A few things have become very clear about Donald Trump’s White House. One, for an administration that claims to hate the press, they all sure do talk to them a whole bunch. And two, Donald Trump is an idiot who allows countless aides and staffers to manipulate his already-bad instincts to serve their own often-evil ends. So we figured we should start keeping track of all of them for one simple goal: to figure out who is actually in charge, since it seems to change every week. Without further ado, we present the latest edition of GQ’s Shadow President Rankings.

No. 1

Steve Bannon

Last week: 1

Our reigning champ cajoled his shouty marionette into signing an executive order that gives Bannon the power to do away with any agency or program that he doesn’t care for, all in the name of “efficiency.” While Donald Trump is out here grinning his way through a dumb St. Patrick’s Day lunch, Steve Bannon is burrowed away somewhere molding the apparatus of the United States government to his cryptofacist vision for the future. As shadow president accomplishments go, it’s really hard to top that. [Somewhere, a furious Dick Cheney frowns even more deeply usual, pissed he never thought of that.]

No. 2

Vladimir Putin

Last week: 2

It might appear that Putin’s kept things a bit more low-key than usual this week, but also, that’s exactly what he wants you to think. Doesn’t it seem like even Putin is like “God, be cool, Donnie. Don’t be so obvious,” at this at point? In seriousness, it’s starting to seem like these two, in some order, will be trading the top spots for the next four years... Or at least until the forthcoming nuclear winter finally brings an end to life as we know it, and more importantly, these Shadow President Power Rankings. (Plus, Steve Bannon could probably survive that, too.)

No. 3

Steve King

Last week: NR

The Iowa congressman spent the weekend spewing xenophobic bile, and later, um, clarified his comments by literally predicting a fucking race war. At first, this seemed startlingly out of place, like a Man in the High Castle viral marketing stunt gone wrong, but then you remembered that Steve King has always been like this, and that his brand of cheerful ethnonationalism is now basically official White House policy. One day, we will bounce our grandchildren on our knees and tell them what it was like when being an unapologetic racist was BAD in politics, and they’ll laugh politely and then go outside and talk in hushed tones about how grandpa is getting senile faster than they thought.

No. 4

Whoever He Randomly Ran Into on His Way to the Bathroom

Last week: NR

Donald Trump has this tendency to agree with whatever the last person who spoke to him said. This is because he is an easily impressionable dummy who wants to seem like he knows what he’s talking about, and an easy way to do that is to confidently pick between ideas your aides are presenting. It’s kind of like this scene:

As a result, aides have basically been playing musical chairs with the President’s time. Whichever of them was in his ear last as of the moment you read this (except Spicer, because come on, nobody listens to him) is probably pretty high up on this list.

No. 5

Sean Hannity

Last week: LOL but also 😞

In any other universe, seeing an adult martial arts enthusiast yelling on TV about the need to purge the government of “deep state saboteurs” would be grounds for you to call 911 and report a Money Monster-style hostage situation in progress. This is Donald Trump’s America, though, and it sure looks like Sean Hannity’s nightly monologue on cable news triggered Trump’s sudden termination of 46 U.S. attorneys the next day.

Anyway, the eagle-eyed, fashion-conscious chuckleheads at Fox News run our country. And if you don’t like it, they might just try to shoot you.

No. 6

Seb Gorka

Last week: NR

Let’s play a little game. I’m going to ask you a question, and you have to answer with the first thing that comes to your mind. What would you say if someone approaches you and asks if you belong to a Nazi-allied group? If your response isn’t immediately some variation of “No!” then you’re probably a Nazi. Also, you might be Seb Gorka, one of Trump’s top national security advisors, because that’s exactly what happened with him this week. The man is a huge voice in U.S. foreign policy, and answered “no comment” to a question about a report that he is a “lifelong member” of Vitézi Rend, a Nazi-supporting group. Great to know.

No. 7

Breitbart News

Last week: NR

It sure looks like the caps lock aficionados at Breitbart are turning on their former boss (that’s Steve Bannon) and the President (just kidding, that’s also Steve Bannon). Just think, in less than a years these guys went from running headlines like this to playing a legitimate role in maybe torpedoing Paul Ryan’s cuckservative healthcare reform bill. Inspiring stuff.

No. 8

Darren,* the Late-Night Chef at the White House

Last week: NR

Darren’s been working at the White House for years, and has always gotten rave reviews. But Trump? Trump’s picky. He likes his meat to be so well done that it’s hard enough for you to skip it across the reflecting pool. He also can’t quite master the Trump Tower taco bowl. But Donnie does call about “room service” (he can’t stop calling it “room service”) late at night, which means often Darren is the last person to have talked to Trump before bed, making him the 8th most powerful man in the country.