White Book - Contents

Problem

Preface

To the Newcomer 1

A Personal Story 9

PART I The Problem 26

Sexaholism — The Addiction 29

Lust — The Force Behind the Addiction 39

The Spiritual Basis of Addiction 45

PART II The Solution 60

Getting Started 63

How It Works —The Practical Reality 77

Surrender — Steps One, Two and Three 79

Step One 83

Step Two 89

Step Three 93

Making the Wrongs Right Steps Four Through Ten 97

Step Four 105

Step Five 111

Steps Six and Seven 115

Steps Eight and Nine 123

Step Ten 129

Step Eleven 135

Step Twelve 143

Overcoming Lust and Temptation 157

PART III The Fellowship of Sobriety 170

Starting a New SA Group 173

Meetings—How They Work 185

The Sobriety Definition 191

APPENDIXES 195

Appendix 1 SA Meeting Formats 197

Appendix 2 Readings Commonly Used in Meetings 201

Appendix 3 - Where to Go for More Information 211

Appendix 4 – The 12 Promises 213

The Problem

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others. Early on, we came to feel disconnected — from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

Preface

This book is for those who want to stop their sexually self-destructive thinking and behavior. It was written piece by piece as the need arose during the emergence and growth of Sexaholics Anonymous. The various pieces were loosely bound together by some early Sexaholics Anonymous groups and were later edited and printed in preliminary form in 1984. Demand for what came to be known as "the white book" has grown, and it is now being made available in this new and revised edition.

Sexaholics Anonymous is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. In this book we describe how these principles are working for us. When based on a foundation of sexual sobriety and put into personal action, the Twelve Steps and Traditions become the beginning of a whole new way of life. The longer we remain sober and grow in a fellowship of recovery, the more we learn about both the problem and the solution. We are still learning.

Sexaholics Anonymous came into being in the years 1979-981. It is now a growing, international fellowship. The Twelve Step program, brought into the world through those finding victory over the tyranny of alcoholism, has become ours by the grace of God.

We offer this book in the hope and prayer that it will continue to be blessed in the recovery of many from sexaholism.

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To the Newcomer

What Works for Us

Those of us who are recovering in Sexaholics Anonymous were driven here by many different forms of the same problem. Some of us fit society's stereotypes of what a sexaholic might be and some of us did not. Some of us were driven to buy or sell sex on the streets, others to have it anonymously in bars or public places. Some of us found ourselves in painful and destructive affairs or consumed by an unhealthy obsession with a particular person or succession of persons. Many of us kept our obsessions to ourselves, resorting to compulsive masturbation, pictures, fetishes, voyeurism, or exhibitionism. Some of us victimized others. And with many of us, our compulsions took a toll on family, coworkers, and friends. Very often, we felt that we were the only ones who could not stop, that we were doing this — whatever it was - against our will.

When we came to SA, we found that in spite of our differences, we shared a common problem — the obsession of lust, usually combined with a compulsive demand for sex in some form. We identified with one another on the inside. Whatever the details of our problem, we were dying spir-

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itually — dying of guilt, fear, and loneliness. As we came to see that we shared a common problem, we also came to see that for us, there is a common solution — the Twelve Steps of recovery practiced in a fellowship and on a foundation of what we call sexual sobriety.

Our definition of sobriety represents, for us, the basic and necessary condition for lasting freedom from the pain that brought us to SA. We have found that nothing else works. When we have tried to deny what our common experience has taught us, we have found that recovery still eludes us. And this seems to be true whether we are male or female; married or single; whether our acting out was with the same or opposite sex; whether our relationships were "committed," "meaningful," or one-night stands; or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a "physical outlet." As the men and women of Alcoholics Anonymous learned over fifty years ago, "half-measures availed us nothing"!

We don't claim to understand all the ramifications of sexual sobriety. Some of us have come to believe that there is a deeper spiritual significance in sexual sobriety, while others simply report that without a firm and clear bottom line, our "cunning, baffling, and powerful" sexaholism takes over sooner or later. Nor do we claim that sobriety alone will lead to a lasting and joyous recovery. Like alcoholics, we can be "dry" without being sober in a deeper sense. We don't even claim that sexual sobriety will make one feel better immediately. We, like other addicts, can go through withdrawal symptoms when we give up our "drug." Nonetheless, in spite of the questions, struggles, and confusion that we have gone through, we find that sexual sobriety is truly "the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know." That's why we keep coming back to SA.

We have a solution. We don't claim that it's for everybody, but for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may share our problem, we'd like to share our solution with you.

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A Caution

We suggest that newcomers to Sexaholics Anonymous not reveal their sexual past to a spouse or family member who does not already know of it, without careful consideration and a period of sexual sobriety, and even then, only after prior discussion with an SA sponsor or group. Typically, when we come into the program, we want to share our excitement with those closest to us and tell all right away. Such disclosures might injure our family or others and should be confined to the group of which we are a part until a wise course is indicated. Of course, if there is any chance we have put others in danger, we take immediate steps to try to correct that.

Few things can so damage the possibility of healing in the family as a premature confession to spouse or family where sacred bonds and trust have been violated. Unwittingly, such confessions can be attempts on our part to dump our guilt, get back into good graces, or make just another show of willpower. Great caution is advised here.

Amends to family must begin with a sexually sober, changed attitude and behavior on a daily basis. Then, as we grow in recovery, we will find how to make direct amends. Help from sponsor and group is indispensable here. There's always a way, if we really want to make things right.

What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?

We can only speak for ourselves. The specialized nature of Sexaholics Anonymous can best be understood in terms of what we call the sexaholic. The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking altogether but is hooked

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and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop.

Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one's self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experiences and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know.

This will and should discourage many inquirers who admit to sexual obsession or compulsion but who simply want to control and enjoy it, much as the alcoholic would like to control and enjoy drinking. Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this.

What Is Sexaholics Anonymous?

Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober. There are no dues or fees for SA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. Sexaholics Anonymous is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and help other sexaholics to achieve sobriety.

(Reprinted for adaptation with permission of the Alcoholics Anonymous Grapevine. Copyright The AA Grapevine, Inc.)

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The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon AA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. 3. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. 4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole. 5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. 6. An AA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the AA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. 8. Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. AA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. 10. Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. 12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Copyright © 1976 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

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The Twelve Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous

1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust — that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of

His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Reprinted for adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

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The Twelve Traditions of Sexaholics Anonymous

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on SA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the sexaholic who still suffers.

6. An SA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the SA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Sexaholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. SA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Sexaholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the SA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films,

and television.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Reprinted for adaptation with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services. Inc.

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Twenty Questions

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual thinking or behavior?

2. That you'd be better off if you didn't keep "giving in"?

3. That sex or stimuli are controlling you?

4. Have you ever tried to stop or limit doing what you felt was wrong in your sexual behavior?

5. Do you resort to sex to escape, relieve anxiety, or because you can't cope?

6. Do you feel guilt, remorse, or depression afterward?

7. Has your pursuit of sex become more compulsive?

8. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?

9. Do you have to resort to images or memories during sex?

10. Does an irresistible impulse arise when the other party makes the overtures or sex is offered?

11. Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?

12. Do you feel the right relationship would help you stop lusting, masturbating, or being so promiscuous?

13. Do you have a destructive need — a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?

14. Does pursuit of sex make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?

15. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex has become more compulsive?

16. Do you lose time from work for it?

17. Do you turn to a lower environment when pursuing sex?

18. Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible after the act?

19. Although your spouse is sexually compatible, do you still masturbate or have sex with others?

20. Have you ever been arrested for a sex-related offense?

A Personal Story

What was it like? I hope I never forget, for if I do, I'm liable to go right back out there and think I can lust like a gentle man again. You see, I'm a sexaholic, a recovering sex drunk. That's like an alcoholic, only the drug is sexual lust instead of booze.

As a small child, I was a thumb sucker, and the only way my parents could rid me of the habit was to call in the local motorcycle cop. It was the 1930s, in the country not far from Los Angeles . My parents, who came to America on the high tide of immigration, ran a small neighborhood store, a combination gas station, shoe repair, and grocery. There in our store I was confronted with the ultimatum from this giant Enforcer, who loomed so large over me all I can remember is his huge potbelly and Sam Browne belt. It was either stop sucking my thumb or he would start slicing pieces off the end. I stopped, with a convulsive shudder. But I needed that pacifier.

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The only other obsessions I can remember before age eight were the Sunday comics and evening radio adventure stories and mysteries. My brother and I would practically crawl inside the loudspeaker to lose ourselves in total fantasy and escape the harsh realities of Depression poverty, which took our father and left mother with three hungry excuses for anxious desperation.

My favorite comic strip was Flash Gordon, with its brave men, marvelous machines, and gorgeous women in stunning and revealing costumes. One Sunday I was devouring the strip with gaping soul when Azura the Queen of Magic appeared out of nowhere to embrace Flash and touch my childhood — a strange new experience. The sexual arousal gave me the means of flight from reality, and I found myself compelled to escape daily into the ecstatic oblivion that masturbation provided. I had found my "connection, it was imprinted from the very beginning, and sex would thereafter become dependent on picture-women.

Though developing normally physically, I stopped maturing emotionally. In grammar school I wanted so to break through and relate to other children, but never quite made it I just wasn't there. I was off somewhere hiding inside myself, peering out at the world like it was all just another show being imagined in my head. Loss of emotional control was also evident during this period, and in ensuing years, in fits of temper, I would vent my suppressed resentment and strike out in violence against my brother.

Junior high school was more of the same, only with more anxiety. Boys and girls were pairing off, but I felt like the misfit, still peering out at the world. And masturbation — always masturbation. I used it as a pacifier, soporific for escape, and for feeling I was really alive. High school was the worst. I remember girls wanting me, but I still couldn't break through. I had a crush on a girl, but the best I could manage was looking at her when she couldn’t see me looking. It was in high school where I began seeing what was really going on between the sexes, secretly yearning for some of the action, not yet knowing what "it" really

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was. So I stole the locked supplement to the biology textbook and discovered to my great surprise and pleasure how humans had sex with each other. That's learning the hard way for someone who'd been a sex drunk for nine years!

In high school some of us would work half a day in the aircraft industry, then go to school the rest of the day. I remember bucking rivets on bombers, where the back-alley talk did more to feed my lust than pictures ever did. Part of me wanted what was on the wild side and wouldn't be satisfied without it, religious upbringing notwithstanding. That, plus a few brief encounters with high school temptresses — I see now they may have been captive to lust too — lit the fuse of desire that would smolder for years to come. I was extremely allergic to lust all along but never knew it. I just had that devastating feeling of being different.

Whatever else was going on in those years, two things were as certain as my own existence, maybe more so — the daily need for my sexual "drug" to ease the emotional turmoil inside and the continuing search for pictures to feed the idolatrous craving.

A New Phase

The U.S. Navy was the first time I can remember trying seriously to stop masturbating. Sensing something must be wrong, I brought huge hunks of willpower into play, along with new religious convictions. But all that did was turn me into a "periodic." (That's the term alcoholics use to describe the kind of drinking some of them did. Daily drinkers keep a certain level in their system; periodics can go without alcohol for days, weeks, or months, then binge.) I would force myself to go a few days or so without resorting to masturbation. After all, I was a man now, wasn't I? But this new pattern only worsened the inner conflict and fed my denial that there was a real problem.

After the Navy I entered college and worked summers in the aircraft industry. What a tremendous surprise to

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discover the stand around the corner where I could buy a whole magazine full of women! I could have my Queen of Magic — and better— whenever I wanted. Like the alcoholic, I had to know a "drink" was available at all times. This was my lifeline. At this stage, I don't think I was lusting after women in the flesh yet; lust was still tied to images on paper or in my fantasy. But having a ready supply handy only intensified the problem. The more I knew was available, the more I wanted and had to have, resulting in the need to "change partners" more frequently. As this new practice progressed, I found myself using a magazine, then destroying it. Tearing it up and throwing it away meant I was swearing off, never to do it again. Again and again and again! What better way of supporting denial? How all this damaged my ability to relate to a woman — or to anyone — would only become apparent to me half a lifetime later.

As I fed my malady and it progressed, so did the pictures in the magazines. There was always that enticing revelation of more and better and wilder pulling me on. It was as though lust had to keep advancing, and, never satisfied, had to resort to the ever-more-explicit images on which to feed. I'm a walking history of the rise of the men's magazines. In a way, my lust helped bring them into being. And, of course, they aided and abetted my lust. Lust always wanted more.

Once a new threshold was crossed — my first was women in one-piece bathing suits! — there was a new drug I had to have. But it only worked long enough for the next one to come along and carry me a step further. And as soon as that line was crossed, the next appeared as if by magic and had to be crossed. That addictive wave kept on advancing. It never stopped. There was always a new enticing aspect of Desire out there — or is it in here?— ready and waiting to pull me into it. And I had to keep riding the leading edge of that wave. The more there was, the more I wanted. The more I wanted, the more I had to have. Wanting more always led to wanting more!

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The first semester in college was good. My brother and I were reunited, college was exciting, masturbation was working, and I was doing well. Then a local minister intervened and manipulated what he thought would be a good boy-girl match. After all, we both played the violin, didn't we? I had never even gone out with a girl before, but shortly found myself engaged to be married! Twenty years old on the outside, I was an emotionally stunted child-adolescent on the inside. The poor girl must have thought she was trying to relate to a whirlwind. But the hurricane of events and my own confused emotions swept me off my feet; I don't even remember how it happened. I do remember swearing off sex with myself for a month during the engagement. It was the longest I'd ever gone without, and I did it by sheer fighting — white-knuckling it. But it fought back, naturally, and being deprived of the only "drug" I had at the time, I came close to a nervous breakdown. This engagement was interfering with my "drinking" something awful, so I found a perfect excuse to start up again. Big M — the good old unmentionable. How could I have thought I could ever live without it?

Marriage

Then marriage. What a shock! Somewhere in St. Paul, Minnesota, in a tiny upstairs bedroom large enough for only one bed, dents from pounding my head against the wall next to that bed from sexual frustration are probably still in the plaster. Finally, after a misunderstanding about not having babies, we had sex together. For the first time in my life I had sex with a woman. It was wonderful. So much better than masturbation! I wouldn't have to do that anymore! Free at last! And what a glorious feeling, being united with a woman. This was finally the answer I'd been looking for. I was in for another shock.

It turned out that I could not make the transition from auto-sex to union with another. Lust allowed me that hon-

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eymoon for a short time, only to demand its due again later. My old programming of twelve years was still there; I hadn't changed. Lust proved stronger than love (whatever that was). My jealous "true love," Lust, would not let me go so easily Masturbation again. Then, very soon, I began looking at, then wanting other girls. One partner, just like one picture, would never satisfy. I began wanting in the flesh what I had been programming my lust for in all those picture-affairs. That's when the fuse caught fire and began burning toward the powder keg.

Expecting a child, we returned to California , where my wife could be closer to home. I wanted to finish college, so after the baby came, we lived in the veterans' housing project on university campus. It was then I started taking off my wedding band so girls wouldn't see I was married. Another stage in the progression had arrived. I began the pursuit. First on campus, then on the sidewalks of the city, then downtown skid row. I think I was trying to hide even from myself what I was really after, but I found it nevertheless. They called them B-girls — bait used to lure men into bars to consume watered-down drinks. That first time, I went through all the grocery money in a few minutes, hoping I'd be offered something else more potent.

That's when the fireworks began. Desire, which had hitherto been inside my head only, began breaking out. Being powerless over masturbation was nothing compared with this. It was a thousand-fold more intense. Lust exploded within me like the star-burst from a Fourth of July rocket.

By age twenty-six I had scored my first adulterous affair. And lightning didn't strike me dead! What a wonderful freedom! I could enjoy adultery; I reveled in it. Free at last! What great release from that prison-house of the mind, where it had all been repressed fantasy and dammedup desire. Liberated! I had finally broken free. Affairs followed, one after another. Ah, the romance. "Dancing in the Dark. . . ." But adultery, even without guilt, didn't solve my problem either. I didn't know that lust itself was my

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problem, and that everything I was thinking and doing in the sexual area was only making it worse.

Another Stage

Then one night, out of nowhere, a prostitute jumped into my car. Was I ready! This was what I'd really been waiting for. The Queen of Magic in the flesh! This new ecstasy would surely lead me out of bondage into reality. No more masturbation. No more complicated affairs or pseudo-romantic preludes. No strings. What a glorious freedom! Little did I know that again, I was hooked from the very first, never again free not to resort to prostitutes, just as from the first I was never free not to resort to masturbation or adultery. The malady had advanced yet another stage. Another invisible line had been crossed.

At this time I was in seminary studying theology and working as an assistant in a local church. Everything seemed to pile up on me all at once. For one thing, I couldn't stand living the lie anymore, preaching and teaching the "Answer," yet secretly living in total bondage. And the addiction had destroyed my marriage. Lust always came first. Living with others, much less being responsible, was impossible. My life had become unmanageable. So after twelve years of tumultuous marriage and three beautiful children, I ran. It was just as well. The chaos I'd let loose inside my own heart and soul was wreaking havoc in my wife and children. Lust, like alcoholism, I later came to see, is a family disease. Everyone tied to the sex drunk is affected. Thus, one day I simply walked out on everything — bolted is more like it — from seminary, ministry, marriage, and family. That I wound up almost bolting from life is another matter.

Now the pursuit shifted to the seamier side of town, and by thirty-five I was a dyed-in-the-wool compulsive "trick," the term hookers use for their customers. I was descending into the demimonde of prostitutes, pimps, panderers, and associated vice and criminality. At times, for

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security, I carried a concealed folding machete with an eleven-inch blade. God only knows how close I came to being pulled into that dark whirlpool and getting sucked under completely.

But I thought it was great, that this was "where it was really at." I never suspected that the whole process from the very beginning was creating a deadly false reality and short-circuiting my ability to have normal relationships with anyone, let alone wife and children. Without sensing what was happening anywhere along the line, the great love "maker" had become the great love cripple.

Out of Control

Even my pursuit of sex on the streets progressed downhill. At first, it would only be under certain conditions or with a certain type of prostitute, and always with protection against disease. But one by one, over time, every single constraint and taboo was crossed. The more I indulged, the broader the spectrum of possibilities for feeding the obsession, including crossing the gender line. I must have felt the slavery. Once I was arrested by vice officers and hauled out onto the sidewalk for the whole world to gape at. I wished I could have disappeared! While they were frisking me, spread-eagled against the graffiti-blackened brick wall, I was saying to myself, Thank God! This is what I needed to make me stop. Never again! But it wasn't five minutes after my release that I was back out there looking for the same woman. Any woman!

Another time I was driving on the freeway. The compulsion had struck, I had quickly cashed a check and was racing out to the red-light district, when I saw a man lose control of his car and spin off into the center divider, slamming into it just as I whizzed by inches away. His car struck the divider from the rear, and I saw his head jerk over the back of his seat and snap completely back in a grotesque U-shape, obviously breaking his neck. I pulled off the next ramp, shaken, acknowledging the incident as a warning from

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heaven. Thank God! I thought, That's what I needed to make me stop. Never again! Less than a minute later, however, I found my car getting back onto the freeway, heading for its original scarlet assignation.

I had lost control of me. The compulsion had complete control, as it always had, from the very first. Only this was no longer "innocent" Lust was taking on a malevolent aspect. I was getting perilously close to connecting with the Darkness and crossing the point of no return. Those who've been out there know what I mean. After awhile, it ceases to be fun and games; it's for keeps.

But I thought I was free. Free from the yoke of marriage and responsibility. How easy to forget the family even existed. Free to pursue lust as I wished without having to creep home guiltily, fearing discovery. But the more freedom I had, the less free I became. The escape that the ritual and sex provided wasn't as complete and didn't last as long as before. The pleasure was not as unsullied, the rapture not as naive. I must have begun to see. I would swear off prostitutes periodically. Sex with myself had never stopped, and the magazines kept apace to feed the progression, abetting it further still. Then I'd try to stay completely sober without either. Nothing worked longer than a few weeks at best.

Somewhere, again, I had crossed another invisible line. Lust, by which I had been able to function and for which I lived, was exacting a wage — from me. Each new stage brought increased craving, which brought ever greater dependence and more insatiable desire and an ever greater need to quit.

About this time, I was beginning to look for a way out again; my ability to function and cope was deteriorating. Few realize what a terrible toll this thing takes on a person. But none of the professionals I went to for help caught on to the real problem. And I still had no idea what the real problem was. The problem was always "out there" — wife, children, other people, the boss, the job, institutions, reli-

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gious hypocrisy. After the divorce I had gone to a psychoanalyst, only to be reassured that my new career with prostitutes was merely relieving a natural urge. Boy, did I want to hear that! Later I would try other psychiatrists and group therapies. I never heard there might be such a thing as compulsive sex, much less that it could be addictive, progressive, and destructive. Later, when I remarried, one psychiatrist insisted I simply wasn't getting enough at home. But my wife and I were compatible sexually, and I got as much as I went after, and more.

Free at Last?

What insights I did get into my motivations only seemed to add to the curse, much as did my religious knowledge and belief. Knowledge was not power — even right knowledge! What I needed was not more knowledge about my psychology or God, but power to stop what I was powerless over and obey the little light I already had. I had stopped thousands of times; almost every time was the "last time." Staying stopped was my problem, and I made countless vain attempts at that: churches, prayer, fasting, therapy, tranquilizing drugs, and then remarriage, a new home, and a new job. What I really needed, I thought, was the right woman, the right job, and the right environment in which to live and work. In the new marriage I got all three. And on my wedding day I burned all my girlie magazines and movies in one grand show of willpower and high resolve. But it was like cutting off part of me, so dear were those favorite goddesses of mine. Within days after the wedding I was back to masturbation, and within months I was back on the streets, helplessly sinning against the new light of love, kindness, plenty, and peaceful surroundings. I must have sensed something was drastically wrong with me, but if I did, it didn't do any good. And the wives never guessed the dark-

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est secret locked in their husband's heart. Lust was his one and only wife, mistress, goddess, and slave master, and he was chained for life. My wives had never stood a chance!

I had decided to quit my job of ten years, thinking that if only I could do what I really wanted—write—all would be well with me. So we sold our home, and I got away from it all. I realized later that one reason I had quit my job was to avoid having an affair with a woman at work. It was another gallant and courageous attempt to do it on my own. Quitting the job was scary, but I felt great; it would be a new beginning. Free at last from all those temptations at work and free from the rat race, I could hide away in my niche full of books and become something new and better and different.

Despair

But that didn't work either. Stealing away, I'd race into the big city, score a connection, and return undetected. I just couldn't believe it; I had given it my best shot. 1 was doing what I wanted to do in an ideal situation, surrounded by love and nurturing, and yet I kept on going downhill! (If these good wives only knew how they were nurturing and supporting the sickness!) I began to see that all those great feelings of release and freedom that had accompanied the progression of the malady had been delusions. I had no idea that I was deluding myself, creating my own insanity. One stage at a time, I had been seducing and victimizing myself into a great lie: The Wages of Lust Is Life. I had never come to terms with the true nature of my problem: The wages of lust is death.

I progressed in the lie until finally, even the thought of masturbation or merely looking at a girlie magazine cover in the liquor store or supermarket ignited the compulsion, and I would have to go out and score my "drug"—find a prostitute. As this pattern of periodic despair worsened

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relentlessly, I finally concluded I had to be possessed with demons and submitted to the rite of exorcism. I thought I was willing to go to any lengths to stop the insanity.

Well, exorcism didn't work either. I even contemplated a drastic variation on the motorcycle cop routine. (Yes, I was getting that desperate!) There was nothing left for me to try; there was nowhere else to go and still be in charge, managing my will and life. I see now that in all my religious striving and psychotherapy I was waiting for the miracle to happen first, that I should somehow be zapped or "fixed," unable ever to fall or be tempted again. I thought that if a person just had the right religious belief, he was automatically "a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." That all thought of lust would be removed, much as a tumor would be excised by a surgeon. The "religious solution" was one of the subtlest strategies in my arsenal of denial.

I didn't realize that the essence of being human is to have free choice. God doesn't want to remove from me the possibility of falling; he wants me to have the freedom to choose not to fall. I'd been praying self-righteously all along, "Please God, take it away!" not realizing my inner heart was piteously whining, ". . . so I won't have to give it up." There was belief in God without surrender. That belief availed nothing! I had never died to lust.

The Dawn of Freedom

It wasn't long after this, in 1974, that I went to the mailbox and found the April 22ndissue of Time magazine. Its cover story was on The New Alcoholism. I sat down, devoured the article, got up, and called Alcoholics Anonymous. Many things in the article had struck with the force of revelation: There were many "alcoholisms"; it was being called a disease; it was hitting men and women, old and young alike; the descriptions of powerlessness matched my own; treatment, described by some professionals, was like trying to

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"exorcise a host of demons." Medicine, psychotherapy, and psychoanalysis didn't work. Alcoholics Anonymous did.

I went to my first meeting that night. That's how I discovered that the AA program of recovery for alcoholics would work for a sex drunk. And I was just as hopeless a drunk as any wino on skid row. I'd been there. In my very first meeting I saw people as desperate over alcohol as I was over lust, living free of their obsession. Here was a program of recovery that was working for them. And it has been working for me ever since, whenever I work it or let it work me.

I admitted gladly what I must have known all along, that I was powerless over lust, just like alcoholics were powerless over alcohol. The paradox made immediate sense: To win, I had to surrender and admit defeat.

I put down lust as one would put down heroin or alcohol. For me that meant not feeding it through the eye or in the mind. I also abstained from all sex, including with my wife. The second marriage was on the verge of collapse anyway. I wasn't even afraid sexual withdrawal would kill me, as I had felt before. I simply knew I had to stop, no matter what the cost. A strange thing happened; I didn't die! Why hadn't anyone ever told me that sex was optional?

I began going to AA meetings, stopped drinking and taking tranquilizers, and read the book Alcoholics Anonymous. I identified with the alcoholics right down the line.

After a few months I began having sex with my wife again, and not long thereafter discovered an amazing thing - sex without lust. They were two entirely different things! Intercourse without stimulation or an arousal scenario playing in my mind was something I had never known before. It was very simple, natural, real, and satisfying. What a gift!

But I soon discovered something else: it was too rare a thing. The pattern was that even though I was having sex only with my wife and had withdrawn from feeding lust at other times, I was still resorting to memories of pictures

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or past encounters to achieve arousal and orgasm. I wasn't free of my past, even though I was apparently free of the sexual compulsion in its old "scarlet" forms. What was wrong? Wouldn't everything be all right as long as I didn't take that first "drink"? But what was drinking for the alcoholic wasn't drinking for me, the sexaholic. To be fully free, I'd have to be free even of resorting to other partners in my mind. And for me, this was a long time in coming. I would discover slowly that my mental habit patterns were the key to my illness; without healing here, there would be no real recovery.

But here again, I found I was just as powerless over the images in my memory as I had been in my compulsive pursuit of sex. The more I tried to force the memories away, the harder they fought to stay alive. I would have to begin working the Twelve Steps of recovery for the inner man. But I delayed, and delay was almost fatal. After a year and a half without acting out the old sexual compulsion, I fell. I was casually glancing through a newsmagazine and lingered too long on a revealing photograph. By the third look, I had taken the first "drink"—the lust look—and what the alcoholics said would happen, happened. The first drink got me drunk. Within a matter of hours I was out on the streets again, having lost control, trying desperately to score.

This precipitated a lust-sex binge that lasted on and off for some three months. It was sheer hell. During that time I more than made up for the year and a half of abstinence, and wound up in "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization," a phrase the alcoholics coined. I had become willing to throw marriage and career to the winds and be a pimp in order to supply myself with the prostitutes I wanted, and even then, I knew that would not satisfy. The marriage was over; I was living in the garage; and I was getting suicidal. I had "hit my bottom." It was the end of the line. The party was over.

Somehow, by what had to be another miracle, I was able to crawl, raving, back to AA and start all over again. But this time, I would have to work those Twelve Steps to

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survive. I got a sponsor (a friend on the program to help me work the Steps) and began working on me.

I started from the beginning. Step One was taken when I realized at depth that I was absolutely powerless over lust and my sex life and emotions were unmanageable. Step Two became a reality when I came slowly to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. This came about as I re-established my connection with the Twelve Step fellowship.

With no more resorting to "drugs" to avoid the reality of my own emotions, I began to see and feel them. Raw nerve endings of resentment, negativism, anxiety, and fear became exposed. Above all, I think I was afraid of finding out what I was really like on the inside. It wasn't pretty. I discovered that un-insulated by lust, sex, pills, alcohol, or entertainment, I was a very marginal person and would have to begin growing where I had left off at the age of eight. And so the pain began. That's when I saw the truth of another paradox: We have to suffer to get well.

Working the Steps

The pain of awareness of who I really was drove me to work the Twelve Steps of recovery. The real freedom began when I could be free of my past. I became as a child, teachable, having to reject my way of doing and thinking for a new way of life based on surrender of my will to God. Then I began working on my defects, as they were uncovered not only in the inventory of my past, but in the continuing pain of seeing myself trying to relate to others. This process, of course, is still going on. I also began clearing away the wreckage of my past and making amends whenever I was wrong. Believe me, none of this came easy! I just discovered that I had to do it to survive! I had to die to myself in order to live. Another paradox.

Early in 1979, after a few hopeful beginnings that failed, Sexaholics Anonymous came into being, and since then I've

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been part of this fellowship of recovering sexaholics. I like what I'm doing to myself today. I don't have escape fantasies of being in a prison or leper colony anymore. The obsession and compulsion of sexual lust are gone; I've been set free. Not cured. I'm still a sexaholic; my programming still makes me want to turn my head at anything that looks interesting and take a "drink." Part of me still thinks it will die if I don't. But one day at a time, one encounter at a time, one glance at a time, one thought or memory at a time, I don't have to act on those impulses. I don't have to drink it in.

My continuing freedom is based on my attitude; if it isn't open to the grace of God and others I'm in big trouble. I can take that first drink again any time I want, inside my head, without so much as batting an eyelash! That's why my continued sobriety is predicated on maintaining a spiritual program—right attitudes about others and myself.

Healing in my marriage and in the family is one of the most blessed areas of this new life, even though things aren't always a bed of roses. I've found something better than lust—reality But I have to be willing to give up any thought of changing partners, either actually or in fantasy, even if it means not having sex at all. Each time, I have to surrender my right to sex and depend on the grace of God. What else can you call it? And there are times my wife and I have gone without sex for extended periods. But it's all right; sex is optional now. I have a choice. And mutually voluntary periods of abstinence for a year or so have proven to be the most constructive—and happy—times of our entire marriage. For me the key was finally giving up all expectation of either sex or affection, and working on myself and my defective relations with others.

It has been a totally new beginning for us. I'm just starting to get acquainted with my wife of seventeen years. I discover to my delight she's a person: unique, independent, an individual, a whole universe of personality I was blind to before. And the more I die to any thought of resorting to someone else and commit myself to this one union, the more pleasure and love and freedom I find.

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I can't believe that the person I'm writing about today is the same one who used to think and do the things I've been describing. Actually, that other person was a slave; he was living in a world of fantasy and illusion, only for himself, and always alone. He had never matured through emotional adolescence and was spiritually dead. He could not cope either with his own emotions or with life in the big world out there, and was constantly running. Running to satisfy demands and lusts that could never be satisfied. Running from who he really was; running from others; running from life; running from God, the source of his life.

The running is over. I've found what I was really looking for.

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PART I

Sexaholism — The Addiction

Lust — The Force Behind the Addiction

The Spiritual Basis of Addiction

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The Problem

For the sexaholic, the progression is relentless and inevitable. Within any given moment of our lives, however, we were unaware of the extent it had driven us and refused to see where it was leading. Like revelers riding a raft down the river of pleasure, we were unaware of the awesome power of the rapids or the whirlpool ahead.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

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Sexaholism — The Addiction

We sexaholics do not presume to be authorities on addiction of any kind, much less sex addiction. The trend of research on the subject reveals that the concept of what constitutes addiction is undergoing a process of evolution. Some researchers even confess to being baffled by what addiction really is. It seems the more we know, the more there is to know. We need to have some humility here. Looking at our sexaholism in terms of addiction seems to be a useful way to begin looking at ourselves.

We speak from our own experience as seen through recovery. We feel that only such an in-depth revelation will expose our condition for what it is and facilitate recovery.

Living inside our illness, we were blind to it. In recovery, the addiction begins to lose its hold over us, but it is necessary that we never forget what we really are. Had we seen but a little of this, it might have saved us years of agony and inflicting our madness on others. If we can help other sexaholics understand the true nature of what they are doing to themselves and others and encourage them to join in a fellowship of recovery before their malady reaches the malignant stage it did with many of us, we will indeed be grateful.

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General Aspects of the Addiction

Our experiences have revealed three aspects of our condition that commonly identify addictions: tolerance, abstinence, and withdrawal. If someone has experienced these three phenomena in some area of his or her life, that person is generally regarded as being addicted. When we apply this test to ourselves, we identify as being addicted to lust, sex relationships, or various combinations of these—for starters.

Tolerance

The term tolerance refers to the tendency to tolerate more of the drug or activity and get less from its use, hence the need for increasing dosage to maintain or recapture the desired effect. With addictions other than drugs, tolerance refers to a need for increasing amounts of obsessive thinking, interaction, or activity, with less and less effect. In short, we resort to the drug more, with diminishing satisfaction. We see how this applies in our case when we remember how our lust or sexual activity escalated over the years, crossing one line after another, first in our thought life, then in our behavior. For example, those early masturbatory fantasies were seldom enough; we graduated to seeking increasingly potent varieties. And if we got hooked on pictures, we found ourselves seeking ever-more-explicit images to use. If we began by dating for romance, it often escalated into seeking more promiscuous liaisons. Exposing ourselves in fantasy progressed to doing it in public. We needed more and more of our "drug."

Abstinence

The term abstinence refers to the phenomenon where the typical addict tries to quit using the addictive agent or activity. Perhaps we should call it attempted abstinence. We swear off — again and again. Something inside tells us we

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should stop. How many times did we say we had to stop? How many times did we actually try stopping? Some of us "stopped" every time we acted out!

Withdrawal

The term withdrawal is applied to the symptoms the addict may experience when deprived of the drug or activity. Such symptoms can be physical, emotional, or both. This gives rise to the deception and demand that we've got to have sex. But this is no different from the drug addict feeling he’ll die without his fix. It is simply not true; not feeding the hunger doesn't kill us.

Some of us look back on our transition to sobriety as a time when we were in a state of shock, in which our whole system had to slowly recover from the trauma of a lifetime of self-inflicted injury.

Sobriety involves a new and unfamiliar way of life, like driving in a foreign country without knowing the language or customs. Only this is a whole new inner terrain. Without the drug, we begin to feel what's really going on inside. It takes time to adjust to all this, and the support of others in the fellowship is vital. Journeying this new road together helps take the fear out of withdrawal. We see that others who have gone before us have discovered that sex is truly optional, once they surrendered Inst and the expectation of sex. And their comfort and joy are genuine; they are neither abnormal nor deprived. Married members discover they can go into periods of voluntary abstinence to recover from lust and find them surprisingly effective and rewarding experiences. Yes, there is life after lust! And life after sex!

We see that the practice of our addiction includes the whole range from sporadic or periodic to continuous acting out, sometimes all within the same individual. But regardless of our particular pattern, it involves the addictive elements of tolerance, abstinence, and withdrawal, though we probably are not aware of them at the time. And if we switch addictions — not uncommon for those trying to quit one - the addictive process is the same.

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Three additional aspects of our addiction we should look at are toxicity, adverse physical and emotional effects, and trigger mechanisms.

Toxicity

Toxic reactions to alcohol and drug abuse are common knowledge. What we might call the toxicity of lust becomes especially apparent to us in recovery. We become increasingly aware of the poisonous effects of lust on our thinking and behavior. We have heard members say, "I'm allergic to lust," and we know the person is trying to describe the toxic reaction that occurs whenever he or she takes a visual or fantasy "drink" without even acting out. In sobriety, once we have withdrawn from lust and then let it back in, the toxic effect is felt immediately and strongly. We can tolerate less of it than ever, and it produces a greater disturbance. Our sexaholism doesn't stand still; it progressively worsens.

"I could see a girl in a bikini on a billboard five years ago and it wouldn't bother me; now, I go to pieces and lose my mind over it."

"Lust throws my whole system out of whack. I lose my equilibrium, my control, and have to recover as if from a poison."

[Note: These and other italicized quotes are from Sexaholics Anonymous members, past and present.]

Adverse Physical and Emotional Effects

Who can say what is the full range of side effects that lust, sex, or relationship addiction can precipitate? We're still learning. Obvious effects are any of the proliferating horde of venereal diseases. Many of us found that impotence or frigidity also resulted from our sexaholism. But a vast range of other effects that we are just beginning to recognize accompanied many of us on our disastrous path toward sexual and emotional ruin: self-obsession; self-hatred; self-punishment; anger; loss of emotional control; isolation; and

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diminished ability to relate to others, concentrate, and function. Our sexaholism opened the door to a host of mental, emotional, and spiritual disorders that followed the advancing addiction.

It's as though at certain stages, our entire system cries out: Stop! You're killing me! Sexual sobriety opens the door to recovery, where the healing begins. We feel better physically, emotionally, and spiritually when sober and when the principles of the Steps are effective in our everyday lives. Trigger Mechanisms In our addiction we develop a growing number of trigger mechanisms that help set us off. These include stimuli, conflicts, or pressures that provoke a fantasy, feeling, or thought that leads to our acting out. We seem to have no trouble identifying some of our more tangible lust and sex triggers. By the time we've become addicted, we've created a whole universe of them, which expands as the addiction progresses. Here are some categories suggested from our experience; the list will never be complete.

Sex Objects. Persons of the same or opposite sex, including our own bodies. Almost anything about them can serve as triggers: various body parts, items or styles of clothing, body language, and endless varieties of speech, behavior, or attitude. Some of us include in this category animals and inanimate objects.

Media. Pictures, printed matter, ads, television and movies, music, and dance. Various places, from bars and dance halls to the streets, marketplaces, and showplaces of the city may also be considered media in the sense of what they communicate to us.

The Inner Landscape. Most of us can see how memories and fantasies can act as triggers. Intangibles we are likely to identify on our own are such things as failure, rejection, or criticism. More remotely identifiable triggers are such things as feelings of loneliness, alienation, world-weariness, boredom, isolation, "the lonely crowd," and other manifestations of unfulfilled God-hunger. Also, nudging us

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to reach for our drug are such things as a heightened state due to anything from compulsive work, anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, excitement, or haste, to such things as stimulating foods or beverages or even intellectual or aesthetic excitement. What we seem to be discovering is that just about anything can become a trigger, indicating that there’s an underlying pathology driving our thinking and behavior This can help us see how the whole person must be involved in recovery. Recognizing and accepting our limitations thus become crucial to recovery.

Susceptibility to such triggers is one factor behind our use of the program slogan HALT — Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

Hungry. With many of us, an agitated state of mind - haste, hurry, or "hyper," for example - seems at least as perilous as hunger. And hunger itself can lead to binge eating, as many of us so well know. Binging on food can trigger the sexual addiction.

Angry. Anger, resentment, and negative thoughts toward ourselves or others create the inner disturbance that isolates us and sets us up for our drugs.

Lonely. The "unconnected" sexaholic is a misconnection waiting to happen.

Tired. Fatigue often seems to make us more liable to temptation, lowering our defenses somehow, as though becoming weak physically affects our emotional stamina.

As we learn to recognize and surrender our triggers in sobriety and accept our limitations, fear of falling lessens We learn the difference between indulging ourselves and taking care of ourselves. The new way of life works

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if, that is, we begin finding what our lust was really looking for. Finding this is the result of a patient working of the Twelve Steps, which we shall get into in Part II. Before we do so, however, it may help to review the addictive process and consider both the concept of lust and the spiritual basis of addiction.

The Addictive Process

Here again, our experiences in recovery reveal aspects of the process common to other addictions. In the early formative stages we have an overpowering desire—Is it really a demand?—for an action, interaction, or fantasy that produces a high—something to get us out of ourselves. It brings relief and pleasure, so we seek it repeatedly and compulsively. At first, it's a pleasurable way to cope with our inner conflict or stress or pain that seems intolerable. It works. Typically, sex with ourselves or others starts us off, and just as in other addictions, it dissolves tension, relieves depression, resolves conflicts or provides the means to cope with a difficult life situation or take an action that seemed impossible before. Whatever form our sexaholism takes, it has the apparent effect of reducing isolation; easing lack of emotion, loneliness, and tension; and of gaining power or providing escape.

This new-found "friend" not only seems to reduce our inner conflict, boredom, and negative emotions, but also offers us fusion, validation, and a false sense of aliveness. As a matter of fact, all of these effects are false or at best only temporary. What seems to promise life is really taking away our lives.

It is almost impossible to pinpoint exactly when, how, or why our practice becomes addictive. Eventually, the process takes on a life of its own, often unrelated to the initial causes. And unlike normal coping practices, our addictive thinking and behavior become excessive and repetitive and arc forced to serve a whole lot of other functions they weren't meant to serve.

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Over time, the sense of pleasure begins to diminish; we feel less relief. The habit starts producing pain, and hangover symptoms begin appearing when the pleasure is outweighed by the pain: tension, depression, rage, guilt, and even physical distress. To relieve this pain, we resort to our habit again. As we constantly call on our addictive act for instant relief, our emotional control declines. We can go into impulsive behavior and mood swings, of which we are often unaware. Intimate and social relationships deteriorate.

Some persons coming into Sexaholics Anonymous seem to be in this transition zone between pleasure and pain. Thus, they go in and out of sobriety or the Program, feeling confused about their false start.

Eventually, what we're doing disrupts our ability for daily living. The addictive patterns lower our level of consciousness and remove us from life's mainstream. We are driven to spend more time thinking about and carrying out our addiction. At the same time, we deny the addiction to avoid the pain of recognizing how much of our life it has invaded and controls. The adverse side effects produced within us become more and more damaging.

Denial becomes woven into the fabric of our being. By refusing to listen to that still small voice within, we begin by denying we are hurting ourselves. For this lie to persist, denial must pervert the reality of ourselves and others and turns into blindness. We become unwilling and finally unable to see the truth about ourselves.

Finally, our addiction takes priority over everything else, and our ability to work, live in the real world, and relate comfortably with others suffers accordingly. In advanced stages, sexaholic practice becomes our main coping mechanism and only source of pleasure. Then it no longer helps us cope and begins causing new problems that must be coped with. In this vicious cycle, what was used as the cure becomes the sickness; what was used as the medicine becomes the poison; the Answer becomes the Problem.

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Summary of the Addictive Process:

It begins with an overpowering desire for a high, relief, pleasure, or escape.

It provides satisfaction.

It is sought repeatedly and compulsively.

It then takes on a life of its own.

It becomes excessive.

Satisfaction diminishes.

Distress is produced.

Emotional control decreases.

Ability to relate deteriorates.

Ability for daily living is disrupted.

Denial becomes necessary.

It takes priority over everything else.

It becomes the main coping mechanism.

The coping mechanism stops working.

The party is over.

For the sexaholic, the progression is relentless and inevitable. Within any given moment of our lives, however, we were unaware of the extent it had driven us and refused to see where it was leading. Like revelers riding a raft down the river of pleasure, we were unaware of the awesome power of the rapids or the whirlpool ahead.

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Lust—The Force Behind the Addiction

What's So Wrong with Sex'?

We hear this question often, and it was one of our favorite expressions of denial that we had a problem. We could ask similar questions for other addictions, the workaholic, for example. What's so wrong with honest labor? Or with compulsive overeating: What's wrong with it? We have to eat to live! Or with use of alcohol and drugs: What's wrong with a little help to relax and escape? And finally, with the sexaholic: What's so wrong with sex? It's God-given! People ask similar questions about the use of television, movies, music, etc. Usually those of us trying to rationalize our addictions are the ones coming up with these responses. When the questions are asked in such a manner, it is easy to see how we can be so misled. And sex, perhaps, carries the most confusion.

We find it confusing and difficult, if not impossible, to see the physical manifestations of our addiction as cause enough for surrender. Knowing we must stop, we go to great lengths to find reasons for quitting:

"I might get VD, or the wife will leave me."

"I'll have a heart attack if I keep on eating like this."

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"I just know this weed'll give me cancer sooner or later."

"I'll wind up with hypertension if I keep on working like this."

"I'll get cirrhosis of the liver and brain damage if I don't stop drinking."

"If I don't unglue myself from this Tube I'm going to turn into a vegetable."

Such reasons are seldom enough to make the true addict stop because they deal only with externals. The clue here is that we must differentiate between the physical action and the spiritual action (attitude) taking place at the same time in the same individual. Because he lives inside his attitudes, the individual doesn't see them; he sees only the physical activity and thinks he's feeling guilty for that. It is truly puzzling to him. Hence, the confusion on the proper motivation for wanting to stop any given addiction. When we look only at the activity itself, most of us find no sufficient motive to stop, but if we can see its spiritual consequences, this can help us despair of it sooner and surrender. Thus, we must look behind the physical to see what's really at work in our sexaholism. But first, let's take a look at lust, for it is this concept that serves as a bridge between the physical and the spiritual aspects of our sexaholism.

Lust

Why in Step One do we say we are powerless over lust instead of sea;? Is not some form of sex what we are addicted to? Yes, we answer, but our problem is not simply sex, just as in compulsive overeating the problem is not simply food. Eating and sex are natural functions; the real problem in both of these addictions seems to be what we call lust—an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires.

When we try to use food or sex to reduce isolation, loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape, or satisfy our God-

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hunger, we create an unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct. It is not only more intense than the natural but becomes something totally different. Eating and sex enter a different dimension; they possess an unnatural spiritual component.

The addiction is thus to lust and not merely to the substance or physical act. Dust—the attitude itself—becomes the controlling factor in the addiction.

This may be why people exhibit lust in more than one area. Often, those of us addicted to substances or forms of behavior discover we are also addicted to negative attitudes and emotions.

"I remember that when I came off lust, alcohol, and tranquilizers, resentment burst forth like a dammed-up volcano. I remember thinking that controlling lust must be like trying to control a piece of jello; you press in here and it bulges out there. Or like trying to rout a gopher; you plug up one tunnel only to have the beast go to work in another."

People may not be allergic to food and sex in the sense some people are allergic to pollen, strawberries, or cats, but we do become "allergic" to lust for food and sex. Misusing the natural instinct of sex for an unnatural end over and over again increasingly sensitizes us to the triggers of that association, until a simple thought or look elicits the compulsion.

For the sexaholic, lust is toxic. This is why in recovery, the real problem is spiritual and not merely physical. This is why change of attitude is so crucial.

What Is Lust?

A Personal Point of View

It's pretty tough to get a handle on it, but here's what lust looks like in my life. It's a slave master that wants to control my sex for its own ends in its own way whenever it wants. And it's like mental-spiritual noise that

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distorts and perverts sex, much as a raucous radio interference distorts a lovely melody.

Lust is not sex, and it is not physical. It seems to be a screen of self-indulgent fantasy separating me from reality—either the reality of my own person in sex with myself or the reality of my spouse. It works the same way whether with a girlfriend, a prostitute, or my wife. It thus negates identity, either mine or the other person's, and is anti-real, working against my own reality, working against me.

I can't have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person really doesn't matter; she's even in the way; she's merely the sexual instrument. And I can't have true union within myself while I'm splitting myself having sex with myself. That fantasy partner I've conjured up in my mind is really part of me! With lust, the sex act is not the result of personal union; sex doesn't flow from that union. Sex energized by lust makes true union impossible.

The nature of the lust-noise interference I superimpose over sex can be many things: memories, fantasies ranging from the erotic to revenge or even violence. Or, it can be the mental image of a single fetish or of some other person. Seen in this light, lust can exist apart from sex. Indeed, there are those who say they are obsessed with lust who can no longer have sex. I see my lust as a force that apparently infuses and distorts my other instincts as well: eating, drinking, working, anger... I know I have a lust to resent; it seems as strong as sexual lust ever was.

In my experience, lust is not physical; it is not even strong sexual desire. It seems to be a spiritual force that distorts my instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well.

And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, including gender. When energized by lust, my sexual fantasies or acting out can go in any direction, shaped by whatever I experience. Thus, the more I indulge in sexual lust, the less truly sexual I become.

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Therefore, my basic problem as a recovering sexaholic is to live free from my lust. When I entertain it in any form, sooner or later it tries to express itself in every form. And lust becomes the indicator of not only what I do, but what I am.

But there is great hope here. By surrendering lust and its acting out each time I'm tempted by it, and then experiencing God's life-giving deliverance from its power, recovery and healing are taking place, and wholeness is being restored—true union within myself first, then with others and the Source of my life.

Lust Is . . .

Not being able to say no

Constantly being in dangerous sexual situations

Turning my head as if sex-starved all the time

Attraction only to beautiful people

Erotic fantasies

Use of erotic media

Being addicted to the partner as I would be to a drug

Losing my identity in the partner

Obsession with the romantic—going for the "chemistry"

The desire to make the other person lust

Another Personal Perspective

Lust Kills

Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me.

Captive to lust, I cannot be myself.

Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me.

Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust.

Lust is jealous; it wants to possess me.

Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself.

Lust makes sex impossible without lust.

Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love.

Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me.

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Lust creates guilt—unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated.

Lust makes part of me want to die because I can't bear what

I'm doing to myself and my powerlessness over it.

Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward.

Lust is destructive to me and those around me.

Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me. Lust kills me!

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The Spiritual Basis of Addiction

The physical and psychological aspects of the addictive process are becoming increasingly identifiable, and sexaholism shares elements in common with other addictions. Our sexual experience or fantasy usually began as "the answer" to all our needs. It worked. It provided relief and pleasure like nothing else. At some point, most of us came to qualify on all counts as true addicts, and some of us were probably addicted from the very beginning.

In looking back, many of us see that regardless of how, why, or when it began, there came a time when we were not only aware of the power this thing held over us, but that we were acting against our wills. Only when we tried stopping did we see that we were captive to a force stronger than we, at the mercy of a power greater than ourselves. We could understand the dilemma of some professionals who had tried treating alcoholics (and some of us!) only to despair.

In recovery, we came to see aspects of our sexaholism lying behind the physical and psychological that paralleled similar aspects discovered by recovering alcoholics. These

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have to do with the personality, dealing with the will and the attitudinal forces shaping the person and character. We refer to this as the spiritual dimension. It is here where we discover the most powerful forces propelling us into our addiction.

Thus, we will use the word spiritual in referring to that aspect of ourselves underlying and determining all our attitudes, choices, thoughts, and behavior—the very core of personality, the very heart of the person. If we can see how the addictive process involves this most fundamental aspect of our being, we will be able to understand why recovery—whatever else we make it—must be a spiritual process.

We use the term spiritual in this broader, nonreligious sense for another reason. Some of us testify to having led a spiritual life while still practicing our wrongs. Now we see that the spiritual realm encompasses both good and evil, and that regardless of our spiritual experiences—real though they may have been—what we were doing was neither good nor right.

Origins

Perhaps the best way to illustrate the spiritual perspective is to use a personal story. The following is an excerpt from a Fourth Step inventory written by a recovering sexaholic. (This was part of his second Fourth Step, written after a few years in recovery.)

When I told mother about my first masturbation, she told me not to touch myself and to never bring it up again. Of course, she didn't handle the situation right, but that's where I seem to connect with the wrong in me.

I closed off inside, like dropping a curtain between me and her—and the world too, somehow. I threw

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some kind of tremendous silent switch. I would never again be on the outside what I was on the inside. What I was on the inside suddenly changed, and part of me retreated into that dark tunnel, way inside myself. I think that's when my resentment must have crystallized inside me. Let me see if I can play it back.

I remember turning away from my mother, silently submissive on the outside, but something on the inside turned deep and dark. I just know I had a drastic change of attitude then, like a whole new mode of being. I was going to do what I wanted to do!

This attitude was against my mother. In order for me to keep doing what I wanted, I had to set myself against her. But it had to be on the inside, because I was afraid to assert myself.

There wasn't even a dilemma; I just went ahead and masturbated again without a thought. But every time thereafter, masturbation had a totally new feeling to it. It got me out of myself. A vast satisfaction. Great relief. Total escape from that inner pressure. What fantastic release!

As a matter of fact, the first and subsequent masturbations seemed like totally different experiences. The first was simply a new and pleasurable physical sensation that I didn't understand and something I could bring out and discuss. The others weren't really physical at all; masturbation was merely the means for entering a whole new and free world inside me. It was spiritual, there's no other way to describe it. I really can't overstate this feeling. The physical was nice but no big deal; but what a glorious discovery the other was!

Let's see if we can dissect this sample of experience, isolating it from the sexual activity, to see if we can discern a spiritual process at work in the development of addiction.

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• Based on a real or imagined injury, we create and hold on to a wrong toward another; we choose to distort the truth. Rebellion and hence resentment are born. (Perhaps a more inclusive term, sin, would be more appropriate.)

• This distortion of reality produces a false spiritual high—satisfaction, pleasure, and release from the conflict produced by our wrong. Rebellion and

resentment fill a need (really a demand).

• We take nourishment from the resentment; it sustains us. It sustains the new reality, which is a lie. It hides our wrong; we don't have to face it and deal with it. Thus, resentment is used as a drug.

• To continue justifying this wrong to ourselves, we periodically play the incident back, winning the case in court against the other person every time. By thus re-experiencing the resentment, we seek to recapture the effect of the original high.

• Our use of resentment thus becomes habitual, producing more wrong, which requires more of the drug to cover it. The vicious cycle is set; it has a life of its own, unrelated to the initial event.

• Persistence in this habit produces distress. Part of us always knows when we're wrong: the lie doesn't square with something inside us, with what we see in the real world outside, and with inputs we get from others. Plus, we feel guilty for enjoying this unnatural ecstasy, and our isolation increases.

• We try abstaining from this inner spiritual habit, so we act outwardly toward the objects of our resentment as though we hold no wrong against them. But this pretense deprives us of our drug (resentment), creates a new lie that needs more drug, and forces us to treat the distress of withdrawal with the medicine that provides relief—more resentment.

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• This mental behavior fulfills the three criteria of addiction noted earlier: tolerance, abstinence, and withdrawal. We are now fully addicted to resentment as a spiritual attitude, quite apart from any physical acting-out.

Now, if we add the ingredient of some physical habit to this spiritual-mental process, as we do in our case with sex, we can see how the imprinting, conditioning, and programming become all the more total, rigid, and controlling. Once this pattern is established in the disposition of the inner person, it must manifest itself in some form of overt behavior—we are addicts waiting to happen. Thus, the addictive process may be established in the inner person long before it ever appears in our behavior.

When the man described above withdrew from his lust and sex addiction, resentment, which he had never before been aware of, suddenly erupted with volcanic fury and possessed him as lust had done previously. His physical addiction had been used to cover or drug the spiritual ill-ness. For there to be any true and lasting recovery for him, he must right the wrongs in his life from the inside out. To stay sober sexually and grow in recovery, he will have to surrender his resentments. The Spiritual Process From the preceding example and what we know from the experiences of other recovering sexaholics, let us summarize the elements of the spiritual process underlying and fueling the addictive process. As we take up each of these in turn, we will see by the end of each point that we are responsible in each stage of the process. Regardless of other factors contributing to our addiction, we are the active agent in its development.

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An Attitude Change

A change of attitude sets the course for our addiction. It is nothing less than a change of heart. It may take place suddenly or slowly, over time. And it can happen at any time, though usually very early, in childhood or adolescence. In many of us, our sexual misbehavior seems to have been the focal point for rebellion against authority. Under the surface many a sexaholic is seething with resentment, hostility anger, envy, rebellion, and rage. We may not be consciously aware of it or of the powerful life-altering significance of such a disposition, but the more we discover about this aspect of our condition, the more we realize that our behavior was the manifestation of inner attitudes and thoughts. To put it another way, our attitudes enabled the addiction. External conditions did not really make us what we are. Our attitude toward those conditions shaped our response. Attitude transcends the externals; attitude makes the person. We are what we think. Thus, we create our own predisposition to addiction.

A Decision to Persist in Wrong

The attitude change produces a decision to persist in doing something wrong. There is probably no such thing as an attitude change in the abstract; it is usually tied in with another person. It sets us against another. Focusing on some real or imagined wrong, we choose to resent that person do what we want, and push the person away. We may still be dependent on them, as with a parent, brother, sister, or spouse, but we separate from them in our heart. A wrong attitude toward others is the key to the negative spiritual process empowering the addiction.

The missing link between the original attitude change and the subsequent addiction is that the wrong attitude itself becomes an addiction. We nourish, defend, and deny it.

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"I know I get a hit' off that resentment every time I play back the scene with that person in my mind. It's like taking a drink from something deep inside me. Why? What's it doing for me? At times I swear I'm hooked on resentment more than I ever was on lust or alcohol!"

Resentment is said to be the number one killer of addicts. We will have to start undoing our addiction from the inside out.

Thus, our wrongs hold us in bondage; we sin against ourselves.

Guilt and Punishment

Unknown to ourselves, we thus reap the penalty for everything we think and do wrong. For every wrong, there is a reaction within us that negates life, adding to the pool of our emotional and spiritual distress.

"'Dear God!' I cried out that day, 'that's me in there! I am what I think and do—every moral choice and attitude! Once I've let anything into the Stream of my life, it's part of me. Coursing through my whole life. Like a contagion, every negative deed and thought seeps into that Stream, till I find myself reeking with this polluted waterway. Polluted me, polluting me!'"

"I never realized that I've been dragging my entire past with me. Every one of these people are still alive in my mind, and I'm reliving every one of these incidents, whether big or small. This cancer has been eating away at me my entire life!"

Thus, we defile and punish ourselves.

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Self-Obsession

As we make the conscious spiritual choices setting into motion the addictive process, we become increasingly selfish and self-centered. A rebellious attitude sets in, with or without pseudo-compliance on the surface. In order to keep from looking at ourselves, we find fault with those closest to us as well as with the institutions ministering to our needs. All we can see are the inadequacies, wrongs, and injustices of others.

We become increasingly closed off and defensive, unteachable and willful, and a kind of hardening sets in. Obsession with self is a negative spiritual attitude and force. Though the world outside may not see it as such, our spouses, children, fellow-workers, cats, and dogs know different. Self-obsession smells bad to everyone but the obsessed.

Our self-obsession takes different forms, from one in plain view to the covered, where it is disguised under passivity and the appearance of gentleness or pseudo-concern. The greater the self-obsession, the greater the con to disguise it. It prevents us from detecting the emerging flaws that later will turn into cracks and disastrous fissures in the reservoir of the self. And self-obsession inevitably produces spiritual blindness. To keep from seeing ourselves, we seize on the wrongs of others.

Most difficult for us to see was that being obsessed with self meant we had become the Source of our own lives — our own god. We were the most important person in our world.

Thus, we had to connect with ourselves; we became addicted to ourselves. No wonder so many of us found masturbation to be infinitely more than childhood experimentation. It got us high on ourselves, short-circuiting any meaningful connection with others and God.

In our great and lofty pursuits of "finding" our lives we shut out the possibility of ever receiving life.

"The program people showed it to me. I'm high on myself. I'm sitting there, talking about myself

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and my wife and my job and those people out there! And I'm the center of the universe and can't see that that's the problem! It got to be awful lonely, sitting on that throne of God."

Thus, we make ourselves god.

Separation

From our very first attitude change, we isolate ourselves. We start building a wall around us, especially between us and those we are close to. It may appear that just the opposite is true. We can be outgoing, warm, personable, charming, lovable, and kind—as long as it serves the self. The reality of the matter is simply that we cannot hang on to resentments or practice our addiction without negating true union.

At the same time, we are separating ourselves from God. Our way of life sets us on a course away from instead of toward. And this is inevitably true, even though we may still be fervently engaging in religious exercises or having spiritual experiences or are sober in other programs.

This process has an even more insidious aspect—separation from ourselves. We start moving farther and farther away from that part of ourselves that has the light, until we may finally lose it. The duplicity of holding resentments on the inside while being something else on the outside creates a split that not only isolates us from others but from our true selves—separation at the very core of our being.

No wonder we start having so much trouble with our mental health. We push the light (truth about ourselves and others) farther and farther away until finally, when none gets through the shield of self-will, the darkness descends. The result is isolation, alienation, depression, and disunion within ourselves. Is not this an insanity all its own?

Thus, we lose ourselves.

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Blindness and Delusion

As soon as we set into motion the process of covering our wrongs there is an increasing inability to see ourselves as we really are and others as they really are. The alcoholics call this pride-blindness. How sharply attuned we became to the defects of others. Our ability to detect hypocrisy in others seemed to increase in direct proportion to our own self-blindness, as though we had to sharpen our critical spirit the more to keep from looking inward. Often our judgmental attitude took on great heat as we raged against people, places, and things. We could not see that we were half a dimension off, that the reality within us had shifted we would never know the real truth about ourselves or others until we had a change of heart.

We were particularly blind to the perception of our addiction. Even though part of us knew the habit controlled us it was often the one thing in our lives we thought we were controlling. This made letting go of the habit more difficult.

The blindness starts as we deny the truth about our wrongs and hold on to the lie of our own rationalizations. Reality gets turned upside down. What is wrong becomes right because we're doing it. Self-obsession at work! This creates willful blindness—delusion—for which there is no cure except a change of heart.

"Well, I stepped out on the wife again last night. But you know, it really didn't bother me as much this time; I didn't feel guilty. I simply won't let it affect our relationship. I couldn't do that. And as long as she doesn't know. . . "

The deterioration goes ever inward. Thus, many of us appeared to be normal, healthy specimens, with simply an emotional problem or two. We even fooled the professionals. No wonder so many of us thought of suicide. The gnawing realization of dying on the inside left us with nothing to resort to but more of the same sick thinking and behavior.

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Not even the threat of untreatable venereal disease could induce us to forsake our habit. (Some of us called it "LOVE.") It wasn't unusual for us to feel miraculously exempt from all judgment, even divinely protected.

Thus, we delude ourselves.

The Negative Connection

We find that spiritual isolation is intolerable for long. Nature abhors a vacuum. Self-obsession tries to fill this void, since it is a closed-loop connection with the self. Another substitute connection within ourselves was masturbation, which often continued through marriage and other relationships as the "normal" experience.

But our misconnection went deeper. It seems that with all our human drives—hunger, thirst, sex, power, and the like—the most basic is what we might call the Person-drive, the drive to have union with another. This drive must have its Connection. Without this essential core of our being plugged in somewhere, life is unbearable. We can't just leave the plug of our soul dangling. We can't survive alone, cut off, disconnected. But most of us confused the personal with the sexual, as though only the sexual aspect of this union would satisfy what essentially is a spiritual drive. So, we used sex or lust or relationships to satisfy this drive, letting them take the place of God as source of our lives. Idolatry.

This negative connection never satisfies. The hunger merely deepens, and the compulsive pursuit of more and different and better accelerates. Just as the Person-drive is the force driving us to connect with the best in us, others, and God, lust becomes the negative force connecting us with the worst in us and others and with what someone has called our negative god. It is in this area where some recovering members see in their sexaholism an aspect they call the diabolical. Thus, we pervert ourselves.

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Spiritual Death

When we look at these spiritual aspects of the addictive process, we are forced to face some things we simply could not accept before we surrendered. Prior to our recovery, it was impossible for any of us to comprehend or accept the true nature of our condition. "Sure," we said, "there must be some poor sex drunks who are that bad off, but not me!" Looking deeper, we said, "Yes, me!"

We choose the course that sets us against ourselves and others so we can persist in wrong. Self-obsession is a spiritual delirium all its own, an idolatry of the most insidious sort. Our diseased attitude is an irresistible force driving us away from others, ourselves, and God and into our addictions. The darker side of our negative connection is truly fearsome. And the insanity of our delusion damns us to a condition where truth about ourselves cannot penetrate. We must finally ask, then, Doesn't all this add up to spiritual death?

The stakes are higher than we figured. Had we ever glimpsed the truth for a moment, the torment would have been greater than we could bear. Thus, the illness must perpetuate itself, both within and without. To stop means we must face the truth about ourselves, and that is like the very threat of death. But unless we do stop and face the truth about ourselves, we remain in death. Thus, we destroy ourselves.

Conclusions

When we look at the addictive process, we see that what we call the spiritual factors lie beneath the psychological and behavioral. This underlying soul sickness, now apparent to us only in recovery, is the root of our problem. We are forced to certain conclusions: (1) Sexaholism is an addiction, and we sexaholics have the same basic characteristics

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as any other addicts, and perhaps some unique ones of our own. (2) The nature of what we have been doing to ourselves is truly shattering. (3) Our addiction is an inside job; we are responsible for the attitudes that set its course and propel our thinking and behavior. (4) Since we had something to do with becoming what we are, we can assume responsibility for the change of attitude—surrender—that will allow healing to begin. We can become willing to see and surrender what we know we're doing wrong. The Fellowship and the Program of the Steps take it from there.

Every time we "go back out there"—our way of saying we have resorted to our addiction once again—we set in motion these same self-destructive processes. We start another countdown that leads to an end that progressively worsens. There's no way we can avoid restarting the self-destruct mechanism, and no knowing when we will reach that point of no return.

If all of this leaves you with a feeling of despair, that very despair may indicate you are willing to face the truth about yourself for the first time. It was to such despair that we had to come before we could be released. Left to our own devices, the prognosis is dismal. Only for those who want recovery is there any hope at all, and to such, we offer great hope: release from the power of addiction, loss of guilt and shame, power over wrong and freedom to do right, and the ability to live comfortably with ourselves, others, and God. This is precisely what the Fellowship of the Steps will do when we make it a way of life.

But the hope we offer lies in a certain direction. Since sexaholism is essentially a spiritual process in its origin and development, it follows that the program of recovery giving us the best results is also essentially spiritual. Since our condition is characterized by the relentless progression of diseased attitudes, recovery for us lies in a profound change of attitude toward ourselves, others, and God, and in the righting of our wrongs. Thus, SA is a program of action, from the inside out.

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You don't have to understand any of this to recover. If it has parted the veil of obscurity and misinformation cloaking our condition for only a brief glimpse inside, it will have served its purpose. It should also help those of us in recovery to understand the radical nature of the change of heart and character that must continue if we are to live sober, joyous, and free.

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A Note on Use of the Term "Spiritual." We quote from Appendix II of Alcoholics Anonymous:

The terms spiritual experience and spiritual awakening are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms. ...

Most of our experiences are [of). . .the "educational variety" because they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.

Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it "God-consciousness."

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.

We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and openmindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation." (Herbert Spencer) (From Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 569-570.]

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PART II Getting Started

How It Works—The Practical Reality

Surrender—Steps One, Two, and Three

Step One

Step Two

Step Three

Making the Wrongs Right — Steps Four Through Ten

Step Four

Step Five

Steps Six and Seven

Steps Eight and Nine

Step Ten

Step Eleven

Step Twelve

Overcoming Lust and Temptation

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The Solution

We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three.

The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it also meant "drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust.

We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to God and others.

All this was scary. We couldn't see the path ahead, except that others had gone that way before. Each new step of surrender felt it would be off