It was the great Pacific Northwest philosopher Ian Karmel who once said about Portland “sometimes all we have in common are wet socks and the Blazers.” And now that I’ve moved away from my hometown, being able to duck into a bar to catch a game is one of the things I miss most. So, before I forget, it’s time to impart the knowledge I’ve gained from years of field research — here is the definitive, incomplete list of the best bars in Portland for watching Blazer games.

A quick note: I’m not gonna include fancy gastropub-type places, because frankly, I hate those places. Rule of thumb: don’t watch a Blazer game somewhere if either a) folks get uncomfortable when you yell “WHAT ARE YOU DOING MEYERS LEONARD” for the fifth time in five minutes or b) there’s veganaise on the menu.

To the bars:

Marathon Taverna

1735 W Burnside St

Possibly Portland’s all-time greatest mix of homeless people, sorority girls, career day drinkers, young professionals, and off-duty strippers. Your quintessential downtown bar. This is where a guy yells in your face about seeing Kevin Duckworth at Acropolis in 1995, or a 20-something in impeccable Jordans tells you about when Ndamukong Suh beat up a teacher in the 8th grade. And there’s $3 mini pitchers. What’s not to like?

Nick’s Coney Island

3746 SE Hawthorne Blvd

Nick’s Coney Island is about as Old Portland as a naked Bud Clark eating King Burrito with Terrell Brandon while playing keytar to “I Can’t Wait” in the Hotcake House parking lot. A Hawthorne staple since the 30s, Nick’s has seen it all. The walls are an Oregon sports fan’s wet dream: front page from when the Blazers won the championship? They got it framed for you to look at while taking a leak. An oasis of constance in the neighborhood I grew up in, but don’t recognize anymore.

Backstage

3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd (on 37th, behind the Bagdad Theatre)

Portland’s favorite sport (other than basketball) is shitting on McMenamins. And fair enough. Service is always spotty and getting food that doesn’t end in “urger” or “ater tots” is a gamble. But there’s a reason the McMenamins business model succeeds: let’s face it, people like getting drunk in interesting buildings. Enter Backstage’s high ceilings, hidden rooms, and weird-ass mural of, as the website puts it, “the various tales, characters and memories from the Bagdad since its opening in 1927.” Add a giant screen and plentiful seats and it’s easy to see what makes this a great place to catch a game. You really haven’t lived until you hear Mike Rice yell “I don’t know what Monty McCutchen is looking at!” and it echoes through the cavernous main room at Backstage.

Mad Greek Deli

1740 E Burnside St

Definitely the best soccer bar to watch basketball at. Open since 1977, Mad Greek is a Burnside institution. Lots of old neighborhood folks still come here, and that’s what makes it great. Get a $7 gyro and a tallboy of Tecate. If the Blazers win, they just might give you a shot of ouzo on the house. This is the spot.

Claudia’s

3006 SE Hawthorne Blvd

Barstools that look like captain chairs. Pictures of neighborhood softball teams from the 60s. A loud drunk guy that high fives everyone (yes, everyone) before each game. This is the place. One time I saw a guy I went to middle school with here and before I could say what’s up he got into a fight with an old man over karaoke. Claudia’s is dope.

Maui’s

3508 N Williams Ave

My favorite bar for Blazer games and maybe my favorite bar period. I had my going away party on their back patio. Here’s what makes Maui’s great:

Cheap drinks: My first time at Maui’s I asked if they had any drink specials going on and the bartender just looked at me all weird and said “yeah, our drink special is everything is cheap.” You gotta try pretty hard to spend over $15 here. Blazers are first priority: If there’s a Blazer game on, Maui’s will, without question, be playing it with sound. Even if the Timbers are playing, even if the Ducks are playing, even if the damn SuperBowl is on. The clientele: Maui’s is an Everyone Welcome bar in a neighborhood that increasingly has fewer and fewer Everyone Welcome establishments. Transplants and old heads coexist here, and everyone is into the game. Food: Don’t get the food at Maui’s. It’s horrible. They only have it because they’re required to by law. HOWEVA! They let you bring in outside food, and there’s a New Seasons and a food cart pod one block away. One time I saw a woman bring in an entire bowl of pho. Not a takeout container — a porcelain bowl brought from home, filled to the brim. What a country!

Honorable Mention: Club 21, Holman’s, George’s Corner, Old Town Pizza on MLK, Tom’s