TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are met, one white person, preferably a straight man, will be publicly executed every 60 minutes, leaving a vacant position for a candidate who represents an historically disadvantaged group,” said human resources manager Allison Conte, who sat behind her desk and sharpened a knife as she told reporters the company could no longer be accused of merely paying lip service to representation. “While creating a more diverse organization is not something that happens overnight, we believe that at our current pace we can have the matter resolved within five days, six tops.” At press time, sources confirmed several newly hired employees at Jetsam Marketing had filed complaints alleging the company maintains a hostile work environment.

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