DISCLAIMER: Outside of the pride I have in Albany, this post is my own amateurish attempt at satire. If you want pro-level satire, yes, head back over to The Onion. Or, check out a White House press briefing.

The good, proud, hardworking citizens of the City of Albany’s collective eyes welled with tears. The clear self-hatred and sadness of one of their fellow local natives put their own crushing melancholy and heartbreak on embarrassing full display, as he clicked ‘publish’ on an article titled ‘Jeff Bezos’ Heart Breaks A Little Reading Albany’s Amazon Headquarters Pitch.’

(We won’t link to the article here. It doesn’t deserve any additional page views and…why bother?)

This single act served as a bit of catharsis for our likely Albany or Bethlehem born writer.

On trips home to visit his family, he cannot bear to go near the NYS Museum, as it brings back painful memories of being pantsed there in front of his entire class on a field trip back in 2002.

He will never gaze to the west towards the magnificent Heldeberg escarpment as his lunch was stolen, forcing him to eat dirt, leaves and expired apple cider on another field trip to Indian Ladder that same year.

The people of our great city can’t fathom his quiet pain. He’s since “gotten out” of Albany to move to a big, sophisticated metropolis. He cannot bring himself to use that city’s advanced transportation options, as riding in the confined spaces of a subway remind him too much of the forced, frequent residency he established in the lockers located at one of our great public high schools he attended, with anguish, for four years

He recalls any one of the individuals who placed him in those lockers as he slams his fingers on the keyboard, frequently slurping from a cup of overpriced coffee that was definitely not purchased at a Stewart’s or Cumberland Farms.

“I bet Jimmy doesn’t have a cool job like I do, working at the Onion.” he says to himself through gritted teeth.

Much has happened in Albany since he made his brave escape from a place that brought him so much heartbreak.

Forbes’ Magazine named us one of the “Best Cities for Jobs” as the very real, and growing, Tech Valley expansion grows technology jobs. Tech jobs are outpacing government ones.

Albany was named one of the 10 hottest cities for millennials. Looks like Jimmy did get a cool job, too.

Our police department has been nationally recognized as a leader in the nation for law enforcement assisted diversion and other progressive community policing strategies

We’ve got a skateboard park in Washington Park.

(You remember Washington Park, right? That’s where you got a bloody nose and had to call your Mom to come pick you up after you decided you try the “mosh pit” at the Tulip Fest that one year. It was after that you started wearing scarves and listening to the Shins.)

We’re making progress towards addressing amount of untaxed property in the city, and creating partnerships between public and private entities to help take the financial burden off tax payers.

In the past 70 years, voters in the City of Albany elected FOUR Joyce’s to the Albany County Legislature.

Oh, about the County Legislature? Legislators from the City of Albany sponsored laws protecting LGBT veterans discharged under DADT and addressing the pay equity gap between men and women. These measures were both passed unanimously.

Tobin’s First Prize? We partnered with Colonie to tear that all down with plans to build mixed use housing, commercial space and an entertainment center.

Speaking of eyesores…the worst one in the city, the cold storage Central warehouse next to 787 (we’ll get to that in a bit) has been sold to a New York City architectural salvager who views the place as a “blank canvass.”

And 787? The discussion surrounding how to address the jabberwocky of concrete, steel and roadways that separates our city from the Hudson River and the Corning Preserve has never been more productive.

Remember the scary industrial wasteland between Albany and Menands along Broadway? Guess what? It’s now called the Warehouse District and local entrepeneurs have turned it into a Craft Beverage Trail. The transformation continues, and it’s astounding.

We’re getting a gondola. If the “heartbroken” Jeff Bezos is forward thinking enough to bring Amazon H2 here, Amazon workers can ride it from across the river and tour the USS Slater, the one of the last WWII Destroyer Escorts afloat today.

We feel bad that your experience here was so traumatic. We do. Unfortunately, we’ve been too focused on growing, nurturing and loving our city to focus on mean-spirited snark.

We’re used to long shots and dreaming big here in Albany. We’re a proud people. If the good people at Amazon decide not to “Promenade” with us and Rensselaer, we’ll be just fine. You know why?

Arena football.