Detractors of clergy who change from religious belief to non-belief often characterize them as liars who should leave their posts immediately upon changing their minds.

What these detractors don’t understand is that clergy often are fighting against their growing doubts, just as they are taught to do. When clergy first take their doubts to colleagues and superiors, they are not urged to quit; they are urged to pray their way back to a strong faith. How many times have we heard that “doubt is normal” and that “we all go through it.” If that’s the case, then isn’t it normal that for some people, doubt does not revert back to faith, but leads to non-belief?

“No,” these detractors might respond, “because in this case there is only one right answer: God exists.” Many clergy want to believe this and try hard to believe it. They not only have their sincerely held beliefs at stake, but also their incomes, most of their adult life and all of their academic training. Thus, they struggle hard – maybe harder than non-clergy – to quell their doubts and keep their faith. Please read on to learn about the emotional turmoil of Drew Bekius, whose explorations eventually led him away from Christianity – luckily before he committed to studying for a PhD to really understand his religion!

The following is excerpted, with permission, from a post on his blog.

I practiced my message over and over and over again. As I sat in thought,

I would imagine the most intimidating critiques against my faith. And while in the shower each morning, I would rehearse my response to those critiques, hammering out each phrase over and over and over again until I believed it to sound as convincing as possible. While driving in my car, I would role-play conversations, trying to stump myself as I flipped back and forth like one attempting to game himself in chess. I mechanically taught myself to think like a nonbeliever and envision the atheistic framework, so as to look for the weak links that I could then craft another set of answers to combat. I realized that my role as an ambassador of Jesus

was to present the best, most solidly rational case for Jesus possible. And I realized that the reason for this mission, the underlying point to being clear and well spoken and expertly prepared, was because only then can we justly expect someone to believe it. It was because people have an obligation to use the mind God had apparently given them to follow where the evidence would lead. Because why else would people de-convert from their native religion? And how else could God expect them to? Why else would a Muslim stop being a Muslim to become a Christian? Why else would a Buddhist stop being a Buddhist? Or a Jew or a Hindu? Clearly, God expected us to shape the most rational arguments for Christian faith because he held people responsible for following the most rational arguments available. And it was somewhere in here that I realized if there should ever come a day when I saw a better case for another religion that I would be obligated to follow it? Does one growing up in a Muslim environment not automatically assume that Islam has to be correct? So of course I had likewise assumed this of my Christian environment. Now at the same time, I really was honestly and thoroughly convinced that Christianity was the one and only truth. So convinced was I, that I dedicated the rest of my life to its work and ran off to Bible college and seminary. But even before then I knew that as committed as I was to the truth of Christianity, I must also be as committed to the use of reason in discerning that truth. And as truly as God was real, he would guide and direct my understanding of truth along this pursuit. I’ve always considered myself a freethinker. I had just freely thought Christianity to be the best available option for the first 30 years of my life.

**Editor’s Question** What did you do (or are you doing) to try to hold on to your faith?

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Drew Bekius was an evangelical pastor for 12 years before de-converting and leaving the ministry behind. Today Drew is the customer service manager for a downtown Chicago steakhouse and is an open atheist, serving on the Board of Directors for The Clergy Project as Communications Chair. He blogs at DrewBekius.com and is finishing his book The Rise and Fall of Faith: A Once Evangelical Pastor Tells His Story.

>>>Photo Credits: “The Thinker, Rodin” by AndrewHorne (talk). Original uploader was AndrewHorne at en.wikipedia – Transferred from en.wikipedia; transferred to Commons by User:Kafuffle using CommonsHelper.(Original text : I (AndrewHorne (talk)) created this work entirely by myself.). Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Thinker,_Rodin.jpg#/media/File:The_Thinker,_Rodin.jpg

“Christ The Consolator” by Carl Heinrich Bloch (1834-1890) – Private Collection. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Christ_The_Consolator.jpg#/media/File:Christ_The_Consolator.jpg