Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

Reluctantly told Congress that God loves them



Offered to send two battalions of angels to aid in the fight against ISIS



Overcame stage fright of delivering potentially controversial remarks by imagining every congressman in audience crucified



Unexpected detour into systemic issues in nation’s fish and wildlife management



After each standing ovation held hand to ear and yelled, “I can’t hear you, D.C.!” to even louder applause



Not even one goddamn soundbite to use in Planned Parenthood debate



Some stuff about Moses that was kind of hard to follow



In moment of candor, admitted how difficult it is to feel sympathy for those who are homeless



Cautioned about growing pothole on Constitution Avenue



Bunch of shit about hope and healing



Five minutes spent ripping apart Sen. Orrin Hatch’s voting record



Concluded remarks to sound of members on both sides of aisle openly weeping, hugging each other, and apologizing for wrongdoings

