1. To the person that says, “Oh! It isn’t scanning! That must mean it’s free!”

Every time someone tells that joke a cashier dies. I hope you can sleep with that on your conscience.

2. To the person that says, “It is such a beautiful day outside. Such a shame you have to be in here all day!”

Well, fortunately I have people like you to remind me how sad and vitamin D deficient my life is. Thanks for doing your part.

3. To the person that insists on taking the opportunity of a captive audience to tell me how perfect and great their child is:

You think THAT’S impressive? I saw a kid make a slip n’ slide with nothing but his own urine and a tile floor. THAT is ingenuity!

4. To the person that insists I check in the back for an item:

Yes! What a great idea!! I forgot we have the magic portal back there that we only use for special guests like you! Let me go activate the control board and get those beamed right in from headquarters. Can’t believe I almost forgot about this magic at the tip of my fingers!

5. To the person outraged that we don’t accept checks:

Well, you know…9/11? (Because I mean, what can they say to that?)

6. To the person on their cell phone the entire time I am ringing them out:

I’m sure that telling your bff about your super-hot date with the mega rich lawyer is way more important than taking four seconds to acknowledge there is an actual person standing in front of you, but if you could please but down the phone I would really appreciate it. If you don’t, I’m going to fart in your bag so there will be a death cloud hitting you in the face when you open it.

7. To the parent that left their small child unattended in the store so they could go shop for shoes:

Hi. You should change your name to “The Reason Birth Control Was Invented.”

8. To the person that keeps trying to get me to give them a discount when I have already explained I am unable to do anything to lower the price:

You were the kid who tried to trade his tuna sandwich for pudding cups in elementary school weren’t you?

9. To the person that starts to tell me WAY too much about their personal issues:

I majored in theatre, not psychology. As you can see it has landed me this prestigious job. I can’t actually offer you any advice or help you in anyway, but I can sure as hell stand here and act like I care. Does that work for you?

10. To the obnoxious, rich lady complaining because things cost too much or other banal first world problems:

Look at your ring finger. See that? That shiny bauble is worth about twice my yearly income. Calm your tits, go get a soy latte and realize you have it better than 99% of people in this country. Saving $8 on toys for your kid really isn’t going to benefit your life in any way. Also, you look orange. Work that shit out because it’s not cute.

11. To the large group of teens that are walking around as if they are burdened by life:

Nothing. I don’t talk to youths.

12. To the person that makes a point to tell me how much cheaper products are at other stores:

Here’s an idea: Go there and shop. You smell like disappointment and I can’t handle that right now.

13. To the creepy food court worker that comes into the store and stares at me:

You’re the only one that makes me feel special and scares at the same time. Thanks?

14. To the person that says, “Wow! You’ve worked here for a long time!”

Hey, you have shitty kids! Oh? Are we not playing the “Let’s tell people things that make them feel dead inside” game?

15. To the person that has all of their children’s Christmas presents bought and wrapped by August.

Will you adopt me?

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