There’s something I’ve been dying to get off my chest. I utterly despise women who sit at home and spam their “friends” about buying something from their pyramid scheme business — or worse, ask them to sell it under them! These women are ASSHOLES. Whew. THAT. FELT. GOOD. I’ll try to refrain from cursing, but when I’m mad…I cuss.

And I am most definitely mad.

Over the last few years, I’ve been receiving a constant stream of social media messages from people I knew at some point in my life who want to sell me something. I’m talking a sales pitch every two weeks.

Here are a few of the companies I’ve grown to resent:

Rodan + Fields

LipSense

Plexus

AdvoCare

Herbalife

Scentsy

There are plenty more, but these fall into the “most annoying” category.

Let me be clear. It’s not the products I have a problem with. I’m sure the products are great. Maybe even amazing. But when someone I barely knew a decade ago suddenly acts like we were besties back in the day, and they “hope I’m doing well” and I’ve “really been on their mind lately” and they “just know I will love their product” … all they’re really doing is putting me on the fast track to deleting them from Facebook.

Let me give you some word for word examples:

“You have been in my thoughts and prayers lately!! I know we haven’t talked in awhile, but I keep thinking how I would kick myself if I didn’t take the chance to reach out to you. You have always been one of my favorites!”

This came from Karen. A girl I went to high school and college with, but barely knew then and know nothing about now. I’ve been in your prayers lately? I’ve always been one of your favorites? This is some weird shit. You should be kicking yourself for being so fake.

“I’d love to tell you more about the business or the R + F products if you’re interested so you can fall in love with them like so many have! Are you currently in love with what you are using or up to making a change? We have a 60 day money back guarantee.”

No, Karen, I’m not currently in love with the facial products I’m using. That place in my heart is reserved for my husband, who’s an actual human being. Not a $75 plastic bottle filled with sandy lotion.

“Okay, this is my monthly stalk you to get you to have a trunk show message!”

This one came from Mandy, a cousin of someone I knew in college. I have never met this person. Mandy admits she stalks me at least once a month. Her messages always start with a few sentences about something she knows I’m interested in, based on my Facebook posts. She acts like we’re friends, then goes in for the kill. Trunk shows. %&(*#!@ TRUNK SHOWS.

For those who are unfamiliar, there are three ways these women will try to get you.

They want you to buy their products. They want you to sell their products, so they can make a commission off your work while they sit at home and eat cheese puffs. They want you to host a trunk show so they can sell to your friends and make YOU look like the asshole.

A trunk show is basically a “get together” in which “your friend” parades goods in front of you for two hours. They tell you there is “no pressure” to buy, except those bastards rely on pressure you put on yourself. The kind that makes your heart beat out of your chest when you’re the only one not lining up with your American Express. Because everybody loves to be the person at the “party” who drank the free alcohol and ate the pigs in a blanket, but passed on the $200 necklace that you’d maybe wear once a year.

“This is the perfect time to get started! Let me know if you want more info! I promise to give you the best deal!!!”

This chick’s name is Angie and she looks familiar, but I cannot tell you how I know her. That’s not stopping her though. She clearly knows me well enough to give ME the BEST deal.

“Hey girl! How are you?!? Looks like your doing great and your job looks so fun!! hey I was wondering if you knew about Rodan and fields skin care line? I’m a consultant and thought you would really like these products!!!!!”

This message came from Katie. We had the same babysitter when we were five. The last time I saw her was the same year JT showed Janet Jackson’s boob to the world. A malfunction almost as bad as Katie’s painful ignorance to the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

“Have you tried lipsense yet?? It’s absolutely amazing!! It’s an all day lip color that’s scientifically formulated to bind to the lips for up to 18 hours of wear. I’ve been using for about 6 months and love it. It’s by far better than any other lip product I’ve used!”

Went to high school with this one too. Her name is Lauren. We lived in a small town but have literally never spoken. What better way to kick up a non-existent friendship 15 years later than to sell me some lipstick that will stay on all day and even when I’m asleep?! Just in case Channing Tatum comes looking for a smooch in my dreams.

And then there’s Heather. Someone needs to teach Heather when to take a hint.

“I wanted to reach out to you about Plexus. Do you know much about it? This company is seriously changing my life both health wise and financially speaking. I am so passionate about it and I would love to share some information with you if you’ll let me!?!?”

“I wanted to reach out to you about Plexus again!! I know I may start to seem like a crazy plexus girl….but I love it so much I can’t help it. It’s really an amazing company. they’ve created products that truly get your insides healthy. They don’t treat symptoms of issues, they fix the root cause…gut health. I feel SO much better than I ever have. I have friends seeing results with migraines, thyroid issues, sleep issues, BP issues, autoimmune issues and on and on. Would you be interested in talking through a few questions and seeing what areas plexus could benefit you?”

“I know you haven’t expressed any interest to me about Plexus, but I feel like these products are beneficial to everyone. We all have different issues, the root cause is often the same. I’d love to discuss what it could do for you. Right now we have a 15% promotion going, and there’s always a 60 day money back guarantee. Would you like to discuss some specifics?”

What part of me ignoring your last two messages makes you think I would want to “discuss some specifics” this time? Good grief. Also, you sound like a robot. I hope you don’t speak to people like this in person.

These messages might sound familiar because my guess is these ladies copied-and-pasted them from some guide produced by the company. They should call it a “how to sell to your soon to be enemy” guide.

So ladies, on behalf of all your friends who want to tell you where you can shove that product, but won’t … PLEASE STOP. I really doubt making cash off “friends” you pressured into a purchase is worth not having any friends.

Sincerely, pissed off women across America.