It’s the return of the only k-pop related awards that matter – time to check out who is tripping the light fantastic at the 2019 Kpopalypse Awards!

THE 2019 KPOPALYPSE AWARDS

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THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2019

Who specifically made Korean fans cry hardest in 2019?

Nominees:

Sana (Twice) – for talking about Japan, how dare she

Yein (Lovelyz) – for calling some asshole an asshole

L (Infinite) – for plagiarising his apology letter

Johyun (Berry Good) – for being more attractive than fugly netizens

and the winner is:

L

Sana and Yein both got in trouble for opening their mouths and saying stuff about things – something that Korean netizens definitely don’t like, as in their eyes women should be silent and compliant at all times. Johyun was quiet enough but got in trouble for being attractive, which is of course going to be a problem for ugly Korean netizens who lurk in netcafes, chatrooms and forums because they can’t afford the face surgery that allows them to present themselves acceptably during daylight hours. However L got in trouble for doing exactly what netizens believed he should be doing – making a groveling apology for some bullshit nobody cares about. Apparently if you write an apology and it looks a little bit too much like other people’s apologies, that’s enough for an online ass-reaming, proof that you should never acquiesce to the hive-mind. If you’ll excuse me I’m off to sue Asian Junkie because he uses the words “and” and “the” in quite a few of his posts, and that was my idea.

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2019

Who specifically made international fans cry hardest in 2019?

Nominees:

Lana – for being a k-pop of a non-approved race

Jungkook (BTS) – for taking driving lessons from Ladies Code’s manager

IZ*ONE – for demonstrating what we all already knew about idol TV shows

Seungri – for shattering the nightclubbing dreams of k-pop fans everywhere

and the winner is:

LANA

Jungkook, IZ*ONE and Seungri all had one thing in common – regardless of how you feel about what they did, they actually did do stuff. Lana on the other hand didn’t actually do anything at all except turn up in the k-pop scene and say “hello I’m Lana”. In fact arguably she didn’t even do that, given how slim the promotion was for her pre-debut and how nugu she generally remains. Nevertheless she pretty much started a k-pop race riot just by daring to breathe within 500 meters of a Show Champion stage, even though nobody ever said shit about the drummer in Busker Busker, so maybe there’s a healthy dose of typical international k-pop fan sexism in there along with the racism. Either way, “Take The Wheel” was a pretty good song that managed to upset nearly every k-pop fan ever somehow, despite being possibly the least controversial thing you could ever experience in objective, rational terms – just like this blog, amirite?

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2019

Who had the freshest, flyest hip-hop style of 2019?

Nominees:

Peniel – motherfuckerrrrrrrr

Zico – I never seen a video like that – swear to god

Jay Park – don’t forget the Feng Shui

Go Won (Loona) – it starts with a small flap, now inside my heart, a hurricane

and the winner is:

GO WON

Okay, so Go Won probably doesn’t even write her own raps, it’s probably just that Jaden guy at Blockberry or whoever used to shine his shoes who has now stepped into his role. Still, wouldn’t you rather listen to her than some yolotard dickweeds and molka addicts. Motherfuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2019

Who raised more awareness of cultural sensitivities than any other idol in 2019?

Nominees:

Amber – for encouraging respect for law enforcement

(G)I-DLE – for showing people how hip it is to be ethnic

M.O.N.T – for giving people important geography lessons

Sorn (CLC) – people just gotta chill, she’s not stupid

and the winner is:

AMBER

Amber has always been an unconventional k-pop idol who has had to deal with unique challenges throughout her career, and she has collected a lot of woke k-pop fans along the way as her allies due to her extremely erudite nature. So naturally it was kind of her to educate her growing international fanbase in being nice to racist American police officers so they don’t get the shit kicked out of them or shot for basically doing nothing other than having the wrong skin colour and breathing, as a lot of them would certainly be in “high risk” demographics. Amber knows that whether right or wrong it’s just a good survival strategy to not kick up a fuss and calmly accept banal pointless instructions from America’s “thug life” law enforcement, I guess she also saw that Chris Rock video. Good work raising awareness of this important issue, Amber!

THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2019

Who did more to highlight important gender issues in k-pop in 2019?

Nominees:

Minwoo (Shinhwa) – for adding some low-touch to his high-touch

Jung Joon Young – for off-the-charts classy-sexiness

Minty – for proving that when it comes to being a feminist rapper, age ain’t nothing but a number

Ellin (Crayon Pop) – for getting that green from green-faced livestream-watchers

and the winner is:

JUNG JOON YOUNG

Before 2019, Korean pop fans around the world thought that Korean nightclubbing was all fun, games and a few friendly drinks just like in the music videos. Thanks to the effort of Jung Joon Young and his team of hidden camera addicts, now everybody knows that Korean nightclubs are dangerous places where you shouldn’t leave drinks unsupervised or the people you care about unsupervised around shady k-pop “stars”. Jung Joon Young’s biggest achievement out of all this was not only shooting awareness of Korea’s classy-sexy molka-infused nightlife through the fucking roof, but blowing up so large by being Korea’s biggest asshole that he even made some people aware of the dumb name of his shitty band for about two seconds before they forgot it again. I can’t remember their group name anymore either, but please do remember folks that Burning Sun was only one nightclub out of many and that for every rapist who gets jail time there’s a shit-ton of others who are flying under the radar as I type. Stay safe, caonimas!

THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2019 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Who paid down their company debts in the boldest, most daring ways in 2019?

Nominees:

Hyosung – fuck this, gonna sue TS Entertainment

TRCNG – fuck this, gonna sue TS Entertainment

Sleepy – fuck this, gonna sue TS Entertainment

Ellin (Crayon Pop) – fuck this, gonn… oh wait I was never on TS Entertainment, guess I’d better think of something else

and the winner is:

ELLIN

As a mere underling slave of Way’s criminal empire, Ellin probably never made much bank in Crayon Pop, however as a generically attractive person she no doubt found a much more promising stream of income in stream-watchers. Screwing incels out of their nerdcoin for the (real or imagined) promise of genuine relationshipping has been a healthy hustle ever since the first prostitute advertised a “premium plan” where you got to hold hands for five minutes after sex, and I have nothing but admiration for Ellin’s talents in siphoning digital currency. Maybe she can help me boost my Patreon income by telling readers that she’ll introduce them to her parents if they donate. It must be true – such a pretty face couldn’t lie, right?

THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2019 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Who was the most fearless rookie girl-group punching-bag of 2019?

Nominees:

Everglow – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

ITZY – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Cherry Bullet – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

ARIAZ – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is:

ARIAZ

All of the nominees this year got in trouble for doing some pretty normal k-pop shit, like supposed “plagiarism”, “award rigging” and other nonsense, but what set ARIAZ apart is that they didn’t even wait to be caught, they dived right into the mess immediately on debut by making one of the girls apologise at their debut showcase for completely normal teenage activity like smoking, drinking and spitting occasionally. Seeing as how my current girlfriend definitely mrs and engages in all three of these activities, I have no choice but to now heavily stan ARIAZ’ Jeuen, and the girls’ fairly middling Loona-lite debut now just moved up a few notches in my appreciation levels. Let’s hope their next comeback capitalises on this “feature-rich” image, and in the meantime stan ARIAZ!

THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FAN CRITICAL THINKING 2019

Who did more to reveal the stupidity of k-pop fans than anybody else in 2019?

Nominees:

Jungkook (BTS) – for giving his fans some new search terms to clear

Nayeon (Twice) – for inspiring her fans to wrap the truth about creepy stalkers softly

Sulli – for taking netizen online toxicity to its logical conclusion

Seunghoon (Seckskies) – for letting the pussy roll

and the winner is:

SULLI

Anyone who has been following Korean netizen comments either now or in the past knew that it was only a matter of time before they eventually bullied someone to death. For years many people feared it would be a T-ara member, but of course everyone underestimated the members’ determination to rise above petty comments. Sadly, Sulli was not as strong, and gave up the fight against the online shitheels, who to this day display no remorse, no intelligence and no capacity for rational thought. Sulli will forever be immortalised on Kpopalypse blog as a symbol of courage in the face of overwhelming online adversity, and an inspiration for me to continue irritating stupid people as much as possible – RIP Sulli, you did well.

That’s all for the Kpopalypse Awards for 2019! Hopefully you have enjoyed tonight’s presentation! Please make your way out of the auditorium in an orderly manner and don’t spill any popcorn because the cleaners are not paid extra to sweep this up! Kpopalypse will return!