My home internet connection is slow. Actually slow is really an understatement, its sluggish, sloth like, it makes the sound the slugs make when racing across my lawn. Finally the other day I got fed up waiting for something to load and decided to go to Verizon.com to see what else was available. I should say that I cant get cable so I am stuck with DSL which in my opinion, sucks.

I get online and find that Verizon has 3 available plans. 1mb, 3mb and 7mb. The prices are 19.99, 29.99 and 42.99 respectively. I wasn’t sure what I had now but I was willing to bet the farm it was the slowest one. I decide to call Verizon and find out what I have now. I call and am told that I have 768kb. Well this is odd because they don’t even offer that speed anymore. Its so slow its not even on the list! Imagine my surprise when I ask what they are charging me for 768 and I am told 24.99. So they are charging me more for something so slow that they don’t even offer it anymore.

I tell them I would like to upgrade to the 7mb. The woman says fine and quotes me a price of 52.99 a month. I tell her no, that online it says 42.99. She says that is an online price and that the only way to get that price is to order it online. They are unable to give me that price over the phone. As idiotic as this sounds, I say fine and hang up. I log into Verizon and click the “upgrade my internet” link. I immediately get a “We are unable to complete your request at this time, please call this number for service”. Then it includes the number. I call the number and tell the women the entire story. She gets into my account and the system and says “Sir I can upgrade you to 7mb but the only price I have available is 52.99, I am sorry sir the 42.99 price is only available online, you will have to order it online to get that price”. I ask her if she heard my story. “I SAID I am unable to do it online because I got an error message”. She said she was sorry and would connect me to someone that could help.

I get woman #2. I tell woman number two the entire story with the woman #1 addition. She gets into my account, then the system and says “Sir I can upgrade you to 7mb but the only price I have available is 52.99, I am sorry sir the 42.99 price is only available online, you will have to order it online to get that price”. At this point I just about scream “ARE YOU DEAF, CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME!!??”. But I refrain and ask her if she heard what I said. I tell her I am unable to do it online because of the message to call Verizon for help. I told her I am calling for help. She apologizes and says she will connect me to someone that can help me.

I now have woman #3 on the phone. I tell her the, now growing story. She apologizes for my troubles and gets into my account. Care to take a guess as to what she said? If you guessed, Sir I can upgrade you to 7mb but the only price I have available is 52.99, I am sorry sir the 42.99 price is only available online, you will have to order it online to get that price, then you are a winner, collect your prize online at Verizon. I am so crazed with frustration at this point I am almost passing out. I tell her that I am “UNABLE TO DO IT ONLINE AS IT SAYS I CANNOT AND THAT I MUST CALL THE NUMBER WHICH I HAVE DONE”!!!!!!! She apologizes for my troubles and says she will connect me with someone that can help me. I told her “I do not believe you”. She said “excuse me sir”? I said “you heard me, I do not believe you, but do what you must”.

I now get “help” person numero quattro. He is a man and I tell him my tale. Its a long sad tale with an unhappy ending, but I tell it nonetheless. He apologizes and gets into my account. If you are feeling sporty, you can wager double or nothing on what he said to me. Care to wager it all? If you guessed, Sir I can upgrade you to 7mb but the only price I have available is 52.99, I am sorry sir the 42.99 price is only available online, you will have to order it online to get that price, then you now have two prizes waiting for you at the Verizon help desk. Call them to claim. At this point I tell my man helper that I do not believe for one second that Verizon has any intention of selling any of the deals that they advertise online and that I think the entire thing is a scam to force me to pay 52.99 for 7mb internet. He tells me “Sir Verizon is a multi billion dollar company, I assure you it is not in the business of scamming people”. I respond, “well then give me the deal online or fix your site”.

After fiddle farting around for 10 minutes or so, he says that he thinks he has a solution. He says that although he cannot give me the 42 dollar deal he has a different deal he can give me. He is able to give me 7mb for 35 dollars a month with the first month free. At this point, I am thinking I have seen the end of civilization and it is ending right here on the phone with this idiot, who after spouting his douchebaggery for almost 15 minutes can now give me an even better deal than the one I have been fighting to get for almost an hour now.

Of course I take the deal but not after telling him that I find it amazing that Verizon finds it acceptable to do business in this fashion. “Imagine my surprise when I found out that Verizon is now throttling me down to a speed that they dont even offer for more money than a current faster speed. I am stuck with Verizon today and maybe for a few years, but someday I will have options, one day I will have cable available or some other technology will come along”. I asked him if he had to wager a guess, would he guess that I will stay with Verizon or kick them to the curb in hopes of finding a company that WANTS my business. He said he didn’t care to wager. Yeah I bet. Imagine how happy I would be with Verizon if every now and then I got a letter that said they have upgraded their system and that the new minimum speed has increased and is cheaper and as a result I can expect to have faster internet at a new automatically lowered price. I would stay with a company like that for a long long time.