

He doesn’t want ‘traditional monogamy’



Q: Back in October I met a man at a social function. We exchanged numbers and have been dating ever since. He told me in the beginning that he came from a "poly background," and at first I didn't see anything wrong with that because we had just started dating and I wasn't sure this was serious or not.



Since then, we have become more and more serious. Recently, while at his house, I noticed a few things that seemed out of place and even brought it to his attention. He didn't address it at the time but decided to tell me the next day while I was at work that he is not "monogamous" and would like to know my feelings on that. It took me a few days to regain my composure and explain my feelings about the situation. While I informed him that I would like to be monogamous, he simply stated that he is not compatible with traditional monogamy. It was either I accept him as polyamorous or nothing at all. Thinking that the age difference (he's 11 years younger) was at play here and that all he wanted was to "have his cake and eat it too," I pressed on, calling his bluff and saying that I would be willing to accept this polyamorous situation.



We talked quite a bit about the situation and I thought we were moving forward and making plans for Valentine's Day, when he texted me out of the blue saying he was having anxiety about my not being "mature" enough to accept his need to be poly. This entire situation has given me great anxiety and is causing me to lose sleep. I have made great concessions for this relationship and do not feel like he is making any on his end. At what point do I stop making concessions and give up the relationship?



– AnxietyStricken



A: "At what point do I stop making concessions and give up the relationship?"



Now. You give up the relationship now.



Why do you end the relationship now? Because you don't want to date a guy who's polyamorous.



You want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, which means you're with the wrong person. This man has been quite clear about his boundaries (or lack thereof), but instead of trusting him and paying attention, you're trying to "call his bluff." Why would he bluff?



It's time to believe everything he says and then make decisions accordingly. There's no reason to lose sleep when he's given you all the information you need.



– Meredith



Readers? Is this about having cake and eating it? Should she stick around?





"Love Letters" is an advice column in theby Meredith Goldstein. She posts questions and her answers online in advance, invites readers to comment, and includes some of their comments in the print edition a few days later.This one, just up this morning, cries out for informative replies from the poly community. Here's an opportunity for public education.In its entirety:Here's the original (March 11, 2016), with theComments you post here on my site will not be seen by the newspaper.

Labels: advice columns, Boston, poly-mono