1. The "fruit" is a mystery.

The traditional recipe calls for chopped, candied fruit and dried fruit—plus nuts and spices—but looking at it there's no way to tell what the hell they are. Chunks of neon green and florescent red "fruit" are hardly appealing.

2 . It's a total waste of calories.

You get all the sugar, fat, and calories of cake but none of the "that was so worth it!" amazing taste. Let's do everyone a favor and stick to double chocolate, gingerbread, and shortbread.

3. Even booze can't save it.

If you soak yours in spirits, that still doesn't make it taste or look any better. Typically boozy desserts are to die for, but this is the exception to the rule.

4. It's a glorified brick.

This thing is worse than a pound cake when it comes to density. Sweet bread is not meant to be this horribly heavy, and the idea of it weighing down your belly after a full holiday dinner is grotesque.

5. A loaf lasts way too long.

The shelf life of this thing is doubly suspect. When you bake and slice a dessert over two decades ago and can still eat it, you should be very suspicious (and never want to consume it).

6. Fruitcake isn't even taken seriously anymore.

Some of you are probably reading this wondering, Why does this list exist? Doesn't everyone already unanimously agree? Who even serves this anymore? Well, I asked myself the same question but quickly realized that some people aren't up to speed on just how outdated and bad-tasting fruitcake really is. Virtually the only people eating it nowadays are British royalty and great grandmas who can't even taste it anyway.

7. It's best used in fruitcake tosses.

If catapults have been built for the sole purpose of hurling fruitcakes across a vast field, then that's all this dessert is good for. End of story.

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