This drink, let me start off by saying, if you look at this drink, you’ll know it’s a great drink – the greatest drink, and if it is the – there’s something about mayonnaise, and I remember eating the finest mayonnaise, the best mayonnaise the world has to offer, not the shit that goes onto McDonald’s burgers – I love McDonald’s, by the way, let me just say this, America: McDonald’s is great, American industry, a really great guy.

This drink, to be called the Greatest, I would never put my name on anything but the greatest, the drink, if healthcare were any worse I would sue – I’m going to sue, when my term starts, I’m going to sue that man, Obama, from Kenya, and I know this, you better believe I do, I have great sources, the most reliable sources in the field, so when I say it, believe me, I’ve said it, and it’s true.

Hillary would say this is a terrible drink, deplorable, just like she called you, the American worker, the heart of this society, deplorable – and can you believe that, ladies and gentlemen? The only deplorable thing here is her face, not like this drink at all. You think Hillary could get her name on this drink? Wrong. You’re fired.

So what’s in the drink? The drink has three ingredients, one and then another, and another one after that, an ingredient – the best ingredients, the finest, sourced from American sources, not from China, but after I make a deal with them you can bet – and no one makes a deal better than me, no one, I make deals like I build walls, and I do, I build more walls than Hillary has ever heard of – all mayonnaise will be from China, and Orientals, I mean, they’re hard workers, they are, I won’t pay them a cent. You know how much I pay my Orientals? A cent. Not one. They’ll ship us mayonnaise in boxes, carts with straw hats on them, you name it, they’ll send us the finest, and we won’t pay them a cent. I will never let them take our jobs – never, and not when, you know, especially after, when, he, when Obama, he took our jobs. You know who makes mayonnaise now? Obama. I won’t do that. You bet I won’t do that.

And I know the guy. I know him personally, and he would never drink this, he thinks it’s beneath him, and you know why? You wanna know why, folks? Because it’s American. From America, this great country of ours, not like him, no, and I – you ever heard of it? Wharton School of Finance, I went there, I went there, and I always say it, because these liberals like to spin things – great school, great school, everyone should go – if I had a sack of potatoes right now, right this instant, I’d basically be a Democratic, you could just paint it right there on my face: “Democrat.”

It’s powerful stuff, folks, it’s powerful stuff, ladies and gentlemen, powerful stuff, and this healthcare plan is like nuclear weapons are in Saudi Arabia, we’re just selling them – Hillary gave, gave to China, and I know this, I know it like my wife’s backside – are great negotiators, the Iranians, but you can bet when I’m in that office, I won’t remember – we just, they killed us, you know, gentlemen, that’s the truth of it, no matter what crooked Hillary says, they just killed us, the negotiators, the Iranians, China, military, nuclear.

But this drink is so – and I love this drink, I do, mark my words, Mexico will, certainly, believe me, Mexico will mark my words, and I won’t pay a cent, and neither will you, the American people – if this drink were any prettier, it’d be my daughter, and I’d date her, just you wait, two years, I’d date her, and she would accept, and do you want to know why – do you want to know why, folks?

I’m the best damn negotiator this world has ever seen, my world, your world, don’t even wait – just grab it, grab it – and this drink, this drink will make America great again. I will healthcare like the Democrats have never seen, you can bet I will, the blacks, just wait, wall, if you think educate your now is Putin, when the wall is built, all of them. Tremendous.

The Greatest

A Donald Trump Cocktail

Ingredients for the Donald Trump Cocktail:

2 tbsp. Mayonnaise

1 oz. Viniq

½ oz. Crème de violette

Crushed Cheetos and corn syrup for rimming the glass

How to Put It in Your Mouth

Wet the rim of the glass with corn syrup and saturate it with crushed Cheetos. Shake the remaining ingredients over ice and strain into an inappropriately fancy glass. Feed to this Donald Trump cocktail to Trump supporters on Election Day and hope they’re too incapacitated by violent retching to vote.

Please, don’t enjoy.