Radhika suddenly starts “I want to go home”. Rahul walks across the takes of his mother hand away from the switch and restarts the television. Jonathan threatens, screams and throw things at his father. Sheena is late for school but is not ready to get out of her bed.

In all the above cases, even if they are all misbehaving parents and teachers rarely figure out the difference. When we blanket term any misconduct as Misbehavior. They all look same. Probing a little bit can give some access. If we cannot figure out the goal as a parent, we are left gasping for help. To find out what the child intends to achieve by exhibiting such misbehaviour is primary. Parents have to figure out what emotion they feel, when their child throws a tantrum. Let’s look at 4 different goals.

When the goal is attention. When a parent feels annoyed and you’re even ready to cajole. This feeling of a parent is clear indication child wants attention. What you feel as the teacher or a parent is important to find out what the goal behind misbehaving is. The child temporarily stops the action when given attention and again after a break starts misbehaving. Like Radhika who says let’s go home, and the moment she gets some attention from her mother she stops. After a while says “Let’s go home”.The belief running behind attention seeking goal is “I only count when I’m being noticed or being observed”. In such situations avoid eye contact, & verbal communication. Nonverbally make them feel attended, take this action immediately small tap on the shoulder or brushing the hair can be very supportive, rather than getting annoyed and screaming back “five more minutes”. Also, some kind of teaching is required as a preventive measure. If the usual goal of your child is attention you have to teach him how to get attention differently. Different ways like being creative. Also, that he/she matter even if no one gives special attention.

When the goal is power. In this case, you feel challenged and provoked. when your child misbehaves you feel like you need the power. you get a thought that “they can’t get away with this no matter what”. On the other hand, your child intensifies action wants to win and starts being a boss. The thought which is running behind is “I only count when I’m dominating” or “you do what I want” or ” You can’t boss me ” powerplay has to be smartly handled usually powerplay happens when the parent, also has a need to prove he is in control. The best parent can do in such situations start giving choices and not orders. Stopped arguing immediately user-friendly eye contact, be firm and calm. Give the child useful ways to feel powerful. So instead of abruptly going and switching off the television and declaring “no more TV now” think what can be done differently here. How can you give different choices about not watching television and please don’t tell me that you have tried everything. Usually, parents who have problems with managing power suddenly become powerless and say things like we have tried all of that. You have not.

When the goal is revenge. As a parent when you feel hurt or anger. Thoughts Triggers ” how can he do this to me” figure out that the goal of your child is to take revenge. They want to get even with you. What’s going in their mind is” if people can hurt me why can’t I hurt them back” usually in such cases the parents ego writes checks which the body can’t cash. Parents are so shocked and hurt that figuring out a different way immediately is next to impossible for them. First come out of your hurt. Empathise with them. Ensure that you do not hurt back by recalling them incidences of past. Re-establish the relationship again, repairing hurt situations is a hell of a task. Make amends to yourself. Punishing in such situations, however creative it might be will not help. Because punishing a victim which he thinks he is one will make you more of a victim. As a parent start observing what type of language you use when you lose it. Try being more compassionate in difficult situations. Parents who have children with behaviour of externalising and goal of revenge usually don’t take responsibility for their child’s behaviour. Children who cannot take revenge on their parents usually starts doing this on a schoolmate or bully another person. Breaking glasses or property of the school are the behaviour of revenge of how parents or teacher behave with the child. As a parent taking responsibility for such behaviour is very important. Rather than saying that he’s a quiet child at home. Major changes have to be done by parents like the way they speak express their anger among themselves. Also while expressing anger to others, neighbours, housemade etc.

When the goal is to show inadequacy. When the parent feels depressed, helpless or pity on your own child. The major goal of your child is to show their inadequacy. The child starts feeling that there is no use to try becomes very passive about taking actions and always try to withdraw from situations where work is needed. The thought running behind them is “I can’t do anything right, so I won’t do anything at all”. “I am no good”. Misbehaviour happens in the morning hours when they are late for school or at late-night when they suddenly remember a project they have to submit tomorrow in the school. They challenge your concept of being a good mother/ father. So you start doing their project keeping aside everything you have. Parent has to stop showing pity and doing the work for them. Many parents start doing the project for their children by showing pity on them. Rather, you should arrange small victories and successes. Avoid doing it for them. Praise them for small efforts and actions. Don’t false praise they act as if they are dumb to get the work done. They are not actually dumb, so save your applause. Redirect their self-talk don’t assert their negative thoughts. Keep small goals and let them accomplish and overcome small hurdles, let them feel capable and worthwhile.

Even though many children portray one or two of these goals, but there can mix & merge and combinations of misbehaviours to achieve their goal. So better be prepared with all four situations because when they are planned to misbehave they are unaware about what type of misbehaviour you are ready to deal. Their whole purpose of misbehaving is to get their job done. Start being smarter parent understanding their goal and try to respond differently. There are a lot of bankrupt parents who don’t come up with a new idea and just keep on saying we have tried everything. The goal of such parents is also one of the above.

Please share if you are using these techniques and want more such also different parenting challenges you face.

One of the events, which I am facilitating with Ann Vernon ( parenting expert), you must attend in February is here register yourself and be a better parent and teacher.

Reference :

What Works When with Children and Adolescents: A Handbook of Individual Counseling Techniques – Ann Vernon

Maintaining Sanity In The Classroom: Classroom Management Techniques – Rudolf Dreikurs.

Children: the Challenge: The Classic Work on Improving Parent-Child Relations–Intelligent, Humane, and E minently Practical (Plume) – Rudolf Dreikurs