Overall

Vision Vision

Originality Originality

Technique Technique

Impact Impact

Vision

Originality

Technique

Impact

: Just to be clear to anyone that hasn't read this yet: Yes, I am going to refer to events in the story. So read it first.I don't know how I feel about this exactly. It's a decent idea, I suppose (though it may be a bit clichéd, but that's not necessarily bad in and of itself), but the execution feels weak. Partially, perhaps, because I'm a bit desensitized, myself. I felt like a large impact could have stemmed from a realistic depiction of the gore involved in ending an equine life.A distinction I'd like to make really quickly: The problem with gore in grimdark is not in the use of gore as a literary device. The problem is in the use of excessive gore for the sake of shock value. If you are going to use gore, powerful imagery is a must. Describe the feeling under Dash's hooves as she felt the flesh layered over bone yield, before the skull shattered under pressure. Describe the feeling as small fragments of bone, launched upward from the force of the blow, land upon her sweat covered brow, making her feel unclean. Describe how she finds delivering the second, third, and fourth kick increasingly difficult, as her blood slicked hooves attempt to graze the flesh weakly.In short, make it feel more real. You came close, but were a bit too weak with your imagery, and it didn't feel very real to me.Another reason the execution feels weak is the pacing.Even in some form of post-apocalyptic (more so if the world is just dark, not apocalyptic, as it seems is implied in this story) world, deciding to kill someone is not a determination that would be made easily. This applies doubly so when it is a friend, and triply so when it is a loved one.The main focus of this piece should have been on Dash's refusal to accept that Fluttershy had to die, and the insistence from the others that she did. By focusing on the aspects of Dash's love for Fluttershy, as well as emphasizing the others mixed feelings (hesitance to end a friend's life, but knowledge that she has to), an interesting dynamic could have been established. The conclusion is foregone, but the mechanism of arriving at it is where you should have found your strength. Each pony could have a different stance towards the matter: Twilight insisting that emotion played no part and that it's necessary (despite crying while saying this), for example. Sadly, I didn't really see anything like that present here. Instead of focusing on character interaction, it felt as though you rushed through the dialogue, reaching the conclusion as fast as possible. It almost felt like reading an outline for a conversation, written as a placeholder for you to finish the story and come back to it, rather than the actual conversation.: It's a bit clichéd as a concept ("unknown illness where the only cure is death"), and the direction you chose to take it in isn't exactly the most original someone could have chosen. It still is an interesting concept, though, and could have come out as a great story.: There's a natural cap to how original fanart/fanfiction can be, but this loses a few points, even going beyond that. As I said... It's not a really original concept. An interesting one, maybe. But not exactly novel.: It could have been worse. But it could also have been much, much better.: Maybe I'm being a bit harsh here, but this doesn't really resonate with me on any level. The dialogue, where any real character interaction would have occurred, was weak, leaving me feeling as though any two characters could have swapped places for the intent of story without there being much of a difference (the one exception perhaps being Fluttershy, but at the very least I could see her swapping places with Rarity or RD (Elements of Generosity/Loyalty, so both could make sense on some level) and the ending retaining its impact). The depiction of gore seemed was bit too vague for me to feel any gut reaction to it, making it feel forced (and a bit weak) to me. There's a line towards the end that I find myself liking the idea behind ("She wondered despite herself whether the mess would stain, whether her coat would always bear the red residue of her deed"), but I feel like the idea of RD feeling as though she's "stained" herself could have been represented better somehow.One thing about this that I like unconditionally though, on every level: Vision, originality, technique, and for it's impact. The ending and beginning. This method shows that you very clearly had an idea of what was going to happen before you started writing, is a method of "bookending" (as one of my professors called it) that is sadly underused, and leaves off on a solid note. The implications behind it take a second to sink in, and I appreciate that.Overall, I feel like the concept behind this is solid, though perhaps not as original as it could have been. But in a story that has an ending you can guess ahead of time, you need to rely on a solid execution, and I feel like your execution was too weak to justify the plot. More vivid description or better dialogue could have greatly improved it, or perhaps a more original take on the plot. As it is... It feels weak.(It was totally Pinkie that coughed, by the way.)