I'll write this because I feel many problems and questions arise from an ISTP's lack of sympathy.



There are two types of emotional connectedness. Empathy (Fe) and Sympathy (Fi).



We basically have no sympathy, but we do occasionally feel empathy. What is the difference? Sympathy is simultaneously aligning your own emotions to the emotions of another. Empathy is truly feeling what the other person is feeling.



Sympathy arises from emotionally placing yourself in the other person's shoes. ISTP's are very capable of placing themselves in someone else's shoes, but we do it logically, not emotionally. I personally get occasional flashes of sympathy, but they're almost like a waking dream and I forget about them very quickly.



Empathy arises because you trust the other person. ISTP's have a large fortress wall of logic guarding their emotions (Ti). We relax our face muscles and listen to someone's words carefully and with skepticism. If it seems cold and heartless, that's because we're not letting you in and you have to pass through our filter first. Once you've done that, you've unlocked the key to our emotions and trust. People who are highly empathetic can make others feel their emotions.



When we trust another person, we can feel what they feel. Its why INFJ's also have a hard wall up guarding themselves from others. Once we let the wall down, we attach an emotional umbellical cord onto the other person. If that person is angry constantly, we probably won't open up to them all the way unless we ourselves feel like being very angry all the time. Once we attach the umbellical cord, we feel everything the other feels, whether they know it or not. We give people the key to our hearts if we logically believe they won't misuse this power. Because when they have this key, they can convince us to do anything they want. "ISTP: Turn left," "ok." (Well maybe not that bad, but we are very malleable.)



Physically, we have to experience another person with our senses. If we see someone on TV crying, that could get to us. Typically the only time I cry, is when everyone else is crying as well, but I still have my own very emotional situations to deal with. If I trust an angry, bitter, friend, I too will become an angry bitter person while I'm around them, for no reason other than I'm in their presence.



When we say cold, heartless things, its because we can not sympathize for other people. With sympathy comes the ability to know how to say something politely instead of objectively. However with empathy, we can usually make others feel our emotions. So if we say something that is cold and heartless, we can place energy into our words to give them an enchanted glow so these words are received well (for example, almost anything ENFJ's say). For example, the difference in saying:



Telling a random bystander.

"Help me. (sad face, sad tone of voice)"



versus



"Help me. (stoic face, not really much empathy in their voice)"



You would probably be driven to help someone who said the first one, and you probably wouldn't think much about the second person. ISTP's don't have the energy to enchant our words every time we open our mouths. This is most frequently the cause of our miscommunication. People don't listen to the words, they listen to the tone.



When it comes to finding friends, ISTP's typically start off being very careful in their word choices and charging the things they say with this empathy. But we gravitate toward people who can see through our lack of emotional energy and take the words for what they mean. If that person cannot do this, they eventually learn to recognize how the ISTP works.