My side of the family has a tradition that I’m certain every other family has as well. Every Thanksgiving, no matter how many people come to my parent’s table, we each take turns saying one thing we’re grateful for. We do it before we eat and with twenty to thirty people showing up for the festivities, it can take a while to get through everyone. It’s tradition, though, so we do it anyway.

Somehow this tradition always catches me off guard as my focus is more on the pies and my rumbling stomach. I’m the type of person who wants to say something more personable and thoughtful, but when it comes to my turn my mind blanks and I end up saying something generic. The last two years I’ve tried (and failed) to be witty.

On our drive to my parent’s house, I remembered and I started going through what I might say. What am I really grateful for? What things mean something to me this year? That’s when I realized all the things I can’t say at the table tonight. So, I’m saying them here.

1. I’m thankful that I’ve left the church. Leaving the church has been hard. I’ve cried more tears over this journey than I’ve smiled smiles. It’s taken me years to get to this point, but I honestly wouldn’t change it. Opening my eyes to the church has also opened my eyes to the goodness of the world. I’m less pessimistic, more actively engaged, less judgmental, more compassionate, and overall a better person. I don’t wear guilt and shame like a heavy piece of jewelry that can never be taken off. Even my imperfections, which weighed me down and stressed me out, are now things I easily live with. I’ve exchanged being the “perfectly good daughter” for being a more authentic version of myself. With each passing day, I become more and more comfortable with who I am.

2. I’m thankful for the path I’ve widen for my children. Yes, my children still go to the Mormon church with their dad, but the path they walk in this life isn’t so straight and narrow anymore. As my husband and I deal with our mixed faith marriage, we’ve been able to introduce nuances to our children. Mom drinks coffee, wears tank tops, and doesn’t go to church, but she’s still mom and she’s not bad. We all believe in love, kindness, and using our minds. As my children grow, they won’t be so restricted and whoever they end up being as they grow will be fully and wonderfully embraced. I’m thankful I can give that to them without reserve or judgement.

3. I’m thankful for my husband’s support during this journey. I’m very aware that my journey is not mine alone. As I’ve changed, my family must change as well. During this change my husband has been very supportive. We’ve had to learn to communicate more effectively, we’ve had to hold each other’s hurt and anger, and we’ve had to trust the other would always be there. Through it all, my husband has done his best to understand even when he doesn’t agree. This is what unconditional love looks like and I am so incredibly grateful for it.

4. I’m thankful for marriage counseling, personal therapy, and my therapist. My journey out of the church only really started when I acknowledged I needed help. I was already taking steps to leave the church, but therapy (in all its many forms) helped me with the fallout, the fears, and the anxieties. It helped me be less afraid (even though I was terrified) and helped me open up to my husband. I am where I am because of therapy and because I had a therapist who understood where I was coming from. I highly recommend therapy for anyone leaving the church.

5. I’m thankful for my post-Mormon book club. It’s not really a post-Mormon book club, but over half of us have left the church. We call in the best book club ever, and in reality, it is. I love this group of women. I love having friends who understand me instantly because of our bit of shared history. I love the books we read, the way we discuss things, and the wine we drink. (Who would have thought wine and book clubs go together?)

6. I’m thankful for coffee. I’m not a coffee addict, but I love my coffee. I love being able to sit back with a warm cup after my husband goes to work and the kids to school. It’s because a near daily ritual now. I sit back, catch up on the news, and sip this half-bitter brew to get my day started. I look forward to this personal, thirty minute session of self-care. It’s probably the simplest thing I’m grateful for and I love it. Doing it with hot cocoa or tea just isn’t the same. It’s coffee or bust.

I do wish I could say just one of these things at tonight’s Thanksgiving dinner. I want my family to know I’m happy with who I am and there’s a deepness to my life that they know nothing about. I’m more than the woman they see and I’m more than who they think I am.

I’m not sad, though. I know sharing even one of these things will get me raised eyebrows with a side of heavy conversation, but I’m not sad. I keep reaching for the words to describe my feelings and sadness doesn’t quite fit. I know they wouldn’t understand and I’m okay with that for now because I know what they will see. Tonight they’ll see a woman who’s happy and content with herself. They’ll also see a lot of pie of my plate. That will just have to do this year.

Happy Thanksgiving my fellow heathens.