People seem to think the Old Testament is pretty damn puritanical when it comes to sex. It’s probably because of that long list of restrictions that are often repeated in several Old Testament books, like Exodus, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy — the sheer number of rules and their extreme consequences get people to think the Old Testament law is really puritanical when it comes to sex.

And some of the punishments are ridiculous and offensive. Homosexual acts you commit with another man? Whatever homophobe wrote the Old Testament said that deserved stoning. If a married woman decided to have a little sex outside of her marriage with a man (even if the man she had sex with was unmarried and unengaged), both her and the man were stoned to death. Pretty goddamn extreme. Bestiality? Stoned to death. Sex with your daughter-in-law? No prison time or fine. You did get stoned to death, though. Sex with your mother or stepmother? Stoned to death. Sex with your brother or sister? Stoned to death. Raping an engaged woman? Stoned to death.

Pretty strong consequences? Yes. Capital punishment for sex acts seems pretty severe.

But comprehensive? Hardly.

There are three serious loopholes in the Old Testament rules. They clearly show that the Bible is not puritanical when it comes to sex acts. Just…really misogynistic. More proof (as if you needed it) that the Bible was written by a man.

1. There is nothing anywhere in the Old Testament that says a married man can’t have sex with as many unmarried, unbetrothed women he wants. Not a single verse. If a married woman has sex with another man, married or unmarried, both of them get stoned to death. But if a married man wants to have sex with a woman who is not claimed by another man through marriage or engagement …. the law is absolutely silent on the matter. He can just do it without suffering so much as a fine. And marry her, if he likes (as there’s no limit to how many woman a man can marry — but since a woman can only have sex with her one husband without getting stoned, there is a limit to how many men a woman can marry).

2. The Old Testament doesn’t say one word about lesbian sex. Nothing, zero, notta. If gay men have sex, both of them get stoned; I suppose God thought it might mess up their manhood somehow or, like the average conservative male, was homophobic concerning gay male sex but thought female-on-female sex was hot. But lesbians? Nothing at all.

It almost seems as if the writer of Old Testament law was a misogynistic, homophobic asshole. Talk about a double standard. I mean, these are the kind of laws you would expect from someone who only respected woman insofar as they were claimed by men, and who thought gay male sex was gross but lesbian sex was awesome. In other words, this seems like the codified musings of a drunk college sophomore at a frat party, not the wisdom of an Almighty God.

And then there’s one thing that’s just plain disturbing. There’s no minimum marriage age. None. Because women had no autonomy — their worth was basically dictated by the men placed in charge of them.

And what if, say, a fifty year old man raped a seven year old girl? That’s terrible, horrible. I mean, if gay male sex gets the death penalty, shouldn’t this? “No,” the misogynistic asshole “dictating” to Moses writes. All the rapist has to do is talk to Dad, pay three times the bride-price, and marry her.

Now, I’ve talked this over with Christians before, and they usually say one of two things. One is that marriage and praying the bride price and is justice for rape, no matter how horrific. Justice for rape is paying to marry the person you raped? Wat? Do we really want to debate that that’s a load of bull? Let’s not; it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me depressed for extended periods of time about the state of humanity here in the Bible Belt of Texas.

The other is for them to say “But it was the culture of the time, you understand. The women would have been happy to marry their rapists.” I’m sorry. After meeting women who have been raped, I think I’m on pretty safe ground in expressing my doubt that women who are raped want to marry their rapists. Especially when the age disparity is so wide. I could say more on that, but I shouldn’t have to, so I won’t.

As bad as that is, it’s nothing compared to the third loophole.

3. There is nothing saying that you can’t rape an unengaged virgin and marry her, no matter how old she is — and if you killed her father in battle, you could do it for free. I know that’s terrible — what makes it more disturbing is that it’s true. If you kill the father in battle, there’s no one to pay a bride price to, and no father to talk to. She’s not “owned” by a male, so if you rape her…that’s it. No stoning. No fine. No punishment of any kind. In fact, you may be able to live off the plunder you got from her dead parents in addition to having sex with her to your heart’s content, whether she felt like it or not.

It’s absolutely horrifying. Surely this kind of thing would not be remotely allowed in the Old Testament? There wouldn’t be an example of this scenario being set up, would there? It’s just a made up hypothetical by a bitter atheist…

I wish that were true…but then there’s Numbers 31 (From The Message):

7-12 They attacked Midian, just as God had commanded Moses, and killed every last man….The People of Israel took the Midianite women and children captive and took all their animals and herds and goods as plunder. They burned to the ground all the towns in which Midianites lived and also their tent camps. They looted and plundered everything and everyone—stuff and people and animals. They took it all—captives and booty and plunder—back to Moses and Eleazar the priest and the company of Israel where they were camped on the Plains of Moab, at Jordan-Jericho. 13-18 Moses, Eleazar, and all the leaders of the congregation went to meet the returning army outside the camp. Moses was furious with the army officers—the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds—as they came back from the battlefield: “What’s this! You’ve let these women live! They’re the ones who, under Balaam’s direction, seduced the People of Israel away from God in that mess at Peor, causing the plague that hit God’s people. Finish your job: kill all the boys. Kill every woman who has slept with a man. The younger women who are virgins you can keep alive for yourselves.

So if you raped these virgins — of all ages mind you — that was it. The men who went into battle could keep them alive “for themselves.” And remember — these women had just experienced their fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and almost everyone they’d ever known get slaughtered by the men who took them into their custody. Due to the command of Moses, who wrote the Old Testament law supposedly “dictated” by God.

I think this is disturbing and despicable injustice. I couldn’t stomach it my last few months as a Christian. I can’t stomach it now. There is no excuse for this. How can Christians worship a “God” who had such misogynistic, homophobic tendencies? Why isn’t it obvious to them that such laws were crafted by misogynistic, homophobic men? Ugh.

Every once in a while, someone will ask me if I hate God. I hate rape, and homophobia, and misogyny, so if that means I hate the creation of the horrifying concept of God in the Old Testament, then yes, I hate Him. To do otherwise would be a profound insult to the dignity of human friends who, like, ACTUALLY EXIST.

And then, they tend to lean forward, look me deep and patronizingly in my eyes, and ask pityingly, “How’s your heart?”

What, you want me to imitate your heart? You want me to read about laws that seem to endorse misogyny, pedophilia, and sexist homophobia, that enforce the perpetuation of these injustices with the death penalty and built in, shockingly disturbing loopholes that would make any special interest lobbyist look like a saint, and have a heart that will praise the invisible concept of God, handcrafted by such deeply prejudiced and cruel men, who commanded the laws that have caused so much hurt and pain over the millennia?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I like my heart the way it is.