This one makes me want to punch people in their stupid, stupid faces. I should probably make a resolution to not be that way, but I'd break that fucker the second I heard someone say, "My resolution is for my girlfriend and I to get more exercise!" or, even worse, the implied resolution behind, "This year, I'm going to travel more with my family!"

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Hey, did you ask your family? Nope, those poor fuckers are coming along with your journey to self improvement, whether they like it or not.

Now, obviously it's one thing if this has been discussed amongst all parties involved and agreed upon unanimously. You and your girlfriend can enjoy your tandem bike rides, you can pack up your family car and drive off into the sunset, blasting your favorite Cannibal Corpse CD or whatever it is that families listen to. But in my experience, this is often decided on the fly by a single person, whose life improvement plan involves using other people as props ("We're going to do more fun things as a family!" or "We're all going to start eating healthier!" or "We're all going to watch less TV!"). And everyone else just has to sort of go along with it, even if they hate every second of it. Which they will.

Photos.com

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

"Yeah, I'm feeling better already. Thanks, cun- mom. I meant mom."

Let's take the "no junk food" thing from earlier. Yes, that's a noble goal for you, the overweight adult. And yes, childhood diabetes is a terrible thing and your kids shouldn't need a Rascal scooter to get from their bedroom to the fridge ... but you have to also keep in mind that they are still kids, and one of the most primal joys in a child's life is eating sweet things. If you make the decision to subject everyone in your house to your bullshit whim of a resolution, you're taking away part of what makes their childhood so goddamn fun. You had your fun at that age, but now you're punishing your healthy 10-year-old for your high cholesterol.