SALESMAN A: Some people think you’re their maid. They expect you to wrap it, and carry it, and decorate it for them. Others have an attitude problem. I almost told a customer years back to go fuck himself. He was such an asshole. He almost made me cry. He was, like, this rich Wall Street guy, and he had two friends with him, so you know he was on his little power trip, showing off to them. He just kept making me open the biggest trees I had; I think I went through six in a row. And the whole time, he kept criticizing my trees and swearing at me, yet insisted on sticking around. He was trying to make me feel stupid. I knew I could make a lot of money on that sale, so I had to take it. I almost snapped. But I’m proud that I managed to keep it together.

This year, it’s better, but there was a point where I had like three or four successive customers grinding on me. I was on my knees working, and this woman kept complaining while I was trying to help another customer. I just looked at her and said: “There are other Christmas tree stands for blocks in every direction. If you don’t like what you see, go complain to those people, but don’t waste my time.” She goes, “Oh, I’m coming back.”

You meet all sorts of characters. I once sold a $200 tree to a guy who turned out to be Jewish. He called it his “Hanukkah Bush.” Another time, this couple came out of the bar across the street after last call, and the dude just forked over $120 to buy a tree for his girl. Some people are just super nice. One guy buys trees for all of his friends and clients, and decorates them himself. He offered us to come up and take a shower and watch TV. Occasionally, you even get a celebrity.

Everybody thinks they can haggle. I don’t understand why, but they all expect us to give them a deal. I guess since there isn’t a literal price tag that you can scan, they think we’re making up the prices. A lot of people suspect we’re chiseling them or something. But no. This is what we’re working with and we’re doing what we can. I’m more than willing to work with people. If I show them a tree and they’re like “Well it’s got a big gap here.” I’ll be like, “Well, of course it does. That’s a discount.” But some people will show up and think they can get a beautiful, flawless tree for a bargain. They’ll see a $120 tree and say, “Will you take $80?” That’s like a 40% discount.

SALESMAN B: There are always picky customers. Obviously, people have the right to choose, but sometimes they’ll go over the limit trying to optimize their decision. I’ve stood in the pouring rain for 45 minutes holding two trees in my arms because somebody couldn’t decide. The whole time I’m thinking, “Please just make a choice. Or come back and see me when you’re ready.”

Some people are simply rude. Other people think that by insulting you, they’ll get a discount. Others like to use their position as bargaining power, like “I’m a policeman” or “I’m a postman.” That’s not how it works. I’d rather give a break to someone who doesn’t have a good salary. It’s more amusing than anything. The classic scenario is a woman sends a man to get a tree, and she’s not happy with his decision so she comes back and yells at us. Like, your husband picked it, not me dude.

SALESMAN C: I don’t get too many bad customers, but weird stuff has happened. Last year, we had to ride on top of an elevator in the elevator shaft because the tree wouldn’t fit in the stairwell or inside the elevator. It was one of those old hand-operated elevators. We had to balance this 13-foot tree and pull it into the apartment on a diagonal. It was actually really fun.