Facebook is a ‘primary platform’ for social behavior and self-representation. It is a rapidly-emergent web 2.0 framework where you can share, create, network and interface for personal and professional reasons, and it is also the subject of a new film called The Social Network. The film is apparently about some college bros who became social media millionaires by inventing Facebook.

If one were to examine my ‘page’ on Facebook, one would see that I have not yet seen The Social Network or any movie [in a theater] since Twilight: New Moon. It is common practice now to meet someone at a bar, band show, etc. and as you do not want to be inappropriately ‘forward’ by asking for a phone number, if you like them you might say something to the effect of ‘are you on Facebook’ and the person will be like ‘yeah’ and then theoretically you go home and type their name into Facebook and find them and then you wait like 2-3 days so that you don’t seem ‘too eager’ and then you ‘friend’ them.

Then you probably look at their Facebook page a few more times, you click on their ‘photos,’ you probably show a few people, you ‘like’ most of their ‘statuses’ for about a week and that is the end of your courtship.

But it’s not necessary to vaguely watch one’s list of who is ‘online’ on Facebook Chat for a week so that one can kind of stare at someone’s name when the ‘dot’ beside it turns green vaguely considering messaging them but not doing it so that one never appear interested in this person in whom one is interested.

In fact, one can tell a lot about an individual by a careful and nuanced study of their Facebook page. Examine each area of someone’s Facebook page in the order herein recommended to see if they are normal/have a life/should possibly be avoided.

PHOTOS

This is the most important section. Not only does looking at someone’s photos tell you whether they are actually attractive versus ‘you were just kind of drunk when you met them and it was dark’, but it tends to be a better indicator than their ‘friends list’ of whether they have a life.

Good Signs: Person appears to have numerous photos smiling with friends, is ‘tagged’ in images of parties, is photographed at a brunch table [indicating they get up in the morning + can afford food], appears in photos in ‘vacation spots’ or with members of their family [indicating relative emotional normalcy].

Bad Signs: Person has available only photos they have taken of themselves, has a disproportionate number of photos of themselves versus others [indicating geocentricism/’thinking they are so hot’] has numerous album covers or cat pictures that have substituted for ‘profile pics’ [indicating borrowed identity, unstable sense of self or ‘something to hide’], person is rarely or never photographed by others in a ‘party setting’, or person appears with excessive frequency in a ‘party setting’ [slumped on street, critical mass of ‘drunk photos’, coated in food and/or nebulous substances] , is photographed repeatedly in intimate congress with the same person suggesting they are ‘in a relationship’ despite no indication thereof in their ‘profile.’

Other bad signs: The person has photoshopped themselves into numerous art collages.

‘WALL’

After evaluating the individual’s ‘Photos’ tab it is time to perform an analysis of their daily life by examining their Facebook ‘Wall.’

Good Signs: The individual has reasonably frequent and legible ‘status updates’ [indicating facility with social networking, a quality correlated with intelligence and relevance], and a healthy combination of ‘posts’ made by themselves versus posts made by friends. Acceptable topics for wall posts include discussion of social activity or work, favorite lyrics or quotations, approval or disapproval of bands or television shows, and ‘status updates’ such as ‘[x] is attending [an event].’

Bad Signs: The person posted something at 4 AM sometime to the extent of ‘think I might be dying’, the person posts ‘WE ARE ALL VERY SMALL MOTHERFUCKER’ or other bizarre statements in all caps, the person rarely appears to ‘rsvp’ to event invitations/attend soial events, there are posts from friends that say ‘are you alive,’ the person posts on Facebook ‘can anyone help me find a job,’ there are multiple ‘looking for a new apt again HELP’ posts within 1-3 months of each other, the person only posts what they ate on a daily basis.

Other bad signs: the person ‘likes’ successions of alarming ‘pages’ on Facebook, e.g. ‘[x] likes CHEAT ON ME AGAIN AND ILL CUT YR BALZ OFF LOLZ, i know where u were last nite!!!!, if 1000 ppl join this u get a free iPad 4 REAL!, Crying and 6 other pages’; or e.g. ‘[x] likes dumpster diving, The Cleveland Show, dextromethorphan, Bitches and 4 other pages’.

Further bad signs: The person plays a lot of ‘Farmville,’ has frequent ‘Wall Posts’ indicating how many ‘White Mystery Eggs’ the person has bothered to collect.

INFO

The rarely-explored ‘info’ section should be a valuable place to obtain important facts about the person via their Facebook page.

Good Signs:The person has included relevant information about their current city, employment, favorite quotes and some information about their tastes in media consumption. Possibly they have suggested some personal facts in their ‘Bio’ section. Perhaps they have ‘jokingly’ listed a best friend as someone to whom they are married [indicating absence of preoccupation with relationship status + close human bonds.]

Bad Signs: The person is inappropriately interested in ‘Twilight.’ The person lists 10 close friends as their ‘siblings;’ the person has written more than 200 words in their ‘Bio’ explicating in detail all the things that can and cannot occur should one theoretically get close to them, threatening those who ‘get on their bad side’ and concluding with a declaration of their excellent, sweet and spiritual qualities; the person has included something in their ‘Bio’ to the effect of ‘still figuring out this facebook thing lol,’ the person has typed ‘lol’ anywhere in their ‘Info’ section.



FRIENDS LIST

A friends list can provide a ‘partial snapshot’ of a person’s social relationships.

Good Signs: 200-600 ‘Friends,’ possibly some ‘Mutual Friends’ that you were not previously aware you had in common

Bad Signs: The person has fewer than 100 ‘Friends,’ the ‘Friends’ seem lame, the person has over 1000 ‘Friends’ without a reasonable explanation for having cultivated that many connections [suggests they are indiscriminate or overly socially aggressive, ‘Friending’ everyone.]

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Hopefully after perusing this useful guide you will now know if the person you met but will probably never actually talk to is ‘normal,’ and you also know how normal you appear to the person who you met and you are hoping they will accept your friend request but as of yet you don’t have any information on how frequently they actually use Facebook. If it takes them more than 2 weeks to accept your friend request they probably aren’t ‘worth it’ anyway.

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