Reader JOEUC writes:

Dear John, My grandmother is very old, her heart is failing, she can’t control her bowels much of the time, she claims her joints hurt all the time… etc… etc… She seems very much afraid… What should I do?

JOEUC, thanks for writing. You would be surprised by how many letters I receive each week asking for advice on elder care. I believe it is primarily because of my work around that other notoriously vulnerable population, vegans. As you may be aware, UC Davis is considered one of the top vegan-friendly campuses in the country by none other than PETA, which coincidentally was my father’s name (a little Boston humor there, ha ha). But seriously those fur-hugging clowns threw paint on a favorite Aunt once as she left church in a rather elegant fox-head shawl, and since that day I’ve never been very comfortable around foxes, paint or my aunt. All this is a long way of saying that like vegans, senior citizens are often confused, weak (iron deficient) and jumpy. I would suggest taking advantage of this with random, unannounced pepper sprayings until her eyes bleed. People think it’s best not to stress the elderly but I promise you she will never be more excited about what little life she has in those crumbling bones than after she survives a random, merciless pepper spraying (until her eyes bleed). There is always the chance that she will fold under the excitement of it all, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Really, what do you have to lose (besides a grandmother, ha ha).

Hope this was helpful. If not, take it up with my lawyer. No seriously I now have legal representation provided by the state, and if any problems arise from this column or any others I’m going to need you to talk directly with my lawyer, as I’ve been advised that continuing to blog could be detrimental to my case (you know the one).

Happy turkey day, gobble gobble,

– Lt. John Pike