On Vulnerability: Strive to be the ‘Man In The Arena’

The passage that completely shifted my worldview on criticising others

I was an awkward, nerdy (and not in the good way) kid growing up. And as a consequence of my low emotional intelligence and social anxiety, I was terrible with women — well, teenage girls.

To protect my ego, I developed the classic ‘nice guy’ mindset where I believed that every other guy in the universe was a horrible human being who sucked at relationships and treated women like shit — especially the guys in my immediate social circle.

If only I was given a chance to date a girl! I would treat her well, keep her safe and we’d live happily ever after.

Simple, right?

To be fair to my 15 year old self, everyone around me did suck at relationships. I mean, we were 15. What I can’t excuse myself for is the fact that somehow I had convinced myself I was god’s gift to women and that I would make one happy — despite there being no evidence to suggest that I was good at relationships at all.

Fortunately — or unfortunately, my ego was deservingly bruised after my first break-up. Entering the relationship with rosy eyes, I believed everything was going to be okay without me trying.

As a result of my unrealistic beliefs, I didn’t put much effort into the relationship. I didn’t think about her emotional needs. I didn’t think about what I could do to cheer her up when she was down. I didn’t even visit her when she was in the hospital.

I mean, I had read stories about other people being in relationships. I believed I could do no wrong. But here I was, single and alone again. I had criticised the guys around me for being atrocious in relationships for so long.

But now, I was one of those guys.

It is not the critic who counts

Everything came back to me when I was reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. At both the beginning and end of the book, Brene emphasises a passage from a speech that changed her life. I have to admit, it changed my life too.

Despite intuitively understanding that despite failing, I needed to get back up and keep trying — I was never able to put it into understandable words.

Theodore Roosevelt organised his thoughts on the matter in an elegant but convincing fashion.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” — Theodore Roosevelt

This brings me back to my first relationship. I had criticised others about their relationships for years without being in one myself. It was easy to see how others could have done better, but none of it mattered.

I wasn’t in the arena.

I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t asking my crush out. I wasn’t actively meeting girls and letting myself be vulnerable. I wasn’t reaching out to girls who I could have had a potential relationship with and then sitting at home in agony wondering if I’m going to get a text back.

I wasn’t willing to sustain the suffering required to create a good relationship.

Radical Resilience Is Attractive

Right now I have a friend who’s terrible at relationships. He’s recently started dating for the first time and it’s been a painful journey so far.

On the first date he ever went on, he drank 8 standard drinks before the date and it went okay. The next date he went on with the same girl, he decided to go sober.

She ended up ghosting him.

The next girl he went on a date on asked him if she could bring her friends. She ended up bringing 7 of her guy friends and they never talked again.

A lot of people laugh at how bad he is at relationships. They probably use his experiences as an ego boost and think ‘at least I’m not that bad’. To be honest, I’ve thought it myself too.

But these thoughts aren’t helpful. In fact, many of the guys who criticise him don’t ask girls out on dates at all. They’re not in the arena at all. Realising that my friend is actively trying, I’ve shifted my mindset into helping and encouraging him.

If you’re going through hell, keep going — Winston Churchill

No matter how bad someone is at something, if they keep going they’re going to improve. They’re going to get better while the critics watching from afar will continue to bathe in inaction.

Whether or not someone is in the arena has become an important metric for how I judge someone’s character.

We’ve been conditioned our entire lives to be attracted to excellence, but nobody is going to be excellent without failing. Radical resilience is my new favourite trait.

When I meet someone I always keep in mind:

Are they the type of person who gets knocked down once and never tries again? Or are they going to learn, get back up and try again?

More importantly, I ask ask these questions about myself.

Am I in the arena?

It’s practically impossible to stop criticising others. But one thing we can change is the way we do it, and we mindset we have before we do criticise.

Before I criticise someone, I always ask myself:

‘Am I in the arena?’

And if I’m not, I’ll realise that I don’t understand the hardships associated with the battle they’re in and I’ll take a step back. If I am in the arena, I’ll pass on my experience and express what I’ve personally learned.

I know I’ve primarily written about relationships in this post, but I apply this to every part of my life. Not only do I ask myself this question when I’m criticising someone, I use it to guide me in the right direction.

I ask myself whether or not I’m in the arena with everything I do. Whether I’m applying for jobs or starting a new venture, I know that if I’m in the arena and being vulnerable, I’m on the right path.

The man in the arena speech changed how I perceive both the accomplishments and the undoings of others. It has shifted my mindset from trying to feel better about myself when others fail to personally diving into the arena and learning myself.