Terry Firma

Shortly before last Christmas, when youth minister Chris Allen Phillips of Virginia’s Mechanicsville Advent Christian Church was in the mood for some extra-marital pleasure, he went soliciting online, and soon found himself in flagrante delicto with Tonya Farnsworth, a lady of the night.

Not long after the steamy encounter, Ms. Farnsworth informed her holy-man client that she had incriminating photos of him, and inquired if he would please be so kind as to make a series of payments to her. Mr. Phillips, deciding that he had no choice, acquiesced to the extortion, dropping off payment after payment, sometimes almost daily. In total, he is thought to have supplied his terrible temptress with the princely sum of about 100,000 dollars.

It seems that $20,000 of that amount might have been drawn from Mr. Phillips’ own funds. With his personal well now arid, who better to pay the price for his commercial philandering than the church that employed him? And so he took from it what he needed, secure in the knowledge that the Lord will provide.

However, after having illicitly gathered $80,000 from the church coffers to satisfy (strictly monetarily now, mind) the greed-filled Jezebel, the pastor was queried by some local constables who’d gotten wind of his thievery; and for his crime, they did arrest him and threaten him with jail.

The broken man of God will make his appearance before an earthly judge in a week or two. It is conjectured that he has already been forgiven by the Celestial Magistrate, whose spiritual largesse includes absolution for both thieves and indiscriminate fornicators as long as they profess belief in His son. Membership, as the slogan goes, has its privileges.

[image via NBC New York]