If you ever wondered what it was like to live in the early 80s, when diabetes was apparently a foreign concept to scientists and parents, live in the shadows no more. Sate your curiosity and travel with me to the land of Kool-Aid:

No need to get your eyes checked for you’re reading that correctly: in 1983, Marvel Comics teamed up with Kool-Aid for The Adventures of Kool-Aid Man, a whopping 60 cent value! In this issue, our intrepid hero, the Kool-Aid Man, must battle the dreaded Thirsties in a game of baseball.

After a “long, hard softball game on a very hot day,” the Smalltown Sluggers discover that their local snack shack is closed and the water fountain has been tampered by the nefarious Thirsties. Fortunately, the K-A Man (as I’ll take to calling him. Typing Kool-Aid is just so difficult) makes his patented entrance through a wall, somehow managing not to spill any of the precious red food dye-enhanced water along the way.

After wrapping hot dogs around the Thirsties throats, presumably in a psuedo-sexual act, the K-A Man is introduced to the team who are inexplicably wearing USC football uniforms. I thought you were better than this, Sigmund Smart:

Also, I don’t know who that pie-faced rube is, but rule number one of chaperoning is this: don’t let your team hop on a “cool copter” with anthropomorphic carafes.

Back at Number One Kool-Aid Plaza (the Kool-Aid headquarters, natch), and after stopping a Thirstie attack on a beach volleyball, the group invites the K-A Man to their next game:

Kool-Aid’s response is also my standard response to questions like that. “Oh, you want to hang out sometime? Well, gee, battling Thirsties is a 24 hour job."

The next day, at the baseball game that was promised to us on the cover of this fine publication, Coach Williams reminds the team of how important their game against Lakeview is:

Why is it important? What’s on the line? Who knows because they never tell us. I’m guessing it’s health care to pay for their much-needed insulin injections after constantly guzzling Kool-Aid.

The team runs out to the field, but like all deadbeats, the Kool-Aid Man is nowhere to be found.

Sigmund’s right, that was rash and selfish of me to jump to such a conclusion.

However, with the K-A Man not around, it leaves the poor unsuspecting fans of the Lakeview and Smalltown ballclubs open for attack.

I don’t…I mean, I don’t understand. So…the Thirsties are wearing costumes? Is there a tiny, naked man under there? Am I missing a crucial piece of Thirstie continuity by not reading Adventures of Kool-Aid Man #1?

Also, because this is a baseball comic, we have the standard stolen base gag:

How this is making people thirsty, I don’t really know. I guess some people just like to watch the world burn.

While hiding in the woods nearby, putting on sunglasses and scheming for their next move, we get to see a little of the vaunted Smalltown Sluggers in action. Mickey Richardson slashes a ball to the gap and, with his 70-grade speed, challenges for an inside-the-park home run. But as he slides in, those nasty Thirsties reference John Lennon:

Not to get all political here, but a robot umpire would never had an issue with this play.

Finally, when the children no longer can stand being terrorized by these sun-shaped demonic hellfire creatures, they summon the Earth’s protector: Kool-Aid Man, complete with Kirby-esque two-page spread:

But I wonder:

1. Did the Kool-Aid Man have to destroy the field to make his entrance? Is that a contractual stipulation?

2. Killer pun, bro.

With the K-A Man back in action, the Thirsties are quickly dispatched thanks to his quick thinking and great composure on the mound.

With play ready to resume, we learn one final lesson. Is it that we must ensure that all peoples have access to clean drinking water? No! It’s that everyone’s a winner when you have Kool-Aid!

I’ll tell you, the Kool-Aid Man has some serious TWTW.

But don’t think this story is all the comic has to offer. For those of you who crave interactivity, what with your video games and such, this issue is packed with bonus adventures. Just print out the fun puzzles below and be sure to take them with you on your next road trip for upwards of ten minutes of enjoyment!

Just a hint: I don’t think 7 Down is "Butt."

And for more comic book weirdness, why not check out the time Batman stopped Two-Face from robbing a stadium or when Casper went back to the start of the National League? They are all equally educational.