Today’s rags have just landed on the Mill’s desk with a hearty thump, so let’s get straight to work. Turns out that, when Luis Suárez plunged his incisors into Branislav Ivanovic in 2013, he may have been biting the hand that would later feed him. The word on the street is that Chelsea will make Suárez their top priority if a) Antonio Conte is sacked after taking the club to the unprecedented depths of fourth place and b) Luis Enrique succeeds him.

So, to summarise: if A happens then B may happen, and if B happens then C may also happen. This isn’t a Rumour Mill, it’s a Rumour Flow Chart.

West Ham in talks with Patrice Evra over potential short-term deal Read more

Barcelona’s old chums Real Madrid are gearing up for a summer of making every other club in the world feel financially inadequate. They have reportedly arranged a secret meeting with Paris Saint-Germain haircut Neymar – so secret that it was reported before it had even happened – and have noted with interest Robert Lewandowski’s eyelashes only flutter when he is looking in their direction. Just as Eli Cash always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, so Lewandowski always wanted to be a galáctico.

Madrid also want Eden Hazard. If they get him, Chelsea will ask in return for Marco Asensio and a refrigerator packed to the brim with bank notes.

Madrid’s plan to sign absolutely everyone should mean a return to England for Gareth Bale, with Manchester United his likeliest destination. If Bale does join United, it may be in part exchange for David de Gea, who is still Madrid’s No 1 choice to be their No 1 choice. That is despite some unsubtle flirting from Thibaut Courtois, who has been strutting round like the Diet Coke bloke in front of the Madrid hierarchy.

Arsenal will troll the trolls by signing a defender, probably Juventus’s Daniele Rugani, in the summer. They are still keen on Monaco’s Thomas Lemar, as are Liverpool; an increasingly fractious game of chessboxing between Arsène Wenger and Jürgen Klopp will decide Lemar’s destination.

Last and essentially least, Spurs manager Mauricio Pochettino can’t take his eyes off the Hamburg teenager Jann-Fiete Arp, who may be available on the cheap if the club are relegated.