Hi, I’m Mary, and this is my column no one asked for about things I like!

Hi!

It’s finally spring (for today, at least) and you all (what if I became one of those people who says “y’all” because they lived in the South for longer than five minutes? Would you kill me? I hope so) know what that means: I got a fresh new pair of kicks. A brand-new pair of white sneakers, to be exact. I have two pairs of black boots I wear in the winter, but the rest of the year I’m wearing white sneaks, girl. I buy a new pair every spring and by the end of every fall, I’ve more or less destroyed them but continue to wear them anyway.

For over a year now, I’ve had my eyes on these Reebok Club C 85 sneakers. The moment I saw them on some random ass website, I knew they were the ones. The problem is that I could never find them in my size. So when I finally did a few months ago, I ordered them even though I don’t exactly have money lol whoops. They arrived this week, just in time for the warm weather, and as soon as I saw them, I knew they’d be worth sacrificing my health insurance for, if it comes to that.

Aren’t they beautiful?

Let me guess — your dad has the same shoes? I bought them from Urban Outfitters, which is the first time I’ve ordered anything from that store in years because they just happened to flag my account for fraud a week after I turned 30, which is crazy because I’m only 17. I guess they finally got the memo that I’m actually so young, because I was able to order these shoes without a hitch.

This may be hard to believe, but there was a time when I wore heels every day. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking either, except that if I wore heels, people might not be able to tell I was 5 feet tall. Which they, of course, couldn’t. Back in my lift days, people used to be shocked when I told them my height (or lack thereof). Now that I spend all my time on flat soles, no one’s ever surprised to find out I’m short, which is fine by me because guess what? I’m short! If you can’t hide it, paint it red and put on a nice, comfortable pair of white sneakers.

I stopped wearing heels when I moved to New York City, for obvious reasons (because they’re illegal here. JK but they should be). Living here means walking a lot, so I soon switched to oxfords and ballet flats (ugh) which, despite being flat-soled, were still uncomfortable. I’d been here for a few years before I finally decided to wear a pair of sneakers to work. And I never looked back! Granted, my work now consists of writing this and talking about my pussy onstage, neither of which exactly require me to dress up. So I don’t! I wear jeans and t-shirts and, you guessed it, white sneakers. Wow, you’re right — I’m so easy going.

Of course, the problem with white sneakers is that they get dirty, but I think that may be why I like them. Every summer, I feel so much pressure to be social, to get out into the world and do stuff, and by the time September rolls around, I always feel like I didn’t take advantage of the weather at all. My sneakers, however, are evidence that I’ve been active — that I’ve gone out and enjoyed the summer, or at least gotten very, very dirty.

Here are some of the sneakers I’ve kicked the shit out of over the course of the past few summers:

I bought these Adidas Stan Smiths two years ago and sprayed them with sneaker protector and they still look pretty good, all things considered. People tease me for wearing velcro shoes all the time but um, hello — ever heard of a little thing called fashion?

Dirty

Here’s a pair of Nikes I got probably three years ago (it appears they’ve been discontinued). They’re filthy, some would say ruined, but I still wear them all the time. They look weathered and lived in and therefore serve as a perfect contrast to my lineless face JK.

Filthy

Last year, I bought these Vans, which still look pretty goddamn good, if you ask me. While I love a good, sturdy pair of leather sneakers more than anything, New York City gets…how do I say this…hotter than my clit in the summer, so I always make sure to have a pair or two of white cotton sneakers hanging around in case my feet need to breathe.

Gross

I bought these Converse Chuck Taylors many years ago and loved them very much. Sometimes I think about buying a new pair, but I still kind of like these, even though they’re a disgusting shade of yellowish brown now. I still wear them on rainy days in the summer.

Disgusting

That’s a lot of white sneakers, you’re probably thinking, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my eye on another pair! If I ever have a stable income again, the first thing I’ll buy is these high-top Keds (in white, obviously). They’d just look so good with my Levi’s Wedgies!

I’ve written about all sorts of things in this space: my mother’s death, eating disorders, aging — but I think this is my most personal column ever. You’ve gotten a glimpse inside my brain, and you’ve seen that it’s filled with all the white sneakers I’ve loved (but not lost because I might want to wear them again) and all the white sneakers I know I could love if I just had the money to buy them (I do not).

As always, I’d like to clarify that this is NOT a sponsored post. I received nothing for it and am pretty sure no one cares that I’m obsessed with white sneakers. Still, if anyone is reading and ever wants to give me literally anything for free, footwear or not, I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!

Anyway, I hope this was helpful. I’ll be back with more unsolicited recommendations soon!