It’s that time of year, when players stop what they’re doing and take promotional pictures in front of a blank screen! You might not think this is exciting. And, okay, fine, you’re probably right. But it’s exciting to me, dang it. I really get into this stuff. The Giants gave us a fine crop this year.

The pictures are often engaging and amusing, sure. But they also teach us lessons. About baseball. About the individual players. About life, man. And with that, I would like to share with you the lessons I’ve learned from the Giants’ 2017 photo day.

Buster Posey is a character in the dream sequence of a Coen Bros. movie

There were two of these pictures, and both of them freaked me out. The heroic, cherubic mirth was replaced with a lingering malaise and disillusionment. Dammit, bring back the heroic and cherubic mirth.

Oh, and the stoic resolve. All of that is very important to this team.

Mark Melancon was bitten by a spider, and now he is frozen in the venom-gnarled prison that is his own body. Please help Mark Melancon.

That heat lamp will keep him warm, but you’ll have to hurry. There isn’t much time.

Matt Moore doesn’t even have the best eyebrows in the organization

We all know that Matt Moore has fantastic eyebrows.

Those eyebrows are a cross between Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows and two slices of tiramisu, and they should have been the best Giants eyebrows any of us would see for two decades.

Should have been.

This is Aramis Garcia.

Mercy. We have a new champ.

A true 80 grade. There is no other possible grade. Aramis Garcia has out-eyebrowed Matt Moore, and I didn’t think it was possible.

I need to take a break for a bit.

Jeff Samardzija still looks like a cross between Tim Lincecum and Randy Johnson

I will continue making this comparison until every single one of you emails me to confirm you’ve understood the implications of this, and that you agree with the visual analysis.

Brandon Crawford needs to stop it

Dude, come on.

No, please, don’t go from smile-to-smolder in two pictures. That’s not right.

Seriously. We’re trying to live our lives here, and you’re making us look bad.

Cut it out. It’s not funny anymore. Now we all feel like the losers that we truly are.

Better.

Miguel Gomez has the most infectious smile on the roster

That is the smile of the happiest player in all of Photo Day. Except this one might be even more endearing:

I’d like to think that I would have that smile permanently if I were a professional baseball player, but I know that reality would get in the way. I’d have tired days, low-energy days, grumpy days, and stretches where I took my job for granted that would last weeks, if not months. It’s just human nature.

Miguel Gomez is not encumbered with these problems. He lives life as if there’s always an otter GIF just a few feet away from him.

Michael Morse is still the cool kid in high school who told the other cool kids to stop picking on you and would give you a ride if he saw you walking home

Am I projecting? Probably. But look at this guy.

Quite possibly the coolest cat on the Giants. But there’s something about his pictures that I can’t place.

Michael Morse is still the cool kid in high school who told the other cool kids to stop picking on you and would give you a ride if he saw you walking home, and he also needs glasses

He would be a straight-A student if he could see the board, and he knows it. But, c’mon, glasses? He can get by.

Christian Arroyo washes his baseball glove, and this picture proves it

I ... I guess that I never thought about where they take all these pictures. Wherever they have space, apparently, and this year, they had space in the laundry room.

Also, that is a trap door in the laundry room floor, and it’s what happened to Dan Ortmeier. Watch yourselves, young Giants.

Watch yourselves.