Here's the scene. My mate Trevor is standing in Wax Lyrical with his girlfriend when he gets the Look.

'What?' he responds.

'You know,' she replies.

'I don't know!' he protests.

'If you loved me you'd know,' she says. Then Trevor's girlfriend storms off leaving him holding a box of scented candles.

When days later, he shares his story with me and the rest of the guys down at the pub we all nod in silent recognition. 'It's the female art of talking without talking,' I say. 'It can really screw up your day.'

The art of talking without talking (ATWT) has long been a source of fascination and fear for mankind. I remember when a group of us were at the pub when one of our friends (a woman) came in crying. She exchanged one glance with my better half, then disappeared into the toiles.

'What was that about?' I asked my good lady.

'She's split up with her boyfriend, just had an argument with her mom, and she can't make up her mind about a strappy sundress she saw... oh and she hates her job.'

'You got all that from one look?' I asked.

'Of course,' she replied. 'Isn't it obvious?

Okay, so that might be a slight exaggeration of what happened but it wasn't far off. When ATWT is used for the power of good it's amazing but when it's used for the forces of evil (i.e. against me) it's truly scary.

For example, I was once at a party with my significant other. I'd chatted to a few people I didn't know, had a bit of a dance and we left shortly after two. All in all I'm thinking it was a good night. In the car, however, I got the silent treatment. After much begging and pleading I discover that I'm guilty of being flirted with. 'Who was flirting?' I asked.

'That trollop in the tube top.'

'Which one was that?' I asked.

'You don't know!' she cried.



The thing you have to realize about us men is that we're very simple creatures: what you see is what you get. When it comes to reading between the lines we can't - we're illiterate - which is why having a go at us for not understanding why you're upset when you refuse to tell us is both cruel and mean. It's like smacking a puppy for leaving a deposit on a carpet when you had clearly stated in the seven-page document left in the kitchen drawer why it's not the done thing. Men, like puppies, can't read seven-page documents or find anything located in kitchen drawers and, most of all, they can't read women's minds. Which is why if you ask us to guess what's troubling you we will invariably get it wrong. We don't do this on purpose: what we do is work on the assumption that, mentally speaking, you're a bit like us. That means there's not a great deal on your mind to 'read' other than endless lists of top ten favorite things, pictures of naked women and fluffy clouds. Even if we tried to put ourselves in your shoes there'd be problems. Have you ever tried walking in a pair of narrow tipped stilettoes that are several sizes too small? Exactly.

The answer to the problem is, I'm afraid, a little obvious. In a straw poll six out of six agreed that the one thing we'd love the women in our lives to do is just tell us what's wrong other than us having to guess all the time. As Trevor put it, 'We're reasonable people. If they just talked to us with their lips instead of their brain we'd know exactly what to do.' So there you have it. Save the guessing games for Christmas Day and start talking to your man like a regular human being.





- Mike Gayle, Dinner for Two

