Why Are Conservative Thinkers Like Me Being Banned From Social Media?

“So surprised to see Conservative thinkers like James Woods banned from Twitter, and Paul Watson banned from Facebook!” — Donald Trump, 5/3/19

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These are dark and dangerous days for American democracy. When a mainstream Conservative thinker like me can be thrown off a social media platform just for espousing the free-trade ideas of Adam Smith — and also for claiming people from Africa and the Middle East have lower IQs — it threatens everything that’s great about our society.

Conservatism is a legitimate philosophy, and it’s truly the beginning of the end when someone can’t advocate for small government or call Muslim immigrants terrorists and invaders. It’s insane that right-leaning intellectuals no longer feel free to praise the work of Benjamin Disraeli, or prey on underage girls.

The belief in human self-reliance is a cornerstone of Conservative thinking, which is precisely why it’s perfectly reasonable to suggest that birth control makes women unattractive and crazy. The great father of Conservatism, Edmund Burke, said, “But what is liberty without wisdom, and without virtue?” and there can be little doubt that Burke, had he been alive in the 21st century, would also have spearheaded a racist, misogynist campaign of abuse against Leslie Jones.

The Conservative believes that there exists an enduring moral order. I didn’t make that up — that’s a sweet little gem from the one and only Russell Kirk, and pretty soon no one will be able to shout that in the public square anymore, or shout that white people are an endangered race either.

Brothers, our right to free speech is being trampled upon. In the Soviet Union, they jailed the dissidents. In China, critics are detained and then disappeared. Here in the United States, the unthinkable has happened because they aren’t letting me share my Reddit memes.

Cry the beloved country! I hereby declare this day to be the “Day of the Long Knives.” I know that makes me sound like a hysterical drama queen, but think about it: there’s absolutely no distinction between that time when Hitler executed members of his own Nazi party to consolidate power, and the present day inhumanity of not letting pasty-faced losers shitpost on Instagram.

Some of us still hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, that we are endowed by our Creator with the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and that Sandy Hook was a hoax while 9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by the US government. When you silence Conservative thought, the consequences are grave indeed.

What next? Are they going to ban the Federalist Papers? Burn copies of Atlas Shrugged? Say it’s unacceptable to call Jewish people “Satanic termites” and rant and rave about the Jewish-controlled media? It’s a slippery slope to tyranny.

First they came for the socialists, and we actually managed to convince the President of the United States that they were violent Antifa who were as bad as Nazis. That was pretty clever of us! But now they’ve come for us, and facts don’t care about our feelings, and neither do the terms of service of privately-owned companies who have a legal right to ban our sorry asses.

What will become of us, the great Conservative thinkers of our generation, now that we have been banished to the Gulag of 8chan and Gab? Who will listen to our incendiary batshit crazy stories about Pizzagate and Seth Rich and mass shooting crisis actors and chemtrails and Hillary Clinton? Where can we find easily impressionable, spineless dullards to promote our internet pitchfork mobs and hate-inciting lies?

Oh yeah. The president. The president will still listen to us. Cool. Cool.