IN A SHOCKING MOVE by the commander-in-chief, President Trump signed two executive orders on Monday. The first abolished Immigration Customs Enforcement (ICE); the second established another branch of the United States Security Forces: Trump Troops.

Leading up to the signing of these executive orders, Trump went on record numerous times not only supporting ICE, but also asking Congress for additional funding.

In a press conference, the President called himself “…very wise and humble,” noting that he was abolishing ICE because he didn’t “...support losers in an era of winning. ICE has lost the fight for the border - Trump Troops are here to win it back.”

Trump made it clear that his decision was largely based on the Democrats trying to make immigration a campaign issue. “We’re not going to play by their rules. All democrats say is that they want to abolish ICE, but now that’s already done - by me. What will Nancy Pelosi and low-IQ Maxine Waters cling to now to get votes?”

[Trump] abolished ICE because he didn’t “...support losers in an era of winning."

Democrats have been scrambling to find a message that resonates with the poor demographic, but have only been able to cling to the ‘Abolish ICE’ rhetoric. One source familiar with the matter says the democrats are thinking about using education funding as a midterm election issue, but are all too aware of how much that has failed in the past. One low-IQ individual stated, “It’s almost like parents don’t care about their kids anymore. Impeach 45!”

President Trump took to the podium and said, “The main problem was that their [ICE agents’] hands were tied behind their backs with the lack of power and authority they had. Trump Troops will have NO lack of power, and will never display such weakness at the border the way ICE had.” Trump Troops are expected to have unfettered access to the latest weaponry the Air Force has finished testing overseas. The president said he is ready to authorize B-52 bombers and attack helicopters to be stationed at the southern border as a symbol of power. “When they go low, we go high,” continued Trump. “Peace through strength people, peace through strength.”

Trump Troops are expected to have unfettered access to the latest weaponry the Air Force has finished testing overseas.

Trump Troops will also be granted authority to operate on both sides of the southern border, allowing officials to preemptively deport illegals deeper into Mexico before they even have a chance to cross into the United States. Trump explained, “The previous administration’s policy of catching illegal immigrants and then releasing them back into society was ineffective by design. Now we will be catching these illegals in their home country, and sending them back to Mexico City, a 600 mile walk from the border.”

Trump’s next task is getting Congress to approve spending for the new task force. During a Press Briefing, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained, “We are looking for a budget of $500 billion for the first year, or just until the money runs out. But $500 billion is a good start; that will cover the cost of the uniforms and the border wall.”

When pressed about the funding, Trump stated, “The money will not be an issue. Once I sign off on Chuck and Nancy’s cute liberal initiatives, they’ll be rushing to a vote. I can already hear them begging. Sometimes it’s simply easier to spend $512 billion than it is to spend $500 billion. Not looking forward to the participation trophies Chuck & Nancy will be giving away at the polls this fall. Remember: you can always buy a Democrat.”