ALBANY, NY—Covering their ears as the thunderous sound violently shook buildings and shattered glass windows, New York residents reportedly cowered in shock and fear Tuesday night as Hillary Clinton’s primary election victory speech reverberated across the entire state. “Thank you all so much—today, you proved once again there’s no place like home,” said the Democratic presidential candidate, as her deafening address, which seemed to come from all sides at once, boomed across the landscape, setting off car alarms and forcing drivers to pull over to the side of the road in all 62 New York counties. “The race for the nomination is in the home stretch, and victory is in sight. You have carried us every step of the way with passion and determination. I am grateful to every one of you.” At press time, sources in the upcoming primary states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Rhode Island, and Pennsylvania reported witnessing ripples in their water glasses as the opening line of Clinton’s stump speech swelled in the distance.

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