Washington Post professional opinion-haver, alleged liberal and racist Richard Cohen churned out quite a gem this morning "in defense of tipping," regaling the reader with his personal reasons for not wanting to see the uniquely American capitalist power-trip go the way of "the tie or the dinner jacket." And, to put it generously, it's really creepy.

Recently, influential restaurateur Danny Myer decided to get rid of tipping in his 13 New York City restaurants, arguing that the practice was too inconsistent and complex, but Cohen wasn't having any of it. His piece, which head-fakes toward empathy at the exploitative nature of tipping (complete with the obligatory "I waited tables before the war" caveat), quickly devolves into a 50 Shades of Grey-type description of how much he enjoys the asymmetrical power dynamics of tipping for their own sake. Read for yourself:

The waiter is my guy for the duration of the meal. He’s my agent. He looks out for me and, if he does a good job, I look out for him. He has an incentive to give me exceptional service, not some mediocre minimum, to ensure that my water glass is full, that my wine is replenished, to make sure that the busboy does not prematurely remove the plates — that I am not hurried along so that the owner can squeeze in another sitting. The waiter is my wingman.

Note to rich foodies everywhere: the waiter is not your wingman. The waiter may act like your wingman, he may have, through the nonstop alienation of capitalism, convinced himself he is your wingman, but the waiter is there to serve as much food as fast as possible while meeting the customers' needs so as to maximize his employer's profit. Fair enough, but the way Cohen describes it, he seems to be ignoring the power dynamics at work and the compulsory performance his waitstaff is required to put on. It gets weirder:

The tip is recognition of service well-performed. It shows that I care, that I notice — that I recognize what the restaurateur way back in the kitchen does not because he cannot. Why would I want to treat everyone as if they were equally good at their tasks? I like to reward, but occasionally I like to punish. Make my meal an ordeal, make me anxious about whether you got the order straight, and no 20 percent tip will come your way. Maybe that’s not democratic, but a meal is not a town hall meeting.

Notice he isn't compelled to punish, he "likes" it. How turning a dining experience into a Randian exercise in accountability and class power makes eating more enjoyable, to say nothing of more just, is never revealed. Richard Cohen doesn't want to get rid of tipping because it has any societal value, he doesn't want to get rid of it because, and I don't say this flippantly, the power game seems to slightly get him off. The whole description is him relishing his position as arbiter of how someone worth a fraction of his wealth is performing their grueling, thankless tasks. Even after plowing through the statistics that show restaurants are exploitative and full of sexual harassment, Cohen dismisses these concerns simply because he likes punishing hapless waiters who may not have been on their A-game that day.

Waiters serve food for one reason: our capitalist overlords haven't invented a robot that can do it cheaper. Cohen is holding onto a classist, dated romantic vision of waiting tables that's far more about the waitstaff acting happy than being happy. A steady paycheck, health insurance, not having to grovel to every creepy old man who walks in—this is what waiters want. Acting as Richard Cohen's wingman? That's a job for Richard Cohen's friends, assuming any of them want the job.

h/t Ned Resnikoff