“We can be exactly like them, but better!”

It’s a time-honored tradition at this point to follow emotionally heavy arcs with Peridot being silly, and while Greg’s kidnapping might seem like small potatoes compared to the Peridemption or the conclusion to Act II, The New Crystal Gems is a welcome salve before we dive back into turmoil mode. Especially because this is our last fully goofy episode, without any forays into angst or the larger plot, until Letters to Lars. And even that one has Sad Dewey.

A staple of great sitcoms is developing a strong core roster and pairing characters together in interesting ways episode to episode. It’s something that Steven Universe (which to be fair is not a sitcom) unfortunately doesn’t get a chance to do very often, because we see the world through Steven’s eyes. By design he’s nearly always a part of the show that bears his name, and while I love the kid, it can be refreshing to see what it’s like for people in his world to hang out without him. I’d kill for an episode about Greg giving Buck guitar lessons, or a day in the life of Onion and Sour Cream’s family, or Garnet interacting with literally any human that isn’t a Universe for an extended period of time. But I’ll certainly settle for seeing Connie, Peridot, and Lapis do their own thing. (Oh and also Pumpkin.)

When Connie and the Barnmates are both tasked to protect Beach City by Steven and Garnet respectively in Adventures in Light Distortion, it seems irrelevant compared to the stakes at hand. But it cleverly fuels the story of three major but supporting characters getting a big promotion and not knowing what to do about it. This is high concept sitcom plot through and through (“Jerry and the gang wait to eat at a Chinese restaurant!” “A conman sells Springfield a monorail!” “April and Andy have a surprise wedding!” “Connie, Peridot, and Lapis take over as the substitute Crystal Gems!”), and I am here for it.

The New Crystal Gems is an answer of sorts to Gem Heist, an episode about the restrictive identities of Gems in their native society. Back on Earth, our heroes instead feel compelled to fill in the roles of the original Crystal Gems, and while the “be yourself” message couldn’t be more blatant, the execution is a delightful reminder that freedom from Homeworld rules allows for malleability and growth. This is a planet where not only a human but a sentient pumpkin dog can be honorary Gems.

While Connie and Peridot are a lot of fun as the Steven and the Garnet, and Pumpkin is obviously a dead ringer for Pearl, Jennifer Paz does the most impressive vocal mimicry as Lapis gets super into playing different members of the group. This is mostly wonderful for how fun it is to see her have fun, but I also love how it tracks with her former life trapped in a mirror, only able to communicate by copying who she saw and heard. Of course she’s good at imitation.



It’s also intriguing to get a glimpse at Lapis’s opinion of the Crystal Gems these days, because she hated them from the start and still has yet to warm up to any non-Steven member of the core group. When she asks which one Amethyst is, it’s everything I want in deadpan: impenetrable delivery from a deeply ambiguous character who’s so dry that even the act of explaining she’s kidding is funny (see also: EDI from Mass Effect). And it’s amplified by her genuinely not recognizing Connie, which itself is a hilarious interaction for both parties. Going full Teen Mode in the beginning of the episode makes her dive into silliness even better; she might be a snob when it comes to how many people she almost drowned, but she’s not too high and mighty to play make believe.

Connie does imitate Steven a bit, but as the most rational of the trio she still defaults to Connie and has to dip into Steven Mode when duty calls. Peridot’s Garnet is just throwing on sunglasses and giving a thumbs up, then acting like typical bossy Peridot, but it make sense that someone who already sees herself as a leader doesn’t think she needs to adjust to fit the role.



In a neat nod to the show’s production history, Jennifer Paz and Shelby Rabara play the Gems they originally auditioned for: we could be living in a world with Paz as Amethyst and Rabara as Garnet full-time. No word on whether Grace Rolek ever read for Steven, but if it wasn’t clear enough from the episode’s content, the crew seemed to have a lot of fun with The New Crystal Gems.

Subtlety isn’t what this episode is going for, but I still appreciate that the successful wash sequence only works because our heroes act like their best selves: Peridot and Lapis use their powers, and Connie towels off the car like the practical human she is. It’s only with a bigger crowd where Peridot and Lapis try too hard to enforce roles that don’t come naturally: Peridot would rather wrest control than lead, while Lapis’s idea of a “joke” is firehosing citizens. Connie’s speech fails because an imitation of Steven’s enthusiasm pales to the real thing, and her lack of an established relationship with these ornery Gems makes an appeal to love impossible. So yeah, shock of shocks, being themselves again is the answer. It’s visible from a mile away, but the appeal of The New Crystal Gems was never going to be its lesson.

The character work for Peridot, Lapis, and Connie is everything here, and I could spend an entire miniseries watching their continuing adventures as the Crystal Temps. Peridot and Lapis already have great chemistry, at each other’s throats when their egos get the better of them but otherwise getting along (either because they agree or because one is fine humoring the other). My favorite shared belief of theirs is that Pearl is the worst Crystal Gem; it’s such a specific and continuous joke that every iteration of it warms my mean-spirited heart, and Peridot’s similarities with Pearl are so obvious that it’s delightful when they’re verbalized.

Connie is the wildcard here, and while it bums me out that we never got to see her meeting Peridot for the first time, her intro scene with Lapis and her role as the adult in the room make her a critical addition. Steven may be more emotionally mature than Peridot, but Connie combines this maturity with the ability to operate on Peridot’s wavelength of logical pragmatism (and is way better at it than Peridot because she’s not, and I say this with love, a doofus). This leads to more of a clashing relationship than what we’re used to, especially because Connie is willing to call Peridot out in situations that Steven and Lapis would just let go. These three are friends, sort of, but most of the episode is Connie wrangling two ancient teens.

It’s amazing to watch Connie’s big speech after I Am My Monster, where she applies the same skills to both rebuke and rally Steven’s extended family in order to save him. Both here and there, she references Steven’s ability to bring people together without actually using his methods, because she’s not Steven and she doesn’t have to be. Steven is forgiving of the Gems’ flaws to a fault, but Connie has no patience for adults who can’t act like the guardians they should be, because she was raised by parents who (for all their flaws) were nothing if not responsible. Connie may have softened since her Bubble Buddies days, but her willingness to chastise friends when the situation calls for it remains one of her greatest strengths in a cast that’s often too kind to speak their minds.



Connie’s narration separates The New Crystal Gems from most flashback episodes, but we otherwise follow the typical structure of beginning and ending in the present. To his credit, Steven apologizes to Connie for leaving her behind, and for now she’s understanding; her anger with him doing it again in I Am My Mom comes from him revealing that his apology was hollow, because he’s still willing to go on risky adventures without her. (Also, Pearl gets a nice moment beyond being the butt of an episode-long joke by nodding in approval at Connie doing the chores.)

This is one of the more satisfying endings to a flashback episodes, which usually peak at the end of the story being told rather than in the present. Greg’s wealth makes the destruction of his shop less serious than it would’ve been two seasons ago, but it’s still nice to see how chill and forgiving he is of the mistake. And Peridot and Lapis’s artistic side gets to shine as they make a new sign (new sitcom episode idea: Peridot, Lapis, and Buck open a morp exhibit in Beach City). Their victory pose is earned.

This is a shorter review than usual, thanks to the problem I tend to have with writing about Peridot antics: they’re great, but I have to avoid just transcribing my favorite jokes and helpfully telling y’all that they’re funny. Log Date 7 15 2 and Kindergarten Kid were made easier by respectively allowing me to write about Peridot’s redemption as a whole and Looney Tunes, while Beta restricts the best gags to its first half. The New Crystal Gems is an awesome episode, but it’s a bummer that I can’t write more about Connie’s relationship with Peridot and Lapis, because we don’t see them hang out in a meaningful way after this. I’m happy with what we got, but it’s almost cruel to give us a bite of cake without offering a full slice. More Crystal Temps, please!

Future Vision!



The end of Steven Universe Future doesn’t just see Connie call back to her role as the leader of the Crystal Temps, but Peridot replace her as the inheritor of Steven’s shirt.



We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!



Like Log Date 7 15 2 and Kindergarten Kid before it, The New Crystal Gems is a delight. Add Lapis and Connie to the mix and it gets even better. Not in my Top 20, but still a great one.

Top Twenty



Love ‘em



Like ‘em

Enh

No Thanks!

6. Horror Club

5. Fusion Cuisine

4. House Guest

3. Onion Gang

2. Sadie’s Song

1. Island Adventure

(I don’t know how an episode this fun didn’t have any crew members drawing official promo images, but Luckyjackpot is on the case.)