My head is not entirely hollow yet but it feels like it’s full of dusty cobwebs and half-eaten flies and I’m sick of it. What should I do?

My 11-year-old daughter is getting brighter daily; she’s packing dollops of crispy data into her expanding noggin, learning algebra, Spanish, geology, Egyptian history… and I’m jealous… because… Me? I’m wondering where I parked the car, my organizing is a shambles and my concentration… focus… my attention… is… where was it? where am I?

Most of all, I’m BORED with my brain. My mind once erupted with many weird ideas before breakfast but now… creativity throws me a bone once a week and it’s usually derivative ‘cause when I check the “gift” out on Google I find 176,000 people got the prize before me.

I eat blueberries, salmon, and green stringent leaves, I cardio and read incomprehensible books, but still… I need a mental kick-in-the-cortex. My life-long relationship with my mind has become horribly predictable, I want exciting new flings with springy new axons, daring dendrites, and sassy transmitters that thrill me. I WANT SMART DRUGS! NOW!

Searching online for a pharmaceutical magus, I locate the Cognitive Enhancement Research Institute (CERI) in Menlo Park, founded and directed by Steven Wm. Fowkes, who’s been interviewed by Larry King and Dr. Dean Edell on the topic. There’s a telephone number. Why wait? I tap in the digits. Steven answers!

Presenting myself as a journalist, I extract wholly self-serving information. “Name ten smart drugs,” I beg him. “At least eight; I might need them all.”

Mr. Fowkes is a patient man, with a poignant back-story. “My grandfather was a mentor for me,” he tells me. “He took me on expeditions in the deserts, hunting Indian artifacts, he got me interested in astronomy, and he provided patient answers to all my questions.” Sadly, the kind sage developed Alzheimer’s disease and died in 1972. Motivated by this tragedy, Steven focused his studies on neurochemistry, dedicating his life to maximizing brain function and halting neurodegenerative diseases.

Steve answers, “Multi-vitamins, or B-complex vitamins with minerals, must be put at the top,” as he starts his list of the most essential smart drugs.

“Oh, really?” I reply, surprised by the banality of this entry. Multi-vitamins are so… easy. My family buys jumbo jars from Costco. I eat them when I remember, which is rarely. They’re so convenient I didn’t think they were special…

“They deserve more respect,” Steven asserts, intuiting my disappointment. “Multi-vitamins enhance foundational level influences, they provide ‘nuts and bolts’, building the infrastructure, the basic parts used throughout the brain.”

Praising their prowess, he relayed to me a stunningly “smart” story: when multi-vitamins were distributed to two separate groups of grade-school students, in California and England, the IQs of one-third of the students rose by 10 points! Admittedly, only the vitamin-depleted children got boosted; the kids who were already properly-nourished didn’t get any shrewder. But still, that’s an educator’s dream—a 3.3 point overall class IQ elevation! Plus, when this was utilized in juvenile correction facilities, fights decreased by 50% in 48 hours. The cost? 5-10 cents per child, per day—what a bargain.

“That’s great,” I admit jealously. “But… anything for me?

“Piracetam,” he continued. “Really changed my life, it benefits me on a daily level. It’s a nontoxic, left-brain, right-brain communicator that boosts activity in the corpus callosum, providing enhanced verbal and writing abilities.”

“Benefits… on a daily level?” I parroted, my skin turning chartreuse with envy.

“Yes,” Steven exulted. “Piracetam strengthens my writing, talking and editing skills. My verbal IQ is 20 points less than my spatial IQ… I had verbal deficits that were a weak spot in my talents, a glitch in my software, I used to hate the challenge of writing papers.”

“Writing papers is hard,” I groused, grinding my teeth. “It hurts my brain, but… it’s easy for you, now?”

“It’s been a blessing to discover Piracetam,” he enthused. “It helps me deliver speeches, as well. I once had horrible stage fright, but now, I feel relaxed and connected to my audiences. I strongly advise it for teachers, lecturers, writers. Also, children with Down’s syndrome benefit, due to their impaired corpus callosum development. Their verbal skills increase in about a week. And finally, I recommend it to all men, because our corpus callosum bundle is only half the size of women’s, and we can use their multi-tasking abilities.”

“More drugs,” I implored him. “More.”

“Hormone replacement therapy,” he answered, “if you need it. Many hormones—thyroid, testosterone, progesterone, cortisol—have potential influences on the brain. Thyroid problems are especially rampant in our society.”

“So, check that out with a doctor first,” I surmised.

“Hormone levels are routinely misdiagnosed by the medical profession,” Steven claimed. “My advice, really, is… I’m a firm believer in the Lab-Rats-R-Us approach—you need to measure your own brain with performance tests to determine where you’re at and if the smart drugs you’re taking are productive. There’s lots of software and games out there where you can do ‘self-care’ experiments. For example, Tetris. Or join a local Quantified Self meet-up group.”

My feeble concentration barely managed to jot this down because my immense self-absorption wasn’t interested in hormone levels (I think mine are fine). “Okay,” I urged him forward. “Another one?”

“Coconut oil,” he continued. “It’s amazingly beneficial for brain function. It flows right into mitochondria, turning on the fat-burning systems, the brain gets sharper and sharper, it reverse Alzheimer’s disease. I buy it in 50 pound containers and use it in cooking, baking, salad dressing, chocolate…”

“Excellent!” I gush, my mouth filling with slobber. “Thai soups, ice cream condiments, delicious…. but… what about coffee? Is that a smart drug? Since we’re talking about ordinary stuff… what about red wine, and marijuana?”

“Caffeine has two drawbacks,” Steven cautioned me. “It interferes with DNA repair and it sabotages sleep architecture. And, my experience with marijuana is that it’s a ‘dumb drug,’ and with alcohol I’m smarter for only, maybe, 30 minutes.”

“Okay,” I retreat, “you tell me some more.”

“Deprenyl, also called Selegiline,” Steven continued. “It improves drive, assertiveness and motivational tone. It also has anti-aging side effects; it restores the neuroendocrine system and increases sex drive, giving it across-the-board appeal to the male psyche. Middle-aged-and-older men rave about it. Its approved by the FDA and can be imported from overseas for about $85/month.”

“Noted,” I say, marveling that a pharmaceutical could make a man both wise and “woody” at the same time. “Any others? What’s that stuff college kids are using nowadays?”

“Modafinil,” he replied “That’s by prescription only. The French military used modafinil with their airforce pilots, with excellent results. Modafinil can be useful for students or people with ADHD. It stimulates alertness.”

“I love this!” I interrupt. “I’m going to buy them all, right away. Any more?”

“NADH,” Steven suggested. “Also known as coenzyme 1. Not everybody needs it, but all energy is derived from it. It affects brain-energy systems in people with Parkinson’s disease.”

“Do you recommend Geeko Blob?” I ask.

“Gingko biloba,” Steven corrects me. “I like it, I have used it, people show improvement on it. For some people, butanol could also be considered a ‘smart drug.’ And nicotine gum—or the patch—may be a Parkinson’s preventative. But there’s something we haven’t mentioned yet…”

“What?” I demanded. My pen poised. My ears twitching.

“Sleeping,” he proposed, “is vastly under-rated. Without sufficient sleep, our cognition suffers.”

“I agree,” I said. “I don’t do enough of that. Can you recommend some sleep aids for me?”

“Xyrem,” he complied. “Even using it only once a week can be beneficial, particularly for the elderly who have difficulties getting into stage-3 and stage-4 sleep. But it’s absolutely prescription only. For over-the-counter options, try liposomal melatonin, from ReadiSorb, it’s a spray. And my current favorite, try a before-bed glass or warm water or hot tea with 200 mg of tryptophan dissolved with 2 tsp of hydrolyzed collagen protein powder. Those are both easily ordered online.”

“You’ve been a huge help, Steven,” I thanked him. “Both for me, and for my IEET readers. I really am writing about this. I’m not being totally selfish.”

I bid adieu to the benevolent brain-man and promptly ordered five of his recommended elixirs. I’m high on Piracetam right now, typing up this last sentence…