A while back we explained cryptos using cows, in the time-honoured tradition used for business and economics. Here’s another one along the same lines. But different.

Bitcoin: You have two cows. Cows are awesome, solid, reliable creatures so you keep them forever.

Ethereum: You have two cats. One of them is a cute, docile, friendly, loving animal who curls up on your lap every evening and snuggles you warmly. The other is a spitting, scratching hellcat who will rip your face off as soon as look at you. Both cats look exactly the same. You have no idea which one is walking up to you right now.

Ripple. You thought you had two cows but found on closer examination, one of them turns out to be a cardboard cut-out of a cow. When you look behind it, there isn’t even a blockchain. What you do find is some dude with a stack of sheets of card making 60 billion more fake cows. You’re kind of worried about your other cow now, so you sell it, fast, and never look back.

EOS. You have two banks. They cost $4 billion. The clever design of your banks means that administrators can reverse and block transactions, just like a regular bank. But these ones cost $4 billion. So that’s nice.

Bitcoin Cash. You have two turds. They both stink.

Bitcoin Cash Satoshi Vision. Roger has two turds. Craig steals one of them and adds further turd. Then Craig and Roger hurl turds backwards and forwards at each other until the whole crypto world is covered in turd. No one wants to buy any of it. Even cows are worth half as much as they were before.

Dogecoin. You have two dogs, of course. They are such dog, and very woof. You don’t see as much as your dogs as you used to back in 2014, but they’re probably still around here somewhere. ‘Fido? Heel boy!’

Binance Coin. You have two bags of money. Every time you come home they look bigger. You know it can’t last forever so you sell some. But the bags keep getting bigger anyway.

Tether. You have two dollar bills. Actually, they could be copies of dollar bills, it’s hard to say. The guy who gave you the bills says they’re worth $1 each, but he wouldn’t look you in the eye. You can hear the whirring of a photocopier in the background. You go next door and buy part of a cow with your dollar bills instead.

Beam: You have two of something. You just have no idea what. You don’t know where they are or how big they are, only that you have two of them. You think they might be green, but really, that’s a bit of a shot in the dark. All you know for sure is they’re not Monero because your CPU isn’t burning up.

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