The leaves are turning. The temps are dropping. Electricity is in the air. Which can only mean one thing: Sheev is back and he’s bringing a harvest full of shocking advice for whatever is ailing people out there. After the jump, we unleash the Emperor on the trending issues of the day. The zeitgeist is about to get zapped to hell and back!

Yo Sheev,

Is it cool to take a knee during the National Anthem and show support for Colin Kaepernick and protest the racial inequalities that exist to this day? I’m torn because according to 23andme.com I’m 0.0021% African despite appearing mostly Viking on the surface. Also, what do you think about Kaepernick filing a grievance against the owners of NFL teams claiming collusion? Thanks, bruh. Keep it Sheevy.

-C. Matthews

Darth Matty,

Rise, my friend. No need to take a knee unless you are showing me respect. Learn from Vader. It matters not where you or your friends come from, you shall bend thy knee for me and no one else. Racial inequality will always exist, between aliens and humans, between the sexes, between my royal guard and regular stormies, even amongst us Sith lords. It is what it is. My advice to you: respect he or Sheev who keeps you among the living. As for this Kapernicus, I had no idea he was working with General Grievous. I shall look into this further. Please refrain from throwing any of your games until then. At ease, my young stallion.

Dearest Steev,

Do you believe in global warming? After what happened to Mexico and Puerto Rico, surely you must have a point of view on the rise of natural disasters here on Earth. Have you made a donation to help those in need?

-M. Theresa

Terry,

First of all, my name is Sheev Palpatine and you will use it correctly or feel the full wrath of my legal team. As for your query, one of the unfortunate side effects of creating Death Stars is the topsy-turvy weather patterns left throughout the galaxy in their wake. For this, you can blame the Rebel Alliance… galactic cockroaches who force my hand. I assure you destroying Earth is not high on my to-do list. It’s an unfortunate byproduct of my planet-killing weapons. Unfortunately, to eradicate cockroaches, one must often turn to oversized weaponry. It’s a strategy based on fear in them and have them fall in line. I cannot be blamed if they do not heed my warnings. Roaches gonna roach. Rest assured however, I am the rare exception among Sith lords who can feel empathy for the plight brought about by these circumstances. So yes, I have indeed made a donation to the Imperial war chest as these Death Stars are starting to threaten my holiday bonus. Cheers.

Monster,

Do you remember the time you approached me in the mess hall, and told me about a great opportunity to lay down new pipe in your private chambers? Do you recall how excited I was to even be speaking to you? You told me how fixing your plumbing would open all kinds of doors for me and my family back on Jakku. I remember it like it was yesterday, because it’s kept me up every night over the years. We arrived at your quarters, and your pale purple assistants served to honeypot me and make me feel safe in your company. You quickly excused them, which left us alone, but my guard was down as I was thinking about my tools. I was busy checking the radiator and adjusting the pipe fitting, while you went deeper into your chambers. When next I looked up, you were standing over me in nothing but a bathrobe. You were unnaturally excited with dark side electricity emanating from your eyes, your mouth and god knows where else. I was startled and intimidated. I felt threatened. You asked if I needed a different tool, and reached into my belt and handed me an adjustable wrench, but not before groping me. I quickly finished working the pipe and high tailed it out of there. Before I left though you told me to never say a word of this to the Union, to Darth Vader, not even to my bunkmates. Do you remember any of this? I plan on speaking out soon to protect impressionable young Imperials from monsters like you.

-Anonymous Radar Technician

Dear Anon,

You must have me confused for another Galactic Emperor. I would never engage in conversation let alone any pipe work with a lowly technician in the mess hall. I suggest you read up on penal code 12.268 of the Galactic Empire’s New Hire Handbook before slandering me any further. The punishment for mudslinging is quite severe. Good day!

Sup Palps,

Whatchu think about dat new trailer for Da Last Jedi, son?

-Snoke-A-Emcee

Greetings Sneminem,

As a cinephile, I quite enjoy viewing trailers to upcoming films, especially those set in the Galaxy I rule over. This new film, however, gives me a terrible case of déjà vu. It feels as though I have lived through it — almost as if director Brian Ronson was documenting my life from 30 years ago. It’s bizarre. For the record, I think Luke comes off every bit as whiny as he is in person. The new kids are great comic relief. I’m really not sure if we’re supposed to take them seriously or not. My favorite parts were the bird creatures screaming like Chewbacca – I need to have one of those. What planet are they from? I will rule over them soon. Second fave part was the guy trying his best to be me during one of the final shots of the trailer. The villain if you will. LOL. Have I raised the bar so high that they’ve just stopped trying? A gold robe, sympathetic blue eyes…. Haha. Is this what passes for THE BIG BADDIE these days? I feel the current generation has gone soft, and this guy in particular isn’t enough to stir millennials out of their avocado toast shells and strike fear into their hearts. But what do I know.

Dear Palpatine,

What are you going to be for Halloween this year?

-M. Gerrera

Dear Gerry Rivera,

I’ve taken up Seventh Day Adventism and as such, we do not celebrate holidays. Sad but true. So, I will be plain ol’ me this year. All the treat you need. Love me or leave me alone.

Sheev,

What do you think of the title to the Han Solo spinoff film? Personally I think Disney had no choice but to name it Solo.

-D. Faraci

Dear Farsi,

I find it insulting that I have yet to be asked to be in a solo spinoff. Is Disney not aware of my Sheev spin – y’know the move that single-handedly elevated the prequel films from crap to absolute classics? Of all the characters on either side of the war, Han Solo is the least deserving of a starring vehicle. I’d say he’s one of the forefathers of all that is wrong with cinema today. The lovable wise-cracking anti-hero… Han gave rise to the quipfest that’s poisoning every single superhero film these days. It makes me sick. I hope it bombs harder than Blade Runner 2049.

Hi Sheevus,

What candy should I give out to the ingrateful, snot-nosed brats that come ringing this year?

-M. Stewart

Dear Jimmy Stewart,

I recommend doling out half-pennies to anyone dumb enough to knock on your door. You seem like good people. Wouldn’t mind you as a neighbor tbh. What are the prices for homes like in your area. Thanks.