Sara: Like every story, Godzilla teaches us a moral. The moral of every Godzilla story is that people just need to leave Godzilla the hell alone.

Clare: ABSOLUTE TRUTH. Godzilla’s not a bad guy or a bad guy; he just wants to relax at home in his underwater valley but HUMANITY CONTINUES TO SUCK. It’s just so relatable.

Sara: The humans killed his wife and baby by nuking the world, so taking a sharp vengeance upon us is pretty understandable. As an Aries, our guy has the ability to act, and, as an Aries, maybe sometimes takes his anger out on the wrong planet. In short, Japan probably didn’t deserve all that. Don’t you know that vengeance just creates a world of victims?

Clare: What I find fascinating about Godzilla is that he’s not really a villain. He’s just a giant lizard who just wants to be left alone in his ocean valley and freaks out when people come to bug him when he’s trying to relax at home. Which... same. All I ever want to do is get back to my own swamp and play Nintendo. But at the same time, he doesn’t really… hate all humanity enough to try and exterminate them.

Sara: Godzilla’s like, “I think you’re really tiny and I don’t know that much about you, but you have giant bombs and now my peaceful ocean habitat is toast and I’m covered in radiation burns, so in my heart, killing you with fire is for the best.” Some scientists are like, “Wow, excellent point,” and some scientists are like, “Let’s nuke him again.”

Clare: Godzilla’s the kid in the group project who’s like, whatever, I’ll do all the work, I know y’all won’t do it. And then all the other kids are like “way to be a condescending a-hole, Godzilla,” but Godzilla’s like “WELL MAYBE I’M AN APPROPRIATELY CONDESCENDING A-HOLE DID YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT KEVIN?”

Sara: I HAVE TO GO BE MAD FOR AWHILE.

Clare: Honestly, every Godzilla movie features Godzilla processing his feelings in a very healthy way. He just wants his feelings to be validated and appeased and then he’s pretty much good.

Sara: He’s the King of Monsters because he did the whole group project. Godzilla’s busy.

Clare: GODZILLA HAS SUCH A TO DO LIST!!!

Sara: Destroy humanity, check.