EU to adopt ‘points-based’ system for British holidaymakers

British holidaymakers will be allowed into the EU based on points awarded according to how fat and annoying they are, it has been confirmed.

Points will also be deducted for the precise shade of cherry-pink people go after 48 hours in the blazing hot sun with no suncream.

The EU is to introduce the system in response to British proposals of a ‘points-based’ immigration system that would prevent people entering the country to do antisocial things like work and spend their money.

Describing the new system as ‘fair and proportionate’, the European Commission gave several examples of how the new holiday system will work, including ‘Dave’, an unemployed but curiously well-off used car dealer from Basildon and his 14-year-old son Nick who tries to smoke weed on the Ryanair flight to Marbella will get ‘Nul points’ and have to go on holiday to Margate instead.

Meanwhile, James and Jocasta, a pair of brand managers from Hemel Hempstead, and their three children Oliver, Amelia and Freddy, will get a hundred points and be allowed in to buy as much roquefort and La Cadence Cadigan as they like.

Points will be awarded on a number of criteria, including knowing the name of the capital city of the country you’re visiting, being able to speak any of the language, and whether visitors think it’s acceptable for a drink to be blue.

The system has been criticised by many on this side of the channel, who insist that points-based systems are only supposed to apply to other people and not them.