An idea is like a virus. And if you’re a Miami Dolphins fan, that idea needs to weaponized.

It’s now public record that Joe Burrow has exactly 9″ sized hands – considered small for NFL prospective quarterbacks – and likely going to cost him exactly 0.0 spots in the 2020 NFL Draft.

That is, unless the Miami Dolphins play their cards right.

That’s right, in the spirit of election year, the Miami Dolphins can right their wrong of failing to properly tank in 2019 with a good ole-fashioned smear campaign against the very candidate they should want to cast for themselves: Joe Burrow. It’s just like in high school when you realize the only way the girl out of your league will ever settle on you for prom is if some anonymous malefactor spreads a venereal related rumor in the weeks ahead. But the Dolphins don’t even have to sink this low. They just need to spin some selective truths into a good ole-fashioned propaganda cocktail in an inception-like maneuver to convince the Bengals to balk on choosing Burrow as the team’s centerpiece for the next decade to come.

And I’m here to provide that consultation, Dolphin’s fans. I’m here to be your Leo.

So here’s the job:

Many people laugh at hand size being in any way relevant in predicting success for NFL quarterbacks. Pat Mahomes had relatively small hands (9.25″) and look at him. He’s one Dee Ford penalty away from being a two-time Super Bowl winning QB in all of two years as a starter. But for some reason, hand size is still valued in NFL front offices. Teams still find this metric… handy. And that’s really all that matters.

This is the play. The average male hand size is something like 8.5″, and 9.7″ for NFL quarterbacks. This makes Joe’s 9″ stumps on the far low end of the NFL distribution. You’ve got to find a way to prove that any QB with 9″ hands is going to bust; but you can’t lie. They’ll sniff that out. No need to worry. Here’s a list of every quarterback entering the league since 2010 with exactly 9″ hands like Joe Burrow. Get them to just view this list and the idea that a QB with 9″ hands could never last in the NFL will grasp them harder than anyone on this list could possibly squeeze.

Combine QBs with 9″ Hands (2010 – 2019)

Let’s drive that seed deep into the brain soil of the Bengals brass with a quick synopsis of the above 9″ club:

Jimmy Clausen – 2nd round pedigree + 9″ hands = 1-13 career record

– 2nd round pedigree + 9″ hands = 1-13 career record Max Hall – Career average of 1.5 AY/A

– Career average of 1.5 AY/A Zac Robinson – I have no idea who that is either

– I have no idea who that is either Ryan Tannehill – With one good year, holds a remarkably average 7.2 Y/A career average

– With one good year, holds a remarkably average 7.2 Y/A career average Colby Cameron – see Zac Robinson

– see Zac Robinson Matt Scott – You know what they say about people with two first names

– You know what they say about people with two first names Sean Mannion – The guy who started on the Vikings in Week 17 last year that made Kirk Cousins look like Joe Montana

– The guy who started on the Vikings in Week 17 last year that made Kirk Cousins look like Joe Montana Blake Simms – Pro Football Reference page:

Jared Goff – Compared to the rest of these guys, also looks like Joe Montana

– Compared to the rest of these guys, also looks like Joe Montana Christian Hackenberg – 2nd round pick with an impressive 4/0 (teams rostered on/NFL downs played) ratio

– 2nd round pick with an impressive 4/0 (teams rostered on/NFL downs played) ratio Austin Allen – ?

– ? Jake Browning – ??

– ?? Drew Lock – Remains to be seen if he’s better at quarterback or karaoke

– Remains to be seen if he’s better at quarterback or karaoke Brett Rypien – Nephew of NFL QB Mark Rypien, whom had not the heart to tell him he sucked

OK, so 9″ hands must be bad. But does this mean large hands must be good?

I scoured the books to find the NFL quarterback with the largest hands on record. Who might this be? You guessed it: Jim Druckenmiller. Let me tell you, this dude had some mitts. 11.25″. While the Jim Druckenmiller era finally came to an end after one start, he threw three interceptions in that game and mustered a 35.71 completion percentage. BUT… he got the win. 1-0 baby! He batted a perfect 1.000 and all due to his gloriously sized mitts.

So get to work Dolphins fans. Get on the phone, get on Reddit, Twitter, Facebook – MySpace if you really have to – whatever. Get this list out there for Cincinnati to see. NFL execs aren’t exactly the brightest crayons in the box so the moment they set eyes on this list could change the entire shape of your team’s franchise. It could really work. It could be reality. Really. I promise you, you’re not dreaming.

-El Jefe

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