THE government has announced that child poverty is now known as infant cash flow problems.

After successfully retitling the Minimum Wage as the Living Wage, ministers have decided that renaming things is easier than sorting them out.

A government spokesman said: “Children’s income fluctuates dependent on factors like pocket money and Saturday jobs, it’s patronising to describe them as living in poverty when they’ve just hit a temporary bump in the road.

“An eight-year-old can be out of cash one week, but then pick a lucrative freelance paper round contract that sees them rolling in sweets and comics.

“We will also be renaming homelessness as ‘temporary roof absence’, and anyone caught manipulating their child benefits will be called a ‘kiddie benefit fiddler’, to provide the maximum amount of demonisation.”