In my college days I knew a relatively Americanized Muslim student whose parents’ plan to have her hymen checked before marrying her off forced her to resort to other methods of gratification with her boyfriend. This gross invasion of one’s private matters by their parents is just another drop in the endless stream of anecdotal evidence which leads us to a fairly obvious conclusion: where religion is involved people have (and always will) find creative ways to do as they please. I once spotted a Muslim woman with a headscarf making out with her saintly-looking bearded boyfriend in the parking lot outside the university’s library. This was no innocent love-peck given his hand was placed inexorably underneath her shirt.

For those who do not know, Islam (like all religions) is against any and all “fun” until one has capitulated and made what might be one of the most important decisions of their life–very likely out of mere excitement. At a certain point, there is a strong desire to just “get on with it”.

This brings me to the topic of hijabis (a term for Muslim women who wear the traditional headscarf). It should go without saying that hijabis are not asexual beings. (They’re not nuns for Christ’s sake!) At the risk of airing my dirty mental-laundry, I will share a personal note: I have never been “involved” with a hijabi. However, the thought of rectifying that unfortunate gap in my C.V. has at times crossed my mind. To this end, there is perhaps some reason to be optimistic. Many hijabis have taken this religiously mandated accessory and turned it into something of a fashion statement. The humble hijab is even to be seem on the runways of the Paris fashion scene. The Muslim woman’s clothing options being limited, many of them have nevertheless found ways to express their beauty–whether through gratuitously form-fitting clothing, make up, or a general demeanor of fabulousness. Needless to say, treating the garment in this way is missing the point in a big way (as I allude to in a previous cartoon).

The idea of being intimate with a hijabi woman has something of the same psychologically rewarding appeal of spoiling the immaculate and relishing in the woman’s reluctant release of inhibitions. It is in knowing that they have traded their precious god and myths of “sexual purity” with a certain lucky participant. A veritable Apple of Eden!

I did once achieve something of the same effect during my university days with an almost comically repressed (but as though in compensation, far more flirtatious) Catholic. There were of course boundaries which could not be crossed. (These were in any case fully gratified in other ways.)

There will undoubtedly be those in the “politically correct” crowd who will not bother to read this far and instead opt for the much easier and morally self-indulgent option of reflexively becoming offended by my choice of title. There are also those who will think that I am a pig for even suggesting something so vulgar and objectifying as deflowering someone they presume to be religiously anti-sex. These same people might also believe that I am treating these women as though they were nothing more than mere trophies or items on one’s personal perverted “checklist.”

On that, two points. First, in this sexually liberated age of ours, I would hope we have become comfortable with the fact that people have fantasies. Far indeed are we from those ancient automatons who viewed sex as an arcane ritual performed under the invasive scrutiny of a mythical overlord and exclusively within the context of matrimony. We liberated folks have sex for fun and recognize that not every romp is destined for an exchange of vows. When it comes to sex, the operative word for feminists is “consent”–not “deviance”. Choke yourself and tug away unsupervised in a hotel closet for all anyone cares–so long as you don’t injure anyone else. (Except perhaps yourself!) The second point I wish to make is that these same so-called liberals would in fact be doing the women they so-wish to protect from “Western promiscuity” a disservice. By this I mean that hijabi women deserve equality and the way to achieve that is to begin viewing them in the same satirical light-of-day in which we view other religious people. There is a plethora of lay-jokes thrown around with relative light-heartedness about repressed Catholics and I see no reason why we in the comedy-sphere should not indulge ourselves with the Islamic flavor of those same jokes.

There always will be men and women who positively relish in the idea of spoiling the naïve and sexually repressed faithful. This is to be expected for the simple reason that when one’s sexual impulses are restrained into adulthood by the muddled burblings of religious schizophrenics across the millennia, there is a strong (and quite natural) urge to “make up for lost time”, as it were. The end-result is that even the most clueless puritan might come out on the other side as something of a connoisseur. Thus, to withhold sexual innuendos about hijabis would be to presume them to be innocent and naïve children. This, I daresay, is perhaps a greater insult than the P.C. liberal’s impulse to just pretend hijabi women don’t have human urges.

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