As an American, you can find volumes of travel books instructing you how to behave when you visit other countries—which seemingly innocent hand gestures are vulgar in Romania, for example, or how close you can stand to a Japanese businessman. But what about when foreigners visit our country?

It’s not easy to find out what the non-English speaking world thinks of us, as it is another unique peculiarity of Americans that most only speak one language. But Google speaks many, even Russian. So with Google’s help, I set out to learn more about “американский этикет,” or, Russia’s take on American etiquette. (Note: We welcome any translation help from Russian-speaking Flossers.)

1. On Giving Gifts to Americans

Short Version: Don’t worry about gifts. It’s not a big deal to Americans and can even make them feel bad. If you do gift, go really Russian, they love that. Also did you know bribery was illegal in America? Be careful of that.

“Gifts: Americans do not expect them. On the contrary, an unexpected gift while conducting business can put an American in an awkward position. Such things for Americans suggest reciprocity." "If you do gift, it is desirable to bring something purely Russian when you visit the United States. But make it 'purely Russian' for modern America - not nesting dolls and samovar. Instead bring a good book about Moscow or Russian history, art and culture. Americans appreciate a good education and have great respect for cognitive literature.” (Деловой этикет по-американски) “Business gifts in the U.S. are not acceptable. Moreover, they often cause suspicion. Americans fear that they could be construed as a bribe, and in the United States that is strictly punishable by law.” (Национальные особенности этикета в США)

I’d just like to say, I would love a samovar. And oh, one of those awesome fox fur earflap hats would probably really help grease the wheels of international commerce between our companies.

2. On Talking to American Women

The short version: American women are a little uptight. They might call the cops if you look at them too long. And don’t be gallant, that creeps them out.

“US etiquette prohibits flirting with a woman who is not your girlfriend or wife. If you are not acquainted with a woman, whether she be in a restaurant, on the street, or on the subway, do not look at her legs, etc. Americans could easily call the police on you, even for just ogling her.” (Этикет США) “Welcome and introductions: men and women tend to shake hands. Mutual kissing and kissing ladies' hands is not accepted. Also, women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady. In this regard, it is not acceptable to be excessively gallant, and you should avoid personal questions (do not find out whether she is married). (Национальные особенности этикета в США)

It’s weird how one nation’s flirting is another nation’s motivation to use pepper spray.

See Also: 10 Japanese Travel Tips for Visiting America

3. On Socializing With Americans

Short Version: Americans are delicate buttercups by Russian standards, so be gentle. They get all touchy when you show up at their house uninvited and get their feelings hurt just because you hang up on them when you’re done talking. They also do this thing with their legs that is so annoying. Bring them a badminton racket, they go crazy for those. Oh! And when they say, “See you later,” they’re totally lying. And whatever you do, don’t mention the magnetic storm.

“Showing up at a business associate’s home uninvited in the United States is not acceptable. You may be invited to a picnic –if you’ve known each other for several years and are social outside the office. As a rule, the invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze. Bring something sporty - ball, badminton, Americans are certainly fervent fans of these things.” (Деловой этикет по-американски) "Americans generally do not like long intros and prefer to go directly to the subject matter, especially if it's a phone conversation. In Russia we talk about general topics before moving on to the reason for the call. Conversely, Americans are often surprised by the Russian habit of quickly breaking off a conversation and hanging up. Phone etiquette in America usually involves the gradual end of the conversation, confirmation agreements and standard closing remarks. By the way, 'see you later' should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy, and no more. "Russian conversational patterns often sound harsh to Americans. Statements such as, 'You’re wrong,' can be offensive. This can be interpreted as 'You are telling lies!' Therefore it is better to say, 'I do not think I can agree with this.'" (Американский речевой этикет) “When Americans are talking, they might put their foot on a nearby chair, or even a table. They might cross their legs so that one foot rests on the opposite knee. In American culture, it is considered an acceptable norm, but often causes irritation in other countries.” (Национальные особенности этикета в США) “You should not discuss their health unless you are visiting a friend in the hospital. What seems caring can be regarded as an invasion of privacy, lack of tact. You have to have some justification to show interest in their health. Do not ask the effect of a magnetic storm (not many Americans know what that is) on their well-being.”

(Американский речевой этикет)

See Also: 11 French Travel Tips for Visiting America

4. On American Optimism

Short Version: These people do not stop smiling. Also, they don’t want to hear your problems because it interrupts their smiling. “Surviving” makes you a hero over there. Here it just means you were unlucky, but not unlucky enough to have died.