CORONET, COLORADO — Former death stick dealer Elan Sleazebaggano is back to his old tricks again, but on Earth this time. The humanoid was arrested Friday morning following a massive drug raid that took place at his girlfriend’s home at 6:33 AM.

Sleazebaggano is said to be the head of a major drug operation in the small city of Coronet, Colorado, where police say he has been operating for years. The local police department received a tip from a drifter using the alias “Ole Brian Kennedy.” Police have been unable to track down Kennedy and believe he has gone into hiding following his snitch.

Reports say Sleazebaggano had relocated to Earth after falling in love with Ellen Smith-Jones via holo communications during his stint in an Outer Rim prison. Sleazebaggano had been serving a 12-year sentence for attempting to sell illegal narcotics to Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Sadly, it appears Sleazebaggano did not take Kenobi’s advice to re-think his life.

Sleazebaggano was charged with drug trafficking, drug dealing, drug handling, and eight other drug related charges. Police wanted to charge him with running scared like a little mouse, too, but nothing in the books says that being a wuss is against the law.

Police interrogated Sleazebaggano for hours, during which the shadowy character incriminated Smith-Jones.

“They’re not mine. All of the illegal stuff belongs to her.”

The drugs were hidden in Panasonic TV/DVD combo unit boxes.

The following drugs were seized from Smith-Jones’ home:

Heroin

Methamphetamine

Death sticks

Pixie sticks

Opium

Kessel spice

Homemade cough syrups

Pumpkin pie spice

In a press conference, Coronet chief of police Laurence Panaka stated, “With the charges we’ve pinned on him, Sleazebaggano will be going away for a long time. He’s gonna wish he could take the blue pill!”

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