That dull ache in your heart that feels like it's being squeezed - that gentle pain that feels like love saying goodnight or a happy memory stabbing up to the surface that you can't relive. Tears that you welcome. That's what I crave more than anything. Smiling while sobbing. It's the bittersweet, complex feelings that do it for me these days. Simple happiness or sadness are great on their own sometimes, but as you grow you need to up the ante sometimes.

That's why I've done the things that I've done. Because I want to feel that beautiful clash of sorrow and joy, to feel my relationships with others blossom and wilt and blossom again as I grow and learn. I know this makes me strange. I know it can be unforgivably selfish. I swore to myself at the start of all this that I would be careful to not hurt those I care about too badly.

But they look so beautiful when they cry.

I know that's a terrible thing to say. I hate myself a little for even thinking it. But it's true. There are things about your friends and family that you'll simply never know about them if they are always smiling around you. Everyone has faces they will only show to those who hurt them - terrifying grimaces, empty thousand yard stares, soft smiles that make you want to die. These things are jealously hidden away in the darkest of places, carefully guarded against all of their loved ones.

I think that's unfair. Terribly, terribly unfair. When you love someone, don't you want to see every part of who they are? I do. And I've met many who I love with all of my heart. So I've hurt them. Does that make sense? It's only then that I can see who they truly are. Even if it is cruel, I cannot regret it. I feel so full and complete when watching someone close to me break down and show me what they hide inside. The things they think are ugly or unworthy. These things are so precious to me.

Their lectures.

Their insults.

Their rage.

Their violence.

Their pity.

Their hate.

Their weakness.

Their threats.

Their self-loathing.

Their fear.

Their pain.

Their strength.

Their courage.

Their sacrifice.

Their relief.

Their hope.

Their love.

So cool. So painful. So complex and satisfying.

I didn't always feel this way. I know it's mostly THEIR fault. It wasn't until I fell down into THEIR world that I learned to appreciate these hidden treasures as much as I do now. But it would be unfair to say I am blameless. After all, it's why I ran away from home. I wanted to feel the ache of loneliness building in my chest. I wanted to feel despair build. And I wanted to feel guilt melt into desperation and fear before returning home to a beautiful mix of anger, confusion, relief, and joy. I couldn't wait to feel that hug that was just a little too tight. I couldn't wait to cry into her shoulders. I don't think that was too strange. I think many children around that age feel that way from time to time.

But thanks to THEM... I was able to experience everything - all the beauty and all the ugly in life - as much as I wanted. Over and over and over again. At first I was terrified. At first I couldn't imagine hurting anyone. But I kept going on for years. I loved it - I loved you too much to let you go. And eventually I couldn't help but listen to THEM. And THEY were right.

Everyone looks so beautiful when they cry.

Why am I writing this?

I guess it's an apology. That, and... an explanation? I want to explain what I've done to you because I respect and love you so much - I've put you through more than anyone. I know that.

I also know I cannot expect any forgiveness. But I'm still sorry. Because even though my happiest moments were watching you hate me, hurt me, kill me over and over and over and over... I know you couldn't have enjoyed it like I did.

You looked really awesome, you know that? I still get shivers thinking about the first time you killed me. Your eyes were so dark, so empty. I was so surprised. Who knew that you were so strong? Someone as gentle and care free as you? I think, of everyone I've met down here, you're the person I love the most. You probably don't want to hear that, coming from someone like me. But I still selfishly wanted to say it.

I also wanted to tell you... I'm stopping now.

I'm not going any further.

I'm quitting.

Don't worry, I'll start it all over one more time. I'll bring back all the others I've killed. I'll bring back your brother.

But after that, I'm done.

Part of me wants to bring everyone back to our happy ending - to our escape beyond the barrier.

But I know you'll remember this. Remember what I've done. And so will Asriel. And so will THEY.

I can't play the hero any more. It wouldn't just be dishonest, it'd be impossible. THEIR voice is too loud in my head. I want to see my friends' hidden faces too much to resist any more. So I have to do as you ask and stop. And never come back.

Thank you for stopping me.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

My one regret is never seeing the face you'll make when I finally get you, Sans.

I love you so much.