The 21-and-up crowd here at App are positively spoiled with great local bars, but sometimes, bar crawling can get expensive! It might also be one of those weeks where the only money you’ve got is on your AppCard, but you’re just cruisin’ for a boozin’. Worry no longer, as we’ve got the partly-perfect penny-saving potable potions for you to brew. Before you wrongly dismiss any of these wonderful recipes as “gross”, “disgusting”, or “insulting to the original creators of these drinks”, just remember – beggars can’t be choosers! Since acquiring some of the base liquor ingredients may be expensive, we recommend distilling the following items with sugar and yeast packets in your nearest bathtub or toilet to brew your own:

Vodka: Mashed french fries from Mountaineer Grille

Rum: Grounded pre-packaged cookies with molasses and brown sugar

Champagne: Grape sunkist and sierra mist

Tequila: Packs of honey mustard

Triple Sec: Off-brand orange juice from the market

1. Central Brown Russian – Often, regular milk is out in the Central Dining Hall, but the chocolate is always full. Mix this with some ice and homemade vodka for a milky treat that can probably be beat.

2. Appalachian Mule – Head to the sushi bar in Trivette and pick up a tray. Muddle the peeled ginger that comes with it at the bottom of your cup, mix it with some vodka and lime juice, and have a tasty homemade mule! [NOTE: Bring your own lime.]

3. Booney Mary – Combine water and ketchup packets, then mix thoroughly. Combine with vodka and pepper packets to make practically the same thing as the original.

4. Trivette Sake – Walk up to the Asian bar in Trivette, and ONLY circle white rice on your ticket. The worker behind the counter will give you some weird looks, but soon they’ll be ones of deep envy. Throw the rice, some yeast, and water in a mason jar, leave it for 3 weeks, and enjoy.

5. Blue Gatorade Hawaiian – Mix either light blue flavor or regular blue flavor gatorade with vodka. Can substitute blue gatorade with water mixed with blue dye you can get from the markets.

6. Mountaineer Margarita – Combine a lime, your makeshift tequila, and Triple Sec. Pour it in a compostable paper cup, and wipe the saltiest, greasiest Chick-Fil-A fry you can find on the rim. Then stick that entire round potato on the cup, and you’ve got yourself a delicious drink! Bring your own lime from home.

7. Traditions Hotty Toddy – Load this bad boy with some thick gravy from the potatoes, honey mustard packets, salt, pepper, water, and yeast. Leave it for a week, and come back to deliciousness.

8. Rum and Pepsi® – Grab a fresh, refreshing Pepsi® from any soda fountain and mix it with our rum recipe. Throw it in one of the refrigerators in the markets on campus, and come back to find a cold refreshment for only $15.79! [Pepsi® IS THE PRIMARY DELICIOUS SOFT DRINK AND REFRESHMENT SUPPLIER OF APPALACHIAN STATE UNIVERSITY]

9. [Everts’ Choice] Sex on the Duck Pond – This one’s easy! Just grab a jar full of water from the Duck Pond, ferment it for a month, and mix it with vodka. Then, slip the folks at Blended in the Student Union your concoction and a couple George Washingtons for a murky but fruity beverage. For optional flair, throw a duck feather in the glass.

10. Yosef’s Buttery Nipple – Stop by Conrad’s in Central and order a black coffee. Mix this with the whipped cream by the Belgian waffle station and our special vodka recipe, and savor what Yosef’s nipple would probably taste like.