WASHINGTON—Officially safeguarding the area’s secluded hot tubs, three-way friendly bungalows, and unlit beaches where troublesome friends can be quietly disposed of, the Department of Interior set aside a 300-mile stretch of Florida coastline as a National Wild Things Preserve, the agency reported Friday. “With their natural habitat now federally protected, devious young party girls can roam completely free, removing their tops at will and taking part in elaborate cons to defraud wealthy widows out of their deceased husbands’ fortunes,” said Deputy Secretary David L. Bernhardt, adding that the land would be a haven for all Wild Things, whether they be preppy and popular, or poor outcasts who use the power of seduction to get ahead. “By taking these steps today, we are ensuring that future generations will be able to enjoy these beautiful creatures and their erotically tinged slap fights that quickly segue into full-on lesbian intercourse.” Bernhardt added that to bolster the Wild Things’ population, the government would be issuing seasonal permits to hunt the meddlesome police investigators who are in on the scheme.

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