Republican presidential hopeful and Muppet surgeon Ben Carson made waves Thursday with his daring new plan to stop women from getting abortions. Building on the logic of his controversial comment about mass shootings from early October, the doctor argued that fetuses should take a more aggressive stance against their attackers.



“I said before that people should rush an active shooter,” said Carson, doing an above average job of stringing words into a coherent sentence. “Likewise, fetuses should go after anyone who invades the sanctity of the womb, and they should go after them with everything they’ve got,” he continued, losing all that good momentum he had built up in the first clause.



“I want to plant in people’s minds what I would do in a situation like this,” Carson explained to an uncomfortable-looking woman at a bus-stop. “As an embryo in the first trimester, I would not just sit there and allow a crazed obstetrician to administer a fatal dose of mifepristone and misoprostol. I would rush him, you know, I would writhe around in there and defuse the situation.”



Villainous women who seek to have their pregnancies terminated criticized Carson’s declaration that “unborn children in the womb are excessively inert and, by implication, at fault for their own abortion.” Carson later clarified his stance: “I do not condone abortion attempts — I am just saying what I would do if, God forbid, I were put in that situation as a developing blastula.”



Carson announced his bold plan just weeks after the doctor revealed in an interview that he would not abort baby Hitler if given the chance. When asked again this week if he still stood by that sentiment, Carson reaffirmed his position, saying “yes, I still wouldn’t kill fetus-Hitler. Hell, if I were in the room when it was happening I would encourage the little guy to fight back and even take a few swings at the doctor myself.”



After a public outcry regarding his hard line pro-Hitler’s-life stance, Carson did back down from his position a bit, stating “at the very least I would encourage Mrs. Hitler to consider adoption for her little boy.”