by “Vladimir Putin” (aka Logan Overstreet)

Hello Western dogs, this is your (sort of) friend President Vladimir Putin from the great, advanced country of Russia. I’ve recently been in the press a lot and have learned a little about what does and doesn’t work when you’re trying to build a brand. Please grab your favorite borscht, put on some Tchaikovsky and read over my top tips for branding!

1. Don’t Lie:

Due to my time in the KGB I’ve had a very hard time getting around this one (if I even have at this point — haha!) but the most important lesson I can share is that it is never a good idea to lie. I’ve faked many elections and found fake ancient Greek artifacts and all of this has done nothing to help me in my relentless quest for absolute power! Even though I thought this would give me legitimacy, my electioneering has only had to increase in intensity, thus digging me deeper into this web of lies!

2. Don’t let your emotions set the tone of the conversation:

I obviously was really angry when one of our awesome nuclear submarines sank (probably because of a Western conspiracy) and I stupidly let this get across when I curtly responded to Larry King’s question of “What happened to the Kursk?” with “She Sank.” I also recently said that Russia should destroy Saudi Arabia after an unconnected attack in Russia early in 2014. Both of these events show how passionate I am but also how detrimental that can be, undermining my carefully tweaked image of a cool, collected strongman! These incidents also raise doubts about the sincerity of my perfected image. No matter, I’ll just keep rigging — oops! I mean “winning” — elections anyways!

3. Have an opinion — and don’t Flip-Flop:

Recently I’ve been flip-flopping on a lot of issues, whether granting amnesty to those pesky Western Greenpeace activists, freeing my arch-nemesis Khodorkovsky or that dissenting punk band Pussy Riot. This is mainly because of my advisors and their silly publicity drive for our Sochi Winter Olympics. The lesson here (especially if you’re me) is that if you flip flop, you lose credibility and are seen as someone subject to the whims of whomever is demands which I am most certainly am not doing!

Enough advice for now, I have the Olympics to deal with. This has been fun!

All the best,

Vladimir ‘Vladdy’ Putin