One of the many ridiculous dates, in my ridiculous life!

I was talking to him on tinder for a couple weeks. I was finding it hard to fain interest in small talk and intrigue with endless dates that went nowhere. I had just finished volleyball when he texted me…



“So are we actually going to meet?”

I convince myself to be positive… you never know.

“Sure, Where do you want to go?” We agree on a local coffee shop and I tell him I will meet him there.



“Actually I don’t have a car right now, can you pick me up?”

Ugh… he did just move from Montreal, so I decide not to judge. He’s not getting in my car though, so I tell him I’ll grab coffees and we can go for a walk… In my 5 minute drive home to change he has already texted me 7 times.



“Don’t come up to the door”, “just text me and I’ll come out”, “are you sure you don’t want to go out?”, “Don’t worry about getting dressed up”

Geezus!!! This guy.

Reg Flags be dammed… I go. When I pull up to his house I text him as he directed, and out walks a 6’5” lanky white man, wearing a flat brimmed backwards hat, 2 gold chains, skate shoes, baggy pants, a shirt that is 2 sizes too big and Diamond earrings in both ears… and I die a little inside Begrudgingly I get out of the car and give him an awkward side hug while passing him his coffee.



“Sorry I couldn’t come meet you, my mom’s being such a dick!” He says in a dopey voice that tells me he just finished smoking a joint.

“Ohhhh… geez…” Ew, he still lives with his mom?! Did he just call his mom a dick?!

“I got a DUI like 5 years ago and now I wanna have a beer with lunch and she thinks I’m an alcoholic!”

“yaaaaaaaa that sucks” I try to sound empathetic. “Soooo you’re a contractor hey?”

“Mmm, yah, I built that house, I built that house, I built that house” he points to each house on the block as we walk by. “It’s pretty sweet, Walk to work, walk home for lunch, mom makes my lunch… well, actually I haven’t worked in like 3 months. I hurt my back, and my boss wanted me to take a box of shingles up to the roof and I was like, I can’t, I hurt my back. Then he called me a waste of skin and sent me home, so I’ve been on WCB for a few months. It’s pretty sweet… just hanging out, drink some beer, hang with friends, you know.”

Is this guy for real? I wonder how long I have to walk for before I gracefully suggest walking back.



“Cool… so you’re liking it here then?”

“It’s ok, people are kinda dicks here tho.”

“Mmm yah…lotsa dicks…” what the fuck, who is this guy?! I notice a scar on his neck, and decide to ask him about it. “Oh Geez, what happened to your neck?”

“Oh, I got cancer like 3 years ago, I was in the hospital for like 6 months, lost my house and went into debt like $75,000, then my girlfriend left me, but then I kicked cancer’s ass! I got out and I tried to get together with friends and shit, but it just seemed like everyone was always busy. So, I was like whatever, you guys are a bunch of dicks, and I moved here to live with my mom”

What the fuck just happened… how is this guy telling me nothing but the absolute worst, craziest things about himself. How do I even respond to that??

“Woowww… that’s sucks”

I gave it my best shot, what can I say?! I suggest walking back, and explain how tired I am from volleyball

“So have you been on the market long?”

“Not really, it’s been just over a year, I was with my husband for 14 years, so dating is a bit new for me”

“Oh ya! Me too, me too, it’s been like 15 years since I was single!” He can’t believe it himself!!

“What? Didn’t you just say you got cancer like 3 years ago and then your girlfriend left you?”

“Yaaaa, like not with like 1 women, with like a bunch of women”

“Mmm, yaaaaa”. That’s the same…

“Actually my last two girlfriend both broke up with me on Christmas!” Hahahaha!! WTF!! Disbelief and outrage come over his face and I try hard not to laugh out loud.

I lost actual words about halfway back to the car, and mostly just made agreeing noises that resembled words. I walked so fast on the way back I could’ve beat Shaul Ladany, Israelian speed walker to the car. I’ve dreamt about telling men all sorts of crazy things on a bad date and seeing how long it would take for them to leave, but this was something else. I’ve never had someone tell me this amount of horrible crap about themselves in such a short period of time. Maybe the joint he smoked before our date had ruined any and all filters he may have had. Or maybe, dating is like a bag of dicks… You never know which kind you’re gonna get!

That girl elle,