My wife recently put me in the doghouse.

I… really would rather not tell the story of how I got there. Well, I said something pretty dumb. Then I got defensive. Then she got mad. Then I got sent to the doghouse.

The doghouse is a metaphorical image of a man really screwing things up with his partner because he did something flat-out wrong.

We’re talking about a guy who genuinely did something wrong, unethical, or just plain stupid, and his significant other called him on it.

Fortunately, there is a lot you can do to get out of the doghouse. These six steps can successfully bring you back to marital peace. These steps were recently battle-tested by me, so I can vouch for their effectiveness.

So, let’s be clear here: the following is if you are in any of the following scenarios.

You genuinely screwed up. You decided to die on a hill not worth fighting for. Also known as making a mountain out of a molehill. All her friends and family think you screwed up, even if you think you were right. There’s simply no fighting against a consensus opinion.

Basically, you have decided that it is up to you to make the peace.

And you were definitely wrong. So there really isn’t any purpose towards finding a compromise—she was right, and you were wrong, so the only thing left is to patch things up.

So, here’s six steps to get yourself out of the doghouse. And to be happy. And to make the rest of your family happy.

Here’s the catch: it’s a two day journey back.

Here’s another catch: it requires work.

So, strap in and enjoy the ride!

#1: Don’t make things worse.

Well, no kidding, right? Definitely don’t make things worse.

There are lots of ways you can make things worse than they already are. So, please do NOT do the following:

Do NOT defend what you did as right.

Do NOT get the kids involved. This is a huge, huge no-no. Seriously unethical to do this!

Do NOT do nothing.

It is perfectly alright to say sorry at this point. But keep it to a single apology at this point. No need to endlessly grovel, which is actually counterproductive (this is covered in step #3).

No matter what you do, do not make the situation worse than it already is. Your emotions are probably getting hit by the fight-or-flight response when you are on skid row. The best thing to do is to not cave into those emotions. Master your feelings and do the rational thing.

Which is essentially the next five steps.

#2: Do chores, errands, anything to make her life way easier.

Have your angry beloved one take it easy. Do way more chores than you usually do.

When I was recently in the pits, I made breakfast, lunch, and dinner, did all the dishes, AND folded the laundry (I really hate folding!)

The idea here is to reduce any frustration triggers for your partner. It also symbolizes that you are willing to work at finding your way to a peaceful settlement.

#3: Don’t be a doormat.

During your journey back to marital peace, above all else do not act like a doormat.

This is what a doormat looks like:

Groveling for forgiveness.

Walking around with a submissive posture.

Saying sorry every two seconds.

Having no self-respect.

Doormats are not respected by any human being. If you act like a doormat then no one will respect you, least of all your wife.

Doormats are irritating. You don’t want to be an irritant. So, don’t act like a doormat.

This advice may seem to conflict with step #2 (i.e. do all chores), but it doesn’t as long as you maintain your dignity, keep your back straight, and shoulders back.

Remember: the purpose of doing all the chores is to reduce stress for your significant other, NOT to act in a submissive manner.

It is eminently possible to take on more household work while still acting strong. So do both.

#4: Select food that makes her happy.

This might be seen as bribery. It actually isn’t (for real, it isn’t!) This is how I see it.

Good food generally makes people happy. It also reduces stress. It induces a satisfying feeling.

Good food has the effect of giving your wife a hit of happiness at a time when she’s pretty mad at you.

Good food has the effect of calming everyone down by somewhat artificial means. That’s why couples just starting to date go out for food. That’s why bickering families go out for food. Eating good food is a way to make time together more happy.

And that’s just fine to do when your wife is pissed off at you. You have to eat. Make things better by cooking or buying her favorite things for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

#5: Give it time. Two days to be exact.

This is going to take time. Do Steps #1-#4 for at least two days solid.

#6: After a couple of days, go out on a date.

Hire a babysitter for a date out with your honey.

Take her shopping at her favorite mall. Go somewhere nice to eat. Hold her hand while walking. Pretend you are boyfriend and girlfriend again.

Make your wife feel happy. This ought to bring about an armistice to your conflict.

Say something to close the chapter. Something like, “I am glad that we are not fighting anymore.” You can even say, “I’m sorry” at this point, because by now it has been earned and is backed up by meaning.

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Reconciling with a partner is an important skill for anyone who is in a committed relationship. It’s work. But if you’re committed to the work, and you are patient, you can dig yourself out of a hole with the six step program in this post.

Your friend,

-Anthony