Art sweetly imitated life this week on True Blood, as Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer got married over the weekend, so too did their fictional alter egos affirm their love (well, one of them did, anyway). The nightmarish vows went as such.



Sookie: If my blood is so delicious, does that mean your feelings for me are based on that?

Bill: No! Though it definitely drew me to you at first [cue Sookie and Bill love theme]. Sookie … it is not your blood I love. I love YOU. Your mind, your heart, your soul. And I will forswear ever feeding on you again if that’s what it takes to convince you of that. You have brought light back into my life. And hope. And gratitude. That is why I love you. Nothing else.

Aw, how cute. And then he smashed the glass and kissed the bride. Mazel tov! (Just switch “delicious blood” for “second-youngest Oscar winner in history” and you can imagine Paquin and Moyer’s pre-engagement conversation.) This episode reined in the sex a bit so as to be heavier on character development — the source of Sam’s anger was revealed, the reason for Lafayette and Jesus’s deep connection came to light, and we got to see Crystal’s feline side. Of course, the big news was that finally, thank Maryann!, we learned what the heck Sookie is. Some people complain that with the fairies, vampires, werewolves, and now Wiccans and sorcerers and conjurers, this show is getting too sprawling for its own good. To those people we say: “How f-ing lame.” Bring on the various supernaturals!

Well, God-fucking-damn-it, Sookie Is a Fairy

As she puts it: “How fucking lame.” Bill figured it out after his visit to fairy-land and his encounter with Claudine (thankfully we didn’t have to go back there this week — it looked like the cheesy set of a high-school production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream ). “Apparently a Fae coupled with one of your human ancestors; the Fae were known for breeding with humans, sometimes against the human’s will,” Bill explains to an incredulous Sookie. “My people are rapists!?” she concludes. Apparently! “Every supernatural I have ever met believes the Fae were wiped out of existence … by vampires,” Bill goes on. Dun-dun-dun! “According to legend, fairy blood is delectable and intoxicating to vampires. Yours is the most delicious blood I’ve ever tasted,” he says.

So it’s finally clear why Sophie-Anne sent Bill looking for Sooks, though Bill still neglects to mention this fact to her, even after Eric (who flies in to confirm that Sookie’s blood does, in fact, protect vampires from the sun) goads him into telling Sookie the truth. Eric dramatically bids her farewell — “Do what you want; I won’t be around much longer anyway. I wish you the best Sookie Stackhouse [smoldering look].”

Obviously, Sookie can’t resist seeing that hot Swede once again (get out of my dreams, and into my mouth!), and she trots over to Fangtasia to try to figure out why Eric keeps telling her not to trust Bill. And folks, this leads to the make-out session of all make-out sessions. Alexander Skarsgard towers over Anna Paquin, and upon saying good-bye, he grabs her head and starts to kiss her. At first, Sookie resists, but she eventually gives in, as we all would, to Eric’s advances, and they passionately kiss for a few glorious seconds. AND IT’S AMAZING. Until Eric, at Pam’s behest (“blah, blah, vampire emergency, blah”) realizes that using Sookie in order to survive is probably smarter than playing tonsil hockey with her for the rest of the afternoon. So into the torture chamber Sookie goes; that’s what she gets for Frenching the eight-foot-tall undead viking prince. Random hook-ups always end badly in this world, it seems.

Booty count: The make-out we’ve all been waiting for.

Russell Finds His Pretty Woman

Speaking of hook-ups gone awry, Russell reappears for a few moments, looking for action and carrying around a messenger bag filled with Talbot’s sticky remains. He’s deranged with grief, and locates a prostitute with curly black hair, who, if you squint hard enough, resembles his dead husband. “I’ll give you more than you could ever dream of,” Russell creepily tells the prostie before sleeping with him. “I’m so sorry Talbot,” he cries in bed. “Tony,” the doomed hooker corrects him. “It’s all my fault. I will never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, with no one holding your hand,” sniffs Russell. “It is one thing to face eternity without you, but to have not been with you at the true death … ” he continues, and then stakes the poor guy in the heart, cuddling with him as Talbot’s face morphs into his. Aw, it’s sad and sweet and sick, all at the same time. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our good-byes,” he says. Denis O’Hare (literally) kills this scene; he’s so believable as a bloodsucking psychopath.

Body count: One dead prostitute and a weepy Russell.



Protect and Serve

Poor Jason, so torn up is he about killing Franklin and Eggs (and playing a part in that kidnapped vampire’s death). After he and Tara scoop up Franklin’s remains, Jason’s stuck with the unenviable job of trying to protect Sookie from all the various bad guys after her (there are a lot!), and he falls apart. He finally confesses to Sookie that he was the one who killed Eggs, and she insists he tell Tara the truth. “I’m good at protecting people. It’s like the only thing I do right, and that’s what I’m doing,” he says. “You’re not protecting her” — says Sookie annoyingly — “You’re lying to her.” “They ain’t always so different,” Jason observes. He brings Tara breakfast in bed, sweetly comforts her as she cries (“You, you’re good. I can count on you,” Tara tearfully tells him), and doesn’t freak out when she starts to kiss him. God, Tara has been though a lot, even for this show. “I’m so totally fucked up!” she yells, which, for some reason, prompts Jason to finally spit it out. “I shot Eggs,” he confesses. She runs away, and it turns out that Sookie has left in the meantime, and Jason has failed his job, yet again. Bill reprimands him, but Jason smartens up and kicks him out of the house, only to be greeted by Crystal, in the form of a black, growling panther. “Mama,” Jason whimpers.

Booty count: A few grief-induced pecks.

We Know Why the Caged Dog Drinks

Sam spends this episode stumbling around drunk, and we finally get a clue, in flashback form, as to why he viciously beat up Crystal’s dad. It turns out that Sam was a bit of a thief before opening Merlott’s — we see him in 2003, stubble-less with skeavy slicked-back hair, as he empties out a bag of stolen jewelry with a diamond-happy blonde whom he’s clearly in love with. Too bad she’s double-crossing him with her other boyfriend, who puts a gun to Sam’s head and makes off with the jewelry and the chick. Later on, Sam catches up with them in cute doggy form, though things quickly turn not-cute as Sam ends up shooting both his former lover and her beau (after stealing his pants: “Give me your fucking pants!” Way harsh, Sam).

Body count: Two good-for-nothings, way back in 2003.

Like Brother, Like Brother

Tommy’s still a little tool, but at least now his uncontrollable testosterone makes a bit more sense. He puts the moves on an uninterested Jessica, who’d just awesomely let Arlene have it: “Okay, we get it, you don’t like vampires. Well I don’t like narrow-minded, skinny bitches with bad dye jobs,” Jessica hisses at a terrified Arlene. Tommy reveals this gave him “total wood.” Gross. Tommy, who looks like a bizarro, evil Elijah Wood, doesn’t understand Jessica’s love for Hoyt, and gets especially pissed when he sees the two reconciling after Hoyt mercifully cuts his insufferable (though “warm” chested) girlfriend loose. So pissed, in fact, that he, as a bulldog, attacks Hoyt as he leaves Merlott’s, biting through his entire arm. Jessica comes out at just the right moment, throws Tommy off of Hoyt, and then saves his life by making him drink her blood as Tommy watches angrily from the woods. “I love you, too. Now drink my blood!” Jessica entreats. Ah, romance, True Blood–style. Gives us a warm feeling inside.

Which Is a Witch?

On to Lafayette and Jesus’s magical mystery tour. After saving Crystal’s dad with V (who’s totally ungrateful), Jesus convinces Lafayette to take a little trip with him. What comes next is a drug-addled ride through Jesus and Lafayette’s ancestry, complete with voodoo dolls, fertility treatments, and the boys speaking through each other’s mouths. It’s creepy to say the least, though the close-up camera angles and fuzziness are reminiscent of most any drug scene you’ll find in Hollywood. What’s revealed is that Jesus comes from a line of sorcerers (his grandfather, especially, is powerful and scary), while Lafayette’s bloodline is filled with conjurers, which is why, clearly, they’re a good match. We’re no fans of trippy drug scenes, but at least we got some plot development in this one. Now if only we could figure out Jesus’s true intentions for our beloved Lafayette.

Meanwhile, Holly continues to pop up in story lines, leading us to believe that she’s more than just a human Wiccan. She offers Sam a remedy for his anger issues. And after Arlene tells Terry, finally, that the baby is Rene’s and not his (to which he reacts so nicely: “I will raise that child as my own … I want to marry you, and together we will surround that baby with more love than it can handle”), she still goes to Holly to see if there’s a way to get rid of it, that’s not abortion. Maybe one of these days we’ll learn what Holly actually is, though if the show sticks to its precedents, it will be a long, long time coming.