3. “Tell me more why that’s important to you.” Instead of volleying back a fact or figure, ask about the experiences, or values, that led to an opinion. “I try to come in with an attitude of curiosity,” Lively said. Aim to find out what’s underneath a position — is it fear, or pride, or something else? And make sure to listen. For example, Kyritsi and her sister disagree on some parts of the gun debate. But when they shift the conversation to things that are important to them — and this is where you talk about values instead of bullet points — they agree more. “We think people should have them to hunt, we think access should be restricted when people are dangerous, we think certain types of weapons shouldn’t be accessible to everyone,” she said. “When we talk about values, we are on the same page, but when we fight about the Second Amendment, it’s a nightmare.” A follow-up question could be, “How could we get this value met that could work for both of us?”