People keep saying things like, social justice people are just as bullying as the people they’re working against. I need help in knowing how to handle this, because I feel like it’ll just keep on happening until things get better. People think I’m a bully because I tell them to stop saying fat shaming things, or because I have a sense of humor about haters who’s feelings I’m supposed to consider. It’s just tiring being shut down all the time, and I think being told I’m just as bad as those who oppress me and others like me, might be a form of emotional abuse.

Mod response:

Unfortunately, this is absolutely standard. This is what all activists get. It’s a huge part of the reason for activist burnout.



First thing, know that people do not want to know that they have privilege, and they do not want to know that anything they do regularly is wrong. They will fight against that knowledge. It’s a normal and natural emotional reaction, and we all do it, and we all have to fight it in ourselves. But that’s why they’re telling you you’re a bully, because they’re lashing out at you for telling them things they do not want to hear.



Second, understand that there is nothing you can do about that. You can’t change it. They’re going to do it.



There are different ways you can handle that knowledge. You can take the backlash as evidence that what you’re doing is having an impact. You can decide that you’re ok with what they call you, even take it as a badge of honor, because you know that you’re accomplishing something. You can decide to have compassion for them, because you know that it’s a normal and natural reaction.



Third, know that this will become completely overwhelming sometimes. You will not be able to do this constantly. You will break down. That’s ok. Take a break when you need to. Take care of yourself. Pick your battles. Remember that you can’t do everything, and that if you let yourself get overwhelmed, you won’t be able to do anything. Most activists have a hard time doing this. I certainly do. But it’s ok to be overwhelmed, it’s ok to go off and cry, it is positively a good thing to take breaks.



Fourth, remember that your job as an activist is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. If the people you’re upsetting are ones with a lot of privilege, and the people you’re defending are ones without, you’re doing it right. If you ever find that you’re doing it the other way around, then you’ve got it wrong, and it’s time to turn that around. It’s ok to get it wrong sometimes, but you have to turn it around again.



Fifth, understand that you will not always be able to see that your work is having an effect. Often, in fact. But the person who’s angry today and calling you a bully may remember your words next week or next year and rethink their position. Even more so, there may be someone listening or reading your words who feels like someone is defending them, standing up for them. You may not know they’re there, you may not know that what you’re doing makes them feel safer, but they are often there anyway. Take comfort in both of these things.



Sixth, sometimes someone will tell you the effect you’ve had. Treasure these moments, and assume that for every one you hear about, there are ten or twenty or a hundred that you don’t. Let those people’s stories carry you through. They are why you’re doing this work.



Seventh, don’t be afraid to cut people out of your life if they are bigots. Sometimes you will discover that your friends cannot let go of their prejudices and sense of entitlements. You may find that you can’t be around them anymore, because either you will call them on it, in which case there will be a fight, or you won’t, in which case you’ll feel awful. You don’t have to tell them why, although you can if you want; just stop spending time around them. They will only hurt you.



That’s what I’ve got. I’ve been doing various kinds of social activism for twenty years, and that’s what I’ve learned. I’ve developed a thick skin, but I didn’t start out that way. I shed a lot of tears, sometimes every damn day, before I could learn how to cope with it. You’ll develop your own mechanisms.



Me, I’m kind of notorious is some corners of the internet. Not just here. There are places I cannot show my handle without stirring up a shitstorm, just by being me, because people hate me for my refusal to compromise or let up. Places in meatspace, too, although fewer of those these days than there used to be. (Since I moved across a continent, and then later spent three years working 90 hours a week and hardly ever seeing anyone outside of work, where I had to be nicer to people.) I treasure that reputation, as I treasure the people who have let me know how much I’ve helped them. It means I’m getting it right.



-MadGastronomer

