SAN DIEGO, CA—Admitting that filling the positions had proven far more difficult than expected, a local coed softball team confirmed Thursday that they were struggling to find enough hyper-competitive men to ruin their rec league experience. “We managed to get Derek on the team, who goes ballistic and slams the bat on the ground after every strikeout, but other than that we haven’t been able to convince a single explosively combative douchebag to join,” said team captain Cody Adams, who claimed that efforts to recruit Trevor from his accounting department, who has multiple road-rage incidents, and Tyler from marketing, who screamed at a coworker in a meeting, both ended in failure when one wasn’t interested in softball and the other had a conflict with his flag-football team. “You’d think it would be easy to find two or three guys unhinged enough to almost come to blows with the umpire or scream at their teammates over minor mistakes, but nobody seems interested. It’s embarrassing because most other teams we play have at least five total fucking dicks.” When asked to comment, the women on the team revealed that they believed the abusive prick quota had already been met.

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