Joe Baugnet:

For those of you who have succumbed to the idea that you aren’t making the pros and that men’s league hockey will be your hockey future, you’ll certainly be able to relate to this post.

A couple days ago my men’s league hockey team proved one constant that you will always find in these leagues, “The mentally unstable adult”. The mentally unstable adult, or TMUA for short, is the idiot that will continuously spurt out death threats every time you make a legitimate hockey play against them. They also tend to have children, which makes things even more scary. Kids should never have Ogi Ogalthorpe as a father, it’s not right.

For example, on Sunday while playing defense, I was tying up TMUA in front of the net when I moved with the play and my blade caught him in the man jewels. It was a total accident, but TMUA preceded to be a total tool. “Stick me in the nuts one more time and see what happens” was TMUA’s initial response. Fair enough, no one likes their pride and joy to be knocked around, it hurts. I responded with the usual “Or what…?” and his madness erupted. “I’ll f***** kill ya’ kid, I’ll rip your f***** head off, I have kids your age you know!”

After a couple seconds of processing this I thought to myself “what do his kids have to do with this?” Then I realized, this dude is mentally insane. He spent the rest of the game, (granted this is mens C league, I got fat and less competitive) trying to impose his evil doings upon me. While I sat there waiting for his ankles to snap from all the bending he was doing, I said a small prayer to all the players who play in men’s leagues across the world. TMUAs are extremely dangerous if they can reach you, so be careful.

Here’s some tips on how to rid yourself of TMUA

1.) Simply skate around said psychopath

2.) If willing, continue to chirp at TMUA until they do something stupid like throw a stick at your face. They will leave the game and you can continue to enjoy hockey, although your face is at risk of a beating. DO NOT FIGHT, as you most likely get a matched call from an RTR “really terrible ref”. You also would engage in a men’s league hockey fight, leaving you at “bender” status.

3.) Have him follow you to the boards, where at the very last second, pull a spin move. TMUAs usually can’t stop very well, so they’ll fly face-first into the boards and you can sit and laugh at their stupidity.

4.) Go the really boring route and apologize. TMUAs love apologies because they feel validated afterwards. Although you do sacrifice hockey manhood by doing so.

*If you have any other rules to add to this list, please insert them in the comment box below and I will add them.