The Nostalgics

Illustrations by Todd Detwiler.

Metro was so much better when there were only three lines.

I feel bad for everyone involved all the time, at this point. But Metro is now that cool kid from high school that fell off the deep end — Clinton Yates (@clintonyates) September 22, 2015

Back in the day, you could leave around 5am and beat the #wmata rush hour mess. But these ‘late clearing trackwork’ BS changed that — DC Metro Connection (@DCMConnection) August 12, 2015

Left the DC metro area in ’92. #wmata What happened to you? — Leona Humphries (@Gingersling) August 6, 2015

The Doomsayers

Often it seems like the apocalypse will arrive before the train…

#wmata has 50% of train lines dead today & they are about to take over the “troubled” silver spring thing? Hahaha! Sense of impending doom. — DogsOfSample (@DogsOfSample) August 6, 2015

WMATA Red Line suffering from a mysterious appearance of black oil. Wasn’t that an X-Files plot? http://t.co/Pmj9dsYflU — Rob Pegoraro (@robpegoraro) July 15, 2015

Walking down A street telling people metro is closed. Feels like I’m some mythical harbinger of doom. I need a scythe. — Tim Krepp (@timkrepp) September 21, 2015



The Nihilists

…And sometimes it actually does.

#wmata. People with babies jumping fence at Arlington cemetery. Get us of the platform #dcmetro — Mary (@merrymaryphilli) December 13, 2014

Just saw someone kiss a bible before getting on a @Metrorailinfo train. That’s what it’s come to. #wmata — Jason (@itsJayLa) June 29, 2015

So there’s unexplained oil on the #wmata tracks. Ppl scrubbing. Anyone think to just set it on fire? What’s one more fire at this point?! — . (@vxgxn) July 15, 2015

so @wmata has become actual Hell — Rio (@hellorio) August 7, 2015



The Comedians

These people would be out of material if the trains ran on time.

ZOD: the Phantom Zone can’t hold me forever, Kal-El SUPERMAN: true, but i know a place that can [hands him a WMATA ticket] ZOD: NOOOOOOOO — Matt Ford (@fordm) January 8, 2015

Remember: #WMATA trips are lovingly handcrafted from hope and misplaced tractor parts. They take time because they’re rustic. — Fake Dan Stessel (@fakestessel) August 25, 2015

The Paranoiacs

Metro is out to get these people—personally.

.@wmata DO YOU HATE ME? B/c the time I spend on the red line is quickly becoming the worst part of my day .@unsuckdcmetro — Lexi Thayer (@Thayer_Lexi) June 30, 2015

Convinced that the DC metro is one big social experiment. — Austin Pendergist (@apthirteen) August 6, 2015

The New York Exceptionalists

This would never happen on the F train!

Days like today I miss the New York Subway. Rats live in there. It takes a lot to make you miss the Subway. #WMATA #CommuteFromHell — CJR (@conorjrogers) August 6, 2015

How is it that @wmata a young, small system is worse than much older, larger system @MTA #CONFUSED — Jeron Rhodes (@jjrhodes2009) August 6, 2015

Didn’t think it was possible, but DC metro makes me regret ever talking shit about the MTA. How do ppl live like this? — Madeline Gomez (@madgomez) September 6, 2015

The Wonks

It’s Washington, so there are plenty of people with smarty-pants ideas.

The next GM of @wmata should be required to #metro to and from work minimum 3x a week. Change would happen real quick. #Sarles #Requa — Joseph Kosten (@JMKosten) January 8, 2015

DC (and USA) should focus and invest in improving public transportation. Why? Because what happened today could’ve been avoided. #wmata — Felisa Hsieh (@FelisaHsieh) May 11, 2015

Simple Math Tweet: To properly operate #WMATA you would need a 2000 car fleet to account for 100% 8 car trains every 3 mins & proper maint. — Roger C. Bowles (@Roger_Bowles) April 9, 2015

The Potty-Mouths

Politeness gets you nowhere, so fuck it.

If I tweet how I feel about fuck ass wmata right now, the Feds will pick me up. — Island Goddess (@MyzPrettyInPink) September 25, 2015

What the fuck metro? Not servicing twinbrook or white flint? You realize some people have jobs to get to? Fuck outta here @wmata — Terry Dobbins (@ScenesOfMadness) July 15, 2015

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE SHITTIEST MORNING EVER FUCK @wmata — ⠀ (@bvttyboy) May 11, 2015

The Hacks

Because of course you had to drag politics into it.

New rule. Next time #Republicans in Congress want to slash federal funding for @wmata, they have to ride the metro or a bus for a week. — Kevin M Levy (@KevinMLevy) July 16, 2015

I probably wouldn’t vote for Dr. Ben Carson , but i would vote on him to perform brain surgery on who ever is running the #wmata — Ya Boy Death (@YaBoyDeath) August 7, 2015

Clusterfuck at Foggy Bottom Metro station. Thanks Obama. Thanks #WMATA — Mark Borelli (@NotYaMotha) May 11, 2015

This article appears in our December 2015 issue of Washingtonian.

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