Welcome back. Let’s summarize last week. So all the bloggers here are in a fantasy league with Rob, in which we each got to pick two people. I picked Garrett and David. Seriously, what are the odds of picking the first two eliminated players in the game? Nobody can be worse than I have been this season in forecasting what is to happen. Basically why are you here? I can’t possibly know what I’m talking about. I’m just going to be really snarky and smart-ass-e for the rest of the season. Once again I bring you a stream of my thoughts as the action unfolded tonight.

8pm

Waiting for Survivor to start. I hope you guys are also watching Justified, currently my favorite show now that Breaking Bad is done. Even Michael Rapaport is good on the show, even though none of us have completely healed from his performance as Remy in Higher Learning(offensive lingo in this clip) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbXIQBZ0eGE

Here we go, on to the show. Do we really have to go through a “Previously on Survivor” Jeff? We all saw what happened last week, with Garrett at Tribal Council.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HY-03vYYAjA

I totally forgot that Tony had found an idol; I was too immersed in watching the train wreck on the demise of Garrett. Meryl Streep held up better under pressure in Kramer vs. Kramer then Garrett did at Tribal Council:

Speaking of Kramer vs. Kramer, is it weird that I sat down and watched that whole movie from start to finish a couple of weeks ago? It’s not a feel good movie, it’s incredibly dated, but there I was, sitting through the whole thing. I also do this with that George Clooney movie The Descendants. Whenever that movie comes on, I watch it with excitement like other normal people watch Star Wars or Harry Potter, I feel like a sociopath.

Spencer is already scrambling and probably rightfully so, as Tasha is talking about an all-girls alliance…gross. Would Kass, Tasha and J’Tia be the least stable alliance in the history of the game? Is that sexist? Great I’m a sexist now and who wants to read a blog written by a sexist, who doesn’t use proper grammar? In all seriousness, Tasha has come to play this season and seems like she will be a force in this game..so take that Gloria Steinem. The only thing that bugs me about Tasha is that she says the phrase, “I came to play the game” a little too much. It always bugs me when people talk about playing a game in that douche way.

Spencer points out that he is going to have to do something crazy to survive now. Considering the girl who threw away all their rice is still in the game, what can spencer possibly do to out crazy J’Tia? He needs to really think outside the box. I think he should tattoo “Tasha Forever” on his body and start beating his chest like Marc Wahlberg in Fear and hope the rest of the brain tribe gets to freaked out to vote him out:

Tony seriously is acting like he’s losing his marbles and could possibly be scheming to commit a triple homicide out there. He’s almost like a buff Gollum, with his precious Immunity Idol. I’m definitely on board with watching him chill in his “spy shack” all season though. Tony is like that friend you had in your twenties, that when he drinks he gets that scary vacant look in his eyes, the look that says they are thinking unimaginably creepy things. The friend that gets cut off at the bar because their a little too confrontational. This is my friend Jason, but I’m sure everybody has a Jason in their lives.

Trish is not happy with the rain…try living in Portland, Oregon and then complain to me about the rain.

Intense shot of the Brawn tribe dealing with the rain at night, looking like they were all told by the producers that their never coming home.

Commercial: Every time I see the All- state commercial with Pedro Cerrano from Major League I keep waiting for him to incorporate Jobu somehow…..Still waiting… You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball

We come back from commercial and clearly the weather sucks, but that’s not getting Woo down as he looks like he got his early morning surf session in, parlayed with a Jamba Juice. Spirits are high with Woo.

Lindsay is talking about wishing she would not have come here. So far in two episodes we have seen Lindsay twice, once getting into a confrontation with Trisha for being lazy and now this. Maybe she is being drugged? Has any Caucasian girl with dreadlocks ever had a successful run on Survivor? Follow up question: Has any Caucasian girl with dreadlocks ever had a successful run in life?

Tony is planting lies in Sarah’s head. They form the Cops-r-us alliance. For some reason they continue to let Tony hold the machete. Tony and Sarah are like a poor man’s Kevin Spacy and Robin Wright in House of Cards out here. Yes, I’m going with the always tricky double pop culture comparison with Tony comparing him to Gollum and Kevin Spacey.

We next get to see the Beauty tribe for the first time, with emotional music being played in the background. Omg, give me a break this is pathetic. This looks like one of those late night commercials with Sally Struthers narrating, saying “For only 1 dollar a day, you can help feed these poor people”. There literally passing a bowl with water as each person looks like a sickly Tiny Tim drinking a drop of cabbage soup. I mean seriously, this clip looks less dramatic then what we just watched on Survivor:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsxVy7vyyk0

Queen Jefra is in tears. I can’t tell if CBS is playing this cheesy music as a joke or if they really want us to feel sorry for them. Did John Tesh compose this music?

LJ is not happy with the effort from the majority of his tribe and then he takes another cheap shot at my girl Morgan. All jokes aside, the beauty team really does seem like their time of extinction will come soon, because they all seem dumb, with the slight exception of L.J.

8:15

Jesus…L.J finds the Idol. Do the other players think L.J is just playing in the tide pool for fun? Wouldn’t Morgan think that something is going on over in the area that she knows the idol is hidden in? It’s not her fault though, she’s too busy being beautiful inside and out 😉

Commercial: Ok while I’m waiting for the commercials to end, you know what bugs me? I’ll tell you, so on Facebook it bothers me when my friends who are first time moms try to over sell how smart their kids are. How do they do this you ask? Well they make a post quoting some funny thing their kid just allegedly said, only they clearly add, adverbs or pronouns that there’s no way in hell came out of the mouth of their child, just to make their kid sound more intelligent or more witty. In some cases I’m guessing they just fabricate something altogether. I’m convinced they do this just so they can get eight replies with “Wow, watch out for that one!” or “That kid you got is a character!” An example would be one of my friends posting on Facebook that their four year old just said something like, “Mother it astonishes me how gentrification is taking over New York City”. In reality the kid probably said “Mom!! I have Juice please”, But nobody wants to call out a mom for lying so then all of us on Facebook have to play along with this charade and close friends who are also moms of this person have to make fake happy replies, because I think its law that if you’re a mom you have to positively reply to your friends posts on Facebook when their children are involved as I think it’s a class C Felony if you don’t. Look mom’s, we get it…your kid is smart, your kid is cute, but we don’t need this whole production…it’s a little much. I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore! One day soon I’m going to write 8,000 words on this topic…..Look I’m just trying to kill time..forgive this rant all you moms out there, you’re the salt of the earth!

We go back to the brain’s team with Kass and Spencer getting tree mail. Sean Penn in Dead Man Walking looked more confident in staying alive then Spencer does right now, it feels like their going to bring a priest to camp to read Spencer his last rites.

If you were on the brains team, you would be in favor of J’Tia not being allowed to have any of the rice that was left over right? I mean she should be cut off like Lindsay Lohan at the Whisky A Go-GO after her fourth Long Island ice tea.

Reward and Immunity challenge for this week is not a puzzle for the first time in Survivor history. It looks like the game is a water toss and then a gigantic version of one of those pocket games where you try and get the silver ball through an obstacle course.

Morgan sadly is in a black shirt for this competition.

J’Tia continuing to suck in challenges, as she spazzes out with each toss being worse and worse, but naturally she will probably be safe tonight at tribal if the brains tribe has to go back.

8:30

Woo and Cliff demonstrating that they go together like Paula Abdul and MC Scat Cat, cause opposites attract:

Huge upset! The brain team comes back and claims second place! “Do you believe in miracles?” The Brain team is literally crying overcome with emotion.

On their way out, Tasha makes a smart ass remark to Jeff, who gives her the, “I won’t call on you once or ask you a single question at the reunion special” look. Don’t antagonize Jeff Probst.

Commercial for the city of San Diego? We get it San Diego, your weather is always great and you have a zoo. You also have the Killer Whales from the documentary Blackfish that almost sunk SeaWorld. Seriously, I think San Diego needed to be knocked off their pedestal a little. They have perfect weather, beaches, nice golf courses and the ability to smuggle as much drugs as needed from Tijuana, they need a little kick in the ass.

The Braun team is enjoying the spoils of their victory. Tony Gollum once again gives us thirty seconds of crazy talk. I wonder if he will start talking to himself, “Trixi hobbits…trying to steal my precious”

If he starts eating raw fish, and starts to look like a C.G.I character, run for the hills.

The beauty team is reeling. LJ asks if anybody has had enough of the game and wants to be voted off. Shockingly nobody volunteers.

Brice wants to take out Alexis. Since we have not really seen much of the beauty tribe, I would guess it’s because of her strong views on the Russia/Ukraine situation.



Jeremiah is the swing vote and he does not seem happy about it. Will he align with Brice and Morgan or with L.J and Jefra? Seems like the biggest decision since Bush Vs Gore in 2000.

CSI is still on? Sam Malone is a cop now? I never got into any of the fifty two cop procedural shows of the last ten years. I don’t know one person who has ever watched Blue Bloods, with Tom Selleck, but god knows CBS tries to throw that show down our throats at every opportunity. Do you think Tom Selleck will ever throw his old partner in crime Steve Guttenberg a bone and have him on the show, as maybe his old blue blood-ish friend? Maybe he shows up on the show as his character from Three Men and Baby, with a new baby and says something like “It’s happened again!” I know I would watch that episode. Remember how Three Men and Baby had a weird drug subplot? Watch this awesomely re-cut trailer that somebody made on the movie:

8:45

Alexis thinks splitting the votes is the way to go. This seems like it’s really unnecessary. Jeramiah really does hold all the card’s here, but it seems like his cards might not be a standard deck..

We get into tribal council with Jefra describing her tribe like its Club Med until the rain started. This has not been the best episode for Jefra.

Brice throws the first salvo at Alexis. Alexis keeps calm under virtually no pressure. It seems like Alexis knows that she is not going home.

Noticing Brice is still in his Grimace from McDonalds purple skinny Jeans. Seriously, how do you play Survivor in skinny jeans? I would rather play in a Magic Mike thong.

And we get a tie with the vote. So round one Jeramiah sticks with one of his four alliances. I thought he talked about taking control of this camp but siding with LJ seems like the exact opposite of that plan.

Brice becomes the second person voted out this season. Somewhere Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar are inconsolable.

We get the going away message from Brice, as he gives a shout out to my chica Morgan and then takes some parting shots at Jeramiah and the rest of the beauty tribe. I think Brice on any other of the two tribes would have had a better chance to advance in the game.

L.J is clearly the top dog on the beauty tribe, but Jeremiah might hold all the power as the swing vote moving forward. I think the beauty tribe is going to disintegrate the fastest out of the three tribes, because they just seem weak and not that savvy.

The Braun tribe in my opinion as of now will hold the majority for this game this season. Will see what happens next week, but it seems like the majority of the Braun tribe will at least be on the jury.

The most surprising aspect of this episode was that the brains team avoided tribal council. We also had another guy voted out, which is making me believe more and more that this season is going to turn into Herland. I hate admitting when I’m wrong, but if I had to say who looks like the strongest player out there right now, I would have to say Sarah. Just like the Lord of the Rings and Gollum, Tony may play a destructive role in this season and alter the destiny of many players…until next week…Thanks for reading!