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Tom Forrister celebrates his dad—and wonders how, as a transgender man, he can put his fathering instinct to use.

I was raised by a father who did not realize he had a son.

My family embraces forward thinking, so this “daughter” was encouraged to help with activities often reserved for boys. I tend to gravitate toward things that fall outside gender stereotypes, but I would swell with pride when I got to spend time with my dad in father/son activities like painting the fence, working on the car, or playing catch in the yard. As I grew older, he would call throughout the house when he needed my help on outdoor work, “Oh eldest, strongest daughter!” I internalized this as high praise (except for the daughter bit, but how was he to know?).

My father and I also connect on a geek level. He’s a chemist, I’m a biology minor, and we often had discussions long into the night about science and science fiction. Music is another shared passion. He introduced me to classic rock at a very young age (Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” would lull me to sleep on long car rides), and I keep trying to bring him around to my newfangled tunes (Green Day is my latest success).

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We had the kind of conversations that guys have together, and they stayed with me and made me feel better as a teen when I was excluded from guy-to-guy conversations with kids my age.

Our relationship, though rocky when I left home to become an adult on my own, helped lay the foundation for principles that are starting to take root in my life as a man.

Dad taught me to work hard for what I want. Emulating his sense of responsibility has led me to set achievable goals for myself. I am not my father, but I try to take his best lessons and strengthen my own character with those assets, turning them over to do something great in the world. I don’t always know how to get there, but I have a good sense of direction for where I want to end up, thanks to him.

This work ethic is something I always saw myself passing on to my own children. The problem is, I gave up the ability to have biological children when I made the choice to be my true self and transition. Floods of testosterone are shutting down my ovaries, and my uterus will be removed as soon as I can afford the procedure. (Medical insurance sees an operation that, to me, is necessary for my health, as cosmetic—a discrimination that forces me to pay entirely out of pocket).

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My wife, who is older than me, is now at the point in her life where chances for a healthy pregnancy for mother and baby are slim, especially since we would have to wait a few more years in order to financially support a child. Adoption is an option, but not easy for transgender individuals, even though I am now legally male. If I truly want a son or daughter, I will find a way. But the loss of passing on my genes is hard. I am sterile at 25.

If I can’t be a father right now, I hope I can be a father figure. The paternal instinct in me runs strong. Now that I have my act together, I am less selfish and more aware of the kids in my own community who grew up fatherless. If I can impart the combined wisdom of my dad’s advice with my experience, I think I’ll have done all right as a positive male influence.

Two years ago, my parents and sisters came to visit my wife and I in Boston. It was right before I told them I wanted to make the transition to become male, so I was nervous. I dressed in men’s clothes and wore a binder to minimize my chest. Most drastically, I’d cut my hair from being shoulder-length blonde to a buzz cut.

My family was surprised, but we soon slipped into a natural ease with each other as we toured the city. Before I ever told them outright that I wanted to transition, they still showed me their love and support. For me, the visit’s best moment was when I shared my first beer with my dad. We had simple, relaxed conversation. I felt like his son.

Despite our differences and misunderstandings when I dropped out of college and moved up north, Dad still shared a beer with me that hot summer day like everything was normal between us, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate his acceptance. When I see him this summer I hope we can continue to reestablish our relationship as father and son, man-to-man, sharing a beer at the good old-fashioned Southern barbeque my relatives have planned. Fire up the grill, Dad. I’m ready.

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