Seen people “calling out” other people on Twitter over their use of language? Want to get into it yourself? Here’s a cut-out-and-keep set of guidelines to help you get started.

1. The greatest enemies of the left are those who agree with you on 95% of issues, but use minor semantic differences

2. Calling out must be done in the most public way possible. E-mail is an instrument of patriarchy

3. Nobody on the left should ever have a “large platform”. Better to cede public discourse to the right.

4. Everyone who disagrees with you is privileged. You know this because you’ve never met them.

5. Nobody who is privileged could also be right about something. The two are mutually exclusive.

6. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to agree with Caitlin Moran about anything.

7. In order to be intersectional and show your alliances with others you must have screaming rows with them every 5 minutes.

8. The ability to muster a large crowd to bellow someone into submission is in no way a platform or privilege.

9. Caitlin Moran posting a subsequently-retracted un-PC tweet three years ago is definitely worth devoting more time and energy to condemning than recent rape and bomb threats.

[This post is based on a sequence of tweets I posted facetiously last night. In a classic case of Poe’s Law, some people thought I was being serious, so for clarity I will state here that this post is satirical. On a serious note, I think disagreement and debate are good, but allies should do so respectfully and civilly rather than by Twitterstorming each other.]