Sorry Liberals, There Are Only Two Genres

I’m so sick of all the social justice warriors out there peddling their bullshit about there being a whole spectrum of musical genres. These snowflakes need to just accept the SCIENCE FACT: There are only two genres, and they are classic rock and alternative rock.

Sorry liberals, but that’s just the way things work! All bands are born with the musical stylings of either a rock band from the 1960s to the 1980s or a rock band from the 1990s and onward.

I know a LOT about music and I’ve seen a ton of bands live. This list includes, but is not limited to: Weezer, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Rolling Stones, Radiohead, and Rush. So if there was something called, “jazz” music like all you Tumblrina feminists keep insisting, don’t you think I would have seen it by now?

When it comes down to it, I live by this motto: If I haven’t personally experienced something, then it does not exist. That’s called science and it’s the same reason that ever since a camping trip I took last year I know Bigfoot IS REAL.

My experiences are similar to everyone else’s I’m sure, because I live a very standard life. I grew up in a nice suburb, and no it wasn’t, “all white,” Danny Tozawa was in my 8th grade class and he was Chinese or something, and now I go to decent private university studying business. In other words, from Billy Joel, to Dave Matthews Band, all the way to Phish — I’ve seen it all!

You simply can’t argue with science to fit your liberal agenda. So bands like Daft Punk, Katy Perry, and Hamilton: The Musical need to STOP disgustingly pretending to be these made up genres and be either alt-rock or classic rock like they were BORN to be.

Related: If I’m Such a Racist Then Why Do I Have So Many Prepared Responses to Deny It?

I don’t care how catchy they are. I don’t care about the tears welling in my eyes as I listen to them. I don’t care about how they feel like an ocean breeze is hitting my face for the first time. It’s still rock ‘n’ roll to me.

My whole life, I have invested my personality in the idea that I like classic rock and I like alternative rock. So if that’s not true — if I somehow messed that up — then what the hell am I?

I’ll tell you what I am, a guy who just scored tickets to see one of the most original, genre-bending bands of all time tonight: Pearl Jam.

Let us know in the comments below what YOUR favorite musical genre is, whether it’s alt-rock or classic rock.