20:1 After the horrible tragedy at Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham decided it would be best to clear out of Canaan for awhile. He relocated his operation to the south in the kingdom of Gerar and just like that time before, when he visited Egypt, he chose to deceive people by telling everyone that his wife was his little sister and a pricey prostitute to boot. Well, she already established her talents as a prostitute anyway so maybe that part of his story was not such a lie.

The king of Gerar always had room to squeeze in one more harem hottie so he sent to have Sarah brought into the palace with the intention of, um… offering her a position on his staff. But before he managed to get around to introducing her to the royal romper room, the king had a dream wherein Yahweh appeared to him and said “I am so going to KILL YOU. You shouldn’t be doing another man’s wife.” To this the dreaming king replied “Now wait a minute, I haven’t even done her yet. Besides, they are just brother and sister so it’s no big deal really, she’s not a wife, she’s just a sister whore, honest.” Yahweh spoke again in the dream, “I know you didn’t do the dirty deed damn you. I would have prevented you from going all the way with her anyway. Now you give her back to my best friend Abraham or I swear to me, I’ll blast your kingdom to bits with my awesome power!”

The next morning the king told his people about the dream and they became very sad because Yahweh might blast them to bits with his awesome power. He sent for Abe and said to him “Hey what’s the big idea here? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? What sort of pimp would come in here lying about his hookers and get God all mad at me?” Abraham answered “I didn’t think you even gave a damn what God thought and also I was worried you would kill me if you thought she was my wife and not just some low life hussy available for total domination and subjugation. You know, a mere woman. Besides, she really is truly my sister, well, my half sister anyway. We have the same father so you could say it’s a half-lie I suppose.”

The king gave Abe a bunch of sheep and oxen and some human slaves, male and female, and a pile of silver. He then gave Abe a permanent visa to live in Gerar as long as he wanted and warned Sarah not to be whoring around so much like that anymore. Abe had a little talk with Yahweh and persuaded him to remove a curse which, as it turns out, the almighty had put on the women of Gerar in his rage that prevented any of them from becoming pregnant.

21:1 Yahweh paid a little visit to Sarah and at last, finally, after decades of promises, he allowed her to become pregnant. She had a cute little boy named Isaac and of course Abraham sliced off the fleshy tip of his new son’s penis with a sharp knife. Sarah said “Now that we have an heir to the family fortune, you can kick that bitch Hagar and her brat Ishmael to the curb.” Abe didn’t want to give the boot to his spare booty but Yahweh told him it was OK, and to go ahead and dump her. Abe gave Hagar one loaf of bread and a bottle of water as severance pay for her life of slavery and rapery and sent her wandering into the desert.

Hagar and her thirteen year old boy Ishmael wandered aimlessly until they ran out of water. As they sat there in the sand waiting to die, Yahweh heard the boy crying and sent a messenger angel to say “Don’t worry kid, don’t be sad. And you Hagar, stand up and get the boy up because Yahweh intends for him to play an important role in politics at some point.” She was made to suddenly realize that there was a lovely well of water right there nearby and she filled up her bottle. She and Ishmael stayed and lived out there in the desert. In his spare time the boy learned all about archery. Eventually his mother fetched him a nice wife from Egypt, so there’s that.

21:27 Meanwhile back in Gerar, Abe went to see the king again and took along seven female sheep. “Your men,” he complained, “have beaten up my men and taken control of a well that I dug my very own self. These ewes are yours if I’m lying.” Seeing as how Abe was good friends with Yahweh, the king didn’t want to be overly challenging of Abe’s claims so he made amends with him quickly and with a smile the king and his army agreed to stay way well out of Abe’s way and out well away from his well.

22:1 One fine morning the big moment finally came for Yahweh to give Abraham his most horrifying test yet. He spoke to him. “Abe, I want you to take your adorable little boy Isaac and go up to a mountain to be named at later date. When you get there, stab him with a big knife or cut his throat or something real bloody like that, and then put his dead body on a big stack of wood, drench it with lots of oil, light it on fire and burn his little body until it gets all black and crispy. You know how I like it done, do it like that.”

Naturally Abraham was terrified of Yahweh’s tremendous anger problem. He didn’t dare disobey. So the very next morning Abe took two men, his son Isaac, and some firewood on pack-donkeys, and set off on the three day journey to the mysterious mountain to be named later. When they arrived, Abe had the men stay at camp and watch the donkeys while he and Isaac hiked up the trail.

Isaac spoke to his father. “Um, dad? I’m carrying all this wood, and you have a torch and some oil, and a big sharp knife, but where is the unlucky farm animal? Normally we bring some poor animal along to slaughter for God’s enjoyment.” Abe hadn’t yet told Isaac that this was to be a human sacrifice and that Yahweh had ordered the boy murdered. So Abe dodged the question “Oh Isaac, you worry wart. Don’t fret about it. God will surely provide some sort of life form for us to destroy. Just keep hiking up the mountain with that big heavy pile of wood on your back.”

Abe nonchalantly started tying the boy’s hands which was confusing at least, and probably downright suspicious. Then Abe stacked all the wood on top of him and poured oil all over him, and that was really suspicious. Then Abe pulled out that huge knife and was about to cut the blood out of Isaac.

An angel had been hiding and watching nearby the whole time, as a sort of witness in the examination of Abe’s willingness to murder a helpless innocent child for Yahweh. The angel yelled “Wait a minute Abe! Don’t kill the helpless innocent child. Wow. You must be so incredibly terrified of God to do such a horribly evil thing. You are so totally willing to traumatize a defenseless little boy like this and prepared to commit a senseless murder. Good for you. Well done. You pass.”

Isaac was spared but after having gone to all this trouble and getting Yahweh’s appetite wet for blood, it seemed like a shame not to at least stab somebody or some critter or something. Abe looked around and noticed that God had caught a stray sheep by getting it tangled in some nearby bushes. Abe quickly grabbed a hold of the sheep and cut its throat so that blood went spraying everywhere and then he dragged the body over to the wood pile and burned it up. The angel yelled out “Excellent. Excellent. God is so very pleased with this weird gory barbaric display. Let it henceforth be known that Isaac shall have many children and they shall terrorize people with ease.”

Abe and Isaac went home and all in all, it was a pretty good day.

Next: No soup for you.

The Bible According to Brad

