I don’t like breakfast. I don’t eat anything in the morning. Or talk to anyone. Or do anything. I wake up every single morning praying for death, nauseated, and wishing violent painful deaths on everyone around me.

Until I’ve had coffee. Then I’m happy and no longer a malicious monster ready to kill.

I’m also ready to poop! 🙂



Ah coffee! I don’t know what it is about that magical juice of the bean. But in addition to controlling my violent impulses it keeps my plumbing clean, clear, and disturbingly regular. Oh deer sweet zombie Jesus I’m so regular.

Thanks to coffee I am living proof that the idea that “Matter cannot be created or destroyed” is a lie.Because I’m pretty sure coffee makes more matter come out of me than goes in.

Take that, Science!

Well and now that you know that about me, you cannot unknow it. It is very likely we will see each other at a convention some day.

Our eyes will meet, and a silent understanding will pass between us. Both of us will look away in shared feelings of shame and mild disgust. Then I will attempt to sell you a plushie. You will turn me down… Politely of course, and we will never speak of that moment again. But we will know. Oh yes, we will know.

The cycle will repeat with the next con goer.