‘Like...We’re Talking About A Lot,’ Say Epidemiologists


WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak, top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot. “We get that it’s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff, but this one, well, let’s just say it got around,” said epidemiologist Catherine Fisher, noting the bat in question didn’t even use protection, and that coronavirus was probably the least of the flying floozy’s problems considering the shit swirling around it all the time. “This bat was kind of a tramp, if we’re being honest. It didn’t care if you were a horseshoe, mouse-tailed, or Kitti’s hog-nosed bat; it was open for business. This bat would pretty much hook up with any mammal with wings. And we’re not trying to slut-shame, I swear. We just think the public deserves to know the facts.” At press time, the nation’s top epidemiologist had issued an apology to the bat after discovering the outbreak actually originated from a rather loose pangolin.