The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round Day 1 Schedule

7 Illinois vs 2 Creighton – 5 p.m. EST

6 Iowa vs 3 Kentucky – 6:30 p.m. EST

8 Saint Mary’s vs 1 Kansas – 8 p.m. EST

13 Vermont vs 5 BYU – 9:30 p.m. EST

Second Round Day 1 Preview

After a wild, wacky and sometimes violent first round, we’re on to the Round of 32 in Reddit March Madness. This round will take four days, like the first round did, but with half the games, it won’t be as much of a strain to catch all the action. Each tip is spaced out at 5 p.m., 6:30 p.m., 8 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. EST every day, meaning you can lounge around and watch virtual basketball players on a simulated video game for hours on end for multiple nights in a row, you champion of modernity, you.

Opening up the evening will be Illinois and Creighton, two teams will a healthy history of little to no accomplishments in March. The Illini have been closer to tasting the sweet nectar of supremacy, but they’ve been to two Final Fours since 1953 and are yet to return to the Sweet 16 since going to the national championship game in 2005.

A win to get to the second weekend for the first time in 15 years has led to local law enforcement beefing up.

“We have deployed state troopers at each cattle ranch in most of Illinois, with officers manning up stations in and around cows,” said Champaign police chief Chief Illiniwek. “If Illinois wins tonight, we expect a mass amount of cow-tipping attempts throughout Central and Southern Illinois that could massively disrupt our local economy. If they lose, then we’re really fucked.”

For Creighton, a ticket to the Sweet 16 sounds like everything it has ever hoped for and then some. The program hasn’t been that far since 1974, and head coach Greg McDermott is scared shitless than streak will remain.

“I’ve been researching all the various Gods of all the major, and some minor, religions in the world,” McDermott said. “I have prayed to them as much as possible. I’ve even been studying ancient languages to up the appeal. God better love Assyrian, because I’ve run out of ideas. “My wife is worried for my mental health.”

The second game of the slate pits Iowa and Kentucky against one another, two programs cut from very different cloths. Iowa is in search of its first Sweet 16 since 1999. Kentucky has been there 12 times in the same span.

“There won’t be enough room in the Sweet 16 for us both, see. Iowa will have to be dealt wit’,” said Wildcats head coach John Calipari before turning to his consigliere and whispering something in his ear.

His consigliere took over at the podium.

“There will be no more questions,” William Wesley said.

Kansas and Saint Mary’s will play in the third game, and Kansas head coach Bill Self had some choice words toward the Gaels after his team beat No. 16 seed NC Central, 72-62, in the first round.

“I’m not religious,” the Kansas boss said when asked about Saint Mary’s. “And I don’t trust Australians.”

Word reached Saint Mary’s head coach Randy Bennett, a former-caveman-turned-basketball-man, and he had something to say to the Kansas head coach ahead of the matchup.

“Randy smash! Randy smash!” Bennett shouted as he stomped around, crushing imaginary Bill Selfs on the carpet. “Jordan Ford score 50! Jordan Ford score 50!”

In the last game of the day, Vermont and BYU will do battle for a spot in the second weekend.

The Round of 64 had a handful of upsets, including No. 13 seed Vermont’s 72-69 win over No. 4 seed Louisville last Thursday. Everett Duncan hit a clutch three near the end of regulation to give the Catamounts the slight edge, surging to the top of the Vermont Duncan Power Rankings Index (VDPRI).

Daniel Giddens had a career night as well, scoring 16 points and grabbing 15 rebounds after averaging 3.4 points per contests during the regular season. He did not see that performance coming, and he’s nervous that he will be expected to replicate it against BYU.

“I can’t do that shit again,” he said, shaking his head. “No fucking way. Have you seen Yoeli Childs?”

The Cougars enter the matchup with tons of confidence for no particularly good reason other than they’re BYU. The team barely got by Stephen F. Austin, 78-75, largely due to the Lumberjacks making even more egregious errors than BYU down the stretch. But, House Slytherin is known for its unwavering self-confidence.

“I am not concerned with Vermont,” said BYU head coach Tom Riddle. “Vermont is merely a blip on the radar of the destruction I shall leave in my wake. The Dark Lord has his sights set on a much greater prize: I killed Mark Few’s parents, and now I will end him in the national championship.”

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.