WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are citing the U.S. Constitution's Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves clause, which decrees that children who suffer from debilitating illnesses prior to acquiring health insurance "should just go straight to hell." "It explicitly states in Article 4, Section 9 that 'children with extant disorders unable to pay exorbitant premium fees can just fucking die for all we care, especially the ones with leukemia.'" attorney Paul D. Clement told the nine jurists during his opening statement. "Thus the current law is on its face unconstitutional. The Founding Fathers clearly wanted to force doctors to turn away youth with acute asthma so the nation's children would turn blue in the face, go into cardiac arrest, and die in their own homes." Legal experts noted that if this argument fails, plaintiffs would undoubtedly cite the 24th Amendment's If-You-Don't-Have-Health-Insurance-Already-You-Must-Be-A-Poor-Fuck-Who-Doesn't-Deserve-It-Anyway provision.

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