Finally, after deep research, analysts have found fatal flaws in the Gujarat model. Performance of Gujaratis has been abysmal in beauty pageants and sports events in the last decade. This proves that the Gujarat model is not suitable for the rest of the country.

Economists from the International Institute of Gujarat Analysis have come up with a comprehensive analysis of the drawbacks in the Gujarat model. Consider the Femina Miss India beauty pageant. This is supposed to compare the models from different states. In this, we find that no one from Gujarat has ever won the pageant in its existence! Even though Modi has been making tall claims, things have not changed in the last decade. In contrast, models from Maharashtra and Delhi have done very well and won the Miss India title multiple times. You need to just look at who has been ruling these states in the last ten years! This is significant because Modi is supposed to have said that girls suffer from malnutrition in Gujarat as they are figure conscious.

The Gujarat Institute chief, Palaniyappan Karthi, said, “Either you have nutrition. Or you have figure conscious people, winning Miss India. If neither is happening, then does the model not fail? So we can conclusively say that Gujarat model does not produce successful models.”

“Failure to win Miss India contests also means Gujarat scores below the national average when it comes to producing Bollywood belles. Even Bihar, which under the Nitish regime saw the blossoming of Sonakshi Sinha, scores better. Karnataka under congress rule has seen Deepika Padukone break into the top three. What can Gujarat boast of? Ameesha Patel? I rest my case,” Karthi added. The last Gujju Bollywood bombshell was Dimple Kapadia and Gujarat was under Congress rule then.

In a major blow, the study found that the participation of Gujaratis in sports is also abysmal. As of now, they do not even have an IPL team. While Gujarat has three teams in the Ranji trophy (Gujarat, Baroda and Saurashtra,) their performance has been mixed. The Gujarat Cricket Association, headed by Narendra Modi, has not won anything of note. Interestingly, Baroda did win the Ranji trophy the year Modi became CM. They lost in the finals next year and since then won nothing. Baroda’s only contribution to the national team is Ambati Rayudu, as Telugu as they come.

The experts also pointed out the strange maladies suffered by players from Baroda. He said, “Look at Irfan Pathan. For eight months in an year, he gets injured. But every year, he becomes alright in February, plays a few tournaments and IPL and then promptly picks up an injury and skips all other tournaments. Does this not constitute a flaw in the model? Or his half-brother Yusuf Pathan. Poor guy has been playing the same two shots for the last ten years. His IPL price has dropped from the crores to lakhs. If the Gujarat model is any good, should he not have become a world beater by now?”

What about Cheteshwar Pujara and Sir Ravindra Jadeja, two pillars of the Indian team? But the expert Lakshmanchandra Guha noted that they are from Junagadh region which has produced champion cricketers from time immemorial. Even Hanif Mohammed came from there. So, there is little that Modi has been able to add to a historical advantage, whereas Ranchi has produced three India players in the last ten years. That is what we call as model improvement!

“Or you look at Karnataka cricket team. They won nothing in the last five years. But this year, they won three major trophies including Irani cup beating a rest of India team. Do you realize how a regime change has revitalized their team? That is how a model should deliver,” said Guha, who has already written 100 articles on the one Ranji match he watched in 1974.

The institute seemed to have reams of such information relating to cricket, football, tennis, Bollywood, kabaddi and other fields you cannot even imagine. Our expert said, “This is what we decided. One can keep talking of industrial growth, agriculture, power availability and so on. But people can only understand cricket, Bollywood and spend their team looking up these. Why not give them what they want? We plan to release this study tomorrow.”

Times Now is highlighting the story as “No models in Gujarat model.” NDTV is thinking of bringing back that old favorite, “In a major blow to…”

(Check out Unreal Elections, a satirical take on 2014 elections, published by Penguin)