Today UK announced the signing of JUCO tight end Steven Borden to next year’s class. Borden’s commitment made headlines, not only because it was the first commitment under Mark Stoops, but also because he is the son of the world-renowned wrestler, Sting. KyBlue decided it would be interesting to take a look into what may have went down during Borden’s trip to visit the Cats and just how the world of collegiate wrestling recruiting works:

Hello everyone, this is Tom Leach, the voice of the University of Kentucky Wildcats, here at Nutter Field House practice facility in Lexington, Ky. We are excited to bring you the official campus visit of Steven Borden Jr., aka Sting Jr.! The younger dromopoda scorpiones is here to visit with Coach Stoops and see how things operate in the Bluegrass before he makes his college decision. We have the SeeBlue UK Wrestling Ring presented by Fan Outfitters set up for today’s visit and we’re awaiting the arrival of the elder Sting and his offspring at any moment now. Before they get here, I’d like to take some callers to discuss what could become UK’s first commit…

The lights go out as Nutter Field House plunges into blackness. An eerie silence takes over the facility before an all too familiar sound echoes from the speakers…

Two figures, dressed in all black and wearing the familiar black and white makeup descend from the rafters. Sting Sr. and Jr. are revealed as the lights come back on; Sting Sr., with his solid black Louisville Slugger, and Jr. with his solid black Wilson NCAA football.

Well folks, I must say this is a first for me. I thought the wrestling ring was a bit much, but Coach Stoops and staff have really taken this to the next level with the whole entrance thing. I hope pulling all of this out of his bag of tricks really pays off for Coach Stoops, who curiously hasn’t shown up yet. Let’s listen in on what Sting has to say.

Sting Sr. picks up a mic lying in the ring and turns it on:

Sting Sr.: Helloooooooo Lexingtonnnnnnn! Whooooooooooooo! It is good to be here! Woooooooooooo! I want you to know that this guy standing beside me is not only my son, not only my lil stinger, but he is The. Baddest. Football. Player…. KENTUCKY WILL EVER HAVE! WWWWOOOOOOOOO! Where is Coach Stoops? Coach Stoops, come on out here! It’s time to talk football with the Stingers!!! Woooooooooo!

The facility lights go out again.

What the he–

The UK fight song blares over the loudspeakers as highlights of the football team play on the Jumbotron set up on the far end of the practice field. Smoke begins to shoot up through an entrance on the stage, where two men emerge from behind the curtain. The first is Coach Stoops, shirtless and wearing only royal blue spandex underwear with knee-high white boots that are laced up the front. He raises both hands in the air, soaking in the atmosphere before pyrotechnics behind him blow sky-high and Offensive Coordinator Neal Brown steps out from behind Stoops. Coach Brown is wearing white spandex tights with a royal blue lucha libre mask. The two coaches walk down the stage, pandering to the crowd of curious football staff and grad assistants who are beginning to form behind the barricades set up around the ring.

Ok, this is getting ridiculous, ladies and gentlemen. The UK coaches have emerged at the foot of the wrestling ring with what has to be the two most outrageous costumes I have ever witnessed. I’m not sure how much farther this thing can go.

Stoops picks up another microphone and turns it on, pointing at Sting Jr.

Stoops: Sting…Sting Jr. Welcome. To…… KENTUCKY!!!!!!!

Fireworks explode from the four corners of the ring as Stoops begins to turn in circles, arms raised, expecting a cheer from the crowd. He tries to hide his confusion as no one really has yet to grasp what is actually going on.

Stoops: We want you, Jr., to commit to this football program today. Kentucky is on it’s way to prominence in the SEC and you become the first step to our greatness. I envision a program where 70,000 fans pack Commonwealth Stadium each and every Saturday! A program where you can helicopter in to Metallica with a crow on your shoulder just minutes before kickoff. Kentucky football needs you, Sting Jr. And you need Kentucky football. Now, what I….

For the third time, the practice field goes black. Bells begin to toll over the speakers.

Oh, Jesus, what is it now?

Smoke begins to rise from the entrance of the stage as a person walks to the front. The figure has on a red and black mask and a black body suit, with a large cardinal on the front.

Oh my goodness, it’s Charlie Strong! Who knew Coach Strong wanted Sting, too?! It’s madness here at Nutter Field House! Madness!! Let’s hear what Strong has to say!

Strong: Hello, Mark Stoops. I’ve been waiting for this day for quite some time. The day when you would bring Sting home for me to take. You see, I’ve known about this little meeting for a while now, and nothing will satisfy me more than to pluck your precious tight end right out from under your chubby little fingers.

Stoops: You won’t be getting this one, Strong. I know a Wildcat when I see one, and there is no way he would settle for playing for YOU.

Stoops begins moving towards Strong as Neal Brown walks behind him.

Stoops: You can try all you want, Strong, but you’re not getting anywhere near this one.

Strong: Hold up one minute there, Mark. I’m not worried about what you have to say anymore. You know why?

Charlie Strong looks out over the audience, expecting a roar, but the staff, still confused, sits idly by.

Stoops (a look of concern on his face): Why?

Neal Brown drop kicks Stoops from behind, sending him into the metal barriers. Stoops, hunched over, tries to turn and head back towards the ring, but Brown stops him with a hard elbow into his back. Stoops drops onto the floor as Leach loses it on-air.

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT NEAL BROWN HAS TURNED ON UK FOOTBALL, AND FOR LOUISVILLE OF ALL PLACES! THIS HAS TO BE THE WORST DAY IN PROGRAM HISTORY. OH MY GOD THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY BEATING HIM DOWN! SOMEONE STOP IT, WHERE IS SECURITY!? FOLKS, I DON’T EVEN HAVE WORDS FOR THIS MADNESS!

Sting and Sting Jr., still standing inside the ring, are astonished as to what is happening before them. Sting Jr. slides under the ropes and runs towards Stoops; he Stinger splashes Strong into the barrier as Neal Brown is bare-hand slapping Stoops, now propped up in the corner of the barricade, across the chest. Sting Jr. arrives in time to intercept the next blow, grabbing Brown’s hand and spinning him around. Sting Jr. gives Neal Brown a hard kick in the chest and sends him flying. Junior helps Stoops up and leads him to the ring, where Sting’s father helps him climb up. Strong and Brown gather together at the entrance of the stage once again, panting and holding their severe wounds.

Strong: This isn’t over, Stoops! You won’t get another recruit! You think you can just take Neal Brown from Texas Tech and expect him to come to a 2-10 team!? It doesn’t work like that! He’s with a real team now! And as for you, Sting, don’t think I haven’t forgotten this!

As Strong and Brown turn to exit, the lights go out for a fourth time. By now, Leach is not surprised.

Nothing could top this day, I’m telling you this has to be the most insane day in college football history! Who is this coming out now!?

The sound of glass breaking and heavy metal music begins to fill the air, and suddenly…

A Harley Davidson comes racing from backstage, barely missing Strong/Brown and coming to a skidding halt in front of the ring. Driving the Harley is Stone Cold Bob Petrino, double-fisting two Budweiser’s, with a blonde blow-up doll riding shotgun. Petrino slides onto the stage and raises his Buds in the air before opening them and pouring the frothy explosion all over his head. He crushes the cans with his forehead and tosses them into the sparse crowd, who are all now clearly disgusted. Petrino turns his mic on.

Petrino: You didn’t think I would let you two have all the fun, now did you? You forget who I am? I am Stone. Cold. Bob. Petrino and I came all the way from Bowling Green to tell Sting that the right place for him is WESTERN KENTUCKY UNIVERSITY! Can I get a HELL YEAH!?

Stoops, now back to full health, walks toward Petrino, getting face to face with him. He begins to speak, but Petrino cuts him off.

Petrino: One more thing, Mark. I just got off the phone backstage with Governor Beshear and he wants to have a little fun with this. Next Sunday, on KET pay-per-view, it’s a THREE-WAY TAG TEAM for the rights to Sting Jr.

Petrino turns to Strong and Brown who are now ringside.

Petrino: It’s you two versus Stoops and Sting Sr. versus Stone Cold Bob Petrino and B. Low Updoll in a Letter of Intent match! YOU BETTER COME READY! PETRINO 3:16!!!!

Strong, Brown, Stoops, and the Sting duo look stunned as Petrino’s music begins to play once again. Petrino stands on the top turnbuckle, flipping double birds to the audience who now just consists of a visibly disgusted Mitch Barnhart and two UK campus police. Petrino jumps back on his Harley and fires it up, burning rubber all the way back up the ramp. Meanwhile, Tom Leach is now in full-on wrestling announcer mode.

YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS EPIC FINALE TO THE STING JR. COMMITMENT SAGA. NEXT WEEK, A GOVERNOR-MANDATED L.O.I. MATCH BETWEEN THE THREE FOOTBALL COACHES IN THE BLUEGRASS STATE. WHAT IS GOING ON!? THIS IS THE MOST INSANE, CRAZY, OUT OF THIS WORLD EVENT AND YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS IT! THIS HAS BEEN A PRESENTATION OF THE IMG SPORTS NETWORK! GOODNIGHT!