WASHINGTON—Citing the permanent damage that can result from even one second of unfiltered exposure to their ghastly visages, the American Astronomical Society cautioned Americans on Monday not to look directly at the screaming spirits of the damned during the solar eclipse. “We’d like to remind folks to practice safety when the specters doomed to eternal torment emerge, otherwise it’s quite possible their own souls will be dragged to the inferno from whence those accursed beings came,” said AAS spokesperson Rebecca Harvey, adding that anyone planning on viewing the celestial phenomenon use special eclipse glasses, a pinhole camera, or an evil-repelling ring of salt to help protect them from the multitude of wraiths that will pour forth from the portal to the netherworld. “Those witnessing this spectacular cosmic event would also be wise to plug their ears, as the shrieking from these spirits can cause hearing loss or hair to turn permanently white. The eclipse is exciting for all of us, but we want to make sure that everyone can enjoy it without the archfiend binding their soul.” At press time, thousands of Americans who attempted unprotected glimpses at the eclipse suddenly found themselves suspended from hooks in the lowest plane of hell.

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