Actual signs

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY

PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN





Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE

50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG

20p DO-IT-YOURSELF





In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT

AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD





Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?





Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.

IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED...

OPEN TOMORROW.





Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH:

IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO





Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND.

ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.

BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.....





Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR

MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF..





Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS...

YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS





Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS





Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR





Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,

THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR





Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES





Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS





Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)





Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT