The title of this post references grooming, and while I wish very much that I was writing about facial hair and clean clothes, etc., that’s not the topic of today’s post.

Grooming is the process by which an abuser gradually mixes normal, acceptable behavior with inappropriate behavior — very subtly, just a little at a time — in order to skew their victim’s sense of what’s okay and what’s not. In this process, an abuser will act in such a way that will allow them to form an emotional connection with their intended victim, which they can then use to establish trust, lower inhibitions, and eventually get what they’re after, whether it’s financial gain or a sexual relationship.

It’s not easy at. all. to spot grooming behavior when you’re the focus of it. And furthermore, there are some aspects of the fringe Mormon community that seem to make people particularly susceptible to the grooming techniques that abusers employ. For starters, the culture of the LDS church is built heavily on trust; those of us who grew up in LDS families or attended LDS wards/branches for a significant amount of time are likely to believe the best about people, especially fellow Mormons, and start out from an assumption of trustworthiness rather than feeling that trust has to be earned. When individuals move away from church activity, orthodox belief, etc., they can find themselves shunned by family members, friends, neighbors, even spouses; this can cause people to feel adrift, lonely, and misunderstood, making them especially vulnerable to someone who swoops in, validates all their feelings, and tells them how amazing they are. Our conditioning as Mormon women can also prompt us to be polite even in situations where we’re a little uncomfortable or are being taken advantage of. When you toss in patriarchal power imbalances and rampant sexual immaturity or curiosity, the whole thing gets messy in a hurry.

There are some common factors in abusive grooming behavior. I’ll list a number of them here, along with some examples of how they might be used. If you encounter some of these techniques in your life, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re being groomed for abuse; relationships are incredibly complex, and given the right situation, the examples I’ll share might be totally fine. I just encourage you to be aware of the patterns and potential for abuse so you can evaluate your own comfort level and make sure you respond in ways that are honest and smart, not simply the ways you think you should respond in order to be a nice person.

Rushed emotional intimacy

Someone might try to build a relationship with you very quickly, by drawing on things you have in common and sharing personal things about themselves. This gives the impression that the two of you are closer than you actually are and prompts you to respond in kind, sharing personal things about yourself because you want to validate their feelings and help them feel comfortable.

Judging from interactions a lot of my friends have had, these conversations frequently turn sexual in short order; this could mean that overtly sexual propositions are made, or it could just mean that the person starts to confide aspects of their own sexual history. Doing this and then gauging your reaction helps the person to get a sense of what you’ll tolerate, what they can get away with.

“I know we’ve never met before, but I saw your post in such-and-such Facebook group, and I just wanted to reach out. I’ve had a very similar experience and am always here if you need to talk. Whatever you need — if you want to get together this weekend, actually, I’m free. I just want to make sure you know you’re not alone.”

“I don’t usually share this with people, but when I started to question the truth claims of the church, my wife was really upset, and that spilled over into our physical relationship. In fact, when I stopped wearing my garments, she cut off sexual contact of any kind. Our bedroom became the most uncomfortable place in the world for me. It opened my eyes to what our relationship had really been about for her. It sounds like you can relate a little bit, right? To finding out your relationships aren’t what you thought? (Like I said, I don’t share this with a lot of people, but it’s nice to find someone who can understand.)”

Flattery/ego stroking

Getting a steady stream of compliments can make us feel valued and cause us to let down our defenses a bit, because, wow, this person is so kind and sees the real me!

“I just have to say, your generosity and openness is astounding to me. So many people who have been in your predicament come away with a lot of anger, but you seem to have this bottomless well of compassion for others and willingness to open yourself up to them. It’s truly beautiful to me.”

“Meeting you is one of the best things to happen to me in a long time. You’re thoughtful, strong, adventurous, funny (not to mention incredibly sexy, if you don’t mind me saying so — lol).”

Charm and credibility

I want to say this loud and clear (so I’ll use bold italics): someone can be well-connected and well-respected in the unorthodox Mormon community and still not be a safe or trustworthy person. Someone can have 100 Facebook friends in common with you and still have ulterior motives for wanting to get to know you. Someone can post all the most insightful articles on Facebook and seem like the ideal feminist and write status updates that make you think “Wow, this person really gets it” … and they can still be an absolute jerk. It would be so nice if there were a foolproof formula to help us determine who’s good and who’s bad, but in and out of the church, in and out of feminist communities, that’s just not how it works. Having a prestigious calling, an impressive job title, a good handle on social and political issues, etc. — none of those things guarantee that a person will respect your boundaries or be a true friend to you.

If you are approached online or in real life by someone who’s a prominent person or noted participant in progressive Mormon groups, and you notice any red flags in their behavior or words, I urge you not to dismiss those red flags with thoughts of But he has all this credibility and people really love him and he does such good work — I’m sure I’m just overreacting. Being smart, well-spoken, funny, praised, or emotionally open do not at all preclude the possibility of also being abusive or manipulative.

Gaslighting

Generally, gaslighting means that someone dismisses another person’s reasonable frustrations, criticisms, or pain by saying that they’re overreacting, or they’re mentally unstable, or they’re too stressed to think rationally, or they’re on the rag, etc. It’s all just a way to say that your concerns aren’t valid and that the problem is with you, not with them or the situation in general. Gaslighting can be used to normalize behavior you’re uncomfortable with. In fringe Mormon communities, where there’s such a common understanding of (and, often, disillusionment with) church culture and teachings, a person might gaslight you by attributing your discomfort to Mormon socialization/dysfunction. This is not okay! If you say “no” to something or ask a person to hit the brakes on the way they’re speaking to you, they need to respect that, not launch into an evaluation of why you’re silly to feel the way you do.

“I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable with that last message. That wasn’t my intention at all. Honestly, though, I can’t help but wonder: were you bothered by what I said because you truly were bothered, or is this yet another way that Mormonism teaches us to see normal things as abnormal or sinful?”

“Are you saying NO to hooking up because of the fact that I’m married? Because you’ve bought in to the Mormon ideal of monogamy, even though it doesn’t account for varying sexual needs between partners and across the lifespan? I want to assure you that my wife and I have a very loving, fulfilling relationship in which we value honesty with one another, and we’ve found that polyamory is a good fit for us. So if you’re getting hung up on Mormon standards of sexuality and Mormon ideas of what marriage can or can’t be, please don’t. I think this could be an exciting, fun, enriching thing for both you and me. I find you so attractive. I’d hate for us to miss out on something great just because of some outdated ideas on sexual propriety.”

Appeals for sympathy

As part of the continuing endeavor to build up an emotional connection, grooming can include intense, heartbreaking appeals for your sympathy and help. This is another situation where a person might confide too much, too soon, escalating your emotional intimacy in a way that’s not warranted. Perhaps this person has had a fight with a spouse, or is grieving the fact that they were excluded from a family gathering, or wants to talk about some aspect of their past that’s troubling for them. All of these things are of course absolutely fine and normal to talk about, but if the person’s intention is to groom you for future exploitation, they might talk about these things in a way that’s very personal, even when they’ve known you for a short time or your previous conversations just don’t merit a sudden jump into this sensitive territory.

When someone comes to you with a lot of emotion and pain, it’s instinctive to want to be there for them, to be their shoulder to cry on. However, if alarm bells are going off in your head or you just feel a little uneasy about what’s being asked of you, those spidey senses are worth listening to. You can moderate your responses in a way that feels right to you, even if it seems strange not to immediately jump to someone’s aid.

Preying on your most vulnerable moments

So many of the grooming patterns I’m talking about here originate on Facebook, at least among the cases I’ve been told about. Many ex/post/semi-Mormon people turn to Facebook to find new communities and friends when church doesn’t offer those things as readily anymore. In these groups, we share amusing anecdotes, we vent and ask for other people’s insights into things that are on our minds, but we also get really honest about the tough times we’re going through. In the many years that I’ve been part of the Feminist Mormon Housewives Society group on Facebook, I’ve seen countless posts about depression, anxiety, eating disorders, divorce, abuse, chronic illness, infertility, sexual problems, job loss, harassment, tense family relationships, and so on. People share their pain because they need to be heard, and so often, they are met with outpourings of love and helpful advice.

I don’t remotely want to suggest that turning to a support group in your moment of need is wrong or stupid. I don’t feel that way at all. However, it’s important to note that individuals who are looking for people to prey upon (in whatever way that might be) will sometimes seek out those who are clearly in a compromised emotional or mental state. If you’ve very recently posted something on Facebook (or elsewhere — I’m sure similar patterns hold true in other venues) that indicates how vulnerable you are at the moment, be wary about responses you get and pay special attention to how they make you feel. Often, moving the conversation to private messages instead of the public forum is a technique that will be used to, again, give a heightened perception of emotional intimacy with someone you barely know. That’s certainly not always the case, but it’s something to watch out for.

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There’s a huge amount of subjectivity and variability with all the things in the above list. That’s what can make it so hard to spot grooming and identify it for what it is. Abusers always can maintain a lot of plausible deniability, because a lot of the things they do or say during the grooming process can be played off as totally normal or just a difference in personality/communication styles.

Here’s what I want to impress upon you: if you feel uncomfortable with the way someone’s interacting with you, and if you are seeing some indications that this person is grooming you for a relationship you don’t want to have with them, then it matters not one bit how anyone else would perceive their actions. You don’t have to justify your instincts to anyone or prove in a court of law that what this person is doing really fits the definition of grooming, gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, or anything else. You only have to trust your own impressions and make decisions from there. No one else has to agree. The person you’re interacting with doesn’t have to admit anything. You get to decide. You get to stop responding. You get to block that person’s messages. You get to say no.

In the wise words of Captain Awkward:

Women are socialized to make men feel good. We’re socialized to “let you down easy.” We’re not socialized to say a clear and direct “no.” We’re socialized to speak in hints and boost egos and let people save face. People who don’t respect the social contract (rapists, predators, assholes, pickup artists) are good at taking advantage of this. “No” is something we have to learn. “No” is something we have to earn. In fact, I’d argue that the ability to just say “no” to something, without further comment, apology, explanation, guilt, or thinking about it is one of the great rites of passage in growing up …

Everyone gets to determine their own boundaries, and I’m not here to tell you the One True Method for spotting progMo creepers or avoiding coercive relationships. I can tell you some personal guidelines I’ve drawn up for myself, based on what I’ve learned in my past seven years navigating fringe Mormon spaces and learning from others’ experiences.

Don’t discuss body image, sex, or anything related to sexuality with men unless I have a longstanding, ultra-respectful relationship with them (and with their wives, if applicable). Even in those cases, I keep everything vague and about bodies/sex in general, not about my personal sex life or the way I view my own body. I get that this rule might seem prudish or silly to a lot of people, and that’s fine — I’m not asking for anyone to agree with me. I’ve just seen too many instances where progressive Mormon folks with a lifetime of sexual baggage and a newfound sexual freedom get into situations that I very much don’t want.

Don’t reflexively approve friend requests on Facebook simply because I’ve seen that person’s name around the interwebz or we happen to have a good number of mutual friends. Similarly, don’t reflexively respond to people’s private messages or tags in various groups — let my previous knowledge of them inform my decision of whether or not to engage.

Check around to get a better sense of people’s reputations and past behavior. If I get a friend request or a strange comment from someone I don’t know very well, I’ll sometimes approach mutual friends and say, “Hey, anything I should know about this person? Are they on the up-and-up?”

Save really personal information for really solid friendships. This isn’t an option that everyone has, but if I’m thinking about sharing something personal in a big Facebook group with thousands of members, I’ll carefully consider my phrasing and how much I divulge there, or I’ll realize that I’m only interested in validation/advice from people I trust, so I’ll send some text messages to good friends instead.

Keep a firm handle on my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Because I am a victim of abuse and also have an overwhelming desire for approval from authority figures, especially men (I know — I’m working on it, team), there are some situations in which I’m likely to make decisions I regret later. Abusive folks can be really talented at honing in on people who haven’t learned self-protection skills, don’t know how to maintain boundaries, etc. I’m not some strong, perfect, invincible feminist who can spot misogyny at twenty paces, so I intentionally avoid situations that I think might be too much for me. In my case, that means I really don’t hang out in progressive Mormon spaces that are male-led or male-dominated. That’s what works for me.

This is a lot of info, I know! And it can be overwhelming and super-duper discouraging. My intent with this post isn’t to vilify progressive Mormon dudes, discourage cross-gender friendships, or make everyone out there deeply skeptical of every new person they come across. The grooming behaviors I’ve described here can pop up in all sorts of environments, directed towards all kinds of people, so it’s good to be informed about them regardless of whether you encounter them in any Mormon-themed spaces. Unfortunately, this is is an ongoing problem in our community, and I think it’s crucial to be aware of that fact, individually and collectively.

Have you had any experiences with grooming? Are there any additional tips you’d give on how to spot it, respond to it, or avoid it altogether?