One day my friend Dan and I went up into my attic to find a Black Santa Claus figurine that we needed for a prank. Dan just assumed that I’d have one because I’m Black and I was incredibly upset when we learned he was right. More importantly, we also found an off-brand Slip-n-Slide.

We took it back with us to campus to add a little something to a Summer party, besides cheap booze and thinly veiled racism, and it was a hit. I noticed Dan was avoiding it so we all demanded that he go down. Upset and defiant, he agreed.

As he began his sprint I knew something was wrong because he started too far back and ran with the odd gait of a retarded horse trying to solve a Rubik’s cube. As he hit the thin, slick plastic his body buckled, he flew up, landed, and continued on his trip sitting Indian-style instead of the typical prone position.

Dan let out a great yelp and began spinning wildly out of control, leaving a deep red spiral of blood on the bright yellow kid’s toy. Apparently there had been a sharp rock pointing up through the plastic and Dan caught his anus on it. Screaming, and demanding medical attention, Dan demanded that some terrified girl survey the damage. She looked at me, began laughing uncontrollably, and said that it looked like a spiral-sliced Thanksgiving ham. I don’t eat ham anymore.

Before the review I must give credit to my stepfather for gifting to me a set of gorgeous beer glasses and my mother, who is both pictured at the bottom and half responsible for the genetics that bring you this nonsense, for hunting down the beer labeled on said glasses. Let’s review!

Appearance: As a self-proclaimed porter/stout snob I am always partial to a beer that blocks all light and this one does just that. This weißbier poured wonderfully, possibly benefiting from having the brewers glass, showing a nice thick head, strong carbonation, and a personally gratifying cloudiness.

The head is thick, white, and full of tiny bubbles that unfortunately prevent much of any retention or lacing. I’d describe the color as a slightly darker goldenrod or straw ready for harvest. The bubbles seem to be infinite.

Smell: It’s a bit weak, but I’m definitely getting the fruit smells one expects from a hefeweizen, but not banana in particular. It’s difficult to place. There really isn’t a great deal of any sort of aroma coming off of this beer. After a good swirl and deep inhale I get a noticeable wheat smell and some yeast too. The clove aroma that I expected is absent.

Taste: Very crisp, a result of the carbonation no doubt, with a pleasant medium body; I could drink this forever out on the porch on a nice sunny day. The lack of aroma definitely served as a predictor for the taste because there isn’t much really. The fruit is a lot more pronounced and a certain sweetness seems to take over everything else. A bit of wheat comes through too, but not much else. There’s little to no aftertaste.

Overall: I liked this beer, but I don’t really have a good reason for it. I’m a fool for aesthetic I guess. I can’t in good conscience rate this anything over 72/100, but I still like it a lot and intend on finishing this off under the sun. After some time the smell and taste did improve, but I’m not used to drinking hefeweizen too warm.

Up Next: The Fiftieth Beer Review Spectacular!