The New York Times recently reported that the forensic scientist behind the alleged killing of Jamal Khashoogi, a former columnist at The Washington Post, encourages his fellow, alleged assassins to listen to music while dismembering their targets. I got the incredible opportunity to find out what kinds of tunes these cool dudes play while they carry out their work. The scientist, for whatever reason, decided to remain anonymous for this short interview. I told him I can’t understand why anyone would want to hide their identity if they have such incredible taste in music but, nonetheless, I carried on.

1. “A lot of songs by Phish”

This decision certainly surprised me as I thought anyone who graduated from medical school was condemned to live a life without the pleasure of listening to jam bands. I mean, I really thought it was part of the law, or at least de facto law. Anyway, the forensic scientist I spoke to told me that he enjoys listening to jam bands while he allegedly dismembers people because “Their songs are often very long and the process of allegedly dismembering journalists takes a lot of time.”

2. “ASMR covers of popular black-metal songs from the mid to late 1990’s”

This, to me, couldn’t have been a more obvious choice for this playlist. The scientist justified this curative decision by saying that while regular black-metal is “thematically congruent with committing an alleged murder” it is also “too loud for my sensitive ears.”

3. ” ‘Boom Boom Boom’ by The Outhere Brothers”

The scientist told me that he has this song on repeat throughout the playlist. “I really enjoy this track.” they said. “These brothers all work together in harmony to create one things. Even ‘the brother with the offbeat flow’ is allowed to express himself through rhyme and rhythm. It’s kind of like our own little team of alleged murderers, you know what I mean? We all come together, with all our separate skill sets, and accomplish something that none of us could accomplish on our own.”

4. “Honestly, Just Anything As Long As It Isn’t Country”

Now that’s what I call a sensible choice to make when curating a playlist. When I heard the scientist tell me this, I knew I could trust his taste in music. Anyone who can write off entire genres must certainly dedicate a good portion of their lives to discovering new music. However, I can’t imagine the kind of heartbreak one must feel after they’ve listened to an entire genre only to write it off from their taste in music completely.

[Hello, this message from within the brackets of sincerity is a reminder that this post (along with all the posts on this blog) is satirical. The citation I made to the NY Times is legit but it only serves as inspiration for this post. Also, I’m sorry I haven’t been making regular posts lately. These days I feel distracted, if you want to know the truth. I think I’ll try to write more long-form stuff in the future and make a post at least once a week. Anyway, thank you for your patience and I hope you’ve enjoyed my work so far.]