It’s the weekend, and lots of people are surely getting ready to go out on dates tonight. Me? I’m sitting at home with the TV remote in my left hand and… well, let’s not worry about what’s in my right hand.

Regardless, it’s that spooky time of year when we’re blessed withÂ AMC’s Fearfest and my crippling loneliness has me fantasizing even about monsters of the fairer sex. Here’s the 4 horror movie monsters that I’d like to take on dates:

#4. The Angry Princess (Thirteen Ghosts)

Thirteen Ghosts, if you’re not familiar, is a 2001 film about an unspecified number of ghosts inhabiting a house. One of these ghosts is known as the Angry Princess, who was once a girl with with enough abusive boyfriends and low self-esteem to forget that she wasÂ gorgeous. She ended up getting a job with a plastic surgeon who paid her in nose jobs before eventually killing herself.

I like girls with low self-esteem because they don’t mind when “going out to eat” means “going to McDonald’s.” I mean, c’mon, it’s Monopoly at McDonald’s right now, and I want to win a bunch of money (side note: if you aren’t buying 5 hash browns every morning you’re doing Monopoly wrong). Also if I took herÂ out I’m hoping she would introduce me to her hot friend Shannon Elizabeth.

#3. Bride of Frankenstein (Bride of Frankenstein)

She’s older and more experienced. Not only that, but she’s made up of a bunch of different women who all have their own experiences. It’s like a whole orgy in one reanimated package! Plus there’s something electrifyingly naughty about being with a girl who already has a man.

#2. Samara (The Ring)

[Edit: Many people have pointed out that Samara is a child.While it is true that she was a child at the time of her death, that was years ago, and her corpse is totally of legal age. Oh, and she’s also fictional.]

Pale skin and unkempt black hair? Just add some piercings and tattoos and we’ve got exactly the type of girl who is non-conformist enough to want to be with somebody like me. Samara is perhaps best known for her ability to come out of the TV screen. There is nobody alive who hasn’t drunkenly watched porn while hoping the girl would crawl out of his laptop screen.

And if you’ve seen The Ring 2 (which I wouldn’t recommend) you saw just how flexible she was as she crawled out of the well that she foolishly let herself end up in for a second time. Just imagine what she could do in bed!

#1. SantÃ¡nico Pandemonium (From Dusk Til Dawn)