The entire city of Portland, Oregon!

From watching Portlandia, I thought Portland was the city of “Put a Bird On It,” but nope. Portland is the city of Put a Dick On It! That’s what OkCupid thinks. They went through their database to see which city’s official mascot is the spread eagle and they came up with Portland. More like Porkland.

OkCupid determined that Portland has more slutty slut sluts per capita than any other city in the country by checking to see how many people have “Casual Encounters” marked as shit they’re looking for on their profiles. If you don’t believe OkCupid and need to see some slut receipts, just look at that sign. If that isn’t a lit-up double-sided dick, I don’t know what is. Portland is also the strip club capital of the country.

When the sluts in Portland aren’t protesting over one of the neighborhood ladies ruining the ecological system by pulling out her front yard weeds, they’re pulling orgasms out of the slut they met on the Internet. Portsluts, all of them!

Here’s OkCupid’s full top 10 list of the sluttiest cities in America. How Florida and Nevada didn’t sweep this list with their crotches is beyond me. Some of the biggest free giveaway whores I’ve ever met live in Florida and Nevada.

1. Portland, Oregon

2. Seattle, Washington

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

4. Miami, Florida

5. San Francisco, Califoria

6. Dallas, Texas

7. San Bernardino, California

8. Denver, Colorado

9. San Diego, California

10. Houston, Texas

I can vouch for San Bernardino being San BernarDOme since two of my slut senseis come from there (I’m not naming names).

Congratulations to Portland for being a bunch of free loving mega sluts. The Native Americans had it all wrong this whole time. The real rain dance involves bouncing asses and throbbing genitals. So thank you, Portland. You’re whore heroes to us all. Keep on sluttin’!

As for my own city of Brooklyn, I’m going to take it by the hand to tell it in a disappointing tone, “We have got to slut it up harder, honey!”

via Time