Beyond a bit of theater, the primaries are now complete. The American political groundhog has seen its shadow and we have again earned another four years of oligarchy. Now the nuanced, reasoned process of a mature democracy must choose which distinguished leader will be given the power to wield the full force of the American military.

Sorry, you look like your eyes are glazing over. Is it the inevitable fatigue of an election year, or the blood loss from losing your legs to a drone strike two minutes ago? Well try to pay attention. The fate of the world lies on this election.

Yes, we will elect a candidate that supports the very drone strikes that killed — is that your mother? It’s hard to pick out any features in the bloody strings of meat, but you’re screaming and crying like it’s one of your parents. Were they a terrorist? Sometimes they are.

As your vision shrinks to a final pinpoint, you will be comforted to know the Democratic Party has made history by selecting the first woman as the presidential candidate for a major party. If she wins, the glass ceiling of American politics will be shattered, and after eight historical years of a black President ordering drone strikes on your aunts and uncles, a white woman will be in charge of hunting your cousins through the hills.

Don’t worry. As Secretary of State she worked closely with Obama during the expansion of the drone program that just exploded your sixth birthday party. She’s more than up to the job.

You have to understand this is our best option. If we don’t vote for a woman who wants to hunt and kill your family members with flying murderbots, her opponent will kill literally everyone.

Does this seem overwhelming? The American public will make the choice for you. We have plenty of experience choosing the lesser of two evils. And the woman who ran the state department back when your grandmother’s head was exploded by yet another drone strike during a wedding is absolutely the lesser of two evils.

You see, she faces HitlerSatan. Now, you might respond that in every election cycle each side paints the other with the broad brush of demonic evil, and the use of Hitler as a metaphor has worn so thin you’d throw it out if it were a pair of socks. But this is different.

Her opponent has called for violent suppression of the press. He has dispensed with the civility of coded racist language in favor of outright bigotry. He supports policies that single out groups by both their religion and ethnicity. His foreign policy would, at best, spark a trade war that would cripple the world economy. More likely, everyone would be shooting nukes half way through his inauguration speech.

So in the end the Hitler comparison falls short. Hitler didn’t have nuclear weapons.

For the good of the world, this dangerous reality show charlatan must be defeated. And Hillary Clinton is just the woman to do it. In fact, her embrace of assassination extends even to American citizens. Just the sort of strength of character necessary to defeat an orange haired pit demon attempting to bring about the end of the world.

So don’t worry, though the primaries have been long and grueling the American people are nothing if not resilient. We will come together in November and vote for the candidate that only wants to bomb a handful of countries to rubble instead of the entire world.

When asked to choose between murdering Middle Eastern children with autonomous flying robots or starting World War 3 and 4 on the same day just for fun, one votes for murdering children.

#ImWithHer

For more solutions to the world’s problems, as well as fiction, plays, screenplays, and other jewels, join my monthly newsletter today by clicking these words!