

Please sell me your car for cheap because it is not a very good one. I quite liked my vehicle and was not overly happy about selling it. To ensure a quick sale, I advertised it for $5200 - around half its market value.



Recently, I saw a used Bose Acoustimass subwoofer and speaker system, which retails for well over a grand, advertised for $200 ono. I contacted the guy and wrote "excellent price, I will take it." I actually paid $250 because he threw in speaker stands and I had budgeted twice that amount for a system half as good. I did not offer him $75 for it or haggle because selling an item, at a low price, for whatever reason you have, is trying enough without squirrels, like Brian, offering peanuts for it.









Squirrel Facts:

While squirrels have a varied diet, which includes nuts and corn, their favourite meal is the cheese quesadilla from Applebee's for $6.69. Due to the fact that squirrels do not require oxygen and can withstand extreme pressures, they can often be found searching the ocean floor for their second favourite food, krill. These deep sea abilities make the squirrel a perfect companion for skin divers as part of the buddy system. Squirrels can also be taught to weld. Squirrels are extremely territorial and protect their nests by attending neighbourhood watch meetings. Squirrels prefer contemporary furniture over traditional. A pile of empty flatpack IKEA boxes at the base of a tree is a sure sign that a squirrel nest is present. There are approximately eighteen thousand varieties of squirrels but most fall into one of three categories: the red squirrel, the grey squirrel and the black bear. As the chart below shows, there is a squirrel in the United States, one in what looks like Japan and a really big one in Africa.



From: Brian Lawrence

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11.04am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Car



Hi I saw your ad for the car I checked redbook and its not worth much because its pretty old and they hve lots of problems with the waterpumb and stuff. can come and have a test drive now if your home. will you take $1800 cash for it? From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11.46am

To: Brian Lawrence

Subject: Re: Car



Dear Brian,

Thank you for your enticing offer. I was moments away from swapping the vehicle for three magic beans so your timing is impeccable. When I was about ten, I swapped my Standish Selecta 12 racing bike for a broken microwave oven. Planning to construct a mind control ray, I connected the innards of the dismantled microwave unit to a tape recorder (which repeated the words "Let David paint his bedroom walls black") and plugged it into the mains. Unfortunately, the only results were being thrown across the room, receiving third degree burns to my hands and arms and forgetting how to do long division. Disheartened that there have been only eighteen enquiries for the vehicle, despite it being advertised over an hour ago, I am not only prepared to deliberate your offer, but willing to throw in a pair of pants (beige, size 32L) and 4kg bag of squirrel food to sweeten the deal.

Regards, David. From: Brian Lawrence

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 3.17pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Car



ok. does the car take petrol or diesel? I can come now if your home. whats the address? what the fuck would I want squirel food or pants for? From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 4.08pm

To: Brian Lawrence

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Car



Dear Brian,

They are quite nice pants. Squirrel food enables you to entice squirrels into your garden. I often sit on my back deck watching them run back and forth excitedly like Ricky Lee at an 'all you can eat' buffet. I wish I was a squirrel. Sometimes I talk to them and promise that if they speak to me I will not tell anyone else that they can do so. They haven't yet. I doubt I would be able to keep their secret anyway so it is probably for the best. I have named one Brian. Being an ugly squirrel, he was ridiculed by the others until I tied a shiny ribbon around his neck. Now, as he passes, the squirrels point and declare "Look at that squirrel, he must be rich or a secret agent."

In regards to fuel type, the vehicle runs on a special blend of 9000 octane rocket fuel and plutonium. The tachometer reads 179,300 but has clocked several times due to the vehicle being capable of covering distances in excess of twenty thousand kilometres per second. The advantage of this is that due to relativity, I always arrive several minutes before I leave. Often, if I am very late for work, I simply drive around the block a few times and arrive before anyone else. Once, when I misjudged the accelerator pedal for the brake while entering the carpark, I arrived at work the previous day and helped myself finish a project. We then went for a beer together but having nothing much to say, we went our separate ways, promising to catch up sometime but probably won't. If truth be told, he was kind of annoying and smoked all my cigarettes.



The address is Top of the Forest (High Ground), 100 Aker Wood East. It has a green door. You can't miss it. Regards, David. From: Brian Lawrence

Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 7.24pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car



I dont give a fuck about stupid squirels. i hate squirels. is that a street address what suburb? do you want to sell the car or not? I can come and look now and the car looks white in the photo is it white or silver? do you have a cd player?

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 10.06am

To: Brian Lawrence

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car



Dear Brian,

The vehicle employs the same paint technology as the stealth bomber. Sometimes it appears white and other times like a small shrubbery. This has proven quite handy during police chases, especially in garden centres. The interior boasts a myriad of colours thanks to hand quilted Mennonite seat covers while the ceiling features an eighteen by twelve metre mediaeval tapestry of some guy in armour stabbing a fat peasant for offering threepence for his horse. I do have a CD player, thanks for asking, and although the vehicle does not, it does feature a Rank Arena record player in the boot. As long as you do not exceed ten kilometres per hour and avoid speed bumps, the sound reproduction far surpasses that of compact disc technology. Along with the pants (beige, size 32L) and 4kg bag of squirrel food, I will throw in the Boney M Christmas LP. Regards, David.

From: Brian Lawrence

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1.34pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car



you can keep the squirel food and pants what have squirrels go to do with the car?I can get a black BMW for how much you want for your car. why are wasting my time? are you fucking stupid? i hope a fucking squirel bites you and you die of aids fag. From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1.51pm

To: Brian Lawrence

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car



Dear Brian,

I do apologise, I assumed from your initial offer that wasting each other's time was the premise of our relationship. The vehicle has been sold, at the asking price, but the pants (beige, size 32L) and 4kg bag of squirrel food are still available if you want them. When I was young, I had an Auntie named Phyllis who owned a glue gun and believed home made presents were far superior to store bought ones - despite her artistic level being just below that of a blind quadriplegic monkey. I once received, inside a large box with a shiny ribbon, a Christmas tree snowman ornament consisting of a foam ball with plastic hat, sequins for buttons and face drawn on with a Bic pen. For my birthday. In February. Her presents were quietly refered to as "shit in a shiny ribbon." I'm sure you will be much happier in your BMW. As you drive down the street people will probably point and declare "Look at that guy, he must be rich or a secret agent."

Regards, David. From: Brian Lawrence

Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 5.21pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car



go fuck a squirel

