Downtown Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

Instrumental. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Da Paramount Pictures/Warner Bros. Pictures logo crossfades/fades tha fuck into Downtown Parkz mountain range. Da camera stops all up in tha hood sign as two birdz carry a funky-ass banner readin "Bigger, Longer & Uncut". Da camera moves past tha sign ta tha front of tha Marsh residence. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan exits his fuckin lil' doggy den n' headz towardz town. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude scoops up some snow n' tosses it up in tha air, then dances as it falls on his muthafuckin ass fo' realz. As he passes by TELE'S, various episodez of Terrizzle n' Phillip play on tha televizzlez behind tha window. Then he runs tha fuck into a playa carryin a funky-ass box full of stuff, then moves on

Stan

[relaxed] Therez a funky-ass bunch of birdz up in tha sky,

And some deers just went hustlin by.'Oh, tha snowz pure n' white on tha earth, rich n' brown!

Just

A-

nother Sundizzle mornin up in my

quiet

mountain

town.



[brisk] Da sun is shinin n' tha grass is green

Under tha three feet of snow, I mean.

This is tha dizzle when itz hard ta wear a gangbangin' frown!



All tha aiiight playas stop ta say "hello,"



Hoodsman Git outta mah way hommie!

Stan

Even though tha temperaturez low.

It aint nuthin but a slick Sundizzle mornin up in my

quiet

lil

mountain

town.



Stan crosses tha street n' reaches Tomz Rhinoplasty, where his crazy-ass mom, Sharon, works as tha receptionist yo. Dude shows her a porno ad

Sharon Well, phat morning, Stan!

Stan Momma can I have eight dollars ta peep a porno?

Sharon A porno?

Stan Yeah. It aint nuthin but gonna be tha dopest porno eva n' shit. It aint nuthin but a gangbangin' foreign film, from Canada.

Sharon All right, here you go. But be back fo' supper son!

Stan Thanks, mom!

Dude leaves n' strutts brightly down tha street. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch watches his ass until he reaches Kennyz house, then returns ta work

Sharon

Oh, what tha fuck a picture-slick lil pimp dawwwg!

Just like Jizzy, tha pimpin' muthafucka tender n' mild.

He'd wear a smile while da thug wore a thorny crown.

What a angel, wit a ass so dope n' sure.

And a mind so open n' pure.

Thank Dogg our slick asses live up in this

quiet

redneck

mountain

town!



Kennyz house. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan strutt up n' knocks

Stan Dude biaaatch! Dude, wake up! [Kenny rises n' gets dressed] Kenny, come on!

Kenny [tightens his hood] (Coming!)

Stan Kenny dawwwwg! Da Terrizzle n' Phillip porno is out. Yo ass wanna come?

Kenny (Yeah, dude. Come on, letz go.) [they strutt away...]

Mrs. McCormick [appearin all up in tha door] Where do you be thinkin you're going?

Kenny (To tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno.)

Mrs. McCormick Yo ass can't son! Yo ass gotta git all up in church!

Kenny (But Mom, I wanna peep dis porno!)

Mrs. McCormick Well, fine. Go ahead n' miss church fo' realz. And then, when you take a thugged-out dirtnap n' git all up in hell, you can answer ta Satan!

Kenny (...Okay!)

Stan n' Kenny strutt away n' step over a homeless playa on tha street. They pass tha church they should have gone tha fuck into fo' Sundizzle skillz

Stan

Yo ass can peep yo' breath hangin up in tha air.

Yo ass peep homeless playas yo, but you just couldn't give a fuckin shit.

It aint nuthin but a sea of smilez up in which we'd be glad ta drown!



Kenny

(Don't you know, biatch? It aint nuthin but like a slick winta day

And dat I be glad I can say)



Stan

Thatz right playa!

It aint nuthin but Sundizzle mornin [with church choir] up in our

quiet

lil

white-bred

redneck

mountain

town!



Kyle fucks wit Ike outside tha house

Ike Bah bah bababah!

Kyle Ready, Ike, biatch? Kick tha baby hommie!

Ike Don't kick tha baby.

Kyle Kick tha baby. [kicks Ike all up in tha window, n' Ike squeals wit delight]

Sheila Ike biaaatch! Yo ass broke another window! Thatz a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass baby dawwwwg! Baaad baby hommie!

Stan n' Kenny reach Kylez house

Stan Kyle biaaatch! We goin ta tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno biaaatch! [shows Kyle tha porno ad]

Kyle Oh mah God, dude biaaatch! [begins ta strutt away wit Stan n' Kenny]

Sheila Kyle, where is you going?!

Kyle Uh... We goin ice-skating.

Sheila Well, take yo' lil brutha up wit you, biatch.

Kyle Aw, ma. Dat punk not even mah real brutha n' shit. Dat punk adopted.

Sheila Do as I say, Kyle biaatch!

Kyle Okay, aiiight, I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit.

Da thugs leave, n' Sheila goes back up in n' begins ta sing. Near tha end of her part her dope ass dances across tha livin room n' endz wit a high kick as Gerald readz tha mornin paper.

Sheila

Look at dem frail n' fragile thugs,

It straight-up gets me down.

Da ghetto is such a rotten place,

And hood gamez a cold-ass lil complete disgrace biaatch!

Thatz why I moved ta this

redneck

meshuggeneh

qui-

et

moun-

tain

town!

[Ike flies all up in tha other window] Ike biaaatch! Shiznitty baby dawwwwg! [he hops up n' away]

Ike Tay fo' a funky-ass bah.

Cartman watches TV n' munches on Cheesy Poofs

Announcer This program is brought ta you by Snacky S'mores, tha creamy funk of s'mores up in a thugged-out delightful cookie crunch. [the doorbell rings]

Cartman Mom, some muthafuckaz all up in tha door son!

Liane Coming, hon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [passes by up in front of him]

Cartman Ay dawwwwg! Can't peep tha TV!

Tomothy Pusslicker It aint nuthin but been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was capped by a ounce ta tha bounce of wild boars, n' tha ghetto is still glad ta be rid of his muthafuckin ass.

Liane Oh, look, Eric. It aint nuthin but yo' lil playas. [the thugs enter]

Ike Cartman!

Cartman What is you muthafuckas bustin here?! [they show his ass tha porno ad] Oh, dope, dude biaaatch! Yes muthafucka! Yes!

All five thugs now head fo' tha theater

Da thugs

[regal, quickening] Off ta tha pornos we shall go,

where our slick asses learn every last muthafuckin thang dat we know,

Cause tha pornos teach our asses what tha fuck our muthafathas aint gots time ta say hommie!

And dis pornoz gonna make our lives complete,

[slowing] 'Cause Terrizzle n' Phillip is dope biaatch!



Cartman Supa dope biaatch!

Da thugs

Thank Dogg our slick asses live up in a

quiet

lil

redneck

podunk

white-trash



Kenny (Kenny!)

Da thugs U! S! A!

Stan [now all up in tha ticket booth] Can I have five tickets ta Terrizzle n' Phillip: Assez of Fire, please?

Clerk No!

There is brief silence as tha noize takes a thugged-out dirt nap down at his bangin response.

Kyle What do you mean, no?

Clerk Terrizzle n' Phillip: Assez of Fire has been rated R by tha Motion Picture Association of America. Yo ass gotta be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Kyle But why?

Clerk Because dis porno has naughty language biaaatch! Next, please biaaatch! [three bigger lil playas move up in line n' loot they tickets]

Stan This...this can't be happening!

Kyle We have ta peep dis porno, dude biaatch!

Cartman Aw, screw dat shit. Well shiiiit, it probably aint all dat phat anyway.

Kyle Cartman, what tha fuck is you poppin' off about, biatch? Yo ass ludd Terrizzle n' Phillip!

Cartman Yeah yo, but tha animationz all crappy. [the thugs sadly begin struttin away]

Stan Wait, I've gots a idea...

Da Bijou ticket booth. Da thugs is back, dis time wit tha bum Stan n' Kenny hopped over earlier n' shiznit yo. Dude holdz they scrilla.

Bum Uh, hi...I want six tickets ta Assez of Fire.

Clerk Sir, dis porno might not be appropriate fo' yo' lil ones.

Bum [to Stan] Yo, da perved-out muthafucka say dis porno aint appropriate fo' you, biatch.

Stan Look, Mista Muthafuckin homeless muthafucka, if you don't wanna loot our asses tickets, n' not git yo' ten bucks, n' not go loot yo ass a funky-ass forty of vodka, then be mah guest.

Bum Six tickets,. Biiiatch please.[the clerk rings dem up]

Da theater, inside. Da thugs sit up in tha front row. They have they treats yo, but Cartman is practically buried under his. Da bum aint wit dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

Kyle Let me have some candy, Cartman!

Cartman Oh, letz see, [looks over his stash] uh, nope, I aint gots any Jewish candy.

Kyle Like you straight-up need all dat chocolate, fat pimp hommie!

Ike Ba-ba-ba-ba.

Stan Shh, tha pornoz starting! [A big-ass ass appears on screen bustin shorts, wit tha film title appearin over dat shit. Terrizzle n' Phillip is then shown.]

Da thugs Hooray hommie!

Phillip Say, Terrance, what tha fuck did tha Spanish priest say ta tha Iranian gynecologist?

Terrance I don't give a fuck, Phillip, what, biatch? [Phillip farts on Terrancez face, n' both git tha fuck into hysterics over it]

Stan Where do they come up wit dis stuff?

Terrance Yo ass is such a pigfucker, Phillip!

Kyle [the thugs gasp] What did da perved-out muthafucka say?

Phillip Terrance, why would you call me a pigfucker?

Terrance Well, letz see, first of all, you fuck pigs!

Phillip [thinks] Oh yeah! [both giggle]

Terrance Well, fuck mah ass n' call me a funky-ass biiiatch! [both giggle]

Phillip Oh, you shit-faced cock-masta son!

Da thugs [awestruck] Wow!

Cartman Shiznit-faced cock-master...

Terrance Listen, you donkey-rapin shit-eater...

Kyle Donkey-rapin shit-eater...

Ike Dobee babin sheet-eater.

Terrance You'd fuck yo' uncle biaatch!

Phillip You'd fuck your uncle biaatch!

Terrance

Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fucka!

Yo ass be a cold-ass lil cock-suckin ass-lickin uncle fucka!

Yo ass be a uncle fucka, fo'sho, itz true biaatch!

No Muthafucka fucks unclez like like you, nahmean biiiatch?



Phillip

Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fucka!

Yo ass is tha one dat fucked yo' uncle, uncle fucka!

Yo ass don't smoke or chill or mow tha lawn,

Yo ass just fuck yo' uncle all dizzle long!



[Terrizzle n' Phillip break tha fuck into a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart breakdown] Hm.

[more farts, then they laugh. They bust a funky-ass big-ass fart they way outta tha doggy den n' onto a intersection handled by a mountie. They dizzle n' bust a funky-ass big-ass fart round him, raisin his basebizzle cap off his head nuff muthafuckin times.]



Mountie Whatz goin on here, biatch? [Terrizzle n' Phillip fart, then tha mountie farts, then drivers round dem bust a funky-ass big-ass fart as well fo' realz. Audience thugz begin ta rush up while tha thugs dizzle up in they seats]

Woman What garbage...

Man Well, what tha fuck do you expect, biatch? They're Canuck.

Choir

Uncle...

Fucka...

Uncle Fucka, Uncle Fucka

Uncle...

Fucka...

[By dis time all tha Canucks is ridin' dirty n' fartin wildly]



Terrizzle n' Phillip Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fucka! (Uncle fucka!)

Yo ass be a funky-ass boner-bitin bastard, uncle fucka!

Terrance Yo ass be a uncle fucka, I must say hommie!

Phillip Well, you fucked yo' uncle yesterdizzle hommie!

Terrizzle n' Phillip Uncle fu-cka, thatz U-N-C-L-E. Fuck you, nahmean biiiatch?

Uncle fucka! [all freeze] (Ha ha ha)

Phillip [quick] Suck mah balls.

Outside tha theater n' shit. Da text "3 HOURS LATER..." appears all up in tha bottom of tha screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da doors open n' tha thugs strutt up n' past tha booth

Kyle Dude, dat porno was fuckin dope biaatch!

Cartman Yo ass bet yo' fuckin ass it was!

Stan Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrizzle n' Phillip!

Clerk [sees them] Yo, wait a minute, wherez yo' guardian?

Kyle Huh.., biatch? [the four of dem peep tha clerk]

Clerk I knew dat shiznit son! Yo ass paid a homeless muthafucka ta git you in, didn't yo slick ass?

Brief silence

Cartman Fuck off, you donkey-rapin shit-eater playa! [farts n' begins ta strutt away. Da others follow.]

Kyle Yeah! Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fucka!

Da thugs Yo ass be a ass-lickin ball-suckin uncle fucka!

Starkz Pond, afternoon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Many of tha third gradaz skate over its frozen surface. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan n' his wild lil' playaz arrive n' stand on tha bank.

Clyde [skates up ta them] Yo, where have you muthafuckas been all day?

Stan Oh, nowhere, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Us playas just went ta go peep tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno.

Bebe [all tha lil playas turn n' gasp, then crowd up in on tha thugs] Yo ass already saw it?

Clyde How'd you git in?

Cartman Yo, stop crowdin us, you shit-faced cock-masters!

Kids [awestruck] Wow!

Stan Yeah, you all a funky-ass bunch of ass-rammin uncle fuckers.

Kids [impressed] Ooh...

Clyde [to Token] Our thugged-out asses have gots ta peep dis porno, dude.

Kyle Terrizzle n' Phillip is Canuck, just like mah brother.

Stan [Wendy comes tha fuck into view, n' a cold lil' woo wop skits up in his crazy-ass mind] Therez tha hoe dat I like...

Cartman Yo, Stan, tell bout when Terrizzle called Phillip a testicle shittin rectal wart.

Stan Now, mo' than ever, she gives me butterflies.

It make mah stomach queasy every last muthafuckin time dat biiiiatch strutts by.



Cartman Asshole, I be poppin' off ta you, nahmean biiiatch?

Stan I know I can be def if I try. [smiles. Wendy knows tha pimpin' muthafucka there n' comes at his ass spinnin up in tha air up in a triple Lutz before landin before his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude gets ice all over his wild lil' face.]

Wendy Yea muthafucka, Stan! [he vomits on her] Gross!

Gregory [skates up next ta her] Come, Wendy, let our asses try ta jump tha hilly brush.

Stan [dusts his dirty ass off] Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is you, kid?

Gregory I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a 4-0 grade point average.

Wendy Wanna skate wit us?

Gregory We've been skatin all mornin n' laughing, n' poppin' off of memories' past.

Stan We saw tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno.

Gregory [aloof] Oh ho... Try n' catch me, Wendy dawwwwg! [skates off]

Wendy [sadly] Bye, Stan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [turns n' skates away slowly]

Cartman Yes, fo'sho, I saw tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno. Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck wants ta bust a nut on me son?

Brief silence

Cartman I holla'd whoz ass wants ta fuckin bust a nut on me son?!

Butters [touches Cartman] Ooh.

Clyde Come on, gang, we've gotta peep tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno, too! [the lil playas skate away, n' only Cartman n' Kenny remain]

Cartman I don't give a fuck bout you, Kenny. [Kenny looks back up in anger]

Mista Muthafuckin Garrisonz classroom, Monday. It make me wanna hollar playa! Da lil playas dizzle on they seats n' rap away

Kids

Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fucka!

Yo ass be a funky-ass boner-bitin bastard, uncle fucka!

Yo ass be a un�"

[the doorknob turns n' tha hustlas fall silent. Mista Muthafuckin Garrison entas tha room n' speaks ta dem all up in Mista Muthafuckin yo. Hat]



Mista Muthafuckin yo. Hat Okay, children, letz take our seats, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Our thugged-out asses gotz a shitload ta learn todizzle.

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison We shizzle do, Mista Muthafuckin yo. Hat. [Wendy n' Gregory sit next ta each other up in tha back row. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan looks at dem from across tha room] Okay, children, letz start tha dizzle wit all dem freshly smoked up math problems. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is. [writes a problem on tha board.] What tha fuck iz 5 times 2, biatch? [no one lyrics at first] Come on children, don't be shy, just give it yo' dopest shot. [Clyde smilez n' raises his hand] ..Yes, Clyde?

Clyde 12?

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Okay. Now letz try ta git a answer from one of mah thugs whoz not a cold-ass lil complete retard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ..Every Muthafucka, biatch? Come on, don't be shy.

Kyle [raises his hand] I be thinkin I know tha answer, Mista Muthafuckin Garrison.

Cartman [mocking] Muh muh muh muh muh muh, muh muh muh.

Kyle [shoots back] Shut up, fat pimp hommie!

Cartman Ay dawwwwg! Don't call me fat, you fuckin Jew!

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Eric, did you just say tha F-word?

Cartman ...Jew?

Kyle Fuck dat shit, he poppin' off bout "fuck". Yo ass can't say "fuck" up in school, you fuckin fatass!

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Kyle biaatch!

Cartman Why tha fuck not?

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Eric!

Stan Dude, you just holla'd "fuck" again!

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Stanley hommie!

Kenny (Fuck.)

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Kenny hommie!

Cartman Whatz tha big-ass deal, biatch? It don't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison How tha fuck would you like ta go peep tha school counselor?

Cartman How tha fuck would you like ta suck mah balls, biatch? [the class gasps]

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison [stunned] What did you say?!

Cartman Oh, I-I be sorry, I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit fo' realz. Actually, what tha fuck I holla'd was... [picks up a funky-ass bullhorn, turns it on, n' speaks] "How tha fuck would you like ta suck mah balls, Mista Muthafuckin Garrison?"

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison standz up in shock.

Stan Holy shit, dude.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackeyz crib. Outside, Craig sits, waitin fo' his cold-ass turn wit Mista Muthafuckin Mackey yo. Dude sighs. Inside, tha four is seated up in a row before Mista Muthafuckin Mackey.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Well, I must say, I be straight-up pissed tha fuck off up in you thugs, m'kay, biatch? Yo ass should be ashamed of yourselves muthafucka! Now I've already called up in yo' mothers yo, but�"

Kyle [scared] Yo ass called mah mom?

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Thatz right.

Kyle [frightened] Oh shiiiiiiiit, dude biaatch!

Cartman Mista Muthafuckin Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey M'kay, what?

Cartman Whatz tha big-ass fuckin' deal, biiiatch?

Stan Yeah!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Ah! N-now I wanna know where you heard these freaky freaky obscenities, m'kay?

Stan Nowhere..

Kyle Uh, our crazy asses heard dem from Mista Muthafuckin Garrison all dem times before.

Stan Yeah!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Boys, I seriously doubt dat Mista Muthafuckin Garrison eva holla'd, uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker."

Cartman [the thugs laugh] Hee hee hee, dope biaaatch! [their mothers enta n' tha laughta dies]

Stan Uh-oh...

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Nuff props all fo' comin on such short notice.

Sharon This just aint like you, Stanley.

Sheila What did mah lil hustla say, Mista Muthafuckin Mackey, biatch? Did da perved-out muthafucka say tha S-word?

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey [passively] Fuck dat shit, dat shiznit was worse than all dis bullshit.

Sheila [a bit alarmed] Da F-word?!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Well, herez a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass short list of tha thangs they've been saying, m'kay, biatch? [handz tha list ta Sheila. Da mothers look over it]

Sharon Oh, dear Dogg...

Sheila What tha heck be a rimjob?

Liane Oh, why thatz when you put yo' hairy-ass legs behind yo' head n' have one of mah thugs lick yo' ass. [silence as tha other moms peep her, then Sheila focuses on Kyle]

Sheila Young dude, yo big-ass booty is ghon tell Mista Muthafuckin Mackey dis instant where you heard all these wack phrases!

Kyle I... I...

Stan We can't rap , biatch. We all took a sacred oath n' swore ourselves ta secrecy.

Cartman Dat shiznit was tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno.

Stan Dude biaatch!

Cartman What, biatch? Fuck you muthafuckas, I wanna git outta here.

Sheila Terrizzle n' Phillip, biatch? Those Canucks?!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Excuse me, what tha fuck tha heck is "Terrizzle n' Phillip"?

Sheila Terrizzle n' Phillip is two straight-up untalented hustlas from Canada. Nothang but foul language n' toilet humor.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Well, I guess I be bout ta gotta bust a warnin letta up ta muthafathas before mo' lil pimps peep Terrizzle n' Phillip.

Cartman All Y'allz fuckin' peeped dat shit.

Liane Eric!

Cartman I be sorry, I can't help mah dirty ass muthafucka! That porno has warped mah fragile lil mind dawwwg!

Da cafeteria, lunchtime. Da camera pans across tha room n' stops all up in tha thugs waitin up in line. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan looks as Wendy as she lunches wit Gregory. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch n' Gregory is deep up in conversation.

A Boy [reviewin his sandwich] My fuckin momma gave me egg again.

Stan

[thinks] Therez tha hoe dat I like.

Over there bustin up wit dat smart-ass new-



Cartman Ay dawwwwg! Yo ass is holdin up tha goddamn lunch line biaatch!

Da kitchen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da thugs go up in ta git they lunches.

Chef Wuz crackalackin' there, lil' thugs.

Da thugs Yo, Chef.

Chef Howz it goin'?

Da thugs Bad.

Chef Why bad?

Kyle We gots busted fo' sbustin. Our moms holla'd we can't eva peep tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno again.

Chef Oh, thatz too bad.

Cartman Yo ass should've peeped Kyle when his crazy-ass momma flossed up yo. Dude was scared outta his crazy-ass mind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Heh heh...

Kyle Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman Fuck dat shit, dude, I'd be scared like a muthafucka. Yo crazy-ass momz a gangbangin' fuckin' biiiatch.

Kyle Don't call mah momma a funky-ass biiiatch, you fat fuck!

Cartman Don't call me fat, you buttfuckin' lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch!

Chef Whoa, children! Where did you learn ta rap like that?

Cartman [exiting] It aint nuthin but pretty fuckin' dope, huh, biatch? [Kyle n' Kenny join him]

Stan [tarrying] Chef, how tha fuck do you cook up a biatch like you mo' than any other muthafucka?

Chef Oh, thatz easy as fuck . Yo ass just gotta find tha clitoris. [serves some mashed potatoes]

Stan Huh?

Chef ...Oops.

Stan What do dat mean, "find tha clitoris"?

Chef Uh... uh, forget I holla'd anything. Move along, children, you holdin' up tha line.

Da cafeteria. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan rejoins tha thugs just outside tha kitchen exit, then strutts wit them

Stan Yo ass muthafuckas, do you know where I can find tha clitoris?

Kyle Da what?

Cartman What, is dat like findin Jizzy or something?

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey [over tha PA] Attention, hustlas. We is now enforcin a freshly smoked up dress code at Downtown Park Elementary. Terrizzle n' Phillip shirts is no longer allowed up in school fo' realz. Every Muthafucka bustin a Terrizzle n' Phillip hoodie is ta be busted home immediately. [as da perved-out muthafucka speaks, nuff muthafuckin lil playas stop n' peep they shirts fo' realz. A pimp wears one dat say "Ass Power" n' a hoe wears one dat say "COCKMASTER".]

Kids Hooray dawwwwg! [they rush up in a hurry. Only Wendy n' Gregory remain, n' they don't look too horny.]

WORLD NEWS logo appears wit dramatic synth music

Tomothy Pusslicker Da R-rated Canuck film Assez of Fire is number one all up in tha box office yo, but is tha film beatin tha livin shiznit outta Gangsta youth, biatch? Here wit a special report be a midget up in a funky-ass bikini.

Midget [in a funky-ass bikini, across tha street from tha Bijou] Thanks, Tom, it appears dat tha effectz of tha Canuck comedy is far-reachin indeed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! All over America, lil pimps seem ta be influenced, like at dis spellin bee up in Washington.

A blasted zooms up in of tha Washington State Spellin Bee. Three finalists is left on stage. One wit big-ass afro n' glasses standz next ta a slate.

Proctor Alright, dis is fo' tha silver medal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Spell forensics.

Contestant Aw, fuck that, why should I fuckin gotta spell forensics?

Other contestants [jump gleefully] Yeahahah! Woohoo!

Contestant Here you go, [writin on slate] S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, [steps aside n' faces tha crew] forensics.

Return ta tha Midget reportin yo. Dude standz next ta a cold-ass lil chart dat compares Terrizzle n' Phillipz freshly smoked up single ta other freshly smoked up singlez

Midget Tom, tha devastatin impact of tha Canuck duo can also be peeped wit they freshly smoked up hit cold lil' woo wop "Shut Yo crazy-ass Fuckin Face, Uncle Fucka".

Da Uncle Fucka rap vizzle. RuPizzle be among tha playas ridin' dirty up in dat shit

Phillip Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fuck-ah

Terrance Yo ass be a funky-ass boner-bitin bastard, uncle fuck-ah

Phillip A-a a-a a a. Fuck!

Thought I holla'd at you dat we won't stop. Fuck!

Thought I holla'd at you dat we won't stop'



Return ta Midget

Midget Back ta you, Tom.

Tomothy Pusslicker Thanks, Midget. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shockin report: Da controversy fuckin started up in tha lil' small-ass mountain hood of Downtown Park, where tha local PTA is tryin ta ban tha porno. With our asses tonight is tha head of tha PTA, Sheila Broflovski...

Sheila [from home] Yo muthafucka, Tom.

Tomothy Pusslicker ...and tha Canuck minista of pornos.

Minister [from home] Thanks fo' havin me, dawg.

Tomothy Pusslicker Minister, muthafathas is concerned bout yo' ghettoz entertainment. Yo crazy-ass thoughts?

Minister Well, tha film is R-rated, n' it aint intended fo' children�"

Sheila Well yo, but of course lil pimps is gonna peep dat shiznit son!

Minister Can I finish--, biatch? Da fact is dat we Canucks is like surprised by yo' outrage.

Sheila Yo ass just couldn't give a fuckin shiznit biaatch!

Minister Can I finish, hello, biatch? Can I--can I finish, biatch? Da United Hoodz has graphic shiznit on televizzle all tha time biaaatch! We can't believe dat a porno wit some foul language would piss you off all muthafuckin day.

Sheila [draws close ta camera] Because itz evil!

Minister Can I finish, please, can I finish?! [long pause] Okay, I finished.

Tomothy Pusslicker But Mista Muthafuckin Minister, it aint like dis film is tha straight-up original gangsta shitsome thang ta come outta Canada. Let our asses not forget Bryan Adams.

Minister Now, now, tha Canuck posse has apologized fo' Bryan Adams on nuff muthafuckin occasions.

Sheila Yo ass Canucks is all tha same, wit yo' beady lil eyes n' flappin heads. Y--yo ass is trash!

Minister I resent dis shit. I find dat racist, and�"

Sheila Our lil pimps is now addicted ta yo' filth!

Minister Yo ass be a racist, ma'am. Yo ass be a racist.

Sheila [now at full screen] It be goin ta take our asses weeks ta erase tha damage dis film has done ta our children!

Downtown Park Elementary. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of tha lil playas is up in a big-ass room, like a nursery. Mista Muthafuckin Mackey is there, wit tha lil playas seated up in chairs up in a cold-ass lil circle. Gregory sits ta his bangin right, Cartman ta his fuckin left.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you ta rehabilitation, m'kay, biatch? Yo crazy-ass mothers insisted dat you be taken from yo' aiiight schoolwork n' placed tha fuck into rehab ta learn not ta swear.

Gregory I must say, I don't be thinkin I belong wit these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, n' had a 4-0 grade point average.

Cartman ...Yo ass be a gangbangin' fuckin' playa, dude.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey M'kay, you peep children, biatch? This is exactly what tha fuck I be talkin' about. We gotta git you off of foul language.

Kyle How tha fuck is we gonna do that?

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey

Well, listen here... [walks over ta a piano n' starts playing]

There is times when you git suckered in,

By sticky-icky-ickys n' brew n' sex wit dem hoes, m'kay,

But itz when you do these thangs too much,

That you've become a crackhead n' must git back up in touch.



[fast yo. Dude grabs tha piano stool n' a cold-ass lil cane, n' puts on a vaudeville hat yo. Dude dances back ta tha crew as tha piano skits itself.]



Yo ass can do dat shit. It aint nuthin but all up ta you, m'kay?

With a lil plan you can chizzle yo' game todizzle.

Yo ass don't gotta spend yo' game addicted ta smack,

Homeless on tha streets givin handjobs fo' crack.

Big up mah plan n' straight-up soon yo big-ass booty is ghon say,

"It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay.



[Dude demonstrates tha four-step program on chalkboardz round tha room]



Step 1: instead of "ass", say "buns", like "kiss mah buns" or "Yo ass be a funky-ass buns-hole"

Step 2: instead of "shit", say "poo", as up in "bull-poo," "poo-head" n' "this poo is cold"

Step 3: wit "bitch", drop tha t, 'cause "bich" is Latin fo' generosity

Step 4: don't say "fuck" no mo', 'cause "fuck" is da most thugged-out shitty word dat you can say,

So just use tha word "M'kay.



[the lil playas begin ridin' dirty]



Da kids We can do dat shit. It aint nuthin but all up ta us, m'kay.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey M'kay.

Da kids With a lil plan we can chizzle our lives todizzle.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Yo ass can chizzle it todizzle.

Mackey/Kids You/Us dudes don't gotta spend your/our lives blastin' up in tha trash,

Homeless on tha streets givin handjobs fo' chedda.

Big up dis plan n' straight-up soon yo big-ass booty is ghon say,

"It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay."



[the lil playas slide ta a stop on they knees before Mista Muthafuckin Mackey, then bounce ta tha beat]

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Step 1:

Red Instead of "ass", say "buns",

Boy 1 like "kiss mah buns"

Girl 1 or "Yo ass be a funky-ass buns-hole"!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Step 2:

Kids [Annie, Butters, n' another] instead of "shit", say "poo",

Girl 2 as up in "bull-poo"

Kyle "poo-head!"

Boy 2 [holdz a literal poo] n' "this poo is cold"!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Step 3:

Da Boys [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, Fosse, Token, Gregory]

with "bitch", drop tha "t",

Da Hoes [Wendy, Red, n' Annie among them]

cause "bich" is Latin fo' generositizzle hommie!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Step 4:

Da kids don't say "fuck" no mo',

All cause "fuck" is da most thugged-out shitty word dat you can say.

Da kids "Fuck" is da most thugged-out shitty word dat you can say.

We shouldn't say "fuck," no, we shouldn't say "fuck." Fuck, no!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Yo ass is cured hommie! Yo ass can go!

Mackey/Kids [Kidz pair up. Wendy strutts ta Stan yo, but dat biiiiatch strutts past his ass ta Gregory. Mista Muthafuckin Mackey sees Stan alone, takes his ass by tha hands, n' swings his ass round until he gets dizzy. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some lil playas form a cold-ass lil circle n' link handz round Mista Muthafuckin Mackey while other lil playas fuck wit tha drankin fountain n' tha pottery wheel.]



You/Us dudes don't gotta spend your/our lives blastin' up in tha trash,

Homeless on tha streets givin handjobs fo' chedda.

Big up dis plan n' straight-up soon yo big-ass booty is ghon say,

"It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay."



Da kids It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay.

Da kids It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay.

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey [loses Stan n' falls on his back. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan endz up in tha trashcan] It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaay hommie!

Da kids It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'... It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'... It aint nuthin but easy as fuck , m'kay hommie!

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey [All dissolve tha fuck into laughter n' shit. Da lil playas join Mista Muthafuckin Mackey on tha floor up in a cold-ass lil circle.] M'kay dawwwwg! M'kay. M'kay. [a brief rest, n' he gets up] Now you cured hommie! Yo ass can take tha rest of tha afternoon off fo' underground reflection, m'kay, biatch? Find yo' own constructizzle way ta betta yo ass, m'kay?

Back all up in tha Bijou, inside. Da entire class is there now ta peep tha porno wit no adult ta chaperone dem wild-ass muthafuckas. Onscreen, Terrizzle n' Phillip is gigglin uncontrollably

Terrance Well, Phillip, I hope you've hustled suttin' all up in dis whole experience.

Phillip I did, Terrance. I hustled dat yo ass be a funky-ass boner-bitin dick-fart fuckface. [both giggle]

Terrance Want ta peep tha Uptown Lights, biatch? [lights a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart on fire n' his thugged-out lil' punk-ass burns up]

Phillip Yo ass burned yo ass ta dirtnap by lightin yo' bust a funky-ass big-ass fart playa!

Terrance [laughing] I shizzle did, Phillip! [both giggle n' a iris closes. They pop through.]

Terrizzle n' Phillip Uncle fucka! Too hot--!

Cartman Yes muthafucka! [the lil playas cheer n' begin clearin out]

Boy This porno rules.

the thugs join tha others up in leavin tha theater, then go off ta they left, past tha booth again n' again n' again n' again n' again n' again n' again

Kyle Man, dat porno gets betta every last muthafuckin time I peep dat shiznit son!

Clerk Yo hommie!

Cartman Yeah yo, but you know what, biatch? That whole part bout lightin farts is bullshit. Yo ass can't do all dis bullshit.

Kenny (Yeah, you can!)

Cartman [stops n' turns] No way.

Kenny (Yes yes y'all, you can, you can too light a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart on fire!)

Cartman Okay, Kenny, I be bout ta bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart on fire.

Kenny (Yes yes y'all, you can, check it out!) [pull up a match n' lights a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart on fire, then laughs yo. His parka suddenly erupts up in flames n' da perved-out muthafucka screams up in horror]

Kyle Holy shit, dude biaatch!

Cartman Ah! Oh mah Dogg hommie! Yo dawwwwg! [begins whoopin Kenny wit a stick] Aw, shiznit son! Aw, shiznit playa!

Stan [steps forward n' yells] Help! Some Muthafucka do something! [steps back]

Cartman [the stick lights up] Ahh! This stick is on fire biaaatch! [an ambulizzle rushes up n' stops yo, but a Russellz Salt truck rushes up n' bumps it away. Da truck bed lifts up all up in tha front end n' dumps tha salt on Kenny.]

Kenny (Ooowww!) [the ambulizzle siren takes a thugged-out dirt nap n' tha pile of salt don't move]

Stan [the thugs stare all up in tha truck] Oh mah God, you capped Kenny hommie!

Kyle Yo ass bastard dawwwg!

Cartman Fuck dat shit, I guess you can light a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart on fire, huh?

Hellz Pass hospitizzle, tha ER. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Several doctors n' a nurse rush up in n' work furiously ta brang Kenny back round while dramatic synth noize plays. Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Davis runs round not knowin what tha fuck ta do, beatboxin all tha while.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Load dat IV wit 70 ccs of sodium pentathol!

Nurse Us playas just called tha muthafathas!

Kyle Oh shit, dude biaaatch! Now our moms is gonna smoke up we went ta tha Terrizzle n' Phillip porno again!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Vacuum! Try ta untangle his cold-ass trachea n' esophagus!

Stan Dude biaatch!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Fuck dat shit, dat don't go there biaatch!

Stan Aw! [vomits]

Kyle Gross, Stan!

Cartman Thatz sick!

Nurse Watch his fuckin liver son!

Assistant I be bout ta git dat shiznit son!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Our thugged-out asses have precious lil time left, playas biaaatch! We gonna lose his ass soon!

Nurse [the ass monitor flatlines] Doctor, his thugged-out ass stopped dawwwg!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Letz git it outta there biaaatch! [rips tha ass up n' holdz it up] We need ta zap this, quick! [he rushes tha ass ta tha microwave, opens it n' findz a funky-ass baked potato inside] ../Whoz bustin a potato?

Assistant I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah bad, sir playa! I missed lunch.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Dammit son! I aint gonna lose dis kid hommie! [places tha ass next ta tha potato, then fast-forward to] Close his ass up, we've done all we can...the rest is up ta Dogg. [the minutes roll by, from 2:45 p.m. ta 8:22 p.m. Kenny slowly comes to] Kenny, Kenny can you hear me son?

Kenny [moaning] (Holy shit, dude.)

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor How tha fuck is you feeling, son?

Kenny (Like a sick animal.)

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor Great. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Son, I have some shitty news. We accidentally replaced yo' ass wit a funky-ass baked potato. Yo ass have bout three secondz ta live.

Kenny (What?!) [the potato explodes n' blood is busted flyin everywhere]

Cartman Aw, fuckin' weak, dude biaatch!

Stan Oh mah God, they capped Kenny hommie!

Kyle Yo ass bastards!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Doctor [poundin on tha hospitizzle bed] Dammit son! It never... gets... any... easier playa! [walks away whistlin yo. His staff bigs up his ass up tha door.]

Cartman I bet his ass his schmoooove ass couldn't do dat shit...I bet his ass a hundred dollars.

Kyle Come on Cartman, it aint yo' fault.

Cartman Fuck dat shit, I know. I be just fuckin' stoked I don't gotta pay his muthafuckin ass.

Kyle Oh, thatz real sick biaaatch! Dude was yo' playa, you fat fuck! [the moms enta tha room]

Sheila So, thugs. Yo ass saw dat porno again?

Da thugs [resigned] Yes yes y'all...

Sheila Kyle, I have had dat shiznit son! Yo ass is grounded fo' tha next two weeks!

Kyle Grounded?!

Sharon And you, Stan, come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [Stan exits, n' tha other two follow]

Liane And you grounded fo' three weeks, Eric.

Cartman Yo, why is I grounded more, biatch? Thatz fuckin' bullshit playa!

Sheila What-what-what?!! What was dat word, lil' man?!

Sheilaz lyrics echo as we zoom tha fuck into Kennyz eye n' tha fuck into a funky-ass black n' white tunnel before cuttin ta outa space. Kenny floats up towardz a light. Cloudz round tha light part fo' Kenny, n' da perved-out muthafucka sees a heaven full of nude big-breasted dem hoes. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As he nears tha place, a "PUSH" button appears.

Singer

Little pimp at peace, what tha fuck is dis place, beyond tha stars?

Open up yo' eyes, what tha fuck is these thangs, you movin toward?

Head so full of wonder

Worries up in tha past

Could it be dat yo ass is free at last?



[Kenny presses tha button, tha blasted zooms out, a alarm goes off n' a "ACCESS DENIED" board pops up ta hide heaven]

NO!



Kenny (What?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) [Dude falls towardz Hell, n' heavy metal noize begins] (What tha fuck?!)

Singer

Little boy, you goin' ta Hell

Yo ass holla'd shitty lyrics, threw rocks all up in tha birds, n' now dis is yo' hotel

Yo ass ain't goin back. This ain't Deez'nutsland, itz Hell!



Little pimp itz time fo' you ta pay

For hurtin' dat bird, n' not goin ta church, starin' at tittizzles everyday.

Thought you was up in bed, instead you up in Hell!



Hell aint good, no, hell aint good, yeah!

Hell aint good, no, hell aint good, yeah!



[Adolf Hitla (speakin up in German), George Burns n' Mahatma Gandhi take turns bustin lyrics wit Kenny]



George Burns Yo, fuckface, have you peeped Gracie?

Gandhi There is orderlinizz up in tha universe.

Singer Hell aint good, hell aint good, hell! [Kenny appears on a mesa up in hell. Da blasted zooms up ta show tha entire landscape, n' a gangbangin' fiery dragon flies above his ass n' dumps a gangbangin' fire-turd nearby.]

Downtown Park Elementary, PTA Meeting. Da muthafathas is gathered up in tha school auditorium. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sheila standz next ta a big-ass easel wit tha followin freestyled on tha pad: "Topic: Kidz outta Control"

Sheila Parents, our lil pimps is outta control! This is what tha fuck happens when toilet humor be allowed ta run rampant playa!

Sharon Thatz right. Kenny set his dirty ass on fire cuz da perved-out muthafucka saw Terrizzle n' Phillip do it up in dat dirty porno.

Sheila We must stop dirty language from gettin ta our childrenz ears muthafucka! [a war beat starts] We must go fight tha source of dat shiznit son!

Woman But what tha fuck is tha source?

Sheila

Oh, thatz easy as fuck .

Times have chizzled,

Our lil playas is gettin worse.

They won't obey they muthafathas,

They just wanna bust a funky-ass big-ass fart n' curse biaatch!



Sharon Should we blame tha posse?

Liane Or blame society?

Randy, Gerald, Stuart Or should we blame tha images on TV?

Sheila No! Blame Canada!

All Blame Canada!

Sheila [leadz tha muthafathas outta tha auditorium]

With all they beady lil eyes

And flappin headz so full of lies!



All [citizens pour outta other buildings]

Blame Canada!

Blame Canada!



Sheila We need ta form a gangbangin' full assault playa!

All It aint nuthin but Canadaz fault playa!

Sharon

Don't blame mah dirty ass

For mah lil hustla Stan.

Dude saw tha darned cartoon

And now he off ta join tha Klan!



Liane

And mah pimp Eric once

Had mah picture on his shelf,

But now when I peep his ass tha pimpin' muthafucka drops some lyrics ta me ta fuck mah dirty ass!



Sheila Well, biatch? Blame Canada! [leadz dem ta a cold-ass lil copy mart]

All Blame Canada!

Sheila

It seems dat every last muthafuckin thangz gone wrong

Since Canada came along!

[she leadz dem up in makin Mothers Against Canada signs n' shirts]



All

Blame Canada!

Blame Canada!



Shirt Maker They're not even a real ghetto anyway hommie!

Mrs. McCormick

[outside wit tha others now, on a platform]

My fuckin lil hustla could've been a thugged-out doctor or a lawyer, rich n' true.

Instead his thugged-out lil' punk-ass burned up like a piggy on a funky-ass barbecue.



Men Should we blame tha matches?

Man Should we blame tha fire?

All Or tha doctors whoz ass allowed his ass ta expire?

Sheila [now up in Philadelphia] Heck, no!

All

Blame Canada!

Blame Canada!



Sheila With all they hockey hullabaloo,

Liane And dat biiiatch Anne Murray, like a muthafucka.

All

[slowing] Blame Canada!

Shame on Canada!

For...



[A newspaper pops up announcin Terrizzle n' Phillip on Late Night wit Conan O'Brien. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Music resumes aiiight speed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Shotz of tha cause up in other ghettos, endin up in Washington D.C.]



Da smut we must stop, tha trash we must smash.

Da laughta n' funk must all be undone.

We must blame dem n' cause a gangbangin' fuss

Before some muthafucka be thinkin of blaming

Us!



Da Marsh house, night. Da thugs is on tha sofa as Shelly lecturest them

Shelly All right, you turds, listen up! Yo crazy-ass moms is away at a meeting, n' they put me up in charge of y'all yo, but you still grounded, so you not allowed ta have any fun! Any thangs?

Stan Shelly, wherez tha clitoris, biatch? [she strutts ta a cold-ass lil chair, picks it up, strutts ta Stan n' smashes it on his muthafuckin ass.] Ow!

Shelly Now you all just sit there n' keep yo' grills shut while I go dig mah Whitney Spears recordz muthafucka! [Bitch strutts away. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan waits until her dope ass disappears]

Stan Okay, itz clear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. [Cartman turns on tha TV, tha three grin]

Late Night wit Conan O'Brien. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da thugs can't peep it from they vantage point yo, but tha mothers is up in tha basement crew. Brooke Sheildz has already spoken ta Conan.

Conan Our next guests have tha number one porno up in tha ghetto n' aint a thugged-out damn thang dat yo' ass can do. Please welcome Terrizzle n' Phillip! [cheers n' boos alternate up in tha crew fo' realz. A biatch holdz up a sign denouncin Terrizzle n' Phillip]

Da thugs Hooray hommie!

Phillip Yo muthafucka, Conan!

Terrance Yo muthafucka, Brooke Shields!

Conan Guys, some playas claim dat yo' Canuck humor aint a god damn thang but immature bust a funky-ass big-ass fart jokes.

Phillip Thatz not true. Take dis funky-ass Canuck joke fo' instance. [Both of dem don fake mustaches n' Phillip clears his cold-ass throat.] Excuse me, Terrance.

Terrance Yes, Phillip, biatch? [Phillip farts on him, bustin his ass flyin tha fuck into tha bandz bass drum, rippin it open. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Terrizzle n' Phillip laugh] Gosh darn dat shiznit son! [laughs]

Cartman [sing-song] Heh heh he-heh. [the other two laugh]

Terrance [returnin ta tha sofa] Dope one, Phillip! Cheers!

Phillip Cheers, fuckface biaatch!

Conan Guys, you can't say dat on TV.

Phillip Now Terrizzle smells like mah ass muthafucka! [both laugh]

Brooke I farted once on tha set of Blue Lagoon! [afta a long-ass pause, Terrizzle slaps her]

Conan So, muthafuckas, do it make you straight-up trippin ta be up in America, biatch? There is a shitload of crews here dat want you arrested fo' beatin tha livin shiznit outta lil' thugs.

Phillip Oh, they'd gotta find our asses first.

Conan Yo ass is right. [strongly] Now! [troops rush up in n' capture Terrizzle n' Phillip. Da moms go onstage.]

Sheila Terrizzle n' Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placin you under playa haters' arrest playa!

Kyle Mom?!

Stan Dude, what tha fuck tha hell is goin on?!

Sheila Our thugged-out asses gotz a cold-ass lil court order fo' yo' arrest playa!

Terrance Phillip, we've been ambushed dawwwg!

Sheila Here you go, Conan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [handz his ass a thugged-out dollar]

Phillip [points at Conan] This lil scrotum-sucker deceived us muthafucka! [to Conan] Yo ass be a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass man!

Sheila Don't dig them, Conan!

Phillip Yo ass loved our porno, Co-nan! Us thugs peeped it together, remember, biatch? Yo ass laughed dawwwg!

Conan What have I done, biatch? [Dude jumps outta a window ta his fuckin lil' dirtnap below, crashin tha fuck into a cold-ass lil car. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Its alarm goes off, n' a playa comes up ta turn it off, then strutts away.]

Stan Holy crap, did you peep that?! They arrested Terrizzle n' Phillip!

Da United Nations building, New York, inside fo' realz. A UN meetin is held concernin tha arrest of Terrizzle n' Phillip

Canadian Ambassador As tha Canuck Ambassador, I hereby condemn tha actions taken by Tha Ghetto up in apprehendin Terrizzle n' Phillip fo' realz. As you can peep from dis graph [shows a pie graph up in which Terrizzle n' Phillip done been alloted almost half], tha entire economizzle of Canada relies on Terrizzle n' Phillip. Without them, we is doomed ta recession!

Head of tha UN What say you, Mista Muthafuckin Gangsta Ambassador?

Gangsta Ambassador [he standz up n' straightens his cold-ass tie, n' flips tha Canuck ambassador off] Fuck Canada!

Canadian Ambassador [respondz wit left fist up in right elbow, n' upraised right forearm] Yo, fuck you, dawg hommie!

Gangsta Ambassador Terrizzle n' Phillip aint gonna be busted out hommie! They is goin ta be put on trial fo' corruptin Americaz youth. Us dudes don't give a fuck what tha fuck all tha fuss be about.

Canadian Ambassador Da fuss be aboot takin our playa haters muthafucka! It aint nuthin but aboot not censorin our art. It aint nuthin but aboot... [the Gangsta delegation begins ta crack up] It aint nuthin but aboot... [he scans tha room] Whatz so goddamn funky?!

Gangsta Ambassador [recovering] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell our asses again n' again n' again what tha fuck yo' argument be all about?

Minister This aint aboot diplomacy, dis be aboot dignity... [the Gangsta delegates chuckle] This be aboot respect. This be bout realizin dat humor is... [the Gangsta delegation cracks up again]

Canadian Ambassador Yo ass muthafuckas is dicks muthafucka! Release Terrizzle n' Phillip, or we'll hit you wit suttin' ta cry aboot son! [the Gangsta delegates is bustin up so hard they begin fallin off they chairs]

Gangsta Delegate Stohohohop! Stohohop! [falls down]

Da sky. Da Canuck Airforce takes wing

Pilot Pilot ta bombardier playa! Pilot ta bombardier playa! We nearin tha target playa!

Bombardier Bombz ready, dawg hommie!

Baldwin Manor, within view of tha HOLLYWOOD sign. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da Baldwin brothers chillax on chaises longues when a cold-ass lil cell beeper rings

William [answers] Baldwin residence... Fuck dat shit, dis is Bizzley Baldwin, if you want Daniel Baldwin, call his wild lil' fuckin extension, wack dawwwg!

Daniel Yo Alec, do you know what tha fuck sucks bout bein a Baldwin?

Alec Fuck dat shit, what?

Daniel Nothing!

Alec Yeah! [they all laugh, then is bombed ta smithereens by tha Canuck fleet]

Stephen [poppin outta tha ruins] Ha ha! Yo ass missed mah crazy ass biaaatch! [one last plane bombs him]

Downtown Park Elementary, then Mista Muthafuckin Garrisonz Classroom.

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Alright, lil' thugs. Yo crazy-ass mothers is all makin me throw away mah lesson plan n' teach theirs.

Stan Mista Muthafuckin Garrison, how tha fuck come our moms arrested Terrizzle n' Phillip?

Class Yeah!

Bizzle That's--thatz gay fo' realz.

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Oh, well, yo' moms is just upset. They're probably all on they periodz or something.

Wendy [whispers ta Gregory] Not cool.

Gregory Mista Muthafuckin Garrison, Wendy n' I be thinkin dat was a sexist statement.

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Well I be sorry, Wendy yo, but I just don't trust anythang dat bleedz fo' five minutes n' don't take a thugged-out dirt nap fo' realz. Anyway children, letz start off wit some vocabulary... [starts writing]

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey [over PA] Attention, hustlas, m'kay?

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison [turns around] Oh, what tha fuck now, biatch? [he gots as far as "VOCAB"]

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Come ta tha gymnasium immediately fo' a special announcement, m'kay, biatch? [the lil playas leave they seats]

Da gymnasium. Da other classes is already seated

Kyle Whatz goin on, Chef?

Chef Somethang big, lil' thugs.

Stan Chef, I can't find tha clitoris. Yo ass gotta help mah dirty ass.

Chef Stan, tha clit-o-rizzay be a�"

Mista Muthafuckin Mackey Quit playin' n' do what tha fuck I be sayin'! Please take yo' seats, everyone. They're bout ta announce it, m'kay.

Da special announcement appears wit a emergency broadcast system test card.

Tomothy Pusslicker This be a state of emergency. We go now ta tha White Doggy Den fo' a announcement from tha Prezzy of tha United Hoods.

Da White House, Oval Office. Prezzy Clinton standz behind his fuckin lil' desk

Clinton I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah fellow Gangstas...at 5 a.m. todizzle, a thugged-out dizzle which will live up in infamy, tha Canucks have bombed tha Baldwins. In response ta this, tha U.S. has declared war on Canada.

Chef [the lil playas gasp] Oh, no!

Stan War?!

Wendy Fuck dat shit, Gregory, no!

Gregory Hoh, dis is bad, Wendy, hold on ta mah dirty ass. [they hug]

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison [in shock] All tha Baldwins is dead?!

Clinton Now it is time fo' our asses ta bust a message ta Canucks. In two days' time, tha war criminals Terrizzle n' Phillip is ghon be executed.

Stan They're gonna bust a cap up in them?!

Clinton And now, I'd like ta brang up mah newly-appointed Secretary of Offense, Ms. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sheila Broflovski. [Sheila strutts up]

Kyle Holy shit, dude biaatch!

Sheila I be a gangsta yo, but y'all knew dat n' mah fellow Gangstas, our neighbor ta tha Uptown has played our asses fo' tha last time biaatch!

Clinton [breaks in] I gots a plan to�"

Sheila Canadians want to-

Clinton As commander up in chizzle�" [Sheila slaps his ass away] Ow.

Sheila -fight us, cuz we won't tolerate they potty-mouths. Well, if it is war they want, then war they shall have biaaatch! [throws up her arms up in a "V" pose. Clinton simply watches.]

Cartman Dude, dis is fuckin weak.

Stan How tha fuck could thangs be any worse?

Hell. Kenny standz up in a funky-ass beam of light n' looks up. Da source pulses nuff muthafuckin times, as if Kenny was bein given a mission, then Kenny strutts ta tha force field. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude touches it, n' it burns his ass before it disappears

Kenny (Ow! What tha hell, biatch? Wait!) [Satan drops up in next ta him, n' Kenny looks]

Satan Fallen one, I be Satan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be yo' god now, nahmeean?

Kenny [screams, turns n' runs] (Oh mah God!) [Satan dissolves, zips past Kenny, n' resolves up in front of him]

Satan There is no escape biaaatch! [Kenny findz his dirty ass upside down n' bout ta be quartered, n' whimpers] Now, feel tha delightful pain!

Kenny [feelin tha wild-ass bullshit of bein pulled apart] (Ow. That hurts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Ooowww!)

Saddam [in tha shadows, interrupts Satanz torture] Yo, Satan, did you hear tha news, biatch? A war just broke up on earth. [steps tha fuck into tha light]

Satan Meet Saddam Hussein, mah freshly smoked up partner up in evil.

Kenny (Huh?)

Saddam Move over, Satan, you hoggin all tha fun! [tries ta torture Kenny yo, but only succeedz up in arousin his dirty ass] Yeah! Yeah! Man, dis is gettin' me so hot playa!

Kenny (Yo, what tha fuck tha fuck?!)

Satan Saddam, would you let me do mah thang, please?

Saddam Hang on! Rub mah nipplez while I torture dis lil piggy dawwwwg! Nyeeh. Nyeeh.

Satan Saddam, could I rap ta you over here fo' a second, biatch? [sits on a pink flowered sofa. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Saddam sits next ta him] I don't peep why you gotta belil me up in front of playas like all dis bullshit.

Saddam Yo chillax, muthafucka!

Satan Well, sometimes I be thinkin you aint gots any respect fo' mah dirty ass.

Saddam Aw, come here, muthafucka. [hugs Satan n' runs his wild lil' finger up n' down Satanz forearm] Whoz mah creampuff?

Satan [yielding] I am.

Saddam [radiant] Thatz right, baby.

Kenny [watchin them] (Huh?)

Da playground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Stan n' playaz strutt along. Terrence, Bizzle n' Fosse take turns all up in tha slide. Planes fly over up in tha distance. Token n' Craig stop tossin a funky-ass bizzle ta each other ta turn n' watch.

Stan Dude, I don't wanna be at war.

Kyle Yo ass don't be thinkin they straight-up gonna bust a cap up in Terrizzle n' Phillip, do yo slick ass?

Cartman Kyle, you need ta stop bein such a cold-ass lil chickenshiznit n' stand up ta yo' mutha playa! Yo ass need ta smack her up in tha grill n' say, "Thatz enough of yo' shit, you fuckin' biiiatch!"

Kyle Don't call mah momma a funky-ass biiiatch, Cartman!

Stan Yo ass muthafuckas, stop dat shiznit son! This aint helping. We've gotta be thinkin here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Now, letz see. What would Brian Boitano do?

Cartman Yeah, what tha fuck would Brian Boitano do, biatch? [they look round as they think]

Kyle Yo dawwwwg! Whatz goin on over there, biatch? [sees a crew of lil playas gathered up in front of Gregory, whoz ass standz on a soapbox]

Gregory Da Gangsta posse be thinkin it has tha right ta five-o tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo crazy-ass posse is goin ta bust a cap up in two Canuck playa haters, a action condemned by tha UN yo. Home of tha free, indeed dawwwg!

Clyde ...Letz play tetherball.

Kids Yeah!

Wendy This be bout freedom of speech! Bout censorship! Can't you muthafuckas be mo' ballistical like Gregory?

Stan

[thinking]

Therez tha hoe dat I like.

Now it appears dat she likes another muthafucka.

It must be cuz he ballistical n' stuff;

I bet I could be ballistical, like a muthafucka.

[smiles. Wendy strutts up ta him]



Wendy What do you think, Stan, biatch? [he barfs on her n' dat dunkadelic hoe throws her palms up ta deflect tha vomit, then runs away] Oh, Dogg dawwwg!

Stan Dammit playa!

Cartman Yo ass muthafuckas, dis be all Kylez momz fault.

Kyle Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman Kylez momma is tha one dat started dat damn club fo' realz. And all cuz she a funky-ass big, fat, stupid--!

Kyle Don't say it, Cartman!

Cartman Weeeeeeeeeellll...

Kyle Don't do it, Cartman!

Cartman Weeeeeeeeeellll...

Kyle I be warnin you, nahmean biiiatch?

Cartman Okay, aiiight. [walks away]

Kyle I be gettin pretty sick of his ass callin mah momma a�" [Cartman rushes back n' begins...]

Cartman

Weeeeeeeeeellll,

Kylez momz a funky-ass biiiatch, she a funky-ass big-ass fat biiiatch,

Dat hoe tha freshest biiiatch up in tha whole wide ghetto,

Bitch a wack biiiatch, if there eva was a funky-ass biiiatch,

Dat hoe a funky-ass biiiatch ta all tha thugs n' hoes.



Kyle Shut yo' fuckin grill, Cartman!

Cartman

On Mondizzle she a funky-ass biiiatch,

On Tuesdizzle she a funky-ass biiiatch,

On Wednesdizzle ta Saturdizzle she a funky-ass biiiatch,

Then on Sunday, just ta be different,

Dat hoe a supa Mackdaddy Kamehameha biyotch!



Come on! Y'all know tha lyrics!



[lil playas joins up in n' dance]

Has you done eva kicked it wit mah playa Kylez mom?

Dat hoe tha freshest biiiatch up in tha whole wide ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

Dat hoe a mean ole biiiatch, n' dat freaky freaky biatch has wack hair.

Dat hoe a funky-ass biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch.



Bitch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch

Dat hoe a wack biiiatch! (Whooo!)

Kylez momz a funky-ass biiiatch

And her big-ass booty such a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty biiiatch! (Bitch!)



Talk ta lil playas round tha ghetto,

And it might go a lil bit suttin' like this:



[Cartman fancies leadin a Chinese choir]

Kǎi ěr de māmā shìgè biǎo zi yīgè biǎo zi,



[then a French one]

Elle est la plus grande garce dans le vaste monde,



[then a Dutch one (dressed as a Dutch girl),]

Ze is een stom kutwijf, als er iemand een kutwijf was,



[then a African one (in black-face)]

Dat hoe a funky-ass biiiatch kwa wavulana na wasichana wote,



[When da perved-out muthafucka sings up in Gangsta again, tha four choirs is behind his ass up in tha Netherlands]

Has you done eva kicked it wit mah playa Kylez mom?

Dat hoe tha freshest biiiatch up in tha whole wide ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.



[Da schoolyard] Dat hoe a mean ole biiiatch, n' dat freaky freaky biatch has wack hair.

Dat hoe a funky-ass biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch



Kids Oh! [They freeze as Sheila strutts up behind Cartman.]

Cartman Bitch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch biiiatch.



Dat hoe a wack biiiatch!

Stan Uh, Cartman, biatch? [Sheila standz wit her handz on her hips]

Cartman

Kylez momz a funky-ass biiiatch

And her big-ass booty such a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty biiiatch!



[showstopper] I straight-up mean dat shit.

Kylez mom, she a funky-ass big-ass fat fuckin biiiatch!

Big ol' fat fuckin biiiatch, Kylez mom!

Yeah, Chaaaa! [Dude endz on his knees wit a wide, open smile n' outstretched arms yo. Dude opens his wild lil' fuckin eyes n' sees tha horrified looks on tha kids' faces] What, biatch? [standz n' turns around] Oh, fuck.

Downtown Park Elementary, M.A.C. MEETING TONIGHT! Da muthafathas is gathered up in tha school auditorium again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. A projector n' screen is now present.

Sheila Okay, everyone, settle down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. As we continue ta bust troops tha fuck into Canada, M.A.C. be also fightin tha war against potty-mouths here up in da crib yo. Here ta present tha V-chip is Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker [clears his cold-ass throat n' activates tha projector] Da machinery of tha V-chip is straight-up simple. Well shiiiit, it is placed under tha childz skin, where it emits a lil' small-ass shock of electricitizzle whenever a obscenitizzle is uttered. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! [slidez of tha procedure is shown]

Randy Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows dat tha lil pimp is sbustin?

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker It aint nuthin but just like a lie detector. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Yo ass see, certain thangs happen ta you when you swear, just like when you lie. Da chip picks up on this, n' gives tha subject a lil prick. [the pimp on tha slide is shocked n' his skeleton can be seen] Patient B-5, would you step up here, please, biatch? [Cartman entas dressed up in a white robe n' shower cap] Patient B-5 here has been fitted wit tha freshly smoked up V-chip.

Cartman Ow, mah head hurts.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker [to Cartman] Don't worry bout dis shit. [brings up some flash cardz n' shows his ass tha straight-up original gangsta one] Now, I want you ta say, "Doggy."

Cartman Doggy.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker [to muthafathas] Notice dat not a god damn thang happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana."

Cartman Montana.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker Dope hommie! Now, "Pillow."

Cartman Pillow.

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker All right son! Now, I want you ta say, "Horse-fucker." [Cartman is unsure n' looks ta his crazy-ass momma.]

Liane Go ahead, Eric. It aint nuthin but all right.

Cartman Horse-fuck-aaagh! [bzzzt] Ow! [the muthafathas gasp] That hurt, Goddam-aaagh! [bzzzt] Ow! Fuck-aaagh! [bzzzt] Yo hommie!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker Now I'd like you ta say, "Big floppy donkey dick."

Cartman No!

Dr. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vosknocker Success muthafucka! Da lil pimp don't wanna swear playa! [the muthafathas cheer]

Cartman This aint fair, you lil playaz of biiiatches-aaagh! [bzzzt] Ow! Dogg damnit-aaagh [bzzzt. Pretty soon da perved-out muthafucka sbustin a stream n' bounces outta view cuz of tha resultin shocks]

Sheila Us thugs will start puttin V-chips up in all our lil pimps next week! [the muthafathas cheer wildly]

A newsreel, "THE MARCH OF WAR"

Announcer Snacky S'mores presents, "Da March of War." Letz hear it fo' our thugs up in blue biaaatch! Prezzy Clinton has called dem ta action, ta fight tha evil Canuck scourge. [he signs a letter: Us dudes declare war on you]

A full-scale battle has been launched on Toronto [the battle is shown] afta tha Canucks' last bombing, which took a wack toll on tha Arquette crew [the bombed Arquette residence is shown]. For securitizzle measures, our pimped out Gangsta posse is roundin up all playa hatas dat have any Canuck blood, n' puttin dem tha fuck into camps [Canadians is shown bein rounded up n' put tha fuck into caged trucks. Da trucks is shown enterin some camps] fo' realz. All Canuck-Gangsta playa hatas is ta report ta one of these dirtnap camps right away. Did I say dirtnap camps, biatch? I meant aiiight camps, where yo big-ass booty is ghon smoke tha finest meals, have access ta fabulous doctors [a dentist pulls up a tooth], n' be able ta exercise regularly [digging, dat is]. Meanwhile, tha war criminals, Terrizzle n' Phillip [they is gagged n' they is mad salty], is prepped fo' they execution [they is on lockdown now, wit no gags]. Their execution will take place durin a gangbangin' fabulous USO show, wit special hommie clowns, includin Big Gay Al n' Winona Ryder n' shit. Of course, tha only way ta peep tha USO show is ta sign up fo' tha army dawwwwg! [recruits line up. Da freshly smoked up troops is then shown marchin happily] So join tha army n' bust a cap up in some Canuck scum, as we continue... "Da March of War!" Eat Snacky S'mores.

Downtown Park, tha M.A.C. platform. Next ta it, a funky-ass bonfire burns, n' gangstas add Canuck shit ta dat shit. This be a funky-ass book-burning

Sheila We must rid ourselvez of anythang Canuck!

Man Down wit Canada!

Biatch 1 It aint nuthin but bullcrap! [Clyde strutts up n' tosses his fuckin lil' dolls tha fuck into tha fire, then strutts away.]

Kyle [stops him] Dude, don't you like Terrizzle n' Phillip no mo'?

Clyde 'Course not son! My fuckin mommy say I don't give a fuck bout Canucks now, 'cause they made me gotz a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty grill! [turns n' strutts away]

Biatch 2 Burn it all! [An Alanis Morissette mixtape is tossed tha fuck into tha fire n' starts ta burn]

Cartman [entas morose] Yo, dudes.

Stan Whatz tha matter, Cartman?

Cartman It aint nuthin but dis V-chip. I don't give a fuck bout dat shit. I can't say any dirty lyrics.

Kyle Really, biatch? So you can't say, "fuck?"

Cartman No.

Kyle And you can't say, "shit?"

Cartman Nope.

Kyle So you can't say, "I be Eric Cartman, tha fattest fuckin piece of shiznit up in tha ghetto?"

Cartman Fuck you, nahmean biiiatch, biatch? [bzzzt] Ah! [tumblez away]

Kyle Du-hude biaaatch! Sweet son! [Cartman returns]

Stan Come on, you muthafuckas. This has gone far enough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. It aint nuthin but time we talked ta our moms. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is. [moves forward]

Kyle [catchin him] We supposed ta be grounded up in our rooms.

Stan Come on, Kyle. It aint nuthin but time fo' our asses ta git ballistical.

Sheila Canada will no longer corrupt our children! [the thugs strutt up ta her]

Kyle Mom, can I rap ta you fo' a second?

Sheila Kyle, what tha fuck is you bustin here, biatch? Yo ass is grounded hommie! Now git back ta tha house, n' stay there biaaatch! [Kyle turns n' strutts away dejectedly]

Sharon Yo ass too, Stanley hommie!

Stan [Kyle turns again] Mom, we be thinkin you goin too far. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Yo ass can't bust a cap up in Terrizzle n' Phillip.

Sheila [addresses tha crowd again] We must fight fo' our childrenz futures!

Stan Yo ass started a war. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Yo ass gotta stop dat shit.

Sheila To make dem safe again!

Stan Hello?

Sheila Our lil pimps is precious!

Stan Hello-o, biatch? [waves his hand, then turns n' strutts away wit tha others]

Sheila We must cook up a stand now! Quit at nothing!

Kyle I holla'd at you mah momma wouldn't listen.

Stan Well then, our laid-back asses just gonna gotta save Terrizzle n' Phillip ourselves!

Kyle n' Cartman What?!

Stan Think bout it, you muthafuckas. What would Brian Boitano do, biatch? He'd git into a way ta rescue Terrizzle n' Phillip before they executed dawwwg!

Kyle We can't do anything. Our moms' organization is too strong.

Stan Well then, we'll round up all tha grounded lil playas up in hood n' start our own organization. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. An organization ta help save Terrizzle n' Phillip!

Cartman Yo, yeah! Our own secret club.

Kyle I guess dat could work.

Stan

We gotta try hommie!

What would Brian Boitano do

If da thug was here right now?

He'd cook up a plan n' he'd follow through.

Thatz what tha fuck Brian Boitano'd do!



Kyle

When Brian Boitano was up in tha Olympics

Skatin fo' tha gold,

Dude did two Salchows n' a triple Lutz

While bustin a funky-ass blindfold dawwwg!



Cartman

When Brian Boitano was up in tha Alps

Fightin grizzly bears,

Dude used his crazy-ass magical fire-breath

And saved tha maidens fair son!



Stan n' Kyle

So what tha fuck would Brian Boitano do

If da thug was here todizzle?

I be shizzle he'd kick a ass or two.

Thatz what tha fuck Brian Boitano'd do!



Cartman

I want dis V-chip outta mah dirty ass.

It has stunted mah vocabulary.



Kyle And I just want mah momma ta stop fightin everyone.

Stan

For Wendy I be bout ta be a activist, too,

'Cause thatz what tha fuck Brian Boitano'd do!



Da thugs

And what tha fuck would Brian Boitano do?

He'd call all tha lil playas up in town.

And tell dem ta unite fo' truth.

Thatz what tha fuck Brian Boitano'd do!

[short bridge]



Brian Dennehy [walks in] Did one of mah thugs say mah name?

Stan Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is yo slick ass?

Brian Dennehy I be Brian Dennehy.

Kyle ...What, biatch? Fuck dat shit, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy hommie!

Stan Dude, git tha fuck outta here biaatch!

Brian Dennehy Oh. Bye-ee. [walks out]

Da thugs

When Brian Boitano traveled all up in time

To tha year 3010,

Dude fought tha evil Robot Mackdaddy

And saved tha human race again n' again n' again n' again n' again n' again n' again



Cartman

And when Brian Boitano built tha pyramids

Dude beat up Kublai Khan!



Stan n' Kyle [slowing] 'Cause Brian Boitano don't take shit

Da thugs

from anybody, so...



[fast] Letz call all tha lil playas together

And unite ta stop our moms.

And we'll save Terrizzle n' Phillip, too,

'Cause thatz what tha fuck Brian Boitano'd do!

And we'll save Terrizzle n' Phillip, too,

'Cause thatz what tha fuck Brian Boita-no'd do!



'Cause thatz what tha fuck Brian Boitano'd do!



Hell. Kenny, havin not a god damn thang ta do, strutts around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude strutts by a thugged-out door n' overhears a cold-ass lil conversation between Satan n' Saddam

Saddam Yo, chillax, muthafucka!

Satan Oh, there be a not a god damn thang on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [Kenny cracks tha door open n' looks in]

Satanz bedroom. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan n' Saddam is up in bed together watchin TV. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan holdz tha remote

Saddam Yo ass just git cranky when you tired, thatz all.

Satan I aint cranky.

Tomothy Pusslicker What started as a spat between Da United Hoodz n' Canada is quickly turnin tha fuck into Ghetto Battle Pt III.

Saddam Ghetto Battle Pt III?

Satan Shh.

Tomothy Pusslicker Terrizzle n' Phillip is goin ta be put ta dirtnap fo' crimes against humanity. Da time of execution has�" [click. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan has turned tha TV off]

Satan [swelling] It has come ta be biaaatch! Da Four Horsemen is drawin nigh! Da time of prophecy is upon us!

Saddam Aw, I gots a straight-up boner fo' when you git all biblical, Satan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass know exactly how tha fuck ta turn mah crank.

Satan [plaintive] Fuck dat shit, I be bein straight-up n shit. Well shiiiit, it is tha seventh sign. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [rises from tha bed n' strutts away]

Saddam What?

Satan Behold. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! [standz before a Mayan calendar] Da first signz of mah reign have all come true: tha fall of a empire, tha comin of a cold-ass lil comet fo' realz. And now, when tha blood of these Canucks touches Gangsta soil, it is ghon be our time ta rise biaatch!

Kenny (Huh?)

Saddam [arousin his dirty ass under tha sheets] Yeah! Yeah! Man, I be gettin' so hot son! Letz fuck!

Satan [insulted] Do you always be thinkin bout sex, biatch? I be talkin' bout straight-up blingin shiznit here biaatch!

Saddam Ah, I be just buckwild bout takin over tha ghetto hommie! Come on!

Satan [slips back tha fuck into bed] Is sex tha only thang dat mattas ta yo slick ass?

Saddam I gots a straight-up boner fo' you, biatch.

Satan ...I wanna believe all dis bullshit.

Saddam So whaddaya say we shut off dat light n' git close, huh?... [Satan wraps his thugged-out arm round Saddam, n' Kenny looks puzzled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da lights go up n' a squishin sound bigs up]

Satan Ohh-ow!

Saddam Yeah, you like that, don't you, biiiatch?

Da Broflovski house, tha masta bedroom

Kyle Okay. We can use mah dadz computa ta booty-call all tha lil playas together n' shit. [logs on]

Stan Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on tha word, "clitoris."

Kyle Oh, aiiight. [types up in tha search n' readz tha result] "Found: eight mazillion pages wit tha word, 'clitoris.'"

Stan Wow!

Kyle I be bout ta just try tha straight-up original gangsta one. [click] "Yo ass must be eighteen ta enta dis joint." Okay. [click] "Yo, wuz crackalackin', biatch? Yo ass is smokin 'German Sick Fetish Video.' If yo ass is under eighteen, do not�"" well, aiiight. [click, click. Da joint be a multimedia one, n' noize plays]

German Du hast Scheiße gern.

Kyle Dude biaaatch! It aint nuthin but a lady gettin pooed on!

Stan Woah! Is it Cartmanz mom?

Cartman Oh, straight-up funky.

Kyle Yo dawwwwg! It be Cartmanz mom!

German Essen mein Scheiße. [Cartman leaps up, bumps Kyle off tha chair, n' has a phat peep tha screen]

Liane Alrighty, then!

Cartman Aw, lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch! [bzzzt] Ow! [falls off]

Ike [enters] Ba ba ba ba.

Kyle Git outta here, Ike biaaatch! Yo ass is too lil' fo' dis stuff!

Ike Bull-shitter.

Stan Whatz da ruffneck bustin, now?

German Essen ihr Scheiße biaatch!

Liane Okey-dokey dawwwwg! [scheisse is heard oozin onto her]

Da thugs Aawww! [race away from tha computa n' look away. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan vomits.]

German Schmeckt gut, ja?

Stan Click it off, dude biaaatch! Click it off! [Kyle hops on tha chair n' clicks tha joint off] Dude, what tha fuck is poppin' off wit German people?

Cartman [walks up ta tha computer] All right all right. Letz just do what tha fuck we came here ta do n' put a message up ta kids. [Stan strutts up]

Kyle Okay. Letz see, I've gotta put up a all-access e-mail. [looks at Cartman] God-damn yo' momma sucks, Cartman.

Cartman Just git ta tha message board dawwwg!

Kyle I be trying. I can't find a Canuck server n' shit. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I gots ta break tha fuck into tha mainframe. [works tha keyboard but gets "ACCESS DENIED"] Dammit son! They've gots a access code. I be bout ta try ta re-route tha encryptions. [types some codes in... "ACCESS GRANTED". Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan n' Cartman stare at him, stunned] Okay, here we go... [types] "Want ta help Terrizzle & Phillip, biatch? Sneak up afta you git tucked tha fuck into bed tonight n' hook up at Carlz Warehouse."

Cartman Tell 'em we'll have punch n' pie.

Kyle We not gonna have punch n' pie biaatch!

Cartman Mo' playas will come if they be thinkin our crazy asses have punch n' pie biaatch!

Kyle "...punch n' pie. This is top secret. Da password is..."

Stan "La Resistance."

Da Cartman residence, Cartmanz room, night. Cartman is gettin locked n loaded fo' bed as his bangin radio plays.

Radio Anchor ...And so, tha draft will begin tomorrow, as mo' n' mo' troops is needed ta invade tha Canuck border n' shit. Da Canuck posse pleadz fo' a laid back resolution yo, but naturally our asses aint listening. [Liane turns off tha radio]

Liane Dope night, hon.

Cartman Mom, when is tha war gonna be over.

Liane I don't give a fuck, hon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Soon, our crazy asses hope. Yo ass want it ta end quickly, huh, biatch? [headz up tha door]

Cartman Mom?

Liane [looks in] Yes, hon?

Cartman If you was up in a German scheisse vizzle, y-you'd tell me, right?

Liane [hesitates fo' a moment] Sure, hon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dope night son! [shuts tha door fo' realz. A few secondz later, n' Cartman is packin shiznit tha fuck into his backpack]

Kenny (Yo, dude.) [Cartman looks n' runs tha fuck into bed, hidin under tha covers.]

Cartman Ah! Spooky ghooost playa!

Kenny [now a pimp] (Whatz tha matter, biatch? Yo ass can't be afraid of mah dirty ass.)

Cartman [lowers tha covers] Kenny?! Is dat yo slick ass?!

Kenny (Yes yes y'all. It aint nuthin but Satan! Dat punk comin right now!)

Cartman Satan, biatch? Satan is comin here?

Kenny (Thatz right, n' he gonna brang Saddam Hussein wit him!)

Cartman Saddam Hussein?! That don't make sense, Kenny hommie!

Kenny [comin close ta Cartman] (Well, they both gonna come right here right now!)

Cartman Aaaaaaaah! [runs back ta bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Kenny sees tha doorknob turn n' flies tha fuck into Cartmanz radio as Liane enters]

Liane Eric, what tha fuck is it?

Cartman I saw him! I saw Kenny hommie!

Liane Oh, you skanky dear playa! You've been all up in all muthafuckin day.

Cartman I bet his ass his schmoooove ass couldn't light a funky-ass bust a funky-ass big-ass fart on fire, n' now he all pissed off. [bzzzt] Ey dawwwwg! I can't say "Pissed off?" [bzzzt] Yaa!

Hell, Satanz livin room. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan looks at his crystal bizzle at Terrizzle n' Phillip

Satan Da execution of Terrizzle n' Phillip is imminent. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Soon, Saddam n' I'ma rule tha ghetto hommie! [laughs wickedly]

Saddam [entas tha room wit a suitcase] Yo, Satan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I gots some freshly smoked up luggage fo' our trip up ta earth. Letz fuck ta big-up biaatch!

Satan [sits on tha sofa n' gets tender] Whatz it like up on earth, Saddam, biatch? Tell me bout it again.

Saddam [comes on ta Satan] Aw, letz not talk. Letz git busy hommie!

Satan [brushes his ass off] Do you remember when you first gots here, biatch? We used ta rap all night long, until tha sun came up. Us thugs would just lie up in bed n' ...talk.

Saddam Well, yeah, 'cause I was still waitin' ta git you up in bed, dummy hommie!

Satan How tha fuck come you always wanna bust a nut on me from behind, biatch? Is it cuz you wanna pretend I be some muthafucka else?

Saddam Satan, yo' ass is gigantic n' red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is I gonna pretend yo ass is, biatch? Liza Minnelli, biatch? [Satan jumps up n' strutts away up in a huff] Aw, don't git all pissy dawwwwg! [Satan exits tha residence, strutts down a hall, n' sighs yo. Dude reaches a funky-ass balcony n' looks up over his fuckin lil' domain]

Satan



Sometimes I think

When I look up, real high

That there be a such a funky-ass big-ass ghetto up there,

I'd like ta give it a try



[imagines a aiiight couple, tha playa picks up tha biatch n' turns her round n' around]



But then I sink,

'Cause itz here I be s'posed ta stay.

But I git so lonely down here;

Tell me, why do it gotta be dat way?



Up there, there be a so much room,

Where babies burp n' flowers bloom. [imagines tha scene yo. Dude holdz two babies]

Everyone dreams; I can dream, like a muthafucka.

Up there, up

Where tha skies is ocean-blue, [hez atop a mountain up in hikin gear]

I could be safe n' live without a cold-ass lil care, up

There.

Hmmm.

Choir Mmmmmmmmmm. Whoa-whoa!

Satan They say I don't belong (Ooo-oo-oo-oo)

I be stayin below, ridin' solo. (Ooo-ooo oo-oo-ooooooo)

Because of mah beliefs I be supposed

To stay where evil is sown. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. (Oo oo-oooo) [three tortured souls sing]



But what tha fuck is evil, anyway, biatch? (Haa-aa-a-a)

Is there reason ta tha rhyme, biatch? (Ooo-ooo oo-oo-ooooooo)

Without evil there could be no good, [choir joins in] so it must be

Dope ta be evil sometimes.



[more images is shown. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan is sailin on tha S.S. Manhandlez, chillaxin on a cold-ass lil chaise longue as two pimps play up in tha pool before him, standin all up in tha shipz prow, raisin a martini as some birdz fly up n' away, hang-gliding,]



Up there, [choir drops out] there be a so much room, (Aaa-aaa)

Where babies burp n' flowers bloom. (Oo-oo-ooo)

Everyone dreams; I can dream, like a muthafucka.

[choir joins in] Up there, up [choir drops out]

(Oooo-oooo) Where tha skies is ocean-blue,

I could be safe n' live without a cold-ass lil care,



Choir Without a cold-ass lil care,

Satan Live without a cold-ass lil care. [holdz on ta a rock pillar]

Choir If I could...

Satan If only I could live up ["...live...up..."]

All There biaatch!

Satan Ooooo!

I wanna live, I wanna live up there biaatch!

Yeah, baby, oo!

I wanna live up [choir joins up in as outa space is shown]

There biaaatch! [a meteor streaks across]

Ohhh!



Carlz Warehouse, past bedtime. Da warehouse is ratty, wit a gangbangin' flickerin overhead light all up in tha entrance. Inside, Stan n' Kyle work on tha banner, "Viva la Resistance," wit various paints, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Cartman rushes in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan n' Kyle stop painting.

Kyle Yo ass is late, Cartman!

Cartman I had ta ride mah bike here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. My fuckin behind is cappin' mah dirty ass.

Kyle Yo crazy-ass behind?

Cartman I gotta say "behind" 'cause I git shocked if I say, "Ass." [bzzzt] Ow!

Kyle Did yo dirty ass brang tha punch n' pie?

Cartman [whispers loudly] No! Yo ass muthafuckas muthafucka! Somethang happened hommie! I don't be thinkin Kennyz dead as fuckin fried chicken.

Stan What?

Cartman I saw his ass up in mah room.

Kyle I know, Cartman, I know. I peep Kenny every last muthafuckin day.

Cartman Yo ass do?

Kyle Sure, dude. On tha grill of every last muthafuckin child. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! On tha smile of every last muthafuckin baby. [he n' Stan laugh]

Cartman Yo dawwwwg! I be spittin some lyrics ta you, dis was Kenny yo. Dude holla'd dat if Terrizzle n' Phillip die, Saddam Hussein n' Satan is gonna come up n' rule tha ghetto dawwwg!

Kyle Saddam Hussein?! [a knock is heard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da three gasp, turn, n' grill tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Kyle hops up some rigged steps ta look all up in tha mail slot] Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is it?!

Gregory [only his afro is seen] I be here fo' La Resistance.

Kyle Whatz tha password?!

Gregory Uh, I don't give a gangbangin' fuck.

Kyle Guess.

Gregory Uh, "Bacon."

Kyle ...Okay. [hops down n' opens tha door]

Gregory Viva la Resistizzle biaatch!

Stan Oh, no, itz dat kid dawwwg!

Gregory [aside] This is tha place. [Wendy steps up]

Stan Wendy?

Wendy Stan, biatch? Yo ass started La Resistance, biatch? [Stan vomits up in amazement]

Gregory Well, apparently you mo' ballistical than we thought. Let our asses git dis meetin underway; there be nuff others coming. [closes tha door]

Carlz Warehouse, sometime later n' shit. Mo' lil playas is present

Kyle Fuck dis shiznit son! All dem playas flossed up.

Stan [opens tha meeting] 'Kay, uh, Terrizzle n' Phillip is supposed ta be capped, n' we be thinkin dat sucks ass muthafucka! [a pimp up in tha back raises his hand] Yes?

Boy Uh, we was ta KNOW there'd be pie n' punch?

Kyle There aint any.

Boy Oh. [leaves wit another kid]

Stan Uh, Terrizzle n' Phillip is supposed ta be capped, so we be thinkin we should...prank call a funky-ass bunch of policemen! A-and, n' have pizzys busted ta dem dat they didn't order playa! Viva la Resistizzle biaatch!

Gregory Hoh. [sighs heavily]

Stan Uh...

Gregory May I?

Stan What?!

Gregory [approaches a map book. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan n' Kyle step aside] Terrizzle n' Phillip is currently bein held all up in tha Canuck internment camp two kilometas outside of town. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They're ta be executed tomorrow, durin a star-studded USO show fo' tha troops.

Cartman Tomorrow?!

Gregory Once tha show begins, we should have bout one minute ta git Terrizzle n' Phillip outta they cell [next page], n' tha fuck into dis clearing. There we will all rendezvous, n' together [next page], take Terrizzle n' Phillip safely back ta Canada.

Kyle Fuck dat shit, dude biaaatch! Wendyz freshly smoked up muthafucka is smart. [Stan git mad]

Gregory Yo ass must hook up wit me all up in tha rendezvous point at precisely 10 PM. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sneakin tha fuck into tha show n' breakin up Terrizzle n' Phillip is ghon be da most thugged-out fucked up part, so I be bout ta go mah dirty ass. [Wendy smilez at his ass n' Stan reacts]

Stan No! [grabs Kyle] We going. We started La Resistance, we'll git Terrizzle n' Phillip n' hook up you all up in tha rendez-vouse point.

Gregory This... is ghon be straight-up dangerous. Is you like sure?

Cartman Fuck dat son! [bzzzt] Ah!

Stan Cartman, do you want dat V-chip up in you forever?! We going. Now, letz run all up in tha plan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [Gregory n' Stan say shit bout as others listen]

Da internment camp: U.S fo' realz. ARMY ANTI-CANADA CONTROL HEADQUARTERS. Da Army has gathered up in tha camp arena n' tha soldiers is poppin' off amongst theyselves.

Soldier [to another soldier] Now, uh, when you blast some muthafucka, you gotta go fo' some muthafucka wide open, aiiiight?

Jimb Oh, pimp dawwwwg! Military action, Ned. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Letz bust a cap up in our asses some Goddamned Australians!

Ned Mmm-I be thinkin we fightin Canucks.

Jimbo Canadians, Australians, whatz tha difference?

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison [to Mista Muthafuckin yo. Hat] Yeah! This uniform make me feel like a tough, brute dude, Mista Muthafuckin yo. Hat. [Mista Muthafuckin Mackey, chillin next ta him, looks all up in tha conversation between tha two]

Mista Muthafuckin yo. Hat It shizzle do, Mista Muthafuckin Garrison!

Mista Muthafuckin Garrison Oh, boy. I be locked n loaded fo' our first shore leave, so I can git me some fuckin' poontang.

General [opens tha session] Pay attention! Tomorrow night is tha USO show, fo' all you troops. There is ghon be clowns, followed by tha execution of Terrizzle n' Phillip.

Soldiers Yeah! Woo!

General Afta tha show, we will finally be bustin ground troops tha fuck into Canada. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So letz strategize biaaatch! Map! [a holographic rotatin globe appears, which is replaced by a 3-D map of Canada] Our sources have holla'd at our asses dat tha Canucks is preparin fo' our invasion, so we must use caution. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Each battalion has a specific code name n' mission. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Battalion 5, raise yo' hands. [the battalion made up solely of African-Americans, hustled by Chef, raises its hands] Yo ass is ghon be tha all-important first battle wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield."

Chef Yo, wait a minute biaatch!

General Now, keep up in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" betta recognize heavy losses. Battalion 14, biatch? [the battalion next ta Chefz raises its hands. they is all Caucasians] Right. Yo ass is "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." Yo ass will follow Battalion 5, here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. [the map animates ta show tha darkies gettin blasted down by planes as tha white troops move up in behind dem wild-ass muthafuckas.] And try not ta git capped, fo' Godz sake biaaatch! Is there any thangs, men, biatch? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?

Chef Has you done eva heard of tha Emancipation Proclamation?

General I don't dig hip-hop fo' realz. Afta that, we will march tha fuck into tha ass of Canada, n' we will�"

Saddam [his head breaks up in over tha map] I be comin' ta getcha! I be comin' ta getcha!

General Oh, whatz wack wit dis thang, biatch? [goes ta tha base of tha holograph, opens a lil' small-ass door n' presses some buttons] Fuckin' Windows '98! Git Bizzle Gates up in here [several soldiers escort Bizzle Gates in] Yo ass holla'd at our asses Windows '98 would be faster, n' mo' efficient, wit betta access ta tha Internizzle playa!

Bizzle Gates It be fasta n' shit. Over five mazillion [BANG. Bizzle falls away as tha general lowers his wild lil' freakadelic gun]

General All right, men! Git fuckin shitloadz of rest, n' prepare ta fight tha Canuck scum! [the soldiers nearly drown his ass up wit they cheering. Battalion 5 stays put.]

Carlz Warehouse, tha meetin continues. Battle plans is set up on a makeshift table wit army toys

Gregory Afta you have Terrizzle n' Phillip, on tha fuckin' down-lowly make yo' way ta dis ridge. Us thugs is ghon be waitin fo' you there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. We cannot wait fo' long. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So if you not there at ten, we will gotta muthafuckin bounce.

Stan Gotcha!

Gregory Yo ass is indeed brave. But yo big-ass booty is ghon need help from one of mah thugs whoz done dis sort of thang before yo. Herez tha address of Da Mole.

Cartman Da Mole?

Gregory Dude be a expert up in covert operations, a mercenary fo' hire. Yo crazy-ass first task is ghon be obtainin his muthafuckin ass. Git fuckin shitloadz of chill. Tomorrow, we will all be riskin our lives... fo' freedom. [begins ta move away]



[slow] Dogg has smiled upon you dis day.

fate of a hood up in yo' hands. [draws a sword]

And pimped be tha children, we, whoz ass fight wit all our bravery

'Til only tha righteous stand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! [steps up ta a soapbox]



[fast] Yo ass peep tha distant flames, they bellow up in tha night

Yo ass fight up in all our names fo' what tha fuck we know is right.

And when you all git blasted n' cannot carry on,

Though you die, La Resistizzle lives on! [the other lil playas gather before him]



Gregory n' tha kids

Yo ass may git jabbed up in tha head wit a thugged-out dagger or a sword.

Yo ass may be burned ta dirtnap, or skinned kickin it, or worse.

But when they torture you, yo big-ass booty is ghon not feel tha need ta run, for,

Though you die, La Resistizzle lives on!



Women [preparin tha electric chairs]

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Sheila Because tha ghettoz gone awry hommie!

Tomorrow night these freaks will fry hommie!

Soldiers

[practicin they march. Da thugs' fathers is among them]

Tomorrow night.

Our lives'll chizzle.

Tomorrow night.

We bout ta be entertained.

An execution!

What a sight playa!

Tomorrow night playa!



Satan [seein tha preparations from Hell]

Up there, there be a so much room,

Where babies burp n' flowers bloom.

Tomorrow night, up there is doomed,

And so I'ma be goin soon!



Terrizzle n' Phillip

[chained ta tha wall up in they cell up in tha interment camp]

Shut yo' fuckin face, uncle fucka!

Yo ass be a funky-ass boner-bitin bastard, uncle fucka!



Terrance Looks like we may be outta luck.

Phillip Tomorrow night, we pretty fucked dawwwg!

Stan, Kyle

[standin apart from tha other kids. Cartman chews on some chips]

Why did our mothers start dis war?

What tha fuck is they fightin for?

When did dis cold lil' woo wop become a marathon?



[Satan n' Sheila is next shown split-screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da beatz of they joints sync up.]



Satan I wanna be... up... there biaatch!

Sheila ...When Canada is dead n' gone there'll be no mo' Celine Dion!

La Resistizzle n' tha soldiers is next shown split-screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They trade lines.

Gregory n' tha kids

(Soldiers)

They may cut yo' dick up in half

(Tomorrow night.)

And serve it ta a pig.

(Our lives'll chizzle.)

And though it hurts, you gonna laugh,

(Tomorrow night)

And you gonna dizzle a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dickless jig.

(We bout ta be entertained.)

Well thatz tha way it goes

(An execution!)

In war yo ass is shat upon!

(What a sight!)

Though we take a thugged-out dirt nap...



Satan, Gregory n' tha kids, n' Stan n' his wild lil' playaz reach n' sustain they last notes when tha dem hoes start they last lyrics fo' realz. At dat point, four windows appear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. In tha straight-up original gangsta is tha motherz of Downtown Park round tha electric chairs, up in tha second is tha soldiers, up in tha third is Satan by his dirty ass, n' up in tha fourth is Gregory n' tha lil playas fo' realz. All compete ta be heard.

Satan I... want... to... be... up... there biaatch!

Soldiers ...Tomorrow night playa!

Gregory n' tha kids ...La Resistance... lives on!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman ...Tomorrow we fight fo' La Resistizzle biaatch!

Da soldiers begin they coda just before tha dem hoes do.

Women ..Just don't cry up "Blame yourselves"

[Coda] ...and Blame Canada! Blame Canada! ...Blame Canada!

Soldiers [Coda] We bout ta be entertained hommie! Our lives'll chizzle biaaatch! Tomorrow night playa!



[Da La Resistizzle flag marches across tha screen erasin tha windows n' leavin La Resistizzle on full-screen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Buttas returns wit tha flag n' carries it behind Gregory, then trips wit it]

Hell. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan n' Saddam is back up in bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Satan wears readz from a funky-ass book wit a gangbangin' familiar ring...

Saddam Oh boy, I be soopa-doopa buckwild hommie! Just one mo' dizzle n' we can take over tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! [coaxing] I don't give a fuck if I can chill, if you know what tha fuck I mean.

Satan [readin from "Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is straight-up interesting. Well shiiiit, it talks bout how tha fuck playas rap differently. Like, I rap by wantin you ta ask me thangs, n' you communicate�"

Saddam Yo, dat is interesting! Letz fuck!

Satan Saddam, I be tryin ta git a sick conversation wit you, nahmean biiiatch?

Saddam [exposin a realistic dildo] Yo Satan...

Satan Aw! Now, dat is just not appropriate biaatch!

Saddam [holdz it wit both handz like a sausage] Aw, Come on, I be just fuckin' wit you, biatch. [tosses it aside] It aint nuthin but not real.

Satan Oh, well, thatz still not appropriate.

Saddam [exposin a second, longer dildo] Eeyy, Satan...

Satan Aw! [in disgust, gets up n' leaves tha room]

Saddam Ah-Ha, it aint real, either n' shit. Come on, muthafucka!

Outside, up in tha hall. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan sobs. Kenny appears n' strutts up ta his muthafuckin ass.

Kenny (Whatz wrong?)

Satan [fronts] Oh! Uh, uh... ha ha ha ha! Soon, tha ghetto will belong ta me biaatch!

Kenny [unfazed] (Fuck dat shit, whatz wrong, dude?)

Satan [drops tha front] It aint nuthin but Saddam yo. Dude don't nurture mah emotions yo. Dude just wants sex, n' can't learn ta rap.

Kenny (Why don't you just fuckin' leave him?)

Satan Yo ass is right. I should leave his muthafuckin ass. I be just gonna tell him, "Saddam, I be goin ta earth ta rule ridin' solo." I be strong, n' I don't need him!

Kenny (Dope fo' you, nahmean biiiatch?)

Downtown Park, up in front of tha Broflovski house, next day. It make me wanna hollar playa! A troop marches down tha street

Troop leader Todayz tha dizzle fo' tha USO show,

Troops We so aiiight we git ta bounce tha fuck out.

Troop leader I don't give a fuck yo, but I've been holla'd at,

Troops Canadian pussaaaaay is mighty cold.

Da Broflovski house, attic. Kyle places Ike up in dat shit

Kyle Ike, you gotta stay up in tha attic. 'cause if they find you, they'll put you up in a Canuck concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we gonna put a end ta all dis bullshit fo' realz. And then I be bout ta make momma come home, n' we'll be a cold-ass lil crew again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. [closes tha access door n' leaves. Ike hops ta tha window, climbs up a funky-ass box n' looks out]

Ike Home. [turns around, sits, pulls up a harmonica, n' starts blowing]

Da Molez house. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stan, Kyle, n' Cartmman arrive, n' Stan knocks. Da Molez mutha lyrics tha door

Mother 'Allo?

Stan Yo! We need ta drop a rhyme wit "Da Mole."

Mother I be sohry. Ze Mole is grounded. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! 'E can't come up n' play.

Cartman What?

Kyle Dat punk a kid?

Mother 'E holla'd straight-up naughty thangz bout Dogg.

Stan Oh. Well, can our laid-back asses just rap ta his ass fo' five seconds, please?

Mother Well, all right. [goes inside] Christophe biaaatch! [Christophe comes ta tha door]

Stan Yo! Uh... we gonna go rescue Terrizzle n' Phillip from tha USO show, n' we was just�"

Da Mole [steps up n' throttlez Stan by tha collar] Shh! Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is yo slick ass?! Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck busted yo slick ass?!

Kyle That Gregory kid hommie! Dude holla'd you could sneak our asses in.

Da Mole [drops Stan] Is you spittin some lyrics ta me dat you intend ta break tha fuck into tha USO show, filled wit thousandz of soldiers, n' break up Terrizzle n' Phillippe?

Cartman ...I thought dat shiznit was a pimpin' wack idea, like a muthafucka.

Stan We La Resistance. Us thugs wanna save Terrizzle n' Phillip, n' stop tha war n' stuff.

Da Mole I can't help you, biatch. I be grounded up in mah room fo' tha next three days.

Kyle So is we. Our muthafathas be thinkin our crazy asses home n' aint a thugged-out damn thang dat yo' ass can do. Why is you grounded?

Da Mole Why, biatch? Because Dogg hates me, thatz why yo. Dude has made mah game miserable. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I called his ass a cold-ass lil cocksuckin asshole. Then I git grounded.

Kyle So will you help us?

Da Mole [backs up tha fuck into tha house] Straight-up well. Hook up me up in tha back yard up in five minutes. Viva La Resistizzle biaaatch! We bout ta show Dogg dat our asses aint gonna fuckin take any mo' of his�"

Mother What?! Christophe, git up in here biaaatch! [he throws down his blunt n' crushes it]

Da Mole Coming, mutha playa! [turns, rushes in, n' closes tha door]

Hell. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Satan standz before his bangin room tryin ta generate resolve

Satan [to his dirty ass] I must be strong. I must be strong. [enters] Saddam, I need ta rap ta you, biatch.

Satanz room. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Saddam be already packing

Saddam Ah! Yo ass betta git packin', biiiatch. We gotta go! We hustlin outta time biaatch!

Satan [sits all up in tha foot of tha bed n' sighs] Saddam, sometimes you can ludd a thug straight-up much yo, but still know dat they aren't right fo' you, biatch.

Saddam What tha fuck is you poppin' off about?!

Satan Yo ass treat me like shit, Saddam! I be leavin you, nahmean biiiatch, biatch? I be goin up ta earth ta rule alone biaatch!

Saddam [gasps n' freezes] No! Fuck dat shit, you can't do dat playa!

Satan I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit. But I gotta be strong.

Saddam Satan,. Biiiatch please.Gimme another chance. I gotta git all up in earth.

Satan Yo ass don't even have any respect fo' mah dirty ass.

Saddam Ah, shizzle I do, muthafucka! Yo, just hear me out.



Some playas say dat I be a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass muthafucka.

They may be right, they may be right.

But it aint as if I don't try.

I just fuck up, try as I might.



[At tha end of dis chorus, da perved-out muthafucka standz before a sunburst wit a halo on his head]



But I can chizzle, I can chizzle.

I can learn ta keep mah promises, I swear dat shit

I be bout ta open up mah ass n' I'ma share it fo' realz. Any minute now, I'ma be born again.



[In tha followin chorus, curtains open ta reveal dancers yo. Dude takes one of them, breaks her back on his knee, tosses her aside, n' shows a picture of his dirty ass]



Yes, I can chizzle, I can chizzle.

I know I've been a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty lil bastard

I gotta kill, I gotta maim. Yes, I be insane yo, but itz all gravy 'cause I can chizzle biaatch!



[In dis verse, da perved-out muthafucka smokes a hookah, then shows how tha fuck he overcame his thugged-out lil' muthafathas]



It aint nuthin but not mah fault dat I be soopa-doopa evil.

It aint nuthin but society. Posse.

Yo ass see, mah muthafathas was sometimes abusive.

And it done cooked up a prick of mah dirty ass.



But I can chizzle, I can chizzle.

I can learn ta keep mah promises, I swear dat shit

I be bout ta open up mah ass n' I'ma share it fo' realz. Any minute now, I'ma be born again.s



Satan But what tha fuck if you never chizzle?

What if you remain a sandy lil butthole?

Saddam

Ey, Satan! Don't be such a twit son! Muthafucka Teresa won't have shiznit on me biaatch!

Just watch. Just peep me chizzle biaaatch! Here I go, I be changing!



[fast instrumental. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Saddam starts break-dancing. This effort has Satan enamored]

Heeeey.

Hut yo. Hut yo. Hut yo. Hut yo. Hut yo. Hut yo. Hut yo. Hut.



[silence]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Yo ass see, biatch? I've straight-up matured.



Satan Oh, all right.

Saddam All right playa!

Satan Come on, we gotta hurry. [grabs tha suitcase n' hurries up tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Saddam bigs up]

Saddam I gots a str