I met my wife right after my retirement and we were together for ten years. She worked for a law firm and I was kind of a stay-at-home wife, making her lunch and all that. We lived in Diamond Heights, drove an Audi, we never argued. We lived a perfect life. We were trying to have kids, but then a tragedy happened: I had ovarian cancer. They did a total hysterectomy. When I woke up I was a different person. I had no hormones to keep me balanced as a woman. I became very aggressive and eventually lost my relationship. My family thought I was doing drugs. The thing was, no-one stopped to ask me if I was okay. No-one realized I wanted to have kids. No-one realized that I just lost a very important part of being a woman. When my wife and I split up, my family didn’t offer me a place to stay and rallied behind her.

“My wife and I were trying to have kids. Until I got ovarian cancer. I became very aggressive after the surgery, and eventually lost my relationship.”

Photography by Juli López

I believe that I’m out here for a reason; I broke my wife’s heart and this is my punishment. But it’s hard: there is no manual for being homeless. On my first night on the streets, I ran into this girl, a transgender named Princess. She brought me to the women’s drop-in, where I spent the night in a chair. I started volunteering there, mopping the floors during the night shift. One of the reasons I started volunteering was because I saw a lot of women coming in needing help, and the staff didn’t really do anything. I wanted to be there for them, just like I needed help on my first day. What homeless people want? That’s simple. Just smile, nod, greet them. The sort of thing a person offers to another person. That can make you feel like not giving up hope.

The most hurtful experience of my life on the streets happened when I was sitting on the sidewalk, fixing a bike. I used to repair bicycles in front of my tent. This woman saw me and walked out into the oncoming traffic, rather than share the sidewalk with me. You know, it’s not like I’m going to bite and give you homelessness. I am a strong, smart, educated woman. But that thing she did… that fucked with my head a little bit, because it’s the opposite of what I had learned working as a firefighter and talking to people in need.

Right now, I live in a 5-by-8 foot house behind the Impact Hub. It’s a temporary shelter, a pilot project for homeless people in San Francisco. They let me stay there for free. I can lock my door and the gate, which is a good feeling. I want my presence here to be a positive thing. I sweep around the block, I take care of the graffiti, I help my neighbors. I really try to be a part of the community, so that they can count on me too.

“Right now, I live in a 5-by-8 foot house.”