1. Geraldo Rivera: Minorities fail because of 'thug ethic' and clothing choices.

Fox & Friends played a clip of Condoleezza Rice talking about how America is the best place in the world to be a black woman Republican from the south, like she is, this week. She did not like the fact that Democrats “played the race card” in some states in a desperate attempt to mobilize the vote in the midterm elections.

As we all know, Republicans never engage in fear-mongering tactics to win elections. They would never stoop so low as to scare Americans into thinking that Ebola is going to kill us all, or that ISIS is streaming over the Mexican border in the form of Latino immigrant children, or that the black man in the White House is the one who brought all these horrors raining down upon our heads. Republicans obviously never use race to scare people.

If only Condi would run for office, Geraldo Rivera and other panelists kvelled. We love her, they said. She’s the kind of black woman who makes white people feel good, and much less guilty. “She’s so balanced, and such a great role model,” Rivera said. Unlike all those other black people, who really make him mad. “There’s too much, in the minority culture that embraces the ‘thug ethic,'” Rivera continued. “No belt, so your pants are down around your butt. Or, remember how much trouble I got in about the hoodies? The point is, if you want to embrace that failure, you will be a failure, and your children will be failures.”

Wait, a little confused. Hoodies are embracing failure? Thought people wore them to embrace warmth, but maybe that’s just us. You know who doesn’t wear hoodies? Condi, that’s who.

(Note to Geraldo, and everyone else: Check out this Washington Post op-ed written by a super successful African-American father who thought his children's privileged upbringing would protect them from racism.)

2. Ben Stein: Obama is the most racist president ever.

To review the Republican position on racism: What racism? The only racists still around are black people. Also, anyone who brings up race at all, especially if they are black, is racist.

And you know who is the biggest racist of all? Obama, that’s who. That is the position Fox News intellectual giant Ben Stein took this week when he said Obama is the most racist president ever. Quite a disctinction, when you consider he beat out the 12 U.S. presidents who owned slaves. Also, he beat Woodrow Wilson, who upheld segregation and denied African Americans good jobs.

"What the White House is trying to do is racialize all politics and they're especially trying to tell the African-American voter that the GOP is against letting them have a chance at a good life in this economy, and that’s just a complete lie," Stein said. "I watch with fascination — with incredible fascination — all the stories about how the Democratic politicians, especially Hillary, are trying to whip up the African-American vote and say, ‘Oh the Republicans have policies against black people in terms of the economy.’ But there are no such policies."

"It’s all a way to racialize voting in this country," Stein continued. "This president is the most racist president there has ever been in America. He is purposely trying to use race to divide Americans.”

So, it’s not like Obama didn’t win any contests this week. That ought to cheer him up.

3. Harlem pastor: Starbucks coffee contains the semen of sodomites.

Harlem pastor James David Manning has cracked the secret recipe of Starbucks coffee. “The deal is that Starbucks has been legally accused of using male semen in their lattes,” he said, citing a satirical article in what he described as a "reputable online magazine" called the Inquisitor. The New York Times, of course, killed the Starbucks semen story, because of the paper's sodomite propensities. Those sodomites have to stick together. Also, Ebola is spread by sodomites. And Craig Spencer, the New York doctor who was infected by Ebola while volunteering with Doctors Without Borders in Western Africa? You guessed it. Sodomite.

“My question is where [is Starbucks] getting all this semen from," Manning wondered aloud in a hilarious rant that you can watch here. "Possibly from doctors' offices,” Manning conjectured. “My suspicion is that the semen is coming from sodomites. Somebody has discovered that semen like cord blood has millions of little zygotes in it and flavors up the coffee, and makes you thinks you’re having a good time.”

I’m not making this up, he said.

Nope. It’s the little voices in his head that are making it up.

4. Joni Ernst: 'We’re headed to Washington and we’re going to make them squeal.'

Iowa senator-elect Joni Ernst is going to be such fun in Washington. You could say that late-night comics are already squealing with delight at the prospect of this gun-toting, pig-castrating, good ole gal’s arrival on the national stage. Another person who is pleased as punch about Ernst’s arrival is Pat Buchanan. The conservative pundit thinks Ernst is one fine-looking filly. And good looks are a really good reason to elect a crazy woman, who boasts about carrying a gun to protect herself from the federal government. Ernst enjoys bragging about how good she is at neutering hogs as much as Sarah Palin loved talking about the best way to hunt moose. Ernst also seems to be a big fan of the movie Deliverance, especially that scene where Ned Beatty is anally raped, and is forced to squeal. "We are heading to Washington," Ernst said in the clip from her victory speech, "and we are going to make 'em squeal!"

Then she cackled maniacally in a way that reminded CNN’s Brooke Baldwin and others of the cartoon character Cruella de Vil. Brooke Baldwin, it should be noted, is not a late-night comedian.

Joni Ernst sure does make the whole comedy thing easy. The jokes just write themselves.

5. Fox 'Dr.' Keith Ablow: I’m not a narcissist, I’m just right about everything.

Fox “doc” Keith Ablow does not like to be criticized. This week, the thin-skinned pseudo-psychiatrist really resented the fact that some of the leaders in the psychiatric world expressed the fact that he is an embarrassment and a disgrace to the field. In particular, Jeffrey Lieberman, the chairman of psychiatry at Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons, was quoted in an AP story saying, "Basically [Ablow] is a narcissistic self-promoter of limited and dubious expertise." He also called Fox News “shameful” for giving this quack a platform.

Oof. Ablow did not care for that. He’s right, he argued, and not a narcissist. "As a psychiatrist, news commentator, and medical professional, my analysis is accurate. I stand by what I have said," he said in a press release. "Psychiatrists are uniquely situated to comment on political figures, and the interface of politics and psychology is improved by psychological analysis."

Ablow, who is quite possibly the biggest race hustler on Fox, and that is really saying something, has said that Obama obviously loves Africa more than he loves America, and that is his scientific opinion. He cannot believe that anyone would attack his professional credibility or call him a narcissist, when clearly they should just be bowing to him.

6. Chuck Woolery: President Obama is so angry at voters he’s going to try to get Republicans to impeach him.

Unlike “Dr.” Keith Ablow, gameshow host Chuck Woolery does not claim medical credentials. But this does not prevent him from espousing absurd theories about President Obama’s psychology. Like this one: President Barack Obama is so angry with American voters for giving Republicans control of Congress he’ll basically dare them to impeach him.

“Now Obama has a new enemy. The American people,” Woolery tweeted on Wednesday. “They had the audacity to vote against him. Now he will show them what for. Just wait.”

The wild-eyed, vengeful, lameduck president has a deep-seated craving to be impeached, Woolery thinks. Everyone can see that. Why else would he want to give amnesty to undocumented immigrants? If you are not following Woolery’s logic, that may be because there is none. “Now is the time for the Republicans to be very focused and not fall for the impeachment attempt,” Woolery cautioned.

OK, then.

7. Mitt Romney shows new flair for comedy, saying America elected Republicans because they want to get things done.

Mitt Romney has apparently been under a rock ever since his defeat in the 2012 election. This was apparent in his comments this week in which he seemed to blame Democrats for Washington gridlock.

C'mon, Mitt. That's too funny. Be serious.

The reason so many Republicans got elected, Romney said, is that Americans want to see things get done. “They’re going to expect something to happen,” he said. “They’re going to expect that the House will pass bills, which by the way, they already have. Some 370 bills. Some of them will come to the Senate and actually be acted upon, and they’ll reach the president’s desk.”

And when the president refuses to sign some, say a proposal to eviscerate the EPA like Mitch McConnell is promising, then we’ll see who the real "Party of No" is, Romney said.

Romney does not really like that Party of No expression when it is applied to obstructionist Republicans. “All this rhetoric about the war on women, and the war on one thing or the other,” he opined. “I think people are saying, ‘You know, that just doesn’t carry water anymore.’”

Anyway, Romney thought he dispensed with that whole war on women thing when he told voters he has "binders of women."

Now that was funny.