



What? Too much? Well, “Too Much” is the Supervillain’s nickname.





Okay, enough Russian doll tomfoolery. Chances are that the reader of this blog desires a few things: to have a Herculean body, to possess a mind turgid like a bobblehead, and to have their testosterone spiked by sultry and comely chicks.





Beastio Theorio is slowly beginning to estrange the female demographics. Well, frankly, my dears, losing the female demographic is fairly wont as soon as matters become interesting. I kid; I love you, dolls. Don’t call you dolls? Well, I love you, cunts.) (By the way, I realize thatis slowly beginning to estrange the female demographics. Well, frankly, my dears, losing the female demographic is fairly wont as soon as matters become interesting. I kid; I love you, dolls. Don’t call you dolls? Well, I love you, cunts.)





Hey, look; a glass ceiling. Neat.





The Great Gatsby is a great read, Katy Perry is attractive.” Yada, yada, yada. This is all standard, redundant (and at times even mendacious) bullshit. You don’t want to hear these same thoughts echoed by the self-proclaimed experts. You want to hear information that is furtive, arcane, controversial, yet just as, if not more, effective than the status quo. Well, Beastio Theorio now presents you with foods, reads, and females that are often overlooked, yet will still leave you a sinewy egghead dripping with jism. So how do you accomplish the aforementioned triumvirate? Food, books, and chicks, of course! But listen, the web is filled with a litany of talking-heads spouting their hackneyed information: “Egg whites have protein,is a great read, Katy Perry is attractive.” Yada, yada, yada. This is all standard, redundant (and at times even mendacious) bullshit. You don’t want to hear these same thoughts echoed by the self-proclaimed experts. You want to hear information that is furtive, arcane, controversial, yet just as, if not more, effective than the status quo. Well,now presents you with foods, reads, and females that are often overlooked, yet will still leave you a sinewy egghead dripping with jism.





You after reading Beastio Theorio









FOODS





225 lbs. of muscle, steel, and sex-appeal. You wouldn’t be wrong if this were the method you chose to describe me. What fuels this sort of beast? Over the years I’ve discovered that the diet that works best for me is as follows:





Mon-Friday: Approximately 45% Protein, 40% Fats, 15% Carbohydrates

Saturday: Approximately 50% Carbs, 30% Protein, 20% Fats

Sunday: Approximately 35% Carbs, 35% Protein, 30% Fats

Approximately 3,200 to 3,800 Calories a day to maintain bodyweight





So it’s fairly simple. I eat very close to a carnivore during the weekday, consuming meats which are high in proteins and fats. Saturday is the day where I load up on carbs. Sunday is an unholy day of rest where the diet is fairly balanced. I eat minimal to no dairy (only milk), beans, grain, wheat, gluten, sugar. This sort of diet provides me with the best balance of size, strength, and moderate body fat.





Here are a few inexpensive foods you can find at your local supermarket which will help you imitate such a diet.





Chicken Wings





So many flightless chickens...





High in protein/fats, low in carbs, delicious, cheap, and easy to prepare? Yeah, sounds good to me.





Beastio Theorio approved lifting program, chicken wings are going to make you a lean and jacked bastard. Very rarely do you find a human being who doesn’t want to gormandize some wings. The good news is that if you’re following aapproved lifting program, chicken wings are going to make you a lean and jacked bastard.













Prior to any work shift, I grab a fistful of these tasty treats, throw them in the microwave oven(or just the microwave if you’re one impatient and raw motherfucker), wrap them in some aluminum foil, and then simply feast when hunger beckons.





Hummus





Okay, here’s one for you vegetarians sitting somber in the corner, saying, “What about lil’ ol’ me?” Well, even though you’re utterly impertinent to your human biology, I’ll still offer this tip.





Put your xenophobia aside because hummus is a Middle Eastern spread composed of chickpeas, tahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. It’s that simple and absolutely delicious. Simultaneously it yields a balanced supply of healthy fats, protein, and unprocessed carb. It is also a clever and easy way to subtly include more calories in your diet.





What the hell is that? said the 'Murican.









Mixed Nuts





Still not as many nuts as my ex-girlfriend has seen





You can’t spell nutrition without “nut.” Almonds, walnuts, Brazil nuts, cashews, legumes, filberts, hazelnuts, pecans. What a multitude of nutritional sluts waiting to hop into your mouth. It doesn’t get simpler than sticking a bag of these badboys in your backpack, briefcase, or man purse, and then munching on them throughout the day. Whether you’re driving, riding a rollercoaster, or having coitus with your ex, nuts are easily consumed.





High in calories, polyunsaturated fats, monounsaturated fats, protein, low in carbs, sodium, cholesterol; shit, how does insalubrious junk like potato chips even exist?





"Mom! I shit again! Come change me!"









Berries





It's fucking berries, what the fuck do you want?





Berries are good for two scenarios: 1. You are stranded on a desert island 2. You have a carnivorous diet that flirts with ketosis.





Let me just make clear that I do not have a ketogenic diet. Ketosis is an extreme state and, in layman’s terms, it is the attrition of the human body. Berries are one of the foods that keep me away from ketosis while simultaneously replenishing my glycogen and spiking my insulin.





Along with this benefit, berries will also provide vitamin C and antioxidants for immune support, magnesium, calcium, folate, potassium, and even flavonoids which have shown to prevent cancer.





A lot of ninnies like juicing fruits. Shit, I have hands and a mouth, don’t I?





I think your Flubber is almost done





Pizza





Meat on carbs: a microcosm of animals walking on Earth. You must eat the microcosm.









I think I may be preaching to the choir when I inform you that you should eat pizza. But listen, when I’m at a week’s end, having busted my ass with nearly ten workouts, running off low carbohydrates, I need something loaded with the most macronutrients possible. Go down to your local pizza parlor (do they still have those?) or supermarket, grab a large meatlovers pizza, go to your room, lock the doors, and FINISH that thing.





If you’ve been training right, you won’t feel bloated or insecure, but rather replenished and energized. But remember, you must EARN this right.





Mother of god...













BOOKS





There is only one statistic which eclipses the number of women I’ve charmed, weights I’ve harmed, and small children I’ve alarmed; that statistic is the number of books I have read.





That’s right; the Supervillain has been a bibliophile for nearly a decade. That is why he knows the word “bibliophile.”





No, you beldam.

I’ve read many classics by many greats and I feel like I’ve discussed my favorites numerous times in public. Joyce, Huxley, Shakey, Hemingway, Fante, Proust, Wolfe, Heller, Camus, Fitzgerald, yes yes yes. That’s all fine and dandy. But what about some of my personal favorites that remain unmentioned by the literary elite? What about the great words penned which remain on the dusty shelves of out-of-business bookstores? Well, allow me to exhume some of these from their unjustified graves.





Pan by Knut Hamsun













Sure, Hamsun was a Nazi sympathizer. Sure, he has much more popular and acclaimed works. Sure, I purchased a 1956 printing of this novel for $.99 in a used book store. None of this affects the beauty of language, emotion, and nature Hamsun manages to convey.





And he never did lose those glasses





I had no expectations as I began reading this book, which I presume made the read so much more delightful. Truthfully, Pan is one of the simplest books I’ve read. It comes in at under 200 pages and is no more than the story of a man who lives in solitude in nature, named Glahn, who falls in love with a young girl.





This is an excellent read for any naturalists, aesthetes, and lovers of magniloquent sentences.





Artaud Anthology by Antonin Artaud





Our reader.





Artaud Anthology will knock that over the head with a billyclub as it walks through a park at night, skin it, bind it to the furnace in a basement with its own skin, impregnate it, take the child nine months later, raise it into adolescence, then skin the child and sew the skin back onto the original, skinless birth giver. Think of the craziest shit you’ve ever read. Got it? Well,will knock that over the head with a billyclub as it walks through a park at night, skin it, bind it to the furnace in a basement with its own skin, impregnate it, take the child nine months later, raise it into adolescence, then skin the child and sew the skin back onto the original, skinless birth giver.





Antonin Artuad was insane. Literally insane. And I know how to properly use the word “literally.” I mean just look at the French bastard; what a gaunt, haggard, neurotic, tortured specimen.





TRUE STORY: Antonin Artaud was on a ship to the United States. More than half-way through the trip, the course had to be reversed back to France because, get this, ARTAUD WAS THOUGHT TO BE SO MENTALLY DISTURBED THAT RETURNING HIM HOME AND INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTE WAS DEEMED A GREATER PRIORITY THAN GETTING THE PASSENGERS TO THEIR DESTINATION.





Antonin Artaud also wrote several stage plays; y’know, pieces which would have to be performed live by actors, back in the early 1900’s. Artaud would hand these plays over to directors and the directors would soon realize that the pieces demanded, get this, TORNADOES, WOMEN OOZING SCORPIONS, PRIESTS TRANSFORMING INTO BABIES, ARMAGGEDON, LIMBS AND BREASTS FALLING OFF, AND BLEEDING SKIES.





I am not kidding; this is literally an insane man writing and somehow some of it exists for the public to see. Go see it. Also, get very, very drunk and start reading this book out loud.





Okay, let's just move on...









My World and Welcome to It by James Thurber













The New Yorker, Thurber is especially refreshing in an age where humor has detached itself from intellect and craftsmanship, and relies heavily on scatology and hangovers. James Thurber is the funniest motherfucker who has yet to make you laugh. A writer and cartoonist for, Thurber is especially refreshing in an age where humor has detached itself from intellect and craftsmanship, and relies heavily on scatology and hangovers.





While some may consider Thurber’s comedy a bit too highbrow or pretentious, well, too bad, he, nor I, intended to cater solely to the lay man. While his education is evident, Thurber led a fairly innocuous, middle-class life with a wife and friends, like most do. Thurber’s stories are grounded and corporeal, ranging from a man intentionally sabotaging a dinner party, to college professors playing word games with a Russian Roulette twist, to a woman who is an avid mystery novel fan picking up Shakespeare for the first time and attempting to solve the various murders. Hilarious.













The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze by William Saroyan

















William Saroyan had a rough life. He was in debt until he was near death. He was publicly derided by, I imagine an intoxicated, Ernest Hemingway. And he made the fatal mistake of marrying the same woman twice. However, at the age of 18, William Saroyan relocated from Armenia to Los Angles and penned the greatest short-story collection I have read thus far.





Daring Young…presents the writings of a fiery, impetuous, Pickwickian youth attempting simultaneously to understand his overwhelming surroundings and his own burgeoning identity. The 18 year old Saroyan lived alone in penury during the Depression era. He knew he wanted to write, yet he was so young that he didn’t yet understand what professional writing was. Never has this worked in someone’s favor as it did for Saroyan.…presents the writings of a fiery, impetuous, Pickwickian youth attempting simultaneously to understand his overwhelming surroundings and his own burgeoning identity.





"I don't know why the fuck I married her twice."









Seven Plays by Sam Shepard













Okay, okay, I know what the general public wants: drama. Well, Sam Shepard is the man to deliver it. The plays in this collection include themes of sibling rivalries, incest, adultery, rape, jealousy, and murder. All of this is set in surreal, desolate locations that seem to be uncorrelated to any reality.





The language is simple and barely literary. But like I said, Shepard knows how to appeal to our perverse and visceral subconscious which is susceptible to morbid curiosity and schadenfreude. A quick, captivating, and bizarre read which examines the human condition in its most abject states.









CHICKS





You know, even the Supervillain can’t snag an able-bodied and consenting female subject every day. On these days he has to resort to raising his natural testosterone levels by gazing at some of the finest female figures in the public eye.

I know many of you need something to kickstart the man-machines down south before an intense training session. You do this long enough and eventually you deplete your supply of fresh faces (Are you really looking at their faces?) Well, allow me to provide you some new material to evoke the beast germinating within you. The only criteria for these women were as follows: not well known and not a pornstar. Only because if you can easily watch cocaine numbed cocks thrust into her orifices, it sort of spoils the mystique of true yearning and desire.





Okay, I’ll load the following with pictures and try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible.





Christina Hendricks





I don't even...





Simply put, my ideal woman. A REAL woman. Ample in all the places that matter; all the places which are being emaciated by many modern women. And also a redhead. I’ve always said that redheads have the highest odds of being a visual wreck. HOWEVER, when a redhead is put together correctly, there is no competition with women of other follicle hues. (I know a couple of you females from my past would like to take credit over my fascination with redheads. Get over yourselves; I attribute it to neither of you.)





See? It's okay to look.













Alenka Bikar









Cue “datass.jpg.” An Olympic runner whose frontside I could tell you nothing about. And the more images you see of her you realize that the cameramen couldn’t tell you either.





She could be headless. I don't fucking know









AJ Lee





Well isn't that just adorable.





A 25 year-old wrestling diva with the charm and appeal of a 16 year-old. What more could you perverts ask for?





Well isn't that just oh holy shit...









Zuzana Light





I know it's not what you're thinking about but why was she wearing that shirt?





Best known for her Bodyrock series of exercise instructionals. I have seen many of her videos. I have learned nothing. I have a notion that she is somewhat unqualified and her knowledge of fitness is lacking. I shall file no complaint, however.





Not even a fucking exercise. Utterly irrelevant however.









Kat Dennings





Practically on display.





A young, thickly assembled, oddly foxy Jewish chick with an ineffable sense of prurience. Know what I mean?





You know very well that your shirt is seductively unbuttoned.













Well, there you go. I can only hope that you are full, well-read, and furiously masturbating at this point. If so, the world is a much better and wetter place.











