All Bow to the King of Condiments

Apologies that I haven’t contributed anything of substance lately but I’ve been locked deep inside the ES Test Kitchens trying to perfect the ultimate food condiment and I think that all of my hard work has FINALLY paid off! If you’ve ever had the great fortune to eat off of one of those big city food trucks that specializes in middle-eastern chicken and rice dishes served on top of fresh Halal bread, then you know what I’m talking about; the magical secret all-purpose white sauce! It’s that gunk that makes everything it’s squirted on taste better. From waterlogged hot dogs to fusion tacos to simple soups and chili, this stuff is so good it would make a corpse edible. (That’s just conjecture on my part and it has nothing to do with my research!)

After countless variations and taste comparisons I think that I’ve finally hit the perfect combination of ingredients that make what I refer to as my ‘Valhalla Sauce’. I call it that because this stuff is so good only the Gods previously knew how to make it. And also because ‘Valhalla Sauce’ sounds a lot better than ‘Angel Jizz’.

Katt’s Valhalla Sauce

Ingredients:

1 cup of mayo

2 Tbsp. of prepared horseradish

½ tsp. salt

½ tsp. cracked black pepper

1 Tbsp. lemon juice

¼ cup of white vinegar

1 cup of Ranch dressing

1/3 cup of plain Greek yogurt

1/3 cup of sour cream

2 Tbsp. white sugar

3 tsp. dry dill weed

Now even though this is MY perfect white sauce, might I suggest that you use this as a starter to perfect your own version. I bought a six-pack of those plastic squeeze bottles and this recipe makes enough to fill two and a half. When you’re making this recipe combine all of the ingredients except the last two. Then, equally divide what you’ve made and separate it into two bowls. Add one tablespoon of the sugar and one and a half teaspoon of the dry dill weed to the first bowl. That will represent this recipe. Some of you will prefer sweeter and less dill while others may prefer the opposite. This is an easy way to find out. If the first bowl is too sweet, add less to the second bowl. Don’t like dill, use parsley. If the sauce is too thick, add some water. Too thin, more mayo, etc. Personally, I use a lot more horseradish, dill and pepper than what I have here but I just add it to one squirt bottle after I’ve made the others and I label it for my use only. The first ten ingredients are the key to this recipe. Once perfected, welcome to Valhalla!

The King’s close-up!