WASHINGTON—Calling it a sensible way to help Americans put aside a little extra money, President Barack Obama announced Thursday his intention to reduce costs by packing a weekday lunch for all 318 million United States residents. “Providing each citizen with a baggie of baked tortilla chips, some baby carrots, and a Red Delicious apple is a simple way to help bring down their daily expenses while also making sure they have a wholesome, tasty meal at the same time,” Obama told reporters in the White House kitchen early this morning as he began laying out the 636 million slices of bread for the nation’s turkey sandwiches. “In just a few weeks, I think most Americans will find that the savings really add up. All right, so that’s no tomatoes for Jennifer Burgess of Twin Falls, Idaho, and let me just slip this note of encouragement into Aidan Danielson’s lunch bag before his big spelling test. There. All set.” At press time, sources confirmed that upon receiving their lunches, most Americans had simply thrown theirs away and bought something from the work vending machine.

Advertisement