I believe that sometime between 1996 and 2007 Donald J. Trump switched bodies with a goldfish. I don’t know how. It might have been a “Big” situation, where a wish was made at a carnival sideshow. It could quite easily have been a storybook witch-curse. It doesn’t matter how, as much as it matters that it did.

And it definitely did.

I used to think that this presidency has been an unmitigated disaster. I used to think his very presence in the oval office was a blow to basic human decency. But you have to admit, if what I’m saying here is true, all things considered, this goldfish is doing really well.

How do I know that Donal Trump actually switched bodies with a goldfish? I don’t have any hard evidence, but there are signs and clues for those willing to look a little deeper. But not, like, a LOT deeper. Actually, not really that deep at all.

I’ll break this down into two categories:

1) Physical appearance, mannerisms, and gestures.

2) Ideology (or lack there of).

Here we go.

Physical Appearance, Mannerisms, and Gestures. Before I get started here I just want to make clear that I’m not trying to belittle Trump for his appearance, and I’m not trying to shame the goldfish piloting the president’s physical form. Honestly, I’m really impressed with how far he’s managed to get in life as a goldfish masquerading as a man. More importantly, I’m very sensitive to the fact that a goldfish trapped for decades in a human form would probably start to feel some pretty serious dysmorphia. I have compassion for what this fish is going through. That said, here goes…

Hair: Trump has perfectly coiffed his hair into a fabulous and flamboyant orange fish-tail. I’ve read, or heard, that his hair ends up that soft golden color because he’s trying to dye it darker, but gets impatient. Of course he’d want to try to return to his usual orange hue, but he’s got the patience of a goldfish. Even if he’s having it professionally dyed, he’s probalby not able to sit for the full procedure.

Trump has perfectly coiffed his hair into a fabulous and flamboyant orange fish-tail. I’ve read, or heard, that his hair ends up that soft golden color because he’s trying to dye it darker, but gets impatient. Of course he’d want to try to return to his usual orange hue, but he’s got the patience of a goldfish. Even if he’s having it professionally dyed, he’s probalby not able to sit for the full procedure. Fish-lips: I have wondered for years why Trump is often puckering his lips like he’s about to take one of those “duck-face” selfies. But if you look at it understanding that he’s actually a goldfish, it makes perfect sense. He’s just making the same face he would under normal circumstances, but instead of making this face while swimming around a tank, booping the glass walls, he’s saying racist shit at a rally in Ohio. This was actually the first sign that lead me to suspect he might be a goldfish.

I have wondered for years why Trump is often puckering his lips like he’s about to take one of those “duck-face” selfies. But if you look at it understanding that he’s actually a goldfish, it makes perfect sense. He’s just making the same face he would under normal circumstances, but instead of making this face while swimming around a tank, booping the glass walls, he’s saying racist shit at a rally in Ohio. This was actually the first sign that lead me to suspect he might be a goldfish. Spray-Tan: Trump obsessively dyes himself orange. This is huge. If a goldfish were looking to alleviate the dysmorphic pain of being in human-drag, spray-tan would be so enticing. It’s mostly socially acceptable which provides a good excuse for why he’s trying to make himself as orange as possible: just like a goldfish. As a single piece of evidence this might not bridge the gap between “Sprays himself an odd color orange” and “Is definitely a goldfish in the body of a man trying to play it cool.” but taken in context, this is an important clue.

Trump obsessively dyes himself orange. This is huge. If a goldfish were looking to alleviate the dysmorphic pain of being in human-drag, spray-tan would be so enticing. It’s mostly socially acceptable which provides a good excuse for why he’s trying to make himself as orange as possible: just like a goldfish. As a single piece of evidence this might not bridge the gap between “Sprays himself an odd color orange” and “Is definitely a goldfish in the body of a man trying to play it cool.” but taken in context, this is an important clue. Flippers/Fins: When he speaks, DT waves his arms in front of himself like flippers. Enough said. Donald Trump talks with his hands like one might imagine a goldfish would if it were suddenly and unexpectedly given hands. Especially without having had the chance to really get a strong feeling of what “hands” even were…

2. Ideology. This one was hard because at first I thought “DT HAS no ideology, morality, ethical code, or behavioral compass.” After thinking about this for several months, however, I realize that this is EXACTLY how a goldfish would behave if it suddenly found itself in a human body and had to figure it out on the fly.

He’s not literate. No joke. Samantha B was the first to publicly tackle this one on her show in 2017. She makes a solid case for him not being able to read. A goldfish would not be able to read. Perhaps Trump, before the switch, could read, but the fish definitely can not.

Trump also “yes-ands” anyone in front of him. This is a good tactic to take if you’re usually a fish and not well versed in how the world actually operates outside the extremely limiting confines of a glass bowl of water. Of COURSE he doesn’t have a consistent ideology, he’s a fish! For a fish, this makes all the sense in the world. How can you begin to learn about morality this late in the game? Best to just agree with whatever someone is saying to you and add some bluster. He’s made it this far on bravado and bluster and honestly, I’m really impressed. I don’t know what will happen once more people start to realize that he’s definitely a goldfish trapped in a human form. Maybe he’ll be impeached? Or the whole election will be annulled, because technically a fish can’t be president? In any case, I challenge Donald Trump to prove that he is NOT a goldfish trapped in a man’s body, doing a kind of cheap clown-performance pretending to be that man.

What about the real Donald Trump? If my theory is true, the real Donald Trump probably died years ago. Goldfish do not tend to live very long, unless well cared for and given ample room to grow. It is possible that he is a very old koi somewhere, eating duck moss and bread crumbs. In my compassionate moments, I hope that this is true, that he’s lived out his days in a beautiful and well-maintained water feature somewhere. In my darker moments, I think the worst, that perhaps he was flushed into the sewer and spent his final days suffocating in shit. In my darkest moments I think the fish controlling him might be steering us all towards the same fate.