To counteract charges that Americans are relaxing, living their lives, and otherwise getting through a work week without being seized with fear of nuclear annihilation or being stripped of inalienable rights and freedoms, we propose that congressional leaders announce a “Newly Revised Schedule of Plans to Terrify Constituents,” or NoReSPiTe.

Remember when we used to complain on “Old Monday” about surviving the work week? LOLZ! Now Mondays are about actual survival. Look, we in Congress don’t like this repeal and replace legislation any more than you do when we use our brains, but we promised our constituents we would do this, and, like our medical consultant, Dr. Seuss, reminds us, “We meant what we said and we said what we meant, an elephant’s faithful 100 percent.”


So call us heartless, ruthless, baby-killers, he-man women haters, the devil, fiends, or monsters who want millions of Americans to die unnecessarily, but, gosh darn it, nobody — and we mean nobody — will be able to call this Congress promise breakers! Well, certainly not the people who are no longer alive, anyway.

Terrible Tuesdays

Remember when Tuesdays were the innocent, inoffensive little sister to Mondays? Not great, but not awful? No, neither do we. We can barely remember what we did (and didn’t) do in July! We’re reserving this day for rogue GOP members to introduce terrifying policies and heinous gut-seizing pronouncements — think DACA repeal — that are sure to be simmering on your mental back burner for the rest of the week! First gray hair? Congratulations! That means we’re doing it right!

Whack Job Wednesdays

Following on the success of POTUS’s crazy viral quotes — “fire and fury” anyone? — we’re going to encourage members of Congress to let loose with whatever is on their minds, or we’ll provide party-generated talking points. Got a racist thought? Want to dismantle a right or disparage a class of law-abiding citizens? Blame an administration from last century for the POTUS’s current problems? Let her rip! But wait for Wednesday (and congressional members should see Rep. King for ideas). What better way to stimulate those aging hormones responsible for weight gain, lethargy, and sleeplessness — thus forcing more previously robust citizens off the health care rolls and hastening their early demises — than by inducing panic mid-week?


Throw Back Thursdays

Just when you vaguely thought your calling and marching had halted the legislative steamroller in its tracks, we’re going to “floor it” and reintroduce legislation to the floor that we couldn’t pass the first three times. We’ll just call it something else, in the hopes that you won’t notice.

Feel Bad Fridays

TGIF! Woo-hoo. Hold on. Why should you be happy? You can’t possibly be happy. If you are then we’re clearly not doing our jobs. Did you not see what we already did or tried to do this week?

We’ll start fresh on Monday by tying you to a slow-moving human rotisserie above a pool of hungry sharks! Enjoy the weekend!

Debra A. Klein is a writer in San Francisco. Follow her on Twitter@IWishIHadTyped.