N

o, you're the one that’s not understanding.

See, I’m not gonna check this luggage in. And I’m not gonna pay the fee. Because this isn’t just some “oversized carry on”—it’s my emotional support luggage, Lax.

That’s right, he has a name! And it says so right on his tag: “L.A.X.” See? So I would really appreciate it if you’d stop treating him like he’s just some piece of luggage—because he’s not. He’s my best friend! And even though we’ve only known each other for a short period of time which can be quantified as “just shy of Costco’s return policy,” we’ve already formed a deep, intimate bond. He’s very supportive of my emotions.

Like the time I flew to Denver for my sister’s graduation? I was freaking out because I was delayed by two weeks… mostly because that was the only flight that made sense to me financially. But still, freaking out! And no one—I mean no one—aboard that Spirit Airlines flight was able to calm me down. But you know who did?

Yup, this guy. Lax rolled on over next to me and when I opened him up, you know what I found? My favorite blanket from TJ Maxx! Ha! I’m a Maxinista! He knew! He knew that the only way to calm me down in that moment was to remind me of a fantastic deal I got. That’s how well he knows me!

So don’t try and judge the kind of relationship that we have, okay? Because you don’t know! Just like how you don’t know about the time I suffered an anxiety attack at the La Quinta Inn. I was checking out and I was worried their staff would get mad at me for taking their towels (even though they came with the room so it was fully within my right to take them). Thankfully, Lax had my back. He hid them for me in his innermost pocket where no one would ever find them! That’s the kind of friend he is. Supportive.

Whoops. Twelve o'clock. Excuse me, it’s time for his lunch. You know, a lot of people get mad at me for taking these muffins, but what they don’t know is that the “free continental breakfast?” You actually pay for. Yeah! It’s included in the price of your room. Can you believe that? That’s why I take some for the road, because sometimes Lax gets hungry on the longer flights. Don’t get me wrong, I always offer to buy him an in-flight meal… but he thinks they’re overpriced like me.

That’s kind of just how we “roll” though. Get it? Because he has wheels? Ha! Anyways, Lax takes care of me, I take care of him. True emotional support, am I right?

It’s 2018. Emotional support comes in all shapes and sizes. For me, it just so happens to be this piece of luggage. Why should I have to pay extra for that?

If you’d please just let me bring Lax on board with me—as my emotional support luggage—I’ll be out of your hair and on my way.

You will? Wonderful! You won’t regret this, I promise!

What do you mean there’s a fee for that? A hundred dollars!? For an emotional support companion!? Do people with dogs have to pay that much? They do!?

You know what? On second thought, let’s just check this thing in. I’ll be fine!