It took me a long time to realize this, but the kiruv system pulls some really sophisticated mindfucks while trying to convince people about the “truth” of religion.

They will basically play both sides of an idea – contradicting themselves but making some convincing arguments in the process. Until you realize that they just got done using the exact opposite logic to make a different point a few minutes ago.

Here are some of my favorites:

Science is dumb and inaccurate, and is influenced by popular agendas”

Also,

This famous scientist agrees with our point, so it must be true”

Christians and Muslims are dumb and mislead, everything they say is bullshit”

Also,

Even Christians and Muslims agree about the veracity of the Torah, so it must be true

You can’t just follow the mindless masses. A bunch of zeros can’t add up to 1.

Also,

Wanna know what the best-selling book of all time is? The Bible.

Look at how immoral everybody else is. Reading the news makes our eyes cry and our heart ache. It makes you That’s why you need Torah as a moral guide.

Also,

Oh, that terrible law that’s in the Torah? That’s actually moral because God said so.

Look how happy the Torah makes us. You too can be happy if only you’d follow it!

Also,

Oh, that unhappy person keeping the Torah? That law that makes you unhappy? The Torah is not supposed to make you happy. It’s just the truth.

Don’t use emotions to arrive at ‘truth’; use the calculating logic of your mind.

Also,

Now that you’ve arrived at truth, please suspend your own logic and just do what you’re told.

Other nation’s folklore is bullshit, just a bunch fairy tales spun around campfires.

Also,

The epic of Gilgamesh proves Noah’s flood happened, and they actually found hieroglyphics in Egypt that allude to the plagues!

What other religion speaks so openly about the flaws of its leaders?

Also,

Well, actually, the Talmud explains that King David’s sin really wasn’t so bad.

The Torah holds truth for every generation.

Also,

Our generation is very distant from truth and is therefore misguided.

Got your own favorite oxymoron? Post it in the comments. Who knows, maybe you’ll even make someone frum in the process.