







Jon hovered over him, holding a tire pump. "It's over, kiddo!", he exclaimed in the most convincing action-hero voice he could muster. CRACK! The long metallic object was smashed into Wade's skull over and over and over again, eliciting a series of pained grunts, combined with some incredibly colorful language.



"Motherfucker!", D-Pooly exclaimed as he held in his caved-in skull, which really did hurt like a bitch. Wade whipped out both of his pistols and started firing dozens upon dozens of bullets into Jon, pumping him full of lead. "ECH!", he screamed as he was shot more times than 50 Cent and Alex Murphy combined.



Deadpool began to teleport, but Jon grasped onto his legs, sending them both to the final destination: The roof of the Empire State Building. Jon got to his feet and grabbed something out of a holster on his leg. Wade stopped, curious as to what it was.



"HAM!", Jon hammily exclaimed. "A mercenary's worst nightmare and harbinger of gout!", he announced before tossing it at Deadpool like a Frissbie. It smacked into the assassin's face with a gloopy splortch, and Deadpool decided to play along. "Ooooh, I'm melting, melting! What a world, what a world!", he screeched as he fell to his knees.



"Look's like you're out to lunch!", Jon said smuggly. Deadpool, however, stood up and revealed his ruse. Jon recoiled in shock and grabbed his stubby, tiny lightsaber out of his pocket. Deadpool went for his magic satchel, and pulled out a larger lightsaber with "Property of Disney" and Mickey Mouse ears crudely slapped onto it.



Phoosh



Swish







The two blades met, sparking and fizzing in the rain. Thunder crashed, spooking Jon and letting Wade get a hit in. Wade's lightsaber slashed across Jon's chest, leaving a large, open cut. Blood squirt from the wound as Jon stumbled backward, gasping. He regained his balance, and the two blades came together once more, crashing as sparks flew. "Jon....I am your father!".



Jon, expecting the corny and cliche line, was already wearing a party hat and spinning a noisemaker. "Whoooo, he said it! Can we go home now?". Deadpool got distracted, and Jon took the opening. He plunged his mini lightsaber into Wade's chest, and used the other to chop his arm off. Wade healed almost immediately. "Looks like you're down a saber", he said. "Make that two!", he exclaimed before chopping off the hand holding the other lightsaber. Jon screeched in pain.



"Why won't he die!? Wait a minute...that's it!", he thought to himself as he had a realization. He fumbled around for something, until he found it.....his R2-D2 action figure. "What's that gonna do?", Deadpool snarkily asked the critic before being pelted in the head with the toy. In mere seconds, Jon's mind was filled with all-known information on Deadpool, including his healing factor.



Jon's two birds landed on his remaining hand. "Hey, Jacques. I thought you died.", Jon said dully. "DOUBLE-BIIIIRD!", Jon screamed as a powerful laser shot from the birds and into Wade. Wade fell over, regenerating from the powerful blow, only for Jon to approach him. "I'm going to fuck you up worse than Wolverine: Origins!", Tron exclaimed. "Awww, man! That's a low blo-", Deadpool said before he was cut off my a powerful kick to the groin



The kick sent him rocketing into into space, flying towards the Sun at speeds faster than light. As he was mere inches from the burning star, he held up a wooden sign reading "I'm fucked!", and waved to the audience before colliding with the large mass. He sizzled away into nothing as he crashed into the surface, every morsel of his being slowly melting away and disintegrating....



Jon, back on Earth, stared up at the Sun. "A beautiful sight, isn't it, Rockington?", he said as he looked over to find his "friend" missing. "Oh, that's right. I lost Rockington. I lost-I LOST A ROCK! SHIET!", Jon screamed out in frustration before storming off.



K.O.!













Only: While Deadpool was more skilled, had far more experience, and has his healing factor to boot, Jon's speed, strength, and weaponry surpassed him. Sure, Deadpool has super strength, but he has never shown himself to be on par with throwing a dog into fucking outer space.



Jerry: And remember that time he flew to the Sun? Turns out that the feat clocks in at nearly 13x THE SPEED OF LIGHT!



Only: It doesn't hurt that his weaponry from Starcade trumps absolutely everything in Deadpool's arsenal. In the end, it really comes into the realities the characters exist in. Sure, Deadpool has achieved insane shit, but the Marvelverse is still relatively grounded in "reality", at least more than Jon's is. Jon's verse is whatever the hell he wants it to be, and as such, he can achieve the impossible relatively frequently.



Jerry: It looks like Deadpool just had the worst ECHsperience of his life.



Only: The Winner is JonTron.









NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE....







DARTH VADER FORCES HIS WAY INTO DEATH BATTLLE! Jerry: He probably won't regenerate from that one....Only: While Deadpool was more skilled, had far more experience, and has his healing factor to boot, Jon's speed, strength, and weaponry surpassed him. Sure, Deadpool has super strength, but he has never shown himself to be on par with throwing a dog into fucking outer space.Jerry: And remember that time he flew to the Sun? Turns out that the feat clocks in at nearly 13x THE SPEED OF LIGHT!Only: It doesn't hurt that his weaponry from Starcade trumps absolutely everything in Deadpool's arsenal. In the end, it really comes into the realities the characters exist in. Sure, Deadpool has achieved insane shit, but the Marvelverse is still relatively grounded in "reality", at least more than Jon's is. Jon's verse is whatever the hell he wants it to be, and as such, he can achieve the impossible relatively frequently.Jerry: It looks like Deadpool just had the worst ECHsperience of his life.Only: The Winner is JonTron. The two blades met, sparking and fizzing in the rain. Thunder crashed, spooking Jon and letting Wade get a hit in. Wade's lightsaber slashed across Jon's chest, leaving a large, open cut. Blood squirt from the wound as Jon stumbled backward, gasping. He regained his balance, and the two blades came together once more, crashing as sparks flew. "Jon....I am your father!".Jon, expecting the corny and cliche line, was already wearing a party hat and spinning a noisemaker. "Whoooo, he said it! Can we go home now?". Deadpool got distracted, and Jon took the opening. He plunged his mini lightsaber into Wade's chest, and used the other to chop his arm off. Wade healed almost immediately. "Looks like you're down a saber", he said. "Make that two!", he exclaimed before chopping off the hand holding the other lightsaber. Jon screeched in pain."Why won't he die!? Wait a minute...that's it!", he thought to himself as he had a realization. He fumbled around for something, until he found it.....his R2-D2 action figure. "What's that gonna do?", Deadpool snarkily asked the critic before being pelted in the head with the toy. In mere seconds, Jon's mind was filled with all-known information on Deadpool, including his healing factor.Jon's two birds landed on his remaining hand. "Hey, Jacques. I thought you died.", Jon said dully. "DOUBLE-BIIIIRD!", Jon screamed as a powerful laser shot from the birds and into Wade. Wade fell over, regenerating from the powerful blow, only for Jon to approach him. "I'm going to fuck you up worse than Wolverine: Origins!", Tron exclaimed. "Awww, man! That's a low blo-", Deadpool said before he was cut off my a powerful kick to the groinThe kick sent him rocketing into into space, flying towards the Sun at speeds faster than light. As he was mere inches from the burning star, he held up a wooden sign reading "I'm fucked!", and waved to the audience before colliding with the large mass. He sizzled away into nothing as he crashed into the surface, every morsel of his being slowly melting away and disintegrating....Jon, back on Earth, stared up at the Sun. "A beautiful sight, isn't it, Rockington?", he said as he looked over to find his "friend" missing. "Oh, that's right. I lost Rockington. I lost-I LOST A ROCK! SHIET!", Jon screamed out in frustration before storming off. Deadpool teleported back to Jon and kicked at him, a blow which was promptly blocked. Jon retaliated with a swift kick to Deadpool's genitals, causing him to squeal in pain. "Ooooh, me genitals!", he said in a high-pitched voice as he slumped to the ground.Jon hovered over him, holding a tire pump. "It's over, kiddo!", he exclaimed in the most convincing action-hero voice he could muster.The long metallic object was smashed into Wade's skull over and over and over again, eliciting a series of pained grunts, combined with some incredibly colorful language."Motherfucker!", D-Pooly exclaimed as he held in his caved-in skull, which really did hurt like a bitch. Wade whipped out both of his pistols and started firing dozens upon dozens of bullets into Jon, pumping him full of lead. "ECH!", he screamed as he was shot more times than 50 Cent and Alex Murphy combined.Deadpool began to teleport, but Jon grasped onto his legs, sending them both to the final destination: The roof of the Empire State Building. Jon got to his feet and grabbed something out of a holster on his leg. Wade stopped, curious as to what it was."HAM!", Jonexclaimed. "A mercenary's worst nightmare and harbinger of gout!", he announced before tossing it at Deadpool like a Frissbie. It smacked into the assassin's face with a gloopy, and Deadpool decided to play along. "Ooooh, I'm melting, melting! What a world, what a world!", he screeched as he fell to his knees."Look's like you're out to lunch!", Jon said smuggly. Deadpool, however, stood up and revealed his ruse. Jon recoiled in shock and grabbed his stubby, tiny lightsaber out of his pocket. Deadpool went for his magic satchel, and pulled out a larger lightsaber with "Property of Disney" and Mickey Mouse ears crudely slapped onto it.

"It's Deadpool time!", he proclaimed as he slashed Jon dozens of times. "Slice and dice!", he quipped as he kicked Jon in the knees, picking him up and bodyslamming him moments afterward. The floor of the apartment crumbled into bits beneath them as started plummeting through each individual floor of the building, the structure collapsing underneath them. A loud boom followed by many crashes sounded as they hit the ground floor, the rest of the building collapsing on top of them.Deadpool popped out of the rubble, a brick lodged in his head. "Phew, what a headache!", he joked to absolutely nobody, winking at the camera. Jon burst out, making several guttural noises, all sounding like "ECH". He was holding an incredibly large ore drill in his hands, ready to poke D-Pooly's eyes out with it.The former Not-So-Grump rushed towards the regenerating degenerate, the drill whirring as he jabbed at Wade with the large, prodding weapon. Deadpool didn't even try to dodge, instead letting the drill pierce his chest. Wade whistles a jolly tune, taking the blow carelessly as his healing factor took care of the rest of it.Taking advantage of the fact that the weaponized power tool was still lodged inside of him, he teleported upwards, yanking the tubby critic into the sky with him. "FOOTDIVE!", he shouted before kicking Jon down back into the ground. Deadpool teleported back and delivered a devastating uppercut to Jon as soon as he got up, not allowing a minute of recovery. "SHOOOOORYUKEN!", he joyously shouted as Jon was sent airborne, and another, tiny Deadpool appeared at the bottom of the scream to shout "TOASTY!".Tron huffed. "Something is very wrong here..." , he said to himself, obviously frustrated. He whipped out a blaster and aimed directly at Deadpool's head. "Hasta La Vista, Pooly!", he said as he clamped down on the trigger. The gun started firing wildly, spraying lasers everywhere. "OH GOD I FORGOT HOW HARD THESE THINGS WERE TO CONTROL!", Jon yelled as he struggled to keep his grip on the weapon. Deadpool, meanwhile, was filled with more holes than swiss cheese."Awww, I just had this suit cleaned!", Wade quipped and took off his ruined mask as a horrified Jon looked at his now exposed face. "ECCH! IT'S GROSS! EWW, EWW, EWW!""Aren't I beautiful, Jon!?", Deadpool said as he moved closer. "Ewwwwwwww, get away from me, GET AWAY FROM ME!", Jon screamed before blasting his head off with a glock. Wade's head quickly regenerated. "I thought what we had was special!", Wade jokingly exclaimed as he kicked Jon in the stomach."BLEEEEEEEEEEUGH!", Jon gasped out as he puked candy corn all over Deadpool's right leg. Deadpool paused to snicker. "Okay, now that was funny!", he said while continuing to laugh wildly. Jon joined in, and soon both of them were laughing like idiots. Jon slapped Wade and started patting him on the back, like an old friend would do....before punching him hard enough to send him flying through an entire city block.