HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney set a new personal record tonight by pretending to care about average Americans for nearly ninety minutes.

Mr. Romney began the second Presidential debate by simulating concern for a college student named Jeremy’s employment future and maintained a consistent level of feigned concern on a variety of subjects for the remainder of the night.

“It was an awesome display of stamina,” said Mr. Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan, who watched Mr. Romney pretending to be empathic from a shelter in Virginia, where Mr. Ryan was pretending to feed a homeless orphan.

Mr. Romney’s new empathy record surpasses his previous mark, set seven days ago at a rally in Sidney, Ohio, where he pretended to give a shit about his audience for nearly an hour.

Tonight’s display of bogus sensitivity made a big impression on a post-debate focus group, as a majority of participants agreed with the statement, “Mitt Romney has the facial expressions of someone who cares about me.”

Moments after the debate, Mr. Romney pronounced himself “thoroughly drained” by the forced display of humanity.

“This empathy stuff is exhausting,” he told reporters. “On Day One, it’s going to stop.”

Throughout the evening, Mr. Romney traded barbs with President Obama, the first black person he has talked to since his speech at the N.A.A.C.P.

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Saul Loeb/Getty.