6 Things I Learned About Dating When I Came Out as Bi

Photo: Gili Benita

So you just came out as bi, and now you’re excited as all hell! As you should be. Congrats!

When I first came out, I couldn't tell you how stoked I was to be open and honest about my sexuality. For the first time in a long time, I thought the world was my oyster, and I thought my dating options were about to double. Little did I know, though, that was far from the truth.

If only I had known these six things about dating when I first came out as bisexual...

1. It’s good to let people know you’re bisexual prior to your first date

Not for their sake, but for yours. When I came out, I didn’t think being bi would be that big of a deal in the dating world. I figured if I were on a date with a gay man, why would he care? Same thing for straight woman. For some reason, many people do care. They don’t trust or want to date bisexual men. I went on numerous first dates where midway through, I would say I’m bi (after waiting for the subject to come up organically). Suddenly, there would be a visible shift in my date’s demeanor and attitude. The date would go downhill very quickly. I now tell people beforehand I’m bi, so I don’t waste my time. I hated getting dressed up and excited about a date, only to have him or her reject me once s/he learned of my sexual orientation.

2. Dates will ask you questions that make you want to prove your bisexuality

Never, and I mean never, feel the need to justify your bisexuality. Never feel as if you need to somehow prove to them that you are interested in more than one gender. You don’t need to prove anything. Saying you’ve had crushes or dated or slept with people of various genders doesn’t matter. If you’re bi, and you know (or even THINK) you have the capacity to like multiple genders, either romantically or sexually, then you are more than justified to label yourself as bisexual. Case closed.

3. Dates will ask you personal questions

It still comes as a shock to me how comfortable people feel asking me ridiculously personal questions within five minutes of meeting me. Curiosity is fine, and I’m more than happy to answer some questions about my bisexuality, but don’t ask me about my sex life or my exes within minutes of having first met.

4. The date often becomes about you and your sexuality

This is one of the more annoying things about dating. Even the people who are respectful of your boundaries and ask appropriate questions in a polite manner, still ask a lot of questions. Dates often becomes about your sexual orientation, which of course, is not the only topic you’d like to discuss on a first date. There’s more to you than your sexuality. You’d also like to know some things about your date too.

5. You will be fetishized

Not by everyone you meet, but at some point, you absolutely will be fetishized, especially if you identify as a woman and present yourself in a more traditionally feminine manner. As a male, I’m still fetishized with many gay men thinking I’m hotter or more masculine because I sleep with women. Women think that I’m more sensitive or a better partner because I’m bi. (Thank you, I think so too, but it’s still a stereotype and fetish.)

6. It’s often easier dating other bi+ individual

That’s not to say you can’t date a gay man or straight woman as a bisexual. There are, however, big differences between sympathy and empathy. In the beginning, it may be easier to date someone who's lived what you’ve lived through, who not only understands the different troubles that occur as a bisexual, but has also experienced them themselves. You won’t have to convince them that you’re not going to leave them for another gender or that you’re not a cheater. They’ll know. So when I first came out, I primarily dated other bisexuals. My last girlfriend of nearly a year was bisexual and my current boyfriend is bi too. I wasn't even specifically searching for bisexual partners. My current boyfriend, I met at a gay male event. It’s often just easier, and you and s/he will feel more comfortable dating.