Since I got all up in your grill over pleasure

I guess I speak as a straight woman. It may be different for gay men, I’m not sure. But as far as everything I have seen and read and heard and felt, when it comes to straight women, our shit is consistently this:

Demonstrate security

Do things that suggest that you are secure and you offer security.

Financial security or physical security or emotional security — take your pick, but we all want at least one.

Maybe it’s such a fucking turn-on because:

Sex is a different act for women that it is for men, and enjoying it requires us to first fundamentally feel safe — or convince ourselves we do. So if you want to talk sexiness (which we are), we’re also talking security. You want us to open up and make ourselves vulnerable to you — with our bodies and beings— then you have to seem like a safe person with whom to do so.

that it is for men, and enjoying it requires us to first fundamentally feel safe — or convince ourselves we do. So if you want to talk sexiness (which we are), we’re also talking security. You want us to open up and make ourselves vulnerable to you — with our bodies and beings— then you have to seem like a safe person with whom to do so. Maybe it’s biological and we’re getting ramped up for babies, who also need security.

and we’re getting ramped up for babies, who also need security. Or maybe it’s social. We look for this because we’re socialized to look for it.

We look for this because we’re socialized to look for it. Or maybe, shit, it’s just because we all look for security deep down. Because we do.

But either way, women want security.

Be emotionally secure.

This is my shit. If you do nothing else, do this.

Being emotionally secure — composed, stable, sane, and with healthy self esteem — pays dividends when it comes to sex appeal. Just being a human who can handle his shit without whining, clinging, manipulating, blaming, seeking revenge, etc goes really, really far. And if you drop the ball here, no amount of overcompensating elsewhere will make up for it. Nothing kills it for me faster than someone who lacks emotional stability.

I’m not as hot to trot on financial or physical security — I don’t want or need that from someone else — but if I am going to be in close proximity with another person, I do expect emotional security, self-sufficiency and stability— and I find continuous, consistent demonstrations of it insanely sexy. And most all women would agree.

Remember that scene from The Gladiator where Russell Crowe’s character went into the ring all stabbed up as fuck and still won? (If not, I mean, it’s a super cliché visual of masculinity — pick one you like.) I want that, but the emotional and mental version. I want a dude who can take what life deals out and more — and still kill it. Without whining. Without complaint. Without blaming others or making excuses or folding.

It’s not that I don’t have enough emotional security on my own (often the insecurity women feel with physical or financial.) On the contrary, it’s because I do. And I want someone who can match me or more.

Be *actually* secure — Not cocky. Not overcompensating.

Given my choice between them, I’ll pass on the dude with all the classic high-quality qualifiers (nice job, nice car or big truck, ripped build, etc) if he can’t make it a day without making excuses or being a shithead (and typically he can’t, otherwise he wouldn’t be overcompensating so aggressively.) I will readily choose the dude with zero “qualifiers” but strong AF in everything those are meant to signify: the guy who’s actually emotionally secure and, as such, emotionally safe.

Other types of security

Most everything we might think of as “masculine” — including physical and financial security — is just some more-specific manifestation, meant to remind us of these core desires.

From a random sampling of women asked what they find sexy:

“Suits,” “nice cars,” or, for the very blatant: “money.” These are financial security, i.e., safety.

“Hugs from behind” are really about “that feeling of utter protection & trust.” i.e., safety

“Open my door, carry my bags, make me feel protected.” Safety.

“Cooking” is about being provided for; i.e., safety.

“Tell me with your eyes that you know what you’re doing.” Safety.

“Want me,” or “do that little thing with your hands that I like.” Safety in still being valued the way she values herself.

“Remember the little things” or “care” are reassurance that she is emotionally safe.

The list goes on, but it’s fundamentally a single theme: offer security. be a secure person.