President and bone-spur sufferer Donald Trump. Photo: Oliver Contreras/Getty Images

President Trump has been itching to hold a massive military parade where he could observe all the cool military equipment, because that idea occupies the exact sweet spot in the Venn diagram between “aspiring authoritarian” and “small child somehow gains terrifying powers.” However, the fantasy has proven surprisingly difficult to pull off. Military parades are customarily reserved for winning wars, and the Pentagon is obviously reluctant to be conscripted into a partisan exercise. It has floated a series of exorbitant price tags, and the American Legion officially stated that the parade should wait until the war on terror has been won.

Trump, customarily averse to admitting defeat, cannot concede that he is literally unable to organize a parade. Nor can he admit he is actually in a conflict with the military or a representative of veterans, since the purpose of the exercise is to equate Trump with both. Instead, he is blaming the government of the District of Columbia, which is conveniently civilian and heavily African-American.

The local politicians who run Washington, D.C. (poorly) know a windfall when they see it. When asked to give us a price for holding a great celebratory military parade, they wanted a number so ridiculously high that I cancelled it. Never let someone hold you up! I will instead... — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 17, 2018

Of course, Trump is also required, in keeping with Trump standard procedure, to insist something even better will come of this. The answer is … fighter jets:

....attend the big parade already scheduled at Andrews Air Force Base on a different date, & go to the Paris parade, celebrating the end of the War, on November 11th. Maybe we will do something next year in D.C. when the cost comes WAY DOWN. Now we can buy some more jet fighters! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 17, 2018

So Trump’s actual stated position is that the military was previously going to be denied fighter jets — which presumably it needs, because why else would Trump be funding them? — in order to make room for a parade. And now it will get the fighter jets it needed only because D.C. blocked the parade.

D.C. government is, by Trump’s reasoning, making America safe, by enabling the purchase of fighter jets that Trump had been blocking. We should hold a parade to honor the heroes of the District of Columbia.