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Peter Crouch's new autobiography I Robot (Penguin Books) is out and there are plenty of Stoke City mentions dotted throughout its 272 pages.

Here’s a sample of what to expect from the big man as he makes us laugh and, with Stoke’s Premier League relegation in mind, very nearly cry...

ON ERIK PIETERS GRABBING CHAIRMAN’S PARKING SPACE

“It was when Erik Pieters stuck his car in Peter Coates’s designated spot at the bet365 Stadium that I realised a certain malaise had set in at Stoke.

“Had it happened at Spurs, Sir Alan Sugar would have ripped the player’s head off. Coates is a very nice man, and instead sent the security guard up to ask Erik to move it.

“But you could tell he wasn’t happy, and you could sense that the attitude which said it was better to sling your car in the owner’s space rather than in the players’ area 30 metres away was not going to translate well on the pitch.

“It wasn’t the only reason we got relegated from the Premier League in 2018, but it told its own small tale.

When I left Stoke for Burnley, he (Coates, not Pieters)) sent me a lovely personal letter, thanking me for my eight years, telling me I’d been a great ambassador, inviting me to come back any time I liked.”

(Image: EMPICS Sport)

ON XHERDAN SHAQIRI

“Shaqiri could be brilliant. He’d set off, dribble past two men, end up on the left wing – and stay on the left wing. Then we would be totally out of shape.

“Joe Allen would dash over to help the full-back, inadvertently leaving us short in midfield. At least drop into left midfield, you’d think, so we could all shuffle across.

“Instead it would take Shaqiri an age to re-animate. We would eventually lump the ball clear and he would be caught offside on the left touchline, as a right winger.

“There is a fine line between being mercurial and just doing what you want. People will point out, rightly, that Shaqiri scored eight goals and had seven assists during the 2017–18 season in a team relegated.

“But for 85 minutes each weekend he would be making everyone else’s job slightly harder. Resentment grew in the squad, resentment grew with management. Neither system nor player could mesh.”

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