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Wonkie has the greatest respect for Thuli Madonsela. In fact, she is one of the very few high profile South Africans that Wonkie would back should she ever start a political party. While there has been much in the headlines about her recent report about the wonderful Nkandla saga, Wonkie wonders whether any of it will really make any difference on the South African political landscape.

Zuma, and the ANC, are hardly inept when it comes to covering their ample behinds. So, Wonkie thought it would be interesting to share some ingenious ways that they might spin Nkandla.

1. The Shaggy Defence

2. The Hansie Defence

The most obvious defence is for Zuma to stand up and say “It wasn’t me!” There is no shortage of incompetent internal fall-guys the ANC could use to divert the public’s attention. If you hear that the deputy minister of something-or-other was ultimately responsible for overspending on Nkandla, then you know that Operation Shaggy has been successful.

An extension of the above, Zuma could likely claim that the nasty “Tokoloshe made me do it”. Not only will this spin strategy work, it will also help him consolidate his support from sympatheic voters across the country. Who amongst us, after all, have not sinned or been led astray by forces beyond our control?

3. The Poor Ol’ Me Defence

As the leader of a nation, President Zuma simply does not have time to read every multi-100-million Rand upgrade proposal to his home. Not when there are more pressing matters like basic education and corruption to manage. Seriously, it’s just not practical.

Nkandla is just one such document that slipped through – and quite honestly, had he known about it, he simply would never have approved such ridiculous extravagance.

4. The Voodoo Defence

Since the ANC has already accused Thuli Madonsela of being biased against the ANC, this defence is a natural follow-on. Since she is continuing to pursue the ANC relentlessly, she must be possessed by demons. Hopefully after the Public Protector exorcism ceremony kindly commissioned by the SABC, Miss Madonsela will be back on the righteous pro-ANC path.

5. It cos I’m black innit Defence

The “it’s my culture” argument is a solid one and one that has served President Zuma well over the years. From polygamy to justifying numerous indiscretions, one can still successfully pull the race card in South Africa and get away with it. If you hear that cattle are an extension of a Zulu man’s very soul, and that they have the right to be as protected as a Zulu man himself, then you can assume that this defence is at work.

6. The Security Defence

The initial proposal by the Defence Minister for the protection of the Nkandla compound, oops home, was that there be a 100m moat surrounding the entire village. After much brave deliberation and persuasion by President Zuma, the defence ministry finally agreed that it would serve the public interest better by building a small swimming pool instead. It would be cheaper, and it least the principle of the security moat filled with vicious crocodiles would still be there. Kudos to President Zuma for leading by example and showing that expenses can always be cut to make government more efficient.

The plus side of this defence is that the ANC gets to show that they relate to the populace about their serious concerns regarding personal safety and security. Once again – President Zuma, man of the people.

7. The Petty DA Defence

Once again, this is victimisation of our good president by the unscrupulous DA. Honestly, in the grand scheme of South African corruption, Nkandla is completely insignificant – but why attack and harp on this one minor incident. I’ll tell you why: it’s just part of smear campaign aimed at discrediting a great leader, someone who fought for South African freedom – your freedom.

Note the cheekiness of this strategy, in that wrongdoing is admitted but the presentation still relieves the perpetrator of accountability by diverting the public’s attention.

8. You Got It Wrong Defence

Depending on how much testosterone is floating around in the ANC ranks, the ultimate cheeky spin would be this one.

It goes something like this: “Sure, we built Nkandla, but we did it for the community. Seriously, who do you think the clinic and the swimming pool is for? Me? I don’t even swim, I shower! This is just our way of giving back – and the good news is that soon, this pilot project will be rolled out to all the other areas of South Africa that are currently facing service delivery challenges (provided of course, they vote for the ANC).”

Wonkie would love to hear your thoughts on whether the Nkandla report will affect the ANC in any meaningful way in the upcoming 2014 South African elections:

COMMENT on Madonsela’s Nkandla Report and the ANC election strategy.

If the thought of Zuma getting away with the Nkandla upgrade makes you cringe, perhaps now would be a good time to buy an international lottery ticket online – after all, President Zuma can’t be the only man who is so lucky in South Africa.

Realistically though, Zuma appears to be more capable of beating the odds than the average South African citizen. Wonkie is tempted to tell you to try a South African online casino or to review Wonkie’s top 10 online casinos to see if you can raise the funds to flee the country, but Wonkie is certain that you know better than to do that!

Wonkie readers based in India, and are wondering what all the fuss about government corruption is about, should visit this great website instead.

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Related articles on Nkandla, and the ANC:

COMMENT on Madonsela’s Nkandla Report and the ANC election strategy.