Welcome to the Deadpool character bio, nerds! I mean...True Believers! Brought to you by me, myself, and I: the fabulous Deadpool! I could have let some smelly pencil-pushing intern spell out my life story for you, but you deserve better.

So, here it is, straight from the Merc with a Mouth's mouth—every detail of my morally ambiguous, mentally unstable, innuendo-laden past. From my very first appearance in NEW MUTANTS #98, to my latest booty-kicking, comic relief-ing anti-heroics, to a third thing that I can't think of right now, this is the definitive history of Deadpool.

Okay, intro's over. Let the solemn origin story fade in?

Section One (My Origin)

Call me Ishmael.

Just kidding. Don't do that.

Like any misunderstood hero, I probably had a difficult childhood that led to my career as a professional killer. That, or someone brainwashed me into murdering my parents. If I don't remember, does it really count? Or matter?

Let's just say that I was an orphan, a wizard put me on my aunt and uncle's doorstep, they raised me in secret, and then I went to a special magic school where a bald man regularly tried to murder me with voodoo.

Okay, that's not true...but I do have a scar on my forehead! Several, actually!

Anyway, seriously, I joined the military at 17 years-old, but was discharged soon thereafter. So, naturally, I decided to become an assassin (which is, by the way, an incredibly fun word to write).

Then I met Wade and Mercedes Wilson, a young couple that nursed me back to health after an early failed job. Some may say that I killed them both in an attempt to steal Wade's identity, but guys, come on. I'm the real Wade Wilson.

While working as a hired gun, I met the expensively beautiful Vanessa Carlyle, and we made a perfectly dysfunctional pair. I then got an assignment to kill a British operative named Althea (important moment readers, I'm meeting my best friend here) but decided to kill everyone else instead. Doing this made my employers...unhappy. So they tried to kill Vanessa. Luckily, a special agent named Zoe Culloden—who'd been spying on me to try and convert me into some kind of messiah protector—rescued Vanessa. Weird subplot, I know.