The mutant testicle that was once attached to The Gingerbread Man’s crotch said on Fox & Friends the other day that he will drop a huge October Surprise on Wednesday that may change the election and screw with Obama. Melania Trump is also bracing herself for a different kind of October Surprise, because the only time Donald Trump actually cums is when he thinks he’s got some dirt on Obama.

Everyone figured that Trump was just going to squat out another empty fart about Obama’s birth certificate, but Radar thinks it’s something else. Radar says that some dude approached people close to Romney’s campaign and offered them information from Obama’s college days. The dude claims to have known Obama in college and says that back then the president closely studied foreign relations by snorting the Colombian good shit. The dude also claims that Obama sold cocaine. I guess you gotta pay off those student loans somehow.

The Romney campaign shooed the dude away, because they didn’t want that information coming from them. The dude is willing to take a polygraph, but so far nobody is interested in his story. Radar’s source explained it like this:

“At first he wanted to do a book. But there just wasn’t enough time before the election. The people he is involved with have produced other credible information that is damaging to national Democratic figures in the past few years. The operatives close to the Romney campaign believed the man’s story would be the ultimate October Surprise but they got nowhere. People who would have taken the information to the highest levels of Romney’s campaign just wouldn’t touch it. They don’t want their candidate smeared with this type of activity.”

So the dude might’ve dropped this not-so-scandalous information into Donald Trump’s lap and now Trump is planning to use it. But just like what a stick of dynamite did right before the picture above was taken, this October Surprise will blow up in his face. Calling Obama a cokehead will lead to Obama winning the coveted Lindsay Lohan vote, which will lead to him winning the entire election! Chop this election up into 3 neat lines and snort it up with Obama, because it’s done.

And I really hope that rogue hair on the left eventually got away from Trump’s head.