Accept you can never lie again, don’t be bullied and never blame your partner for your affair

Accept you can never lie again, no matter how white the fib. You’ve forfeited all rights to this, forever, and the only circumstances where it’s acceptable to hide the truth now would be if planning a wonderful treat for your deceived partner. Even then, aim for omission rather than actual lying.

Make sure there are no further bombshells likely to drop. Keeping emotional secrets from a partner who is taking you back might seem wise, but a clean breast offers more peace of mind in the long-term. Obviously, revealing that you took your lover to the same beach where you proposed to your wife might well prompt an eruption, but not nearly as much as if something like this is revealed a year later.

The one area total transparency doesn’t apply is sex. No matter how much you’re questioned about what you and your lover did together, no specifics. Especially if you’re asked in bed. Stay calm and keep saying it was the worst mistake of your life: you want to leave it in the past and concentrate only on your future.

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Don’t be bullied. You did something dreadful but you both want to try again, so there has to be a limit to punishment. You can’t get angry but you can be sorrowful: “Why are you saying this? I’m so sorry for what I did and I want to make things right.”

Never blame your partner for your affair. If there are things you’d like to change in your marriage (more time together, better sex, getting out together) then instigate these without huge discussions. Kiss hello and goodbye, cuddle, be kind and have fun. Recreate the excitement of the affair in your marriage, but never say that out loud.