ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Lisping through one of seven gaps in his front teeth, a popular and friendly visiting Englishman has enjoyed himself thus far Down Under – but he feels his skin isn’t having us much fun as he is.

Ben Granholm’s skin and liver are days away from testing Australia’s famous Medicare system as his sunburn and rampant alcohol consumption reach fever pitch.

“Man,” he whinged.

“My skin is just throbbing, I’m in utter disrepair, man. I gotta find some shade and aloe vera before I break down like Jimmy Anderson will on day five,”

“Other than that, mate, I’m having the time of my young life out here. It’s fucking madness, man. Australia’s great but not at cricket.”

That short interview was conducted earlier today prior to a Brisbane property developer, Adam d’Mato, offering Mr Granholm some sunscreen and a word of advice.

“I told him he might like to put a shirt on in the nicest possible way,” said Adam.

“Fuck me, I even offered the bloke some SPF 50+, that shit is so thick, it’d keep you safe at Chernobyl. Anyway, this Pom turns around and tells me to get fucked,”

“Yeah, that’s the one down there on the verge of unconsciousness. The poor cunt was speaking Greek before he collapsed. All his Pommy mates just laughed and propped him up in a chair. These people are savages.”

More to come.