Democrats are Sexy Grandpas and Congress Their Nursing Home

Millennials have come to regard the elderly as bastions of wisdom, but perhaps only on the surface. Since “the Greatest Generation” is no longer with us, they have latched on to their new grandparents -- Chuck and Nancy. If you’re a millennial in your early thirties, it’s likely your grandparents’ passing put an exclamation point on a few of life’s realities, most importantly that existence is fleeting -- that “this too shall pass”. Since millennials love to avoid reality, Chuck and Nancy have given them some hope, at least psychologically.

At Chuck and Nancy’s house, millennials can be kids again (more than they are now) and are served up a heaping helping of emotional kitsch. The problem is that Chuck and Nancy are not part of “The Greatest Generation,” but rather are baby boomers. The situation is dire but explainable. Millennials love to hold dear to things that are not so much earned but rather the things that must be endured. When I observed former college classmates of mine on Facebook refer to Bill Clinton and Joe Biden as “sexy grandpas”, it occurred to me that their reverence for the elderly, especially if those grandparents are still in government, goes beyond the normal attributes of tradition or what we once called “family values”. Being that they associated Eros to the decrepit speaks for itself and speaks volumes. It also explained to me why some women in college found their professor irresistible -- the old man reminded them of their aging dad, a seasoned male figure full of “wisdom,” one who had shed all his weak and “toxic” mannerisms of a boyish youth. At 20 years old, such things baffled me. But thirteen years later, at age 33, I see why these women always rejected me when I asked them out. If I had wrinkled skin, white hair, and a crooked finger that constantly poked the air, I would have had a better chance. (Maybe a little dandruff on my shoulders, too.) A mature man, after all, “just knows what he wants”. For millennials, there is a certain attractiveness found in a corpse that is almost ready for the grave. I don’t even need to expand upon their zombie fetish and it’s accompanying academic fascination. A corpse has endured life’s “slings and arrows” and today falls into the same category as the scuttled, oppressed, and marginalized. In today’s age, endurance has replaced a need to legitimately earn something. In college, women saw me as “a guy who still had a lot of living to do” and I missed the mark. Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Maxine Waters look like they have endured, and for the millennials, that is good enough. Millennials don’t need evidence of sanity or clean urine samples from their ageing socialist comrades, just the surface appearance of endurance. If it looks like they had it hard, then they probably did, and how dare you question it anyway? In their minds, all is up for questioning, proof and fact-checking except for legislative decisions carried out by the elderly. Such attitudes tie into their surface-level understanding of the world. It is a product of low-resolution thinking that recognizes anyone with gray hair as being an Einstein. In order to stay “forever young”, someone younger than yourself has to allow for it. When we love someone in general, we overlook the bad, let the undesired thing happen and simply endure it. The Crosby, Stills and Nash generation are now old and are running the government, and they can thank their children for not noticing. As baby boomers in Depends undergarments hobble around the Congress and Senate, conservative millennials can only observe, wonder and write about the oddity. But it’s also clear that being old only gets you so far. You must be old and a Democrat to win the love of your rebellious children. Contrary to their public temper tantrums, millennials truly love patriarchy and will accept that “daddy knows best” as long as those old men (and women) are Democrats. It explains why millennials admire Biden for his Aquafresh smile and why Trump (who is nearly the same age) is a mere bumbling dotard who probably has Alzheimer’s and dementia. How else could millennials hold these contradictory perceptions together and still consider their brain to be a useful organ? Howard Schultz may be running for president but now he will understand why Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will never call him a sexy grandpa.