So I guess Laura Prepon checked out of Orange is the New Black because her ass got a higher paying gig. Yeah, she’s going from one prison to another, but at least her new prison serves better food, has nicer sheets and John Travolta will serenade her with a show tune of her choice when she behaves.

Apparently, Scientology’s beloved prince Tommy Girl is really not going to make the same mistake again by getting a non-Scienologist for a wife, because it was a total drag when Katie Holmes screamed as they re-programmed her brain and then ran her ass off when he wanted to groom Suri to be the Child Empress of Scientology. So now he’s getting with his own kind. Grazia Magazine (via Independent) says that Tommy and fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon have known each for a long time, but he realized that she was beard material after seeing her in OITNB. An imprisoned woman really turns him on. They went on a couple of dates at a Scientology retreat called The Manor Hotel in L.A. and partied at Travolta’s house. Some source said this about Tommy’s new love and by “some source” I mean a Scientology publicist and by “this” I mean a press release written in bullshit:

“He had her picked up in a vintage car, knowing it was one of her favourite, and had pre-ordered a vintage bottle of 1979 merlot, which was on the table when she arrived. They spent three hours laughing and joking. It’s clear Tom is smitten and after the date he was on cloud nine. They had their second date at the restaurant too, meeting for Sunday brunch, and then she accompanied him a few days later to a dinner party at John’s [Travolta] home. [Tom is] the happiest he has been since his divorce from Katie. Tom has known Laura for a few years now and they are all in the same social group that includes John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston. He’s always been fascinated by her and, since seeing her in Orange Is the New Black, that has turned into an attraction. So he bit the bullet and asked her out.”

Let me fix those first three lines: “He had David Miscavige’s bitches drag her ass to the Celebrity Centre office and he had a pen waiting for her on the table when she arrived. They spent three minutes signing contracts. After the signing, Tommy celebrated by letting the boys in the Scientology bath house do shots of vintage barley wine out of his b-hole.” But really…

Every bride of Tommy Girl ended their contract with him when they were 33 and Laura Prepon is 33 now, so maybe he’s switching things up by starting a marriage when his beard is 33 instead of ending it when she’s 33. I for one am happy for Tommy Girl, because now he gets to buy higher heels. YES! Stomp in those stilettos while you’re working the red carpet with your new beard, Tommy!