Now that you have a cream that can whiten your vagina, here comes one that can tighten it. And its brand ambassador Celina Jaitley tells us yeh bahut empowering product hai.

The world is finally perfect. Now that you’ve whitened your vagina, you can tighten it as well. The euphoria of that discovery makes you want to channel Madonna and sing Like a Virgin while doing a mix of the salsa and the tango around the house while your extended family applauds you and your tighty-whitey.

What am I going on about? The latest “dermatological” product to hit our shelves is a vaginal tightening and rejuvenating gel which promises to make you feel 18 again. It comes with an utterly tastefully-made commercial which tries to buoy you forward towards the chemist shop, using your flapping vulva as sails.

The commercial – set in an apparently South Indian home – shows a saree-clad woman walking with a dabba towards her office-bound husband through a house milling with their family. Suddenly the woman pulls her slightly smarmy-looking husband aside and starts singing, “I feel like a virgin, oh yes I do, oh yes it’s true, feels like the very first time” and proceeds to do the salsa/tango with him, while the family stands around them looking pleased as punch. One member even makes an MMS of the dancing duo and the ad ends with the paati (grandmother) logging onto www.18again.com and reading out the website url in a pronounced south Indian accent while her husband peers smilingly over her shoulder. Because why should a tight vagina be restricted to youngsters? The family that tightens together, stays together.

The gel has been launched by Feroze Khan’s erstwhile squeeze turned brand ambassador of tightness – Celina Jaitley. According to the managing director of Ultratech India who has come up with this first-of-its-kind revolutionary product - “18 Again has the power and the potential to break the shackles and redefine the meaning of women empowerment”. At the press conference, Jaitley regurgitated the same message – “yeh bahut empowering product hai".

Well it certainly “redefines” the meaning of empowerment. First off, one would think that a product which sexually empowers women, should in some way enhance her pleasure. And however wretched I might find some of those condom commercials, at least they are ribbed for her pleasure. Since we are speaking of empowerment, maybe we could have spoken of a lubricant for women. But who cares if a woman is aroused or not? Oh no. Let’s be “tight” for the boys. And secondly, talk about being “like a virgin”. The ad happily reinforces the evolved need of most Indian men to believe they are the first man to sleep with any woman they have sex with. Even if it is 20 women. Of course, for most female virgins the first experience of sex is often painful and unpleasant. But who cares about her? If you’re not a virgin, at least 18again fools your lover into thinking you are almost one.

Priti Nair, director of Curry-Nation who made the campaign explains its high degree of nuance and tastefulness -“Since the product is primarily targeted at housewives with children, we wanted to create a film that is tasteful yet engaging”. Well I suppose, practice will make perfect.

Here’s a joint family who is revelling in the knowledge that their daughter-in-law now has a vagina which would make a teenager proud. Not only are they rejoicing in her newfound tautness, they are also encouraging the fillip that she has given their beta’s sex life. They are applauding them and cheering them on, while the wife dances and sings her little ditty with the husband joining in the chorus to sing along. Oh joy, oh bliss. Our son now has a permanent almost-as-good-as-virgin to sleep with. Where is the concept of privacy? Why is the whole family in this couple’s sex life? But then again, this is India, where most families think that a woman’s fertility are topics for the family to discuss and pass judgment on.

What next? Re-virginisation home surgery kits for women? Ruptured your hymen! Worry not. With the Grow-Hymen-Back Home Kit you’ll soon be able to stitch yourself a brand new hymen that's even better than the old one.

While sex crimes rise in India and the news is full of women from Ruchika to Geetika to Fiza and their stories of molestation, suicide and harassment, the rest of us can celebrate our “empowerment” because we now have tight VJs. Our time has finally come.

So if you survived being killed off once you became a foetus and your vagina could be spotted in a sonogram, then made it past the volleys of men who tried to molest and rape you and the others who tried to bump you off because you are beyond your sell-by-date – celebrate you must. And do it by buying yourself a tube of 18 Again. Now if they would only add the whitening cream to 18 Again, you would not only be empowered, you could also tighten, whiten and lighten up.