KATE UPTON

My new favorite supermodel. I saw that video of her doing the Dougie at a Clippers game and I became a fan. I’ll be following her tits closely in the coming months to see what they do next.

BUFFALO WILD WINGS

Good grub, lots of monitors, and the waitresses are usually hot. Just like a ballpark, rich and poor alike gather here. All and sundry are welcome at the Wild Wings.

DAVID ALLAN COE

A genuine country outlaw, haters have called him racist because he used the N-word in a few songs. If that makes a person racist, I guess I’m racist too. As is my friend Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. And my good friend, Kanye West. Did I mention David Allan Coe has a black friend, too? His drummer, I think. How can someone with black friends be racist?

JEAN PAUL GAULTIER’S LE MALE

Le Male is French for “The Dude”. I put this cologne in the same category as my Bath & Body Works foaming hand soaps. While I realize these products are borderline homosexual, I also realize chicks dig a man who smells good. Having Sex With Girls = Not Gay.

CHUCK BERRY

Chuck Berry invented rock and roll and is a true national treasure, yet he’ll never get his due simply because he golden-showered a girl and made videos of it. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I’m waiting for Hollywood to make that movie. Put Jamie Foxx in it, I’ll see it.

ARABIAN GOATS EYE COCK RING

Brought to the West by Arabian merchants, this is a cock ring made from the eyelids of goats, with the eyelashes still intact. The stretchy, leathery ring keeps you hard while the eyelashes tickle the vadge. Rediscover the wisdom of the ancients.

THE PUNISHER

America’s greatest superhero. My boy straight up murders people and then steals their guns to use against future enemies. Superman would be America’s greatest, but he’s an illegal alien and that takes him out of the running. In my book, you have to be a natural-born citizen.

E-CIGARETTES

These are small vaporizers that are like cigarettes, but without the smoke. I have a friend who’s figured out how to load them up with a THC oil derived from hashish. You can smoke up anywhere with these e-cigs, even in an airplane bathroom at 40,000 feet. Nobody will smell a thing.

BOB MUNDEN

The fastest gunslinger that ever lived. He’s not an old-time cowboy from the Wild West; he’s alive today. Bob Munden is an exhibition shooter who can shoot his pistol twice in a row so fast it sounds like a single shot. His draw is like my fastball. By the time you hear that pop ... it’s all over but the cryin’.

FINALLY MYLIE! LOVE DOLL

This is a blow-up love doll that is made to anatomically resemble pop star Miley Cyrus. From her tiny little bum to her big-ass gums. Finally!