I should be a little happier.

Just last night the sexual flip of the coin landed in my favor. The results of all of THIS – the workouts, the nutrition, the practice and execution of “game”, the acquisition of more money, the immersion in hobbies – all of the things that at one point or another, we’ve all done to be more attractive, have blessed me with more sex and female attention. It’s becoming more frequent now, more of a rule rather than an exception.

Here she was – cuddling up to me after another run in the sheets. I get her a glass of water, help her find the clothes that we flung off the night before, offer her a snack from the spartan selection in my fridge, and see her off. Usually girls have to be somewhere earlier than me, thanks to my relaxed work schedule, so after I close the door behind her and hop into the shower, I send out the text which might determine the course of the rest of my life.

“I had a blast, hope you did too! Get home safe!”

And now we wait, the tedious, excruciating wait for her to reply. I look at my phone after the shower – no reply. Fuck.

My head starts to race.

Exactly what happened last night? I fucked her good, or did I? Did I insult her in some way? Did I lose my erection at some point? She had alcohol in her system, that technically makes me a rapist?? Fuck fuck fuck. What if she regrets the whole thing, and tells someone I raped her? Who would believe me? I don’t have the money to defend myself… I’m so fucked…

“Got home safe. Last night was fun;)”

Whew. The evidence is now in my phone. Everything that took place last night was entirely consensual and justifiable. If she takes me to court, that text could save my life. Maybe I was freaking out over nothing.

But was I?

I keep hearing stories every day about how a woman destroyed a mans life on a whim, just because she refused to accept the consequences of her actions.

I didn’t cheat on my boyfriend – I was raped.

I didn’t hook up with this ugly guy – I was raped.

I don’t want to pay my cab fare – so I was raped and assaulted

Every day I hear these stories, and every single day I hear others implying that I am a rapist and don’t even know it. Everywhere I hear “You Should Teach men not to rape”, and I agree, but haven’t we been taught that our entire lives? I know rape is bad and people shouldn’t rape. All of my friends know rape is bad and people shouldn’t rape. But yet we’re still the bad guys, the aggressors.

It seems that until a woman says so – everything I do sexually can be considered rape. I’m terrified. Think I’m paranoid? Look at the upheaval over a recent episode of Girls.

For those without HBO – there was a scene where Adam and his new girlfriend Natalia had some sex. It was uncomfortable to watch for the same reason it was beautiful. Adam was struggling with his demons – the demons of alcoholism, the demons of ending and awkwardly maintaining a romantic relationship with someone he was enamored with, the balance of old love and new, the feelings of a lack of self worth. The scene was squeamish the scene was awkward, the scene is a projection into Adam’s soul, the scene is self discovery and self hate.

What the scene wasn’t – it wasn’t rape.

At least that’s what I thought until I saw the outcry over this scene online.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/03/11/girls_adam_and_natalia_sexual_assault_and_verbal_consent_on_hbo_s_girls.html – BAM

http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/girls-adam-natalia-rape-scene – double BAM.

I’ve had awkward sex before, does that make me a rapist?

And it wears on you. There’s always that moment when you realize a girl is trying to cut you out of her life and you look back to see if there was anything you did that could get you in trouble with the law. Always got that “I didn’t rape you” text? Check, whew. Used condoms every time? Well, there was once… fuck fuck fuck fuck, time to mark that date on my calendar and know that in 9 months I will truly be in the clear, not let’s schedule that STD test.

It feels really weird. All this work into becoming better with women, and I can’t trust any of them. I know that at any point, I am subject to their whims. My freedom and livelihood depends on how they feel that day.

So forgive me if I don’t sound too excited about “getting wasted and meeting some new chicks bro”.

EDIT: I found this picture a few hours after I wrote this post. This is the kind of shit that terrifies me