Mike Phirman is incredibly uncomfortable writing about himself in the third person, so he is going to write his bio in the second person.

You attended UCLA where you received a degree in Philosophy. While at college, you met Chris Hardwick, a fellow comedy enthusiast with whom you began performing a musical act under the name “Hard ‘n Phirm.” Together, you’ve made an album, driven through a lot of corn, and taped a Comedy Central Presents special that you feel went not-too-badly.

You’ve also worked as a visual effects artist for movies and TV. (Don’t tell anyone, but on one episode of C.S.I. in which the camera follows a spark that sets off a car bomb, if you play it frame-by-frame, the spark briefly spells out “Hi Mom!”)

You love folding laundry and were born without a sense of smell.

You made a solo comedy music album called “The Very Last Songs I Will Ever Record (Part 1)”. You lost your mind when “Weird Al” Yankovic showed up to perform on one of the tracks.

You are currently recording songs that are meant to be kid-friendly but, at the same time, not so kid-friendly that they can’t be listened to in the car by the whole family without the parents wanting to find you and kill you. You will call the album: “Songs to Sing at Children.”

Most recently, you googled the words “comedian bio what to write”—you found nothing helpful.