Since I joined this thread I have had something on my mind. I have a little theory about INTJs and love which is related to the concept of limerence. I mentioned in another thread that love, with all of its subjective ambiguity, is the objective thinker’s kryptonite.

Limerence was coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov and refers to a particular cognitive state which is interpreted as a kind of “love”. My theory is that because of cognitive process of INTJs, limerence is a very common experience among this personality type. In addition, I think INTJs tend to prefer a semi-limerent state when it comes to love, which is characterized by loving a person at a distance and being more comfortable with fixating on the “idea” of being intimate/loving them than committing to this fully in reality. This is not to say that INTJs are not capable of the other kinds of love and affection which psychologists term as affinity, affectionate love, and platonic love.

I first heard the term “limerence” while reading on the INTJforum [different web site], as it was a very, very popular topic of conversation. Limerence is defined as “an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person…to describe the ultimate, near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also referred to as infatuation. The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.”

Beyond this basic description, limerence is specifically characterized by intrusive thinking [obsessing], hope for reciprocation but uncertainty of this, fear of rejection, game-playing and sexuality [i.e. you must be sexually attracted to the limerent object, or the limerent object [desired person] is a potential partner].

Limerence, according to Tennov has a cycle, a “composite reaction” which takes place over time and the details of which are interesting, but I won’t delve too much into here. The most important fact is that limerence can go on for a long time, years in fact, until something changes the dynamic in the thought process of the person in the limerent state.

Another important factor in limerence and I think a key one for INTJs is bonding. According to Tennov there are three basic types of bonding:

affectional bond – in which neither partner in an affectionate sexual relationship is limerent, nor is there intrusive thinking or other aspect of limerence by either partner. These relationships are ostensibly healthy and content.

limerent-nonlimerent bonding - these bonds are characterized by unequal reciprocation [and make up the bulk of relationships].

Limerent-limerent bonding – where both partners experience aspects of intrusive thinking, anxiety, elation and other aspects of limerence. Tennov believed this to be an "unstable state" that mutually limerent bonds would be expected to be short-lived.