Patrick Feb 10, 2014

did not like it 's review

** spoiler alert **



Fuck this book. Don't read it to your kids. That's the short version.



If you want the longer version, settle in. We're going to have a bumpy ride.



Also. There's spoilers here. And cussing. And some indignation. Be warned.



I've always thought of myself as a bit of Roald Dahl fan. I read BFG growing up and loved it. I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and loved it.



But recently, my love dimmed a bit when I read James and the Giant Peach, a book that was a serious boatload of meh. A nickel's worth of story in a dollar-long book.



And don't you DARE say, "Oh it's just a children's book." Or "Kids don't know any better." Or "You can't hold YA fiction to the standards of…"



Stop. Just stop. That's such bullshit that it's an insult to the word 'bullshit.' Kid's books should be just as good as any other books. No. They should be held to a *higher* standard than other literature for the same reason that we take extra care with children's food.



The fact is, what you feed your kids is important, and that includes what they put in their heads as well as what they put in their bellies.



So let's talk about this book: Esio Trot.



In this story, you have Mr. Hopper. He loves two things, the flowers he grew on his balcony, and his downstairs neighbor. Mrs. Silver.



He's terribly lonely and he's terribly shy.



His downstairs neighbor, Mrs. Silver, has a pet tortoise that she adores. The tortoise is named Alfie, he lives on Mrs. Silver's balcony, and Mr. Hoppy is terribly jealous of him.



One day, Mrs. Silver laments to Mr. Hoppy. (They talk while on their balconies. She with her turtle, him tending his garden.) She's had Alfie for eleven years, and he's still tiny. She wishes he would get bigger. "I'd give *anything* to make that happen," she says.



Mr. Hoppy gets all twitterpated hearing this, so he lies to her, telling her he knows a magic spell that will help her tortoise grow. And I quote:



"I beg you to tell me, Mr. Hoppy. I'll be your slave for life!"



When he heard the words your slave for life a shiver of excitement swept through Mr Hoppy.



End quote.



So he gives her some bullshit he makes up, telling her it's a spell he learned from a Bedouin. Then he goes out and buys a hundred tortoises. Then he builds a long grabber arm of the sort you would use if you wanted to, say, steal someone's tortoise off the balcony right below yours.



At this point I thought to myself, "He's not doing what I'm thinking, is he? Then I flipped a couple pages, and told my son that it was bedtime and we'd finish the book tomorrow.



Disappointed, he went to bed. I finished the book.



Here's what happens: Mr. Hoppy spends the next two months slowly replacing Mrs. Silver's pet with progressively larger tortoises.



Mrs. Silver is amazed by this, of course. And out of gratitude, she marries Mr Hoppy.



Then Mr. Hoppy gives away all the tortoises. Including Alfie, Mrs. Silver's pet of 11 years.



Do I really need to explain to anyone that this is fucked up?



Do I feel bad for Mr. Hoppy? This lonely, shy man? Do I empathize with the fact that he loves someone but can't bring himself to tell her? Hell yes. I've *been* that guy. Sure.



But his actions are fucking awful here. And their matter-of-factness makes them doubly awful. Hey there lads" it seems to say, "Love a girl? Here's what you can do! Lie to her, trick her, steal from her, make her obligated to you, then you get to be in a relationship!"



And that's not even touching on the subject that Mrs. Silver is shown to be a complete fucking idiot, who recites a magic spell three times a day to make her tortoise grow. Then fails to notices when her beloved pet of 11 years is exchanged for a completely different animal, not just once, but several, several times….



Suffice to say the next night when my boy asked to read the rest of the story, I deviated from the original script.



This was made a little more difficult by the fact that the book is heavily illustrated. But even so, I was fairly confident I could do better than Dahl's original "trick her into marrying you" storyline.



In my version, in addition to buying a bunch of tortoises and building a tortoise-grabber, Mr Hoppy also goes to the grocery store and buys a bunch of vegetables. He then spends the rest of the week inventing recipes for tortoises and testing them on his new pets, figuring out which ones are the most delicious to tortoises.



Then, every night, he uses his long-armed tortoise grabber to lift Alfie up to his apartment where he feeds him delicious food. And, as we all know, when you eat more, you get bigger, right?



He discovers that what Alfie likes best is some of the flowers Mr. Hoppy grows on his balcony. The flowers Mr. Hoppy loves.



So Mr. Hoppy uses these flowers from his garden in his recipes. (I described these to my boy in some detail to pad out the story. I am a fantasy author after all.) Mr. Hoppy feeds Alfie every night, and Alfie grows bigger and bigger and bigger…



Finally, Mrs. Silver is overcome with joy and invites Mr Hoppy down to her apartment to show off her lovely tortoise. She thanks Mr. Hoppy for his magic spell, and asks him if he'd like to have tea.



Over tea, Mr. Hoppy says, "Mrs. Silver, I have a confession to make."



"Yes?" she says.



"That spell wasn't really magic," he said. "I just made it up."



"Really?" Mrs. Silver said.



"Yes," Mr. Hoppy said. "I've been feeding Alfie special recipes every night so he would grow bigger."



"Oh Mr. Hoppy," Mrs. Silver said. "I already knew that. But I'm so glad you told me yourself."



"You knew?" he said.



"You silly man," she said. "The balcony is right outside two huge windows, just like yours is. How could I not see you grabbing him every night?"



"Ahhh." Mr. Hoppy said, feeling rather embarrassed. He'd thought he was being pretty clever. "You're right of course. I did. You caught me. But I did it because I love you. I knew Alfie was really important to you, and I wanted you to be happy."



"I know that too," Mrs. Silver said. "I'm so glad you're finally brave enough to tell me!"



Then they get married.



I would have preferred for them to go out to coffee and have a date instead, but there was a picture of them getting married in the book, so I had to leave that part in.



In my version, they also worked together to publish a book of recipes for tortoises, and used that money to start a tortoise park, where Mr. Hoppy put his 100 now surplus-to-requirements pets.



But apparently I was pushing my luck there. When I told him the last part, Oot gave me a look. "Did you make that up?" he asked.



"Ahh," I said. "You're right of course. I did. You caught me. But I did it because I love you."