Dear Chump Lady,

When asked my husband why he kept cheating, his reply was — he never thought he’d get caught.

What would have been a better response? This one isn’t comforting. Can you speak a little about what he could have done to show he’s sorry?

Thanks,

Anne

Dear Anne,

Wow. Such a short letter and so much wrong.

Can you speak a little about what he could have done to show he’s sorry?

Anne — it’s not your job to show him how to be sorry. Sure, I could write you a script, draw a 15-point diagram, create a multimedia presentation, complete with a rousing performance by the Solid Gold Sorry Dancers. Assemble a whole army of laser pointers and focus your cheater towards a Clue. Make empathy flash cards! Put him a room with a rabbi, yogi, Methodist, 8th grade principle, and knuckle-rapping nun until he repents. Pantomime human expressions of remorse. (Cue Sad Puppy Eyes, NOW!) Force him to write “I’m sorry I cheated” 100,000 times on a mile of chalkboards. Lock him in the stockades and hurl rotten cabbages at his head. Make him watch a TED Talk. Make him watch an Esther Perel TED Talk until he begs for rotten cabbages…

It would be pointless, Anne — his sorry is not your responsibility.

First clue — if you have to show him how to be sorry? HE’S NOT SORRY.

Second clue — if he’s not leading the Amazon/Google/3 a.m. dark hour of the soul quest on How To Be Sorry? HE’S NOT SORRY.

Third clue — he’s sorry he got caught? HE’S NOT SORRY.

When asked my husband why he kept cheating, his reply was — he never thought he’d get caught.

So, he underestimated you. And now he’s stopped cheating? NOT because he sees the error of his ways, or feels one bit sorry for lying to you, exposing you to STDs, endangering your home life, your finances, or your children’s intact home life — no, he’s stopped because he got BUSTED?

That means, he’ll just find a workaround to get right back to cheating, because in his mind the problem isn’t HIM, the problem is the TRUTH.

Pesky, annoying, buzz kill truth. He had a double life full of delicious cake, and you had to go ruin it with discovery.

You’re not comforted from this, because yeah, it’s not very comforting. It’s what Scooby Doo villains say. “And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” Is the Scooby Doo villain ever sorry, Anne? Does Shaggy ever say, “Gee guys, maybe Mr. Grimly is really sorry and never meant to scare us! Maybe we should ask ourselves what we did to make Mr. Grimly to don that zombie costume and frighten investors so he alone could have the mining rights to Haunted Mountain. Perhaps Mr. Grimly feels toxic shame and could be rehabilitated with our unconditional love?”

No, Anne! Mr. Grimly is carted off in chains and justice is served. No one wonders why Mr. Grimly isn’t sufficiently sorry. It’s OBVIOUS. He wanted to get away with his crime! But was thwarted by meddlesome kids.

Your husband wanted to get away with his crime. He’s sorry that you thwarted him.

I’m sorry he didn’t give you the apology and the sincerity that you desire. I’m sorry that it does not hurt him to hurt you. But really, Anne, his unvarnished assholery is a gift. You don’t want to waste your time in false reconciliation. You need to deal with the reality you were dealt — a guy who is A-okay cheating on you. You haven’t much to work with here. Giving him pointers on how better to manipulate you into a false sense of security (Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse) is only going to hurt you further and keep you toking the hopium pipe.

Can you speak a little about what he could have done to show he’s sorry?

Yes. He can demonstrate his regrets with a credit report (to show any hidden monies, P.O. boxes, credit cards, or debts) and a generous post-nup settlement. Go ahead and suggest that. If you get any push back? There’s the depth of his “sorry.”