I’ve been on top of my game ever since I agreed to write this RuPaul’s Drag Race column for this second-rate website that nobody reads. All-Stars 4 has been a sickening journey into the annals of the RuPaul Drag’s Race Ru- niverse , until now. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with Ru that everyone loves a comeback story. But after watching last night’s episode and killing two bottles of Veuve Cliquot from sheer boredom, and then popping two benzos because I just could not take it anymore, I officially decided to wait until today to write this article.

All Stars 4 La-La-Pa-Ruza

Last week my nipples got hard when Ru announced that the All Stars rules had been suspended and that all the eliminated queens were coming back. I spent the whole week anticipating and fantasizing about what the twist could be. I was reading blogs and checking the queens’ twitter in an attempt to read the tea leaves. Believe it or not, bitch, I brought out the deck of tarot that I got from New Orleans to try and see what the f**k was going to happen. I should have known that a “High Priestess” in the past positions and a “Queen of Swords” in the future position meant trouble. Let me explain.

This week the eliminated queens came back for a chance to jump back into the competition and also potentially give last week’s bottoms the chop if they won lip synchs against them. The eliminated queens had the choice of who they wanted to battle. Manila and Monet were safe because they were last weeks tops. So I won’t really touch them. Let me just go with the lip synchs that actually went down. I don’t like including spoilers in these reviews, but since the episode last night put me in a mood, I’m just going to say:

SPOILER ALERT

Jasmine vs. Trinity

Jasmine “ jush ” Masters took a risky bet by choosing Trinity the Tuck. Both of these queens are fierce A.F, but based on the season, only one of them has come prepared to play the game. Can you guess who I’m talking about? just glance over to the left. And, predictably, the Tuck turned out a stronger performance than Jasmine. It seemed as if Jasmine didn’t really know the words that well. When the booty clapping started, it was the end. Jasmine, bless her soul, can’t make that padded booty clap. I’m a firm believer that pilates and squats will solve that problem. Jasmine Masters is flawless in other ways, such as how confident and proud she is of everything she does. That personality is a winner for me, and it makes me love her every time I see her. Last night, she sashayed away for the third time.

Farrah vs. Valentina

Up next was Farrah Moan, who chose Valentina. She wanted to even the score, of course. Valentina sent her packing in the infamous “You don’t love me” smackdown. Seeing Farrah again made me feel bad for some of the shade I wrote about her. She’s so godamned tender and this week it’s clear that it’s just who she is. And I want to say, Farrah, honey, be you. You have a fan and a friend here at flashkiki.com But last night’s La-la-pa-Ruza proved to be fatal for Farrah. She chose “Villaintina” and the tele-novela quickly took a tragic turn for Farrah. Valentina danced circles around my boo. This was the point in the show when I opened my second bottle of Veuve.

Gia Gunn vs. Naomi Smalls

I told my husband he’s not getting any pussy when he started bad mouthing Gia. I get it she stirs the pot. I get it she comes off as a mean-girl . But she’s my mean girl. And I love the fact that she reenforced that you can be trans and still be a drag performer. Gia chose Naomi Smalls, probably because Naomi seemed the weakest amongst the girls that were still in the competition. But Naomi slayed . Gia seemed like she forgot her words there for a second. We saw Naomi at her best last night. Let’s hope she steps up her pussy going forward.

Latrice Royale Vs. Monique Hart