zktheman:

(This message will repeat a few times while I sleep.)

I’m beginning to realize what a sad, scared, jealous, envious, angry, dumb, unworthy little man I am.

It’s a problem I’m not entirely unfamiliar with. Back when I was in high school, just starting out as an artist, I’d see some piece of art from some other person, and instead of being appreciative of that art as I know I should, I’d start getting envious. I’d start to hate them, feel like they were laughing at me, mocking my lackingness with this display of their great skills.

It was a phenomenon I came to call the Shadowy Stairway. I likened it to being a lowly mortal ascending a great stairway to become a radiant god, but finding that the gods above were laughing at me, that my arms and legs were chained to weights, that great shadowy monsters harried me as I climbed step by step. It filled me with bile. I hated it.

It’s been three years since those days. I thought I had left it behind. Nope. It’s still around, and it’s become something bigger than that simple stairway to the heavens I’d been on so long ago.

Now it is a proof. The proof that shows how fundamentally undeserving I am of everything I have - even my continued existence.

I have long considered someone’s worth to be in what mark they leave on other people. Other sapient beings are the only things that will judge any given person, that will stand as proof that one exists, has existed, and will continue to exist through their memories. If we accept this, then it naturally follows that how one has impacted other people is the worth of any given person. If one has been a friend to someone, helped them, given them their support, helped them improve, or made them happy, they have done something good, and their worth has increased; if one has been an enemy to someone, hindered them, harmed them, stopped their growth, or made them sad, they have done something bad, and their worth has decreased.

Nowadays, I am having a hard time thinking of who I have left a mark on. Sure, I had friends I could meet in person - back in high school, and they’ve all gone to different colleges. I have friends online - but how have I impacted them, aside from pushing an occasional bit of code to a Git repository every once in a while, and complimenting them on their own art? There’s always my family - but how have I helped them in any way recently? As far as they’re concerned, I’m simply around.

And then I sit down, and I watch YouTube or something, and I’ll be listening to, say, some of insaneintherain’s jazz covers, and I’ll think to myself, look, there’s someone who’s left a mark on people. Look at that, fifty thousand views, six thousand likes, five hundred comments. And out of those instruments flows such beautiful music! And he is surrounded by such skilled individuals, who’re all helping him make that! And I hate him. Goddamnit, why haven’t I gotten any of that? Am I worth that little to the world?

He didn’t do shit to make me feel this way. Carlos doesn’t even know I exist. That’s the problem, isn’t it? Few people even do.

And it’s not just limited to him, either. I see anyone doing anything impressive, EVEN MY OWN FRIENDS, who’ve done nothing to deserve my ire, and the bile just starts rising in my throat. I get ridiculously envious, and ridiculously jealous. The Shadowy Stairway appears in my mind, fresh from my younger days, still there, still so goddamned monolithic - and the gods still laugh at me, and I still hate.

I, by my own reasoning, have astoundingly little worth. What is there for the worthless?

Tell you what’s there. Nothing. That’s the problem.

If I am little worth, it follows naturally that I am simply not worth it. It has always seemed to me that everyone has worth - except for me. That I, specifically, have to earn it, and if I can’t, I do not deserve it.

And if I do not deserve it, I’m not worth it.

I am not worth even my continued existence.

If I simply ceased existing, how much would change? How many people would be impacted - and how much? If what I have reasoned is true, very little. Because we have reasoned that one’s worth is one’s impact on others, and that I have very little worth, it follows that I have very little impact on others - and if I stopped existing, that in and of itself would have little impact on others.

This doesn’t imply that I want to stop. Not on your life! For as long as I have lived, I have wanted to prove myself to others, and that can’t happen if I’m dead. So before you start referring me to the Suicide Crisis Hotline, no, I’m not suicidal, and I won’t be.

The problem remains. How do I increase my impact on others? Well, why don’t I just use my skills and do something about it?

Here’s the thing. I want to! I really do. But I find that, whenever I try to, I can’t. Whenever I draw, I show only a select few; whenever I code, even fewer see that!

Why?

Simple.

I am AFRAID.

Because there is one thing that is worse than being worthless - having NEGATIVE worth. And that happens if I adversely impact someone.

So when I draw something, and go to post it, I am stopped - because I am afraid that no one will like it.

No, worse - that people will dislike it. If they dislike it, I’ve soured their day with something they dislike. Something that is not worth their time, something that has adversely impacted them. And that reduces my worth.

You know, I told my followers that I’d restart my old Undertale-Jojo crossover comic at the beginning of the year.

It’s almost halfway through the goddamned month and I have NOTHING TO SHOW. Do you know why? I told myself, “Oh, no, GDQ’s on, I can’t concentrate with the speedruns happening, I’m such a distracted bastard.” NAW, BITCH, IT’S CAUSE YOU’RE AFRAID. YOU’RE AFRAID OF PISSING PEOPLE OFF, THAT’S THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE NOT WORKING ON IT, ME, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING S C A R E D .

I hate this fear.

So goddamned much.

It’s eating at me.

It’s stunting me.

It’s stopping me.

It’s driving me insane.

It wouldn’t even let me vent online, or even to my friends and family. You know why? Because that harms them, because they now have to worry about me in addition to their own selves. I harm them by sharing my feelings - and, thus, I gain negative worth!

And so, I am kept in a cycle. I have no worth. The only way to increase my worth is to impact others. But I may impact them negatively. So I do not attempt to impact others. But that leaves me with no worth. So I must attempt to impact others. But I may impact them negatively. So I do not attempt to impact others. But that leaves me with no worth. So I must attempt to impact others. But I may impact them negatively. So I do not attempt to impact others. But that leaves me with no worth. So I must attempt to impact others. But I -

… you get the picture, right?

And the fear, leads to the anger. And the fear, leads to the jealousy. And the fear, leads to the envy. And all of this makes me -

… dare I say suffer?

When I was starting Souldust, I didn’t feel this way. Back then, I told myself, I don’t care if no one likes it, or if someone even dislikes it, I have nothing to lose! I need to prove to myself that my dreams can become true, and I can’t be stopped by petty things like that!

And I couldn’t even draw back then!

Look at that! That was three and a half years ago. Look at me now!

But I was so much more fearless when I was bad. Back when I was worse! Because I had nothing to lose back then. Now, the fear is all I have.

And so, the cycle continues. I am too afraid to get off my dumb ass and do anything - which just makes me more worthless.

It needs to end.

And that, I think, is why I’m writing this. To put something out, and begin my road towards defeating this fear. If I put this out here, and disregard my fear of adversely affecting someone else, I will hopefully be able to work towards being active again, being proud of myself again, and being worth it again.

Hopefully. I don’t know for sure. For now, I remain worthless - but I have to change that, else risk never being worth it.

I need help with that, I think.

Those of you out there that have somehow made it this far - have you felt this? If so, do you have any advice for me, as I set out to accomplish this? I would appreciate this more than you could ever know.