"Rumour Mill, Rumour Mill, wherefore art thou, Rumour Mill?" That's the familiar cry in the Mill household when somebody wants to track down your favourite, early-bird football gossip column. Usually it'll be Mrs RM looking to spread the word that the lawn needs doing, or some such … but just occasionally it's because the seamy business of tittle-tattling has gone full circle, and left the Mill with a few awkward questions to answer. Round the Beckhams' place, the somewhat less Shakespearian "Daiviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!" suffices, and, according the to Star, gallivanting off to Milan won't spare Goldenballs the habitual line of interrogation. "Jealous Posh" has booked her Alitalia flights 'n'everything, in order to appraise how well her husband is putting his tackles in (at least that's what our patented Pun Decoder said) whilst on his three-month keep-fit jolly with AC.

Meanwhile, at the City of Manchester Stadium, where there's no love to be lost but plenty of cash to buy some once the transfer window opens, Elano has gone public about his dysfunctional relationship with manager Mark Hughes. "When I am playing I know what he [Hughes] wants but when I come off there is nothing from him," complains the Brazilian, clearly failing to clock Hughes's classic treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen technique. Anyway, he may do one in January, if City are willing to arrange a new marriage of convenience for him.

Talking of brief liaisons, Owen Hargreaves' on-off thing with Manchester United is currently OFF, with Hargreaves' Mr-Darcy-just-out-of-the-lake locks unlikely to be seen around Old Trafford again this season. The brooding midfielder has knacked his knee proper, and United have ordered him to go under the knife before they'll consider dating again. To fill the hole in his midfield, rather than the one in his heart, Sir Alex has ordered a bottle of champagne from the bar and sent it to the Barcelona table with a note for Xavi attached. There's £20m in it for the Catalans if they're willing to let Ferguson 'go steady' with Spain's European Championship-winning playmaker.

Along the M62, Liverpool's not-so-rich sugar daddies Tom Hick and George Gillett could be set to offload a string of players, having let that gold-digging Rafa Benítez loose with the credit card one too many times and racked up £350m-worth of debt. The good news for Reds fans: Fernando Torres has declared his undying love for Merseyside, despite repeated pinchings on the backside from Chelsea.

Looking to create sweet bongo music at the Lane, Harry Redknapp is lining up Andrei Arshavin as the Russian groom for his, er, Russian groom, Roman Pavlyuchenko. But Real Madrid have got no truck with such cheap romanticism, and want to snatch Arshavin from under Harry's not-inconsiderable nose. On the rebound, expect Harry to wind up in a rundown motel canoodling with City's Richard Dunne at some point in the near future (say, oh … January). And things could get even darker should Jimmy Bullard pitch up and make things an interesting threesome. Look to saviour of taste and decency, Roy Keane, to make his own play for Bullard, and prevent Spurs' season from getting even more X-rated.

Round the back of the bike sheds, Fiorentina are asking for the number of Ipswich defender Alex Bruce, who, incidentally, doesn't appear to have inherited his father Steve's Play-Doh face. And Gus Poyet is hoping to score with Watford, now that Aidy Boothroyd has left their hot seat cold.

And to wind up this tawdry affair, news of the sordid antics likely to take place in the forthcoming series of I'm a Celebrity* Get Me Out of Here. Joe Cole's sweetheart Carly Zucker will be dropped in the jungle with a bunch of wannabes (sample: Robert Kilroy-Silk, Joe Swash, Dani Behr) and Star Trek's very own Mr Sulu, George Takei. Will she be tempted to swap Stamford Bridge for the one on the Enterprise? Place your bets now ...

*I'm emphatically not a celebrity

Feel free to contribute your own desperate 'come-and-get-me' pleas below