Could you have set the bar any lower?

Asked my sister when I told her about this series of decisions.

There is a heaviness in my chest that I haven’t felt since my high school boyfriend and I broke up.

On paper, this looks like a complete train wreck.

Because, it is.

There is a reason they tell you to avoid relationships your first year of sobriety and it’s not because they’re trying to cock block you.

I met a guy the first week of November ~ the very first day I put the bottle down.

Red flag; number one.

The last thing I was thinking about when checking into rehab was a guy.

You’re not exactly winning life if you’re there, obviously. It’s not like you’re on the top of your game and think; next stop, rehab.

But, when I saw him I felt a feeling of comfort that I had known him forever. And, there was something about his eyes. They were soft and gentle and he was quiet. An athlete. He was sensitive and kind.

And, I was smitten.

He left a few days after I got there and we reconnected when my 28 days were done (I went directly to another facility after that because I was definitely not ready for the real world yet).

When my time was up at the next facility we talked about the next plan and the most logical thing we came up with was living together. Because, why not?

So, we moved in together.

Red flag; number two. I moved into his parents basement.

Against ALL recommendations from every woman I loved.

So, as I started rebuilding my life, he was facing a different future (I’ll get to that), but we made it work.

Each day we lived our little lives; working, meetings, movies, dinner with his parents every night.

I was learning how to live again. I was busy adulting; creating structure, routine, and social circles.

He was doing his thing.

Friendly reminder, save yourself the pain and don’t fall in love with an addict in recovery unless they actually want to get sober.

He got picked up for one thing or another and spent two weeks in jail.

Red flags; three, four, and five.

When he got out of the slammer, he was sober, happy to be back, and the sweet doll I remembered.

When you are on the other side of addiction the lies never end. The sneaking around, the looking at the phone, I felt neurotic; it’s an endless cycle.

I didn’t even know how to live, let alone manage this huge amount of co-dependency and an addiction. That, though, thank God wasn’t mine.

So, that was fun, que eye roll.

Then, I went to Germany for a week for work.

And, while I was gone, he was acting weird, but I thought that it was just because he was doing his thing.

When I came home he changed his status to in a relationship on FB, and I was like, aw, cute, finally.

It’s been over six months.

Spoiler alert. He posted a picture of himself hugging ANOTHER GIRL.

I cannot roll my eyes hard enough at that right now. I did not see that one coming.

So there I was, completely shocked. At work. Crying, calling him, like, um, hey, remember me, we live together.

What the actual fuck are you doing?

This was 3:00 in the afternoon and I was supposed to be home for dinner at 6:30 with the family.

Needless to say, dinner never happened.

I went to a meeting and told the women there what had just happened. I was shell shocked. I was so hurt. And, I was pissed. At myself, but mostly at him.

Around this time my lovey sister jumped in and asked me if I could possibly have set the bar any lower.

“We’ve gotta go up from here.” she said with an exasperated sigh.

I went to his house the next morning at 7am after he left for work and got all of my stuff. I was in a daze. I literally couldn’t believe it.

Who does that?

That morning, all I could think about was one of the many bottles hidden around both houses (I moved into an apartment) by closet alcoholics and how good it would feel. To not feel.

And, to be honest, I had to call one of my girlfriends at every step along the way as I drove past gas stations, grocery stores, the NH State Liquor Store to hold myself accountable until I got to work.

I went to a noon meeting.

And, I was sitting there, thinking, I already lost the guy, there is no way in hell I’m going to loose my sobriety too.

I remembered that I had a choice.

FINALLY. Something I could control.

I can decide what I put into my mouth and for that day, alcohol was not it.

The past few weeks have been a blur, I went on a few dates with a guy in the area, but honestly, I was just sitting there, like, the last thing I can think of is a relationship right now.

My heart hurts.

It literally hurts.

So, I’ve been doing a lot of writing, a lot of talking (shocker) and sitting in these feelings.

I’m not really sure what the hell I was thinking, he was looking at life in prison for drug related charges and was recently sentenced to 12 years.

Phew, dodged a bullet there. “Hey Honey, do you want to go see your daddy in prison?”

No thanks.

I’ve seen enough TV to know that’s not the life I want to live.

But, my heart didn’t know that and when I fell for him it was the most amazing feeling in the world.

I know that there are lots of theories of where my mind was (transferring addictions, distracting, deflecting, blah, blah, blah) but I’m not ready for that.

Once my heart has healed I’ll work on that part. I should also add that two days later my phone was blowing up, unsolicited pictures were arriving, and someone was apparently thinking. That’s alright buddy, I’m good.

Bye boi.

For now, I just know that it’ll get better, I’ve lived through it before, but for the love of God, if you can save yourself from this please do.