ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

THE AUSTRALIAN ELECTORAL COMMISSION has ruled that a penis drawn anywhere on a ballot paper this election is automatically counted as a vote for The Greens.

In a landmark decision, AEC Federal Coordinator Faye Splushman said that the male genital best represents The Greens and what they stand for.

“Each year, there are so many dicks,” she said.

“There’s honestly thousands, maybe tens of thousands. So we’ve ruled this year that all the scribbled dicks on ballot papers should go to the biggest collection of dicks in the country,”

“That being said, if you’re talented enough to draw an arsehole, then we’ll give that vote to the Liberals. If you put letters where you’re supposed to put numbers, we’ll assume you’re dumb enough to vote for The Nationals. If you leave the whole thing blank, then we’ll assume you were trying to vote for Bill Shorten,” she said.

The controversial move comes after Greens leader Richard Di Natale lashed out at the AEC, saying that all the dicks drawn on the ballot papers in recent years were in response to them not being recycled – or sourced from a sustainable source.

He alleges that the Liberals deliberately antagonise him by making the voting cards out of old-growth Tasmania forests – something he says is reprehensible.

“First things first, the AEC should stop using paper and start using something sustainable, like ballot papers from previous years when we won or something,” he yelled.

“Secondly, I welcome their decision to give us all the dick votes, but I don’t like their reasoning behind it. It’s a bit mean.” he said.

Shortly after in the courtyard, the prime minister welcomed the news, saying that it won’t change a thing come April 16.

Speaking candidly to a number of journalists during Mr Di Natale’s press conference, Scott Morrison said he agreed with the new measures.

“Look, they need all the votes they’re going to get,” he said.

“I don’t get up in the red room as often as I’d like to but good christ there are some pieces of work up there,”

“Anyway boys, we’ve got the crowbars out this election. We’ll be ripping all the rot out of this fucking place in couple weeks. Provided you’re earning over $80k, which I know none of you fucking journos are, then everything will be right as rain come spring time.”