Hello hello!

Over the past year, I’ve seen some really bizarre teas that other companies produce. On Ali Express, for example theres been pressed tea cakes of pure hibiscus flowers, and even tea tree flowers. Lately tea companies, like White2Tea for instance, have been giving their teas funky names inspired by rap music, video games, or any other media that motivate them. But the funkiest? Well, the strangest has to be Cow Cunt Puer, which is a compressed mini toucha that sells for $35 a dozen. So is there anything great about Cow Cunt Puer? Lets mooooove on and find out!

Steeps 1 - 3

I began the session with one and a half mini touchas of Cow Cunt, which is 6.6g of tea for a 100ml vessel . After a quick rinse, I gave this tea a whiff to see what I could find. It didn’t smell like too much of anything, but it did remind me of a horse stable. Anyways, I proceeded on to the first steep. At first, the notes of black liquorish appeared and left a wafting aroma of beef broth and dry boot leather. After a few more steeps the taste resembled the texture and mouthfeel of velvet with the taste of a used bird cage. After the third steep, the taste of bird poop mixed with black licorice was overtaken by the taste of mud.

Steeps 4 - 6

While trying to prevent myself from gagging, I took a deep breath of the wet leaf. I wish I didn't, because its stench was as bad as it tasted. Despite the putrid aroma of cat piss, there was still a chance this tea could redeem itself, and what better way to find out then continuing on with the session. With the fourth and fifth infusion, this teas texture moved from leathery smooth to jagged barbwire, contributing to its surprising and unforgiving bitter astringency. These steeps filled my mouth with the taste of farm — but before you go off and say that ‘farm’ isn't a tasting note let me explain:

So first I must ask, have you ever been to a farm or a petting zoo? When look around, there’s animals grazing on piles of hay that sit on a ground thats covered in bird and horse shit, mixed with the stench of animal urine that flow through the dirt. Along with that, just imagine the incense of a sweaty lama or a sweaty goat, mixed with the shit-infused dirt. So now you have the idea of what a farm smells and looks like, just imagine having those disgusting and gagging aromas on your tongue as they radiate from the tea you’re drinking.

With the taste of farm lingering in the side of my cheeks, and the bitter and astringency that followed it, the sixth steeping decided to bring out the liking of stale cigar. Like, one of those damp cigars that makes you want to throw up after smelling it. With the added notes of cigar, I decided that this was an excellent time to end this session, and moooovoe on from this Cow’s Cunt.

Conclusion

Well, after drinking that, I felt violated. While I didn’t have any expectations for Cow Cunt Puer, I didn’t expect it to taste so rancid. Besides the horrid profile that this tea possessed, one thing that really upset me was how dirty this tea was. While brewing, so much dirt emerged from this mini toucha — along with tea leaves that looked like they slid across a cheese grader.

Overall, this tea is sold for nearly $3.00 per mini toucha, and honestly, I think that the price doesn't reflect the value of Cow Cunt. While giving tea funky names is popular at the moment, this tea’s name could resemble what a cow’s vagina may taste like. If not the cows vagina, it reflects what a cow’s ass may taste like. With that in mind, now’s a great time to drink one of your better teas and appreciate it because it could always be worse… It could be a cow’s 'beef curtains'.

Rating - 0.0