WASHINGTON—Pouring out an overflowing sack of mail onto his desk, House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) reportedly hunkered down Wednesday for yet another long night of opening letters from constituents asking him to give large corporations more tax breaks. “I’ve received a whole stack of letters asking me to grant Fortune 500 companies hundreds of millions of dollars in tax write-offs, and another 10 or 15 more urging me to increase corporate subsidies to offset their tax burden—and I still have dozens of letters to go through,” said Boehner, glancing down at a pile of handwritten notes from a retired veteran in Fairfield, a single mom in Troy, and an entire fifth-grade class in Dayton, all pleading for the congressman to slash taxes on the oil and gas industry. “When the people of Ohio’s eighth district want their voices heard, it’s my duty to listen. And of all the issues facing our country today, the ones they care most about are fewer taxes for multinational conglomerates and drastic reductions in the ones that remain.” Boehner then reportedly hung up a touching crayon drawing he’d received from a 6-year-old in Greenville depicting a Wall Street CEO on a brand-new yacht.

Advertisement