Nicole Hayden

Times Herald

The first time Erica Paling, 26, of Memphis, was hit by her now ex-husband was March 13, 2006.

She made spaghetti for dinner. He was tired of eating spaghetti.

He threw the food against the wall.

And then he hit her.

From there the cycle of abuse escalated over the next two years. Paling was emotionally, physically and sexually abused.

Sadly, her story is not unusual.

In 2013, there were 375 complaints of domestic violence reported to the St. Clair County Sheriff's Office, said Deputy Steve Campau, the department's public information officer.

In 2013, 1,674 cases of domestic violence in St. Clair County were reported to the Michigan State Police, according to the 2013 Michigan Incident Crime Report. Of the St. Clair County reports, 1,183 were female victims and 490 were male. In Michigan, there were 96,400 total cases reported to the state police.

Year-to-date, there have been 223 complaints to the St. Clair County Sheriff Department.

The majority of reports involved an offender who is the victim's spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.

"A lot of people have an idea of what they think domestic violence is," said Haley Genaw, Blue Water Safe Horizons sexual assault counselor and program manager. "They typically imagine a Lifetime-type movie with victim blaming."

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which presents an opportunity to understand what domestic violence is, what services are offered and for survivors to share their stories.

Blue Water Safe Horizons, in Port Huron, is a shelter for abused women and children. It offers counseling, legal services, child services and assistance finding housing and jobs.

"This month and the #whyIstayed movement gives people a voice," Genaw said. "Abusers take power away — having survivors share their story gives power back to their voice."

The #whyIstayed Twitter trend was started after the release of the video of football player Ray Rice assaulting his wife, Janay Rice.









Erin Palermo, 28, Port Huron

Erin Palermo, 28, of Port Huron, met her ex-husband in 2002 when she was 16 years old. She described him as the greatest guy in the world.

"He made me think he was rescuing me from my bad situation at home. He was nice, wonderful and charming," Palermo said. "He sucked me in, and after I graduated high school I moved in with him."

They were married in 2006 — and his temperament began to slowly change.

"He would punch walls and throw things at me," she said. "Our neighbors would call the police for domestic violence, but I was too afraid to talk to the police."

Palermo said she felt trapped. Her husband wouldn't even allow her to go to the grocery store by herself.

"The day I knew I had to leave I was eight months pregnant with my son," she said. "He threw a clothes drying rack at me across the table, it hit the chandelier and it crashed down, I crawled under the table because I thought he was going to hurt my baby. The look in his eyes that night scared me, and I knew I had to get out."

But she didn't leave that night.

She waited.

"Sometimes it's safer to stay until you're ready," Palermo said. "I wanted to have my baby before I left, I needed a plan. I began tucking money away, I wanted to save enough for first month's rent. If you're not ready to leave, you just have to play along and try not to anger them."

In 2010, Palermo took her 9-month-old son and left.

Through the divorce and custody battle, her now 5-year-old son would come home with bruises after court-ordered visits to his father's house.

"Now my son comes home and tells me, 'Mommy, don't worry, Daddy doesn't hit me anymore,'" she said. "But just because I don't see bruises anymore, doesn't mean it's over."

Genaw said any kind of controlling behavior, jealousy and physical violence can be signs of a potential abuser.

"Once someone is abused, sometimes just trying to leave can be unsafe," Genaw said. "First, you have to create safety. Make a plan. Look for support through a neighbor, a friend, a family member, or call our crisis line if you are afraid to talk to anyone."

Dawn Anderson, 42, Port Huron

Dawn Anderson, 42, of Port Huron, met her ex-husband in 2009 on a dating site.

"He acted like he was the perfect match for me, he was agreeable and calm, we never argued. He was a bit possessive," Anderson said. "But at the time I thought the possessiveness was cute. I thought it meant he cared."

Within the same year, they were married.

And the abuse began.

"He would lock me in a room and take my keys. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. At night I would wake up to him on top of me and he would tell me he could kill me at any time," she said. "He controlled our money, too, and I wasn't allowed to use any of it."

On May 6, 2012, Anderson left for the last time.

"The night I left, we were arguing. I grabbed the kids and ran out the door," she said. "I was trying to call the police, but he grabbed my phone; I shoved the kids in the car and was about to take off, he grabbed the keys out of the ignition. Finally, our screaming attracted neighbors, and he let us go. I think he was afraid someone was going to call the police."

Anderson said her anger knowing she either had to choose him or her children's safety finally pushed her to leave.

"I stayed because there were moments of happiness. I had the illusion we were getting better, and I wanted to work it out," she said. "I thought if only I could be better, then he would be better."

Anderson said women have to believe there are better situations outside of their marriage.

"His thoughts were in my head. I was a stay-at-home mom. I felt like I was dependent," she said. "But you can make the choice to leave with nothing, because you will find a job and you will find help."

Anderson eventually found out that her ex-husband had a criminal sexual past.

"Sexual offenders are usually repeat offenders," Genaw said. "I tell everyone, look up the St. Clair County court docket online and search the name of the new person you are dating or about to marry. It's not an invasion of privacy. It's public information, and it's the first step to protect yourself."

Erica Paling, 26, Memphis

In 2006, two months before her 18th birthday, Erica Paling, 26, of Memphis, found out she was pregnant.

A week later she moved in with her boyfriend.

"The first time he was violent with me, he made it sound like it was because he was tired of eating spaghetti," she said. "He brought me flowers the next day."

The abuse escalated.

If Paling did not want to have sex with her now ex-husband she would be forced to sleep on the porch outside or on the hardwood floor outside of their bedroom.

"A month before I gave birth, he decided he wanted me to have a miscarriage," she said. "He kicked me in the stomach so hard that I flew off our bed."

Paling, believing the abuse was her fault, tried to make him happy.

But the abuse continued.

"He tracked my cell phone to see who I was talking to. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone except him and his mother," she said. "I wasn't even allowed to talk to my family."

The last time he hit her was in December 2008.

"I wasn't sure if I deserved better than him," she said. "But I knew my daughter deserved better, so I left."

Paling was hesitant to leave at first because she had no money, no education and no job.

"I now realize I was abused. You don't want to admit that your husband, the person you love, would do that," she said. "I lost myself. I hated myself. I was so depressed; I could never please him."

Blue Water Safe Horizons

Blue Water Safe Horizons operates two shelters and a supportive housing program, along with outreach services.

Sometimes women are directly referred to the shelter through the police or hospital, if the hospital suspects injuries to be related to abuse.

"Besides direct referrals, anyone can call us to find out if we have space," Genaw said. "For the last six months we have been over capacity, but we will assess the situation and help anyone who calls to find a solution, another shelter or temporary housing."

Blue Water Safe Horizon's crisis line is (888) 985-5538.

Genaw said the average abuse victim returns to his or her abuser six to eight times before leaving.

"They could leave the first time and never return, or they could return 50 times before they finally leave," Genaw said. "Each story and situation is different. We can't victim-blame. We don't know each person's situation."

Genaw said among the reasons why some victims stay is because they believe the problems can be worked out, they have a shared child, or they aren't financially stable on their own.

"The #whyIstayed movement was so important because so many victims do return," Genaw said. "The hashtag gave people a chance to share their story, because it's easy to dehumanize something when we are just talking about statistics and about how many women return. This gave a story to those statistics, and it shifted the story back to the abuser instead of just victim-blaming."

Genaw urges survivors to continue sharing their stories, use the hashtag and participate in awareness events.

From 4-6 p.m. Friday in Port Huron's Pine Grove Park, Genaw and survivors from Safe Horizons will be writing inspirational words in chalk on the sidewalk. At 5:30 p.m. there will be a silent vigil to pay respect to those who have died from abuse.

Friday also is Wear Purple Day, the color representing domestic-violence awareness.

Studio 1219, 1219 Military St., Port Huron, also will showcase artwork from domestic violence art therapy patients from Safe Horizons during October.

Contact Nicole Hayden at (810) 989-6279 or nhayden@gannett.com. Follow her on Twitter @NicoleHayden_TH.

BLUE WATER SAFE HORIZONS

• Blue Water Safe Horizon's crisis line: (888) 985-5538

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH EVENTS

• From 4 to 6 p.m. Friday in Port Huron's Pine Grove Park, Haley Genaw and survivors from Safe Horizons will be writing inspirational words in chalk on the sidewalk. At 5:30 p.m. there will be a silent vigil tp pay respect to those who have died from abuse.

• Friday also is Wear Purple Day, the color representing domestic violence awareness.

• Studio 1219, 1219 Military St., Port Huron, will also showcase artwork from domestic violence art therapy patients from Safe Horizons throughout the month of October.

• • Find other stories and information on Twitter using the #whyIstayed hashtag.