The setup: One reason why I have some time on my hands is that I am a recent divorcé. Let me just say that I married my college sweetheart and that we had been together since I was 19. I was with her well over 8 years (dating + marriage). Maybe someday I’ll pour my heart out on here, but not yet. The point I’m making is that I’ve never really dated anyone post college. We’ve all heard or had a bad date, but I want to share a bit about one of my experiences.

The phone # exchange: I’m just going to start with where I met this broad…the Baranof Bar on Halloween. This place is one of those dives that everyone loves at night. It was packed, karaoke was going, and everyone was dressed up for Halloween. I’m sure you can imagine the place-dark, noisy, and the jello shots were out. It was AWESOME! It is also one of those places that looks pretty disgusting before 10 PM. My costume wasn’t fantastic, but it wasn’t horrible either. I was dressed as Paul Bunyan – beard, plastic axe, patched jeans, red and black flannel, and an appropriate floppy eared hat that was a similar color, yet different flannel patter hat. I was also on a mission: I was ‘looking for my Babe’!! It was kind of a fun one-liner. However, I quickly realized that women in general do not appreciate being referred to as a big blue ox / cow. Who would’ve guessed?

I was with a group of people that I didn’t know that well (trying to mingle with a new crowd). We didn’t arrive until after 11:30 PM. Needless to say, I was pretty blitzed by this point. We walk in and start mingling. Of course, we wiggle into a few conversations here and there where are women present. We buy a few jello shots and try to pick up girls. Wow, all the cool ones have boyfriends. 30 minutes in and 5 jello shots later…I was more drunk and ready to give up chasing girls for the night. I’m bored. Then one of the girls in the group we had been talking with asked me for my number. Woohoo! I’m not one to say no, so I wrote it down on the back of a business card and passed it down the table.

Please don’t judge me for this, but I don’t remember what this girl looked like, what she was dressed up as, or much of the rest of the night. I do remember the taxi, and arriving at my place at 5 AM, AND writing my number on the card. As inebriated as I was, I vividly remember writing down my number, looking at it, seeing 1st grade level penmanship, and thinking there is no way any person in their right mind would call me with this handwriting.

2 Days later: I get a call from a girl. We talk for 10 minutes, she trashes on eastern Washington, and then I tell her that’s where I’m from. She proceeds to make somewhat offensive comments about over the mountains twice more. She says she’s not a big drinker and doesn’t hang out in bars all that often. I essentially tell her that I blacked out. typically I would’ve stopped here, and said I’m not feeling it, but I was #1 curious what she looked like. If I was able to get a hottie to call me, I wanted to know about it. #2 What kind of girl calls a slobbery drunk guy she met at the bar? I suggest a lunch date (we work near each other).

Lunch Date: She made a reservation at the Keg in Factoria. Seriously, there is no need for a reservation at lunch in Factoria. The place gets busy, but I’ve never been there with fewer than 10 open tables during lunch. OK, a little strange, but I guess she might not have been there before.

She shows up 10 minutes early. Thank God! She’s waiting in the lobby and I don’t remember what she looks like.

I see her in the lobby. Crap, she’s not very cute. Probably a 3.3. Hopefully I’ll like her better in person than on the phone.

Awkward first meeting half hug takes place in the lobby. Was that a wet spot on her shirt?! Coffee Stain?

We’re seated by the hostess and we take off our coats and I get a better view of her shirt. Holy Shit!!! Is she lactating?!?! There was a silver dollar size stain / wet spot on her right boob! Can I avoid staring at her boobs…Don’t stare. 3.1.



The conversation proceeds much like an interrogation. 1st question: Are you married? 2nd question: Do you smoke? 3rd: Do you use drugs? 4th: Do you want kids? Girl is crazy, 30+, the baby clock is ticking, and she’s got a selfish only child thing going too. How is that wet spot not drying on her boob? 2.9.

Luckily there was only another 10 minutes of awkward conversation. She could tell that I had no interest, so at least my answers and body language were clear and she picked up on it. Kudos to her for that. She even said that at the end of the lunch on our way out. Well at least she’s not too dense – 3.0. Yikes…she’s still lactating. 2.8.

Lesson: Don’t date girls who call you after meeting them when you’re wasted.

