What A Month... I t's been a tough month... I went on a 2 week vacation at the beginning of the month and had a hard time there. I was struggling the whole time and for 3 days restricted. Not that much restriction, though, just enough to give me reflux, dizziness, and headaches. I decided I would stop the day of my mum's friend's birthday party. BIG MISTAKE! I was so dizzy at the party, I spilled 2 drinks and was also coughing from my sore throat caused by reflux. When I got back, I was doing well but then attempted suicide by asphyxiation and was dizzy following that. However, I went to the gym anyway (combination of Ana and Mum forcing me to). And then, my therapy/counseling session got postponed a week. Also, I cut myself, once on my wrist and on my leg, two days ago. I don't know why, but I just have to see blood when I do that. I don't even know how I will make it until this Friday(therapy/counseling session.) Reason not to Relapse #3 Normal appearance: Ana appearance: Memories I was just looking at some old photographs from my childhood... all the memories flooded to me. And some of them are a lot more painful with hindsight and recent events.





First, my 3 year old photographs... being pushed around, bossed over, teased by the other children... being told that ants would eat my dolls and getting laughed at when I said it was scientifically impossible... called "picky" when I refused to use bathrooms that didn't have doors... teased for being lactose intolerant(it went away by 2nd grade)... yelled at by the teacher for making a butterfly family (correctly identifying their developmental stage!) instead of putting them in order, while the boys at the other table had a mock gunfight scot-free... scratching myself when I felt bad or bored in class(harsh in hindsight o_o)





My 5 year old photographs... being beaten, criticized and insulted at home... getting sent home early for chasing, name-calling and criticizing the other kids... wanting to control everything... being forced to socialize when everybody else was too mean, too sloppy, too ignorant (except my friend and neighbour, Katharine)... making "interesting" storylines for Barbie doll play, including infanticide , child abuse, abduction, divorce, murder, robbery, torture, dictatorship, arranged marriages, genocide, parents slaughtering their own children, cannibalism,the death penalty, and even suicide(very harsh in context with rest of life)... an annoying guest of my father's making passes at my mum (he was married) and randomly walking in my room(more on that in a later post) and his wife pinching me inappropriately.





My 8 year old photographs... oh I was adorable... but back then all I saw was fat... being told I was "pudgy"... hating my body... shunned by the other kids... having to skip a meal/share food/eat less for religious or food availability (at parties or picnics) reasons, and thinking "It's okay, I don't deserve food anyway because I'm fat"(harsh in hindsight)... my father giving me nail-polish remover(poisonous) or knives when I threatened suicide and saying "Go ahead, you don't have the guts anyway"





My 10 year old photographs... starting to cut myself... getting weighed in the nurse's office and she said "4'10'' and 100 lbs. (In a 'you're a healthy girl' way)." but to me it sounded like "Lose some weight fatty"... going to buy clothes in Bombay(mother's hometown) and not fitting into a size 10(but in my defense they are meant for shorter people, I'm 13 and 4 inches taller than the size 14 measurements) and the saleswoman said "In India the girls are very thin" (never buying from that store again)





And finally, my early 7th grade picture, at 5' 2'' and 93 lbs. I thought I was FAT then, but now I see the picture and see a worsening complexion, thinning, dull hair, my dress from 5th grade looking horrible on me, and the sadness in my eyes... sadness from sitting alone in the library reading diet books and looking at Vogue (for thinspo) while my peers were having fun, socialising, eating lunch... sadness from a Halloween with no candy, a Halloween where the main thought was "this costume is unflattering for my huge protruding belly"(now I look at the photo and think "unflattering for my very slightly protruding ribcage and ugly stegosaurus spine"

Book Recommendation I have read the book Fairest by Gail Carson Levine. It is really helpful. If there is such a thing as an anti-trigger, this is it. actually was considering a relapse, when I read this book. When I was done, I actually ate a full meal without guilt!





The book is set in a fairytale universe and centres on a girl, Aza, who considers herself ugly and risks her life to be beautiful (sound familiar?), but eventually accepts herself. Awkward Moment #6 Mathilda(friend): I need to go.

Me: okay. I'll go jump off a bridge now! *laughs*

Mathilda: LOL I'll go rob a bank. *laughs*

Me: The bridge is calling! *laughs*

Random Guy: Are you suicidal today?

Me(outwardly): no... *poker face*

Me(inwardly): HAHAHAHA Just today? HAHAHAHAHAAHAH AHAHAHAHHAHHAHA I Am A Meme I made the "Easter Lily" doll on DollDivine look like me, and took a screencap. I made a meme of myself. Here's the sad/angry/upset version. Rage Memes Sometimes I make a Scumbag Steve meme of people who annoy me... http://memegenerator.co/Scumbag-Steve/caption



Or a Scumbag Brain Meme for stupid things I do

http://memegenerator.co/Scumbag-Brain/captio n

Why don't you make one and post it in a comment?



"Perfect"...ly Parallel My father showed me the music video for P!nk's Perfect. I was just enjoying it at first, but after a few seconds I noticed some parallels. Here we go.... The video:

A little girl gets her teddy bear stolen by another kid. She starts to fight the other kid to retrieve the bear. Her mum only sees the girl fighting and not the kid stealing, so the girl is punished while the other kid gets off scot-free. My life:

I got in a lot of trouble from kindergarten to fourth grade for fighting and chasing around other kids. However, in my defence, I didn't know better. For example, I got hit at home if I yelled at parents or refused to share. I thought that was okay to do. So I chased around the other kids and yelled at them. The video:

The girl is now older and dressing in unusual fashions (not inappropriate ones). Her mum forces her to dress like the other girls. My life:

I used to wear a lot of retro-inspired styles, and had some creative ideas (using a scarf as a sash, headscarf, etc.) However, the fashions were unpopular. My mum would berate me for wearing them, even grounding me for wearing a hat to school (even though it was compliant with the dress code). Now she's more lenient and I wear what I want.



The video:

The same girl is getting an F in class. My life:

I was not doing well in school in 7th grade, but that was only because I had a nutritional deficiency caused by starving myself. The video:

The girl is now jealous of thinner girls. Later, she is weighing herself and feeling fat, even though she is underweight. She then cuts herself and attempts suicide. My life:

I started feeling suicidal in 4th grade and cutting myself in 5th grade. I am trying to quit now. When I was in 6th grade, the boy I had a crush on started a fake fund called "Lap Band for Luna" (a Lap Band is a weight loss product used for extreme obesity). I became jealous of the thinner girls, and turned to pro ana to fill the emptiness and get thinner. I ended up having a waist measurement that would be slightly too thin for someone 4 feet tall (I was 5'2 then and 5'4 now). I still felt fat, even though I was underweight. The video:

The girl is now restored to a healthy weight. She is a successful artist. She is happily married and has a daughter. My life:

I quit the site after 6 months of being on the pro ana diet. I am now restored to a healthy weight, which is a GOOD THING (but I can't help feeling depressed about it). My bald spot is even gone! I am focusing on becoming a fashion designer and hope to own a boutique when I grow up. I hope I get to be married with kids when I grow up...



The video:

She is very caring and protective of her daughter, and gives her the teddy bear that was stolen in the kindergarten scene. My life:

I am now kind of protective of younger children, especially my younger brother. I will not let anybody insult kids' appearance, hit them, or stifle their clothing choices. Yay!!!! The Royal Baby Was Born!!!! Day late announcement I know.... The Top Nine Annoyances 1. Parents who stand outside my room blasting pro-recovery songs because they think it will "cure" relapse. 2. When I have to take my measurements so I can make myself a dress, and I get triggered. 3. When people think I can "just snap out of it". 4. When I plan an outing with friends/ family that involves food, and get nervous about calories before going. 5. When I'm washing my hair and a little bit comes out and I get paranoid, like, "Oh, no, not again!!!!!" 6. Little brothers who don't understand the consequences and just call me fat "for laughs" 7. When my favourite dessert is a fear food. 8. When I am actually not hungry and parents think I am dieting again. 9. When people think hugs will make me all better. <<Previous

Author My name is Luna Rajani. I love the moon, stars, night-time and the ocean. My occupation is student and my career goal is fashion designer. My favourite bird is the raven, because they are dark, mysterious, and helpful to people. Archives No Archives Categories All

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