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Growing up, I was definitely not one of the cool kids. Physically, I didn’t really grow into my features until I was well into high school (contact lenses were a major help there).

Academically, I did very well and wasn’t the slightest bit interested in athletics or social status (I’m still not). The combination of these factors made me an outsider.

Eventually I grew into an attractive woman, but honestly didn’t date a whole lot when I was single. Going into college I honestly believed that being exposed to new people from different environments would result in an entirely different experience for me socially. I completely expected to meet guys who wanted to date me and eventually have a large group of intelligent friends that I would immediately fit into.

Things didn’t change a whole lot post-college. While I did go out to bars and regularly partook in the usual activities that most people in their early twenties openly partake in, I still had a hard time on the dating scene.

I have a cousin who’s never had these issues. She’s more of the stereotypical bubbly, feminine, outgoing woman that men as a group generally tend to be strongly attracted to, not to mention that she has the keenest aesthetic sense of anyone I’ve ever known. Also, I believe there’s a strong likelihood that her personality type is ESFP (the personality type of the person most likely to be the life of the party). Without knowing exactly what her dating life is like, she’s never had any problem being asked out on dates or single for any considerable length of time (as far as I know).

In the past I’ve looked at her as well as other people who seem to always have something going on socially and quite honestly never really understood it.

At some point in my early 20s, I got fed up with the lack of attention and starting behaving in ways that were very uncharacteristic of my true nature. This is when I (unconsciously) decided to start living out the darker side of my personality.

The Dark Side of the INTJ Personality

Every personality type has a dark side, which may come up as a reaction to some negative event, disappointment, or frustration. Our dualistic nature means that when we’re not at peace on some level, we tend to act (or react) by exhibiting behaviors that are the exact opposite of our true nature.

This “living on the dark side” isn’t necessarily brief. At some point or another, someone may choose to live out their dark side for a long time.

A person’s dark side can be triggered for any multitude of reasons — some of which can include backlash against a parent they don’t agree with, a breakup which leaves her completely blindsided, or feeling as though she doesn’t have any control or complete dissatisfaction with certain aspects of her life.

A person who’s “dark side” exudes attention seeking characteristics like spontaneity, “living a little”, a lowering of exceptionally high standards, drinking, and a willingness to take risks may even receive encouragement from her social circle. This may lead her to think that now that she’s out of her shell, this is who she really is, while her previous outward shell was a repression of her true self.

Really though, this woman is likely to feel hollow and confused at times.

Nevertheless here are some of the shadow traits that INTJ’s are likely to experience and live out at some point in their lives:

Engaging in negative gossip

The normal, healthy INTJ isn’t generally interested in engaging in idle conversation about other people, particularly when the direction of the conversation turns negative and is specifically about another person. Deep down, an INTJ will know that shit-talking is not the right thing to do and will feel horrible about it later, but in the moment and in a futile attempt to fit in (this is especially true with less mature INTJs), she’ll go along with it.

2. Sexually promiscuous behavior

INTJs in general are not the most socially adept individuals (compared to other personality types) and tend to be highly analytical about everything, including interactions with other people.

Many INTJs and highly analytical people in general tend to be less experienced in love and dating than other personality types and may tend to want to play “catch-up” at some point.

An INTJ woman, in an attempt to learn about how to date in the real world, may try to put the pieces together for herself by watching shows like “Sex and the City” (those women seem never to have any issues meeting men) or read books on the subject.

In some extremes, while trying to recreate the mental image of what she thinks she has to do in order to get noticed, may put her own better judgements and morals aside for some time and engage in more sexually loose behavior than her true self is comfortable with.

This one trait in particular may at times feel exhilarating to live out, but she’ll likely later experience feelings of self-judgement and resentment, especially when reflecting on these experiences years later.

3. Alcohol Abuse

This is a big one that usually is experienced in college and the years thereafter, but in an attempt to “loosen up” and “live a little”, not to mention alleviating the social anxiety that many INTJs feel, she may drink too much at times, particularly when she’s around new people that she might not feel comfortable with yet.

She may also at times abuse alcohol in an attempt to shut off the endless chatter that goes on in her head. This shadow trait in particular is a dangerous one because it could very well lead to deeper problems with addiction later on (if you’re reading this and think you may have a problem with alcohol, there is help).

4. Impulsive behavior

INTJs tend to like to have things planned out for the most part. Our analytical and strategic thinking means that we generally don’t like surprises, especially when they interfere with our carefully laid plans (which we’ve spent a good amount of time thinking through).

When living out the dark side of her personality, however, an INTJ woman may get caught up in the moment at times living for excitement, pleasure, and sensory delight. She may get involved with a group of people who are constantly going out, partying every night and in an attempt to avoid F.O.M.O., may join them.

Now this may be energizing and exciting for awhile, but a long period of this will likely leave her feeling disoriented.