Alright mate, just to let you know this is the part 2 article which will make more sense if you check out part 1 first.

How to be, what to do, what you’ll need, where to go.

How to be:

Don’t be the dumblefuck dickface who risks their life to impress others when pissed, (also when sober for that matter).

. Have a horrendous personality (Ha! Already got this one) – Dissuade potentially infectious friends from hanging out with you by turning them away with a terrible attitude.

What to do:

Strengthen your own defence – It’s no good relying on antibiotics now. Train your immune system and keep it in check with a healthy diet and exercise to prevent disease.

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Avoid Stress – When stressed, your body releases cortisol and your immune system is weakened. Opportunistic pathogens residing in your gut detect this cortisol and so begin releasing toxins to catch you whilst vulnerable. And BOOM, infection.

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Invest in Masterplast – Trust me on this one, their shares will skyrocket.

. Cover yourself in Masterplast – Go one step further and smother every inch of your body with a plaster exoskeleton. Not only will you be a walking advertisement for your shareholding product, but minor cuts will be a thing of the past. We recommend shredding and replastering yourself once a week.

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Reduce your use of antibacterial soaps now – Antibacterial soaps are proven to be a little more effective than conventional soap. But, a reduction of bacteria on your hands can actually increase viral numbers due to the lack of bacteria to destroy them , increasing your likelihood of catching colds and flu. Triclosan is the antibacterial additive they add in soaps which can negatively impact your health. Studies have found triclosan to mess with the thyroid hormone in rats and frog s. This impact has yet to be realised in humans, but it is certainly a concern with the potential to cause infertility, obesity, and cancer. Also, the excess antimicrobial (from the soap) that washes down your sink enters natural waterways causing havoc in ecosystems, including contributing to antibacterial resistance.

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No one is safe to sleep with – Avoid sleeping with anyone called Cindy the slag, Tommy the gun or Chad. They’re probably riddled with gonorrhoea, 2 in every 1000 people have it and no amount of latex could keep you safe from them.

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Guinea pig yourself – we need to know if new antibiotics work, for now, and the future… I’ll just leave this here.

What you’ll need:

Monies – there’s no doubt the rich will be the first to get any new effective treatment before anyone else. But you should be rich by this point anyway due to your shares in Masterplast. Sorted.

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A sewing kit and a well-trained surgeon who owes you a favour – Daniel Fells was an American football player who had to retire and almost had his foot amputated because of MRSA that infected the tissue in his ankle. It’s uncommon, but can happen and even spread to other limbs requiring multiple amputations making you no more than a nugget.

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Alcohol – Our most ancient and possibly most effective antimicrobial. Also helps soften the hardship of knowing that you’re now no more than just a nugget child. Perhaps recruit some armed help in swigging the bottle.

Where to go:

As far from humanity as possible . It’s a myth that the cold makes you sick. Scientists believe that the increase of infection during winter is due to everyone staying indoors. Your close proximity to a gazillion people each day provides opportunity for pathogens to jump from one person to the next. Get away from ‘em.

Modern humans have been about for roughly 200,000 years. Antibiotics will last us about 100 years. This means we would have only had them for 0.05% of our existence. Then what? We just go back to the dark ages?

Maybe.

But we managed to survive up until this point right?

Well no, lives ended 50% sooner with horrific bulbous-like swellings that would ooze out our very existence until we lost the will to live.

…So what’s the world doing to prevent this apocalyptic scenario?

I’ve made a list of solutions. For each solution, I’ve created an almost arbitrary partially biased score of its potential effectiveness based on its past success, funding interest, and current success. It’s called the layman score and it’s out of 10.

Bacteriophages

What are they? Viruses that naturally prey on bacteria. Look like the lunar lander that first put man on the moon.

Why should I care? Currently a strong contender for aiding antibiotics, possibly replacing them. You’re not likely to get treated with them anytime soon as they haven’t yet been approved by the FDA. However, in extreme cases, patients have been treated and cured of multidrug-resistant infections whilst using bacteriophage combined with antibiotics.

Layman Score: 7

Predatory Bacteria

What are they? Bacteria that eat bacteria.

Why should I care? Bdellovibrio bacteriovorus was found to act like a “living antibiotic” killing 75% of pathogenic bacteria Shigella in fish larvae over 3 days. Yet to be tested in live animals. Very far from therapeutic introduction.

Layman Score: 4

Nanoparticles

What are they? Made from plastics or metals, they act to destroy the pathogen or just absorb its toxins.

Why should I care? Relatively new yet already showing promise. Mice injected with alpha-haemolysin toxin (from MRSA) totally neutralized it despite the toxin outnumbering the nanosponge 70:1. Human clinical trials expected to begin in the next year to two.

Layman Score: 7

Antimicrobial peptides (Tiny Proteins)

What are they? A short string of amino acids found in plants, microbes and other animals. The AMP’s small size allows it to play havoc with larger proteins in (e.g.) pathogens.

Why should I care? Bacteria struggle to develop resistance to them and they work on an extensive range of different bacterial species. In mice, they were found to almost completely eradicate a multidrug-resistant E. coli and MRSA infection after 24 hours.

Layman Score: 5 (Still very expensive to produce)

New Antibiotics

What are they? The focus of this entire article.

Why should I care? Chances are, without them you wouldn’t be alive right now to read this. We know they can work, however, the WHO reports that only 8 of the 51 antibiotics currently in clinical development are likely to add value to our current drugs on offer.

Layman Score: 8

Among these, incredibly fast detection and accurate diagnosis from next-gen sequencing and minicare i-20 will greatly enhance our ability to avoid abusing these new solutions, (like we have with our previous antimicrobials), by indicating whether an infection can be treated with antibacterial treatments, (or whether the illness is viral).

I’d like to think that these solutions have put a light and positive spin on the morbidly dark reality that we all face towards our approaching apocalyptic turmoil.

But hey, at least now we can just show off our STD collection instead of notches on the bedpost.

#stdsfornotches