Fantasy Football Captain Picks Gameweek 16 2017/18

Welcome to Fantasy Football Captain Picks Gameweek 16. GW15 saw explosive returns for an old Captain Tips favourite Philippe Coutinho. His goal and 3 assists playing an integral part in Liverpool’s demolition of Brighton. Not that he didn’t get any help though, Mo Salah chipped in with an assist of his own, and Roberto Firmino continued to bemuse non-owners with 2 goals in what has proved to be a frustratingly unpredictable campaign.

Perhaps the biggest story of the past two gameweeks has been Jesse Lingard’s 3 goals and 3 assists, proving to be an unexpected bargain basement route into Man Utd and showing form worthy of captaincy. Well, steady on. For now.

The most likely source of points, and a captaincy poster boy, didn’t disappoint. Eden Hazard continued his scintillating form with 15 points marking his 3rd foray into double-digit territory inside 5 weeks.

Now onto GW16. Changing tact entirely, I’ve been reading a Japanese book called ‘1Q84’, about what some might call life in a parallel universe where things are the same, but not quite. Not that this is of any use to us. We need to stay firmly rooted in reality and…. oh my… sorry, I’m feeling woozy. I need to sit down for a bit and…

*wavey line screen transition*

On Being Alan Sanchez (Southampton, away)

“No, Alan. You can’t leave yet. I know you don’t like it here, but you’re under contract. We need you to stay.”

Slamming the manager’s door behind him, the indignant Chilean stomped across the open plan office back to his desk. Pausing for a few moments, he woke up his dormant PC and resumed playing solitaire. Alan knew deep down he should be grateful; after all this successful stationery supply company had consistently finished in the top 4 nationwide. But it was time for a change, and his ambitions were outgrowing his surroundings.

“You know, if you wait until the summer to move, you could get even more money!”, chirped the neighbouring Miranda, who was in charge of sales. “You could go wherever you wanted, and be rich. So just knuckle down and make the most of your time here!”.

Alan knew she was right and vowed to give it everything he had, accruing clients from across the land. Every passing week saw a marked improvement in his attitude and performance. At first Tottenham, then Burnley, and then Huddersfield. Not even a sales blip in Manchester could deter him, and his efforts were lauded. His next stop was the South Coast. He knew that Southampton had a reputation for going through paper and were in desperate need of clean sheets. Alan loaded his car, rubbed his hands together in the cold foggy air and allowed himself a smile. This would almost certainly be a fruitful visit.

Bo Salad and his Tales from the Tomb (Everton, home)

The Old Kingdom stretched out before them. Gathered round a crackling fire an elderly man had been regaling a captivated audience with the story of a legend, long since lost to time.

“Tell us more about Bo!” a voice from the back bellowed.

“Very well”, the wise sage reassured calmly. “Bo was exiled by his people, and traveled the length of the Nile to find solace, surviving only on the wild ducks he found there along the banks. Famished and exhausted, he finally stumbled upon a landmark now known as the Great Pyramid of Giza. Seeking refuge, he begged loudly to the gods for shelter, food and water. Suddenly the sound of heaving rock grinding apart could be heard, and sure enough, a large opening appeared before Bo Salad. He crawled inside.”

The assembled masses gasped. The old man continued,

“Bo rose to his feet and saw a silhouette against a wall. ‘Do not approach me, hear only this’ said the figure, shrouded in darkness. His accent was alien to this continent. Perhaps even German. ‘You must return to the people who cast you into oblivion, and show them that you are strong. You will not be alone, for I will help you.’ The kind German stepped forward into the light and offered his hand to Bo, summoning a tremendous flash of divine energy to consume the tomb. What followed was a vacuum. A silence. Nothing. The pyramid stood just as it had before. This ends the tale of Bo Salad.”

The crowd slowly dispersed, unsated yet mesmerised. But one curious punter, a 24-year old carpenter stayed behind. “What happened next? Did Bo become a great success after all?”

The elder used his cane to carve ’12 goals, 4 assists’ into the sand. He took off his hat and removed his grey beard revealing the face of a much younger man. “Yes, I did.”

Ready Steady Eddie (West Ham, away)

All dribbles thwarted, shots screwed wide,

and every Cruyff turn token.

Two years ago, the end was nigh.

Things irretrievably broken.

“He’s lost the plot”, “Get rid of him!”

The taunts came thick and fast.

The king is dead, long live the king.

A new coach seized the task.

“Come on Eddie, sort it out.”

The boss restored belief.

From lassitude and mental doubts,

had Eddie found relief.

So now he stands imperious,

Revered among his peers.

His critics turned delirious,

“The best he’s played for years”.

With five goals bagged in seven games,

and three assists to boot.

Steady Eddie’s ready made,

to torment Moyes’s troops.

The Malaise of Barry Caine (Stoke, home)

Barry tapped out the last of his cigarette ashes, sighing deeply as he rose awkwardly from his sofa and ambled towards the radio. Sliding the switch to AM, and spooling the dial through the local frequencies, he knew the sports journalists would be having a field day. One sound-bite after another seemingly queuing up to bark at the troubled striker.

“…has only scored 3 at home…” *buzzzz* “…still hampered by his hamstring injury…” *fizzzz* “…in a team low on confidence…” *click*

The radio fell silent, but the echoes remained. Caine knew he and his much-maligned teammates were able. Hadn’t anyone noticed how much better at home they now were? That they’d taken 10 points from 12? That they were about to play a team who’d kept only one shutout in the previous 13 games?

Locking the front door behind him, Barry caught the attention of a young beggar, scampering towards him across the cobblestone lane.

“Barry! Can I have a ticket for the next game, sir? Please, sir!”

“You know we’re playing Stoke, right?”, came the star’s gruff reply.

The pauper recoiled, “Ah. Maybe, I’m busy that day then.”

Caine patted the boy’s head and tucked a couple of VIP European Cup tickets into the lad’s coat pocket. The tall local hero then fastened his cape and, without looking back, soared into the sky. Putting one hand to his chest, the child stared up longingly at the indistinguishable point slaloming the clouds, and muttered a tribute.

“He’s one of our own.”

Thanks for reading Fantasy Football Captain Picks Gameweek 16

This article was written by Bryan Munich.



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Gameweek Tracker GW16-22

This includes all of the festive fixtures. This will be your best friend at Christmas. Take a screenshot and save it somewhere on your phone…