Ever had a birthday party in the office?

If you have, you know that it’s usually celebrated with a streamer-covered cubicle, a signed birthday card, and a mid-afternoon birthday cake. And while everyone says they don’t want that cake, let’s be honest: after you start to include it in your diet two to three times a week, you can’t stop jonesing for that two o’clock sugar rush.

Of course, after the parties happen the partially-eaten leftovers find their way to the office kitchen. Now, if you want to get in on the game, you’ll need to follow these Top 4 Tips For Scoring Leftover Office Cake:

1. Keep extra plastic forks and paper plates at your desks. Because how many times do you happen upon a partially-devoured cake, only to notice that there’s nothing to eat it with? Put up your icing smeared hand if you’ve ever just dug into that cake anyway. Yeah, I’m talking about slicing the cake with a coffee stirrer, using a piece of paper from the printer as your plate, and just tossing the cake back like a crumbly Jello shooter. It’s not pretty and it’s sort of crossing the line between Friendly Coworker and Office Raccoon. I say don’t be the raccoon. Keep the cutlery at your desk.

2. Do your cubicle rounds. On your way into work in the morning, make sure you do your cubicle rounds. You know, just checking out if anyone’s cubicle is all decorated for their birthday. If you spot one, it’s a good omen of cake to come.

3. Buddy up. When they find cake, they tell you. When you find cake, you tell them. There’s always enough to go around, so why not double your odds of scoring an icing flower? You know you have a great Cake Buddy when you find a piece of cake covered by a napkin just sitting at your desk when you get back from a meeting. Now that’s service. Make sure to thank them with a corner piece next time.

4. Know the peak times. Office birthday parties nearly always happen in the afternoon because this allows someone to hastily run out and grab a cake at lunch. So make sure you’re ready and aware of those mid-afternoon ‘fake meetings’ that turn into office birthday parties. Also, it doesn’t hurt to swing by the kitchen at 2:30 to see what’s cooking, if you catch my drift.

Now these are all great methods for how to score leftover cake from the office kitchen, but what happens if you’re invited to the actual office birthday party itself? Well, don’t you worry, we’ve got you covered with one big rule: If you’re at the party, don’t be the Table Setter, Servant, or Salesman. You must make a strong effort to avoid these three dreaded office party tasks because they will delay your cake eating:

The Table-Setter: the person who is assigned the role of finding plastic forks, paper plates, or drink cups at the last minute. It’s just no fun leaving the party to run around and beg for Styrofoam. Best to show up a bit late or mingle undetected in the back. The Servant: the person who ends up closest to the cake… just in time to cut it for everyone! Yeah, now you’re stuck trying to split up those much-too-thin paper plates, put a fork on each one, and slice that cake right on up. It’s a lot of pressure being the Servant, because everybody is always crowding around you and yelling things like “No, no, no, half that size!” And it can all happen so fast that you don’t even realize you’re The Servant until you find yourself in the bathroom twenty minutes later awkwardly washing the cake knife with cold water and paper towels. The Salesman: the person who takes the cut pieces of cake and walks around the room selling them to everybody. If you get the job, your best move is simply asking “Who doesn’t have a piece yet?” and then waving the cake in people’s face until they take it off your hands.

So that’s it, ladies and gentlemen. Now you’ve got it down. Bring on the sugar comas, because you’re entering a world of all cake all the time.

And it will be glorious.

AWESOME!

Photos form: here, here, here, and here