MALACAÑANG PALACE — President Rodrigo Duterte announced his “groundbreaking” solution to the controversy following his erroneous announcement last Wednesday that the chief of police in Malabang Town, Lanao Del Sur, was beheaded by the terrorists involved in the Marawi Clash.

Police Senior Inspector Romeo Enriquez told the Philippine Inquirer by phone last Thursday that he was “still alive.”

“Let’s put this military intel issue to rest. There’s a simple solution, you know? I will call my cousins in ISIS,” said Duterte in an emergency press conference on Saturday evening, referring to the relatives he previously announced to be members of the terrorist group.

“I’m sorry, tao lang ako. (I am only human) We all make these mistakes, you know? I have the P2 Billion intelligence fund. Why make our lives harder? You have this, you know, simple solution. I’ll just pick up the phone.”

The Philippine Government previously allotted an intelligence gathering fund of P2.5 Billion for 2017 after Duterte assumed office, a move questioned by lawmakers and the public alike.

“We are Filipinos, after all. Even if you work for the ISIS. This, you know – our family relations should transcend the religion and the politics,” added the President.

General Eduardo Año, AFP Chief of Staff, could only shake his head in disbelief when interviewed for comment by SGRP after the press conference.

Meanwhile, Assistant Communications Secretary Mocha Uson decried the controversy caused by the President’s Wednesday announcement, insisting that Senior Insp. Enriquez was “actually dead,” and that the Inquirer interviewed a “fake account na bayaran ng yellow tae.” (paid by the Liberal Party)

“Bahagi lang ito ng plot ni Fake VP Leni, De Lima, Trillanes, at pang yellow tae na i-destabilize ang Pilipinas. Mag-ingat, mga ka-DDS!,” urged Uson.

Report by Malacañang Press Corpse.