This ‘meta-romantic, heart-ripping-out-ly-intense’ darn pop song has embedded itself in my brain for several hours on repeat yet again (thank you, radio!) and I realized I finally had to do something about it.

I am dead certain when Bruno Mars had written ‘Grenade’, he did NOT have me in his mind. I am just as dead certain he is completely oblivious to the fact of my existence (as of now), but unfortunately I am not oblivious to his latest radio hit. It happens to irk the living heck out of me. For the purpose of the upcoming letter, I thus presume this song was written for me as a note, but not by Bruno. Instead, I presume it was a potential personal hero of my own. This is what I have to say to that hothead:

“Dear personal hero…

It’s not that I cannot appreciate the emotional intensity of your message to me, or the possible value of your willingness to sacrifice your most precious asset for me… However, allow me please to reply to your note in due detail…

For starters, you pass an unfavorable judgement upon me in the very first two lines – what a great way to begin a dedication to someone you claim to be ready to give your life for! Is that supposed to be something to make me realize just how precious you are? Well, it’s rather a major FAIL… Fine, maybe you are not the most eloquent writer of all times, but you probably should be old enough (judging from you being old enough for heroisms of all sorts) to realize that guilt-tripping a lady into admiring her suitor is a foul tactic either way.

“Easy come, easy go

That’s just how you live“, you say, as if it was such a horrific tactic to life…

Ehm, well, yeah! There is enough foe and woe and stress and distress in this world for me to not take at least my own little life a bit easier, DUH! In addition, maybe you simply have not reached an understanding of the fact that nothing in the universe has a tendency to actually last for actually ever… Even in the tiny time-frame of a human lifetime, nothing is permanent. Events and people and influences can just as suddenly enter my life-frame as they can exit. I regard trying to insist on permanence of anything as rather emotionally immature (or maybe it’s just because one of my favorite artworks of all times is “Persistence of Memory” by Dali…), or at the very least out of touch with reality. If you, dear hero, blame me for allowing life to take its course and playing along instead of against it when I can, maybe you need a chill pill…

You yet proceed with accusations, this time of selfishness.

“Take, take, take it all,

But you never give“…

I will spare the comment on the necessity of learning to accept what is given when it is given, but this inevitably leaves me to wonder just how do you know that? Is your harsh assessment based on objective analysis of my entire life with all its interactions and an immaculate account of all the give-take transactions of all possible kinds ever conducted? Ah, nope? Thought so… So, basically, it all is nothing but “you turned ME down, so you’re a selfish b***h!”…

Wait, weren’t you out to impress me by this song?… You’re so far doing a lousy job with your ‘kid in a store who screams ‘I hate you!’ at mom for not buying candy’ level of emotional development, mate…

It only gets better (actually, worse) from there on…

“Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss“…

Next time, my dear hero, if you discover a source of personal premonition in all matters, please dial me up and suggest some lottery numbers. Until that day, scratch the stupid ‘should have known’ phrase out of your vocabulary. Did you ever notice you use it only in retrospect? There is a major cosmic reason for it: future is unknown, and we all get into all sorts of trouble for that exact reason. Guess what though? That trouble is what allows us to find our inner strength, direction, determination, and to appreciate all the good and precious gifts of life. Still grumpy?… Grow the f**k up.

“Why were they open?“, you ask… For the same reason that any door is open – it simply is. Whether or not to walk through is completely up to you, so guess who is to ‘blame’? 😉

“Gave you all I had

And you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, you did“

Dear hero, I do, of course, appreciate the metaphorical meaning of this phrase. However, so far you only gave me a) a bashing over allowing life to take its course b) another bashing for your inability to see the future and c) yet another bashing over me simply being there (as well as having the lips open for your kiss in the first place). Pray thee, if THAT’s “all” you have (as you say you gave me all you have already, and that’s all you gave me so far), I wonder why it still puzzles you as to why I may not be so psyched about forever attaching myself to such a wonderful piece of gold that you are for the rest of my life just about yet. I, on the other hand, am very clear on my reasons (one of them cam be summed up as: “dude, are you for real???!!!”)

You still proceed, however. “To give me all your love is all I ever asked“… As if THAT wasn’t WAAAAAAAAY too much to begin with?

Suppose I could actually give absolutely all the love that I am capable of to one single person. What makes YOU so worthy of it in the first place? You telling me how foul of a dame I am? Or your suicidal tendencies, which we will get to later?

Then again, don’t you think that demand is just a tad bit way out of the line? Do you mean that I am supposed to stop loving my family, friends, fellow human beings as a collective whole, planet Earth as my home and all creatures on it, and my life as well – and channel ALL that love to YOU and you alone? Have you checked into a ward with an extreme case of Narcissism yet? Because maybe you should!

And here comes the cherry on the cake – you personal take on a heroic way to win over the heart of your princess:

“Cause what you don’t understand is” (oh I do, dear, I do – I’m just afraid YOU don’t…)

“I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)

You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Oh, oh

I would go through all this pain,

Take a bullet straight through my brain,

Yes, I would die for ya baby“

Right, Mr. hero… Just how to explain this to you… You see, let us presume, for a moment, that you actually manage to win my heart over by any of the above-mentioned acts of heroism. But then again, the most likely outcome of that would be: 1. Me: won over 2. You: dead.

Question: I am no necrophiliac, mind you, so what use is there for me to be won over by someone who is dead an instant later anyway?… Is it meant to make my life happier in some way? Well, let’s say it saves my life, even (and I am won over, remember)… That’d mean I am doomed to an eternity of guilt-tripping over someone dying in my place. Best of all, I would lose the one I love the most, too. Even better: it’s that one and the same tragedy that ensures both. In other words: in my survivor-guilt-filled life after your heroic suicide for my sake I will forever regard myself as a first-hand murderer of the person I love the most. In the best-case scenario you’d be severely maimed (which is just as bad, if not worse, as being dead). In either case, it’s bloody horrible.

So if you think this is a great legacy to leave your princess with, maybe go watch some other kind of movies. You say you’d do anything for me? Well, in my universe, I’d prefer your heroic ass to duck for safety as quick as you can (hopefully grabbing me by the hand to do the same just in time to escape the imminent danger) and to SURVIVE. It may sound all puffed up and ‘cool’ to ‘die for someone’, but in my hero handbook LIVING for someone ranks higher (and smarter… dying doesn’t take quite as much brain capacity as surviving a danger). I’d appreciate my hero there with me unharmed, dedicating a life to me, if anything. Not a death, if at all possible. Thank you.

“But you won’t do the same“, you conclude.

Well, no I won’t. For the same exact reasons described above but with reversed roles. Plus, I also have a load of personal plans for my life, and they involve making the lives of many people in the world better. In other words, well-being of millions depends on me, I cannot let them down by dying, sorry…

Dear personal hero, I will thus conclude this letter to you. I could go in detail about the rest of your crazy self-absorbed rant, but I sincerely hope you get the message from what I have laid bare thus far. If you do, go through the appropriate behavioral and cognitive up-grades and then come back for a chat. If not – I am afraid that would only serve as a very good reason why I should not bother too much with you in the first place.

Sincerely (not) yours,

Un-impressed princess.”