WASHINGTON, D.C. – The international community was left reeling as the United States announced it was pulling its diplomatic mission out of Berlin after President Trump was informed that, like the Kurds, Germany had not helped the Allies during World War II.

“New information has recently been uncovered about World War II in a very, very powerful article in The Scholastic Book of World History,” Trump told reporters. “Not only did the Kurds not help with the landings at Normandy, but neither did the Germans. Nobody knew that before.”

Trump went on to say, “I don’t see why America should trade or make treaties with a country that didn’t have our back in 1944, or in other battles like Gettysburg or Iwo Jima or Endor. In the Battle of Trenton against the Hessians, where were the Germans? Nowhere.”

A directive was issued by the State Department confirming that from here forward trade and military cooperation would only be with countries that fought with the Allied forces – like the Soviet Union, Yugoslavia, and China. In addition, future conflicts would no longer take place on battlefields whose names Americans can’t pronounce and in wars that are too confusing.

“We will only get involved in simple wars,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “For example, nothing is simpler than a civil war, and I think we should all brace ourselves for one of those.”

At press time, the Kurds were kicking themselves for choosing to fight on the front line of a U.S.-backed campaign against bloodthirsty terrorists instead of on Omaha Beach 75 years ago.