Find Your Tribe

Who you share your life with matters

There is a reason that humans have assembled and lived in communities from almost the dawn of time. It was to share work, resources, and protection. The more interconnected our world becomes, the less we think we need close-knit relationships with those around us. It is a false assumption, and we are paying the price.

Ease of travel and instant communication has not drawn us closer together but pulled us further apart. I think that even when we don’t realize it, we are all missing having a tribe. Every person, even those of us who tend to be a bit reclusive (hand raised high here), needs a tribe. Your tribe will look different from mine, and that’s okay. What matters is that you have one.

We have friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, on-line friends, acquaintances, and the list goes on. How many belong to your tribe? Here is how I answer that question.

If something awful happened right now, who are the first handful of people I would call? If I got great news, who are the people I first want to tell? My tribe is pretty small, but that’s okay. Size doesn’t matter, but quality does.

I saw this quote on Facebook several years ago, during a dark time in my life. It resonated with my soul as absolute truth.

“I don’t care whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand beside you without flinching — they are your family.” — Jim Buther.

If you have a tribe, and you invest heavily in one another, then count yourself as fortunate. Too many people in this world are lost, hurting, and alone. They may have friends and family, but not a tribe. Some people have a crammed social calendar, but they do not have a tribe.

Why?

Sometimes it is hard to let people get that close. Distance, life, and just busyness can obscure the importance of building a support network that will be there no matter what. To have that kind of support, we have to be willing to give that kind of help.

We are all imperfect people. We are all broken in some way. In genuine relationships, those that stand the test of time, it is about meshing our craziness and our brokenness into something messy and beautiful. When did we get so busy with meaningless stuff that we forgot how essential relationships are?

Scrolling through social media, hitting a like button, a quick “aww, he’s so cute” comment on an Instagram post — those are not the ways to build lasting and meaningful relationships. It is, however, safer. If we don’t open up and let people into our inner circle, then they can’t really hurt us.

Investing in people is a dangerous business. We get hurt, sometimes profoundly. People leave us, betray us, or their mask slips and see that they are not who we thought they were.

So, somewhere along the way, we start building walls. We only want the walls to keep out those who can hurt us, but life isn’t that tidy. The walls end up keeping out those who could love us. We delude ourselves into thinking we are safe because we have built our fortress. But, we forget that we are creatures who were created to live in a community.

“If you don’t heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” Author Unknown

Just let that one sink in. How do you treat people in your life today because of hurts you carry from your past? It makes me sad to think of all the opportunities I have missed to do more, connect more, and have deeper relationships all because I was bleeding on people who never cut me. I work hard not to do that anymore. I fail. I still keep trying. Why? Because my tribe is worth it.

If you don’t have a tribe, start building one. If your clan is small, like mine, figure out if there is room for more. This life stuff is hard, and we need each other to get through it. Trust people until they give you a reason not to. Forgive more, laugh harder, love fiercely, and enjoy the messy chaos together.

I have one last piece of advice.

Your tribe doesn’t have to look, act, or believe as you do. To thrive, you need people who will challenge you and not let you become complacent in your little bubble. Surrounding ourselves with people who don’t challenge us means we have stopped learning and growing.

Cherish those that matter and stop wasting your emotional energy on the ones who don’t. As cliché as it sounds, be the friend you want to have. Show up when they need you, get in their face if you have to, fight, make-up, laugh, cry, laugh until you cry, and do life together. In the end, those are things that matter.