A Father’s Day resistance movement is brewing out on social media.

It’s not new, but I’ve been watching it grow on my Facebook feed, more this year than ever.

In the past few days, some men have noted that our yearly fathers fest serves only to remind them they have no children. Others, male and female, have remarked that the hoopla serves only to trigger memories of fathers they never knew, who abused or abandoned them, who have died.

“Well,” one man posted, “here comes another fathers day. I would have liked to have known him.”

A commenter on that man’s post responded: “The older I get, the more I’m convinced that these made-up holidays often do more harm than good.”

Another Facebook friend, Steve Bogira, wrote that he wished there was a Parents’ Day instead of separate days for mothers and fathers. The division, as he see it, reinforces stereotypes of men and women and their parental roles.

“Still today, in 2018, society’s view relegates us largely to aloof and distant roles, as opposed to ones that involve actual nurturing,” he wrote.

He made his post after listening to a radio show that asked listeners to call in with the best and worst jokes your dad ever told you. He continued:

“‘How did your dad used to comfort you?’ I wish a radio show would ask. And yes, I know, in most families, mothers are indeed still the primary nurturer. But Mother’s Days and Father’s Days are among the multitude of banalities that keep us stuck in stereotyped parenting.”

To which one of his friends replied: “Not to mention heteronormative. Plenty of gay families with no dad or mom.”

All of that leads to the question: Is Father’s Day outdated?

A lot of people seem to love Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day), though probably fewer than the bubbly media coverage suggests. It can feel phony, like culturally enforced reverence, or, as Bogira says, stereotyped. Like any day that sets up expectations, it’s bound to disappoint many people.

Social media exacerbates the discomfort. Out in the social ether, where lives are compressed into a photo and a paragraph, Father’s Day can seem like a contest.

Best Dad Ever. Most Handsome Dad Ever. My Father, My Hero.

All those handsome, heroic dads parading through the ether can disturb people whose fathers fell far short of the ideal, or whose fathers are gone.

I don’t mind Father’s Day but I’m sympathetic to the resistance.

That’s why last Father’s Day I wrote a salute to all the good men who don’t have children, who help to hold other people’s kids and families together.

It’s why when I’ve written about my father, I’ve talked about his flaws. He was not the best dad ever, but he taught me important things and I loved him deeply, so for a couple of years after he died, I hated Father’s Day because it made me feel excluded.

For different reasons, it makes a lot of people feel excluded.

And yet it serves a purpose.

“It gives you a chance to call your dad and let him know you’re thinking of him,” said a man I know when I floated this notion past him. “For a lot of guys of my generation there wasn’t a lot of outward affection between sons and dads. I remember calling and (if I’m not just gauzing it over with sentimentality) thinking that saying happy Father’s Day was at least a way of showing that I loved him, since I would never come right out and say that.”

Should we need an official day for that? No. But many people use it that way.

I asked a gay friend, who is raising a son with his husband, how he felt about Father’s Day.

“This mostly comes up for us on Mother's Day,” he said. “We’ve sometimes rechristened it Mothering Day, so it's more about the role/function than it is about the gender. Same could be done for Fathering Day. My lesbian sister, for example, tends to do more ‘fathering’ than her partner.”

Despite his sensitivity to gender roles, though, he likes Father’s Day more than he once did, not because he wants to be honored but because it’s a nudge to honor his father.

“I have come to appreciate my own father’s fathering more since becoming a father,” he said. “He always took a bad rap — for teasing us, laying on expectations, instilling questionable ethics, etc. But he had a knack for passing along humor and wisdom and life-hacks (as they’d be called now) and for making sure we knew he was always on our side, all of which I try to do and all of which is not as easy as I’d have thought. So I think it's more like updated than outdated, at least for me.”

I like the notion of updating Father’s Day according to your own perceptions and preferences.

If it doesn’t mean taking dad to brunch or telling him you love him, take a moment in the day to reflect on your father, whoever he was. Or on what you think parenting means. Or on the way our gender-based ideas of parenting are shifting.

Or just go out and enjoy the day your way.

mschmich@chicagotribune.com

Twitter @MarySchmich

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