If you’re anything like me, you hate wasting money when you’re trying to sign reinforcements for your squad. One of the thorns in my side in that regard consists of the ultimate douchebag-fee; the agent fee. Seriously, I’m forced to pay some pretentious prick, sitting in an office on his arse money to negotiate a deal with the player. Most of these pricks must have watched Jerry Maguire, because the higher profile their clients have, the more ridiculous their fees become.

So fortunately for me and everyone else who wants to reduce the cut of these vultures, there is a way to work around them by simply tricking them. This sounds good, right?

So how does it work? Say for instance we want to buy the Brazilian Bernard from Shakhtar. He’s definitely not going to be cheap.

The transfer fee is excessive, but look at that greedy fucker asking for nearly 10% of the transfer fee on top of that… He’s not asking you to show him the money, he’s asking for the keys to the clubs vault so he can go swimming in there, Scrooge McDuck-style.

So yeah, we’re not going to have any of that. The transfer fee is silly enough as is, we’re not wasting another wad on cash on some low-life vulture brokering the deal. How can we get him to give us a break? Let’s look into our relationship with said agent.

He’s obvious not too keen on us, though he doesn’t dislike us either. However, if you want to get an agent to cut you a good deal, you have to get on his good side. As with so many other things in life, it’s not always about what you know, but who you know. Managing relationships is a key skill in FM, which goes beyond managing a squad. Being on good terms with an agent tends to help as well. So how do we become pals with this man? We can’t go out and buy him a bag of coke and some prostitutes, so we have to become creative.

Agents are greedy, so they are generally tempted to lower their prices when they can do some sort of massive deal. So what we are going to do is make the agent believe there’s a massive deal coming up for him. When you look at an agents profile, you can see the other players he represents.

What we’re going to do basically boils down to outright lying to the agent. We’re going to make massive bids for at least four or five of his other clients. It doesn’t matter if we can even afford these deals in terms of money, because we have no intention of ever seeing these deals through. Offer contracts to said players as well, make sure the players accept these contract offers as well. You can still cancel the transfers so don’t worry about the financial repercussions.

When we make another offer for Bernard, we can see the agent has lowered his demands considerably, both in terms of wages, bonusses and signing-on fees.

Look at the discount the bastard is giving us… 4,65 million on agent fees alone, 2,2 million on agent fees… The total discount if you take wages into consideration is nearly 8 million for the entire deal, all because the agent thinks we’re being his best mate.

The other deals will get cancelled ofcourse, but you get a nearly 8 million discount on this still excessive deal, which is still a lot of money. So yeah, lying to the agents gets you a big discount and can earn you some extra spending money.

Guido Guido is the founding father of Strikerless and main nutjob running the show.

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