If Bibi is Zionist, I am anti-Zionist.

If Naftali Bennett is Zionist, I’m a pious anti-Zionist.

If Avigdor Lieberman is Zionist, I’m a worried anti-Zionist.

If Miri Regev is Zionist, I’m a nauseated anti-Zionist.

If Faina Kirshenbaum is Zionist, I’m an impoverished anti-Zionist.

If Eli Yishai is Zionist, I’m a trembling anti-Zionist.

If Yariv Levin, Zeev Elkin, Danny Danon and Tzipi Hotovely are Zionists, I’m an amused anti-Zionist.

If Ofir Akunis is Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who’s rolling on the floor with laughter.

If Yuval Steinitz is Zionist, I’m an agnostic anti-Zionist.

If Yair Lapid says he’s Zionist, I’m not sure he understands the meaning of the word.

If Gilad Erdan is Zionist, I’m a bored anti-Zionist.

If (Shabbetai) Zvi Yehuda Kook is Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who’s extremely allergic to false messiahs and false prophets.

If Orit Strock is Zionist, I’m a frightened anti-Zionist.

If Yinon Magal is Zionist, I am first and foremost a journalist, and only afterward an anti-Zionist.

If persecuting minorities is Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who knows where he comes from.

If apartheid and racism are Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who knows where all this leads.

If stealing lands is Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who hasn’t forgotten his origins.

If oppressing, abusing, suppressing and riding roughshod over both the stranger and your own people is Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who has thoroughly studied the annals of his people.

If killing thousands of innocents is Zionist, I’m an anti-Zionist who doesn’t know where to hide his shame.

And if all of the above are what constitute Zionism, I’m a proud and shamefaced anti-Zionist.

A minor computation

And on a completely different issue: With my own ears, I heard Benjamin Netanyahu describe himself as representing “the entire Jewish people.” It seems his right to this title was calculated by the same accountant who determined that Netanyahu and his wife owe the state only 4,000 shekels (about $1,000) for their bottle deposits.

Here is a slightly more accurate accounting: Bibi is of course entitled to claim that he represents all the errant souls who voted for him in the 2013 election. No less, but also no more. They number 885,163 people.

Worldwide, there are some 14 million Jews. A quick computation will therefore show that Netanyahu brilliantly represents a solid 6.35 percent of “the entire Jewish people.”

Does all this teach us that Bibi is just a braggart with a big mouth? Heaven forbid! It merely teaches us that the other 93.65 percent of “the entire Jewish people” – those who didn’t vote for him – are just radical anti-Zionist leftists who have forgotten what it is to be Jews. And therefore, they aren’t worthy of being counted, or of getting prizes.