I Watched the Video of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Dancing In College, and Now I Understand the Necessity of Free-Market Economics

I don’t even know what to say right now, to be honest. Please give me a moment to compose myself, as my entire worldview has been shattered. That video — I mean, wow. To think I hitched my horse to that wagon for so long, when this was there all this time. She’s dancing. Happily! On a roof! With a friend! I don’t… I just… good god. The only thing I now know for sure is how necessary a free-market economy is to global capitalist integrity.

Thank you. You have ripped the wool from my millennial eyes. Like you, I watched the meteoric rise of this young New York woman, stunned by her sudden appearance and success. Unlike you, however, I was taken in by her suggestions on political accountability, increasing the social safety net, and at least mitigating some of the most disastrous effects of climate change for my children’s sake.

But I was such the fool, and I know this now. Duped by the sinister lure of a few socialist additions to an established capitalist system. It is a mark on my conscience I will carry to my grave. That grave may arrive earlier than I would like given how the world looks right now, but as I learned from watching her flawlessly recreate that cute dance from The Breakfast Club, I understand there’s nothing to be done because the market must remain unfettered by governmental interference. To do otherwise would be to go against the entire system that got us here and make me a monster like… that woman who seems pretty nice and enthusiastic and relatively relatable.

But no! I must draw strength from your harsh truth, and resist the allure of compassion! A literalist interpretation of The Wealth of Nations is, and always will be, the only way to distribute capital among the people. Ocasio-Cortez fooled me along with all the other Democratic Socialist sheeple into believing things weren’t quite right around us, that the fundamental structuring of our economic classes is designed to induce strife and suffering for the benefit of the few residing in our upper echelons. You uncovering her decade-old evidence of silliness snapped me out of my communist stupor. If she’s having fun on a building constructed using capitalist transference of resources, then, I mean, who is she to talk about the evils and abuses of greed? Who are any of us to say, for that matter? The fundamental structuring of our economic classes is designed to induce strife and suffering for the benefit of the few residing in our upper echelons… and thank God for that! I can’t afford a root canal on my impacted tooth, but I could still shimmy through the pain on top of a dorm building if I wanted to.

“If I wanted to” — that’s the beauty of our system! Choices! And here I was thinking it should be any different.