FORT HOOD, Texas – Witnesses confirmed members of the 1st Squadron, 3rd Cavalry Regiment’s Family Readiness Group thoroughly enjoyed asking single soldiers “So why aren’t you married” during last Saturday’s mandatory fun event at the Fort Hood Recreational Center.

Family Readiness Group Leader Stephanie Crompton noted, “I simply can’t fathom why Lieutenant Tom Stephens isn’t married. He never brings a date to these weekend mandatory fun gatherings. I can only assume he’s not married because he’s a closet homosexual.”

Witnesses describe a trio of single officers at the mandatory family gathering on Saturday—which catered primarily to junior enlisted soldiers, trashy spouses, and their rambunctious, hell-spawn children—awkwardly standing around in a circle and staring at their watches for the better part of an hour.

“I had plans to be blotto drunk in Austin, with a 90% probability of being balls-deep in a sorority girl from the University of Texas right now because, well, you can’t spell ‘slut’ without ‘UT’,” said one lieutenant, speaking to The Duffel Blog on the condition of anonymity.

“But no. I’m here for weekend mandatory fun. And I spent the better part of the morning setting up for this bullshit, too. God forbid we call in married people to set up the arrangements for their little brats.”

However, Lt. Col. Mike Crompton, the unit’s battalion commander, echoed the sentiments of his wife.

“I really don’t understand why these lieutenants never bring dates to the Hail and Farewell, the Dining In, Dining Out, Officer’s Call, Right Arm Night, the Christmas Party, Easter Egg Hunt, Organizational Day, or the quarterly golf tournament.”

“Personally, I like to tease all my single soldiers about this during monthly guy’s night out, which is a great day for us married guys to get away from our wives,” said Compton, with no small amount of envy towards the unit’s unmarried troops.