Love and prejudice: Why we're a nation sharply divided

Updated

Peter (not his real name) has a secret he's not telling his girlfriend. He thinks it would probably ruin their relationship if she found out.

"Now that I'm dating an Asian girl, I find myself wondering if I am somehow settling for a sub-standard partner," the 31-year-old said.

"I don't like that I have these feelings and I don't think they are based in truth, but the exposure to 'harmless' casual racism throughout my life has left its mark."

Peter is not alone in having doubts about being romantically involved with someone who, at first glance, seems very different to himself.

The largest survey of attitudes towards dating and romance in Australia has revealed that many of us may not be as open-minded we think.

The ABC's Australia Talks National Survey asked nearly 55,000 people to rate their openness to romantic involvement with different groups of people on a scale of -5 (not at all open) to +5 (very open).

The findings offer a tantalising glimpse into whom we're willing to invite into our most intimate spaces and how that varies depending on characteristics such as age, gender, income, education and vote.

But before we dive into the results, we're giving you the chance to take the survey yourself and see how your romantic openness compares to other Australians. (You'll need around 2 minutes.)

So, if variety is the spice of life, how spicy is your love life?

(And don't worry, your answers are not linked to your identity, nor will they be stored or passed on to anyone else.)

This feature is not available here. Tap here to go to the survey on the ABC News site.

The question of whom we're willing to welcome into our hearts (and beds) has the potential to unmask some of our deepest, most hidden prejudices.

Even people who embrace diversity in their friendships, workplaces and neighbourhoods sometimes draw a line at the bedroom door.

Jay, 26, knows something about this. Jay is bisexual, which means he belongs to one of the most stigmatised groups in the dating world, according to researchers.

"For some people, even people who believe in marriage equality, they would never date someone who openly finds all genders attractive," he said.

"I think it's the difference between tolerance and acceptance."

Some of the prejudice he has encountered first-hand include the belief that bisexuality is only a phase or isn't real, and that bisexual men spread HIV and other STIs to straight people.

"I've met people who say they won't date bisexual guys because it's their 'sexual preference' and just who they're attracted to."

That's like saying you'll only date within a certain race, Jay said. "Frankly, that's still bigotry to me. I don't really believe people can limit bigotry to their dating lives. I think it seeps out into how they engage with other people."

Numerous studies have found people who discriminate against particular groups in their romantic or sexual lives typically display high levels of prejudice in other parts of their lives, said psychotherapist Damien Riggs, who is a professor of psychology at Flinders University.

"People say again and again, 'It's just a preference' and the word 'just' is meant to say, 'This is not prejudice. I'm not being discriminatory'," he said.

"That logic doesn't work. Your sexual attraction is informed by your wider world view."

Seven things we learnt about romantic openness...

Here are the average scores for each question. These reflect the attitudes of the "typical" Australian or the population overall.

Below is the distribution of responses (from -5 to 5) for each question, ranked from highest to lowest average score.

Atheists, different races/ethnicities and divorcees were the most likely to get the thumbs up, with more than 30 per cent of people giving these groups a score of 5 (Very open).

Atheists were most likely to receive the highest score, while bisexuals had the sharpest split in high and low scores. Different race/ethnicity 50% 40% 30% 20% 10% -5 0 5 40% Atheist 46% Much more money 30% Divorced 31% Much less money 28% Different religious background 28% Very left-wing views 23% Disability 33% Overweight 25% Significantly younger 21% Significantly older 22% Mental health issues 22% Bisexual 29% Cannot speak your language 21% Very religious 19% Very right-wing views 23% More than one person 43% Transgender 42% Addiction 31% Married 50%

Respondents were most likely to give a -5 score ("Not at all open") to being romantically involved with someone who was married, more than one person, or someone who was transgender.

Sentiment was the most divided on the question of dating a bisexual person, with 29 per cent "Not at all open" to the idea and 16 per cent "Very open".

However, when we delve into the differences between demographic groups, the data reveals that when it comes to attitudes to romance, we're a nation sharply divided by vote, gender and age — although not always in the ways you might expect.

Men aren't always up for it more than women

Men were far more open than women, ranking equal fifth for openness among more than 30 demographic groups. Women were the fourth-least open group.

The most gender-divisive propositions were the idea of being romantically involved with more than one person (difference of 1.6 points), followed closely by an affair with someone who is married (difference of 1.5 points).

At first glance, these results fit perfectly with the theory, long-espoused by evolutionary psychologists, that men are biologically hardwired to "spread their seed" and are therefore more sexually receptive than women.

However, a closer look at the data suggests a more nuanced picture.

Women were more open than men on six of the 20 questions analysed, including to transgender people, those who are overweight, or people with a mental health issue or disability.

This could suggest that men are more open when it comes to questions of values, morals or lifestyles, while women are more inclusive towards groups of people typically seen as less desirable.

This aligns with cultural stereotypes about masculinity and femininity, which encourage men to be more prejudiced than women, Professor Riggs said. It also fits with other results from the Australia Talks National Survey, which found women tended to have more socially progressive, inclusive views.

"We teach men... to be authoritarian and hardline in their views. We teach women to be more empathetic and more open to diversity," he said.

"It's not an inherent sex difference. It's a cultural difference that we create."

Very right-wing? We know just the person for you

One Nation voters were the only group interested in dating someone with very right-wing views — and even they weren't that keen, giving the idea a lukewarm 1.5, on average.

It scored negatively with every other demographic except LNP voters, who shrugged off the idea with an average score of 0 — the survey data equivalent of: "Meh".

While we need to dig deeper to work out exactly what this is about, a few theories spring to mind, said social psychologist and University of Queensland researcher Dr Michael Thai.

Typically, people are attracted to people who are similar to them, so it might reveal something about the way we see ourselves — specifically, that we prefer to think of ourselves as moderate or left-leaning.

Alternatively, it may be that the cultural stereotypes we conjure up when asked to imagine a very right-wing person are much more negative than the stereotypes of a very left-wing person.

"If I ask you to imagine a very left-wing person, we typically think of the social justice warrior or maybe a radical feminist," Dr Thai said.

"So, they might be annoying, they might be frustrating but... they don't really represent a threat to anyone's health or wellbeing in the same way as an extremist on the other side of the spectrum."

Politics is becoming more important than race

On the other hand, the sharp rift along political battlelines may well be a sign of the times.

A growing body of research shows that in an age of increasing political polarisation, we've seen "a huge shift" towards dating people with the same political opinion as us, according to University of Queensland social psychologist Fiona Barlow.

In the US, political allegiance has even begun to outweigh parents' historical preferences for their children to partner with someone of the same race or ethnicity, she said.

"That has shifted in recent decades, such that the preference really is for kids to marry someone who fits their political orientation rather than any particular racial affiliation."

How you vote was one of the strongest predictors of romantic openness in the Australia Talks National Survey, with the sharpest divisions occurring between voters questioned about their openness to romantic involvement with someone with "very left wing" or "very right wing" views.

"I suspect people are using political attitudes as a shorthand for: 'Do we value the same thing?'... 'Are we going to be compatible in the long term?'," Associate Professor Barlow said.

... but race still matters

Among all the groups of people and types of relationships proposed, Australians were most open to the idea of romantic involvement with someone of a different race or ethnicity.

However, even though it ranked highest, it scored only 2.8 on the scale of -5 to 5. "There's certainly room for improvement," Associate Professor Barlow said, also adding that people who speak English with an accent still face substantial discrimination.

And while Australians may be generally open to dating people from different races and cultures, research shows prejudice varies markedly depending on the racial/ethnic group.

Studies of sexual racism — which can leads people to exclude or, conversely, fetishise certain racial groups — show romantic preferences are not random.

Rather, they tend to be based on stereotypes, Dr Thai said.

"You see quite distinct patterns of preference, which also supports the idea that racial preference is essentially just racial bias."

Stereotypes about Asians, for example, portray them as feminine and submissive — characteristics have traditionally been associated with the ideal female mate. "That works in favour of Asian women but it doesn't work in favour of Asian men," Dr Thai said.

Contrast this with racial stereotypes of black people as dominant and aggressive — traits associated with masculinity. This stereotype works in favour of black men but working against black women.

These gendered patterns of racial preference have been tracked in studies of heterosexual attraction. "Men tend to be more attracted to Asian women than black women... Women tend to be less attracted to Asian men than, say, black men," Dr Thai said.

"These differences tell us that it's not random, personal preference. It's systematic and it's based on societal stereotypes."

We see two trends for heterosexual people in Western societies, according to Dr Thai.

"Own race attraction is most prevalent and that makes a lot of sense because we are most attracted to people who are similar to us," he said.

"But layered on top of that is an attraction to white people. So if anyone dates outside their group, it's most likely to be someone white."

Studies have shown that this "white idealisation" is taken to the extreme among gay men.

"The white ideal overrides everything... It doesn't matter if you're white or if you're from an ethnic or racial minority group, you typically find white men to be most attractive and you typical desire relationships with white men the most."

Millennials are not always more open-minded than baby boomers

Boomers (aged 65 and older in this survey) were the least romantically open demographic among more than 30 groups analysed in Australia Talks National Survey.

"It's probably a function of the times," Dr Thai said.

"These people would have been in their youth during the white Australia policy. They are part of a generation that tends to be more conservative, more racist... so it could be a cohort effect," he said, meaning an outcome of that group's shared historical and social experiences.

But the youngest group surveyed (aged 18-29) were not necessarily the most open-minded, according to the data.

The youngest millennials were the least open among the five age groups to people who were married, divorced or cannot speak your language.

They were also less open than people in their 30s and 40s to dating someone of a different race or ethnicity, an atheist, someone who is overweight, someone much older or being romantically involved with more than one person.

Older millennials (aged 30-39 in this survey) the most open-minded age group — roughly twice as open as those in their twenties or forties.

Associate Professor Barlow said the data may reflect a lack of experience among 18 to 29-year-olds.

"[Young] people sometimes have set ideas about who they are and what their life is going to look like," she said.

"Whereas, people who get through early adulthood and are still in the dating pool, often come to realise that broadening their horizons can lead to a better, more exciting and more fulfilling dating experience."

Forbidden fruit? No thanks

Married people were considered the least appealing romantic option in the Australia Talks National Survey survey.

The suggestion of romantic involvement with someone who is married scored a dismal -2.9 overall, with more than 50 per cent giving it the lowest possible score of -5.

It was considered twice as unappealing as someone who cannot speak your language and 1.5 times as unappealing as being romantically involved with more than one person.

Those aged 18-29 were the most appalled by the idea, giving it -3.8, on average. Even men, the demographic group most open to the idea, registered negative interest (-2.2).

This is not necessarily about taking the moral high ground, Associate Professor Barlow said. "In part, [people] may just be taking a practical stance, saying 'That might be hard'."

Love really does hurt some of us

Similar factors are likely behind the overwhelmingly negative response to those struggling with addiction — although pragmatism and prejudice are more difficult to separate in this instance, Associate Professor Barlow said.

She added that improved rehabilitation and mental health services could help break down some of these barriers, so people feel more equipped to support a partner dealing with addiction and mental illness.

Dating attitudes differed more by income, education and region than by birthplace or language Ranked from most to least divisive characteristic

The Australia Talks National Survey data also revealed significant barriers for transgender people, who scored -5 among more than 40 per cent of respondents.

Professor Riggs said transgender people are one of the most marginalised group in contemporary society, with previous studies finding "overwhelmingly" that rejection, poor treatment and even physical harm were common experiences of intimacy and dating for trans people.

"Trans people have the right to intimate relationships and happiness but ... people just have these very misinformed or stereotyped views that mean trans women and trans men aren't, just by default, included in the categories of women and men," he said.

Prejudice or preference — and why it matters

Are all sexual "preferences" just prejudice thinly veiled? Short answer: no. But they can be hard to separate.

"[Sexual bias] is saying you wouldn't even consider one person from a very large group attractive, based on a preconceived notion of what the group is," Dr Thai said.

On the other hand, a decision not to date someone because your personal values and circumstances aren't compatible is less likely to hint at hidden prejudice.

I appeared in a short doco on SBS in July 2018. I foolishly presumed that telling my story about struggling to date other young men would encourage debate about LGBTIQA+ disabled people finding inclusive spaces to seek love and intimacy.

Instead a small, hyper-aggressive, cruel group of trolls online mistook what I said and accused me of behaving like an incel [involuntary celibate].

Their acid-tongued, demeaning remarks disturbed me as I would never manipulate or coerce any bloke into a one-sided, non-consensual relationship.

Jarad McLoughlin, 34 (gay/queer, autistic, vision/hearing impaired, Ayme-Gripp Syndrome), Oaklands Park, South Australia I appeared in a short doco on SBS in July 2018. I foolishly presumed that telling my story about struggling to date other young men would encourage debate about LGBTIQA+ disabled people finding inclusive spaces to seek love and intimacy.

Instead a small, hyper-aggressive, cruel group of trolls online mistook what I said and accused me of behaving like an incel [involuntary celibate].

Their acid-tongued, demeaning remarks disturbed me as I would never manipulate or coerce any bloke into a one-sided, non-consensual relationship.

Jarad McLoughlin, 34 (gay/queer, autistic, vision/hearing impaired, Ayme-Gripp Syndrome), Oaklands Park, South Australia

Ultimately, we need to remember that our "preferences" both reflect and amplify other negative messages our culture directs at marginalised groups. This can have serious mental health consequences, Professor Riggs said.

"When you get that repeated message, 'You're not desirable', people can come to internalise that... It seeps into everything: 'I'm not dateable. I'm not employable. People don't want me to live here'," he said.

"That's why it's a problem, because it's not just an isolated thing in the abstract."

The good news is that prejudice is malleable. Research shows that more contact with people from different groups plays a powerful role in decreasing general prejudice and increasing romantic attraction to people in those groups.

"A lot of our impressions of groups we aren't familiar with are based on stereotypes and broad misconceptions... Contact gives us exposure to actual members of that group, which means we rely less on stereotypes," Dr Thai said.

"And when we rely less on stereotypes, we start to see people as individuals and how we can be attracted to them."

Personal stories have been edited for length and clarity. Some may not use real names.

Credits

The Australia Talks National Survey asked 54,000 Australians about their lives and what keeps them up at night. Use our interactive tool to see the results and how their answers compare with yours — available in English, simplified Chinese, Arabic and Vietnamese.

Then, tune in at 8.30pm on November 18, as the ABC hosts a live TV event with some of Australia's best-loved celebrities exploring the key findings of the Australia Talks National Survey.

Topics: relationships, community-and-society, race-relations, sexuality, psychology, social-sciences, australia

First posted