1. Each turn is referred to as a “news cycle.”

2. One side retains the pieces used in standard chess; the other side consists entirely of pawns. The player with only pawns is nevertheless loudly and repeatedly assured that he or she still has all the regular pieces.

3. About a third of the all-pawn lineup doesn’t see anything wrong with the opponent’s king winning, and will be of no use to the player.

4. A handful of new pieces will be introduced during game play, scattered haphazardly across the board. They include: two overcooked macaroni noodles (Kushners), a shrivelled white raisin with lint on it (Sessions), and a washcloth soaked in warm Johnnie Walker (Bannon). Their permitted moves are unclear, but every news cycle, players must select one to put in their mouths until they gag.

5. Trump Chess comes with a countdown timer, whose ticking speeds up over the course of the game. This may cause players to feel uncomfortable and anxious, but trying to tamper with the timer only makes it worse.

6. The player with the sole king can wipe the board clean of all pieces at any point. During the subsequent news cycle, players are free to try to reassemble the board as best they can remember. There is no limit to the number of times the king-holder can do this.

7. The queen can disappear for multiple news cycles at a time. When on the board, the queen doesn’t move. She just kind of stays put and is aloof and silent. She theoretically could move in any direction she chooses, possibly even to end the game, but doesn’t for some reason.

8. There are multiple queen variations in each Trump Chess box but, having agreed to the terms of previous rulebooks, they can no longer participate.

9. Bishops remain on the king’s side, despite obvious contradictions to previously observed rules and regulations.

10. King-side rooks still move in straight lines, but they can also backtrack if they take out the opposing side’s pawns. If the all-pawn player attempts to reintroduce his or her rooks to the board, the king’s pawns and rooks may swarm them in what is known as a “fake-news flourish.”

11. Knights still move in that ridiculous two-squares-up, one-square-over path. They think they are being very clever. Their creepy horse faces must always be turned to face the king.

12. We’re told there’s an unseen Dungeon Master hiding somewhere nearby. Players may curse him all they want, but it doesn’t seem like he will be intervening in game play anytime soon.

13. Whenever a piece is captured, the king can immediately reduce its rank, claiming that it really wasn’t on the board for long and played a very minor role in the game.

14. Regardless of side, pawns will always be sacrificed before any higher-ranking pieces.