Sharpie + Cat = Shovel Beatdown

People who make a habit of falling asleep drunk at parties often have stories to tell about waking up the next morning and finding dicks, obscenities, or art manifestos scribbled in black marker all over them. There's no bad blood—it's just a prank that will eventually be paid back. But taking a Sharpie to a cat? Now that is a serious offense that can lead to violence involving shovels.

According to a filed police report, on September 2, witnesses near the intersection of NE 50th St and 16th Ave NE saw the tail end of such a sequence—two men arguing in the street before one of the men allegedly took "a baseball swing with a shovel, hitting the victim in the head." Another witness who arrived moments later and separated the men told police that he saw the suspect "strangling [the victim] in the middle of the roadway and pulling his hair."

The men were still separated when the police arrived, one calm and unscathed, the other visibly upset, with "blood spattered on his face, head, and shirt," according to the report, while a short distance away the shovel was "propped up against a parking sign," with "a small amount of blood spatter on it." Based on the "pool of blood the size of a hubcap" noted in the report, the suspect made harder contact than Chone Figgins has all year for the Mariners.

What was it that drove a man to this berserker-of-the-hardware-store level of violence? According to the victim's statement, the suspect drew on the victim's cat with a Sharpie earlier in the evening, leading the victim to punch the suspect in the face. Thus began the duel that was fated to end with a garden tool to the face.

The report notes that the victim sustained a "several inch long, full thickness laceration to the front of his face and head. The laceration went down to his skull." The victim also complained of neck and arm pain. While two witnesses claimed to see the suspect wielding the shovel, according to the suspect, he did not even "[use] the shovel and stated that [the victim] was the one who had attempted to strike him with the weapon."

Shovel-mad offender though he may be, the suspect was no spendthrift. After refusing to acknowledge his Miranada rights twice, he reportedly said, "I'm not answering any questions without the cheapest lawyer I can get."