Coming out affects a lot more than just the queer in question. Because culture and religion have made being gay a whole thing, coming out means suddenly dropping all of that baggage in the arms of the queer person and the people in their lives. Sometimes the relationship is strong enough to carry that weight. Sometimes the relationship breaks, and other times the relationship moves forward, oblivious to the fact that it left some essential luggage at the gay baggage claim. Just because a family member says they accept you being gay doesn’t mean they accept you being gay.

As I wrote back in February, The Golden Girls was ahead of its time when it came to gay rights. “Sister of the Bride,” the sixth (sixth!) Golden Girls episode to feature LGBTQ characters and/or themes, deals with the fallout of coming out. Whereas most sitcoms have a gay-of-the-week episode and that’s it, we actually get to see Blanche (Rue McClanahan) really reckon her homophobia in this follow-up to Season 4’s “Scared Straight.”

“Sister of the Bride” comes from a team of gay writers, Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry and playwright Jamie Wooten. Like with The Mary Tyler Moore Show’s gay episode, which was co-written by a gay man, “Sister of the Bride” smacks of specificity (while also being ferociously funny). There’s a subtle lived-in quality to the episode’s gays, Blanche’s brother Clayton (Monte Markham) and his partner Doug (Michael Ayr), that’s missing from shows written by straight men. These two feel like real people who exude a laid back chemistry; that’s partly because viewers met Clayton a few years earlier.

Clayton’s first episode dealt with Blanche balking at having a gay brother, and “Sister of the Bride” picks up… well, not where “Scared Straight” left off. With Clayton visiting, Blanche tells the girls that she suspects her brother has found a woman. Dorothy has to remind Blanche that her brother is, you know, gay, but Blanche thinks it’s just a phase, like the one he went through when he was a teen.

It’s easier for Blanche to call it a phase, since that means she doesn’t have to expend any energy extinguishing her homophobia. Clayton arrives and Blanche assumes Doug, the mustachioed man right behind Clayton, is a taxi driver. Come on Blanche! Clayton clears this all up and introduces Blanche to Doug… his very special friend. This is the face of someone realizing they ain’t getting off that easy:

Blanche immediately casts herself as the victim. After dinner, she says she “did a great job hiding how upset” she is. Dorothy points out that bursting into tears after being asked to pass the fruit cocktail isn’t exactly “hiding.” But Blanche isn’t being unreasonable, not in her opinion. Her rationale: “I don’t really mind Clayton being homosexual. I just don’t like him dating men.” The other girls are rightfully baffled by this, as evidenced by Sophia’s response:

The girls are also taken aback by Blanche’s backtracking. Didn’t she and Clayton part on good terms just a few years ago? But Blanche didn’t take the time to deal with that reveal, and now that reveal’s brought a guy into her home–and they’re asking about sleeping arrangements.

Of all the girls, it’s sweet and naive Rose who calls Blanche out, saying she can’t accept Clayton if she doesn’t accept that he dates. Dorothy adds that she should be happy that her brother is in a monogamous relationship, too. And that’s not meant as shade to those in open relationships, either; this episode aired during the AIDS crisis when promiscuity often had deadly consequences. The other girls can see that Clayton is out, happy, and safe. Why can’t Blanche? She finally admits that Clayton and Doug are two consenting adults and gets over it.

And then promptly gets back under it. When Blanche finds out that Rose has invited Clayton and Doug to an awards banquet, Blanche flips. She doesn’t want them to be seen in public together. After all, what will people say? Unbeknownst to Blanche, Clayton’s right behind her, and he has an answer:

That line, what it implies, hits me hard. Clayton and Doug are an out gay couple in 1991, and that comes with a cost. But Blanche dresses her fear for herself up as fear for her brother: “Will you tell me why you want to put yourself and Doug through this? You know how people can be.”

Clayton’s response: “And if my own sister can’t accept our relationship, what chance would I have with anyone else, right?” In a beautiful declaration of commitment, Clayton tells Blanche that “what the world thinks doesn’t matter,” because they’re there for each other. Dorothy doesn’t let Sophia step on this moment.

Instead of being Clayton’s ally, Blanche stalls by being Clayton’s victim and then Clayton’s protector. The former makes Clayton’s identity into a weapon used to harm, and the latter reframes Clayton’s identity into a weakness that needs shielding. Clayton needs an ally that sees his identity as his identity. When Clayton tells Blanche that he’s marrying Doug, which is as public as it gets when it comes to love, she calls it a “stunt” done to humiliate her.

Blanche doesn’t immediately go to the awards banquet, and she makes it perfectly clear when she does show up that she’s there to support Rose–not her brother. When Clayton almost introduces Doug to one of Blanche’s friends as his special friend/partner/fiancé, Blanche panics.

Clayton once again calls Blanche out. “What did you mean when you told me you could accept my being gay? Did you mean it was okay as long as I was celibate? Okay as long as I don’t fall in love?” He says that Doug is family now, and “if you don’t like it, you don’t have to be a part of my family.”

This is why I love Clayton Hollingsworth, and it’s why he was #2 on my personal ballot in Decider’s list of the 50 most important LGBTQ TV characters. I’m a Southern gay like Clayton, so obviously there’s that. There’s also Markham’s dignified, proud, and at times suave performance. I also love how The Golden Girls uses Clayton; this isn’t Clayton’s show, but the writers don’t shy away from the truth that he is right and Blanche, my beloved Blanche, is wrong.

Distraught, Blanche turns to Sophia for one of Golden Girls’ therapeutic kitchen table chats. Blanche asks, “Why does he have to slip a ring on this guy’s finger so the whole world will know?” Sophia asks why Blanche married her husband, and Blanche says it was because they loved each other and wanted to make a lifetime commitment. “That’s what Doug and Clayton want too,” says Sophia. “Everyone wants someone to grow old with and shouldn’t everyone have that chance?”

Blanche drops in on Clayton and Doug as they’re packing up to leave and asks Doug one question: “Do you love him?” Doug answers (“I do, very much”), but this one-on-one isn’t enough. Whereas another show would end on this sweet moment, Golden Girls–with a pair of gay writers that knew what was up–pushed further. Blanche has hurt Clayton, and she’s spent two episodes sending mixed signals and setting up unfair restrictions on who Clayton is allowed to be around her.

“Doug loves me for what I am, not for what he wants me to be or wishes I were,” says Clayton.

“I guess I deserve that,” replies Blanche.

“I guess you do.”

Blanche messed up big time, and Golden Girls wants you to know that. Blanche says she intends to respect his decision and she wants him to be happy, and the episode ends with her inviting Doug into a family group hug.

“Sister of the Bride” ends on a happy hug, but the conclusion is bittersweet. Blanche still says she doesn’t understand Clayton’s decision, and she’s not thrilled that Doug knows about her brother’s snoring. She’s still a ways away from marching in a pride parade, but she at least acknowledges, respects, and–maybe begrudgingly–approves of her brother’s relationship. Most importantly: she finally listened to her brother and accepted that she treated him wrong. It’s a powerful moment, and a marvelous performance from McClanahan (IRL a gay rights advocate).

“Sister of the Bride” is a brave episode. It spotlights a resilient gay character, it deals with gay marriage decades before it would be legalized without batting an eye, and it isn’t afraid to show a beloved character in a negative light in order to teach a valuable lesson. If Clayton gave a face to gay rights in 1991, then Blanche humanized those struggling to keep up with the times–and hopefully she also showed that love and acceptance has to win.

Watch the Golden Girls episode "Sister of the Bride" on Hulu