What Life Looks Like On The Pill

Days 1 – 26

Sweet, chemically induced uterine silence.

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Day 27

Anne: Hi, Period. I have you down for arrival tomorrow, sometimes between noon and five. I’ll take some accommodations in the gym bag just in case you get here before lunch. And I’ll be starting up new pills on Sunday, so I am expecting you to clear out of here by Monday morning. Will there be anything else?

Period: No, Ma’am. I can’t believe I fell for that whole chemically induced false pregnancy thing again. You sure are a trickster, Anne. Anyway, pleasure to be working with you.

Anne: Hope you enjoyed your stay at Chez Nahm Uterus. See you again next month.

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What Life Looks Like Off The Pill

Day 2

Period: Whoooooo! Free of my chemical restraints! Freedom! I’m going party in your uterus like its 1999!

Anne: Why am I crying and laughing at the same time?

Period: hahahahahahahahaha! See ya around, sucker!

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Day 15

Period: Hey Anne! Just thought I’d drop in for a few minutes. I lost track of time. I’m not supposed to be here yet, huh?

Anne: Uh… No. It’s day 15.

Period: Whoops! My bad! Ok, I’m gone. Really. Forget I even stopped in. Sorry about the mess.

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Day 20

Period: Hi! I thought I’d call you on the cramp phone and let you know I’m swinging into town. I’m not exactly sure when. I’m gonna let it ring off the hook though, so we are definitely in communication this time about my arrival. Anyway, cramps. Enjoy!

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Day 21

Period: Just kidding. I got caught up talking to the left ovary all night – you know, bonding over that whole female reproductive thing. Seriously though. I’m walking out the door to see you right….now.

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Day 25

Anne: Hi, Period. I’m expecting you sometime in the next couple of days. Shall I look for you around lunchtime like always? …Hello?

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Day 28

Anne: Hello? I know you are there – the cramp phone keeps calling me.

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Day 32

Anne: Ok, now you owe me eight dollars for the pregnancy test you know damn well I didn’t have to take this morning.

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Day 35

Period: Here I am! Here I am!

Anne: You realize I’m in the middle of dinner.

Period: Yeah. And when you get up, you’re gonna realize I actually got here right before you served the salad.

Anne: You asshole. I gave up on period panties two days ago. These are the lacies.

Period: Yeah, it looks like Carrie at the Prom down here. And don’t act like you didn’t know I was coming – I saw you eat the ears off the chocolate bunnies Sunday morning. Easter Hamsters Anne? You don’t think your kids really bought that story, do you?

Anne: I am so putting a cork in you.

Period: Oh you ain’t seen nothing yet. Your Aunt Flo is gonna make one hot crazybitch mess up in here for you!

Anne: Did you just steal that line from Project Runway?

Period: Oh now it. Is. On. You really gonna call me out like that? ‘Cause I know you’ll be wanting to get your marital relations on sometime in the next ninety days. And when you do? Oh honey. I’ll be showing you what a hot crazybitch mess really looks like.