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Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)

Internet | Somewhere in the past | Unknown Texan

Posted on by Sen Jack S. Fogbound

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).



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To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

Why waste a nuke? Let's just put some chili in Osama's care package...



To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

LOL! Great!



To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

TOO funny.................and TOO accurate. As one who spent a fair number of my years in Texas, I can tell you from experience that if you've never been to a Texas chili cook-off, you don't know what "hot", "spicy", or "ohmygodyougottabeshi**in'me" mean.



To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

Judge #1 says one of the chilis needs beans. I like beans in my chili, but most native Texans have told me that real chili has no beans. But, hey, after the pepper has scorched the taste buds off your tongue, what difference does it make anyway?



To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

Heh...heh...another one worth sending out...heh...heh...BTTTTT!!



To: Rocky

i normally go over to waxahatchie every yr around this time to a chili cookoff hosted by the Griphon Motorcycle Club..i make some pretty damn good chili and a great time is had by all...p.s. if you know beans about chili...you know they ain't sposed to be NO beans in chili!!!!!!!!



To: cajun-jack

Putting beans in chili is a hangin offense here in Texas...



To: Dallas

beer and chili f***s are bad enough..certainly don't want no beans to add to the terrorism!!! jack



Comment #10 Removed by Moderator

To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

Standing in the grocery checkout lane one day a Star headline caught my eye. "Man Spontaneously Combusts at Chili Cookoff after Eating Bowl of Hell Fire Chili", could this have been our poor Frank?



To: cajun-jack

I was really suprised to see you mention Waxahachie. I was born, and raised just a few miles away in Maypearl....but I digress.



To: MissAmericanPie

"Standing in the grocery checkout lane one day a Star headline caught my eye. "Man Spontaneously Combusts at Chili Cookoff after Eating Bowl of Hell Fire Chili", could this have been our poor Frank?" It wouldn't surprise me a bit! LOL



To: Sen Jack S. Fogbound

I didn’t realize I was so unknown.



by 14 posted onby antisocial (Texas SCV - Deo Vindice)

To: antisocial

Halfway through I couldnt read because of the tears of laughter that blurred my vision.



by 15 posted onby UpInArms (without failure there's no success only slavery)

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