Fellas, if you’re just a little too into Mrs. Incredible’s ass, you may already be gay

NOTE: This post has been updated with more on Roosh and butts.

By David Futrelle

Roosh Valizadeh is the internationally recognized expert in how to have sex with women who tell you “no” thirty times, yet not be formally charged with rape. Apparently he has also become an expert in the etiology of homosexuality, at least of the male sort.

In a new video he warns straight men of one largely unrecognized danger to male heterosexuality: women’s butts. Because, you see, women’s butts are a slippery slope. If you like them a little too much, you’re already well on your way to liking men’s butts, and you know where that ends.

In his video, posted to Twitter yesterday, Roosh “officially declare[s]” himself to be all about boobs,

because being a butt man is just a gateway to homosexual activity. I say no to the back hole. … I’ve never done anal sex in my entire life, I swear.

Sir, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.

A couple girls have gently inquired if I wanted to. I said “no way!” I know what comes out of that hole, that back hole, because I’ve got a back hole too. It’s gross. There’s doo-doo there.

Love to learn about sex from someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of “no” and who can’t refer to anal sex without weird and/or babyish euphemisms.

While it may come as a shock to Roosh, who has previously complained about having to wipe his ass thoroughly before going on a date, the “back hole” is not actually that gross of a place if it’s properly cleaned and your bowels are in good working order. The rectum — the portion of the human doo-doo system nearest the exit where most anal sex takes place — is a passageway,, not a warehouse, and generally you’re not going to find more than trace amounts of doo-doo in there.

I mean, dude, if you don’t want to risk any doo-doo exposure at all, that’s your business, but at least read a pamphlet on the subject before opining about it.

What, did you use a plunger, whatever, a scrubber to get all the fecal matter there? You didn’t do that, so why am I going to put my benis in there.

Yes, he called it a “benis.”

I’m not stupid. I shower every day. I’m clean. Why would I put my benis in a butt.

Yes, he called it a “benis” again.

That’s crazy. Well if I was watching anal sex porn all day, maybe I would do it. But I don’t.

Here’s the video itself, just in case you thought I was making all this up.

https://twitter.com/rooshv/status/1089683819714760704

As you may have noticed, in this video Roosh doesn’t actually explain why any of this will turn straight men gay. But happily for us the Twitterer known as Wild Geerters has posted a video — another excerpt from the same nearly-three-hour video that the video above came from — in which Roosh spells out this logic in more detail.

Roosh watched a Cardi B music video and he thinks it's part of a conspiracy to make him gay because there's lots of female butts in it pic.twitter.com/yEzUgiAOnn — Wild Geerters (@classiclib3ral) January 28, 2019

In case you don’t want to spend another two minutes of your life listening to Roosh, here’s what he says:

Guess what? Not only women have butts. but men too. It’s interchangeable. … If I can sexualize the butt to you, and then feed you free porn of anal sex, do you know what I have done? I have acclimatized you, warmed you up, to homosexual sex., cause a man can have a big butt too.

There’s a lot going on there, huh? But I guess I’ll just note the rather obvious point that gay guys also have oral sex, so is straight blowjob porn a gateway drug to dude-on-dude sex too?

Actually, come to think of it, gay guys do all sorts of sexual things together that straight people also do, from kissing to handjobs to, well, all sorts of far more exotic things, and there’s porn showing all of this. Hell, there are porn videos of guys sitting alone jerking themselves off. Are we back to the idea that when a straight guy masturbates he’s actually being gay because he’s jerking off a man’s penis, albeit his own?

None of this has apparently ever occurred to Roosh. He continues:

A hole’s a hole, right? You’ve got that female booty hole. A man has it too.

Well, I can’t argue with that. Last I checked, I do indeed have a butthole, and I believe this is common amongst men.

We’re going to put that butt in your face. We’re gonna create sexual desire of the butt — so that we can now interchange it, and you won’t even notice. … Your lust for the butt will be satisfied, whether it’s from a woman or a man.

And apparently this is bad?

Why do you think anal sex in porn is so popular?

I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because people like butts?

But Roosh thinks there’s a far darker reason.

Do you think it’s an accident? Do you think it’s taboo? No! There’s an agenda behind it.

Yep. Behind the behind, there’s an agenda. A butt agenda. One that I can only assume that Roosh, given his long history of antisemitism, blames on The Jews.

And apparently patient zero of this butt agenda is the video for the song “Twerk,” by City Girls with Cardi B.

That’s why you have a three-minute video of only butts. Did you eve notice, was there a breast in it? Girls were wearing bikini tops, but the camera didn’t focus on that. You don’t remember one breast from that clip. But you remember all the jiggling butts, ass to ass.

Having just watched this video literally two minutes ago for the first time, yes, I do remember the jiggling butts in it. And while I’ve seen numerous asses in this world that could easily belong to someone of any gender, I’ve never seen a man’s ass that looks even remotely like the huge, round, jiggly asses in this video. As a straight-man-to-gay-man conversion tool, it looks like a complete and utter failure. If it can be proved that this video has turned even one single man gay, I will publicly eat my cats.

Turns out Roosh is nearly as bad a conspiracy theorist as he is a sex expert.

H/T — Natalie Wynn (@ContraPoints) on Twitter

NOTE: This post was significantly revised to add that second video.

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