Universities! What are they like? If they’re not taking money from people who don’t even use them like no other public service ever, they’re championing anti-Brexit thinking! Just because they rely on things like knowledge and education and analysis and expertise and study and facts and an awareness of how reality works, they think they can defy the will of some of the people at a particular point in time from over a year ago? Such arrogance! Such elitism! This sabotage has not gone unnoticed, especially by the top lads over at the Daily Mail, with their front-page splash.

This cannot be allowed to continue. Everyone knows that Brexit is brilliant and all-powerful, but also simultaneously fragile and weak, so must be protected and shielded from even the slightest scrutiny or pressure. It’s like an unborn golden eagle. Or a palace, made entirely out of dry manure and blind optimism.

But no matter, once we truly are free of the evil shackles of the European Union, British universities will be brought into line. A new syllabus is being prepared to ensure that UK higher education is once again the true envy of the world which won’t be allowed to use them. Here is a sneak preview of our glorious Conservative-government-approved post-Brexit University teaching material.

Physics

Special emphasis is to be placed on the exotic realm of quantum mechanics, both to show Britain at the forefront of advanced science and to get younger people used to concepts such as quantum superpositions, which show that multiple supposedly-competing conditions can exist simultaneously, eg Brexit has only benefited Britain so was definitely a good idea, despite the economy collapsing and roving bands of outlaws are fighting each other for bottled water in the charred ruins of Sussex



The principles of dark matter will be a key feature of the science syllabus. Despite being essential for the structure and operation of our world, dark matter is undetectable to all “normal” forms of matter, so can’t be acknowledged or taken into account. Remain voters are made of dark matter



In the spirit of combining a complete lack of logic with blind optimism, the discipline of alchemy will be reintroduced to science students. Photograph: BT Images / Alamy/Alamy

Chemistry

Chemistry teaching will remain largely the same, although the periodic table of elements will be renamed to reflect our proud British history. Europium is now Britainium, Carbon is now Wetherspoonsbarbon, Osmium is RichardOsmandium, and all those toxic elements that we don’t really need but don’t know what to do with are lumped under the label “Faragium”



While it is true that all molecules have a left and right version due to the principle of chirality, the left-hand ones will not be covered. Universities are lefty enough already



Advanced chemistry qualifications will be awarded to anyone who dedicates their knowledge to the manufacturing of innovative jams



Biology

While the exact origins of life on Earth are still a matter of debate, students will be taught that life originated in the primordial soup of primitive Dorset. British soups are better than all other soups



Extra funding will be available for experiments into cloning, to once again show British expertise on the global stage, and to help remedy our shortage of doctors, nurses, policemen, fruit pickers, construction workers, plumbers, teachers, taxi drivers etc



The teaching of evolution will remain much the same, although it will be pointed out that it peaked with Jacob Rees-Mogg



Languages

There are now three official languages acceptable for teaching. English, Shakespearean English, and louder-and-slower English (for overseas travel)



Those wishing to pursue advanced language courses may also cover Welsh, Cornish, Geordie and whatever that noise is that those men who sell newspapers in the street are making



Art. It’s a mug’s game. Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Art

If it’s got a Union Jack in it, then it’s art. If it doesn’t, then it’s not



All art will need to be printed on mugs, placemats, keyrings, t-shirts, basically anything we can sell to the tourists as they take advantage of exchange rates that mean a single Euro can buy a flat in Kensington



Technology

All technological study is now dedicated to the refinement and manufacture of yachts. Yachts for all! Yachts will save us



History

All history teaching will be about the British Empire, which was brilliant. Anything before or since is irrelevant. Anything bad you hear about the Empire is hateful propaganda spread by the jealous French!



Mechanics

Umm … Top Gear! That’s mechanics isn’t it? Close enough. Just let them watch that. Like anyone in this country will be making cars in any case



Economics

Economics is banned! It’s not a thing! Logically, it can’t be. Any economic prediction that turns out to be wrong is proof that experts don’t know anything, any prediction that ends up coming true is “talking our country down” so can’t be acknowledged. So it’s all pointless, isn’t it?!



So there you have it. A thoroughly-informed but Brexit-loving generation awaits. God help us all.

Dean Burnett’s book The Idiot Brain is available now, in the UK and US and elsewhere.