Ann Coulter, a self-proclaimed “David Koch stalker,” visited the National Press Club yesterday evening to discuss her newest anti-immigrant treatise “Adios, America: The Left’s Plan to Turn Our Country into a Third World Hellhole.” It is important to note, as Coulter made sure to clarify, that this book is predominantly about the danger legal immigrants pose to the future safety and success of America.

Unlike the African American community, of which Coulter claimed to be an honorary part of, Americans “don’t owe anything to people who got here yesterday” or “the lesbian who wants to take her date to the prom.” Apparently, cases of prejudice against legal immigration and gays “are not civil rights” and should not be treated as such.

Coulter unveiled a new method of deciding which immigrants are let into America, which she titled the “Tinder method.” Tinder is a dating application in which users swipe right if they like the photograph of another user and left if they do not. Using this swipe right, swipe left method, Coulter claimed she could decide “like that” *finger snap* who she would let into the country “before breakfast.” All she would need is an individual’s “height, age, and nationality,” although she could really “decide just based on looks.” She would not even need to look at individuals from “primitive cultures” like “Iraq and Pakistan.” “Let’s not take a chance on Omar,” she chided. Supposedly, this method would solve all “9/11 hijacker” problems.

When questioned by a supportive audience member about how to solve the problem of foreigners overstaying their tourist visas, Coulter had an even better method than immigrant Tinder: “Death penalty,” she proclaimed to a room full of clapping and laughter.

It is very clear why liberals support immigration, reasoned Coulter, because they are “aborting all their kids or going gay so they can’t keep up” with conservatives who are “pumping out kids” who will turn into GOP voters. Ah, it all makes sense now!

Coulter, who is just doing her best to “save America,” vowed to “put on a bikini and go to Texas and get a cop to yell at her” so she can “get her message on the news.” Now that’s a true patriot.