Is She a Witch or Does She Just like Hozier?

Photo by swimfinfan / CC BY-SA 2.0

By KELLY MACGARRIGLE April 23, 2019 at 8:54 am

So, you’ve met this great new girl at a party. She seems great — long dark hair, soulful eyes, passion for the occult and undead, a solid credit score, and a twinkling laugh that calls the ravens down from the bare trees.

Everything you’ve ever wanted in a woman. But then she says she’s an English major, and you have to ask the essential question — is she a witch or does she just like Hozier?

I mean, being a witch is fine, but being a Hozier fan? You know she’s going to be into some freaky stuff, involving death pacts like freezing together in the silver blood of the forest while the birds consume your still beating hearts.

You can take this useful quiz, to find out whether she’s just a member of the dark arts or if she finds comfort in the crooning of the forest god Hozier.

1. When you ask her what time it is, does she respond...

a. Five p.m.

b. Half past the hour when my father left, the saddest man I have been since then, until my baby came along — we will listen to the crooning of the river beast as we lie together on the banks of the water in which I used to play

2. When the time comes to go out on a date, where does she want to go?

a. A movie

b. The grave of a romantic poet, so you two can dance in the pale light of the dwindling moon, with Artemis watching from behind the dancing slender oak trees

3. The time comes for you to get serious. Does she...

a. Introduce you to her parents, ask for you to move in together, and adopt a dog

b. Cut out pieces of her hair, weave them into your braids, and have you wear her with you everywhere

4. You want to get married. Where do you ask her to marry you?

a. A pretty square in NYC, with a light snowfall

b. In a bath of darkest blood of the undead gods

5. You’ve gotten married and had children. What do you name them?

a. Patrick/Louis or Jane/Natalie

b. A name, whispered by the elder ones into the swirling winds of the beyond, immediately forgotten and yet placed deep within the heart

Mostly As — a witch! Congrats! Have fun with your new relationship.

Mostly Bs — A Hozier fan. Good luck. Seriously, good luck. Make sure you sign a prenup, or she will take all of your possessions and spread them among the trees for the forest gods.

Just remember: witches, they’re just like us, but Hozier fans, they’re something else. We’re not sure what yet, but if we listen to his music enough, eventually we’ll either find out or run into the woods and scream into the great beyond. A good end result either way.