I have written a lot about being a childless woman. About me being childless; about other women. But I’ve never written about men in the same situation. Why should I? If Mick Jagger can have a child who’s younger than his great-grandchild, there’s always hope. Right?

Wrong. Dr Robin Hadley, 58, and childless by circumstance, recently completed a PhD exploring the experiences of involuntarily childless older men. “I found,” he says, “there was little difference in the desire to become a parent between female and male childless individuals. But that study also indicated that for some male participants, not becoming a parent had a greater negative effect. That’s because there are no narratives around childlessness for men.”

The narratives for childless women can be awful, but they are changing, because we are talking and writing about them. But for men? Hadley, founder of wantedtobeadad.com, says, “If a man tells you, ‘I’m infertile’, that’s a really big statement. He’s opening himself up to being seen as lesser somehow, and being judged.”

Do men get the pity treatment? “No. But people think I’m weird,” says Kelsey, 43, a designer, and also childless by circumstance. “The idea of a 43-year-old man who isn’t married, who doesn’t have a family… People think it’s odd. I’m not sure I’d feel so weird if I were a 43-year-old woman who didn’t have a family. There’s a plethora of films and TV shows about kooky, cool women. It’s been addressed in our culture. But there isn’t a 43-year-old man who’s single and cool: he’s a loser and he lives in his mum’s basement.

There is also a biological instinct for men. I always wanted a child. It’s one of the most profound things you can do

“I know women feel they’re ignored,” Kelsey adds, “but they are listened to and their thoughts are engaged with and debated – at least more than men’s. I know a woman will feel childlessness way worse than me – of course – but there is also a biological instinct for men. I always wanted a child. It’s one of the most profound things you can do.”

Do men get physically broody? Hadley says, “My interest in involuntarily childless men is in part due to my own sense of broodiness. Within women’s cycles, there’s a time when they are broody and want to have sex. It would be a bit mad biologically if there wasn’t a drive in men to have sex at certain times, too. There’s an actual feeling – ‘I want to have babies’ – on a core level.”

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Robin Hadley: ‘I threw myself into drink.’ Photograph: Christopher Thomond/The Guardian

Kelsey agrees: “I was really desperate for children, even in my early 20s. Because of my own childhood, I wanted a son. I never thought about having a daughter. I knew I couldn’t change my childhood, which was traumatic, but I thought I could give a child – a boy – the childhood I didn’t have. I thought I’d be a really good dad.

“The first time it hit me that I might not have children was when I turned 30. I was upset and talking to my friends and they said, ‘It will happen. You’ll see.’ But I had a feeling it wouldn’t. Then I hit 40 and another low: a feeling of, it’s really not going to happen now.”

Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, the global friendship and support network for childless women, talks about the importance of finding your “tribe”, the women who really understand what you’re feeling; there’s no “As a mother” or “You can have my children if you want!” ridiculousness with them. How do childless men cope without a tribe?

Rod Silvers, 52, an actor and writer, says there’s no choice. “When we were going through IVF [he and his ex-wife tried IVF twice], and afterwards, there were no forums for men. No point of contact for when you’re supporting your partner. So you just take it for granted that your attitude has to be: I’m a bloke and I get on with it. I know young men are a lot more open now, but, especially for working-class blokes, you just don’t talk about emotions. Painful? Hurt? Those are words I just don’t recognise.”

Silvers has written a play, Terry And Jude, about two older, single men and the impact of childlessness on their lives; his short film, England Expects, explores the IVF journey. Why did he create them? “Writing is my form of therapy. Some people talk, I write. I wanted to do rather than think. I’d never really explored this in my head or my heart, never talked about it, because at the time I was just there for my girl, for her agony.

“I needed to write. This isn’t having a go at people with kids – I’m happy for them – but I think some people say stupid things because they want to believe they understand. They don’t. The examples in the film [from “I’m gutted for you – we’re men and we’re here to procreate” to a relative sending a baby scan photo to a grieving couple], those were said and done. Because people don’t think.”

Not having a child is the worst thing that has happened to me – the pain, the loss, the grief, the depression, the “meaning fuck-all in society” icing on a rotten cake. Do men feel the same way?

You take it for granted that your attitude has to be: I'm a bloke and I get on with it

In one study, Hadley interviewed 10 men, “most of whom said their childlessness contributed to depression. You start thinking, how am I performing economically? Socially? And if I’m not performing well economically and I’m not doing well socially, and I’m not reproducing biologically – then what am I as a man?

“When I was really broody in my 30s, I was very frustrated by all this,” Hadley says. “But I just kept it to myself: being a bit depressed and withdrawn; throwing myself into work, into drink. Now, because of my research, I don’t feel shame.

“Did you know,” he adds, “there are more men who aren’t fathers than women who aren’t mothers? It’s really hard to get the statistics, but the childlessness rate is around 20% for women in the UK and 25% for men.”

The loss will always be there, Silvers says. “The whole thing is grief – for a baby, for my marriage – but what do you do with that? Let it eat you away, or accept it and do something positive with it? The reason I did the film and play was for other childless blokes to know they’re not the only ones.”

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And what about the Mick Jaggers? “Don’t buy into the Mick Jagger myth that men are fertile from puberty to death,” Hadley says. “Jagger has elite status – he’s not the bloke down Aldi. If you’re 75, an ordinary bloke, and you have a baby, you will get a different sort of attention.”

“It’s bullshit that I’m biologically able to have kids when I’m older,” Kelsey says. “Yes, I can. But is it ethically OK? It’s selfish. I could have a child when I’m 50. And be 68 when he is 18. Ridiculous. There has to be a cut-off point. A lot of my devastation at not having kids has already passed. But there is a sense of loss when I see a quiet little boy and he’s reading a book in a restaurant or something, and I think: what a lovely little kid. I can see the joy between the parent and the child, but that’s a million times bigger when you can look at his face and he looks like you. He’s part of you. I can’t imagine what that feels like.”

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