For our first entry, we’re going to tackle an exciting new development at the intersection of self-driving cars, energy efficiency, and global warming!

The problem

Cars occasionally get into accidents, often leading to an unfortunate loss of life for those involved. In an accident, the occupants of the larger vehicle have a better chance of getting out alive. This has led to an arms race in vehicle sizes, with many Americans choosing SUVs or pickup trucks because they are “safer on the road”. Unfortunately, this makes things less safe for everyone who chooses a smaller vehicle, forcing yet more people to choose larger vehicles. Fuel economy suffers.

The result of this has been unprecedented damage to our planet’s ecosystem, to our emotional well-being, and to our timely arrival at our destination. The average global temperature has risen by nearly a degree (Fahrenheit) since 1975. Ditching an hour-long commute may add up to $40,000 of happiness to your life.

Clearly, we need a way to get these cars off the road.

The solution

An aftermarket vehicle kit that consists of:

A short-range solid-fuel rocket booster, pointed forwards. A high-explosive warhead with enough force to vaporize a vehicle chassis. A proximity sensor that can detect an impending collision.

When the sensor detects that a collision is imminent, it fires off the rocket, which promptly vaporizes the offending vehicle, regardless of size. The collision is averted, and the customer can continue on their merry way without detouring to the emergency room.

The competition

Usually, people handle situations like these with a combination of horn blasts, middle fingers, and the occasional shotgun, depending on the laws of the state in question. This is a far more effective solution, guaranteed to get rid of the problem entirely.

While it may seem like self-driving cars will obsolete this technology, it merely moves the problem further up the stack. A self-driving car service will face competition from other self-driving car services, which not only compete for customers, but also for road space and travel time. This could be offered as a B2B product to destroy the vehicles (and customers!) of competing self-driving car companies, thus assuring 100% market share.

Benefits to society

This will reverse the trend toward larger vehicles, improving fuel economy, cutting global carbon emissions, and postponing the inevitable climate apocalypse. We expect secondary benefits in reduced traffic and fewer instances of road rage.

Why now?

Advances in self-driving car technology have made it possible to reliably detect when an obstruction has entered the car’s path. Also, the Russians are selling explosive warheads cheap.

Challenges

It may be hard to find warheads powerful enough to instantly vaporize cars. This is not a showstopper, as a car that has been cut in half may still be safely passed through by the customer. However, it would likely leave behind road debris that would prove a hazard to other motorist, and we would like to minimize the collateral damage of our product.

Growth opportunities

We may wish to extend the front-facing rocket launcher to be able to fire in all directions, so that we can protect our customers against side-impacts, rear-enders, and other road hazards.

We may also wish to start marketing this as a way to get to your destination faster. With no cars in front of you, the road is clear to wherever you’d like to go. As our existing product concept is for single-shot rockets only, however, we would need to investigate other forms of weaponry, perhaps lasers.

Thanks to Ratchet, Bumblebee, and Optimus Prime for reading drafts of this post.