Show caption Fraser Harvey, the self-declared favourite customer of the Sensory Lab coffee shop on Collins Street, Melbourne. Photograph: Twitter Melbourne Great Australian cafe war ends with ‘insanely painful’ coffee cup tattoo When Fraser Harvey crowned himself his local coffee shop’s No 1 customer he thought he had no competition. He was wrong Naaman Zhou @naamanzhou Sat 24 Aug 2019 00.34 BST Share on Facebook

Share on Twitter

Share via Email 1 year old

It all started on Monday when Fraser Harvey walked into his local cafe in Melbourne’s city centre.

To mark his constant visits to the Sensory Lab outlet on Collins Street, he put up a small poster that crowned him as its favourite customer.

The cafe near work doesn’t have a loyalty program so I made one for them pic.twitter.com/ozP961hFpi — Toast of the WWWeb (@CondimentWords) August 19, 2019

But what began as a fairly uncontroversial, albeit quirky, statement soon became a quest, then an obsession, which has so far involved a projector, bespoke loyalty cards, custom uniforms – and after new developments late on Friday afternoon, a permanent tattoo.

Two hours after Harvey put up his picture, he returned to find someone had usurped him. A framed certificate claimed an anonymous rival was “Customer of the week (Every week)”.

I go back in and am confronted by this horseshit. Another customer has tried to one up me. They’ve just made a very unpowerful enemy. pic.twitter.com/WZ2Xkw377M — Toast of the WWWeb (@CondimentWords) August 19, 2019

It was just the first of many shocks for Harvey, in what has become a week-long battle with an unstoppable foe who refuses to give up.

In an escalating series of antics, Harvey returned with his own frame – an even bigger one.

I’ve just presented them with a much, much larger certificate pic.twitter.com/kWFdl88ZLZ — Toast of the WWWeb (@CondimentWords) August 19, 2019

But then his tormenter-in-chief obtained equipment to project her face over the entire store.

I’m absolutely furious pic.twitter.com/bbYqLPMf6M — Toast of the WWWeb (@CondimentWords) August 19, 2019

On Thursday Harvey told Guardian Australia he had finally put a stop to the madness – by printing cards for the Fraser Harvey Memorial Coffee Loyalty Programme, and crafting shirts for the staff with his face on them.

Great news! The new staff uniforms have arrived! pic.twitter.com/mqrD881nTs — Toast of the WWWeb (@CondimentWords) August 22, 2019

The Melbourne resident declared victory and said he hoped this brought an end to the shenanigans.

“I think that I can speak on behalf of the staff too when I say that I am certainly No 1 now,” he said.

“A lot of people are asking me why it’s a memorial program when I’m still alive. It’s gravitas. Really commands the respect of the other customers.”

The saga has delighted onlookers – both in person and online – but Harvey said he still knew nothing about his rival. “We have never met, but I’m sure it would be incredibly thrilling for her to meet Sensory Lab’s No 1 customer,” he said.

But on Friday Fraser’s foe unveiled her masterstroke – a permanent tattoo of a Sensory Lab coffee cup.

Revealing her identity as Harriet Noall – an urban planner who works above the cafe – she told Guardian Australia she was now clearly the cafe’s favourite customer.

The founder of Sensory Lab, Salvatore Malatesta, said that in his 25 years in hospitality, the rivalry was “the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen” – and no hoax.

“When I first saw it, I thought it was two creative agencies setting each other up,” he told Guardian Australia. “Or I thought they must know each other, they work in the same office. But they’ve never met.”

Noall said she was just a coffee fan who worked above the shop.

“I go down there twice a day for a coffee. The staff are amazing, we have hung out outside of work before. It’s kind of like visiting friends.”

The urban planner agreed that she was competitive.

“I definitely thought I had won with the projector,” she said. “I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that he came back with the shirts and cards. I thought that might have been the end of it, but I had this overwhelming urge to one-up him once again.”

Noall hatched the plan on Thursday, and booked in an emergency session with a tattoo artist who was a friend of a Sensory Lab barista.

She described the 6cm tattoo on her ribs as “insanely painful”.

“It is absolutely real. It hurts. [Proof is in] the fact that my tattoo is bleeding profusely.”

Guardian Australia has obtained additional photo evidence that shows the tattoo bleeding. The tattooist, Myles Paten of Yokai City tattoo parlour, confirmed it was real.

Harvey has not yet responded to the Guardian’s request for comment on the tattoo but he did send a tweet that hinted at defeat.

I may have just lost. She’s upped the game. pic.twitter.com/tdZBsgrYKM — Toast of the WWWeb (@CondimentWords) August 23, 2019

Earlier, the Melburnian said he had been “hurt” when he walked into the cafe on Monday to see the visage of his antagonist projected on to the wall.

Malatesta was able to shed more light: “Customers were weirding the fuck out. Because she wheeled in that projector. She was there, you know, trying to get her face exactly where she wanted it. If only they’d filmed it. It’s like a Seinfeld episode.”

Despite the glossy finish of his cards and fine stitchwork of his shirts, Harvey said they had only taken 10 minutes to get made, and he was prepared to do more if required.

“I have measures in place should things escalate further,” he said on Thursday.

On Friday, Noall expressed the same sentiment, saying she would go as far as she needed “within the limits of my finances”.

“I’m not sure how he is possibly going to one-up that [tattoo] but I know that he is going to give it a go. I am waiting with bated breath.

“We’re just two competitive dickheads. We still haven’t met. So that’ll have to be on the cards.”

On Thursday, Harvey had said he had planned his next move “extensively”.

“When you are at the top you can’t just rest on your laurels, you’ve got to be vigilant all the time.