I am a Bi-Sexual man in my twenties who has, quite honestly, lived a charmed life compared to the average member of our community. When I came out in my teens I was accepted by both my strongly Christian family and my somewhat ignorant but good natured community.

I have never suffered from physical abuse or been assaulted, although I have faced plenty of prejudice and harsh opinions.

The most significantly defining moment of my life actually has nothing to do with realizing my own sexuality or dealing with it but is the innocuous event that first set me down the road of realizing the effect I was having on the people around me and believing I had a responsibility to do my best for them

The event in question was when I overheard a conversation between my girlfriend and one of my best friends when they didn’t realize I could hear them.

She was saying that while she loved me and loved that I was a strong person capable of great kindness and generosity sometimes I committed acts so mean that even she, not a girl known to spare a kind word if doing so would decrease her popularity at all, was taken aback. She said she would just laugh along with the group but that she honestly wondered about me and whether I was just working out some childhood trauma or something.

To which my friend replied: “Nope, that’s not what is happening at all, don’t you get it? Don’t you see? He is the eight hundred pound silverback in a jungle full of tiny monkeys. He just does whatever he wants to whoever he wants because who is going to stop him? If there is a bigger dick in this entire world I’ve never met him, let’s just be happy we are his friends, right?”

At which point they shared a laugh.

OUCH, MY FEELINGS.

Many people have mocked me throughout my life, some quite viciously, but it has very rarely hurt me. This did. It split my heart in half like a guillotine through a watermelon. The honest assessment of my friend was said in a tone of gentle teasing but the truth of it cut deep and made me realize something: Even those closest to me were, on some level, AFRAID OF ME AND APPALLED BY MY BEHAVIOR.

Suddenly a lifetime of “pranks” and bullying suddenly seemed a lot less satisfying and I, ridiculously enough considering I was in no way being actively ostracized, felt like an outsider. I learned an important truth that day that has seemed to hold true throughout much of human history: That it is only funny until it happens to you.

My life since that day has been a study of the intricate social interplays that happen between people and a self journey to discover my place in this world and what, if anything, I can do to make it better.

A lot of people have pointed out that this is a weirdly mundane event to have caused a person to do a 180 but to that I reply that I am simply not a person who ever makes the same mistake twice if I can help it. If I am being stupid the most helpful thing you can do is tell me about it and offer me a compelling reason why. I’m one of those rare people who will not only listen but adjust my thinking and behavior in response.