How to deal with the ups and downs of life.

Remember how it felt to be cruising nicely along on say DK’s Jungle then all of a sudden, BOOOM! Owned by a red shell. You recover nicely then immediately… BOOM. Owned by a green shell. There were no words to describe the rage that filled your body only to be followed by immediate joy when you got a lightning bolt at the next question block. This is the way of life. A problem will arise and it may cause anger, or sadness, or disappointment and you just have to know that it won’t last forever; something good will happen in the future and change your perspective. It’s like everyone’s grandpa always said “It can’t rain shit forever.” Or “You wouldn’t appreciate the sun without a little rain.” Or “Don’t ever get married.” Most of those quotes apply here.

Always look for a shortcut.

Always, Always, ALWAYS look for a shortcut! It used to make my day to take the shortcut on Wario’s Stadium or Rainbow Road and finish 2 laps ahead of everyone else. It would really piss everybody off, but that’s just because they couldn’t cope with the fact that I actually took the time to figure out the shortcut. In the real world, time is money and if you can find a shortcut to save you time on something, you can double your productivity and your profit. The time saved in Mario Kart = WINS, the time you save in the real world = MONEY.

Do whatever it takes to get ahead.

It didn’t matter who was ahead of you, but there certainly was nothing you wouldn’t do to snatch that first place spot. I have played Mario Kart with my mom and I have also used banana peels to steal victory away from her inches away from the finish line. It’s a cutthroat world out there and you have to be willing to do things that others wouldn’t do to get ahead. Now I’m not saying go out there and lie, cheat and steal, I’m saying go out there and show people that you’re not afraid to take initiative to get what you want. The shortcut thing applies here to.

Treat women and men equally.

This one’s simple, there was nothing you wouldn’t do to Peach that you wouldn’t also do to Bowser. Now, I’m not saying you should beat the sh*t out of Peach because you would do it to Bowser in the real world. But I am saying that aside from physicality, women and men should all be treated the same because we are all equals.

The best defense is a good offense.

Remember getting a banana peel and holding ‘Z’ so that it would block any incoming objects? Remember doing that and then having multiple incoming objects? Not only did this waste your banana peel, but in the end, you still got hit. It’s possible that had you launched that banana peel you would have made your enemy slip before he could fire off 3 red shells to knock you out of first place. This concept applies to sports, business and women (the 3 most important things in life). If you’re always on the offense, you don’t need a defense. Stay ahead by continuing the pressure and always scoring, never even put yourself in a position where you could fall behind.

Never trust people who play with Toad.

These people are the scum of the earth. Toad is the smallest, fastest and most maneuverable character in the game and his voice is the absolute worst and they know all of this when they choose his stupid mushroom face. The people who play with Toad are the same people who will finger bang your girlfriend and then high-five you with the same hand 10 minutes later. They have this entitled aura about them and they’re always trying to get over on everyone. Take this knowledge with you into the real world WATCH OUT FOR PEOPLE WHO PLAY WITH TOAD.

Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who apparently thinks Mario Kart is a good way to psychoanalyze people. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.

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