I know I’m not the only one who experiences this by any means. No one should feel this way, but for all the feminism, body positivity, and radical self love I preach I still find myself slipping into periods where I loathe my body.

I want to be alone because it's inconsiderate of me to make others look at this body I occupy. I’m sorry I exist. I’m sorry they have to look at me because I make them uncomfortable. And It feels like everyone who sees me looks at me with pity. “Poor girl. It must be hard to be that unattractive. It must be hard to take up that much space.” And I look in the mirror and I hear the frat boys who called me unfuckable, or the other kids when I was 13 who verbally tortured me. I remember the woman who drunkenly told me I should never wear those tights again. I was hideous. Fat. A face hidden somewhere under all this corpulence. And I remember hearing “oh, your body isn’t THAT bad” and a million other things that make me feel like shit.

And when thinking rationally I know it’s all ridiculous. It’s the product of patriarchy. It’s the product of capitalism and the need to sell more slim fast.

The fact is, it’s hard undergo daily microagressions. I’ve received more disgust for my body from people here than for my views.

It’s so easy to relapse into self hate and self harm. And I don’t want to talk about it because I feel like a hypocrite.