Name: The sex recession.

Age: Eighteen to 29 and upwards.

Appearance: Kind of dull.

Really? I thought people generally found sex quite interesting. They do, but perhaps mainly to talk about. “Sex recession” is a term coined by journalist Kate Julian in a recent article from the Atlantic that tries to understand why people are having less sex.

They are? Where? Everywhere that is counting. In 1990, the average adult in the US had sex 62 times a year; in 2014, it was 54 times. In the UK, between 2001 and 2012, under-45s went from having sex more than six times a month to fewer than five times.

I expect they were busy watching Big Brother. Or texting on their Nokias. It will pick up soon. I wouldn’t bet on it. It seems to be global, with Australia, Finland and the Netherlands all seeing similar declines. In Japan, in 2015, 43% of people aged 18 to 34 were virgins.

Holy moly! These millennials are so uptight. The trend goes back to the mid-1990s, well before many millennials were having sex, but yes, that might be a factor. Julian considers the effects of online dating and socialising digitally instead of in person.

What might people be doing instead of having sex? I mean, I can think of one thing … Yes, people do a lot of that. Since the 90s, in the US, the proportion of men who masturbated in a given week has doubled to 54% and women to 26%.

I blame vibrator technology and online porn. Perhaps. There is little evidence that it is addictive, but, as one researcher put it, it might be “taking the edge off” people’s libido.

No kidding. Most sex happens within couples, but young people are coupling up less – that’s another thing. And they are more likely to live with their parents. Plus they may be nervous about making romantic advances.

Weren’t they always nervous? Yes, but an Economist/YouGov poll in November last year found that 17% of Americans aged 18 to 29 believed that a man asking a woman out for a drink “always” or “usually” constituted sexual harrassment.

Cripes. And we know that kids today are more sensible than their parents. They smoke less, drink less, fight less, take drugs less …

Are you saying you welcome this recession? Well, teenage pregnancy rates are down, there’s greater understanding of consent, and fewer babies might benefit the world.

I miss the old days when sexually frustrated people roamed the streets, coupling with whoever they could find. Yeah, you make it sound idyllic.

Do say: “Perhaps we need a central bank to stimulate the sexual economy.”

Don’t say: “Lowering the price of alcohol ought to do it.”