Image by Joseph Wingenfeld via flickr

*hat-tip to (Dante) Amodeo for inspiring the post*

It has begun. It starts with a brief ripple across the internet; stray tweets bemoaning the reality of our collective situation as distractions begin to wane, the appearance of reader mailbags. And finally, the true harbinger of the summer doldrums descends upon an unsuspecting populace: the arbitrary rankings. Perfectly engineered by the boys in the lab, these pieces are designed to do nothing but whip people into a frothy rage of hurt feelings, garner clicks, and incite counter-pieces to begin the cycle anew. However, there has been a distinct trend in the rankings of the Big 12 cities that we’ve seen in recent days.

They’re boring.

So, your beloved and very attractive staff here at Staking The Plains decided to give the definitive rankings of the Big 12 hometowns in the categories that truly matter.

Surviving the apocalypse (zombie division)

Lubbock Morgantown (I know they can make jerky out of anything, but it sits between two interstates. Easy access) Manhattan Ames Stillwater Waco Norman Lawrence Fort Worth Austin

Rom-Com settings

Austin Fort Worth Manhattan (classic setting switch-a-roo) Ames Morgantown Norman Lubbock Lawrence Stillwater Waco

Alphabetically

Ames Austin Fort Worth Lawrence Lubbock Manhattan Morgantown Norman Stillwater Waco

Names for Hobos

Stillwater Ames Waco Lubbock Manhattan (he came from money) Norman Morgantown (hobo despot that took the name of the settlement he took over instead of giving it his name) Lawrence Austin Fort Worth

As Names for Special Plates at a Diner/Mexican Restaurant

Waco Lubbock Manhattan Austin Lawrence (it would be called “Larry” in diner shorthand) Ames Fort Worth Norman Morgantown Stillwater

Likely Subjects for Van Gogh Landscape Painting

Ames Manhattan Stillwater Lawrence Austin Waco Lubbock Fort Worth Norman Morgantown

Best Beach

1 (tie). Manhattan

1 (tie). Waco

1 (tie). Austin

1 (tie). Ames

1 (tie). Morgantown

1 (tie). Lawrence

1 (tie). Stillwater

1 (tie). Lubbock

1 (tie). Fort Worth

10. Norman