Convention vs. Convention: The Verdict

By Michael Baker

Well that’s that. The last platitudes of the 2012 political conventions have been spoken, and all that’s left is the sound of a janitor sweeping up red, white, and blue confetti. So who won? Who held a better convention, the Dem’s or the ‘Pub’s?

Both conventions had a lot going for and against them. Both spent plenty of time bashing their opponents, and both were careful not to mention certain sensitive issues. And as expected, both told us a lot of lies. Beautiful, beautiful lies. And neither party had the balls to tackle the issue of gun control, but that’s to be expected at this point. In my opinion there is a clear winner in the battle of the conventioneers.

The Republicans came at us with a whirlwind of “No-bama!” that was enough to leave even the most devout liberal wondering what direction this socialist sumnabitch has us headed in. Romney & Co. told a cold narrative of a President who’s out of touch with economic theory and American values. The Republicans got all of the mileage they possibly could out of “You didn’t build that.” And they really seem to want me to think that Joe Biden is some kind of lunatic or something (don’t tell anyone, but Joe Biden is probably smarter than me). Also, they had Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair.

But the Democrats did them one better. The ‘crats hit on every point you’d expect them to, from “Bin Laden’s dead,” to “you might get sick or something,” to “real Americans don’t got no off shore accounts.” The real kicker, though, was that the Democrats offered a [sort of] clear vision for the future. Even if they only gave us a slightly pumped-up version of Obama’s existing platform, at least it was optimistic. Whether you agree with them or not (and if the polls are correct, most of us don’t), at least the DNC laid out a positive set of ideals. And I must admit that I respect the fact that the Democrats are finally coming right out and supporting gay marriage as part of their platform. Also, they had Scarlett Johansson.

So if you ask me, the Democrats win the battle of the bullshit. Not because they bullshitted us more (as far as I’m aware, Paul Ryan’s speech contained more blatant falsehoods than any other that we heard in past two weeks), but because they provided a message that went beyond “the other guy sucks,” even if that message was just as full of fluff as anything else in politics. When all is said and done, the Republicans’ only real message was that Obama doesn’t get me. I already knew that, and I’m fairly certain that Romney doesn’t, either.

And let’s not forget that speech by Slick Willie – players gonna play.