PARC DES PRINCE

Despite Zlatan Ibrahimovic's recent assertion that the World Cup will be nothing to watch without Zlatan Ibrahimovic playing in it, Fifa has taken the controversial decision to press on with its summer jamboree in Brazil. One or two fans might tune in or even buy tickets for various matches, despite Zlatan's absence. In the meantime, the rest of us will have to just catch Zlatan where we can, starting tonight in Parc des Princes, where the big man will be hoping to put the hurt on the equally confident José Mourinho, when Paris Saint-Germain take on Chelsea in Big Cup.

The PSG striker had plenty to say about Mourinho in his coyly titled, self-effacing autobiography I Am Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Disappointingly, most of it was complimentary as he seems to hold his former boss at Inter in the highest regard. Zlatan admires Mourinho because "he's nice". Zlatan admires Mourinho because "he's a big star". Zlatan admires Mourinho because "he lights up a room". Zlatan admires Mourinho because "the guy says whatever he wants". Zlatan admires Mourinho because "he arouses feelings in people". Zlatan admires Mourinho because he's "a legendary manager". In short, Zlatan seems to like Mourinho because he's a lot like Zlatan, which in Zlatan's world is no bad thing. In fact, given the merciless whaling dished out to some of the other football luminaries mentioned regularly in Zlatan's coyly titled, self-effacing autobiography (hello Pep), you could go so far as to say that the only person on the planet who holds José Mourinho in higher regard than Zlatan is, unsurprisingly, one José Mourinho.

During a briefing with his publicists ahead of tonight's big game, Zlatan was laying it on thick again, modestly taking time out from talking about how great Zlatan is to point out that "Chelsea are the super favourites" and "a big team", unlike comparative footballing bumpkins PSG who "have a project which has been going on for two years", including a team that has been assembled by Qatari Sport Investment at a cost of around £300m.

Asked if he thought the absence of an English club from his CV was a glaring one that he might live to regret, the preposterously rich football icon who has won second-rate league titles with teams as obscure as Ajax, Juventus, Inter, Barcelona, Milan and PSG in some of world football's least known backwaters was not prepared to concede that he will inevitably spend his dotage rocking in an armchair and regretting his obvious lack of ambition. "I'm happy with my career choices," he said. "I have great respect for the Premier League, but I won't regret not having played in it at the end of my career." Presuming it was an English reporter who posed this query, the Fiver can't help but feel a more entertaining answer might have been forthcoming if Zlatan had been asked if he thought his ongoing absence from English football's top flight was something the Premier League might regret a lot more than Zlatan.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Barry Glendenning from 7.30pm for MBM coverage of PSG 1-1 Chelsea, while Paul Doyle will be on hand for Real Madrid 3-1 Borussia Dortmund.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Pep Guardiola, press conference, Old Trafford: "Look at me when I talk to you." Big Paper's Jamie Jackson: "Are you talking to me?" PG: "Yeah, look at me when I talk to you." BPJJ: "Yeah, OK, I am looking at you." PG: "Yeah!" BPJJ: "Are you looking at me?" PG: "Yeah." BPJJ: "It's like Taxi Driver this." PG: "No, but I'm talking to you, you don't look at me, so I am trying explain." BPJJ: "Calm down, calm down." PG: "I am trying to explain. I'm trying to explain [etc and so on]."

FIVER LETTERS

"It would appear your continued plug for Guardian soulmates is wasted, given Big Paper readers are now trying to find love through the comment section. When can we expect the first Fiver wedding?" – James Wallis.

"Can I be one of 1,057 German grammar pedants to point out the predictably incorrect use of German grammar in yesterday's Funfer? German articles for compound words (and there are many) are determined by the last word in the compound. With the German word for 'slipper' being 'Hausschuh', and schuh taking the masculine 'der', then Bayern would have arrived at Old Trafford wielding 'der big Slipper'. Mind you, United fans will have bigger worries ahead of the return leg next week, but at least they can now have the dignity of a grammatically correct shoeing this time. Small comforts, and all that" – Chris Mckee (and no other German grammar pedants).

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day is: James Wallis.

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BITS AND BOBS

In excellent news for lawyers, Barcelona are set to appeal after being handed a year-long transfer ban for breaching rules on the signings of underage overseas wondernippers.

Atlético Madrid say Diego Costa's hamstring is tweaked not twanged, despite earlier fears. The striker, who was forced off after 30 minutes of the 1-1 draw at Barça, may only be out for a week.

Bayern Munich's Arjen Robben wasn't all that impressed by Manchester United's defensive approach to their 1-1 Big Cup draw at Old Trafford. "The English were just playing on the counter," he sniffed. "It was almost like in handball."

David Cameron reckons Nike trying to charge fans £90 for an England shirt when they should be spending their wages on beer and bingo is "not right". "All fans would welcome a rethink," smirked the PM's spokesman.

Stuart Pearce, who did want the Forest job, then definitely didn't for personal reasons, now definitely might do. "I'm still chatting with them," he double-U-turned" [uh-oh – Fiver Ed]. "That will continue. It's a club very close to my heart."

Spurs chairman Daniel Levy says they could be in a new ground by 2017 as they look to fit in more disillusioned locals. "We cannot stress strongly enough," he stressed not quite strongly enough, "how critical the new stadium is over the long term."

One in four professional players suffer from depression or anxiety problems, according to a survey of 180 players in six countries by players' union FIFPro. Seven per cent of them smoke, and 19% reported "adverse alcohol behaviour".

And wrong-red-card-gaffe-ref Andre Marriner can make amends on the biggest stage of all after being handed the Hull v Sheffield United FA Cup semi-final.

STILL WANT MORE?

In our latest Breaking the Law feature, Paul Doyle tools himself up to take on the persecution of set-pieces.

Who was the first player to wear fluorescent boots and ruin All Football? The Knowledge has the answer.

The brilliant Thibaut Courtois shone again last night, but where does his future lie: at Chelsea, Atlético or somewhere else? Sid Lowe divulges.

Barney Ronay explains how David Moyes's simple tactic helped Manchester United keep up with Bayern.

Meet Marco Verratti, the player who keeps Yohan Cabaye on the PSG bench. Tom Williams has the lowdown on the Sport Network.

Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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