COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Imagine the meeting went something like this.

"So everyone, Fox has increased its presence with Big Ten football this season, getting first pick of the best games, including Ohio State-Michigan, and we really want to play up these Big Ten teams. We're thinking of creating individual promos for all 14 schools to air the week before the season. So let's think what the overall focus of the campaign should be."

"The glory of amateur athletics?"

"Outdated."

"The pageantry of the college game?"

"Been done."

"Academics?"

"Delany would like that, but no one else would."

Then slowly, a hand raised into the air in the corner of the conference room.

"Yes, you, the ghoulish fellow in the corner. What's your suggestion?"

"Well, this may be unorthodox. But what if the primary threat of the commercial campaign was ... straight up murder?"

Yeah, that guy got his way.

The commercials are out, and I have assisted you by ranking the 14 from the least to the most murder-like.

By Doug Lesmerises, cleveland.com

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Hoosiers. Basketball. Blah.

Indiana

Hoosiers. Basketball. Blah.

Murder index: 0

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Maryland

Your flag is so ugly ... it makes opponents throw up? The threat of death doesn't hang over this one, but the sight of a state's flag literally weakening the opponent is giving a piece of cloth a lot of credit.

Murder index: 0.2

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Northwestern

Bad, because it doesn't really make sense. Northwestern's smart, so they ... control your mind? What? This sounds like the last one finished, where somebody got hung up on the smart thing and didn't know where to go.

Murder index: 0.3

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Purdue

Missed a chance for a mustachioed villain to tie an opponent to the track to be run over by the run. Fox certainly regrets that missed murder opportunity. If you kid likes trains, well, there's a train.

Murder index: 0.9

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Rutgers

Pretty weak about Knights. Given how most of the promos went, can't believe this wasn't about The Sopranos. But to take a shot at snooty, elite knights, and then proudly proclaim Rutgers is a place for Knights that "aren't born with anything" - that's not getting me fired up for Rutgers.

Murder index: 1.4

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Ohio State

This was the first one I watched and I thought, you know, that's a little dark for a college football ad. But in comparison ... not so much. It does at least seem to make a point about the lack of design on the helmets. "Cover it with your misery," is an awkward turn of phrase, though. Hey, it's cold outside, you gonna wear a hat? No, I thought I'd just cover my head with your misery.

Murder index: 2

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Illinois

Haunted, but they don't quite imply that the ghost of Red Grange will actually, you know, murder you. But are you sure you want to walk past the Grange statue outside Memorial Stadium now?

Murder index: 2.2

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Wisconsin

They're going to jump until the stadium falls apart and crushes you. They'll claim it's an accident, but you'll know it's murder. Jump Around is a great tradition, though, and this does give you a sense for Wisconsin more than, for instance, a promo about an ugly flag or a snooty knight.

Murder index: 5

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Iowa

It's about Iowa's pink locker room for visitors, and after watching this, I'm fairly certain it's pink because they mixed white paint with the blood of the visitors. Creepy, implied possible murder. The story of the pink locker room is widely known and an Iowa staple, but never has it been so linked to the idea that you might be tortured in there.

Murder index: 7

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Michigan State

Michigan State is going to shoot you with arrows and stab you with swords. It might be under the cover of war, and not murder, but you're definitely going to die. And the Greek phrase Molon Labe has been been used on Michigan State uniforms, but when I heard it I thought maybe it was the name of an outside linebacker.

Murder index: 8

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Penn State

Basically, this guy is trapped in a blizzard and is going to freeze to death. If someone drove him out into the storm and dropped him off, yeah, that's murder. The White Out is another well-known Big Ten tradition cited here, but I'd rather do more with the kids jumping around than a guy stumbling in the snow.

Murder index: 8.5

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Michigan

A three-limbed Wolverine, after a self-amputation by mouth, is going to hunt you down. And, ah, murder you.

Murder index: 9

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Minnesota

They are going to smile at you and then PUT YOU IN A WOOD CHIPPER. Some fans on Twitter complained that this was modeled on the movie Fargo, and the city of Fargo is in North Dakota. But to be fair, most of the movie is set in Minnesota. And I'm sure people in Minnesota never ... get ... tired ... of ... that ... reference.

Murder index: 9.9

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Nebraska

Yeah, you're going to be killed in a cornfield, Children of the Corn style. That's some extra level murder. This isn't going over very well in Nebraska. But let's be honest, when you think of college football, who doesn't want to associate it with Stephen King-created ritual sacrifice?

Murder index: 10

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