Pangburn, Arkansas – Reverend Lucius E. Polk is selling Heaven’s Air out of his 2009 Ford Focus hatchback and believers are loving it. Reverend Polk is selling empty mason jars supposedly filled with the air of Heaven for $8.99 and can’t keep up with the demand.

”God is blessing me spiritually and financially,” the man of God stated. “My mustard seed of faith is growing so much I can now afford to buy those 20 dollar scratch tickets.”

The label on Heaven’s Air bills the product as ‘110% pure air from Heaven’ and ‘You too can breathe the same air as our LORD Jesus above.’

Reverend Polk tells of all the health benefits from cracking open a mason jar of Heaven’s Air and breathing its contents. *They include but are not limited too:

Dislodge Bile

Cure Sick-Headache

Female Ailments

Colicky Pains

Vapours from the Spleen

Skepticism

Gripes

Dropsy

Users of Heaven’s Air report miraculous healings and spiritual awakenings. Janet Mason of Big Bend swears Heaven’s Air is her mother’s little helper. “Whenever my 8 kids start gnawing on the drywall, I just open a jar and my day gets divine.” Ava Devine of Malvern, Arkansas insists her female ailments became submissive to the LORD.

Local health officials are warning the populace not to spend their hard earned money on untested atmosphere. There’s no way to confirm Reverend Polk’s claims that angels take the mason jars to heaven every night to fill them with heaven’s air. “God doesn’t work that way. You pray His plan doesn’t include you getting cancer. When you get cancer, you thank Him for the privilege,” Klan County Chief Leecher Andrew Canard stated.

People aren’t listening, however. They love those mason jars and there’s no end in sight of Heaven’s Air.

*This list is based on Daffy’s Elixir and Beecham’s Pills.

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