AMARILLO, TX—Stating that the pivotal new evidence has helped them get significantly closer to zeroing in on a suspect, the Amarillo Police Department announced Wednesday that they have finally made a breakthrough in a decades-old marijuana possession cold case. “Despite multiple interrogations and stakeouts, the trail went cold shortly after we discovered that dime bag by the 7-Eleven on that fateful day in 1976—that is, until one of our detectives, acting on a hunch, ran some tests on a soda can pipe and Donald Duck lighter confiscated by a nearby high school around the same time,” said police spokesperson Hank Rampart, adding that they couldn’t believe such a huge clue was just sitting there right before their eyes for more than 40 years. “We’ve now fully reopened the case and have put all of our top agents on it. Given this crucial development, it should only be a matter of time until we bring the perpetrator to justice.” Rampart went on to say that whoever this sick person was, they could count on being put away for a long, long time.

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