CAMP PENDLETON — At a loss to stem the tide of liberty incidents within his company, 1st Sgt. Anthony Marquez tried an unorthodox approach at his latest liberty brief.

“Every time I talk to the company about what we expect from their conduct they go out and do the exact opposite,” he said. “If I tell them to stay away from drugs they’ll immediately go out and build a giant water bong out of a washing machine. Then they’ll smoke bath salts until they’re an ass hair from cannibalism.”

The idea for a new approach came to him after a rash of DUIs got him a call from the regimental Sgt. Maj. In between heated remarks about his shortcomings as a leader and his failure to maintain good order in discipline in the ranks, the Sgt. Maj. said something which caught Marquez’s attention.

“He asked what in the world we were telling our Marines,” said Marquez. “I was about to ask if he was insinuating we actually encouraged drinking and driving when it hit me, maybe that was the answer.” Marquez decided to extol the virtues of alcohol abuse and other questionable conduct his troops were already engaging in.

Standing in front of the company formation, Marquez tilted his cover way back on his head and jammed his hands firmly into his pockets to begin the liberty brief. He started by discussing subjects related to his Marines personally-owned vehicles.

“There’s no reason you should have to go through all those motorcycle classes and registration crap,” he said. “You’re grown men for heaven’s sake. Just park your bikes at the grocery store outside the back gate. And helmets? Those are for pussies. If you can fight and die for your country you can feel the wind in your hair.”

“The car dealerships right outside the front gate only have your best interest in mind. I’d go with any salesman who guaranteed he would finance E-1s and up. A normal rate of interest is 46% easy. Most of you will have just enough money left over every month to fill the tank with gas. That’s a win.”

He went on to address sexual assault.

“Listen Marines, the more drunk a woman is the more she prefers it bareback in the ass. I swear, just ask the chaplain. Besides, why would she be hanging around Marines if she didn’t want it so bad? Believe it or not, most women have a rape fantasy. If her boyfriend and fat ass BFF don’t like, you can slap them around too.”

Then to alcohol abuse:

“If they didn’t want you to get behind the wheel after a few drinks why would they let you park right in front of the bar? Beer comes in six and twelve packs for a reason. There’s a minimum standard here. Most of you need to build up your tolerance anyway.”

Marriage.

“Exotic dancers are professional, career-minded women. I can’t imagine a better spouse for young military men. Wherever you get stationed you know there’s going to be work nearby. It’s nice when your new spouse doesn’t have to put her career on hold. Besides, they’re so hot and as soon as you’re wed all that sweet honey will be for your eyes only.”

“Getting married is the way to go if you want to get the hell out of the barracks and get extra money to help pay off that car loan. No more field day bullshit and OODs knocking on your door Saturday morning looking for someone to stand barracks duty.”

Marines from the company were skeptical.

“I’m not sure, but I think 1st. Sgt. is trick-fucking us,” said one Lance Corporal. “I’m staying in the barracks this weekend and doing some on line training with Grand Theft Auto.”