It was like I was 18 again, and buying rubbers at the hometown Rite-Aid. I felt the same mixture of exhilaration, panic, and shame as I walked to the counter. I was terrified somebody might see me, a neighbor or a family friend, and adrenaline was pumping… wherever adrenaline pumps.



”Um, I’ll take a Baconator,” I mumbled down the front of my shirt collar.



”WHAT?!” the snaggle-toothed cashier bellowed.



”Baconator,” I repeated, already a little rattled and losing my nerve. I knew if all this shouting continued I’d probably just make a run for it, and leave my car in the parking lot until after closing time.



But she processed my order without further incident, and in a couple of minutes I was handed a white sack with a shockingly heavy weight to it. And I walked out the door feeling naughty.



The Baconator, in case you’re not aware, is Wendy’s new Screw You hamburger, aimed directly at a demographic that wants to get all defiant with its fast food.



Tired of the suffocating healthy-living propaganda, and light choices and whatnot, there’s a considerable number of people who respond to items which blatantly stick a thumb in the collective eye of hand-wringers and crybabies everywhere. And if it halts your heart, well mister, that’s just the way it goes… You’ve got to stand up for what you believe in.



I’m not really one of the Screw You guys. Not yet, anyway. I still feel slightly guilty when I order something I know is loaded with fat. And contrary to popular belief, I give such things at least a passing consideration.



But when I saw the advance advertising for the Baconator, I knew I had to have one. At least one.



This baby features two quarter-pound beef patties, each breaded in salt, two thick slabs of American cheese, six(!) slices of hickory-smoked bacon, mayonnaise and ketchup… and not a damn thing that’s healthy.



Heck, there’s not even a single thin slice of tomato on there, because, I suspect, the Baconator framers felt it might pussify the situation, and maybe alienate the Screw You crowd.



So I took the disgraceful thing home and unwrapped it. And it was a little smaller than anticipated; it was no larger than a regular Wendy’s Double, or something like that. But boy, was it dense. It’s like some kind of optical illusion. You see it and subconsciously calculate its weight. But when you pick it up you find that it’s impossibly heavy.



And here’s the insidious part: the shit is good. Real good. Oh man, I enjoyed every last bite of that bunker-busting, colon-choking hamburger. I have no doubt half of it’s still clinging to the walls of my beleaguered bowels, likely furry and fluttering by now, and that my heart is probably starting to resemble a stuffed pepper at this point. But I wasn’t caring about any of that as I lifted that beautiful, delicious burger to my quivering lips. It’s all about the rush, man.



But since then I’ve been doing a bit of research, and have uncovered some amazing information. For instance, did you know that the Wendy’s Baconator has roughly the same amount of fat grams as ten Dolly Madison Zingers? Apparently it’s true.



And were you aware it serves up about the same number of calories as ten bottles of Rolling Rock Light? Or that it contains approximately the same amount of sodium as 180 Pringles potato chips? 180!!



I’ve taken the liberty of listing some of my findings below. I've included well-known foods and the quantities required to equal the fat grams, calories, and sodium content of a single Wendy's Baconator burger. Each entry adds up, I believe, to the "nutritional" statistics found at the Wendy's corporate website.



Sodium (1920 mg)



180 Pringles potato chips

132 Doritos Cooler Ranch chips



Calories (830)



10 Rolling Rock Light 12 oz bottles

4 Dodger Dogs

5 7-Eleven Cola Slurpees 12 oz

3 Chili Dogs from The Varsity in Atlanta

33 tablespoons of Oscar Mayer Bacon Bits

83 Life Saver Five Flavors candies

166 Starbucks coffees of the week 12 oz

4 Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnuts

Enough Pam No-Stick Cooking Spray to cover 138 10-inch skillets



Fat grams (51)



10 Dolly Madison Zingers

3 orders of A&W cheese fries

4 Dairy Queen banana splits

22 Oreo cookies

51 cups of Froot Loops

10 servings of KFC mashed potatoes with gravy

22 Mrs. Paul's Crunchy Fish Sticks

23 3 Musketeers funsize snacks

1 Sara Lee frozen cheesecake

6 ounces of Oscar Mayer hard salami

19 Chips Ahoy cookies

4 Jimmy Dean Pancake and Sausage on a Stick, chocolate chip flavored

68 Aunt Jemima microwaveable pancakes

Clear!



In addition to the information above, it appears a person would have to do 78 minutes of non-stop vigorous jumping jacks, or walk at 3.5 mph for 2 hours and 45 minutes, to work off the number of calories in that outrageous burger.



But, of course, I didn't do any of that nonsense. I just ate the thing (along with a Coke and a full order of fries), wiped the grease off my face, my hands, the table, the chair, the credenza, and all the windows on the first floor, then got on the internet for the rest of the day.



And I give the Wendy's Baconator a solid B+.



Further fast food shenanigans