Theresa May will hold an emergency meeting with the immigration minister after Mo Salah, an Egyptian, racked up 58 points for her struggling fantasy football team against Watford on Saturday.

May has had an admittedly difficult season so far. Her team, Strong and Stable FC, currently sits at 28th in the NHS and Railways league – one of the biggest private leagues in the country. “I usually adopt a Britain-first policy” she explained. “That means Harry Kane has been my go-to captain with Jamie Vardy as my vice. Whilst I’m usually incredibly fearful of change, this weekend’s postponed matches forced me into looking overseas. If I’m going to catch up with Menzies Campbell, I can hardly back Danny fucking Ings.”

Mo Salah, who racked up the biggest individual points haul so far this season, is a devout Muslim, something that Theresa May is trying to come to terms with. “He’s a hard working man” said the Prime Minister. “OptaJoe said he ran 7.8km against Watford, which is more than I can say for the Poles.”

Meanwhile, the league leader, Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond, took a punt on Emre Can in an attempt to solidify British and German relations ahead of a state visit from Angela Merkel. “Theresa might have won the battle, but the war is well and truly beyond her grasp” boasted McDonnell, who only owns Emre Can due to careless overspending in other areas.

But May has remained cautiously optimistic she can turn things around. “Playing Laurent Depoitre upfront has allowed me to meet targets on an economic and immigration front” she beamed. “The winner of our fantasy league nets £250.00 of taxpayers’ money. If the immigrants can edge me closer to that goal, I’m all for them.”

More to follow.

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