Looking a bit grey for the Red Woman.

Game of Thrones is always a tricky premiere. Writers have the arduous task of re-introducing, whilst simultaneously juggling the whole ensemble. That said, this time around they did a decent enough job as the return of the coldest show on television took us on a trip from the Wall to Dorne and back again.

When the episode title was released, many assumed it earned its name for Melisandre’s hand in the highly anticipated largely expected resurrection of Jon Snow, and although we didn’t get the reveal we were hoping for, what we did get was equal parts intriguing and disturbing – classic Thrones.

So about that wrinkly elephant in the room… Turns out that everybody’s favourite Sorceress Orgasmus – remember that time she got down with Stannis to make a Renly-killing shade-baby? – is a little more Grey Woman than Red nowadays.

Book readers may recall a similar illusion from the Priestess used to fool the Night’s Watch (spoiler spoiler spoiler). But for readers and show watchers alike, Melisandre’s… ahem… “reveal,” was a labido killing, left-fielded blindside, the likes of which I hope we never see again.

Also at the Wall, Liam Cunningham continued in his excellent portrayal of Davos Seaworth. The Onion Knight has consistently acted as an anchor to the Stannis plots. Both as one of a few primary characters with “common” routes, and as an initial sceptic, and later weary opposer to the Red Woman’s sorcery.

Much of Davos’ role in the show has centred around him being Stannis’ voice of reason. The voice that says “you probably shouldn’t be burning your daughter as a blood magic sacrifice.”

Now with Stannis dead (probably?), Davos has found himself backed into quite the corner. He briefly gravitated towards Jon before his demise, and now he’s stuck at the Wall, untrusting of the murderous Brothers surrounding him. He’s even willing to weaponise Melisandre in order to help the remaining Wildling’s and Jon loyalists around The Wall.

I wonder if he’ll be as willing when he discovers Melisandre’s hand in Shireen’s sacrifice?

Elsewhere, things are just as chaotic for the most part.

It’s still kicking off in Mereen with the Harpy attacks apparently bringing the former slave city to its knees. Their latest co-ordinated attacks saw Dany’s fleet and her ticket to Westeros destroyed, engulfed in flame. On the bright side, everyone’s favourite half-man, Tyrion has his banter buddy back to lighten the mood. His playful jab at Vary’s manhood (or rather, lack thereof) was 50 shades of savage, and hopefully serves as a good indicator of more to come from the pair.

Dany’s return to a Khalasar brought with it its own quips. Khal Moro’s dismissing of her titles was an injection of humour I didn’t expect from the Khalasar, and his “among the five best things in life,” gag is sure to be an absolute hive of dank meme. Fortunately for Dany, Dothraki custom states that no man should lie with the widow of a Khal. Apparently the Dothraki have a bro-code. Who knew?

Unfortunately for Dany though, her pleading to be returned to Mereen fell on deaf ears. Instead, she’s been taken to the dosh khaleen – a society of Khal widows that reside in the Dothraki city of Vaes Dothrak.

At King’s Landing, apparently it sucks to be just about anyone aside from the Faith Militant – and they all look like they need a wash.

Margery is still locked up. We learn her brother is still in a pretty bad way. And Cersei just lost another spawn of incest.

I have to admit, watching Cersei’s smile evaporate upon realising the returning boat was bringing back her daughter’s corpse, gave me half a chub. Nothing too weird though, and it quickly dissipated upon her conversation with Jamie. Cue incestous embrace and heavily implied off-screen grief bang.

Back up North, Sansa finally got a win after she and Theon survived their leap from Winterfell’s battlements. The threat of pursuing Ramsey men, and eventual rescue courtesy of Brienne and Pod – the Pussy Wetter, first of his name – was just enough to generate excitement, without putting Sansa through the tired, frying pan, fire, frying pan, fire loop she’s been stuck in since leaving Winterfell.

The scenes in Dorne were just as chaotic, but unfortunately, only half as interesting.

Last seasons most obvious misstep came back around in a big way after two of the characters Season 5 invested a lot of time in building up (Doran and Tristain), were bumped off within five minutes. Not only did it seem rushed, but the scene boasted one of Westeros’ fiercest warriors in Areo Hotah, and his backstabbing felt like a cop out.

In Braavos, Arya’s still blind. Still getting her ass handed to her by the Waif. And still (hopefully), on her quest to take up the mantle of Daredevil.

Not much else happened here, but as discussed, it’s a tough ask re-introducing so many different threads. That said, there were a few threads that could have benefited from a little more screen time – this being one of them – and with the episode coming in at sub-50 minute runtime, it’s difficult to see why at least one of the scenes weren’t extended.

We probably had time for more of a scuffle between the Sand Snakes and Areo, or a follow up to Brienne’s rescue of Sansa, or even another zinger from Tyrion.

That said, The Red Woman was a strong return for Thrones and a good indicator that the show is in capable hands now that it’s over taken the books.

Pro’s:

Did well to get us up to speed with nearly all the main characters

Tyrion made a dick joke

The Red Woman’s boobs

Cons:

Shorter episode – at least one of the scenes could have been a little longer

“You’re a greedy bitch, you know that.” Man, this line was hella cheesy

The Red Woman’s actual boobs

7 out of 10 bloodclarts