DRIVERS were last night urged to go apeshit crazy, as everything went tits up.

With petrol stations poised on the brink of an abyss, the government was forced to issue an emergency statement stressing the need to completely freak out.

The statement continued: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

"Why are you all just standing there? Oh my God, I see what's going on here – you've all gone mad! All of you! And I'm the only sane one left! Aaaaaaaargh!"

Ministers said the panic should not be restricted to fuel supplies, urging drivers to completely lose it over anything, including terrorism, rabid animal attacks and Fern Britton's extended sabbatical from This Morning.

A spokesman for the department of transport said: "Oh, it's you, thank God for that. I thought it might have been…. no… no…. NOOOOOOO!

He added: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Schools secretary Ed Balls appealed for chaos by stealing a police horse and galloping down Whitehall, shouting: "Them's a comin', run for yer lives!"

Meanwhile chancellor Alistair Darling appeared on Channel 4 News, screaming at the top of his voice, tearing all his clothes off and using a lipstick to scrawl 'BITCH' across his naked chest.