1. The Detroit Pistons Great Players Are All Laboratory Clones

Tell me if this team sounds familiar: speedy score first guard (Isiah Thomas, Rip Hamilton, Reggie Jackson), versatile midsize wing, (Adrian Dantley, Tayshaun Prince, Tobias Harris), undersized defensive enforcer (Dennis Rodman, Rasheed Wallace, Avery Bradley), incredibly efficient shooter (Joe Dumars, Chauncey Billups), and tall rebounding specialist (Bill Laimbeer, Ben Wallace, Andre Drummond). It’s too coincidental for the Pistons to not be trying to make exact replicas of the first team that brought them success. Sadly for the Pistons, when they tried cloning Dumars’ efficient shooting ability into Stanley Johnson, their process backfired spectacularly. Since the cloning procedure takes 14 years each time to complete, the front office decided to scrap the idea of developing a new clone and instead transferred some of Dumars’ DNA into Drummond giving him better shooting abilities as a result.

2. Drummond Used Magic to Sap Lonzo Ball’s Shooting Ability During Summer League

A source of a source of a source close to ESPN reporter Chris Brossard stated to me that a tall 7 foot figure wearing a hoodie to hide his appearance was at every single Los Angeles Lakers summer league game. The figure there had been “observing” 19 year old rookie Michael Cart… Lonzo Ball. When Ball’s father Lavar questioned the figure about his identity, the figure simply stated “I’m a big baller” which prompted a nod of approval from Lavar and caused him to drop all suspicion on the matter. Lonzo this season is shooting an abysmal 43% from the free throw line, a score lower than Javale McGee’s High School grades. This after shooting 67% at UCLA has me suspicious of some behind the scenes sorcery.

3. Andre Drummond This Year Is Actually Steve Blake in a Bodysuit and Stilts

In the middle of the 2015-2016 season, the Pistons made a trade to acquire veteran Steve Blake presumably to replace 3rd string point guard “Cash Considerations” who had been underperforming. When the season ended, Blake reportedly left to play overseas in Australia and had since never been heard from again. It seems that the 37 year old’s 13 year NBA career had finally come to an end… or had it? Reporters say Coach Stan Van Gundy would sometimes be spotted last year talking to a man with a rescinding hairline outside of the team’s practice facility. When asked who the man was, Van Gundy simply stated, “That’s my brother Jeff asking what version of Rogaine I use”. A likely story, but we can’t rule out the Drummond body suit. It’s just the sort of thing Steve Blake would do.

4. Boban Marjonvich Stole Greg Popovich’s Secret Elixir and Gave It to Drummond

When Boban Marjonvich signed with the Detroit Pistons last year, he brought more than just his world class team spirit. For the past 6 seasons, the San Antonio Spurs have always ranked in the top 10 in Free Throw Percentage. Rumors say this is due to Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich first deciding to invent an elixir back in 2012 to fix Richard Jefferson’s shooting woes. Jefferson’s free throw percentage at the time had been declining faster than the value of his contract. R.C. Buford managed to perform a miracle that season trading Jefferson to the Warriors but Popovich kept the elixir to help his team’s future success. Before arriving to Detroit, Marjonvich stole some of the elixir from Popovich but kept it secret from the rest of the team in hopes of becoming the starting center last season. He soon realized this was a fruitless pursuit as the Pistons always keep at least 15 power forwards and centers on their roster. So in traditional Spurs fashion, Marjonvich selflessly shared the elixir with Drummond this season.

*All Actual Information if any from wikipedia.org

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