Mario Chalmers is a human with a cell phone so I sent him some text messages.



Me: Hey, man.

Mario: Hi.

Me: what’s up? How are you?

Mario: good

Me: I saw the game the other night

Mario: which one?

Me: come on

Mario: I’m in the NBA. I play a lot of games.

Me: you know the one

Mario: against the Celtics?

Me: dude

Mario: against the bucks?

Me: the who?

Me: don’t run from this

Me: it’s fine

Me: we can talk about it

Me: the Indiana game

Mario: oh

Me: it wasn’t that cool for LeBron to yell at you

Mario: well

Me: were you scared?



Mario: what?

Me: because he’s big

Mario: so

Me: I mean, he’s BIG. He’s like if a stegosaurus was yelling at you.

Me: OH MAN IMAGINE A STEGOSAURUS IN A HEADBAND SHOOTING A 3-POINTER THAT’S THE BEST THING

Me: what kind of defense would you play against a stegosaurus???

Mario: wtf are you even talking about?

Me: I remember I was playing basketball in middle school at a game or whatever and the coach started yelling at me and I for real just started crying and went and sat down

Mario: dude

Me: do you know what I did when I got home?

Mario: cried more

Me: bingo

Me: did you cry? Afterward, I mean. After LeBron yelled at you?

Mario: no

Me: did it hurt your feelings?

Mario: dude

Me: did you talk to him about it? You should’ve just gone up to him like, “hey, man. I didn’t think it was that cool for you to yell at me like that in front of everyone and also all of America.”

Mario: right

Me: Then he’d have been like, “RRRRAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH”

Me: BECAUSE HE’S A STEGOSAURUS

Me: GET IT? HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAA THAT’S A LITTLE THING CALLED A CALLBACK

[No response.]

Me: Hello?

[No response.]

Me: :( man, that was probably the best stegosaurus joke I ever told

Mario: it wasn’t very good

[No response.]

Mario: yo

[No response.]

Mario: hello?

[No response.]

Mario: jesus christ are you crying again?

Me: MAYBE I AM, MARIO, AND MAYBE I’M NOT, MARIO, IT’S NOT YOUR PROBLEM

Mario: you gotta chill, man

Me: I HAVE A LITTLE THING CALLED FEELINGS, MARIO. MAYBE YOU HEARD OF THEM? I KNOW YOU HAVE BECAUSE I WAS JUST TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THEM, MARIO. THAT’S A LITTLE THING CALLED BEING CAUGHT IN A SNARE TRAP.

Mario: the joke was fine

[No response.]

Mario: it was good

[No response.]

Mario: it was funny. Real funny.

Me: you really think so?

Mario: … yes

Me: that’s nice of you to say, Mario

Me: you’re a nice guy

Me: I feel kind of bad for all the bad stuff I said about you after your rap video came out

Mario: :/

Me: what a weird thing that was

Me: it was funny that you were like, “you know what would really be dope? You know what would really set this video off? If I was dribbling a ball while wearing slacks! BOOM! SOMEBODY CALL THE GOVERNMENT AND LET THEM KNOW THAT I JUST CRASHED THE STOCK MARKET BECAUSE I AM SO MONEY!!!!”

Mario: I didn’t say any of that

Me: I mean, but you basically did

[No response.]

Me: OK, I have to go, man

Mario: bye

Me: stay easy. Tell LeBron I said what’s up

Mario: I’m not gonna do that

Me: OK. Well at least tell Wade then

Mario: no

Me: Ray?

Mario: nope

Me: Joel Anthony?

Mario: … all right.