Uttar Pradesh is a big state and so much is at stake over who wins there. As the state goes into the third phase of polling, most reports suggest that the state can throw up any kind of result on March 11.

Now as an Adarsh Liberal, this is not an envious situation to be in. You want things to be in black and white. For example, you are intellectual and everyone else disagreeing with you is a troll. This is how simple things should be. Not this uncertainty about what happens in Uttar Pradesh and how are you supposed to feel.

However, there is a cheat-sheet that can help you with coming up with reactions once the Uttar Pradesh results are announced. Please follow this algorithm to remain a liberal intellectual:

If BJP loses badly and is pushed to hopeless third position (doesn’t matter who is first):

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Modi has lost the moral right to govern. Bihar had destroyed the Modi wave, and now Uttar Pradesh has destroyed the brand Modi. Being ruled by a government that has lost popular support is nothing but EMERGENCY. Mid-term elections must be called right away. Intolerance is rising. Zinc is blasting. Tigers are being killed. OMG I AM DEAD. *make the next peg, party time!*

If BJP is runner up, and SP-Congress wins:

This is victory of secularism. Akhilesh Yadav is Indian of the Year 2017. This is ‘coming of age’ of Rahul Gandhi. Priyanka Gandhi has nice dimples. Economic Times should win Pulitzer Prize. And obviously, Modi should resign.

If BJP is runner up, and BSP wins:

Dalit-Muslim combine will defeat Hindutva in 2019 too. We need reservations in media because media didn’t give BSP a chance. We also need reservations in private sector, cricket team, movies, and on Twitter (the caste shit should hit the fan and BJP supporters must be provoked into making anti-Dalit and anti-reservation remarks). Rahul Gandhi is a failure (unless Congress wins Punjab, in which case ‘coming of age’ of Rahul Gandhi should be tried, but only after Mayawati is sworn in and things have settled down a bit).

If there is hung assembly with all parties similarly placed:

Call up someone like Nira Radia. Start thinking of a deal for securing BSP-SP-Congress government. More than op-eds, lobbying is needed. And yes, it’s a defeat of BJP when compared to 2014 general elections, so you may write something on that.

If there is hung assembly with BJP being the single largest party:

Re-run the articles you wrote after 2014 general elections blasting the ‘First Past The Pole’ electoral system. Insist how the majority voted against BJP. Call up someone like Nira Radia as well as someone like Amar Singh. Check WhatsApp messages from Maneka Gandhi and Varun Gandhi.

If BJP alliance wins a simple majority:

Check the vote percentage. If they lost vote percentage compared to the 2014 general elections in the state, everyone write at least three articles highlighting this. Write articles on how BJP may split because there is no unanimity over who should be the Chief Minister. Also, write that BJP has become an election winning machine with no focus on governance and development.

If BJP sweeps the elections with huge majority:

*abuse BJP supporters online and call them trolls* *unfollow and unfriend Economic Times journalists* *make the next peg, you must forget this happened.*