Let’s not blow me out of proportion, here. I get it. You’re having a rough time watching this episode of Sword Art Online II because jack shit is happening. Woohoo, Kirito is talking. HOLY SHIT, SHINO ON A SWING. Anyone would get tired. Desperate, even. But that’s no goddamn excuse to start saying stuff about me. I’m just a goddamn red balloon. I don’t want no shit about all this symbolism or whatever you call it.

Look. I’m just doing my ordinary red balloon business like any old red balloon would. I float. I make the kids happy. I fuck up your hair if you get it too close to my grill. I’ll blow up in your face if you let that fucking flame get too close to me. I’ll send your dead bird to the stratosphere as a memorial service. I can do that shit because that’s what I’m meant for. But now all these people are thinking I’ve done something that I didn’t. Please. Give it a fucking rest already.

Whenever I ask people about how I did in this episode, it’s always “Kirito” this and “Shino” that. What about me? What about the fucking kid I just totally owned by floating away like a boss? You should have seen his fucking face. Oh my god, his face. See, that’s precisely what I did for the entire episode and that’s okay! Aren’t I such a badass? You know how many poor balloons deflate before they even get the chance to slip away? That was my moment, man! That’s some Oscar-worthy shit right there!

But no. This is what I fucking get for all my hard work.

Do you have any idea what people have been asking of me because of you guys? “Oh balloon-sama, what was the process like when method acting despite being your rotund, rubbery self?” I didn’t do anything, I’m just a goddamn red balloon. Deal with it. “Oh balloon-sama, you validate my worthless existence by being in my favorite anime!” Okay, fuck that and fuck you too, you little weeaboo shit. Why don’t you go outside and get your own goddamn red balloon to validate yourself with? Hell, I’ve give myself to you for free if it meant getting you laid for the first time.

You think I’m in this episode because I like it? Newsflash, shithead, I’m here because none of the other balloons wanted the role. I could have been a balloon that spelled out “innocence” like you guys fucking think I am, or it could have been the sex doll balloon if the producers weren’t conservative pricks about it, or it could have been the giraffe balloon because who knows, maybe the kid likes his fucking giraffes. But no. You’re stuck with me. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make my job any more convoluted than it should.

Fuck if I know whether I represent Shino’s innocence or not! Fuck if I know why I happened to float outside Kirito’s window either! I wasn’t paid to do that. In fact, I wasn’t paid to do anything in this episode. If you can’t remember from five fucking seconds ago, I’m a red balloon. I don’t even have free will. I can’t do shit except bait the hopes of little kids and laugh as I fly away with their shitty dreams. None of this traumatized crap you people have been pinning onto my round, shiny exterior. You guys are so desperate to find meaning in this shitty episode that something as innocent as a fucking red balloon becomes the spotlight.

What did I do to deserve this treatment?

This is gonna be my final warning. Stop freaking out over me. I’m just a goddamn red balloon. All I ever wanted out of my short-lived life was to get high and fuck bitches… and you guys are ruining that for me, you understand that? I ain’t here to make a statement. I just want to be a balloon for once. And I’d rather get popped and discarded on the side of the road than listen to you interpret things about me that I’m so obviously not.

So shut up and enjoy your cartoons, kiddo, and try not to read too deep into it. You’ll get static in your hair and neither of us want that. Well, except for me that is.