Hey, sir, could you unplug and move the ATM in your bodega so I can charge my laptop? OMG, thank you!

Hey, sir, could you keep an eye on my rescue Rotweiler Delilah while I go into TJ Maxx and return these unflattering jeggings? Ahhh, you’re the best!

Hi, excuse me, sir, um, can you give me three kinds of non GMO salad dressing, all on the side, labeled, and in recyclable plastic containers? Omg, love you.

Hi, um, I know that cats aren’t allowed on this city bus, but Randy has lupus, and can’t be left at home, so can I sit up front with him in the disabled section so that he can roam freely on his feline leash? Ahhh, theng you.

Hi, um, I see that you’re already made my triple skim caramel latte, but I actually have no money to pay you. Can I just, like, have it? Thank you, I’m obsessed with you.

Hey girl, can I borrow your polka dot dress, blue bikini, canvas sun hat and daisy duke boots for the month of June while I study abroad in Mexico City? Omg love u forevs.

Hey, dad, can I borrow like 4,000 dollars? Ya, today. Thank you.

Hey, babe, would you go down on me for 90 minutes while I enter my calories for the week on my phone? Thank you boo.

Hey, professor, could I have a four week extension on our global relations grad school dissertation? My rescue lizard Jennifer has pneumonia. K thanks!

Hey, uber driver, could you drop me off before the other pool passengers even though I got in last? It’s late and I’m volunteering at a soul cycle benefit at noon tomorrow. K, Awesome!

Hey, can I screencap you a full five page long text conversation with my manic depressive mother about my dad’s affair with a preganant suburban stripper? And can you please give it your undivided attention? You’re perfect.

Hey, can I experiment with a woman I met on Hinge in your bed while you visit your grandma in the hospital? Cool.

Hey, can you pay for this dinner and every dinner? Cool.

Hey, can you help me throw up that dinner you paid for? Great.

Hey, can you pay off my student loans? Sweet.

Hey, can I live here rent free? Great.

Hey, can you bury my dead dog? Nice.

Hey, can you cremate my dead cat? Thanks.

Hey, I’m depressed at work, will you help me kill my boss? Cool.

Actually, I’m depressed all the time; will you help me kill myself? Awesome.

Hey, will you kill yourself too so I don’t feel like I’m being weird? Omg thanks.