(1/?) hello! so i’m a trans man starting on my journey of transitioning. ive noticed a lot of my trans friends no longer ID with being trans, and it’s made me kinda worried. I feel confident w transitioning, but at the same time, so are many of the people who end up detransitioning.

(2/3) i was wondering, where there any signs that you would maybe go back on your decision to transition? and so you think there’s (a) difference(s) between you and trans men who continue w their transition & feel a bit better about it? and are there any questions you think i should ask myself before continuing?

(3/3) sorry if you don’t want these questions, you were the only person i found that wasn’t a terf or found their transition was just not being able to come to terms w being a lesbian (i like guys so i can’t really relate to their stories you know)

Hi anon,

Just so you know: I’m coming to terms with being a lesbian. But that’s only one thread in a very complicated tapestry. (Honestly, it’s not something that had occurred to me until after I decided to detransition.) I think it’s more complicated for all of us detransitioners, really. I guess I just haven’t talked about my sexuality much, because it’s something I’m still sorting out. Anyway, that said, here is my ramble for you:

I was confident in my decision to transition. I felt it was the best option for me. I didn’t see any signs that I’d change my mind about my decision later, though I considered the possibility very carefully.

Ultimately, there was no way for me to predict how I’d feel later on. I had to do the best with what I knew at that time. That’s how most big life decisions go, not just transition.

I wondered and worried, “What if I change my mind later?” Who wouldn’t worry about that? In the end, I decided that it was a risk that was worth taking. I didn’t feel like I had any other options.

The way I saw it was: Life is already difficult. Transitioning is going to make things even more difficult, regardless of whether or not I’m happy with the end result. Life as a trans person? Freaking hard. Life as someone who transitions and then detransitions, and has to live with the consequences of their decision? At the time I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like, but I figured that’d be rough, too. No matter the outcome, choosing to transition introduces significant, serious difficulties and complications into one’s life. So I decided it wasn’t worth worrying about a future I could not predict, other than knowing and accepting that it was going to be hard and painful no matter what I decided to do.

If you ask me, anyone who decides to transition should be aware that, as their life progresses and they learn more about themselves, they might decide to detransition for any number of reasons. You might be as confident as they come (I know I was), your transition might go so well that you go stealth and pass 100% of the time (I did, and still do for the most part), but it still might turn out that it’s not a good fit for you.I think a fully informed decision to transition includes acknowledgement of detransition as a possible future path.

Detransitioning a real possibility that is inherent in the decision to transition. It’s a package deal. Any decision comes with the possibility that it’ll go south. We’re human and we can’t get around that. It’s more important to make a decision fully aware and accepting of the potential consequences of your actions, than it is to delude yourself into thinking that you’re 100% right and can’t go wrong with your decisions. Don’t kid yourself. Focus on being self-aware, patient, and forgiving.

The important thing to know is that detransitioning is hard, but it’s not the end.

And the more that people collectively acknowledge it as a reality that can happen, not just a myth or an ironic cosmic punishment for fakers/liars/attention-seekers, the more we can prepare people for it and provide detransitioners with the resources and support they need to make it through a really difficult part of their lives. I don’t think detransitioning has to be as hard, scary, or lonely as it currently is.

I don’t consider it a “failed state”, either. My transition didn’t fail. It went about as smoothly as it could, all things considered. I reached my goals, only to find that those goals didn’t solve the underlying problems I had. So I had to step back and rethink things. That’s just life.

In one of your questions, you ask if there is a difference between me and trans men who continue their transition and feel good about it. I mean.. the only real difference I see is stated within your question. They feel good about their transition, it’s working for them, so they’re continuing. Great! If you transition, and it’s working for you, then that’s awesome and I’m glad. Personally, I transitioned, and realized I still felt terrible, my problems were not solved in the ways I thought they’d be solved, and in some ways transitioning made things even harder for me. So I had to stop. That’s the difference. I stopped, they didn’t stop.

(But, hey, you’re also sending this question to someone who isn’t convinced that Gender is an innate human quality. So.. *shrug*? I’m guessing that many trans men are invested in the idea that they’re 100% different from me in some mysterious, intangible way that I do not comprehend. All I see is, we both made this decision to alter ourselves physically and socially, it’s working for them, for a long time I thought it worked for me, but I did some digging and realized it doesn’t work for me.)

It wasn’t a sudden realization or anything. I didn’t wake up one day and decide, “You know, I’m just not feeling this anymore.” I checked in with myself a lot, and had a lot of mixed feelings all through transition. But, transition is hard for anyone who does it, even those who it’s absolutely right for. So I didn’t want to mix up “this isn’t right for me” with “this is hard because being trans is hard”. I was very patient with transition, and went as far as I was willing to go with it. I gave it my best until I realized I was giving more than I was getting.

Anyway, it’s late, gonna stop rambling at you. Just thought I should get something written for you. My apologies for taking so long to respond. It’s been a hard month.

