Worker on zero-hour contract doing zero hours delighted he’s not in unemployed figures

As the latest government figures showed a drop in unemployment to the lowest level in twelve years, zero-hour workers have sought clarification that they’re definitely not unemployed.

Despite not doing any work, or being paid any wages, zero-hour contract workers have been told once again that they are a valuable part of the UK’s workforce.

Zero-hour contract worker Simon Williams welcomed the reassurances, telling us, “I have a job, and that’s why I’m not in the new unemployment figures – I’m contributing to making them the best ever.

“I mean, it’s a job that didn’t pay me anything last week, because I’m not guaranteed any actual work – but that’s better than nothing, right?

“Well, I suppose that technically speaking, nothing is not better than nothing, it’s the same as nothing – but you get the point.”

Government statisticians have insisted there is a big difference between people not working and not getting paid, and people with a piece of paper to say their job gave them no work and they’re not getting paid.

As one senior Whitehall official explained,”People claiming job seekers allowance would love the opportunity to work zero hours for zero pay – as it removes the stigma of unemployment.

“Getting back into the workforce routine of not doing anything and not picking up any wages is an important part of reintegrating the previously unemployed.

“I look forward to the day when we have another one and a half million workers not doing any work and not getting paid – our unemployment figures will look amazing.”