Who’s the Americanest of them all? A 6-step guide

Having your vodka and drinking it too

It’s frustrating. All your social media profiles include a depiction of a prominent American flag in some shape or form. Also an aggressive-looking critically endangered bald eagle. You have shown continual support to gun toting groups featuring their emblems and your membership status over various camo backgrounds. Where you stand has never been in question. As a matter of fact, you bleed red white and blue only pausing to cough up gun powder.

Still, this doesn’t appear to convince some people. They stubbornly claim that you have forsaken America by being neutral and/ or openly receptive to a hostile foreign state. This has left you …angry. Angrier than you’ve been the past 8 years when you were led by a Person. Unfortunately, there’re no presidential elections in the near future to express your mood.

Not to worry. Various tactics can be employed to once and for all assert your patriotic standing. Most of the these are improvements on things you’re already doing so it will be an easy transition.

Belief-reinforcing Literature

Diligently consume and produce propaganda on Persons who have taken control of the banking industry and the media in a clandestine effort to manipulate your brain and destiny. Desecration of graves and worshiping sites is recommended, but not entirely necessary due to increased chances of imprisonment. Never underestimate the power of spray paint. You are already proficient in symbols that infuriate Persons. If not, ask Siri or Alexa. Practice drawing your symbol of choice on pieces of scrap paper which you can later chew and toss in the trash or ingest. Be creative and imaginative. Obvious symbols may make the public think you’re lazy. There are various illustrations of French green frogs with red lipstick that serve this purpose perfectly. Spray the image under the cover of darkness..A ski mask would also help..and rubber gloves.

Giving them the alpha business

Assert your dominance on effeminate males who inexplicably mostly tend to be Persons. Brush up roughly against them in queues and compliment their girlfriends . This can also be achieved by tricking them into handshakes and engaging in surprise hand gymnastics. Yanking back violently is advised, but may lead to inadvertent and unsightly facial injuries — some Persons can suddenly and unexpectedly become very American when they perceive a threat.

Dangerous birds of prey

Procure a pet bald eagle. Be sure to purchase a full body aluminium armor suit (this can be obtained on amazon.com/renaissance). Eagles tend to peck and claw quite viciously at unsuspecting (or suspecting..it doesn’t really seem to matter) owners leaving lasting ghastly scars. Additionally, overzealous ones can cause the incurable and much feared ‘death in monster truck syndrome’. Have the patriotic avian predator ride shotgun and drive around town nonchalantly. This is only for the most masculine of stomachs. The practice involves regular cleaning of decaying fish remains, rodent carcasses and bird droppings from your seats and dashboard.

Star-Spangled Banner

Historians are baffled by the practice of displaying treasonous flags to communicate patriotism. [Image source: NY Daily Post}

This is arguably the best way to repudiate those perpetual accusations of being an espionage enabler. For maximum shocking effect, the bigger the better. You can mount your giant flag on the bed of your truck. Hoist it up like a sail and you could even use it to travel to work if you live close to a water channel. Don’t have a pickup truck? Chop your roof off with your machine gun. Conversely, if you work on the side of a high scenic cliff, you can use it to glide to your place of employment on breezy days…like your eagle.

Identifying and berating Persons

Scowl at Persons who clog your city’s streets with food trucks selling delicious, but overly spicy exotic food encased in flour casings. Don’t care for downtown traffic? Well you dear sir/ madam are in luck. Immediately head on over to any Home Depot. These are conveniently located in the suburbs where you’ll find Persons idling in the parking lot. Execute a drive-by frown while revving your engine. Don’t know where the new one is located? Call your American contractor friends. They know where ALL the Home Depots are located due to their fervent use of Persons to complete projects on time and under budget like a bloated Fuhrer. Just the other day, your American friend bemoaned his giant flag undercutting the number of Persons he can fit on the bed of his truck.

In the same light, scream obscenities and yell at Persons sporting fancy religious headdresses and elongated facial hair. In fact, just holler at anyone that reminds you of Alladin. Picture how his grandfather would’ve looked like and give them a mouthful .

Call of duty

Use your newly Americanized vehicle to patrol the border in search of Persons. It’s highly advised to arm yourself with anti venom. Such places are littered with rattlesnakes and other undiscovered reptiles that will definitely try to bite you causing you to die.