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I have always lived in semi-self isolation. The rest of the world is just catching up.

The predicament that we are all in currently actually makes me feel a bit more normal, if you know what I mean. I almost never go out. I never hang out with friends. I pretty much have no friend, to be honest. I rarely talk to anyone. I do have a few close acquaintances that I keep in touch for certain things, related to, you know, what you need to do to be alive in this world, but other than that, I really have no friend.



When I do go out, I absolutely hate every minute of it. I hate seeing other people walking, talking. I hate seeing other people getting so close to each other, making out, or having a great time. I have never had any of that in my life. Well, a brief moment sometime in my life. But other than those brief glitches, this has been my life. A life spent in semi-isolation.



I even rarely talk to anyone. So much so sometimes I feel like one day I am going to completely lose my ability to speak.



Ever since I wrote my last book, it felt as though a part of me has gone. I am now incapable of writing. I feel I have written everything into my last book. Half of my life is now written in that last book. Also I'm now quite busy with other things so I don't have time to write or read again. I mean reading literature and philosophy. When I had more free time, I always loved reading philosophy. But now I don't even have any books around.



At this point I don't really know what to write anymore. I don't feel any anguish anymore. I don't feel any pain, any sorrow, any hatred, or any discomfit. Am I happy? Well, I am not sad. Am I content? Well, I am not discontent. I think I am getting old. Perhaps? Or perhaps this is how a woman feels. She feels nothing, no great happiness, no great sadness. Just the calmness of nothing. A woman who can never fathom the deep emotion, the great monstrosity of a man. She who lives her life in emptiness, in petty things, sitting there, being pretty. I think. I don't know. I can't even write anymore because I haven't read any book for almost a year.



I can't focus either. Everything just feels empty now.



On the other hand, well, I guess this is just how it's supposed to be then.



So it was true. This is how the world ends. Not with a bang but with a "Meh".