Huge Star Wars Fan Meets Mortal Enemy, Other Huge Star Wars Fan

DECATUR, Ga. — Local Star Wars superfan John Aaronson, 38, recently encountered his arch nemesis: a fellow Star Wars superfan in the form of 35 year-old Mark Bergeron.

“I saw this guy with a rebel alliance crest on his shirt and decided to see what a dipshit he was,” said Aaronson, who bears a similar tattoo on his left bicep. “And I was totally right. This motherfucker said A’Sharad Hett, AKA Darth Krayt, was the greatest Sith Lord, so yeah, he’s one of those psychos that still engages with the weird, shitty Legends continuity in spite of absolutely none of it being canon.”

Bergeron shared his own impressions of Aaronson following the ensuing altercation over the duo’s shared passion.

“I was just sitting here eating and this weirdo with a First Order patch on his jacket starts yelling at me,” he said. “He told me it’s a crime to disregard all the hard work Disney has put into creating a cohesive expanded universe and that I was spitting in their face by reading old stuff like New Jedi Order or The Han Solo Trilogy. I wasn’t gonna take that lying down so I called him a bootlicker for just swallowing the watered down shit Disney was spoon feeding him and begging Papa Mouse for more drivel like Rebels or Doctor Aphra.”

Other occupants of the shop who did their best to give the pair of Star Wars superfans a wide berth expressed overall discomfort with every aspect of the situation.

“It was crazy uncomfortable watching these two grown ass men shouting at each other about increasingly obscure bits of Star Wars lore,” said cashier Jesse Logan. “Like, I’ve seen a lot of arguments break out in here over the best Zelda game or whatever, but this one was vicious, like it was personal for these guys. It’s weird, I don’t like Star Wars that much, but these guys really don’t like Star Wars!”

At press time, Aaronson and Bergeron had squared up with replica Darth Maul and Kylo Ren lightsabers while the shop was being evacuated.

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