Some of you may recall my 2018 appearance on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, an appearance that netted me a healthy $50,000 sum, which in turn has allowed me to purchase a new laptop, eat at a 3-star Michelin restaurant, and drink out of a Hydroflask.

Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of auditioning for Jeopardy! at Trivia Nationals, which means I am now in the contestant pool — at any point during the next 18 months, I may get a call telling me I’ve been selected for the show.

The Ladies of Trivia Nationals

On my five hour drive back from Las Vegas, I came up with the insane idea to train for Jeopardy! like it was the Olympics. I am going to operate under the assumption that I will get a call within a year to appear on the show. Being me, an idiot maniac, I am going to undergo a health, diet, and prep regimen I’ve never before attempted. My training starts now.

WHY? You’re not even on the show yet.

Most contestants only have three weeks between “You’ve been selected for the show” day to tape day. If I assume that I will get a call within a year, and I begin preparing now, I will have a leg up on my opponents by having prepared for months in advance, as opposed to mere weeks.

But here’s the real reason I plan to embark on this insane experiment: given the goals I hope to accomplish, I need all the prep I can get. A frank assessment of my abilities shows that whilst I may be an above average pub trivia player (hell, I even run a bar trivia company), the knowledge deficit between me and the Jeopardy! greats is quite stark.

Moreover, this weekend at Trivia Nationals presented me with upsetting information: I am shockingly slow on the buzzer. I had assumed that my youth would be my greatest asset — after all, I am 10 years younger than the average Jeopardy! contestant, and my twitch reflex ought to be intact.

Well it turns out that I am slow like the hands Niall Horan wishes to run down my dirty laundry, a bop that I hope to be asked about during my Jeopardy! run, but will likely be superseded by some old-ass song like “Slow Train” by Bob Dylan (I literally had to Google “old ass songs with slow in the title” just now to make a sufficient reference).

During three rounds of 5x5 this weekend (5x5 is a game that is similar to Jeopardy!, but with five players instead of three), I beat exactly zero persons on the buzzer. I was only able to buzz in once on an anagram about Deep Tissue massages, and I’m pretty sure that’s because no one else in my room has been to a Korean spa nearly as much as I have.

My third area of concern is stamina — the Jeopardy! tape day goes from 9:30 am to 7 p.m. If you’ve ever been to a music festival with me, you know that standing is not my strong suit. I once stood through an entire set of Weezer, followed by an entire set of Juanes, followed by an excruciating set of John Mayer, only to have to leave right before the headliner came on because I couldn’t stand any longer. I don’t want physical exhaustion to be my downfall on the show, and based on contestant stories, fatigue seems to be a huge issue.

So what is it that I hope to accomplish? I’m not trying to be the next James Holzhaeur because my knowledge well simply isn’t deep enough, and a year of training isn’t going to make up the difference.

Here are my Jeopardy! goals:

I want to qualify for the Tournament of Champions, which means winning at least five games in a row. I want to win one $100,000 game. I have more personal goals that will not be revealed now, but will be if those goals are accomplished on the show.

Given my limitations, achieving #1 will be difficult, but attainable. #2 will require enormous luck and a board that falls exactly my way, but I have lucky taco socks for that.

So what’s the plan?

Part One: Pump Up the Jam, Pump it Up

A lot of Jeopardy! forums make a big deal over buzzer training and knowledge accumulation, but almost no one touches on stamina and health. Stamina and healthiness are not things I can cram in three weeks — it’s gonna take long-term build-up and commitment.

So first things first, I’m going sober.

I know, I can’t believe I just typed that either. For so long, I’ve enjoyed being a caricature out of a Hemingway novel, but alas, heavy alcohol consumption does kill brain cells, and I need to hang on to as many of those as I can. And cutting out all the sugar that gets packed into mojitos is surely going to delight my dentist, who noticed I had high blood sugar based on the state of my gums (truly, mortifying). I toyed with this on the drive back from Vegas — maybe I can limit myself to two beers a week. Or I can allow myself to drink at birthday parties. But knowing me, if I give myself even one exception, I’ll start making exceptions everywhere. It has to be all or nothing. So nothing it is.

Best believe that once the Jeopardy! tapings are over, I plan on being Ashlyn Harris after the USWNT won the 2019 World Cup. Yes, I plan on being a drunk white girl standing on top of a bar in France and hate-loving it.

Next, eating healthy brain foods. This is going to take up a longer blog post somewhere down the line, but I want my brain to be in tip-top condition and my memory to be running on all cylinders, so I plan on shifting my diet to optimize that. Kale, nuts, berries, and fish, come at me.

Morning runs are going to start working their way into my daily routine. This too will have to take the form of a later post, but right now in my preliminary planning stages, the best way I can think of to increase my stamina is by running.

If my body is at its healthiest, then on game day I can let my brain do the best it can do whilst being in the best shape it can be in. I know Jeopardy! isn’t a sport, but I’m treating it like it is. Also because I’m curious to read TB12 and see if it works or if it’s all hogwash and the Patriots win because Bill Belichick sacrifices goats in the locker room.

Part Two: 1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare a Thumb War

As noted above, my current buzzer speed is wanting, and buzzer speed is the make-or-break difference on Jeopardy! I fully plan on purchasing a buzzer system to practice with. More posts on that will follow as I experiment around on optimal buzzer positioning.

Friends with video game consoles: I supplicate myself before you to allow me to learn your twitch reflex ways.

Part Three: I Was Told There Would Be Math

Like the American Millennial trash that I am, I am completely dependent on my phone’s calculator to figure out an 18% tip or to split the bill with friends. On top of studying wagering strategy, I need to get better at fast mental math so that I can make sound bets on Daily Doubles under pressure.

I think I remember seeing Jeopardy! All-Star Alan Lin do abacus fingers during his Tournament of Champions run. Like Alan Lin, I was taken to abacus school by my Chinese mother when I was a young lass. Unlike Alan Lin, I learned nothing at abacus school because the owner’s two-year old son ran around the halls naked, leaving me with no choice but to forego learning how to add rapidly. (I also have no idea if Alan Lin was taken to abacus school by his Chinese mother as a young lad, but I’ll ask him next time we get late night pho together and report back to you).

Some of my trivia friendships are predicated entirely on getting late night pho in cities that are not Los Angeles.

In sum — ha, get it? — I plan on downloading a mental math app and molding my trash brain into something resembling a functioning calculator.

Part Four: Becoming Obnoxious at Parties

I was on a date back in January and this date was taking place at a bar trivia night and the host asked something like “Which actor won an Oscar in 1979 and 1988?” and before my date could even open his mouth to make a suggestion I said “Oh 1979 was Kramer vs Kramer and 1988 was Rain Man so that would be Dustin Hoffman” and my date looked at me dumbfounded and while it may not have been a very romantic setting I was deeply pleased by my recall performance that night.

(If you subscribe and follow this blog, you’ll get to hear more scintillating date stories like this one!)

Obviously a huge part of Jeopardy! is knowing things, and luckily for me, I’ve been methodically working my way through knowledge accumulation. More posts on this will follow.

So what’s a daily routine for a Jeopardy! training regimen going to look like?

Waking up, going on a run to help with that stamina.

Two hours of studying/buzzer practice in the morning.

Eating healthy foods throughout the day.

Two hours of studying/buzzer practice in the evening.

Working on mental math/wager study every day.

Wait Lynn, you’re going to train four hours a day, every day, for a year? Don’t you have like, I don’t know, work to do?

I do. Indeed, I have a writing career. And I run a business. Which is why this experiment is insane.

The biggest question you’re probably thinking is: well, what if you DON’T get called onto the show? Isn’t this a bit arrogant of you to assume you’ll make it on?

Look at it this way: if I do make it on, then I will be in the best shape possible to perform and achieve my goals. If I don’t get called on the show, then after a year, I will be in the best shape possible to perform and achieve my goals. Being healthier never killed nobody. And that first mojito back is going to taste so fucking good.

Updates will be posted weekly. You can subscribe to me on Medium and follow along on my Road to Jeopardy! If you have suggestions for training, feel free to drop me a line. Otherwise, wish me luck. I’m gonna need more than just my taco socks.