Here’s the thing:

I’m biologically female.*

But there are a few things I don’t understand about commercials geared towards women.

You know the ones, I’m talking about:

The scene: A white mom wearing a matching sweater set and sensible slacks sits at the kitchen table drinking tea when a stampede of teenagers roll in carrying hockey sticks, soccer balls and a crow-bar screaming and lunging on the carpet.



“Kids! Can you just…“ she calls after them.

"Oh well,” she chuckles, shaking her head cheerfully while reaching down to procure a swiffer.

In an instant she cleans up the mess they’ve made, wipes her brow and high-fives a cartoon character while the kids run behind her in the background and f**k up the carpet again.

In reality, that situation would go like this:

The scene: A tired, frazzled, bloated middle-aged woman with no bra and sweatpants is lying on the couch watching QVC and eating Little Debbies, when a team of filthy teenagers run in front of her on the carpet,

“Oh HELL no!” she yells, launching up off the sofa, Little Debbie wrappers flying everywhere, “Tommy! Get your ass back here! I WILL F**KING END YOU!”

The camera pans out with her chasing after them with the swiffer screaming, “Not on my watch motherf**ker!”



That’s real life for you.

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*I did a quick-check in the shower the other day, and I’m pretty sure.