My holiday awakening

I'm not really sure how this happened, she's shouting at me in visceral and angry tones but i don't understand a word of it. Without warning she slaps me hard across the face. Her hand leaves a stinging echo behind it and all I can do is stand there baffled and apologetic looking while she screams at me in a language I can't even begin to understand. I stand there perplexed and feeling deeply ashamed of the fact I can't stop thinking about how beautiful she is, how powerful her words sound, how much I want to make her stop being angry, how much I want her to forgive me.

I knew her from the internet, we'd been friends for quiet a while but this was the first time we'd met in person. It all seemed to be going well at first, I was in her country for business and we agreed to meet up for a drink. I was a little shocked how good looking she was in person, petite and feminine with exoticly brown skin. The conversation was warm and friendly, mostly about people we knew online. As I’d always suspected in real life she was just as funny, smart, and clever as online – it was almost a let down that nothing strange or unusual happened at all, no big secret or shocking revelation – she really seemed to be the cool, caring and down to earth Thai I'd fallen for.

Having something to eat at her place seemed a perfectly natural thing to do, I’ve since learnt I should have been more careful but I was hungry and accepted her invitation eagerly. The problems began almost as soon as we sat down on her large couch, she was acting a bit differently all of a sudden. She started to argue with me about gender politics, about old internet dramas, about the patriarchy - a dark suspicion started to grow within me, a paranoid fear. What made it worse was I didn't have access to wikipedia and her arguments were strong, she was talking rings around me and all I could do was stammer and stutter rubbish.

She was ranting and arguing while I hovered helplessly in the Kitchen, I wanted to excuse myself and leave but I couldn't be so rude as to walk out on a meal half cooked. She poured the food into two bowls and handed me one, we went through to the kitchen and she began an excited rant once again saying i was an awful person, an archetype of the oppressor. I tried to stand up for myself, it was her house, of course she cooked - 'I wasn't being misogynistic, it's just that I don't even know how to use a wok' that was the first time she screamed at me in her native language, it was an honest mistake, a nervous slip of the tongue - of course i know Thailand isn't in china and, and, nothing helped it was too late i'd put my foot in it. The whole time we were eating she was ranting at me about how I’m a typical misogynistic and racist white man come to try and swindle and take advantage of the helpless natives, well not this time... 'no, not this time' she warned me coldly.

She's got it all wrong, i'm a white knight liberal if anything, I'm terribly ashamed of my English male privilege! She was shouting about how my attempts to co-opt the genuine suffering of impoverished people to flatter my macho ego was the classic behaviour of an imperialist minded person, i wanted to sob and say that it's not true, that I'm one of few genuine ones who cares about the people of the world but i couldn't even think of the word 'sorry' let alone an excuse for my awful behaviour so far.

She grabbed my chin and squeezing my cheeks pulled my face inches from her own,

'shitlord' she spat, i winced more at the word than the globule of saliva which splashed across my face. i was scared.

'no, no, i'm not' i stammered, she slapped me.

'shitlord!' she repeated slapping me around the face with her free hand. It sung almost as much as the accusation.

'please no, believe me, i'm not like the rest'

'the rest of who?' she squeezed my cheeks so that i had to spit out the reply around her fingers,

'men, i'm not like the other men' i almost sobbed,

'you're not a real man?' she squeezed harder.

'no, no' i panted, hoping it was the right answer as her nails dug into my cheeks.

'you're a fucking nothing' she pushed me away from her letting go suddenly then slapping me as i recoiled, the noise reverberated in my head.

My face stings as i stand there feeling really bad for upsetting her, everything she's saying is so hard to argue against, i find myself burbling that i'm sorry, sorry for everything, sorry for being a man, sorry for not being a man, sorry for being pathetic, sorry for being privileged – i thought she was starting to calm down but then i slip up again, mid flow she adjusts her top and i glance down at her cleavage for what was only a split-second but it was long enough to get caught.

She starts screaming in her own language again, making gestures and occasionally spitting on me. Still ranting in her heavy and strong tongue she grasps my shirt and pulls it over my head, i can only guess at what she's yelling as she throws it on the floor. As i glance down at it she slaps me again and screams something in my face. i start to raise my hands to gesture that i was sorry but she slaps me again. i want to beg her to speak English, to explain my mistake in a way i can understand but i don't dare, if she wanted to speak English then she would - no point angering her further.

She slaps me hard,

'for fuck sake, listen to me!' she screams grasping me by the neck and shaking violently,

'i, i, i don't understand...' she releases one hand and slaps me around the face.

'So,' the accent making the sound long and drawn out, seductive 'everyone has to speak english?' she wrapped her hand around my throat and squeezed, she sounds like a sexy bond villan 'because you tried to take over the world' I can't help but enjoy the way she hardens the b on because, i realise i’m thinking colonial again even as she's telling me off for it, i want to say i'm sorry but i'm so lost in introspection i don't even notice her hand swing up until it connects with my face and the echoing slap sounds out.

'please, i...' she stuck her nails hard into my throat and throttled me.

'you're a fucking pig!' she screamed pulling me down towards the floor with her sharp nails. All i could do was let myself be pushed down onto my back until i was laying on the floor while she stood over me pointing down and ranting.

Her high heeled foot found it's way onto my chest and pushed down, involuntary i groaned. Her scowl turned into a wicked grin and she rolled her weight onto the pointed heel, my face screwed up into a wince as she dug the point into my ribs.

'you're fucking pathetic, shitlord' she twisted the heel slowly between my ribs and i moaned an uncomfortable sorry. The weight shifted to her toe which pressed down painfully onto my nipple. i grunted as the weight shifted and she raised her other foot from the floor, for a moment her entire weight was pushing down through one foot then she brought the other down heel first onto my sternum, for a second it felt like she was going to piece though and stab my heart with her heel, but eventually she rolled forwards and i felt her toe pushing down into my Adams apple.

'it's about time a white cis male was a door mat for a change.' she pressed down with her toe warning me not to reply.

i just lay with jaw clenched trying not to do anything else to annoy her as she shuffled her weight about about on top of me probing the soft bits of my torso with her heels, grinding her toes into my nipples and neck, jabbing at my ribs with her heels. She didn't weigh much but when she dug those heels in it hurt like anything, i could tell by now that she was enjoying making me squirm and groan under her so i started being a bit looser with the noises and winces, of course she was too smart for me - i emitted a high pitch yelp as she spun around and slammed her pointed heel hard into my pelvic bone, i felt the excruciating pain of her pivoting forwards and for half a second I considered throwing her off but i couldn't risk her getting hurt in the fall, all i could do was let out a loud, deep groan as i felt the flat toe section of her shoe push down on my crotch and begin to crush my balls.

'shut up, don't try to fuck with me!'

i gritted my teeth and closed my eyes right tight shut as the force of her foot on my trousers increased and the pain filled my lower body with a throbbing, aching fire. She was saying something in her language again but i couldn't even pick out the sounds, probably because i was concentrating too hard on staying stable so that she wouldn't fall off, and enduring the various points at which a painful sensation was emanating – not least my balls which she was now grinding under her toe. Slowly it started to reach a level, the pain from my balls was throbbing in my stomach but slowly i was starting to come to terms with it, occasionally she'd manage to manipulate one of my testicles into a position she could trap it and crush it which would make me draw in breath with a panicked gasp, but mostly my head was starting to clear.

i let myself open my eyes but our eyes met and i closed mine again hurriedly, she squished down with her toe hard and it hurt so much i felt my body jolt as if electrified, she raised her foot right from my loins pivoting back painfully onto the rear foots heel before bringing the raised one down hard onto my already very tender groin. i'd been doing well not thrashing around but this time the sensation over powered me and i felt myself twitching violently under her, she screeched and hopped from foot to foot trying to get her balance, her weight tottering from sharp heel to sharp heel as she surfed my pained body using each fumbled step as a way to stamp me back down at the same time.

without thinking i'd opened my eyes while trying to steady myself for her but she looked back at me and her eyes flashed with fire,

'are you fucking looking up my skirt, you fucking pervert!' she stamped down with the foot on my crotch again digging the heel into my pelvis and pivoting onto my crushed penis with all her weight as she stepped off of me. She was wearing a loose fitting blue lace skirt which I couldn't deny having noticed was partly opaque when the sun shone through it, i'd tried not to look at her beautiful copper toned legs as they descended up under the skirt but when she was moving about on me it did blow in the wind and i couldn't help but glance at her smooth, slender thighs – yes, of course she was right, i wished i knew how to be a better person.

She stood between my legs looking down on me, i knew what was coming but preparing for it didn't help, i actually yelled 'agggh' when she stomped her foot onto the crotch of my trousers and down crushing the delicate stuff below.

'you're fucking pathetic, you're not different, you pretend to be different, you're not different...' her litany of insults continued and she emphasised each comma with an uncomfortable crushing pressure and twisting of her foot. 'you're a fucking shitlord piece of shit.' her full weight went into my loins and i groaned,

'why, why do you keep saying that...' i begged, 'please, please, i'm sorry'

'you don't get it do you?' she toe punted me between the legs then leaning forwards planted her knee on my stomach as my head spun, leaning right over my face she snarled 'you came here with your fucking while male privilege, with your fucking dick in your hand expecting to get an easy lay off a weak and feeble little Thai girl!' the knee was pressing into my solar-plexus making it hard to breath.

Her delicate little hand took a fistful of hair and pulled my head up sharply so she could spit on my face,

'well guess what shitlord?' she threw my head backwards causing my to bash it painfully on the hard wood floor under me. 'guess fucking what?' she wasn't even looking where she was putting her feet as she raised herself up once again, the heels dug into my flesh hurting just a little more than everything else. 'I’ll tell you fucking what!' she pushed the flat toe of her shoe against my face forcing my head to the side and crushing it into the floor below.

'plea...' I tried to beg but her foot pushing down on my jaw made it impossible,

'I'll tell you what!' she screamed, my head was tilted so far to the side all i could see was the floor but i felt her weight leave her feet and impulsively i tensed up and winced, 'BRD IS THE WORD!' she yelled as her weight came crashing down on my chest like a battering ram and all the air was expelled from my lungs.

It took a long time before i could even breath again, all I was aware of was pain swimming round my body as I tried to inhale, I wasn't sure if she'd broken my ribs and crushed my lungs at first and it didn't make it any easy that she stayed sat upon my chest as I struggled for breath.

'BRD, BRD, BRD - BRD IS THE WORD' she punctuated each 'brd' by beating the bottoms of her fists against my face like a drum, repeating the chorus over and over again gleefully laughing. This continues as my head slowly throbbed into a vague clarity,

'you... you're... you...' It was hard to draw air let alone speak, especially with her pounding my forehead. The pressure on my chest wasn't so bad, i was short of breath but i could breathe with effort – I started to piece together the situation, I became aware of her soft buttocks pressing against my chest, it felt strangely good as she wriggled and squirmed while she sung her song and beat me.

'you never even guessed because you stupid men think with your penis!' she bounced up and down laughing, her cheeks were soft as they compressed against my chest – instantly i felt guilty for enjoying the sensation, for imaging her feminine bottom; i started to worry that she'd realize what i was doing and then i started to panic about what she'd do to me if she knew i'd pretty much raped her.

She was still laughing, she took my head in her hands with fistfuls of hair and pulled it up so she could look me in the eye as she explained to me my situation,

'yes, i'm undercover SRS - we've been watching your every fucking move you piece of shit, you're on our shitlist.'

'but, but, why?' i stammered,

'do you remember making a post in 2007 in which you joked about a gender stereotype?'

'what? No, i mean, er, it was a long time ago, i don't know, i, uh,' she was welling a big wad of spit in her mouth as i stuttered my excuses 'i'm sorr...' she spat all over my face, i winced as the saliva began to run down my cheeks.

'of course you don't because you're a privileged fuck, it didn't even register to you' she squeezed my head 'fucking shitlord don't have to care about anything'

'no, no, that's not true, that's not me, i...' she threw my head down bouncing it off the floor before snatching it back up and pulling it hard.

'yes it's fucking you, shitlord.' she spat again 'you supported rape culture and got twenty eight point four million women raped!' she slapped me, 'you're a fucking pig, a shitlord pig!'

i didn't have an answer, how could i have an answer – she was right! i felt myself start to well up, i felt like such an idiot, such a looser, such a weakling and i was crying, sobbing, bawling, sniffling – and she was sitting atop me laughing, grinning and giggling as she wriggled about on her pert little buttocks. It dawned on me that actually if she was enjoying herself then maybe in some tiny and insignificant way I'm repaying a part of the debt men owe her? It was a stupid thought but it helped me stop crying and even put half a smile on my face, which she slapped off again sharpish and started swearing at me for thinking it's funny, i wanted to explain my thought but how could i when it was so stupid! i realized again what an idiot i was and what an asshole i was, to use my privilege and turn a punishment into a pleasure! If she was still being playful like online she'd call me 'encourageable' but unmasked as a powerful feminist i expect she'd call me the awfullest of all shitlords – and I knew she was right, i started to sob again.

She was explaining to me all my mistakes, all the things i couldn't help but do wrong because i'm a man and she was telling me that i needed to be punished on behalf of rape culture. In between sniffles and sobs i agreed with everything she said, she was still laughing and bouncing about joyfully slapping and pinching me as i cried.

'this is the thing you little shitlord,' she pulled my hair hard causing my head to crane forward until my neck ached 'your time as an internet troll is over.' she was still trying to pull further and i wondered if she hoped to pull my head right off 'you're property of BRD now, shitlord.' she laughed and clenched my head between her knees, 'you're going to pay for everything your gender has ever done to women' i couldn't see what was happened but with sudden thrust she rammed her crotch into my face and sent my head crashing hard against the floor – i tried to gasp at the pain but her loins were smothering my face, my nostrils were burred in warm, mildly metallicly hunnydew smelling cotton while warm, damp flesh forced itself over my mouth with a seal I couldn't even grunt around.

The pain in the back of my head swam in circles around my brain as my face was crushed and compressed by the weight of this wonderful woman, she'd pulled up her skirt and let it drop over my head so i was in a semi-dark and enclosed space as she ground her knicker covered crotch against my nose and chin, thankfully i was able to grab quick half-breaths of air when she began to grind her pelvis against my nose in a pivoting motion, even though it hurt my nose i was grateful for each gasp of air as it rocked and monumentally freed my mouth with each grinding bounce. i became fully aware of the rich and powerfully feminine aroma of her cunt, of the softness of her thighs pressed against my cheeks, even the bony form of her pelvis started to feel nice as it forced itself against me. She was holding the back of my head and humping my face hard, each crashing bounce bending my nose and jarring my jaw, strangely i began to feel like I was learning her body in intimate ways; the weight of her bearing down on me, the strength of her legs thrusting against me, it felt like in this sensory depraved and highly alert state I was experiencing and learning her very internal secrets... I hated myself for my perversion, for finding a way to molest her, for being what can surely only be called a rapist! I hated myself and I was glad she was punishing me, then I hated myself again for making this about me....

She clambered off my face and stood above me,

'you're fucking BRD food now shitlord' i wished she'd stop saying those things, her knickers slipped from under her skirt and fell onto my face, i didn't even have a chance to register anything else before her weight crashed down on my chest again winding me 'you're my new dilds' i felt her hands on the back of my head then her bare pussy collided with my face, the public bush was large and coarse and i gagged as it was forced into my mouth, she laughed as i thrashed around under her head still spinning and choking on the prickly hairs of her bush, she simply wrapped her legs around my head and squeezed tight as i gasped, grunted and choked into her thatched loins.

Her labia soon found my nose and began sliding itself up and down slowly parting itself and fucking itself on my face, all i could do was experience every inch of her hair covered sex in perfect close-up detail inside and out, the smell of her fresh vagina a contrast to the sweat soaked and acrid bitterness associated with her thick, sharp pubes. my head was throbbing, i thought i was going to pass out, maybe i did pass out?

Something exploded, loud crashing sounds filled my head but for once i didn't feel any pain associated with them,

'back up, feminazi!'

'wha-?' she sounded startled, her thighs clenched around my head.

'I said back the fuck up, bitch' i could just about make out the shouting but of course i couldn't see anything,

'who are you, what are you doing here?' she squeezed her thighs so hard i thought they were going to pop my head, her labia was spread wide around my nose as she forced herself hard against me, i was choked but i was too scared to breathe anyway.

'I'm the person who's come to shut you down' there was a noise i didn't recognise 'you probably know me best as Laurelais_Hygeiene' the pressure from her thighs reached a maximum and all of a sudden I was free, gasping for air and she was standing on me laughing, i barely even noticed the sharp pain from her heels, but i did glance at the doorway and was shocked to see a hopeless looking figure in an 80's style ninja costume.

'and what are you going to do, all I need do is set off this rape alarm and you'll be ending your days in a Thai prison cell!' my heart sunk, this loser was only going to make it worse for me, i wished i could downvote him out of the room.

'yeah, well isn't it a shame that I know every feminazi's biggest weakness.' the groan i let out was half in disappointment at this idiots inane and sexist ramblings but mostly because she stepped backwards onto my thigh.

There was a brief silence,

'plea....' i broke the silence trying to beg, hoping maybe she'd be more responsive now someone else was present but instead she simply screwed her heel down hard into my pelvic bone and laughed,

'we don't have any weaknesses, we've got feminism now!' behind L_H the door opened,

'oh yeah?' the ninja clad figure stepped aside to reveal a tall and broad shouldered man swaggering into the room.

'I'm KrustyKrackers,' he smiled

'and this is his cock' L_H leaned over and reached into the dudes jogging bottoms to pull out a baseball bat sized penis.

'do you like it?' his face cracked into a taunting grin as his fingers slid over the veiny shaft,

'oh my fuc....' the pressure was gone, the pain stopped, suddenly I could breathe and move freely. As my head began to clear I tried to pull myself up to a sitting position, all my muscles were so sore, by the time I'd managed to struggle up onto my feet it was all over, she was impaling her face on his huge penis and pledging to do anything, even give up the lofty goals of the female liberation movement which she was so passionate about.

I dusted myself off, L_H moved beside me,

'hey, are you all right?'

'uh, yeah, I guess, uh, thanks.'

'don't thank me' a friendly and reassuring hand fell on my shoulder, 'look, sorry you got caught up in all this' then turning awa from me and discarding the ninja-veil 'but really, this is a battle which matters to all of us.' she looked back at me, beautiful blue eyes, peach-like skin, hollywood-idealised wavy blond hair

'wha?!' I gasped in shock 'but if you're a beautiful woman then why?'

'because kid, women can still be strong even without positive-discrimination.'

epilogue;

L_H tried to get me to leave with her but when I looked down at the poor little Thai cutie all helpless and demeaned by male privileged i simply couldn't bring myself to leave her.

'you know she'll be back on the brd sooner or later,'

'I have to stay,'

'I've seen it all before, you can't wash off your white guilt simply by letting yourself be the victim of a bully'

'it's not like that,' I wished i could explain myself, it wasn't like that, not really.

'well whatever,' she patted my shoulder warmly 'if you ever want out then you know how to find me.'

'thanks' I smiled, 'but before you go, won't you let me thank KrustyKrackers?'

'oh ffs, he just had his fucking cock sucked, fucking think he's a fucking ejaculate vending machine?' she sighed, i gave her the puppy dog eyes which i hoped might one day help lead the srs-addicted little soul to redemption. 'I ain't a fucking pushover and neither she gonna be' the beautiful blond L_H nodded towards the sleeping feminist and shot me one last warning shrug before heading off into the dusty sunset.

Epiepilog;

but she paused in the doorway and looked back over her shoulder,

'ah fuck,' turning around slowly 'i'm as soppy hearted as you are' she kicked the door closed behind her,

'uh....' I didn't understand, but I didn't need to understand – her ninja coat moved aside to reveal a giant and throbbing dick.