Ughhh, Vampire Bill. He was hot at some point far in the past, when the sound of him saying Sookie in that totally inaccurate Southern accent was enough to drive every HBO-subscribing female wild. But now he's a vampire god or something, and he has this horrible, no good, very bad center part that makes his hair look like a butt.

strong>17. Count Orlok from Nosferatu.

Count Orlok is not remotely attractive, and is only here to fully illustrate the unattractiveness of Bill Compton.

If you squint, you can see Johnny Depp in there somewhere, just waiting for you to wash that pancake makeup off his face and dress him up in his Jack Sparrow costume.

. His hotness is diminished by the fact that he is only half-vampire and shaves stupid shapes into his hair, which is fine for college basketball players but unacceptable for vampires. Vampires are already naturally good-looking — why ruin that with a stupid geometric pattern cut into the side of your head?

Points deducted here because Jonathan Rhys Meyers has to speak in an American accent on this show, which greatly reduces his sex appeal. Points added back on for his dapper period costumes.

Frilly shirt + flowing golden curls + an era when the world was still ignorant of Scientology = peak Tom Cruise.

But only when he's talking about his shady past during the Civil War as a cutthroat wrangler of young vampires.

Okay, not actually a vampire and not fictional, but judging by his indie-rock pallor, he sees the same amount of sunlight as the undead.

He is the only tolerable member of the Originals, who so ruined TVD for me that I gave it up for Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. Elijah, though, could still get it.

No one in the office could determine exactly why Spike is hot, but my eyes tell me that he just is. He's the Candy Crush of vampires — inexplicably addictive yet ultimately unsatisfying.

Yes, he sparkles. Yes, he has to draw on his abs. But that hair! So big, so windswept, so gravity-defying. And those eyebrows. Wars have been started for less.

It's a controversial choice, ranking Stefan below Damon. He's a great boyfriend, he's really in touch with his feelings, and he wants to get to know your friends. But in the vampire world, all of these things just make him a milquetoast. You don't date a vampire so he can tell you how hard his day was. You date a vampire because he bites you during sex.

Brad Pitt as Louis excelled at emo brooding before Stephenie Meyer even dreamed of the riches her whiny, golden-eyed vampire commune would bring.

A lady, yes, but sexier than all the dudes in Vampire Academy combined. RIP Aaliyah.

Damon is the quintessential bad boy, which makes him 100 percent hotter than his useless, goody-goody brother. He'll tell you he loves you, dump you one minute later, then use his cheekbones to cut up his dinner, just because he can.

Lord Ruthven was based on Lord Byron, aka the Romantic poet who was mad, bad, and dangerous to know (see also: Dylan McKay ), so it's safe to assume Ruthven was the Edward Cullen of the 19th century. Four out of five literature professors agree.

For women of a certain age (27), Angel leaving Buffy for his spinoff is the greatest tragedy they have ever experienced. He doesn't own any clothes not made of leather, his hair always has just the right amount of product in it, and he constantly struggles to keep his murderous vampire impulses in check. Basically, he is perfect.

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Photo credits: HBO/Getty Images/Warner Bros./NBC/Summit Entertainment/The CW/Time & Life Pictures

Eliza Thompson senior entertainment editor I’m the senior entertainment editor at Cosmopolitan.com, which means my DVR is always 98 percent full.

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