CAMDEN, NJ—In a move that has left grocery store shelves empty across North America, an increasingly paranoid Campbell’s Soup Company has begun stockpiling the entire production of its eponymous canned soup in preparation for the total catastrophic collapse of civilization. “The end is nigh, and the only way to safeguard ourselves from the approaching famine is to hoard as much cream of mushroom soup as we can,” read a press release from interim CEO Keith McLoughlin in part, which also went into detail about the likelihood of tomato soup becoming the lifeblood of post-apocalyptic society after 95 percent of the population perishes in the scourge. “We have barricaded the doors to the warehouse and set armed guards so the swarming, starving masses won’t be able to steal our precious gumbos, bisques, and stews. He who controls the soup controls the future.” At press time, Campbell’s elders had commanded a band of mohawked, flamethrower-brandishing marauders to mount their diesel-belching dune buggies and take control of a Progresso refinery.

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