My transition, homophobia, and the "gender ideology"

I thought about writing two lines on this topic that I really care about.

Dysphoria and transition

I've never been too happy about my appearance, although letting my hair grow helped me quite a lot.

For some time, I thought I could just continue as a feminine guy. However, I always feared the future. The only few guys I felt some envy for, were those who were more feminine than me, and of course I realize they (and me) numerically fade away once their 20s are over.

If I can look at myself, it's because I can see a glimpse of the woman behind the mirror. If I can't see her, I feel awful (for example, if my wet hair sticks to and "disappears" into my head, if my body hair is left unshaven, or if I take a selfie from a low angle)

If I hadn't done anything, she would have slowly faded away as I age, and he would've become more and more visible and manly.

I used to see testosterone for me as I saw greenhouse gases for the planet. Yeah, something could've been done earlier. But I'm happy that I changed course.

It gives me a lot of peace of mind to know that every day I'm imperceptibly becoming more feminine (as opposed to imperceptibly more manly).

Of course, there are people that transition in the opposite direction, and they see things and life in a symmetrical way compared to me. And also a very large majority of cisgender (= non-transgender) males and females that feel perfectly happy about themselves.

I really wish I could talk with my younger me and encourage him/her to transition. I would do anything to get that chance if I could.

I often hear the expression "feeling like a woman". I think it's oversimplifying. I don't personally have the self-confidence to call myself a woman, at least not at this initial stage of the transition. However, I share a lot of the woman vision of the world.

Here's a thought experiment I found very useful:

You are in front of a button that, once pressed, can instantly turn you into a woman, without the least clue that you didn't always look like that. Every person you ever knew will remember you as always being a woman. Would you press that button? Would you feel tempted to press it?

For me the answer was yes and yes with no doubts. The rest is just about fixing any doubts or fears you might have.

How should I call you? Her/Him?

I don't still have a feminine appearance, I don't feel up to a "her". I personally care more about facts/my appearance than nice words. It always made me feel happy inside when someone gendered me femininely, for example on the phone because of my voice, or on the Internet because of my name (Andrea is also a male name in Italy). I mean, if it's genuinely felt. If it's just for political correctness, I don't have any strong opinions either way.

With respect to my name, I don't plan to change it. I'm happy to already have a female one.

That said, Italy seems to be one of very few western countries where journalists on TV nonchalantly refer to trans women with male pronouns, without even wondering what could be bad about that. In other countries, it's like calling a black man with the n* word.

What will change?

The effects of hormone replacement therapy stabilize after a few years. So far, I noticed a strong libido decrease (which wasn't that high in the first place) and some slightly perceptible change to my nipples/breast.

I admittedly hesitated for a moment because of point 5, but I could see that it would've been short-sighted not to transition because of that. Now, thanks to my decreased libido, I don't really care about that anymore.

There are also many other small minor changes, from the most apparent ones like fat redistribution or skin softness/odor, to more frivolous things like an improved sense of smell.

In Italy? Seriously?

I see that this might not be the most LGBT-friendly country, and this made me hesitate in the past.

Here's a thought experiment that I found useful:

How would I feel, in the Italy of year 2054, where nobody bats an eye if a black, openly atheist, lesbian, transgender (and maybe even vegetarian) woman becomes the president of the republic, and I was and old man defaced by testosterone, that didn't transition when he could've done it, because at the time some people were bigots? I would live endless regrets and I could never forgive myself.

A word of support for lesbian trans women (transitioned and non-transitioned)

I see that some male-assigned people who feel an attraction for the female gender might feel delegitimized from transitioning. "You're just a straight guy", this is what they might fear hearing.

The point is that your average straight male does not really care about his appearance nor does he try to express femininity. He watches Top Gear, and is happy with his body hair and his beard, hoping to hook someone up. (gosh, I poured so much negativity in this sentence. Sorry.)

I personally acknowledge the fact that women tend to have a nice/attractive appearance. But it would hurt me too much to live side by side with someone that unintentionally but constantly reminds me of how much she's much prettier than me.

I feel some sadness/envy (in the good sense of the word) towards them. Something that doesn't happen with guys, even the ones I like.

The "gender ideology"

A lot of Catholic press has brought attention to this topic. This is called a "straw man fallacy": portray the opponent's views in a misleading way, in order to attack them more easily.

Don't worry, moms: no teacher is forcing your children to wear lipstick or to say that no differences exist between males and females.

The "gender theory" portrayed by the Catholic Church is a huge mashup of fight against sexism/homophobia, sex education, and gender dysphoria.

Some parents might not want their child to be gay/lesbian/non-gender-conforming, and they might not want him to be "negatively" influenced. Honestly, if the only thing that keeps someone from "becoming" gay is to avoid discussing this topic or to stare at Figure 1 or Figure 2 for too long, than he might not be that straight in the first place.

The problem of some parents, for example those that support the so called "conversion therapies", and also anti-vaxxers, is that they are genuinely convinced that they are doing something good for their children.

We often hear the Catholic press talking about freedom of education, in the sense of bringing home your children when sex-ed lessons take place, or how proposing anti-LGBT positions in Catholic schools is perfectly fine.

Maybe we should also make sure that they receive complete and accurate information, without having to face the bigotry of their parents or of the religious congregation that manages the school.

With the same logic of freedom of religion/education, the same weight is given in America to Darwin's evolution and biblical myths, with the result that 40% of the population believes that the Earth is less than 10 000 years old. In the long run, an insecure teenager might actually convince himself that there's something bad or wrong about his preferences with respect to girls/guys.

Of course, not everything is black and white. There are a thousand shades. In the United Kingdom, 49% of young people don't define themselves completely straight. Among old/conservative people, the percentage of those who admit it is noticeably lower.

Sexual preferences, gender identity, and propensity towards more typically masculine or feminine jobs/interests are correlated with testosterone levels during embryonal development. Brain scans of straight women, trans women and gay people show similar structures, while straight men, trans men and lesbian women show other ones.

Old and new "teachings"

A few centuries ago, the Catholic Church had its own teachings with respect to how the cosmos works. They were based on scriptures, tradition, and "common sense". Lukily, astronomers now take care of that stuff.

Why don't we also leave sexuality-related topics to those who look at things with investigative spirit, with data, and peer-reviewed papers? I mean, sexologists, psychologists, and sociologists, instead of seventy-year-old men with not even* personal experience in the field.

* Conditions apply.

Lutheran churches in Northern Europe celebrate religious marriages between same-sex people. Women can become priests. Priests can marry. Perhaps each country gets the religion it deserves?

What I find somehow frustrating is that in 30-50 years the Church will have the shameless audacity of saying that there's never been any real conflict with the LGBT community. Just like they say now with respect to women (*cough* witches) or science.

Same old stories

But it's unnatural to be gay

This isn't just an appeal to nature fallacy, but it's even incorrect.

Homosexuality exists in numerous animal species (monkeys, elephants, giraffes, sheep, insects).

A possible explanation is that it contributes to reduce the overall aggressivity of a herd. It's not a big deal if there's not a perfect males:females match.

But it's not normal to be transgender

Unlike the above point, it's hard to have a face-to-face conversation with a monkey and see how he feels about himself.

Anyways, we've already done quite a lot of unnatural things since the moment we stopped running around naked in the savannah hunting wild animals.

But there are fundamental differences between males and females

Testosterone levels influence the way brain structures form in the embryo. Females with slightly higher levels tend to think more masculinely and to prefer more masculine jobs/interests. The opposite happens with males with slightly low levels.

Anecdotally I actually had not-so-high levels. Out of 100 males of my age, 5-10 have lower levels than me (now that I started the therapy, they're even less). Those four males are probably perfectly fine with themselves, but maybe some of them are feeling in the same way I used to feel, and are waiting to find the courage to transition.

Of course, these are statistics that cannot portray every single person. No fast runner would stop following his passion because a genetic test says that he shouldn't be predisposed to be a good runner.

I don't want to delegitimize those who feel my same feelings despite being born full of testosterone.

What matters is what you feel inside, not what society expects from you.

But seeing two men kissing on the street is quite disgusting

With the same logic we might want to forbid two fat people, or two people with a skin color we aren't happy about, from doing the same.

But gay prides are indecorous

The main point is to communicate that we exist, that the time of hiding and being ashamed of ourselves is gone, and that sexuality is not a topic we should feel embarrassed or guilty when we talk about, no matter whether it's for reproduction purposes only or not, and no matter whether it's blessed and approved by a man wearing a robe that pronounces sentences in a solemn way, or not.

But a child needs a mom and a dad

Children that are raised by same-sex couples don't display difficulties or problems any differently than those raised by heterosexual couples. Nor are they gay with any higher frequency than those from heterosexual couples.

Again, one should look at actual data instead of relying on "tradition" and "christian common sense".

But not those who participate to gay prides

We should also prevent all the various "miss wet T-shirt"s from raising children. They would surely be bad mothers.

Shouldn't they cure themselves?

The various "conversion therapies" are categorized as pseudoscience, in the sense that once you put them under scientific verification, they don't work. They've been banned in many countries and states, but there's always some worried parent that hopes to "fix" his child and turn him into a "real man" just like God wants.

I would personally never want to reborn as a normal heterosexual male. As a female, everything would've been simpler, but even as a gender-dysphoric male would've been ok, provided that I transition very soon and I don't grow up in a so bigoted society like ours.

What if you change your mind?

I consider my begin of transition as the most important turning point in my life, a dream that comes true. I really find it difficult to imagine a scenario where I might want to go back to the person I used to be.

Anyways, regrets are extremely rare (approx 1%), and often caused by bigotry of people or by late-in-life transitions.

97% of FtMs and 87% of MtFs define themselves satisfied with the transition, and the virtual totality would've liked to start earlier.

What about the surgery?

I don't have any strong feelings either way. I don't see it as a priority or as a necessity. Maybe one day I'll change my mind.

Of course other people see it as something deeply important for themselves.

Anyways, I'll do it if I genuinely feel it's important to me, definitely not due to pressure/expectations from potential partners.

Coming out

It's so easy to be an homophobe with people you don't have any family/work/friendship relationship with. When they realize LGBT people are the ones they've always known, they suddenly become supportive (except maybe for some slightly-old people)

This is why it's important to come out.

I don't know to what extent people from our country, Italy, understand how this is a strange country. Take two cities with a very similar population: Pergine Valsugana, Italy (20 122 inhabitants) and Skive, Denmark (20 505 inhabitants). If you have Facebook Graph, write "men who live in Skive, Denmark interested in men", and do the same for the Italian city.

Of course this doesn't tell us how many LGBT people exist. I wouldn't expect percentages to be significantly different.

What it shows is how many people live out in the open, and how many live in the shadows in order not to disrupt the spiritual well-being of right-thinkers.

A note to all people from Pergine: I chose this city because I personally know it and I consider it to be relatively open. Other nearby cities with around 7 000 inhabitants would've received even more pitiless results.

It might be even true that society advances one funeral at the time, but we should still try to do something, without waiting all that time. We cannot allow some old conservatives to have any influence on who we are, who we love and how we live.

Being transgender and non-gender-conforming

Transgender/genderqueer is an umbrella term, broader than what usually considered.

Of course all of these categories are slightly overlapped and have non-rigid boundaries:

People that are actually on hormone replacement therapy

Drag queens, drag kings : those who dress in an artistic way for entertainment purposes, or just to be another person for a moment.

: those who dress in an artistic way for entertainment purposes, or just to be another person for a moment. People that dress with clothes of the opposite gender, because they've a deep desire of being women or being more feminine, but they don't feel ready to transition

to transition People that dress with clothes of the opposite gender, just for fun

People that don't like themselves and keep living their lives according to the well-defined canons that society expects from a person of "their" gender

from a person of "their" gender People that don't conform to the roles or expectations that are generally accepted by society.

Of course, not everyone feels the need or desire to transition:) But I felt it was very important for me.

Continue to part 2.

If you have any questions or curiosities, write me a PM on facebook or send me an email.