If you don’t like Brie Larson, you are a troll. There is no more debate to be had.

On March 22nd, 2019, Congress passed a law making it illegal to have any negative thoughts about actress Brie Larson. Anyone who doesn’t think she is the greatest will be referred to as a troll thus meaning you are not a real person and your opinion must be silenced. Now some of you people may be reading this and assume that this is a satirical take on the current state of Larson and her relationship with multi-billion dollars corporations and various media outlets, but that would be completely untrue.

Let’s review the story of the last calendar year, shall we?

June 14, 2018

The day the Brie Larson hate mob was created following comments she made about white male critics.

“I don’t need a 40-year-old white dude to tell me what didn’t work about ‘A Wrinkle in Time,’” actress says “It wasn’t made for him. I want to know what it meant to women of color, biracial women, to teen women of color.” “Am I saying I hate white dudes? No, I am not (Larson went on to make this point THREE MORE TIMES during her tirade).

Now when the general population took offense to her statement, members of the media were quick to step in and tell you that you simply didn’t ‘understand what she was trying to say’.

The media simply made sure that you people didn’t get the wrong idea (or thought) about Brie Larson’s character and the type of person she was to blame white male critics for the failure of a movie that was universally hated…but the assault on Larson didn’t end there.

September 21, 2018

The trailer for Disney’s Captain Marvel is released to an underwhelming response but when ONE GUY on Twitter (who has since had his account terminated) decided to photoshop smiles on the face of Brie Larson to make it look like she didn’t consider suicide as a viable option…this was not acceptable, and the public defenders of the media made sure you knew it.

Trolls…Trolls…Trolls…Trolls

Brie Larson’s life was under physical assault by trolls…it doesn’t matter that it was literally ONE GUY…the media had Larson’s back and defended her honor in the face of trolls..and it didn’t end there.

February 11, 2019

Brie Larson continued her righteous fight against racist and sexist media tours being too male and too white (but remember she DOESN’T hate white dudes).

“About a year ago, I started paying attention to what my press days looked like and the critics reviewing movies, and noticed it appeared to be overwhelmingly white male,”Larson said when asked about her reasons for choosing Brown as her interviewer. “So, I spoke to Dr. Stacy Smith at the USC Annenberg Inclusion Initiative, who put together a study to confirm that. Moving forward, I decided to make sure my press days were more inclusive.”

After once again taking a stand against white dudes (remember she DOESN’T hate white dudes) trolls (people) kind of had enough of Brie Larson’s mouth and her fight against things too white and too male. Once again, the media stepped in to make sure that you understood that you simply didn’t understand what she was trying to say despite the fact that the full quote was posted everywhere.

You silly idiots, Brie Larson does not hate WHITE DUDES…why can’t you understand that when she rants against something being too white and too male for her liking? She doesn’t hate white dudes, stop criticizing her you trolls. By this point, some people acted like they would rather get jumped by two white supremacists wearing MAGA hats in Chicago than listen to another word she had to say and that is a problem…the problem is people don’t love this woman and her activism.

Trolls (not people) went to Rotten Tomatoes and started leaving fake reviews about a film they never even saw…okay so they were just saying they were not interested in watching the film but even that is evil and the media let them know very quickly that their opinion was unacceptable.

When Rotten Tomatoes discovered that trolls (and people) were besmirching the name of Brie Larson on the internet, Rotten Tomatoes stepped in and said…

And shut it down they did. Rotten Tomatoes changed their ENTIRE RATING SYSTEM to remove their ‘Not interested’ rating for EVERY FUTURE MOVIE ON THE SITE…all for Brie Larson. Then on the day of the film’s release, they proceeded to delete another 55,000 reviews from their site because not all of them recognized what an impalpable Saint Queen Larson is and a bunch on DIPSHITS ON THE INTERNET ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN THE FIRST EVER FEMALE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE MOVIE IN EXISTENCE BECAUSE YOU TROLLS WANT TO HAVE AN OPINION ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!

…

…but that wasn’t the end of it…

March 22th, 2019

To the surprise of mostly everyone, Brie Larson directed a movie called “Unicorn Store” which is set to release on the multi-billion dollar streaming giant Netflix, because Larson is awesome. But ONCE AGAIN, trolls (not human beings with opinions) on the Internet tried to derail her directorial debut of this great woman and when I say trolls, I mean LITERALLY ONE GUY…AGAIN. Some guy with a Twitter account had the audacity to question the greatness that is Brie Larson and decided to comment with the following.

MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR STREAMING GIANT NETFLIX read this comment and decided that they couldn’t let some guy with about 350 followers get away with having a lukewarm opinion about the charismatic enigma known as Brie Larson and their official Twitter smacked him down for the whole world to see.

“Brie Larson has:

58 acting credits

53 award noms

2 writing credits

2 short film directing credits

1 composing credit

1 producing credit

1 Oscar

1 feature directing credit

Been working since 1998

Worked with Apatow, Baumbach, Wright, Boden, Fleck, Abrahamson, and more.”

Brie Larson has:

58 acting credits

53 award noms

2 writing credits

2 short film directing credits

1 composing credit

1 producing credit

1 Oscar

1 feature directing credit

Been working since 1998

Worked with Apatow, Baumbach, Wright, Boden, Fleck, Abrahamson, and more. — Netflix Film (@NetflixFilm) March 22, 2019

Thunderous applause could be heard around the world as the media celebrated some guy getting BTFO so hard, he was forced to put his account on private due to the negative attention he was received from media outlets around the world.

Remember folks, it’s not targeted harassment when multi-billion dollar corporations do it because criticizing Brie Larson in any way, shape, or form is illegal and your dissidence will be shut down. This is not a free country and you don’t have the right to your opinion. You need to understand that Brie Larson has the forces of Netflix, Disney, Rotten Tomatoes, and more media outlets than your brain can comprehend on her side. The easiest thing to do is to accept Brie Larson as your Lord and Savior and make sure you give Unicorn Flush (or whatever it’s called) 5 stars when it comes out because if you don’t have a positive reaction to her film, Rotten Tomatoes will delete your review, you will be publicly shamed on the Internet, and you will be banned from ever posting again.

Brie Larson is the human embodiment of ‘Yas Queen Slay’…and you better know it!

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