Name: Sneezing.

Appearance: Yucky.

Also known as: Sternutation.

Oh come on. I know what sneezing is. Sure, but the question is: do you know how to do it?

Sneezing is an autonomous process, so I don’t have to know how to do it. Ha! It’s semi-autonomous, yes, but there are still decisions to make. Whether to pinch your nose shut, where to sneeze, whether to shout at the same time ...

Shout-sneezers annoy me. Everyone annoys you. How about where to do it?

Are you saying I should rush to the toilet or something? No. But you must still choose where to direct the sneeze.

Into a disposable tissue. Isn’t that right? Yes. But what if you don’t have a tissue, or you can’t get it out in time? Where do you sneeze then?

Towards someone I don’t like. What if you like everybody within range?

That’s rare. I don’t know. Into my hand, maybe? Wrong! Sneezing into your hand just covers your hand with nose goo, which you’re then likely to spread. You should sneeze into your elbow.

My elbow? I can’t reach. The inside of your elbow, dummkopf. Bury your nose in there when you sneeze. That’s the official advice of the US’s Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It’s the best course of action when you cough, too.

This is revolutionary! Why am I only hearing about it now? It has been catching on slowly over the past decade.

Do I have to wash my elbow afterwards? When you get the chance, sure, but I’m guessing people don’t touch the inside of your elbow very often.

Sadly, no. What if I’m wearing sleeves? Do I remove my shirt and throw it away? That might be expensive and awkward. No, that’s fine. But it’s probably a good idea to wash your clothes regularly when you’re ill.

How about pinching my nose and closing my mouth? Isn’t that even more hygienic? I don’t know. Maybe. But you may also do yourself a mischief.

How can you hurt yourself by suppressing a sneeze? Last month, the British Medical Journal reported the case of a man who tore his throat in the process.

Um ... OK. Maybe I won’t do that. Good plan.

Do say: “You’re going to sneeze, I can tell. Here it comes ... bless you!”

Don’t say: “Aargh! You put me off! Now it has gone away again.”