Portland Police: 'We Wish There Were Some Kind Of Organized, Armed Force That Could Fight Back Against Antifa'

PORTLAND, OR—In a press release earlier this week, Portland police chief Danielle Outlaw (her actual name), appearing somber and exhausted, said she just wishes there were some kind of group with the firepower and authority to fight back against Antifa.

In a candid moment, Outlaw (seriously, her actual name) said there was just nothing the police could do, as they'd need to have some kind of organized, armed force specifically created to protect and serve the people.

"Like, what if we took money from everyone to fund a force that could then defend them in a time of need?" she pondered aloud. "They could have patrol cars, firearms, and attack dogs. Maybe even some tanks. That would be so frickin' rad. They could have a badge to show their authority. Then, when a rogue group like Antifa shows up to take over our city every weekend, they could be repelled using force if necessary."

"I know it sounds crazy, but a girl can dream, right?" she added wistfully.

Sadly, there is no such force in Portland, so citizens have been forced to turn to an even crazier idea: taking responsibility for their own safety and well-being, and maybe even buying a gun to protect themselves.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here

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