Dear Mr President,

I wish to formally apply to be your new Chief of Staff.

You might not immediately recognize what qualities I have for such a massive job in your administration, especially following a hugely respected war hero like General John Kelly.

But the key thing is to have someone at your side that understands you, has known you a long time, likes you and commands your respect.

Dear Mr President, I wish to formally apply to be your new Chief of Staff. The key thing is to have someone at your side that understands you, has known you a long time, likes you and commands your respect - and you know I'm vicious, tough and brilliant - as you yourself said

When you made me your first Celebrity Apprentice a decade ago, you told me in the live NBC finale: ‘Piers, you’re a vicious guy. I’ve seen it. You’re tough. You’re smart. You’re probably brilliant, I’m not sure. You’re certainly not diplomatic. But you did an amazing job and you beat the hell out of everybody - you’re my Celebrity Apprentice.’

Let’s be honest, what more could you possibly want from your Chief of Staff? You could have been talking about yourself!

Let’s also be honest about something else: nobody else is exactly storming the ramparts of the White House demanding you hire them for the toughest job in world politics.

Yesterday, it was reported that your first choice, the vice president’s CoS Nick Ayers, turned down the job despite it being an obvious step up.

It will be hard to follow a respected war hero like General John Kelly, and your first choice, the vice president’s Chife of Staff Nick Ayers, turned down the job

Why is it considered such a poisoned chalice? Because everyone knows there can only be one chief in the White House, and his name is Donald J. Trump. You’re your own Chief of Staff, and always have been.

Even General Kelly, one of the most decorated and experienced military leaders in America, couldn’t control you.

However, that’s no longer a sensible way to run things.

You’re two years into your first term as President and if you want to reach four years, let alone get re-elected in 2020, then it’s time to recalibrate your system and style.

And it’s time to get a Chief of Staff who can help you do that.

Here are ten reasons you should hire me:

1) You need someone who will look you in the eye and tell you when you’re being an idiot. Seriously. Because sometimes you do dumb things like separating children from their parents at borders, or blaming forestry managers as people are dying in wildfires, and you need someone with the balls to tell you that. I’d have the balls, because I know it’s a myth you can’t handle the truth. I’ve written numerous columns attacking you and I’m still one of only 35 human beings you follow me on Twitter! I just always criticise you with respect, not abuse.

2) You need a CoS that will surround the Oval Office with loyal people who like and respect you, not the type of ghastly, untrustworthy reptiles like Omarosa Manigault Newman who you invited into your home with the same kind of inexplicable, self-destructive recklessness a mother hen displays when she invites a fox into the coop to babysit the chicks. You’ve had way too many treacherous weasels lurking in corridors of your White House. You don’t want sycophants but you do want straight-talking loyalists. Go watch The West Wing, and imagine me as your Leo McGarry, albeit younger and without quite such a bad drink problem.

3) You shouldn’t send a single tweet without discussing it first with your Chief of Staff. I know, I know, you love Twitter and the unrestricted freedom to spew whatever’s going through your head at any given time. It’s made you the most transparent president in history - we literally know exactly what you’re thinking in real time. But too often you become your own worst enemy by seeming to not even take a beat before pressing SEND, and posting something inaccurate, needlessly inflammatory or pointlessly petty. Trust me, I know about this syndrome - I suffer from it myself. But I also love Twitter, love the way you use it, and can be the perfect protective security shield for you. Bounce your tweets off me first, and I’ll tell you which ones are likely to end up being a net negative or a net positive. And which ones I thoroughly approve of for the appropriate mischief they will cause.

4) I’d focus on getting your actual achievements more coverage. You have a good story to tell when it comes to stuff like the economy, jobs, peace talks with North Korea, trade with China (you’re winning that war..), and NATO (rightly) paying more of its bills. But it’s all getting lost in the wall of negative noise engulfing your presidency. You were great at ramming home simple messages during your election campaign. Yet now the narrative is one of perpetual White House chaos. Stop fuelling it, and keep things simple again. Keep telling people what is working. Remember, over 90% of incumbent presidents who run again on a strong economy, win. It’s ALWAYS the economy, stoopid.

You need someone who will staff the Oval Office with loyal workers, not reptiles like Omarosa Manigault. And I get on with Ivanka and Jared, and would encourage you to listen to them as much as possible. I see them as a great asset and two very smart young people

5) You need a CoS who gets on with Ivanka and Jared, and encourages you to listen to them as much as possible. I do, because I see them as a great asset to you, not a hindrance. They’re two very smart young people with independent minds who you know you can trust and who aren’t afraid to give you their honest opinions even if they know you don’t want to hear them. These are the best kind of advisors.

6) You need to stop your silly war with CNN. I know some of my former colleagues have become annoyingly (and in my view, unfairly) partisan against you, and that bashing them goes down well with your base. But it’s such a waste of time and energy, and constantly calling them ‘enemy of the people’ is downright dangerous. CNN has received bombs and death threats. This feud is not a joke now, it’s deadly serious. I know how the media works better than anyone you’ve had around you. Trust me when I tell you this is a war you no longer need to wage.

7) As Obama’s former CoS, Rahm Emmanuel, said this week, you need a ‘true wartime consigliere’ like Robert Duvall’s character Tom Hagen in The Godfather. Things are about to get ferociously nasty as Robert Mueller prepares his report into all things Russia. You don’t want a CoS who’s not up for a scrap. As I think my Twitter feed suggests, I love a scrap.

Use Melania more. She’s become a very popular electoral asset, who has barely put a foot wrong since becoming First Lady - and I get along very well with her

8) Use Melania more. She’s become a very popular electoral asset, who has barely put a foot wrong since becoming First Lady, despite all the awful lurid scandals and gossip she’s had to endure. As you know, I get on very well with Melania, and think she’s a tough, fearless, highly impressive lady. You need a CoS who knows this and persuades you to deploy her more. I’m that guy.

9) You can actually save money for the country by hiring me. I don’t need the salary and in fact, I’d literally pay to work for you. What could be a better ride than being CoS at this perilous stage of the Trump presidency?

10) You need someone whose reputation won’t be remotely tarnished by working with you and who won’t mind in the slightest if you suddenly fire him. I’ve been fired from big jobs before and always found it both character-building and financially lucrative. So don’t worry about finally doing what you never did in 2008 and telling me: ‘Piers, you’re fired.’ Been there, read the book, seen the play, survived and thrived.

I’m available for interview with immediate effect.

Kind regards

Yours sincerely,

Piers