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Series 1 [ edit ]

October 20th, 2002 [1.1] [ edit ]

[The first opening sequence.] Jeremy: This... is a car programme. There will be no cushions, there will be no rag-rolling, no-one will sing, and at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract. This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here, ooh... apart from this one, and no bus-lanes either. THIS... IS Top Gear!

November 24th, 2002 [1.6] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: Evidence that the French have gone mad; evidence that the Germans have gone mad; and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back!

[Presenting the new BMW Z4] Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

Jeremy: The star we have tonight in our reasonably-priced car may look like a boy, but he is, in fact, called Tara. And that, I suppose, makes him a girl.

December 1st, 2002 [1.7] [ edit ]

[on the fastest faith] Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

December 8th, 2002 [1.8] [ edit ]

Jeremy: I got a ticket the other day, and I kid you not, for being parked badly. Since when did it become like ice skating? Where they're all standing there, well, no, I don't think that is well parked, 4 out of... and only 3 from the Nigerian judge!

Jeremy: Used to live in Fulham right next to the car pound in London. so you could drive up the west end, have a few drinks, leave the car, wobble home best way you could, wake up in the morning, they've towed it home for you. It was pricy, but kind of worth it.

December 22nd, 2002 [1.9] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.

Jeremy: No, you see I had one last week: Boxster S, new car, fantastic really, the most beautifully balanced... I felt like a prat.

[On the news of the MV Tricolor sinking with nearly 3000 new cars on board] Jeremy: But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.

[On the MG SV.] Jeremy: If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.

December 29th, 2002 [1.10] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

[talking about the problems on the Range Rover] Richard: They did suffer a few problems, I mean it was with stuff like the paintwork. Interior trim, bit rattly. Engines, they can be a problem. Jeremy: Yeah, the 4-litre. Richard: And the 4.6. Jeremy: And the diesel. Richard: All the engines.

[reviewing the nominations for the 'Weirdest Renault' category] Richard: The Vel Satis. It's a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron. The Mégane; a family car, but only if your family is The Osbournes. And the Avantime; it's a sporty coupe, but only if you don't want a car that's sporty. Or a coupe.

Series 2 [ edit ]

May 11th, 2003 [2.1] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!

May 18th, 2003 [2.2] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; a German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?

[during the news] Jeremy: I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing - Richard: Eh?! Jeremy: I was shot. Richard: At last! [audience laughs along with Jeremy] Jeremy: Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got - Richard: What with? Jeremy: [casually] An AK-47. [Richard laughs]

[on Jeremy being told by his auto glass repair people that his Mercedes-Benz had to stay at their shop overnight so the glue on his replacement windscreen could set] Richard: Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?

[on the Lexus LS300's colour rear-view video camera] James: You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.

[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual] James: And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".

Jeremy: I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it! Richard: Oh, well done! Well done! Jeremy: And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."

May 25th, 2003 [2.3] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.

[during the news] Jeremy: I get confused with 911s. I don't know where they all go. Is that a turbo? Richard: No, that's not. That is normally aspirated. Jeremy: So wait a minute, the GT2's a turbo... Richard: Yes. Jeremy: ... and the Turbo's a turbo, obviously... Richard: Yes. Jeremy: Why is a GT2 not a Turbo if it is a turbo? Richard: But it is a turbo. Jeremy: Yes, why is it called a GT2 and not a Turbo? Richard: Because the Turbo's called the Turbo. You couldn't have a - Jeremy: You see? Does anybody here understand the 911 range? [silence] No? They're bored, aren't they. Audience: Yes. Jeremy: They've been making the same car for a hundred and twenty-thirteen years, and all they think to do is, "Well, we'll call that one a GT3 and that one a GT2, have a Turbo, the GT2, have a GT1, a 959, put the engine in the back." God, it must be fun going into a Porsche dealership, "Can I have a 911?" Be like ordering breakfast in America. [face in hands] "I just want eggs!"

James: Now for some more trouser action.

[on the Alpina Z8] Jeremy: It must be said, this looks just as good as the original, and it's just as left-hand-drive as the original. But: does it go any better? Well, after much careful deliberation, the simple answer is... no. [...] Jeremy: Getting it round a corner is like trying to get my wardrobe up a fire escape. It's very hard work, and it's hard to see where you're going. [...] Jeremy: This must be the first-ever tuned car that's slower than the original.

James: What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa? Richard: Bless you?

James: [reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up food close to camera] is a bacon sandwich. And this [taps dashboard] is a car.

June 1st, 2003 [2.4] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.

[discussing the Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale] Jeremy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everybody - have you driven this car? Richard: I have, yes. Jeremy: And what happened when you drove this car? Richard: Well, I crashed it, technically. Jeremy: Tell the nice ladies and gentlemen about what happened. Richard: Well, I was going round a corner, and the next minute I went round lots and lots of corners very quickly. Span it several times. James: Actually, this is why it's called the F360, this model. Because you drive along and you go "FFF - !" and then you do a 360.

[mocking the overly ambitious plans announced by the MG Rover Group in 2000] Jeremy: They said they were going to make a space shuttle... James: Yes, a space station. Jeremy: Yeah, well, they were going to build a space shuttle to get to the Rover space station. James: The Rover space station would be fab, actually, wouldn't it? It would be dark metallic green, and it would have a grille on that would sort of appear every 24 hours as it rotated, and sort of glitter in the sky. Richard: And a really nice, a really nice clock somewhere as well.

James: I have to say I'm very disappointed in it, because when I joined Top Gear I thought, "Here we go. French film festival, Kristin... " No. I've been invited to the opening of a car park. And it says, "Yes please, I would like to come to the opening of the car park. I will be arriving, A, by car; B, on foot."

[during the news, Richard is talking about a reliability study] Richard: I think this reliability index, gets a bit weak here. Third most reliable make of car...Fiat. [audience laughs] I mean then it's got you know Honda, Volkswagen, Mercedes, Toyota, BMW, Volvo, all the people you'd expect, but in third place, Fiat? Jeremy: What have they got as being the most unreliable? Richard: Well this is good fun, because according to them the second least reliable make, least reliable make is....Subaru! Where did it go wrong? They're the most reliable cars imaginable!

Jeremy: Let's try Radio 4. Melvyn Bragg: [on the radio] Society has not always valued originality. Jeremy: Ooh, it's Melvyn Bragg's philosophy show. Melvyn: To what extent is originality about perception, rather than conception? And is originality a concept without meaning today? Jeremy: I'm not quite with you there, Melvyn. I... I don't really understand the question.

Jeremy: I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.

Jeremy: [After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.

Jeremy: For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and Foo-Fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.

June 8th, 2003 [2.5] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?

Richard: Now, this is really quite simple, OK? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW 3-series] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.

[on the Porsche 911 Turbo] James: So you spun it, then. Jeremy: I spun it slightly. James: What do you mean "slightly"? How can you slightly spin? That's like saying "I slightly fell off a ladder this morning."

Jeremy: This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice. Richard: You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...

[discussing a man who built a race car in his kitchen, eventually having to tear down an exterior wall to get it out of the house] Jeremy: I presume there's no wife involved in this. Richard: No. Well... there was, but unlike the car, the wife did fit through the door quite nicely. Fairly early on.

Jeremy: Right, the news! And, um, we're feeling a bit remiss this week, because we like to think on Top Gear we're across what's happening in the world of cars, and then out of the blue, Ford wrote to us and said, "We're introducing a new Mondeo." We didn't know it was coming! Who'd like to see it? Richard: Yeah! Jeremy: OK. Here it is. Richard: ... That's the old Mondeo. Jeremy: No, that's the new Mondeo. They say it's got 1500 new parts! Richard: Yes, presumably they're all exactly the same shape as the old parts, so it looks exactly the same. James: It's got a new radio, hasn't it. Jeremy: It has got a new radio. James: Well, there's hundreds of bits in that.

[on the Vauxhall Vectra 48-hour test drive program] Jeremy: So if you just want to go and see Granny, or a girlfriend in Manchester, and it's a 60-quid rail fare, you can just ring them up, drop a car at your house, drive it up there and back - James: Yeah, well, what if you want to do a bank job? [...] Jeremy: I wonder how many they've got? Richard: Well, I don't know, because presumably this is the launch of their campaign, it's quite an important moment, somebody spent an awful lot of time planning this and working on it, and the worst thing we could do is give out the number. Which is 08456 775 775.

[on Honda's tips for avoiding road rage] Richard: It says here as well, "Do not rise to any challenges while you are driving." What, like a duel? "Sir, your driving has angered me! I demand satisfaction!" I can't see that happening.

[testing the Daihatsu Copen's man-compatibility with a member of the audience] Richard: Oh my Lord. James: What do you reckon? Jeremy: He was fine... until the door slammed, and now he looks like a berk.

[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles] James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my five weeks in television. These two - these two are not men, OK? This one, Richard Hammond, every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, OK? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible, but... it has to be the right one.

[on the Triumph TR6] James: What a squarehead! Look at it! Blunt at both ends, thickset - I reckon if this car went to the lavatory, it'd leave the seat up. [...] James: Good job they didn't give it to a Frenchman, eh? We'd all have handbags by now.

[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rally car vs. girls getting ready for a big night out] Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in... Richard: Twenty-seven minutes. Jeremy: Twenty-seven minutes - and the women took... Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that. Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another. Richard: I don't think it works! Jeremy: Men should go out with men. Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!

[On the Renault Clio V6] Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is. [...] Jeremy: Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s. [...] Jeremy: I think the problem is that it's... French. [later, with overdone French accent.] Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!

June 15th, 2003 [2.6] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo VIII and Version 8 Impreza WRX STi Jeremy: And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want? [...] Jeremy: Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW." [...] Jeremy: Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.

[on the Lexus RX300 ad slogan "It Changes Everything"] Jeremy: I don't want to go home tonight and find my front door's moved, and that all my children are badgers and that I'm married to Frank Bruno! I don't want it to change everything. Richard: And this'd be a gardening program and we shouldn't be talking about that anyway. Jeremy: Well, exactly! And do you know, the thing is, that - you know those advertising standard authorities? They always say you've got to be, what are they, truthful... ? James: Hang on, it's: [ticking them off on his fingers] Decent, honest, legal, truthful. Jeremy: So that advert must be true. James: That would be great! You could buy the Lexus, and then you'd wake up the next day and it would've changed into a Jaguar! With a bit of luck.

[on Jaguar being the last car maker to put diesel engines in the cars] Jeremy: That is not going to work, and do you know the worst thing about this is? That Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-Type, a two-seater modern day E-Type and they cancelled that project, because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine!

Richard Whiteley: They echo, these prisons - have you been in one? Jeremy: Yeah, a French one. Well, we won't go there... Whiteley: So we were looking around, the great and the good of Leeds, and from the galleries high up, someone yelled down - can I do this? Can I yell down? Jeremy: Yeah! Yell! Whiteley: They said, "NOW THEN WHITELEY, YA FAT ----! WHERE'S CAROL?" And one of prisoners who was accompanying us, he said, "Oh," he says, he says, "That's Jed. That's Jed up there what cried down at you, that's Jed. 'E's a real 'ero in this prison." I said, "Why, what's he done?" How many people has he killed, raped, murdered, drugs has he laundered, money, all that kind of stuff. I said, "What'd he do?" He said, "'E were the lad what nicked your car two years ago!"

Jeremy: Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This Countdown thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon? Got any ideas on that one? Whiteley: I'm short-sighted. I can't see that, thank goodness!

[consigning a photo of Hammond's actual Porsche 911 to the Uncool section of the Cool Wall] Jeremy: And it's left-hand drive, which means you're a cheapskate. The thing is - Richard: [laughing] That is so true. Jeremy: He's never overtaken anyone. "Is it safe? Is it safe?" Richard: That's what passengers are for.

[on the Vauxhall VX220] Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'll think, "That is a really pretty, pretty car. Well done, Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus." [trying to break the land speed record for towing a caravan] James: Right. I've been looking in the Guinness Book of Records. It doesn't actually say that I have to use a car to tow the caravan. So instead I've decided to rely on the most powerful engine in the universe. Gravity.

June 22nd, 2003 [2.7] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

[On the Koenigsegg] Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

[On the Koenigsegg] Jeremy: You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

Richard: [On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!

[On the price of a Hummer H2] Jeremy: And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze. It's rubbish.

[On the Aston Martin V8 Vantage] Jeremy: Going on sale in 2005, so have you just ordered a Porsche 911 recently? [sniggers, audience laughs].

[On the Hummer H2] Jeremy: It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one... it's fantastic!

[Regarding Clarkson's review of the Hummer H2] James: You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5? [...] Jeremy: Size is important in these things. [beams] Richard: That's a little harsh.

Richard: This is the Talon riot control vehicle. Big, innit?

Richard: Now that is what I call a control panel. Grenade launcher. Impulse generator! Lovely.

Richard: Well, if things get really nasty, I can always get stupid and just headbutt stuff. [crashes the Talon through a portacabin]

July 6th, 2003 [2.8] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; an Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; and Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic TIE Fighter R.

[on the Nissan 350Z] Jeremy: [voiceover] Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess. But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America. And the head of the whole project was a chap called Ajay Panchal, who's an Indian. From Leicester. And the engine? Well, that's French. Incongruously, it's the three-and-a-half-litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis. Jeremy: [at the wheel] We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car. Think of it as being a raw-hamburger curry served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky jus.

Jeremy: I could go very, very berserk at this point. But - two things are stopping me. One, the noise. It's driving me mad. And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette, and as a result of that he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.

[causing various bits of the 350Z's internal trim to rattle] Jeremy: I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed.

Jeremy: The thing is that Nissan have now said, "Aha, but the car you drove was sort of for a, I don't know, a small market in the south of France or somewhere." The British ones, which are going on sale in... Richard: 'Bout, September, autumn sometime. Jeremy: Yeah, September, October - are going to have better suspension, bigger fuel tank, different aerodynamics, better interior trim, traction control as standard - going to be completely different. Richard: Which rather begs the question, why did they say "There's our new car! See what you think. It won't be anything like that, obviously, but there it is anyway."

James: It's a terrible shame Jeremy didn't like the 350Z - I wondered if he might be interested in the 350Z watch. It's a very large watch with a very small face. What do you think of that? Jeremy: It'll probably go TICK TOCK! TIIIICK TOCK and be very heavy.

James: This is a true story and I am ashamed of it. I was driving along, Ford Galaxy, magnolia leather, curry on the passenger seat. A drunk bloke walked into the road. Instinctively, I braked. I saw the curry tip, I thought, "That's my dinner," I not only took my foot off the brake, I put it back on the throttle! Anyway, if anyone here is interested, I've developed a special new car sticker that says BHUNA ON BOARD.

[on the Volkswagen New Beetle cabrio] James: All they've got to do is make it in the shape of a proper car and it'll be terrific.

[driving the New Beetle with the top down in the rain] Richard: I'm not sure this was such a smart idea. James: Why, do you think they just think we're a pair of screaming - Richard: Well, exactly. James: Yes.

James: What we want in Britain is a convertible car for sunny days, and a hardtop for the other 364.

James: [Commenting on the Audi A4 convertible] No, it's just not right. A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.

[testing the flappy paddle gearshift in the Citroën C3 Pluriel] Richard: It's hopeless. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... and now it's changed. And I'm going to select fourth... no... oh! Now I've got it. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?!

[on the Daihatsu Copen] James: You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film, where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand? Jeremy: No. James: All right. Jeremy: But I'm sure it happened, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just don't remember it. James: OK, well, it's a bit like that. You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks, it's absolutely brilliant. Richard: Can't say I noticed it myself, I thought it was all right, but, um... [...] Jeremy: It's not so much a car as a shoe.

Jeremy: I have three donkeys at home. Jodie Kidd: Do you? Jeremy: Geoffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott Donkey. I do! I adore my donkeys. They are my life, they're everything. I just think they're fantastic. Jodie: Very noisy. Jeremy: Depends what you do to them.

July 13th, 2003 [2.9] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.

[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats] Jeremy: It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson. [...] Jeremy: It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton. A choice cut of Dale.

[during the news] James: All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented. Richard: It's not really on the cutting edge, is it. James: Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!

[on the Rover Streetwise] Jeremy: They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it. Richard: Essentially, yes. [...] Jeremy: [consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat... James: Like a car. Jeremy: Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units... Richard: Well, that is clever. James: Like a car. Richard: Yeah, yeah. Jeremy: ... various transmissions, three trim levels... James: Car-like. Jeremy: Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families." Richard: They've put some thought into this, haven't they? Jeremy: "Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission." James: It's a car. Jeremy: It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!" Richard: [impressed] So you can drive out of town as well! Jeremy: It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?

Jeremy: [whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.

Jeremy: You're the most famous guest we've ever had on. Patrick Stewart: This must be a terrible show, then.

[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance] Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg! Patrick: But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.

[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS] Patrick: It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.

[on Sir Michael Gambon] Patrick: He's a colleague and an excellent actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.

Jeremy: How did you find the car? Patrick: Ordinary.

Richard: [Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)

Richard: Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!

Jeremy: First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic! Jeremy: [voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.

July 20th, 2003 [2.10] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.

Richard: Now normally driving a TVR with any sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub and, you know, he says "Well, yeah, we went on 'oliday, took the missus, in the caravan," and then boomf!, punches you in the face, no warning. This, though... it's got understeer! It's telling me, it's saying, "I gotta let you know, you're gettin' on my nerves a little bit." It hasn't lost the lairiness, but it's just been to anger management.

James: Right, the news, and we begin today with a, well, probably the best piece of news I've ever heard since I was born. An event, in fact, which eclipses the very miracle of my birth. Richard: Hang on, the best piece of news you've ever heard ever? Jeremy: What is it? James: [beaming] They're going to stop making the Beetle. Richard: And that's it. James: That is fantastic. No, the old one. They're still making it until the 30th of July and then it stops forever. Richard: And why is that so good? Jeremy: Why do you hate it so much? James: Do you really want me to do it? Jeremy: Well, no, just... I can't imagine... James: OK. It's a rubbish car. Richard: That's incisive. James: That's the first thing, it's a rubbish car. Secondly, it was a scandal. OK? That car was stolen from a Czech bloke called Ledwinka, I think, by Hitler and his henchmen, they put it into production, they stole money off the German people to build it and to build a factory, they never got a car, instead they used the factory and slave Russian labor from the Eastern front - Jeremy: You can't blame a car for Hitler!

[Jeremy is reporting on the Goodwood Festival of Speed, where, as he previously noted, he was waved to by Elle Macpherson] Jeremy: I went up the hill in the - there's a hill that you basically drive the, all the cars go up - and I went up in the McLaren Mercedes. Both : [in unison] The SLR. Jeremy: The new SLR. Richard: Yeah. Stunning thing. And? Jeremy: Well, I was still a bit drunk, so I have - there it is, look - um, I think... I have... I dunno. James: So hang on, it - so you're probably the first UK journalist to get in that car. Jeremy: Yeah. James: We've been talking about it for what now, two years, probably? Richard: Yeah, yeah, yeah. James: And you went up the hill... drunk... waving at MacPherson Strut or whatever her name is out of the window. Jeremy: I wasn't driving it, I was slumped in the passenger seat. James: Oh, well, that's all right, then! Who was driving it? Richard: Can you tell us anything about it? Jeremy: It made a jolly loud noise in the condition I was in, that was for sure. It sounded like a Messerschmitt had mated with a Spitfire. Richard: To your drunken brain at the time. Jeremy: [imitates engine noise], only louder than that. Richard: You wouldn't make much of a war correspondent, would you, standing there in war-torn wherever with a desolated landscape, "So, Jeremy, what happened?" "Dunno! Drunk, missed it. Found it like this."

[on the Volkswagen Phaeton] Jeremy: [voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000. [mimes wiping tears of mirth from his eyes while a sitcom laugh track plays, then becomes serious] Jeremy: But actually... it isn't funny.

Jeremy: Apparently, Piëch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. My! I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.

Jeremy: And round at the front, things get even more... German.

[on the Cadillac Sixteen]

James: I like luxury. It's the new performance. [...] Jeremy: Now this is what I call shock and awe.

[on the Overfinch-modified Range Rover] Jeremy: It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe. It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in your direction of travel.

Jeremy: If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.

Series 3 [ edit ]

October 26th, 2003 [3.1] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!

[on the BMW 5-series] James: Now, the old 5-series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the Moon, but this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.

[after James's 5-series film] Jeremy: Were you... in any way unwell when you recorded that? James: Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox. Jeremy: That explains it. Because anybody whose eyes were working probably would recognize that this is the ugliest thing - it is! James: It is a superb-looking car. Jeremy: It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back. James: Rubbish. [...] James: All right. You are an executive - this is going to take a bit of imagination - you're an executive, OK, and you've got to buy a new car. You're not going to buy that S-Type Jag, are you? It's a great drive but you wouldn't let your kids sit around with their mouths open like that. E-Class Mercedes, now, you've got a Mercedes, how much have you enjoyed it over the summer? Jeremy: No, I haven't, it's been innnnn the shop the entire time. It goes in broken, it comes back more broken and goes in again. That's pretty much Mercedes ownership these days. James: Right. So you're not having one of those. Jeremy: No. James: You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old. Jeremy: Uh, no. James: You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid. Jeremy: I might! James: No you wouldn't. Jeremy: No, you're right, I wouldn't. James: And you're not going to have an Alfa 166 because nobody would buy a new one. Jeremy: No. James: You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of photocopying, brackets, toner distribution. [points to the 5-series] You will buy one of these! Jeremy: I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.

[on the diesel VW Lupo] Jeremy: No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.

[in a jam on the M25 during the diesel Lupo test] Jeremy: I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable. Could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.

[Jeremy has bought a kitschy rooster figurine with the money he saved driving the diesel Lupo around the M25] James: Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock? Jeremy:Yes, almost certainly!

James: But on a small hatchback, OK, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you. One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint. The second is that you care so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it. And the third one is, you're probably French. Jeremy: I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.

Jeremy: We get a hundred million letters every week from women complaining about their men's love of cars. Richard: This is true. We do. Jeremy: We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "This dress is perfect and I like the color, I'll try something else on." Richard: No we don't.

[reading viewer mail] Richard: "Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark. Very irritating. This is from Claire, and she signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss. "My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3." Fair enough. "Now he's driving me mad with this new game he has where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible. Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly!

[discovering that his SL55's remote unlocker works from further away if he holds it against his temple] Jeremy: What have I done to my head?!

[watching a video of automotive tomfoolery from Saudi Arabia] Jeremy: This is what happens when you don't let people drink.

[on the Porsche 996 GT3] Richard: It makes no apologies for what it is, so if you want a comfy ride, get another car. If you want to be cool on a hot day, get another car. If you want height adjustment on the seats... which I don't... get another car.

[on the 911 series engine placement, behind the rear axle] Richard: Now, technically, that's just wrong. It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom. It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper it still is today. [...] Richard: In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car. Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches. [...] Richard: Look, ma, I'm going sideways! [...] Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole. J.Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car. The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.

[on the Black Stig crashing into the sea] Jeremy: Uhh... that was not supposed to happen.

November 2nd, 2003 [3.2] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?

Jeremy: I have some bad news. The Stig is dead.

[on the Isle of Man] Jeremy: It's like Beverly Hills with kippers.

[on the BMW M3 CSL Jeremy: Think of it as a BMW with bulimia. [...] Jeremy: You even look at that engine, it'll kill you. [...] Jeremy: You have to sign a disclaimer before you buy a CSL saying that you understand that the tyres won't work in the rain or if it's a bit chilly. What a car!

[on caravanners] Richard: Every summer they arrive, ruining our roads just so they can pull up side by side with their new best friends and pee in a bucket.

James: In 1979 in Britain, the BMW M1 cost about £35,000, which sounds very reasonable. Until you discover that the Ferrari 308 GTS was less than 20 grand. And here's another thing, look. [raps on door panel] GRP, or plastic to you - on a BMW. How much worse could it get? Well, while the car was being designed, the rules for sports racing cars were changed, so by the time it came out, it wasn't competitive anyway. What a farce.

Richard: There's no end of sensible, practical cars that'll happily rip your face off, and we owe it all to the M5.

Jeremy: Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing? Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear Fantasy Island specially for us! James: Oh, if the Isle of Man was this great, I'd be absolutely blown away by the Isle of Woman. Richard: Yes, the kippers were good — Jeremy: Yes, but there's no speed limits here, James! "Ooh I know, but the kippers!" James: I'd rather the pussy cat than the kipper. Richard: They were good, though!

Jeremy: (To Stephen Fry) Have you, um, have you been to the Isle of Man? Stephen: Yes, you go to the airport, you say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"

Jeremy: You could be birched for loving man there. Stephen: Yes, which is something people pay a lot of money for in London, so it's like a free service.

Jeremy: Some of the laws they have are fabulous! Handguns, for instance, are legal there! And you can be charged with "furious driving"! I'd love to have that on my licence!

Stephen: Well, I'm a sort of lefty in a way, but I cannot tell you the overmastering hatred I feel, the waves of disgust when there is that, that frowny-faced woman on the bicycle who looks at you as if you are the symbol of all capitalism and meat-eating and penis-owning - you know, you are the enemy of the people, you are the enemy of the planet, you are globalization - you are Capitalism with a huge cigar - just because you might've slightly blown her off course on her blasted bicycle!

Jeremy: You will never hear anyone say, "Look at that maniac in that Saab!"

Stephen: I came so close to losing my licence almost exactly a year ago. I was pootling along the M11 at a hundred and *hrm* miles per hour, and fortunately they took an average, which was 99.8. Jeremy: An average from when you got into the car. Stephen: Yes, quite. From the centre of London.

[on the benefits of driving a decommissioned black cab in London] Stephen: Other cabs let you in, you know - "cabaraderie", I call it.

Jeremy: But it's strange, because most of the people I know who speak Latin find cars really rather trivial and infantile.

Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk! Not turgidly, exactly. Jeremy: Well, it was just, that time, the first - well, not the first time I went there, but I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..." Stephen: This is the home of Lotus! It's an advanced, sophisticated county! Jeremy: Now, you see, that was a bad example. Stephen: Well, there were the - all right, but it's a... it's a mysterious county. There are - you go through a beautiful Old World village with a sort of mullion-windowed rectory with ivy over it and the squire's house and a beautiful old church, and then a sign saying, "HOT RODDING".

[watching himself on tape driving the reasonably-priced car] Stephen: Look at him, doesn't he look a ****.

James: Obviously, driving a convertible yellow Porsche raises certain sociological issues. I mean, some people are going to look at me, I know, and think I'm a merchant banker.

[on the Honda S2000] Jeremy: So it's powerful, extraordinary value for money, and more reliable than a wood-burning stove.

James: The reason the Porsche, I think, is the best car is, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving? Richard: What on Earth are you talking about?

[on the BMW Z4] Jeremy: This ride is totally unacceptable.

James: You're such a pair of wittering nancy boys.

November 9th, 2003 [3.3] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchildren; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!

[on the Bentley Continental GT] Jeremy: There's no way the aristocracy is going to buy this car. I mean, these days they have to burn their children just to stay warm, and all their furniture's held together by the moths that ate it. [...] Jeremy: It's like doing 5000 miles an hour in Douglas Bader's sponge bag. [criticising the armrests] Jeremy: They are completely pointless. Speaking of which: this button here allows you to adjust the hardness of the suspension, like so. Why do you need that? Why would you want to make your Bentley more uncomfortable? It really is as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. [...] Jeremy: The old four-door Arnage is a symphony of pomp and circumstance, hope and glory - absolute power corrupting absolutely. Oh, it isn't very good, but there's such a sense of occasion when you drive it. This is the other way round: brilliant, sensationally fast, handles beautifully, and it'll almost certainly be reliable. But it leaves you feeling... just a little bit cold.

[after pausing the playback of his escape-from-a-sinking-car film] Richard: And we'll find out later if I die.

[on the Jaguar R-D6 concept car] James: But the bit I really like is the inside. Have a look at this. Now have a look at that black leather and all those shiny bits, and those red lights down in the footwell. Now clearly a Jaguar designer got completely lashed at a vodka bar and thought, [in drunken voice] "Uhh, I'll make it look like thish then." So obviously there'll be a bouncer on the door, telling you you can't come in 'cause you've got trainers on. Richard: It's a gorgeous-looking thing, I think it's fab. But here's the thing I don't get about Jaguar concept cars. Two years ago, about then, they showed us XK180, and there it is, that was to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. But then last year, they did the R Coupé, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. And now they're back again with this, to show us what Jaguars of the future will look like. James: Now look, Jaguar. You have made your point. Just make the car.

[interviewing Rob Brydon] Jeremy: You have had the most wretched car history of anyone I've ever, ever met. We start off, where were we, radio DJ... Rob: [DJ voice] BBC Radio Wales. Good morning! Jeremy: You bought yourself a Volkswagen Polo. Rob: Brand new. Jeremy: Brand new! Things going well. Your next car... is a third-hand Vauxhall Carlton. What in God's name possessed you to do that? Rob: You know, my dad came across it, you know, it was reasonably priced... it was a big, brown Vauxhall Carlton - Jeremy: Brown! Rob: Wait, let me finish. It was a big brown Vauxhall Carlton, the inside was a kind of creamy sort of biscuit colour, it was velour, the seats. It was a nice car, it got me from A to B, that was not the worst of my cars. Jeremy: What, you're trying to say the green Sierra you had was - Rob: That was the worst, yes. Jeremy: What possessed you to do that? Rob: Um, my dad came across it, you know, it was a good price... Jeremy: Did you branch out on your own for the 1992 Ford Escort? Rob: Now! The 1992 Ford Escort, I thought, and I don't know anything about cars - Jeremy: That's obvious. Rob: - was quite a sexy little car. I quite liked it, actually. Jeremy: Have you ever actually watched Top Gear? 'Cause you might... Rob: I've never seen a whole one, no. [Jeremy looks dismayed, audience applauds] It clashes with Heartbeat, OK, which goes against you. Jeremy: I know! But I do make a special effort to watch Marion and Geoff. You should try to watch one all the way through. Because after the Escort... you're not going to believe this, ladies and gentlemen... Rob: Oh, I know what you're going to say now, yeah. OK. Jeremy: ... a Mitsubishi Carisma. Why on Earth did you buy one of those? Rob: Well, my dad came across it... [audience laughs]

Jeremy: Anyone who sits in the back of a four-seater convertible looks like Hitler.

James: The British toff: though rare and endangered, they are easy to identify. They are most readily spotted in the countryside, because they own it. Distinguishing features include their clothing, which used to belong to their parents, and their characteristic mating call of "Harrumph."

[on the Subaru Legacy Outback] James: I almost forgot to tell you what it's like to drive. Well, I quite like it, actually. It's relaxing and it's... unstressful.

Richard: This whole survey throws up some fascinating stuff. Like the Porsche 911. A favorite car of mine, known for its... somewhat scary handling sometimes. Ninety-six percent of 911 owners in this survey claim to be absolutely satisfied with their car's handling, which is very good. It leaves four percent, and they probably were entirely satisfied with the handling of their 911 right up until they hit the tree. Then they changed their mind. Jeremy: Yeah, but think of it this way. The people who got their bone marrow and their eyes are very satisfied with the handling of the 911.

Jeremy: What do you drive, sir? Audience member: A 355. Jeremy: A Ferrari. There's an interesting statistic on Ferrari, ah... what is it, James? James: [consulting clipboard] Um, 90% of people who said they had a Ferrari were lying.

[after Richard's sinking-car film, in which he needed the rescue diver's help to escape the car] Jeremy: So did you die in the making of that film? Richard: Well, yeah. I mean, if it was real, yes, I did. Jeremy: And the thing is, it was very lucky you were in the GL model, 'cause that was the one that did come with the diver in the back seat with the aqualung. Richard: Yeah. If it'd been an L, pfft. That would've been it, curtains.

[on people carriers] Jeremy: Obviously all of them are uncool. If you buy a people - anyone got one? You have. Basically what you're saying about yourself, sir, is: you've had your children and now you're just waiting to die.

Jeremy: All dentists have Saabs, OK? All. And graphic designers all have them, and all architects have them, and all Stephen Frys have them.

[on the Saab "night panel" function] Jeremy: That's handy if you want to line up for a bombing run on a Soviet nuclear submarine base, but of limited use on the A38 just outside Burton-on-Trent.

Jeremy: Now what I'd like to do at this point to demonstrate the difference between car and plane even more is bolt the Stig into the Saab here and have him race a fighter jet round our track. [laughing] Only trouble is, can you imagine ringing up the Royal Navy and saying, "Hello, I'm from that pokey motoring programme on BBC, would it be possible to borrow one of your Sea Harriers?" You can imagine what the response would be. [cut to a shot of a Sea Harrier taxiing into position next to the Stig-driven Saab at the start/finish line of the test track] Jeremy: [voiceover] Yes, they were there in a jiffy.

Jeremy: [On the Saab 9-5 Hot Aero] The handling is just hysterical. It's like driving a - fast! - bouncy castle!

November 16th, 2003 [3.4] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a green Lamborghini; James drives a blue Lamborghini; and I drive a yellow Lamborghini.

Richard: [voiceover] And as befits the decade that celebrated being young and groovy, youth created the Miura. The man who designed its gorgeous body was just 22. Richard: Think about that. What were you doing at 22? At that age the cars I was drawing still had guns on them.

Richard: So, beautiful and ingenious it may have been, but in terms of driving, you were still at the wheel of a bit of a dog's breakfast. The fuel tank was over the front wheels, so as it ran low on fuel, it went light at the front end, which meant you couldn't steer. Nice touch, that. Keeps you on your toes. The interior is, well, tiny, and every now and again the carburettors would spit petrol onto the hot engine and the whole thing would go up in flames. Gooood.

Richard: Lamborghini knew their masterpiece wasn't perfect, and they steadily improved it throughout its life, culminating in this: the SV of 1971. It had a better gearbox, better differential, better tyres, better rear suspension, and these better gold wheels. D'you know what it was? It was better.

[examining Jay Kay's Miura SV] Richard: Um, Jay, I did notice there's, uh, there's no window in. Jay: Well, I'll tell you what I did with the window. [opens driver's door] Richard: Re-enact it for us. Jay: I will re-enact it. Richard: Go on, then. [Jay shuts the door normally and mimes the window shattering] Richard: Oh, you closed the door! You mad, impetuous rock star fool. You were asking for trouble, Jay! Jay: You know, I mean, that's rock 'n roll, hey?

Jeremy: This is a man with a two-tone beard who's come here to tell us about style.

James: This wasn't just a car, it was a pin-up. And you might like to know that countach is a bit of Italian slang. It translates roughly as phwoar!

James: [voiceover] So it looks fantastic and it sounds fantastic, and that's what matters when you're 15 and dreaming. But I'm not 15 any more, and after an hour at the wheel in 2003, my dream car turns out to be a bit of a nightmare. James: It never occurred to me, for example, that I'd need a hammer to change gear. Or that depressing the clutch pedal would be a lot easier if I got a friend to help me. It's absolutely baking hot in here - look, I've got the window fully open [puts fingers through tiny slot of driver's window] - and there's also a really alarming smell of petrol.

James: God in Heaven, this is hard work.

James: I'm absolutely gutted. But you know what, it's not the car's fault, it's mine. I've broken a golden rule: You never, ever meet your childhood heroes.

[on the Lamborghini LM002] Jeremy: When I started in this business, writing about cars, I was earning... about 40 quid a week. OK? I borrowed one of these, took it into a petrol station, to fill it up... £147!

[indicating a board covered with photos of rock stars] Jeremy: Problem is, what do all of these people have in common? Audience member: They're all dead.

Jeremy: This, then, is the £117,000 Gallardo. Lamborghini's idea of being sensible.

[Talking about Lamborghinis] Jeremy: Let me put it this way: a picnic, okay? If you went, you'd want the Germans to make the hamper so the handles don't fall off, but you'd want the Italians to make the food, yes? That's what you get with that [points to Murciélago]; it's a German-Italian picnic where the Italians have done what they're good at and the Germans have done what they're good at. With this [points to Gallardo], the Germans have done ze food.

November 23rd, 2003 [3.5] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: I attempt to destroy the indestructible; How fast can you go in a soft top before you lose your wig?; And we momentarily silence Simon Cowell.

[on the Mazda RX-8] Jeremy: It's almost like they had a styling suggestion box at the factory, they got millions of ideas and then said "I know! Let's have all of them!" So it's got triangles and curves and gills and the back window from a Ford Anglia and look at these lights. They're busier than a bishop's hat!

[[on the RX-8's Wankel rotary engine] Jeremy: It's not the torquiest engine in the world, or the most economical, but God it's smooth. You even get a little buzzer - ready? - to tell you to change gear at 9000 RPM 'cause it doesn't feel like it's running on anything as coarse and vulgar as petrol. Feels like it's running on double cream!

Jeremy: The guy who was running Mazda when they were designing the RX-8 used to race cars. [laughs] And it kind of shows.

Richard: This being a car programme, let's talk about houses.

[speculating on the future-classic value of the Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.5-16 Cosworth] Richard: Tempted? Well, if you are, you're best off going for one in black or silver with an automatic gearbox. Which is why I'm driving a pink one with a manual box. Obviously.

[Jeremy is butting in as Richard and James populate the Classic Wall] Richard: Jeremy, can I ask - what's that? Jeremy: This is an Alfa Romeo GTV6, a magnificent car! Richard: It is. And I believe you had one! Jeremy: I did indeed. Richard: And how much did you pay for it, Jeremy? Jeremy: Ah, £5000. Richard: Mm, and then you sold it. And how much did you sell it for? Jeremy: Ah, £3000. Richard: OK, that didn't go too well. How much was it worth a year later? Jeremy: £7,000. Richard: So how much do you know about all of this? Absolutely nothing.

Simon: [On his fast lap] I wasn't even trying.

[arguing that the Mazda RX-8 should be considered cool] Richard: But you get to say "Wankel". That's cool! - On telly!

James: Right, the Italians. What have they ever done for us?

James: St. Albans. The Romans came here in 43 and built some nice ruins.

[on the Fiat Panda] James: Well, it is very small, just three and a half metres long, but more importantly, it's got really quite a lot of space in it. You could get a couple of full-size adults in the back here, or - more importantly - about half a dozen children. Now this is vital in your small Italian car, and all because of another of their great inventions: the Catholic Church.

James: Now, you'll be able to buy a basic 1.1-litre Panda for £6000. £6000! This, however, is the 1.2-litre Dynamic. This is a posh Panda. But it's still only six thousand, five hundred pounds. Six and a half grand. And it's a whole car!

James: I quite like this 1.2-litre engine, it's sort of feisty and eager. Makes a great deal of fuss without really achieving very much. Bit like the Italian government, really.

[on the Toyota Hilux] Jeremy: So it's very popular in Australia and all the other various bits of the third world.

[On the Hilux] Jeremy: We love cars like this on Top Gear. That's why we love the Citroën Berlingo and the Daihatsu Charade; they're simple, honest-to-God engineering.

[After driving the pick-up down the steps] Jeremy: [Voiceover] It damaged my spine quite badly, doing this. And then it set about damaging Bristol.

[tapping on a mangled fender after running the Hilux into a tree] Jeremy: That'll buff out.

[when the Hilux starts after having been washed out to sea in the Severn estuary] Jeremy: [shouting over the engine roar] I do not believe this! It works!

[At the grassy part of the test track] Jeremy: The problem is, what can we do here that we haven't already tried? [The pick-up then drops behind Jeremy] Difficult one.

[Before the caravan drop on the Hilux] Jeremy: The Americans have used daisy cutters on these things, to no avail. But I have something much more powerful... [cuts to a parked caravan; voiceover] The Mistral GT... [shows the same caravan dropped on the Hilux]

[After the caravan drop] Jeremy: [crawling in through the window] Lordy lord, I'm too old for this. [...] Jeremy: I honestly can't believe this; the steering is fine, the gearbox is fine, the low-range box is fine, the brakes are fine... Even the speedo's telling me we're doing thirty.

[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test] Richard: All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire. James: That was churlish. Jeremy: Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!

[after the end credits] Simon: Can we just stop the competition now? Jeremy: No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!

December 7th, 2003 [3.6] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a pair of wheeled accessories; I discover if the Australians are better at cars than they are at rugby; and James tries to finish the job of killing our Toyota.

Jeremy: Of course, ever since the 2CV, Citroën has been the badge of choice for those of a Guardian disposition.

[on the Citroën C2 Jeremy: [voiceover] Look at the details. The gear lever that seems to have come from a sex shop. The translucent trim. The 12 million gigawatt stereo. And the bumf, which is full of words like "wicked" and "cool". Jeremy: [standing in front of the car] Now this, it seems, is the language of something called cruising, which... isn't what I thought it was.

[at a tuner meeting] Jeremy: This cruising thing. What's it about? Young man: What's it about? Jeremy: Yeah. Young man: It's about flexing, man. Jeremy: It's about what? Young man: Flexing, like. Having a good time, you know. Jeremy: Flexing? Young man: Yeah, yeah. [crowd of young people laughs at Jeremy's oldster incomprehension] Jeremy: What the f--k are you on about? [appeals to the crowd] What is flexing? Another young man: Flexing means winding, basically. Jeremy: It means winding. I'm none the wiser! We're flexing, we're winding... Does anybody here speak English? Does anybody speak English here? A third young man: Showing off. Jeremy: Showing off! This man speaks English! [crowd applauds] Flexing and winding means showing off.

[back in the studio after the tuner film] Jeremy: That makes me feel very sad, that. James: Why? Jeremy: Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant. James: Mm. We did have cruising, though. Jeremy: I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]

[having interrupted the second Toyota torture film at a critical moment] James: I'll show you what happened later. Richard: That's evil! James: It stops people turning over to Heartbeat.

[on modern British consumers] Richard: They earn money, they see stuff in shops, and they buy it. That's just the way most of us are. Me! I'm partial to a shirt!

[discussing the Renault Mégane CC and the Peugeot 307 CC] Richard: [voiceover] So just why are these cars so modern-Britain? Well, for one thing, they are achingly fashionable, inside and out, with designer touches everywhere. Richard: Look at that: the brushed aluminium on matte black effect. That's perfection to a bloke, that is. I'd have all my clothes in brushed aluminium on matte black if I could.

[on the Peugeot 307 CC and Renault Mégane CC] Richard: As we stand here, both of these cars are slowly sinking into the floor. They're that heavy. Jeremy: So if I were to say to you, "OK, I'm going to shave your poodle... " Richard: Right. Jeremy: "... unless you tell me which one you'd have." Richard: [looks at a loss] Jeremy: Which one or the poodle's bald. Richard: ... Bring on the razor, mate, I'm afraid.

Sanjeev Bhaskar: Now, Indians do like bling. I mean, if there was a Datsun Bling... Jeremy: Well, hold on a minute. Now, we've had flexing, I've got that, and winding... what's bling? Sanjeev: Bling is just, you know, flash. Color. It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."

Sanjeev: I'll tell you the reason that I stopped driving [in India]. I did about a mile and I told my cousin to take over. And I said - it was at night, and nobody uses their headlights, or very few people use their headlights because, you know, you wear 'em out. You'd just have to buy another one. Um, and so there was, there was - I stopped when I saw one headlamp coming towards me, and I said, "Look, I don't know if that's a scooter or it's a truck with one failed headlamp. And he kind of - my cousin stopped for a second, he said, [in Indian accent] "Or two scooters transporting a wardrobe." I said - I said, "You know, you're right, there is that third option. I'm an idiot. I don't know why I didn't think of it."

James: If I could only have one drink for the rest of my life, it would be a pint of bitter. And if I could only drive one supercar, it would be this: the Aston Martin Vantage.

James: In order to understand the impact of the Vantage, I want you to imagine a simple scene down your local boozer. Now, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche, all that lot - they're the blokes round the bar with the big opinions. Giving it lots of that. [mimes talking] Aston Martin is the quiet bloke in the corner, with his pint of best and the crossword. And then, suddenly, he decides he's had enough. So he gets up, he takes them all outside, and he gives them a bloody good hiding.

James: The Italians, you see, would concentrate on making a really, really fast car, but then they'd start to worry about all the practical stuff, like, where's the driver going to sit, and can he see out, and how are you going to join up all those wires that make the lights work? The British way, however, is to start with a normal car and then make it very fast. Think of the Jaguar XJR. It's one of the world's most comfortable saloon cars, and it just happens to go like a stabbed rat.

James: Say you wanted to bang in a nail. You could belt it really hard with a little hammer, or you could give it a tap with a really big one. The Aston's engine is a sledgehammer.

[on the V8 engine in the Vauxhall Monaro] Jeremy: It's far from the most sophisticated engine in the known universe, but because it's so big, you can put it in sixth and pootle around at three, doing plenty of miles to the gallon. Or you can poke it with a stick. Then you will go from nought to sixty in six and a half seconds and reach a top speed of over 160. Usually sideways.

[for a joke, Clarkson claims that the car issues insulting voice messages if the traction control is engaged] Monaro: Backs to the wall, everyone, there's a pom on board! He's turned the traction control on! What a poofter.

Monaro: You hopeless pom. Jeremy: Shut up. Monaro: And you got lucky in the rugby. Jeremy: Shut up!

Jeremy: It's big and simple and I love it.

Jeremy: Pray silence, please, for Dame Edna Everstig.

Jeremy: Damn! I think I've won.

[in the studio, after the film showing the Hilux falling with the roof of an imploding tower block] Jeremy: Now, we've seen that it started. James: Yeah, it did start. Jeremy: But did it move? James: I can hardly believe this myself - ladies and gentlemen, here it is! [horribly battered but still moving under its own power, the Hilux enters the studio]

[on the state of the utterly smashed but still running Toyota] Richard: That's not bad. I've taxed worse.

Jeremy: We could carry on trying to destroy it, but do you know what? I think we should build a plinth.

December 14th, 2003 [3.7] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy: The Germans always aim high. Stalingrad by Christmas and the world by Easter, and then we'll sort out Rover.

Jeremy: The Porsche Cayenne: the first car ever to be named after an ingredient.

[on the Cayenne] Jeremy: Nought to 60 takes five seconds. And about 17 gallons of fuel.

Richard: [on the CityRover] At 6,900 pounds it is too expensive, particularly as, well it's rubbish.

Jeremy: [voiceover] As an engineering exercise, the Cayenne is astonishing. Only the Germans could've pulled it off. But all their efforts with the power and the speed and the toughness and the agility - they were all a complete and utter waste of time. Because look at it. [pulls over, gets out] Jeremy: I think what they tried to do is make the front look like a 911. Which it doesn't. And then from here back it looks like they just haven't bothered! Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It is a monkfish among cars. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis, and frankly I would rather walk back to the studio than drive another yard in it. So I shall. [looks around, points] That way. [walks out of frame]

[on the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren] Richard: So much grip! It'll crease the road before it lets go, I'm sure.

[on the SLR's engine] Richard: It puts out six hundred and twenty-six brake horsepower, and more torque than in all the rest of the cars in the world added together.

Richard: This is the sort of power that planets are built with! Awesome!

[disappointed by the SLR's interior] Richard: There's plastic - [raps on dash] - in here. Come on.

Richard: And then they tell you - proudly! - that there's enough room in the boot for two sets of golf clubs. And that worries me, that's just fat-businessman stuff. It's a marriage between McLaren and Mercedes, the SLR. And it's brilliant! I just wish it was a bit more McLaren and a bit less Mercedes.

[on the MG XPower SV] Jeremy: Inside, it's pretty much as you'd expect: hopeless. I've got no satellite navigation, no electric seats, no airbag, and while there is a third gear - nnnngh! - I don't really have the strength to engage it. Furthermore, this window doesn't go all the way down, as you can see, the antilock brakes are broken, there's nowhere to put my left leg, the dashboard looks like I made it, and half the time the dials come over all Longbridge-ish and go on strike.

Jeremy: This car has one of the world's great engines, a big, gurgling V8 with huge torque and an even huger thirst. Flat-out, at 165 miles an hour, this car is using a kilo of fuel every minute. That's jet fighter consumption, but then it goes like a jet fighter!

Jeremy: Oh, this is terrific! Just imagine how good it would be if you could get third.

[after Jeremy bangs his head on the XPower SV's door frame during a hard maneuver] Richard: I could watch that all day! Who'd like to see it in slow motion?

Richard: But it does sound a lot like a TVR in feeling, you know, noisy and different... Jeremy: Yes, except a TVR has got a better interior than this, and actually, I think a TVR will be more reliable. Richard: [giggling] Just how bad was that knock on your head?

Richard: Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car!

Jeremy: This car is plastic. It has a stupid rear spoiler and it's made by a company no one's ever heard of on an industrial estate in Leicestershire. So for posing it's hopeless. But for the undiluted thrill of driving, it's almost impossible to do better.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble] Richard: He just - he misses the point, he's reduced the whole thing to a mathematical equation! That's not a car, it's a calculator.

[on Jeremy's advocacy of the Noble and Richard's of the Morgan Plus 8] James: They've brought the wrong cars.

[advocating the Rover 75] James: There's nothing raucous about its V6 engine. It rides more smoothly than a Rolls-Royce Corniche. And it's trimmed like a first-class cabin on the Titanic. Before it sank.

James: The problem with the Morgan is, it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the forties.

[on the Noble] James: This is a bathroom appliance.

Jeremy: So, with the very greatness of Britain resting on his shoulders, the Stig is away.

Jeremy: That is German music! The treacherous Stig's listening to Beethoven! Although he probably knows it simply as the tune from the IBM ad.

December 21st, 2003 [3.8] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Audi's new V6 ankle bracelet; A moment of madness from Aston Martin; And Johnny Vegas in our Reasonably-Priced Car - which should be interesting since he can't drive!

[while interviewing Johnny Vegas] Johnny: I wanted a people carrier, but you've slated it so much on the show. Jeremy: Well people carriers are for people who've given up. Johnny: Look at me!

[on the Peugeot 206 GTi] Jeremy: It manages to be so heavy when it's made out of spit and Kleenex.

Richard: What I like is the way Jeremy's taken on a kind of a bouncer role here. I mean, just leaping around the audience looming at people.

Jeremy: [trying to get onto the buyer list for a Ford GT] Fords are magnificent in every way.

December 28th, 2003 [3.9] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Cameron Diaz tests Lamborghini's lightweight Murciélago naked; We drive Schumacher's F1 Ferrari; And our Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car is her Majesty, the Queen.

James: Have a look at this, this is our - Jeremy's - bar bill from the Isle of Man trip. [allows large stack of fanfold printer paper to fall to the floor] That's a huge number of fruit-based drinks.

[accompanied by James playing the theme music on a Casio keyboard] Richard: On tonight's cut-price Top Gear: A small plastic car that's actually quite economical; we take a seasonal Yuletide trip to, eh... Birmingham; oh, and we do have a supercar! Albeit a quite cheap one.

[on the Chrysler Crossfire] Jeremy: Now, of course, being a coupé, the styling is hugely important, and... oh dear.

Jeremy: Nought to 60 takes 7.2 seconds. There are animals which are faster than that.

Jeremy: So. It looks like a dog doing a poo; it's slow, uncomfortable, expensive, and cursed with a cramped, badly trimmed interior, an awful gearbox and no back seats. The engine doesn't make a particularly sporty noise, the ride is terrible, and it isn't especially economical.

[on the Brabus Smart Roadster V6 Bi-Turbo] Richard: It's like a bottle of sports car concentrate.

[nomination for the Dullest Formula 1 Driver of the Year award] Richard: Kimi Räikkönen. He's 24 years old, he's paid millions of pounds a year, and he chooses to live... in Chigwell.

[Ugliest Car of the Year] Jeremy: Now those were the nominations, but I'm overruling all of them. I'm playing my joker and I'm going to say that the winner is the BMW... range!

Jeremy: It's the Enemy of the State Award, the person who's done the most to harm the cause of the petrolhead these last 12 months. Gentlemen, the nominations. Richard: The Chief Constable of North Wales, Richard Brunstrom, for his resolutely unpopular anti-motorist stance. James: There are no more nominations.

[nominations for Surprise of the Year] Richard: And the Vauxhall Signum. In particular, we were surprised that anyone could be catatonically stupid enough to make a people carrier that can actually carry fewer people than the saloon on which it's based.

James: There's normally something really tragic about the bottom of the range. You know, the 1.6 version. A little boot badge that says you're on the bottom rung. And you sit there in a world of velour looking at a little - a little slot on the dashboard where you know there would be a switch if this was a posh version, but instead you've got a little bit of plastic that just blanks it off. And you can't help driving along and thinking, "If I'd just paid a bit more attention at school and if I'd just worked a bit harder, I'd have air conditioning."

[on the Jaguar XJ6] James: This car has that magic X-factor that we like so much on Top Gear. You'd sort of expect it to be really boring, but then when you drive it, you discover it makes perfect sense. I mean, here's a Jaguar that saves you a shedload of cash, and in return, all it asks is that you just press the pedal a bit harder. That's it!

Richard: And as for the Alfa 147 GTA, well, that's not dead, but it's as mad as a badger.

Richard: It's always been a bit of an old-school hooligan, the Civic Type R. If it were in a porn film, it would play the stable lad. Or the plumber. Rather than the smooth international businessman.

[on the Honda NSX-R] Richard: And there's this. The gaiter at the base of the gear lever. Usually leather, it's been replaced with fine mesh to save 10 grams. I could've done that wearing a thinner pair of socks.

Richard: The thing is, no matter how hard it tried, it was never a Ferrari.

Series 4 [ edit ]

May 9th, 2004 [4.1] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: an awful new car from Rover; a brilliant new car from Aston Martin; and the Apache helicopter gunship: can it get missile lock on a Lotus Exige?

Jeremy: "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (Regarding a Strokes song the show used).

Jeremy: [trying to out-manoeuvre an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot. Jeremy: That's not something you see everyday, a gunship in your rear view mirror.

Jeremy: Get out of the way, you Polish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?!

[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.] Jeremy: Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it? Audience (Including James): No! Richard: Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt? Jeremy: How much is it going to cost? Richard: It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17,500, £15,500 for the Cooper, about £13,500 I think for the Mini One. James: That's horrible. Richard: Well, yeah, but the Mini, it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at the Mini]. Jeremy: It's a metrosexual car. Richard and James: [in unison] A what?! Jeremy: Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard] Richard: Don't point at me, mate. Jeremy: He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay. Richard: [talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual! Jeremy: You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture] Richard: Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is? Jeremy: I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well. Richard: You're probably right.

May 16th, 2004 [4.2] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: a pink Ford; a black man's Cadillac; and I go berserk in a Silver Arrow.

[during a news segment] Jeremy: Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery? Richard: They're magnificent! James: Fantastic! Richard: It's worth getting one—well you won't get one 'cos... [Jeremy spots someone in the audience] Jeremy: Jesus is here! Richard: Well, we never knew! Jeremy: Who have we booked as the guest this week? Richard: Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet. Jeremy: Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then! Jesus: At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy? Both: Wahey!

[on the Cadillac Escalade] Richard: [voiceover] American cars usually have pretty rubbish interiors, and inside the Escalade's, it's business as usual. Look [taps dashboard], they've just cut a wheelie bin to make that bit. It's all one lump of plastic. [voiceover] In American you can buy one of these motorized shopping malls for 28,000 pounds. But as is the way with these things, by the time it gets over here with some toys on it and the forms filled out, it's 50,000 pounds.

Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Jeremy: (On the Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren) "It sounds like the god of thunder gargling a hammer."

May 23rd, 2004 [4.3] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Jordan makes a boob in our Liana; Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track; And we have some crashes on purpose.

Jeremy and James: [upon Richards arrival] HE'S BOUGHT A ROVER!!!

Richard: What I really do want is a radio. Jeremy: (Listening to his radio) Robbie Williams played through a 1980's Volvo stereo. Richard: I'd listen to radio 3! Or The Archers on 4! Jeremy: (singing along) Thoughts running through my head... Richard: Oh, I wish I had a radio! Jeremy: That's the worst stereo I've ever heard in my life. Richard: God, I wish I had a radio! Jeremy: (smug) But it is a stereo. And Hammond doesn't have one.

[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars] Richard: If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions? Jeremy: If I were a tall man? Richard: Funny...Very funny...

Richard: There is, coming up ahead, an enormous cloud of smoke, which I can only assume is Jeremy.

[on the Italian police's Lamborghini Gallardo] Jeremy: Yes, but we've been wondering all week, why? Because it is impossible to commit a motoring offence in Italy! James: I've been stopped by the Italian police. Jeremy: What for? James: I was doing about 110 in an Aston Martin DB7. I overtook the police car on a left hand bend and he pulled me up at the next lay-by because I'd left the filler flap open at the garage. Jeremy: It's a style thing is what you're saying. Richard: What? Spoling the lines of the car? James: He didn't even say anything. He came out and he went up and he went (mimes pushing the filler cap closed with a stern expression). I thought I was going to get a ticket for being unsetting.

[on the 1968 Dodge Charger's brakes] Richard: (voiceover) But as for going from sixty to naught... Oh dearie me... Richard: (nervously) I'm braking! (The car shows no sign of slowing.) Quite firmly! Fffff- (The car finally stops and Richard is visibly relieved) I was considering evasive then! Ha ha ha!

[watching Jeremy's £100 Volvo start it's speed run] Richard: The thing is just not going away! It's still there!

Jeremy: [reading] "Each of you must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph. You lose 10 points if you're killed, 5 points for each broken bone, and 1 point for each blood injury." Richard: Right. That sounds-... Jeremy: I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually. Richard: With your Volvo. Jeremy: With my Volvo. Richard: By contrast, with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared. [to May, who is looking unhappy] James, are you all right? James: Have a crash? On purpose?

[about to crash his £100 Audi] James: Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.

[James has just crashed his £100 Audi] Jeremy: Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear... Richard: No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round! Jeremy: He's alive! Richard: He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[on crashing his £100 Audi] James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Then it was my turn, and I had a problem. The speedo wasn't working, so I had to guess how fast thirty was, and I got it a bit wrong.

[about to crash his £100 Volvo] Jeremy: GERONIMO!

[Just after he crashed his Volvo] Jeremy: "Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[During the 996 GT3 RS vs Ferrari 360 Challenge Stradale] Jeremy: "Eat my exhausts, Badoer!"

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo] Jeremy: ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

May 30th, 2004 [4.4] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Some big challenges; Can you play darts with cars?; Which is faster, a Ford or a pigeon; And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?

Jeremy: [while lying underneath a Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the venturi tunnels!

Jeremy: Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"

Jeremy: My name... is Jack Bauer. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

Richard: [After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan! [At the end of the film] Jeremy: You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

[On the new Mitsubishi Lancer and Subaru Impreza] Richard: And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.

June 13th, 2004 [4.6] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

Jeremy: There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits? Jeremy: Never. Do you? Terry: No. Jeremy: Foxes? Terry: No! Jeremy: No? [silence] Terry: ...children? Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children. Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game. James: Oh dear....

Richard: [About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

[on Cadillac's decision not to sell their new CTS in Britain] Richard: That's not really surprising because the last Cadillac to be in the United Kingdom, was the STS. And that was rubbish. And I do mean, rubbish. [voiceover] It handled and looked like a pig, there was no reason for that car to be sale in Great Britain at all.

Richard: damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

July 11th, 2004 [4.7] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard try their hand at minicabbing; I drive a smoking jacket from Holland; and our Reasonably-Priced Car says Hello!... to Lionel Richie.

[on the Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG] Jeremy: ...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number. Mercedes Computer: Dialling. Jeremy: I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number. Mercedes Computer: The number please? Jeremy: [quickly] 01785. Mercedes Computer: 0785. Jeremy: No, you missed the one. Mercedes Computer: Pardon? Jeremy: You missed the one. Mercedes Computer: The number is deleted, please continue. Jeremy: See what I mean? Mercedes Computer: 202. Jeremy: Where did that come from? Mercedes Computer: Pardon? Jeremy: And so it goes on.

[on what it takes to become a minicabber] James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

James: Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]

[on the Spyker C8] Jeremy: Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

July 18th, 2004 [4.8] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Richard says goodbye to a motoring icon; The fastest car in the world comes to our track; And how good is the Citroën 2CV in a crosswind?

July 25th, 2004 [4.9] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard take some cabrios to the wilds of Scotland; I go skiing on the B4796; And can you parachute into a moving car?

[during the Cool Wall] Jeremy: [on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat? Audience Member: They're not good. They're French! Jeremy: Where the hell do we get this audience from?! Richard: A gardening programme, mate... Jeremy: Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!

[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"] Richard: You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world. Jeremy: [apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then? Richard: Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did. Jeremy: God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

August 1st, 2004 [4.10] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo estate; The Hamster goes to see the 'Vette; And I go off road in a BMW that can't.

Richard: [On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

Richard: [On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

Richard: [On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

James: [On the Volvo V50] There's a touch of Ikea to all this, but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

[On the BMW X3] Jeremy: And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

Patrick Kielty: [On the Delorean] Ok, look. I'm from Northern Ireland, to start with, right. So if you're from Northern Ireland, and someone actually tries to build a sports car factory, in Belfast, in 1980, when Belfast is more like downtown Baghdad, then manages to come over and build something which is aesthetically quite pleasing, and in the process, manages to take Margaret Thatcher for 100 million, and still has time to end up in a hotel room with a suitcase full of snow that Alberto Tomba couldn't ski down, I think he's a bit of a hero.

Series 5 [ edit ]

October 24th, 2004 [5.1] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: just the thing for an already confused world, another Porsche 911; we get sand in the trunks of 3 muscle cars; and how many bouncy castles can you jump in an ice-cream van?

Jeremy: (About the Porsche 996) "[...] it wasn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man could go off and have his mid-life crisis... I liked it a lot!"

Jeremy: [voice-over during the drifting challenge] The Monaro did beat the Jag but now it's the turn of the Chrysler.....and oh dear! Jeremy: [in the car]The Americans lectured the world on democracy and then WON'T LET ME TURN THE TRACTION CONTROL OFF! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A BIG BAD DANGEROUS MUSCLE CAR! [American accent] Oh struth, you may hurt yourself! [normal voice again] A car designed by health and safety this one.

James: [Testing the Chrysler 300C on the beach] Stop interfering, you piece of... cheap electronic tat!

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 997 Carrera] So to sum up. The new Carrera is pretty much the same as old one except the gear lever comes off. This, however, is not a standard Carrera. This is a Carrera S. And the S stands for: So, fat, balding, middle-aged man, go and have your mid-life crisis somewhere else.

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 911 range] "And then the 3.8 S with the chrono sport pack, for thin, chiselled-jawed people who have no friends. Like the Stig, for instance!"

Jeremy: "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!"

[On the Hummer aftershave] Jeremy: It comes in a jerrycan of repressed homosexuality.

October 31st, 2004 [5.2] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: the Ferrari Enzo, the Jaguar XJ220, the Pagani Zonda, the McLaren F1, the Ferrari F40 and the Porsche Carrera GT!

[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1] Jeremy: This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.

[on the McLaren F1] Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!

Jeremy: This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.

Jeremy: That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]

Jeremy: Atom heart mother!

Jeremy: It's a saucerful of secrets!

Jeremy: Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!

Jeremy: Now then, we can give this car back to Mr. Mason, because we're done with it. But look at how he's going home. [Mason steps into a helicopter to the opening strains of Money and flies away] Jeremy: [As he waves goodbye] Why's he doing that?

Jeremy: These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.

Jeremy: All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.

Jeremy: Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.

James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand, it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronizing Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn it into a museum. He wants the East End full of cheeky, Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels, and he wants northerners to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of the consumption - "Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption; it's tradition, alright." I say, Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching, because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras, saying, "Gee, I love your history, it's just so old." SOD OFF!

Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard... Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right. Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program. Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it? Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes... Richard: She said that? She sounds all right! Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart. [Audience laughs] Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right. Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address? Richard: Not really, no... Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor. Richard: Broadmoor? Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know- Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up! Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?' Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know? James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding. Richard: I don't like that.

November 7th, 2004 [5.3] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!

Jeremy: (Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"

Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

November 14th, 2004 [5.4] [ edit ]

[During the opening sequence.] Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.

[On the Wally 118] Richard: Welcome to the coolest thing in the entire world, a boat...If Darth Vader was a pirate, this would be his ship.

Richard: [While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] This is my new home. In fact, I would sell my house, buy one of these, and live in a tunnel...Welcome to the Dark Side!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.

[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review] Jeremy: This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone! Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one. Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!

[During the news] James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right? Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah. James: I approve of those. Jeremy: Why? James: Because I'm a motorcyclist. Jeremy: What's that got to do with it? James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike. Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought—why? James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throt