

In the weeks leading up to the airing of Sacha Baron Cohen’s show Who is America?, I warned him not to air the segment featuring me, Judge Roy Moore. We all know now that Cohen did not heed my warnings, so I’m left with no choice: I’m suing Judge Roy Moore for defaming the good character of me, Judge Roy Moore.

As I look through the history of Judge Roy Moore, it is clear that for decades he has sought to damage the reputation of me, Judge Roy Moore, by engaging in vile and reprehensible acts while carrying my name and identity. Judge Roy Moore has been accused of sexual misconduct by a total of nine women — and two of those women claim that Judge Roy Moore sexually assaulted them when they were teenagers, the youngest of which was only fourteen years old. Fourteen! Judge Roy Moore is a sick man and I’m left with no choice but to sue him in a court of law for besmirching my noble character by doing unconscionable things while being me, Judge Roy Moore.

You might think that sexual misconduct with children would be bad enough, but Judge Roy Moore didn’t stop there. Did you know that as a judge he argued that the State should use its powers to punish homosexual behavior and that engaging in homosexual acts should be grounds for losing custody of children? It’s true. I read about it on Wikipedia and I wrote the legal opinion arguing for that very thing in real life. Judge Roy Moore has even gone on record saying that transgendered people don’t have rights. Unbelievable! Judge Roy Moore is a bigot and I am aghast the he and I are the same person.

And don’t think for a minute that Judge Roy Moore’s bigotry stops with the LGBTQ community; he’s also an unabashed racist. In reference to the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which outlawed racial discrimination in voting, Judge Roy Moore claimed that they ‘created’ new rights in 1965 and “now we’ve got a problem.” Disgusting. I can’t believe that he, me, would say something so anti-democratic. It was almost as undemocratic as that time that he, again me, said Muslims should not be able to hold public office. Judge Roy Moore seems hell-bent on destroying my good image, which I have cultivated through decades of public service, racism, and improper sexual relationships with children.

As a life-long Republican I can tell you that taking personal responsibility is the cornerstone of conservative thinking. That’s why in the coming days I will be serving Judge Roy Moore, me, with a summons to appear in court and face me, Judge Roy Moore, for defaming the character of me, Judge Roy Moore. How Judge Roy Moore was able to trick me into saying things that I believe and doing things that I wanted to do will not be tolerated.

I will see you in court, Judge Roy Moore!