Dimensional Vortex

The new Nintendo 2DS is a cost-saving salvo against Apple’s dominance, but a leaked document suggests it’s a teaser for Nintendo’s next real move.

4600 150th Ave NE

Redmond, WA 98052

August 1, 2013

Good morning,

And hello to every esteemed board member here at Nintendo of America. I want to cut to the chase, so that we can all get back to playing the incredible Nintendo Wii U; I don’t know about the rest of you, but I sure struggle to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of Wii U games that have been coming out for the past year!

As you are all aware, Apple is eating our portable-gaming lunch. I know, I know, it’s preposterous. The iPhone doesn’t have a cartridge slot, and what do App Store games really have in the way of mascots? Temple Run guy? The Where’s My Water toilet alligator? The hell is that Cut The Rope thing, a booger?

Still, here we are, selling plenty of 3DS systems… but not enough. We’ve since pushed a “2DS” variant through testing and QA, which we’ll announce in a few weeks. It will play all DS and 3DS games, but it will strip our portable system of that no-glasses 3D trick—you know, the one interesting thing that sets the system apart from its rivals. And it’ll save consumers $40, which, conveniently, is the price of the new Pokémon game we’ll start selling that same day.

(Russ in accounting, I know you’re CCed on these. You’re a genius for this idea. Let’s have a nice dinner soon. Somewhere in Bellevue, obvs.)

Here’s the thing. Someone told the big kahuna, Shigeru Miyamoto.

You know, the man who invented half of our best videogames… like, 30 years ago. As most of you are aware, he’s only on staff nowadays for ceremonial reasons, because we can no longer keep a handle on his old-man brain.

You know how he gets inspired every time he does something rote and ordinary? He got a puppy, then he made Nintendogs. He sticks a single hoe into a garden, and he’s falling over himself to make Pikmin. Toilet backs up? Super goddamned Mario Brothers.

Anyway, he hears that we’re stripping a dimension from the 3DS—

(By the way, I’m going to go ahead and publicly assume that Phil from QA told him? Phil. Good lord, man. We are never getting dinner in Bellevue. Nor lunch. You and I will not even stop at one of those espresso carts in the Costco parking lot, I swear to God.)

Right. Miyamoto-san was diagnosed with glaucoma recently, which I believe is the reason he flew to our Washington state headquarters a few months back to set up a “doctor’s appointment.” You know, at one of those green-cross shops that have been popping up ever since last year’s election.

The way I hear it, he took one toke, checked his phone, saw an e-mail about the 2DS, and lost. His. Marbles.

Hence, I’m here to… Jesus. To make an internal announcement for our latest product, and to ramp up as much internal excitement about it, because it will change… something? Miyamoto-san insists this next innovation will open up gameplay, just as the SuperFX chip for the Super Nintendo, or analog stick did for the Nintendo 64, or the Virtual Boy did for the… you know what, let me jump to his statement.

Good evening, What happens when we add a dimension to our play? Our play enters a whole new dimension, that’s what. It’s like looking at a leaf. Have you ever really looked at a leaf? Wait. Have you ever been looked at by a leaf? I mean. You totally have. But did you feel it? Oh, where was I? I thought about all of this while looking at a leaf, and I said, we’re not adding dimensions this time. The 2DS takes them away. Bummer. Mayor of Bummerton right there. That is making our play leave a whole new dimension. But then I thought, opportunity. Why stop there? I want to announce a real breakthrough in gaming: the Nintendo iDS. No, not like the DSi, in which we added cameras to the thing. In this case, the “i” is mathematical. It means the square root of negative one. I had worked on a prototype of the 1DS for some time, to make the most of one-dimensional play, only to realize I’d been staring at the flat side of a piece of paper for a few hours and getting nowhere, so I looked inward. Into my mind. And as I peeled those layers away, I found emptiness and space and a killer bass solo, and I thought, the square root of negative one. That’s it. The Nintendo iDS will look like this:

©2013 Nintendo, all rights reserved. (Kidding.)

And games will grow from trees. As they should. Though, really, when you play with the Nintendo iDS, you are planting a tree. Of thought. From within. You will enter a world of internal adventure, where the joy comes from bright sounds and shape-shifting colors, and the challenge comes from a creeping sense of paranoia. Kinda like Metroid, honestly. I want to thank you all for embarking on this journey with me. I am working on the system’s launch software right now by applying a concentrated mix of water, fish oils and other rich nutrients to our first crop of games. Then, I will take a sick nap. Thank you,

Shigeru Miyamoto

Please do not let this document leak before we figure out a way to cancel this incredibly stupid idea. I cannot bear to see the list of awful marijuana puns applied to our beloved characters, from Donkey Bong to Super Smashed Brothers to—dare I even say it—Smokémon.

I don’t think Miyamoto-san even has glaucoma.

Sincerely,

Reggie Fils-Aime

President, Nintendo of America