Previously on Twinkie Town:

Elsewhere in Twins Territory:

Around the World in Bases and Balls:

Old Timey Player of the Week: Oyster Burns

Oyster Burns, which sounds like one of the most disgusting potential types of burns, was born Thomas P. Burns in 1864. I don’t know what the P stands for, but as you’ll come to see, there is a good chance it stood for “Piece of Shit.” His “Oyster” moniker comes from him selling shellfish during the off season, which means if we were still as creative as they were in 1864, we would have a player named Uber Dobnak. Burns was described in newspapers as a loudmouth and as having “an irritating voice and personality.”

Oyster debuted at the age of 19 for the Wilmington Quicksteps, but quickly found himself as a Baltimore Oriole. He had a great rookie season with Baltimore, leading them In homeruns with an astounding 6. Unfortunately for Oyster, his sophomore campaign was less inspiring, and he found himself demoted to the Newark Domestics, a team with a name I’m not even going to touch.

The next year Burns was not only promoted back to Baltimore, he also became the team captain. At least until he was fined 25 entire dollars for throwing a baseball at an opposing pitcher after grounding out. Later in that season, Burns was moved by his owner to the Brooklyn Bridegrooms, a team he also owned. Brooklyn newspapers took to him as others had, describing his voice as reminiscent of a buzz saw and giving him the distinction of being “the noisiest man that ever played on the Brooklyn team.”

2 seasons later in 1890, between double headers, fellow Bridegroom Tom Daly was napping in center field when our hero stabbed him in the stomach with a penknife. Daly woke up, understandably confused, and rolled over, causing the knife to sever a tendon. Why did this happen? I have no idea. I guess these are just the things you do when you are an angry ballplayer named after slimy sea creatures in the 1800s. Daly was out for 2 weeks, Burns doesn’t appear to have even been punished.

In 1895, Burns left the Bridegrooms, presumably finally completing the wedding, and became a New York Giant. It would be his last major league season. Oyster moved back to Brooklyn, having fond memories of stabbing dudes for no reason there, where he lived until he died in 1928. RIP is you delightful bastard.

Today’s Soundtrack: