The impulse is to open with something like, "Friends, Texans, countrymen (yes, Texas is a country), lend me your ears."

But then I would be charged with coming here to bury the Texans, not praise them.

A burial would be easy and necessary. This team, one that ended the 2013 season with 14 straight losses - six more than any other NFL team lost in a row this year - has long been pulse-free.

Even CPR - Case (Keenum) pulmonary resuscitation - produced only a temporary and delusional heartbeat for a squad that showed little life after Yom Kippur.

But let's not overlook the much-warranted praise.

Now that the 12 teams in this year's NFL playoff tournament have been determined, you can hold your head high, Houston: The future is bright.

Perhaps not so bright that Bob McNair needs to close the roof at Reliant so fans need not wear shades, but still bright.

The Texans are closer to making it to the Super Bowl now than they were at the beginning of the season.

Huh?

You didn't think they were going to get there with Gary Kubiak as the head coach and Matt Schaub as the quarterback, did you?

It took a lot of hard work, an exemplary effort in a Bizarro World kind of way, for the Texans to finish with the league's worst record and ensure the jettisoning of Kubiak and Schaub.

Luck aside, no big edge

The Texans are the most talented team in the AFC South, one of the NFL's weakest divisions. The only significant advantage division winner Indianapolis has on the Texans is that its quarterback, Andrew Luck, is a better player than Schaub, Keenum, T.J. Yates, and every other quarterback the Texans have ever had.

Not to mention Luck has a better beard than all of them. Nice try, though, Schaub.

Losing the division to the Colts wasn't easy. Finishing last behind Tennessee and Jacksonville is downright parade-worthy.

Think about it. In one record-setting swoon, the Texans got Kubiak fired, Schaub almost certainly released, and the No. 1 overall draft pick secured.

Oh, and next year they will have a last-place schedule. They drop Denver and New England and pick up Oakland and Buffalo.

My goodness. Great job, Texans.

To lose seven straight road games and seven straight home games in a season is a notable accomplishment. Only two NFL teams - Detroit in 2008 and Carolina in 2001 - have done worse. Er, I mean better.

To go down nine times by less than a touchdown took some work. A TD here or there could have meant a victory here or there, thus ruining the streak.

Forty times the Texans took the ball in the second half needing a touchdown to tie or take the lead, and only twice did they mess up and find the end zone. Those two times came against Tom Brady and the Patriots, so the risk of actually winning was slim. Tricky.

Now the job is to bounce back in grand fashion to prove the 2-14 record was a fluke.

Can it be done? Oh, yeah.

Routine occurrence

Every season since the Texans joined the NFL in 2002, creating a new division alignment, at least one NFL team has finished in last place one season and in first place the next.

A worst-to-first move next season by the Texans isn't an outlandish idea. In fact, it should be expected.

Anything less than a return to the playoffs, and the new head coach (which is looking like Penn State's Bill O'Brien) and the new quarterback (be he veteran or rookie) will have underachieved.

The evil teams do lives after them, while the good is oft interred in their broken bones.

This season, the Texans had as many top-tier players on the shelf with injuries as any team in the NFL. Yet with competent quarterback play, they would have been a playoff contender.

San Diego, one of the two lousy teams the Texans did beat, squeezed into the playoffs with a 9-7 record. There isn't a general manager in the NFL, not even San Diego's, who would take the Chargers' roster over that of the Texans.

It took a lot of bad coaching, a lot of bad quarterbacking and a lot of bad luck for the Texans to finish with only two wins.

That won't happen next season.

You can't buy luck, or Luck, but a new head coach and a new quarterback are a solid down payment on a quick turnaround.

Remember that a year from now.

Listen to "The Rush" with Jerome Solomon and Dave Tepper weekdays from noon-2 p.m. on ESPN 97.5 FM.