SOUTH CAROLINA - A stunning new poll by William K. Wolfrum & Associates shows that nearly 80 percent of all Americans would stop breathing right now if a major corporation gave that order.

The poll - which was based on looking into how Americans will gladly vote against their own self interests - made several other discoveries, including:

78 percent of Americans would rather die a terrible death that leaves their families bankrupt than have the elite pay higher taxes for government health care. 67 percent of Americans would saw off their left foot to have a Wal-Mart built next door to them; 62 percent of Americans would shoot themselves in the head if it meant the richest Americans would receive a tax break, and; 59 percent of Americans would rather see tax money given to banks, or used to kill Middle Easterners than have the same money used on health care in the U.S.

Noted sociologist Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss., said that the poll is in line with how many Americans feel.

"In the U.S., it's all about striving to be rich," said Johnson. "And if you fail, you're out. So better let the successful amongst us thrive than worry about the vast majority of Americans, who are abject failures at getting rich."

Republicans were quick to jump on the poll numbers.

"Americans are selfless people. So selfless, they'll always vote against their own interests," said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. "At the GOP, we're aware of that and confident it will again lead us to power. The people have spoken, and they've told us they don't want to be heard anymore. We can do that."

More than 1,000 people took the poll, though many refused to accept the free pencils given out to fill out the poll, claiming it was a "socialist act" and that they should be "punished for not having their own pencils."

--WKW