Yes you are reading this correctly, the NFL Rewind is back. Credit to Coley for asking me if I wanted to bring this back this year, my schedule is a disaster in football season but we’ve worked out a way to get this done every week. Coley will be doing half the rewind as well as compiling all the clips needed to put this together. We’re going to collaborate on the content and make sure you get this blog every week this season. So thank you to Coley, no chance I would be able to do this without him, his AFC rewind is dropping in a few minutes. So without further ado, let’s roll.

First time in NFL history a game ended with this score. Also first time in NFL history every single person in America got eliminated from their Survivor Pool in Week 1 and had every teaser tied to the Saints blow up. Yeah I’m talking to you, yes you.

I’ve long said that Ryan Fitzpatrick is like herpes. The NFL caught a case however many years ago and there will be periods of time where the herpes are dormant and you forget that you have them, then when you least expect it you’ll have a flare up and be reminded of his existence. Yesterday morning we all woke up with bumps on our dick, that’s Fitzmagic.

CHOO CHOO

*CT in the Challenge voice*

You know Fitzpatrick is feeling it when refs are actually calling roughing the passer penalties for him. That’s the “made it” point for a QB. Backups don’t get flags, no one cares about Charlie Whitehurst or Blaine Gabbert’s health, Ryan Fitzpatrick on the other hand is an asset we must protect!

So the Saints Defense, let’s talk about it. Apparently they just needed to get slapped in the face by a perennial backup that went to Harvard. Not sure how that makes any sense but credit to Marshon Lattimore for owning it.

I said this on PMT but I honestly need the Saints D to continue to suck. I need every game to be a shootout. Last year fucked my brain up and I lost so much betting on Saints Overs. There are certain things we as fans need to rely on. Oregon scores a million points, the Patriots are one half of a tease every week, Ravens unders, and the Saints defense sucks. Don’t mess with us.

Oh and Football is back in the Big Easy.

Ready to risk it all.

Need to not lose to Ryan fucking Fitzpatrick before you break out the “Atl Led By 25″ custom jersey, guy.

49ers 16, Vikings 24

I swear to God Kirk Cousins is shorter in Vikings purple. I know this to be true. Just look at this shit

And then this.

This

And then this

I don’t want to be reactionary Week 1 guy but this is definitely a story everyone needs to track. Kirk Cousins is 3 inches shorter now that he’s on the Vikings. Also people don’t forget.

To the game. Poor Richard Sherman got caught in the spin cycle.

This right here is why the Vikings spent on Kirk Cousins. Is he a top 5 QB? Hell no. But these are the throws Case Keenum doesn’t make routinely, absolute dime.

As for the other Quarterback. You remember him right? Hall of Famer Jimmy Garoppolo? The guy everyone said was the best Quarterback in the entire world based on 5 games at the end of the season last year? About that…

That’s better

Again, if the Vikings D plays like last year and these are the throws Cousins is making week in week out, it won’t matter that he’s suddenly a dwarf, they’re for real.

HoF sign, even if I’m slightly confused.

Jaguars 20, Giants 15

BOAT BOAT BOAT BOAT BOAT

Running past the haters.

Let’s play Good/Bad for the Giants

Good, Saquon is so legit.

Bad, he almost lost his head.

Good, Odell Beckham is back.

Bad, so is Ereck Flowers.

And also old Eli

I love Football fans, just a different breed of human being.

Redskins 24, Cardinals 6

*GLASS SHATTERS*

*A LONG SLEEVE SLOWLY DROPS FROM THE RAFTERS*

*THE CROWD STARTS CHANTING SAMMY SAMMY SAMMY*

“Oh My God, is that Sam Bradford’s Music????”

Yes, yes it is.

Stay strong Kid, because if you wait long enough that guy will someday net you 2-3 first round picks.

And remember, God is on your side.

I am here for the Adrian Peterson renaissance. Football fans need to remember just how good he really was.

And the legend of his dip packing ability.

HOG

All time interception celebration

And Alex Smith continues to somehow be underrated.

Is this man a Genius?

Nah probably not, you’re right.

Cowboys 8, Panthers 16

New haircut, Same Joe. Big brain stuff.

Cam Newton, great Quarterback, all time asshole of a dresser.

It’s hard to dress like a NASCAR checkered flag AND a guy who is getting ready to steal 101 dalmatians but somehow Cam did it.

When you dress like an asshole you can’t also play like one, good thing Cam backed it up

Nothing better than a punter/kicker running for their life as a Defensive Line chases him down.

Cowboys back?

Just kidding.

The fact that Norv Turner has a new job proves that you can be killed a thousand times in the NFL and never die.

Bears 23, Packers 24

There was no Sunday Night Game this week. See you all Week 2.