Gauging kufr since 7th Century AD

A kafirometer (From Arabic: kāfir; meaning “infidel” and Greek θερμός: μτρον, metron, meaning “measure”) is a device that measures kufr or infidelity gradient using a variety of principles. A kafirometer has two important elements: the kafir sensor (e.g. the caliphate bulb on a Sunni-Shia kafirometre) owing to which some mental change occurs in case the object differs from your point of view, plus some means of converting this mental change into an absurd act (e.g. the massacre scale that is marked on a Muslim-Non-Muslim kafirometer).

Kufr

While an individual kafirometer can be used to gauge kufr on an everyday basis, the readings on two kafirometers cannot be compared unless they conform to an agreed ideological scale. There is today an absolute kufr scale. Internationally agreed kufr scales are formulated to approximate this closely, based on fixed points and interpolating kafirometers. The most recent official kufr scale is the Takfiri-Salafi scale, which extends from Wahhabism to Shi’ism.

Development

Various writers have credited the invention of the kafirometer to 7th century AD scientists in Saudi Arabia. The kafirometer was not a single invention, however, but a development. After Arabian scientists drafted out the first sketch of the instrument in the early part of the 7th century, Persian and Byzantine scientists were then added to upgrade the kafirometer in the latter half of the century. Between the 8th century and the 13th century there was the addition of scientists from sub-Saharan West Africa, Central Asia, Volga Bulgaria and the Malay Archipelago to the development of the kafirometer and the ensuing experimentation. Scientists of the Delhi Sultanate were also heavily involved in laboratory experiments in the Indian subcontinent at the time to bolster kafirometry.

Then onwards it was the Ottoman scientists who, till the culmination of the First World War, had the complete authority over kafirometers and their usage. The scientific disagreements between the Egyptians and Mongols threatened to upset the Ottoman unity, but it did not stop the excessive usage of kafirometers, which eventually spiraled out of control.

Mughal scientists are also renowned for the promotion of kafirometers. After contradictory kafirometres became ubiquitous, Aurangzeb Alamgir in his thesis “Fatwa—e-Alamgiri”, taking notes from Shah Wali Ullah’s invaluable scientific insight, streamlined kafirometry in the Indian subcontinent.

Principles of kafirometry

Kafirometers may be empirical or absolute. Absolute kafirometers are calibrated numerically through the kafirodynamic absolute infidelity scale. Empirical kafirometers do not necessarily agree with absolute kafirometers as to their numerical scale readings, but to qualify as kafirometers at all they need to agree with absolute kafirometers and with each other in the following way: given any two objects isolated in their separate respective kafirodynamic states of equilibrium, all kafirometers must agree as to which of the pair has the higher level of kufr, or that both of them have an equal level of infidelity.

Calibration

Kafirometers can either be calibrated through comparison with other calibrated kafirometers or by checking them with respect to known fixed ideological points on the kufr scale. Historically the fixed points have been Muslim and Non-Muslim, but the most commonly used fixed points these days are Wahabism and Shi’ism. (Note that these ideological fixed points vary with an influx of education, enlightenment, or tolerance, so this must be controlled.)

The kufr scale in the most popular kafirometer – Takfiri kafirometer – is divided into two major segments with a 9:1 ratio – Sunni and Shia. Notable sub-segments include Wahabbism, Salafism, Quranism, Sufism, Deobandi, Barelvi, Ahl-e-Hadith and Shia. Each subcategory is given its own distinct colour on the scale, and when the needle strikes the object’s corresponding subcategory on the kafirometer, the scale’s colour changes in synchrony with the kufr value. Some kafirometers also come with a warning alarm that screeches “Shia kafir, kill Shia” as soon as the needle strikes the Shia zone on the meter.

Kafirometres in Pakistan

Few countries have contributed more to kafirology in the recent past than Pakistan (for kafirometry on the global scale, please refer to Saudi kafiropedia). There are various kinds of kafirometers in Pakistan that ring blasphemy alarms in all parts of the country. The Takfiri-Shia kafirometer has been the most prominent in the recent past, with prominent scientists like Malik Ishaq, Mahmoud Baber and Ahmed Ludhianvi from celebrated labs like LeJ and SSP performing their experiments throughout the country.

In two experiments conducted in Quetta this year over 200 kafirs were detected and exterminated. Similarly more than 50 kafirs were eliminated in Abbas Town, Karachi last week, as these establishment supported experiments continue to bear desired fruits. Kafirs of every breed and creed are hunted down with these meters, with more than 21,000 Shia being eradicated in Pakistan since 1947 through kafirometers and kafirologists that are sponsored by Saudi Arabia and Qatar.

Even though the Shia are the most sought by the scientists, other infidels have their work cut out in dodging the kafirologists’ bullet as well. To prevent being detected the murtid normally tend to penetrate out of the kafirometers’ range and leave the country. The Hindu, Christian and Sikh are easily identified and face atrocious discrimination in all walks of life. And then there are the Ahmadi Muslims, whose detection needs more robust kafirometers, but once spotted even their corpses can’t escape the scanner. Following the Liaquat Ali Khan-led Scientific Objectives Resolution in 1949 which is the lifeline for kafirologists in Pakistan, Ahmadi Muslims have always been an integral part of kafirology experiments. But Ahmadi Muslims didn’t bear the full brunt of kafirometry until the Socialist Scientist Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto called for exclusive kafirometers for the Ahmadis in 1974. And then onwards anything from Ahmadi mosques and tombstones to bakeries and juice boxes have been successfully detected by kafirometres all over Pakistan.

The future of kafirometry in Pakistan

The Taliban of the TTP lab are arguably the most renowned kafirologists in Pakistan, and they along with SSP and LeJ are the flag bearers of kafirometry and the most frequent users of the instruments. As long as these scientists remain healthy and are allowed to safely conduct their experiments, kafirometry shall live on and flourish in Pakistan. There is no shortage of funds for this popular branch of science in the country, with scientific organisations from Saudia Arabia and Qatar splurging the dough with open hearts.

The only way kafirometry can be halted is if the people of Pakistan start fearing that one day they might be under a kafirometer’s gun, considering the fact that the definition of kufr is so ambiguous and alterable. However, that rude awakening doesn’t seem like being conjured any time soon.

The writer is a financial journalist and a cultural critic. Email: [email protected], Twitter: @khuldune