Turns out that Tom is petrified of some alien guy called Xenu, who, according to the teachings of Scientology, is a bit of a bastard (or "intergalactic warlord" in Scientology speak) with a serious bone to pick with Earth because um, he's just, err … really cranky with us or something. "Tom is tired of his beliefs being portrayed as nutty," says the mag. "As far as he's concerned, his ideas are totally reasonable and he's sick of having to justify them to non-believers."

Rightio. Better start digging under the garage then and stocking up on water bottles and tins of tomato soup. Afflicted with a similar reality-distorting condition is Pamela Anderson. NW reports that the world's most famous pair of double-E breasts has married her new boyfriend of six minutes, Rick Saloman, the internet porn filmmaker behind the Paris Hilton sex tape. The quickie union comes about seven minutes after Pammy's last bikini-clad wedding, to Kid Rock, which lasted about one minute. At least Pam will be guaranteed a new acting gig - prepare for the net's newest sex tape sensation - Wham Bam, Thank You, Pam II.

Again. Gotta make a living somehow, guys. It appears that Angelina Jolie has taken a leaf out of Pammy's book and invested in a new pair of "bullet boobs", according to Famous. The magazine arrived at this important conclusion after comparing a picture of the scrawny star looking flat-chested in June to a new pic of her sporting pointy Betty Page breasts. The mag even went so far as to "consult" a plastic surgeon to confirm its theory.

Boobs aside, Ange has some other issues on her plate. She has become a bit of a lush, says Famous, making her prone to spontaneous collapse. "She doesn't eat so when she does drink, the booze hits her so hard she collapses," says the mag. No more wines for you, Ange, unless they're accompanied by a very large steak and pile of greasy chips. Famous quickly moves on to the ever-popular celebrity porn/sex tape beat, with the news that we're about to see a lot more of Demi Moore.

Her toyboy husband, Ashton Kutcher, kept nude pics of Demi on his mobile phone, maybe so he didn't forget what her bum looked like when he ducked out of the house for a loaf of bread. That's fine if you're into that kind of thing, except that butter-fingers Kutcher lost his mobile during a recent trip to Spain. The lucky bugger who found the phone, which was left in the back of a cab, could become the world's newest millionaire. He has offered the pics to the National Enquirer for $US1 million. Looks like we'll be getting to know Demi's bum, too, now. Thanks, Ash.

Thanks, Ash.