February 06, 2020

I can't sleep. Is it because I'm wondering what the hell happened to Nicolas Cage's career? Probably not....but it could be. It could be.

Does anyone else remember when Tom Hanks hosted SNL the year Nicolas Cage won Best Actor for "Leaving Las Vegas"? No? Well, I do. In his monologue, Hanks made fun of Cage for starring in "The Rock" as a follow up to winning the big award saying that Cage wouldn't win a consecutive Oscar like he did by taking a role in a big action packed hit. Hanks was obviously right and, in a rare occurrence, mean. This is the first time I can remember Nicolas Cage being publicly mocked. What followed for Cage were a bunch of years starring in Bruckheimer style blockbusters that made huge amounts of money no matter what anyone says now. He was flying high...in a plane full of convicts. "Con-Air", yo.

Then, as VH-1's "Behind the Music" used to say...the music stopped.

The bunny was finally put in the box for good. The Redbox.

When Cage was making strange and bizarre acting choices throughout his career there was no way he could have predicted he'd become most famous for being a GIF. Maybe he did. I don't really know. Can Nicolas Cage predict the future? Did anyone ever ask him if he could? How do we really know for sure?

Here's a few GIFs that showcase just a few of Cage's antics:

See what I mean? You know what? There's just too many, so here's a link:

BUT THEN!!!!

2018!!!

Nicolas Cage was back on the big screen...mostly....kinda sorta.

In this animated film, Cage plays Spider-Man Noir (voice).

Synopsis:

“Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” introduces teen Miles Morales, he's from Brooklyn and the movie let's you know he's from Brooklyn as much as an actual person from Brooklyn tells you they're from Brooklyn. Brooklyn! Oh, and you'll learn the limitless possibilities of the Spider-Verse, where more than one can wear the mask."

Sure, Cage is only doing voice acting in this animated film, but.....Nicolas Cage has escaped the Redbox and is back in theaters!!! Why wasn't this news on the front page of every newspaper! Newspaper?! Why wasn't this the headline of every link that popped up on your feed that day. ("Feed"...what are we pigs slopping up this bs content everyday without thinking about it? Anyway, back to my long post about Nicolas Cage's 2018.) That in itself is a huge victory. Bonus points for the movie being awesome.

Here Cage is voice acting again, but now as Superman (voice).

Synopsis:

"When the Teen Titans go to the big screen, they go big! It seems to the Teens that all the major superheroes out there are starring in their own movies—everyone but the Teen Titans, that is! But de facto leader Robin is determined to be seen as a star instead of a sidekick. With a few madcap ideas and a song in their heart, the Teen Titans head to Tinsel Town, certain to pull off their dream. But when the group is sidetracked by a seriously super villain and his maniacal plan to take over the Earth, things really go awry. The team finds their friendship and their fighting spirit failing, putting the very fate of the Teen Titans themselves on the line!"​

Seriously, Nicolas Cage is finally Superman??!! If you don't know the epic geek saga about Cage "wearing" the cape and why this is such a huge deal to everyone that has ever read Wizard magazine, Nicolas Cage was supposed to star as Kal-El, the last son of Krypton (I'm a nerd), in the film "Superman Lives" by Tim Burton back in the late 90's, like 1999. Watch the documentary "The Death of "Superman Lives": What Happened?"...it's great.

In this film, Cage plays Red Miller.

Synopsis:

"Pacific Northwest. 1983 AD. Outsiders Red Miller and Mandy Bloom lead a loving and peaceful existence. When their pine-scented haven is savagely destroyed by a cult led by the sadistic Jeremiah Sand, Red is catapulted into a phantasmagoric journey filled with bloody vengeance and laced with fire."

﻿"Mandy" is the "Logan" of Nicolas Cage films. It is unreal how much crazy is jammed into this crazy film. Cage randomly romantically talking about Galactus, a chainsaw battle, random kung fu zoom, Cage saying "crazy evil"...there's just about all of the Cageisms in this two hour film that you can't help but want to root for it to be awesome...and it doesn't disappoint. Do not doubt me. Well, you can. Do whatever you want, but see it if you haven't because we may have reached peak Nicolas Cage here. I don't know if this can ever be topped until I get a kickstarter going for my own Nicolas Cage film where he'll just read this article directly to the screen for a long drawn out 3 hour masterpiece. Stay tuned for that.

In this 90 minutes, Cage plays Joe.

Synopsis:

"Joe meets a mother who can contact spirits when suffocating. Her daughter is dying when Joe helps the mother spiritually contact the daughter and save her. Unfortunately, the spirit in the daughter's body is now that of Joe's dead wife."

﻿You got all that?

Oof, back to the Redbox, but why?!?!?! This one is, ummm, not great, but...at the end SPOILERS there is some CGI fire that is to be seen to be believed. Yeah, I watched the whole movie. What?!

The imdb page keeps growing with this one where Nicolas Cage stands in front of a camera as Mike Chandler.

Synopsis:

"Inspired by one of the longest and bloodiest real-life events in police history. Officer Mike Chandler and a young civilian passenger find themselves under-prepared and outgunned when fate puts them squarely in the crosshairs of a daring bank heist in progress by a fearless team of highly trained and heavily armed men."

I watched this one, too. SPOILER ALERT AGAIN - I watched all of them. You knew that. "211" is bottom of the barrel. Cage must have lost a huge amount of money in a poker match to James Caan and Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't available, so he agreed to be in this movie. "211" is no honeymoon. To the movie's credit, I still think about the very last scene of this film because I'm still trying to figure out how it connects to the rest of the film, so there's that.

To round out the year of acting, Cage appears here as Ray.

"A psycho- sexual thriller following a couple that buys an old motel in the desert looking for a new beginning, but what seemed at first as an escape is soon a thrilling ride through a mysterious world when Ray discovers a two way mirror and witnesses a horrifying murder."

﻿Nicolas Cage starring in a mid 1990's Cinemax style thriller? Sure, why not? This is pretty much a "Vacancy" ripoff that's probably like all the direct to video "Vacancy" sequels that I didn't watch and you probably didn't either and probably shouldn't, but I did see "Looking Glass" and you'll be okay not seeing it for the rest of your life. I know I watched it, but I don't remember much about it other than it had a beginning, middle, an end and Nicolas Cage.

2018 came and went. 2019 did, too!

2018, man!! That year saw such an epic return to form for the man, the myth, the GIF, but why, why, why is he still churning out Redbox movies? How much does he still owe for that dinosaur skull that he doesn't even own anymore? Sure, life issues cost money, but couldn't he just start a GoFundMe page or something? It makes me go into a Cage Rage that "Mandy" wasn't followed by "Face/Off 2: Face2Face" a week later. Why not?! Why do I even care? I don't know. I have no answers. You have no answers. We have no answers.

What we do have is an abundance of random Nicolas Cage items that have been made by people who are as befuddled by this human being that cinematically had his face removed and put on John Travolta's body.

Here's a few of the more epic random Nicolas Cage items out in the world today:

A Nicolas Cage coloring book?! Sure, why not?

Not going to lie, I kinda want this fleece blanket of Nicolas Cage as Mona Lisa.

You can get your very own lifesize cardboard cutout of Cage so that when you fly to Paris for the holidays you can leave it on your toy train set so that the Wet Bandits think someone is home and they don't rob you.

If you made it this far, you want this candle.

AND FINALLY....click the image below to buy a print of my painting of Nicolas Cage's face because his whole career is one big art piece and you should have this hanging in your home to watch over you while you watch "Matchstick Men" and wonder to yourself why are you rewatching "Matchstick Men" again.

Note: I purposely didn't include that pillow everyone has because everyone has it and....you win. You can get it here: