fucking monsters crashing around in your hallway all night. The next morning, mommy and daddy will have a fight that lasts all day because there were two grown-ups dressed like the same monster, and mommy gave a head to the wrong one.

Childhood

This is no time to fuck around: I know you want to go as a Ninja Turtle or a Power Ranger or whatever the modern equivalent of that is (is that a Naruto? Is that what Narutos are?) or if you're a girl, it's probably some kind of princess. It has and will always be that way: Every kid either wants to be the guy in some sort of full-body suit that kicks people, or the girl that gets rescued by that kid that won't stop kicking people.

That's an excellent impulse, and I completely understand it. But you should be thinking strategy right now: It's not about what you want, it's about what's going to get you the most candy. Sure, you'll get something no matter what you dress up as, but if you want the good stuff -- the double-handful, the Reese's Peanut Butter Big Cup, or the holy grail of Halloween: The normal size candy bar -- you're going to have to make some sacrifices. So how do you best maximize your candy-earning potential? Well, your first impulse is going to be to wow the marks with the amazing creativity and work put into your costume. And you'll get a lot of compliments that way, but look in that bag, kid, what do you see? Fucking Smarties.

Again.

Oh, holy shit: Is that an apple?

God is dead!

This is going to go against every instinct you have, but please trust me: You need to be a ghost. And not just any ghost...