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YOU’VE heard the reports on the news, Gardaí seize cannabis resin with a street value of €60,000, customs seize cannabis plants with a street value of €560,781. But have you ever wondered where these figures come from? Wonder no longer, as WWN expose the secret formula:

1) Take into account when the last seizure was

If you’re a member of an elite Garda unit tasked with keeping drug trafficking in check, you’re expected to have something to show for your work. But sometimes, you’ll go weeks or even months without seizing anything… hey, seizing drugs is difficult! That shit is hard to find!

Well, to make matters easier, you can simply use a multiplier on the value of the drugs you seize against the number of weeks that have passed since last you went a’seizing. If you swooped on €10k last week, then this week’s haul is probably €10k as well, but if ten weeks go by without a drug find, then you can apply a 10x multiplier… now you’ve seized €100k worth of cannabis! Even if that’s literally an entire acre of cannabis.

2) Use the term ‘street value’

Nobody is going to question ‘street value’. Hell, our 2004 Citroen C4 with no NCT has a ‘street value’ of €30,000, if we were to ever find some sap to give us that much for it. A better name for ‘street value’ would be ‘posh kids trying drugs for the first time’ value; you can always sell to those saps for way over the normal price. €100k of cannabis at ‘posh first timers’ value is probably only about €3k in ‘lads who’ve been smoking since they were nine’ value. But nobody questions this, so stick whatever you want on it!

3) Check if there’s any Garda scandals at the minute

Garda scandals are the best known multiplier for the price of seized drugs. €15k of resin suddenly gets reported as being valued at €189,975. A ten-spot suddenly goes for three teeth and a newborn child. As long as it makes a nice splash in the media and replaces any negative Garda press with positivity over a significant victory in the war against the evil cannabis smoking community, it’s win-win all round! And the best part is, nobody will ever challenge your figures! Win!