I had one of those nights last night, when sleep came fitfully. As often happens on those sorts of nights I remembered my dreams (on normal nights I sleep too deeply to remember them).

In one of my dreams there was a lot of nonsense going on about trying to find my way through brick row houses to an alleyway or side road on the other side, but the interesting thing was that at one point when I identified myself to someone I explained that I was FtM, and only looked like a girl because I hadn’t started T yet. I was very confident about that, without any of the doubts and caveats I’ve had in real life, and it felt much better to just say that clearly and not be questioning it.

In the second dream I was also trans, but in that one I was standing in a line with my wife and some other people, and someone who was calling people up gendered me as male, after a slight hesitation. It felt great, so much so that I was disappointed to wake up and realized that I hadn’t actually passed, I only dreamed I did.

I’d like to get myself to a point where I consistently see myself as a trans guy who would transition if he could, which was the way I saw myself in the first dream. Even if I decide I can’t/don’t want to transition, thinking about myself in that way has felt way more right than any of the other options for a while now. I don’t particularly feel that I’m between genders or that my gender shifts — although it can feel more or less urgent it doesn’t really feel like it changes.