China vows to boost human rights record by adopting US-style ‘renditions’

Chinese President Hu Jintao has vowed to improve the Republic’s human rights record by introducing a US-style renditions policy to circumvent the awkward challenges presented by Human Rights legislation.

Mr Hu made the announcement during a rare joint news conference with US President Barack Obama on his first full day of paying lip service to the world’s biggest importer of Chinese goods.

He said he was conscious of the fact that his country’s conspicuous misdemeanours were to its international detriment, intimating that China would seek to improve matters by following the United States’ lead in outsourcing their human rights infringements to more brutal climes.

“We of course are aware of the importance of keeping our nose clean when it is in full view,” Jintao told a packed press conference.

“It is our responsibility to allow our dear friend America to shop with us without experiencing the guilt and shame associated with dealing with a country which isn’t as good as America at covering its tracks.”

Chinese Human Rights

President Obama welcomed China’s attempts to copy the steps previously taken by the United States, citing the development as common ground from which to work from.

Obama told the press conference, “Clearly we appreciate the temptations presented by some forms of human suffering, and we respect China’s right to behave as abysmally as we have in the not too distant past, but we really need to see more subtlety from them.”

“We need to see them tip toeing around the gallows, rather than the elaborate tap dance that currently accompanies every impending drop.”

“If you want to do something despicable then there are loopholes available, as we have clearly demonstrated, so I’m obviously delighted to see China’s willingness to finally use them.”