From affairs of state and marriage to the hunt for happiness and a healthy bank balance (they're not the same), GQ's wise guy - and his guru, Manila Chuck - outlines the rules for an alpha annus mirabilis

1 The man who strays eventually gets caught. The woman who strays eventually falls in love. 2 Learn exactly how much you can drink without losing your temper, your wallet or your erection. Learn this as quickly as possible. 3 Never take drugs, talk about politics or go down on someone just to be polite. 4 Never covet thy neighbour's wife - unless thou wants to screweth up four lives (not including the lives of the children and domestic pets). 5 It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one. 6 Porn is the opposite of sex. You can have an addiction to porn. Or you can have a sex life. But it's difficult to have both. 7 When you get back from the gym, you must immediately pack your kitbag for the next time. Because it doesn't end. It never ends. 8 Don't expect the state to do a thing for you. Ask what you can do for yourself, not what your country can do for you. 9 There is a reason why a personal trainer will always get you fitter than you can get yourself- it is not rational to be pushed in the manner that a personal trainer will push you. 10 "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission" - my good friend, Manila Chuck. 11 Our greatest illusion is that happiness will come if only we can get that woman, that job, that house, that car, that prize. But true happiness always resides in the quest. 12 Weapons. After the riots, you probably think that you need one. But if you want a weapon, then get one that will not immediately get you sent to jail. Also, get a weapon that will not be easy to take away from you. A weapon is no good if it gets you locked up or if someone takes it from you and sticks it up your back passage. If you keep a weapon in the house, try to choose one that is easy to reach, easy to use and yet difficult to take away from you. Baseball bats are our comfort blankets in this age of anxiety, but try swinging one on a staircase. The only thing baseball bats are really good for is playing baseball. The rules for weapons are: keep it legal, keep it simple, and keep it by the side of the bed. 13 Pain is just weakness leaving the body. 14 When you feel nostalgic for an old lover, always remember they do not look as hot as that any more.

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1 You should weigh yourself once a day. Less than that and you are letting yourself go. More than that and you are probably either a professional boxer or a member of the Saturdays. But it is only when you weigh yourself every day that you realise everything counts - the hours in the gym, the food delivered to your door, the empty calories of alcohol, the sit-ups and the snacks. Putting on a kilo a year makes you old. 2 Earn money before you spend it. The countries that invented capitalism forgot that wealth has to be created before it can be distributed. 3 As you get older, you become much fussier about who you sleep with. But this is not necessarily the same as becoming a better person. 4 It is all right to cry, but don't make a habit of it. You do not have to reserve your tears for the big stuff. You do not have to wait for a parent to die or for your own diagnosis of terminal disease - it is perfectly acceptable to be deeply moved by a song, or a film, or a news item. But remember that no woman ever wants to see a man cry.It always secretly sickens and shocks them. 5 The worst thing about having children is that you are never truly free again. The best thing about having children is that you will never have a better reason to be alive. 6 Men are, by nature, more promiscuous than women. But a woman who is newly in love is wilder than any man could ever be.

Unfaithful married men are often cut to the bone when their faithful wife suddenly falls hard for some new man. Because she will do anything for him.

1 Soft drinks should be consumed as sparingly as hard liquor.

Soft drinks are one of the main reasons why America got fat. Drink lots of tea - a winning combination of boiled water, sugar and caffeine that built an empire. Drink tea, build your own private empire. And when you drink coffee, drink it short and black - espressos or macchiatos. Cappuccinos and lattes are bad. You should never have a gut full of milk unless you are either a baby or a cow.

1 It is good to remember old lovers with affection. But don't get too sentimental or you will end up dragging the dead carcass of that relationship around the block one more time. Remember her with love in your heart. But also, as Graham Greene wrote, remember the bad times (see 23). 2 It is always healthy to remember the bad times. When you are in a monogamous relationship, you will long for your promiscuous years. When you are living wild, you will get nostalgic for when there was someone waiting for you at home. But every life has its limitations and its drawbacks. So when you are free, remember how stifled you felt being in a relationship. And when you are settled, remember how unhappy promiscuity made you in the end. Always count your blessings of the here and now. And remember the bad times.

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1 "The only thing I ask of my government is to leave me the f*** alone" - Manila Chuck. 2 You should earn more than your woman. And if you don't earn more than her at the moment, then try working weekends. Earning more than your woman is not sexist or old-fashioned - it is an act of love. 3 It is much easier to break someone's jaw if their mouth is open. This is why boxers are taught to bite down hard on their gum shield and breathe through their nose. When Reggie and Ronnie Kray wanted to break someone's jaw, they first gave them a cigarette and offered a light. The Krays were both proficient boxers and knew the perils of having an open mouth. Your mouth should never be open unless you have something interesting to say. 4 The only success that matters is being able to live the life that you want. This does not mean that there will never be failure, disappointment or more work than you can handle. Living the life you want means you will still be regularly visited by all of these.

And yet it will always be worth it.

1 You know that you are truly in love when you are shocked to be waking up without her by your side. 2 Eye contact. Eye contact with everyone. Eye contact and a big smile. These small, good things will transform your world.

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1 "Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem" - Walt Whitman. 2 Men fear commitment because we think if we do not give our hearts away, then we will stay free. But if he forever walks alone, a man does not become free. He becomes lost. This does not mean that you shouldn't shop around. Women rarely understand that you can't commit to all of them. 3 Money buys you the one thing that is really worth buying - time. Poverty makes a prisoner of every man. But if you love money too much, you're worse than a prisoner, you're a slave. 4 "God wants everybody to be happy, even the assholes" -

Manila Chuck.

1 When his work feels just like his play, a man is a king. 2 Don't worry - you will get a second chance to get everything right. Even if it all goes wrong - the marriage, the career, the life - you get a chance to try again. But you don't get a third chance. A lifetime is just not long enough for a third chance. 3 A boy's life is largely about seeking sexual encounters. A man's life is largely about avoiding them. 4 Today could be the day you meet the love of your life. She is out there. You just haven't met her yet. The chances are, you never will. But there are millions of fabulous women in the world who you could love. Even if they will never be her.

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1 Eat what you like when you are at home but be conservative on the road. Long-haul flights and shellfish can be a catastrophic mix. 2 "It takes guts to be gentle and kind" - the Smiths. 3 You decide if you are going to succeed or fail. It is a personal decision. Luck does not come into it. The decision process goes by many names - creative visualisation, neuro-linguistic programming, the power of positive thinking, self-hypnosis - but it all comes back to the same thing. If you tell yourself you are going to do something well, and you tell yourself until you can actually see yourself doing it well, then you will. And if you picture yourself lumbering towards the cold sweat of failure, then success is an impossibility. Believe in yourself. Be your own greatest ally. Do not let negative thoughts into your mind. There will be enough people in your life who will be only too eager to underestimate you, to denigrate you, to put you down. Never do it to yourself. 4 Your body will tell you when it is time to see a doctor.

Only a fool doesn't listen to his body.

1 Always treat your parents as if they are close friends who are soon to move to a distant land from where it will be impossible ever to return. Never take them for granted, no matter how busy life gets. You can't imagine your mother and father dying. And then they do.

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1 Everyone makes stupid mistakes. Laugh about them. When we are young and new to restaurants, we all order steak tartare and then get shocked when a plate of bloody, uncooked meat arrives. But like all other stupid mistakes, you should only order steak tartare once. 2 A little of what you fancy will always do you good - unless what you fancy is crack. 3 Never get drunk the night before you catch a plane, go to the gym or make love to someone for the first time. 4 Prepare yourself for every task you face. Really prepare - you're too old to be doing your homework on the bus. When the time comes, be ready. As they say in boxing: train hard, fight easy. 5 If you knew how long you were going to live, you would take better care of yourself. <div> 6 Pay your way. Buy your round. Be generous to the point of absurdity. Avoid those who go to the loo when the bill arrives. No matter how much money they have, these are cheap people. 7 Never bicker with your neighbours, your work colleagues or your girlfriend. Leave if you want. Go somewhere else. Find a new neighbour, job or girl. But never bicker. 8 There will be one night in your life when you turn up for a black-tie event in a lounge suit. And there will be another time you are instructed to wear a lounge suit (or tracksuit) but you arrive in black tie. We all mess it up sometimes. When it happens, you just have to butch it out. 9 The big lie: everything happens for a reason. 10 The rule about finding the perfect age for your partner is to divide your own age in half and then add seven. This seems to work. Especially if you are a woman. 11 Never skimp on shoes.

Originally published in the January 2012 issue of British GQ.

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