Photos via Celebrity Closeup

The cover story of this month's Esquire is an interview with Megan Fox by Stephen Marche. And though I haven't read every single thing that has ever been written, I can say, with confidence, that it is the worst thing that anybody has ever written. Ever.

It's fucking LONG, and I know you're busy, so here are the worst things about it.

THE WAY THE WRITER DESCRIBES HOW ATTRACTIVE MEGAN FOX IS

Megan Fox is good looking. There are various photos of her throughout the article that back this up. But just in case it's not clear, the author breaks down her beauty in a number of riiiiiiiidiculous ways. Including:

"[Her skin is] the color the moon possesses in the thin air of northern winters."

"Megan Fox is a bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be an antiquity, an old-world relic, like movie palaces or fountain pens or the muscle cars of the 1970s or the pinball machines in the basement. Bombshells once used to roam the cultural landscape like buffalo, and like buffalo they were edging toward extinction."

"The symmetry of her face**,** up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It's not really even that beautiful. It's closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her."

The symmetry of her face is "genuinely shocking"? I'm imagining the author arriving for the interview, seeing her face for the first time and leaping back, letting out an audible gasp, "God, Megan, I am SO sorry! It's just your face... It's so..."

"Symmetrical?" Megan will have asked, forlorn, "I get that a lot... *_sigh_*."

THE WEIRD AZTEC METAPHOR THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

"Deep in her house, Megan Fox and I are discussing human sacrifice. I tell her about an Aztec ritual practiced five hundred years ago in ancient Mexico during the feast of Toxcatl, when the Aztecs picked a perfect youth to live among them as a god. He was a paragon, beautiful and fit and healthy, with ideal proportions...

"The sacrifice's year was filled with constant delight, I tell her. He danced through the streets adorned in luxurious clothes given to him by the master, decked in flowers and incense, playing magical flutes that brought prosperity to the whole world. He had eight servants and four virgins to attend to his every need and could wander wherever he pleased. But at the end of the year, when the feast of Toxcatl came around again, the perfect youth had to smash his flutes and climb the stairs of the great temple, where the priests would cut out his heart and offer it, still beating, to the sun.

"Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec. She's a screen saver on a teenage boy's laptop, a middle-aged lawyer's shower fantasy, a sexual prop used to sell movies and jeans.

'It's so similar. It totally is,' she says quietly.

At the end of the year, the beautiful youth had to go up by himself. He had to go up willingly. That was part of the deal.

Now she is shaking her head. "Not everyone understands that that's the deal," she says.

Megan Fox will not go willingly to have her heart cut out."

I understand that what occured the day of the interview probably wasn't all that interesting. I'd imagine he sat opposite her while she talked about whatever movie she was contractually obliged to talk about. And then he had to find a way of making that seem interesting for five whole pages. But SURELY, any rational person, upon typing the sentence "Megan Fox is not an ancient Aztec" would think 'Wait, maybe this is a bit much? Perhaps I should take a break and have another try at this in the morning.'

And let's just forget, for a second, that what he wrote doesn't actually make any sense at all, and concentrate instead on Megan's reaction to it. She fucking AGREED with him! Horrifying.

MEGAN FOX BELIEVES THAT BEING FAMOUS IS WORSE THAN BEING BULLIED

"'I don't think people understand," she says. 'They all think we should shut the fuck up and stop complaining because you live in a big house or you drive a Bentley. So your life must be so great. What people don't realize is that fame, whatever your worst experience in high school, when you were being bullied by those ten kids in high school, fame is that, but on a global scale, where you're being bullied by millions of people constantly.'"

When I was at school, there was a kid who everyone picked on because they thought he was gay. One day, a bunch of older kids dragged him into the PE showers and forcibly inserted a broom handle into his ass. Pretty sure he'd trade lives with you, Meg.

SHE ALSO BELIEVES IN EVERY OTHER THING EVER

"Have you ever watched footage of a Santeria gathering or someone doing voodoo? You know how palpable the energy is? Whatever's going on there, it's for real."

"I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I've seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during praise and worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues."

"She would much rather be an archeologist exploring the ancient ruins of Israel and Egypt. 'I feel like there's stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,' she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. 'I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.'"

"I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns. Not the pot of gold, not the Lucky Charms leprechauns. But maybe was there something in the traditional sense? I believe that this stuff came from somewhere other than people's imaginations...."

"'Would you not be so much more interested in finding out that Bigfoot existed than in watching a really good movie?... I believe in aliens... I am childlike in my spirit and I want to believe in fairy tales... Loch Ness monster—there's something to it.... There's the Bell Witch... What distracts me from my reality is Bigfoot. They are my celebrities.'"

THE PHOTOSHOP

How many people must have seen that cover before it went to print? And not one of them said, "Uh, guys, her left thigh is shaped like a teardrop, she has a wrist a third of the way up her arm and her vagina is, like, a foot wide."

MEGAN'S UNUSUAL APPROACH TO ESCAPING FAME

According to the article, "Megan Fox doesn't particularly want to be famous anymore." Obviously, appearing on the cover of Esquire in your underwear to promote a new movie that you're starring in isn't the best way to go about this. But what about some other methods she's tried?

"She's tried to escape from her fate as a sex symbol. She starred in Jennifer's Body, a magnificent, delicious, criminally underrated parable about a bombshell who literally devours men."

"In December, in Judd Apatow's This Is 40_, she plays a woman so gorgeous that the other characters cannot quite believe it."_

And neither of those things made it so she wasn't famous anymore? Weird!

Also, "criminally underrated"—hahahahahahahahahaha.

THE WRITER THINKS AMY ADAMS IS NOT BEAUTIFUL

"Women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field."

No longer need to be beautiful? Sorry to get all Jezebel, but can you imagine how warped your idea of women must be to think those women are what "plain" looks like? Yowzer.

THIS PARAGRAPH

This is an actual piece of text that was written about Megan Fox. As in, the star of Transformers 2 and Jonah Hex:

"There's no doubt that this transformation has been overwhelmingly excellent. But we're losing something in this process. Because creativity is, was and always will be sexual. Some of the very first works of art were figures of hugely fecund women dropped all over Europe tens of thousands of years ago. American movies expressed that great fusion of sex and art, too. They are magnificent pagan dreams, utterly profane and glorious. Such movies need bombshells. They need to consume beautiful flesh in their sacrifices. They need women like Megan Fox."

THE CLOSING LINES

Stephen Marche ends his monumental fuck up of an article with these lines:

"On the way out, I notice something I hadn't seen on the way down. In the hallway sits a tall pedestal topped by a red-and-gold Byzantine icon of a crucified Christ and rows of white candles. The candles are usually lit, she tells me, before she leaves to go upstairs to take care of her newborn son.

"His name is Noah. In the ancient story of the flood, Noah and his family are the only ones who escape the general destruction of the corrupt world."

Can you imagine how much the editors were laughing as they shoveled this tripe into InDesign? Didn't American magazine interviews used to be like this?

Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT