Coachella is fun, but its tickets are expensive. VIP passes can amount to a couple months of rent for most millennials. But no festival experience, even one in which a fan gets the opportunity to be sprinkled with sweat from Queen Bey, is worth having to meet the list of demands offered by one "Gordie," a Craiglist poster who's "56 years old from West Covina" seeking one special female to enjoy the festival with.

The post, written by a former "supervising manager at Soup Plantation," offers a free VIP ticket to one "female between the ages of 19 and 25" if they can meet his 20 point list and fulfill the man's supposed ultimate Coachella fantasy.

The van of one lucky girl's dreams Craigslist

It starts innocent enough. The girl "must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc)." But it starts to get a little Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs pretty quick:

5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.

Then a little threatening:

10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).

And back to skin-crawling:

12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).

Screenshot of the list Craigslist

Users who stumbled across the post were understandably creeped out by the display, while others noted the poster's demands were excessive, even for an escort post.

There are far better ways to see Bey and get a full festival experience that don't involve having to tell any one to "steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower" or telling anyone "at least twice" they are "naughty."