The actor, activist and friend of revolutionaries bid $150,000 at a charity event last week to remarry his old flame – proof that 80s revivalism has gone too far

Why Sean Penn has a soft spot for Castro, Chávez ... and Madonna

Name: Sean Penn.

Age: 56.

Appearance: Pointy.

Occupation: Actorivist.

So, like a cross between an actor and an activist? That’s right. And, in Penn’s case, very cross indeed.

From which films might I remember him? Carlito’s Way (gangster’s lawyer), Dead Man Walking (prisoner on death row), 21 Grams (heart-transplant patient), Milk (assassinated politician).

Dramatic stuff. That’s Hollywood, I suppose.

Isn’t he also the guy who interviewed that big Mexican drug dealer for Rolling Stone magazine in real life? He is. Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán, to be precise. Supposedly, the contact with Penn, and another actorivist, Kate del Castillo, helped the Mexican intelligence services to recapture Guzmán shortly afterwards.

Eek. I would be a bit scared if I had helped send the world’s most powerful drug lord to prison. I daresay. But Penn gets on well with scary people. He visited Iraq before the war and was friendly with Fidel Castro and Hugo Chávez.

And of course he used to be married to Madonna. Indeed. Although that might not be true for much longer.

Eh? Because they might be getting married again.

I see. This 1980s revival is getting completely out of hand. It sure is.

What makes you think they might be getting back together, anyway? Madonna said so, kind of, at her Raising Malawi benefit in Miami on Friday night.

I’m worried about that “kind of”. What exactly did she say? Well, she was auctioning one of her necklaces and promised to remarry Penn, who was in the audience, if he would bid $150,000 (£118,000) for it. And he did. Not only that, he went on stage, crawled through her legs and handcuffed her.

OK ... She didn’t mind. “I’m still in love with you,” she said afterwards.

That’s nice. Is she still in love with Guy Ritchie, too? I don’t believe so.

How sweet. I suppose your first divorce is always special. Yes.

Plus, when they get remarried, she will get the necklace back. Oh, Penn didn’t get the necklace. He was outbid afterwards by other people.

Stupid rich people. Does Madonna now have to marry them? I’m sure her lawyers will be looking into that.

Do say: “How about handcuffing Nicolás Maduro next time?”

Don’t say: “How about a remake of Shanghai Surprise?”