Relationship diaries: ‘I’m a mother-of-two and I regret having children’ Jess, 38, says she wishes she hadn’t felt social pressure to have children as she believes she’d be happier without them

As part of a new series called Relationship diaries, i is sharing people’s stories about connections and issues that matter – from family to friends to dating, marriage and divorce, and all the ups and downs involved.

Jess*, 38, from London, tells Claudia Tanner that if given the choice, she would turn the clock back and have a child-free life.

I recently tried to open up to a friend, who herself has three children, about how I was struggling being a mother – still, even though my kids are five and six.

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“Who doesn’t hanker after our past carefree days, when we could go on holiday and just lie by the pool reading a book?” she said. “Or go for long boozy lunches with friends and lie in until midday?”

I couldn’t find the words to convey how I really felt because coming out with “I regret having my children” sounded so awful. I worry it makes me evil, or at least, not a very nice person.

But it’s how I feel. I thought for a long time that I had postnatal depression. I had some therapy during the first few years which helped. Except now I don’t feel it’s mental health related: I just really don’t very much like my life, and it’s definitely almost all because of the kids.

‘It’s the biggest taboo to admit you wish you’d never had children’

Don’t get me wrong, I do love them. I’m not a monster. I’m determined to strive to give them the best life and be the best parent I can be for them both. But I can’t help feeling the regret, sadness and disappointment.

It’s the biggest taboo to admit you wish you’d never had children. I feel lonely because I don’t feel I can openly share this. But I at least admit it to myself as I feel if I kept pretending otherwise I would go mad.

Babies are ‘the done thing’

I’d been with my now husband more than a decade when we had children: we were married, in love, had got the lovely house, we’d reached our thirties and it just seemed the next logical step. The done thing.

I did feel some twinges of doubt back then, but I thought who does every really feel ready to have a baby? I’ve never cooed over infants and felt bored when I was around any talk of them. But I told myself it would be different when I had my own.

Like most new mums I felt I’d been hit by a freight train when overnight your world becomes one solely focussed on your this new creature who depends entirely on you: feeding them (breastfeeding, urgh), changing their nappies, getting them to sleep and bathing them. It seemed a never ending cycle.

I was struggling and not ready for a second baby but I fell pregnant accidentally while on the pill when my son was just 12 months. I had wanted an abortion but my husband was horrified, and thought it was just the “baby blues” talking.

‘I feel a mess all of the time’

‘I just don’t see the point of it all and I wish I could just turn back the clock and not go through this’

Everyone kept telling me that it all gets better within just a few years when the workload lightens up. Except it didn’t. My son has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). He has almost daily outbursts of anger, he constantly interrupts us so having an adult conversation never happens and he literally can’t keep still when asked, he’s always getting up and running around, fidgeting, or squirming. Within minutes of waking up I feel my nerves are frazzled.

I feel a mess all of the time and that my confidence has been zapped. I used to cry every day, when I got a minute to myself in the toilet, but now my feelings have turned into a perpetual dull sadness and emptiness.

I rarely have sex with my husband or enjoy any alone time. He works long shifts so I can’t go to the gym or have much of a social life. It doesn’t help that our families live miles away so we have little support. The house is always a tip.

Holidays are just so stressful I end up wishing we’d never bothered going. I just don’t see the point of it all and I wish I could just turn back the clock and not go through this.

People say that the joy children bring you makes all the sacrifices and hard work worth it. But if I’m totally honest, I just don’t get it. Of course I’m happy that my children are happy. But generally I find what they’re into – cartoons, children’s stories, their playground conversations – so mind-numbingly tedious.

I’ve tried to make friends with other mothers in the hope their enthusiasm for their children rubbed off on me. I feel like throwing my phone out the window at the endless texts in our Whatsapp group about their offspring – I can’t believe grown women can willingly talk about poo for so long.

‘I put on my biggest smile’

It might sound selfish but I just wish I had time for me. I want freedom and the time and energy to really focus on my career, travel, pursue friendships, have nights out, go to the theatre, watch movies, and take up new hobbies. And to just be still and quiet, I miss that so much.

I know one day my children will have flown the nest and I will be responsibility free but I feel sad that I have to wait so many years feeling stressed and unfulfilled.

I’ve never really told my husband how I truly feel. He has such a natural affinity for children, and thank God he does. I’m glad the children have that real, unforced bond with him and I’m sure it must rub off on me at times and keep me going.

I’m very aware that I have a responsibility to contain these negative feelings and make sure my children never feel unwanted and believe me I try my very best. I put on my biggest smile when they are telling me about their day at school and I get up day in and day out and be present for my kids. I know they didn’t ask to be born and they deserve that.

Added to this of course I feel extreme guilt that there are so many people that would do anything to have two healthy children and a loving partner.

‘Women are expected to want to be mothers and like children’

Women are expected to want to be mothers and like children. I can’t help but feel these societal expectations played a huge role in why I joined the mummy club. A lifestyle choice I wish I’d felt I could have said no to.

Anyway, what’s done is done. I have to go now… there’s packed lunches to make and PE kits to wash.

* Name has been changed

Do you have a relationship story to share? Email claudia.tanner@inews.co.uk