From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

NOVEMBER 2: VOTE for DEMOCRATS

Okay, America, you've rightfully made your point quite clear. You're mad. Angry. Pissed. Disappointed. Confused. Scared. Poorer. Joblesser. And because Democrats control Congress and the White House, you're planning to either vote for Republicans out of anger or no one at all out of indifference. Gotcha.

Lemme tell you something. I'm pissed, too. At the politicians, sure, but also at you. Because you may be about to make one of the most misguided mistakes in modern history by turning over the reins to the Republicans at a time when we can least afford to have 'em running around with gavels in their hands.

Read this carefully: the only time we can ever afford to have modern-day Republicans in power is when things are already really, really good . Then, when they immediately start fucking things up---as they inevitably will---we can at least absorb the blow and survive. But as of today things still suck really bad. And with Republicans in power you can count on things sucking even worse---as in, down the drain.

Republican leadership amounts to giving millionaires daily tongue baths and turning everything over to the private sector so that America becomes the Land of the Almighty Shareholder. That worked out real well in September, 2008---the month the GOP-loving Wall Street slicksters turned the gleaming American dream into a pile of rubble.

Republican ideology is made of "facts" they conjure out of bullshit, which they make palatable by throwing them into Rupert Murdoch's Easy-to-Half-Bake media oven and coating 'em with globs of red, white and blue Freedom Frosting and a bunch of sparkly candles of mass distraction. Yum---brainwash cake is so dewicious!

Oh, and Republicans think it's cute to make a game out of saying NO to everything, even good things and useful things and responsible things that would've made life a little better or easier for you and me. Isn’t that helpful! Y'know what intelligent people call someone who runs around saying NO to everything all the time? A three-year-old who needs a nap.

Republicans' words, their deeds, their plans and their actual record of accomplishment are what landed us in our current shithole. All modern Republican leaders know how to do is steal from the poor, give to the rich, foist their angry god on everyone, and break things. That seems to be their reason for being. (And those rare GOP candidates who have a sliver of decency in them? You may have noticed they're getting booted left and right by their own people---the ones who dress up like George Washington and threaten armed revolution if they don’t get their way.)

The Democratic leadership is guilty of sucking, too, no doubt. But here's the difference: Republicans want to prevent or reverse progress, Democrats actually make progress...just too slowly for our liking.

The stimulus was too small. It only created or saved over 3,000,000 jobs, prevented a wholesale depression, and fixed a whole bunch of broken stuff that Republicans ignored when they were in power. (And you do realize that a third of the money was in the form of almighty tax cuts, right?)

The recovery is taking too long...even though any sane person knows that the damage was so bad that we'll be lucky to emerge from it in, say, five years even under the best of circumstances. At what point do We The People finally get it into our heads that instant gratification is pretty much limited to junk food and masturbation? We're suffering now because we were encouraged to not think beyond our next credit card transaction. I still remember the previous Republican president giving us executive orders to go shopping, shopping, shopping and home buying, home buying, home buying. And we did. And now...here we are.

The health care bill wasn't grand enough, even though tomorrow, September 23, is the day when parents can start keeping their kids on their policies through age 26, when you can no longer get kicked off your policy because you get sick, when you'll no longer bump into lifetime coverage limits, and when kids can't be denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition. The mandate forcing us to buy health insurance, which kicks in a few years from now, worries me, I'll admit. But look at the good that lies in just those four benefits above. That's some serious ulcer prevention right there, man.

So progress by the Democratic leadership is too slow. I agree. It is. But it's progress . Vote for Republicans and we get a minimum of two years of no progress. Hell, they're slappin' themselves on the back for their brilliant plan to shut off the lights and go golfing if they take back the House. That's right---they're advertising that a vote for Republicans is a vote to shut down the government. You'd have to be off yer rocker to think that's a good thing.

The United States government is fucking frustrating to watch. It really is. It's populated with wankers on both sides working under often-batty rules and they drive everyone crazy. But one side gets good stuff done and one side doesn't. One side cares about you and one side really doesn't. Both sides get massive pressure from billionaires and corporations to do their bidding (against you!), but only one side puts up something resembling resistance. One side embraces equality for minorities and one side certainly does not. One side embraces real science and one side embraces junk science. One side doesn't believe in scaring the pants off you any which way it can and the other side can't go a day without doing it (Gay marriage will destroy civilization! The smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud! Obama wants to impose Sharia law!). Guess which side is which?

There is nothing rah-rah about these midterm elections, America. Nothing. It's just not that kind of year. If I don’t see a single piece of confetti or hear one brass band I won’t care in the least. All I want is for you and everyone in your sphere of influence to circle November 2 on your calendars and vote to keep Democrats in the majority. If you do, we'll continue our slow but steady recovery despite the lockstep obstruction the minority Republicans will keep throwing up. If you don't, well, we won't.

Love him or hate him, President Obama is right about one thing: When you put your car in "D" and hit the gas it goes forward. When you put it in "R" and hit the gas you go backwards. And if John Boehner or Mitch McConnell are at the wheel, they'll back us right off a cliff. I know this for a fact because, at 46, I'm old enough to know from experience that that's...what...Republicans... do .

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]