It’s always better to live life according to your own rules—not other’s—and this is why both of my decisions to leave everything behind (twice) made sense for me. My own journey required a complete 180 to get right back where I started, only this time with more wisdom and personal understanding gained. I will say, this is not the most expensive lesson(s) I’ve learned, but it is up there in the top 3. Then again, who can put a price on clarity?

For the past 5 years or so I’ve been on and off again dreaming of this idealistic lifestyle I’d imagined for myself abroad. I wanted to start by teaching abroad, since this made the most financial and logical sense for me to be able to accomplish this goal. I envisioned myself eventually moving into an international humanitarian career and “saving the world.” I actually was accepted for an English teaching job 2 years ago in Honduras, but declined due to other opportunities that arose for me in the states at the time. I knew that eventually I would have to set out to reach this goal, or I would always wonder “what if?”

So after two years in Asheville, North Carolina working unfulfilling jobs since I had graduated college (I had been in AVL, NC for a total of 4 years, however), I decided to sell everything I owned and landed on Taiwan as my prospective teaching destination. It made sense to me at the time, since my previous and current partner (Thomas) was almost finished with his university studies and this meant we wouldn’t have to be apart long, but that I also didn’t have to spend another day feeling like I was waiting to start my life, putting all of my own dreams and aspirations on hold.

Why Taiwan? To be honest, I started by researching the countries where you can make the most money teaching abroad. I have a lot of debt (student loan, credit cards, and personal money loaned to me by loved ones). I’ve mostly been on my own (financially) since graduating high school primarily because the majority of my family cannot afford to financially support me, not because they don’t want to. I did get some help over the years, including cell phone bills paid, a free place to live with my grandparents for 2 years while in college, my 3 cars given to me for free, and personal loans and financial help when I needed it the most. Still, many things I paid for on my own. Since graduating college and living in one of the highest cost of living areas compared to average earnings in the states (Asheville, NC), I ended up charging many month’s grocery and gas bills to credit cards, without enough sufficient funds coming in to cover my basic costs. This added up quick, and I still have a lot of debt to reconcile.

The two regions I found in my research where I could pay off the most debt were Asia and the Middle East. I don’t mean this to come across the wrong way, because I absolutely have no issue or prejudice with people of Middle Eastern background, but I did decide against this region due to concerns of safety and generally not being able to live the liberal free lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to. I would have to wear a headdress almost everywhere I went in public and not speak to men. Knowing me, this would never work. I’ve always been fascinated by my preconceptions of Asia and I was thrilled at the idea of living somewhere I always felt my soul was connected to.[1]

Delving more into Asia, I found that China and Taiwan offered the best salary in comparison to cost of living, with the biggest opportunity to save. I already knew some things about China from studying international studies as my major in college, and I knew that it would be difficult for me to live there. It may seem silly, but not being able to use Facebook in China was a real turn off for me. The more I read up on Taiwan, the more I discovered it was considered liberal in many ways that China is not. I discovered the island was full of beautiful mountains, monasteries, and some of the friendliest Asians according to Western foreigners. And to be honest, I think all of this really is true.

So this gets us to why did I leave? I have explained many of the reasons I decided to sell everything I own, pack up my life into 3 bags, and move to another country where I knew no one, didn’t speak the language, and didn’t have a clue what it would be like besides what I had read. Many warned me that it would be difficult, and questioned if it was the right decision for me or not. I kept reassuring everyone that I was making the right decision for myself, that this was something I had always dreamed of, and that I was confident in my decision.

None of those opinions have changed for me. I know that I did make the right decision by coming here. I know that this was something I had always dreamed of, and I was very confident in my decision, and, still now, I do not regret my decision to come. Like I said before, how can you put a price tag on wisdom and clarity gained?

Let me ask you this: have you ever walked into a room where you immediately knew you should not be? You felt an energy you couldn’t explain, and every time you tried to shrug it off and tell yourself it was just in your head, something bad would happen? This is the best way I know how to sum up my experiences in Taiwan. Please, before I go any further, let me clarify that Taiwan is not a bad place. Taiwan is a beautiful country filled with many wonderful and friendly people, just like I had researched before coming here. As you continue to read, please remember that this is merely my experience in the short 2 months I have spent here, and it doesn’t need to be yours.

Being someone who has always lived in smaller rural mountain communities, I can say it has been beyond difficult for me to adjust to living in a big city. Honestly, I haven’t adjusted and I have no intention to moving forward (hence, part of the reason I’m coming home). In a lot of ways, big cities are great for the environment and for the world. Many people love living in big cities. People find it more convenient. It can be better for the natural environment compacting so many people in one space and leaving larger natural areas untouched. However, I also saw so much of what is wrong with the world that I was so sheltered from living in my peaceful mountain bubbles.

Trash everywhere. I have never seen so much trash in my life at an ocean (just an hour outside the big city of Taipei). I became so sad and frustrated, and even participating in local beach clean ups didn’t seem to be enough. Cigarette butts littered everywhere. As a smoker myself, it brings me shame to see other smokers acting so carelessly against the environment we all share. The smells were insane. From stinky tofu to fish markets to rotten food mixed with stray dog shit and soggy cigarette butts—the rain never gave that fresh scent I’ve always loved back home in my mountains.

Everything is so loud. Many days I felt like I was living in a scene right out of Baraka or Food Inc.. I felt like a chicken in a pen with thousands of other chickens just fighting for some space to move my wings, or breathe, or eat, or poop. I could hear everyone clucking, and it was all so loud I was wondering when the farmer would come shoot us all to drown out the noise. People would shove me in the streets as they were passing by. It was a daily experience to almost get ran over by a car while crossing the street during my own right of way. It is hard not to let something like that get you down. I had met some nice people along the way, but not many people have time for you in a big city. Everyone is lacking time and energy, and in the few moments you spend with someone, it is hard to feel like you are even getting close to knowing who they really are, since they are always rushing off to the next thing, and you might not see them again for weeks, a month, or ever.

People are the same everywhere. But at least at home I had the space to breathe alone. Here, I am constantly having to clean my energy of other’s, as it is impossible to not become polluted, especially as an empathic person, by the many souls that brush past you on a daily basis. While this is a good practice to have (energy cleansing), it has been draining for me in my 50-hour work weeks, and with other dramas that have come into play.

Speaking of work, I have learned a valuable lesson by being here and working as a full-time teacher for two months.[2] First of all: I hate teaching, that is, in the conventional sense. From a spiritual perspective, I think we are all both students and teachers, and this I enjoy. However, working as a K-12 grade teacher in a conventional educational model is certainty not for me. Again, please do not take offense to the things I have to say about my experience teaching. I know that we need teachers now more than ever, especially ones that care about going against the system or taking the extra time to teach creativity with passion, and I do not mean in any way to take away from all that these teachers and societal movers and shakers do for our youth and future prospective as humans.

For me, it is difficult to work within the system and not become complacent somewhere along the way. I know I have always been put on earth to be a “fire starter,” meaning someone who lights flames beneath others to ignite change, inspiration, and more. In many ways, you would think that would make me a great teacher. However, in order for me to not get fired from my jobs, I have to play a game my heart feels is killing the true me every time I make a move. I must teach things I don’t believe in, and spend my time convincing students things are important that merely are not (in my opinion).

Because it goes against my very nature to do and say things I do not believe to be true, and to play by the rules, I am naturally a very contentious employee and human being for that matter. My job had many negative things to say about me. At the same time, my job expects many things from its employees and does not give them the proper time, knowledge, or training in order to complete the tasks required. I know I am not the only employee who felt this way. In fact, I spoke to nearly a dozen of my employees who felt the exact same way. One of them is also quitting; she’s been a teacher in the states for 10 years and she says this is the worst job she’s had. Others hate the job and their expectations, but are too afraid, or for whatever reason, will not say anything to administration. What really kills me is how only about 10% of what we were doing was actually for the benefit of the student; the rest was to uphold an image the school wishes to portray, to take part in a bureaucracy of bullshit where no one is actually getting anything done, and has “all the time in the world” to do it.

I could have looked for another job, but I didn’t. I knew I would more than likely hate it somewhere else just as much. I knew I didn’t have the physical or emotional energy to even search for another job. And my other issues in Taiwan didn’t make it any easier.

When I first moved in, I had some trouble with my roommates. As time went on, I brushed it off, and things smoothed out (at first). When I finally felt that one thing in my life here was going right, I had the carpet ripped out from underneath me. Within one night, I had lost everything I thought I had built up. I do not choose to go into terrible detail about my issues with my roommates, because I feel that it is very personal and not something I would like to share over a public bog. However, if you would like to know more, please feel free to message me about it and perhaps we can discuss what happened. Long story short and personal details aside, I felt that my roommates unfairly judged me after I had opened up to them about some aspects of myself. When I tried to work things out, they were unwilling, which seemed unfair because I had not said anything hurtful and had remained open to working on our relationship. The feeling was not mutual, and that is okay. I know not everyone is going to like me, but I should like me, and most days, I do. I do know that I am a very honest person, and if I have wronged someone I always feel bad about it and apologize at some point. In this case, I know I have done nothing wrong, and so I know there is nothing left for me to do.

I walked into Taiwan two months ago, and everything since has screamed at me to leave. There is hardly a soul here who appreciates who I am and what I bring to the world, which is certaintly something. I am suffocating in this big city, full of big expectations and an uneven exchange of give and take. There were moments I felt joy, but there was a majority where I felt absolutely terrible. I cried several times a week. Also, not being able to eat or communicate here regularly did not help.[3] Still, I know that I have gained something amazing from this experience just as much as I know that it is not a mistake to leave. Here is a list of just some of the many things I have learned about myself in just two short months:

I do not want to live abroad or travel for extended periods of time. I took for granted my beautiful home of Asheville and all of the people who love and support me there. I took for granted my country and the many amazing things about it. I realize I’d be much happier living a simpler life making small changes in my small community than trying to take on the daunting task of “saving the world,” all the while being away from everything and everyone that I love.

want to live abroad or travel for extended periods of time. I took for granted my beautiful home of Asheville and all of the people who love and support me there. I took for granted my country and the many amazing things about it. I realize I’d be much happier living a simpler life making small changes in my small community than trying to take on the daunting task of “saving the world,” all the while being away from everything and everyone that I love. I do not want to be a teacher. After working in teaching environments on and off for the last 5 years, I realize that this is not a route I want to take. Unfortunately, I will have to work as an online English teacher/tutor for the next several months until I can get back on my feet and buy a car, but at least I know it is just a means to an end.

want to be a teacher. After working in teaching environments on and off for the last 5 years, I realize that this is not a route I want to take. Unfortunately, I will have to work as an online English teacher/tutor for the next several months until I can get back on my feet and buy a car, but at least I know it is just a means to an end. I want to start moving away from education and social work type jobs that I’ve been working the past several years. I’d like to “try on” new career paths, and am currently considering studying herbalism and seeing if that is something I might be interested in. I’d like to move away from people centered careers, and try a new route, one where I am able to set fulfilling days for myself and help others, but not be so entangled in the messy affairs of humans.

I want to move towards working for myself. I have many creative ideas and alternative ways of thinking, and I’d like to find a way to make money doing what I love, setting my own schedule, and being my own boss.

I’m going to care about what other people think of me whether I’m here (in Taiwan, as I am writing this) or back home (in Asheville). This is a huge life lesson I have to learn to get over what others think of me, and truly own who I am and be comfortable in my own skin. I believe coming back home will be a test to this challenge as I know many people already have strong opinions about my choice to come home, and many more will. Ultimately, my opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to making choices about my life and happiness; also, no one can ever truly know what I have experienced even with all the explanation in the world and that is okay too.

I finally understand the meaning of the phrase culture shock.

I always thought of myself as a failure for not finishing a lot of things since I graduated college. I have learned since then that failure is not the act of not finishing something you start, but rather the inaction to ever start something you think you want to. I’ve quit a lot of things over the last several years, but it’s been because they weren’t the right things for me. I would have never known this if I hadn’t started them in the first place. It would have been more of a failure to never try. I realize now, that when the right thing comes along, my true dream, rather than the dream I think exists somewhere out there in the universe for me, I won’t be quitting anything. I will face just as many trials and tribulations as I have in Taiwan and other experiences in my life, but I won’t back down because it will be the right ambition for me to follow through. This wasn’t it. I know now I was just here to learn many things, but it was less about the destination or the completion of the journey than it was about the journey. Anyhow, the journey will be continuing in Asheville, a place for me to learn and grow all of my own.

Never take the people or places you love for granted. Life is short. Tragedies happen every day. Hold the ones you love close. Be open to forgiving.

If Taiwan taught me all of this and more, I know it could never have been a mistake. For these reasons and more, I will never regret the two months I decided to move to a random fucking place on the map, by myself, without speaking the language, and to try something new. It could never be a failure. It will always be one of biggest accomplishments of my life so far. I jumped, and I’m falling into the me I want to be. Through a twist of fate and trial, I’m coming home again, and I couldn’t be more excited.

[1] Side note: I believe in reincarnation and have always felt connected to Eastern religions, traditions and energy

[2] For context, I have been working as a part-time teacher/tutor on and off for 4 years now

[3] I am a vegetarian and many of the dishes here are not. Even most noodles are cooked with some sort of meat fat. Without speaking or reading the language, eating here became a daily challenge where I would go hours or days without eating because of my in access to food I could eat.