If he brings up current events, you say: “Yeah, I’m not sure what net neutrality is, either.”

With the world nervously wondering which day will be our last, courtesy of North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is proposing the United States and North Korea begin talks, any kind of talks, about any topic, even something as trivial as — in Tillerson’s words — whether the table they sit around would be round or square. Sounds like the former Exxon exec’s small talk skills could use a little oil. Here are some ideas, Rex. Who knows? You two may even strike up a friendship before the first strike:


If there’s an awkward silence, you say: “Yep, the name Rex is non-traditional for humans. But in our country, Kim is a girl’s name and our Supreme leader was Diana Ross. She’s a very talented singer, perhaps you’ve heard of her?”

If he shows you family photos, you say: “So, do you have any other siblings; I mean, living siblings?”

If he brings up music, you say: “Who’s your favorite K-POP member?”

If you’re towering over him, confide in him by revealing something about another tall American he knows: “What do you really think of Dennis Rodman? You know, in America, he’s also considered a bit off. I think he dated Madonna!”

If he asks you to get him some modern technology, like, say a transistor radio or a color television, you say: “I like that show, M*A*S*H, but Hot Lips and Frank? I still don’t see it. I’d have gone for Hawkeye, myself, but no need to mention that to anybody.”

If you’re feeling confident and want to broach the topic of nuclear weaponry, you can try: “Why do you think they call it Uranium ‘cake’ anyway? I mean, what? Do you put candles in it?”


He may ask about our Christmas movies. If he does, you can say: “No, you see, the point is that he imagined Clarence. Clarence isn’t real. So when he goes back to town, he can still make life wonderful again! What’s that? No, nobody knows what kind of name ZuZu is in our country, either.”

Some other neutral conversation lines to try: “That’s funny, but, no, it’s S-O-U-L Cycle, not Seoul Cycle.”

Or, “I think Meghan will be good for Harry, and Diana would definitely approve. What do you think?”

Or, “If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, living or . . . er, I mean, do you like any sports?”

Finish up by giving him your cell, you know, just in case the rumors are true, so he can still reach out. We’ll be on the lookout for mushroom clouds as a sign of how it went.

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped.