WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress. “After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of interest in a proposal that’s been circulating to sit back and do jack shit until the next entirely preventable massacre goes down on U.S. soil,” sources said of the legislators’ plan to twiddle their thumbs while the next unhinged lunatic effortlessly purchases an AR-15 before firing it indiscriminately in what could be either a crowded mall, a movie theater, an airport, or even another school. “As soon as the Parkland shooting happened, party leaders banded together, declared ‘Enough is enough,’ and immediately began formulating a way to talk out of their asses via their social media accounts while doing nothing to create, strengthen, or better enforce basic gun laws. This measure to squander their unique opportunity to pass legislation that puts an end to the maddening cycle of gun violence is very popular right now, and will likely continue to be championed until the next group of innocent men, women, and children are brutally slaughtered.” Sources added that the plan has a high chance of surviving, as it has the full support of the NRA.

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