Here at Thoughts on Liberty, we realize that, while the government gets a lot of things wrong, it isn’t precisely the enemy. We realize that the government can and does get a lot of things right sometimes, particularly when it comes to providing for women. For today’s roundtable, the TOL authors give an idea of just what the government is good at doing for women and for the world—and what we’d like to see it do more of.

Rachel Burger

Nice guys are everywhere, but the problem is that they’re hidden! They could be your neighbor, coworker, roommate, or even your best friend, but for whatever reason we women keep falling for douche bags. Without help, women everywhere could be forgoing a nice guy that’s wracked up uncashed lady points by paying for dinner, telling you you’re pretty, and even offering sex. These men are working hard, and it’s time for their hard work to finally be rewarded!

The government needs to impose a Nice Guy Subsidy. These guys are so important to the future of the United States (and they know it) that it would be a mistake to not reward them. For every “nice” task a “Nice Guy” completes, he gets a punch in an 8-punch card. Once he’s gotten all eight punches, a woman of his choosing will have to have sex with him. She might be squeemish about it at first, but after a night of the best sex of her life, regrets will be no where to be found. America, this will lead to marriage, children, and happiness. This is what’s best for America, for both sexes. Support the Nice Guy Subsidy today.

Erin Whiting

In 21st century America, the typical nuclear family has two working adults. Though women are enjoying more and more equality in the work force—thanks to equal pay laws and affirmative action— one glaring disparity still stands out: the beauty commute. When I get up in the morning, it can take me over 40 minutes to shower and do my hair, make up and find just the right outfit and shoes to wear, whereas my husband takes less than 10 minutes getting ready. This injustice is prevalent in many households, but there is a solution. Just as employers are legally required to pay most employees for disability or maternity leave, they should also be required to pay us for the time we spend getting ready for work. I should be able to bill my company for the hours I spend getting ready, since I wouldn’t go through the process if I weren’t going to the office. As long as women continue to blow dry their hair and apply their mascara without compensation, how can we deny the existence of a gender wage gap?

Aunt Merryweather

Universal childcare. The Merryweather family consists of two college-educated professionals who make a comfortable combined income. We understand that having children involves many challenges, but we shouldn’t have to compromise between our individual career aspirations, our yuppie lifestyle, and a fulfilling “work-life balance.” Compromise is for the suckers in flyover country. That said, full-time childcare in DC is expensive. Why should moving to the ‘burbs be our only option? We want to raise our children in a walkable urban neighborhood. (Although we’d eventually move there anyway because – let’s be real – DC’s school system blows). If Mr. Merryweather “leaned back” in his career to be a primary caretaker, it would stoke all kinds of masculine insecurities that men are just incapable of dealing with, and I’d probably respond by having an affair with some “alpha-male” from the office. And I certainly can’t “mommy-track” myself because that goes against my personal feminist philosophy. Hence, universal childcare is the only way to save the upper-middle-class’s aspirational model of the family.

Gina O’Neill-Santiago

Quarter-life crises can be wearisome. You get all blasé about being blasé. The ennui is interspersed with daydreams of flitting from job to job or uprooting yourself from one zip-code to another, every few months, because you relish the novelty of a new job or part of town.

I am worried about my fellow Millennial sisters. The panacea is to drop everything and find yourself. Go right for the apex and self-actualize. And I have an ingenious idea that would make this possible for every disgruntled, disenchanted, overwhelmed or underwhelmed, 20-something woman out there: a government subsidy for self-discovery. We shall call this A Woman’s Search for Everything government subsidy. Inspired by Eat, Pray, Love.

It is about time that we have subsidy for that. I do not know about you, but I feel all warm and fuzzy envisaging the day when young women can make their Maslowian dreams come true. I cannot think of a better use of our tax dollars than to help us all become Elizabeth Gilbert and get rid of those quarter-life crises once and for all.

Gina Luttrell

Kill all the sluts.

Crissy Brown

What could I possibly ask for, that the government isn’t already doing for me? well – maybe longer maternity leave would be nice…those babies aren’t going to make and raise themselves you know. But in all seriousness, I am pretty happy with the government’s role in my life. But this is America, land of “we” can always do more,” so I think it is high time we see the government intervene a little more into our sex lives by helping us be the best us we can be. For this reason, I think its high time for a Department of Thigh Fat (DTF) that exists with the purpose of regulating our food intake, so that we may remain sexually desirable. After all, what good is federally mandated birth control if no one wants to help us use it?