Think you were clever, did you, 49ers? Trying to sneak out the new alt uniforms on draft day so they don’t get any attention? Sneaky Sneaky.

I don’t particularly like the new 49ers alt unis. I could go into detail but I think Paul Lukas of Uniwatch pretty much nailed down all my gripes with it, and his takedown is spectacular. Everyone should read it.

To me, it feels not only 90’S RADICAL BLACK it feels like they were not very well thought out. The actual design is whatever, all black with slight color highlights is a look that I’ve always personally liked (The Eagles all blacks last year, I loved them, and I you know how much I hate anything Philadelphia) but this just…doesn’t work. There is too much black. It looks somewhat reasonable against the immaculately photographed and touched up black backgrounds of the promo pictures, but good photography won’t make it look better on the field. It’s kind of like how the Jags helmets look almost passable with good lighting and photography but on gameday look like ass against the grass. I don’t think these unis will look nearly as sharp on the field as they do in the promo shots, and they already feel questionable in the promo shots.

But really, to me, the biggest crime isn’t the black, it’s the complete lack of gold anywhere on the uniform (outside the very small nike swoosh on the upper pants). Seriously? Not only does it create a terrible disconnect between the gold helmet, but the goddamn team is named after A TERM FOR GOLD MINERS. That’s what a 49er is! It’s a gold miner! WHY THE HELL AREN’T YOU PUTTING GOLD ON A UNIFORM NAMED FOR GOLDMINERS? Frankly it’s almost a crime that the 9ers don’t have a gold alt jersey to begin with! They couldn’t even put a gold stripe on the jerseys? They couldn’t make the numbers and stripes gold? No gold trim? Add on the fact that the NFL is doing this GOLD EVERYTHING theme for the 50th Super Bowl year, and the decision just gets even dumber. They missed such a Golden opportunity (You’d better believe that pun was intended).

Also, I wonder the intelligence of having a black uniform for a stadium that apparently gets pretty damn hot. I hope they plan to play these uniforms for night games, because they look like a bright sunny day will murder them.

I give Nike a lot of shit but these uniforms were player requested, which answers a lot of questions. I’d wager a lot of these players grew up in the 90’s when BLACK WAS X-TREME AND RAD AND WASSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAP, so they saw Kaep’s black practice jersey and said “Man that’s cool, because I have bad taste, and I want everyone to share my bad taste”.

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Anyway, I’m sure you noticed the new header. Let me know what you think about how it looks, I was aiming for a sort of sunday paper comic title, with the title incorporated into the image. I’ve had recent troubles with jerks taking popular comics and cropping my name off the top (Seriously, these people are scum, if you ever see a DP comic on the web with my name cropped off call that person out for me) so I’m trying to fit the important stuff on the image itself so it’s that much harder to edit out by scumbags trying to steal it.

Be sure to check out the entire collection of my 2015 draft picks, and I’ll leave you with Jim Tomsula the Mic Rula because it never gets old