Labour now debating who will poison the cakes and who will throw Corbyn in the river

A secret ballot has been held to decide how Labour MPs can successfully get rid of Jeremy Corbyn without him coming back to life.

“I’ve just purchased a vat of plutonium off a Russian bloke on eBay,” Angela Eagle announced between uncontrollable sobs and outbursts of profanity that would make Malcolm Tucker blush.

“I am working on injecting 50mls into the icing of a lemon French Fancy. The cockbag wanking fucktard won’t touch the strawberry or chocolate ones, the turd.

“I will swallow down my bile long enough to invite it around for tea and to watch my You Rang M’Lord box set. I’ve also brought some Twinings camomile blend laced with Ajax to give it an extra kick.

“If he doesn’t have the courtesy to fuck off and die after this, Hilary Benn will shoot half a dozen bullets into his back. It’s Hilly’s preferred style now all his knives have gone blunt.

“If that doesn’t work, and God knows Corbyn has come back from the dead more times than Michael fucking Myers, Chris Bryant will put him a sack and dump him in the Thames.

“We plan to have ‘mandate of the people’ chiselled onto the anvil that sends him sinking to the murky depths, which will also make an excellent cartoon for the front of ‘The New Yorker’.”

Tom Watson concluded, “Unlike the other well known JC, this one certainly won’t be resurrected.

“Even Amazon won’t want this old codger after we’ve finished with him.”