PORTLAND, ME—Appreciating the onset of listlessness and despondency, local woman Wendy Fletcher confirmed Tuesday that seasonal depression kicked in just in time to render her emotionally numb before spending Christmas with her family. “When my parents picked me up at the airport and started questioning me about my personal life, I was already completely disengaged with the world around me, so the timing was perfect,” said Fletcher, adding that the seasonal affective disorder was going strong enough that she should be able to spend the next four days in a state of emotional detachment, dulled to the words and actions of relatives. “Last year, seasonal depression didn’t do a number on me until January, so I went through the entire holiday season as an active participant, taking on the full emotional brunt of dealing with family members. Thankfully, that cold snap last week really put me in a funk, and now I should be able to just sleep through most of my visit.” Fletcher added that, with any luck, her emotional paralysis would last long enough this year to get her through another Valentine’s Day alone.

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