An Open Letter to Michael Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch

Michael Jeffries

Abercrombie & Fitch Home Office

6301 Fitch Path, New Albany, Ohio 43054‎





Hello Michael, I hope you are well.



Let me open by saying that this letter is meant with all due respect. I come to you as a humble servant of the people, no more, no less, so please do not take any undue offense.



First, let me address why I am writing this letter. Simply put, your organization sells cargo shorts. Lots of them. And we want you to stop. Cold turkey. Cargo shorts are one of the most curious occurrences to transpire in recent history. Yes, there were other trends in recent history that we look back upon with curiosity. Here’s a sampling...

1. 2.





3. 4.



Key:

1. Ed Hardy

2. CROCS

3. Fluffy, puffy wigs.

4. JNCO Jeans



And now, today, cargo shorts join that illustrious list.



A Description of Our Confusion

By this point, I’m sure you’ve heard common colloquialisms like “no one’s gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since ‘nam,” or “the pockets in cargo shorts were only meant to hold a man’s shame”, or, our personal favorite, “cargo shorts are the only form of contraception that is 100% effective.”



After a brief evaluation of your men’s shorts line, millions of people, ourselves included, are left with one (of many) massive questions: Why invest in and promote such a blight on this fine planet?



Normally, a clothing brand would exist to make their customer’s lives better. If you were to simply walk around any of our nations greatest cities or universities, you’d see that quite the opposite is the reality, as evidenced by a recent phenomenon called the Chubbies Effect.



To articulate our sentiments, let's take a quick look at a your product and focus on a few key "points of confusion", we'll call them.







1. 11.5 inch inseam. A full half foot too much fabric. Not only is this horribly uncomfortable - to have to deal with fabric persistently shackling the knees - but also, for a product that claims to have functional origins, it’s remarkably non-functional to limit the range of motion of your wearer in such a dramatic fashion.



2. Proliferation of pockets. What are you possibly carrying around that can’t be contained by two front pockets and one back pocket? Do you carry four separate wallets with you at all times? Do you always have 600 quarters on you just in-case you find an old Street Fighter arcade game and decide to take down M. Bison in one go? DO YOU HAVE NINE CELL PHONES SIR?!?! I believe the answer is no, the same answer that can be the only response to my final question: Do you really need all those pockets?



3. Internal waist string. We’re not sure what the technical term for this feature might be. Is the idea that you need a string around the waste to hold up all the imaginary things your customers are storing in their unnecessary pockets? Or, might it be that a belt is simply far beyond the capacity of the wearers of said shorts? Are you trying to give wearers the flexibility to purchase shorts three sizes too big so they can hide even MORE of their legs?



4. Ties at the knees. This might be the most interesting of all features. In trying to think of a potential application, it was nearly impossible. The only thing we could have possibly imagined is that you forsee your customers being gravely and graphically injured below the knee, and to protect against such unforeseen, yet regularly occurring happenings, your customers need to be able to tighten the bottom of their shorts to act like a tourniquet. Mike, you know what? If that’s happening as commonly as it seems you think it does, by all means, put more ties on shorts.



These product features are confusing, if not humorous, and should be thoroughly reconsidered - if not for the confusion caused or humor induced, then for the ruin being spread amongst modern mankind.



In closing, we're not about to simply articulate problems and questions without outlining solutions, so here is the Two Point Plan.



The Two Point Plan

1. Accept that there's a Shorts Revolution afoot, and that it has reached an intensity and scale that has now become irreversible.

2. Increase investment in other parts of your business.



Sincerely,

Preston "Being set aflame whilst being attacked by a murderous flock of disease infected birds > cargos" Rutherford and the Chubsters





