I. PRESIDENT

II. VICE PRESIDENT

III. SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

IV. SPIRO AGNEW

Many are surprised to learn that a two-decades-deceased, former vice president who resigned in shame a year before Watergate forced President Richard M. Nixon out of office could be in the line of succession, but our forebears must have had their reasons. Should the chain of command fall to Agnew, he will be exhumed from a cemetery in Timonium, Md., where he has been resting, and posthumously serve as commander in chief for the remainder of the term.

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V: NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Fans of the current climate change-denying administration probably will be none too pleased with an astrophysicist president. A graduate of Harvard and Columbia universities, Tyson is a longtime devotee of the controversial magic often referred to as “science.” Although popular with some, the legitimacy of science is still up for debate in some circles. However, experts are optimistic for a comeback in 2020.

VI: KATNISS EVERDEEN

Famed heroine of the “Hunger Games” trilogy, Everdeen stole hearts by deftly winning the Hunger Games all three times in the books and the movies. The young warrior has become an underdog of the lower class with her harrowing survival of the deadly contest, much the way the average American has been forced to survive deadly political coverage for the past two years.

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VII. MR. PEANUT

Federalist No. 71 is very clear that should conditions deteriorate, an anthropomorphic peanut dressed in old-fashioned finery will faithfully execute presidential duties for the remainder of the previous president’s term. Should Mr. Peanut take office, the State Department’s Office of Protocol will take extra precautions to protect foreign leaders with peanut allergies during international meetings.

VIII. PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE OF THE SENATE

IX: THE TWINS BEYONCÉ IS CARRYING

Our forefathers were explicit in their preference for the developing offspring of a celebrated, Grammy-winning entertainment superstar to serve as leaders of the free world, should it come to that. If they should be called to office before the twins have made their entrance into the world, the founders intended them to run the country from inside Beyoncé’s womb, which I hear is really nice.

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X: THE I.T. GUY FROM YOUR DAD’S OFFICE WHEN YOU WERE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL

You could never remember whether his name was Evan or Eric, but he used to come to your rescue anytime you crashed a computer playing “Oregon Trail” at your dad’s office after school. He also helped you get your bottle of Fanta out of the vending machine that time it got stuck dangling on the ledge. It would be awesome to have someone like Eric in the White House. Or Evan. Whatever his name was.

XI: THE BACKPACK FROM “DORA THE EXPLORER”

With its fluent grasp of English and Spanish, as well as a seemingly magic ability to produce any necessary object at a moment’s notice, the purple, genderless satchel would make the perfect world leader in an unforeseen crisis.

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XII. GRIMACE

In continuation of the theme of purple leadership, a rotund, furry, nondescript creature named after an expression worn by torture victims would also be eligible to inherit the presidency. Concern has been expressed over Grimace’s steady diet of McDonald’s milkshakes, which he spends most of his waking life trying to pilfer despite his ongoing battle with lactose intolerance. Grimace’s defenders argue that his milkshake habit, although unorthodox, takes up only about as much time as any other regular hobby such as, say, golf or Twitter.

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XIII. THE HAUNTED GIRL FROM “THE RING”

In one of the unlikeliest scenarios, the possessed demon girl from the popular horror movie “The Ring” will emerge from behind the presidential podium, protrude through your TV screen into your living room and assume leadership of the country in upsetting ways that are never entirely clear. When asked whether she would abandon her face-obscuring hairstyle in favor of a more professional one should the position arise, the murderous ghost responded in a presidential manner by retreating to the bottom of a well and eating cockroaches.

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XIV. THIS ROCK I FOUND ON MY WALK YESTERDAY