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WITHOUT so much as a polite hello to the TV viewing public, Virgin Media One, still known as TV3 to your Mam, has unleashed as many as 11 new Xposé presenters on an unsuspecting public, sparking mass panic.

Saoirse, Cara, Holly, Sadbh, Holly 2, Sharon, Mags, Zara, Aoibheann, Nina and Sajida appeared on screens with no forewarning, discussing anything from new fake eyelashes made from genuine unicorn tail to a dress that works perfectly if you’re going straight from work to an orgy and then onto mass.

TV viewers have reported feeling overwhelmed as they had just managed to master the names of whoever was most recently anchoring the show, and now they were expected to get used to 11 new unique personalities that don’t in any way blend into an indecipherable amorphous splash of extreme contouring.

“Hi, I’m Holly 2 and welcome to Xposé I’m filling in for Sheena who is on maternity leave and was filling in for Magda who we don’t talk about anymore who was filling in for Beibhinn who was filling in for Caoilfhionn who had to go because her name was too hard for viewers to pronounce,” shared one of the new presenters, a beaming iridescent light of pure enthusiasm.

“What the fuck. Where did they come? Why? How? Seriously why? This is too much to take in,” one TV viewer screamed as she desperately attempted to locate her TV remote.

Virgin Media tightly guards the secrecy surrounding their Xposé presenters programme and would not be drawn on where these 11 new presenters came from and would not rule unleashing more presenters soon.