MCLEAN, VA—Nearly 13 years after shooting the prominent Texas attorney and political donor in the face, former Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters Tuesday he had finally hunted down Harry Whittington and killed him in cold blood. “Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t regretted my failure to take out that sonuvabitch on a hunting trip back in ’06, but old Dick can sleep easy now that he’s been down to Austin with a shotgun and finished the goddamn job,” said Cheney, who reportedly spent more than a decade painstakingly tracking every move of the 91-year-old before shooting off the deadbolt of his home, kicking in his bedroom door, and killing a sleeping Whittington point-blank in the night. “I prayed for the lead shot lodged in his heart to do him in right then and there. I also thought about sneaking into that motherfucker’s hospital room and blasting the other side of his face, but I knew the media would be all over it, so I just laid low and bided my time. Almost nailed him at an RNC event in 2011, but the bastard got away again. He couldn’t run forever, though, and last night, I put that slippery little shit down for good.” At press time, sources confirmed Cheney was having the man’s disembodied head mounted and hung over the mantelpiece in his Virginia home.

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