While I disagree with the church’s position on same-sex marriage, I don’t think it’s fair to assume that those who hold that position are simply evil homophobes bent on ruining the lives of gay people. My observation is that this opposition largely comes not from a particular animosity toward gay people—though that certainly may play a role at times—but from the fact that the contemporary church heavily emphasizes obedience and the importance of following the prophet. For Latter-day Saints who equate faithfulness with a willingness to strictly comply with the instructions of General Authorities, the question of same-sex marriage is simply not up for debate.

When it comes to discussion of this issue, I see two extremes. On the one hand are those who see opposition to same-sex marriage simply in terms of upholding the importance of traditional marriage, and who are baffled when gay people frame this in terms of rejection and oppression. People in this camp often emphasize that they have gay friends, and perhaps even declare their love for gay people—but they do not seriously grapple with the implications of their position. On the other side are those who see opposition to same-sex marriage as nothing but bigotry and homophobia, as coming from self-righteous people who are attempting to impose their values on others. One has only to scan online comments to see people clashing as a result of this disconnect.

In thinking about this, I am reminded of theories of cognitive dissonance. If you treat people badly, or put them in a subordinate position, or deny them full humanity, this will result in a sense of dissonance, if you also hold the view that you are a moral human being. How might you handle this? A common solution is to adopt the belief that the people in question somehow deserve to be in their situation. Another way to resolve the problem is to define these people as somehow “other,” as being qualitatively different from you in their needs and experience. Thus men who enjoy positions of privilege, for example, might not question the subordination of women because they cannot imagine that women are really beings like themselves. They themselves would dislike being in such a position, they might see, but they assume that it is different for women, because women are different.

Gay people, I think, already get seen as other by the heterosexual majority in that it is challenging to imagine having a sexual orientation other than your own—it is easier to dismiss it as wrong or unnatural. And when gay people are denied the right to marry, or asked to commit to a life of celibacy, this both draws on and reinforces this sense of otherness. I see this dynamic at work when I hear straight people admit that they themselves would not be able to tolerate such a state of affairs, but they nonetheless hold it up as the correct path for their gay sisters and brothers.

This is why, I believe, that those who see opposition to same-sex marriage as nothing more than a benign upholding of traditional marriage, and not something that gay people should take personally, are missing the implications of their view. In holding it, people are not just making a positive claim: traditional marriage is good; they are also making a negative one: same-sex marriage is bad. This is the crux of the matter: I am not sure how possible it is to say that gay marriage is wrong without at the same time saying that in some way gay people are wrong, that at the very least, if they act in accordance with deeply held desires—desires which are seen by the church as fundamental to what it is to be human—it will negatively impact society. And this of course gets spiced up by rhetoric about how same-sex marriage is a sign of the evil of the last days, and that the church is a beacon of goodness opposing this evil. If a gay person hears this message over and over, it is not a leap to conclude that she herself is evil—a message to which youth are particularly vulnerable.

I have on several occasions seen Latter-day Saints baffled by the reaction of many gay people to their position. We’re not out to do you harm, they say. We’re just protecting society. But that leaves gays classified as those from whom civilization needs to be protected—an unenviable position.

That said, I do not think it is fair to label everything that gay-marriage-opposing Mormons say on the subject as hate speech or gay-bashing. I think this move dilutes the meaning of the terms, and it does not describe the feelings or actions of the vast majority of Latter-day Saints with whom I am acquainted. I personally appreciate the steps the church has made, and the shift from the language of abomination to statements that encourage people to be loving. While I have run into fanatics, I also know people who disagree with me on this issue and yet genuinely care about and respect me as a person, who do not judge me for being gay. I would be impoverished if I lost all my relationships with people who see this differently than I do.

And yet, I can’t deny that when someone tells me they are against same-sex marriage, my first reaction is to feel a little bit rejected. Because they are telling me that as much as they may care about me, they think I should be denied certain opportunities solely on the basis of my sexual orientation. And while in many cases I really do think I understand where they are coming from, it still stings. Those who hold this position, I think, need to at the very least own the fact that they are advocating for something that—as important as they may see it as being for the good of society—has a negative impact on gays, and not hide behind the assertion that they hold gay people no ill will. I have a much easier time listening to someone who disagrees with me if I hear some acknowledgment of the very real difficulties caused by their position.

So—is it possible to oppose same-sex marriage while genuinely respecting gay people, seeing them as full human beings? I want to say yes because, as I’ve said, I know people who oppose gay marriage yet clearly do not see me as lesser. I want to say yes because I do not want to assume that every single person who opposes gay marriage suffers from an inability to see gays as real people. At the same time, I want to say no because it seems to me that the position inevitably requires at least some willingness to sacrifice the needs of gay people, and I can’t help noticing how often it is intertwined with a sense of gays as other. In the end, I’m not sure what to think.