After using Myspace for an extended period of time certain things began to annoy me. Some things have to do with the design of the site while others have to do with its users and the asinine things they do on here. So I went on a mission clicking through friends’ of friends’ of friends’ profiles and making note of the idiotic shit I see. Here’s a not so brief list.

1.Bulletins:

While it’s a great feature, adults and seemingly intelligent people revert into retarded 14 year old girls*. when it comes to this feature, I honestly want to back hand them Ike style every time I log into Myspace.

(A) Chain letters: Nobody gives a damn about chain letters. If you don’t re post a chain letter and something bad does happen to you, it isn’t because you didn’t re post. That’s just life. Oh, and even if you do re post…your mom is still going to die. While I’m at it, Tom is one rich mother fucker. He wipes his ass with 100 bills. Would you shut down a service that provided you with an unlimited supply of toilette paper?

(B) Surveys: To be fair, Surveys are Okay, but only in moderation. To those of you whom post multiple surveys daily, I have news, no one really fuckin’ cares what color shirt your wearing or if you’ve kissed the 3rd person on your top 8….and they definitely don’t want to hear it over and over again, day in and day out. Give it up. if your going to do surveys why not limit them to unique and interesting. Stuff people might actually enjoy reading. I want to know who the hell are the people writing those fucking things?

(C) Auto-posters: The new Auto post bulletins are gay. Your new awesome profile tracker you got and those ‘lol this is so funny Rotmflmao hahaa!!!!11″ titled bulletins are nothing but a viral marketing ploy. If your stupid enough to fall for those more than once then at lease be a sport and go back and delete your sub-sequent auto-posted Bullshit so the rest of us don’t have to see it. If you don’t delete them then your just asking for more advertising spam to clog up your bulletin spaces.

(D) Properness: what makes up a good bulletin. Let’s look at the official meaning of the word first. “Bulletin – 1. A brief report, especially an official statement on a matter of public interest 2. A brief update or summary of current news” yeah, I know, that’s to complicated for you guys. Boils down to: Post something interesting or post some sort of news. Even if it turns out to be ‘not so interesting’ or ‘old news’ to the reader, at least you tried, you’re miles ahead of those other douche bags*1.

2.Profiles: Every ones little corner in cyberspace. How many times do you hear “Check out my Myspace” Sure, No problem, I’d be happy to if it was worth my time.

(A) Content: So you got a Myspace profile and on it you don’t have any fucking info about yourself. Fill the fuckers out. Tom in his infinite wisdom made it easy enough that a monkey could successfully make a Myspace page. I don’t know how many times I’ve been directed to a persons Myspace page and the ‘about me’ and ‘who I’d like to meet’ sections are completely blank. That is the bread and butter of your page and you put nothing there but the link to whatever profile editor you used? morons. even worse than that, some people post a long fucking survey about themselves. What’s the problem, you can’t form paragraphs or do you just think people like reading long lists? Another thing, Adopted Virtua Pets should be put to sleep immediately! That brings me to the who I’d like to meet section, I’m pretty fucking sure it wasn’t meant to be used for celebrities. oh, what’s that? you want to meet Lindsay Lohan and titty fuck her? Well who the fuck doesn’t.

(B)Design: Granted not everyone is a web designer and you do get points for customization but…. The fucking flashing, glittering, dripping, text images needs to go away. Are you deliberately trying to give your visitors a seizure? Transparency sure it’s nice little feature but when it gets to the point when you can’t read or see a god damn thing but the background, you gone to far. The resolution used by most people is 1024X768 If you insist on posting images and videos all over the damn place, fine, but having to side scroll a page is a pain in the ass. Redo you profile or re size your F’ing pictures.

3.Pictures: Wether posted in your pics for all to see or hosted on a server to be used in a comment. everyone has pictures somewhere on their page.

(A) My Pics: First of all, only 12 pic’s? Tom you’re a fucking stingy bastard. WTF, why not give us more. It’s a pain in the ass to remove old pictures with comments because we’ve hit the max. Since it is stuck at 12, try to very your pics up. Whats the point of having all your pics look the same. Put a date on your pictures. We know your really fat now, so instead of trying to pretend your not fat by posting old pictures, Place a date on them. It’s a surefire way to judge how much cottage cheese your legs probably have now. Be yourself. If your Ugly, Fat, Gay, Whore, Disfigured, Bald it’s fine. Be proud of it. Post Images of it. Tell the rest of the world to go fuck themselves if they don’t like your god damned picture. People can see clearly through the fakes anyway, so why try?

(B) Hosts: 3 words. Photobucket.com (yes that’s one word fucker) Fucking Sucks. How many times have you seen the bandwith exceeded picture? Sign up with Flickr.com that shit never happens with images hosted with them and the features are just plain better.

4.Videos: The one thing that bothers me about videos are the people who insist on having multiple auto-play videos on their page. Those same people often have a Myspace audio track on there as well. who can’t watch 3 videos and listen to 4 audio tracks at the same fucking time?

5.Top Friends: 8 to 12 to 16. What the fuck, whats next, a top 100 friends? How many ‘best’ friends can a person fucking have? It should have been a simple ‘top 10’ and god forbid you get taken off the list and replaced by another person. That’s like the new way to bitch slap a mother fucker silly. I’ve seen a girl become Irate because some guy she was banging took her off his top list and I’ve been bitched at by people because they are not on my top list. You people are crazier than I am.

6.Comments: Stop posting the seizure inducing images and pictures that obviously break the page layout, learn how to resize the photos. Videos with audio, see item 4.

7.Cam Whores: This has got to be the funniest thing. Wow, this extremely hot girl wants to be your friend. Says she lives local and she wants you to check out her cool web cam! Sweet, you might get laid. Time to wake up fool, if you fall for all those friend requests, it will ultimately lead to you paying $12.95 and jacking off to some cracked out middle aged whore in Prague via her web cam. I don’t get it, there is plenty of free porn to be found (*cough* purextc.com *cough*) yet they keep popping up. Next time you get one of these, check out the profile and there will be comments like “hey girl, hit me up” “thanks for the add” like she’s doing you a fucking favor by trying to sell you shit. These fucking idiots. I wish it was legal to shoot people.

*Your friends can be referred to as any one of the following (Asshole, Bitch, Cock, Douchebag, Fucker, Idiot, Moron, Loser, Prick, Shithead) provided they retain the right to call you as such in return. This list is not complete. Extra points are given to those who can come up with more entertaining,varied or combined names. IE:’Shitbag Cockbite’

Edit 08/07/2006: The fact that I’m an illiterate high school dropout, drunk at the time of writing, and too lazy to edit this fucking post for two months, might tell you one thing: My readers can be assholes. In short, I fixed some goddamn spelling errors. Thanks for staying till the end, read the comments, you guys left some good gripes I had missed.

Myspace sucks