In honor of International Women’s Day, let me tell you about wife duties in the 21st century. I’ve been a 21st century wife for three years now, and I am continuously surprised by the number of wife duties that exist for women in this progressive day and age. When I first got married as a young and naive 20 year old, I had expectations that my marriage would be an equal partnership, where we would aim to share the paid work, house work, and family responsibilities fairly and equally. After all, I was choosing to marry a responsible and loving 21st century man, and I had witnessed first hand his helpfulness in doing the dishes and cleaning up when we had family dinners at his parent’s house.

So you can imagine my confusion and disappointment when, after being married for just a short while, I discovered gender norms were alive and well and very much a part of our marriage. I grew up in a very traditional household where my mother did the vast majority of the housework and the saying “a man’s home is his castle” rang true. I vowed my marriage would be different.

So why is it that I find myself looking around at my messy house and knowing that, unless I specifically ask for help, I will end up doing it all myself? Does he just not notice that the trash needs to be taken out? The laundry has piled up? His clothes from last week are still draped over the living room sofa? If you asked him who’s responsible for the housework in our relationship, I’m sure he would say it’s a shared responsibility. I don’t think he is intentional about not doing domestic chores — but then neither is he intentional about doing the damn things. He just doesn’t feel burdened by it. Subconsciously, we have both internalized and subscribed to our society-given gender roles and responsibilities. While in theory, we enthusiastically affirm the notion of an equal partnership in marriage, in practice, our relationship looks quite different. What are 21st century wife duties, you might ask? Well, here are some of mine:

Wife duty #1: Do the laundry

When it comes to chores that need to be done more than once a week, it’s a wife duty. I never volunteered to be in charge of laundry, but I’ve learned that it is quicker (and less painful) to do it myself then to wait for him to notice it needs to be done.

Wife duty #2: Do all the grocery shopping. If husband does graciously agree to do the shopping, a comprehensive list must be provided by wife.

When we first got married, I worked in a shopping mall so it made sense for me to do most of the grocery shopping because it was convenient. But over the years, it’s continued to be primarily my duty to do the shopping, regardless of who is least inconvenienced by it. Even when he consents to do the shopping, I have to write him a shopping list. So I essentially still have to think about shopping, even when I’m not shopping. And I’m not allowed to be upset at him for not getting anything that wasn’t on the list, because it’s also a wife duty to remember everything that we need.

Wife duty #3: Dusting

Any little things that need to be done but are not very noticeable automatically become a wife duty, like dusting.

Wife duty #4: Cooking. If husband relents to your incessant nagging to cook dinner, wife must tell husband what to cook and organize the pantry to insure all ingredients needed are there.

I don’t mind cooking most of the time. Mostly because I hate doing dishes, and we have an arrangement that if I cook, he cleans. But sometimes I just really don’t feel like cooking. Or I know I’m going to be home late and I would just like to have dinner ready and waiting for me for once in my life. On these occasions, is it too much to ask for a capable partner that can cook a simple meal from start to finish without my input? All I want to do is not have to think about dinner. Instead, it’s up to me to tell him exactly what I want him to cook AND to make sure we have all the ingredients necessary. Otherwise, it’s spaghetti or nothing at all.

Wife duty #5: Be a good host

We use our spare bedroom to host guests through Airbnb fairly often. It’s a pretty easy gig, the only thing it really costs us is time, because obviously we need to make sure the house is clean whenever we have a guest coming. And by we I mean me, the wife. Not only is it up to me to manage the Airbnb listing, which includes communicating with guests prior to and during their stay, I also end up doing at least 80% of the cleaning required.

Wife duty #6: Entertain guests

Any time we have anyone over to our house, regardless of which of our friends or family it is, it’s a wife duty to entertain them, including cooking, serving, clearing, wiping, and keeping the conversation going.

Wife duty #7: Plan our holidays

Any time we decide to go anywhere for holidays, it is a wife duty to plan everything. If I don’t plan it, it wont happen.

Wife duty #8: Join the other women in the kitchen anytime you go over to anyone’s house

I am all for helping out when you are invited to someone’s house for dinner, but it is interesting how it seems to always be the women in the kitchen getting things ready before the meal and cleaning up after the meal, while the men relax with a cold beer.

Wife duty #9: Anything and everything that has not explicitly been delegated, but that needs to be done.

Pretty much anything that needs to be done, but hasn’t explicitly been delegated to anyone becomes a wife duty. This extends beyond house work to any family obligations or relationship needs. Things like having people over or coordinating time with family or even just spending quality time together or going out on a date.

Wife duty #10: Work full time on top of all of the above.

As a 21st century wife, you have a duty to work full time and invest an equal amount of time and energy into paid work, on top of all of your other wife duties. Essentially, wife duties in the 21st century have not been reduced to compensate for a woman’s career, but rather have remained the same, and paid work responsibilities have simply been piled on top.

Do you know why the stereotype of “the nagging wife” exists and is so often used to describe women? Probably because men don’t take the initiative to do their share of the work. I know that my husband will read this and protest, “But I always do the dishes, even when I cook dinner!!!” Yes bae, I know you do more than your fair share of the dishes. But do you know that I do more than my fair share of everything else?

I am not trying to get out of my wife duties. I enjoy many of them and I take pride in knowing that I am taking care of us. And I am very thankful for my husband, who is loving and generous and can be extremely helpful. I am merely pointing out the discrepancy between what is meant by an “equal partnership” and what is actually demonstrated. Many men will claim they believe in gender equality. But what women want and need is for men to be capable partners who are equally burdened by the shared household and family responsibilities that come with marriage, and to take the initiative to do things that need to be done, rather than simply being willing to do things they are told to do.

Happy International Women’s Day.