Santa sent me a mix of stocking stuffers this year, and I think he is trying to assist with the ladies. I had no idea there was an option to have my cloths smell so delicious without rubbing bacon grease all over myself. Wish I would have had this gift last year to save myself from all the medical bills that I've accumulated during project "Bacon Pheromone". My hope was ladies would find the scent irresistible but several test runs all concluded with the same result of only getting 200 feet from my front door before being attacked by rabid raccoons.

Luckily Santa also included drinking straw glasses as a backup plan. This gift works two fold for me, as I don't normally wear glasses. Since putting stickers on a Honda increases the horsepower, glasses should make me at least 1-2 points more attractive. The spectacles also encourage drinking which not only will give me additional liquid confidence with women but also makes sleeping with my Japanese girl pillow that much more real.

And then there is the candy... Santa you dawg! The plan is genius, the bacon scent will lure them to my desk, the glasses will make me irresistible, and the candy will give them a reason to talk. There was only one problem with this Santa when I tried it out. I poured both candies into a bowl and patiently waited in my alcoholic bacon reeking lady killers of a trap also known as my cubical. The women were lining up with a queue that stretched several rows deep, each taking a handful of candies and giving me my five seconds of obligatory conversation. I'd try to strike with my best pickup line but before I could deliver one by one they would leave in horror.

I began to panic as I watched the bowl deplete of its resources, jamming more dryer sheets down my pants in a last ditch effort but it was useless and the bowl was empty. The line dispersed, I was left with nothing but a new nick name of ham-bone from my coworkers as HR approached. They informed me that I was no longer employed as my free candy stunt did not support the companies value of diversity due to the swine scent precluded specific individuals from participating for religious reasons.

As I cleared out my desk to the sounds of coworkers gossiping my focus was drawn to the two empty candy cane shaped tubes in the trash. How could I be so foolish, though shaped exactly the same one was filled with Reese's Pieces the other with Skittles. The mixing of the two into one bowl sealed my ham-bone fate. I walked out with my box of belongings down the long hallway of shame when it occurred to me, Santa truly does like to see the world burn. I hope he is nicer to me next year, #ThanksSanta...