Still others feel helpless to deal with their friend’s stress. Not knowing what to say or do, they wait for someone else to give them a clue, or, fearing they may say or do the wrong thing, they do nothing at all. Others worry about being a bother and decide to just stay out of the way.

Those who have moral judgments about the child’s illness or behavior or who are uncomfortable being in a hospital or sick room or courtroom are even more challenged. They can’t handle being in an environment that makes them anxious and their relationship with their friends suffers.

Some people are so distracted by their own problems, they can’t find the energy to support their friends. If they are to stay in touch, they may need to be reassured that they aren’t expected to solve the problem or to become a major player in a child’s care.

Whatever their good (or not so good) intentions, it’s no wonder these folks gradually fade out of sight when a friend’s family is faced with an ongoing, seemingly endless stressful situation. It’s important for the affected family not to take it personally – even though it feels terribly personal.

It’s an important part of self-care to at least try to invite such seemingly “fair-weather friends” back into their lives. Research has shown that one of the most important variables in managing crisis and stress is having others to turn to, whether for a simple chat about the weather, advice, or a hug. Affirmation of connection recharges the emotional batteries and lets people carry on even when the demands of life feel relentless and overwhelming. Yes, it can feel unfair to have to take the initiative and take care of our friendships when we feel the support of friends slipping away. But getting stuck on some idea of “fairness” will only make the situation worse. If the friends knew how to stay in contact and how to help, they would have done it already. It’s important to give them the benefit of the doubt and to give them a way back in.

We really can be our own worst enemy. If we let the idea of making a quick phone call feel so overwhelming we let weeks go by without doing it, we can end up feeling alone and lonely. Often it only takes a text message, an entry on Facebook or a five-minute phone call to keep the connection alive.

Reaching out does encourage others to reach in. Spending some time with friends doesn’t cheat the children of attention. It ensures that their parents get the renewal and strength that comes from the empathy and support of good friends.

Fortunately, there is usually a friend or two who doesn’t need to be told and reminded. They can be a family’s best allies in keeping in touch with everyone else. Those good friends can also help other friends know what is needed and how to be supportive instead of intrusive. Most people are better responders than initiators. If given an explanation for their friend’s absence, and especially if given a specific way to help, most will respond generously and sympathetically.

In addition, there are support groups consisting of other families for just about every illness and problem life can dish out. There’s nothing quite so affirming as talking with people who are dealing with the same sorts of things. The structure of weekly meetings ensures that the group gets together regularly. The location at the local hospital, church or library means that no one has to stress about cleaning up the living room or serving refreshments, so parents are more likely to keep coming. These new friends can fill a need for understanding that old friends maybe can’t.

People do need people. Parents especially need other people when a child’s situation diverts so much of their time and energy that they are in danger of dropping out of their supportive relationships. Taking some time out from the daily demands of the children to stay in contact isn’t selfish. It’s essential.

When Crisis Becomes Chronic: What to do When Friendships Fade