According to Donald Trump, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad is:

a) Our ally in the war against Isis.

b) For better or worse, the Syrian president and we’re not about to get ourselves mixed up in another catastrophic campaign of regime change.

c) A criminal leader who must be punished when he does particularly heinous things like gas his own people.

d) An evil murderer who must be removed from power.

e) Worse than Hitler.

For Trump, the Syria missile strike represented:

a) A reversal of course and a newfound commitment to human rights.

b) No change of course, as there was no course to change.

c) A possible change of course, though who’s to say?

d) A form of tweeting – something impulsively fired off in a moment of anger, with no thought of consequences.

The Trump doctrine means that America will:

a) Ignore the struggle of fledgling democracies, the plight of refugees and the sufferings of anyone not living in the Rust Belt.

b) Use military force only to destroy Isis in a secret plan, TBA.

c) Use military force only to destroy Isis, and maybe North Korea too, in a secret plan, TBA.

d) Use military force only to destroy Isis and North Korea and maybe also to remove Assad from power, without, however, inadvertently strengthening Isis. Details: TBA.

e) Use military force to aggressively protect innocent people in every corner of the globe from the threat of violence.

According to Trump, Russian president Vladimir Putin is:

a) The model of a forceful, effective leader, not like the sick Kenyan criminal who wiretapped my phones.

b) The president of a nation that has been maligned by our own intelligence community, which insists on blaming him for the actions of a 400lb man in a basement.

c) A man of integrity to be quoted for the purposes of correcting the lies spread by fake news organizations.

d) Still my bro, but now’s not the time to say.

e) The most dangerous man on the planet.

According to Trump, China is:

a) Our mortal enemy.

b) Which one are you talking about? After all, there are two.

c) Just kidding. Only one.

d) Our dearest ally.

According to Trump, Russia is:

a) Our closest ally, if the “fake” news outlets only gave us the chance.

b) A source of inspiration to kleptocrats everywhere.

c) Our mortal enemy.

d) Not sure. Check back after Fox tonight.

According to Trump, Germany is:

a) Now for the third time in a century responsible for destroying Europe.

b) Our ally, as long as Merkel ponies up the billions that we’re not actually owed.

c) Our dearest ally. After only Russia, which now might be our mortal enemy, and China, which now might be our BFF.

According to Trump, Israel:

a) Can build what it wants, where it wants and as a reward, we’ll move our embassy to Jerusalem.

b) Can sort of build where it wants, though we’d prefer that it didn’t.

c) Mustn’t build any more settlements if it expects us to move our embassy to Jerusalem.

d) Should forget about the embassy move. Was never promised in the first place. Fake news.

According to Trump, the world’s most dangerous hotspot is:

a) Afghanistan. b) Syria. c) Australia. d) A room with Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner.

In fashioning our foreign policy, Rex Tillerson will seek guidance from:

a) The deputy secretary of state, who crucially serves as the secretary of state’s alter ego in all matters.

b) The deputy secretary of state for management and resources, responsible for the delicate matter of all foreign aid.

c) The undersecretary of state for arms control and security, who vitally oversees American policy on nonproliferation and global security.

d) The undersecretary of state for civilian, security, democracy and human rights, who oversees essential matters involving refugee crises and the American response to violent extremism abroad.

e) The undersecretary of state for economic growth, energy and the environment, who is responsible for the formulating and advising on the critical matter of international economic policy.

f) None of the above – because all the positions remain vacant. Applications welcome, though. No prior experience necessary. A strong record of supporting President Trump in all his activities over the decades is highly recommended.