BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but don’t go completely overboard this year, all right?” said the apprehensive U.S. populace, reminding the nation’s most outspoken bastion of both real and imagined Irish-American culture that they could celebrate the holiday without binge drinking, bare-knuckle boxing, or climbing on top of a car to drunkenly egg on bare-knuckle boxers. “By all means, you can drink a couple beers, even green beers, and have a good time, but maybe cool it with the Jameson shots and definitely no Irish coffee, okay? Remember, you racked up $42 million in medical bills last St. Patrick’s, and that’s before accounting for fire department overtime.” The nation further emphasized that it honestly wanted Boston to enjoy itself, and did not expect the city to maintain the quiet atmosphere of sullen, resentful drunkenness with which residents observed Black History Month.

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