SALT LAKE CITY — The Conference Center, a place known to be a safe house of serenity through inspired biannual conference talks, is opening its doors to Babylon of the bustling Salt Lake metropolis.

Both monster truck administrators and church officials were excited to announce the deal. “It just financially made sense,” said Corey Thompson, newly appointed Church Monster Truck Coordinator, referring to the millions it will bring to the annual budget. “Like a stone cut without hands, this work will go forward, but sometimes it surprises us which direction ‘forward’ is.”

The initial controversy that was voiced by more conservative members quickly dissipated once monster truck rallies were realized to be potential missionary opportunities. “God’s lost sheep will be coming into the Lord’s home. This is a wonderful opportunity,” professed Dale Butler, who was recently called to serve in the Salt Lake City Monster Truck Mission. Elder Butler enters the MTC later this month, where he and others will be drilled on monster truck tactics and strategy, great historical monster truck moments, and contemporary issues, along with the usual courses on gospel and missionary work.

After religious services at the conference center on Sundays, workers will quickly replace floral arrangements with arrangements of junkyard cars ready to be crushed; pews will be replaced with mud pits. At the end of the week, flowers and pews will be discretely restored.

This agreement was finally reached after reaching a compromise proposed by church leaders that all music accompanying the destruction and carnage of souped-up machines must be approved church hymns. This has spurred a rush of LDS musicians getting their heavier renditions of the hymns approved. “We think this compromise shows both our striving for spirituality and the desire to see Skull Crusher’s superior engineering make a mockery of all others,” said one anonymous church official and biased Skull Crusher fan.

However, Skull Crusher doesn’t have unanimous support. The monster trucks Spirit of God, Sword of Laban, Apostasy, Righteous Indignation, and Unrighteous Dominion also polled favorably, but for now, it’s all talk until they are put in the arena together.

Skull Crusher and the others can be seen rupturing fabricated steel and chrome every weekday in both matinee and evening showings. Great family home evening and mutual activity. Discounts available for reciting Articles of Faith or scripture mastery scriptures.