FORT WORTH, TX—Smiling softly as he closed the picture book he had been reading and looked down at his young grandson sound asleep, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush reportedly whispered into the toddler’s ear while tucking him into bed Wednesday night that no one would ever push him into running for president. “My sweet boy, I swear that nobody will ever pressure you to commission polls to test your national electability or keep trying to put you in touch with family members’ old campaign staffers—not ever,” said Bush in a hushed murmur, his eyes reportedly welling with tears as he pulled the covers up to the boy’s chin and vowed to protect him from those who would repeatedly tell him that a path to the presidency would be easy for an establishment candidate with considerable name recognition. “You can grow up to be anything you want to be—a doctor, a firefighter, you name it—and you’ll never, ever have to set foot in New Hampshire. Or you can just stay in state-level politics, if that’s what you know you want. I promise.” At press time, sources confirmed Bush could be seen looking back at his grandson from the bedroom doorway, a single tear visibly streaking down his cheek before he stepped into the hallway to take a call from a high-level donor.

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