The Christian activist group ‘One Million Moms’ who, as of this writing have 3,649 followers on Twitter, are taking the makers of Kit Kat to task for their new ad because Missy Elliott reminds them of penises.

In case you didn’t notice, I filed this one under the category ‘Previously Unsaid Sentences’ because this is a conglomeration of things that I never imagined possible.

What a time to be alive.

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The less-than-4000-strong activist group posted about this Kit Kat ad on their website yesterday. It’s only 15 seconds long, so give it a watch, and let me know when you catch the reference to dicks (uhhh… I mean “male genitalia”) in it.

All 3600ish moms were pretty upset about it, as they explained on their website:

KIT KAT has launched a tasteless marketing campaign full of sexual innuendos. The inappropriate song playing in this commercial is called “Work It” by artist Missy Elliott and has no place in a candy bar commercial. This song is about sex, and the lyrics are extremely offensive. The song includes a word for male genitalia that is bleeped out by an elephant trumpet: “If ya got a big (phrrrrr), let me search it.” Everyone knows children repeat what they hear. The focus of the commercial is the sexual message and not the product itself. The advertisement shows an unwrapped candy bar and briefly includes their logo at the end, but not once is KIT KAT audibly mentioned during their irresponsible commercial.

THE HORROR!

This made me feel tickled all over. I literally got excited goosebumps thinking about these people getting upset over a goddamn candy bar commercial.

Here’s how I imagined it went down, and why I got so excited thinking about it:

First, one of them had to see the ad. Then they watched it again. And a few more times just to be sure they heard the offending elephant noise (which, for the record, is the unedited version of the original song). But then they had to look up the song. And they read through the lyrics:

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

If you got a big, let me search ya

And find out how hard I gotta work ya

Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup

These uppity moms with too much free time on their hands read through the full lyrics and probably listened to the original Missy Elliott song and the fact that I know this has to be true is what makes me feel so tickled.

Call before you come, I need to shave my chocha

You do or you don’t or you will or won’t ya?

Go downtown and eat it like a vulture

See my hips and my tips, don’t ya?

See my ass and my lips, don’t ya?

Lost a few pounds and my waist for ya

This the kinda beat that go ra-ta-ta

Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah

Work it, I need a glass of water

Boy, oh boy, it’s good to know ya

I really don’t think she understands how vultures consume food, because if she did, she wouldn’t encourage her partner to eat her freshly shaved chocha like a scavenger bird.

I don’t look at this scene of a turkey vulture eating a dead armadillo and think “oh wow I’m really turned on right now,” but I do sincerely hope she got that glass of water she needed.

The fact that they chose to focus on the “bleep” that wasn’t actually bleeped is hilarious. She’s actively describing a sexual act, and these people are upset that someone, somewhere might have said “penis”.

Also, is there anything more embarrassing about referring to your organization as a million people when you don’t even have half of half of half of half of half of half of half of a million members in it?

I think people don’t realize that Twitter and Facebook don’t just hand out followers like candy – after all, I’ve been at this for just over four years now and only this month hit a million followers myself. And yet groups like “Millions Against Monsanto”, who are literal shills for the organic industry, can’t even hit a million.

(I’ll have a chat later with my 9 friends who follow them. You know who you are.)

Imagine how miserable life must be when you’re constantly looking for things to get upset about. Honestly, who has the time or energy to be this angry all the time?

As of this writing, their online petition (hosted on their own website) allegedly has just over 6100 signatures.

I find KIT KAT’s disgusting new “Reverse Break” commercial to be in poor taste. Everyone knows children repeat what they hear. KIT KAT using a song about sex to sell candy bars is irresponsible. Offensive ads cause parents to lose respect for a company, and complaints should not be taken lightly. I urge KIT KAT to put a stop to inappropriate marketing campaigns and cancel the “Reverse Break” ad immediately. I will not purchase any KIT KAT products until this commercial is pulled off the air and removed from your website.

Oh, okay. I’m sure the Kit Kat ad people are really upset over losing the business of… *checks notes* … uptight Christians with an endless amount of spare time. Heads will roll!

Meanwhile, I’m going to buy a Kit Kat or two the next time I’m at the grocery store.

h/t Friendly Atheist