Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s billionaire(ish) status as a real estate mogul has been precisely maintained by the über-sensitive, 70+ year-old vulgarian’s egotistical self-obsession, though his gold-plated Manhattan penthouse schtick starkly contrasts with his Vice President Mike Pence.

Pence, an Indiana golden boy of American evangelicalism, guides his life with a borderline fundamentalist view of the Old Testament, including a triangular relationship with his wife and Jesus Christ, whose literal flesh he believes is mythically both material and immaterial, and that when it becomes material again almost everyone will burn in Hell. Not exactly the best philosophical perspective for solving geopolitical issues.

Their personalities clash with each other’s ideologies, and, in particular, the monogamist devotion Pence commits to his wife has reportedly perturbed Mr. Trump, who has consistently throughout his life bragged about objectifying women, including coworkers, wives, and even his daughters.

“Mr. Trump just can’t get a break from conservative leaders’ rural identities in the Republican Party,” said a White House aide who requested anonymity to discuss internal GOP politics without fear of retribution for his comments. “Paul Ryan is a little nerdy kid from rural-county Wisconsin who likes math and subtracting corporate tax money from the federal budget and therefore our society; Mitch McConnell is a Kentucky hillbilly half-turtle man; supreme Southerners Roy Moore and Jeff Sessions from Alabama are little plantation gnomes who have all but publicly campaigned for a return to slavery—Trump wishes Democrats were as easy to dupe as Republicans because he’s sick of social conservatives and having to pander to militantly Christian people. In all honesty, I think he would love nothing more than to switch political parties. And Pence is with him every day like a gnat. Having Mike Pence at every White House meeting is just a constant annoyance to the President, and he’s always bringing up who God hates and why. Trump’s not the kind of guy who has ever given a crap about the Bible. Like, for real, I would just love to listen to some Christian ask Trump to explain what he thought about the Book of James and about justification through works. And, explain without using the words ‘bad,’ ‘terrible,’ ‘beautiful,’ or ‘great.’ I bet you $10,000 his explanation would somehow turn into a comparison of his presidential campaign and Jesus in 45-seconds.”

The White House aide suggested that Mr. Trump regretted selecting Mike Pence as a vice president.

“Trump has been telling everyone all along that he thought being President would be so cool, and he’d get to grope women, just, like, all the time, but Mike Pence’s Jesusy chastity promise to God that he wouldn’t cheat on his wife has been a real buzzkill for Trump. Pence insisted on bringing his wife to D.C. when he first accepted the job, which Trump sort of assumed Pence would want to be solo in D.C. for the ladies like him—since Melania was staying in New York for several month till the end of the school year—and Trump thought it would be fun to teach Mike Pence how to pluck the sweet fruits of patriarchal power like Trump has done for decades. Pence turned him down, though. Trump, ever the New Yorker, thought it was really ‘low class’ that Pence was letting a hoe come before a bro by bringing his wife to the capital. He hoped the two could have epic bachelor weekend parties at the White House, but every night Pence goes to bed to his wife at 10pm and complains if Trump has anyone over or plays music. I think Pence’s wife loathes Trump.”

Conflict in the White House families.

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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