TEL AVIV — A horrific chemical weapons attack in the Sinai that allowed an Army chemical officer to demonstrate his superior training and competency has left hundreds dead and many more injured, sources confirmed today.

2nd Lt. Herschel Goldman, a unit “chemo” with U.S. Task Force Sinai and fresh from basic officer course, is being hailed for his quick decision making, despite his lack of having any fucking clue what to do as sarin-filled artillery shells rained down on the United Nations peacekeeping force.

“It was so terrible,” said Goldman. “Men were dying everywhere. The battalion commander came into my office and asked what we should do. So I told him maybe we should put on our pro-masks or something, but then I remembered that’d we’d locked all the masks up in the connex so we wouldn’t lose any.”

Eyewitnesses to the attack reported dazed soldiers scrambling to ask Goldman for help as they struggled to breathe.

“I couldn’t really answer them, so I just kept my head down and finished the USR [Unit Status Report],” Goldman said. “Of course there was no one to brief the USR, since the entire command team had died right there on the conference room floor, twitching and convulsing as they succumbed to the gas.”

President Obama responded to the devastating attack from The White House, saying that the United States would write a sternly-worded letter to the U.N. demanding an investigation, and warning that if this happens again, he may be forced to write an even more sternly-worded letter.

“What’s really fucked up is that we had actually issued the JSLIST [chemical suits] to the soldiers, but no one would open it, since we’d charge them if the vacuum-seal was broken,” said Staff Sgt. Carlos Montoya, the unit’s chemical non-commissioned officer. “And then it was too late. I just wish someone with proper training could have done something.”

At press time, Goldman had been promoted to 1st Lieutenant and awarded an Army Commendation Medal for completing the Unit Status Report on time and to-standard.