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THE New York Times has reported nothing in the last 24 hours, WWN and all other Irish news outlets can confirm.

Seemingly operating under reporting guidelines that are far removed from what must be adhered to here in Ireland, the egregious NY Times somehow managed to string together zero words and no images to back up their article about nothing happening, in no particular location or legal jurisdiction.

Visitors to the notoriously big NY Times website were yesterday greeted by a story which Irish papers have described as involving no one in particular, which occurred at some time between never and never ever, accompanied by a headline that was both blank and jaw-dropping.

“Can you imagine if we ran a story with nothing in it? It’d be a KO to our careers,” said one Irish journalist we spoke to, speaking from behind 87,000km of red tape.

“You fuckin’ see what they can put out in the New York Times? If putting out a blank page with no headline and no picture, suggesting nothing and claiming that nobody nothing’ed never is what they call journalism, they’re conning themselves. If they were came to work for us, they’d get a rude awakening”.

Nobody from nowhere was available for comment.