Our Real Housewives season three finale starts with a meeting between Pettifleur and her icy sister Gillian.

When last the two met, it was one of the most painful encounters in this season of the show — usually confident Pettifleur clearly nervous as her estranged sister refused to play nice for the cameras.

Last week’s Real Housewives recap: ‘She’s just drowning in s**t’

This time around, Gillian’s less frosty. And Pettifleur — rocking the first of several ‘bold’ lip colours this episode — is in a more conciliatory mood too.

“You know, I have missed you a lot. The last time, you said something that really upset and hurt me,” says Pettifleur.

That would be Gillian labelling Pettifleur ‘up herself,’ and saying all she ever wants to talk about is her designer label clothes. But Pettifleur offers an explanation:

“I’m surrounded by my boys, and they give me one second of attention when I get something new I’m excited to share. You have that with your girls, so when you come over to me, I’m waiting for the moment you get there, because I don’t have anyone to share it with.”

It’s a genuine moment of vulnerability, and the pair apologise for their behaviour last time around and agree to start afresh. It’s something of a relief to see that Pettifleur has some family support after the at-times worrying glimpses into her home life we’ve seen this season.

Pettifleur being Pettifleur though, she carries out this family bonding session while wearing a HASHTAG SWITCH THE BITCH t-shirt:

Next we’re at Lydia’s mum’s 69th birthday. It’s an intimate lunch at Lydia’s house with just a few key loved ones — and a handful of Housewives, of course.

Lydia’s mother, it soon emerges, is a fan of donkeys. Like, a BIG fan. Asked if she’s enjoying her party, she laments that “the only thing missing is a donkey.” [This will be our stock-standard response from now on when people ask if we’re enjoying ourselves, just FYI].

Well, she’s in luck. Lydia’s surprised her by hiring two donkeys for the party. Not just any donkeys: SUPER-GAY DONKEYS.

“How can you get any better than this? You cannot think of anything better,” Lydia’s mum exclaims, giddy with glee. If you cannot think of anything better than two donkeys in drag, we suggest you seek immediate psychiatric help.

As the party wears on, Lydia tells the others that she’s reached out to Chyka and they’ll meet to try and heal their rift — but that she still doesn’t understand what she’s done wrong with all this rumour business.

Gina clarifies:

“Lydia’s not malicious. Someone malicious starts a rumour, someone who’s daft spreads a rumour. She falls into the daft category.”

We’re at Jackie’s house next, and boy are we in for a treat: A Jackie Gillies psychic reading, her first since the very first episode of Real Housewives three seasons ago. This time Susie’s in the hot seat, and it is INTENSE.

Jackie clutches a few of Susie’s pieces of jewellery, and immediately feels a connection to her grandmother, Rosie. Within seconds, Susie is overwhelmed with tears.

“She says you need to sell your engagement ring to allow the new energy to come in with your love life,” Jackie says. This is markedly similar to the ‘flog your jewels’ advice she gave to Janet at her last reading — if we didn’t know better we’d say she was in cahoots with Cash Converters.

Soon Susie’s grandfather pops in from the afterworld, and “he’s smoking cigarettes! He says you can smoke in heaven!”

Then nanna’s back with some bigger news: Susie will marry again. “You will find your man in America and …. he’s Jewish.”

Susie’s very happy with her reading. It didn’t even pertain to us but we feel like we need a stiff drink and a lie down.

Jackie’s never one to pass up a stiff drink either, so she’s off to catch up with Janet over lunch in Richmond. Jackie tells Janet she’s got the all-clear to start trying for a baby, but she plans to ‘just see what happens’.

“Yes but you have to actually go off your contraception,” Janet informs her. Nothing gets past Janet.

The pair talk about their impending group dinner, which will be the final scene of the season so naturally a hotbed of D R A M A.

“This dinner is going to be the culmination of a whole lot of issues between us all; I can feel it in my gut,” Janet teases.

It seems Janet’s not planning to hold back at this dinner — she gives Jackie a little taster with these thoughts on Lydia:

“She hasn’t worked a day in her life, she does nothing all day. If you tell me one more time that Figaro got a new jumper, I’m gonna hang myself.”

It’s the launch of Gina’s fragrance next — which she’s quick to point out is the first perfume ever to be made for an Australian celebrity (Plucka Duck’s luxury fragrance Toilette Duck sadly never made it past the testing stage).

Gina Liano Fanclub President Gamble is particularly excited at the prospect of being able to sniff her idol.

“I wonder what Gina smells like? I can’t wait to smell it … spray it all over myself.” Settle down love.

Gamble’s working blue today, because she then asks Pettifleur what her perfume would smell like. Sexy, comes the reply.

“Like c*m, or…?”

Lydia arrives, and gets into a conversation with Susie, who informs her that Pettifleur is still privately smarting from their heated encounter at the end of the last episode.

“Well that’s her own insecurity, I can’t help that. She needs to take some serious vitamins and boost herself up or stay at home and knit.”

It’s an odd torrent of non-sequiturs, but Lydia finishes it with a brief glance to camera and a sip of her drink that says ‘Nailed it.’

“I can’t tolerate needy friends, and I think I’m going to be putting Pettifleur in a ‘needy’ basket. She’s needy. Needy, needy, needy.”

Gina then makes a grand entrance with a handsome young man on each arm, which has the unfortunate side effect of making her look like she needs medical assistance to remain standing.

In a prolonged speech, Gina thanks just about everyone she’s ever met, living or dead. She misses one name though: her assistant Josh, who looks on forlornly. He deserves a special thank you for the following killer quip alone. Joining the ladies after her speech, Gina remarks on Pettifleur’s bright blue lipstick: “Josh thought maybe you’d been sucking off a Smurf?”

Later on, Lydia and Chyka rendezvous before the big end-of-season slanging match to privately discuss their issues.

Chyka explains why she’s hurt: she constantly hears that Lydia’s spreading rumours about the other girls, especially her. Lydia remains unrepentant, laughing off her friend’s concerns.

She’s deflecting — and what’s more frustrating for us, the viewers, is we don’t actually BLOODY KNOW WHAT RUMOUR IT IS THEY’RE SKIRTING AROUND. Our latest guess: Chyka and Bruce are high-ranking illuminati members ala Beyonce and Jay Z.

Eventually, the pair come to some sort of agreement: They’ll have each other’s backs from now on, and confrontation-shy Chyka won’t stew for eons next time she has an issue with Lydia.

Later that evening, the ladies arrive for their final dinner / wrestling match. Chyka and Lydia arrive last, and tell the others that they’ve had a good chat and sorted out their rift.

“Did you talk about me?” comes Jackie’s response. Heeeeeeeere we go. As Lydia and Jackie start brawling for the umpteenth time, Gamble in particular looks just THRILLED to be there:

Lydia accuses Jackie of being a liar, which even the most casual viewer will know is never gonna sit well with Jackie. Sure enough:

“You wanna call me a liar? You’ll be the LAST PERSON that ever calls me a liar,” Jackie screams. Just a casual death threat over dinner, then.

Jackie’s fired up now, and in one glorious torrent she confronts Lydia with the rumours she’s apparently been spreading about everybody. For your delectation:

“You’re f**king blabbing your lips about other people. [Gina’s] partner tries cracking on to you. [Pettifleur’s] partner’s a f**king weirdo. [Gamble’s] a sex addict. [Janet] had affairs. [Chyka’s] family is a, b, c, d and e.”

Jackie. JACKIE. You fell at the final hurdle. We’re all here dying to know what Chyka’s rumour is, and you ‘yada yada yada’ over it? You are KILLING US.

Getting back on the ‘Lydia spreads gossip’ train, Jackie cites Susie as an example. Susie had, this season, told the others that Lydia spread rumours about her marriage with her first husband.

“I don’t even know your first husband,” says Lydia.

“Excuse me? You came to our wedding! Oh my god, Lydia. You went to my wedding at the Hyatt. Are you joking me?”

As the others accuse her of selective memory, Lydia offers a more inventive excuse:

“Maybe I have pre-dementia. Yeah, maybe I do.”

You may scoff, but looking back at the last three seasons, this would actually explain a LOT.

“You wanna talk s**t? Let’s talk real s**t. What about the affairs you have?” Jackie asks Lydia, which leaves everyone at the table stunned.

“I left you at the Logies. I walked out of his room and I left you there.”

WHOSE ROOM? Shane Warne? Daryl Somers? Mr Squiggle? She doesn’t elaborate, and Lydia scoffs at the allegation.

“She’s making up s**t, and she’s trying to destroy MY family? What a pig. What a pig she is!”

By now, the table is united in shouting down Lydia — they all want an apology. She interjects:

“CAN I SPOCK?”

We think she means speak.

“I’m feeling pressured to apologise. All these girls want to hear it. I’m happy to tell you the word. Does it have any meaning behind it? Nope,” says Lydia in a piece to camera.

Here is Lydia’s devoid-of-meaning ‘apology’ to the others:

“If I’ve said something, I’ve said it because I’m upset. We do say some silly things when we’re upset, we ALL have. But … I actually think I’m an OK person,” she says with a shrug and a smile.

Lydia, bless her pre-dementia-addled brain, seems genuinely surprised that her world’s crappiest non-apology hasn’t cut the mustard:

“You know what? You suck as a friend,” Pettifleur tells her.

“GO SUCK ON YOUR OWN F**KING HEAD,” is Lydia’s thundering response.

That nonsensical insult seems as good a place as any to end the season, so as the dinner table debate descends into a supercut of F-bombs, we get each housewife’s end of season title card. Lydia’s is best:

Gina is in a philosophical mood, delivering the very last word of the finale:

“You know, I reckon none of us should talk to each other at all. I think we’re all a bit f**ked up and everyone’s got something really negative to say.

“Like, everyone go f**k yourselves.”

Real Housewives of Melbourne - Season 3 Trailer The Real Housewives of Melbourne premieres Feb 2016 on Arena.

You thought it was over? You thought we were free? Think again, suckas. Real Housewives returns on Sunday May 15 for a 90-minute reunion episode, and if previous years are anything to go by, it’ll be an Alex Perry-adjudicated orgy of champagne, walkouts and c-bombs. We’ll have a full recap after the reunion airs — until then, chat all things Housewives with recapper and proud gay donkey Nick Bond on Twitter at @bondnickbond.