Warning: you’re going to hate me by the end of this post. I hate me, too.

My ex boyfriend and I were high school sweethearts. We met my freshman year (his sophomore year) and were inseparable. It was the purest, most wholesome relationship. We wanted to wait for marriage to have sex (made it to like 3 and a half years) and just had a lot of respect for each other and our relationship.

He was (and is) the best person I’ve ever met. He wasn’t perfect at all but he strove to be the best that he could be. In the 5 years we were together, he never did anything to hurt me. All he ever wanted to do was to see me smile. He would spend his last dime on on me and always put me above himself.

I started taking him for granted, badly. I started feeling entitled to the things he did. I don’t know if it was my low self esteem or what, but it was almost as though I looked down on him for loving me. He wasn’t the coolest or most attractive guy and I was the first and only girl who ever had any interest in him. I started thinking “of course he’s doing all of these things for me. He knows he can’t get better.” Disgusting, I know.

I started getting extremely irritated by every little thing about him. Things I used to love. His voice became “girly and annoying” to me. His love of Japanese culture and anime became “geeky and pathetic” (even though I liked it too!) He became “too short” in my eyes even though I never minded before (he’s 5’6 which isn’t even that short). I started noticing other unattractive features that I literally never had a problem with before. I became a shallow hag.

I started noticing other guys and wondering what it would be like to be with them instead. I started feeling like I could “do better” or at least wanted to try to see if I could. He wasn’t even my boyfriend at this point, but an obstacle. An obstacle that bought me food and gave me rides. I told myself that I loved him but deep down I knew the truth.

Right before my 3rd year of college, I decided to break up with him. I had it in my mind that I would “experience” a new guy while away. I didn’t know who; I was just determined to see someone else. Preferably someone as different from my boyfriend as possible. My boyfriend asked if we would be getting back together and, terribly, I told him that we probably would. That I just needed to “figure myself out”.

We still talked daily when I was back at college. I still had my plan, though. Before long, I met a guy. He was the complete and utter opposite of my boyfriend- exactly what I (thought I) wanted. Oh, and obviously, this wasn’t a good thing. He was a notorious POS asshole who had nothing going for him except good looks. I got involved with him and cut my ex boyfriend off from everything.

What happened next is exactly what you’re thinking (and no doubt hoping). He treated me almost the exact same way as I treated my ex. It’s almost hilarious how well Karma did her job. I couldn’t even be upset- I knew I deserved every bit of it. Stupidly, I fell for this guy. It became such an embarrassing cliche after that. Think Dua Lipa’s “New Rules.”

Shockingly, my ex boyfriend has somehow forgiven me and we’re friends. He still sees the good in me which should tell you everything about how huge is heart is. I apologize to him nonstop and go out of my way to treat him. It still doesn’t lessen the immense guilt and shame that I feel. I wake up every night remembering what I did and just want to die. All I pray is that he finds a woman 100x better than me.

EDIT: Holy....smokes. I did not expect this post to get this much attention. I was literally expecting a bunch of downvotes with 3 or 4 comments calling me a bitch. For the people telling me to forgive myself and/or telling me you’ve been where I am, you’ve brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate it so, so much. To the people that are calling me a bitch, I 100% agree. All I can really do at this point is be grateful that I learned a lesson and promise myself that I’ll never treat another human being like that again. Not only because I now know exactly how it feels, but because it’s the decent thing to do. Again, thank you all so very much.