Today’s guest post comes from a student in the STL community who wishes to remain anonymous – her story is incredibly valuable and important. The impact of trauma, complex trauma, and PTSD is very real, and admittedly, many yoga teachers do not have training in the biology and physiology behind the impact trauma has on the brain and body. Our guest blogger’s story is a reminder that as students, it’s important to know you are not alone, and that you have permission to make requests and set boundaries with your teachers. As teachers, it’s a powerful insight that we never know who will be in our class, or the challenges they have survived. All good intentions and well-meaning aside, our actions have an impact, and that impact can only be determined by each individual’s life experience. – elle

I am writing to all the yoga teachers out there about hands-on touching for adjustments. I don’t know how to put into words the amount of trauma I have had in my life, the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse and all that I have witnessed and was a part of during my time in Iraq…I can’t write it all out in depth without traumatizing you so I will write you a letter as to why I am not appreciative of being touched, not only so my space is honored but so all people’s spaces are honored. May we all be respected, honored and loved just as we are….imperfectly perfect.

Dear Yoga Teacher,

First, I want to say, WOW!!! I am in an actual yoga studio!! Do you know how long it has taken me to work on myself and my fears just to step in to this space with you? Well, it has taken me years and I am still a little nervous. I am a little nervous about my yoga outfit and feeling a bit awkward in it…I know how to do the basic yoga poses but I am scared you are going to go fast or single me out verbally if I don’t do a pose right, and I am terrified that you are going to try to correct my pose by touching me. I know, I know it is your job to keep us yogis safe and it must be hard to see me struggle in a pose. But you know, I want to experience the pose myself and be allowed time to work with my body to come into full bloom in the pose; I want that for myself, I want to know what it feels like to open up. I may not even open up in a pose until a few classes in but I want that experience.

Not only do I want the experience, I want my boundaries to be respected and I want to feel safe in a yoga class. You see, the first memory I have as a child is being sexually abused by a family member, I was also beaten by this family member. I was sexually abused and raped and neglected and beaten until I was 17. I ran away from home at the age of 17 into the arms of a man I barely knew but it was much better than my parents’ home, well, he beat me, too. I fled from him and began a career in the military where I was physically assaulted, sexually assaulted and survived a deployment to Iraq where our base was mortared almost on a daily basis. Heavy stuff, right? Well, imagine the world through my eyes and through the eyes of survivors and veterans out there. Just walking into a yoga studio has taken every effort of courage and mindful breathing exercises I have learned.

Just walking into a yoga studio has taken every effort of courage and mindful breathing exercises I have learned.

So, you’re probably wondering why even attend a yoga class, right? I can only hope my bravery will uplift other survivors and veterans to experience yoga as form of self-care, healing, and community interaction. There are so many people who are confined to their homes because of fear of being singled out verbally in a yoga class or touched that they stay home bound. This was me for many years, I was home-bound and I had an amazing home yoga practice but I was longing for communion with others; I was lonely, I was yearning for community and connection. When I did venture out to my first yoga class, it was with my massage therapist who is also my friend now. She encouraged me to go to a studio so I went. I loved it so much; I went back again and again. I became so self-confident with yoga that I practiced out of state when I went on vacation. I then wanted to see what other yoga studios were like and that is when I learned that not all yoga studios are the same.

My first visit to one studio, I was touched several times during a floor pose, the yoga teacher touched me from my back side and my brain triggered. I started the mindful breathing, my heart raced, I kept telling myself I am safe, I am good but I was triggered, and I have no idea how I finished the class. I didn’t go back to any yoga studios for a while. Then after some time passed, I went back to the yoga studio where I started, the yoga teacher and I were comfortable with each other and she began to correct me with touch. I didn’t mind sometimes because I had gotten to know her, but on other days, it was a real trigger. I didn’t know how to tell her that it ruined my yoga practice when she made adjustments.

I never did tell her, too ashamed of not being like everyone else in class welcoming the adjustments, I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was too damaged to be like the other yogis’ and just too embarrassed to let her know that I didn’t want to be corrected. So, I cultivated a strong home practice but then that yearning for community would come up for me, so I would bravely venture out to practice yoga in various yoga studios. I was surprised how some places would respect personal space and others would not. Being in down dog and having my hips pulled into a deeper position almost made me fall to my knees in horror that I was being touched this way, it seemed so offensive to my body and that I had no boundaries – it left me feeling powerless. I just wanted to go to class to move my body, flow with spirit and free my mind, not be re-traumatized. I just want my body to be free to be just how it is in any pose… I want my body to have the freedom to open up when I am mentally and emotionally ready, not for my body to be adjusted and demanded into a pose. I just want to be imperfectly perfect as I am in this moment, whether or not I have the perfect down dog or side angle pose…it will get there, let my body savor the opening, not forced into opening.

I would like to feel empowered and feel as though I have choices when I practice at yoga studios. I would like to see yes/no cards at yoga studios that allow me the choice to be touched for adjustments. I like this idea the best out of all I have researched. It is so easy and quick and can be kept with the yoga supplies for class. These cards are great not only for trauma survivors and veterans but also for those who are sensitive touch for their own personal reasons.

So, yoga teacher, you see why I would rather you not touch? I really do like you and admire your wisdom and the way you make yoga look so graceful and beautiful. I want to get there and I will in my own time, I want to experience the unfolding of it all my way. I look up to you and want to continue to this journey with yoga with you. Now that we have gotten the touch thing out of the way, let’s flow. See you on the mat!

With Admiration & Respect,

Your Yoga Student

If any of this sounds familiar to your own experience – my hope is you will feel empowered to ask your teacher at the beginning of a yoga class to refrain from any hands on assists. No need to give any explanation. You can also bring a tool of consent as mentioned in the letter, such as the Yogaflipchip, to use as a reminder for your teacher to skip the hands on adjustments. You can also have custom-made wood chips created by STL-local woodworker, Christopher May.