Even though you nearly always annoy me, sometimes terrify me and very occasionally cause me pain, I’ve arrived at a stage in my life where I’d like to put our previous differences behind us and try and be friends. None of us are perfect and it’s time I started to look more for the positives you bring, rather than focus solely on your more difficult characteristics.

Just today I was reading about one of your French Policemen who exchanged himself with a hostage, to save their life, before paying the ultimate price with his own. He’s good people, I’ll focus on him and not the person that killed him, the people that influenced the killer, the dastardly deeds that those that influenced the killer use as justification and so on and so on. Hate breeds nothing but hate so I need to make sure I rid myself of this most destructive of emotions where you’re concerned.

Although I do recognise that I need to work on my reaction to some of the things you do, it would be helpful if you’d at least consider just being less rubbish. First and foremost is your crowding instinct. Why you feel the need to swarm about in your zillions at anywhere half decent is beyond me. You’re basically ruining any chance I ever have of enjoying being anywhere other than alone in my house.

My second issue is how funny looking the ones that seem to come closest to me appear to be. I am aware you do have some good looking ones among your number but I only ever seem to come into contact with aesthetically challenged ones. I hail from a place called Wakefield in the North of England. The only pleasant looking people I ever see are my children who are very beautiful.

Next is the average intelligence of your species. I don’t claim to be a mastermind but It does seem to be on the decrease. Once upon a time I’d have confidence that most of you would be at least able to understand the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ but those days appear to be long gone. You also voted for Donald Trump to be President, Brexit and a Tory government despite none of these things being any good for all but a small minority. Some of you even continue to shop at Sainsbury’s when Aldi is so much better value which is the final nail in any argument that people are not dimwits.

You’re also very noisy, unnecessarily so. You don’t see sheep or fish or bears or gorillas going around making the racket you do so pipe down from time to time. It’s not like most of you are making an interesting noise. Generally it’s just a cacophony of nonsense.

What’s with the selfish nature of most of you as well? When I hear one of you say; “you’ve got to look out for no.1” it makes me want to be sick on my shoes. What if we all look out for each other instead? What if their happiness makes you happy? What if their pain is your pain? What if their problems are ones you share and solve together?

Your females are extremely difficult to understand. I’m a fan, I really am, but they do seem to be a little crazy. I appreciate it’s probably your males that make them crazy in the first place but they can be terrifying if you upset them which I seem to have a talent for.

The last thing I’ll reference in this letter, although there are many, many, many, many, many, many more things people do to upset me, is the way none of you actually seem to like each other very much. You always seem to be in dispute over a garden fence, at war with a family member or rolling about fighting in the floor of a public house.

As I stated earlier though I want to start seeing more of the good in you. Aside from your French Policeman, a quick google search has established that you’re also responsible for the following, all of which make the world I share with you a better place:

Chocolate oranges

Yoga pants

Trampolines

Happy hour

Slippers

The Muppets (not including the annoying Frog)

Spreadable butter

Benidorm

Apparently you also invented stuff like penicillin, the wheel, space travel and the internet but I’ve yet to see indisputable evidence of this so, based on my usual experience of you, I have my doubts.

Now that we’re becoming friends I feel I can end this letter by asking for a few small favours;

Please read and share this with other people types. Will one of you marry me please? Don’t talk to me on public transport, ever.

Kind regards.

Phill

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