I don’t know what the fuck happened. I woke up one day and there was a “curvy” (thick) Barbie and calls for tolerance for women who are overweight. For some reason there are people out there who think that if they call something unfair and attempt to make it mainstream it will somehow change the condition. Sorry children, that’s not how it works. In fact, if you think about it, it’s really unfair to people who take the extra time out of their day not to be obese. “Body shaming” is based on the natural laws of attraction and it’s totally normal. It shouldn’t be considered misogynistic, unless you just want to call human nature misogynistic.

This whole realization began when I matched with some chick on Tinder and decided to meet her out and about. Now, any Tinder veteran knows you have to add a good fifteen to twenty pounds because of course she’s going to use pics from when you could bounce a quarter off her ass, like this girl did. So I showed up and the girl had a double chin. Totally false advertising. She wasn’t obese, but she had definitely put on a few (dozen) pounds. To be fair, I’m reasonable, and I totally get being busy and not having the time to work out and all those other excuses we use when we start developing a spare tire. Even though I am a guy, I can still sympathize. I get it. But I wasn’t attracted to her. I just wasn’t. Maybe if she looked like she did when those pics were taken I’d have liked to stick it, but that’s a different story. If you think about it, though, it’s not that unfair. We know what we guys are attracted to: tight bodies, nice asses, big tits. Not necessarily in that order. But is “body shaming” really THAT unfair?

Based on well established empirical evidence, women are less concerned with the dad bod and more concerned with height. Women dig tall guys. It’s just a fact. In fact, some women actually have a rule that they won’t date a guy under six feet tall. Well, I would say, now I could be totally wrong, that it is easier to work some butter fat off your ass than it is to suddenly grow a few inches. Women can actually fix that and make themselves more attractive. But a guy has to work with what he has, so since he can’t control his height he works on the size of his wallet and occasionally the size of his gut. Tall guys do the same to gain the competitive advantage, but let’s be honest, they don’t need it as much. It’s just nature.

I’m not just placing this on women. I’m trying to get in shape. I know my stock goes up with the fewer chins I have. A solid jawline goes well with my glorious mane. And I put in the work and have the willpower to do it. The people constantly trying to better themselves are always going to find themselves in better situations with hotter poontang. Don’t be a gym-rat douchebag, but respect yourself. And don’t expect the primal sources of attraction to just go away because you get a bunch of people together and bitch about it with a fucking hashtag. Human nature isn’t negotiable. Just put forward the best version of yourself and eventually someone hot will fondle your delicate parts..