I’m not writing an AAR, I swear; but this session was really kind of cool, with exactly the sort of intrigue, back-and-forth wars, and rapid reversal of fortunes that make CK2 the best Paradox game. It began when Ranger declared war on me for the return of Lower Lorraine to his player vassal, Mike. With his ally Limah (playing Aquitaine), he had ten thousand men; but, subsidised by my own allies, I raised ten thousand of my own, and ambushed Ranger’s army when it attacked Holland across a river. My excellent King, Childeric, took the field himself, and led the charge; inspired by his example, my men cut down Swiss by the thousands. We drove them back into the Rhine, and cut them down as they tried to cross, throwing themselves into the red-running water! They cried for mercy, for ransom, for their mothers; but we gave them none, and slaughtered until our arms grew tired and our horses were splashed with gore to the withers. No such defeat for Swiss arms has ever been recorded, as we gave them that day at the Rhine Crossing; they ran back to their mountain cantons, and we pursued and made them recognise our claim on Lorraine!

And then declared war for Trier, obviously. Because why wouldn’t I, when I had 6k mercenaries ready, and had just smashed the Swiss army?

Unfortunately Ranger apparently had some rich friends too; he found more mercs, and by the skin of his teeth managed to drive off my stack, in spite of Childeric personally killing two of his commanders during the decisive battle. So we had both tried it on, and both found the other’s defenses too tough; I surrendered as he had, with no hard feelings.

As Childeric (“the Troubadour”, obviously the only possible nickname for a victorious war leader with several dead noblemen to his personal credit) was getting old, I arranged my succession. Unfortunately none of Childeric’s children had inherited his Genius; his hunchbacked grandson Guitard was the best of a bad lot, so I found him a Genius-Shrewd wife and sent him off to breed. Alas, Childeric’s wastrel grandson Hugbert did not approve of the inheritance arrangements, and managed to kill Guitard. I arrested and banished the horrible little murderer, and made do with their brother Guitard for my heir. Alas, these are the risks you take when all your children get Intrigue educations. Hugbert currently languishes in exile in Dauphine, where he plots to kill his wife Katherine. And while he is indeed a horrible little murderer, I can’t really blame him for that one, since Katherine is the mother of Guitard’s bastard daughter Brunhilde, and remains Guitard’s lover. That was actually nothing to do with me, the AI arranged it before Childeric died – but I have to say I approve. Hugbert tried to kill his brother so he could inherit the throne, and what did it get him? Exile and disgrace, and then to add insult to that injury, his other brother, the one who remained faithful to the family and actually inherited, seduced his wife. Truly justice is sometimes poetry.

The characters of this little drama – all pictured in life, so not reflecting their current circumstances; for example, the syphilis that Guitard got from his revenge-seduction of Katherina is not shown. He has at any rate found an excellent revenge on his worthless brother.

Alas, my diplomacy was going less well than my, so to speak, family affairs. Fimconte (also known as our game’s resident eldritch abomination, Hastur), ruling the Republic of Aquitaine (not to be confused with Limah’s Duchy of Aquitaine), attacked me for Burgundy. And, seeing his opportunity in Fimconte’s ten thousand mercenary pike, Ranger also declared war for a claimant on Champagne. With subsidies from my allies – you know who you are, and will not be forgotten – I was able to raise ten thousand men, emptying my treasury; but the mercenaries’ loyalty lasted just long enough to slam them into Fimconte’s men. Who, reinforced by Ranger’s decisive three thousand, defeated the worthless scum of the earth, and sent them running; there being plainly nothing more I could do, I surrendered Burgundy, making a mental note to start some Plots Spanning Decades in vengeance. (I leave the ones spanning Centuries to the eldritch abominations). Then I went in pursuit of Ranger’s much smaller stack; but by adroit manipulation he once again managed to get numerical parity, and after a series of back-and-forth battles he was the victor, as I ran out of money. I once again surrendered; but the day before Ranger accepted, his claimant died! The duchy went to a random Pepin – I have no idea where he came from – who remained my vassal. Thus Ranger was left with no gains for his pains; we have agreed to make peace between our houses for the time being, since there is plainly no luck to be had from war.

My Plots Spanning Decades have not yet borne true fruit, but I have at any rate proved that the eldritch abomination transmits itself by sex out of wedlock. Truly, a horror beyond the imaginations of men! Alas, nobody seems to care, presumably because the abomination has chosen to possess the bodies of filthy merchants, and who cares what they get up to?

Does nobody care about the legitimacy of the eldritch abomination’s bloodline?

I didn’t even mention the inbred, hunchbacked child who was for several years first in line for the Holy Roman Empire, because all the player electors thought it would be immensely funny to make Khan play that character he was the oldest son and rightful heir, and either you have primogeniture and the rule of law or you have anarchy, but alas, the child died before reaching his majority. The current Emperor, another Dez Neigh, while only nine years old, is neither deformed nor inbred. Although mutilation obviously remains an option.

France in 844, showing the prince-electors, with the lost duchy of Burgundy outlined in red.