Leilei Tian is a LDS Chinese composer currently living in Paris. She and I have been internet friends for the past few years and I got to meet up with her in Paris last November. We talked a lot about God and prayer, and I asked her if I could share some of her ideas on this blog, which she happily agreed to. Although she has a public career as a composer, she seemed perfectly content to allow me to publish her extraordinary spiritual journey online, and I admire her candidness in this regard. Here is a selection from an email she sent me several years ago which touched me deeply, and which I still refer back to from time to time:

I believe there are several possible traps in the religious life. First of all, people believe religion is purely a public thing. I am a member of the church and I am grateful for all the good that I get from being in it. Yet, I have to admit, the collective worship and its activities can never replace the personal search for God. Religion, for me, is not about activities, not even to believe a set of doctrines, nor to build a social bond by sharing those beliefs. It is not even to just be a very nice and moral person. True religion is the way to learn to unite our soul with God. It is a more private thing than a public thing. Just like a marriage or close friendship is a private and intimate thing. In closeness, we find depth. So with God….to Him, we tell everything, expose every level of our being, good side and bad side, surely not less as to our spouse, but much more. Frankly, I have never regarded Christ as the Lord in the sense that he is my leader, my master or a mere example of good behaviors. But He has been my Lover, my best Friend, my Father, my Son. So in front of Him I am just as true as possible.

In the beginning, I fought with Him (Like Jacob wrestled with the angel:), I argued with Him, I complained all the time (like the Jews in the desert), I even imagined hitting him on his head when I got angry and hurt, also of course many sweet kisses, hugs, happy tears, praise, heart-felt thanks and joyful jokes….because that was me, both good and evil. But with time, I changed, never perfect of course, but I am no longer angry, sad and quarrelsome anymore…we have a more stable and loving relationship than our beginning now though never a lack of passion.