The following quote is from Alexander Solzhenitsyn – a survivor of the Soviet gulags, from a speech made in 1993 titled, “We Have Ceased to See the Purpose.”

“No, all hope cannot be pinned on science, technology or economic growth. The victory of technological civilization has also instilled in us a spiritual insecurity. It’s gifts enrich and enslave us as well. All is interests, we must not neglect our interests, all is a struggle for material things; but an inner voice tells us that we have lost something pure, elevated and fragile. We have ceased to see the purpose. Let us admit, even if in a whisper and only to ourselves: in this hustle of life at breakneck speed – what are we living for?”

This musing is quite poignant in light of the recent and tragic passing of both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I must admit to not knowing the work of either, but their passing led me to question why humans get to such a dark place that they see it fit to take their own lives. At this point I would like to make it clear that I usually use humour to deal with negative things when writing, but due to the extremely sensitive nature of the subject today, and my own low level of skill while writing about difficult issues, I will not be using humour today. I have not contemplated suicide, I can count myself lucky to have only had some really dark days, that’s all. My lack of knowledge on such a serious issue have pushed me to learn about the dark tragedies of the human spirit.

The answer to why humans reach this mental state is not a simple one, that goes without saying. Every individual has their own set of individual circumstances that leads to their death. Both Bourdain and Spade are unfortunate examples of this, Spade had bipolar disorder, which increases the risk of suicide twentyfold, Bourdain, it seems, struggled with an ‘existential vacuum,’ having previously experimented with drugs and regularly consuming alcohol (neither were seen to cause his death, but both lie in his past). The fact of the matter is that neither Spade’s bipolar disorder, nor Bourdain’s substance use are the direct cause of their death, but are just one contributing factor to it.

Having read many harrowing accounts of people that have survived suicide attempts, there was one particular account that stuck with me. The survivor (anonymous) says the following,

“I attempted suicide at 19. I think the hardest thing for non-suicidal people to understand is that a lot of suicidal people don’t want to kill themselves, they just want to stop existing.

Actually going through the steps of writing a note and taking the pills was extremely difficult and all I kept thinking the whole time was that it would be so much easier if I could just fall asleep and never wake up. It was *scary* to think that I was potentially killing myself whereas a death I couldn’t control or had less control over would just…happen. Then there’s everyone and everything else to consider. I also have caught myself wishing many times that the whole world would end so that I could stop existing but then neither myself nor my loved ones would have to deal with the pain or miss out on a good life.

I found those things really hard to articulate at 19. It’s how a lot of depressed people feel.”

A few things struck me about this account. A lot of suicidal people don’t want to kill themselves, they just want to stop existing. The question I posed at the start of this article is the wrong one, the question is not why people take their own lives, but why they wish to stop existing. That was a real eye opener for me, another being the age at which the survivor in question attempted suicide, just 19, just like me, right here right now. 19 years, and you’re done with existence, it’s too painful, or perhaps you feel as if your existence is a burden on others. The stark reality is, the way that the survivor articulated their experience, has parallels with my life, and I assume, yours too. I’ve had moments where I simply wished the ground would swallow me up, and my life and it’s associated problems would be gone. The parallel moments in the survivors life were either worse, or I suspect, their effect lingered far longer than those of my own. The constant burden of life’s problems causes people to wish the end of their existence.

One of the problems with the world, is that the world has so many damn problems. It’s a wonder Earth still rotates on a horizontal axis with the monumental amount of strife that exists here. What was once love at first sight can turn into a bitter and miserable forever, you could be born into abject poverty or live in absolutely unrelenting war, you could even have a life threatning disease that makes every waking moment a living hell. These were the first three horrors of the world that came to mind, and believe it or not there are more, you could be chronically lonely, as I have briefly been, you could be trapped in a career you hate, with no opportunities for progression, your own daughter could vehemently hate you, and that sure as hell makes your life worse. Anthony Bourdain was looking for an escape from this sort of worldly strife (as was Kate Spade). Unfortunately, he couldn’t find this escape in alcohol or drugs, the effects of those wear off, their consequences linger on, along with the infinite amount of other struggles within one’s own life.

It may now be an appropriate time to return to the Solzhenitsyn quote above. Life is full of suffering that is often undeserved, as Solzhenitsyn full well knew. He was imprisoned in the Soviet gulags after returning from a prisoner of war camp in the aftermath of the Second World War, (which was quite the demonstrable indicator of the amount of suffering in the world as any) because dictator Josef Stalin felt that the returning soldiers were corrupted by the capitalist West. That’s not exactly the fairest reason to end up in a gulag, considering communism was supposed to promote equity. Quite remarkably, in my opinion, Solzhenitsyn took personal responsibility for the events that led to his abject circumstance. He made a full and honest inventory of where he had lied or done wrong in his own life – now documented in his bestselling book, “The Gulag Archipelago.” Horrific and undeserved as his surroundings were, Solzhenitsyn now had a purpose, and was determined not to let the mistakes of his past occur in his future, however uncertain that was. Little wonder then, that Solzhenitsyn outlasted the USSR itself, a society built on intimidation, fear and lies.

The world makes it really easy to become disillusioned with existence. When life gives you lemons, it’s really easy to throw your hands up and seriously question if existence is worthwhile, we’ve all been there, even if only for a few fleeting moments. For me, the story of Solzhenitsyn helps in understanding the colossal nature of misfortune and undeserved suffering that can manifest itself in people’s lives. Solzhenitsyn mentions purpose in the quote above because purpose served as a distraction for him among the suffering that he was surrounded by. Not wanting to exist equates with seeing no value in one’s own life, although no two cases of suicide are the same, our survivor above mentions that not wanting to exist occurs in a lot of and not all cases. Clear purpose in one’s own life can be the smallest thing to alleviate or distract from the suffering that also exists. By no means am I suggesting that purpose is the magical cure for people who are suicidal, I am stupid enough to not be able to do that, but not stupid enough to suggest it as the cure anyway.

But purpose might help. Even marginally. I’ve attempted, most likely unsuccessfully, in this article, to weave together stories that show why I think that purpose could help people that are disillusioned with the suffering of the world. If you know that the darkest possible nihilistic valuelessness of your own life can exist, then perhaps a life with meaning, that you can plan, think about and aim for, can also exist, and it can bring some good to a world that is already full of enough suffering as it is.

Perhaps, that’s what we’re living for…