CHICKENS have thanked consumers for their concern over methods of slaughter and asked if that goodwill could be extended to just leaving them alone.

As Pizza Express confirmed all their chicken meat is halal, Britain’s favourite birds stressed that being stunned before having their throats cuts in the traditional Muslim fashion was ‘small consolation’, and that, ideally, they would prefer to live in an orchard.

Jane Thomson, a four month-old chicken from Lincolnshire, said: “If I was a Pizza Express customer I’d probably want to know if they were using religious methods of slaughter, but it’s a moot point because I’m not a huge fan of pizza and I’m a prisoner in this massive shed.

“Still, it’s nice to know that before you shove me and all of my friends into your fat faces, you’re terribly worried about how we spend our last moments. You’re an amazing species and our admiration for you is boundless.”

Ms Thomson added: “Funnily enough, the humans who spend their meagre salaries at the popular chicken outlets are the ones with whom we feel the greatest affinity.

“Perhaps one day we’ll all live together in a big orchard and you can give us corn and we’ll give you eggs and no-one needs to die.

“Anyway, that’s my tuppence worth.”