Gurl, Colin Powell is not the one.

He is Not. The. One.

Boris and Natasha, back at it again, hacked a bunch of the former Secretary of State's private e-mails and, it turns out, the 79-year-old retired general is shadier than the forest floor in Ferngully.

In personal e-mails to former staff members, colleagues and friends, Colin Powell calls the Republican Presidential candidate a "national disgrace," characterized Gen. Michael Flynn as a "right-wing nutty" and read former Vice President Dick Cheney's book, Exceptional: Why the World Needs a Powerful America, for absolute filth.

Bloomberg Getty Images

Honey, Powell needs to change his name to LeVar Burton because he is reading the rainbow.

Here's a personal favorite:

"One day when we both have had too many drinks we can discuss why [President George W. Bush] tolerated [Donald Rumsfeld] and why Dick [Cheney], a successful SecDef, was so committed to Don. I must say I gagged as [President George H.W. Bush] praised him as the 'best' at the statuary hall unveiling."

He gags, I gag, we're all gagging at this epic drag! Petty Powell is 100% that friend who is like, "Buy my three margaritas so I can tell you bout dis bish." Like, you know that friend doesn't even need the margaritas to spill the tea. This friend wakes up stone cold sober and jumps on Snapchat like "Y'all, here's the drama I'm living for!"

The steadfast military man has been a media presence since the Gulf War but y'all didn't know he was the Secretary of Shade and Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Sass.

Powell's like Johnny Appleshade—tossing off little seed takedowns in his e-mails and letting them grow. From the Redwood Forest, to the Gulf Stream water, this land was made for you to read.

Reports are just starting to come in on the e-mails, but I assume eventually they'll get to a bunch of missives where Powell just responds with Prince gifs.

Various journalists have reached out to Powell to get his response like he's a Real Housewife on a reunion special. I haven't called him myself, of course. Girl, you know I'm weird about talking on the phone. But some other journalists have called. Woodward and Bernstein. Brenda Starr. Mikael Blomkvist. Whoever. Powell, like the true shade samurai that he seems to be, is 100% not here for commenting about his e-mails either.

Buzzfeed called Powell to get a comment and the former Secretary of State was basically like, "You're bugging what, you're bugging who, you're bugging me and don't you see that ain't cool?"

Lemme find out that Colin Powell's out-of-office message is just one line: "Don't come for me unless I send for you."

It's likely that Powell did actual business in most of his e-mails but I like to imagine that the entire leak is just thousands of messages in which he gives his curt opinion like the Lucille Bluth of the Executive Branch.

He's like a one-man Federal Yelp. "Mike Pence. Zero stars. Would not recommend."

We shouldn't be surprised that Powell's e-mail persona is cattier than Grizabella's retirement party, though. In fact, we should have expected it. Don't sleep on black elders, y'all. Don't do it. If you had to bite your tongue through the last 60 years of our country's civil rights journey, best believe you'd have some tart commentary saved up, too.

They've got receipts older than you and they'll drag them out at a moment's notice.

Black elders deliver shade like you ordered it on Amazon Prime. They'll send you a read by a drone.

So, Colin Powell, decorated general, respected elder stateman, shade queen deluxe is not the one. You're going to need an industrial grade ShamWow for all this spilled tea. He can command an army and read you harder than a drag queen in the Library of Congress. He is not the one!

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

R. Eric Thomas R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column "Eric Reads the News," which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.

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