I’ve gotten a lot of great posts so far with thoughts on sex positivity and it’s been enlightening reading them all. Here is the question I wanted to answer when I came up with the carnival theme: why is it important that the asexual community in particular is sex positive? My response is that some aces do have and even enjoy sex, and a sex positive attitude is one that fosters safe and consensual experiences for those who do engage in sex, and respects the diversity of sexualities and sexual practices.

We first have to define sex positivity—the opposite is not sex repulsion, by my definition. You can still be sex repulsed and sex positive. According to the Wikipedia, being a sex positive person means the following things:

promoting safe sex practices

emphasizing the importance of informed consent

respecting “individual choices of sexual expression”

refraining from judging different types of sexual activities

promoting comprehensive, accurate sex education

not pathologizing natural sexual expression(s)

I think all of these points can exist quite peacefully in the ace community. However, the reason I think the ace community in particular should be sex positive is the fact that asexuals sometimes do have sex. Just because we don’t find people sexually attractive doesn’t mean we don’t have sex; as we keep repeating, attraction does not equal behavior. Even if we are indifferent to the act itself, we might engage in it to please our allosexual partners or become more intimate with them, or even out of curiosity. And of course, there are gray-asexuals, demisexuals, and kinky asexuals who enjoy sex for its own sake. If you want sex to be a safe, consensual, positive experience for everyone involved, you are probably a sex positive person.

However, just like the word “feminism,” the term has become tainted by what I believe is a misunderstanding. Sex positivity isn’t about shaming others for not having sex or pressuring others into having a higher number of sex partners or even stating that everyone must have sex and if they don’t, they’re repressed. Anyone who espouses these attitudes is not sex positive at all because they are not respecting individuals’ choices. In the Wikipedia article for sex positivity, the sexologist Carol Queen is quoted as saying:

“Sex-positive” respects each of our unique sexual profiles, even as we acknowledge that some of us have been damaged by a culture that tries to eradicate sexual difference and possibility… It’s the cultural philosophy that understands sexuality as a potentially positive force in one’s life… Sex-positivity allows for and in fact celebrates sexual diversity, differing desires and relationships structures, and individual choices based on consent.

Asexuality is just one of many “unique sexual profiles,” and not all asexuals are alike. As I stated before, some asexuals do enjoy sex and some have it for their partners. Queen says it’s a potentially positive force, not a compulsory component of one’s life. While the asexual community should be a haven for those who wish the escape the sex-saturated and sex-driven culture we live in, the fact remains that sex is still a part of life for many of us, and rejecting sex positivity rejects the idea of promoting positive sexual experiences for our members.

The last point in my list is salient for all asexuals, regardless of their attitude towards sex: the Wikipedia article mentions that medicine/psychiatry has been accused of hindering sex positivity by designating some forms of sexuality at the bottom of the sex-negative hierarchy as being pathological. While most people think of homosexuality when they think of sexuality being pathologized, asexuality is also affected. Asexuality is not recognized by the DSM as a legitimate sexual orientation, and may still be classified as Hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

An inclusive definition of sex positivity is one that I think the asexual community can get behind. The foundation of the philosophy is respecting the diversity of sexualities, sexual practices, and sexual desires, as long as they are safe and consensual. The asexual spectrum and the sexual practices of aces are things which are respected by sex positivity, and the community should whole-heartedly adopt the philosophy, if only for the sake of its members who must navigate a world in which sex is something many of them have to deal with.

(This post was written for the June Carnival of Aces, which I’m hosting!)