An Update of Recent Events Within the US Military

Mormon Super Soldiers

For years the ignorant have laughed and scorned the renowned Mormon magic underwear. Recently the LDS Church posted a video to try and dispel the mockery, saying that the underwear is similar to any other religious garb; but they did not reveal the underwear’s true power. They did not reveal what makes the underwear magical. One learns during the LDS Temple Ceremony, that garments “will be a shield, and a protection to you against the power of the destroyer until you have finished your work here on earth.” Essentially, the magic underwear is an improved version of the Mithril armor seen in Lord of the Rings. Mormon folklore confirms that the underwear offers supernatural physical protection. The United States military learned of the magical underwear and decided to take advantage of the undergarments’ protection, and has recruited a six-person team of Mormons to volunteer for a classified mission in Palestine that involved dangers of fire, gunshots, and explosions — which the indestructible underwear will prevent from injuring the Mormon Marines. Our confident Captain Americas departed on their week-long mission a month ago. Unfortunately the military has had no communication from our Mormon Super Soldier and has been forced to declare them MIA. It is assumed that upon the Mormon members realizing the power of invincibility they held, they went rogue and chose to live independent lives as super heroes.