COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table. “Look how miserable they are, playing on their phones and sitting in awkward silence. She’s probably waiting for the famous ‘escape text’ from a friend to get her out of this mess,” said witnesses of the married couple, who recently moved into a larger home in the suburbs to accommodate their third child. “They clearly have nothing in common except their TV shows, which are pretty much the only thing they’ve talked about this whole time. Whichever one of their friends set them up on this disaster of a blind date is probably an asshole. I’m so glad I’m not single anymore. I don’t have to deal with that shit.” Jacob then presented Crystal with a small but practical gift, which the onlookers noted was “embarrassing” and “desperate” for a first date.

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