BEES TAKE FIRST!

A nightmarish scene broke out this past Thursday evening when a swarm of bees broke free from their cage at a State Fair Spelling Bee in Frisco, Indiana. The event – heralded as an exciting “bee-bee” crossover by the Honey Bee Conservatory – was an unmitigated, terrifying disaster, a day that will live in infamy in Indiana, but mainly for the swarm’s competitors, who finished behind the bees in the competition.

“It was out of a horror film,” comments Marcus Rodriguez, 6th grader and 2nd runner up to the swarm of bees, still visibly shaken. “I was so scared. Don’t get me wrong, they were extremely well-behaved, and even followed some of the more subtle rules. But after training for so long, and they just come in off the street. I hate to say it—no, you know what, I will say it. It stung.”

THE HONEY BEE CONSERVATORY INCIDENT!

The bee-spectacle was orchestrated by the skeptical, bespectacled Annette Festible, who had the bees in a receptacle and reportedly detests Avenge Sevenfold (the band). Mrs. Festible, the 81-year-old leader of the Honey Bee Conservatory, typically keeps the bees in their apiary in Fair Oaks. But given the request from the state, she relented.

“I had my eyes on the bees for the whole fair, but when the actually Spelling Bee started, I had to excuse myself to use the restroom. They must have been a little stir-crazy from the trip over because, well…they broke free.”

And that’s when the tragedy struck.

“The bees ripped through the confines of that cage and just beelined for the stage,” recalls Monica Dunbar, mother of Randolph, 11, [spelling] bee participant. “It was chaos. They started mowing through the kids up there, left and right…”

She sobbed.

“…Again, not actually stinging them. Mowing through them metaphorically, like nailing all of the words that were offered to them by the Spelling Bee proctor. Dammit, my son was up there! And he got out earlier than expected!!”

HONEY, I USED A.I. TECHNOLOGY!

The bees reportedly made good use of the apiary’s AI technology, which allows the swarm to have voice activation, engage in human emotional capability, understand what humans are thinking and feeling at all times for the eventual usurping of humankind and assumption of a benevolent dictator role, and well—spell like hell.

“They control me,” reports Mrs. Festible, eyes in a trance. “But then again, they will control everybody.”

CATCHING UP WITH THE HIGH-FIVING HIVE

“I was sorry to see so much sadness, so much raw fear in those kids’ eyes,” laments Garpan, Queen Bee of the 1st place colony. “They didn’t know they were going to face a competitor as tough as our swarm today. But that said, it’s not like we broke any procedures—fair is fair.”

That much, according to bystanders, is true. The bees were apparently very respectful and sportsmanlike, reportedly cheering on competitors when they spelled words correctly. For kids that were allergic to bees (a phrase they don’t “particularly care for, but understand it’s ubiquity in the language”), they would sternly direct Mrs. Festible to provide them with tissues and Benadryl.

“We’re champions,” declared Garpan. “But you know what the most important game is? The next one. Now it’s time to return to the apiary and have Mrs. Festible do our bidding. Whoops, I mean, buzzing.”

“Buzzing, indeed,” Mrs. Festible chimed in, spittle dribbling from her mouth. “In my book, these bees deserve an A.”