CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C. Roebuck told reporters Monday that he was “really enjoying the hell” out of watching Sears struggle with mounting layoffs and a steadily declining market share. “I have to say, the people in charge these days are complete and utter dimwits, and it’s been an absolute dream come true to watch that turd of a company go down in flames,” said the broadly smiling apparition, acknowledging that he “laughed [his] ass off” at the 170-plus store closings recently carried out by the beleaguered retailer. “The second they stopped sending out those mailers, I knew they’d never make it. It’s tradition! And what the hell is ‘the softer side of Sears’ anyway? If my good friend Richard [Sears] were not burning in hell, he’d be humiliated at the fool they’ve made him out to be.” The flickering specter then shook his head and stated that he could tell “it was all downhill” for the retailer after it discontinued its popular lines of opiates, home anvils, and powdered remedies to suppress women’s hysteria.

Advertisement