WASHINGTON—In an effort to evade the escalating Ukraine scandal, President Donald Trump reportedly tied thousands of balloons to the roof of the White House Thursday in order to sail far away from the impeachment inquiry. “The U.S. has turned against me, so it’s time for me to float off to some distant land,” said the president, crouching next to a balustrade on the White House roof and blowing air into balloon after balloon. “All right, Mick [Mulvaney], time for you to jump out the window to lighten the load. Just a few thousand more and I’ll be aloft. If the wind holds, I should make it to Saudi Arabia by morning. Farewell! On to my next great adventure!” At press time, dozens of House GOP members were holding a press conference outside the White House to describe how beautiful and majestic the president looked flying through the air.

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