Reader Don’t Want Skincare Help writes,

I am a mom of two and I work full time. I try and use social media to de-stress but I have a friend who continually messages me about selling me skincare products, I won’t mention the brand but it’s very popular on Facebook now. It is getting very awkward, she has invited me to numerous events and is always “checking in” to see if I “am satisfied with my current regimen.” I am losing my patience and running out of excuses. Is there a way to tell her to lay off while still being polite?

Dear DWSH,

I hear you, and many of my friends, and even clients, complain about this same thing. But there is a clue as to why your methods of refusal aren’t working, and it is the word “excuse.” I have been solicited by many, many people who sell skincare products online, but I have never spoken to any of them about their products more than once or possibly twice. This is either because I don’t give excuses, or because my skin is so beautiful and glowing that they realize upon second thought that I don’t need anything but soap and water to look this fresh and ethereal (hint: it’s the first reason).

When people give excuses, it can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings on both sides. Remember, this skincare consultant is trying to get her trip to Disney or her Lexus (or dance lessons for her kids or food on her table), she is not just trying to be annoying for the heck of it. Try and empathize with her. Every time that she puts you on her “maybe” column in her Excel spreadsheet or whatever, she is wasting her own time if you never end up buying. And she’s continuing to annoy the $%# out of her friend, which, if she was aware of it, would probably be very embarrassing for her.

I cannot imagine that there are many well-adjusted people who would be personally offended by a friend outright saying that they do not have the interest or budget for their product. I know I have never lost a friendship over my lack of interest in a friend’s product. But I can see many people being offended by being strung along by excuses like, “Oh shoot, I have something else that night, but tell me when you’re having your next event.” (Of course, if your friend is particularly narcissistic or sensitive, she may act passive aggressive or rude toward you following your refusal, but if this is her personality, cooling the friendship would not be a bad thing overall.)

I suggest that you immediately tell your friend, “You know, I’m really sorry I never said this before, but XYZ skincare isn’t really my thing. I would love to get together sometime soon though.” Then do some deep level introspection into your people-pleasing tendencies and where you learned that it’s “mean” or “bad” to just say no. Many women struggle with this, and when you can push through it and learn to assert yourself, it is liberating.

Best of luck with your continued soap and water “regimen.” But if you’re in the market for something new, can I recommend St. Ives’ Apricot Scrub? It is $3.50 and I have used it for 25 years, meaning since I was negative 1 year old, of course. Just kidding! Negative 2. Thanks for writing in, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Urges You To Just Say No.

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This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person

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