Hinge promised to be everything the other dating apps weren't. It was meant to be an emotionally deep and wholesome alternative to a quick shag on Tinder. But instead, it's a breeding ground for very average, middle-class Wes Anderson obsessed Londoners, earnestly looking for love and saying stuff like "if loving this is wrong, I don't want to be right – taramasalata" or "the way to win me over is – laughing at my jokes." Oh and men who love this thing called "travel"? Would! you! believe! it!

Somehow managing to pool all the worst men in your area, Hinge is neatly made up of these (and only these) eight stereotypes you will to come across:

The classic grad boy who lives in Clapham

Meet the most normal person in London. He thinks he's claaaassic, but he's just like every other wanker from Clapham. He'll make predictable statements on his profile like: "All I ask is that you don't take yourself too seriously" and the others will be under the guise of the most mind-numbingly boring two truths and a lie: "I've been to A&E. I speak French. I am left-handed." Congrats mate.

His profile will include the following pictures: Playing rugby, a cute dog, downing pints at Oktoberfest, group picture with his mates, at a formal event and one in his sunglasses where you CAN'T SEE HIS ACTUAL FACE.

What he'll cry about first: Please, their toxic masculinity won't let them cry.

What he'll message you first: "Wow, you're a worldie."

The emotionally unavailable art boy

Hinge is dominated by boys with shaved heads, who only wear roll beanies, rolled up trousers, low Doc Martens and a Carhartt vest over a vintage t-shirt. This guy doesn't smile in any pictures and exclusively types in lower case. He has a picture of him smoking. All his pictures were taken on a disposable camera (side note: who can be bothered to do this?). He went to a uni like Goldsmiths and spends his weekends in vinyl shops. And he will know the best spot in town for ramen. His interest in French cinema is entirely a substitute for a personality and his desire for a deep emotional connection is absolutely a cry for psychotherapy.

He may seem interesting at first, but he is guaranteed to ruin your life. If things go beyond him coming over to your house in the middle of the night and disappearing in the morning, he will love-bomb you and then disappear into the abyss.

What he’ll cry about first: Their ex-girlfriend from sixth form who broke their heart and turned them into an absolute wreck. Seven years ago.

What he'll message you first: "You're so flawed and unstable. I love it."

The West London pardy boy

Will tell you he doesn't want to talk about politics because he knows he massively benefits from being a Conservative voting cis white male living in Fulham. Wears loafers, a signet ring and various striped shirts. Has headed up a few failed start-ups. His whole Hinge account screams of wealth. Probably went to Bristol uni. Travels a lot to obscure places. Has most definitely been approached by MIC but declined because he didn't want to bring shame upon the family name.

What he'll cry about first: The thought of doing an actual 9-5.

What he'll message you first: "Well a very good morning to you x"

The zone 4-6 boy

Just out of a long-term relationship with his childhood sweetheart. Will tell you he thought they were going to get married in his fourth message to you. Works in real estate. Clearly has no idea how to use a dating app. His first picture will have a horrible Instagram filter on it (probably Valencia) and his third will be a picture of his torso no one asked to see. Likes Harry Potter. You can smell the desperation for a rebound from Bromley. No thanks pal.

What he'll cry about first: His ex-girlfriend called Jessica, who is now engaged to someone else.

What he'll message you first: "Heeeey."

The international wantrepreneur

You don't know the deal with this guy. Is he trying to date or connect with your on LinkedIn? His first two photos are always professionally shot and there's always one of him on a boat. He will have "CEO at self employed" or "Entrepreneur" on his profile. His profile will say shit like: "All I ask is that you're ambitious and have your own dreams."

If you ever have the unfortunate pleasure of going on a date with this man, all he will do is talk about himself, his work and his ambitions. He'll boast about the time he did a Ted talk at his uni once and how he started a new company. He will definitely own a fedora. The highlight of his day is "my morning coffee" and "listening to podcasts."

What he'll cry about first: No one downloading his stupid new app.

What they'll message you first: A really serious philosophical question.

The globe trotter, spiritual boy

You'd think it's a parody account, but all his pictures and answers are about travel. He'll try to shoehorn a travelling story into absolutely everything, like that time he nearly died in Cambodia. He'll be super tanned and will take a lot of posed pictures. Whether he's skiing or climbing a sand dune, there will be a picture for every season of the year. His Instagram makes it look like the only thing he does is go on holiday but he actually has a normal 9-6 job.

What he'll cry about first: Running out of pages in his passport.

What they'll message you first: "That's such an amazing name, is it from (insert random country name here), I went there last summer!"

The ironic boy

This guy thinks he's too good for Hinge, so he'll act like everything is a joke to him. Will have really dark, pixelated photos of himself or just straight up weird memes. If he decides to upload a picture of himself, it will be a really unattractive one of him doing something "funny", or holding a cat. He'll answer all his questions with the same word. He'll take you to Spoons on your first date. Takes regular naps. Wears flannel shirts. Will make really bad jokes only he gets. Thinks he's really weird and that's his whole thing. Also thinks he's too complicated for you. Sits in on the weekend with his mates and does loads of drugs. Drinks the cheapest drink but pretends it's his favourite anyway. Loves a Tyskie. Probably lives in Dulwich.

What he'll cry about first: His local football team losing a game.

What he'll message you first: "Pints?"

The festival kethead

One thing is clear, this guy loves a good festival. His photos are all group pictures, so you will spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one he is. Then you'll assume he's the one who always seems off his face in every single one. He sports a variety of fun and garish charity shop shirts, with small glasses and is guaranteed to have glitter on his face and beard. Probably lives in Peckham and will take about a week to reply to your first message. You are unsure whether it's worth pursuing anyway because there is a constant risk of pilly willy.

What he'll cry about first: Someone stealing his favourite bucket hat. Or Houghton being cancelled.

What he'll message you first: "Hey. Sorry I didn't reply for ages, I was at Dekmantel."

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