New England Patriots Remind Americans That God is Dead

Feb 04, 2019

Super Bowl LIII was the lowest scoring Super Bowl ever. The New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams, 13 to 3.

When asked the secret of his longevity, the team’s captain, Friedrich Nietzsche, clenched the game football in his hands and replied “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers?”

The Patriots led 3-0 at halftime. After the Rams tied it with a field goal, the Patriots scored the game-winning touchdown with seven minutes left in the game.

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger,” continued Nietzsche. “Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.”

After all, the two teams combined for five turnovers, making for a sloppy game. The captain reflected upon this, noting that “There are horrible people who, instead of solving a problem, tangle it up and make it harder to solve for anyone who wants to deal with it. Whoever does not know how to hit the nail on the head should be asked not to hit it at all.”

The Patriots quarterback became the first player in NFL history to win six Super Bowl wins, unequivocally earning him the title of GOAT: Greatest of All Time.

"Where has God gone?" he concluded. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose.”