BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirmed. “Oh, please no, not another one of these,” Neel reportedly said to himself upon hearing his mother begin telling yet another tale about shepherds, adding that he’s listened to the account of that little shit Zacchaeus probably a hundred fucking times now and that he just wants to hear a regular goddamn bedtime story with a talking frog or a modern kid who maybe has some sort of magical adventure, even if it’s Amelia fucking Bedelia. “Dammit! It’s the same freaking thing every time: Someone gets into some trouble, but then he has faith in God and everything turns out okay. Christ, I’m just going to pretend to fall asleep to get this damn thing over with.” Neel added that he would likely be able to enjoy the Bible stories much more if his parents would just read him some of the awesome gory shit.

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