Welcome one and all to the third edition of “The Best of Smashboards” AKA “the only reason Smashboards gets traffic anymore”. Today we’ll be tackling 1 well-known thread, a less-known comedy thread, and a thread that makes little-to-no sense without my insider information. Let’s get to it.

#1- “Taking Advantage of the Kindness of Others is not Acceptable, The First DQ of Pound” originally posted 12/22/2009 Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/taking-advantage-of-the-kindness-of-others-is-not-acceptable-the-first-dq-of-pound.259360/

This has been one of the most asked-for threads since I started this blog, and since I’ve been too much of a lazyass to find threads for myself this week, now seems like the perfect time to knock it out. For the uninitiated, this is the famous “PBnJ Is Banned Thread”. If you’ve ever wondered why it is EE makes an off-hand comment about checking for his wallet every time PBnJ is seen in the background of a stream, this thread should tell you why. I’ll allow the now-redeemed Plank to provide the exposition-

So it has come to my attention that PbnJ has been very shady and essentially robbing the smash community

He has abused and exploited the niceness of a lot of his friends and, more recently, the Smash community.

He asks for loans/plane tickets under false/misleading pretenses regarding repayment.

If you ignore the countless incidental debts he’s accumulated in the form of gas moneys, tourney fees, and snacks/meals, he still owes close to $1k.

He lies about situations to save face while he blames his own FRIENDS and their name gets tainted.

He then manipulates and guilt-trips people into “letting go of” [giving up on] his debts to them. Either that or he lies and makes up excuses to explain why he doesn’t have the money or how he’s going to pay them back.

This is the word I have gotten from multiple people. Now he has never really wronged me personally (except for guilting me into buying a tshirt i didnt want that much cuz it wasnt even my size, lol) but I do not stand for this kind of treatment among my peers.

Being the host of *pound* 4 i’ll be the first to say that pb&j wont be present at *Pound* 4. I’ll have security make sure so

Not much that can be said about that. Solid reasoning. What always cracks me up about this post is the ending though. “I’ll have security make sure so.” I just imagine 2 rent a cops sitting in a booth where their only responsibility is to look at this picture-

and make sure no one who looks like him shows up. But I digress. From there the thread transitions into “Firsts!” and reactions. One bit I enjoyed from the beginning was when TO’ing legend and “Most Wholesome Smasher of 2015” Award Winner Alex Strife shared his PBnJ story-

Here is my story about PBnJ its kinda…sad.

He approached me several times to buy these t-shirts ( I thought all of them looked horrid and I preferred to just avoid it as i was just enjoying ROM at that time.). When I was leaving he asked about selling T-shirts at Saffron. I said I would think about it but it is not my venue. He then begins to post things about selling at my tournament. Mind you I do not own this venue. THEN… So at Saffron he comes up to me talking about a National Circuit and several financial backers for this circuit. My interest is kinda peaked and I ask him to email me and send me a business plan. What I saw next was probably one of the saddest things in my life. He pulls out a crumbled piece of paper. Mind you this was in his pocket and it looked like either a tissue or a old receipt with words written on it. He attempts to show this to me thinking I am going to believe that it was a business plan. So I asked him to email me…which I never got.

Being called sad by Alex Strife hurt then, but given what we know about him now it’s just funny. It’s kinda like a sex offender harshly judging a guy for fraud… Actually it’s a lot like that come to think of it.

In typical Smashboards fashion they have proceed to have a level-headed discussion over the facts, casting neither judgement, nor scorn, nor ad-hominem. An example of which you can see here-

REDfox1- PB&J your commentary sucks…

SOAP AND WATER ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS

THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE BURNT SAUSAGES

YOUR *** IS WAAAAAAY TO HIGH UP ON YOUR BACK

CUT THAT TINY PIECE OF HAIR ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD OFF, YOU LOOK LIKE A DIRTY CANCER PATIENT.

AND IM ASHAMED AND EMBARESSED TO KNOW YOU.

(IM SURE YOUR FAMILY IS MORE ASHAMED)

ALSO DONT CALL MY ****ING PHONE EVER.

Like I said, just the facts.

It continues for some time, including an obligatory worried M2K post-

but he was holding onto some of my winterfest money :[. pbnj you paid me it all back right? this is making me worried

But then, after hours have passed and 6 pages of posts have been filled up, PBnJ decided to finally take a stand by reading his well-prepared and airtight defense in response to the Smashboards persecution-

PBnJ- u guys are freakin retarded…i dont own nobody nothin

……..

Outside of directly admitting your guilt, I don’t think there was a worse option he could have possibly taken. Just realize, there was a point where he had this typed up and as he looked over it he thought to himself “yep, this is probably sufficient.”

Actually no, I take back what I said. Admitting guilt would have been MILES better than this. At least with accepting responsibility he had some chance of redeeming himself within the thread, but instead he decided that basically saying “nu-uh you’re wrong you retards” was the better option. God bless you PBnJ.

Skip closer to the end and you get to the real meat of this thread, where it goes from good to great for a insensitive douche like myself, but bad to worse for people in the thread.

GA Peach– the final tale i have for you all takes place back in March at a tournament called Final Round. on the second day of the tournament, Brawl singles were going to take place. Larry, the TO, approaches Mike and asks where his copy of Brawl is. When Mike gives him a questioning glance, Larry states that he left it inside of Mike’s Wii. Mike says that his Wii is back at Evan’s and that he’ll go back and get it. He tries to get Evan to take him back, but Evan says no, stating that he wants to watch matches at the tournament. So, eventually, Mike convinces Dogy to take him back to Evan’s to look for the game. They drive for about 30 minutes to get back to Evan’s apartment. When they get to the apartment, they look inside Mike’s Wii, but only find a copy of Melee. They also looked inside of Evan’s Wii and find nothing. Mike calls Evan about the situation, and Evan says that the game isn’t there and that he forgot what he did with it. So, when Mike made it back to the venue, he asked Evan if he was going to take care of the situation, and Evan said that he would. And so, Mike left it at that. Time then passed to October, when Waba and Larry held South East Battles at Waba Game. When Mike arrives at the venue, Larry asks him about the game, saying he never got it back and that Evan said Mike would give it back to him. Mike tells him the truth; Evan said he would take care of the situation. Later on that tournament, Evan gives Larry back a copy of Brawl. Sadly enough, we find out that he stole Nes Noob’s copy of Brawl and gave it to Larry.

For those who read through it all (please do) and are confused why it’s such a big deal- NES noob was an extremely well-liked smasher from the South who died just a month prior to the posting of this thread. PBnJ stole his copy of Brawl. Really all that there is to it. Nothing more to say on it as sad and angry smashers are just that, sad and angry. I’d advise you all to go through and read this thread in its entirety, as there are a lot of fun tidbits I didn’t cover, such as the truegamer.com debate, Toasty’s beef, and the unresolved question of whether or not PBnJ got hacked.

Before we move on however, let’s poke in on Alex Strife to see what his thoughts were later on in the thread-

Alex Strife- I think old men should read this thread cause they will get hard so fast from the hype!

Fucking hell dude.

#2- A New Samus Emerges, Good Matches Inside! Please Rate! originally posted 4/19/2007 Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/a-new-samus-emerges-good-matches-inside-please-rate.101953/

This is one thread that would likely make sense to very few people if they saw it without context. Ostensibly, this is a thread made by a newcomer Samus from the dirty south who goes by the name “Kuger Magnum” and is looking to show off his skill to the Samus boards by posting footage of his Samus vs. “Mistah Fab’s” Falcon. Before you do anything else, click on this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuYz9P7MaD8 so you can see the most stereotypical 2007 Melee gameplay video in existence. The video’s description is “rape that no other samus could do” the footage is grainy, and Limp Bizkit plays in the background. It’s a work of art.

Now, allow me to explain why this thread is great through a DM conversation I had with some random-ass Samus player.

So yeah, Hugs decided to fuck with the Samus boards by posting footage of his matches with Romeo (formerly a top 10 SoCal player) and posing as an upstart Samus main. The board members react accordingly- passive-aggression, patronizing advice, straight up calling him a shitty player, it’s glorious. Mind you this is mid-2o07, Hugs is easily the best Samus at the time and is likely top-1o in the world as well. Here are some of the best bits of advice and criticism the board members give him-

Raging_Missiles- well i guess these were decent matchs but u dont use all of samus’s great techniques like MC, DMJ, PMC (Platform missile cancel)

but u have a pretty good understanding of samus’s abilities

Keep up the great work

pressthebutton- lol some cocky guy you are. i havent even watched your vids, but until u win a big tournament and get your name out there, I’m just going to pass you off as just another person who beats his friends, but would struggle against anyone else. Please, don’t be so cocky.

A follow-up

pressthebutton-It’s cool that you’re trying to differentiate which posts are “good” or not. If I were in your situation, and someone posted some advice which I didn’t like, I would just ignore their post and keep it pushing lol. I think that your cockiness could be good; it might get you better than you would become without your cockiness, but try to contain that cockiness and not let it make you seem like an arrogant new guy. cockiness cockiness cockiness it seems like all i said what cockiness lol

I love this guy.

thecrashman- you’re just a overly confident noob who really takes a dislike to what they don’t want to hear, you came here wanting to be phrased and worshipped over how played but got offensive when you heard wrong. You say I have no place to say such things. Guess what? neither do you saying how you could beat other samus players in this thread, you’re really overly cocky, the falcon player does have skill, I never said he didn’t but you got mad when you didn’t hear “omg you’re so good”.

This one is definitely the best though

xeonoex- You come in here and tell people to rate your videos and then expect everyone to worship you. You think your the best Samus player, and do nothing but brag. You have skill, but you think you are way better than you really are. Your playing is still a bit slow, and there was not enough combos. Good techs and DI, but there is still much room for improvement. If you want people to worship you and give you nothing but compliments, try to do what Hugs has done. There are plenty of Samus’ here as good as yours, and plenty of them are better. They try to help you and all you do is act like a conceited scrub. Watch Hugs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rwuboxwUi8

Thats a match that we do not need to crit on. That was 10/10. When we give you advice, don’t say we don’t know anything and don’t compare to you because we don’t have youtube videos.

The funniest thing to me about this isn’t just the delusional Samus players, it’s how strange their reaction is compared to how redditors or people on Twitter react nowadays to snippets of gameplay they see. I could talk for a while about this subject and while I will spare you all, it’s still crazy how different things are between them. In 2015 you probably couldn’t get the average /r/smashbros user to take the time to watch 5 games, much less analyze them due to the average user of 2015’s main discussion site being a spectator, as opposed to a competitor, but if you did get them to analyze they would in all-likelihood be overwhelmingly positive about it. I dunno if it’s because of that switch from competitor to spectator, if it’s because people are just nicer to each other in 2015, or what, but it’s interesting nonetheless. Anyhow, let’s see if Hugs had anything to say on his main account about his alter-ego’s post-

HugS- This thread is funny

fuck off Hugo.

Eventually Hugs did post the truth which you can find here- http://smashboards.com/threads/a-challenge-to-kuger-magnum.102431/ where you can then see everyone backtrack on their statements. It’s all good fun.

I’d love to see this get done as like a legit experiment sometime though, scientific method and everything. Take a random sample of 200 /r/smashbros users who say Melee is their favorite game and then show them all a modern top-level Samus vs top-level Falcon set and have them right down thoughts and criticism afterwards, but tell half of them that the 2 players are top players, and tell the other half they’re new players. Then afterwards, compare notes between the 2 groups. My hypothesis is that both would be crazy positive. Whether that’s good or bad, I’m not sure.

So in his attempt to cover-up his trolling as a social experiment, Hugs ended up providing me with the inspiration to conduct an actual experiment. Not bad.

#3- “Smash Chains” originally posted 12/31/2009 Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/smash-chains.260110/

I’ll allow Hugs (yes, Hugs again, sue me) to describe the purpose of this thread.

A Smash Chain is kind of like a smasher’s horoscope and family chain combined. It describes what kind of smasher you are, and what line of smashers you are a part of. Think of the people in your smash chain as your direct descendants, a group that you represent as a player.

I’ll list some chains now. Each Chain is named not after the best player within the chain, but the player who represents the traits of the chain the most.

He then goes on to give each chain and which player represents said chain. They are as follows-

The Ken Chain

“This chain is made up of players who are naturally good. Their talents make them forces right from the beginning, and keep them as strong contenders for years to come. They either know little about the intricacies of the game or they simply choose to never speak of it. They rarely every improve much beyond their original level, but they don’t really need to. They are naturals at the game.”

Distinguishing Characteristic:

They throw a LOT of random s*** out there and call it a strategy. “Three forward smashes in a row azen? Really?”

The PC Chain

“This chain is made up of players that are decently natural at the game, but continuously improve to levels far beyond the rest. They DO know about the game, they don’t play dumb like they don’t know what they’re doing. They don’t just keep up with the metagame, they help create it.”

Distinguishing Characteristic:

D*** size never exceeds 4 inches (Except joey)

The Tafokintz Chain

“Now we get to the funnier chains. We start with the Tafokintz chain. For those of you who don’t know Tafokintz, he’s a player from UCLA. This chain represents those players who, like Tafokintz, are SO F***ING BAD that they’re good. They’re smart, otherwise they’d see no success. However, these players have certainly tested their opponents’ patience on several occasions with some retarded no sense strategy. It’s harder to find the “bad” in the more successful players of this chain, but trust me, they’re REALLY bad. So bad that they’re kinda good.”

Distinguishing Characteristic:

These players tend to take great pride in playing like dumbs***s. Just listen to larry next time he tries to talk about his style.

The DSF Chain

“There’s a thin line separating the Tafokintz Chain from the DSF Chain.

If these players could be represented by movies, Brokeback Mountain would be calling their names. They camp, they counter, they chaingrab, they do it all. These are the gayest players alive. They play like douchers and make you question whether they have any fun playing the way that they do. “Did you really run the clock on me? Really?”. “Wow, did you just counter pick characters AND go to Corneria just to camp the fin? really?”

If Ghandi played smash, these guys would be down to chaingrab him in a heartbeat. BUT HEY, they are pretty dam good, so I guess to each his own.”

Distinguishing Characteristic:

It’s sad, but most of the time these players don’t even know that you can counter pick a neutral.

The Silent Wolf Chain

“This chain of smashers is for all the dumba** technical players out there. This chain belongs to those players who rush you quick without any regard for their own safety. They only know 1 direction…forward. They’re certainly good, and they’re not completely stupid. Their high risk strategy does take them places, but sometimes not.”

Distinguishing Characteristic:

Blowing 3 stock leads like nobody’s business.

The Fabian Chain

“This chain is home to those smashers who spent over 3 years playing this game but have yet to make any kind of improvement. These players are the epitome of hopelessness. These are the homies. You kick it with them, you eat with them, you smash with them, you DAM SURE rip on them, but they simply CANNOT improve. Great competition is a must for the players in this chain, since a complete lack of potential can only be proven amongst a great amount of skilled competition. And trust me, these guys have NO potential.”

Distinguishing Characterstic:

They try to compensate for their lack of singles skills by pretending to be good in teams. Also, these players are really fond of leaning in real close when they speak to you, like they have no sense of private space.

The Kira Chain

“There’s a fine line separating the Kira chain from the Fabian chain. This chain is made up of players who spent about 2 years being absolutely terrible at this game, before finally becoming great. These are the late bloomers of smash, and thank god they bloomed. Otherwise they’d be in the Fabian chain.”

Distinguishing Characteristic:

They tend to forget real quick how absolutely abysmal they once were.

The Jew Chain



“These players wanted to be in a chain so bad that we had to make one up specifically for them. We got some mean a** jews in the community, and they deserve their own chain.”



Distinguishing Characteristic:

They want to be a part of a normal chain so badly, but they can’t, because they belong in this one.



Now in the Smashboards thread itself it gives examples of what players fall into what chains, and I’m purposefully omitting those so that you all can go through and read these and think of what players today fit into what chain without having the members from 2009 alter your thoughts. Feel free to message me/post your thoughts so I can take them for a future article see what ya’ll think. Anyhow, here are some of the best reactions to the chains-

Fiction- Im Not Freaking Jewish

Tafo- Yay thanks for the shout out hugs. I got my own chain -tafo

brownsheep- i feel like members of the pc chain are consistently the second best players thatll beat the best at a tourney or two, only to force the best to improve and come roaring back like PC beating Ken, forcing ken to up his falco game

or PC beating M2K, inspiring a super gay marth

or KDJ beating M2K, who then learned how to be even gayer am i wrong?

Westballz- i laughed my *** off reading that thread….The fabian train is so funny….i cant beleive im in the jew train 🙁

I can’t think of a better stopping point than Westballz lacking the ability to distinguish between a chain and a train. I’m out.

——

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If you’re “that guy” in your local scene, stop.

ty Hugo, you’re a homie