ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Earlier yesterday, the Opposition Leader rang one of his backbench senators and told him not to come to work next year.

Shortly after, Bill Shorten and departing senator Sam Dastyari fought hand-to-hand and room-to-room over the Sydneysider’s future in politics.

Initially, only punches and slaps were traded, until maverick MP Bob Katter threw them both a sword, which he kept behind the desk in his office for occasions such as this – and the fighting escalated.

Security quickly threw them out and onto the street where they continued their running skirmish.

The pair spilt out onto the streets of Barton, in Canberra’s cosmopolitan pointless museum district.

“It’s over Dasher, I have the high ground!” said Bill.

“You underestimate my power! I have the Chinese Communist Party on side!” yelled Sam.

“Don’t try it!”

The Victorian ultimately defeated Dastyari, cutting his legs off and one hand using Robbie Katter’s double-handed Celtic sword he was gifted from Mel Gibson.

As Sam lay there, writhing in his own self-inflicted agony, Bill stood over him and watched him slowly burn to death outside the offices of Hawker-Britton.

“You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the communists, not join them! Bring balance to Labor… not leave it in darkness!” Shorten yelled.

“I hate you!” Sam gurgled in reply.

“You were my brother, Dasher! I loved you!”

Shorten then turned and left, returning to parliament in his Trabant comcar.

Moments later, some minders from Hawker-Britton slithered out through the door and retried Sam before he bled to death in the Kim Beazley Snr Memorial Smoking Area.

More to come.