You held out for a long time, and I’m proud of you for trying to maintain your image as an O.G. dirtbag, but sustaining a life as a real, outdoor rock climber these days is pretty much impossible. Plastic is in. Granite is out. And no, you can’t just be a boulderer.

The road ahead isn’t going to be easy. You have a lot to learn. But don’t fret, I’m here to help.

I, too, used to stay up late drinking bourbon by the campfire, silently judging the braggy college trip leader across the flames. And I, too, awoke from my dreamy vagabond climber fairytale to find myself in a foreign, climate-controlled land of brightly colored climbing holds shaped like baby faces and amoebas, alone and afraid. But I persevered, and I can finally say that I’m a real gym climber now.

Follow a few simple steps, and, you too, will soon feel at home climbing plastic listening to “More Is Than Isn’t” from RJD2.