If you’re like me, then you find yourself in police custody at least twice a month, and, also like me, you’re looking to move things along as fast as possible every time. I mean, those car stereos that you obviously didn’t steal aren’t gonna pawn themselves, right? So, how do I manage to go on an alleged crime spree and sill make it home in time for my probationary curfew, which I don’t have, cause I’m awesome? Follow these tips, my apprentice:

• Ditch the evidence- When you’re trying to deny stealing some jerk’s ear things get way harder when they find said ear tucked inside your pocket, or so I’m told. And while crime trophies are cool and all if the heat’s coming then you gotta dump that shit. You can always come back for a ahh… ‘runner up’ award later.

• Claim you were profiled- Simple really. If the cop is a different race than you, claim that’s why you were targeted. Or a different nationality, or a minority religion, or a different gender. Or hell, the same gender. Just say they homo-profiled you. Maybe it’s a word, maybe it’s not, point is it’s got lots of syllables and it’ll make you sound like you know what you’re talking about.

• Become a diplomat- And get you some of that sweet diplomatic immunity. Now I hear what you’re saying, ‘oh, but that sounds hard, and I’ll never qualify’. Bah! You’re over thinking this! All you gotta do is get a fake diplomat ID printed up and you’re golden. Then, whenever the law comes knockin’, just flash that baby and send them on their way. And if they give you trouble, give it right back. Tell ’em it’s a crime to check your ID’s authenticity. You think some barely-makes-enough-to-keep-a-roof-over-his-head city cop wants to take a chance messing with the Grand Diplomat of Imawesomistan? No.