Shawn Thew/Pool/Getty Images

Of course, its extremely presumptuous of me — or anyone, rather — to speculate on the Obamas' sex life. Who knows what's happening privately between them? For all we know, they could have one of those arrangements like Claire and Frank Underwood where they both kinda do their own thing (and occasionally include secret service agents).


But come the hell on! Look at them! Look at our first lady! Look at that ass! Look! At! Dat! Ass! Look at that look on the President's face. It's the same look you have on Thanksgiving while you're praying before the feast; a look of "God is great and yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda is the praying done yet cause I can't wait to smash the fuck out of this dressing." They are totally, definitely, 100% fucking everywhere at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. From the windows to the walls. Till the sweat drips down Barack's balls. Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. The playlist proves it!

James S. Brady Press Briefing Room? They fucked there, right on top of discarded memos about Quantanamo Bay and a moleskin binder accidentally left behind by Josh Earnest. (They bought him a new one the next day.) The Grand Staircase? It was painful — that hardwood chafed the First Lady's shin — but they totally fucked there. The White House Situation Room? It's now the White House Squirtation Room. The Vermeil Room? I don't even know what the hell that is, but they definitely fucked in it.


As tickled as I am by the thought of our President and First Lady making the beast with two backs all through the White House, I'm gotdamn verklempt that they're doing in it a place built by slaves and with hallways adorned with the profiles of slaveowners who happened to be presidents. I'm beside myself at the thought of how disgusted some of the men on those walls would be if they knew what was happening beneath them right now. Seriously, imagine the look on Andrew Jackson's face if he knew the Black-ass president in 2016 would get so excited while boning his Black-ass wife that he accidentally shot jizz on his portrait.

I will miss these people, man.