Last February I talked about the trinity of DC Comics – Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman – and who their true loves should be. This year I’m going to take a different tact. I’ll be talking about those particularly twisted folks who think they should be their true loves. Yeah, baby, that’s right. I’ll be talking Super-Stalkers after the jump.

The Super Stalker

Maxima, Scion of the Blood Royale of the planet Almerac, was one of a new generation of villains to plague Superman in his post-Crisis incarnation. Created by Roger Stern and George Perez in 1989, she was the queen of her world Almerac, and quite simply, and single-mindedly, seeking a mate. The last son of Krypton looked darned good to her.

Maxima’s motivation has always been one note. Superman is a worthy mate, he should return to Almerac with her and rule at her side. Superman refuses, they fight, she leaves, and comes back later. Almost sounds like a real world stalker. She’s had other targets, ahem, I mean beaus, but she always comes back to Superman.

Maxima is the equal of Superman, with comparable strength, speed, and invulnerability, as well as a gauntlet of other powers as well. She briefly served as a member of the Justice League, sadly the team beaten by Doomsday. Notably, besides Superman, she was the only one to actually hurt the beast. Yeah, that’s how hard she hits.

Seemingly one-dimensional, we have seen other sides of her personality from time to time. And her life isn’t all wine and roses, Maxima has seen her share of tragedy. At various times, the planet Almerac has been under siege by entities as Starbreaker, Darkseid, Brainiac, and Imperiex.

No matter the media – be it comics, animation, or prime time television – Maxima’s spoiled entitlement brat motivation is always the same. Ooooh, I want that man. And always, the man of steel rejects her.

The Psycho Ex-Girlfriend from Hell

Talia al Ghul is the daughter of one of Batman’s deadliest enemies, Ras al Ghul. She is heir to, and leader of, Ras’ international cartel of master assassins. She is an inner circle member of the Secret Society of Super-Villains. She’s also the mother of Batman’s son, the latest Robin, Damian Wayne. That’s a whole lotta baggage.

When Bruce Wayne trained himself to be Batman, he wanted to be better than everyone else, to be the epitome, the best at everything. He’s the best fighter, he’s got the sharpest mind, he’s got the fastest car – why shouldn’t he have the ultimate crazy ex-girlfriend as well? We men have a certain nightmare sometimes. A particularly nasty ex who shows up on your doorstep several months later with child, saying it’s yours. Make the ex a super-villain, and the baby a sociopath named Damian, and you’ve got Talia.

Now don’t get me wrong. In the beginning, she was beloved by fans. In the 1970s, sales would spike when she and/or her father appeared. In World’s Finest Comics, a series of imaginary tales involving the Super-Sons of Superman and Batman ran frequently, and we were never shown the mothers, they were always in shadow. Talia was the most popular guess for Batman Jr.’s mom by fans. Half the time, Talia was even on Batman’s side in conflicts with her dad. She always tries to be good.

But Talia has always had her deadly side. And I’m not just talking about her surprise appearance in The Dark Knight Rises, or her mothering skills that make Honey Boo Boo’s mom look like a saint. How many of us men have had a girlfriend frame us for their own murder, just for shits and giggles? How many moms want to kill their child, their husband, their father – all males she has professed love of one kind or another for?

Yep, Talia al Ghul is a keeper. My advice to Batman – cats are much more trustworthy.

The Rapist and the Scary Secret Admirer’s Club

Sadly for the final point of DC Comics’ trinity, Wonder Woman, there is just not one twisted stalker, but a whole bunch. Oh, the perils of being blessed with the beauty of Aphrodite! It seems that many adversaries, both male and female, have fallen hard and malevolently for the Amazon Princess. I’ll just hit upon a few.

Wonder Woman has had a very complicated relationship with Hercules, or Heracles, depending on how anal you are about your mythology. And mythology is what it’s all about. One of Hercules’ Twelve Labors was to retrieve Hippolyta’s girdle. Depending on the version, he kills and rapes her to get it, yeah, you heard me right – Hercules raped Wonder Woman’s mother.

Back before such things actually occurred in the comics world, fans would always talk about the ‘who’d win?’ scenario of the Justice League Vs. the Avengers. You know, Thor beats Superman, Captain America beats Batman, that sort of thing. Every time Wonder Woman’s name came up, my answer was always the same – she bypasses any opponent she’s given, goes after Hercules and kills him. Not beats him, kills him. What would you do to the guy who raped your mother?

More than a few times, the demi-god has resurfaced in Wonder Woman’s life, always trying to get into her good graces, and sometimes trying, against all odds, to seduce the Amazon Princess. He has even made additional plays for her mom! Someday, methinks, the prince of power is in for a world of hurt, delivered by Amazon fists.

There have been others as I said. Who can forget (well, almost everyone actually) the Paper Man? Not the wonderful Disney short up for an Oscar this year, I’m talking about one of the Princess’ rogues gallery from her dark insane Silver Age, who was transformed into a two-dimensional literal ‘paper man,’ and had the hots for Diana Prince.

And then there was Them. There’s no way to put this one lightly. During her white jumpsuit phase, Diana Prince Wonder Woman came into conflict with a gang of lesbian hippies who were called Them. These rather unorthodox foes appear in an issue filled with unsavory stereotypes of both the lesbian world, and the sadomasochistic world. These rather butch women want our heroine to wear a dog collar pretty urgently. Wonder Woman #185 has to be seen to be believed.

And if we move into the world of long ago animation, even Darkseid, Lord of Apokalips, had a thing for Wonder Woman. Here’s a clip from the “The Bride of Darkseid” episode from “SuperFriends: The Legendary Super Powers Show” circa 1984:

Wow. That’s rough. I’ll have to remember this next time I complain about the “Ultimate Spider-Man animated series.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

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