FORT KNOX, Ky. — Army Human Resources Command (HRC) has been popping champagne corks all day after achieving a command first: 110 percent of Army officers have gotten their preferred number one assignments! The celebration continued long into the night, around a bonfire the size of HRC’s success.

A drone with a microphone and speaker served as HRC’s spokesman, saying, “We could not be happier. We knew there would be hiccups, but after 115 percent of all officers received their number one choices, we knew we had pulled it off.”

Dozens of officers happened to choose beautiful assignments in Fort Polk, Louisiana; liaison officer positions at Twentynine Palms, California; and even slots at Altus Air Force Base, Oklahoma, which tied with Canon Air Force Base, New Mexico.

The announced 125 percent of all Army officers getting their top number one pick was a 245 percent increase above all expectations.

The speaker drone had some details on that.

“It turns out that some of the branches used rank to order the officers to pick certain units!” the drone said. “Can you imagine that? It was brilliant, because then the system says that those officers got their number one pick. Win-win in our book!”

One officer, Capt. Taylor Allen, thought he was going to get out of the military. But the joke’s on him. “I was trying to resign from the Army, but then I saw the better options in AIM 2.0. I got my #1 choice, which was Fort Polk! My 1.1 choice was Germany, but Fort Polk was my 1.9 so I’ve got nothing to complain about.”

We can all agree. The new system has a 376 percent success rate in the books.

Fort Polk couldn’t be happier and held their own bonfire ceremony to celebrate the 9,000 percent victory over the system.