LABOUR were once a machine, now they’re a broken bit of stick and some frayed string wrapped around a yo-yo that’s lost its yo. Does anyone know what Labour are for? Other than acting as a work-placement scheme for the terminally careerist of course, although it’s not even functioning as that any more as Labour’s careerists’ careers have yoed their last.

Rumour has it that Jim Murphy is currently plotting how to shoo out some Labour list MSPs so he can attempt a reboot of some of the usual suspects booted during the Westminster election. We can at least be certain that it’s the usual cobblers.

Following the resignation of Ed Miliband, and the eventual acknowledgement of Jim Murphy that he could resign now that Alistair Carmichael has trumped him in the out-of-touch and mendaciousness stakes, the party are too consumed with their own internal politicking to concern themselves with the ordinary punters. Which, to be honest, isn’t really any different from what they’ve been doing for the past few decades. So at the moment, policy-wise Labour are a blank canvass, a look which goes well with their blank minds as they try to work out just what went so catastrophically wrong.

Although Labour are flailing around wildly as they try to decide whether the key to becoming electable in England is to tack a little to the right, a lot to the right, or to go full raving tabloid, they have managed to reveal their new Scottish policy, designed to make them re-electable north of the Border.

The policy was revealed by Ian Murray, the Shadow Scotland Secretary and the MP for Red Morningside, and consists of screaming SNPBAD!! with two exclamation marks instead of the previous one. It’s that extra exclamation mark which is going to make all the difference to Labour’s electoral prospects. And when the party is feeling the pressure, they have a supersecret policy weapon – SNPBAD!!! with three exclamation marks. Scottish leadership candidate Kezia Dugdale is confident that it’s going to make that crucial difference and doesn’t make the party look like a crazy person pushing a shopping trolley and yelling abuse at imaginary demons. Oh no, not at all.

HOWEVER just in case the new policy is not a raging success, Kezia has a back up plan and has legally changed her name to Kezia!! in the hope that she’ll be mistaken for a musical. Although there already is a musical about the Labour party in Scotland. It’s called Les Miserables – which is a pity as Jim Murphy had been rehearsing for the role of the Lying King. If he had been allowed to wear the lion mask and sing Howkin Ma Tattie during the election debate, he may actually have persuaded some voters that his working-class credentials were genuine and electoral history could have been completely different.

But now it’s all on the shoulders of Dippity Dugdale as front-runner in the leadership contest to save the party. The entirely unmemorable Ken McWossisname has no chance as if no one can remember his name his chances of coming up with a catchy tune or catchy policies are pretty much zero.

If all else fails, Kezia!! can host a reality contest on BBC Scotland seeking someone to play the lead role in the musical tragedy of Labour’s life, sending the survivors of the first round off to a boot camp run by Jackie Baillie. Some of the more despondent amongst the shattered remnants of the party believe it is entirely possible that this is the change to the leadership selection process that Jim Murphy is going to suggest in his review. Although it’s going to take quite a spectacular sob story involving a dying granny with dysentery who fell off a cliff in a wheelchair and crushed a limping puppy before anyone can look more greetin-faced than Kezia!! does at First Minister’s Questions every week.

THE new exclamation mark was unveiled the day before a devastating opinion poll showing that Labour are set to lose all their constituency seats and be left with a rump of just 25 list seats at the next Scottish elections. Fully 60 per cent of Scottish voters have not been persuaded by the old SNPBAD! message, so that extra exclamation mark in the entirely new and totally different SNPBAD!! policy is going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting.

The other policy that Labour hope will save them has been described as an extension of devolution – described as such by the same kind of demented zoomers who informed us that the infamous vow was superdooperdevomaxiest federalism. Which is pretty much most of the mainstream media in Scotland.

Don’t get the wrong idea though: heaven forfend that Labour might consider taking powers away from Westminster and transferring them to Holyrood, which is the definition of extending devolution as understood by people who speak human. Oh no, this special Labour extension of devolution actually means stripping the Scottish Parliament of powers, and in this case passing those powers on to local authorities – which entirely coincidentally is the only sector of government where Labour still retain a bit of a power base. So it’s not about what Scotland wants or needs boys and girls, it’s about what’s good for the Labour party.

You’d think that by now Labour would have worked out that adopting policies good for the Labour party but not good for the voters is counterproductive, and not good for the Labour party after all. But they just can’t help themselves, locked in a cycle of self-destructive behaviour.

Meanwhile this week in the Commons Labour either abstain, or vote with the Tories to deny votes to 16 and 17-year-olds in the EU referendum. Labour haven’t worked out that we don’t need another off-key right-wing neo-conservative British nationalist party. We’ve already got the Tories for that – and they don’t exactly sing to the Scottish electorate. It’s no wonder no one knows what the Labour party is for: Labour doesn’t know itself.