‘For days I couldn’t find a satisfying breath’

I’ve struggled with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder for much of my life, only recently putting some kind of a saddle on it. Until the pandemic, I was in a stable and healthy place. After the world shut down, the anxiety started sneaking back in. I convinced myself that a slight change in my breathing was the heralded “shortness of breath.” For days I couldn’t find a satisfying breath. No matter how many statistics I read or symptom reports I digested, nothing could assuage me otherwise. I followed all the rules, I don’t know anyone who has the disease, I’ve been out of the office for three weeks now. Nothing short of divine intervention could have exposed me. It didn’t matter. In my mind, this change in breathing meant I must have Covid-19.

I had the entire operation planned out: how I would get to the emergency room, which I’d go to to make sure getting back would be easy, who would drive me (I live alone), where I would sit in their car to minimize their risk, which chargers I would bring, what emails I’d have to send to reschedule what meetings, who would get my apartment key, what to tell the person I’d get to water my plants, how to tell my dad. I have drafted emails describing all of this, at least a dozen. Luckily, I haven’t had to send any of them. After a conversation with a doctor over telemedicine, it was clear that I didn’t have Covid-19, but that I was probably going through an anxiety attack. The combination of relief and utter disappointment in myself was a familiar cry I hadn’t seen in years. — Matthew Mohr, Columbus, Ohio

‘There is no playbook for how to survive this’

As a mother of three who has struggled with anxiety and depression before the coronavirus, this current situation has definitely magnified these issues and brought them to the surface. Having to help my children in distance learning and manage things around the house, all while worrying about my aging parents and my husband, who is working on the front line in a hospital, is horrible for me psychologically. It’s just too much. If it weren’t for frequent video chats with my therapist, I don’t think I’d be capable of taking care of my family at all.

How are mothers who are suffering from postpartum depression surviving being quarantined alone with their infants or young children? What if they don’t have access to a mental health professional? My children have seen me cry and heard me scream more in these past few weeks than they have in their whole lives. I just pray they are young enough to not remember.

I’ve had to shift my focus in order to preserve my sanity. I’m not comparing myself to how other parents are managing their homes and kids. There is no playbook for how to survive this, but I’m hoping that when it’s over my family will remember feeling safe and loved. — Blair Cornett, Orlando, Fla.

‘People with anxiety disorders are always expecting the worst, and now that has come to pass’

As a person with anxiety disorder I can only say that I am struggling to cope. Did I remove my gloves properly? Did I disinfect my groceries properly? Did I wash my hands well enough? I could go on indefinitely. People with anxiety disorders are always expecting the worst, and now that has come to pass. I am always terrified that I have slipped up somehow and will become ill and die. Running, gardening and playing with my cat are my most potent sanity activities. Conversing and commiserating with other humans is hit or miss. — Patricia Purdum, New Orleans

‘It’s difficult not to beat myself up’

The monotony of each day is what gets to me the most. I have a history of depression, anxiety and substance use disorder. I just celebrated three years of sobriety on April 1, so I was disappointed that I didn’t get to share it in person with my recovery community. I’m also a graduate student and I struggle to focus. It’s difficult not to beat myself up on days when I don’t get any work done, especially in a country that romanticizes working oneself to the bone.