It has been a while since I wrote one of these. I had been planning to put this out before Christmas, but I ended up procrastinating too much on it, and didn’t get the last two stories reviewed until last night, when I was, ironically, procrastinating on doing something else.

Clearly, the real secret to productivity is to make it so that you loop your procrastination around to the point where you are always getting stuff done.

This set of stories is a bit eclectic, but contains five real winners. One is a very short story that has one real note, but it is a very punchy one. One is a view into Equestria’s future, and what it really means to help other ponies. One is a story about Rarity wagering her virginity in a game of poker, and desperately trying to get it back. One is a story about Applejack throwing knives at Rainbow Dash in the name of love. And one is a story about Pinkie Pie trying to find the perfect gift for Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.

Today’s stories:

The Treaty by totallynotabrony

Intern by GaPJaxie

Rarity Loses Her Virginity in a Poker Game by MrNumbers

Ponies and Throwing Knives by HoofBitingActionOverload

The Gift That Keeps On Giving by Pascoite

The Treaty

by totallynotabrony

Dark, Human

1,234 words The war has gone on for far too long. To end it, Celestia just has to sign the treaty.

Why I recommend it: Celestia dealing with an alien invasion.

Review

Equestria has been invaded. Celestia is up late in her study, waiting for a human general to come to sign a treaty. Celestia just wants the war to be over. But the human wants to make sure that Princess Celestia understands just what it is she is signing Equestria up for, and gives her a bit of background on humanity…

This was a tightly written and compact little story in the vein of Humanity, Fuck Yeah! stories. The twist at the end of the piece works well, and the whole thing is very short, to the point, and delivers on the idea that it was aiming for. For something which clocks in at only 1,200 words, this does a good job of pulling in the audience and delivering something worth reading.

Recommendation: Recommended.

Intern

by GaPJaxie



Slice of Life

4,715 words Ant Mill is a college student, stuck in a dead-end internship she took just to fulfill her requirements. All she does is doodle and wish she was somewhere else, but when she has a chance encounter with the Princess of Friendship herself, she gains a new perspective.

Why I recommend it: A very different kind of view of the future of Equestria.

Review

Intern is a somewhat unusual story; posted after I started doing reviews, I read it just before I started doing my Read It Now reviews, and consequently, I never wrote a review for it.

Which is too bad, as it is a very good bit of writing.

Once upon a time, there was a pegasus pony named Ant Mill. Or, well, a changeling named Ant Mill. Because sure, technically she was biologically a pony but her dad was a changeling and she grew up in the hive and she super identified with changeling culture and even got a tattoo on her legs to make it look like they had holes but everypony just thought she was dappled and she tried to explain but they all assumed she was a changeling in a pony form and were all “But if you’re a shapeshifter why not look like somepony pretty?” and then she’d get super angry and they’d realize they messed up and sure they’d say sorry but it would just be really awkward which didn’t help anything because frankly she already had a lot of self-esteem issues. Ant Mill was an intern. Specifically, she was a student intern at Equestrian United Semiconductors’ division of economic forecasting, and she was there to fulfill her second year practical experience graduation requirements. The job wasn’t particularly relevant to her interests—she was studying literature—but the school insisted on a full semester’s internship with one of the companies on their approved list. Ant Mill had picked EUS because one of her friends had told her that working there was just like living in a hive, and Ant Mill was admittedly a little homesick. That plan backfired fairly quickly. Apparently her “friend” hadn’t meant that it was a safe, supportive, open community that really values its cultural identity. No, apparently she meant that it was regimented, uncreative, and boring. Also, that she was super racist. But by that point, there was nothing Ant Mill could do. Things could have been worse. Everything was well organized and easy to understand, and Ant Mill wasn’t just fetching coffee or running errands. She gave it her best try, and she did have to admit that if she cared even a little bit about demand forecasting for semiconductor components, it would have been a good experience. But she didn’t care, and so when her initial supply of work ethic and good spirit ran out, the job quickly degraded into an endless procession of graphs and ponies in grey suits. Ant Mill ended up spending most of her time trying to think of poetic ways to describe her work environment, or doodling herself fighting time traveling giant robots. They were about the same size as the doodle of herself, but it was simple to assume she was also giant to make them easier to fight.

Ant Mill is a changeling who is presently working on an internship at an electronics company. At a meeting, she notices a pony who seems her age, maybe even younger, who seems to be in charge of the meeting. But she can’t be a pony – she’s too young, and moreover, she’s got wings and a horn. She has to be a changeling. I mean, it isn’t like a princess would be working middle management at an electronics company, right?

Ant Mill is a fun little character; a surprisingly mundane character with great dreams who is working a dreary job, I’m sure many of you can relate to that – even if you don’t work, you’re probably used to living a mundane life, with school work, technology all around you, a world in which you are little more than a cog in the great machine of Society.

And so, when Ant Mill realizes she is talking to the Twilight Sparkle – the pony from the money, the immortal, 2,000 year old princess of friendship, the greatest mage in all of Equestria, a mare who has seen it all – working middle management, it is a fundamental disruption to her world view. Special ponies are special. Why would someone like Twilight Sparkle – who obviously doesn’t need the money – be doing what she is doing? What is the point? Why isn’t she off saving Equestria or something?

But as Ant Mill soon learns, Twilight Sparkle is a much more complicated pony than she thinks – and her decision is far more meaningful than Ant Mill realizes.

This is a philosophical piece which centers on two characters who are well-drawn, as is standard for GaPJaxie’s stories. We’re given some fun insight into the way that Ant Mill thinks, and it sets us up for understanding how Twilight thinks, and how the modern world of Equestria came to be. I’m not sure if I really buy it being 2,000 years after the show, but it being a long time after the show is not unreasonable, and Twilight’s decisions ultimately make sense, and boil down to a very interesting view of what makes a pony special, and what it means to be special in the modern world.

I really love this piece, and it is one of those things that proves Cold in Gardez’s adage, that stories about ponies are stories about people. This is a story about people, and it is a story about people that you should read, because it says a lot not only about Twilight’s view of the world, but about how we should look at the world around us.

Recommendation: Highly Recommended.

Rarity Loses Her Virginity in a Poker Game

by MrNumbers



Comedy, Slice of Life

7,570 words Our six heroes decide to settle down for the night with a few bottles of their choice beverage and a few hands of poker. The night was going so well until Rarity decided to wager her virginity. Now she's desperate to get it back.

Why I recommend it: The third chapter.

Review

Rarity is just about out of chips, and she’s the big blind in her poker game with her friends. Sure, she’s had a few drinks, but she’s not DRUNK – she’s just tipsy, that’s all. Sure, she has trouble reading her friends when they’re drunk (which definitely has nothing to do with her own imbibing of alcohol), but she has two aces in the pocket – victory is all but certain.

So, wanting to cash in on her excellent hand, she does the only logical thing – she wagers her virginity. On a piece of paper.

Of course, it isn’t like one of her friends is going to cash it in or anything, right? She can trust them, can’t she?

This is a very, very silly story about Rarity trying to get (the right to) her virginity back, and while the first chapter is pretty much in the story description, and the second chapter goes more or less as one might expect, chapter 3’s continual escalation of the situation is what really makes this piece.

Recommendation: Recommended.

Ponies and Throwing Knives

by HoofBitingActionOverload



Romance

11,609 words Rainbow Dash closed her eyes, trying to think about anything but the straps that bound her to the wooden board. She cracked one eye open just enough to see Applejack, smiling mouth full of the knives that would soon be racing though the air towards her. The things some ponies will do for love...

Why I recommend it: It forges a relationship between Rainbow Dash and Applejack in a way I’ve never seen before. Nothing builds trust like having deadly weapons hurled at you.

Review

Rainbow Dash has a crush on Applejack. But she can’t just, you know, come out and say it. That would be totally uncool. She has to like, impress her into liking her.

So when a knife throwing competition comes along, and Applejack manages to taunt her into competing, Rainbow Dash thinks it is her chance to impress.

Except it turns out that you have to have a partner for it, and Applejack has already signed up with her.

Oh, and knife throwing is actually about throwing knives at another pony while they’re strapped to a piece of wood.

A spinning piece of wood.

So this is pretty much the best way ever to impress Applejack… if she doesn’t screw up and accidentally kill Rainbow Dash with the throwing knives.

Rainbow Dash trusts Applejack to do it right, right?

This is a very cute story of Rainbow Dash being in more than a little bit of denial. If you’re familiar with HoofBitingActionOverload’s excellent Spring is Dumb, you’re likely familiar with Rainbow Dash’s voicing here, though she isn’t quite so deeply in denial here.

This story fits quite a bit of emotion into Rainbow Dash’s thoughts, and it is a fun read as Rainbow Dash is a total brat with a crush and it is completely adorable. Applejack, too, works quite well, and her little trust exercise with Rainbow Dash – along with her combination of patience and confidence – is really fun to watch.

If you’re an AppleDash fan, this is a piece you shouldn’t miss.

Recommendation: Recommended.

The Gift that Keeps On Giving

by Pascoite



Drama

5,155 words The Princesses' birthday celebration is here again, and Mayor Mare needs a scapegoat—er, trusted citizen—to handle Ponyville's gift. Certainly, deciding what to get for an ancient ruler who's seen everything will be a piece of cake. Hm, cake. Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Why I recommend it: A heartwarming Pinkie Pie story.

Review

Once every five years, everypony in Equestria presents their gifts to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. This tiresome occaision for the princesses is fundamentally an excuse for all the cities to show off, and Celestia feels quite guilty about it, because it is pure, sheer nonsense and oftentimes carries excessive expense. But everypony insists on doing it; getting it down to once every five years was a compromise.

This year, Mayor Mare decides that Ponyville will bake Luna and Celestia a cake, because they have the greatest bakers in Equestria who are presently active. But Mrs. Cake is extremely busy.

So Pinkie Pie offers to do it for her.

It shouldn’t be too hard – just have to make the best cake ever, right? Even better than the ones that the royal bakers – who will probably bake a cake for the occasion – would make.

Pinkie Pie rapidly realizes that no gift will really do for ponies who have everything they could ever want or need, and if they ever lacked anything, they could simply ask for it and get it. So what’s the point? But there must be something…

This is the story of Pinkie Pie coming up with and giving the perfect gift for the Princesses. We are left wondering and worrying alongside Pinkie Pie throughout the whole piece whether or not she will be able to come up with the right gift for the pair, and in the end, she seems defeated, but she has brought one thing.

If this story has a flaw, it is that it is at times very expository, especially towards the beginning. The background at the start of the piece is a bit awkwardly delivered, and it feels like it could have been more natural at times in getting across its ideas, and feels a bit convoluted.

That said, the story ultimately has a solid payoff, and once it gets rolling, it really smooths out, leading in the end to a properly heartfelt conclusion.

Recommendation: Recommended.

Summary

The Treaty by totallynotabrony

Recommended Intern by GaPJaxie

Highly Recommended Rarity Loses Her Virginity in a Poker Game by MrNumbers

Recommended Ponies and Throwing Knives by HoofBitingActionOverload

Recommended The Gift That Keeps On Giving by Pascoite

Recommended

Reading Ponies and Throwing Knives reminded me that I have never actually done a proper review of Spring is Dumb, I just told everyone to read it for like, a month.

Clearly, I need to get on that. A month isn’t nearly enough.