The Apprentice stars faced off in spectacular fashion this week. It all started with wind turbines and then, oh dear, Piers Morgan got involved

Step aside, Cheryl Cole and Cher Lloyd. Out of the way, Lily Allen and Courtney Love. Move along, Chris Brown and the entire world. When it comes to ridiculous celebrity Twitter spats, there's a new daddy in town.

In the red corner, representing New York, the silliest faction of American Republicans and haircuts that look like monkey bottoms: Donald Trump. In the blue corner, representing corrugated iron industrial parks, pronouncing the word "bloody" as if it has the letter A in it and a million Amstrad Em@iler jokes: Lord Alan Sugar. The pair seem to have been circling each other for months now, both in terms of letting the world know they don't watch the other's version of The Apprentice and starting witless online squabbles with anyone they can think of, but yesterday Trump and Sugar finally charged at each other headfirst, and it was spectacular to witness.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) How can George Osborne reduce UK debt while spending billions to subsidize Scotland’s garbage wind turbines that are destroying the country?

First, Trump used Twitter to criticise the UK government's fondness for wind turbines – possibly because they might spoil the views from his country-crushing megacorp of a golf course – to which Sugar replied "The Scottish don't want you!" Sadly for posterity, Sugar has since deleted his contributions to the row from his Twitter feed.

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) .@lord_sugarIf you think ugly windmills are good for Scotland you are an even worse businessman than I thought...

It escalated from there. Trump shot back with: "If you think ugly windmills are good for Scotland you are an even worse businessman than I thought and, in my opinion, should not be doing The Apprentice." Never a man to take the directionless frothing of an egotist lying down, Sugar quickly hammered out an oblivious missive of his own: "well you have NO SAY in that. The British like me not you. the ugly windmills will bring more revenue and green power to Scotland than your golf project."

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Sugar: @lord_sugar—unlike you, I own The Apprentice. You were never successful enough...

On and on it went. Trump: "Sugar – unlike you, I own The Apprentice. You were never successful enough to do The Apprentice but I approved you anyway. Without my show you'd be nothing!" Sugar: "You approved me! What a load of rubbish dream on You don't own apprentice Mark Burnett does. Shut up and argue with Obama." Trump: "Keep working hard so I make plenty of $ with your show. You have little persona, but The Apprentice concept is great and lucky for you!" Sugar: "You have had a charisma bypass."

Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) ... and many others. Drop to your knees, Sugar, and say thank you, Mr. Trump.

Trump replied: "Drop to your knees, Sugar, and say thank you, Mr. Trump."

Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) Don't wish to interfere obviously @realdonaldtrump - but it may be time to fire @lord_sugar from YOUR show for his impertinence?

At this point, bang on cue, Piers Morgan – a man who has flown planes with Alan Sugar, won Trump's Celebrity Apprentice and will never knowingly let anything high-profile pass without wedging his gelatinous face right in the middle of it – barged in to suggest that Trump should fire Sugar. And this is where Alan Sugar lost it, ranting: "You are full of sh.. Trump you have no power over the UK Apprentice, just like the Scottish people." Whether he meant that a) Donald Trump has no power over Scottish people, b) Donald Trump has no power over the UK Apprentice or c) that Scottish people have no power over the UK Apprentice, will for ever be lost to the ages.

Who knew that there was so much inter-Apprentice contention? In retrospect, it's just a shame that other global Apprentice hosts didn't join in with the mudslinging. What a joy it would have been to see Vladimir Potanin from the Russian show leap into the middle and throw down? Or Tokyo Sexwale, South Africa's minister of human settlements and boss of South Africa's The Apprentice? Or Inger Ellen Nicolaisen, the hairdressing magnate formerly in charge of the Norwegian version? That said, she's a hairdressing magnate. She couldn't have possibly sided with Trump. It would go against everything she's ever stood for.

Luckily, for all of us, the spat has cooled in the past few hours. All that's left are the memories, and a fascinating glimpse into the management styles of the two men. Trump, it seems, rules with a mixture of grandiose claims and a kind of General Zod-style imperiousness. Meanwhile, Sugar attacks life with a reckless disregard for grammar and basic punctuation. Both, however, are united in their love of epic, all-powerful, world-ignoring delusion. It's just a shame they can't put their differences aside and learn to love each other. If they could, they'd make a wonderful pair of children's entertainers.