IMO, most bodyswap episodes of shows are terrible



This is an homage to one of the very few exceptions



Hope y’all enjoy.



It was all Marco could do to prevent himself from screaming at the sight before him.

It was strange. It was unnatural. It was wrong. It went against everything Marco had grown up with in his 15 years of life.

For a second, he wondered if he should say anything. Maybe there was some kind of mistake-something he wasn’t getting. Maybe this was all a strange hallucination.

But finally, he opened his mouth and let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Pony Head,” he said, “Fragalok is not a word.”

“What?” the blue floating horse head spat. “You’re challenging me?”

“Look,” Marco said, “I was willing to let Yig slip. Qeart not so much, but I looked past it. But Pony Head, this is a step too far. This is Scrabble. There are rules.”

Pony Head narrowed her eyes and snorted, looking Marco dead in the eyes. “Earth Turd, I’ll have you know that ‘Fragalok’ is a very important word in the Pony Head Kingdom, and if you think you can challenge me, I’ll-“

“Oh really?” Marco interjected. “What’s it mean?”

Pony Head stopped mid-sentence, and her eyes began to shift rapidly. “Why would you ask me such a dumb question? It means, uh… lamp! Yeah, it’s a fancy kind of lamp.”

“You made that up!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did-“

Princess Star Butterfly, heir to the throne of Mewni, groaned as she leaned back into her chair. She’d survived Toffee. She’d traveled to the realm of magic. She’d sat through three of her father’s lectures on throne posture. But this-watching her friends argue over a word Pony Head had clearly made up in a game Marco was already winning by a hundred and thirty three points… this was unbearable.

“Alright,” Star said as she stood up suddenly, “I’m getting a drink while you two figure this out. Either of you want anything?”

“Sure,” Pony Head said through clenched teeth, “I’ll have some Qeart.”

“You made that up too!”

“Did not!”

Shuddering, Star exited the room as quickly as possible and slammed the door behind her. With a heavy sigh, she pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. Without question, this was the last time she was going to let Marco pick out a game for Friendship Thursday.

Putting the argument out of her mind, she stepped forward and began making her way to the Royal Soda Fridge down the hall. Opening it and picking out two cans of Qeart, she closed the door, spun on her heel, and began walking back, mentally preparing herself for what she believed to be the two most likely eventualities: that Marco and Pony Head would still be arguing, or that they’d both be dead on the floor.

“Alright,” she said as she opened the door, “How about we…”

She stopped and stared, mouth agape, as she took in the sight of Pony Head and Marco rolling on the floor screaming hysterically.

“Uh….”

Marco’s body twisted and rolled around on the floor, flopping onto his back before staring at Star. “B-FLY,” he screamed, “YOU HAVE TO HELP ME”

“What-“

“I HAVE ARMS”

“Wha-“

“STAR HELP” Pony Head shouted from across the room, “I CAN’T MOVE AND EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE SPARKLES”

Star could only continue to stare, unable to process the scene that was playing out before her. As she watched, Marco continued to flail helplessly, kicking over the scrabble board and scattering a shower of wooden letter tiles across the floor, while Pony Head rapidly flopped back and forth on the ground.

Her head pounding with stress, Star felt as though she was a half-step away from joining her friends in their hysterical screaming. Kneeling down, she grabbed Marco’s arm and tried to hold him still. “Just-just stop! Stop moving, and tell me what happened!”

Marco stopped and looked up at her, confused. “Marco? I’m not… wait…”

Marco looked down at his body, his eyes widening in horror. “Oh no OH NO”

As Star buried her face in her hands, the screaming resumed.

“Okay,” she said, trying desperately to keep her voice even, “I left for two minutes. TWO MINUTES. So, would you both please calm down and tell me what happened?”

Marco’s body sighed. “Well Earth Turd wouldn’t shut up about Fragaphone not being a word or whatever-“

“It was Fragarok! And it’s not!”

“MARCO.”

“Sorry Star.”

“ANYWAY,” Marco’s body continued, “I tried to pull out my dictionary, and this weird mirror I st-I borrowed fell out. Marco and I grabbed it, and then everything went weird.”

Star looked up. There, lying on top of the scrabble board, was a small, round mirror. Cautiously, Star wrapped her hand around a discarded sock and gingerly walked over, leaned down, and picked it up. For a moment, she looked at herself reflected against the highly-polished surface-and, taken aback, nearly dropped the mirror when she saw Pony Head reflected behind her, right where Marco’s body was lying.

Star turned to face her friend. “Pony Head, where did you find this?” she said, utterly shocked.

Below, Marco’s body scrunched up in what Star could only assume was an attempt at a shrug from someone who was unused to possessing shoulders. “I dunno, it was with my dad’s junk. I needed a mirror, it’s not like he’d care.”

Star turned back to the mirror, and to her surprise found an inscription along the edge. “Whichever two shall touch the Mirror of Benda,” Star began reading, “will find their souls forever transplanted, never to return to their original bodies.”

Star rolled her eyes and glared at Marco’s body. “Pony Head, this mirror was clearly cursed!”

“Well how was I supposed to know!” Marco’s body shouted back.

“YOU COULD HAVE JUST READ THE DANG-“

“MARCO!” Star shouted, rubbing her temples, “That is ENOUGH YELLING.”

Pony Head’s head sighed. “Sorry again, Star, I’m just… not exactly thrilled about the prospect of living out the rest of my life as a disembodied horse head.”

“Hey, you think I’m happy about this?” Marco’s body shot back. “Like heck I want to stay in your stinky, sweaty body.”

Star looked down at the mirror and bit her lip. “Okay… so it says that you can’t switch back… but maybe we can get around it somehow? Like, if I switch with Marco, and Marco switches with Pony Head…”

“Uh, Star,” Marco said, “I appreciate the thought, but I think we should probably ask your mom first.”

“NO WAY.” Pony Head shouted. “If my dad finds out I’ve been taking things from his royal pile of stuff, he’s gonna freak. No, Star, you got this, let’s go!”

Star shrugged. “Well, here goes nothing!”

Cautiously, she took the mirror in her bare hand, leaned down, and touched it to Marco’s boooooooddddyyyyyyyy-

Star gasped as she opened her eyes, and found herself staring up at the ceiling. Looking to her right, she saw her own body flop down to the floor in a flurry of flailing limbs.

Shakily, Star stood up off the ground and looked down at herself, and at her hands. Red hoodie. Blue pants. Tan complexion. She could feel her knees trembling and sweat building on her palms as a wave of nausea washed over her.

Through sheer determination, Star forced every alien sensation from her mind and focused on the mirror, now tightly clutched in the grip of what moments ago had been her own body.

“AAAHHHH B-FLY THIS IS… not as bad, actually.” Star heard her own voice say.

It was, to put it lightly, a surreal moment.

All the same, Star rolled her eyes at Pony Head’s theatrics. “Glad you enjoy it,” she said, and paused. For a moment, she was taken aback by the deeper, marginally more masculine voice emanating from her throat-but there was no time to focus on that now. “Now can we get you back in your own body?”

“Oh trust me, the sooner I’m back in my body and Earth Turd’s out of it, the happier I’ll be.”

Incredulously, Star watched as her body flopped over onto its stomach and began slowly crawling towards Pony Head (Or would it be Marco? Star’s brain was hurting just thinking about it).

“Staaaaaar,” Pony Head whined, “I need help! How do you even deal with all these limbs and stuff?”

Star groaned, and walked over to Pony Head. It was awkward-Marco wasn’t much taller than she was, but the difference still required minor adjustments in her movements and positioning. Reaching down, she lifted her body off the ground and carried her to Pony Head, who was currently wearing an expression of impatience and annoyance that could have only come from Marco.

“Alright, can we hurry this up? I want my legs back and I want them now.”

Star grinned. “Oh come on Marco, can’t you hold your horses for just a second?”

“Staaaaar-“

“You don’t have to be so neigh-gative about this!”

“STAR”

“Oh come on Marco, I’m only horsin’ around!”

“Star,” Pony Head said, “If you don’t give me back my body right this minute we are no longer friends.”

Star shook her head and kneeled down, picking up the hand of her body that was clutching the mirror. “Sheesh, I’m just trying to have fun with this!”

Marco groaned. “Well, when you’re turned into a horse head lying on the ground, you can see how much fun this is.”

Star’s body snorted. “Are you saying I’m not fun?”

“Does this look like fun to you”

Ignoring them, Star took the hand that held the mirror and pressed it up to Pony Head’s neck. For a moment, nothing happened-and then, both bodies suddenly took a deep gulp of air.

“Hooray, I’m me again!” Pony Head cheered, sailing up into the air in a shower of multicolored sparkles.

As Star, Marco clutched himself tightly. “I’ve got arms! Oh sweet Christmas, I’ve got arms!”

Star smiled, and picked up the mirror. “Well Marco, this was fun, but let’s switch back. There’s this big dinner or whatever going on tonight, and should proooooobably start getting ready soon.”

Star watched her body turn and nod. “Oh yeah, sure. Here, let me-“

Reaching forward, Marco held out the mirror, and Star touched it.

Nothing happened.

“Uhhhhh….”

“Oh wait, your body and my body already switched, didn’t they?” Marco said. “So if the mirrors won’t let two individual bodies swap back with each other…”

Groaning, Star sat down on the floor and stared at the mirror. “Okay, so maybe if we called Tom, and got him to swap with you…”

Marco frowned. “But then Tom would be stuck in my body, and you’d be in his body.”

“Well couldn’t we just switch?”

“I… don’t think so?” Marco said. “Since he’d be in your body, and you’d be in his body, and those bodies would have already switched. I think?”

“AAGGHHH” Star reached up to pull at her hair, and was annoyed when she was unable to get a grip on Marco’s short locks. “Okay, does anyone have a pencil?”

Suddenly, without warning, a golden portal erupted in the middle of the room. Star could only stare in shock and surprise as a battered and bruised Heckapoo emerged, breathing heavily and looking as angry as Star had ever seen her.

“Marco,” Heckapoo said as she looked down on Star, “I need you to come with me RIGHT NOW.”

Star gulped. “Uh, Heckapoo, I’m not Mar-“

“There’s no time, let’s go!”

Before Star or Marco could react, Heckapoo grabbed Marco’s body and threw it through the portal. Then, as an afterthought, she turned to Marco in Star’s body.

“Princess Butterfly,” she said curtly. “Good luck at the reception tonight.”

Marco stared. “Wait, what recep-“

It was too late-before Marco could get another word in, Heckapoo stepped through the portal and vanished.

Marco stared helplessly at the empty air, as Pony Head floated down next to him. “Oooh, that’s some bad luck right there.”

Desperately, Marco turned to Pony Head. “What do we do? What do we do?”

“I don’t know!” Pony Head shouted defensively. “Maybe if we-“

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Startled, Pony Head turned and looked at the clock. “Oh shoot, I’ve gotta get ready for the reception! Catchya later, earth turd, good luck with the speech!”

Marco could only stare in disbelief as Pony Head flew out the window and disappeared from view. Running to the window, Marco tried desperately to call out to the rapidly fleeing Pony Head. “What reception? WHAT SPEECH?”

Predictably, there was no answer.

Slowly, Marco turned, leaned against the wall, slid down against the floor, and took a deep breath.

“Okay, Diaz,” he said, “Just relax. You’re just in your best friend’s body. And your best friend in your body is just off in another dimension. And all you have to do is just get through a lousy reception.”

“You can do this,” he said, “You can do-“

At that moment the door to Star’s room burst open, revealing an obviously panicked and even more obviously stressed Queen Moon Butterfly. “Star! What are you doing, you were supposed to be dressed and ready twenty minutes ago!”

Marco was overcome with a simultaneous wave of terror and relief. “Queen Moon! Oh, thank god you’re here!”

Moon stared at Star. “Um, sweetie…”

“Oh! Uh, you see I’m not actually Star right now, I’m Marco,” he said, standing up off the floor and making his way over to the shocked Queen. “See, we accidentally switched bodies earlier, and-“

He stopped as Queen Moon clutched her forehead tightly. “You switched…

She took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay. I can deal with this. Marco, where is my daughter?”

“Oh, Heckapoo grabbed her just a few minutes ago.” Marco replied. “See, she thought Star was me, since she’s in my body, and-“

He stopped again as Moon’s eye began to twitch. “Marco,” Moon said slowly, “Did my daughter ever mention to you the importance of tonight’s events?”

“She… might have?” Marco replied cautiously.

She glared at him. “Marco, tonight marks a very important reception for the Tallarn Kingdom of the far eastern deserts. This is a very important ceremony, and Star was supposed to provide the introductory speech. Which,” Moon growled through clenched teeth, “She. Volunteered. To. Do.”

“Maybe-maybe I can give the speech?” Marco said. “I mean, I don’t know how much time I have to rehearse, but-“

Moon shook her head. “No, that’s not going to work! You don’t understand Marco, this event needs to go perfectly, and Star’s speech especially. Anything else would be an insult to the Court of Al’Raheem, which would be very, very… bad.”

She closed her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose, and began a sigh that quickly transitioned into a groan. “How did this even happen? Do I even want to ask?”

“Well, Pony Head-“

Moon groaned again.

“-Had this weird cursed mirror with her,” Marco continued, “which made me and her switch bodies. But the thing is, it won’t let you switch back directly. Now, Star figured that we could switch back if we swapped through some other bodies, but we’re… still working on the math.”

As Marco spoke, a curious look came across Moon’s face, and at the mention of the mirror she instantly locked her eyes onto to the polished item lying on the floor. Walking over, she slowly bent over, picked it up, and stared into its depths.

“Marco,” Queen Moon said, “I may have an idea.”

As sinking feeling began to arise in Marco’s stomach, he hoped that Star was doing better in his body than he was in hers.

———-

“Marco! Quit staring at your abs!”

“OH!” Star’s eyes leapt up and instantly focused on Heckapoo, who was standing in front of her with an expression that was halfway between annoyance and fury. “Uh, sorry.”

Heckapoo glared at her. “Marco, I didn’t bring you here so you could ogle yourself. I need you to stay focused, one wrong move here and we could both be killed.”

She paused for a moment. “Well you would, probably.”

Star gulped. “Yes, uh, Heckapoo, ma’am. But if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly are we doing that’s so dangerous?”

Heckapoo grinned wickedly. “Oh don’t worry, you’ll find out soon. Just keep following me, and watch your back. This isn’t exactly the safe part of my dimension.”

As Heckapoo turned around to continue trudging up the narrow mountain pass they’d teleported to, Star couldn’t help but sneak another look down at her body. She’d seen Marco as an adult briefly before, but seeing was far different from being. Almost unconsciously, she reached up and brushed the thin layer of stubble on Marco’s-her-chin as she considered her chiseled, rock-hard abdominal muscles.

There was no doubt about it, Star thought-when she got back, she was instituting an exercise program for royal squires, with a heavy emphasis on crunches. He’ll thank me later.

“Eyes up meathead, we’re here!”

Star looked up, and was overcome by a breathtaking sight. Atop the mountain’s peak were the ruins of what had once been a massive and magnificent castle, its tall moss-covered walls enshrouded in a thick cloud of mist.

Despite her occasional dabbles in siege weaponry, Star was no expert on fortifications-but even an untrained eye like hers could tell the structure had to have been at least a thousand years old, and abandoned for nearly as long.

“Wow,” she said, taking in the awe-inspiring sight. “What is this place?”

Heckapoo shrugged. “Don’t know, don’t care. Now come on, we’re late.”

With that, Heckapoo stepped through a hole in the castle’s weathered walls-and after a moment of hesitation, Star followed. Climbing over a pile of rubble, she squeezed her now-broad shoulders through the gap and found herself in a narrow passageway. Proceeding after Heckapoo, she noted that the interior of the castle was damp, poorly lit, and smelled of mold. This place, she thought, would be the perfect hideout for a monster-or worse.

“Aye, Heckapoo! I almost thought you’d decided to call it off!”

Surprised, Star turned and saw six people standing in the hallway, all carrying various weapons and dressed in colorful, flamboyant outfits. Their apparent leader, a tall, aged, and bearded man, grinned widely at the sight of Heckapoo and lifted his halberd in greeting.

Heckapoo laughed. “Karl, always a pleasure. You ready to get to business?”

“Always!” Karl replied. “So what kind of work did you have in mind? Your summons was awfully sparse on the details.”

“It’s a shapeshifter,” Heckapoo said. “It’s been hopping across dimensions and causing all kinds of trouble-but I finally tracked it down here. Now, all we need to do is find it” she said, grinding a fist against her palm for emphasis, “and take it out.”

Karl’s band of mercenaries cheered, as did Star. “A monster hunt?” she said, “Heckapoo, why didn’t you say so! After the day I’ve been having, I’d give anything for a good fight.”

As the cheers died down, however, Heckapoo frowned. “Uh, Karl,” she said suspiciously, “You said you were bringing five people with you, right?”

Karl lowered his halberd and looked at Heckapoo, confused. “Yes, why do you ask?”

“So why are there seven of you?”

Shocked, the band of mercenaries turned inwards while backing out towards the walls. Within seconds, two identical men were left standing in the middle of a circle of raised steel. Squaring off, each one drew their weapon and pointed it at the other.

“He must be the monster!” one of the men screamed, his voice warbling with terror.

The other jabbed his weapon towards his doppelganger, missing by inches. “Liar! Tis you, the monster be!”

The first man stopped. “What? That didn’t make any sense.”

The other paused, confused. “I said-“

Without warning, the first man exploded into a mass of writing tentacles surrounding a gaping maw, swallowing up the second man before he or the other mercenaries had a chance to react. Then, just as the mercenaries began to move into action, the formless mass broke through the circle and rushed down the hallway, quickly rounding a corner and disappearing into the depths of the castle.

Heckapoo slapped her forehead while Star stared in horror.

“This,” Heckapoo groaned, “Might take longer than I thought.”

———-

Smile and wave, Marco thought. Just smile and wave.

“Marco,” Star’s voice hissed, “That’s too much smiling and waving, tone it down.”

Marco had been through a lot since he’d first met Star. He had faced death in a half-dozen dimensions. His own arm had become a demon. He had faced terrors the likes of which hardly any man could scarcely have imagined.

But this-impersonating his best friend’s mother during a diplomatic banquet-this was an entirely new level of horror.

The banquet itself was an elaborate affair. Dozens of servers danced across the room, holding aloft various cuts of roasted meat, leafy salads, and piled stacks of corn. The Tallarn delegation, numbering well over three dozen dignitaries, advisors, and servants, was seated along a series of long tables that stretched across the room, while the Butterfly Royal Family dined upon a raised dais at the head of the chamber. It felt, Marco thought, that every single eye was staring at him, that everyone could see through the deception.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” King River asked, nudging what he believed to be his wife. “You’ve hardly touched your roast beast. Eat up, you’ll need your energy for those, you know, high-stakes negotiations!”

“Uh, yeah. Of course.” Marco replied nervously, and looked down at his plate. There were about a dozen forks lined up alongside the dish, and judging by the way Moon in Star’s body was glaring at him, picking the wrong one would result in a fate worse than death.

“Actually, you know, I don’t think I’m hungry,” Marco said. “Besides,” he continued, looking over at Star, “Isn’t it time for someone to give a speech?”

Star’s body smiled, took a glass, and stood up. Ringing a fork gently against the glass, she waited as the din of consumption and conversation slowly died down.

“People of Tallarn and of Mewni, I am honored to address you today,” she began. “For years, our two kingdoms have stood apart, separated by distance and distrust. But now, we have a chance to create a new bond, one forged from mutual trust and respect.”

“Look at her go!” River whispered excitedly, leaning up close to Marco. “She sounds just like you, dear! And to think you thought she couldn’t do it!”

“That’s… my girl,” Marco replied, hoping he didn’t sound as awkward as he felt.

“Her posture, her dictation… it’s beautiful!” River whispered proudly. “Of course, not as beautiful as you are, my dear.”

“Oh, uh, thanks River,” Marco said cautiously.

“You know, dear,” River continued, “Maybe tonight after we finish with this whole shindig, we could…”

Marco tuned out the rest of River’s words, stared straight ahead, and longed for the sweet release of death.

“And thus,” Moon mercifully began to conclude, “Mewni is a land of contrasts. Thank you.”

The room echoed with polite applause as Moon took a seat, and Marco allowed himself to relax slightly before standing himself.

“Thank you, Mo- I mean Sta- I mean Princess Butterfly, for those words of wisdom,” he said, desperately trying to remember the script Moon had drilled into him in the brief time before the reception. “Now please, feast and be… merry?”

“Good enough,” Moon hissed, “Now let’s go! I need to get back into my own body before the feast is over.”

Marco nodded, but was surprised when he felt River grabbing his arm.

“Sweetie, is everything alright?” River asked, clearly concerned.

“Oh it’s alright,” Marco said hastily, “Star and I just have to go do… queen stuff! That’s it.”

River raised an eyebrow as Moon and Marco rushed off the dais and into a back room, where Marco breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright, that seemed to go well.”

“Well? That was a disaster!” Moon said, pulling on Star’s hair. “Didn’t you see how the delegation reacted? Duke Ras-Aziz looked like he was practically falling asleep! Marco, if these trade negotiations don’t go perfectly, the political ramifications to our kingdom could be devastating!”

Marco bit his lip. “Uh, Queen Moon, I understand that this is important, but, what exactly am I supposed to do?”

Moon put her hand on her chin. “I need to talk directly to Duke Ras-Aziz, to explain to him how important this will be for both our countries. But Tallarn society is intensely patriarchal, and the Duke is said to only care about hunting and fishing….”

She snapped her fingers. “Maybe, I could use the mirror to switch bodies with a man the duke would want to talk to….” She groaned. “No, that would never work. How am I going to find someone to-“

“MOON PIE!”

Marco and Moon turned to the door, where King River was standing and looking distraught.

“The long search is over,” Marco deadpanned.

“Moon, sweetie, whatever is going on, please tell me!” River said, walking forward. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you’re just, not… you!”

Moon sighed. “River, that’s because she’s not me. I mean Moon. She’s not Moon.”

River’s expression of despair turned quickly into shock before filling with rage. “I KNEW IT!” he screamed, charging at Marco. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY WIFE, YOU SCOUNDREL?”

“River, I-ack!” Marco barely had a chance to respond before River had grabbed him by the collar, pulling him down to the ground. As he rolled over, Marco realized in a flash of horror that River suddenly had an axe in his hands, and blood in his eyes.

“RIVER! You put this axe down this instant!”

Instinctively, River dropped the axe, and turned to Moon. “Star? That’s not… Moon? Is that you?”

Moon groaned again, dragging her hands across her face. “YES, River, it’s me.”

River stared, perplexed. “But, how? And if you’re Star, who’s-“

“Marco,” Marco said as he stood up, dusting off Moon’s dress.

For a moment, King River’s expression was nothing but pure horror and anguish.

“Apparently, our daughter decided to spend the afternoon playing with dangerous magical artifacts.” Moon said, ignoring her husband’s brief moment of existential pain. “The only good news is that this may be an opportunity to get a leg up in the negotiations with the Tallarn-and we cannot let this chance slip us by.”

“Bwuh?”

Moon rolled her eyes. “River, I need your body.”

River looked at Moon, then back at Marco, then back to Moon, his expression one of pure puzzlement.

“Uh, I don’t-“

Moon rolled her eyes. “Marco, give me the mirror. River?”

“Yes, uh, darling?”

“You’re about to have a stirring conversation with Duke Ras-Aziz.”

———-

Not for the first time in her life, Star desperately wished she had her wand.

The interior of the castle ruins were a twisting, dangerous maze, filled with dead-ends, collapsed passageways, and ancient traps. It was a challenging, foreboding environment-and to Star, it would have been perfect for an afternoon of magic-fueled hijinks and exploration with Marco.

But instead of Marco, she considered with a flash of annoyance, all she had were these useless mercenaries-who, she would have sworn, were trying to get killed.

“Stop.”

“What?” The mercenary in front of her, an aged soldier covered in wrinkles and scars, stopped and turned. “What’s going on?”

Carefully, Star leaned over and inspected the floor. As she’d suspected, a tripwire had been strung across the ground at ankle-height, mere inches from the mercenary’s boot. As the mercenary froze with terror, Star gently disabled the tripwire, stood up, and patted the man on the back.

“I’d be a bit more careful next time,” she said.

“Ha!” One of the other mercenaries laughed. “Better be more careful Franz, or you’ll never make it to retirement!”

Franz shook his head. “Just three days, Gregor! Trust me, I won’t be dying tonight.”

Gregor, a tall, young, and lanky man, laughed again. “Well, I won’t be dying either! Just yesterday, I proposed to my girlfriend, Brigid! And if this job pays off, I’ll finally be able to afford a ring!”

The final member of the mercenary trio, a battle-scarred middle-aged woman, nodded. “Aye, and I’ll finally be able to sail the world with my beloved, like we’ve always dreamed, and fulfil my pa’s dying wish.”

Franz narrowed his eyes, and raised his pike. “Say, Agnes… I thought sailing the world was your mother’s dying wish.”

Agnes glared back at Franz. “Are you insinuating something, you ragged cur?”

“Me, the cur?” Franz shouted angrily. “You’re the only cur here, wretch! You’ve been acting suspicious since we split up from the rest of the group, you’re clearly the monster!”

Agnes laughed defiantly, and unsheathed her sword in a single flourish. “HA! Your words betray your intentions, foul beast! You’re the monster, and I intend to put your head on a stake!”

“Comrades, wait!” Gregor shouted, rushing between them. “Can’t you see what’s going on here?”

He sighed. “I’m the monster!”

Before anyone could react, Gregor exploded into a mass of teeth and tentacles that quickly latched onto and devoured Franz and Agnes. For her part, Star was barely able to duck beneath a barbed tentacle that swept her way, and awkwardly leaped backwards to avoid the next.

As Star watched, the monster gurgled, growled, and began to move closer. With every step the shape of the monster shifted and swirled-a never-ending nightmare of tendrils and teeth.

It was, Star considered, at least the third-ugliest monster she’d ever stared down.

Just as the creature was about to reach her, Star leapt back once more, yanking the tripwire. The corridor immediately began to rumble, and within seconds the ceiling came crashing down in a rush of dust and masonry. Star, already on her feet, raced down the collapsing corridor as quickly as she could, covering her mouth to avoid breathing in the ancient dust.

Finally, the noise and vibrations subsided, and Star stopped to look back. An impassable wall of rock now blocked off the entire corridor, with no sign of the shapeshifter-for better or worse.

Star breathed in deeply, leaning against the wall. “That was too close.”

“What’s going on?”

Looking up, Star saw Heckapoo approaching from the opposite direction, her scissors at the ready.

“Heckapoo!” Star shouted, standing up straight. “Where’s everyone else?”

Heckapoo glared. “I could ask you the same thing, Marco.”

She pointed her scissors at Star. “Tell me, Marco, how did you kill my thirty-fifth clone when you were after the scissors?”

Star stared. “I, uh… don’t know?”

Heckapoo grinned, and raised her scissors. “Gotcha, monster.”

“NO WAIT!” Star shouted, putting up her hands. “I’m not Marco!”

“Uh, yeah, I figured.”

“No, I mean, I’m Star!”

Heckapoo stared. “I-what?”

“Marco and I switched bodies, right before you grabbed me!” Star said. “I tried to tell you before, but-“

“Wait, wait, wait.” Heckapoo said, holding up her hands. “Okay, I’m just going to need a minute to process this.”

She leaned back against the wall, looked up at the ceiling, and groaned. “Urgghhhhh… okay, I think I can still work with this,” she said, and looked at Star. “Do you have your wand?”

“No.”

“URRRGHHHHH”

Star sighed. “Look, Heckapoo. I know I’m not Marco, and I haven’t earned this buff bod. But I still think that if we stick together and trust each other, we can take this thing out.”

She smiled, and extended her hand. “Ready to go beat up this monster?”

Heckapoo looked down, smiled, and grabbed Star’s hand. “Alright Star. Let’s go.”

———-

In the back room of the banquet hall, the body of Princess Star Butterfly screamed in frustration.

Marco knew there had to be a way to get everyone back into the right bodies. Pony Head had already been placed back into her body, and he himself had already been placed back into Star as part of Queen Moon’s increasingly complex diplomatic machinations. But with each additional swap, the puzzle was growing more and more complicated-and Marco could do little but scream in frustration as the sheer volume of swaps overwhelmed his ability to process them.

“Star?” Manfred’s voice said behind Marco.

“Marco.” Marco said. “Manfred?”

“Tom.”

“Tom?” Marco said, confused, and spun around. “What are you doing here?”

Manfred’s body shrugged. “Dad told me I had to come. Guess the Underworld needs trade with Tallarn too, huh?” He shrugged. “So, where’s Star?”

Marco shrugged back. “In my body, probably, with Heckapoo, I think. How’d Queen Moon wrap you up in this?”

“Oh, that’s who that was? Manfred just walked up, told me I needed to switch bodies with him, and that someone would tell me what was going on back here.”

Marco groaned. “Of course she did. Yeah, so Pony Head found this mirror that can switch bodies, and I think Queen Moon’s gone a little crazy with it trying to get an edge on these negotiations or whatever. And of course I’m stuck back here trying to figure out how to put everyone back afterwards.”

Tom gave Marco a concerned look. “What, you’re telling me we can’t just switch back?”

Marco shrugged. “I mean, kinda? You can sort of switch with other people, but not directly. It’s complicated.”

“I can’t believe this!” Tom shouted. “How am I supposed to go out with Star looking like this?!”

“Are you serious right now?” Marco said. “That’s all you’re concerned about?”

“Hey man, this is serious!” Tom said angrily. “If you don’t find out a way to get me back into my body, I swear I’ll-“

Marco threw up his hands. “Okay, okay, sheesh! It’s not like I want to be stuck in Star’s body, you know. I worked hard on my original body!”

Tom nodded. “It does look good on you.”

“Regardless, this has gone on long enough,” Marco said. “I need to find Queen Moon, and tell her-“

Before he could finish his sentence, Marco was interrupted by a loud, blood-curdling scream.

Instinctively, Marco grabbed a crossbow off the wall and raced out of the back room, Tom hot on his heels. As he emerged into the banquet hall, Marco was shocked to see a golden dimensional portal hovering in the middle of the room, swirling with mystical energy.

Then, a pair of figures flew through the portal, sailed through the air, and crashed down into the middle of one of the banquet tables. In a moment of shock, Marco recognized the two figures as Heckapoo and his own body, wrapped together in a vicious fistfight.

And, he noticed with a wince, it looked like Heckapoo was winning.

Snarling in rage and defiance in spite of the blood and bruises, Marco’s body pulled back and laid a haymaker straight into Heckapoo’s jaw, sending her head crashing back into a plate of sausages. Howling in pain, Heckapoo kicked up and nailed Marco’s body between the legs, sending it reeling off the table and crashing to the floor. All the while, guests and dignitaries fled the scene as rapidly as possible, screaming in terror at the appearance of the sudden and vicious brawl.

From across the room, the body of Ruberiot stood up in horror. “Heckapoo, what in the world are you doing?!”

“This thing is a shapeshifting monster!” Heckapoo shouted, pointing down and the moaning body of Marco. “We have to kill it, right now!”

Marco’s body rolled over and shakily pointed at Heckapoo. “I’m not the monster, you are! You attacked me!”

“It’s called a preemptive strike, shapeshifter!”

“Hold up!” Marco shouted, and lifted the crossbow. “Nobody’s killing anyone until we figure out who the real monster is!”

“You watch it with that crossbow, Princess!” Heckapoo shouted. “You shoot me, I don’t care who your parents are!”

Marco turned to his body, which was staggering to its feet.

“Alright, Marco,” he said, “Who am I?”

His body looked at him, confused. “Marco,” it said groggily, “I’ve been through a lot today and I really don’t need you pointing a crossbow in my face.”

Marco nodded, and turned the crossbow back towards Heckapoo. “Alright, Heckapoo, if that is your real name, I think I see what’s going on here.”

“Uh, Princess Star-“

“You’re just gonna put your hands up, where I can see them-“

“Marco-“

“Until we can figure out who you really-“

“MARCO, TURN AROUND!”

Marco spun around and dropped his crossbow in sudden terror. A massive, hideous beast was perched upon the table behind him, gurgling and growling as it writhed dozens of long, hideous tentacles. Stunned, Marco could only watch as a dozen pairs of eyes appeared on the creature’s slimy edifice, each old rolling and locking directly onto him.

Marco hadn’t even thought it was possible for a mouth that big to grin.

Then, without warning, the monster screamed in pain. Before Marco could react, a fountain of black bile erupted from the side of the monster. The monster instantly crumbled and fell off the table and onto the ground, wheezing and flailing its tentacles helplessly. Looking up, Marco saw the wizened figure of Duke Ras-Aziz holding a long, curved scimitar, covered in blood and grinning madly. As the monster began to roll over, the Duke threw his sword down into the beast’s hide, causing it to emit a hideous shriek of pain before finally lying still.

“Now that is what I call after dinner entertainment!” he shouted happily, beaming from ear to ear. “And to think, I thought that all of you Mewmans were as boring as your princess!”

Wiping a globule of blood off his tunic, he turned to face the body of Queen Moon, who was staring wide-eyed. “Queen Moon, I shall be retiring for the evening, but in the morning I will be happy to open trade negotiations with your Kingdom.”

“Uh, yes, of course!” Queen Moon’s body replied. “I, uh, look forward to it.”

“Splendid!” the Duke declared. “Now, with that, I am off to my chambers. Farewell!”

With a flourish, the Duke spun on his heel, leapt off the table, and walked out of the banquet hall, flanked by the few Tallarn advisors who had stayed during the melee. As the doors swung shut, Marco could only turn and look around in a daze at the few people left inside the room.

“Well,” Queen Moon said from Ruberiot’s body, “That went better than I expected.”

———–

“Man,” Star said as she fell back into her bed, “It sure is good to have my own body back.”

“You said it,” Marco replied, and then winced as he sat down into an adjacent chair. “I, uh, just wish you’d been a bit more gentle with mine.”

Star laughed. “I’m just glad Heckapoo was able to call Omintraxus to help us out. I know you’re smart, Marco-“ she tapped his head “-But there’s no way you would’ve been able to come up with the Sweet Clyde theorem on your own.”

“Hey, I could’ve figured it out!” Marco protested. “It’s not my fault your mom decided to keep switching bodies and throwing off my math!”

Star shook her head. “Oh come on Marco, I’d like to see you get the NBA’s top academic honors.” She chuckled for a moment, and frowned. “Say, uh, what’s an NBA?”

Marco shrugged. “Well I thought it was a sports thing, but honestly that part didn’t make much sense to me.”

“Oh well.” Star said. Sitting up on her bed, she grinned at Marco. “So, enjoy your time in my body?”

Marco eyed Star suspiciously. “I’m not exactly sure how I’m supposed to respond to that.”

Star laughed, leaned back down onto her bed, and looked up at Marco. “Well, all I’m gonna say is that starting tomorrow, you are going to be doing a lot more crunches.”

Marco groaned, and stood up out of the chair. “Well, I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Star.”

“Goodnight, Marco.”

As Marco left the room, Star pulled out the mirror, looked at her reflection, and smiled. Then, she tucked it under her bed, rolled over, and fell asleep.