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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I’m bigging up Baggage Reclaim for being thirteen years old, and I get into a subject I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while: the four qualities that we need for mutually fulfilling relationships and for our emotional needs to be met.

These are commitment to self, emotionally available, ownership (integrity, responsibility, maturity), and positive outlook. I came up with these because I talk to so many people who are on tenterhooks, especially in the early stages of dating because they’re looking for proof that this is “the one”. It’s too much!

Some nuggets from the episode:

“When we are aware of the four qualities, and we are striving to move towards them, striving to address anything that’s going on in our life that impacts on our ability to move towards them, then we are that much more available to ourselves and to our relationships.”

People keep trying to look for something on date one or date three or whatever that they can pin their hopes on and say, “Yes! This person is for me.” That’s just not how it works. People unfold. Relationships unfold.

“We can meet someone and get a vibe about them, but it takes time and experience to see where the land lies.”

We have to be aware of where we’re setting ourselves up for a fall. It’s one thing if we have a pattern of getting a good hunch about someone and it working out. It’s another thing when we keep setting ourselves up for a fall and going, “I think this person looks a particular way or they say that they’re into this particular thing that tells me that this kind of person”, and then discovering that they’re not, and then doing the same thing all over again.

Dating is there to help you become more conscious, aware and present about who you are and what you need. Whatever misconceptions, preconceptions, judgements, whatever we have about people, the experience of dating in and of itself is there to disabuse us of those notions.

Em (my husband) is into a few things (e.g. sci-fi, sports) that if I were of my old mindset, I could easily have written him off if I knew about them up front.

We’re often looking for hints and signs. Could this person take care of me? Will I feel safe and secure with them? Are they capable of intimacy?

When I used to date, I shrank because of my people pleasing where I was so over-attuned to what I thought they felt and wanted that I would try to be that.

When we’re emotionally available, we’re emotionally giving.

Links mentioned

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