Every day, millions of people world wide enjoy a nice cold beer. We all assume that the brewers of those beers have our safety and best interests at heart

BUT DO THEY?

Some recent investigating by this reporter has turned up some truly shocking ingredients that are in, literally, every beer, including those so-called craft beers. Be prepared, this isn’t going to be pretty.

Enzymes of Terror

Beer— ALL BEER — contains Amylases, and specifically, α-amylase and β-amylase. These are enzymes who’s sole purpose in life is to break down complex carbohydrates. The first acts at random locations along the starch chain, breaking down long-chain carbohydrates, ultimately yielding maltotriose and various other compounds. The second is slower acting, but catalyzes the hydrolysis of the second α-1,4 glycosidic bond, cleaving off two glucose units at a time. Is this bad? Of course it is! You should be eschewing carbohydrates anyway, but when you eat them, your main focus should ONLY be on the complex ones. The simple ones are nearly all high-fructose corn syrup anyway, I think. Based on that, it would seem the Amylases convert perfectly natural complex carbohydrates into HFCS!!!!!!! Furthermore, TD Landry notes that while testing toxicity of Amylases on mice, “…irritation occurred in the respiratory tract….” (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12662916). So it also probably causes asthma and emphysema. No wonder so many children are using inhalers these days!

Preservatives of TERROR

By it’s very definition, every beer MUST contain the preservative Humulus Lupulus, which translated from Latin means “slinking little wolf”. Even Romans knew what we still ignore today: this preservative is a dangerous and potentially toxic substance. It is derived from a plant that is a fierce, even invasive species. Think zebra mussels in the great lakes and you’ve got an idea what this horrific plant can do to a simple garden plot. Furthermore it is jammed with a roll call of totally unpronounceable chemicals that will make your head spin. Ethyl 2-methylbutanoate, 2-Phenylethyl 3-methylbutanoate, Anethole, Germacrene, and Phenylacetaldehyde, to name a few. Be very afraid.

MICROORGANISMS OF TERROR

Beer, and particularly those trendy craft beers that use terms like “unfiltered”, “bottle conditioned” or “sur lees” (they even try to use French to disguise what any sensible person knows) contains living microorganisms capable of actually killing you. Seriously. Almost every single beer in the world contains either Saccharomyces Cerevisiae or Saccharomyces Pastorianus. These are microscopic entities that produce carbon dioxide (poisonous to humans), a compound from the hydroxyl group C 2 H 5 OH, and various esters like isoamyl acetate, ethyl caprylate and phenylethyl acetate. Sometimes they also produce diacetyl, and acetaldehyde. The latter of which can often be brought on by a bacterial infection in the beer. You did know that bacterial infections in beer is common, right? They probably lace beers with antibiotics to prevent these outbreaks from wreaking havoc in our suds. Oh, and possibly the worst part of these horrific little creatures in your beer? These little cells — that are capable of cooperation — are generally still alive when you drink them. If they were big enough, you would hear them scream with every sip.

PLAIN OLD POISON….. OF TERROR!!!!

Yes, every single beer contains a chemical compound that kills hundreds of thousands of people per year. It destroys private property, as well, and likely will cause wars in the future, the way oil is fought over now. It is used in the production of VACCINES and also in natural gas FRACKING. It has been used as a torture device in Guantanamo Bay. Taken in excess, it can lead to hallucinations in humans, and finally death. I am talking, of course, about Dihydrogen Monoxide, sometimes also called Hydrogen Hydroxide. The colourless, odourless poison can actually make up between 85-97% of the total volume of beer. Every. Single. Beer.

Safe Disposal

Obviously, now warned about the inherent dangers of the seemingly benign beer, you must safely dispose of any and all beer in your household. Think of the children! Please contact me via my contact form. I will coordinate a safe pick-up of any and all beer in your possession and ensure it is properly and safely disposed of. To be safe, I will also remove any whiskey, bourbon or rye (all of which is basically concentrated beer), and also wine, because it’s French, and we can’t trust the French. I accept payment in bottles of gin.

Conclusion

Okay, I assume everybody has tweaked to what’s going on here. I’m being silly. To be fair, I am also taking a direct shot at The Food Babe (who I will not link to, and I would encourage you to stop clicking her links now, if you haven’t already) and all of her junk-science ilk. These are people who prey on the public’s mistrust of big business and governments. I could pull them apart, but VisibleFreinds.net already has here. Go check it out.

Now then, to my “scary” facts on beer:

Amylases are indeed used to break complex carbs into simpler ones. Your body produces them, and your mouth is currently full of them. They are why if you take an unsalted saltine (strangely contradictory, I know) and chew it for a while, it starts sort of starchy, then becomes sweet. Your saliva is breaking the starches into simpler sugars. If your body can’t do this, you become sick, and will eventually die. This happens in beer, when the malted barley is mashed, converting all this potential energy stored as starches to promote the growth of the seed, into sugars (maltose) that yeast can eat and convert to alcohol (more on that in a minute). It is perfectly natural and normal. They absolutely do not turn things into HFCS, that’s just pure stupidity. And the article I referenced is actually saying that an Amylase agent used in industrial processing corn is perfectly safe. I cherry-picked half a sentence that noted that the mice had some amount of respiratory inflammation, which the author notes was more to do with inhaling the dust, and had nothing to do with Amylases specifically. You would only know that if you actually read the article, though. I bet most of you didn’t.

Humulus Lupulus is hops. Full Stop. As a plant it is highly invasive. So are Mint and Lemon Balm. Nothing wrong with any of them. Yes Romans gave it a horrible name, but they also crucified people and used slaves and prisoners in death matches as entertainment, so let’s not get carried away with ourselves. Those chemicals I mention at the end are all just chemical names for essential oils that are naturally occurring, and are in hundreds of other plants too. In order they are the oils that give the flavours: “Fruity”, “Minty”, “Aniseed”, “Mushroom/Balsamic” and “Honey”. Terrifying.

Getting more obvious, S. Cerevisiae and S. Pastorianus are just brewers yeast. They create carbon dioxide (so do you, and it will kill you if it’s all you can breath; you’ll suffocate), and that scary chemical I listed which is just Ethyl alcohol. It’s what gets you drunk. And again, those chemicals listed at the end might sound bad, but the first group are what make some Belgian-style beers taste of pepper or coriander, wheat beers taste of banana or bubble gum, and English ales taste fruity. The second two are indeed often due to brewing errors, though diacetyl is normal in some English-style ales, and also Pilsner Urquell. Oh and nobody would put antibiotics in beer, as it would kill the yeast, making it impossible to make beer.

Lastly, if this isn’t where the penny dropped, you never had a fun-loving science teacher. Dihydrogen Monoxoide is written H 2 0. Yes, it’s water. And everything I said about it is true.

So please, if you read something on the internet that sounds like you’ve been getting lied to your whole life, and requires you to make notable dietary changes, look a little harder. Ask a doctor or nutritionist what they think. Use Google and see if there are any rebuttals or else related information that effectively disproves what you’ve just read (in TERROR). I know, using Google is difficult and time consuming. Especially when looking up scientific information. Clearly much much more difficult than eliminating non-raw diary, everything GMO, nightshades, gluten, and left-handed porcine flesh from your diet.

And please stop sharing these pieces of total shit that self-interested, self-proclaimed “experts” like the idiotic Food Babe spew. And know that if you share something from them on my timeline, I am totally judging you.

Full Audio Recording of this Editorial