We tend to speak of the cycle of violence and abuse as if it were a constantly turbulent system, but we rarely discuss the routine that makes it easier to stay in an abusive relationship, the mind game that soothes the volatile system into manageability. The wheel of violence and abuse shows the cycle concisely, but too narrowly. The wheel shows the cycle as a rolling circle of abuse, honeymoon, tension-building, abuse, honeymoon, tension-building, abuse -- visually repeated infinite times with arrows circling around the wheel until we say to ourselves, "I get it! It's so simple." But then we feel shocked that victims of abuse don't just leave. After all, the wheel makes the cycle of violence and abuse so transparent that victims 'should be able to leave.' Despite its powerful (and necessary) message, the wheel simply cannot tell the whole story.

Danger lies in believing that the wheel tells the entire story of domestic violence and abuse. The lucky ones, the outsiders who do not face abuse in their homes, see the simplicity of the wheel and imagine the cycle spinning as clearly as the simple chart lays it out. It is no surprise they wonder why abuse victims don't quickly get it and get out. After all, we can see right there on the chart the undeniable nature of the cycle of violence and abuse. Surely the victims can see the truth too. The visually simplistic aspect of the wheel maintains the idea that victims of abuse must be stupid, asking for it or enjoy the abuse to stay with their abusive partner.

To be clear, the wheel is a valuable tool for those living the cycle of violence and abuse. It accurately portrays the cycle within which victims find themselves inexplicably stuck. However, the wheel cannot explain why people stay within the abusive relationship. It is dangerous to leave out the whys because society's contempt and misunderstanding for the victims results in lack of resources for both victim and abuser.

The Cycle of Violence Spins Unpredictably

The cycle could spin extraordinarily quickly as the wheel implies. One day could hold multiple episodes of tension building, pain and apology. However, days like that tend to be rare because they emotionally (and sometimes physically) exhaust both victim and abuser. It feels as emotionally draining to abuse someone into submission as it feels to fight one's way out of the abuser's web. After 24 hours of giving and receiving abuse, making up and making promises provides a welcome respite for both parties. Typically, days like that act as a "blatantly abusive episode" instead of a normal day in an abusive relationship.

On the other hand, the cycle of abuse could spin very slowly, and years may pass between "blatantly abusive episodes." These slow-brewing cycles make it very difficult for an abuse victim to recognize their partner as an abuser and themselves as a victim of recurring abuse. It becomes more difficult for a victim to define the relationship as abusive when:

blatantly abusive episodes occur infrequently, and/or

physical violence doesn't seem to occur at all.

Slow cycles do not lend themselves to television dramas or movies, especially if the abuser avoids (or avoids leaving marks from) physical violence.

The cycle mutates depending on the immediacy of the abuser's perceived need to regain control of their victim (and therefore, themselves). The cycle spins fastest and most painfully when the abuser perceives an immediate threat to his or her control. When the abuser feels in control and comfortable for a time, he or she doles out maintenance doses of abuse to reassure them of their control and remind their victim that life could get really bad really fast if the victim makes a mistake. Maintenance periods, the times of slow cycling, define a term not often seen on the wheel: "the routine."

The routine makes staying in an abusive relationship manageable, and is one part of the answer to "why do they stay?"

Next week, we'll talk about the dynamics of the the routine in hopes of understanding why people stay in abusive relationships, especially those relationships that span a decade or more.

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