WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address, 5-year-old Sam Byer admitted Wednesday that it was pretty messed up that Spider-Man had chosen to entertain guests at his birthday party when he could be out saving lives. “Look, I’m glad he showed up and all, but I don’t really want to be responsible when someone’s in danger and Spider-Man isn’t there to rescue them,” said Byer, confessing that since zero people were being chased, robbed, or killed at his backyard barbecue, the masked vigilante should probably just go fight crime somewhere else. “I can’t believe he’s wasting his incredible superpowers by goofing around at a 5-year-old’s birthday party. His nemeses are out there right now destroying the world, but Spider-Man is just sitting here eating cake and taking pictures with me and my friends. Also, I don’t want to be a tattle-tell, but it’s noon on a Wednesday—shouldn’t ‘Peter’ be working his job at the [Daily] Bugle right now?” At press time, Byer expressed relief after watching Spider-Man subdue his long-time foe, Doctor Octopus, who had arrived to the party late and noticeably short of breath.

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