BETHESDA, MD— Admitting they were unable to recall a survey even remotely so one-sided, researchers from the National Institutes of Health released comprehensive data Wednesday affirming that the practice of genital stimulation continues to enjoy almost universal popularity. “We can say, with absolute confidence, that the population is nearly unanimous in its delight concerning the vigorous rubbing, massaging, and manipulation of its collective genitals,” said Dr. Rajiv Bhattar, noting that support for result-driven contact with penises and vaginas has remained strong across all ages, genders, and religious backgrounds for at least the past 130 years. “Naturally, styles and techniques have changed somewhat; for instance, baby boomers expressed a fondness for energetic patting or tapping of the genitals, whereas younger generations seemed to prefer sustained physical or even electrical stimulation of their private parts. Bottom line, though, everyone really loves it.” While the authors of the study admitted they had yet to identify all the complex and involved reasons why humans exhibit such robust desire for genital stimulation, the team expressed strong interest in working on the question for as long as necessary.

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