Sonic Passion: A case study on idiots

by Lord Shmeckie, Master of AFTER, and Sway

We all know the world wide web is not always a pretty place. Sure, there are plenty of normal web sites for people to visit -- web sites that allow us to book vacations or shop from the comfort of our homes, web sites that provide us with great free entertainment, web sites that allow us to get our news for free, and web sites that allow us to interact and connect with others across the globe, for example, but beneath the web's bright and shiny exterior lies a seamy underbelly full of insane conspiracy theories, sexual depravity, disturbing pictures, and just about anything else you don't want to see. The bright side of this underbelly is that it is an endless source for humor and entertainment in the form of mockery and satire. In other words, some of the stuff people are into is just plain hilarious.

One such hilarious web site is Sonic Passion, a forum for people who are into something called "robophilia". Just what is robophilia, you ask? The preferred definition seems to be a sexual attraction or love for an artificially intelligent, human-like robot. So if you were attracted to Data from Star Trek (if he were to exist in real life), for example, that would be robophilia. The Sonic Passion forum members have misconstrued this word to mean a sexual attraction to, believe it or not, video game characters. And we're not talking Lara Croft or Kasumi or Yuna. These people are primarily attracted to characters from the Sonic The Hedgehog series of games. Yeah, you read right. These people would like nothing better than to bend Sonic over a chair and fuck him right up his little blue asshole. Or maybe they'd love to pound into Amy Rose while she beats them senseless with her giant mallet. And those are the least insane fantasies you'd find on this forum. These sexual deviants can combine fur fetish, scat fetish, pedophilia, rape fantasies, bestiality, voyeurism, slash fiction, and some other shit no one's ever even heard of into a horrific cocktail of anti-erotic madness that will leave you wondering whether you should be laughing or crying. The forum members also make it clear they despise society and real people and feel a connection only with video game characters and other real people like them.

Chief among the offenders is the forum's administrator, Alix Henriol, who has taken her sexual obsession with Sonic so far beyond rationality that it makes the rest of the members seem perfectly normal by comparison. Most of the following screencaps feature her in some way or another, because she really is the most entertaining out of all of them. She is willing to kill herself over Sonic, as she has readily claimed time and time again, and after reading some of her forum posts, you'll see there's no reason to doubt her sincerity. Is this the craziest forum on the web? In all honesty, probably. So on that note, onto the show!

Further proof of the popular scientific theory that Sonic's semen transcends sexual orientation.

Alix's Father: Tell me again why you wanted me to buy this extremely expensive digital camera for you?

Alix: It's for... umm... school.

Dear lord, this is Alix's full signature. Basically all of that boils down to: "I plan on dying alone."

How far gone are you when circles are more arousing that actual human beings? Anthropomorphic animals like Sonic, I can at least understand the why/how, but these are fucking circles with eyes.

I WANT HIM TO SLICE OPEN ONE OF HIS ARTERIES AND BATHE ME IN HIS BLOOD UNTIL HIS WHITE CELL COUNT MATCHES MY WHITE SEX COUNT OH GOD I'M CUMMING JUST THINKING ABOUT HIS PUS!

Screw any good reviews it gets from respected magazines and web sites, this post would make a great quote for the box cover of the next Sonic game!

Damn woman, even your fellow "robophiles" think you're a frothing nutcase. Go get yourself some medication. And then resize that fucking gigantic avatar.

I would probably EAT HER VOMIT AND SHOOT MYSELF FOR HER I AM NOT A LIAR!!!!!!!!

I believe there are about 14,035 pictures done by 12 furries that say otherwise...

The Grim Reaper and Satan are your role models in life? That's not normal. Oh, right, you want to fuck video game characters.

Here's a picture of Shadow #1 fan. A gay goth who admires the religious representation of evil, the manifestation and symbol of death and the circle of life, and a cartoony hedgehog from a video game. He's a joke in itself, folks.

Throw in some dialogue and we got ourselves material for AdultFanFiction.net!

Well now you're just ruining it for everybody.

"Why won't she respond top my marriage proposal? Is it because I'm already married to the letter 'D'?! It's fake, Amy! My marage certifercit is a fake!"

No dude, I totally think Sonic Team was all like: "We need more sex appeal in our games, and since the voluptuous, flirtatious bat with huge tits didn't do it for anybody, let's include a prepubescent rabbit girl in the next game to really get the fanboys drawing those naked pictures of our characters!" Makes perfect sense.

Can't we just cuddle?

Nice to see Kramer's "bro" caught on in Sonic's world.

What the hell is it with you people wanting to ejaculate all over everything!

Fantasizing about a girl who isn't alive anymore? Eww dude that's gross! Quit talking about all this gross stuff and go back to picking which video game character you want to have anal sex with.

Suddenly, just not having a date doesn't really seem that pathetic anymore.

HOW COULD YOU BASE YOUR MARRIAGE TO A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER ON A LIE?! CHEATING ON SHADOW?! THE NERVE! I mean, really, cheating on video game characters... how can you even face yourself in the mirror?

Someone should tell her that marriage certificate isn't legally binding, just to feed my curiosity as to which method of suicide she'll attempt. My guess is cutting. It's not terribly adventurous, but it's a tried and true method endorsed by assloads of teenagers.

Chaosangel sat at her computer and repeatedly pressed the refresh button on her browser for days, eagerly awaiting a reply from her dear Shadow-chan, until finally she starved to death and was later discovered when her parents decided to sweep out the basement. You folks at home will get the whole story when the movie version comes out.

I wonder why there are no replies...

Here we can see the wide spectrum of sexual insanity that exists on these forums. Mmmm, that Bomberman is a piece of ass.

You know why people can't understand that there are people in this world in love with Sonic and therefore have a sexual attraction toward him? Because that's fucking retarded!

Ah, yes, proof on the internet that you married Sonic, that'll impress a lot of people. Could this day possibly get any more romantic? And you're crying, too. That's insane.

Yeah, heaven forbid you ruin the sanctity of video game marriage by allowing polygamy! It's forbidden in almost all countries on Earth, unlike fucking video game characters, which is so utterly obtuse and ridiculous they haven't even begun to think about considering making a law against it! Thanks, Alix! Anything goes, as long as it's done to ONE "person", dammit!

Tough break... And what really sucks is that if you're away from your child for that long, the Video Game Child Services people might declare you an unfit mother and take your beloved Rubi away. Oh my god, what would you do if that happened and the Video Game Courts wouldn't give you custody again? What would you tell Knuckles? Oh my god. But seriously, when a seven-year-old kid has a better grasp of reality than you, it's time to die.

Alix's Sonic sex toy collection. If you think the imagery is bad, just imagine the stench.

Wouldn't it have been great if he never woke up?

Huge monkeys throwing barrels!? Holy shit, I just came in my pants!

Well, that's it. This was just a small sample of what goes on at Sonic Passion. We hope you laughed as hard reading this as we did working on it. Be sure to visit the Sonic Passion Forum for more -- way more. You can open up any topic there and 95% of the time you will be treated to some laugh-out-loud insanity courtesy of one of the members there.

Just... be sure to turn images off in your browser beforehand. Seriously.

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