The question isn't if you'll watch the Oscars, because of course you will. The question is how you'll watch the Oscars, and I have seven answers for you, which range from practical means to highly subjective advice. Perhaps it goes without saying that you'll be well served if you have a TV, a sense of humor and a well-stocked liquor cabinet.

(Also, Michigan readers - if you're seeing this prior to 11:50 p.m. Feb. 27, 2016, be sure to enter our Pick of the Flicks Oscar contest, which offers 150 Celebration Cinema movie passes as a grand prize.)

1. Old school live TV: If you haven't cut the cord or are still wrapping the rabbit ears with aluminum foil, the ceremony airs at 8:30 p.m. on ABC, and if you're lucky, it may end by Tuesday.

2. New school streaming: You can stream the show at ABC.com or with the Watch ABC app - albeit with two major caveats: You need proof of your pay-TV provider, and the stream is only available in select markets - Chicago, Fresno, Houston, Los Angeles, New York City, Philadelphia, Raleigh-Durham and San Francisco. So if you don't live in these areas, here's your opportunity to take that Megabus trip to Fresno you've been putting off for so long.

Looking for fashion? E is streaming the Red Carpet at the Oscars starting at 5:30 p.m. EST. You can also watch on Hulu.

ABC's coverage of the Red Carpet starts at 7 p.m. The ceremony begins at 8:30 p.m.

3. Monday on your DVR: This way, you can go to bed early, and fast-forward through the boring stuff, which is at least 80 percent of the show. Of course, if you want to be surprised, you'll have to ignore all media - Facebook, radio, telegrams, etc. - to avoid spoilers. To achieve this, I suggest gouging out your eyes and sticking them in your ears, or wrapping your entire head in opaque cellophane.

4. Backstage stuff: The official Oscar website will offer supplemental content via cameras in the audience and behind the curtains, because one paltry glowing screen showing images and commercials just isn't enough for your tragically splintered attention span. Watching TV isn't just a passive activity anymore, you know - it's an opportunity to relax and multitask at the same time! If your left hand is on the TV remote and your right hand needs something to do on a laptop, then your tongue is free to tap out tweets on your phone.

5. Red carpet coverage: The fashion show starts at 7 p.m. It's your chance to appreciate the journalistic depth of dingbat morning-show hosts' questions for celebrities: "Who are you wearing?" they'll prattle. "Are you revved up about 'The Revenant'?" they'll dribble. "Wow! 'Spotlight.' Wow!" they'll ask, not realizing it isn't a question. "Can you please launch us all into the nearest supernova?" you'll ask your god.

6. With realistic expectations: You know the ceremony will be too long. You know some of host Chris Rock's jokes will fail. You know there'll be three montages too many. You know you'll perform poorly in the Oscar pool. You know your favorite movies are too good to actually win. So why expect anything else?

7. Drunk: A preferred method for watching the Oscars is the altered state, which theoretically makes all the insufferable speeches, rampant phoniness, indulgent back-patting, awkward teleprompter reading and the inevitable "Mad Max: Fury Road" best picture loss more tolerable.

John Serba is film critic and entertainment reporter for MLive.com. Email him at jserba@mlive.com or follow him on Twitter or Facebook.