I do not have the best track record in regards to relationships and despite readily admitting to exceeding others tolerances, up until recently my choices could be construed as anything but wise. My previous girlfriend turned out to be a bar fighter, the one before that tried to shoot me with a scuba gun and the one prior to that joined an amateur acting group and expected me to attend her opening of The importance of being in Earnest. As I felt it was appropriately important to be earnest, when she asked me what I thought of the performance I told her the truth and had to make the fifteen kilometre journey home on foot.

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no #1



While working at a horse riding camp several years ago, I spent a good twenty minutes explaining to a group, which consisted of twelve children and their young teacher, the importance of horse safety before walking behind a horse and being kicked in the head. I recall only walking in a zigag back to the house with the muffled sounds of children screaming in the background before collapsing and waking up in hospital. While I was there, with a fractured skull, the teacher bought me in a get well soon card signed by all the children so I asked her out but she said no.





no #2



During a work seminar of around forty people, we were handed out forms and asked to fill out a questionnaire on the horrific concept of smoke free working environments. As I did not bring a pen to the seminar, I raised my hand and asked "Will we be provided with..." and had a mental glitch where my brain forgot what a pen was called so, after several uncomfortable seconds of silence, added "...writing implements?" which caused the girl sitting next to me to giggle for several minutes. During the lunch break and despite the fact I would have to sit next to her for another two hours, I asked her out but she said no.





no #3



Around the corner from my place is a 24 hour petrol station thing that I buy what little products I require that don't come in a can (milk) and feed my car (my car is very thirsty and is like having another child in that it is demanding, expensive and problematic. It would be a pretty big child, and made of metal but that is not the point). The point is that a girl started working there and I thought she was really nice but she would serve me and not speak or make eye contact so I asked her if she had a 'carfor'' and she asked me "what's a carfor" to which I replied "driving around in when I am not paying ninety two dollars to feed it" and she laughed in a very strange manner and went back to what looked like counting in binary in her head. After some small talk (which on hindsight she may have taken as admonishing her on the poor choice of video's they sold), I asked her out but she said no.





no #4



Many years ago, while driving to Uni one morning, a girl driving a Ford Laser pulled up at the traffic lights next to me and I noticed she was wiping tears and looking quite angry. After the lights turned green, she changed into my lane ahead of me and as there is nothing more attractive than angry and upset females, I came up with an ingenious plan: the next time she stopped at lights, I would 'accidently' tap the back of her car then get out, talk, exchange numbers and then get married and have a pet dog. As she was pulling to a stop, I edged forward but unfortunately she braked more suddenly than I had expected and I slammed into the back of her car hard enough to see her head flap around like a rag doll. After pulling over, exchanging details and offering to drive her to the hospital for the cut on her forehead, I asked her out but she said no.





no #5



At the local swimming pool canteen, not realising until afterwards that my penis was caught in the elastic of my swimming shorts with the tip sticking out, I purchased a packet of twisties and a can of coke before asking out the girl who served me but she said no.





no #6



A lady (aged one hundred and ninety) at the counter at Myers in front of me yelled "My purse" then looked at me and proclaimed "You took my purse" so I said "yes, I took your purse, I collect them." and she started yelling at me and the department manager came over and I had to explain that I was not admitting to the theft, I was being sarcastic. Her purse ended up in one of the many bags she was carrying but she continued to glare at me without so much as an apology. When the girl served me she apologised and I asked her "Why, did you arrange someone to act like an old crazy woman for me?" and she laughed and said that I was funny so I asked her out but she said no.





no #7



While I was walking down the centre of a popular shopping mall in the centre of the city, I noticed that a lot of people were looking at my shoes, then my face, then back to my shoes. I figured that they were impressed with the pair of black Globe sneakers with white stitching I had bought the day before. After spending an hour or so shopping, while waiting for the elevator to the car park, one girl in particular kept staring before shyly walking up to me and quietly pointing out that the underpants I had worn the day before and inadvertently left in my jeans had worked their way down one leg and were hanging out the bottom like a flag. I was quite embarrassed and stated that they were not mine before realising that having another mans underpants hanging out the bottom of my jeans was probably worse so quickly admitted that "no, sorry that was a lie, they are my underpants" and she looked at me strangely before I asked her out but she said no.





no #8



While I was in a electronics store called Jaycar buying something with blinking lights, a girl approached and asked me a question concerning which network cable would be suitable for her needs. Wanting to appear helpful, I found a large selection of cables and listed the benefits of each. After she explained that the cable needed to be long enough to reach from her neighbours house to hers as her neighbour had offered to share their broadband, I laughed and told her that was the 'stupidest thing I have ever heard and did not know if the store had cables that long' so she asked "Well, can I speak to someone else then?". I looked blank before realising that I was wearing a blue shirt the same colour as the staff that worked there and the whole time I had been helping her she had assumed that I was an employee. After explaining to her that I did not work there and denying that I had been pretending to do so, I asked her out but she said no.





no #9



While talking to a girl at a bar, I lied to her about my job, telling her I was a wind turbine technician (specialising in aerotechatrons) because I was bored and thought it would be funny. After a few beers, I put my arm out to lean against the bar (which I did not know was covered in spilled beer) and my hand slipped sending my neck into the corner of the bar and leaving me unable to breathe for a few minutes. After assuring her that I did not require medical assistance, she stated that she had to go and asked for my business card. Forgetting my deception, I handed one over and while she stood there reading the card then looking strangely at me, I asked her out but she said no.





no #10



Around the time I was twelve, my sister had really hot friends staying over. I would dress in ninja gear and wriggle 'saving private ryan beach commando style' into her bedroom and listen to their conversations. Some were educational, most were inane. A few months ago, I was standing in a cd store and a girl came up to me and said "Are you David?" to which I replied "It depends" (and immediately regretted as I knew that if she asked me 'depends on what', I had nothing). The fear must have shown because she asked "Depends on what?" and I replied like a retard "On whether it is on or off the record, I have been misquoted by you people before." and she looked at me as if I was a retard before telling me that she had been a friend of my sisters and remembered me and then actually asked "Are you still annoying?" so I asked her if she still "squeezed her nipples while thinking about kissing Michael Wilson". After a pretty long pause I asked her out but she said no.

