NAZARETH, PA—Sprinting down driveways and cutting through bushes to lock down the situation as quickly as possible, a group of 10-year-old first responders rushed to the stone-path scene of a single-vehicle BMX bike crash Wednesday to check out Tyler’s totally fucked-up leg. “Quick, guys! Call Trevor, get Brian, too—we only have a few minutes here and they have got to see this shit!” said local fifth-grader Josh Osborn, directing his emergency response team to take crucial photos while simultaneously trying to get Tyler to relax and stop screaming so as not to attract adult attention. “This is what we train for, what we discuss for entire lunch hours. Sometimes, you only have minutes to see if the bone is, like, sticking out through his pants before someone comes and ruins it with a cast or something. Thank God Andrew was cool and came to get us the second he heard the crash, or we might not have been able to get here and gawk at his totally wrecked leg.” At press time, Tyler Cantle, 10, whose injury was confirmed by the team as being “totally fucking nuts,” was begging personnel not to tell his parents.

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