I’m sitting here eating dark chocolate peanut brittle, fresh from an invigorating shower at 11AM on a weekday. Am I at a resort? Am I the President? I am not. I am, though, reaping the rewards of having an amazing, attentive Santa for the Hometown Exchange. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to San Francisco via San Francisco via Pittsburgh: an interactive text adventure!

First, let’s wake up. Your day began around 7:30AM, when you decided to work from home on a particularly onerous brief. Much law, very stock market. A quick browse on RedditGifts revealed many Hometown postings, and to your surprise, the doorbell rang as you read the last one. Now you would be the one to post!

9:00AM: Opening the box reveals a beautiful envelope and the sweet, sweet scent of mint and eucapyptus. Was this your long-awaited Man Booker awards basket? You pulled out the first bebubbled gift, carefully unwrapping to reveal the magic and wonder of MEAT IN THE MAIL MEAT IN THE MAIL OH MY GOD SALAMI uncured dry Italian salame, pungent and sweet, from Columbus Meats in Hayward, California, cured with California wine for a SF twist. This will be lunch.

9:10AM: You have recovered from the shock and awe of delicious charcuterie and are now onto the next package. Easy-to-open instant coffee, perfect for fumbling hands damned by the corporate world, is next, along with lychee popping candy. The package looks easier to open than an actual lychee and will make a fine briefcase addition for a pick-me-up after your 80,000th meeting.

9:12AM: Chocolate! In July! By now, you have arrived at the amazing conclusion that your Santa is, indeed, a real live wizard because only a wizard could send chocolate from one hot-ass place to another without summoning The Tears of a Thousand Calories Lost. Pause to consume all of the dark chocolate peanut brittle and delight knowing that you are consuming it without a shred of guilt as your partner dislikes peanut brittle. Honeybush tea dark chocolate and organic dark chocolate will be your partners in crime. Patience, dear chocolate. Your time will come.

9:25AM: Brush your teeth, please. And open those sweet-smelling packages. Yeah, you lucky dog, you just got soap from Mission Viejo. Wash your bad self. Don’t throw out the labels because they grow flowers. Time to marry San Francisco. Spearmint with charcoal and a stunning Comfrey herb shaving soap- excellent sleuthing, Santa. ;) Get your clean on, baby- and wait, what’s that?

9:30: THAT IS SOME BEER, SON. That is some San Franciscan stout and because there’s nobody else here, it appears to be for you. Stockyard and Drake’s Brewing are places you will certainly be checking out, and the cherry on top is a canister of spiced vanilla and bergamot tea. Now, when you get drunk, you can do so very calmly.

10:50AM: Chill beer. Drink beer. #showerselfies. Repeat. Read the amazing recommendations your Santa has painstakingly written, crossed out, typed, and corrected for you. Purchase an apartment in San Francisco. Compliment yourself on your shrewd manipulation of the housing market. Panic. Drink another beer.