How Parents Can Learn and Apply Lessons to Raising Younger Children

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As a parent, it isn’t’ always easy learning the ropes of parenthood. It seems the first child often gets the short end of the stick in some ways. In other ways they gain a closeness with parents because they are learning together. My oldest son is now 25 and he is a new parent. When I look at him, I’m so very proud of how far he’s come, yet I’ve seen areas where he struggled in life and wonder if I could have done things differently. Like most parents I question the path I took in the journey of parenthood and wonder what I needed to know that would have made it better. This is not to say I feel I was a bad parent but being an experienced one vs a new one sure does make a world of difference.

With my two younger children who are still at home , I see a great difference in the way I parent. There isn’t always as much urgency with things as there was with the oldest. Some of the things that I deemed absolutely important don’t have the same weight anymore. They get to benefit from I learned to do and what I’ve learned not to do. Of course there’s no one size fits all parent manual, but I’m sure a lot of us wish there was. So instead, I’d like to offer some thoughts on things that we as parents could do a little more of and help our kids reap the benefits:

Time vs cleanliness. Growing up in a VERY neat home I was such a stickler about everything being spotless or in the right place. I learned that while I was worrying about things being in the right place and spent time cleaning up over and over, I lost precious time I could have been in the right SPACE spending time with my son that I’d never get back.

The meaning of a hug. We all know kids need hugs. I am an affectionate person by nature. I realized though that some kids need wayyyy more hugs than others. During those times when my son needed my affection I wish I had probed more to see what feelings those hugs helped him with as he aged. It’s important to know what your children’s body language means. You could be missing a lot signs simply because they are spoken through a hug.

Bonding through cooking. Right now I do a weekly column called Dads Cookin’ with Kids. The purpose is to give dads a fun but intimate way of bonding with children without having to break the bank going out as they choose quality over quantity. Society has always used food as a means of bonding as we gather at events so it is natural to us. I wish I’d spent more time in the kitchen with my oldest son. Many times as parents we become impatient with kids if they don’t do things the way we do because we are always rushing to meet some deadline or go someplace. Through cooking you get to see the real personality of your kids and relish in the excitement they have as they create things. This is a huge confidence builder.

It’s not rocket science. As you age, you begin to learn to focus on the things that really matter. Small infractions simply aren’t a big deal and you learn to appreciate the milestones more. While I was learning to be a mom I was busy. I wish I’d taken more time to appreciate the mistakes I made and laugh at them instead of allowing them serve as defining moments that really didn’t define anything other than my ability to learn as I went along.

Older people REALLY do know more. Man oh man, I remember my mom and grandmother telling me what seems to be like a million things I did or didn’t need to do. I remember my grandmother saying when you are on the telephone children need to go to another room so “grown folks” can talk. I thought that was mean and it wasn’t like I was bashing anyone in front of my son. One time I remember my son being afraid of someone taking him and I couldn’t figure out where that fear came from. It seems he had been listening to me reflecting on the telephone about when all those kids were taken in Atlanta back in the late 70’s and early 80’s. It was a brief conversation and we didn’t even live in Atlanta but he remembered that and he held on to that fear for a while.

Coloring is more than a message of fun. You can learn a lot about the way a child colors. Some kids use rich, deeply colored techniques making sure to be brilliant and perfect in their coloring style. Other kids kind of halfway color things while some children prefer cooler or more pastel colors. My younger daughter colors passionately. My sons on the other hand colored well but were more conservative in their approach. Not speaking as a child psychologist or anything but I’ve noticed that many kids I’ve encountered who color vividly are passionate in their ability to express themselves where the others aren’t quite as passionate. This presents a great pathway for conversation with your child. Ask them what the colors represent for them and think about their individual communication style. Does it reflect in their coloring? I wish I would have paid more attention to that with my oldest son so I knew more of what he was feeling as he put color to paper.

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Photo: Tela Chhe/Flickr