Finding a Safe Space on Campus… For My Dick

A Germaphobe’s Guide to Hooking Up

With all of the talk in the news about campus rape culture, misogyny, and the dangers of being a female college student in America, it’s often taken for granted that male students have nothing to fear when it comes to sex.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex can bring negative results for both women and men, especially when viewed in hindsight. It’s fool-hearted to believe that women never pressure or coerce men into having regrettable sex. This happens all the time.

I personally have had the unfortunate experience of waking up with a strange girl in my bed, feeling shocked and disturbed that she entered my room and took advantage of my drunken and drug-addled penis. I also felt pride that I still managed to perform, but that’s neither here nor there.

But, aside from the aggressive bird in heat who steals some lovin’ while a man is too trashed to resist, the real threat to a modern male scholar are STD’s.

There’s a lot of dirty muff on campus these days, especially among the feminists, who prefer a hairier aesthetic. It’s a veritable ecosystem in some of their bushes.

A lot of contemporary college girls are simply batshit crazy too. They are anti-birth control and anti-western medicine (because of the patriarchy), and some of the more radical ones don’t even wear tampons! They won’t even tell you when they’re on their periods because they want you to wallow in the mire of their dried refuse. Frankly, the level of female hygiene on campus has reached historic lows.

Condoms have also been rendered useless in practice because the aforementioned Brillo Pad bush hair, which tears through latex like a new wife through her husband’s dreams. Thankfully all college girls are democrats and love abortions, but still, I don’t want to stick my glorious phallus into one of their sin pits without a shield, these beavers bite!

If the University system cared at all about its male constituents, then we’d quarantine half these poons and throw away the key.

But, alas, such a thing is impractical and unlikely. So, what’s a man to do? Well, I’m here to tell you that while finding a clean muff to ride in college isn’t easy, it can be done if you follow these basic principles.

Indicators of a Clean Coochie

Christian Girls — Due to Christian’s fear of God and respect for their body as a creation made in God’s image, the serious Christians tend to have relatively unspoiled and well-maintained pooties. God bless!

— Due to Christian’s fear of God and respect for their body as a creation made in God’s image, the serious Christians tend to have relatively unspoiled and well-maintained pooties. God bless! Swimmers, Runners, & Climbers — Women who swim, run cross country or track, and climb, tend to groom their front butts on a regular basis. While this is done for pragmatic purposes related to their sport, it also has the added benefit of preventing any buildup of bacteria or genital lice. Plus, these types of athletes tend to be super fit!

— Women who swim, run cross country or track, and climb, tend to groom their front butts on a regular basis. While this is done for pragmatic purposes related to their sport, it also has the added benefit of preventing any buildup of bacteria or genital lice. Plus, these types of athletes tend to be super fit! Medical Students— Not only are medical students aware of the benefits of good personal hygiene and the dangers of untreated VD, but their access to antibiotics help guarantee that the field remains pest free.

How to Spot a Dirty Honey Pot

Knowing what to look for when selecting a lady to woo is of crucial importance, but it’s much more critical to know what to avoid. Remember, preventative care is the best the cure.

If you seek a long and healthy life for your dong, then follow these easy tips. Not only will you remain STD free, but you just might avoid a lawsuit down the road too!

Ladies to Avoid

Anyone Holding a Camera

Anyone Wearing Thick Black Glasses

Anyone with Short Pink Hair

Anyone at Whole Foods

Students of Sociology, Psychology, Anthropology, or Any of the Other Less Challenging Soft Sciences

Anyone Who Blogs

Anyone Who Cries in Philosophy Class

Good luck out there and remember to stay clean and be respectful!