Our columnist suggests a few non-controversial causes the actor can get behind

Dear Deepika,

I used to be your fan. Piku was my favourite film. I loved its patriotic theme: a fearless exposé on Bengalis, and their adamant refusal to listen to reason or accept sanskari values on account of their chronic constipation.

But of late, you have been behaving more like Prakash Raj’s daughter than Prakash Padukone’s.

As a badminton player, your father brought many laurels to our ancient civilisation in modern times. (Badminton, BTW, was invented in pre-Vedic India by Sage Sindhusaina. It was originally called padmanthan and played with a ball of cow dung with peacock feathers stuck in it.) Pity he gave up at that stage. Had he continued working hard, we have no doubt that he would have been promoted to being a tennis player, but that’s another story.

My question, young lady, is what in heaven’s name are you doing with these tukde-tukde fellows of JNU? Don’t you know what the JN in JNU stands for? Isn’t that alone reason enough for you to avoid these people?

If you want to be an activist, why don’t you follow the many role models from your own industry, my child? It is not too late.

For starters, Hemaji. She is a good place to begin. After all, you did play Dreamy Girl in your debut film. When it comes to taking up burning issues before you can so much as say ‘Basanti’, none can beat Hemaji.

Not too long ago, Hemaji, moved by the plight of Mathura’s myriad monkeys, demanded a monkey safari to ensure their safety. And the planting — on a war-footing — of fruit-bearing trees in forests. Why? Because the wretched monkeys had picked up the food habits of humans, and instead of eating fruit, were demanding hot-hot samosas and kachoris, and insisting on washing them down with chilled Frooti.

Now that’s a good cause to pick up, don’t you think? Bringing monkeys back to a meat-free paleo diet, perhaps encouraging them to do some gym work even. No one likes a jowly, pot-bellied monkey checking the Swiggy app on its phone. It is not good for tourism. Our country is known for super-fit monkeys.

No? How about emulating Juhi Chawla, then?

“There is only one person who has not taken a leave in the last five years, not a single day off. That is our PM,” she said. “He thinks about the people round the clock. Do we think in this way?”

She also said “Thank God, apun ke underwear ka naam ‘Dollar’ hai. ‘Rupee’ hota to baar baar girta raheta!”

If you ask me, either cause is worth taking up.

I like Akshay Kumar, too. He is a good man. I’m blushing as I say this but he is kind of my muse. Why not take a leaf out of his Canadian edition of Exam Warrior? If Hemaji has dedicated herself to weaning Mathuran monkeys away from kachoris and Juhi is planning on contributing her accumulated leave to our leader while simultaneously trading underwear in the Forex market to boost the economy, Kumar has turned the focus towards India’s much neglected fruit, the mango.

Who can forget his riveting interview of our PM?

I’ll tell you what’s best, though. What will totally ensure you aren’t sent back to Copenhagen. Follow the greatest of them all, Amitabh Bachchan. After all, he did say “Hum jahan khade ho jaate hain, line wahi se shuru hoti hain.”

That way you could be standing behind Aamir, Salman, Shah Rukh and a whole lot of obedient Bollywood children. With your finger on your lips.

Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.