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After taking a sad look at a video in which Barack Obama donates to his own campaign on The Daily Show last night, Jon Stewart was curious to find out what exactly the president is up against. Can Mitt Romney be pinned down on the specifics to any of his platforms? "The guy was pretty robotic and kind of non-human to begin with," says Stewart. But lately, Stewart finds, he's been very evasive about pretty much everything: immigration, tax deductions, homosexuality ... even his downtime reading.

But, as Stewart notes, "To run as a generic Republican doesn't mean you cannot express preference for things." Here's what we know for sure about Romney: he loves the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and other universally popular things like jobs. He's not so big on vampires, though.

This article is from the archive of our partner The Wire.