NARCISSISM:

Adults and Children Raised by Narcissists Have a Tough Time, #1 in a Series

What’s so different about you if a narcissist raised you?

I see a lot of adults in my practice that have been raised by one, or even two, narcissistic parents. Many of the parents are successful, famous, or high achievers, but all the parents are very driven by strong forces to do, be and appear in a positive light.

Yes, I live and work in the San Francisco Bay Area where a preponderance of musicians, writers, tech gazillionaires and entertainers choose to live. There are also lots of people who are merely hard driven to improve themselves and their lot in life, which can be argued to be uniquely American in the degree with which we exhibit this drive as a nation.

What are the traits of adults raised by narcissists?

Some of my clients exhibit all these traits listed below, but most suffer from a majority of them:

They are very critical of themselves and don’t naturally disclose much because they are used to being criticized.

Quite clear that they are different than others, they decide in some ways they are much better, but in most areas much worse and inadequate than others.

They are supposed to enhance the parent’s position and status – but never to embarrass or degrade it.

Anxiety is usually present to a much larger degree than others live with.

Authority figures can cause unsettling reactions, including the intense need to please.

They have been trained to give in, go along, accept and shut up. This makes them ripe for abusive, unstable, unhappy relationships of their own.

Their own feelings were not important when the parent was upset. They were made to feel guilty and inadequate.

They live with a vague uneasiness that something bad is about to happen and there will be retribution. They will be in trouble, harshly criticized, fired, broken up with, etc. and that it will be because they are not good enough. This leads to staying in relationships, jobs, situations that do not suit them and they tend to work extraordinarily hard not to let something end. Conversely, if they have very low self-esteem, some may sabotage the situation or relationship quickly since they are certain it won’t work out anyway.

Unsure of their true wants and needs, they can’t ask for them to be met because they do not have expectations they will be met.

Relationships are not expected to last because they don’t see themselves as a valuable friend or lover, and are sometimes disappointed to find people want to meet their parent as part of the friendship.

Self-sabotage and/or perfectionism are always present and uncomfortable to live with.

It is very difficult to find a career or passion because they can’t ever live up to the level of success of their parent, so many remain almost motionless in this regard.

When I ask them to describe how they would act authentically in a difficult situation, they are stumped. They aren’t sure what acting authentically would look like.

They tend to be overly grateful for friendship or attraction overtures, accepting pals and lovers who are damaged and difficult instead of being discriminating in companion selection.

Addiction is often the only choice they can readily identify to medicate their feelings of anxiety, lack of self-esteem and lack of feeling safe and accepted.

They expect rejection, so try to avoid the possibility of it.

Often they have no frame of reference that an intimate relationship should provide joy and not be troublesome, deeply flawed, drama filled, or dissatisfying on a daily basis.

These people tend to be underachievers, or gain considerable proficiency in a sport, profession or attempt only to sabotage it because they don’t think they can sustain the success and fear the outcome if they ever surpassed the parent’s achievements.

Feeling unworthy of what the parent has chosen to bestow on them, some don’t take care of what they have and often aspire to acquire little or nothing to make these feelings more manageable.

Anxiety becomes obvious when they think they have said something that criticizes the parent, and fear retribution, even though our session is private.

They grew up dis-empowered and have little or no idea of the implications of that

They learned at an early age that setting boundaries, stating their feelings and asserting their rights was dangerous and would lead to unpleasant consequences.

Their own feelings are confused because they were taught they were unimportant, invalid and were not going to be realized.

I will continue to add more posts on the issues surrounding behaviors associated with being raised by a narcissistic parent. Please visit my website at: www.valentinotherapy.com and follow Valentino Therapy on Facebook for the latest post in a series on this issue.

Sharon Valentino, MA, ChT, CA LMFT, Psychotherapist, Behavioral Health

Calif. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, MFC51746

Masters Level Registered Addiction Specialist (MRAS) & Level IV Certified Addiction Treatment Counselor (CATC IV), Masters Counseling Psychology

Addressing: Stress, Anxiety, Relationships, Depression, PTSD, Trauma, Pain, Memory Issues, Addiction, Adult Children of Alcoholics/Substance/Anger Abusers (ACA’s), Tech Execs & Engineers, Creatives & Designers – Private Online Therapy (Telemedicine) is available via HIPPA provider’s security.

Ph: 415.215.5363, e: sv@valentinotherapy.com , web: www.valentinotherapy.com

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