Archaeologists discover porn mag in hedge

Archaeologists have revealed that they have discovered a pornographic magazine in a hedgerow in Colchester that pre-dates the Internet by several years.

The discovery has been hailed by experts as the most exciting find since the lingerie section of a 1979 Freemans catalogue was discovered in a motorway lay-by near Bristol in 2003.

The magazine, which is now being carbon-dated, was found partially concealed within a copy of Motorcyclist News.

Archaeologists revealed that the magazine was in good condition but that access to several of its pages is limited.

“The advent of the Internet has led to discoveries of this type becoming extremely rare,” explained prominent archaeologist Professor Desmond Collins.

“In some cultures, male rites of passage consist of wearing ceremonial gloves filled with stinging bullet ants or even ritual blood-letting.

“30 years ago in Great Britain, it consisted of finding a jazz mag in a bush.”

Archaeology find

Filth historian and renowned lesbologist Dr Friedrich Cumslinger revealed that the discovery would offer a valuable insight into the pornification of Britain’s hedgerows during the 70s and 80s.

“This is a hugely important find documenting faux-lesbianism as it was practised in 1982 within the confines of a Ford Capri,” he told us.

“Although, on the face of it, there does seem to be a genuine attraction between Natalie and Alisha from Walthamstow, their genitalia has been partly obscured by the censor – a classic trick of that particular era.”

Dr Cumslinger went on to reveal that the magazine still held a number of secrets that will only be solved using a steaming kettle and a steady hand.

“Judging by the difficulty we have had in accessing the centrefold of the magazine we can only guess that its contents caused the reader to fire off his spunk plums like someone stamping on a piping bag full of mashed potato,” he explained.

Teenagers have revealed their shock at the discovery, and also their dismay at Diane Abbott’s call for the introduction of computers that filter out adult content by default.

“It’s shocking to think that access to fanny manuals was so primitive as recently as a few decades ago,” said 15-year-old Simon Williams.

“If Diane Abbott gets her way and computers come with default porn filters then I’ll face the embarrassment of having to show my dad how to remove them.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of him being reduced to rummaging around in the fulsome undergrowth of a park hedge again.”