Be honest with everyone: you don't watch Heroes or Heroes Reborn for the plot, writing, acting, directing, cinematography, art design, score, character development, costuming, opening titles, closing credits, makeup, gaffing, best boys, sound editing, or catering, you watch it because you want to see people show off superpowers on a network television budget. Well I got you covered!

Let's meet all the superpeople that appeared in the two-hour premiere along with .GIFs—the animated kind because I like you—of their powers in action, without any of that middling plot to get in the way of things. To the good stuff!





The Incredible Transforming Interpretive Dance Machine

Party trick: Can change appearances, dance like a Burning Man flunk-out.

The best thing about the Incredible Transforming Interpretive Dance Machine is that he/she knows his/her New Age dance routine is so embarrassing that he/she has to transform into other people so as not to be actually recognized as the goofy dancer in his/her true form. This is a really great power used in the absolute lamest possible way.





The Amazing Invisible Asshole

Party trick: He can become visible when it's the most rude time to do so.

The worst thing anyone with the power of invisibility can do is become visible right in front of someone as they're walking, and look at this punk-ass jerk. Not only was he wearing one of those terrible beanie hats AND sporting a goatee, but he didn't even say sorry when he cut off that woman with the gross sunglasses (why is everyone dressed like someone I want to punch?) and acted like it was her fault. This man was worse than whoever caused 6/13. Go speed off in your invisible Camaro and wrap it around a very visible telephone pole, you selfish bro dude.





Balloon Boy

Party trick: He can pretend to be a balloon.

He can float. Whoop-dee-doo. Give us a call when dad twists him into a balloon animal.





Flying Chinese Guy

Party trick: As the name says, he can fly! But maybe only in a straight line?

FCG was chained to a weight to keep him grounded, but when the mean Chinese government showed up to haul him away, he sawed his thumb off and zoomed into the atmosphere like a baking soda rocket! He better be super-resistant to cold and pressure too, because miles above the Earth he'll turn into a popsicle or his insides will push out with such force that he'll explode. You gotta know these things when you can fly. With great power comes great responsibility to learn the physics of atmospheric pressure.





Tommy Vortex

Party trick: He can zap things into nothingness with the palm of his hand!

Tommy, one of the principal characters of Heroes Reborn, can wink people out of existence with a well-placed palm gesture in his target's general direction. But the disappeared don't go to some fifteenth dimension invisible to our third-dimension eyes, they go to wherever Tommy was thinking of when he placed the zap order, which means all these things and people that got warped away are probably in his crush's boobs. In other words, don't f*ck with Tommy.





The Senile Speedster

Party trick: He can run extremely fast... but only in circles!

When Luke and Joanna came to kill an underground meeting of Evos, the Senile Speedster sprang into action and screamed while running in circles at hyperspeed near the snack table. Unfortunately, Joanna exploited his weakness: bullets.





Fire Hands Freddy

Party trick: Can conjure a fireball in his hands, make kids run laps.

Fire Hands Freddy was a P.E. teacher at Tommy's school. This wasn't important in any way, but I thought I would throw that detail in here because the show did and so I could make that kids run laps "joke." At one point, he shot some sort of sonic blast, and maybe he was going to turn Luke into doner kebab in the .GIF above, but all we got to see was him create fire between his hands. This is a great skill for starting barbecues, but not great for combat. Like several other Evos, his main weakness was a bullet shot from a gun. Also good on Luke for toting around a fire extinguisher everywhere he went, you never know when you're going to go mano y mano with someone who has fire hands.

Next: More ordinary people with somewhat interesting powers!