Sorry, socialist scolds, you're not going to make me feel guilty. Being rich is fantastic. It is wonderful. It is gargalingadong—which is a word describing the pleasure of wealth that cannot be translated into poor talk. (audience laughter)

The problem is, sometimes when I'm a-richin' around town, I will accidentally catch a glimpse of a non-rich person. Then I get a funny feeling in my heart. Apparently, I have an allergy to non-wealthy people called empathy. My doctor says there may never be a cure because it's not a disease.

(to different camera) Please, give generously.

Fortunately, the free market has found a way to make the one percent feel 99 percent better, and it brings me to tonight's Wørd: See No Equal.

All too often, we super-wealthy find ourselves coming in contact with the money-disabled. (The Handicashed) But soon, we could all be saved that unpleasantness, thanks to the example set by a new apartment complex here in New York City.



FOX5 (7/22/2014): A controversial ruling in New York City ... a developer's plan to include a "poor door" in a luxury apartment complex. FOX & FRIENDS (7/21/2014): The building will have 219 units overlooking the waterfront, and 55 affordable units that face the street. The idea sparking backlash because it requires affordable living tenants to enter the building using a separate door through a back alley.

Yes, a poor door. Because if I don't see something I don't want to know about, it doesn't exist. And that makes me happy. (Why Stevie Wonder Is Always Smiling.)

Folks, it's just like the old saying, "Out of sight, out of sight." (And Out Of Spite!)

And I believe that separate doors are great. As another luxury home builder David Von Spreckelsen recently Von Spreckeled:

(audience boos)

Yes, they get to live in a new building in a great neighborhood. What else do they want, dignity? Now who's greedy? (For Answer: Send $5!)

And folks, if you think about it, there is a sound moral principle behind separate wealth-based entrances. Jesus himself said:

(audience laughter and applause)

If anything, folks, I believe just one poor door is not enough. 'Cause if I'm paying over $25 million dollars for a penthouse apartment, why should I have to be stuck in an elevator with whatever vagrant is dwelling in the $15 million dollar hovel one floor beneath me? Under $20 million dollars? What is this, Bangladesh? (Or Worse, Queens?) (shocked audience reaction)

Now, poor doors are just the latest in a trend that helps us haves not have to see the have-nots. I mean, we haves get skyboxes instead of bleachers, personal shoppers instead of going to a store, and at airports, first class has its own TSA lane. (Pat Down With Full Release.)

I mean, even the Happiest Place on Earth is happier for us, because we can pay up to an extra $500 dollars an hour to skip to the front of lines at Disneyworld. Even better, we get to meet Snow White's top secret eighth dwarf. ("Upper-Crusty.") (audience laughter)

But, as exclusive as all these perks are, I think occasionally, I still run into average people, like my chauffeur or my chef. (Or Toothpaste Sommelier.) And I just gotta say, what is the point of being rich if you can't be left alone with your money? (Me, Myself, And I.R.A.)

That's all we ask. There must be a simple way to get away from average people. I don't need a penthouse. I'd settle for something small and luxurious, maybe a tiny silk-lined apartment with a pillow to lay my head on. Just room for one. Carved from a single piece of mahogany, with beautiful brass handles for six of my servants to carry me up to my country place. It's not a big piece of land, but at least it's in a gated community.

And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.