George Segal’s “Woman on park bench” sculpture

Dear men:

“Because I don’t like it” IS a reason. In fact, it’s reason enough for someone to refuse something (anything) that they dislike, to demand cessation of a behavior that is impacting them, to call for reform, to change the world. When it comes to unwanted behaviors that are directed toward women, it is all the reason that needs to exist. It is a symptom of misogyny, of the underlying belief that women are less-than-human, that “because I don’t like it” is so often brushed aside, dismissed, that further reasons are so often demanded to justify something as simple as, say, not wanting to be sexually harassed. Not wanting to be catcalled, or groped, or messaged persistently by strange men (yes, that is sexual harassment. No, it is not “just being friendly”).

A common attempted-justification of sexual harassment, particularly the kind where a man approaches a woman he does not know in order to initiate an interaction he hopes will end in sexual contact, is that it’s “natural”. “It’s natural for men to want to approach women for sex”, goes the rationale, “therefore there should be no restrictions on us doing so.” (“Are you saying it’s wrong to say hi to a woman in public?” is usually the follow up to this justification, as if we are unreasonably seeking to ban all small talk and polite conversation from the public domain.)

Here is the thing; it is also natural for us to want to feel safe. It’s natural for us to want to control our own bodies. It’s natural for us to want to have our wishes regarding the interactions we take part in respected. More, it’s our fundamental right to control our bodies and the interactions we participate in. Your “natural want” does not override my “natural want”, when your “natural want” involves me. My desire to be left alone because I don’t want to be hit on DOES override your desire to hit on me, and that’s the bottom line.

Another attempted-justification that is so common as to live squarely in the realm of cliche is “But some women do like it”. Well, great… and some men like to be peed on. Does that give me carte blanche to go around throwing jars of urine on men in public? You cool with this? No? I didn’t think so. The fact that some women like to be hit on by strangers while they’re going about their business is not a justification for scattershot-hitting-on-women in public. The fact that some (many, most) women do not like it at all is a good reason not to. It’s a valid reason. In fact, it’s a very strong, watertight reason.

Likewise with messaging women on social media. You know, there are entire, wildly popular websites that exist solely for the purpose of making sexual and romantic connections with other people. They are called “dating websites”. Before sending a message to a woman in the hopes of initiating a sexual interaction, look at the website you’re on, and ask yourself, “Is this a dating website?” If the answer is no, do not send the message. Why? Because most women don’t like being messaged by strange men looking for sex, and if they do like it, they know where to go to find those interactions. And so do you, so don’t pretend that you don’t. I’m not fooled.

Nobody is fooled. When you ask “Why, though? Why shouldn’t I hit on strange women anywhere I feel like? Why won’t you go out with me? Why won’t you have sex with me? Why won’t you send me nudes? Why shouldn’t I catcall? Why won’t you engage in sexual banter with me?” we know, we ALL know, yourself included, that you know why. Refusing to listen is not the same thing as not being told. “Because I don’t like it” is all the reason we need, and it’s all the reason you need, too.