This is nonsense, this stuff the Government’s going on about now with this bloody water, cleaner water, better water, swimmable water. I know it’s election year but grow a bloody spine for Christ’s sake, and stop pandering to this namby pamby crowd. I mean it’s infantile.

They’re never going to vote for you anyway. Anybody with a mind to care about this sort of rubbish is only going to vote for those bastards with the disgraceful face paintings and emasculated, 12-year-old looking creatures that call themselves men wearing brown shoes with trimmed beards, as though that makes the act of wearing hair on your face any less puerile.

How old are we, really? I don’t care about the bloody water, and neither does anyone in New Zealand, and if they tell you they do, they’re a damned liar.

I drank some water once. It wasn’t any good. I haven’t had a glass of water for twenty years, and look at me: I’m drunk.

Of course, I don’t drink anymore. Just wine, and six glasses of Bristol Cream Sherry a day to keep the blood flowing, but other than that, it’s just gin and whisky.

Look at the Mediterranean peoples. They survived for decades without water, all they drunk was wine, and what harm did it do them? None. They probably had a swim in it, too. And if the baby’s crying and dehydrated, no need to give it water; pump it full of pinot, and if you’re lucky it’ll get brain damage and die.

Nobody wants children, I regret all of mine, the ones I can remember.

What on earth gets in people’s heads that we’re worried about the quality of our waterways, anyway? Whose idea was this? It’s just madness, this stuff.

People’ll drink anything with a label, and they’ll swim in anything. Chlorine, piss, doesn’t matter.

I was in Prague one time and my wife and I ordered a glass of water. It was black, but we drank it. Mind you, she died, but it was nothing I couldn’t replace.

We’ve become coddled, this society, and we’ve got to be wary of these people, these environmental types who tell us what water to swim in or what cars we can drive or this sort of thing.

Next thing they’ll be telling me if I find a homeless person on my property I have to let him live.

If these people are so concerned about water quality – and I suspect most of them are women, as they often are – we should take some of this swimmable water, hook it up to a fireman’s hose, and blast it up their arse until they explode. See how bloody safe they think it is then.