“I’ll never understand women.”

This is the entirety of the text of a post on Facebook added by a friend not too long ago. Maybe I should clarify that my social group is made up of women and men in their late 30s and early 40s. I expect this kind of declaration to come out of the mouths of babes, not to see it in my feed, non-ironically typed out by someone with four decades of experience interacting with girls and women.

I don’t want to say I was shocked or offended or infuriated or anything so reactionary because I’ve been living in this culture long enough to know there is still a perceived great divide between women and men. A quick search for confirmation nets headlines like “15 things men find annoying in women,” “25 Women On The Stupid Little Things Men Do That Drive Them Crazy,” “21 Things Men Do That Women Don’t Understand,” “30 Things All Women Do That Men Will Never Understand,” and “Men reveal the grossest things women do.”

I’ll admit to actually clicking on the last one because I found myself wondering what the grossest things I do really are and I thought there might be some insight there. As it turns out, though, the grossest things women do are: leaving their toenails unpainted, letting their pits get hairy, farting (especially in front of men), and failing to put moisturizer on their elbows, among other grave sins.

What did all of the items on the list have in common?

Each involved a woman being seen as disgusting for failing to do something that men are almost never expected to do with regularity or at all.

But back to my friend and his (one hopes) off-the-cuff post. Perhaps he’s unaware that he’s in good company in his belief that women are some separate alien entity to be analyzed and understood.

Take the third Synod of Mâcon, where it was supposedly “denied that women have a soul.”

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Or more recently, in comments in the cesspit that is MGTOW on Reddit.

One choice quote:

Women aren’t even people. Not really. Like overgrown toddlers. They never should’ve been given the rights to vote, own property, or to hold positions of authority. They’ve proven themselves unfit to government their own lives much less anyone else’s.

And another:

Women are a lot closer to robots than men.

Is this where I give into the idiocy and say “Boop beep!”? Nah. Because as cool as being a robot sounds, I’m still a flesh and blood human being who prefers not to be lumped into the giant block that is Capital W Women—not because I think there’s anything wrong with being a woman, but because when you look at the perception of this monumental group that is just over half the population, things look pretty bleak.

Let’s take this back to Google and some headlines one might encounter in one’s ongoing quest to “understand women.”

● Why are Women So Emotional?

● Why Are Women So Stuck Up?

● Why Are Women So Insecure?

● WHY ARE WOMEN SO ANGRY

● Why are women so stubborn???

● Why are women so manipulative and greedy?

● Why are Women Redundant?

● Why are Women Like Spaghetti (when Men are Like Waffles)?

And you have to love this unrepentant gem of a headline: “Understanding Why Women Are So Damn Difficult.”

So let’s unpack what’s going on here. Last time I checked, a given man can be just as emotional, stuck up, insecure, ANGRY, stubborn, manipulative, and greedy as a given woman. Which would explain why there are just as many headlines suggesting that men are all of these things, from emotional right on through to so damn difficult.

Remember, sexism can seem one-sided but often cut both ways.

But since the post that inspired this article was specific to men’s apparent lack of understanding where women are concerned, I want to put forth two theories that might explain why it’s so hard for some men to see women as human beings – one compassionate and one not so compassionate.

The first is that many men (and many women, too) have been socialized for their entire lives to think of themselves as the default and of women (or men) as this incomprehensible, but still necessary other. Heavy duty gendering throughout childhood may contribute to this. This is a girl toy, this is a boy toy, and never shall they be seen in the same corner of the playroom. Cosmo and Playboy and the wide world of marketing have done a great job of reinforcing the idea that women are from Venus and men are from Mars.

It’s pretty tough to throw off the shackles of this type of conditioning on a good day and so if you’re a person who is frustrated by some negative interaction, it’s no doubt easy to explain away your frustration by asserting that women (or men) are just plain crazypants.

My second less than compassionate theory is that for men, coming to the conclusion that women simply can’t be understood frees them from the burden of having to interact with women as people. If women are the other—barely human or some corrupted version of the default or toddlers in grownup bodies – then there’s nothing wrong with objectifying them.

Or maybe promoting a less qualified man over a highly qualified woman. Bros before hoes, right? The worst way this freedom manifests is in some men believing that they have a literal right to women’s attention and to their bodies. After all, consent is a non-issue when you’re dealing with a non-human or a robot or someone who is essentially a child.

Now obviously the truth of the matter is likely more nuanced—and different for every person who overtly or secretly tries to fit people into tiny inflexible boxes—but I have to admit I find it abhorrent that the men around me might not be listening to what I have to say but rather analyzing my words within the context of some hyper-narrow worldview.

Because apparently, I’m a problem that needs to be solved.

Given a single lifetime I will probably never convince a man who believes women are a separate species that members of the supposedly fairer sex are actually just human beings with all of the rich variations of internal and external characteristics one might expect to find in men.

But as a mother, I can make sure that my son knows that we ladies are actually just people. Some of us will be good, some bad. Some stable, and some crazy. And all different. I will also make sure that my daughter has a strong understanding of her own personhood so when she encounters dehumanizing nonsense in Cosmo or out of the mouths of the vocal MGTOW types that exist in the general population, she will know she is not a thing to be deconstructed and analyzed or worse, conquered, but an individual who deserves to be appreciated for who she is as a person.

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Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash