ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Calls for video games to be banned have been sullied by a young doctor today after he discovered the cure to cancer by playing a popular strategy game from last century.

One of Dr John Pearlman’s patients was gravely ill earlier this week. Today, the popular local oncologist watched that very same patient drink 16 shandies after two games of squash back-to-back.

On Monday night, after a weekend of playing Age of Empires, smoking billies and steaming box after box of frozen dumplings, Dr Pearlman had a brainwave.

“This bloke was sick as a pike,” he said.

“Like he was fucking green and everything. The other doctors and I were all put of ideas when I decided to try something I saw playing video games.”

Onlookers say Dr Pearlman then let his eyes roll back in his head and he started chanting “Woolooloo” over and over again until the patient turned a healthy reddish colour and slowly came back online.

Medical journal, Lancet, is calling the breakthrough ‘nothing short of a miracle’.

They wrote that more trials are needed but current progress is very encouraging.

More to come.

