EDITORIAL by Robert Mueller, former FBI Director

As special counsel for the Department of Justice, I’m aware that the details of my investigation into the Trump campaign are vague. The very nature of investigations this large in scope demands that things need to be played close to the chest. There is, however, one matter on which I do feel I need to speak about publicly, and one appeal I ‘d make to anyone else I may be questioning in the future.

If, in an interview with me, I discover that you have been compromised by the Russian government, please do not attempt to bargain by offering me the Donald Trump pee tape. I now have 57 copies of the pee tape. Please bring something else to the table.

In my office, by my desk, there is now an overflowing Rubbermaid bin labelled, for lack of a more apt descriptor, “Pee Tapes”. This is the sort of thing I would love to NOT have in my office, and I share the public’s desire for a speedy resolution, if only so that bin can be permanently lost in a warehouse. I’m running out of pee tape storage, and this is a problem unbefitting my station.

As a former Director of the FBI, I’m a somewhat practised hand at this sort of investigation. But I’ve been stunned not only by how many people have been willing to flip on Trump, but at the fact that everyone – and I’m not a hyperbolic person, everyone – has used the pee tape as their personal bargaining chip.

And everyone thinks they’re the first to offer it! “I know it looks bad for me, but what if I told you the pee tape… was real?” I know it’s real. I’ve seen it, and I’m not even sure one pee tape is critical to my investigation, let alone the Lord Of The Rings trilogy duration of pee tape I now possess. I don’t know how so many of you got this tape, but please stop making that my problem.

As you’ve likely heard, I will be seeking an interview with President Trump. This is mainly because A) I long to see the man not covered in pee, just as a visual palette cleanser and B) he’s the one person I assume will NOT attempt to show me the pee tape. Although honestly, who knows. Knowing him he’s probably proud of it, he’ll probably ask if we can watch it as soon as he shows up.

I’m going to risk speaking redundantly here, but I do so to make sure I am entirely understood: Do not give me any more pee tapes. They are gross to watch and embarrassing to possess. I have a job to do, and watching all these pee tapes should not be it. At least throw me a new camera angle or something.