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In a shocking revelation, Hamza Ali Abbasi in an exclusive interview with Denialistan Times said that “there are no minorities in Pakistan”. He clarified that people claiming to be Shias, Christians, Ahmadis or Hindus are in fact Muslim like everyone else living in the country and are only using a different religious identity to disguise and play the victim card to get attention. In a lighter mood, he said that he once made good use of his Shia-sounding name and easily disguised as a covert-Shia to get two packets of naan-haleem at a Shia majlis where they were giving only one to everyone. He said this clearly shows why people are disguising as Shias, “who wouldn’t want double naam Haleem for free”, he added.

When the reporter argued and asked him if Shias or Ahmadis should leave Pakistan, he said only a moron would want to leave Pakistan because no one calls them a “Paki ba**ard” here. He said there is endless supply of Halal Chicken Karahi across the country, four seasons giving you round-the-clock sunbathing opportunity and exciting entertainment in form of WAAR being played every Friday on ARY TV. He said this shows Ahmadis and Shias have ample opportunities to quality life in Pakistan and they do not need to get on a boat to Australia or use fictitious identity for themselves. “Do they want to go somewhere they have to pay $10 to park their car, buy a Windows CD for $100 or wash their own dishes like a 17th century peasant?” he asked. He further emphasised they must use their real identity of Muslim Pakistani and continue enjoying endless benefits of being a Pakistani.

The actor who was listed in the Hot & Dumb list by TV-dependent Pakistani middle class women said Pakistani Christians specially have it too-good here. “I am yet to meet a single gutter-cleaner who is not a Christian”, he said before adding “they have completely taken over the industry and taking up all jobs”. While Americans have victimised Muslim women like Aafia Siddiqui, we treat Christians so well here that our Pakistani young boys have on several occasions went to Christian colonies uninvited and arranged a bon-fire party on volunteer basis providing free entertainment. Quoting Lahore’s Joseph Colony incident he said it was so much fun that Christians handed out their fridges, TVs, cycles etc and men could be seen rejoicing, their hands in air with scenes of bonfire in the background. While Muslims in Burma are being victimised by the state, Pakistani state gives special treatment to Ahmadis – so much so that every single Pakistani before getting a passport is introduced to Ahmadis using the passport forms to see if they want to convert. “We are in fact encouraging Ahmadi conversion”, he said proudly.

The WAAR famed actor further stated that because of these fake minorities using fancy terms for themselves, image of Pakistan is being distorted around the world otherwise the country can list itself as the only 100% Halal Muslim nation. He said Pakistan has been rated as the #1 country to live for minorities by a prestigious organisation named The Onion and the safest country in the world by Government of Pakistan. The actor suggested Major Mujtaba of WAAR should be promoted to the rank of a General, should take over Pakistan and ban use of all identities except that of Pakistani. If you’re born in Pakistan you must call yourself Pakistani or leave, he said. He even suggested a law should be passed mandating all children born in Pakistan to have the last name Pakistani. Reportedly, he has already changed his Facebook name to Hamza Ali Pakistani.

When our investigative reporter asked his opinion on the 25,000 Shias killed in Pakistan and countless number of Ahmadis, Hindus and Christians being attacked; he threw his hand in the air dismissively and said people die all over the place, everywhere in the world. He said the people who were offloaded buses and killed en route to Gilgit were not killed because they were Shia but they were Indian agents who even had tattoos on their backs. He showed pictorial evidence claiming these long bearded men with Kalashnikovs in their hands, checking backs of the men offloaded buses were in fact checking for satanic tattoos not marks of self-flagellation. He also claimed those 1,000 doctors target killed were not killed for being Shias but because their patients were not happy with their services and killed them in revenge.

On being asked for possible solutions to counter terrorism in Pakistan, he smashed the glass full of Diet Coke he was holding onto the wall saying “Da F**k, what terrorism?” He added Pakistan is home to some 200 million people and some 25,000 Shias being killed is just 0.1% which should be negligible, but this mafia of sectarians and filthy seculars are blowing it out of proportion. He said 100,000 people were killed as result of Kashmir earthquake why none protested against that?

When our reporter suggested that Pakistan’s founder Jinnah was a Shia and its first foreign minister Zafarullah Khan was an Ahmadi; Abbasi claimed Pakistan was not founded by Jinnah but Muhammad Bin Qasim in the 8th century and he was the first Pakistani to live on this planet. He completely rejected the idea of religious minorities being attacked in Pakistan and said even if they are, the terrorists are hell bound and we need not worry. He further added, “minorities are being killed, majority is being killed, everyone is being killed, it’s like raining bullets and anyone can die so get over it”.

On being inquired what’s an ideal country is like, he went off topic saying…. “a country of Pakistanis, by Pakistanis, for Pakistanis where Pyare Afzal is played every day on PTV at 8 PM and has endless episodes… and country is ruled by a military general in sunglasses”.

NOTE: This piece is a work of satire.