I refuse to believe this is a real bear playing hockey. Shit, you put me on skates and I look like Walter White Jr. after ingesting a bucket of Quaaludes. That damn beast is already playing faster than Luke Schenn. Hey Jimmy Kimmel, get out of the suit and start back up The Man Show while you’re at it. I miss that program a lot more than any man should. But assuming this is in fact a real bear, damn you again, Russia. This ain’t cute. Just wait until the treats run out and he gets a taste for blood on the ice.

For the trainer’s sake, let’s hope this bear has been traveling in the circus long enough that his parents can’t trace his trail. You don’t mess with the Mama (or any) bear.