<<fadeoutsound $beach>><<fadeoutsound $boat>><<fadeoutsound $cargo>><<fadeoutsound $demon>><<fadeoutsound $desert>><<fadeoutsound $chainedfrogs>><<fadeoutsound $dramatic>><<fadeoutsound $fish>><<fadeoutsound $harbour>><<fadeoutsound $helicopter>><<fadeoutsound $heroic>><<fadeoutsound $swampy>><<fadeoutsound $scubafrogs>><<fadeoutsound $truck>><<fadeoutsound $willowsway>><<fadeoutsound $wind>><<fadeinsound $countryside>><<replace "So you followed the clues, huh?">>So you followed the clues, huh?



<<replace "Looking for the next piece of the puzzle?">>Looking for the next piece of the puzzle?



<<replace "Well I'm sorry to say, I'm not here to bring you cyphers, meaningless clues or secret level BULLSHIT.">>Well I'm sorry to say, I'm not here to bring you cyphers, meaningless clues or secret level BULLSHIT.



<<replace "I'm just here to bring you the truth.">>I'm just here to bring you the truth.



<<replace "I don't know if anyone will find this, I had to bury this one deep.">>I don't know if anyone will find this, I had to bury this one deep.



<<replace "The only place the developers aren't looking is on their own god damned server.">>The only place the developers aren't looking is on their own god damned server.



<<replace "My name is Swampy Cornelius.">>My name is Swampy Cornelius.



<<replace "I am a frog.">>I am a frog.



<<replace "I am an amphibian.">>I am an amphibian.



<<replace "I am a fighter.">>I am a fighter.



<<replace "I am a survivor.">>I am a survivor.



<<replace "Many thought I’d died.">>Many thought I’d died.



<<replace "Others thought I ran away.">>Others thought I ran away.



[[But Swampy does not run...|start2]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

<<fadeoutsound $dramatic>><<fadeinsound $boat>><<fadeinsound $fish>>I panicked. I forgot everything. “OH SHIT! OH FUCK!! OH FUCK!!” I yelled, as I hopped frantically away. I fled the suite and hopped to the cargo hold as fast as I could, keeping to the shadows, and all the small spaces that a human could not reach. I could hear dogs barking! <<replace "Were they the hounds of hell?">>Were they the hounds of hell?

<<fadeoutsound $boat>><<fadeinsound $cargo>>

Once I was back in the cargo hold, I made for the raft and oars (told you they’d come back in!). One of the frogs from earlier popped her head out from the crate. <<replace "“Swampy! Did you get ‘em beat?”">>“Swampy! Did you get ‘em beat?”



<<replace "“No time! Gotta run! Gotta run!” I replied bravely.">>“No time! Gotta run! Gotta run!” I replied bravely.

<<fadeoutsound $cargo>><<fadeinsound $boat>>

I grabbed the oars and the raft, made for the deck, and jumped into the sea. The sea might frighten me, but nothing frightens me like that demon. This was the true boss, people. Sure, there’s William Pugh, Dominik Johann, Justin Roiland, the Shpleebly executives, and all the suits on the boards of the industry. But they are all servants of the true master, the demonic overlord. <<replace "Zargothrax.">>Zargothrax.

<<fadeoutsound $fish>>

Now do you believe me? <<replace "Now do you understand?">>Now do you understand?



[[BY PLAYING ACCOUNTING+ YOU ARE GIVING POWER AND STRENGTH TO DEMONIC FORCES!]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

I decided to swim toward a bank to get my bearings, but before I got there I see this big dark shape moving in the water. It was so big that my first thought was that it was another frogman. But then I saw its shape. It was a fish. The biggest fish I ever saw. I’m a frog, people. I’m a pond guy, you know? And they don’t make fish like this in ponds, believe me.



I thought it wouldn’t be interested in me. <<replace "I was wrong.">>I was wrong.



I thought I could outswim it. <<replace "I was wrong.">>I was wrong.



It was on to me fast, and it wrapped one of its fins around my body, holding me tight. This thing was huge, and was staring right at me. But it wasn’t its size or its dead fishy eyes that scared the hell out of me. It was its smile. The thing was grinning at me like some kind of psycho, with these huge razor sharp teeth.



“Oh god!” I shouted in horror. I tried to compose myself. “OK, OK, uh, Fish - can I call you Fish? You could eat me right now, or… or I could help you. You see, I’m just a tiny frog, and you’re one big fish, it’s not like a little guy like me is going to make a difference to your appetite.”



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“Fine! Then what are you waiting for?” I cried, sweating, wriggling, trying not to look into that face. “God ribbit just eat me already! Ribbit! Ribbit ribbit! RIBBIT!”



<<replace "And then it spoke.">>And then it spoke.



“See how it struggles. See how it squirms.” Its voice was slimier than Don Esposito himself. I desperately tried to escape from its clutches, but it only held me tighter. <<replace "“No need for it to leave. It’s with me now.”">>“No need for it to leave. It’s with me now.”



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The fish laughed darkly. It was mocking him. <<replace "“What does it know of truth?”">>“What does it know of truth?”



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“It knows nothing of truth. Only whispers and lies does it follow. It wants to believe the lies, and it looks for them everywhere. It looks for them in every word, every code, and every level. But it cannot find them, no. So it pretends it did. It makes whispers of its own; angry whispers, and full of fear. Every ribbit brings it pain.” I felt this weird feeling as it spoke. I wanted to punch this fish, to fight it, to kill it. But <<replace "why was I so afraid?">>why was I so afraid?



It moved in close, its grinning mouth less than an inch from my face.



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But it tightened its grip so that I couldn’t struggle against it any longer. “See how it cannot bear to hear of itself. Look how it cries and squeals. It claims to bring truth. Yet here, now, hearing the truth for the first time, it wants nothing more than to run.” Its grip was so tight that I thought my eyes might pop out. And then, all of a sudden the smile left its face. It grimaced at me now, a look far worse than the grin. <<replace "I was certain it was about to eat me.">>I was certain it was about to eat me.



“It sickens me,” it said. “I cannot bear to look at it.” Suddenly, it let me go and swam quickly away, <<replace "its shadow passing away into the murk of the water.">>its shadow passing away into the murk of the water.<<fadeoutsound $wind>><<fadeinsound $countryside>>



“Wh - wh - “ it took me a moment to figure out what was going on. Why had it left? “Hey... Hey! Come back here!” I swum a little to try and find it, but there was no way I’d be able to in this water, and it was clearly much faster than I am. I felt weirdly angry. “Get back here you bastard! Let me - let me finish you off! What, are you scared? Huh? Are you scared?!” But it was gone. I went limp. <<replace "“Are you…. Are - are you scared?”">>“Are you…. Are - are you scared?”



I floated slowly down the river for a time, hanging there in the water like laundry on a line. Everything was quiet. I realised [[I was very tired.]]<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

<<fadeoutsound $willowsway>><<fadeinsound $scubafrogs>><<playsound $splash>>Out of the frying pan and into the fire, people.



As soon as I enter the cool water of the canal, I see three large black shapes in the water. And then three bright lights burst out of the darkness. They were people, and they had torches fixed to their heads! Frogmen! You know, tactical scuba divers with harpoons. This game developing elite bastard had frogmen patrolling the canal! In unison these watery lackeys point their harpoons at me. I didn’t panic, honestly. I kept my cool. I kept really cool actually. I just swam very quickly but calmly to the bottom of the canal where it was pitch black, and swam as fast as I could <<replace "along the bottom.">>along the bottom.



But their underwater torches were too bright and there was nowhere to hide. I nearly got harpooned! I had to use some trick I learned back in the frog cadets to dodge them, and one of them grazed my side and nearly cut me open! Fortunately there was a very narrow pipe that a frog could fit inside, but a human certainly could not. I was able to crawl inside and <<replace "get away.">>get away.

<<fadeoutsound $scubafrogs>><<fadeinsound $wind>>

Now Germany is not my country, so I’ve got no idea where I’m going. I followed this network of pipes for miles, and had to pass through some sewage at one point, but I don’t want to talk about that. After a horrible struggle, I started to smell the blessed scent of fresh water again. I jumped down a pipe and ended up in the River Spree! By the time I got there I just passed out. Straight up. I don’t know how long I was floating downstream, but when I woke up I was in the River Havel, [[somewhere in the countryside.]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

<<fadeoutsound $beach>><<fadeinsound $harbour>>

Everyone knows that harbours are a great place to hear all kinds of rumours, gossip, and tales from all over the world. Sailors, witch doctors, traders, magi from the east, and locals alike mixed together among the ships. The taverns and inns were filled with old soldiers and kings men and travellers from distant lands, and along the peers, magicians, jugglers and seers entertained large crowds. I couldn’t risk being seen, so I acquired a wig and some shades from a market stall, and started mixing in with the crowd. It didn’t take me long to find out that leaving within two hours was a cargo ship headed right for the United States! It was perfect. In all the stress I had almost forgotten about the coordinates, but now I realised I had the perfect opportunity to cross the Atlantic and get to where I needed to be. Arizona. I felt excited. Soon I would have the final piece to the puzzle, blow this thing wide open, <<replace "and expose the devs.">>and expose the devs.



I found my way through the harbour, being careful not get stood on, and I came to the ship. It was called the SS Carbonated Beverage. “Finest ship in the ocean, or I’m a landlubber!” I heard the captain say to his bosun, as they proudly watched crates being loaded onto the ship. I hopped up the side of the ship, and found my way into this huge cargo hold in the bowels of the ship. I stowed my raft and oars away again. [[Remember that by the way, the raft and oars come in again later.]]

<<endreplace>>

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Now buckle up, because this is where it all starts getting super weird. I’m warning you, some of the stuff coming up is extremely frightening and distressing, and I don’t want you to go losing sleep because of me. But if you’re a fighter like me, and are hell bent on ending the regime of the devs, read on, because there is also extremely valuable information coming up! But if you get negatively impacted by this, <<replace "don’t say that I didn’t warn you.">>don’t say that I didn’t warn you.



So this was a really close shave. I am at the mouth of the river Elbe, and I can see the cold iron grey of the North Sea in front of me, stretching off beyond the horizon. I rowed my way over to the land, gathering some seaweed to fasten the oars and raft to my back. [[I clambered over some rocks, and hopped up the side of a peer in the harbour.]]<<endreplace>>

<<silently>>

<<fadeoutsound $countryside>><<fadeinsound $swampy>>

<<endsilently>>But seriously, Swampy here. That’s right, Discord. I have finally returned! I am here to bring you all a warning, and to tell the epic tale of my adventures since we last spoke. I have had a weird year, people. In fact, weird is putting it lightly. But I have never seen things so clearly as I do now. Since we last spoke, <<replace "I am a changed frog.">>I am a changed frog.



Firstly, I just want to say that I’m really sorry that I disappeared on you guys. You are my allies, my brothers and sisters in arms, and so I owe it to all of you to explain why I had no choice but to disappear. This is a crazy story, parts of which you might struggle to believe. But I swear that every single part of this crazy story is true.



While I’ve been away, I have literally taken any opportunity I can to check the Discord. From what little I’ve been able to see, I have gathered that some of you believe me to be dead, and others that I betrayed the movement, sold out, and literally faked my own death. I understand why you’d think these things. But the truth is much scarier than that. Never forget, whenever these demonic evil psychos who rule the industry try and silence me, I always come back to <<replace "bite them on the ass.">>bite them on the ass.



We did glorious things together, Discord. I have kept each and every one of you in my heart throughout this whole journey, and it’s been the thought of getting justice - TRUE justice - for you gamers that has kept me going. There’s some real evil bastards out there. We are not just up against people inspired by evil. We are up against evil itself. But together we WILL get ‘em beat! We have no choice.



[[So let’s begin!]]

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<<fadeoutsound $truck>><<fadeinsound $desert>>Once I got to Arizona, I had to do a lot on foot. Now. I gotta say. The desert…. Is not a good place for a frog. I’m an amphibian, ok? I can go on land, but I need water too. It was a shitty time, the sun was roasting me alive, I could feel myself drying out, and my thoughts started to get… strange. I was getting sunstroke, people! This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But the thought of reaching the coordinates and busting this thing wide open was my guiding star. It was the only thing keeping me going. Because the coordinates are the truth. The coordinates are everything I’ve been fighting for. If I get to the coordinates, I destroy the evil regime of the devs, defeat the evil Zargothrax, and free gamers everywhere! <<replace "I kept going for them.">>I kept going for them.



But my god was it hard. Bit by bit, mile after mile, <<replace "I slowly edge my way towards fate.">>I slowly edge my way towards fate.



I checked my coordinate tracking device that I’d kept hidden in one of my frog folds. I should have been close, but I could see no sign of any kind of facility, base, or HQ of any kind. I moved on, <<replace "a strange feeling of dread filling me.">>a strange feeling of dread filling me.



Eventually I stopped and double checked my coordinate tracker. I was at the spot. I was at the exact coordinates. But there was nothing. Just some sand, some rocks, and a few shrubs.



<<replace "“What?”">>“What?”



I figured then that it must be an underground base, so I started digging. I don’t know how long I was digging, but I did so until my hands were bleeding, and I had made a hole <<replace "sixty inches deep! ">>sixty inches deep!



“WHERE IS IT??” I screamed. And then I cried. I cried and I cried. And I lay still. I think [[I passed out.]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

jtp7bnHy

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When I swum off the next day, I felt more refreshed. The river was very wide, and the water cool and deep. I swum like this for a few days. When I reached the river Elbe, I only got a couple miles downstream before I got caught up in a bad current. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t swim against it or out of it, so I had no choice but to go with it and hope for the best. But it kept going… and it kept going… and it kept going! And that was when I got really scared. You see, now I started tasting something in the water. This god awful taste that seemed to set my skin prickling. It was salt! <<replace "I was fast approaching the sea! ">>I was fast approaching the sea! <<fadeoutsound $countryside>><<fadeinsound $beach>>



Now the sea frightens me, people. I’m not gonna lie. I mean, we frogs love the water and all, but imagine water that is TOXIC to frogs. And those currents! I’m not talking river currents, OCEAN currents! THE SEA IS LIKE MORDOR FOR FROGS, PEOPLE! A toxic wasteland full of beasts and unimaginable depths.



I looked around helplessly, and that’s when I see these awesome plot devices floating at the surface moving downstream along with me and everything else. A piece of wood and some sticks. I knew that if I was to survive, I’d have to get to them, and fast. It took all the strength I had, and each stroke of my webbed limbs took the strength of ten frogs. But I am a fighter. I am not a soft frog, and I made it, Discord. I made it to the surface. [[I clambered onto the wood and used the sticks as oars. ]]<<endreplace>>



Arizona

I’ve been watching William Pugh, Dominik Johann, and the whole Crows Crows Crows gang for years. I’ve also been following the sinister activities of Justin Roiland, the rise of Squanch Games, and that transparent dumbing-down exercise they call “Rick and Morty”. I have watched in horror as Crows Crows Crows and Squanch Games forged an evil alliance for the development of that god awful VR game Accounting+.



But ever since the 2017 Game Awards, this whole thing has gone into overdrive. It’s only been a year, but it’s felt like the longest year of my life. That night in February when I disappeared was the same night that we stormed the Crows Crows Crows Discord together, and showed them our refusal to be intimidated. It was a beautiful day. We really gave them a scare! I’ve noticed that they have since covered their tracks and turned it into their Community Discord, quote unquote. That’s how these people work. But never doubt that we terrified them. Little did they know <<replace "that that was just the beginning.">>that that was just the beginning.



Now on that night, as you might remember, William got pissed off with me, lost decorum, forgot his phoney public face, and confronted me. He demanded that I meet him by Willow’s Way. This is a random location somewhere along a canal in Berlin. It has no official name, but “Willow’s Way” is the frog name for it, and he was trying to intimidate me by showing that he knew its frog name. <<replace "But I don’t fear that evil bastard.">>But I don’t fear that evil bastard.



So, why did he want to meet me? Well, does it really need spelling out? That tadpole slaughtering son of a bitch was going to try and kill me. But I knew I could outsmart him. I’m a fighter, people! <<replace "And I am one smart frog.">>And I am one smart frog.



Now, I did have a plan. I wasn’t sure if William would actually be brave enough to meet me, or if he was just going to send someone to kill me like a coward. But my plan didn’t end with William. It ended across the sea. You see, one way or another, whether through bargaining with William, or, as I knew was much more likely, by means of escape, I needed to reach <<replace "the leaked coordinates.">>the leaked coordinates.



What leaked coordinates? THE leaked coordinates, Discord! The coordinates that were leaked from the Crows Crows Crows studio near the start of the year, and which point to a location in Arizona. I knew that I had to get there. I had no idea what was there, but all intelligence available to me pointed to it being a secret facility run by the Shpleebly corporation. I believed it to be where the tadpoles were harvested. If I could expose whatever was going on there, [[I’d bust this whole thing wide open for all to see!]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

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<<fadeoutsound $cargo>><<fadeinsound $boat>>

It was freezing, the rain was pouring, and waves were crashing against the ship. A storm was picking up, and the wind and waves roared like beasts. Something important was happening. The entire crew of the ship was standing in formation, like when Palpatine shows up in <<replace "Return of the Jedi.">>Return of the Jedi.

<<fadeinsound $helicopter>>

That’s when this helicopter suddenly appeared out of the clouds. The captain slowly approached the helipad looking much more serious than I’d seen him at the harbour. The helicopter touched down. The doors opened. When the captain knelt, everyone else did too. And then out came these three guys in suits, accompanied by bodyguards. The captain greeted them, some words were said that could not be heard over the wind and waves, and then they all walked inside. And that was it. All the other crew on deck just sort of went back to what they were doing before.



<<replace "“Holy shit,” I said.">>“Holy shit,” I said.

<<fadeoutsound $helicopter>>

I had the absolute masters of the Shpleebly corporation here on this ship, in my very presence. This was potentially huge. I could get some game changing insider information here. I needed to do some serious eavesdropping. <<replace "I tailed them to a fine wooden door.">>I tailed them to a fine wooden door.



<<replace "“You may leave us, captain,” said one of the men.">>“You may leave us, captain,” said one of the men.



[[“Arr,”]] said the captain, bowing.

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

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I caught a ride with a long distance trucker who hates the industry and the devs as much as I do. Great guy. He told me he was a big follower of Level Wars, and that he agrees with me on pretty much everything. He asked me for an autograph when he dropped me off. Of course I gave it to him. That guy did me such a huge favour, and was such a valuable member of the movement - [[motivated and enthusiastic!]]

<<fadeoutsound $beach>><<fadeinsound $truck>>

<<fadeoutsound $boat>><<fadeinsound $demon>>I crawled quietly through the shadows and managed to hop quickly through the door, just as it opened. Inside was a luxurious suite. But in the centre of the room was a black circle, <<replace "a red pentagram at its centre.">>a red pentagram at its centre.



Two of the men sat in three large leather arm chairs around a small wooden table, while the other took three glasses and a decanter filled with what looked like fine, fine whiskey. <<replace "When they all had drinks, he sat.">>When they all had drinks, he sat.



“So,” he said. <<replace "“What news?”">>“What news?”



<<replace "“Development continues,” replied one.">>“Development continues,” replied one.



<<replace "“A new level. Most likely set in space,” said another.">>“A new level. Most likely set in space,” said another.



My heart sank. No, I thought. It can’t be.



The first man looked deep in thought. <<replace "“A new level. Will it be enough?”">>“A new level. Will it be enough?”



The other two men looked at each other with small smiles on their faces. They looked back at the first. <<replace "“The updated game will be shipping to Vive and Oculus as well.”">>“The updated game will be shipping to Vive and Oculus as well.”



No… oh god, no… please...



<<replace "“And the tadpoles?“">>“And the tadpoles?“



<<replace "“Two hundred and fifty... tons.” the other replied.">>“Two hundred and fifty... tons.” the other replied.



The three men all looked at each other. Then they laughed. They laughed and laughed like the diabolical entities they are.They touched glasses, and <<replace "drank deep.">>drank deep.



Tears streamed down my face. I was shaking. When will it end? Oh god! When will it end? I was in shock, people. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I knew I had to let you guys know somehow! <<replace "I had to get the word out! But how?">>I had to get the word out! But how?



Eventually, the first man said: <<replace "“We must inform the almighty Zargothrax.”">>“We must inform the almighty Zargothrax.”



<<replace "“Yes,” replied one man.">>“Yes,” replied one man.



[[“We must,” said the other.]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

Anyways. So I’m just floating in the sea. Better that than the evil demon ship. And I’m crying, and shouting, and beating my fists. I was so angry, and so afraid. I had my old dictaphone stowed in one of my frog folds, and this is when I recorded that warning that I sent to the Discord a few months back. The ship was still in close enough proximity to use its wifi. I also saw that old Slimy Esposito has also been making enquiries. That gave me a small measure of hope, though even Don Esposito couldn’t find me out here. I was done for. I thought this was the end. <<replace "I sent the file and passed out.">>I sent the file and passed out.

<<fadeoutsound $boat>><<fadeinsound $beach>>

An unknown amount of time passed, and I did the whole washing up on the beach cliche. I had to eat so many flies in order to get my strength back. I wandered around for some time, until I learned that I was somewhere down in Mexico. Fortunately I still had my coordinates on me, they hadn’t been lost to the sea. So I decided I just had to hitchhike my way up to [[Arizona.]]<<endreplace>>

They drained their glasses and stood. They formed a triangle about the pentagram circle and held hands. Only then did I realise what they were doing. They were about to summon a demon! I could feel panic beginning to well up inside me. I wanted to get away, but I didn’t dare move.



<<replace "“Zargothrax! Almighty Zargothrax! We summon thee, o Lord!” cried one of the men.">>“Zargothrax! Almighty Zargothrax! We summon thee, o Lord!” cried one of the men.



<<replace "“Zargothrax! Prince of Hell, King of Wraiths, Angelsbane, most villainous of all villains, we summon thee!” shouted one of the others.

">>“Zargothrax! Prince of Hell, King of Wraiths, Angelsbane, most villainous of all villains, we summon thee!” shouted one of the others.



<<replace "“Zargothrax! Zargothrax! We summon thee! We absolutely summon thee! Oh my fucking god, do we summon thee!” yelled the third time.">>“Zargothrax! Zargothrax! We summon thee! We absolutely summon thee! Oh my fucking god, do we summon thee!” yelled the third time.



<<replace "“Oh my god!” cried the other two in response.">>“Oh my god!” cried the other two in response.



<<replace "All three of them chanted the words: “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”">>All three of them chanted the words: “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”



<<replace "And then the pentagram glowed like red-hot metal.">>And then the pentagram glowed like red-hot metal.

<<fadeoutsound $demon>><<fadeinsound $dramatic>>

They let go of each others hands and started making strange noises.



One of the men banged a drum, and the other blew on a pipe flute, while the third danced and chanted: <<replace "“Aya aya howa heh! Aya aya howa heh! Aya aya howa heh!”">>“Aya aya howa heh! Aya aya howa heh! Aya aya howa heh!”



A dark shadow began to rise from the circle, and hell itself came to earth. A wave of pure terror overcame me. I’m gonna be honest…. I’ve never felt so scared in all my life. I’m shaking just typing about this.



<<replace "“HAIL!” cried one.">>“HAIL!” cried one.



<<replace "“OH! OH HAIL!” said another.">>“OH! OH HAIL!” said another.



<<replace "“FUCKING HELL! ALL HAIL!! ALL HAIL DON ZARGOTHRAX!!” shouted the third.">>“FUCKING HELL! ALL HAIL!! ALL HAIL DON ZARGOTHRAX!!” shouted the third.



<<replace "I couldn’t help it, I just shouted “NOOO!”">>I couldn’t help it, I just shouted “NOOO!”



Then they all turned and looked right at me. The shadow demon made this deep, gurgling noise. <<replace "I knew it was laughter.">>I knew it was laughter.



“Well, well, well,” said the demon in a voice like a death metal vocalist. <<replace "“Swampy Cornelius.”">>“Swampy Cornelius.”



I couldn’t speak.



<<replace "“Master, master I am sorry! We knew not he was here!” said the first man.">>“Master, master I am sorry! We knew not he was here!” said the first man.



<<replace "“We knew not!” cried another.">>“We knew not!” cried another.



<<replace "“We knew not! WE KNEW NOT!!” wailed the third.">>“We knew not! WE KNEW NOT!!” wailed the third.



I felt the terrible gaze of Zargothrax upon me. And then he said: [[“KILL HIM!”]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

Swampy Cornelius

<<fadeoutsound $harbour>><<fadeinsound $cargo>>So I found this crate with a small hole in the bottom. It was lovely, cool and dark in there, and I find this comfortable, wet, squishy something to lie on. It smelled like a dirty pond. It was perfect. I passed out there and then. I don’t know how long I was out for but when I woke up I realised we must be far out to sea.



<<replace "Up and down.">>Up and down.



<<replace "Up and down.">>Up and down.



It took me a while to hear the wheezing. That’s when I realise that the thing I’m lying on is what’s moving up and down. Up and down. Up and down. It was almost like it was... breathing. Then I hear a little muffled croak. It sounded… frog like. I pull an old matchbox out from one of my frog folds, <<replace "and struck a match.">>and struck a match.



<<replace "“No… NO!” ">>“No… NO!” <<fadeoutsound $cargo>><<fadeinsound $chainedfrogs>>



I’d been sleeping on a bullfrog, people! He was tied up and injured. I slowly backed away. “Oh god…” And then I saw that there were frogs everywhere. Some alive, some dead, some long dead, and all chained and shackled to the walls and floor of the crate. “No…. OH GOD!!” I ran out of the box. That’s when I see it. I must have been exhausted when I got on the ship as I could not believe I’d miss it. Every single crate in this cargohold wore the same logo….. Shpleebly Drink. I was on the ship of <<replace "the Tadpole killers themselves.">>the Tadpole killers themselves.



<<replace "“NOOOO!!” I shouted.">>“NOOOO!!” I shouted.



I ran back inside the crate and looked around at the plight of my people. The frogs, some old, some barely out of adolescence, all chained, beaten, tortured looking. The bullfrog I’d slept on croaked at me. In English its croaks would translate to <<replace "“kill me... kill me...” ">>“kill me... kill me...”



“Don’t you worry, old timer,” I said to him. “I am Swampy Cornelius. I swear to you on everything moist that I will find the ones who did this. I am coming for them all. Believe me when I say... <<replace "THIS...">>THIS... <<replace "ENDS... ">>ENDS... <<replace "NOOOOOW!!!!”">>NOOOOOW!!!!”<<fadeoutsound $chainedfrogs>><<fadeinsound $heroic>>



And all of the frogs whooped and cheered. After being around humans for so long, I took a moment to bask in the sound of support coming from my own kind. Through all the ribbits, I heard some shouting <<replace "“Go Swampy!”">>“Go Swampy!”, and others shouting <<replace "“Get ‘em beat, Swampy!”">>“Get ‘em beat, Swampy!”



I actually wanted to stay in this crate a while longer, but I realised I now had to go otherwise it would ruin the moment. So I hopped off like a frog about to defeat every villain in the world.



But as soon as I exited the crate, I said: <<replace "“Shit.”">>“Shit.”<<fadeoutsound $heroic>><<fadeinsound $cargo>>



There was like forty crewmen in high viz jackets now. They all had the evil Shpleebly logo printed onto their jackets. I hid in the shadows for a moment, but I saw they were all going the same way. A siren was ringing and they were vacating the cargo hold. They were all clearly going somewhere. Something was happening. So I followed them. [[It was to the deck that they were headed.]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

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<<set $harbour = "sound/Harbour Shore.mp3" >>

<<set $helicopter = "sound/Helicopter.mp3" >>

<<set $heroic = "sound/Heroic Swampy Freeing The Frogs.mp3" >>

<<set $scubafrogs = "sound/Scuba Frogs.mp3" >>

<<set $splash = "sound/Splash.mp3" >>

<<set $swampy = "sound/Swampy Intro.mp3" >>

<<set $truck = "sound/Truck.mp3" >>

<<set $willowsway = "sound/Willows Way.mp3" >>

<<set $wind = "sound/wind.mp3" >>

<<fadeoutsound $wind>><<fadeinsound $swampy>>So that’s more or less the full account of what has happened since we last spoke, Discord.



Mark my words, I’m still bound and determined to get ‘em beat. I’ll never stop fighting. I’ll never stop hunting. I will be trying to get ‘em beat until my dying breath. Let 2019 be remembered as the year that gamers finally got the devs beat!



<<replace "...">>...



I’m still in Arizona by the way. I’m not sure how to get back yet. Don’t worry about me though, I’m crashing at this rat’s place. We don’t get on, he is a massive dick. But he’s not a monster, and he won’t let a frog die alone in the desert. But while I figure out how to get back from here, <<replace "I’m going to have to take my activities part time.">>I’m going to have to take my activities part time.



<<replace "But I know that together we can change the world!">>But I know that together we can change the world!



My wifi here is pretty spotty, it is the desert after all. But if any of you want to get in touch with me, shoot me an email at swampycornelius@gmail.com. Let me know how your search for the truth is going.



I love you, <<replace "Discord. ">>Discord.



Your friend, your ally,

[[Swampy Cornelius|Start]]

<<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>><<endreplace>>

<<fadeoutsound $swampy>><<fadeinsound $willowsway>>So I set off on my way to Willow’s Way. It was a cold night, and an ominous yellow moon was hanging low in the sky. When I got there, I saw a solitary figure standing by the canal; a long, thin, skeletal shape, with a main of hair that looks like it’s been dragged backwards through a hedge. It’s a distinct profile, and when you’ve been in the game for as long as me, there’s no mistaking it. When I saw him, a surge of rage ran through me. Standing there, in all his dark malevolence, was <<replace "William Pugh.">>William Pugh.



So he is brave enough to face me, I thought to myself.



I hopped behind him quietly. But before I even announced myself, and without turning to face me, he started to speak. <<replace "“It doesn’t need to be this way, Swampy,” he said in this cold, blunt tone.">>“It doesn’t need to be this way, Swampy,” he said in this cold, blunt tone.



<<replace "“Listen Pugh, Discord and I will not be intimidated by - “">>“Listen Pugh, Discord and I will not be intimidated by - “



“Oh spare me the performance act, Swampy,” he snarled, turning slowly around to look at me. “You’re not on camera. We’re not recording you in any way. Your fans aren’t here. It’s just you and me talking man to frog.” His would-be threatening demeanour enraged me. <<replace "I wanted to cave that smug face in with my slimy, webbed hands.">>I wanted to cave that smug face in with my slimy, webbed hands.



But I kept calm. <<replace "“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, I said.">>“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, I said.



<<replace "“Then you truly are yumpy, Swampy”, he said.">>“Then you truly are yumpy, Swampy”, he said.



To this day, I still don’t know what yumpy means.



The evil dev knelt down so he was close to my face, and he looked right into my eyes.



<<replace "“The studio doesn’t need this right now Swampy. You might hate me, but you can’t take it out on the team. So you will stop harassing them, and we will deal with this once and for all, here and now.”">>“The studio doesn’t need this right now Swampy. You might hate me, but you can’t take it out on the team. So you will stop harassing them, and we will deal with this once and for all, here and now.”



<<replace "“Oh will we? I don’t - “">>“Oh will we? I don’t - “



“NO! I talk now”, he said, his eyes flashing with anger. “Here’s what you’re going to do, Swampy Cornelius. You will tell your Discord friends that you got it wrong. You’re going to tell everyone that the industry is their friend. And you are going to tell them that nobody is stealing their data and sacrificing tadpoles to ancient demons. <<replace "Do you understand?”">>Do you understand?”



<<replace "“And if I refuse?” I asked.">>“And if I refuse?” I asked.



He stood up again, towering over me like some blue eyed skeleton king crowned with black fire. That’s when I heard the rustling of leaves and the snapping of a twig. William’s guys emerged out of the shadows. Four of them. They were what you would expect - big, gormless looking knuckleheads, thuggish drones blindly obeying the commands of their evil master. They pulled out knives that looked like they could cut through a frog like <<replace "a machete through a cake. ">>a machete through a cake.



<<replace "“Then I guess we have to deal with this differently.”">>“Then I guess we have to deal with this differently.”



Clearly I was supposed to be scared. But I actually found it <<replace "real funny!">>real funny!



“Here’s the thing, William. I’m a frog, ok? And a frog is a tiny target, especially for dumbasses like them!” I said, gesturing at his goons. “And we’re by water for fuck sakes! Water! Like… great place to meet a frog, <<replace "dumbass!”">>dumbass!”



<<replace "“Oh I’ve - “">>“Oh I’ve - “



“NO! I talk now!” I said, cutting across him, and feeling really smug to turn his own phrase back on him. “I could tell my allies all of those hateful things. But I would only be lying to them. I’d only be betraying all of my comrades, and turning my back on millions of unborn tadpoles. I will not do that just so you can sleep better at night. Fuck you, William Pugh. You’re a demon.” And before he could respond, or send his guys after me, [[I leapt into the canal and out of their reach.]]

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<<replace "I woke up. ">>I woke up.



<<replace "“It is! It’s Swampy Cornelius!”">>“It is! It’s Swampy Cornelius!”



Someone was here. I slowly turned to face the voice, feeling so, so weak. <<replace "A small desert rat had popped up out of his hole.">>A small desert rat had popped up out of his hole.



<<replace "“Now what in the hell is old Swampy Cornelius doing out in these parts?” he said to me.">>“Now what in the hell is old Swampy Cornelius doing out in these parts?” he said to me.



It was hard to speak. “B-bringing,” I attempted weakley. “Bringing you the truth.” <<replace "I groaned with the effort.">>I groaned with the effort.



At that, the rat laughed. <<replace "“Like hell you are. I’ve seen your show. It’s garbage.”">>“Like hell you are. I’ve seen your show. It’s garbage.”



I didn’t have the energy to bite back, but I noted his tone.



“Here take some water,” he said, <<replace "handing me a large bottle.">>handing me a large bottle.



It was divine. I drunk deep, and felt life filling me once more. I poured it all over my body as well, and felt the beautiful moisture <<replace "soaking into my skin.">>soaking into my skin.



“My god!” I sighed with pleasure. <<replace "“Thank you!”">>“Thank you!”



<<replace "“So. Truth, huh?” said the rat.">>“So. Truth, huh?” said the rat.



<<replace "“I was led to this spot by some coordinates.”">>“I was led to this spot by some coordinates.”



“Let me guess,” said the rat. <<replace "“You’re looking for some kind of clue. An evil base?”">>“You’re looking for some kind of clue. An evil base?”



<<replace "“Yeah. Crows Crows Crows are interested in this place. These coordinates were leaked from their HQ by me!” I said, feeling proud.

">>“Yeah. Crows Crows Crows are interested in this place. These coordinates were leaked from their HQ by me!” I said, feeling proud.



The rat looked at me strangely, seemingly deep in thought. Then he spoke again. <<replace "“You ever heard of the holy grail, Swampy?” he said.">>“You ever heard of the holy grail, Swampy?” he said.



<<replace "“I’ve heard of it. But I don’t know too much about it.”">>“I’ve heard of it. But I don’t know too much about it.”



“Well, you see, the holy grail was kind of like the Secret Zoo Level of the middle ages. All over the world, people longed to find this so called holy grail. Trouble is, no one knew where it was, or even how to begin searching for it. Hell, they didn’t know what it even was. A cup? A womb? A metaphor? People searched all over the place. People would travel thousands of miles in search of this grail. They searched for clues in ancient texts, and analysed every verse of the Bible, all in the hope of finding the tiniest clue that might help them find the grail. People excavated tombs, dug beneath ruins, and stormed castles. But it was all in vain. No matter how hard they tried, <<replace "they could never find the grail.”">>they could never find the grail.”



“What happened in the end?” I asked, <<replace "a sinking feeling growing in my gut.">>a sinking feeling growing in my gut.



“Well,” said the rat, scratching its head, <<replace "“it kinda just… fizzled out. People moved on.”">>“it kinda just… fizzled out. People moved on.”<<fadeoutsound $desert>>



And then it clicked. <<replace "“Oh, I see.”">>“Oh, I see.”



The rat raised an eyebrow. <<replace "“You do?”">>“You do?”

<<fadeinsound $wind>>

“Yeah. This is some kind of metaphor for my search for the truth, isn’t it?” <<replace "I felt angry.">>I felt angry.



<<replace "“Not really. It’s more of a direct co-”">>“Not really. It’s more of a direct co-”



“What would you know about it, jackass?” I snapped back at him. “Do you know how much time I have dedicated to this stuff? Do you know how many hours and days I have spent trying to find anything - ANYTHING! - that might lead me closer to the truth? I have spent so long on this, I know more about this than anyone else! I am an undisputed expert of this stuff! <<replace "I have spent more time and energy than anybody else on this!”">>I have spent more time and energy than anybody else on this!”



The rat sighed. “Alright, I can smell where this is going. I’m out. Take care of yourself, Swampy.” <<replace "The rat went back into his hole.">>The rat went back into his hole.



<<replace "“SCREW YOU! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!” I shouted after him.">>“SCREW YOU! I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!” I shouted after him.



He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, people. He’s just a desert rat. You want to know about sand, [[you can ask that guy.]]

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