Pit Bull Rescues Crust Punk Despite Aggressiveness of Breed

FLINT, Mich. — Local pit bull James Earl Bones rescued a crust punk yesterday from a no-kill shelter despite the negative stereotypes of aggressive temperament of the crust breed, sources closest to the benevolent dog confirmed.

“I saw him and my heart just melted. He was flea-ridden — he looked like he hadn’t had a bath in ages,” said Bones. “Poor thing looked so hungry… his Leftöver Crack shirt was so ratty, you could count his ribs. But when he came up to me and licked my paw and asked if I had any spare change, we had an instant connection.”

Bones was initially skeptical about rescuing a crust punk, due to the stigma surrounding the subculture.

“We’ve all heard the stories of crust punks starting fights, or screaming about the evils of capitalism on a street corner. My friend’s mom was nearly bitten at a public park once when she tried giving a crust punk half a sandwich,” said Bones. “But it’s totally unfair to lump them all in together. So far, I’ve had no major incidents with mine. I mean, I had to stop letting him around the cat, and he can’t drink malt liquor after sunset, but otherwise, he’s great. He’s very loyal.”

Some still claim, however, that the aggressive tendencies of crust punks are ingrained in their DNA, and nothing can be done to properly rehabilitate them.

“There’s no such thing as a safe crust punk,” said Leslie Schmitt, chairperson of Mothers Against Punks. “They’re extremely unpredictable. You always hear about them using crude face tattoos to scare children. I don’t care who its owner is or how its raised — this breed is dangerous.”

Despite everything, Bones remains optimistic about his new pet.

“I’m in the middle of trying to move, so that’s been a bit difficult,” said Bones. “Every housing ad you see is like, ‘No crust punks,’ or ‘Nothing that even looks like a punk.’ We’ll figure it out, though. As long as I have my little buddy, we’ll be fine. Now we just gotta get him housebroken.”