The 26 year-old shares about emigrating to the U.S. (Las Vegas) from Mexico (Puruandiro in Michoacan) at 8, his fear of his hard-drinking and volatile migrant-worker father, “passing” for white, his body dysmorphia and the struggle today to feel his feelings rather than shutting down.

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Episode Transcript:



Paul Gilmartin: Welcome to episode 136 with my guest listener, Juan Medina, my name is Paul Gilmartin, this is the Mental Illness Happy Hour. An hour or two of honesty about all the battles in our heads from medically diagnosed conditions, past traumas, uh what else do we got? Uh difficulty with sexuality and intimacy and just your average — average day, I’m not gunna start it over. Everyday negative compulsive thinking. This show is not meant to be a substitute for professional mental… you don’t know how hard it was for me to not stop and go back and do that but I am trying to be more comfortable with making mistakes and um it is just, it’s like sandpaper on my flesh right now that that I’m not allowing myself to go back and re do that, but i know you guys relate to that. The website for this show is uh I forgot, completely forgot where i was. Um the web, oh an hour or two, oh I said that already. Oh my god, on a certain level this is awesome. Um. The website for this show is uh mentalpod.com. Please go there and check it out; Read a blog, post in the forum, support it, buy a t-shirt, buy a coffee mug, um fill out a survey, see how other people filled out a survey, um just go look at the logo. Maybe you just stare at the logo and ease those pants off. I bet there’s somebody that’s turned on by vintage station wagons. Let’s get into it, huh?

This is an email i got from uh Tamara, and she says in your help section it would be useful if you had some links for family members of people with mental health issues; depression, bipolar etc. How can you help/support an adult family member who is suffering from such a disorder but who is in complete denial and unwilling to acknowledge their reality as their life is crumbling around them. I don’t know the answer to that um but I can tell you I have heard people get a lot of comfort and insight from going to nami.org. They have free meetings around the country and I believe Nami is the National Alliance and Mental Illness. And anyway their website is nami.org and from what I’m told it was founded as a kind of free support group for the loved ones of people who live with mental illness and other afflictions. So check that out.

The other thing I wanted to read is, actually not read but just share with you. I had always when I first got sober I had these moments of you know, you know some people call em God shots where just the universe seems to open a door for you that you know always seemed to happen when i had the kind of positive mental and emotional and spiritual energy with me that day. Like for instance if I was going to be of service to do something I would notice that a parking spot would open up the perfect parking spot just as I was arriving there. And that began to feel like there was I don’t know like cause i can’t believe you know in terms of God I can’t believe as I’ve mentioned before the dude up in the sky with a beard you know and that kind of traditional view of it. Cause I’m a science guy and so I thought well maybe theres just like the universe is just like this cocktail of energy and when my charge change changes to more positively, those pathways line up and is just all about chemical interactions. And the only thing we can change is our charge by trying to become more positive. And um so it turns out that this year the noble prize for physics was awarded to two guys for suggesting that an invisible ocean of energy suffusing space is responsible for the mass and diversity for the universe. And as soon as I read that I went “I’m as smart as the guys that won a noble prize” and then I realized I don’t even know what suffusing means.

“Intro” Every human being has weird thoughts going through their head / Oh god it’s so embarrassing / I’m afraid I’ll never get another job again / That I will die and will have not been special / My brain has began to see the terrible / A million pound tourniquet being turned against my chest that was constant / Then I started sabotaging my own career / Wanting to die and / To stop him from feeling any joy “laughs” that is / Very uncomfortable in my own body / I am becoming a male prostitute / And what I became was an animal / They took away my shoelaces / I became chaos / Like it hurts i just wanna go i just wanna leave / You have no idea what a small part of your life this is / If you go to a support group its like creating a family you didn’t have / I mean life is one percent and then / My body was abused / 99 percent judgement about that event / But they couldn’t touch the best parts of me / But the world is a little bit (unintelligble) it’s also glorious / It does always get better, but it does

Paul Gilmartin: I’m here with Juan Medina, who is a listener and you are how old again?

Juan Medina: I’m 26.

Paul Gilmartin: 26 years old and you were born in the LA area, you now live in vegas?

Juan Medina: I was born in Mexico and I lived in vegas.

Paul Gilmartin: Did you spend any part of your life in southern California?

Juan Medina: Uh no.

Paul Gilmartin: This podcast is over then.

Juan Medina: Oh well, I’ll get going then.

Paul Gilmartin: Why did I think you were? I do remember now that you said you were born in Mexico. You know, I have so many emails going with different people at the same time, I apologize.

Juan Medina: No I’m sure it’s hard to keep track.

Paul Gilmartin: I almost never get the “I’m talking with such and such, they’re from so and so”, I almost never get it right. I don’t know why I don’t just have you guys say it. It’s because I like to run my mouth. But anyways, so you were born in Mexico and how did you come to the country?

Juan Medina: Well, my dad, way before he even met my mom, he would come to the states to work. And eventually overtime my mom pressured him, like okay we have to come live with you, either you stay with us or we come live with you over there because this kind of back and forth is not working out.

Paul Gilmartin: And what did your dad come to do? What kind of work?

Juan Medina: He did, from what I know, just labor. Just work as a laborer. I know he washed windows, he worked in construction or in cleanups. He just did odd jobs just to make money. Then he would send a little bit our way.

Paul Gilmartin: And was he here on a visa? Was he here illegally? Would he have to come back and forth?

Juan Medina: At first, he would come to the states illegally. He, I just recently found out from my mom which I didn’t know, he would actually jump on trains that would go from Mexico to the US and he would just sneak on the train, like just hop like a boxcar hobo just getting on jump on a train and um make his way to California.

Paul Gilmartin: Wow. I can’t imagine the amount of energy it takes to sneak into another country.

Juan Medina: It was —

Paul Gilmartin: And then to have to work on top of that.

Juan Medina: Oh it is a big headache. It’s not like it’s any easier, it’s you just have to, you know, kind of wait till no one’s looking and then dash across the line. No it takes a lot of work, no matter which way you do it. It takes quite a bit of work to cross to another country.

Paul Gilmartin: Yeah, where in Mexico did you live?

Juan Medina: I lived in a small town in Michoacan called Puruandiro.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay I’m gunna pretend that I know how either of those are spelled. How far from the border? What was the closest American city to you guys?

Juan Medina: Well Michoacan is not really close to the States.

Paul Gilmartin: How do you spell Michoacan?

Juan Medina: Michoacan is M-i-c-h-o-a-c-a-n.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh I’ve seen that word.

Juan Medina: Yeah, there’s a few restaurants that use that word.

Paul Medina: Okay, I’m doing that mostly for the people that transcribe this show.

Juan Medina: Oh, alright.

Paul Gilmartin: And what was the other town?

Juan Medina: Oh Puruandiro, yeah it’s a little tricky. I’ts P-u-r-u-a-n-d-i-r-o.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay. So what was the closest American city to those and how many miles was it?

Juan Medina: We weren’t. It’s not close to the states at all. It’s kind of on the southern part of Mexico, kind of where the country kind of bands at the coastline, around there.

Paul Gilmartin: So your dad would then clearly not go back all the way to southern Mexico when he would come across. Was there a place in Mexico … or did he?

Juan Medina: What he would do is, he would … He had some friends and they would travel up north near the border and then from there they would hop on a train and get across to the States.

Paul Gilmartin: So he would have a place to stay near the border?

Juan Medina: I don’t think he had a place to stay, he just kind of, he would get a ride. And once he got there, he maybe would stay in a hotel if he needed to or at a motel until he just waited for the train to come.

Paul Gilmartin: And was his goal to eventually settle in the United States or to just keep making money and keep your family afloat and stay where you were in southern Mexico?

Juan Medina: I think his goal was kind of to pretend he was a single with no family. He did kind of, well my grandfather did as well. He would work in the States and send money back to the family and he would send money back to the family and maybe for a month or so stay and then spend the rest of the time in the States.

Paul Gilmartin: For what purpose? To lead the life of a single man with no strings attached or did it make it easier for him to keep a low profile by pretending he was single with no family?

Juan Medina: Well what my mom thinks was that he just kind of, if he could it was his only chance, his way to pretend he was single with no kids for awhile is, you know he would work in another country and send us money and he would visit us very few days. I have a brother and two sisters and —

Paul Gilmartin: And one of your sisters is here.

Juan Medina: Yes. She’s the only one born in the States, the rest of us were born in Mexico and he was not there for any of our births. So he was kind of absent a lot. I remember when I was a little kid and my mom would tell me too that when he would come, I didn’t know he was my dad. He would show up at the door and I would just tell my mom “Mom my uncle’s here”. Cuz he, you know, he wasn’t around a lot, just very very rarely and just for a few days.

Paul Gilmartin: So how did you then come to? Are your parents still together or no?

Juan Medina: No they are not. They got divorced probably five years ago.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay, so how did … did you feel like your dad was living another life here in the States that he was hiding from you guys or did you not know or?

Juan Medina: My mom kind of felt he doesn’t have another family, but my mom kind of felt that he was just, kind of postponing his fatherly duties as much as he could, by just saying oh you know what I’m gunna work in the States and send you guys money.

Paul Gilmartin: That’ll be the end of my responsibility.

Juan Medina: Yep pretty much, until my mom finally pressured him, “No this isn’t working out. You either have to work here and be with your family or we move to the States with you”.

Paul Gilmartin: And so he said okay come to the States.

Juan Medina: My mom probably wouldn’t say it was that simple like “Oh sure why not”, but after being pestered a lot, yeah we moved to Vegas.

Paul Gilmartin: And how old were you when that happened?

Juan Medina: iI was around 8 years old.

Paul Gilmartin: And what do you remember of that?

Juan Medina: I remember a lot of trips to Mexico City, trying get everything settled so i can come, so we could all come here legally . my father —

Paul Gilmartin: And from what I understand it’s not easy to come here legally because there’s a cap on how many people can move here. And was that difficult, was it just luck that you guys were able to?

Juan Medina: Yes. We lucked out because if your parents are citizens, or were citizens of the United States they’re actually more lenient on you. And it just so happened that my dad’s dad and my mom’s dad were at one point US citizens.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh really?

Juan Medina: Yeah they came to the States legally, became citizens to work and they didn’t like it and they went back to Mexico.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay, do you know why they didn’t like it?

Juan Medina: What a lot of people don’t understand is that, while a lot of Mexicans supposedly go to the US for better life, a lot of them prefer Mexico because well they’re adults, they lived their whole lives there. You know if you come here in your 30s and 40s, you might not like it. You might like the culture you grew up with better. Some people do like it, my mom loves it here, but some people, you know, I know of a lot of people that eventually they just move back. They’re just like you know what I wanna go back home its simpler living or with a few guys it’s just like yeah my wife’s not liking it so we’re heading back.

Paul Gilmartin: I would imagine if you move here when your middle aged it’s probably hard to not feel like a visitor because you got all that stuff your used to back home.

Juan Medina: It is a culture shock and not knowing the language doesn’t help either. I picked it up pretty fast because I was 8 years old. Within a year and a half I was able to speak English and communicate better, but my mom —

Paul Gilmartin: And you have no accent, I don’t hear anything.

Juan Medina: Oh thank you, it will come out. If I’m nervous, all of a sudden it will come out. I’ve actually had .. for the listeners, we’re talking about I’m Mexican but I look pretty much white. I have blond hair and like bluish green eyes and I just confuse people when I tell em my name is Juan. They just look at me funny. If I go to a restaurant and they ask for a name for your table or for your food and when they ask for my name I tell them Juan, and they’re like excuse me? It’s Juan. Juan you say? Yes Juan, I know I know. And sometimes I just say John just so I can avoid saying my name 3 or 4 times. Yeah and since been here 18 years, my mom has picked up enough English so she can communicate at work but it’s still broken because when you’re old, she came here in her 30s, when you’re older it just take a lot of work to pick up a second language. As a little kid I just wanted to watch cartoons so I had to learn the language.

Paul Gilmartin: So what do you remember about moving here when you were 8? I would imagine that there is a fairly sizable Latino population in Vegas so it wouldn’t have been like moving to Saint Paul, Minnesota.

Juan Medina: No. I started halfway my 2nd grade year and it was, they do have a program in the Clarke county school district where I went in the elementary school where they have the students are divided 1st-5th grade in 6 different tracks. And one track was English as second language. And that one that would stick kids in there that were foreign, their struggling to learn English or they just moved. And from there, they learn, they’re not classes in Spanish but they just put them together. I would think they just went over things more slowly until kids picked up the language. And then by the end of, probably 3rd grade, they moved me out of that English as a second language.

Paul Gilmartin: That had to feel great?

Juan Medina: I was pretty proud of myself. I was like alright I’m going with the white kids.

Paul Gilmartin: You should feel great. I mean that’s an accomplishment. I supposed it also, not to minimize your accomplishment, but kids are such sponges, that’s a testament too.

Juan Medina: Oh absolutely, that’s what just makes it easier because as a little kid you just pick up everything. It’s a lot simpler to learn a second language when your brain is still developing. So just coming here being dropped off at another language, going to another school where and everything was still in English from work to what the teachers spoke, everything was English so eventually you pick it up slowly. I remember still in 4th grace I’m like uh I’m not really sure how to say that but I can still get by.

Paul Gilmartin: At what age did you become a citizen?

Juan Medina: I became a citizen around middle school, I would think 7th grade because we got our green card and residency all straightened out to live in the States. I was in middle school and my mom told me, “Hey, by the way, you’re now a citizen of the United States.” I was like, wait what was I before? I just didn’t understand, I’m like what? Was I not allowed to be here before?

Paul Gilmartin: Was I a houseguest of America? What was it like being … I would imagine you were able to hear white people’s racism because they thought you weren’t Hispanic. So you were probably privy to racist conversations?

Juan Medina: Absolutely. Even today I work as a maintenance engineer in a hotel in Vegas and all my coworkers, it’s a union job, and all my coworkers are pretty much 30s to you know, guys in their 30s from their 60s, white males. And because I don’t look Mexican, sometimes some racist things come out of their mouth and they just kind of forget that I’m Mexican and they’ll just kind of look at me like haha I’m joking. I’m like um sure you are. I’ve heard you drop the N bomb multiple times but I’m sure you’re joking about .

Paul Gilmartin: Does it bother you?

Juan Medina: It does. It does bother me. Not to the point where I can’t work with these guys but inside it just, it does bug me.

Paul Gilmartin: What does it feel like?

Juan Medina: It hurts cause as proud as I am of my Mexican heritage I do feel American. I’ve been here since I was eight years old, so I do feel American. When things aren’t going well in this country you know, I get upset because I want them to because I do want this country to be better than it is. So hearing somebody say something about where I was born, it just hurts. It, you know, you just get angry for, my own —

Paul Gilmartin: Do you feel like … describe, if you, can what it feels like in your body. Is it like a flush feeling in your face where you feel humiliated or is it like a rage that you want to punch them?

Juan Medina: It is a mixture of humiliation and rage and I just kind of, you know, if I hear a coworker say something I just keep my head down and just shake my head and try not to say anything and eventually they kind of remember, oh yeah,oh, Juan’s here and they look at me to see if I’m okay, I just ignore them. I just ignore them.

Paul Gilmartin: What would you like to say to them sometimes?

Juan Medina: That it doesn’t matter what country you’re from, if you’re a good person, you’re a good person and you’re an asshole for thinking less of a whole group of people that you don’t know. I think it’s Latinos and black people have this problem in this country where they’re generalized. People build stereotypes about black and Hispanics and white people don’t get that, for some reason.

Paul Gilmartin: I would disagree with you because I have run across, not to the degree I think that you guys experience it and certainly because we are the ruling class, whatever you want to call it, but I have come across people who if they’re not racist towards white people they will tell me, “Oh my mother told me don’t ever be friends with a white person, you can’t trust a white man,” etcetera etcetera and that bothers me and I’m not in any way comparing my quote unquote struggle to your struggle but I take exception to the idea that there isn’t reverse racism but ours is certainly not a struggle its more of a novelty.

Juan Medina: Right. There’s racism no matter where you’re from, what you look like, there’s always racism but there’s certain stereotypes. Like I could have a conversation with somebody about race. They can just ask me something like “wow why are you, why do Mexican have kids in their teens?” I’m like I don’t know how to answer that because I’m Mexican, I’m 26 and with no kids so I don’t know how, what this generalization comes from that, you know, all Mexicans have kids young. I’m standing here like.

Paul Gilmartin: It’ll be like you asking me why do you love slaves so much.

Juan Medina: What was it with you guys and slaves? I don’t get it.

Paul Gilmartin: Yeah I think there’s something in our DNA that allowed us to survive by making broad generalizations but in many ways it’s not serving us anymore because, you know, I find myself thinking racist thoughts sometimes. You know, judging prior to investigating it and it makes me feel a little bit ashamed but I think, how do you get raised in our society and not have some of those things affect you when, you know, when I was a kid growing up in the 70s I never saw an example of a black professional. It was they played the pimp or they played the street person or the maid and it was when I started working for an insurance company in my late teens, early 20s I was the sole white person in a pool of like 30 black women and that was the best education I ever got.

Juan Medina: Right.

Paul Gilmartin: Because we became friends. They began to take me to their places. I went to eat soul food with them, you know, drove through the projects with them, and it was, I felt, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so excepted and so, I don’t know, when somebody takes you in and shows you their culture, I think that’s like one of the most loving, vulnerable things that somebody can do for you and I’ll never forget that but who I was before I met them was a vastly different person than who I was after I met them and I think so much racism could be changed just by simply hanging out with each other.

Juan Medina: That’s something I think is a problem in this country, empathy. Not to get political or anything, there was that congressman that, you know, he was against gay marriage but his son came out as being gay and he started to see things from a different point of view and, you know, he changed his opinion on that.

Paul Gilmartin: Do you think that is because someone has an inherent hostility in them or is it their inability to picture themselves in someone’s shoe or shoes, or shoe in case the person has one foot, or is it that they don’t want to try to put themselves in someone else’s shoes and picture what their life is like?

Juan Medina: I think a lot of people are struggling with their own lives, so putting themselves in someone else’s shoes is too much work because they’re struggling in their own life with just getting by. So actually worrying about other people’s struggles is not really an option and for the most part, politicians just kind of feed on that instead of actually making things better.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh I agree. I definitely agree. It’s a much easier way to campaign by embracing people’s fear and broad generalizations, than it is to offer actual solutions.

Juan Medina: Exactly.

Paul Gilmartin: That might involve a special interest group not getting its money.

Juan Medina: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Paul Gilmartin: So let’s talk about mental issues that you’ve struggled with in your life. When was the first mental issue that you began to feel like something’s not right with me?

Juan Medina: I’ve actually discovered a lot of things pretty recently about myself that I just didn’t know but a lot of the issues that I had to deal with all started when we moved here to the States, when we moved in with my dad, from a little kid I was really scared of him. Even though I didn’t see him much, I don’t have that many memories of him when I lived in Mexico, there’s just a few memories-where just seeing him drunk and just throwing up in the garden.

Paul Gilmartin: Fucking Mexicans.

Juan Medina: Thank Gods there’s (unintelligible). Just being four years old and seeing this guy you’re just learning that he’s your father and just violently throwing up and being sick. First time I saw that I was like is he gunna be okay, is he dying right here? I have no idea what’s going on, cause I never seen that.

Paul Gilmartin: So there was a volatility to your dad that made it hard to feel vulnerable?

Juan Medina: Yes, from the start it’s just being scared of him and it’s something that the whole family pretty much felt when we all lived in together, that’s when we all moved to Vegas and lived together in a small three bedroom apartment, that’s when things got worse cause we actually got to spend more time with him.

Paul Gilmartin: Yeah, how often was his drinking out of control or clearly a problem or an issue?

Juan Medina: When I was younger it was a much bigger problem when I was, I wanna say elementary school to middle school. He quit drinking, I don’t really think was an alcoholic cuz I don’t think he drinks today, he just couldn’t handle his alcohol and it brought out his rage and it was multiple times where we would go to a family or a friend’s birthday party and I can recall multiple times where he was just way too drunk to be driving and but there we were all in the car just crying and just scared because he was just driving drunk on the wrong side of the lane.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh my god.

Juan Medina: Yeah it was, you know, that was terrifying as a kid.

Paul Gilmartin: Wow. The loss of control must have been so profound, that feeling of my life is in this person’s hands.

Juan Medina: Absolutely, he’s your father. Supposed to be kind of a strong male role model and you know I never really saw that as a kid.

Paul Gilmartin: Would you talk to each other about him or did everybody just kind of keep it to themselves?

Juan Medina: We would talk to each other, I would talk to my sister who’s probably a year and a half younger than me and we would talk.

Paul Gilmartin: Is it the sister that’s here?

Juan Medina: No no no, she’s 18.

Paul Gilmartin: And what is this sister’s name again?

Juan Medina: Evon(sp?).

Paul Gilmartin: Evon(sp?). And Evon(sp?) is 18?

Juan Medina: 18 yes.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay and how old is your other sister? 24?

Juan Medina: My other sister is 24 and I have a brother that’s 20.

Paul Gilmartin: And Evon(sp?) if at some point you wanna chime in on anything, you’re welcome to come over and chime in.

Juan Medina: She’s shaking her head no.

Paul Gilmartin: She’s, okay … I just want you to know that, you know, that’s open to you if you choose to.

Juan Medina: Thanks.

Paul Gilmartin: So you would, what would you say to each other? Dad’s —

Juan Medina: We were just scared, it’s .. my childhood all I remember is, I blocked a lot out just because your brain, your brain protects you from any traumatic experiences and just decides you know we’re gunna kind of move this to the side and forget about it.

Paul Gilmartin: We’re gunna open that when we’re 38.

Juan Medina: Yeah we’re gunna open this later and just, you know ,for ten years we’re not gunna be sure if this was a dream eventually you’re gunna find out it wasn’t and all hell is gunna break loose but when, I just remember living in fear when I was a kid because as soon as we heard the key going into the door or my dad’s truck pulling up in front of the house, it just oh God he’s here. I’m just gunna go in my room or where can I go that, you know, where can I be at asides pretty much. That was pretty much my whole childhood and the whole time I lived in the house with them it’s like aw man he’s here. It was never like oh dad’s home. It was like oh God I hope he doesn’t start yelling at my mom today.

Paul Gilmartin: I hope I don’t get singled out.

Juan Medina: Yeah.

Paul Gilmartin: Would he, was he violent towards you guys?

Juan Medina: Um. I don’t know, Evon might remember more. I don’t remember him being, there were some horrible punishments, I don’t remember not too much coming from my dad. It’s more of just emotional, psychological and just living in fear it’s just it’ll mess you up in your own house.

Paul Gilmartin: When you said, “I don’t remember coming from my dad,” would it come from someone else?

Juan Medina: Um no.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay.

Juan Medina: I remember, I remember when I was in first grade in Mexico, a kid in my class had a Super Nintendo, so I went to his house cause he had a freakin Super Nintendo and Street Fighter 2 so I wanted to play and I did it a couple times where I went straight after school to his house and stayed way too long and went home and my mom was just worried sick. She beat me with a rope just because she was just angry that I was stressing her out and all that. And not too long ago we were having a discussion about, you know, hitting kids, about how that’s not exactly discipline. People just think yeah there’s a lot of self entitled and bratty kids but just hitting them is not what makes a kid grow up to be a good person, its good parenting.

Paul Gilmartin: And consequences are great for kids.

Juan Medina: Consequences are great but I don’t think a back hand is the best punishment for a young mind.

Paul Gilmartin: And it sends such a weird message to kids when it’s, “I was worried about you and I’m going to let you know how worried I was by hurting you physically.” It’s such a weird mixed message.

Juan Medina: It’s, you know, it doesn’t make sense at all but not too long ago, you know, I brought it up to her and was like, man like I know much about parenting, I’m 26 with no kids, I’m just like I think you know hitting kids does more harm than good, and I told her if you take if you wanna take your new dog and you wanna train him so he can be an obedient and well behaved dog you go to a trainer and the first thing he doesn’t do here’s a rolled up newspaper if he doesn’t do what you want you just hit him with it. There’s no good trainer that does that, it’s kind of positive reinforcement, all kinds of tricks that doesn’t involve hitting the dog at all. And I told my mom that hitting is not good enough for a dog why would it be good enough for a kid? And my mom’s, she’s a great person and she didn’t kind of like try to defend, like well “You know what I’ve hit my kids and sometimes,” no she didn’t try to defend her past decisions at all. She was just like your right, hitting your kids is not right and it felt good for her to say that.

Paul Gilmartin: That had to feel amazing.

Juan Medina: It was like wow you know that, it’s so rare for just any adult to just admit that they made a simple mistake over nothing but about a mistake with your children that takes a lot of bravery.

Paul Gilmartin: Yeah you know as you share that I’m thinking to myself when parents hit their kids to let their anger out because they were afraid the kid was lost or something like that, you know i remember my mom wouldn’t hit me but she would like rage at me because she was worried and I just remember thinking I feel like an object that you treasure and you’re not addressing who I am inside it’s more like what my presence means to your life, like I’m an important thing to you that you were afraid that you lost and when your mom apologized to you it’s so touching to me because it feels like that’s the part of you that you want your parent to see as a kid, your humanity, the soft part of you.

Juan Medina: Absolutely.

Paul Gilmartin: That your parent is supposed to protect.

Juan Medina: Absolutely. Um, yeah it meant a lot for me to hear her say that, that just you know what, that’s something I shouldn’t have done and maybe there’s something I should have done in another way but she didn’t know how to handle it at that moment and that’s actually like a memory. Oh wow, I really liked video games as a kid. I don’t have any memories that stand out as my father hitting me but that’s the one that stands out just as my father’s kind of like psychological torture, that’s what affected me the most.

Paul Gilmartin: Before we get to that I just want to interject too that we, I think we also have a responsibility once we’re adults to say “Okay this happened to me, I have to accept that it’s apart of my reality, how am I gunna move forward?” And ideally we get to a place where we can have compassion because our parents didn’t have the tools to cope with their overwhelming feelings and maybe we even get to a place where we forgive them and accept them as they are. Easier said than done.

Juan Medina: Absolutely and I’ve heard you mention it on the podcast before, I don’t want this to be a blame my parents kind of thing because that doesn’t really do anything for you. You kind of deal with what has happened and you learn to forgive people.

Paul Gilmartin: Yeah, you know hopefully we reexamine our childhoods, not to make our parents suffer but to process the feelings we’ve been running from our whole lives so we can stop suffering.

Juan Medina: Absolutely, resentment’s not gunna make me feel like a new person, you know? That’s not gunna help me.

Paul Gilmartin: Even though that’s a phase of what you go through to process.

Juan Medina: Of course, oh absolutely, there’s anger and resentment, you kind of go through those phases where you kind of like you get past that and just okay how am I gunna overcome it?

Paul Gilmartin: Mhm. So what was some of the psychological torture that your dad would inflict?

Juan Medina: Well he has a very loud and intimidating voice which I recently found out I have too. That he just one of those people that, you know you see some of those people that just when they get angry you don’t really usually know why that persons angry, then when you see someone else who is just out of control angry it’s like oh my God, what is that guy gunna do. That’s the kind of angry he was and I think he didn’t quite know how to deal with having a family and you know, supporting everybody but he would get into such screaming matches. Well it wasn’t a screaming match because my mom wasn’t really screaming at him, she doesn’t have that loud of a voice, eventually it would just end up with her crying and some of those altercations sometimes became physical so you just, as a little kid when you hear that and —

Paul Gilmartin: He would hit your mom?

Juan Medina: Yeah, he spent a night in jail because my mom called the cops on him. I don’t know exactly how many times he physically abused her but you know, my mom only called the cops on him once when she could have done multiple times.

Paul Gilmartin: That must be so painful to watch.

Juan Medina: It is. Luckily I didn’t see much but just hearing it, it was just painful to hear your mother crying, your father yelling, you don’t know what to do. — ten year old kid, you’re just helpless, you can’t do anything about it, you just kind of wait for it to be over.

Paul Gilmartin: So so many instances of just no control and on the verge of chaos in your childhood.

Juan Medina: On tiptoes the whole time. That’s why just whenever he got home we were like oh my God, whats gunna happen?

Paul Gilmartin: So how could you not grow up to be an anxious person?

Juan Medina: I kind of shut down as I got older. I shut down and I tried to kind of be invisible. I thought if I got good grades in school, I didn’t cause any trouble, maybe they won’t fight. Maybe my dad won’t do anything to my mom, I just have to be, kind of just be invisible.

Paul Gilmartin: Have no needs.

Juan Medina: No needs, absolutely no needs. Just you know, bring home a good report card. Say hey hopefully this makes you happy, you don’t get mad or anything and so that made me keep to myself a lot.

Paul Gilmartin: It’s such an unmanageable way to go through life because then other people’s opinion of you becomes your God for lack of a better word, your barometer of how you’re doing.

Juan Medina: Absolutely, especially when you don’t have that at home, you don’t have your parents congratulating you, saying you got straight As or you got an art award, that’s great..it was just kind of like my dad didn’t know how to handle that, there was no congratulations on anything and my mom did her best but she was just always on toes with him too cause over anything it could just set him off.

Paul Gilmartin: Is it uncomfortable when your romantic in a relationship with somebody that sees you, does it feel smothering to you? Do you have hard time excepting that somebody loves you and is into you?

Juan Medina: Um.

Paul Gilmartin: Or does it feel great?

Juan Medina: It’s a great feeling that I don’t wanna take for granted but I don’t believe in compliments people tell me. It’s hard for me to take any compliments.

Paul Gilmartin: Why do you think they’re telling you that?

Juan Medina: Um, I think if they give me a compliment, I think its true but I’m tryna tell myself it’s true but in my mind I’m just like uh their just lying, they’re just saying that to kind of make you feel better but they’re lying.

Paul Gilmartin: Cuz they feel a little sorry for you, they think you need it.

Juan Medina: Yeah.

Paul Gilmartin: I totally relate to that, or the other one that my brain loves to come up with is that they don’t know, or they just clearly don’t have good taste.

Juan Medina: Yeah, exactly.

Paul Gilmartin: They’re not very observant.

Juan Medina: Right a girl will tell me, “God you’re so handsome.” Whatever, what are you looking at? Put your glasses on.” It’s hard for me to take compliments, that’s something I’m working on, kind of to be more acceptant, kind of you like know, kind of toss it away with a joke and just tryna be, that’s something I’m working on.

Paul Gilmartin: The other thing that you talked about, do you wanna talk about more about your anxiety? Cause I’d like to talk about the body dysmorphia. Would now be an okay time to talk about that?

Juan Medina: Yeah, sure.

Paul Gilmartin: How do you experience that? When did that start happening? How did it progress? Did it progress?

Juan Medina: Well I started, I started gaining weight around fifth grade. I started to become a little chubbier kid and then middle school it didn’t get too bad, but I was a pretty fat middle schooler. I say not too bad because I wasn’t like morbidly obese but I did gain a significant amount of weight. Where I remember at one point being around in middle school, I was around 15 pounds heavier than my dad and I was, I was not that tall of a kid, so it was, you know, I put on quite a bit of weight. Freshman year of high school I was still a pretty chunky kid and then I grew and the rest of high school I was looking back at pictures now and I was so scronny(sp?). I just grew out of it, I started exercising and eating less and I looked so scronny(sp?) just recently looked back on my pictures and I still felt like that fat kid. I remember thinking like still God I gotta lose weight, I gotta lose weight, I gotta lose weight and looking back at some pictures like why, how how was I gunna lose weight? I looked so scronny(sp?) but I still remember feeling that I’m still that big chubby kid. Today, I’m a lot better about what I look like but for the longest time I can’t, the mirror, I was looking at myself in the mirror, I mean I was but I didn’t see myself. When your disconnected from your body you don’t take care of yourself.

Paul Gilmartin: Have you ever gone to a therapist?

Juan Medina: No I haven’t.

Paul Gilmartin: Do you think that would be a good idea to talk about the anxiety and the struggle with your body and your view of your body and processing the stuff that happened in your childhood?

Juan Medina: Oh absolutely, I think it would help. Right now I’m just kind of, just tryna figure things out on my own.

Paul Gilmartin: How’s that going?

Juan Medina: Eh, I’m doing an okay job. I’m sure if I had the help of a professional it would be a lot easier than me, you know, tryna figure things out on my own.

Paul Gilmartin: So any other kind of sentimental moments from your life or anything you’re struggling with now that you’d like to touch on before we take it out with fears and loves?

Juan Medina: Oh well right now I’m a lot better with my parents, my vision of myself is still distorted but I have gotten better at it. My anxiety has gotten better cause I shut down as a little kid, so being around new people just made me anxious and I shut down. I went skydiving last week and I didn’t completely feel that adrenaline rush, so that worried me.

Paul Gilmartin: How many times have you skydived?

Juan Medina: That was the first time.

Paul Gilmartin: Really?

Juan Medina: First time I ever sky dove and I really didn’t feel much, much of that adrenaline rush, no fear. So I was tryna stay in the moment. We were in this tiny plane, we took off and I was trying to, I was literally telling myself “Don’t shut down, take in the moment and enjoy it” and you know “It’s pretty safe,” but come on your supposed to freak out cause its pretty ridiculous.

Paul Gilmartin: Yeah.

Juan Medina: And the guy was I was jumping with was like, “Alright we’re gunna get to a certain altitude, we’re gunna open the door, we’re gunna sit, sit outside the plane here. You just want you to lean back against me, cross your arms and fall, we’re gunna do a couple of flips.”

Paul Gilmartin: And you’re attached to him?

Juan Medina: Yeah, I’m attached to him. “We’re gunna do a couple of flips, we’re gunna freefall for a bit, I’m gunna let the chute go and we’re just gunna glide.” I’m like awesome, let’s do it. I was attached to him, he was on my back, we let ourselves go, we jumped, did a few flips, it was awesome. We’re just free falling for a second, he gave me the tap on the shoulder, that means that I’m about to open the chute.

Paul Gilmartin: Mhm.

Juan Medina: He opens the chute, we glide and I was, I didn’t feel that much of a rush. So that’s something I know I have to work on because I shut down, you know? I remember the view, I remember spinning out of that plane but I didn’t feel much.

Paul Gilmartin: I think that’s a really common thing with people who suffer from depression and I’m not trying to diagnose you with depression but I know I’ll often describe it as I feel like there’s a thick piece of plexiglass between me and my life.

Juan Medina: Mhm.

Paul Gilmartin: And I can intellectually appreciate what’s happening but I don’t get the feelings that I’m looking for.

Juan Medina: Yeah I’ve never been diagnosed with depression but I do know that a certain situation I’m like, oh I was depressed back then and it has affected relationships in the past where just I kinda shut down and you know what’s the person do when someone is just depressed and especially when you’re in your early 20s and you don’t wanna go out, you don’t like to talk to people and when you shut down like that it’s hard to date somebody that’s like that.

Paul Gilmartin: Do you go into fantasy when you shut down? Where does your head go when you shut down?

Juan Medina: I kind of just disassociate with myself and just stay in my head and you know not think much, just kind of stand there and just —

Paul Gilmartin: Waiting for it to be over?

Juan Medina: Pretty much.

Paul Gilmartin: Or thinking about worse case scenario or? Or thinking about where you’d like to be?

Juan Medina: Uh I don’t do much worse case scenario. Sometimes I do like to pretend it’s like oh maybe this could be going better, maybe I could be having fun but that’s sometimes, I just don’t have it in me just to start talking and I can be talkative and make people laugh but when I shut down I’m just, I don’t wanna be there.

Paul Gilmartin: One of the things I do when I shut down which is so unhealthy, is I’ll think, okay how long until we get the fuck out of here.

Juan Medina: Yeah.

Paul Gilmartin: This social event and so I’ll focus on who I think needs to do what for this thing to be wrapped up and then I’ll just focus on that person who I think, okay that person needs to open their birthday present so I can get the fuck out of here. And so I’ll just be looking at that person, looking at the birthday present, looking back and forth just like.

Juan Medina: Right.

Paul Gilmartin: Okay this conversation, how many more sentences is this conversation they’re in probably gunna have? And it’s such a disconnected way to go through life but when you, when you’re feeling that where people feel like sandpaper and you just wanna be back in your cacoon(sp?) whatever that is, it’s just so, I don’t even know what the word, draining .. it’s just, whatever the opposite of life affirming is.

Juan Medina: It definitely makes your depression worse cause I’ve done that where I’ve kind of just keep looking at my phone, okay how long, how long do I have to stay here before it’s acceptable for me to leave?

Paul Gilmartin: Yes, I have an app for that.

Juan Medina: I need to download it, I could use it in some situations. It’s sad because I’m kind of, I kind of don’t feel anything towards my dad since I was eight. Giving him a hug is just as awkward as it is now, but I don’t, I don’t dread talking to him, I don’t dread seeing him, I just, I don’t feel much for the guy but I see him and you know, don’t do much. We see him around, the holidays, when I see him, I give him a hug. Just because staying mad at him or just avoiding him is not gunna help anything. So I do have a, I do communicate with him even though they got divorced and actually my mom is the one that pushes all her kids, “You should talk to your father, make sure you talk to him, he’s the only one you have, make sure you know, don’t just you know, blow him off.” So, and I think that’s helpful too, just to have him in my life, to be like yeah you know, it’s nots gunna dictate the rest of my life is what happened when I was younger.

Paul Gilmartin: And I think you know my opinion on having contact with the parent who was toxic when you were a kid is, is that toxicity is still there? And you know a lot of people will say and you know I’m talking about my relationship with my mom and some people will say, you know, “Don’t cut her out of your life, she’s your mom, she’s not gunna be around forever, you’re gunna regret it.” And that would be, I’d make it to that point where I’d have contact with her again, there’s a toxicity that is still there, the same things that were being done when I was a kid, emotionally, still feel like they’re there and that I feel like is self parenting for me to protect myself from feeling that hurt over and over again and not feeling hurt and not feeling felt. I can let go of things that happen in the past but not if a different version of that is gunna keep happening every time I see that person.

Juan Medina: Oh, absolutely. My sister doesn’t wanna see my dad at all, wants nothing to do with him. So, eventually you come around or you might not.

Paul Gilmartin: Alright, let’s get into the fears. I’m gunna be reading fears from a listener named Natalie. She writes, “I’m afraid somebody at the catholic church I attend has seen the birth control pills I keep in my purse.”

Juan Medina: I’m afraid of going completely bald.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid that one of my students in my special ed class isn’t actually a child with special needs but a secret shopper reporting back to the superintendent.” Oh thats a good one, never gotten that.

Juan Medina: I’m afraid that I won’t fall in love with someone else again.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid that I won’t get very far in life because of all the times I’ve chosen avoidance as a coping mechanism.”

Juan Medina: Oh yeah, I could relate to that one. I’m afraid of being stuck in my current job forever.

Paul Gilmartin: Natalie says, “I’m afraid my hamster will escape and I’ll accidentally step on her while looking for her.” That’s a great one.

Juan Medina: I’m afraid of not finding a career I’m passionate about.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid of getting the wrong idea across when communicating digitally. I proofread text messages and emails about four to five times before sending and then I B-line for the sent folder.”

Juan Medina: Yeah, I do that. I’m afraid that not getting a college degree will haunt me the rest of my life.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid of eating the wrong way on a first date. Is he looking for a girl who gets her fingers dirty on ribs and buffalo wings or is he looking for someone more lady like and demure?”

Juan Medina: I’m afraid of letting myself go physically and not noticing.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid I’ll screw up the spiritual lives of my future children by either taking them to a bad church or by never taking them and never challenging them to use that side of their brain.”

Juan Medina: I’m afraid of not having any connection with my kids, if I have them, because I don’t really feel one towards my father.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid I’ll disclose my rape fantasies to sex partner who proves to be untrustworthy and violates our safety word.”

Juan Medina: I’m afraid of losing a family member.

Paul Gilmartin: “As an ex-vegan and a recovering bulimic, I’m afraid that there is no perfect food. Everything out there seems like its exploitive or unhealthy in some way.”

Juan Medina: I’m afraid that people will find this podcast boring.

Paul Gilmartin: “I’m afraid that I’m no fun sober and that weed and alcohol are the only reason I have friends.

Juan Medina: That’s all I got for uh —

Paul Gilmartin: And that was all she has.

Juan Medina: Alright.

Paul Gilmartin: Always moments of synchronisity(sp?) on the likes and the loves. You wanna start with your first love?

Juan Medina: Sure. I love my mom’s tamales.

Paul Gilmartin: “I love that moment right before sex when you just know that you and your partner will cum at the same time.” That’s a great one.

Juan Medina: I love a good dark beer from a smaller brewery thats not from Anheiser(sp?) Bush.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh that used to be my favorite. Guinness and Boddington(sp?). I used to love those and Bass(sp?).

Juan Medina: Oh yeah that’s good.

Paul Gilmartin: “I love blasting coral(sp?) music or opera in my car with the windows down.”

Juan Medina: I love Super Nintendo era video games.

Paul Gilmartin: Mhm, me too. “I love warm bread on a cold day.”

Juan Medina: I love going to see live music.

Paul Gilmartin: “I love puppy breath.”

Juan Medina: I love pitt bulls. I think they’re great dogs if they’re raised by good people.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh pitt bulls?

Juan Medina: Yeah.

Paul Gilmartin: I thought you said pibbles, I was like pibbles?

Juan Medina: See my accent comes out sometimes.

Paul Gilmartin: What’s that new breed? Um Natalie says, “I love shamelessly jamming out to the latest tween pop sensation with my students.”

Juan Medina: I love listening to a song that brings out an emotion in me.

Paul Gilmartin: “I love sharing a small bed with a big dog.”

Juan Medina: My last one is, I love going to a nice and quiet beach and just hearing the ocean.

Paul Gilmartin: Oh that’s a beautiful one to end on. Juan Medina.

Juan Medina: Yep.

Paul Gilmartin: Thank you so much for coming on and I’m glad you contacted me and it was really nice hearing your story and thanks for sharing your life with me and the listeners.

Juan Medina: Oh thank you for having me Paul, it was great.

Paul Gilmartin: Many thanks to Juan and just emailed him as I like to do when I record an episode a couple of months ago, give my guests a heads up that it’s gunna be coming out and to check in on em, see how they’re doing and Juan is happy to report that he has just made his first appointment to go to therapy. So yay, that’s like my favorite email to get.

Before I take it out with a bunch of surveys, first of all I wanna give a shout out to the listeners that came out to LA podfest last weekend and it was awesome. My guest was Iesha Tyler and will be posting that episode some time in the near future but it was just so great to see you guys in person and to just feel the love and the support and I couldn’t have been happier and it was just a great weekend. There was such great podcasters there, the standup show was hilarious, I got to be a guest on Mark Marin’s(sp?) podcast and it was just fun, just fun.

The website as I mentioned for this show is Mentalpod.com and go there and if you want to, there’s a couple different ways you can support the show; you can support us financially by going to the website and making one time Paypal donation or recurring monthly donation which aids greatly in keeping this show going and, or not to the point where I can make this my full time gig even though it is my full time gig. It’s not supporting me yet and I hope that doesn’t sound arrogant that I wanna support myself but that’s my dream to do that and if you can afford it, just as little as five bucks a month, it would really appreciate it if you would sign up to be a monthly donor and if not, continue listening because I know there’s a lot of people out there that do listen and don’t have the money to contribute and that’s totally cool too. I didn’t start this to become supported by it, I started it to hear myself talk. You can also support the show non financially by going to iTunes, writing something nice, giving us a good rating or spreading the word through social media. Really, really appreciate that; posting on Facebook, sharing on twitter, there’s a subreddit page. Please, please spread the word, that really helps, that brings more listeners and when I do get the occasional advertiser it brings in more money if we have more listeners so you can help that way.

Let’s get to the surveys. A lot of shame and secret surveys. It’s funny when, some weeks thats all I wanna kind of read and print out, other times I’m into the other ones. Oh stop apologizing, Jesus Christ just read the fucking survey.

This is filled out by Cathleen(sp?). She, and I just wanna read a portion of it, you ever been, she’s straight in her 30s. You ever been the victim of sexual abuse and she says some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. “One night when I was 19, I was hanging out with man who I had been casually seeing. We had had sex before and this particular night I had taken what he told me was ecstasy which I had taken before and then smoked some pot. I became so intoxicated that I couldn’t move my body. I felt like my head was floating separate from my body and our voices sounded really far way, he then told me it wasn’t ecstasy that I had taken, but special K. The next thing I remember, he had taken off my clothes and put me in the shower. I remember leaning against the shower wall thinking I was going to die, I had never been that messed up before, or since. The next thing I remember is being in his bed and he was having sex with me. I remember being completely disassociated and thinking this is like the end of the movie kids. I must have passed out after that. The next thing I remember is him putting me in a cab the next morning and sending me home. I spent the next week or so on the total state of detachment. It took me years to even consider that it was date rape, even now I fear that people will tell me I’m overreacting and that it wasn’t rape. Needless to say, I never reported it, I stopped seeing the guy shortly after it happened.” Oh Cathleen(sp?), I just wanna give you a hug. That was rape, no two ways about it. That was criminal and any person that would tell you that you’re overreacting should be punched, first in the face, then in the stomach and then their toes stomped on. Please go talk to somebody about that. That is traumatic, traumatic and needs to be processed.

We’re gunna jump to a happy moment. This is filled out by … I got a lot of happy moments this week and please go fill those out, they’re one of my favorite things to read. This is … and the more sublime the better. This is filled out by Montana Guy, who writes, “I have a couple happy moments with my grandmother. The first is the feeling of her nails when she would gently rub my hand before bed. I loved the affection and when I felt that from my wife it brings a smile to my face. The second is that my grandma making animal pancakes, this was fascinating as a kid, I didn’t know how she could do it. The next morning there it would be, an elephant, rabbit, whatever. It was uniquely heroin and I’m happy to still have those memories.” That’s sweet.

This is from the shame and secrets survey, Filled out by Arianna(sp?). She is in her 20s, bisexual, was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment. Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? Some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts as sexual abuse. By the way, our long time listeners know that it is so rare that somebody says some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts, that is actually in a gray area. She writes “When I attended my dad’s wedding at 15, an older male cousin put me on his lap and looked at me weirdly, made me feel uncomfortable as he looked me up and down and leered at me but I sat there frozen.” Which is an extremely common reaction by the way. “The room was filled with people, kids and adults but nobody questioned it. Eventually I ran away and tried to avoid him the rest of the time. When I was younger than that, however my older cousin had me lay on top of her and hump her. I don’t know if I wanted to or was curious, but I did even though I was uncomfortable. I was able to have an orgasm and now whether related or not I cannot have sex on top, I try but often feel ashamed or tired and I feel horrible that I can’t do it.” When I read this Arianna and I read you describe that feeling of being tired it hit me like a freight train. I have felt that so many times in my life during sex and it’s usually when I’m in an intimate relationship, you know, it would be when I was in a committed relationship with somebody and there was, I don’t know how to describe it, but I would just feel like I was gunna fall asleep and it had nothing to do with them. And here’s the interesting thing, it’s the same feeling I’d get when I first get excited about going to woodwork and then I think about all the mistakes I’m gunna make and I think the thing that they both have in common is that there’s a pressure, a self imposed pressure and I don’t know where it comes from in me or where it comes from in you but I think it’s important to look at and I want you to know that you’re not alone and it helped me to hear you express that, that way. And don’t minimize the feelings that you had with your cousins and I think it would be goo to talk to somebody about that. There’s a thing that she shares in her deepest darkest secrets that I think is also traumatic. She writes, “When I was younger to stop some kids in my class from bullying me I gave two of the guys oral sex in the public place. I was in seventh or eighth grade when I to to ninth grade the boys had spread the story in my high school and their own. Because of that, I got bullied more. In college, I first had unprotected sex with a boyfriend because while manic, I thought that I would be protected from getting pregnant because I was super human. I never told him because I felt horrible and stupid but I didn’t get on birth control right away. I used to dissociate during sexual activities, just float away or tune out. Now with my husband I feel horrible for not being able to be on top or go for as long.” Do not apologize about that and my personal belief is that we shouldn’t, when sex feels like, even if it’s with somebody we love and we trust, I think it’s important to go, to not do it when we’re not feeling it. But we have a responsibility as a partner to be working hard on ourselves, to process what is underneath that. So go to a therapist, you owe it to your husband to go to talk to somebody about this and process it and you owe it to yourself to not have sex when you don’t want to. Here’s what I was trying to say, that came out pretty good.

This was, same survey filled out by Charlie. He is gay, in his 30s, was raised in an environment that was a little dysfunctional. He was the victim of sexual abuse and never reported it. Deepest darkest thoughts, “I get sexually attracted to many of my friends and end up spying on them through windows, doors, phones and their computers.” Deepest darkest secrets, “I molested my younger brother when I was 13 and he was five. The day after Thanksgiving in 2008, I was raped. I feel like I deserved it.” No person deserves to be raped Charlie, but I would encourage you to go to get help for what sounds like a sexual addiction with the stuff you’re doing. Don’t wait until you burn your life to the ground. Sexual fantasies most powerful, “Voyerism(sp?) particularly when coupled with someone elses exhibitionism. Second or third to that is where I’m in abusive control or degraded submission.” Yeah I think the vouyerism’s(sp?) fine when other people know they’re being watched and participating but that other stuff you don’t wanna ruin your life or somebody else’s.

This is same survey filled out by a woman who calls herself Renee Elise(sp?) and just wanted to read one portion of it. A deepest darkest secrets she writes, “I work at a small family run boutique and recently haven’t been able to resist my urge to steal. I hate myself for this, especially since the owners treat me like family. I have also recently started back college for the third and hopefully last attempt but I can’t stop the bad habits that caused me to drop out before. I skip class, a lot and I spend most of the time panicking about the possibility I’ll have to drop out again, how disappointed my family, friends and boyfriend will be if this happens. I also smoke way too much marijuana. What used to settle my anxiety now aggravates it. I am addicted and it’s starting to take over my life.” There is help, there is help Rene and it sounds like you’re, theres a part of you that wants to sabotage yourself and a good place to start might be a support group for that, being addicted to smoking weed or stealing.

This is from, same survey, from Busy Boy. He is straight, in his 30s, was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment, some stuff happened but he doesn’t know if it counts as sexual abuse. “Mom encouraged me to touch her in ways that crossed the line. I was too young to know it was weird.” Well since you didn’t say what it was specifically, I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound like it was not sexual .. it sounds sexually abusive to me. You know, a mom encouraging her kid to touch her in ways that felt weird, yeah I don’t know how that couldn’t be sexually abusive. Deepest darkest thoughts, “Too many to go into detail.” Deepest darkest secrets, “About an hour ago I met up with a hooker in hotel room. She was sexy as hell and I was rearing to go, trouble is I jerk off so much that I let myself get “disabled “this time and couldn’t get up to fuck the hooker tonight. It was humiliating to leave her ten minutes after arriving at her door. On the bright side maybe I’ll be spared a case of VD or something worse. Still I’m feeling like a lightweight for not kicking a field goal.” Sexual fantasies most powerful to you, “I’m trying not to think about sex at the moment, wish me luck.” Secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings? “Disgust at the moment. I try pretty hard to be a “real man” sometimes and it often seems like that is the goal I will always fall short of.” Well, I would encourage you to get rid of the idea of a real man that our media portrays and go to talk to somebody about what happened with your mom and about your sexual compulsions. In the meantime, sending you a big warm hug.

Same survey filled out by a guy who calls himself Annoyed Grunt. Straight, in his 30s, and he only filled out part of the survey. He was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment. Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? Some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. “In eighth grade a classmate talked me into jerking him off at his house. I didn’t want to and got no pleasure from it but I thought I had to as he was one of the popular kids and I had no friends.” Sounds abusive to me, you know even though he was your peer, that sounds like coercion, like he was using his popularity but whatever category it falls into doesn’t matter. It’s what you felt that counts. And deepest darkest thoughts, “Fantasize about people mourning my death.” We oughta start a club for those of us that fanaticize about a sea of people being sad the day we day. And it could also be a brother/sister group with those of us who fantasize about nobody coming or a single person getting up and talking shit about us. Those seem to be the kind of binary responses to that survey that we have, the shouldn’t feel this way survey, anyway, continuing. “I imagine killing my self and seeing other peoples reactions. In high school I imagined strapping explosives to my body and exploding in front of the entire school.” I just call that showmanship. “Worst I fantasize about family members dying and other people hugging me as I mourn. I am most disturbed by this.” Buddy that sounds like such a human feeling to have, that you just want to be hugged and for most of us we can’t imagine why anybody would hug us so we have to picture something dramatic like somebody dying but what’s so awesome about support groups is, like just tonight, I came from my support group, I must have got 20 hugs and I was feeling kind of depressed when I rolled in there and I just felt like my chest was gunna burst open with joy and the warmth by the time I left. You know and I heard somebody in the group say, “When I stop coming here all I see myself is through my eyes and I forget what it looks like to see myself through your eyes” and it almost made me cry. So beautiful.

This is filled out by a woman who, same survey, who calls herself I Have No Last Name. She’s bisexual and qualifies in a lesbian relationship for 24 years, never been with a man, “I do find some men sexual attractive and in another life I would be bi.” She’s in her 40s, was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment. “Mother was a rescuer, mostly of people who would then fuck her over and in one case raped her.” Ever been the victim of sexual abuse, some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. “Mother was sexually inappropriate with me for my entire life until her death when I was 40.” And by the way, I am not specifically plucking out ones where moms were sexually inappropriate because that happens to be part of my story, this truly is the surveys as I printed them out but it does bring me comfort to know that it’s not that rare of a thing. Sorry you guys had to go through it, but anyway. Deepest darkest thoughts, “Suicide. I think about it constantly but know it would destroy my partner and I can’t do that to her.” Deepest darkest secrets, “I self harm but in a unique way. I just don’t take care of my body or mind, until recently. I’m obese, have diabetes and a family history of cardiac problems. I will go into a situation where I know I’m gunna get injured, just to get injured. I have no regard for myself. No one really knows how this all goes, sometimes not even me.” Well I’m sending you a big, big hug.

This is from Island Man, same survey. He is gay, in his 20s, was raised in an environment that was a little dysfunctional, never been sexually abused. Deepest darkest thoughts, “I think a lot about how my anxiety has given me a poverty of experiences socially but that I’ll never recover from. That I’ll be a loner until I die, that I’ve never really had a best friend I felt genuinely close to, that I’m going to have to hit rock bottom before I really wanna change anything but that I have no idea how scary that bottom is going to be or if I’m going to be able to climb back out.” Wow that’s deep, that’s deep and I can tell you maybe you will have to get a bottom in your isolating but it can be the best thing that ever happens to us. Deepest darkest secrets, “I love to drink alone. In high school I would,” by the way, I loved to drink alone, “in high school I would take my lunch into the bathroom and eat on the toilet because I was so afraid of eating with other people. My best friends growing up made me feel like an object of ridicule for being gay.” They don’t sound like very good friends. “Lying about my sexuality everyday in high school wrapped me up into a knot that I’ve never even come close to unwinding. I’m afraid that I’ve met so many strangers online for sex, that my monogamous sex with a long term partner wouldn’t be exciting enough for me anymore. I cheated on the only person I really was deeply in love with and then the moment of decision had a terrifying burst of clarity where I realized I wanted to burn my life down to the ground because it was starting to feel good and I didn’t deserve it.” Wow you are able to really go deep and really see some profound shit, continuing. “I wanted to burn my life, oh, I’m unemployed and have been turning down jobs recently because the thought of having to face a group of people with a smile everyday is too tall an order. I think my social anxiety boils down to a fear, a knowledge even, that other people can see through me like cracked thin ice into the gaping maw just below the surface so why even bother taking that maw out for a walk?” Well first of all I’m struck by what a great writer you are and second I’m struck by how much I hope you reach out for help. Sexual fantasies most powerful, “Anonymous sex in public restrooms, sex in public places, having sex while people watch.” I’m so sorry that you had to be treated the way you were in high school but there are people that will love you, there are people that will love you.

This is same survey filled out by a woman who calls herself Crew Woman 6(sp?). She’s bisexual, in her 30s, was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment. Ever been the victim of sexual abuse? Some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts. “When I was about four or five I played with a boy from next door on weekends and during the summer. I wanna say he was somewhere around 10 maybe 11, I don’t remember. One afternoon we were in my room and he asked me to play doctor. Like the naive child I was, I thought it would be fun. This was not the game I thought it would be, silly me to think we were actually pretending to be doctors. At any rate, he touched me and it wasn’t until later when I was 14 and experimenting with sex that I realized it was the same touching. I tried to tell my mother about it but she didn’t seem to understand. I suspect she eventually figured it out because he wasn’t allowed to come over again. I’m not sure if just a simple touch really counts but it was enough to stick with me still almost 30 years later.” Yes, a simple touch counts. Deepest darkest thoughts, “I sometimes dream about running away, away from my loving finance and two daughters, away from my job and my friends. I know I would go on a true bender getting high and drunk and just not giving a shit about all the things people tell me I should give a shit about. I dream about this but I don’t do it because I realize I couldn’t leave my life behind completely. Eventually I would miss it but a few days would be enough to get all the demons out of my brain or at least quiet them long enough at least to sleep.” Boy I hope you’re doing some kind of self care, nice things for yourself, you know, maybe go to a spa or take a weekend away with some friends. Deepest darkest secrets, “Been a functioning anorexic in my past. I have starved myself because I thought it would make me happy. I’ve also gone to a man’s home just for drugs and anonymous sex. I, to this day, do not know his name or anything else about him for that matter but it was what I felt I needed at the time.” Sexual fantasies most powerful you, “I have fantasies all the time about being dominated by a man and a woman. The most common involves my being tied up and tortured by them both, with whips, chains, nipple clamps and toys. It’s never painful or horrendous but the loss of control and not feeling self conscious about what others think is perfect.” I’m glad you added that about not feeling self conscious about what others think, it never occurred to me that that could be what giving control up is about because we’re not doing anything so we can’t be judged cuz I do fantasize about that sometimes as well and I always wonder you know, what is that about.

This is a happy moment survey filled out by, and thank you for that Crew Woman(sp?), this is filled out by Kyle and he writes “When I lived,” this is a happy moments survey, he writes “When I lived with my parents and mostly took care of the dog, one day while walking him I got Quiznos and went to the park to smoke a joint.” In parenthesis, “I am clean today.” “I let Brody, my dog, off his leash so he could explore and not be around the smoke as I consumed my garbage. I was disgusting and obsessing about anxiety and depression when Brody came and sat beside me. He seemed to understand my addiction and issues and contrary to the people in my life, he had the freedom of the entire park and the only place he wanted to be was beside me in the sunlight. For the next ten minutes, I felt more relief than any drug or food could give me.” I love that, that’s so beautiful. I think that’s why I love my dogs too, is just when they come and sit next to me it’s, I know they’re probably thinking hey feed me, but I like to think that they’re digging me.

This is from the shame and secrets survey, filled out by a guy who calls himself Pained Runner. He’s straight, in his 30s, was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment, never been sexually abused. Deepest darkest thoughts, “That I should be pushed both physically and emotionally by mistakes I’ve made in my relationship.” Deepest darkest secrets, “I was involved in an online emotional affair, though much time has passed I am still unable to completely move on, nope I have not contacted the other person in more than a year.” Sexual fantasies most powerful to you, “Sexual domination or cuckolding(sp?) which I realize stems from my compulsive desire to reach out for emotional nourishment outside my marriage. When my wife was extremely business with work or family I mistook her focus for intentional inattentiveness and I looked to fulfill my needs outside of my marriage. Because of that I am drawn to mild forms of submission, bdsm and find hand slaps on my genitals extremely stimulating. Also I fantasize about my partner engaging in her own extramarital affair, typically with one or more interracial partners. This is stimulating because of the still taboo nature of interracial relationships in mainstream society. It boils down to knowing I hurt my partner by straying. I wanna know that same feeling but with a definite sexual component.” Would you ever consider telling a partner or close friend? “I’ve shared this with her. I have only recently put the pieces together.” Did these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself? “I am trying not to assign any feelings to these thoughts. I do feel guilty or “less than” at times then I consider that I am not responsible for thoughts but I am responsible for my actions whether I act on these thoughts or compel/coerce my partner into living out these thoughts.” Thank you for sharing that.

Happy moment from Sasha. “Over the summer I took a course to be certified as an emergency dispatcher. On the last day of class we had to take fake calls and dispatch them appropriately. I was last to go and after my scenario was over and everybody was milling about, my instructor came over to talk to me, she shook my hand and said, “You’re going to be great.” It’s the greatest compliment I had ever received and it came from someone I really respect. It made me feel like I could do anything and succeed. I was so elated that someone had confidence in me and my abilities that the background hum of my constant anxiety was entirely forgotten for the rest of the day. This isn’t a hugely happy moment, but it was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Thank you for that. I love moments like that.

This is from the shame and secrets survey, filled out by a woman who calls herself Brunehilda(sp?). She’s straight, in her 20s, was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment, never been sexually abused. Deepest darkest thoughts, “I want my boyfriend’s mother to die.” Die is in capital letters. “I’ve seriously wished she would die on more than one occasion include when she was in an operation. She’s a chronic alcoholic, costed presence and is just a drain on me and my boyfriend’s relationships and future. My mother is white trash and is turning my bothers into fat miserable slobs. You can’t be fat and happy and healthy.” Oh Jesus, I am fuking this one up. “You can be fat and happy and healthy but not if you look to food for love, trust me I know. I’m terrified of becoming overweight because my mother and about 75 percent of my family is. My broad shoulders and broad hips seem to suggest that it will happen eventually.” Deepest darkest secrets, “I got into opera and public radio to try and rise above my families class. I have called my own mother a cunt several times and she bleeped it out, see asterisk, never to her face. I contemplated stealing several times in my life because I felt that I deserved the money more than the people who currently had it. I am terrified of becoming what I am, a writer.” I don’t know any writer that’s not a little terrified about what they do for a living. Any person in the creative field that doesn’t have moments of panic like oh fuck I’ve created my last good thing, the well is dry. Sexual fantasies most powerful to you, “I’m a switch bdsm.” I can’t, the print is kind of fucked up on this. Oh i see, “I’m a switch bdsm wise, which I attribute partly to the fact that punishment was never really attributed in a linear way in my childhood. The release that comes from dealing or receiving punishment is very cleansing. I’m also into hourglass expansion which is very rare for a woman, I’m not a lesbian or bi either so I’m not sure where it comes from.” I had to look that up, hourglass expansion, which I believe is kind of fetishizing women that have extremely, extremely curvy figures and I don’t know if that is in reality or if it’s just in art that, where they’re drawn that way where the person is attracted to but she writes “My partner knows everything he is a fetishist himself and it draws up closer and varies our sex life.” Well that’s beautiful. That’s awesome.

This is from Confused College Woman, from the shame and secrets survey. She is straight, although she writes “I am unsure, sometimes I think about other women sexually but I am attracted to men, however when having intercourse with a man I don’t enjoy it though I’ve never been with another woman but I find them sexually appealing.” Well I encourage you to check that out. She is 18, was raised in an environment that was a little dysfunctional, was the victim of sexual abuse and never reported it. Deepest darkest thoughts, “I think about getting high all the time and self injury. The thought of a blade bringing forth scarlet makes me shiver but I love it. I think about sex with women but question my sexuality.” Stop, stop questioning your sexuality, it’s such a waste of time. Deepest darkest secrets, “I’ve been raped multiple times and molested as a young child, age five, six, sevenish.” I am so sorry. Sexual fantasies most powerful to you, “I wanna take control because I’ve had it taken from me so many times. Mostly I just want passionate sex with love. I don’t want pressure, I want to receive but not give. I don’t wanna be controlled.” I see all of those things as being totally doable with the right partner, with the fact that you want to experience love with sex is an awesome sign. Did you ever consider telling a partner or close friend your fantasies? “Yes and no. I would but I’m fearful because I’m afraid a partner would leave if I don’t want to have sex or reciprocate sexual things.” That’s why I think it would be so good to process this with a therapist or support group because then you’d be ready for that person in a way that just getting into a relationship, you know, you’d have some momentum in going in your recovery from that terrible stuff that happened to you. Did these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself? “I hate myself for it, I am so confused.” Oh please don’t hate yourself. That’s totally normal to be confused. Christ, who isn’t confused at 18? Who’s not confused at 48? 38? 58? In fact I think I’m probably gunna go out with a perplexed look on my face.

Same survey, filled out by a guy who calls himself Gin Drinker. Straight, in his 40s, was raised in an environment that was a little dysfunctional, some stuff happened but I don’t know if it counts as sexual abuse. He doesn’t going into any detail. Deepest darkest thoughts, “I think I’m a full blown sex addict. It’s on my mind way too often for it to be normal. I don’t even want a relationship these days, I just want to fuck then be left alone.” That’s really common for people who’ve been sexually abused. That’s really common for people. Deepest darkest secrets, “I’m interacting with prostitutes a lot lately. Not only do I hire them for sex, I carry on text and/or phone conversations with the ones that seem to like it. I was house sitting for my folks recently and had a girl meet me at my parents place for a romp(sp?). I actually found myself fucking this chick on the bed my 68 year old mom sleeps in. That is a new low for me.” Sexual fantasies most powerful to you, “I want any and all women that are out of my league. I watch them in the malls and sometimes offer them cash to hook up. It’s a degrading practice, dangerous too, since a jealous husband may be near but in that moment I seem almost hopeless to fight the impulse to be a creepy asshole.” You know this reminds me of the previous survey about the guy that can’t stop himself, the guy that’s photographing people and just seems held by burning his life to the ground. I encourage you to get help before you burn your life to the ground or hurt somebody. You probably already, hate to say it, but you probably already have, I’m sure freaked people out. Let’s see, did you ever consider telling a partner or close friend? “There’s no one to tell really. I pretty much work, sleep and socialize with hookers. Sad but true.” Oh buddy, get in a support group. Get in a support group, you will have people that will not judge you, that will love you. Do these secrets and thoughts generate any particular feelings toward yourself? “Sometimes I wish I was more normal, in a relationship and going to Ikea instead of some shitty motel to meet a girl that needs lots of dental work.” That is a vivid picture. “But I had that involved life before a few times and it always ended up badly, even when I tried hard to be a good egg. Go ahead and mark my terminology Paul, lol.” You know, I’m not gunna mock your terminology cause I’m just thinking how textbook that is for an addict, that you try to self will your way to not engaging in destructive behavior. “I know I need to clean up my act but on my days now I lack inspiration to be a better man.” I know that’s the thing that’s so hard is we lack that desire to change and it seems like sometimes we have to be looking into the jaws of death to go, you know what, this isn’t working, I need to ask for help. I hope you ask for help buddy, I really do.

And our final survey is a happy moment filled out by Taylor who writes “It’s bit of a long story, so I’ll apologize ahead of time. I played football all throughout high school, I was never all that great and didn’t get much playing time on the varsity squad. I always felt so alone and even though I was on this team of 60 other people, however I found my place on the JV team where I started on both sides of the ball. I loved away games, we would wake up at an ungodly hour on Saturday mornings, play some other group of benchwarmers two hours away from us. We would get on the bus and start our journey through all of this open farm land, I’d gaze out the window and look at the random assortment of crops and farm animals until I dozed off. When we finally got there, we would stretch, review a few of our offensive and defensive assignments and then I and a few other seniors would meet the opposing team for the coin toss. I felt like a leader and like I was important to the team. I felt a since of belonging that I hadn’t felt any other time during high school. Whether we won or we lost, I always felt like we were this group of misfits that were just out there because all we wanted to do was play and show off our unrecognized talents. There was no pressure to live up to any expectations and that’s what made me so happy.” That’s beautiful. And I also love it because people think, Oh if you make a sports team you’re automatically in and you automatically feel a part of. That’s how I used, I was too small to play football on high school and I used to look with envy at the guys were big enough and athletic enough to play it and thank you for reminding us that just cause you get in the door doesn’t mean that you feel a part of. And I hope that anybody out there that’s feeling not a part of, I hope you know from me reading all these surveys and saying the stuff I say that there are places where you can feel alone where you can get into that ocean of energy that suffuses the universe and .. oh my stomach’s growling. I better get something to eat and go look up the word suffuse. And sending you guys a big hug. Thank you for being such a big part of my life and bringing such meaning to my life and I’m just really, really grateful and I hope that you know you’re not alone and thanks for listening.

*Outro* Everybody I know is bizarrely, beautifully fucked up in some weird way.