Today is day four of a monster migraine. It also happens to be my birthday. For the last few days I have drawn shut all the curtains, turned off every light, and subjected my family to living in a cave of silence. I tried my usual routine of water and caffeine to no avail. I even resorted to taking Imitrex. Twice. Which leaves my body all out of whack in the most painful of ways. Yet nothing was happening. The headache would not let go.

Nothing throws us off more, than being in pain. It shuts everything down. All energy for movement and speech gets siphoned off into managing the pain. Only those who live with constant, or chronic, pain can understand. There is no end in sight when this happens. I can’t read stories to my girls because my own voice hurts to hear. It hurts to focus my eyes enough to see the words. Not to mention the ridiculous amount of energy it takes to speak, while also forcing my self to sit up and act relatively normal. Pain is not normal. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

Before I had children, I would have never thought it was possible to even get out of bed during a migraine. But I did it. For four days, I dragged myself out of bed, cooked and fed my children, got their diapers changed and put them down for naps and bedtime. I counted down every second my husband was at work, swearing each time the clock had only seemed to move by a minute since my last glance.

He’d finally come home, and my head would hurt so much at that point that lying it on a pillow made tears fall down my face. But I survived. My family survived, albeit my children are now stir-crazy. And I don’t blame them one bit.

So what do I do when modern medicine has failed me? I turn to the very presence that has been there from the start. The newfound store of energy that allowed me to get out of bed and take care of my girls had to come from somewhere. Yes, I am a mom. And being a mom gives us the unique ability to pull our shit together and do what’s needed to be done for our families. But there was something else there.

Another question then. If the Mother was there all along, why did I succumb to such pain for so long? Was it a punishment for not praying to her as often as I have been? No, I don’t think so. I don’t think it was a punishment bestowed by her. I think I did it to myself. I have been communicating and practicing so much lately, meditating to get my mind at peace, that I am beginning to think that it was my neglect of self/spiritual health that led to this migraine. If we can call it a migraine.

I’ve gotten lazy this past week with my ceremonies and prayers. I would rarely cast a full circle. I wouldn’t take the time to completely clear my mind, or show the discipline to maintain a clear mind whilst doing a ritual. For crying out loud, I actually made dinner while in the middle of a spell. Everything is always crystal clear in hindsight. Looking back, I can see how my carelessness with energy negatively affected my own. How could my energy not be thrown off if I’m half-assing spells and rituals that require strong, focused energy?

Only I can repair this. Tomorrow is the trifecta for moon watching. Tomorrow is a Super Blood Wolf Moon. Tomorrow I will formally prepare for the ritual. I will cast a proper circle, and take no shortcuts when honoring our Mother. I will set a schedule for honest rituals and meditations and I will stick to it. Witchcraft is not something to play around with. So much is at stake when you call forth outside energies and entities. I know that now. It has been a learning process for me, and this is most definitely one lesson I do not care to repeat.