Meet Latrell. Latrell is bi.

“I'm a 37-year-old man,” Latrell says when I ask him to tell me a little about himself. He continues,

I'm a graphic designer who's been trying to get out of graphic design for a while. I've kind of had a new job. It's still graphic design, but a little bit more technical and basically do maps for commercial real estate companies these days. My wife and I have been in Denver for six and a half years. I grew up a military brat, so I'm from all over but I'm also from Buffalo, where my wife and I met, where my parents and brothers still are and most of my closest friends. I'm also a musician, and a film nerd. Those are the two things I usually tell people I am as well.

He laughs.

I note that he said that he's a film nerd so I'm curious to know if there are any actors who have recently come out as bi that may have brought him inspiration, because this is his coming out story. This is his opportunity to share with the world at large that he is a proud, openly bi man now.

He confesses, “Well, no. Not any in particular.” He thinks for a bit, then says,

You know, I have been kind of watching some of Ellen Page's, like, 'Gaycation' and things like that, which is just more queer visibility, more than, you know, bisexuality. So, some of that, just seeing different nations and, you know, cultures and different problems that people face here. And, you know, a lot of the visibility aspect of it, I guess.

Being bi has been a bit of a double-edged sword for bi men. We face criticism from both straight and gay people who don't believe we exist, as well as others who brand us as gay and in denial, or perhaps with one foot dipping into the gay pool once in a while, while standing firmly in the straightlands. Which is strange to me, because admitting one is bi (in itself, a whole, complete sexuality, not unlike being gay or lesbian) is an act of courage on par with someone coming out gay or lesbian or trans or nary or ace. To individuals that hear almost on the daily that bi people don't exist, this is beyond frustrating.

It's why we have the bi community: to uplift each other, to boost confidence, and reassure each other that we are real; that what we are feeling is valid and true. But we can only do so much within our tightly-knit groups. It's why we need to have others to look up to, especially people in the media, celebrities, and athletes, to show we can make it in this world and still be out and proud as bi.

Latrell continues to think about star power,

You know, a lot of my heroes coming up, long before I realized my own sexuality, were bisexual, and kind of looking back, you know, historically, like Cary Grant is one of my favorite actors. And, you know, I am, and was, a huge movie fan of him. So, you know, just a lot of people that I admired, growing up, you know, kind of in hindsight, once I kind of started to realize my own sexuality, looking back at the things I was into and interested in, and associated with, you kind of go, 'Oh, Duh!', I should have realized this sooner. Even those people weren't exactly always blatant about it. Cary Grant, in particular. Those were all, somewhat, rumors, you know, to a certain extent.

“Rumors with a lot of blatant photographs,” I think to myself. But even though, even today, it's a scary thing to come out bi, we can't even imagine what it was like for people in the era of Cary Grant's film career. Speaking of fears, I ask Latrell to describe in one sentence his fear of coming out bi.

One of the biggest things is that I realized my sexuality after I was already married. My wife and I have an open marriage. And some of the fear is feeling like I need to explain that even though it's not required. The two aren't necessarily related. And, you know, I have really great friends and family support system, but my father's, you know, a Fox News watching, conservative, ex-military guy. So like, there's some of the kind of standard things about that. My mom was in theater before I was born so my parents were around a lot of queer people.

And I asked my mom, somewhat recently about her theater experience. And she had just kind of said in passing that, “Oh, yeah? My co-star...” (someone who she was in play with) “You know, we would go out to like, you know, a gay bar after every show or whatever. And you know, your father would not come. That's just not his kind of place; his kind of thing.” Yeah, I mean, I get that especially like in the '70s in Pensacola, Florida, or San Diego, California. Wherever it was. But like, you know, it's kind of like a little... not disheartening. But for lack of a better word disheartening.

Those were definitely different times, and although some people still today subscribe to never being in the presence of an LGBT community member, those people are few and far between. They are a minority. We have loads of support from the straight community today, but it can be scary trying to figure out which type of people your parents really are.

I asked Latrell about that first instance when he realized he was actually bi.

So one of the one of the things that opened up our marriage was I was kind of turned on by the idea of her being with other men and that the longer we talked about that, and the longer things happened I realized I was kind of living vicariously through that kind of thing. And I have never been a jealous person at all and she kind of has a little bit more jealousy issues, so. My first experience outside of our marriage, you know, I wanted to, A) discover something new about myself, and B) be with someone that there was a less likelihood of jealousy, you know, just like, a different... just saying: something she couldn't offer because she's not a man. You know?

Latrell's wife is very aware of his bisexuality and stands by him. And it helps that she is bi herself. He says, “Yes. She encourages me and she's also... She kinda more refers to herself as 'pansexual' or 'free ass motherfucker' as Janelle Monae coined herself. So.”

istock/Dean Mitchell

As his wife uses 'pan' as the best word to describe how she feels sexually towards others, Latrell uses the labels 'bi' and 'queer' to describe his sexuality. And more. He states, “Yeah, I feel heteroflexible, at times, too.”

If there's one sexuality within the LGBT community that loves its labels, it's the bi crowd. We go by bi, pan (both -sexual and -romantic), fluid, omnisexual, ambisexual, ply (polysexual), curious, sexually fluid, flexible (both hetero- and homo-), prosexual, humasexual, and both greysexual and demisexual for those along the ace spectrum. Some prefer no label at all. While others prefer 'human' or just being 'sexual' in general. And, of course, there are more recent additions: flux, fluxurious, besides, between, and beyond. Some people are even reclaiming the older, more controversial ones like switch (or switch-hitter) and 50/50. And there will continue to be more.

Where the gays have animal terms to divide and rank their masses, such as bear, panther, otter, and silver fox, we have our various names to describe the degree to which we have queer feelings towards someone and we get pretty specific about the genders we are attracted to.

Recently, I've decided that all the labels that relate to fluid sexuality describe me now. All of them. Where some people would say the definitions for each are similar, but with some overlap, I now say: all the labels, under the bi+ umbrella, I identify with, and with no overlap.

And that's okay.

Because each of us as bi individuals, we have our own definition for what each label means; the ones that relate most to how we feel. And just as we have our own definitions for what bi means, or pan, or fluid, so does every bi/pan/ply/fluid+ organization.

And that's okay.

As was stated before, Latrell's wife prefers to go by 'pan'. Latrell prefers 'bi' and 'queer'. Just as much as we love our labels in our community, we also love to argue about them. But, hey. If Latrell and his wife can remain together in a marriage despite finding different labels for each other while they both have a sexuality between gay/lesbian and straight, then we all can, too. There doesn't need to be division when we're all in this together. We get enough divisiveness from other communities, such as the gay and lesbian ones and the straight one.

I wondered if Latrell had ever heard any disparaging remarks about bi people from his friends and family when he was growing up. Latrell thinks a bit, then answers,

My father was in the military. I have a number of friends who are also in the military. They're like the most liberal people that were in the goddamn military, but there's still, can have, you know, that stereotypical military mindset and even their broad statements, like, “Why is there Pride Day?”, and “Is there Pride Week?”, “There's a whole Pride Month?”, “How is this (a thing)?”. You know, just kind of like, not seeing, um, not knowing the difference and not being able to understand that there is a difference. Just some of those kind of statements. A number of times, in those same conversations, they would say like, “Well, I don't, I'm not really friends with any gay people, or queer people.”. And I'm kind of like, just, you know, perfect opportunity to say “Yes, you are!” but kind of fell short of saying it.

I questioned him about other sexuality communities having our backs when we come out as bi. He confesses,

Definitely not the straight community. Like a little bit more now than two or three years ago, but yeah. I've heard and read about a lot of bisexual people of any gender not feeling as welcomed in a lesbian community or a gay community. And my experience has been the opposite. I'm sure there's a bad experience, you know, that will happen to the me at some point, but, you know, I think that from the, from the queer community here in Denver, anyway, you know, it's, I don't even get like a funny look or, or anything. You know, it's like, you know, like at most I'll get a question: “Are you married to a man or a woman”? And it's like, cool. Whatever, no big deal.

We need to start hearing more stories about bi people being accepted within queer spaces. The mass amount of stories online about how we face intolerance from gay and lesbian and straight people can get daunting. Although it is important to face the reality that backlash from them still exists, it isn't always the case, and bi people should be made aware that they may not ever experience the kind of negativity towards them that others have come across in the past.

Latrell says he has been in a same-gender relationship, but not before he was married.

I had like, kind of like, kissed male friends of mine. Like, my friends and I are very good, friendly people in general. And I haven't really had a full on relationship with anyone. There was one guy, like the second guy I was ever with. We got along really, really well. And I still think about (him) a lot. I still talk to him. But he moved from Denver to New York. So, he kind of, like, set the bar in my mind. I wouldn't call what we had a relationship, but like, had he not moved I could easily have seen that becoming more of a regular thing.

As we come to conclusions about our sexuality, we need to take some time to reflect on what we love about it. We need to spend more of our waking hours thinking about what we love about being bi. I ask everyone I interview to tell me what about being bi brings them the most joy and comfort. What, to them, about being bi brings them the most happiness. Latrell answers,

Well, I think, overall, I've always been a passionate person who really really values friendships of all types. And I kind of recognize that, you know, being a 37 year old, black American male, friendship is something that tends to be lacking for people who fit that description. You know, people don't have many friends. And if they do they might not be close. Or as close as they could be with people because of some kind of, maybe, homophobia. Maybe just, you know, personal tension or whatever. And I think my sexuality aspect towards friendships is just kind of a further expanse of “You can love anybody.” You can love anybody. And I think that's the cheesy, most important thing.

It was the plan from the beginning that Latrell was going to come out with this interview. He was to make the brave step out of the closet and into the open world. For reasons beyond his control, he's made the decision to stay anonymous.

This is a first for me. I've been interviewing closeted people for over two years and they are all terrified to be outed. Sure. I get it. Recently I've decided to help some of them out of the closet by making a big 'to-do' about being bi, and for the most part, it's gone pretty well, until now.

Latrell has a wife he could've potentially outed with this article. He has a decent career. He has a great family. All things he doesn't wish to lose. And when people come out, it can be a sacrifice. You may lose everything. But, you also may not lose anything.

I didn't.

Because I stood for who I am. I didn't back down. Hahahaha. Just kidding. Actually, it's because I made sure I had a great relationship with everyone in my world before I came out. I did that for three years leading up to coming out. It was difficult but it worked. I hope with this article, someone has the strength to come out as bi. It isn't bad at all being out, at least for me. But, I'm lucky to live in a mostly moderate state, in a country where I can get married to a man if I want. If that isn't your situation and it isn't safe, then don't come out. But if you sense it's time. It's time.