Dating is a minefield as it is (so many bullshitters and a-holes to dodge, FFS), but what specific dating insecurities do lesbian, bi, pan, trans and gender non-conforming people have to deal with?

Here, 12 queer women share their biggest dating insecurities. Be prepared to feel so seen.

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1."That my identity isn't valid"

"Probably the fact that though I’m bisexual the most I’ve ever done is kiss a girl. I feel like I won’t be considered valid or ‘real’ enough, especially when I’m with a guy." [via]

2."That I'm not queer enough"

"I feel insecure because I find that generally women in dating tend to have higher standards and are a lot more selective than men are. It's way easier to get first dates with men than it is with women, whether you're a queer man or a straight/bi woman. I've also never had sex with a cis woman, so I'm a bit nervous and sometimes wonder if people will think I'm not really 'queer enough' (even though I know that's silly)." [via]



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3."I have the most terrible radar"

"Let's start with the fact I have the most terrible radar and I never know when a girl is bi or lesbian. And I'm really not all into the community [and don't] see my sexuality as a big identity thing. So every girl faintly cute is often straight, and I just scratch my head because I don't see the difference between sexualities unless they are flauntingly obvious." [via]



4."I'm trans and non-passing"

"I’m super monogamous, trans, non-passing, and haven’t had [gender confirmation surgery]. Basically any woman I’ve met who is attracted to other women and would be OK with my body, doesn’t want a monogamous relationship, and the monogamous ones don’t want to date non-op trans women.

"It’s pretty fucking hopeless for me"

"And beyond that, bi and pan folk excluded, anyone who is attracted to me now, would be turned off because I’m transitioning. And anyone who is solely attracted to women, would be turned off because I look like a man. It’s pretty fucking hopeless for me." [via]

5."I'm not part of the tightly-knit queer community"

"It feels like most women dating women are part of some tightly-knit queer community and have tons of friends and just generally give off this really 'cool' vibe. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it's intimidating. I don't have a lot of friends in general, and even fewer who are LGBTQ+. Oh, and the prejudice against bisexual women. That really sucks. There’s a lot of bi-erasure in the media and society. A lot of people still say bisexuality is a phase, that we’re hyper sexual and will definitely cheat. And some lesbians will straight up not go near a bi girl for fear that a dick has been inside her (because that makes her worth less as a person somehow?) It’s a bunch of bullshit and it needs to go away." [via]

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6."With women I'm more physically insecure"

"I tend to get way more physically insecure. My first girlfriend was incredibly beautiful and I destroyed the relationship by not feeling good enough. With men it's whatever, with women it's like, 'Holy shit they're so beautiful how are they even real let alone interested in me?!' I have no idea how your average dude copes with feeling uglier than his girlfriend... I guess it comes down to socialisation." [via]



7."The prejudice from other groups"

"As a bi woman god forbid I date a guy and all of a sudden I'm a liar and a cheat because I'm 'straight' and don't want to admit it. But god forbid I date a woman and all of a sudden I'm a liar and a cheat because I'm 'gay' and don't want to admit it. So basically prejudice against bi women from other sexual orientation groups. Dating is hard!" [via]

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8."I'm not as interesting as most queer people"

"My biggest insecurity is that I'm boring and not fun or interesting enough as a girlfriend. I don't have a host of hobbies, artistic skills or brainy interests like a lot of queers seem to. I judge myself against this imaginary standard of 'interestingness' that doesn't exist." [via]



9."Men are more forgiving"

"My appearance, specifically my body. I know this is not true and coming from a place of insecurity but I feel like men are more forgiving.

"Why would they settle for less?"

"Whereas a woman I find beautiful would not be interested in me or would reject me because they have that experience of their own body. Why would they settle for less?" [via]



10."Not being part of the wolf pack of cool-girl lesbians"

"I'm a lesbian in a long-term committed relationship. When I was younger and dating, my biggest insecurity was lack of experience. Now, it's probably not feeling as 'cool' as the sort of wolf pack cool girl lesbians who go out and do cool lesbian stuff. My SO and I are homebodies for the most part, and the most exciting thing in my life on any given day is my latest knitting project, so you know." [via]



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11."I'm not that experienced"

"My body and my sexual experience. I'm not a person that has casual sex, so I'm not super experienced especially given my age (I'm in my 30s). I've heard that can be a turnoff." [via]



12."That I now have to change my lifestyle"

"That my entire lifestyle now has to change to match a certain expectation because I happen to be dating someone of the same sex. Sure, I like dating guys and girls. I don't care if it is supposedly going against the 'community'." [via]

Paisley Gilmour Sex & Relationships Editor Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ. She definitely reveals too much about her personal life on the Internet.

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