4 March, 2016. 10:34

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A COLLECTIVE OF BAR AND CLUB OWNERS from Sydney’s Oxford Street precinct have lashed out at claims made by Brisbane Broncos centre James Roberts that he has more speed that the notorious nocturnal mile.

Last night, the 23-year-old was instrumental in the River City’s triumph over the Paramatta Eels, winning 17-4 at Pirtek Stadium.

That’s little solace for Gavyn Boykiss, the former owner of The Gaff nightclub, an infamous cesspit where people from all walks of life were able to sin heavily all night.

“He might be from Kempsey and he might play rugby league, but come on honey, there’s no way you’ve got more speed than Oxford Street,” said Boykiss.

“I could walk twenty metres down the road with a $50 note and come back with enough crank to raise the Queen Mother from the grave.”

Moments after Roberts made the controversial statement, Channel 9 cut back to the commentary desk, where league immortal and popular mischief maker Andrew Johns was seen to be amused by what was said.

“He’s just a kid,” laughed Johns.

“I spent many nights with my piggy little snout in the Oxford Street trough in the 90’s. It was fucked back then. It’s so clean now, you could drop a kebab on the footpath and not feel like a grub for picking it up and eating it.”

However, King Sir Walter Lewis I was left bemused by Roberts’ remarks, thinking he was referring to Oxford Street in Bulimba, a sleepy Brisbane suburb that’s home to Kevin Rudd and friendly former Wallaby Toutai Kefu.

Bulimba’s Oxford Street is everything that Darlinghurst’s isn’t. You’re more likely to encounter a baby stroller and weak coffee than a severe brain injury and cheap amphetamines.

“I was thinking. What the hell is he talking about?” said Lewis.

“Sure there’s plenty of goey in Bulimba, but it’s usually down by the wharf. Back in my day, the kids used to key a few lumps on the ferry over to the valley. Those days are long gone now.”

Roberts is slated to face the NRL tribunal this week for making a joke that could be easily misconstrued as a drug reference. Should he be found guilty, the centre could be caned by NRL integrity unit officers.