Sorry, but the “Christmas Shoes” songs just doesn’t tug at my heart strings. Probably because I fucking hate being stuck in line behind someone who doesn’t have enough money to buy the shit they brought to the counter. Any time I hear that song, I instantly think of all the shit that was likely going through the minds of the customers behind this kid as he holds up the line. Here are the 10 thoughts most likely going through their heads:

1. “What the fuck is this kid doing out by himself on Christmas Eve?”

2. “Control yourself, Randy. The minute you offer to pay for this kid’s shoes, To Catch A Predator is gonna come storming in here and ask what you’re doing.”

3. “If Jesus is impressed by penny loafers, we’re all fucked.”

4. “This is what I get for coming to Payless on Christmas Eve. Fuck my life.”

5. “Would it kill them to open another lane?”

6. “I should try this bullshit at Foot Locker when the new Jordans come out.”

7. “I guarantee we’re gonna hear change hit the counter at some point during this scam. I guaran…fucking..tee we will hear cha…and there it is. Un-fucking-believable.”

8. “God it would be hilarious if they were the wrong size.”

9. “She’s going to heaven, not the fucking Kentucky Derby. Why does it matter what she’s wearing? Fuck me, man.”

10. “Oh shit. Crocs are half off.”