Just days after earning unanimous acclaim for the exciting NXT TakeOver event, the entire roster of NXT — the “developmental” league of World Wrestling Entertainment — has been slapped with a 30-day suspension after a Wellness Policy test revealed dangerously high levels of charisma and talent.

The NXT Wellness Policy — launched in order to prevent the rookie wrestlers from upstaging WWE’s main-roster talent — includes thorough tests for banned substances such as passion, cardiovascular superiority, and an innate sense for what wrestling fans want to see.

Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens in particular were singled out, getting sidelined with 60-day suspensions for what the Wellness Policy test described as “intoxicating levels of awesome.”

“We can’t have these hungry young talents making stars like main-roster Ryback look clunky by comparison,” said WWE COO Hunter Hearst Helmsley during a conference call with media. “He’s doing a fine job of that by himself.

With the entire NXT locker room now on unpaid hiatus, WWE can focus its efforts on giving fans what they truly want: a Stairs Match to settle a feud that makes no sense, and something involving a midget in a bull costume.

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