I couldn’t believe it when I saw the report that the new Seattle NHL team will — rumor has it, at least — be called the “Seattle Kraken.”

If you don’t know, a kraken is a sea monster from Scandinavian folklore that takes the form of a giant squid or octopus.

Now look, I grew up in Ballard. If anyone else should have a healthy appreciation for Scandinavian seaside legends, it’s me.

Do the powers that be not understand that we have a gigantic drug problem in Seattle? We have crack awash in the streets.

Poll: What should we name future NHL team?

The Kraken as the nickname for a hockey team in a city known for its out-of-control drug use is incredibly ironic. If you’re going to go that far, then why not call the team the “Smacken?” How about the Eightballs?

It’s all about merchandising. Someone thinks you can merchandise a kraken better than, say, a “Seattle Freeze.” Remember when the Everett Giants baseball team became the Everett Aquasox? Then they were able to use that cute little frog to sell merchandise.

What will our NHL team’s logo be? A guy lighting up a crack pipe?

I’m just ablaze with this.

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