You know the feeling. Head pounding, dry mouth, body feels like its been hit by a ton of bricks and your stomach churns. The feeling after a particularly savage night of drinking. The physical hangover was one of the more unpleasant side effects of alcoholism. Its your body’s way of telling you that you ingested a shit-ton of lethal chemical and to knock it the F off.

You swear off alcohol if you could just feel better. You ask why you do this to yourself. You lay as motionless as possible hoping the horrible physical effects go away. As time passes you realize that the only thing that can hasten this pain is the liquid that caused it itself. A little hair of the dog. Soon you are having another drink. 2-3 drinks into the night you are feeling better but are headed for another physical crash the next day. That’s how you fixed it, the physical hangover.

You also known the feeling when you wake up scared to death wondering what exactly you did last night. Your thoughts make you sick to your stomach and you shake thinking “did I really do that?” You scour your phone for clues only to realize that your worst fears are true. You feel so low like you want to climb into a hole and hide forever. The moral hangover is also an unpleasant side effect of your alcoholism. This is your mind’s way of telling you that you ingested a shit-ton of lethal chemical and to knock it the F off.

You swear off alcohol if it would just not be true. You ask why you do this to yourself. You avoid contact with anyone else who may know or who may be upset. You start to realize that you think the solution is the liquid that caused the pain. A couple drinks go by and you have yourself convinced that its not as bad as you think. That you’re not as bad as your actions. That’s how you fixed it, the moral hangover.

I thought my alcoholism had everything to do with chemical dependency. I just needed a few days of not drinking. As long as I was able to tough it out long enough, the cravings would go away and like magic I would be cured. No longer would I need to drink because my body doesn’t crave the chemical anymore. I never really realized that the true reason I returned was my moral hangover.

114 days into sobriety and now I know that the real repairing is beginning. There are big issues in all of our lives and I chose to ignore them by drinking them away. I don’t do that anymore and the moral hangover is beginning to subside. I will not be physically anymore sober tomorrow than I am today. Mentally, I am becoming more and more sober each day. I am facing life and handling it. This is the true benefit of sobriety. I am living and feeling again.