Westeners Who Turned Towards Jihad

How we took out the new terrorist Brat Pack

The sheer horror of the attack on a popular Florida club have many shaking their heads and wondering how widespread the threat really is. The truth is there is a small and active group constantly trying to convince Westerners to join Jihad and kill their countrymen and women. This is how they started. And how they ended.

Adam Gadahan

Country of Origin: United States

Affiliation: Al Qaeda

Aliases: Azzam the American

Claim to Infamy: Adam followed a path to radicalization that ended in Afghanistan, where he served a heaping dish of propaganda aimed at convincing Americans to radicalize, join Al Qaeda and kill their neighbors. Although Adam initially hid his identity, over the years he became more emboldened and appeared on video where he used his cultural insight to target disaffected Americans.

How did he die: During an American counterterrorism operation Adam and two other American jihadists were killed. Given the ridiculous precision of our special operations teams this is essentially code for “we had a Reaper drone drop a (Hellfire/Paveway/JDAM) on a terrorist safe house and he was shredded/carbonized.

Fun fact: Adam was raised on a goat farm in rural California <insert inappropriate joke about Afghan jihadists and goats here>

Neil Prakash

Country of Origin: Australia

Affiliation: Isis

Aliases: Abu Khalad Al Cambodi

Claim to Infamy: Neil was your average Australian teenager. He dabbled in Buddhism, he traveled, and hung out with his family. A few years later he was still very typical for a young Australian — he loved beer (if by loving beer you mean killing innocents for jihad), girls (and by girls we mean Yazidi women forced into sexual slavery) and having a good time (which consisted of trying to convince other Australians to turn on their countryman).

How did he die: Prakash died in a US Airstrike (no word on whether it was a drone or good old fashioned attack aircraft) that reduced him and every other member of his terrorist cell into an combination of scorched meat and ultra fine spray.

Fun Fact: Prakash chose his new name to reflect his mixed ethnic heritage (his mother was Cambodian). Isis was a little disappointed he didn’t choose “Abu Krocodile Al Dundee”

Ommar Hammami

Country of Origin: United States of America

Affiliation: Al-Shabaab

Aliases: Abu Mansoor Al-Amriki

Claim to Infamy: Like many Americans Hammami wanted to experience the pageantry, beauty, and exotic nuances of a foreign culture, but it looks like he may have been working off of a 1970s Travel guide. How else can you explain the decision to travel to Somalia with a wife and child? Shortly after arriving Hammami ditched his family and became the chief propagandist for Al-Shabaab. After doing his level best to become the face of modern jihad by whoring himself to any media outlet with a camera and a satellite connection, Al-Shabaab rebuked him online for his “narcissistic pursuit of fame.”

How did he die: Al-Shabaab’s version of a corrective memo is a little different then you might find in the western world. It involves a lot less paperwork /visits to human resources and a lot more shooting in the head. Realizing this Hammami ran away with a small group of followers. They were eventually tracked down by Al-Shabaab, which set up an ambush on September 12, 2013. Hammami and company were riddled by small arms fire and their bodies unceremoniously dumped.

Fun Fact: Ommar desperately craved media attention. Given the choice of fighting or live tweeting his death he chose the latter.

Abdelhamid Abaaoud

Country of Origin: Belgium

Affiliation: Isis

Aliases: Abu Omar Soussi, Abu Omar al-Baljīkī

Claim to Infamy: This Belgian college dropout and petty criminal was so intent on fighting Jihad he took his 13 year old brother to Syria in what was assuredly the worst summer vacation ever. After returning to Belgium Abaaoud planned the foiled attack on a French train and the horrific Paris attacks.

How did he die: After the Paris attacks Abaaoud became Europe’s Public Enemy number one. Belgian police raided an apartment building at 4:20 am on 18 November, 2015 after discovering Abaaoud was present. By time the firefight was over- five terrorists had been arrested and three had been killed. And for those of you that think that overly-aggressive police responses are limited to the U.S. it should be pointed out that there were so many bullet holes in the bodies that they had to use fingerprints and skin samples to identify them. When all was said and done Abaaoud was confirmed to be one of the fatalities.

Fun Fact: Abaaouds extended family in Morrocco stated that “We wish he had burnt to death” and that his village ‘rejoiced’ at hearing of his death. I guess he wasn’t the most popular at family reunions.

Worst. Ninja. Costume. Ever.

Mohammed Emwazi

Country of Origin: United Kingdom

Aliases: Abu Muharib al-Muhajir, Jihadi John

Claim to Infamy: Jihadi John is best known for showing his military prowess by slitting the throats of journalists and aid workers whose hands were bound behind their backs. He also made a point of waving around a bowie knife on camera — introducing the West to the Isis equivalent of a compensation truck.

How he died: A joint US/British operation was able to track Jihadi John’s movements — no easy task after a near miss had him hopping across safe houses in Isis controlled areas more often then a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. When the Reaper Drone was able to pinpoint JJ’s location in Raqqa a 110 lb AGM-114 Hellfire II air-to-ground missile was launched and travelled at 995 mph (Mach 1.3) to their rendezvous. JJ was struck as he entered his vehicle — ensuring this cold blooded executioner would have a closed casket funeral.

Fun fact: JJ was an aspiring rapper before he joined Isis. However his flow was so bad that he might have killed just as many people though music as he did with this rusty buck knife.

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