Dante’s Inferno – Isn’t that a new club in the Meat-Packing District?

When a disoriented Dante, of Dante’s Inferno fame, passes through the gates of Hell, he sees a sign which bears the famous inscription, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” I hear a version of that aphorism in emails and Facebook messages and blog comments all the time, from alcoholics who are currently suffering, or from those who (like Dante) have passed through Hell and made it to the other side, with an excellent drinking story to tell…

A quick Sparknotes refresher of the nine circles of Hell reminded me of a certain Moscow club I made it past the bouncer and into, a few years ago… And the 3 a.m. powder room of any bar, bears witness to the deadliest sins at work: jealous comparisons in full length mirrors, talking trash with frenemies, puking into the porcelain god…

Let’s face it, alcohol brings out the beast in all of us. And alcoholism is the three-headed dog…

The Seven Deadly Sins of Alcoholism:

Pride: Pride has been called the sin from which all others arise. Alcoholics strut their stuff, repeat their boring stories and revel in their selfishness. There is no one more self-absorbed than a boozer…

Envy: Green is the color of envy. Too much Irish whiskey, and the “gift of gab” changes to cruel critique of everything from a “friend’s” karaoke to a coworker’s “undeserved” promotion.

Gluttony: Every alcoholic is a glutton: there is no satisfaction. Alchies drink long after the thirst is slaked, until all the open bottles of vodka are emptied. We drink a few thousand empty calories and then stop for a drive-through, party-bucket of fried chicken on the way home…

Lust: Come on, people. When is the last time you heard of a one-night-stand that didn’t involve alcohol? Or a double-bagger/coyote-ugly joke?

Anger: Alcohol fans the fires of drunken fury. Every barroom bawl starts with the shoulder-shove; the, “What you lookin’ at?” and ends with the words, “Pour me another, barkeep!”

Greed: Money is not the root of all evil, but greed might be. Problem drinkers are messy consumers, the detritus of their excess piled in recycling bins on the curb.

Sloth: There is no surrender to a higher power when one is under the boot of alcohol. Avoidance of spiritual work is the hand stamp. It’s the Sunday morning hangover remedy – the Bloody Bullshot…