A Sticky Stipulation

I couldn’t just quit my existing job, because I was trapped. I worked in the Records and Admissions department at an online university, and a few months earlier I had been taking a graduate-level course that was offered. My tuition was free as one of my employee benefits. I ended up dropping the course. One of the stipulations of taking courses was that you had to stay with the company for a year after your last day of enrollment, or you would be asked to pay back the tuition, which was expensive being that it was a for-profit school. If I just left, it would be with a big ‘ol bill.

I told my kids about my “thin ice” situation, but no one else. I went to a psychologist near my apartment and was evaluated as having severe anxiety and depression, despite being on medication. It wasn’t anything I didn’t know, but I thought it might help me when I went to qualify for unemployment. I brought things home from work gradually while on probation because even though I was trying to stay employed, I knew the odds were stacked against me.

Why Freelancing?

I had always been a writer. I’d written stories and poems from the time I was six years old. It was my solace, and the characters in my stories were often far better friends than any flesh and blood alternative. At the time I was sharing work on a website that relied on ads for revenue and getting piddly sums via gift cards for poems, stories and blog-type articles. The site eventually went under. On that site I learned about content writing options and started doing that as a way to earn more income. It was still pretty scarce, though, especially at first.

When I was released from the old day job, I looked for a “real job” like I was supposed to, but I could not psychologically handle one demeaning interview after another. Not only was I not finding work, but it was diminishing my ability to write. I decided that it was better for me not to put myself through that, and just write. My opportunities were still less than full time, so I was able to supplement with unemployment while I established myself a bit.

Dropping the Other Shoe

By the time I was able to get back on health insurance, my physical and mental health was in a spiral. I’d gone off my thyroid medication because I couldn’t afford to have it monitored. I was off my antidepressants. I’d eaten up my 401K money. My depression and anxiety were off the charts. Since my kids were over 18, they helped financially a bit, but it wasn’t enough. My daughter wanted to go to school in a neighboring state, and it was time for my son to move on too.

I had a 14-year-old cat we had raised from a kitten, that I had to take to the humane society because I was going to move in with my mother, and she would not take her with her other two cats. Since she was behind on her shots, and there was no money to catch up, my only option was to have the humane society put her down, despite only having minor health problems typical of a 14-year-old cat. I felt both devastated and like a horrible person. I had tried to find her a home, but no one responded, not even cat rescues I reached out to. Grieving was futile. Nobody gave a damn.

I went back on thyroid medication and was evaluated not only for depression and anxiety but was diagnosed with ADHD as well. I went on different antidepressants that allowed me to feel better, yet still feel. I started ADHD medication and therapy. It helped, almost immediately. About a month in it was time to move out of the apartment and into my mom’s.

My freelancing work improved, and I even was able to go on vacation. I missed my kids when they were away at school, but I was able to focus on myself for the first time in decades.