When you reach the end of this wall of text, you will view fellatio/cunnilingus (if the government doesn't ban pornography again) with nostalgia and not lust.

That is a guarantee.

Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code is as follows:

377. Unnatural offences: Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with imprisonment of either description for term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine.

Explanation: Penetration is sufficient to constitute the carnal intercourse necessary to the offense described in this section.

Note: Penetration refers to penile insertion generally, and not specifically penile-vaginal insertion.

If you survived that icky body of sexual terminology, your first thought when reading the phrase "against the order of nature" is to probably automatically assume that this refers solely to homosexual carnal actions. You would be dead right if Section 377 were not so ambiguous. The ambiguity of Sec. 377 concerning carnal actions has dangerous implications for us heterosexual (not homosexual) folks.

Consider the following factual statements:

1. Despite the existence of documentation of homosexual intercourse in the wild, the Supreme Court of India (in its December 2013 ruling) still believed that the Delhi High Court (in 2009) did not have sufficient legal grounds to strike down Section 377. Also note that there exists documentation of oral sex in the wild. If the 2013 Supreme Court ruling is any guide, we must assume that the Supreme Court will not accept scientific evidence of oral sex being natural.

2. Based on the arguments presented by the NAZ Foundation in the 2013 Supreme Court case, Section 377 was implemented by the British colonial government (who were responsible for millions of Indian deaths) in 1860 as a representation of "traditional Judeo-Christian moral and ethical standards".

After a quick skimming of the Bible, you'll find that the Bible strongly condemns sodomy, which by definition is anal sex (or sex not strictly involving a penis and a vagina). There are no specifications on whether sodomy is committed on a male or female. Homosexuality is thus merely a subset of a broader condemnation of sodomy. Like banning Baba Sehgal as part of a ban on terrible rappers, and not as a separate event.

So why are you reading about the Bible and anal sex? Good question. The British Raj instituted Section 377 on the basis of Christian values imposed on the "uncivilised" Indian subcontinent. This is not a criticism of Christian values, but the Supreme Court must adhere to the Christian basis of the law's existence (and hence the Christian definition of what is natural), especially considering that ancient Indian culture has no condemnation of sodomy or homosexuality.

3. Now go back up this page and read Section 377 again. Pay attention to these words/phrases:

a. Whoever

b. Man, woman

c. Against the order of nature

d. Penetration is sufficient

Now read the following statement(s) bearing in mind that they are 100% chargeable with Section 377 if the section is interpreted in a twisted enough way by a talented enough lawyer (of which there isn't a shortage in India for the right fee):

A woman ("whoever") had sex ("penetration is sufficient") that involved the mouth and the penis ("against the [Christian] order of nature") with her boyfriend ("man").

OR

A man ("whoever") had sex ("penetration is sufficient") that involved the mouth and the vagina ("against the [Christian] order of nature") with his girlfriend ("woman").

THUS, AS PER SECTION 377 OF THE INDIAN PENAL CODE, SEXUAL INTERCOURSE INVOLVING ORAL AND/OR ANAL SEX IS A CRIME IN THE INDIAN UNION. PERIOD.

Conclusion:

If all the sexual terms you've just read haven't made you barf yet, it's time to make some concluding points:

1. Section 377 is a terribly written British colonial law based on Christian values. Christian values aren't the devil (see what I did there?), but they have no place in the penal code of a secular democracy.

2. Section 377 has not been used to jail a single homosexual in nearly twenty years. It is being used for far worse things - including terrible police abuse, extortion, unlawful government harassment, and social marginalisation of the Indian homosexual community (and soon Indian fellatio/cunnilingus enthusiasts if we don't repeal it).

It is our duty as citizens of the world's largest democracy to speak up for one of India's smallest minorities by demanding in one voice that the judiciary and parliament of India uphold the rights of Indian homosexuals to a life free of wanton abuse and social harassment.

3. While most of what was written above was meant as crude (but accurate to the best of my ability) satire to verify whether more people would work to repeal Section 377 if it affected heterosexuals, the core point remains the same: No Indian citizen - regardless of caste, creed, gender, or sexual orientation - deserves to be treated as a sub-human member of our great society and subjected to laws that prey on them to satisfy a 150 year old definition of the "order of nature".

Throughout history, many men (and women - I'm looking at you Agathe Habyarimana) have had ideas of what the order of nature is and how they can shape society to match it. These ideas started with innocent looking laws and ended in massacres and genocides.

This petition urges the Indian Supreme Court and the two houses of the Parliament of India to reaffirm the will of the Indian people and the spirit of the Indian constitution by reconsidering Shashi Tharoor's bold amendment to Section 377 and passing it to safeguard the constitutional rights of homosexuals in India to liberty, privacy, and dignity.

After signing this petition, send an e-mail to your MP or to one of the following great Indian statesmen to express your opposition to the uncivilised treatment of homosexuals (and possible banning of heterosexual oral sex) that Section 377 sanctions:

Shri Rajnath Singh (Hon'ble Home Minister) - 38ashokroad@gmail.com Shri Amit Shah (Hon'ble President of the BJP) - amitshah.bjp@gmail.com Shri Arun Jaitley (Hon'ble Finance Minister) - pjamwal@gmail.com Subramaniam Swamy (Hon'ble unemployed) - swamy39@gmail.com

Fun Fact: Subramaniam Swamy believes that homosexuals have genetic disorders and are "genetically handicapped".

Note: Those aren't joke e-mails. The BJP really likes Gmail for some reason.

Note 2: This petition has only attached BJP leaders' contact details because the BJP has the majority in parliament. No other party can make this amendment happen. Further, the Congress party has explicitly stated that it wishes to decriminalise homosexuality, so this petition doesn't target them.