Christians beginning to wonder if maybe Jesus has stood them up

After nearly two-thousand years of waiting, some Christians are finally ready to acknowledge that maybe Jesus isn’t coming back for them.

Many have said that waiting around expectantly was kind of fun for a few decades, but that his repeated ‘no shows’ are becoming rather tiresome.

As one explained, “There’s no call, no text, just a vague ‘yeah I’ll be back around some time so just, you know, wait for me’ message from two millennia ago. That’s pretty lame if you ask me.

“If he was on the Jeremy Kyle show with this sort of track record he’d get booed by the crowd and Jeremy would up close and personal before screaming in his face.

“He’d probably lap it up, I know how his Dad likes the adulation of the masses.”

Relationship experts have insisted it’s high time Christians learned that they are strong independent people who can manage on their own.

As counsellor Barbara Dawson told us, “It’s actually semi-abusive relationship when you look at it. I heard a friend of mine thank Jesus when she was hit by a car, just because she wasn’t hurt more badly.”

“She said, ‘He was looking out for me’. Yes, by driving another car into you. That type of ‘care’ generally lands you in trouble with the police in most cases.

“But like so many domestically abused partners, she’s in denial – a fractured collarbone is a sign of how much He loves her, apparently.”