A happy marriage must involve give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

A: They are hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!

Son to Father: “Daddy, I was wondering, how much does it cost to get married?”

Farther to Son: “I have no idea, son, I’m still paying for it…”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” -Henny Youngman

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way!” -Henny Youngman

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” -Milton Berle

After a fight, a wife says to her husband, “I was a fool when I married you!”

The husband replies, “Yes, my dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t realize that his first name was Always.

After rubbing the bottle, a genie pops out and tells the lucky man that he can have one wish, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. He ponders this for a moment, and finally says “Ok, I’ve got it! Give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death.”

“No, dear, I don’t hate your family. In fact, I like your mother-in-law much more than I like mine.”

What is a good way for a man to define his marriage? A very expensive way to get his laundry done for free.

The best way to get your husband to do something: suggest that perhaps he’s too old to do it.

“I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury.” -George Burns

Marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.

My wife says that I never listen, or something like that…

A man said that all of his credit cards were stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Always remember these two magic words for a successful marriage: “You’re right”.

And the two secrets to keep it long lasting: “A good sense of humor and a short memory.”

We always hold hands! If I let go, she’ll shop.

A woman always has the final word in any argument. Anything a man says after that, is the beginning of another argument.

A psychiatrist is just a person who will give you very expensive answers that your wife can give you for free.

Husband to his wife: “Do you know the true meaning of WIFE? It mean Without Information Fighting Everytime.”

Wife to Husband: “No, it means… With Idiot For Ever!!”

Men are like floor tiles. If you can lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.