ARDMORE, PA — According to multiple witnesses present at Greg Bailey’s monthly poker game last evening, his wife Jill committed first-degree manslaughter of all the chill vibes.

Greg and Jill married last year, a wedding described by attendees as overly-planned and just a little too perfect. Since reading their nuptials, Jill has done everything in her power to insert herself into her husband’s peer group. She insists that she’s “up for anything” and that she’s always been “one of the guys.”

While Jill may have a bubbly personality and a tight little rump, reports indicate that no one wants her at guys’ night.

“She’s always asking us what’s new?” said Greg’s pal Chip. “And nothing’s every fucking new. Yet she asks every time…”

Dustin Renig, another friend present at the poker game, said the following:

Jill’s fine. We all like Jill. But not enough to let her ruin poker night! She always tells these stupid stories about her friends and family’s children that are never funny even though she thinks they are. It’s so clear she aches for motherhood, talk about a buzzkill. I don’t want to think about kids, it’s guys’ night, not weekdays from 8–9:30.

Greg’s brother Will had the harshest review of her presence: