What makes my job interesting: I get to play pretend. A lot. Especially lately. Booking jobs is essential to survival, and the fact that at 23 I can play an age range (speaking in regional theatre terms only) of 17 to 75 is pretty astounding… with the help of a little stage make up and the appropriately styled and colored wig, of course.

What makes my job difficult: Sometimes, I get stuck there. And then I get angry, and upset, and feel extremely unattractive. These feelings take over most aspects of my life, and I am left to find a way out of the dark hole I put myself in in the first place.

My type, as an actress, falls into the character type. These are usually the funny people in the corner, the cross-dressing, obnoxious, sometimes over the top, slightly fanciful, most likely not dancing (and if we are, it is usually for comedic effect), and usually not thought of as beautiful. The weirdos of the theatre community. Granted most of the actors in this genre work fairly consistently- myself, for example, has been working non-stop from April 2012 through August of 2013 (I am currently on a one month hiatus while resting up for the next contract beginning in October), and you may not even know their names. What this entry is really about is my struggle to remind myself that I am not just my type. Yes, this business will view me in a certain way, and there is little I can do in my current position as non-union nobody to change much. But that does not have to penetrate every aspect of my life.

This has been brought on by my most recent foray into the theatre- playing three old ladies over the course of ten weeks. Three very different old ladies, each with their own eccentricities and thought patterns and ways of communicating with others. As a young woman, I have had moments over the last few years where I looked in the mirror and all I saw was someone who was just the characters she played: older, wiser, crankier, unappealing has-beens who are not really viewed as beautiful, sexual beings. What’s worse is that is how I thought everyone else I was working with saw me as, too. It surprises most people how sexual I am. I think this is partly due to the fact I may not get to play the vixen on stage… so I have to make up for the desire to be seen as desirable in my real life. It is so interesting: for most performers, they carry out what they wish they could be on stage, while I carry out what I wish to be in real life. We put so much of ourselves in the roles we play, and invest so much that sometimes it is hard to step away from that kind of connection. It was not until I started dating a rather well-known photographer, whose name shall not be revealed as I promised to protect his privacy, this past February that I began to see myself for what I am.

What I am: I am, in fact, attractive. There is still work to be done, but I can stand alone, even shine, under the right circumstances and with the right company. It has been said that even the ugly characters on stage still have to be the most attractive people within their type. This is the most ass-backwards compliment one could possibly receive: “Congratulations- you are the most attractive unattractive person on stage!” I’m sorry, that is not the reassurance someone like me needs. I do need to, on occasion, I am pretty. I know I have the smarts to back most of the things I say and believe, and I am a conversationalist. But Joan Rivers put it best: “No man ever reached up a woman’s dress for a library card!” I am vain. I am not ashamed to admit that when I go out, my hair is styled and my face is made up and I try to dress myself well. For my own sanity, I have to remind myself I am not the old ladies I tend to portray; at least not yet. I am sensitive, receptive, harder on myself and more critical than you could ever be, but ultimately I am working toward being a better version of myself. The keyword to everything I am is evolutionary. I am not the same as I was a year ago, or five or ten years ago. Change is the only thing I cling to. The men, clothes, friends, family, extra weight, poverty come and go… but change is always apparent. Hence why I am such an advocate for being evolutionary… survival of the fittest, and all.

I will continue to dream of the day someone will be okay with a plus-sized Dot- she does sing about how her bust should be smaller and her waist thinner… why has no one caught onto this? Anyway, I am grateful to be a working, thriving, young actress with several projects coming up in the next six months. It is nice to be in demand. It is even nicer when you can be in demand, and still be yourself on the downtime. If you are struggling with this conflict of people not seeing you as more than your type… or, really, you not seeing yourself as more than your type: it’s okay to be frustrated, angry, even hurt or depressed. The goal is to recognize those feelings, get beyond those feelings, and make something positive out of the whole experience. We are so much more than what we appear to be on stage. It is hard to contend with that on your own, let alone adding the seemingly endless opinion of others to the mix. We have to strive to find assurance in ourselves. Seeking it from the outside is a good place to visit, but not to stay. In order for this kind of assurance to be most gratifying, we have to look for it within ourselves. For a long time, I did not know where I fit in in this world, if at all. Slowly but surely, I am figuring it out. It is going to take time, but you have to know that there is more to you than what meets the eye… and more to you than that first impression at an audition. It is then a matter of believing it, investing in yourself, and acting upon it. Being multi-dimensional, or having layers like an ogre/onion, helps us see we are more than our surface value. Perception is everything.

Well, I think I have said enough for now. Shine on, all, and sleep well.

P.S.- what makes a character actor special is what parts of themselves they bring to each role, to make the stereotypes slightly less typical. Let that marinate for a few weeks. ‘Til soon!