1. “Drug dealers are dorks, don’t even talk to them.”

Oh yeah, let’s take health advice from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Never mind that Michelangelo was a stoner and all four of them are inexplicably addicted to pizza.

2. Pee Wee lays the smackdown on crack.

Even with the thrumming heartbeat in the background, it’s hard to take Pee Wee seriously. His show was basically made for high people.

3. The heroin PSA no one will ever forget.

Here’s Rachael Leigh Cook starring as Winona Ryder in what may be the most intense drug PSA ever filmed. You all that, honey.

4. Kid becomes addicted to meth in pursuit of good grades.

This kid could benefit from a marathon session of Breaking Bad, as he’s obviously confused about how meth works.

5. Drugs, drugs, drugs.

The question, “Drugs, drugs, drugs/Which are good, which are bad?” goes unanswered, but this video sure makes me want to find out.

6. When I grow up, I want to forget this commercial existed.

I had no idea David Lynch dabbled in public service announcements.

7. He learned it by watching you.

LOL. This is every kid’s dream commercial. DON’T ASK TOUGH QUESTIONS IF YOU DON’T WANT TOUGH ANSWERS, DAD.

8. Documentary-style anti-drug commercial is real as shit.

Drugs is thicker than water, brah.

9. Partnership for a drug-free America figures out how to pander to 90s tween boys.

He shoots, he scores!

10. Know what you’re jumping into.

Especially if it’s an empty pool.