To assist the Abbott Government with its communication woes, Ben Pobjie has prepared this Semi-Official Glossary of Government Terminology, Jargon, and Democratic Phraseology.

There is no doubt that the current Australian Government is having some communication problems: it just doesn't seem to be able to get the populace to take its message on board.

This must be incredibly frustrating for Tony Abbott and his team, especially given that, in keeping with a tradition that goes back over 100 years, this is not at all the Government's fault.

The problem is, simply, that the voters refuse to educate themselves. The Australian people are wilfully neglecting their democratic duty to learn what the government is all about. If they only understood exactly what government ministers mean when they say things, it would clear everything up and the Coalition agenda would be proceeding a lot more smoothly.

Well, there is no excuse anymore, because I have taken it upon myself to provide a helpful guide to governmental messaging. Please find hereunder the Semi-Official Glossary of Government Terminology, Jargon, and Democratic Phraseology: a list of common terms used by Coalition MPs and their meanings in plain English. Here we go.

Cuts: not cuts.

Not cuts: cuts (see above).

Budget Emergency: Julia Gillard wants you dead.

Direct Action: "Oooh, global warming! I'm soooooo scared!"

Climate change: "Oh God, shut UP already! You are SO boring."

Coal: The provider, the sustainer of life, that which makes us whole and grants us our humanity, the essence of love and the elixir of happiness.

Minister for Education: A sort of high-pitched whining sound, like imagine someone who doesn't know how to play the clarinet but is trying to anyway? Like that.

Lower taxes: "My calculator needs a new battery."

"Nothing but bush": "Deep and abiding concern for the plight of Indigenous peoples to the point where sometimes I even talk to some of them."

Indigenous Australians: Australians who are from Australia, like Slim Dusty or Alf from Home and Away.

Illegal arrivals: People who try to come to Australia without going through the proper channels. Or people who try to come to Australia by going through the proper channels. Or just generally anyone who looks like they might drive property values down.

"On-water operations": "The sea is a strange and fickle mistress. Who can really tell what mysteries she holds? Some things man is not meant to know."

Australian values: They are far too numerous to list here, but wow, they are pretty great. There are some absolutely just fantastic values we have and we will be getting around to informing you of them in due course.

Media balance: When a paper has the guts to publish both Greg Sheridan AND Janet Albrechtsen vehemently disagreeing with each other over what the Prime Minister's best feature is.

Unions: "A pale horse, and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the world, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."

Red tape: A lethal substance oozing from the pores of Labor Party members. Kills money instantly on contact.

Open for Business: The opposite of being Closed for Business. Revolutionary concept whereby people are allowed to make money in defiance of political correctness and Greens.

Poverty: A rare disease, unique in that it is caused only by people wanting to have it.

Mandate: A kind of magic sword that only exists if you believe in it.

Women: Someone who looks like a normal person but is subtly and indefinably different. Further studies required before anything more can be known with certainty.

Schools: Support systems for Christian outreach workers.

Royal Commission: A dish best served cold.

These translations should make the Government's messaging a lot easier to understand, and thereby facilitate the getting-back-on-track of a once-proud nation.

Next week, a guide to laughing at Bill Shorten's jokes.

Ben Pobjie is a writer, comedian and poet with no journalistic qualifications whatsoever. View his full profile here.