I was in England again a few weeks ago, mostly in small towns, but here’s some of what I learned:

* Almost everyone is very polite

* The food is generally outstanding

* There are no guns

* There are too many narrow stairs

* Everything is just a little bit different

* The pubs close too early

* The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards

* Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms.

* You’d better like peas, potatoes and sausage

* Refrigerators and washing machines are very small

* Everything is generally older, smaller and shorter

* People don’t seem to be afraid of their neighbors or the government

* Their paper money makes sense, the coins don’t

* Everyone has a washing machine but driers are rare

* Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?

* Pants are called “trousers”, underwear are “pants” and sweaters are “jumpers”

* The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling

* “Fanny” is a naughty word, as is “shag”

* All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.

* There’s no dress code

* Doors close by themselves, but they don’t always open

* They eat with their forks upside down

* The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars

* They don’t seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they’re just neater then we are

* The wall outlets all have switches, some don’t do anything

* There are hardly any cops or police cars

* 5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why

* When you do see police they seem to be in male & female pairs and often smiling

* Black people are just people: they didn’t quite do slavery here

* Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them

* Cookies are “biscuits” and potato chips are “crisps”

* HP sauce is better then catsup

* Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.

* After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food

* The water controls in showers need detailed instructions

* They can boil anything

* Folks don’t always lock their bikes

* It’s not unusual to see people dressed different and speaking different languages

* Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter

* Nearly everyone is better educated then we are

* If someone buys you a drink you must do the same

* There are no guns

* Look right, walk left. Again; look right, walk left. You’re welcome.

* Avoid British wine and French beer

* It’s not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don’t, everyone knows you’re an American

* Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks

* There’s no AC

* Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper

* Gas is “petrol”, it costs about $6 a gallon and is sold by the liter

* If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Period. Always

* You don’t have to tip, really!

* Scotland, Wales, Ireland and Cornwall really are different countries

* Only 14% of Americans have a passport, everyone in the UK does

* You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in

* Walking is the national pastime

* Their TV looks and sounds much better then ours

* They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven’t put them all back up yet

* Everyone enjoys a good joke

* There are no guns

* Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere

* There are no window screens

* You can get on a bus and end up in Paris

* Everyone knows more about our history then we do

* Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good

* The newspapers can be awful

* Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you’re paying

* Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer

* Butter and eggs aren’t refrigerated

* The beer isn’t warm, each style is served at the proper temperature

* Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.

* Excess cider consumption can be very painful.

* The universal greeting is “Cheers” (pronounced “cheeahz” unless you are from Cornwall, then it’s “chairz”)

* The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.

* Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money

* Cars don’t have bumper stickers

* Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America

* By law, there are no crappy, old cars

* When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn’t lose the “1”

* Cake is is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for desert is pudding, even pudding

* BBC 4 is NPR

* Everything closes by 1800 (6pm)

* Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own

* You’re defined by your accent

* No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is

* Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport

* Europeans dress better then the British, we dress worse

* The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable

* Drinks don’t come with ice

* There are far fewer fat English people

* There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching tv

* If you’re over 60, you get free tv and bus and rail passes.

* They don’t use Bose anything anywhere

* Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste

* Every pub has a pet drunk

* Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it

* Cake is one of the major food groups

* Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful

* There are still no guns

* Towel warmers!

Cheers