THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would cost to replace the earth’s core. “I knew putting in a new core was going to set me back a little, but jeez, this is just outrageous,” said the irate Creator of All Things, who added that He could tell the guy giving Him the estimate was “trying to screw [Him] over,” noting that He had the atmosphere on Uranus fixed for half the cost two millennia ago even though that planet is “way bigger.” “That guy also said the mantle is in pretty bad shape and that I should get that replaced too while I’m at it, and then he said I’d have to put in all new volcanoes that are compatible with all of that. Once you factor in parts and labor, this is fricking highway robbery.” God later mentioned that at such a high price point, there was “really no use” in replacing the earth’s core, as the whole planet only had a few usable years left anyway.

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