As the new Michael-Bay-produced TMNT film wafts across the nation, aging nerds everywhere have already lit funeral pyres for their childhoods at the sight of an auburn-haired April O'Neil adventuring alongside wisecracking reptile fetuses. Clearly, this movie encroaches upon the sanctity of the 1980s series and its many cherished storylines, such as the time Raphael left his girlfriend for dead in the middle of the ocean, or that episode where the Turtles eye-banged the shit out of April and stalked her at a party.

Okay, maybe the '80s cartoon was a little touched. At least we still have the comic books to nostalgically contain our innocence, right?

Image Comics

"Uh, no one hand him any coins."

Oh, right. Those were fucking terrifying too. In fact, pretty much everything about Ninja Turtles should be enough to make a grown man weep softly -- which is no doubt why the biggest offenders have to be the fans themselves who, as it turns out, have spent the past 30+ years creating an absolutely terrifying expanded Turtle universe. Behold: