Last December, I helped festive up the internet yuleing by offering up a sampling of the most inappropriate Santa Claus images from Christmas comic book covers of yesteryore.

The corruption of our cherished funnybook memories continues with…

The Top Seven Most Awful Things to Find in your Stocking

#7

TEENAGED BOYS

As someone who lives with an actual teenage boy, trust me, this is something you do NOT want to discover in your home on Christmas morning. The reason it takes a teenager twelve years to attain its final form is so that the parents have become used to the child at that point, and less likely to attack it out of fear. A brand new teenager in the house would be dead within a week.

#6

LIVE DOGS

I don’t know who the darned puppet is, but he’s clearly saying “Howdy” to the dog doody that even I can smell across the room. What sane person would put a puppy, too young to be house trained, into a confining sock over night? The only thing more foolish would be to stuff five of them in there!

#5

THE WEAPONS OF EVIL

Hot Stuff is a demon child, part of the hierarchical system of HELL, and he will someday grow up to be one the torturers of the damned. The pitchfork is the weapon of choice of demons, and Santa knows how to supply them. The theological implications of this cover could set Christianity back MONTHS.

#4

BETRAYAL

Look upon the face of the cat. He stares out at us in existential pain. Did he deserve this vile fate? The rodent emerges from a Christmas stocking on the very day of peace and joy, when such an attack would be at its most duplicitous and unforgivable. Super Mouse is a creature without honor, and the cat dies a martyr in my eyes.

#3

ANYTHING NAMED SLUGGO.

Be it human being, ice cream treat or industrial byproduct, I do not want anything named “Sluggo” in a stocking. That’s just good policy.

#2

VULGAR IMMORALITY

The woman on the cover is either a prostitute, a Russian bride, or someone with a complicated set of emotions about her father and men in general, and since there’s brothers involved in this sordid tale of anonymous sex, one of them will get possessive, fists will fly, and so will tears. Santa destroys families with this flashy pimp stuff. He should know better.

#1

IMPROPERLY STORED MEATS

Forget the fatal toxin factory brewing in that simmering stew bag all night and consider that poor girl’s fate even if the stocking HAD been refrigerated: cardiac-arrest at age twenty-nine, after billowing into a 400 pound emo-goth chick with tattoos she can’t find, all because of a sick, sick enabling Santa on the ONE Christmas it might have mattered.

This delightful Holiday cover wouldn’t be so funny if Little Lotta was bathing in Jack Daniel’s and snorting cocaine off a chained-up leopard’s back, now would it? No, that we call a DISEASE. But THIS we can laugh at?

Shameful.

I have to assume the editor removed her right foot as a horrific reminder of the grim diabetic future she may be facing.

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See you tomorrow for SANTA: MASTER OF THE EDGED WEAPON!

Ty the Guy OUT!

NOW your BONUS Christmas Stocking Cover:

Click below to see past Christmas lists and Christmas Toons:

AND it’s a little late to get ’em for your stocking, you can still order SKETCHBOOK by TY for a little post-Christmas goodness. Click below to get the details, and to see some pages;