michael barbaro

From The New York Times, I’m Michael Barbaro. This is “The Daily.” Today: It’s been one year since the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland. “Daily” producer Clare Toeniskoetter went to Florida this week to check in on some of the students we met last year. It’s Thursday, February 14.

clare toeniskoetter

Last year, a few weeks after the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, my colleague Jack Healy went down to Parkland and interviewed a group of freshman girls who were in the first classroom that the shooter went into, classroom 1216.

student

I’ve thought about this, about being in a school shooting. And the one thing that I’ve always said that I would do is text my mom, “I love you,” and, like, “Thank you for everything.” And I was so mad at everything that I wasn’t going to be able to get to do that, and I was going to die and not let my mom know that I loved her.

clare toeniskoetter

And in that classroom, these girls saw eight of their classmates get shot.

student

And then I just hear a few shots happen over here. And then I see Alyssa, and she’s just standing like this. And then she, like, falls back.

clare toeniskoetter

And three of them were killed. So Jack interviewed the girls, but I was the producer working on “The Daily” episode. And over the past year, I just haven’t stopped thinking about them. I’ve thought about them each time there’s been another mass shooting. I’ve thought about them on election night. And I thought about them just pretty much every time I’ve seen a group of teenagers. So as we approach the one-year anniversary of the shooting, I wanted to check back in with them.

flight attendant

Please take a moment to locate the zone on your boarding pass.

clare toeniskoetter

So I flew down to Florida, got the group back together at one of their houses. They grabbed a few snacks. And they all settled in on a couch.

clare toeniskoetter (to the students)

Tell me who you each are.

jade

I’m Jade.

clare toeniskoetter

Jade. And Jade, how old are you?

jade

Uh, 15.

maddie

I’m Maddie and I’m 15.

clare toeniskoetter

Maddie.

brooke

I’m Brooke and I’m 15.

clare toeniskoetter

Brooke.

eden

Eden and I’m 15.

clare toeniskoetter

And Eden.

clare toeniskoetter (to the students)

And you’re about to turn 16?

eden

Yep.

clare toeniskoetter

And they immediately just started talking about the last time they were all here together in the same room.

eden

I feel like it’s like after you see somebody in a movie, and it’s during something, and then you know when they have the 10 years later, and they cut their hair, and they — I feel like that now.

jade

I mean, I did change my hair. [LAUGHTER]

eden

I feel like a different person than who I was when I was last sitting here.

clare toeniskoetter

What do you think you felt like then? What do you feel like now?

eden

I feel like now, I don’t know, in a way I feel burnt out a little, just like — I feel like I’ve been through hell. Like hell.

maddie

This year has been exhausting.

eden

And at that moment, I feel like I was so innocent.

clare toeniskoetter

What were those first weeks back like? So it was about halfway through the school year. And what was a typical day like? Did it feel like normal school at all?

brooke

No. Being together was the only good part about that.

eden

It was weird. Because the setting was different. And then it was just that feeling in the room.

jade

That emptiness.

eden

It’s like, oh my God, the kid who sat there died.

clare toeniskoetter

Was there ever a day when it felt normal, ever, like in your whole last school year?

brooke

It kind of never feels normal. We have a new normal, I feel like. My normal is seeing the 1200 building every day and having flashbacks and then moving on.

jade

Or like, oh, that happened.

brooke

Exactly.

eden

After three months, I would say, is when it wasn’t all we thought about all the time. Like that wasn’t the feeling I had.

jade

Like, summer was a good —

maddie

Summer was a good time.

clare toeniskoetter

Yeah?

maddie

Yeah, I’m not going to lie.

jade

Summer was like, I was at my happiest.

maddie

We were finally away from the building every day.

clare toeniskoetter

I wasn’t sure if summer would feel good or bad, being — because then you don’t have that built-in support group. But were you — did you stay with other Douglas students enough during your summers?

brooke

All of our friends and stuff like that completely understand. At least for me, I talk about it with them all the time. And I for sure feel like I can trust them more than I can a therapist. Because they understand me and they know me. So it’s a lot more personal.

clare toeniskoetter

So your friends who were also in school.

jade

Yeah, exactly.

eden

I don’t talk about it with anyone. Like, no one. I just can’t.

clare toeniskoetter

Not even friends?

eden

Not even my closest friend. It’s really hard for me to talk about it, because my closest friends, most of them weren’t in the building. And it’s just like, what is it going to help me to talk about it? They’re going to feel bad for me, and then what?

clare toeniskoetter

How’s it feel right now?

brooke

I think it’s different when there’s someone in the building. Because all of my friends that weren’t, they feel like they can’t even talk to me about their day, because they don’t want to make me feel bad that they’re talking about it — which, like, that sucks, because I want my friends to be able to talk to me about it. Like, I have no problem with people who weren’t in the building talking. Just don’t act like where I was and where you were is the same thing. That’s my only thing.

eden

Don’t even try to compare it. It’s just like, it’s different.

maddie

It’s different. It’s very, very different.

brooke

It’s completely different.

clare toeniskoetter

Shifting into the new school year, how did it feel coming back?

maddie

I hated it.

eden

It was awful.

clare toeniskoetter

Yeah?

jade

It was just like, oh, like, oh.

brooke

We’re back here?

clare toeniskoetter

So one of the things, from my understanding about going back to school last year, is everyone who was at the school was there on the day of the shooting. But then when you came back to school this year, for this new school year, there’s now a new class. There are freshmen who weren’t there. What is that like?

maddie

Not good.

clare toeniskoetter

Why?

brooke

The thing is, some of them are actually very nice and very understanding and accept the fact that they don’t know anything about it and they’re not going to ask, because they know it’s disrespectful. And then the other half are just —

maddie

Wish that they were there.

brooke

Just wish they were there and are trying so hard to get attention from it, in any way possible.

maddie

They post pictures of the building. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Like, you’ve never even —

eden

Have photoshoots.

brooke

And they think it’s funny.

maddie

You’ve never even been in the building. How are you going to post a picture of it?

jade

Unless their sibling was at open house, I don’t know.

brooke

But they think it’s funny. And they’re dropping textbooks, popping things.

maddie

Oh, my god.

brooke

Like, someone that has serious PTSD could be right next to you.

clare toeniskoetter

Wait, so they are walking through the halls and making loud noises, dropping textbooks. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

brooke

They do it in their classes all the time, for fun.

jade

I was taking a math test — it’s a thing.

clare toeniskoetter

That’s so cruel.

maddie

One of them, after the pep rally, I was walking back to class to portables, and we were right in front of the freshman building. And one of them popped a water bottle right in back of me. Right in front of the freshman building.

clare toeniskoetter

So it’s more than just one nasty kid. It’s a lot of them.

maddie

They just don’t have — they’re not considerate. They don’t know what they’re doing.

brooke

They don’t give empathy to the situation.

maddie

They don’t think about it.

brooke

Exactly. And it might be because they don’t really understand. But if you don’t understand, then just don’t do anything. Don’t try to be funny, because it’s not funny.

clare toeniskoetter

Yeah. It’s so — hearing you as sophomores talk about the freshmen, like, there’s this dynamic in any high school experience of feeling like, now I’m older and I hate those freshmen. But of course, it’s completely different for you.

brooke

— this whole separation, this whole divide.

eden

There’s a line.

maddie

I have no issue with them on any other problem, except for the shooting.

brooke

Anything else, I don’t even really care.

clare toeniskoetter

Yeah. What do you think is the ideal? What, if you were a freshman this year, what do you think would be the best way?

eden

Just don’t talk about it.

student

Just be respectful.

brooke

Don’t act like you know anything about it. Because you don’t. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

eden

Don’t bring it up. Ever.

maddie

Don’t talk about it like you know what we went through.

brooke

They don’t know anything.

maddie

Because I know that you were scared and you didn’t know what was going on.

clare toeniskoetter

Because a lot of them were next door in the middle school and got evacuated. But they weren’t —

eden

It was different.

jade

It was really scary for them. But for us, it’s terrifying.

brooke

It’s just different.

clare toeniskoetter

Yeah.

brooke

I heard it right in my ear, in the hallways. So don’t act like it’s the same.

clare toeniskoetter

Does all of this, does it make you feel older?

eden

I feel like I’m, like, a 90-year-old woman.

brooke

I feel like we didn’t really — we kind of fast-tracked. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

maddie

Yeah, telling stories about her life.

jade

And I feel really bad for —

brooke

I feel bad celebrating my birthday sometimes.

eden

I feel bad getting my license. I feel bad —

brooke

When they can’t —

clare toeniskoetter

Milestones. Every milestone feels —

eden

It’s really hard.

brooke

I just feel so guilty.

jade

Just getting up every day. Sometimes.

brooke

Like, they’re supposed to be here. Like, that whole thing wasn’t supposed to happen.

maddie

You gotta talk about it.

brooke

I kinda feel like our childhood got ruined.

jade

It did, yeah.

brooke

I feel like it’s not there anymore.

maddie

Like, our high school, everybody says high school is the best time of your life, along with college. But we don’t get that.

eden

But it’s not because it’s consuming our lives.

maddie

Yeah. It’s never going to be like that anymore. It’s never going to be like, oh, it’s high school.

brooke

Like, no cares in the world.

eden

When your parents are like, oh, when I was in high school, this. It’s like, when I was in high school, all I can think about would be the shooting.

jade

Yeah.

eden

It’s hard to differentiate what’s from the shooting and what’s from regular teenage anxiety. Because everybody has anxiety. Everybody. So for me, it’s like, I’ll get those times where I’ll feel like there’s literally — I’m just like, I can’t, I can’t. And I don’t know if it’s from the shooting, and I don’t know what it’s from.

brooke

It’s a combination of things, not just [INAUDIBLE] the shooting.

eden

That sets the basis for it.

maddie

Sometimes the stress of the shooting has a big impact on regular teenage stresses. So it’ll make your normal teenage stresses more stressful.

eden

Even more dramatic.

clare toeniskoetter

Because you guys are all 15, about to turn 16. So what’s going on in your lives outside of this? You’re about to get driver’s licenses.

jade

Yeah, exactly.

maddie

School.

clare toeniskoetter

Dating.

maddie

I mean, right now in life we’re worried about next year. Next year’s going to be our junior year, which is, like, the most important year.

clare toeniskoetter

College.

jade

Definitely, I’m thinking about that the most.

maddie

Starting to think about colleges, which is scary, but —

eden

So scary.

maddie

So scary.

brooke

And I’m really scared to apply to colleges, because I don’t want to be accepted just because I’m a Douglas kid. Like, I don’t want that to be the reason why —

eden

I don’t want that to be my —

brooke

I get above someone else.

eden

— the definition of who I am.

brooke

Exactly. I don’t want to look good to your college just because I was in the shooting.

eden

I just feel like time’s going by so fast.

jade

It really is. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year.

eden

It’s crazy.

jade

And that’s what I’m scared of.

brooke

I feel like it was, like, yesterday.

eden

That, to me, is crazy.

jade

Like, I relive it every day, for me at least.

maddie

I think because we’ve just been living in it this whole year, it just hasn’t gone away. It’s not something that —

jade

Like, it surrounds. When I look back on the person I was exactly a year ago from today, she would have not acted like this at all. She would have been a completely different person.

clare toeniskoetter

You think you were fundamentally changed?

jade

Yeah, definitely.

brooke

Yeah. I think everyone is. I don’t think anyone can mentally be the same after what we went through.

eden

It’s a part of you.

brooke

Exactly.

jade

Sometimes I’ll think about when I’m 20, I’ll think about, like, oh, that happened — what would that be? Seven years ago. Like, that’s scary.

maddie

Yeah. I think about when —

jade

It’s been that long.

maddie

— we have kids, how are we going to send our kids to school?

brooke

It’s so hard for me to want to have kids in a place like this.

maddie

How are we going to have kids and send them to school like that?

brooke

I’ve wanted kids my whole life. But I don’t know if I want them anymore.

eden

If my kid will have to go through what I went through, I’d just feel so bad.

brooke

It makes me not want to have kids. And I’ve wanted kids my whole life.

maddie

Obviously, in the very, very, very far future.

brooke

No, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

maddie

We’re talking about kids in the way future.

eden

Actually, six more months. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC]

maddie

I always say this. I always say this. Everybody who goes through mass shootings don’t go to the site of the mass shooting every single day and see the building where it happened every single day. We do.

brooke

A part of me kind of wants to go in.

maddie

I want to go in so bad.

eden

I want to go in so bad. I still do.

maddie

I think we all agreed in 1216 —

brooke

It would give us nice closure.

maddie

— that we want to go in. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

eden

Last year, we were saying we all — I still want to go in.

jade

At the same time, I don’t want to see that.

brooke

Like, I want to —

maddie

I just want to see how they left it.

jade

Yeah, that’s what I want to see. I want to grab my English binder. [LAUGHTER]

eden

There’s just something so curious about how we went there every single day. I was in that building every single day.

brooke

I had, like, four classes in there.

jade

I had two.

eden

It’s so weird to me.

clare toeniskoetter

What do you think you would do if you could go in?

jade

Oh, I’d go in, just walk.

maddie

I would just walk. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

clare toeniskoetter

Together?

jade

The first thing I’d do is go in our classroom.

maddie

I’ve had dreams about —

eden

Me, too.

jade

I don’t want to see the blood stains.

brooke

I have it kind of engraved of a thought with just, like, Valentine’s stuff everywhere.

maddie

Or backpacks. Well, I guess we’re going to see it. We’re going to see it when the trial happens.

clare toeniskoetter

You’ll be able to go in?

maddie

No, we’re not going to be able to go in. But we’ll see pictures.

clare toeniskoetter

You’ll see photos.

brooke

I still want to see it for myself.

maddie

I know. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

brooke

Has anyone had time travel dreams or anything like that?

maddie

We sound like literal psychopaths right now. We sound like psychopaths.

jade

We sound insane.

clare toeniskoetter

Time travel dream?

brooke

Because I — it’s a recurring nightmare dream I have. I don’t really have anything about going forward. But I always have this dream where I’m able to go back to that date, and I try to warn people. And I try to warn Alaina, because she was my closest friend in that class. And she won’t listen to me. No one will listen to me.

eden

I had that, too. And I remember I had a dream, and I showed Alyssa my tattoo, because I have a tattoo.

clare toeniskoetter

What’s your tattoo of?

eden

It has the room number on it.

clare toeniskoetter

Do you all have them?

brooke

No.

eden

And I remember I was, in my dream, I was showing her. I was showing her in my dream. And she was, like —

maddie

Three hearts for them?

eden

Not believing me. And I was like, look, I’m telling you, there was a shooting. Don’t go to class. And she went anyways.

jade

I would have just, like, kidnapped her at the front, like, you’re coming with me.

eden

I didn’t know you got a tattoo.

clare toeniskoetter

Can you tell me what they both are?

maddie

Yeah. So mine is, the top is the date in Roman numerals, 2-14-18. The second layer is the three hearts for Alex, Alyssa and Alaina. And the third layer is 1216, which is our classroom number.

clare toeniskoetter

And what’s yours?

eden

And then mine is, like, a flower, which is kind of, if you see, there’s leaves on it. And that represents the growth from what happened. And then there’s the room number, 1216, and then there’s three little flower petals things, for Alaina, Alex and Alyssa.

maddie

Makes me feel close to them. I love that.

eden

I like it. But some days, I’m like, I wish I didn’t have to get this tattoo. Like, I hate how it’s part of, it’s permanent. And so is the shooting. It’s permanent on you. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

brooke

The thing is, I’m always going to think of it, and I want that there.

maddie

Yeah, I think the significance of getting something permanent on you is that just like the tattoo, the shooting is going to be with you for the rest of your life.

brooke

For the rest of your life. [MUSIC]

eden

For, like, three months after the shooting, I would always be searching up videos of the shooting and watching them over and over.

brooke

Same, same, same.

clare toeniskoetter

Why? [INTERPOSING VOICES]

eden

Because I needed, I needed that closure. I needed to actually see that was real.

brooke

I think that’s why a lot of us want to go in the room. We just want closure. Because I have no closure on anything.

eden

All we have is our memory. And that’s not as reliable, to me, as a picture. [INTERPOSING VOICES]

brooke

And that’s going to fade.

clare toeniskoetter

Do you think you’ll ever have closure?

eden

No.

brooke

Probably not.

eden

Maybe.

clare toeniskoetter

How could you have?

maddie

Hopefully.

eden

The building. The videos.

brooke

Like, I want to have closure. But I don’t know if it’s attainable.

eden

I think after the actual videos of it happening, I would love to see that.

jade

I started —

clare toeniskoetter

And that exists, in some —

eden

I think it will.

brooke

They exist.

eden

They have videos.

jade

I’ve seen a picture.

maddie

The hallway.

jade

But that’s it.

maddie

Well, I watch everything that comes out. Everything that comes out, I watch. Every article that comes out about it, I watch. Because I like to know everything that happened. Even though I know, I just don’t — I’d just like to —

eden

They don’t have the proof of it.

maddie

Because then I don’t look like an idiot telling my story, like, oh, yeah.

clare toeniskoetter

It’s validating.

maddie

Yeah. [MUSIC]

clare toeniskoetter

What are you planning on doing this Thursday?

maddie

Cemeteries. More cemeteries. Vigils. I’m going to two cemeteries.

jade

Are you going to Alyssa’s?

maddie

I’m going to — is Alex buried there?

eden

Yeah, they’re right next to — they’re right, literally so close to each other. I went to Alyssa’s, and I saw Max there. And I went to go see, and it was literally right next to it.

maddie

Is his headstone up?

eden

Yeah.

brooke

I want to visit Alaina’s, but —

maddie

I haven’t seen since his.

jade

Wait, where’s Alaina’s?

brooke

I don’t know where Alaina’s is.

maddie

I’m going to Martin’s and I’m going to Luke’s, which are both in the same — [SIGH]

clare toeniskoetter

And you don’t have school on Thursday. Friday is optional?

maddie

Optional.

jade

I mean, both of them is optional.

maddie

Yeah.

brooke

They’re both going to be there, but like —

clare toeniskoetter

You’re able to go and do service projects. Is that right? Are any of you going to go into school on Thursday?

maddie

No. I can’t. I couldn’t even stay for the rest of today.

eden

Yeah, today was hard.

maddie

I had to leave after third.

eden

I left early and came late.

jade

Are you going tomorrow?

maddie

No. I can’t. I physically, like, starting on Monday, I walked into school and I couldn’t.

jade

I feel like if I don’t, like, I don’t want to be at home thinking about it.

eden

Yeah. I don’t want to be home by myself.

jade

Oh, yeah, I know.

eden

I don’t like that.

maddie

I’d rather be home than there.

brooke

The thing is, I’ve already — I have so much makeup work.

jade

I feel like I have to go to school. It’s so bad.

brooke

I have so much makeup work because I’ve gone early for so many days, because of everything just being too much. And I feel like I can’t miss any more school because the amount of things I have to make up is insane.

maddie

Tomorrow is not going to be an academic day at all.

brooke

It is.

jade

Yeah. I’m learning a lesson in math.

brooke

I have things planned in bio.

jade

And I have homework over the weekend. And a test next week in there.

brooke

Same. [MUSIC]

clare toeniskoetter

What do you think that people get wrong about you? What do you think people should understand about you who were in the classroom?

maddie

Something that I’ve always wished that the media knew is that — what we went through, other than the politics. Not everything’s about March for Our Lives. And whereas March for Our Lives is great, and the fact that they can make a change is amazing. But we have stories that are worth being told. And I think that —

eden

And are worth hearing.

maddie

And I think that the media is just so quick to politicize everything, because that’s what makes everything a story. But not everything’s political, and we’re actually going through something that’s real. And really bad.

eden

And it’s happening.

maddie

Yeah, and it happened to us.

brooke

And it happened when we were, like, 14 or 15.

eden

That’s what’s so amazing about what the March for Our Lives kids did. But now over time, it’s obviously getting less of a national discussion, less important in our conversations right now.

jade

Less vital.

eden

Which is upsetting.

brooke

I feel like another thing, too, is — especially with a bunch of news stations and stuff like that — because I feel like a lot of people forget. And I wish people knew that just because the cameras went away and people aren’t writing about it as much does not mean that the issue went away. Like, people are still depressed. People are still having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. And there are still people that can’t go throughout the day without breaking down because of this. And they didn’t just like, poof, when the camera stopped reporting them or their interview ended — nothing stopped.

clare toeniskoetter

What do you hope comes out of someone knowing that, of fully understanding your story of being in the room?

maddie

For me, it’s more about memorializing them and remembering them. Because that’s what matters. To me, that’s what matters, is to keep —

eden

To make sure their names aren’t forgotten.

jade

To keep them alive.

maddie

Because they didn’t deserve to die. And they’re not here to share their stories.

brooke

But we can do that for them. And I think that’s the only reason that —

jade

In a non-political way.

brooke

— exactly — is that we just want their name to be there forever. They didn’t go away. They’re going to be there with us in our memories as long as we live. And we, as the people who survived it, can bring their memory to life to other people and to show them how amazing they were. They didn’t meet them. But we hope that by telling you how smart Alaina was, by telling you how kind Alex was, by telling you how funny Alyssa was, that you can understand.

clare toeniskoetter

I think you guys have done a wonderful job honoring them.

students

Thank you. Thank you all for talking to me. [MUSIC]

maddie

I want to take a picture of all of us. Like, a mirror selfie.

eden

Ooh, right now?

clare toeniskoetter

I can take one of you guys, if you want.

maddie

No, it’s O.K. It’s better like a mirror.

eden

For Snapchat.

jade

Or Instagram.

brooke