I had never heard of MommyShorts.com until someone sent me the above photo, so I immediately put down my glass of Pinot Grigio to Google it. (I just got back from Italy, so wine is my current thing.) It’s no surprise that Mommy Shorts is a “mommy blog.” I swear to god, the only thing there are more of than insufferable children is blogs about them. I didn’t spend a lot of time on the blog because reading about a mom’s adventures with her two kids is about as interesting for me to read as this blog is for 99.99% of the world population. In other words, I get that mommy blogs are way more popular than ones where middle-aged men gripe about the state of their employment situation. However, if that’s your thing, you can check out the blog here or got to the Mommy Shorts Facebook page and tell them I said hello.

Anyhoo, the photo from Mommy Shorts rubs me wrong in very much the same way the collar of my polyester Black Eyed Pea uniform shirt used to. I get that it’s a tongue in cheek letter to her server, but the overall tone is slightly condescending:

Dear Server, Hi. We don’t know each other. Yet. But my children will under both yours and my care for the next one to two hours. How that goes is up to both of us. I know I may seem like an asshole when I demand bread and water before I even sit down at the table, but everything I do and say from this point forward is strictly to ensure that we are in and out of here quickly and with as little ado as possible. We are on the same team, you and I. Got it? Okay. Now take my order, get me some crayons and bring the check with the food. Sincerely,

MOMMYSHORTS.com. P.S. I have moved the cutlery and the candle intentionally. Please don’t move them back.

Okay, is it just me, or is that fucking letter ripe with pretension? I mean, come on! I took the liberty of correcting the letter for Miss Mommy Shorts so she can fully understand how truly shitty it was. I also went ahead and wrote a letter that I would like to give to her if she ever sits in my section: I realize that by posting this, I may have to face the wrath of thousands of mommy blog fans, but I’m ready. Hey, I have been on vacation for two weeks and I am ready to stir the fucking pot.

And by the way, if you want some more bitchy, you can buy my book by clicking here.