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November 24, 2041

WASHINGTON — Government-sponsored health care was on the minds of angry conservative “tea party” protesters in the nation’s capital yesterday, as former TV host Glenn Beck led a “Hands Off My Public Option” rally on the mall.

The 77 year-old Beck, who was banned from the airwaves in 2014 after pouring what he thought was water over an intern as part of an on-air gag, only to discover after lighting a match that it was, in fact, gasoline, said the new president “needs to keep her cockamamie paws off our universal coverage.”

“Thirty-two years ago, Republicans fought tooth and nail for health care reform with a public option,” said Beck, choking back tears. “We fought for it and we bled for it. And we’re here to tell the president that any cuts or rollbacks will be met with a fury like she’s never seen. We surround you, Madame President!”

Protesters held up signs with slogans like, “Only Hitler would take away my pubic [sic] option” and “Don’t tread on my cradle-to-grave gov’t coverage” as they marched to the steps of the U.S. Capitol for a rally. D.C. officials estimated the crowd size at 5,000. Organizers disputed that, claiming that attendance “easily topped a couple million.”

Liberals responded to the rally by pointing out that, in fact, the Democratic Congress passed health care reform with a public option in late 2009 against unified Republican opposition, and the bill was signed by former President Barack Obama. It was subsequently strengthened in 2019 and 2024. The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office estimates that improving efficiency and introducing competition to the health care industry has resulted in savings of over $4 trillion.

“There’s a reason Democrats have won every election since 2008,” said Senator Al Franken (D-MN), who voted for the original bill and is now serving his sixth term. “It’s great that Mr. Beck and his followers enjoy having access to affordable government health care, but let’s not rewrite the history books. Oh, and by the way, it’s worth noting that the president has every intention of strengthening the public option further, and hopes that the twenty Republicans in the Senate will climb on board. Frankly, I’m not sure why these protesters are out here marching except to vent their frustration over losing yet another election.”

Beck noted that health care is now the number-one issue with the Republican base, whose median age is 67 according to the latest U.S. Census figures.

There was only one confirmed injury, which occurred when guest speaker Bill O’Reilly, 92, tripped over a fire hydrant while lunging at Senator Franken with his walking stick. He was treated and released at the scene. No charges were filed.

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