First in a series of not-so-serious set reviews; examining the depth of flavor, art appreciation and various other rambling about Amonkhet.

Welcome fellow mages! Lancey aka Hudunit here, spoiler season has culminated to the point where all the cards for Amonkhet have been released, and that means time for set reviews. I know we are eager to hear what the pros have to say on the power level of these newfangled toys to brew and draft with, I personally cannot wait for the puntastic reviews of LSV. However! One thing we appreciate but often overlook are the fantastic art + flavor, opposed to the cold hard stat-line and mana costs. So I’ve decided to share my opinion on the other side of the Magic the Gathering cards; the side which appeals to our creativity, our emotions, that intangible feel which attracts us to collect, savor and cherish these little pieces of treasure.

So forget about what orders we should first pick this and that, what potential impact each card have on standard/modern/pauper etc., but to focus on what really matters; How is it possible to embalm an angel? Are three brick counters really enough to build a monument? And how many cats mummies does it take to get to the center of our hearts?

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We begin our review on the Black side of the color pie. No need to start off with the ol’ WUBRG rotation, this is our review and between just me and you? We can review in any order we want! 😉

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Archfiend of Ifnir

This is what I imagine the typical Advancement to Archfiend Entrance Exam for Promising Demons (A.A.E.E.P.D. for short) looks like in Ifnir:

What does a normal Saturday night look like for you?

A)Reaping souls of puny mortals and/or kick around a few mummies with my bros

B)Worshiping the almight God-Pharaoh at the local 24/7 worship club

C)Partying with fellow bloodthirsty demons, feasting on the ichor of fallen angels

D)Brood alone at my crib, contemplate deep existential musings.

The correct choice of course is to devour your fellow candidates and hope your proctor doesn’t notice(and if she does devour her too).

Flavor Rating: Cool Demons Don’t Look at Tornadoes

Baleful Ammit

Apparently Ammit is a demon from old Egyptian religion that is part lion, part hippo, part crocodile and basing on the artwork here 100% FABULOUS!

I mean look at that fro, that must have taken years of careful grooming with only the best coconut oil available to the boys in Amonkhet.

“Yo Samut it’s your turn to oil the Ammit, its been quite ravenous lately”

“Uhh I’m busy with my training, could you just do it? *cough* unworthy swine *cough*”

“What?”

“…”

“Whatever, this job sucks”

I get that the new art direction for magic is to be more realistic and gritty, but for once can we get a card that looks like this:

Croco-Lion-Hippo doing the downward dog?

Flavor Rating: *See above* WIZARDS PLEASE.

Blighted Bat

Did you know that Amonkhet has two suns? No?

Did you know that there are a buncha sandstorms happening constantly at all times?No?

Did you know that the bats on Amonkhet communicate on the same frequency as the bpm of Darude’s famous ballad “Sandstorm” “Out of Control“? No?

Well look it up its canon*.

*this is a lie

Flavor Rating: Feed me generic mana, and I’ll go really fast.

Bone Picker

I enjoy the thought of this bird swooping onto the battlefield after one of your creatures haven been slain in battle, as a result it is much easier to coax it from its nest. Though I shudder at the thought of when the last time he has been to the aven dentist (beakist?) if a peck of its beak brings death.

I know the desert’s rough for scavengers but that’s no excuse to neglect personal hygiene.

Flavor Rating: Eyy bat you gonna eat that claw?

Bontu the Glorified

We come across the first God in our journey and by the looks of it, kind of a dick.

“OH almighty Bontu! Please join us in battle and defeat our enemies!”

“I don’t feel like it, everyone’s still alive on this side.”

“What?”

“Go forth and bring glory for your god!”

“…I need to switch careers”

After the battle, amongst the bodies of her worshipers

“I changed my mind, I’m ready to do this! but uhh… maybe next time”

Flavor Rating: Eyy Bontu you gonna eat those followers?

Cartouche of Ambition

Magic cards are one of my favourite sources to discover interesting ableit outdated terminology.

A cartouche is basically a slab/tablet that bears an inscription that represents a scroll, reserved for hieroglyphics typically depicting the name of an Egyptian royal.

No doubt some of these are used for the classic “Do you like me? Carve for yes and for no” or “Samut is a knob”

Flavor Rating: Dude where’s my car(touché)? My worshiping schedule is on there!

Cruel Reality

“Samut this has been a horrible week, remember that time when the Ammit tried to eat me?”

“…”

“And that time when I almost lost my head while our God watched us from a mile away?”

“…”

“Good thing this Gideon guy came to our city, makes me feel safe, I’ve been considering joing this Gatewatch thing…

wait Samut why are you leading me to the Ritual Sacrifice pond?

hold on…what are you…”

“BLOOD FOR OUR GOD-PHARAOH, DEATH FOR LIFE”

“Blrgggh…Fuhh…Yoouuuu…”

~blorp~

Gideon Rating: “Not cool bro… like the opposite of what I’m about.”

Cursed Minotaur

I imagine it takes more than two creatures to block this beast of a minotaur is because it is simply impossible to resist its charms. One glimpse onto those cloths which drape effortlessly onto the desert sand and that eyeless gaze into the horizon must have stolen

a thousand initiate’s hearts.

The Tah crop’s motto must be ‘We must cast out those with style, for the swag detracts us from our true purpose (and it instill in us deep jealous and envy).’

Flavor Rating: Front page cover of the new Yeezys Collection; Amonkhet Edition.

Dispossess

Journal of the Archfiend

Day #65

I have taken upon a hobby to collect every single spoon within the city of Nakatamun, my demon brothers have laughed at this endeavour and labeled me inane,

I must pay them no heed and focus on the task at hand.

Day #230

I lay on my bed of silver and gold.

No matter how hard I concentrate the handle stay straight, no matter how long I stare at them they simply will not bend!

How did you do it? Neo?

Day #1028

My cache grows low, my temper grows quick

I’ve begun consuming these precious trinkets in hopes of solving the conundrum

I’m certain that once I’ve completed this task my power will become unbound.

Day #2983

The end is nigh.

I’m down to my last one.

The mockery has become incessant, though my colleague have developed a habit of going missing.

Perhaps the secret lies not within, but without…?

Flavor Rating: Day #3000 VICTORY AT LAST!

From this day forth I shall be know Archfiend Bender-of-Spoons.

Or Bender, for short.

Doomed Dissenter

It was obvious what they intended this card to be, if you’ve been banished from the city you come back as a raggedy zombie, not like the clean and well-preserved

mummies that’s all the craze in Amonkhet, in a way you’ve lost your honor and place within your clique and respect from your crop.

But I choose to see this as an underdog story, get left for dead in the desert? Come back bigger and stronger! Die as a 1/1? Come back as a 2/2!

I can bench press 230 lbs! Take that you bastards!

Flavor Rating: Want to impress your crop-mates? Leave the city and join our 1-week desert program! Double your power! Double your toughness! *Cost $19.99 per session, plus (one) soul

Dread Wanderer

This little jackal has quite a time frolicking in the sands, therefore it makes sense for her to come in tapped because shes is tired. Exerted even.

But as a zombie she never truly dies, she just wanders around the desert until she can come back again(still tired of course).

Flavor Rating: I want a ball THIS big!

Dune Beetle

Jeez look at the size of this thing! If I were to ever ignite my spark, the first thing I’d do is planeshift to Amonkhet and ride this thing as my mount.

But aren’t camels the main mode of transport you say? No way, I can ride camels on earth, who can say they’ve actually ridden a giant beetle*?

*Volkswagens not withstanding

Flavor Rating: I want a dung ball THIS big!

Faith of the Devoted

Speaking of planeshifting, I’m totally on board with joining whatever cult Nicol Bolas has brewed up here. If the typical day includes devoting my ‘faith’ to the God-Pharaoh by sipping that Jesus Juice, that Bolas Beer or even the Gatewatch Gin then sign me up!

In fact I’m so ‘faithful’ right now, excuse me, I think I just might kneel down and pray to the Porcelain God.

Flavor Rating: “Does anyone else think this taste metallicy? Sort of viscous and hemoglobin-y? Just me? OK. Cheers!”

Festering Goblin Mummy

Ah finally a reprint! Our favorite black 1/1 for B that dies to give -1/-1 to something!

Funny thing is that this isn’t a may ability, you have to target your own creatures if they’re the only…

Wait a second I’m getting news that I’m confusing it with Festering Goblin, this is still a reprint albeit from Dragons of Tarkir, where the goblin’s -1/-1 is changed to for opponent’s creatures only so to not force you to…

Hold on I’m getting more information that I’m still getting it confused this is a brand new zombie goblin that gives -1/-1 and is also a may ability…

WHAT? It isn’t a goblin this time?

You’re telling me there isn’t ANY goblins in this set?

By Bolas’s horns! You got me good wizards of the coast.

Flavor Rating: …-1/-1 COUNTERS? Next thing you know they’re gonna say it can be put on ANY creature now. Psshhh

Final Reward

Life is tough on Amonkhet ain’t it? You serve the great God-Pharaoh to your last breath, if you did well whats the prize you get? Eternal servitude!

Let’s just put some embalming fluid all up in your cavities and voila, good as new for a servant like you! Keep on carrying the torch my friend, train the others so they could serve just as well.

When the time comes when you are no longer useful as an undead servant (how long could that take am I right?) you get to finally rest in peace!

Congratulations! Severance package? Haha, just be glad the God-Pharaoh doesn’t pull you from eternity and serve Him again.

No seriously you better keep your complains to yourself lest you anger Him for real.

Flavor Rating: 6 mummified crop-mates carrying your decrepit corpse, out of 8 mummified crop-mates carrying your decrepit corpse (filled with jealousy)

Gravedigger

This is actually a reprint this time right? It isn’t trick that makes me think it puts a creature INTO a graveyard or something crazy like that right?

OK, fair enough, though I am slightly bothered Mr.Gravedigger here took a mummified corpse out of it’s humble abode, then somehow it is able to be re-summoned. What are the logistics here?

Does he carefully unwrap all the wrappings and drains the fluids, then instill life-force back into the corpse?

Or does he just leave it at the doorstep of the Planeswalker and says “Here you go, you know what to do” and peaces out?

Am I supposed to accept the fact that Planeswalkers allow graves to be defiled and re-purposes the contents for themselves?

Are there interplanar sanctions for this sort of behavior? Seems quite loose in my opinion. Now I can get behind a God-Pharaoh if this sort of thing becomes outlawed under interplanar law…yeah! I can dig it.

Again I’m only slightly bothered.

Flavor Rating: Little did Lancey know, the gravedigger was only clearing space for himself to live(die) in.

Grim Strider

Hoo boy did I say I wanted to visit Amonkhet? What I meant was I did not want to get out of my house, or my room for that matter

I just want to stay clear from whatever that thing is, if it means not turning off my lights ever, if it means I’d have to stay up and browse the internet all night

so it would not visit me in my nightmares, if that’s even possible (TELL ME WHY IT WOULDN’T) I’d do it for the good of the people, I’d do it for YOU!

Flavor Rating: 3 Bird People flying away from that thing(for the love of God-Pharaoh) out of GET TO SAFETY PLEASE

Horror of the Broken Lands

If by the ‘Broken Lands’ they mean ‘Pectoral Central’ then we’ve arrived at the right place. His 1-week desert training program is paying off.

Apart from the grotesque hammerhead-looking head (no judgement) and the scattered bones surrounding him(no assumptions) I see no need to label him as a horror. He just wants to show the world his sweet pecs and cuuute~ crop top

Flavor Rating: Eyy big man you gonna eat t… nvm you good

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Alright here is the end of Part I of Black Cards for Amonkhet Flavor Set Review. Tune in soon to see Part II!

Thank you for reading this far and I appreciate any feedback; email me at hudunitmtg@gmail.com and I’ll read them! Promise.