Let’s face it: These days, T.V. isn’t exactly the best place to find a male role model. Dexter Morgan? Questionable hobbies. Walter White? Questionable career path. Don Draper? Excellent fashion sense; somewhat less-than-excellent conduct toward women. But there is one television character who, in our estimation, truly seems to know how to Handle Thy Business: _Parks and Recreation’s _Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. Sure, Ron Swanson could teach you how to split a log with your bare hands while fighting a bull moose. But would he know how to maintain his swagger after five shots of Snake Juice? Or would he know when, precisely, to apply a Vince Vaughn quote? We don’t think so. That’s why we asked Ben Schwartz—the man behind the icon—to give us a comprehensive guide to living on Planet Jean-Ralphio.

Etiquette

GQ: We’ve all heard your advice on how to give a proper wedding toast. What’s your strategy for a funeral toast?

Jean-Ralphio: Use the same exact speech. Just wear a fancier tux.

GQ: It’s pouring rain, and you and your female companion(s) are confronted with an enormous puddle. How do you resolve the situation?

Jean-Ralphio: In the above question, it was silly to put a ( ) around the ’s’ in "companions." There will never be just one female companion. If the honey is wearing a white shirt or form-fitting white jeans, I would say, "Hey baby, how fun would it be to jump in this puddle for a while?" If she’s wearing darker, less see-through clothes, I would take out my (now limited edition) Entertainment 720 puddle cover to protect her from the water.

GQ: After successfully crossing said puddle, you continue walking down the street until, all of a sudden, you encounter Drake exiting a limo. How do you introduce yourself?

Jean-Ralphio: "D to the R to the A-K-E. / It’s me J.R., do you want some tea...cups."

GQ: The bouncer at a high-end nightclub proclaims loudly—within earshot of your female companion(s)—that you are not on the list. How do you get into the club anyway?

Jean-Ralphio: First off, I would be worried about his vision. I mean, he’s gotta be blind because we are DEFINITELY on that list. If he is, in fact, blind, I would apologize, then explain that my man Drake is waiting for me inside and I need to get in there to give him these tea cups we were rapping about earlier.