50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes This week marked 20 years since the sad death of Dermot Morgan – beloved to millions of comedy fans as […]

This week marked 20 years since the sad death of Dermot Morgan – beloved to millions of comedy fans as Father Ted. And two years since the passing of Frank Kelly, renowned for his turn as Father Jack.

The sitcom – about three Catholic priests and their housekeeper, marooned off the west coast of Ireland – remains as delirously funny as it was in the 90s.

In tribute to Morgan, Kelly and the show as a whole, here are 50 of the funniest lines:

Ted (Demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal): “OK, one last time. These are small… but the ones out there (points towards the window) are far away. Small… far away… ah forget it!” i's TV newsletter: what you should watch next Email address is invalid Email address is invalid Thank you for subscribing! Sorry, there was a problem with your subscription. Ted: “Old women are closer to God than we’ll ever be. They get to that age and they don’t need the operator anymore. They’ve got the direct line.” Ted: “Down with this sort of thing!”

Dougal: “Careful now!” Sergeant Deegan: “God, this reminds me of Vietnam.”

Ted: “Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?”

Sergeant Deegan: “Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.” Mrs Doyle: “It doesn’t matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Didn’t our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world?” Ted: “Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!”

Father Dougal: “Oh, no thanks Ted, I’ve got these crisps here.” Dougal: “That’s nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!”

Ted: “No Dougal, that wasn’t mad. That’s when our Lord got a few bits of food together and made lots of food, and everyone had dinner.”

Father Purcell (the most boring priest in the world): “This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said, ‘don’t ever…’ no, wait, it was, ‘always…’ no er, ‘never, never’ – oh wait now, I’ve forgotten.”

Ted: “Dougal, do we have any incense?”

Dougal: “There was… a spider in the bath the other night.”

Mrs Doyle: “Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea?”

Father Jack: “FECK OFF CUP!”

Ted: “So you took Father Jack out for a walk… and you lost him. Again.”

Dougal: “Well, Ted, like I said the last time: ‘it won’t happen again’. What’s the worst that could happen to him anyway?”

Ted: “Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.”

Dougal: “Oh right, yes.”

Ted: “That’s the great thing about Catholicism. It’s so vague and no one really knows what it’s about.”

Dougal: “God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.”

Ted: “No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.”

Ted: “Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices Dougal?”

Dougal: “Oh just six, I don’t think I could eat eight.”

Colm: “I hear you’re a racist now, Father?”

Dougal: “Ted, could you pass me my record collection?”

Ted: “Okay, here it is (passes over a single record). Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.” Dougal: “I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I’m going to turn into a big giant egg.”

Ted: “I think that process has already begun.” Dougal: “I’ve got Eurosong fever, Ted.”

Ted: “Yeah?”

Dougal: “Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can’t wait. What time is it now?”

Father Ted: “Half past one.”

Dougal: “Half one?! And the competition is on in…”

Father Ted: “May.” Mrs Doyle (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage): “They were a bit obsessed with the old… S-E-X. God, I’m glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty, filthy thing, isn’t it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh, get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?” Father Jack (After sobering up, pointing at various items in the room): “Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobsh*te!” Ted: “He’s not a very nice man, is he?”

Dougal: “God, Ted I’ve never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.”

Ted: “Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn’t find Hitler playing jungle music at three o’clock in the morning.” Ted: “Oh God, we’re in the lingerie section, Dougal. We’re in Lingerie!”

Dougal: “Where’s the problem there, Ted?” Mrs Doyle: “Oh she writes such filth, Father. It’s always ‘Feck this’ and ‘Feck that’ – and sometimes she even uses the F-word!” Dougal (On a recent the baby competition): “I thought the standard this year was rubbish.”

Ted: “It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn’t be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.”

Dougal: “Exactly Ted, if people aren’t even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean…”

Mr. Fox: “Milk gets sour y’know. Unless it’s UHT milk, but there’s no demand for that because it’s shite.”

Mrs Doyle: “Won’t you have some cake, Father? It’s got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it’s not cocaine, is it? What do I mean now? The little things… raisins!”

Ted (trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string): “Wha… what’s going on!?”

Mrs Doyle: “Father Hackett’s got very fond of that brick. It’s a great old pet for him! He doesn’t have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!”

Father Jack: “I love my brick!”

Ted: “There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!”

Ted: “Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks?”

Dougal: “You’re right, Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike – I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while… it just wasn’t enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills… But I could give it up! Any time I wanted!”

Ted: “You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn’t.”

Dougal (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted’s crotch): “You’re right, Ted, I admit I’ve got a problem…”

Ted: “Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, ‘collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'”

Ted: “I think it might work, Dougal. I know it’ll work. It will work.”

Dougal: “It won’t work, will it Ted?”

Ted: “It won’t, no.”

Dougal: “There’s nothing stupid about football! And there’s nothing at all stupid about the annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island!”

Dougal: “Didn’t you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?”

Ted: “No… no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.”

Dougal: Knock, knock!

Ted: Who’s there?

Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.

Ted: Good night Dougal!

Ted: “Dougal, I don’t want you to be physio this year. I want you to… look after the corner flags.”

Dougal: “Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.”

Ted: “I’m not a fascist. I’m a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests…” Ted: “I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see… I’m going to kick him up the arse.” Dougal: “Watch this, Ted (rubs letters off a blackboard). You see? You can rub off the letters.”

Ted: “But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.”

Dougal: “What?!” Ted: “Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?”

Dougal: “Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack’s underpants hamper.” Dougal: “We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shotgun. How’d he manage to survive that?”

Ted: “He didn’t, Dougal… he died.”

Dougal: “Oh right.” Dougal (opening an advent calendar): “Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It’s the one thing I didn’t expect.” Dougal: “I’m no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I’d say there’s about seventeen million of them out there.” Ted: “Sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where it’s colder, and they won’t be so stuffy.”

Dougal: “Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?”

Ted: “Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn’t mind, but it wasn’t even a scary film.”

Dougal: “Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn’t scary, I don’t know what is.”

Mrs Doyle: “You’ll have some tea… are you sure you don’t want any? Aw go on, you’ll have some. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on GO ON!”

Dougal: “A one-word film. There can’t be too many of those. Salem’s Lot?”

Ted: “What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.”

Dougal: “A shower of B**tards.”

Dougal: “What’s going on?”

Priest: “I think Ted has a plan.”

Dougal: “No. I mean in general.”

Tour Guide: “Now, this rock here is actually granite.”

Ted: “How long would that have been there?”

Tour Guide: “Oh, many, many millions of years.”

Ted: “Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.”

Dougal: “How come all the rocks are different sizes?”

Tour Guide: “Well… you know, rocks are generally different sizes.”

Dougal: “Wow! I’m finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.”

And finally… the lyrics to ‘My Lovely Horse’:

“My Lovely Horse,

Running through the field,

Where are you going,

With your fetlocks blowing,

In the wind. “I want to shower you with sugar lumps,

And ride you over fences,

I want to polish your hooves every single day,

And bring you to the horse dentist. “My lovely horse,

You’re a pony no more,

Running around,

With a man on your back,

Like a train in the night,

Like a train in the night!”

• Have your say on the latest TV with Screen Babble, the television discussion group on Facebook.