Pull my finger. Photo by Time.com

Ah, Beto O’Rourke. The Democratic Party Boy Wonder of the moment. With that boyish charm and Kennedy-esque smile, Beto is basking in the glow of love from those too politically naive to realize he’s about as far from Progressive as it’s possible to be.

Let’s start with his love affair with the fossil fuel industry. He signed on to the No Fossil Fuel Money pledge but accepted $430,000 from Big Oil and Gas. He must have had his fingers crossed behind his back, rendering said pledge null and void. Or he thought the check was from Greenpeace. Either way, I’m sure there’s a logical explanation.

And I don’t care that he’s from Texas like that’s supposed to give him a buy here. It does not, it’s completely irrelevant, and ludicrous to boot. I’m from Massachusetts, but I don’t go around burning witches and fawning over Tom Brady. Where you are from is not who you are. I fail to see why perpetrating the worst sins of your home state could ever be considered excusable behavior.

Fossil Fuels are bad. Period. I’ve heard Democrats say it’s “unconstitutional” to refuse donations from corporations hell-bent on destroying humanity for a quick buck. This is the biggest load of horseshit since Trump said Mexico would pay for the border wall. So don’t bother trying to make that fly either.

If that alone wasn't enough to disqualify him as a Progressive, O’Rourke supports the TPP and voted to allow President Obama ‘Fast Track’ authority, completely disregarding the welfare of the American workers and consumers he claims to champion. His position obviously and blatantly disregards environmental responsibility in the name of furthering corporate interests.

But when you are the second biggest recipient of funds from the Fossil Fuel Industry, I suppose trashing the planet really doesn’t matter. He’s only bested by Ted Cruz in that department. Ted Cruz people. Get a grip.

How in any universe is that considered Progressive, or even sane given the dire warnings from climate scientists everywhere? I’ll help you out here. It’s not.

But that was hardly the first or only time O’Rourke championed Big Business over the People. Don’t believe me? Check his voting record. I’ll wait.

And speaking of voting records, the supposedly progressive Beto didn’t support the House bill for single payer healthcare, or the one for debt and tuition-free college. How anyone can believe this corporate kiss-ass has any interest in the will or welfare of the average American is completely beyond me.

So he yammers on about a better future for all Americans while assisting in government-mandated genocide. And then his followers slam the GOP for doing and saying the exact same crap Dream Boy does, only while older, fatter, and balder.

He is more conservative than many self-proclaimed conservatives.

But I’ll hand one thing to O’Rourke — he’s got that old-timey, political glad-handing down pat. He’s the master of comforting catch-phrases motivational poster-style platitudes. He shakes his tousled locks, flashes that Osmond-esque smile and flings the B.S. while the neolib fangirls and boys eat it all up.

So stop trying to make Beto O’Rourke happen. In a world where Bernie Sanders exists he doesn’t stand a chance.

Look at meeeee! I’m a rock stah! Photo by CNN.com

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