Battling 1337: How to Battle Correctly

Introduction

Perhaps you've signed up for Battling 101 before. Perhaps you've even got a tutor. Regardless, it is HERE, in THIS ARTICLE, that you will truly learn to battle like a swag YOLO boss, or whatever terms there are that you kids use these days. But do read on, my protégés-to-be, and master the art of battling correctly. (I'm going to keep this introduction really short, so I can have more space for the REALLY important bits later on.)

How to Build a Team Correctly

Before we enter battle ready to kick some hind, we unfortunately have to go through the boring process of constructing a team. But with 649 Pokémon to choose from, how is anyone to choose six good members for a team? By selecting the coolest, most badass ones, of course! Some good reference points are Issue 13's list of the Top 10 Manliest Pokémon, and... never mind, that's probably all you need; at least half your team should come from this list.

Let's start our team off with the incredibly manly and awe-inspiring Metagross, number 9 on the list I just mentioned. Think about it; it's kinda like the Terminator, but with PSYCHIC POWERS. It's hard to get more awesome than that. As for the moves we're going to teach it, a good reference point is Steven's moveset. I mean, he's the Champion of the Hoenn region for a reason; he should know. As for the EVs to put on our set, just remember this golden rule of thumb: the best defense is a good offense... or maybe it's the other way around. Finally, having a manly team is SERIOUS BUSINESS, so I think it shouldn't be too hard to guess what nature our first team member will have.



Metagross @ Sitrus Berry

Ability: Clear Body

EVs: 252 Atk / 252 SpA

Serious Nature

- Meteor Mash

- Psychic

- Earthquake

- Hyper Beam

Next, let's look at Gyarados, which is a really cool sea serpent. Sea serpents as a general rule are usually badass and cool, but I don't think many of them are named after the Japanese word for 'slaughter'. True to its name, I can imagine Gyarados putting the 'laughter' in 'slaughter' as it snaps the carcasses of its enemies in half. But that's enough for now, because this introductory passage is getting rather long, and I think this article is meant to be PG.

Obviously, one does not use Gyarados—or any Pokémon for that matter—without a good STAB move or two. Let's just slap on its two most powerful STAB moves, Hydro Pump and Bounce. Next, let's consider the point of Gyarados's great maw. Generally, sea serpents' fangs are used for cutting fish in half, cutting fishermen in half, and cutting trees in half. Unfortunately, Gyarados can't learn Cut, so we'll have to make do with Bite. As for our last move, we'll have to turn to some visual imagery. Imagine yourself fishing one day, trying to catch a Tentacool or two, when suddenly a giant sea serpent leaps out at you and SHOOTS FIRE OUT OF ITS MOUTH. This is why Flamethrower is an excellent fourth move. Finally, we'll give Gyarados some snazzy BlackGlasses, maximize the EVs of its two attacks, and give it the most SERIOUS of natures:



Gyarados @ BlackGlasses

Ability: Intimidate

EVs: 252 Atk / 252 SpA

Serious Nature

- Hydro Pump

- Bounce

- Bite

- Flamethrower

The last Pokémon we'll be taking from this list is Garchomp, aka LAND SHARK, aka MANLIEST POKÉMON EVER. Obviously, Garchomp will be the center of our very manly team, so we'll have to be very careful about its moveset. First, let's give it the two most powerful STAB moves it can learn, namely Draco Meteor and Earthquake. Next, we'll need something called "COVERAGE"; basically, you want to have as many different types of moves as possible. This means that using Giga Impact and Hyper Beam on the same Pokémon is for noobs only, so let's just use Giga Impact. Finally, our next most powerful move of a different type is Fire Blast, so let's use that!

With such a variety of move types, it's obvious that the item of choice for this Garchomp is Expert Belt so it can do more damage when it hits super effectively, which it obviously will a lot with this wondrous moveset. I don't think I need to tell you what kind of EV spread and nature we're going to use, either...



Garchomp @ Expert Belt

Ability: Rough Skin

EVs: 252 Atk / 252 SpA

Serious Nature

- Draco Meteor

- Earthquake

- Giga Impact

- Fire Blast

Next we're moving on to Hydreigon. Why Hydreigon? BECAUSE IT HAS THREE HEADS, THAT'S WHY. Obviously because of this, Hydreigon does triple damage when using any moves which involve its head or mouth. First of all, let's give our Hydreigon Tri Attack, because how else is it supposed to attack at full power? We can now follow this up with Head Smash, Crunch, and for some "COVERAGE", Ice Fang. I have no idea why anyone would ever want to use this move on a Pokémon with no apparent fangs or teeth, but hey, it's expert advice.

Carrying on this trend, we'll give it some Wise Glasses for some triple 1.1x boosts, which is either 3.3x or 1.331x, depending on how your Hydreigon decides to wear the glasses. Because this could evolve into a huge discussion about the merits of different arrangements of eyewear on Pokémon, let's skip the fuss and move right on to the set: same EVs, same nature.



Hydreigon @ Wise Glasses

Ability: Levitate

EVs: 252 Atk / 252 SpA

Serious Nature

- Tri Attack

- Head Smash

- Crunch

- Ice Fang

Now for something even cooler! As you may already know, anything made of steel is instantly cool. So what about a huge person-sized bug made of steel with pincers threatening to slice you in half? That's what a typical Scizor looks like!

Akin to Hydreigon's moveset, we need to give Scizor Double Hit so it can use its two arms to the best of its ability. Next, we'll give it three moves relating to those nasty pincers of its, but keep in mind the need for "COVERAGE". Metal Claw is a must, because Scizor's arms are literally metal claws; next we can slap on Brick Break for some karate power, and finally we can give it Night Slash to ramp up the mixed martial arts factor. I don't think I need to explain the EVs or nature, but evidently we need to make Scizor the Light Metal variant so it can be light and actually move at a speed greater than a treacle-covered rock, while BrightPowder is just there to make it look shiny and cool. In fact while we're at it, we may as well make it shiny.



Scizor @ BrightPowder

Ability: Light Metal

Shiny: Yes

EVs: 252 Atk / 252 SpA

Serious Nature

- Double Hit

- Metal Claw

- Brick Break

- Night Slash

The final member on our team will be Mamoswine, because it's a mammoth, and not only is the idea of a mammoth incredibly fearsome, but they can prove to be soft and cuddly too if properly tamed. Is that great or what?

First off, we'll obviously (gosh, I'm using that word a lot in this article) need to outfit Mamoswine with Earthquake so it can kill stuff really quickly. Ice Fang is a good STAB move to use, firstly because it's literally a STAB (haha, get it? Gosh, I'm so funny!) move, and secondly because it isn't very nice to be impaled on the fangs/tusks of a mammoth. We'll round this off with Strength and Rock Smash, so Mamoswine can show off how manly it is. Oblivious is probably the most superior of the three abilities Mamoswine can have, mostly because it sounds terribly like "Oblivion". Finally we'll enhance Mamoswine's already humongous, bulging muscles (which you likely can't see under the layers of fat other muscles) with a MUSCLE BAND.



Mamoswine @ Muscle Band

Ability: Oblivious

EVs: 252 Atk / 252 SpA

Serious Nature

- Earthquake

- Ice Fang

- Strength

- Rock Smash

All we have to do now is pick a name to use on Pokemon Showdown truly befitting the awe-inspiring, glorious, wondrous nature of our team. "Manly Team" would do quite well.

Bah. I suppose we'll have to find another name... how about "MANLIEST MAN"?

VICTORY!

How to Battle Correctly

MANLIEST MAN joined.

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx joined.

Format: OU

Rule: Sleep Clause

Rule: Species Clause

Rule: OHKO Clause

Rule: Moody Clause

Rule: Evasion Clause

MANLIEST MAN's team:

Metagross / Gyarados / Garchomp / Hydreigon / Scizor / Mamoswine

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx's team:

Gliscor / Jirachi / Ninetales / Ferrothorn / Zapdos / Blissey

Ah, it looks like we've found a battle! Unfortunately, it looks like we're fighting a complete wuss; no proper manly man in his right mind would use Blissey. Or maybe our opponent's just really drunk. Either way, this should be a terrifically easy win!

Battle between MANLIEST MAN and xXiI MLGPRO IiXx started!

Go! Metagross!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Ninetales!

The foe's Ninetales's Drought intensified the sun's rays!

Okay, so remember: throughout the battle we have to think purely logically. And by logically I mean "blast the opponent with the strongest move possible". What could go wrong?

Turn 1

Metagross used Hyper Beam!

The foe's Ninetales lost 44% of its health!

The foe's Ninetales used Roar!

Gyarados was dragged out!

See? I told you. Excellent. Now all we have to do is slaughter this fox, and we can go home happy.

Turn 2

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx withdrew Ninetales!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Ferrothorn!

Gyarados used Flamethrower!

It's super effective! The foe's Ferrothorn lost 95% of its health!

The foe's Ferrothorn was burned!

The foe's Ferrothorn restored HP using its Leftovers!

The foe's Ferrothorn was hurt by its burn!

The foe's Ferrothorn fainted!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Blissey!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: -_____-

One down, five to go! Don't worry about Blissey; we might not be able to do anything to it, but it sure can't do anything to us.

Turn 3

Gyarados used Bounce!

Gyarados sprang up!

The foe's Blissey used Thunder Wave!

Gyarados avoided the attack!

See what I mean?

Turn 4

Gyarados used Bounce!

The foe's Blissey lost 46% of its health!

The foe's Blissey is paralyzed! It may be unable to move!

The foe's Blissey is paralyzed! It can't move!

The foe's Blissey restored HP using its Leftovers!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: bs

And that is why fat pink blobs are absolutely useless.

Turn 5

Gyarados used Bounce!

Gyarados sprang up!

The foe's Blissey is paralyzed! It can't move!

The foe's Blissey restored HP using its Leftovers!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: OH COME ON

This is getting rather humorous, isn't it?

Turn 6

Gyarados used Bounce!

The foe's Blissey lost 41% of its health!

The foe's Blissey used Thunder Wave!

Gyarados is paralyzed! It may be unable to move!

The foe's Blissey restored HP using its Leftovers!

I have to admit, I feel rather sorry for the opponent. Maybe he's drunk; maybe he's using Blissey on a dare. Either way, you have to pity him.

Turn 7

Gyarados used Bounce!

Gyarados sprang up high!

The foe's Blissey is paralyzed! It can't move!

The foe's Blissey restored HP using its Leftovers!

Turn 8

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx withdrew Blissey!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Zapdos!

Gyarados used Bounce!

It's not very effective... The foe's Zapdos lost 23% of its health!

Turn 9

The foe's Zapdos used Thunderbolt!

It's super effective! Gyarados lost 100% of its health!

Gyarados fainted!

The foe's Zapdos lost some of its HP!

Go! Garchomp!

What a cheater! Thunderbolt couldn't possibly do so much to a Gyarados as manly as this...

Turn 10

Garchomp used Draco Meteor!

The foe's Zapdos lost 65% of its health!

The foe's Zapdos used Hidden Power!

It's super effective! Garchomp lost 100% of its health!

Garchomp fainted!

The foe's Zapdos lost some of its HP!

The foe's Zapdos fainted!

Go! Mamoswine!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Gliscor!

This would be a good time to learn about type matchups. Gliscor is purple, which obviously means it's Poison-type. Thus, Earthquake would be best in this situation.

Turn 11

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx withdrew Gliscor!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Jirachi!

Mamoswine used Earthquake!

It's super effective! The foe's Jirachi lost 100% of its health!

The foe's Jirachi fainted!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Ninetales!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: ffs...

What a weirdo! He must be drunk to switch in Jirachi when I'm obviously going to use Earthquake. The poor man...

Turn 12

The foe's Ninetales used Flamethrower!

It's super effective! Mamoswine lost 100% of its health!

Mamoswine fainted!

Go! Hydreigon!

Gosh, that was a strong Flamethrower! Our opponent probably just got lucky with a critical hit that wasn't shown here. Don't worry, dragons solve everything! Just remember that and you won't have to worry about losing a single battle.

Turn 13

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx withdrew Ninetales!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Blissey!

Hydreigon used Crunch!

The foe's Blissey lost 31% of its health!

The foe's Blissey fainted!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Gliscor!

Once again, we need to ask ourselves: how can we deal with Poison-type Pokémon? With Head Smash, of course! Since it's colored brown, it's probably a Ground-type move and will destroy Gliscor completely. gg!

Turn 14

The foe's Gliscor used Protect!

The foe's Gliscor protected itself!

Hydreigon used Head Smash!

Hydreigon's attack missed!

The foe's Gliscor's Toxic Orb activated!

The foe's Gliscor was badly poisoned!

MANLIEST MAN: bs hax

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: .................

Oh, dear, Head Smash has missed! This probably means our opponent has hacked the game. We need to not only tell Zarel, but also switch out to a Pokémon which he hasn't had a chance to hack yet.

Turn 15

Hydreigon, come back!

Go! Scizor!

The foe's Gliscor used Toxic!

It doesn't affect Scizor...

MANLIEST MAN: lol noob

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: shut up

Ha! We outpredicted him soundly enough. We're in trouble if he Protects, though, because that may give him a chance to hack Scizor! Yes, I know what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, but can you blame me? I'm so excited!

Turn 16

The foe's Gliscor used Earthquake!

Scizor lost 37% of its health!

Scizor used Metal Claw!

A critical hit! The foe's Gliscor lost 32% of its health!

Scizor's Attack rose!

The foe's Gliscor restored HP using its Poison Heal!

Turn 17

The foe's Gliscor used Earthquake!

Scizor avoided the attack!

Scizor used Metal Claw!

The foe's Gliscor lost 18% of its health!

Scizor's Attack rose!

The foe's Gliscor restored HP using its Poison Heal!

Turn 18

The foe's Gliscor used Earthquake!

Scizor lost 39% of its health!

Scizor used Metal Claw!

A critical hit! The foe's Gliscor lost 74% of its health!

The foe's Gliscor fainted!

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx sent out Ninetales!

Don't worry, everyone knows that foxes have very bad knowledge when it comes to topics concerning aim. That's why so many of them get killed by hunters in the wild. Let's go all-out on this fox with BOTH our pincers!

Turn 19

The foe's Ninetales used Flamethrower!

Scizor avoided the attack!

Scizor used Double Hit!

The foe's Ninetales lost 28% of its health!

The foe's Ninetales lost 28% of its health!

Hit 2 time(s)!

The foe's Ninetales fainted!

MANLIEST MAN won the battle!

MANLIEST MAN: gg

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: ...

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx: gtfo

xXiI MLGPRO IiXx left.

Conclusion