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Everyone loves getting mail, because email sucks so hard. Don't you just hate opening your inbox and seeing that half of your emails are from stupid sites you subscribe to that never have anything important to say and the other half are from your dad, who's still in that Albanian brothel stealing Wi-Fi from a cafe down the street with a smartphone he's had hidden in his ass, begging for you to call the authorities?

Real mail brings with it a sense of accomplishment. A tree died to make that, and that ain't bad. Plus, who knows, maybe you won a million dollars and the ghost of Ed McMahon will bring it to your house and when he's there you can ask him what he thinks of the Paranormal Activity movies and he'll be all, "They suck balls, is what they do. Hey-yo!"

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That said, a fellow in China, appreciating how awesome mail is, especially since it's kind of like a surprise in each and every envelope and package, decided to mail himself to his girlfriend at work for an awesome prank. The plan was probably that he would jump out just after she got back from lunch and sex her right on her desk in a way that would ensure that the Q key on the keyboard never worked properly again.

Instead, what happened was, after a buddy taped him up and a courier picked him up for a 30-minute trip to her workplace, the courier mixed up the boxes and our friend was stuck in his box for about three hours with very little air. By the time he showed up and was supposed to pop out all surprising-like, he'd already passed out.

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At this point, you may have two critiques that I can address for you. The first: Why not make a breathing hole? Apparently this was some sturdy-ass cardboard, and as such, immune to the feeble pickings of an oxygen-deprived nitwit held within. That's why every time I get boxed up, I make sure I have a small etching tool and a vial of my own saliva to break down the bonds in the cardboard. Someone's going to be breathing pretty in the back of a warehouse, and that someone is this fella.