When parents thrust themselves and their small children into a fine dining environment, they instantly alter the atmosphere of the place.

There's usually some media coverage when a cafe or restaurant decides to set an age limit on their customers, one that means small children are excluded.

Abbey Road Burgers in Nelson instituted a child-free policy two months ago, and a follow-up article suggests the ban is working. They're not experiencing a dip in sales and their patrons are happy in the knowledge that their meal won't be interrupted by tiny humans.

The Little Bistro in Akaroa has had the ban in place for over three years, and also claim success.

A spotlight in the media usually means some debate; judging by the comments on the most recent Stuff article with an accompanying poll, around 80 per cent of readers agree with the policy and welcome the option of patronising a restaurant where they can be assured kids won't be a problem.

READ MORE:

* Restaurant owner who bans children has no regrets

* If a restaurant owner wants to ban kids, that's their prerogative

* You can dine out with kids. Here are 10 tricks to make it work for everyone

* Play centre offers parents who can't find babysitters a place for romantic meal

But there are detractors, mostly parents - understandably. They seem to take offence for two main reasons:

1. My kids are always well-behaved. I wouldn't take them out if they weren't.

2. Kids are people too, and should be welcome anywhere.

What these parents are failing to consider is context. And by that I mean they're not looking at the type of establishment that's decided to ban children.

Like The Little Bistro in Akaroa, most child-free restaurants and cafes are not the kind of place that will have a kids' menu. The fare is often quite sophisticated (in other words, highly unlikely to appeal to a child's underdeveloped palate and therefore more likely to end up on the floor), and the environment itself is usually quiet and intimate. In other words, it's the kind of place where adults have gone for a special treat. They're paying more - not just for the food, but for the overall dining experience.

Now parents, I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter how angelic you think your kids are. They're simply not conducive to the atmosphere these places are trying to offer their customers.

Caleb Woods/UNSPLASH What inevitably happens - no matter how well-behaved parents insist their children are - is those kids get bored. And why wouldn't they?

When I go to McDonald's or Denny's or any place that has a children's menu, I don't get bent out of shape because kids are making noise. Just because I, an adult, decide I want a cheeseburger, that doesn't give me the right to eat it in silence, because the whole McDonald's brand is family-friendly and inclusive. I'm aware of this when I go in.

McDonald's makes this very clear; the family with kids is a much more valuable customer to them than I, with my single cheeseburger, will ever be. If I don't like it, I can leave and take my cheeseburger with me, and it hasn't had a negative impact on my day, because it's a choice I've made.

But when parents take their children to restaurants that are, in as many ways as they can make it clear, a fine dining experience for adults wanting a treat in quiet and comfort, they're removing that choice from those diners.

Let's look at a hypothetical example; a couple who are celebrating a special occasion like an anniversary or a birthday. This is a rare treat indeed, and an expensive one. They've made the decision to go somewhere special. They've made a reservation. They're excited about it; they may even have forked out for a babysitter for their own kids in order to enjoy some rare adult time.

All in all, the evening is going to cost them quite a bit and they may have saved or sacrificed in order to make it happen. They've settled in and are excitedly perusing a menu that might be a bit 'out there' but still looks delicious, while they're looked after by experienced wait-staff who know how to really put a polish on that special evening out.

When parents thrust themselves and their small children into this environment, they have instantly, and without even trying, altered the atmosphere of the place. It's very difficult to recapture the intimate setting with kids just a few feet away.

And what inevitably happens - no matter how well-behaved parents insist their children are - is those kids get bored. Why wouldn't they? There's nothing on the menu they like or even understand. There's nothing to do. There's nothing to look at. And even when parents bring along activities like colouring books or some kind of game device, children tend to engage in them noisily.

So what has happened to our hypothetical couple? In trying to get some much-needed time away from their own children, they're forced to endure other people's. And as much as they try and focus on their own meal and each other, small kids simply cannot be ignored, especially when their parents have abdicated even trying.

They can't enjoy the meal the way they had hoped, they can't talk in whispers because there's yelling or crying going on, and all the money they've poured into the evening has been wasted. They are apologised to by the wait-staff who may have been attempting to get the kids under control, but it's pointless; nothing will recapture the atmosphere and there's no refund.

Here's another example, except it's a real-life one. It's my sister, her husband, and their two little girls. When those girls were pre-school age, my sister took them to McDonald's and other restaurants with a kids' menu. Those visits were special treats, and as such the girls learned 'eating out manners'. It was a rare thing to go out to eat, and my sister and her husband impressed on the girls that if they didn't behave, they would leave and not go back.

Now, they weren't perfect. No kids are. But when they did misbehave, they weren't upsetting other diners who were fully aware that they were eating in a place that welcomed kids. The girls got one chance to pack a sad, and if they misbehaved a second time, out the door the family went.

When the girls started school and could be trusted to sit still, the family upped its rare eating out occasions to slightly more upmarket cafes. Restaurants were still off-limits and they didn't go out at night. The rules were stricter; just one foot out of line meant a hasty exit, because they were now in a grey area where kids were welcome, but there were no kids' menus or colouring-in table mats. And their fellow diners were usually workers in nearby businesses who'd popped out for a quick break from the office, and certainly didn't want to be surrounded by yelling children.

During this time, my sister and her husband became the real version of the hypothetical couple referred to earlier. They decided to try a new fine dining restaurant for their anniversary. They read the reviews, talked to their friends, got a babysitter, made the reservation. It was going to cost, but it would be worth it. They were excited.

123rf What these parents need to understand is that for the first few years of their kids' lives, when they take them out to eat, yes, they are restricted to family-friendly establishments.

Half way through their meal - of which they were enjoying every bite, as well as the attentions of the wait-staff and the overall atmosphere - parents with a baby and a toddler showed up. When the maitre d' told them as diplomatically as he could that there would be nothing on the menu that would appeal to a toddler, the father said loudly, "So? Are you saying we can't come in then? The kids might not like the menu, but that doesn't mean we won't!" and in they bludgeoned.

According to my sister, things instantly degenerated to a point that it was almost a cliche. "The baby started crying almost immediately," she said. "The toddler stayed in his seat for all of two minutes. The parents discussed the menu loudly, while yelling at the toddler AND at their waiter. We had actually managed, up to that point, to not mention our own kids all evening; it was such a novelty. We skipped dessert and left, both of us nearly in tears, the staff equally upset and very apologetic."

When parents of small children announce that just because they've got kids doesn't mean they can't enjoy fine dining experiences, they're failing to understand that they're foisting those children on people who have not asked for, and do not welcome, their company in this particular atmosphere.

What these parents need to understand is that for the first few years of their kids' lives, when they take them out to eat, yes, they are restricted to family-friendly establishments. But there are so many of them! It's not as if they can't find somewhere different to go each time, and they're still exposing their kids to an environment where they'll learn 'eating out manners'.

All of this can be achieved without ruining the dining experience of other people who have deliberately chosen to eat in a distinctly adult place.

For the parent reading this, I ask you - no, beg you - to take just one, key point away. Fellow diners don't hate your kids. If we're interacting with them in different situations, we will mostly likely exhibit patience and understanding when your kids are being difficult, such as on a plane or the bus.

We realise you're entitled to eat out with them, but all we ask is that you stick to the MANY places that welcome children and still do a decent coffee.

Understand that when people are in a classy restaurant setting, especially at night, the environment is adults-only. Show us that courtesy. Please.