Dieting is so boring. The last time someone told me about their diet, I smiled as I was slowly walking backwards till I could barely see their pouty little face any more. I am not listening to it any more. It is triggering to people with eating disorders, it is a dreadful type of conformity and it is neither feminist – nor healthy. What you are telling me, when you tell me you are on a diet, is: I am trying to look less like you. I am buying into society’s notion that I should be smaller in order to have more worth and beauty. Boring.

I am not here for that. I am already too far down the path of radical self-love. I post photos of my fat stomach on Instagram. I preach fat liberation, fat acceptance, fat positivity to anyone who will listen. I have the throwing-up emoji ready for anyone who says: “But what about your health?” Because shut up. Because you cannot look at someone and determine how healthy they are. No, you cannot. No, Google it. No, read a book. No, get out of the comments and into a library. No, stop arguing with strangers on websites.

You cannot look at someone and determine how healthy they are. On top of that, even if you could, people are allowed to be unhealthy. People have autonomy. Other people’s bodies are none of your business. We can also talk about mental health. How unhealthy it is to someone’s psyche to be stigmatised and bullied. Do you really want me to send you fun articles called things like “Weight-stigma kills”?

So, if you were telling yourself that you wanted to lose weight because of health issues, I have got great news for you. It can actually be unhealthy to diet. There. Go eat a burger and delete the “before” photo on Instagram.

I understand why you want to be proud of your weight loss. Shedding weight was a thing I attempted to do from the age of eight to the age of 22. I read diet books more carefully than I ever read a book for school; proudly saying “no” to going out because I was “watching my weight”. Oh, and when those kilos started dropping, oh my, I felt like a winner. Like I was one step closer to that dream body. I put the photo I hated the most of myself up on the fridge to discourage myself from eating anything at all.

When people show off a weight loss, part of me thinks “bitch, please” – because in my lifetime I have probably lost more weight than anyone can imagine. I bet I have lost the Titanic in weight. Sure, I have gained it all back again. I’m not alone – 95% of people who lose weight, gain it back.

And two-thirds of dieters end up weighing more than they did before they started losing weight.

Which means, statistically, this is it. Statistically, you will spend this January miserable and hungry and by March, you’ll be fatter than you were on New Year’s Eve.

“As long as you are below your initial weight, your body is going to try to get you back,” says Dr Michael Schwartz, an obesity and diabetes researcher who is a professor of medicine at the University of Washington in this New York Times article. It is called yo-yo dieting and it is neither healthy nor safe to do. So have a burger. If you want to be truly healthy, stop thinking in kilos and circumference. Think about what will nurture your body – and mind. I am not overly worried about physical health. Yours or mine. I am as much a “strain on the NHS” as those of you living to be 115 years old because you have only eaten kale. I would rather die at 40 and have been even mildly amusing to be around than die at 115 and not have had friends since I was 30 because all I could talk about was CrossFit.

But I am very much into mental health. Oh, sweet, sweet mental health. Here is why it is my favourite: it is free. And that is why no one is telling you to do it. Why would the women’s magazines tell you to speak kindly to yourself? Then you would not need the women’s magazines to tell you how to become prettier and better. Why would television tell you that you should believe you are good enough? Then you are not going to watch the TV shows that make you feel bad about yourself. Capitalism made you feel horrible about yourself. So do not trust capitalism to get you out of it. This includes women’s magazines and the entire diet culture.

This is probably the body you have and will have forever. And it is good enough.

Instead of dieting this January or this year, or even this lifetime, do this: get in front of a mirror, naked. Look at yourself. Accept that this is how you look today. You deserve to think you are hot shit today. Cuddle yourself. Touch your stomach. Give yourself daily affirmations. You know, the ones you would hear on the Oprah Show. American fluffy stuff like: “I am worthy. I am beautiful. I deserve good things. Sofie Hagen is always right about everything. My hair is pretty.”

Then eat what you want. And do all the things you wanted to do once you’d lost weight. Because this is it and you can do all of those things now. Promise yourself a nice 2018 without restrictions and punishments – and with a bunch of radical self-love instead. I think you deserve that.

• Sofie Hagen is a writer and comedian