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No matter where I go if the subject of online dating comes up it never fails. Almost every woman will complain about how horrible it is. While there are a litany reasons given. The main reason is typically predictable. Apparently, men are only looking for one thing online. We all know what that one this is, don’t we?

Now usually in a vain attempt to be funny and charming, I would normally reply with a smartass answer. For example “free two-day shipping?” Or my personal favorite “Are they looking for something else offline? This, of course, goes over really well and works as intended. I am quite charming when I want to be. At least that’s what I tell myself anyway.

However when I am done being charming and a serious conversation ensues. I am left with one prevailing thought after so many of these conversations. Women think men have it easy when it comes to online dating. Well, that is a complete fallacy. Please allow me to introduce to how dating goes for men online.

Our first woman is incredibly gorgeous. We will call her Stacy. Stacy looks 25 even though she is 40 years old. Even her profile description is awesome. She loves sex and needs it daily! She prefers to hang with the guys instead of the girls. The last thing she wants to is to discuss is her feelings at the end of the day. She rather talk about last night’s game instead. Tired of meeting men that are all talk and no action, she’s even included her email in her profile because she is tired of being single and alone.It’s time to get serious about finding someone she explains. You can reach her at yourareafuckingdumbass@gmail.com That’s because Stacy’s real name is Gideon Okorie. He lives in Nigeria and the only thing he wants is your credit card number. Don’t worry if you don’t like blondes. The exact profile can be found in one of every six profiles. Jill and Lisa are natural redheads and Bonny and Tina have naturally brown hair. Gideon is a bit of a whore I must say. He gets around! Don’t worry if you don’t get a response right away. Gideon has 250 others suckers to get to before he gets to your email. Gideon finds patience and confidence sexy in a sucker.

Now after you called the bank to cancel the credit card and you received your new one in the mail. You have decided to try your luck again. This time you have decided to upgrade to the paid version to avoid these malicious scammers that took advantage of your overly inflated ego. This time you are going to be smart about things. You’re going to be cautious and let the women come to you.

After a couple of days, your phone tells you got a new message from Brenda waiting. She is good looking but looks her natural age. You like her already and don’t even bother looking at her profile because you already like the way she looks. So what’s the point of doing that you think to yourself?

So with much anticipation, you open up the message. Only find that it’s in all caps and it says that she knows you and you’re a scumbag for cheating on your wife. Which is perplexing because you did not know you were even married. Hopefully, you think this a case of mistaken identity and just look like some married guy she knows. So you try to tell her this over several messages and your reward for doing so is more insults and grief from her. In the end, you have yo block Brenda because she is a complete whack job! It’s either that or it’s really Gideon pissed you canceled the credit card already.

After several days of being frustrated, you decide to get back in the game and try again. You end up talking with Marcy. Things go well at first. The conversation flows naturally you’re and enjoying talking to her. You allow yourself get excited about the possibilities. You seem to click. So much so you exchange numbers and move on to texting. Next thing you know 3 hours have passed by and the conversation is still going strong. Then she mentions that she has to spend tomorrow making a kitty litter cake for a retiring colleague at work. Then you make the disastrous mistake of telling her you don’t like cake. Which makes you apparently, a fucking loser and gets your number blocked. As maddening as this was at the time. Looking back it was probably for the best. One shudders to think what would have happened if should found out I like Pepsi over Coke.

Not be deterred by this last disappointment you press on. Finally, you meet Tracy. Almost instantly you’re talking and texting on the phone for a couple of weeks. You both are acting like a couple of high schools kids who are just happy they found each other. Tracy has everything you want in a woman. She is smart as hell, successful and is quite beautiful. She has been single for over half a year from a 12-month bad relationship. In fact, it’s the worst relationship she has ever had. You listen to a litany of transgressions of what was wrong. He was lousy in bed. He smoked and she hates smokers. He was always miserable. Her kids loathed him. This list just goes on and on. It got so bad she even had to get restraining order him. You think you’re getting lucky finally. You can do better than this guy on your worse day and still look like prince charming.

The only thing you don’t like about this woman is that she lives 50 minutes away from you. Not ideal but you would drive as many hours as it took for the right woman. So on the way to meet her for your first official date the drive is the last thing on your mind. Until 45 minutes into the drive you get a text from her that says “Sorry I guess I am getting back together with the ex” Like it’s something she has no say in.

After all, she has told you about him you think this might be a joke. So you ask if she is being serious? Which she explains how he showed up and cried and begged her to him back. Plus how sincere he was. Like you really fucking care if he was sincere or not. So in the moment, you do the only smart thing you have done in the last month. Delete her phone number and the dating site.

Because after just a month of online dating. You had your credit card compromised, been called scumbag and a loser. Not to mention ignoring all red flags and your basic instincts just because you wanted something to happen so badly you purposely ignored them. You will have to excuse me ladies if I don’t feel bad for you if the worst thing you have to put up with is few perverts and couple of dick pics. Consider yourself lucky!

I do have a shiny new credit card, however. There is that a least.

(The entire post is satire just case anybody wants to take it seriously)

Keith Ashwood