iS.zemotion Profile Blog Joined February 2011 United States 245 Posts Last Edited: 2013-11-14 21:22:17 #1



But it keeps gnawing at me, when I saw Temp0 talk about how he's been on iS for a year, I felt so so terrible. He's been so awesome at repping us this whole time and we've only slowly gone inactive, my cowardice didn't let me put a proper closure on things.



So here it is. A little bit of everything, from how and why I started iS, highlights, memories, experiences, my failures, and goodbyes.



Fair warning for length and fragmented thoughts but I'll do my best.





Jan/Feb 2011

The Very Beginning



I'm a little embarrassed to talk about how iS came about in the very beginning, but I need to lay that out in order to explain how I got into SC2 at all, so... Long story short, I picked up the game because of an ex. After we broke up, I stayed in Toronto alone for a few months and was epically depressed for three month. During this time I didn't want to think about work or anything that made me think about my loser life, so I spent all my time on SC2 -- chatting with random people when the chat channels were newly introduced, learning how to play the game, doing team games, etc.



Slowly I made some friends, and with some of the guys I hung out with regularly (Adam and Ted!!), we decided to start a clan because we were (I was/am) competitive and it seemed like it would be fun to do clan wars.



To give a little background, I was a competitive air rifle shooter for 6 years in Singapore. Both my parents were and are still in sports, I grew up knowing people who'd won medals at the Olympics. To me, maybe it was that upbringing, maybe it's just me being Asian, it's sort of ingrained in me that if I were to do something, anything, I should aspire to be the best.



I'm not going to go on a spiel about my time in air rifle or my feelings for it, but Olympics was once my dream, and even if that, painfully, didn't fly, I didn't stop dreaming when I worked on other things.





Mar 2011

Making the Team



Initially, we stayed casual and sometimes played clan wars vs others. But even then we wanted to try recruit the best people we could at that level. So I posted for tryouts on my Facebook/Twitter etc, friends of the clan spread word about it, and sometimes players grabbed people from ladder.



Wolf came along after seeing my FB post and casted for us for a while, we had some people join in the clan chat via his stream.



One of the guys was Pesh (Detox), who'd managed some amateur and semi-pro teams in WC3. After talking for some time I asked him join us as a manager.



He brought along his ex-teammate owmygroin (our first GM player!), and went on to scout for us for the next two years, before leaving for med school.



At that time Pesh was working on a team league called SGL (Starcraft II Gaming League) and roped us into playing in it as well.



I wasn't sure we were ready to compete even on an amateur, much less semi-pro level. But everyone starts somewhere right? So we named ourselves Infinity Seven and played in a few amateur/semi-pro team leagues like SGL and ESEA. And god, that was so much fun.



For context, I've pretty much never fit in at school past the age of 12. Never really been part of prolonged group activities. In air rifle I was isolated because my mum was my coach, and in school I was asleep half the time because training daily was tiring. So this, spending time with the team in SC2, as much as people I worked with would judge me for, was absolutely precious to me.





July 2011

MLG Anaheim



Our first event with almost the full team was MLG Anaheim, June 2011, with Edge, daisuki, owmygroin and Noctis. jEcho was supposed to be there too but his flight was cancelled and cancelled again, in the end he couldn't make it and that made us all super sad. But that aside, it was my first live event and everything else together chalked it up to an incredible experience.



Staff taking care of the players, being on the floor and watching the them play, cheering them on… worrying about matchups and technical issues. Just… it was such an amazing feeling to be part of something that felt like family.



At Anaheim I also met up with Kim Rom who was then at SteelSeries and gave us a sponsorship. Kim, thank you for taking a chance with us when we were literally nobody at all.



And of course deviantART and ScienceWerk too, who gave us their support. Thank you! <3



I also took my





Sept-Oct, 2011

Signing CrazymoviNG and Mentalist, IEM New York



In September we signed CrazymoviNG and Mentalist. CrazymoviNG was introduced by our friends Sung and ShAKieL, and Mentalist was recommended by the super nice HwangSin. Most of the team's activities still focused on team leagues since pragmatically speaking, we definitely weren't good enough to be winning offline tournaments, besides, I think we all enjoyed the bonding and fun with clan wars.



But regardless, we bugged and encouraged the players to play in the online cups and qualifiers and had so much fun watching streams together and cheering them on.



Mid-October, Edge made IEM New York which was the first time we made it into a major tournament's main bracket. He didn't make it out of Ro16, but it was still a huge break for us and meant a great deal to me.





Code A Qualifiers



End October CrazymoviNG and Mentalist attempted to qualify for GSL Code A November. CrazymoviNG made it.



I was in LA at that time and I remember staying up through the night to get text updates on the live results from the both of them and jesus, it was terrifying like waiting for my own school admission results.



I was so devastated when I read that Mentalist was knocked out by InCa in the final round of his qualifiers. He was the sweetest guy ever and so fucking hardworking, and then losing 2-1 after being being so so close… it was absolutely heartbreaking.



Then, word came that CrazymoviNG made it, and I just… that roller-coaster of feelings, oh my god, I don't think words can express what and how I felt. I'd probably liken it to how I'd feel if I got to shoot for Vogue or something. Just. What qualifying for GSL meant to a player… Insane. No words can express the hugeness of it.





Nov 2011

CrazymoviNG in Code A, NASL S2 Open



CrazymoviNG drew HerO who had just been picked up by Liquid for his first round in Code A, probably one of the most formidable opponents he could've had. And for a player who only played a few games a day, watching him practice the hardest ever in those weeks leading up to the match was nothing short of touching.



The day came, he started off with a quick and beautifully played win in game 1, HerO remained in the game till his supply was zero. Game 2 had a great opening and he'd pretty much had it, but nerves, probably, and one bad move, it cost the game. He couldn't come back in game 3.



It meant so much to him and was so devastated that he couldn't play in his lower bracket finals in NASL S2 Open later that day. To make it worse, though we were told scheduling would be flexible, the organisers wouldn't reschedule -- so he passed up the possibility of a chance to play in the NASL2 finals. Which, I know the GSL loss hurt, but I wished he could have played.



I've won and lost myself as a shooter, too. It's hard, really fucking hard. And I wish the language barrier was less, I wish I could have done more, but there was only so much I could convey and so much I could say. I wish he could've stood up from where he fell.





Dec 2011



After Code A, I sent money for CrazymoviNG to get a new computer so he could stream. Partially in hopes of helping his income eventually if he could build up a regular following, partially in hopes of him playing more and being encouraged if he could feel the support of his fans regularly.



I spoke to Victor (Nazgul) about featuring his stream on TL, and the guys were super kind as to approve it. The rules were pretty strict about it back then, top major tournament placements or major teams, we were neither really, and I was and still am super grateful of the chance they gave us.





Feb 2012

Edge Leaves iS



I always considered Edge our first ace player. He'd also been with us the longest at that point. There were a lot of memories, and a pity (as it always is) to see a wonderful player go.





March 2012

MLG Columbus



CrazymoviNG finished top 20 at MLC Columbus. For the first time I saw one of our players on the main stage (2-0 SaSe) and… pride… feelings. Man, words were not enough to express them. ._.





Axslav, Mentalist



We picked up Axslav early March and sadly watched Mentalist depart. With army service looming ahead, Mentalist wanted to have a chance to play more tournaments in Korea (the KSL team league was around then and he could rep ZeNEX), so we let him go.





Real Life



At this point (earlier or later, I can't pinpoint the exact time, it happened gradually), I had finally picked myself up from being super depressed (or so I thought, more on that later). I moved back to Singapore and after not focusing very much on my photography career for a whole year, I decided it was time to start doing something about it again.



But timing was an issue. Already, with SC2, it was like working a full-time job with lots of overtime and stress and bad sleep schedule.



Adding photography as a focus back into my life demanded even more time and attention, I did it slowly, and I don't think I could've survived the transition without then co-manager Solo (tuxedomask). So thank you Solo! You're awesome.



For a while things carried on the same way with Solo doing the bulk of the work in managing, and we continued to go more events and I did my best to try make time for the team.



I was glad to have been able to attend WCS USA and NA Finals to see Insur take 3rd and 5th respectively. But with the added time difference of me being back in Singapore once live events were over, it was almost impossible to spend time with and on the team if I wanted to go back to photography.



Solo managed the team for quite a while more in my frequent absence before finally having to leave due to family.





July 2012

1st place ESEA



We came 1st place in ESEA with an undefeated record of 20-0. So fucking proud of everyone, the roster included Axslav, CrazymoviNG, Insur, jEcho, Pyre and Sanddbox, and even Solo played a match. You guys rock. <3





Aug 2012



In attempt to keep the team managed I posted on Reddit for volunteers who may be interested in helping. But because I figured no one was going spend as much time as Pesh, Solo and I did, I tried to get more people. Sadly, as the saying goes, too many cooks spoil the soup. I ended up with getting perhaps too many people with not enough time to accomplish what they were assigned to do. And with more people to keep track of, it was harder work for the general managers and so… things got delayed time and time again.





Sept 2012

Depression



I reach a horrible point in my depression (it didn't go away after all) and the pressure from feeling like a failure got me super suicidal.



I felt like I'd spent all my life failing and I was making no contributions to society whatsoever. It was so bad I considered quitting photography. And I thought if I quit photography, what else could I be good at? If I couldn't contribute to society in any way, then what was I alive for? Might as well save resources for the planet and be gone.



It felt like nothing I did ever went right in the big picture. I was terrible with relationships, family, friends, boyfriends; I couldn't seem to hold on to anyone.



I tried so hard for air rifle for 6 years. I broke a record at Commonwealth Shooting Championships against an Olympics contender in Melbourne in 2005. Yet I couldn't stay on the team in the end because I wasn't strong enough for the shit that were happening.



I quit school twice. It made for good editorial stories/interviews, but people judged and there were times, not that i felt inadequate for the lack of education, but I felt that really, I was just a loser and quitter who was just looking for the easy way out instead of combating something I couldn't overcome.



I loathed myself.



I tried hard for iS, I really did, I felt like it was my heart and soul and I hoped it was possible to see people I worked hard with reach the top one day as my mum was able to do for me as a shooter, it didn't happen.



Players quit when they got tired, when they met setbacks, when they lost interest, it was out of my control. They didn't grow up with the sort of discipline and dream and training I had and I was wrong to assume we might be motivated and self-driven the same way, or that I could possibly inspire this in others.



I couldn't lead as good leaders could, I tried and I don't know if the only thing that was missing was simply enough money to sign pro players who would be diligent in their own training and professionalism and didn't need the nagging for more practice or to play in qualifiers; or was it perhaps simply bad luck, or a combination, I don't know, I wish I knew/know what I could have done better.



It hurt to see Edge leave, hurt to see CrazymoviNG, Noctis, Time, jEcho, Insur, one by one stop playing.



It's a reminder of how I was failing each and every time, a reminder of how just like CrazymoviNG, I couldn't carry on in air rifle even though I was doing so well. A reminder of my weakness, my inability to overcome obstacles, my cowardice each time I did well at something and I quit, my failures.





The team had a story because of the players. We went through so so much together. It was the first time I experienced something akin to what I'd imagine family is like in my life.



It hurt, it hurt in so many different ways in so many different places. It cut and cut like walking across broken glass.





But in the end, because I am, ironically, an optimist, I decided to give one last shot at seeing a psychiatrist to see if someone could help me before I really, well, killed myself or something.



It helped.





Long story short I suffered traumatic stress from air rifle days amongst a couple other things from the way I grew up. It was obscenely expensive but I figured hey, if that's the price of my sanity, the charity donations after my death can be increased and wait a few years.



I eventually felt better.



But during this whole period of therapy, and before and after, I'd stayed away from SC2 so much that the team was run almost completely by our new managers Anele and Katie alone. They did as much as they could, but with the changes brought forth by WCS and diminished number of LAN tournaments, players lost motivation, morale fell. It was hard to recruit too, what good NA players had were more or less on teams and it was hard negotiating contracts if it came up without me around. Plus I hadn't worked much in a long while, so I wasn't exactly in a spot to spend more money than before on untested players either. It wasn't going anywhere.



We last met up together in Anaheim 2013. It's like coming a full circle, 2011 to now, back at Anaheim.



It was so much fun hanging out with the guys together, seeing everyone, bonding over Korean BBQ. But SC2 was in a small corner now, you could feel the change. What did it was probably the cancellation of SC2 at Columbus. It's out of our control, it was what it was. We had been hovering and breaking apart bit by bit for a long while now…



But now that I'm better, mentally and emotionally, I think maybe, I could see it less as a waste of time and a 2-year detour I took in my life and appreciate it more as a invaluable experience.



I still wish I could've been better, could've been stronger, could've done less wrongs, more rights. But it's what it is, part of my growing up, becoming stronger, becoming better.





To My Team



To all the players, thank you for being with iS. To all the staff, your help and time and support are so so much appreciated.



There were happiness and joy, tears and frustration, and I appreciate each and every one of you, all of you. Thank you for being a part of the family.





People in SC2



I met so many cool and awesome people in SC2, some I can even call friends!



Thank you Chris, Greg and Dario for being my sounding board for so many things. You guys can be pretty cool (haha kidding, you totally are). I'm glad to have met you.



Thank you Sean/Day9 for being my Oprah. I'd have broken down countless times if not for your supportive words and funny anecdotes and solutions to my 10000 dilemmas while I attempted to live through the harshness of New York City.



Victor for your early support in iS, you totally rock. <3



Friends of iS, who checked in pretty often and helped out and cheered us on, I super appreciate that you cared about the team. Thank you. (Shoutout to HwangSin, Sung, ShAKieL, AresEffort, Brad, Jeff, Won Tae, thank you!!)



Thank you Alex Garfield, ESFI and Sean (again!) for having me do some photography in eSports. I am happy we had a chance to work together.



The TL guys for writing about us now and then, nicely.



And EG guys for generally being pretty awesome all round, and the steaks.



Gunrun and Eleine for sorting out all the stream stuff whenever the players needed help. You guys work hard! Thank you.



And of course Nick and Alex for being such great roommates, I'm so sorry you guys are going to have to leave. We should've had more house parties and board game nights but we all worked too much.



Last but not least the iS supporters and fans! You guys are the best. Thank you for tuning in to our streams and cheering us on. Words can't express how awesome it is every time I see or hear about someone sporting an iS jersey in support of the team. Thank you guys for all the love. <3 <3 <3







And that's about it, I think.



My memory's kind of spotty probably due to hitting my head as a kid.



Nevertheless, I wanted to make it as short as possible, and even then I guess it's still a bit longish so umm, if anyone actually read the whole thing, damn, thank you. =D



And and thank you Blizzard for making such an awesome game! Cinematics team, you'll always be my favourite!! :D :D :D





Oh and one last thing I guess, what will happen to iS now: the team will cease and we will return back to a clan of sort, players and staff who want to keep to the tag have been welcomed to, and we'll still hang out and chat like we did. It will always be family.





Yours truly and sincerely,



Jingna



TL;DR: I had a clan, I made it a team. We had a good run but I could keep it together due to numerous reasons. I wish I could've done better. Writing this for catharsis, and to thank everyone, and to have a proper closure of sort. Thank you for reading. :D



PS: Holy crap 3500 words. That's like the longest thing I've ever written. o_o







Infinity Seven:















For a long time I've contemplated writing something like this, but I've thought maybe it's better to let everything go quietly, maybe it's a better idea to not talk about it at all, maybe no one cares, maybe… a lot of things.But it keeps gnawing at me, when I saw Temp0 talk about how he's been on iS for a year, I felt so so terrible. He's been so awesome at repping us this whole time and we've only slowly gone inactive, my cowardice didn't let me put a proper closure on things.So here it is. A little bit of everything, from how and why I started iS, highlights, memories, experiences, my failures, and goodbyes.Fair warning for length and fragmented thoughts but I'll do my best.I'm a little embarrassed to talk about how iS came about in the very beginning, but I need to lay that out in order to explain how I got into SC2 at all, so... Long story short, I picked up the game because of an ex. After we broke up, I stayed in Toronto alone for a few months and was epically depressed for three month. During this time I didn't want to think about work or anything that made me think about my loser life, so I spent all my time on SC2 -- chatting with random people when the chat channels were newly introduced, learning how to play the game, doing team games, etc.Slowly I made some friends, and with some of the guys I hung out with regularly (Adam and Ted!!), we decided to start a clan because we were (I was/am) competitive and it seemed like it would be fun to do clan wars.To give a little background, I was a competitive air rifle shooter for 6 years in Singapore. Both my parents were and are still in sports, I grew up knowing people who'd won medals at the Olympics. To me, maybe it was that upbringing, maybe it's just me being Asian, it's sort of ingrained in me that if I were to do something, anything, I should aspire to be the best.I'm not going to go on a spiel about my time in air rifle or my feelings for it, but Olympics was once my dream, and even if that, painfully, didn't fly, I didn't stop dreaming when I worked on other things.Initially, we stayed casual and sometimes played clan wars vs others. But even then we wanted to try recruit the best people we could at that level. So I posted for tryouts on my Facebook/Twitter etc, friends of the clan spread word about it, and sometimes players grabbed people from ladder.Wolf came along after seeing my FB post and casted for us for a while, we had some people join in the clan chat via his stream.One of the guys was Pesh (Detox), who'd managed some amateur and semi-pro teams in WC3. After talking for some time I asked him join us as a manager.He brought along his ex-teammate owmygroin (our first GM player!), and went on to scout for us for the next two years, before leaving for med school.At that time Pesh was working on a team league called SGL (Starcraft II Gaming League) and roped us into playing in it as well.I wasn't sure we were ready to compete even on an amateur, much less semi-pro level. But everyone starts somewhere right? So we named ourselves Infinity Seven and played in a few amateur/semi-pro team leagues like SGL and ESEA. And god, that was so much fun.For context, I've pretty much never fit in at school past the age of 12. Never really been part of prolonged group activities. In air rifle I was isolated because my mum was my coach, and in school I was asleep half the time because training daily was tiring. So this, spending time with the team in SC2, as much as people I worked with would judge me for, was absolutely precious to me.Our first event with almost the full team was MLG Anaheim, June 2011, with Edge, daisuki, owmygroin and Noctis. jEcho was supposed to be there too but his flight was cancelled and cancelled again, in the end he couldn't make it and that made us all super sad. But that aside, it was my first live event and everything else together chalked it up to an incredible experience.Staff taking care of the players, being on the floor and watching the them play, cheering them on… worrying about matchups and technical issues. Just… it was such an amazing feeling to be part of something that felt like family.At Anaheim I also met up with Kim Rom who was then at SteelSeries and gave us a sponsorship. Kim, thank you for taking a chance with us when we were literally nobody at all.And of course deviantART and ScienceWerk too, who gave us their support. Thank you! <3I also took my Day9 for president photo there! Which, a picture I'm proud of and happy that people like. =DIn September we signed CrazymoviNG and Mentalist. CrazymoviNG was introduced by our friends Sung and ShAKieL, and Mentalist was recommended by the super nice HwangSin. Most of the team's activities still focused on team leagues since pragmatically speaking, we definitely weren't good enough to be winning offline tournaments, besides, I think we all enjoyed the bonding and fun with clan wars.But regardless, we bugged and encouraged the players to play in the online cups and qualifiers and had so much fun watching streams together and cheering them on.Mid-October, Edge made IEM New York which was the first time we made it into a major tournament's main bracket. He didn't make it out of Ro16, but it was still a huge break for us and meant a great deal to me.End October CrazymoviNG and Mentalist attempted to qualify for GSL Code A November. CrazymoviNG made it.I was in LA at that time and I remember staying up through the night to get text updates on the live results from the both of them and jesus, it was terrifying like waiting for my own school admission results.I was so devastated when I read that Mentalist was knocked out by InCa in the final round of his qualifiers. He was the sweetest guy ever and so fucking hardworking, and then losing 2-1 after being being so so close… it was absolutely heartbreaking.Then, word came that CrazymoviNG made it, and I just… that roller-coaster of feelings, oh my god, I don't think words can express what and how I felt. I'd probably liken it to how I'd feel if I got to shoot for Vogue or something. Just. What qualifying for GSL meant to a player… Insane. No words can express the hugeness of it.CrazymoviNG drew HerO who had just been picked up by Liquid for his first round in Code A, probably one of the most formidable opponents he could've had. And for a player who only played a few games a day, watching him practice the hardest ever in those weeks leading up to the match was nothing short of touching.The day came, he started off with a quick and beautifully played win in game 1, HerO remained in the game till his supply was zero. Game 2 had a great opening and he'd pretty much had it, but nerves, probably, and one bad move, it cost the game. He couldn't come back in game 3.It meant so much to him and was so devastated that he couldn't play in his lower bracket finals in NASL S2 Open later that day. To make it worse, though we were told scheduling would be flexible, the organisers wouldn't reschedule -- so he passed up the possibility of a chance to play in the NASL2 finals. Which, I know the GSL loss hurt, but I wished he could have played.I've won and lost myself as a shooter, too. It's hard, really fucking hard. And I wish the language barrier was less, I wish I could have done more, but there was only so much I could convey and so much I could say. I wish he could've stood up from where he fell.After Code A, I sent money for CrazymoviNG to get a new computer so he could stream. Partially in hopes of helping his income eventually if he could build up a regular following, partially in hopes of him playing more and being encouraged if he could feel the support of his fans regularly.I spoke to Victor (Nazgul) about featuring his stream on TL, and the guys were super kind as to approve it. The rules were pretty strict about it back then, top major tournament placements or major teams, we were neither really, and I was and still am super grateful of the chance they gave us.I always considered Edge our first ace player. He'd also been with us the longest at that point. There were a lot of memories, and a pity (as it always is) to see a wonderful player go.CrazymoviNG finished top 20 at MLC Columbus. For the first time I saw one of our players on the main stage (2-0 SaSe) and… pride… feelings. Man, words were not enough to express them. ._.We picked up Axslav early March and sadly watched Mentalist depart. With army service looming ahead, Mentalist wanted to have a chance to play more tournaments in Korea (the KSL team league was around then and he could rep ZeNEX), so we let him go.At this point (earlier or later, I can't pinpoint the exact time, it happened gradually), I had finally picked myself up from being super depressed (or so I thought, more on that later). I moved back to Singapore and after not focusing very much on my photography career for a whole year, I decided it was time to start doing something about it again.But timing was an issue. Already, with SC2, it was like working a full-time job with lots of overtime and stress and bad sleep schedule.Adding photography as a focus back into my life demanded even more time and attention, I did it slowly, and I don't think I could've survived the transition without then co-manager Solo (tuxedomask). So thank you Solo! You're awesome.For a while things carried on the same way with Solo doing the bulk of the work in managing, and we continued to go more events and I did my best to try make time for the team.I was glad to have been able to attend WCS USA and NA Finals to see Insur take 3rd and 5th respectively. But with the added time difference of me being back in Singapore once live events were over, it was almost impossible to spend time with and on the team if I wanted to go back to photography.Solo managed the team for quite a while more in my frequent absence before finally having to leave due to family.We came 1st place in ESEA with an undefeated record of 20-0. So fucking proud of everyone, the roster included Axslav, CrazymoviNG, Insur, jEcho, Pyre and Sanddbox, and even Solo played a match. You guys rock. <3In attempt to keep the team managed I posted on Reddit for volunteers who may be interested in helping. But because I figured no one was going spend as much time as Pesh, Solo and I did, I tried to get more people. Sadly, as the saying goes, too many cooks spoil the soup. I ended up with getting perhaps too many people with not enough time to accomplish what they were assigned to do. And with more people to keep track of, it was harder work for the general managers and so… things got delayed time and time again.I reach a horrible point in my depression (it didn't go away after all) and the pressure from feeling like a failure got me super suicidal.I felt like I'd spent all my life failing and I was making no contributions to society whatsoever. It was so bad I considered quitting photography. And I thought if I quit photography, what else could I be good at? If I couldn't contribute to society in any way, then what was I alive for? Might as well save resources for the planet and be gone.It felt like nothing I did ever went right in the big picture. I was terrible with relationships, family, friends, boyfriends; I couldn't seem to hold on to anyone.I tried so hard for air rifle for 6 years. I broke a record at Commonwealth Shooting Championships against an Olympics contender in Melbourne in 2005. Yet I couldn't stay on the team in the end because I wasn't strong enough for the shit that were happening.I quit school twice. It made for good editorial stories/interviews, but people judged and there were times, not that i felt inadequate for the lack of education, but I felt that really, I was just a loser and quitter who was just looking for the easy way out instead of combating something I couldn't overcome.I loathed myself.I tried hard for iS, I really did, I felt like it was my heart and soul and I hoped it was possible to see people I worked hard with reach the top one day as my mum was able to do for me as a shooter, it didn't happen.Players quit when they got tired, when they met setbacks, when they lost interest, it was out of my control. They didn't grow up with the sort of discipline and dream and training I had and I was wrong to assume we might be motivated and self-driven the same way, or that I could possibly inspire this in others.I couldn't lead as good leaders could, I tried and I don't know if the only thing that was missing was simply enough money to sign pro players who would be diligent in their own training and professionalism and didn't need the nagging for more practice or to play in qualifiers; or was it perhaps simply bad luck, or a combination, I don't know, I wish I knew/know what I could have done better.It hurt to see Edge leave, hurt to see CrazymoviNG, Noctis, Time, jEcho, Insur, one by one stop playing.It's a reminder of how I was failing each and every time, a reminder of how just like CrazymoviNG, I couldn't carry on in air rifle even though I was doing so well. A reminder of my weakness, my inability to overcome obstacles, my cowardice each time I did well at something and I quit, my failures.The team had a story because of the players. We went through so so much together. It was the first time I experienced something akin to what I'd imagine family is like in my life.It hurt, it hurt in so many different ways in so many different places. It cut and cut like walking across broken glass.But in the end, because I am, ironically, an optimist, I decided to give one last shot at seeing a psychiatrist to see if someone could help me before I really, well, killed myself or something.It helped.Long story short I suffered traumatic stress from air rifle days amongst a couple other things from the way I grew up. It was obscenely expensive but I figured hey, if that's the price of my sanity, the charity donations after my death can be increased and wait a few years.I eventually felt better.But during this whole period of therapy, and before and after, I'd stayed away from SC2 so much that the team was run almost completely by our new managers Anele and Katie alone. They did as much as they could, but with the changes brought forth by WCS and diminished number of LAN tournaments, players lost motivation, morale fell. It was hard to recruit too, what good NA players had were more or less on teams and it was hard negotiating contracts if it came up without me around. Plus I hadn't worked much in a long while, so I wasn't exactly in a spot to spend more money than before on untested players either. It wasn't going anywhere.We last met up together in Anaheim 2013. It's like coming a full circle, 2011 to now, back at Anaheim.It was so much fun hanging out with the guys together, seeing everyone, bonding over Korean BBQ. But SC2 was in a small corner now, you could feel the change. What did it was probably the cancellation of SC2 at Columbus. It's out of our control, it was what it was. We had been hovering and breaking apart bit by bit for a long while now…But now that I'm better, mentally and emotionally, I think maybe, I could see it less as a waste of time and a 2-year detour I took in my life and appreciate it more as a invaluable experience.I still wish I could've been better, could've been stronger, could've done less wrongs, more rights. But it's what it is, part of my growing up, becoming stronger, becoming better.To all the players, thank you for being with iS. To all the staff, your help and time and support are so so much appreciated.There were happiness and joy, tears and frustration, and I appreciate each and every one of you, all of you. Thank you for being a part of the family.I met so many cool and awesome people in SC2, some I can even call friends!Thank you Chris, Greg and Dario for being my sounding board for so many things. You guys can be pretty cool (haha kidding, you totally are). I'm glad to have met you.Thank you Sean/Day9 for being my Oprah. I'd have broken down countless times if not for your supportive words and funny anecdotes and solutions to my 10000 dilemmas while I attempted to live through the harshness of New York City.Victor for your early support in iS, you totally rock. <3Friends of iS, who checked in pretty often and helped out and cheered us on, I super appreciate that you cared about the team. Thank you. (Shoutout to HwangSin, Sung, ShAKieL, AresEffort, Brad, Jeff, Won Tae, thank you!!)Thank you Alex Garfield, ESFI and Sean (again!) for having me do some photography in eSports. I am happy we had a chance to work together.The TL guys for writing about us now and then, nicely.And EG guys for generally being pretty awesome all round, and the steaks.Gunrun and Eleine for sorting out all the stream stuff whenever the players needed help. You guys work hard! Thank you.And of course Nick and Alex for being such great roommates, I'm so sorry you guys are going to have to leave. We should've had more house parties and board game nights but we all worked too much.Last but not least the iS supporters and fans! You guys are the best. Thank you for tuning in to our streams and cheering us on. Words can't express how awesome it is every time I see or hear about someone sporting an iS jersey in support of the team. Thank you guys for all the love. <3 <3 <3And that's about it, I think.My memory's kind of spotty probably due to hitting my head as a kid.Nevertheless, I wanted to make it as short as possible, and even then I guess it's still a bit longish so umm, if anyone actually read the whole thing, damn, thank you. =DAnd and thank you Blizzard for making such an awesome game! Cinematics team, you'll always be my favourite!! :D :D :DOh and one last thing I guess, what will happen to iS now: the team will cease and we will return back to a clan of sort, players and staff who want to keep to the tag have been welcomed to, and we'll still hang out and chat like we did. It will always be family.Yours truly and sincerely,Jingna: I had a clan, I made it a team. We had a good run but I could keep it together due to numerous reasons. I wish I could've done better. Writing this for catharsis, and to thank everyone, and to have a proper closure of sort. Thank you for reading. :DPS: Holy crap 3500 words. That's like the longest thing I've ever written. o_o Players:



Axslav, BBQplox, Binski, CrazymoviNG, daisuki, Edge, HonoR, Insur, jEcho, KoMA, Maker, Mentalist, Mike, owmygroin, Pyre, Sanddbox, Taurent, Tbeezy, Time, TriMaster, TubbyTheFat



Staff:



Alpesh, Anele, Brad, Boudi, Katie, Marshall, Nic, Thundertoss, Solo, Torte de Lini, Yankun, Zoia, and me!



Sponsors:



deviantART, SteelSeries, GGWP Apparel, ScienceWerk



Thank you everyone.



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