At some point in college I became obsessed with an instructional how-to series made available to children in the 50’s, which were shown on film reels during class. Surprisingly the VHS still hadn’t completely replaced these magical film reels until around the early 90’s (kind of cool to think about!) I remember sitting in class one day and watching “Lice Are Not Nice,” a film spelling out the dangers of lice in schools on the outdated yet satisfying projector screen. I was a confused 1st grader who had misheard and misread the title, and wondered why nobody was lying in the video. My Mom, helping out in the class that day had to tell me afterwards that it was called “Lice Are Not Nice,” not, “Lies Are Not Nice.” How the hell could I have just sat there through 15 minutes of straight up anti lice propaganda and then wondered, these kids are not lying at all! And why is their Mom using a special comb to get out these weird bugs named lice?? Are they lying about the lice??

In any case, there was one company that pretty much held the monopoly on how-to films. If you wanted to know how to do anything, you fucking went to Coronet! They knew how to do everything! How to better spend your leisure time, how to say no and even how to face reality itself! The one I have used most in my life however, is titled, “What To Do On A Date.” Perfect! I always wanted to learn how people from the 50’s went on dates! So let’s see what happens!

The story begins with Nick. Nick is kind of an awkward kid as you get to know him, and the sweet voice of the classic 50’s narrator comes in, and right off the bat announces, “This is a story about what to do on a date… Of course, you may not have a problem about what to do on a date, but Nick… well he has a real big problem.” Jeepers creepers, that is brutal!! This kid apparently doesn’t know shit about anything. The vintage 1950’s narrator is probably the nicest guy on the planet (to white heterosexual males anyway) and yet he still doesn’t have any faith to even his favorite type of person! Good thing Nick has dating expert Jeff as his friend. As we will find out, his advice and guidance will be absolutely necessary as the film continues.

So what is Nick’s problem? Well, he has Kay’s number, but he is too scared to call and ask her out (I have been there too buddy) Normally I just hide behind my keypad and text or facebook message her instead, but Nick is from the 1950’s so he actually has to interact with another human’s voice to pull this off. RAAAAATS! Jeff helps to get him mentally ready for the conversation and suggests that he go with him and his girl on a double date to help out at the scavenger sale. Now, taking a girl to a scavenger sale sounds real fuckin weird to me, but it also sounds interesting and different! Nick is unsure just like I was, and replies back to Jeff, “That’s no place to take a girl on a date… Kay’s a swell girl.” He wants to take her to the movies, a more usual, but safer option. Jeff concedes and realizes its good enough that Nick is going to attempt something that takes a lot of guts, calling a girl and personally asking her on a date! I could have used a friend like that right next to me as I slowly spun that 50’s rotary phone around, waiting for someone to answer. Scary! Kay answers… And he sticks with the movie option!

Nooooooooo! Don’t settle for the field goal, that’s boring and predictable! Bring out your offense and finish the drive! Ask her to help out at the scavenger sale!! Interactions! Fun! Your friend Jeff will be there and help you not be a gigantic awkward puddle too! Nick unfortunately decides to bring out the field goal unit, and nervously asks Kay if she’d like to go to see “Wagon Train.”

Oh no! She has already seen it!! Nick is baffled and doesn’t know what to do. HE IS IN SCRAMBLE MODE AND CALLS A TIMEOUT TO CONSULT WITH JEFF! I have to admire Jeff for not going crazy when Nick asks him what to do next and saying, WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU TO DO THIS WHOLE TIME!!!! He calmly suggests the scavenger sale to him instead, and Nick brings out his offense and goes for it on 4th down…. Kay answers… “Oh I have been hearing about that, yes I’d like to very much!” FIRST DOWN! Omg Nick, you were so close to botching that but you did it! Community Center… fuckin 7 PM lets do it!

We now cut to the community center. The narrator comes in. “Now…you may not have thought of this sort of thing as a place to take a date, but it looks like it could be fun… A group, doing things together.” I think this is pretty cool! And the date appears to be going well! A bit awkward, but fine! Kay informs Nick she is really happy he thought of coming here. He quickly says, “me too.” Jeff looks down from a ladder at his answer with a sly smile. You truly are the best Jeff! Even if Nick is taking all the credit for your god damn idea. Did you guys think the 1950’s didn’t have wingmen?! Think again, because Jeff is on top of his shit!

But where does Jeff get his ideas?? Aha! It’s a list of community events on the door, and there are so many good ones! A bike trip, a weenie roast, swimming meets (hahahahahaha…..no) So many different options! So how do you know which one she’ll like, huh Jeff? “Well…you might ask her.” DUH NICK!! But I know being straightforward wasn’t something I mastered until a bit after college, so I’ll give Nick the benefit of the doubt. Luckily Kay and Nick get to sit together discuss this over bottles of coke and sandwiches, yummmmmmmmmmm!

Turns out she doesn’t like fancy things much, she likes miniature golf and baseball games and even taffy pulls!!! (I really really would like to go on a date to a taffy pull, lemme know!) They decide to go to the weenie roast. “Yes Nick, it’s a date!” I love Kay for that last line. Dating in this day and age is always this weird emotional roller coaster of miscommunication over all sorts of various forms of social media. Not with Kay. “Hey, want to go to the weenie roast with me?” “Yep, and when we go, its going to be a our second date, thus telling you that this shit we just did now was our first date.” Her ability to communicate with Nick is just… swell, and we should all take notes!

This is a video that was not only helpful in the 50’s, but one that we should still keep in mind today. The only serious adult relationship I have been in started with a weenie roast that I had planned, based off of this video. We went into the forest and made a fire and roasted hot dogs and it was swell (if I may be so bold) We didn’t have electronics, so we were able to talk to each other without burying our faces in our cell phones. We also had to build a fire, which took about 30 or so minutes. And it was kind of frustrating! But we figured it out and we figured it out together! We ate something that we more or less made and we watched a sunset! And it was all because of that video.

In the film the narrator says something really important about the dates they suggest you do. He says dates are “a chance to learn the give and take of working and playing together.” This is SO important, especially now. We are constantly looking at phones, updating our status, texting and generally being buried in our own electronic world. Sometimes it’s important to just be with someone in an environment where you get to talk and be a part of an event that is happening live. After my weenie roast date I didn’t know everything about her, but I got to solve a problem with her, eat, laugh, and truly connect for 2 hours. If you can do all that in a 2 hour period then isn’t that a good enough reason to set up all your dates 1950’s style!?