Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump took to Twitter today to address the severe criticism his administration is earning from its zero-tolerance policy on migrants and refugees entering the US in the following tweets:

“I’m sorry Jeff Sessions is separating kids against my will. I told him all along to try and keep the kids together with the parents, but you know Jeff—he’s all wrapped up in his Bible mumbo-jumbo. And besides, he’s from Alabama, what do you expect?”

“It pains me to think that I accidentally did a nazism. I usually try so hard not to do any nazisms, because I’m the complete opposite of an Adolph Hitler. This nazism was a total accident (way to go Jeff!)”

“I just want to affirm that, once again, none of this was my fault. You think I’m bad? You should hear my adviser Stephen Miller. That guy is a fan of Hitler. The things he tells me to do would blow your mind, but I don’t do most of his nazisms. I’m sorry this one slipped out. But blame Jeff, not me.”

“Also things were way worse when Obama was ‘President.’ I’ve heard things that would blow your mind. Sean Hannity showed me graph the other day that showed how many immigrant children Crooked Hillary ate while Secretary of State. Double digits!”

“So this is all Jeff Sessions’ and Hillary Clinton’s fault. Those two are baby eaters. And Stephen Miller is the guy, not me! I’m gonna try extra hard to let no more nazisms slip out, I swear!”

(Picture courtesy of Matt Johnson.)

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