Hello friend,

This is me, your friend Jera, previously known as Jeramy.

I am here to tell you my story and why I am who I am.

First though, lets get the big news out of the way.

I am starting my transition into womanhood.

I do not, nor have I ever felt at home in this meat suit of a body.

This dysphoria I have with my own body is so strong a few years ago that it manifested into something called Depersonalisation Disorder.

Basically I would get this experience where I would leave my own body and be walking around the streets in a 3rd person view; like something straight out of a video game. Weird right? Really freakked me out the first time it happened.

Anyway the point is that has completely disappeared since I came to terms with how I am feeling.

I also got quite an addiction to escapism. Literally anything to escape.

I would binge on alcohol every night, watch netflix and smoke dope until I would have the courage to maybe dress up a little bit. It was hard because I was living with one of my childhood friends when I really started dressing up regularly and coming to terms with what I was feeling. I just got a bit weird there and shut off a little bit; probably alienating myself from her. I am so sorry for distancing myself. I want to message you right now and I’ve been wanting to every day since I last saw you but the fear of what you think and if you’d accept me was really hard to overcome and another friend just completely cut me out of my life at that time. Idk, I should have handled it better and I’m sorry but now I feel awkward and I still want to message you but like what if you don’t like my choice or hate me for being distant. Like isn’t anxiety fucking fun? It’s holding me back even now, even though I feel like I can share this with the world, it still stops me from messaging you.

That same sentiment goes for any friend I may have pushed away over the years. I am so sorry that I haven’t kept in regular contact with you. That I let my escapism rule over me and distance myself from you. To acquaintances I never tried to befriend, I am sorry that I never tried harder to become close to you. If you accept me as who I am and would like to hang out then let me know! Talk to me, I’d love to hang out and go bowling, shopping, movies, games or drinks, that shit sounds dope.

When did I first have thoughts about wanting to be a girl?

Well as early as I can remember. I distinctly remember the pain of attempting to cut off my dick with a pair of scissors when I was about 4–5. That’s before I really understood genders or what a penis really was. Like fuck, this shit is clearly hard wired into this body.

That wasn’t the last time this little weirdo tried to chop off his dick. Like I fucking tried that shit at least another dozen times when I was like 10–15 yrs old. I just didn’t like that shit hanging there and would often sit on it trying to just hide it from myself. Fuck did I have some serious problems; like “Oi dumbass, cutting it off ain’t gunna solve your bloody problem aye”.

All I can say is that I wish this shit was forefront news and in the media when I was growing up. I wish I knew that this was a fucking option growing up. Perhaps I wouldn’t be so fucked up now, I wouldn’t have hidden my feeling for so many years thinking it was wrong or that it was just an unrealistic fantasy.

How long have I known that I really wanted to transition into a woman?

In full honesty? Probably 4–5 years now. I was just a little delusional thinking that medicine is going to advance so far that we probably won’t have to worry about ageing and that I could just transition at a later part in my life. Perhaps I was also hoping that they might invent some sort of magic wand which will make the process happen overnight.

I know that there is no magic wand now and if I really want to transition, there is no time like the present.

What made me suddenly tell everyone? Why the sudden change and realisation that you want to do this now and not in 20 years time?

Well honestly I decided to tell a friend how I was feeling. She took it amazingly well and like for the following few weeks my confidence started building. Like hey, maybe other people won’t care either.

Then my worst fear came true, someone else, someone I wouldn’t normally trust found out my secret.

They read through all of my messages to my friend, violating my trust and propelling me into a world of disarray and panic. I couldn’t believe it. How could they do that? What if more people find out?

The person was however very apologetic and was very nice about it all saying that it didn’t bother them and that they wouldn’t tell anyone else. This reassurance didn’t stop the panic attacks though, I felt very anxious and afraid of myself in the world for the next couple of days until something else happened.

My daughter told us that she no longer wanted to be friends with the Son of my friend. The friend I’ve told everything to. The only person I trusted with this knowledge of myself and in that moment, my heart was breaking, my throat swelling, my mouth drying, I just felt like our friendship was about to collapse.

I was sitting at my desk at work about to head home for the day when I got this news. It rocked me so hard that when I turned around and told my boss I needed a day off, he accepted no questions asked just by sheer look of panic on my face.

I then proceeded to jump in my car and start driving, trying not to think about the possible collapse of a friendship.

As I was driving my fingers started to tingle, then both of my hands and my feet. The sensation was climbing up my arms and my head started feeling faint. Realising this wasn’t some passing tingle from sitting funny I immediately pulled over as full panic started to overtake my body.

Everything was numb now, my head feeling like a bunch of snowflakes being shaken up inside a snow globe. I was all floaty, tingly, numb, cold and now my vision was getting quite bad. Complete tunnel vision and the depth wasn’t that great either. I pull my phone across and started calling my oldest Brother. The only person I felt like could trust with this secret and hopefully get me out of this hole that I’ve fallen down. He wasn’t answering and neither did his home phone or wife. I realised that I wasn’t going to get a hold of him, so I decided to try something else. I decided to call lifeline. I sat there on the phone for a good 10 mins listening to hold music, feeling more and more alone as the hold music went on. Fuck it, fuck them, I hung up and decided to call my parents. I couldn’t tell them my secret, but perhaps their voice would help.

They walked me through slowing my breath down, deep breathing and various other techniques that help someone calm down. Nothing was working and the tingling feeling was only getting more and more intense so they called an ambulance, which then came and took me to hospital. It felt like this feeling would never end until it peaked about 2 minutes before they gave me valium. The feeling at that time was the most intense feeling I’ve ever experienced, and that includes the time I fell from a cliff. Anyway the valium started to kick in after about 15mins and finally freedom, that horrible feeling started to subside and I went home with my parents, picking up my car on the way.

The very next day I decided I had to tell someone. I lined up a coffee date with my friend Harmony, who I knew would be accepting. After telling Harmony everything, I suddenly felt so much better. Like a weight has been lifted, as they would say. So we continued to chat for ages and ended up taking a lovely stroll by the lakefront in varisty, while we talked about all of the things and even she decided to organise a meeting with a councillor for another day.

Talking to that wonderful woman gave me so much confidence and make me feel so safe in how I was feeling so I decided to text my Brother a and tell him everything that was going on in my head. It felt so liberating and he was so understanding and accepting, just as I’d hoped. It made me feel so happy to finally tell someone I love, someone that’s known me my whole life, exactly how I was feeling and to have them say “It’s okay”.

So I had the meeting with the councillor Harmony organised and agreeded to come with me to. The lady we met was wonderful, so helpful and made me realise I was ready to tell everyone how I was feeling. That the fear side of things really held me back. Not the fear of telling people because of their reactions, if they don’t accept it, fuck ’em, but more the fear of saying it out loud. The fear that someone might tell me that I can’t go through with it, that I’m not allowed to. I realise now that no one can ever fucking tell me that and where there is a will, there is a way.

So I guess in some sort of way, the serious of unfortunate events that forced me into dealing with this issue head on, was actually productive in helping me become my true self. It’s like I’ve had this band-aid slowing me down and holding me back and someone else decided to just walk past and rip it off when I wasn’t expecting it.

Now, the next week, or this past week from my current view point has been just me telling the people I am closest to. My parents, sister, bosses at work and four other close friends. I also went to a support group and met with a psychologist to talk about how I am feeling and the next steps in the process.

What are the next steps then? How far do I want to take it?

Well, really I want to go the whole distance. I’ve had a problem with this thing between my legs since I was like 4 remember? Yes that means hormones and titties too. I’m not half assing this decision, it’s something that I’ve always wanted. I’ve spent countless hours researching the changes and I know it’s permanent. Like fuck you Maurice, you know that tattoos, body modification and having kids is pretty damn permanent too. You don’t need 6–8 bloody sessions with your psych just before they can recommend a tattoo artist to you.

You can do whatever the fuck you want with your own body and make most of those permanent decisions while you’re slightly tipsy on a friday night in the city. Are you worried that I will change my mind? That 25 years of wanting my dick gone I’ll just turn around and go hey, you know what, I change my mind, get that thing back between my legs.

So if I have to do 6–8 sessions before they can even recommend it, and I have to wait like 1–2 weeks between each session, it will take 3–4 months to even get a recommendation for hormones and then like another 3 months before I probably noticing much changes. Like fuck, that means I have to wait till next year before I really notice much of a difference.

What to do in the meantime. Well, I’ll be doing everything else that I can think of. Gender neutralish for the moment, slight fem touch until the hormones make a bit of a visual change. Preferencing the name Jera and pronouns like they/them. Looking at laser hair, going to the gym, daily again. Fixing my diet, only healthy shii from now on. Buying a new wardrobe, getting good at my makeup and voice skills. Building friendships with people who accept me for me. Probably get interested in my projects again and work on my memory stuff I was getting good at.

Going to give up the tv, mostly. Never more than one show every few nights.

Definitely need to work on making some more dosh. Changing your gender isn’t cheap so hopefully I can find a way to monetise my interest in deep learning and my goals of becoming a woman. I know there is a lot of use cases that might help the transition smoother or allow me to focus on areas of real need. Will definitely be one of my side projects for the coming future.

Now to just finish off on one last question I know I’ll get asked.

Are you feeling happier now?

Absolutely, I feel like there is life inside of me again. That I have plundered to the depths of hell and crawled my way out to be reborn as my true self.

Now here is a couple of photos that my wonderful friend Harmony helped happen. Thank you so much for everything, taking me shopping, putting on make up and even braving it in the freezing cold to take fabulous photos of me.