“Dear Kim. Can I call you Kim? It’s a girl’s name. Can I still call you that? I’d like to call you that.

My people have a problem. Great people. But people with problems. The problem? Fake News.

CNN? Garbage. Fox News? More like low calorie salad dressing. The New York Times? Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply… I still wouldn’t use it as toilet paper.

Breitbart? Good people. Good, good people. I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency. It’d just be me and some guy in a room. He’d ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we’d write the stories together. I love cooperating with the press.

But my people balked at that. My own people. I ask for loyalty and all I get is “no.” N-O.

So I need a solution. And I thought, “Look at North Korea. They’ve got it figured out.” See, I bet the North Korean press knows how to write a story. It’s probably because you, like a good leader, write all their material for them. I did that for Ivanka when she had a book report due on Charlotte’s Web in the 3rd grade. Big League. “A+.” I think I could write some pretty great stories about myself. Just saying.

I want to make the press honest again and I need North Korea to teach us how to do that. But I don’t know how to get a hold of you, Kim. I stopped an Asian lady in Chinatown and asked her if she could get me in touch with Kim Jong Un…I don’t remember which Chinatown. They kind of blend in to me. Anyway, this lady didn’t speak English. Hillary supporter, probably. She wrote a bunch of emails. Some of them were probably to this lady. Bad teeth. Probably worked for The New York Times.

You ever tried to buy crack on the streets? Of course you haven’t. You’ve never been to America. Well let me tell you, it’s the price of a Snicker’s bar. I take my kid trick-or-treating, I don’t know if I’m getting Willy Wonka or Breaking Bad, you know what I’m saying? I bet North Korea doesn’t have a drug problem. North Korea doesn’t have any problem that Kim Jong Un doesn’t want it to have.

That’s why I need you, Kim. I propose a trade: I borrow your news people for a little while. Say, six months. We won’t even have to teach them English. In return, you can teach our press what real news is all about. I’ll give you The New York Times. CNN. All of them.

Kim:

My people.

Your people.

Let’s make this happen.”

President Donald Trump