Do you like sex? I sure do. Both ways I had it. It was so good I hope to do it again soon. Until then, you can at least count on me to share my very few observations about the topic with you so you can be better prepared to grease the loins of your next paramour in a more mutually satisfying manner. And, as an added bonus, this article includes input from two friends who demanded anonymity lest their lives be ruined by the terrible secrets they bestowed upon me. And some of them are legitimately terrible. I used to think I was an amoral asshole, but man, my friends are despicable.

When it comes to having sex, one of the most important things is not being awful. That never gets said enough -- you need to not be horrible, and man, there are a lot of horrible ways to blow a sexual encounter, so to speak. I'm not saying you need to go to one of them porno schools you see in all the pornos about schools; I'm just saying you need a basic level of consideration for your partner. And with that in mind, never be these people.