To Christian people trying to navigate conversations about faith and sexuality with queer people of faith:

I entered a conversation with an acquaintance recently who approached me asking how I reconciled my faith with my sexuality. I entered the conversation thinking it was one of mutual curiosity, where we’d take turns hearing one another and get to know each other in the process. The reality was very different. I wrote this in response to that experience.

Before I start, I will say that this is my experience, and LGBTQ people of faith are not a monolith. We believe differently, have different approaches and perspectives about theology, we have different experiences with inclusion and with rejection — don’t be afraid to ask the people you love in your own life what the most helpful and least hurtful way to have these discussions is, or if they’re ready to have them at all. Some of us aren’t right now, and that’s not an act of defiance — it’s an act of self-care. Start with generous assumptions about our intentions and concerns, and we will try to do the same for you. The more we can learn, grow, understand, empathize, the more bridges will be built for healing.

With all of that being said, here are some basic asks I’d make of anyone who wants to have meaningful conversations and relationships with the queer people of faith in their lives:

1) If you come to us asking about our stories or experiences, please, please, please make sure — BEFORE you ask us to step out in trust and open our hearts up to you about who we are and what we believe — that you have not already made up your mind about us.

There is nothing more disheartening than sharing a story and experience with a person and realizing that they were never intending to listen. I get that we all have our opinions. We are swimming in the vast pool of our own world views, and none of us is above that. Sometimes we are unaware of our biases. Sometimes we are well-aware but trying to learn anyway, and I can appreciate that. But do not come to us asking us to make ourselves vulnerable to you if you aren’t planning on making your own self equally vulnerable by sharing in our experience and seeking to understand. Do not bait us with a feigned vulnerability, either. Before you even so much as open your mouth, ask yourself: “Am I willing to be surprised by what I hear today?” If not, please don’t drag us into your process. It’s painful and exhausting.

2) The validity of our faith, our experience, our existence, is not up for debate.

You may disagree on how we understand what the scriptures say, but do not tell us that because you disagree, our perspective is “worldly” or “fleshly” or “flippant.” It is our salvation supposedly hanging in the balance here — do you really think we haven’t thought long and hard about what we believe? I am exhausted by the conversations I’ve had with people who have come to me telling me I’m trying to fit God into a box that gives me what I want regardless of what is true, as though the cost is greater for them than it is for me. This is my life. It is my faith. It is my prayer. It is my soul, and it is my death, and it is my spiritual health.

I have a great deal of self-love, a great deal of reverence for my faith, and a great deal of connectedness to my own spirit and convictions. Every single day, I try to lean towards wholeness, integrity, compassion for self and for others — I am not flippant. When I say I’ve drawn another conclusion than you have, it doesn’t mean I’m going against the word of God — it means I understand the word of God differently. I hear all the time that “you’re not going against MY word, but GOD’S.” And while I understand what you’re trying to communicate about your own reverence for the scriptures, I disagree with your conclusions. You do not have the monopoly on interpretation, and while one of us is likely right and the other likely wrong, one thing we cannot judge is the sincerity of another’s beliefs. Please stop trivializing our experiences, our commitment to our faith, and our ability to engage fairly in spiritual conversations simply because you disagree with our conclusions. It’s not helpful.

Listen. Hear us. You MIGHT learn something about God in the process. Isn’t it possible that God might speak through queer Christians, too? That we too are portraits of God’s image? I challenge you to start with the assumption we are sincere, that we love our faith as much as you love yours, and that our conclusions were come to thoughtfully and with integrity.

3) For those of you who feel we are lost sheep, distracted by the devil, hard-hearted sinners, etc. because of our orientation, I just want to say this: We already know what you think of us.

Most of us have had scripture thrown at us many, many times before you ever thought to. We grew up internalizing the same ideas about LGBTQ+ people, the same gender roles and expectations for femininity and masculinity — we have heard it all before, and we have felt it deeply, like cords around our spirits, for our whole lives. We already know. We already know. We already know. And it already hurts. Please, if you’re coming trying to save us from our sexualities, don’t. If you’re coming with verses you think we haven’t heard or understood, don’t. We know them. And all that does is breed further shame and isolation for those of us who identify as LGBTQ people of faith, makes us feel afraid to open up or have healthy discussions about these intersections, exhausts us, and leaves us emptier than we were when you showed up. We have heard it all before — we don’t need you to say it again. I understand the intentions might be sincere, but please believe me when I say to you that it hurts more than it helps.

4) For those of you who are still trying to figure out where you stand or what you believe, we have plenty of space for you here.

Most of us have been there too. But we need you to be curious — to ask questions, and assume the best about us. You can learn a lot from us, I promise. Our faiths have been riddled with obstacles. We have dealt with so much shame, and we have found so much freedom. We have had to learn to believe in the quiet love of God over the amplified voices that shout condemnation and fear into our spirits. Whether or not you agree with our conclusions, I promise you, you will learn more about yourself and about a God who loves you if you take the time to truly listen to the queer Christians in your life.

Also, if we tell you something you say or do hurts us, please understand this — we do not hate you. Many of us have struggled to wrap our own heads around what we believe here. Many of us have been hurtful to our own LGBTQ friends and family in that process. We are all learning. Don’t be defensive — just breathe, listen, and try to understand why we experienced that comment or action the way we did. A little empathy goes a long, long, long way.

5) For those of you who are already affirming, please speak up.

We’re tired. We have so much trauma in our bones from weaponized scripture and messages of judgment. Conversations with people who think we are sinful and in need of fixing are not just annoying (or “convicting”), they’re hurtful, and sometimes debilitating. They put us back inside vivid memories, listening to a pastor publicly condemn us, listening to our parents tell us we are disgusting, listening to our friends whisper and spread rumors — so sometimes those conversations are more than hard. They’re devastating. We try, but often (more often than we’d like to admit) they’re heavier than we have the strength for. Please, step in where you can. Speak up where you can. Educate yourself. Take the time to learn so you can lead the way when we don’t have the energy. Sometimes seeing you step up and stand with us is the gust of fresh air I need to catch my breath again.

6) Please understand that when we come across as angry, as annoyed, as strong-willed, we are usually not defensive. We are not “addicted to our sin” or wanting to keep something we know is bad for us. We are learning to love ourselves over and over and over again, and sometimes self-love means saying a loud and brave “NO” to messages that undermine our worth. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” — Gal 5:1. Our rejection of messages that undermine this freedom is an expression of faithfulness to a gospel of love.

Thank you for listening, those of you who made it this far.

I will quite simply delete comments if they violate what I wrote here :) no energy to argue right now. Thanks again! Love and light.