Recently we had the opportunity to speak with an upper year engineering student about his experience with self image, and how meeting someone new can change your whole perspective.

Q: Could you start by telling us a little about yourself?

I’d rather not say much, there are other people in the story I am going to tell, they also go here and I wouldn’t want people to figure out who they are. I don’t know; maybe I’m defending them, maybe I’m hiding, maybe some part of me thinks that if my name isn’t here that it’s somehow no longer my story. I’m an engineer who is currently on co-op, also I have been here for a while, I think that’s all people need to know to hear my tale. Oh, and I fell in love with someone who deserves so much more than I can give them.

Q: What makes you say that ?

I’d have to start from the very beginning to be able to answer that, I wasn’t always like this. I still remember a time when I was a happy young one, life had so much warmth and love in it, and I had my fill of it each and every day. That’s not the same world I saw after a term in this place, everything froze over, life was nothing my emptiness and bitterness.

Now mind you it wasn’t all engineering’s fault, in fact I would say that this degree is the only thing that kept me going. Sure it has knocked me over so many times, but that just made me want to try harder just to say that I beat it. But there was a series of unfortunate events that occurred, and like water in a metal pipe the events slowly eat away at my soul leaving me like this.

What happened specifically isn’t the point of this story, but as you can maybe guess there was a lot of death, a lot of guilt, no support system and a man who thought that keeping it all inside was the healthiest way of dealing with things. But like I said that’s not the point of this story. I learned to cope with things as best as I could, I built a thick wall around myself and voided myself of emotions. Life was much easier after that, sure I felt nothing but I was safe from being hurt again. But then I met her. That changed things.

Q: Who did you meet? And how did she change things?

It was the most beautiful girl I have ever met, she perfect in every way, she was better than me in every way but I was okay with that, because she was perfect. She made me want to feel things, she made me want to be normal again, she was everything and more. There was only one problem however, I was scared to let her in, the last time I felt things I got hurt badly, I couldn’t risk it happening again.

I had dated people in the past, but it was always one sided, it was always love from their side and nothing from mine. It was never fair to them, no one deserves to be with someone who doesn’t love them, and I was worse. I was worse because it wasn’t that I didn’t love them it was that I couldn’t. It’s easier to fall in love then learn how to love. I couldn’t leave her though, she was the one, and I knew it.

It was hard, it started off with things I hated doing. I started taking care of myself, I started worrying about how others saw me, I forced myself to stop having dark thoughts, I tore down my walls. I needed to be the very best to deserve her. Nothing less than perfection would do. But I was literal garbage how could I ever hope to be good enough for her.

She started to pick up on things, she knew how hard I was trying to change myself, to make myself the very best. She didn’t care for any of it, she loved me, in her eyes I was already perfect, just as perfect as I saw her. In the monumental war I waged against myself I failed to notice that I had already won, she loved me, I had the entire world and I was too blind to notice.

Q: Has the way you see yourself changed or do you still struggle with it ?

I still struggle with it, but I know one day I’ll learn to see myself the way she sees me and I know she’ll learn to accept that she’s just as perfect as she thinks I am. I guess deep down we both think that we’re not good enough for each other, but we don’t let that weigh us down, we constantly push each other to be the very best versions of ourselves we can possibly be.

Q: Doesn’t that get tiring ? Always trying to be better ?

Once in awhile you need a break, today was one of those days for her, she told me she was having a rough day so I picked up her favorite cheesecake after work and went over to see her. Last week I was having a rough time so she took me out for noodles. She’s my happiness and I am hers, no matter what happens in life I know we’ll always have each other. Oh, and cheesecake. What else do you really need in the world? Her unconditional love made me stop hating myself, gave me the ability to not want to throw up every time I looked in a mirror, and not feel the urge to apologize every time someone had to interact with me. I love her and that’s why I can take on anything in the world.

If you have a story to share or are interested in being featured on the blog, reach out to one of the Mental Health Awareness Directors, or email us at engsocmha@gmail.com