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Supply management: As the party of free markets and limited government, we will defend rickety, antiquated 1970s-style central planning that seeks to make Canadians richer by preventing the production of food, rips off the poor, infuriates our trading partners and seems to buy votes in Quebec. No one will say the name “Maxime Bernier” ever, under any circumstances.

As the party of prosperity and free markets, we will praise pipelines unless Justin Trudeau builds one

Energy policy: As the party of prosperity and free markets, we will praise pipelines unless Justin Trudeau builds one. But we will also claim to believe man-made global warming is the biggest threat humanity has ever faced so we must not burn oil, even if it arrives by train or tanker. Unless we do. Can we talk about something else?

Freedom of speech and association: As the party of principled liberty, we will defend your right to say anything that does not create a clear and present danger, and to associate or refuse to associate with anyone you like … provided nobody is offended and the CBC doesn’t criticize us.

Foreign policy: As the party of principled liberty, we will criticize foreign tyrants unless Justin Trudeau gets there first, in which case we will criticize him as a blundering amateur. Or unless they are Chinese, in which case we will ask what sort of trade and investment deals might result from sewing our lips shut that could win us votes by creating jobs, jobs, jobs.

Photo by Justin Tang/CP

National defence: As the party of strong national defence, we will reinvigorate this, purchase that and upgrade the other while resolutely refusing to divert funds to military procurement from popular social programs that seem to win us votes. Nobody will say the words “ballistic missile defence” ever, under any circumstances.