THE House of Commons has voted to give Boris Johnson a solid boot in the stones before he even starts.

A clear majority of MPs backed an amendment to not even say anything and just kick the incoming prime minister hard in the nadsack, leaving him curled on the floor gasping for breath.

Julian Cook, Tory MP for Swindon South, said: “Theoretically it could be Jeremy Hunt, if he wins the leadership contest and actually has nuts. But we all know it’ll be Boris.

“We’ll see how much chutzpah and charisma he’s got when he’s writhing on the carpet clutching his testicles in agonising pain. And optimism. Don’t forget optimism.

“17 of Boris’s fellow Tories volunteered to unexpectedly hold his arms at the end of a corridor while the chosen striker takes a run-up. Four cabinet ministers have confirmed they would stand by, arms folded, and let it happen.

“Who the actual b*llock-kicker will be is undecided. Probably one of the SNP. In this area you’ve got to defer to the Scots’ authority.”

Cook added: “As a bonus there’ll be no sex scandals for the first fortnight. Which gets us about halfway through Boris’s time in office.”