I am currently sitting on a camping chair in the vast Welsh splendour of the Brecon Beacons. It’s approximately three days before the latest edition of Green Man begins and I’m waving my phone around trying to send this text to my fellow editor using what little signal is available to me out here in the wilderness.

All of this just so I can get these handy tips direct to your faces before you leave your filthy cities behind for a long weekend of quality music, great food and delicious beer.

Sure I can go on about all the excellent bands (Wild Beasts, Warpaint, Ezra Furman), comedy (John Shuttleworth) and cinema (Metropolis, High Rise) happening over the weekend, but you’ve probably already researched them. Instead here are some very handy practical tips for making the most of your time here…

1) You’ll be relieved to hear that there are toilets before the ticket exchange. No hedge peeing after your long journey.

2) There’s a Waitrose in Abergavenny (15mins) and a Morrisons in Brecon (20 mins). No bottled beer is allowed into the campsite, but both the above supermarkets do a similar range of ale in cans. Badger’s Tangle Foot in Waitrose is probably best. Or hey, there’s always San Miguel in cans.

3) There are 99 ales and ciders available at the festival. Green Man may be the beeriest of festivals ever.

4) Continuing the beer theme… The Beacon Brewery in Brecon will sell you a Polypin (18 pints for £25 or 36 pints for £50). Order in advance.

5) Hire a trolley to cart your shit from the car park to the campsite. It costs £5 for half an hour but you have to put £50 cash deposit down. It’s worth it.

6) It gets very cold at night. Pack warm clothes or shiver.

7) Crickhowell is a 30 minute walk for pubs, a small shop and an Indian restaurant. It’s a very pretty walk along the River Usk.

8) There are such things as light up tent pegs. They are clever. Like you. No more drunken people tripping over your guy ropes.

9) Wasps rule this place. Invent traps or distractions in the form of cider, cola, sweet drinks. I also saw a Hornet. It was massive. For that guy you might need a flame thrower.

10) I know it sounds insultingly obvious but… Please don’t forget your tickets. It’s a long, angry drive back. The box office staff may be able to get you in with photo ID and bribes, but just don’t risk it.

11) Go to Clashfinder General to find out all your heartbreaking clashes over the course of the weekend in advance and print them off.

12) Head to the Talking Shop Literature Stage and take part in the Pop Quiz. It’s devised by the nicest men in music journalism, Pete Paphides and Bob Stanley.

It’s stunningly beautiful here. The weather will be massively changeable but the scenery is amazing and the atmosphere has an air of excited anticipation. We can’t wait to get started.

For practical guides to other music events across the UK, check out our festival section including a handy guide to Standon Calling.