DAVID Cameron is genuinely shocked at the speed at which he has become a lame duck continually undermined by Tory Eurosceptics.

The prime minister admitted his tiny Commons majority ‘had John Major’s stink all over it’, but insisted the swivel-eyed Eurosceptic revolt which will eventually destroy his premiership was supposed to happen later this year.

He said: “Fucking hell, that was quick. Can you not just let me have a few months to look like I’m even vaguely decisive and in charge?

“I would have been happy to start the u-turns and the pandering to your raging xenophobia in late October. This seems unfair.”

The prime minister revealed he has brought forward plans to hold a dramatic press conference where he invites ‘someone weird, like John Redwood’ to challenge him.

He will then emerge triumphant and completely fucked and after a few years people will remember his face but not his name.