ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister held a press conference this morning to announce the nation has enacted its ‘coronavirus management plan’ but stopped short of declaring the highly-infectious virus a national emergency.

In Canberra this morning, Scotty From Marketing explained that pandemics such as the coronavirus have always been ‘part-and-parcel’ with Australian life and that the findings of his office’s recent focus groups on the matter paint an unconcerned picture.

“I think Australians have common sense about these things,” he said.

Greg Hunt laughed and tucked his modest Victorian boner up into his belt.

“We’ve always had devastating infectious diseases in Australia with the potential to cause widespread death and chaos. Just look at the Spanish Flu. Unsure of when that was but it was fairly recent. Around World War One, I think,”

“I think I would’ve made a pretty good Digger just quietly. Anyway, the government has canvased the people of this wide brown land and the feedback we’ve received is positive and people aren’t too worried about this so-called coronavirus,”

“Plus the only people who’ve died from it have either been poor or older than Christ so don’t worry if you’re a white, middle-class Australia, you’ll be fine even if you get infected. OK guys, thanks for that.”

The Prime Minister then said he’d be off for a few days on a special climate change-related trip to Mawson Station in Australian Antarctica.

Michael McCormack will be acting as Prime Minister while Scotty is away.

More to come.