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COMPANIES behind some of the country’s largest Direct Provision centres have enlisted the aid of a number of surviving Bon Secours nuns, for no particular reason other than to just to have them on the staff.

“I mean, you never know when you need the help of a nun” said one DP operator, whose centre currently holds roughly somewhere between 800 and 900-ish detainees, if anyone is counting.

“And the Bon Secours lot, they know how to deal with large numbers of people coming and going and coming and going and coming and staying but then being gone, if you get me. So yeah, fierce handy to have about the place”.

The hiring drive comes as Direct Provision centres find themselves in the news yet again, this time for their 100% track record when it comes to knowing where exactly their inmates, sorry tenants are at all times.

“Yup, alive or dead, we keep track of ’em all,” said a spokesperson for a Direct Provision centre outside your very own hometown.

“And look, now that we’ve got a couple of nuns from the west of Ireland on our team, we’ll be better prepared than ever to know where everyone is buried. I mean, living. Where all the living people in our camps are. Sorry, did I say camps? I meant centres. All our Direct Provision centres filled with people we care about as if they were our own meal tickets. I mean, family”.