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SATIRE SITES SHUTTING DOWN

We have learned exclusively that some of the most famous satire sites, including The Onion, Now8News, and SatireLife will be shuttering their doors and turning off their pixels in 2016 as the US presidential election nears, with up to 83 percent of the American population both laughing and shuddering at the same time from articles which pass as real news. According to a secret memo from one of the satire sites and obtained by our contacts at Anonymous, here are some of the stories that could not be outdone by sites like The Onion.

Rachel Dolezal Finally Admits to Being Born White, Crowd Applauds

Not so Deep, People who like “pseudo-profound” quotes are not so smart, says science

Google Maps error blamed for Nicaraguan invasion

Ohio woman caught eating cereal while driving, leads police on 30-mile high-speed chase

SATIRE ALTERNATIVES EASIER TO FIND

With community aggregator sites collecting up supposedly true and real articles under names such as “Not the Onion,” and with these stories being absolutely unbelievable and too hilarious to effectively spoof, there simply is no need for satire sites online anymore. Satire sites will go the way of the BetaMax, the horse and carriage, and all of human civility — gone. Fortunately, the Smithsonian Institution is rushing to collect screen-shots of these sites to print and post in its new wing under construction. The Smithsonian Board of Regents has issued the following statement:

“We are very excited to announce that construction has begun on a whole new wing of our institution to commemorate the days when satire was relatively funny compared to the real world. The new wing will be called ‘Not Funny Anymore.’ The centerpiece of the new wing will be Archie Bunker’s chair, which we acquired in 1978.”

SCIENTIFIC STUDY PLAYED ROLE IN DECISIONS

Back in August, the Pewstinky Research Center released its study of news and humor online. This highly respectable organization counted laughs-per-1000-articles at some popular sites. Leading the pack was Breitbart.com, which is considered by some to be an actual true news site, followed by Wonkette.com which actually is more true but whose writing style is more outlandish, according to PolitiFreak.

Breitbart.com – 283

Wonkette.com – 246

CNN.com – 222

FOX.com – 221

MSNBC.com – 218

WashingtonPost.com – 166

Now8News.com – 99

TheOnion.com – 44

NYTimes.com – 43

The new trend in informational sites is to make sarcasm and humor pass as real news — especially for a very partisan political purpose — with traditional news sources including CNN and FOX quickly gaining upon the supposedly true stories at Breitbart and Wonkette. Even such official seeming sites are moving in the satire direction, with New York Times expected to pass The Onion in average laughs within three months.

When we reached an insider at Now8News.com, we were told, “It seems the satire field is crashing fast now. Anyone who would attempt to make an online satire site is simply a fool. And how many times can a person paste together doctored pictures and make joke sex stories about Walmart or Burger King and expect people to keep coming? Did I say anyone putting up a new satire site now is a complete idiot?”

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