CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Prime Minister Morrison was reportedly seething with rage at a central west NSW emergency evacuation centre.

Not because he has finally gotten his head around the scale of the 257 bushfires currently ravaging rural Australia.

Not because his family holiday in Hawaii was cut short after being photographed chilling on the beach and drinking beer while chucking up shakas while said bushfires destroy thousands of Aussie homes.

It wasn’t because he’s just learnt that small businesses throughout these towns are being crippled by losing their staff to volunteer fire service.

It isn’t because these volunteers haven’t seen their own families in months and are experiencing extreme financial ramifications, and in some cases being forced to pay for supplies out of their own pockets.

It was because, after everything, he couldn’t get a decent tiki-themed white rum based cocktail at knock-off yesterday.

“Oh come on!” said Scotty From Marketing, before letting out a guttural sigh.

“Moccona?!! Blend 43”

“I know I’m still in holiday mode, but is this all that’s on offer?

The PM says he knows he doesn’t have it bad as some, but you know, these community groups could at least try and pretend they care about him having to cut his holiday short by 45 minutes.

“Let me guess. They don’t even have Milo. I’ve gotta have Ovaltine or something shit like that. Fuck me. Get it together people”

“Whose cock do I have to suck to get a decent Mai Tai in this one horse town?!”