Mr. Romney’s team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August.

—The Times

I.

AIDE: Governor, should we schedule some debate practice this afternoon?

ROMNEY: There you go again!

AIDE: Ha, yes, great! Let’s say the conference room at four?

ROMNEY: There you go again!

AIDE: Heh, yes, exactly. But I do think we should practice, at least a little.

ROMNEY: Where’s the beef?

AIDE: If I say it’s in the conference room, will you go there at four?

II.

ROMNEY: “Are you better off than you were four years ago?”

AIDE: No, no. “Are you better off than you were four years ago?”

ROMNEY: “Are you better off than you were four years ago?”

AIDE: No emphasis at all. Just, “Are you better off than you were four years ago?”

ROMNEY: “Are you better off than you were four years ago?”

AIDE: Just try saying it all at once with no emphasis.

ROMNEY: “Are you better off than you there you go again.”

AIDE: Colder.

III.

AIDE: Governor, did you want your lunch now or once we get on the plane?

ROMNEY: I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

AIDE: … My name is Brad.

IV.

AIDE: How are the zingers coming, sir?

ROMNEY: Last time, we heard about hope and change. This time, our only hope is a change!

AIDE: Excellent.

ROMNEY: Ten-thousand-dollar bet?

AIDE: Uh … remember what we said about that one, though.

ROMNEY: That wasn’t a zinger. That was a bet.

V.

ROMNEY: I have some ideas for more zingers. How about, “I hate being able to fire people!”

AIDE: Hmm … I like it, but I’m not quite sure if that’s right for the debate.

ROMNEY: No, you misheard me. “I hate being able to fire people.”

AIDE: No, I heard, but—

ROMNEY: O.K., here’s another. “You know what I just can’t get enough of? The forty-seven per cent of Americans who are blood-sucking victims. That’s the America I love.”

AIDE: Maybe we should stick to the list.

ROMNEY: What about, “I do care, grudgingly, about the very poor.”

AIDE: Let’s talk about this later.

ROMNEY: Then I sing “Grand Old Flag.”

VI.

AIDE: You wanted to see me, Governor?

ROMNEY: This President promised us the audacity of hope. Instead, we got the audacity of failed promises!

AIDE: I couldn’t agree more, sir. Now why did you want to see me?

ROMNEY: You’re fired.

Illustration by Tom Bachtell.