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Scientific thinker and Counsel To The President Kellyanne Conway has a message for teens and college kids about drugs, and it’s leagues dumber than “Just say no.”


Blabbering her maw at a conference on millennials and drug use, Conway chose the moment to unveil her silver-bullet plan for combatting the opioid epidemic, which is estimated to claim the lives of 116 Americans each day. I’m going to include the full quote as reported by The Hill, in the fairness of offering full context, and because it’s important to follow her complex train of thought:

“On our college campuses, your folks are reading the labels, won’t put any sugar in their body, they don’t eat carbs anymore, and they’re very, very fastidious about what goes into their body—and then you buy a street drug for $5 or $10 and it’s laced with fentanyl, and that’s it,” Conway said. “My short advice is, as somebody double your age, eat the ice cream, have the French fry, don’t buy the street drug. Believe me, it all works out.”


It all works out! Pack it up, drug symposiums and researchers and public-health officials, let’s just up that ice cream budget and solve this crisis once and for all. This should also come as welcome news for chronic pain sufferers, who will be relieved to find they needn’t take prescription opioids for pain when they could instead just rub a French fry on what hurts.