Summer’s almost over on The Key and that means everyone’s getting in those last few days of swimming and drama. On this week’s episode, Alex and Juliette deal with the fallout from their breakup, Chloe reveals Cara’s trip to Alex’s house, and The Key’s preeminent gold digger (allegedly) faces off against the show’s “most successful landlord.”

Are Cara and Garrett truly dunzo? Is Pauly Paul ever going to get his act together? We called up reality superstar Spencer Pratt (and Heidi), who took a break from making videos for fans to give us his thoughts on the season’s last gasps of drama.

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On Juliette and Alex’s breakup:

She was really out here crying about tossing his clothes, like he wears anything more than once. I haven’t seen that guy rock one memorable look the entire time we’ve been on The Key, so burning his clothes is actually doing him a favor. Where do you even buy clothes in Siesta Key? Is it completely through Amazon?

On Alex saying that Juliette had better come back to him or he’s “going to get mad”:

Alex has been so pumped up by his jester Pauly Paul that he doesn’t have a gauge of how people are supposed to interact with him. He’s really so deep in being The King of The Key that he feels like acknowledging a mistake is the furthest he has to go.

Let’s see what it’s like now that Pauly’s going to jail. I actually can’t believe Alex didn’t care more about the president of his fan club having a car to drive around in. Maybe Pauly’s realizing for the first time that Alex isn’t the king of anything.

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On Alex claiming that he’s tanking law school because he’s fighting with Juliette:

Thank u, next.

On Chloe and Juliette discussing the breakup:

I love how Chloe has to name-check the place that Alex and Juliette last broke up. I couldn’t tell if it’s because she gets free onion rings there or if she’s just reminding Juliette since these two have broken up at every bar, restaurant, and souvenir stand in Sarasota.

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On Cara explaining that she went to Alex’s house because they’re “friends”:

You were never friends. You were hookups. I don’t know any hookups I’ve had who would talk me through a breakup with the ex who hated them. There’s only room for one person distorting reality on this show, and Kelsey’s had that all sewn up since season 1A.

I don’t think Cara understand how news travels on The Key. She thought she had until the episode airs. She didn’t know how fast Chloe informs everyone in her newsletter. It goes out every day.

On Juliette texting Garrett to tell him about Cara and Alex:

That was gangster! I mean, why wouldn’t you? I was surprised she didn’t write, “So, are we gonna hook up or what?” ’Cause that felt like the next text.

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On Cara’s thought process:

I think Cara just realized she’s gotten played this entire season. I wonder if she would have have gone to Alex’s house on her own if the producers hadn’t been up in her ear about what she needed to do to stay relevant to the story.

One second she’s offering advice to her ex about what to do with his girlfriend, and the next she’s being dumped by the guy she keeps calling boring. None of her experience as a landlord prepared her for this!

What would have been great is if when Cara showed up at Alex’s, Kelsey was already in the pool so she could just say, “I’m here for the drama. I’m going to deny it later. I don’t do anything I don’t deny.” We need that energy back on the show.

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For those of you wondering where I was in this episode... #SiestaKey pic.twitter.com/IY8YTXJrfU — Kelsey (@thekelseyowens) March 20, 2019

On Cara’s confrontation with Juliette:

Cara should have just owned it, like, “You treat me like shit, I don’t care, and yeah, I went over to Alex’s just to fuck with you.” That’s why she did it.

Oh, they just talked? If I were Juliette, I’d be thinking, “Yeah, yeah, Alex is a big talker. What’d you discuss? World Events?” At the same time, Juliette can’t just demand respect from someone she keeps calling names.

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On Juliette referring to herself as Garrett’s ex:

I think Garrett probably appreciated that. That was probably the first time she ever acknowledged dating him out loud.

On Cara’s fear of Juliette:

Did you see how quickly Cara changed her mind on fighting as soon as Juliette asked, “Hey, how do you think it feels to have your ex’s ex over swimming in his pool? You want me to call up Garrett and BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP?” You could tell she was shook that the narrator of the show, who’d already dated her boyfriend, could come back after him, body her, and then get back into the studio and drop a couple lines about it.

Cara was terrified that Juliette might throw her off the overpass.

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Speaking facts. “You don’t have to like me but you have to have a little more respect for me.” @juliettep0rter #SiestaKey — Chloe Trautman (@chloe_trautman) March 20, 2019

On Cara’s feelings for Garrett:

She just thought, “Oh my god, I played my cards wrong.” She was thinking, “I got the boring guy that I made fun of and now he has the upper hand and is dumping me.”

Heidi: No, I think she really did fall in love. Maybe she didn’t watch the other season, but now she knows that this isn’t just a show for him. That Alex is this red button that no one’s ever allowed to press. She thought she was doing this for TV and I bet she’s been saying “Oh shoot” a lot lately.

Spencer: Because she didn’t just fuck up her story line and get played by The King of The Key.

Heidi: She might have lost a really good guy too.

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On the way Garrett ended things:

I loved when Garrett said, “I had high hopes in you.”

It’s like he was saying, “I thought you were going to get to the intermediate level on Garrett’s Personality Workout Program.” No buddy, this isn’t one of your Skype personal training clients. You’re not in a program, you’re in a relationship. And if you’re having high hopes, it should be for the both of you. Pop your collar down and try again.



He lost all momentum there. Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t these two not even at official boyfriend/girlfriend level yet? Cara’s free to go to Alex’s house whenever she wants because you didn’t sit down and agree on mutually satisfying boundaries for your relationship. Like I’ve been saying, the communication on The Key is falling apart week by week.

I think Garrett’s real problem is with Alex. If some dude’s basically taken three girls off you, then maybe you need to have a talk with him too. I’m expecting a Garrett/Alex showdown ASAP. It’s very weird that Garrett only talks to the women involved and not the guy who’s clearly chasing the people he dates.

On Jared:

I want to know what branch of the Navy pays out in Range Rovers. I would think of enlisting. Jared pulled up in that Range and threw away some perfectly good roses he could’ve given to somebody else when he saw Madisson and Brandon. Dude’s got money.

Why doesn’t he drop the flowers off to Tawni? What about Canvas? She looks very available. He’s just as good at talking to her as he is to Madisson, who, no offense, isn’t going to be doing romance with anyone on The Key now that she’s the breakout star in Brandon’s music video.

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On whether Madisson and Brandon are getting back together:

They’re all in “la la land” and it’s very sweet, but Madisson dumped Ben, who is so rich he could rent an entire house on The Key. She’s not going to settle down with some dude who can’t even get preapproved for Chloe to show him a fake property.

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On Pauly Paul:

If you watch his IG, it’s very worrisome. If he was really cut off and it wasn’t just for the show, I feel like we need another intervention. I’ve never seen Pauly walk anywhere before—except that time he took a jog with a cigarette—and now homie is walking up and down Siesta’s highway like he’s ready to sell anything he has on him.

On Pauly Paul’s job prospects:

I really get the feeling that Alex’s mom’s furniture business is just a front for some large-scale smuggling operation. It’s all very Beverly Hills Cop, with the art store that’s smuggling cocaine in their art. Maybe she doesn’t want him to work there because she knows he’s got a nose…for mystery. Doesn’t want him to unravel all of her hard work.

I just didn’t see a lot of other people in her party-planning warehouse. She does it all herself? She’s got to be the kingpin of parties, then. Seems very “Ozark” to me.

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On Alex’s mom’s response to Pauly’s weed jokes:

Oh my god, when he told Alex’s mom, “I’m going to need a smoke break. And it ain’t cigarettes.” Like really? Maybe in Florida, where pot is still illegal, you’re getting some cred for getting a little high. But in California? No one cares. You don’t get any cred for smoking MJ. No one is standing around being like, “Oh damn, Pauly Paul, is that medical grade?”

It’s 2019. If it ain’t coke, player, no one gives a fuck. I would care about Pauly’s drug lifestyle if he was like, “Well Alex’s mom, I’m going to go take some bath salts and run down the middle divider of The Key.” But pot? You think Alex’s parents aren’t getting high every night? Alex’s mom didn’t pull out that “So staged, not so stoned” line out of nowhere.

Pauly Paul either needs to go big on his drug game or he needs to go clean. And like I say every week, I hope he’s reading this and decides to go clean.

MTV

On Pauly Paul’s future:

If he were smart, he would’ve gone with the redemption story line, even if his grandma never cut him off in real life. He should have started working out with Garrett, quit smoking, given us a training montage with water being poured all over his head. I wanted to see him run a mile, carry heavy shit at Alex’s mom’s place, call Chloe to give him a ride to and from the bus stop every morning.

I really wanted him to be eating lunch in a field contemplating life and realizing he’s got shit pretty good even if they took his Bentley, because now he appreciates the power of hard work. That’s the TLC spin-off that’s going to get him a nice house and a book deal.

On Pauly’s rap career:

When he starts going off about the rap shit, I’m like, “Dude, do you know how hard it is to be a rapper? Have you seen Brandon? He has to perform at every mall in Sarasota and the dude barely gets paid.” Juliette’s narration is like, “Brandon’s making a lot of money from rapping!” I saw him getting like a five, a ten, and a coupon good for a couple of free Frosties.

Pauly needs to clean up his act and start doing sponsored content. I’m sure there’s a piano app out there he could promote. Or give piano lessons to kids. When I stayed at The Ritz Carlton on The Key, they had piano night every Tuesday. Why didn’t I see Pauly there busting the ivories? I’m gonna call up that hotel and see if they have an opening for a pianist. Classically trained. Get him the hookup.

On what Spencer wants to see from the upcoming finale:

Kelsey and Garrett back together hooking up out of left field, Garrett and Alex having a showdown where someone ends up falling off the boat, Jared and Canvas getting married in Vegas, Chloe bringing down the entire Trump administration, and Pauly Paul scoring it all with his classically trained hands that are too good to throw around couches.

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"Go cheat on your boyfriend somewhere else." 😳 All is fair in love and war when #SiestaKey returns this Tuesday at 9/8c on @MTV. pic.twitter.com/o1138ep91R — Siesta Key (@SiestaKey) January 18, 2019

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