1. Igor, A.K.A., the little jumping flea/monkey dude from Castlevania





Igor first appears in stage 3, spastically jumping around in chaotic fashion. He also appears in stage 4 as a boss (with Frankenstein's monster), but the focus of my ire is the generic, non-boss version. Igor will crash into you repeatedly, quickly draining away health if you aren't careful. The most annoying thing about Igor is that there is no semblance of a pattern to his movements. The Medusa heads are annoying, but at least they move in a predictable wave-like pattern. Trying to figure out where Igor is going to jump next is as frustrating as trying to masturbate to the scrambled Spice channel when you're in high school and too afraid to own a real porno should your mother discover it. For the record, my mom was a nosy bitch. It was three weeks before I could look her in the eye when she found my "Intercourse With The Vampire" video while "cleaning" my room.

2. Red Bubbles from The Legend of Zelda

Appearing only in the second quest of The Legend of Zelda, red bubbles derive you of the ability to use your sword should they touch you. To be able to use your sword again, you must find and touch a blue bubble. The annoyance was -- besides the obvious condition of not being to use your sword and getting attacked by enemies -- traveling to other rooms of the dungeon, often backtracking, to find a blue bubble. It was like the red bubbles caused Link impotence, and only a blue bubble could restore his manhood. An interesting parallel to Viagra, I suppose, right down to the blue color of the pill and "good" bubble, to the red color of the "bad" bubble and the blister I saw on my girlfriend's crotch that led to my impotence.

3. Eggplant Wizards from Kid Icarus

Many bizarre enemies inhabit the world of Pit in Kid Icarus, but none are as strange as the eggplant wizards. Similar to Zelda's red bubbles, the eggplant wizards are capable of rendering Pit unable to attack. These crafty bastards hurl enchanted eggplants in your direction, and if you get hit, you turn into a giant eggplant. I think I missed that Greek myth somewhere along the way. Anyway, as an eggplant, you have to travel through the level avoiding enemies long enough to reach a healing pool to return to your original form. The only problem is, you'd eventually have to go back to where the eggplant wizards were. It could be a long, repetitive process. But really, think about this for a second - getting turned into a fucking eggplant. How would you see? How could you breathe? Would you achieve some heightened sense of consciousness? There's just something about that whole concept that's incredibly unsettling. It's like watching a bukkake video with your dad.

4. Eagles or any other flying enemies in Ninja Gaiden

Jumping from platform to platform can be tricky enough for Ryu, but doing so while trying to avoid giant eagles can cause tantrums of which teenage boys shouldn't have. Not only can one hit from these assholes send you falling to your death, the game will "loop" the enemy, continually respawning them after you've killed one. Ninja Gaiden was always considered a tough game, and a major reason was because of the cheap ways you could die. The eagles were harbingers of that cheap bullshit, and I'm sure on many occassions I wished death upon the game's programmers and their children. But I would never do that now -- I was a kid, for crying out loud. Today, I'm old enough to find them and kill them myself.

5. Lakitu in Super Mario Bros.

Lakitu would ride in a cloud while dropping down spiny balls from above for the entire level. To make things more bothersome, if you managed to jump on his head and kill him, he'd quickly respawn and torment you some more. Finding a block high enough to get you within striking range of Lakitu was the easy part; landing on his head and not a freshly lobbed spiny ball was more difficult. To take Lakitu out, you had to be both careful and lucky. Sort of like not getting a disease from an Atlantic City prostitute when all you wore was a used flavored condom you found on the floor of the men's room. Shame I had to leave the next day; I would have spent a bit more time in the casino had I know the gods of fortune were smiling upon me that prior night.

6. Don Flamenco in Mike Tyson's Punch Out

No, not when you fight him the first time. That's easy. The second time, the left-right-left-right pattern of punching won't help at all. Instead, Flamenco keeps his distance, occassionally throwing a hard jab in between taunts. He'll block anything you throw at him, you'll turn pink, you'll dodge, recover, hit him a few times, and then it's back to waiting for a full minute before he throws another punch. I understand that perhaps many of you didn't have much trouble with Flamenco the second time around, but he always proved difficult for me. Tyson, of course, was difficult, but he's not on this list because of his "boss" status. I remember vividly one night I had erupted into tears after losing to Tyson for like the 56th time in a row. My dad came into my room and told me that I couldn't play Nintendo anymore that night. That's the first time I ever called my dad a cocksucker. It's also the first time he successfully stuffed me in my fish tank.

7. Red Demon from Ghosts N Goblins

Ghosts N Goblins is undoubtedly one of the most difficult games for the NES. You can basically get hit just twice before dying, the enemies are fast and unpredictable, and many of the enemies take a lot of damage before they die. As early as in the first stage, a red demon appears. He sits as you approach, sitting cross-legged and contemplating which positions he'll do when screwing your girlfriend after he knocks off your armor, revealing your silly boxers and humiliating you forever. He's a real bastard. There is a trick, though, that works from time to time. You can approach very slowly, and as he starts to appear on the screen, throw your weapon (if it's the blue flame, just reset the game; you're done) and hit him in the head. As soon as the weapon strikes the red demon, retreat in the opposite direction. With some luck, he'll be gone when you return. It's kind of cheap, but I've never been one who's above using tricks. You think my girlfriend would date me if she knew I was a felon with syphilis?

8. Metal Slime for Dragon Warrior

Extremely rare, the metal slime has only 4 hit points but rewards you with 115 experience points should you be fortunate enough to slay one. A big part of Dragon Warrior is gaining experience and leveling up, so when a metal slime appears only to run away, it's quite a tease. They really can't hurt you, so the annoyance factor isn't like that of a red demon, for example, but the way the metal slimes rub all that valuable experience in your face just to run off with it really gets my blood boiling. It's like the stripper that tells you you're the cutest guy she's danced for all night, but then she starts struggling and yelling when you go to kiss her on the mouth. Let me tell you, a six inch stilleto heel to the scrotum is not cool. I still say she was digging me, though.

9. Darknut from Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link





Darknuts were annoying in the original Zelda, but could be handled relatively easily with practice and patience. In Zelda 2, though, the Darknuts could move their shields as well as toss swords in your direction. It's very tough to hit a Darknut, and the fact that they can take a lot of damage means that you'll often battle one for a pretty long period of time. The most annoying Darknut is the boss of Palace 3 (he doesn't qualify as a real "boss" because he's basically just a regular Darknut after you knock him off that stupid floating horse - basically, once he is knocked off the horse, he ceases to be a boss, okay?). This guy will back up until he is off screen, where you are unable to go or hit him. As long as you attack, he'll stay offscreen, out of harm's way. Just when you've loured him back out to where you can hit him, he'll back up and offscreen again when you resume your attack. Zelda 2 was one of the very few games I never completed, and a lot of that had to do with Darknuts. There's a mandingo joke just begging to be made right about now.

10. Rocks on the Road in The Adventures of Bayou Billy

Bayou Billy is the second-hardest game on this list, after Ghosts N Goblins, but it's pretty close. Bayou Billy was essentially three styles of games in one: a fighting game, a first person shooter, and a driving game. The driving part was, by far, the most difficult and the most annoying. The poor, choppy graphics and lack of detail could cause seizures, but the real stress came from how easily you could be killed. Other Jeeps would try and crash into you and planes and helicopters would drop bombs in the road. Swerving off the road and into a post would result in death, as well. Many, many times I would outrun and destroy the enemy vehicles, all while staying on the road, only to be done in by the most annoying "enemy" in the game: a big fucking rock sitting in the middle of the fucking road. My car would blow to smithereens and then, in real life, I'd smash my controller to smithereens. I really should have started smoking weed when I was 10.