Have you ever walked into a clothes shop, pointed at the ugliest thing in there and bought it to wear on a day with non-stop photos? No? So why do we do it for graduation?

Togas are ugly.

It’s out there, and while the earth is shaking as traditionalists bemoan millennials killing another time-honoured practice, people with an eye for style (or even just people with an eye) can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

What makes the situation so aesthetically-frustrating is that our generation has all seen Harry Potter; we know the billowy effect can be cute. Hermione’s sharp corner turns featuring robe-flurries put Viktor Krum into a trance while us muggles are stuck looking like Aunt Marge after Harry was done with her.

“You know you look bad, but you do it anyway – because it’s what’s expected of you.”

Adding insult to injury, some togas can look good – but only if you’re in a position of power. Deans, rectors and other big wigs in the university structure get gold trim and fancy cuts (they’re two sequins short of a Rupaul’s Drag Race-esque reveal) – a casual reminder that you’ll always be the Michelle to society’s chosen Beyonce.

And speaking of tragic group dynamics, what better way to keep a freshly-graduated young adult tethered to their parents than by creating an outfit that constantly needs a mother fussing over you to make it look presentable.

Coincidence? Probably. But it’s still one hell of an allegory for life.

But despite all the negative sides, at least the toga solves one major problem locally. In Malta we’ve been trying hard to fight tribal mentalities, so it’s nice to see that there’s still a built-in colour scheme to really drive home the ‘aħna‘ vs ‘intom‘ mentality.

Phew, we were almost rid of that here!

With one quick scan of a graduation hall you can divide the students by the level of their education (“he’s not wearing any colours? Pff – Diploma biss laħaq“) and the course they just finished (“you see that person who’s dressed even dumber than the rest? Dak tabib ta!“) before making snap judgement about them as individuals.

You can probably also tell who left the toga-picking till the last second based on how sad and sparse the fluffy thing on top of their hat is. But that’s more of an anthropological game, so eyes out for the students with a green sash on their hood to help you out.

The distaste for the toga doesn’t just spawn from a superficial standpoint (although, would it kill them to have a belt that pulls it all in at the waist?). The toga represents everything that’s wrong with the way we’re educated.

Despite insane technological leaps forward in the past 20 years, our education systems haven’t changed much in centuries. And the celebratory outfit hasn’t either.

You know you look bad, but you do it anyway – because it’s what’s expected of you. You study for three to five years, you graduate, you wear a square of black silk with three holes cut out, you cheer through an endless ceremony… and then it’s off to work till you’re 70. Enjoy!

The shiny tablecloth doesn’t care about your individuality, everyone blends into the crowd. Even if you’ve taken the time to cultivate a killer outfit (/personality) under everything, nobody is going to know how cool, unique or different you are underneath it all.

And to really kick you when you’re down they charge you crazy amounts of money for the privilege of renting the world’s boujiest potato sack and covering yourself up on one of the most memorable days of your life.

But at least we’re allowed that fun little hat toss, so it’s all worth it right?

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