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A compliment that’s not sincere

Kids have a good BS detector, and know when you aren’t really interested in or proud of what they’re up to. “Children can easily recognize when we are disappointed in them, or when our praise is faint, insincere, or worse, sarcastic,” Dr. Donahue says. “One of the most important things children desire is for their parents to be genuine with them in their affection, in their support, and in their constructive criticism.” For example, if your child sang horribly off-key in the talent show, you might say, “I am proud of how brave you were to get up in front of everyone—and you remembered all the words!” A recent study from South Korea showed that children’s perceptions of overpraising (as well as under-praising) predicted poorer school performance and higher depression than praise that reflected reality. “The goal is to make the praise meaningful, and show children what traits and attributes we value, such as hard work, being helpful, and being kind,” Dr. Brown says. “Parents should not think of praise as a way to build self-esteem, because it doesn’t. Instead, praise can be a way to reinforce the specific attributes we want to foster in our children that will help them be more successful adults.” Next, make sure you know that these are the worst things you can say to your kids–and avoid saying them at all costs.

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