Can a flagpole file a harassment lawsuit? Because Old Glory seemed horrified when President Trump enveloped her in an unreciprocated bear hug at the Conservative Political Action Conference last Saturday—proving that the president endorses not only grabbing women by their private parts but inanimate objects as well. Then again, maybe the commander in chief was just looking for a buddy? This hasn’t been the greatest week for the leader of the free world: His summit with North Korea has collapsed, his trade policies are resulting in record- high deficits, his blasted wall is far from being built, and he has even broken up with his old sweetheart, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, going so far as to call her in a tweet a “wacky nut job.” Guess who is eyeing a presidential pardon? Well, for one, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, sentenced on Thursday following a conviction of a host of financial fraud crimes. Manafort received a mere 47 months behind bars, which must have been a delightful surprised to this felon, since the sentencing guidelines recommended a 19- to 24-year stint. The judge didn’t just raise eyebrows with that sentencing gift, he also stated, to universal astonishment, that Manafort, who spent decades working for the world’s most heinous dictators, had lived “an otherwise blameless life.” But another shoe is yet to drop: Next week, a different judge will sentence him on two conspiracy counts, charges that each carry a maximum of five years, which could potentially add years to his time in the pokey.

Did former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen seek a pardon as well? Cohen seemed pretty credible on the witness stand on February 27 when he said, “I have never asked for it, nor would I accept a pardon from President Trump.” (But then again, Cohen is going to prison for lying, so you gotta wonder.) Despite his denial, The Washington Post reports that Cohen had instructed his lawyer to discuss a pardon with Trump’s people, back when the two were still thick as thieves. The president himself weighed in on the matter on Friday, tweeting, “Bad lawyer and fraudster Michael Cohen said under sworn testimony that he never asked for a pardon. His lawyers totally contradicted him. He lied! Additionally, he directly asked me for a pardon. I said no. He lied again! He also badly wanted to work at the White House. He lied!”