https://jobs.usc.edu/applicants/jsp/shared/frameset/Frameset.jsp?time=1328817500605

“We’re HIRING! Do you have an expert level of knowledge and a high level of skill in the sport of football? USC Trojan football needs an Assistant Football Coach to join its team!”

Dear sir or madam,

I am perfect for this job, and I am exactly the candidate you’re looking for. In glancing at my resume, you’ll note that I have no direct experience in coaching; do not let this deter you. To work for Coach Kiffin, one must be ready and able to bring an appropriate level of arrogance to work on a daily basis. What’s more arrogant than applying for a job without the needed qualifications? Aside from wearing a pristine white visor every game day and responding to unfair sanctions by eating Bruins alive on national television, nothing. What I lack in directly applicable skills, I make up for with my many other sterling qualities. For starters, my intelligence and ability to adapt are simply unmatched. When I was nine years old, my family moved from Korea to California. I did not speak English at the time. After having grown tired of being magnitudes better at math, science, and taking care of the class hamster than my so-called glue-eating “peers,” I decided that it was time to master the language; within a week, I was composing long essays on the potential demise of domestic manufacturing (published in the July, August, and September issues of The Atlantic in 1996), had written a one-act about my life, and was busy bringing girls to tears with my crushingly beautiful poetry. Additionally, I possess computer-like analytical skills, skills crafted and polished during several years of dominating the impossibly demanding Korean education system. I am also insanely handsome, to the point of being a distraction to everyone around me. Quite arrogantly, I refuse to rely on my good looks for career advancement, and have actually worn a fat suit and ugly clothes to work every day of my professional career, merely to prove that even as an obese man with a dubious fashion sense, I can move up corporate ladders with an ease that calls to mind a young Roger Federer playing on the grass of Wimbledon. My morals are more flexible than overcooked spaghetti. I will recruit with any level of shadiness the staff needs, and I will never get caught, for I am a classically-trained ninja (remember: Asian).

The list goes on and on, and I suppose I could keep writing about them because, let’s face it, you love reading the words that flow from me like neck fat flows from Chip Kelly and ugly flows from Andrew Luck, but I will refrain for now. Whenever you are ready to host me on campus, I will be more than happy to detail my many other qualifications in person, perhaps over some Pappy Van Winkle that I will provide. Trust me (and you know you can’t help but to trust me, because I’ve already charmed the pants right off of you [related: please put your pants back on]) when I say that you will never regret a single minute spent speaking to me. No one ever has, and no one ever will.

Ultimately, I am a Trojan, and thusly, I am better than everyone else. Even if the program could somehow resurrect Bill Walsh and convince him to work for pennies, would you want that Stanford Cardinal over me, a young, unflappable, courageous, and (not to beat a dead horse here) ludicrously attractive Man of Troy? The answer is no, you would not. Fight On runs thick in my veins. You know I won’t fail, because I am incapable of failing. The University of Southern California made me that way. I would love to come back and properly thank the school that made me insusceptible to the rules that bind mortals to letdown by out-recruiting Coach O, out-game planning Father Kiffin, upping the handsome quotient of the entire staff by at least twelve, and Fighting On harder than anyone’s ever Fought On before. My Fight On will never lapse into the past tense; I will Fight On until we smack around LSU in the national title game, and then I will Fight On so that we can do it again, year after year. To quote Coach Pete Carroll, I will do all these things “better than they’ve ever been done before.” Do I have an “expert level of knowledge” in the sport of football? For as much as I love the game, not yet. But I will. And when I inevitably surpass even Coach Kiffin in knowledge, I will continue to diligently work as an assistant, and will never challenge him for his job. Why? Because my mother raised me right, and I am incredibly polite (remember: Asian).

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to arrange a meeting. I look forward to flying down first-class to meet with the staff soon. Also, please give Layla my warmest regards and tell her that it’s not her fault.

She’ll know what I mean.

Fight On,

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