I thought I’d have a little fun today by demonstrating how each winner of Survivor has an equivalent American president. This is a game I’m gonna play, so is it perfect? Yes. Yes it is.

Richard Hatch started it all. He set up how to play the game for all future winners. He was the head of an alliance that barely got along. Moreover, he reveled in the chaos that he himself enflamed. So who was a president who set the precedent for all future leaders? Who spent a lot of time mediating the egos of Alexander Hamilton, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson? Who led a revolution and became the leader of an entire country by stepping up the ladder of chaos he created following a devastating Seven Years’ War that he himself started? Of course that person was George Washington.

Tina Wesson was a remarkable win er . At the time of Australian Outback, the viewers largely supported Colby over Tina. There was a feeling at the time that Colby represented everything a Survivor winner should be — adventurous, charming, and a bit humorous. But when the votes were read at the reunion, Colby had fallen and Tina had prevailed. The reaction was not all that positive at the time. But as the years passed, people came to see the real Tina Wesson. She was smart. She was strong. She was ruthless. Even though she was a backup, she eventually gained recognition as the years went by. Who else experienced this sort of accidental rise to power and eventual respect? What president took the mantle from possibly the most popular president of all time, and has been regaining respect years later? Was that president strong, ruthless, smart, and willing to take risks like, I don’t know, dropping a couple nuclear bombs on another country? That man was Harry Truman.

Ethan Zohn was the nice, popular kid. He attached himself to a conniving partner, and made sure to become friends with all of his tribemates. And he worked. He did a lot of work at camp because he cared for people’s wellbeing. He stepped out of the politics of the game to care for the needy. He was just the best guy on the season at the time. When he came back for All Stars, anti-winner sentiment prevented him from making it far into the game. Which president also succeeded because he had attached himself to a conniving partner, but allowed himself to befriend people of all types? Which president stepped out of the political realm to accomplish real things he cared about? What president was prevented from moving forward because of a previous administration? This president became the accidental vice president to Richard Nixon, who committed such a large sin that when this president took over after Nixon resigned, this president could not move forward and win an election. i’m talking of course about Gerald Ford.

Vecepia Towery was an under-the-radar winner. No one saw her coming, but when she did her job, she was smart, efficient, and very successful. We’re looking for a president that was a dark horse candidate but then exceeded all expectations. That president is always under everyone’s radar, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t have one of the most successful presidencies of all time. I’m speaking of the dark horse candidate, the successful yet oft-forgot president James Polk.

Brian Heidik. Oh boy. This man. He killed it. He had a plan and executed it and ruthlessly won the game. The man was an excellent winner but clearly a sociopath. The president who won elections just as ruthlessly? The president who was clearly a sociopath? Richard Nixon.

Jenna Morasca was not a great winner. She became so melancholy that she nearly quit the game. She wasn’t very popular with the fans. She basically won by accident, because Rob was unable to win final immunity and she miraculously hadn’t quit the game by then. Also, she was very, very, ridiculously good looking. So who was a reluctant president plagued by melancholy who suffered from unpopularity? Also, he needs to be very, very, ridiculously good looking. What a perfect fit we could find with the one and only Franklin Pierce, who was probably an alcoholic, spent a lot of time grieving over his son’s tragic death, was disliked by nearly everyone, and could have done some male modeling back in his day.

Sandra Diaz-Twine won Pearl Islands against the odds. Her season was dominated by bigheads like Rupert, Fairplay, Burton, and Skinny Ryan (okay, not him). When she won, it felt a bit underwhelming. But then she came back, and holy crap, she did it again. What were the odds? That means we need a president who won against the odds not once but twice, who gained respect as the years went by. I want you to imagine you are living in the 1880s. The Republican Party has dominated politics for years. Yet somehow, a Democrat wins the presidency. And then, what the hell, he comes back later and does it again, once again while Republicans are still dominating politics. This president was unpopular, but as the years have gone by, public reception has skyrocketed. The big man here is Grover Cleveland.

Amber Brkich had a funny name, and a lot of raw talent. But come on. She won because of her now-husband, Boston Rob. That much is clear. She was not a very good player. The president with a funny name, a lot of raw talent, familial connections, and poor performance? It’s a match made in Heaven, ladies and gentlemen. Introducing John Quincy Adams!

Chris Daugherty was the last man standing on his season. He waited for his competition to devour itself and then snuck his way to the end. He might be the most unlikely winner to have won the game. And my god, did he lie to get there. What a freaking liar that man was! What got him there? His fallen comrades: Sarge, Rory, that other guy. He vowed revenge against the women that took his friends away and humiliated him. This season was like kill bill except Uma Thurman was a redneck from Ohio or something. The most unlikely president of all time, who got there by letting his competition devour itself? The man who lied, and lied, and lied? The man who ran for president to get revenge for the humiliation he suffered at the hands of the most important person on television, Seth Meyers? That’s right. This post is about ol’ Donnie Trump.

Now we get to Tom Westman, one of the most successful winners in Survivor history. Tom dominated his tribe so much so that his tribe took over the other tribe and there was no actual merge. He was so dominant that he never was actually in any trouble in the first place. The producers tried to make you think that somebody could take him down. Was it going to be Colby? Was it going to be Stephenie? Was it going to be Ian? Of course that was all manipulation by the media. Tom won because he was smart, he was strong, and he knew what he was doing. So who is the best match for that? Barack Obama: the president who was never really in any trouble and all questions of whether he would lose we’re basically media manipulation. He was smart and he knew what he was doing and he got the job done.

Danni Boatwright. The Forgotten winner. She was very under the radar and in fact it was a bit of a surprise that she won. There was some serious competition yet she was able to endure and make away all the way to the end. She had a killer social game and a strategy that she wouldn’t actually tell anyone about. It was almost like she won by accident. Another one of those. But she was a good winner and it’s a shame that people forgot about her. So who would be the president that best fits Danny? It would be a President eho ascended by accident following the death of his predecessor. It would be the president who is largely forgotten what was decent at his job. It’ll be a president who was known for making personal connections. Obviously, and there’s no way that you haven’t thought of this, that person is no other than the one and only Millard Fillmore.

Aras Basgjkajksfjkdkas. The exotic, handsome winner who relied heavily on his strong social game. And yet, he was a leader and a strong competitor. Keep in mind, he also relied on the implosion of his competitors (Cirie, Terry, etc.). He’s probably not as great as we remember, but I’ll be damned if he has a hell of a legend. Now let’s picture a young, handsome, charming Irish boy. He was a leader and a strong competitor and let Richard Nixon destroy himself. Is he as great as we remember? Probably not. But there is a hell of a legend surrounding John F. Kennedy.

Yul Kwon. Perhaps the most successful winner of Survivor. Once again, the odds were against this person. Members of his own tribe betrayed him and mutinied. However, he went on to win due to his intelligence, superior strategy, and the essential comfort that he radiated. I’m not sure what else I need to say to make it clear that he is definitely Abraham Lincoln.

Earl Cole invented his own game. He hadn’t seen Survivor before, but he sure was able to figure out how to win. He made it far with a little help from his friends, but this man excelled and made his own mark on the game. In that same fashion, James Madison worked with numerous colleagues to form the American government. He is the father of the Constitution and was actually a pretty successful president.

Todd Herzog is another brilliant winner. He was slick, charming, and could easily manipulate people like Jean-Robert. We know he’s sleazy, but we love him anyway. Just like Todd, Bill Clinton has mastered the art of winning you over despite the fact that you know he’s using you.

Parvati Shallow, the oddly named black widow. When she came back for Micronesia, fans of the show were a little confused as to what she was doing there. She was not America’s first choice. But by showing her cunning and her ability to control others, she proved us wrong. Similarly, Lyndon Johnson was not America’s first choice, but he accomplished a hell of a lot with his powerful performance as president. Also, both Parvati and Lyndon used their sex organs in influential ways.

Bob Crowley was just a complete accident. He didn’t do anything right. Just confusing. That’s John Tyler.

JT was a hell of a winner. At first glance, he should be one of the greatest of all time. But since his two return runs, we’ve realized his legacy has been ruined. He was very deserving of the title of the GOAT, right up until he screwed up. Who else just completely ruined their run? John Adams. What were they thinking?

Natalie White also won Survivor. You probably didn’t know that, because she didn’t say much. You may call her Calvin Coolidge.

Fabio, like Bob, probably shouldn’t have won. But he did and we love him anyway, despite his many, many missteps. He’s also adorably stupid. I’ve never seen a better match than George W. Bush.

Boston Rob had four runs. He is known for his very strong leadership and his ability to organize and rally supporters. He also has a very recognizable accent. Another leader who fits this description? Franklin Roosevelt.

Sophie Clarke wasn’t meant to win Survivor. Let’s be honest. Jeff was hoping Ozzy or Coach would win South Pacific. That said, Sophie really was the brains behind Coach’s operation. Without her grounding presence and politicking, Coach wouldn’t have reached the end. Despite this, her game is very understated and not much appreciated by the masses. This hearkens back to Andrew Jackson’s political Sherpa, and future unsuccessful and forgettable president, Martin van Buren.

Kim Spradlin was so incredibly successful on Survivor that she basically had no competition. This one is easy. This president was so successful and his opponents were so disorganized that there was basically only one political party during his tenure. That man was James Monroe.

Denise Stapley went to every. tribal. council. She was the Survivor equivalent of being dragged along a desert road by a rope tied to a horse. But her social game and strength saved her and brought her all the way to the end, where she ended up winning. Let me take you back to the Jimmy Carter administration. He was well liked as a person, but politically, he was incredibly unpopular. His presidency was that same drag along a desert road. He became so unpopular within his own party that he almost wasn’t renominated. These weren’t perfect wins, but I’ll be damned if they weren’t great people in terrible situations.

John Cochran is a polarizing figure in Survivor fandom, like most great men. Did he have his highs and his lows? Absolutely. Was he brilliant and yet often clueless? Absolutely. Did he give off shy nerd vibes and then surprise us by sort of being a dick? Totes mcgotes. Well, it’s time we appreciate his equal, the man who slept with his slave, authored the Declaration of Independence, enacted really stupid embargoes, and purchased the Louisanna Territory, Thomas Jefferson.

Tyson Apostol won Survivor by manipulating people who just did not like each other. His alliance was filled with people butting heads, and he played people outside of his alliance in the same way. He knew how to handle people and he knew how and when to mediate fights. But damn could that man lead an alliance. He was a strong leader when he needed to be. It’s not a perfect match, but this is close enough for Woodrow Wilson.

If Sophie is Martin van Buren, I’d love to see her interact with her colleague Tony Vlachos. Tony saved the game of Survivor. He brought in an organized chaos to the game that propelled him to a messy but strong victory. I wouldn’t want to get in Tony’s way. He made more enemies than he needed and destroyed whoever challenged him to a duel. His match? Andrew Jackson.

Natalie Anderson was another revenge story. She was betrayed by her own allies, but then ended up showing them who was boss. She was outspoken and polarizing, but she made it through. Who else was like this? How about the president that was entrapped into getting himself impeached by a Congress that was supposed to support him? Natalie, meet Andrew Johnson.

Mike Holloway had it all — strength, height, charisma, brains — but squandered it. That man should have won this game easily, yet he decided to ruin his own game by sucking. His biggest enemy was himself. Who was the biggest disappointment of a president? Who should have been more qualified than probably anyone else but then failed miserably? That’s right. It’s James Buchanan.

Jeremy Collins won unanimously because he was a hero and the timing was just perfect (hey guys, Val’s pregnant!). If you’re looking for a perfectly-timed, very popular hero, check out Dwight Eisenhower.

Michelle Fitzgerald was not a popular winner. She was cool and all, but man is that woman controversial. She meant well but was just not exactly… perfect. But hey, she won. Joke’s on us. Also, she was so fat that she got stuck in a bathtub. Wow, what a perfect match for William Taft!

Adam Klein had one of the ugliest victories of a good winner I’ve ever seen. He made so many moves that should have destroyed him, but they didn’t. That man was just meant to win Survivor. Was it fate? Was his mother’s tragic illness the fire he needed in his gut to get to the end? Perhaps this familial bond really is what predestined him to win. Sometimes family bonds can do that. I’m looking at you, Benjamin Harrison.

Sarah Lacina played like a cop the first time, but she played like a criminal the second time. She was a ruthless winner, being much more sinister than we even saw on TV. So who is a president who was extremely sinister and dangerous, but who also at times was able to come to the table and be a hero? I submit to you Sarah’s equal, William Henry Harrison.

Did you know Ben Driebergen was in the military? Because if not, you should know that Ben Driebergen was in the military. Also, he was in the military. Look, Ben is a controversial guy. Was he a good winner? Yes, definitely. Had he gotten to the end fair and square, he should have won. But it seems a bit fishy that they inserted that fire twist out of nowhere, right? It feels a little, I don’t know, corrupt? Well, let’s refer to our presidential list, shall we? Who is a military leader (by the way, Ben was in the military) surrounded by corruption? This one is easy. It’s Ulysses Grant.

Wendell Holland, our first winner of a tie vote. He was a good winner, but man. It was a tie. Crazy. Well, there have been a few ties in presidential history, but none more uncomfortable than the one that went to Rutherford Hayes.

Alright folks, that’s all I’ve got for ya today. Head on back.