1 THE ULTIMATE WASHINGTON ESTABLISHMENT APOCALYPSE

So what would the RNC and the DNC do with themselves in the event of a Trump-Sanders matchup? Neither man is really a member of his nominal party in the traditional sense, and if they both succeed in winning their nominations, they’d owe nothing to the big party infrastructures that usually make these things happen. Our best guess is that Beltway political fixers would do a lot of “grudging acceptance” and take a lot of long walks. Can’t wait to read the autopsies, though!

2 SO MUCH FOR THE YOUNG, FRESH ELECTION

Remember when we all thought this election was going to be Clinton vs. Rubio, and we wondered about how Clinton would contend with an old person’s concept of a young person? Well, Sanders is 74 and Trump is 69. We may as well have the debates in Atlantic City -- at least Bernie never went bankrupt there.

3 BLOOMBERG O'CLOCK MAY FINALLY BE HERE

Michael Bloomberg’s main hobby -- commissioning presidential test polls -- has continued well into his post-mayoral career. He’s likely hoping for a Donny/Bernie matchup, as it’s the only scenario that affords room in the race for a moderate, gun-grabbing, soda-hating, environmentalist billionaire. Now we just need candidates from the Bronx and Staten Island.

4 A REAL NEW YORK VALUES BATTLE

Boss Tweed vs. Bella Abzug? Emma Goldman vs. J.P. Morgan? One long Little Five Points Riot? The historical metaphors are going to come hot and heavy, and Graydon Carter is going to test a nation’s patience.

5 TRANSLATION SERVICES AVAILABLE FOR PEOPLE WEST OF THE HUDSON

Americans will never be bellowed at as loudly, or as off-puttingly colloquially, as they would in a Trump-Sanders tilt, with the two men pounding at each other with chatterbox plosives dripping with phleghmy goop. Please stand clear of the closing doors!

6 A NEW YORK STATE OF ENDORSEMENT

Prepare thyself for the inevitable Halperin-Heilemann star-banger sit-downs with New York City luminaries like Billy Joel, Gloria Steinem, Odell Beckham, Lorne Michaels and -- God help us all -- Derek Jeter. Here's the one question we really want answered, though: What do Bernie Madoff’s victims think about all this?

7 NOWHERE TO GO FOR WALL STREET

What are the Masters of the Universe going to do in a race that pits Sanders, a guy who contends that their “business model is fraud,” against Trump, who abjures the synthetic puff of hedge fund quants because it produces nothing upon which he can affix his name? The answer depends on whether Michael Bloomberg has changed his phone number.

8 SAUL STEINBERG BACK IN VOGUE

Really, what are all the nice Midwestern folks going to do in this race? Or the Southerners? Or the Left Coasters? Hey, don’t worry -- there’s a good chance actual New Yorkers won’t enjoy this, either.

9 NEW YORK MEDIA IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY

We’re not talking about the big media conglomerates whose masses huddle on Manhattan’s broad avenues. No, we’re itching to see a Village Voice that’s trying to revive itself get into a shooting war with The New York Observer, as run by Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner.