Nadine Dorries to stop you masturbating

Nadine Dorries is to use her belief in a two thousand year-old fairy story to bring in legislation that could prevent you from masturbating, it has emerged.

Dorries told MPs that people need proper counselling before engaging in a act that might anger her favourite invisible sky fairy.

She said, “It’s all too easy to masturbate without the proper advice these days, and many masturbators fail to realise that every time you knock one out baby Jesus starts crying.”

“I want to ensure that each time someone thinks about masturbating they are forced to spend an hour talking it through with a middle-aged harridan who genuinely believes she will go to heaven if she can talk you out of it.”

Labour MP Frank Field supported the move, telling us, “We have no direct evidence that masturbation is harming anyone, but my priest seems to think it is and that’s good enough for me.”

Nadine Dorries’ Choice

Pro-choice organisations such as Spank Yourself Silly have spoken out against the move, insisting that religious beliefs should have no place in modern politics, or any influence over the legislative agenda.

Spokesperson Michael Williams told us, “It’s my body and I’ll play with it whenever I damn well please.”

“The only way Nadine Dorries is going to stop me masturbating is if she forces herself into my eye-line whilst I try and thumb one out.”

“And of course organised religion is against it – you stop a teenage boy from masturbating and it’s only a few hours before a 40 year-old priest starts looking attractive.”