Robert and I insist it happened just like he said: famous bloke is in a bar, minding his own business, gets his drink spiked because he's famous, and next thing he knows he's been kidnapped, and dumped in the boot of a car, and driven kilometres away, before being hurled on the pavement, all so they could simply take the dollars and credit card from his wallet! Robert Allenby posted an image of his battered face on Twitter in January. Credit:Twitter account @aussieallenby Happens all the time! ALL THE TIME! And it is very serious and must be stopped, and that is why the FBI immediately started investigating it and ... And OK, the FBI maybe didn't actually "investigate" in the strictly technical sense of the word, because they denied it straight away. We got that part mixed up and ... And OK, maybe there was a homeless woman who said Rob was actually just found around the corner from the bar. But she is homeless and of little credibility and maybe just was paid to say that ...

And wait, the more Robert and I think about it, the more we realise that she is the HERO of the piece, because she single-handedly staved off the BADDIES, wouldn't leave his side and stared those bastards down. She saved his life, she did! And that is why Robert dug so deep from his $30 million winnings to give her $1000 and ... Homeless man Toa Kaili shows how he found golfer Robert Allenby passed out on the pavement. Credit:KHON2 And what, now more witnesses have come forward to say there was never any attack whatsoever, but in fact Robert Allenby was just so pissed he face-planted? Happens to the best of us and ... And now more witnesses have come forward confirming what the first witnesses said? Illustration: John Shakespeare

Well get nicked! Don't you know who he is? Famous! What actually happened? Don't know and don't care. I have filed it under "M" for "Malcolm Fraser's pants in Memphis stories." Kyrgios is something special Before Nick Kyrgios knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbledon in July, the last time a player outside the top 100 beat the No.1 tennis player in the world was when Russian player Andrei Olhovskiy, ranked No.193, defeated Jim Courier at Wimbledon in 1992, before just as quickly disappearing. So Olhovskiy is maybe not the role model that Kyrgios should pursue and, in fact, the bloke he should model himself on is Nadal himself. There is no harder trainer in the game, and no greater gentleman. The way he congratulated the teenager after the match, despite being gutted himself, the way he waited for him, so they could leave the court together, the warm words he spoke in the press conference. Nadal is class on a stick.

As to Kyrgios' sass this week, waxing insolent to an interviewer after his second-round win, it was deeply unfortunate and no mistake. But look to his parents, who are salt-of-the-earth people. Hopefully his father invited him for a metaphorical visit behind the woodshed, and there will be no more of it. Three balls, please TFF's special correspondent at the tennis in Melbourne makes an interesting point: he's loving the play, but notes a growing and extremely annoying common occurrence. "All the top players and probably 90 per cent of all players take three balls before they serve," he said. "They look at them like they are different – give me a break – they are all just out of the can! What annoys me most, the ball boys and girls every point end up scrambling to collect the rejected ball. International tennis should just simply ban the practise in respect of the ballboys and girls!" I checked, and he's right. Serve with the first two balls that come your way, and stop the nonsense. As to Channel Seven's coverage, it's fine, but what's weird is they only put the Australian flag up against Australian players, with no flag up against their opponents.

I'm still dark about the All Blacks TFF did a piece for the SMH on New Year's Day on Regrets, I've had a few ... This was No.3. So there I was, fellas. On the reserve bench for the third Test of the World XV v All Blacks centenary series, on April 22, 1992, at Eden Park. I was fiercely concentrating, sending out killer injury rays to the dodgy left knee of Australian No.8, Troy Coker, so he would come off and I could go on. But I missed, and got Willie Ofahengaue's right ankle instead! Bugger. Still, I was on, with seven minutes to go! A converted try could still have won us the Test and the series. I got the ball from the maul and went the blind, 40 metres out, to be confronted by a wall of solid black. And what was that line from Wallaby coach Bob Dwyer? "Don't die wondering," he always said. "Have a go! BACK yourself!"

So why don't I chip and chase, a la Steve Mortimer? The thought actually popped into my head. I'd always wanted to try that in a match, and never had, and in the twilight of my career, here was my chance. Of course, I didn't. I took the safe option, ran straight into the black brick wall, and laid the ball back for our blokes, who gave it to the backs, who lost it. The All Blacks scored shortly afterwards and the game was over. Still shits me. Music to my eyes Nothing to do with sport, but too good to leave out. TFF has been swanning around in northern climes over the break, and the following has just been run in The Times of London, as one of their letters of the year. Sir, following your "correction and clarification" (Oct 1), that "the female of the red deer is a hind, not a doe", could I please ask for assurance that a ray remains a drop of golden sun, and that "me" is still an acceptable name to call myself?

The Ven Gavin Collins Archdeacon FIFA has seen the enemy, and it is us Don't. Even.

Speak. Just let the waves of deliciousness roll over you, the bubbles of hilarity rise until you can guffaw with gusto, as you contemplate, firstly, the news that FIFA has presided over – wait for it – an ethics investigation into the bid process for the 2022 World Cup. "Hang on, Sepp, I think I found an ethic over here, behind the cupboard! Oh, no, wait, it was just someone's old sandwich. Perhaps down behind the couch? Keep looking! There must be some kind of ethic here somewhere!" And the result of the ethics investigation is simply priceless. Qatar, who won the bid to hold the Cup at the height of summer in the back of beyond, in a place without remotely the infrastructure to hold such an event, has been given a clean bill of health! Pure as the driven snow! Ridgy didge didge! No problem with either them or the FIFA members who voted for it, like France's Michel Platini. It was a level playing field and purely on the merits, I tell you. A majority of members said: "You know what? Let's think outside the square. As a matter of fact, let's go so far beyond common sense that it will simply take people's breath away. Let's smash logic like Qatars and ... give it to Qatar."

Australia, though, who put up $46 million of taxpayers' money, and garnered one vote? Look, FIFA really doesn't want to be pointing fingers here, but it has grave misgivings. They have seen the enemy, and it is us. Our bid team, it seems, had put money "towards initiatives in countries with ties to FIFA executive committee members with the intention to advance its bid to host." Stop the freaking presses! Who would have thunk it? They went on to find "potentially problematic facts and circumstances" in Australia's bid. How can we live with the shame?

Well, who better to ask than our own Eddie Obeid, surely an expert? Alas, when I tried to make contact with Mr Obeid, it seems – and I am not making this up – he and his family must have been too busy composing a letter to the NSW Police, complaining – I am not making this up, I told you! – about the "lack of integrity" displayed by ICAC. Eddie and Sepp should talk. I think they would get along famously. The rest of us are going to have to suck it up, and realise that FIFA is on to us. We've been found out. We must hope that they will stop us, before we kill again.

What they said Senator Glenn Lazarus brings a bit of football speak to the national discourse on politics, in this case discussing the government's legislative program for 2015, which it hopes to guide through the Senate. "You can polish a turd for as long as you want, it's always going to be a turd." TV commentator Ian Cohen to seventh seed Eugenie Bouchard after she claimed a thumping victory in round two of the Australian Open: "Can you give us a twirl and tell us about your outfit?" There was, rightly, hell to pay. British cyclist Mark Cavendish in response to a question from a journalist asking if he could be 100 per cent sure that all cyclists are now clean: "Can you tell me 100 per cent that one of these journalists isn't f--king your wife?" I'll take that as a comment. Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson on the bad start to the game against the Packers: "That's God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so rewarding, so special ..." God! All the way from sports creator to sports fan to sports impresario. I reckon he's going to make a packet.

Argentinian goalkeeper Sergio Romero, who blocked two Dutch penalties to take his country into the World Cup final:"Thanks to God it turned out well." Really? God's on Argentina's side? Why didn't he make an Argentinian Pope then? Oh, wait. Model Rocio Marengo says she's "not worried" about the threat of legal action after linking herself to Lionel Messi. "His wife better not sue me. If she does, it'll go sour ... The more you show off, the more stories you get about you, the more parties you go to, the more footballers call you. That's just the way life is." Australian cricket coach Darren Lehmann on the loss to Zimbabwe in late August: "There's probably not enough expletives in the English language at the moment for the way I'm feeling. It's just embarrassing for everyone involved in the touring party, and I hope they're hurting. They should be." Rodney Hogg recalls how it was, way back when: "At least when Zimbabwe beat us in '83 we were drinking cans the night before. And lots of them." New Sydney FC manager Graham Arnold in September: "I want to be at this club for 10 years, and I mean that."Hope so. But, big call when the club has had seven managers in the past 10 years. NEXT! (Still, a few months later, Arnold is still there, and I think going strong-ish).

The opening paragraph from the SMH's Adrian Proszenko on the Manly-Canterbury match in September: "There was plenty of feeling in this one. You could feel the niggle, the sledge, the hate. And that was just between Manly's senior playing group in the warm up." I wish I had said that, Oscar. I'll smoke what FIFA president Sepp Blatter is smoking: "Since the reforms, we have had an exemplary organisation in ethics ... we have two chambers ... with independent chairmen. We are the only sports organisation which has this independent body for ethics ..." Former England captain Andrew Strauss gives this succinct summation of Kevin Pietersen, when not realising the commentary microphone was live: "An absolute c---". I think he sounds sincere? Ian Thorpe to Sir Michael Parkinson. "I'm not straight ... I've wanted to [come out] for some time, but I couldn't, I didn't feel as though I could. The problem was, I was asked at such a young age about my sexuality." Thorpe on why he lied about it in his autobiography, This is Me: "What happened was, I felt that the lie had become so big that I didn't want people to question my integrity and a little bit of ego comes into this. I didn't want people to think that I had lied about everything."

Team of the year Socceroos. Beat China in the Asian Cup, which, I think, is a very big deal indeed. Lleyton Hewitt. Talked the talk, walked the walk, fought the fight and strutted his stuff on tennis courts all over the world. It looks like the twilight of his career may have turned to dusk, but we'll see. Maybe one more for the road to make it 20 Australian Open appearances! Roger Federer. It's now nine slams since his last win, and he's 33. Still, watch this space. North Queensland Cowboys. Another year, another controversial finals exit – their third in a row – after controversial refereeing decisions.