“And this might be the most deranged letter to Santa ever. It is a long, stupid, disingenuous and incoherent defense, signed by an angry gorilla with a Sharpie. I mean, is this a signature or a seizure? This is why you don’t snort Sudafed on an empty stomach.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I don’t even know how to describe the tone of it. I guess if you took the most privileged white lady ever and gave her a whole bottle of wine and then asked her to write a Yelp review of a restaurant that made her wait 40 minutes for a table and then got her order wrong twice.” — SETH MEYERS

[As Trump:] “Your spiteful actions display unfettered contempt for America’s founding, and your egregious conduct threatens to destroy that which our founders pledged their very lives to build. Yes, a nation built on the belief that powerful white men face no consequences whatsoever.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Then Trump complained about how damaging impeachment has been to those he loves. [As Trump:] You do not know, nor do you care, the great damage and hurt you have inflicted upon wonderful and loving members of my family. You’ve hurt them all, from the innocent wife I cheated on with a porn star, to the poor kids whose mother I bailed on two wives ago — all of them.” — STEPHEN COLBERT