NEW HAVEN, CT—Speaking out against proposals to provide federal assistance to Americans hardest hit by the pandemic-fueled economic downturn, local conservative Mark Garrett expressed worry Wednesday that relief checks would discourage citizens from learning to provide for themselves by killing him and taking his property. “People in this country should have enough self-reliance to stand on their own two feet, bust down my door, cut my throat, and seize all of my possessions,” said Garrett, adding that in America, there are plenty of profits to be had by anyone motivated enough to just go out there and forcibly take them. “There’s a real moral hazard here: When you pay people for doing nothing, it rewards them for being too irresponsible to look at all the wealth I’ve accumulated and realize that if they simply kidnapped my family and held them for ransom, I would eagerly pay it. A resourceful person wouldn’t even need a gun, not if they were enterprising enough to come at me with a knife, an ax, or a tire iron. At the end of the day, if you’re not willing to murder me while I’m asleep in bed and pocket all my valuables, you’re not willing to work.” Garrett went on to ask why federal funds couldn’t instead be given to the national guard, which would need to be sent in to impose martial law when the peasants began to riot.

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