The Internet rage has hit the mainstream. Unfortunately, nobody seems to know what it is.

I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following:

Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"

Customer: "How much does it cost to have the Internet installed?"

Customer: "I would like the disc with the Internet on it."

Also heard in a University store:

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

Customer: "I would like an Internet please."

Customer: "When I sign up, do I need to be home so you can come out and install the Internet to my house?"

Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."

Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"

Customer: "Excuse me, could you sell me an Internet?"

Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"

Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"

Customer: "We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?"

Co-Worker: "When I try to send e-mail, the whole Internet shuts down!"

Customer: "I can't get online."

"I can't get online." Tech Support: "Can you be more specific?"

"Can you be more specific?" Customer: "It says, 'Bad username/password'."

"It says, 'Bad username/password'." Tech Support: "What is your username?"

"What is your username?" Customer: "Are you sure that the Internet isn't closed for the night?"

I was extremely tempted to tell him how people in Europe and Asia wake up at odd hours just to use the net.

I just had a call from a customer who wanted to know if she had to bring in her computer to get connected to the Internet or if we could pick it up and deliver.

Customer: "My boyfriend says that I need a memory card to run the Internet. Is this where I get one?"

Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"

Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:

Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

...or...

Customer: "Do you own the Internet?"

...or...

Customer: "Is this 'Internet' the same as 'www' and do you own that as well?"

We would love to be able to say, just once, to these callers, "YES! We are the Internet, and we own all."

Customer: "I have a question about the Internet."

"I have a question about the Internet." Tech Support: "Ok, what's your question?"

"Ok, what's your question?" Customer: "How do I unsubscribe from a BBS?"

"How do I unsubscribe from a BBS?" Tech Support: "Uh, well, you should probably contact the people that run it."

"Uh, well, you should probably contact the people that run it." Customer: "Well who owns the Internet?"

I once got a "priority" tech support phone call. The guy's first words were: "I'm a vice president at [major ISP company], and we own the Internet."

Overheard on a train ride:

"The Internet -- isn't that a microchip?"

Overheard near the public Internet terminals in the Kiasma Modern Arts Museum in Helsinki, Finland:

"Isn't Netscape Navigator the Internet?"

Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

Had a guy call just recently, asking how to get to the Internet through a word processor.

Customer: "What do you mean I have to pay for Internet access??"

From a discussion on IRC:

"I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?"

I got a call from an administrative assistant in our office. She said when she opened Netscape it was smaller than normal, so she could not see the entire Internet.

Customer: "Do you have to use Netscape to get on the Internet, or do you have to use the program Netscape?"

Friend: "I'm going to leave AOL. I think I'll switch to Netscape."

"I'm going to leave AOL. I think I'll switch to Netscape." Me: "Um, Netscape isn't a way to get on the Internet. It's what lets you look at the Internet. You need an Internet Service Provider like AOL, CompuServe, or AT&T Worldnet."

"Um, Netscape isn't a way to get on the Internet. It's what lets you look at the Internet. You need an Internet Service Provider like AOL, CompuServe, or AT&T Worldnet." Friend: "Oh. I guess I'll get Internet Explorer."

Tech Support: "If you don't have a phone line, you can't connect to the Internet."

"If you don't have a phone line, you can't connect to the Internet." Customer: "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You guys need to do something about that if you want people to be happy with your service!" (click)

Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"

Customer: "Is the Internet down?"

Customer: "I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?"

Customer: "The Internet site's giving me a busy signal!"

(Usually due to the customer dialing his own phone number with his modem.)

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

"So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah."

"Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

"And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"

Some friends of mine and I stopped at a local bagel/bistro place that had three Macintosh computers hooked up so patrons could surf the web while they eat and slurp their coffee. None were being used. I walked over to them, and there, in front, was a prominent sign reading:

"The Internet is down all over the world!"

To this day I wonder if the employees were clueless, or if they made that message up to prevent questioning from angry patrons.

Bayfield High School announced in their recent yearbook that their introductory technology class had "almost completed rebuilding the Internet." That's some introductory class!

I attend a major Australian university, and the library computers are often the only Internet access that students have. This means that the librarians often have to explain to students how to use the net connection. One day as I was doing some research for an assignment, an older gentleman asked the library assistant how to print from a web site. He was fairly web savvy, so he was just asking about selecting and printing the text he wanted. The assistant complimented him on his prudent use of resources and said, "So many students don't do that. They just print out the whole Internet."

Now I knew our printers were fast, but I didn't realize they were that fast, or that we had that much paper. It was a real effort not to butt in and correct her, or burst out laughing, or both.

I am a student studying Computer Systems Engineering. In my final year, I moved into a house with a few friends, one of which was a woman studying English. As I was the only person connected to the Internet from our house, they all used my computer to check email and so forth. Well the English major kept asking me if she could have a look on "my Internet." I said she could, and she logged in and directed the browser to a search engine so she could find the information she wanted. Fifteen minutes later:

Her: "You really should get some English literature on your Internet. All I can find is computer-related stuff. The computers at the University have all sorts of information on their Internet. Maybe you should ask them for a copy?"

Several months ago, a woman came in and wanted to start an Internet account. She lugged her 17" monitor in, sat it on the counter, and proudly proclaimed, "I would like you to setup Internet on my computer." Holding in my laughter as best I could, I politely explained that she needed to bring in the "other" part of her computer.

Tech Support: "This is technical support returning your call for support. How can I help you?"

"This is technical support returning your call for support. How can I help you?" Customer: "I want to lodge a complaint."

"I want to lodge a complaint." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"

"What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "I specifically asked you not to program my Internet with pornography. I want it removed immediately."

Customer: "My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at [a British comedy site]."

"My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at [a British comedy site]." Tech Support: "Yes, what is the problem?"

"Yes, what is the problem?" Customer: "The '.uk' at the end -- doesn't that stand for United Kingdom?"

"The '.uk' at the end -- doesn't that stand for United Kingdom?" Tech Support: "Yes."

"Yes." Customer: "Just great -- I knew it! He's in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?"

"Just great -- I knew it! He's in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?" Tech Support: "It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges."

"It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges." Customer: "No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn't make any sense that they wouldn't. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to."

After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.

Customer: "Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL."

"Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL." Tech Support: "Yes?"

"Yes?" Customer: "Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?"

"Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?" Tech Support: "Trust me -- they don't."

"Trust me -- they don't." Customer: "Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn't know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service."

Customer: "I can't get any information off the Internet."

"I can't get any information off the Internet." Tech Support: "What happens when you hit our icon?"

"What happens when you hit our icon?" Customer: "What do you mean?"

"What do you mean?" Tech Support: "When you double click our icon does the modem dial up?"

"When you double click our icon does the modem dial up?" Customer: "What do you mean 'dial'?"

"What do you mean 'dial'?" Tech Support: (suppressed sigh) "Ok, when you hit our icon does the modem make a noise?"

(suppressed sigh) "Ok, when you hit our icon does the modem make a noise?" Customer: "Which one is your icon?"

"Which one is your icon?" Tech Support: (banging head on desk) "The [company name] icon."

(banging head on desk) "The [company name] icon." Customer: "I don't have that."

"I don't have that." Tech Support: "You do have an account with us don't you?"

"You do have an account with us don't you?" Customer: "Yes, of course I do."

"Yes, of course I do." Tech Support: "And our software is installed?"

"And our software is installed?" Customer: "Oh, no. I've been on the Internet and downloaded all the information on it, so I took your software off."

Customer: "Yes, hello, could please send me again one of those Internet programs of yours?"

"Yes, hello, could please send me again one of those Internet programs of yours?" Tech Support: "Sure, but didn't you get one when you subscribed with us?"

"Sure, but didn't you get one when you subscribed with us?" Customer: "Yes, well I threw that one away!"

"Yes, well I threw that one away!" Tech Support: "Why did you do that, if I may ask?"

"Why did you do that, if I may ask?" Customer: "Well, I installed all the programs and connected the first time and downloaded all the Internet, so I saw no use for it any more, so I uninstalled everything and threw the CD away."

"Well, I installed all the programs and connected the first time and downloaded all the Internet, so I saw no use for it any more, so I uninstalled everything and threw the CD away." Tech Support: (playing along) "Ok. But if you have downloaded all the Internet, why do you need another disk?"

(playing along) "Ok. But if you have downloaded all the Internet, why do you need another disk?" Customer: "Well, I forgot to download some part of the Internet."

Tech Support: "Ok sir, you're going to need to download those drivers from our web site. Do you have an Internet connection?"

"Ok sir, you're going to need to download those drivers from our web site. Do you have an Internet connection?" Customer: "WHAT!?!? OF COURSE I HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!!!! THIS IS THE 90'S!!!! This office has 30 PC's, each with an ISDN line for our graphic design business!"

"WHAT!?!? OF COURSE I HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!!!! THIS IS THE 90'S!!!! This office has 30 PC's, each with an ISDN line for our graphic design business!" Tech Support: "Great. Well, you should have no problems then. You need to go to our web site and download 'CDROM.EXE'."

"Great. Well, you should have no problems then. You need to go to our web site and download 'CDROM.EXE'." Customer: "And this will fix my problem, right?"

"And this will fix my problem, right?" Tech Support: "Yes sir."

"Yes sir." Customer: "Ok, now what number do I dial to get on the Internet?"

I'm the executive director of a company which produces communication media software, our principle program being a chat client.

Sometime back, in the days when I was still working for this company in technical and product support services, we used to do a lot of real time on-line support service on our chat server.

One day on site, I saw a man come into the room I happened to be working in. As I had the official company insignia of a support tech by my name, everyone else in the rather crowded room kept telling him to ask me. Now, keep in mind, all the chat dialogue in the room was scrolling very quickly. New users often find it difficult to follow a "threaded" conversation, and this guy was no exception.

Him: "LADY? CAN YOU HELP ME OR NOT???!!!"

"LADY? CAN YOU HELP ME OR NOT???!!!" Me: "What seems to be the problem?"

"What seems to be the problem?" Him: "HUH???!!! ..WAS THAT TO ME?!!!"

"HUH???!!! ..WAS THAT TO ME?!!!" Me: "Yes; what seems to be the problem?"

"Yes; what seems to be the problem?" Him: "WHAT??????!!!!!!! I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!! ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME OR NOT???!!!"

"WHAT??????!!!!!!! I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU SAY???!!! ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME OR NOT???!!!" Me: "Yes, sir. I'm trying to ascertain the nature of your problem. Let me move us both to a private room where we can speak without all of these other distractions."

"Yes, sir. I'm trying to ascertain the nature of your problem. Let me move us both to a private room where we can speak without all of these other distractions." Him: "I TOLD YOU!!! I DON'T HAVE TIME!!!! I NEED HELP NOW!!!!"

"I TOLD YOU!!! I DON'T HAVE TIME!!!! I NEED HELP NOW!!!!" Me: "Yes. What is the problem you need help with?"

"Yes. What is the problem you need help with?" Him: "I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO GET ON THE INTERNET!!!!!"

Customer: "I just went out and bought the newest unit they have out and having trouble hooking up to the Internet!"

"I just went out and bought the newest unit they have out and having trouble hooking up to the Internet!" Tech Support: "What type of machine are you running?"

"What type of machine are you running?" Customer: "A Nintendo 64!"

"A Nintendo 64!" Tech Support: "Sorry, but you can't hook that up to the Internet. You need a computer with a modem first."

"Sorry, but you can't hook that up to the Internet. You need a computer with a modem first." Customer: "Well, can't I just buy a modem thing and stuff it inside somewhere?"

Customer: "Am I supposed to hear those people on the IRC?"

I wondered if he was calling because he couldn't hear them, or because he could.

I fix computers for most of my friends, so it's not uncommon for a friend to approach me about fixing one of their friend's computers. What is uncommon is the fact that this woman completely dismantled not one but two of her computers because it wouldn't connect to the Internet. (She figured she could open the case and find the problem?)

I was expecting to receive two PCs that would require the reinsertion of graphics cards, and possibly a drive or two from the description, but that wasn't to be. What I was given was a huge box full of parts. She went to the trouble of unscrewing the motherboards from their casings in her frenzy. I have no clue why she did all of this, but she said she just got pissed and didn't stop until every single component was taken apart.

My friend then informed me that she didn't need two working computers, so if I just made one computer out of the box of hardware, she'd give me one of her LCD monitors, because she wouldn't need the other. I agreed, since I'd been planning on getting a new monitor anyway.

Nine hours later, I had one fully functional computer. It wouldn't have normally take that long, but the situation was so funny that a good portion of the time I spent putting it together I was laughing too hard to really do anything.

I called the woman up and told her I was finished. She came over the next day with my monitor, and I gave her her computer. I told her that if she had any more problems to call me, and I'd help her through it.

I got a call an hour later. The computer still wouldn't connect to the Internet. This was odd, because I'd been able to connect at my house the night before, and I'd downloaded updated drivers and everything. I told her I was on my way over.

So I got there and checked things out. Everything was hooked up correctly. She had a LAN connection that was actually connected, but sure enough, I couldn't connect to the Internet. I asked her where her modem or router was, and she just stared at me blankly. So I followed the ethernet cable and found a router. It was set up right, the DSL modem was connected to the router in the correct manner, but then I discovered that there was no phone line connected to the modem.

Once I pointed this out, she pulled out a 50 foot phone line that she'd purchased specifically for her modem, and I hooked it up. I found the nearest phone outlet and discovered there was a DSL/phone line adapter hooked up to the jack. She'd bought a line, prepared the jack, but never connected it all up. Because of that, she'd torn apart two computers and gave me a monitor.