HARRISBURG, PA — After weeks of unrest and growing anxiety among a quarantined population, the Pennsylvania government has decided to join the rest of the nation in making alcohol available to its citizens.

While the stores themselves will not be open for customers to come inside and browse, they will be accepting orders via carrier pigeon.

A spokesman for the PA liquor control board said, “As a government funded organization, we pride ourselves at always being on the forefront of innovation. Where others see an obstacle, we see a challenge.”

The restricted opening comes with a series of guidelines.

All pigeons must arrive between 9:00 am and 9:30 am. All pigeons that arrive outside this window will be drowned in a pool of bureaucratic paperwork. You may only order as much liquor as your pigeon can carry on its back. All pigeons must wear proper face protection and each bird will be doused with sanitizer from a hose before receiving any alcohol.

Given that each location has a unique inventory, every store will issue a series of smoke signals from 7am to 8am communicating what inventory is available before accepting any pigeon orders.

Also, only 176 stores will be re-opened, as the state doesn’t want people to spread the coronavirus they caught at their local grocery store to all the alcoholics who don’t buy groceries.

While this process appears to leave little room for future innovation, the liquor control board doesn’t see it that way. A spokesman confirmed that they have future plans to accept orders by telegraph as soon as 2022!

“It’s not as easy as it seems,” said the spokesman, “You think, hey. it’s just a wire right? What’s so hard about running some wires? But no! It’s actually 3 wires that must be twisted around each other. Nothing is as simple as it looks!”