Man who lives nowhere near London knows exactly what to do

Internet expert Simon Williams has spent hours angrily shouting about how to deal with London despite never having been near the place in his life.

Simon, who has read lots of articles and stuff, insists he is helping by posting a selection of angry rants, memes about social justice warriors, and calling any of the eight people who see his posts stupid if they disagree.

“It’s important someone stands up and says the unsayable,” he boldly told us from his bedsit many hundreds of miles away.

“Calling me an ill-informed moron is just an attempt to censor my free speech,” he heroically declared to nobody in particular.

“Other people are lying to you; only I tell the truth,” he added, supporting the claim with several unsourced text-on-a-picture posts based on cherry-picked data points.

When told that if he wanted to really help he could move to London and join the Metropolitan Police or maybe the ambulance service, Simon declined.

“I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t have time to do my vital work of telling people they’re stupid in caps on the Internet.

“Besides, I’d have to lose at least four stone to stand a chance of passing the medical.”