MADISON, WI — The employees of Vandelay Industries have been thrown into a panic over their coworker’s new car. Jeff Dessler, who has been with the company for over seven years, arrived to work yesterday with very peculiar designs on his new car. The hood was decorated with pictures of an anime character known as Fate Testarossa, the interior contained many pieces of merchandise related to the character as well. Needless to say, fellow employees felt a tad disturbed by the depiction of the underage character.

“I’ve worked with Jeff for four years,” says Jessica from accounting, “He’s never shown any signs of being this… unstable before. His car just creeps me out, not to mention his desk with this crap now.”

Reports do confirm that Jeff’s desk is covered with anime figures and plushes. His desktop image is currently features a very young character from the children’s TV show Cardcaptor Sakura. More disturbing is Jeff’s mouse pad, which simulates a young woman’s breasts.

Vandelay’s CEO, Vincent A. Mann, described Jeff’s behavior as inappropriate. “Jeff’s a nice guy. He’s friendly, gets his work done on time, and always willing to help out where it counts. In fact he’s one of our top earners, it’s clear that his hobby doesn’t get in the way of his job. But the fact is his anime obsession is gross and I hate it.”

For now none of the employees at Vandelay Industries have confronted Jeff about his car or workplace. Instead they choose the much safer tactic of talking behind his back and avoiding him during lunch breaks. Although there are some that want to resort to more extreme methods.

“Jeff is a pedophile.” says Jessica from the HR department. “I’ve got kids, granted I’ve never brought them into work, but how am I supposed to feel safe knowing that Jeff drives a thing like that! Why can’t he just be normal and hide his hobbies and interests like the rest of us? I’m seriously considering taking this to the police.”

Before leaving Vandelay Industries we spoke to Jeff about his new car. “I like the character of Fate. She went through so much in the first season of Nanoha, but in the end everything turned out daijobu. I know there are some people who might laugh at me, or think I’m weird. But when I drive this anime decaled car I’m just reminded that so long as I work hard, everything will be alright.”

Vincent A. Mann has already begun filing the paperwork for Jeff’s termination, much to the relief of his coworkers.

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