Full disclosure, I’m selling this car because I hate it.

I’ve got no street cred in this car. I pull up to my homies to play B-ball in Otara, wearing double denim and blasting Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - just like the 1992 Guide to Being Gangsta told me to. But they all laugh and shoot me with their little yellow Killer Beez water pistols.

It is an ex-rental, so it’s been ridden by hundreds of people. It’s like the Tiger Woods of cars. There’s no saying what kind of immoral and unchristian activities occurred in this car. Probably the kind that would make Family First’s Bob McCroskie so upset, he’d need to cheer himself up by beating the neighbourhood children. But being an ex-rental, you can rest assured that it’s been well-serviced and driven erratically on the wrong side of the road.

To the best of my knowledge no virginities have been lost in this vehicle. However, if you do find one on the floor, please let me know. I suspect that one of my many vehicular Tinder liaisons wasn’t honest about his level of experience, so I’d like to have some evidence to pin on him.

There’s some damage on the driver’s door because some hero tried to relieve me of my misery by stealing it. But then he didn’t. What a dirty tease.

My ideal outcome, my fantasy if you will, is that someone buys it to drive in a demo derby. If so, I just have one request: let me help you repaint it. I want to desecrate this shame-wagon before I send it to its violent end.

Serious buyers only. I already hate people on the best of days. I don’t want to deal with more weird internet strangers than necessary. And if you send me unsolicited dick pics, I will forward them to your wife/kids/employer/imam. Solicited dick pics are fine though.