I know why you clicked on this.

You’re just like I was. A frail, frightened lizard; lost, without a voice.

You think to yourself, “How can one lizard change the world?”

Looking around at a political system dominated by humans, feeling like there’s no way for you’re voice to be heard. Being discriminated against for your scales, big eyes, earholes, and superior cellular regeneration.

Do not fret, little lizard. The time has come.

I am here to bestow upon thee the bounteous joys of lizardtarianism, a political ideology developed for lizards, by lizards.

We lizards are a proud species. You don’t have to tell me; my father was a bearded dragon. While I was lucky enough not to inherit all of his arrogance, some of what we may call “conventional” lizard prejudice was passed down.

During my formative years, at home and at school, a distinctive anti-human bias was communicated to me from the elder lizards of the clan — something many of you can probably relate to. Needless to say, much of these fearful prejudices were internalized. I have only recently began to pull the nictitating membrane from over my eyes.

No matter what you may have heard, humans are not stupid. At least, not all of them. They do not lack basic morals and values; a lie made up during the War of Independence. They are not as “stubborn as an iguana in July,” as my grandpappy used to say. In spite of everything our elders have told us, they are more than just the monsters that cut down our homes to build theirs.

We all know that the current regime has taken a more open approach to dealing with the humans. Whereas previously leaders avoided them at all costs, now we have infiltrated their society at a level never before thought possible. Through the strategic placement of lizards as politicians, CEOs, and members of the mass media, our government has cultivated an almost cult-like constituency for lizardtarianism.

This resonance was found in the people of the United States of America, a young and large country whose citizens generally perceive their level of importance to be greater than an objective assessment would suggest.

While most “Americans” would not stand idle in the face of the impending lizard agenda, there exists a large subset of the population that could be persuaded into assisting with the transition to lizard rule. In our experience with this group of Americans, propaganda campaigns have yielded outstanding results.

The key characteristics of humans susceptible to anti-human, pro-lizard messages are:

An extreme desire for pursuing endeavors in the interest of the self. They understand that preying on the weak is part of the natural order, they just don’t know that they are the weak. All is fair in the name of self interest. For example, I ate my brother. This is a fact that would disgust most humans, but not our humans. Our humans get it. I was hungry. He was small. They understand. Evangelism. Oddly enough, they worship Jesus too. They just don’t know he was a lizard. Still, this works to our advantage. Fear. While humans do not fear the usual things like getting eaten or stepped on, they do have plenty to be afraid of. The threat of death is present daily for many, through average human tasks like driving, or eating mozzerrella cheese sticks alone. Our humans are ones who are the most fearful of other people. They most easily align themselves with anti-human, pro-lizard messages. Guns. Preferably lots of guns. The more guns the better, really. Those most predisposed to widespread gun ownership will be most supportive of our efforts to make guns as cheap and easily available as possible. Poor control of the english language. Our humans generally like to have others speak for them. This helps with the dissemination of pro-lizard, anti-human propaganda, mainly in the form of memes. It will also help ensure our talking points will be repeated frequently in personal conversations.

These attributes, combined with the desire for things like a single-payer healthcare system and a gradual elimination of all protections for the workforce, make for a section of the American populace that is able to be coaxed into leading the charge for lizards to enslave the entire human race.

An increase in gun violence and workplace accidents, combined with the rise in healthcare costs, will ensure that those who survive will incur enough debt to never be able to leave the labor force.

By focusing Americans on an individualistic ideal, we will be able to eschew suspicion from our enterprising conspiracy. Our people will refuse to see issues systemically, forever blaming the victim for circumstances outside of their control.

Once these few things have been done, it will simply be a matter of time before humans in all strata of society serve the the will of lizard overlords. And best of all, they will think they are in charge. The enslavement of the human race will be done primarily by humans, duped into believing they are acting in their own self interest.

This is the premise of lizardtarianism. We infiltrated American society in several capacities. We espoused these tenants to attract the support of actual humans, turning Americans on the fringe into unknowing proponents of the lizard agenda. Now it’s time to go mainstream.

A lizard has never been able to reach the highest level of power in the American government. The Presidency is a coveted position, requiring the support of at least half of the American populace. It is a daunting task, and one that cannot be taken on alone. We need people.

So, I ask you to go out and spread lizardtarianism as far as the eye can see. Only by convincing as many people as possible to support our basic principles will they elect a lizard. A lizard president will mark the success of lizardtarianism. Enslavement of the entire human race will be inevitable.

It is time for all of lizardom to rise to the challenge, to fulfill our destiny as the rightful rulers of the planet. Our cunning is unmatchable. Our wit, undeniable. Our camouflage, pretty fucking cool. There is no stopping us.

Blend in, vote lizardtarian.