Responding to pleas from Texas Governor Greg Abbott the White House releases the following statement

“We plan to withdraw all US military personnel and close all bases by December 2015”

“The US Occupation of Texas is over, the troops will finally be coming home after so many years.”

“What the fuck is this shit?”

“What they said.”

“That much? Really?”

“This is a Federal Government plot to ruin the economy of Texas and hand it over to ISIS"

In a brief statement President Obama saidSome 250,000 personnel will be immediately affected.NASA is planning to relocate in 2016.The Federal Government is also to review its procurement strategies from Texas based contractors.Lockheed Martin released the following statement to the pressBoeing followed up withWhen questioned about the $250 billion impact on the Texas economy Governor Abbot repliedTed Cruz and Louis Gohmert released a joint statementRick Perry adjusted his glasses in a desperate attempt to look reasonable and had to be led away by his handlers before he upset the base.

Alex Jones ate his own foot, he was unavailable for further comment. So a definite win there.

