I was asked recently by a 28 year old overweight Trump hating single mother how it is that I got to be in my late 40s without ever getting married.

“A couple of good decisions and a lot of dodged bullets.”

“Seriously, nobody wanted you? It’s weird that you’re that old and have never been in a serious relationship.”

“Okay, the flip answer here is ‘I prefer fun relationships over serious ones.’ but if you want the honest answer, here it is.

When I was young I wanted a relationship. I wanted one desperately. I believed in love and I wanted to experience it. I wanted to find a beautiful young woman who I could protect and provide for who would love and appreciate me in return. I imagined we’d spend a few years getting to really know each other, travel the world together, have wonderful experiences, start a business, buy a home, settle down, start a family and grow old together. I wanted this more than anything in the world.

The problem was none of the girls I ever met wanted that. Oh, they all wanted me to promise I wouldn’t look at other girls, but half of them really just wanted to pin me down so that they could wear sweat pants and sit on the couch and get fat while the other half wanted me to commit to them so they could have my stuff while they f~~~ed other guys behind my back.

Nobody wanted what I wanted… to be an equal partner in a powerful, dynamic and meaning-filled relationship.”

“Uh…”

“So I went and did all those things on my own. I brought a girl along for this part or that for a few months or even a year or two along the way, but none of them could keep up so I had to let them go.

And now that I’ve achieved all those things, oh yes I have women wanting to settle down with me. But I don’t want that any more… and I certainly don’t want them. Now that I’ve put in all the effort, there’s nothing left for them to do but enjoy the benefits. Now if I want to take a two week trip overseas, I’ll just meet a girl when I get to Iceland or Tokyo or wherever and spend as much or as little time and energy with her as feel like. And I don’t have to pay her airfare, drag her around the countryside, buy her meals, listen to her complain or put up with her treating me like she’s doing ME a favor by just being there.”

“I see.”

“Bottom line: When I didn’t have anything to offer to attractive young women like you used to be, none of you wanted me. Now that I’ve spent my life achieving what we were supposed to build together while you f~~~ed around and had fun, suddenly you’re interested in what I’ve got. But instead of humbly asking if you can have some of what I’ve built… being appreciative that I’m even willing to talk to you… you’re going to shame ME for being single?

Believe me, I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone then pile up everything I own and burn it to ash than let someone like you ever get a hand on it.”

Why men aren’t getting married indeed. Maybe they should do a special on the question “Why WOULD any man EVER get married?”