GREENVILLE, NC—As the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. “Oh God, oh God, oh God—we sent them all straight into the hurricane’s path,” said a terror-stricken FEMA administrator Brock Long, who assured reporters that FEMA rescue workers were collaborating with state officials to rectify their error of urging 1 million residents across multiple states to leave their homes, drive or take buses to the shore, board boats, and travel directly into the oncoming storm. “We probably should’ve realized what we were doing when we called on residents to immediately leave their homes with their bathing suits on and make their way to the nearest beach. Things have been pretty frantic and confusing, but that’s not really any excuse for us piling people into dinghies with lightning rods attached or just shoving residents in inner tubes off the Outer Banks into the wallowing sea. Man, we really screwed this one up.” At press time, panic was mounting at FEMA after officials realized they had just accidentally redirected the 1 million people fleeing Hurricane Florence to head for safety at the bottom of the ocean.

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