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Nick Saban waits patiently for the season to begin outside a row cryogenically frozen true freshmen.

Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. Roughly half of what he writes is untrue.

After multiple off-the-field incidents resulting in the suspension and dismissal of several key players, University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban will reportedly begin cryogenically freezing his entire team in the offseason.

In an emailed statement to the media, Saban said the football program is exploring every option to keep its players on the path to success.



"Becoming a champion is not easy," explained Saban. "It requires sacrifice, hard work and a lot of liquid nitrogen. It's all a part of the process."



The cryogenics program, according to University officials, may begin immediately pending approval from the NCAA.



"Once the athlete is frozen solid at minus 384 degrees Fahrenheit, there is practically no way for us to commit an NCAA violation," explained compliance coordinator Cason McGee. "The rule book is clear about how many protein shakes or granola bars we can give them, but there is nothing in there about administering cryoprotectant through intravenous therapy."



Others close to the football program say cryogenics would likely serve as a supplement to other character-building initiatives. Like most coaches, Saban has been known to invite motivational speakers into the locker room. If implemented, players would be frozen immediately following a motivational speech, thereby preserving their current mental state through the entire off-season.



Beginning in August, players would be "thawed" so they can return to practice. This would eliminate the possibility of players breaking team rules, the law, or transferring to another school to increase their playing time.

Quarterbacks will likely be the first to awaken from their cryonic suspension, followed by offensive linemen, linebackers, and cornerbacks. Kickers may not be unfrozen until game day, or just minutes before they become absolutely necessary. It is also likely Saban will force them back into their cryo-chamber should they miss a kick of 35 yards or less.



In an effort to help players better understand the entire cryonic process, offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin has been hard at work developing a series of instructional bitmojis, which are humorous cartoon avatars created for social media. Kiffin discovered the bitmoji app several weeks ago when he could have been discovering far more important things like additional running plays.

A "Bitmoji" of Lane Kiffin enthusiastically directing players to their new cryo-chambers.

Even though it appears Alabama has accounted for everything, some experts fear that even a short-term freeze could cause a loss in muscle tissue for the players. This could spell disaster for the defending national champions, which is routinely considered one of the strongest teams in the country. When asked if this concern had been addressed by the Tide's training staff, strength and conditioning coach Scott Cochran responded emphatically, "YEAH YEAH YEAH!"

Cochran provided more information on his strength program but nearby reporters had gone deaf by the third "YEAH."



Given the complexity of the cryogenic process, University staff will need extensive training on how to successfully freeze and thaw student-athletes. While no one with the athletic department would confirm, sources say the school has lured Tom Brokaw into one of the cryo-chambers for a test run. Should they fail, condolences will be sent to Mississippi using small words and short sentences.