“Women are no longer holding up their part of the societal bargain. Men were supposed to bring home the bacon and women were supposed to cook it.”

That may sound like a sentiment straight from a 1950s family sitcom—when dad was always right, and his brood listened (and obeyed) reverently—but it’s not. It was written in this century, in a book published this year—this week, actually—by a comedian who hosts (according to the Guinness Book of World Records) the most downloaded podcast on the planet.

How could that be? How could an adult male not employed by Fox News and seemingly popular with mainstream audiences in 2015 seriously think that women should stay in the kitchen and men . . . oh, wait, the author is Adam Carolla? Never mind, that makes sense.

Daddy, Stop Talking!, the new book by the former co-host of The Man Show and Lovelines, is exactly what you’d expect from a guy who’s had to repeatedly apologize to GLAAD and has been accused of sexism more often than Andrew Dice Clay. Which is to say, not for the thin-skinned, easily outraged, or anybody who regularly reads Jezebel.

We called Carolla to talk about the old-school parenting rules he thinks still work, and why his kids will be just fine if he doesn’t make it to their dance recitals and softball games.

Men’s Health: You start this book with a pretty bold statement: “This is the worst period in history to be a dad.”

Adam Carolla: That’s right.

MH: Worst in history? During the entire recorded history of humankind, fathers have never been more unfairly treated than they are today?

AC: Maybe there was a plague or something in the past, one that mainly affected dads, where it might have been marginally worse. But no, otherwise, this is it. These are the dark ages for fathers.

MH: How about biblical times? Fathers were being double-dared by an omnipotent creator to sacrifice their sons, and selling their daughters for 200 foreskins. You’re saying dads in 2015 have more right to complain?

AC: Okay, maybe it’s a lateral move from the bible dads. But that’s all I’m giving you.

MH: This feels like hyperbole.

AC: It used to be that the dad went out and worked and provided for his family. And then he’d come home, and the house would smell like pot roast, and there’d be slippers waiting for him by the front door. And that would be enough. But this is the first time in history when a dad will get the stink-eye for not making it to his daughter’s jump rope competition that takes place at 11am on Tuesday which I’m only missing because I have to go to work!

MH: But haven’t you ever been driving to a gig and you hear “Cat’s in the Cradle” on the radio and you tear up a little because you’re not with your kids?

AC: Never.

MH: Oh come on! You don’t have any sentimentality?

AC: Oh sure. I tear up every time I hear the Allman Brothers’ “Rambin’ Man.” That’s what gets to me. You want to make me cry, play a song about being on the road, loving a new lady at every town. And then when it’s over, putting my boots back on and getting back to rambling.

(Related: 8 Lessons All Dads Should Teach Their Kids.)

MH: Reading your book, at times it felt like Don Draper had written it. Do you romanticize those old-school cultural values?

AC: I think Don Draper got it right. If you take away the womanizing and alcoholism, it’s not too shabby a life. My wife is much better at raising kids than I am, and I am much, much better at making money than she is, and that’s a pretty good balance.

MH: But does being good at making money mean you don’t have to spend time with your kids?

AC: Hey, it’s a new world order. The kids are as busy as we are. It’s not like my son is standing in the back yard with a single tear running down his cheek, holding a soccer ball and waiting for me to pull up the driveway. I talked to my son before I left this morning, and I was trying to figure out when I could see him. Between his track practice and all the school crap he’s got to do, he’s busier than I am. You read all these articles about how it’s important to make time for your kids. Well, how about the goddamn kids make time for us?

MH: But we’re the adults, right? Shouldn’t we be the ones compromising? Isn’t that like saying, “If my kid isn’t going to say he loves me, I’ll be damned if I say it first?”

AC: No, I don’t think so. We let our kids get away with too much. Everything’s about accommodating them, making sure they feel validated and challenged intellectually every waking second of their life.

MH: And we shouldn’t be doing that?

AC: I often say this to my wife when she worries about it. You have to look at how you were raised, and how everyone was raised on the planet that came before you. Kids were heading off to work at mills and paper pulp plants at age 11. Then take a step back and ask yourself, “Is it good enough that our kids are raised just five times better than any generation that’s come before? Do we have to make it 100 times better?”

MH: There’s a recent study out of Northeastern University in Boston, looking at how fathers interact with their kids. They found that when dads spent more time with their children, they were less stressed about their jobs and less inclined to want to quit.

AC: Okay.

MH: Jamie Ladge, one of the professors who co-authored the study, said that we need to stop “promoting ideals based on outdated gender norms” and for fathers to start thinking about parenthood as a “time-consuming activity.” It doesn’t seem like you agree with this idea at all.

AC: A certain amount of interaction between a father and his kids is necessary, sure. But here’s where the scientists have it wrong. It’s not about logging the minutes you’re spending with your kids. Something’s not better just because it’s more time-consuming.

MH: But sometimes it is. The more time you spend with your wife, with your kids, with your parents, that’s a good thing ultimately.

AC: Let me tell you something. I’m not a scientist but I know what I’m fucking talking about. My kids, here’s what they need. They need a lot of interaction with their mommy. And they need some interaction with heir daddy. But mainly, they need to respect their dad. They need to say, “I don’t see my dad as much as I see my mom, but that’s okay because my dad busts his tail for this family.”

MH: Is that what they’re saying, or just what you hope they’re saying?

AC: They know the reason mama is driving a new Tesla and they get to go out and eat at the food court in the mall with the nanny is cause daddy’s working.

I’ll tell you what they don’t want to hear from me. They don’t want to hear, “Listen, kids. Daddy’s going to quit his five jobs. I’m just going to be hanging around the house in my bathrobe, with a beer in each pocket, and we’re not going to be able to afford any of the things you’ve gotten accustomed to. But that’s okay, because now we can spend copious amounts of time with each other. How's that?”

MH: What’s the last thing one of your kids did or said that made you feel like you’ve succeeded as a father?

AC: There are two boys in our house and three girls. The boys are me and my son. The girls are my wife, my daughter, and my Labrador Molly. So a few weeks ago, it was weird hair day at school, which as we all know is a kid’s ticket to Harvard.

MH: It’s the first thing an Ivy League school looks for.

AC: Absolutely, right. It’s like a straight pipeline right into Yale or Princeton. So my daughter has her hair looking like one of the chicks in the B-52s. And I’m looking at my son, and he hasn’t touched his hair. So I say to him, “Isn’t it weird hair day? Why aren't you doing anything to your hair?” And he just looked at me and said, “Doesn’t move the needle.”

MH: That is awesome.

AC: I was so in love with him.

MH: What a smart kid.

AC: It’s smart, right? Because the only reason for a guy to do anything to his hair is if it might get him laid.

MH: How old is your son?

AC: He’s eight.

MH: So that’s not an issue.

AC: He has no interest in sex of any kind. All he’s interested in is shooting hoops with a kid named Jenson. So he did the math, realized there’s no bonus points for weird hair day, and opted out. He’s like, “Why put a bunch of this dippity-doo on my head?”

(For practical ideas on how you can ace fatherhood, check out The Better Man Project. It’s a jam-packed user’s guide to every aspect of a man’s life, with more than 2,000 body hacks and fitness, nutrition, health, and sex secrets. All to make you a better man in every way that counts.)

MH: 30 years from now, what will your kids be saying about you? Will it be, “I didn’t realize just how much he was molding me into the compassionate, intelligent adult I am today?” Or will it be more like, “That miserable cunt. I hope he dies alone in that crappy one-bedroom apartment where he's been living since Mom dumped his sorry ass. Good riddance!”

AC: I’m pretty sure my daughter will be complaining that my fourth trophy wife is eight years younger than her. And my son hopefully won’t be living with me. That’s all I ask, that’s he’s gainfully employed. No, honestly, I just hope that they realize that their dad was hard working and realistic and focused on setting an example for them. I really do believe that the perfect balance for my kids—and just about every kid—is that Mommy is loving by example and Daddy is living by example.

MH: Meaning what?

AC: She loves the bejesus out of them, and I’m out there showing them that hard work never hurt anybody. If they’re siting in a therapist’s office 20 years from now, talking shit about me, I will go full-on Kool-Aid on their asses. I will come busting right through that wall.

MH: Look on the bright side. You’ll probably be dead in 30 years.

AC: Probably. And if they’re talking shit about me after I’ve gone, I’ll come back from the grave and choke ’em out!

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