Tips for Posing as Muslim

With President-Elect Trump threatening to create a Muslim registry, activists have called for non-Muslims to sign up in large numbers to overwhelm the system and foil his plans. Here are some tips and tricks for passing as a realistic Muslim-American…

Speak English and/or another language.

Choose one of these stereotypical Muslim occupations: student, professional, blue-collar worker, white-collar worker, small business owner, stay at home mom.

Pray five times a day in the direction of Mecca, unless you’re posing as a busy or not very religious Muslim.

Memorize the five pillars of Islam, but then go about your school or work day without bringing them up pretty much ever.

Same goes for the difference between Sunni and Shia Islam. Learn it, but don’t walk up to strangers and say, “Hi, I am Muslim. Would you like to be reminded of the differences between Sunni and Shia Islam?” This would be a dead giveaway.

Be brown. Or black. Or white. Or have a skin condition that makes you all three.

Have some relatives who totally get it, and some relatives who totally don’t.

Learn some basics about American pop culture. Muslims love The Simpsons and Arrested Development, so it’s great if you can quote from those. Many Muslims also like Taylor Swift, although some think she’s mean and prefer Katy Perry. Pretty much all Muslims think it costs too damn much to go to the movies, but they go to the movies anyway because it’s fun.

Avoid saying “insha’allah” on an airplane while you’re taxiing to the runway. Muslims know better.

Intend to do meal planning and prep for the week but then sleep in on Sunday, go out to a late brunch, and fail to even buy groceries. Get takeout every night and promise yourself you’ll do better next week. Lie to your mom on the phone about what you’ve been eating. Classic Muslim stuff.

Women: wear hijab, or don’t. If you don’t choose one of those options, it will be obvious you’re faking it.

Continue to get lunch from a halal cart sometimes.