Let’s say that you’re single and you want to get a girlfriend, and also you masturbate to porn — what might you do to improve your lot?

Of course there’s the standard answer of, “go out and meet women you moron.” That’s granted, and you should do that.

But here’s something else to consider: maybe it’d be good to make sure there’s nothing in your life that’s drastically interfering with your progress.

“I don’t get how the two are even slightly related” — do you also chow down Snicker’s bars while trying to be a bodybuilder? Don’t kid yourself.

So one of those roadblocks to progress with women is masturbation and pornography. You might think to yourself that a wank at night to help you get to sleep is fine, or maybe you do it in the morning to get out of bed, whatever — but it’s not fine. First, it’s not fine because if you’re using masturbation to go to sleep or get out of bed in the morning, then maybe you should figure out why it is that you have trouble going to sleep at night or getting up in the morning. Maybe there’s some work for you to do to improve your life and masturbation is just a crutch that’s letting you ignore those problems.

But there’s another level too, the second part. When you engage in repetitive actions, you build up a habit. If that habit is, say, distracting you from a deeper purpose, or stealing away your energy, then that’s a big problem — and it’s a problem that you’re carving deeper and deeper into your psyche with every repetition. If you’re doing it once or twice a day from five minutes to an hour each time, then by the time you’re 20 that’s a deep groove you’ve got, and by the time you’re thirty it’s a damn trench.

When’s the last time you were reinforced for seducing your woman? Or were you too busy with the lotion to get the woman?

So here you are in this deeply entrenched behavior pattern. When you see a beautiful woman, and you feel that stirring in your loins, that’s an impulse for you to act, to reach out to that woman and see if the two of you can negotiate a worthy relationship that includes a lot of sex. If you’re a married man, you might see a beautiful woman and immediately think of your wife and start making plans on what you’re going to do to her that night.

At least, that’s what happens for people who don’t have deep porn behaviors carved into their subconscious.

Suppose you have this porn habit. You’ll see that attractive girl on the subway or the sidewalk, and instead of feeling driven to approach her, you’re instead going to act like a happily married man and avoid talking to her. Instead of planning to see your (nonexistent) wife, you’ll be planning to look up porn and jack off later that night; perhaps to a porn star who looks vaguely similar to that girl. Now suppose you’re the married man in this scenario: instead of feeling inspired to plan something naughty with your wife, you’re instead thinking of going home and powering up your laptop. In this sense, you’re cheating on your wife — not with another woman, but with a deviation from your own path. In many ways, that’s far worse than cheating with another woman.

Porn builds in habits that directly link to your ability to perceive beautiful women, and it hijacks you so that when you see a beautiful woman, instead of being compelled to go forth and ‘seize the treasure’ (so to speak), you’re instead compelled to isolate yourself and do absolutely nothing productive or helpful to anyone, even yourself. Porn literally derails your natural reproductive programming. The habit which you reinforce most becomes the default action when the trigger is presented. I doubt you’re unconvinced, but if you’re still skeptical, ask yourself this question: When was the last time you were reinforced for seducing your woman? Or were you too busy with the lotion to get the woman?

So it seems clear to me that porn derails a man from mating, from having a decent relationship with someone of the opposite sex, and ultimately removes him from the evolutionary pool, one XXX scene at a time. “I can quit anytime I want.” Sure, and a cigarette smoker can quit anytime he wants to. And so can a cocaine user. But ask a smoker to choose between giving up smoking and giving up masturbation, and we both know which he’d give up first.

The effect is powerful; you can call it a habit and say that ‘[you] can quit any time [you] want,’ but it’s a strong habit that most men reinforce daily, and it’s not just a little nicotine kick that boosts your nervous system, it’s a massive wave of dopamine and serotonin and oxytocin, bonding and reward chemicals which in conjunction are powerful enough to compel men to go to war — so don’t think that you’re stronger than that, because you’re NOT. Men have killed and many are willing to kill over their women, and if you think you can just fuck around with that kind of a reward system and not face severe consequences, then you’re just fooling yourself. And removal from the genetic pool is no joke, not to mention the obvious damage that occurs with your ability to relate to women, and rewarding your own sexual emasculation by simulating your own cuckoldry.

Porn is NOT good. No way. And as far as I can tell, masturbation isn’t far behind it either, because even if you’re accessing the spank bank in lieu of a porn star, you’re having sex with the ghost of another woman, and that too is a distraction from the real thing.

So suppose you’re reading through this and thinking to yourself, “HOLY SHIT. Porn sucks.” Well — first of all — welcome to the first step forward. Glad to have you here. Second, the naturally occurring follow-up to this might be, “How the fuck do I stop looking at porn and masturbating?”

I did, after all, compare it to a cigarette addition — and directly thereafter a cocaine addiction. So it follows that quitting might not exactly be easy.

But people manage to quit cigarettes and cocaine often enough, and so porn is doable too. Let’s start by addressing the actual part where the fuckup begins: your behavioral triggers.

Just like you have specific triggers that put you in the mood for sex (seeing your wife move in certain ways, or if she looks at you suggestively, etc), you also have triggers that push you to look at porn/masturbate. Some of them will be perfectly identical to the triggers that normally cause you to proceed with mating/attempted mating (eg. seeing a hot woman). Others, completely different (eg. being bored and alone at the computer).

Think of those triggers. Write them down. And then, you do one of two things:

1) If they’re easily avoidable, make sure to avoid them.

2) If they’re not easily avoidable, rewire the trigger

So maybe you’re especially prone when on the computer at night, and you don’t have anything that you particularly need the computer for at night — then replace your nighttime Facebook browsing with book reading. Or go for a walk. Or call/text a friend. Or go to a local bar.

Maybe it’s the exact opposite: you’re tempted when you’re on the computer late at night, but you HAVE to be on there in order to complete paperwork. Well then maybe you rewire the trigger. When you feel the temptation, instead of looking up porn sites, you instead make it a rule instead that you text your wife something sexy instead. Or maybe you use the feelings as an impetus to plan and write out a date. Or, if your wife is up to it, maybe you set up a sexy photo shoot with your wife so that you have photos of your wife to look at.

Long story short: it is FAR easier to re-route a behavior than it is to simply stop doing it cold turkey.

Another exercise to consider: write down the actual consequences of porn. Don’t be overly grandiose; be realistic. Consider the actual effects, both immediate and long term, and write about them. Write about what might happen if you allow porn to take hold of your life and you allow yourself to become beholden to the worst parts of yourself. And then, go the other direction: consider what might happen if you’re successful in your goals. Write about what your future might look like if you do what you’d do if you were aiming for your maximum potential (in this case, not masturbating).

It’s harder to act when you don’t think through the consequences of your actions fully. So THINK it through. Write it out. Envision yourself as you might be if you are able to kick this habit and reroute your energy in a healthy direction (for instance, towards your wife, or meeting new women). Give yourself a goal to work towards.

Suppose you’ve read all this, and you and I are on the same page now. Assuming that’s true, here are the main steps you can take to

Seriously, the steps are as simple as this:

Think about what your life might look like if you let your negative porn habits (and the behaviors that lead up to them) rule your life. What negative consequences could come of that in a few years’ time? Write it out, a few paragraphs. Don’t bullshit yourself when you do this either; you know when you’re lying.

Think about what your life might look like if you consciously chose to rewire your life and behavior so that you eliminated porn and took full control of your sexuality. What benefits might come of that? Write it all out, a few paragraphs. Don’t bullshit yourself when you do this either — but also, don’t underestimate the power of controlling your inner demons. Be realistic, so that you have an achievable goal to move towards that you want to achieve.

You don’t have to go crazy and write a novella (bonus points if you do); a few paragraphs will do. You may think I’m crazy, but there’s hardcore psychological truth behind these instructions.

3. Think about and write down all the triggers that lead to you looking at porn. Carefully examine each one, and come up with a method for either eliminating the trigger, or rerouting your response to it so that you don’t go towards porn. You can even steal and reuse the examples I gave previously. They work when you follow them. Maybe your trigger is waking up in the morning and being too lazy to get out of bed. Put an alarm clock in the other room. Sometimes you’ve got to be a dick to yourself in order to make some progress. And that’s fine. But whatever it is, make an agreement with yourself to follow through.

4. At some point, you’re going to experience the triggers you listed in part 3. Maybe you spot a cute girl, or you see a sexy side ad while googling, whatever it is. And you’re going to feel tempted to look for porn. Recognize your temptation, and return to your purpose. Again, simple as that. Recognize, and return. Don’t break the agreement you made with yourself. Do what it is you set out to do.

Four simple points. Easy enough. Do them. Do them now even. I give you permission to pause your reading of this medium article in order to get your sex life back in order.