The idea that men and women are from two totally different planets isn’t new — in fact, it’s almost cliche at this point. It all comes down to the way we think, and frankly, I tend to relate more to the opposite sex than I do with my own kind. Here’s what life is like when you’re a woman who thinks like a guy:

Women hate you.



Seriously, you’re not making me want to think like a woman right now. Just because I don’t care about fashion, reality TV and how great your hook-up was last night (oh wait, I do want to hear about that one) doesn’t mean you get to judge me. I’m entitled to my own opinions, especially when yours are wrong.

Then they envy you.



Oh, so you just realized that my unique thought processes make guys want to be around me? Now you want to be my best friend ever. Sorry, I’m not siccing you on my male friends. Do I look like eHarmony?

Men are afraid of you.



I’m supposed to be clueless in the ways of men, but I guess it terrifies you to know that I know exactly what you’re thinking. It’s fun as a friend, but not so great when it comes to dating. Umm… do you want me to try and fake my thoughts?

You’re one of the guys.



I’ll admit, I don’t fully understand women. Why don’t we talk to each other when we’re together instead of sitting around texting? I understand guys and they get me. It’s like one of those super sweet dogs getting along with cats stories.

You think about sex — a lot.



At least guys love this. It doesn’t take them long to realize I think about sex just as much, if not more, than they do. I get all the innuendos and can dish them out just as fast. It’s nice not playing down my sexual side.

You get called a perv.



Bounce back to women and suddenly I have to leash all my dirty thoughts. Oh no, a few little dirty jokes and I’m a perv. BS. I know you’re thinking them, too. I just had the chick balls to say it.

What’s ladylike again?



I tend to forget about sitting and acting all ladylike. What’s the point? Can’t I just sit comfortably and say what’s on my mind? Seems like guys like that better anyway.

You’re more casual.



I’m not saying I never dress up, but I prefer comfortable jeans and a t-shirt over tight dresses, ass-floss undies and heels that break my ankles. I’m also more comfortable being myself. Guys’ philosophy of just being comfortable makes much more sense.

You’re the go-to for advice.



I tend to walk a fine line between my groups of friends. Guys come to me to explain what their girlfriends are doing and vice versa. It’s a pain in the ass trying to be an expert on both sexes, but hey, someone’s got to do it, right?

You speak before you think.



I think women are much better at having filters between their brains and mouths. Why do you think men stay in trouble so much? Needless to say, I have severe foot-in-mouth disease and I don’t think there’s any help for me.

Women are confusing as hell.



Hours to get ready? Acting pissed when the guy they like hits on them? Playing hard to get? Purposefully being in pain to look good? Someone please help me understand women better. I try my best, but some things I don’t think anyone really understands.

You know exactly what games guys are playing.



I love calling guys out on their stuff. I know when they’re about to ghost me or they’re lying their asses off just to get in my pants. Sure, I might play a few games myself, but at least I know what guys are doing before I get hurt.

You still think farts are funny.



I can’t help it. A random fart in a quiet room is still hilarious. If you don’t think it is, get that rod out of your ass and learn to lighten up. Guys laugh at some of the dumbest crap, but I have to agree that farts and fart jokes are always funny.

Guys still have double standards.



Some guys want you to think like them, but you’re supposed to still be the perfect lady. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. Why am I OK to hang out with, but not date? Yeah, double standards blow, even when you think like a guy.

The worst torture ever is a chick flick.



I go with my female friends to see the latest chick flicks. It’s kind of like taking one for the team so I can explain all the references to my guy friends. I don’t get it. Why would anyone pay money to cry? Not to mention, it’s always the same damn formula in every single movie. A hilarious rom-com is still OK, though.

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