Feature The search is over: Fermilab chooses new director For months, the search committee tasked with finding a new Fermilab director has been looking for someone dedicated to exploring the mysteries of space and time. In the end, they said, the choice was obvious. On July 1, the Time Lord known as the Doctor will join Fermilab as its new director, replacing outgoing director Pier Oddone. The Doctor is the first non-human to head up Fermilab, and at more than 1,200 years of age, he is the oldest director in the lab's history. It was his extensive experience, as well as his vague yet somehow still impressive educational background, that tipped the scales in the Doctor's favor, members of the committee said. This despite the fact that none of the members could determine with any certainty exactly what the new lab director's doctorate is in. "After facing down Daleks, Cybermen and the Master, I can't think of anyone more qualified to take on a congressional budget committee," Oddone said. "I think the Doctor is a perfect choice." The lab's new director made an impression early at his first meeting with the Director Search Committee, materializing out of thin air in a blue wooden box. He then announced that muons do, in fact, turn into electrons without decaying into neutrinos, that muon spin is in fact outside the parameters of the Standard Model and that all of the antimatter generated in the first seconds of the universe was rerouted into another dimension by the Sontarans, as part of a dastardly plot to enslave mankind. "A plot that I foiled, I might add," the Doctor said, straightening his bow tie. "So, what are we building next?" Though the Doctor's boundless enthusiasm and implied credentials won over the search committee, not everyone at Fermilab has been swayed by the eccentric new director. "What? Doctor who?" said Deputy Director Young-Kee Kim. "I've never heard of him." Feature Fermilab to add water park Employes and visitors will soon have a new opportunity for recreation on site. Part of the Fermilab grounds and facilities will be converted to a giant water park to be operational by late 2014. "This has been rumored for some time, but we can now confirm that groundbreaking for the exciting new facility will take place later this year," said Chief Operating Officer Jack Anderson. Plans include converting some old accelerator tunnels, including the Tevatron, into high-speed water rides. Riders will blast through the tunnels and will get to experience the thrill of high g-forces, all while sitting in an inner tube. Wilson Hall will be enhanced with multiple-story spiral water slides, some emptying into the lakes outside of the building. "We're really excited for these new developments," said Building Manager John Kent. "I've been saying for years that another water feature would really add to this place." Officials were delighted to say that research opportunities at the lab will expand. Users from the biological and even the social science fields will now come to Fermilab to study the effects of high-speed acceleration on living organisms, mainly human park attendees. "I fully support these innovative, transformative changes," said Assistant Director for Particle Physics Greg Bock. "The particles have had their chance. Now it's our turn to experience acceleration." In the News Science Channel refuses to dumb down science any further From The Onion, April 1, 2013 SILVER SPRING, MD—Frustrated by continued demands from viewers for more awesome and extreme programming, Science Channel president Clark Bunting told reporters Tuesday that his cable network was "completely incapable" of watering down science any further than it already had. "Look, we've tried, we really have, but it's simply not possible to set the bar any lower," said a visibly exhausted Bunting, adding that he "could not in good conscience" make science any more mindless or insultingly juvenile. "We already have a show called Really Big Things, which is just ridiculous if you think about it, and one called Heavy Metal Taskforce, which I guess deals with science on some distant level, though I don't know what it is. Plus, there's Punkin Chunkin." Read more In the News National Science Foundation: Science Hard From The Onion, April 2, 2013 INDIANAPOLIS—The National Science Foundation's annual symposium concluded Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus that science is hard. "For centuries, we have embraced the pursuit of scientific knowledge as one of the noblest and worthiest of human endeavors, one leading to the enrichment of mankind both today and for future generations," said keynote speaker and NSF chairman Louis Farian. "However, a breakthrough discovery is challenging our long-held perceptions about our discipline—the discovery that science is really, really hard." Read more