I am 25 years old and have suffered with undiagnosed mental health issues since I was 14 when I attempted my first suicide. I started self harming and was bullied horribly in school when my peers saw my scarred wrists, which ultimately made my depression worse.

Throughout the past 10 years, I have experienced abusive relationships, both mental and physical and have endured years of heartache, self harm and self sabotage. I officially thought I was a crazy person and have attempted suicide around 5 times to date. I never had a functional relationship with my biological father and have struggled with the lack of communication and parenting since my parents divorced when I was 3.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder early last year (2018) and it was a hard and emotionally painful truth to swallow.

I had a complete meltdown after my diagnosis and went on a self harm binge including punching myself in the face so badly I gave myself a black eye (it was a hard one to explain when I went to work the next day), one night I smashed a bottle over my head. I was regularly cutting myself too which I would cover with a tubular bandage. I also have Joint Hypermobility Syndrome so it was an easy cover story as I have bad wrist joints anyway.

(I take photos of the damage I cause to remind me of how bad things got to try and avoid recurring situations)

I got in such a state one night, that I attempted to take my life by driving my car into a pylon. And it still haunts me to this day. Every time I drive past it, I have flashbacks and all of the emotions I felt on that night comes hurtling back into my head and it hurts mentally and physically. I have to drive past it every day because it’s right by where I live.

That night I was taken to hospital and I had to have 11 stitches in my arm because I had cut myself so badly, and all because of some menial irrational issue I had that I can’t even remember what it was about.

This is how irrational an unpredictable this illness is. Most people who consider suicide or attempt it have a trigger that they know of, they know why they wanted to do it at that precise moment. But with BPD it can be on a whim, it can be an overreaction, something simple. I remember the mental health nurse making me feel as though she didn’t take my attempt seriously because I ‘didn’t leave a note’. That’s not how this illness works. Everything happens so fast. I can go into a rage and not realise what has happened until I have calmed down and it leaves you feeling completely shell shocked.

My mental pain is so bad that I don’t have time to sit and write a note, I am impatient (a common symptom) and want to do it NOW. Just because I didn’t ‘leave a note’ doesn’t mean I didn’t have every intention to end my life.

It’s scary to think that my head is so uncontrollable that I instantly resort to wanting to end it over someone saying something to me slightly off and me taking it and overanalysing it, and letting it take over my whole world to the point I want to hurt/attempt to end my life.

This is me on a good day, showered, dressed, makeup on. This girl is positive, she is motivated and happy. I don’t get to see this girl very often.

This is me 80% of the time. Feeling utterly hopeless, puffy from crying most of my day, unwashed and in my pyjamas because I didn’t have the energy or motivation for self care that day/week. This is my other side, or what I like to call my ‘Borderline Personality’ side.

I don’t like this person, in fact, I hate her. She ruins my goals and my aspirations she makes me hate my whole self and everything I stand for. She taunts me with things from the past and provokes me into harming myself and self sabotage.

I live with this emotional instability and pain all day everyday. The constant anxiety of literally everything. The fleeting suicidal thoughts. I can look around the room on a down day and make up scenarios in my head about objects I can use to hurt myself.

I’m constantly exhausted from thinking. That sounds ridiculous to a normal person, because they don’t see ‘thinking’ as something that can be physically draining, but for us, it is tiring. Is a constant battle against yourself, in your head, 24/7 365 days a year. If you were constantly arguing with someone day in day out, I’m sure you’d tire too.

Although my diagnosis was heartbreaking for me, it has finally given me an explanation for why I have mentally suffered so badly over the past 10 years. It is a bitter sweet feeling and one that has both given me closure but opened up a whole world of anxiety.

Mental health awareness is all around us, and finally the stigma is lifting, but it’s not a fleeting ‘phase’ for anyone who has ever suffered. It is a lifelong battle for anyone who suffers.

Thankfully there are therapies to help with BPD and there is hope, but it’s not an easy road and it’s not one that will ‘cure’ my illness.

I am who I am. People have come into my life and left it because of my BPD and my unintentional irrational behaviours toward people that I get close to.

There are some who can handle me and some who can’t. This is an exceptionally hard thing for me given the abandonment issues I have, but I am now learning that it is not me who isn’t the strong one, because what I emotionally endure day in day out makes me one of the strongest people you’ll ever meet.

I am not ashamed anymore. I’ve had people say to me to keep it quiet, hide my scars and hide the ‘crazy’, but my answer to that: NO

I will not be quiet, I will not pipe down, I will not hide who I really am. If you think I am attention seeking, then that is your own prerogative, but if I keep quiet then it is helping people forget the mental illnesses that affect so many others and the severity of their situation. Awareness and understanding is everything to us, that is all we ask for.

I hope that if you know someone who suffers from it too, or any mental illness for that case, then please, I ask that you show them kindness, compassion and empathy just as you would to those with a physical incurable illness, because if you stick around long enough, you’ll see that we are some of the best examples of human kind and we can be the most loyal, fun and best friends you will ever meet.

We are incredibly artistic, creative and empathetic people. Trust me, we are all worth the love we deserve.

And to those who are still around, thank you for being patient, thank you for being there for me, and thank you for being my reason to keep on going 💚

Even a kind word to a stranger could save a life.

Stay strong my fellow warriors. You are amazing!