Rhinoceros Party announces new slogan:

“Privatize ALL THE THINGS”

Some say that privatization in this province has gone too far, well, we at the Rhinoceros Party of Alberta say that it hasn’t gone too far enough! Look at how successful it has been with privatized power generation! We will privatize everything, from the sidewalks and roads to your children’s education. We will also privatize your children. Even the legislature, long a potent symbol of government, will be privatized and covered with ads.

For a picture of what a Rhinoceros Party led legislature would look like, take a look at your local hockey rink. We will also stage UFC-style cagefights within the legislature, so that hopefully Albertans will finally pay attention to what happens there. If there’s one thing that will get the attention of Albertans, it’s two men viciously beating on each other until blood is spilled. Panem et circenses, indeed!

Promises:

A toll booth at every corner, and miniature toll booths on sidewalks. We – I mean our arm’s length private contractors we are selling the sidewalks to at pennies on the dollar – will charge businessmen a nickel to walk down the street, finally providing a market-based solution.

Privatized education for children. Don’t worry, we won’t be introducing user fees. Instead, we will have subjects like “Geology brought to you by Encana” which will teach children about the lie called “Climate Change”, or “Social Studies brought to you by The Family Research Council” which will teach children about how the gays are ruining Alberta with their fabulousness.

A privatized legislature, where legislators are bought and paid for by private interests. Oh wait… we’ll have to think of a new policy here, because this seems to be already in place…

Instead of being citizens, people living in the province will be called shareholders, and given their share of the public wealth when everything is privatized. We plan on balancing the budget and turning a profit within the first week of taking office.

Privatized health care. We’re the only party which will honestly tell you while looking you in the eyes that “we want to privatize your health care, sell our health care system to HMOs from the United States, and sell your organs for cash.” The other parties just want to do this on the sly.

Remember to vote for us for change. Also for stability. We promise everything!