Welcome, then, to the Guardian’s third annual index of ineptitude, its inventory of incompetence, its hagiography of half-arsedness. As we near the end of each season it is traditional to round up the best moments of the league – best performances, best goals, best players etc. All of which is all well and good but tends to brush over the fact that 95% of the Premier League matchday experience is huff, puff and dross.

So this is our celebration of all the elite clubs who cannot take a throw-in without lobbing the ball directly to the opposition. Let’s raise a glass to goalkeeping howlers, teams that can’t score and players who get cautioned for taking off their shirts. Here’s a big thumbs up to those teams who can’t win from 2-0 up. Hats off, in short, to the bunglers, blunderers and bodgers.

There is an element of science to this. The boffins at Opta have provided extensive stats which we have abused with the same sort of incompetence we are cheering. For each act of Premier League ineptitude, we have awarded (a reasonably arbitrary, if we’re honest – but, hey, this won’t be the most serious analysis you’ve ever read) number of penalty points, which we’ve tallied into a rolling league table.

QPR, Burnley and Everton were the 2014-15 top three; Aston Villa, West Bromwich Albion and Norwich headed the list last season.

This season’s results are now in:

Throwing the ball straight to the opposition

Leicester City’s Christian Fuchs takes aim, very possibly, at an opposition player. Photograph: Plumb Images/Leicester City FC via Getty Images

The throw-in is a simple business. A player can literally throw the ball to a team-mate. Even better, the opposition must be at least two metres away. At its most base level, it should be absolutely impossible to concede possession from a throw-in. Though there are cases to be made for teams hopefully throwing the ball long into the box, or hurling it optimistically into space for an onrushing attacker, there is simply no excuse for Leicester City to have thrown the ball to the opposition 297 times this season. That’s 8.5 times a game, or once every 10 minutes. What’s worse, is that they topped the list for this offence last year too, doing it 7.6 times a game, suggesting they have entirely failed to learn their lesson. They get 10 penalty points for not being able to throw a ball properly. Watford are next worst, having done it 263 times (eight-point penalty), West Brom did it 262 times (six points), Burnley 212 times (four points), Tottenham Hotspur 190 times (two points). Arsenal, who were the best at not throwing the ball directly to the opposition last year, retain their crown this year. They managed it only 71 times.

Table

Leicester City 10

Watford 8

West Bromwich Albion 6

Burnley 4

Tottenham Hotspur 2

Goalkeepers kicking the ball to the opposition

Hull City’s Eldin Jakupovic, king of kicking the ball to the opposition. Photograph: Lee Smith/Reuters

Goalkeepers kicking long is a pretty long-established tactic. But is it effective? Not really. Leicester City have lost possession from a goalkeeper’s long clearance 229 times, with Hull City (207), Sunderland (196), Burnley and Watford (193 each) and West Bromwich Albion (192) next on the list. What’s interesting is the other end of the table. The best teams at keeping possession from a long clearance (or those who use the tactic more sparingly) are Manchester City, Manchester United, Chelsea, Tottenham and Liverpool – or the current top five in the Premier League table. It stands to reason, then, that hoofing it long is not your best path to success. That said, it’s not as big a crime as failing to throw the ball to a team-mate, so we’ll give five points to Leicester, four to Hull, three to Sunderland, two apiece to Burnley and Watford and one to West Brom.

Table

Leicester City 15

Watford 10

West Bromwich Albion 7

Burnley 6

Hull City 4

Sunderland 3

Tottenham Hotspur 2

Yellow cards for simulation or dissent

Southampton players surround referee Bobby Madley to very little effect. Photograph: Peter Powell/EPA

Simulation is, basically, cheating. It’s hard to do anything more inept than failing to play by the rules of the game. Each team gets two points for each yellow card they have received for diving. Crystal Palace are the worst (three times, six points), Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester City, Stoke City, Sunderland, Swansea City and West Ham are next (twice, four points), with Bournemouth, Manchester United, Middlesbrough, Southampton, Tottenham Hotspur and Watford bringing up the rear (once, two points).

Meanwhile, screaming abuse in the face of a referee is not a tactic that has ever led to a decision being overturned so is, essentially, a total waste of time. We’ll give five points to the team with most yellows for dissent (Watford), four for the next worst (Manchester United), three apiece to the joint third-worst (Palace and West Ham), two to Southampton who are fourth worst, and one apiece to Arsenal, Leicester and Manchester City who are next worst.

Table

Watford 17

Leicester City 16

Crystal Palace 9

Sunderland 7

West Bromwich Albion 7

West Ham 7

Burnley 6

Manchester United 6

Manchester City 5

Arsenal 5

Hull City 4

Liverpool 4

Southampton 4

Stoke City 4

Swansea City 4

Tottenham Hotspur 4

Bournemouth 2

Middlesbrough 2



Yellow card for excessive celebration

Guess what happens next. Photograph: Tom Jenkins/The Guardian

Opta’s stats don’t break down the numbers for players getting yellow cards for taking their shirts off in celebration. But that’s basically what this is. Because, rightly or wrongly, it has been an offence for a player to take off his shirt during a game since 1 July 2004. That’s nearly 13 years. There is barely a man in the league who has ever played professionally at a time when it was not an offence. So for Liverpool’s Roberto Firmino to have been booked for it twice this season is a thing of rare ineptitude. He takes five penalty points for Liverpool for his troubles. West Ham’s Manuel Lanzini has also been booked twice for excessive celebration, so he earns them five too (but we’ll give a free pass to those who have celebrated excessively once – Aaron Ramsey, Cheikhou Kouyaté, Christian Benteke, Dele Alli, Juan Mata, Marcus Rashford, Pedro, Raheem Sterling and Ross Barkley – because, well, it’s a silly law and let’s not take ourselves too seriously here).

Table

Watford 17

Leicester City 16

West Ham 12

Crystal Palace 9

Liverpool 9

Sunderland 7

West Bromwich Albion 7

Burnley 6

Manchester United 6

Manchester City 5

Arsenal 5

Hull City 4

Southampton 4

Stoke City 4

Swansea City 4

Tottenham Hotspur 4

Bournemouth 2

Middlesbrough 2



Own goals

Swansea City’s Jack Cork, left, scores own goal from a deflected shot by Arsenal’s Alex Iwobi, back centre, for Arsenal’s second goal of the game in January. Photograph: Nick Potts/PA

Accidents happen and deflections, rebounds and pure bad luck are often to blame. But, let’s face it, it does not get any more inept than actually scoring a goal for the team you are trying to beat. Three cheers to Swansea City, Bournemouth, Hull City and Stoke City, then, who have done it five times each. There are no free passes here, every team to have scored an own goal gets a five-point penalty per own goal. It does this to the table.

Table

Stoke City 29

Swansea City 29

Hull City 29

Bournemouth 27

Watford 27

Leicester City 26

Sunderland 17

Burnley 16

West Ham 12

West Bromwich Albion 12

Manchester United 11

Arsenal 10

Manchester City 10

Crystal Palace 9

Liverpool 9

Tottenham Hotspur 9

Chelsea 5

Everton 5

Southampton 4

Middlesbrough 2



Failing to score goals

Fabio Borini: ‘Gah!’ Photograph: Michael Mayhew/Sportsphoto/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

At its most basic level, there is really only one point in the game of football: to score more goals than the opposition and so win. It follows, then, that failing to score them is about as incompetent as it gets. Sunderland have been shut out 18 times this season, Middlesbrough 17, Hull City 15, West Brom 14 and Watford 13. At the other end of the table, the best teams to watch for goals are Chelsea, who have only failed to score three times, Arsenal (who have failed four times) and Liverpool, Manchester City and Tottenham (five times each). A two-point penalty is awarded to each side for each time they fail to score. In a further penalty, Middlesbrough are penalised an extra 10 points for having the worst goals for record in the league, Sunderland seven for being next worst and Hull City five for being third worst.

Table

Hull City 64

Sunderland 60

Watford 53

Stoke City 51

Swansea City 51

Leicester City 50

Middlesbrough 46

Bournemouth 45

Burnley 40

West Bromwich Albion 40

Crystal Palace 33

West Ham 28

Southampton 28

Manchester United 25

Everton 21

Manchester City 20

Liverpool 19

Tottenham Hotspur 19

Arsenal 18

Chelsea 11



Missed penalties

West Ham United goalkeeper Adrián watches as the penalty from Crystal Palace’s Christian Benteke misses the goal. Photograph: Yui Mok/PA

It’s a free shot at goal, with only one man to beat, and a target of 17.8 square metres to hit. The person taking the shot, meanwhile, has been selected from a highly-drilled team of professional ball-kickers as the absolute best at kicking a ball accurately from 12 yards. This should not be tricky. So, good on you Bournemouth for missing three of your 10, and Palace for missing three of your six (50%!) penalties this season! Arsenal, Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspur, Stoke City and Chelsea have all missed them twice, while Southampton, West Ham, Liverpool, Everton, Manchester United and Leicester managed it once. Five penalty points for each miss.

Table

Hull City 64

Stoke City 61

Bournemouth 60

Sunderland 60

Leicester City 55

Watford 53

Swansea City 51

Crystal Palace 48

Middlesbrough 46

Burnley 40

West Bromwich Albion 40

West Ham 33

Southampton 33

Manchester United 31

Manchester City 30

Tottenham Hotspur 29

Arsenal 28

Everton 26

Liverpool 24

Chelsea 21



Passing the ball to the opposition inside a team’s own half

Tony Pulis encourages his midfield not to pass the ball to the opposition. Photograph: Nigel Roddis/Getty Images

It’s no great crime to concede possession in an opposing team’s half – crosses and attacking passes all come with some element of risk. However, a team giving the ball to the opposing team in the half of the pitch they control is far less forgivable. It’s instructive that the top six of the Premier League are the best at keeping hold of the ball in their half (Manchester United have 92.12% passing accuracy in their half, Manchester City 91.09%, Liverpool 90.74%, Chelsea 89.97% and Arsenal 89.86%). The worst in the league, though, are West Bromwich Albion, who get 5 penalty points for giving the ball directly to their opponents nearly a fifth of every time they pass the ball in their half. Leicester (four points), Burnley (three points), Crystal Palace (two points) and Watford (one point) make up the bottom five.

Table

Hull City 64

Stoke City 61

Bournemouth 60

Sunderland 60

Leicester City 59

Watford 54

Swansea City 51

Crystal Palace 50

West Bromwich Albion 45

Burnley 43

Middlesbrough 46

West Ham 33

Southampton 33

Manchester United 31

Manchester City 30

Tottenham Hotspur 29

Arsenal 28

Everton 26

Liverpool 24

Chelsea 21



Blowing a two-goal (or more) lead and conceding in stoppage time

In losing 4-3 to Bournemouth in December, Liverpool twice blew a two-goal lead in the same match. Photograph: Michael Steele/Getty Images

The fact that “2-0 is the most dangerous score” has its own Wikipedia entry, which describes it as “a cliché”, suggests it’s a well-known enough problem that even a Premier League footballer should be aware of it. Good on West Ham, Sunderland and Liverpool for reminding us of football’s ever appealing capacity for pure farce as each of them have blown what was at least a 2-0 lead and gone on to lose. They win 15 penalty points and a tip of the hat. Well done too to Stoke City, Bournemouth. Manchester City and Leicester City for being at least 2-0 up at some stage but eventually drawing. Take five penalty points each. Meanwhile Hull City should be celebrated for clocking off early and conceding on eight occasions in stoppage time; Bournemouth have done it seven times; Burnley, Palace and Swansea five apiece. Even Chelsea have done it three times. In fact, every team in the league has done it at least once except for West Bromwich Albion because, well, imagine facing Tony Pulis minutes later. Teams get a penalty point per goal conceded past the 90-minute mark.

Table

Sunderland 79

Bournemouth 72

Hull City 72

Stoke City 69

Leicester City 65

Watford 57

Crystal Palace 55

West Ham 52

Swansea City 51

Middlesbrough 49

Burnley 48

West Bromwich Albion 45

Liverpool 40

Manchester City 37

Southampton 35

Manchester United 33

Tottenham Hotspur 31

Arsenal 30

Everton 29

Chelsea 24



Goalkeeping mistakes that lead to a goal

West Ham’s Adrián: howlers galore. Photograph: Nick Potts/PA

A goalkeeper’s entire job is about stopping the ball from going in the net, despite what Pep Guardiola thinks. So it stands to reason that any time a keeper makes an error that leads to a goal, it is the height of ineptitude which is why a draconian punishment of five points per goal let in will be levied on the worst offenders, who are West Ham (five goals, 25 point penalty), and Liverpool, Boro and Everton (three apiece, 15 point penalty).

Table

Sunderland 79

West Ham 77

Bournemouth 72

Hull City 72

Stoke City 69

Leicester City 65

Middlesbrough 64

Watford 57

Crystal Palace 55

Liverpool 55

Swansea City 51

Burnley 48

West Bromwich Albion 45

Everton 44

Manchester City 37

Southampton 35

Manchester United 33

Tottenham Hotspur 31

Arsenal 30

Chelsea 24



Off-field incompetence

Oh. Photograph: Athena Pictures/Getty Images

A catch-all category to cover hindering your own team by getting banned from football for what is, in effect, the rest of your career (Joey Barton, 10 points to Burnley) and getting banned for four matches for historic homophobic tweets (Andre Gray, 10 points to Burnley). But this category also covers general club incompetence, like hiring a manager and sacking them in the same season (Swansea City, 10 points and Hull City, 10 points). All of which gives us a final table that looks like this:

Table

Hull City 82

Sunderland 79

West Ham 77

Bournemouth 72

Stoke City 69

Burnley 68

Leicester City 65

Middlesbrough 64

Swansea City 61

Watford 57

Crystal Palace 55

Liverpool 55

West Bromwich Albion 45

Everton 44

Manchester City 37

Southampton 35

Manchester United 33

Tottenham Hotspur 31

Arsenal 30

Chelsea 24



Results

Well done to Hull City! Champions of incompetence, heroes of ineptitude! Well done for hiring a manager then sacking him in the same season. Congratulations for repeatedly hoofing the ball into your own net but resolutely failing to do the same thing up the other end.

West Ham’s move to the Olympic Stadium has been fraught with difficulties, not least – it would appear – on their own players’ ability actually to play the game of football. Last year they finished a relatively competent 14th on the ineptitude index, this season a genuinely bungling third. Good for them.

Sunderland’s presence in the top three is no surprise, given they were the first side in the league to be relegated, but Middlesbrough are a reasonably competent eighth on this list meaning one of two things. Either this not entirely serious operation has a serious flaw in its scoring system, or they should really have kept themselves up. Hard to tell either way.

Bournemouth, Stoke City and Burnley – reasonably solid mid-table performers in the Premier League – were not too far away from crisis, if these stats are to be believed, while Leicester were well on course for calamity but have turned it round following the departure of a certain genial Italian.

At the other end of the table, there are few surprises. The four most competent teams in this index are safely inside the top six of the Premier League, with only Liverpool and Manchester City with much to worry about. Southampton, meanwhile, scrape into the Europa League of competence, fine reward for an absolutely adequate season.

But let’s hear it again for Hull: Championes, championes etc. If you manage to keep yourselves in the Premier League, that will be fine reward for a season of ham-fisted hilarity.