This week, I decided to follow my own advice and deal with emotions I had repressed for years. Living in denial offers nothing more than a false sense of comfort and an emotional time bomb. Instead of shielding my mental state from another torrential storm, I was blindly manufacturing another. It turns out that denial only breeds a more violent tornado of emotions.

For nearly two years, I selfishly prioritised my wellbeing over the wellbeing of my dad. I’m not proud of it. I feared that I would catch the plague if I got too close. That’s what years of depression does — it injects an undying fear of enduring another unforgiving episode of emotional torture. I was afraid that subtracting the distance between us would leave me in a vulnerable position — one that would destroy me. The thought of being anchored down and drowning in a pool of darkness was not something I could mentally handle. Not again.

So, I did my best to fix him from a far and I waited, patiently. I convinced myself that it wasn’t as bad as it was. It was just a string of bad days, nothing more. I waited for my dad to resume his boisterous presence at the dinner table. I waited for the guilt and discomfort to subside. I waited for the day our conversations would return to anything other than a rehearsed effort. But, all the positive vibes, incessant hoping and wishing did not magically reverse his mental state — it just took me a while to accept the facts.

Although confronting your emotions can be a painful experience, it’s part and parcel of growing as a person and moving forward in life. Don’t fool yourself into believing that you can escape unresolved issues. The emotional bomb you’re carting around will eventually explode.

Yesterday, I wrote my dad a letter. Since I’m not capable of verbally expressing myself under emotional circumstances, I felt that writing a letter would be the best way to convey my thoughts in a semi-coherent manner. Of course, pouring my heart out onto the screen unlocked the floodgates, but it was all necessary therapy.

I was genuinely scared that my words would break him further rather than repair his already fragile state. I was anticipating and preparing for the worst. How would he react? Would this be the turning point? Am I being too optimistic? Am I being too pessimistic? I had to constantly reconfigure my brain to allow for a stream of positivity each time I felt my thoughts dangerously drift. It was an excruciating waiting period. Thankfully, his response initiated a monumental wave of relief, deactivating the panic attack I was almost certain I would be experiencing.

Of course, the issues are still present and it’s not going to disappear overnight, but the point is that I confronted my own feelings and simultaneously helped him confront his own. I broke down the wall of silence and allowed the healing process to finally begin.

Living in denial is an evil and underrated form of internal torture. It’s all good and well until the denial fades and the music (life) starts blaring uncontrollably. Stop ignoring the elephant in the room, it will only amplify the problem. Verbally expressing your feelings is an integral part of reducing the burden that you’d otherwise be carrying around. The longer you conceal your emotions, the larger and more toxic it will become, until one day, you lose your ability to withstand the weight and it crushes you without warning. From my experience, honest communication is what activates the light at the end of the tunnel. Once everyone is on the same page, you can begin to weather the storm together and move forward with confidence.

It’s actually astounding how much can change in twenty four hours. It’s possible for uncertainty to fade and for your confidence to be restored in the aftermath of an honest and heartfelt conversation.

I’ve even started scheduling in these conversations in my 2018 diary to ensure that I’m consistently checking in and having those heartfelt conversations.