Most people think of the Cannes film festival as a home for daring arthouse cinema and A-list actors. But, deep in the bowels of the Palais des Festivals, there is another Cannes that no one talks about, where distributors desperately try to hawk awful-sounding movies that may not actually exist, with awful-looking posters full of has-beens and never-weres. Here’s the pick of the worst films at the festival this year. Pray you never have to sit through any of these …

Tsunambee

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Tsunambee … there’s a sting in the tale.

The Syfy channel’s third law of straight-to-TV disaster movies states that an animal must be twinned with a dangerous weather event to create a half-decent pun in the title or you might as well not bother. So, following Sharknado is Tsunambee, which… doesn’t really make sense, does it? Wouldn’t the bees drown along with everyone else in a giant tidal wave? Oh, I’ve actually bothered to read the blurb and it turns out that the wave creates “giant gravity swells that contain thousands of giant killer bees, intent on ushering in the end of the world”. Which makes perfect sense, in that case.

Guillaume: La Jeunesse Du Conquérant (Young William the Conqueror)

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Sub-Norman … Young William the Conqueror

Which aspect of the life and times of William the Conqueror would best be turned into a film? The conquering, perhaps? Apparently not. This focuses on Willy Conks’s upbringing in Normandy, land of rain and underwhelming school trips. Guy Ritchie just tried the same origin story thing with King Arthur and, well, it didn’t go down brilliantly.

Bunnyman Vengeance

Bunnyman Vengeance … these bad guys are hopping mad.

“Inspired by true events,” screams the poster. I don’t know about you, but I cannot recall any reports of a man dressed in a rabbit suit running around mutilating people with a chainsaw. You would have thought that a story like that might have made the evening news. The blurb says Bunnyman Vengeance is a cross between “Friday the 13th” (the film) and “easter” (the, er, holiday).

Woman Seeks Farmer

Baking bad … Woman Seeks Farmer.

Wilfully ignoring the fact that, believe it or not, women can actually be farmers too these days is this inane-looking South African comedy. The real highlight here is that wonderfully garbled tagline: “One’s baking is always better when you’re in love”, which sounds like something Downton’s Dowager Countess would say, if she had severe concussion.

Executor

I don’t think the title of this film means what its makers think it means, unless Executor is about a rogue probate officer who goes about settling people’s estates … with extreme prejudice. Oh, and yes, that is The OC’s Mischa Barton there, giving a rueful little smile about where her career has ended up.

Clowntergeist

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Bloody red-nose day … Clowntergeist.

More hot portmanteau title action, though not even close to the punning standard of Tsunambee. “Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear …” Student debt. Kidding! It’s a killer ghost clown who’s going to make balloon animals out of her intestines or something.

Oversize Cops

Having it large … Oversize Cops.

“A police comedy film,” the poster for this Thai movie helpfully informs us, in case anyone thought it was a remake of Remains of the Day. But there is tragedy here, too: if only those cops had filed through that narrow alleyway in an orderly fashion they might not have all got stuck there, probably for ever.

Haunted Airplane

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Flight night … Haunted Airplane.

In which the ghost of a United Airlines customer returns to wreak vengeance on the flight attendants who dragged him unceremoniously off an overcrowded 747. Nah, not really; it’s just some bobbins about a haunted box unleashing the depths of hell on economy class. Bizarrely, all the character names in this film seem to start with an S: Sullivan, Smith, Strand and, my personal favourite, Stobbs.

The Humanity Bureau

Facebook Twitter Pinterest Cage of chance … The Humanity Bureau

Or, rather: Oh, the Humanity Bureau, as it is being called on Twitter. This looks like one of those trashy films Nicolas Cage periodically makes to pay off the tax bill on his mansion in Bath. The tagline is quite intriguing, though: Escape From New America. Has Cage made the first great film of the Trump era? No, no he definitely has not.