Title: Shivers #8 – Terror on Troll Mountain Author: M.D. Spenser Cover Artist: Eddie Roseboom

Introduction

I have made a grave mistake! I’ve set the bar too high. My first review featured an $800 book… How can I possibly top that? …Wait! I have an idea…

Ladies and gentlemen, stick around to the end of this review to watch me jump a terrifying shark.

Update: At some point between starting this review and now, someone stole the wheels off my bike. That is not a joke. I had a whole bit planned where I was going to jump over a toy shark, too.

But let’s not dwell on that. Let’s think about simpler times. I remember owning Terror on Troll Mountain when I was younger. Strangely, I donated the book without ever reading it. When I saw it turn up at a bookstore, I had to get it. I had to finally know what lurked between its covers. For better or for worse, I wasn’t disappointed.

Story review

Paul Alberti is sitting in the back seat of a car, getting sicker and sicker by the moment. It is a hot summer day, and he is on a trip to his father’s home town of Pinzolo, Italy.

“[W]hich is pronounced PEEN-so-low.”

Thanks, book. Meanwhile, Paul’s dad makes fun of how much Paul ate. According to the book, this is something Mr. Alberti does regularly. I fully expected this to foreshadow something. But no. Speaking of things that aren’t foreshadowing, the book spends two paragraphs describing how big Paul’s feet are. Suddenly, the car Paul’s in goes careening off a cliff! But it’s just a dream, and the car is fine. The book doesn’t specify how much of the intro was a dream. Was Paul ever genuinely road-sick? Did Paul’s dad actually bully him? Were my bike tires really stolen? Oh, wait. The horror of real life is seeping in.

After making it to Pinzolo, Paul is greeted by a slew of relatives he doesn’t really know. Being a curious boy, Paul goes exploring. As told on page thirteen, Paul is so curious, he once ate cat food to see what it’d taste like. If you’re like me, you may be starting to suspect that Paul is a strange kid.

Our hero wanders into the woods in search of mushrooms. He fantasizes about bringing some mushrooms home and being the hero of his family’s dinner. As Paul hunts, he is jumpscared by a cow. He proceeds to have a conversation with his newfound, bovine companion. After this, Paul stumbles across an entire herd of cows! So many potential friends. Paul takes a seat. As he sits, a hairy hand reaches out from behind him and grabs his shoulder. Paul runs away frantically. He gets back to Pinzolo and tells his family all that’s happened, but they laugh at him! They all tell him the bushy hand he encountered earlier belonged to old Italo, a hairy cow farmer. Paul’s family also mentions “the Orco,” a giant troll that supposedly lives out in the woods. Paul’s uncle tells him that the only way to scare off the Orco is by throwing a wedding ring at it. Sorry, singles, you’re monster food.

I would like to take this moment to inform you that the cliffhanger between chapters 9 and 10 hinges on the threatening possibility that one of Paul’s elderly, distant relatives will kiss him goodbye.

Paul and his cousin, Anthony, go exploring together. They visit a graveyard and determine that it will be a great spot to play tag. (Now, I’ve never been to Italy, so I don’t know whether or not playing tag in a graveyard is considered disrespectful over there. If I ever go there, this book will have to suffice as my travel guide.) The boys bump into old Italo, and Anthony greets him in Italian. After a small chat, Anthony learns that Italo has never seen Paul before. Then who was hand? Paul is convinced that he encountered the Orco earlier, but his cousin is unconvinced. Anthony doesn’t believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, or Super—Oh dear. What have I done? I musn’t think about that.

Together, the cousins go Orco hunting, and marine conservationists temporarily panic. Anthony reveals that he stole his grandmother’s wedding ring, and he gives it to Paul for safekeeping. The duo happens upon a cabin in the woods, which they decide to enter. The boys’ snooping is cut short when the ground begins quaking. Realizing that trouble is on its way, our twosome decides that they need to escape. Paul alley-oops his cousin through the cabin’s window, but loses his glasses in the process. Before Paul can retrieve his specs, he notices an entity looming in the doorway. Paul can’t see the being very clearly, but he can make out certain details. For one, it’s big. It also seems to have some sort of pouch around its waist.

Paul’s point of view.

Paul tosses his grandmother’s ring at the being, but this only makes it upset. Anthony returns and throws a smoke bomb at the figure in the doorway, allowing Paul to escape. The boys run home and tell their family what happened. Mr. Alberti accuses the boys of making up stories to excuse the loss of their grandmother’s ring. Here’s an idea: if you don’t want your kids to go around throwing away expensive rings, DON’T LET YOUR FAMILY TELL THEM THAT THROWING EXPENSIVE RINGS IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM MONSTERS. Mr. Alberti takes the boys back to the cabin, but they don’t find any rings.

Paulamus and Anthisbe are forbidden from meeting, but they communicate in secret. The duo concludes that, if they ever want their family to forgive them, they will have to find their grandmother’s ring. The boys head out to the mountains once more, and Paul makes sure to take his trusty camera. The duo’s exploration is interrupted when they begin squabbling. This causes an avalanche. This book takes place during the summer. It says so on page five. Plus, Pinzolo is a real place, so you can find images of what the nearby mountains look like during the summer. You will likely notice the lack of snow. I did some research, and I learned that some of the nearby mountains can have snow at their summits year-round, but there probably wouldn’t be enough for a full-scale avalanche.

Paul manages to get up, but he is attacked by the Orco. Anthony jumps out and he begins throwing snowballs at the monster. Anthony calls the creature an “ugly kitty,” and Paul decides that it’s as good a time as any to correct Anthony’s broken English. Once he’s done being pedantic, Paul uses his camera’s flash function to scare the creature off a cliff. Before it falls to its demise, Anthony and Paul grab its pouch, hoping that the ring will be inside.

The boys rush home and dump out the contents of the bag. Inside, they find a bunch of mushrooms. (Paul should feel bad about killing the Orco. After all, the two of them had so much in common. They both enjoyed exploring the mountains. They both loved collecting mushrooms. They both had huge feet. And I’m sure that the Orco talked to cows when he was lonely, too.) Amid the fungi, the boys find their grandmother’s ring. The duo returns the wedding band, but they decide they will need to come up with a boring story about how they found it—something that their parents will believe. Anthony says that he can’t wait to visit Chicago, Paul’s hometown, next summer. I suppose this ends the book on a relatively sweet note.

The verdict

Let’s have a quick compilation of some of the strange things that Paul does or has done.

He pats his stomach for good luck.



He talks to cows.



He’s eaten cat food.



He once pretended to be blind and fell down a flight of stairs.

Paul is unquestionably strange. Yet, by the end of this story, Paul somehow manages to become an endearing character, perhaps simply by merit of naïveté.

This book may not have delivered shivers, but it gave me a chuckle or two. At least it didn’t overstay its welcome. I sure am glad the story concluded when it did— Hold on. I’ve just received breaking news. Terror on Troll Mountain has an obscure sequel called Shriek Home Chicago. And it costs $16 on Amazon! Now I really am scared.

What will next week’s review be? Will Paz ever jump the shark? Will our tire thief ever face justice? Only time will tell. Tune in next time to see the epic continuation!

Best quote