Dear ex-boyfriend,

I never thought I’d write you another letter, but Misa died in November and she was as much your dog as she was mine. Sometimes I thought maybe I should have left her with you, but I know that wouldn’t have worked out. I would have missed her too much and you didn’t want a dog anyway, but I felt guilty because she loved you. Maybe you wouldn’t have even missed her, but she’s not the only reason I’m writing you. I also wanted to apologize, but not to you. You don’t deserve an apology, and you certainly didn’t deserve any of the time I wasted with you. I remember when we were breaking up, you asked me the most important question you’d ever asked me. We were sitting at a table at Chili’s and you asked me what was so special about you. At the time I remember feeling sick to my stomach, as I pushed my plate away. I’ll probably never forget the look of disgust you shot me as I tried to name anything that made our relationship special. The only thing I was able to come up with was our mutual love of video games and movies. There was nothing about you that stood out, I could have been with anyone. It took time for me to realize that I didn’t like anything about you. I certainly didn’t like the way you made me feel. Being with you changed the way I view relationships. I was innocent when we were together. I was the sweet girl who still believed in soulmates. I think my naivety made me blind to how unhappy I was with you. I stayed with you, despite the fact you treated me poorly. I even excused your behavior as a result of your rough childhood. If I could go back, I’d end our relationship sooner. I’d end it before you had a chance to change me. I don’t trust myself because of you, or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I don’t trust myself to find a non-abusive partner because of you. So, why did you cross my mind today? Well, I remember you showing me a postcard we’d gotten from the vet. The picture on it was a Christmas picture of the staff. You pointed out each woman you thought looked better than me. You didn’t care that I was crying, and you certainly didn’t care that I was only eating once a day because of you. You wanted to make sure that I knew you thought I was ugly. I even believed that I was ugly for years after we broke up. You know who didn’t find me ugly? Men. Not all men, but there have been several men who’ve tried to get to know me since we ended things. I wanted to get to know some of these men, but I ended up pushing them away instead. I didn’t mean to push them away; it was something I couldn’t help. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it at the time, and I regret it. Most of all, I regret being the person you made me. Now I’m the type of girl who hurts people to protect herself, the type of girl who is closed off. Most of all, I’m the type of girl who will have to preface any relationship I get in with ‘my ex abused me, and I still have emotional scars from that.’ My apology is to the woman you’ve forced me to become. I’m sorry for the time I’ve wasted on you, and the impact I’ve allowed you to have on my life. I’m sorry for the ways in which you’ve changed me, because none of it was for the better. I’m sorry for the way I’ve allowed myself to treat other people because of you. I’m also sorry for the next person I care for enough to let in. I know that person won’t have it easy, because I won’t love as easily or be as carefree as I was with you.