4 Reasons why the Broncos are 6-0 so far this season

Culture By Harris Alterman

If you’ve been watching the Broncos this season you know it’s a miracle they’re undefeated. Even with a quarterback who was born before the invention of football, the team keeps finding a way to stay at the top of the standings. So what’s the secret? How do the Broncos keep coming away with the win even though at times they look like a losing team? Here’s your answers.

1. Our Defense

The Broncos defense is the only part of team that’s keeping the fans from slipping into a deep depression and experimenting with prescription drugs. They’ve managed to put together a super roster of players including Von Miller, Brandon Marshall, and Aqib Talib (just to name a few). They’re second best in yards allowed per game, fourth in points allowed per game, and a top five defense in almost every category. The defense keeping points off the board for the other team is what allows Manning and the offense to shit out just enough offense to put together a win.

2. Our Team That’s On the Field When Their Offense Is On the Field

When the other team is on offense, our team on the field is playing lights out. Demarcus Ware, Shaquil Barrett, and Malik Jackson are all averaging over three sacks a game causing quarterbacks who are grown men to piss their little pants. While Manning and the offense struggle to get touchdowns, the Broncos team that’s on the field while the other team’s offense is on the field, is a team that gets stops and keeps the Broncos in the win column.

3. Our Linebackers, Cornerbacks, Safeties and Defensive Lineman

The Denver Broncos have some of the best linebackers, cornerbacks, safeties, and defensive lineman in the league. These dudes could kick the shit out the Justice League. We’re talking about players like TJ Ward, Danny Trevathan, and Chris Harris. Not to mention Von Miller, Brandon Marshall, and Aqib Talib. When you put them all together you get a unit of linebackers, cornerbacks, safeties, and defensive lineman that get stops and get wins.

4. Papa John is in the Illuminati and is Giving Our Defense Superpowers

It’s a well-known fact that Papa John is one of the senior members of the Illuminati. In addition to causing Hurricane Katrina and the financial crisis of 2008, Papa John (as a favor to Peyton Manning) has been using radioactive mind waves to make our defensive ends stronger, our linebackers faster, and giving our safeties the ability to shoot lighting out of their cleats. And we know you’re asking, “Why wouldn’t Papa John just make Peyton Manning play better?” Because it’s the Illuminati and they work in mysterious ways. But as long as Peyton keeps showing up in pizza commercials, the Broncos have nothing to worry about. Also their defense is really good.