Written by Neville Percival Croft

Throughout history, humanity has invented a variety of unusual and fascinating games – many of which are still played today. However we must consider that some of these games are inherently fascist. By far the most problematic of these games is chess and we here at NPC Daily are about to educate you as to why this is.

Chess subconsciously transforms innocent folk into alt right bigots

First and foremost, we must address the fact that chess is by default a racist game. Why is it racist you may ask – isn’t it obvious? White goes first. Without question, this is incredibly hateful and condescending towards people of color as it forces a message that they must make way for whites. It’s almost as if whoever created chess decided to spread racism through a seemingly innocent board game which has fooled people for years. Until now. Great intellectuals such as Professor Jen Derton have conducted intense research and may have discovered the dark secret behind chess.

We managed to get in touch with Professor Derton and here’s what she had to say:

My colleagues and I have spent a great deal of time trying to understand what exactly the purpose is of chess and what its creators had in mind. Now we can answer that. Oppression. That’s it, plain and simple and it’s only getting worse in Trump’s America. Chess reeks of discrimination against women and people of color and it’s all thanks to the brilliant research conducted by my team that we’ve been able to come to this objective conclusion. Professor Jen Derton, head researcher of the social issues department.

Several of the pieces used in chess imply a derogatory undertone with the major offender being the Queen. The sole reason the Queen exists is to serve the patriarch, otherwise known as the king. Never before has such sexism been observed in a game. Even animals are abused in chess. The horse is forced to move in an L shape meaning that the freedom of the horse is heavily restricted. How sickening.

Then there are the pawns. This is where it gets truly daunting. Pawns perpetuate slavery and could very well symbolize child soldiers as they are merely used as bait and tools. Pawns are promised that they can become Queens but most find themselves slaughtered on the front lines instead.

The only way to end this racism and misogyny is to fix chess or label playing it a hate crime. It’s the only way. One method could be to simply change the color of the white pieces to something more inclusive like grey or rainbow colored. Changing the gender of all the pieces to female is another brilliant way to end the crippling sexism in the game and also help spread the word of gender equality.

Until these progressive changes come, chess will remain problematic.