BOONE, NC – In an effort to acknowledge the unrivaled contribution of psychostimulant drugs to almost all facets of academia at Appalachian State University, officials unveiled the new “Adderall Library” last Thursday.

Chancellor Sheri Everts delivered the evening’s ceremonial speech on the steps of the building formerly known as “Belk Library”, extolling the virtues of the breakthrough combination of amphetamine salts to a crowd of overly attentive and twitching students, faculty, and representatives from Shire Pharmaceuticals.

“Most of us stand here tonight because of Adderall, which has instilled a sense of potential in us all, allowing us to achieve far greater accomplishments than we dare dream of without it,” said Everts as she held up a small prescription bottle of extended release tablets. “It has had a monumental impact on academics at Appalachian and we’re glad to finally give it the honors this education-in-a-bottle deserves.”

Following a thirty minute break allowing audience members to sprint about Sanford Mall and chatter amongst themselves at uncanny speeds, the ceremony continued with a short speech from a professor.

“After teaching for 25 years I can say that students these days are better than ever, well I guess I’d have to look at some statistics to be sure, although it sure does seem like it, though I bet you’re all wondering where I got this tie, Men’s Wearhouse, 15 bucks, not a bad deal, eh?” said history professor Mark Philbin before sprinting off the stage and chasing a squirrel up a tree.

The night concluded with members of Appalachian State’s Board of Directors dashing to the stage and sputtering something incomprehensible into the microphone, before finally revealing the building’s new name. The audience immediately rose and applauded in a perfectly uniform manner.

University officials could not be reached for comments after the ceremony.