Glendon Wasey (Sean Penn). And yes, that does rhyme with “Swayze”. Sean Penn drunkenly mumbles his way through this period caper (acting about as “period” as Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai), getting wrapped up in a plot to steal opium, or maybe jewels, or maybe an autographed baseball. I honestly have no idea, and I don’t think Sean did, either. (Sean Penn). And yes, that does rhyme with “Swayze”. Sean Penn drunkenly mumbles his way through this period caper (acting about as “period” as Tom Cruise in), getting wrapped up in a plot to steal opium, or maybe jewels, or maybe an autographed baseball. I honestly have no idea, and I don’t think Sean did, either.

Gloria Tatlock (Madonna). The (Madonna). The Razzie Awards ‘ honoree for Worst Actress of the 20th Century deftly plays against type as a missionary. Get it? Madonna, of all people, playing a missionary! Isn’t that hilarious? Sadly, this character description is funnier than most of the movie.