The Seven Most Annoying Grindr Guys And Two Who Might Change Your Life

Love it or hate it, chances are you’ve had Grindr in your pocket at some point (even if you do delete and re-download it every two months). That means you’ve probably encountered more than a few of these nine guys.

You’ve been talking to this guy on-and-off for months. He’s cute, funny, personable and has thoroughly charmed your socks off. You’re ready for him to charm something else off. Just when you think Grindr is pretty great after all, you try to take it to the next level and set up a 3-D encounter.

He’ll vanish without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeroes to haunt another corner of the digital universe.

This guy doesn’t quite understand the line between personal preference and deuchey offensiveness. He’ll say things in his profile like “no blacks or Asians” or “into white only,” often with major spelling and grammatical errors. There is no level of physical attractiveness that will ever make this guy appealing.

We wish he’d just go ahead and drop his phone in a toilet.

The Bro is totally masculine (gag). He was most likely a closet case fraternity member in college. And he isn’t interested in femme guys, or else he’d be dating a girl (double gag). He’ll tell you he’s “str8 acting,” “masc4masc” or “muscle4muscle.” And he’ll use really big words. Like “sup,” “chillin'” and “looking.”

He’ll also tell you he’s a top — a story he’ll stick to right up until he begs you to fuck him.

Caution goes to the wind if you decide to interact with this sexual Evel Knievel. His opening line will assuredly be something poetic like “wanna fuck me bareback?” or “do you parTy?” And cunning linguistics isn’t the only thing he’s good at. There’s no sexual act, kink or fantasy you can throw his way that will freak him out, so if there’s something you’ve been dying to try but feel too embarrassed with most guys, go for it. We’re not going to judge.

Just please use caution (and protection). Though he’ll also probably tell you he’s negative if you ask him (and you should), take anything his says with a giant grain of salt.

This medical anomaly has the scientific community completely baffled. While all signs indicate that the torso is in fact a human life form — it displays human-like emotions, responds to written cues and appears to be sentient — the stark absence of a face or brain is worrisome to say the least. When you request further proof of authentic human identity, often times a photo comes back of a different body part entirely.

Jury’s still out on this one.

Maybe you were busy the last six times he’s messaged you. Maybe Grindr has been eating up all his attempts at reaching you. Or maybe he’s just high on TGIF (T, G, It’s Friday). Whatever the reason, the hard worker refuses to let a little thing like you ignoring him get in the way of the fact that you two are meant to be. He’ll keep at it with remarkable resolve — a work ethic we hope has gotten him farther in life than it has in dating.

Until you block him, he will never take the hint.

Don’t mistake the invisible man for the ghost, who at least has the decency to let you know what he looks like. The invisible man is just a blank space. An identity vacuum. Yet he still feels it’s appropriate to message you with all sorts of creative propositions. We have to wonder what his track record is since we truly can’t imagine anyone going along for a meet-up.

You can ask for a photo, but taking a nod from the torso, chances are it won’t be of his face.

Grindr was made for the visitor (and you when you find him). This guy is only in town for six days, and before he goes back to Australia or Chicago or who cares, he wants to meet some “cool people.” 98 percent of the time this means sex. But the great thing about jumping into the sheets with this nomad is the absolute lack of expectation. There will be no awkward run-ins at the grocery store, no hurt feelings and absolutely no conversations that include the question “so where do we go from here?”

That’s not to say you’ll never see him again.

You’re going to need a tour guide when you’re off on a global adventure of your own (not to mention a bed to stay in).

Just because he’s rare doesn’t mean he’s impossible (just extraordinarily unlikely). Someone’s gotta win the lottery, after all. This is the guy you click with immediately, who admittedly too soon you say “here’s my number, txt me it’s easier.” This goes on for a few days until a phone call is introduced into the mix. An actual voice, and he doesn’t sound like he wants to rob you! You decide to meet up and he suggests a cool, mostly straight bar (first dates at gay bars can never spell lasting success). In person you find him even more handsome than the photos, and the two of you fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

You’ll lie to your children about where you met.