One of my favorite movies is Magnolia. I know, I know. A LOT of people hate this movie, like, with the fire of a million billion fiery suns. I get it. But I adore it. Which is funny, because it stars one of my least-favorite actors on the entire planet.

Tom Cruise makes me nervous. It’s the teeth. And the grinning. And the laugh. And the couch-jumping. And the Scientology, but really, anyone into any religion that insanely would make me nervous. And the “Matt you’re so GLIB.” And the arrogance. And that I think probably he’s got his wife in some sort of drugged up cult haze. And in Rob Lowe’s autobiography, he came across as a gigantic douchenozzle. And I totally like Rob Lowe. If Rob Lowe says you’re a douchenozzle, you probably are. AND THE TEETH. Also, I didn’t even like him when all the girls were all “SQUEE SQUEE” back in Top Gun days, because he’s short and wee. I hate short and wee men with little-man complexes.

Also, once, I was sort of bashing him on Twitter? But only a little? And HE TOTALLY STARTED FOLLOWING ME. No, not a Tom Cruise FAN BOT or something. THE REAL TOM CRUISE. With the blue check next to his name and EVERYTHING. So I’m pretty sure he’s coming to eat me with those gigantic teeth any day now.

So, anyway. Magnolia. In Magnolia, Cruise plays Frank “T.J.” Mackey, who’s a love guru who runs this live infomercial thing called “Seduce and Destroy.” And I totally hate Cruise. Like, in EVERYTHING. Even Tropic Thunder, where everyone was all “HE’S SO FUNNY,” I was disgusted when his shouty ass came on screen. I know. He’s coming to eat me any day. If I stop posting, you’ll know to check his stool for little chunks of me, right? Right. ANYWAY. I love him in Magnolia. I can only assume it’s the writing and directing, because it sure as hell isn’t Cruise.

Here’s a scene of Mackey doing his seminar for men, teaching them how to both seduce AND destroy. It’s got some naughty language. I promise I have a point and this clip ties into it. But if you hate naughty language, it’s ok to skip it. I’ll still love you. (SPEAKING OF NAUGHTY LANGUAGE SIDE NOTE! At the theater last night? There was this group of children from a school who all looked like they couldn’t be more than probably 14 or 15? And they were TOTALLY CUSSING THE MOST YOU GUYS. Like, SO MUCH USE OF THE EFF WORD. Is that normal? Really? I didn’t use the eff word out LOUD until college, at least. Because I thought it would send me directly to hell without stopping to pass Go OR collect $200. Little baby-faced teenagers are saying it like it’s just another word? Is this worrisome or am I being an old person about this? I totally wanted to go wash their little mouths out with all the Lava soap. My stars and garters.)

As you can see, Mackey is teaching a conference room at the HoJo’s or something how to seduce and destroy ladies. It’s both hysterical and sad.

WELL! @grngeekgirl, my partner in crime over at Insatiable Booksluts, pointed THIS out to me the other day.

ZOMG YOU GUYS. Real-life T.J. Mackeys. REAL LIFE T.J. MACKEYS.

There’s a call for this? IN REAL LIFE?

I can’t even. NOT EVEN.

So! From the about page, we see that these people are J.D. Dallas and Johnny Bravo, running this thing called the “Modern Male Lifestyle.” The “Modern Male Lifestyle” means you walk into bars and you pick up ALL THE LADIES just by using ALL THESE TECHNIQUES. I mean, all the ladies. ALL. No lady is immune. EVEN STRIPPERS AREN’T IMMUNE. This is AMAZING.

This is J.D. Dallas. No, I am not 100% sure what’ s going on in this photo, either. He’s playing with a guitar while ignoring a girl who looks embarrassed to be there, based on her posture. Also, is the “modern male lifestyle” sneering? That’s sure to get a lot of embarrassed women and guitars into your bed. Oh, and suitcases. I think there’s a suitcase over there, too. He also wrote a book about how to pick up women on MySpace, which I’m sure is selling a LOT of copies.

ZOMG this is Johnny Bravo. I feel a chill. IT IS BECAUSE MY PANTIES JUST FELL TO THE FLOOR. THROUGH MY JEANS. According to his bio, which has some really odd random capitalization, he used to be into “world of war craft” but then started learning the rules of being a “PUA” (that is PICK UP ARTIST, come on, people, if you can’t learn the terminology, I don’t know if I can work with you here) and now NO WOMAN IS OUT OF HIS REACH NO WOMAN.

OK. Here’s the scoop. I have a lot of male readers. And you know what? I love you to pieces. I totally want you to get laid. So, because I love you all, I’m going to help YOU become a PUA (you remember what that is, right? Pick up artist. Seriously, if I have to keep holding your hand through this, it’s going to be a long haul) so YOU, TOO, can wear an awesome hat and ripped-up jeans in a doorway or get an embarrassed girl, just like Johnny or J.D. I am going to READ THIS WEBSITE and GLEAN THE MOST HELPFUL TIPS FOR YOU.

Oh, probably this might work for my lesbian readers, too. So also this is for you. Just switch out “male” for “female” and you’re golden. Sorry, straight female readers. Also, married and coupley male readers, this COULD work for you, but probably don’t use these tips. I don’t want to break up your happy home. I’d feel terrible. And gay male readers, this won’t work for you at all. Also, I don’t think you would wear a kickin’ cowboy hat and rippy jeans, anyway.

I know. I can hear you starting to cry tears of joy. Please just invite me to your weddings. I do so love wedding cake. Why does it always taste better than regular cake? It’s like it’s baked with magic.

Become an Alpha Male

First, you have to become an Alpha Male. Apparently, that’s the key to this whole thing. Alpha males are winners and can screw all the strippers. Beta males are apparently losers who lose.

Here are some traits of Alpha Males. THESE ARE TOTALLY IMPORTANT YO.

Never makes excuses. For example, if he doesn’t want to ride a roller coaster, he doesn’t say, “I don’t want to ride that roller coaster, because I am scared of heights and also might hork into your hair.” He INSTEAD says, and I QUOTE, “Roller coasters? Nah, that’s not me. Let’s do something cool instead.” So, as you can see, not only did you get out of rollin’ and coastin’, you subtly insulted your female friend. TWO FOR ONE BABY.

Is confident and honey badger don’t give a shit about what people say about him.

Talks slowly and in deep tones, and his movements are smooth. His movements are like he’s “walking through water.” Like Barry White, I’m thinking. Like a merman Barry White.

Never apologizes for his desires and beliefs. NEVER.

Does not have a big ego – has an ego that is his ally. “Here is the truth: big egos are a result of low-esteem, lack of control over emotion, and too many female feelings.” ZOMG. You do NOT want too many female feelings, Alphas! What’s next, getting in the kitchen and making up a mess of pie or something?

Does not get jealous. “He laughs at the thought of his girlfriend choosing another guy over him.” LAUGHS I TELL YOU LAUGHS. Uproariously.

Now you are totally an Alpha, but what do you do? You can’t sit at home. There are women to conquer like wolves in the night. WHAT DO YOU DO.

Well! Don’t fret, my little butterbeans!

Johnny Bravo says you should:

Join online communities of pick up artists. I guess you can share techniques with them? Because I’m sure the people in the community aren’t really losers in their mom’s basements eating HoHos in the dark.

Join a local lair. A LAIR. This shit is getting REAL. I hope there are FRESH KILLS and SPOOR in the lair. Oh, wait, it’s not a wolf lair, nevermind. Apparently, it’s a place where all the PUAs go to be together and share tips for how best to get ALL THE LADIES. Apparently, if you hang out with your regular friends who have known you forever as you embark on your new lifestyle as a playa, those friends might “hold you back.” You need a wolfpack, yo.

Next, you need to study the THEORY of being a PUA. If you want to study Johnny and J.D.’s theory, it’s available but you totally have to pay for it. Apparently there are places you can get other theories but they’re probably not as good. I mean, scroll back up there. HE HAS A GIRL IN HIS BED YOU GUYS. A REAL LIVE GIRL. Who I assume has REAL WOMAN-BOOBIES. I mean, do you NEED any more proof?

Go to a training or boot camp. BOOT CAMP. This is NOT dicking around. No no no. I hope they ask you to spit-shine your shoes or do KP duty or something. That’s how you know it’s a real boot camp.

Go out in “the field” and practice technique. I guess that doesn’t mean a real field like with cow shit in it. I think it means bars. Bring money. You’re probably going to have to buy a lot of drinks and shit, and also on your way home you’ll be sad so you’ll want to stop at Taco Bell and buy Fourth Meal.

Now, both Johnny Bravo and J.D. have some articles they’ve written with helpful tips. And, to help YOU, my little budding PUAs, I’ve read them ALL* (*not many of them at all) and pulled out the tips that I think would totally help you in your quest. LISTEN. I think you all will be getting laid tonight. Barring that, the Chicken Quesadillas at Taco Bell are really tasty. There’s nothing embarrassing about Fourth Meal. NOTHING.

TIPS FROM JOHNNY BRAVO

Ask random questions that are not at all creepy

Examples:

“You must plan your own death. How old are you? How does it happen? And what is the funeral like?”

This is a GOOD QUESTION to ask at a bar. I’m pretty sure the minute you ask it, the girl will be humping your leg like a Scottie dog, right? I mean, nothing turns someone on more than talking about pre-planning their funeral. FUNERAL PLANNING IS SEXAY.

Make her talk about high school

“…for the most part, we tend to remember all the good times – how wonderful it was to be in high school for example, even though when you were there it seemed like hell. But now we remember it fondly. So ask her about, say, high school. And when she goes on that’s the time to pull her in. While she’s experiencing these good feelings, she’s looking at YOU. And she associates your face with feeling good, innocent and fun. Then she’s into you.”

Oh, this is EXCELLENT. YES. Please use this. Please grab me at a bar and start talking to me about THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE while maintaining creepy eye contact and refusing to change the subject. This will get me into your bed faster than you can say “I was a victim of childhood bullying for years and years and I still cringe when I hear a locker door slam!”

Know what women want

According to Johnny Bravo, that is “someone to take charge, be confident, and have zero insecurities.” I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE TOLD ME WHAT I WANT WHOO.

Also, according to this totally helpful article, women want:

you to never email, text, or call them

you to tell them stories like the following: “I ate a Rattle Snake once, riding on a four wheeler through the desert, and ran that bitch over, it was all wigglin’ and shit, grabbed it up, and cooked it over an open flame.” (I’m sorry, a., this made me laugh so hard I snorted, and b., does this NOT sound so much like something I’d write? Hee! I mean, not the CONTENT, but the DELIVERY.)

you to ask them for their number, then shove it in your pocket and say, “I’ll add it to the list of women’s numbers I got tonight and call you, maybe”

you to do magic tricks or play the guitar

you to “peacock” which is apparently to dress like a gigantic douchebag like with a hat with a feather or something because that will make you stand out in a crowd and also make everyone want to take a ride on your pocket rocket and not laugh at you until they get a side-cramp

I expect you to learn these things and start practicing them, seriously. I can’t expect you to get all the ladies until you do them.

TIPS FROM J.D. DALLAS

Don’t be nice

If you are nice, then women WIN. You don’t want women to WIN, do you? No. According to J.D. Dallas, you want to be the man inside your man. Or – well, I’ll let him tell you: “Be the man inside you – the volcanic eruption below the surface – and you’ll start to experience the success you desire. Trust me, it’s in there. You just need to let it out.”

VOLCANIC ERUPTIONNNNN

Also, I am officially getting creeped out reading J.D. Dallas’s blog because I think I know where the Twitter spambots are getting their profile pictures. SO MANY GROSS SHOTS OF PLASTIC CHICKS IN BIKINIS MAKING DUCKFACE YOU GUYS.

Ignore her and/or lie to her

If she texts you asking what you’re doing, either tell her you’re busy or don’t answer. She’ll love that. Because you don’t want her to think you’re available whenever she wants you to be. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE PEOPLE.

Don’t act like a lady

Women are emotional! And insane! THEY WILL BUY TEN PAIRS OF SHOES! And SPEND THE RENT MONEY ON THEM! HA HA! But not men, no no! And you know how opposites attract? Crazy women like CALM RATIONAL MANLY MEN. So if YOU act crazy and womanly, women won’t want you! Act like a MAN! Probably THUMP YOUR CHEST and GROWL!

I don’t exactly know what this says about you if you WANT one of these insane women who would spend the rent on shoes and not a nice normal woman who spends the rent on…oh, I don’t know…RENT. But I am not J.D. Dallas. I DON’T HAVE REGRETFUL WOMEN IN MY BED AND ALSO GUITARS.

Now you have TIPS and you are an ALPHA MALE and you are READY TO HIT THE DATING SCENE. Also, probably bring protection. You’re totally going to be having all the sex with regretful duckfaced girls. And the website says you also need to work out a lot. I don’t know when you’re going to have time to do all of this, so probably quit your job. There are also about fifty sections on how to score with exotic dancers. People want to sleep with exotic dancers? Really? That seems sad to me. Don’t they think that’s a bad idea and probably that will end badly? Life isn’t Pretty Woman, you know?

Then I was thinking, back in the day, my roommate and I used to watch this show that made us laugh like morons on VH1 called The Pickup Artist that starred this guy called Mystery trying to turn losery men into PUAs and it was the worst because THIS was what Mystery looked like and he purportedly could get every woman he wanted:

Seriously, this guy would give tips like the ones above (he had a friend whose name was Matador, no, I’m totally serious) and the two of them would go into bars and Mystery would be wearing this HUGE FURRY HAT and sometimes there would be goggles on it and he has a neck tattoo of lips and he’d be all, “I’m PEACOCKING” and my roommate and I would laugh so hard we almost died. It was obvious the bar was filled with extras because no one in the bar even pointed and laughed when he came in like I’d have been doing. Why aren’t there awesome shows like this on anymore? I feel cheated.

Here is a random video of him teaching a room full of women how to…sway? I’m not sure what’s happening here. Also, I don’t remember him sounding this Canadian. It makes me laugh.

BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND.

Anyway. You now have the tools you need at your disposal! To summarize:

Lie constantly.

Treat women like disposable shit.

Be super-cool, to the point of meanness.

Get a guitar and a suitcase and put them on your bed.

Get a large hat of some sort. Either cowboy or furry will do.

Learn some magic.

Get your shots up-to-date because you’re totally going to be exposed to syphilis.

Also, I just think it bears mention that you might want to go somewhere that the women you’re trying to pick up have either all had lobotomies or have been exposed to high levels of toxic gases so are extraordinarily drugged-out. Because otherwise I think maybe they might either walk away laughing or be onto your clever ruses in like .0004 seconds. Or laugh at your hats.

I’d wish you good luck but I’m pretty sure Alphas don’t NEED luck. Alphas either make their OWN luck or they TAKE IT LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT.

Have fun, my naughty friends. Don’t blame me if you have so many women outside your house you have to beat them off with sticks! (Disclaimer: please don’t beat anyone with sticks, thanks.)