Dear Readers,

What the fuck is wrong with Ezra Levant?

After the terrorist attack on a Quebec City mosque resulted in the arrest of a lone gunman, Alexandre Bissonette – a noted white nationalist, Ezra Levant sent out a paranoid email accusing the mainstream media of covering up the fact that this was definitely perpetrated by a brown guy, because why else would it be called a “terrorist attack?” He promised to get to the bottom of the story and expose the truth of CBC’s attempt to convert the country to Sharia Law, somehow. But, like all successful news organizations, The Rebel can only do investigative journalism by asking for money. So he directed viewers to fund his staff to perform their job, by visiting www.QuebecTerror.com.

In response, The Beaverton is launching it’s own investigative report to uncover the veracity of unsubstantiated claims that Ezra Levant sleeps with the light on because he’s afraid there’s a Muslim hiding in his closet. We will also explore the rumours that Levant wears adult diapers because he was never potty trained; whether or not he currently has a hamster stuck in his rectum; and expose the cover-up of evidence that he once had sex with a pig carcass to completion.

Levant, the bald-face profiteer of horrific tragedies, demonstrates many other aspects that need to be explored by our staff. Why is he the world’s biggest dick, despite having the world’s smallest penis? When did he sell his soul to Mephistopheles, and why didn’t it make him a better guitar player? All facets of Levant’s questionable character will be exposed.

So please consider donating to this inquiry of national importance – not to be confused with Ezra’s national impotence. Our fundraising page will be up soon, but in the meantime you can donate to the families of the mosque shooting victims here: https://www.launchgood.com/project/helping_the_families_and_victims_of_quebec_mosque_shooting#/

Thanks for your support,

The Beaverton