by Saintmort Christmas Songs To Get You Kicked Out of a Party

If you read my last Retroactive Thinking article you’re probably more than aware that I love Christmas. I love the every aspect of it, the movies, the old TV specials and most importantly the music. Over the years I’ve definitely collected such an eclectic collection of bizarre christmas songs. I’ve sent enough of these songs to Jonathan that he finally just said ‘listen loser, just put it in a fucking article and leave me alone’… so here we are.

I don’t recommend playing most of these songs at family christmas parties… however if you’re just having a gathering with friends… these could go over well…. but not likely.

Twisted Sister “Heavy Metal Christmas” – Let’s kick this off with a song that I once heard someone refer to as “not just the worst christmas cover of all time but the worst song ever”. You see when Twisted Sister decided it was time to FINALLY release a Christmas album (seriously Dee Snyder what the fuck took you so long!) they decided that simply covering 12 Days of Christmas just would NOT do justice, they needed to re-write this song to be more METAL thus Heavy Metal Christmas was born. No longer will you have to wonder what to get the metal head in your life this christmas. Clearly they want tattered shirts, spandex pants and skull earrings (among other things).

Atom and His Package “What WE do on Christmas” – Christmas isn’t just for christians obviously, well I mean sorta. There’s other holidays this time of the year, specifically Hanukkah which is what Atom and His Package decided to write about in his song What WE do on Christmas. Adam Goren (The Underground Laptop Pop Punker turned Science teacher) wrote this song a Christmas comp that reveals the secret meetings that the Jews have been having every Christmas Day plotting out their global takeover. Being that Adam is one of the friendliest guys on the planet he ends the song apologizing if he offended anyone. Check out Atom on the Saint Mort Show

Size 14 “Mrs. Claus” – Size 14 is a punk band from the earliest days of Drive-Thru Records. While they never received much fame the band was heavily featured in the indie comedy 100 Women and the lead singer Linus of Hollywood started up a record label and joined Nerf Herder. However they had a song early on in their career on appeared on Christmas Gone Wrong. This comp was a collection of christmas songs by punk bands on Drive Thru at the time, it now goes for like $300 used on eBay occasionally. The highlight track is Size 14’s ode to banging Mrs. Claus and ruining christmas for everyone.

Harley Poe “It’s Christmas Time Again” – One of my all time favorite bands since I was young was Calibretto 13. Calibretto 13 was a christian surf punk band in the same vein as Dead Kennedy’s. When they broke up the lead singer formed Harley Poe which was not a christian band at all (hear the whole story of his change of heart when he appeared on the Saint mort Show). One of the first songs they ever released was on a comp called “A Very Standard Christmas” (they were on a label called Standard Recording Records) about Killer Santa Claus. I’d like to believe he wrote it after watching the 2005 masterpiece Santa’s Slay.

Ben Folds “Bizarre Christmas Incident” Ben Folds is one of my favorite singer/songwriters but somehow this song escaped me for a quite a few years. The first time I heard it though, I loved it. The song tells the hilarious story of Santa Claus getting stuck in Ben’s chimney and dying. It’s hard to not love a song with the chorus “Santa he’s a big fat fuck/Came down the chimney and got his fat ass stuck”.

mc chris “Evergreen” – Nerdcore (but not Nerdcore) rapper mc chris wrote this song for his album Eatings Not Cheating. The song tells of a crazy adventure one christmas with him and his drug dealer.

Enjoy your party crashing this weekend!

Check out more of Matt Kelly’s Christmas lists on his blog Pure Mattitude and his Song-A-Day Facebook Page