Are you turned on when you look in the mirror, and enjoy nothing more than a steamy night at home alone? You could be an autosexual

Age of the autosexual: the people sexually attracted to themselves

Name: Autosexuality.

Age: Exactly as old as I am.

Appearance: Beautiful, fun, charming, attractive, sexy. Like me.

If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem pretty pleased with yourself. Yes, I am, thanks.

It’s like you think you’re all that. I certainly do.

Wow. You’re really quite full of yourself, aren’t you? I wish.

Look, I’m trying to insult you. Will you please just act wounded? No can do. I’m too happy.

Why? Because I’m head over heels in love.

With whom? With me.

Wait. Who’s in love with you? I am.

What? My orientation happens to be autosexual.

What do you mean? Like a sexy robot? No, not like a sexy robot.

Or does it mean you get aroused by cars, like Jeremy Clarkson? It means that I am sexually attracted to myself.

How does that even work? Well, I usually start by lighting a few candles and checking I’ve got fresh batteries. Then …

Stop. If you’re talking about masturbation, everybody does that. I hear. Autosexuality is different from autoeroticism. It’s more about masturbating to the idea of yourself.

I’m afraid the distinction is lost on me. You might, for example, be turned on by your own nudity. In my case I’m also autoromantic – I literally love myself.

What are you talking about? I mean I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about me.

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No you don’t. Yes I do. I go on dates with myself and buy myself romantic gifts.

If you love yourself so much, why don’t you marry yourself? I may. The writer Ghia Vitale got engaged to herself in 2017, and plans a self-wedding at some point.

What’s stopping her? Cold feet? She’s just taking things slowly. “Although I will one day be my own wife, I am enjoying the feeling of being engaged.”

You are so having me on. I’m not, honestly. Sologamy is a real and growing phenomenon. Lots of people are saying “I do” to themselves in special ceremonies these days, although it is not legally recognised anywhere in the world.

Are you sure this isn’t more to do with the lonely resignation of people who can’t have relationships with others? Not all autosexual romances are monogamous, even if they are central to one’s love life. “I now realise that my relationship with myself is as valid as any other relationship,” says Vitale.

Do say: “Who’s the pretty girl in the mirror over there?”

Don’t say: “Look, this just isn’t working. It’s not me, it’s me.”