I t was suggested by my editor, Jan Murphy, that I write about the television series, Kenny Vs Spenny, which made me kind of famous. That’s Canadian fame, meaning complete strangers want a photo with me, but if there’s a hockey player nearby, I might get trampled if I’m in the way. Canada is cool that way.

If you don’t know Kenny Vs Spenny, this article might be too inside. I promise my next one will be inclusive and relatable to all. I’m thinking maybe something about severe cold or stifling humidity, or maybe the three days in between when the weather is actually quite nice around here.

I’ve written a fair bit about Kenny Vs Spenny over the years. Much of it has been on my social media pages, which I liken to an Internet version of death by stoning. I’ve come to believe that my social media presence is my gift to the world, because the hate I absorb is hate others won’t have to suffer. Hopefully, somewhere on the planet there’s an interesting nerd not getting picked on because his regular bully was exhausted from venting his pathetic self-loathing on me.

Since the series ended, almost five years ago, Kenny and I have taken our antics on the road, doing live shows all over the country. It turns out that the fans still want to see us bicker and humiliate each other. Nostalgia is a wonderful thing. So is being able to continue to monetize a series that might be impossible to ever live down, or up to, depending on your perspective.

Since I love writing, I keep a diary. I decided to take some enties from a day of the ongoing Kenny Vs Spenny live tour and share it here. Editing was very necessary for a number of reasons I can’t go into at this, or any time.

3:00 a.m.: Fort McMurray, Alberta — I hate afterparties. Why do I drink shots people buy me? It can’t be that I’m cheap because all the drinks are free. I hate Jager bombs!!!! I’ll be nauseous all the way to Red Deer. The problem is I’m too nice. I need to say no.

3:00 a.m. Lying in bed at hotel thinking about last night’s show. Did I really call Fort McMurray, Fort St. Mary’s? Hopefully nobody will remember. I may have been a little hard on the gal in the third row. The name-calling might have been too much. One way or another, these people are going to understand that it’s one thing when Kenny abuses me, quite another when they do. I get well compensated for Kenny’s abuse. I better get to sleep. FREE breakfast before we leave for Red Deer at 7:15. Will dream about FREE breakfast. I love FREE breakfast.

6:15 a.m.: Horrible breakfast. I think the orange juice is from concentrated concentrate. Apparently, those were scrambled eggs "¦ might have been better to snort it when it was in its original powder form. Even the toast is bad. How can toast be bad? No wonder I’m the only one here.

7:25 a.m. Waiting in car for Kenny. What else is new? He’s probably in the lobby looking for fans to perk up his insatiable ego. Or, maybe he’s trying put his incidentals on my bill. Wouldn’t be the first time. The "eggs" are repeating. Seven-hour drive. Grrrr!

12 p.m.: I was feeling better, listening to Howard Stern on the rental cal satellite radio until Kenny unleashed what he calls his "yogurty" gas. It took a good five minutes with the windows down at 120 kilometres/hour to be able to breathe normally again. Why does he find his disgusting gas so funny? Why does everyone find it so funny. I’m nauseous again.

2:30 p.m.: Checking into hotel. Once again I have to listen as Kenny trying to get bumped to a better by room by lying about unscheduled media interviews, which will somehow promote the hotel. Sadly, it works yet again. He’s unbelievable.

3:15 p.m.: Just finished local radio interview about the show later that night. Kenny launches into a thoughtful, almost believable story of how I got to Red Deer and went to the local Humane Society to get a pug, who I was apparently having intimate relations with at the hotel. The disc jockey’s are howling with laughter. It’s depressing, but I like to give the public what they want, and they seem to like me being romantically involved with pugs. At a certain point, defending myself becomes tedious, so I let Kenny do all the talking. Quite a life I’ve carved out for myself.

5:00 p.m.: Woken up from a much needed pre-show sleep by Kenny pounding on my door. He apparently just wanted to say hi. He does this to get an edge on me in the live shows. He likes it when I’m tired and less able to defend myself from his endless lies about me.

8:00 p.m.: Backstage at the theatre. Sold-out show. Kenny has his pre-show jitters, never shutting up, planning what he wants to do, which will change completely once we hit the stage. Same old, same old. Thank the lord for the Red Bull, vodka and years of desensitizing.

11:00 p.m.: The show is over. Another train wreck. The fans loved it. I’m worried about the woman in whose mouth I put Kenny’s tongue scraping. She fell over and was ejected from the theatre after pulling down a giant poster with our faces on it. Then, during the meet and greet, a fight broke out and the cops were called. Good show. I thought Fort McMurray would be crazier than Red Deer.

Anyways, the never-ending nightmare continues:

Kenny & Spenny Live!

Saskatoon: July 8

Red Deer: July 9

Vancouver/Richmond: July 10

Kelowna: July 11

Spencer "Spenny" Rice is one half of the comedic duo from Kenny vs. Spenny. Follow him on Facebook — www.facebook.com/pages/SPENCER-SPENNY-RICE/216355453412 — or on Twitter (@Spenny) and watch reruns of KVS for years to come.