This article is a satirical take on the human condition in the crypto market. Please treat it as such.

Enjoy!

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The crypto space is filled with all kinds of people, people with different motivations, goals, methods, outlooks, strategies, etc.

You come across them on Steemit, on Reddit, on Telegram groups, in blockchain/crypto conferences and meetups, on YouTube, on Facebook, on Twitter, and pretty much every social media platform you can think of.

Here are the main archetypes you'll find:

The Newbie "Trader"

This guy heard of cryptocurrencies about a week before he purchased his first coin. He sits in front of his computer, and opens up his exchange's 1min chart, and gets to work. He sees two green candles with solid bodies and he thinks "oh gee, this coin is pumping, better get in on the action!". Three minutes later a long red candle comes and he goes "sell sell sell sell sell!"

This guy is constantly stressed and has a high probability of becoming a chain smoker after entering the market.

The Gambler

This guy has a bit of money and he wants to make a lot more. He figures that some coins will make mad gainz and others won't, but he can't find an easy way to distinguish the winners from the losers, and doesn't wanna go through the trouble of doing all the work to do so. So he figures "If I split up my money and distribute it across different coins that people are excited about, some of them are sure to explode and that will make me set!". He buys his coins (with his selection criteria being the "word on the street") and crosses his fingers. 10% swings down don't bother him that much. 20% down and he start to get concerned. 30% down and he starts to panic and sells. But it doesn't work the other way. He will not sell at profit for anything less than 30,000%, dammit!

The Gambler's mood on any given day will depend on the total % performance of his portfolio on said day, so he's on a roller-coaster all the time. Some of the people falling under this category will strike gold, and some others will lose every cent they had. It's just the luck of the draw, really.

The Swing Trader

This guy knows more about the market than the newbie trader. He's seasoned and experienced and has all different kinds of tools under his belt and publishes mad charts on TradingView that have 20 different indicators of all different colors on them. He knows that the market goes up and down, and his strategy is to long-short-repeat. He doesn't care if the market goes up or down, he's just surfing the waves.

The Warren Buffett

This guy is serious business! He first heard about crypto several months ago and since then he has been reading everything he can get his hands on. He actually opens up the official websites of different coins and reads everything on there, including the risk statements and disclaimers! He spends hours reading up on the technology behind each coin and reads each whitepaper. His goals is to identify the best coins that will weather the storm of volatility for months and even years and come out on top. He carefully divides his portfolio as per a carefully tuned strategy. He buys his coins and goes to sleep.

The Hedger

This guy appears like a Swing Trader most of the time, but he's really not. While he does share the same affinity for identifying trends and riding the waves up and down, he wants the least risk possible and wants to protect himself at all times! In short, he wants to hedge his bets! For every coin he longs, he shorts another. His profit is in the "spread". Sometimes it's nickels on the dime, sometimes it's mad gainz. There's no way of telling whether this guy will be having a lambo soon or not. But one thing is for sure: he has hedged his bets and the only thing he might lose is time.

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