Tracking back time, CANCER has been a known foe of mine. I lost my grandmother to it within 6 months of diagnosis. I have seen it killing one of my father’s best friends who had and would always have a special place in my heart. And then, it gripped my mother, the person who brought me to this world.

My parents went to meet a gynaecologist because of my mother’s irregular menstruation which was common for any menopause approaching woman. The gynaecologist first said, that my mother had a small cyst which could be easily removed and she need not get admitted in hospital for that. Before the minor surgery, some tests and ultrasound were conducted and when the reports came in, we came to know that she also had a ‘tumour’ in her uterus. The doctor said that at her age it would be better to remove both the ovaries and uterus instead of just removing the tumour. And when we asked about getting the biopsy done post surgery, he said that he would definitely get it done, but we need not worry at all because after going through the ultrasound reports (seeing the positions of the ovaries) of my mother, he was pretty sure that her system was very healthy. We got a little relieved after hearing that. Then she was admitted and the operation was done. She was released after 4-5 days of the operation and we headed home. After that, the only thing we were tensed about was the biopsy report. We were telling each other that there was nothing to worry about; however, everyone was tensed inside out. After few days of numerous calls to the doctor and reception, we were told that the biopsy reports had arrived at the hospital and that we could go and collect it. It was 3:35 pm and my father had just reached home from office. The hospital was about 50 kilometers from my place. I requested the receptionist to connect to the lab attendant who had the reports, just to hear the ear soothing phrase, “Everything is fine”. However life is not a Bollywood movie script, and hiccups were obvious, so here it was, “There is a very minor problem, you should meet the doctor once”, said the lab attendant. This turned the cellphone into a hot iron, I could literally feel my ears burning and my eyes turned moist. My father and mother were both sitting with me and I couldn’t let my mother know about it. With a cosmetic expression I said, “Everything is fine”. I could not make eye contact with her. My heart ached, what if I loose her like my grandmother! I was trying to signal something to my father and just then my mother got up and went to the washroom. Immediately I told my father the truth. Hearing this, he too got a little nervous. We could not decide what to do, because we did not want to let her know. We decided to send my brother to the hospital to collect the reports since he was in hostel, which was near to the hospital. He immediately rushed and sent us pictures of the report. We sent those to one of my cousins who is a psychiatrist, as he was the only one in our family who would be able to understand those medical terms. Meanwhile we had to tell my mother that, the lab attendant had asked us to consult the doctor once. My father and I was getting very restless so I suggested my father to go to the hospital immediately and see the doctor once because there was no point sitting and worrying. He too thought it would be the best thing to do and immediately went to the hospital.

On meeting, the doctor assured that there was nothing to worry about and that the cancer cells had just started to form at the innermost layers of the tumour. He further added that he had removed the uterus so there was nothing cancerous left in her body at all. However just for prevention and satisfaction he prescribed one injection to be given immediately. Meanwhile my cousin also consulted a few other gynaecologists he knew and told us the same thing that the doctor had said. However, because of the fear of cancer, we decided to visit the Apollo Speciality Cancer Hospital in Chennai and get a final check done for our peace of mind. By then, we told everything to my mother because we wanted her to keep full trust on us, so that in future if any unexpected reports came up and we hide it from her, she wouldn’t get a hint of that.

So after 20 days of operation when she could walk without much difficulty, we went to Chennai, with sleepless eyes. We met the Doctor as per prior appointment and started getting the tests done one by one. The main test was the PET scan. Because of the injections and fluids intake before the PET scan, she was agitated with allergic reactions night long, after the scan and we had to admit her into the emergency ward the next dawn. That day we were supposed to get the PET reports. That was the hardest wait I had in my life till date. Our ears waited so long to hear, “All is well.” While my mother was in the emergency room getting treated for the allergy and my father was sitting in the lobby outside, I was walking continously trying to prepare myself for something negative. I was looking at my father and thinking, “Will he be able to hear something that bad about his wife’s health?” I recalled the day, when I heard my father saying in his sleep just a day after the biopsy report came, “O’ Bhagavan, mur manuhjonik loi najabo” (Oh God, please do not take my wife away). I decided that I need to know about the reports before anyone else. I went to the doctor in the emergency room. I requested him to kindly talk to the doctors who analyse the PET scan, and let me have a little idea about the reports. On one single request he immediately took up the phone and made a call. After hanging up he came to me and said, “It might be a case of lymphoma, however we cannot say anything at this point since the analysis is still going on”. I immediately googled the word, and I got numb. The only word I saw was ‘Cancer’! So, yes according to google that word meant ‘ lymphatic cancer’. My limbs started trembling, I didn’t know what to do. I came out of the emergency ward and went further away from my father. Immediately I called my cousin. He said, without knowing the patient’s history, they cannot conclude that it’s lymphoma. It must be just based on initial analysis. My heart was pounding so loudly, I couldn’t walk properly. I couldn’t see properly. I thought I need to see the reports anyhow, before my parents do, because I need to make them mentally ready for such a report since they were just expecting to hear that everything is fine. In fact our sole reason of going to Apollo was just to get a final confirmation that my mother didn’t have cancer. And so, I rushed to the building where the PET scan was done and requested the receptionist to please let me meet the doctors who prepare the PET reports. She asked me the patient’s name and after making a call to the concerned doctor, she said that they anyway wanted to meet that patient’s attendant to know the patient’s medical history. I went to the room all trembling with fear. The doctors over there asked me about her medical history. They were discussing something among themselves, I didn’t hear much, all I could hear was my heartbeat. I asked them, what was their conclusion. They said, they won’t be able to say anything now. I came out of the room and I walked back to my father. After few hours, my mother was released from the emergency ward and the time came when we had to collect the PET scan report and meet our doctor. I almost snatched the report from the receptionist. Me and my father read it as fast as we could; however we could hardly understand anything. But at the same time, from the very little that we understood, we concluded that probably there is no serious issue with my mother’s health. So, finally our consulting doctor came and we entered into his room. That was a feeling no human being could explain in words, ‘the simultaneous feeling of hope and fear’. Every second seemed to be a decade. When the doctor asked my parents to sit down, I wanted to tell him, “Let’s not waste time and tell us about the reports.” So finally he went through the reports and he said those golden words to the translator, “Tell her, she has no cancer in her body at all”. Oh! What a relief it was. I felt at that point of time that may be till that day, I never knew what happiness meant, and that was the first time in my life ever that I felt happy. We asked the doctor a few more questions and only left the room after he was done quenching our thirsty inquisitive minds. Thanking the doctor we then went to the beautiful Marina beach to celebrate LIFE!

This whole experience taught me that we can do anything in the world, but we become helpless when health degrades. We beg God for things like, good grades in exams, good jobs, money, etc., but these are the things we ourselves can work for. What we can’t work for is to get cured when such fatal diseases enter our body. During those days, I used to beg God that I would never ask for anything else in my life but just save my mother. The images of that hospital has scarred my mind, the mental images of little bald kids treated by chemotherapy, with injection marks all over their hand walking and running still continue to haunt me. Being a true believer of Karma, I used to question God, what wrong could have these innocent kids done? Were those deeds so wrong, that they couldn’t be forgiven? A girl of my age was walking holding her mother’s hand and covering one side of her head because of a huge tumour. Yes my eyes are flooded as I recall and even typing about the patients now is making my screen appear blurry. I just hope that the mankind soon finds an effective medicine to cure cancer and an answer to a mother who might ask God what wrong her 4 year old dying child had done.

Lastly, I would like to write about a small incident that I experienced while waiting in the lobby for 5-6 hours when my mother was going through the PET scan. The whole time there was an aged couple waiting on the other side of the lobby. From what I could guess, the husband was a cancer patient. The lobby had sofas and chairs. The couple was sitting on the sofa and all those hours their domestic helper, a girl of around 13-15 years in age, was standing by their side carrying all their bags. She probably did not sit because, at home she never sat with them, as that is how the domestic helpers are treated in India, but the couple did not ask her to sit even once. I felt so bad for her. I wanted to call her to sit on our side as it might have been less awkward for her then. But, I don’t know why I did not have the courage to do so. I was afraid that the couple might get angry on her. But now, whenever I recall that incident I get so angry on myself for not doing anything and for letting that girl stand there in front of my eyes for so many hours, carrying those bags. I realise that it was equally inhuman of me to have let that happen in front of my eyes and I promise myself never ever to tolerate anything of that sort.

We never know what is going to happen the next moment, so till the time we are healthy, we should try to spread happiness in this world. Seeing so many eyes filled with the fear of death, you realize that there is no time to hold onto your egos or grudges, or to keep begging God for materialistic things, the life that we have is very precious and we should make the most of it; and it is very important to remember that no matter what we achieve or do in life, we are nothing in front of the Almighty.

Good wishes to all in this new year!