SEATTLE—Declaring they would stop at nothing to ensure the ailment was wiped out, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly pledged $25 billion Thursday toward eradicating whatever disease drives people to support taxing the rich. “It’s heartbreaking to see so many afflicted people driven to delusions that wealthy people should pay higher taxes, and I intend to do everything I can to ensure it doesn’t become a nationwide epidemic,” said Bill Gates of his donation to study what caused this frightening disease and embark on cutting-edge research to find a permanent cure. “We must eradicate this pandemic, which is affecting so many young people in the prime of their lives. While experts told us this illness was considered eliminated in the 1980s, we clearly grew complacent and allowed it to return. We should not have to live in a country where lives are ravaged by the sick thoughts that wealthy people in some way owe their fortunes to other people’s work and should return their excessive riches to the common good. Once we open our new state-of-the-art facility in Asheville, NC, we’ll be able to end this tragedy before it claims any more impressionable lives.” Gates added that his donation was matched by contributions from several other wealthy Americans concerned by the spread of this mental disease, including Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and the Walton family.

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