When Asa and I aren’t going to the DVDASA studio or some obscure location for her to make films for dudes to jack off to, I have to drive other people around because I’m hustlin hustlin looking for a few dollars here or there to support my cat. But unfortunately they’re not always that bright or considerate.

Dear Client,

Thank you for using my driving service and if you noticed, there is complimentary breath fresheners and hand desanitizer since no one knows where your mouth or fingers have been in the last 2 hours. There are also free condoms in case you forget to bring some. However, when you ask me who these are for and I say “for you girls”, it doesn’t mean for you to take home that bottle of Victoria’s Secret bottle of cologne. When you go out to eat, you don’t take that bottle of ketchup with you, do you?

Please don’t dress like a cheap whore, you know you’re one, I know you’re one but we don’t need everyone in the hotel lobby to know you’re one. Discretion is important in our line of work, you don’t walk the track anymore so leave the short shorts and the heavy mascara at home.

When you give me a specific time, that is what you’re booking me and confirmed for. When you change the time, do not assume I am still available,,,especially when you do not return my text until 30 minutes later. Yes, I will pick up your “employee” since you have a medical emergency although you might want to rethink your priority when the doctor is involved.

Thanks for the free roll of cheap toilet paper. I never look at a tip horse in the mouth.

When I text you “I’m here” please don’t reply with “I don’t see you” and you haven’t left the front door. I can’t double park to block traffic so you might have to take a few steps away from the door to see me parked 5 feet to the right of your entrance.

Of course I can’t say any of this to my clients which is probably why I have a flexible back and a greasy ass. But hell, my wallet doesn’t judge. Nor my cat.