Marlo (right)

The tragic tail of one dog’s flirtation with the Donegal far-right

Can dogs vote? Obviously not, that would be stupid. However, an unfortunate mix up with the local electoral register meant that a polling card unexpectedly arrived at the house. On it was printed the name “Marlo Keano Hugo Chavez Breslin”. This is the name of my dog. My dog has a vote.

Meet Marlo.

Marlo Keano Hugo Chavez Breslin: A Good Boy

Marlo is in many ways a normal dog. He enjoys long walks on the beach, socialising with other dogs, is a non-smoker and has a good sense of humour. Marlo joined the family a few years ago after we collected him from a pet rescue, where he had turned up in an emaciated, hobo-like state of destitution. We don’t know exactly what Marlo experienced prior to this but we know it wasn’t nice. He almost certainly suffered violence at the hands of humans, and he retains a near-pathological fear of unknown people visiting the house. We’ve worked long and hard at showing Marlo that humans are trustworthy. These efforts have been largely successful although visitors will still be met with a volley of barked abuse and a kind of panicked scurrying about. Still, Marlo is a good boy.

Who will Marlo vote for? Previously, the only interest he had ever shown in politics was after controversial local Councillor John “PrimeTime” O’Donnell got re-elected. A distraught Marlo took to the bed for a week of despaired reflection. Subsequently, he refused to speak about the issue and eventually settled into the type of political apathy that is all too common amongst many dogs and, indeed, many humans.

A despaired, disillusioned dog

Now that he had the vote, I enquired as to who he intended to give it to. “Probably Fianna Fáil” he barked, “Fine Gael have been in long enough, sure we may as well try the other shower again”. Now this line of thinking may be common among large parts of the electorate, but no dog of mine would be voting in such a reprehensible manner.

Forbidding him to vote for either civil war party, I instructed him to do some proper research, pick a candidate, and get back to me.

After a day or two roaming the Donegal countryside, inspecting the various mugshots of those who seek to rule us, Marlo returned. Battered and bruised, he now had a look on his face that suggested the acquisition of a new-found political wisdom.

A new found political wisdom

“So, who’s it to be” I asked.

“Niall McConnell, the Irish Patriot,” was the reply.

The blood drained from my face. I became dizzy. I saw stars. I fainted.

My dog had turned alt-right.

Some background. Niall McConnell is the far-right candidate in Donegal. He calls himself “The Irish Patriot” on his weird YouTube channel, and he’s running on a staunchly anti-immigration platform. He’s a known associate of some far-right elements in Britain and is part of a general trend during this election of an increasing number of fascists (the National Party, the Irish Freedom Party) entering Irish electoral politics. This, in turn, is a very small part of the general worldwide growth of the far-right.

Some argue that the growing global popularity of such forces stems from the economic trauma that the Great Crash of 2008 inflicted upon societies. Might a similar argument be made about my dog? Had past traumas made Marlo susceptible to far-right ideology? Perhaps Marlo’s irrational fear of outsiders coming to the house had been transformed into an irrational fear of outsiders coming to the country. Is Marlo, like many far-right voters, deeply fearful and distrustful of immigrants? Or is he just a racist dog? Is my dog a bad boy?

After going through all five stages of grief, twice, I decided to confront the mutt.

I interrogated Marlo, using various treats and toys to retain his attention, and yes, it transpired that his foray into the countryside to inspect election posters had indeed radicalised him. He was now fundamentally and unequivocally opposed to all immigration.

“The less people coming into the country” he reasoned, “the less people coming to the door, scaring me and exacerbating my fear of strangers”.

I informed him that I was very disappointed in him and that immigration has been incredibly beneficial to Irish society. Anti-immigrant sentiment, I opined, was being deliberately fostered by an elite keen to avoid scrutiny over their excessive hoarding of wealth and, frankly, he should know better than to buy into it. Bold Boy!

I also reminded him that some of his human friends are immigrants but, alas, none of this was getting through to him.

Robust political debate between man and beast

I hounded him, I bitched at him, I doggedly pursued the argument, all to no avail. “You’re barking up the wrong tree”, I muttered. Finally, and in desperation, I informed him that no dog could or should ever trust this Irish Patriot character.

My arguments fell flat.

Unfortunately, McConnell had placed on his election poster a lovely picture of a dog, who, by association, appeared to be endorsing the fascist. I knew then that the argument was lost since Marlo possesses an almost deranged affection for all other dogs.

The canny Niall McConnell had, through the exploitation of a dog on his poster, secured a full 100% of the canine vote in Donegal. It may not have been enough to get him elected, but this would be a resounding moral victory, with definite international ramifications for the global rise of the far-right.

I was devastated. My dog was going to vote McConnell and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then everything changed.

Marlo suffered a tragic boating accident during a severe storm and badly damaged his leg. Since the local animal hospital had been closed down due to heartless Fine Gael cuts (disclaimer: this may not actually be the reason), we rushed him to the human hospital. There, following a lengthy wait, he underwent emergency surgery to repair the damaged limb. I forgot all about Marlo’s newfound predilection for the far-right, only wanting him to recover. Thankfully, the operation was a success and Marlo is now in recovery.

In recovery, but could his damaged political ideology ever be repaired?

Throughout his long recovery (he has to wear a cone for two weeks) we had many lengthy discussions. Unable to go walkies, these robust intellectual ramblings served as the perfect substitute for his regular strolls. We discussed how, in the future, climate change will mean more storms and the potential for more boating accidents. We spoke about how the hospital that treated him needs more investment and that the solitary hours he spent lying on a hospital trolley were a direct result of underfunding. His vote should be based on securing more public services for those who need it, I told him, rather than fear of the unknown.

We also spoke of the contribution that immigrants make to Irish society and noted that it was an immigrant who had performed his surgery. Finally, we spoke about how it was dumb to base your vote on an election poster and that if too many people did that the country would be awash with posters and we’d end up with terrible governments all the time (oh, wait…).

Marlo’s accident and subsequent political maturation has thankfully changed his outlook. He’s now no longer going to vote based on fear but will vote with renewed hope for a brighter future; his will be a vote on tackling climate change, on protecting public services, on building a country that can be a good home for all, immigrants included. Once again, Marlo is a good boy.

So, who is Marlo going to vote for? I can’t tell you that. Only an absolute dickhead would use his dog for political purposes.

What a a**hole! (not the dog)

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