Sorry, Feminists, But If Discrimination Against Men Doesn’t Exist, Then How Come Eagles Keep Grabbing Me By My Penis And Pulling Me Into The Sky?

One of the most maddening arguments that I’ve seen from feminists and social justice warriors is that there’s no such thing as discrimination against men. These hashtag activists make insane assertions that men are not the victims of sexism, and use all sorts of faulty rhetoric to try to prove their ludicrous claims. I’m sorry, feminists, but I’m simply not buying it. If discrimination against men doesn’t exist, then how come eagles keep grabbing me by my penis and pulling me into the sky?

It’s a simple matter of examining the evidence. Any SJW claiming that “reverse sexism” is a myth is ignoring the fact that every single time I walk outside, a shrieking eagle swoops out of the sky, clutches my penis in its talons, and flies away with me into the clouds as my cries for help grow fainter and fainter over the horizon. This is a struggle that I have to endure several times every single day, and it’s a direct result of my gender.

Now, before the feminists fire up their outrage machine and start tearing me apart on Twitter, let me just ask you this: When a woman walks outside, does she ever have to fill her pockets with stones in a futile attempt to make herself too heavy for an eagle to lift her by the penis up into the sky? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Yet when my pocket stones are too heavy for just one eagle to lift me, a second eagle often comes to help it, and the two eagles latch onto my penis together and fly with my flailing body into the woods. It often takes weeks for me to hitchhike my way back home.

Any SJW claiming that “reverse sexism” is a myth is ignoring the fact that every single time I walk outside, a shrieking eagle swoops out of the sky, clutches my penis in its talons, and flies away with me into the clouds as my cries for help grow fainter and fainter over the horizon.

Last time I checked, the hack feminist bloggers making $90,000 a year to complain about diversity in Marvel movies have never had to worry about when the next time an eagle is going to grab their penis, pull them kicking and screaming up their own chimney, and carry them through the sky to the roof of a distant parking garage. Please, though, go right ahead and lecture me about my so-called “male privilege.” I’ll be sitting here with undivided attention.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of SJWs insisting that sexism against men doesn’t exist while constantly ignoring the gender-based discrimination that eagles subject me to on a daily basis. Yesterday, I was driving to work when an eagle reached its legs through my sunroof, grabbed my penis in its claws, and pulled me into the sky through the roof of my car. Women’s rights militants always so conveniently overlook this, but my car then careened off the road and burst into flames while the eagle carried me to a nearby cathedral and swung me by my penis into the church bells in order to play Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

This would never have happened to me if I didn’t have a penis. Yet every time I point this out to feminists, or mention that after years of eagle attacks, my threadbare, talon-frayed genitals feel like they’re turning to dust, these SJWs dismiss my complaints as “male tears” and refuse to pay any attention to the concrete, empirical truths that I’m placing right in front of them. But the fact of the matter remains: Every eagle that dangles me upside down in the sky by my genitals is a living reminder that discrimination against men is a real and enduring problem, and no amount of Tumblr posts claiming that such reverse sexism doesn’t exist is going to make it disappear.

Mic. Dropped.