Christian marriage does not require staying with the abuser

There are times when distancing yourself from someone who is angry, is necessary. There is absolutely no good reason for you to move towards another, when they are being abusive. For the wife of an abuser to remain in danger while receiving abuse, could easily be a form a suicide. Too many women, either out of fear, or for economic reasons, or for the sake of the children, remain in abusive relationships. This is clearly a situation that does not require the abused, out of commitment to the marriage, to remain living with an abusive husband, for to do so could prove dangerous.

Likewise, if you, out of a desire to change the abusive behavior, do not hold the abuser accountable, you could inadvertently be an enabler, and be part of the worst kind of codependency. I once stopped my car at curbside, when I saw a man beating on a woman. It would have been unthinkable for me to continue driving, knowing this woman was in danger. After calling 911, I stepped between the man and woman, telling the man to back off (not something I’d recommend). Lucky for me I was able, probably because of my attire and size, to intimidate him into stepping back, until the police arrived. My point in telling this story is that there are times when justice must reign, and we must offer assistance to someone who is being abused.

Remaining in an abusive relationship is not required of a Christian woman, for such a toxic relationship is destructive for the soul, and potentially dangerous. Taking vengeance and striking back, is not the proper response, as this ignores the fact that the abuser is himself in grave danger, spiritually. He must be made to realize that he is sinning against God, and in need of anger management training, and in dire need of repentance. In an attempt to offer love and forgiveness to the person who is stuck in an abusive pattern, we could inadvertently be prolonging the day of their repentance. The person who is abusive does not need his wife to be his enabler, for in doing so there is the potential the relationship will be destructive for both parties.

The opposite of abuse is not found in permitting the evil to continue, for doing so allows the offender to remain in a perpetual state of sin. We must respond without anger, but permissiveness is not required when dealing with an abuser. We must cultivate a strong sense of right and wrong, and the desire to oppose evil, not out of passion, but out of righteousness. If the abuse is accompanied by a history of violence, the gravity of the offense most certainly does not require the abused to continue to live in the grip of the abuser. This can clearly be a situation that requires the abused to remove themselves, and their children, from the dangers of living with such a person. You have the right to defend yourself, your children, and your home, from those who would steal from you, abuse you with insults, or betray your friendship, and your marriage. Such people need not be allowed to remain in your life if their abuse threatens your peace of mind, and the safety of those who are in your charge.

One final note: All that I have written can also apply to men who suffer abuse at the hands of their wives. It does not make a man less of a man to seek help, but it is often much harder, given societal expectations of manhood.

With love in Christ,

Abbot Tryphon

Friday February 27, 2015 / February 14, 2015

First Week of the Great Lent. Tone four.

Great Lent. By Monastic Charter: Strict Fast (Bread, Vegetables, Fruits)

Venerable Auxentius, monk of Bithynia (470).

St. Cyril, Equal-to-the-Apostles, teacher of the Slavs (869).

St. Raphael, bishop of Brooklyn (1915).

New Hieromartyr Onisimus bishop of Tula (1937).

New Hieromartyr Tryphon deacon (1938).

Venerable Isaac, recluse of the Kiev Caves (1090).

12 Greek Master-Builders of the Dormition Cathedral in the Lavra of the Kievan Caves (11th C).

Translation of the relics of Prince-martyr Michael and his counselor, St. Theodore of Chernigov (1578).

Venerable Maron, hermit of Syria (423).

St. Abraham, bishop of Charres in Mesopotamia (ca. 423).

Hieromartyr Philemon, bishop of Gaza.

New Martyr George the Tailor of Mitylene, at Constantinople (1693) (Greek).

New Martyr Nicholas of Corinth (1554) (Greek).

St. Peter, patriarch of Alexandria (380).

New Monk-martyr Damian the New of Philotheou, who suffered at Larissa (1568).

St. Ilarion the Georgian of Imeretia and Mt. Athos (1854) (Georgia).

Scripture Readings

Isaiah 3:1-14

Judgment on Judah and Jerusalem

3 For behold, the Lord, the Lord of hosts,

Takes away from Jerusalem and from Judah

The stock and the store,

The whole supply of bread and the whole supply of water;

2 The mighty man and the man of war,

The judge and the prophet,

And the diviner and the elder;

3 The captain of fifty and the honorable man,

The counselor and the skillful artisan,

And the expert enchanter.

4 “I will give children to be their princes,

And babes shall rule over them.

5 The people will be oppressed,

Every one by another and every one by his neighbor;

The child will be insolent toward the elder,

And the base toward the honorable.”

6 When a man takes hold of his brother

In the house of his father, saying,

“You have clothing;

You be our ruler,

And let these ruins be under your power,”

7 In that day he will protest, saying,

“I cannot cure your ills,

For in my house is neither food nor clothing;

Do not make me a ruler of the people.”

8 For Jerusalem stumbled,

And Judah is fallen,

Because their tongue and their doings

Are against the Lord,

To provoke the eyes of His glory.

9 The look on their countenance witnesses against them,

And they declare their sin as Sodom;

They do not hide it.

Woe to their soul!

For they have brought evil upon themselves.

10 “Say to the righteous that it shall be well with them,

For they shall eat the fruit of their doings.

11 Woe to the wicked! It shall be ill with him,

For the reward of his hands shall be given him.

12 As for My people, children are their oppressors,

And women rule over them.

O My people! Those who lead you cause you to err,

And destroy the way of your paths.”

Oppression and Luxury Condemned

13 The Lord stands up to plead,

And stands to judge the people.

14 The Lord will enter into judgment

With the elders of His people

And His princes:

“For you have eaten up the vineyard;

The plunder of the poor is in your houses.

Genesis 2:20-3:20

20 So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.

21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

23 And Adam said:

“This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man.”

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

The Temptation and Fall of Man

3 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”

2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; 3 but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’”

4 Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

8 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

9 Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?”

10 So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

11 And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?”

12 Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”

13 And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

14 So the Lord God said to the serpent:

“Because you have done this,

You are cursed more than all cattle,

And more than every beast of the field;

On your belly you shall go,

And you shall eat dust

All the days of your life.

15 And I will put enmity

Between you and the woman,

And between your seed and her Seed;

He shall bruise your head,

And you shall bruise His heel.”

16 To the woman He said:

“I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;

In pain you shall bring forth children;

Your desire shall be for your husband,

And he shall rule over you.”

17 Then to Adam He said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’:

“Cursed is the ground for your sake;

In toil you shall eat of it

All the days of your life.

18 Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you,

And you shall eat the herb of the field.

19 In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread

Till you return to the ground,

For out of it you were taken;

For dust you are,

And to dust you shall return.”

20 And Adam called his wife’s name Eve, because she was the mother of all living.

Proverbs 3:19-34

19 The Lord by wisdom founded the earth;

By understanding He established the heavens;

20 By His knowledge the depths were broken up,

And clouds drop down the dew.

21 My son, let them not depart from your eyes—

Keep sound wisdom and discretion;

22 So they will be life to your soul

And grace to your neck.

23 Then you will walk safely in your way,

And your foot will not stumble.

24 When you lie down, you will not be afraid;

Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.

25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror,

Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;

26 For the Lord will be your confidence,

And will keep your foot from being caught.

27 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,

When it is in the power of your hand to do so.

28 Do not say to your neighbor,

“Go, and come back,

And tomorrow I will give it,”

When you have it with you.

29 Do not devise evil against your neighbor,

For he dwells by you for safety’s sake.

30 Do not strive with a man without cause,

If he has done you no harm.

31 Do not envy the oppressor,

And choose none of his ways;

32 For the perverse person is an abomination to the Lord,

But His secret counsel is with the upright.

33 The curse of the Lord is on the house of the wicked,

But He blesses the home of the just.

34 Surely He scorns the scornful,

But gives grace to the humble.