Orioles Owner UnPeterAngelos graces our editorial desk with yet another Home Opener exclusive, aren’t you jealous?



Hello, Oriole Money-Teets. Welcome to an exciting season of baseball in the asbestos capital of the world. As you might have guessed, I’m a bit of a poet. And the brisk tingle of a reluctant spring, has set my creative loins aflame. Enjoy the warm, moist fruits of my love for the greatest-ish players in baseball—in traditional haiku:

NICK MARKAKIS

You make me feel things

in my Greek parts as you slash

doubles to left field.









BRIAN ROBERTS

Gentle Brian, the world is cruel.

Let me roll you

in bubble wrap, child.











JJ HARDY

Soul patch at shortstop

I’ll watch you drink a Pabst as

you oil your glove.











CHRIS DAVIS

Sweet, baby-faced man.

Muscled Peter Pan at bat.

Swing for the fences.











MANNY MACHADO

Like Brooks Robinson

Hispanical sensation

Please don’t suck this year.











MATT WIETERS

I hear your poor knees

scream at me from the owner’s

box. Take a day off.











ADAM JONES

Hubba Bubba god

wandering the outfield grass

and tweeting his lunch.











NOLAN REIMOLD

Breaking bones. Tearing

tendons. Turning our dugout

into an ER.











DARREN O’DAY

Submariner with

an above-ground pool boy charm.

Throw at Jeter’s ear.











NATE MCLOUTH

Chin like Mount Rushmore.

You remind me of Irish

gangsters. Murder balls.











TOMMY HUNTER

Ninety-nine on the

speed gun. Serving up home runs.

Sloth love Chunk. I don’t.











JAKE ARRIETA

Sometimes you pitch well.

Sometimes you don’t. And sometimes

I trade with Houston.











NEW YORK YANKEES

Fuck you.

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