DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—Declaring that “my time has come,” the former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum announced today that he was officially launching his 2020 campaign for President.

“Washington is broken, and I’ve got some fresh new ideas about how to fix it,” Santorum told a small clutch of supporters and whatever family members were available, at an intimate rally in Des Moines. “Once the people of this great nation hear those ideas, there’s no stopping me.”

“I’m in it to win it!” he exclaimed, to some clapping.

Launching his campaign in Iowa, where the next Presidential caucuses will not be held for another forty-eight months, Santorum brushed aside suggestions that he was entering the race too early. “You’ll have to take that up with Jesus Christ,” he said. “He’s the guy who told me to do this.”

Reaction to the announcement was muted, with some saying that Santorum should continue running for President if it makes him happy.