With social media abuzz with a flurry of jokes directed at the Congress for its suggestion to ban opinion polls, the party high command has made a follow on request to also ban all opinion about its suggestion to ban opinion polls.

“Actually, we are against all opinion, not just opinions about opinion polls, especially if they represent the views of the majority,” Law Minister Kapil Sibal said, during a crowded press conference. “Just like opinion polls, opinions on opinion polls too are erroneous, lack credibility, and can be manipulated by vested interests. This is the considered opinion of the party unless Rahul baba rubbishes it which in any case reinforces the earlier point,” he added.

Congress leaders also rubbished trends that recent polls had thrown up, indicating a rout for the party in the upcoming assembly elections. “We conducted our own poll which indicated that 100% of respondents consider Rahul baba to be a breath of fresh air in a world of cosmetic spin-masters, fudged facts, intellectual mumbo jumbo and empty rhetoric,” said Congress in-house psephologist, Devendra Jadhav. When asked for raw data and methodology, he admitted that it was a sample size of one, specifically a guy called Sanjay Jha

The party also released a model opinion poll which it considered to be fool proof and not amenable to manipulation even if administered to a large sample size selected randomly:

1. Which party will you vote for in 2014?

A: Indian National Congress

B. The party whose election symbol is a palm

C. The oldest political party in India

D. Any one of the above

2. Who is your favorite Indian leader?

A. Indira Gandhi

B. Sonia Gandhi

C. Rajiv Gandhi

D. Rahul Gandhi

3. Who is the worst Indian politician ever?

A. Narendra Modi

B: Keshubhai Patel’s successor in Gujarat

C: Damodardas Mulchand Modi and Heeraben’s third son

D. Subramanian Swamy

4. Which is the worst day ever, in the history of India?

A. 17th September, 1950 (When Narendra Modi was born)

B: 7th October, 2001 (When Narendra Modi was first appointed as CM of Gujarat)

C. 28th February, 2002 (When Narendra Modi perpetrated the Godhra riots)

D: 13th September, 2013 (When Narendra Modi was declared BJP’s PM candidate)

5. How communal is Narendra Modi?

A. 99.9%

B. 100%

C. 200%

D. 500%

6. Which of these Congress spokesperson is the most articulate and worthy of respect?

A: Sanjay Jha

B: Tehseen Poonawala?

C: Renuka Chaudhary

D: All of the above

7. Do you think Narendra Modi is a divisive leader?

A: Yes

B: Maybe

C: All of the above

8. Is Narendra Modi a polarising figure?

A: If you are a Hindu pick this option

B: If you are a Muslim pick this option

C: If you are a Christian pick this option

D: Others, pick this one

(Additional inputs from Shefali Vaidya and Ashwin Kumar)