OTTAWA

Clarke MacArthur has returned to the ice at the Canadian Tire Centre because he’s not ready to shut the door, throw in the towel or extinguish the fire that burns deep inside to pull on his No. 16 jersey again.

Unable to get clearance in January to return this season four months after he suffered his fourth concussion in the past 18 months in training camp, the 31-year-old MacArthur travelled to Fort Myers to actually give retirement a shot.

In his first interview since he was denied clearance to play, MacArthur told Postmedia on Sunday that as hard as he tried, he couldn’t walk away and that’s why he’s back in an attempt to see if he can resume his career but, as far as the team is concerned, the status quo remains that he won’t be back this season.

“I basically, in all honesty, went to Florida to try and retire,” MacArthur said in an exclusive interview. “If I go out in Florida no one cares about hockey, I thought this would make it easier to get away from it. That worked for about the first week. I thought the whole week that I had convinced myself to move on and do something different. I didn’t know what to do or where I was going with it but I was just trying to check myself out of hockey.

“By the second week, I was like, ‘I’m going to start going to the gym again’ and by the third week I was talking with (strength coach) Chris Schwarz and he was e-mailing me workouts and by the fourth week I was looking at flights to come back. My plan of retiring didn’t last very long.”

MacArthur was back skating with injured teammates Bobby Ryan and Chris Neil last week while the Senators were on the road to see if he can get to the point he can return for the first time since he suffered a concussion on Oct. 15, 2015, against the Columbus Blue Jackets.

MacArthur was so close in January that plans were in place for him to play. After having a baseline test, he was prepared to suit up Jan. 21 against the Toronto Maple Leafs at the Air Canada Centre. Instead, on Jan. 20, GM Pierre Dorion told the media MacArthur wouldn’t play this season.

The news was devastating.

“Anyone that’s out puts a lot more work in than the guys playing because you’re missing the games and you always have to go that extra distance,” MacArthur said. “To do that and to get where I felt as good a shape as I’ve ever been in and to get to that news, it crushed me.

“I was really upset, frustrated and you’re wondering, ‘How did this happen?’ Not just the hit in camp, but the string of events over the last couple of years for a person who loves to play and wants to play, how did this happen? That’s just part of life.

“At the end of the day, there’s a reason things happen and that’s not just in hockey, in your reporting work, the electrician or anyone. There’s things that happen. It doesn’t make sense at the time but you have to deal with it.”

As difficult as that has been for MacArthur, everybody knows it’s hard to keep a good man down. When he met with Dorion and athletic therapist Gerry Townend, neither told him to hang up his skates.

“I talked with Pierre and Gerry when I first found out. Both guys, you get in a room with them and you know something is wrong. Pierre cares about his players like he would his kids,” MacArthur said. “He was upset as I was. I remember both of them saying, ‘This is an awful time, but it’s not over and it’s only over if you want it to be over.’ They gave me the option to do whatever I needed to do for myself which was great.

“As far as me asking to leave town for a bit, it was never a question. ‘Whatever you need to do to feel better’. I got all the support from them. At the same time, I still felt wanted and they wanted me to come back. Maybe in a different organization, you might feel something different. You see it around the league where guys kind of get pushed out. I didn’t have that feeling at all. They still believe in me which is amazing after two years.”

The trip to Florida helped clear his mind. His wife Jessica fully supports his return “because she knows how much I want to play” and a visit to his Rochester home last week re-affirmed MacArthur’s desire to come back.

“I went over to a friend’s outdoor rink and I was out there for three hours. You get done and whole day went by and I’m asking myself, ‘How can I be out here for three hours?’ Obviously I still want to play. I’m still like a kid out there playing. That’s a little of sign that maybe I should keep going and see how things play out,” MacArthur said.

At this point, the best approach is to just see what happens.

“I have the love of the game and want to keep playing,” MacArthur said. “The scary part is, ‘Did you do everything you could to try and get back?’ If you did and you still can’t get back then I can live with that or I’ll have a chance to live with that. But if I leave a stone unturned or don’t check every avenue or do everything I can then it’ll be hard to live with for me. I know that. That’s why I’m back here and that’s why I’m doing this. I know I have a hole me in that I just need to fill.”

So, does he think he’ll play again?

“Deep down I think I will. Deep down I think I’m going to pull the jersey on again,” said MacArthur, who is the father of daughter Emery, 4, and son Gus, 2. “Besides having our kids, that’s going to be one of the best days of my life if I can just put that jersey on again and be with the guys on the ice for real in the game.

“That’s going to be someday when that comes.”

MacArthur and the Senators hope he gets that chance.

PASSION STILL BURNS FOR MACARTHUR

Clarke MacArthur knows people are wondering why he doesn’t just retire because of the risks involved with return from a concussion.

He can’t do it right now mainly because he feels good.

“I fully understand the 50% of people — or more — who have reached out and told me, ‘Maybe you should stop playing’. I still have a passion for the game and if I felt at all that I was a little slower, the thought process wasn’t there, my moods were different or anything ... If I felt anything, I would consider that, but I just don’t,” MacArthur told Postmedia on Sunday.

“I feel as though I could play. I felt how I did two years ago before this (happened). Everything keeps coming back around and I just feel like I want to try to continue to do it. I’m going to work out the rest of the year and see how things are the rest of the season.”

MacArthur said he does need to know before he leaves for the summer if it’s worth it to come to camp so he hopes to take the baseline test again.

“If there’s no opportunity to play again ... it’s really hard to train the way we do for four or five months to have no opportunity,” MacArthur said. “I don’t think I can put myself through that again. I’ve done that for the last couple of years and there will be a day where I’ve got to write the exam again.

“That will be the make or break when I decide to do it again. If you don’t get past the test the next time it’d be really hard to convince any doctor or yourself that you can do it.”

If he does come back, it’s hard for anybody to know what kind of impact MacArthur can make. Can he still contribute?

“That’s the question of the day for everyone,” he said. “I feel I can get back to the level I was at and I have to believe that if I want to have a chance at it. Who knows? Those questions were looming over me all summer. I did all the work I could do and I felt really good at camp and I was only there for a short while but during the drills I felt, ‘I’ve still got it.’

“I didn’t have any thoughts like, ‘I can’t play anymore.’ I was feeling really good. That’s the basically the only thing that keeps me confident is that I’m still doing the work and I don’t know how long it’s going to take or what but I feel like I can get back to where I was.”

MacArthur is good at keeping all this in perspective.

“As far as the hockey world, I’d say it’s as close to hell as you’re going to get,” MacArthur said. “In real life, we have friends with kids that are sick and people getting laid off from jobs, those people go through hell, so it’s hard to put it on that level.

“In hockey terms, it’s been tough. In real life, I’ve got two good kids and a great wife. Life’s been pretty good minus being able to play.”

bgarrioch@postmedia.com

twitter.com/sungarrioch