SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times. “The watch is a good start, but I need as many devices as possible to be directly in contact with my flesh, like lightweight tablets I can strap to my legs or some kind of Apple chestplate I can wear under my shirt,” said 28-year-old Robert Klinman, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who said that any portion of their skin not in contact with an Apple product felt raw and exposed. “Maybe some kind of flexible Apple scarf, or even a full-body LCD sheet I could wrap my body in over and over, and that I’d never have to take off to sync up to my laptop. I mean, can you imagine anything more comforting than the warmth of your Apple pajamas as they gently charge through the night?” At press time, Apple consumers confirmed they would do their best with existing technology by wearing an Apple Watch and simply leaning their cheek against an iPad when they got lonely.

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