Today in totally surprising news that we have never, ever heard before: Crisis pregnancy centers, which are often funded by taxpayer money and have been found time and time again to lie to women, are still lying to women. New results of a yearlong investigation by NARAL Pro-Choice America indicate a disturbing trend among CPCs in California (replicated nationwide) of using whatever means necessary -- slut-shaming, fear-mongering, misinformation and straight-up manipulation -- to prevent pregnant women from having abortions. Surprise, surprise.

The report, which was released last week, concludes that CPCs pose a grave threat to public health by falsely posing as medical clinics when, in reality, they actually delay (or prevent) women from accessing prenatal care. NARAL's investigators visited over a quarter of California's crisis pregnancy centers posing as pregnant women, and found that often, the centers will have no trained medical professionals on the premises.

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The lack of any real medical insight can lead to the dissemination of (totally inconsequential!) inaccurate information, which appears to be one of the centers' primary tools for steering women away from abortion care. In one particularly unnerving example, a CPC staffer told one of the undercover investigators that the investigator's IUD, which showed up on an ultrasound, was actually "your baby."

“No matter what circumstances our investigators were in, the answer was always to continue the pregnancy,” Amy Everitt, state director of NARAL Pro-Choice California, said in a statement. “The bottom line is that crisis pregnancy centers put their anti-choice agenda ahead of women’s health. They will say anything to keep women from exercising their right to choose abortion care.”

In 91 percent of the centers NARAL visited, CPC staffers told investigators that "having an abortion was linked to an increased risk of breast cancer, infertility, miscarriage, and/or the made-up 'post-abortion depression' that results in suicide." But that's only one practiced scare tactic -- and only one part of CPCs' anti-choice approach. From the report:

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One common scare tactic focused on the ability of a woman to

have a healthy pregnancy in the future if she accessed abortion

care. “She told me that for some women, they dilate them too fast

and they might become … not infertile, but in later cases ... they

might miscarry a lot because the cervix might not close up all the

way. So I might have a lot of miscarriages if I aborted the baby.” Timing is critical when making decisions about an unintended

pregnancy and the CPCs we visited deliberately worked to delay

those decisions. Accessing abortion care early in a pregnancy is

safe, more easily accessible and more affordable. CPCs attempt to

lull women into believing they have as much time as they want to

make a decision. CPC workers tell women that they don’t need to

make a decision because their pregnancy may terminate naturally,

stating that the likelihood of a miscarriage is 30-50 percent. In fact,

the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists states

that approximately 15 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

The findings are worrisome, but altogether unsurprising. At this point, pretty much anyone could come up with their own erroneous counseling for pregnant women on par with the advice doled out at CPCs -- which is why, in honor of the report, NARAL asked a bunch of people on Twitter to do exactly that:

If you have the baby, you will be the next host of The Daily Show #CPCAdvice — Lizz Winstead (@lizzwinstead) March 12, 2015

"After the procedure, your womb will be haunted. There's a doc about it called Paranormal Activity" #CPCAdvice http://t.co/a4PYaqjRti — Baron Vaughn (@barvonblaq) March 12, 2015

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"Rosemary's Baby is about a devil baby possessed by the baby ghosts of his mom's past abortions. It's a DOCUMENTARY." -#CPCadvice — Janine Brito (@janinebrito) March 13, 2015

"You own a cactus? Then you totally know what it takes to be a good parent." #CPCadvice — Emily Epstein White (@EmEps) March 12, 2015

"I like think of science as more of a guideline" #CPCadvice @ProChoiceCA — Nicole Calasich (@calasich) March 12, 2015