Damn bro, now make one for busted-ass eyes.

Because people won't stop eating and drinking things that burn their mouths, scientists have created a dissolvable oral strip that can be applied directly to the burn, "providing instant relief and promoting healing." Healing -- healing is good. That's why I visit my shrink twice a week. Issues: I have a lot of them.

"We found these strips to be non-toxic, which has huge potential for anyone who burns their mouth while eating and drinking hot foods--and that's just about everyone," said McConville. "The strips look and behave similar to breath freshening strips that you might find at your local drugstore."

Now based at the University of New Mexico, McConville, and his team, will explore creating a stronger oral strip to treat more severe burns lasting longer than 2-3 days. The next step in furthering their research will be to test the strips in humans and experiment with taste-masking.

Listen: if you're regularly eating scalding pizza and burning your mouth because you can't wait five minutes or blow on it, I think there are bigger issues at hand. "Says the guy who made his own Atomic Fireball anal beads." Dammit I told you that in confidence.

Thanks to PYY, who agrees cold pizza for breakfast is where it's at. Yes! And chocolate milk.