Those corporate monsters! The evil government! Tracking your search history, reading your texts, and listening in on your conversations. How do big companies like Google and Amazon allowed to get away with this?! How dare the NSA invade my rights? I mean they’re infringing on your privacy to… make life more convenient and safer?…

Could someone please explain to me this outrage? What’s the issue here? I get it, it’s an invasion of privacy but it’s not like they’re being creepy about it. They surveil you only to make life easier and safer. Google collects data on individuals to build a profile so that you get ads that pertain to you. I hate ads but if I have to see them it may as well be something of interest to me. As a man, I don’t need bra ads. With Amazon it’s even better! I bought a box of Oreos the other day and it recommended me a specialized Oreo dunking mug. That is a fantastic item that I would not have found otherwise. Amazon is even working on predicting what you need before you realize it and recommending it to you which is amazing. They’re taking the effort out of shopping. Now it’ll just predict your next quarter life crisis and recommend that pint of ice cream you’re going to demolish while you cry and contemplate why no one wants to date you a week in advanced! As far as the NSA goes, the only reason they “spy” on you is to make sure you’re not a terrorist. They’re not using your webcam as a peep hole. Get off your high horse, no one wants to spy on your overweight ass. They’re invading your privacy to make sure you’re not a terrorist.

All of this convenience is totally worth the whole invasion of my privacy and basic rights thing They’re reading my texts? Oh no! Some guy from Silicon Valley knows that I lied about being sick so that I could stay home and rewatch Infinity War! Say it ain’t so! Let’s be real, do you think the NSA gives two shits about the text exchange you’re having about why no one likes you? Of course they don’t, no one cares about you.

I for one realize that I’m not special so it doesn’t matter who’s listening in. They’ll just get bored from the mundaneness of my web history and confused by the texts. Amazon, Google, and the NSA don’t care about your personal life, they just want to make money and catch terrorist. Get over yourself. I will gladly trade my freedom of internet privacy for convenience and safety. Don’t like it? Move to a different less safe country. Stop using google and start using browsers that don’t track you such as https://duckduckgo.com/ . Go shop at your local mall and waste time and money. You all do all that while I enjoy progress and modern innovation. Grow up.

In all seriousness, I agree that it is super creepy to receive ads for things that you spoke about but never searched. In a perfect world we’d get all the great conveniences of Amazon, Google, and the NSA without the creepy parts, but as the old saying goes “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” I personally prefer the Irish version “You can’t have a drunk wife and a belly full of wine.” It makes way more sense, but I digress. My point is that everyone needs to stop complaining about being spied on. You’re not special, no one cares about your personal life. Big companies just want to make money off making life easier. Take it easy and order some xanax online.

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