Sam Winchester’s Journal – Entry #37





All the strength my body has managed to regain in the past month seems to have disappeared as fast as it showed up. It feels like I can’t charge the batteries anymore even after fifteen hours of sleep. It’s not just about being tired and stiff, there’s something else, something I can’t put my finger on, the same eerie feeling that has been bugging me since I woke up in the car after we left the church.

Dean tried to convince me for the 100th time that what I’m going through at the moment is perfectly normal, just a random side effect of the Trials but I know that’s a load of crap. My brother has started to sound like broken record, same song, different verse, and I’m not buying his bullshit anymore.

I heard twice from two different creatures in the space of one month that there was something wrong with me. What were Chief Leo’s words again? “What are you?” And Vesta, what the hell did she mean by, “you’re all duct tape and safety pins inside”?

Honestly, I didn’t really need these confirmations; I’ve always known, deep inside, I wasn’t like everybody else. Castiel called me an abomination once and he was right, it wasn’t just some joke that crossed his mind while being drunk. In vino veritas, as we say but I can’t really blame him. I mean, how else would you describe a man that Lucifer himself chose as his very favorite amongst several billion? It started practically at birth after Azazel gave me that demon blood then it carried on all my life because I was special, because it was “Destiny”, not just a series of unfortunate events.

I’ve never been normal. Period.

Dean knows it. Dad knew it too. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me when he learned I had visions, how it gave him the final proof I was nothing but a freak. I thought that the Trials helped me to get rid of all this, that I have been purged from all the evil I had in me for good, that I was pure at last, but it was just a lie.

I felt pure but I wasn’t and I will never be.