In the early days after D-Day, caught up in the Pick Me Dance, chumps have a tendency to romanticize cheaters’ affairs and the affair partners. Part of that is on the cheater, goading the chump to greater feats of humiliation to prove their worth. Have I mentioned Pamela’s firm bottom? It’s so much better than yours. And part of it is the chump, in it to win it. I WILL MAKE YOU LOVE ME!

Of course you can’t compete with a fantasy. Cheaters never have to adult with each other. It’s just salmon dinners and clandestine fucking. You’re the obstacle to the happiness of stolen hours spent fucking and dining. You there, paying bills, rocking babies, and cleaning out lint filters. How could you hope to be as fabulous?

You fail to understand their sophistication, you with your monogamy hang-ups. The heart wants what the heart wants. Life’s not so “black and white.” Run along and be a good chump and go pack a lunch or something.

Chumps often internalize this mindfuck. Feel frumpy and less than. We imagine all the Fabulous Fucking and perfectly poached salmon.

But think about it. What happens when you remove yourself from the triangle (hexagon, dodecahedron…) and the two Schmoopies are left with one another? Adulting is required. WHO WILL DO IT?

What you imagine: Perfect Christmases at Chez Schmoopie. The children in handknit sweaters, crooning Christmas carols, receiving perfect gifts selected for them.

What it really is: Chicken nuggets shaken out of a bag for dinner, unkempt children plopped in front of cartoons, while Aunt Hazel regals everyone with her views on welfare cheats and the Gold Standard.

Cheaters win turds. Their lives are never as enviable as you might imagine. Sure, they have escaped with half your pension, and go on more cruises than you do (no adulting at sea! plus buffets!) — but I guarantee they’re still the same crappy people making crappy life choices.

Your Friday challenge today is to tell me What You Imagined versus What It Is (or suspect it will be, based on your knowledge of this person). Bring it!

And TGIF!

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