Or, Lexie just finished re-reading Peter’s Evil Overlord List.

Its my birthday (in a day or so) and I wanted to do something fun. So why not see if you my minions the readers have what it takes to be an Evil Overlord! This is inspired by Can You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse? by Max Brallier, How to Rule the World by Andre de Guillaume, Peter’s Evil Overlord List plus lord knows how many fantasy novels.

I also want to point out this is all for fun, not meant to be taken seriously and no one is allowed to comment on my writing ability (or lack thereof) because its my birthday and you don’t want to make the birthday girl CRY do you?

SCENE 1

You have successfully toppled your nation’s monarchy after years of hard work and perseverance. Your army is tired, your advisers are mostly unharmed (the cowards fled when the bloodshed began) and kneeling, albeit reluctantly, at your feet are the former King, Queen, High Prince and two Princesses.

“You’ll never get away with this!” the King rages, in a truly predictable fashion.

“Already have!” you gleefully reply drawing your sword. “Now then, I give you two choices–exile or death. Which do you choose?”

“Neither!” the King hollers.

You motion forward several guards. “Then by default you have chosen death. Guards! Please escort his former Majesty and his formerly Royal family to the waiting room for the executioner” Looking down at the King you shrug, “He’s very busy right now. Sorry about that, it might be a day or so before he gets to you lot.”

As you turn away you hear a furious conversation between the King and Queen which finally culminates in a grunt as the Queen elbowed the King forcibly. “You er–that is, ah…” the King flounders unsure how to address you but you wave it away, you have plenty of time to come up with a a suitable title. “We choose exile. Please.”

DO YOU? Send them to their deaths anyway. You really hate wishy-washy people.

Graciously allow them to run off somewhere out of your hair

Offer to marry one of the Princesses and let her choose what should happen. View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

If you chose (1)–good job getting rid of the threat but don’t forget rules 4, 6, 13 and 38 of Peter’s Evil Overlord Checklist.

If you chose (2)–what the blue blazes are you doing you utter fool? MERCY? You do realize they will go to another country and raise an army to take control back right?

If you chose (3)–do NOT trust the pretty one, or the overly flirtatious one, or the one who seems intent on being the one you choose. The plainer sister, who seems bookish and bored, possibly even sarcastic, will appreciate you more for it. Marry her immediately and share power equally.

SCENE 2

You’ve recently, through some weird happenstance and happy fate, come into possession of an artifact of immense power. World Ending Power. And no, its not a ring.

Several of your well-intentioned, but narrow minded friends, think it would be a good idea to get rid of this artifact of power quickly. They even have a number of annoying proverbs and sayings to quote at you to prove their point. You promise to only do good to appease them.

You start small–stop a band of bandits from killing your neighbors. Save a drowning kid from the river. Heck you even put out a fire that would have wiped out your town.

You begin to realize however that you are very, very powerful. One day, when the local tavern owner tells you to pay up, you casually slide the powerful artifact out and toy with it, recounting what you did to those bandits. Another day you convince the fiancee of the girl you’ve been in love with for years to move far, far away. Without her.

You don’t see any harm in your actions, after all its not like you’re killing people. Not directly. Its not your fault the tavern keeper was so traumatized by your story he drank himself stupid and fell off the cliff by his house. Or that the young man you scared away met with an evil sorcerer who killed him and stole his soul.

Your well meaning, but seriously deluded and jealous friends, once again implore you to throw the artifact away. They try to appeal to your humanity and remind you of what a good person you are. A good weak powerless person. Didn’t go over well as you can imagine.

DO YOU? Have your friends arrested for high treason, order a very public display of your displeasure, and make some veiled threats. How much more merciful can you get?

Take their advice to heart and dispose of the artifact. You'd rather be powerless and good, then powerful and evil.

Offer a compromise. View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

If you chose (1)–you likely have cemented your power, but to be extra certain have their families executed.

If you chose (2)–why are you even bothering? I mean honestly. You gave up absolute power because your friends, who know nothing about power, told you it was a bad thing? DIE FOOL.

If you chose (3)–compromises are tricky and involve trusting that neither party will renege. So make your compromise and have several back up plans in case your friends get any ideas again.

How did you do? Are you fit to be an Evil Overlord?

Despite twenty-seven years of trying Lexie still is not the Evil Overlord of this planet. Or is she? After all – what kind of Evil Overlord gives out her real name? Check out her gentler side over at Poisoned Rationality or her mindless entertainment side at Twitter under PRationality.