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Yo I been looking into my crystal balls and the future don’t look pretty for the Miami Heat. Unless Dwyane Wade decides to come back to have another retirement tour, our team is gonna be whack in 2020. But the NBA does something dope to give whack teams hope, the NBA draft lottery. This Tuesday they gonna give all the bad teams a chance to get the best college player Zion Williamson. But the street tells me the Heat only have a 1% chance to win the NBA draft lottery.

Desperate times says you gotta get gangster. Here’s some ways for the Miami Heat to improve their chances to win the NBA Draft Lottery.

Pay Off the NBA

Owner Mickey Arison been all cheap lately. Yo man you own Carnival Cruises. Time to be a big boy. Offer the head of the NBA Adam Silver one of your cruise ships. He’ll definitely give the Heat Zion for that. You got to spend money to make money.

Sic Udonis Haslem on Them

I been scratching my head wondering why Udonis Haslem is still on the Heat the last few years. The legend never plays. He just sits at the end of the bench, kicking it. Time to make UD earn them paychecks. Bring him up to the NBA Draft Lottery and ask the chiefs if they want a piece of Udonis. When they be like Wha?!?? Have Haslem pop them in the face. When they crying, you ask them if they want another piece of UD. When they be like No anything but that!!!!! You tell them Then when you do that lottery the only winners should be the Miami Heat and you because UD won’t be punching you in the nose no more.

Practice Santeria

My Titi Olga hooked Heat Nation up. She had me wearing white and putting pineapples all over my hood to make sure things work out for us. Only thing that’s been weird is ever since she came over to talk about getting Zion I haven’t seen my cat anywhere.