Authors Note: First off this story is NOT meant to be taken seriously (for the most part). It is basically a parody based on the jokes I've shared with my friends about the series and my own random thoughts. I just started writing and it just sort of appeared. If you're waiting for the next chapter of "And So Hikigaya Hachiman Saves The Day." it IS coming. I'm still writing it but its been a bit of a grind for me and I needed to write something else to clear my head, thus this was born, and I'm putting it up here just to share a few laughs. Thats about it, remember don't take it seriously. Its also rated M for some profanity, adult situations, and over all stupidity. So you've been warned.

So like one day in the club room my boy Hikigaya was making out with both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. And by making out I mean all three were making out with each other. You know there be at least a little yuri going on there. So anyway It was like really hot, like tongues and saliva was flying everywhere and stuff. Until finally Hikigaya stopped because he knows they have to breath at some point.

"Can we take a break?" he asked while trying to catch his breath.

"Hikki! You promised we could go for two hours today!" Yuigahama whined and bounced up and down and I know I don't have to tell you what else on her was bouncing.

"Indeed, I feel cheated." Yukinoshita added and wiped the saliva away from her mouth with her sleeve and yes it looked just as hot as you imagined.

"Hey, I need a break sometimes you know and-" He was cut off when the door to the clubroom was shattered like a bomb went off.

"Hi-ki-ga-ya!" Hiratsuka-sensei screamed and stomped her way into the room as a scary then hell German chorus sung in the background.

"Y-yeah?" Eight-man asked.

"What are you doing here with these little bitches?! You promised you'd marry me!" the teacher screamed.

"Hey now, I can still marry you, but I can't just throw my hoes to the side like that..."

"H-Hoes?" Yuigahama asked cus you know she don't understand stuff.

"I see, a polygamists relationship then? That way Hiratsuka-sensei can finally get married and Yuigahama-san and myself can still be with you and solve our crippling emotional issues. Its perfectly logical. In that case my designation shall be 'Hoe Number One' and Yuigahama-san can be number two." Yukinoshita explained.

"Ahhh, but I wanted to be number one!" Yuigahama whined and pulled on Yukinoshita's arm.

"I called it, I believe that is proper social etiquette yes?" Yukinoshita told her and gave her that damn fine smug look she does.

"Well if everyone is alright with that arrangement then that's what we'll do. I'm just going to get a max coffee to refuel myself." Hikigaya said and started to leave.

"Oh no you don't!" Hiratsuka-sensei said and grabbed him by the arm. "My biological clock is ticking! We're getting hitched right now!" And with that she started to drag him away. Both Hoe One and Hoe Two chased after them.

In a matter of hours the service club organized a bitchin wedding cus they know how to get stuff done son. Hiratsuka-sensei insisted that the three of them call her Shizuka now because she couldn't be there teacher any more. Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were her bridesmaids and stood right next to her during the ceremony because they realized that it was also kind of their ceremony to become Hikki's official hoes.

When it was time to kiss the bride Hikigaya went down the line and made out with each of them and they almost started getting busy right there but they weren't exhibitionist. Not yet anyway. As the four of them practically ran down the isle they knew their destination was the nearest hotel. Komachi shouted to the other guest.

"That's right! My Onii-chan has all the play! What now?!"

Hikigaya waved to her before diving into the limo that was waiting for them.

The next nine months of his life consisted of waking up, eating something, having mind blowing awesome sex for hours on end, and then passing out in a pile on the floor with his new wife and hoes around him. Naturally all three were with child at this point and the four of them lived in a sweet apartment that Yukinoshita's parents were paying for. All three went into labor the same day as well. Shizuka had a boy, Yuigahama had a girl, and Yukinoshita had one of both making her feel like the winner.

They had to cut down on the crazy sex parties a little to help take care of the children but that would not stop the ladies from getting what they wanted. They were all hopelessly addicted to the Hikki D after all. One day as Hikigaya tried to rest a little while sitting in a chair by the door he heard a knock. Pulling himself up he opened the door and held back a yawn.

"Sennnnpai! How are you?!"

"Oh Isshiki, its you." was all he said and collapsed back into the chair. Isshiki let herself in and closed the door behind her.

"That's all? I come all the way to see you and that's all you say to me?" she asked and sighed in disappointment.

"Sorry, kind of tired. How are you? Did things ever work out with Hayama?"

"N-No, not really." she told him and looked away.

"Oh...sorry to hear that."

That ever super uncomfortable silence feel over them. Don't you hate when that happens?

"Uhh, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama are around here somewhere. Their probably busy but I'm sure they'd want to see you and catch up." Hikigaya told her to change the subject. Instead of looking back at him she looked down

"Idiot, I came to see you." she said just above a whisper. Looking back at him with tears in her eyes she all but shouted. "School is so lonely without you! I'm losing my mind!"

Even the great Hikigaya Hachiman can do little against the force of a crying girl so he was speechless.

"Did you really not notice Senpai?!" she wailed.

"No...uhh...Hayama..."

"I really thought I wanted him but...after a while...I knew...I knew what I felt for you was the closest thing to something real I've ever felt! And now...now its to late!" she cried and fell on her knees. She covered her eyes and sobbed for a few seconds before feeling a hand on her shoulder.

"It isn't to late." he whispered in her ear. Cus Hikigaya Hachiman is smooth as hell. With that he kissed her and she jumped his bones right there. Everyone else came in and after putting the kids to sleep joined in and gladly welcomed Isshiki as Hoe Number Three.

Nine more months passed and she helped increase the number of the Hikki clan, as did all the other ladies. This of course made caring for all the children difficult and it was decided that they needed help. So an add was placed in the paper for a nanny and they waited for it to be answered. After a while Hikigaya was given the task of doing the job interviews, as he waited for the applicant in the living room of their new bigger apartment a familiar silver pony tail walked in.

"O-oh, so it was your add?" she asked.

"Yeah...uhhhh..."

"Kawasaki!"

"Ahh yes! Uhh have a seat."

The interview began and Kawasaki explained that she wanted the job to help pay for her living expenses as she was now living on her own. She had a lot of experience with her younger siblings and had several good references. So natural she got the job and helped the growing family out a lot. Hikigaya would notice after a while that she seemed very happy while taking care of the children and dreadfully sad when she had to leave. At the urging of his wife and hoes Hikigaya was told to ask her about it and he found himself once again alone with her in the living room.

"Oh, that? Well I..." she started to say defensively in a fluster. "Its...lonely when I go home. I've always lived with my family but living on my own is harder then I thought it would be. But then I come her and your big family is so happy and I..."

"Wish you could be a part of it all the time?"

With tears in her eyes she nodded and damn could SakiSaki be cute as hell. Walking over to her Hachiman bent down in front of her so that their faces were right next to each other.

"I think I have a solution to your problem." his lips meet hers and she hungrily excepted. And thus Kawasaki Saki became Hoe Number Four.

It was around this time that they started to learn little more about what had happened to their old school mates. Evidently Hayama had settled for Miura and they were engaged. Zaimokuza had actually started dating Ebina but according to him it didn't work out because she wanted to try very strange things that usually involved other guys. Totsuka had started his career as a pro tennis player and was one of the sports most promising young stars. Hikigaya rarely missed any of his matches when they were on TV and this annoyed his wife and lovers to no end. No one knew what happened to Tobe.

More time went by and it was decided to rent out an entire apartment building for the ever growing family. Hikigaya found himself barely having any moment of rest but otherwise content and happy. This continued until one day he received a phone call from someone he hadn't heard from at that point in three years. The call was swift and only gave a time and a place to meet. He was reluctant but ultimately decided to go anyway. So by reworking his ungodly busy schedule that Yukinoshita planned out, he was able to find some time to leave and meet this person under a bridge in the late hours of the day.

"So you came." Yukinoshita Haruno said smoothly when he came into view.

"So I have." he responded. She walked up to him and looked him up and down as if to size him up.

"You've gotten taller. You look so grown up Hikigaya-kun." she purred.

"You haven't changed at all I see." he said back and shoved his hands into his pockets. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Straight to the point huh? I just wanted to see how my darling little sister is doing. She hasn't even spoken to our parents in three years. I'm getting worried." she explained and made the distance between them nonexistent.

"...is that what you really want to know?" he told her mockingly and her perfect mask seemed to start and fall apart. And for once in her life Haruno was speechless. She remained frozen and Hikigaya started to back away.

"See you around Haruno-san I need to get back-"

"You think you have it all figured out don't you?!" she hissed and he stopped in his tracks. "You failed! What you have isn't genuine at all! Its as fake as everything else! So don't you act all high and mighty you little brat!" she screamed and tried to catch her breath. Evidently surprised at herself for her own outburst. Hikigaya thought a moment before speaking.

"You might be right. I still don't know if I've found something genuine or if something like that can even exist. At times...even in that big house full of people I find myself feeling lonely to, but sometimes that feeling fades away. And when I think back to how I use to always feel that way, it just proves that at the very least I've made progress. How about you Haruno-san? Do you ever not feel lonely?

The look of shock mixed with fear on her face gave him her answer. "Good-bye Haruno-san"

And with that he turned and started walking away. She didn't move for a few seconds but then she willed herself to follow.

"Ahh wait wait Hikigaya-kun! I'm sorry for yelling. Lets talk some more. Hehe." she said rapidly as the click of her heels echoed as she tried to catch up. But he gave no sign that he even heard her and kept walking. She quickened her pace and laughed foolishly because she had no idea what else to do. No one had walked away from her before, they always came to her. Her smile vanished when she thought of that and she grew desperate.

"Wait, please...do you think I could?..." the words weren't coming to her. Finally her hand darted out and caught his sleeve and he finally stopped. She could think of only one word to say and it may have been the most genuine word she ever spoke.

"Please."

Silence engulfed them and they were both perfectly still. She felt like time moved slower and after what felt like a century he started to move. But instead of simply removing her hand from him has she thought he would do, he removed it and held it in his without barely turning around. He started to walk and she followed. When they had to stop at the first intersection he finally spoke again.

"You have to talk with Yukino. For me, its what she decides." he told her.

"I understand." she answered in a soft voice that was so unlike her it was jarring to him.

He nodded as the light changed colors. He waited until they were half way across the street before saying. "You have a lot of nieces and nephews to meet. Komachi is really far ahead in cool aunt points at the moment."

"I'll do my best."

And thus when they got to his home yelling ensued, things were thrown, names were called, but after a private conversation between two sisters things were resolved. With a passionate kiss on Hikigaya's lips Haruno announced her arrival as Hoe Number Five.

Seventy Years Later

The Hikigaya Clan is now nearly two hundred and fifty members strong and ever growing. The family now lives in a series of buildings that the locals of Chiba have dubbed "Hikki Village". Six generations now lived together in happiness.

Hikigaya Hachiman sat in the living room of the main house and watched as Yukino poured them both tea. Her hair was no longer jet black and her face carried some wrinkles but her blue eyes seemed to have never aged and she was as stunning to him as the first day they had meet. It was just the two of them now, as all the other mothers of his children had passed away. Each one with a smile on their face and their children and children's children surrounding them.

"You're staring, I've never gotten use to those eyes, they make me feel so uneasy." Yukino told him teasingly.

"Sorry, sorry." he said and pretended to look away. When she was finished she placed his tea cup with Pan-san's image on it in front of him and he happily drank from it. She took her spot next to him and did the same. The silence between them was so satisfying but they both knew he would break it.

"Say, Yukinoshita, would you want to be friends?" he asked.

"You know the answer to that question Hikigaya-kun." she responded. They had done that exchange a million times over the years and it held great meaning to them. It was theirs. But this time Hikigaya unexpectedly added to it.

"...then would you be my wife then?"

She stopped bringing the tea cup to her lips and placed it on the table. She then looked at him and they didn't need words to convey her answer but she gave them anyway.

"Yes. That I could do."

The ceremony wasn't all that grand. It was held in their old high school which was due to be torn down the next day. They had it in the club room to be exact. Surround by what family members could fit in the small room they exchanged vows and kissed, making the whole building erupted with a cheers. Before leaving they had one more sticker placed on sign outside the door. It was one of three Pan-sans holding hands and skipping happily through a field.

After a nice reception everyone returned home including the new bride and groom. Sitting alone in the bedroom they shared they talked softly about everything and nothing.

"So Hikigaya Hachiman, do you feel like your request has been fulfilled? Have you found your genuine thing?" she asked him.

"Why yes Hikigaya Yukino, I believe I have." he had wanted to call her that for decades but she refused to let him. But now he had an excuse and they both liked how it sounded. They smiled but then suddenly he became more serious and started to slowly make his way over to her.

"Have I made you happy? Is this a good life?"

His question caught her off guard but she responded without missing a beat.

"It was. It is."

He leans in all the way and first kisses her on the forehead and then on her lips. Their elderly arms embrace each other and they began to make love. Because yes, even at eighty nine years old Hikigaya Freaking Hachiman still has it!

After they are done, they lay next to each other and hold hands. Their whispers back and forth are the only sound in the dark room and eventually they both close their eyes.

That's how they found them after they were gone. Smiles on their faces and holding hands.

The shrine was pretty basic with nothing flashy about it, as he had requested. But ever so often cans of Max Coffee are found left around it.

Two Thousand Years Later.

The Hikigaya clan now accounts for about seventy percent of the world's population. They are working to get the remaining thirty percent to embrace the ideologies of their founder. There is almost no war or poverty and it is an unwritten social law among all people that out-casting someone against their will is strictly forbidden.

The End.

Oh and it turns out Tobe was hit by a bus and no one noticed.

The End, For Reals This Time.

What did I just write? O_O