MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Revealing his choice after months of grave concerns about his health, the Dalai Lama triumphantly named his successor Monday after a woman who had written “The purpose of our lives is to be happy” in her Twitter bio came to his attention. “This Amanda Belfry of Gainesville, FL is the manifestation of everything the Buddha sought to teach, and she will become the 15th Dalai Lama,” said His Holiness, who added that he instantly decided he would reincarnate as the 31-year-old American upon scrolling through her social media profile and learning that she considers herself an “explorer in this wild journey we call life.” “Great enlightenment can be found on her Instagram page, where one finds a picture of a beach captioned ‘Pure bliss,’ along with a beautiful explanation for why she recently chose to have a lotus flower tattooed on her ankle. Amanda clearly embodies the wisdom I have been trying to impart to the world since my soul first took human form more than 600 years ago. I hereby ask that all 20 million Tibetan Buddhists across the world turn to her for spiritual guidance.” At press time, the Chinese government announced that a 27-year-old rock-climbing instructor and blogger from the Denver area was the only legitimate successor to the Dalai Lama.

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