Even when others complimented me, I learned to play down and even be the first to criticize my accomplishments. And I gradually started thinking that I didn’t have worth unless someone in authority said I did. It just wasn’t my place to question that.

I would often start and end my conversations with the word “sorry” — sorry for bothering you, sorry for the bad news, sorry this issue came up, sorry for asking questions.

As the youngest girl in the family, I felt that I didn’t have as much to offer as my elders, and that what I had to say wasn’t worth a whole lot. Blame and shame usually trickled down the hierarchy in my family, and usually landed at my feet. A broken vase? Spilled milk? Mistakes? All eyes were on me. So from early on, I started apologizing first, just to get it out of the way. I found that it often mitigated heated situations.

But that approach didn’t work as well when I entered the workplace, especially in my job at a high-tech company where I had to interact with many teams and senior managers. I remember skulking around corners on the way to my boss’s door and then knocking sheepishly:

“Very sorry to interrupt you. Can I ask a question about this project? Sorry.”

“Sure come in. No need to apologize.”

“O.K. Sorry.”

I heard similar reassurances from a product manager, who told me that I should stand up for myself and stop apologizing. And, finally, I heard this exclamation from an executive: “Stop saying ‘sorry’! You don’t need to unless you really did do something wrong, O.K.? The team and customers will think that you aren’t confident when you always apologize!”