9:55AM

Paul: Well, Tim Cook just posted this, which means that we’re done here today. Anil?

Anil: We were hoping to make jokes about Apple today, but I’m not sure we can be funnier than the tweets on Apple’s homepage.

Paul: Obviously it’s too late to apologize.

Anil: It’s too laaaaaaate.

10:05AM

Anil: First Transformers has half the movie take place in Beijing, now Apple tries to promote its incoherent mishmash of moving metal parts in China, too. Plus, it’s great of Apple to open with a movie featuring the only people of color we’ll see onstage today. Plus, the ultra-strong floor material is perfectly silent, so you can’t hear any of the Chinese workers whose backs the store rests on.

10:10AM

Anil: Did you pick Time Warner as the first global corporation which this audience would spontaneously applaud? You win a prize! The prize is: Capitalism!

Paul: People don’t know this but Game of Thrones is a metaphor for Apple’s production process.

Anil: At Apple, we know why you’re all here. You want to see MEDIA EXECUTIVES.

Paul: We used to have to kiss their ass. Now they stand in line to kiss ours. The media, ladies and gentlemen! Well, mostly gentlemen. Pretty much all gentlemen.

10:15AM

Paul: Amazing crowd reaction as people find out that Apple is partnering with a major global entertainment brand.

Anil: Apple TV brings you the anilingus scene from Girls in a lickable interface.

Paul: And $69! So that’s perfect.

Anil: Speaking of…

Paul: Turns out that they sold a lot of iPhones and people love them. Big news here today — oh, no, that was a setup for Apple Pay.

Anil: One of the most exciting things about “Apple Pay” is that it’s Pig Latin for “papple.”

Paul: If Apple can trot out this same stuff then we can trot out this image from the last liveblog.

Anil: One of the most exciting things about “CarPlay” is that it’s Pig Latin for “parkour”.

10:20AM

Exclusive! We have an image of Tyrion Lannister with a new Apple wearable.

Death by Apple TV

Paul: Oh man they’re announcing some health thing.

Anil: Not since IBM sold mainframes to the Nazis has a high tech company embraced medical data at this scale.

Paul: Won’t it be great when the largest company in the world knows about all of your life-long genetic conditions? Plus we’re going to measure every single aspect of all of human health. We’ll know how bald you are, your sperm count, and how many women you sleep with, as well as exactly how white you are. This truly will be health care for everyone.

Anil: We’ve been working with third-party partners to create an app that measures exactly how much time you spend on the toilet. It’s called Monument Valley.

Paul: Not enough time, honestly.

10:25AM

Paul: So they’re gonna track all your particulars and send ‘em to Mt. Sinai.

Anil: Actual quote, “Asthma: That’s just cool.”

Paul: Oof. Making fun of health stuff is hard.

Anil: Apple will not see your data. Only Redditors with sufficient upvotes can access private data on Apple’s cloud servers.

Paul: Nice of them to mention privacy. Also impressive that they know they can’t actually store your data reliably. In my opinion, not storing data is a HUGE opportunity for Apple.

10:30AM

Anil: It’s clear in retrospect that Obamacare was just lacking a nice launch video with an Explosions in the Sky soundtrack on it….“At Apple, we took a look at the fact that people are staring at their phones all day, and we thought… ‘what could make them even more intrusive?’”

Paul: Apple is going to open source something instead of just building their entire operating system ecosystem on top of open source with minimal contributions.

Anil: Good news — the project will be led by the same team that handled the open sourcing of FaceTime.

Paul: Looks like a notebook. Phil Schiller is definitely showing us a Macintosh notebook computer.

Anil: Here it is…Paul, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess they made something that’s thinner and lighter.

Paul: Vacuum? Ether? There’s no way this new operating system will work with anything in the past 10 years.

Anil: Oh god, it’s in gold.

Paul: Anil, it’s light and thin, and they had to reengineer everything to make that happen.

Anil: It took us 30 years to get back to making computers in a creepy shade of beige.

Paul: Why is everyone dressed the same color as the screen?

Anil: How did we make it so much thinner? We took out all the guts. It is empty.

10:35AM

Paul: Oh my god they’ve just thrown away the scissor mechanism which means that 100,000 dudes just became experts on keyboards.

Anil: Back when I was in college, I remember learning about the scissor mechanism and the butterfly mechanism. Ah, youth.

Paul: Anil, who can handle this shit any more? He’s lecturing us about individual pixels.

Anil: This new ultra-thin keyboard continues the ResearchKit tradition of conducting medical experiments on our users.

Paul: “This keyboard is so great, let’s look at each individual key.”

Anil: There are over 3 million pixels in the display, one for each insufferable post written about the screen’s resolution.

10:40AM

Paul: Oh cool, Apple can make surfaces stiffer or softer. That means that WWDC 2020 is going to be an erotic nightmare.

Anil: The new force sensors can actually detect the difference between your finger tapping and your forehead crashing violently onto your desk.

Paul: Here’s what this computer looks like inside. You’ll never be able to gain access to this part of the MacBook, so enjoy.

They’ve slimmed the MacBook beautifully

Anil: “Just like me, this MacBook doesn’t have any fans.”

Paul: “It’s so flexible. We’ve designed it with new Apple Bend technology, like the iPhone 6.”

Anil: When you want to get free of Apple’s crushing embrace, you call in an Airstrike.

Paul: Oh God, Anil! THEY KILLED MAGSAFE. It’s USB-C now.

Anil: You can connect power, VGA, and everything else through one single orifice. You can guess which one it is. And since it’s USB, getting connected is simple — just try to plug it in, fail, flip it over, try again, fail, flip it back over again, and boom. You’re done.

10:50AM

We wanted to see how close we could get to another version of the lightning cable, without actually being compatible with your existing cables.

Paul: A video. A British accent, Anil. It’s beginning. This is what Apple calls “Foreshadowing.”

Anil: We took all the arsenic out of our display glass, and include it in a vial in the package, in case you ever find yourself on a flight where the wifi doesn’t work.

Paul: Why do they love the northern lights so much? Wait, Jony Ive is saying the exact same thing as Phil Schiller but in a different accent.

Anil: It sounds like they keep saying the batteries are kept in a terrorist structure.

Paul: Well they are based on cell technology.

Paul: How did that video come off even more boring than the live Keynote presentation?

Anil: #IVE

Paul: Why is there still an air if the air is fatter?

Anil: It’s simple: The air is heavier than the nothing.

10:55AM

Paul: Well, it’s the watch.

Anil: Actual quote: “Apple: It’s not just with you, it’s on you.”

Paul: They got to the Apple Watch after only an hour. This truly is a new Apple.

Anil: Well, they have watches to help them keep on time now.

Paul: Wow, it really tells time. They didn’t budge at all on that. Which is impressive because the iPhone still can’t make phone calls.

Anil: What media conglomerate is revered by this crowd as much as Time Warner? Disney Marvel Lucas OmniCorp!

Paul: You can communicate more intimately than ever before.

Anil: Have you ever thought “I would pay thousands of dollars to get reminded more often about meetings at work?” Apple Watch is for you.

Paul: You can receive calls on your watch, which is paired to the supercomputer in your pocket.

Anil: Are you one of those folks who thinks, “I love phone calls and email!” Well, we’ve got ‘em!

Exclusive photos of the features that Apple Watch offers which have “never been done before

Paul: Awww, Tim Cook just said he hopes someone sends him their heartbeat. ☹

Anil: No, he means he wants somebody’s heartbeat like Jobs got somebody’s liver.

It’s like a coach on your wrist!

11:00AM

Paul: Oh God, Anil. Christy Turlington is running a marathon with an Apple Watch in Africa.

Anil: Hey, more people of color!

Paul: I guess there weren’t any in California. I mean this is a good charity and I guess it’s good it gets lots of attention?

Anil: Guess there weren’t any marathons in California either. Also, for the same $5000 you pay for an Apple Watch Special Edition, you can educate 30 girls in a village about their sexual & reproductive health & rights.

11:05AM

Paul: Oh, Christy Turlington is here from Africa. Well, at least it’s not U2.

Anil: Biggest news today: Apple is launching a blog on their site. LOOK OUT BUZZFEED

Paul: This performance is…unwatchable.

11:10AM

Paul: They just invited Dave Barry to the stage?

Anil: Lots of Duke fans in the audience, who will maybe be disappointed to find out that this watch can be used to remind you about the Muslim call to prayer.

Paul: This is a very interesting remote control to power a phone.

Anil insisted we add this image.

Paul: All these guys have a lot of friends in China.

11:15AM

Anil: With Apple Pay on Apple Watch, you can have money spraying out of your wrists without even being near a cash register. Innovation!

Paul: I’m really impressed at the way that this product pays tribute to the innovative design that Google has done in the last few years.

Anil: So great to look at photos the size of a postage stamp on your wrist, since this device requires you to have a giant iPhone in your pocket.

Paul: Plus you get to recharge two things.

Apple adds another member to the lilac mafia.

11:20AM

Anil: We’ve brought the magic of QR codes perilously close to the place where you would slit your wrists.

Paul: The watch works as a hotel key. The number one fan of this watch will be lawyers, who will use the data in divorce proceedings.

Anil: Sending virtual, sketched flowers on Apple watch is a really realistic experience because the lifespan on these watches is about the same as cut flowers.

Paul: My god, they’re inside the house now. Opening the garage door.

Anil: Finally! The same company that knows who you’re messaging, when you use Tinder, and when your heart rate goes up can also track when you enter hotel rooms!

Paul: Oh cool, he can watch his children from his wrist.

Anil: We have invented the world’s most costly garage door opener. Next, we hope to reinvent the back scratcher.

11:25AM

Paul: A watch with a day of battery life! Well, 18 hours. So one factory shift at FoxConn.

Anil: Have you ever thought, “I’d like to have to remember my iTunes password each time I open my garage door.”

Paul: Can you just imagine the way that Jony Ive is sort of seething uncontrollably somewhere right now?

Anil: It’s been about 80 years since people have worried whether their watch battery would last through a single day.

Paul: But Apple is changing all that.

11:30AM

Paul: This is like watching a training film for factory workers. Literally no one cares about this level of industrial process other than Jony Ive.

Anil: Are you ready for some SUPPLLLYYYY CHAAAAAIIN POOOORRRNNN???

Paul: This watch-style remote control for your iPhone is made out of some amazing materia — OH GOD ANOTHER VIDEO. Jony Ive is talking about stainless steel. We are watching molten steel.

Anil: This could be a video about a mixing bowl, so far.

Paul: Given how influenced he is by Dieter Rams, Jony Ive shouldn’t use the word “forging” so often.

Anil: I wish we could just get closer to the innards of this watch.

Paul: Also, I haven’t seen this much rotating metal since the Def Leppard Hysteria World Tour.

11:35AM

Anil: This is the best Apple peripheral since the LaserWriter, for sure.

Paul: I’m relieved there’s a $10,000 version so we can finally stop pretending that the technology industry is a meritocracy interested in empowerment.

Anil: I’m just excited somebody is finally making really costly watches for incredibly wealthy people.

Paul: Everyone is clapping for the watch team, so clapping is probably an approved activity for Apple Watch users. And that’s that. Well Anil and Al, this one was pretty well-run. Any parting shots?

Anil: I think the story here is pretty profound. Anybody who has $600 to spend on a smartphone, and then another $10,000 to spend on a smart watch, can have access to better health, more fulfilling work, and a lot more fun. Only technology makes that possible. Only the richest company in the history of the world can deliver that.

Paul: Al?

Paul: We’re done here, thanks.