In January of this year 2017, I was married here at TierraMitica in Peru to my beloved, Jack—Jaclyn Wilchuck. We were surrounded by friends and family, both my parents and my sister came and Jack’s mother. It was an incredibly beautiful and meaningful moment in time and I was grateful beyond words for all the love and support! Then came July 1st of this year, only five and a half months later where I found myself single once again.

Jack had been battling with severe anxiety for sometime and asked to be a part of the Choice OS workshop at the end of June, this is where she found her deepest yearning—to be held, by a man. Jack had only chosen to be my masculine partner because she loved me more than anything and wanted to be with me and feared losing me and not because this was her natural essence. In order for her to be truly happy she needed to let me go and follow her own heart, to open in the feminine and find a man that could rescue her, hold her, protect her, make things right. This split was one of my greatest fears. The fear of finally choosing to commit to someone whom I loved and whom loved me more than anything, opening my heart to this person, showing them who I REALLY AM… and have them choose to leave me. The fear came to fruition… it actually manifested…did I die? No. Did anyone die through this fruition? No. In my deepest heart I knew this was the right decision. I could feel it with my whole being that Jackie was a beautiful woman suppressing her deepest yearnings, to finally let go and be held…and as for myself—I hadn’t even begun to fully feel the repercussions of this decision. I had focused on Jackie’s process and what was best for her, she needed to be let free, she needed to fly like the beautiful butterfly that she is.

A week or so passed and I began flip flopping between deeply knowing that this was what was meant to happen and fully trusting this process to being completely infuriated and wanting to murder Jackie… strangling her to death, bashing her head against the cement wall, jabbing my butter knife into her jugular. How could she leave me? How could she promise to spend the rest of her life with me and take it all back? How could she be my Jack, my hero, my rescuer one day and Jackie the flower the next? One moment feeling my open heart and excitement for HER process and opening to being a woman… and the next attempting to energetically pull her back into my control and back into my comfort zone. I was angry…but underneath it all, I was just plain old terrified and using her as my decoy. But terrified of what?

As deeply as I loved Jack, being with her meant that I would always be safe, or rather– comfortable. Deep within my subconscious I knew this was where I could forever be in control. I knew she could not take me fully open. I was becoming a woman more and more each day on the outside but there was still something deep inside, untapped, unexplored, resisting the penetration and strength that only a true masculine counterpart could unravel.

The anger bubbling to the surface was something so new to me. It took me completely over and I became possessed by it, for a moment I contemplated leaving TierraMitica—the home and family of my dreams, I wanted to die! I did not want this anger–this fear any longer and I knew it was time to take action unless I wanted to be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. I asked Mikis if I could be a part of the next Mythic Voyage Workshop, which happened to be this past August 2017, one month after Jackie and I separated. I had NO IDEA what was in store for me but I knew that it had the potential to be a very pivotal moment in letting go and catapulting myself forward.

For those of you have been through a Mythic Voyage at TierraMitica, you know that it can not be fully explained through words—only experienced first hand through your heart and through the hearts of those you journey with. I will attempt with my best to touch on the most significant points through my particular process. My intentions for the Mythic Voyage Workshop were to connect with my inner child—Little Lizzy, to feel my hearts deepest yearning, and to fully feel what it is to let go.

A few Argonauts (what we call the participants of the Mythic Voyage) arrived a couple days before the workshop was to commence. I took this time to enjoy their company in the more relaxed environment before the workshop was to start, particularly with Damien, a super cute English guy! We swam in the waterfall (I definitely enjoyed what I saw!), took a walk up to the lookout with Happy (our new puppy) and had a very magical moment in La Astronave where he played the flute and we sang together…feeling the vibrations of our voices and energies swirling together, melding into one—it was electric! I quickly pushed any thought of being interested in him away as this was the Mythic Voyage… I needed to focus on myself! Day 1 of the workshop came around and I began the voyage with the other Argonaut’s sunk back into my shell. Feeling vulnerable and anxious for what was to come. I was knit picking to the hosting team about things telling them that the hand towels in the bathroom were wet and that they should change them, that they are too noisy in the morning while we were still sleeping… I could just not let go and be in my own process! I would hear Jackie’s voice in the other room and my blood would boil, the voice in the back of my mind would chime in and tell me that she’s flaunting herself around on purpose to piss me off. I would not relax, I could not relax and it was exhausting!

It was maybe the second day of the voyage and I was sitting on the rocks at the top of the waterfall before breakfast. The sun was bathing my face; the butterflies were flitting about and the jungle birds chirping, the cool water gently and methodically rushing by my feet. I began humming and the words came so freely to my mouth:

Letting go is freedom, my dear

Whispered the little birdie in my ear

Now trust your heart

That’s where you’ll start

To dance among the stars

When I returned to my room I wrote these words down on a piece of paper, folded it up and placed it on our community altar along with a flower offering—a luscious lipstick red hibiscus. I inscribed “Love Hath No Fear” on the top of the folded intention and sat for a few minutes fully feeling this internal switch. Choosing whole-heartedly to trust this process, to let go…

The first ceremony night was on day 4 of the workshop, my intention—“What is the danger of being fully entered, Grandmother?”

I have never experienced as much physical pain as I had that night in my entire life–as if I was being speared alive onto a stake through my coccyx. The spike was dull and was being driven into the base of my spine for four hours, which at that time felt like an ETERNITY! Thanking the Grandmother and begging, BEGGING for more but somehow the Grandmother not believing me. My subconscious was gripping tightly and holding strong against any chance of being entered. I became aware that this physical pain was just an expression of the pain my body, mind and heart experience from resisting opening and being entered everyday–this unbearable pain a reflection, a symbol of the pain internally, permeating my whole being. Learning from this ceremony through visions of ballerina’s and Barbie’s (symbols of nonhuman woman, the unattainable, the impenetrable) that one of the dangers of being fully entered was that it would mean that I WOULD BE A WOMAN—this being a danger because I held a belief that if I was a woman…that would mean I would be human—and human’s are gross and stinky. Ashamed of my humanity—ashamed of my sexuality, my bodily functions, disgusted by my menstruation–a belief held strongly by majority of human beings. Funnily enough, I started bleeding THAT night as we were preparing to go to the ceremony. Emptying my menstrual cup in the morning after ceremony only to be hit in the face with the overwhelming smell of Ayahuasca, the blood appearing in the toilet just like the brown sludgy tea I swallowed the night before, a revolting reflection of how I felt inside. Why can I not be proud and happy for what I truly am? A woman! Why can I not find and feel my divinity in my humanity?

Throughout the ceremony I also felt spiders crawl across my body and saw several visions of spiders—of many colors and sizes, some black and hairy with big blue eyes moving methodically to the beat of the Icaros sung by the shamans and others plump and decorated with dozens of eyes and speckled with neon polka dots. I was not afraid of these spiders; they were actually rather cute and intriguing to me. At one point during the ceremony I proclaimed to myself “My mom and sister are terrified of spiders!” not fully understanding the significance of this at the time, Mikis asked me during the consultation the next day if I liked that my mom and my sister weren’t going to show up because of these spiders—that these spiders were protecting me. My body reacted immediately and I burst into tears. The right answer is not the one that feels right but the one that makes you feel—and as outrageous as this idea was my body reacted before I could consciously grasp what this meant. A little girl, protecting herself from her Mother and sister with spiders. At that exact moment as I am wiping tears from my face, Mikis noticed the tattoo I have on my right forearm—a big black beetle. Not even a cute colorful beetle, but an ugly, large (kind of spider-like) black beetle, the exact opposite energy of the delicate monarch butterfly on my left forearm (the beetle or the monarch, which do I become?). The second belief exposed during this ceremony that put me in danger of being fully entered and being a woman was the competition between my sister and I, and thereby the threat of losing the love of her and my mother. From what age or what moment exactly I have no recollection but a belief was engrained into my subconscious that there was a danger of losing this love by being a woman! The danger of this loss of love and the danger of being a disgusting human wrapped around each like a DNA strand, beliefs entwined and so deeply engrained to keep me safe by my subconscious—and so very clearly –not serving me!

My intention for the second ceremony- “Do I want to be dominated, Grandmother?”

The first vision I had was of a faded, flesh colored fetus curled up and encased in a circle—symbolic of my faded dream to bare a child one day. I kept repeating my intention, and begging the grandmother to dominate me, giving my trust into her…Do I want to be dominated Grandmother? –The answer—YES! The ceremony continued full bonsai and brought me to Metsa, one of the TierraMitican’s, my fellow brother. I had MANY visions throughout the ceremony of Metsa and I fucking, so many in fact that I asked, “Am I in love with Metsa?” The Grandmother showed me floating pink hearts, golden and pastel colored fractals slowly spinning into each other, a deep warm fun feeling inside of me. Hmmmm… interesting???… I kept repeating my intention and asking other questions, “Do I want to be dominated by anyone else?” A vision of Damien, my fellow Argonaut appeared, his face morphing and hair pulling back into devil horns, Mikis appears with an animalistic look on his face about to pounce—he goes to open his pants and a serpent comes towards me hissing with his red tongue out—the masculine visions morphing into seemingly “scary” things… the devil, a snake…but I remain unfrightened. I continue to see other men in my life—My ex boyfriend, my cousin Adam, some other TierraMitican’s—Simon, Benji. I am on all fours at one point in my vision with a man approaching from behind with my face against the earth…but the earth is endless… I can see into the depths of the earth forever—I am not being suffocated; I feel open, free, light, alive. In the vision my body begins to undulate, my chest moving up and down, my hips writhing around back and forth as if I was showcasing a tribal dance-on my hands and knees, enticing and awaiting the entrance of the masculine. I feel primitive, open, sexy—I feel like a woman! The Father energy appears—Do I want to be dominated by my Father?— Yes! and FULLY! Hard and thick horizontal stripes of black and white rigidly and forcefully move up and down as I’m pulled slowly backward… fully feeling the dominance of the Father—the stability, the protection, safety. The ceremony continues for what seems like YEARS!… I feel the dominance of Mother Nature, wrapping me in vines and covering me with earth… I feel the power of water, at first soft droplets running through my fingertips smooth and delicate then down the river and over the waterfall I go…being pressed to the bottom of the blue-green pool by the pounding water falling from above, the strength of the water has my body immobilized beneath the surface, my limbs floating with no resistance, my breath soft– I feel… utter peace…in full surrender to the dominance of the water. The power that comes with being dominated, letting go in trust… full sweet delicious serenity, PEACE. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Wow, what a feeling!

Post ceremony we are back up at Okopua sipping chamomile tea and dancing about like little children. I feel SO ALIVE! So light, open, FREE! Light as a feather, giggling with my new human family, enjoying, watching, and cuddling our puppy Happy. I look over at Damien, all dopey eyed with his puke bucket by his side. I smile and laugh to myself. Life is so delicious!

It took two days to go through everyone’s ceremonies; my consultation is on the second day and by that time three Argonauts have quit—unable to push through their internal resistance. Mikis finds my consultation all very interesting…. as he usually does when he can feel something big brewing. When it came to the visions of Metsa he told me that he does NOT believe I am in love with Metsa—as I would not have had visions of other men BUT Mikis thinks it would be great fun if I were to seduce Metsa when he returned from his travels to Sweden. I protest as Metsa has a girlfriend at that time but Mikis says… well Hey, if he goes for it… Then his love for his girlfriend wasn’t that strong anyways, and if he doesn’t well, you will have had fun anyways and practiced your seductress skills! I had fun feeling in love with Metsa in my ceremony did I not?! Yes I did! Mikis starts getting me hyped up about my plans to seduce Metsa when he turns and asks the other Argonauts if they think this is a good idea… He goes around and stops at Damien and asks him personally if he thinks this is a good idea. Teeth gritted and face red Damien forces a “yes” from his mouth. Mikis turns to me and points out that Damien really doesn’t think this is a good idea. Mikis then looks at me and asks me if I want to know a secret… I say Yes. Mikis points at Damien and proclaims, “THAT’S YOUR MAN!” My eyes widen and mouth drops open. The energy in the room tightens. Mikis asks Damien, is that right? Are you her man… Damien nods and says Yes. I look at Mikis unsure of what to do next. Mikis suggests that we take two minutes to look at each other. I look at Damien, I’m shaking, I’m sweating, I’m smiling. This moment is absolutely surreal. I move through moments of complete opening and fully seeing myself in him to tightening my heart in nervousness, expanding and contracting, this IS my man! Wow…Holy shit!… BREATHE! …

In a previous conversation between Damien and Mikis, Damien told Mikis that he wanted to come back and live at TierraMitica, knowing full well that we do not have many spots left and reserved for those who are serious about the work (and preferably male for the single ladies!). Mikis had suspected that Damien had feelings for me so he had been testing him along the way to see how serious these feelings were (and to see if he was man enough to be with one of his daughters J)… and well, he passed the test! The best time space probability for Damien and myself—and even for Jackie (who was well on her way to blossoming into a beautiful woman)…was for us to be together! Apparently I am ready for a man!! Wooo HOOO! Once I allowed myself to open to this reality—to trust this—I melted. I fully melted for Damien. Just looking into his sweet blue eyes turned butterflies in my stomach. It was ultra exciting, I was a kid again! We had one more day until the end of the workshop before we could embrace as a couple. When that moment came when we all screamed and clapped in celebration for completing the workshop Damien and I were the last to leave the airport, we trickled up to the front of Okopua, standing in the dark beneath the night sky. Our bodies come together and we embrace, our arms wrapped around one another, we slowly release enough to look into each others eyes, our faces touch, our lips touch—we kiss. We spend the rest of the celebration night with the other Argonauts and TierraMiticans holding hands, looking into each others eyes, touching each others backs…necks…hair, smiling so much our cheeks hurt and when everyone else went to bed—making out like horny teenagers! Fuck! This feels SO good!

Damien left the next day, back to California to work for the next couple of months and planning to return to TierraMitica in January. What a whirlwind! I have a man—and he’s fucking handsome! Everything being as it should be as we have these months a part to connect over the internet and get to know each other more, building up the anticipation of when we can physically be together again. We have already planned to meet up in Lima at the end of December to spend New Years and my birthday together—Damien’s wish—to treat me like the Princess I am.

This is definitely not the end of the road for me and my journey of letting go and opening but I am proud to say I have made leaps and bounds!—enough so to be open to having a man in my life again. A strong symbol of the masculine, my Prince, whom I wish nothing more than to surrender to! I know I am not controlled by my mother and my sister and the fear of losing their love and I am learning more and more each day to embrace my humanity and to find my divinity in its very essence. As I await Damien’s return I have continued to process and renew my intention to trust and let go into love. Voices come back now and again to tell me this is too good to be true, that things have moved too fast, that Damien isn’t for real— but this is all bullshit. Why can life NOT be too good?! What is TOO fast? Should I mourn the loss of my past relationship for months, years…? I am in love, and loving it and I trust my man’s commitment to returning and giving it all he has. His inner child—his little boy and my little girl want to play together, to love each other, to save each other from the evil dragon of not being good enough. We are just at the beginning of another Mythic Love Story and I could not be more excited for the chapters to come!

Letting go is TRULY freedom, my Dear!