Cameron: What’s going on?

Cabinet: Just passing the time watching a few YouTube clips of the floods in the West Country.

Cameron: Haven’t you lot got anything better to do?

Cabinet: Not really. We could get our summer holidays booked, I suppose. Or possibly we might even fit in a game of Candy Crush. Or 20.

Cameron: But what about the country? Don’t you all have departments to run?

Cabinet: Everything’s pretty much done. We’re just counting down the days till the election next year.

Cameron: Of course, I completely forgot that one of the knock-on effects of the Fixed-term Parliaments Act would be that we would be all pretty much hanging around doing nothing.

Andrew Lansley: We are extremely busy, actually.

Cameron: Are we?

Lansley: As leader of the house, I can inform you we most certainly are. After we have returned from the extra week off we are getting at Easter this year because we have had so much on, we will have an extremely busy couple of days.

Cameron: That does sound a lot. You could probably do with a bit more of a break. Luckily for you, you’re going to get one as I’m going to demote you later in the year. In the meantime, let’s all try to do nothing that will upset the voters, shall we?

Maria Miller: Excuse me.

Cameron: What do you want?

Miller: It’s come to my notice that the report I have previously managed to suppress into the slightly unusual way I accounted for my living arrangements in my parliamentary expenses is about to be published and, though my friends in the Commons say I have done absolutely nothing wrong, it turns out that the idiot independent standards watchdog think I should pay back a whole load of cash and apologise.

Cameron: Well, thank you for being so honest with me, Maria. You’ve certainly done nothing wrong as far as I’m concerned so if you just nip into parliament for a few seconds to say sorry, we’ll hear no more about it.

Miller: I’m sorry but I’m not really.

Parliament: Sorry?

Miller: That’s not what I said.

Parliament: That’s what we thought you didn’t say.

Cameron: I fully support the culture secretary. As far as I am concerned, Maria is staying in the Cabinet and that’s an end to it.

Parliament: Er … That’s not actually OK. She did fiddle her expenses.

Cameron: Only a bit.

Parliament: Even so …

Cameron: The culture secretary has let herself down, she has let her country down and most of all she has let me down. I never liked her anyway. She’s fired.

Osborne: Cheer up, Dave.

Cameron: Good Lord, what’s happened to you?

Osborne: It’s the 5-2 diet. I’m looking hot, aren’t I?

Cameron: It would help if you could also get rid of the sneer.

Osborne: You’re one to talk, pudgy boy. Just chill out for a minute and get this. The economy is actually improving a little.

Cameron: You’re kidding?

Osborne: Well, obviously there’s still a cost-of-living crisis and millions of people are stuck in minimum wage jobs or are on zero-hours contracts, but unemployment is going down.

Cameron: Wow! Are we going to meet our deficit targets as well?

Osborne: Please don’t be silly.

Cameron: So we can say our long-term economic plan is working?

Osborne: We can say it. I mean, we don’t really have one, not in the sense of a proper thought-out written one, and there’s no real proof that what we have done has made any difference. The recovery could be just part of a global cycle or it might have happened a year or so earlier if we hadn’t fucked things up a bit. But no one will be able to contradict you if you do say it.

Cameron: OK then. Our long-term economic plan is working.

Clegg: I want some of the credit.

Cameron: Why should you?

Clegg: Because the Lib Dems are an important member of the coalition?

Cameron: Wrong on both counts. You are neither important nor a member of the coalition any more. It’s every party for itself now.

Clegg: But we did some great things. Like … Like … making something a little bit less nasty …

Cameron: The voters don’t seem to agree. Your support is now lower than the Greens.

Osborne: Move along, Clegg. I’ve got work on the budget to do. I’ve got some pensioner giveaways to finalise to make sure we get as many of the old dodderers voting Tory at the next election.

Clegg: If you do that, I shall have to distance myself from you by going to Penzance for your autumn statement.

Osborne: Be my guest.

Farage: There’s too many bloody uninvited guests over here. Foreigners. Especially those eastern European immigrants who come over here to do all the jobs the Brits won’t do. After we’ve had several pints and a Rothmans, what we need to do is say “enough is enough” and send them all back home so that nobody does those jobs.

20% of the population: That Nigel. Top bloke. Tells it like it is. Thing is, I like immigrants as much as the next person, but …

Cameron: Shit! We’ve got to sound tougher on immigrants. “Immigrants are good but it’s time to get rid of most of the people doing the worst-paid jobs in the NHS.”

Miliband: Shit! Even our supporters are blaming immigrants rather than the economy. “It’s time to acknowledge the country is now full, apart from all those areas that aren’t.”

Farage: Ker-ching! We’ve just won the most seats in the European parliament. Let’s get that expenses bandwagon rolling,

Polish Holocaust denier: Maybe we can do business.

Farage: I am not a racist.

Polish Holocaust denier: So am I. Now let’s split that £1.5m …

Roger Bird: I could buy you a dress, you pretty minx you.

Natasha Bolter: Oh Roger u aren’t trying to Roger me Roger, r u?

Douglas Carswell & Mark Reckless: This is exactly the new type of Gladstonian politics Britain has been crying out for.

Farage: Who the fuck is Gladstone? Another pint of your finest? I don’t mind if I do, squire.

* * *

Cameron: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Osborne: What’s up?

Cameron: Have you seen the latest opinion poll? Fucking Alex Salmond’s Yes campaign is ahead in the Scottish referendum.

Osborne: But I thought you said he’d be finished for good after we brilliantly out-manoeuvred him by refusing to allow a third option of “devo max” on the ballot paper?

The Queen: Look here, you farking little oik. If you turn ite to be the prime minister who loses me Balmoral as well as the farking union, no one will ever talk to you agine. Sort it.

Cameron: There’s nothing for it. We’ll have to give them devo max. Send for Gordon.

Brown: I make a vow to the people of Scotland.

Scotland: That’s not enough.

Brown: Very well. I make a solemn vow to the people of Scotland.

Cameron: To exploit the situation and bugger up Labour by insisting on English votes for English laws on the morning after Scotland has voted to remain part of the UK.

Salmond: You might live to regret that next May.

Theresa May: You called?

Cameron: Have you found anyone to head the child abuse enquiry?

May: Sure. Leon Brittan.

Everyone: I don’t think that’s going to work.

May: How about one of Leon’s relatives?

Everyone: It’s still a no.

May: Someone who has been to dinner and lived in the same street as Leon.

Everyone: No …

May: You’re being terribly demanding, you know.

Miliband: Friends, I met a man named Gareth.

Gareth: You might soon wish you hadn’t …

Miliband: And you know what Gareth said to me? Gareth said to me: “Whatever you do, Ed, don’t forget to mention the deficit in your speech to the Labour party conference because it’s the single most important issue facing the country and you would look like a complete idiot.”

Cameron: We’ve cut the deficit by a half …

Miliband: It’s a third, actually. And you said you were going to get rid of it completely.

Cameron: So did you.

Miliband: And you said I was rubbish.

Everyone: Maybe you’re both not very good.

The Office for Budget Responsibility: We’re returning to public spending levels of the 1930s.

Cameron: Shut up, you Commy infiltrators.

Osborne: Merry Christmas and a Happy New …

Everyone: 1932.