Name: Stripes.

Age: Younger than us.

Appearance: Really?

Younger than us? I’m pretty sure things have been striped since the 1950s, at least. My mum had a skirt. And there are rainbows. And zebras. And sabre-toothed tigers. They’re ancient. Sabre-toothed tigers are usually thought to have been plain or spotted, but I take your point.

Thank you. I am talking about very regular, crisply rendered stripes, which are a relatively modern phenomenon and one we evolved without.

And why are you suddenly talking about modern, crisply rendered stripes? Scientists think they may be the trigger for some migraines and epileptic fits.

Really? Yes. Research from the Netherlands and the US just published in the journal Current Biology suggests that looking at intensely stripy things causes an increase in gamma oscillations in the brain, which are associated with headaches and seizures.

What does this mean? It means that you shouldn’t eat a Wall’s Viennetta while wearing a pinstripe suit in a room full of venetian blinds.

Zebras have irregular patterns of stripes, which are easier for our brains to process. Photograph: Riccardo Gangale/AP

I see. It seems that our brains are not designed to cope with such extreme regularity, as it doesn’t occur in nature. The researchers found that once they distorted the lines slightly or blurred their edges, the oscillations died down.

I do always feel a bit weird when I look at escalators and stuff. My eyes go funny. That is because your brain is going funny.

Because these kind of stripes aren’t supposed to be happening? Exactly. Your brain has a sort of zebra-comfort zone. Anything that could be used as camouflage as you roam the savanna is processable. Anything that requires a geometry set or computer to design – not so much.

I’d better cancel that seven-layer cake I ordered for my birthday. I don’t want to set anyone off. Actually, horizontal stripes aren’t as bad as vertical.

Why? No one knows. Maybe our brains are just clever enough to make an exception that allows for pudding. You could have that Viennetta too.

NOW it’s a party. Happy birthday to you.

Do say: “Another reason to ban venetian blinds – hurrah!”

Don’t say: “Can I still watch the 1981 military buddy comedy movie Stripes, starring Bill Murray?”