HOUSTON—Saying the data confirm that the demographic is so awful and mean, a study released Friday by a team of sobbing, red-faced scientists at Rice University found that 100 percent of teenagers are “huge fucking assholes.” “They’re all just jerks and we hate them,” said sniffling lead author Phil Gunnig, who in a voice hoarse from crying added that both males and females between the ages of 13 and 19 consistently demonstrated signs of being “stupid idiot turds” who act like they’re your friends at first but just end up making fun of your research techniques when you turn your back. “Once children reach puberty and become teenagers, their brains rapidly develop quite sophisticated cognitive structures for treating people like shit even though you’re nice and didn’t do anything to them and just want to be left alone. Especially Jenna, who’s such a bitch.” Gunnig reportedly then fled the press conference in tears, locked himself in his office, and announced through the door he was never coming out again.

Advertisement