“Back when Steve Jobs was running the company, he’d be innovating from the second he got up until the moment he went to sleep,” said an unnamed Apple employee we totally spoke to. “We’d literally be selling new devices and product lines all the time, if you ignore the actual years-long gaps between new product lines, and so this gap between the Apple Watch and whatever’s next really shows how Apple’s vision and ability to change the world has just been totally eroded under Tim Cook’s watch.”

As the pressure grows, analysts have noted that Apple is still yet to unveil an Apple smart television, Apple smartglasses, an Apple driverless car, and an Apple scary-as-hell four-legged sci-fi-nightmare robot, which, despite already existing elsewhere in the world of technology, would somehow confirm Tim Cook as a visionary leader. Especially if all of them were announced by next weekend. Please. The online publishing industry needs the hits from Apple news articles.

Simultaneously, analysts are also anxious that the Apple Watch doesn’t actually represent any real innovation from Apple, because smartwatches already existed elsewhere in the world of technology, unlike computers, music players, smartphones and tablets before, respectively, the arrival of the iMac, iPod, iPhone and iPad.

As it stands, it’s going to be a tough time for Apple over the coming months, which will have to eke out survival from quarterly profits barely approaching US$8 billion, and with products that only manage to achieve satisfaction ratings in the region of 98 per cent.

“If only Apple would follow in the footsteps of Samsung, releasing at least three new devices before breakfast, and adding features no-one really asked for, just to check more boxes no-one really cares about, then it would show that it’s a true innovator again,” argued an entirely interchangeable analyst looking for some kind of validation by having their hollow words echo round the internet like so much generic prattle.

Instead, there are now calls for John Rubinstein to take the reigns at Apple, despite being a TV and Broadway actor, because someone mis-spelled the name of ex-Apple and ex-Palm, Inc. executive chairman Jon Rubinstein on an online petition that’s gone viral on Twitter, and none of the tech blogs noticed the mistake. Analysts have already leapt on this to say they believe the character of Linwood Murrow that Rubinstein played in popular cult TV show Angel should be the template for a whole new era of amazing and magical Apple products.