During a quiet moment on a nondescript offseason night, NBA finals MVP Kevin Durant and advertising-copywriter-turned-moderately-successful-rapper Lil’ Dicky engaged in a casual conversation about the Cavaliers possibly trading LeBron James. It was civil, sincere, and engaging; a total rarity for Twitter.

The conversation was topical in that LeBron is a free-agent-to-be who’s reportedly frustrated with the Cavaliers’ dysfunction. It was also a complete fantasy because LeBron James cannot be traded — legally because he has a no-trade clause and functionally because no team would ever trade LeBron freakin’ James.

Still, it got us thinking: What if the Cavaliers actually could trade LeBron and decided they needed to do so? What could possibly be fair value for the greatest basketball player of this generation?

Behold, our ideas:

WE’RE ACTUALLY KINDA SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE

The trade

WHY THE CAVS DO IT

There’s a perfect storm of circumstances brewing between Boston’s current place in the NBA hierarchy, its absurd treasure trove of assets, the Cavaliers’ dysfunction, and the threat of James bolting for nothing next summer. In any other year, Dan Gilbert would automatically lean on LeBron and friends for a final title run, but the superteam in the Bay Area changes that dynamic.

If the Cavs are resigned to losing LeBron next summer anyway, netting a haul like this sets them up well for an entire generation moving forward. A potential lineup of Kyrie Irving (should he want to stay with Bron gone), J.R. Smith, Jae Crowder, Kevin Love, and Al Horford with Derrick Rose, Kyle Korver, Tristan Thompson, and one of Brown OR Tatum coming off the bench also ensures the Cavaliers’ short-term prospects won’t be nearly as dark as the last time the King walked.

WHY THE CELTICS DO IT

The same concern that LeBron would leave next summer exists for Boston, but the Celtics have a deeper roster now than Cleveland does and would be a much bigger title threat. LeBron surrounded by Isaiah Thomas, Gordon Hayward, and Brad Stevens would be a lot more likely to knock off the Warriors than LeBron surrounded by a disgruntled Kyrie (or whatever pennies-on-the-dollar return they’d get for him), Kevin Love, and Ty Lue. Getting that ring would be worth it even if LeBron leaves.

There’s also a non-zero chance that LeBron would embrace his situation and sign another contract in Boston. But even if he doesn’t, the Celtics are still set up nicely into the future with two blue-chip players (assuming Thomas re-ups), plenty of promising young players and picks, and one of the best coaches in the league.

-Alex Rubenstein

BIG BALLER SCENARIO

The trade

LeBron James to the Lakers

The entire Ball family to Cleveland

WHY THE LAKERS DO IT: It’s LeBron-freaking James. You get to put the biggest star in your city since Kobe, and you get to remove a potential headache in LaVar. It’s perfect. Now we don’t just get LeBron gets to go to the most marketable city of his career, giving him the opportunity to start not just “Is LeBron better than MJ?” talk, but also “Is he the best Laker ever?” chatter.

WHY THE CAVS DO IT: Young talent and a new beginning. You trade off LeBron here, Kyrie in a separate deal and suddenly you’ve gone from having a point guard who thinks the world is flat to a family who thinks it revolves around them.

Meanwhile, the Ball family will never reach the heady heights of popularity it craves in Los Angeles. Too many fish, even for a big pond. They can walk in and totally own Cleveland. Big Baller sausages, the Browns will be renamed the “Cleveland Balls,” and in time the city will become “Balleveland.” The sky is the limit for their marketing genius. Also, you know LaVar would write passionate letters in Comic Sans as well.

-James Dator

BANANA BOAT REUNION

The trade

Just look at the image.

WHY THE BANANA BOAT DOES THIS

The banana boat has been patiently waiting since 2015 for its crew to finally reunite. Honestly, the boat has been waiting since the 2003 NBA draft for LeBron James, Chris Paul, and Dwyane Wade to play together. But it wasn’t public knowledge until the banana boat photo leaked a couple of summers ago.

This isn’t just about basketball. This is bigger than the game. This is about brotherhood. This is about family. This is about a bunch of old-ish NBA players finally teaming up because it just feels right.

WHY THE OTHER TEAMS DO THIS

Because the NBA has completely lost its mind trying to beat the Warriors.

-Whitney Medworth

TO THE U.S. SENATE

The trade

LeBron to Washington, D.C.

A congressional seat for LeBron in the state of Ohio, Gogo music, fried chicken with mumbo sauce, and Otto Porter to Cleveland.

Why the D.C does it

Look, I know what you’re thinking: That’s way too much. Nothing in this world is worth the wholesome taste of good chicken drenched in pristine mumbo sauce. Don’t even get me started on the Gogo. Seriously, don’t get me started, because I won’t stop.

But it’s also LeBron James. He’s the greatest player of this generation, and D.C. hasn’t seen a title in any sport in 25 years. It’s time for the capital city to be a contender again, even if that means giving up things we hold near and dear to our hearts.

Why the Cavs do it

This would be the greatest transaction in NBA history. It would finally catapult Cleveland somewhere on the list of places people actually want to visit. “We have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” locals will tell you, but rock hasn’t really been in for almost two decades. What about the lakes? Ain’t nobody worried about no lake, Cleveland.

But good fried chicken? People travel for that. And what goes best with some good chicken? Some mumbo sauce and a bit of percussion on a beat.

Plus, LeBron still gets to make political decisions for the state. It’s a win-win.

-Michael Sykes

BRING THE CITY OF NEW YORK TO CLEVELAND

The trade:

LeBron James to New York

Actual Nightlife, 47 Bodegas, the J train, 4,721 pizzas, 10,000 pounds of Oxtail, 1,950 cheesecakes, and 1,458 slices of chopped cheese to Cleveland.

Why New York does it

It’s LeBron James, the greatest basketball star this generation going to the biggest market on the planet. There’s no explanation necessary for this one. With LeBron and the players who will flock to join him in New York, the Knicks can see their first championship since 1973 and bring true joy to a fan base that’s been neglected for decades.

Why Cleveland does it

Let’s face it. Some of the best food you’ll find in this country is in New York. It’s called the melting pot for a reason: You get food from everywhere on Earth here. How many Clevelanders have salivated over a plate of braised oxtails that’s been slow-cooked for 12 hours, served with rice and peas, mac and cheese, cabbage, plantains, and sorrel?

They probably don’t understand the gratification that comes with lifting your aluminum tray — one side much heavier than the other — knowing full well your server has blessed you with a copious helping of this sacred dish. With this trade, at the low cost of a 32-year-old LeBron James, Dan Gilbert can bring real happiness to a community that’s been deprived of good food for centuries.

What’s a championship when you can bring cheesecake to The Land?

-Kristian Winfield

THE GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY

The trade

LeBron James to the Empire

Darth Vader, the Death Star plans, 12 stormtroopers, and two Super Star Destroyers to the Cavs

Why the Empire does it

The Emperor is always secretly on the lookout to replace Vader with an apprentice that can be more powerful. This is a person who goaded Anakin to behead Count Dooku just for the chance that Anakin would take his place. So sacrificing Vader and a series of other goodies for the opportunity to corrupt LeBron is very much in Sidious’ character.

Why the Cavs do it

Vader isn’t Bron, but he’s a star in his own right and a marketing machine that’ll keep fans engaged during a rebuild. The Death Star itself is obviously off limits, but the plans could be useful to ransom if LeBron wants to return one day. (Think of them like the Heat sending over two draft picks in a LeBron sign-and-trade, which helped the Cavs rebuild to recruit James back later on.) The Super Star Destroyers can be quality rotation players for a couple of years, and while the stormtroopers are disposable, it’s possible one develops into something useful.

-Mike Prada

AND THEN ... HOODIE MELO

2:34 p.m., Tuesday, Aug. 22

(We’re in an office somewhere in New York City. A whiteboard with names of NBA players stretches across one wall. The faint scent of peyote still lingers, but it’s weeks old. Knicks general manager Scott Perry dials Cavaliers general manager Koby Altman.)

PERRY: Koby! I heard you might be trading LeBron.

ALTMAN: Actually, yeah. NBA Reddit is convinced that James is leaving next year, and so if they think so, it must be happening. We might as well get something in return.

PERRY: Oh that sucks. Well, I’ve got an offer for you.

ALTMAN: Like ... for LeBron? You’re going to offer someone on your roster for ... LeBron?

PERRY: Yeah. How about Melo for LeBron straight up?

ALTMAN, in his Cleveland office: —an you hear me? Can yo— Scott, I think I’m losi- ... I’m going through a tunnel, it must b— ... —ell phone cutting out.

[the phone call cuts out]

11:32 p.m., Sunday, Sept. 3

(We’re in that same New York City office. Empty Monster energy drinks litter the floors now. The peyote smell is back, and it’s fresh. Weird, right? Maybe someone left a stash of it in here. Scott Perry, red-eyed and in a crumpled dress shirt, wearily types a number into his phone.)

PERRY: Hey, Koby? I’ve been trying to reach you for a couple of weeks. Our conversation got disconnected last time?

ALTMAN, to himself: Why did you answer this phone call?

ALTMAN, to Perry: Oh yeah man! I, uh, don’t think that we’re interested in that tra—

PERRY: Carmelo is going to play every game in a hoodie.

ALTMAN, voice rising: —de beCAUSE WE’LL DO IT.

PERRY: Well, I was also going to call the Kin—

ALTMAN: OK WE’LL INCLUDE KEVIN. AND KYRIE, TOO.

PERRY: Oh, wow. Well, I guess ...

ALTMAN: I’M CONNECTING ADAM SILVER RIGHT NOW.

SILVER, with what sounds like Migos in the background: um, hey, guys what’s up?

ALTMAN: Hi Adam. We’re making a trade. Please approve it.

Takeoff, faintly over Silver’s phone line: —nd did it look like black olives was left off of our pizza orde—

SILVER: Oh shoot, sorry fellas, I’m hosting a few friends for some wine and cheese tonight. Let me go into the other room. OK, OK, I’m good now. What’s the trade?

ALTMAN: It’s Kyrie, Kevin, and LeBron fo—

SILVER: um

ALTMAN: —r Melo who’s gonna wear a hoodie all season.

SILVER: OH

ALTMAN, dropping a photo into the NBA general manager Slack channel: Here it is:

SILVER: I’m not sure the money or like literally any other rule you have to follow when you make trades matches up but ...

[small pause]

SILVER: Approved. Congrats, fellas.

[Perry hangs up. Silver is still stunned. Altman grins in satisfaction.]

ALTMAN: I told you I’d get these guys traded before the season starts.

SILVER: Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you fleeced the Knicks like that.

-Tim Cato

Now it’s your turn. Let us know your most ridiculous fake LeBron James trades in the comments section.