Do you want to impress your friends with a fantastically cool and hilarious Facebook status on your wall? We have some of the greatest, most awesome, coolest, funniest and most hilarious statuses here.

Fantastic Facebook statuses are a great way to have many eyes on you without having to reveal personal information about your activities or feelings; something that most people can’t easily handle. It’s also not hard to find or track. They can be hilarious comments about sporting events, funny quotes, news events, or just clever twists and turns on things that happen in everyday life. Below are some of the coolest and best Facebook statuses you can use to brighten up your social networking group’s day

1. McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”

2. *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

3. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

4. Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me.

5. Isn’t it odd how people kill flies just because they’re annoying? If people killed people for being annoying I would’ve died like 15 years ago.

6. Those that drink beer live less… but not the way you think… Less stressed, less sad, less bitter & less worried!

7. I’m not addicted to Facebook. I only use it when I have time: lunch time, break time, bed time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

8. Dear life, when I said “Can my day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge!

9. Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me… I need smarter friends.

10. When I have kids im going to make them watch the movie 2012, and then tell them i survived that.

11. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 92,748 times, you are a weatherman.

12. Instead of “single” as a marital status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

13. Reading texts while half asleep is like looking into the sun.

14. Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.

15. Q: Why do girls live longer than boys? A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does.

16. “When all is said and done” It will be really quiet.

17. I hate weddings. Old people would poke me saying “You’re next”. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, “You’re next“.

18. I stay fat because it just would not be fair to all of the thin people if I were this good looking, intelligent, funny, AND thin. It’s a public service really.

19. You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.

20. When I see you, I am happy, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside. – Me to my fridge

21. Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing.

22. There’s no such thing as insomnia. Just a lot of people with Internet access.

23. Me and my wife have finally decided we don’t want any more kids, so if anyone does we can drop them off tomorrow.

24. –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.

25. The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

26. Life is s( o )( o ) much funnier when you have a dirty mind….

27. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down and kill it.

28. iswonderingwhatthelongkeyatthebottomofmykeyboarddoes?

29. Nothing makes me more nervous than receiving Facebook emails after the weekend saying, “You have been tagged in a photo.”

30. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

31. Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

32. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

33. Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, and then looking at the neighboring table and wishing you’d ordered that.

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