No Big News For Bagels: The Bagel Industry Just Issued Its Daily 600-Page Report On The State Of The Bagel Industry And Nothing Major Has Changed Since Yesterday

Bagel fans can take it easy today, because the bagel industry just issued its daily 600-page report on the state of bagels, and nothing big has changed since yesterday. The phonebook-sized volume, which is published every day in 76 countries around the world in 254 languages, reported this morning that pretty much everything in the bagel world remains relatively constant.

“Cream cheese is basically the same as before, and bagels still have holes in them most of the time. Nothing new to share,” the report states in a passage found on page 276, a little less than halfway through the massive publication. “Most bagels are round, which is consistent with our findings from yesterday,” reads another notable excerpt from a 150-page subsection of the report analyzing the shape of bagels.

Well, looks like things are about the same for bagels. We’re looking forward to seeing if tomorrow’s 600-page volume reveals any meaningful bagel changes.