Mashu's Guide to Surviving Chaldea (For New Recruits)

A list of things to do, or avoid doing, when interacting with

some of the biggest egos in the universe in the workplace







This list is copyright of Mashu Kyrielight. Any attempt to reproduce this list without the creator's permission will be met with shield bashing followed by Arthurian Retribution from upwards of five knights, and one very fluffy animal.





1. Respect the mages. They aren't all worth it, but they think they are and get very cranky when you don't show respect.



2. Avoid Gilgamesh. He's the impossibly handsome blonde man with red eyes. He wears golden armor and if not, has gold earrings, a gold necklace, and is unquestionably the shiniest Servant in the building. He is also the meanest, most volatile, unpredictable, egomaniacal, and above all, terrifying Servants here. If you see him and he shows you mercy, do not run away. Politely excuse yourself and if he asks you to stay, stand in that spot until he says you can go. Even if that takes an hour. Take it from a girl who had to stay in Servant form for a week to regenerate her legs.



3. Anyone who makes a joke about the size of Sir Galahad's breasts will deal with two angry Lancelots. I will ignore you, but he does not.



4. The way to Arturia's heart is through her stomach. She likes rice, chicken, beef, bread, most kinds of fish…actually, if it's edible and looks presentable, she probably likes it. She's a real gourmand, but she isn't very picky either.



5. Saber Alter isn't as evil as she looks.



6. Red Saber is not Saber of Red.



7. Be careful not to get the 'saberfaces' confused.



8. If you're looking for drinking buddies, look no further than Scáthach and her squad of sexy Irishmen (they're very, very sexy). Cú Chulainn also joins Iskandar, El-Melloi II and Jaguar Man. They're fun to hang out with, but keep an eye out for Gilgamesh. He joins them sometimes. That said, Drunk Gilgamesh, while significantly more volatile, is also significantly less dangerous.



9. If you see a goose in a bonnet, please return her to Nursery Rhyme. Mother Goose is one of her best friends but she sometimes gets lost.



9. Try not to confuse Enkidu for a woman.



10. Never ever hit on Enkidu, whether Gilgamesh is in the room or not.



11. Do not question why Gilgamesh appears on this list so many times. It will save your life, and most of your body parts.



12. Tamamo Cat bakes and gives out free hugs. Tamamo no Mae makes puns, curses you, and then 'Ohohos' about it. And then makes another pun.



13. Tamamo Cat's free hugs are very tight. If you want one, either have a strong back, or very loose hamstrings.



14. For your own safety, do not call Asterios 'The Minotaur.' Doing so always results in horn impalements.



15. Though he was a man-eater in the Labyrinth, Asterios is a big ol' teddy bear.



16. Stheno and Euryale may be cute, but their mistreatment of their little sister is indefensible.



17. Medusa is very self-conscious about her height. When speaking to her, do not stand so close as to have to tilt your head upward unless you are already very short.



18. If Erzsébet offers to serenade you, run as far away as possible, as quickly as possible. There is a reason she calls other people 'piggies.'



19. Erzsébet has no self-awareness. Carmilla however takes it to an entirely new level, and is wildly unstable about it. If you point out that she is a crazed psychopathic murderer, even while she's murdering young women in a singularity, she will freak out over being 'misrepresented' as a vampire. As you will see, she does her best to avoid that misconception by going on killing sprees as much as possible. Just steer clear.



20. Tamamo no Mae has a soft spot for humans. As long as you don't get too close, and don't let your guard down, she's actually very nice. I want to emphasize that: be very, very careful.



21. The Knights of the Round Table might sometimes seem like the sanest people here, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're always good company.



22. Marie Antoinette isn't smart by any stretch of the term, but she isn't as dumb as the french have made her out to be.



23. Do not raid the nameless Archer's ingredients fridge. He will know. I don't know how he does it, but he will.



24. Just because a Berserker can talk does not mean they are sane. Kiyohime will end you .



25. Do not compare Arturia and Lion King's cup sizes.



26. Do not call Lion King 'Simba.' I called her that by accident once and learned that lesson the hard way. I'm just glad she just smacked me with the lance and didn't actually use it on me.



27. We're not sure where Bors, Kay and Percival are, but we're expecting them to show up eventually.



28. If Merlin asks you if you'd like to volunteer to help him with something, respectfully but firmly decline.



29. If Gilgamesh asks you if you'd like to help him with something, then something has caused him to swallow his pride and as much as we'd all like to shake it's hand, we should probably take Gilgamesh up on his offer to destroy it before it destroys us.



30. Do not ogle Medb. She will jump on you and attempt to mount you whether you want it or not.



31. If Brynhildr challenges you to a drinking contest, do not accept. You will die before she even gets tipsy. She proved that by beating Scáthach, and we all thought the dark witch was invincible. All four Cú Chulainns were inconsolable for a week after that. That said, do not accept a challenge from Scáthach or any of the Irish Lancers, Sabers, Casters, or what-have-you either.

This applies to Siegfried and Sigurd if he ever shows up as well. They're Norsefolk. I have no doubt that they could chug absinth without dying even once.



32. If you hear a pair of Rhinos copulating in Medb's room, that is not her idea of a good time; it is (or rather was) my idea of revenge for being kept up for a month.

That said, do not ask about the horse in there.



33. Altera is good civilization. Please don't ask me what she means when she says things like that. We all love her though.



34. Archimedes is a duplicitous sociopathic fiend, but he does try his best to help out, though he's got a pretty twisted idea about what should happen to the uneducated. That said, as long as you respect his genius, he will tolerate you.



35. Nero is not quite right in the head, but her lead poisoning isn't as bad as it might appear to be from your first impression of her. Give her a few more chances. She'll come around.



36. If you try to say that Tamamo is not adorable, we know you're lying. She's irresistibly cute.



37. Tamamo's tail is reserved for her special someone. We don't know who that is, but she doesn't allow anyone else to touch it. We are all deeply saddened by this, but know that if we can control ourselves, so can you. Also, your life probably depends on it.



38. If you see Caster Gilles de Rais staring at you, run away screaming. That should satisfy him enough not to kill you until he sees you again, at which point wash, rinse, repeat. This is unnecessary if one of the three Jeanne Alters is in the room with him. Do not make the mistake of thinking you're safe though. Jeanne Alter is deadly.



39. Shiki is in a committed relationship don't bother hitting on her. Void Shiki is married and doesn't really seem very interested in anything. Don't bother hitting on her either.



40. Just… don't even talk to Blackbeard. Francis Drake is only marginally better.



41. Do not be fooled by Dr. Jekyll. He's very nice, but Mr. Hyde could switch with him at any moment.



42. Even Berserker Heracles has a heart. Don't be afraid of him. Just don't try to shake hands either.



43. Da Vinci is a man. Seriously.

I'm not joking. Really!



44. A few people do know the Nameless Archer's real name. They will never tell you what it is, so don't even ask.



45. If the nameless Archer mouths off to you, you've made a good impression.



46. Don't ask where King Solomon is. Please, just don't.



47. If Quetzequatl offers to make you a mug of hot cocoa before bed, say no thank you. She means well, but she drinks the ceremonial Aztec beverage. She is not bringing you Nesquick.



48. If Medb offers you a drink, accept it. Do not drink it. She will let you walk away with it, but as soon as you're out of her line of sight, pour it into a garbage bin, (not the drain) and wash the glass she gave it to you in carefully with dish detergent. Twice. I don't know whether she's using ketamine or some other drug, but whatever it is, if she gives you anything that you can injest, it's a safe bet that she's trying to rape you.

Actually, it's not a safe bet. No one would make it because no one would believe anything else.



49. If you call Atalanta 'Atalanyan' to her face, expect to look like a sea urchin within a matter of seconds.



50. Don't ask where Arcueid and the Tsukihime and Melty Blood characters are. We're waiting for them but are beginning to suspect that Nasu is waiting on that for the release of the Tsuki remake for that, so don't hold your breath.





"Wait, is that all?" said Ritsuka, sounding somewhat disappointed.



Mashu looked down at her shoes.



"I'm sorry Senpai. That's all I could come up with on short notice. We're bound to see more people coming in soon now that the world exists again."



"You've got a point—hey!" someone suddenly pulled Mashu's list from his hands. He was about to turn to see who it was, but Mashu's trembling figure was answer enough.



"It's Gilgamesh behind me, isn't it."



Mashu nodded stiffly.



"Indeed," confirmed the golden Servant.



They waited for him to kill them. But then…



"I approve of this," he said, handing the list back.



Mashu let out a breath.



"Well that was anti-climactic," said Ritsuka. Coincidentally, Erzsébet voiced the same phrase as a complaint at the same time.



"Come to think of it, was there even a plot to this fic?"



"No. I don't think it's necessarily over either," said Ritsuka.



"Oh…" the vampire trailed off. "Say, when's the next flight to Canada coming here?"



"Why do you want to go there?"



"To kill the author before he adds anything else to this worthless tripe."



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Author's note: Fuck.



Well, I'm probably gonna die now. But maybe I can at least finish one more story, a better/real one, before she arrives and tries to drink me. Or just does.