The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has seen its share of schisms.

When Mormons came West fleeing persecution, a large group stayed behind to form their own breakout church. When the Church reversed its position on plural marriage, many polygamous families—who went underground or out of the country—still claimed Mormon faith but were not recognized by the official LDS Church.

In 2008, Proposition 8 in California ignited a long slow burn between doctrinal and social values, and between older and younger generations. In 2014, Kate Kelley was ex-communicated for organizing international pressure to open the all-male Priesthood to women, and although she no longer has standing to petition for change, there are many like-minded women still active in the Church who do.

Recently the highest echelons of Church leadership have made public statements that some historical Church practices may have been a mistake. (See note below.)

It may be mostly a Utah thing, but a lot of Mormons I know are freaking out.

Some are freaked out that the Church admits it made mistakes, which feels like the earth shifting under their feet when they were raised to believe that prophets and therefore Church policies were infallible.

Some are freaked out that beloved family and friends are leaving the Church. Others are freaked out that they themselves are leaving.

Some are freaked out that Church doctrine, specifically regarding gay marriage, puts them at odds with what seems like the entire rest of the world.

Some are freaked out that if the Church admits it made mistakes in the past, how will they know that what is practiced today—like an all-male priesthood—will be practiced tomorrow.

Which parts of Church doctrine and policy are infallible and which aren’t? How do we decide?

I always go back to basics. I know Heavenly Father is there, I know he loves all his children, I know he cares how we live and how we treat each other, I know he has a plan for our eternal destiny and purpose. Those are the parts that are all him.

Then come the parts he needs us for, like organizing and administering spiritual concerns on earth, and things are suddenly much less clean. In fact, they are suddenly messy, messy, messy.

Eve, given pre-eminence as the mother of all living, committed humanity’s first transgression. Moses, who was worthy to talk with God face-to-face, wasn’t worthy enough to enter the Promised Land. Jonah ran away when God commanded him to preach to people Jonah considered his enemies, and God had to get pretty creative to convince him to do the deed. Saul persecuted and killed who knows how many Christians—one assumes innocent and undeserving of death Christians—before he became the magnificent disciple Paul. Like I said, messy, messy, messy.

Finally comes the part that is all us, and the only part we’re held accountable for in the end: what we do about it all.

Faith is so intensely personal that none of us can tell another what to think or feel. If we judge others for what they think or feel, we need to go back to Christianity 101.

The point in all of this refiner’s fire is not what our neighbors—or friends or family—are doing. Let that be between them and God. What we need to worry about is what’s going on between us and God, which most certainly includes how we treat our neighbors, friends, and family.

It hurts to be Mormon right now because painful schisms are bubbling in our church, our neighborhoods, and our families.

We’re taught that the closer we get to the Second Coming, the more our church will both repel and attract people in large numbers. That includes those of us who are already members.

Bad news for any of us coasting on Mormon culture or borrowed testimony.

The only way out of the pain is to make a choice: what do we really believe?

If we take the time and make the effort—have the hard conversations, spend time on our knees, examine ourselves with honesty, and hear others with compassion—we’ll know. It wouldn’t hurt to read the scriptures.

For me the choice is clear. Whatever mistakes, transgressions, sins, or detours Mormon Church leaders have committed in the past, or may even be committing today, there’s no denying the power and beauty and peace of what Mormon faith produces for me. I’m all in.

I know we’re not all going to reach the same conclusions. That’s why they call it faith. But at least I’m at peace with my choice.

Note: An earlier version of this post misstated that the Church specially admitted its policy on blacks and the priesthood was a mistake. I stated, “Recently the highest echelons of Church leadership have made public statements that some historical Church practices, specifically regarding blacks and the priesthood, may have been a mistake.”

The general admission of mistakes came from President Uchtdorf’s Come, Join with Us talk in the October 2014 General Conference.

The specific mention of blacks and the priesthood came from an article by a BYU professor of church history and doctrine. Unfortunately I can’t now locate the article so I don’t want to attribute the quote, but in the same article this BYU professor also stated that Brigham Young was wrong about the Adam God theory. Perhaps someone else is aware of the article and can provide the link. In the meantime, it is possible I misunderstood, and I have corrected my post accordingly. Thank you to the commenter who pointed this out.

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