I'm no exception to the lying-human-scumbag rule; in fact I probably tell more lies than most. Usually they are bog-standard white lies - compliments, mainly, although pretty much any statement that implies I give a toss about anyone other than myself is almost certainly untrue. I'd also class the majority of my facial expressions as white lies: occasional looks of concern, fixed masks of rapt concentration, smiles, you name it - all absolute bloody lies. If it were socially acceptable to do so, I'd walk around looking as blank as a Cyberman. Balls to the lot of you. Fend for yourselves.

My favourite kind of lie is the pointless but plausible lie; the odd nugget of needless fiction dropped into conversation just for the hell of it. For instance, whenever anyone I know returns from a holiday abroad and asks if anything interesting happened while they were gone, it amuses me to claim, for no reason whatsoever, that the actress Pauline Quirke died while performing a hang-gliding stunt on This Morning. In my experience, this is just conceivable enough for them to swallow it whole. They'll only discover the truth months or maybe years later, the next time they see her on TV, and by then they've forgotten who lied to them in the first place - the idiots.

It's a fun little game. Even though you rarely get to see the fruits of your labour first-hand (since you're long gone before the penny drops), pointless fibbing fleetingly makes your life seem 4% more interesting than it actually is, so I wholeheartedly recommend it. To get you started, here are four brief examples for you to sow as you see fit.

1. Next time you go to the cinema with someone who knows nothing about the film, whisper, "I bet I can work out which one's the android before you," just as it starts. They'll spend the rest of the film studying the cast in completely the wrong way. I tried this out recently when watching the movie Crash with someone, and it improved it a thousandfold.

2. Text a friend at random saying: "Wahey! I'm in a HELICOPTER!" Someone did this to me once; it worked a treat. Try it now. Go on.

3. When passing a cemetery, nonchalantly claim Sherlock Holmes is buried there. The number of people who fall for this is frankly astounding.

4. You and a friend are listening to an unfamiliar song on the radio. Before it finishes, say, "I can't believe this is Charles Dance - the man's lost his mind", then maintain that it is Charles Dance, it really bloody is, honestly, you read about it somewhere. Keep the pretence up as long as you can, despite their protestations, even if it's a woman singing. Say he's recorded it for a cow charity. Get angry if they don't believe you. They will eventually. They always do.

Anyway, there you go. Now get lying. It's good for you.