I had to make myself wait several weeks after reading this to write a review so that I could sufficiently calm down. I could write numerous scathing pages filled with my favorite quotes but I'll try to keep this short and angry.



I was promised an awesome summer read. I didn't realize that "summer" has become a euphemism for "insulting to intelligence" and "poorly written trash." But, now I know. And don't tell me "well that's the thriller genre" because no, it's not. There are a ton of well writ

I had to make myself wait several weeks after reading this to write a review so that I could sufficiently calm down. I could write numerous scathing pages filled with my favorite quotes but I'll try to keep this short and angry.



I was promised an awesome summer read. I didn't realize that "summer" has become a euphemism for "insulting to intelligence" and "poorly written trash." But, now I know. And don't tell me "well that's the thriller genre" because no, it's not. There are a ton of well written ones out there. But I've decided to turn this terrible experience into a positive thing for everyone. Instead of telling you all everything wrong with this book, I'm just going to give you a few tips on how to write a better book than this:



1)If you are going to call your book a thriller, don't spend the first 300 pages in pedantic flashbacks to memories of unimportant childhood happenings and wait til the last maybe 150 pages for things to start to get quasi-exciting.



2) For the love-of-god, pick a narrative voice and stick with it. And if you don't, make sure its done well and done for a reason. Oh, and my-main-character-is-too-boring is not a legit reason.



3) Don't introduce every character with a description of their specific anatomical features. Much as I appreciate it when every male character has a scar, when I find myself asking "oh, I wonder what body part on this fellow is maimed?" you probably need to try something else. I also don't need to know about the tits, curvy mouths, slim hips, mini skirts, 6-inch heels and gaping blouses that every. female. character has. I terrified my husband by throwing this book at the wall halfway through and screaming "no more *&^%%$ high cheekbones!" which apparently is a must for every woman in Terry Hayes' fantasy world.



4)If you are going to claim your character is the most bad-ass super spy ever(who also went to Harvard) don't put him in situation after situation in which he shows himself to be the worst intelligence agent in history. Like when he robs a bank for useless records (because in this high-tech age super-spies don't computer?), or goes to the FBI for a contact because he knows fewer (actually he knows none at all?) hackers/tech people in the intelligence community than the FBI director...despite the fact you were station agent in the UK???(How is that possible?) Oh, and please write the obligatory ops, hits, and covert happenings with a little thought. And by that I mean just make them more planned, controlled, discrete and realistic than a preschool class on crank.



5) Make your protagonist a little interesting. Just a little. If you actually have to use the Holocaust, Bosnian genocide, 9/11 and numerous other atrocities by telling us how your protagonist FEELS about them to garner empathy, you're doing it wrong. See-my-character-hates-genocide-just-like-you is pretty much the lowest point of human relatability possible.



6) "Well golly I need a villain don't I? I don't really have time to be original because I'm writing about cheekbones and stiletto heels, so let's just make him a Muslim who decides he hates 'Merica because his dad died...at the hand of other Muslims. Every body hates Muslims. They are all angry and irrational. And that way I can make sweeping bigoted remarks like 'The driver thought I was crazy--but then his religion thinks stoning a woman to death for adultery is reasonable' and no one will care! Win-'effing-win!"



7) If you are going to put me through this many pages, please don't introduce characters and story-lines that contribute zero to the story (Bradley). Oh wait, but you do need him because you need a guy that our hero passes super-secret cryptic phone messages ("Our mutual friend will understand") to because he can't call his handler (oh yeah ya'll, his handler is the director of intelligence and POTUS. This agent don't play) in the white house directly. 'cept for all those times when he delivers the message to you, and then calls the white house directly anyways.



8) Complex Sentences are highly recommended. "It was sad, really" doesn't count. And if I read one. more. book. that uses the words "the gathering dark", I will burn down the internet....just stop it!



So, basically start there and you should have a book a hundred times better than this one. Save yourself from this "summer" reading.