If the RIAA were a common street thug, here’s how things would go. It would jump an innocent old lady, stomp her within an inch of her life, and then, when she screamed for mercy, it would file a motion asking the nearest court to sanction her for wasting its time.

Seriously, you ain’t gonna believe this shizzle:

The Recording Industry Association of America is declaring attorney-blogger Ray Beckerman a “vexatious” litigator. The association is seeking unspecified monetary sanctions to punish him in his defense of a New York woman accused of making copyrighted music available on the Kazaa file sharing system. The RIAA said Beckerman, one of the nation’s few attorneys who defends accused file sharers, “has maintained an anti-recording industry blog during the course of this case and has consistently posted virtually every one of his baseless motions on his blog seeking to bolster his public relations campaign and embarrass plaintiffs,” the RIAA wrote (.pdf) in court briefs. “Such vexatious conduct demeans the integrity of these judicial proceedings and warrants this imposition of sanctions.”

Another defense attorney notes that “the RIAA’s motion comes from the same organization that has sued about 30,000 people over the last five years for file sharing, some of them falsely. It’s the same organization, he said, that has sued dead people, the elderly and even children — all while using unlicensed investigators.”

Maybe I’m just failing to understand what the RIAA means by “vexatious.” I mean, I’m not an overglorified ambulance chaser or anything. But if I were being sued for file sharing – especially if I hadn’t done it – and they were asking for $150,000 per track, then I might indeed be a little vexed. But I don’t think that’s what they mean.

So today, Scholars and Rogues salutes you, Mr. RIAA Lawyer, for doing all in your power to suck the soul completely out of America, reducing it to an artistic ghost town where all the CDs are by Avril Lavigne and all the radio stations are programmed in a suite in downtown Los Angeles by men in Armani suits bragging about their backstage passes to see Celine Dion.

As a great American once said, “suck it.” And Mr. Beckerman, you have our full support – may your opponents drown in a sea of frivolous motions.

Finally, on a related note, Metallica’s career is now officially over.

Thanks to Rho for the story tip and fikshun for the pic.