I was born in 1975.

Yes, I know - I look a lot older - but that’s what sunbathing and washing your face with Cillit Bang do to a woman.

More importantly, I have never had a say in Europe. By the time I emerged blinking from the womb, screaming my first lungful of angst, Europe was all sewn up - as was my dear mother shortly after.

But today Dave the Rave is going to change all that. He’s riding into Europe with a list of demands for Britain which make me want to take a biro and shove it up my nose to end it all.

Demands: David Cameron delivering a speech on renegotiation of Britain's role in the EU

Over the last 40 years I’ve watched Britain sucked into an ever-tighter embrace with Europe, adding members with whom I have as much in common as with my mother-in-law.

We’ve picked up every waif and stray there is, from Croatia to Slovenia. And I still didn’t get a say.

Our borders are flung wide open. Romanian gypsies can saunter into Sheffield, claim child benefit from British taxpayers and send it back home for Christmas.

Our laws are not our own. Two-thirds of British law is made or influenced by the EU.

Cameron said giving prisoners the vote would make him ‘physically sick’. Yet we had to go grovelling on bended knee to the European Court of Justice to keep a ban in place. Without a nod from our European masters we’d have had to pass Dave the bucket and do as we were told.

And our small businesses are crippled by European legislation. Employees have all the rights and employers have none. I’m not allowed to ask pregnant employees when they are leaving, if they are coming back, or how long they are likely to be gone. Or to stop showing me pictures of their latest scan.

Meanwhile they can ask me for wages, breaks, a risk assessment, anti-natal classes, and the odd massage with a loofah if it takes their fancy.

Let-down: The list of Cameron's demands was as disappointing as the Big Blue Cock in Trafalgar Square

At the General Election Dave promised a renegotiation of our relationship with Europe and a referendum for us to stay or go. And for the first time in 40 years we will finally get a say on Europe.

But when he revealed the things he is going to ask for, I was reminded of the unveiling of the Big Blue Cock on the Fourth Plinth at Trafalgar Square, so desperately disappointing. Also of a sales guy I knew who headed up a team with 100 per cent repeat contracts; he would only promise to deliver the numbers he was certain he already had.

My personal favourite is this: ‘Write competitiveness into the DNA of the whole of the EU.’ So vague, we’ll never know whether we achieved it or not.

Dave, listen to me for a minute.

Your list of waffle and piffle isn’t what people want. It is what you think you can get.

These are two very different things. My six-year-old wants to be an astronaut for Christmas. He might get a Lego spaceship, if he’s lucky. Do you get my drift?

Most people want a few very simple things from our European Union:

Control of our borders: Until we can get a same-day doctor’s appointment without having to pretend to cry to a receptionist we’ve never met, Britain is full.

Proof of work: Australia has a perfect format for this. If you can work and we need your skills, you’re in. There is a camp at Calais for a reason, Dave. And it’s because our welfare system makes us look like El Dorado.

Control of our law: We need British Justice, not European Justice. Prisoners, you will not have the right to vote. This is because you are not always capable of making sensible decisions - as evidenced by the fact you are now obliged to provide oral favours to your cell mate for a cigarette.

Control of our economy: We have had enough of spending £350million a day on Eurocrats. I’d rather spend it on schools, the NHS and our military.

A British Bill of Rights: To have human rights, you have to act half-human, and frankly many of our current countrymen fall well below the bar. If you wish to remain in our great country, do not mutilate, rape or kill British people. Otherwise, you are going home. Yesterday.

So, Dave, I hope this helps.

Don’t tell us the things you know you’ve already got.

Get us back the things we gave away too easily: our borders, our economy, our law and our rights.