Facebook Will Now Tell You How To React To News Stories

MENLO PARK, CA—Exciting new technology developed by Facebook will react to news stories for you.

Every time a news story comes across your Facebook feed, the company's almighty algorithm will determine how you should feel about the news and tell you how you react. The company developed the technology when they noticed that many people were reacting the wrong way to news stories, choosing a laughing emoji when they were supposed to be mad or selecting a "love" emoji when they should have been totally outraged.

"For instance," said one developer, "if we tell you that the president is building a wall, we'll just go ahead and provide the angry reaction for you---no thinking necessary. This should improve your Facebook browsing time so you can spend more time scrolling through your feed and viewing ads for really bizarre products so we can get paid."

"We noticed that with news stories about Ukraine, for instance, a news site would post that Trump negotiated with another foreign power, and nobody was really getting mad about it," the developer continued. "They were just like, 'So? That's it?' and that's not the reaction we want."

Other companies are looking into this technology, with Twitter suggesting it could roll out a program that automatically replies to problematic tweets with phrases like "This ain't it, chief" and "Delete this."

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost. Get FREE Access *with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee