MAPLEWOOD, MN—Touting the product as a revolution in space-saving, 3M released new Command self-adhesive Meat Hooks Friday for the organization-minded serial killers looking to reduce clutter in their lives and workspaces. “Say goodbye to those unsightly piles of corpses and tangles of severed limbs taking up all the space in your basement—because our new Command Meat Hooks provide an efficient storage solution expressly designed for serial killers, torture-murderers, and just about anyone else who feels overwhelmed by the mounting flesh of their victims,” a press release from 3M read in part, adding that the easy-to-hang meat hooks allow the conscientious hunter of human game to store, sort, and display up to 80% more of their unwitting prey in the same square footage of lair. “Command Meat Hooks are available in a variety of styles and tastefully understated colorways, all of which come equipped with labeling tabs, so organizing your unspeakable trophies has never been easier. And for those with more specialized and discerning tastes, our hooks are available in sizes fit for smaller and more tender hands, feet, and viscera, as well as Super Duty Bulk Hooks for those corn-fed heartland lunkers who tip the scales at up to 450 pounds. No matter what your tastes, Command Meat Hooks are up to snuff!” The 3M corporation also noted that the hooks’ easy-removal adhesive tabs meant that the reapers who winnow the great crop of mankind need not worry about accidentally chipping their walls or ceilings while hiding evidence as the police close in.

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