Boasting about your gamerscore is like measuring unicorn penises -- neither are real. A test: Go outside, stop someone, and tell them you'll give them a whole 100 invisible ImagiPoints if they spend 10 minutes hopping on one leg. Chances are, they'll either give you a funny look or punch you in your stupid face. Give a gamer a few Achievement points, and they'll comply without question, and brag about it to all their other Achievement-hoarding friends.The following achievements are real... and have been nabbed by Xbots with far too much time on their hands.You have to kill almost everyone else in free-for-all in four seconds, so you not only need to be Schwarzenegger, you need to be Schwarzenegger in "Commando" or be playing against four conjoined pacifists. The odds against four Halo players getting close enough without Battle Rifling each other to bits are on par with being the first to say something homophobic in a PS3/360 discussion thread. It's so unlikely that you've got a better chance just asking your enemies to let you shoot them in the head. Unfortunately that's exactly what people do. A lot. Screechingly.Low-ranked lobbies are plagued by the begging of ultrasonic twelve year-olds, wrecking everyone else's game for a single five-point achievement. There's an entire gaming culture based on "achievement matches" where achievements can be won by whining or knowing four other people as worthless as you are. And once that little group is assembled, they line up for Spartan Two-in-Ones and everything else, shuffling space marines around the map into pretty arrangements and basically turning "Halo Deathmatch" into "Playing with dolls."A hypnotist could mesmerize you into dating your mother, as a chicken, and he still wouldn't be taking the piss as much as Activision. "Buy a Guitar Already" rewards anyone working through a hard career using the Xbox controller -- at which point they might as well give points for listening to paintings or respecting Tila Tequila's moral integrity, because they're dealing with people who miss points so badly they can't see hedgehogs.If you're that good with your hands you could have spent those last few hours jerking off and still achieved more. You'd be much more honest with yourself, your role in life, exactly how much you contribute to society.You're in a mall full of weapons, zombies, convicted murderers and a clown who thinks "Evil Dead" didn't have enough juggling in it. If the important word there was "Mall!" you're not even a girl: You're an idiot Hollywood scriptwriter's idea of a girl and are even now dreaming of clothes as you twirl the pink ribbons that spontaneously generate in your hair. "Clothes Horse" rewards you for trying on every outfit in the Williamette mall, and since Black Mesa don't sell HEV suits off the shelf, there's less reason to be trying on clothes than there is to be playing a 2006 game and still having to goddamn go to the goddamn restroom to goddamn assholes save the stupid bastards stuck in the goddamn mall.This achievement has a smaller market than "Quantum Mechanics for Sarah Palin." Someone who wants to try on pretty clothes but picks up Dead Rising obviously can't recognize letters or pictures enough to work out that they should be playing something else. If you want to play Barbie with a controller, go buy FFX-2 like all the other guys who aren't being honest enough with themselves.