I can only assume Rudy Giuliani is secretly working for Robert Mueller.

There is zero evidence to the contrary. If Giuliani is performing the job he claims to now hold — as Donald Trump’s new attorney — he is giving a master class in how to sabotage a case and screw over a client on national television.

With friends like Giuliani, Trump doesn’t need enemies like Mueller.

It’s a good thing the U.S. president didn’t hire his old friend as an interior designer, because Giuliani would’ve already burned Mar-a-Lago to the ground. If Trump had solicited relationship advice, Giuliani would’ve seduced Melania: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you wanted me to have sex with the First Lady. Hahaha!”

On Sunday, during a surreal interview with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos on This Week, Giuliani was either low on legal acumen or high on magic mushrooms. He spoke in circles, a human compass twirling with LOL merriment. Giuliani telegraphed amusement at the weirdest times — Hahaha! — including when Stephanopoulos prefaced his first question about Stormy Daniels by parroting what Trump said last week, which is Giuliani will eventually get his “facts straight.”

(You know things are bad when Trump is suddenly keen on “facts.”)

“So the president does deny any sexual relationship with Stormy Daniels?” asked Stephanopoulos, after Giuliani was done chortling.

Giuliani: “I’m not really involved in the Daniels thing, so I don’t know.”

Then a few seconds later: “Even if it was considered a campaign contribution, it was entirely reimbursed out of personal funds.”

Look, George, even if my client defrauded that bank, the important thing is he didn’t rob it at gunpoint. Look, George, I’m pretty sure Donald Trump is NOT the Zodiac Killer. George, I ask you, why would a germaphobe ask a prostitute to urinate on the hotel bed in which he’s expected to sleep? Would he not have said, “No, Svetlana, please don’t pee there!” Not that I’m saying we know her name! Hahaha!

If Trump watched Giuliani’s uncommand performance on Sunday, he probably whipped several cheeseburgers at his giant flat screen while screaming at an underling to get him the number of Lionel Hutz.

Here’s the first problem: the only reason Stephanopoulos was asking about the payment to Daniels — and when the president knew about it — is because Giuliani resurrected the issue last week when he nearly gave Sean Hannity a massive on-air coronary while casually letting fly that Trump was aware of the $130,000 and repaid lawyer Michael Cohen via a monthly retainer.

To make matters worse on Sunday, Giuliani said the payment to Daniels was suspiciously low: “I never thought $130,000 — I know this sounds funny to people there at home — I never thought $130,000 was a real payment. It’s a nuisance payment ... People don’t go away for $130,000.”

Stephanopoulos looked exasperated, like he was listening to a child with Oreo crumbs on his lips give a false alibi for why he wasn’t near the open cookie jar.

And so it went for 20 minutes. After seeming to forget that he was “not really involved in the Daniels thing,” Giuliani then remembered to make matters worse for Trump by suggesting other women might have received hush money from Cohen.

He said Trump might ignore a Mueller subpoena or plead the fifth. He also characterized some of his recent statements as “rumours,” which forced Stephanopoulos to remind Giuliani that he was the one who said those things.

“Well, maybe I did,” said Giuliani. “But right now, I’m at the point where I’m learning.”

If Giuliani were Trump’s tailor, the president would now be walking around in one pant leg and a jacket five sizes too small.

What kind of lawyer representing the besieged leader of the free world thinks it’s a wise to embark upon a “media tour” when he’s in the “learning” stage? That’s like a surgeon pulling out his scalpel before he knows the tumor location. If Sunday’s interview had gone on any longer, Giuliani would’ve held up Trump’s taxes, answered a few questions in Russian and insinuated it was Trump who shot Tupac.

In the second season of The Trump Show, Giuliani is now the cast comedian. He is giving the world unintentional gonzo comedy that rivals any satire. And if this continues, we’re going to be falling down in hysterics after someone else delivers the ultimate punch line Giuliani apparently does not see coming.

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“George, did that interview just happen?” asked Michael Avenatti, Daniels’ lawyer, who was brought in for the rebuttal. “I’m not being spoofed, right?”

Stephanopoulos, now looking like he wanted to gently rest his head on the desk, sidestepped the rhetorical query and asked what Avenatti thought of the interview.

“It’s an absolute, unmitigated disaster for Rudy Giuliani and the president,” he said. “It’s a train wreck. I can’t believe that that actually just happened. I mean, what we witnessed by Rudy Giuliani may be one of the worst TV appearances by any attorney on behalf of a client in modern times.”

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