The International Union of Climate Fascists, as it prepares to establish a totalitarian world "governing body" over us at the Paris climate yadayadathon this December, with the active support of governments worldwide slavering at the prospect of bringing the democracy they hate to an end, faces a tiresome problem that just won't go away.

Totalitarians can push man around and, oh boy, do they long to. But they can't push nature around.

The climate scare parroted by bed-wetting eco-freako useful idiots worldwide began when the pseudo-scientific profiteers of doom on U.N.'s fraudulent and corrupt climate panel, the IPCC (known universally in diplomatic circles as IPeCaC after the well-known emetic) predicted with "substantial confidence" 25 years ago that its useless but gratifyingly expensive climate models had captured the essential features of the climate.

Therefore, it predicted, by now the world would have warmed at – er – exactly double the rate that the thermometers and satellites have measured since. Oops! More grants needed. In fact, according to the RSS satellite dataset, you have to go back more than 18 years and four months before any global warming is detectable at all. Here are the actual data.

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Now, my monthly graphs showing the inexorable lengthening of the "pause" in global warming that the moronic models failed to predict are causing panic in the ranks of the ungodly.

In their desperation to bring every government in the world to heel before December, they are not only redoubling their demands – now appearing almost daily – for skeptical climate researchers like me to be tried, imprisoned and executed for "high crimes against humanity and nature," or "branded on the forehead with cattle-irons," as one climate-fascist journalist in Australia put it not so long ago.

They are also reduced to talking complete gibberish. But the worshipers at the temple of Thermageddon in the Marxstream media don't realize that publishing that gibberish is scarcely going to help what they are prone to call "The Cause."

For instance, last week the climate-fascist rag, the Melbourne Aaargh, reliably and relentlessly totalitarian in its down-with-democracy editorial policy, carried the following letter, remarkably half-baked even by its own low standards:

"The slowing of atmospheric temperature rise over the past 15 years or so, used by climate change sceptics to debunk the work of the IPCC, is … evidence that the solar energy delivered to the Earth is being absorbed by the oceans. "The Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets are acting as giant dampers to contain temperature rise in the oceans. When both of these ice sheets melt away in the next decade or so, the rise in both ocean and atmospheric temperatures will accelerate rapidly and demonstrate that the passing of … tipping points … has, indeed, occurred. "There can hardly be clearer evidence that the future of our planet is squarely in the hands of our politicians. … I think it will need concerted action by statespeople of both genders and probably all political persuasions to haul us out of the dangerous intellectual lethargy into which we have been led."

The Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets will melt away in the next decade or so? What are they on? I want some. And, therefore, the oceans are gobbling up the sun's energy? Oh, come off it.True, the oceans are warming (as best we can measure them, with just one thermometer reading per 200,000 cubic kilometres of sea) – but at a rate equivalent to 0.2 degrees Celsius per century.

Now, did that hysterical, lackwit prediction that the ice-sheets will vanish in the next decade or so come from some balding, pointy-headed, tatty-bejeaned weirdie-beardie with an egg-stained beard and fogged-up Joe 90 pebble-lens spectacles?

No, it came from one of Australia's foremost chemists, one Maurice "call me Maurie" Trewhella, a wealthy man with a string of patents to his name. Or, at least, it came from him if it was not an April fool's prank by one of his students that got printed a week late.

The fact is, though, that the editor printed this drivel. Is everyone in Melbourne on something interesting? Perhaps it's in the water supply. I think we should be told.

Let us suppose, ad argumentum, that Call-Me-Maurie actually wrote the letter. In Australia, every candidate for any sort of degree in chemistry must ace a course in advanced thermodynamics – the study of what happens to heat and how long things take to melt and stuff.

In short, Maurie – if it was he who wrote the letter – must have known that what he was writing could not by any stretch of the most febrile imagination come true while the concentration of CO2 in the air remains so small that, to the nearest tenth of one percent, there isn't any.

Some 4,000 years ago, the temperature on the summit of the Greenland plateau was 2.5 Celsius degrees warmer than the present. Yet the ice did not melt. And it didn't melt in the last interglacial period, 110,000 years ago, when again the temperature was 2.5 C degrees warmer than today's.

The last time the Greenland ice sheet melted was 850,000 years ago. In modern conditions, nothing short of a massive natural cataclysm could make the Earth's ice-caps melt. Even with nuclear weapons Man can't do it. And our barely registering change in CO2 concentration certainly can't do it. Still less can we affect the Antarctic ice sheet, which, the last time I checked, was 8,852 feet deep at the South Pole. That's at least a mile and a half.

Let Maurie look up the thermal inertia of ice, and concentrate in particular on the minimum sustained ambient temperature necessary to begin the phase-transition (Hint: that's the scientific name for your infantile "tipping-point," Maurie) from solid ice to liquid water.

Frankly, the worst that might happen is that for a few weeks in the occasional late summer the Arctic ice-cap might melt, though it would come back quite rapidly in the winter. In 2007, Al Gore told the Bali climate junket that the Arctic summer sea ice would be all gone by 2013. Like all of Gore's profitably doom-laden predictions, that one was false.

Just a few months back, the combined extent of sea ice at both Poles reached a record high for the 35-year satellite era. The Melbourne Aaarghfailed to report that fact. But Maurie ought to have checked. That's what scientists do. But then, the "University" of Victoria has something of a reputation as a cross between a jumped-up polytechnic and a lunatic asylum.

So to the bet I propose. Subject to contract, I'm offering to pay Maurie $100,000 if the mean area of the combined Greenland and Antarctic ice sheets averaged over the year 2024 shall be less than 90 percent of the mean area of the two ice sheets averaged over the year 2014, provided that Maurie agrees to pay me $100,000 if the mean area of ice on the two land masses in 2024 shall be 90 percent or more of the mean area in 2014.

That's the bet, and it's a very fair and generous bet, Maurie. After all, you say all the ice on the two ice sheets will be gone within a decade or so. I'm offering you the chance to claim a fat $100,000 if more than one-tenth of your predicted ice loss happens by 10 years from now.

But wait. There's more! Again subject to contract, I'm willing to offer four more climate bed-wetters the same deal. Perhaps the editor of the Melbourne Aaarghwould like to take me on. Or some of the various climate-fascist billionaires. Steyer? Gates? Branson? Anyone?

To deter time-wasters: If you want to take up the bet, you must produce a solicitor's letter to show you have the means to pay out on it when you lose; then, upon signing the legal contract for the bet, you must pay (and so must I) $10,000 up front to the Sovereign Military and Hospitaller Order of the Knights of St. John of Jerusalem, of Rhodes and of Malta in Rome for its charitable work in 140 countries worldwide. The Order keeps the 10% from each of us in any event.

Any takers? No, I thought not. Cowards, the lot of you. All talk and no action. You all know as well as I do that you don't believe even one-tenth of the lurid predictions you make or publish.

As just about every opinion poll now shows, the rest of the world doesn't believe you, either. You can repeal freedom and democracy – and, at Paris, you will – but you cannot repeal the truth. Gaia won't let you.

Media wishing to interview Christopher Monckton, please contact [email protected].

