VANCOUVER, BC - A new art installation under the Granville bridge has some citizens fuming and the city’s homeless making sweet, sweet love under its soft twinkling lights. The piece, an oversized neo-gothic chandelier, weighing in at 3400 kilos, called Spinning Chandelier was installed last week. The decorative lighting, which came at a 4.8 million dollar price tag, is being called an eyesore by some local residents and a much needed spotlight on the romantic interludes of the city’s under-housed by others.





In an effort to combat the ongoing housing crisis, the City of Vancouver mandated that Spinning Chandelier be installed by a local developer in hopes of providing the homeless with a venue to make love in a location more romantic than the traditional dank alleyway.





An advocate for the city’s homeless population, Janice Oldslitte, says that Spinning Chandelier serves to shine a bright spotlight on the homeless population of Vancouver. “Making love in a romantic atmosphere is a right, not a privilege. People deserve $4.8MM of ambiance hanging above their beds, even if those beds are thin sheets of cardboard on the cold, hard ground.”





The artist responsible for the piece, Rodney Graham, agrees. “Just because you’re poor, it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to make love in a sexy, romantic location. Without a doubt I consider myself an ally in the equal opportunity love-making movement.”





“It was clear that the best decisions have always been made by old, white men in suits, and we saw no reason to change that, so naturally we commissioned an old white man to make the art installation,” said Mayor Kennedy Stewart, another man in a suit, in reference to artist Rodney Graham. “We wouldn’t be where we are today as a society were it not for the brave and noble actions of the Caucasian patriarchy.”





Some local residents adjacent to the Granville Bridge installation, however, hold some animosity toward Spinning Chandelier, which they say illuminates something to which they’d rather turn a blind eye. “It’s like a giant hobo porno down there,” says neighbour Reggie Cannon, “I could have gone my whole life without seeing this.” But see it he does, from the large windows of his $2 million, 542 square foot condo. "It’s like a flashback to the time I accidentally rented Bin Bang 4 from Blockbuster.”





The piece has been a long time coming, but now that it is installed, many have mixed feelings on the value it adds to the neighbourhood, and to the city.





Diner en Blanc organizers are already planning next summer’s outrageously priced picnic to take place beneath the glorified lightbulb. Avid fans of anything white, patrons of the colour-segregated evening felt the new venue fitting to honour both the city’s mayor, and the piece’s artist. “The event is about bringing awareness to things that are rich and white,” says event organizer Becky Taylor. “To me this all makes perfect sense, you could almost call the placement of Spinning Chandelier the perfect representation of what our event stands for.”









Elizabeth Berkshire, a resident of the area beneath the bridge who often leaves her extensive collection of cans there under the guard of her terrier, Tito, until she’s ready to visit the recycling centre says, “It’s much more romantic than an oil barrel fire, and I think much less toxic. Though I wish they at least had given us a light switch for the thing. Me and Tito are trying to get some shut-eye.”





“What’s really nice is that the rats and roaches don’t really care for the bright light,” says Big Gerry, a regular under the Granville Bridge.





“Spinning Chandelier is here to show the world that as a city we are willing to step up and help with the housing crisis” says the mustachioed, monocle-wearing developer Milburn P. Baggs, “Equal opportunity love-making is a pressing issue and we’re willing to put in the time and resources to help those in need, while at the same time continuing to uphold the founding principles of late-stage capitalism.”





Local jogger, Mark Tse, when asked what he thought about Spinning Chandelier said, “The what now? Oh. I never looked up.”