Sarcastathon 3000

ESTEEMSTERS:



[Pizza Forest. Daria and Jane are dressed up in the goofy animal costumes worn by Pizza Forest employees. Daria is in a skunk costume while Jane is dressed as a fox.]



Daria: Hello, and welcome to the official kickoff of Daria Sarcastathon 3000. The re-run fest for the next millennium.



Jane: Hours and hours of your favorite Daria episodes. A very special retrospective all about life, love and laughter.



Daria: But most of all, about human dignity.



Jane: Mm. Is my tail on straight?



Daria: Let us turn our attention now to the episode that started it all, in which a young girl, fresh-faced and dewey-eyed comes to a new town, full of hopes and dreams.



Jane: We're showing the "Felicity" pilot?



Daria: No, no, no. The very first half-hour of "Daria" -- "Esteemsters."





CAFE DISAFFECTO:



[Coffee house. Daria and Jane are dressed as beatnicks. They are both wearing berets. Daria is holding a set of bongos while Jane carries a copy of the book "Howl."]



Daria: You are watching Sarcastathon 3000. The Daria retrospective they said couldn't be done. Or was that "shouldn't"?



Jane: Oh, my, America. Beware of the pin-striped jackal commerce, jaws a-drip with commercial breaks, burying the rotting carcass of my beatific vision under the maggot-ridden piles of "Road Rules" re-runs.



Daria: Who's hungry?



Jane: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Wait a minute. My generation has no best minds.



Daria: What about Christina Aguilera?



Jane: Oops. Spoke too soon.



Daria: I dig. Here's "Cafe Disaffecto."





PINCH SITTER:



[Child's room. Daria and Jane are dressed up as little kids. Daria has her hair in pigtails and is holding a lollipop. Jane has a bow in her hair and has a teddy bear under one arm.]



Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.



Daria: The place where alienated, resentful kids rule.



Jane: Now let's regress to "Pinch Sitter," the show where Daria and I babysit some underage automatons.



Daria: A job not dissimilar to that of programming MTV.



Jane: Except you don't have to go on asinine countryside retreats where you and your colleagues make nice to pretend you're not all competing for the same job.



Daria: Or squander reams of paper every week sending memos to your boss about what a fantastic job you're doing.



Jane: Or wake up at 3am in a cold sweat, obsessing about how you got scooped by "Entertainment Tonight" on the story of Eminem's lost Post-Its.



Daria: On the other hand, babysitting pays less than being an MTV exec.



Jane: Way, way less.



Daria: (bt) Hmm. Jane, take a memo.





ROAD WORRIER:



[Daria and Jane are dressed up as rock stars. Jane is holding a guitar and wearing sunglasses. Daria has pink hair and is holding a microphone. There is a large concert stage in the background.]



Jane: Yo, people! Let's give it up for the next episode of Sarcastathon 3000. Yeah!



Daria: This one's for you, America.



Jane: Well, that's enough of that crap. Our next offering is "Road Worrier."



Daria: Again?



Jane: It's a regular "Highway to Humiliation" when Daria and I hitch a ride to the Alternapalooza festival with Trent and Jesse.



Daria: Why do we have to show this one over and over?



Jane: Daria did all her own stunts, including being stung by a bee, sitting on a sandwich, and going to the bathroom on the side of the road.



Daria: Speaking of bodily functions, do these pants have a zipper? (bt) Wardrobe!



Jane: Scissors?





THE TEACHINGS OF DON JAKE:



[Forest background. Daria and Jane are dressed as fairy-like creatures -- Daria with large wings and a wand, and Jane with antenna and a flute.]



Daria: You are still watching Sarcastathon 3000.



Jane: Our next spritely episode is "The Teachings of Don Jake."



Daria: Oh, puckish elf, 'tis this the one whence I go camping with my family?



Jane: Yea verily, this 'tis. And 'twas from whence the "B" story cometh wherein Trent and I attendeth the family reunion.



Daria: Foresooth, such merry antics do most assuredly amuse.



Jane: Pray thee, maiden, why are we dress-e-thed in these ridiculous outfits? Remindeth me.



Daria: Why, to ropeth our audience into watching episodes they've already seen.



Jane: Ah. What fools these mortals be.





THE MISERY CHICK:



[Eerie cemetary, nighttime. Daria and Jane are dressed in goth attire. Daria is holding a skull and Jane appears to be petting a bat.]



Daria: And now Sarcastathon 3000 pays a visit to the dark side. Join us as we journey deep into the woods.



Jane: To knock upon the forbidding door of a dank, gloomy cottage perched on the edge of a black, fetid lake.



Daria: A cottage smelling faintly but unmistakably of death.



Jane: We knock.



Daria: The door creaks slowly open.



Jane: (perky) Hello! Would you like to buy a subscription to "TV Guide" so the Junior chorus can visit Disney World?



Daria: You really are a mood killer, aren't you?



Jane: And speaking of mood killers, here's our big finale from way back in Season One -- "The Misery Chick."





ARTS 'N CRASS:



[Artist's studio. Daria is behind a large screen, apparently nude, while Jane stands beside her in painter's smock, holding a pallette.]



Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000. Is it cold in here?



Jane: Come on out, Daria. The cartoon body is nothing to be ashamed of.



Daria: If I come out, it's just gonna feed those rumors about us.



Jane: Hmm, wouldn't want to do that. Ok, then. I'll just do this nude painting of you from memory.



Daria: What's with this stupid set-up, anyway?



Jane: We're introducing our Season Two opener, "Arts 'N Crass." The one about the painting.



Daria: Was it a nude painting?



Jane: No.



Daria: Was it a painting of me?



Jane: No.



Daria: Then what the Hell am I doing standing here getting frostbite?



Jane: Well, ratings have been down a bit, and we had a meeting and thought, you know, spice up the show a little!



Daria: Meeting? Where was I?



Jane: Roll tape!





I DON'T:



[Church. Daria is wearing a wedding dress while Jane wears a tux and is holding a wedding ring.]



Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.



Daria: Hmm. This is not exactly how I pictured my wedding.



Jane: You? I thought at my wedding I'd at least get to be the bride.



Daria: Stop complaining. They threw you a bachelor party, didn't they?



Jane: True. Anyway, our next offering is "I Don't," wherein Daria here attends the nuptuals of her cousin Erin.



Daria: It was a fairy tale wedding. Unfortunately, no one was eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.



Jane: If anyone here knows a reason why this episode should not be aired, speak now or forever hold your peace. (bt) Okey-doke! Let's go.



Daria: You rented the Rolls to take us to the reception, right?



Jane: Yes, Dear.





PIERCE ME:



[Piercing/tattoo parlor. Daria and Jane are covered in piercings and tattoos, and are dressed in typical grunge attire.]



Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000, where those who forget the past are doomed to watch repeats of it.



Jane: Not repeats. Encore performances.



Daria: Very special encore performances. And this time, it's personal.



Jane: Oh, looky, next up is "Pierce Me," where Daria gets to spend some quality with my brother, Trent.



Daria: Who taught me how to set myself apart from the herd by punching holes in my skin like everyone else.



Jane: Hey, whatever happened to your very special feelings for Trent?



Daria: Like tattoos, those feelings were painful to acquire and sure to embarrass me in my old age.



Jane: (grins) Tattoos are permanent, Daria.



Daria: Oh, please.





DARIA!:



[Old-fashioned backstage dressing room. Daria is in a bright blue suit with a matching top hat. Jane is dressed as a typical showgirl, complete with large feather head-piece and gaudy jewelry.]



Daria: We're in the final stretch of Sarcastathon 3000, also known as look back in irritation.



Jane: It's time for "Daria!" the musical, and I'm 'a gettin' the urge to hoof.



Daria: Jane, you know we can't dance. That would require animation.



Jane: God, they're so cheap here, it's a wonder they're letting us move our lips.



Daria: (lips not moving) Don't give them any ideas.





IT HAPPENED ONE NUT:



[The mall. Daria and Jane are dressed as giant peanuts. They're each holding a small container of nuts.]



Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000, where we're feeling kind of...nutty!



Daria: Our next episode is "It Happened One Nut." Hence the incredibly humiliating get-ups.



Jane: Oh, come on Daria. Where's your usual dry-roasted sense of humor?



Daria: If you make some dumbass remark about coming out of my shell, I'm walking.



Jane: Hey, don't get all worked up. I'm in this thing, too.



Daria: I guess that's true. (bt) What?



Jane: Almond this thing too.



Daria: Could someone get my agent on the phone?





DARIA DANCE PARTY:



[Fancy ballroom. Daria is dressed in a top hat and tails, while Jane is wearing a ball gown and holding a fan. She looks like she's in pain. *note* Some of the dialog is missing, due to technical difficulties that occurred when this sketch aired.]



Daria: Journey into the past... (missing dialog) ...Jane, how shall we introduce our next episode?



Jane: Can't talk. 18-inch waist.



Daria: In this show, "Daria Dance Party," Jane and I actually attend a social function.



Jane: Losing consciousness.



Daria: Don't do that. There's no money in the animation budget for fainting.



Jane: Feeling better. Gaining strength.



Daria: Here's "Daria Dance Party."





THE LAWNDALE FILE:



[An alien planet with Earth visible in the background. Daria and Jane are dressed as aliens and are both weilding ray guns.]



Jane: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.



Daria: People of earth, prepare to bow down before our invincible irony and sarcasm.



Jane: Surrender your pizza or face the unstoppable onslaught of our trenchant wit. Nah, just kidding. We come in peace.



Daria: Speak for yourself.



Jane: This next show is "The Lawndale Files," and it's a frightful tail of suspicion and paranoia.



Daria: So if, like me, your biggest regret is being born too late for the Nixon years, here's the next best thing.



Jane: Enjoy.



Daria: For tomorrow, you become our slaves.





SPEEDTRAPPED:



[Long stretch of road and open country, complete with cactus and tumbleweed. Jane and Daria are dressed in western wear, complete with chaps, cowboy hats, and bandanas.]



Daria: Welcome back to Sarcastathon 3000.



Jane: Howdy, pardners. Lay out your bedroll and rustle up some grub, 'cuz we got some crazy goin's on a' comin' at ya faster than a doggie runnin' from the red hot brandin' iron.



Daria: Have you gone completely mad?



Jane: Come on, Daria. Get on the western tip.



Daria: Umm...I've got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle?



Jane: No, no, no. Watch me. Next up is "Speedtrapped," where yours truly, Calamity Jane Lane, saddles up for adventure in cowboy country and ends up lassoin' m'self a mighty heap full o' trouble. (bt) Alrighty. (bt) You betcha. (bt) Yippee-i-o-



Daria: Alright!





I LOATHE A PARADE:



[A large parade float on the street. Daria is dressed in a blue and yellow band uniform and is holding a tuba. Jane is dressed in a drum major outfit and is carrying a baton.]



Jane: Strike up the band and shout "Hip Hooray!" Sarcastathon 3000 continues.



Daria: I asked for a piccolo.



Jane: This next episode is "I Loathe a Parade," and although I don't want to give anything away, let's just say it explores issues of loyalty and trust. (bt, glance at Daria) I told you, I'm over it.



Daria: Then can you put that baton down, please?





OF HUMAN BONDING:



[The bedroom of an anonymous house. There is a sleeping bag on the floor. Daria is wearing, clutching a pillow. Jane is wearing a short nightgown and is carrying a bowl of popcorn.]



Jane: Don't touch that cable remote. It's Sarcastathon 3000.



Daria: How's that popcorn?



Jane: Beats me. I'm stuck in this idiotic slumber party pose while you explain how it relates to the upcoming episode.



Daria: Well, let's see, in "Of Human Bonding," I grow a little closer to my father as a direct result of avoiding my sister.



Jane: What the Hell does that have to do with me in a nighty?



Daria: Is that real butter?



Jane: We aren't even real people.





GROPED BY AN ANGEL:



[The gates of Heaven. Jane and Daria are, of course, dressed as angels. White robes, halos, harps...the whole nine yards.]



Jane: There's more of Sarcastathon 3000 on the horizon.



Daria: Pray tell, what's next?



Jane: It's time to get "Groped by an Angel," our exploration of the mystical side of life.



Daria: Here I grapple with challenges to my skeptical world view.



Jane: So, what are you? True believer? Athiest? Agnostic?



Daria: Let's just say I'm not sure I'd want to join any religion that would have me as a member.





Dye! Dye! My Darling!:



[Hair salon. Jane has spikey orange hair and Daria has bright pink hair.]



Jane: Wow! We've made it to the last episode in our Sarcastathon 3000 marathon.



Daria: I think my brain is fried.



Jane: That's from the double processed color.



Daria: Speaking of which, here's the final episode of our fourth season, "Dye! Dye! My Darling!" where you could say that things come to a head between Jane and me.



Jane: But we've worked it out, and now I'm once again friends with this (hair dryer noises) to my left.



Daria: Righty-o, you (hair dryer noises).





FIZZ ED:



[The exterior of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane look like they've been through Hell. Their faces are dirty, clothes are wrinkled and hair is dishevelled.]



Jane: We've come to the end of Sarcastathon 3000, and I for one am quite glad we're back to normal.



Daria: Normal?



Jane: And now, believe it or not, something you haven't seen before. A season premiere, as it were.



Daria: Coming right up, the first episode of "Daria" season five, "Fizz Ed," another deep, deep saga in the "Daria" tradition you've come to cherish.



Jane: A story of right and wrong. Good and evil. The profound and fundamental moral issues of life.



Daria: Because my friends, we are nothing if not deep. (bt) I'm pretty sure my boots are on the wrong feet.



Jane: Do you think I should change my look?

