When it comes to Schitt's Creek, there is no shortage of Easter Eggs for fans latch onto. Obviously, fans love Moira Rose's wig collection. There are inside jokes about the town and a strange C-plot about Bob the mechanic's love life. But in all of that hilarity, one running gag that always delivers is the casual references that Alexis Rose makes to her life, before moving into the Rosebud Motel in Schitt's Creek.

The series is currently in its final season, coming to a close just as it's reaching its apex of critical acclaim. But for those who are already dreading the finale of the series, we have found a solution. Give Alexis Rose a prequel series, you cowards. I re-watched the series and cataloged every single one of Alexis's nonchalant references to her former life. If Daniel and Eugene Levy wanted a bankable spinoff, they have plenty of material—2,007 words of material to be exact.

As you celebrate the final season, please find an exhaustive list of every moment that Alexis Rose mentioned her wild past. Did she play billiards to free her friend from a Ugandan diamond smuggler? Absolutely. Did she have a lock of hair to get into Kiss Kiss? You bet. Here are all her misadventures, for your consideration.



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SEASON ONE

Episode One, Our Cup Runneth Over: When Alexis and Stavros Broke Up

“As if I didn’t see this coming. He’s broken up with me five times already. Like there was that time that he never met me in Rio. And remember that time when he gave me his ex-wife’s engagement ring? And then there was that time last summer when he left his molly in my glove compartment and then I got arrested.”

Episode Three, It’s His Sister: When Alexis Name Dropped Gwyneth

“Yeah, no. I know composting. Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.”

Steve Wilkie/POP TV

Episode Four, Bad Parents: When Alexis Git a DUI

“I drove into the Prada store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look like the entrance to a parking garage. And I was high at the time.”

Episode Four, Bad Parents: When Alexis Played Two Truths and a Lie

“My eyes are brown. I’m basically sample-size. And one time, I escaped from a Thai drug lord’s car trunk by bribing him with sex. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money!”

Episode Six, Wine and Roses, When Alexis Was Last Selfish

David: "Dubai, 2010. I had to pick you up from that blind date that went terribly wrong. It was a total disaster."

Episode Seven, Turkey Shoot: When Alexis Dated DiCaprio

“I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine.”

Episode Eleven, Little Sister: When Alexis Tried to Be Musical, Pt. 1

“Honestly, Twy? Ix-nay on the ong-say because I tried it once and the guy ripped the guitar out of my hands and he just started smashing it on the ground. Granted I am tone deaf and he was a super angry marine. But…”

Episode Eleven, Little Sister: When Alexis Broke a Record

“So this is weird. Today marks the longest relationship I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone. Yeah, the actual longest relationship was a three month affair with a Saudi prince, but for the last two months of that I was trapped in his palace trying to get to an embassy.”

SEASON TWO

Episode One, Finding David: When Alexis Met Somali Pirates

“Oh my God. Ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week and nobody answered my texts?”

Episode One, Finding David: When Alexis Wasn’t Technically Missing

“I didn’t go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.”

Episode Four, Estate Sale: When Alexis Had a Lock of Human Hair

“Like, have you ever had to negotiate in Arabic? It’s very difficult. And try getting into Kiss Kiss in Tokyo without a lock of human hair.”

Steve Wilkie/POP TV

Episode Five, Bob’s Bagels: When Alexis Offered an Opinion on a Sweater

“I mean, I like it because Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like it like it.”

Episode Six, Moira vs. Town Council: When Alexis Was an LGBTQ Ally

“I was a beard for a very well-known actor, and I get it. It’s uncomfortable.”

Episode Eight, Milk Money: When Alexis’ Friend Got His Milk Taken

“I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his whole compound was raided. He also sold drugs.”

Episode Eight, Milk Money: When Alexis Navigated Road Rules

“It’s just a checkpoint. I’ve been through tons of these in Johannesburg. It’s like a drive through, except everyone has a gun. I remember. I had just gotten my braces off.”

Episode Ten, Ronnie’s Party: When Alexis Had Her First Job

Alexis: "I was very hands on David. I came up with all the flavors by myself."

David: "Even the one that poisoned all those people?"

Alexis: "David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us it was lead free."

Episode Ten, Ronnie’s Party: When Alexis Dated a Sultan’s Nephew

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned, when it comes to love, you can’t let the little things get in your way. Like I once dated this Sultan’s nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even look at me, and we made it work for like, half a regime change.”

Episode Twelve, Lawn Signs: When Alexis Spent New Years in South Korea

“Um, I’m sorry, were you picked up by the South Korean police on New Years? I had to sweet talk the consulate’s lawyer to get me a passport by midnight.”

SEASON THREE

Episode Six: When Alexis Blew Off High School for Beyonce

“I can’t go to college yet because I didn’t finish high school. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should have taken that semester off, but I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode Seven, General Store: When Alexis Started Finishing High School

“So as Jocelyn said, my name is Alexis. Yes, I did not finish high school. It’s this long boring story involving a yacht and a famous soccer player, and like, a ton of mushrooms. Anyway, I think it would be so great if we could just go around the room and everybody tell me, like, five things about yourself.”

Ken Woroner/POP TV

Episode Seven, General Store: When Alexis Knew About Marie Antoinette

“It’s just that she never said ‘Let them eat cake.’ I asked Kirsten Dunst who played her in the movie. That line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it, and um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs. My friends used to call me Marie, but that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, ‘Is she going to be a princess thing?’ but it was also because we were going through this dark phase where we were just… partying too hard.”

Episode Eleven, Stop Saying Lice: When Alexis Had Lice

“That reminds me of when I was in Bangkok. There was this amazing little resto-lounge that specializes in Tahitian food and scalp massages.”

Episode Twelve, Friends and Family: When Alexis Made a Clarification

“I wasn’t in rehab. I was at rehab visiting Stavros.”

SEASON FOUR

Episode Three, Asbestos Fest: What Alexis Shoplifted in the Hamptons

“One takes the back left corner. One takes the right. One asks you if you have those wool hoodies in a different size. The other one compliments you on your cuticle game, and while you’re laughing that up, the two in the back are filling their bags with facial cleanser. It’s the exact same move I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.”

Episode Seven, The Barbecue: When Alexis Banged Zac Efron

“I used to text Zac Efron just like, for a booty call. Poor thing would be pressing the buzzer before I even hit send.”

Episode Eight, The Jazzaguy: When Alexis Dated Hanson

David: "I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers."

Alexis: "This is different. Now I don’t need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards."

POP TV

Episode Eight, The Jazzaguy: When Alexis Learned to Play Pool

“You learn pretty quickly when you’re in a Ugandan diamond smuggler’s villa, playing for your friend’s freedom.”

Episode Thirteen, Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose: When Alexis Went to a Cookie Swap, Kind Of

“So cute. I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once, but instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents’ medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.”

Episode Thirteen, Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose: When Alexis Left the Christmas Party

Moira: "That ship set sail hours ago. Literally. Alexis and Stavros are on his father’s yacht by now, off to Cadbury."

SEASON FIVE

Episode Tw, Love Letters: When Alexis Was Told She Can’t Run in Heels

“Tell that to me at 21, escaping the Yakuza.”

Episode Two, Love Letters: When Alexis Swapped Diamonds With Her Friends

“So, way back when, all of my girlfriends and I used to throw the diamonds we got from our parents on a table and just do, like, a big jewelry swap. I wish I had someone in this town to swap with.”

Episode Two, Love Letters: When Alexis Got Something From a Jewelry Swap

“I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller, and by that, I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party and I kept it.”

Episode Three, The Plant: When Alexis Made Side Money

“I was once paid to talk up Heart Blaster Energy Drink at a Third Eye Blind concert.”

Episode Three, The Plant: When Alexis is Responding to David and Patrick “Just” Checking Out an Apartment

“Yeah, and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

Episode Four, The Dress: When Alexis Revealed Her Flying Prowess

“I once passed off a mini horse and three guinea pigs as service animals, so anything is possible.”

Brendan Adam-Zwelling/POP TV

Episode Five, Housewarming: When Alexis Had a Friend Who Dated Hugh Hefner

"My best friend Summer used to date Hef in high school, which isn’t as weird as it sounds ‘cause he was like, a very young 77."

Episode Six, Rock On!: When Alexis Would Let Her Boyfriend Date Other Women

“Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who isn't a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna… What are the GRs? The ground rules? This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather bound binder full of them.”

Episode Seven, A Whisper of Desire: When Alexis Saw Vin Diesel Naked and Crying

Ted: "That was fun, but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying?"

Alexis: "OK, fine, but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure."

Episode Eight, The Hospies: When Johnny Remembers Supporting Alexis’ Dreams

Johnny: “I mean, we did spend all that money flying in Barbra Streisand’s vocal coach that summer that Alexis wanted to be the next Jessica Simpson.”

Episode Eight, The Hospies: When Alexis Had a Reality Show

“The producers of A Little Bit Alexis insisted that I take acting classes after we started shooting so…”

Episode Eight, The Hospies: When Alexis Auditioned for Cabaret

“Hello, my name is Alexis Rose represented by Alexis Rose Talent. I have chosen to perform the title track off of my critically reviewed, limited reality series, A Little Bit Alexis. Feel free to sing along if you know the words.”

Episode Nine, The MVP: When Alexis Was a Pussycat Doll

“Yeah, um, I was one of the original Pussycat Dolls, but it only lasted two weeks because apparently I’m ‘too pretty.’ But you just need to chill. If this is anything like my first afternoon with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple hours of Kegels and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.”

Episode Eleven, Meet the Parents: When Alexis Went to the Playboy Mansion

Alexis: "You took me to the Playboy mansion when I was seven."

Moira: "And you had a wonderful time in the children’s grotto!"

POP TV

Episode Twelve, The Roast: When Alexis is Unimpressed with Miami

“Okay, I’ve just been to Miami so many times, and trust me, the wildlife is not as sexy up close.”

Episode Twelve, The Roast: When Alexis Had a Long Distance Relationship

“I once maintained a semi-successful text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was filming Pearl Harbor.”

Episode Twelve, The Roast: When Alexis Defends Getting a Back Tattoo Saying “That’s Hot” in Cantonese While in Hong Kong

“I was twelve years old!”

Episode Thirteen, The Hike: When Alexis Was Best Dressed

“Oh my god, Turkish Cosmo once included my photo in their list of world’s best sarongs, so let’s just say that I know my way around a beach.”

05.13, The Hike: When Alexis is Worried About Going to the Galapagos Islands

“I’ve been traveling the world since I was a teen model, but something about this feels different.”

Justin Kirkland Justin Kirkland is a writer for Esquire, where he focuses on entertainment, television, and pop culture.

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