A frown is etched into Martin Heyman’s face as he sits down to talk with Bottom Feeder News. The Vermont construction worker and father of three has been anticipating the release of Half-Life 3 since the mid-2000’s, but series developers Valve have been famously silent on the game’s current state or indeed if it will ever see release. For Heyman, the game’s absence at this year’s E3 was the last straw.

“I figured it was now or never,” he says with deep regret in his eyes. “So when I found a genie’s lamp buried underneath the rubble of a demolished building, I had to take that chance. I had to liberate Half-Life 3.” He stifles a sigh, his eyes watering. “Oh, the genie gave me Half-Life 3 alright: in my hands I held a lovingly illustrated disc case promising hours of fun and an experience like no other, covered in fawning reviews that haven’t been written yet, high scores that had yet to be given.”

I ask him what happened when he opened it. After five hours of silence, Mister Heyman found it within himself to answer.

“Nothing,” he said, reaching into his pocket. “Nothing – except this.”

He holds out a piece of paper bearing the phrase “I O U ONE SEQUEL – GABE NEWELL.” Valve have yet to comment.