By: Doug Ford

I just don’t get it! Thousands of students protesting at Queen’s Park and for what? Because I did them a favour and fired a bunch a’ dumb teachers who force them to go to school! The only explanation is that everyone who came to the rally are the lame dorks who love going to class and doin’ homework and dumb stuff like that. The cool kids would never have come out to a boring protest. As if.

Let me tell you a story: back in my day, me and my friends Cheese and Boofer would hang out behind the gym and talk about how totally rad it would be to fire all the teachers so we could just smoke butts and rock out to Quiet Riot all day instead of learning stupid math and English. We were the heroes of the school man! And now when I actually do it, I become some sort of bad guy. For giving kids exactly what the dream is about! I’m living in crazy town!

It makes no sense! Look at me. I should be the king of the freakin’ town, dude. I drive around in a totally tricked out van, scorin’ cheap beer for my buds, and making sure sex-ed doesn’t include any gross gay stuff. And yet instead of worshipping me and inviting me to awesome keggers, I get criticized!

Everyone knows caring about things is for squares. I bet while all the twerps were outside holding hands with their teachers the football team and the cheerleaders were drinking brewskies in someone’s sweet basement or filling the principal’s car with ping pong balls. Oh man, that would be so epic. I wish they had called me up to do that to them. That would totally stick it to the man!

I tried kickin’ it old school here in parliament. I gave Andrea Horwath laxative filled brownies and put a goat in Kathleen Wynne’s office. But it just wasn’t the same. Horwath just thanked me for helping relieve her constipation and Wynne’s kids love the goat. Lame.

When did people start caring about what some dweebs think, anyways? I used to throw those spaz’s into lockers and now they’re telling ME what to do!? You know what? I’m gonna go head out to the quarry and spend time with the popular kids. They’ll recognize that firing teachers is dope. Maybe I’ll even show them some of my old football moves. Aw yeah, that’s gonna be so shred!