I’m going to drop some words of wisdom on you brought to you by an ancient proverb that wasn’t sponsored by Pepsi:

“There are two kinds of people in this world that go around beardless—boys and women—and I am neither one.”

That’s right because you are a man who wants to represent his manhood in an intelligent non-creepy way. Keep in mind, brandishing a beard comes with great responsibilities. Spider-Man wouldn’t be able handle having a beard, that’s too much damn responsibility.

I have decided to give you a starters list to things you will no longer be able to do while wearing your beard around in public. If you choose to not head these warning and press on ahead you may find yourself maced, accused of kidnapping, tackled by Homeland security or snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating your assistants abusively and rapping badly.

Listen and Carry On

The Beard Song by Burnin’ Blues Man

You cannot browse the children’s section of a book store.

Finding yourself in the children’s section is a no no. So is kidnapping children in a white van. If you ever wander into this section accidentally get out as fast you can before the mothers start eying you and your beard suspiciously. If you have a child it’s okay as long as they’re with you and they don’t look frightened like you just kidnapped from the playground.

You cannot leave your baggage unattended.

Leaving unattended luggage is bad for anyone to do because – why the hell are you leaving luggage by itself anyway? If you have a beard and you don’t know how to use it you’re going to look suspicious and if you get tackled by a security guard because you walked away from your luggage your mugshot is going to put a damper on all of our mile high fun.

You cannot drink from a brown paper bag.

Stop drinking out of that brown paper bag adding to the idea that if you have a beard you’re at least partially homeless.

You cannot feed the birds that live in your beard.

Peter Griffin is allowed to feed birds with his beard. You, on the other hand, are not. With Joaquin Phoenix floating around out there we’ve got enough trouble not looking like a crazy person because we have a beard.

You cannot order a happy meal.

This adds to the overall I’m going to kidnap small children today. Please help me in doing this by providing me with delicious meals with toys that I can play with while waiting for school to get out.

You cannot own a white van.

Really?

You cannot be Joaquin Phoenix.

Don’t be him. Just don’t.