Gearing up early for a hearty season of spending at least one third of their annual income on holiday gifts, a local East Amherst family was stunned and saddened to find a complete lack of big box stores in the Elmwood Village.

“We drove all the way here, we took the thruway, and there is not even a Best Buy? What the fuck?” asked local husband and father of two Steve Mason. “I came here to buy a big screen TV and maybe even a small screen TV and all they have around here are reclaimed wood candle holders, antelope horn lamps, and hand made garbage. It’s like they don’t want my money,” he said.



The family, hoping to find at least one Macy’s or, for the love of god, at least a Target were sorely disappointed when they were forced to enter more than one locally owned store.



“These are fly by night operations, these local businesses,” Mason said. “And costumer service? How are they going to provide that without a dedicated hotline? Forget this.”



Informed that there is a Target a few miles away in North Buffalo, 49 year old Darlene Mason was taken aback.



“North Buffalo? You might as well send me to Compton.”





After entering several stores full of nothing but locally made art, the family were especially shocked when approached by another human on the sidewalk.



“Some guy named Space Dude or Sun Kid or something tried to sell me some of his wire and stone jewelry and I was like ‘hello, do you see this bracelet? It’s from Reeds,‘” said 19 year old Cinda Mason, adding that they actually have stores in this neighborhood that sell used clothing. Used.

The family, who owns two cars and has a labradoodle named Kimmy, finally found refuge in a Panera Bread restaurant.



“We heard there was a Starbucks around here, but we are not about to stick around to find it,” Darlene Mason added.



The day ended on a sour note when 14 year old Auden Mason broke down, screaming about not being able to play the newest Call of Duty game on “Day Zero,” now.



As the family packed back into their 2012 Honda Pilot, Steve Mason summed up his disappointing day thusly: "As far as I’m concerned, The Elmwood Village Association owes me $13.65 for gas.”