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Congratulations, person reading this, whoever you are.

You are not the most insane person in the world.

Nope, that title goes to this mom from my hometown of Arlington, Va, who went off the damn rails at the male instructor of her daughter’s swimming class.

The reason? He wasn’t wearing a shirt. In the pool.

For real.

Join us at the fantastic local website Arlington Now, who documented the story.

The mother, who goes by “Lynn” but didn’t want her last name used, to protect her daughter’s privacy, says a male swim instructor is showing too much skin — specifically, his chest — in the pool. She wants the man to wear a shirt when teaching her daughter (and other children) how to swim. “I sit with my daughter every week watching her… and of course the instructors are touching and holding children the entire time!” she said in an email.

Well the other option is to let them drown, I guess. Her issue is that the instructor’s skin touches her daughter’s skin.

HEAVENS TO FUCKING BETSY.

Here’s her letter to the Arlington County Parks & Recreation Department:

Hello Crystal: I took my daughter to this class yesterday. Unfortunately the male instructor’s breasts were flopping on the water and we felt extremely uncomfortable with her getting into the water skin-to-skin and in such close proximity to his intimate space. When I mentioned this to the Parks & Rec representative she told me that other parents had also complained; that he was asked to put a shirt on but refused. To be in such close and intimate proximity to this man’s bare chest, breasts and public [chest] hair is unfathomable and I can not believe it is tolerated. I’d like to switch my daughter’s class to an instructor who is more appropriate and does not make us feel uncomfortable.

Loooolll. Loolll. Lolll

The department correctly responded by very politely calling her complaint stupid.

Crystal forwarded your email to me, as she works in the Registration office. To address your concern, all of the instructors teaching for DPR wear swim suits that are appropriate for swimming pools, active movement, both in and out of the swimming pool and for teaching swimming lessons. Swim shirts are provided to instructors to wear, typically for warmth but are not required. I am sorry that you feel uncomfortable, however, [the instructor] handles himself in a very professional manner in water with students. Your daughter is enrolled in a Fin 3 class, where typically, most of the swimming skills are taught through verbal directions and demonstration and are practiced independently, with some correction from the instructor. But some skills do require the instructor to have contact with the students. I do not have another class to switch your daughter into for the session that you are currently enrolled. If you do not wish to continue, I can cancel her enrollment in the class. Please let me know how you would like to proceed. Warm Regards, Trina Wood

Aquatics Coordinator

The mom handled that rational, reasonable response by alerting the media to this travesty.

Hello Arlington County Newspapers, Radio and Media Corp: Do you know how badly the Arlington County Parks & Recreation System sucks? Get back in touch with me and I’ll gladly share my experiences from over the years. It’s mostly due to responses like the one I received — it’s like everyone in the parks & rec system have undergone the exact same training: “How to be a Jerk”. Today’s response is not the first of its nature. Again, I would be glad to share my experiences with you, you will be shocked. Please get back in touch with me.

Me thinks a little skin-to-skin contact with a swimming instructor is going to be the least of that poor kid’s problems.

[Via Arlington Now]