CLEVELAND—Noting that the Secret Service had barred the possession of guns at this year’s Republican National Convention, sources at Quicken Loans Arena reported Tuesday that hundreds of trembling, pallid attendees were currently struggling to endure a second day of firearm withdrawal. “Boy, the people here are in a pretty rough spot—all the color’s drained out of their faces and almost all of them are muttering something to themselves,” said arena maintenance team leader Dave Walsh, who noted that it was easy to identify the victims of gun withdrawal by their wide, bloodshot eyes, thick beads of perspiration on their foreheads, and the way they wandered aimlessly around the convention floor grasping reflexively at their hips in a vain effort to grip a weapon that wasn’t there. “I’ve caught at least a dozen delegates begging members of the security detail for a quick peek at their sidearms, and just a few minutes ago I walked right in on a guy sobbing in the men’s room.” Walsh added that things appeared to be particularly dire over by the Texas and Arkansas delegations, where every member was curled up silently on the floor clutching their knees tightly to their chests with a dead, expressionless look frozen in their eyes.

Advertisement