Fk you, Hawaii. It is freezing cold in much of America right now -- the Midwest they're looking at a mind-numbing -30 to -65 degrees, cold enough to deliver frostbite in less than ten minutes. But just how cold is -65?

Not very.

Cryogenics labs, where people like Walt Disney (he isn't) and Ted Williams (just his head is) are rumored to be frozen, embalm their charges at a brisk -207 Fahrenheit. By comparison, sperm banks freeze their baby batter at an even colder temp, -320, allowing it to remain viable for more than twenty years. Flash frozen food, such as fish zapped on-boat to retain freshness, is done at a now warm-seeming -40.

Liquid Nitrogen, the chemical bath you see ping pong balls dipped in before being dropped on the ground and shattering, exists between -346 and -320.

The coldest unofficial temperature on Earth was recorded in August, 2010, in the Antarctic, by satellite: -135.8. That's about seven degrees colder than the official, thermometer-set record, a shrinkage-inducing -128.6, also in Antarctica. The coldest temp in the USA is from Alaska, where Prospect Creek found itself at -79.8 way back in the polyester-clad 1971. Sounds chilly, right?

Again, not so much on the comparative scale.

Out there in space, Mercury can reach -299 degrees, which is a wild swing from its high temps of around 869. Mars can wobble between -140 and a temperate 68, and the moon has cold nights at -279 and warm days with 212, though it's worth noting that one lunar "day" is 28 of our own. Still, those are some serious fluctuations. And you thought your wife had volatile mood swings.

Okay, so maybe it's not that cold compared to the coldest stuff in the universe. But it's still fking cold. -65? Are you kidding?

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