“A Man Without Honor”

Elena: Theon is a dick. What the heck is going on in Winterfell?

Rachel: It’s times like these I like to sit back and watch the tweets roll by. “I hate Theon.” “OMG THEON IS AN EPIC DICK.” Etc., etc. It’s like Theon is the new Joffrey. Excuse me while I put my hipster glasses on.

He’s mean to old people, children, crippled children, women… probably his horse.

Alfie continues to play enigmatic douche extremely well. It’s not like Joffrey where you think, “This guy fucking sucks. When will he die.” With Theon it is more complicated. We see and understand his struggle to be accepted. His choices are driven by a pathetic need to become the son he always wanted to be. It’s sad to watch him fail and have stupid ideas.

Until he kills two little boys so he can lie to Maester Luwin, then you don’t feel any pity for him anymore.

What? This is not a spoiler. You knew this. ELENA, YOU FIGURED IT OUT RIGHT? You’ll be fine.

Elena: Yes, it was totally obvious that those were not Bran and Rickon. Because (1) no burned direwolves, (2) no burned simple giant, (3) the only credible eyewitness was sent home, and (4) everyone in Westeros knows you spike heads on the gate for positive identification. So, yes, WE’RE FINE WITH THIS CONFIRMATION.

Rachel: Actually, having never even met the two little boys, I’m kind of “meh” about it. This just didn’t have the impact it should have had on me. I guess I’m just not a “kid person”?

#TeamTheon ?

Hahahahaha. Kidding.

As to the whereabouts of Hodor and company, well your guess is as good as mine since HBO has gone and changed stuff again. I can make educated guesses. But I’m not telling YOU.

Elena: Yeah, the killing of the two random peasant boys was more a horror in the abstract than any emotional impact. I actually think HBO might have been better served to show Theon slaughtering them if the aim was an emotional shock, since it was so obvious that wasn’t Bran and Rickon dead.

Yeah, showing him actually cutting down two little boys while their mother looked on and screamed would have caused a reaction, versus a vague disappointment that HBO thought his trick would work on the audience the way it apparently worked on the people of Winterfell.

What I came away wondering was…what’s the point, exactly? Like I’m not sure what he’s really seeking to get out of this ploy. Killing the last two Winterfell heirs (since they seem to believe he really did) isn’t exactly going to make the people there more loyal to you, Theon. You think taking Bran and Rickon from them will leave them with nothing to fight for and therefore no will to fight? Hahahahahaha, Theon, Theon, Theon. This is The North. You just took away the only thing they had to lose and therefore the only thing keeping them in check. You had best start cooking your own meals, son, because Cook’s affection for Bran and Rickon and desire to keep them safe will no longer keep her from dumping as many poisons (or just rotted pieces of meat) into your stewpot as she can find, if she thinks they’re dead by your hand. And, obviously, his men know it wasn’t really them.

I guess the point was to keep from losing even more face that he’s such an inadequate conqueror he can’t even hold two little boys, one of them a cripple, prisoner? Ouch. Okay, maybe I do see why he did it.

Also I figured out why Osha fucked him—it was a preemptive revenge fuck, so that he would look like even more of a wet-behind-the-ears Ethelred the Unready type when it was discovered she banged him to sleep and then walked out…because everyone who hears that story knows she could have killed him in his sleep, but scorned to because she found him such an inadequate foe.

Theon the Inadequate. That is his moniker.

Elena: So speaking of conquerors who are more than adequate…what is going on in Robb’s camp? I find myself agreeing with Catelyn. Is the world ending?

Rachel: Probably. It IS 2012. But as far as Game of Thrones is concerned – Cat is the only person trying to avoid a fight over at Camp Robb. Robb’s gone on some bogus bandage errand with “Talisa” (Level Headed Cat says, “Yea…Talisa, whatever”), and Jaime is killing his relatives and that other random guy who turns out to be a Karstark and now the Karstarks are super pissed.

It’s a shit show, really, and I do not envy her.

Rahcel: But … well, how DO you feel about that Jaime scene? Before I go and crap all over it?

Elena: That Jaime scene was kind of awesome. In a horrible sort of way.

First, it proved that Joffrey is, truly, his father’s son. (And his mother’s, since Joffrey is the perfect blend of Jaime’s antisocial psychosis and Cersei’s single-minded selfishness.) Jaime is an absolute sociopath. He’s Iago—a man who can smile and smile and be a villain. I bought his story right along with random Lannister cousin who looks like Gendry. At first I felt sad that Jaime the Golden didn’t remember the kid, but then he totally seemed to, and they were like bonding and having this great moment in the cage and being proud Lannister men together…and then Jaime cracks his neck for no better purpose than to stretch his legs and take a shit in the woods somewhere. And I realized that Jaime never remembered the kid, or that day. He was making shit up. His first answer, the bemused “I was at her wedding?” was the truth. He was so sopping drunk he didn’t remember going! Or winning the tourney, much less his little cousin squire who was probably far, far, far from The Bestest Squire Evah.

But that scene was powerful because it sort of clues you in to just how well Jaime hides his nature. He can bring you in. He can make you trust him. He is an inspiring figure, and he’s right—he does kill people very, very well. He just pretties up his bloodlust a little better than, say, the Hound and the Mountain do. I mean, that line, “He was a painter, who painted only in red,” was totally poetic.

I want to see a Jaime/Jaqen H’ghar cage match. The two men in Westeros who are amazing at killing people but can actually manage to hide that about themselves!

Elena: Okay, so what did YOU think about it, Rachel?

Rachel: As with a lot of the altered but important scenes in the show, I find myself having to decide whether or not I’m OK with what they’ve done. Not that the writing choices haven’t played up the drama and made for riveting television, it’s just that most of the changes they have made come at the expense of established character behavior. That is the root of most of the complaints I’ve heard about the show in general, by the way, that choices were made that do not accurately reflect a character.

So… back to my point. There were absolutely great moments in the Jaime scene. The vow speech was lifted straight from the book, “They make you swear and swear….” Great. Awesome. Fake Gendry Lannister also doesn’t bother me. He serves a purpose the producers deemed a Frey would be too confusing to the audience to fill. FINE. But when Jaime murders his own family (haven’t we heard Tywin lecture extensively on the importance of being a Lannister?), I kind of lost my mind. I knew it was coming, but I just don’t get it. I don’t know where the writers are ultimately taking Jaime’s character, as I am not the writers. I understand and support the idea that in adapting a novel for television that changes must and should be made. Jaime might end up in a place that is different from what I expect. In every way I thought the scene was great, if a bit long, except for the killing of the Lannister cousin. Kind of weird. Jaime is desperate, sure. Jaime is dismissive of his father’s teachings. Jaime is pissed off and figures he’s going to die soon. Jaime just wanted to go for a stroll one last time. Jaime is an asshole. All of these things are true.

So maybe I’ll get over it, and accept that Jaime Lannister just killed another Lannister. I’ll accept it and remember it for later. Because of reasons.

This episode was full of Lannister family time. Cersei has a heart to heart after Sansa (Your Period is Coming) flowers and freaks out at the prospect of actually having to marry the monster, Joffrey. Oh, girl…I feel for you. Looks like the Hound’s words are even MORE pertinent. Shae trying to be a friend was pretty hilarious. As if that maid she unsuccessfully threatened wasn’t running STRAIGHT to the Queen. Moot, since the Hound got there first. Kind of embarrassing having half the castle come into your room to gaze at your menstrual blood. Sansa will have to construct her dignity carefully at this point.

Cersei pretty much admitting that she knows Joffrey is a fucking psychopath was great. “Maybe this is our punishment” she says to Tyrion. While Tyrion thinks, “did you not just threaten to take away all that I love a few days ago? There, there sister. Let me go get Lancel for you because, yes, your son is horrible, and, yes, it is probably your fault. But uh… the other two kids are totally NORMAL.” Also, sad to hear Tyrion compare the children to flipped coins, you know there’s a bit of , “and I got the dwarf coin” mixed in there, but Cersei being as self-absorbed and unfeeling towards others that she is…can only think of her own pain. Don’t fall for it, Tyrion!

Elena: Can I just insert how much I loved the Hound’s comment to Sansa in the hallway? “You’ll be grateful for the brutal things I do when I am the only thing standing between you and your beloved king.”

TRUTH. Although I wondered…how, exactly, is the Hound going to be standing between them? Like is Joffrey going to have The Hound in the bedroom with him while he’s impregnating her? As if he were an actual dog? Oh, God, how does Sansa rescue her dignity from THAT?

Also, I love how at this point EVERYONE JUST FUCKING KNOWS that Joffrey is crazy. When do the assassination plots start?! I mean, look, I get that Cersei won’t agree to killing him because she loves him, and Tyrion probably wouldn’t sign off on it either, because the kid’s family (but under the right circumstances I think Tyrion could be convinced to kill his beloved brother’s beloved son)…but everyone else in the Red Keep? Where’s Varys with a death plot when you need him? Duuuude. COME ON. You were Johnny on the spot with sending out that execution hit on Dany. Surely you can make a little magic happen and get Joffrey out of everyone’s way. Then the normal one can be named the king, Cersei can be the queen regent for even longer, and no one in King’s Landing will have some horrible, mad child making shit more complicated than it needs to be while, oh yeah, they’re fighting a war against three different insurgents. Unless, of course, Lysa Arryn shows up with Robin and declares HIM the true and proper king, which…no. So, yeah, Tommyn For King!

Elena: Speaking of Lannisters, Tywin and Arya named dropped a bunch of people with names I can’t even begin to spell. Who are they and should I be marking the names for later reference?

Rachel: You didn’t like your little history lesson? A clever way of reminding us that when Dany screams at people that she will burn them…WELL, SHE MEANS IT. Just look at Harrenhal, that tower of fun!

Even more exciting than watching Arya prove to Tywin that she is, indeed, a noble girl who could be a very useful hostage if Tywin can ever figure out exactly which Northern house she belongs to (ha): Tywin mentioning Jonquil. At least it was exciting to me. Like the LOTR novels (though…not as lovely) the songs and meta-histories of ASOIAF have not made it to the screen (I’m still holding out for the Bear and the Maiden Fair…and a certain song about rain). Book reader shout out? MAYBE MORE? We. Shall. See.

Elena: Like Locke Lamora, Arya has no circumspection. She’s too smart for her own good, and so convinced of her own cleverness she doesn’t even realize what Tywin means by that. Yes, she came up with enough of a cover story that he didn’t feel the need to expose her lies…but she has already exposed everything that she is. She’s educated, she’s secure enough to look Tywin Fucking Lannister in the eye every time she addresses him, confident enough to argue with him and debate with him, and smart enough to keep track of her lies and render plausible scenarios. All of that adds up to Someone’s daughter. As Rachel pointed out, Tywin is just keeping her in his pocket until the time he figures out whose daughter she is, at which point he returns her for more favors and gratitude from a Lannister ally or ransoms her/keeps her as a hostage to his enemy’s good behavior. I am super-excited to see where her story goes from here!

Elena: And in other stories I’m excited about…Jon and Ygritte are up to pretty much the same stuff as last week, except even funnier.

Rachel: This is why I love Ygritte. She just says what you want to say to Jon. She is the tumblr of Westeros. She goes there. Some complaints have been lodged as to how stupid Jon looks with the changes the writers made to compress several events into one. I kind of agree? Jon isn’t THIS dumb. It all depends on how the capture works out, I guess. Can’t really talk about my guess as to how it will work out without spoiling. Sorry! Next week.

Really all I want to say is I almost had a heart attack every time Ygritte said anything because I knew “You know nothing Jon Snow” was coming and I COULD NOT STAND IT. I just wanted to scream it at the TV. I’m sure it won’t be the last time she says it. It better not. Girl says it about 500 times in the book. To the point where it wasn’t even funny anymore. I want the TV viewers to have the phrase jammed into the brains in much the same fashion. It’s only fair!

Elena: I feel so sorry for Jon Snow Who Thinks He Knows Where to Put It. It’s not fun to get called stupid all the time. Although in this case Ygritte is just calling him ignorant, which is different. She just says it in a way that means stupid for not seeing the world. But…he’s still operating from within the philosophical framework he was raised in. So is she. She would be just as lost at Winterfell as he is there North of The Wall.

At the same time I feel bad for a kid still in the process of growing up…I look forward to the day when Jon Snow becomes his own man and breaks out of the thought process of what is expected of him by everyone else…basically when he stops being such a reactionary and becomes agent of his own destiny. Coming of Age stories are so tedious. How many times does he have to see the world is not as he always thought it before he extrapolates that maybe he should question EVERYTHING? At this rate Sansa is learning faster than he is!

Elena: The Twitter swears, they were for the Dany stuff?

Rachel: I…have no idea WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN QARTH! Dany’s dragons stolen? Xaro is King of Qarth? Pyat Pree just murdered the rest of the Thirteen? (SIMULTANEOUSLY? AHHHHH THAT WAS SO CRAZY!)

Fuck if I know. For serious. All I know is this is all leading to the House of the Undying. BRING IT. We can handle it, Elena. Bring. It.

Can I rant a little about Dany? I want to address the Dany haters. I live with one, you see…so it gets to me sometimes.

Yes, it doesn’t really make any sense that Dany shows up in Qarth and starts demanding shit from everyone and generally being a whiny baby. It doesn’t happen in the books. So you got me.

Politics and the realities of getting yourself enough support to even start a war, let alone win it…are boring. I’ve always respected GRRM that he chose to include what many fantasy authors leave out of their epics – the boring sitting around and politicking that MUST occur if you are a poor fugitive trying to reclaim your birthright. Dany isn’t boring. Dany is realistic. As much as you can be when you’re the Mother of Dragons.

Dany’s journey, the confidence she gains in herself, the struggle she has in finding people to trust, the loneliness she feels because she has no actual friends…these are what make Dany interesting.

Having her dragons be kidnapped is a great plot twist. It really is. It works well on TV and gives the viewers something to worry about on a personal level for Dany. But this whole Thirteen business? I have no idea. I don’t really know how Dany is going to get to where she needs to get from here. I’m sure she will. I’m sure it will be plausible considering the events that unfold. Not knowing those events I can’t accurately react to them yet. All I can say is that I hope they keep the politicking in the show. Varys and Littlefinger and Dany are beloved characters BECAUSE they figure things out. Because they do a lot with very little. Because they manipulate everyone around them, including the readers, into loving them a little.

So I’m waiting. But I’m worried.

< / End Rant >

Elena: Ha, for once the non-readers have the advantage! Since we don’t know what to expect next or see the plot veering off toward Phoenix when we’re supposed to be going to NYC we don’t get worried wondering how the frak the writers are going to take Dany where she needs to go.

My biggest reactions to this week’s Qarth scenes was a reinforcement of how perfect Quaithe is for me for a Halloween/Ren Faire cosplay model, and that the twelve simultaneous throat-slits would have made a MUCH more impactful episode break point. So there’s the changes I’d have made to this episode: show Theon burning out the holding to get those two little-boy bodies and then end with twelve perfect replicas slit twelve conniving throats. Boom. Awesome. Not that I think the show needs much help, but…if they’re going to show us their fantasies of how to make the book better (or better for TV) then I will share mine about what would have made the episode even better for me.

So, um, yeah. Dany’s dragons are in the House of the Undying. I think those Qarth magicians better watch themselves. If Dany remembers she can walk through fire you know she’s just going to have Ser Jorah build a giant bonfire and set the tower aflame. She and her dragons will be fine, I mean once it’s burning she can just walk in and get them.

Damn. Where’s a spare bucket of wildfire when you need one? Maybe Quaithe can point Ser Jorah to one, she knows enough other random shit…why not.

Rachel: Bonus points to this being…what, the second episode in a row with no gratuitous naked brothel scenes? HUZZAH! This is obviously because Petyr is on the road. I’m sure the nakedness will come once Petyr is again doing business from his office.

Elena: Well you know what they say…when the cat’s away, the pussies will play.

Yes, I just went there.

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