This is a strange moment for you, New American Soccer Fan. You were sufficiently hooked by the drama and spectacle and churning thighs of this World Cup, which you kept watching even after the U.S. was eliminated. In the time since, there's been lots of penalty drama, and whatever we're calling that Brazil-Germany game, and now here we are, waiting on what we hope won't be a stinker of a final. But you're still here, and that's good.

But after the final, after Sunday: What do you do then?

There is, you're told, more soccer between now and 2018. You've heard things about "cups" — the Gold Cup and Confederations Cup, most likely — in which the U.S. will feature, and of course qualifying for the next World Cup starts sooner than you would've guessed. But these things seem random and haphazardly scheduled and generally confusing to follow. (You're right; they are.) You'd like to stay invested. But you need something more. Something to grasp.

You need a team of your own.

Like most things, soccer is much more fun—and awful, and heartbreaking, but mostly fun!—if you've got a rooting interest. With Major League Soccer at midseason, the top European leagues kicking off in just over a month, and another World Cup set for next summer (more on that below), there's no better time to turn your newfound interest into a life-long commitment to a team.

Here, our helpful guide to making what might be the most important choice of your entire life, no exceptions. Don't screw it up.

I've very recently learned about this charming artisanal food movement and am thinking of growing a beard. I should follow: Borussia Dortmund. Serious soccer hipsters—a very real subculture, sorry—have already moved on from their love affair with the scrappy German club. But it sounds like you're a late adopter, and a minute or two on YouTube watching the throbbing "Yellow Wall" of humanity at the club's Westfalenstadion should be more than enough to get you hooked.

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I think Tim Howard is awesome and would like to continue rooting for him. I should choose: Everton. The bearded hero of the Americans' eventual capitulation to Belgium, Howard has been the English club's man in net since 2007. He's a fan favorite—it's not unusual to hear a "U-S-A!" chant at home matches in his honor—and he recently signed a contract extension that will likely keep him with the team until retirement.

The thing where people get drunk and sing together is awesome and honestly I'm not even sure I need to watch the game. I should follow: Detroit City FC. The Northern Guard, a supporters' group for this fourth-tier team that plays its matches in a high school stadium, boasts that "Detroit City Football Club is our passion, not our placeholder—everyone else is shit." We bet they'd be happy to have you.

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I'm a New York Yankees fan, and my first car was a red Chevy Vega. I should follow: Manchester United. The Yankees of English football struggled last season following the retirement of longtime manager Alex Ferguson, but they're back this season with new coach Louis van Gaal (fresh off leading Holland to the World Cup semis) and a new sponsor, Chevrolet, whose logo is really prominent on their shirt.

I believe the Atlas Shrugged movie is the most important film ever made. I should follow: AS Monaco. They play in the top French league, but since they're based in the tiny, absurdist tax haven of Monaco—and because they're owned by a Russian oligarch wealthy enough to afford his recent $4.5 billion divorce settlement—they can afford to buy pretty much whomever they want. As such, they win despite playing on top of a parking garage and drawing like 300 fans to home matches. So you'll have no trouble finding a place to sit, you soulless bastard.

Moral victories are fine, I guess, but I'd really like to root for a team that almost always wins. I should follow: Real Madrid. They almost always win.

So there were a couple of guys I noticed during the World Cup who actually do not play for America? Like, that Messi guy? And Neymar, with the hair and the broken back? And what's his name, the biter? That guy's crazy! I should follow: Barcelona. Messi, the diminutive Argentinian wizard and arguably the world's best player, has spent his career there, while 22-year-old Brazilian star Neymar joined Barca last year. As for Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan with the taste for clutch goals and human flesh is expected to sign with Barcelona any day now. When they're all healthy—and in between Suarez's inevitable suspensions, of course—it should be the most terrifying attacking trio on the planet.

I am a 10-year-old boy. I should follow: Orlando City, a minor-league team that will join MLS as an expansion squad next year. Why Orlando City? Because the club recently signed the aging Brazilian star Kaka… Right. Seven or eight years ago—yes, I get why it's funny—some thought he was the best player in the world. Now, he joins the ranks of global legends—okay, stop giggling—coming to MLS at the tail end of their careers. Alright, seriously. Stop. Runner-up: Philadelphia Union of MLS, whose shirt sponsor is the Mexican processed food conglomerate… Bimbo.

Plus, Orlando City's logo? A three-headed lion.

I watched a few World Cup games and I still don't think I like soccer, but America is pretty rad. I should follow: The U.S. women's national team. The 2015 FIFA World Cup kicks off next June in Canada, and the Americans will once again be among the favorites. If you can still remember the words to that "I believe…" chant, that would be a great time to break them out.

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