There were several reasons I held off from writing a blog during the bye week. One was so that I could maintain a semblance of a social life (by social life I really just mean binge drinking and rooting for all my friend’s fantasy football teams to do horribly), and in the past week I was able to convince a girl from the thousands of online dating apps I possess to grab a drink with me during the week. It went well. Don’t worry I’ll end up blowing it the second she reads this sentence. Another reason was that there was no way I could write a whole blog on the University of Washington. This team is historically bad and I would have had to scrap the bottom of the barrel for insulting material until I got to the point where I am making fun of Starbucks and 90’s grunge music. Finally, I had a feeling that our rivals would embarrass themselves on Saturday. Boy, I was right.

ASU bounced back after we embarrassed them more than their average student taking the SAT by pitchforking the Bruins in the Rose Bowl. Apparently we aren’t the only team in Los Angeles with defensive woes.

ASU ran through UCLA easier than Lane Kiffin ran through every Alabama booster’s wife (allegedly). ASU also discovered that when you pressure a true freshman quarterback like the Nosen One, he will tend to make more mistakes than a 19-year-old sorority girl who just broke up with her high school boyfriend. Someone remind Wilcox of that when he’s prepping for the crosstown rivalry game.

Even Su’a is getting in on the roasting. ASU beat UCLA by 15 and USC beat ASU by 28 so by my calculations USC will beat UCLA by 43. For those of you reading from Tempe, I did that by adding the 15 and 28 together.

Notre Dame’s late fourth quarter comeback came up short as they failed to convert the two point conversion to tie the game. Man, Notre Dame and the goal line don’t get along. Bush push anyone?!

Bring Your Own Guts sounds like a 90’s Nickelodeon game show in which the losing team ends up getting slimed. I love it. Honestly, I don’t care if the Trojans win the championship this year, I want Dabo at the helm next season. Don’t care about Chip Kelly and his revolutionary 1-3 offense anymore. Give Dabo a blank check, and one way ticket to LAX. Maybe throw in a dream and cardigan.

Northwestern is undefeated and busting out all the moves. I never knew Sunshine from Remember the Titans could break it down like this. I guess Northwestern figured if they wanted to try to form a union so that they can get paid to be student athletes they actually had to be a half decent team. I won’t consider them a legitimate athletic program until their basketball team can finally make the NCAA tournament. After that, maybe we can talk about an increase in student stipends. Nonetheless their success makes the Stanford loss not look as bad as it did before. It still hurts. A lot. Fuck Stanford.

The bye week swung perfectly for USC. Our one loss does not look as bad as it did before and both our rivals lost in upsetting fashion. And for those who say UCLA and Notre Dame losing is bad for the Trojans because it weakens the strength of schedule, you really don’t understand how this whole college football playoff thing works. Both teams could lose out and it wouldn’t matter. As long as USC wins their conference with one loss then we will be competing for the National Championship. Good news – we already have the one loss so we are half way there.

Game Recap

This week’s highlight video is special. It actually includes DEFENSIVE PLAYS!

The Good

Guess they realized how far their degrees are going to get them in life.

I guess Justin Wilcox found the missing page in his playbook that had all the blitzes and pressures on it, because instead of sitting back and trying to contain the ASU playmakers, the Trojans attacked and forced mistakes. This should come as a shocker to no one, it worked.

Who knew pressuring a young and inexperienced QB would lead him to make mistakes. A steady pass rush lead to Mike Bercovici’s lowest passer rating as a starter.

“We came out here with a vengeance to get the ball out” – Chris Hawkins

Turnovers were the emphasis of the game plan for ASU. The Trojans forced 1 interception and three fumbles, one of which was a long scoop and score that lead to a 14-point swing and basically ended the game before halftime.

Then the next fumble on one of the stupidest plays in kickoff return history literally ended the game before half time. If USC can continue to play like a real defense instead of 11 scarecrows placed randomly on the field, then the ASU game will be more of the rule than the exception.

*Notorious B.I.G voice* Adoree’, Adoree’, can’t you see sometimes you jukes just hypnotize me. Okay, never doing that again. Adoree’ “Sweat Pea” Jackson had 184 all-purpose yards, including an 80 yard screen pass touchdown.

Honestly, this play should be illegal. Adoree’ runs down the field more effortlessly than an average student runs through the ASU curriculum. Jackson only had three touches on offense and two touches on special teams but was the difference in this game. That is the effect he can have on this team.

Adoree’ is more unstoppable than that create-a-player of yourself you made in 8th grade (you’re not 6’5’’, 225 lb. and have 99 speed). He should absolutely be receiving more touches on offense. The problem with that is it could wear him out which could lead to an injury or poor play due to exhaustion. A counterpoint is that Jackson is trying out for the OLYMPICS this summer in track and field. He is probably is conditioned enough for a couple extra plays on offense. And if Adoree’ is really on a pitch count, you just need to start the game off with a couple of those swing passes so the game is over by the second quarter.

The other Heisman candidate on the team, Cody Kessler, had another phenomenal game. With ASU focusing on stopping the run, Kessler was able to throw for 375 yards and five touchdowns (295 yards and four touchdowns in the first half) With his performance against the Sun Devils, Kessler moved to third all-time on the school list with 74 touchdowns and fifth all time with 642 completions. The Trojans averaged 11.1 yards per pass attempt, as well as had 9 plays of 20 yards or more. Having some pity for the ASU defense, Kessler showed that he was human throwing his first interception of the year.

The Trojan Offense converted 10 of 16 third downs allowing us to move from 117th to 40th in third down completion percentage. Now we are in the same tier as teams like Virginia and Tennessee!

The Bad

USC committed more violations than a new resident of Los Angeles trying to park. The Trojans had 10 penalties for 92 yards. Several of these flags halted offensive drives.

Coming into this year, the offensive line was supposed to be one of the strongest parts of this Trojan team with four returning starters, but their performance has been lackluster so far. 6 of the 10 penalties versus ASU came from the offensive line. They also gave up two sacks, one of which lead to a fumble. If there is anyone to blame, most people would point their fingers at first year Offensive Line Coach, Bob Connelly. Sorry Bob, but got to put the blame all on you and not the experienced players with their immense talent. Just like in the business world; last one hired, first one fired.

Running Back University turn into Running Back Community College with only 76 yards rushing (54 yards in the fourth quarter to run out the clock). This leaves USC with a dilemma on what is their true offensive identity: are they a run first team or a pass first team? Or does none of this matter because both are effective and seemingly unstoppable, even when you opponent’s game plan is to stop it.

The Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

Since Pete Carroll came to the Pac-12 only three teams have won the conference (Oregon, Stanford, and USC). With a loss from UCLA, and two undefeated teams (Utah and Cal) playing each other this weekend, the Pac-12 South is as wide open as Dwight Howard standing outside the key.

The Hypotheticals remain the same as before; we win out, we make the playoff. Although we have a little bit more breathing room. We could get away with two losses if we still win the Pac-12 championship, but it could lead us to be the last one out of the playoff when the SEC finds a way to overrate themselves in. Let’s avoid that scenario. Let’s just win out.

Sark-O-Meter

Each week I will track Steve Sarkisian performance in order to determine whether or not he will be looking for work next year. (Inspired by @PFTCommenter’s Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter)

Check out the hops on Sark. Can barely fit a credit card between him and the ground. Despite that, he still might be able to play point guard for the Trojans this winter. But in all seriousness, if he was jumping any lower, he’d be putting divots into the turf.

Sark was perspiring so much during this game you don’t know if he’s going thru alcohol withdrawals or just had the tequila sweats. Just kidding, I don’t want to get sued. He was drenched because it was 107 degrees at the 7 pm kickoff. Sounds like a fun state to live in.

This victory makes the first win in Tempe since 2009 and Sark’s first victory over Todd Graham as a head coach. God that’s depressing.

“The natural assumption was, “The sky was falling – what’s wrong with us” “There was a really a cool, calm focused team that was ready to go play” – Sark

Sark was able to rally the troops and collect a solid road win against a strong Pac-12 opponent. The “USC is back” talk came to abrupt halt after the loss to Stanford. Another thing that came to abrupt halt after our loss was this blog’s viewership. Down 400%. Page views fell harder than Volkswagen’s stock price. Either I’m a terrible writer or USC fans are bandwagoners. I’m leaning towards both.

After this win, the USC hype train is slowly being put back on the track.

The Sark-O-Meter is at a 5. This will be the first time Sark will be playing his former team. Sark left Washington in an interesting way, assuring his players and the fan base he was staying hours before accepting the USC job. With him and Kiffin, USC sure is establishing a tradition of having coaches join our program in less than respectable manners. The next coach we hire will probably leave his team during halftime.

Our Opponent

The Team: Washington Huskies

The Huskies are the little brothers of the Pac-12. Try as they might they are still sitting at the kid’s table during Thanksgiving. The Huskies are the only team in Pac-12 history to go 0-12. Their fan base is delusional with the older generations holding the same arrogance as USC without any of the accolades to more recently, when students they thought Jake Locker was going to win the Heisman his senior year. Ironically he now has been replaced by an Pac-12 quarterback that actually won the Heisman trophy.

Now I will give the Huskies credit for trolling of Lane Kiffin when he stopped by Washington for College Gameday to give his analysis of Huskies’ upcoming game against Oregon. It should be noted this was a couple of weeks after Kiffin was left at the airport like the luggage of a man who used one too many free drink vouchers on his Southwest flight.

It seems like the goal of any student that attends the University of Washington is to get a four-year degree in business or communications before accepting a job offer at Amazon and crying at their desk for the next 10 years because you can’t figure out how to increase Prime subscriptions.

The City: Seattle

“Seattle is just San Francisco Lite with more rain, morbid depression and meth. Before the Seahawks beat us (49ers), the only exciting thing people in Seattle did was masturbate to Shawn Kemp highlight tapes while chugging cough syrup” – Legend Michael Harris

If you ever want to piss off someone from Seattle just ask them how the Sonics are doing or pull up a YouTube video of Malcom Butler’s interception in the Super Bowl. You can also tell them Russell Wilson isn’t a top 10 quarterback or that the Mariners haven’t been watchable since Ken Griffey Jr. left in 1999. The city should have just packed up before the millennium. Their two greatest exports right now are the Seattle Seahawks and world-renowned 9/11 truther Macklemore.

I think we all wish he would MackleLESS. You are famous for being the second loudest fans (thanks Chiefs) in football, but don’t realize that spending hundreds of dollars to lose your voice while millionaires pummel each other’s brains isn’t something to be proud of. But fly that 12th man flag. Just don’t forget to pay Texas A&M for your right to use it.

Team Record: 2-2

The Huskies have picked up their two wins against Sacramento State and Utah State. If going to those schools isn’t embarrassing enough.

Series Record: 50-28-4

If it wasn’t for Sark’s tenure at Washington, USC would have an 11 game winning streak against the Huskies. I really hope that wasn’t the reason we hired him.

Coach: Chris Petersen

Both Sark and Petersen have been rather underachieving and unimpressive since taking their new coaching positions. Sark is 12-5 while Petersen is 10-8.

When Sark fled Washington for USC, Petersen, formerly or Boise State, took the opportunity to get the hell out of Idaho. I’m going to have to send someone in that state a potato peeler with the amount of bashing I’ve done in the past couple of posts. Invariably, Petersen will face the same fate as the guy he replaced at Boise State, Dan Hawkins. If you remember, Hawkins bolted out of Boise for another dormant (then Big 12 at the time) Pac 12 program who I am pumped to troll in a few weeks, CU-Boulder. Eventually the mediocre folks at UW will get sick of Petersen’s inability to strike any life into this program, and he will be kicked to the curb begging for his job back at Boise State. He will fail to do so, and will probably end up coaching some awful Mountain West (is that still a conference?) team, clinging to his memories of 2007 when he led Boise State passed Oklahoma with an insane Statue of Liberty play to win the Fiesta Bowl.

This will not be the first game between the two. They first faced off in the 2012 Las Vegas Bowl, a bowl known only for the fact that it gives validation for students and alum to go to Vegas and lose all their money on the craps tables, tickets to see a Swedish guy press play on his computer and overpriced bottle service that helped them get “so close to hooking up with that chick.”. Petersen won 28-26 on a late field goal but the first game the following season, Sark and the Huskies got retribution with a 38-6 blowout.

While both coaches have their flaws, they are both very good after a bye week. Petersen is 19-2 after a bye week, but it should be noted that the two loses were not after byes but after layoffs for bowl games. Sark is 10-3 following byes. So I guess we will find out which coach is better when given an extra week.

Notable Players: Naijiel Hale

Washington trying to emulate UCLA’s street cred of recruiting Diddy’s son and Snoop Dogg’s son to play for the Bruins, recruited Nate Dogg’s son. If comparing rappers, I’d say they got the best one. Nothing beats a Nate Dogg hook. R.I.P.

It should be noted that none of these players will see the field this year as Snoop Dogg’s son quit to pursue acting, Nate Dogg’s son was dismissed from the team for disciplinary reasons, and Diddy’s son just plain sucks at football.

Defense:

Washington’s defense is ranked 22nd nationally, only giving up 105 rushing yards per game. They have yet to allow a team to rush for better than 3.5 yards per carry. They held Cal’s high powered offense to their lowest point total this year at 30. Really can’t wait for Cal to end up 5-4 by week 10 so people can stop talking about Jared Goff as a Heisman candidate, and pretending that this team is any good.

The defense is led by Azeem Victor, which is worth a ton of points in Scrabble.

Offense:

Again trying to imitate UCLA, the Huskies are led by true freshman QB Jake Browning. Browning doesn’t have as much hype as UCLA’s Josh Rosen. In fact he has no hype. Only reason I knew his name is because one of my friend pointed out that he peaked in high school by throwing the most touchdowns for a season in California history.

Special Teams:

Adoree’ just run one back. You’re due

What’s the Line (-17)

Record: 1-3

USC has struggled as much on Thursday nights as a fraternity house throwing a theme party without a B&B with a sorority beforehand (I know this struggle all too well). Last year, Cal mounted a comeback late in the second half but lost by 8 in the end. In 2013, Arizona did the same, coming within seven. In 2012, USC battled with Utah before pulling away in the fourth to win by ten. And then there was the 2008 incident in Corvalis.

Unrelated, a Thursday night football game in Los Angeles may be up there as one of the stupidest ideas ever. Let’s plan a game during the worst time and day for traffic in the most congested city in America. Also let’s make sure it’s at a school that primarily tailgates on their campus so they won’t be able to pregame.

USC has struggled on Thursday nights, and the lack of fans and enthusiasm (being drunk) will limit any home field advantage. Take Washington with the points.

Prediction

There are a lot of wrinkles to this game that will make it very interesting. There we be the drama of Washington players facing the coach that recruited them, and the Trojans attempting to not look ahead towards South Bend and Utah in the upcoming weeks. USC’s high powered offense will meet a defense that shown it can stop the run. Will USC’s defense keep up the pressure and turnover mentality or will Wilcox adjust his way back to his old conservative self. He second guesses himself more than myself when I’m trying to text a girl. Is it too long? Do I use a couple of emojis at the end? What time should I send it?

None of this will matter in the end because we have Adoree’ and they don’t.

USC 31 UW 17

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Sam, and Tommy

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places