THE police have apologised to anyone who thought they still solve crimes.

Chief constable Norman Steele explained that the police stopped dealing with crime in 2005 in order to concentrate on Facebook disputes, student demonstrations and PR campaigns.

Steele said: “I apologise if some people didn’t realise, but we did announce it on our Facebook page, just under the competition to design a diversity mascot.

“On that note, I can report that Tatiana the Tolerant Tiger is proving very popular in primary schools.

“The problem is that criminals take up a disproportionate amount of police time. They’re always running away and getting a straight answer out of them is a bloody nightmare.

“So it makes more sense to concentrate our resources on areas where we can really make a difference, like tweeting about window locks or responsible drinking.”

Steele added that officers were further stretched by filming numerous reality shows for shitty Freeview channels: “Between Cops, Traffic Cops, Night Cops, Tough Cops, Horse Cops and Overweight But Surprisingly Agile Cops we’ve only got time left for a little bit of paperwork.

“The worst part about those shows is they make you jump over walls because it looks cool, which is something we would never do in real life as it is knackering and you could hurt your pelvis.”