Usually I’m a hateful bitch… I would like to think that the world is just at my fingertips, waiting for me to grab it whole. I promised myself that I was going to write nonstop until I had had enough, though that might not come. The relentless thoughts of premature death soothed my fragile heart, granting wishes of eternal peace, but for the price of strangers’ loathing.

What started in ecstasy turned into catastrophe. Looking upon you with eye lids half open, trying to subdue tears falling from my eyes. How dramatic am I to ponder such a thing when less than a fortnight ago I was in a heaven of Earth. But the pressure was too hard and too much, I should’ve said something and it was my entire fault.

It was the bitter stress from those who judged me and told me who I should and shouldn’t be. All I see is the monster I have become, stealing thoughts and feelings through dribbled words. Could I perhaps be a sociopath just longing for a stranger’s love? If I could, I would capture a falling star, keeping its essence in a jar, so its light will illuminate all that is dark in the world. I was once young, but age and experience doesn’t equate.

For my own satisfaction, I had undeniably used plenty of people for that exact feeling of success, using a machete and cutting its head off at the throat. This time, it’s different. This time what I thought was going to be nothing more than a fantasy, turned out to be real. The reaction true, and the heart sore, battered by condolences of pity.

I can’t help but be emotional. I can’t help but take things that are meant to be taken lightly, a little out of hand. It’s who I am, and something I will try to change for you people. I don’t believe in fate, I used to some time ago by a person that held his name with strength. Strange that something you can hate so much, you can grow to love, even when you’ve been broken into thousands of pieces. It was hard to get over that feeling you’re on the 3rd floor, hand on the glass peering outside the window wanting to break its entirety. It separates you from the outside and its elements..

But living in that fantasy that is fake, hurts so much when you finally see the reality behind it all. People of Tumblr, you relieved my soul finally of this taunt that strongly clutched me with its claws, and for that I am thankful. I owe a lot to you, more than you would probably think. Broken thoughts, endless anger are now replaced with the humbleness of respecting others to be respected. Even as I continue to write this I feel myself much more at peace without the confines that daily life has.

My thoughts are light, my mind is numb, and I can feel as if what bliss feels like as I smile and continue to picture a new life. It feels like I should write more, but there’s more to be said in time as my tongue and words are not solid. I am bound to fail, I am bound to die eventually. But I feel as if this time, I said the right things at the right time. Unfollow me if you wish, but I’m going in the right direction now.

-Amy