March Madness starts today!

I’m not a big exclamation guy but, on certain occasions, the situation warrants them. March Madness!!!!!!!!

It’s a cliché tsunami that explodes onto our collective consciousness every March. The rising of dynasties, crowning of coaching royalty, and more Cinderella air-time than a Disney channel promotional tie-in. In short: it’s amazing. It’s every bit the spectacle and the insanity that it purports itself to be. In a world where the hype machine is a 140-character, handcranked, behemoth that is jump started for virtually any sporting event, this is one that usually manages to deliver.

But what if you’re not one of the smart ones that planned ahead and took tomorrow and Friday off from work so you can simultaneously watch 6 TVs and crush through a plate of artery-imploding nachos con cuatro quesos at your local bar? What if you’re not the guy who planned to get his testicular tubes tied tomorrow? (*Author’s note: it is March Madness, after all. And everyone loves the alliteration that comes along with it. Also, that’s really a thing. Some dudes plan to get “snipped” tomorrow just so they can get their junk cut off literally to go along with the metaphorical junk-cutting that happens when a 14-seed upsets that sure-fire 3-seed that they had picked to make the finals.)

Then that likely means that you are going to be stuck at work for the first two rounds of the NCAA Tourney. That means you’re like me. And that sucks.

Let me first extend my condolences to you. Maybe you burned through all your leave time in the fall or you had a rough winter with your kid getting sick and you’ve got no personal days left. Hell, maybe you work at a place that doesn’t allot very many days off and you’ve found yourself pulled into the black hole space vortex that inevitably has swallowed so many sports fans whole during events like the world cup or playoff baseball. Maybe you even made the fateful, rookie mistake of not remembering to put in for this time off in advance.

Despair not, intrepid March Madness fans. I’m here to help. I’ve got you. You’ve got this.

Here are the ways to make sure you can still enjoy the opening rounds of March Madness even if you’re stuck at the office.

Step 1. Make Sure You Set Up a ***NON-MONETARY, APPROVED-BY-CORPORATE’S-LEGAL-DEPARTMENT, INCLUSIVE-TO-ALL-RACES-GENDERS-SOCIO-ECONOMIC-AND-SEXUAL-ORIENTATION*** Bracket Contest

Does that annoying dude 3 cubes down from you who always loudly discusses his “Gym Sess” while shaking that Godforsaken protein drink of his think he knows college hoops? Does that one girl who has suspiciously started mercilessly jocking on a only-good-recently-team that has risen to prominence in the last two or three seasons think her bandwagon-foster-children are going to go all the way?

Prove. Them. Wrong. Are you annoyed by the chubby dude who is always typing away on his sports blog while hoping that his boss doesn’t notice (*Author’s note: uh-oh. This one sounds eerily familiar for some reason.)? Challenge him to the company-approved bloodsport of inter-office bragging rights. Give out a crappy trophy. Give out nothing other than whispered scorn and murmured derision. Just make sure that are ready for the stink-eye from your boss if you accidentally find yourself verbally decimating his love of Duke.

Step 2. Camo Up Harder Than the Duck Dynasty Guys Doing a Photo Shoot For Guns ‘N Ammo

I am, of course, referring to a way to stealthily watch the games while you’re mired in mid-afternoon office work. I came up with my cubicle version of a duck blind above. I’m sure you can come up with your own idea. The point is this: in order to avoid detection, you have to go into straight up stealth mode. I’m talking Tom Cruise in the original Mission Impossible stealth. Trying to live-stream every minute of March Madness action on a tablet or smart phone while avoiding detection is the office version of Cruise hanging upside down in a pressure-sensitive, windowless, sound-proof room.

Step 3. Identify Your “Scottie Pippen”

Of course, in this instance, I’m not talking about the dude rocking 33 for the Bulls and somehow making random appearances with his wife on Real Housewives of SomewhereIcan’tRemember. No, I’m talking about finding the best possible #2 to assist you. Is that dude across the row from you also a hoops fan? Does that girl down the row love her some March Madness? Make sure they’ve got their eyes on a game if you have to take a business related phone call. I recommend creating elaborate hand signals to show: overtime, close game, upset, and a “John Calipari is Ruining College Basketball” hand sign.

Step 4. Clear Your Schedule

Because the last thing you want to have interrupting your attempt at Madness is to have someone pull you into their office for a “quick meeting” that somehow turns into a detailed discussion of office policy when there’s a 12-5 matchup going on right now that could shake up the entire bracket.

Step 5. Set up an Emergency Evacuation Route

You need to have a plan. You need to be prepared. Should your Wi-Fi connection go out, your access to NCAA.com be blocked behind an impenetrable firewall, or should you be in desperate need of a bigger screen for a tantalizing matchup: you’ve gotta have a plan. How far is it from your desk to the TV? Can you make it there in one possession? How sure are you? Have you measured how many steps it will take to get from your desk to the company lounge so you can know exactly what it will take to make it there for clutch free-throws after a coach’s 30-second timeout? If you haven’t, you’re not doing it right. I want you more prepped for this than a bunkered up, canned-good-loving Mountain Whacko who’s convinced that the end of days is nigh. You can make this a fun day. You just need a gameplan.

Follow these steps, these very simple steps, and you will succeed. Trust me.

FIN