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So many lies happening here. Governor, don't ever let them get you on a witness stand.

If Gov. Robert Bentley's sex scandal were a typical scandal, the public relations cleanup would be easy, but a mess like this takes professional help. What the governor needs is a fixer. Not Doug Stamper, nor Olivia Pope. Who Gov. Bentley needs is me.

Welcome to Kyle Whitmire's Political Crisis Management in Three Easy Steps.

Step One: If someone knows your secrets, keep them close.

Don't throw them out of windows. Certainly don't fire them and accuse them of crimes.

If you do accuse them of crimes, don't make vague wishy-washy statements about ongoing criminal investigations. If you have the goods on them, make them public. Otherwise, nobody will believe you.

But seeing, governor, as how you already blew this one when firing ALEA Sec. Spencer Collier, let's skip to Step Two.

Step Two: Bolt the doors.

No public appearances where reporters can ask pesky "did you or didn't you" questions.

If you decide to ignore the advice, don't say to the press that you're only taking questions on Topic B, because what that means to the press is "I dare you to ask about Topic A."

Somebody will take that dare every single time.

Also, if decide you have to apologize publicly for anything, then apologize for something. Don't say you're taking responsibility for the thing you did and then not say what that thing was, or that no such thing -- which you may or may not be taking responsibility for -- ever happened.

Also, don't say you haven't heard the tapes when everyone else in the room has heard the tapes.

OK, all this is ugly and there's no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. Let's just jump to step three.

Step Three: Just shut up, already.

This is the same as Step Two, but you didn't want to follow Step Two so we're going to try again with Step Three.

Safety Tip: If you have someone handling external communications, make certain that when they argue with the press that they don't cop to possible felonious violations of the Fair Campaign Practices Act.

Oh, wait. That happened? Well, great. Did I say Three Easy Steps? I meant "four."

Step Four: Wait for the next guy's turn.

Eventually, another big thing will come along. The rabid hordes with their pitchforks and torches will grow bored and move along.

Lucky you, the next big thing is on the horizon. Next month, Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard will face a jury in Opelika, where he will be on trial for 23 counts of felony ethics violations.

It's guaranteed to be a circus, with a witness list that's a Who's Who of Alabama politics. Everybody will forget about this silly sex scandal and you can move ...

Umm, governor, what's that on your desk? Is that a subpoena?

There shouldn't have to be five steps, but ...

Step Five: Never go under oath.

The Bible says the truth will set you free, but let's face it. That's only in a spiritual sense and most folks gave up on your soul a long time ago.

In the I-might-have-broke-the-law and Oh-God-I-got-a-subpoena sense, telling the truth on a witness stand might just land you in jail.

You see, on a witness stand, defense lawyers can impeach your credibility (which is guaranteed to happen) which is different than the Legislature impeaching you (never going to happen).

Get ready to hear ...

"Governor, have you ever lied to the people of Alabama?"

Or ...

"Governor, have you ever lied to your wife?"

And the questions will only get worse from there. And if you've already answered questions one way in front of a grand jury, don't -- don't ever -- give another answer on the witness stand.

If that thought even enters your mind, direct your gaze at the defense table. Look at Hubbard sitting there. Does he look like this was how he imagined his political career playing out? Does he look uncomfortable sitting quietly in that chair?

Take a good look governor. If you make one more misstep, you could be sitting there next.

Because the professional help you need right now isn't from me. I can't help you. Nor can Olivia Pope, Doug Stamper or Karl Rove.

Who you need now is a lawyer.