It doesn't do to upset the Canadians – and with an axe to grind they are going after London's Olympic double act

Much ado about Wenlock and Co

"Wow all this attention is amazing," tweeted the new Olympic icon Wenlock, as he and co-mascot Mandeville were unveiled to the world on Wednesday. They'll need to stay optimistic as it appears that, in one country at least, their cards have already inadvertently been marked by the British press. It doesn't do to upset the Canadians and, with an axe to grind, they're going after London's double act.

Still bristling after negative reports of this year's Winter Olympics in Vancouver the Canadian press have united behind what they see as a chance to return the favour. Calgary's Herald opened the offensive, commenting: "London's creepy one-eyed Olympic mascots scare us. Especially the one with the blue stain on its crotch" (Mandeville), before joyously reporting that: "One kid on Twitter called the London mascots 'terror sperm'."

The National Post weighed in under the headline: "Who's laughing now, London?" referring to them as "walking alien penis creatures". This was a popular image, the Toronto Sun describing "terrifying penis monsters" and the Montreal Gazette warning: "If you've yet to see photos of the mascot couple ... Keep the young children away."

The Globe and Mail united their opprobrium with current affairs, quoting the industry minister Tony Clement's tweet: "Saw the pic of the UK mascots. See what happens when you create a coalition?" while the Vancouver Sun turned the approbation global under the banner: "World unites online against London's Olympic mascots", noting their "disturbing resemblance to partly blinded Teletubbies" before asking the hapless victims outside for a fight: "It's safe to say [Vancouver's] 2010 mascot Quatchi could kick their alien butts."

Even the papers that avoided overt editorialising twisted the knife. The Ottowa Citizen followed their headline "London Olympic Games mascots are met with derision" with a round-up of abusive online comments, while British Columbia's the Province simply quoted locals: "'They don't look like anything,' said Patchen Gallagher, before remembering where he was and focusing on the party line: 'It looks like someone spat on the ground and laid a Union Jack over it.'"

A day later Wenlock tweeted again: "We're glad to be here, there's going to be lots to do ..." There certainly is, and let's hope they can cope, as by the end of the week even Vanity Fair joined in: "Meet the London 2012 Olympic mascot, a ghoulish cycloptic phallus named Wenlock."

France: Chanting and protests as PSG fans disrupt Euro bid



France's bid to stage Euro 2016 took a dent last week not because of inadvertent Lord Triesmann-style disclosures but because of rowdy sabotage by – who else – Paris Saint-Germain fans. As Frédéric Thiriez, the president of the Ligue de Football Professionnel, was speaking at a press conference to explain why the country would be the perfect hosts, dozens of PSG fans stormed the auditorium and began chanting "Our taxes aren't for the Euros!" (footage at: tiny.cc/4eas6) before moving on to the real reason for their intrusion: to protest against the perceived bias of the authorities when it comes to clamping down on hooliganism in Paris. The intruders were all regulars in the Auteuil end of the Parc des Princes and are convinced that they have been more harshly dealt with than the neo-Nazis that gather at the opposite end.

"You don't scare me!" insisted Thiriez before he and French Football Federation president Jean-Pierre Escalettes walked out. "How do you plan to host the Euros when you can't even stop 150 fascists from provoking people in the Auteuil stand?" shouted one protester, prompting an obvious follow-up question: how do you plan to host the Euros when you can't even stop 50 fans from the Auteuil from aborting a press conference?

Meanwhile in the French capital there was better news for non-league side Paris FC, who are set to be awarded three points for the match they lost 3-0 to AS Saint-Ouen-l'Aumône (Assoa) last October after it emerged that their opponents fielded an impostor. Having hired a private investigator to confirm their suspicions, Paris FC now say they have proof that the Assoa player Adilson Tavares was, in fact, Jean-Claude Semedo Gonçalves, who was banned for five years in 2006 for "exceptional on-pitch violence". Legal proceedings are under way and the outcome will effect both teams' hopes of promotion to France's fifth tier: Assoa currently lead their league by two points – from Paris FC.

Kenya: Waitresses, beer and balls unite for charity



FThe former Kenya and AFC Leopards players Mike Amwayi and Peter Lichungu are among the ex-international footballers that are now playing in the Wazee Pamoja league, a four-team charity competition where, in flagrant contradiction of Fifa rules regarding alcohol, "the only rule that seems to apply with abandon is that of the bottle", reports the Standard.

"Players, most of them middle-aged men, kick the ball, then dash to the touchline to sip from their bottles, while substitutes on the bench and managers are served throughout the match. The liquor is readily available, courtesy of a mobile bar that is managed by the waitresses who run up and down the pitch serving players." The dream of many a Sunday-leaguer, it seems, has come true: "One player-manager played for a few minutes holding his beer bottle then rested for a while to finish his drink."

But there is a serious side to it too. Founder member Onyino Mukobe says the group's main objective is to do charity work within Nairobi. The team physiotherapist Jonah Chitira told the Standard: "Our motto is 'relinquish one beer to help others'. That way we manage to raise charity funds." The 50-year-old Amwai also hailed the initiative, saying it helps the players keep fit as they raise money.

It seems to be working, as the league recently raised 50,000 Kenyan shillings (£450) to look after 12 needy patients who had been detained at Pumwani maternity hospital. Appropriately, the teams are named after, and based around, bars for this unique competition – "It is notable that as the match progresses, many players keep stumbling and falling as they chase the ball," says the Standard.

United States: Supreme surfer catches wave from Washington



Congratulations are in order for surfer Kelly Slater (below) this week, says Florida Today, as the US House of Representatives unanimously passed a bipartisan resolution honouring the nine-times world champion for his wave‑wrangling achievements.

"It ranks high, mainly because it was unexpected," Slater said. "Not just to be recognised in a political way, but in a public way. That's a huge honour. No one voted against it."

"He is unmatched, unparalleled in the world of surfing," the Florida Republican Bill Posey, who sponsored the resolution, told FT. "Obviously, he is an inspiration to many." Not least the various sponsors of surfing in the US, who find their brands featured in the resolution, included in a list of his achievements – mainly major surfing events that they were promoting and that he had won. As well as honouring Slater, then, resolution 792 has also enshrined Billabong (three times), Rip Curl (twice) and O'Neill and Quicksilver (one apiece).