Following a flurry of team firings and structure changes today, veteran leaders of the Detroit Lions (1-7) held a players-only Ice Cream Social in hopes of jumpstarting a moribund squad that lacks even the tiniest shred of passion, motivation or skill at the game of football.

Word quickly spread that Lions president Tom Lewand and general manager Martin Mayhew had been fired by owner Martha “Knuckles” Ford, leaving many players wondering where the NFL’s worst team is now headed.

“It was time to take care of our business,” said an anonymous Lions defensive veteran with ten years of NFL experience. “A private players-only ice cream social is a great way to highlight the shortcomings of ownership, management and the coaches in a civilized and delicious manner.”

According to several senior players, Head Coach Jim Caldwell and his staff were purposely denied access to the Ice Cream Social, which took place behind closed-doors. As such, coaches had “zero input” on the flavors of ice cream that were served.

After sleep-walking through a typically-lazy Lions weekday practice, which had Caldwell throwing ping-pong balls at the offensive lineman while they stood blindfolded on one foot, the team captains began quietly gathering players together near the practice facility entrance.

“There was a lot of whispering and gesturing with our hands,” said another veteran player who asked to remain anonymous. “[Caldwell] is pretty clueless so he didn’t catch-on that something was happening until he found some dirty spoons in the trash later that afternoon.”

Caldwell disregarded the incident as an indication of internal strife, noting that many NFL teams showing a complete absence of strategy, execution and general football acumen will see veteran players take matters into their own hands.

“When I was coaching Peyton Manning, he made the whole offensive line attend a players-only merry-go-round ride after a particularly poor loss against the Patriots,” Caldwell said. “They sorted some things out and ate cotton candy, then the next game I just listened to jazz in my headphones for three hours and stared at the scoreboard.”

Added Caldwell, “Things tend to work themselves out regardless of what I do.”

Coach Jim Bob Cooter, who was promoted to Offensive Coordinator just last week, said he has no idea why players would want a closed-door ice-cream social.

“It sends a message to the coaches, that’s for sure,” said Cooter on Wednesday after learning about the ice-cream social. “There’s not many things Jim Bob understands in life, but one thing Jim Bob does understand is that you always share ice cream with Jim Bob.”

Lions teammates stressed the improvised event was focused on player-bonding, but it’s hard to deny the coincidence of overlapping with today’s changes.

“I put ice cream in my tummy,” said Matthew Stafford, currently in his seventh year as starting quarterback and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.