Brian Dickerson

Detroit Free Press Columnist

I'd been expecting the call ever since I read that Comcast planned to shed 2.5 million cable subscribers in metro Detroit and other cable markets as a condition of its proposal to buy its largest rival, Time Warner Cable.

So when the phone rang one Saturday morning, I was ready.

"Mr. Dickerson, this is Tina from Comcast Corporation," a polite voice on the other end began. "If it's not inconvenient, I'd like to — "

"Your call is very important to me, Tina," I interjected. "But the Dickerson household is experiencing an unusually high volume of activity this morning. Please remain on the line, and a household representative will be with you shortly."

Twenty minutes later, after dropping my daughter at her violin lesson, I picked up the phone.

"Who's this?" I demanded.

"It's Tina from Comcast, Mr. Dickerson," the caller answered, straining to mask her irritation. "You put me on hold about 20 minutes ago, remember?"

"I'm so sorry, Tina!" I said. "But just to verify your identity, could you give me the ZIP code of Comcast's corporate headquarters?"

"But I'm calling from North Carolina," Tina sputtered. "I don't even know where Comcast's headquarters is."

"Well, how about the maiden name of your CEO's maternal grandmother?" I suggested.

Technical difficulties

"I'm sorry, Mr. Dickerson, but we're going to have to suspend your cable service," Tina said, her sugary voice giving way to the business-like monotone of a police dispatcher.

"We've got to lose some of our Michigan customers to satisfy federal regulations that prohibit any one company from controlling more than 30% of the cable market, or the government won't approve our merger with Time-Warner. I'm calling to make arrangements for our representative to pick up your cable box."

"I'm very sorry to hear you're having trouble with your merger, Tina," I said sympathetically. "But I'm afraid I'm not authorized to suspend our service."

"Actually, we don't need your —," Tina began, then caught herself. "I mean, is there someone there who does have the authority to—"

"Would you like to speak to my wife?" I suggested.

"Please."

"Very well, I'll transfer you," I said, pressing the "end call" button.

It's only business

Thirty seconds later, the phone rang.

"Tina?" I ventured.

"We seem to have been disconnected," she answered icily. Her teeth were audibly gritted. "I was holding for your wife."

"I'm afraid she's not available," I said. "But I've obtained her authorization to continue our conversation. So what seems to be the problem with your merger?"

"There's no problem with our merger!" Tina shouted. "We're coming to get your cable box, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

I waited, giving her a moment to collect herself.

"I'm sorry you're upset, Tina," I said. "We very much want to maintain our relationship with Comcast, and if you need to replace our current cable box with a newer model, I'm sure we can accom—"

"Look," Tina hissed. She was quieter now, but her voice had acquired an unmistakeably menacing quality. "We are suspending service to your neighborhood, you understand? It's not personal. It's not punitive. It's something we are legally required to do.

"If you wish to hold onto equipment that is unambiguously the property of our company, that's fine." she continued. "We'll file a claim in court, and we'll win, and you'll end up paying us a whole lot more than your obsolescent, Reagan-era cable box is worth.

"Or," she concluded, "we can make an appointment to pick it up when it's convenient for you. It's entirely up to you."

"Well, when you put it that way," I said sulkily.

"I knew I could count on you to be reasonable, Mr. Dickerson," Tina said, recovering the sunny tone of voice in which she had first greeted me. "So, it looks like we'll have service people in your neighborhood early next week. Is Monday afternoon acceptable? Or would Tuesday morning be more convenient?"

"I'm so sorry, Tina," I said, "but I'm afraid our next opening for a cable box return is a week from next Saturday."

"A WEEK FROM NEXT—"

"Tina?"

"What now?"

"I'm scared, Tina."

"Scared?" she repeated. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Comcast is the only cable provider we've ever used," I admitted. "Oh, I know we've threatened to switch providers before —"

"Every six months for the last seven years, according to your account record," Tina noted.

"But that was just a negotiating ploy," I protested. "You know, to keep our monthly cable bill from getting too much bigger than our mortgage payment."

"I understand," Tina said wearily. "But why are you scared?"

"Well, like I said, we've never really tried another cable provider," I said. "I guess I'm just afraid that whoever we get next won't provide service as good as Comcast's."

"Oh, Mr. Dickerson!" Tina exclaimed with a dismissive laugh. "Now you're just being silly."

Contact Brian Dickerson at 313-222-6584 or bdickerson@freepress.com.