So given the essential differences between humans and mermaids, even aspiring ones, I thought it would be helpful to include the perspective of the most gentlemanly and dandified person I know, Lord Whimsy, who might assist us in navigating these strange social waters. Lord Whimsy is the author of The Affected Provincial’s Companion, Volume One, otherwise known as “A Bounteous Selection of Essays, Philosophical Diagrams, Poetry, and Other Such Arcadian Follies Concerning the Art of Curious Living and the Reintroduction of Ancient Charm into This Vale of Mud and Tears Known Heretofore as the Modern Life,” and obviously a must-have for anyone trying to live a rarefied life.

So have you ever chanced upon a mermaid in any of your naturalistic wanderings?

Well, I’ve been on dive excursions all over the world: The Great Barrier Reef, South Africa, Belize, and the North Atlantic. The mermaids of Australia are fairly robust, garrulous farm gals, bursting with vitamins. The ones in South Africa are a bit plain but have an Old World charm that they seem to have picked up from the coelocanths. The Caribbean mermaids are colorful, graceful, and doe-eyed beauties, covered in shell jewelry. The North Atlantic mermaids, at least the ones that frequent wreck sites off of New Jersey, are a bit rough. Tattoos and big hair. I caught one trying to steal things out of my boat when I returned from my dive.

What is the properly gentlemanly response when happening upon a mermaid? Is there a protocol for such an encounter?

Same general rules apply at sea as on land, although while chatting with a mermaid during a fishing excursion, it’s considered polite to reel in your line. It’s akin to refraining from cell phone conversations during dinner. Basic consideration, really.

Can you please describe your general attitude toward merfolk?

I don’t have a very high opinion of them, personally.

What about mermen specifically, who get so little attention from the world at large?

Their politics are fairly off-putting, I think.

Do you believe it is possible for human men and women to enhance their general mermaidliness?

Not without neoprene. It’s cold down there. Very cold.

Do you have any additional thoughts, or advice, to impart on this pressing topic?

Don’t talk trash about mermaids in the presence of dolphins: it will get back to them. Dolphins are terrible gossips. I made this mistake once. Boy, do I miss that boat.