I n today’s world, people view relationships very immaturely. The thing is if you are not happy being single then when you are in a relationship that unhappiness is going to come out in different ways. Being in a relationship will not be the cure for your unhappiness, as the most important thing is to be happy with yourself.

The reason I'm writing this and publishing it before my book comes out is due to a personal experience I myself had within the past week. The other day was my birthday and I was having a beer with a friend. There were some people sitting next to us and they were talking about bad relationships in which they had been involved. As I semi-listened to their conversation, it made me think of some toxic relationships I had been a part of during my lifetime. Truthfully it had been difficult to end those toxic relationships at the time but as I now reflect back it was undoubtedly among some of the best decisions I have ever made. Although it was very difficult to do at the time, breaking away from toxic relationships has made a huge, positive difference in my life.

We all, at times, have made excuses for treating other people badly or for allowing other people to treat us badly. Any type of relationship can be a toxic relationship whether it involves an individual we are dating, a family member or merely a casual acquaintance. In many circumstances, we need to make decisions to cut some individuals completely out of our lives as our relationships with them may be causing us and them more harm than good. Many people in abusive relationships try to find excuses for their partners' abusive behaviors instead of doing as they should and cutting these abusive individuals out of their lives. I do admit that there are many factors which can seem to point to the separation being an almost impossible hope but it is vital to one's health and safety to be out of abusive relationships, whether the abuse be physical or emotional! As in any situation we face in life, the first step is always the most difficult to take.

Having people who are there for you and who do not hold actions which were out of your control against you is extremely important. These people are your real friends. They are the people who help you the most. They are there to help you realistically look at yourself and be comfortable with who you are. You need to be around people who "get" you and most importantly you need to be yourself in the most positive ways possible!

You need to avoid toxic relationships! These relationships can happen in many settings among which are family and so called friend relationships!

Never stay in a relationship where there is any type of abuse! This is especially true if the other person isn't willing to make an effort to change and take ownership of the things they are doing to cause the problem. Many people tend to feel badly for the abusive person when they take that final step of leaving an abusive relationship. I can empathize with those feelings as the people with whom I have ended past relationships were at one point people who were very important to me. It is natural to feel badly but you need to focus on the fact that you are making a decision which is right for your health and well-being!

Points to remember about toxic relationships:

Do not feel badly about cutting people out of your life if they have a negative influence on your well-being .

Do not make excuses for the behaviors of the individuals you have eliminated from your life.

Never believe that jealousy or being excessively possessive is a form of caring. It is not! What jealousy and excessive possessiveness really means is that someone is, in reality, wanting to control your life.

Relationships are not just with other people. You need to have a healthy relationship with yourself which, of course, is the most important relationship that you should have!

Practice self care whether or not you are in a relationship because like I previously stated your relationship with yourself is your important relationship!

Some basic self care facts you can practice:

Do things that you enjoy and don't feel guilty about doing them.

Stick up for yourself! Remember you are important! When people try to say you are not important, that is their issue, not yours.

“Take a moment to recognize any tough obstacles you have overcome or lessons you have learned. Think about how far you’ve come and how much further you can go. Try to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you. They don’t see imperfections, failings, and mistakes. They see love, never-failing love. Try to see it too.”

Some common excuses we all have heard throughout our lives and most of us have used these, including myself:

You have no control choosing who you love. In reality, love is something that takes a long time to build. I firmly believe that way too many people (not only kids but also adults), tend to mistake infatuation for love! You have control over who you love in life and not taking this control is usually just a way of you avoiding ownership of your situation and the choices you have made “We change a lot as we grow up and it’s unrealistic to expect that we remain compatible with our high school or college friends (and boyfriends/girlfriends) forever. History is great, it just shouldn’t be one of the main reasons you are still around someone.” A few years ago I had to make a decision which was to keep in contact with my family or cut them off. At first, thought cutting them off was a win for them for all the things that they caused in my life but I realized that it was a win for me because they no longer had that power over me. "Family is family. Contrary to belief, family does not always mean sharing the same DNA." That's kind of continued from the one above because a lot of times when family members treat other family members abusively and use excuses along this line this tends to become just a way for them to moralize their wrongful actions and make it seem alright to use or abuse you. If they change a certain quality about themselves we will be happy. “By being with them, you’ve already taught them they don’t have to change. You’re willing to stick around regardless of whether they improve or stay the way they are."

Too many people use the excuse that they have children as a reason for staying in a relationship. How many psychology studies have proven that it is better to be raised by a single parent than two parents who are constantly fighting with each other? How can it be more beneficial to raise children so that they see and pick up on your unhealthy habits regarding relationships or see abusive relationships? Too many studies have proven that children raised in unhealthy environments usually follow in the same footsteps when they are older because that was the environment in which they were raised. We may not be victims of our environment but at the same time our environment plays a major role in how we perceive things and act as adults. If a child sees their parents act a certain way they're going to think that is the social norm!

Why did God make me love that person? I heard a girl with whom I worked with one day say that about her abusive boyfriend First of all, whether or not God is real, isn't why you're staying in a bad relationship. Once again that mindset comes from a lack of taking ownership of your life. I'm not saying that people should be abused. I am actually saying completely the opposite! People need to see how they can enable themselves with the negative things that go on within their own lives. They tend to use any excuse to explain the relationship of which they are a part.

“The Sunk Cost Fallacy. The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences. The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.”

Intermittent reinforcement “When a toxic person actually does something nice, your heart leaps, your optimism ramps up, and you think, “We are turning a corner!” That locks you in for that much longer, just like that rat. "Now and again" does not a pattern make, and you need to keep that in mind.” Psychology Today

Many times we hear the following expression from older people: "I'm old and stuck in my ways". On the other end too often younger people use the excuse that they are "too young and immature to know better". What do these excuses have in common? They are both excuses used by individuals to moralize their thoughts, behaviour and actions in order to not take ownership of how they make someone feel badly about themselves. This attitude is way too prevalent in society when people bash mental health problems and refuse to change and see the negative effects that their actions directly and indirectly have on others!

Do not normalize or make excuses for abusive behaviour

“The bottom line is that emotional and verbal abuse are never OK.” (or any other forms of abuse)

“In a long-term study that followed more than 10,000 subjects for an average of 12.2 years, researchers discovered that subjects in negative relationships were at a greater risk for developing heart problems, including a fatal cardiac event, than counterparts whose close relationships were not negative.” Psychology Today

Ask yourself these questions :

When you're with the person, do you usually feel content and even energized? Or do you often feel unfulfilled and drained?

After you spend time with him or her, do you usually feel better or worse about yourself?

Do you feel physically and or emotionally safe with this person, or do you ever feel threatened or endangered?

Is there a fairly equal "give and take" in this relationship or do you feel like you're always giving and he or she is always taking?

Is the relationship characterized by feelings of security and contentment, or drama and anxiety? “

When asking yourself these questions keep in mind:

Healthy relationships are based on “security, safety, freedom of thinking, sharing, listening, mutual love and caring, healthy debates and disagreements, and respectfulness”

Unhealthy relationships are based on “insecurity, abuse of power and control, always demanding, selfishness, insecurity, self-centeredness, criticism, negativity, dishonesty, distrust, demeaning comments and attitudes, and jealousy”

We need to make decisions to cut some people completely out of our lives as our relationships with them may be causing us more harm than good, because regardless of how much we think they love us and we love them you can't make them be the person you want them to be. This can be an extremely decision to make and an even more difficult decision for an individual to enact. In the long run , you will be much happier. One day you will look back at that time in your life and think about all that you have gone through and realize that you are a much happier and healthier individual because of excluding individuals who did nothing for you except hold you back in life and make you feel badly about yourself !

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” –Wayne Dyer