OK, stop. Take your eyes of this page and look at yourself.

Back with me?

Now ask yourself this: are you in the best shape of your life? If the answer is “no,” than you’re probably not a professional baseball player. For this is the time of year that all professional baseball players are at their physical peaks. They are in better shape than when they were in high school or college, better than when they played AA, and certainly better shape than they were last year.

Or so we might believe based on the reports we’ll read in the run-up to Spring Training. In fact, we already have a few in the books for 2015, including one about Jhoulys Chacin!

Now I’m not saying this bit about Chcain is untrue. Actually, I think I believe this one. Chacin – having butted heads with the organization on this issue in the past, coming off injury, and entering a contract year – should certainly have had plenty of motivation to get his body right this past offseason. You’ll forgive me, however, for disbelieving the likes of Russell Martin.

In any event, in the honor of “Best Shape of His Life” Month in Major League Baseball, I decided to dive headlong into the soft underbelly of MLB height and weight data to see just where the Rockies stack up (and out) compared to each other and the rest of the league.

This is a patently absurd exercise for at least two reasons:

1) Height and weight data is notoriously imprecise. This isn’t boxing. There really isn’t any objective need to ensure the accuracy of these numbers or to present true measurements to the public. In fact, for reasons both vain and strategic, some of these measures are made imprecise with intent. Moreover, at least with respect to weight, the numbers don’t age well. Apparently, C.C. Sabathia hasn’t gained a pound since 2004. Yeah, me neither, C.C. Me neither.

2) I calculated the Body Mass Index (BMI) of each player (based on Baseball Prospectus’ 2015 heights and weights), but this doesn’t actually tell us that much about them. BMI is a relatively simple function of height and weight, and attempts to measure obesity (higher number = more obese). It doesent account for variables like muscle mass or differences in build; based on standards applicable to the general population, most players would qualify as “overweight,” but of course most of them are not. Muscle weighs more than fat, and elite athletes tend to have different builds than the rest of us. Michael McKenry and I might be the same height (5’10”), but I wouldn’t wear 205 pounds half as well as he does. Truth be told – and related to Reason #1 above – based on my recollection from interviewing him last year, I’d wager he’s both shorter and heavier than his official measures. And that means nothing; as his nicknames (“Fort McKenry,” and the even more awesome “Quadzilla”) imply: the dude is indisputably well built. Yet his BMI suggests he’s the third “fattest” Rockie on the roster. This is ludicrous.

Rockies Zingers Editor Richard Bergstrom reached out to ex-Rockie and current ROOT Sports broadcaster Ryan Spilborghs to get his take on BMI and whether or not players care about it. Spilly’s response: “Yes and no. It depends on if they know their optimal health and if keeping a certain level helps performance. Otherwise, It’s just vanity.”

With all that being said, the guys at the very top and bottom of the league-wide BMI rankings are exactly who you’d expect to see there. The top three, in order, are:

Bartolo Colon (39.75),

(39.75), Prince Fielder (38.35), and

(38.35), and somebody named “Jumbo” Diaz (38.34)

Noted round-guy Pablo Sandoval, by the way, is 7th (34.17) out of the 1084 players who met my criteria. On the svelte end on the spectrum, you’ll find players like Chris Sale (20.80) slotted in as the 5th thinnest, and Billy Hamilton (21.70) at #8. The lowest BMI (19.79) belongs to Milwaukie’s Luis Sardinas, who is the lightest player in the league (at 150 lbs, alongside Dilson Herrera and Alexi Amarista), but who also happens to be 6’1”. In general, notwithstanding a few obvious errors in the “official” data, the ordering makes sense. And while BMI is an extremely limited tool to assess athletes (and, really, for everyone else, too), using it only to compare baseball players only to each other makes it at least a little less ridiculous.

Most importantly, however, if you keep in mind this is really just for laughs, we’ll be fine. There are academic studies out there that attempt to tackle this subject more seriously, if you’re interested. I am not that serious.

Before we get into the individual Rockies players, let’s establish some context and see where the Rockies fit in as a team. The league-wide BMI (amongst players projected to receive MLB playing time in 2015 by Baseball Prospectus’ PECOTA forecast) is 26.97. That’s higher than it’s ever been. Both height and weight have climbed steadily upwards year-to-year – not surprising, since our species tends to do that in general – but weight has outpaced height amongst ballplayers, especially lately. You might have some guesses as to why. I’m just going to go ahead and move along.

Positionally, BMIs line up exactly as you’d expect them to. Catchers and first basemen are the most rotund; shortstops and center fielders are the most reed-like. Slightly more interesting to me is the degree of BMI variety within each position. BMI deviation is highest amongst first basemen and pitchers. This makes sense when you think about it; pitchers can be almost any size and still be effective, and first base is where teams tend to hide their least athletic guys, which would put pressure on the upper extreme. (Note: DH’s are assigned a most-likely field position in the PECOTA spreadsheet from which I pulled the data, and that position is usually 1B.) Second and third basemen also seem to come in a variety of shapes. On the other end of that spectrum is one position I’d expect to see (center field), but another that I would not (right field). Turns out right fielders are the most typecast body shapes in the league. Huh. Here’s the full rack-up of both lists.

Pos BMI Height (in) Height (ft) Weight (lbs) C 28.80 72.57 6′ 1″ 215.56 1B 28.70 74.76 6′ 3″ 228.21 LF 27.40 72.87 6′ 1″ 207.10 3B 27.28 73.27 6′ 1″ 208.17 RF 26.86 73.64 6′ 2″ 207.27 P 26.67 74.57 6′ 3″ 211.04 2B 26.38 71.68 6′ 0″ 192.71 CF 26.14 72.52 6′ 1″ 195.60 SS 25.79 71.82 6′ 0″ 189.29 Pos BMI – Stand. Dev. Height (in) Height (ft) Weight (lbs) 1B 2.28 74.76 6′ 3″ 228.21 P 2.28 74.57 6′ 3″ 211.04 3B 2.21 73.27 6′ 1″ 208.17 2B 2.17 71.68 6′ 0″ 192.71 C 2.05 72.57 6′ 1″ 215.56 LF 2.02 72.87 6′ 1″ 207.10 SS 1.96 71.82 6′ 0″ 189.29 CF 1.84 72.52 6′ 1″ 195.60 RF 1.74 73.64 6′ 2″ 207.27

Anyway, accounting for all positional body types, where does the Rockies’ collective girth fit in alongside the rest of MLB? With a Team BMI of 26.53, we have the 4th most slender team in the league! Here’s the full list, sorted by BMI, but with heights and weights listed, as well:

Team BMI Height (in) Height (ft) Weight (lbs) CIN 27.93 73.06 6′ 1″ 212.21 HOU 27.54 73.79 6′ 2″ 213.42 WAS 27.41 74.29 6′ 2″ 214.85 MIA 27.40 74.03 6′ 2″ 213.79 DET 27.33 74.00 6′ 2″ 212.94 TOR 27.24 72.89 6′ 1″ 205.97 CHA 27.21 73.63 6′ 2″ 209.87 MIL 27.19 73.62 6′ 2″ 209.62 SEA 27.18 74.03 6′ 2″ 211.71 LAN 27.13 73.76 6′ 2″ 209.87 NYN 27.09 74.03 6′ 2″ 211.11 TEX 27.03 73.97 6′ 2″ 210.42 SLN 27.00 73.97 6′ 2″ 210.44 League 26.97 73.79 6′ 2″ 208.91 PHI 26.97 74.26 6′ 2″ 211.87 PIT 26.96 74.11 6′ 2″ 210.86 MIN 26.96 74.08 6′ 2″ 210.51 NYA 26.94 74.55 6′ 3″ 213.29 ATL 26.94 73.65 6′ 2″ 207.81 ARI 26.90 73.58 6′ 2″ 207.36 ANA 26.90 73.17 6′ 1″ 204.86 SFN 26.81 73.69 6′ 2″ 207.29 BOS 26.76 73.16 6′ 1″ 203.58 CLE 26.76 73.12 6′ 1″ 203.64 SDN 26.62 73.70 6′ 2″ 205.81 OAK 26.58 73.83 6′ 2″ 206.11 KCA 26.56 73.37 6′ 1″ 203.55 COL 26.53 74.25 6′ 2″ 207.88 CHN 26.43 74.08 6′ 2″ 206.39 TBA 26.41 73.62 6′ 2″ 203.68 BAL 26.38 74.27 6′ 2″ 206.97

Billy Hamilton certainly can’t carry the Reds all by himself! (Get it?) Besides the aforementioned Jumbo Diaz, the Reds also have Brayan Pena and Marlon Byrd in the league-wide Top 10 BMIs. For heaven’s sake: how do they all fit in that tiny ballpark of theirs?! (I’ll be here all week.) Although, to be fair, Cincinnati’s leading BMI has more to do with the Reds being particularly short (2nd shortest in the league after Toronto), than heavy (Washington is the heaviest, Cincinnati comes in at #6 on that scale). Along those lines, our Rockies are actually of roughly league-average weight; we just happen to have the 5th tallest players in the sport.

Here’s the rundown on all Rockies. Let’s see if we identify the folks most in need of a good “best shape of his life” press piece.

Name Pos BMI League Rank (BMI) Height Weight Wilin Rosario C 30.68 56 5′ 11″ 220 Tommy Kahnle P 30.34 71 6′ 1″ 230 Michael McKenry C 29.41 134 5′ 10″ 205 Carlos Gonzalez LF 29.02 184 6′ 1″ 220 Jonathan Gray P 28.60 225 6′ 4″ 235 Rex Brothers P 28.48 238 6′ 0″ 210 Jorge De La Rosa P 28.36 261 6′ 1″ 215 Jorge Rondon P 28.36 262 6′ 1″ 215 Kyle Parker 1B 27.80 373 6′ 0″ 205 Adam Ottavino P 27.27 455 6′ 5″ 230 Daniel Descalso 2B 27.26 470 5′ 10″ 190 Charlie Culberson SS 27.12 497 6′ 0″ 200 Corey Dickerson RF 27.04 513 6′ 1″ 205 League 26.97 6′ 2″ 208.91 David Hale P 26.96 536 6′ 2″ 210 Brandon Barnes CF 26.96 544 6′ 2″ 210 Jhoulys Chacin P 26.87 546 6′ 3″ 215 Troy Tulowitzki SS 26.87 561 6′ 3″ 215 Justin Morneau 1B 26.78 580 6′ 4″ 220 Rockies 26.53 6′ 2″ 207.88 Chad Bettis P 26.38 636 6′ 1″ 200 Nick Hundley C 26.38 646 6′ 1″ 200 Nolan Arenado 3B 26.32 664 6′ 2″ 205 Kyle Kendrick P 26.25 685 6′ 3″ 210 Tyler Matzek P 26.25 686 6′ 3″ 210 Charlie Blackmon CF 26.25 689 6′ 3″ 210 Christian Friedrich P 26.17 703 6′ 4″ 215 Tyler Anderson P 26.17 704 6′ 4″ 215 Jordan Lyles P 26.17 708 6′ 4″ 215 LaTroy Hawkins P 26.09 714 6′ 5″ 220 John Axford P 26.09 715 6′ 5″ 220 Brooks Brown P 25.62 804 6′ 3″ 205 Boone Logan P 25.49 826 6′ 5″ 215 Rafael Ynoa 2B 25.09 857 6′ 0″ 185 Chris Rusin P 25.03 880 6′ 2″ 195 DJ LeMahieu 2B 24.95 911 6′ 4″ 205 Drew Stubbs CF 24.95 912 6′ 4″ 205 Ben Paulsen 1B 24.95 913 6′ 4″ 205 Christian Bergman P 23.75 1009 6′ 1″ 180 Yohan Flande P 23.11 1036 6′ 2″ 180 Eddie Butler P 23.11 1037 6′ 2″ 180 Kraig Sitton P 22.53 1056 6′ 5″ 190

My observations:

So there you have it. Absolutely no conclusions should be drawn from any of the “analysis” that’s transpired here, although you should feel free to use your knowledge of Tommy Kahle’s BMI to enhance your self-image and/or impress your coworkers. Later – probably sometime in the next couple of weeks – when you hear about how much stronger, faster, and handsomer Nolan Arenado has made himself over this last offseason, feel free to be duly inspired to get yourself in the best shape your life, as well. And whether that works or not, if you want to falsify your height and weight to the Powers Who Be, well that’s OK, too.