Despite Charlie Sheen’s emphatic personal endorsement yesterday, Parks And Recreation executive producer Michael Schur has affirmed that Rob Lowe will not be replacing Sheen on Two And A Half Men, telling an audience at PaleyFest that “there’s no truth” to the rumors that Lowe was “in talks” about taking over the part, as he’s currently locked into a “multiyear contract” to remain on Parks. “The Internet lit a match and set itself on fire,” Schur said, creating his own wild speculation by joking that Lowe was also moving on to play Scott Caan’s part on Hawaii Five-0. Of course, Schur shortsightedly failed to take into account the fact that Sheen and Lowe are “buddies” or their carefully orchestrated mutual arrangement of getting “pizzaid,” so something something corporate tool Apocalypse Now reference followed by the word “sizzle.”

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