There’s technically an all female army coming out next month, but NOT the way you think. If you like funny satire articles dig in on another Jstove classic.

Jstove here, with a special announcement.

First, everyone on the Spikey Bits Facebook hobby group needs to calm the hell down and go look at pictures of that big new space marine tank, the one that looks like a GI JOE play-set duct taped to a pair of anti-gravity dumpsters with a Sicaran turret on top.

It’s a pretty cool model, but my question is, when will Alpha Legion get a HISS tank?

Now that we’ve all looked at some completely asexual pictures of tanks, y’all need to leave each other alone and stop being jerks. The rules of the Facebook group have been updated so go read them.

More girls are coming to the hobby with GW’s newest all girl army releasing in November!

Expect a huge influx of female players to invade our mostly male hobby safe space in November, when the first ever all girl 40k army releases it’s new codex.

GW has made clear their plans for a female friendly surge, and wants more representation for the ladies in the hobby. Previously, this burden fell completely on the shoulders of the fine Canadian Ladies Men at Creature Caster, who were waving the banner of girl power with the most well-endowed boob snake demon on the table. Good work Creature Caster, you really kept the dream alive while GW was asleep at the wheel, but it’s time for Nottingham to step it up again.

Every female model GW has produced since the re-design of the Dark Eldar list has been phenomenal. I personally love them all, from the Wyches, to Celestine, to Axe Girl the Sigmarine, slayer of snail monsters. I also can’t wait to get my hands on those new Necromunda Eschers, so I can reinforce my existing classic metal Necromunda Eschers, who were also badass.

Although we’ve received a handful of girls here and there, mostly as weird gladiatrix fetish fuel, the boys in Nottingham have finally pulled out all the stops. What allowed them to make this landmark decision?

Well, I personally credit Melissa Holland, White Dwarf’s digital editor GW musta told her to just go ham on the design department, and she got her Mad Donna Ulanti on. Nice work Mel.

Now it’s time to see what the lady’s first army is all about.

Preorder on November 4th, it’s the Tyranids!

That’s right, the original all female 40k army, the Tyranids! Older than the Sororitas, all the way back to Space Hulk. You can’t handle the original bad girls of 40k.

But I know you’re saying, “What the Hell man, Tyranids aren’t chicks!”

Yes they are, you dummy. They’re space insects from beyond the Milky Way, and their social structure is a hive. Do you know what an insect hive is like, sexually? It’s all women. There’s a queen, and there’s some potentially reproductive females that can replace the queen or go off to establish their own hives, called gynes, there’s a handful of reproductive males which are noncombatants, and then there’s the vast bulk of the army- The drones are all sterile females.

According To Google:

A hive consists of many female workers (who are not fertile), far fewer males (who are fertile, but most of them never reproduce), and one queen (who reproduces constantly but mates only handful of times). A bee colony mostly consists of workers.

Every Tyranid model is female.

Even Swarmy. The new codex will be errata’d to properly list Swarmy’s gender pronoun as Swarmlady. Deal with it. Bow before your queen, peasants!

Like the Astral Milliwhatwhat, The Chaos Spicy Boys, and the Adeptus Copyrightable Names had their doctrines, legion, and chapter tactics, the Tyranids will have their own specialized rules to represent different hive fleets.

You’ll see all your classic favorites like Kraken, Behemoth, and Jormungandr, and some new ones that are obviously feminine, like Hive Fleet Gothic Lolita and Hive Fleet Suicide Girl.

All new Tyranid kits will come with a transfer sheet of Sailor Jerry tattoos to cover your models with if you go Hive Fleet Suicide Girl. Hive Fleet Gothic Lolita is a little easier to hobby, you just paint all your bugs black and put the new princess bow biomorph on them. It’s on the upgrade sprue, next to the venom sacs. Also, the venom sacs will all be resculpted to look less like man parts and more like lady parts.

Move over Slaanesh, true to John Blanche’s visionary artwork and obvious flair for fetishism, Forge World will also produce their own upgrade kits for Hive Fleet BDSM, which will have fun bits like Tyranid sized collars, zipper masks, latex dresses, and of course, 9 inch platform heels, decorated with skulls.

As a huge Tyranid fan myself, I’m personally very happy to see the ladies on the table and the new direction of GW. A bug is fine too.