THE producers of “Relatively Speaking” (which opens at the Brooks Atkinson on Oct. 20) have asked me to conduct an in-depth interview with Ethan Coen and Woody Allen, with whom it turns out I have written three one-act plays. I have done this by submitting questions to both men who will presumably answer them in depth. I’ve interviewed Woody Allen before but I have only recently met Ethan Coen and we have never spoken although our silence is friendly. My challenge will be to ask the probing questions that will reveal the deeper, more complex nature of both men in a way that will not hurt ticket sales.

Q. A miraculous being with divine powers appears to you and says, “You have a choice. You can be fabulously attractive and have an even better physique or you can reverse climate change.” What do you say to her?

ETHAN COEN Those are my choices?

WOODY ALLEN The question becomes moot since I am already more than sufficiently attractive. Of course the actual impact of my physique might not be apparent to the naked eye at first glance, but with some laser surgery or perhaps corneal transplants the viewer will be amply rewarded. The real question is, who is this miraculous being with the divine powers who has suddenly appeared and what is she wearing? If it’s six-inch heels and a thong the best idea would be to take her to a hotel room and see just how many other-worldly tricks she is capable of performing. As for climate change, all the good hotel rooms are air-conditioned.

Q. How would you go about achieving world peace if you had the time?

COEN I do have the time, so reject the premise.