"This is not a baldface lie," stated Carmen Esposito, director of scouting for United. "We hope that we can bring Wayne in to give us more options on the forward line as we feel that it is receding entirely too early in games. Why just the introduction of him at Audi field will stand your hair on end."

Supporters of D.C. United indicated their agreement with the plan as the OFFICIAL TEAM REPRESENTATIVE SUPPORTERS GROUP, the Screaming Eagles, stated, "Bringing in Rooney will really help us get ahead in the standings."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we come up with more of these awful things.