Dirtbag Teddy Roosevelt

TAFT

TAFT

what is it, Mr. President

COME INTO MY OFFICE

I WANT TO BENCH PRESS SOMETHING

why don’t you bench press your presidential desk

I ALREADY BENCH PRESSED IT

sir, I don’t want to be bench pressed

AM I THE PRESIDENT OR AREN’T I

IF I WANT TO BENCH PRESS THE MEN IN MY CABINET

IT’S FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION

AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY

NOW GET IN HERE AND ASSUME THE POSITION

yes, sir

I’LL BENCH PRESS ANY AMERICAN I WANT

yes, sir

TAFT

GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT

THE BOYS IN THE WAR DEPARTMENT ARE LETTING ME USE THEM TO RECREATE THE BATTLE OF SAN JUAN HILL

AND WE NEED YOU TO PLAY SAN JUAN HILL

TAFT

what is it

DO WE OWN THE PHILIPPINES

do we what

DO WE HAVE IT YET

no, sir

I believe the Filipinos have it

WELL I WANT IT

how do you propose to get it

I PROPOSE TO STRIKE ANY MAN WHO TRIES TO STOP ME SOUNDLY IN THE FACE IS HOW

I PROPOSE TO ACQUIRE IT THROUGH THE STRATEGIC USE OF COLD BATHS, STRENUOUS MOUNTAIN HIKES, AND BARE-KNUCKLE BOXING

I PROPOSE TO RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY ALL THE WAY TO MANILA

please don’t ride me like a pony, sir

IF YOU LET ME RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY

I SHALL APPOINT YOU SUPREME COURT JUSTICE

sir, you promised me that last Christmas

after you used me as a footstool during the White House reception

I MEAN IT THIS TIME

NOW OPEN YOUR MOUTH SO I CAN GET THIS BRIDLE FITTED

TAFT

TAFT

WAKE UP YOU WALRUS

what is it

THERE’S A WAR ON AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME

where’s a war

we’re not at war

NOT HERE, YOU BLOATED MUSTACHE-HOLDER

IN RUSSIA

I

yes

there is a war in Russia

WELL I’M GOING THERE TO PUT A STOP TO IT

their war is with the Japanese, Mr. President

it’s not with us

IF I CAN’T HAVE A WAR

YOU CAN BE DAMNED SURE THE RUSSIANS AND THE JAPANESE AREN’T GOING TO HAVE ONE

wait a minute and I’ll send someone from the State Department with you

TOO LATE, TAFT

I’M ALREADY ON MY WAY

GOING TO DO LUNGES ACROSS THE ATLANTIC

SHOULD BE IN MOSCOW BY NOON

I’LL WIRE WHEN I GET THERE

TAFT HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS STANDARD OIL BUSINESS

yes, sir

THEY’RE A MONOPOLY

yes, sir

THAT ISN’T SPORTING AT ALL

no, sir

BRING ME STANDARD OIL

I’M GOING TO PUNCH IT MANFULLY IN THE FACE

sir, Standard Oil is a trust, not a person

you can’t punch a trust in the face

OH CAN’T I

TAFT, WATCH ME BECOME THE FIRST MAN TO PUNCH A TRUST IN THE FACE

THEN WRITE IT DOWN

IN YOUR OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE NOTES

“TODAY THE PRESIDENT PUNCHED A TRUST IN THE FACE”

all right

“QUITE SOUNDLY TOO”

I will

“WITH AN EXCELLENT RIGHT UPPER CROSS”

yes, sir

“CAN’T PUNCH A TRUST IN THE FACE”

FORSOOTH

I’M THE PRESIDENT

I CAN PUNCH ANYTHING

TAFT WHAT’S GOING ON

WHY ARE THESE BOYS TAKING MY THINGS OUT OF THE OFFICE

you’re not the President anymore, sir

WHY ON EARTH NOT

you’ve already served two terms

we had another election

WELL WHO IS THE PRESIDENT NOW

I am, sir

WHAT

YOU SWOLLEN CARAPACE

YOU’VE NEVER EVEN RIDDEN A BEAR

NOR STRUCK A MOUNTAIN

NOR EATEN A LIVE HORSE WHILE RIDING ON THE BACK OF A DIFFERENT HORSE

HOW CAN YOU BE PRESIDENT, YOU HUNK OF UNDERCOOKED LIVER

I am the President now

and I’m afraid you’re in my office

and I’ll have to ask you to leave

WELL I

I’M GOING TO GO TO AFRICA AND KILL EVERYTHING I SEE THERE