

My "career" (ie current job) centers around improving the experience of life for some of society's most vulnerable people. I work hard and carefully. I'm often in the company of very caring people. Through my work, I've developed patience and greater insight to our common human struggles. Additionally, I can't get through an episode of Chopped on Food Network without tearing up. For many people and animals, for art and music, my heart constantly breaks: for our triumphs and our losses, for our frailties and insecurities. I feel so much love and tenderness---AND YET. The degree to which I don't give a shit, sometimes, is a bit shameful and appalling to me. I'm OK living with duality, and I'm not aiming to be the perfect, most wonderful caring human, but I really would appreciate an enlightened perspective to bring me out of the cold shadows a bit.



Common advice here on the green might speak to establishing and enforcing one's boundaries, cutting toxic people from one's life, and recognizing other people's responses as their trip, their problem, not mine. I've benefited from this type of advice, and then maybe I've taken it a bit far? Or, despite the fact that I'm the common denominator in my life, maybe I'm surrounded by assholes??--I wouldn't like to think so.



I walk around with a dopey grin because (A) life is beautiful, (B) I'd rather radiate happiness than chronic resting bitchface, (C) who cares if people think I'm an idiot for my dopey grin? But good lord I have a dark sense of humor, can be really flip and insensitive, and can have such frigid indifference to people I find annoying.



Things that have helped me tone down some undesirable characteristics: (1) Not overthinking them all the time. (2) Experiencing nature, eg a morning walk through the woods. (3) Thich Nhat Hanh's writings, and some others'. (4) Volunteering and the aforementioned career. (5) Psychedelics--- Years ago. We're all connected! (6) Mantras. (7) Role models. (8) Exercise and proper self-care go a long way but there are still off days.



As an introverted person, sometimes I feel like I don't even have the energy to deal with people. So, I don't smile at the cute baby, but smile at inappropriate times, or I ignore people asking questions that are meant to be answered but are actually rhetorical. Ignoring people is mean. I want to be a better, kinder person, and I think I can inch my way there.



Sorry for the length. I want to paint a picture of my situation. I'm not a sociopath, but maybe I didn't experience being loved and accepted in my formative years. Maybe I root for the underdog, having always felt like one, but also expect people to be as tough as I feel I am? I'm sure a good number of you can relate. What do you read for inspiration of the kind I seek? (Please don't say Jesus.) Thanks!

Would love suggested reading on the subject of compassion or the oneness of humankind or... anything that comes to mind when you read on. Please inspire me!