Coronavirus ‘a serious and imminent threat to public health’ insists serious and imminent threat to public health

Health Secretary Matt Hancock has declared the Coronavirus “a serious and imminent threat” to public health, which according to people familiar with his approach to the public health, is a bit fucking rich coming from him.

Hancock’s announcement came as the 2019-NCOV thing infected an eighth Briton, some way short of the 135,000 deaths attributed to the Conservative’s economic and social policies since 2010.

Experts believe these comparative figures suggest the Tories are now rampant and out of control.

However, officials are right to be cautious as cases of human-to-human transmission rise as easily as you can share this article to your loyal and dedicated Facebook pals.

Virus, Simon Williams, who has mutated sufficiently to develop considerable linguistic ability, said, “These wankers you keep voting for have killed thousands of the sick and vulnerable, but somehow I’m the bad guy?

“I’m not even making a choice to do what I do – it’s my nature to do these things. It’s not like I go around telling everyone I’ll make them stronger, and only when I get inside and take control do I change my mind and totally fuck things up. I’m at least honest in declaring my intentions.

“I’ll admit, I am partial to a nice respiratory system, but for the vast majority it’s little more than a cough and a sneeze. Some of you won’t even know you’ve got me and just think you’ve had a bad cold.

“Not only that, you won’t find me handing you a one-way ticket to Jamaica or stripping you of your EU citizenship and benefits.”

Williams added, “They’re building more hospitals because of me. Come to think of it, I deserve a fucking medal.”