Name: Guinness.

Age: 256.

Taste: Disgusting.

No, come on. Guinness is delicious. You’re wrong. Guinness was delicious. It was thick and meaty and rich, and drinking it made you feel powerful.

But not any more? No. Now Guinness is watery and insipid, and drinking it makes you feel like a pretty little French girl.

You’re going to need to explain. Guinness has announced that, for the first time in its history, it’s going to stop using isinglass in its brewing process.

And isinglass is? Dried fish swim bladders. Isinglass was vital for Guinness, because it acted as a filter that clarified the beer, and also because it helped to reinforce the notion that alcoholics have absolute dominion over the animals.

Why are they getting rid of it? Because Guinness is a spineless traitor, kowtowing to the liberal agenda of the vegan mafia.

Wait, your biggest issue is that Guinness won’t be cruel enough any more? Exactly. You don’t drink Guinness to look cool. You drink it to feel like a man, specifically an Irish man from 256 years ago doomed to die in his 30s because life wasn’t very good back then.

But isn’t this a good thing? What, because of progress? Because Guinness has made the sensible step of expanding its potential market base? No.

Why not? Because what if it tastes different? What if it doesn’t taste of liquorice and rancid Bovril any more? I wouldn’t have spent several horrible years as a teenager struggling to force down pint after pint in a doomed effort to develop my palate enough to drink Guinness without flinching if I knew this was going to happen.

Look, calm down. It’s probably still going to be horrible, with or without fish guts. You’re just saying that.

If worst comes to worst, there are still plenty of vegan-unfriendly products you can try. Oh, really? Such as what?

Most sweets are still made with gelatine, for example. You’re right! And the colouring E120 is made from crushed beetle shells, and that’s in everything. Hooray for cruelty! Dominion! Dominion!

Do say: “Finally, beer equality for vegans.”

Don’t say: “Fine, I’ll just drink my fish swim bladders straight from the fish now.”