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Ever since she was traumatised during a primary school excursion to the Darling Downs, local West End resident, Cara Boutstuff (29) has dedicated her entire life to protecting animals.

She’s one of those vegans that is so strict in her beliefs that she doesn’t even eat food products that contain honey, for fear of being complicit to the cruel practices of the villainous bee industry.

Even in her chosen career field, as a low level administrator deep inside the highly bureaucratic Queensland Department Off Agriculture And Fisheries, Cara is secretly working towards freeing every caged animal in the country by bringing down the farmers from the inside.

It’s very clear where she stands on the issue of animal rights, so much so that her pisshead uncles are now at a point where they don’t even heckle her at Christmas anymore.

It is for this reason that her housemate has decided to not tell her about the mutilated possums he keeps finding under the front stairs each morning.

“I just hook them on a tree branch and chuck them in a skip bin down the street” says Toby, an unemployed bong lord who lives with Cara and two others in a gorgeous fibro workers cottage in Brisbane’s metropolitan Southside.

“She doesn’t need to know her microchipped domestic companion (Peta, who is a cat) is ending the life of an innocent native animal every night”

Cara, however, says the risk of extinction faced by urban wildlife is one of her biggest concerns – to the point of her signing like six online petitions about the protection of possums this week. Toby says this is why it is imperative that she continues thinking the screeching noises she hears each night are just domestic disputes amongst at-risk humans.

“It’s best for her to continue thinking that it’s just a couple junkies fighting in the street” he says.

“Trust me. I can’t deal with another hipster existential crisis. It’s been hard living with these people since Trump got elected”

At time of press Cara was seen bartering with her 3-year-old pet cat, who hasn’t been eating much of late.

“What’s wrong?” she says as the Tabby rejects another $27 bowl of ethical cat food