BOONE, NC – In light of an alarming number of student deaths this semester, Appalachian State University officials announced today a solution: updating the University’s Code of Student Conduct to expressly forbid self-inflicted death on campus.

“We’re saddened by recent events on our campus,” said Jennifer Torrance on behalf of the Office of Student Conduct. “We’ve been in communication with various offices and partners across the institution about how to best deal with these problems… The OSC has come to the conclusion that the best way forward is to punish those who commit suicide with the full force of University sanctions.”

The announcement comes following a rumored four student deaths this semester, at least two of which have been quietly confirmed to be suicides, but with no official statements by the University prior to today.

Some have speculated that the change in policy is a result of student activists asking for something, anything, to be done to curb the alarming trend of suicide on campus, despite campus administration’s insistence everything is “just dandy” and that the tragic loss of student lives will all “blow over” soon.

“We here at Appalachian take any threat to the safety of our tuition pa– I mean students very seriously,” stated Chancellor Sheri Everts. “Not to mention the threat to our image. Do these students even understand how bad this looks to football donors?”

Possible sanctions for those who kill themselves include letters of concern, disciplinary warnings, community service, loss of university housing privileges, random drug testing, suspension, or even expulsion of student remains from the university.

Some staff at the Student Counseling Center were critical of the decision.

“The counseling center has always strived to provide meager, insufficient services in response to mental health crises on campus,” counselor Amanda Grimes told press. “OSC is kind of stealing our thunder here.”

A handful of students, however, seem to support the decision wholeheartedly.

“Before the university announced the changes, I was seriously considering welcoming death’s cold embrace,” sophomore Jack McMann recalled. “But now that I have to fear being judged by the Office of Student Conduct instead of the trivial opinion of God, I have found the will to live.”

Disclaimer: Please remember that this is satire and ASU has, as of this posting, not yet implemented these changes. It is the intent of The Rotten Appal to call attention to campus issues and not to demean victims.