31 Dec 2013

The social anxiety that is pulled along by New Year’s Eve is never worth it. Usually you’ll spend most of your night worrying that everyone is going to have a better time than you. Here’s five songs you can play - in a row - at your garbage party to make it the best time ever.

1. ‘Senorita’ by Justin Timberlake.

You are throwing a party. People have turned up. They’re eating dip and drinking. You have filled a bathtub, suggestively, with ice. People will see the bathtub on their way to the toilet and think ‘Yes, this is where a party is going to happen.’ Then, what next? This song pops up. People who were once confused about what to do suddenly have a clear goal: join you on the dancefloor and let JT’s voice surround them.

2. ‘Senorita’ by Justin Timberlake.

There’s probably going to be initial confusion, but you’re prepared for that. You yell out that you’re going for a ‘Double Bogey’ even though you’re not really sure what that means, just that it implies two. People will be able to hone their dance moves this time around, they’ll ease into a song. It is an old shoe.

3. ‘Senorita’ by Justin Timberlake.

Maybe people will think it’s a mistake and laugh it off. But then they’ll look at you, still dancing, frowning and sweating. Some will stick it out for a while, trying to make themselves appear ‘kooky’. If this happens, you should lock eyes with a single person and show them how deadly serious you are. Bite your bottom lip.

4. ‘Senorita’ by Justin Timberlake.

People will begin to leave. You will yell at them to stay, trying not to seem too desperate. You’ll find your second wind and grab at items in your house - lamps, a broom - and use them to try and make yourself seem more ‘fun’. Hold back tears as the infectious beat finds its way back into your limbs. Hold your own head.

5. ‘Senorita’ by Justin Timberlake.

If anyone is left in your house you are united with them now forever, regardless of gender or appearance. You won’t need bodies anyway for the spectral plane you’ll both ascend to, dancing, entwined, for infinity.

Chris Somerville is the author of We Are Not The Same Anymore.