Last August, I made the move from my liberal bubble in Austin, Texas to the former Soviet Union country of Estonia. I decided to attend school in Europe not only because they do not have general education in college, but also because I wanted to travel. My high school grades were too low to allow me to study in Germany. All of the other affordable English-taught Bachelors programs I was interested in were in Eastern Europe. I eventually settled on moving to Tallinn, Estonia. Before making this decision, I did as much research as I could to determine whether or not Tallinn had a decent LGBTQ community, and whether I would be safe living here as a transgender man. All the information I found indicated that while the Tallinn queer community did not have a large public presence, it was still a sizable community that would not be difficult to navigate.

The first months in Tallinn were not easy. I was incredibly lucky to have two wonderful flatmates, who, even though they might not have fully understood the feeling of transgender individuals, accepted me for who I was and made an effort to understand that part of me. School was another story. I was constantly worried I might be outed.

I had considered the political views of Estonians before I moved. Estonians generally do not care if you’re gay or trans — they just do not want you to talk about it. The younger Estonians are more accepting and while still very reserved, they are more open to having discussions about it (assuming you are already close). What I did not consider before moving here were Russian students.

Depending on who you ask, anywhere from 25–35 percent of Estonian residents are Russian. Exploring the dynamic between Estonians and Russians living in Estonia has been extremely interesting. Many Estonians have told me that there are generally two types of Estonian-Russians: those who have learned Estonian and have assimilated into Estonian culture, and those who have not. Despite Estonian being the single official language, children in Estonia can either go to a school taught purely in Estonian, a school taught in both Estonian and Russian, or a purely Russian school.

It should have been obvious to me that my program was bound to have at least a few Russian students. But it wasn’t. It caught me by complete surprise on the first day of school. During a lab in the second week of classes, a Russian guy in my class comes up to me and says loudly enough for the whole class to hear, “Hey, American Boy…Are you a homosexual?” I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I was stunned. First of all, why did he need to know at this exact instant? Second, who was this kid who was inquiring about my sexual orientation in the middle of a lab in front of all our coursemates without even having the decency to learn my name first? And lastly, no one goes about that topic by saying, “are you a homosexual?” This isn’t 1970. I had no clue what to do. I tried to deflect and just said, “What? Why?” And he said, “Oh I was just wondering. It’s okay if you are. You don’t have to be embarrassed.” Of course, at this point I was thoroughly embarrassed. Luckily he dropped the subject.

A few weeks later, I was lounging around on campus waiting for my next class to start in three hours. The Russian guy and his friends come up and we start casually talking. The conversation started out in safe territory — mostly about school. Then it turned to Russia and Russian Politics. At some point during this conversation, it came out that the Russian guy was from an extremely conservative family and I explicitly remember him saying that he supports Putin. This was mind blowing to me. Then the conversation turned to US Politics. I knew exactly where this was headed. The topic switched switched to gay people. He finally decided to stop beating around the bush and ask me flat out. He asked if I was straight and I just said no. He hit me with the classic, “I don’t care as long as you don’t do it in front of me” — a piece of rhetoric frequently used by homophobes who aren’t aware that they’re homophobic. I desperately hoped the conversation would end there. The subject of trans women was brought up. I sat in silence for what felt like forever as they said horrible, degrading things about trans women. I didn’t speak up then for two reasons. First, I knew there was nothing I could say to change their opinion. And second, I didn’t feel safe. I was worried that anything I said would out me. I had just met these kids and I was thousands of miles from anyone I really knew.

After that conversation, I was terrified. I texted my friend and told them what had happened. They were shocked. We talked for a long time and I decided to remove any pictures of me from before I transitioned from my social media. At least that would make it a bit more difficult for them to figure out the truth.

Months passed and I slowly started to connect with this Russian guy. By “connect,” I mean that I started to view him as a more reasonable person and stopped fearing for my physical safety around him. However, we didn’t discuss any LGBT issues again.

Then last week, we had another three hour gap in between our lectures. He and I were sitting in the cafe and two of our Estonian coursemates decided to join us. We had some really good discussions about Russia and the struggle between Estonians and Russian-Estonians. He offered some unique insight into the issues and the solutions they’re working towards. He told us about how he doesn’t really agree with his family’s extremely conservative views and that it has caused some issues in his family. I told him that there was a similar divide in my family following the 2016 US Election. One of the Estonians mentioned how he went on a trip to Russia and was talking about how much he loved it. I said something along the lines of, “yeah I would really love to go to Russia just to see it but I could never go.” The Russian said, “if you’re worried about the gay thing, it will probably be okay if you just stay quiet about it.” I’m not sure what came over me in that moment but I decided to just go for it. I struggled a bit with whether or not I really wanted to come out then but I eventually just said, “No it’s not that…I don’t know if you guys know this about me, but I’m trans.” There was a really long awkward silence and I could tell they didn’t really understand what I was trying to say. I told them that my ID card says female and they didn’t believe me. I handed it over to them and one of them said, “Wow, I didn’t know Estonia did that.” The Russian said, “It will still probably be okay for you to go to Russia. They’ll most likely just give you a temporary ID with your gender at birth on it.” I realized what they thought was happening here and cracked up. They thought I was preparing to transition to female. For a lot of binary trans people who are transitioning, this is like the holy grail. And it was for me too. I explained that it was the other way around and that I had already begun transitioning. More silence. The Russian said, “Wow, that actually explains a lot because you have very interesting body language.” I found this to be a very interesting way to put it. He was referring to my mannerisms that in America are considered to be feminine — the way I talk with my hands, increase my pitch at the end of a sentence, etc. The Estonian said that I was the first American he’s ever met and that he just assumed that this was how all American men are.

At this point I was still doubting if I had made the right decision to come out. The Russian said something about how he didn’t care that I was trans. I brought up the conversation that him and the Estonian guy had in front of me four months prior — about the trans women and queer people. He claims he didn’t remember and said it was probably a stupid joke. Then he said, “If I ever say anything to offend you, please tell me.” It was that simple act of kindness and compassion that changed that entire conversation for me. A few hours later, when I was recounting this to my Estonian friend, she said that she loved that he said that because he realized that what he said previously wasn’t how he really felt.

I’d like to take a moment here to say that in no way does this excuse the disgusting things he said about trans women. I recognize that this conversation most likely would have gone a lot differently if I was a trans woman.

I walked home after that conversation feeling great. I thought about how lucky I was to be able to have this experience. It has been really tough to move to a place with an extremely small and hidden queer community where many people don’t know a single gay person, let alone a trans person. During this year, I’ve thought many times about whether or not I made the right decision and I’ve longed for being at home with people like me. But this would have never happened at the schools I was considering attending in America. I would have never even gotten far enough to come out to a conservative Russian guy in the US because I probably would have never spent any time with them in the first place. When you have a group of people who share the same beliefs as you, there’s no reason for you to branch out. When we’re surrounded by people who don’t share our beliefs, we feel threatened. We feel unsafe. People in these environments are often ostracized and it drives them back to their bubbles. The conversations that need to be had aren’t happening. And the divides are getting so big that when there’s any attempt to have these conversations, they’re overrun with emotions and they become too heated.

I decided in the first week of class that I didn’t like this Russian guy. I sat in silence as he said horrible things about my community and my friends. I listened as he told me about his own struggles. I bit my tongue as he said some of the most un-PC things I’ve ever heard. I knew I had to pick my moment wisely. When I finally came out to him, I genuinely feel like I changed his mind about the trans and queer community. I finally understood what Karamo Brown was saying in that episode of Queer Eye. At that point, he saw me as a person. So me coming out to him didn’t change anything. And instead of making negative comments, he listened to me.

It’s so important to get out of your comfort zone and talk to people who you disagree with. Listen to them, as infuriating as it may be. And then pick your moment.