Yeah, Sure, What Happened to the Seahawks in San Diego Was Bad, But You Know What? It Doesn't Matter

Noah Benezra

Sad Seahawks fan Lindsey is almost as sad as sad Seahawks dog Chevy.

For the first time since the Seahawks became World Super Champions, their Insufferable Journey to Rewinnining the Super Bowl™ took a hit, as they fell to the San Diego Chargers 30-21 in weirdly hot San Diego, California. The Seahawks record now stands at 1-1 and the Insufferability Index™ has been lowered from “dangerously smug” to “fedora-tippingly respectful of our opponent's well-earned victory.”

Let's break it down:

The Seahawks didn’t play badly per se. Russell Wilson was really good until the last drive of the game, and the defense prevented the Chargers from getting any big yardage plays, forcing the Chargers to drive methodically, putting them at risk of turning the ball over. This is Pete Carroll defense at its finest… except the turnovers never came, the field was really hot, the defense got tired, and now we're all a bunch of losers.

So, why no turnovers? A mix of skill and luck, which… duh. So I'll be more specific. San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers provided the skill, refusing to put the ball into the hands of the Legion of Boom, much as he refused to have sex with his wife before they got married. The Chargers went 10 for 17 converting third downs, and they never turned the ball over. Let's all tip our invisible fedoras to those numbers.

Oh you're wearing an actual fedora? TAKE IT OFF! What are you doing?

The Seahawks' secondary is facing criticism for the performance, but the fault really lies with the defensive line. Slog favorite Michael “Black Santa” Bennett looked good and got some pressure on Rivers, but Seattle's pass rush relies on getting pressure with four rotating linemen. That wasn't happening, so the Seahawks had to resort to blitzing a linebacker on third down, which left San Diego's tight end Antonio Gates facing a lot of single coverage against safeties and linebackers in space. Gates is past his prime, but he's still a force when healthy, and he had an excellent game. Rivers kept extending plays with his legs, which is problematic because he's Philip Rivers and that’s the weakest part of his game, leaving the Seahawks pass rush as unsatisfied as a Rivers disciple waiting for marriage to have sex. The Seahawks defense got more and more fatigued (three defensive starters had to leave the game with cramps), and Gates kept getting open or making catches in traffic.

On top of the great passing performance, the Chargers got a bit lucky with the bounce of the football. San Diego fumbled three times and recovered all three. The Seahawks put the ball on the ground one time and failed to recover. Fumble recovery is a crapshoot, and losing four separate crapshoots sucks, but is not an indicator of any systemic problems. Man, it sucked though.

The Seahawks' lost fumble was particularly problematic. Percy Harvin put the ball on the ground on a kick return after the defense had been on the field for a ten-play, five-minute drive. The Seahawks' defense badly needed a rest, but instead they had to deal with the Chargers in excellent field position, and wound up conceding a touchdown. Also, the fumble seemed rattle Harvin. Before the play, he looked to be Seattle's best offensive weapon; afterwards, he had one rush for negative-six yards and no receptions.

So we lost, and that's bad. But really it's okay because the Niners lost, and that means we're still where we need to be in the division. Also, this week happened in the NFL. To call the Seahawks loss "bad" is to miss the point entirely of the NFL in the last week. Have you been following all the ways the NFL has gone completely off the rails?

• 2012 NFL MVP Adrian Peterson was indicted on charges of child abuse (specifically, that he beat his 4-year-old son with a switch).

• The possible Ray Rice coverup, in which the league decided to pull out all of the stops protecting the reputation of Ravens running back Ray Rice, who punched his wife in the face on tape. The league claimed not to have seen the tape and gave him a slap on the wrist; then the tape leaked to TMZ, as did news that the league had seen the tape, and now NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is facing pressure to resign. Of course, he and the cabal of awful that are the NFL's owners are resisting by sticking their fingers in their ears.

• The Panthers just suspended defensive end Greg Hardy for throwing his girlfriend on a “pile of guns” this offseason. A pile of guns.

• Meanwhile, the 49ers decided to go ahead and keep playing tackle Ray McDonald despite his domestic violence arrest in late August.

• News also broke that 30 percent of professional football players will suffer from Alzheimer’s or dementia as a result of playing football. Case in point, 36-year-old Cardinals linebacker John Abraham left his team, and will likely retire after revealing that he's been "suffering from memory loss for well over a year."

Which is all to say: No Seahawks did anything this week that could be categorized as beyond despicable, and the team suffered no major injuries. So continue your fedora tipping, Seahawks fans, because things are still relatively good.

Also, don't look at what happened to the Mariners this weekend. Don't. It's not good. Avert your gaze. Avert it! Oh god, too late. Fernando Rodney is still walking people.