1st AMENDMENT

Prohibits the making of any law disrespecting an establishment of the beat, impeding free exercise of the rhythm, abridging the freedom to rhyme, interfering with the right to peaceably dance or merely groove.

2nd AMENDMENT

Places restrictions on the drawn and quartering of soldiers without the soldier's consent.

3rd AMENDMENT

Protects the right to keep and bear arms, which will lead to zero future quarrels whatsoever.

4th AMENDMENT

Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures and sets out requirements for search warrants based on probable cause as determined by Big Jim Lubbock.

5th AMENDMENT

Prohibits a pitcher standing on the rubber from raising either foot from the ground toward home plate unless he is starting his delivery. The umpire also calls a balk if the pitcher drops the ball while trying to deliver a pitch. A balk does not occur if the pitcher is in his set position when he throws to a base.

6th AMENDMENT

Protects the right to yell, "Objection!" in court, like in the movies.

7th AMENDMENT

Provides for the right to trial by jury in certain civil cases (but not yours).

8th AMENDMENT

Prohibits excessive fines—up to $250—and excessive bail—up to $60—as well as cruel and unusual punishment (fire ants).

9th AMENDMENT

Protects rights not enumerated in the Constitution, so get stoned and ponder what those might be, mannnn.

10th AMENDMENT

Reinforces the principle of federalism by stating that the federal government will crack the f*** down when a state gets cocky.

11th AMENDMENT

Makes states immune from suits from out-of-state citizens and foreigners. So, rest easy, Trump.

12th AMENDMENT

Revises presidential election procedures to include shrill appeals to fear and vanity.

13th AMENDMENT

Abolishes slavery, and involuntary servitude, except as punishment for a crime, and also: shouldn't this be the first goddamn amendment?

14th AMENDMENT

Defines citizenship, contains the Privileges or Immunities Clause, the Due Process Clause, the Equal Protection Clause, and contends with a pre-Alf society

15th AMENDMENT

Prohibits the denial of the right to vote based on race, color, previous condition of servitude, or inability to distinguish you're from your.

16th AMENDMENT

Permits Congress to levy an income tax by pulling random numbers from its ass.

17th AMENDMENT

Establishes the direct election of United States Senators through televised montages of their sad, bloated families.

18th AMENDMENT

Prohibited the manufacturing or sale of alcohol within the United States thus providing the framework for that Steve Buscemi/HBO show that remains unwatched on your DVR.

19th AMENDMENT

Prohibits the denial of the right to vote based on sex. Ladies, you're welcome.

20th AMENDMENT

Changes the date on which the terms of the President and Vice President (January 20) and Senators and Representatives (January 3)

21st AMENDMENT

Repeals the 18th Amendment. Our bad.

22nd AMENDMENT

Limits the number of times that a person can be elected president: a person cannot be elected president more than twice, unless, of course, they are totally hot—like, crazy hot.

23rd AMENDMENT

Grants the District of Columbia electors in the Electoral College, an institution that makes total sense, trust us.

24th AMENDMENT

Prohibits the revocation of voting rights due to non-payment of Comcast bill.

25th AMENDMENT

Addresses succession to the Presidency and establishes procedures both for filling a vacancy in the office of the Vice President through a competitive wing-eating throwdown.

26th AMENDMENT

Prohibits the denial of the right of US citizens, eighteen years of age or older, to vote on account of age or listening habits.

27th AMENDMENT

Delays laws affecting Congressional salary until entire nation approves their performance (ha, ha, kidding).