“You should already know what I want—I shouldn’t have to ask.”

Today’s post is about a particular lie that many of us learned growing up.

It’s an especially common lie among women. And among many people raised in the deep south, I suppose. (All that southern hospitality stuff so many of us were raised on.)

It’s the idea that mind reading is love.

The statements I listed above shed light on a form of hospitality gone mutant: the notion of anticipating needs before they’re even named out loud.

Which is all very well and good if you’re offering a houseguest a glass of iced tea. But it doesn’t always stop there.

The talent for anticipating needs and intuiting feelings can turn very dark indeed.

What is mind reading?

So, what do I mean by mind reading exactly?

And why can it be a problem?

When I say mind-reading, I’m talking about the ability to intuit and anticipate the needs and feelings of other people.

It’s like meeting a guest at the door with that glass of iced tea (their favorite, of course) before they even have to ask.

Anticipating and meeting needs is not always a problem.

Indeed, it is a valuable skill, if you can apply it flexibly, at appropriate times, among people who deserve this kind of effort.

The dark side of mind-reading

The dark side of this kind of “mind-reading” emerges when you…

+ often or always meet situations with niceness and even over-givingness

+ offer this consideration to everyone, even among people who do not deserve it

+ overlook your own needs or feelings because you’re so busy trying to meet everyone else’s

Similarly, if you believe that anticipating needs is a way of demonstrating love, you’ll probably want the favor returned.

And, if you expect to be provided for without having to state what you need or want, you…

+will be disappointed if others are not willing or able to do this intuiting on your behalf

+lose an opportunity to advocate for yourself and practice assertive communication

+are at the mercy of other people trying to figure out what you want

Mind-reading and people-pleasing

So many of us were raised to think of the other person.

“How do you think that makes so-and-so feel?” –was a question I was asked a lot as a child.

Whoever that other person was, it didn’t much matter.

You needed to be able to walk a mile in their shoes. You needed to act with them in mind.

Again, a strong capacity for empathy and sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing. Not at all!

It’s a matter of being able to apply this talent thoughtfully and flexibly, with choice.

As you can imagine, mind-reading is a common feature of people-pleasing.

People-pleasers are often quite skilled at figuring out what it is people need and want.

It comes along with growing up in a household where you were unsure of where you stood.

Where people’s moods changed quickly and unpredictably.

Where you learned to placate and pacify other people’s hurt feelings, in order to keep the peace.

Mind-reading is an adaptation to an unpredictable environment. It’s a form of survival.

In order to salvage this skill from your childhood, you have to bring it under your voluntary and conscious control.

Mind reading is not love

Naming what you need. Letting others do the same. It’s a valuable skill.

Try something new.

Let other people tell you what they want and need. And practice tuning into your own needs and naming them.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t do nice things for others. I’m not committing a war against random acts of kindness.

The next time you feel moved to do a nice thing for another person, just ask yourself why. Notice if you’re trying to control the situation via your niceness.

Observe if, underneath it all, you’re feeling resentful. Notice if you feel happy, having done a nice thing for someone you care about.

Check in with yourself: do you feel like you have a choice in how to respond here?

These are the kinds of questions that will help you know if you’re in control of your mind reading, or if it is controlling you.

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As always, knowing which changes to make isn’t the hardest part of change. It’s actually doing it, and sustaining those changes over time, in spite of the resistance and backlash that may come.

Helping people pleasers is what I do! So, if you’re in Austin, Texas, and you’re looking for a counselor who helps with people-pleasing, drop me a line. I offer free, half hour consultations in person at the office, and I’d be glad to set one up for you.