Three weeks ago, I was bragging to friends that, unlike their daughter, our daughter had not succumbed to the terrible disease known as “Dora the Explorer.” But then last week happened. And since then, our daughter has demanded a constant flow of Dora from every conceivable medium. No matter how bad last night’s game was, it can’t compare to the awfulness that is Dora the Explorer; A cartoon series so insane, only meth-heads who accidentally smoked a metric ton of pot could be writing the plots. So, obviously, it made sense to re-tell the narrative of the ND/UM game from that perspective…

Â¡Hola! I’m Denard! And this is my Big House!

Do you like Big Houses? Great! This one is full of pom poms! Do you like pom poms? Great!

Tonight we’re playing a game in my Big House! Do you like games? Great!

Oh No! We’re losing the game! Those sneaky Irish showed up to our house with a gameplan! What will we do?

Si! Let’s get an interception! When you want the ball, you have to say, “Interception!” Say “Interception!”

Great! We’ve got the ball! Let’s go score!

That worked great! Let’s do it again! Say, “Interception!” It worked! Fantastico!

There’s only a minute and 40 seconds left in the half! We’d better just take a knee and figure out what to do next! We’re losing 17-7!

Who do we ask when we don’t know what to do? Right! Coach! To get coach to tell us what to do, you’ve got to say “Coach!” Say, “Coach!” Coach!

Â¡Muy bien! Coach has come to tell us what to do!

Wow! Coach says we can just make it up as we go along! Do you like to pretend? Great!

Oh no! Our pretending isn’t working! We’ve got to do something! But wait, the night’s stars have an idea. This star says if we say “fumble,” then the Irish will fumble! Say “fumble!” Great!

We’ve got the ball and we’re really close to scoring! This is great!

Oh no! The Irish played perfect defense and stuffed our runner! What’ll we do? Wait! I know, say, “Fumble” again! Fumble! Yay! My teammate fumbled it and I picked it up and ran! Touchdown!

This fumbling is fun for us! But the sneaky Irish are about to score again! Let’s see if fumbling works for us one more time! Say, “Fumble!” Wow! It’s working!

There are only 2 minutes left! And we’re still losing! What can we do! Yeah! We can call for our invisible pixie friends to help us down the field! The pink invisible pixie will fly into that #4’s ear and make him crazy! Yeah!

It’s working! I just threw a ball way up high, and one of my teammates caught it! Thanks invisible magic pixies!

Oh no! The magic pixies got too excited and helped the Irish score another touchdown! Silly pixies! But it’s okay, we can just score again with 30 seconds to go! We’ve got to go 80 yards! This will be fun!

Where’s that Irish player with the #4 shirt? Yeah! There he is! Let’s throw it at him!

It’s working!

We’re running out of time! Quick! We’ve got to find that #4 again! There it is! Let’s throw it!

Wow! It worked again! This is amazing! We’ve won the game! Fantastico! The pom poms are so shiny! Thanks for your help magic invisible pixies! And thanks for your help too, my new best friends!

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