After three long years, order is finally restored in Los Angeles. The smog is clearer, the dehydrated lawns are a little less brown, and that line to the Bungalow Thursday night seems a couple minutes shorter. Everything is better in LA when USC is on top.

The Victory Bell is back in its true home—and with its fresh paint job. Everyone knows a southern belle looks great in red.

I will name my first born (boy or girl) Tommy if it helps get #USC a rematch against Stanford in the PAC-12 Title Game #tommytrojan — Chris (@CScondi) October 16, 2015

Really looking forward to my first child Tommy (or Tomi)! And by looking forward, I mean in 7-10 years depending on if my Trojans are able to #FightOn and keep my swimmers away from the finish line.

Now, I don’t want to take all the credit for the win last Saturday, but to say I didn’t assist in any way would be unreasonable. If I knew my prayers would be answered, I would have asked for a little bit more. But it’s good to know I have an in with the football gods. If I pledge to do some community service this holiday season, I could probably get a couple of Stanford turnovers or a special teams’ touchdown.

This week we head up north to the “Field of Jeans,” also known as Levi’s Stadium for the Pac-12 Championship Game. Our opponent is a familiar face, as we rematch against the “Sultans of Start-Ups,” the “Nerds of Nor-Cal,” the “Dorks of Disrupt,” the Stanford Cardinal. The winner goes to the Rose Bowl. The only time Stanford students should be seeing roses is when they are watching the Bachelor, because odds are none of them have ever been on a date themselves.

Recap

The Good

USC's Adoree' Jackson returns a punt 42yd for a TD. #UCLAvsUSC pic.twitter.com/1LqJNI7Fmz — RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) November 28, 2015

Punting to Adoree’ from your end zone is basically a guaranteed touchdown. If teams were smart they’d let the ball sail past their heads and take the safety. Or you know, kick it out of bounds.

A wide receiver not named JuJu with a highlight play? Rodgers’ reach for the TD was a bigger stretch than if this blog transitioned into Bachelor recaps.

Nothing is greater than a Fat Guy Touchdown. You can tell he could see the free buffet in the Audi Club and that gave him an extra speed boost. This definitely makes him a candidate for Piesman trophy.

You know what an synonym for the “Chosen One” is? The “Picked One!” Rosen and his nosen had a rough game giving up three turnovers, including two interceptions to Iman Marshall. Contrary to popular belief, iMan is not a new Apple product designed to conquer college quarterbacks.

USC took over leading 33-21 with 13:04 remaining. It possessed the ball for 12:31 to UCLA's 33 seconds for the remainder of the game. — Shotgun Spratling (@ShotgunSpr) November 29, 2015

Our time possession treated UCLA like that kid our parents forced us to hang out with when we were young. We invite him over to play video games, but didn’t give up the controller until we were done with it. And by the time that happens, his mom is waiting outside in the minivan.

#USC RB Justin Davis (@JD_22bsm) had 130 yards on 25 carries with 100 yards in the 4th quarter. pic.twitter.com/zGFGcIncip — Ryan Abraham (@insidetroy) November 29, 2015

Justin Davis had 130 yards rushing, with 100 coming in the fourth quarter. Justin was basically a high school student that joined clubs and extracurricular activities his senior year to help pad his college application.

Great win U S. C. Take the city bac. 🏈🌹✨🌟 https://t.co/6b1QvlcSdj pic.twitter.com/sYL4eWXc9k — Snoop Dogg (@SnoopDogg) November 29, 2015

You know your program is on the rise when Snoop Dogg jumps on your bandwagon. Last week Snoop was wearing an Iowa sweatshirt; this week he’s posting a picture of when he practiced with the Trojans. We won’t fully be back until Drake is on our sidelines.

The Bad

Not much here

#USC center Khaliel Rodgers suffered a high ankle sprain vs. UCLA early in first quarter. He's questionable for Stanford. — Adam Maya (@AdamJMaya) November 30, 2015

Another game. Another injury. USC is now down to our fourth-string center. We are getting to the point where our centers have never had a quarterbacks’ hands on their ass.

I started filming a play yesterday as the Coliseum erupted with "We Are SC" chants. I've never heard it louder. #USC pic.twitter.com/6fsGUOGqLv — Keely Eure (@keelyismyname) November 30, 2015

In the fourth quarter, the Coliseum erupted in a “We are SC” chant that forced a false start. Unfortunately, the Trojans had the football. Know the situation people.

Interim Coach Clay Helton

This week Clay Helton was announced as permanent head coach for the USC Trojans. Many were displeased, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t like the hire. Do you want to know why?

Because the players love the hire. And let’s be honest, Jesus Christ could have decided to coach USC and you would have found a way to complain about his resume. Yeah, he walked on water, but what was that water’s strength of schedule? He was only able to recruit 12 disciples! The Last Supper wasn’t within NCAA regulations! He was crucified with sanctions!

Let’s learn a little more about Clay.

Clay Helton apologizes for not being ‘glitzy’ but says it’s the blue-collar mentality that has won #USC championships in the past. — Lindsey Thiry (@LindseyThiry) November 30, 2015

Clay Helton is a pretty bland guy. In the land of fame excess, he’s a beige cardigan.

Helton on the support he's gotten, "I didn't know my phone could vibrate that much over a 7 week period of time." #USC — Keely Eure (@keelyismyname) November 30, 2015

Like the writer of this blog, Clay Helton is a fan of self deprecation. He must know it’s a great way to throw people off their flaws like slow starts in the first quarter or glaring grammatical and spelling errors.

"This place was founded on a blue-collar toughness…I believe that that blue-collar mentality is what wins championships." — Reign of Troy (@ReignofTroy) November 30, 2015

This will be tough for Clay. The only blue collar mentality I’ve seen in LA is usually sitting outside a Home Depot or constructing expensive student housing in University Village.

Helton: "I totally understand that I'm not a flashy name. but I don't want to be flashy. Never have been, never will be." #USC — Adam Maya (@AdamJMaya) November 30, 2015

Clay Helton is like the girl best friend in high school comedies that the guy ends up with in the end. He’s not flashy like the popular cheerleader but he’s dependable and actually wants to be with you.

List of active P5 HCs promoted within staff: Dabo, Jimbo, Gundy, Patterson, Holgo, Cubit, Claeys, Fitz, Helfrich, Shaw, Whittingham, Helton. — Paul Myerberg (@PaulMyerberg) November 30, 2015

Clay’s is in some pretty good company here. Glad we’ve decided to diverge away from the Pete Carroll coaching tree which has less successful branches than Dunder-Mifflin.

Clay Helton gives USC stability. The only issue I’ve had with the hire was why it was done now. It just makes the whole process seem rushed and careless. But in reality, USC probably couldn’t gauge any interest from NFL and NCAA coaches for the job because of how disastrous the program has been the past three years. Our last coach was fired and sent to rehab and the one before that was left on the LAX tarmac like a rolling suitcase with a broken wheel. People forget that USC was the original “Deflategate”. It’s hard to convince someone to leave their job to enter an environment like that. Helton has been here the whole time and has dealt with all the drama with ease. We don’t know how high his ceiling can be, but he was the best option to allow the team to grow and evolve.

Game Preview

Team: Stanford Cardinal

Previous Match Up: Stanford 41 – USC 31

Stanford and USC have previously played this year in a game that highlighted all of the Trojan’s flaws. So many penalties were thrown against USC, that refs could skip their next couple of bicep workouts. The defense couldn’t stop a nosebleed and Stanford held the ball for so long, it started to develop Stockholm’s syndrome.

Record: 10-2 (Ranked #7)

With a little luck, Stanford is a win away from being in the College Football Playoff. This means there will probably blow this game. Stanford are low-key choke artists. They are two last second field goals away from being an 8-4 team. You only given a finite amount of luck to use per season. Too bad that Luck isn’t Andrew.

Fans

Stanford broke the unwritten rule AGAIN by storming the field after being favored against Notre Dame last week. It’s like the majority of their fan base has never ran on a grass field before.

This week, Stanford students created an algorithm that tells you when to start pregaming Congratulations, you’ve found a way to ruin drinking. If there is one thing I don’t want to do after cracking open a beer, it’s math. The only number that matters at any pregame is the girl to guy ratio.

Want to know how to pregame properly? Step one: start drinking. Step two: don’t stop drinking until the party starts. Leave it to Silicon Valley to try to complicate the simplest things like ordering food, or getting a taxi.

The Band

Looks like it is Stanford “Unbanned”. Stanford is scheduled to attend the Pac-12 Championship after being banned from away games due to hazing violations. Guess they finally will get to use those wacky costumes they bought from Party City. Good thing because there’s no way there were getting invited to a themed party anytime soon.

If I were USC alum and Tinder CEO Sean Rad, I’d probably avoid watching the halftime show because the band is going to have a field day over your recent interviews. Definitely swipe left on the whole thing.

David Shaw

“Shaw is the most boring coach in the NCAA and his coaching styles match his personality.” – Sports by Scondi

Shaw is still as boring as ever. I almost fell asleep at the wheel listening to an interview of his on the commute home. Although, he has spiced up his play calling. After the 15th straight run play, he calls a play action pass to the tight end!

Kevin Hogan

“Kevin Hogan is the family car that finally gets handed down to you when you get your license. All the nostalgia you have makes you ignore the fact that the windows don’t really roll all the way down and that it gets 12 miles to the gallon” – Sports by Scondi

This car has run so well without problems this year that it actually got passed down to your younger sister. The interior is starting to peel and it’s making weird noises when it goes down hill, but it’s still finding a way to get you to school on time.

Christian McCaffrey

“The Cardinal backfield is heavily influenced by nepotism. Their starting running backs are Christian McCafferey (son of former Broncos widereciever Ed McCafferey), and Barry Sanders Jr. (should be extremely obvious).” – Sports by Scondi

The last time I insulted Christian McCaffrey (he doesn’t like it when you compare him to his father), he discretely gave me and my friends the double birds and proceeded to return a kickoff past midfield.

McCaffrey is without a doubt the best player in the nation this year and should win the Heisman but no one has noticed. Mainly because no one cares about Stanford football and most of his games are past Skip Bayless’ bedtime.

I initially thought McCaffrey got into Stanford due to nepotism, but it is clearly because of his athletic abilities. And not quite his academics.

How did this happen? Stanford only accepts students with ACT scores of 31 or above. Are you telling me the prestigious school of Stanford that prides themselves on academics looked the other way on a player’s grades because he’s good at football? I for one am shocked. SHOCKED. USC students generally have over a 29 ACT score so you know there’s no way USC even tried to recruit him. I’m glad that SOME people actually take academics seriously.

I hope he tears his Mc-CALF-frey

Special Teams

Need the footage of this kicker interview ASAP #bloodyrivalry pic.twitter.com/PTvYUS6Zbh — Feitelberg (@FeitsBarstool) November 29, 2015

Pretty bold move with the facial hair. Not sure the “one mutton chop” look is going to catch on. At least his kick was more successful than his “No Shave November”.

What’s the Line? (-4.5)

Record: (3-9)

Take Stanford with the points. This is going to be a close one.

Prediction

Since it’s a primetime game, it’s pretty simple what Stanford’s game plan will be: give the ball to McCaffrey a billion times so he gets an invite to New York for the Heisman ceremony and will be able to give a round of applause when Derrick Henry wins.

USC should be lucky we’ve gotten this far. With all the drama that has happened this year, no one would expect we’d be playing for the Pac-12 title and a Rose Bowl berth. We are essentially playing with house money or as a Stanford student would put it, “Series A Funding.”

Having said that, there’s nothing I would like more than to ruin the Cardinal’s season.

This is going to be a close game. Our run defense has been phenomenal the past couple of weeks but we haven’t faced a threat like McCaffrey. Our secondary showed it can play well against a decent quarterback. Our offensive front is a patched up island of misfit lineman but has provided holes for our talented running backs to make plays. Cody has played mistake free football for the most part but will need to take more risks deep in this game.

Basically the Trojans have to play a near perfect game to win. They will need to control the time of possession, force pressure on Hogan, and contain McCaffrey. If we win the turnover battle, we win the game.

No one wants us to win this game. No one thinks we can win this game. Which is perfect, because we are.

USC 35 Stanford 31

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Steven, Tommy, and James

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places