People say that news these days is unexpected and baffling, but really could there be a more predictably 2019 story than “Donald Trump wants to buy Greenland”? It has all the boring trappings of a typical Trump story – gobsmacking ignorance, casual racism, colonialist attitudes towards the treatment of indigenous people, a cold-hearted, transactional view of human life, and ending with him calling a woman in power “nasty”. If the news were a binge-worthy drama, this would be a mid-series episode that The AV Club would rate C-: “a worryingly formulaic outing that makes you fear the writers have run out of ideas.”

The whole idea was a nonstarter anyway – Greenland is a proud, independent region. What kind of self-respecting island nation would willingly accept being purchased by the United States? If Trump wants to buy somewhere, he needs to find somewhere that’s been entirely stripped of pride, dignity and joy to the extent that it is now completely incapable of self-governance. A country so humiliated and degraded that it would happily grovel at the feet of an expansionist empire if it just promised the slightest iota of stability.

So why doesn’t Trump sack off Greenland and snap up the United Kingdom!

Location

Now, I understand you were initially looking to purchase somewhere in the Arctic Circle area, maybe Canada adjacent, and that Britain is a bit more of a commute than you were hoping for. But just think: every time you fly over to Britain, you’re burning more fossil fuels and melting a bit more arctic ice – and if you can’t buy Greenland, you might as well drown it. What Britain lacks in rich untapped natural resources, it more than makes up for in four-lane roundabouts and Westfield shopping centres. A lot of first-time buyers overlook Britain because it’s small, wet and currently going through a nationwide nervous breakdown, the scars of which may never fully heal. But hey, that just means it’s a bargain! What you really have to keep in mind is that we are truly, truly desperate. Don’t like the location? No problem! We’ll set up a bunch of heavy-duty outboard motors along the entire east coast of England, from Sunderland to Ipswich, and propel the entire island across the Atlantic Ocean. Sure, we’ll have to barrel through Ireland to get to you, but we’re almost positive they won’t mind. Don’t give them more than a second’s thought – we haven’t.

Lodgers

There are a few lodgers on the island at the moment, sure – 67,011,618, to be exact. Now, many pseudofascist demagogues looking to buy an island nation get a little nervous when they hear that figure. But don’t worry – they are surprisingly easy to distract. Sure, they may occasionally get a little worked up over the UK’s frequent human rights abuses, the total collapse of government in their country or the upcoming climate catastrophe, but they’re like magpies – just dangle something shiny in front of them and it should be fine. Earlier this year they totally forgot about Boris Johnson’s links to far-right figures such as Steve Bannon after being distracted with a story about how he likes to paint wine-boxes to look like buses, like some kind of alcoholic TFL conductor. Last month they were all upset about the prospect of no deal, but then that bizarre Cats trailer came out and that’s all they’ve talked about since. Seriously, any old nonsense works: get Arron Banks to verbally abuse a 16-year-old girl, have someone mention 30-50 wild hogs in their back garden, maybe even start a crazy rumour that the president of the United States wants to buy Greenland – they’ll lap it all up.

Current Condition

I’ll be honest with you: it’s a bit of a fixer-upper, this one. A couple of centuries ago the previous owners did a little extension into the north of the property, but to be frank that’s looking like it’ll collapse at any moment. The south-east of the property is really well-furnished – too well-furnished, really: all the floors are solid gold, all the counter tops are marble, and instead of loo roll, they use wafer-thin slices of foie gras and compacted caviar. It wouldn’t be a problem if the rest of the property wasn’t falling apart. But don’t worry – the current owners have a plan to fix this – they’re building a new high-speed stairlift to make it easier to get to the nice bit of the property even quicker, so that’s something.

Relationship with the Neighbours

We don’t want to talk about it.

The Hard Sell

Look, I can see you’re not exactly sold, so I can do you a deal – put in an offer, and we’ll throw in Jersey and Gibraltar for free. Think about that for a second – you’d have your own army of monkeys to do your bidding. Yes sir, you could definitely train one to attack Rosie O’Donnell.

Yes, of course, take your time obviously, but just to let you know, we have had a couple of other offers coming in as well – a lovely Saudi crown prince was sniffing around Kensington for a while, and Vladimir Putin was considering purchasing it so he could turn Cornwall into a reserve to hunt the deadliest game (man) …

Look, between you and me, the current owner really wants to shift it – they’re looking to flog it off and then move to somewhere sunny without a tax code or an extradition treaty, so they will consider any offer. Seriously. Any offer.

Season 8 of The Apprentice US on DVD and a bucket of chlorinated chicken? Sold.

• Jack Bernhardt is a comedy writer and occasional performer