Arbrecology – a bad seed

In the same vein as electronic gem therapy, homeopathy, miracle mineral solution, sun-gazing, ear candling and more, a new medical scam has popped up on the internet, and is calling itself ‘Arbrecology‘. Brought to my attention by 16 year old scientific skeptic Rhys Morgan of MMS fame, it is yet another blow to internet based science bloggers who have in recent times been doing their utmost to dispel alternative medicine quackery in all its forms.

Twaddle though it may seem, the story of arbrecology is as follows. Legendary Welsh madman, Myrddin Wyllt (primary inspiration for the creation of Arthurian wizard Merlin) recorded the ‘Liber Arborum’ (The Book of Trees) sometime in the 5th or 6th century. The Liber Arborum contained the formalised and prescribed method of an ancient healing method (arbrecology) that encompassed the insertion of seeds into the skin to cure illness. Clever Myrddin foretold his own death and as a result gave the book to a druidic circle for safekeeping, but those bloody druids couldn’t look after anything and the book was subsequently lost during the made up ‘War of the Druids’. As good fortune would have it, a copy of the book was made in Latin before the original was lost, and a small line of druids continued to practice the healing method in secret (they were insane).

So, to cut a long and bullshit story short, Leonardo da Vinci (seriously) gave up on trying to translate a copy of the Latin book and as such, the fame-whore that was legitimate medicinal practice stole the limelight that arbrecology was due. In 2007, a batshit-insane energy healer called Krystal M. Betula had been having a series of dreams about a ‘great power’ hidden in a Welsh university’s ancient records collection (the Latin for Betula is ‘Fagus’, who happens to coincidentally be a celtic/druid god of beech trees by the way). Through an amazing stroke of luck, and the help of a law-breaking librarian (pah!), Krystal inadvertently unearthed a complete Latin transcript of the Liber Arborum. She copied it and circulated it amongst her mental friends across the country, who are now reintroducing the ‘ancient’ practice to the benefit of…..everyone?

Arbrecological methods involve handing over £25 to permit a trained professional arbrecologist *giggle* to make a small incision in your skin and insert a seed that is specific to both your illness and personality. The process is tailor made to allow for the fact that your personality may better represent a conifer seed instead of a willow one or a mehh muhh bleeehhh bluuuuhh… Anyway once the seed is implanted, it develops into ‘micro plants’ that then feed on harmful toxins in your body.

How do they do this I hear you demand? Well…..this is where the bollocks magic happens. Apparently ‘the sympathetic powers of the growing seed build up a quantum differential field which will remove dangerous toxins’. Over time, once healed, the body then absorbs the micro plants and you’re fighting fit again.

Overtly more absurd and laughable is the homeopathic method, which is undertaken through the application of ‘sympathetic congruence’:

“The experienced practitioner carefully grips an appropriate seed in his right hand and a specially cleansed and neutralised solution in his other hand and after some ancient incantations, he proceeds to vigorously shake them in unison, mimicing [sic] the succussions employed by the ‘common’ homeopath. During this process, the healing power of the seeds resonate through the body of the experienced abrecologist and are imprinted on the solution in his other hand.”

Additionally worrying is the claim that ‘arbrecoprophylactics’ are for sale. The official website professes that ‘one immunisation with one of our influenza arbrecoprophylactics [will protect you] for life from ALL strains of influenza, including the deadly swine flu’. Of course, inserting foreign objects into people for money and making impressive claims about the entire process makes a very strong case for medical malpractice (and innuendo).

Xenografts (the transplantation of living matter from one species to another) raise a huge number of legal and ethical issues, which I hope would be strictly dealt with when dealing with another ridiculous alternative medicine that peddles overpriced and dangerous nonsense to both gullible people with a lack of knowledge of how the human body and science in general operates, and more desperate people possibly seeking a last resort. It is perhaps a little more understandable that some clients fall for alternative medicine scams when they aren’t particularly well acquainted with the flaws of the internet and see testimonials like this on quack product pages:

“All I can say is wow! For years I was chronically tired and run down. My digestive system was a mess. I was diagnosed with having Candida albicans by a chiropractor, but he wasn’t successful despite many manipulations. I tried a multitude of natural therapies, including Golden Seal, Echinacea and Phellostatin, but nothing seemed to work for me. I even tried Nystatin in desperation but this just made me feel worse, of course – it’s allopathic. I stumbled across Arbrecology almost by accident. After the initial consultation, a larch tree seed was implanted. After just two weeks, I began to feel better. My energy levels increased 100%, my skin has never looked better. I can even eat carbs without getting that ‘bloated’ feeling.”

Rhys Morgan spoke to me about this latest scam :

“Arbrecology reads like a spoof website. Some of the claims they make are so outlandish that I can’t tell if it’s a hoax or not. Then again, after seeing homeopathy and MMS, it plants seeds of doubt in my mind. I hope for patient’s sakes it is. Arbrecology has the chance to cause some serious harm”.

There is some debate online as to whether Arbrecology is all an elaborate prank. If the doubters are proved correct, then the pranksters have succeeded in showing how easy it is to create a legitimate looking website that can exploit a misunderstanding of science, and manipulate certain types of people into believing and subscribing to pseudoscience. Time will tell, but if the Arbrecology website soon starts accepting online payment for its ‘services’, itt would suggest the scientific skeptics have yet another bubble to burst.