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Thoughtful criticism of America might be fine when you're among Americans, but when somebody starts on a rant about your country and you're the only person from there within a 10-mile radius, it starts to feel a lot like criticism of you. Soon you'll realize that you have only two options in how to respond: act as a dumpster for some douchebag stranger's anti-American inferiority complex, or defend yourself. It's only a matter of time before you'll be yelling things like, "Fuck you, Nixon was an awesome president!" and, "At least Transformers was better than your stupid 'Louvre'!", possibly ending on the phrase "... saved your ass in World War II."

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"Everyone knows lateness is fashionable, asshole."

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Then starts the internal backlash. You ever run into one of those guys who blames everything bad that happens in their life on a particular group, like liberals or women or Jesuit spies? The truth is, being an expat will probably turn you into one of those people. Even if you love your new country, you'll still start blaming it for everything that goes wrong in your everyday life, because you start to look back at the old country with rose-colored lenses.

Recently in L.A., someone ran a red light and left me with a broken car in the middle of a busy intersection. For days afterward, I yelled at anyone who would listen about how awful "California drivers" are, even though back home my brother's car had been written off by an SUV that same week. Living here has apparently made me believe that no one in Australia has ever been in a car accident before.

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The excitement of seeing another car out here would be enough for anyone to swerve wildly.

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There are always exceptions. Maybe none of this will happen to you (and in fact, surely someone will show up in the comments with a story of a perfect emigration experience). But there's a lot better chance of that happening if you know what to expect going in. And most people don't.

Follow C. Coville's Twitter here.

To see what it's like to move to the U.S., check out A Day in America According to a (Baffled) Foreigner. Or check out the gospel according to Cracked in 5 Real Deleted Bible Scenes In Which Jesus Kicks Some Ass.