I love Smash Bros as much as the next guy, but if the new game being made for the Nintendo Switch doesn’t include EVERY SINGLE ONE of these characters, then it is 100% going to be trash. Obviously, I’ll still buy a Switch so I can play it and find out. I actually own the Switch already but I’ll buy one that’s just for Smash Bros.

Anyway, here’s the list:

Goku

The Cast Of The Jersey Shore

Buster Bunny from Tiny Toons

A Pokémon Snap Station

All Sonic OC Characters

Goku

The Elusive Bigfoot

Claire Danes circa My So Called Life

Alex Jones

Eggplant Emoji

Steve Jobs Played By Ashton Kutcher

That alien robot Dr Wiley turns into

Berenstein Bears (alt skin for Berenstain Bears)

For some reason, a car

Young Jerry Seinfeld

Metta World Peace Knight

Ray Man

Billy Mays

The Mighty Sarlacc (playable character AND stage)

Waluigi (circumcised skin)

Arsenio Hall

Harambe

God

Goku

The End of Racism (we apologise in advance that this character cannot be selected)

Good Eats era & Cutthroat Kitchen era Alton Brown

Zelda from Pet Cemetery

Goku

Erectile Dysfunction Luigi

Sonic

Chad Muska from Tony Hawks Underground 1

Dave Grohl

Goku

Mads Mikkelsen and Hideo Kojima

M’Baku

Samurai Jack

Error from Legend of Zelda: Adventure of Link

None of the Joestars

The Crying Indian From Those Recycling Ads

Bugs Bunny Dressed as a Girl Bunny

Geriatric Luigi

FDR in a mech suit

Goku

Former Daily Show Host Craig Kilborn

Unlockable Character Silhouette

That glitch where you can see Samus naked if you shock her with pikachu and pause at the exact right time

Horny Single Women In Your Area Looking To Fuck

The Letter H

Goku

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer

A human centipede

Link with a Gun

Anthony Scaramucci

That Same Homeless Guy You Always See On Your Commute To Work

Walter White

The Illuminati

Goku

Jar Jar Binks

Drake’s father

Honey Smacks mascot

Hurricane Katrina

Noam Chomsky

He Hate Me

Solid Snake

Jessica Rabbit

Sheeva with four tits

Reunited R.E.M.

Senator Armstrong in a Red Baseball Cap

Barack Obama

Mrs. Game and Watch

The Person You Lost Your Virginity To

The nice guy at the deli who knows what you want before you order it which really helps to make your neighborhood feel like a community

Noctis Lucis Caelum

The Main Soldier and the Main Creature from Small Soldiers

Halo

The Italian BMT now $5 at Subway

Both of the Moms from Fresh Prince

Busty flower from conker’s bad fur day

Goku

Kenan Thompson

Final smash: NUNCHUCKS

Hitler, but Like, Not in an Offensive Way

Ty Pennington for Guaranteed Rates

Old AIM Account

G-String Samus

The Cast of The Breakfast Club

That One Gringotts Goblin That Borders On Anti-Semitism

Left paddle from pong

Mario But With Pancake Nipples

Unsold DVDs of the movie Pixels

The physical manifestation of the three-fifths compromise

Joe Valentino From Great Neck Nissan

Mike Ditka

Eddie Murphy

Eric Garland (final smash: Game Theory)

Pinky and the brain

Vectorman

Steve Buscemi

Jean Claude Van Damme’s Character From Bloodsport

Vice Reporter

Bob from Reboot

Wario without a skeleton

The 1989 New York Knicks

Zelda (the boy)

The White Guy In The Roots

Bananaman

Vacation Jason

Some Minor Character From Final Fantasy That Everyone Fuckin Loves For No Reason

Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism

The Boss Baby

The Paperclip From MS Word

Yung Linc

The General from those insurance commercials

The Baby Dinosaur From the Show Dinosaurs

Bob Ross’ 2″ Blender Brush

Goku

Master hand’s wacky cousin crazy foot

A Child Soldier (sad, right?)

The hand coming out of the toilet that needs toilet paper in Majoras Mask

might as well include van hammersly while we’re at it

The “do not blow” warning on the cartridge

Fleeting Happiness

Goku

Tetris Blocks

Afroman

Fox

Angry Sun from World 2 Desert in Super Mario Bros. 3

A fidget spinner

A Five String Fretless Bass

Ben Carson during REM sleep

Stephen King When He Was Addicted To Cocaine

Ridley

GAME GENIE

The entire polyphonic spree

Arwing That Just Keeps Doing A Barrel Roll

Rick & Morty From Rick & Morty

Whatever is Making That Weird Noise When You Hold Z as You Start Up Your Gamecube

A random baby

Lou Albano Mario

The housekeeper that always has to vacuum right in front of the TV while we’re playing

Kevin Smith in an ill fitting batman suit

Spock

Cooking Dada (alt costume for Cooking Mama)

Dad’s character stuck in a corner

Sean Penn

The Front Bottoms

Megan Fox’s Thumbs

Ruth Bader Ginsberg

The biggest, blackest dick

Seth McFarlane (skin for Todd McFarlane)

Robert Mueller

No Items

Lootbox

Splatoon

A Guy On a Segway

Brian Deegan

Broodals

Dune Sandworm (assist trophy)

Serpico

Only one ice climber

Yoshi

Andross’s Brain

Goku

Mary Sue

Dan Harmon

Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Dudley Moore

Pontius Pilate

Norm Abram of The New Yankee Workshop

Marc Maron (his moves are all just talking at you before you get a chance to do anything)

Clippy

Alt: Mario’s Mushroom Dealer

Kirk Van Houten’s representation of Dignity

Biker Mice From Mars

A Dusty Rock Band Drum Set

Goth from the Goth Rave Video

Wakko from Final Fantasy X

Phil Spencer in a blazer

Steven Tyler circa Permanent Vacation

Dr. McStuffins

My Uncle Who Works For Nintendo

Lorne Michaels

Wiimote

Anne Coulter’s Conscience

Maynard James Keenan

Friend’s N64 controller that’s sticky and you’re not sure why

Potsy from Happy Days

Jon Bon Jovi

Florida Man

Detective Pikachu With Danny Devito’s Voice

Not Goku

Dennis from It’s Always Sunny

Sakurai

Christopher Plummer

Tim The Toolman Taylor

Sex Fox (Robin Hood but we just call him sex fox)

John Waters

Bob the Tomato

Bayonetta, but it’s a person covered in bayonettes

The Kenyan Gundam from G Gundam

Berenstain Bears

Nick Rutherford from Good Neighbor Stuff a.k.a. the one who didn’t get on SNL

Jared Before The Weight Loss But After The Pedophilia

Stalin in a Mario Outfit

Archivist Toadette

Invisible John Cena

MechaSheeva

7/8 Nurse Joys

Goku

Some fine people on both sides

Louis Farrakhan

The /r/gaming Reddit Mod

A Cease and Desist Order From The Makers Of Tekken

A Monster from an Alesana or Bring Me the Horizon or whatever Shirt

A Baseball Player from the Baseball Episode of Samurai Champloo

Goku

The Justice League Snyder Cut

Kevin Nealon

Katt, the hot girl fox from Starfox 64

The Cast of Hamilton

IT

The Prophet Muhammad

The Avatar of Empty Nostalgia

The Realization That Your Parents Have Had Sex Before and They Could Be Doing It Right Now

RL Stine

Dan Hibiki

Nude Waluigi Wearing Only Sunglasses

The Noid

Emma Goldman in a mech suit

The Song “Accidental Racist”

Kramer

Bubsy

John Madden

Lawrence Krauss

Terry Gross

S-tier Pichu

Dana/Zuul

That fuckable rabbit from Space Jam

Eater X

Paul Blart

Sora

Modern Metallica

2 Suit Samus

Henry Rollins from the Def Jam video game

Goku

The Cast Of Pawn Stars

Goku

Bowser and Peach’s Horrific Love Child

Pepsiman

Temba, his arms wide

A refurbished Wii U

Young Sheldon

Blue from blues clues

The Ever-Changing Concept of American Whiteness

Goku

Action Bronson

Scorpius from Farscape

Masturbating Louis CK

Todd Mcfarlane

George Lucas

Manic Charlie Sheen

A BOSS Metal Zone

Ice climbers fused with pichu

Spike from Cowboy Bebop

Every Wu-Tang Clan Member Except U-God

Due Process

American Badass Undertaker

Agumon

Reba as Colonel Sanders

Master Chief

Mario Lopez

Fat Bam Margera

Parker from Gold Rush Alaska

Helen from HR

Goku

Executive Producer Dick Wolf

Carey Elwes ‘The Claw’ from Liar Liar the Jim Carrey Movie

Paul Ryan’s Spine

Goomba Who Has Been Training All His Life To Avenge His Squished Parents

Drunk Tony Stark

Elliott Ness

Scott Ian

Michael Vick

Farm Raised Pikachu

HR Giger

Porgs

Dante and Randall

Goku

The Last Samurai

The FBI

Goku

Flavor Flav’s Clock

The Pod Save America Crew

The Italian Aliens from Star Wars The Last Jedi

Tom Holland Spider-Man

Goku

Abobo

Jill Stein

Vince McMahon

An Inanimate, Empty Tanooki Suit

John Carpenter

Waluigi’s Foreskin

Death Grips

Wakka

Mansplainer

Mario on Wrong Kind of Mushrooms

Chicago Police Officer’s Mustache

Michael Jordan

The Dude Who Milks The Cow in the 1 2 Switch commercial

My Waifu

Loot Boxes

the personification of your uncle’s racist anti-Obama rant

Time’s Person of The Year: You

Mario, But After He Divorces Princess Peach And Gains 30 Pounds

Common

Naked Raiden from MGS

Ernest P Worrell

Young Shia LeBeouf

Missingno

Violent J

Lionel Hutz

Biggie

Ghost Pepper Hot Wings

King Eeeeee

Paul Rudd in that Nintendo commercial

Ayatollah Khomeini

Garfunkle

Goku

Billy Mitchell

The Beastie Boys

Anita Sarkeesian

Edd, but not Ed or Eddy

The pinching your face guy from Kids In The Hall

Nintendog the Bounty Hunter

Goku

Dave, but his mom grounded him from video games for a month

Cooking Mama

Shia LeBoef

Leisure Suit Larry

Goku

Steven

Hard Tim

Fred Durst with red hat!

The Broken iPod I’m Too Nostalgic To Get Rid Of

Seasonal Affective Disorder

The Demiurge

Tupac Hologram

Metal King Dedede

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

Odysseus

Fabio when a bird died on his face

Watto and Jar Jar (Plays Like The Ice Climbers)

Crying Jimmy Kimmel

The Nasonex Bee

Racist Black Caricatures That Japanese People Don’t Realize are Super Offensive

Dinkie Dino (Mom bought instead of Tamagotchi)

Silk Button-Up Shirt Of Anime Character

Goku

Barron Trump

Goku

PUP

Goku

The old racist Jynx

Tomi Lahren

Member Berries

Beat Takeshi

Nude code Lara Croft

A Rabid Nintendog

90s Kid

Jew

Cappy

Slender Man (Obese Version)

Gordon Ramsey

Mikey Erg

Kylo Ren including nipples

WrestleMania 2000 Steve Blackman

Tuxedo Mask

Boner from Growing Pains

Gallagher (King Dedede alternate costume)

The Teacher You Accidentally Called Mom in Third Grade

Bob Villa

Quentin Tarantino’s Character ‘Jimmy’ from Pump Fiction

Hallucinogen Dealer Who Hangs out at the Same Coffee Shop as All Your Town’s Teens

Bob Hoskins Samus

Only 90s Kids

Malcolm Gladwell (unlocked after 10,000 hours of gameplay)

Literally every Pokemon ever

Trump’s twitter password

The Duplass Brothers

Any Of The Well-Received Minority Superheroes Released By Marvel

Pregnant Luigi

The Coach from Punchout

Kirby But With Asthma

The 3rd, 7th, and 10th Doctor Who

Darth Insanius

Animal Crossing’s Serial Public Masturbator

Mac Tonight

Tommy Wiseau

Yoshi Getting Punched in the Head by Mario

Slavoj Žižek

Mel Gibson before all that

Darth Icky

Lando Calrissian

Charles Nelson Riley

Dr. Zaius

Hard Times Managing Editor Bill Conway

Del Close

Raspberry Pi Emulator Running SNES Games

Bowser’s Contractor

Jonah Ryan

Pizza Rat

Cake Boss

Breath of the Wild Link

Chris Gaines

The whole team from Major League 2

Wawaluigi

Doom Guy

A bucket of human teeth

Red

Blood Falcon

Wilson from Castaway

Checkered Vans from Middle School

Tobias Funke

Tim Armstrong

Embarrassing Walk-to-Work Sweat

The Property Brothers

Ms. Carpal tunnel

Jeff Rosenstock

Goku

Laughing Alexa

Rain Man

A Large, Silent, Orange

Goku

Mew One-and-a-Half

Jenny Lewis reprising her role from The Wizard

Crazy Hand

Anthony “Sully” Sullivan

North Korea (new stage)

All the girls from Mambo #5

Stanley Ipkiss

John Legiuzamo’s Character from “The Pest”

A room temperature glass of tap water

Pac-Man but as a Mii

Mark Zuckerberg

The kid banished to Hell at the end of the Crossfire commercial

Glenn Danzig

Collin Kaepernick Kneeling for the National Anthem

A Stale End Piece of Bread That No One Wants to Eat

Mario’s mustache

Mario in that green boot from Mario 3

Ike Eisenhower

King Bob-omb

Emotional labor

Max Headroom

Goku

Dwight Schrute

Mario

Toad’s Hat and You Can’t Convince Me Otherwise

OB/GYN Mario

Dale Gribble with Pocket Sand

Birdo

The Creeping Realisation That Your Parents Will Eventually Die

Elon Musk

Madcatz Controller

An AR-15 assault rifle

Pickle Rick

Shitty Roommate

Mr Game and Watch

Oddjob

Goku

Corpse of Billy Mays

Shigeru Miyamotos Niece

The Corpse Of Glass Joe

[Ice Climbers confirmed NOT in Smash 5]

CATS From All Your Base Are Belong To Us! LOL, Remember That?!

Unconditional Love

A horse

Donkey Lips From Salute Your Shorts

Goku

Pablo Sanchez

Goku

Tails

Wayne Brady

Union Scab

Captain Falcon

The turtle from Zelda but with Mitch McConnel’s head

The Next Cloverfield Movie

Middle Schooler in a Naruto Sand Village Headband

Swedish Chef

Tupac

The Receipt You Never Found to Return That N64DD

Acid Reflux

Ganondorf but like similar to the way he is in the fucking Zelda series

Seven Fire Emblem Reskins

“Slow Hand” Eric Clapton

Sonic OC

Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray

Entire Lineup of LA Kings From NHL ’95 For The Sega Genesis

A Guy With Three Hands Holding an N64 Controller

The Next Porn Star Who Tries To Become A Mainstream Actress

George Soros

Jazz Hand

Gratuitous Girl In A Thong

My Dad

Spumpy

Musical Guest Janelle Monae

Brian Michael Bendis

Arthur from the cartoon Arthur

Those Creatures That Look Like Dicks You Made In Spore

Hypothermic Ice Climbers

A Virtual Boy

Shovel Knight

Mama Luigi

Fi

Flex Armstrong

Toon Snake

Crystal Clear Pepsi

June 1998 Copy of Nintendo Power

Uwe boll looking for a new movie idea

NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch

Wii Fit Slacker

Larry the Cucumber

Calvin Peeing on SEGA

The band Save Ferris

Fine, Sub-Zero, Stop E-mailing Us

Dwayne Hector Elizando Mountain Dew Camacho

Zergling

Rupert Murdoch

A NYPD Officer who nods at you when he sees your Cro Mags shirt

Garth Brooks & Chris Gaines

Internet Communist

Captain Clickbait

Fortnite

Lucina (Marth skin)

Jared Leto’s Joker

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration

All the sexy hedgehog drawings from Deviant Art

EA’s Integrity

Dr Cube from Kaiju Big Battel

Bobby Flay

Michael Cera as Player X (alt skin: Tobey Maguire)

The Underwear Model From A Kohl’s Ad

That Guy At Your Local Restaurant That Says “The Usual?” When You Come In

The Dam Level From Ninja Turtles

Pregnant DeviantArt Sonic

Mecha King Ghidorah

X-Man

Raekwon the Master Chef Jr.

A misunderstood nazi

Samuel L. Jackson Screaming

Sonichu

Jake Lloyd (young anakin skywalker)

Rash from Battletoads

K̶e̶v̶i̶n̶ ̶S̶p̶a̶c̶e̶y̶ Christopher Plummer again

Mom’s Spaghetti

George W Bush from “Bush Shootout” (George W Bush skin)

Method Man

The Crash Bandicoot suit guy from the Pizza Hut commercials

The ghost of Roger Ebert, who still insists video games aren’t art

Norman Reedus

Puff Daddy

Goku

Vegan Bowser

That Kid That Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man Make After They Fuck Each Other

Green Boots (Dead Body On Everest)

The old man from Zelda

Waluigi

Bizmarckie

Blink-182 Era Matt Skiba

Logan Paul

Rocky Balboa

The Pixelated Penis In Japanese Porn

Uganda knuckles

Dr. Robotnik (replacing Dr. Mario)

Joey from Joey’s World Tour

Ernest from the Ernest movies

The Racist Guy In the Movie “42”

The Poems from doki doki

Buzz Lightyear

Drunken Step-Father

Alt-Right Wario

That Orca Character From Street Sharks

The 1972 New York Yankees

Ted Cruz With That Gun That Cooked Bacon

The Merchant from Resident Evil 4

Fat Suit Weird Al

Goku

Saibamen

Divorced Ice Climbers

Cap’n Crunch

My Older Brother Who Will Totally Kick Your Ass!

Ziggy from The Wire

Koji Kondo

The all new 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee

Misfits-Era Glenn Danzig

Nizoral anti-dandruff fungus targeting shampoo

Stan from Eminem’s “Stan”

The Pizza Delivery Guy Who Doesn’t Judge

Mike Myers and Kanye West

501st Legion Clone Trooper

Nerfed Pichu

Midlife Crisis Mario

The Verizon commercial guy who now works for Sprint or something

Kung Lao but with Cappy

Felix Biederman from Chapo Trap House

The C Stick

Mayor McCheese

Ol’ Dirty Bastard (as Big Baby Jesus)

Ajit Pai

Chad Kroeger (his super smash summons Scott Stapp)

Alan Thompson Jr. from the Whole Foods Front Register in White Plains, New York

A Catcalling Construction Worker

Lizard Person (skin for Barack Obama)

Black Panther and if you don’t pick him we’re telling everyone you didn’t like Black Panther

Jack Black

Aunt Beru

That one guy who still talks about gamergate

Solid Snake’s Cardboard Box with a Labo Logo

Bob Hoskins Mario

Polybius Arcade Cabinet

Nora Roberts

Shrek

Duke Nukem

Arthur from the movie Arthur starring Russell Brand

Gandhi

Bill Maher Just Alternating Between Saying “Invisible Man In The Sky” and “The N-Word”

FBI Agent Michael Scarn

Tony Soprano

An original press Project X Straight Edge Revenge

Siri

Navi

Illegitimate Bowser Jr.

Nintendog

Freddy Krueger but when he’s the giant snake thing in Dream Warriors

Henry Winkler

Master Chef

Palette-swapped Clones of All of the Above

75 Interchangeable Fire Emblem Characters

King K Rool

Lanky Kong

The 7 Up Dot

Joe Camel