Transcript

I've probably said (beep) more times than my own name.

They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day,

and then just rerelease the original.

If I had a dollar for every time I needed a dollar,

I would never need a dollar.

Does a frozen yogurt headache burn fewer calories

than an ice cream headache?

If Nick Offerman's wife didn't want to change her name,

would they compromise for Nick Offerwoman?

If I touch my phone in the right places,

a pizza will show up at my front door.

Using your laptop to research buying a new one is

like asking it to dig its own grave.

Will Ferrell and Ferrell Williams have reverse names.

Is my brown belt sad

that I chose my black belt this morning?

When a pregnant woman swims,

she's basically a human submarine.

If you break a pencil, you have two pencils,

but if you break a pen, you have zero pens.

The roof of your mouth is actually more like a ceiling.

A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.

I wonder what my dog named me?