10. My opponent threatened to send his Russian “friends” after me if I even got a draw.

9. Joan Collins promised to come on the show if I lost in less than 25 moves. I did, and she didn’t, the slut.

8. I thought I was doing okay until he started moving his horse thingy.

7. I don’t think so well when it gets late.



6. I got overconfident after I took an early lead in captures.

5. Some woman player told me that Kasparov took back a move.

4. Mike slip.



3. It wasn’t so bad. I won his Queen for my horse thingy.

2. I got confused and thought I was going to play Boris Becker until this Kasparov guy kept calling in.

1. Hey, I bet I’m better at chess than he is at writing Top 10 lists!