Trigger warning: This essay is about America's growing Nazi problem. Some Nazis may be offended.

Democrats are on the hunt for Nazis. Their own elected officials tell us so. Senators and congressmen assure us that in Donald Trump's America "hate is on the rise." Nobody can feel safe, they say. Not Jews, not blacks, not immigrants, not women, not even American Indians drumming in the faces of young school boys. Everyone must be on constant guard for hate. It must be confronted and nipped in the bud. If you're not sure who is spreading this hate, look for red ball caps with catchy political slogans. Otherwise, your default presumption should always be that white males, no matter how ordinarily dressed, are secretly plotting to oppress, harass, and threaten you. Sometimes they do so with smiles on their faces while opening doors.

The important thing to know is that Democrats are all over this problem. They have lawmakers all across America pursuing legislation that targets language for its hatefulness. No longer will people have to sit back and endure distasteful points of view; there are now laws that will allow us to throw people in jail based on what they say and write. Thank goodness we have reached the Enlightenment's final stage of liberalism, where we finally understand the danger of words. It has always been an oversight of freedom. Some words are hateful and must be banished. In fact, every day, more and more words are discovered to be hateful, and it turns out there is no shortage of people who believe they have the right to use them. Here's the important lesson: if you hear or read something from a person you believe to be oppressing you, then it is best to report that person's words so he can be added to the list of things we are not allowed to say.

Next to the list of banished words is the list of approved education. Democrats are here to inform, not influence. It is appalling that in this year of 20 A.G. (After Gore), there are still people perpetuating the lie that man-made global warming is a con meant to justify huge increases in taxation, expanded government coercion, and international socialism. Just the idea that people could be so ignorant as to believe that the very molecule they exhale with every breath is not also a pollutant that will force us to cut back on those allowed to exhale boggles the mind. If you can't understand that killing off four fifths of the global population and returning to Stone-Age comforts is necessary in order to prevent free markets from destroying the modern world, then you are brainwashed and beyond reach. The best we can do now is censor any of your pseudo-science research from publication so the larger public's enthusiasm for one-world government is not dampened.

This goes for sex and babies, too. The Dark-Ages superstition of believing that XX and XY chromosomal pairings determine whether a person's DNA contains the genes unique to males is so absurd that it hardly merits discussion. Anyone who refuses to believe that genetics is simply a social construct imposed on one's state of mind is living in an age before science and should be openly mocked. If you don't believe that men can have babies, then you probably live in a red state where education is low and concentration of Nazis is high. If you don't believe that males should shower with high school girls after gym class, you are a Nazi. This goes, too, for the outdated patriarchal notion that an expectant father should have any say in what happens to the baby who shares half his DNA. If, after a suitable amount of time has passed after birth, the mother decides to keep the baby, then by all means that the sperm donor is financially beholden to that child for the rest of his life. Until that time, however, interfering with a woman's choice to cancel her pregnancy up to and including delivery is nothing less than an assault on her constitutional rights and an unacceptable threat to her "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness." When Thomas Jefferson wrote those words, he said nothing about the life and liberty of an unwanted fetus. You would think the very Nazis who prattle on about originalism and the "Founding Fathers" would understand that a baby doesn't have any rights until the man/woman giving birth makes it official with a legal birth certificate.

That's what happens when you give fascism room to breathe, though. Nazis begin to insist that the constitution protects everyone, even those too premature to speak up.

That brings us to guns. For too long, Nazis in America have been untouchable because they own all the weapons. That is why Democrats have a plan to end this injustice once and for all. There is no reason in the modern world why anyone needs a weapon to survive. Supermarkets give us food, not hunters. Anyone claiming otherwise is lying to you, or worse, secretly arming himself against the government. There is absolutely no reason in a free society for anyone but the police, military, and federal agencies to be heavily armed. An armed country is a dangerous country. That is why Democrats have the wisdom and strength to demand all citizens hand over their weapons as their first piece of legislation. They have made a promise to the people that they will collect all the guns before pursuing any fundamental changes to the nation in the future.

But before they do that, they have to get rid of the Nazi in the White House. Because Americans refuse to do what's in their best interest, Democrats will do it for them. It's never really about the votes, after all. It's about who counts the votes, and in 2020, Democrats will make certain that Democrats are counting the votes. Just to be certain, they've spent years preparing for every contingency. While American Nazis go overseas to die for American freedom, Democrats have been building a secret army of anti-fascists right here at home. They are trained, armed, and ready to go. Democratic mayors have been giving them space to breathe and grow for years. Unlike the Nazis in America, Democrats know their history. Using armed paramilitary units in uniform under the color of law is exactly how Heinrich Himmler transformed a little-known outfit of beer hall troublemakers into one of the most feared agencies of surveillance and terror throughout Europe. Whereas he used his thugs for fascism, Democrats will use their peaceful protesters for socialism. There is a big difference.

So, to the American Nazis out there, know this: you have nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, and no future in front of you. Democrats will save freedom from itself, even if they must put some of us up against a wall before tearing it down. They know what they're doing. They have met the enemy; from every mirror, he stares back at them.

Image: Louis P. Hirshman via Wikimedia Commons.