dogmonologue:

sftn:

in “love”, men are very good at imitating the shape of a container but never its content, n this is at the crux of men’s near-literal emptiness bc men think that the container is the content – stringing the right words together in the right order; performing the right gestures in the right contexts, n so on – n they can get really, really good at this! they can sound beautiful, enlightened, loving but let me put it this way: U can train a dog to say “I love U” n it will be cute! every time he makes some yelping noise resembling it, U give him a treat – n maybe after a long while it’ll really sound like he is saying “I love U”, n U might even convince yrself that he knows what it means when he says it … or, at least, that he means it [that he loves U] n just doesn’t know he means it when he says it – but the fact is that he wants the fucking treat! n for all he knows that’s really the only pt of “saying” it – say the right thing the right way, get the treat – saying “I love U” has transactional value – I give U what U want, U give me what I want… n he doesn’t even have the beginning of an idea of what “I love U” means, or that it “means” anything at all! so men view the value of these words, gestures, gifts, time spent n so on as currency to use in a transaction called love – n thru trial n error they learn from U which of these coin pieces are most valuable, n this is how they convince U that they love U n not just what they can get from U (which they conflate for themselves! they think they’re the same thing, n genuinely cannot tell the difference) but men, hollowed out by masculinity, have relied on women (mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, lovers) to fill them up – they never learned what we had to learn as subjects of femininity: that the question of love is not “what can U do for me?” but ultimately, n endlessly “what can I do for U?” n that those gestures men bend n warp n hollow out to make into coins are actually meant to be expressions of that selflessness – are offerings n when men are confronted w the truth abt love, abt its roots in sacrifice, in altruism, in martyrdom … that is, in femininity – they deny it, destroy it, or run as fast as they possibly can

fuck this is very real. as a man I have no idea what love rly is. I am so confused whether or not I actually care about the people I say I love or if I just feel that I need to control those around me so I’m not alone. I definitely know the right words to say but I cannot tell if I really feel anything. People like preface talking about masculinity with the word “toxic” but I am not convinced that there is a masculinity that is not toxic. I think masculinity is inherently a negative thing based on control, entitlement, possessiveness, jealousy, anger and a deep pit of misery that men have but some choose to ignore. These are just my thoughts tbh. I have been trying to figure out what the fuck my existence is now that I am have fully committed to not be a “man” like my father was and like so many fathers are.

I think the biggest lie that is committed by masculinity is the notion that men are strong, men only feel strong because of the way they are propped up in society to be the “in charge” but in reality men don’t know shit and it’s this idea that we do know everything that causes growth to never begin or to stagnate. As a man I have been conditioned to use women as tools to prop myself up, make myself feel like the most important person, to feel loved to feel not alone to feel like I matter. but in the end I’m not forming bonds I’m forming relationships of convenience, you have what I want so I will do what it takes to get what i want no matter what I have to say. I do have strong feelings for people but I never know if it’s “love” what is love? I feel like women can understand this way more than I can. the women in my life are incredible human beings capable of such selflessness and genuine concern, they know so much fucking more than me which is why it’s confusing to me that they believe anything i say.

I’m still trying my best figure out all this shit but it’s so hard and it makes me miserable. I feel like things would have been easier if I was to just stay ignorant and not care about these issues but once you step out of the cave there is no going back. I would never say that anything of what I’m feeling is comparable to what women go through in terms of how society treats them. What I am saying is that it’s incredibly awful and confusing to confront the thoughts and feelings that I have that have been baked into my mind by society. It’s draining to always have to question my thoughts but I’m going to keep doing it because I hope that one day there will be a time when I am stable and I can accept women as the three dimensional human beings that they really are, i’m close but i need to admit to myself that I still have a long way to go. One other parts of masculinity that fucks me up is the entitlement that I feel, when I don’t get what I want it feels like a personal attack and I guess that goes to show how fragile the male ego really is.

Attempting to escape the prison that is masculinity has been one of the scariest and most confusing experiences of my life but it needs to be done if we are all to heal from the traumas of history. Every man needs to take a really long look at themselves and accept their responsibility in destroying the violence around us and the violence within us.