Masturbators for the most part look just like you or I but upon closer inspection subtle differences become apparent. Witness this lost soul, who we will call “Thomas Y.”, who has recently been diagnosed with stage-2 masturbation astigmatism. Please print out this picture and carry it with you at all times. If you encounter anyone who displays these symptoms DO NOT SHAKE THEIR HAND. If you must, offer a polite, sin-free fist bump and quickly excuse yourself and alert your local pastor for an emergency prayer session. You have done your part, the rest is between God and the self-rapist.

Be alert! Be vigilant! Be self-rape free!

– Lonnie