With all the bathroom-buggering politicians crushing already starved countries with embargoes, military interventions and corrupt aid distributions, your nation is surely next to become so destitute that all you have to eat are cakes made of mud. Fortunately, we’ve developed a tastier version of this type of dessert for your pre-poverty palate. In fact, you’ll relish its flavor for as many years as it will take for anyone to notice that you’ve been eating dirt for decades. So celebrate life now and try one of these organic Seismic Haitian Mud Cakes before the “First World” uses its foreign policy to starve you in the name of democracy, privatization, SUVs and Viagra® — you never know how long it will take for a disaster to strike that will guilt the international community into finally bringing you a meal.

Ingredients

5 lbs. dirt

3 Tbsp. salt

1 cup vegetable shortening

Directions

Put your dirt into a strainer (or whatever’s available) and hold it over a pot. Then run water (or whatever’s available) through the strainer to extract the rocks, etc. Mix in the shortening and the salt. Then pat the mixture into a cake and leave it to dry under the scorching sun. The cake will be ready to eat after 12 hours, after which time you can decorate it with whatever happens to be around.