Part one of baby Peach's pain sprung from the fact that Older Eggplant had encouraged her to stay over and join him for breakfast the following day. Considering she was at brunch with me, no one should be surprised to hear she did not accept this invitation. However I was slightly surprised to hear the fearful dismay with which she received his invitation, and the panic with which she described her escape from his house in the early hours.

You guys. Sleeping over somewhere does not mean you're in a relationship.

It probably only means that you recognize it's late at night, transit is probably difficult, you are maybe kinda tired after all that delicious exertion, and - most importantly - you are wisely awake to the possibility of maybe fucking again in the morning.

I personally haaaaaaaaaaaaate smuggling myself out of someone's apartment in the small hours of the night/morning, and straight up refuse to do it any more. Furthermore, by the power vested in me by this blog, and for reasons explored below, I am issuing an edict for all mankind:

If you're willing to smear your mucous membranes all over a person, DO NOT KICK THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE before 8am (6am on workdays).

I'm not saying you need to cuddle them all night, softly stroking their hair and dropping feathery kisses on their neck and shoulders. But goddamn people. How bout we just be adults about this.

I do not want to hear you whining about how "I can't sleep well with someone else in my bed." Shut up, you infant, that is asinine and you know it, cause I bet you've done it before, either with friends or lovers, and if not, well. Welcome to new experiences!

To treat a person as valuable for obtaining an orgasm, but as unworthy of sharing your shitty mattress for 4-6 hours, is to treat them like a disposable, living sex doll. This is the absolute definition of using someone, to treat them like an object, and therefore to abdicate your responsibility as an ethical human being to treat your partner with kindness and respect. If you ask (or strongly imply, don't think I don't see you) your partner to leave before dawn, be assured, this is what you're doing.

Now, if you are the person whose home it is not, and you want to leave because of the aforementioned dumb reason of "sleep" then feel free. Sure. You are an autonomous human and you can choose your own choices. Have fun in your 4am Uber.

But don't feel like you have to leave or that you should leave because you're just hooking up or in a "just casual" status. And you don't have to feel suspicious of your partner when they act like an ethical human and invite you to stay over.

I repeat: don't sleep on that morning sex! (see what I did there?)

As for breakfast, that is definitely optional, but certainly can be a bonus! Pancakes! Bacon!

tl;dr: Fuck whoever you want, but you can't kick them out. This makes you a dick.