WASHINGTON—Calling the procedure an “absolute necessity” to save her campaign, sources confirmed Thursday that Kamala Harris was rushed into emergency heart surgery immediately after seeing the positive reception Bernie Sanders received. “After seeing a sudden surge in thoughts, prayers, and monetary donations received by the Sanders 2020 campaign, Mrs. Harris was rushed into the operating room where doctors promptly inserted stents into several of her arteries,” said campaign manager Juan Rodriguez, adding that although she’d only been awake for a few hours, the surgery had already allowed the Democratic candidate to gain four points in the polls and grace the front page of every major national newspaper. “While the procedure was admittedly a shock to many, Mrs. Harris’s family and friends have thankfully reported that she’s already feeling 10 times more presidential. And to anyone who doubts her fitness for office, remember: Unlike Bernie, Kamala’s heart was never blocked in the first place.” At press time, Harris had reportedly surpassed Sanders, Warren, and Biden in popularity after contracting a deadly form of MRSA during her recovery.

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