Welcome to Ask a Sex Educator, a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow will be answering all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.

Is it OK that I want to watch porn?

Yes! It’s OK that you want to watch! But I want to ask some questions to figure out what may be behind your curiosity and how you can give yourself whatever it is you’re looking for.

First of all: Why are you excited about watching porn? If it’s because you’re curious about what it is or because it sounds exciting, that’s totally fine, and we’ll talk about how to be smart about how you watch it. If, however, what you’re looking for is answers to questions about real-life sex and relationships, porn usually isn’t the best place to go for that. The sex portrayed in most readily available porn really isn’t true to the sex most people have in their lives. For example, maintaining an erection for several hours is nearly impossible. Porn often shows no barriers (like condoms) whereas the majority of people report using barriers during sex. In porn, there’s not usually a discussion between the partners about what they both want — though this is something actors talk about before they shoot together. As writer Tina Horn once told me, "The sex in porn is not a how-to guide for real-life sex, just like driving in The Fast and the Furious is not a guide for real-life driving.”

So if what you want is answers to questions about sex (like how does sex really work or is it supposed to feel good, etc.), I would check out Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood, Sex, Etc, or some of my other columns instead.

Now, even if you’re just curious or want to feel turned on, there are still a few things to think about. Any time you view images, you want to keep in mind what messages those images send you — for example, most fashion models are thin, white, and cisgender, so that can give you an unrealistic idea about what it means to be beautiful.

Similarly, most mainstream porn shows thin, white, hairless, cisgender people having straight sex that doesn't focus on women's pleasure. So make sure to remind yourself that that isn’t actually the only type of person who can experience sex and that truly good sex includes pleasure for everyone and constant conversations and check-ins to ensure everybody is on board. And if you're looking for sex-related content, seek out other images or ideas about what can be sexy — there actually are feminist and queer pornographers who attempt to show more realistic sex with a variety of bodies and genders.

And speaking of those conversations and check-ins, remember that watching porn is a sexual activity, and just like any sexual activity, it requires the consent of anyone taking part. Because so many people have smartphones, videos and images are really easy to access and show to others. You still need to check in and make sure whoever is looking at the images (whether it’s a partner or a friend) really feels OK with seeing them. No one should be pressured to watch.

Related: The Foolproof Way to Know if Someone Has an STD or STI

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