UPDATE: This story was taken from a satirical website and the facts cannot be linked to an actual news source. I was fooled, but still hoping that this story exists somewhere in the Universe.

Celebtricity

An 11-year-old 5th grade entrepreneur from Houston, Texas has recently been expelled for simply pursuing the American Dream.

The boy, sorry *grown ass man, was turning a hefty profit by pimpin his classmates for $3 kisses and $2 hugs.

Authorities estimate that in the three months, the grown ass man raked in close to $500, which is more than my weeks pay and I have $70,000 in student loans. I can’t even stand toe-to-toe with a fucking fifth grader, at least until I receive my tax returns.

The principal of his school responded to the incident,

“He was running this business of exploiting his young female classmates for nearly 3 months before getting caught. We became suspicious that something was going on, when lunch attendance began to dwindle. We have had 27 boys and 5 girls come forward admitting they were paying this “wanna be pimp” $3 for a 10 second make out session and $2 for a 15 second hug which included unnecessary groping. The 8 female children he recruited, never got a red cent.”

Boys and girls? Interesting business model, but a playa’s gotta expand his reach. Not mad about it.

An interesting plot twist and potential motivation for the thriving business may root in the fact that the boy comes from a family with financial troubles. His family is reportedly on welfare. The parents have denied any involvement in the scheme.

The Sheriff’s Department, however, is looking to press charges on the man’s parents, including 32 charges of solicitation of a minor, child endangerment, child neglect, and one charge of raising the child we all wanted to be.

Here it is, boys and girls. Another prime example of the Pussification of America. Back when America was America, this dude would have been coined ‘Student of the Month’ and would have been invited to the White House, where he and Clinton would drink Scotch and eat Dunkaroos while getting beamers from the secretary’s. Those days are over, and now this kind of shit is cool as long as it’s done by a hipster from Cal Berklee in between shifts at a douchey coffee shop.

Getty Image / SASCHA SCHUERMANN/AFP/Getty Images

[H/T Celebtricity]