Dear Troy,

Hi, my name is Clem and I am a diehard Mets fan. I am writing to you because I would really love it if you requested a trade out of Colorado. If the owner and GM ask where you would like to go, tell them Flushing, Queens (it’s kind of a weird name, but you will get used to it). I blog about sports and pop culture on my site The Clem Report. If you ever wanted to get into blogging, you could be a guest writer on my blog. We could talk about Game of Thrones and review all kinds of new foods and candies.

Anyway, I read on Wikipedia that you married your high school sweetheart. Guess what? I married my college sweetheart! Maybe we could all go to the movies if/when you get traded here. I always have a tough time deciding between getting popcorn or candy. Maybe I could get popcorn, you could get candy, and we could share. I also have a best friend named Rambo (he’s a hawk that lives in my yard). He doesn’t speak English, but I bet he could be your best friend as well. We could be known as The Three Amigos, which is Spanglish for The Three Friends.

I also read that you recently became a father and have a son named Taz. I don’t have any children yet, but my wife and I would love to babysit if you ever needed a night out. I was a fan of the Looney Tunes growing up and Taz was one of my favorite characters. I even had a few of those Taz shirts that were two sided. I don’t have them anymore, but I could buy one for you as a welcome present for when you get to New York.

A lot of people downgrade your offensive numbers because you play in Colorado. I can promise you that will not be the case if you come to the Mets. Citi Field is, ummmm, different than Coors Field. The Mets owners built a ballpark that was designed to neutralize our best player’s power alleys. But don’t worry Troy, they can’t screw that up again (I think). We also have a cool mascot named Mr. Met. He is really nice and has a family as well. All their heads are baseballs! How cool is that? I know the Rockies have a mascot named Dinger that is a triceratops. If you have ever seen Jurassic Park, you know that once the electricity goes off, dinosaurs try to eat people. Is that really the type of animal you would want near your growing family? I wouldn’t trust a triceratops as far as I could throw it (which isn’t very far at all).

I know you have a lot of great memories in Colorado and feel loyal to the Rockies franchise, as well as their fans. I happen to know what that feels like. When I was in little league, I became great friends with my coaches, teammates, and their families. Unfortunately in little league, you are forced to change teams every season. But guess what? You make a new set of friends with your new coaches, teammates, and their families. So you end up with double the amount of friends after the season is over!

Also, I am not sure if you heard, but the Rockies messed up your t-shirt giveaway night by spelling your name wrong. Considering how long you have been there and how good you have been, that is really messed up. I can already spell your name with my eyes closed. T-U-L-O-W-I-T-Z-K-I. Editor’s note: His (my) eyes were really closed.

.@purplerow dear god the #rockies misspelled the giveway Tulo jerseys. photo credit: vanessa wos pic.twitter.com/7EoXhc3jlN — Bryan W (@_Bwoss_) July 26, 2014

Finally Troy, I know Derek Jeter was your favorite player growing up. But trust me, you do not want to go to the Yankees. You will have to change your number and they won’t even put your last name on the back of your jersey. Plus the Mets are going to be about 20 games better than the Yankees next year. The Mets also have David Wright, who has been the best third baseman in the National League for the last 10 years and is a mix of Mickey Mouse and a boy scout. You will love playing with him.

The ball is in your court, Tulo (I can call you that, right?). All I can do is sit here and wait. Give my best to your wife and Taz. I hope to see you in New York soon!

Sincerely,

Clem

PS- Rambo says hi and really hopes you come here.