An open letter to Jennifer Love Hewitt

Dear Ms. Hewitt,

Can I call you Jennifer? No? How about Jenny? All right, Ms. Hewitt it is.

Big fan, big fan. Ever since the days of “Party of Five.”

Anyway, on the cover of the latest issue of Maxim, the magazine touts your recent photo shoot as your “sexiest shoot ever.” I quickly flipped through to find your photos, and although I’m not sure what I was expecting, I was a little disappointed. It was probably a little sexier than this Maxim shoot, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the Rolling Stone shoot that produced this wonderful pic.

Qualms aside, I’m writing today to implore you…no, to beg you, once and for all, to unleash the puppies. Much has been written about your ample bosom, and there isn’t much to say that hasn’t already been said. Simply stated, they’re spectacular. Or at least we think they are.

Herein lies the problem. You have been understandably reluctant to appear topless in any photo shoots or movies. I get it — you consider yourself a serious actress and you don’t want to sully your craft by appearing nude. But time is wearing thin. You just turned 30 in February and barring some plastic surgery, they’re never going to look quite as good as they do today.

So if you haven’t already, please find a photographer you trust and take some revealing (yet tasteful) photos. Like Jessica Alba’s derrier, your bosom is of monumental historical significance, and it needs to be documented. It is of no concern to me whether you decide to release the pictures now or if you choose to lock the negatives away in a safety deposit box somewhere in Iowa, I will sleep easier just knowing that they’re out there. Then maybe in 10 or 15 years, when your career needs a boost, you can quietly leak them. Even if you decided to wait until you were in your 90’s, I’d be happy to know that future generations would be able to Google “Jennifer Love Hewitt nude” and find something other than poorly Photoshopped fakes.

Who knows, depending on how they turn out, these pictures have the potential to do great things. It’s not inconceivable that the pictures produced from a full shoot could bring peace to the Middle East or even end the proliferation of nuclear weapons.

Don’t you see — you owe it to the world, Ms. Hewitt. Please don’t let us down.