Huge congratulations to the prime minister of Ethiopia, who has just been awarded the Nobel peace prize in Oslo, beating out competition from hotly fancied regional candidate Greta Thunberg. Abiy Ahmed was garlanded for his efforts to achieve peace and international cooperation, and for bringing an end to more than 20 years of conflict between Ethiopia and its neighbouring Eritrea. So yes, this is a victory.

But in a very real sense, far more deeply felt in the content mills of the west, it is also a tragedy. Clearly, Abiy’s win and Greta’s loss leaves countless angry hacks, pundits, shockjocks, populists, provocateurs and alt-right conspiracists with an unexpected hole in their rant schedule. The crusaders had their already somewhat familiar backlashes against this 16-year-old climate activist all ready to go, and then this absolute dog in the manger goes and ruins it for them. How dare he?! That is the most urgent question we face today.

You’ll see how easily your criticisms of Greta can be applied to Abiy – or anyone else who actually cares about anything

For those guys – and they are mostly guys, for whatever reason – I have good news. I’m here to assist! I know the one type of recycling you really commit to is content recycling. Specifically, your own. Some of you are so committed to this lifestyle that you have not actually availed yourself of any new content in years – so why should this occasion be any different? Why not slightly repurpose your anti-Greta rants to suit the person who did end up winning? Simply take your exact same Greta attack lines, and substitute “him” and “his” for “she” and “her”. Honestly, you’ll see how easily your rabid criticisms of Greta can be applied to Abiy – or, indeed, to anyone else, from anywhere, who actually cares about anything, and tries to do something about it. What follows will show you just how interchangeable your theory-of-everything arguments are. And I hope you’ll be grateful for the fact I’ve included a leeetle pushback against each one, just to keep you sharp.

“Like Greta, Abiy’s voice is weird.” Yes, he has an Ethiopian accent. But listen: try not to be overly triggered by people who speak differently to you. If it helps, imagine Greta and Abiy are a pair of European football managers who – if they finally wearied of humouring your imbecilic questions – could actually insult members of your trade in at least four languages.

“Like Greta, Abiy can be publicly emotional.” Definitely. In June he was seen weeping at a memorial to an assassinated general. I think people generally prefer the cold, hard logic you scream into the camera on your conspiracy-zine cable show.

“Like Greta, Abiy goes about things the wrong way.” I feel sure you’re on to something here – Abiy’s brand of politics has been credited for its informality, energy and charisma, and you could definitely pick holes in that. One east African political expert said of Abiy’s rapid achievements in a single year: “For Ethiopia, a country where everything has been done in a very prescriptive, slow and managed way, these changes are unprecedented.” As you have done with Greta, I know you’ll find a way of tutting that there are established ways of doing things, and those who don’t adhere to them should be treated with suspicion and barely masked fear.

“Like Greta, Abiy seems to have a pretty high opinion of himself.” I know, right? People have said this about Abiy. And I know I’ve heard it about Greta. In fact, I think I heard it on TV, from you, one of those times you went all the way out to the Sky TV studios at half past eleven at night to do the paper review to build your media brand.

“Like Greta, Abiy does not speak for working-class people.” This one’s always worth a punt, so wheel it out again. But to clarify, I assume we’re talking about working-class people where you are honking this particular observation, typically a broadcast studio in London? It’s possible you need to get out a little more – and most particularly, out of broadcast studios. For now, let me bring you up to speed: working-class people in Ethiopia really did care about Abiy’s cause, just as working-class people in, say, the Philippines, definitely care about Greta’s cause, because they’re going to drown before you do. This is how we know there’s no climate justice in the world.

“Like Greta, Abiy just picked a right-on cause.” Well, quite – and the last thing you should do is wonder why it was right-on. Instead, try to get 10 minutes of talk radio out of explaining why caring about Ethiopia is very Bob Geldof. If anyone can, you can.

“Like Greta, is it possible Abiy is being influenced by his parents?” Both of Abiy’s parents are dead, but this is still an important point: it’s definitely possible they have had an influence on his life. Many people have parents who are or were interested in the things they are interested in, who wished them success, and basically agreed with them on several subjects. Parsing your entire output, I’m guessing you don’t. Are these two things maybe connected? I know you value saying the unsayable above all, so in that spirit you’d support me asking: is it possible your parents openly dislike you? Or maybe secretly do?

“Like Greta, shouldn’t Abiy be in school?” Not really. I’m afraid the Ethiopian prime minister is 43, so this is the one point I think you’re going to struggle to upcycle. Still, I’m sure you could imply heavily that he has an awful lot to learn. We all have – and seemingly from you. As long as asking why someone isn’t in school counts as you being in work, the entire planet should simply thank you for your service.

• Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist