Looking to do something for itself for once, the North American League of Legends Server said goodbye to its former life in Portland, Oregon, leaving behind the friends, community, and environment that had been weighing it down for so long. The server hopes the new environment will allow it to “find” itself, reinvent its image, and deliver a better experience to millions of users across central and eastern North America while maintaining acceptable latency among West Coast players.

“I want to make something of myself, and … I mean, Portland is a great place, but there’s something about that city that holds you down in the past, that makes you provide subpar connections to millions of North Americans across the continent,” the server said, toting a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and a cute beret. “I just want to get up one morning and not have to deal with my .EXEs.”

“I’m moving on to better things,” it added, motioning to a laid-back, long-haired Hispanic man who it describes as “just a friend, for now.”

While the move has had a dramatic and positive effect on the server itself, North American League of Legends players have been increasingly aloof and sullen since its departure. The change has forced many players, who could previously blame their terrible gameplay on “unacceptable” three-digit ping, to lash out at teammates instead.

“Before, it was obvious that the reason that I couldn’t reach Diamond, despite years of reading /r/leagueoflegends, was my inability to play at near-zero ping,” said /u/pavlovselohell, unaware that numerous League of Legends professional players were scouted while they played in excess of 200 ping. “Now it looks like I’ve been lag-zoned again. Nice players like me just can’t catch a break.”

Despite the backlash, the server maintains that it has been the largest victim in this controversy, and is working on an artistic project about the brutality of ‘ping shaming’.

With the server’s absence, LCS players across the West Coast have begun to realize that the server was the only thing keeping their lives from falling apart, and they had never really appreciated it until it was too late. In response, all of the LCS teams were piling into one Honda Civic, hoping to take the road trip of a lifetime across the country to find the new server in Chicago and give it the one gesture of true love it always needed, but never knew it wanted.

At press time, the server was surrounded by chocolate wrappers and was watching Love, Actually for the fourth time, realizing the only thing it couldn’t move away from… was itself.





