CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their oldest brother, Dennis, was setting the bar so low. “Dennis barely had the grades to get into the local state college and then took six years to graduate, so as long as I get in anywhere and don’t drop out, Mom and Dad should be completely fine with it,” said Eric, 15, whose sister confirmed how much they appreciate Dennis taking the pressure off them by living way out near the airport in a basement studio apartment he can only afford because their parents help with the rent. “And considering how he’s never in a relationship that lasts more than a few dates, Mom and Dad are going to be thrilled when I bring literally anyone home to meet them. Basically, all Theresa and I have to do is not be total fuckups and we’re golden.” Sources later reported that after receiving a text message from Dennis informing them he had been fired from his job at Walgreens, the two siblings immediately went downstairs to casually slip the information into a conversation with their parents.

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