When I was little, my family nicknamed me “Cautious Clem”.

I didn’t like to walk on the hardwood floor in just my socks (what if I slipped?), I was the only kid on the cul-de-sac who begged for one of those tall, orange flags to tether to the back of my bike’s banana seat (to make sure cars could see me!), and from about the age of 10, I’ve toted around my own fully stocked first aid kit (You know, just in case).

You can’t be too careful. (No seriously, you can’t!)

So it will come as no surprise to anyone that when I saw the following pin pop up on Pinterest, it was all I could do to keep from shouting… TAKE MY MONEY NOW!!!!

Pinterest Nightmare #593: The Emergency Face Mask Bra

It’s The Emergency Face Mask Bra! By day it sits under your sweaters keeping the girls lifted and separated, but in the event of an airborne pathogen attack thanks to it’s special lining it becomes TWO GAS MASKS!!

Who knew that Victoria’s Secret was …she can SAVE YOUR LIFE??!!

Imagine the scenario…You and your man are taking a nice stroll down the beach at sunset. You catch a whiff of ebola virus in the air. Three undergarment adjustments later and BAM…YOUR BRA SAVES BOTH OF YOU.

Thank you Emergency Face Mask Bra! (And no, it did not escape my attention that lady above is cavorting in public wearing only her bra, rendering herself topless when she needs to spring into action. No wonder her companion looks so pleased to be facing a respiratory assault. They must be European.)

For only $29.99, The Emergency Face Mask Bra will provide you with excellent support as well as two cups worth of pulmonary security! A mere $20 upgrade also gets you a patented brassiere radiation sensor so you know how fast you need to be running away from high energy gamma rays.

Since my breasts haven’t really done anything truly constructive since I stopped nursing, you can imagine how excited I was to get them back into the action! But wait, the Emergency Face Mask Bra only comes in sizes 32B-44D.

Caution Clem says WHAT????

I’m guessing that A cups are too small to provide adequate protection, and giant DD cups like mine would swallow someone’s face whole, rendering them unable to see in the event of emergency. (As if we girls on either end of the bell curve needed any further evidence that we can’t catch a break. *sob*)

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.