Guys I’ve been doing a lot of reading on Tumblr and I’ve stumbled onto a faction of the radfem-dykequeer-genderfat movement that a lot of people might not be aware of. It’s called the anti-PIV crowd and no, PIV isn’t some new STD.

Apparently human beings, including you, have been having sex wrong since shortly after the dawn of time. We mistakenly believe that we’re supposed to engage in what’s known as PIV sex, that is, Penis-In-Vagina sex. Guess what? PIV sex is rape. Every time you’ve had sex you’ve either been raped, or you’re a rapist.

The sex that most people are doing now is actually just an invention of the patriarchy. It’s rape. Men invented PIV sex because it’s degrading to women and it’s suited to only pleasure them. That’s why most women never achieve orgasm during intercourse without additional clitoral stimulation. That’s why women have been oppressed since the beginning of recorded history. Every society and every culture is built upon the underlying act of rape.

In real sex – meaning the original sex that we were biological programmed for – the man is supposed to place his balls into the woman’s pussy, and then her pussy flexes and crushes the balls. The uterus then sucks sperm out of the crushed scrotum like a soup dumpling. When a man’s testicles are being crushed, the pain of being castrated by a woman causes the penis to go erect. This is because men subconsciously desire emasculation by women. The pleasure men are supposed to derive from sex is entirely psychological – they aren’t supposed to get off from physical stimulation of the penis. When the penis gets hard with the balls inside the pussy, it rubs up against and stimulates the clitoris, and this is how a woman reaches orgasm. When the woman begins to cum, her pussy constricts further, which provides the requisite strength to completely crush the balls and get to the sperm.

After the balls were crushed, the man would jump back in excruciating pain, which would cause the pussy to rip his scrotum and dick off of his body. The pussy would then suck the dick and balls up into the uterus, and this would provide food for the developing baby. The reason that babies are born completely incompetent nowadays is a direct result of the fetus not having the dick and balls of the father to eat while in the womb. The gestation period is shortened, and the baby comes out underdeveloped.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – sure balls are soft, but how could a pussy be strong enough to not only crush balls but also rip a dick off of someone’s body? Even with kegeling every day, isn’t that a little unrealistic? No, it’s not.

See women’s vaginas used to be a lot tighter, but when men formalized rape through widespread PIV sex, vaginas were systematically loosened through selective breeding. The original pussy was too powerful for a man to put his penis in it, and when men took control of the world, they stopped mating with women whose pussies were too tight.

In Paleolithic times, men were subservient and women had all of the power. Food was gathered, everyone was on a vegan diet, and men stayed at home to be shamed by the female children. Cave women were empowered in ways that the modern woman could only dream about. There was only one thing missing – shopping.

Women grew jealous of the animals, what with their elaborate fur coats and fancy paws. So, the women bred physically strong men for the purposes of hunting animals for their coats and shoes. This plan backfired however, as the physically strong men rebelled against the women leaders, and invented rape. Despite the power of female intuition and gossip, which at the time were secrets not shared with men, they could not compete with the overpowered slave men, and the power was wrested from their hands and pussies.

For forty thousand years now, humans have been engaging in formalized rape. If you consider yourself a feminist – stop letting men rape you, I don’t care how cute he is. And if you’re a man who considers himself a feminist, why not try to show your partner that you care by trying out real sex for a change? Obviously, for the reasons stated above, her pussy won’t be strong enough to crush your balls, but maybe you could smash them with a hammer and rip your dick off with pliers?