It’s Not My Job to Explain the Intricacies of Doom Metal but After I Fix Your Muffler I Will

I am not standing here in the garage of a Pep Boys because it’s my job to inform you about why Doom Metal is the greatest form of music. I’m standing here in my uniform, covered in grease, because you are paying me to fix your muffler. But rest assured, I will teach you all about the God-tier genre that is Doom Metal the moment I am finished.

Be patient.

Wow, you’re really gonna make me do it aren’t you? I know what you’re doing- standing there, looking in your phone all smug. Like you’re not subtly begging, borderline demanding, me to point out that, while Doom Metal sounds like simple drawn out tones, it is carefully crafted to inspire feelings of dread and fear in the listener.

Just let me do my job! Which, to reiterate, is fixing your muffler. Afterwards, I’ll convince you that you need new air filters even though you don’t and THEN I will grace you with the knowledge that only comes from devoting thousands of hours to listening and analyzing Doom Metal songs moment by moment in all their detuned glory.

No, your car is not ready yet! It would probably be ready by now if you let me finish working on it instead of silently asking me all these questions about Doom Metal. I can tell by the way you’re sitting in that waiting room chair that you’re a metal laymen who thinks Doom Metal has no established musical roots. I’ll have you know the genre is based off of early Black Sabbath- the root of ALL metal, probably.

Stop distracting me!

There you go again, scratching your nose all like, “Oh all doom metal sounds the same. Meh.” You sound so ignorant. I refuse to cave in to your demand for my emotional labor and I will NOT educate you about how Doom Metal uses blues scales seldom found in metal and that the bass and guitar tones are directly influenced by Phil Spector’s legendary ‘wall of sound’ production style. I refuse!

That’s it, I am not even going to look at you. I can’t fix your 2018 Accord if you’ve got me so distracted with your unquenchable desire to hear me talk at you about Doom Metal.

Oh wait, you had the 2012 Civic? Shit dude, sorry. Your car’s been ready for like an hour.