SpeccieLeaks presents: Transcript of private meeting between President Trump and President Putin, 14 February 2017, Andreyevsky Hall, Grand Kremlin Palace

PUTIN: So how are you liking Russia?

TRUMP: Fabulous. Amazing. And this room — incredible. You have beautiful taste, my friend. Beautiful.

PUTIN: You like gold?

TRUMP: Very much. We used a tremendous amount of gold in the Trump Tower.

PUTIN: Yes, it’s something. Truly. I have seen it on television.

TRUMP: Those chandeliers there. How much were those?

PUTIN: Well, I don’t know. But I will have this information provided to you.

TRUMP: That would be great. We just opened a new hotel in DC, right next to the White House? It’s got these high ceilings? A couple of these babies would look amazing. When we start doing the state visits, with the heads of state, the delegations, dignitaries et cetera, they’re going to want to stay there. It’s perfect, right? They can walk to the White House. We’re going to give them special rates. When you come, which I hope will be very soon, we’ll give you an amazing rate. You’ll be very, very happy, I guarantee.

PUTIN: This is most generous.

TRUMP: Generosity is one of my better qualities. All my qualities are great, but the generosity is like, through the roof. That’s with my friends. With my enemies? Honestly, you do not want to be my enemy. Those shit-for-brains — hey pal, Mr Translator. Yeah, you. Don’t translate that. What I’m expressing to President Putin here is that those morons who sued me over Trump University? Let’s just say these people are very, very lucky that I won the election. Why? Because if I’d lost? If I had lost, I would be coming at them with everything I have. And I have a huge amount of basically everything. Lawyers, money, balls, you name it, I have it. Trust me, you do not want to get in a fight with me. Because you will end up in Loser-ville. I’m told you have a Loserville here in Russia? The Gulag Atoll or something? Whatever. Is that still going? I hope so. It’s best to put all the losers together, out of sight. In the end, they’re happier.

PUTIN: Why did you not put Mrs Clinton in prison, as you said during the campaign?

TRUMP: I know. I know. I’m getting a huge amount of flak for that from my supporters, who love me very much. My alt-righters are not happy about it. My white guys who couldn’t afford to go to Trump University, which I will tell you is a fabulous institution, never mind all this bellyaching about it. They’re not happy. My Second Amendment guys, the gun guys? They’re very not-happy. And you don’t want them unhappy, trust me. They’re better armed than our military. But I’ve got a surprise for them. Which is going to make them all very happy. I — just between us?

PUTIN: I can keep a secret. I was trained by KGB, you know.

TRUMP: I did not know that. I love KFC. Their extra crispy tenders? I can eat a jumbo bucket of those at a sitting. But between us? I’m going to lock up the daughter. Chelsea.

PUTIN: Yes, that will be a surprise. What reason will you give?

TRUMP: Rudy’s working on it. He’ll come up with something. She said some very nasty things during the campaign. Trust me — orange is going to be Chelsea Clinton’s new black. And orange is maybe my favourite colour. It’s going to look very good on her.

PUTIN: Won’t your media make trouble about this?

TRUMP: One of the things I admire about you is how you deal with your media. I would give one of my testicles, which by the way are very large, very large, to deal with my media like you do yours. The lies they tell about me? Disgusting. These are disgusting, subhuman individuals. Honestly, I’m not even sure they qualify as subhuman. They’re like bacteria.

PUTIN: Our media are more respectful.

TRUMP: Maybe you could lend me your press secretary for five minutes. So he could set a few new rules for the White House press corps? Who, by the way, are total scumbags. If I walked on them, which believe me I would love to do, with golf shoes, the ones with little spikes? — I wouldn’t even bother to scrape them off.

PUTIN: Shall we take this opportunity to talk about Nato?

TRUMP: Nato. Why not? Absolutely. Shoot.

PUTIN: What you said during the campaign about this so-called defence organisation, it was refreshing.

TRUMP: My view? It’s very simple. The free lunch is over, my European friends. These people are deadbeats. Why should we pay for their military? What do they even need a military for? When was the last time someone invaded Europe? You tell me — is Russia going to invade Europe? I don’t think so. Am I wrong? I never am. But you tell me.

PUTIN: [Pause] No.

TRUMP: There. Done. This is so not complicated. The Koreans, by the way? They’re even worse. They can’t even make cellphones and washing machines that don’t blow up. Lo-sers. How long have we had troops over there? Since, what, the 1920s? Maybe instead of an unmilitarised zone, we should have put up a wall. Did anyone think of that? No. If we had put up a wall, would we be in this situation today? I don’t think so. Again, this is not rocket science.

PUTIN: You are very perceptive.

TRUMP: Thank you. And you’re a very nice person, Dmitri.

PUTIN: Vladimir.

TRUMP: I knew that. Jet lag. But I’m telling you — you are a fabulous person. And I’m not saying that because you called me a ‘genius’ and ‘hugely talented’. Which I am. Still. And I never bought into that crap she was peddling, that you were hacking into her emails. Come on! I think Russia, which is a great country, an amazing country, has better things to do than read 650,000 emails and look at that putz Anthony Weiner’s crotch-shots. Disgusting. They’re disgusting people, all of them. They should all be in jail. Wearing orange.

PUTIN: Will you have some of this caviar? It’s very good.

TRUMP: Honestly? Caviar is not my absolute, favourite No. 1 food. Melania, my wife, who by the way is a huge admirer of yours, she smears it on our son Barron at night.

PUTIN: She is a very attractive woman, your wife. I compliment you. Why does she do this to your son? Does he misbehave?

TRUMP: No, no. It keeps you from getting zits. Pimples? Acne? I never had zits myself as a kid, which I attribute to excellent hygiene. I should tell you, Barron thinks you walk on water.

PUTIN: Yes?

TRUMP: Oh yeah. He’s your No. 1 fan. He’s got a poster of you in his bedroom. The one where you don’t have a shirt on and you’re holding the rifle like this, looking like you’re ready for bear. By the way, that’s a very flattering look for you. The bare chest and the gun. It wouldn’t work for me. I don’t have the right nipples. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with my nipples. I have very good nipples. Terrific nipples. They’re just not right in the Rambo context thing. So this caviar, which I’m sure is amazing, would this be lunch?

PUTIN: I have just eaten my lunch.

TRUMP: OK. No problem.

PUTIN: If you like, I will arrange for the bucket of the crispy tenders.

TRUMP: Extra crispy. That would be really great. You’re a terrific host.

PUTIN: I will give you some caviar to take home. For your wife to put on young Barron. A gift, from his Uncle Vlad.

TRUMP: He’ll be over the moon.