Theresa May demands soul back from Satan

Comedy Prime Minister Theresa May has angrily demanded her soul back from Satan as ‘this wasn’t what she meant, and he knows it.’

The contract between Theresa May and Satan was supposed to guarantee her power despite her inability to, whilst in a brewery, organise a piss-up.

“Frankly, I’ve been tremendously let down by Satan,” said Mrs May, as she threw her pentagram into the bin.

“Only a year ago, whilst I was running through a wheat field, the Horned one appeared before me to offer me a contract.

“Obviously, I wasn’t scared, I knew him well from my time serving under David Cameron.

“The contract stated clearly that should I sell my soul to him, he would guarantee I win the next election, but this wasn’t what I meant and he knows it. So I want my soul back.”

Satan, however, has since made a statement denying the legitimacy of the contract.

“As the overlord of Hell, I am always happy to deal with any Conservative leader,” he said.

“However, if you want to sell me your soul, you need to have one to begin with.

“And that’s why I’m writing off this contract with Mrs May.

“And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting a call from Boris Johnson.”