BRITAIN’S rows of tedious and depressing chain shops are under threat from online retailers.

Massive shop owners claim the high street should be treated like an endangered tiger because of the invention of websites that you don’t have to drag your arse around on a Saturday.

Tom Booker of Watford said: “Puzzlingly I always felt that the high street should be grateful to me for buying stuff in it, as opposed to having my sympathy.

“But apparently I should have more compassion for highly profitable multinational conglomerates like New Look. Perhaps I should do a sponsored swim.

Chef Carolyn Ryan said: “It’s terrifying to think that unless we act fast, our children will never know a world of mobile phone shops, Greggs and Clinton Cards.”

Mary Portas, speaking from beneath her haircut, said: If the high street collapses then Britains towns will no longer be the completely homogenous parade of brand names that we grew up with.

Please, go to River Island and buy a glittery top now. Before its too late.