ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

One of the nation’s most notorious wet markets has been banned from selling the world’s most trafficked animal from today.

The Prahran Wet Markets, in Melbourne’s leafy park cricket district, has been ordered by Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews to stop the sale and consumption of pangolins after the animal was determined to be the root cause of the COVID-19 coronavirus.

Speaking to the media this morning from the steps of Melbourne Town Hall, Mr Andrews said eating pangolin, which has been a staple of the Victorian diet for generations, must come to an end.

“It is clearer now more than ever that we Victorians must stop eating pangolins,” he said.

“While they are delicious, they have also proven to be deadly. Over 100 000 people have died from this virus. Imagine a dead person sitting in every seat of the G! Oh wait, I don’t have to! Just tune in to any Demons home game! [laughs]”

“No, sorry. This is serious. I know there are many pangolin butchers at the Prahran Wet Markets now who must feel nervous and worried about their future. The Victorian government is here to help you and make your transition into new work seamless. Thank you.”

The news has been met with shock and panic among many Victorians who say eating pangolin is part of their identity.

A Melbourne man who now calls Betoota home spoke to our reporter via a laptop computer about the news this morning.

While disappointed, Samuel John Phant said he understood why this had to happen in light of recent news.

“You can’t get pangolin anywhere in Queensland because Queensland is part of the developing world,” he said with his Victorian leg tennis team’s scarf around his neck.

“All I can find that tastes pretty much the same is Brahman hump and even that’s no good. I’m sad that I will never get to eat a corned pangolin sandwich again. My Granny used to take me down to the Prahan [Wet] Markets when I was a boy. Oh, how I miss those days. But if what they say is true, that pangolin is the root cause of COVID-19, then so be it,”

“Wet markets are a pillar of Victorian culture, much the same as the surf club is here in Queensland. How would you feel if the Queensland government came into surf clubs and banned Pelican Pete? It’s the same thing. You probably think Sam Newman isn’t funny, too?”

More to come.