today i’m back to feeling like i don’t have anything interesting to say. i saw my shrink yesterday so maybe i don’t need to let anything out today. but my kids are napping and i promised myself i would try to be a better person, blah, blah, blah, so here i am.

don’t google your diagnosis.

i looked up “dysthymic” for some factual information for my first post. this was the original diagnosis i received in my early 20’s; “dysthymic with current MDE (major depressive episode)” to be precise. as it was defined by my shrink at the time, dr. k., we’ll call him, this meant long-term, “low-grade” depression. “If ‘normal’ is here,” gesturing with his hand, “your normal is down here,” moving his hand down 6 six inches. “now with this MDE you have dipped even lower.” yup.

now, a decade later, i thought to actually google “dysthymic.” i was offended, at first, by what i read. offended. i’m not sure if i was offended because my shrink thought i had a “depressive personality” or offended by there mere fact that someone thought to define a subset of depression as a personality characteristic (and as such intrinsic in a way that can be blamed on the individual, like they have a weak character, rather than as a result of, you know, life).

Here is how mayoclinic.com defines dysthymia:

Dysthymia (dis-THIE-me-uh) is a mild but long-term (chronic) form of depression. Symptoms usually last for at least two years, and often for much longer than that. Dysthymia interferes with your ability to function and enjoy life.

With dysthymia, you may lose interest in normal daily activities, feel hopeless, lack productivity, and have low self-esteem and an overall feeling of inadequacy. People with dysthymia are often thought of as being overly critical, constantly complaining and incapable of having fun.

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dysthymia/basics/definition/con-20033879)

“…often thought of as being overly critical, constantly complaining and incapable of having fun.” wow. i sound like great company.

wikipedia is a little nicer with its definition:

Dysthymia (/dɪsˈθaɪmiə/ dis-thy-mee-ə, from Ancient Greek δυσθυμία, “melancholy”), sometimes also called neurotic depression, dysthymic disorder, or chronic depression, is a mood disorder consisting of the same cognitive and physical problems as in depression, with less severe but longer-lasting symptoms.[1][2] The concept was coined by Dr. Robert Spitzer as a replacement for the term “depressive personality” in the late 1970s.[3]

According to the diagnosis manual DSM-IV‘s definition of dysthymia, it is a serious state of chronic depression, which persists for at least 2 years (1 year for children and adolescents); it is less acute and severe than major depressive disorder.[4] As dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, so they may not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members, or friends.

Dysthymia often co-occurs with other mental disorders. A “double depression” is the occurrence of episodes of major depression in addition to dysthymia. Switching between periods of dysthymic moods and periods of hypomanic moods is indicative of cyclothymia, which is a mild variant of bipolar disorder.

The DSM-5, the 5th edition of the DSM, was released in May 2013 and includes a number of changes. In this edition, dysthymia is replaced by persistent depressive disorder. This new condition includes both chronic major depressive disorder and the previous dysthymic disorder. The reason for this change is that there was no evidence for meaningful differences between these two conditions.[5]

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysthymia)

wait. no it’s not. i don’t want to be called neurotic, either.

i actually find comfort in the signs, symptoms and causes listed by wikipedia. it went back to removing blame. i don’t need any help feeling at fault for who i am or how i feel.

in the end, whatever the textbook, DSM-V definition is for this pervasive part of me, i have to accept that i am not like most people i know. i’m not different in a positive way. i’m different in a way that brings me shame, makes me weak to other people and brings great misunderstanding and negative judgement from people i trust, or people i would like to trust.

so this “capital d” stays mostly secret.