You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask of that ol’ Lone Ranger. And you sure as hell don’t attempt to truthbomb Armond White. When we last saw our hero, he was speaking truth to power at the New York Film Circle Critics Awards — calling other critics fascists, crapping on Darren Aronofsky’s cupcakes, and perhaps causing Annette Bening to cry. In the wake of this truthpocalypse, he received plenty of criticism, notably from the Village Voice’s Jim Hoberman and Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Schwarzbaum. Knowing Armond, I think we all know what happened next. He dropped a truthlear bomb on them:

Hiding behind the facade of publications with larger circulations, they assume professional integrity that doesn’t exist. Oddly, they welcome being pissed on by movie people, then display the obnoxiousness of middle-class cowards who resent less-empowered people not like themselves.

Oh, he was just getting warmed up. The truthquake continues.



Yes, racism motivates Schwarzbaum and Hoberman. They pretend to be hip and ladylike, but they’re simply the type of class oppressors unique to the bourgeoisie.

And now you do what they told ya.

Blue-collar people would likely be straightforward and more honest, but these pseuds harbor unexamined ethnic prejudices, political partisanship, intellectual pretenses and jealousy.

… now you’re under control…

Fact is, they’re shills: uninterested in free expression or different points of view. Their lives are committed to promoting Hollywood and controlling culture and criticism. Their dishonesty is symptomatic of the media’s corruption.

… and now you do what they told ya …

For years now, Hoberman hasn’t been able to stand the heat of the New York Press’ competition. They cannot abide any challenge to their influence — a danger epitomized in the dubious consensus surrounding The Social Network, which is nothing more than a memorial to in-group ruthlessness. Tellingly, the film remains unsupported by public enthusiasm.

… and now you’re under control…

As for Schwarzbaum, a less interesting intellect, her position at Entertainment Weekly makes her a minion of the status quo while her personal connections—she’s buddies with pseudo-historian and former EW editor Mark Harris, who annually freeloads as Schwarzbaum’s escort to the event, then disparages the NYFCC in print—confound basic social gentility.

… and now you do what they told ya…

EW, a publication that brainwashes its readers into consumerist idiocy, is home to Schwarzbaum’s lifelong mantra “The Oscars matter!” It’s the mentality of autograph hounds, which is how Schwarzbaum and the Hobermice, in their post-awards-dinner tantrum, want to reduce the NYFCC. That’s why they extol the elitism of The Social Network, the prizewinner I duly acknowledged at the podium.

… AND NOW YOU’RE UNDER CONTROOOOLLLLLLL

(Armond White rips microphone off lectern and begins defiantly marching around the stage)

These horrid wrecks

Cash corporate checks

And can’t see the genius of Jonah Hex

These horrid wrecks

Cash corporate checks

And can’t see the genius of Jonah Hex

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

(Armond White kicks over podium, walks to the front of the stage, begins staring maniacally at fellow critics, and lowers his voice)

F-ck you I won’t do what you tell me…

F-ck you I won’t do what you tell me…

F-ck you I won’t do what you tell me…

(begins raising voice)

F-ck you I won’t do what you tell me…

F-ck you I won’t do what you tell me…

F-ck you I won’t do what you tell me…

(begins screaming)

F-CK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

F-CK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

F-CK YOU I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOTHERF-CKERS…

(stunned crowd gasps in horror)

Free Mumia!

(drops mic, exits stage)

via Vulture