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The Dick Show Album charts at #2 in Billboard comedy, Vicodin hoarding nurses, brushing my teeth with new things, youth sports parents, Male Autism, FigBat DiggerNick gets kidney stones, UPS postage reuse, Larry’s Flag Day, Harmful Opinions talks Twitch ToS violations, uppity waitresses, customer service hostages, the Corporatocracy, David Hogg is a little POS, and the cuck bounty; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The Dick Show Album charts at #2 on Billboard Comedy and thusly, the show continues it’s proud tradition of celebrating the not-as-coveted, but far more important and more impressive #2 spot. Think about it, when you go to the bathroom, you’re not hoping for some boring number one, you’re hoping for a fully-satisfying, wall-rattling number two–one that knocks the door down. And if you’ve got a wife, it’ll be your side-hoe you’re thinking about to get you through the day. Believe that. Who’s got the hot, hot zingers? Is it me? No, it’s Sean. The proud legacy of the runner-up is baked in the DNA of The Dick Show, and we continue it today. Sour grapery and coping mechanisms aside, it is an incredible achievement. Congratulations to everyone involved and thank you for your support! We were beaten only by the power of Trump-hating and Netflix-special having by a living Cathy caricature, Kathleen Madigan. If you haven’t heard the album, check it out at thebestalbumintheuniverse.com, which it is, but first…

I used to think of our rights in the same way that a teenage girl thinks about romance. It’s just something that happens to you one day when you’re at a dramatic crossroads in your life. Living in a small town as an autocratic libertarian democracy without a care in the world. But adulthood is coming, and everyone you know is pushing you toward the oppressive statist pretty-boy with a chiseled chin and big boot and a plan to protect everyone from themselves through force. Sure, he’d be a good provider. He’s seized means of production. But there’s always that sense he’s going to give you five cruel and unusuals across the eyes if you’re too true to yourself. That’s when a beefy Uncle Sam with verboten syllogisms and the hottest memes from France, who’s had too much to think, swaggers into town and romances you away from folly of man into a bright future of actualization and drugs and self-armament and going to Mars.

I think about rights differently now. The romance and the pretty words are gone, and the sausage-making lies bare. And even as people like me and Asterios drop the equivalent of a down payment on a house to maintain the rights we were born with, companies driven by pure democracy powered by hashtags trip over themselves to take them away on the other end.

Where the founding fathers succeeded in imprisoning the evils democracy into the Phantom Zone of a republic, the companies built under its protection have usurped it, establishing their own fiefdoms of contracts, fealties of Terms of Service, and the divine mandate of the presumed optional–even though it isn’t, eliminating rights in pieces and eroding the concept of rights to the thunderous applause of libertarians and Constitutional hardliners, who are all private businesses and can do whatever they want. This is post-capitalism and it is inherently anti-male in as much as it is pro-advertising.

The militaristic spread of American ideals over the face of the Earth is essential to their survival, because there is no pause from those who seek to destroy them, so there can be no pause in their defense. We just picked the wrong target. It’s not the Taliban that’s the greatest threat to our way of life. We love blood and war. Always have, always will. The real threat to our way of life isn’t in the Middle East, it’s in Silicon Valley.

The Cuck Song by KenDollinHide, who by the way has a Patreon.



Closing TDS “VHS Horror” re-mix by VAGUE.



Dick Pics



The Lolsuit Lego Lawyer team by /u/Copperman.



Thumbnail that is not a joke by HeHeSillyComics.



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