What I Currently Believe

Hi. My name is Maria. I’m in my late twenties. I grew up on the East and West coast of the US. I went to college, which my parents paid for. I speak English and Spanish. I am a white Austrian/Irish female with Jewish family lines. I tell jokes. I’m sarcastic. I’m freckled, I’m excitable and this is what I currently believe:

I believe all people should have equal human rights to live and exist as the person they are unless they are causing direct harm to others ie. violence, sexual abuse of a child etc.

I believe you should be able to hang out, love, fuck and marry or not marry whatever shade of gender(s) fires up your genitals.

I believe that people should practice or not practice whatever crazy ass religion that works for them, because all religions are crazy to someone.

I believe evolution is real. Because I know how to read books and I have had a decent education and I don’t think, if there’s a God, that God would have a problem with science, seeing as how he’d then be the inventor of it.

I believe in feminism. Even though “being a feminist isn’t fun” (Cite: Emily Heller), it’s important because sexism is a big fucking problem. Deniers are sympathizers.

I believe light skinned Caucasian people generally look terrible in yellow and shouldn’t wear it unless it’s incredibly important, like if you need to be a slutty bumblebee for Halloween.

I believe everyone should pay their shitty taxes and we should put our money in roads and schools. I get it, taxes aren’t fun. Too bad. Especially corporations. They should pay lots and lots of taxes. The more you make, the more you pay. Period. Quit whining.

I believe children should all get a truly good, decent education and currently are not. It’s uneven and privatization of banks and schools are equally bad for the whole. One school shouldn’t have computers and have amazing teachers while another doesn’t even have air conditioning in the fucking heat. Come on.

I believe college should be affordable (you know, like in Europe) for anybody that wants to go.

I believe teenagers are the worst and I apologize for when I was one.

I believe fat people shouldn’t be ostracized for their personal lifestyle decisions regardless of the fact that it’s not good for them medically in the long run. Neither is laying in the sun or listening to country music. Whatever.

I believe in recycling and giving a shit about the Earth and global warming and I think I have a personal responsibility to care and but then also occasionally look the other way when I see my mother throw out a wine bottle in the garbage can when I visit home. Good god, woman.

I believe drugs and prostitution usually have at least some negative impacts on the populations that participate in them but wholeheartedly also believe they should be legalized so victims of the crimes related to the industries can turn to the police and government agencies for assistance.

I believe abortion being legal is absolutely necessary and important even though I don’t plan to ever have one because who fucking plans for that? (Save your stories about the one woman in your town who uses it as a form of birth control. Insanity is not a relevant example.)

I believe everyone should wear their Halloween costume to work the day of and that kids should stop trick or treating as soon as they hit the age that makes them ineligible for Little League.

I believe we all own too much shit but I also love buying clothes on sale.

I believe the death penalty is wrong and we shouldn’t get to decide when to end criminals’ lives just because they are the current legal system’s definitions of “criminals”.

I believe men and women are different. So what? So are trees and telephone poles? There’s both necessary and currently on my block.

I believe that if it weren’t for coffee, I’d be dead today.

I believe I don’t know enough about most issues.

I believe my opinions about parenting are garbage because I’ve never had kids and therefore don’t know anything. But I do believe parents who put their kids in pageants or yell at them when they perform poorly at sports are vile assholes.

I believe absolutely everyone deserves healthcare and that cancer should not be something that sends people into debt and bankruptcy.

I believe euthanasia is a great option for dying people who are suffering and decision they should be able to make with their families.

I believe meat and slaughtering are awfully executed at this point but I also love the shit out of bacon.

I believe immigration isn’t just mosquitoes getting in through some hole in a screen. They’re real people and if you’re not an immigrant, you’re the descendant of one. We can’t just shut them out entirely. There has to be a more layered solution and it doesn’t involve any of Arizona’s current racist policies.

I believe in voting. I think everyone should vote, even right wing, fascist psycho Republicans. Go for it.

I believe we should take care of homeless people as a society, with government agencies and tax money and stop acting like they’re human pimples on our teenage face.

I believe war is a terrible, horrible thing and I’m opposed to it but then someone brings up World War II and I realize just being a pacifist isn’t the whole answer.

I believe mental health problems in this country are largely ignored and depression and bipolarity aren’t things you can just walk off when you can’t even get yourself out of bed for that walk.

I believe being able to fart at any point during masturbation is one of the few upsides to having orgasms alone.

I believe we’re all buying, using and wearing clothes and products made by people in countries that are not being treated with the proper amount of respect and dignity but my local hippie stores also don’t knit a whole lot of office appropriate attire for me to keep my job so, I realistically have to keep buying things of that nature.

I believe you are not evil just because you are rich but that your wealth of money means you have a bigger influence and you can choose to do more good with it or more harm with it than people who make less money.

I believe chickens would support gay marriage if they could communicate that.

I believe we should all eat better than we do and move around a lot more, but I also put cream cheese on top of Pad Thai and eat it while I sit and watch full seasons of The Wire sometimes. Nobody’s perfect. Except for McNulty.

I believe people should wear deodorant of some kind unless they’re alone on a desert island by themselves, not ruining my subway ride.

I believe a lot of bicyclists are dicks and should wear helmets, signal more and not jut through traffic as pedestri-cars. But I also appreciate that their mode of transportation is good for the world n shit.

I believe abstinence only sex education is worse than losing your virginity at 14 with a condom. Most teenagers are going to end up having sex and you can’t stop it but you can show them how to not get pregnant and contract STDs.

I believe diamonds are overrated and birth control is a girl-woman’s best friend unless she seriously wants to make a baby. Like on purpose.

I believe the Earth is round because I’m not that moron on The View.

I believe monogamy is a choice and not a predisposition and people should sleep with as many partners as they and their partners feel comfortable with. If we aren’t weren’t such Victorians about sex, maybe more marriages would last and everybody wouldn’t have to lie and cheat to satisfy their natural need to bang hot bodied citizens. (possible band name?)

I believe marijuana is enjoyable, not wrong and makes me incredibly incredibly lazy, unproductive and eat the entire Strawberry section of a half gallon of Neapolitan ice cream.

I believe athletes get paid too much and teachers not nearly enough.

I believe there’s nothing shameful about going to therapy but that it’s not for everyone.

I believe minorities are treated poorly to this day and that racism is not generally “over” despite what white people living in mansions, sitting in power and surburbia would like to believe.

I believe poverty is fixable to a certain degree and welcome people who wish to tackle it and have smart ideas. I am willing to donate my time, energy and what money I can afford.

I believe everyone should read books throughout their lives. Reading matters.

I believe everyone should have to retake the driver’s test every 5 years. You people scare me.

I believe it is rude how attractive Ryan Gosling and Wentworth Miller are. They should have to say “Pardon me” when they come into view of anyone’s eyes at any time.

I believe solving all of our problems is really fucking hard. But let’s try anyway.

I believe it’s easy for me to believe all the things I believe because I have had so many advantages that others have not.

I believe hate is wrong but you might say that I hate “Hate”. So, I guess I am also a hypocrite in some ways.

I believe that anyone should be able to hate my beliefs as much as I love them and be able to say it outloud because I believe heartily in 1st Amendment and more than anything, I believe in the right for all those haters to kiss my big, round, white, taut ass. That’s why I go to the gym.

What do you believe?