Article updated 2018

Isn’t life better and easier when you don’t cry?

Aren’t you stronger and cooler than the damsels in distress who cry to get their way? Isn’t it better to have things handled?

People will like you more if you’re a non-crying cool girl, right?

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Bullshit. On the surface, people will like you more because you’re agreeable and don’t reflect their own difficult emotions back to them. But if you keep things superficial all the time, who can really be there for you when you are down?

There’s nothing wrong with being superficial when life calls for it, because in a world so heavily populated, we are constantly around people who could feel threatening — people we don’t know very well, and people we don’t want to know very well. But there is something damaging about choosing not to feel loss or any other emotion that you routinely avoid, thereby making superficiality and numbness your second-by-second, daily habits.

What is the importance of crying, anyway? When you allow it to happen, over time it gives you greater sensitivity. When you have greater sensitivity, you experience the depth and richness of all emotions. Without the willingness to cry, you risk living as a perpetually stressed and closed human being. And when human beings (more so women) are stressed and closed, they aren’t as inviting and as attractive as they could be, because part of what’s attractive about women is how open and un-stressed they appear to men.

A small aside: Don’t think of all this as “trying too hard to attract men.” Think of it as giving your gift: a gift that’s more true to your essential core, a gift that’s more aligned with your authentic energy — which is easier to access when you’re not stressed.

Crying is extremely important for your health, and for your ability to relate to a man and to yourself. For example, it’s no surprise that scientists now report crying makes nine out of 10 people feel better, reduces stress and keeps the body healthy. They even suggest that tears may be a way for the body to cleanse itself of chemicals that build up during emotional stress.

What’s wonderful also is that crying may be a way for us to induce physical contact with another human being (the very reason we sometimes avoid crying, for fear of intimacy and having to face our real selves). And touch, of course, is also known to improve our health.

Notice how you feel when you touch someone (or have gone without touch for a long time). There’s something about not being touched for a while that makes us feel dead, and something about touch from a friend or a lover that makes us feel vulnerable and connected (I can literally feel the effects of the “love” hormone oxytocin when my husband and I simply touch hands).

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If you’re not crying regularly, something is very wrong and inauthentic; and I mean wrong in the context of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with other humans. Here’s why: The ability to cry — in pleasure or pain — shows how alive and responsive you are.

The practice of crying (or at least regularly feeling loss, or any emotion that you know you habitually avoid), is a powerful place to be, because it means you’re present, not dissociated or numb. It means that you’re on the ball, and able to make good decisions informed by your body — because your body doesn’t lie to you — as opposed to decisions informed through the stress of “over-thinking” them.

Crying shows how open you are, and how open you are is proportionate to how many genuine men you attract into your life. Not just men, but friends, too. It shows how open you are to what’s real and raw. It shows how open you are to your feelings.

If you can’t be open to your feelings, then you generally can’t handle anyone else’s either. For example, people who are habitually closed — or worse, hateful or resentful — often don’t keep loyal relationships because they’re not even able to be loyal to themselves, to their own feelings.

Notice that I say habitually closed, because it’s not being closed that’s damaging in itself. It’s the perpetual practice of being closed that is bad for us because it deprives us of living authentically.

More specifically, the more we keep our own emotions at arm’s length, the more we diminish or destroy our ability to handle a deep and devoted relationship. This is the definition of superficiality.

When we don’t cry, or when we’re unable to let ourselves cry, our energy is closed, and we are avoiding the deeper places in ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with this; at work, for example, we often need to be superficial. But this fact in itself should be enough, at times, to make you cry. For example: Why can’t I punch that annoying customer in the face? It can be frustrating, or even painful. We live in a society where we have to suppress emotions, especially at work or at functions. This alone is frustrating enough to make me cry.

We are human beings, and human beings, with the possible exception of elephants, are the only species known to produce tears for emotional reasons. We need to be able to cry. We need the honesty and the freedom not to judge ourselves for crying, even in public. Sometimes, in public, I have tears in my eyes. And it’s OK.

Your Daily Practice: 15 Minutes Feeling What You Avoid The Most

Am I suggesting you go out and cry in public? No! I am suggesting that each day, in a safe place where nobody can hurt or distract you, you put aside 15 minutes to bring up a memory, a song, a loss in your life — and feel it. For what purpose? For you and the people you love, so that you have a more infinite quality of life. If you’re numb, it doesn’t matter how many sexy holidays you go on; your quality of life will be shit to average, at best.

Most of us keep a few particular emotions — especially loss — far away, unless they’re forced upon us. But loss is everywhere, every second. And if you are open and sensitive to loss in its many forms, you have character and strength. You naturally have a more expansive quality of life because you’re sensitive, and sensitivity across the board means a greater openness to pleasure as well as pain.

Many people go through life hardly ever crying, just going through the daily motions and forgetting that they are human. Many of these people, because they push any uncomfortable emotion down and away, also treat their loved ones like shit.

You’ve been around people like this, right? People whose eyes are perpetually absent when you’re talking to them, people who consistently judge others just to avoid their own raw emotions? People who blame everyone else just so they can avoid their own feelings of failure? Jump onto Youtube and read the video comments; the haters there are these people, who perpetually avoid their own rawness and realness.

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Is It Necessary To Cry Each And Every Day?

So, am I saying that you actually need to break down in tears on a daily basis? Well, not exactly. Because if you’re an overachiever, you might be upset with yourself if you can’t do it. What I am suggesting is that you put aside fifteen minutes of your day in order to feel emotions, like any of the following, that are crucial to reducing your stress and improving your attractiveness and your ability to have a devoted relationship:

loss

ecstasy

pleasure

pain

anger

yearning

desperation

self-loathing

humiliation

embarrassment

Incidentally, even feelings like ecstasy can bring up tears. But because pleasure in various forms is made wrong for many people from early childhood, sometimes we shy away from it — without even realizing it — for fear that allowing ourselves to feel it would make us disgusting in some way.

I honestly believe, without any hard scientific evidence to back myself up, that tears are the external sign of our self-erected walls melting. It’s a process of going from “separate self” to “connected” and/or “authentic self.” Sometimes, crying is a sign of saying “YES” to openness — and “YES” to life.

But the most important reason we need to feel what we habitually avoid every day is that if we don’t, we become hardened. We lose touch with our lives. And when this happens, we lose everything: We lose ourselves, we lose our value as open, alive, and therefore attractive and sensual women. We lose our ability to be sexy and spontaneous and pleasured women. (We become dull, uninviting, and uninspiring). We lose moments — and the richness — of life.

When we are numb, we become the irrelevant idiots who treat life as if there’s always “more time.” We think it doesn’t matter that we’re getting older because “I don’t look my age.” And we treat our children and our lovers as if they will always be there.

But when we give ourselves permission to feel loss, to cry, to breathe into ecstasy, pleasure, shame and humiliation — and to overwhelm jealousy and hate — we eventually get to the place where we realise, not just intellectually but in a visceral way, that nothing we have is guaranteed. Not even our existence.

Nothing we have is everlasting, except who we are. Everything — money, lifestyle, gorgeous boyfriend or gorgeous children — can be taken from us by forces beyond our control. So, if you were to approach all your interactions, your life, and even yourself with this understanding, would you show up differently? If you could recognise that loss is everywhere… that every single day, every single moment, is gained and lost… it would be painful — but isn’t it also empowering?

Whether you can open to your emotions and cry makes all the difference to how deeply attractive, graceful and mature you are. It makes all the difference to how well you treat yourself and others, and how much depth of character you have. So don’t search for things to make yourself “feel better.” This is what most people do. Allow for things that make you feel loss.

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Fifteen minutes a day. Go.

Then leave me a comment so I can experience what you did. Really, you’d be giving me a gift, too.

Do you want to know what’s keeping your man from committing to you? Find out from the Commitment Masterclass, click here and register to watch for free.

Love,



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