Good news, anxious Republican patriots, ye of the most uneasy grasp on reality, on love, on science and sex, society and culture and human existence as we know it…

You have not been forgotten. You have not been forsaken amidst the current Sturm und Drang of this madcap election cycle, despite how Trump is feasting like a mangy hyena upon the brittle bones of the GOP you once knew, despite how the national Republican platform is stuck in a kind of gruesome stasis, waiting to see what sort of fantastical horrors the election brings.

Rest assured: Horrors they will be, and very well deserved indeed.

But worry not, ultra-conservative science-denying sexist anti-choice gunslinger! There is a place for you still.

It’s a place where the men are men (but not really), Muslims are beaten and/or deported, blacks are racially profiled, women and gays are demeaned and abolished, science is mocked, the environment is raped on a daily basis and you can still shoot an endangered animal with your big, phallic assault rifle, the one you bought with real gold bullion, the only “true” U.S. currency, next to porn and OxyContin and beer.

What is this oasis of psychotic awesomeness, you ask? Why, it’s none other than the official 2016 platform of the Republican Party of Texas, of course.

The Texas GOP! It’s like a 5-year-old’s hysterical spitball of a totalitarian cowboy Disneyland, a sexually panicky place where everyone struts around in American flag bandanas shooting white tigers and dragging women by their hair and blasting a million tons of carbon dioxide straight into Jesus’ mouth. In a totally non-gay way, of course.

The official Texas GOP platform is, it must be said, sort of glorious in its flagrant disregard for anything resembling coherence or grown-up thinking. All the classic hits are still here, with a few fresh flourishes for 2016, mostly having to do with – can you guess? – Muslims. And public restrooms. Obvs.

Shut down the Federal Reserve! Return to the gold standard! Make English the official language of the USA! Benghazi needs another investigative committee, because the first seven were clearly sniffing glue.

And of course, homosexuality is a repellant “chosen behavior” that should be eradicated, per God’s wishes and never you mind all those homosexual animals and never you mind that the grammar of the anti-gay item itself delightfully suggests that homosexuality is actually, um, “shared by the majority of Texans.” Whoops. Grammar is so elitist.

84. Homosexuality is a chosen behavior contrary to the fundamental unchanging truths that have been ordained by God in the Bible, recognized by our nation’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable alternative lifestyle, in public policy, nor should family be redefined to include homosexual couples. We oppose the granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin. We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values.

Thing is, the Texas platform has always been a laughable hate-read (its core set of boilerplate nonsense hasn’t changed much since Bush 43), but it’s also a veritable case study in how to fear and loathe the vast, radiant spectrum of human existence, given that it believes racial profiling is necessary, science is a scam, US borders should have bigger walls, women should not serve in combat, refugees do not deserve our help, abortion is evil, abstinence education should still be taught, health care is for the rich, Christmas is under attack and – new for 2016! – gender weirdos should be banned from public bathrooms. Because that sh-t is important.

What’s that? You want to shoot a bald eagle, patriotic Texan? Go for it, macho man.

After all, Texas is the land of private game reserves, unholy places where grossly entitled males like Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia went on drunken “canned hunts” to shoot pheasant and lawyers and exotic animals from the privacy of their own chauffeured Mercedes 4x4s.

Translation: Of course the Texas GOP wants to repeal the Endangered Species Act – which, until 10 years ago, had listed the bald eagle as a protected creature, driven nearly to extinction through a combination of illegal shooting, DDT and habitat destruction.

Good news! The bald eagle is now flourishing, ready once again to be shot and munched on for breakfast should you so desire, Texas Republican. All thanks to – you guessed it – the Endangered Species Act – and the Environmental Protection Agency, which banned the lethal DDT. Official platform of the Texas GOP? Abolish both agencies – and about 15 more, including the IRS and the Departments of Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development, Commerce, Health and Human Services, Labor, the Bureau of Land Management, Transportation Security Administration, Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and National Labor Relations Board.

Who needs ’em? Let those stupid animals protect themselves, amirite? And let Americans figure out for themselves which chemicals, pollutants and additives will kill them. That’s why God invented cancer and heart disease and birth defects.

It’s sort of dizzying, really, and far too much to summarize here without more whisky and a fistful of Xanax and a deep apology to Austin and much of liberal Dallas and of course Houston, with your openly lesbian mayor. Because the truth is, huge portions of Texas – mostly the liberal, educated urban centers – want nothing to do with their knuckle-dragging Tea Party breathren. Hey, we all have that creepy, racist uncle in the family, right? Texas just made a whole political party out if him.

Simply know this: If you really wish to learn how to foist vast amounts of odium upon your fellow man, if you really want to feel your genitalia clench into a thundering knot of psychotic pseudo-Americana, or if you happen to think Trump’s plan to turn America into a razor-wired, booby-trapped suburb of North Korea is “sort of boring,” there’s a document you simply must read.

Don’t forget your bandana.