Electric Lit relies on contributions from our readers to help make literature more exciting, relevant, and inclusive. Please support our work by becoming a member today, or making a one-time donation here .

Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Cocaine

★★☆☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing cocaine.

Cocaine is an illegal drug made from chocolate plants, although it doesn’t taste like chocolate, I’m guessing. To be honest, I’ve never tried cocaine so I don’t know what it tastes or feels like. All I know is people who try it really seem to like it, so it must be pretty good.

Despite how good people say it is, not many people seem interested to try cocaine. I filled a Ziplock bag with flour, wrote “free cocaine” on it, and then placed it on a bench at the mall while I watched from inside Sketchers.

You’d be surprised how many people did not want cocaine. In fact, not only did no one seem to want it, people seemed repelled by it! One man pulled his daughter away from it after she managed to open up the bag and get “cocaine” everywhere. At least now he knows his daughter has a propensity for drug abuse. In that way, I did some good.

I had to use flour in my experiment because cocaine is surprisingly hard to find. I couldn’t find any for sale online, and when I stopped by the marijuana dispensary to ask if they had any, they told me to get out. My doctor said she couldn’t prescribe any for me but when she said it she winked, which I interpreted to mean I should meet her in the parking lot after work. I was very wrong about that wink and now I need to find a new doctor for reasons I won’t go into.

When I drove around town, pulling over and asking people for cocaine, they would just run away. One person called the cops on me. It turns out it’s illegal to ask people for cocaine even if you only want it for review purposes.

A woman at the truck stop offered to trade me kisses for cocaine but it was unclear who was to provide which, so I optimistically gave her a kiss on the cheek, closed my eyes, and put out my hands. When I opened my eyes she was running away with my cell phone. She left a sugar packet in my hands.

I followed her, hoping she might lead me to cocaine. She ended up leading me to a Cracker Barrel where she put on a uniform and started her shift. There was no cocaine anywhere in sight. I let her keep my phone because the battery had died and I had lost my charger.

BEST FEATURE: Cocaine can be used to make crack.

WORST FEATURE: There must be cocaine all around me but it’s impossible to find.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Garfield.