St. Charles, MO—

At approximately 8:30pm yesterday evening, local Republican Everett Hines was stunned to learn that communists, socialists and fascists aren’t the same thing.

Hines learned the fact while surfing random Wikipedia pages, and his hyperlink clicking led him to a page about political theory, which included links to the educational descriptions of what the words “communist,” “socialist,” and “fascist” actually mean.

“I was real bamboozled to learn that they are not the exact same thing,” Hines said. “For the last decade I have been calling President Obama and all the Democrats a bunch of ‘fascist, socialist communists,’ but now it’s pretty clear to me that Democrats couldn’t possibly be all three at the same time. I was quite shocked that my favorite compound insult for liberals was, in fact, paradoxical! They should do a better job teaching the distinction between the various competing political ideologies in the schools because I had no clue communism relates to total government control of the economy, whereas socialism means some control. And I was shocked to learn that fascism is a description of government that implies much more than just economics.”

Hines then explained that the revelation has really opened his eyes.

“I had crafted this wonderfully long description for Obama, and it goes as follows: ‘Obama is a fascist, socialist, communist, secularist, jihadi, atheist, agnostic, Muslim, weakling, dictator tyrant, mom-jeans-wearing pansy, America-apologizing elitist, globalist, know-nothing, Ivy Leaguer.’ I was real proud of putting all those words together, and had it always ‘copied’ on my computer so a simple command-V would paste it into the comment section of any Facebook post I found even remotely related to Obama. Now, though, I’m aware that I have to cross out two of the first three words. This is all I’ve been able to think about for the last several days. I don’t know who I am politically anymore. I’ve told so many people that Obama was a communist-socialist-fascist that I feel like I have to apologize to every one of them for misleading them and being so uninformed about the topic.”

Hines said he learned something from the experience, and that, from now on, he would do more research about political science.

“All in all, this discovery has been for the good. I definitely have come out of this existential crisis a more curious person. The next words I’m going to research are ‘secularist,’ ‘jihadi,’ ‘atheist,’ ‘agnostic’ and ‘Muslim’ because I have a feeling that since all of those relate to religion maybe I’ve been inconsistent there as well by calling Obama all five at the same time. And, actually, I think I’ll have to choose one between ‘mom-jeans-wearing weakling’ and ‘dictator tyrant.’ I suppose that logically he can’t be both. Well, shoot, it’s really apparent that the anti-Obama conservative smearing agenda I’ve subscribed to all this time really needs some fact-checking. Actually, maybe my anti-Obama rhetoric has been so impulsive and pavlovian that I’ve been blind to the fact that Obama was actually a pretty okay president, and that America did not collapse, turn communist, or get invaded by Muslim terrorists like I claimed would happen his entire presidency. Hmm. I’ll have to consider it.”

Good luck, Everett.

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(Picture courtesy of Edgar Zuniga Jr.)

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