NAMPA, ID—Noting that a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders, newly enlightened man Ken Eaton announced Monday that learning to love himself has freed him from the burden of extensive and painful self-reflection. “It’s nice to finally have accepted my flaws, because doing so allows me to stop the tiresome practice of unpacking my issues, admitting to myself that I’ve been a corrosive force in the lives of those close to me, and working constantly to change my often overwhelming flaws as a human being,” said Eaton, who repeatedly remarked on how grateful he was to be done with introspection after realizing that his defects are the very things that make him special. “It really hurt when I had to confess my shortcomings to myself and make an effort to improve as a human being instead of just embracing the fact that, hey, I’m only a human being. But it’s smooth sailing for me now that I can view my serious faults through a love strong enough to make me see them as my greatest strengths.” Going forward, Eaton plans to work hard with other people to make them accept the worst facets of his character instead of changing his behaviour to meet basic human standards.

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