BOYS IN THE AVIARY, BABY

by XanderMartin98 (honestly, who else would something like this be written by?)

One incredibly fateful afternoon in the ever-so-incalculably vast reaches of outer space, in the central command room of Dr. Gel's dearly beloved Spaceship Of Liberty, the "super-intelligent" Gel and his ever-so-faithful assistant (Bea) were indeed rather deeply engaged...not in some sort of incredibly bizarre interspecies romantic relationship with each other, mind you, but rather in a scaldingly heated debate regarding exactly WHAT sort of obscenely contrived evil scheme would be the most effective for them to hatch next in the process of their exhaustingly endless quest to finally catch their increasingly notorious Dandy arch-nemesis once and for all (before then, apparently far less importantly, proceeding to harness his seemingly boundless Pyonium energy for the greater good of Gogol Empire civilization from there). Needless to say, the two of them were quite clearly running out of ideas to a simply outrageous extent that would quite frankly put even the Spongebob Squarepants writers to shame, and their commander (Admiral Perry, who appeared as a flaming skeletal ghost king on their command monitor) was most definitely far from amused by their perpetually un-productive and meandering antics, to say the least.

"Alright, that's PLENTY enough of your senseless, fruitless bickering between each other for one day, you ridiculously incompetent FOOLS!" Admiral Perry (more accurately, his aforementioned virtual avatar) suddenly appeared on Gel's and Bea's command monitor and furiously thundered at both of them, causing the two of them to immediately stop what they were doing and reflexively flinch in terror at the mere sound of his voice.

"Um, w-we SINCERELY apologize, good sir! It won't happen again, we PROMISE! Please spare us, PLEASE!" Gel and Bea got down onto their hands and knees and pathetically begged Admiral Perry while he just disgustedly scoffed at them and muttered "with servants like these" underneath his breath in response.

"Fine, I suppose I will...in exchange, however, you two had DAMNED better come up with at least one relatively decent, non-entirely-predictable scheme for capturing Dandy and then immediately relay it to me within at MOST the next five minutes from now, or else you can absolutely kiss your sorry excuses for LIVES, let alone careers, goodbye!" Admiral Perry angrily warned Gel and Bea while they just begrudgingly got back up onto their feet, nodded their heads and struggled to regain their breath in response.

"Well, if push comes to shove, I suppose that we could always just tie his pathetically weak, incompetent and useless sidekicks up with some of our good old space rope, then slowly but surely lower them into one of our numerous frightfully massive vats of acid until he inevitably comes to save them like the obnoxiously naive walking superhero caricature that he clearly most certainly is…" Gel rested his left cheek on the palm of his corresponding hand and boredly, tiredly suggested as he ever-so-astonishingly-meticulously checked his right hand for hangnails.

"I said NON-entirely-predictable!" Admiral Perry infuriatedly roared at Gel, who simply rolled his eyes and resentfully groaned in response while Perry seethingly (but thankfully emptily) threatened to permanently halve his salary as punishment for said eye-rolling and resentful groaning.

"In all fairness, though, the Dandy-capturing method that Gel just suggested actually COULD, in fact, theoretically end up being shockingly effective against Dandy despite its rather embarrassingly primitive and done-to-death nature, you know!" Bea listlessly shrugged his shoulders and annoyedly reminded Admiral Perry.

"Yeah, yeah, and I suppose that Kryptonite could also theoretically end up being shockingly effective against him…" Admiral Perry bitterly snarked while Gel and Bea exasperatedly tossed their arms out beside themselves and gave each other rather profoundly distinct "can you even freaking BELIEVE this absolute horse shit" looks in response.

"Well then, TELL me, Mister Perfect; can you really come up with any BETTER suggestions for dealing with someone as utterly batshit crazy as Dandy is?!" Gel shook his fists at Admiral Perry and angrily, sarcastically asked him.

"Hmm...you know what? Now that you mention it, yes...yes, I CAN come up with a better idea, actually!" Bea had a positively orgasmic Sudden Eureka Moment (complete with him enthusiastically pointing his right index finger straight up into the air as a brightly glowing lightbulb suddenly appeared directly above his already-rather-cartoonishly eggplant-shaped head, naturally) and ecstatically proclaimed while Gel and Admiral Perry just nonchalantly sighed "and THAT would be?" in response.

"Look, I know that this might seem like an incredibly alien concept to you two, but instead of wasting so much effort on trying to capture Dandy OUR-selves, how about we simply let him and those downright hilariously awful sidekicks of his slowly but surely destroy THEM-selves?" Bea suggested while Gel and Admiral Perry just confusedly cocked their eyebrows at him and ever-so-curiously asked him "and HOW, exactly?".

"Well, just THINK about it for a second; the omnipotent god that watches us from above and extremely-campily narrates every single major event of our lives is also the very same omnipotent god that has us stuck in this seemingly endless time loop in which none of the extremely bad and often outright lethal things that constantly happen to us ever actually matter in the grand scheme of things because they're all just going to be instantly undone shortly after their occurrences anyway, right?" Bea extremely long-windedly explained to Gel and Admiral Perry while the former of the two just flabbergastedly scratched his head with his right index finger and flatly asked "say what?" in response.

"Well, yes, but how exactly do you even KNOW about all of this stuff, pardon my asking? Are you perhaps some kind of shameless mercenary SPY, by any chance?" Admiral Perry VERY worriedly asked Bea.

"Never mind that!" Bea frustratedly and very hastily replied, with his eyes rapidly and VERY nervously darting back and forth as he did so while Gel and Admiral Perry tightly closed their own eyes, clapped their hands together and very sincerely prayed to their aforementioned god (me, to be exact) that Bea was on THEIR side rather than that of their REAL main enemy (the Jaicro Empire).

"The REAL point that I'm trying to make here is this: whenever this so-called 'god' of ours inexplicably rewinds us back to life after we die, he essentially RE-WRITES our existences as a whole, does he not?" Bea assertively pointed out to Gel and Admiral Perry while the two of them just worriedly but wordlessly stared at him in response, honestly unsure of exactly HOW to respond to what he was saying.

"Well, assuming that such a thing is indeed the case, let's see what happens if/when I decide to send this so-called 'god' of ours a rather...well, morally questionable little request that I've been secretly thinking about sending him behind Gel's back for quite some time now, shall we?" Bea smugly concluded his explanation, eagerly pulling out his smartphone from the depths of his pants and then immediately proceeding to dial my exact hotline number on it as he did so.

"How and why does BEA, of all people, know our god's exact phone number?" Gel almost-audibly thought to himself as I, surely enough, pulled out my OWN smartphone and dutifully answered Bea's call.

"Why, hello there, Mr. Narrator; how ARE things, good sir?" Bea smugly greeted me with a truly devilish ear-to-ear grin on his face, being so clearly up to no good that I would have easily been able to hear his unmistakably malicious intent seeping through his voice even without being able to see him (or already knowing beforehand how much of a traitorous psychopath he actually was, for that matter).

"Oh, fine, I suppose...there's not really much for me to talk about right now, but assuming that you have some sort of supposedly important request for me, I would definitely be more than happy to hear it." I rather (ironically) meekly replied while Bea's smile grew even more unsettlingly wide and shit-eating in response.

"Oh, you'd sure as Hell better BELIEVE that I've got an important request for YOU, mister!" Bea chuckled every bit as insufferably smugly as ever, leaving me unable to ask anything other than "and that would be?" in response.

"In order to break the rather ironic monotony of Dandy's, Meow's and QT's 'eat, sleep, inadvertently make fun of various pop culture tropes, rinse and repeat' lives, why don't you try re-writing Dandy and QT into complete fetish-crazed psychopaths with absolutely no respect for Meow and pretty much no human decency altogether, so that they can then proceed to infiltrate the poor little weeaboo freeloader kitten's body and hijack his brain for the express purpose of completely and utterly RUINATING his entire life for their own revoltingly selfish amusement?" Bea rather...disturbingly over-excitedly suggested, even causing Gel and Admiral Perry to rather nervously look at each other and make several mocking "cuckoo" noises at the sadistic bastard's expense in response while I myself audibly shuddered at the mere thought of actually doing/making what Bea was requesting.

"REALLY, Bea? You really don't think that the animated show business has awful enough of a reputation for 'torture porn' episodes already? Not even after Ren Seeks Help (Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon), Ball Of Revenge (Courage The Cowardly Dog) and One Coarse Meal (Spongebob Squarepants)?" I disgustedly pointed out to Bea...but sadly to absolutely no avail whatsoever.

"Silly narrator, don't you know? You can NEVER have quite enough torture porn in THIS world, ya FOOL!" Bea angrily growled at me, with Gel and Admiral Perry both being every bit as visibly frightened as I was by the sheer amount of animalistic passion that had suddenly been infused into his normally extremely dorky and meek-sounding voice; needless to say, if there was ANYONE in that command room who TRULY meant business when it came to being outright PURELY evil, it was most DEFINITELY him.

"I REALLY don't get paid enough for this shit, let me tell you…" I rather self-resentfully sighed on the collective behalf of literally all of my fellow members of the Space Dandy production crew as I (immensely) reluctantly began following Bea's request, already knowing FAR too well how much the animation community (ESPECIALLY the increasingly infamous "anime elitist" part of it) was later going to end up utterly despising me for doing so.

(cue the Space Dandy intro)