Landing yourself a debut Vanity Fair cover story is a big deal. It means you’ve shown some promise and may soon find yourself among the upper echelons of the Hollywood glitterati. I assume this involves a weird sex ritual like at the end of Eyes Wide Shut.

Unfortunately, especially if you’re an attractive starlet, you may end up with a piece which is more of an exercise in masturbation than an actual article.

Please pray for Rich Cohen, who was so insanely horny when he wrote about Margot Robbie that he couldn’t help but blast straight out of the gate with one of the thirstiest ledes in living memory:

America is so far gone, we have to go to Australia to find a girl next door. In case you’ve missed it, her name is Margot Robbie. She is 26 and beautiful, not in that otherworldly, catwalk way but in a minor knock-around key, a blue mood, a slow dance. She is blonde but dark at the roots. She is tall but only with the help of certain shoes. She can be sexy and composed even while naked but only in character.

He continues, so unfathomably erect that he must launch directly into a question about movie sex scenes with nary a pause for breath:

I asked Robbie about the sex scenes. In Wolf, she partakes in some of the most graphic on-screen shenanigans I’ve ever seen, famously short-skirted in one scene, pushing a crawling DiCaprio away with the toe of her designer shoe, saying, “Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

To some Americans, Australia is still a place of exotic delights and beautiful women, not so much a real country as a kind of Hollywood mirage that must be curiously dissected from afar. Cohen has written a deeply baffling description of Australia that’s hard to get onboard with even with our constant sense of cultural shame.

Australia is America 50 years ago, sunny and slow, a throwback, which is why you go there for throwback people. They still live and die with the plot turns of soap operas in Melbourne and Perth, still dwell in a single mass market in Adelaide and Sydney. In the morning, they watch Australia’s Today show. In other words, it’s just like America, only different. When everyone here is awake, everyone there is asleep, which makes it a perfect perch from which to study our customs, habits, accents.

Nice. Nice. This is the good shit. Throwback people who love soap operas – how could we have produced such a stunning, delicate beauty as Margot. Nobody knows. Cohen does not.

As you might expect, people are thoroughly enjoying this profile.

thanks @VanityFair for letting America’s Greasiest Creepy Uncle profile Margot Robbie. it was illuminating if not for the reason you planned — Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant) July 6, 2016

i don’t get this Margot Robbie profile at all. pic.twitter.com/gDc886RxVz — Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 6, 2016

only tweeting bc this is a master class in how NOT to do a profile. overwritten, poorly-structured sexist drivel. https://t.co/2FvK8wI3gp — Maggie McGrath (@mcgrathmag) July 6, 2016

the Margot Robbie profile is actually very good if you just pretend it is about my parents’ dog, Robbie pic.twitter.com/UBWELBrhnI — Lindsay Zoladz (@lindsayzoladz) July 6, 2016

There you have it folks. Rich Cohen is an extremely horny man, and we have been subjected to his arousal via this profile.

Source: Vanity Fair.

Photo: Vanity Fair.