William Ziegler

William Ziegler, a long-time New Orleans firefighter, died on July 29. (Courtesy of the Ziegler family)

I never met William Ziegler, who died July 29 at the age of 69. But after reading the obituary his children wrote, I regret not knowing him.

The kids suspect he died "on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election." And they assure us that, "unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends."

The full obit, probably one of the best you will ever read, is posted below.

"It was a combined effort," said Sharah Currier, one of Mr. Ziegler's four children. "My brothers, my sister and myself batted it around for a couple weeks before we posted it."

When he was 17, Mr. Ziegler, a New Orleans native, forged his father's signature to join the Navy. He served one tour in Vietnam.

"He only stuck it out for one war," reads the obituary. "Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts."

Mr. Ziegler came home to New Orleans in 1971 and became a firefighter for the next 25 years.

"Looking back," says the obituary, "William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob)."

Who was Bob?

"There was no Bob. At least I hope not," Currier said. "That was a running joke with my dad."

After Katrina, Mr. Ziegler moved to the Houston area, where Currier and also his son Shayne live.

Mr. Ziegler had a hobby of collecting odd obituaries and forwarding them to his children. It was why they felt he deserved a humorous obituary.

The obituary quickly went viral on Facebook and was even noted by the Daily Mail website in the U.K.

"He would have loved this," Currier said. "He probably would have forwarded this obituary to us."

Read the full obituary:

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn't much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war. Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman. After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired. Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but well-wishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor. He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don't open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.