Anderson, SC — Controversial Newspring Church preacher Perry Noble shocked congregants Sunday with the news of his departure as senior pastor, due to his “posture towards marriage” and use of alcohol, but none were prepared for the evening declaration from his twitter page:

“You guys SUCK! I’m opening a BREWERY, and it’s going to have the DANKEST IPAs the world has ever seen!”

In an interview with Teh State, a visibly flushed Noble shared blueprints and renderings of a 10,000 seat HopSpring Brewing Worship Centre in Anderson. Following this, Noble plans to open four 7,000 seat HopSpring Worshipatoriums in Fort Mill, Summerville, Greenville, and Myrtle Beach, where congregants will be able view a livestream of Noble drinking in Anderson via a 40-foot tall telepresence robot, Beery Noble.

“I’ve spent years drinking the funkiest Lambics, the dankest IPA’s, the darkest Imperial Stouts, and I’ve learned that NOTHING, not even Jesus touching you deep-down in your special purpose early on Sunday morning, can compare to the taste of my premier brew, ‘For Thy Stomach’s Sake Wine Barrel-Aged Sour Ale’. If you don’t believe that, then you officially SUCK as a human being!”

Noble then turned his sights on the NewSpring board that fired him on Sunday.

“Let me tell you something in PLAIN ENGLISH language, man. That board SUCKS, and they can eat a bag of DICKS, as far as I’m concerned. They want to play hardball? I’ll shove a Teku up their ass sideways if they try to mess with me about the name of this place. It’s TOTALLY different, and that’s AWESOME!”

HopSpring Brewing will open this fall, just in time for a 95 degree South Carolina Oktoberfest near you.