You’ve finally reached home after a tiring day at work and it’s been one of those nasty days where nothing seemed to go right. You open the door and almost make it to the living room when you’re spouse greets you lovingly but he/she wants to talk. Instantly you’re feeling exhausted and don’t feel like talking at all. Still you say, “Ok. What do you wanna talk about?”

Before you know it you’re both in a heated argument and you feel like crap. This is not how you wanted it to feel like once you were finally home.

You wish there was some way to end the argument immediately but instead you decide to leave the room. The argument started because you had a crappy day, but even if you wouldn’t have, arguing is usually what you’ve been taught to avoid, isn’t it?

And besides, when you argue and you lose, it sucks!

Maybe you’ve also been told not to argue ever since you were small. And you were brainwashed by teachers who showed their discontent with you and everyone else who argued. You’ve gotten rewarded for “good behavior” throughout your life, when you should’ve been rewarded for who you are.

I know I was constantly told things like “Don’t argue with me”, “Be silent if you don’t agree with someone” and “Avoid getting into an argument because it’ll only lead to trouble”. Or maybe the worst advice of all, which was “Always agree with and obey your father, instead of arguing back”.

And for way too long, I actually thought this way of thinking might be a “healthy and mature” way to live. Oh my god, how wrong I was.

I’ve come to realize your argument is an expression of who you are. It’s sharing your thoughts, values and beliefs based on your personal experiences. It’s as unique as your DNA. If you believe that arguing isn’t the right thing to do, it’s because someone told you so (by arguing) and you believed it. And so, they won that argument.

Contrary to what I used to think, arguing is more than just ‘picking a fight’. It’s an art form in which some are better than others. Even if you believe you don’t argue, you still do without knowing it.

When you tell your kids to clean up their room, you’re making an argument. If you want to convince your boss you deserve a higher salary, you need to argue for it. When you want to warn your friend from making a stupid mistake, it’s all about the way you put forth your argument.

These steps are some very profound ways of winning any argument and you will find it applies to many areas of your life and it’s easy to use.Be clear about the purpose of your argument and define what winning means. Is it to connect with someone? Is it to prove you are right? Are you arguing for someone else? Do you wish to convince someone? Do you wish to resolve your differences? Before you even begin your argument, it is very important that you are clear about your purpose and remember it throughout the argument; otherwise the risk of getting lost in a pointless and directionless argument is high. Also make sure to define what winning means to you. Is it complete annihilation of the other person or is it an ending where both of you are happy? Does winning mean you resolve a conflict or that you get what you want? Whatever it is, make sure you are absolutely clear about that before you start. Else chances are that when the argument ends, you’re not really sure if you won or lost, because you weren’t sure how that would look like to you in the first place. Using love as your most powerful argument. With loved ones sometimes the best way to win is to lose. I’ll explain. Let’s get back to our earlier example of you being in a heated argument with your spouse. Here is something you can do before it actually gets heated even when you know that he/ she is being completely unreasonable and you know they’re wrong. Instead of screaming back at them or telling your spouse “You’re acting like a jerk”, you could try the following approaches. Be honest, open and loving: I feel (hurt, sad, angry or whatever feeling you experienced) when you scream like that but I’m ready to listen whenever you feel like talking and I want to understand why you acted this way. And I want to listen and try to understand because I love you. And if you don’t want to ‘talk’ right then and there, you can use honesty and love again. It should make your partner understand you without getting upset. That could look like you saying something like; “I feel exhausted and had a really bad day at work. I really want to listen to what you have to say but I won’t be able to right now. Is it ok with you if we talk when I have relaxed a bit?” Try communicating this way next time and see what happens, you will most likely win without even trying to argue. To make anyone listen and trust you and your argument, you must be credible. Credibility comes from honesty, so when you make your argument be sure to speak only the absolute truth. Yes, that means you express your anger, hurt, sadness, jealousy and each one of your insecurities if the situation requires it. I know it’s scary to reveal one’s true feelings in many situations because you don’t want to deal with the ‘bad’ consequences that sometimes come with being honest. But once you do tell the truth, people will start to listen to you and more importantly trust you. Now your argument will have immense power because the person/ people you’re arguing with is/ are open to you and your argument. I’ll give you an example on credibility and the power of pure honesty. Recently we (me and my husband Fareem) had taken up a place in Dubai where we are currently living. We were sharing it but there were smokers in the apartment, which made me cringe because I cannot stand the smell. Now we had taken the place in a hurry so we weren’t aware of the smoke problem. I prepared my argument to the landlord and I told him exactly how it was. “I cannot stand the smoke smell and because of this we wish to move out earlier than what was agreed.” The argument went back and forth for a while between me and the landlord, but in the end he literally gave us back half a months’ rent while saying that it’s the first time he’s actually given back someone money. Bottom-line is this. When your argument is based on the truth, is just and reasonable and you ask for what you want upfront, people don’t want to say no. But if they sense any form of trickery, dishonesty or any sense of inaccuracy in your argument, you will lose your credibility and therefore you will lose the argument. Listen and the power is yours. I recently recorded an argument between me and my husband (he didn’t mind). I learned a harsh truth about myself. I don’t listen as well as I think I do. Even though we later resolved our misunderstandings I lost the argument when we had it because I missed out on the most important thing of all. Had I listened, I would’ve heard the hurt and pain in his voice. The fear and not the words, a plea to be heard and loved that I could have noticed had I only listened. You want to be heard, but remember so does everyone else. Once you use your ears and eyes more than your mouth, you will see the truth in sounds, silences and expressions that people make. And once you see the truth you know you have a much bigger chance in winning the argument because you understand what they feel and want. Storytelling can make you win an argument. Storytelling is something we all can do, and if you’re thinking you’re not a good storyteller then no worries. You don’t need to be, all you need to do is tell it like you remember it. And here’s the deal with stories. They move you and some stories do so deeply. Movies, advertisement are just some ways of moving you through storytelling. You can use it when you argue. Think of what you want, who you want to convince, influence or touch and think of a story that fits into the context of what you’re arguing about. Here is an article I really found helpful. It talks of 10 storytelling tips you could use https://www.fastcompany.com/3015140/once-upon-a-time-at-the-office-10-storytelling-tips-to-help-you-be-more-persu Don’t argue with certain people. And for me that includes children, people who for some reason cannot defend or argue for themselves, people who’s minds are closed by beliefs (could concern sensitive subjects such as religion or politics for example) and morons. Yes, I just said moron, because I know that you know exactly whom I mean by that ^^. I made the mistake to argue with a moron and it wasn’t productive whatsoever. To read more about the argument and find out what kind of people never to argue with click here, The Day I Decided To Confront A Moron. Last but not least remember to show respect. I would personally never recommend that you get disrespectful with any person, in any argument. Even though admittedly it actually can be hard at times depending on who you’re arguing with I guess. But I say this because even if someone is being completely disrespectful to you, a) you have the choice to leave and b) do you really want to sink to their level? If anger is right around the corner, tell them you need a break or a breather so you can calm down because you are getting very upset. And once you feel calm, you can continue the argument or you can also choose to resume it after a couple of days. Keeping your calm and being respectful shows that you are confident, in control and mature.



There is a lot more to learn about arguing and if you’re interested I would highly recommend you read this book, How To Argue And Win Everytime. It’s amazing. The author, Gerry Spence is an outstanding American trial lawyer who has, as of 2014, never lost a criminal case either as a prosecutor or a defense attorney.

What useful strategies do you use when you argue with someone? Let me know in the comments below because I want to hear from you!

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Choose to be happy,

Selma