I am away this week, so I leave you with a round-up of recent childish, silly and occasionally slightly amusing uses of the popular micro-blogging website.

1. There’s a special place in Hell for people who pay for Hell Premium™. Joerobinow

2. I went to the barbers yesterday for some highlights… he just showed me a video of his favourite haircuts. Neil

3. “The Clintons bumped into the Queen at the Guggenheim museum in Spain.”

“Bilbao?”

“No, he panicked and curtsied.” Moose Allain

4. Me: I’ll see you in a month.

Wife: Don’t forget to write.

Me: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon. Marty Lawrence

5. Uninspired Yorkshire artists have periods of draw-nowt suffering. Tom Freeman

6. To join Poets’ Mensa you need a very good haiku. Moose Allain

‏7. I don’t like The Pobble Who Has No Toes, because I’m lack-toes intolerant. ‏Tom Hamilton’s wife

8. Goofy and I came second to Scooby Doo and Friends in a cartoon singing contest yesterday. We’d have won it if it wasn’t for those medleying kids. Glenny Rodge

9. All mushrooms are edible, but some only once. ‏Croatian proverb, via Mary Novakovich

10. Tortoise: Beer?

Turtle: Just tea, thanks.

Tortoise: Wine?

Turtle: No, tea please.

Tortoise: Sure?

Turtle: Yes I’m [turns to camera] Tea Turtle. Moose Allain

I have done a Top 10 Jokes of 2015, a Top 10 Twitter Jokes, and a Top 10 Moose Allain Jokes before, if you want more.

Next week: punk Songs, because punk is 40 years old this year

Coming soon: phrases from adverts, such as “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”, from a Listerine advert in 1925