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The gender wars took a bloody turn at a Glasgow movie theater over the weekend, when a man was allegedly attacked and beaten by three women during a screening of Fifty Shades of Grey.

The victim reportedly asked the women to be quiet (so that he wouldn’t miss any elegant banter such as, "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves")--not knowing that they were, in fact, not women but Brooks Brothers-crazed Maenads primed to rend the flesh of any area male.

Here’s Metro, quoting a witness named Michael Bolton (who we cannot definitely prove is not the Michael Bolton, so let’s just assume that it is):

’A woman came out the theatre and said that a guy had been glassed. ’One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears.

’She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed.

’It’s a cinema where you can buy drink.

’Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema. This type of behaviour happens at pubs and nightclubs - but you don’t expect that at a cinema.’

Another witness added: ’There were also several incredibly drunk women vomiting in the aisle and corridor and several complaints from the other screen about drunk and rowdy folk.’

The victim, reportedly, was not seriously injured. The women were arrested. The movie was terrible.