Last Friday, at the Alabama State Fair, visiting politician and lawyer ‘Abraham Lincoln’ was quoted, on the record, as saying the following: “I am naturally anti-slavery; If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.”

All nine members of the Birmingham Brassketeers gasped in the same key before stopping mid-song, a number of ponies reared up, throwing their riders several inches to the ground and dozens of innocent fair-goers stood frozen; dumbstruck by the absurdity of what Lincoln had said.

On many occasions, the congressman has voiced his “anti-slavery” views, which -according to him- rest upon our fundamental right, as human beings, to freedom; what Lincoln seems to be implying, is that the negroid is not subhuman! Well, I tell you what: I think we need to take this long-neck-ed sissy boy back to the school house and teach him a thing or two about the ways of our Lord. We ain't gonna tolerate that kind of talk in these United States of America. We ain't no Frenchies, we ain't no "English fruit flies"; this here, is the land of the free, sonny boy - well, mostly.

And look now, I think we can all agree: it's wrong to chain folks up. But can’t we also agree: black folks ain't folks? They's sub-folks. It's fine to chain up sub-folks. As long as you feed 'em and... give 'em sweet tea. Why, just the other day, I saw a slave fella lying back with his feet up, sippin’ on a cool drink with a lemon wedge stuck on the lip of the glass; I can’t afford cool drinks. Hell, I can’t even get my hands on a lemon this time of year.

Anyhow, to conclude -as well as summarize- my point: yes: black folks are more than capable of grasping the English language and yes: on a very fundamental level our anatomy is basically identical, but… they's darker than we is, so enslaving them… ain't such a big deal. Which is why that big boned board bender "Lincoln" had better learn his place. Oh, and grow yourself some whiskers, son; you look like a low-level Russian mob member.

About the author:

Jebediah Cottonwood is a father of nineteen, seven of which did not die of pneumonia, typhoid or dysentery. He began writing late last fall when finally, a local slave by the name of Fred, explained the proper way to use semicolons. When not crafting elegant pieces such as this, Jebediah spends his time constructing as well as repairing stools and afterward… sitting on them.