Hey Everyone - thanks so much for the interest in the Columbus script. Here it is! A few disclaimers/rules/suggestions:

1. I wrote this in about 2005, so I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it anymore. That's why I'm putting it here - so people can edit it if they want, they can print it out, copy/paste/do whatever. I realize it doesn't always work very well, hopefully a better fiction/theater writer than me will make some good changes. I'll periodically check on it, and make sure it's all edits I like.

2. Please be kind. The whole underlying theme of Columbus is that things are only good when they're made together, by a community, with love. That's why I'm trusting people - whoever wants to - to alter this, and make it their own.

3. The MAIN reason I want this online is that I'd like it to be performed. I realize that's a crazy, drastic undertaking... But if you like musical theater, and you need a project, here's a malleable script, the songs are written, and I'd love to contribute as much as I can to the process.

Thanks!

Adventure and Shenanigans,

Andrew.









COLUMBUS:

A Historically Accurate Romp to the New World

(lyrics in bold)

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

(History, the narrator, crosses the stage, and stands far stage right. He has a handful of large papers, containing the events of history. They are well-ordered scrolls, as he's a meticulous keeper of the passage of time. He clears his throat and begins to speak.)

HISTORY:

'In Fourteen-Hundred-Ninety-Two, Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue'.... We've all heard that much before, but here's what you didn't know: His name was Cristoforo Columbo, better known to you as Christopher Columbus. He was a capable sailor, an idealistic explorer, a driven man. I'm History; the keeper of, well, History! And all the events that have occurred since the beginning of time. Today I'd like to tell you the story of this audacious Captain Columbus... It all started when he began to have some wild ideas about the way the world was shaped...

(drops his scrolls, papers scatter everywhere. He stoops down to pick them up, visibly shaken, frazzled, and shuffles his paper back together in no particular order)

Aw Horsefritters. That always happens... Hmmm... Let's see now, where were we..... Ah yes! It says here that Columbus not only sailed, (looks at another scroll randomly) but also defeated Poseidon, the mighty God of the Sea, for permission to cross the Atlantic? Is that right? Well, it's in the scrolls, it's gotta be. (looks at another random scroll, and is surprised by what he finds) Hey! He not only landed on American soil, but met Squanto, and the rest of his Native Bunch. He went East, by way of West, by Crackey! And I'll be darned if he didn't have a few laughs along the way, too. It all began a little something...like this.

(The scene is a quaint, provincial looking town. There are doors and brick buildings, a fruit vendor, and a man with his head perched precariously beneath a guillotine. An executioner stands over him. A blacksmith pounds metal. Other assorted townspeople scurry about. History stands to the side during all this, but is still in view of audience, as far away from the action as possible while still being visible)

(Kids scamper by, with a stick-and-hoop toy, chattering)

CHILD 1:

My dad said Christopher Columbus is going to sail around the world!

CHILD 2:

That's stupid. Everybody knows it's flat!

CHILD 3:

He's so brave!

CHILD 1:

Aw, everybody is brave compared to you, bedwetter.

CHILD 3:

Am not a bedwetter!

CHILD 1 AND 2:

Bedwetter!

(Men burst out of a tavern in the set)

MAN 1:

He's a fool, he is!

MAN 2:

Columbus is a moron. Obviously this world isn't spheroidical!

EXECUTIONER:

(to himself and the man in the guillotine) Columbus is out of his mind. There's no way the world is round!

CRIMINAL:

Actually, it's quite logical. The way the tides work, the way the sun glides across the sky, everything points to the world being round. You see...

EXECUTIONER:

Shut up. (Cuts off head of criminal)

(Town is abuzz. Bakers have filtered into the scene and are carrying loaves of bread, women are carrying babies. Blacksmiths pound their metal. All are yelling to each other. Various random ad-libs and chatter)

BAKER:

Bread for sale! I got baguettes! You want 'em!

NEWSPAPER BOY:

Extrie, Extrie! Read all about it! Columbus announces plans to sail across the ocean!

(Columbus is wandering around, staring into his map. He doesn't notice that everyone is chattering about him. He stops at a fruit stand, and tries to fit his map around a watermelon.)

COLUMBUS:

(to fruit vendor) Do you have anything more round?

(Vendor frowns, and taps a large sign reading "NO FRUIT SOLD FOR NAVIGATIONAL PURPOSES." Columbus purchases limes)

(The chattering gets louder, and more persistent. Eventually, everyone is rhythmically, quietly chanting "Columbus. Columbus. Columbus.")

CHILD 1:

Hey Columbus, what are you going to do anyway? Sail around a flat earth?

(Everyone breaks into song. "Hey Columbus!" music plays, and everyone sings along)

COLUMBUS:

To further clarify my grand intent, I'll sail around this world until I'm spent! I'm gonna find the East by sailing West. I've got adventure beating in my chest! and I don't care if I have your approval. I don't care if I never come home, and I don't care if you think I won't make it alone.

TOWN:

Hey Columbus! Pack a compass! While you're sailing so far from us! It'll help to have direction, while the years without you numb us!

(Repeat.)

COLUMBUS:

A tip of my cap, a flick of the wrist and I'm on my way to... America! I guess I'll call it that!

MAN 1:

You've got a lot of moxy, I'll admit. But I don't think that your idea's legit. I can see from here this world ain't round. You'll fall right off the edge of this here ground!

COLUMBUS:

I've looked at the sun and its passage through our sky. and i've seen the horizon with my eyes. I know that I've seen curvature!

TOWN:

Hey Columbus! pack a compass! While you're sailing so far from us! It'll help to have direction, while the years without you numb us!

(Repeat.)

COLUMBUS:

The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria. I'm taking these ships and I'm sailing, so see ya!

See ya! (waves to them)

(After the song, the crowd filters away. but Columbus's future crew members remain. The crowd chatters as they filter out)

MAN 1:

That was a great song, wasn't it?

MAN 2:

Wonderful song! And pretty impressive that everyone knew it!

MAN 1:

Yes!

SNOTTY KID:

Hey Columbus! You SUCK!

('Traveling music' begins. It continues throughout the Narrator's monologue)

HISTORY:

You see, their naysaying wasn't entirely unfounded. According to this scroll, the Columbus Family had a history of behavior that was... eccentric, to say the least.

In 1392, Columbus's Great-Grandfather tried to dig a hole to America.

(Guy walks by with shovel, a shirt on, with coal stains, carrying a dead canary in a cage. A naysayer follows him)

NAYSAYER:

You SUCK! You SUCK! You SUCK!

HISTORY:

He dug until his canary died, then gave up and played miner league baseball... (chuckles) get it? Get it? (Realizes the audience either doesn't get it, or it just isn't funny) Eh, nevermind.

In 1432, Columbus's Grandfather tried to fly to America.

(Guy walks by with fake wings, flapping them halfheartedly. He's also followed by a naysayer)

NAYSAYER:

You SUCK! You SUCK! You SUCK!

HISTORY:

He spent so much time trying to save up for airfare that by the time he was ready to leave, he had forgotten everything about his trip, including his first name... it was (looks through scrolls) Tyrone... probably. (looks from side to side cautiously, then continues)

In 1452, Columbus's Father tried to reach America by swimming!

(Guy walks by with arm floaties, goggles, and an inflatable duck around his waist. He's followed by the naysayer as well.)

NAYSAYER:

You SUCK! You SUCK! You SUCK!

HISTORY:

He made it farther than the other two, but still didn't get there. He got about 100 yards out into the ocean when he got vicious cramps. You see, he had forgotten to wait 30 minutes after eating his mother's famous Columbus Cream Pie, which (looks through scrolls) won a blue ribbon at the fair that year.

So, you see, adventure and discovery, and a bit of misfortune and stupidity, were in Columbus's blood. He knew what he wanted to do with his life, and wasn't afraid to ruffle a few feathers in the process.

(Enough people remain from the townspeople to make up Columbus's crew. However, noticing that the majority of people are gone, puts his head down)

COLUMBUS:

They all left? I can't believe they won't even listen to me...

(The next song, 'Behold, It Is Round!' begins)

Give me a break! I'm not a fool. I just happen to think that the world is round. I'm gonna go east, but I'm headed out west! And all I can say is goodbye. I don't know if I'm wrong, or I'm right, but the bold ones all go down in history, right? I know that you see ships leave shore and not return, but the horizon suggests to me: It is round. It is round. I swear that it's round. It is round, It is round. I am right. I am right. I swear that I'm right.

(As the song ends, Columbus seems rather glum) Aw-shucks Who needs those deserters anyway? I'll do this by myself. I'm the greatest sailor this world has ever known! I don't need a crew anyway.

(He is visibly disturbed and bitter about the crowd's lack of faith in him. After he says this, he tries to walk away, but trips and drops the limes he was carrying. T

he procession of ancestors and the crew members, who had stayed through the song, each pick up a lime and bring it to Columbus. The music for "What's an Adventure Without a Crew?" begins)

CREW:

(singing in unison) What's an adventure without a crew? What's an adventure with just one Me, and no Yous (Use)?

TOM THE HOISTER:

You could use me, I like to hoist things! I could hoist a mainsail and a dinghy too!

(as he sings, he puts a lime into Columbus's basket)

STEVE THE SWABBER:

You could use me, I like to swab things! I could swab the deck, 'cause swabbin's what I do!

(as he sings, he puts a lime into Columbus's basket)

TOOTHLESS JOE THE CHEF:

You need a chef? I'll cook like crazy! My griddle's hot and so's my cup of joe!

(as he sings, he puts a lime into Columbus's basket)

BUGIARDO:

I’m important! I sailed in the Spanish Armada, I've got every skill a sailor needs to know.

(as he sings, he takes a lime out of Columbus's basket)

CREW:

(all except Bugiardo sing) We all have some gifts to share! We believe in you, let's sail way over there! This fleet will be unsinkable, you know! We believe in you, let's go!

COLUMBUS:

I knew it wouldn't be hard to fill three boats! I'm such a visionary! I'm going to need more supplies!

(King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella approach. They are laughing in a haughty blue-blooded way. They look very royal and she is carrying a sack with a dollar sign on it. Ferdinand is carrying a cat)

FERDINAND:

Supplies, you say?

STEVE THE SWABBER:

Your Majesty!

(all, including Columbus, kneel)

FERDINAND:

Oh, don't be silly. A great adventurer like yourself doesn't need to bow to me! (Another crew member stands up with Columbus. Ferdinand points to him) You do though, Jerk. (Jerk quickly kneels again). Christopher, my wife, the Lovely Queen Isabella ('The Lovely Queen Isabella' is spoken like Macho Man Randy Savage says 'The Lovely Miss Elizabeth' in interviews from the early 1990s), and I would like to personally fund your journey.

COLUMBUS:

Thanks, but we already have the fun taken care of! Check this out, Your Majesty. I got some playing cards, a board game, one of those paddles with a rubber ball and string! This trip is gonna be mega-sick!

FERDINAND:

I'm talking about money... finding... founding? Funding! I'd like to pay for some of your supplies, if you don't mind.

COLUMBUS:

This is quite a supplies! It would be an honor, sir! I shan't disappoint!

FERDINAND:

Oh, I know you shan't! I know you're as fine a sailor as the sea has seen! (turns to wife with a cocky attitude) That was alliteration, Isabella! Anyway, I remember when you rescued Tuffy from that raft out at sea, and I know she does too. Isn't that right, Tuffy? (He asks his cat, whom he is holding)

TUFFY THE CAT:

Meow.

FERDINAND:

Ah, I couldn't agree more! (Isabella hands over the overly outrageous sack of money)

COLUMBUS:

Gee, thanks!

ISABELLA:

It's our pleasure, Columbus, to be able to help out a man as great as you. We shan't be needing this money as much as you... shan.

COLUMBUS:

Thank you! A thousand thanks! No, a million thanks! I shan't disappoint! It's been part of my dream for this journey to have rich benefactors. (Turns to crew) Whaddya say, crew? Let's go buy supplies!

CREW:

HOORAY! (in unison. they all leave, but Bugiardo slinks back to Ferdinand and Isabella, who are waving off the gang)

BUGIARDO:

You know, Columbus isn't sailing for Spain.

FERDINAND AND ISABELLA:

BWAAAAHHH!?!?

BUGIARDO:

He's sailing under the flag of adventure. He's sailing for himself. (they're in a fog, confused) My name is Bugiardo Diavolo (gives subtle bow). I'm an expert sailor, my specialty is spying and mild (coughs to muffle before saying the next word) traitoring. It would bring honor to Sweet Lady Spain if you would allow me to plant the Spanish flag (unravels a flag. Their faces light up at the mention of Sweet Lady Spain and the sight of the flag) into the soil when we land. For a small fee, of course...

FERDINAND:

How small of a fee?

BUGIARDO:

One hundred pieces of gold.

ISABELLA:

Ha! Ten.

BUGIARDO:

Eighty.

ISABELLA:

Twenty.

BUGIARDO:

Thirty. Thirty pieces of gold.

ISABELLA:

Silver.

BUGIARDO:

Done. (they shake hands, and hand over the money.)

FERDINAND AND ISABELLA:

For Spain!

BUGIARDO:

Riiiiiiight...for Spain! I shan't disappoint.

FERDINAND:

Boy, if I had a piece of gold for every time I've heard the word "shan't" today... (lights dim)

ISABELLA:

Well, it looks like it's fast becoming night anyway. You needn't hear it until tomorrow. I know how you hate contractions.

FERDINAND:

I would be lying if I said I did not. ("Did" is given emphasis)

HISTORY:

(still standing to the side of the stage) And that was how Columbus payed for his supplies. Pretty neat, huh? The king and queen just loved to give money to people with big ideas. But I'm not sure if I like the looks of that sneaky Bugiardo character... I'm going to keep him in "Historical Perspective," if you know what I'm saying.

END OF SCENE ONE

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

(footsteps are heard as the lights come back on. The scene is now the street outside the Columbus household, split with a view of the inside. History hides behind a plant in the Columbus house. Guinevere comes out of the house to greet Columbus)

GUINEVERE:

Christopher! I'm so glad you're home! I've been listening for your footsteps on the street all afternoon! I just figured out that word you were trying to think of this morning! It was "goiter!" I have dinner for you! Come inside!

COLUMBUS:

You know I shan't turn that down, my little goiter (they have a laugh together, then go inside and sit down)

GUINEVERE:

You were the talk of the town today, Christopher! Is everything alright? (she's nervous and caring. Very sweet)

COLUMBUS:

Well, I tried to fit my map around a watermelon...

GUINEVERE:

Did it work?

COLUMBUS:

.... No. The paper just isn't cut right. I can't get it to fold without covering something else up.... and I feel like the maps we have don't even show the things I think are on the other side of the sea. (he's frustrated, and she can tell)

GUINEVERE:

Hmm... Well, I don't know what's over there, but I have something for you. (she reaches under the table and grabs a globe, sloppily made but still beautiful. It's left blank across the Atlantic Ocean) Is this more like what you had in mind?

COLUMBUS:

Oh Guinevere, it's beautiful! You're so creative... thank you. You always find such interesting ways to make me feel better.

GUINEVERE:

Like when I killed the Big Spider with your shoe, so you thought you had done it?

COLUMBUS:

I thought I killed the Big Spider! Oh Guinevere... you're as sneakiful as you are beautiful... Which makes this all the more difficult.

GUINEVERE:

Makes what all the more difficult?

COLUMBUS:

Well... You know you can tell me anything, Christopher. You don't have to be "The Great, Fearless Columbus" here... You can just be Christopher.

COLUMBUS:

Honestly. Everything is okay.... It's nothing.

(he gets up, walks to window, gazes out. music to "O Guinevere" begins)

GUINEVERE:

Why are you so far away?

COLUMBUS:

I guess you've got to know. I'm leaving for adventure soon. I won't be coming home.

GUINEVERE:

What about your life at home?

COLUMBUS:

You're wonderful, you know. But adventure calls, I'm outta here.

GUINEVERE:

Columbus, please don't go...

COLUMBUS:

O Guinevere, we gave it all. O dear, we tried. Adventure is my one true love, I'm gone, goodbye.

GUINEVERE:

Why do you want to risk your life?

COLUMBUS:

The seas, they call my name.

GUINEVERE:

I also call, and I'm your wife!

COLUMBUS:

... that's just not the same.

GUINEVERE:

You have a bride, a family here!

COLUMBUS:

My lust for adventure has grown.

GUINEVERE:

At least please let me go with you!

COLUMBUS:

This is something I must do alone.

GUINEVERE:

Oh Chris, I can't go on without you you know, but I can wait. I'll be so lonely back here, you'll be so far away but know my globe will show you the way.

COLUMBUS (sings at same time as past line):

I can't stay here at home, a life on land will crush whatever is inside me I have left. I'll be alive for once, exploring all this world across the depths. O Guinevere, we gave it all. O dear, we tried.

(lights fade to black, spotlight goes to History, who walks out from behind the plant)

HISTORY:

It's not an easy thing to tell someone you love that you have to go away. Now, Guinevere knew about Columbus and his plans to sail. What she didn't realize was that it wasn't just a dream. It wasn't just something off in the distance, that wouldn't ever happen. Sometimes a person with dreams will push other people away.

END OF SCENE TWO

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

(lights go to black and scene is switched to include the water, dock, and boat. The dock has a trash can on it. The trash can contains History, but the audience can't see him). The bedroom is visible, and the only thing lit up. Columbus wakes at the sound of the chords to "Goodbye." Guinevere is still sleeping. Columbus kisses her)

COLUMBUS:

(He is putting on his 'adventure gear,' with each article of clothing he becomes more Columbus and less Christopher, and it's reflected in his language, manner and facial expression. He becomes braver, stronger, more insensitive.) I love you with all my heart, but this idea is bigger than we are. Out of all things on the mainland, you're the only one that I'll miss. You have always understood me, please just try to understand this.

(He leaves, and closes the door, which wakes her up)

GUINEVERE:

Christopher! (She scrambles, grabs the flag/blanket, and runs out after him)

(Lights out again. House is gone when they're back on. Now the water is moving, all is lit. People are pulling the waves back and forth, and they're able to be seen by the crowd. The crew is excited, chattering, all unified. They're tossing bags of supplies onto the boat, and bundles of rope).

CREW:

Ohhhhh! We're setting sail across the sea! We're setting sail, across the sea! Pushed by invisible winds. There's not much left for us on land. Sometimes it's just better to escape. Because we're setting sail across the sea!

STEVE THE SWABBER:

The tax collector has been breathing down my neck. So I thunk it's time that I should get away.

CREW:

We're setting sail across the sea! (Sung at same time as Steves line)

TOOTHLESS JOE THE CHEF:

I've got my sea legs, but it's land legs that I lack. So I needs to be on a sailboat so I'm sane!

CREW:

We all have reasons to leave. And we don't know if we're coming back!

COLUMBUS:

That was great! I'm glad you're all so enthusiastic about the trip! I have a few rules though, before we head out. First of all, nobody is allowed to talk like a pirate. That whole thing is just a little played out... So if I hear a single "Yarr, Matey!" or whatever, you're riding the Pinta. And no showboating. There's nothing I hate more than showboating. This is my adventure, I'm the captain, and it's my ship, so no showboating.

STEVE THE SWABBER:

(In a pirate voice) Yarr, aren't there 3 ships?

COLUMBUS:

THAT'S IT! GO TO THE PINTA! (throws the offending crew member overboard) Alright! I guess that's enough rules for now! Let's go! Hoist the mainsail! Pull up the anchor! Swab the poopdeck! Et Cetera! (everyone bustles off)

(Guinevere runs out onto the dock and give Columbus the flag/blanket)

GUINEVERE:

I was afraid I wouldn't have a chance to say goodbye.

COLUMBUS:

I didn't want a hard goodbye... You know I hate goodbyes, Guinevere.

GUINEVERE:

Don't forget me... I'll miss you ever so much. I'll miss you more than the sun misses the moon? I'll miss you... a lot? Call me when you reach land, won't you?

COLUMBUS:

Darling, you know phones haven't been invented yet.

GUINEVERE:

What's a phone? (both pause and shrug) I guess I'm just so distraught that you're leaving!

COLUMBUS:

I'm sorry! I never meant to... distrite you... But I have to go, Guinevere. My crew is already in the boat. I shan't keep them waiting.

GUINEVERE:

Christopher, I made this blanket for you (she unfurls it, it's the American flag) It'll keep you warm even when my arms cannot.

COLUMBUS:

Thank you, Guinevere.

GUINEVERE:

Goodbye, Columbus (smiles at him, as she's acknowledged for the first time that he's Columbus, the Grand Explorer. He realizes it and smiles back at her, and steps into the boat. He looks out at the crew and offers a toast)

COLUMBUS:

To Adventure! The Saucy Mistress who has won my Wily Heart.

(crew cheers, Columbus tips his had to Guinevere, the dock is pulled away to simulate the boat's motion, by people the crowd can see, and the waves start to move more like the real ocean.

CREW:

To Columbus! The audacious captain who will change the world!

(History steps out from the side of stage)

HISTORY:

(Pops his head out of the trash can) Well hello again, audience! (Comes fully out of the trash can) What did you think of that goodbye? Pretty heart-wrenching, eh? Anyway, Columbus and his crew had officially begun their journey. It was an exhilarating time! The waves, the smell of the salty sea, I'm getting a touch of sea-sickness just thinking about it, but I don't even mind being nauseous, I'm just loving the ride!

(lights fade, spot goes to the boat)

(Columbus is sitting by himself at the front of the boat. Little John approaches, with the compass straggling along behind him)

LITTLE JOHN:

Good evening, Columbus! The adventure seems to be going swimmingly so far! The crew is well-fed and satisfied, supplies are fully stocked, and the compass says we're going perfectly west!

COMPASS:

(through a mouthful of food) I sure do! West!

COLUMBUS:

Excellent! Ahhh, I love a good adventure, don't you, Little John, my faithful friend and first mate?

LITTLE JOHN:

You know I do, sir. We've been through a lot together! Remember the time we tried to sail into the sun?

COLUMBUS:

(chuckling) Ah yes. It rose in the east, and set in the west... that all used to be too confusing for me to handle, until my dad passed along this compass. Wow, I sure do love adventure! I consider it to be my only true love, you know. Adventure, and, with a close second, shenanigans.

LITTLE JOHN:

I hope your crew appreciates adventure and shenanigans as much as you do!

COLUMBUS:

There's only one way to find out, I suppose! (to crew) Hey gang! Do you love adventure?

CREW:

(in unison) Yes!

COLUMBUS:

Do you love it enough to sing a rousing sea chanty about it?

CREW:

We sure do!

COLUMBUS:

Well let's hear it! And don't skimp on the shenanigans, or you'll be riding on the Pinta!

("Adventure and Shenanigans" begins)

CREW:

Adventure and Shenanigans: The two go hand in hand! Like heart and soul, like toast and jam, like sea and land.

TOM:

To be at sea, and bored to tears - a terrifying thing! But Adventure and Shenanigans, they make me want to SING! And I just did!

CREW:

Adventure and Shenanigans, the two go hand in hand.

COLUMBUS:

Now that I can handle.

LITTLE JOHN:

I was seriously digging what they were putting down.

COLUMBUS:

Oh yeah. Actually, I sang a song that sounded pretty much like that one to Guinevere last night, just slower, a little more melancholy.

LITTLE JOHN:

Nice going! (they exchange a high five)

(History peeks out through a porthole on the ship and shrugs at the exchange.)

HISTORY:

That song was pretty sweet, I have to admit. Let's see what's happening amongst the crew members!

(the attention shifts over to the crew members, on the other side of the boat)

KAMAN:

Ah yes, the open sea. I really feel happiest when I'm out here, boys.

BUGIARDO:

(Bugiardo is conniving and sly. He feigns his initial enthusiasm) Me too! .... Usually.

KAMAN:

What do you mean usually?

BUGIARDO:

Well, nothing.

KAMAN:

Come on! Tell me!

BUGIARDO:

Well... Okay. It's just that I'm not sure about this whole mission. Do you think Columbus really knows what he's doing?

KAMAN:

Well, of course! Why else would the King and Queen have endorsed this mission? Why, Columbus believes this world is round, and I believe with him.

BUGIARDO:

I wouldn't be so sure if I were you. I happen to believe this fleet is bound for failure. Wouldn't you like to have a backup plan, just in case I'm right?

KAMAN:

Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have a backup plan.

BUGIARDO:

That's right it wouldn't. I say if we haven't reached some "new world" in 3 days' time, we stage a mutiny. I'll take over the ship and steer us for Sweet Lady Spain.

KAMAN:

Mutiny? I don't know about that...

BUGIARDO:

I do. I don't want to be at the mercy of some madman... if it turns out that that's what he is.

KAMAN:

Well, okay. But only if we give him the full three days.

BUGIARDO:

Deal. Hey, by the way, do you really believe him?

KAMAN:

I do.

BUGIARDO:

Well, I don't. I just wanted to make a quick buck. What's your excuse?

(Kaman is at a loss for words and doesn't respond)

KAMAN (to Ronald Bonk):

You know, maybe he's right. What are we doing out here? We're not even sure if Columbus is right, and even if he is, we were all perfectly comfortable back on land.

RONALD:

Hmmm... Yeah, I guess I hadn't thought about that. I'll tell you what I have been thinking about though...

KAMAN:

What's that?

RONALD:

I've heard tales from sailors about all kinds of awful things out here... monsters. Once, I even spotted something...

KAMAN:

What did you see?

RONALD:

I don't know, exactly... But I know I never want to see it again.

(Frank approaches)

FRANK:

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

KAMAN:

Oh, nothing much... We're just a little afraid of a couple things.

FRANK:

Are you afraid of falling off the edge of the world? Because that's what I'm afraid of. I'm pretty sure it's going to happen.

BUGIARDO:

Then why are you out here?

FRANK:

Actually, I thought it was a boat bound for Candy Island.

KAMAN:

Candy Island?

FRANK:

Yeah! An Island made completely out of candy. Gumdrop rocks, licorice flowers, et cetera...Mmmmm..

KAMAN:

I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist.

FRANK:

Welp, I guess that's why I'm here.

BUGIARDO:

Is that really a reason for being here? Sounds to me like it's more a reason for not being somewhere else.

FRANK:

Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't really want to be here. (easily convinced)

KAMAN:

I'm not so sure I want to be here either. After all, what's the point of this? It's an awful lot of work, and we're not even really sure if it's going to pay off.

BUGIARDO:

That's the spirit!

KAMAN:

It's strange... I thought this was what I wanted. An adventure at sea with a visionary like Columbus. Now I'm not so sure. Why would we bother with this?

RONALD:

Yeah! Why not sail to India the regular way, we know that's safe and smart.

KAMAN:

I thought we were going to America!

RONALD:

Well, we are. But there's lots of cool stuff in India, too.

KAMAN:

Yeah! Why the heck are we out here?

BUGIARDO:

You were suckered by someone selfish. Other than that, there's not a single good reason for us to be on this journey. We're just putting ourselves in danger.

KAMAN:

I guess... Why would we collaborate on this absurd goal? We don't know where the end is. We don't know when we'll be home.... Maybe we are on the brink of the world.

RONALD:

Why are we sailing? Why has this boat even been built?

BUGIARDO:

And why trust something you can't even see!

STAGE CREW MEMBER PULLING WAVES BACK AND FORTH:

Why pull a wave?

(The crew stops their conversation and stares at the crew member for a second, then shake their heads and return to their conversation)

BUGIARDO:

Columbus! Can you hear us? We're fed up with this trip. We don't want to be under the control of a madman. There are all kinds of terrors out here - monsters, the world's edge, thirty foot waves - and you're the worst of all of them.

COLUMBUS:

What do you mean?

BUGIARDO:

I mean you've taken us all out to sea, away from the mainland, and all we stand to gain from it is maybe helping you out. We want to go home.

COLUMBUS:

Hold on. Are your minds changed so easily? You believed in this too.

FRANK:

Yeah, well we're scared.

COLUMBUS:

As am I. But being scared is no reason to turn back. To gain everything, we must first risk everything.

FRANK:

But why?

COLUMBUS:

That's a good question.... why?

(The song "The Adventurers Question Their Adventure" begins)

FRANK:

What are we doing out here?

KAMAN:

What if we're sailing off the edge of the world?

FRANK:

What if we land in America? Does that make this right?

BUGIARDO:

What's the point of this journey at all?

LITTLE JOHN:

Why are we out at sea? Why are we anywhere? Is this even worth our time? Should we collaborate on this absurd goal? Or should we have stayed home?

COLUMBUS:

I've got a compass and an astrolab, and enough food to last us for years. So I don't understand, despite the best laid plans, why they're wondering what they're doing here.

CREW:

We're out at sea, so far away from land that's dry. Adventure calls, and we respond, but don't know why. (All of a sudden, the sky goes dark. It gets very cold. The waves grow and the boat rocks dangerously. Lightning flashes, and cracks of thunder fill the air. "Poseidon's Theme - I Will Destroy You" begins).

COLUMBUS:

Well, I guess we just have to keep sailing. The best thing we can do is keep crossing the sea.

POSEIDON:

WHO DARES CROSS MY SEA? (his booming voice is heard, but he is not yet seen. Columbus looks around to see where the voice is coming from)

COLUMBUS:

It's me, Columbus. I'm from Spain. Who are you?

POSEIDON:

I'm Poseidon. God of the Sea. Bringer of 30-foot waves and giant squid. I'll blow you off course if you're lucky. I'll wreck your whole fleet if you're not. The sea is mine to control. I will destroy you.

COLUMBUS:

Please don't! I want to see the other side of the world! I want to kiss the sweet ground!

POSEIDON:

Ground?! How dare you mention that word to me!

COLUMBUS:

I didn't mean it like that! The sea is my home, that's why I'm out here right now!

POSEIDON:

Hmmm... You really love the sea?

COLUMBUS:

I do. The sea and adventure are my only two true loves.

POSEIDON:

Then perhaps I'll let you pass... NO! We must do battle. A fight to the death! It'll be yours, not mine.

COLUMBUS:

But you're a God, and I'm just a man! That's just not fair!

POSEIDON:

Well, I'm a sporting chap, so I'll take human form just this once.

COLUMBUS:

Okay. (Poseidon rises out of the water, visible for the first time, and throws off a billowing robe to communicate that he's becoming human, and he and Columbus both dive into the water. Both splash around, it appears to be a fight, but actually Poseidon can't swim, and is fighting to stay afloat. The music continues to play)

COLUMBUS:

This is so much easier than I thought it would be! This Poseidon's no fighter, he's like a baby!

POSEIDON:

Help! I can't swim! I'm definitely not used to this human form.

COLUMBUS:

(Incredulous) You can't swim!? I don't believe it. And you call yourself God of the Sea?

POSEIDON:

I control the sea, I don't live in it! Please understand this and try to save me!

COLUMBUS:

Very well then, Reach out your arms and I'll pull you up into the boat.

POSEIDON:

Please be gentle with my beard!

COLUMBUS:

I will. (Columbus pulls Poseidon onto his boat. Crew members drape him with a towel. He smiles and is obviously thankful for their kindness)

POSEIDON:

Columbus, you're a gentleman! You saved my life, and I am forever grateful! You're truly the salt of the sea, will you please let me repay you! Please allow me to send you on your way with a breath from my mighty lungs. There you go! It was an honor to meet you!

COLUMBUS:

Okay. Gee, thanks! (these lines are said in reply to Poseidon's lines toward the end of his last verse.)

BUGIARDO:

Oh, you're not so great (to Columbus). We're still wandering around. Floating to nowhere, you crackpot. Just turn these three heaps around...

(as Bugiardo is finishing his rant, the music fades, and the crew spies land)

KAMAN:

Is that... what I think it is?

RONALD:

Could it be?

CREW:

LAND!

COLUMBUS:

I see the shore, and it warms my heart! And I know that leaving home has been worthwhile. So let's rejoice! Let us join our hands. Let us thank the Lord and Sea for being kind. I know we're not all perfect men. But let's agree to help each other out.

LITTLE JOHN:

Just look at us! Approaching a new world! Together, we've accomplished a whole bunch!

BUGIARDO:

You are all so stupid and naive! Love and friendship are just foolish dreams. If you want it so much, go ahead, believe! I'm gonna plant this flag for me.

(Bugiardo takes his Spanish flag and races for shore. Columbus takes his flag made by Guinevere, and throws it like a javelin through Bugiardo's chest as Bugiardo approaches shore. Bugiardo slumps to the ground, planting the American flag in the soil)

LITTLE JOHN:

Wow! That was quite a shot, Christopher!

COLUMBUS:

Thank you, Little John. You know how I hate to kill my crew members...

LITTLE JOHN:

Ah, yes. 'Tis the bane of any captain's tenure to smite a member of his crew.

COLUMBUS:

Yep... Anyway. Well, crew? Whaddya say? Let's go to shore!

CREW:

HOORAY!

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

HISTORY:

Welcome to Act Two! Now, if you'll remember, the crew was just reaching shore. We'll pick up right there. Now, they already said 'Hooray!' to celebrate, but I'll bet they'll say it again... After all, landing on a new world is cause for celebration!

CREW:

HOORAY!!

(they get out of the boat, and head for shore. A group of native Americans comes out to greet them. Once the crew reaches shore, the native americans circle around them, and drumming starts. "Welcome To Our Native Land" begins)

SQUANTO:

Welcome to our native land. You are strange to us, white man. We will show you how to live, welcome. These berries are good to eat. (shows berries) Watch out for plants with three leaves.

CRAZY DUDE:

Don't forget about the bees!

SQUANTO AND CRAZY DUDE:

Welcome.

SQUANTO:

You'll find no water as sweet as what's flowing through our streams.

CRAZY DUDE:

Drink up, these waters run deep!

ALL INDIANS:

Welcome. While you're here you're family. Help yourselves to all you see.

SQUANTO:

This is corn, but we call it maize.

CRAZY DUDE:

You'll learn all about our ways.

SQUANTO:

Hunting, gathering, harvesting.

SQUANTO AND CRAZY DUDE:

Welcome.

CRAZY DUDE:

Winds blow, rustle through the trees.

SQUANTO:

But don't you worry about a breeze.

CRAZY DUDE:

Our air is so cool and sweet, welcome.

SQUANTO:

You are welcome on these lands.

CRAZY DUDE:

Grasses, mountains plains and sands.

SQUANTO:

Please let us extend a hand.

ALL INDIANS:

Welcome. Welcome to our native land!

COLUMBUS:

Thanks! I guess we'll go look for some more of those berries! Watch out for plants with three leaves, fellas! Bye for now, natives! We'll be back halfway through the next song.

(Columbus and the crew go out to forage for fruits. In the meantime, Squanto talks to his fellow tribesmen)

SQUANTO:

I'm glad we're helping out Columbus and his men... But I think we should be careful.

CRAZY DUDE:

What do you mean?

SQUANTO:

Well, there would only be a few reasons for them to be out here exploring. Either they're in search of riches, or women, or they just plain love to sail. Any way you slice it, I just think we should be cautious.

CRAZY DUDE:

Oh Squanto, you're the one that's always telling us to accept everyone!

SQUANTO:

As I think we should. But... we should just be on guard. I've heard of explorers searching for new lands not just to make new friends, but to find riches... I just worry that this may be an instance where we should look out for each other, and not just these well-dressed newcomers. For you see...I don't trust this guy Columbus. He will just take our land from us. And he'll help to spread corruption while his forces overcome us. We can't always leave our culture so wide open to destruction, even when these well-dressed sailors seem so open to instruction.

(Columbus and his crew return with some berries and vegetables as Squanto is singing.)

COLUMBUS:

I am not a perfect man by any means, just a visionary out across a sea. I have never met a people quite like you, I trust you so please learn to trust me.

SQUANTO:

Trust is something that everyone deserves. Maybe I judged too quickly. You, I can tell, are a lot like me. We both are brave, strong and adventurous.

COLUMBUS:

Where I come from, men are innocent until proven guilty. We have a system that makes sure of that.

SQUANTO:

What is this system of which you speak?

COLUMBUS:

It is called a government.

SQUANTO:

I want to learn more. Can it keep us safe from winter?

COLUMBUS:

Yes!

SQUANTO:

Hey Columbus! I judged too fast! You are just a noble sailor on a quest for something more than what you'd found back on the mainland. I'm sorry that we judged you. That was quite uncharacteristic. Let's be friends and learn a lot from each others' respective cultures.

COLUMBUS:

I'd love to. I have so many questions. Like why is this such a closely-knit community?

SQUANTO:

A lot of reasons. We treat each other, and the land, and everything here, as we would like to be treated ourselves. No one is a means to an end, their friendship and love is the end in itself.

COLUMBUS:

A marvelous way to live!

SQUANTO:

Indeed it is. I have some questions for you, too. Would you please tell me more about this 'government' you mentioned?

COLUMBUS:

I sure will. You see, we have two rulers, a king and a queen. They lead us, and are at the top of a system made up of people with specific jobs to help our society run smoothly.

SQUANTO:

What kind of jobs?

COLUMBUS:

All kinds. We have policemen to stop people from breaking the laws...

SQUANTO:

What's a law?

COLUMBUS:

Laws are things that protect people. For example, it's against the law to kill another person. It's against the law to steal from other people, things like that.

SQUANTO:

So governments keep people safe!

COLUMBUS:

Yes. It relies on the common good of people - the belief that we can trust each other to make good decisions about our safety.

SQUANTO:

These ideas are marvelous, Columbus. They seem to fall in line very well with what we believe about the nature of people.

COLUMBUS:

I'm glad you feel that way! You seem to have a lot figured out about how to live.

SQUANTO:

I don't think anyone, or any culture, has it entirely figured out. But I know that we're very happy here.

COLUMBUS:

Then perhaps you could answer another question for me.

SQUANTO:

Anything, new friend.

COLUMBUS:

Well... As we were sailing, My crew and I began to think about some things. And we were afraid. Not just afraid of sailing off the edge of the world, but of so much more. We didn't, and still don't know, why we're sailing at all. We're not sure why we were on that boat, why we're here, or why it matters that there's adventure to be had anyway. I guess I don't even know if an adventure like this is worthwhile at all.

SQUANTO:

Well, I've never sailed the seven seas, but I know a thing or two about adventure. I know that it's not about where you go. It's not about what you do, how big your ships are, or if you find any gold on the journey. An adventure is about the people you're with. It's about sharing experiences with each other, and learning and growing along the way. It's, like everything else in this life, about love. Adventure is good if it's something you love to do. And you seem to genuinely love being out on the sea with your crew.

COLUMBUS:

I do. You're right! It is a wonderful thing to be able to collaborate on this dream with these friends, no matter how absurd my dream was.

SQUANTO:

You've proven that it wasn't absurd.

COLUMBUS:

And you've shown me that everything can be an adventure, and everything can be wonderful, and everything has value, if we simply trust in love. In fact, I have an idea!

("Let's Start a Nation" begins playing)

Let's start a nation! A nation founded just on Love! A new creation! One nation under God above!

KAMAN:

This land's so beautiful, with amber waves and spacious skies! We wondered why we were at sea, we finally know why!

ALL (INDIANS AND SAILORS):

America, America, God shed your grace on thee! And help us to be fair! And crown thy good with brotherhood! We're so lucky just to breathe in this sweet air!

SQUANTO:

This is a marvelous idea! Hey! We should have a government! We need a leader... Hmm... Hey Columbus! You'll be president!

COLUMBUS:

Thank you very much, my newfound friend! It'd be an honor to preside over this country we have made. The very thought fills me with pride.

SQUANTO:

It fills me with pride too, Columbus! I'm very glad we've been able to get to know each other.

COLUMBUS:

Pretty convenient that we both spoke English too, eh?

SQUANTO:

Yeah!

COLUMBUS:

You know, I'm really proud of us. I'm very happy that we started America, too. But, Squanto... something is still missing.

SQUANTO:

What do you mean?

COLUMBUS:

I'm not sure... I just feel like despite all we've done, sailing across the vast ocean, defeating Poseidon, being America's first president... something is wrong.. (Columbus gazes at the American flag in the soil, and realizes where he's gone wrong). Of Course!

SQUANTO:

What?

COLUMBUS:

Squanto, you told us about love. And about trust. And about the joy of sharing experiences with people.

SQUANTO:

Yeah..?

COLUMBUS:

I've got someone back home that I love. I should have realized it sooner! I don't belong out here, adventuring! It doesn't even matter what I'm doing, but it should be with her.

SQUANTO:

That's a very valuable thing to realize, Columbus.

COLUMBUS:

So you understand that I have to leave.

SQUANTO:

I do. But before you go, please join us in a meal of Thanksgiving. We should give thanks for all we've learned, and for new friends, for the bountiful harvest, for the north, the south, the east, and the west.

COLUMBUS:

My crew and I would be honored to join you.

(the music begins softly as food and tables are brought out, filled with food and cornucopias)

SQUANTO:

We are forever in debt to you, for coming here. You gave us a whole new world. Let us give thanks for that.

COLUMBUS:

Thanks. The seasons have been so good. Our table has been full all year. The fridge has been stocked with food. We're giving thanks for that.

OTHER INDIAN:

Hey Columbus! You have shown us how round the world can be. We can have friends, even ten thousand miles across the sea.

SQUANTO:

We have enough air to breathe. Each day the sun comes up. We have fire to keep us warm. Let us give thanks for that!

ALL:

Hey Columbus! You have shown us how round the world can be! We can have friends, even ten thousand miles across the sea! (They repeat this line through the rest of the song)

LITTLE JOHN:

Thanks. There are still icecaps left. Asteroids haven't wiped us out. Gravity holds us down. We're giving thanks for that.

SQUANTO:

Thanks for the rain and sun. Thanks for the trees and birds. Thanks for the way plants grow. We're giving thanks for that.

COLUMBUS:

Thank you also, for your kindness and generosity. You have shown me what a life on this Earth should really be.

SMALL INDIAN:

You have shown us big ideas that might be strange might be brilliant, so let's think together!

SQUANTO:

Thanks! Thanks for our Moms and Dads. Thanks for our dreams at night. Thank you for safety belts. We're giving thanks for that!

ALL:

Hey Columbus! You have shown us how round the world can be. We can have friends, even ten thousand miles across the sea. (Throughout the song, crew members board the boat. As the last line is sung, the ship is departing from shore. All wave goodbye, and give ad-libs of thanks and farewell)

HISTORY:

(History pops out of a teepee and follows the boat out of the scene. He speaks to the crowd) Hello again, folks! I'm back! Wasn't that nice! Columbus and his crew learned why they were sailing! They made new friends, learned about a new culture, and they were headed home to tell everybody about what they'd seen. I'm going to just let you watch the action for a while, but I'll be back in time for the grand finale, I promise. (He walks out of the scene)

END OF SCENE ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

LITTLE JOHN:

Well Columbus, I'd also like to thank you. You really have shown us a lot. Not just about the world, but about having faith in our friends.

COLUMBUS:

And no one has been more faithful to me than you, Little John. Thanks.

KAMAN:

I'm really sorry we ever doubted you, Columbus. You're a visionary, a gentleman... a hero.

BUGIARDO:

Come on, people... ("One Man Mutiny" begins) Oh, I'm so sick of everyone thinking so highly of "The Great Columbus." All you are is a greedy fool who happened to get lucky on a crackpot idea. A ridiculous dream.

COLUMBUS:

It wasn't a dream! I discovered America! I will return to loads of applause and loud celebrations with banners and stuff! (Bugiardo attempts to strangle him. They wrestle and do battle while singing)

BUGIARDO:

You'll never live to reach the shore and see that. As far as they'll know it was me that took over when you went insane with fear, and jumped over the edge of the boat. It was me, it was me all along, I'm the hero, that's what they'll think, you'll be gone, you'll be gone by then.

COLUMBUS:

I'll be here on the bow of the boat with my arms outstretched sailing to Spain. How could you keep me from that moment of glory, when I feel so triumphant right now?

BUGIARDO:

Don't you see? I will kill you. (As this line is sung, Bugiardo is on top of Columbus, prepared to kill him. Poseidon enters at the mention of "Sea." Bugiardo and Columbus freeze.)

POSEIDON:

Did somebody say the word 'Sea?' It just happens to be what I know best.

COLUMBUS:

Poseidon!

POSEIDON:

Oh, hey Columbus!

COLUMBUS:

Remember when I saved your life?

POSEIDON:

I do! Thanks again!

COLUMBUS:

Now could you kindly save mine?

POSEIDON:

Anything for you. (Poseidon hurls a lightning bolt through Bugiardo's chest. He slumps to the ground, dead.)

COLUMBUS:

Poseidon! You're a gentleman! You saved my life, and I am forever grateful! You're truly the salt of the sea, how could I ever repay you?

POSEIDON:

Repayment most certainly won't be necessary, I have something else in mind. Please take my crown, you're now God of the Sea! I know that you'll do just fine!

COLUMBUS:

This is an honor, the likes of which I'd never dreamed. I will make you proud! I'll be just and fair! I'll be a good God of the sea!

POSEIDON:

I know you will do me proud, my friend! Now here's my crown, now you can talk like this!

COLUMBUS:

(His voice is now deeper) I can? Oh wow, you're right! I guess I can!

LITTLE JOHN:

Wow, Columbus! That's quite an honor! Nothing less than you deserve.

COLUMBUS:

Thanks very much! I've been Captain, Admiral, Monsignor, and Baron Von Columbus before, but being a God is something else entirely!

LITTLE JOHN:

So, do you think you'll be staying out at sea?

COLUMBUS:

Heck no! I'm going home to see M'lady Guinevere! I've realized I'm not meant to just be adventuring, I'm meant to be with her!

LITTLE JOHN:

I'm delighted to hear it! But what's to become of your ships?

COLUMBUS:

Little John, I'd love for you to be captain. As soon as we land, these ships are in your command.

LITTLE JOHN:

Thank you! This is quite an honor!

COLUMBUS:

It's nothing you don't deserve, my friend. (Columbus walks to the boat and gazes toward shore. Guinevere is visible far stage right as the crew is sailing home. "The World Is Flat" begins. They are singing to each other, but they can't see each other. Guinevere sings into the distance.)

COLUMBUS:

I know... but you don't. The world revolves 'round you. Though you're so far away. The world revolves 'round you. Distance between planets and stars sometimes seems small compared to ours.

GUINEVERE:

I know... but you don't. The world revolves 'round you. Though I can't see your face, the world revolves 'round you.

COLUMBUS:

By design these waves will wind a fine path o'er the sea.

GUINEVERE:

By design these waves that wind will bring you back to me.

(The crew spies land)

FRANK:

We sure have been sailing a long time!

KAMAN:

No longer than before. We've actually only been out about half as long as the last trip.

FRANK:

Well, I was just kinda thinking... Now that Columbus is God of the Sea and all... That he'd get us home a little quicker.

KAMAN:

Oh come on now, he's not going to take advantage of his title like that! Unless... Wait a minute... (Strains to see, cranes his neck out) I can see land already! ("Dude! I Can See Land! Again!" begins)

COLUMBUS:

I'm going home just to see her gaze. Our eyes will meet and I'll know I'm saved. I hope that her heart has not been changed. Or I'll make my home far beneath the waves.

(Columbus goes ashore, wakes up Guinevere as "I've Got a Feeling" begins and sings to her. During the musical interlude, The crew goes to shore, and is greeted by adoring countrymen. The instrumental sections should include choreography)

COLUMBUS:

Get up! Get yourself out of bed! There's a brand new day I'd like to greet with you! I know that I've seen a lot of things, but seeing anything's like.. twice as fun with you.

GUINEVERE:

All of this time, I have been praying that you would not forget me while you were sailing.

COLUMBUS:

I've got a feeling I was meant to be with you, and nothing's going to change my mind this time. We've waited so long, and there's a lot that we've been through. Nothing will keep us apart this time. One of the things I always dreamed about was standing on my own two feet. But after all that I have done without you by my side, I'm on my knees.

(they go into the town, where they're met witih the "Hey Columbus!" reprise. Townspeople greet him and smile)

COLUMBUS:

Hey everyone! I am back now! Boy I'll bet you missed me. I'm not sure if you all knew this, but I now am God of the Sea! I have oh so many stories! Like the world is a round thing, and there's a country o'er the ocean, that's filled with folks like you and me!

TOWNSPEOPLE:

Hey Columbus! You are back now! We are sorry for our lack of trust and patience with your genius, boy our faces are red! You are brilliant, and courageous! You truly are a legend. You are here now, and we love you, could you ever forgive us?

COLUMBUS:

Oh, I think that could be arranged! If you'll also forgive me. You see, I didn't sail for Spain, but the Columbus family. (King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella approach)

KING FERDINAND:

Hey Columbus! Don't worry about that! Your actions have done more than any flag-planting could have. It's obvious you love your king and queen.

QUEEN ISABELLA:

We're singing 'cause we love you and it's obvious you've made us proud again.

GUINEVERE:

When you left, I was scared and alone. I wasn't sure if you'd be alive to come home. But now! I'm alive again! And my smile is as wide as the sea!

COLUMBUS:

Guinevere, you know that even though I went away, you were in my thoughts each hour of every single day! I've learned a lot and now you know that I am here to stay! Let's join our hands, lift them up, and give a joyous shout -

ALL:

HOORAY!

COLUMBUS:

I don't mean to say "I told you so," but I told you so: this world is round.

EVERYONE:

Hey Columbus! You have shown us all about how round this world is! And we love you, and we're grateful! And we know that you're a genius! Hey Columbus! You're a legend! And more than that, you are our friend! We will always stand beside you, and your glory will have no end!

HISTORY:

But this play does! And this is it! See you, friends! (History waves, the lights dim on the gang, the curtains close)

The End.