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Subject and Expectation:

The LGBTQ Community has suffered for too many years from judgment and hatred imposed by small-minded people that are fueled by the principle that anyone other than a heterosexual is evil and deserving of death by God, subject to an eternal fiery hell. This judgment and hatred has tortured people of this worldwide community for too long. The Small Town Humanist has an in-depth conversation with Sean Farmer, a human being that transitioned from a young man to a young woman in the early 1990s because she needed to find her own true happiness and contentment in life.

The expectation here is very high. It is our intent to show the world that these people that choose to live their lives differently than others, find absolute happiness being who they want to be. We want to do our part in showing that they are no different inside or in their personal life than anyone else. It is time to end the old fashioned and outdated prejudice and hatred that religion has nurtured on people of the LGBTQ population for far too long.

A Far Too Common Tragedy

What sparked the interest in choosing to interview a transgender? The world that we live in is changing at an unprecedented rate and there is much confusion as to what is right and what is wrong. Years of experience and statistics have shown us that religion is not the source to guide us. There are countless examples happening all over the world of people saying loudly, “enough is enough!” I am going to be what I want to be and I am going to love who I want to love. It is indeed a beautiful sight to see this worldwide expression of freedom coming from so many. The chains of sexual restriction that have been imposed by religion are now being broken.

However, has it always been this good?

In July of 2014, a young man took his own life at the age of thirty-four. Dr. Nazim Mahmood fell in love with a young man named Matt thirteen years prior in 2001. So, why did he choose this path of suicide? Nazim came to the heartbreaking realization inside of his heart that his family and friends would never come to accept him for being gay. He and his lover Matt we’re together for thirteen years and kept their affection for each other a secret for this very reason. The truth of their relationship emerged during a trip back to Birmingham for Eid Celebrations. His family found out and Nazim was devastated by their reaction. Within days, Nazim had taken his own life.

Surely this is not the first time that you’ve heard of this sort of tragedy; a person ending their own life because their family would not accept them for being anything other than heterosexual. And that is the reason why we have chosen to take on this topic. We wanted to have a heartfelt conversation with a person that has gone through this very hell during a time period where the stigma, prejudice, and hatred was still very high and running deep in mankind being fueled by religious opinions and rules.

I’m saying what all of these beautiful people are saying around the world at this very moment…enough is enough! The Small Town Humanist and our Organization of friends are standing beside the LGBTQ population, giving each of them the love and support that they need during this courageous journey in their lives to find freedom and contentment in love. We hope that this interview and discussion open minds and enlightens dark hearts of billions around the world that have been mental slaves of the disgusting and evil teachings that these people are bad, wrong, abnormal, weak, lost, or that they need to be changed or converted.

We hope you enjoy this as much as we did. You are about to meet one of the toughest and most courageous human beings I have ever met in my life. A truly beautiful person.

A Conversation With Sean Farmer

In July of 2019, I sat down with Sean Farmer.

Here is what ensued….

Jason: “Hello Sean! It is an honor to meet you. May I say welcome to our new friend. Well, are you ready to do this?”

Sean: “It’s going to be very difficult but yes, I am ready to help others with my story. Let’s do this!”

When did you first know that you wanted to live your life as a female?

You know, I feel like I’ve heard so many answers to that question over the years from others. For the most part, you always hear people saying, “Oh, I knew immediately when I was a child” and I do have to agree with that. I remember…I was probably four years old before we moved away from my birthplace. My sister had this red dress with yellow flowers on it, and I just loved putting it on. I always played with my oldest sister and I thought she was the coolest thing.

As an infant and with siblings

When we are that young, we also create our own little perceptions of certain things in life. On my thumb knuckle of my right hand there’s a small mole that I’ve had since I was born. I remember thinking that everybody’s born with this and then when we get older it must fall off or change. This was my four-year-old perception of that mole on my knuckle.

And in the same way, I also remember thinking, “I’m just like mom, I’m just like Lori. When I get old enough, what’s down there below the belt will change too, just like the mole on my hand. It’ll all just disappear and everything will be great. Then you start to go to school and you start to be around other children, and as the years go by you realize… ”oh dear, this shit is not changing!” And I can’t even begin to describe to you what a heartbreaking feeling that was as I grew…just soul-shattering. This is it, you’re stuck. This is what society expects from you. You live in a small town in Ohio where everybody plays football or is a cheerleader, and if you don’t fall into those categories then you’re, “faggot Farmer” or a nerd or whatever people decide you are.

When I was in first grade, the girls in the class called me Sally because they obviously realized something was different here. They pretty much took me as a female in first grade. Now doesn’t that say something about the innocence of children before we mold them to be prejudiced or judgmental? As I got older, the bullying got worse. I thought, “well, I guess I’m gay, but I just don’t understand any of this because I don’t want a man to touch me while I’m male.” So I didn’t really understand what was happening and it was terrifying. I was often suicidal, very depressed.

From the age of four until around the age of eighteen, I went through so many stages of depression, self-loathing, severe bullying, and had many occasions when I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up. I was suicidal often and really did feel that the only way out was death. When you don’t know who you are and can’t even explain it yourself, and society crushes you to your core because of the simple fact that you just don’t fit in, then death becomes a very attractive option to get away from the constant sadness and loneliness.

Then when I was eighteen I was watching a talk show on television. The guest on the show was a transgender woman named Jahna Steele. I was blown away at how gorgeous she was. She was amazing and glamorous…a showgirl in Las Vegas. She was just all that to me. Seeing her and listening to her talk, it was suddenly like an explosion inside of me. Are you kidding me….that’s it!!

All of these years, I never knew who or what I was. I knew it wasn’t simply that I was gay, but I didn’t know what’s happening to me. After seeing that beautiful transgender woman, it was like in a flash went off. The flood gates opened and I just knew. I knew it was either going to be this or death. That’s all there is to it. I had to do what was going to make me happy. This is what you are. All it took was for somebody to give it a name. It had been with me since my first memories but I just couldn’t identify what it was. And society definitely wasn’t going to help me name it.

I would say I knew all along from my first memories, but it wasn’t until I was eighteen that I said that this is going to be my path, this is what I have to do.

I want people to know that it’s not a choice. This is something that you try as hard as you can to blend in, just so that you’re not hurt or ostracized. To live with that every single minute of every single day is too much for anyone.

Can you tell me some of the battles you had in your mind and your heart over the years that you were building up the courage to move forward with it?

This is hard for me even now to put into words. It’s hard for me to say it because of my current belief. Once you believe in something its hard to go against it. If I’m being honest, there are still times when the anxiety and the depression take over and I get weary from the battle. I still feel sometimes that I don’t wanna be here, I think to myself, “this is all just ridiculous.” I’m happy to say that those times are so much more few and far between than they ever were. I want people to know that it does get easier. Life is hard, there’s no getting around it, we all have our own battles that give us stress anxiety, depression, or whatever. It’s just really hard when the fight never stops to gain society’s approval simply for who you are.

I want to give you an analogy of what it’s like for a person growing up like this.

I’ve grown up on a farm for my whole life and still live on a farm; I bought the house from my parents. For a period of my life, I was interested in possibly raising ostriches so I did a lot of research on them. I ran across an article that I would never forget. It was almost parallel to my life back then. For years farmers in the United States started raising ostriches for skin, meat, or feathers. All of a sudden their ostriches started dropping dead and they couldn’t understand why. Animals that were healthy one day were dropping over dead the next day.

One farmer decided he had to figure it out so he hired an animal behavioral scientist to investigate the problem. What the scientist concluded was that these ostriches, while sick and dying, continued to pretend that they were eating and drinking to mimic the other birds. They were doing this because they were raised in the wild and by instinct portrayed healthiness so that a predator wouldn’t view them as weak and pick them off…until one day they just dropped over dead from malnourishment.

For so many years, I acted like everybody else. I did as much as I could to be just like everybody else so that I wasn’t picked off by the predators. In that instinctual preservation mode, I went out with girls as a boy. I did stuff with them. I touched their bodies. It was arousing. To the people that want to argue that if I was aroused, then why buck it and go against it, I say this. If you are only given one food to eat, whether you like it or not, are you going to eat it or are you going to starve?

Human beings need physical contact. We need it to survive. When you cant get it from one sector, then damnit you’re going to get it from another. That was me doing what it took to satisfy that human need, but compromising my own personal desire, what I really wanted.

How did your friends and family react when you came out, and how did it make you feel?

I was 18 years old when I actually decided to go through with it. I went to my older sister Lori and I said, “Hey…..I have to talk to you about something.” I basically said, “this is what’s happening and you gotta help me.” Her response was, “alright what do you want me to do?” I told her I wasn’t strong enough to talk to mom and dad and that she had to do it. She wasn’t very happy about being the one to break it to them, but always being my hero, she still did it. She went to them…she told them…I wasn’t there…they blew up. Their immediate response was, “totally not, no way, this is not going to happen!”

Younger Sister Kerry and Sean

My sister gets away and she calls me. I was at my brother’s house babysitting my four-year-old niece waiting for her call. She told me how they reacted and of course, I started sobbing; I was losing it. What was I going to do? I can’t go home, they’re never going to allow me to come back. I’m homeless. My niece started asking me if I was ok because I had melted to the floor in extreme sorrow in a puddle of tears. There’s no going back from here, my secret is out.

I was instantly very angry with myself that I didn’t just keep my mouth shut. I just had to come out, didn’t I? Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut, follow the rules, follow the status quo? I had been doing it for eighteen years at that point. You should’ve just kept it up stupid!

After freaking out for quite a while, I finally spoke to my parents. They were pretty much like, “no, this cannot happen, and if you feel that this is the way that you need to go, then you need to leave.” My parents were getting it from all directions at this point. I’m doing this and my sister was dating a man of a different ethnic persuasion at the time, which was a scary thing for their generation to accept. My poor parents. Because of our situations, I approached my sister and said, “we have to get out here.” She said, “let’s do it!” We packed our shit and went to our brother’s house.

Siblings Kerry, Michael, Lori and Sean

Shortly after we got there my mother called me. I’ll never forget that conversation. My mother had some very harsh words for me and basically said that I was not to come home, they didn’t want to see me. After a very long pause, I said the only thing that I could think of…”whatever!” She hung up on me. At that moment, I never felt more adrift as a human being in my life before. When your parents don’t want anything to do with you…that’s kind of as bad as it gets.

It destroyed me. But what I found out later was that it only destroyed parts of me. I soon discovered that being completely ostracized like that and feeling attacked and all alone, something came alive in me. For the first time in my life, I felt the very powerful emotion called fearlessness. At this point, what’s it matter now? Everything that is important in life is now gone. What do I have to lose? You stand up, you move forward and say to yourself, ok what’s next? This is what I had to do. This is what I did.

However, unbeknownst to me, my lowest point was on its way. My younger sister, who had always been my best friend (and still is to this day), who did every single thing with me (and still does to this day), at 16 years of age naturally could not handle that kind of pressure and went back to Mom and Dad’s house. Until then, even though my parents didn’t want to see me, at least I still had my sister. I thought we can do this, we still have each other. But when she told me that she couldn’t do it and was going back, that was rock bottom for me. It felt like it was just me. It felt like I was alone in this.

Let’s talk about religion. Were you ever a religious person?

You brought up battles in a previous question. The battles that I fought back then were mainly because of religion. I was raised from birth as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses until I was ten. We then left that religion and went straight into being a strict Baptist family. Religion is undeniably the place where I truly learned the meaning of hatred. I really want to tread lightly here because I don’t want to paint a picture that all religious people are like that, but unfortunately, that’s usually the case and absolutely was the case with me. Nothing teaches you how to hate and judge better than religion.

How does it make you feel knowing that religion, the Bible, and the entity that people believe guides our universe collectively believe that your choice of life is wrong and that God will destroy you for someday for it?

I want to say at the outset that I feel strongly that human beings are collectively horrible at interpreting things, and always have been. I think the way in which the masses interpret what the bible says in regards to sexuality is complete bullshit and always has been. That someone deserves to die because of their choice of life.

I do believe in God. It’s very hard for me though, because I find myself very angry with my God. I feel like, you chose to make me this way, knowing what I was going to go through, but at the same time, my brain also says that there’s maybe a reason he did this to me because God does love everyone and he does want everyone to have a chance. What better way to help people to see the error of their beliefs and interpretations than to raise a group of champions to help them evolve and grow?

By cultivating someone by religion’s standards is all messed up but this different breed of humans can perhaps lead people to the real love of God. God loves you no matter what because he made you. We are all going to return to the source of life one day, and that source of life doesn’t care who you love or how you choose to as long as you’re not hurting people or disrupting the order of the universe.

I do not go to church anywhere. My parents belong to a church full of very friendly people. However, I can’t go there without them knowing exactly who and what I am and have them look me in the eye and say “it’s ok, we want you here.” I don’t trust them or any church.

Sisters Kerry, Lori and Sean

What I want to be made very clear is that I believe wholeheartedly in what you’re doing with this website and this cause, along with the Humanist Movement. I will stand beside you and fight with you like you’re my brother because I think religion absolutely destroys lives. But I do believe in a higher power. My hopefulness is that the work that I do with you will hopefully be seen and available to people all over the world. To show them that the way society is treating these people is wrong and here’s an example of someone who made it through the fire that you made.

Stop treating these people in the LGBTQ population with hatred and judgment; they’re just trying to live their lives. I sort of view it like the higher power is saying…I’m sending you these people to show you the way to properly view all human beings.

Sean and her brother Michael

In regards to this point of religion’s view of me, I do wish to say one more thing because I feel that this is extremely important. The way that my parents reacted was a way that was completely ingrained in them from how they were raised by their families and the way religion shaped them. In the beginning, it was awful. However, looking back after the initial shock subsided, I could not have found two people that are more loving and supportive than my parents are now.

My parents and my extended family raised us in such a way that you are loved and you will have a fire in your belly. I feel that it turned out the way it did with my family back then because of the fire in me. I basically said to them with my actions, NO! I am your child and you WILL love me! They gave that fire to me, that passion. I demanded love from them because that’s how they raised me, to demand love. They gave it to me and they will give it to me for the rest of my life. My father is the most precious man I’ve ever met. And my mother is a mercurial wild woman. I’ve never known someone that can go from 0 to 60 on an insanity scale as fast as she can. But damnit is she loyal. I’m so much like her that it’s frightening. My family is gold. I am who I am because of what they gave to me. They are my biggest champions now.

Tell me about your life now as a woman? Occupation, relationships, education, and anything else you wish to share?

Listen, there’s no sugarcoating it. It’s been a very hard life and it certainly took a toll on me. I have sleep anxiety and it’s very hard for me to get to sleep most nights. It’s to the point where anxiety wakes me up. Most days I’m afraid to get out of my bed, to go out of my house, I’m afraid to live sometimes. I have to give myself a whole cheerleader talk every morning before I put one foot on the floor. And then I get up and go outside to the beautiful life that is now being who I want to be. I feed my goats. I walk the dog. My life currently revolves around work and taking care of the farm. I work about nine or ten hours a day, I get home and take care of what needs to be done.

I love my place of employment and am accepted by my coworkers. However, there’s always this looming fear that every day is a possibility that someone new is going to find out who I am. Even though the world has changed drastically since before I transitioned, that fear is still there that I’m going to be judged today because of who I am and the life I choose. I fight every day with my own self-loathing, my own shame. When you’re raised in a religion teaches you every single day that what you are is wrong and that you’re bad and that nothing you’ll ever do is going to be good enough, there is an inevitable psychological effect to a child when they’re raised in that atmosphere. As you get older, you have to surround yourself with people that are accepting of who you are.

I think that the most important thing is that you know who you are, that you like who you are. That’s a huge factor in being physically intimate with someone. If I don’t like who I am, then I can’t be comfortable with someone else. It has taken years for me to learn to accept who I am and to love and honor myself. Now that I feel that I have achieved that love and contentment for myself, I want to be with someone. However, there can be no more hiding. That person has to know who I am and where I came from and still love me.

I don’t need a hero, and I don’t need to be saved. I get that a lot. I don’t want someone with me in spite of who I am, I want somebody to be with me because they actually love that about me. They know me, they respect it, they admire the journey to this point, and they simply love who I am. It can’t ever be a matter of, “even though you’re weird, I still wanna be with you.”

That’s exactly what I want to tell anyone that is transgender. Don’t ever fall into the trap of being thankful to someone just because they like you or because they are nice to you and give you attention. Don’t ever let anyone patronize you into feeling like you have to be thankful for their sympathy for you. You’re no different than anyone else and you deserve the same respect as everyone else on this planet. It’s simple. If you find somebody you want in your life, that is the magic.

You asked about education. I currently have a Bachelor’s Degree in Japanese Language and Culture and I lived in Japan for six years. I taught English there and was a wedding singer on the side(unfortunately not with Adam Sandler). After that, I came back here and got my Master’s Degree in teaching English as a second language. I taught at a University for five years. Once the international student population dwindled and that program sort of started to die, I jumped ship and took on a different career.

I adored learning all about a whole different culture and that experience was priceless. However, it was based on a theory that I had that had everything to do with being a transgender. I thought if I was educated enough where I can get away from this small-town life, that my problems wouldn’t come with me; that things would be better.

Ironically, that was actually one of the closest I ever came to suicide. When you do run away and you’re in a different place…everything is different, except you. That’s when I really learned the true meaning of the phrase no matter where you go, there you are. I simply didn’t understand until that point that I was never going to get away from Sean Farmer. She was always going to be there no matter what.

That was a very hard lesson to learn and I feel that anyone dealing with this should also learn that lesson. You are ok! Don’t run away because you already have value right where you are. You should go and get an education, but for the reason to make yourself more valuable as the person you are and not simply to create a way to escape. Wherever you go, there you are.

We love Sean

Now that I have gone through all of these changes in life, I want to be a counselor for transgender youth. There are so many kids that need me. The world has changed so much and there is a much larger need for this. Back when I was going through it, the professional support wasn’t even available. It seemed like every psychiatrist I visited wanted to deprogram and change me back. This has now come to be called Conversion Therapy. It was painful and it is not the answer. I think if I had somebody that had already gone through it, I would’ve been much better off. Things would’ve been much clearer.

I hope I’m able to be a counselor someday.

Why did you do it?

That’s a very easy answer. Because this is who I am. I never felt like I was anything else. Even all the years that I tried to be somebody else…that’s what made me suicidal, trying to be something else. There was no choice other than death. It was be who I am or be nothing. For me, that’s how it felt.

If somebody is asking me why I did it, I guess my answer to them is this. If you are talking to me, looking at me, or engaging with me, then you are seeing nothing but a woman. I don’t know how to be anything else.

What would you say to anyone out there that may be reading this, that is hiding they really wish to be, because of fear of judgment from family, friends or the world?

Believe that you are good. Believe that you are important. Believe that you are valuable and beautiful. You are a human being just like anyone else. You deserve every single thing that life has to offer. You deserve happiness. You deserve love and human contact, someone touching you in a loving way. These aren’t things that are reserved for somebody that was born biologically equal to what they desire to be.

Your self-talk is paramount. You’re going to hear a lot of shit from people and society is going to look at you in a way that’s not flattering, that can be downright mean. If you aren’t talking yourself up and encouraging yourself, then you’ve already lost. Find that self-love and it will help you find your path. If you love yourself then you’ll know what you need. Do nothing to please someone else, do nothing to fit in. Do only what your heart tells you to do. Listen to your own self-love.

In Conclusion:

When I was connected with Sean through a mutual friend, and this friend told me the details about her story and journey, I just felt that this was a going to be something very special, but I certainly never expected the outcome that we got from our conversation. The experience of meeting Sean and hearing her story has been unforgettable. If you are in a place of confusion in your life and feel that you may be at a crossroad of decisions that will inevitably bring drastic outcomes, then this is a person for you to look to for inspiration.

If this article somehow reaches you as a religious person, it is our hope that you made it through the entire article. Please remember what you have read here today the next time that you are faced with a situation in your life where you have a chance to either judge a person simply by their sexual orientation or accept that person for who they are…remember Sean’s story.

Anyone that could read this and still hate a homosexual or a transgender simply has a dark level of compassion. If you can read all of her story and not have it touch the deepest parts of your heart as another human being then I guess you are unable to be inspired. Talk about coming from the depths of self-questioning, self-hatred, not knowing who you are from birth; her story epitomizes all of that.

We wish to extend our deepest gratitude to you Sean for being completely transparent with us and with the world. You have chosen to completely expose your old wounds to all of us…to the world…simply because you wish to help others. What you have given is priceless. You are a force, my friend and we love who you are. No doubt there are thousands, possibly millions of people in the world that needed what you’ve given. You have a heart of gold and you possess the essence of strength.

We live in a day and age where this is becoming more and more common. I personally believe this is happening because we are evolving at a faster rate than ever before in our history. The age of information that we live in has given us the power to connect with each other like never before. Helping each other like never before. Sharing our personal experiences like never before. This is us…evolving together…from within.

If there is anyone reading this that has a child or sibling that is transitioning, or that has come out as gay, then please reread this story for emphasis if you need to. Now is the time that they need you more than ever. Don’t fail them. Be their champion. Support and love them like never before. They are not sick, they are probably not faking it for attention, and they do not need to be saved. They need you! They need family! They need love!

If you are going through a rough time please do NOT hesitate to visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline here for incredible support and an amazing group of people ready to help you. They also list their phone number here.

It’s no longer an opinion. Being gay or wanting to change who you are is not a disease and we collectively need to stop treating it as such. They do not need to be fixed. What someone feels deep in their heart does not need to be modified or converted.

The Small Town Humanist Patreon Page

Please continue to accept the people in your life for who they are without judgment. Share her story as much as you can so that we can all work together in the spreading of empathetic humanistic support for all human beings…no matter what. This is the true meaning of love. Please remember how delicate life and happiness are. You’re only privileged to be a part of the universe and history one time. Leave your best footprint possible in your time here. Love everyone!

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