to poke a little fun at everyone. Editor Ben’s personal address and specific turn-ons will be listed at the end of our list, so please be sure to direct all hate-mail his way. Anyways, on to the predictions!

50 States, 50 Flavors!

Alabama – Crystal Meth

Alaska – Halibut

Arizona – Tame Mexican Food

Arkansas – The essence of Bill Clinton (note: will stain!)

California – Thirty Dollar Avocado Toast

Colorado – Sticky, Sticky, Weed

Connecticut – Weird Financial Conservatism

Delaware – Liquified Grotto’s Cheese Pizza

Florida – Bath Salts

Georgia – Peaches blended with the ashes of Ted Turner

Hawaii – Dog the Bounty Hunter

Idaho – Potatoes

Illinois – Corruption

Indiana – Larry Bird

Iowa – Deep Fried Oreos

Kansas – Wheat

Kentucky – Bourbon

Louisiana – GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO

Maine – Lobstah

Maryland – Old Bay

Massachusetts – Those stupid Baked Bean candies that nobody likes

Michigan – Rust from all those shut down factories

Minnesota – Crippling NFL defeat

Mississippi – Week-old Faygo

Missouri – The distant 3rd most recognized pizza style in America

Montana – Far Cry 5

Nebraska – Corn Syrup

Nevada – Stripper Glitter

New Hampshire – Chowdah

New Jersey – Spray Tan

New Mexico – Bolo Ties

New York – Decaying Subway Fluids

North Carolina – Tobacco Juice and NASCAR fumes

North Dakota – Clinical Depression

Ohio – Buckeyes (the actual plant not that weird dessert thing)

Oklahoma – Brad Pitt

Oregon – Hipster Chum

Pennsylvania – Cheesesteaks

Rhode Island – Catholic Communal Wine

South Carolina – Suhweet Teh

South Dakota – Broken Treaties

Tennessee – Jack Daniels

Texas – Meat

Utah – Unfiltered Bible Sauce

Vermont – Ben & Jerry’s

Virginia – Blackfaced dumbasses

Washington – Overpriced Coffee

West Virginia – Moonshine

Wisconsin – Cheese strained with alcoholism

Wyoming – Bison



Will all these taste sensations combine to create a palatable soda pop? Check back with us after May 15th as we give Mountain Dew Liberty Brew the full Soda Blog treatment! We’ll take it seriously, we promise!

Please direct all hate-mail to our standard scorn account. Thank you.