

So recently I posted an item about our intern Iulia visiting Cleveland and spotting a sign in a Starbucks saying you can’t bring a gun into the coffee shop. See the original item here. Well apparently this item pissed off some of the pro-gun people in Ohio and they all started posting comments on my blog explaining the new law that lets you carry a concealed weapon in Ohio and how if you lived here you’d know why you need a friggin gun and so forth and so on. I kinda sorta noticed that there were lots of comments rolling in about that item but frankly I wasn’t really paying attention.

Well now the gun nuts have sent me email putting me on notice that they are officially targeting my blog and using my comment strings to engage with the enemy. See their call to arms here where one of the gun nuts posts a link to my blog and encourages his fellow carriers to swarm my blog with comments. Money quote: “Recently Fake Steve took a potshot about guns signs in Cleveland. I attempted to set the record straight, but it appears that I may need some back up in the comments section to straighten out the misinformed.”

Jesus friggin Christ. What is it about these gun-toting Bible-thumping vulvas that they’re always screaming for backup and air support and napalm cover, even when it’s just a matter of posting comments on a blog? Goddamn, brother! Isn’t this a one-man job? I mean we’re just a bunch of liberal nerds here. And you’re carrying a fucking gun! All we’ve got are bongs and bags of weed. And MacBooks. With the exception of one former Marine in SoCal who is heavily armed and spends afternoons blasting wildlife in his backyard (yeah, Semper Fi and namaste right back atcha, you insane fucker) most of us are pretty peaceful folk.

At first I thought it was kind of crazy for the gun-packers to take the fight to my blog. Why start firing over here, in the direction of innocent women and children? Then I realized their tactics represent a version of the flypaper strategy that the U.S. government (God I almost said “our government” but caught myself; I’m a citizen of the world, not of any one country, and particularly not a citizen of some fascist anti-Islamic theocracy run by born-again Christians who don’t believe in evolution) has used with such success in Iraq. The idea is you attract all the terrorists to one place and keep them busy over there so they stay away from us.



If that’s your strategy, gun kooks, well I want to tell you that I welcome the debate and I’m glad to host it here in my comment strings. Please spread the word and tell as many of your fellow travelers as possible. To those who are just joining the blog I offer this greeting: Namaste, n00bs. I honor the place where your kooky arguments and my site traffic become one. Fire away. And please keep your eyes peeled for foreign language and geography mistakes.

Thing is, if upstanding citizens want to carry concealed weapons in Ohio, that’s fine by me. I never set foot in places like Ohio. I’ll maybe go to New York and I have to go to LA for Disney work but otherwise I’m a Valley boy, through and through. Personally I have no interest in arguing the merits of letting everyone carry a concealed weapon. It’s obviously a stupid idea, but there’s no point arguing with stupid people. Especially stupid people who are carrying concealed weapons. Plus, as you may have noticed, the stupid people definitely outnumber the rest of us. Unfortunately in a democracy the morans and simpletons are allowed to vote, which is how laws like this one in Ohio get passed. (It’s also the reason I run Apple as a benevolent dictatorship. But I digress.)

Anyway, my suggestion to FSJ readers is simply this: Stay the fuck out of Ohio. To the folks who are living there and who are so scared shitless that now they’re packing heat, let me offer an idea, which I know you won’t take but I offer it up anyway. Have you ever considered living somewhere else? Like, um, somewhere where you don’t need to carry a fucking gun to protect yourself? There are such places, you know. Sure, the real estate costs a little more. I know you’re very proud of that low cost of living in the greater Cleveland area. But hey, you get what you pay for. Peace out. Much love. Don’t be hatin. Stop the war.