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AIR FORCE ONE — On his way back to the nation’s capital after delivering a long-winded, winding, often times unfocused speech to tout his infrastructure spending plan, President Donald Trump ordered the presidential plane to make an abrupt about face and head back to Ohio and the site of the rally he’d just held. As the plane landed, Trump was seen blasting out of Air Force One, not even stopping for a moment at the top of the stairs that frighten him so much.

“Outta my way! I have a crumbling infrastructure to rebuild,” Trump was heard shouting at everyone in his way.

Trump motioned to a Secret Service agent and a nearby airport golf cart. The two men commandeered the cart and headed over the rally site. Fortunately for Trump, there was a KFC on the way to the manufacturing plant, and he was able to refuel with a bucket of chicken and some mashed potatoes he slurped through a straw. When the pair arrived, there were only a dozen people still milling about the dais, but Trump gathered them all together anyway, and said he had something “bigly important” to show them regarding the new infrastructure plan.

“Is he going to rebuild infrastructure with Roseanne’s ratings,” one worker was overheard sarcastically asking another. During the speech, Trump had crowed about the initial ratings for the “Roseanne” revival on ABC. The titular character and the actress who plays her are both very vocal Trump supporters.

Trump couldn’t hear the man’s joke, so he kept on addressing the much smaller crowd.

“Hey, guys, I remembered something on the way back to D.C. Something I had forgotten to do during the speech, even after Stephen Miller reminded me,” Trump said. “This will only take about an hour of your time, but we simply cannot fix our infrastructure that Blacky McDemocratFace left us with without me doing this, in front of you guys, for an hour.”

Trump begin loosening his belt as he spoke.

“So a lot of the FAKE NEWS is reporting that my speech was just a big campaign rally and that I was mostly just inflating my own ego,” Trump said. “Surprisingly, they were all telling the truth for once. But that’s because Miller and I know that the only way to make America great again, and fix our infrastructure, is for me to talk about myself and pat myself on the back.”

The president started hiking his pants down.

“You see, if my ego is big enough, we can use it to prop up bridges and stuff. Imagine all the things you could build on my ego,” Trump mused. “Bigly things. Yoooge things.”

As Trump started to pull down his underpants, audible groans were heard, and someone was heard muttering, “Whaaaat the fuuuuuuuuuuck?” The president motioned for the Secret Service agent to come over and put down a large yoga mat with the presidential seal on it. Trump got down on the mat, lying on his back.

“Anyone can tell, then, that my speech was for the good of the country, not just myself. However, as it turns out, we ran the numbers and I actually can’t rebuild our infrastructure by only patting myself on the back for an hour. I have to suck my own dick, too,” Trump said. “Since I’m fresh out of $130,000 checks…here….we…go…!”

In an unrelated story, twelve people lost their eyesight suddenly at an Ohio construction company, and that story is developing.

James‘ satire is found here, and on Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, and The Pastiche Post.

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