UK somehow manages fifth successive year with no mass shootings

A country with strict gun control laws has somehow managed to go another year with no mass shootings.

The achievement, widely agreed to be impossible by self-proclaimed firearm experts on the Internet, is being met with surprise and outright disbelief in the United States.

Experts in Gunology, which includes anyone with an Internet connection and a short temper, insist that the only way to avoid regular massacres is for everyone to be armed and decry anyone who thinks differently as ‘fukcin stupid basterds I shoud waist yer gay ass’, whatever that may mean.

Internet experts often cite studies drawn from the voices in their heads which suggest that people being unarmed increases their chances of being shot by, oooh, a million-billion percenticles or something.

Sadly, they then go on to ignore that people being armed increases their chances of being shot by their own children by a similar amount.

Responding to the news, President Obama took a somber tone.

“My fellow Americans”, he said. “It has long been known that if you take guns off good guys, only bad guys have guns.

“Well, it seems the UK has waaaay fewer bad guys than we do.

“I guess they’re just better people than us.”

American scientists are stunned by the lack of massacres, and have announced a US$17-billion, ten-year study into how nobody went on a shooting rampage in a place where nobody has any guns.

However, the NRA has pledged to lobby against the study being funded, insisting it is entirely unnecessary and a complete waste of time and money.

“There are regular massacres in the UK”, spokesman Simon-Bob Williams told us. “You just don’t get to hear of them because of the New World Order Zionist ZOG Media hiding the truth.

“Wake up, sheeple!”, he added.