Well, Xander’s gone now. He went back to Paris two days ago.

I had no idea my apartment would end up feeling so empty without him. No offense to Gucci or anything, of course —- he’ll always be my number one guy, but… It’s different now. Or at least, it feels that way. Ever since I dropped Xander off at the airport.

I really didn’t think saying goodbye was gonna be so hard. Especially since we’re supposed to see each other again so soon…

But it ended up just feeling so sad. And awkward as hell. We did one of those cringe-y, two-millisecond-long hugs where you pat the other person’s back. The kind you give that random second-cousin you haven’t seen since you were like four years old, when your parents are standing right there, so you HAVE to give them a hug, even though you kinda want to die. Do you know what I mean?

Our goodbye shouldn’t have been like that. He should have lifted me off my feet like he did when I picked him up at the airport. Or kissed me like he did the other night… But things are just too weird between us now.

And know what’s even worse? I’m not even sure I can explain WHY, but there was something that felt so final about the whole thing. It was like an ‘ending’ or something. It almost felt like I was saying goodbye to him for the last time. Like I’d lost him forever.

And after that last night he spent here, I just might have.

Why the hell couldn’t I just be honest with him? I wanted to tell him SO bad. I really wish I’d tried telling him why I pushed him away like that. I should’ve explained everything to him.

But I knew he wouldn’t understand, even though he totally should.

It’s so weird to me… His Mama’s been married TWICE, so you’d think he’d get it, right? He’s seen firsthand what a shit-show the whole marriage and relationship thing can be. And after what he went through with that psycho ex of his, you’d really think that would’ve been enough for him to learn his lesson, let alone everything he’s seen his Mama go through.

But he hasn’t. He’s been this sappy, hopeless romantic from the minute I met him (and don’t tell anybody I said this, but maybe that’s one of the things that made me like him so much in the first place).

Doesn’t he get it though? If you let yourself fall in love, you’re just asking for trouble. I mean sure, maybe you get lucky and you end up finding someone you can be kinda happy with… But if you do, that’s a total fluke. Like Onkel Tam would probably say, it’s like rolling a nat 20. Totally awesome and great when it happens, but you can’t count on it.

Even if you get with somebody and things start out great, nine times out of ten (or is it nineteen out of twenty?), SOMETHING will go wrong. Like I’ve always said, it’s a trap. And I just couldn’t let me and Xander fall for it.

I mean, let’s look at all the ways this could go down.

What if we got together, things were great for a while, then one of us turned out to be a total dickhead like that asshole Trent Ziegler? Or a psycho like Xander’s horrible ex girlfriend? I mean, I’d HOPE neither of us is that awful, but all this relationship garbage can do weird things to a person, so you never know!

Or what if we got together, things were great for a while, and neither of us was a psycho or a dickhead? Great, right? Except… what would happen when it was time for Xander to go back home? What would we do then?

Try the long distance thing until one of us just gives up and we both end up with our hearts broken? It would seriously kill me to have to go through something like that. And it would all be for nothing. A total waste.

Or maybe instead of long distance, one of us would move halfway across the world for the other person so we can be together… And then what? What if we start building a life together, and things STILL fall apart? And then one of us is basically stranded on the other side of the ocean from our friends and family for nothing?

Or worse… What if we stick together, but the person who moved really misses everything they left behind? And then they end up like, hating the other person? Resenting them (Which, by the way, is another way of saying “turning into my parents”…)

And honestly, that’s the option I’m most afraid of.

I just couldn’t let myself do it. Not to myself OR to him. I care about Xander way too much to ever put him through that kind of garbage.

See? And that right there is what makes this so hard. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve felt this way about a guy. When have I ever been so close to letting myself get trapped?

I guess maybe with that loser, Trent from when I was a kid.

Or with Mason, before I turned him down… but that feels so long ago now too.

And even then, I don’t know if it ever felt quite like THIS.

I mean yeah, okay — I’ve always thought Xander was hot. And I’ve always loved talking to him and watching his videos. But it’s so much more than that.

Ever since we first started talking back when we were kids, it’s just kinda felt like he GETS me, maybe even more than Zelda does. He knows how to make me feel better. He can always make me laugh, no matter what. Everything’s just… lighter when I’m talking to him (Does that even make any sense? I don’t even know anymore!)

The point is, he’s always meant a lot to me, and the thousands of kilometers between us never really seemed to matter.

But in the end, it turns out they did matter after all… Like, all those feelings or whatever that I had about Xander were never really something I could DO anything about, you know? It was all in my head. Like a fantasy, or something.

But it’s not a fantasy anymore. It’s real now. The moment Xander stepped off that plane, I was basically doomed. All the stuff that didn’t matter before suddenly DID. Because now I COULD do something about it.

Which unfortunately means I ended up spending three days essentially leading the poor guy on, then freaked the hell out when he finally made a move, and finally ended up on the receiving end of the most awkward goodbye in the history of the world.

Ugh.

Xander might have gotten on a plane to head back to Paris, but me? I ended up stuck on another one-way flight to Sucksville… And this time I’m the one who booked my own ticket.

And I’m not really sure there’s anybody who’ll be able to come and save me this time.

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Thank you all for your patience! Sorry for the super-long wait for this chapter (and sorry it’s not the most exciting chapter in the world either…) The next one should be longer (and more interesting! 😛 ) Hoping I’ll be able to get it out before my wedding (three weeks from Saturday OMG), or at least before I leave for my honeymoon!

As always, thank you so much and you guys are the best! ❤