Eatery: Happy Peasant Burgers

Location: pretty much anywhere controlled by “Lord” Urizen

TODAY, I SHALL NOT DEVOUR ALL IN MY PATH. I SHALL DEVOUR WITH PRECISION. THE GOAL IS WISDOM, NOT ANNIHILATION. BEHOLD MY FOOD CRITICISM.

If you’ve ever travelled through one of the lands occupied by Urizen, you will have noticed one of the ubiquitous Happy Peasant Burgers, a chain of fast food restaurants owned by the Borington-Dull Food Corporation. The advertisments make the food look a great deal better than it does in real life, but it’s cheap, and it’s edible. Almost everyone has tried it at some point, even if all they’ve done is nibbled on a Veggie Peasant Burger, which doesn’t contain anything that really reminds me of vegetables. But then, I’m not entirely certain that the regular Peasant Burger really does contain actual meat.

As a food critic, I can easily say that the food is, well, meh. It is, as I said, edible. It’s not tasty, and even if you prefer the less healthy end of the burger spectrum, you’d be much better off going to something like Vicky’s Monstrous Burger Shack. And yet, I cannot find it in me to condemn those who frequent Happy Peasant Burgers. It is, as I said, quite cheap, and money is short these days. When people are exhausted from working long hours for little money, can you really begrudge them their Big Peasant? When they are struggling to make the rent and their children need an affordable meal, is it really so unthinkable to purchase a Happy Peasant Meal?

And besides, there’s something strangely admirable about the sheer quantity of food produced by this establishment. When you think about the true horror of a famine, cheap food seems almost miraculous. That we can use so much technology, on so large scale, to feed so many people, is a kind of wonder.

Sure, it’s not the food we deserve, but is it really the enemy, as both snobs and would-be rebels claim? Or could we seize that miracle, the miracle of affordable meals, and make it our own? Can we not throw out the concept of profit, which requires the lowering of quality and the exploitation of workers, and use this truly impressive infrastructure for the benefit of all?

I am merely a food critic, so I cannot say. But I should mention that I’ve always wanted to find out what the rich taste like.

THUS THE ACT IS ACCOMPLISHED. THE HUNGER SHALL GROW WHEN THE MOON RETURNS.

– The Purple Devourer