They always said that being a father wouldn’t be easy. I knew I'd have to deal with dirty diapers, shuttling my son to and from school and sports practices, and college tuition. But I never anticipated that I'd have to grapple with my son not telling me which of the robots from Daft Punk he is.

That is, however, my life.

I guess it's a father's burden not to know if his son is the gold-domed robot or the silver-visored robot in a world-famous electronic-music duo. My father probably had the same trouble with me. I just never realized it, I guess. Kids are so oblivious to their parents' troubles.

Just imagine my embarrassment at back-yard barbecues when every other father is bragging about his son's promotion or recent graduation from a rehab program. I'd love to say my son won six Grammy Awards with Daft Punk, but the next question is inevitably about which robot he is, and I can't answer.

It makes me pretty sad to know that Daft Punk's manager probably knows which member is which robot. It's like their manager is more of a father to my son than I am, even though she's a woman.

And that's not fair! Women shouldn't be fathers, and fathers should know which robot musician their son is.

If you don't think I've straight-up asked my boy which robot he is, you're wrong. He always just shrugs and says, "The futuristic one." That's both of them! That's like asking your son which member of Kiss he is, and him saying, "The one with the makeup!"

Though with Kiss it's easier, because you can still see their faces and hair.

That was a bad example.

I'm terrible at giving examples, just like I'm terrible at being a father. A good father would do anything it took to find out his son's robotic musical persona. A good father would successfully break into Daft Punk's green room before a concert to catch his son putting on one of the robot helmets, instead of getting arrested and banned from Madison Square Garden for life, even for the Westminster Dog Show.

A good father would know which Daft Punk robot his son was. If anyone can help me figure it out, I'd be eternally grateful. Until then, my son's true identity remains a mystery to me.

Also, I'm selling one ticket to the Westminster Dog Show. All reasonable offers accepted.