NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Saying the terrifying scenario plays out in a typical mother or father’s mind several times per day, a report released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University revealed that losing a child in a high-stakes underground poker tournament remains Americans’ biggest parenting fear. “According to our survey data, every mom and dad’s greatest nightmare is looking into the innocent young eyes of their beloved firstborn and having to say goodbye to them forever after folding on a pair of nines in a dimly lit back room in Chinatown or while aboard a 30-foot luxury yacht anchored off the Cayman Islands,” said lead researcher Emily Gibson, who added that, despite their best efforts to focus on positive thoughts, many parents found themselves unable to shake the worry that they might one day have no choice but to hand over their 7-year-old son or daughter to an eccentric billionaire, shadowy Ukrainian business mogul, or South Asian arms dealer after being called out on a weak bluff. “For a significant number of mothers and fathers, the fear that they’ll add their little Caitlin or Joshua to the pot because they think they’re sitting on a sure thing with a queens-over-tens full house only to see their opponent hit quads on the river can be completely debilitating, often keeping them awake night after night.” The study further revealed that the most common phobia among singles was that they might never get married and have a child who could be offered up to cover the house’s buy-in.

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