“Real Talk” Craigslist Job Ad

Do you love working in an ambiguous environment that maybe has some upward mobility maybe someday?

Are you dying to make no more than $12/hr?

Do you think benefits “are for pussies”?

ARE YOU HEARING ALL OF THE CAPS LOCKED WORDS AS SCREAMING IN YOUR HEAD?

Do you know how to use obscure technical equipment that would leave 19th century machinists baffled though it possibly was made in that same time period?

Are you wondering if weird symbols in random spots on this job posting means the zany boss who posted this really needs an administrative assistant badly or if, instead, you might get organs extracted at the “interview”?

Have you ever used a phone before?

Are you desperate to “hit the ground running” but are completely unsure as to what that means?

Are you an expert in accounting, creative copy and intricate web design?

Do you have instincts? Like at all? Follow up question: Are you a robot?

Do you fantasize about using Microsoft Office every single day but don’t know how to make that dream a reality?

-Part time unless we find out you’re good at things but then still no benefits

-Must be available 24/7 on your Blackberry (you pay the bill but don’t use swear words, we’ll find out)

-Must have pulse and not be uglyish

*Note: Please put “Stay Away From The Guy Who Sits In The Corner” in the subject line or we will ignore your email/spare you from the port in the storm that is this job

**Note: Please send us your cover letter, resume, and references in Old Latin in a Word document form in purple Comic Sans cursive as well as a 37 page essay on why you are seriously dying to work for our undisclosed business. Make it good.