By Janet Bloomfield and Esmé Climont

Size matters. Sorry, dudes, it does. But here's the secret women don't want you to know: you can't do anything about it, but we can. The fact is that during sex we like our vaginas feeling full, but since they can stretch so much they can pass a baby's head, it's mostly our problem not yours. If we do this thing called kegel exercises, to get a firm (ahem) grip, we can get just as much pleasure out of an average or even smaller-than-average penis as we can out of some guy who's hung like a horse—in fact, maybe even more pleasure, since the bigger the dick the less control we can exert. So all those little-dick jokes women make? Ignore them. You can't really make your dick bigger or smaller, and most medical solutions can do real damage to guys. But almost any woman can exercise the va-jay-jay well enough to have fun with almost any sized Johnson. So the next time some chick makes a joke about little dicks, whether you have a small one or not, just ask her why her coochie's so flabby that it matters so much to her.

Ladies are crybabies. Women cry more than men. We didn't say they're more emotional, just that they cry more. That tends to elicit either a protective response, or a "jesus-christ-get-me-the-hell-out-of-here" response from you dudes. It turns out this is partly physiological; women have more shallow tear ducts than men, so what might get you a little misty-eyed can pour out like a waterfall on our faces. And here's the dirty secret: sometimes we're crying because we're genuinely emotional, but some of us cry because we've figured out it's easy for us to do and it gets us what we want. How to tell the difference between genuine emotions you might want to do something about, versus a manipulative bitch? Well if mostly all she wants from you is a tissue or maybe a hug, she's crying for real. If she's crying because you just caught her out in a lie, wants to go to the restaurant SHE wants, a new pair of shoes, or to get you to commit to a relationship you aren't sure you want, you're being manipulated, and it's time to get the hell out of there.

Bitches be crazy. Every 28 days, women go through a complete emotional cycle thanks to hormones that took millions of years to evolve. The good news is that the human race continues to thrive. The bad news is in order for that to happen, women need to produce estrogen and that affects their moods. Despite everything you've heard about testosterone causing aggression, the science shows that estrogen also causes anger, irritability, mood swings, and aggression. And women have lots more of it than you. So it's part of our biology, and the cycle looks something like this: happy – happy – kind of happy – wait, what?- are you fucking kidding me? - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU – happy – happy –kind of happy… It takes years before men begin to realize that their women are actually very predictably crazy. Keep in mind that you being an asshole—or just sitting around the wrong way—can trigger our hormonal rage response, and then get a menstrual app so you'll know if it's a good day to bring up that trip to Vegas with the boys you've been planning. Also…

There's a sweet spot between being a domineering asshole and a doormat, and we want you to find it. OK, this is totally unfair to you, and worst of all, most women don't even want to admit this is a thing, but here we go: we kind of like guys being in charge a lot of the time, and we like guys protecting us—and sometimes, whether we're doing it consciously or unconsciously, we "shit test" you just to see if you've got what it takes to stand up to us. There's this hidden thought we can't help having: "If he won't stand up to me, he won't stand up to the bear or barbarian that's attacking me and the kids." So we'll poke you and prod you and see if we can get you to do things—and the real response we're looking for, whether we admit it or not, is for you to put your foot down and say "no." An angry, yelly, frustrated "no" can upset or scare us, but a firm, and—dare we say it?—manly response of "that's not a rational request, I'm not doing that" or just plain "no, and that's final" is the best way to cut off irrational requests and irrational behavior. And while we don't like to admit it, sometimes it's even a turn-on, even if it makes us mad for a little while.

We can be childish, and biology is a part of it. Dudes can be childish too, no question, but remember that part about how we cry easier? Well that's not the end of it. There's this phenomenon in biology called "neoteny," wherein some members of a species retain infant or adolescent traits into full adulthood. This has been found in a lot of species, and humans are no exception. Human females are more neotenous than males. That means we tend to be smaller, we're less hairy, our skin is softer, we cry more easily, our voices are higher, and so on. So yes, we just said it: we're more childlike in appearance. But here's the trick: we're still full on adults and on average we're just as smart as you. Humans tend to have protective instincts towards women that are similar to their protective instincts toward children. This can cause sexism, but it's a sexism that cuts both ways: sometimes it causes guys to be condescending to us when that's totally uncalled for. On the other hand, it can work to our advantage, and if we're being assholes we'll manipulate your protective instincts to get you to do our bidding. This instinct to protect women who don't deserve it or need it can trigger what some call the "white knight" impulse, and it can result in you acting stupid over a female who doesn't deserve your protection or even your sympathy. There's nothing much you can do about this except be aware of it, because manipulative and selfish women will use it to their advantage against you, or to get you to do their dirty work for them. Learning how not to fall for it is a good way to have healthier relationships with women, and it'll probably stop you from enabling psychotic, dysfunctional women to get away with shit they shouldn't.