So first off i just want to say whats up

to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog

over the past couple days

thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit

I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME

so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos

where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk

well I have wanted to do something with them for a while

but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking

is anyone good at animating stuff?

because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated

if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you

60/40

WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT

Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations

even though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guy

who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines

rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND

well this myth takes place earlier in his life

back when he still had all his intestines in his body

see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer

so her dad

FORGAL THE WILY

is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter

so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad

and hangs out for like ten minutes

to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING

like this dude is winning at JUMPING

and SWIMMING

and FISTS

and BAKING

and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit

if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well

I can’t have that

luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass

I have a plan

HEY CUCHULAINN

and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT

and in the process he wins at yelling

and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do

go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach

she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit

that will definitely murder you

and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you

and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homies

Laegaire Battle Winner

and Connall the Victorious

except both of them puss out almost immediately

and are like sorry dude gotta go uh

wash our beards

yes

which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames

by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES

but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal with

is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass

that can like impale your feet and give you aids

guys this is either some kind of magic

or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment

but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet

Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD

so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen

if it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it

but he just grabs those fuckers

and stuffs them down each others’ throats

basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder

murducken

you’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE

because then there is this bridge

it is the shittiest bridge ever

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT

THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES

IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE

THAT’S BASICALLY JUST

A SHITTY LADDER

but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge

and he is like no problem i can handle this

but it turns out nope

no he can’t handle this

he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure

until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS

and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE

I wish I could draw you a picture of this

because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place

and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok

i’ll train you

so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter

then she finishes training him

and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior

how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine

i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA

it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs

you should steal it

and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE

but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife

although honestly

i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends

because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife

I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough

so he rapes her

and then she gets pregnant

and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go

dammit what happened to my gae bulga

CUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude

so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible

which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name

or who his parents are

and then when he’s like 13 or whatever

Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad

so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place

and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you

but the kid can’t say

you know

BECAUSE OF MAGIC

so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION

and the kid still can’t say shit

and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS

OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT

ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU

so he does

but then it turns out he just killed his son

PRANKED

some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge

but i prefer to think of this

as a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the story

is sometimes actions have consequences

but that only matters

if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

THE END