Washington D.C.—

Donald Trump has spent his entire life mythologizing himself as a genius business man who makes impeccably profitable deals, but, now that he’s president, he’s proven all of that nonsense.

“He was never really rich,” explained a former business partner of Donald Trump, who requested anonymity to “talk trash” on the President. “Trump had a career of amassing epic personal debt that he would then sell to companies he’d let go bankrupt. He’s a nitwit who ruined his credit over and over, and the only reason he has money at all now is because Russian oligarchs have been laundering money into his bank accounts for years with loan money that isn’t intended to be returned as long as he advances Russia geopolitical interests in the American government.”

The Halfway Post reporter let the business man continue his rant.

“Trump hasn’t actually made any deals yet if you think about it. He let Republicans do their own Obamacare repeal and he put his name on it, which, in fairness to the GOP, probably killed it faster than if Trump wasn’t trying to take credit for it, or hounding the press with promises that everyone would love it, and everyone would be covered, and on and on with other promises the GOP never intended to try to keep. Have you ever noticed that Trump never actually explains any details on anything he ever brings up himself? All he says is ‘you’re gonna love it so much’ and ‘it’s gonna be so great and beautiful.’ The guy is a used car salesman through and through.”

The train of thought moved to current political battles in the national dialogue.

“And even tax reform, of all legislative efforts, itself appears to be depending entirely on Roy Moore winning Jeff Sessions’ Senate seat in order to pass this terrible bill that America loathes by a 50-50 vote that Vice President Mike Pence will break. Yeesh. Roy Moore. And after Sessions it’s like Alabama is trading one little racist gnome for another. Meanwhile, Mississippi is ecstatic to tell any state that will listen that, unlike Alabama, it does not elect probable-child-molesters. And, for Christ’s sake, the Olympics are coming up in South Korea, and Trump appears to be trying to provoke North Korea into a war that will cancel the Olympics. Trump is so bad at deals he can’t even make a deal with North Korea or the rest of the world to make sure the Olympics go on without the murder of every country’s best athletes. WTF? It was always obvious before, but now it is painfully clear that Trump sucks at dealmaking. Can’t even save the f***ing Olympics. What an idiot. I can’t talk about this anymore, this clown in the Oval makes me too angry. Ruining America. Can’t even make a deal for the Olympics. Art of the deal, my ass!”

The former Trump business partner removed his microphone from his suit lapel and left.

(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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