It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup! Let’s check out some new releases!

Taeyeon – Dear Me

This just in: Taeyeon is definitely pregnant. Just look at those clothes, straight from the “maternal and trying to hide it” rack at City Chic. Theory #2: Maybe she’s Chen’s date. In fact maybe both #1 and #2 are true, in which case congratulations Chen and Taeyeon, and how about a “couples” interview?

BTS – Black Swan

You might be confused about the choice of instrumental here but the strings are just to fit the artsy dance theme, the version of this song on the actual single has the shitty worthless trap beat that you’d naturally expect that horrid Autotune whining to be paired with. I guess they had to leave the Autotune in, because if they removed it, with such a sparse arrangement it would probably just reveal how BTS couldn’t carry a song like this vocally without electronic help. Safe to say that nobody’s going to stream this pretentious fake-artsy crap anyway except already-brainwashed BTS fans.

Zico – Any Song

This cheap Casio samba nonsense or whatever just knocked BTS off the charts which just goes to show that even Koreans are sick of trap these days.

TVXQ! – Manazashi

I guess TVXQ finally knocked off one achievement and got on the favourites list finally, so now they’re aiming for the worst list. I guess it’s only January so anything’s possible.

Solar x Kassy – A Song From The Past

I love how at 1:22 they pretend that they’re taking turns singing when they’re clearly not because the vocal line sounds like it’s from the same person each time. “Vocal talent” my ass, more like “acting talent”.

Craxy – My Universe

Some debut – I remember when debuts used to be fast and punchy because people realised the pressure was on to make a good first impression. Not anymore!

Kim Jaejoong – Tender Love

I’m pretty sure that it is not technically possible to write a song called “Tender Love” and have that song also be any good. I don’t recall any songs called “Tender Love” on Metallica’s “Kill ‘Em All” and that’s because they knew it was too-hard basket, so why is Jaejoong bothering.

Jan Di Kum – Banana Chacha Trot

Yeah it’s that same fucking song Momoland did, but it sounds a little bit better here due to not dropping to a shitty half-time reggae/trap hybrid beat for no reason, and the choice of vocal delivery in the chorus being delivered in a slightly less intense shade of annoying.

Junoflo – Bonez

Wasn’t expecting much, but it’s actually pretty good. I didn’t know this guy actually had beats. Here’s hoping he has more than one.

Bol4 – Love

This is actually from last year sometime but keeping track of Korean artists’ shit Japanese releases is impossible so there’s always a large delay on these things. In this case, because they write their own songs, BOL4’s Japanese stuff sounds not a bit different to their Korean stuff. In other words, not very good.

Bol4, Vanilla Acoustic, Sweden Laundry, Twenty Years Of Age, Letter Flow, Kim Ji Soo, Wh3n, Boramiyu, Choiyuri – Awkward

A bunch of boring cunts get together and make shit music, woo hoo.

2Z – My 1st Hero

Actually sounds a lot more like a western boy band than most western boy bands do now.

Purple Whale – I Only Let Go Of Your Hand When I Hug You

How’s that for a cringe song title? Stop normalising clinginess, people! Still, it’s okay, in a kind of cruisy nothingy way, I guess.

Luhan – Dream Up

He’s still using that fucking moose or whatever as an avatar in his music videos. Luhan furry fandom forum admin confirmed.

Yook Sungjae – Chicken

I don’t even know if I should count shit like this for roundup. A pox on msuic videos where the sound fades down every ten seconds for someone to say some stupid comment.

Ha Yoonbin (Ben) – Wounds

I’m already confused that there’s a woman in k-pop called Ben, I don’t need this guy calling himself Ben too. Can we have a moratorium on new Bens in k-pop please.

Sidecar – Outcast

Nice colour coordination you cunts. This is the most un-punk thing ever. They might not be able to find their place in society but at least they found it on the colour wheel.

Yoon Jong Shin ft. Yumdda – Spare

Looks like Miramar in PUBG. I really wanted someone to be hiding in a bush at the side of the road with an uzi to try and spray down the car. I always die in the game doing silly stuff like that but if a stray bullet hits the car stereo and stops the song it’s worth.

Gracy – Lost My Way

This sounds absolutely nothing like I thought it was going to sound, and she sings nothing like I thought she would sing. Undecided on whether that’s a good thing or not, but it perked me up for about three minutes while sifting through all the boring crap this week so thanks Gracy I guess.

Meenoi – 3M

Oh lord what were they thinking with those keyboards.

Eian – Rainy Day

Eww, gross. Keep your disgusting kids off YouTube.

Yammo ft. Guapdad 4000 – Bad Habits

Oh my god, don’t write a stupid song about it, just call Lifeline or something and get the help you need.

Insooni – Happy

Imagine wasting such good animation skills on crap like this. Go make a cool feature film and stop wasting your time and ours encouraging bad musicians.

Yoon Gun – 12 Times A Day

There were so many ballads this week that were submitted that I just left out of roundup completely. I should have left this one out too.

Kim Heejin – I Can’t Forget You

This one however got to stay in due to the cinematic trotness of it. It’s actually pretty cool and needs to be played over some James Bond ending credits.

Younha ft. BX – Winter Flower

And this is good too. The rapper in this video here is RX from CIX, but BM from BTS does it on the studio version. Fuck these acronym-rappers hey, get yourself a proper rap name guys geez. Like seriously what was wrong with “Rap Monster”, that was actually a good name, why shorten it to two boring letters. Anyway this is a much better song than Younha’s other one, the vocals are a bit overdone but the music edges toward heavy metal territory so the showing off actually fits for once.

BONUS RANDOM VIDEO OF THE WEEK

IU and her big fuck-off bodyguard Mr. Park

Don’t worry too much about your bias and security from the wackos, yes stalkers, sasaens and other pieces of shit are a concern, but hiring thuggish heavy-hitters to protect your faves is one of the only areas that the k-pop industry knows how to do well (can’t imagine why ahem). There’s a whole platoon of these people lurking in the shadows ready to lay the smackdown on any errant fan behaviour, as certain people recently learned the hard way. Stan Mr. Park oppar.

That’s all for this week – roundup will return next week with more new songs!