A/N: TODAY! The group plays D&D! I hope this was worth the wait, because I pushed back the deadline twice. For anybody who doesn't super care, go ahead and scroll down until where the bracketed lines end, and there'll be some fluff afterward. As for the gaming itself, I will say this: I rolled all the dice for it myself. I did not fudge a single roll. You will understand why I'm saying this in due time.

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Saturday, January 6

"Dungeons and Dragons. Gary Gygax's game. Your nerd-ass apartment mates, like it or not, are attracted on their boring weekends to the stupid, and a game like D&D fuels their rampant need for munchkinry and makes them feel like they're kinda funny sometimes, while drawing them deeper and deeper into the bowels of…"

*SMACK*

A d20 hit Andrew square in the chest.

"Andy, I swear to God, if you make one more reference to that fucking Alewives sketch, I'm going to kill your character and make you roll a Commoner. You know what? Fuck it. I'm putting Alewives jokes on the banned pile with the Monty Python references." The GM was clearly unamused.

"Brave, brave Sir Jacky, bravely banned the memes!" came Shaheed's absolutely terrible singing voice.

Jack facepalmed. "Can you just go die or something please?"

Andrew couldn't resist. "Two words: diversified portfolio."

The GM just glared daggers at him. "Anyway. Last week, we left off right after Lilian the drow wizard kicked the bucket from a crit to the face and somebody" - Jack stopped glaring at Andy and directed his gimlet eye to Monika - "flipped the fucking table. I ended the encounter there and you should have all gotten the email about loot. I'm just going to assume, as usual, that you looted everything that wasn't nailed down and - some things that were, looking at you, Ms. Adamantine Hammer and Ms. Munchkin, the Dastardly Duo of Dynamic Entry - and put it on Kruug's back before heading back to town because I can't be assed to pull up everything. Any objections?"

There were none.

"Alright. It'll take you a few days to make it down the mountain and then another day to make it back to town proper. First day goes by uneventfully. But coming back down the mountain on the second day, as nightfall draws near, it starts to get very, very cold and windy. Kruug, survival check?" A moment later: "Ooh, nice roll."

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"I sense a powerful storm coming on," the half-giant said. "What do we do, Grach?"

The Desnite cleric answered quickly: "It wouldn't be wise to be caught exposed on the windward side of a mountain during a blizzard. We should stop our descent and seek shelter, before the storm is on us and we can't see at all."

["Fuck. That's a modified 0 on my wisdom check."]

["In-game or in real life?" Andrew snarked. Lia smacked him.]

["In real life. For shacking up with you, dipshit!"]

This drew dismissal from Minrah. "Bah. Mom always told me that no bad weather could stop a true gold dwarf. Maybe our sissy shield cousins, but do I look like one o' them? Not likely!"

"Minrah. Desna's protection is powerful, but stupidity is the surest antidote."

"He's right, Minrah," Haldan cut in. "And if nothing else, think of this: you may be fine, but what of the rest of our guild? I for one don't fancy the idea of being stuck outside in a blizzard, and neither does my little Sanic here." He reached up to his shoulder and gave his shivering hedgehog familiar a scratch. "And… oh dear. From the looks of it, Reimako's already decided discretion is the better part of valor. Can't say I'm surprised."

Grachus merely sighed. "Right. Kruug, you know the deal by now, right, man? Follow that tiefling!"

[Unseen by anyone else, Jack handed Tsuki a note under the table.]

"What the hell is that sound?" the rogue muttered to herself, pressing deeper into the cave. An unnatural chill hung in the air, and the walls began to be covered in a thin but perfect sheet of ice, marred only by large claw marks. Reimako was unnerved, but driven on by her curiosity at the strange sounds emanating deep from the cave. It sounded almost like… music, more and more so as she delved deeper - being sure to mark her progress on outcroppings of rock with pieces of chalk so she could find her way back out.

Meanwhile, Kruug followed Reimako's tracks to the entrance of an icy cave in the mountainside. "Looks like she went in there, Grach. Place gives me the creeps."

Haldan studied the cave. "Lots of branching paths from the looks of it. Reimako could be anywhere in there."

[The GM sighed, noting that everyone's passive perception checks failed thanks to the strengthening snowstorm. This sort of thing always happened to him whenever he actually wanted the group to go somewhere. Fudge time.]

["Minrah, you notice something, just because you're good friends with her, and you remember her talking about this more than once. There's tiny little chalk drawings on the walls of the cave, like the kind Reimako always leaves everywhere."]

["Oooh! Yeah, I do remember those! She's scared of everything, the little bitch, so she always marks a way back." Lia winked at Tskui.]

"Hmm. Yeah, I can follow these," Kruug said, looking the markings over.

"Hey," Grachus cut in. "Anybody else hear that?"

"Hear what?" the wizard asked curiously.

"Music."

[Monika suppressed a giggle.]

Reimako, up ahead, definitely knew she was hearing a piano now. And what sounded like singing, but in a language she didn't know. She slowed her pace and crept very, very quietly along the caves towards the source of the sound, a mixture of perplexed and terrified. The caves were completely dark this far in, but being a tiefling, Reimako had darkvision to rely on. She gently peered around a corner...

And couldn't believe her eyes or her ears.

An absolutely gorgeous humanoid woman, loosely bound to the floor by what looked like chains made of ice, was singing and playing piano in a large - no, enormous - chamber, on top of of a perfectly-carved ice stage. The whole place carried the sound of the music perfectly. Reimako was no engineer, but she recognized architecture shaped for sound when she saw it - mostly because she'd spent a lot of time in her youth pickpocketing the rich upper crust in places like that. And this musician had an audience. An apparently somewhat impressed, or at least amused, audience.

Of dragons. Plural.

["Oh, shit!" Shaheed whispered.]

[Lia stammered too. "Um."]

The party caught up to Reimako not long after; upon seeing them she frantically motioned for the group to stay quiet. Haldan immediately figured out why.

["Welp, there goes my nat 20 for the day, on a friggin' knowledge roll," Andrew sighed. "At least I know everything about white dragons today, right?"]

"Oh," he mouthed. "White dragons. Pretty young ones… I wonder where the momma is… and what they're doing with that girl." He didn't have to wait long. The bard - it was pretty obvious that she was one - finished her song, prompting one of the dragonlings to speak up menacingly in Draconic.

"Sssso, bard. Have thee any other melodies to stave off our appetite? Thy music is intriguing, no doubt, and a worthy addition to our knowledge, as thou claimed, but we grow hungrier, and thou art looking tastier and crunchier by the moment. Alas, brother Pusarth, knowest thou where mother keeps the ketchup?"

["Are you shitting me right now?" That was Lia. "You're gonna make a 'crunchy and tastes good with ketchup' joke with some fuckin' Ye Olde Englishe-speaking white dragons?"]

["You're goddamn white," Jack replied, in his best Breaking Bad impression. Everyone at the table groaned, except Monika, who quietly piped up, "...I don't get it."

[Jack just looked over at her and said, "I'll tell you when you're older." She glared at him and joined the others in the loud communal groan.]

["So, Amy, you've got a bunch of hungry-looking young dragons eyeing you up like they're gonna eat you up in a very bad-touch kinda way. What do?" the GM asked expectantly.]

["Ah… I'm guessing the answer is 'give them what they want?' I'll roll Perform, I guess. Yay, first dice r… oh no."]

[Two perform checks. Two d20s. A one and a three. The GM died of laughter that day.]

Whatever Grachus was expecting, he was not prepared to see the poor girl trip over her chains and fall on her face as she tried to start her song with a flourish. The dragons - he could now tell there were four of them - unmistakably cackled in what sounded to him like Draconic - makes sense - before getting up and looming over the girl. That's not good. The Desnan shared a look with the rest of the party, then let the wizard go first.

["Sorry about this, Monika, it'll buff out." "Wait, what?"]

[The GM, knowing what was coming, was already reaching for his d20s. "Surprise round, the other four of you. Figure out what you're doing and roll initiative - you too on that, Monika - while Andy rolls his damage dice."]

["32 damage and they're vulnerable to fire, which is… 48? 24 if they save? Fuck yo couch, Jack." "Oof."]

The darkness of the ice cave was suddenly illuminated by a brilliant explosion as all four young dragons and the bard were caught up in a massive Fireball. One of the dragons, at least, saw the spell's telltale bead flying at the nest and hit the deck, shielding himself with his wings. Amy, likewise, was already on the ground, but was able to roll as far away from the blast as the chain would let her. The other dragons were too focused on their next meal to do much of anything about it, and took a massive blast to the face.

["Owwwww, you caught me in that, Andy…" Monika moaned.]

["Ah, suck it up, you made your reflex save and you've got fire resist 5. Like I said, it'll buff out!"]

["Wait, I do? Ah, okay, add 5 health back…"]

["Yes, aasimar and tieflings are great, are they not?" Tsuki beamed.]

Reimako acted next, casually stepping out of cover and firing a shot from her revolver at a dragon that looked like it'd been sufficiently burned, managing to finish it off. Somewhat less impressively, she was followed up by Grachus casting a simple resist energy charm on himself, having been made aware of the dragons' ice breath. Next, surprisingly, was Minrah, who, somewhat less surprisingly for the brash paladin, moved out of cover and directly into the fray by herself.

["...Goddammit, if I'd known you were gonna do that I'd have cast Resist Energy on you," Louis sighed, shaking his head.]

[Lia just laughed it off. "What, you think Minrah's ever gonna think to tell anyone she's about to do something stupid?"]

Following this up was the visually terrifying display of the already-massive Kruug suddenly psychically growing to twenty-eight feet tall.

["Two size categories? I suppose it's that time in the game now…" Tsuki muttered, fully aware of the hypocrisy in her complaining.]

["Hell yeah, motherfuckers! We eating roast dragon for dinner tonight!" Shaheed crowed.]

["...Whoa…." Monika breathed. "That's insane…."]

["First person to say 'expand dong' gets a d4 in their shoe, by the way," Jack pre-empted, rolling for the remaining dragonlings' initiatives.]

Miraculously, one of the survivors was the first to act as the smoke dissipated from the Fireball. A dragonling dove for a pile of their parents' belongings in the back of the cave, quickly recovering a scroll and casting off of it. Haldan cursed as he quickly identified the spell - communal protection from energy. Another Fireball wasn't going to solve this.

["Asshole!" Andrew laughed.]

["You do not get to be an old white dragon without being prepared. White dragons might not be as smart as their cousins, but stupid they are not," Tsuki cut in.]

[Shaheed this time: "Who said anything about an old one?"]

[Louis answered with a touch of dread in his voice. "Bro. They're chaotic evil dragons. There's not gonna be a whole fuckload of them together in one place unless they're being raised."]

["Nice character knowledge, fuckboy!" the GM laughed. "I'll be nice, though. Monika, Andrew, anybody else with knowledge arcana, roll it for me to see if any of you know this in character. Otherwise…."]

[Two dice rolled out, and neither rolled very well. Andrew actually managed to roll a 1, with Monika pulling up a 11 - in other words, a tie. "Wait," Monika said, "your Intelligence is what?"]

["Much to learn, you still have, Monika!" Jack's Yoda impression left a lot to be desired, but it got his message across. "Either way, I'm afraid neither of those are good enough, and if they don't know, none of y'all do. For all you know, this is the dragon equivalent of a frat house. Or this D&D campaign, maybe. Yeah, Haldan, you think they were just playing Houses and Humans together with this nice lady as live entertainment. Definitely no angry mommy coming back at any time."]

[Andrew: "Oof."]

Thinking quickly, Haldan came up with an alternative course of action, then peeked the corner. "Alright then, you frigid fratboys! Let's see how you handle this!" the scrawny-looking old man shouted in an unnaturally loud and incredibly inappropriately-dignified voice, in three remaining dragonlings struggled with their bodies as Haldan's slow washed over them... and absolutely failed to fight it off. Satisfied, Haldan slipped back around the exit of the cave and into cover.

I'm no mage, but I know an opportunity when I see one, Reimako thought, dropping to a knee and unloading a full volley of shots from both of her pistols at the dragon currently looking the healthiest.

["Jesus Christ, you dropped it," Jack sighed. I deserve an Oscar for this acting, though…]

The next person up, surprisingly, was Amy.

["Amy, good news! The Fireball melted the chains of ice. You can move freely now. Bad news, you're prone on the ground."]

Maybe up was slightly too charitable a term. Seeing how she was stuck in the middle of a fight with no obvious and easy way out, and had just gotten herself lightly seared, Amy elected to instead stay firmly prone, crawl off the edge of the stage, and start singing for her erstwhile - if clearly quite careless - rescuers from some modicum of cover.

Grachus decided that the best course of action was to interpose himself between the remaining dragons and their intended meal. He was, after all, a far spiker and less appetizing target than… a girl wearing a keyboard? Figure that out later.

Both of the dragons remaining sprang into action, insamuch as they could really do much of anything with Haldan's slow on them. Curiously, they didn't attempt to fly away; rather, both held their ground and blew a cone of ice at their attackers. Reimako and Amy both easily avoided them, Minrah thanks to an incredible display of dexterity and Amy thanks to her cover, although Amy did get clipped by the blast. Minrah, too, missed out on the worst of both attacks by virtue of divine grace, ducking and weaving with surprising dexterity for an unwieldy dwarf in a giant suit made of gears. Grachus was less lucky, rolling out of the way of one but taking the other right to the face - fortunately, his resist energy tanked all of it. And Kruug? Kruug didn't even try to dodge. Haldan, meanwhile, was completely out of the line of fire.

["26 damage total from both of them, boys and girls, 10 and 16. Note accordingly on your sheets."]

Grazing Minrah with an ice blast was, of course, the last mistake of a certain young dragon's life. Screaming an oath to Moradin - I still have no idea who Moradin is, note to self, look that up, Haldan thought to himself - Minrah raised her maul, charged, and completely unnecessarily smote one of the offending spawns. The damage roll was all but a formality, damaged as it was by Haldan's earlier fireball, as Minrah's obscenely large hammer smashed into the white dragonling with such force that it managed to decapitate it through sheer blunt trauma.

This same scene was repeated with the other dragonling as Kruug stormed forward and sliced the beast in half with one enormous psychic claw.

Nobody spoke for a moment, then Amy opened up.

"Well, ah, I have no idea who you guys are, but I appreciate the save! Wouldn't you know it, I offered to play for these guys and they literally took me captive after the show was over. Tough crowd, huh?"

Haldan just stared at her. "Um… miss… are you aware that those were white dragons? Easily the most cruel and vicious kind of dragon there is. You're lucky they didn't just freeze you and eat you on the spot! And you tried to perform for them?"

"Sure! I play for everyone! I figure music is the most universal thing there is, right? Not fair to say no to somebody just because they were born a dragon, hey?"

Even Grachus shook his head at the obviously incredibly naive girl. "Ma'am… what's your name?" She told him. "Amy, is it? You're so lucky it wasn't a bigger one, or you would seriously have been stu

["RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!" Jack shouted, getting amused looks from Monika and Lia, a questioning glance from Shaheed, and blatant pants-shitting fear from Louis and Andrew.]

"What in the Abyss is that?" Kruug yelled over the din.

["Andrew, Monika, knowledge checks please… that'll be sufficient, Andrew."]

"That, boys and girls, was their parents. They sound pretty big too. I suggest we get out of here. Now," Haldan hissed.

"What in blazes do you mean their parents? Why didn't you bloody tell us that before, you useless wizard?!" Grachus screamed at the surprisingly calm aasimar.

"I would have told you if I'd thought about it! I was too busy keeping the girl from getting turned into an icicle! Now move!"

"No good," Kruug said, looking… almost gleeful. "I can hear them moving along the inside of the cave. We've got to ambush them. Bah. We've fought worse."

"Have we really?" Tsuki shot back, annoyed. "Either way, there's a blizzard outside too, so it's not like we can just walk out the door. I don't want to fight them either, but I don't think we have a choice. Get to cover, you idiots!"

["Roll initiative just so you have it ready. As for cover in the room, there's the impromptu stage the younglings set up in the center of the cavern, as well as the small piles of loot in the corners. Be advised, though, Andrew now remembers that white dragons have Ice Shape at will, so you're all aware that any ice-based cover is temporary. You've got about a minute in-game to prep before they get here, go ahead and talk it out. Be warned, these guys are bad news."]

[Louis took charge. "Okay. First off, we've got heals, let's use 'em. Monika's got good Use Magic Device and I don't think she has much to do until the fight starts. I think we've all got a lot of good buffs to drop, right? Andy's got Haste, he can Web the dragons so they're forced to fight us at ground level and then Flaming Sphere and Glitterdust their asses, he's got Enlarge Person for Louis and Lia, a Protection from Evil for himself and Monika, and he can summon… I think a Gibbering Mouther is our best bet beforehand too, right? I know I have Magic Circle Against Evil for me and the other two frontliners, right? Plus Divine Favor on me and Lia and Ironskin on her. Shaheed's got whatever he wants, obviously. Bro, you might wanna spend every power point you've got. Monika, what do you have? Inspire Courage obviously, what else?"]

[Monika looked at her sheet. "Ahh… let me think. Confusion for sure, right?"]

["Yeah, that's a good one, Moni," Louis replied. "Best spell you get at third level. Got any others?"]

["Spells at third level, no, I took a masterpiece instead, and I don't think it's useful here. That and… I've got Glitterdust too… uh, I think Hideous Laughter doesn't work so well since they're dragons and I'm not… Charm Person doesn't work because they're not people… Silence maybe if they're spellcasters?" Tsuki nodded. "Okay, I can cast that on an area right? Yeah, I can put that where the dragons are going to come in, I think, which… stops them from hearing what's going on on our side too! Nice! What else... Cacophonus Call… what does that do again?"]

["Cacophonus Call is nauseated for rounds per level. Nauseated is, like, the worst condition to have at this level." Jack pitched in.]

["I see you're actually being helpful for once, Jack…" Monika snarked at him.]

["Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" half the table shouted in unison, followed by a shouted "Gotteeeeeem!" from Shaheed.]

["You died of a heart attack. Roll a bard… oh wait," Jack shot back, deadpan.]

["Anyway, so that's how I can help, right guys? Oh, man, I can't wait, my first real fight! I'm so excited, you guys have no idea!"]

["Too bad odds are even you're gonna die in your first fight.…" Jack mumbled.]

[Monika leaned over and whispered in the GM's ear. "Remember last night, sweetie…."]

["Oh, don't you even start!" he sighed.]

And so Amy walked around using the wand on everyone, getting them back up to as close to full health as she could manage, while the rest of the party prepped their buffs and battlefield preparation as best as they could.

True to the plan, when the dragons came barreling around the bend, they flew straight into Haldan's webs - or rather, ducked below them rather than fly through… directly through a zone of silence and into the line of fire of a fully-readied party of murderhobos.

First, the opportunity attacks went off.

Lia resolved first. She didn't have time to smite, but her hammer swing was still an absolute monster.

["Hokay. Swing at +13 base, +1 from Haste, +2 from Divine Favor and +1 to that from Fate's Favored, +2 from Inspire Courage, +2 for flank, that's +21… Power Attack for -2… +19. Rolled a 13… 32. That good enough?" Lia asked hopefully.]

["Just barely, actually. These guys are tough."]

["Oof, gonna have to smite for sure next round. Oh well. Alright." The sound of dice clattering.]

"For Moradin and Faerun!" Minrah screamed as she shattered bones with a powerful readied swing of her maul.

[Hammer is 3d6… 14, shit, nice! 9 from strength and a half, 1 from +1, another 6 from power attack and a half, +3 divine favor, 29 bludgeoning. Plus d6 fire… yes! 6, and they're vulnerable to that, right, so 9. 35 damage.]

["Not bad, Minrah," Jack said approvingly. "Kruug, you're up, you need help with your damage?"]

["...Yeah, dude, I'm sorry."]

["You went all-out, so you're dealing 8d6 + 13 normally with the bite and 5d6 + 9 on the claws, 1d6 shocking on all of 'em, add 2 from Amy's music, and add 6 to the bite and 4 to the claws if you power attack with 'em, taking off 2 to hit from both - bear in mind that Lia barely hit, though." Shaheed whistled. "You're gonna wanna hit with the bite for this since you only get one attack this round. You're swinging at +14 base, +2 inspire courage, +2 flank, +1 haste, for 19 total."]

["Thanks, boss. Daaaamn, that's a lot of damage. Why don't I do this more often?"]

["Because this cost you a shit ton of power points to nova this hard, dawg," Louis answered.]

["Well, fuck, may as well take a swing. Free hit's a free hit, right? Power attack it, yolo.]

Kruug's towering thirty-foot form casually reached down and sank its enormous jaws into the neck of the monster, only barely avoiding severing anything really important. The giant old dragon screamed curses in Draconic, though only Amy and Haldan could understand them.

[Fucking Christ, that's a 20… but that's a 7 to confirm, that ain't enough, is it? Shiiiit. Well, still. So that's 9d6 + 23. Lessee here. 1, 5, 2, 6… uh, 60 total. Oh, man."]

[The GM leaned in. "And now last but not least, Grachus. Louis, buddy, both of them are going right by you, so you get two swings, one at each. +2 flank, +2 music, +1 haste, +3 divine favor. Let's see 'em."]

["Yep. +18 total. Not even gonna try and trip these guys." More dice rolled across the table.]

Grachus lunged from behind cover, spearing both dragons viciously with his elven spear as they charged heedlessly through the gap.

["33 and 35. Damn, we're getting lucky today. These guys have like 30 AC, right? Anyway. Not much damage but it's there. d8+9 to both of them. Goddamn. 17 to the first one, 15 to the second."]

[Jack finished marking off the damage. "Alright, attacks of opportunity are over, lads. Readied actions go off. Andrew first."]

["Yeah, I drop a Glitterdust right on top of 'em, and my Gibberer tries to blind."]

["Roll to pen spell resistance, I'll roll the saves..." Jack checked his table.]

Both dragons found themselves coated in blindingly bright magical dust, of the kind normally found in Ziggy Stardust-era David Bowie shows, as Haldan unleashed arcane power. One of them suddenly clawed at its eyes, blinded. A foul, amorphous blob of eyes - Haldan's summoned gibbering mouther - fired its blinding spray at the other, but the hardened old dragon shrugged it off.

["Hot damn! I was not expecting that!" Andrew crowed.]

["Me neither," Jack said, impressed. "Those guys are HUGE. That means they have HUGE SAVES. And more importantly you have to roll pretty high to beat their SR too, which you did on both of them. Nicely done. Lastly, Reimako, take your shot."]

["I have already rolled to hit and damage. You are not going to like this, but I scored and confirmed a critical hit, as you can see, and, well, as you know, all firearms deal four times damage on a critical. I know that old white dragons have 212 HP. I dealt 101 points of damage. By my count it was at 100 exactly. It's unconscious and bleeding out, unless you have adjusted its stats. Oh, and I regain a point of grit for confirming a critical."]

The tiefling had been pre-aimed at the precise spot where she knew the dragon would be entering, but she couldn't believe her luck when Haldan's glitterdust caused the dragon to spin in midair as it clawed at its eyes, causing it to turn its head directly side-on to her revolver. Reimako did not throw away her shot; the bullet left the barrel of the gun, burrowed directly into its skull through one eye, brained the beast, and went out the other. The dragon collapsed to the ground, unmoving.

[Total silence reigned at the table for a moment. Tsuki does not fudge dice rolls,as everyone knew.]

[Finally Jack broke the silence. "Well, I can't argue against a nat20, and the numbers add up. Congratulations, assholes, you just wrecked an old white dragon before it got to move. Its wife is very, very, very ANGERY."]

[All present in the room shrank back in their chairs a bit.]

["She gains and then spends all of her hero points in one go. Every single one of you, make a reflex save. Right now. Versus…" A terrifying number of dice spilled from Jack's hands. "42… times one point five… 63 cold damage. Empowered ice breath. That's her turn down, though."]

[Only Reimako passed. Grachus was left barely standing thanks to his resist energy and Minrah was left at literally one hit point. Kruug, having been hit by the dragonling's ice breath and not having had time to recover all his health, was knocked out entirely.]

[Monika grimaced at her character sheet, realizing there was literally no way. Andrew saw the look on her face, then grinned at her."I use a Hero Point to also take my turn right now."]

Haldan saw the oncoming wall of ice, and knew he was doomed. Wait, he thought, his brain running at the speed of light. Wall of ice. WALL OF ICE! The wizened old wizard raised his hands in a dramatic fashion and rapidly fired off a word of power, and his wall of ice sprang up from the ground in the path of the ice breath right in front of him and the bard just as they were about to be frozen to death. Amy hugged him joyously, not stopping her singing.

["Wait, what?" the GM said, baffled.]

["I cast Wall of Ice right then, now, yes even then, as you're so fond of describing immediate actions, which Hero Pointing is, and cast Wall of Ice, which breaks line of effect between me and the dragon. Per the rules, this prevents me and her from being hit by it. It's as if I'd cast Emergency Force Sphere. We're safe."]

[The whole table cheered and bro-fists were exchanged. Monika mirrored the actions of her character and lunged at Andrew, enveloping him in a crushing bear hug.]

["Alright, Andrew, you conniving bastard, well played."]

[Andrew stood up and bowed theatrically. "Thank you, thank you, Haldan Saves The Party Incorporated aims to please with only the finest of our great line of quality bullshit!"]

["Sit the fuck down," Jack muttered. "Now, the way I see it, you guys have a problem. You have to one-round this dragon, again, or she's going to kill either Grachus, Kruug, or Minrah, no question about it."]

["Hmm…" Louis paused in thought. "I think we can do this. Everybody hold actions and go in the order I tell you to. It's gonna go down like this…"]

Grachus held his Desnan holy symbol high, and shouted a brief prayer to his deity. The remaining dragon's wounds healed up slightly, but more importantly, from Grachus' point of view, was that Kruug stirred back to the land of the conscious.

"Kill that bitch," the cleric said, pointing to the dragon.

"Thought you'd never ask."

["Can I help him up as a move action so he doesn't provoke by standing?" Louis asked, giving Jack his best impression of a pleading face… given that he was a late-20s guy from downtown.]

["What the hell. Sure, I'll allow it."]

[Shaheed then did something unusual - for the very first time, he spent a hero point. "I need an extra action, 'cause I'm gonna use Expose Weakness on this bitch and then full attack." To everyone's surprise, except his, he beat the power resistance check, if only barely. Much less surprisingly, the dragon easily passed the fortitude save.]

["Why'd you do that?" Jack asked him. He knew exactly why, of course, but Jack was mostly curious as to whether Shaheed realized it.]

["Makes the target flanked by everyone. That lets Tsuki keep shooting it for sneak attack, right?"]

["That it does. Nicely done. Shame it didn't work, though."]

["Now, I'mma wreck this fucker. +17 three, no, four times, we've got haste… three hits, bay-beeeee! Another crit and a fail confirm though. Goddammit."]

[Jack's jaw dropped. "You realize that misses like two thirds of the time, right? Like. Dude. What the fuck is the party's luck today?"]

[Louis lost it, and then opened his mouth. "Heyyy, we're gonna have a good day! And ain't nobody gotta cry today!"]

[And then… you could see the exact moment that Monika earned Louis and Shaheed's undying love, as she joined in with them. "'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today! And save that drama for another day-ayyyy!"]

[It took the room a good minute to come back to order before Jack was able to get Shaheed to roll his damage, after telling him again. "Aight, let's do this. 9d6 + 23, 6d6 + 17, 6d6 + 17, that's… 21d6 + 57. Roll that, and we get… 129. BOOM!"]

["Jesus Christ. I hope you guys know you'd be boned if I threw another encounter at you today."]

["Yeah, yeah, whatever," Lia laughed. "Smite, full attack. Say… this is an evil dragon, innit? Awesome! I never get double smite damage. Anyway, three swings, not surprising, two of them hit..."]

The wounded wyrm thrashed about in vain as Minrah cried something unmistakably dwarf-y and yet unrecognizable to any modern dwarvish speaker, then swung her haul in a vicious arc, smashing the dragon's torso with a satisfying cruch before pulling back and landing a backswing as well. On both impacts, the hammer shone with radiant divine energy. Still, the dragon, at this point animated only by sheer rage, refused to die.

["47 damage on the first swing, 48 on the second. Yeouch. That thing's still up?" Lia asked, questioningly.]

["Surprisingly, yes. This is an extremely pissed off dragon. It's barely holding together, though. You can hear it struggling for breath."]

[Monika spoke up. "Tsuki, do you mind if I go next? I haven't gotten to hit it yet."]

["Of course."]

["Okay, first attack roll! I five-foot around the wall, arcane strike, and shoot. I might not have an easy time hitting this one though, ahaha… is 29 good enough? No? Okay, second one… 31?"]

[Jack looked on with some pride. "That'll do it exactly. Let's see your damage roll."]

["So let's see… where's my d6… 4, plus one from magic, plus one from arcane strike, plus two from music, plus one from strength… 9 damage. That's, ah, that's not a lot, is it?"]

["Hey, damage is damage, Monika!" Andrew cheered.]

["As it is, that's enough to knock it unconscious. Well done! You guys are ridiculous, I just wanna say that. I almost got you, though… if Louis hadn't have channeled I don't think y'all would have made it. As it is, combat's over. Lemme have a look at the loot table..."]

["YES! I'm jealous of those big damage numbers, though…." Monika said.]

["Hey, girl, you were a big part of them. We all made a bunch of swings that wouldn'ta hit if you didn't have your music going, and that plus two damage was just enough to help Tsuki get the kill on the first one. You contributed a lot," Louis contributed, smiling broadly.]

["Ahhh, guys… thanks…!" Monika beamed.]

"Soooo, you guys look like fun. Mind if I come with you? Not like I have anywhere else to go…" Amy asked the crew.

The other party members looked at each other for a brief moment before Grachus extended his hand. "Grachus Sura, at your service, miss. Welcome to the guild."

##################################################

"Well, we dealt with your drow problem and we dealt with your dragon problem while we were at it, chief," Grachus said to the elder, trying his best to stay diplomatic.

"Oh… right. I, uh, may have forgotten to mention the dragons on the peak. In my defense, the drow enslave the people they take, while the dragons merely eat them. I apologize for the danger I put you in," the crestfallen elf replied. "But, may I ask, what do you mean dealt with?"

Amy spoke up. "He means we took care of them for good! They won't be bothering you or anyone else ever again. I think that calls for celebration, right? And maybe a special reward for the brave, brave adventurers that faced them down for you?"

["You're trying to milk more out of these people? Roll diplo," Jack told her.]

["Perform sing, got it! That's a 34!"]

"You're right, of course. On both counts. Let's see… this ring has been a personal possession of mine for a very long time. I took it off a dead Cheliaxian man who tried to conquer us. You may have it."

["In addition to the agreed-upon reward, Elder Maxim gives you a magic ring - ah, you're gonna identify it anyway, may as well tell you, it's a ring of force shield."]

["Oh, nifty!" Lia giggled. "I think we can all use that, actually…."]

["I'm thinkin' the best thing to do would be to shell out a little bit of extra gold to throw it on Shaheed's ring of sustenance. Homie has like negative a million AC," Louis supplied, to general agreement. "Anyway.…"]

Amy pressed him. "And what about the other thing I said? I think these people need a festival! I've got the music! No charge."

["You're gonna put on a performance for these people?" the GM asked.]

["Darn right I am. I'm a bard, it's what I do, right?"]

["You are not wrong," Tsuki said, approvingly.]

"I can agree with that," Haldan cut in, haughtily. "This desolate place could definitely use an excuse to live a little."

"I think you'd find it's not so… desolate if you gave it a chance, mage," the elf sniffed. "But yes. Feel free to use one of the empty yurts for the night, and we'll have a celebration all day tomorrow."

The night went by without incident, as did the next day's festival. In particular, Amy's magical keyboard was a smash hit. After the day ended, a hedge magician of the clan approached her.

"Friend, that right there is a marvel of music. Mind if I have a look at the enchantments on it? I might want to make one for myself. I can pay you a little for the right."

Amy's eyes lit up. "Of course! But you don't have to pay me a thing! Spreading the joy is what Shelyn's all about, you know. I, ah, I'd feel bad if I took money for that."

["Since when do adventurers turn down free money?" Andrew asked the air.]

["Since I became one!"]

["She's got you there, babe," Lia interjected.]

["I… I mean, she's not wrong…." Andrew stammered.]

["Actually altruistic adventurers. What has my life come to? Y'all are supposed to be murderhobos!" Jack lamented with exaggerated strain in his voice.]

["Excuse me? Murderhobos?" That was Monika, sounding rather indignant. "What does that even mean?"]

[Lia laughed at that. "Oh, you sweet summer child.]

[Jack decided to be helpful (for a change, Monika thought with a chuckle). "The stereotype about adventurers is that they're just killers for hire who travel from town to town taking care of what people want taken care of. The alignment box on your sheet just tells me who the acceptable targets are. Adventurers aren't known for settling down or even owning property period until they retire, either, and almost all their net worth is in their magic bling. Unless they spend it on a big fancy castle - or at least a proper wizard's tower, looking at you, Big El - or a fortress demiplane or something. Hence: murderhobo."]

[Monika raised an eyebrow at that description. Andrew jumped in with an explanation.]

["To be fair," he said, "adventurers are also usually too busy doing important things like saving the world to have time for settling down once they're at the level where they can afford it."]

["...Ah," she replied, slowly. "That… that's a little better. Speaking of which…"]

Amy spoke up suddenly, as the group was traversing the road back towards what counted as civilization. "So. What exactly are you guys doing out here? Adventurers like you must have stories, right?"

Haldan got a little twinkle in his eye as he matched pace with her. "Well, you know how our devil-worshiping friends in Cheliax are reliably a bunch of right assholes to their neighbors and they oh so very much love ye olde peculiar institution? Rumor has it they've been buddying up with the other evil, slaving collection of bad eggs - by which I mean the drow - and have struck a nice arrangement by which they and the drow get new slaves, the drow get some nice pay on the side, and the Chelish get to whittle away at their enemies without risking open warfare. It's just a rumor, like I said, but it's big if it's true. So, some Taldan noble has been paying us on the down-low to have a look into it. Which led to us going on a dungeon run last week that ended in Minrah here caving in the face of some drow mage…"

[Monika very poorly suppressed a smirk.]

"...and then on our way out, we… sort of ran headlong into your dragon buddies."

"The pay is nice," Grachus cut in, "but personally, Kruug and I would be chasing down this lead with or without money. Cheliax literally owns people. In the good year of our lord Aroden…"

["5718 AR," the GM supplied helpfully.]

"...5718 AR, Cheliax continues to own people. Not just that, but they're actively kidnapping people from other countries to do it."

Kruug was wearing the most furious look anyone in the party had seen in a long time. "I have been in Chelish camps. I have no intention of ever returning unless it's to burn them all to the ground and free every last one."

["Reimako, you're quiet. You got anything to add to the conversation?" Lia asked.]

[Tsuki laughed. "If you are willing to wake her up, perhaps! Reimako has been asleep on the cart for the past few hours."]

["Tsuki, you have a ring of sustenance," Andrew said, accusingly.]

["The item merely says its wearer only needs two hours of sleep. It does not say that I cannot choose to sleep for longer. And Reimako happens to enjoy sleeping, thank you very much."]

"Well, ah…" Amy paused in thought. "I don't like the idea of people being stuck in cages. I really, really don't. I would be happy to come along and help."

["Say, what time is it, by the way?" Jack asked. "I'm too lazy to dig my phone out."]

["It's getting a little late, dude, if that's what you're thinking," Shaheed said. "It's like nine thirty or something, I think."]

["Well then. Okay, everyone!" The GM clapped his hands together. "I think it might be a good time to call it. We added Amy to the party, you're almost back in town, you fucking one-rounded an old white dragon - no, seriously, I love ya but fuck you and your times four crit, Tsuki - and you all got your first real encounter as a level 7 party. Sorry we didn't get more social interaction for you, Monika, that'll come next week or the week after, I'm thinking about taking a one-week hiatus to do some long-term planning. Now giddafuckoutta my apartment. 'Cept you, Monika, I guess you can stay if you want."]

["Gee, thanks, babe."]

["See ya next time, bro!" Andrew said, already halfway out the door. "And good getting to play with you for real, Monika!" There was a general note of agreement from the rest of the group.]

["Aww, you too, everyone!" Monika beamed.]

##################################################

Monika

"That… actually went surprisingly well," I said, leaning back while Jack threw the leftover pizza in the fridge.

"For sure. You have fun, dear?"

"Yeah, actually! I don't think I did that much, but I think I've got a taste for this stuff. I really like the characters your friends put together. 'Specially Lia's and Louis's. And the stupid stuff they can do… like… holy crap, how is what Tsuki did even possible?"

"Because she built a character specifically to make me cry, that's why," Jack said with what I think was only mock indignation.

"I could totally steal her gun next week, if you want.…" I had a sly grin on my face.

"Good Lord, Monika, you're not playing a Kender. No. Just no. 'Sides, she probably could have done that just as easy with her backup pistol."

"Kender?" I'd never heard of a class or a species by that name before.

"Ask me next time you see me pissed off. The Kender rant is best delivered when you're already ready to punch a hole through a wall, trust me." He paused. "Anyway. I'm glad you had a good time tonight, babe. I was really hoping you'd like this stuff. Storytelling, with other people, getting to nerd out a bit, with a little bit of escapism thrown in? I knew you'd love it. Promise I'll get a little bit more for your character to do next week-"

"Jack." I stopped him. "It's fine! I had a great time! Honest!"

"I knowwwwww, but I'd still have liked to have gotten to give you a little more…"

"Ahahaha, shush!" I said, getting up from my chair. I marched right over to where he was standing and shoved him straight back against the wall (although, some days, he still forgets that I'm in better shape than he is, and this was one of them, so he hit the wall a little harder than I intended), putting a finger up to his lips before slowly it sliding down his chest. "You know what I hate about you? Sometimes, you just don't know when to shut up. So here's a hint!"

I grinned at him, before pushing him all the way back into the wall and kissing him as hard as I could. Tongue came out straight away, I was not fooling around… or, well, maybe I was, just a little bit. Jack's eyes shot open for a moment before slowly closing as he gave right in… and then suddenly spun us right around, pinning me against the wall. I laughed, pretty loudly actually, half from surprise and half with joy, as my legs came up and wrapped around him almost on their own, and from there my memory gets a little fuzzy. I do remember his hands all over me, roaming up and down, through my hair, under my shirt, down the back of my shorts, and mine all over him. I remember us stumbling back towards our room, one of our elbows - not that I have any clue whose - knocking a plate off the counter, and Jack fumbling with the lock on the front door on the way to the bedroom, both of us shedding clothes the whole way. I remember the absolute hunger he looked up at me with in the bed - and looking down at his body the same way, and how neither of us could get enough of each other by lip or by hand. And I remember collapsing down on top of him, exhausted, an unknown time later.

"Hey, princess?" Jack said, panting a bit, looking up at the ceiling as he stroked my hair.

"Yeah?" I replied, dreamily, still a little out of it.

"My God. You're fucking perfect, holy shit." Accentuating his point, he slowly, appreciatively traced a hand the whole way down my side, letting it rest on my hips. I moaned contentedly at the touch, nuzzling my head against his neck.

"Ahahahaha…" I wiped some sweat off my brow with a hand. "You're not too bad yourself, you know." I kissed his shoulder softly. "You're perfect too. I could never have dreamed of this a couple months ago…"

"Me neither. Would, uh, would you believe I used to fantasize about this too?"

"Really? Even when I was just a two-dimensional sprite?"

"I mean, I had to use my imagination a little bit, but yes. Plus… I could always, uh… outsource my imagination to other people too. You wouldn't believe how much fanart people made."

I did a double take as I parsed his statement. "You looked up porn of me? Like, there's actual porn of me out there and you looked it up?" That was… something to get my head around.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far…" Jack stammered.

"Oh my gosh, I don't even know where to start with that, ahahaha…" I chuckled a little just to let him know I wasn't mad at him. "I'm not sure whether to feel violated or flattered at that, really."

"I don't know how I'd feel in your place either. For what it's worth, there's about a billion times more tasteful art than, uh, how did they put it, lewd art out there. Hell, most of the time the, um, not safe for work stuff is just fixated on your thighs. Something of a meme, really."

"My thighs? Really? All because I had those nice black stockings on, or what?"

"Yeah, actually, and because, well…" he reached a little lower and gave an appreciative feel. "They are pretty nice." He chuckled a little. "But it's not like there was much, y'know, hardcore stuff or anything."

"Much?!" I whisper-shouted, indignantly.

"Yes. Not much!"

I could feel my face go beet red.

"Not much in relation to what?!"

"Well…" he began. "How do I put this…."

"Just come out and say it. Not like you could say anything more embarrassing, anyway."

"You asked for it. Well, you got off - heh, got off - pretty easy, yeah. Yuri, though… poor Yuri. People wrote stories about all of you, and while every single member of the club got a mix of wholesome and, uh, not wholesome stories and art… let's just say that finding wholesome things about Yuri was not easy."

I took that in. I suppose it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, but I still felt a little weird about hearing it. "You don't sound happy about that."

"Honestly, I'm not. I would have liked to see all of you find some happiness in people's work. But Yuri practically only ever found any when people wrote about her and Natsuki. And even that wasn't safe. There was some weird stuff out there. Although, same token, there's also a lot of heartwarming things people dreamed up about them. But almost none for just Yuri, especially for anything that wasn't just about getting her to stop hurting herself." Jack genuinely did sound almost wistful talking about it.

Ugh. I really didn't deserve Jack. Yuri would have loved him, and from the sounds of it, it would have been mutual. Surprisingly, I at least didn't feel jealous about it. Credit to Jack for being so freaking good to me, I guess. "First off, don't ever stop being such a sweetheart, you beautiful boy. Second… people wanted them to get together?"

"Absolutely. Hell, I kinda did too. I like to think they'd fit each other pretty well once they got past their surface differences, you know?"

I thought about it for a moment. "You know, I'm not sure you're wrong about that, honestly. I never really thought about it before, but you might be right. I don't know if either of them were really into girls, though, but then, who knows?"

Jack laughed, deep, right from his belly. Heartwarming experience, laying on top of him for it. "Come on. Natsuki was literally keeping track of how big Yuri's boobs were on a day-to-day basis. You can't even try to tell me that..."

"Wait, that happened? Jack, I don't even remember that!"

"You might not, but dozens of writers and artists sure did!" he pointed out.

"Touché. So, did people write that just because, well, guys are perverts, or what?"

"Surprisingly, not really. There was some of that, of course. Hell. You wanna hear something really weird?"

"Ah… what the heck, nothing can surprise me any more."

He winced at that, and I had a sinking feeling. "Once again, you asked for this, babe," Jack sighed. "So, y'know how Natsuki was always hungry? One writer decided that the logical solution to that was that Yuri could breastfeed her."

I was wrong. I was horribly wrong.

I rested there speechless for a good thirty seconds or so while I let that sink in.

"...You're not just messing with me, right?"

"Swear to God," he replied solemnly.

"...What the fuck."

Jack cackled. "You know, I've never once heard you say that without a, uh, very good reason..." he snickered with a wink.

"That is a very good reason! And a very bad time to flirt!"

"Babe, never Google yourself."

"Unreal. I'm never going to get my image out of my head now." I was still in shock.

"Anyway, my point was, sure, there's some of that, but most of the stuff about the two of them is… extremely sweet and wholesome. Lots of people really did just want to see them happy with each other. Same with you and Sayori, too. Not together, although uh, there were a couple of pieces about that, but I mean, like… there's a lot of really sweet stuff out there."

The idea of me and Sayori getting together was too much. It put a bit of a pit in my stomach. Truth be told, I always had found her at least a little bit attractive, if I'm being honest with myself, but… circumstances got in the way with that. And with what I'd done to her, I'd never be able to live with dating her. Sayori was an actual, literal angel. I'd never be able to give her what she deserved. The worst part, really, was that I knew that she'd never see it that way. Heck, she probably would willingly run off with me, still. That should have made me feel better, but in actuality it just made me hate myself for how badly I'd hurt her even more; I went out of my way to destroy her a little bit at a time when she couldn't have ever even comprehended resenting me for it, much less hurting me.

Jack noticed my silence, though. Bless him. Jack wasn't a perfect man by any stretch, but as far as I was concerned, he was perfect for me.

"I'm sorry for bringing her up, I shouldn't have," he whispered, pulling in as tight as he could manage. "Hey. Think of it this way. You know how I mentioned all of that stuff about other people writing happy endings for them?"

I nodded.

"Maybe what happened to you happened to them, too, somewhere else. Maybe somewhere else in the world, all three of them are happy. It's not impossible. Hell, I don't know what brought you here to me, so maybe it's not just not impossible - depending on what made it happen, it might be a statistical certainty. So maybe Sayori's happy in somebody's arms right now like you are right here." Jack gently brushed my hair aside and kissed my temple. "Take some comfort in that."

...I had to admit, that made a certain degree of sense. It didn't wipe away my guilt, but… it was something.

"Wait, but there's… millions of people who played the game, right? What if there's a million other… mes out there?"

That actually made him think for a minute or so, before he replied, with measured words. "Monika, if that had happened, we'd know about it. Somebody would have gone on Reddit or 4chan or Facebook or VKontakte or Weibo or literally any other social media and posted a picture of it and a bunch of other people would have said, oh, hey, that happened to me too, and there'd be a media shitstorm about it, and they'd probably burn Dan Salvato at the stake as a witch." Jack took a breath.

"And if it's not every Monika, but there's definitely one Monika, that being you, then, given how many unique copies of the game there are, it doesn't make sense that there'd be any arbitrary number in between that'd be low enough for that not to have happened. Unless, of course, whatever process made this happen was so arbitrary and random, or functioned on such esoteric criteria, that we couldn't possibly account for it. I think we can be pretty safe in the idea that there's only one of you out there for now."

The debate club side of my brain ran over that looking for flaws. I couldn't immediately find any, and nodded; he continued. "Which, incidentally, means that there's either one of each or zero of the other club members, of course. Logical consistency and all that; either it's just you, or it's just a literature club thing, and if it's the latter, there's no immediately apparent reason it'd be different for them in favor of there being more."

Dang, who taught him logic? That's some brains.

Jack must have noticed me spacing. "Louis is going for an MBA and he minored in philosophy. Says it looks good on the application and it's really helpful. Anyway, he occasionally lectures me on logic and stuff when we go out places - hell, sometimes I just go over to his and Shaheed's place and that's what we do. Can't get away with inconsistency around a philosophy degree."

"Wow, your friends are even bigger nerds than you are," I chuckled, giving my boyfriend a shove.

"Yeah, no wonder you fit right in!" he shot back.

"Oooh, that hurts..."

"Yeah, well, so does my shoulder, but you don't hear me complaining."

"Dick."

Jack laughed. "Nah, enough of that for the night."

I put on my best pouty face. "Aw, don't tell me you'd turn me down?" I playfully climbed up and buried his face in my chest. Neither of us had bothered to put anything back on just yet, which I fully and happily took advantage of.

"Mmmmmmphmmphmmph…" It sounded like he was trying to laugh, but, who would have guessed, it was hard to talk in the position Jack was in.

And then I felt his hands slowly feeling their way up my sides… turns out, the answer was no.

What can I say? I get what I want.

##################################################

A/N2: Yeah. That crit actually happened. I was pretty salty about it, too. Like. "Wait, that's a 20. And firearms have an x4 crit mult. And she has a ton of flat damage, between her dexmod, Deadly Aim, Craven… oof." If you've ever GM'd, you know this pain. If you haven't… consider yourself lucky. And in general, the party's rolls were bonkers. That dragon had an AC of 31. This was a level 7 party. The only two people who can hit touch AC in the party are Andrew and Tsuki. And yet we're looking at like a 70% hit rate or some such. Bardic Music plus haste plus flanking plus divine favor is a hell of a drug.

Also, enjoy the fluff bit at the end. I sort of just let them hop into bed and after the fun times were over I let Jack and Monika just talk in my brain and wrote down what came out. And yes, Jack consumed a very healthy amount of fan content between the release of the game and the time of the story! And in particular, I'd like to give a shout-out to Fog and the Flame, Redphienix's excellent Natsuyuri fic. It's incredible, perfect, better than my piece of trash writing in every way, and was the inspiration for Jack's heartfelt little bit about people trying to give the dokis a happy ending. That and Wrangle_Wolfe's amazing A Taste of Reality and especially its spinoff gift fic Have a little 'Faith' by eJ121.

Seriously, I don't just write these things out of love for the dokis, or for my own enjoyment. A Little Bit of Monika is as much a love letter to the incredible DDLC community as it is to Monika. I love each and every one of you, you incredibly talented bastards. (And that goes for those of you who are just readers and don't do art of your own, too!)

A final post-note: while I definitely do lament the lack of wholesome Yuri content and share that opinion with Jack, I should make clear that I don't mind the existence of lewds in any form. Seriously. "It's called hentai, and it's art."

...now do ya boy a fuccin' favor and leave some feedback you nerds