December means a lot of things, but for The A.V. Club it means an onslaught of year-end features that require weeks of preparation and inevitably enrage people who think something deserved to be ranked higher or lower or not even in consideration. But there’s one year-end feature that unites people with disparate sensibilities: our annual look at the band names we encountered for the first time this year (or couldn’t remember seeing before). It’s one of our readers’ most anticipated yearly features, but last December came and went without it. What happened? I was unavailable to write it, despite the massive list of contenders I accumulated over 2014. But things have changed, and it’d be a shame not to give a band like Bummers Eve its due. So here we are, four months late, but bursting with notable names. See you in eight months.




Sexy times

Shitfucker



Band description, per Bandcamp: “MANIAC BLACK METAL-PUNK FROM THE MOTOR CITY. UNCOMPROMISED EVIL AND SPELL FOR THE MOST DIS-SEMEN-ATING DIEHARD DEMONS!”

Bandcamp helpfully sells its 2013 album, Sucks Cocks In Hell


Orjazm



The group has since wussed out and changed its name to The Oddio Trio, which admittedly suits its instrumental organ-jazz better.




Flying Donkey Punch



Urban Dictionary claims a “ flying donkey


Heavy Petty

At least two different Tom Petty tribute bands lay claim to this name, one from Lawrence, Kansas Gainesville, Florida


Buttfucking Corpse

As of this writing, the group’s Facebook page has a sad nine likes. C’mon corpse-fuckers, show some enthusiasm!


Penises

My Penis Is Made Of Dogshit


Dick Diver

Flaccid Pickle



Bio: “We are Flaccid Pickle, a life of crunchiness we will never know. Glory, Wisdom, Strength, Courage, and Honor!”


Genitals

Hymen Holocaust



Songs: “Squirt Till It Hurts,” “My Load, Your Throat,” “Giant Tits/Swollen Clits,” “Innocent Till Proven Filthy,” “Discontinuation Of Hyperlactation.” Look for the new album Kissed By The Dead…Touched By The Deformed in May!




Amputated Genitals


Cunt Grinder

Songs: “Bowl Full Of Menstrual Blood,” “Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!,” “Fuck That Bitch,” “Raping Is Justice-Raping Is Law.” These Germans probably have thoughts on the ethics of video-game journalism.


Gonorrhea Pussy



Check out the group’s split with Necro Tampon


Fluids, bodily

BreastMilk

Piss Vortex

Necro Tampon

Fluids, bodily - puke

Xtra Vomit

Songs: “My Unique Motherfucking Fist,” “No Answers To Alcohol.”

Vomitface

Vomit Fist

“Vomit Fist is blackened grindcore for your guts and face,” per Google.



Songs


Vomitoma

Pro tip: Don’t Google Image Search this one; just look for the group’s 2008 split with Sanguinary Nervous Spasm on S eptic Aroma Of Reeking Stench


Misc. anatomy

Well Hung Heart

Opening lines of “Bullshit”: “I’m calling out your bullshit / I’m calling out your bullshit, bitch.”

Rectal Hygienics


Chainsaw To The Face

Menstrual Psycho



“We only play when our flows are synced so you can sink into our flows with ease,” says its bio. Sadly, the band has since broken up.




The Thrill Sergeants

Simply terrible

Savage Messiah




The Blessing Of This Curse

Love Crushed Velvet

“Channeling emotional turmoil through muscular, post punk aggression, the band shows off exceptional emotional and stylistic range in an album that has been compared to the rock and roll equivalent of a James Bond film: worldly, muscular, fully cognizant of the danger that lies underneath its smooth veneer and unafraid to show what’s behind the veil—on its own terms.”


F.R.E.E.

It stands for “Forever Radical Edifying and Exalting,” but it makes sense for a Christian act looking to “reach the hearts of youth and young adults who do not have a relationship with Christ and to elevate those who desire a closer walk with Him and for all to dwell in a life that’s 4Ever Free!”


Karma Darwin


Eyes Like Cyanide

“Eyes Like Cyanide stands at the crossroads of all things brutal,” begins the group’s bio. The Facebook page lists elcmusic.com


I Mustache You A Question

References to movies, TV shows, and books

They All Float

Ponyboy

A pair of artists claim Ponyboy Hong Kong-based emo band


Milo & Otis

“Two dudes, one is a professional fake book writer and the other is a leprechaun farmer who’s a gambler.” Not to be confused with the Chicago soul duo


Get Busy Living

Ice Nine Kills

Here’s a scene from American Psycho, overdubbed to look like Patrick Bateman is talking about Ice Nine Kills. Hilarious, guys!

Pat The Bunny

“Acoustic punk songs from the desert of Tucson, AZ about addiction, getting sober, and anarchism.”


Raiders Of The Lost Art


Marvin Berry & The New Sound

Et Tu Brucé

McLovins

I Got Worms

“New York’s preeminent Dumb And Dumber Original Motion Picture Soundtrack cover band,” per Brokelyn


AC Slater

DJ who specializes in something called “Night Bass,” which blends “elements of house music with the dirty basslines of UK garage and sprinkles of old-school rave synths and breaks.” If that doesn’t make any sense, try Soundcloud


Small Wonder


Nightbitch

References to other bands

Texas Never Whispers

Bio: “Austin’s Texas Never Whispers is a southern, independent rock band made up of romantics. They just can’t help it.”


Jawbreaker Reunion

This is like calling your band Free Beer and deceiving sensitive ’90s punks instead of frat boys. (Check out the group’s interview


Celebrities

Black Cobain

Lindsay Lowend

Jeremy Irons & The Ratgang Malibus

Bio: “It’s like finding an interstellar sound portal to a hidden space desert, that only can be seen and heard through a kaleidoscope, which is blessed by a spiritual shaman from Saturn.”


Doubting Thomas Cruise Control

Doprah

“Genre: A sinister and evil cult which lures young people into drug-taking.”

DONVLDKRUNK

This logo makes it seem like Donald Duck (or Scrooge McDuck) reference, but doesn’t it sound more like Donald Trump? Or does it just work on that many levels?


Tiny Danza

Bio: “Much like the product of a dove making love to a supernova, Tiny Danza has both rhythmic purity and tonal tenacity. On the evening of July 1st 2006 there was a horrible accident involving Tony Danza, a tiny dancer and a rogue particle accelerator. The result was five musicians with three things on their minds: Fast cars, Faster women and Revenge.”


Brat Pit

Jamz Franco

Olivia Neutron-John

xTom Hanx


Elvis Depressedly

Teds Dancin

Brands

General Motors

Bummers Eve

When in doubt, add exclamation points!!!!!



Bearcubbin’!

Louisahhh!!!

Galapagos Now!

Diagnosis? Bastard!

Bio: “Fast, spastic, screaming hardcore shite made by two Brits, one Swede and one Brazilian.”


Couch Slut

The Slut Junkies

Sluts 4 Fun

SlutHammer

Here’s a video for the self-explanatory “RoadHead”:

What hath you wrought, Nathan

Manic Pixi

Historical figures

Antarctigo Vespucci

Eli Whitney And The Sound Machine


These names are very serious

To Set Ablaze

Dismembered Carnage

There’s a highly entertaining nine-minute interview from last fall with guitarist Joey Marks and the group’s (now former) drummer Kyle Wallinger that’s a descendent of Heavy Metal Parking Lot. Marks offers this preview of the album they’re recording: “It’s a lot more evil, it’s a lot more death-metal-oriented, it’s a lot of fucking evil, satanic, fucking mind-fuckin’ rape stuff, man. It’s killer, dude. You’ll fuckin’ like it if you’re into old-school shit, unless you’re a fuckin’ poser, then you’re not gonna like it.” Deadpans Wallinger, “I don’t like it.”

What’s on the new album? Marks is glad you asked: “We’re rerecording a lot of old songs that we like and a lot of fans like, ‘Walking Autopsy,’ ‘Curbstomped,’ ‘Horrid Sounds Of Pig Impalment,’ and everybody’s favorite, fuckin’ ‘Rape The Priest.’ And yeah, we got a lot of new shit, man. ‘Sacrilegious Mindfuck,’ ‘Consume The Flesh Of Christ,’ ‘Aborted In Blasphemy,’ one of my favorites, ‘Morbid Molestation,’ and, uh fuck, dude, some evil shit, some ‘Denial Of Christ’ and ‘Split Open The Pope.’”

Of Ardent Resolve

Agents Of Abhorrence

Martyr Defiled

Symphony Of Malice

JPNSGRLS

Carcrashlander

Badbadnotgood

TWRK

RBTS WIN



Gay stuff

Gay Kiss

Gäy

Nudity

Naked Hugs

Bio: “Once upon a time a naked person hugged another naked person, and it was mutual, and it felt really really nice.”


Topless America

Secret Nudist Friends

Hawt Me$$

Loooooonnnnnngggggg

Begravningsentreprenörerna



Swedish for “funeral directors.”

Teen Girl Scientist Monthly

The Sounds That Machines Make

The Adventures Of The Silver Spaceman

A Place Both Wonderful And Strange


Also seems to go by the name A Place Both Beautiful And Strange, which is a Twin Peaks reference.

Free Cake For Every Creature

Even The Dead Love A Parade

From the bio: “As artists, music is a strong form of expression, which is why we jump at the chance to create in as many fascists [sic] as possible that help us express.”


King Calo Destroyer Of Ships

The group called it quits last month. RIP.

The Committee To Re-Elect John C. Calhoun

Spirits And The Melchizedek Children

Genre, per Facebook: “SHOEGAZE DUALITY!!! Soft and sweet, Heavy and Brutal…EXPAND YOUR BODY AND MIND THOUGH MEANS of SELF DISCOVERY”


Music is counter-revolutionary, comrade

The Collected Works Of Lenin

Stalins Of Sound

Last year’s Tank Tracks was released on a special day: “MAY 18 RELEASE DATE TO COINCIDE WITH THE ANNIVERSARY OF SHAWN NELSON’S TANK THEFT, RAMPAGING THROUGH THE STREETS OF SAN DIEGO ON MAY 18, 1995!”


Religious

Holy Esque

Pet The Preacher

The Virginmarys

Bio: “In a world crying out for a band with substance, The Virginmarys could well prove to be the answer to all our prayers.” Kinda on the nose, no?


Dead In The Manger

Bio: “Dead In The Manger play music with the intention of leaving a feeling of unease and despondency.”


Amen Dunes

Lord Dying

“Blood trickles under / The softest embrace / You understand me like no one I know.” What’s the title of this sweet love song? “ Suckling At The Teat Of A She-Beast


Mormon Toasterhead

Wrathprayer

Album: The Sun Of Moloch: The Sublimation Of Sulphur’s Essence Which Spawned Death And Life


Diabolical Messiah


Pontius Pilate Sales Pitch

Diet Jesus

Lucifers Limited Company LLC

Satan’s Revenge On Mankind

Appearing on 2009’s Supreme Malicious Necro Terror: “Where Blood And Vomit Flow In Streams,” “Submit To Satan,” and, uh, “Support Your Local Butcher.” (Maybe the group’s members are locavores?) Check out its three-way split album (sorry, “3-Way Penetration”) with Cuntgrinder and Hymen Holocaust. You know, that’s the one that has “Suck Satan’s Goat Cock” on it.


_________ and __________

Young And In The Way

From 2011’s Popeye-defying I Am Not What I Am


Weird And Pissed Off

The Harpoonist & The Axe Murderer

King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard

Cornelius Asperger And The Bi-Curious Unicorns

Opening line of “ If Only

First person

I Am Heresy

The band’s motto: “The death of god is the birth of human potential.” It has since gone on an indefinite hiatus, so maybe the death of I Am Heresy is the birth of its members’ potential.


I Woke Up Early For My Funeral

What does that name mean? IWUEFMF’s Facebook page


We Have The Place Surrounded

It looks like this Chilean band—or per its bio, “una banda de rock independiente de Viña del Mar”—has since shortened its name to the much more generic The Place. What was Tenemos El Lugar Rodeado is now El Lugar. Qué vergüenza.


We Met Tomorrow

Winner, Least Proportional Bio-Length-To-Musical-Output Ratio: This Swedish band has two EPs—for a total of eight songs—to its name, but has a preposterously long and hyperbolic biography. “We Met Tomorrow is the most unique, familiar, different and universally appealing band you have never heard of – yet – but that will be different, tomorrow!” Most unique yet familiar! Different yet universally appealing!

More: “In the beginning there was no rhythm section which after a while made the trio feel that they lacked a little bit of punch.” Maybe that sounds less obvious in their native tongue?


Let’s Be Slayers

Yes, every band should strive to be Slayer. Oh wait, did you say slayers? Never mind.


We Used To Be Neighbors

Winner, Band Name That Also Serves As Bio, though the group has since called it quits.


Directives

Save Your Breath

Yell For Help


Hang The Bastard

This British group was “a band on the rocks” after the departure of its longtime vocalist and unsuccessful attempts to find a replacement. But once that got settled, its members developed “a strong creative dynamic, which has allowed us to write the album we have always wanted to write. Out of such adversity a phoenix as risen in the form of this full length.” Its title? Sex In The Seventh Circle.


Count This Penny

Hey Girl Slow Down


Catapult The Propaganda

It’s a W reference. Who knew?

Collapse Under The Empire



This is what they call “not search-engine optimized”

No

X_____X

Department of Portmanteaus

Bipolaroid

Brentalfloss

This guy adds lyrics to songs from classic video games, like “ Super Mario Land 2 With Lyrics


Giraffage

The Telecommunists

“We are a progressive metal band. We think outside the box and do not adhere to the conventions of popular music.”


Animals



Pig Heart Transplant

Winner, Least Ominous Metal Song Title: “ I Video Tape Your Diet

Message To Bears

A Pony Named Olga

What are this German band’s live performances like? “It’s a show you will want to crucify yourself if you miss,” says its bio


Quaker City Night Hawks

Lazer/Wulf

Band description: “To put it another way; imagine a giant trampoline rigged to explode. It’s fun for everybody, but likely to kill you at any moment.”


French For Rabbits

Flamingo Nosebleed

“We hate hippies, emo/hardcore kids, and Oprah Winfrey. We like fast 3 chord punk rock.”


Wombat In Combat

“New York City’s finest Bike Core band”

Unicorn Harvest

“We started after watching This Is Spinal Tap and this part of our bio is not a joke.”


Japanda

The first Google result for this band is for something called furaffinity.net Twitter bio

Two artists claim the name: One is a band


Squirrels From Hell



“Look, if you’re not calling with work, don’t call. We’ve got a lot on our minds, with negotiating international distribution deals, merchandise licensing, and trying to stay up-to-date on industry gossip. Plus we usually have headaches from all the effort we put into writing and rehearsing. Not to mention privacy concerns. Office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3PM to 6PM, unless we have another court date or counseling session. Best bet: leave a message. And try to make it more creative than just ‘you suck.’”


Tyrannosaurus Zebra

“The only dino-zebra band that matters…” Album: The Shape Of Lunch To Come

Agenda Of Swine



From 2008’s Waves Of Human Suffering


Massacres, slaughters, and more



Logistic Slaughter

How many of these band logos can you make out? Logistic Slaughter’s in there somewhere—oh, found it! Top row, second from the right.


Dandelion Massacre




Death Toll 80k



Check out Bringer Of Gore

Always with the funk

Bubonik Funk

Pastor Funkpleez

He’s mortal enemies with Reverend Skathanks.

Dysfunkshunal Familee

Xs or Zs

Classixx

The Doppelgangaz

Guitars N Bandanaz

Weather phenomena

Years Since The Storm

Hungry Cloud Darkening

Boom Said Thunder

Every Flavor Weather Machine

Cloud Becomes Your Hand


Cities



Vancouver Sleep Clinic

People’s Blues Of Richmond

The Brooklyn What

Planets & stuff



A Million Billion Dying Suns

“As the million billion suns die, they coalesce into one singular form of energy, before they explode into super nova. It is the vanishing point, where you and me don’t matter, but we do. And so do you. Yes You. We are all Dying Suns, sewn into the same fabric. Endlessly dying, constantly living, in the pattern of the infinite universe.”


PlanetRAWK

Lilies On Mars

Is it ugly?



So Hideous

Family members

Indestructible Grampas


Adult Mom

Stay At Home Dads

Sports

Wheelchair Sports Camp

It’s not just a catchy name: Frontwoman Kalyn Heffernan suffers from osteogenesis imperfecta

The Miami Dolphins

From Minneapolis.

(New England) Patriots




Pants Velour

Breakfast In Fur

High Waisted

Thug Entrancer

Sound Of A Smirk

Schwarz Dont Crack

Why Not Satellite

Hot Since 82

Minibus Pimps

Mime Game


Bio: “From the depths of the heart to the tunes in your stereo, we just want to get wild.”

Low Fat Getting High

Klogr

Per the band’s bio, it’s pronounced “Kay-log-are,” a reference to “the law of Weber-Fechner


Not Blood Paint

Fire Retarded

Sadly the song “Overrated Kayak” isn’t available on its Bandcamp page

Kissing Is A Crime

Energy Slime

Harpoon Forever

SuperHunk

Maybe The Welders

Surf Rock Is Dead

Fake Cops (Real Trouble)


Inspired by Let’s Be Cops?


Rude Cab Driver

Theatre Of The Ugly

Bio: “A desperate howling of maudlin balladry heard behind carnival tents—as if Thom Yorke and Tom Waits got drunk together and shared their nightmares.”


Angelface/Headcase

4 Aspirin Morning

Turbo Goth

It’s a Paul F. Tompkins bit come to life!

Tall White Asian Girl



The Wet Secrets

This name somehow feels grosser than Cuntgrinder.

Trance Farmers

Dirt Wizard

Also a type of tire

Psych Psweat



Nerds In Denial



Drunken Foreigner Band



Great Good Fine Ok



Death Has No Dominion

Dialogue From A Silent Film

Crystal Methodist

Gorgonized Dorks

Find this band’s stuff on Splatterfuck Tapes, Shit Stain Records, Sonic Arse Tapes, Smell The Stench, Bringer Of Gore, TRASHFUCK Records, and, um, Rainbow Bridge.


1-800-BAND