There is a tendency to think that all addicts are the same. Addiction and survivors of abuse are first of all people. Stereotyping all alcoholics, all drug users and any other form of addiction as a common personality type does not work.

Would you say that all people with a broken leg are the same?

What has to be thought about at all times is 'Are we treating the disease or are we trying to change what we perceive to be a personality defect.' Which may indeed be a personality defect. Even if it is not a personality defect is it what you want? Some addicts are basically nice people. Others can be very horrible. Others still are nice people but we don't want to be with them.

There are commonalities due to the disease but not everything we do not like is the disease. Mostly it is the person. The not very nice addicts will often play on their addiction to excuse unacceptable behaviour.

More than one person has spent years getting their addict sober or dry only to find that they do not actually like the addict. Those wasted years can never be recovered.

It is not fashionable to say walk away but there is a good case for looking at the addict and asking 'Do I like this person.' If you do not like this person then walk away. Your health and well-being is more important than someone you don't like.

This is a major problem for anyone caught up in the addiction merry-go-round. It is very easy for the focus to be on the addict full time and lose sight of who we are and what we want. Where is it written that you have to care for a person you do not like just because they have a self-inflicted condition?

Even if there is a problem such as childhood abuse it is still up to the addict to do something about it. The usual thing that happens is the addict will use the problem as the excuse for not doing anything to help themselves. Why change when everything they want can be obtained by manipulating those around them?

Addicts, as part of the disease, are Zen Masters at manipulation. Even the nicest of addicts are very manipulative. This is the thing that as a partner of significant other of an addict must be constantly aware off. The addict will try to manipulate you at all times.

If there is to be progress towards the recovery of an addict the manipulation has to stop. That is up to you because it won't be in the addict's interest to stop the manipulation. They thrive on it. If the manipulation stops the addict will sometimes leave to find someone they can manipulate. If they do it can cause grief but it is a sign that your recovery is well under way.

If a basically OK person teams up with an addict the addict does not get better, the OK person gets sick. If you are reading this you will probably already know the sickness is called co-dependency.

Most literature on co-dependency will concentrate on how to survive and restore our sanity in a relationship with an addict. What is often forgotten is whether or not you want to be there is the first place. Often the reason we stay is a misguided sense of duty and fear.

These are the addict's weapons. Misguided duty and fear. Even if the addict is your son or daughter what is your duty to them? Is it you duty to fall into a deep hole of fear and shame for all the things your addict blames you for or says you should have done? So you made mistakes, some real but mostly they are the mistakes your addict invents to manipulate you.

Do you want to continue to sink deeper into this dark place? The way out of the dark place starts by looking at your situation and asking yourself quietly and calmly if this is really where you want to be. It must be quietly and calmly because spur of the moment decisions will not work long term. The first secret is to see the situation as it is and decide if this is what you want. It is difficult to imagine what it would be like with this person without the disease and it might take a long time to see, but that is what is required if the decision is to be right for you.

If you decide to physically leave be certain that it is because you want something better; not just that you are running away.

You may want to physically stay or you might want to leave. Either way this is the beginning. If you physically stay you can still leave that dark place by learning not to be controlled or manipulated. The game of addiction takes at least two to play. Learn how not to play and things have to change.

Addicts are not all the same. There is still the person that you may or may not like. The problem is that it all gets blamed on the disease without any understanding of the person. The disease masks everything else. See the disease as it is and the size it is and it is not everything. There is much more. It is this much more that needs to be looked at.

The control and manipulation must stop. What is needed to stop the addicts control and manipulation, and to stop your control and manipulation? There is no way known you can control or manipulate an addict. It is part of the disease that they will always be one step ahead of you. The only way forward is to end the manipulation, which means stopping your manipulation. If you don't then today is the best day of your life. From here on in it is down hill all the way.