THE HEAVENS—Saying He just had to see the guy faceplant one more time, the Lord our God, Almighty Creator of the Universe, reportedly rewound time Monday to watch an Indiana man fall off a trampoline again. “Look, look, look—you can see right when his foot goes through the hole between the springs and his face is just like ‘Oh shit,’” said God, who reportedly reversed the temporal flow of all existence six times in a row to watch the man “just completely eat it,” at one point pausing time entirely to laugh at the 25-year-old suspended upside down in the air after he had bounced off the trampoline’s metal frame and just a split second before his face slammed into the ground. “That sound he lets out afterwards is amazing—it’s not even a scream; it’s like a squeal. Oh man, that had to hurt like a motherfucker. Fucking idiot.” At press time, the Lord had reportedly rewound time once again and then restarted it in slow motion, shouting for a few nearby angels to come over and “check this shit out.”

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