The whole international pandemic thing that’s going down forced the 2020 March Madness to be cancelled. Or so you thought.

The NCAA is skipping this year’s tournament at all levels, but /r/CollegeBasketball has sponsored its own alternative Men’s Division I tournament: Reddit March Madness. Streamed exclusively on YouTube and executed with a college basketball video game from almost 15 years ago, this year’s March Madness is sure to be unpredictable and full of really dumb turnovers.

Nothing But Nylon is providing the exclusive* coverage of the event from the bedroom of our headquarters. Don’t miss any of the real* quotes and bone-breaking analysis that you’ll only find here because of how exclusive* this content is.

* = this means you can’t sue me

Reddit March Madness Second Round – 1 Kansas 86, 8 Saint Mary’s 76

There has been a heated feud between Kansas head coach Bill Self and Saint Mary’s head coach Randy Bennett for weeks, and that certainly did not end after Kansas eliminated Saint Mary’s, 86-76, in the second round of Reddit March Madness.

After the game, Randy Bennett, who has been proclaiming Jordan Ford would score 50 against Kansas, among other opponents, and showed visibly frustration with Bill Self, had to be restrained.

“RANDY SMASH! RANDY SMASH!” he screamed, attempting a melee on the Kansas athletic communications staff before the start of his press conference.

He stabbed Kansas student Shemika Lumpkin, a senior communications major who has worked for the athletic department for two years as an assistant, three times in the abdomen and once in the shoulder with the end of a crudely-welded pen shiv.

I sprang into action, tackling Bennett and turning the writing utensil on him. Through a series of high-tech karate moves, I subdued him and had the pen pinned to his neck.

“Looks like the pen is mightier than the sword,” I quipped, lifting one eyebrow and flashing a dashing smile at Shemika.

She blushed, taking her hand away from her leaking wounds to cover her face adorably. I whipped out my phone super slick and called 911, holding Randy Bennett in place and flirting with Shemika until the authorities arrived.

“I think I love you,” Shemika said, biting her lip.

“Word,” I responded, sexily.

Once Randy Bennett was taken away, everyone clapped. Then Shemika and I started dating, things got serious and after eight months, it couldn’t be better.

Bill Self also voiced his excitement about Randy Bennett failing, rubbing in the victory like everyone knew he would.

“The Caveman couldn’t do it after all, huh? Jordan Ford score 50, my ass,” he said with a laugh as he waltzed into the room, swaying his body in the approach to the podium. “Hey, it’s alright, Randy-man. Maybe next year Saint Mary’s can make it to the tournament again and continue to pretend it belongs with the big boys? Or maybe you can beat Gonzaga once, the only thing you ever achieve every few years.”

Kansas is on to its fourth Sweet 16 since 2016 and one win away from making it the same mark in the Elite Eight. Saint Mary’s hasn’t been to the Sweet 16 since 2010. The Jayhawks will play No. 5 seed BYU in their next game.

Be sure to follow along with Nothing But Nylon’s comprehensively exclusive* coverage of the 2020 Reddit March Madness.

Part of the proceeds from the sale of each #RedditMarchMadness t-shirt will go toward helping those in the basketball community affected by COVID-19. We will be partnering with non-profits like the Give and Go Foundation on the effort. If you know of a worthy group that could use some extra funds, please reach out.