Love without limits

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Opinion - During my days as a newspaper reporter, we would be given cars that had a long whip aerial on the roof for the two-way radio that allowed us to be in touch with the transport department. I recall there were many occasions along the Durban beachfront when there would be some cars which would speed away as we approached - mistaking the aerial as belonging to an unmarked police car. My photographer mate and I would revel in catching up with the evading car at the next set of traffic lights, if only to confirm our suspicion that it contained a mixed-race couple. The white driver and his Indian female passenger would clearly have the fear of God etched on their young faces, as they looked at us pleadingly. This was in the early 1980s when the Immorality Act, which outlawed “immoral or indecent acts” between white people and anyone not white, and the Mixed Marriages Act, which banned the marriage of inter-racial couples, were still in force.

These two laws were among the first pieces of apartheid legislation to be passed following the National Party’s rise to power in 1948.

With the obliteration of all hurtful legislation from the nation’s statute books, interracial dating is a growing trend as the millennial generation embraces liberal views and people have the opportunity to hook up with whoever floats their boat.

There was a time when it was anathema within the Indian community for a so-called high caste Hindu to marry a so-called low caste person.

It was also taboo for somebody from a Tamil or Telugu background to choose a partner with Hindi roots.

Totally off-limits were interfaith marriages - a Hindu tying the knot with a Christian or Muslim or Jew.

Interrace marriages, such as between an Indian and a white Afrikaner or Zulu-speaking African were unthinkable.

There are many couples who still bear the scars of being brutally assaulted mentally, emotionally and physically by spying police barging into hotel bedrooms and arresting them for not being of the same skin colour.

There are many men and women who were disowned by their families for daring to cross the religious or racial divide.

But 23 years into democracy, mixed-race and interfaith relationships are becoming more and more common.

Some liberal families now resemble the UN or the World Parliament of Religions.

A growing number of young white men wearing topis or skull caps attend jumma (prayers) at local mosques on Fridays.

Young white women clad in salwar suits (with trousers fixed around the ankles) attend prayer services at temples with their partners.

The preponderance of white men driving through Chatsworth and Phoenix are not Hare Krishna devotees or drug addicts scouting for cocaine and heroin joints; they just cannot resist their mother-in-law’s chicken and prawn curry with roti.

While there is greater tolerance for interfaith marriages within the same race, not everyone is accepting of an interracial relationship.

Old habits die hard and I must confess that I, too, find myself doing a double-take when I see a black and white couple kissing or holding hands.

There is also much stereotyping around interracial dating, for example, that white men are interested in Indian women mainly for sexual gratification.

By extension, the Indian women they are with must be promiscuous. Also, women who venture out of the nest to seek a mate must lack decency.

Such attitudes towards mixed-race couples confirm the intolerance that still exists within the older generation for which the idea is still alien and even repulsive.

Ideally, love should have no bounds. However, we are dealing with reality and the truth is that many have negative reactions to what they perceive as trampling upon racial or cultural identities.

The 16th century love between Muslim Emperor Akbar, played by Hrithik Roshan, and Hindu Princess Jodhaa, played by Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, in the historical romance movie Jodhaa Akbar, required surmounting great challenges linked to religious prejudices.

But that was only a movie and the silver screen has licence to bluff audiences.

Man has set foot on the moon; one man’s heart can beat in another man’s chest; the Berlin Wall has come down; white supremacy was defeated to make way for black rule in South Africa - but still a mixed-race marriage is no walk in the park.

Mixed-race couples, more than interfaith partners of the same race, continue to be the target for open hostility and intimidation; derogatory comments in public; disinheritance; rejection by relatives; and subjected to stares, insults and jibes.

Young people must realise that while it can be very romantic and exciting to love someone different from themselves, marrying this person involves dealing with all the complications that go with an interracial marriage.

What you want at the age of 21 is completely different from what you will desire when you are a little bit older and mature enough to get married.

The love you share with your boyfriend or girlfriend now will change over time.

So, you must think deep and hard if this partner really has every single quality you are looking for.

Young interracial and interfaith couples must feel free to discuss their cultural differences regarding topics such as religion, diet, birth control, finances, sex, extended family relationships, gender roles and traditions.

How will you raise your children and help them understand and appreciate their mixed identity?

The same dilemma applies to children who will be born out of interfaith marriages.

One parent may feel passionately that the children should be brought up with a particular faith.

An interfaith marriage is one of the most fundamental sinful actions in Islam. It is compulsory for the non-Muslim boy or girl to convert to Islam.

Often names will be changed, although the new name will begin with the same letter of the alphabet.

Thus, Leela could well become Latifah. Raman would change to Rahiman (as it did for music composer AR Rahman).

My own name may be changed to Yusuf or Yunus. The converted Muslim will be required to keep the Ramadaan fast, read namaz (prayers) and live by the values of Islam.

Young couples planning to deflect from their religion of birth should be sure to do some soul-searching and be prepared to make strong, practical demands.

Ask for a Hindu-Muslim or Christian-Muslim or Hindu-Christian marriage with equality. Make it clear you will never change your religion.

Most importantly, make it clear that the children will not be only Muslim but Hindu and Muslim. Or Hindu and Christian.

The problems that show up in interracial marriages are compounded because in addition to colour differences, there are the complications of clashing religions.

Serious consideration should be given to an interfaith marriage with equality. No one religion must be more dominant.

In such marriages, couples from both sides must make some compromises with regard to the marriage ceremony, food habits, worship and funeral rites.

The tensions that arise from loving cross-racially can be overcome with good communication and by settling down with a partner who shares your principles.

Common ethics and morals arguably prove more significant than common racial backgrounds in determining a couple’s success.

* Yogin Devan is a media consultant and social commentator.

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