MOSCOW—Confessing that her relationship with the Putin government was closer than previously disclosed, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya admitted Friday to repeated and frequent communication with the Kremlin concerning the Trump campaign’s “unprecedented, colossal, and towering” ineptitude. “On numerous occasions, I notified the [Russian federal security service] FSB on matters pertaining to the Trump campaign’s breathtaking incompetence,” said Veselnitskaya, divulging that she even spoke with Putin himself, who completely agreed with her assessment of Donald Trump Jr. as an amateurish dolt capable of bungling even the most rudimentary tasks. “Moreover, I sent thousands of files relating to incidents, occasions, and events during which the Trump campaign demonstrated that its staff consisted of clueless dipshits totally oblivious to the treason they consistently committed against the United States at almost every given opportunity. I would not characterize the FSB’s reaction as one of surprise.” Veselnitskaya confirmed that she eventually broke ties with the Trump campaign, citing concerns that the bumbling jackasses in charge would fuck up everything Russia was working towards, choosing instead to concentrate her efforts on “the ruthless Machiavellian savants” of the National Rifle Association.

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