28 February 2013



*laugh track* You could at least buy me dinner first!

N ever before have men so looked forward to being touched by their doctor.

As a new procedure to keep birth rates down, Planned Parenthood is offering a new service in which a doctor will jack off the man three times in one session. The premise behind this creatively unique new medical procedure is the based on the old husband's tale that the sperm count drops once a man masturbates three times before sexual intercourse. Is this actually a biological fact? Does it matter? You get to have a professional milk you like a farmer.

While the procedure is spreading in popularity among the sexually active fast enough to give STDs some much needed competition, Christian conservatives oppose the practice on the belief that a man's seed is sacred. To quote the Scriptural account of one of the most famous acts of coitus interruptus:

“ And Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother’s wife and marry her, and raise up an heir to your brother." But Onan knew that the heir would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother’s wife, that he emitted on the ground, lest he should give an heir to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; therefore He killed him also. -- Genesis 38:8-10 (New King James Version) ”



Onan violated the ancient Jewish custom of impregnating his dead brother's widow to carry on the family line and was immediately smited. Ergo, God doesn't want you to waste your juice. A number of Catholic theologians go even further by demanding that life begins before ejaculation. More precisely, life, and thus personhood, begins when the sperm is created in the man's testicles. Under this interpretation, each masturbating is a massacre of 100 million of one's own children. All alone and feeling bored on an afternoon? It only takes 30 seconds of weakness to become worse than several combined Hitlers and Stalins.

Toned way the fuck down, the new handjob procedure could be seen as abortion for men. While conservatives use the phrase "abortion for men" pejoratively, Planned Parenthood is considering using it as a marketing slogan. Mass protests are already rising up at clinics across the country, while the legality of the procedure is being taken into question under each state's individual prostitution laws. Planned Parenthood insists that all forms of masturbation, whether performed by oneself, a partner, or a professional with a medical degree, is protected under the constitutional right the bare knuckles.