Reasons We Can’t Have a Baby, Honey

I would no longer be able to skydive while on PCP.

We can’t afford two of every toy I would want.

Honestly, I just don’t think we have the room.

The air conditioner is already full of peanuts.

It’s cats or babies, not cats and babies.

I don’t want to give other parents the satisfaction.

The apartment is barely adultproof.

It’s a scam.

My grandparents were born during World War I, my parents during World War II, and we were both born during Vietnam. I vowed a long time ago that my child wouldn’t be born while America was at war. Well, wouldn’t you know it, now we’re in a Global War on Terror with no end in sight!

We might choke on one of its little toys.

I’m afraid I would run afoul of the rugged brand of frontier justice babies administer.

The baby might grow up to be president, just not a very good one.

Train stations make babies nervous. You know I’ve always dreamed of owning and operating a small railway siding.

We won’t be able to play that game where we put plastic bags on our heads anymore. That’s a fun game.

The batteries in the digital camera are dangerously low as is.