When BMW returned Mini to our shores for the 2002 model year, having finally dispensed with Sir Alec Issigonis’s original design after too many years in production, the result, frankly, was revelatory. Our beloved Volkswagen GTI was going through an awkward phase, while the Honda Civic Si suffered from sporadic availability and wasn’t quite as inspiring as it had been in years past—in fact, Ford’s SVT Focus won a comparison among the trio. As we noted at the time, we would have included the Cooper S in our test, had Mini been able to make one available. In hindsight, we think it would’ve fared admirably, despite being a size-class lower than those other machines. Since then, the hot-hatch market has heated up in earnest, with Ford and VW at the top of their games. Meanwhile, the Mini we tend to recommend most is the bog-standard, three-cylinder Cooper Hardtop, not the more powerful but less-pleasant S. Might the even zestier John Cooper Works model overcome our aversion and power its way into our hearts?

In a word, no. True, it has 228 horsepower and scoots to 60 mph in 6.0 seconds. At least one manual-equipped GTI we tested did the deed in 5.8, despite weighing 241 pounds more and suffering an 8-hp deficit. That particular VW also returned 1 mpg better fuel economy. And, as tested, cost $12,745 less than the JCW. That price difference is big enough that if you dug 70 bucks out of the couch, you could buy the Volkswagen and then a Nissan Versa sedan. (We’re not sure what you’d do with the Nissan, but we imagine you could find a purpose for it. A nice planter, maybe?) If we make the comparison on base prices, the 2016 GTI only undercuts the JCW by $5635. That would nab you a used Suzuki Hayabusa—another vehicle that posts better numbers than the Mini.

View Photos MICHAEL SIMARI

To give the JCW its due, it does turn in nicely and managed to post 0.92 g on the skidpad, which ever so slightly edges the GTI by .01 and puts it on par with the best number we’ve pulled from the excellent Ford Fiesta ST. The Ford may be 1.0 second slower to 60 than the Mini, but the little ST is one of the best cars in terms of ride-and-handling balance available at any price. The JCW, conversely, tends to crash its way through bumps, its behavior evocative of a brick on casters. Sure, its solid structure and stiff suspension telegraph the road to you, but the noise-to-signal ratio is exceptionally high on the noise end. We can only imagine that it’d be even more of a harsh realm inside the JCW’s cutesy cabin with the optional 18-inch rolling stock. The shorter sidewalls likely would exacerbate the squeaks and rattles that seem to be endemic to the modern Minis. We won’t say it’s necessarily worse in that regard than the Cooper S, but the more softly sprung base Cooper is the only one of the three current Hardtops that saw us return unruffled from a trip around our local handling loop.

Not that we’re morally opposed to being ruffled, mind you. It’s just that the JCW leaves you feeling like you paid too much for the privilege.

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