(*Author’s note: this is intended to be a recurring, spiteful, vitriolic, and — above all else — hateful take on Nebraska’s upcoming opponent for the week.)

I hate that you have a a silent “S” at the end of your state name that only idiots audibly pronounce, sibliantly hissing it out like Lou Holtz reading a fireside story to his snake-grandchildren in Parceltongue.

2. I hate the fact that your coach, Lovie Smith, has a name that sounds like a really not-creative porn star just slapping something together for their stage name.

“Lovie…uh…Smith? Smith, I guess. Yeah, Let’s just go with that.”

3. I hate the fact that your campus is located a mere 134 miles from 2.7 million people in Chicago and yet you’re still being outrecruited by Purdue.

4. I hate that you gave us Red Grange. Now, Grange was an incredible player and arguably the coolest nickname ever. But, I really hate that it was responsible for this movie, loosely based on his life, that was completely insufferable and managed to make the impeccably cool George Clooney look like a total bag. (*Author’s note: Also, Jim from The Office: stop trying to be anyone other than Jim, from The Office. It won’t work.)

(Image via My Nightmares and Also Wikipedia)

5. I hate the fact that you have Hardy Nickerson as your defensive coordinator and you don’t have him dress like this. Because I really think you’re missing out on a golden marketing opportunity with Coca Cola to bring this back. I’m just being honest.

(Via thetradingcarddb.com)

6. I hate the fact that you’re not just owning your school’s illustrious alumni history and naming your field after the man who embodies the true spirit of what it means to be an Illini: this man. #RIPHef

Yes, that would be Hugh Marston Hefner.

7. Oskee Wow-Wow. What is Oskee Wow-Wow, you ask? I’ll let former Illinois head coach Tim Beckman explain in this very clear and concise manner.

Still confused? Yeah, me too. Even in the murky, amphetamine-tempo’d world of college athletics this fight song will go down as one of the most needlessly peppy little skidmarks that the college world has ever seen. And, couple that with the fact that Oskee Wow-Wow sounds like someone trying to do a really racist impression of a person from Japan during WWII and you’ve got yourself a real winner.

8. I hate the fact that one of your all-time greatest quarterbacks also went by “Juice”, but he is now apparently a financial advisor at Merrill Lynch and doing so much better than me that I feel like I can’t even make the obligatory OJ reference.

(*Author’s note: alright, maybe just one.)

Am I jealous of Juice’s professional success after looking at his LinkedIn page? Guilty. Very, very, guilty.

(Courtesy of ESPN.com)

9. I hate the fact that you guys have Jeff George Jr. on your roster and he is fully squandering a chance to pay homage to Sr. (*Author’s note: AKA the Jay Cutler of the 90’s) by working on his mullet game.

(At left, JGJ. At right: the greatest haircut to ever throw 113 career interceptions)

10. I hate the fact that your sparsely populate wasteland of a home stadium is so desolate and abandoned that it looks like the kind of place Buzzfeed would do a post about:

(via blueollie.wordpress.com)

We Went to this Abandoned Football Stadium and it Was Everything! And, By Everything, We Totes Mean It Was Just a Sloppy Football Game With a Few Depressed Drunks

Your stadium has less people in it than the swimming pool after the lifeguards just spotted a floater; not even Sean Spicer would try to say you guys had a large crowd.