Figurative language is your friend.

Whether you’re writing historical fiction about Pearl Harbor or hysterical fiction about your wife Pearl, you need to become versed in the art of using figurative language. Before you start scratching your head, I’m talking about metaphors and similes. A metaphor is a symbol, a tiny word-shaped bird that flies into your eyeball and makes a picture appear in your brain. A simile is like a metaphor. The flowerier the better — don’t hold back! For example, the sentence “He gave her a hug and then continued playing ping pong” would sell a lot more copies if it read something like;

“He embraced her diaphanous bodice with the passion of a thousand suns, like the Egyptian demigods of ancient times, and then continued playing ping pong.”

Give your characters distinct voices.

If you want to write dialogue like a pro (or even like an elementary school amateur), you’ll need to imbue your various characters with distinct and engaging voices. If all of your characters have the same manner of speaking, your reader will get bored and may decide to come round to your house and beat you with a large stick. As an example, consider this conversation between two characters.

Don Giovanni turned to Mr. Fotherington-Wordsworth. “I don’t like you very much,” said Don Giovanni. “The feeling is mutual,” said Mr. Fotherington-Wordsworth. Then they fought to the death.

This would have been much more engaging and contextually appropriate if the characters had spoken in distinct voices, like so:

Don Giovanni turned flamboyantly to Mr. Fotherington-Wordsworth. “I donna like you a very mucha!” he exclaimed, eating a large meatlovers pizza.” “The feeling is quite entirely mutual my very good dear sir,” chortled Mr. Fotherington-Wordsworth, sipping Earl Grey tea out of a large crumpet. Then they fought to the death.

In this way, you have simply but meaningfully transformed your characters into differentiated individuals with their own unique and culturally appropriate personalities. Kudos.

Use proper grammar and spelling.

Nothing irritates your reader more than wading through poor grammar and spelling, except for wading through your pathetic plot and listless narrative voice. So you need to make sure your spell-checker is enabled, that your grammar is correct, and that you’re righting doesn’t completely sock. Some common mistakes to avoid include:

Dangling prepositions — as in the sentence “he dangled his preposition out of the window of a moving vehicle.” Unnecessary repetition of words — as in the sentence “that that that that that that that his his monkey.” Poor sentence structure or syntax — as in the sentence “he his sentence poorly structured.” (A good test: if your sentence would sound normal in Yoda’s voice, it’s wrong) Incorrect use of apostrophes — as in the sentence “he’s its went to theirs with ours’ Roosevelt.”

Ensure narrative and expressive continuity.

Your book may be bad, but it’s vital that you keep it consistently bad throughout. First, make sure that your facts check out by carefully re-reading the book. For example, if your protagonist is a 43-year-old school teacher on page 4 and a newborn labradoodle puppy on page 50, you may need to iron out some continuity errors. Second, be consistent in your use of tense and pronoun. For example, your narration should either be in the first-person (“I opened the door and discovered my girlfriend making love to some meringue”) or in the third-person (“He opened the door and discovered his girlfriend making love to some meringue”). It’s rare for books to be narrated in the second-person (“You opened the door and discovered your girlfriend making love to some meringue”), unless you’re trying to be particularly provocative or you happen to know something about the reader’s girlfriend that he doesn’t.

Finally, always use onomatopoeia at every available opportunity.

Onomatopoeia is a literary technique whereby a word sounds like the thing it is describing — for example, the car “whooshed”, the bird “cheeped,” the eBook writer “farted out another terrible eBook,” and so on. You should use this literary technique throughout your literary masterpiece, because it gives the reader a real sense of place and time, and also because it is a good excuse to write some funny words like “fupupupup” and “wha-bang”.