Sonia Gandhi is in a meeting with Rahul Gandhi, Ahmed Patel and Renuka Chaudhary to choose the leader of Congress in the Lok Sabha. The Unreal Times correspondent, Shani Mankar Iyer, currently employed as a servant in 10, Janpath household recorded the proceedings.

Sonia Gandhi: I will really prefer the same person we had the last time as our leader in the Lok Sabha. You know he is ready to shoot for me.

Ahmed Patel: Madam, unfortunately Mr. Ready to Shoot lost the Lok Sabha elections from Solapur.

Sonia Gandhi (looking disappointed): OK, what about the one who was ready to die for me?

Ahmed Patel: He lost his security deposit from Farrukhabad.

Rahu Gandhi: What about Zero loss?

Ahmed Patel: He lost from Chandni Chowk. We have got zero in Delhi.

Sonia Gandhi: What about Meira Kumar?

Ahmed Patel: Intelligent suggestion madam. She would have been a good choice. She has good experience handling the Lok Sabha as the Speaker. However, she lost from Sasaram in Bihar.

Sonia Gandhi: Anyone else you can think of?

Renuka Chaudhary: Unfortunately P. Chidambaram, A. K. Anthony and Manish Tiwari did not contest Lok Sabha polls so we are left with very few good options for this post.

Rahu Gandhi: Hey, how about Shankarsinh Waghela?

Ahmed Patel: Sensible choice Rahul Baba. He has experience tackling Narendra Modi as a leader of opposition in Gujarat. Even I would have recommended him. I would be personally happy to see both the PM and the leader of Opposition from Gujarat. Unfortunately, he lost the election from the Sabarkantha seat.

Sonia Gandhi: Well, then why not anyone else from Gujarat?

Ahmed Patel: Unfortunately madam, we got zero in Gujarat.

Rahul Gandhi: You know what? Whoever rules Uttar Pradesh rules India. So let’s select someone from Uttar Pradesh.

Sonia Gandhi gazes at Rahul with pride and admiration

Ahmed Patel: Rahul Baba, I appreciate your wisdom. However, we have only 2 winners from Uttar Pradesh, You and Soniaji.

Sonia Gandhi: What about Madhya Pradesh?

Ahmed Patel: We got only 2 warriors who managed to withstand the Narendra Modi – Shivaraj Singh Chauhan onslaught, Kamal Nath and Jyotiraditya Scindia. We can choose either of them. Good, strong leaders with their own political base.

Sonia Gandhi: That’s exactly the kind of leader I don’t want.

Renuka Chaudhary: How about Shashi Tharoor?

Sonia Gandhi: I don’t like leaders with personalities. (Sonia sighs) I wish I had listened to Sanjaya Baru this time and let Dr. Manmohan Singh contest Lok Sabha elections. Today’s decision would have been much easier. (after a pause) What about that Aadhar guy whom we were grooming to be Rahul’s Manmohan?

Ahmed Patel: He lost from Banglore South.

Rahul Gandhi: Talking of Madhya Pradesh, wasn’t the last time’s leader of opposition also from Madhya Pradesh?

Ahmed Patel: Yes, but now she a senior cabinet minister. So this choice is ruled out.

Sonia Gandhi: Any names you can think of? Say from West Bengal? or Maharashtra?

Renuka Chaudhary: How about Abhijeet Mukherjee?

Ahmed Patel: No, that will mean the opposition will be apologetic and defensive rather than the ruling party.

Renuka Chaudhary: How about Ashok Chavan?

Ahmed Patel: We have only one position to fill. Let us not give fodder to the ruling party by choosing a person facing charges of corruption. We cannot have the Lok Sabha logjammed over the leader of opposition.

Sonia Gandhi: What about Rajasthan and Tamil Nadu?

Ahmed Patel: We got zero in both.

Sonia Gandhi: Is there any state we got to double digits?

Ahmed Patel: We fell just 1 short of double digits in Karnataka.

Sonia Gandhi: Alright then. Let’s reward the people of Karnataka with this post. Ahmed. Just sort these winners in the order of their stature and let’s discuss the candidates.

Ahmed Patel: OK madam, I have sorted all the 9 Lok Sabha winners in the order of their stature. The first is Veerappa Moily.

Sonia Gandhi: A bit too high in stature. Next one.

Ahmed Patel: Second is Mallikarjun Kharge.

Sonia Gandhi looks at Ahmed blankly.

Ahmed Patel: Um, he was briefly the railway minister…

The name still doesn’t ring a bell with Sonia who continues to stare blankly.

Ahmed Patel: Er…I guess, let me just move on to the next one in the list…

Sonia Gandhi: No, no, he’s perfect! Just call him and ask him if he’s ready to accept the post!

Ahmed Patel (after a brief conversation): Madam, he says, “Will do as madam says.”

Sonia Gandhi (with a satisfied smile): Perfect! It’s done then!

The meeting ends and people make their way out. After the room is empty, Sonia switches on her iPad and types “Mallikarjun Kharge” on a Google Search window.