Cross cultures

From language acquisition to raising children, international marriages aren’t what people commonly think they are

By Cindy Brandt / Contributing reporter





Due to globalization, Taiwan has experienced an increasingly robust expatriate community, leading to a rise in cross-border marital unions. People finding love in those holding different passports are walking a newly forged path in this global phenomenon, and often their family units face a litany of common misconceptions from broader society. Hearing the voices of those married internationally reveal helpful information which can help us understand these alternative families.

One common misconception is an overly simplistic view of the immigration process, assuming when one marries another of a different nationality, both parties automatically become dual citizens of each other’s corresponding countries.

“Taiwanese people ask me if I am a Taiwanese citizen,” says Amanda Wu, a US citizen married to Lawrance Wu (吳裕仁), who is Taiwanese. “They aren’t aware of their own country’s laws that in order for me to become a Taiwanese citizen, I must give up my US citizenship first.”

Jason and Cindy Brandt. Photo courtesy of Jason & Cindy Brandt

On the flip side, although it is true, as movies like The Proposal portray, marriage is one of the most efficient ways to acquire US citizenship, it is still a multi-year process with strict residency requirements. Unless the couple is residing in the US, the non-US spouse cannot apply to become a US citizen.

LANGUAGE AND CULTURE

Citizenship isn’t the only difficult thing to transfer. The sharing of culture and language is far more complicated than assumed. Expats in Taiwan who are married to Taiwanese often get asked, “why don’t you learn Mandarin from your spouse?”

Amanda and Lawrance Wu. Photo courtesy of Amanda & Lawrance Wu

This, often wrongly, assumes the expat doesn’t already speak Mandarin prior to marrying locally.

“I’d lived in Taiwan for six years and had studied Chinese in college. But when people find out I am married to a Taiwanese man they automatically think that must be why my Chinese is good,” says Wu.

Additionally, the advice to learn language from one’s spouse reflects a certain naivete in the nature of marriage. Maintaining a healthy marriage requires relieving stress on the relationship, not adding on the difficult job of learning language.

Beth and Leo Wei. Photo courtesy of Beth & Leo Wei

“Marriage isn’t a teacher-student relationship,” says Beth Wei, an American citizen married to Taiwanese, Leo Wei (魏子堯).

“We used English while we were dating and now my husband thinks it’s strange to talk to me in Chinese. And honestly, I do too. You get used to operating in that one language.” Beth and Leo do help each other learn English idioms and Chinese characters, but their primary identity with each other is spouse, not language tutor.

DEBUNKING A MYTH

Shannon Ingleby and Zhao Haike. Photo courtesy of Shannon Ingleby and Zhao Haike

Many people think cross-cultural marriages must be extra difficult. Amanda Wu debunks this myth.

“In some ways we find that our international marriage is actually easier since we make less assumptions,” Wu says.

“Instead of jumping to the conclusion that he’s being selfish or mean or disrespectful, I first assume it must be a cultural thing which allows us a chance to talk about the reasons behind whatever it was that offended or hurt,” she adds.

People who marry within their own culture often overlook differences in each other’s worldview, assuming a single culture breeds only one type of lifestyle. But every marriage is cross cultural, bridging divides between habits and ideologies of two families.

International couples do not easily make this mistake. They start with the assumption that both sides have differing ideas of how to build a marriage and family, and move forward from there.

Other benefits include not having to negotiate holiday traditions.

“We don’t have epic battles over whose family we will spend Mid-Autumn Festival with or whose Christmas traditions we are going to follow,” says Wu.

RAISING CHILDREN

Expecting families often receive a barrage of unwanted advice and comments about their upcoming addition and parenting. In Taiwan, it is commonly believed that mixed-race children are more beautiful.

Expectant mother Shannon Ingleby, a US citizen married to a Chinese husband, Zhao Haike (趙海科), likes to respond by sarcastically saying: “Well, no pressure at all to have a gorgeous child.”

This is an unfair misconception. Beauty lies in the eyes of adoring parents, and a child’s attractiveness depends more on their gene pool than whether or not their parents are of different racial backgrounds.

Inundated with constant comments on how beautiful their daughter is, Lawrance Wu now quips back with: “All children are beautiful.”

Besides the expectation of a flawless appearance, children of cross-national parents are also expected to be born cooing in multiple languages.

The reality is language learning takes place according to specific social environments, and the level of language ability varies depending on the kinds of interactions the child is provided. If both parents speak one dominant language to the child, they will learn that language instead of absorbing multiple languages by osmosis simply because their parents know different languages.

One of the most effective ways to ensure a child is bilingual is a method called OPOL (One Parent One Language). The Wei family adopts this language system.

“Their dad talks to them in [Mandarin] and I speak English to them,” says Wei. “It’s actually worked. Our oldest already has incredible translation skills,” she says of her three year old.

For families who operate mainly in one single language, it is still an uphill climb to raise bilingual children.

People are drawn to what is new and different; this is what makes other cultures interesting to us. Taiwanese are fascinated by Christmas celebration rituals while Westerners find Lunar New Year customs intriguing. When there’s a blend of two cultures in one family, outsiders lurk to find curiosities about their everyday habits. Consistent with Taiwan’s all-consuming love of everything food-related, the number one question directed at internationally married couples is: “What do you eat?”

BREAKING BREAD

“Do I cook Chinese food? Does my husband eat Western food? Where do I shop, the import stores or the local markets?” These are a sampling of the questions Wei says she is regularly asked.

The culture surrounding mealtime is also often a blend. For example, many bicultural couples say they use chopsticks to eat spaghetti. These habits formed organically out of sharing a life together.

International couples don’t mind fielding some questions out of curiosity, but a constant caricature of their private lifestyle as exotic can become tiresome.

With international marriages on the rise, people are discovering that love transcends shared background. It is a mistaken notion that two people from different cultures cannot connect as deeply as those of the same kind.

The reality is we find common ground in areas beyond our geographical citizenship: in faith, philosophy, passion, hobbies, habits and life goals. People may come from different places but can choose to journey together. The essence of marriage is bringing the richness of two lives and tangling common threads to weave into one strand. For international marriages, the strand consists of many colorful threads, but their bond can be just as strong.