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Today, as I was waiting for a train, I heard a woman say “That's why they call it ScotFail”. A train had just been cancelled, you see, and people were really angry.

I get trains all the time. I'm always cutting about on trains, like a detective from a novel set in the 1920s. And most of the time - most of the time - the trains run like clockwork. Here and there, a train gets delayed, of course. And occasionally a train is outright cancelled. And it's annoying. I get it. I remember a train I was on suddenly deciding it wasn't going to stop until Milngavie, and I was left having to wait for a bus from Milngavie in torrential rain, a fate worse than actual death. I was wet, and feeling sorry for myself. But you know what?

Mistakes happen.

Today’s train chaos was caused by a fire. Now, I'm pretty sure it wasn't ScotRail who set fire to their own train controls (I know very little about how trains work). I'm sure that when Franky ScotRail woke up this morning to find out that some bad boys had set fire to his train set he was probably pretty annoyed. I bet he sat at breakfast with his face tripping him. I bet he said "They'll be calling us ScotFail again".

People need to keep the heid when these things happen. It must be hard to do a train system. Think about it. You have all these loads of tracks, with loads of wee trains going back and forth. One train breaks down and then what? I'm sweating just thinking about it.

(Image: SWNS)

You'd have to get that train off the track somehow, or all the other wee trains would hit it! But if it won't move, how do you move it? The first thing you'd need to do is stop all the trains. You'd be like that - “Stop the trains! There's a broken train on the train line! Stop every train while I work out what to do!” And then somebody would say to you “Rab, ye cannae stop all the trains. That'd be pure ScotFail.”

So you'd need to make a decision right there and then, about this broken train. You can't exactly ask all the passengers to get out and push it. Trains are far too heavy for that - I know, I've tried. So you'd phone a train fixer. You'd phone some guy, or woman, who knows how to fix a dodgy train.

And he'd be like that “Oooh, mate. This is a nasty one. Gonnae have to order a new part for this one. Might take a week or two to arrive. And it'll cost you.” And you thought you were sweating before? At this point you're sweating buckets. You're like a tsunami with eyes.

And this wee woman is probably on the train, and she's telling you that she has an appointment with her GP in twenty minutes. And she has tears in her eyes. And there's a guy heading away to see his daughter off on a plane. And there's a lassie going to her own wedding. And a guy taking his dug for a perm. And they're all asking you when the train is going to get moving.

(Image: SNS Group)

At this point, you'd need to hire a fleet of helicopters. You'd need to lift the train off the tracks using super-powerful choppers. And to get the passengers to where they need to go, you'd have to make the fateful decision that every guy who runs a train business must be terrified of - you'd have to run a bus.

“I'm running a bus,” you'd say, and you'd get pelted with rotten fruit and kicked up and down the train track. That guy would set his dug on you, and what's worse, it's a dug that really needs a hairdo.

It's murder just thinking about it. And that's just when one train breaks down. Imagine if something were to happen to one of the lines! You'd have to emigrate.

Now, imagine bad boys had done a fire and ruined all your signal controls and stuff. Imagine poor Franky ScotRail having to deal with all that. It's the kind of thing that makes you invent a jet pack so you can strap on a jet pack and fly to the moon. You’d be spending your whole morning apologising to people for something that wasn't even your fault. A deliberately set fire, something that is created from the base violent desires in the primal instincts of the human mind, has caused all this - and yet you're the one having to take all the blame.

You'd be like that - “Nae danger.”

So, the next time something goes wrong with a train, remember how difficult it is to do difficult stuff, and how there's just people doing their job at the other end. Nobody is deliberately trying to stop your dug from getting its perm, even though they should be.