After spending a bit of time on a well-known dating website and perusing quite a few profiles, we have come to one conclusion: While there are a few diamonds out there, the majority are in desperate need of some helpful hints and important guidelines. The following list is a set of rules that we posted to a profile in hopes of helping the many men in need!

Rule #1: Do not post pictures of yourself surrounded by hot girls. This is not making you look any hotter, or cooler even. You just look like a desperate loser that thinks if you have hot chicks in your profile picture with you, other hot chicks will also follow. Yaaaa, no. Wrong, gentlemen. So wrong.

Rule #2: Know the difference between ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’. ‘Your’ is the possessive, as in: “It’s your computer”. ‘You’re’ is the contraction for ‘you are’, as in: “you’re a ****ing idiot if you don’t know the difference”.

Rule #3: Now this should be obvious, but no shirt-off-in-front-of-the-bathroom-mirror pics. If we have to explain to you why this is a bad idea, then just delete your account now. You really have no chance in hell. And FYI, commenting/joking about the fact that you have the ‘prerequisite bathroom mirror picture’ does not make it any less douchey.

Rule #4: If your profile takes over 5 minutes to read, you are instantly put into the “Talks A Lot Guy” category. For those of you who fall into this category, you can deny it all you want, but it does extend outside of the POF world – you do talk a lot in real life. You’re not fooling anyone. And especially not us.

Rule #5: In keeping with Rule #4, please remember there is a fine line. Those of you who don’t take the time to share ANY information at all are instant write offs. Unless you are gorgeous, in which case you will be momentarily pardoned for your error and given a second chance, based on what your message to us says. But even those blessed with good genes and beautiful bodies will be thrown back into the sea if you can’t come up with anything better than: “Hey babe, wats up?”

Rule #6: Please think of something better to say than “Hey babe, wats up?” We are not your babe. And you know what is not up? Your chances of a reply from us. You need to intrigue us with your charm and your wit. Comment on something we’ve mentioned in our profiles. Point out a similarity you think we might share. Ask us a unique or disarming question. Reveal your weird and random sense of humour. Make us WANT to reply to you.

Rule #7: For those of you who have spent some time crafting and perfecting a first email, only to copy/paste it and mass mail it to a bunch of ladies…please do not think you’ve come up with a brilliant plan. You haven’t, because we’re on to you.

Rule #8: As an extension of Rule #7, the worst kind of copy/paste email is the one where you literally take your write up off your profile and paste it into an email. Look, if we wanted to read your profile, we would. You shoving it down our throats via personal message, isn’t going to increase your odds. It’s just going to make you look special…and not in a good way.

Rule #9: READ OUR PROFILES. While we understand that the majority of emails sent to us are based off our looks and whether or not you are attracted to us, do you know how annoying it is to state something about yourself in your profile, only to be asked that very question in an email? No, boys. No.

Rule #10: Stop calling us crazy! Example: “I’m tired of those crazy chicks” or better yet, “Looking to meet someone who’s not crazy”. Lesson for you: We, the female species, are different from men. This does not make us crazy. We don’t care if you had an ex that drunk dialed you 30 times in one night, chances are, you did something equally as crazy to her at some point. Regardless, putting “women + crazy” anywhere in your profile isn’t going to help you find Mrs. Right. We see “crazy”, we think “insensitive jerk”. Get it? Good. We’re glad we had this chat…

Rule #11: If you don’t have the balls to put up a picture of yourself, then don’t email those of us who do and have. Stick to emailing the girls who are also too camera-shy (read: lacking in self-confidence), as it’s only fair. And if your excuse is that you’re just too embarrassed/fearful that someone you know will spot you on here, then perhaps you are not quite bright enough to realize that in order for them to see your profile…they must have a profile themselves. Ergo, this is not a valid excuse and we will assume you are a hideous beast man.

Rule #12: Don’t. Be. Creepy. While it’s nice to compliment us on some of our pleasing physical attributes, it is not okay to send us random x-rated comments. Keep it tame, gentlemen. Between my friend and I, we have received a plethora of revolting messages. And while it is amusing for us to share them with one another, we would like to know just what in the hell you are thinking in saying these things to us. Telling us you would “like to see what our breath smells like in the morning” is not going to get you anything but deleted. (Oh, and to note: Including your cell number, your BBM, your home mailing address or the name of local pub where you’re stationed at every Friday night in your first message to us IS considered creepy. No, there are no exceptions. It is. Period.)

Rule #13: We really don’t want to see pictures of your car. Just putting it out there.

Rule #14: Also. You with the baby pics! It’s all well and good if you love children. As natural born breeders, we find this to be an inherently appealing attribute in a mate. But posting pictures of you holding your niece or your nephew just doesn’t fool us. If you want kids, answer yes. If it’s that important to you, then by all means, talk about it in your profile. The ladies out there who aim to procreate will flock to you. But posting pictures of babies and children online is just weird. And let’s face it. Most of you probably couldn’t wait to get that baby off you after the photo op.