As a black bisexual woman, I've learned there is little more beautiful, powerful, and healing than self-love. Embracing who I am is a radical act, especially when there are still so many persistent myths and misunderstandings about bisexuality, much less the experiences of black bisexual women like me.

While it’s great to see bisexual celebs coming out of the closet—especially bisexual women of color—it’s not enough. Far too often, the “B” in LGBTQ is marginalized, or worse, completely forgotten. Even allies and our own LGBTQ community can sometimes engage in the kind of stereotyping that lends itself to the destructive practice of bi-erasure. Bi-erasure is the assumption that everyone is either straight or gay or lesbian, and it contributes to the marginalization of bisexual people like me.

On any given day, there is a good chance that someone will erase my bisexuality in a simple conversation like this:

Them: So, you work for an LGBTQ organization?

Me: Yeah, I love it.

Them: And you’re married to a man?

Me: Yes…

Them: What’s it like to work for an LGBTQ organization and be straight?

Me: I wouldn’t know. I’m not straight. I’m bisexual.

Them: Oh, but you’re so pretty and feminine.

Me: ::blinks::

While the specifics of the conversation may vary, the underlying message is the same: For many people, my bisexuality, a cornerstone of my identity, simply does not exist.

The ideas that only gay, lesbian, and transgender people would work at an LGBTQ organization and that only straight women marry men are both rooted in bi-erasure. If you see two women holding hands and think, “They must be lesbians,” that’s bi-erasure. Unless you know them personally, it's impossible to know how those women identify. Similarly, if you see a man and woman on a date and immediately assume they're straight, that’s also bi-erasure. Like many other aspects of our identities, you can't know someone’s sexual orientation just by looking.

There's a pervasive myth that bisexuality is a sexual orientation for single people, and once you choose a lifetime partner, you somehow become strictly straight or gay. That’s entirely wrong—bisexuals are as certain in our sexuality as anyone else. No, it’s not a phase! Yes, we can be monogamous! And contrary to popular opinion, being bisexual has nothing to do with sex drive or ideal number of sex partners. In other words, we’re as diverse as any other group.

Sometimes bi-erasure is rooted in biphobia, or prejudice against bi people. Other times, it stems from a lack of education about bisexuality and all that it entails. Either way, it needs to end.

Bi-erasure has made it a struggle for me to claim—and embrace—my true identity. For too long, I've had to fight to exist as my full self.

It took me an entire year of working at a national LGBTQ organization to stop subscribing to the one of the biggest myths society perpetuates about bisexuality. I thought that since I’m happily married to my husband, Scott, there was no reason to “come out” as bisexual because people would never understand. I was convinced I’d lost my opportunity to come out and should have done it when I was single and had the chance.

Eventually, stifling a major part of my identity became too much to bear. I realized that I needed to be who I am, regardless of my marriage to a man, because that was the only way to give my authentic self room to breathe.