Is Biz Markie’s You Got What I Need the best music video ever? I think it is. Allow me to give a point by point breakdown for your enjoyment/approval.

It starts off with a little skit. None of this beginning with the song BS, we want — DEMAND — a story if we are going to enjoy a music video.

The above mentioned skit begins with a “yo mama” joke. This is 1989 and “yo mama” jokes are the height of hilarity. Hell, this is 2008 and they are still pretty funny.

Purple jumpsuit.

Gold chains.

“Yo mama is so old she knew Central Park when it was just a plant.” Ahh, the “yo mama” jokes that don’t even make sense. Those were the days.

The two girls that are the object of the boys on the bench’s attention are not exactly wearing what we would call “good looking” clothes.

“You got what I need, man!” “Let me touch you!”

“Forget them girls, man!” Is Biz an advocate for abstinence?

“ Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date/but a year to make love she wanted you to wait” Biz channels Shakespeare. And not for the last time.

“ I was talkin’ to this girl from the U.S. nation .” Was the girl before this one from the commonwealth of Massachusetts? Why does Biz feel the need to get so specific?

“ I just got onstage drippin’, pourin’ with sweat.” Uh, gross. Grosser, perhaps, is the line for line translation of song into visuals, complete with dripping and pouring sweat.

“Come to the picture booth/So I can ask you some questions to see if your hundred proof.” Putting aside the strange place for a conversation, let’s look closer at the “100 proof” part. According to Wikipedia: Alcoholic proof is twice the percentage of alcohol by volume when measured at a temperature of 60°F. Consequently, 100-proof whiskey contains 50% alcohol by volume. So did Biz want to know how drunk she was (50 % alcohol would be pretty drunk) or did he just not understand the proof concept fully?

“ I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah.” That’s an unfortunate name.

“ She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra/I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused.” Thanks, Biz. I think we can see this quite clearly in the video, but the narration really brings it all into focus for us.

“ Then when I asked, ‘Do ya have a man?’ she tried to pretend/She said, ‘No I don’t, I only have a friend'” Oh Biz, will you ever find the right girl for you?

The chorus is what takes this seemingly mundane song into the straosphere. In additon to the fact that Biz is one of the worst singers I have ever heard, he decides to play dress-up and dons a wig and some 18th centry clothes (plus cape!) to rock out on the piano. The beat drops for Biz’s “showpiece” singing and then kicks right back in as he sloughs off his super-awesome cape to really sing his heart out. They employ the special “mirror trick” to make it seem like two (TWO!) Biz Markies are rocking the piano. TWO!

“So I took blah-blah’s word for it at this time

I thought just havin’ a friend couldn’t be no crime

‘Cause I have friends and that’s a fact

Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jacq” But it could be a crime, couldn’t it Biz? A crime against your heart!

“ Forget about that, let’s go into the story

About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me” Biz is not full of himself at all.



Nice bathing suits!

Aww, a puppy.

Check out those cell-phones. I wish I had something as awesome as that.

Talk about superflouous jewelry. I guess Blah-Blah-Blah’s new guy has more money than poor old Biz with his gigantic cell-phone.

And we’re back to the chorus. This time his awesome, super-cool-walking servant is featured. He walks super-cool. Also, more mirroring. TWO!

“ I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm/This guy made me fill out a visitor’s form” Biz will not sacrifice his artistic integrity just to get to the point! He must share every detail of his trip.

Biz “dances” his way towards the school along with some brightly atired friends. With twirly sticks.

“ Yo, could you tell me where is door three?” It’s the door that has the number 3 on it. Silly Biz.

“ They showed me where it was for the moment” Although now I understand why Biz asked where it was. Apparently it changes location several times a day.

“ Oh, snap!”

“ A fella tongue-kissin’ my girl in the mouth,/I was so in shock my heart went down south” Biz should have followed his heart. A vacation to Florida is just what he needs at this point.

“ So please listen to the message that I send/Don’t ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend” So this was a PSA all along! How informative. Remember kids, never ever talk to a girl who says she has a friend. They always cheat on you.