“New York Ranks Last in Happiness Rating.” —Headline in the Times.

Illustration by Laurie Rosenwald

SCENE: Mannahatta, May 24, 1626. On the horizon are two tall-masted ships, anchored in the Hudson. Two Lenape Indians, CALKANICHA, a chief, and LAPOWINSA, a younger tribesman, converse in their native Lenape, beneath an ancient oak tree.

CALKANICHA: (troubled) They showed you the beads?

LAPOWINSA: Yes, Grandfather. Beads, kettles, duffel cloth—you were just saying how we could use some duffel cloth.

CALKANICHA: I know, I know. (Sighs.) It just doesn’t add up.

Just then, a large contingent of Dutchmen approaches the Indians. They set down a large wooden chest, overflowing with wampum beads, duffel cloth, and other assorted goods. PETER MINUIT, the director-general of New Netherland, removes his hat and bows deeply.

PETER MINUIT: (in Dutch) Greetings, most wise and noble chief. On behalf of the Dutch East India Company, I offer you these valuable treasures in exchange for the rights to this tree-filled island and all its surrounding lands.

Lapowinsa and Calkanicha peer into the chest. They chat animatedly with each other in Lenape. After a minute, Minuit becomes antsy.

PETER MINUIT: Er, is there a problem?

Lapowinsa replies in rudimentary Dutch.

LAPOWINSA: Chief want me to say he appreciate offer—especially the wampum. Chief big on wampum. (Calkanicha gives a thumbs-up.) But, before we sign anything, we want to make sure white man understand what he is getting into.

PETER MINUIT: (confused ) I’m not sure what you mean . . .

LAPOWINSA: Look, we not want to seem patronizing—after all, it’s your duffel cloth—but we been in Mannahatta long time. And, sure, it seem dazzling and sophisticated at first. But living here? (He makes a skeptical face.) It not everything it cracked up to be.

PETER MINUIT: (worried) Why? Is there a scourge? Warlike neighbors?

LAPOWINSA: Not “scourge” per se. (Pinches fingers philosophically.) More like cultural pathology.

PETER MINUIT: I don’t follow.

LAPOWINSA: You know, little things: like how people only interested in “what you hunt,” not “who you are”; the relentless sarcasm; Fashion Week—oh, and how everyone always talking about Greenmarket! Seriously, it’s just produce! It make you feel like social pariah because you don’t like rainbow chard.

Calkanicha interjects.

__

LAPOWINSA: Chief say chard thing even worse in Brooklyn.

PETER MINUIT: (annoyed ) I fail to see how this is relevant . . .

LAPOWINSA: We just saying that this place have way of skewing people’s priorities. For example: Chief reside in bearskin district. Chief’s brother-in-law Eriwoneck live behind that new Montessori school in East Village, only twenty thousand paces distant. And yet they never see each other, because Eriwoneck refuse to journey beyond Fourteenth Creek!

Calkanicha shakes his head ruefully. The Dutchmen are totally mystified.

LAPOWINSA: (pensive) You know, it amazing how warrior can live among so many kinsmen and yet feel so alone.

PETER MINUIT: (exasperated ) If you are trying to discourage us from settling in this place, it will not work! We shall tame this savage land, and it will be a paradise on earth! A city free from extravagance and disproportionate compensation; with modern schools, selfless governance, and a system of congestion pricing to minimize gridlock!

Lapowinsa chortles.

PETER MINUIT: (grandiose) Romantic entanglements shall be mature and drama-free, and man shall treat his neighbor with exquisite grace and consideration—even if he is in a really big hurry.

The natives stare blankly at the white man for a full minute. Finally, Calkanicha shrugs.

LAPOWINSA: (translating) Chief say, “Knock yourselves out.”

Moments later, Lapowinsa and Calkanicha sign the deed of sale, and move to the country, like they always talked about. Sure enough, the New Amsterdam colony is plagued by violence, ethnic tension, and chronic mismanagement, and in 1674 the beleaguered settlement is ceded to Great Britain. Conditions remain difficult for the next three hundred years or so, until someone finally builds an IKEA. ♦