Here’s the thing: if your guilt ascends from a plethora of societal norms that mandate coitus post nikkah, then my tidbit here would be to snap out of it.

Hi Ms K,

I come across your email address via Firstpost. I am in relationship with a girl for more than 5 years now. However we recently decided to get marry. In last 5 years, we had sex couple of time. However, as we decided to marry, she is asking sex every weekend. Is this good to have sex before marriage? Additionally, in past whenever we had sex, we felt good for a day but felt guilty other day. Please advice.

Thanks,

Madly Confused

Dear Madly Confused,

First off, congratulations! I haven’t even had this steady a relationship with my vibrator. It doesn’t help that under the guise of organizing my room, my mother finds them and throws them away. Seriously, this one time, I hid it in my bookshelf and she found it: “What if Pammi Aunty wanted to borrow a book? Am I to hand her THIS?” That day, much like many others, I fell prey to the “Haiii…society betaaa…moo kaala betaa” anthem. Needless to say, singledom roxx.

Getting back to your duvidha, I could pull a religious right and tell you that pre-marital sex is bad. You shouldn’t have sex. If you do it, you’re bad. So don’t be bad, Mmkay? But because Banana Republic is my favourite store, Imma give it to you straight up: the good news is that since you’ve already had sex, you can’t avoid the throes of hell.

The bad news is that the Indian education system has failed you. (But I’m not complaining. I have the system’s inadequacies to thank for making rent every month.)

Sex before marriage is a call that you and your partner need to take, together and for yourselves. Even the third eye of some Baba can’t dictate whether your Saturday mornings should be reserved for his TV show or blow jobs. If your guilt arises from religious indoctrination, then due apologies, but resisting the urge to blow your load on your fiancé, yourself, or into tissue paper won’t help you buy any brownie points from the lord above.

(On the other hand, paying your house-help a living wage and saying a regular “Hello!” to your watchman may help you fly coach to heaven.)

Here’s the thing: if your guilt ascends from a plethora of societal norms that mandate coitus post nikkah, then my tidbit here would be to snap out of it. Enjoy the fact that you’re in a pretty enviable position right now. If sexism has taught you anything (and I deduce that it’s taught everybody everything), it’s that after marriage, the wife is either always period-ing or “not in the mood”. Ergo, throw your guilt in the nearest sandaas available and enjoy these weekly delights. Soon you’ll be obligated to deliver a male heir and you’ll crave for a simpler time when sex was less about her ovulatory cycle and more about rubbing it in your friends’ faces.

However, if you’re simply not interested in being physically intimate, sit her down for an honest heart to heart. Nobody is obligated to want or have sex. Tell her that you’re unable to keep up with her rambunctious ways. Do ensure that she understands your reasons for feeling guilty, which would require you to first figure out why you’re feeling this way. Is it guilt or is it disinterest disguised as guilt? You could be asexual, which would explain why you feel no interest in having sex, but not your guilt. If the real guilty secret is homosexuality, then your girlfriend is the first person you should confess to; she deserves better. My sage advice? Figure your guilt out and confess away. I won’t be a happy camper if I receive a query from her asking, “Why doesn’t he want to bang? Will douching help?”

Love,

Ms K

Rukun Kaul recently turned 28. In her free time, she rummages through the marital leads her parents forward her(in case her ovaries run dry and all). Her twitter handle is @rukunk. If you've got questions for her, please send an email to dontcallmeaunty@gmail.com.