So I was scavenging left over food today in the food graveyard that is the middle of my work’s breakroom table. I am fairly certain food that has found itself here probably has not moved since the Bill Clinton administration, but I was both hungry and unconcerned with my general overall digestive health. Honestly you could stick dehydrated, smoked and pickled dirt found on the underside of a pig from the 14th century in front of me, and if you said it was free, I’d be on that more than Anthony Wiener at an online porn name generator.

Anyway, I thought I had scored the creme de la creme of orphaned random food with a bag of chocolate cookies. That is, till I saw that they were those 100 calorie packs of things portrayed as snack food that humans should eat, but that turn out looking more like the space droppings of intergalactic aliens from Mars. But being both hungry and a denier of the possibility of alien life, I tore open the bag anyway. Inside were what were supposed to be chocolate chip cookies but appeared more like the plaster-cast footsteps of Bigfoot mini-creatures.

Let us just leave out the fact that the cookies were completely flat, which is a cardinal sin of cookie-ness according to the gospel of Nabisco®. What was most disturbing was the chocolate like substance smashed and smeared across the surface, as if the worker making them needed to take out his decades old anger at being picked last for dodgeball in his fifth grade gym class.

America has acquired the stereotypical reputation of its citizens having the tendency to resemble what supersizing as a bodyshape would look like. Yet if I might defend the reasons for the piles of human goo, many diet “foods” most closely taste like the chemical byproducts of outdoor toilets. Of course, I weep for the fact that there are American food companies who think you can make a diet form of a college meal food group.

Rather than figuring out how to turn a cheeseburger into a great big pile of greasy, grimy, gopher parts that comes in under 50 calories, we should be investing in making vegetables and fruits into things not just created to give the dog, or animated smart-aleck rabbit characters that liked to know what people were up to, something to chew on. There are hundreds of thousands of different ways to eat healthy with really tasty stuff. Rather than being led to believe the quadruple bacon, fried onion, pig grease, double heart bypass burger’s health effects can be negated by a 700 ounce diet carbonated brown paste water substance that is called “pop,“ we can be introduced to eating average sized meals and doing a thing called exercising. But it remains to be seen how we might be able to accomplish that. Until then, its back to the break room table of abandoned food circa 1992.

I’m pretty sure I just had a bag of chips tell me to vote for Ross Perot.