Florida Tea Party: Jesus Hates Manatees

Manatee brothers UNITE!

Manatees are gentle and generally slow-moving. Most of their time is spent eating vegetation (100-150 lbs. per day), resting and traveling. On average manatees can travel about 40 to 50 miles a day, sometimes farther. Chessie, the famed manatee rescued from the cold waters of the Chesapeake Bay and returned to Florida, was tagged with a locating device which showed he traveled as far as Rhode Island during hot summer months. They are completely harmless to anything but vegetation, and possibly the Tea Baggers.

You see, according to the gospel of the Tea Baggers, Jesus hates manatees and would never have approved of elevating nature above man. You see God really wants his followers to continue to destroy all living things so that they can live in a word that is bereft of all living things, not to mention boiling hot…like hell.

Now from time to time we do spoof certain subjects, thanks to CAP and The Onion, but I promise you this is not one of those spoofs. These idiots really exist and they are committed. What bothers me is, knowing Florida as I do, they just might win. After all Rick Scott won and THAT was a huge surprise.

Here’s the partly edited story from New Times:

Originating from the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots group, teabaggers crazies are crying about the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service’s intent to place restrictions against boating and other things near the city of Crystal River — and now they’re trying to get all Florida Tea Partiers to ask congress to block the wildlife service, according to the St. Petersburg Times. And why would they be trying to do this? Because protecting animals like manatees is against the Bible and the Bill of Rights, according to one Tea Party leader. “We cannot elevate nature above people,” Citrus County Tea Party Patriots leader Edna Mattos told the paper. “That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.” Preparing for the reality of bowing down to our new manatee overlords, Mattos tells the paper that if animal-loving hippies would’ve been around in the days of dinosaurs, we’d all be living in a movie starring Jeff Goldblum right now. “If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we’d be living in Jurassic Park now,” Mattos told the paper. Thank goodness the Tea Party is here to prevent us all from becoming manatee food or, gasp, nature lovers. Of course, what Tea Party talking point would be any good without a conspiracy theory about the United Nations? The St. Pete Times has the answer to that: Current regulations have helped boost the manatee population from 100 to 500, so clearly they’re sufficient, Mattos said. In fact, in her view, the manatee rules tie in to global development issues. “We believe that (federal regulators’) aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit. … As most of us know, this all ties in to the United Nations’ Agenda 21 and Sustainability.” Agenda 21 is a program, adopted by the U.N. in 1992, to encourage countries around the world to promote only development that does not harm nature. Pundit Glenn Beck and other conservatives have attacked it as an attempt to impose world government’s rules on every aspect of American lives. The Citrus County tea party group’s website says Agenda 21 is “designed to make humans into livestock.” Fictional manatees are not happy about the Tea Party’s plans: “These tea party bitches tryna keep a brotha down,” Gangsta Manatee posts on Twitter. “Oh hell naw! Manatee brothas unite!”

When I read stories such as this I am mindful of that old saying “you’ve come a long way baby!” I have rid myself of the shackles of religion, Jesus, the Bible and its believers and go placidly amidst the noise and haste as a contented Atheist. SAVE THE MANATEES–Boil the tea bags……

Hat tip to Mare Adams for this little gem!