Thursday, March 20

Dear Diary,

It’s that time of the year. I’ve been dreading it. Spring break starts tomorrow for Chelsea, and it’s a tough time for her old man. She’s a freshman in college now. 18 years old already! She’s growing up so fast. I know she’s an adult now, but she’ll always be my little girl. She’s such an honorable young lady, thankfully. I’m so proud of her, however I know how spring break can be. I was young once!

These kids are going to be drinking. I know she’s underage, but this is college and I’m not naïve. Beers are so easy to come by. I’m just so thankful she’s responsible.

I started following her on this website called Twitter. It’s pretty cool. I get to basically follow her around on her trip. It’s almost like I’ll be there with her!

Chels is going to Panama City Beach, Florida. Sounds like fun. I hope the weather is nice!

Friday, March 21

Dear Diary,

Chels just got to Panama City Beach. She texted me when she landed. So responsible, like I said. I’m very happy she made it there safely. Now the fun begins!

Oh man, I’m not sure what that pound sign means or what “white girl wasted” is, but I wish she’d at least wait to get to the hotel before she has a drink. Please be smart, Chels.

I guess she made it to the hotel safely…

Saturday, March 22

Dear Diary,

I’m starting to worry about Chelsea. She hasn’t checked in with me since she arrived at the beach. That’s not like her. She could be injured, or arrested, or worse! I also made the mistake of checking her emergency credit card bill. She went to two bars last night and spent $78 at the hotel bar. I’m pretty certain those don’t qualify as emergencies, Chelsea. And it looks like she took a late night dip in the hotel pool. Or maybe the ocean. Fuck if I know.

Drinking at early hours in the morning while swimming. I taught her better than that. It’s an accident waiting to happen.

I have no idea who Dan Frockington is, but I will hold his head under water in front of thousands of college students watching from the beach. They will look on in horror as he struggles to find the surface for air, arms flailing, water splashing all around. He will not come up.

Mr. and Mrs. Frockington should be ashamed.

Sunday, March 23

Dear Diary,

I really want to murder this little Frockington fucker. What a terrible influence on Chels. He’s constantly coercing her to engage in inappropriate activities. She’s only 18, you savage!

Little fucking pervert. I can’t find the little bastard’s name in the college directory. Might be an alias. He better hope I don’t find his parents’ number. They won’t be happy once I tell them what their little pile of fuck is up to right now. If I was there when he tried to spray Chels’s top down with water, I’d take the Super Soaker water gun from him, pump it until my arms cramped up, then I’d shoot him point blank in the eyeballs and hopefully ruin his eyesight for the rest of life. That’ll show him not to look at my daughter’s breasts.

Thank God Chelsea has more respect for herself than that.

That’s my girl.

Monday, March 24

Dear Diary,

Motherfucker!!!

Dan Fuckington, you little shit. You’re as good as dead. DEAD! I’m following you on Twitter now, Frockington. Call me Jack Burns, because I’m watching you. You’re in my world now, asshole.

Calm down, Gary. Just calm down. You can’t murder a 20-year-old kid over this. Chelsea is an adult now. She’s capable of making her own decisions, and of course, her own mistakes. She’s solely responsible. Just chill, big guy. Everything is going to be okay. Remember, it’s spring break. She’s in college. This is the time to get the mistakes out of the way. Serenity now. She’ll learn from this.

Chelsea really is a fantastic young lady. We raised her right. She’s just getting it out of her system, and this is only a product of the environment. Lol, I bet all the kids there are acting crazy like Chels. I’m still so proud of her. Such an angel.

Okay, I feel better. Tomorrow is a new day. And Chels only has one more day in Panama City Beach. My baby girl will be home soon!

Tuesday, March 25

Dear Diary,

I just bought a plane ticket to Panama City Beach. Dan Frockington is a fucking dead man..