I’m Teaching My Gym Students Useful Exercises, Not Preparing Them

for a Heist

Principal Morris, you’ve been watching too many movies. I’m doing what any physical education teacher would do: making sure my students are fit enough to handle any obstacle life throws at them. It’s not my fault that life’s obstacles often include cameras without blind spots and unmarked rooms with alarms linked to sound sensors. It’s somebody’s fault, but not mine.

I suppose it could appear to someone that I’m training a crack team of children willing and able to snatch the rarest of items from under “unbreakable” surveillance. But that someone would’ve been watching too many movies. Things like that just don’t happen in real life or haven’t happened yet, which is basically the same thing. No, all of the exercises I have my students do have practical purposes that will benefit them down the road when we all go our separate ways and never acknowledge each other again.

I know you want me to have them play sports, but games just don’t effectively train the kids’ important muscle groups. If you want to work on their abdominals, you gotta have them crawl through a ventilation shaft as fast and as quietly as possible. Quiet is key, because noise is strength leaving muscle tissue. I have a degree in Kinesiology, so don’t doubt that.

Sure, I could have them playing dodgeball to improve their reflexes, but balls are easy to dodge. The moon’s just a big ball and yet seven billion people dodge it every night without even thinking. You know what isn’t easy to dodge? Highly sophisticated laser grids, and that’s why I need the gym department’s budget increased or I’m going to have to sell another basketball hoop.

Also, I know I only teach boys, but I need a girl. Just one. Preferably a devastatingly beautiful blonde that you can’t help but stare at for eight seconds. Six seconds could work, but it’ll be close. She doesn’t even have to be in the class, she just needs to meet us on our upcoming field trip to the Museum of Diamonds.

That’s another thing, I need you to sign off on a gym field trip to the Museum of Diamonds. I know gym classes don’t normally take field trips, but this is an essential learning experience. I tell all the kids their bodies are currently like coal, but through training and conditioning, their bodies could become diamonds. They need to see diamonds to understand that comparison. In fact, I want them to see the biggest diamond on record to really hammer home that comparison, so the field trip has to be on April 16th when that exhibit is opened. Plus, we need a recon field trip the day before. Recon is probably the most important part about fitness. You learn that day one of Kinesiology. Really, you should learn it the day before that, but it’s hard to know that.

I really don’t know why you’re so upset. If anything, you should be complimenting me for giving each student an individual workout plan/specialty. Kyle only does hand-to-hand combat, Mikey snatches things, Jim works on flexibility, and Andrew is demolitions. The fitness kind of demolitions. I’d tell you about the rest of the class, but I only know their code names, and I don’t want to confuse you.

Now, Principal Morris, if we’re done here, I must be going. I have to pick up the new gym uniforms from the suit warehouse. I can’t believe a regulation basketball hoop only buys ten suits.