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Men's Rules

An e-mail from a relative...

Posted on by sourcery

Mens Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.



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Culture/Society

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To: sourcery

Learn to work the toilet seat. Isn't it amazing that some women want to be placed in a combat situation when they cannot even lower a toilet seat?



To: sourcery

Bookmarked.



To: sourcery

Should I share this with my husband?



To: Paul Atreides; sourcery

The funniest part is that they are all numbered 1. My only request with the toilet seat is that you lift it before using and that your aim be true. Ok, I realize you may have to stand leaning over, braced against the wall in the morning but you will find no sympathy here.



To: sourcery

Lower the toilet seat when done? I recall as a child, my mother going to great pains to teach me to raise it in the first place!



To: sourcery

I'll cede every "1." but the toilet seat. We girls have to draw the line somewhere - you're linear, deal with it.



To: sourcery

Crying is blackmail. It's like crying wolf. When she really needs a shoulder to cry on she's doubly crushed to find there isn't one when she most needs it.



To: sourcery

All of these are great. I have no arguments with most of them--I like guys just fine the way they are and don't want to change them. My issue is, if I look like a Victoria's Secret girl and dresss like one as well, I do expect a guy to act like somebody on a soap opera.



To: Capriole

My issue is, if I look like a Victoria's Secret girl and dresss like one as well, I do expect a guy to act like somebody on a soap opera. You mean contract a deadly tropical disease and discover that I have a long lost evil twin?



To: sourcery

bump the world's funniest



To: LexBaird

You mean contract a deadly tropical disease Well, Chris Matthews has that one covered. I shudder to think there may be a twin that is evil in comparison to him.



To: cjk; thumperusn

Hehe.



by 14 posted onby Long Cut ("Fightin's commenced, Ike, now get to fightin' or get outta the way!"...Wyatt Earp, in Tombstone)

To: sourcery

bttt



To: pocat

bttt



To: sourcery; WestCoastGal

Here We go AGAIN;)



by 17 posted onby ChefKeith (Life is GREAT with CoCo..........NASCAR...everything else is just a game!(Except War & Love))

To: Paul Atreides

Did it ever occur to you that we women may not want to TOUCH the seat in order to raise it what with the way some of you aim? What is so difficult about lowering it yourselves????



: )



To: sourcery

ROFL!



by 19 posted onby JimRed (Kerry for President... of FRANCE!)

To: timestax

bump



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