Barbarella Buchner (sick name, yo) married her two pet cats, Spider and Lugosi, after splitting from her (human) partner of seven years and she says she's never been happier [via Daily Mail.

The Lanzarote, Spain-based web designer says she's happy because she and her cats never fight like she used to with former partners, and that she's never really wanted to marry any human partners because "some women are built to clean up after their men. I'm not like that." Obviously realizing that having two cats means you absolutely have to clean up after them, Buchner says she doesn't mind being her "cats' servant."

Three years after adopting her cats, Buchner found a website called MarryYourPet.com, was quickly approved by the women who run the site, paid the fee, and officially married them on Jan. 9, 2004, and later tattooed their initials on her right leg.

Buchner is quick to clarify that she doesn't have sex with the cats, but that "It's just pure, spiritual unconditional love on both sides, as simple as that. As long as I'm happy with it, I don't care. If Lugosi and Spider died, I would never marry another cat. They're my first cats and no other cat in future can change that. If a man ever approaches me, I just tell them straight off: 'Sorry, I'm married to my cats.'"

I'm gonna start a slow clap here. Join in any time.

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Lane Moore Sex & Relationships Editor I'm Lane Moore, sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.com.

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