— Asked by Anonymous

This doubt is an experience common to way more aces than you might think. I had that “rewriting history” feeling as well, but I think that happens because we aren’t too familiar with sexual attraction on the whole (as a community) so when we enter a space that discusses something that it doesn’t experience often, a lot of doubt arises when we try to define it for ourselves as individuals and figure out if we have felt it after all. And then we go back and think of all the people we ever had crushes on and whatnot and try to sort through fuzzy memories of how we felt about them.

When I discovered gray asexuality, I thought, Wow! This sounds just like me! But then I wasn’t sure if I was asexual enough because I wasn’t sure how my experience of sexual attraction compared to other people. What if I had experienced sexual attraction one too many times? How do you tell if you are gray asexual or not ace at all? What helped me was reading lots and lots of stories of other aces and finding the ones that resonated with me. There are a lot which won’t, but there will be some that do. I also asked my friends how often they experienced sexual attraction, what it felt like for them, etc. for comparison.

I think if you are wondering if you are ace or not in the first place, there is a good chance that you are, because people don’t normally question whether/how they feel sexual attraction or even try to define it. Non-aces may be unsure of who they are sexually attracted to, but in my experience, they are pretty sure that they do feel sexual attraction.

There is such diversity in our community that it can be hard to fit in since it isn’t as consistent as “we are all gay and like men instead of women” or something, but the good thing about that is that there is a place for everyone! We don’t turn people away for not being asexual enough, because we welcome anyone who finds ace labels useful. If it’s helped you understand yourself and feel more confident about your identity, don’t worry.