A chemistry student at the University of Washington has ended a centuries-long reign of terror by major religions that have been threatening believers with perpetual agony in eternal hellfire if they question “God’s word” – as stipulated by ministers, priests, popes and scholars poring over passages not “written by God” (who did not even leave any notes) but penned by other men with similarly controlling agendas.

Of course, the impossibility of a disembodied soul (or spirit) feeling corporeal sensations such as cold, rain, heat or fire has made the concept of “roasting in hell” like a chicken basted on a rotisserie a nonstarter from the beginning.

Despite this insurmountable contradiction, the notion of an eteral fiery pit filled with pitchfork-loads of freaked out souls was imposed by exasperated church leaders who finally resorted to saying “to hell with everyone” tempted toward the strong human propensity to enjoy sex and other pleasures of the flesh.

Now, thanks to a student’s answer to a bonus question on a recent mid-term university exam, threatening anyone with hell is now just a laughing matter.

Ironically, even deliciously, an act of lovemaking clinched the argument against hell.

With “eternal damnation” now proven false, daily demonstations of direct casue-and-effect… reaping what we sow… treating others as we wish to be treated… sending out vibes and actions that come back around – for good or ill – with interest… and plain ol’ karmic rebalancing provide all the incentive anyone should require to “do the right thing.”

Who needs hell, when paying for our own perversity and screw-ups right here on Earth – and receiving the benefits of our good deeds – is so inescapably inevitable? Even if we dodge the law, there’s no fooling our sickened bodies, stricken conscience, or our souls. And who needs that?

To hell with hell.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle’s Law, which states that gas cools when it expands, and heats when it is compressed. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

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