50 States of McMansion Hell: Washington County, Rhode Island

Hello Friends! Today we’re visiting a big house in a very small state. It’s possible that this home takes up a significant portion of the state’s total area, a topic that has yet to be thoroughly examined by contemporary cartographers.

This 4 bedroom 2.5 bath home built in 1996 tops out at a whopping ~3,600 square feet. It can be your gray getaway for around $850,000 USD.

Lawyer Foyer

The International Generic Beach Art Competition, founded in 1986, attracts the worlds luminaries: artists, real estate agents, and coastal hotel owners. The winnings are big: successful artists often see their art reproduced in hundreds of mid-ranged hotels along the East and West Coasts and sometimes in the Midwest. This painting, “Sandy Longing,” was a gold medalist in 1994.

Great Room

An eclectic blend of furniture garnishes this stunning room, ranging stylistically between “Upscale Dentists Office” and “Shakers, but, like, rich.”

Kitchen

How many blue linoleum countertops do you think still exist in the world? 100? 1,000?

Dining Room

Realtor, struggling to come up with words to sell the Dumbest House On This Earth: STUNNING…. GRASS!! LOTS OF…CURTAINS!!

Den

“Why all the photographs? Well, WE’VE ONLY GONE TO DISNEY WORLD 43 TIMES. Should all those joyous smiles go undocumented? Nathalie, my goodness.”



Sunroom

I can’t think of a room less suited for watching TV, between the fierce glare and the boominess of all that stone and wood…

Master Bedroom

“‘Beach envy’ is a phenomenon in which upper-class families who aspired to live the coastal lifestyle, but invested in the wrong mutual funds in the mid-80s contract pathological feelings of bitterness, inadequacy, and self-loathing. Symptoms include the stockpiling of ‘beachy’ items, white noise machines, and fans, and assigning children coastal names, such as ‘Hamptons’, or ‘Rehoboth.’”

- excerpt from the Journal of Affluenza Studies Vol. 4, Issue 8.



Bedroom 2

“Mother asked Lindon Jr.’s wife whether or not she dressed up as a scullery maid for Halloween at no less than 28 consecutive Thanksgivings.”



Bedroom 3

“Strawberry Hopscotch” was a signature 1994 pattern featured in several magazines, including Sophisticated Child, and Elite Textiles.



Alas, our tour has about come to a close. Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part:

Rear Exterior

(extremely literary pun voice); “Wide Sargrasso Sea”

I hope you enjoyed our Rhode Island tour! Stay tuned for next week’s South Carolina McMansion, plus Looking Around: On Infrastructure.

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs are used in this post under fair use for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2018 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)