The idea of writing a blog post chronicling my sexual assault trial has been on my mind for a while now. However, the reality of actually putting my words out for people to freely read is way more difficult than it first seemed in theory, which is why I’ve decided to bite the bullet and have my first blog post be quite a hard-hitting one.

If you haven’t already read my about me which gives more information about why this blog is about then here is a bit of back story: On the 30th July 2016, I was raped whilst on a night out in Liverpool with 2 friends. I will share more of my story in future posts.

I don’t really know the first time a victim personal statement was brought up to me during the investigation but I remember putting off writing it for a very, very long time.

One day a friend was sat with me and said come on we will write it now. We started writing out the events, followed by the feelings that came along with it then the impact it had on my life. I went from having nothing to say to 6 pages, this then got cut down to 2, keeping in the most significant parts.

If you don’t already know what a victim personal statement (VPS) is, it is a victims summary of how the crime has affected them and their life. The VPS would be read in court in the case of a guilty verdict to help influence sentencing.

I’ve already gave my reason for why I am sharing so much of this information so i am not going to get repetitive, so here it is, my victim statement.

Please Note: Some parts of this statement have been taken out as they are a bit too personal to me or are about my relationship with other people.

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VPS

I don’t know who the man is that has been on trial this week, but he knows me and my body.

Initially I didn’t know what the events spoke of this week made me feel. Dirty? Abused? Violated? Stupid? Angry? Sad? Ashamed?

My view is that sex should be special. In my 23 years, I have allowed one person access to my body in that way, and that has now been stolen from me.

When my mum called the Police, all I wanted to do was shower and sleep but I was not allowed to. I was questioned, I had to keep this man’s touch on me. I stripped my clothes and they were taken away in evidence bags. I was exhausted, my body was aching, heart hurting, and my pride and dignity in pieces.

My body was wiped and swabbed to take his DNA. That morning not only did he invade my body, he invaded my home. I could see this was devastating and hurting the people I love.

I was examined by a doctor; poked, prodded, swabbed and photographed. It’s like my body was no longer mine while he is still on me. The doctor told me that I had suffered some injuries. I felt violated, ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted more than I did before which I didn’t think was possible. At home I scrub my skin of him but I couldn’t clean my mind of him.

I received a phone call from the sexual health clinic confirmed I had chlamydia. The initial feeling when I found out I had been passed this STI was sickness, embarrassment, anger then hurt. How dare he not only use my body without my consent for his own pleasure or other reasoning but he passed me a disease. Thankfully i could clear it up with just a few tablets, and not left with something that would change my whole life.

When i thought things couldn’t get any worse I found out that I was pregnant, the morning after contraceptive pill had not worked on me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How can this happen to one person? Raped. Chlamydia. Now pregnancy.

I break the news to my friends and family. I feel like I’m putting them though a never-ending emotional battle.

I have always wanted to be a parent and hope to have my own children in the future with someone I love but I had to disassociate myself from this feeling, the feeling of having my first pregnancy ripped away from me. I just wanted to be held by my Dad and cry but instead I had to sit for hours waiting to have an abortion in a tiny clinic.

I have taken a lot of time off work. I kept going back to work to attempt to get back to my life but it seems this man is still with me. I had to leave the role I was in because I was made to feel that I had become undervalued and unreliable due to my time off.

I didn’t plan to be in the role forever, I still don’t know what i want to do or be but I thought that eventually I would get back into working at my career of being a teacher. What I spent 3 years of my life at university for. I love to teach, I love to lead and I love most of all to care and love people. But now don’t know if I’ll have the confidence or motivation to be that person anymore. I feel my option of going back has been taken away from me.

I’m lucky that I don’t remember my attack but during this whole time I have never been allowed to know the details of what happened to me that night. I haven’t been allowed to know this man’s name or what he is saying about me but he gets to hear all about me. I worry he knows where I live. I am paranoid about online accounts I don’t know.

Despite these events that have followed the attack, the worse result of this attack is the detrimental impact on my mental health and social life. I am normally a strong girl with immense self-awareness and understanding. I am naturally an extrovert who loves to be around her friends and family but I also love my alone time because I’m comfortable in my own self. Well I was before him.

I was given antidepressants after months of not feeling like I can even get up in a morning. I don’t want to see my friends or be in the same types of environments as I used to, I don’t want to see my family, I hate going out most days. I have questioned myself, I have become more self-conscious, I worry what everyone thinks about me, I feel weak, and I see danger in too many places. I feel like my view of the world has been changed. I have always been told one of my most stand out and best qualities and but biggest flaws is that I see the good in everything and everyone. How am I supposed to do that now?

I’ve had to watch my family cry. I’ve watched my best friend suffer with anxiety and problems that have increased due to this. I’ve felt my parent’s heart break. I feel a burden to everyone around me. I am a changed person and out of everything that could happen the one thing I wish for is that I get myself back eventually.

Despite all the events that have happened that night I have learnt a lot due to this man’s actions.

I have learnt the value of good friendship, that someone you love can completely turn against you in a time of need and that I need to start to stand up for myself and what I believe in more.

I have learnt how much I am loved by my friends and family. How amazing my support system is and how strong I can be even though I may doubt myself some days. Most importantly I have learnt a lot about the rape culture of the world we live in. How as a society if a girl is drunk while raped a response is surely she was asking for it? Surely she shouldn’t have been drinking that much?

I hope the outcome today is the outcome I deserve and I am reading this statement. It’s not fair that we live in a world where I must come here scared that I am going to be ripped apart after everything I have already been through. I should not be scared that my parents are going to hear things they should never have to. I should not be asked ‘are you sure you want to go through with this?’ I should not have been doubted or made to doubt myself. It shouldn’t matter how much I drank. It shouldn’t matter what I wore.

During this one of my friends said. No this shouldn’t have happened to Katie, she is the last person this should happen to.

She was right this should never have happened to me or anyone, this last year of my life has been the hardest year I think I will ever go through but I found my own ways to get through it and if what I went through has put a man away for his actions and i keep him from doing this to even just one other person, maybe a person that wouldn’t have had the strength or support to be here then to me it has all been worth it.

I would like to say thank you to the police officers involved in my case and to the jury for believing my truth. This may have been work or a duty to you but you have changed my life and you could have just saved another girls.