Photos by Claire Lower.

Drinking is good, but drinking on the cheap is better, which is why I was quite excited when my editor alerted me to the existence of California Roots, an exclusive-to-Target line of wines that cost a mere five bucks per bottle.


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Though five isn’t a huge number of dollars, it’s still five dollars I don’t want you to waste. With that money you could buy a breakfast sandwich, several candy bars, or a photo booth strip commemorating a nice evening out, such as I did with Patrick and Patrick when we were all in New York.


My point is that a small price tag isn’t enough for me to suggest you buy something, which is why I schlepped over to Target and purchased all five bottles of this supposed “vineyard-to-table goodness.” This caused the cashier boy to smirk and ask me if I was “having an okay day,” as if he knew me and my life.

Though I have very exacting tastes when it comes to gin and whiskey, my wine palate is not as advanced, so I decided to invite my friend Lisa over, as Lisa not only knows her vino, but is comfortable in her snobbishness in a way that only a Sagittarius can be.

I hate these things.

The California Roots line features five varietals or blends: a Pinot Grigio, a Chardonnay, a red blend, a Cabernet Sauvignon and a Moscato. We tasted them in that order, leaving the Moscato for last as we figured it would be quite sweet. (We also ate saltines and drank tap water between each wine, to cleanse our palates but also because I love saltines.)


Upon opening the first bottle, I noted to Lisa that I found the use of plastic cork to be very annoying, as a screw-top would have been perfectly acceptable for the price point. Also, if you’re going to pretend like you’re fancy, at least use a real cork. A plastic cork is neither here nor there, and slows down your wine consumption while being oppressively tacky.

Anyway. Let’s talk about the wine.

The Whites


I have always found shitty white wine to be harder to drink than shitty red wine, so I was most nervous about these.

Pinot Grigio

What was promised: “Vibrant citrus and tropical fruit flavors let you enjoy the fresh, easygoing feeling of summer any time of the year.”

“Vibrant citrus and tropical fruit flavors let you enjoy the fresh, easygoing feeling of summer any time of the year.” What was delivered: This was a medium-bodied, somewhat syrupy, slightly effervescent (why?) wine with flavors of papaya and other vague tropical flavors. It was quite acidic and very ethanol forward, and actually burned our throats a bit, kind of like a tiny shot.

This was a medium-bodied, somewhat syrupy, slightly effervescent (why?) wine with flavors of papaya and other vague tropical flavors. It was quite acidic and very ethanol forward, and actually burned our throats a bit, kind of like a tiny shot. Did we drink the whole bottle? No. Neither Lisa nor I made it past five or so sips.

No. Neither Lisa nor I made it past five or so sips. What could you use it for? You could cook with it, I guess.

Chardonnay

What was promised: “Lush tropical fruit flavors and a bright finish will transport you to a warm, sunny day at the farmers market.”

“Lush tropical fruit flavors and a bright finish will transport you to a warm, sunny day at the farmers market.” What was delivered: Upon sniffing, Lisa noted that this one smelled like “rubbery apples,” and she was correct. This was a much thinner, less acidic wine with flavors of golden apples, citrus pith, and (Lisa detected) garden hose on the back palate. (I had identified “garden hose” as “generic rubber” so it’s a good thing Lisa was there.)

Upon sniffing, Lisa noted that this one smelled like “rubbery apples,” and she was correct. This was a much thinner, less acidic wine with flavors of golden apples, citrus pith, and (Lisa detected) garden hose on the back palate. (I had identified “garden hose” as “generic rubber” so it’s a good thing Lisa was there.) Did we drink the whole bottle? Lisa did not finish her glass, but she did watch me finish mine. I did not refill.

Lisa did not finish her glass, but she did watch me finish mine. I did not refill. What could you use it for? I would not buy this wine for pure drinking enjoyment. I guess you could use it in a spritzer or white wine sangria but, due to its incredibly light body, it would be easily overwhelmed by other ingredients, which could be a good or bad thing.


Moscato

What was promised: “Delicate aromas and creamy peach and melon flavors make every day feel a little more special.”

“Delicate aromas and creamy peach and melon flavors make every day feel a little more special.” What was delivered: Since we tasted this one last, my notes are a little hard to read, but they contain such gems as “smells like Blueberry Morning cereal,” “drinkable Escada perfume,” and “BAD,” angrily scrawled in all caps. Lisa’s observations were a bit more refined, as she noted a high amount of residual sugar, no alcoholic burn whatsoever, and “peach Jolly Rancher” flavors.

Since we tasted this one last, my notes are a little hard to read, but they contain such gems as “smells like Blueberry Morning cereal,” “drinkable Escada perfume,” and “BAD,” angrily scrawled in all caps. Lisa’s observations were a bit more refined, as she noted a high amount of residual sugar, no alcoholic burn whatsoever, and “peach Jolly Rancher” flavors. Did we drink the whole bottle? No. No, we did not.

No. No, we did not. What could you use it for? Nothing.

Out of all the whites, the Chardonnay fared the best. I wouldn’t buy it again, but I wouldn’t be mad if someone had it out at a house party, or poured it into a punch. It should be noted that the Chard is the only one that didn’t make Lisa gag a little, but she is a Pisces moon, and thus very sensitive. (I didn’t gag at all.) Let’s see how the reds did.


The Reds

I like my wine like I like my men—red.


As I mentioned earlier, cheap red is usually easier to stomach than cheap white, so I was tentatively excited I would find a gem in one of these bottles.


Red Blend

What was promised: “Smooth berry and cherry flavors with hints of spice offer the perfect antidote to the workweek.”

“Smooth berry and cherry flavors with hints of spice offer the perfect antidote to the workweek.” What was delivered: This was a jammy red with flavors of cherries, ultra-ripe blackberries, and a little vanilla. It smelled like tobacco, but like the kind of tobacco you would find in a cigarello. It was a little tannic, and Lisa thought it tasted very alcoholic. I didn’t find it to be that ethanol-forward, but I drink a lot of cold gin (for fun).

This was a jammy red with flavors of cherries, ultra-ripe blackberries, and a little vanilla. It smelled like tobacco, but like the kind of tobacco you would find in a cigarello. It was a little tannic, and Lisa thought it tasted very alcoholic. I didn’t find it to be that ethanol-forward, but I drink a lot of cold gin (for fun). Did we drink the whole bottle? No, but Lisa (once again) watched me finish my glass.

No, but Lisa (once again) watched me finish my glass. What could you use it for? Lisa suggested a Kalimotxo hit it with a blender first


Cabernet Sauvignon

What was promised: “Juicy cherry flavors, hints of oak and graceful finish elevate even the simplest pleasures.”

“Juicy cherry flavors, hints of oak and graceful finish elevate even the simplest pleasures.” What was delivered: This wine smelled and tasted of dates and raisins, with just a bit of pepper. It was jammy, alcohol-forward, and not very tannic. Lisa felt that the grapes in this wine—and frankly, in all of the others we had tried—had “obviously been grown in a very warm place,” as each blend tasted super ripe.

This wine smelled and tasted of dates and raisins, with just a bit of pepper. It was jammy, alcohol-forward, and not very tannic. Lisa felt that the grapes in this wine—and frankly, in all of the others we had tried—had “obviously been grown in a very warm place,” as each blend tasted super ripe. Did we drink the whole bottle? No, and neither of us finished our glass.

No, and neither of us finished our glass. What could you use it for? Sangria. I definitely wouldn’t eat it with a steak, as it simply isn’t bold enough for that, but it would be fine if combined with other booze and a bunch of fruit.


Out of everything we tasted, the only bottle I’d purchase again is the Red Blend, which I will probably use for the aforementioned kalimotxo situation. It’s also the only bottle I’ll finish by way of drinking from a glass. The rest—besides the Moscato—will probably be used for cooking.