EDMONTON – In an effort to avoid Sex Ed curriculum they deem “problematic,” Alberta Catholic school superintendents have asked to develop their own sex education curriculum focused on shame, abstinence, and shameful abstinence.

“We reject the Alberta government’s modern radical sex education curriculum, which focuses on ‘contraception’ and ‘not living in constant fear of eternal damnation,” said Karl Germann, president of the council of superintendents. “We in the Catholic School Board would prefer to teach the most cutting edge shame-focused Sex Ed that the 2nd century has to offer.”

“And don’t worry, we mean shame from the 2nd century AD. None of that backwards ‘BC’ shame for our students,” Germann clarified.

Catholic educators have requested a $66,005 grant to develop a sexuality curriculum that “reflects many common outcomes embedded in our Catholic faith” – namely the outcome of having huge families of Catholic children because “using birth control disappoints Jesus.” Asked whether the Catholic educators saw a problem with requesting provincial money to develop religious education, Germann insisted that this was the one exception where they felt no shame at all.

The proposed Catholic Sex Ed curriculum would remove lessons on consent, masturbation, and gender identity. These would be replaced by corresponding lessons on “feeling shame when you have sexual thoughts”, “feeling shame when you go to the bathroom”, and “feeling shame over whether you’re feeling enough shame.”

“For example,” Germann outlined, “as opposed to the province’s promotion of same sex lifestyles, our curriculum will teach ‘Shame-Sex Behaviour’, which is to say, ‘If a man wants to have sex with another man, he should feel ashamed’.”

Germann says the proposed shame-based curriculum will be developed by a panel of leading shame scientists, made up entirely of Catholic grandmothers. “We Catholics didn’t invent shame, but we like to think we perfected it,” explained one of the researchers.

The proposed Shame-Based Curriculum has already received high marks from the Association of Catholic Priests Who Have Been Moved To Different Parishes For No Reason In Particular.

Image via Edmonton Catholic School Board