CAHILL’S ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF KERCHING!



It’s been a tough week for the flamin’ bosseroos of Football Federation Australia (FFA), who’ve had to interrupt brunch at least once in order to intimate that critics can rack off. Those critics got all obstreperous on Tuesday when it was announced that Tim Cahill is part of the country’s pre-Ethics World Cup training squad. The player has been terrific in the past but he’s 78 years old now and his recent preparations for the World Cup have involved studying Steve Morison’s galumphing technique from a bleak observation post on Millwall’s bench. Which is why many fans couldn’t help wondering whether Cahill’s inclusion in their 26-man squad was in any way connected to the fact that he was revealed on Monday as the figurehead of an expensive marketing campaign run by a fuel company that happens to be the main sponsor of Australia’s proud and totally sacrosanct national team, the Caltex Socceroos.

FFA denies Tim Cahill included in World Cup squad for commercial reasons Read more

There were also fears, at least from a Fiver standpoint, that those suggestions would lead to another press conference in which Australian sporting leaders break down in tears and whimper for forgiveness like children who’ve soiled their pants in the supermarket. Happily, there was no such spectacle this time, as the FFA came out fighting, insisting commercial interests have in no way led to shameless compromises being foisted upon the team’s manager, Bert Coca-Col … sorry, Bert van Marwijk. “Absolutely not!” stormed FFA supremo David Gallop from the forecourt of one of the Caltex stations that is to be renamed ‘Cahilltex’ for the duration of the World Cup. “Have a look at Tim Cahill’s track record,” ordered Gallop, a keen archaeologist.

“He’s a guy who has produced for the Socceroos and Australia so many times!” continued Gallop, who may have had the verbal trots. “He’s going to [the training camp in] Turkey, he’s got a few weeks of intense training and he’ll be right up there [with a chance of being included in the final 23 and then amazing the watching world in his daring new role as the Australian Roger Milla].” Jamie Maclaren, the striker jilted from the squad despite scoring a hat-trick for Hibs last weekend, was not immediately available for comment. But Cahill was. “There are ‘Cahilltex’ stores in five major cities around the country and it’s awesome to have so much support for the Socceroos heading towards Russia,” tweeted a player whose mouth, at least, is not running on empty.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

30 March: “This is a proof that Saudi sport is doing well … I expected to be at the World Cup as I have already refereed in key Asian and international competitions, and I know that Fifa always look at the quality of referees and their previous performances, so I knew they would be fair in their selection” – referee Fahad Al-Mirdasi on his selection to officiate in Russia.



16 May: “Fifa notes the information that referee Fahad Al-Mirdasi has allegedly been banned from all football-related activities by the Saudi Arabian Football Federation” – Al-Mirdasi is banned for life after offering to fix the King’s Cup final between Al-Ittihad and Al-Faisaly.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Oh Fahad! Photograph: Tolga Bozoglu/EPA

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FIVEЯ LETTERS

“Can I be the first of zero fans of palindromes to suggest that Panama’s choice of bus slogan (last week’s Quote of the Week) is a great disappointment? Surely ‘A man, a plan, a canal, Panama’ could have been given an outing? Come on Panamanians, sort this out” – Graham Turvey.

“Regarding your response to David Sweet (last week’s World Cup FiveЯ letters) referencing ‘1,057 other cocoa-drinking readers’. Since when did The FiveЯ gain an additional reader? Did the new person join just because of The FiveЯ, or were they lured in by the original The Fiver? And, either way, why?” – Kevin Carter.

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THE RECAP

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BITS AND BOBS

Argentinian FA suits have apologised after a course held for players, staff and hacks about what to expect in Russia included a manual that offered a guide on how to pick up local women. “We regret that the error would have obscured the importance of the day’s lesson,” simpered a statement.

Dangerously linked with Arsenal in recent weeks, Joachim Löw has moved quickly to extend his Germany contract to 2022 and cut loose the 2014 World Cup final hero, Mario Götze, from his 2018 squad. “It wasn’t his best season,” murmured Löw.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Paniniesque portraits of Germany’s provisional World Cup squad on the national football museum in Dortmund. Photograph: Friedemann Vogel/EPA

Police will issue England fans with – hopefully – a more measured guide to “sensitive sites” in Volgograd, warning them not to sing inappropriate songs around them or hang flags on them to avoid provoking a violent reaction from locals.

Despite being named in a US Treasury investigation into drug trafficking in August 2017, Rafael Márquez may add to his 143 international caps after being named in Mexico’s preliminary squad for Russia.

Meanwhile, Dani Alves will not get the opportunity to add to his 3,975 career trophies after the Brazilian suffered knee-gah! playing for PSG in last week’s French Cup final.

STILL WANT MORE?

Daniel Taylor largely sticks up for Southgate’s selections, although wonders if John Stones and Danny Rose got a little lucky.

Paul Wilson on why Jack Wilshere and Joe Hart paid the price for an underwhelming end to the season.

A player-by-player ana1ysis of England’s 23 for the finals.

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Which way is that? Composite: PA; Action Images via Reuters; FA/Rex/Shutterstock; Soccrates/Getty Images; AFP/Getty Images; NurPhoto via Getty Images

Two more World Cup stunning moments: Rob Smyth recalls the magic of Josimar at Mexico 86 and Philippe Auclair ruefully remembers France’s implosion in South Africa in 2010.



LISTEN! LISTEN LISTEN! Boffins over in Big Website’s Audio Long Reads department have done this excellent podcast on the rise of Russia’s neo-Nazi football hooligans.

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