I can’t offer any grandiose pronouncements on the topic, and I’m not an expert on the levels of domestic violence among veterans. But I can describe my own experience as someone with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Before my deployment to Afghanistan in early 2009, I was stationed in Alaska. My fondest memories of that state involve volunteering at a bicycle co-op the summer before heading overseas. When my tour ended, it took about 10 days to get back to Alaska from Afghanistan. During the long periods of waiting, I daydreamed about what I’d do upon arriving home. The co-op was high on my list.

Within a week of my return in March 2010, I visited the co-op at its new, unfamiliar building. I found myself in a hot, loud and crowded room full of aloof young strangers. In that moment, I felt a sudden burst of panic, something completely unexpected. I felt as if I was going to die. I had to leave the room, to return to the safety of my truck parked outside in the snow. Something was very wrong; something about me was clearly defective.

This was the first indication that life after combat wouldn’t be the idyll I had envisioned during my 13 months overseas. And there would be plenty more: When I was confronted with a crisis, it began to feel as if someone had placed a magnifying glass over my normal emotional responses. At times I’d be hyper-alert, at others so brain-fogged that no amount of stimulants could enliven me, and no amount of alcohol could relax me. However, for three years I refused to seek help. I did not want it to affect my military career.

What those three years of denial entailed are scenes that I would much rather forget. Later, I realized that many of my friends had experienced similar moments: extreme reactions to emotional stimuli, hours of fear, weeks of hyper-vigilance. The common thread was not a tendency toward violence but rather toward self-hate. There were no flashbacks of combat. There was instead a sinking feeling that I’d always be a downer, always on guard, never able to relax. It was the fear of being permanently broken.