Mike Fisher shows parents how to deal with their rage. He’s busier than ever – partly because children would rather be on social media or gaming

“It’s hard to know the difference between parenting and bullying,” admits Matt, father of two and one of a growing number of parents seeking help to control what they see as unacceptable levels of anger towards their children. Matt is an articulate and successful self-employed businessman in his 40s. After he split up from their mother five years ago, his two sons, then 11 and 14, started to act up by answering back, skipping homework, drinking and taking drugs. It marked the start of a phase of intense anger for Matt, who eventually sought help.

“I have on a few occasions grabbed my eldest son by the scruff of his neck and shouted in his face. I couldn’t understand why they don’t do what I want them to do. Even now they make me question my skills as a parent.”

He’s not alone.

Over two decades, Mike Fisher has seen first-hand the effect of anger on children and their parents. Since setting up the British Association of Anger Management in 1999, he has worked with tens of thousands of people, helping them to manage and understand their anger. For the past 13 years he has also delivered one-day workshops specifically aimed at parental anger, for Ealing council in west London. The course is always heavily oversubscribed.

“We always have to turn people away and put them on a waiting list for the next one,” says Kate Subanney, Ealing’s parent commissioner, whose idea it was to get Mike involved.

The parents she sends his way have all been referred to her by social services, the NHS, police, or solicitors, but Mike is quick to dispel any assumption that they come from one demographic. “I’d say at least 20% are middle-class parents and are particularly well-educated and affluent. Yet social services are involved. It really is across the board.”

Children are bored out of their skulls by real life. Meaning they are becoming less and less cooperative

What is the atmosphere like at the beginning of his courses? “The parents are often apprehensive, scared, and suspicious. They feel like failures. We all assume that other parents are better than us, they are more equipped. But when people come to these courses, and they start hearing each other’s stories, they realise we’re all challenged with the same things.”

The parents are there because the stakes are high: unless they work on their anger, their children could be taken away. Or they have to learn how to control their anger before they are allowed to see their children at all. I imagine, in this context, that Mike has heard some shocking things. “We don’t go into what goes on behind closed doors. We only get a tenth of the story, if we’re lucky,” he says.

There is a taboo attached to parental anger – when Ealing council advertised Mike’s courses as Anger Management for Parents, hardly anyone showed up. “There is too much shame. We had to rename it Understanding Anger in Parents,” says Mike.

But we know anger is there. With depressing regularity, angry parents pushed to their limits make the news. But, as Mike says, non-fatal episodes of anger cause long-term damage too. According to him, anger is the number one threat to not just our health but also the wellbeing of the 18.7 million families in Britain. Does he think the problem is getting worse? Are we getting angrier?

“Definitely.”

But why?

It’s hard for British parents to own up to their own feelings ... we resort instead to shaming and blaming the child

“The most common theme in my parenting classes is that the biggest trigger for anger is children’s lack of co-operation,” Mike says. “But we’re living in a world of information overload. Children have access to incredible information, such as social media and apps. It’s instant gratification and just another distraction from being present. That can have a catastrophic effect on children. They are consumed by social media and games, staying up later and becoming preoccupied. They are bored out of their skulls by real life. Meaning they are becoming less and less cooperative. And parents are getting angrier about it every year.”

Part of the reason that parents get so angry is lack of emotional articulacy. “It is hard for British parents to own up to their own feelings. There’s a lack of education around it. So I don’t have parents actually telling a child that they feel angry or scared or vulnerable. When we’re running late, tired or stressed, instead of telling our children how we feel, we resort instead to shaming and blaming the child.”

So parents are guilty of projecting their own stresses on to their children? “Exactly. And we’re living in a world getting more stressful all the time. There’s no opportunity for peace and quiet because of the nature of our lifestyles and environments. If we don’t know how to manage it, it all gets projected. People dump on their children all the time.”

Despite the explosion of online emotional sharing, Mike thinks that fundamentally, the British stiff upper lip remains embedded in our psyche. “We hold on to our resentment, we hold on to our anger – we see the inside and just act it out.”

Is parenting idealised to the point that people are doomed to fail and then get furious about it? “As a culture, there is something about doing things well that we really value. It feeds our confidence or self-esteem, so we strive for perfection. When we don’t achieve that we blame our children.”

He makes it clear that once people become parents, they are unwittingly drawn into an invisible, tangled web of competition with not just their partner but also their peer group and their own past. “One of the reasons parents put themselves under too much pressure is because of the way they were brought up. Either they don’t want to parent their children the way they were, so they overextend themselves and over-compensate. Or their parents were brilliant and people try to match that, which can be competitive too.”

Plus, there’s another strain on parents’ stretched resources. Mike asks me to imagine that we are married with a child. “Let’s say that you seek perfection in your parenting. And I’m a relaxed parent. Think about the pressure you’re putting me under.

“As kids get older, parents might find that they are better or worse equipped to deal with their children. For example, I might be better equipped to handle them when they are babies, but you might be better when they are teenagers. The combative nature of that imbalance affects the health of the family system. Not to mention competing against our peers.”

Mike is careful not to demonise people who get angry with their children. “I feel honoured to be working with them. And you have to remember, when people are angry they just care too much. They’re deeply sensitive, and they get frustrated. Some of the nicest people I’ve ever met have been my clients.”

The problem is, being nice doesn’t seem to be enough of a safeguard when it comes to our children.

For more information, go to angermanage.co.uk

Angry? Try some of Mike’s techniques



1. Try to cue your child in when you’re feeling angry. Communicate your vulnerabilities to them, let them know what’s going on with you. That’s what I call clean anger, and it’s much easier to understand.

2. If you do get angry, apologise. So many parents don’t, yet they expect their own children to. Try to let them know what happened and why.

3. Listen to your children – you don’t always know better. Perhaps they do have a point. Perhaps they don’t need to do what you want, immediately.

4. Use an anger journal – it’s a way of letting the anger have a space so you don’t have to carry it all the time.

5. Get support. Reach out to your friends, other parents, people who can help. Don’t try to do it on your own. Isolation can make things worse.