Scientists Taking Gray Whale Census: Scientists will soon be visiting California's Monterey Bay to do a census count on the migration of the Eastern North Pacific gray whale. Angry researchers say they've been forced to make the trip because the lazy whales just couldn't be bothered to take the time to fill-out their damn census forms.

Ben Carson's Campaign Manager and 20 Staffers Quit: Republican Ben Carson's 2016 presidential bid has been thrown into chaos after his campaign manager and some 20 other staff members quit amid infighting, dropping poll numbers and negative media coverage. No kidding! It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that Ben Carson's campaign is over! Or does it? LA Speed Dating Organization Shut Down: The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Deputies have raided and closed down the offices of a popular speed dating organization. Police say they discovered the speed daters were using methamphetamines.

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Trump Calls for Return of Waterboarding by US: Republican frontrunner Donald Trump called for the return of waterboarding - a near-drowning interrogation technique widely denounced as torture - saying it was just "peanuts" compared to what Islamic State is doing. Of course here in LA, the practice would most likely be more like "bottled waterboarding," especially since we're in the middle of a drought.

Peking Man Sophisticated and Meticulous About Clothing: Anthropologists say that artifacts suggest that one of our distant relatives known as Peking Man was most likely sophisticated and meticulous about their clothing. Yea, I shudder to imagine the pain and humiliation associated with wearing a wrinkled or stained mammoth pelt. Woman Too Old To List Age on Facebook: A 104-year-old woman is complaining to Facebook that she couldn't post her real age because the birthdate drop-down menu only goes back as far as 1910. Why bother complaining? Hell, by the time she finishes scrolling down to her year, she'll be dead anyway.

Man Dies After Roach-Eating Contest: Authorities say the winner of a roach-eating contest in South Florida died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms. On a positive note, now he'll no longer have to live a life of eating live roaches.

Baby Reaches Out From Womb To Grab Doctor's Finger: In a photo that is going viral, a baby reached out of her mother's womb and grabbed her doctor's finger in the midst of a C-section delivery. In related news, the doctor has filed a sexual harassment suit against the baby for unwanted touching.

Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter Celebrates Anniversary: NASA is reporting that its Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter is now celebrating its seventh anniversary of circling the red planet. Good grief, you'd think after 7 years, they'd finally get permission to land. California Has Highest Gas Prices: AAA is reporting that California has passed Alaska and Hawaii for having the most expensive gas prices in the nation. Fortunately, because people in California do very little driving, the impact is expected to be marginal.