Great. So now we’ve got nothing better to write about then whether or not a well-established burger chain should expand their menu and include veggie burgers. This idea that vegetarian, vegan and omnivorous food has to be mutually exclusive to a specific dining establishment is really starting to get on my nerves for a number of reasons. What’s that? You want to know precisely what they are, and why? Well, ok then! I live to please!

1.) The Stigma – I’ve been doing my good-little-vegan best to bring down this idea that “vegan” holds the same meaning as “inedible tree bark.” Unfortunately it has not been having the intended effect. People think that I can’t tell when you’re making barfy faces behind my back when I mention a delectable vegan dish or suggest a vegetarian restaurant. Surprise, motherfuckers! I can see every contorted face you’re pulling back there. Here’s a suggestion: grow the hell up and try something new. Turning up your nose at broccoli is, like, so 1985.

2.) The Unnecessary Drama – The addition of a veggie burger to your favorite fast food chain does not unequivocally mean that you can’t have your triple bacon cheeseburger. It does mean, however, that maybe your friends who don’t eat meat can finally join you for a quick dinner at a restaurant that you like, without it having to be a major fucking production of figuring out which restaurant will cater to everyone’s needs. Imagine the utopia of everyone, regardless of dietary needs, being able to dine in harmony at the same establishment! Would looking up at the menu and seeing a vegetarian option listed really take that much away from your dining experience?

3.) The Stigma (From The Other Side) – I would like to hold my head high and proudly proclaim that the immature cry of “Ew, I’m not going there! That’s vegan!” is a sentiment that’s reserved solely for the omnivores. Unfortunately, I can’t do that, because all you militant vegan douchebags are ruining it for me. I have heard tell that there are vegans in this world who refuse to patronize establishments that are not exclusively vegan. If that’s your view, I have to come right out and say it; I’ve never heard of anything so asinine in my life. I get that your veganism is important to you. Being a vegan is important to me too. But it doesn’t prevent me from going into shops, restaurants or other merchants just because the people who run those establishments believe something different from what I believe. That’s a pretty lonely, exclusive way to live.

4.) The Fact That I’m Even Writing About This – An issue like this doesn’t need a moderator. It doesn’t need 1,330 comments arguing for one side or the other. And why is that? Because you’re never going to get 100% of people to agree to one option or the other. This is the reason that I don’t buy into the world-wide vegan utopia that so many of my brethren see in the future. There are almost 7 billion people on this planet, and if you think you’re going to get them to all agree on one eventuality, you’ve got some serious problems. Put a veggie burger on your menu. Don’t put a veggie burger on your menu. Do we really need to have debates and articles and discussions and disagreements and compromises about it?

Apparently we do.