The Power of Little Interventions

It can be easy to view the process of changing someone’s life and providing them aid as being a titanic struggle.

There are certainly moments like that when we are aiming at change. There are times where we stay up with someone night after night, convincing them to trust or love, bringing them a bit of joy. There are times we tearfully beg them to get help, or to stop hurting themselves. There are those moments that we will never forget, that will be burnt into our souls, that we will be able to close our eyes and visualize for the rest of our lives.

But in actual matter of fact, so much of the power of love comes from day-to-day interaction. It comes from being a pinion that stays, a constant force. It comes from the slowly but steadily building nature of trust.

The best parents are not the ones who every so often take their children to Disneyland, but the ones who simply watch when their child asks for attention.

Think about your most wonderful friends.

I am willing to bet no small sum that those you might think of as true comrades are not the ones who have necessarily helped you in the big things, but the ones who if you call in loneliness will always pick up and keep you company.

How can someone trust us if we are not there consistently? How can they trust that we care if we do not provide objective evidence? How can they know that we are in fact in that darkness with them unless we are doing things with them?

Nuclear fission and nuclear fusion both demonstrate the immense power of very small things.

The Skillful Mean

Take an inventory of your skills. What are you easily able to do for someone?

You may be able to write a resume. You may be able to jog with them, or go to the gym. You may be able to challenge them at a video game. You may be able to do their taxes. You may be able to mediate a conflict that they have with roommates. You may be able to teach them how to do something fun or valuable, like learning how to program. You may be able to expose them to a new hobby, like board games or swimming or watching bad movies. You may be able to try to encourage them to collaborate with you on a project.

You can hand them a book. You can tell them about a poem you are writing. You can burn them a CD, or tell them about an artist you’re passionate about. You can even just say, “Hey, just seeing how you’re doing” or “Hey, just checking in!”

The best example I can think of is this.

Randy, a hypothetical man who has a friend who is depressed, takes a jog every week. His depressed friend, Gary, has been very closed-off, but Randy suspects that Gary may be strongly considering suicide. Randy is interacting with Gary less and less. He misses his friend. Many of the interactions he now has are increasingly unpleasant. It even seems that Gary is trying to push Randy away.

Every week, he checks in on his friend in the guise of asking him if he’d like to come jogging.

Let’s say that Gary says no.

Gary still can tell that one person cares. Perhaps he perceives (to whatever degree of accuracy) that everyone else has distanced themselves or doesn’t care, but Randy does.

Let’s say that Gary says yes.

Randy and Gary can jog quietly. Gary gets out of the house. He gets the flow of neurotransmitters and the creativity that are a result of exercise. He can, for a precious few minutes, focus on something besides his crucible. He is in a quiet place and he can speak to Randy if he pleases, or simply remain quiet. He can catch up with Randy. He can be exposed to Randy’s positivity and happiness.

He changes his scenery, which has immense psychological effect.

Our memories and cognitions are context-sensitive: We think differently in different environments. If you take a test in the same room that you learned the material, you are likely to do markedly better at it. When I have dealt with being sad, leaving the house and walking let me get out of my office which was becoming a place of loneliness and hopelessness.

Gary leaving his home and going into a new environment gives him the ability to think differently. It allows him to draw upon cognitive and emotional resources he may not have in his house. It lets him experience a different part of himself, maybe even getting in touch with a part of himself that was happy.

It is difficult to explain, but in all of the numerous cases of depression and trauma I’ve seen and that others I know of have seen, the small social network that sticks around has been crucial. Those few people who the person who is hurting trusts and are available are a pinion to reality. They keep us from feeling like we are fading away, falling like we are in a bubble, pulling away from reality forever.

These little interventions have many advantages.

They are non-intrusive. You can simply offer help, including help that does not require them to disclose at all.

They are improvement-oriented. You aren’t trying to fix their life or change them, you’re just providing a means of improvement in one area or another.

They can be beneficial for you. Randy’s jogs are good for his health too. You can kill two birds with one stone. Therefore, if Gary says no to Randy, Randy still gets a jog.

They cost you almost nothing. Randy has to drive to Gary’s house and jog. He spends a few bucks in gas and a phone call or e-mail here and there. Instead of having to exert immense mental or physical effort, you are instead conserving your energy. You are avoiding the crisis-oriented, “putting out fires” mentality that consumes far too many changemakers far too early.

They allow you to keep track of the situation. You can see if the person is improving or getting worse. You can monitor for relapses and backslides.

They are positive. Instead of the person grousing over the past, they are looking forward to the future. Instead of having to relive a pain over and over, they are moving to a new place.

If you are thinking creatively, then you can think of dozens of little interventions. This means that you avoid the feeling of hopelessness.

They require you to learn very little new. You are offering help in something that you are aware of right now.

They say, “I care”, without having to say it, and therefore saying it much more loudly.

They can improve the practical position of the friend. If Randy were to help Gary write a cover letter, he not only is showing that he cares but also is helping Gary find a better job. If Randy were to help Gary work on his car, he might help Gary save money and have some fun in the process.

I personally have had depressed or lonely or sad friends simply come over and have me help them write their resume. I have shown others my pipeline for writing. I have explained some philosophical idea to them so that they learned something that day.

It is virtually impossible to communicate in words how massive these little interventions are.

I have been told by people that I helped galvanize their belief in something good, or in truth or hope, just by having a conversation once, a conversation that I don’t recall.

I have seen friends be told that they saved a third person’s life, just by keeping interesting conversations. I have had people thank not only me but other friends of mine just for having an intelligent, open, loving discussion that made others listening feel more intelligent and hopeful.

I again refer to my own experiences because I am intimately familiar with the circumstances, but I am far from alone. I have personally seen hundreds of people be thanked deeply for things ranging from helping someone buy groceries to letting someone crash on a couch to help with job searches to simple moral and spiritual counsel. If we are being honest, there are probably dozens of good teachers and friends we have had who have impacted us in some meaningful way, even if it was subtle and even quite brief.

These little interventions can be things someone looks forward to. The time Randy and Gary spend jogging together can actually be something that Gary looks forward to for the whole week, anticipating it with joy. Even as cynical and angry as Gary can be, part of him will always appreciate that call he gets from his friend, and view it as one of the highlights of the week.

Moreover, many of the problems that we face are partially external. Gary may be depressed because his job sucks and he is afraid of going to a different job. Gary may be sad and despairing of ever finding a real connection because his long-time girlfriend just cheated on him. Gary may have recently had a family member die, or even an important pet. Even seemingly minor issues can cause us to spiral downwards.

Randy’s aid can help Gary find a way out of these problems. Again, this is killing two birds with one stone.

The fact is that we as human beings tend to be very bad at asking for help. Those of us who are hurt don’t want to show others how badly it hurts, out of fear that they will judge us or take advantage of that pain. Those of us who are doing well might not ask for help out of pride. I myself have struggled to ask for help or to express that it might hurt because I did not want to make others think of me as anything less than the juggernaut that might be there to aid them.

But when we actually offer aid, and aid that is specific, then the other person can accept it.

In fact, we don’t even have to ask.

Randy could write Gary a cover letter or set him up a dating profile or find the number of a bereavement group and send it to Gary. In that context, Randy would need to tell Gary that it was his pleasure to do it, that he would do it again in a second, and that he expects nothing from Gary in return. Gary can get angry at Randy if Gary pleases, but Randy has done nothing wrong. He just offered a little bit of work, with no quid pro quo.

When constructing your interventions, then, be mindful of the following:

1) Be non-coercive. Respect the autonomy of the other person.

2) Try to offer as many options as possible. If they don’t want to jog, consider offering to swim or play basketball instead. If they don’t want anything in that vein, you can simply disengage.

3) Don’t be afraid to hear “No”. The offer is itself skillful. And when the person who you are aiding reinforces their boundaries, respecting it and kindly moving on as if there is no problem builds trust.

4) Don’t expect immediate improvement. Little interventions take even more time than big ones.

5) Be prepared for them to get angry, or lash out. Also be prepared for them to decide to disclose suddenly.

6) Try to aim at their needs, but don’t be worried if you don’t know enough to do so. Something like a jog or going to a museum should be helpful for virtually everyone on the planet.

7) Be very careful that the intervention is actually helpful and non-harmful.

8) Be very careful to manage gratitude.

9) Don’t commit to something you can’t maintain. As always, be scrupulously honest. If plans change, inform the person as soon as possible.

Still, this can be a good place to begin, and offers you an opportunity to move onto more advanced techniques while having laid the groundwork of trust. It makes you a presence in their life they can rely on.