Through the Gateway of the Heart

Compiled and Edited by Sophia Adamson

FOREWORD

INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES - WOMEN

Earth is Eden, and Adam is Within

I Was Resting in the Palm of His Hand

The 1000 Petal Lotus Unfolding and Unfolding

The Energy Flows Through Me, I Make It into Music

Springs of Enchantment

All of Me, Just Being

To Bathe the World in Light

I Can Now Move through the Trauma

Affirming Who I Am, Where I Am Going

The Fire of Love and Trust Banishing Demons of Fear and Pain

A Secret of Life Revealed

Clairvoyance and a Sense of Open Truth

Such Deep Compassion, Such True Caring

To Speak of What Was Too Painful to Remember

The Chooser Becomes the Chosen

Body/Mind/Spirit Move into Hovering Space

Out of Nowhere Appeared My Inner Guides

I Learned to Know Myself as a Whole

Born Again out of the Mother Star

My Leaving Became My Home-Coming

I Surrendered to the Death of My Outworn Fears

My Body Dissolved into Tiny Cells

I Saw Myself from the Creator's Eyes

Seeing into the Beauty of One's Being

Brand New to this Planet

And Love to Season the Soul

Baby Floating through the Universe

INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES - MEN

Peace with Great Energy, Tangible, Expansive

Adam Reveals Emotional Truth

MDMA Experiences Have Saved My Relationship

Examining My Emotions with a Sharp Lucidity

Honoring Our Differences

Meditation and Remembering the MDMA State

Now I Feel the Pain as an Ally, Not as an Enemy

Wake Up! Wake Up! Before It's Too Late

A Sense of Passive Urgency

A Spirit Moved through All My Meridians

Desire Transcended by Being Fulfilled

In the Womb, When the Light Was Primary

My First Sense of Not Being Paranoid

Being the in Center of a Sphere, Breathing

The Infinite Bliss of Being a Conscious Entity

In the Land of the Gods

The Continuous Embrace of Shiva-Shakti

GROUP EXPERIENCES

Around Us Huge, Mythic Archetypes Stood

A Rite of Passage into a New Vision

Expressing Feelings Long Gone Unsaid

"I Love You!" They Cried Out, Soundlessly

We Had All Just Been Born

When Each is the Other, and Self as a Whole

A Very Deep Kundalini Experience

Mother Earth Communicated Her Grounded Presence

I Met the Feminine Half of Myself

Ocean Vastness Enters Me

GUIDELINES FOR THE SACRAMENTAL USE OF EMPATHOGENIC SUBSTANCES

Foreword

By Ralph Metzner

Ecstasy...empathy...openness...compassion...peace...acceptance...being...forgiveness...healing...re-birth...unity...emotional bonding... caring...celebration...these are some of the terms people use to describe their experiences with a new class of substances, of which MDMA ("Adam", or "XTC") has become the best known. Related to the psychedelics ("mind-manifesting") substances such as LSD and mescaline, these substances are different in that they do not usually produce visions, hallucinations, altered perceptions of reality, or extreme states of fear, or depression. Because of the extraordinarily high percentage of major positive insight experiences reported with these substances, and the relatively low incidence of undesirable side-effects, these drugs have attracted favorable attention from a number of psychotherapists, who regard them as reliable facilitators of therapeutic insight and change. They have also been used by some teachers and practitioners of meditation, who see them as important amplifiers of emotional and sensory awareness, and as aids to spiritual practice.

This book is a collection of personal accounts of these kinds of substanceinduced states of heightened awareness, which are remarkable for the uniformity with which people affirm their positive value, and for the diversity and range of individual differences. The experiences reported here all occurred within a context of either psychotherapy, or serious self-exploration, or relationship communication, or spiritual practice. Some are accounts of individuals with psychological disturbances, including two rape victims, who took the substance as part of their therapy. Most of the individuals do not have serious disturbances, and took the substances, with guidance, in order to further their personal and spiritual growth. Since MDMA first became known in these circles in the early 1970's, its use by therapists and individuals was not illegal - until the FDA, invoking emergency powers, placed it on Schedule I in July 1985. Because of the change in its legal status, and for obvious reasons of confidentiality, the individuals reporting, the therapists or group leaders facilitating, and the researcher who compiled and edited the accounts have all chosen to remain anonymous.

The research with psychedelic drugs carried out during the 1969s led to the hypothesis, widely accepted by workers in the field, that psychedelics are nonspecific psychic amplifiers, and that the content of a psychedelic experience is primarily a function of the "set" (expectations, intention, attitude, personality) and the "setting" (physical and social context, presence and attitude of others including guide). This set-and-setting hypothesis is a useful model in coming to understand the experiences with MDMA also: the specific insights, feelings and resolutions of problems that occur are unique to the individual; but the commonality exists in the kinds of feeling states named at the beginning of this foreword. Individuals are able, if their intention in taking the substance is serious and therapeutic, to use the state to resolve long-standing intrapsychic conflicts or interpersonal problems in relationships. One therapist has estimated that in five hours of one Adam session clients could activate and process psychic material that would normally require five months of weekly therapy sessions.

Teachers and practitioners of meditation and related forms of spiritual work describe the experience as being fundamentally an opening of the heartcenter -- which is considered in most systems to be the foundation for all further psychospiritual growth and practice. One teacher suggested that the Adam experience facilitates the dissolving of barriers between body, mind, and spirit: one senses the aware presence of spirit infusing the structures of the body and the images and attitudes of the mind. Awareness expands to include all parts of the body, all aspects of mind, and the "higher" reaches of Spirit -- thus permitting a kind of re-connecting, a remembering of the totality of our experience, an access to forgotten truths.

Because of the importance of the set and setting variables, a brief description of the nature of the set and the setting was requested of each of the individuals whose accounts were included. These are shown at the bottom of the first page of each account; and one can obtain a pretty clear sense of the operation of this principle by comparing that statement with the content of the experience. In addition, the text lists as "catalyst" the precise identity and the amount of the particular substance used. In other research on altered states of consciousness, the catalyst or trigger of a mind-opening experience can be rhythmic drumming, hypnotic induction, a meditation practice, a particular piece of music or other factors. In the case of these substances, the catalyst triggers a change of feeling state, in which the insights and perceptions that take place (though often appearing ordinary and commonplace when they are afterwards described to others) are felt with a depth and poignancy of emotion that was for most people unheard of in their lives, up to the time of that first experience.

This is not to say that similar or identical changes of consciousness could not be produced or arrived at without the use of these empathogenic substances. Obviously, many people have in the past, and continue to have, empathic and heart-opening experiences without the use of any external aid, pharmaceutical or other. And those individuals who are able to attain such insights and solutions without external catalysts are clearly to be commended. For the people whose experiences are recounted in this volume, the heightened and deepened state of awareness facilitated by the drug served as a kind of preview, as it were, a taste of the possibilities that exist for much greater emotional openness and relatedness than they had imagined. They are clearly aware, too, that the drug-experience is a temporary state, and one that can be converted into the ongoing reality of everyday consciousness only with continuing therapeutic and spiritual practice -- and not with the continued use of the drug. Most people do not want to repeat the experience very often -- it is felt to be too intense, too sacred. Although the possibility of becoming psychologically dependent on this, or any drug, cannot be ruled out, there is a fairly high degree of consensus that it is not addicting.

The folklore and terminology that arose around these substances gives one a good indication of the basic nature of the experience. "XTC" or "Ecstasy" as a name points to the striking qualities of emotional warmth, well-being, euphoria, pleasure, joy and sensuality almost universally reported. Some researchers proposed the term "empathogenic" (as a sub-class of psychedelics) for this class of drugs: this is a term meaning "empathy generating"; and it conforms to the quality of emotional bonding with intellectual clarity so often reported. People feel they have true compassion, forgiveness, and understanding for those with whom they have important relationships; and most importantly, for themselves, for their ordinary, neurotic, childish, struggling persona or ego. Another term proposed was "phobiolytic", which means "dissolving phobias" or "fear dissolving". The relative absence or attenuation of normal amounts of anxiety and fear in these states is perhaps the single most important feature in regard to their therapeutic value. People report being able to think about, talk about, and deal with inner or outer issues that are otherwise always avoided because of the anxiety levels normally associated with those issues.

Perhaps the most interesting code name for MDMA, that seems to have originated with a group of therapists on the West Coast, is the term "Adam", by which is meant not Adam as man, but rather Adam-and-Eve as androgynous ancestor. The figure of Adam is a highly important symbolic figure in Gnostic and Hermetic writings, and C. G. Jung wrote extensively about it. He represents the "primordial man", the "original being", the "man of Earth", the condition of primal innocence, and unity with all life, as described in the Bible's account of the Garden of Eden. This is an experience not infrequently described in these accounts...with variations such as "returning home", "finding one's original nature", "celebrating and honoring one's ancestors", and feelings of connectedness and bonding with fellow human beings, animals, plants, and all the forms and energies of the natural world. One therapist calls psychedelics "Gnostic catalysts."

The accounts presented in this book derive from about fifty individuals, of various ages, professions, and degrees of psychospiritual sophistication. They were apparently gathered from about 20 therapists, mostly, though not exclusively, from the West Coast of the United States.

Some of the reports are from guided therapeutic sessions; others are from sessions with serious psychological or spiritual intention, where the "sitter" might be a trusted friend or partner, rather than a therapist. A considerable number are by individuals who are themselves therapists -- which raises some of the most promising potentials of these substances in the training of therapists. A smaller number of reports are from group experiences, usually of a highly structured or ritualistic nature. Although the relatively unstructured, recreational use in small groups is probably more common, most people are agreed that the use of rituals similar to those of the Native American Church, or other shamanic traditions, is the preferred mode of operation when powerful sacramental substances are taken in a group context.

The editor of this volume, the writers of the Foreword and Guidelines, and the publishers, do not advocate the use of any illegal substance. Nor do they advocate that individuals attempt to treat their own medical or psychological problems with the use of this or any other substance. Nor do they recommend the use of these substances by individuals without the supervision and consultation of one's physician. Given these obvious limitations on the use and accessibility of these drugs, the question might be raised as to the point of publishing these accounts...since the experience with MDMA is now one that has become illegal. The answer to this question that the therapists and their clients using these substances would give, is that it is in the public's interest to be aware of what is an extraordinarily promising new tool for the exploration of the human mind and for the improvement of human relations.

Perhaps greater public knowledge of these substances and their potential human benefits can lead to a considered re-examination of the social and legal framework with which our society deals with such matters, so that as other substances of similar import are discovered, their uses and potentials will not be wasted. Many of the individuals whose experience is recounted in this volume expressed the wish and hope that, given the gravity of the planetary crisis in which we find ourselves, aids to the evolution of consciousness such as these substances will be thoroughly explored, and applied to the solution of the immense human problems that confront us.

Note: very little has been written and published in the psychological or psychiatric literature about these relatively new substances. Interested readers are referred to two special issues on MDMA in Brain Mind Bulletin (Vol. 10, No. 8, April 15, 1985; and Vol. 10, No. 12, July 8, 1985), which provide an overview of current medical and legal perspectives. Other sources of additional information on this class of substances are Chocolate to Morphine, by Andrew Weil and Winifred Rosen (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co., 1983); and Psychedelics Encyclopedia, by Peter Stafford (Los Angeles: J.P. Tarcher, 1983). In addition, there is a very interesting earlier book, by the Chilean psychiatrist Claudio Naranjo, The Healing Journey (New York: Random House, 1983), that presents detailed clinical studies of MDA and MMDA, two related "empathogenic" substances.

INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCES - WOMEN

Earth is Eden, and Adam is Within

45 year-old female, teacher

Ingestion of two white capsules at timed intervals...waiting...feel sensation of flotation and upliftment. Look at light fixture on ceiling... sudden rush of powerful energy and giant Presence; awed by the constant and immense sensation of an immovable force; choir of voices; the light fixture changes into a multi-layered mandala; face is a series of energy patterns shifting into varied mandalas of a kaleidoscopic nature.... Realization that everything and everyone is a living mandala; awed by the experience; sensation of being within multilayered patterns of energy that were constant change...constant change...but always beautiful, subtle, varied...simultaneously form, but not form.

Awareness that this must be what heaven is really like...see globe on table...'heaven on earth'...everything is on earth... heaven is on earth ...moved by the wonder of it. No words in heaven...everything is beautiful, true, compassionate, loving, growing, changing, within this giant, constant, powerful presence. No words...too many needless words...power of the non-verbal touches me; I desire only to hum or listen to the grandeur of silence.

I am a giant, it is a giant; everything and everyone is a giant. My body is so small in comparison with what I am...tiny hands...tiny feet... just seems that way...a reminder of the power of the inner bodies; power of the spirit; power of formless form...great presence, beautiful spirit, eternal Immortal. Ancient hands, baby hands, giant hands...fascinated by my hands...feeling of a giant walking within a doll's house. Sudden realization of the meaning of the '901 mythology...the lantern being the instrument of seemingly small vessel for the giant Spirit that is always within and a constant resource, guide, nonjudging facilitator...constant presence, immovable force . The term down-pour of energy has new meaning ... no words; just PRESENCE. I'm in heaven...wonderful, beautiful, glorious heaven.

HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM

Feel like hair is changing into feathers; hear hair growing; amazed at the civilization of vibrant life in my hair; hair changes again into feathers; feel a bird coming out of my head... a hummingbird . Thought: maybe my tumor was just a hummingbird waiting to be freed. Just then, he asks about my health...hear cracking of ice; something feels cracking in my legs; something pops in head. CONNECTIONS, connections.... Trying to take care of relatives, taken it all too far; take in too much; too extreme; too much the comforter, supporter, caretaker.... Disease with both extremities...leg, an extremity; head an extremity; hummingbird head; cracking-ice leg...polarities, opposites, dualities, paradoxes. TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH, TOO LONG. All not important, doesn't seem to matter...

what if everyone took this

no one would care

indifference

everything is all right

It's all a theater ...it's all a play

If everyone took this; no one would care;

nothing would get done

because no one would care

Nothing important...always there is presence.

Purpose is not in the theater;

theater is not purpose.

What is purpose ?

Purpose is not tied to achievement;

purpose is not TIED to anything.

Purpose is being like presence...

purpose is bringing light and love into

every situation ...with great PRESENCE.

Be present . New meaning for I'm here;

I am present . I am a present .

We are all presents; we are all presents!

Union, balance, absence of polarities...

absence and presence

Spirit never absent.

Decide that this is a good time to call up all my emotional images...one by one I select all the things that have activated me recently...reminded that it's all theater; can't get upset no matter how hard I try; state of great indifference. Images say what if B and F live together and have children...find myself happy that he's happy; feel close to him; great bond; deep love; great friend; can't get upset; what is there to be upset about; all ego and yet ego can't get upset; everything all right...we're great old friends; deep love; no reason to be upset; we love each other; no one can alter that; only add... everything adds; no anger; no betrayal; old patterns... no need to continue them. Amazed that I'm not getting upset...maybe I have worked through more than I thought...grateful, relieved, content, and great feeling of contentment, unflappability, objectivity...all of it just theater...no tragedies...just presence, light, power...presence, acceptance, compassion, trust...great friend -- ancient love. Everything is all right. Can't get upset...such indifference from an objective place. Experience detachment...so this is detachment. Why have I been so upset in the past? Old patterns, old memories, old plays.

Strong sense that my head is expanding...feel like there's a small tree in my head. R must see the tree.... I am a tree and he sees it. Tree in my head expands...branches in my head and arms; torso becomes trunk; legs and feet become roots. Legs/roots...tumor/legs/roots; branches/head/tumor...leg/roots...head/branches...combination of old/roots and new/branches ...attempting to integrate old and new; ancient and modern; past and present. I'm in a season...no, two seasons at once: Spring and Fall...growing and letting go simultaneously.

HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM

accept

acceptance

no problems



everyone is a tree

everything is theatre

different acts

different seasons

no exceptions

only acceptance!

No words

Be present...original present

Take this perspective with you...just be an objective observer with all of my presence. Embarrassed by how much power I have given to what doesn't really matter. Re-focus, re-align, re-adjust back to Self. Image of dragon going to chiropractor flashes before me; I was borm in the year of Dragon. Inner chiropractor is aligning the central axis and my inner levels or bodies fall into place. Smiling Dragon.

Look at my arms, hear the hair growing on my head; skin filled with copper...copper swirls; close eyes...cells, organs, centers, everything filled with copper patterns and spirals...everything is copper. Taste metal...strong metallic taste; is this the mineral kingdom in the body?... Beautiful, luxurious copper. Magnificent.

HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM HUM

Life, civilizations in the body...alive, vibrant, copper! healing copper...feel warm currents of energy; melting sensation; fire...small fires in the body; bonfires...feel like a furnace. Dragon furnace; Copper Dragon... fire breathing Dragon! Solar Plexus furnace...copper furnace...the solar plexus is a copper furnace. Healing furnace...healing copper.

It's all theater...I sat under a tree with a Genii who released the hummingbird that sang to the Dragon in the Doll's house that was made from copper. Everything is a mandala, and heaven is on earth. Great presents on earth: purpose, presence, acceptance, and love. Earth is Eden, and Adam is within.

HUM HUM HUM H U M B L E D

§ Set: exploratory, meditative.

§ Setting: friend's home, with guide.

§ Catalyst: 150mg plus 50mg MDMA.

I Was Resting in the Palm of His Hand

35 year-old former school teacher, ex-nun

Perhaps the most obvious feeling for me at the beginning and throughout die session was the incredible sense of peace and release from the bondage that I felt. My body was no longer a trap, a prison, but instead became like a kaleidoscope, a mingling of different energies. I felt myself being several "I"s in a very strange way. Sometimes I felt myself very wise, sometimes I was the adult me (not so wise) and sometimes I was a child. I felt a deep friendship with the guide, as if I had known him for a long time. Certain other relationships came up and I saw them as equally lovable. I was able to detach from intense attachments that bring pain and was able to love gently and freely, a truly wonderful gift for me.

I found myself thinking of God the Father and felt that I was resting in the palm of His hand, just as Isaiah says in the Bible. I was being rocked in a large hand with darkness as universe all around me. It was incredibly soothing and loving. When the guide put on certain music, I felt romantic, and instead of being with God the Father, I was dancing with a very handsome man whom I don't know. It was very peaceful, not passionate; very graceful and free. Then I was confused, and it became the figure of Jesus. I was amazed. I told the guide that Jesus was my brother whom I loved very deeply. The guide suggested that Jesus was also my lover and yes, I have felt that, though a bit guiltily. But love like that with a man is what I have sought...passion and gentleness together...peace. In my life both aspects have always been separate. A man is either passionate or gentle, and I love both, but they are separate.

I knew instantly what my life's purpose was...to continue to seek the heart and mind union, to continue to remember the essence within which was so peaceful, in spite of worldly activities. Adam revealed a new potential which I knew was there, but was too afraid to experience alone. As far as my studies, I realized they were important, but they only mattered in the world. I saw that I was worrying too much about others' opinions of my work. I realized that the intellectual work has been a saving grace for me...I truly love the the work of the mind, I have always been an avid reader. But now I can put it in perspective. I have been putting too much energy in concepts and theories that may change in ten years, whereas the eternal principles of love, truth, self-realization, etc., remain the same. Now I can, with the help of Adam, tap into the deeper resources which were always my goal. I am still a bit afraid of the future, of going back "into the world," but after the session, I feel that the inner connection will guide me through and I will find my place. The place will definitely be working directly with love energies.

When the guide played Vangelis' Odes , I felt as if my soul had been called. I remembered my Greek heritage and I went back to ancient times in feeling and memory. I felt very, very old. I could have died at that point and not felt bad about leaving my loved ones. Somehow I felt that they would understand. Death was so natural, so peaceful.

With the South American jungle music, I felt very earthy and that felt threatening. I felt that I was going to be sacrificed, and my dream of running away over the mountain was remembered. Going into instinctual waters is very scary for me, I realized then. I felt the possibility of the mind gone wild, of no principles to live by, of evil sorcery and of life being worthless. Since then I have realized that I feel the same way about certain areas of the ghetto where I grew up. In fact, some were even called "the jungle." There is a sense of being ripped open and apart. I have felt that passion does that, when it is purely egotistical desire without taking the beauty and dignity of the human being into account. In some ways, my quest for the spiritual was to purify myself from those threats. I have never seen that before. But I think I definitely have to face those instincts now, though I am afraid.

During the session I saw my mother's life and realized that her suffering was hers, not mine. This has been a great release for me. I saw that, just as I could have died then and there and known it was right, that she also, at some level, perhaps had that feeling. I could see under the normal layers, in a way, and know that we all know the truth underneath. So too my mother may have known that someday I would understand and accept her death, without feelings of abandonment. This was a wonderful gift. When I thought of my father, I missed that sense of security and power that comes from the male (at least for me) but I was getting it from God the Father as energy and love. I was able to see my parents as earthly extensions of Divine parents and as such of course limited. But since I now felt the presence of Divine parents, it was O.K. I still hold that feeling to this day, though not as strongly as during the session.

I realized that I have a hard time receiving love, I mean, really experiencing it. I know that I am loved, but I feel shy and don't seem to give it much importance. I felt a deep sense of self-love, a feeling of rightness about me, as I was. In loving freely, I want to give without expectations but also receive without judgment. I see this very clearly. It will be my life's goal. I'm really excited about it. Life now becomes a mystery, but a good one. Before, it was always a problem. As a mystery, I am not judged if I am me, I am looking to see who that "me" is. And looking, in itself, is worthwhile. Another relief.

One of the most beautiful experiences of the session was the resolution of Christian and Buddhist compassion. This has been an inner question for me for many years. How could Buddha love and not feel sad; how could Jesus feel sad in loving and still be enlightened? Somehow, during the session, they came together. I saw that Jesus's heart, sad with the ignorance of the world, was an expression of his life externally, but that internally, he was absolutely sure that he and the Father were one and so, his soul was at peace. Buddha's external expression was mind, a peaceful, harmonious mind, but his internal experience was a deep sadness and heartfelt compassion for the suffering of the world. So he, too, gave his life to save others from suffering. For me, Jesus and Buddha, in front of whom I pray and meditate, became two sides of the same coin, two perspectives of one experience. That question is over and I am truly grateful, for I can cultivate both heart and mind, knowing that sadness and peace can be simultaneous emotions or feelings, and not judge them as separate. Also, that sadness and love are one aspect and that joy and love are also expressions of love. Love can and should also be practical.

§ Set: therapeutic, spiritual.

§ Setting: therapist's office, with guide.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg plus 50 mg MDMA

The 1000 Petal Lotus Unfolding and Unfolding

45 year-old female, housewife, mother

Why did I want to take Adam?

I have been feeling an emptiness inside -- a loss of meaning for my life. I visualize myself as a chrysalis -- something is dissolving and something is reforming. But I do not know the shape of what is there -- I am not in touch with my Essential Self. I want to find my spiritual connections -- the sound and taste of my own Emerging Self. My outside persona is still pretty intact, pretty recognizable, but there are profound physiological and psychological changes happening as I move from being a fertile woman and a wife and mother to being an Older Woman alone. I want to accept the changes with more serenity and inner joy.

So I am asking my Self how I can best come to some acceptance of my life as it is today? Where do I find the courage to make the further changes that are necessary and to let go of the rest of the stuff that is no longer relevant? Where are the rose-colored glasses to change my attitude so that I can truly enjoy the freedom of living alone? How can I best achieve the serenity to take each day as it comes and not try to recreate the past or worry about the future?

How can I open my heart again? I feel so shut off from Love. I feel afraid to be loving and light-hearted and foolishly affectionate with anything or anyone. I want to reconnect with that innocent, joyful part of my Self.

Yesterday my guide gave me a great gift of Adam. It took about 45 minutes for the drug to take effect, so we sat in the living room and talked together. It was so lovely just being with her.

We started with music of Kitaro. I drifted a while. Then I began to see amazing patterns. I had thought that there was a void but it was so complex and intricate...wonderful. I thought about trying to capture them and paint them or reproduce them, but I knew that I did not want to do that. I could not hold onto them -- I just had to let them be and enjoy them. Some of the patterns were like feathers -- peacock feathers and pheasant feathers. I felt like the designs were a message to my Self -- that there is all this complexity -- that life is very rich.

Then there was star music -- very swooping. I saw a great tree against the sky with dragons at the ends of the branches and milkweed against a blue October sky - cranes flying and great blue herons. I felt as if I were flying. My legs tensed and my shoulders and my back arched and my jaw tightened. I felt as if I were poised to fly.

I realized that I do not have to do anything different with my life. It's all here now. I don't have to change my life. It is very full now! That feels good to me!

The essence of this experience for me was a deeper Knowing. I did not hear voices or see psychedelic pictures with colored shimmering edges. I seemed to tune into a source of strength and knowledge that has always been there but that I have forgotten. I 'saw' with new clarity and without sentimentality.

I checked in with some of the people I love. I thought a lot about Love, that there is love all around us, that there is lots of love in my life and I haven't given enough credence to all that. All these people I have been checking in with love me and I love them. I found that I don't know if I really want another marriage partner -- or even a sexual partner -- that I don't want to do trips with people, that I am afraid to put the effort required into making another marriage, that I want someone to play with and to have fun with -- but that there are lots of loving people in my life already.

I saw a far-off bright field with sunlight shining on it and a path leading away from some gates and over a hill. I saw some men walking away from me down the path and over the hill out of sight. I realized that is probably true -- that there are not going to be any more men in my life, at least as a real partner. Then the gates swung closed. However there are lots of people in my life and I don't need a man. I don't need anyone else. And someone may come, but I don't need him. It is the sense of neediness that is so awful.

Beautiful flute music, skimming over the California landscape, appreciating how beautiful the world is. Then I came to some wide adobe steps leading upwards in a slow spiral with a flat building at the top. The whole structure seemed to be turning around a fixed axis -- the North Star. This is the experience of the Divine for me -- I am a humanist -- I don't need a supernatural god. There is so much beauty all around -- and so much love -- and so many wonderful people. That is enough. I feel very open and I have felt so closed off and unloveable for so long. I feel that this is a process of polishing the glasses and seeing what is there.

Then I got something about Trust -- I got that you can trust other people to five their own fives, that I don't have to mother people anymore or take care of them. I know that my task now is to work on myself and to find my own strength, that I don't need the other person anymore. I feel that I have connected deeply with a source of Strength. I didn't hear any words and I didn't see very many pictures, but there was a deep KNOWING that I could connect with. I feel wonderful about myself -- I don't have to try so hard. Just to be! Simplify things a bit and spend more time with myself.

During this experience I had various body sensations -- I felt very light most of the time except for the muscle contractions that were not all that distracting -- added to the sensation of flying. I checked throughout my body and I feel very healthy -- no pains or aches or problems. My body is serving me well.

I checked around to see if there was anything that I could discard in my life, any way that I could simplify things. Actually there isn't very much that I want to give up. But I could go more slowly. All the people in my life are very important to me and I cannot stop seeing any of them. But I have to be clearer about how much space I need for myself. I want to stay connected with all the people I love, and I know that staying connected takes work and time and loving energy and I have lots of that loving energy now. But I know that people will respect my need for more space and it will be easier for everyone if they don't perceive me as being so needy.

More lovely peaceful flute music that sounded like wind -- like the breath of God -- and I really came to know that there is Spirit all around us. I experienced the 1000 petal lotus unfolding and unfolding and unfolding and I knew that you can never really get to the Center -- but that it is there!

We talked again about Love and my feeling so shut off from it. This whole experience has been an Opening of the Heart. I want to move through each day more slowly -- being here now -- not quite so frantically, not in such a panic about being left alone. I want to enjoy my solitude. I saw that this could be a time to make some commitments that would serve to keep me in this space of Inner Peace of Heart.

I am just starting out on a Path and I don't know what is going to happen, but I want to allow whatever is going to happen to happen.

After the experience I felt incredibly high and relaxed and happy, but the next day I started to come down and felt so exhausted that I began to question the whole experience. Did I really tap some Inner Truth? Or was this all a clever pre-programming by the music and the discussions that we had while the drug was entering my blood stream?

For a few days I was unsure about accepting any of the Wisdom I had touched. Then I realized that what I had experienced was an enlarging of my reality, that the Truth I had seen was only a part of a larger whole and that there was even more -- and that it was all true. That ended my doubting and made it easier for me to integrate the experience into my everyday relationships.

I decided to secure the experience by making some changes in my life. I decided that I wanted to begin to meditate regularly every day again, and I have been doing that since day 4. That has been very calming and has helped me get back to the peaceful space that I experienced with the drug. I decided to listen to music more regularly -- just listen to music, and not use it as background, but listen with my heart and that, too, is wonderful.

About day 8 I realized that I knew what Unconditional Love means! I feel this great gently loving feeling -- it doesn't require doing anything -- I don't have to earn love from anyone by doing something for them. I can just be there, with them and love them and with most people that is wonderful. I got lots of feedback from the other participants in my graduate school.

Now I feel easier with all the people that I love -- fewer obligations and neediness. I feel that I have dropped my concerns for their happiness, that I can trust them to find their own way. This is an extension of my growing awareness that I am through mothering other people-- I am finally ready to focus on mothering ME.

It is now two weeks since my Adam experience. I am sleeping much better -- no aids for 4 nights. Mostly I am feeling calmer and more at peace with the universe than I have for years. I made a couple of lovely monoprints to illuminate Rumi's poem:

The clear bead at the center changes everything

There are no edges to my loving now.



It is still difficult for me to accept the truth of my knowing -- so much of my everyday reality seems contradictory. I am beginning to accept the paradoxes.

§ Set: self-exploration, spiritual.

§ Setting: home, with guide/friend.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg plus 50 mg MDMA.

The Energy Flows through Me, I Make It into Music

35 year-old female, graduate student, computer programmer

Since I've found a place where I can bridge my higher self and my ego, I don't have to live trapped in my ego. I don't have to be trapped in the hurting part. That's hopeful, that means that we humans can be something more than the evil part of human and it also means we don't have to become Jesus Christ to do it; it's not such a big mountain to climb. We can heal ourselves without climbing to the very heights; there is an in-between place that's reachable for all of us. So that makes me hopeful. At the same time, when I see something like "The Killing Fields," it makes me so overwhelmed with the feeling that the job is so big, that there are so many people, the majority that are trapped in that other part and don't know about the god within. And what those two things, those two extremes, the hope and the sadness/desperation about the world, make me feel that there is something I need to do more than just work on myself. I need to help heal the world. And I don't know how to do it.

It's something more than just being kind and a teacher to the people who work for me, because I feel like the problem is so overwhelming. The problem is so overwhelming, yet there's the hopeful part that there is this place. If I can be here -- and when I say "be here" I don't mean just here living in my Christ consciousness, I mean be here pissed off, and all of it, I mean be here all of me, yet not let the part that separates and destroys control me; if I can do it, then the next person can do it.

We're working to get to the place where we can step aside of our egos and be in the place of love. The pain is still there, it's not denied, it's felt, but there's another avenue we can use, and the pain gets healed. So, I need to do the healing in my life; that's where I work first. But, now I can feel 'cause I don't feel so much a captive of my own problems, 'cause I feel those are workable. I feel it's not enough to just do it in that little circle that I do it in. I've always seen the need for the healing but I never saw that there was really an out, 'cause I was also a captive of my ego, but now I've watched how in the last several years I can get out from under that control.... I've always felt the pain of humanity, but now I see that there is hope, that if I can do this then others can. So, that's the change.... The change is not that the pain of humanity has lessened; there's been a ray of light in all that pain, and the ray of light is "I am able to step out of it."

I find that the Adam experience now tends not to be so distinct from the rest of my life, it starts to be part of life without taking anything.

My body does not exist from my hips down, but my back right now feels like it is absolutely on fire! Oh my god, my back is burning up. It's going up to my head, too. Is this what they mean by kundalini? It's incredible. It's like you're on fire. Incredible! I've had it in the lower back before, but this is up into my head. Lot of it around the higher back, the heart.... I'm staying in my body 'cause this heat on my back is keeping me more in my body. I guess that's my lesson, to stay in my body more. It's this heat. I feet like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. It's burning up. It's in my head burning up too.... This heat is keeping me in my body. I also feel sick to my stomach. There are flashes of white light again. I see, I've been working on bridging there and here: the heat keeps me in my body but the light can still be here. Last time I got lost in the light, this time it just comes and goes. The heat is burning up, going up out of the top of my head. I'm shaking. It's burning, burning. I feel like my head is on fire. It started on my lower back, but now it's moved up my back, and in my head. It's like it's on fire. Incredible. The light peeks in now and then. It's as if something else has overtaken my body.... Amazing.... My mouth is so dry, everything is burning up. I can't swallow, it won't go down.... It's just this heat moving up my back. Now it's at the base of my neck between my shoulders. It flows up into my head. Part of me is outside watching it. I felt no fear, no resistance or dread, etc.

The white light isn't steady this time.... I really am learning all the time. I'm not getting any messages this time.... Now the heat seems more even up and down my spine... Now it feels like it's spread in my whole back.... There's heat everywhere.... With the heat here I'm staying in my body. I guess that's what I want to do, bridge all this, bring it together... My whole body is vibrating.... I just had a vision of the world as a person, the same separateness from self as a person....

I'm very much here, I'm not out of my body at all. The music makes me see little people living in harmony.... The music is playing my brain.... It's burning around my heart.... I feel like having energy in my heart, but I have to move it out so it can come back.... I don't know if this always happens, 'cause I'm usually not in my body, but my mouth is like a desert! It's like the energy is forcing itself out of my mouth now.... Energy....

Rushes of energy go through me, waves of energy, and I shake (waves of shudders from my toes to my head). It's rushing up my spine to my brain.... This energy is incredible. It's in waves. Going in waves clear up me.... I give myself very little space to be ... to be and not to try.... This is my lesson, to experience all this in my body .... I already know the learning. I just need to go with what I know....

Waves of energy are going through my body. Incredible... It's like I'm a clarinet, and you blow on the clarinet and your breath comes out the other end but so does this wonderful music. The energy flows through me and what I can do is make it into music; it doesn't have to come out of me the same way it went through me. I can make it what I want, but once it leaves me there can be music that goes with it, so the next person it hits, it's not just energy (breath), it's also music. I always felt that because it has to be channeled through my ego, it would lose its music, but that's not true. Sometimes it does, sometimes the ego can be pretty dense and dark. My ego is the clarinet. I feel like I'm completing the bridging of ego and Self. Something happened here. Oh, the light just came on; I guess its affirming that something happened. The ego is the clarinet, but the higher Self is the musician. Yes, that's it. So, not only does energy not have to be stuck, but it doesn't have to come out as just energy, it can be music. I want it to be love.

§ Set: exploratory, therapeutic.

§ Setting: at home with partner; friend sitting.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg MDMA.

Springs of Enchantment

26 year-old female, student

I discovered Adam when I started an affair with this psychologist, who was using it in therapy. I broke off with my boyfriend, from whom I felt estranged and distant, even though he was very hurt and convinced that we were meant for each other. My sexual feelings became re-awakened, after a long slumber.

A few weeks later I moved to a holistic health retreat in the country, where I obtained a job, and began to study hypnosis. My former boyfriend was also there. I didn't want anything to do with him at first, even though he was very needy. Then after a while I thought it would be good if we took Adam -- maybe it would help him, and it would make it easier for both of us to accept our separateness.

During the session we became very close again, and I saw how he was right -- we really were supposed to be together, and learn to work together. So we fell in love again. I called the psychologist friend, who was expecting to see me again, and I told him what had happened. Now he felt hurt and rejected.

He said the Adam experience reminded him of the enchanted springs in the magical forests of Arthurian legend. There was a spring, according to this legend, such that if you went there and drank from it, you would fall asleep, and when you woke up, you would fall in love with the first person you saw. There was also another enchanted spring nearby, with the opposite effect if you drank from it you would fall asleep, and when you woke up, you would fall out of love with whomever you were infatuated with at the time.

§ Set: relationship communication and bonding.

§ Setting: outside in Nature; with partner.

§ Catalyst: 100 mg plus 50 mg MDMA.

All of Me, Just Being

42 year-old housewife, mother

Here I go, plunging forward through something I don't really like to do -- and yet I know with surety how important it is for me to look at where there is resistance.

I felt extremely peaceful, all of me just being with whatever came up -- a real lack of self-consciousness. I liked being so completely that way. Gentle. Slow. It was a gift to myself being that way. It was also a gift being with my wonderful friend that way. I trusted that I could be me.

I liked having the eye shades on. I liked going in. As soon as it was on I was reminded of my first acid trip when I closed my eyes and wouldn't open them for a long time. On acid I had sunk into my grief over my dead son. This time I started to cry, and I felt wonderful crying. I felt my guide might stop me from crying so I said that I was fine, that I felt good, that I needed to do this, that I felt in touch this way, and that it has been a long time. It was wonderful being together with him.

I loved the music right off. I just went away on it -- expansive. I wanted music that I could go along with. I just lay until I was moved to speak -- slowly. I liked going at that pace. I'd love to always move and be that way. It was good for me to experience myself that way. A good reminder. I've intentionally slowed myself a number of times since then, in acts like brushing my teeth, doing little regular acts. I realize I hurry and there's a level of tension. Then I catch myself and take better care of myself, slow down, and feel great that I did that.

I remember feeling that my life felt very much in order for the most part. I feel like acknowledging some people, like Werner Erhard -- really for his level of going for it.

I felt very loving. Also with my mother, which is not an easy relationship. I genuinely wanted to hear how and what she felt about hunger, nuclear issues, and like that. I was aware that I just wanted to hear without judging or making her wrong, that I could hear whatever she had to say without there being any tension in my body. I felt very good about that, Dear Mom!

I held my face between my hands as if I were someone else, my lover, holding it. It was a very interesting and enjoyable experience. It felt so small to me. (People have always said that I have a small face).

I remember being overwhelmed by the incredibleness of this planet and really wanting people to stop and get it. Then there wouldn't be even the possibility of destroying it.

I remember my teeth really chattering. I've never experienced that before. I liked it. I could stop it. I did want to be in control!

My picture of myself is changing. Let through the new me -- whatever that happens to be at any given moment. I feel I need to meditate and I intend to make that a part of my daily life again. I've done a number of the items I said I would already. I feel good doing what I said Id like to. I feel powerful making it happen.

§ Set: self-exploratory

§ Setting: home, with guide.

§ Catalyst: 150mg plus 50mg MDMA.

To Bathe the World in Light

35 year-old female, graduate student

Here I go, plunging forward through something I don't really like to do -- and yet I know with surety how important it is for me to look at where there is resistance.

I felt extremely peaceful, all of me just being with whatever came up -- a real lack of self-consciousness. I liked being so completely that way. Gentle. Slow. It was a gift to myself being that way. It was also a gift being with my wonderful friend that way. I trusted that I could be me.

I liked having the eye shades on. I liked going in. As soon as it was on I was reminded of my first acid trip when I closed my eyes and wouldn't open them for a long time. On acid I had sunk into my grief over my dead son. This time I started to cry, and I felt wonderful crying. I felt my guide might stop me from crying so I said that I was fine, that I felt good, that I needed to do this, that I felt in touch this way, and that it has been a long time. It was wonderful being together with him.

I loved the music right off. I just went away on it -- expansive. I wanted music that I could go along with. I just lay until I was moved to speak -- slowly. I liked going at that pace. I'd love to always move and be that way. It was good for me to experience myself that way. A good reminder. I've intentionally slowed myself a number of times since then, in acts like brushing my teeth, doing little regular acts. I realize I hurry and there's a level of tension. Then I catch myself and take better care of myself, slow down, and feel great that I did that.

I remember feeling that my life felt very much in order for the most part. I feel like acknowledging some people, like Werner Erhard -- really for his level of going for it.

I felt very loving. Also with my mother, which is not an easy relationship. I genuinely wanted to hear how and what she felt about hunger, nuclear issues, and like that. I was aware that I just wanted to hear without judging or making her wrong, that I could hear whatever she had to say without there being any tension in my body. I felt very good about that, Dear Mom!

I held my face between my hands as if I were someone else, my lover, holding it. It was a very interesting and enjoyable experience. It felt so small to me. (People have always said that I have a small face).

I remember being overwhelmed by the incredibleness of this planet and really wanting people to stop and get it. Then there wouldn't be even the possibility of destroying it.

I remember my teeth really chattering. I've never experienced that before. I liked it. I could stop it. I did want to be in control!

My picture of myself is changing. Let through the new me -- whatever that happens to be at any given moment. I feel I need to meditate and I intend to make that a part of my daily life again. I've done a number of the items I said I would already. I feel good doing what I said Id like to. I feel powerful making it happen.

§ Set: self-exploratory

§ Setting: home, with guide.

§ Catalyst: 150mg plus 50mg MDMA

I Can Now Move through the Trauma

35 year-old female, therapist, rape victim

Here is a general account of the effect that Adam had in the aftermath of the attack I experienced.

I suffered from some memory block or repression around the specific events during the attack, which has prevented any cathartic work. All of the terror has remained locked up inside of me and I have felt stuck, afraid -- and victimized by everyday circumstances in that I have had flashbacks of sorts: everyday sights, sounds, anything (a particular noise in a restaurant, someone walking up behind me, etc.). Things that I was not consciously aware of would trigger the unconscious nightmare that would result in dissociative responses that polarized and terrorized me.

There seemed to be some quality of the Adam that broke down the repressive/defensive network and took me back into the experience of the attack that was too much for my psyche to bear. Over a period of eight to twelve months I was able to re-experience fragments of the attack, thereby re-creating and de-sensitizing me to the experience. During the Adam I moved in and out of the attack: being plunged into the horror, then moving into a transitional phase of regression, into what was reported to me to be an almost infantile state (for example, during my re-experience of the attack my hands were either immobilized or assumed protective movements; after the horror the hands would gradually switch to small, infantile movements). I was not conscious of this.

My experience seemed to alternate between these two phases, and at times I would "come around" with what was reported as an exceptional presence -- a vibrancy and change in color -- an expansive quality rather than a fearful, contracted quality, and with a beaming sort of aura. I felt expansive, physically exhausted, but full of love and a deep feeling of peace. It has seemed that the Adam has allowed me to move into the fragments of the attack, to re-experience what I have needed to re-experience, and to de-sensitize me to my surroundings. The dissociative episodes have ended, and I can now move through trauma and come out of it in an open, loving way rather than leaving me with more memory of assault.

I want to clarify one further point. I had no conscious choice about the first part of the trip, in which I relived the attack, even when I tried consciously to maintain contact with my sitter. I would lapse back into the event and eventually regain focused, conscious awareness. I would phase in and out of the attack five or six times within a three to five-hour period. It was most intense during the first two hours, when it was clear to those who were with me that I was horrified and in great pain. It was from these episodes that the event was reconstructed for use by the police. It was as though I had been transported into a trance-like state. I often did not remember what I had blurted out and this was later fed back to me for integration. Throughout this past year I have been experiencing violent nightmares, waking up soaking wet, not remembering much of the content, so that the nightmare state and the Adam state were somewhat similar.

§ Set: therapeutic, integration of traumatic experience.

§ Setting: therapist's office.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg plus 50mg MDMA; 4 sessions over 12 month period.

Affirming Who I Am, Where I Am Going

37 year-old female, graduate student, systems designer

Whatever I can say now only dimly reflects my meeting with myself under Adams influence. These phrases and ideas from the transcript remind me of some of the highlights:

There's an opening that wasn't there before.... It's clear that everything I'm about, and everybody is about, is just loving God, and how to do that.... Guide: Does this remind you of your previous psychedelic experience? Answer This is quite different. Much more important. Much more personal, much more relevant. Much easier to carry back and to apply. I've got so much love and compassion that attaches itself to anything in the vicinity and tries to make it seem appropriate. That's when I forget that what I'm all about is loving God -- then I try to put too much into any relationship. There are still levels of integration to do around sexuality.... There's a real confusion of some kind...a real split.... Now I'm listening to my inner voice -- usually I tend to avoid it.... Sex can be a way to get closer to God, but I haven't been choosing in such a fashion that it's going to be.... It's been very helpful to be celibate because I can see so much more clearly and easily where my sexual energy goes, where my attractions are. What is the source of my arthritis? Blocked energies. I need to get in touch with what I want, and let the knowledge lubricate my joints: no more stoppage of anger or love. Let it all flow through! Guide: So love lubricates the joints!

Material about a sexual molestation incident -- first reported during a hypnosis session several weeks ago -- has had much more meaning for me since I heard the tape of the Adam session. In it I sounded like I was seven years old. The impact comes from the deep recognition of how many ways the event molded my responses to the world around me, in part because of the distrust of my parents that was focused by the incident. Reliving this incident helped to free up my energy and emotions in a number of ways; it feels like this process will be ongoing for some time to come. The understanding and resolving of this incident is not only helpful to me personally; it can be a vehicle for my reaching out to others with similar experiences.

In general, my journey with Adam affirmed who I am, what I am doing, where I am going. The affirmation was experienced through an opening of my heart rather than as a deepening of intellectual understanding, although some of that has also occured.

The Adam, the set, the setting, and the invaluable input and support of the therapist/guide created a sense of receptivity, wonder, love, and joy. In this set and setting, with empathy for all aspects of life, learning took place whose content was easily and deeply received. My desire to access such learning is great, in part because recalling these lessons elicits the highly desirable state of consciousness in which the learning occurred. The content itself also seems to take on a certain desirability, making it more readily available than much that I have learned under more traditional circumstances. Just writing about the state now, almost a week later, still brings back the sense of wonder, love, and joy that I felt at the time.

My mind tends to scurry about, trying to give form to some of the issues that were raised on the trip, but which still seem incomplete. These include a deeper understanding of my confusion about/dissatisfaction with past relationships, sexual matters, use of alcohol, and future plans for my internship, dissertation, and profession. Despite the attention that these topics get, I am for the most part holding them lightly. I have a clear sense that my journey with Adam is far from over: much is being considered and reflected upon below the surface of my conscious awareness. To the extent that I have addressed these concerns I am very well satisfied with the understandings I have reached.

My actions as well as my attitudes have begun to shift in certain areas. I am able to perceive, receive, and respond to love in a much more open way than I did a few weeks ago. There is a greater ease with respect to my dealing with and responding to my sexual energy. I seem to find it much easier to contact my feelings and, as appropriate, to express them.

Perhaps the most important after-effect has been the indwelling experience of affirmation about what I am doing. There is a sense of correctness; even when feeling muddled and unclear about what is happening, I know at a very deep level that I am moving in the right direction. However dark the path, however many shadows may appear, there is a light within me that provides warmth, illumination, and nourishment. My awareness of this indwelling light and my increased clarity of my sense of purpose has been greatly enhanced by my experience with Adam.

§ Set: self-exploratory, meditative.

§ Setting: at home, with therapist/guide.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg plus 50 mg MDMA.

The Fire of Love and Trust Banishing Demons and Pain

32 year-old female, psychologist

I thought often of my breathing, wanting to focus on it because of my problem with asthma. I felt disembodied -- it was hard to tell whether I was breathing or whether my heart was beating. I would draw in my breath consciously -- not knowing how long it had been since I last did that. At one point I worried that I would have to go to the hospital because I had stopped breathing. I decided that if that happened that I could handle it. There was no experience of fear.

My lover asked me to consider whether I had asked myself the question, "Do I deserve love?" I had never considered it in that way before. I realized that I wasn't sure. I experienced strong somatic effects when considering this idea, feelings of contraction in my gut. Not unpleasant. I began to feel that my breathing problems were connected with my fear of "doing the wrong thing," which would lead to loss of love.

I realize that this fear permeates my life, veritably smothering me. My lover told me he loved me for who I was, not what I did. Somehow this thought brought sadness. I had the thought quite a few times that there must be some reason other than me, myself, that I was loved -- for example it was karma, or that I was loved in spite of myself.

I began to have strong waves of feeling blessed, that I was incredibly fortunate to do the sessions, to be able to open up my heart and mind and look inside without the usual barrier of fear.

Post-session realizations:

The fire of love and trust will banish the demons of fear and pain. I had very old, childhood pain of abandonment by my father. The worst part was not knowing what had happened, and never seeing him again. I have had no trust that any man that I love would stay. I feel that I'm easily forgotten. I feel bad that my father forgot all about me. I realized that my father left because he was unhappy. I did not do anything to cause that. I did not create it, Mom did not create it; if anything Mom and Dad together co-created the problem. They both were doing what they thought was best. Dad probably thought that it was better for the kids if he did not come and visit. I forgave him for making this mistake. I forgave Mom for what she did and for not explaining.

I usually fear that the abandonment will happen with the man I love, that he will find someone with whom he would rather be than me. I experience this pain and fear when he doesn't call when he said he would, or when I can't find him. I fear that, like my father, I will never see him again.

I am now sure that the man I live with will continue to exist when I don't see him or hear from him. I now know that we have a special connection that will never be broken, even after we die.

§ Set: therapeutic, self-exploratory.

§ Setting: at home, with partner as sitter.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg MDMA plus 100 mb Ketamine simultaneously.

A Secret of Life Revealed

40 year-old female, artist, mother of two

We finally found a night for the Adam experience. In no time I was carried into a different state of consciousness, very hard to put into words, certainly very different from an LSD experience. The main difference for me was that an LSD trip brings about a lot of mind-images, it seems -- there is more mind expansion or explosion; whereas Adam brings about this intrinsic, unique sensation of body-awareness where one floats in total bliss. This sensation of blissful floating was shown in my mind as energy-forming, expanding, contracting, breathing (one could say: breath as moving and life-giving) -- each slight movement creating a minute change in the energy field, made of what we call "love" in it's purest and truest form of existence. It was truly mindblowing, awesome, a secret of life revealed. This most unbelievable gentleness and sweetness we are! Thank you so much for this beautiful gift. There has been nothing like it, so real and so long-lasting (about nine hours), before in my life.

The sweetest sounds come out of me, following the movement of my outbreath. Again and again. So gentle. Such full and expanded in-and-out breaths. When I threw up, it was just like that, nothing but a natural action. It's true, though, that in the beginning, when it hit me, my partner took care of me beautifully, moving me from one place to the other. He felt me to be three times as heavy, whereas inside I felt light as light and without any resistance or weight, with only the sensation of my body giving me a natural feeling of boundaries.

Also, all levels of consciousness seemed to have slowed down tremendously and to have become one -- no separation whatsoever, inner and outer as one, no mental thought interfering, just communicating the experience of the moment, in a sense no past, no future, all simultaneously happening at once. Soul-talk. So simple, so beautiful, so poetic. My partner and I experienced each other in the fullest soul-sense. Whatever we would be doing -- talking, moving, looking, making love, being, it was real, as real as anyone can be. It was so easy to understand one another, so true, gentle, blissful.

What joy! I couldn't believe how simple life really is. If we didn't have our beliefs and thought-forms blocking us, we would constantly be in a state of fulfillment. Somehow the "I" (whatever it is -- it seemed full and empty at the same time) knew at every instant what it wanted or needed and expressed it, clearly and simply, with the sweetest voice and without hesitation, distrust, or disconnectedness. The "I" (Self) was just love and the mind served it most beautifully with clear, simple words.

Love is truly beyond words, and because it exists, everything else is created with it and through it. The question of the Will came up for me: who is willing here? Certainly it is not my personal will. If it is the universal will, or whatever, it's hard not to interfere with it through personal distortions in our normal state of consciousness. What an art it is to live life happily, creatively, with fulfillment. Most of all I want to remember how simple life really is.

§ Set: exploratory, relationship communion.

§ Setting: at home, with partner also on trip.

§ Catalyst: 300 mg MDMA.

Clairvoyance and a Sense of Open Truth

48 year-old female, artist

Having taken Adam only a few times, my experiences have nevertheless been varied. I had no drugs previous to this year. During the first session I experienced myself as a cross of light and my arms automatically spread out, whereby a great clearing in the body-emotions-mind came about. This first session was in a natural surround, and trees were seen simultaneously as trees and as energy fields and temples. Clarity and direct cognition about aspects of my life that were previously dimly felt occurred. Flashes of insight touching all 48 years of my life came, whereby consciousness went down through fields of awareness that might be called past-life resonances, even to the point of my entry into the earth for the first time in the Himalayas, when I could change my body into light waves.

During this clearing and purification, whole processions of memories of people went by whereby I felt great gratitude and spontaneously felt a warmhearted bestowal of blessings to others. Although I had no intention beyond open experiencing in this first session, it answered many questions. I was told that it would be a three or four-hour session, but after some time I discovered that it was not the sun in mid-heaven but the moon, for the sun had set long before and it was midnight! Over twelve hours had passed.

With two subsequent sessions I had specific questions that I wished to be instructed on, and I found that if the mind is focused on an inquiry or is open to some truth, insights concerning the issue are revealed, consistently.

One thing that I am most impressed with is that the insights about my life and about the lives of others are so profound that I am motivated to immediately take action. This has turned out to be very effective in my daily life. After the first session I cleaned up my whole garage (which literally had four tons of stuff in it). After the second I gave dietary and exercise instructions to my mother, who had been suffering for many years from severe arthritic pains and problems due to her being overweight. Not only did she respond to my instructions (by mail, yet!), but she is no longer in pain, and the signs of arthritis have miraculously lifted. She has lost considerable weight and feels more positive and clear and happy in mind.

I suspect that Adam experiences are quite unique and custom-made to the individual. Motivation, integrity, and the degree one has prepared one's life for true insights make, I feel, a lot of difference in the kind of experience that one has. I feel that I have no need for repeated sessions, at least for the present, for the clairvoyance and a sense of open truth in expression that it has helped to open continue for me as a sustained way of life.

§ Set: exploratory.

§ Setting: outside, Nature.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg MDMA.

Such Deep Compassion, Such True Caring

39 year-old female, filmmaker

The first physical sign of the drug became evident about an hour after taking it, when I felt my hands to be "airy," as if they wanted to just gently fly off on their own. Simultaneously, something that was said touched me deeply, and I felt very emotional. There were, however, few similarities with psychedelics. Adam is much gentler, and there were no visual hallucinations. There was a distinct emotional effect. I felt that my most compassionate aspect was in full control. I was able to see and understand other peoples' actions from a totally neutral place, with a compassionate feeling for them, even if their actions caused me pain.

I had access to feelings of love, compassion, and forgiveness for my father. We have had a lifetime of difficulty in our relationship, and since he is very old and sick I have been troubled lately that perhaps he might die soon without ever having experienced a good communication between us. This experience assisted me in seeing him and his situation in a very giving, caring way, and to let the difficult aspects of our relationship fail away. It was a totally new feeling for me that I had never had for him before, and it was a healing experience for me, and, I hope, for him.

The drug seemed to bring out my gentlest, most compassionate nature, and to suppress the more judgemental, critical aspects of my personality. These are definitely part of my make-up, but are not the parts of myself that I am most proud of. It was actually quite lovely to feel such deep compassion, such true caring, to such a great degree. It was a very genuine feeling, and I could see why people had spoken of this drug as one that could enhance relationships.

But it was also much more. It provided an ability to see clearly, and, as my guide had told me, to access information from what I call universal consciousness. It could also foster intuition and encourage the flow of creative ideas. Most of the time I was lying on my bed, listening to music, going deep within to ask questions and receive answers. Occasionally my guide would comment, or offer me water, or turn on the tape recorder when I wanted to tape a thought or idea.

I felt, and still feel, an enormous love for her, and a great appreciation for her gentle guidance and caring for me. She made sure that all of my physical needs were met, provided the most perfect music I could imagine, and generally was 100% there for me in anything I needed.

At one point, since I and others are working on a project about US/USSR citizen diplomacy, and are concerned with peace issues, my guide asked me to look and see what impressions I got about where the nuclear threat was going. Were we destined to blow ourselves up or was this increasing nuclear threat just an aberrant behavior that had gone too far off balance? It felt as though this nuclear threat we are experiencing is some sort of test, a difficulty placed in our path for us to overcome. I asked other questions and received answers, all of which seemed familiar, as if some part of me already knew these answers and needed only to be reminded of them.

One thing is certain: I'd like to be able to access these feelings of compassion and deep caring in a selfless manner at other times, and so I am working on remembering this feeling and am keeping connected with it. The entire experience was very valuable.

§ Set: exploratory, therapeutic.

§ Setting: at ome, with friend as sitter/guide.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg MDMA.

To Speak of What Was Too Painful to Remember

26 year-old female, schoolteacher, rape victim

My perception was very keen. I seemed to be a lot more aware of the moment. Like the first time there was a flowing of emotions and I started to cry. My friends' presence gave me reassurance and I was able to trust myself to go deeper into my past and speak of painful aspects of my life. I knew that my friends were there to help me and I felt the need to pour out my agony. My emotions were becoming too much to handle, they seemed to be poisoning my veins.

By this time I was too scared to keep going deeper into my past. My friend asked me to keep silent for ten minutes and to think of and feet what was happening to me. It took a long time before I could do this, always fearing that I would simply go mad. When I finally accepted it and did it, I could feel the pain take over my body so that the suffering was physical as well. I was alone in this suffering. I felt that I had to go through it, if I was to accomplish anything. This was an important challenge because after ten minutes of too much pain I was able to trust myself to speak of what was once too painful to remember.

I spoke of a rape that occurred eight years ago. For eight years I have kept the most horrible aspects of that day hidden in the back of my mind, and it was only then that I realized how the little details that I had wanted to ignore were eating at me like a cancer. The memories became very vivid in my mind and the suffering became more intense, but I still wanted to talk about it and I felt that I could deal with the pain, that this was a start to try to defeat the cancer. Adam made it possible for me to speak and to try to see things from a different view.

By talking about it I was able to face the fear of the experience and to understand what it had done to my life. It was frightening to think that I had tried to ignore that day to the point where I didn't know where the pain had come from, nor could I remember what had happened. I had gone through life having nightmares and feeling guilty, telling myself that it was not normal to be affected by something that has occurred such a long time ago.

The most destructive feeling that resulted from the rape was a feeling of inner emptiness: I didn't feel love or hate for the people who had hurt me; I didn't feel anything toward myself and even less for life itself. (This is the reason why I don't like anti-depressant drugs: they make me feel the same way.) I continued living because I didn't even care enough to kill myself. I remember crossing the street and thinking, "If a car hits me, fine, and if it doesn't, that's fine, too." It's much worse to not feel anything even than to feel something sad.

So my emotions caught up with me, and I was closer to death than I'd ever been before.

Adam has helped me look at this suffering, to see my life as a whole and to understand it better. It has given me the courage to face the fears instead of ignoring them to know that the most important thing is to struggle to trust myself. I don't know what my life will be like now, or how much I want to live, but I do know that the experiences I have gone through, even though painful, have also been full of tenderness and trust, and there is no longer this feeling of emptiness. I am not leaving a hospital with a prescription in my hand for anti-depressants. Rather, I'm leaving with a friend, with the hope that I see him again, and with the courage to try to face my fears and to face life.

It has been the vision of so many deaths, during the LSD portion of this experience, that is helping me to live now.

About two hours after taking the LSD, my friend asked me whether I wanted to take Adam. At this point I would have tried anything, and I thought that the Adam would help me cope with this pain, so I said yes. It didn't ease the pain but it helped to open up the emotions that were bottled up inside. Once I opened to my memory of the past, the room seemed to fill up with people from my past who had hurt me, and with people who had tried to help me. My friend's eyes seemed to be calling out to me, but then all of a sudden he changed and became transformed into the rapist. His toes and legs were those of the rapist but I knew that the figure was my friend. It was horrifying to see him as the man who had caused me so much pain. The only reason I could deal with it was because my friend was so strong in being himself that even though his body seemed to be that of the rapist, the rapist could not take over his mind, and I could turn to him for support.

I started to feel the horror of that day and I started vomiting. Getting sick was more than just a physical illness. I was vomiting from my soul, getting rid of pain, of an evil that had been destroying me. I felt then the need to tell my friend what the rapist had done to me, having always kept it to myself because I thought that by not speaking about it that eventually it would be erased from reality, and that all of it would become a horrible &earn, a part of my imagination.

I felt that it was too late to pretend that it hadn't been real, and I feared that my friend would hate me. I don't know why, maybe it was that I hated my own body, it being a reminder of evil and corruption. But he didn't feel disgust towards my body, he didn't see it as changed by the experience. I then tried to see my body through his eyes, to understand that it was not impure, that it didn't have to be a reminder of cruelty.

I felt that I was becoming stronger with my friend's help. The rapist was grabbing me inside and wouldn't let go. I wanted to vomit so badly , feeling that if I did I could be rid of the rapist -- at least he would be outside and no longer a part of me.

Later I felt I had got rid of so much, but I still felt nauseous, there was still a burning lump in my stomach. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it out. It seemed to be the only part of the rapist that remained. Maybe it will always be there and I will have to learn to live with it. But it doesn't have to dominate my life.

My physical discomfort interfered with the peaceful movements that were also a part of this experience. They seemed trivial compared with the pain, but now I hold them close to me and they help me cope.

I felt that it was so painful to love that knowing that I could still love was what caused most of my suffering. But the emptiness and pain of not loving was so much greater -- without love we cannot experience the beauty of living. I felt that I had to hold on to the love instead of fighting it, and that I had to try to deal with the pain that it caused me, because facing it is better than the emptiness.

It seems hard to do, but perhaps there is a chance that I can fill the emptiness with new life. It scares me and I feel very lonely. But this experience has made me realize that death is not necessarily the right answer, or the most peaceful alternative. Realizing this has given me the courage to at least try to find meaning and reason.

§ Set: therapeutic, integrating past trauma.

§ Setting: home, with friends/guides.

§ Catalyst: 65 mg MDMA, two hours after 300 μg LSD.

The Chooser Becomes the Chosen

45 year-old female, artist-filmmaker, mother of two

I lie back and listen to music, feeling pulled to touch my heart (chest) with my hand. My hands begin dance-like movements in the air and suddenly I am hit, full front, with a chemical buzz and I see exquisite patterns of colored energy dancing against a dark background. I sense this energy, which will go wherever it is directed, it is indifferent to the outcome of what it serves.

It speaks to me: "The experiment is (essentially) over." I felt a wave of anguish and I prepare for sadness. It speaks again: "There's no sadness." I feel confusion. I report aloud, "There's no sadness." My guide speaks: "Not after a while." From him I feel compassion for us all....

I close my eyes again, to go beyond "energy." I feel (even now as I report) a deepening recognition of the larger picture: that there are "levels" or "states" at which it matters a great deal and there exists a vast well of feeling, but that the energy itself does indeed not care. But for the earth itself, and for that which created it, there will be grief that I cannot yet even begin to fathom, of gigantic proportion. I am reminded by my guide that we are indeed more than earthlings.

I am guided to allow myself to accept that creation, at least the human family, may be destroyed. Humans will, in this scenario, destroy themselves. This is a real (and perhaps realistic) possibility.

Yet, in accepting this, I see a path which branches off from this field of acceptance. And so we come to the beginning of the path I am now on: "God grant me the courage to change that which I can change, the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference." This feels like phase I.

The next phase begins with a sense of "What can I do?" The guide clarifies that through acceptance I can lessen the grief of the impact of future outcomes. I can have a say in what happens by transforming my acceptance into an affirmation.

With great tenderness, the guide puts his hand on my heart center, leaves it resting there, and asks "How is your body?" He reminds me that this is an opportunity to heal the spirit AND mind AND body split -- not just mind/spirit or spirit/body or mind/body....

At that point I become aware that what I can do about the larger situation is allow, invite, surrender God into my own body. The God consciousness aches for and eagerly awaits this moment to enter me, as it longs to enter each of us, at any and every moment. I lay back and turn my palms upward. Without resistance I say "I sacrifice myself. Who is there? It is I. Who is there? It is I. Who is there? It is Thou."

Painlessly, and in silent ecstasy, that which has lived as my guest, my visitor, my "higher' self becomes part of my consciousness. We merge. No longer higher, it is now inner, merging with that which chose. The chooser becomes the chosen. The guide knows. He speaks of gods and goddesses with open eyes all over their bodies. Phase II ends here, with the glad marriage of myself and my Self.

In the third phase, I begin to relate this state to daily reality. Others. The network. Cultivate the network. Adam simply turns up the volume. It is all already so. I review my life from this heightened awareness. What is acceptable? Unsuitable?

My physical disorder -- I search inward and discover resistance to the physical plane. My guide encourages me to observe patterns in Nature and give birth to creative patterns of order. The phrase "the order that enables us" helps free my thinking. I remind myself that if I am becoming a home to the indwelling spirit, it will see out of my eyes, and it likes to see beauty, proportion, and harmony!

I realize that I can make agreements with myself in the Adam state, that I can recall them when in the non- Adam state, and that that can affect the non-Adam state. I proceed to ask for guidance and support in integrating these changes of habit into my life. I do intend to become a perfect temple for this God-consciousness. I plant the seeds of support in myself this day. Another agreement I make with myself is to let it shine, not to hide or be shy about this energy of the spirit that is infusing me.

Phase III continues in daily awareness, acknowledging what is unacceptable, and, with compassion, designing ways to clear the core -- yes, like a reed flute, so that the breath can pass through and be, if appropriate, music. Phase II continues also, since I choose and rechoose every day. And I dwell in Phase 1, the acceptance of that-which-I-cannot-change and from which action springs.

Final phase: manifest, receive, accept, create, share, allow, generate LOVE . It is the gravitational force of and for the spirit.

I had always felt unconscious of and therefore cut off from my own body. It's as if the part of me that lived such a full life was a visitor, who took no responsibility for the house in which it stays.

During the course of a single Adam session, I experienced a deep natural healing within myself. I re-owned my body. In the two weeks that have followed, I have observed specific behavioral changes in myself. These include: the ease with which I choose lighter, healthful foods, and no longer desire heavy, fatty foods; a definite increase in the grace with which I move; an instinctive desire for water with a marked increase in daily fluid intake; no desire for caffeine or alcohol. And for the first time in my life, I can feel myself consciously and lovingly aware of the body in which I live.

§ Set: spiritual exploration, self-healing.

§ Setting: at home, with friend/guide.

§ Catalyst: 150 mg MDMA plus 50 mg MDMA.

Body/Mind/Spirit Move into Hovering Space

37 year-old female psychologist, healer

Question posed. I feel a natural evolution of love, integrity, creativity, and power. What is my way to right action in balancing the personal and transpersonal dimensions?

Body: a feeling of evenness. Calm anticipation. Then contraction and expansion. Imagery: a flower and a stone. I'm falling through space. My left side is a large stone out of which an enormous flower blooms on the right side. The flower acts like a parachute.

Body: warmth starting up legs through pelvic bowl. Imagery: I am the earth. Body feels as long as the earth. Head is the North Pole. Sun shines and warms entire body except North Pole (head). Does the earth feel this too?

(Music: "Timewind," by Klaus Schulze.) Image of wind whipping around me. Cutting through something on the diagonal. Feel like a mummy being unwrapped. Body energy and awareness increase.

Suddenly a huge trumpet flower emerges out of the equator of my earth body (navel) and reaches up far into space.

Wind sounds feel cool and draw my attention to the North Pole. Ice and snow. Energy forms that look like transparent comets whirl around at high speed. They have a numinous quality. Raindrops form from these energy entities. Fall to earth and become crystals in a cavern in the earth.

I am aware that life is formed in the wind. These energy forms feel like basic life (breath). They seem to be Spirit, travelling at high speed. This Spirit is apparently the essential truth that we experience once we leave our bodies. This Spirit appears to be what energy is between lives: invisible, yet, in a numinous, way, present

I asked my guide to read the "Emerald Tablet" of Hermes Trismegistos: "... The father thereof is the Sun; the mother is the moon; it was carried in the womb by the Wind; the Earth is the nurse. It is the father of all works of wonder throughout the world."

Little wind spirit relaxes and becomes a raindrop. Raindrop falls to earth, slows down in this touching, and becomes crystal. Shifting vibrational speed manifests all things.

The guide suggests that I tune into the earth's axis. When I do, I feel the earth's etheric bodies. Body/Mind/Spirit move into hovering space. I refocus on the floor of the crystal cavern at the North Pole.

Clear and definite image and feeling of an Animal Spirit to my upper right. A black panther encased in sandstone, Egyptian stone guardian , sitting proudly, with dignity. There is a certain stillness in that dark power. The guide suggests the stone image is just one manifestation: "Look into its essence." I see the stone outer cat serves as a container, a cocoon. This reminds me of my own body, and though it serves as a vessel for Spirit, it's important to watch for rigidity and fixed notions and viewpoints. Stone statue's name is I-You, which speaks of this ego-skin between self and other. On the other hand, the essential life inside this skin speaks of being true, direct, moving with spontaneity and unselfconscious passion.

The guide suggests I move inside form. My body experiences heavier energy coming in on the right side. My guide invites my feminine side to open to receive.

Image of a black warrior with a rainbow extending out of his head, starting to enter my body on the right side. Feels like too much power. Immediately an image emerges of a black man and a white lotus. This white lotus fills my vision. It is incredibly beautiful, with 1000 petals. It floats over a pool of water, never stopping. It is roofless, yet it is sustained by something. The image evokes a quality of the Form and Formless. I later see that its roots are grounded in the Formless.

I look at a picture of a strong black woman, well grounded and balanced. She has a lithe, solid body, and is wearing a lavender dress. Her face is hidden behind a crystal veil. She stands in the rain near a lagoon. In her hands is a large straw broom, and she seems to be sweeping with much determination.

I experience a deep sense integration, feminine strength, and fullness. Lavender is the color of a warrior. The contrasting colors of black and lavender represent to me the dense and the subtle. I feel enlivened and awake and right when I look at this picture, because it is a way of synthesizing the male and female energies. The panther and black warrior energies are incorporated in a form that fits for me. The act of sweeping is a metaphor for a style of clearing in my healing work: caring, cleansing, clearing.

Image of mouth flying open: awe, shock, no sound. I have no idea where this image/sensation comes from. Image of me as a baby in a crib, my cries unanswered. Feeling alone. Strong impression of being outdoors under an enormous black sky, experiencing vast space and distance from the shimmering stars. Alone, crying out into vast emptiness.

On the psychodynamic level, from the feeling of aloneness, I developed an attitude of "I'll do it myself I won't let you help me. I'll take care of myself, because I know you need a mother more than me. I'm more in touch with my own wisdom."

Developing a stance of independence. Giving more than receiving. I see that I continually need to practice reaching out and asking for what I need. The reaching out is definitely harder for me. Aware of being more a rock in the stream, defined by many who want something from me. I am practicing being the stream and flowing and reaching for those I want to be with.

I become aware of tension in back of neck and along jawbones. Holding back and controlling my responses. Seems to be some psychodynamic clearing. Some question about fear of sexual surrender. Although I've opened to a far deeper place of surrender at this point, there is past memory of confusion and fear. Not deep sexual fear, but rather confusion about being seen as too powerful to be given to (as a healer), yet seeing myself to be in part a needing woman.

My guide asks "Are not both true?" Yes. My concern: if I surrender sexually, or if I fall in love, I fear I will lose my power. I saw my needing as vulnerability and weakness. In the past this has been true. I still need to clear past conditioning on this. I'm caught in a collective feminine notion about giving over to a man, which doesn't seem to further relationships in the 80's. How sex role behavior patterns hold on!

The guide suggests a redefinition of the feminine/receptive to include reaching out. Simple sentences, such as, "I need you to be with me and share sexually. I want to be with you. I want time and space to enjoy you. These are my needs and wants..." etc. Bringing these essential things into my being brings me into balance and harmony. This, for me, is a bowing in respect to all chakra energies, and acknowledging that all are open, are functioning correctly.

The day following the Adam session, I worked with my therapist to see more deeply into the nature of the crying baby. Uncovered an incident with my mother which cleared easily. Found an earlier incident related to birth trauma of being born feet first and almost suffocating as head came through the birth canal. Experienced blank space/black space, something I've never felt before. Seems linked with anesthesia given to my mother, combined with her fear of death. Apparently Adam kicked off a sensation of this. This work is in progress.

An incredibly fine experience for me on many levels. R, your willingness to guide me through this touched me. The direct experience of Energy, Life, the Earth, first human life, the 1000 petal lotus is precious to me. The images are rich and clear. The assimilation and reintegration of male-female, animal-flower symbols and emotions is an empowering experience for me. I am surprised the psychodynamics all poured out. So be it.

§ Set: spiritual exploration, planetary consciousness

§ Setting: at home, with friend/guide

§ Catalyst: 150 mg plus 50 mg MDMA

Out of Nowhere Appeared My Inner Guides

40 year-old female, therapist, mother of three

This is a report on my first Adam session. In preparation for the session I cleaned my house. I sensed that this was going to be a sacred experience, and I wanted to prepare myself in a sacred manner. My guide came, and we went over a list of questions I had prepared to focus on during this journey. My guide suggested an additional question for my inner guides or higher self: "For my highest and best good, is there anything else I should be aware of at this time?"

I put on an eye-shade and listened to music. Time passed quickly; I felt the loving support of my guide, and then I started to feel my body having sensations I have always associated with excitement. Then out of nowhere appeared my own inner guides. They moved out of a gray fog, and for the first time I felt no fear of them. Always in my meditations I had been afraid that I was going crazy when they tried to speak to me, so I stopped meditating.

There were about ten of them dressed in draped gray garments, and I could tell by feeling that some were male and some were female. They felt like my real family. They spoke to me, not in words, but in mind to mind communication, about the importance of meditation for my growth. They said I was afraid of meditating because I had not learned to ground myself adequately, and that I must practice grounding meditations for a period of at least a month.

They said to imagine myself buried in dirt, to meditate from this position, and to be sure that I used grounding tools during therapy. All my fear vanished.

The next question that was dealt with was my issue with weight. My guides were not present visibly, but information came into me: it is not food that I am craving, but liquid. I had misread my body's signals. I should be drinking a mixture of warm water, warm milk, and honey to lose weight. It was very important to lose weight so I could resonate with a different frequency of energy. Too much flesh was preventing this process from taking place.

There followed a period in which a lot of information came to me concerning new inventions. One related to a metal box that contained particles; a laser gun was attached to it. People would be connected to it with wires, and their thoughts would be transmitted to the box where they would be transformed by the laser gun into a language read by a computer. Next there was information about pesticides and insects. The chemicals that we are using now are too heavy; a new family of non-toxic light chemicals that man will be able to five with will be invented. Insects should be sprayed with substances that make them feel love and acceptance: then people will live in harmony with them.

A question about my son was dealt with. My guides told me it was necessary for my son to go and live with his father. I was very sad, but felt it was all for the best. I cried a lot about my son during the session. I felt that I was being pulled apart. After my boyfriend came over to take care of me, and my guide left, I experienced a deep love and bonding with my son. I felt such love for the gift he has given me.

My question about why angry men are attracted to me was also answered: they want my warm loving-mother energy they didn't get when they were young.

Later in the relationship, all of their anger at their mothers comes up and is directed at me.

I was very emotional all night long. I cried a lot for all little children, for how painful and confusing it is for them and for adults. The next day my friend took me to a beautiful location overlooking the ocean. I was very moved by Nature, more than I can remember being since I was a child. I could feel and sense the presence of the Miwok Indians, and how blessed they had been to live in what was then a beautiful, abundant, and gentle place on earth.

My experience with Adam was wonderful. It helped me to face and accept fearful problems and their outcomes. I felt deeply connected with myself, others, and Nature.

§ Set: therapeutic, self-exploration

§ Setting: at home, with therapist/guide

§ Catalyst: 150 mg plus 50 mg MDMA

I Learned to Know Myself as a Whole



27 year-old female, graduate student

I had a guided Adam experience. Adam is an empathenogenic drug that my guide (a licensed psychotherapist) calls a "Gnostic catalyst," because it catalyzes a knowing which is already in the self, not in the drug. The Adam experience is one of expanded consciousness in a state of no fear, with deep compassion for self and others. Set in a therapeutic and spiritual context, a great deal of insight is possible.

It was for me a classic transpersonal experience: a profound and prolonged direct experience of myself and of the universe as a seamless whole. It marked a spiritual emergence of "Psychological Renewal though Activation of the Central Archetype" in John Weir Perry's terms, with elements of Shamanism and karmic patterns. In terms of Ralph Metzner's "Ten Classical Metaphors of Self-Transformation," the major