There is no way to tell somebody they’re too fat and should lose weight without being fatphobic.

Let me repeat that:

There is NO WAY to tell somebody they’re too fat and should lose weight without being fatphobic.

None. Zip. Nada. Doesn’t exist.

Stop asking us for them.

You’re really worried about the health of a relative? Not your business, and there’s still no way to do it without being fatphobic.

You’re really worried about the health of a relative who is still a minor but old enough to pick what they eat (say, 15-17)? Not your business, and there’s still no way to do it without being fatphobic.

You’re really worried about the health of your own minor child, whose diet you primarily determine? THEN it is your business, but before you put your kid on a diet, go look into the effects of calorie restriction on kids. Read up on HAES. Do some research. Consider that that definitions of child obesity are basically made up (they’re based on the height/weight charts of thirty years ago, and just label every kid in the top 80% percentile as “obese”) and based on no research at all. Consider that kids often put on a bunch of weight just before they hit a growth spurt. Consider that kids’ bodies are constantly changing, that growth itself is a huge demand on the body, and maybe there’s a good reason for their bodies to hang onto fat.

Still worried, because your kid is just too fat to move (I keep hearing this, and seriously, I know some really fat people, and I have yet to see their fat make them unable to walk; hey, maybe there’s another problem here that’s causing this person not to want to move)? Hey, have you maybe had your kid checked out for other medical problems that might be causing the weight gain? A lot of doctors, including pediatricians, have a tendency to dismiss all problems suffered by a fat person as a result of the fat, and dismiss the fat itself as being caused by overeating, when there are actually a whole range of problems from glandular issues to food intolerances and more, that can cause BOTH fat AND a range of other symptoms. Maybe look into that, before you go assuming that your kid’s body shape is something they’re doing to themselves – or to you – because wouldn’t you feel bad if you put your kid through years of shame and pain and misery and calorie restriction that could, hey, actually cause damage to a developing brain, and only then, after you’d made your kid hate you, you finally found out that your kid had a bad thyroid and just needed meds? Or even that your kid just drew all the fat genes in the draw, and is just fine, thanks, only fat, and has been made to feel awful about themselves for most of their lives?

But as far as anybody who is old enough to determine what they’re going to eat for themselves, everybody else back the fuck off.

I promise you, that person you are oh so worried about, who you just want to protect from themselves, you just want them to know that they really can lose weight if they try, you just want to make sure they know that they’re not healthy… FUCK YOU. They are absolutely 100% aware that everybody else in the entire fucking world thinks that they are FAT and that hey will DIE IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES IF THEY DO NOT INSTANTLY START SHEDDING THOSE POUNDS, I MEAN RIGHT NOW. Fucking well trust me, they know. Telling them – being, not the first, but the tenth or the fiftieth or the hundreth person to tell them – what they already know IS NOT SHOWING THEM THAT YOU CARE. It is continuing to shovel shit and shame on top of them. It is being yet another person to tell them that THEY ARE WRONG AND BAD AND YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO HELP THEM BY TELLING THEM SO, so how dare they get upset at you?! And this, by the way, is demonstrated to have negative effects on health. You are actually making them LESS healthy by badgering them.

If you want to show them you care, then be the one person around them who doesn’t do that. Just shut up about it. Be the person who they can come talk to about anything and everything and not get fat-shamed. Be a safe harbor. Be a place of peace. THAT will show them how much you care. THAT will help their health.

But seriously, every single fat person knows that they are fat. They know that everybody else thinks that fat is unhealthy – and indeed very likely do not know that there are actually doctors and researchers and things who don’t think fat is automatically unhealthy – and they know that everybody thinks that they can lose weight by doing XYZ things. They usually know that XYZ things don’t actually work when they do them, whether or not they are willing to admit it. THEY KNOW.

And they know that you’re being a fucking asshole by bringing it up, no matter how caring and concerned an asshole.

And their weight and health are not your fucking business unless they make it your business.

And there is no way to tell somebody they’re too fat and need to lose weight without being fatphobic.

So stop asking.

-MG