What a seastead could look like if someone ever builds it.

Everyone pretty much agrees that Obama’s America is tanking, fast. Taxes are up slightly on the wealthy, Congress wants to ban our most efficient people-killing machines, and government regulation forced Beyoncé to lip-synch the National Anthem after she failed to submit the proper public-singing permits. Thankfully, there is hope on the horizon in the form of various quixotic conservative utopias that will definitely exist someday. Before you pack up your family and sell your home, though, take some time to decide which promised land is right for you.

For the Conservative Doomsday Prepper:

If you’re the “strong, self-reliant, and Liberty-loving” type and you’re also convinced that society is bound to collapse soon, check out the Citadel. A walled community nestled in the mountains of Idaho, the Citadel will contain everything a postapocalyptic society requires, like schools, a power plant, an underground bunker, and a gun factory, as well as plenty of things it doesn’t require, like a firearms museum with a reflecting pool. Gun ownership and regular militia training are mandatory for residents so that they will be ever-prepared for a “firefight with an Enemy of Liberty,” which, considering the sheer volume of liberty that is going to be happening at the Citadel, is inevitable.

For the Adventurous Libertarian:

Led by Patri Friedman (the grandson of economist Milton Friedman) and PayPal founder Peter Thiel, the Seasteading Institute hopes to establish micro-nations on permanent off-shore platforms, free from the laws of any country. The movement is inspired by libertarian ideals, but sees seasteads as government start-ups that can “experiment with a wide variety of political ideas in order to find out which are most desirable to their residents.” One note of caution for libertarian idealists: Even on seasteads in the middle of the ocean, the Institute does insist on some limits to individual freedom. “Actions seen as a serious threat to the security of other nations ought not be tolerated aboard seasteads,” the site’s FAQ reads, “such as letting terrorists launder money, exporting drugs to countries where they are illegal, or researching or building weapons of mass destruction, particularly with nuclear capabilities.” Basically, all of the fun things. But you can’t beat the ocean views.

For the Not-Adventurous Libertarian:

Since 2003, the Free State Project has been beckoning libertarians to New Hampshire with the goal of amassing enough political clout to transform the state through the ballot box and the legislature. So far, more than 1,100 people “frustrated at the loss of freedom and responsibility in America” and the “growth of government and taxes” have responded to the call by relocating to the Live Free or Die State, and another 13,600 have pledged to do so in the future. This is your best option if you want to live in a libertarian utopia but you also want to visit your family in Boston every once in a while.

For the Conservative Who Can’t Get Enough of Glenn Beck’s Bullshit:

A hybrid between a city and the world’s least fun theme park, Glenn Beck’s Independence Park will not only be a place to live but also a “retreat from the world where entrepreneurs, artists, and creators could come to put their ideas to work,” because they’re unable to do that presently. Independence Park would include a marketplace, a ranch, a “church modeled after The Alamo” for some reason, and, most important, a media center “where Glenn’s production company would film television, movies, documentaries, and more.” If buying Glenn Beck’s books and DVDs and CDs and magazine and subscribing to his TV channel and attending his Christmas specials has only increased your desire to throw as much of your money as possible at Glenn Beck, Independence Park is where you belong.

For Conservatives Who Really Want to Shove Their Success in Detroit’s Face:

A group of wealthy businessmen want to buy Belle Isle off the coast of debt-ridden Detroit for $1 billion, declare it a semi-independent U.S. territory with its own laws and currency, and develop it into a world-class finance hub with minimal government regulation and low taxes and glistening new skyscrapers that would make Detroit burn with jealousy. The Belle Isle Commonwealth is not for everybody, however, and by that we mean it is not for poor people: Prospective immigrants must have a good credit rating and will have to pay $300,000 “as a citizenship fee.” They must also have a “command of English,” a requirement designed to “foster common understandings” and keep out Rick Perry.