Mat Honan (Flickr) via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Family and Friends,

We’ve received a number of questions about our wedding plans, so we put together this quick Q&A to help you out. We don’t want anyone to swim up to the wrong desert island, so please give this a careful read.

Q. The invitation just said “August” and didn’t mention an exact date. When is the wedding?

A. Haha— that’s part of the fun! Given how infrequently boats leave from the nearest major port, we’re not exactly sure when we’ll all be able to arrive. Our plan is to start camping out at the dockside on Thursday the 1st, and as soon as there are enough kayaks to shuttle us all over, we’ll get the festivities started.

Q. Okay, but when exactly is the ceremony itself? I can’t take more than a few days off of work.

A. Of course you can — isn’t our celebration worth a month of your life? We didn’t want to drag everyone to the middle of the ocean for just a three-day wedding with a brunch, four ceremonies, and six changes of clothing. Instead, we thought we’d put our own unique twist on things. We’ll be starting with a rehearsal dinner, then a picnic and tug-of-war on the beach, a Habitat For Humanity beach house construction project, a hike into the woods, pictures, the actual ceremony, more pictures, a mandatory skydive, another rehearsal dinner, and then a week-long survival competition with only a bag of rice and two trays of mini-cheeseburgers for sustenance. Just carve out all of August… and maybe the first week of September. It’ll be great!

Q. Did you say mandatory skydive?

A. I shouldn’t spoil the surprise, but… yes! Since the two of us met on an airplane, we thought it would make sense to have everyone jump from 30,000 feet in the air. And since our second date was on a boat, we’ll be landing in the ocean. Don’t worry — if your invitation has a red mark on the back, you get a parachute.

Q. The invitation didn’t say if I could bring a guest. I hate to ask, but a month on an island by myself seems pretty lonely. Can my fiancé come too?

A. We’re really sorry — we had to limit the guest list because the island is only 200 feet long. There are even some married couples of whom we’ve only invited the half we like better. You should actually feel lucky we’re letting you come to the real island where the wedding is happening — some people only got an invitation to the simulcast, on the next island over. (That other island doesn’t even have WiFi.)

Q. I’m trying to watch my budget. What’s the most cost-effective way to get to the island?

A. There is no cost-effective way to get there. We’re recommending you fly to the closest airport, take a six-hour train ride, then a shuttle bus, a swim across a small sea, and another shuttle bus. Then we wait for the kayaks to help us finish the journey. But if the buses are too expensive, you can always walk — I’d leave an extra few weeks, though. And be sure to bring sunscreen.

Q. This seems a little excessive. I’m really not sure I can make it. Will you hate me if I don’t come?

A. We totally understand… but, yes, we will kind of hate you if you don’t come. After all, aren’t we friends? And don’t friends make sacrifices for each other? And we probably came to your wedding, unless it was the same weekend as something more interesting, or we had to work, or there was a new episode of Mad Men. All we’re asking for is a month of your time, a few thousand dollars, and a nice gift. If you think that’s excessive… then I guess you didn’t come to my Sweet Sixteen.

Q. Wait, you’re expecting a gift in addition to all of these travel expenses? Aren’t you supposed to say that our presence alone is the only gift you need?

A. I don’t know — are we supposed to say that? We’ve never heard that before. Sure, maybe there’s no law saying you have to give us a gift, but there’s also no law saying we have to give you a seat for dinner. We’re registered at a whole bunch of stores, for items at a wide range of price levels. You can get us kitchen appliances that are nicer than yours or bed linens that are nicer than yours, or help us pay for a honeymoon orders of magnitude nicer than yours. It’s up to you.

Q. Am I just asking for trouble if I inquire about the dress code? I’ve never been to an island wedding before.

A. Don’t worry, it’s casual. Well, the first day is casual. Then it ramps up to business casual, business formal, black-tie, white-tie, swimsuit, spacesuit, birthday suit, and on the last day we’ll be making our own clothes from the trees you’ll be chopping down to build us our wedding night shelter. That’s one of the awesome island traditions we’ll be following. Another is that whomever finishes last in the foot race gets fed to a shark.

Q. Do I need any vaccines?

A. For the island, no. But if you’re planning on hooking up with any of our other friends, we recommend you get immunized against HPV.

Q. Is there a vegetarian meal option?

A. Of course not.

Q. Am I guaranteed to come back alive?

A. Nope.

Q. Look, after reading all of this, and giving it some careful thought, I’m not going to be able to make it. I suppose I hope we can still be friends, but, honestly, I don’t even know. I wish you would have decided to have a simple wedding, in an easy-to-get-to location, where I could wear clothes I already own.

A. Come on, we did that the first three times we married each other — and look how long those lasted. So we figured we’d try something different and hope we can at least make it to a year this time. Besides, we thought about doing it at home, but we’re both in violation of parole, so we can’t technically get a marriage license without flagging something in the computer and ending up back in prison again… it’s just easier this way… and the cake is going to be amazing — we just had our tasting yesterday. We’re even planning on letting our guests all share a slice if there’s anything left on our plates. Anyway, we know you’ll reconsider — especially after you check your credit card statement and realize we already booked your trip. See you soon!