TRENTON, NJ—Shaking his head in dismay as he realized how quickly the slide into authoritarianism might occur, astonished man Dennis Burton told reporters Friday that he finally understood how Nazi Germany could happen after playing Wolfenstein 3D. “I always told myself that this was the sort of thing that could never happen here, but now that I’ve seen what happened to B.J. Blazkowicz, it’s clear that I was dead wrong,” said the visibly emotional Burton, expressing shame at his former naivety while traveling down a gray corridor, pausing to marvel at the disturbing scale of Third Reich paraphernalia covering Castle Wolfenstein’s walls before gunning down an Übermutant. “The idea of watching Nazi super-soldiers goose-stepping together through a pixellated hallway used to seem like science fiction. But witnessing them marching before my very eyes made me realize: My God, the horrifying world of Robo-Hitler isn’t as far off as we might like to tell ourselves.” At press time, Burton was vowing to never again forget the lessons he had learned while thwarting Operation Eisenfaust.

Advertisement