University of Rochester to Relocate to Rochester, England

With 70-degree temperatures expected to hit upstate New York this weekend, University of Rochester administrators are taking drastic measures to avoid an outbreak of Spring Fever, and are relocating the entire university to a region with a climate more suitable for scholarly pursuits: Rochester, England. Today's forecast for the English coastline around Kent: grey, cloudy, with a chance of heavy showers and a high of 6 degrees Celsius (that's 42 degrees for the rest of us).

"We were expecting a huge spike in student frolicking and general frivolity in the coming days, and that just wouldn't do," said Vice President of Communications Bill Murphy. "I mean, final exams are only three weeks away, people! This is not a time for Frisbees!"

Student groups claim they are excited about the move, but remain confused over some of the specifics. The football team has expressed doubts over the new "feet only" rule. Student a cappella groups and Eastman School of Music ensembles are working on adapting "Beside the Genessee" to "Beside the Medway" with mixed results. And news that the Mongolian Grill in Danforth would be replaced with a build-your-own black pudding bar was met with only blank stares and the occasional wrinkled nose.

Late in the day, however, some student leaders who had opposed the move announced that the entire plan had been scrapped when it was learned that Rochester, England, receives only three to six inches of snow a year, making traying down the castle hill all but impossible. "Last year they got, like, nine inches of snow in a day and it was like a huge drama or something," said one student. "Here, we just call that 'Tuesday.'"