INDIANAPOLIS—Sources from across the nation confirmed Friday that the heartwarming story of Indianapolis Colts scout team player Marcus Newsome, a 31-year-old linebacker who realized his NFL dream five years after being diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, totally fucking sucks. “Frankly, Marcus’ whole against-all-odds narrative does absolute jack shit to inspire me,” said 28-year-old Denver native Joe Mackie, adding that Newsome eventually earning an NFL contract despite doctors telling him he’d never play football again is, at best, a fucking lame and totally derivative imitation of Magic Johnson. “From start to finish, the whole thing just blows. He was in treatment for barely over a year, so it’s not like he was on the verge of death before clawing his way back to the top—that would have at least made me believe anything is possible through self-belief, willpower, and determination. Either show up with an incredibly moving story of courage in the face of adversity or don’t even come to the table. Just don’t waste my time with some hackneyed crap I’ve already heard a hundred times before. What an asshole.” Sources later speculated that pretty much the only way Newsome’s story wouldn’t completely suck shit would be if he eventually won a Super Bowl just days after one of his parents tragically passed away following a brave, protracted battle with cancer.

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