People pressed their semi-naked bums on the gallery glass in the House of Commons and had to be peeled off by police, and it still wasn’t the stupidest thing that happened in parliament this week.

On Monday, the night that parliament was supposed to “take back control”, protest group Extinction Rebellion got into the gallery, took their kit off and tried to stick a variety of body parts to the glass, turning the House of Commons into some kind of X-rated human zoo.

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It seemed weird but by the time Tuesday came around we were all looking back on it as a rare moment of sanity. For one thing, it was just nice to see people who had made a decision. It wasn’t the best decision – they were going to glue their hands to some glass and wriggle their bums around for a bit – but at least something got decided in parliament.

Because what happened next was that MPs, who had just taken control from a government who kept bringing back the same deal over and over again, decided to reject every available option they had created for themselves for the second time in a row.

You can only imagine how the evening went down in EU capitals.

“All right, 1,011 days since the referendum, 11 left to go. Let’s take a look at what the UK is doing … oh you’re taking the piss!”

“What’s wrong, Angela?”

“They’re having a wee initial think about what kind of Brexit they actually want to happen.”

“Are you sure they aren’t making final preparations?”

“NO, THEY’RE BRAINSTORMING!”

“OK, but how are they getting on? Are they at least nearly there, Angela?”

“No. And I don’t know how to tell you this, but they’ve hired strippers.”

With all other options having been rejected, Theresa May sat down to reject the final option of having a general election. In a seven-hour cabinet meeting, she and her colleagues argued furiously about what the hell to do next, probably setting aside at least two hours to talk about what a baller move it was of David Cameron to call the referendum to solve divisions within the Tory party.

Play Video 2:04 MPs react as semi-naked climate protesters disrupt Brexit debate - video

At the end of it, May gave her inevitable press statement (they may as well strap a lectern to her tummy at this point) and announced her genius solution: do the same thing that had just failed 24 hours before on Bum Day.

May’s game-changing suggestion was to try to agree an approach with Jeremy Corbyn, and if that didn’t work then a range of options for the future relationship would be put to the Commons in a series of votes. To be fair to May, it was extremely on brand for her to go down a route that had already failed repeatedly.

The government, which spent almost three years fighting itself before it even considered compromising with a party it actively despises, now wants to get this sorted by the end of the week. In 2016 this offer would have been sensible. Now, with a week to go, it looks like the prime minister, having started a fire and fanned the flames, is asking Labour to stand there holding a can of petrol with her and act a bit shifty till the police arrive.

There’s another problem. Anything Labour agrees, it will have to trust May’s successor to carry out. A few weeks ago it looked like May would cling to the doorframe of No 10 until humans died off and she was governing over a mutated breed of cockroaches who also didn’t like her that much. But she’s now promised to resign, meaning whoever replaces her will have to carry out what she agrees.

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And that’s, to put it mildly, bad, as Boris Johnson is trying to make himself look electable again. Late on Tuesday, irony died as the cauliflower told the BBC that people want politicians in Westminster “not to focus on themselves, but to focus on the needs of the country”. This from a man who hired a photographer to photograph his own resignation in protest against a deal he would go on to endorse in return for the prime minister quitting to make way for him.

Now with Brexiteers already quitting or threatening to strike, the DUP livid, the EU sceptical that the plan will work, maybe even to the point that it won’t grant an extension, the chaos really begins. And it’s going to make bum glue-apalooza look like a regular Monday.

• James Felton is a TV and radio comedy writer