Approach: Cessna X, your mode C is intermittently reporting 3,000 feet. Say your altitude.

Pilot: Cessna X is intermittently at 3,000 feet.

Tower: Traffic at your 6 o’clock, 2 miles, same altitude, closing slowly.

Pilot: Roger. Since our plane doesn’t come standard with rear view mirrors, could you keep us apprised?

Flight Watch: Cessna X, Can you give us a pilot report?

Pilot: It feels like we’re riding a hotel’s vibrating bed up here.

Flight Watch: Is that bed on the light, moderate or rattle your teeth setting?

An airliner was in a holding pattern waiting for the Democratic Presidential Nominee to leave the area.

Tower: Airliner X, can you hold for another 10 minutes?

Pilot: Yes sir, however, please advise the Democrats that more and more passengers are turning Republican.

Jet Pilot: Tower, we’d like to report a family of foxes crossing the taxiway.

Tower: Roger that. The foxes help keep families of birds from nesting in the area.

Approach Control: 747 Heavy, traffic is a 777 at your 2 o’clock at 4000 feet.

747 Heavy: Roger, Approach, we have that light twin in sight.

Ground Control: Airliner X, Good news, you are clear to taxi to the active.

Pilot: Roger, What’s the bad news?

Ground Control: No bad news at the moment, but you probably want to get gone before I find any.

Tower: “Kilo Mike Delta, are you proceeding to TGO?”

Pilot: “Yes Sir, more or less.”

Tower: “In that case, proceed a little bit more to TGO!”

Pilot (LH 876): “Request heading 110 to avoid.”

Tower: “To avoid what!?”

Pilot (LH 876): “To avoid delay.”

Tower Controller: “BA356, proceed to stand 69”

BA: “Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?”

United cargo jet (with female pilot): “This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?

Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach)”

Pilot (after a long time in a holding pattern): Tower, could we get an EFC? (Translation: how much longer?)

Tower: Indefinite.

Pilot: I’m pretty sure we don’t have fuel for that.

Pilot: O’Hare Tower, Bonanza X, request landing. I can land on any runway and hold short of any other runway.

Tower (with an over-full load): Roger, we request you land at Chicago Executive and hold short of O’Hare.

Tower: Airliner X, it looks like you have a baggage door open.

Airliner: Thank you for the report, but that must be our APU door that’s open for cooling.

Tower: Airliner X, you have luggage falling out of your APU door.

Lost Student Pilot: Tower, Cessna X, Requesting help determining my location, I’m lost.

Tower: Can you fly over any identifiable man made objects like a highway or water tower?

Pilot: Affirmative, I just flew by a water tower, but all it said was “Class of ’09.”

Denver Tower: Gulfstream X, You’re cleared to 9,000 feet. For a vector to Hector, contact the sector director.

Tower: Airliner 757 vectored 310 at 145 knots behind traffic.

Pilot: Roger that, 310 at 145 to clean out the stall horn.

Approach: Airliner Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.

Pilot: Approach, we’re really hauling ass.

Approach: Airliner Heavy, I couldn’t care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.

Kids on a tour of the Tower: Have you ever had a real emergency?

Controller: There was that one time when we ran out of coffee.

Controller: Flight XYZ, can you climb to FL390?

XYZ: Standby (A few seconds pass)

XYZ: We can make it, but we’ll have to throw out a few passengers

Controller: That’s approved.

Pilot: “Condor 471, don’t you have a Follow-me ?”

Tower: “Negativ, let’s just see how your find your own way to Gate 10.”

Tower: “Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.”

Pilot: “Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345…”

Tower: “Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.”

Pilot: “Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.”

Tower: “Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.”

Pilot: “But 4 and 6 is 10, isn’t it?”

Tower: “You’re supposed to climb, not add.”

Tower: “Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.”

Pilot: “Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.”

Tower: Cessna 310, that taxiway is approved for single engine use only.

Pilot: Roger, shutting down one engine.

Pilot: Logan Ground, Radio Check.

Tower: You sound like you are calling from inside a tin can.

Pilot: Roger. It feels like it, too.

Pilot: Airliner X, request a 360 to parking.

Tower: 360 approved, 180 recommended.

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

Pilot: Yes.

Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.

Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot:: Tower, give me a rough time check

Tower: It’s Thursday, Sir.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?

Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It’s only the same pilot.

Pilot: Tower, there’s a runway light burning.

Tower: I m sure there must be dozens of lights burning.

Pilot: Sorry, I mean it’s smoking.

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.

Pilot: Roger ….. We’ve checked, they are all working.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!

Pilot: Again!

Tower: What’s your heigth and position?

Pilot: Well, I m 6 foot tall and I m sitting front left.

Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?

Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.

Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel.

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”

Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

Student pilots often learn the mechanics of flying before the details of communicating on the radio.

Female student pilot with a pretty voice: “Cessna X … Ready for takeoff, request a straight approach.”

Male ATC: Cessna X takeoff approved. I’m off at 5 if you want to go out for dinner.

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”

Tower: Motorglider X, Can you go any faster?

Motorglider: Not if we want to climb. But think about it, we don’t burn much fuel.

Tower: You must really smile when you get fuel.

Motorglider: Roger that, with a 7 gallon tank, we get to stop and smile a lot.

Controller: “FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?”

Pilot: “A340 of course!”

Controller: “Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?”

Champ Pilot: “Shaw Tower, Champ 71X with Echo for Landing.”

Tower: “Champ 71X, Cleared to Land.”

Jet Pilot: “Shaw Tower, Learjet 22U with Echo for Landing.”

Tower: “Champ 71X, Remain East of River, Learjet 22U, Radar contact 15 miles, approved for the straight in approach.”

Champ Pilot: “Shaw Tower, request priority landing.”

Tower: “Learjet 22U, are you OK letting the Champ slip in?”

Champ Pilot (impersonating the Jet Pilot): “Affirmative, we’ll wait.”

Tower: Airliner X, please expedite descent through 4,000 feet. Traffic is a Pitts at 11 o’clock climbing to 4,500.

Pilot: Is the Pitts doing aerobatics?

Tower: Not intentionally, but it may start if you don’t expedite your descent.

Flight Watch: Cessna, Traffic 12 o’clock, 2 miles and closing fast.

Pilot: Flight Watch, was that message for Cessna 59J or Cessna 25K?

Flight Watch: Both of you.

Student Pilot: “I’m lost; I’m over a lake and heading toward the big E.”

Controller: “Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.”

(short pause)…

Controller: “Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately …”

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off.

The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5.

Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5’s nose cargo doors opened, saying, “I’m going to eat you.”

ATC: “Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? ”

Cessna: “To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.”

ATC: “I meant in the next five minutes not years.”

Pilot in a holding pattern: Tower, Request an ETA.

Tower: Cessna X, Do you have a situation that requires priority?

Pilot: Does “Daddy, I gotta go” qualify?

Tower: Cessna X, cleared for immediate approach.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asks:

“What was your last known position?”

The reply:

“When I was number one for takeoff”.

Cessna: “Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.”

Tower: “Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!”

Cessna: “Uh…tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.”

On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanik to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 tow plane had no radio, but the Blanik did.

No problem, after departing the glider called ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn.

My friend responded: “What do you want me to do? Yell out the window?”

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”