'We have a heap of love to give': One couple's decision to adopt a baby boy with Down syndrome

Updated

When mother-of-five Emma was browsing Facebook last year, she came across a post that she knew would change her family's life forever.

It was a photo of a baby named Daniel*.

The 15-month-old boy with Down syndrome had been put up for adoption after birth, and had spent his entire life in foster care.

Adoption agency CatholicCare was having trouble finding a suitable home.

So it called on a community of parents through Down syndrome Victoria.

Emma and Peter were a member of the group, because their 12-year-old son Ethan has Down syndrome.

They had always talked about having another child.

Could this be the one?

Giving birth to Ethan

Back-track 13 years.

Emma was in hospital in country Victoria having an emergency caesarean.

The couple already had four children - three from previous relationships.

Before their new baby boy was born, they had a hunch something was wrong.

"I had a scan just before Ethan was delivered and I knew that something wasn't right. We were in there for nearly 45 minutes," Emma says.

"I kept saying 'just tell me I know something's different'. I said to the GP, 'just tell me what it is, whatever it is we can handle it'."

It wasn't until 24 hours later that they were told Ethan had Down syndrome.

"When he told me we were just relieved more than anything because it wasn't as bad as I had imagined," she says.

"A friend of mine growing up had a sister with Down syndrome, and it's never been an issue in my life, they were just people and everybody's different."

While Ethan has a heart defect, common in children with the condition, as well as some intellectual delays, the couple say their teenage son has a great quality of life and they encourage him to try everything.

"Being 13, some of his understanding is still at that 9 or 10 year old level. But his sense of humour hasn't been delayed or diminished.

"He's gorgeous. We love him to bits.

"It's not something that we expected to be a part of our lives, but it is a big part of our lives and I guess for all of us, we wouldn't be who we are today without Ethan in our lives.

"I couldn't imagine him any differently."

Despite having a full home, their little family was not yet complete.

"We've never had a truckload of money. But we have a heap of love," Emma says.

Adopting Daniel

Emma and Peter had both always dreamed of having a big family, and had been talking about foster care and adoption.

That was something many of their friends and family didn't understand.

Why, as they're approaching 'freedom', would they want to take on a small child that was fully dependent?

A couple of Peter's mates have said 'I couldn't do it, they're not mine'.

"There are so many kids that need a home and we've got lots of love to give, I know we have," Peter says.

"Most of our happier times have been when we have had very little, because you just make the most of what you've got," Emma says.

When Daniel popped up on social media, something immediately felt right about it.

So the couple began the gruelling process to adopt.

What we would say to someone considering adopting Make sure you know who you are, consider where you are in your life and relationship

You have to be able to talk all of your fears and concerns through with your family

Consider whether or not you're willing to take on everything that comes with the child

Be patient, it may take a while to establish a bond and trust

Use all of the supports available, don't suffer in silence

Yes it can be hard, but the rewards are unbelievable

It was different from the usual adoption process, where people register and are notified when a child becomes available.

In this case, Daniel was ready and waiting and they would be applying specifically for him.

Over seven months they completed in-depth paper work about their lives.

During gruelling interviews they had to face their greatest weaknesses and recount some of their lowest lows, including the death of Peter's daughter Natalie six years ago.

"That still hurts," Peter says.

"But you have to get on with life."

One of their biggest considerations was how bringing another child into their humble home might affect their existing family.

"We spoke about it again and again. And again. I asked 'can we cope?'," Peter says.

"We knew we had room in our lives for more children," Emma says.

"When Giesel called us and gave us the news, the elation from me was like being told I was pregnant again. It was overwhelming, that love, it was just amazing."

In the small amount of time Daniel has been there, he has become a part of the family, a family that extends far beyond biological make-up and social stereotypes.

"You watch all the boys and it's like he's been here from day one," Peter says.

"I feel like he is my child," Emma says.

"I loved this little child before I even set eyes on him."

As with their other boy Ethan, they don't see Daniel's condition as a disability.

"As far as what he is going to be able to achieve, there are no limits," Emma says.

"We talk to Ethan now like we talk to any of the other kids. He talks about getting a job, moving out of home, getting a car license. That may not be achievable but we'll work on it.

"He wants that independence and we want him to have that.

"We'll just do what we've done for all the other kids - we'll follow his lead, and whatever he needs we try and pre-empt it and make sure that he's got the best start that we can give him."

In 2014-2015, a total of 56 local adoptions were finalised across the country.

Of those, 24 were in Victoria, where all adoptions are open.

That means one day, Daniel's birth parents may decide they want to make contact, or exchange information.

When Emma and Peter registered to adopt Daniel, they knew they were signing up to take him, along with everything that comes with him, so that's something that they're not only prepared for, but welcome.

"If the day comes we'll deal with that when it happens. Why wouldn't we want to share this beautiful little man?," Emma says.

"We don't question their choice. We just feel so blessed he has come to us."

We have more room in our family

"I'd like one more child," Peter says.

"We know we've got enough room and enough love in our family - we'd take any child."

When asked whether they would consider adopting another child who has Down syndrome: "I would love it to be. Any child needs love, care and patience," Emma says.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Topics: adoption, family-and-children, disabilities, children---toddlers, vic

First posted