I thought Jeffrey Goldberg’s stories on his personal “resistance” to the new TSA dick-measuring machines were pretty funny, and they coincide with my own experiences that I mentioned a couple weeks ago on my flight to Orlando. I mentioned at the time that I had an infuriating run-in with security, and realize now that I forgot to tell you about it.

I actually wasn’t paying attention as I was funneled into the new body imaging device- I was already pissed off after the shuttle service drove me around the Pittsburgh airport for 45 minutes and then more agitated about taking my shoes off, and didn’t even notice that I was going into the new machines. Just as an aside, I can not tell you how much it pisses me off that because one simpleton tried to ignite his shoes, I have to ruin my socks at every god damned airport in the country for the rest of my adult life. But back to the story. Because I was busy fuming internally, I was in the machine before I realized what was going on (always my observant self), and the guy told me I had to raise my hands over my head. Quick problem- I can’t. So I told the guy. “Look, I can lift this arm this high, and I can lift this arm this high, but I had surgery on one and I have tendonitis and a probable rotator cuff tear and need to have surgery in the other, and I just can’t get them both over my head like that.” That pissed him off, and he told me to try, and I asked him “Why can’t I just go through the metal detector (which was no more than three feet to my left.)?” After a few moments, he waved me over to it, at which point three screaming TSA agents freaked the fuck out because I had backed out of the dick-scanning device. “What are you doing? Get back in there! Etc.”

“But the guy told me to come over here”

“What guy?”

“Him!”

After a few seconds of panic, they sent me through the machine, and I had to go through several times because something was setting it off, and we realized it was my belt. Then I got the pat down, which really didn’t bother me that much, and I have discovered that as they near your nuts if you loudly say “Oh baby that’s how I like it” they quickly move on to another area.

At any rate, the entire damned thing was ridiculous and offensive, and I can’t imagine the government really things it is making us any safer. My experience was not that big of a deal when compared to what some went through, but it is just pointless. It really is security theatre. Which makes me wonder. Who makes these machines? Who is profiting from this nonsense? Where is the money going?

And what is crazy is the TSA agents seem more afraid they are not following the rules correctly than they are of actual terrorists. It is all just a big game, a cruel joke on us by Bin Laden.

And btw- my sinus infection and the desire to just avoid flying altogether caused me to just say to hell with it and cancel my San Francisco trip. I don’t want to put up with the nonsense, and I didn’t think it made much sense to fly across the country to pay 200 dollars a night to drink alka seltzer cold medicine. Oh, well.

*** Update ***

And I see if I would read this blog, I would note that Mistermix already has pointed out the money angle. I suck. This whole post is pointless.