If your birthday is this week: Your new platoon leader likes your so much, he gives you a promotion. That is, assuming you think sensual massages on demand is a kind of promotion.

Aries: You will discover that just because you qualify as a sniper in the Army, some little shit on Xbox live can still kick your ass in Call of Duty.

Taurus: That insurgent that escaped the building your guarding sends you another picture from Bermuda. It looks like he’s having a nice time.

Gemini: The stars say, don’t worry about those civilians you bombed. Turns out the payload you dropped was actually hollow canisters that your crew was using to stash porn.

Lemini: The bad news is, you’ll be stop-lossed and sent back to active duty. The good news is, you’ll be part of a Pentagon boondoggle called “Operation Naked Cheerleaders”.

Cancer: You will be reprimanded by your C.O. for using a predator drone to find your lost car keys.

Leo: You mom’s care package is full of crumbs again. Maybe you should stop referring to the guy who handles your mail as “Specialist Douchebag”.

Virgo: You will discover that you can’t get out of the Army for being gay anymore, but the gay sex you did have gets you that promotion.

Libra: You will have such a bad week on patrol, the Taliban will send you a “Thank You” card.

Scorpio: This week, you’ll discover that while host an orgy isn’t technically against regulation, it is difficult to sustain the mood during a firefight.

Sagittarius: Your C.O. will nickname you “Private Puddin'”.

Capricorn: You medic will take the time while patching you up to tell you about his screenplay. Be nice.

Aquarius: You will find out that Osama is already dead. The guy you shot was just delivering pizza.

Pisces: Turns out the Navy is an adventure, especially when you borrow one of their ships to go sightseeing for the weekend.