2 The Guy Who Argues That This MMA Crap Is Just a "Sport"

In 1993, in about the first second of Ultimate Fighting Championship 1, I had the same thought I had during my first fistfight -- "Hold on a second, this martial arts stuff doesn't work at all like it's supposed to!" In one night of grappling, gi chokes and literally no backflip spin kicks, it became sadly clear that martial artists were sort of playing make-believe this whole time. Thousands and thousands of ninjitsu instructors suddenly had a very silly job and I realized that the elaborate karate dance I practiced to fend off a dozen attackers was only going to be useful for seducing girls.

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For a long time, martial artists held out hope that word of this MMA stuff would reach a Shaolin monastery or a reclusive tai chi master and they would enter the cage and transform into a tiger. It never happened. These stupid real people fighting stupid real fights effectively killed the mystique of martial arts overnight. The UFC showed everyone that all the crap we were learning was the exact opposite of how to win a fight, and nothing bothers an insecure man like knowing that another guy can kick his ass. I don't know how it is for women, but it seems like the same feeling they get when they walk into a club and see a woman more naked than them.

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So with the existence of the UFC, martial artists and douchebags suddenly had a lot of rationalizing to do. After all, how can they think of themselves as fighters if that is fighting and they don't know how to do that? Simple: The sports organization has all these rules like no biting or groin attacks, so none of those UFC apes would know what to do in a real fight! It's a desperate attempt to keep combat as this magical phenomenon that only you, the toughest guy ever, can understand. Still, is anyone honestly insane enough to like their chances against an athlete trained in punching, kicking and grappling armed only with their idea to bite him on the dick?