What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Not ever having to fill out this questionnaire. What is your greatest fear?

You think I’m going to tell you that? You think I’m going to let you print my greatest fear in a national magazine? No sir. I will not, sir. Which living person do you most admire?

The guy I saw yesterday. He was crossing Eighth Avenue against the light. He just sauntered out into the middle of the street with cars and cabs speeding toward him and it meant nothing to him. Like he’s the only living soul and the rest of us were ghosts. I love that man, whoever he is. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I have an absolutely beautiful penis. It’s stunning in every way. God I hate my perfect penis. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

People who say someone is really intelligent because he doesn’t swear. Or use “foul language.” What do you dislike most about your appearance?

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, “You hips. You hips need to get it together.” What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My God. What a personal question. Who is this? When and where were you happiest?

I got Luis Tiant’s autograph at a paint store when I was nine years old. Some local paint store hired him to sit at a table for a day and autograph these leaflets advertising their special prices on paints. He looked miserable. I remember thinking, This is the best moment of my entire life and the worst moment of his. Luis Tiant was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, by the way. Which talent would you most like to have?

I wish I could draw. I can’t make a thing in my mind go on paper. I draw like a child. Like a heavily beaten and molested child. Who can’t draw. What is your current state of mind?

I’m sort of depressed, actually. I wish you hadn’t asked. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

It would be that I never agreed to fill out this fucking thing. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

Oh my God, you really want to hear some shit, don’t you? I’m not answering that. Who would answer that??? What do you consider your greatest achievement?

There’s this one girl in Oklahoma City. We had sex on New Year’s Eve. She was 19. I was about 23. She was way out of my league. Still can’t believe that one. I hope she’s O.K. now. If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

I mean, who has time to think about shit like this? I have two kids. I have shit to do. We have to find a middle school for next year. Shit is getting real. Who has time to think about what they want to do in their next life? What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Two nights ago. A hotel room in Portland, Maine. That’s right. Maine. Not Oregon. Maine. What is the quality you most like in a man?

Just please be fun to talk to. What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Same. And also sex, please. What do you most value in your friends?

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t. Who are your favorite writers?

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Nicolai Gogol, Richard Wright, John Steinbeck. Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Oh man, I haven’t read a book in a long time. Who are your heroes in real life?

I really love Barack Obama. Sorry if that’s like “Ew. The president. That’s lame.” I love Barack Obama. What a great man. I’m so lucky to have voted for that guy. What is it that you most dislike?

Really? After all that? After all those specific questions? You’re just gonna ask that? You seriously need to do some editing someday. How would you like to die?

Handcuffing myself to you and jumping into a cauldron of molten bronze. What is your motto?

Never, ever, ever again agree to do anything for any magazine ever.