No, We Don’t Need To End This Relationship Because We Disagree On Politics

How Finding Common Ground Can Save Your Relationship

A few years ago, I had a long-time friend completely cut ties with me because I was not a Bernie Sanders supporter. Despite the eight years of friendship, the opposition in values was simply too much for her, and she elected to exit the relationship, altogether.

Her reaction, roughly, when I broke the news to her.

The whole experience left me pretty bewildered and confused — how could someone throw away eight years of friendship so easily? Was our relationship so superficial to her that a mere difference of opinion warranted its termination?

In the three years that have come to pass since this incident, I’ve learned that this was not a special case. Many people around the United States are cutting ties with friends, family, and other members of their communities who don’t align with their political dogma. And, looking at it now, this isn’t as nearly as surprising to me as it was when it happened.

A Lack of ‘Identity Anchors’

Consider the following chart:

In it, we have a number of concentric circles which demonstrate various aspects of one’s identity. If you were to identify as the red dot on this chart, you may not share the same political views of the blue dot, but you would share the same patriotism and religious beliefs. In this, the two of you share a part of your identity and are then able to find common ground when disagreement or dispute arises.

But, in recent years, we’ve seen the erosion of a number of these competing interests or ‘identity anchors’ in our lives. Many people have turned away from patriotism, religion, family, etc… and have attempted to substitute curated online communities which show them only what they wish to see.

The closed-mindedness bred by this way of living causes individuals to distance themselves further from others who do not share their views and become outraged when challenged. This is exactly what happened in the case of my friend who ostracized me for not supporting Bernie Sanders. When I expressed my opinions, she saw no common ground between us and viewed my beliefs as a direct attack on her identity.

Finding Common Ground

When someone challenges a belief of yours and you both share a part of your identity, you’re forced to recognize that they aren’t completely crazy and are more willing to attempt to understand the difference of opinion. When there is no common ground, it’s very easy to dismiss them as nonsensical and ignore / disparage them.

Take some time to recognize the things that truly matter to you, in life. If your identity is dominated by one or two things, it may be in your interest to find and begin incorporating a few others into your life which align with your values (free values assessment, here). Doing so will broaden your perspective and help to mitigate sudden identity crises that arise from the loss of a core component of your identity (e.g. football player who suffers a career-ending injury).

Lastly, if you find yourself disagreeing with someone where one or both of you are feeling attacked, try to find common ground. This simple act can turn heated arguments into collaborative discussions and curtail potential damages to a relationship.