Recent revelations have emerged after a dramatic rescue in Tennessee yesterday, when famous child catcher and knight of the realm Hans Bratch was retrieved from beyond a sump in Mill Pond, TN.

The world renowned diver was following one line and removing another, before losing the laid line, which forced him to continue into the cave and henceforth into an airbell.

The diver was stuck in the airbell for 22 hours, and was quoted by ABC news as saying: “The time underwater was not as good as the Thailand incident. We didn’t have nearly enough ketamine”.

Whilst originally assumed to be a simple mistake made commonly by such experienced divers, the Dankness Below staff have discovered from secret American Facebook groups that the rescue was a secret plot by the Global Underwater Explorers to make the UK based Cave Diving Group (of which Hans is a member) look worse.

Rumours have circulated that Jarrod Jablonski, founding member of GUE, was seen walking away from the Mill Pond with several hundreds of meters of line and some garden shears the night before. We must inform readers that this is only a rumour, as it is not clear how a GUE diver could manage this difficult dive.