BUIES CREEK, NC. — A very frazzled and tired group of university officials gathered behind the microphones at Campbell University to answer the swirling rumors about Camel Head Coach Justin Average. Campbell Athletic Director C. Noodle spoke first.

“There have been numerous reports and rumors about Coach Average’s tenure here at the university and his plans for the immediate future. We are here to address those rumors and shed some light on the situation. I’d like to start by saying that despite the recent loss the administration has been extremely pleased with Justin’s performance so far and the players and staff have responded well to his leadership. We expect to see him leading the Orange and White for many weeks to come. With more on that I’d like to invite Assistant Athletic Director Cream Ofmushroom to the podium to address the agreements we have with Coach Average.”

Cream is an older woman who does not color her hair. Her face had no trace of a smile while addressing the media.

“The university has a signed contract with Justin Average and his buyout clauses are very specific. He has submitted his narrow list of teams to league officials and to us and unless one of those teams comes calling in the middle of the night, he will be staying in Buies Creek through the end of Season Two. Justin has acknowledged this and reaffirmed his commitment to the university last night in our emergency meeting. Thank you.”

Ofmushroom stepped down and Campbell’s Public Relations Director, a thin man by the name of Chunky Beef, stepped to the podium with a stack of papers in his hand.

“I would like to give a brief timeline of yesterday and last night’s events and then I will answer any questions that you all may have.”

Here is the timeline as this reporter understood it:

At 1:43 pm Coach Average happened to hear of a short-term opportunity at Floridan Atlantic University. He applied for the position through NFCAA official channels and was initially accepted as interim coach at FAU.

Between 1:43 pm and 5:37 pm, Conference USA officials complained to NFCAA officials about Coach Average’s abilities claiming he was “too good” to coach the Owls on an interim basis.

At 5:37 pm NFCAA league officials rescinded their offer and told Coach Average to stay in North Carolina.

At 9:42 pm Conference USA officials contacted Coach Average directly via his personal cell phone and asked if he was interested in the University of Texas-El Paso coaching position.

At 9:45 pm Coach Average contacted us with the indication that he was seriously considering the idea. We reminded him of his signed contract at that time.

At 10:27 pm Campbell University officials contacted NFCAA officials through the appropriate channels and received word that the UTEP job offer had been made in error. Coach Average was alerted of this at the time.

At 10:54 pm the NFCAA informed us that the UTEP position was, in fact, available, but brought up the aforementioned contract as the main reason for not allowing Coach Average to take the job in Texas.

At 10:59 pm an emergency meeting was called on the campus of Campbell University to remind Coach Average of the conditions in his contract. Coach was very repentant and transparent about the misunderstandings and assured us he is happy to be in Buies Creek and happy to be a Fighting Camel.

At 8:15 am we called this press conference.

Mr. Beef took a few questions from reporters after finishing the timeline. One reporter asked why Coach Average was interested in the FAU job in the first place.

“Coach Average did admit to us in last night’s meeting that the non-stop rain over the last month has been impacting his mental health and he was mostly looking for a way to get some sunshine and brighten his spirits. The university takes this very seriously and is looking into getting Coach somewhere warmer for a brief vacation when the time allows.

Athletic Director C. Noodle took the stand to close the press conference after Beef had stepped down.

“Thank you for coming today on such short notice and helping us make sense of what was clearly a misunderstanding between confused parties. This concludes the press conference.”

For FCFB Overtime, this has been Joshua Average.