WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to celebrate people who used their talent and connections to get rich from death and anguish,” said Burr, who claimed what he did was no different than what many successful, patriotic Americans have been doing for hundreds of years. “Even Tucker Carlson is being a little bitch about this. What’s the big deal? Didn’t we all decide this was cool in the 2008 recession? Last time I checked, using sensitive information to enrich yourself at the expense of hundreds of millions of other people was totally fine. I talked to Kelly [Loeffler] and Ron [Johnson] about cashing out, and nobody even batted an eye. What’s the point of being a senator if you can’t profit off the world’s problems? I’m making money, not losing it, but I guess jealous people have decided that becoming rich and powerful from a national tragedy is suddenly evil. There’s something seriously wrong with this country.” At press time, Burr announced his intentions to resign after shamefully admitting he only pulled in a 22% return from his insider trading.

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