SARATOGA, NY—Completely embarrassing himself in front of dozens of visitors to the park as well as his fellow riders, pathetic 4-year-old Jeremy Tufts reportedly needed his father to stand right next to him on the merry-go-round platform for the entire duration of the ride Wednesday. “It’s unbelievable that this kid can’t even handle just sitting there while the carousel spins around without having his goddamn dad at his side the whole time,” said onlooker Janet Henrich, watching with disgust as the pitiful youngster repeatedly looked over his shoulder to make sure his father was still nearby after the ride started in motion and the accompanying circus music began to play. “Just look at this idiot. It’s not like he’s riding a roller coaster or anything—it’s just a plastic horse that slowly goes up and down a little bit. The kid in front of him is doing fine by himself. God, what a little wimp.” At press time, Christ, here come the waterworks.

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