As a gamer, I know that there’s nothing less political than freedom of speech. Standing up for freedom of speech is the only way to ensure that we can finally keep politics out of our games and focus on what’s important, like playing the uncensored version of RifleTits at our cousin’s 7th birthday party without worrying about our epic rig burning out while rendering the boner-bursting graphics I demand and deserve.

That’s why I was outraged this week to see that Blizzard were bowing and scraping to China by cracking down on that Hearthstone guy and his freedom of speech – just because they make a ton of money in China! Without having checked, I can only imagine that this was well-received by the cucked left.

Unlike many “socialist” SJWs, I’m all for capitalism (the only economic system with a high skill ceiling) but one thing I absolutely cannot abide in my capitalism is when companies do something which is motivated by a desire for profit. The whole thing was just unbelievable, and once I’d read the 150-word r/gaming summary about the situation and saved a meme of Winnie the Pooh to my desktop, I knew all that I needed to know to get involved.

Now I may be just a simple gamer who could go pro if he wanted to but chooses not to because it would not be fair to other men, but I feel like the situation really isn’t that complicated. Hear me out on this one: China simply needs to get its shit together, stop cracking down on democracy in Hong Kong, and go back to quietly (but also very openly) providing me with the cheap labour and electronics that make my entire lifestyle possible in the first place.

Does that sound so hard?

I’ve got a lot of experience as a freedom fighter. In fact, just yesterday I requested a Steam refund on Explosive Diarrhea Simulator after one of the developers revealed that a trans rights flag was hidden in a locked drawer in a desk in one of the levels. So, yes, I do know what it’s like to fight – and win – against a dangerous and oppressive regime, and I refuse to back down no matter who gets fired.

Look at it this way: if I had to pay more than $60 for a new game, that would be essentially the same as a war crime or maybe a massacre. Can’t the Chinese government see how unfair that would be? What if I had to spend hundreds of dollars on simple things like cables and peripherals, or what if the price of a new graphics card went up by $1500 because it was now being made in the United States instead of China?

These awful scenarios must be prevented at all costs, and as a gamer, it is my duty to stand up against them. It’s like Thomas Jefferson himself said in the preamble to the Constitution: “I want my entertainment goods to be high quality while also being very cheap and I don’t want to think too hard about where they come from or what it means to have everything structured this way.” And I think we can all agree that those words are as true today as they were then, in 1920 or whenever. These are the principles America was founded on.

So if everyone could just get it together, stop cracking down on human rights and stuff and get back to work holding up the system that allows me to live the life that I take for granted, that would be truly “epic gg”.

If there’s one thing that we can all agree on, it’s that there is nothing more important than freedom of speech, unless game developers are telling me to stop harassing them, in which case they should be fired. Please share this so that the King of China sees it and gets back to work on my PS5 as fast as possible.