Why did I temporarily deactivate myself from social media? I’ve been mulling over how to write about this, without it sounding like I am preaching some sort of a position – because, I don’t have one. My natural inclination would be to do all this homework and share with you facts and statistics about the impact that social media has on our lives. But what I would like to do instead, is share my experience—my heartfelt experience—not for your judgment, but for your understanding, on why I left it all.

For me, it came down to a broken heart. It’s that simple—simple, but not at all easy. I walked away (or electronically removed myself) from a long distance relationship that I felt wasn’t going anywhere; he just wasn’t ‘fighting’ enough for me. As a result, (and as recently broken up people often do), I found solace in my friends. I actually made a new female ‘friend,’ that I thought was as excited about our friendship as I was—boy, was I mistaken. She mistook my friendship for something else, decided to cut ties with me and share that story on her own terms with someone who knew me.

The combination of these two events was a perfect storm in my heart. Ordinarily, a platonic friend deciding they want nothing to do with me wouldn’t make a dent in my psyche. I am blessed to have numerous friends that I can lean on. But in the sensitized state of a break up with a man I loved, this small thing, hurt in a big way.

I couldn’t risk seeing his status updates. It was just too painful, so I deactivated my Facebook. As for the friend, social media became her platform for emotional terrorism. I was not only being rejected for being me, but now I was being punished for it too. One little thing, such as an “unfollowing” or “unfriending” became such an incident. Instagram became a minefield, SnapChat a warzone, and it all became too much.

At first I thought leaving social media would make me lonely. But what happened next surprised me. There is a charming freedom that comes with not checking social media to validate your feelings. I found peace in trusting that those who I consider friends, will let me know the events of their lives by actually connecting with me personally and vice versa. And guess what, they did.

I am done (for now) with the pretense that being on and present on social media is the be all and end all of who I am in the 21st century—as a woman, as an actor, as a friend, as a who-ever-gives-a-____. I am done giving the power to dictate my feelings to the social media gods.

I got off Instagram and said bye to SnapChat! Twitter chilled too, but oh Facebook, we are on an indefinite break. The only negative thing to come out of my break from Facebook was putting up with its 7 day policy, that makes me disable it to stay deactivated, every week. It’s not helping and it’s sadly like bumping into a luke-warm ex every week at Starbucks.

After some months off of these social media sites, I regained some emotional strength and decided that I can handle being back on Instagram. So I rejoined the photo driven social media site. I curate who I follow carefully (mostly people I don’t know, but who inspire me and make me giggle fiercely). Twitter is the place where my random thoughts go, because they should go somewhere, and SnapChat is just for fun now. Facebook and I are on ice however and neither my manager nor my agents have tried to talk me into going back.

Do I feel out of the loop? No. I feel awesome. I feel more present and more connected. When I chat with someone, I am actually listening and actively participating in the conversation. I am in no rush to add them to anything but my life and my heart. When I want to know how someone is doing, I call them or text them (though, I prefer calling). I am off my phone more. I am in life more. I hear things, see things and feel things.

My sense of intuition is back, maybe because I am not as distracted. My senses of being manipulated and taken advantage of are heightened and most importantly I am awake for my own experiences. The things that matters to me—who I am and how I feel—are based on my own understanding and not on a false social comparison.

Now, I am not suggesting that we all get off of social media. I am simply stating that it may not be as vital a tool for all of us. What I am saying though, is that I am grateful to the break up and to the ‘friend,’ for enlightening me on a bigger scale.

I can’t give you a breakdown of the econometrics of my heart, mind and soul – I can just tell you this: Since disconnecting, I feel far more connected to me and those who I love in my life.

— Mona Mossayeb