So there’s this article that was recently written by Scarlet Ravenswood – “Why There Are So Many Solitary Female Pagans – The Hard Truth” – anyone who follows any online pagan communities will have surely seen it. It’s been shared on Reddit, Tumblr, and numerous Facebook groups. But just in case, I encourage anyone reading this to pause and read Scarlet’s article first and then come back. The comments section on the original article and in other spaces where it has been shared have pretty much been an echo chamber; people sharing their own anecdotes, proclaiming that this is why they maintain a solitary practice, and then finally declaring that this behavior should not be tolerated.

I’ll be perfectly honest – my initial response to the article was to roll my eyes and proclaim, “Well that’s just overly fucking dramatic.” It took further discussion on Reddit and Facebook, multiple read-throughs of the article, and then in-depth conversations with my High Priestess and partner to really get a deeper understanding as to why I had that strong of a reaction in the first place. I fully admit my initial response was judgmental, but I’ve had a lot of time to really cultivate a more appropriate response.

Before going any further, I feel the need to clarify that yes, there are actual sexual predators within the pagan community – just like in any other community. We all know what happened with Kenny Klein. We’ve all heard stories of people requiring initiates have sex with them in order to join a coven. Pedophilia and sexual assault is illegal no matter which community you’re in. Sexual intimidation and coercion are inappropriate and unacceptable no matter which community you’re in. If you are a seeker and the HP proclaims that you have to have sex with him in order to be initiated, run as fast as you can. If there is an adult who is being inappropriate with minors, speak the hell up. It must not be tolerated any longer.

However, those situations are not what Scarlet’s article is about.

Scarlet states, “Usually at pagan events there is always a much older man…” Alright, lets pause there. Wicca came to America at a time when the hippie counter-culture movement was really taking off. Pagan events looked drastically different in the 1970s than they do now. Even twenty years ago open pagan events would have looked very different than what has become the norm. It used to be a common occurrence to see all sorts of naked people at pagan events and there would be workshops discussing sex magick and the Great Rite. In general, the people who attended these events were sex-positive which included being open to discussing sex. And when the sun went down, things often got a lot less family-friendly.

We often hear that Wicca and the pagan community has since become sanitized – I agree with that sentiment. So many books published about Wicca now don’t really mention sex magick nor do they discuss the early sexual history of Wicca. I think much of this has to do with book sales – not to knock Llewellyn, but if they want to make money then there has to be more pagans to sell books to, yes? So in order to appeal to a wider audience, some things need to be toned down. From a business standpoint, it’s only logical that Wicca moves away from a sexy witch cult to a new-age spiritual practice that is ultimately more conservative.

A much older person may perceive the pagan community very differently than a younger person. They may have been part of that free-love culture and likely still associate with others who have similar experiences. It doesn’t necessarily mean the person is a creep – it could just mean he has been talking about these things with other pagans for decades.

Scarlet then goes on to state, “…often with minimal social skills, who approaches me and begins a conversation…often the conversation takes a dramatic turn when he says something inappropriate and completely out of context to what we were discussing.”

I feel it is necessary to give some background information about myself since it is relevant to my next point. I work in the behavioral health field and my job is to teach young adults skills that are necessary to become as independent as they would like to be. These skills may range from personal hygiene and daily living skills all the way to social and conversational skills. 80% of the individuals I work with have been clinically diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Can you guess what we mostly work on together?

Daniel Wendler did a TED talk discussing his experiences of having Asperger’s syndrome (in the DSM-V Asperger’s Syndrome has been removed as a diagnosis and is now part of the all-encompassing Autism Spectrum Disorder). In his talk, he stated, “You can think of it this way. If you are a baby born in Japan, you’re going to naturally learn Japanese, just by hearing others speak it around you. But if you take an adult who has never spoken Japanese and drop them in the middle of Tokyo, they’re going to have a much harder time.

If you’re someone without Asperger’s, you just pick up social skills naturally – you’re like the baby born in Japan. If you’re someone with Asperger’s, social skills are like this foreign language that everyone else knows but you don’t – you’re the adult dropped in Tokyo without so much as a travel dictionary.”

I can’t stress enough how difficult it is for some individuals with ASD to learn very basic social skills. Many people often take for granted just how easy they can interact with others. They understand the importance of making eye contact, but know to look away once in a while as to not stare. They can pick up on subtle social cues such as someone rubbing their neck a lot or fidgeting might mean they are uncomfortable with the conversation. They know it’s not appropriate to ask a teacher about their sex life, religion, or how much they weigh. They know how to take turns in a conversation so that they aren’t monopolizing the entire conversation which leads to alienating the other person. So because they take it for granted, they hold the expectation that others must know these skills as well. But that isn’t always the case.

It’s really easy to say, “Just don’t discuss sex with someone you just met.” But there are other adults who have no issues discussing it and are open about it. There are online communities where sex is discussed frequently in regards to Wicca and other pagan practices. Sometimes sex magick is mentioned in books therefore it’s assumed that it’s appropriate to discuss at a pagan event.

I’ve always been great with grammar, spelling, and writing – but math? Ugh, no. You can put a formula in front of me and walk me through the steps, but I’m likely going to need a ton of practice, a tutor, a detailed study guide, and extra test time in order to really feel successful. But math has very specific rules that are fairly cut and dried. Human behavior and communication does not. Sure there are general rules that are appropriate 90% of the time, but add in cultural differences, generational differences, personally differences, and then wild cards such as mental illness and substance use…well, those rules go right out the window sometimes.

Now I’m not suggesting that every person in the pagan community who has ever inappropriately discussed sex has ASD. That is naive and foolish – sometimes people really are just jerks. However, for the longest time individuals with ASD either were misdiagnosed or weren’t diagnosed at all. There’s an awful lot of middle-aged and elderly individuals who have gone their entire lives without getting diagnosed and have continued to struggle with some of these basic social skills. The pagan community has always attracted outcasts who didn’t feel they fit in anywhere and individuals with ASD often feel like they don’t belong anywhere. Therefore I try to be mindful that there may be a high population of individuals with ASD within the pagan community.

The last thing Scarlet states that I am going to point out is this: “While I’ve never felt in danger at any Pagan events, these types of conversations have definitely made me feel uncomfortable.” I believe this statement, along with the title of her article (opinion disguised as fact but is ultimately click-bait), is likely the root of my initial reaction.

I’ve provided a bit of information about what I currently do for a job, but prior to that I was a case manager at a domestic violence shelter. While there, we often described conflict as any situation that causes discomfort. It can be with another person, it can be within yourself, it can be with the damned Coke machine that just ate your last dollar. But it doesn’t have to be a situation that you run away from. Conflict can be transformed into something beautiful, something positive, something that teaches you something valuable about yourself or others. Conflict is necessary for evolution.

Being uncomfortable is a normal human experience. If you don’t challenge that experience, how is it ever going to improve? Do you think the man who made Scarlet uncomfortable read her article? It’s possible, but it doesn’t really have the same weight as directly telling him, “I’m not really comfortable discussing sex magick with those I don’t know well. Can we discuss something else?” By doing so, you’ve made your boundaries clear and you’ve given the other person an opportunity to either respect them or disrespect them. At that point, there are consequences of both. That man may have had something valuable to say but Scarlet will never know.

If we hide from the things that make us uncomfortable, when there is no real danger present, we are doing ourselves a disservice. We may potentially be missing out on valuable conversation, amazing friendships, and real opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.