• Read about Clarkson and Gill's latest adventures in a French canal boat





Let's get one thing straight. Jeremy Clarkson. Clarkson is very straight. He's so straight you could grow soft fruit up him. If you put oil in his bellybutton you could use him as a spirit level. There isn't a kink, a curve or a rococo gesture about him. Clarkson likes to define himself by what he's not. And what he's principally not is bent. He's so unbent that there are those who might say he was actively homophobic.



But they'd be wrong. He's not homophobic in the way some are, say, arachnophobic. If Jeremy came across a homosexual in his bath, he wouldn't jump on the loo seat holding his nightshirt tightly