Parkland, FL—

The Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School survivors have announced a national voting drive to sign up young voters for the 2018 midterm elections.

Unsurprisingly, this angered radical rightwing radio host and noted conspiracist Alex Jones, who has spent much of his time on air accusing the Parkland students of being “crisis-actors.”

“This is all a false flag operation perpetrated by Hillary Rodham Clinton and her army of gay frogs,” Jones said on his radio show today. “I understand how it goes—I did theatre in high school. These alleged kids aren’t fooling me with their memorized monologues and rehearsed public relations stunts. They aren’t even kids. David Hogg is very obviously a 45-year-old man. He’s been doing this since the Oklahoma City bombing. And this Emma Gonzalez, isn’t she a real Oscar-deserving actress? But she’s not even human. You can tell in photographs that she’s a wizard lizards Killary Clinton called forth from Jupiter. This Emma Gonzalez, if you ever pay attention, has eyes that are bright red and reflective even in the middle of the day, and she carries around with her a giant wooden staff of magical lizard gemstones that Hillary Rodham Clinton forged for her in Benghazi. All these Parkland lizard people are middle-aged Hollywood elites who want to sign up young people to vote against Trump. That’s all it is, folks. And every day more and more gay frogs are turning homosexual, beckoned by Barack Hussein Obama’s Kenyan, anti-colonial telekinetic powers. But it won’t work on me, ladies and gentlemen, oh no! Obama may be able to control the weather and create hurricanes to advance the liberal hoax of global warming, but his telekinetic powers are no match for my extremely high IQ. They can’t get to me! They will never get to me! They can’t! But it makes me furious that they’d try. Every day I’m battling them. Walking here in the morning I had to fight off twenty of Hillary’s goons and hide their bodies in the bushes before I could get to my radio studio where I could tell every one of you listening right now the absolute truth. On the way home every night Emma Gonzalez races after me in a car chase and I have to get out and lose her by parkouring across the roofs of the city to evade her lizard spells. I’m never gonna let them get me and turn my brain into communist ooze. I’m gonna stand up to these alleged kids who want an Obama-Hillary-Satan triumvirate. I won’t allow it! Never! David Hogg may be older than I am, but I’m not afraid of him. I’m ripped thanks to my new InfoWars whey protein survivalist powder that tastes absolutely terrible but packs in 70 grams of protein when mixed with two cups of milk . It’s how I gained three pounds of muscle last year, and I’m going to keep taking it daily to grow strong enough to take on these high school kids. My survivalist powder comes conveniently in eighty-pound kegs so even if nuclear fallout engulfs the planet you can stay underground for up to six months surviving off my survivalist powder. Get your eighty-pound keg for only $400, which can be paid for in four monthly $100 increments. Remember: Hillary is coming for your guns, your Bibles, your children’s blood, your money, your vote, your pets’ blood, your soul, and finally your blood. Prepare yourself for your inevitable combat against Hillary’s talons with Alex Jones’ Survivalist Powder.”

(Picture courtesy of Barry Stock.)

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