Or is it?

You know, just when you think Craigslist can’t possibly get any Craigier, you come across a Craig-hole so Craigy you wonder how he even listed.

But list he did.

Let me elaborate. I’ve been apartment hunting on Craigslist — a hard process in any city, but truly something crunchy in the humble slice of toast that is the San Francisco real estate market. As I undergo that process, I am reminded of all the wonderful quirks that comprise a rental search.

This quirk wins.

A couple weeks ago I visited an apartment with an opening in the Mission. It was advertised as a huge room by roommates described as:

“…males in 20s that work in the tech and startup scene in SOMA, but we are open to anyone that might be a good fit!”

The implication here, let’s discuss. The ad-posters are essentially suggesting that they are so generous and open-minded they will consider living with a human that doesn’t match their gender, professional specialty, and office location. This one comment made me not respond to the ad on principle. Over time, however, my principles dissolved and I sent a reply.

My email was answered by one of the Tech Males and we set up a viewing time. On a rainy weeknight, I entered the abode, where I was greeted by not Tech Males, but Tech Male. I know this because of his fidgety mannerisms and singularity.

To my surprise, Tech Male was not showing a furnished apartment with a single room opening, but a brand new lease, unfurnished. I was sort of confused by this because the ad did not make it clear that this was a new lease filling up rooms. I assumed I was joining an existing lease with people already there.

I say something to this effect, and Tech Male launches into a frenzied explanation.

“So, ok , yeah— did you read the ad? — Right now I live in a 5 bedroom house in Hayes Valley, and I have a start-up, ok, and it’s really great and I really love the community and social — have you heard of Campus? Or Negev?”

My confusion amplifies, but I respond, “Yeah, I know what Campus is.”

Note: Negev and Campus are co-living spaces for adults, which is a start-uppy way of saying “dorms for grownups who aren’t ready to be grownups.” They are popular amongst Millennials who lack the ability to orient their lives without nurturing, expensive structure.

“Yeah! So, I wanted to create something like Campus, like my place in Hayes Valley — ”

This is making all kinds of not-sense, so I interrupt.

“Ok…so…your startup…is your place in Hayes Valley? Like Campus?” I’m struggling to understand why this is relevant.

“No, no,” Tech Male says. “I have a different start-up, that’s something else. But I live in Hayes Valley, in this five-bedroom house, and I’m trying to create that same sort of atmosphere here, you know, where it can be really social and really be a community. So, I found this place, and talked to the owner to take over the lease, so I won’t really be living here, I’m just renting out the rooms, but I’ll be the master tenant, and you’ll pay rent to me.”

I stare at him. He looks uncomfortable.

“So yeah, this is like…my side-hustle.”

As I’m registering this arrangement, I can’t decide if I want to politely continue viewing the apartment, or tell him what I really think. I settle for something in the middle.

“Do you have any snacks?” I ask.

“What? No, this doesn’t include meals. Do you want to see the other rooms?”

“Sure.”

We continue down the hallway and he shows me the second, third, and fourth bedrooms, and a single bathroom. It feels like he is showing me a hostel. We enter the kitchen.

“So there’s no living room?” I ask.

Bastard.

He gestures to a tiny space behind the kitchen the water heater sits.

“Well, I was thinking I could put a little table here, you know, for happy hours.”

“Are you serious?”

“I mean — ”

“You should turn it into a bedroom.”

“So actually there is this loft up here,” he continues, excited, pointing to the small ceiling nook above us. “I might use it when I stay here, or just rent it out. But for something like that I don’t think it would be fair to charge more than like, $1200 or $1300.”

His face strains as he says these numbers, visibly distressed. It seems to pain him to accept so low a figure. Poor guy.

“If I did that though, I would adjust the rents down for the other rooms,” he clarifies.

More face distress; Tech Male doesn’t like this economic reality.

“But, I still have to make a profit, you know.”

Spoken like a true master tenant. I nod sympathetically.

“Do you want to see the backyard?” he asks.

“Sweet, are you renting that out too?”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought about…”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” I finally interject. It was late and rainy and I had no more time for this bullshit.

His eyes widen a bit in surprise.

“It wasn’t clear to me from your posting that this is what the deal was. I thought it was just an existing lease with an open room. I’m not really looking for something like this.”

“Is…is it the master tenant thing?” he asks awkwardly. His words, not mine.

“Well, yeah, I mean, I don’t need to pay extra for you to set up my social life for me. Maybe if I were right out of college…” I trail off, because even fresh out of college I hope I wouldn’t be this stupid.

“Oh…ok. I mean, I thought you would be a really great fit, I mean, you are a really great fit, but ok.”

“Right. Well. Good luck.” I say.

I hope you fail.

“Hey, thanks, no worries. I’m sure we’ll see each other around!” Tech Male says.

Yes, perhaps at one of your fancy networking water-heater happy hours.

And I left, determined not to feel awkward, but feeling awkward anyway. At least it had been an authentic Craigslist experience in that sense.

To summarize: This guy took over a new lease he had no intention of living in, purely as a “side-hustle” where he could hand-select supposedly super cool tenants, potentially squeezing five people into what is clearly meant to be a 3 bedroom, overcharging each one $1850 (less for the loft, kindly) so he could “make a profit” on top of what goes to the landlord. Meanwhile the tenants themselves would have no say in the number of inhabitants, merely accepting Tech Male Side-Hustle Guy’s vision of the house and his shitty, cramped networking opportunities.

Oh, and Tech Male’s inspiration for this genius business plan, Campus?

They went out of business last summer.

Friends, if you are Craigslist hunting, please don’t fall for this bullshit.