I have an announcement to make, folks, and it may raise a number of eyebrows. I would like to declare that I have decided to take a temporary vow of celibacy! My goal is six weeks. Think I'm crazy? I actually have very good reasons for this decision.

1. It will help me focus on work

Many of us spend the work day fantasizing about having sexual intercourse instead of what we should be fantasizing about: completing our office work in a punctual fashion. As an assistant manager at a small probiotic yogurt company, I simply don't have the option to fall behind on my duties. Going celibate to improve my productivity just makes sense.

2. I will have more energy for other things

Did you know that men burn an average of 100 calories during a lovemaking session? Exerting too much energy on sex is such a concern that some World Cup coaches have even banned their players from "doing the deed" during the tournament. What if I find myself in a situation where I have to save someone from a burning building? Or pull someone from a car wreck? Am I going to say to them, "Sorry! I'm too tired to save you as I had sexual intercourse today!" I don't think so.

3. I won't have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy

As the assistant manager of a probiotic yogurt company living in Brampton, I'm used to a pretty fast-paced lifestyle. Like an actor in a deodorant commercial, I'm constantly on the move, and don't have time to slow down for anyone – especially not a kid! I may be a doting father to my cats, but I am just not ready to be a father to a human yet. My celibacy vow will guarantee that this worry will not come to fruition.

4. Due to an unfortunate accident, my privates are going to be bandaged for the next 6 weeks anyway

I'm not going to bore you with the details, but let's just say that if you're going to eat a cream cheese Danish from Loblaw's at home – and you plan on heating it up first – you might want to watch out for piping hot cream cheese filling squirting out onto your body as you take a bite. Especially if you just happened to get out of the shower and aren't wearing pants. I mean it was like – boom, right on the privates! Unreal. Un-freaking-real.

For more information on the benefits of celibacy, try google.com