Those who know me well are aware that I’ve been going on about this for years, but for some reason I’ve only just now remembered that I have my own website and can carry on the effort here.

Folks, there are a few drinking holidays here in the United States, but I’m here to tell you that none of them are as important as the new celebration I’m proposing for this great country of ours. Allow me to start from the beginning:

Saint Patrick’s Day



Saint Patrick’s Day (March 17th), a national holiday in Ireland, is a feast day that commemorates Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland. It was brought to the United States by Irish immigrants and is now celebrated by Irish and non-Irish alike. Cities with large Irish populations host huge celebrations with parades, where scores of drunken fraternities swallow huge amounts of Guinness Stout, Jameson Irish Whiskey, Bailey’s Irish Cream, and Mickey’s Malt Liquor. Sometimes corned beef is eaten.

Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) is a Mexican holiday that celebrates the the victory of Mexican troops over the French occupational army in the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862. It has been adopted as a commercialized drinking holiday by the United States, where people flock to chain Mexican restaurants to gulp down huge quantities blended margaritas, shots of Jose Cuervo tequila and bottles of Corona beer. Chips and salsa are served.

Halloween

Halloween (October 31st) began as a Celtic Pagan festival, named as the evening (e’en) before All Hallow’s Day on November 1st. Halloween wasn’t widely celebrated in the United States until the middle of the 20th century, and is now the sixth most profitable holiday for retailers. It is celebrated by this country’s drinking-age population in the form of dressing up in very slutty costumes and consuming large amounts of alcohol. Any kind. Dry ice is often involved.

Repeal Day

Repeal Day (December 5th) is not celebrated by anyone in this country, yet it is the only day which truly has any connection with alcohol. December 5th is the anniversary of the day the United States repealed the Eighteenth Amendment and gave us all the constitutional right to consume alcohol. I’ve been celebrating Repeal Day for years by forcing this information down the throats of my customers, and now I’m forcing it on you. Here are a few reasons why I think Repeal Day should be a major drinking holiday in the United States:

We have the constitutional right to do so. How many forms of pleasure are guaranteed by the Constitution? None, unless you’re one of those who get an inflated sense of ego from holding a firearm or speaking in public. Me, I’m going to stick with alcohol. It’s at the right time. Conveniently located about halfway between Thanksgiving and Christmas, at a time when we’re probably not with our families, the Fifth of December represents a great time to get together with friends and celebrate our constitutional rights. Repeal Day doesn’t exclude. Are you an American, or are you located in the United States? Congratulations, you’re invited to join our party! Sorry, gay leprechauns, but Saint Patrick’s Day is off limits. Being French on Cinco de Mayo is about as cool as being British on the Fourth of July. But December Fifth is a day that’s open to anyone! It’s easy! There are no outfits to buy, costumes to rent, rivers to dye green. Simply celebrate the day by stopping by your local bar, tavern, saloon, winery, distillery, or brewhouse and having a drink. Pick up a six-pack on your way home from work. Split a bottle of wine with a loved one. Buy a shot for a stranger. Just do it because you can.

Thanks for reading about what I hope will become a more widely-celebrated day in this country. Please help spread the word about Repeal Day, and tell a friend. Cheers!