How could George Lucas possibly botch the most anticipated film in history? Three words: annoying alien sidekick.

Sci-fi films too often resort to an irritating, cuddly alien for comic relief. True to formula, such creatures don’t have a complete grasp of English — leading to gags where they inevitably say something inappropriate.

Such is the case with Jar Jar Binks, the alien who wears out his welcome after 10 minutes of screen time in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Nearly every computer-generated character in the Lucas epic is saddled with a near-repulsive quality of contrived cuteness.

The film begins right. The peaceful planet of Naboo is engaged in an alleged trade dispute with the Trade Federation that quickly turns ugly as the Federation invades the planet on the secret orders of one Senator Palpatine.

The Queen barely escapes with her two Jedi Knight bodyguards, but when the ship is damaged, they are forced to make a pit stop on Tatooine. There they discover Anakin Skywalker, a young slave who is gifted with machines. After freeing him and discovering that the Imperial Senate will do nothing to help them, they head back to Naboo to take on the invasion force.

Phantom Menace does score in several scenes, including a dizzying podrace — a brutal and deadly galactic version of NASCAR racing, complete with a two-headed announcer, one head doing the play-by-play and the other head doing the color. Young Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), an apparent product of immaculate conception, enters the desert race in a craft that amounts to a bumper car roped to a pair of 747 jet engines. Lucas’ sound engineers do a very nice job with the pods. Skywalker’s alien nemesis Sebulba rides a craft that throbs power as it roars across the screen in the grand tradition of the Millennium Falcon or the TIE fighters from the original Star Wars.

Later in the film, a lightsaber battle between twentysomething Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and the malevolent and horned Darth Maul manages to recapture a little of the Star Wars magic. But tragically, such scenes are few and far between.

Phantom’s lack of awe-inspiring moments contributes to the subpar acting that plagues the film.

Ewan McGregor (of Trainspotting fame) is extraordinary, but almost every other actor — including Natalie Portman, who stiffly plays Queen “Padmé Naberrie” Amidala — should consider enrolling in theater night school. Child actor Jake Lloyd proves a less-than-convincing “chosen one.”

We can hardly expect that Lloyd, an annoying twerp, will be “the one to bring peace and balance to the Force.” Suspension of disbelief only goes so far, and Lucas scraped the bottom of the child-actor barrel. The film’s robot invasion force looks anything but deadly. Slender robots with ridiculous squeaky voices amass, Triumph of the Will-style, in an anticlimactic battle scene — but through most of the film they prove little more than lightsaber fodder.

Lucas has reached the point where people believe that anything he puts on screen is gold. He needs someone trusted — and brave — enough to take him aside and say, “Stupid idea, George.” The Phantom Menace publicity forces are crowing that almost every frame in Phantom has been digitally altered in some way. Big deal. All the special effects in the world would not have made up for the inane plot and forced acting. It is nice to see that the original movie with its meager special effects, and next to no digitally altered frames, has yet to be outdone by the latest and greatest in computer imagery.

Writing, acting and plot will still make or break a film — even if we’ve been waiting for 16 years to see it.

Bring on Austin Powers.