There’s a myth in our culture. It is one that maintains that conservatives are “uptight” about sex and progressives are just so forward thinking on the issue. And it is just that: a myth. The only difference is conservatives don’t think the government having its nose in everything is a good idea. It’s kind of ironic that progressives, who are forever saying, “Stay out of our bedroom!” want the government directly involved with all things related to sex.

Maybe that’s why they’re not very good at it.

Let’s go to the highlights:

Obtaining birth control. Something that until 2011 was easy to obtain and didn’t require government assistance or law majors in reproductive justice. Sex, like anything, requires a certain level of competence.

Keep that in mind guys, the next time you find yourself on a date with a girl who can’t figure out how to obtain and purchase birth control without government doing the heavy lifting.

Sex Education

The progressive solution to failing schools is to, of course, displace challenging coursework with sex education. Although there’s nothing like your nervous gym teacher awkwardly lecturing you about birth control and sex, the left misunderstands conservative’s objections to taking up school time on this topic.

It’s not hard. It’s easy for any parent to provide this information to their kids in the way they’d like to explain it. We are fundamentally perplexed as to why the left finds it so confusing that it requires course work. There’s a pretty large incentive to reproduce in the human race and we’ve made it this far without having “education”. It’s just remarkable that the human race has survived so long without a progressive teaching them about sex!

Orgasms

Numerous studies have reconfirmed what we all suspected. “Conservatives are having better sex. More satisfying, more loving sex, and more orgasms. Yep, you heard that right. Republicans—and conservative Republicans, for that matter—reported the highest frequency of orgasm of all of the survey respondents, despite having the least amount of sex. More than half of those who identified as conservative Republicans said they reached climax almost every time they had sex, compared with just 40 percent of liberal Democrats.”

Sadly Democrats are having more sex and its still bad. I guess for some people, practice isn’t making perfect. It’s in fact leading to quotes like this from women:

“Many of the women explained that they felt like “masturbation toys.” Women were dissatisfied with the sexual skills of their partners, but they also often de-prioritized their own pleasure. One woman, who had hooked up with 13 men in her first year, confessed that she had not been given a single orgasm. “I was just a warm body being used to make a guy have an orgasm.”

“I feel like a “sex toy” with “three holes and two hands.”

“My sexuality was filled with anxiety and my need to please the guy instead of worrying about my own pleasure.”

“… even if I was in charge I did not make sure I was being pleased.”

“…the guy kind of expects to get off, while the girl doesn’t expect anything…” Not surprisingly, Wade reports that men receive more oral sex than they did 20 years ago, while women receive less.”

Perhaps progressive men think government is going to solve this actual war on women…

Real Men

Ladies, do you really want a man who’s main motivation is to drag you to the abortion clinic after unfulfilling sex, where you both fret over how to recycle the condom? Maybe for once, not worrying about your carbon footprint and getting the job done might be the fix you need. There’s another alternative. Might I recommend…..a Republican:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’d think Democrats would be better in the sack, because they’re usually, well…better human beings in general. Plus, they’re so em-oh-tional and sen-sitive and they genuinely care about your day. And how you feel. And how you felt yesterday. “Is there anything you need?” they whimper. Oh, shutthef**kup! This is sex we’re talking about! After numerous years of intensive research on both sides of the aisle—and sometimes in the aisle—I am here to report that Republican men (except the closet cases) are inﬁnitely better to have sex with.

Self Reliance

Let’s face it folks, the man or woman who’s learned to rely on themselves in life instead of a large institution, likely is bringing a better game to the table for an activity that’s pretty dependent on individual initiative and cooperation.

Capitalism is the perfect embodiment of individual initiative that’s rewarded when you end up pleasing another person.

One gets the sense that collectivists would attempt to try to redistribute orgasms until sex was so bad, no one bothered having it.