Ogilvie Humdiddle

Mad River Union

ARCATA, APRIL 1 – The City Council held a marathon special meeting last Wednesday night to settle once and for all its conroversial proposal to outlaw vaping on stilts during a tsunami drill.

The Arcata Community Center was filled to near-capacity as citizens braved a rainy night to have their say on the proposed ordinance.

City Manager Karen Diemer read a staff report which indicated that the new policy, if implemented, will have little to no effect on the city’s budget, or much of anything else for that matter. “Costs are expected to be commensurate with the relevance of this measure,” Diemer said, rolling her eyes.

With a lengthy, rambling statement, Councilmember Susan Ornelas introduced the draft ordinance. As fellow councilmembers and staff took on a glazed look and snores began to emanate from the audience, Ornelas’s stream-of-consciousness harangue suggested that it was time to “change the energy” around stilt-vaping.

“I’m of two minds on this,” she said although it wasn’t immediately clear which of the minds had seized control of her speech mechanism. “You have to understand that this is all part of a process.”

Councilmember Paul Pitino objected to the new policy, saying it had been developed by a deep state “clique.”

“This sounds like just another scheme to keep me from being the mayor,” an embittered Pitino said. “What about my legacy?”

Councilmember and tall drink o’ water Michael Winkler said he often sees eye to eye with stilt walkers, and literally so. “But I still don’t want that mob vaping on or over the Plaza,” he said.

Councilmember Brett Watson said the policy wasn’t inclusive, and could complicate the city’s efforts to ensure equity for all regardless of altitude or leg accessories.

Mayor Sofia Pereira said that even during her recent deranged rampage on the Plaza, she took care not to topple any Stilted-Americans.















