Published in 1875, The Lover’s Poetic Companion and Valentine Writer is a book intended for Victorian ladies and gentlemen “who wish to address those they love in suitable terms.” It contains a variety of Valentine verses, ranging from the sweet to the satirical. The book promises that these “Love Lyrics” are harmless and that even the more comical lines do not descend into vulgarity. But what these verses lack in vulgarity, they more than make up for in unkindness and—in some instances—outright cruelty.

Much of this unkindness is directed at those unfortunate would-be Valentines whom the Victorian lady or gentlemen must reject for some reason or another. For example, in the below Valentine, titled A Tinted Venus, a gentleman rejects a woman because of her penchant for wearing too much make-up.

A Tinted Venus I’m fond of paintings, and admire

A form divine and human,

But one thing I abominate,

And that’s a painted woman. When gazing on your tinted cheeks

I feel inclined to scoff,

If I should kiss them, or your lips,

I know they’d all come off. From Madame Rachel do attempt

Your notions to dissever,

That’s not the way, believe me, to

Be beautiful for ever. Don’t credit the advertisements

In paper or in serial,

You cannot manufacture charms

With ugly raw material.

The next Valentine is a touch harsher—and even more personal. In it, a woman rejects a potential suitor for being too tall and thin.

To a Tall Thin Person I’m fond of light in any shape,

But can’t perceive a cause

Why I should wed a lamp-post,

Or a pair of lantern jaws. When first your tall gaunt form I saw,

With face like any mourner,

I thought you were the shadow

Of some person round the corner. I don’t know that I like a mate

Particularly lumpy,

But then, you know, you scraggy ones

Are always cross and grumpy. If I am preying on your mind,

Dismiss, I pray, that matter;

The one I choose for life will be

At least a trifle fatter.

Unfortunately, an overweight Valentine was, in many cases, no more acceptable than a tall, thin one. In the below Valentine, titled To A Fat Person, a lady not only rejects her plump suitor, but also offers him some advice on shedding a few pounds.

To a Fat Person Whenever thy form I look upon,

My friend so stout and flabby,

I thank my stars I was not born

A ‘bus-man or a cabby. Since sure I am, were such my lot,

I should feel most unwilling

To take a pair of folks like you

For sixpence or a shilling. Do be persuaded, unctuous one—

Take something to get thinner;

Or, better still, don’t take so much

When you sit down to dinner. Your friends may term you “embonpoint,”

Or “stout”—that’s very fine:

You’re fat—uncommon—much too fat

To be my Valentine.

Spinsters were not exempt from Valentine’s Day rejection—at least, not insofar as The Lover’s Poetic Companion was concerned. In the following Valentine verses, addressed To a Cod-Eyed Spinster, a rather ungentlemanly gentleman issues a resounding rejection to a lovelorn old-maid.

To a Cod-Eyed Spinster The very last that I should take

To village church or minster,

For purposes connubial,

Would be a cod-eyed spinster. I’m fond of cod for dinner, ’tis

With me a favourite dish,

But shouldn’t like to own a wife

With eyes just like a fish. Time’s hourglass now is running low,

So be no longer jealous,

Make way for younger girls and cease

To hunt up us smart fellows. I’d sooner marry a giraffe,

Hedgehog or porcupine,

Than from the female sex select

A cod-eyed Valentine.

Some of the Valentine verses offered seem justifiably cutting. There are those directed at braggarts, drunkards, and hardened flirts. One of my own favorites is the one below, addressed To A Vain Individual.

To A Vain Individual Do give it up, ‘tis quite in vain

Each air and grace you try on;

Don’t lay this unction to your soul,

That you’re the British Lion. The lions of a breed like yours

Eat thistles, hay, and grass,

And for a roar they give a bray,

And that is all — al-as! I never like in my remarks

To venture on a strong key,

But you provoke me, lions’ skins

Do misbecome a donkey. So give up lionizing, and

Be simply asinine,

And then perhaps some female (l)ass

Will be your Valentine.

The above Valentine verses are only a few of the many contained within the pages of The Lover’s Poetic Companion. Though they’re mean-spirited, I can’t help but find them rather humorous. To the Victorian era person being rejected, however, these “Vinegar Valentines” would have been crushing indeed. If you have to reject the advances of a would-be Valentine this coming February 14th, I strongly encourage you to find a kinder method of doing so.

Sources

The Lover’s Poetic Companion and Valentine Writer. London: Ward, Lock, & Tyler, 1875.

On Sale Now

Praise for The Matrimonial Advertisement

“Matthews’ (The Pug Who Bit Napoleon, 2018, etc.) series opener is a guilty pleasure, brimming with beautiful people, damsels in distress, and an abundance of testosterone…It’s a well-written and engaging story that’s more than just a romance.” -Kirkus Reviews

“Matthews’ (The Viscount and the Vicar’s Daughter) has a knack for creating slow-building chemistry and an intriguing plot with a social history twist..” –Library Journal

“Ms. Matthews writes with elegance and precision…The author’s research is impeccable…She also makes excellent use of the remote coastal setting, creating a brooding atmosphere reminiscent of the gothic romances of the time with her evocative descriptions….” -All About Romance

“There’s no way this book could be anything but a historical and a mid Victorian one at that…The initial scary, isolated setting is haunting and leaves you ready to jump at what might come around the corner. The tension is palpable .” -Dear Author

“I absolutely loved every minute I spent with The Matrimonial Advertisement. Mimi Matthews is an exceptional story-teller..” -Passages to the Past

“Gothic Victorian story-telling at its best. This is how this genre is supposed to be written!…By far one of the best books I have read–ever!” -Chicks, Rogues and Scandals

© 2015-2019 Mimi Matthews

For exclusive information on upcoming book releases, giveaways, and other special treats, subscribe to Mimi’s newsletter THE PENNY NOT SO DREADFUL.

You can also connect with Mimi on Facebook and Twitter.