Fear Not, Fellow Democrats — We Still Have Time to Screw Up the Election

It has been a harrowing and emotional week for us Democrats. Out of Super Tuesday emerged two clear frontrunners, both experienced statesmen with visions for restoring America in the aftermath of Trump’s disastrous presidency. Warren, Buttigieg, Klobuchar, and Steyer all ended their campaigns, bringing clarity to a muddled and often confusing field that at one point included twenty-nine candidates. With a unified voice, Democrats rejected Michael Bloomberg and his bid to buy the nomination.

My fellow Democrats, in this, our most desperate hour, we cannot be deterred by the threat of victory. The motto, “Vote Blue, No Matter Who,” looms over us all. That promise to put aside philosophical differences to retake the White House is our most pressing crisis.

But please hear this: If we work together to tear ourselves apart, we can still screw up this election.

As Democrats, our greatest strength lies in alienating people whose views nearly exactly match our own. There is nothing more important than our own incredibly nuanced yet totally inflexible positions. This ensures that the lack of party unity is always everyone else’s fault. So, let us not lose sight of what the primary election season is really for — raking all of our candidates across the coals, exposing all of their weaknesses, and handing ammunition to the Republicans for the general election. Because when the dust settles, and the nominee is chosen, we know every single Democrat will close ranks and vote for that person, as long as that person is the person they like the best.

Remember, every Democratic candidate is unelectable to someone. Heading into November, it’s our solemn duty to point out every reason why the candidate we don’t like is complete shit, even if, in reality, we agree on nearly everything. We must do that all day, every day, across every social media post that even vaguely has anything to do with the election. Forget about the decades of public service our two remaining candidates have performed. If we do our jobs right, when Democrats go to the polls (if we even bother to vote), we will read “Sanders” or “Biden” on the ticket, but we will think “wacko radical Communist” or “senile beige creep.”

We got this.

If this, our sacred task, ever seems too hard — if it ever feels like we don’t have it in us to spread just one more conspiracy theory that strains credulity or to misrepresent one more episode from a candidate’s past to make it seem way worse than it actually was, you have to form a picture in your mind. Imagine thousands upon thousands of Democrats consciously deciding to cast their votes for a third-party candidate who isn’t even on the ballot in all fifty states. Let that sustain you and give you the strength to pull defeat from the jaws of victory.

And on that chilly January morning in 2021, as Donald Trump places his hand on the Bible to again make a mockery of the Oath of Office and to continue his assault on the values that we all pretty much completely agree on, don’t just rest easy. Gloat. Because you told them this would happen, and it’s all their fault.