LONDON—Since women’s boxing isn’t kitsch enough already, they brought out a spandex-wrapped Dance Pak to rile the audience ahead of the event’s debut on Sunday.

Nothing says “Olympic spirit” like chicks humping the turnbuckles.

The fight crowd at the cavernous ExCeL venue has been the rowdiest (and likely the drunkest) at this Olympics for a week.

They cheered the entry of the first two fighters, a pair of 112 lb. flyweights from North Korea and Russia.

But once the bell rang, the crowd fell silent. Pin-drop quiet. All the way up at the back of the arena, you could hear leather hitting leather.

Several thousand people were having a simultaneous internal ethical discussion, trying to figure out if it’s OK to enjoy watching women beat each other up.

Since they had no dog in this fight, most decided it wasn’t. They continued on in relative silence until the results were announced. Then they applauded politely for the Russian winner and sympathetically for the North Korean loser.

“The Dear Leader would like to congratulate you on your efforts. Oh, wait. It says here that you lost. Well, have fun on the collective farm.”

Eventually the fans surrendered. By the time Indian Mary Kom — the biggest name in the sport — was rolled out, they were positively frothing. Eventually, they’ll figure out a way to make bear baiting and gander pulling Olympic events.

At the first modern Olympiad, there were nine categories of sport. There are 36 in London.

None of the originals required a trampoline. They didn’t have to truck in sand. No women pummelled each other.

Call me an enemy of progress, but there is something distasteful about a hooting crowd watching women fight. Especially so at the Olympics.

The sport is young, but it’s already got the post-bout drama down. After Kom whipped her opponent, Poland’s Karolina Michalczuk, the fighter blamed the referee for the loss. Her coach quit his job in the press mixed zone, after ripping the suits who control Polish boxing.

Only one day old, this new event already combines the best elements of Days of Our Lives and The Gong Show.

Like a great many events being contested here, women’s boxing does not belong in the Olympics.

If this is about inclusiveness, the International Olympic Committee will cave to the British male synchro swimming team that is lobbying for a spot in Rio. Since no one will watch guys in nose plugs doing pas de deux, the IOC is not going to cave. Some sports just don’t translate across the sexes, however long we hold our breath and wish for a perfect, genderless world.

Having crowded these Games, with a dumpster full of baffling sports no one plays or understands, the IOC continues to double down on a pair of tens.

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That’s not the worst of it. The worst of it are the sports you know were chosen in a misguided effort to lure new viewers and, therefore, begin printing rather than earning money. It appears that the fiscal goal of this swishy clique is that each member has a private jet for himself and another for his luggage.

In 2016, golf will be an Olympic sport. Golf. You know why the ancient Greeks controlled huge swaths of the Aegean for so long? Because they understood that you can do more damage with a javelin than a golf club.

Golf is not a sport. Golf is what rich people do to fill the time before lunch. No one who’s ever seen John Daly thought the words “faster” or “stronger”. In fairness, “higher” probably applies.

The second new sport in Rio — bowdlerized rugby — is another choice taken by a fleet of marketers.

It could have been worse. They considered roller-skating and beach soccer.

In time, the Olympics will include everything anyone does anywhere — laundry folding, gin rummy, waiting in line, speed diving.

OK, I’m not even sure what I mean by speed diving. Maybe diving while holding an anvil.

(pause)

You know, I’d watch the hell out of that sport.

Now I feel like I’ve gone public with an idea I should have kept for myself. My private jet is in terrible need of refurbishing.