The 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards

Los Angeles is a city of warlocks and witchcraft and that's the truth. The residents that aren't actual, professional witches still practice magic accidentally by buying crystals or repeating the mantra "everything happens for a reason" too often. Basically, when you have a city where millions of people are saging their apartments every morning you are bound to collectively open a hellmouth at least once a year, and that hellmouth is frequently referred to as the Golden Globe Awards.

There are always things to discuss when it comes to the Golden Globes. Mostly: What? And, Why? And also: Buh? But it frankly doesn't matter whether these awards have value to us, or to the winners, or to the industry. What matters is the spectacle, and this was three hours of pharmacy grade, uncut spectacle! Celebrities mingling in unexpected ways, just tossing back cheap liquor and talking amongst themselves during acceptances speeches? Sign me up! Were there moments in this year's broadcast worth watching? Sure. Were there moments that would bore a corpse? Absolutely. So let's talk about as many moments as we can before an inevitable darkness swallows us all! [Go here for more legitimate reporting on the winners!]

Here's where it all went down: In the possibly luxurious, very haunted Beverly Hilton!

If you haven't personally visited the Beverly Hilton, it is a lot like the Bermuda Triangle in that it is a triangular wet hell of paranormal mystery, but with valet parking. Wreckage and bones of the missing are strewn everywhere, but especially in and around the Trader Vic's lounge. In short, more bad things have happened here than good, and this night would be no exception.

Ricky Gervais hosted again. You may have a vague memory of the times he's hosted this thing in the past and that he'd worked too blue and made everyone cry or whatever. Guess what, he was up to his old tricks again! Personally, I'm not the biggest fan of roast-style humor—he was basically roasting everybody, like a real Kenny Rogers Roasters up there—and I will admit it made me laugh really hard sometimes. Do I feel guilt about this? Not really. Ricky Gervais came out and told the crowd that they were "disgusting, pill popping sexual deviant scum" and called Sean Penn a snitch, and then bravely gave Caitlyn Jenner the what-for, and people were rolling in the aisles! I guess that gave me permission to have a chuckle as well.

But, as always, the most valuable part of Ricky Gervais' monologue were the EXTREMELY stressed reactions it provoked in many of the celebs. Most were openly cracking up, but the best was when celebrities found themselves caught between livid disapproval but also wanting to seem like a good sport should the camera train on them for a reaction shot:

Like, Maggie Gyllenhaal's non-reaction to a Roman Polanski joke was straight-up anxiety producing.

And I guess Melissa McCarthy wasn't quite ready to joke about her Ghostbusters paychecks yet. Also, the FIRST time Ricky Gervais made a joke about how useless the Golden Globes were it was kind of audacious, but by the fourth time he said it, people were just sort of nodding sadly at their plates. Got it, Rick!

One of the night's true heroes was J.K. Simmons' ladyfriend who appeared to be snoozing through most of the ceremony. She was NOT about to be roused by these kinds of shenanigans, not for Ricky Gervais, not for no one. I'm the same way when I try to watch Entourage.

Our first presenters were these guys: Jonah Hill pretending to be the bear from The Revenant, and Channing Tatum pretending to stay in shape between movies. They had a whole routine that went on for roughly 45 minutes, but most of it was a mystery since whenever somebody cussed (which was OFTEN and seemingly encouraged by the producers), the audio would cut out for way too long, rendering entire patches of the broadcast indecipherable. Also, at one point, Jonah Hill made a joke about Jane Fonda and this was her immediate reaction:





The unamused blink! She gave them the unamused blink. Also her fella's slackjawed response was somehow even more perfect and relatable.

The first award of the night went to Kate Winslet for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. She played the Polish lady in the Steve Jobs movie, which meant she had to deliver 4,000 lines of strained banter WITH a Polish accent, so she deserved this award, in my opinion.

Then Jennifer Lopez and the Rock came out and at one point Jennifer Lopez used the phrase "giant in scope" but it sounded like "'gina-scope" and I thought she was talking about a pelvic exam. For me this misunderstanding was a highlight of the night.

NewsRadio's Maura Tierney won an award for The Affair, but probably also it had to do with residual goodwill from being on NewsRadio. I don't know the voters' hearts, but I just have to assume this is the case. Also, she was wearing glasses and called herself "such a four-eyes, which I hate" and that just seemed hurtful, not only to herself but also to all the four-eyeses watching at home. Shame on you, NewsRadio's Maura Tierney.

Friends, if we are being fully honest with ourselves for once, the best parts of this thing in ANY year are the into-and-out-of commercial break segments in which roaming cameras catch all the celebs interacting with each other. I just love watching these people pound free beverages and network with the intensity of a bomb squad robot.

Like, what was Katy Perry doing to Kate Hudson's hair during this triple selfie? But really, any odd combination of celebs was riveting to behold.

Like, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TARAJI P. HENSON WAS EXPLAINING TO PATRICIA ARQUETTE HERE.

Also, it was weird that there were Hocus Pocus cosplayers in attendance:

You know? This show bends over backwards to be jam-packed with watercooler moments but the real treats are the incidental b-roll that greeted every commercial break. I think we'd all watch three hours of that, easily.

But once we got back to the awards themselves, the night took on a sinister, foreboding tone that never let up. For example, here was Andy Samberg brandishing that mouth of his. We've all seen the cave paintings and pottery etchings: The immortal Andy Samberg's mouth can bite into and swallow a human head in one go, so it was only a matter of time before it would happen tonight. BUT TO WHOM.





Next: Page 2