A HIGH-SPEED train service will halve the time it takes to commute between Leeds and Manchester for a fight.

Currently Mancunians wishing to lay Yorkshire twats spark out on the cobbles face a two-hour journey, as do gentlemen of the White Rose county looking to fill in some Manc scum.

George Osborne said: “For Britain to remain a global force in hardness we need to hothouse our leading proponents of street violence.

“These two magnificent cities, which have hated each other since time immemorial, are losing countless hours of enmity in laborious train journeys across the Pennines.

“By the time passengers reach Dewsbury, or Stalybridge coming the other way, the red mist has lifted and too often instead of stamping on someone’s solar plexus they simply go shopping.

“A high-speed link which won’t let hot tempers cool could turn Hebden Bridge into a national centre for brawling.”