We’re about five weeks out from kickoff, which means I’m only about six months late on my 2014 Nebraska football predictions. Local sports radio talk shows are abuzz with summer practice gossip and rumors of QB controversies and Iowa fans still don’t know the Big 10 added two new teams to the conference (or know how to point out their states on a map). I’ll put my Iowa bashing on hold to say I’m really looking forward to football this season. Even though I won’t be able to make it to a home game this year, there’s plenty to be excited about.

This year the Big Red will usher in a new quarterback era to replace the human highlight reel we all came to know and love as T-Magic.

Ameer Abdullah, a dark horse Heisman contender, has the potential to put up at least 150 yards of total offense a game, but 800 against Iowa. Write that down.

We’ve got some very gifted athletes on the defensive side of the ball. I’m not going to say they’ll be better than the ’95 team, but they’re going to be. Write that down, too. One look at this clip of Vincent Valentine chasing down running backs gives me every reason to think he can anchor a defensive front fit to be dubbed Blackshirts:

I know all of you are excited to see my predictions. It’s probably going to be the most accurate out of my “professional” peers selections when we all look back on this season. So, here we go. Game-by-game.

Let’s rock.

Game 1: vs. Florida Atlantic

Owls are birds. Hawk(eye)s are [dumb] birds. Florida Atlantic is the Iowa of Florida football teams. I wouldn’t know who these guys are if Carl Pelini didn’t get fired for rollin’ doobies in the locker room after going 1-4 in C-USA play. But I’d want to get fired, too if I coached a team that is the Iowa of a state that everybody already hates for non-football reasons.

Prediction: 48-13

Game 2: vs. McNeese State

My suggestion for McNeese State is to stop by Runza before or after the game because it should be the only enjoyable part of the trip.

Prediction: 59-7 (But only because one guy juked some goon from Missouri out of his shoes and probably scored eight touchdowns on Mizzou. Gotta watch out for him.)

Game 3: at (why though?) Fresno State

Remember Derek Carr? As a sophomore he came to Lincoln and gave us a scare. He has a hot girlfriend, too. This game is in Fresno, so I’ll bet Carr’s girlfriend was the only hot one. But that’s irrelevant. Carr was drafted in the first round by the Raiders in April and Fresno State is kind of the new Boise State. Top dog in a bottom-tier conference with zero hot girlfriends now that Carr is in the NFL. Sweet, you guys.

Prediction: 41-20 But only because we leave at half to get In N’ Out.

Game 4: vs. The U(nderpants) lol

That’s right. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was a Hurricane. The Johnson Miami has now, besides their state looking like a gigantic one, is Duke Johnson. He’s pretty sweet, you guys.

They have Duke Johnson and that’s about it. The leader in the quarterback competition is Jake Heaps, a KU transfer who completed 49% of his passes with 10 interceptions to accompany his 8 TD tosses last year. But just for old times sake, I have to think the Huskers find a way to screw this one and do something weird at the end of the game like we did that one time. We have to lose at least one we shouldn’t on paper, right?

Prediction: 31-34

Game 5: vs. Illinois

Prediction: 44-17

Game 6: at Michigan State

Michigan State: the Ford Taurus of college football. You’re not going to look sexy anywhere you go, but you’ll get there. For the Spartans, getting there was 13-1 with a Rowe Bowl win, only four points short of going undefeated if it wasn’t for Notre Dame in late September. They return 10 starters on offense and six starters on defense. So they’ll be just as good and boring as last year. They’ll beat us some type of way.

See what I did there?

Prediction: 17-24

Game 7: at Northwestern

Pat Fitzgerald. I really don’t like that guy. Assuming Northwestern players have been studying for the LSAT instead of actual games, we should destroy. Not to mention people in Chicago don’t even like Northwestern, so it will basically be a home game again. Randy Gregory might even put renaissance studies major in a wheelchair. Nerds.

Prediction: 48-27

Game 8: vs Rutgers

Rutgers’s entire roster is made up of guidos. They don’t even wear helmets because they’re afraid it will ruin their hair. I’ll assume they’re all covered in tanning lotion and have pretty swoll biceps and triceps. Slippery at the specialty positions and muscular on the offensive line. Could be an interesting matchup for a Nebraska defense who struggled early last year. If their pre-game speech is anything like what I saw on Jersey Shore we should be okay.

Prediction: 38-17

Game 9: vs. Purdue

Purdue’s mascot is kind of like their team: a pointless giant man baby with a hammer that gives me the creeps. I don’t know what else to say, so let’s just say we beat them worse than last year and call it good.

Prediction: 35-10

Game 10: at Wisconsin

Mid-November. This is the time of year where we’ve lost two games and everybody is talking about firing Bo Pelini if he doesn’t win out and make it to the Big 10 Championship game, which is a funny coincidence because we’re playing Wisconsin on the road halfway through November! Wow! The last time we were beat by Wisconsin (moment of silence) they weren’t that great. They won’t be that great this year, either, but it’s Wisconsin on the road which has never been a good thing for Nebraska.

Prediction: 24-30

Game 11: vs. Minnesooooooooooootaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I heard if the Gophers ever have to go to a silent count, the coordinators hold up a picture of Garrison Keillor on the sideline. That’s not true, but it should happen. After a tough road loss Nebraska goes into revenge mode and delivers a country-style beat down to teams who have weird nicknames. This is also a funny coincidence because Minnesota beat us last year and they’re the Gophers. DOUBLE REVENGE MODE.

2013 defeat. 2014 redemption. 2014 taking it a little too far. 2014 celebration. It’s totally our hat.

Prediction: 51-17 (Style points for seniors final home game TRIPLE REVENGE MODE.)

Game 12: at Iowa

Losing by 21 last year at home was not fun. I’ll leave it at that.

Prediction: 24-10

GBR