Some people would probably find it hard, if not impossible, to be friends with an ex’s new partner. I guess, normally I would find it weird. However, when you have children with that ex, the game changes. There may be a new person coming into your child’s life and I have learned over the last year that everything is better for the kids when everyone gets along.

When I first met Malinda, we were both tense. Anthony, the father of my children, was getting a last few things that he had long forgotten in my apartment when he told me to come outside for a minute. Reluctantly, I did and there she was. Neither of us were expecting it so we both felt awkward. It was more of a “hi, how are you?” and a silent, please get me out of this situation type of occurrence. They didn’t live far from me but we didn’t talk much at first. Anthony and I were both just happy to be getting on with our lives, we tried to communicate as less as possible.

When they got settled into their apartment, the girls would visit them often and that’s when I started to feel uncomfortable. What if they like her more than me? It sounds silly now, but I am sure any parent in my situation might worry about something like that. No parent wants to feel like someone is trying to step into their shoes, and because Malinda and I hadn’t had a real conversation at this point, I didn’t have a valid reason to think otherwise.

I don’t exactly remember what it was about, but Anthony and I got into a fight on the phone. We were still learning how to co-parent effectively (and in some ways we still are). He decided that it would be better if we talk in person. So, I went to their apartment and we sat in his kitchen and talked things out. This was the first time I had a conversation with Malinda, and I began to realize, I like her. She reassured me that she would never try to take my place as my daughter’s mom and as a mom herself, she understood my fear.

From that point forward, we started building a friendship. Maybe not a picture perfect friendship but a friendship nonetheless and it’s only been getting better. She has shared stories with me about her life and I have done the same. Do we fight and argue sometimes? Yes, and the funny thing is, it is never about Anthony or any other reasons you would expect a person to fight with their ex’s girlfriend over. It’s usually over something dumb.

Most people think its weird that her and I have become friends. I guess because it isn’t the social norm. Society thinks that you are suppose to hate your ex and his new girlfriend. I disagree. I feel a lot better being friends with her than I would if I hate her. I am more trusting when my children visit them rather than worry and fret over nonsense.

I feel like when someone hates their ex’s new girlfriend (or boyfriend) there is some unresolved issues or feelings that drive them to act that way. Anthony and I are both very happy that we are no longer together so what would be there to gain in hating his girlfriend? Drama weighs a person down and that is a weight I do not want to carry. I would rather have a new friend in my life than an enemy. Especially a person would can potentially take a motherly role for my daughters. Children are what they see and I don’t want to teach mine to be hateful. I remind them every weekend as they are preparing to go to see Anthony, to make sure they show Malinda the same respect they show me.

Her and I talk on a daily basis. I’ll send her pictures or videos of the girls when they are doing something cute and I absolutely love her 2 year old son. She helps lighten the mood when Anthony and I interact which makes things a lot easier. She has had a very positive role in my co-parenting with Anthony. If it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t be able to see the girls as much as he does because of his work schedule. She will give them baths and brush their hair and tuck them into bed. The things I do when they are home. She has prevented a lot of arguments between Anthony and I and my children adore her. For that, I am grateful.