As an 18 year old I was full of energy- a rebel without a cause and a staunch non-conformist. Turning 25 last year brought an unwelcome shattering of my belief system owing to a phase of major depression. My mental health had been in free fall for sometime but a second break-up in two years finally made me hit rock-bottom. Never thought a second heartbreak, especially in a relationship I never felt too happy in, would send my existence into irreversible disarray. But that wasn’t the only notion my ego had to let go.

I knocked the doors of a psychiatrist with much optimism and the first couple of sessions did mask the pain and anxiety. The meds started repair work and I thought why I hadn’t opted for this route before. Changing the brain’s chemistry comes with its share of side effects however and after 4 months of love-hate relationship with the pills, the worst started unveiling itself. Crazy dreams, night sweats, acne and suicidal thoughts were crushing my disillusioned self.

But I’m not here to talk about the negatives, deteriorating mental health across the globe has ensured people are well familiar with the near-fatal symptoms of depression. I am tempted to share tales of my pain but I want to focus on how it has changed me and my perceptions of the world. I won’t say I’m cured and even when I am, the person who leaves this storm won’t be the same that was engulfed by it.

As a skeptic, shy introvert, I always found it really hard to fit into society or its subdivisions. Defying morals, the younger me always tried to lift his fingers to what’s considered normal. Not anymore! After every scrap of meaning was stripped off my life, I carefully began to rewrite my story. I’m still a shy introvert, but the social anxiety has withered. It’s easier than ever now to fit in. How? A u-turn of perception.

“Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.” — Chinese proverb

Being a cog in the wheel always frightened me. I won’t work 9 to 5, I won’t get attached to my family, I won’t pay heed to anything that’s banal- all promises proved to be false. Depression taught me that there’s always pain no matter which life path you choose. It left me too tired to be a revolutionary anymore. But it didn’t feel that bad! It’s clichéd to say that acceptance is the key but it’s maturity to understand that the statement is true.

I’ve accepted that freedom is not devoid of suffering. I’ve accepted that my way of life doesn’t make me a better person. I’ve come to ease with the mundane daily chores. I’ve loosened the grip on my long-held beliefs. The dishes I used to look down upon, I eat them with a smile on my face. I appreciate songs that have no aesthetic value. A good morning text from my parents makes me happy. I don’t avoid conversations with people who have nothing in common. And most importantly, I’ve accepted that pain is inevitable. I wake up for the morning commute, log my work hours, and return home to continue shedding my cocoon. I have not let go of my dreams and hope the impending butterfly effect flies me to them.

“Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was alright, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.”- George Orwell, 1984

Am I a better person? I don’t know. But I’m better adaptive to this inescapable civilised society, that’s for sure.