SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual seduction training. “I know sexual seduction is an important issue, but I hate having to reschedule client meetings just so I can hear some lawyer drone on about the proper technique for showering a team member with flowers and gifts before sweeping her off her feet,” said graphics designer Tim Buckwell, echoing the sentiments of numerous coworkers who expressed frustration at being forced to sit through a lengthy Powerpoint presentation and Q&A session detailing the correct process for passionately wooing colleagues in and outside of the workplace. “I remember during the last one of these, they spent over half an hour just covering when it is and isn’t erotic to gently caress a subordinate’s neck while whispering sweet nothings into their ear. Honestly, a lot of this stuff is just basic common sense.” At press time, several employees were reportedly excited to implement their new seduction tools such as flirtatious glances, pickup lines, and physical contact to entice a susceptible victim.

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