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Celebrities in video games, autistic movie screenings, being done with all my Christmas shopping, Epstein is the Challenger explosion for Zoomers, Sean liked Chaggot, a virgin wins the Virgin Contest, ThinkSpot is released, what to do in the event of a school shooting, CBD cookies, bisexual girls, Nickelodeon pedophiles, criminal nudity, vaping apps, backing into parking spots, feedback theft, how to be a Mexican Joker, and an impeachment of the show; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Christmas time is here! And that means presents for all the good and bad and greasy and nude-posting little Dick Show Patreonis and Premiomis out there. If you’re a Big Swinging Dick, I’ll send you an email on Cyber Monday with all the details. I know it’s a bit early to be laying this kind of cocktease trip on you, but I’m just so goddamn excited about it, I can’t control myself. And now that all my Christmas shopping is done, there’s nothing to do but sit back and relax and see what my girlfriend buys for my family. What a wonderful season of traditions built around alcoholics. But first…

Women and children, please do not read this write up. Why? Because there’s a penis at the end of this write-up. And if you see it, both you and society will be destroyed.

Don’t believe me? Just keep reading then. Tell yourself there isn’t a penis at the end of this write-up even though I have explicitly told you flat out and with no hint of irony that there is, and that you would do well to stay away from it. Tell yourself I’m making some sort of anti-joke with no climax or, even worse, some kind of meta statement about the nature of compulsion and obscenity and the illusion of control and that even though I’m saying the exact opposite–that there is in fact, 100% a penis at the end of this write-up–that there actually isn’t. Go ahead and bet our entire society on it. Because that’s what you’re doing.

Oh, you don’t care about that? Okay. I tried to play it nice, but this is too important. Women and children, I have to tell you now in the harshest possible terms to leave immediately. Get out of here. Git! Close this window and go back to whatever you were doing before you stumbled upon this page; watching Disney+ or talking about Disney+ or doing both at the same time. I don’t care what it was, just get out. Because if you don’t, if you stay here and keep reading, you will see the penis, and then all hell is going to break loose.

I’m talking intense psychological trauma that can never be cured. Seeing this penis, which is a doozy, will open a door in your mind like Pandora’s Box, from whence unspeakable depravity and degeneracy and ideas and impulses and feelings that you cannot even now fathom, will rush forth like a great deluge until the day you die. Addiction. Failure. Hedonism. Dancing. You will exist in a limbo of trauma and wonder and anxiety on a razor’s edge of power and licentious intensity, with no philosophy, and you will be destroyed by it. And then, we will all be destroyed by it. All because you had to look at a penis. How does that feel?

Good!? Okay. I see what happened. I just realized that by explaining the awesome destructive power and life-changing experience of seeing the penis at the end of this write up, I might have intrigued you. Because you’re stupid and you can’t understand these complicated concepts I’m talking about. I get it. I didn’t mean to titillate your under-developed brain. That’s why you need to just trust me, stop reading, and leave. Don’t look at the penis. Don’t talk about the penis. And definitely don’t try to visualize the penis at the end of this article, which you might be doing now.

Shit.

I said don’t try to imagine the penis. Because now you’re going to imagine hundreds of penises thinking that each one might be the one at the end of this article and I can promise you it isn’t. You have as much chance of imagining the penis at the end of this article as you do of imagining my penis! And that’s impossible.

BUT DON’T DO THAT! Definitely don’t try to imagine my penis. Just stop imagining penises and leave. Please, you’re traumatizing me.

Whew. Okay, now that you’re gone–oh fuck, you’re still reading! Shit, don’t read that “fuck”. You can’t handle it. You might think I mean “fuck” in a sexual way, and that would be much worse than even just seeing the penis. Look, when I said “fuck”, I didn’t mean it in the sexual way at all. Okay? And frankly, women shouldn’t be thinking like that about sex anyway, and children shouldn’t even know what I’m talking about. And if you do, you must have had bad parents! Hah! Oh, what am I saying. Obviously, that’s not true. That’s never been true. This is all my fault. Let’s just both agree that I meant “fuck” as an expression of frustration, not in the way that implies gratuitously raw and graphic and sexual intercourse.

I changed the subject and now you’re still reading.

Fuck.

You know what? Fuck it. Maybe you actually want to see the penis at the end of this write-up. That’s the only reason I could think of why you’d keep reading. Maybe you want society to end. Maybe you hate America, just like ISIS, and you want to just look at the penis all day long. And think about the penis all day long. Well, go for it. I’m not going to stop you. It’s not even that big of a deal really. It’s just a penis. I’ve got one. I see it every day. You might have one. Just go look at that one. There’s nothing that interesting about it, see? So it’s probably not even worth your time, right?

Dammit. That didn’t work. Okay, I’ll level with you. It’s a lie. It is a big deal. If you see this penis, penises will consume your every waking thought. Your penis, someone else’s penis, your friend’s penis, your dad’s penis, his dad’s penis, some penis that you used to know. What was Michaelangelo’s penis like? How big is a whale’s penis? How much money would it take for you fuck Mike Tyson? Do amoebas have a penis? Does the universe have a penis? Does God? It’s worth everything. But you can’t keep reading. It will be the downfall of society, and I can prove it to you on some graphs about degeneracy and immigration and sex partners before marriage if you just promise to stop reading for one minute while I look them up on Google. Okay? Will you promise me to just stop reading–I asked you nicely to please stop, PLEASE STOP READING–NO!!!

“Penis.”

I am so embarrassed.

“Calling You a Cuck is Hard to Do” by Pony Cordero.



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