How The Noob Trolled Christmas (2014)

(Last Year’s Holiday Season Post)

Every nerd down in Nerdville knew gaming a lot…

But the Noob, who lived just north of Nerdville, Did NOT!

The Noob bought the books, learning systems his reason.

He did all the reading, to prep for the season.

It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on too tight.

It could be, perhaps, that the words weren’t just right.

But I think the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his brain or the words,

He sat Christmas Eve, just watching the Nerds,

and stared down at his sheet with a confused noobie frown,

At the words, and the lines, and the stats written down.

For he knew every Nerd round the table he’s at,

knew the rules in-and-out… prob’ly even the cat!

“Now they’re rolling their skill checks!” his eyes showing fear,

“Perception, I think, is the thing I roll here?”

He fretted with his Noob fingers nervously drumming,

“I MUST find some way to stop combat from coming!”

For in combat, he knew, the Nerd lasses and lads,

Would see how little he knew, and get terribly mad!

And then! Oh, the noise!

Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!

NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the monsters, large and small, would sit down to a feast.

And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They would feast on elf-pudding, and rare dwarven belly,

with ground human bone bread, drenched in halfling feet jelly!

And THEN glorious valkerie, and heroic Space Knight,

They’d smack him, they’d punch him, they’d kick, and they’d bite!

He’d wobble all over, with his Christmas bells ringing.

They’d dump bees in his mouth, and then they’d start stinging!

They’d sting! And they’d sting! And they’d STING!

STING! STING! STING!

And the more the Noob thought of this Nerd Christmas thing,

The more the Noob thought, “I’m like a worm on a string!”

“Why, for fifty-three days I’ve read up on it now!”

“I MUST stop this combat from coming! But HOW?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

THE NOOB GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

“I know what to do!” The Noob laughed like a brat.

And rolled up a Mage, with a robe and a hat.

And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great sneaky trick!”

“With this robe and this hat, I look pretty slick!”

“All I need is black powder…” The Noob looked through the town.

But the GM said, “No way! There is none to be found.”

Did that stop clever Noob? No! The Noob promptly said,

“If I can’t find find black powder, I’ll make some instead!”

So he summoned some bats. Then he took a red bucket,

And he got them to poop, saying, “The GM can suck it!”

THEN he put it in bags with care and due time,

and filtered out crystals from the craptastic slime.

Then the Newb said, “Booyah!” and mixed charcoal on down,

then threw in some sulfur from the Mage Guild in town.

What!?! The GM allowed it! Tension now filled the scene.

All the Nerds were now fearing what’s behind GM’s screen,

when they encountered that night, the first monsters they’d seen.

“This is round number one,” the old GM now hissed,

And he laughed with delight, dice clenched in his fist.

He rolled crit on init! Twenty showed on the die!

Was Noob up to the challenge? The Noob could sure try!

He then rolled his init, and came up with a two.

The GM then laughed, and the Noob said, “Well poo!”

The party rolled badly, their heads hung down low.

“The goblins,” GM grinned, “are the first ones to go!”

Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,

Around the whole town, attacking the peasants!

Bakers! And Farriers! Enemies! Chums!

The healthy! The sickly! Rich peeps! And Bums!

They stuffed them in bags, then in a big wagon.

To feed, one by one, to the scary red dragon!

Then they slunk to the longhouse, and took the town’s feast!

They took the blood-pudding! They took the roast beast!

They cleaned out the treasure as quick as a flash.

Why, the Gobs even took the old glassware to smash!

Then they stuffed all the loot in a wagon with glee.

“And NOW!” grinned GM, “It’s your turn, you three!”

The Space Knight’s big Fighter declaring a charge,

Crashed their front lines like a runaway barge.

He turned around fast, lopping heads as he drew!

But he’s only first level, so… not more than two.

The elf Rogue belonged to Valhalla’s daughter,

It was Valkyrie’s turn to join in the slaughter.

She stared at GM and said, “Maple Man, why,”

“Why are you taking it easy here? WHY?”

But, you know, that old GM was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

“Why, my Valkyrie friend,” the Maple Man lied,

“It’s an act of good faith, you know I’m on your side.”

“I’m taking it easy, here in round number one,”

“to give Noob a chance. It will be much more fun.”

GM’s fib fooled his friend, and it settled her head,

He even poured her a ‘Dew. “You’re a wussy.” she said.

When Valkyrie went back to her seat with her cup,

He said to the Noobie, “Alright ‘Brawl You’re up!”

The Noob went to look for some kind of big pyre!

It wasn’t very hard. The whole town was on fire.

Of their walls there was nothing but rubble and wire.

GM said, “Close by, sparks have ignited a house.”

“But firefighters are there, and it’s already doused.”

He spent the whole round looking in the burnt houses,

for an ember to light the wick in his blouses.

They were now in round two, all the nerds filled with dread,

as Noob lit his bag, hefted overhis head.

Packed with charcoal, and sulfurous trappings,

Explosively mixed with crystal bat crappings!

Noob showed that he’d wrapped it in segmented wire,

and stuffed it with screws, and glass shards, and briar!

“PoohPooh to the Gobs!” he was savagely humming.

“They’re finding out now that NEANDERBRAWL’S coming!”

“At the startof round three, I know just what they’ll do!”

“Their mouths will hang open for a second or two,

Then the Gobs down in Sandpoint will all cry BooHoo!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Noob, “That I simply MUST hear!”

So he paused. And the Noob put his hand to his ear.

And the people did hear a sound rising, you know.

It started in low. Then it started to grow.

And louder, and louder, and louder, and LOUDER!

But it wasn’t BooHoo! It was whistling black powder!

The “WHUMP!” felt in Sandpoint could be felt in the eyes!

When the world shook, they saw a shocking surprise!

A small mushroom cloud where the Wizard stood tall,

with a growing shockwave, and no Wizard at all!

Screws, and debris, and glass shards and dowel,

Plaster, and fire, and pieces of bowel.

As skull chunks, and fingers, and bone shards flew by,

people took cover, or stood where they died.

“It cuts both your comrades and Goblins to rags!”,

“Also houses, and wagons, and peasants in bags.”

On break, Noob puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Noob thought of something he hadn’t before!

“Role Playing,” he thought, “doesn’t come from min/max.”

“Role Playing…perhaps…is about EPIC attacks!”

And what happened then? Well…in Nerdville they say,

That the Noobie’s thick skull grew three layers that day.

The minute his brain felt a little more tight,

He whizzed on a dumpster, under fluorescent light.

And he brought back a pizza, and wings for a feast!

And they rolled up again, to face evil’s beasts!

Whichever holiday you celebrate at this time of year, have a happy, and safe one.

Thanks again for reading!

Doc

(Last Year’s Christmas Eve Post)