Super Powers I Wish I Had

Power to mimic characteristics of the kind of people she wants to be with

Ability to turn my faults invisible

Ability to grow ten times my normal maturity

Sonic shield that prevents her from hearing me in the bathroom

Self-duplication to create a version of me who genuinely cares about her complaining about work for an hour

Ability to control erections when hugging in consolation

Ability to give up control of radio

Power to not feel awkward about using Groupons

Ability to convincingly lie about how much I enjoyed the songs she put on my mix-tape

Reading-light manipulation

Ability to prevent other men from hitting on my girlfriend

Super-sensing when I’m supposed to be dominant

Water breathing

Rapid tongue-muscle regeneration

Ability to communicate with pets that I’m about to have sex and to not jump on the bed or stare or lick themselves nearby

Echolocation of where condoms are in dark

Memory manipulation (hers and mine) about that one time I couldn’t get it up

Not-getting-dehydrated-ness

Psionic waves released upon ejaculation that make her tired too

Ability to somehow look cool in a sleeping mask and earplugs

Ability to control the weather, since I seemingly already have this power, as it’s somehow my fault that it rained when we were supposed to go on that picnic with your new guy friend since it was so-so-obvious I didn’t want to go and, congratulations, I got what I wanted

Power to instantly add “The End” playlist back on my iPhone

Rapid emotional healing

Ability to see into alternate future and relax knowing that, with this argument out of the way, we can finally move forward as we’ll never have another argument like that again

Ability to read minds, since I seemingly already have this power

Superhuman capacity to withstand her going out with her ex-boyfriend when she visits home

Power to say “I’m fine with it” and actually be fine with it

Ability to break through emotional barriers

Sonic scream + ability to explain that wasn’t sonic screaming, you’ll know when I’m sonic screaming

Superhuman hearing

Superhuman listening

Paranormal power of understanding all references, innuendo, and in-jokes she makes with her friends

Paranormal power of bestowing on her understanding of source material of all my out-of- context Simpsons, Naked Gun, Billy Madison, and Groundhog Day quotes

Power to transform groceries I got into those she actually asked me to get

Foreknowledge of when she’ll be home after I told her to stay out all night, don’t worry about me, just text whenever you’re home safe

Ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound + not leap to conclusions

Time compression so every second of her not responding to my text doesn’t feel like an eternity

Ability to fast-forward space-time to a point where I can be legitimately angry she didn’t text me back and can start sending passive-aggressive texts

Remote viewing

Ability to rapidly turn off remote viewing

Paranormal power to influence accidents to happen so I’m hurt, but not too bad, so she feels shitty that she wasn’t around

Ability to travel backwards in time and not send that text I just sent

Ability to find perfect metaphor for how she made me feel

Ability to sound convincing when I tell her I want to understand her perspective

Ability to search for specific text messages

Time manipulation

Time-stamp-on-text manipulation

Power to induce superhuman empathy, no, not even superhuman, just human empathy, as you apparently barely even have sub-human empathy

Ability to control firmness of futon

Super-sensing when I’m not supposed to initiate make-up sex

Ability to control firmness of futon

Power to just let it go

Superhuman ability to explain I don’t have some kind of superhuman ability to pretend I’m someone I’m not, you just put your best self forward when you’re starting to date, don’t act like you didn’t do the same, I wasn’t some kind of sociopath and you’re just as much a sociopath

Ability to travel backwards in arguments

Antonym-ization: the power to make it so she “can do this some more, she just can”

Flight

Power to teleport myself out of a bad relationship instead of staying in it another five years, just to be sure