Captain America: The First Avenger tells us the inspiring story of a skinny weakling who takes excessive quantities of a dangerous performance enhancing drug and becomes a national hero. Along the way he meets a girl, records propaganda films and defeats Sammy Sosa for the 1998 regular season Home Run title.

Standing in Captain America’s way is the evil Red Skull, who bears a striking resemblance to the father of the kid in “Son of The Mask.” Red Skull has developed some sort of laser, which he intends to use to achieve modest goals of establishing himself as a respected political figure in a small, manageable region of, we’re just kidding, he intends on taking over the entire world.

Aiding Captain America is Tommy Lee Jones, who appears to have been 73 for the past three decades, his loyal sidekick Bucky, who we’re pretty sure had some lines in the movie, and a guy named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan who wears a bowler hat, ironic mustache and to re-emphasize, is named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan.