GENEVA—Acknowledging they were taken aback by the latest development in the global epidemic, panicked World Health Organization officials were reportedly unsure how to respond Tuesday after the coronavirus brought 12 people back to life. “Uh, okay, so COVID-19 remains a very grave health concern, but we have to admit that the disease returning a dozen people from the dead is a definite upside,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom, urging citizens to practice good hygiene in an effort to stop the transmission of the pathogen unless they have recently deceased loved ones, in which case it might make sense to encourage the spread. “If you have recently traveled to an infected area, we urge you to stay quarantined within morgues and graveyards in the hopes that your disease will bring some people back. As a reminder, the elderly and infirm are particularly at risk of coronavirus, so please exercise caution, unless you’re already suffering from a terminal disease in which case, I guess, do your best to contract the virus, maybe? I don’t know, this one’s a real head scratcher.” Adhanom added that a potential response had been further complicated by reports that the 12 afflicted individuals had gained super strength and were capable of running hundreds of miles without getting tired.

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