It's almost May, which means one of the most annoying creatures in Florida is about to plague the state.

No, not legislators. They swarm in March and are largely confined to their natural habitat — the bars, private clubs and dark alleys of Tallahassee where lobbyists cut them checks.

I'm talking about love bugs.

Twice a year, the coupled flies invade Florida. Now is one of those times. So after another week of divisive political news, I thought we could unite around critters we all love to loathe.

I wanted to understand why they are here, why they swarm, how they can mess up our cars and why they fly around attached to each other.

The first thing I learned is that love bugs aren't supposed to be here at all. Much like Burmese pythons, lion fish and residents of New Jersey, love bugs invaded Florida. They came from their native lands of Central and South America, presumably in search of theme parks and retirement communities.

Except that love bugs don't really get to enjoy retirement. They die a few days after they are born.

They hatch, mate and then perish — which ain't a bad, if short, life.

The males hatch first and then swarm feverishly, waiting for the females to arrive … much like guys at a fraternity before the sorority bus shows up.

When the females finally come out, it's a fight to impress. And when a female finally selects a mate, they're usually hitched for life.

The randy little rascals immediately start mating, leaving absolutely no time for safe-sex lessons.

They stay coupled for days. Why?

"They're mating," explained Dr. Philip Koehler, an entomology professor at the University of Florida.

I'm familiar with mating, Doc. It doesn't usually last 72 hours.

"They're very good at it," he responded.

You go, bugs.

Actually, these little guys don't have nonstop rumpy pumpy. The males stay attached to prevent another male from coming in and fertilizing the female as well.

See, research shows that the last male love bug to, um, fertilize is the one whose babies get born.

"The male is preventing another male from mating," explained Dr. Norman C. Leppla, another love-bug expert at UF.

That's right, UF has two love bug experts. But the two profs don't spend their lives attached. In fact, both study lots of other things and often fight to let the other serve as the state's chief love-bug luminary.

"If you're out of the room, you get elected," Leppla explained.

Why the disdain for these little guys? Mainly because they make a mess when they and their acidic-larvae hit your car and splatter all over your windshield.

Humans are funny this way. We murder these bugs and then claim we're the victims. (Hey bug, I knew I just ended your life — as well as the future lives of all your babies — but now I have to go through the trauma of finding a wet paper towel.)

You do want to get them off your car as soon as possible, though. (Damp dryer sheets work well.) If left to decompose, their larvae and guts turn more acidic and can eat through your clear coat or paint. Think of it as revenge from the grave.

An interesting thing about love bugs — also known as plecia nearctica, which is Latin for "Splat!" — is that there are a lot fewer of them in Florida than there used to be.

Decades ago, motorists could barely drive down the Turnpike without stopping every few miles to wipe all the bug guts off their windshields.

Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel (Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel)

But their population has diminished — quite significantly, Leppla said. The scientists aren't completely sure why, but it may be partly because love bugs don't have any really impressive survival defenses. In fact, Koehler said, they have only one.

"Have you ever tasted one?" he asked.

Now, Doc, wouldn't it be weird if I said yes?

"Their main defense is not to taste good or smell good," he said. "So some birds don't eat them."

Apparently we don't want birds to eat them all anyway. Their larvae feed on decaying vegetation, making them one of the world's tiniest clean-up crews.

So the bottom line appears to be they're not all that harmful. There are fewer of them than before. And they actually do some good.

"Believe it or not," Leppla said, "some of us love love bugs."

Maybe more than legislators anyway.

"Actually," Leppla noted, "most of the funding we have to study this came from the Legislature."

I still like love bugs better.

smaxwell@orlandosentinel.com