I feel I should point out these are not my actual views, I just made this as a joke for a friend.

Tea and Crumpets

or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bun

As we all know humans were drinking tea as early as 2737BC (Before Crumpets). Unfortunately they were doing it wrong and it took a good number of centuries before the British came along and stole the concept for the good of the land.

My proof? Just look at various countries treatment of tea:

China: Green stuff, no milk and no biscuits. Yes you read that right, NO BISCUITS! China, I’m sorry but you are no longer invited to the Spring Jamboree.

America: They threw it in a harbour…this is a terrible way to make tea. I cannot stress this enough.

Japan: Using the green stuff again and whisking the crap out of it. Also the process takes forever. Ain’t nobody got time for dat.

India: All those spices..it is tea not dinner. It isn’t broke - stop trying to fix it. Also evaporated milk is for desserts.

Morocco- More green stuff, this time toothpaste flavoured and poured from a great height to get a head on it you can stick a flake in.

Russia- putting it in a samovar (massive jar) and leaving it for a day to get that greasy brown film that only be removed with turps and adding a ton of sugar to cover that fact up. There is not enough sugar in the world to cover this up.

Pakistan: They add salt to it..so close and yet so far Pakistan. Sugar and salt do look very similar but I assure you they are different.

Tibet: They put Yak butter in it. Now this is a rookie mistake..you’ve mixed up the crumpets and the tea. Now you have soggy crumpets and greasy tea. This is the worst possible scenario short of the teapot exploding and killing you.

See what I mean? You can’t conquer a quarter of the globe, fight Nazis, invent the hovercraft and create a reasonably priced spring jamboree on salty, greasy, greeny, spicy tea.

Now onto the main event- the humble crumpet. Baron of the breakfast table. It took centuries to get it right, our Anglo-Saxon ancestors had a go but they couldn’t get the bubbles right. The key to a decent crumpet is bubbles because without the bubbles you don’t get the holes and the holes are the receptacles unto which the butter melts into.

In conclusion: tea- drink some. Crumpets- eat some. Tiffin- buy some.