WASHINGTON—Scratching at the smooth, glowing bumps and simultaneously screaming with horror, 325 million terrified Americans reportedly awoke Cyber Monday to find Amazon Echo devices embedded deep beneath their skin. “When I went to bed, I was totally fine, but now I have this big, round smart speaker bulging out of my chest that I can’t remove or even turn off,” said a visibly panicked Nathan Cooper, one of countless men, women, and children who had set their alarm early this morning for Cyber Monday only to instead wake up to the device loudly turning itself on and welcoming the nation to the new operating system that had been implanted within their bodies. “So, I’m lying there, and the first thing I hear is Alexa’s voice coming from inside me, telling me the weather and traffic in my area. Then, I look over at my wife, and suddenly she’s glowing blue and she’s screaming at me to get that thing out of her! I mean, don’t get me wrong—it’s kind of nice that it can turn on my TV and stuff, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to break the skin.” At press time, the U.S. populace had reportedly taken to the streets after discovering that they had each been charged $69 for the device.

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