DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Hanging up after yet another 30-minute rant about the Democratic National Committee, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reported Monday that every time White House hopeful Tulsi Gabbard calls him to vent about campaign politics, he feels she’s taking advantage of his friendship. “I like Tulsi, but when we talk, everything’s all about her, as if she’s the only person in the world with problems,” said Assad, adding that it would be nice if once in a while Rep. Gabbard asked how his family or his 8-year-old civil war was going instead of whining about how she continues to trail Sen. Kamala Harris in New Hampshire. “Now there’s this whole thing with Hillary Clinton, and believe me, I’ve had my own problems with Hillary, but you don’t hear me droning on and on about her all the time. At least when [Russian President Vladimir] Putin or [Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali] Khamenei call, they ask me how I’ve been. Tulsi, meanwhile, begins every other sentence with ‘When I’m president,’ and I don’t know how to tell her that’s just not something that’s going to happen for her.” At press time, sources confirmed Assad had put Gabbard on speaker so he could sign off on a few sarin gas attacks while occasionally punctuating the conversation with “Totally” or “Wow, that’s crazy.”

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