Since The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht is copyrighted 1999, it must have been written and put through the pre-print process before the 2000 election and therefore the book was ahead of its time as far offering fear mongering to the American public is concerned. The two authors warn readers: "When a life is imperiled or a dire situation is at hand, safe alternatives may not exist."

Since the book’s publication, the Bush Administration has brought fear and paranoia to a fever pitch in the United States, but, for someone who is really good at worrying, it seems possible that Piven, Borgenicht, Bush, Homeland Security, et al may have missed the biggest, baddest, most screwed-up possibility of them all.

Sit back, relax, have a tall refreshing glass of Diet Pepsi Vanilla (if you can still find one) and enjoy(?) this hypothetical example of Uberspeculation called: The Decline and Fall of Democracy in the United States."

While the attention of the mainstream media (MSM) is diverted by the 2008 Presidential election, some in the online Casandra Chorus decry the continued use of electronic voting machines which leave no paper trail and are (Do a Google search for "F2654hD4") vulnerable to tampering.

Anchors on the various TV news programs don’t want to jeopardize their image as omniscient voices in the night, and so they will accept the dictates of the conservative talk show hosts (union?) and dismiss the alarm as the baseless blatherings of deranged individuals who are envious of the prestige accorded to the successors to the mantel once worn by Edward R.Murrow.

As the November election day approaches, the media becomes hypnotized by polls which indicate that the final results for the November elections will provide liberal pundits with material that calls for comparisons to Custer’s Last Stand, and/or (if one subscribes to the "Stop Hillary Express" philosophy)the time a mob unanimously granted freedom to Barabas.

On the day after the elections, the results that are posted will show that the Republican candidates in strongly Democratic districts have won with majorities that are up in the 90% of the vote range. The Presidential election will show a similarly obviously unreliable result. The "defeated" Democrats, lead by the Presidential nominee, will be presented with the same dilemma that Al Gore once had to face: Contest the results in court or concede to sham results. Either way, the conservatives will be satisfied.

The public outrage will reach explosive levels ("the whole world is watching") and the Democrats will either concede defeat or reluctantly file a tsunami of law suits contesting the election results. The Republican "winners" will quickly file counter suits alleging "harassment."

President Bush succumbs to another "pretzel incident," which is fatal. Vice President Cheney will quickly be sworn in (in December) and face the dilemma about what to do about the political gridlock that will have gripped the United States in this bit of prognostication. Some folks will want the sham Republican "winners" sworn in on Inauguration Day of 2009. The Democrats will want the results to be invalidated and have the Democratic candidates sworn into office.

The animosity in the nation between the "reds" and the "blues" (fanned by the rabid rantings of the conservative talk show hosts who follow in the footsteps of Father Coughlin) will be whipped up to the boiling point. The emotional level of the rancor will be just about equal to that which exists between the Sunni and Shi’ite Muslim sects and the possibility for a calm and measured response to the crisis will be about equal to the chance that the two Muslim groups will forgive and forget at a peace conference brokered by the Pope.

Cheney "freezes" things because of the confusion and uncertainty and, using "temperary" emergency powers, continues his term in office while the various lawsuits are handled in a safe, sane and consensual (civilized and proscribed) way. Unfortunately, the process will take years of litigation and haggling.

At about that same time, a conversion of TV signals from analogue to digital becomes a SNAFU (Situation Normal; All Fouled Up) of the enoumous proportions that is to be expected during the Bush Era. Because of that, the TV news coverage of the political bickering is mostly unavailable to the public. The old "no one could foresee these possibilities" argument, which were so useful when the War in Iraq failed to live up to expectations, are revived in a way that seems rehearsed and coordinated. Cheney will use troops to restore calm and maintain order. The temporary emergency will last a long time.

At that point, wouldn’t it be convenient if the Internets suffered a hack that brings it to a temporary halt and deprived the voters of that source of news and information?

Are columns eligible to win one of the annual awards from the Horror Writers of America? How can we submit this column for consideration?

Ursula K. Le Guin wrote: "He had grown up in a country run by politicians who sent the pilots to man the bombers to kill the babies to make the world safer for children to grow up in."

Now, the disk jockey will ring in the New Year by playing John Lennon’s recording of Imagine and we will tell Scotty to beam us up into a new year. Have a great New Year’s and we will end this column with Dave Garroway’s old sign-off: "Peace!"

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About author Bob Patterson has been a police beat reporter in Pennsylvania, Nevada, and California. He has been an editor in Santa Monica and currently is eking out a meager existence freelancing in the Los Angeles area. Contact Bob at Bob Patterson has been a police beat reporter in Pennsylvania, Nevada, and California. He has been an editor in Santa Monica and currently is eking out a meager existence freelancing in the Los Angeles area. Contact Bob at worldslaziestjournalist@yahoo.com