While the sudden and indefinite closure of the fractured West Seattle Bridge has come as a blow to many, West Seattle residents who’ve voluntarily lived on the fringes of Emerald City society for ages are celebrating that they have finally worn the cantilevers down enough to achieve permanent social distancing from the rest of Seattle.

“We were annexed by Seattle in 1907 and, quite frankly, you guys had long worn out your welcome. So why not just tear off the Band-Aid and completely cut ourselves off right now?” said Declan Carbury, newly appointed Mayor of the Emancipated City of West Seattle. “We have one-third of Seattle’s green space and urban forest, a clearly superior farmers’ market and plenty of fine, sensible shopping options along West Seattle Junction. At long last, Ma’ono’s fried chicken is all ours. All ours!”

While West Seattleites’ commute to other locales is now just a beautiful hop, skip and jump away via the ferry to Southworth, drive to Bremerton and ferry to downtown and back, Carbury discouraged outsiders from making the visit to West Seattle.

“We want to assure our neighbors that while our communities will forever be regrettably linked by the vast tract of water that separates us, you really shouldn’t come over for any reason,” Carbury said. “Please take comfort in the fact that our blissful isolation from the riff raff comprising the rest of Seattle will not be taken for granted as we enjoy uninhibited access to Seattle’s only real beach … awww, don’t act like you were really going to come visit now. You had your chance!”

At press time, Mayor Carbury was also exploring options to demolish SW Roxbury Street and keep White Center out forever.