Strange Crosses And Bubblegum

by Peartree

Assigner’s Note (Admiral Fartmore): I wonder if Archie would have sided with the Nazis. Jughead for sure.

The Girl Who Loved the Swastika taught me the difference between good and bad. God, America, and bubble-gum? All good. Nazis, Russians, and rape? All bad. That said, these views aren’t always universal. Almost everyone agrees on the rape. There aren’t many people on the pro-rape side of the argument, even rapists probably don’t go so far as to say it’s a good thing. There are a few people on the pro-Nazi side, like white-supremacists and neo-Nazis, but still most are still on the anti-Nazi side. Russians are definitely pro-Russian, as I’m sure a lot of people are, so that one’s probably split. Even if you don’t like Putin it’s hard to say all Russians are bad. But let me tell you why they are bad: because according to this book, they are all a bunch of rapists.



This short graphic novel follows the life of young Hansi, a girl who loves the swastika. Written by Al Hartley, one of the notable Archie comic writers, and released by Spire Christian Comics, it was based on the autobiography of Maria Anne Hirschmann and boy howdy she loved that swastika and all it represented. And don’t go whining to her if you’ve lost your love for it.

Your wavering commitment to Nazism just got smacked the fuck down bud!

Hansi becomes one of Hitler’s Youths and finds that Jesus was an imposter (impostering what I’m not sure, maybe that he was a saviour and that Hitler is the actual saviour?) and believes that “science” and Mein Kampf is the true word. So Jews are now an “inferior race” to her, although she never meets any. But life doesn’t go as planned in her little intolerant world: Although she meets a nice young Nazi and falls in love, Hitler kills himself and she gets taken to a Russian labor camp.

Now remember how rape is real bad. That’s important. Because Russians rape all the girls! Except Hansi. She’s too skinny. That’s another thing I learned from this book, Russians are like Sir Mix-A-Lot. It’s odd that it’s ok for random characters in the story to go through incredible trauma but for the protagonist would be too much for the reader. All those other women had lives (fictious or real) but we forgo their trauma and suffering so we can continue rooting for the special one central to our current story. Like Hartley wanted to make the cruelties of war apparent but not too close to home.

I just can’t help myself, I’m actin’ like an animal, now here’s my scandal

But thankfully Hansi and a little child manage to escape, a bunch of the other girls also tried to escape but they either got shot or dragged back to the camp. It certainly wasn’t an escape like the film “The Great Escape”. Instead of spending months or years preparing for what they would do outside of the prison still being stuck within enemy territory they just made a run for the forest some old guy pointed to. A good prison break needs planning. Emotions are too high to be unprepared. But anyway, as I already spoiled it, Hansi managed to escape.

Once in West Germany she finds some American soldiers chewing bubble gum and reading Archie comics in a cozy mountain cottage where they take the girls in and get them to the Red Cross (the regular good kind ). Hansi gets a job as a teacher, finds out her starter-dick is still alive and they get married. But it’s tough because they don’t love Jesus. So just as Mr. Hartley did with his own marriage, they became born again Christians and BAM! problem solved. They move to America, become citizens, preach the good word, and start banging to get some kids. Their first encounter with America is summed with this amazing drawing.

As soon as she steps off the flight she sees hippies smoking marijuana and playing guitar, a backpacker with the dopest beard anyone could ever hope to grow and a fly chick on his arm, a huge man with a bicorn hat and a white fur vest, an african couple straight out of “Coming To America”, and some purple hair and mustachioed man wearing a fishnet shirt. So obviously she starts to fucking love America. She gets all proud and boastful again. But how does she know that her pride in America won’t lead to the same shameful pride she had in Nazism? One reason, God blessed America.

Since the Nazis denouced God for “science” God punished them. But Americans can be unabashedly proud of their country, just as they should be, since God blessed them. Never in the history of the world has God been on the side of a people like He is for America. Except maybe Elisha from 2 Kings 2:24. God had that guy’s back and wasn’t putting up with any bullying. But anyway, aside from that guy, God’s with America. And maybe the Vatican. But no matter how messed up America may get you can’t change the past, and Americans are the good guys and I for one thank them for stopping the Nazis and Russians. You can never take that away from them.