This video of a pair of boobs called Trish pondering aloud whether dogs have brains has gone viral and whilst a lot of people have ridiculed her, we think she could well be on to something.

Dogs are indeed part of the animal kingdom that God created (‘I LOVE YOU JESUS!’) but does that mean they have brains? I mean, they are humans, but… no wait, are they humans? Anyway, here’s why Trish could well be right:

1. Dogs don’t talk

Everyone knows that if you have a brain, you talk. N.B. The inverse isn’t necessarily true. That is to say, if you talk, it doesn’t mean you definitely have a brain. See the video, for example.




2. Dogs don’t understand how mirrors work

Mind you, neither does Trish, apparently.

3. Dogs have fur

If they had brains, they’d know to get a wax at least once a month.

4. Dogs only walk because we tell them to

Every time a dog walks or even takes a step it’s because a human has shouted at them: ‘Take a step, dog!’ Dogs are basically voice-controlled robots. Think of them as furry Siris.

5. Dogs have bad breath

If they had brains, the brains would tell their breath to be better.

6. Trish is scared of dogs

It’s Christian intuition, because she knows they don’t have brains.

7. Dogs eat gross things

If dogs had brains, surely they’d stop scoffing all those gross pellets of dry food and get something yummy from Whole Foods.

8. Dogs bite

If dogs had brains, why would they have attacked Trish when she was younger? Definitely not because they sensed she was a spiritually bankrupt intellect vacuum with terrible hair. Definitely not.

9. Dogs sometimes hump inanimate objects

Just seems careless, really.

10. Dogs don’t read or watch TV

Which means they never pick up newspapers or tune into Newsnight and they’ve almost definitely never read any Plato. Sounds suspiciously like someone without a brain to me.

Next week: 10 pieces of evidence to support the theory that Trish doesn’t have a brain.