WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic. “Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next several weeks, I want the public to understand that our avian friends will be going about their regular bird business of flapping and squawking,” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt, adding that it is unclear if the winged vertebrates can spread the coronavirus, but it doesn’t matter because whatever birds do in their free time is outside the purview of his office. “Rest assured, birds will still be alighting on branches, building nests, digging for worms, and generally getting on with their normal lives even as the pandemic rages on. Pecking, shitting, chirping, flying; you name it and birds will continue doing it, unaffected by the virus that has brought our lives to a grinding halt. Hell, they’ll even be crashing into windows and getting murdered by cats, and that’s totally ok. They’re birds, you know?” At press time, Bernhardt confirmed that bison quarantined inside national parks have been losing their fucking minds with boredom.

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