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Conniesoup is a Steven Universe fanfic that asks the question "What if instead of Steven as the hero, he was replaced with his infinitely more proactive girlfriend? And instead of the Crystal Gems raising her, we replace them with even worse parental figures?"

Connie is a half-human, half-gem hybrid who has the super power of actually asking questions about things and getting answers, something Steven took, like, 4 seasons to figure out. But to keep the plot from being resolved too quickly, the writers balance this out by breaking Connie emotionally every other sentence.

Parrot Bot is the Pearl of the story since they both like to smother their children. Not literally, but both have enough issues that you should... probably still kinda watch for that.

Lappy-Ritz is the funny but troubled hot one who all the other moms want to bang despite the fact she abandons everyone for long periods of time, then just shows up and cracks jokes like nothing happened, like the episode where Lappy loses Connie at the mall and Lappy goes home and eats donuts.

Rasper is the quiet one who just likes to kill things and has repressed anger issues, which still makes her by far the best parent.

Together they go on fun adventures and collect corrupted Gems and psychological issues Connie will have to go to a therapist about for the whole of her adult life.

Like that time Lappy-Ritz blamed Connie for destroying the Lunar Sea Spire then left to go out for space cigarettes and didn't come back for weeks. Or that time Connie met different parallel versions of herself and watched them painfully dissolve from existance. Or that time she wanted to go to a New Years party and her family went from three moms to two big moms to no moms in the course of a couple hours. (DISCLAIMER: No really, none of those were jokes)

But Connie isn't raised by just three people with issues. No! She isn't raised by five! Does the book count? Is that six?

[picture of the Pearlbook printing the number for CPS while Connie dials on a broken house phone]

Connie's father, Dug, shows us that if you drop out of school, run away from home, and are a stammering dork who's awkward around women, you too can bang a hot demi-goddess and learn kung fu. But Dug's life isn't all nerd wish-fulfillment. After only thirteen short years of abandoning his daughter to be smothered raised by Parrot Bot, Dug realizes he's a terrible father and feels bad about it. Then he starts banging a doctor the Internet has for some reason decided needs all the NSFW art. You have mommy issues, Internet. Get help. #DugFatherOfTheYear2017

Citrus is Connie's mother and she's dead. That or she's watching the world through a yellow window set in Connie's chest. Connie, stop wearing turtlenecks; mommy can't see. Citrus was perfect in every way and anyone who says otherwise gets punched into low Earth orbit by Rasper. Citrus led the rebellion against Harblewarble with the help of Rose Quartz Rasper, her bestest bestie who was in every way better than Rose Quartz other people. She also made everyone promise not to tell Connie anything about her powers because she learned parenting from Dug, and abandonment is how Maheswarans show they care.

Conniesoup teaches us that no matter how bad it gets, with open communication, self-reflection, and patience, even the most troubled of families can get their 13-year-old to do all the work of making everyone else's lives better.

[star wipe on Connie unpacking a mountain of baggage while Dug, Rasper, Lappy-Ritz, and Parrot Bot play video games]