The first Marine cryogenically frozen didn’t fare so well.

TWENTY-NINE PALMS, CA ‑ Third Battalion, Fourth Marines recently received orders from Headquarters Marine Corps to archive their guidon and guidon bearer Sergeant Bob Garret, along with the rest of the battalion, at the conclusion of their last OEF deployment in the Spring of 2014.

The decision to disband 3/4, also known as “Darkside,” is a small part in the hierarchical grand scheme of Headquarters Marine Corps to reduce the standing total force from 202,000 to 186,800 Marines.

“Archiving” will require the entire battalion to be cryogenically frozen.

General Mattis commented on why this specific Battalion was chosen to disband: “Those [3/4] bitches should never have surrendered on Corregidor.” He stopped briefly to punch one of his aides in the xiphoid process, killing him almost instantly. “There you have it. We all thought it, I just said it.”

The 3/4 Battalion Commander, LtCol Kenney, was more sympathetic to his battalion. “That brain dead General Mattis. He’s been in so many years and killed so many people, he just doesn’t have the right mindset anymore. We’re [3/4] the trend setters here in the Corps. No one before us ever surrendered and no one has ever cryo’d their own guys neither! We’re making waves, and being noticed by everyone above us. The mission isn’t killing people anymore, its about looking good in front of your peers. Mission accomplishment above troop welfare, anyone?”

TDB reporters contacted the Commandant of the Marine Corps by telephone. “Well, it seems to me that we are entering a time of peace,” commented General Amos. “We just have no use for the GWOT [Global War On Terror] Marines anymore. This is a time that we need to get back to what the Marine Corps does best: Good Conduct Ribbons and putting on shows. We don’t need those combat ‘war on terror’ Marines tearing up bars, or—Heaven forbid—countries, like they did Fallujah anymore.” He concluded, “Look at me! I don’t even have a CAR [Combat Action Ribbon] and look where I made it to.”

Headquarters Marine Corps is making preparations to receive the guidon and bearer in a secure facility at Quantico, Virginia. “What we have here,” explained Sgt Tony Gonzalez, a spokesperson for the Marine Corps’ new archival process, “is a third generation, ‘Semper Sleep’ cryogenic longevity chamber.” The phalanx-shaped shaft of the chamber rests centered between two spherical wheels so that it can be paraded around in any public affairs event. A large Eagle Globe and Anchor is proudly affixed at the top, and on the glass in the front of the container is stenciled “BREAK IN CASE OF WAR!” However warning labels clearly advise: “Not intended for use against the Japanese.”

The tour concluded at a large hangar that housed an entire battalion of cryogenic chambers, all in parade review formation. “This,” Sgt Gonzalez said with an outstretched hand, “is for the rest of the Marines who are deemed too violent for the new Marine Corps but don’t wannna get out. Infantrymen can contact this local career planner and reserve a spot for a the future war.” Starting with 3/4, but soon to be open to any infantry unit, is an opportunity to reserve a chamber to be awoken in the midst of our nation’s most desperate hour.

Upon further questioning, Sgt Gonzalez attempted to explain the science behind flash-freezing an entire body at temperatures below the boiling point of liquid nitrogen. However, when asked about the success rate for thawing and maintaining a successful post-cryo life, the spokesman simply held his cell phone to his ear and pretended to speak to his Staff Sergeant until reporters left the compound.

Marines assigned to 3/4 have differing opinions concerning the controversial process. Private First Class Allen Key explained, “Cryo is like what Austin Powers did.”

“That has nothing to do with anything, you ass hat!” interrupted Pfc Edward Palmer. “It isn’t a giant ice block, it is a chamber like in the movie ‘Avatar.’”

The interview was abruptly cut short by Corporal Heinrichs, their squad leader; who called them both “Dumb boots!” and told them to “go clean something!” Most Marines, however, voiced their concern for their guidon bearer’s post-cryo safety in a “Pandorum”-type setting. “Man, wouldn’t it blow if he just woke up and like, there were aliens all over the place? But the aliens were us!” said a concerned Cpl Richards, Kilo Company’s guidon bearer.

3/4’s guidon Bearer Sergeant Garrett could not be reached for an interview, and was last seen by his roommates four days prior placing his CAC ID card on his inventoried military gear. At press time, he was still UA.