Everyone don’t jump back on the bandwagon at the same time; it won’t be able to handle the weight. After a thrashing by Alabama, USC got back on track with a thrashing of their own, beating a lowly Utah State team 45–7. It wasn’t the Trojans’ best effort, but it was enough to entertain the half capacity crowd on a home opener.

For the third straight year, USC will begin its Pac-12 conference play against Stanford. My hate for the Cardinal has subsided a little bit from last year, mostly because I wrote two articles that can be viewed here and here, right before the Cardinal kicked our asses. It’s demeaning to spend a whole week talking shit only to have it spun back at you when your team gets demolished in the Pac-12 Championship game.

I mean look at the insults Stanford is hurling at us. It’s terrifying.

This week’s match-up will be a litmus test for the Trojans. The last two games haven’t really shown what USC team we are getting this season. A game against Stanford will show whether this team is the Draco Malfoy or Crabbe and Goyle of the Pac 12.

This Week In Drama

Edoga’s ejection

Two ejections in two weeks (at least we are leading the nation in something). USC is definitely trying to attract the Raiders to Los Angeles by mimicking their play. I hope Chuma enjoyed his slap boxing practice, because it may be the only contact he will get on the field for the rest of the year, as he’s been demoted from his starting role.

Sark & Lane in Alabama

In the week that Sark was officially hired onto the staff, Alabama committed its most penalties in three years. The lack of self-control can be contagious.

I really envy Saban. Not for having the best team in college football or being the best coach of his generation, but for having the ability to chew out Lane Kiffin any chance he gets. YOU CALLED A WR SCREEN ON THIRD AND TEN?!

Congratulations are in order for the USC athletic department as Lane Kiffin is finally off the Trojans’ payroll. Only three years after he was fired. Money was spent better at Rothenberg Ventures. Or Clinkle. Or Theranos. Shoutout to Stanford for having all of their alumni trick the public with their terrible ideas and use VC funding like their own personal piggy-bank.

Ray Lewis at the Game

Now the Coliseum has held two alleged (double) murderers (that we know of).

Welcome to the Spin Zone

Stanford Guilty of NCAA Rules Violations

That sound you hear is every Stanford fan falling off their high horse. I guess that prestigious degree isn’t enough to lure recruits to Silicon Valley.

The punishment for these violations should be at least a five year bowl ban. Or the death penalty.

JuJu Overrated

When you’re underrated, people expect you to exceed their expectations. When you’re overrated, anything you do is an accomplishment onto itself. So congratulations to JuJu Smith-Schuster on being named the most overrated player in all of college football by several NFL scouts. It takes a lot of courage to use their anonymity to drive down the draft stock of a potential first round pick. No way are they doing this for their own benefit!

Speaking of JuJu…

Game Recap

The Good

JuJu

Pretty overrated day if you ask me.

JuJu returned to true form this week with a solid stat line and the use of his patented stiff arm. But his stiff arm wasn’t the only lethal thing he did on the field last Saturday…

JuJu’s Big Hit

Going to need to see that at another angle…

This looks a little familiar…

One of the most important rules for a criminal is to never return to the scene of the crime. JuJu obviously has not satisfied his blood lust for embarrassing opposing defenders and had to de-cleat (or de-helmet) a poor Mormon boy from Utah.

Trojan Offense

Our order for offense was as late as my last Postmates order but it finally got delivered. So what did we get?

A couple of touchdowns from Max…

A pair from Sam…

And a leap from Aca’Cedric to top it off…

I am glad the Trojans showed several different ways that they could score, even if it was against a bunch of kids who couldn’t get recruited by Utah and BYU.

Special Teams

What a block by Michael Pittman Jr. The name might sound familiar because he is the son of former NFL running back, Michael Pittman Sr. His father is most known for running behind Mike Alstott on the Super Bowl XXXVII Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Before Pittman Jr., the best product from that team to reach USC was Monte Kiffin’s son. He’s already surpassed a bar lower than the last round of limbo at Simone Biles’ birthday party.

Adoree’ has his first highlight of the year. Mainly because he’s become such a lockdown corner, teams aren’t even bothering looking his way on passing downs. Is the lease on Revis Island up yet? Because I think Adoree’ is ready to move in and plant his flag.

Adoree’s Mother

If you beat breast cancer, you can crash an interview. I’m willing to make that an official rule for all sports (or life in general). Hoping Adoree’ can make each game his mother attends more memorable than the last.

Defense

The new defensive scheme seems to be working well. The run defense held Utah State to less than 50 yards rushing and the pass defense had a pick.

Whoops. Wrong pick.

The Bad

Ronald Jones:

This season, the “Texas Tesla,” has been suffering from a malfunctioning battery. USC will need RoJo to turn off the Autopilot, quit coasting in the carpool lane, and get motoring.

Trojan Knights

This joke needs to die (just like the gorilla).

The Ugly

Coach Helton

With the second suspension in as many weeks, Clay Helton isn’t showing that he’s changed the culture of the program. The team is racking up penalties, blowing through timeouts like they have an expiration date, and our offensive line is showing none of its preseason promise. Coach Helton wanted the team to become a physical, run-first team that will hit people. When he meant hit people, did he mean the referee?

And let’s talk about the potential QB controversy he’s creating for himself. The backup quarterback should normally take a knee; whether it be in victory formation or during the National Anthem. I am a huge fan of using Sam Darnold in certain situations. He can run and add an interesting wrinkle to our offense. But to pull Max Browne entirely just doesn’t seem smart. If he truly is the starter, he needs as many reps as possible before conference play (which being this Saturday).

Maybe Coach Helton is just giving Darnold the reps Browne should have gotten when he was the backup.

Maybe this is a non-issue and just pure speculation.

Game Preview

Offense

Last year we saw what Stanford’s offense could do as they piled up a school record 461 all-purpose yards to defeat the Trojans in the Pac-12 Championship. This year’s team will return with a little less firepower, but will still prove to be a challenge to defend.

One of their big losses was the departure of Kevin Hogan to the island of misfit quarterbacks that is the Cleveland Browns (behind Cody “Checkdown” Kessler on the depth chart). This is actually the first season without Hogan since Snapchat was invented.

Despite my initial analysis on Hogan (I believe I called him a used family car you receive from your parents in high school; nothing spectacular, but it gets the job done), I became bullish of his abilities after he picked apart the Trojan defense twice last season. His stats seem to agree.

During his career at Stanford, Hogan never finished outside the national top 30 in passer rating. He threw for 9,400 yards and 75 touchdowns with a 66 percent completion rate. He also had over 1,000 yards rushing. During his tenure, the Cardinal went 37–10, with four of those losses coming when he was dealing with a leg injury. On an offense built on strength, Hogan was essential to the team’s success.

With Hogan gone, Ryan Burns will have to keep up the lineage of mediocre quarterbacks destined to struggle in the AFC. Also not returning are three two year starters on the offensive line, including Joshua Garnett (voted best lineman in the country). You did not see Garnett on the NFL gridiron this week because he and Jared Goff were in their street clothes watching the abysmal Rams-49ers game on the sidelines. Good news for Trojan fans; no matter how bad this season goes, we still won’t be the worst team hosting their games at the Coliseum.

However, Stanford still has their phenom running back Christian McCaffrey.

Did McCaffrey deserve the Heisman? Well, a general rule is that you aren’t going to get many votes when the majority of the nation is asleep and doesn’t want to watch you pad your stats against Oregon State or Cal. If you don’t believe me, you didn’t watch Arizona State-Texas Tech last Saturday night (congrats on having a social life).

McCaffrey wasn’t the best running back last year and isn’t even the best running back this year. Statistics show that Leonard Fournette and Dalvin Cook averaged more per carry than McCaffrey in 2015. To be the best running back in the nation you have to be the best at…running.

What McCaffrey somewhat lacks in his running ability, he makes up for in his versatility. Last year, McCaffrey averaged 24 rushes per game and led the team in receptions and receiving yards. He was also the primary return man. McCaffrey averaged 14.5 yards per catch, 28.7 yards per kick return, and 8.7 yards per punt return. The return stats aren’t that impressive as they would be the average for anyone who decided to never take a touch back or fair catch.

With the type of performances McCaffrey has had over the years, he must have become the big man on campus, right?

“Postgame, we walk from the locker room, and get our bikes, and bike back to the dorms. You walk into the dorm, and there are people on their computers, doing homework, and you walk into your room and go to bed.” — McCaffrey on living on campus (as the NCAA single-season record holder for all-purpose yards).

College life sounds LIT at Stanford!

In their first game against Kansas State, McCaffrey continued where he left off last year, with 210 all-purpose yards. Despite that, Stanford only managed 70 yards and three first downs in the second half as they held on to beat the Wildcats 26–13.

McCaffrey and company will be facing off against a stout USC defense that has fully embraced Clancy Pendergast’s defensive scheme. Last week USC held Utah State’s rushing attack to 49 yards on 29 attempts. Expect Adoree’ to shadow Christian all game and Porter Gustin to pressure the quarterback and contain any outside rushes from the Wild-Caf. His nickname literally translates to feral baby cow. Very intimidating.

Defense

This year’s Stanford defense will provide a lot of opportunities for the Trojans to succeed.

For the second year in a row, Stanford is suffering from a lack of talent on the defensive line. Of the six linemen that saw the field last year, four are now gone. With a weakened front, USC’s offensive line might finally show us their potential and open up the rushing attack for Justin Davis, Ronald Jones and Aca’Cedric Ware (someone please teach me how to pronounce his first name).

What they lack in depth on the defensive line they make up for in their linebacker corps, with eight returning players that played a significant role last year. If Stanford decides to pressure the quarterback with blitzes, it could lead to trouble as the offensive line has shown a lack of communication and an inability to adjust to an increased pass-rushing attack from their opponent.

Last year’s secondary were all freshman and sophomores. This obviously resulted in a predictable regression in the pass defense. They return a year older, a year wiser, and a year dorkier with less social skills. The Stanford system doesn’t ask for a ton of aggressiveness from the secondary so expect them to be primarily focused on the Trojan receivers. While it will be a tough matchup, it will be hard for any defense (except Alabama) to cover JuJu, Darreus Rodgers, Steven Mitchell and Deontay Burnett effectively for four quarters.

It would be nice to see the deep ball involved early in the game. It has been fairly absent this whole season.

Special Teams

Get a load of this dork. Conrad Ukropina returns as the Cardinal’s placekicker. Last year, he was nearly perfect going 67–67 in PATs and 12–13 in field goals.

Tip for Max Boermester and Chris Tibley: DON’T KICK IT TO MCCAFFREY!

Coach Shaw

The classic “It’s not me, it’s you” move from Coach Shaw. This is like the president of the A/V club telling every cheerleader at school he’s not interested in them right before Prom. Don’t worry David, I’m sure the feeling is mutual.

A high integrity program like Stanford would never accept a recruit with less than above average academic scores. Right?

For clarification, Stanford only accepts students with ACT scores of 31 or above but somehow let this Sun Devil enroll.

“The Farm”

Do you like wandering around hundreds of acres for hours trying to find your friends? Does your perfect tailgate experience involve dropping a pin and describing the trees you are near? Well then I can’t imagine a better pregame than at Stanford.

The good news is this might not be an issue for Trojans because it’s pretty easy to find your friends if you’re the away team; it will be the only tailgates that are actually fun.

Did you know Stanford was able to solve binge drinking?

Smaller bottles?! Why didn’t anyone else think of that?! They have some real brainiacs over there at Stanford.

So when you’re having a beer this Saturday, think about how dangerous drinking can be and grab something smaller. Like a shot.

Fade My Pick (-6.5)

Fade (verb) — To fade means to bet against, particularly when referring to betting against a person. The term is most widely used in the online sports betting context and in that case usually indicates wagering against a particularly unsuccessful bettor.

Basically all my picks are awful and you would be a lot better off if you took the opposite of my advice.

Six of the past ten meetings between the Cardinal and Trojans have been determined on the last play of the game. That’s all you need to know to take USC and the points.

Unless USC is down seven and fails to score a touchdown on the last play.

Prediction

It’s been about ten years since the Stanford had the biggest upset in college football history, defeating the Trojans 24–23 as 41 point underdogs in 2007. Since then, there has been a shift in dominance as the Cardinal have won six games against USC. Stanford has been to six BCS (or CFP) bowls since the Trojans’ last appearance in the Rose Bowl in 2009.

While Stanford has taken our athletic dominance, we seem to be more focused on improving our academics. Who approved this trade? Leave the books to the nerds. I want my football back!

Stanford is known for being disciplined and fundamentally sound. USC? Not so much. A good start to this game would be to avoid any more ejections until at the least the fourth quarter. I hope I’m not asking for the moon with that request.

Last year USC was riding high on championship expectations and a top 10 ranking, and Stanford came into our stadium and knocked our teeth in. This year has a similar feel to it, but only in reverse.

Stanford has had two weeks to prepare, which may not be as much as an advantage as you would think. With only one game under your belt, you really haven’t seen what issues your team has and how to fix them. Hopefully the Trojans do the Cardinal a favor and expose them in a victory.

This game comes down to one factor; stopping Christian McCaffrey. If the defense can contain #5, the Trojans should be able to pull out a victory.

USC 24 Stanford 23

You can follow me on twitter at Sports By Scondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; James, Jef, and Tommy

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Rivals, Scout, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places

Note: I did not acknowledge the Osa Masina situation because it didn’t seem to fit the theme and tone of my articles. It is a very serious situation that doesn’t deserve any satire.