The following is the text bombardment that Calum Beck sent me as he drunkenly watched the movie “Spice World”.

3.22pm It’s my day off and I’m watching Spice World. I’m worried I might be wasting my life

3.22pm Hey Roger Moore is in this

3.23pm Shit, now they’re singing again

Duncan: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Duncan. Do you own that movie?

3.25pm It’s on my hard drive for some reason. I can’t stop, I have to find out what happens. Like what dress Posh decides to wear, and if Meatloaf will say something funny.

3.26pm Scary changed her hair again

3.27pm Wow, these girls are less professional than we are. They can’t stay focused on rehearsal for even a second

3.27pm Ugh, they’re sooo scouse

3.29pm They’re having a pregnancy fantasy. There all fat and ugly and bitter, kind of like they are now in reality

3.29pm Ugh, more singing

3.31pm Haha, Alan Cumming can’t tell them apart. Oh Alan, what a novice

3.32pm It’s amazing how bathe lip syncing is. I know it’s’ their actual voices… But I don’t believe it

3.34pm Scary pisses me the fuck off

3.35pm And I’m having a real hard time figuring out which plot to follow

3.37pm Baby just killed a bunch of people, but it was a fantasy dpi it’s ok

3.37pm Fucking Scary, what a cunt

3.38pm She has a new haircut now

3.39pm Now there’s a photoshoot. Sporty is dressed as Jackie O for some reason

3.40pm Sporty is actually kinda fat

3.40pm Fucking Scary

3.40pm Photoshoot hasn’t ended yet

3.41pm Oh oh, the paparazzi! This guy looks like a member of the SS

3.42pm I don’t believe Sporty actually knows anything about sports

3.43pm Hey, Jennifer Saunders is in this

3.44pm Omg, the Spice Girls just got asked to be the mother of an Asian woman’s baby. <3

3.47pm Scary just made a joke about smegma

3.47pm What a cunt

3.48pm And now they’re attacking Catholicism

3.49pm Roger Moore’s dialogue doesn’t make any sense. But he’s still the best actor in this thing

3.49pm More singing

3.49pm A Gary Glitter song

3.49pm And strippers

3.50pm Dude strippers

3.50pm Baby’s trying chat one up

3.50pm My mistake, she shot him down

3.51pm Ginger may be a retarded, but she’s still better than scary

3.51pm More singing, a reprise of Glitter

3.52pm The strippers just went bare ass

3.53pm Oh, and that scene was pointless

3.53pm And now the Spice Girls are taking a piss in the woods

3.54pm Yay! Meatloaf made a funny

3.54pm Holy crap, it’s a UFO!

3.54pm Aliens!!!

3.55pm Fucking Scary wouldn’t let te aliens cop a feel. What a cunt

3.56pm Never mind, that scene was pointless too

4.01pm Crap, almost out of whiskey

4.10pm The dance teachers acting makes me sad

4.14pm They stopped dancing, now they’re marching army gear

4.15pm Ginger looks like she shags men in bushes for money. Urgh, what a mess

4.18pm The paparazzi just snuck up the toilet

4.18pm He kind of looks like Baldrick dressed as Moby in an S&M club

4.19pm Baby apparently sleeps in a poodle

4.19pm So much fluff

4.20pm Now they’re trying to interpret their dreams

4.21pm Their dressing gowns make them look like tellitubbies

4.23pm Ginger’s into watersports. And I DO mean piss

4.24pm Urgh, Scary won’t stop changing her hair

4.26pm They’ve abducted some children now

4.26pm Posh knows the word Facist. What a big word for such a pretty girl

4.27pm Now they’re on a boat

4.27pm More singing

4.27pm Scary has on glasses. I think she’s trying to look smart.

4.28pm I hope she chokes on dick cheese and dies

4.29pm One of the kids is drowning now

4.29pm And so is Alan Cumming

4.31pm It’s ok, Alan Cumming is fine

4.32pm Oh no, the paparazzi!!!

4.33pm The Spice Girls aren’t taking their careers seriously. They’re more concerned with their own freedom

4.34pm Posh quit! Wtf?

4.34pm So did Scary. What a copycat. Bitch

4.35pm Roger Moore has a little pig

4.35pm Aww, it’s so cute

4.38pm Ginger’s crying for some reason. Maybe it’s menopause

4.41pm Mmm, Posh is in the bath

4.41pm More singing! Zigga Zigga!!!

4.42pm This film Ian giving me motion sickness

4.43pm baby doesn’t look bad in a school uniform

4.44pm Urgh, Fucking scary. Who pronounces ‘back’ with an H?

4.44pm Stephen Fry???

4.45pm Also, apparently Mel is short for Melvin

4.46pm Now all the lines are being lip synced, not just the singing

4.46pm The manager is trying to drink himself to death

4.49pm They took a pregnant woman to a bar. What cunts. Why not buy Anne Frank a drumkit?

4.50pm And now they’ve abandoned her to go dancing

4.51pm With a black man in a mesh shirt

4.51pm Baby spice has esp apparently. She can sense the baby is on it’s way

4.52pm It’s up to Meatloaf to save the day

4.53pm Scary is wearing washing up gloves. I think she is going to stick her hands up that lady

4.54pm The girls just woke a child from a comma

4.55pm I shit you not

4.57pm this movie is filled with terrible values. Is this what 90’s girls were taught to believe in? No wonder societys fucked

4.57pm Yay, it’s a baby girl

4.58pm Girl power conquers all

5.01pm Posh stole the bus!

5.02pm She abandoned Meatloaf!

5.02pm They’re on top of the bus now

5.03pm Posh nearly killed a couple nuns in a mini cooper

5.04pm Woah, the bus just jumped a bridge

5.04pm Oh no, there’s a bomb on the bus

5.05pm It’s amazing they can run in shoes that large

5.05pm Baby’s slutting it up for the police

5.09pm More singing

5.10pm <Calum rings my phone to let me listen to some of the singing>

5.11pm This movie has totally spiced up my life

5.11pm Ginger’s dressed like a harlot

5.12pm Credits! Yay, it’s over

5.13pm Wait… They’re still talking

5.13pm Sporty has no tits at all

Duncan: I don’t know what just happened, but I wrote it all down.

5.14pm Omg, they can see me

5.14pm They’re talking right too me

Duncan: Oh god, you’re still going

5.15pm And the bomb exploded, END!

5.15pm I swear, that’s it

5.16pm You’re not going to put that online, are you?

Duncan: No, I won’t.