POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT

Cincinnati Bengals (0-1) vs San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Much like the conversations I have with my dog, standing over a steaming pile of vomit on the rug; what the fuck am I supposed to do with this, Cincinnati Bengals?

What’s in your mouth!? Drop iiiiiiit. Aw, I still love you, you adorable, slobbery shit-factory.

All of the goodwill and optimism gained from their showing in Seattle quickly evaporated in the 90+ degree heat, on the Bengals first possession:

sack

fumble

short pass

ballgame.

This is about the time I shuffled up the Section 116 steps to buy yet another over-priced beer. And oh, by the way Bengals, the Reds have figured out how to give out complimentary ice chips/water while we watch their team suck in the sweltering heat, you should learn to do the same.

Anyway.

The disastrous start got disastrouser when Jimmy Garoppolo found WIDE-ASS-FUCKING-OPEN Marquise Goodwin for the easiest touchdown I’ve seen I was Shakin’ and Blake’n to Darnay Scott in NFL Blitz ‘99. Woooooooooooo!

I wish my quarterback banged porn stars.

The defense that showed so much promise in Seattle was an absolute embarrassment on Sunday, allowing 572 English Unit yards with 259 of those coming on the ground, racked up ZERO sacks and generally showed no interest in making a tackle.

Speaking of, nearly half of the 49ers yards came after missed tackles. Also, the 572 yards allowed is fifth most in Bengals franchise history.

*laughs in Teryl Austin*

The 49ers out gained the Bengals 222-8 in the 3rd quarter — Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) September 15, 2019

Someone please explain to me why Dre Kirkpatrick is still on this team. If it’s the money, then fuck, that’s not a good reason. The hair? Man’s got great hair. 99 score in Madden for hair, no doubt. Dude got torched all day, couldn’t buy a tackle and was stiff-armed into the fucking Sports Center Top 10. Really, anyone not named William Jackson III was a liability in the secondary.

Wait, Shawn Williams is still on this team?

The offense wasn’t any better, of course. Here’s how the Bengals’ drives panned out:

Punt

Touchdown

Punt

Missed FG (Thanks Fat Randy)

FG

Interception

Punt

Punt

Punt

Turnover on downs

Touchdown

Fantastic. I’m going to be the Oprah Winfery of handing out blame, because Jeeeeeeeeeesus Mighty Morphin’ Christ that was ugly. John fuckin’ Jerry, a guy who didn’t even play in the NFL last year, was put in the game for a benched Andre Titty Smitty.

Needless to say, the pass protection sucked, Dalton sucked and the run game…well, let me tell you a little about the run game.

Through two entire NFL football games, the Cincinnati Bengals have amassed 59 total rushing yards, which is good for dead fucking last in the league and, BONUS BAD, tied for fourth worst through two games in the Super Bowl era. We’re making history, boys!

You know what you absofuckinlutely do not do in the wake of a beatdown loss like this? Call out the fans.

Cue the Joe Mixon quote!

When are tryouts? I can probably do better on Defense https://t.co/mdiBu0YlQg — Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) September 15, 2019

Are you fucking serious, man? This team hasn’t won a playoff game in 28 Earth Years and you’re going to talk shit to the fans when you get booed on your way to a 41-17 loss? All we know is boos and booze.

You think we want to be this way? We’d love to have the burden of success yoked across our backs. We should come try out, huh? Well, it just so happens that I know a guy with two thumbs, a drinking problem and is more than capable of missing tackles like the rest of this team.

This guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy.

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Post-game Rants All Season.

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