Killer Shark Killed by Drunk Serbian (With Assist from his Butt)

One of the problems with the "media" (DON'T YOU JUST HATE THEM?? ME, TOO!!), is they never have any "feel good" stories! It's always about rape and torture and genital mutilation and strangling bunnies for the fun of it and drowning toddlers because sometimes they just won't shut up! They also never feature any stories about drunk people doing cool things. Like indirectly killing sharks with their butts. I'm totally gonna write the New York Post, and bitch them out for never printing any stories like... oh. Here's one now.

A Serbian man reportedly has become a hero in Egypt — by accidentally killing a shark with his butt while drunk. Dragan Stevic was soused to the gills while partying at the Red Sea resort Sharm El Sheikh when he inadvertently felled the beast that had been terrorizing tourists for weeks. Stevic cannonballed into the water from a high-diving board, according to a Macedonian news agency. Instead of making a splash, he came down right on the shark's head, killing the toothed terror instantly. The fun-loving party boy was immediately touted as a local hero who saved tourist season, which had dried up after the shark had injured three people and killed one vacationer. Stevic swam to shore and is currently in the hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning.

I am so glad this happened while I was alive. And so now... I die. (Releases a dove into the air, as a final tear runs down my cheek. Then... fin.)