fucking-crumbs-628.jpg

We’ve all experienced the small but acute organizational panic that comes hand in hand with eating crumb-intensive snacks. There is no culprit more pernicious than the classic Nature Valley granola bar. Car seats (and golf-cart seats), desks both professional and scholastic, pockets and purses, seats on trains and airplanes, and the laps of moms and dads everywhere are beset by those crumbs.

Using simple GIFery, I’ve illustrated two easy-to-master techniques to help you take back control of your snack life.

The first methodmore commonly practiced and irrefutably effectiveis to break up the bar within its packaging. First, carefully tear away from the fold of the plastic wrapper, just half the way down. Separate the top to create further ease of access.

1.gif

Then, gently break off the top third of the the top bar, and slowly withdraw, letting the few stray crumbs fall down into the packaging.

Double tap!

Then proceed, methodically breaking the bar in small pieces inside the packaging. This is a good method when you want to save half for later. If, by chance, you find yourself in an environment which shuns eating, like at the gym, in class or a meeting, at the ER, or waiting in a funeral parlor, and your blood sugar is plummeting, having half a Nature Valley bar might literally save the day (or at least avert the existential quicksand that is sugar-deprivation).

Super stealth mode is what happens when you perform this entire crumb-free process within the pocket of your pants or jacket, single-handedly. If there’s a water fountain nearby, pretend to drink from it while chewing.

Method two is the opposite of stealth mode. Before unwrapping, use a fist to smash the contents of the package. Don’t be overzealous, this is a controlled smash. (If you break the packaging, all may be lost.)

Now gently pulverize.

When you’ve got fine-grained granola, open the top.

Pour over a bowl of yogurt, on top of ice cream, or if you’re feeling freaky, go ahead and chug.