With restaurants and cafes closed down for the foreseeable future, it’s really important that we all learn some simple recipes that we can make by ourselves in the comfort of our own homes. And what better way to sharpen your culinary skills during these trying times than by learning to make weed butter! It’s easy, it’s relaxing, and the best part is, you don’t even need actual weed flower to make a good batch (we hope! We’re totally out of greenery at this point). So we’ve compiled some simple steps to make weed butter with just seeds and stems, though we are open to suggestions, please tell us, our weed dealer won’t text us back.

Gather your seeds and stems.

This first step is the most important! Look through all the jars, envelopes, and film canisters you’ve used to hold your pot in the past and gather whatever seeds and stems you can. You may even try scraping the bottom of your grinder, or at least that’s what we’re doing. We have none left and we’re dying for anything to get us high. Kief counts, we think!

Get some butter simmering.

While you’re on your hunter gatherer mission, get a few sticks of butter simmering on the stove. You wanna make sure that it’s on the lowest setting possible, or else you risk your finished product having a burnt taste, and you don’t want that! Especially us, considering we’re using the bare minimum, even though that constitutes all we have left because fucking Jared refuses to answer a text. We get that it’s a pandemic, but aren’t delivery guys considered essential employees? We’re freaking out here!

Wait.

The next step in the process is to take whatever you’ve gathered, throw it in the butter, and just wait. It’s not like you haven’t got the time. We certainly do! We’re stuck in the house with five total roommates and three apples and one weed dealer who we are positive is ignoring us. Literally not one of our other roomie’s has even a crumb of pot and they’re all being useless when it comes to finding someone else. You honestly don’t know anyone? Not one of you can give me a referral? I know there have to be some business-minded kingpins out there who don’t mind making their delivery people ride through a literal pandemic. Please help!

Strain it and let it cool.

Your butter will be done after a few hours. Strain it through some cheesecloth if you have it, and then put it into a container to cool down. In just a little while, you’ll be free to use for baking or cooking or whatever! Get a little stoned, why don’t you? We probably won’t, because ours likely has barely any THC in it because we made it from literal scraps. Jesus Christ, you think you’ll be fine during a quarantine and then some shit like this happens. Do any of y’all have a contact? We’ll tip them extra well, seriously!

Whether for yourself or to gift to a friend (from a safe distance, of course), weed butter is not only versatile, but also a great way to distract your consciousness from all the bad happening. In our case, part of the bad is that we have no weed and no one willing to bring us any for any price. Good to know for the next pandemic!