The Canadian Grand Prix saw the introduction of a new cost-saving strategy for the struggling Lotus team in which both the cars are retired before the drivers can break them.

‘I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,’ said an anonymous Lotus engineer. ‘Instead of letting Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber rag about the place until they twat into something, we just let them do a few laps so all the sponsors’ logos get on telly then we tell them there’s a problem and pull them into the pit garage for a DNF before they cost us another million dollars’ worth of knackered carbon fibre.’

According to our mole, the point at which each driver is ready to be pulled in varies, as was seen in Montreal. ‘We generally have a feel for when they’re getting close to the point of binning it,’ he reveals. ‘The sign that Romain is on the verge of crashing is that he gets a bit erratic and snaps something minor like a rear wing. And the sign that Pastor is on the verge of crashing is that he’s in the car.’

Insiders insist the new Lotus strategy is a temporary measure to save money and will be abandoned when the mystery financial backer they’re always on about finally signs a deal. That is to say, never.