Scroll through social media, and you'll quickly be met by a barrage of posts trying to convince you of a false reality. You'll find people posting pictures of their trip to Italy from 3 years prior as if they're still there. The classic "hand on the steering wheel of mom's BMW" pic. Thirst traps by bitties assuring their followers that they are indeed, bad bitches. Neon signs in clubs with some quote about living today. Anything to convince others that they don't experience crippling anxiety when they're forced to sit with their own thoughts for more than an hour at a time. Yet, one social media platform seems to get a pass for all this fakeness — the social media for professionals: LinkedIn.





Sign in to LinkedIn, and you'll find more fake enthusiasm than a Playboy Bunny fucking a 90-year-old Hugh Hefner. Everyone is either incredibly excited to announce something, showing off the hard work of their kick-ass team, or sharing a life-changing article they just read on Entrepreneur.com.





After years of scrolling through cringeworthy fake posts, a hero has risen. This man has no superpowers or, really, any unique skills at all. He simply tells the truth. Introducing my new hero: Jason Karleiski.









College Graduation Post

"After 6.5 years and 3-degree changes, I feel the need to announce on my LinkedIn page that I'm finally graduating from Alabama State University. Holy shit, did I make an enormous mistake. Not only have I permanently fried my brain from the massive amount of drugs and drinking I've partaken in, but I'm also in $137,000 of debt — all of this for a marketing degree from the worst-ranked school in Alabama. I'm not looking forward to what the future has to hold for me in the slightest. The only company that's offered me a job is Enterprise. I'm so fucked. I'm considering accepting the job and just seeing where it goes. Stay tuned."









First Job

"I'm incredibly embarrassed to announce I've officially accepted a Sales Management Trainee position with Enterprise Rent-a-Car. Don't let the job title fool you; I'll be working at the front desk and washing cars in my spare time. To be honest, this was my worst-case scenario. After being unemployed for six months following graduation and coming to the realization that I don't have the three years of relevant work experience necessary for most entry-level jobs, I've decided to tank my expectations and bite the bullet for the next year or so. Hopefully, then, I'll be able to find a better job."









First Promotion

"Sadly, I've accepted a promotion to be the Management Assistant of the Selma, Alabama Enterprise location. I didn't receive this promotion for my extraordinary work performance. I show up late nearly every day, and still drunk from the night before on Saturday's. I merely outlasted my coworkers, who all quit. I literally got the promotion by complete default. Enterprise keeps referring to my complacency as "commitment." I thought about turning it down because I hate my fucking job, but who am I to say no to more money? I've changed my LinkedIn settings to publicly show recruiters that I'm looking for a new job. Please, God, save me from my misery."









Inspirational Article













3 Year Anny

"Wow, three full years at Enterprise! Three years ago, I was a fresh-faced graduate, ready to change the world. I was certain I'd be creating Tesla's next big ad campaign. Boy, was I wrong. I used to have hopes and dreams, but like my soul, those too have died. Had you told me I'd still be here three years from the day I started, I would have driven straight through a red light in hopes of being T-boned. At least then, I could have collected disability for the rest of my days. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I'm one day closer to death. For the sake of my health, pray I don't see another anniversary."













The Best Day Of Jason's Life

"I'm extremely proud to announce that I've finally been laid off! After diminishing sales and countless stolen vehicles, Enterprise has decided to close my branch location. For years I've sat back and watched Enterprise sodomize the joy out of my life, but my luck has changed. I don't know what I did to deserve this! It just goes to show if you keep your head down and put in the work, your prayers will be answered! I plan on collecting unemployment for the full 26 weeks before taking another position. See you then, LinkedIn!"



