A leaked letter from Conservative campaign headquarters has found its way into the hands of the Observer’s Scottish bureau. Its title is: “Advisory on visiting Scottish food banks.”

“Dear Colleagues,

There’s no getting away from the fact that the Conservative and Unionist party has traditionally encountered challenges in our dealings with poor people. This, though, ought never to prevent us from striving to engage with them. The yellow press likes to portray us as heartless and callous simply for trying to curb overspending and instilling a measure of economic discipline into people’s lives. In the long term this will make them reflect on their lifestyle choices. This is called realistic compassion and it’s time we all damn well stopped being ashamed of it.

I would thus urge you all to seek out photo opportunities among those facilities that claim to be providing alms for the poor. The most obvious of these are food banks. An organisation called the Trussell Trust operates them and there are hundreds all over the UK. Nope, I haven’t seen any either but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Indeed, I was telling the wife the other day that if there’s so many, why don’t we just do a PPI initiative and sell shares in them?

This is an affluent country and there’s always been enough to go around. I mean, you never heard of food banks during the Blitz

The Trussell Trust may at first be wary of co-operating with us on this as they blame us for the nationwide rise in food banks. If so, I’d warn them that if they refuse our offer of help it’ll be all over the Daily Mail by the weekend, along with a headline like: “Starving? So, why is this food bank now refusing food donations?”

My view is that they encourage ideas of dependency and fuel a culture of entitlement. This is an affluent country, after all, and there’s always been enough to go around. I mean, you never heard of food banks during the blitz and even the striking bloody miners in 1984 knew how to make a little go a long way. A little self-denial never did anyone any harm in my book, and got this country through two world wars.

We live in softer times, though, and it’s time we simply got with the picture. I understand that none of you will be familiar with the business of food banks so I’d urge you to pay attention to these advisory notes. Some of the people in these places might not look all that poor or malnourished. They’ll be standing there in clothes with recognisable labels and perhaps even be sporting outdoor leisurewear of reputable vintage. Some might even be wearing Burberry, by God (don’t ask me). Please, under no circumstances, say something like, “If you don’t mind me saying so, you look as though you could last for a few weeks yet,” while patting their stomachs with a wink in a chummy manner. One of our colleagues encountered a sticky situation a few years ago while visiting a homeless centre. On seeing that some of the residents seemed to be quite young, he told the staff that he might raise an early-day motion proposing we make crèche facilities available inside prisons.

I’d also advise approaching these places in your usual 4x4s or Jaguars. Google Maps will provide a list of neighbouring streets where you can park your vehicle out of sight, then proceed to the venue on foot. We have secured a list of those food items these places always seem to require. Many of these comestibles come in tins or packets and I’ve helpfully attached pictures of them, along with an explanation of what they actually are. If you’re still in doubt, please consult Wikipedia. I’d also advise you to source them in supermarkets called Lidl and Aldi. The livery of these outlets is quite striking and their shopping bags are very colourful and look good in photographs. Please don’t go shopping in these places wearing expensive suits and coats. A baseball cap, unwashed denims (preferably with dried-in food stains) and battered training shoes will help you blend in. Probably best not to wash your hair for a couple of days before any planned visit.

When handing over your shopping bags to the chap in charge, it helps if you deploy some couthy locutions that will be familiar to many of the food-bank users. A glossary of these is appended. Perhaps something like: “All right, chief? Here’s a few wee items me and the missus put together for youze” (always taking care to put special emphasis on the long “z”). On no account must you attempt to engage the recipients in humorous badinage. I once handed over a bag containing tins of apricot and orange slices and said, “They’ll go well with your Glen’s vodka,” while winking extravagantly, and got a rather intense Paddington stare for my trouble.

I’m also told that some food-bank users can be intelligent and may attempt to quiz you about universal credit. Do not, under any circumstances, get drawn into conversations about this. If all else fails, just do what we always do in the north-west of England and blame the immigrants or the French lorry drivers.

If you should find yourself in Glasgow’s East End I’ve provided a map giving the fastest ways of ingress and egress. In these places the locals are wily characters and may attempt to trip you up by asking which football team you support. For the purposes of these visits you are a supporter of Partick Thistle and you remember your dad taking you to see Denis McQuade when you were little. Their nickname is the Jags. If the visit is going well you may even refer to them as “The Harry Wraggs”.

Chin-chin…”

• Kevin McKenna is an Observer columnist