YOU know, I really hate upsetting people.

Saying the wrong thing and watching them get outraged and furious — I can’t bear it.

Especially liberals and luvvies — and even more so, liberal luvvies.

8 Emma Watson gave an address as a Goodwill Ambassador at the United Nations General Assembly last week Credit: Getty Images

They are such wonderful people I want them to live their lives free from ever having to take offence.

Because they’re worth it.

So you can imagine how saddened I am that last week I put my size 13 foot in it.

I was stupid enough to say nasty things about Hermione Granger — you know, that lass from Harry Potter who was good at spells and shagged Ron Weasley. I think.

8 The actress is best known for her role as Hermione in Harry Potter Credit: Film Company

The actress who plays Hermione, Emma Watson, had given an address to the United Nations General Assembly.

Nope, I have not the remotest idea why someone had asked her to do that. That was kinda the point of my article.

But uh oh, Twitter went into meltdown. And then the bloggers took it up. Some airheaded bimbo who writes about celebrities said I “exemplified the sexism” that Emma had been talking about.

No I didn’t, poppet. I would have been just as nasty if Dumbledore or Hagrid had been invited to address the UN General Assembly.

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Then I was attacked by the lead singer of the truly God-awful Duran Duran copyists The 1975. (Officially Britain’s Worst Band, according to the NME. Yep, wouldn’t dissent from that.)

Matt Healy got very aerated. Matt, mate, chill a little. Your time in the limelight will be vanishingly brief, so make the most of it and don’t get too hot under the collar.

Here’s the point I was trying to make, again.

I’m sick to the gullet of actors, actresses, pop stars and comedians being taken seriously when they deliver their views of how horrible the world is and what we have to do to put it right

I don’t mind them saying what they think — I just object to serious people, such as the UN, giving them credence.

8 The Sun columnist is fed up of Bono and Bob Geldof using their influence as popstars to preach on issues Credit: Getty Images - FilmMagic

They are almost always insulated by enormous wealth from the experiences of normal people.

And they are not experts, are they? A lot of the time they know nowt.

If the UN General Assembly wants to know about sexism and sexual abuse on expensive university campuses, then invite along someone who has truly suffered, or knows a bit about it.

The only reason they invited Emma was to bask in her starlight. It is stupid, self-serving and an insult to the real victims of sexual abuse.

8 The Sun columnist says the Spice Girls and other celebrities should not be UN Goodwill Ambassadors Credit: Rex Features

And here’s another thing. Don’t make any of the Spice Girls, or Nicole Kidman, or Anne Hathaway, “UN Goodwill Ambassadors”.

And governments — when Bono ’n’ Bob tell you to do something, tell them to get stuffed.

Don’t meet them for discussions. They are just mega-rich pop stars, not oracles of incredible wisdom.

It is time we got real about this. There is no greater reason to invite Emma Watson to address the UN General Assembly than there is to invite your local butcher, plumber or cab driver.

Less, in fact — because at least those traders live in the same world as the rest of us.

TA-RA TO A CAREER CORRIE actor Marc Anwar seems a lovely chap, doesn’t he? Well, I say “Corrie actor”, but he’s just been sacked. The Pakistani Muslim called Indians “b******s” and “p***-drinking c***s”. Nice. Trying to make a martyr of himself, Anwar responded to his sacking by saying: “No human controls my livelihood but my Allah.”

Hmmm.

Well it looks very much like your Allah thinks you should be stacking shelves in a supermarket in Lahore.

Because there’ll be no more acting jobs over here, inshallah.

Ab Lab way of losing

MORE brilliance from the Labour Party, up at their wake in Liverpool.

First that gobby pantomime dame Diane Abbott castigates Brexiteers as “racists”. Apparently we can’t bear to look at foreign people.

Good, that’s 52 per cent of the population who won’t be voting Labour, then.

8 Labour's Diane Abbott called all 52 per cent of the UK who voted for Brexit 'racist' Credit: Getty Images

Later that little ball of epic self-regard, Shami Chakrabarti, begged moderate Labour members not to leave.

Because, she said, she didn’t want to be left alone in the country with “Essex Man”.

Right-o, so that’s 52 per cent of the population PLUS all of Essex who won’t be voting Labour.

Keep digging that hole, you cretins, keep digging.

WORLD'S UNLUCKIEST MAN LET’S hear it for the unluckiest man alive. An unnamed young Australian bloke ventured into a portable loo a few months ago.

As soon as he’d whipped his todger out, a deadly redback spider sunk its venomous fangs into it. Ouch, etc.

Fast forward to the summer and the same bloke felt the need to relieve himself again in a portable loo, miles away from the first one. Yep, same thing happened. Up popped the redback, with a gleeful look on its little face, and pounced on his old fella, injecting it with a cocktail of neurotoxins.

I suspect it was the same spider, and that it was stalking him. “Call me greedy, but I just can’t get enough of this bloke’s willy.”

The man survived, but his todger looks like it’s just done 12 rounds with Tyson Fury.

Sam's greed cost him everything

O – who’s going to be the next England boss? The short answer is – who the hell cares?

Our national team is so inept and the players so full of themselves that I really couldn’t give a monkey’s if they gave the job to Jeremy Corbyn.

But can you even begin to understand the greed of Sam Allardyce?

8 Sam Allardyce gambled away a £3mil contract for a measly £400,000 Credit: PA:Press Association

Handed a whopping three-million-quid contract in order to convince our overpaid moppets they can beat the likes of Slovenia.

And he risks it all to pocket what is, to him, a measly £400,000.

But then greed is rife throughout our national game, isn’t it?

GENERATION SNOWFLAKE ERE’S some more news from our fabulous universities. Students studying archaeology at a London college have been told they can leave lectures and seminars if they find the content too distressing. That is, if they feel a bit squeamish about looking at old bones and stuff. Which is, of course, the point of archaeology. They’re not alone, mind. There was more absurd mollycoddling a year or so back at another uni, when students studying forensic science were also told they could opt out of the gory bits. Then why would you study forensic science? What did you think it would involve? I may take up a course in physics but ask to be excused whenever they talk about Boyle’s Law. This says that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature. It’s always upset me, that law. I can’t really explain why.

Same old Tory for Donald

SPOILED for choice, our American cousins, aren’t they?

A blustering bore versus a woman who may actually be a re-animated corpse.

Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are loathed by vast sections of the US public.

8 Neither presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, is especially well-liked by our American cousins Credit: Rex Features

The pundits reckon ol’ stone face, Hillary, won the first televised debate. But I wouldn’t be so sure.

Don’t forget the Shy Trumpers – people who intend to vote for The Donald but are too scared to tell anyone.

That’s how the Tories won the last election, if you remember.

A liberal media pours scorn on the right-wingers so people are reluctant to say they’re going to vote for them.





Zoe, just grow up

FEELING a bit sorry for ol’ Fatboy Slim. His missus, Zoe Ball, has left him because he’s “boring”.

Zoe wants to go out every night and get drunk and shag everything in sight, apparently.

8 The Sun columnist says Zoe needs to start acting her age Credit: pixel 8000

Don’t worry, Norman. Most people start acting with a bit of dignity by the time they’re 40.

Zoe’s five years on from that milestone, but I’m sure she’ll get there in the end.

There’s nothing more pathetic than watching middle-aged people “partying” like they were 17.