We don't spend much time thinking about truckers, which is strange considering that everything we eat, wear, and plug into our walls was at one point entrusted to their care. Well, Cracked tracked down Donec Quis and Mallory Spline, two of these noble "freeway cowboys," to ask them what it's like to be the platelets that carry nutrients down the arteries of America. After they corrected us (apparently plasma cells carry nutrients, and "freeway cowboys" is the dumbest thing they've ever heard), we discovered that ...

5 Everyone on the Highway Is Boning

[IMG:ent 5 lipstick header.jpg]

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Our nation's highways are so full of people fillin' 'er up that it's a wonder our species hasn't died in a massive orgiastic pile of twisted metal and bared flesh.

And truck drivers can see all of it.

[IMG:ent 5 smell.jpg]

"How about closing the sunroof so we don't have to smell all of it, too?"

"Every truck that passes you has a driver perched comfortably on the summit of Mount Watch-You-Fuck," Quis told us. "So whether you're into highway head, roadway romps, slingin' salami, or the two-finger tunnel run, know that you will be seen."

[IMG:ent 5 thumb.jpg]

Truckers and comedy writers share a love of sexual euphemisms.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

"I passed a guy once who was on the receiving end of a very energetic cock gobble. For the briefest of moments our eyes met, and he smiled as if to say, 'Yup, she's blowin' me.' I've seen a woman who was so far into her own snatch that she had one leg propped against the dash ... My all-time favorite, though, belongs to the greatest old man ever. When I say old, I don't mean he's a little past his prime, either. This dude was easily on the losing side of 60, and he passed me beating his dick like it just spray painted graffiti in Singapore."

This stuff is so common, Spline says that "one of the best ways to spot a newbie truck driver is when they blow up the CB radio by calling the action like Howard Cosell*: 'He's past third and heading for home!'"

[IMG:ent 5 howard.jpg]

Fat chance. Nobody could call road sex like Cosell.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

*Dear younger readers: Howard Cosell was a baseball commentator.**

**Dear nerdier readers: Baseball was something like Quidditch, but much more homoerotic and played while secretly on drugs.