Gary Lineker appointed leader of the opposition

Former England striker Gary Lineker has been appointed leader of the opposition by default, as nobody else appears to be doing it.

Lineker, who is best known for presenting Match of the Day in his pants, has been formally appointed to the role at Westminster after holding the government to account in a way the people elected to do so, have not.

As his first priority, Lineker says he will hang around the speaker’s chair waiting for cross-bench pieces of primary legislation to knock past the Prime Minister and into the back of the statute books.

A spokesman for the government said they were delighted Gary had taken the role as it was all getting a bit boring.

“We asked those in the Chamber of the House of Commons who the leader of the Opposition was, and nobody seemed to know,” we were told.

“We had been looking to debate stuff like Syria and Brexit and the economy and so on, but we just kept getting directed to some old bloke who went on about hedgehogs and shit.

“But Gary…well, he’s got something going for him. All those years of bickering with Alan Hansen have really sharpened him up.”

The spokesman went on to say he hoped for a crisp level of debate before being told his services were no longer required and escorted from the building.

Critics have pointed out that nobody has yet voted for Gary Lineker, but Walkers have offered to solve this by giving customers the choice of Lineker or Cheese and Onion on the Opposition benches by selling special packs.