I've been playing Dungeons & Dragons for years.

I cannot fully express my love of the game, but it has become a vital part of my life.

If you haven't played, Dungeons & Dragons is a group based Role-Playing Fantasy game designed to bring out each players unique creativity, building incredible stories and adventures along the way. Be you a Storyteller / Writer, Artist, Voice Actor, Comedian, or someone looking to discover your creative side - Dungeons & Dragons is a playground for the imagination.

Dice rolls are used to determine outcomes of situations, along with other rules found in a series of books.

Multiple people play as a party, while another individual takes on the role of...The Dungeon Master!

The players control one character each, where as the The Dungeon Master is in control of everything else, most importantly, crafting the world around you.

These are my Tales From The Table.

The Time Scanner Lost His Left Nipple, And Other Fun Stories.

Coming Soon.

We are really bad at this

A fun little story, that I often look back on, was the time our group found a remote Dwarven Kingdom!

I was playing my Dwarf Fighter at the time, Berrik Towerfall.

This tale takes place shortly after we abandoned an Ooze infested pirate ship, and got lost in a nearby swamp.

We had traveled for ages, we were hungry, tired, and in desperate need of supplies. After taking refuge in a cave, we were located by a native group of Dwarves, and taken to their kingdom.

The Dwarves recognized us as an adventuring party, and saw a great deal of value in us, as they currently had a rather large problem on their hands. We met with the Dwarf King & were tasked with investigating a mysterious mine shaft located near the throne room (Dwarves, they will dig Anywhere) As all who entered the mine shaft, had not returned! For this task, we were to be fed, healed, and properly equipped for our journey.

The offer was generous and we ...killed all of them.

Listen, I could really stretch this story out, it would just upset you, due to the "It was all just a dream" caliber twist.

Basically we went into the mine shaft and slayed a bunch of foul creatures, only to realize that some sort of spores were making us hallucinate. Turns out, in reality, we immediately left the mine shaft. All the monsters we were slaying, were actually the Dwarves that hired us to help them.

...And Boy, were we ever efficient in turning that throne room to a bloody mess.

When we came to our senses, I`m pretty sure I had just decapitated the King, or something.

And that was the day we realized we were not very good at helping people.

...I had to take a leak

Dungeons & Dragons is always fun, but this week was special.

Our Dungeon Master, Pete, Had purchased custom mini figurines for each of our characters, and they had finally arrived in the mail! Pete had the idea of making us earn our figurines one by one, to add even more excitement. We were not given specific tasks, Just told we would earn our figure once we had performed something exceptional ... as per the Dungeon Master of course.

Our session started with our characters having just made camp in the woods as night slowly crept over us. As usual, we decided our order of who would take night watch, First up was our groups signature Beefy elf, Quorthon, An Eldritch Knight played by my friend Josh. Quorthon tended to the fire for some time, and when everyone was sound a sleep...he heard a rustling in the bushes, followed by a voice. The voice told Quorthon not to panic, & that no harm was to come to him. Quorthon questioned the voice, as it seemed without form, and he agreed to speak should the owner of the voice reveal itself. After a short delay, A man appeared before Quorthon as if out of thin air, As he had been using a type of cloaking magic. The mans attire was familiar to Quorthon, Pale robes belonging to a cult (And long time foes of our party) "The Empty Vessel"!

Let me catch you up,

We have a twelve year old kid in our party, Emily Rose (Who is played by my adult friend Nicole...No I don't hang out with twelve year old kids in real life, Get your head out of the gutter) Emily has supernatural abilities, primarily the power to heal herself & others in a way that would impress even the most skilled magic users. The Empty Vessel believes she is a sort of religious figure, and deems her unworthy of her gift, Leaving them with the bright idea to slaughter the child, in hopes her gift will be passed to a "More worthy" Disciple.

Needless to say, Quorthon addressed his concern without hesitation. The cult member introduced himself and assured he wanted no harm to come to Emily, In fact, It was the reason for his appearance.

He had come to warn us that a group of his friends have made camp up ahead, waiting to ambush us.

After some time, and no small amount of questions, Quorthon had come to believe the man was worth trusting, and they had devised a plan for our party to take an alternate route to our destination, as to avoid unnecessary bloodshed.

The man left, and Quorthon finished his watch...And now it was time for me to take his place.

I was playing my rogue, Scanner. Scanner is lawful Evil...I don't believe that Scanner is truly evil at heart, quite the opposite really, but he has a list of very strict rules that are understandably...well, questionable. I asked Quorthon if anything worth note happened during his watch, and he made the horrible, Horrible mistake of telling me the truth.

Scanner has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to those who would dare harm a child, and The Empty Vessel makes him see Red without fail. I waited until Quorthon was sound asleep (Rather, In his elf-like trance) and then I made my way over to Kethra (Our groups Cleric, played by my friend Steve) and I gave her a nudge to wake her. Kethra opened her eyes and I said very simply "Hey, Can you keep watch for a minute, I have to take a leak."

Kethra agreed...But she also had enough sense to keep an eye on me, noticing as I walked behind a nearby tree, only to awkwardly run off into the distance immediately after I was "Out of sight"

And that's when the murders started...

I found the cultists camp not too far ahead of our own, I was in a beautiful clearing, with a fire set, A circle of men sleeping nearby it, and one small tent pitched off to the side. Two men sat guard, both facing the same direction, like idiots. Slowly, I snuck up behind the two of them, with the intent of cutting both their throats with one quick swoop...

...It could have gone better, Despite me using daggers and aiming for their necks, they both somehow got their ribs broken (The dice do as they will) and only one of them died outright, I had to chase the other a few feet, and he made some Horrible gurgling noises along the way.

Fortunately! Only one person woke up...the same guy Quorthon spoke to earlier. He was sleeping in the tent, and opened the flap to see what was going on. His timing could not have been much worse, I had just lit a couple torches using the nearby fire, and had thrown one toward the tent. The torch hit the poor guy in the chest and and gave him a real fright. While he was swiping furiously at his robes in shock, I walked over, booted him inside the tent. I proceeded to light the tent on fire with the second torch, Not to mention circle it like a shark once it was ablaze, to ensure no one escaped.

The raging fire woke the remaining cult members sleeping outside... Some got away, Aside from the two slowest dudes, and the guy who couldn't get out of his sleeping bag in time (I'm fairly certain I broke his ribs also) I simply yelled the word "Run!" at the remaining cultists as they fled into the woods.

(I am aware this all sounds horrible, but hey, I got to protect the kid, right?)

After my brief Midnight Blood Bath, I headed back toward camp.

While this had all been happening, Kethra had woken Quorthon & the others. They spent some time talking, but eventually decided to go after me. Besra (Our groups Monk, played by my friend Julian) Was our groups fastest member, By Far, And he raced ahead of the others, hoping to catch me before and damage was done.

Besra arrived just in time to see my shady silhouette cast by a collapsing tent on fire. I knew that I had been ratted out, But I thought I would try my chances anyway, Simply saying...

"...I had to take a leak."

And That is how I got my character figurine.

Well this is fucking awkward

I was the Dungeon Master for a group of three players.

The party consisted of a Human Bard, Fighter, and Goliath Barbarian. The adventurers were braving an underground dungeon, in search of excitement and treasure! In record time, They had overcome a horrifying shape-shifter, Opened a door which seemed unable to be opened, crossed an over sized spike pit, and eventually found themselves in a hallway with four different colored doors. One of the doors was red, The Barbarian (Formerly known as Root-Smasher) who was played by my friend Alex, Opened the door to reveal a room full of skeletons, And a glowing Orb upon an altar at the far end (About 30 or so feet away) The door was promptly closed due to it's bad vibes.

The fighter in the group was named Bierget, A stocky sailor played by my friend Lisa, who was playing Dungeons & Dragons for the first time. Despite the fact Bierget was practically mute (Due to "Someone" choosing a hilarious yet seemingly embarrassing...dutch? accent) Lisa did a dynamite job for a first time player. After a few trips to different doors, Bierget decided to go back through the red one to get that orb!

I pictured her walking in confidently for the first ten feet or so, before slowing down awkwardly and remembering the room was full of skeletons...Regardless, the orb was nearly withing her grasp. Root-Smasher had walked in after Bierget, with the Bard now alone in the hallway. The fighter bent down to grab the orb, and upon making contact, the door slammed closed behind them! The light left the room, as the Skeletons rose up from the ground, and formed a line in front of the now sealed exit, leaving Bierget and Root-Smasher trapped inside with them.

But let us jump outside the room for a second and join the other player.

The Bard...The Bard was a piece of work.

This guy was played by my friend Josh, and Josh loves to make characters. I can say with absolute certainty, that Josh has a gift for developing unique, rich, intriguing characters...But a solid 90% end up with some "Creepy" characteristics, if not from the start, they will be inherited. I do not recall this particular characters name, but I can still see him clear as crystal. A large man over six feet, who wore his skullet with pride.

The Bard was outside the room when the door slammed...

...And he opened it right back up.

The skeletons had give or take two seconds of being cool and intimidating, before getting beat to a pulp from both sides.

What, you aren't happy to see your dead wife?

A long time ago, I played a Wizard named Malodon. Malodon is old, powerful, and above all else...an idiot.

I'll be clear, Malodon does not lack intelligence, he has a wealth of knowledge! Unfortunately, he's fucking old and his wisdom packed up shop ages ago.

Our Dungeon Master at the time was my friend Ian, Ian has an incredible talent for storytelling. Our adventures were rich with detail, you could almost smell the air around you, as Ian would maneuver his hands in the air to better craft the environment. Back in those days, we spent a lot of time with our characters out of combat, far from dungeons. We rather found joy exploring each new city, meeting the inhabitants, and uncovering their secrets.

One of the coolest things Ian set up, was a scenario in which our group had to infiltrate a party, with a guest list full of rich folks. In all honesty, I can't recall what information we were sent to obtain, All I know, Is that I had one job! and I blew it.

The group split up, hoping to maximize our chances of finding whoever it was we were looking for, and all I had to do was make sure the Captain of the guard stayed occupied for the duration of our stay.

The captain of the guard was good at his job, and if you weren't on the guest list, you were out of there!

So how was I going to keep this guy distracted without him seeing me?

Well, at some point I had seen a painting of this guys wife, and Malodon has the magical ability to disguise his form, so...

I found a spot where no one could see me, and cast the spell, along with another to adorn myself in a gorgeous white dress. The guard captain was outside on the balcony, It was almost perfect. There was one little problem, the spell did not change the users voice, and Malodon didn't exactly sound like a beautiful young woman...Lucky for me, he didn't have to. There was no one else on the balcony, just to two of us. As I approached, he looked at me with wide eyes, and his lip began to quiver as tears began to fall from his face. He simply uttered "I'm so sorry" And off he went! Onto the railing. And over The Edge.

Turns out his wife had been dead for years.

Sweep the not bad

Upon reaching the caverns,

"You see a strange looking goblin dressed in an oddly cobbled together attire of formal ware seemingly pieced together out of random bits of cloth. He is sitting sadly on a rock near the entrance to the tunnels, with a hobos bindle over one shoulder and a deep frown on his face. Upon noticing your approach, he perks up and seems incredibly happy, introducing himself with a grand bow.

He introduces himself as Sweep...Sweep the Not Bad"

This is how we met our temporary goblin companion.

When we first met Sweep, he informed us that he was looking for new friends, his old friends were mean & unsophisticated. He was far too intelligent for a goblin, and lacked the primitive qualities of his kind.

When we inquired as to how this came to be, He told us the story of the Purple Light Rock.

Sweep got into a scrap with the goblin leader, and left to cool down. Deep within the cave system, Sweep found a glowing purple rock, upon touching it he was filled with new understanding and perception of the world around him (He even showed us the necklace he made for himself, using a fragment of the rock)

Sweep no longer needed the other goblins and left to seek adventure, as he could now make decisions for himself. His character was played by our friend Julian, who is truly blessed with the gift of gab. My favorite Sweep moment was during a combat encounter, Sweep took a serious amount of damage in one blow, and one of our companions rushed to his side asking if he was alright. The little goblin looked up and quietly spoke "Sweep...not bad, but, but he's not good."

We didn't know Sweep for long, After we left the goblin caverns Sweeps necklace broke on a rock or something.

All I remember is that he went feral and killed one of our companions...

...And then we killed him.

It was a sweet ride while it lasted though.

There Is Snow way that worked!

During our most recent adventure, the party found itself lost (Due to a series of incredibly poor dice rolls) in a snow covered mountain forest. The snowfall became hazardous, and we could hear thunderous noise off in the distance as the very earth began to shake under our feet. We wandered for a good long while, when two large shapes appeared in the distance. They approached, slowly at first, then, much quicker. Before we knew it, we were standing in front of two Frost Giants! One boasted a magnificent beard, he lowered to a knee and spoke to us. We were informed as to our apparent trespassing and were presented with the "vague" option of Work or Food. Quarthon (Our Beefy Elven warrior) spoke quietly..."food?"

There was no chance to reason, as the giants hammer raced towards us! But fortune was on our side. Fernius, a Gnome Bard in our company, reacted with haste, Charming our foes with his musical majesty, Leaving them dazed and confused. We knew physical harm would snap the beasts back into reality, and we decided to focus fire on them one at a time. To our surprise, we managed to best the powerful enemies, and left with all of our bones in tact. I did however, learn the hard way that you Do Not want those guys to even hit the ground near you.

Soon after, the storm got much worse, and we needed to find shelter. Upon searching, we noticed a large cave mouth in the distance...With two sleeping giants just outside. We had used too much energy in our previous battle, the best course of action was hoping to sneak passed them. Two members of our party, took to the sky, and reached the cave entrance with ease. Meanwhile, us Non-Magic folk had to make a slow and clumsy descent toward it. The cave was not far, but it was downhill, and it was ever so slippery. Lucky for me, I play a nimble rogue, and the dice were rolling in my favor. I flowed down the hill with grace, almost dancing as my other to party members tumbled down like a couple of idiotic over sized babies trying to walk for the first time.

I made a comment.

And indeed ate my words.

As I finished mocking my friends, My footing slipped.

I rolled so fast, that I became nothing more than a large snowball heading downward. I eventually hit something, and came to a stop, as my unwanted snowy disguise fell to pieces. The giants awoke and headed toward me to investigate the sound that had so rudely woken them. Quarthon (The Musclebound Elf I mentioned earlier) was not prepared to give up....and decided to imitate the noise of a mountain goat.

After a long out of game debate, as to whether or not it sounded convincing,

I waited for my impending doom.

But the giants totally bought it, and went right back to sleep.

What a couple of morons.

Hello, my name is sacrif ishalam

I've played a lot of characters over the years, but one of my favorites was a dwarf fighter named Berrik Towerfall.

Berrik was a burly, bald, ill tempered war veteran, who loved nothing more than a good fight and a flagon on ale.

His brother (Garrick Towerfall) was played by my friend Josh. The Towerfall brothers hail from Geurdom (Ge-urn-dom)

which is exactly what it sounds like, a named we invented on the spot when asked by our Dungeon Master where we came from. The Towerfall brothers went through some serious stuff while they were alive.

But this story is about the character I made after Berrik died...the first time.

Berrik has died twice, both are tales for another time.

The first time I lost Berrik, I was super upset.

The group had decided to retrieve Berrik back, from Hell itself!

And I made a character specifically for the task.

He was a able to heal others, conjure illusions, deal damage, and he was expendable.

I didn't want to get overly attached to a temporary character, seeing as I wanted my Dwarf back, and I named my new Human Cleric, Sacrif Ishalam...which is pronounced the way it is spelled.

And boy did he live up to the name. Shortly after joining the party, we encountered a Beholder!

Beholders are a nightmare in physical form, Giant floating sphere shaped creatures, with multiple eye stalks branching off its body, all of which possess a different magical power. The Beholder was out of its element, injured, and by no means one of the more dangerous among its race, and still the battle was only a half victory, we were all near death, and one of our group was turned into solid gold statue (Beholders usual turn you to stone, but we thought gold was a funnier, more fitting alternative due to that characters main trait being how rich he was)

Sacrif Ishalam managed to survive...and was promptly killed moments later while leaving the building, when a nearby wall collapsed to reveal two man sized centipedes.

It was not a pretty death.

Oh, Krud.

Currently, I play Dungeons & Dragons two times a week. On Wednesday, My friend Pete is our Dungeon Master.

Pete has many joys in life, but his passion for the written word can make the rest look dull to the casual observer. On Wednesday, our campaign is decorated with flavorful descriptions of our surroundings, rich detail and backstory attached to any characters we meet, and gruesomely poetic verbal displays of how our enemies (And sometimes companions) are mutilated before our eyes.

On Saturday however, I take up the role of Dungeon Master & attempt to supply the same majesty Pete brings to the table.

Pete plays a character during our Saturday campaign, named Brother Midas. Brother Midas is...questionable, at best. When we first started playing on Saturdays, Pete had another character named Krud.

Krud has an extensive backstory, The character is truly developed, and was the most lovable half orc you could imagine. Krud took it upon himself to place the safety of the party into his own hands, always looking out for the others (Most of all, the two halflings in the group) and trying to lead by example.

We played for ages without a lineup change, the party was strong, well organized, and doing well...until the accident. The party was in a dungeon for WEEKS, Multiple four to five hour sessions in the same dangerous, dimly lit, booby trapped, confusing lair of death. The dungeon was not particularly difficult to complete, but there was a locked door of white gold, and sapphire that required four hidden keys to enter, and there was no way in hell they were leaving without getting that door open. After endless encounters with violent monsters, confusing puzzles, and annoying treasure goblins, the party managed to unlock the door. The players left the dungeon full of gold and treasure, but not of joy. The dungeon exit was blocked by a fearsome Chimera! A three headed monstrosity, hellbent on destroying any creature so daring as to set foot before it. The Chimera was eventually defeated, As well as Krud, who layed there dying, unable to be saved from deaths embrace. After a final goodbye, the party left the dungeon with heavy hearts, and small mementos they had taken from Kruds person to remember him by.

The team decided, they would do whatever it takes to bring Krud back (Which can often be possible in the world of Dungeons & Dragons) And shortly after, the players were fortunate enough to meet someone with the power to grant that exact wish.

At this point, I should remind you that Krud is a Paladin, and has strong beliefs regarding the dead staying dead!

With that in mind, the group decided to bring him back anyway.

Not only that, but they decided to use his tooth (Which one person took as a keepsake) opposed to his body, which was about a fifteen minute walk away. This meant that Kruds soul would be reforged into whatever the universe saw fit, and that was a Hill Dwarf.

The now, Hill Dwarf Krud, was unconscious for about three days in his new body.

When the time came that he finally woke up, after panicking toward the fact he should still be dead, he realized something was different, and found a mirror.

That was the first, and only time he has ever uttered the phrase "Oh, Krud."

Son Of A Lich!

I'm a sucker for a pun, good or bad. No Lich's sons were harmed or involved in this tale...or were they?

I arrived late to the table this Wednesday.

Although it was not TOO late, my party managed to get us locked in mortal combat with a extremely dangerous, terrifying, intimidating, rotting yet immortal sorcerer.

You see, We recently found ourselves in a dungeon that was home to this particular pale nightmarish bitch from hell, and we may have killed a small boatload of her pet Owl bears she was using for experimentation.

We were spared our lives, on the condition we replace the creatures with new ones that still had a pulse. So naturally, we agreed and proceeded to go on our merry way with no intent of every actually holding our end of the bargain. It's not as though she would hunt us down personally over a few insignificant Owl bears right?...

...Boy did we mess that one up.

We were having such a lovely road trip, in our new four horse carriage (Straight from the dealership)

next thing you know, our seven foot tall barbarian is a pile of ash, our halfling bard is out cold, The kid we travel with (Story for another time) looks good as dead, and the two of us still standing had seen better days.

All in all, I'd say things worked out alright.