Max Kessler says: You always have to have a condom in your wallet and an umbrella in your trunk because you never know when you’re gonna fuck in the rain. Max Kessler says: You always have to have a condom in your wallet and an umbrella in your trunk because you never know when you're gonna fuck in the rain.

Dracula says: [Imitating Mavis] Dad, it's not a fang. Dad I don't think this is the right place for Dennis, right Johnny? [Intimidating Johnny] Oh hey dudeman, it's not me is Mavy. Hey dudeman, I'm afraid to say anything! Hey Dudeman. I'm a Dudeman! Dracula says: Dad, it's not a fang. Dad I don't think this is the right place for Dennis, right Johnny? Oh hey dudeman, it's not me is Mavy. Hey dudeman, I'm afraid to say anything! Hey Dudeman. I'm a Dudeman! Frankenstein says: Uh.. Drac? Who.. who you talking to? Shrunken Heads says: Do not disturb, The count's wigging out in here!

Nicky says: Popeye's chicken is fuckin' awesome!

Jimmy the Demon says: You were gone 10 seconds, what happened? Nicky says: I got hit by a bright light attached to a lot of metal. Satan says: That's a train, son, don't stand in front of them.

Sam Brenner says: Oh, God no! Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten says: "Oh, God no!" What? Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten says: Oh, God no what? Ludlow Lamonsoff says: He ate the power pellet. That means Pac-Man has only ten seconds before he eats us!

Sam Brenner says: I'm Donkey Kong Champion of the world. Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten says: And the Donkey Kong Champion of the world doesn't need patterns. Sam Brenner says: Reset button!

Rita says: Is there a girl you're seein? Bobby Boucher says: Seein? I see a lot of girls... I see a lot of guys too. Rita says: I think that's sexy. You ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?

Eddie "The Fire Blaster" Plant says: Guards, get me outta here! It's that mean Centipede killer! I hope he don't zap me with his space gun! Sam Brenner says: How are you, Eddie? Eddie "The Fire Blaster" Plant says: Sup, Second Place? Oh, and your sidekick here! Presidonut! I didn't know you could have an approval rating so "catatastrophic!"

Old Man says: Koufax is a good egg, he was nice to that kid but he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here miss what are you gonna do about it hahahaha. Sonny Koufax says: What are you drunk Mr Herlihy? Old Man says: Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it? Sonny Koufax says: Get off the stand please. Old Man says: You got it. Got a few problems.

Ramon says: My mother's Swedish Tommy says: I don't think so. I reckon she's Mexican. Ramon says: Lying bitch.

Max Simkin says: "i sincerely wish to commit suicide in front of my family" Max Simkin says: I sincerely wish to commit suicide in front of my family.

Sam Brenner says: Pac-Man's a bad guy?

Sam Brenner says: I've been waiting to do this since 1982.

Sam Brenner says: Are you OK? Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten says: I'm sitting in my closet and drinking chardonnay from a sippy cup. Do I look OK? Sam Brenner says: I'm gonna say no.

O'Doyle (Grade 1) says: Mortal Kombat on the Sega Genesis. It's the best video game ever. Billy Madison says: I disagree, it's a very good game but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever. O'Doyle (Grade 1) says: Donkey Kong sucks! Billy Madison says: You know something? You suck!

Dracula says: I've got to fix this kid, now!

Dracula says: We have to teach this kid how to be a monster.

Dracula says: Oh, he'll get his fangs, he's just like me...just look at him!

Dracula says: I've been the happiest vampire in the world!

Sam Brenner says: Did you play space invaders recently? Ludlow Lamonsoff says: Yes. How did you know?/Why? Ludlow Lamonsoff says: Yes. How did you know? Why? Sam Brenner says: Cuz you're invading my space. Back off.

Sam Brenner says: Also known as Ludlow Lamonsoff says: Your worst nightmare! Sam Brenner says: Why...

Ludlow Lamonsoff says: I believe that some alien life force sent down sent down real life video games to attack us. Sam Brenner says: That makes sense.

Sam Brenner says: Pac Man's a bad guy?

Happy Gilmore says: Green jacket, gold jacket who gives a crap?

Danny says: You dropped your purse. Joanna Damon says: Can I sit for ten seconds without getting hit on? Thank you. Danny says: I was just letting you know you dropped your purse.

Madam Mambuza says: Will you stop banging those drums! Salesman says: I'm sorry. I'm just really getting into your story.

Michael Newman says: Your dad's stereo blows? That's too bad. Kevin O'Doyle says: That's not what I said. That's not what I said!!!!

Samantha Newman says: Daddy how much longer are you gonna live? Michael Newman says: One minute... Samantha Newman says: One minute! Daddy not one minute! Michael Newman says: Oh no I'm not dying. I'm gonna live for 200 years. Is that enough for you and me?

Michael Newman says: Hey! There are families here! Show some respect you pieces of shit! Firecracker Teen says: Shut up old man! Michael Newman says: Don't light another damn one! Firecracker Teen says: Ooooh!!!!

Donna Newman says: She has so many problems why do you have to be so mean? Michael Newman says: I don't know. I mean, hello?

Janine says: You know way too much about me. I never should've done that Montel Williams show. Michael Newman says: Even Montel Williams thought you were crazy and he's seen a lot of shit. Janine says: I was desperate for companionship. All of my husbands emotionally abandoned me. Michael Newman says: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. Your a horn dog. Donna Newman says: Michael!

Michael Newman says: Samantha? Since when did you get boobs? Samantha at 14 Years Old says: Same time you did dad.

Davey Stone says: Smell ya later, poopsicle!

Whitey Duvall says: Technical foul!

Michael Newman says: Cool. I can skip chapters!

Michael Newman says: Cool. I can skip chapters!

Michael Newman says: Cool. I can skip chapters!

Barry Egan says: I laugh. I laugh and laugh, even when I'm alone.

Professor says: Well! Mama's wrong again! Bobby Boucher says: No, You're wrong Colonel Sanders.

Barry Egan says: I didn't ask for a shrink, that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning, and I don't have a crying problem.

Barry Egan says: You can go to places in the world with pudding. That's funny.

Barry Egan says: At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom. I'm sorry.

Barry Egan says: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty. Lena Leonard says: I want to chew your face and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them. Barry Egan says: Ok. This is funny. This is nice.

Barry Egan says: I don't know if there is anything wrong, because I don't know how other people are.

Barry Egan says: I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me that's that, before I beat the hell from you.

Donny says: Who the fuck is rich in this house?

Happy Gilmore says: uh oh happy learned how to putt Happy Gilmore says: Uh oh, Happy learned how to putt.

Dracula says: what my hand in a stan shoes? Dracula says: What my hand in a stan shoes? Jonathan says: what japan eating lamb stew? Jonathan says: What japan eating lamb stew?

Lenny Feder says: Open the window.

Dracula says: Human blood is so fatty and you never know where its been.

Happy Gilmore says: The price is wrong, bitch.

Charlie Fineman says: "I'm more worried about you, Johnson. I'm more worried about you." Charlie Fineman says: I'm more worried about you, Johnson. I'm more worried about you.

Dracula says: I always thought the worst thing ever would be seeing you go, but the worst is seeing you unhappy.

Billy Madison says: WHERE'S MY SNACK PACK?! Billy Madison says: Where's my snack pack! Juanita says: I thought I was yo snack pack?? Juanita says: I thought I was your snack pack?

Longfellow Deeds says: I got wicked bad frost bite when I was in the scouts. Check it out.

Longfellow Deeds says: You said that you didn't know who I was, and it made me realize... I don't know who I am. So I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far: My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Sayasset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair colour is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite, and... and I really did have that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice, or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love that... Longfellow Deeds says: You said that you didn't know who I was and it made me realize, I don't know who I am. So I started working on it and here's what I've got so far; My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Sayasset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair color is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite and I really did have that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka. and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance because I am so deeply in love with you and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love. Longfellow Deeds says: You're crazy. You have beautiful ankles.

Longfellow Deeds says: Oh, I get it... You all invited me here so you could look down on me. Well, let me tell you that here you may all laugh at me, but down in Mandrake Falls we would laugh at you all. Longfellow Deeds says: Oh, I get it.You all invited me here so you could look down on me. Well, let me tell you that here you may all laugh at me, but down in Mandrake Falls we would laugh at you all.

Longfellow Deeds says: You didn't really fall out of an apple tree, did you?

Longfellow Deeds says: Don't be nervous, go ahead. Didn't feel it. Isn't that awesome. Oh, yeah, enjoy the force. I know you're starting to like it aren't ya? You sick! You sick! Why would you do that to me? I'm just kidding you, pal.

Longfellow Deeds says: I can't run a company... I can't even run my own life! Longfellow Deeds says: I can't run a company. I can't even run my own life!

Babe Bennett says: I'm of Swedish ancestry. Longfellow Deeds says: Really? Babe Bennett says: Yes. My grandfather was in ABBA.

Longfellow Deeds says: I promise to love you for fifty years more / Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor. Longfellow Deeds says: I promise to love you for fifty years more. Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor.

Longfellow Deeds says: How did I get into these pajamas? Emilio says: I changed you. I was very gentle, sir.

Longfellow Deeds says: Oh, no. They're gonna know my name is Longfellow.

Longfellow Deeds says: Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.

Jan says: I always wanted to be a man! Longfellow Deeds says: Okay, well I guess that explains a lot... Longfellow Deeds says: Okay, well I guess that explains a lot.

Longfellow Deeds says: So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben? Reuben says: Oh, it has its ups and downs.

Longfellow Deeds says: Holy shit. Let's get cracking.

Longfellow Deeds says: Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac.

Longfellow Deeds says: How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it. Crazy Eyes says: Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.

Longfellow Deeds says: It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

Longfellow Deeds says: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!

Palmer says: [finds wedding ring in Danny's bag] What's this? Danny says: A circle?

Palmer says: I can't wait to Twitter this to all my friends. Katherine says: Oh, I forgot, you're 15. [Danny accidentally kicks Palmer with the intention of kicking Katherine] Palmer says: Ouch! Did you just kick me? Danny says: No I did not. Did you just kick her? Why did you kick her?

Brian Madison says: Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you are looking for? Billy Madison says: Here's a nice piece of shit!

Veronica says: Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine. Billy Madison says: Sixty nine!

Veronica says: Don't you think it's a little pathetic that just because of who your is Father, you get to do school all over again? Veronica says: Don't you think it's a little pathetic that just because of who your father is, you get to do school all over again? Billy Madison says: Yes, I do.

Brian Madison says: Billy, could you step in here a moment? I have big news. Billy Madison says: ERIC, IS PREGNANT? Billy Madison says: ERIC IS PREGNANT?

Billy Madison says: I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Billy Madison says: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school. Juanita says: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits. Billy Madison says: Oh my God. I'll go to school.

Bobby Boucher says: Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity? Mama Boucher says: That's nonsense, I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the Devil!

Bobby Boucher says: Excuse me, ladies, while I just go hang myself.

Mama Boucher says: Bobby, deh ever catch dat gorilla that busted outa da zoo and punched you in da eye? Bobby Boucher says: No Mama, the search continues.

Bobby Boucher says: And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies and I like them too!

Jonathan says: Are these monster gonna kill me? Dracula says: Not as long as they think you're a monster. Jonathan says: That's kinda of racist.

Dracula says: Good morning Mavey Wavey!

Lenny Feder says: Are you peeing or is a diesel truck turning off? What the hell is that?

Marcus Higgins says: Can you have sex with them when they're pregnant? Lenny Feder says: Well, McKenzie can because the baby thinks it's getting a Tootsie roll.

Lenny Feder says: Where is Sascatchatoon?

Marcus Higgins says: Hey, what's up, Lenny? Buddy, I thought you were gonna start working out. Lenny Feder says: What does that mean? Marcus Higgins says: Um... you're fat.

Robbie Hart says: But the worst thing is: that Me, Fatty, Sideburns Lady, and the mutants over at Table 9, will never ever find a way to better the situation, because apparently we have nothing to offer the opposite sex.

Robbie Hart says: Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

Robbie Hart says: I don't even know your last name. Glen Gulia says: It's Guglia. [says it Gulia] Robbie Hart says: Guglia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Guglia. Julia Guglia! That's funny! Glen Gulia says: [unamused] Why is that funny? Robbie Hart says: I - don't know.

Davey Stone says: *singing* if i make fun of your crazy feet, or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes Whitey Duvall says: *singing* That's not only a technical foul...but possibly a homicide

Michael Newman says: What is this a porno or something? Is that my parents?! Morty says: They're making you. Like bunny rabbits. Michael Newman says: Get me outta here!

Donny says: I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here.

Donny says: I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here.

Jill Sadelstein says: (to Otto) You don't look homeless to me, you're fat! You're Al Quida! Jill Sadelstein says: [to Otto] You don't look homeless to me, you're fat! You're Al Quida!

Donny says: Awww come on Vanilla bean latte...