VATICAN CITY—After setting down a small tote bag and unfolding a plastic lawn chair next to the Vatican Obelisk, Pope Francis was reportedly spotted Wednesday afternoon sunbathing nude in the middle of St. Peter’s Square. “He poured himself some ice-cold sacramental wine out of a little thermos, and then he just took off his papal vestments, got totally naked, and lay down to soak up the rays,” said 49-year-old Vatican City tourist James Leahey, adding that after roughly 30 minutes, the pontiff carefully re-anointed his entire body with holy tanning oil and then turned over to lie on his stomach. “He was flipping through a paperback Bible for a while, but then he tilted his miter down over his eyes and fell asleep.” At press time, Pope Francis had put his clothes back on and was preparing to leave just as Pope Benedict XVI rollerbladed through St. Peter’s Square wearing his usual neon yellow tank top and high, cutoff jean shorts.

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