



Well, if the end of the world really is nigh, there ought to be some documentation of it for future generations. Oh, wait. There won't be any future generations. Still. It stand to reason. I mean, if hundreds of years from now, space aliens or something visit the charred remains of our post-Apocalyptic planet and wonder, "What the heck happened here?", perhaps there ought to be a record. It seems like the sensible thing to do.

So JT Eberhard (WWJTD?), Jen McCreight (BlagHag), and I are going to be live-blogging the Rapture.

Because where will be the first place that visiting space aliens will search for a record of the last days of human life on Earth? Snarky atheist blogs, of course!

Supposedly, the Rapture will be happening at 6pm, in each time zone around the globe. Because God cares so very much about the international date line. (As Ingrid said when we were talking about this on Facebook, "It's almost scientific, except for the part where it has no basis in reality.") Okay, yes, it has been pointed out that this lends an unfair advantage to those of us living in the more Westerly time zones -- if we see news reports of people being raptured in Australia and Tokyo, we'll have a chance to repent that they didn't get. (Let's hear it for the argument for locality!) And I don't know what's supposed to happen to the people on the space station. But who are we to question God's wisdom and might? Well, his might, anyway.

So I'll be keeping an eye on world events as they unfold at 6pm in each time zone, from New Zealand to Hawaii. And just to be fair, in case they got the 6pm thing wrong, I'll also keep an eye on world events as they unfold at midnight in each time zone, from New Zealand to Hawaii. I won't be making a point of being awake for each of these time zone changes -- I'm not going to stay up around the clock for this damn dumb thing, especially since I'm giving a talk on Sunday the 22nd -- but I'll take a peek at the New York Times at occasional intervals, and report on how we're doing.

If we make it to midnight of May 22 everywhere around the world, I think we can assume we're in the clear.

***

Okay. We're starting. 5:11 pm in San Francisco; just past midnight in New Zealand. No rapture-type events reported as of this writing. Most recent New Zealand headline on the New York Times: "Air New Zealand Videos Get Tailwind From Social Media." To quote Peter Cook, "Not exactly the conflagration we'd been looking for." But heck -- it's not 6pm yet. It still could happen. And monkeys could fly out of my butt. There is a vanishingly small but non-zero chance of butt monkeys.

***

Damn. It's been pointed out to me that it's actually just past noon in New Zealand, not just past midnight. Boy, do I have egg on my face. How am I supposed to document the beginning of the eradication of humanity if I can't even read my World Clock right? Some Rapture reporter I am.

Anyway. It's now 5/21 in New Zealand, Tokyo, Moscow, and London. Not 6pm yet, though. So we could still be on the hook for this thing. Stay tuned to this station for further developments.

***

It's past 6pm in the first time zone where it could be past 6pm; an island in the Pacific called Kiribati. No earthquakes, apparently. CNN is discussing "Celebrity Apprentice." They are clearly covering up the the real truth.

***

Well past 6pm in New Zealand: 7:54 pm, in fact. Top headline of the New Zealand Herald as of this writing: "Labour proposes dedicated 'Ministry for Children.'" Lacking a bit in that "earthquakes/ conflagrations/ sea of blood" quality, but I suppose it could be a sign of God's wrath in some way. Other headlines from New Zealand: "Hubbard asset freeze to be reviewed," "MasterChef's backer drops support for school breakfasts," and, "MPs love property and petanque." Well, I guess that word "petanque" could be code for something...

A few other updates on the news coverage of this literally earth-shattering event. Top headline of the New York Times as of this writing: "Divisions Are Clear as Obama and Netanyahu Discuss Peace." On TV, Headline News has Donny and Marie on the Joy Behar Show. CNBC has a "get rich now" infomercial. MSNBC has "Lockup: Indiana." CSPAN has the Asia Society & U.S. Institute of Peace on the Future of Pakistan. The NASA channel -- and you'd think if anyone would be covering the global conflagration cascading across the globe time zone by time zone, it'd be the NASA channel -- has still photos of the space station. And CNN is talking to Dick Van Dyke about his new book. I didn't know Dick Van Dyke was still alive. I suppose that could be a supernatural event of some kind...

Oh, and the in the Los Angeles Times? New Zealand region yet to suffer destruction forecast by Oakland-based doomsday predictor. They are reporting no earthquakes in the region. I freaking love that the L.A. Times is live-blogging the Rapture.

***

7:30am California time. Tokyo and Moscow should be dust by now. Hm. Apparently not. CNN has the Doomsday story right now, but it's a jokey, "Gee, some people think the world is ending today" piece -- not a "Tokyo, Moscow collapse into the earth, repent now before it's too late" story. Google search for "Moscow news" gets "IDF attaché sought intel. on Russia-Arab arms trade," and "Tokyo news" gets "Wen, Lee Show Support for Japan Recovery Effort." No, no, no! Recovery effort? That's not apocalyptic at all! That's, like, the opposite of apocalyptic! Harumph.

***

9:15 am California time. Family Radio (Harold Camping's station) was on in the car ride over to the conference. Strangely non-apocalyptic. Music, light chatter, and some kid's story about inviting people to meet Jesus. You'd think it'd be a little late for that now.

***

BTW, if you want to track earthquake activity for the day, you can do it on the U.S. Geological Survey website.

(checking)

Sheesh, dude. Is that all you got?

***

Just past 6pm in London. Main headline in the London Times as of this writing: "Twitter fury as footballer takes legal action." Well, Twitter fury is sort of like the wrath of God... right?

***

Update in London: Guardian U.K. DOES have a story about the Rapture!

Oh, wait. It's about how the Rapture isn't happening. Never mind.

You know, I really do love how many news outlets are covering the "Rapture Not Happening" story. It's as if the worldwide news media was covering the story, "Suspension Bridges Around the World Not Turning Into Fish."

***

Well, Jesus did make an appearance in Oakland.







A little ahead of schedule, but mysterious ways, who are we to question, yada yada yada. Here at the atheist convention, oddly enough. Told a few jokes, took a few questions. Nice guy. Has some sort of beef with Ed Hardy, but pretty easy-going overall. Didn't say anything about the world ending today, though. Hm. Wonder if they got that wrong. Naaaaah.

(Photo by Jen McCreight at BlagHag, shamelessly swiped from her own live-blogging of the Rapture.)

***

Okay. It should be hitting New York right about now.

***

OOO! Is that it? The New York Times is doing live updates!

***

Nope. False alarm. The New York Times is doing live updates of the Preakness Stakes.

***

Hm. 6:10 pm in New York City. Headlines on the New York Times website as of this reading: "Promise of Arab Uprisings Is Threatened by Divisions." Okay: uprisings, divisions.. that's sort of apocalyptic, right? How about, "In the Golan Heights, Anxious Eyes Look East to Syria." Okay, anxious eyes on Syria... because of the people being raptured there, right? No? Okay, how about, "Guard Dog to the Stars (Legally Speaking)."

Oh, piffle. This is just sad.

***

Just talked to my brother in Chicago. All seems to be normal there. Or normal for Chicago. Rapture-free, at any rate. No earthquakes, no brimstone, no flocks of the faithful ascending through the skies. He says the weather was grey and drizzly earlier in the morning, but the sun came out later in the day, which may be a sign of some sort.

***

6pm in Oakland!

***

Aaaaaaaaaand...

***

Well, my soul might have been raptured up to Heaven. But Greta without a soul is indistinguishable from Greta with a soul. So I'm not sure how anybody would know.

***

Ingrid says Hi, by the way. And she says, "Cheer up. It's not the end of the world."

***

Oh, wait. Something's happening...

***





***

This is me, Mr. Deity, Jen McCreight, Matt Dillahunty, Ashley Paramore, and several other atheists being raptured. We bounced off the ceiling, though, and came back. Damn acoustic tile.

***

Apparently there was just a little earthquake in Oakland. I didn't feel it, but other people at the atheist conference did. Ripple of derisive, slightly nervous laughter. The world seems to be continuing on, though. Maybe the apocalypse is waiting until Mr. Deity finishes his talk.

***

Earthquake was a 3.6. Yeah, that's Armageddon all right. [facepalm]

***

Well, fine. It's past 6pm on May 21, everywhere in the world. According to Reuters, Harold Camping has gone entirely silent; the shades are drawn on his house, nobody is answering the door, and he has yet to issue any sort of comment on the complete lack of anything interesting or unusual happening today. (Well... anything other than Rapture parties, anyway...)

Headlines on the New York Times: Many of the same ones as my last update, but a few new ones. "Ivory Coast’s New President Urges Unity." "Daniels Decides Against G.O.P. Presidential Bid." "Blogger With 'Man Crush' Wins Putin Scoop." Oh, for goodness' sake. It's like they're trying to make the news as bland and non-apocalyptic as possible. (I especially love that last one.)

I'm going to give this way more of the benefit of the doubt than it deserves, and wait 'til it's May 22 everywhere in the world before I absolutely officially call it. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Sleep tight, everybody!

***

That's it. It's today, everywhere in the world, except in the places where it's tomorrow. May 21, 2011 has 100% come and gone, and no Rapture. The world continues to turn, more or less as usual.

And now, a quick, slightly serious word.

Lots of us have been making fun of the Rapture in recent days and weeks. And we should: it was a ridiculous idea, and ridiculous ideas should be ridiculed. But real harm was done during this hysteria. People depleted their life's savings, their childrens' college funds, ran up their credit cards, to fund this stupid billboard campaign -- which whipped up more people into more hysteria so they could deplete their life's savings. Religion does real harm in the world. I am entirely in favor of making fun of it... partly because it's fun to do so, but mostly because religion does real harm, and making fun of it is one of the most effective tools we have for dismantling it. Religion depends on social consent to survive and perpetuate itself. We have to deny that consent. We have to keep pointing out, at every available opportunity, that the Emperor has no clothes.

And we have to keep pointing out, at every available opportunity, that this world -- this beautiful, terrible, ordinary, spectacular, fascinating, sad, hard, funny, and entirely small-R rapturous world -- is enough.

Thank you for your patience. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.