BESPIN — In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the galaxy, Lobot, Lando Calrissian’s trusted aide, has spoken out against the Baron Administrator of Cloud City. The normally mute Lo is breaking a lifetime of silence to disclose lurid details of various crimes committed by Calrission, oftentimes with assistance from the bald second-in-command. Lobot sat down and spoke exclusively with FakingStarWars.



FSW: Hello Mr. Lobot. Thanks for your time. Can you tell us what Lando did to you?

(Lobot answered via hand gestures, which made it clear many gross acts were performed on him, some involving what appeared to be shadow animals.)

FSW: Thank you, but can you put that into words for our readers?

LBT: I would prefer not to.

FSW: He speaks! I knew it! You have a really great voice for someone who hasn’t used it for so long. Strong yet velvety smooth. Ever consider voicework?

(Lobot shook his head in disgust.)

FSW: Why are you speaking out now?

LBT: At first I believed the change of heart was due to my latest firmware. But that seemed illogical, simply due to the fact that I was crying. Real human tears.

FSW: Why were you crying?

LBT: I was at a comedy show, and my favorite comedian, Salacious B. Crumb went into a routine involving Lando…

FSW: What a hack! Aim higher, Salacious. Jesus, he’s still doing the same schtick about Lando’s cape?

LBT: No. This was about Lando drugging me. And doing things.

FSW: Oh. Sally joked about that right in front of you.

LBT: No. I was wearing a disguise. But his jokes still really hit close to home.

FSW: I’m sorry to hear that. Salacious gonna Salacious I guess.

LBT: So I went back to my suite, a mess. I cried and cried all night. Then I looked out my floor-to-ceiling windows, and there it was…

FSW: A twin pod car? The First Order? Darth Plagueis?

LBT: No, a cloud in the shape of a mouth. My mouth.

FSW: Hold up, you saw a cloud on Cloud City that looked like you?

LBT: Yes, and it spoke to me.

FSW: Lo, you trippin’ dawg, but yo, what you say to yourself?

LBT: Help.

FSW: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn. That’s crazy!

(Lobot’s head started ringing.)

LBT: Pardon me, I have to take this.

(Lobot touched his Google Brainware and began talking to his agent. It seems they were pinning down dates for an extensive book tour with speaking engagements planned everywhere, including Outer Rim worlds. Not that we were eavesdropping.)

LBT: Apologies. Where was I? I was crying, and the cloud spoke to me. Right then, I knew I had to speak out. I could not stay quiet any longer.

FSW: Did you know about the 30 or so Ugnaughts? And the pair of Rodians?

LBT: I only know about what was in my heart. And so I spoke out.

FSW: What was your first word?

LBT: Help.

FSW: No, not your cloud self’s first word. Your actual self’s first word upon breaking the silence?

LBT: Help.

FSW: I see what you did there. Makes sense. But tell me this, do you remember what your very first first word was as a Lobaby?

(Lobot fingered his brainware, and his eyes flashed red for a second.)

LBT: HELP! Get me out of here. This guy’s an idiot.

(Security quickly stormed the room.)

Special thanks to Lobot for the interview, and Cloud City security for gently throwing us off Cloud City. Look for Lobot’s tell-all this Fall wherever questionable books are sold.

-William “Willybobo” Bobo