WASHINGTON—Staring off into the middle distance as he sat behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office this afternoon, President Obama is said to have spent several minutes fantasizing about ordering one last drone strike against himself on the final day of his presidency, White House sources confirmed. “I can see it now: I’ll sign my last order, stand up, give a respectful nod to my Secret Service agents, and walk straight out into the center of the Rose Garden,” said the commander-in-chief, who then reportedly envisioned himself standing at attention and raising a hand in salute as an MQ-1 Predator drone locked on to his position. “Maybe right before it takes me out I’ll even say something like ‘God bless the United States of America.’ Yeah, I like that. That’s perfect.” At press time, sources confirmed Obama was grinning at the thought of ash-covered White House staffers frantically digging through the rubble, only to find his lapel pin.

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