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I am from St. Louis, and I have to do the unthinkable this Sunday. I have to root for the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl.

I am aware it’s basically the football equivalent of rooting for the Death Star to blow up Yavin 4. It is a terrible position, but one that the NFL and it’s ownership has forced upon us. Stan Kroenke took our town on a two year “Will They/ Wont They” ride, and left the city in a financial rut with an unpaid stadium, and we have every right to still be mad about it.

Guy drives up-tosses St. Louis Rams gear w/ love notes to Kroenke + Goodell written on it out car window-speeds off pic.twitter.com/Bmp2vxv8vv — David Carson (@PDPJ) January 13, 2016

Look, I get it.

We understand the move to a point. Were the Rams a good team when they played in St. Louis? Not really, save for “The Greatest Show on Turf”. Were the games really well attended? Well with the Cardinals and Blues usually in fighting shape, the Rams had a tendency to get lost in the fray of St. Louis sports… BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. Most of us in St. Louis looked on the team the way we look on our signature pizza chain “Imo’s”. Sure, it’s terribly thin, cheese product covered pizza, but it is OUR terribly thin, cheese product covered pizza.

The fact that Kroenke stole away our team, only to turn an extra buck and make a mediocre at best reality television program is a slap on the face to our whole city. Allowing the L.A. Rams (hurts to type) to win a Super Bowl will just prove to Kroenke that he was right to move the team, and that it something we simply can NOT allow. If I have to root for Billy and Tommy to see that through, THEN SO BE IT.

So, for all you St. Louis folk out there, as much as it pains me to say, here’s a list of things to focus on when rooting for the Patriots. Tom Brady’s smarmy half smile makes me want to punch a wall, but we’ve got to focus on the positives we can find.



1. Appreciate the Gameplay. Hint: Think Céline Dion

The Patriots are objectively very good at football. At the end of the day, it’s why most other teams hate them in the first place. They win games. If you can separate all the emotions from hating this team, and just appreciate the fundamentals, you might be able to make it through. Tom Brady can throw intelligently, the team expertly executes blocks and routes, it’s football played the way it’s supposed to be played.

The best analogy that I can come up with is Céline Dion. Look, does she have the best songs in the world? Not Particularly. Do I find myself seeking out her work to listen to casually? Never. But every once in a while you find yourself in the produce aisle of the Super Food Town and Céline’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” comes over the store speakers, and she hits that key change as you move into baked goods and that “Baby! Baby! Baby!” leaves you SHOOK.

If you need more convincing, watch the video below. Watch her commitment to such a silly premise of a music video, and watch this woman sing her Canadian brains out.

Tom Brady is the Céline Dion of Football. No matter what you think of him, the guy throwing footballs is the sports equivalent of Lady Céline’s crazy singing prowess. If someone leans over to you and say’s “What do you think of Brady?” all you have to say is “There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light”.



2. Embrace Herd Mentality.

Most people that are going out of their way to spend time with friends on Super Bowl Sunday don’t really care about the game itself. They are there for the commercials and Susan’s Buffalo chicken dip. (those blue cheese crumbles, though. Susan.) But from my experience over the past few years of Super Bowls that have included the New England Patriots, there is always that one guy who REALLY wants the Patriots to win, and he is going to talk to EVERYBODY about it.

Usually, this person wants to find the people at the party who are rooting for the other team or just hate the Patriots on principle. The opportunity to flaunt their superiority and talk trash is really the only social interaction they are looking for. You reluctantly rooting for the Patriots means that you get to bypass all of this completely.

The scene will play out as follows:



Pats Fan: YO, You know those Pats are gonna give it to those loser Rams, RIGHT !? You: Yup. *gritted teeth* I hope they win tonight. Pats Fan: ….oh. cool ….Go PATS…..so…..see yah later, I’m gonna go grab some of Susan’s Buffalo chicken dip.



And it’s done. Enjoy the relentless parade of Geico ads in peace. You have Tom Brady to thank for that, and that ain’t nothing.



3. Join in on the Heist.

The Patriots cheat. Don’t @ me. From recording coaches calling plays to “deflate-gate”, its undeniable that this team thinks the rules only apply if you get caught. In order to root for this team, you need to stop being such a narc and embrace how PUNK ROCK that is.

You need to watch the entire game as if it’s one big Ocean’s 11 reboot, and Billy and the boys are getting one over on the National Football League. Spend all the replays searching for clues for whatever you think they could possibly be trying to pull this year. Maybe OVER inflating the balls, maybe Belichick got cosmetic surgery to look exactly look like one of the referees and they are pulling a very elaborate body switch, perhaps building an exact replica of the stadium and highjacking the broadcast to show them winning a fake game against a bunch of photorealistic scarecrows.

They are a bunch of Rascals, these Patriots. If you can root for anything, you can root for a team who will do anything to win, even if it involves a bunch of old T-shirt guns and the Goodyear Blimp.

4. Expand the Mascot Fiction.

My own personal fantasy is that instead of hiring the Hessian Mercenaries during the Revolutionary War, the British instead hired a horde of anthropomorphized sheep men . All my favorite founding fathers from Hamilton take up arms against the invading forces in a very tastefully shot battle royale. Is there anything more patriotic than a bunch of musketeers murdering an entire horde of sheep minotaurs while rapping? …whatever it takes to get you there, is all I’m saying.

5. Enjoy the Consistency.

In recent history, more often than not the Patriots are in the Super Bowl. As much as it’s a bummer, it’s comfortable. Very much like getting a sandwich from Subway. Never your first choice, but you know exactly what your getting. It is going to taste exactly like every other Subway sandwich you’ve ever had. Is it a good sandwich? Not Particularly. Subway might as well be French for “When there’s really nothing else around”, or “I only have a 30 minute lunch break”. But at the end of the day, it lives up to it’s expectations, even if they weren’t that high to begin with. There’s comfort in that.

The Patriots are probably gonna win the Super Bowl. It’s a nightmare reality, but one we’ve come to expect. Not ever my first choice, but I’ve been at the DMV all day and it was the first thing I saw that was open. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your football on 6 inches of kinda stale honey wheat.

Cheese Louise does this look delicious. pic.twitter.com/rFvAPBENEt — SUBWAY® (@SUBWAY) January 24, 2019

To all my St. Louis folks. Hold tight, we’re gonna get through this. Its gonna suck, but you have got to root for New England one way or the other. Think of it a cauterizing the wound that Stan and the Rams left us with. It’s gonna burn like hell, but its gonna leave a badass scar.