“Gon, I need sugar,” Killua says, and Gon frowns down at the can in his hands. “Not fucking beans.” Gon had pulled the can of beans from the pantry and was observing the label. There are only random cans of unperishable food in here— not anything fit for a meal, or even a snack.

“But Killua, there’s no cookies or anything with sugar in here. Leorio must’ve eaten up the stock of Oreo’s, too.” Killua glowers at the bare shelves.

“That bitch.” Killua grinds his teeth together. “The only useful part of his personality is him having enough Oreo’s to survive a nuclear war. Now, what good qualities does he have left? Knowing how to shit before shaving, so the bathroom smells like aftershave and not freshly-ripped ass?”

Gon scolds him, and Killua mutters a “whatever,” followed by a string of muttering to himself.

Usually, Kurapika leaves Gon and Killua some leftovers in the fridge, to discourage them from cooking (as that would probably entail them having to remodel the kitchen.) However, for whatever reason, the fridge is bare today. Therefore, they must either find something in the pantry to blow up in the microwave or bust out the pots and pans.

“Ooh!” Killua extends his arms to grab a box on the shelf. “Cake mix!” He flips over the box to skim over what ingredients are needed. “I think we can make this. It’s not chocolate, it’s strawberry, but it’s sweet, and that’s good enough for me!”

Gon makes a face. “Hopefully we won’t get a stomachache.” Killua nudges him on the shoulder to reassure him.

“C’mon,” Killua sighs, “The sooner we get started the sooner we can eat.”

Killua and Gon both exchange glances. “Let’s channel our inner Martha Stewart,” Killua says.

“Didn’t she go to jail?” Gon asks.

“Shut up,” Killua replies.

Killua struts out into the middle of the kitchen, eyes scanning the ingredients needed. “Looks like we need eggs, water, and vegetable oil? The fuck? Why are we putting the extract of vegetables into a cake?” Killua mutters under his breath: “Psh. Vegans, I swear. Eat my ass. Bacon is the cuisine of choice. I don’t care if that shit was oinkin’ once. Bitch was stupid enough to get fat and then die.”

Gon shrugs his shoulders and shuffles over to the drawer on the bottom of the oven. “I think Kurapika keeps the pans in here.” He peers into the drawer and sees an array of pans and cookie sheets of all sizes. Some of them looked old— they were maybe even older than Leorio— so from the Dark Ages. “Yep!” Holds up a shallow baking pan. “Found them!”

Killua continues looking at the box, and Gon brings the pan to the sink, to assumedly rinse it— it might’ve been in there for a while.

Killua knows what 3 eggs are, but how the fuck is he supposed to measure... 1 and 1/4 of a cup of water? Just grab a cup, fill it, then fill it again, but less than half? Seems logical. He pulls a tall glass from the cabinet. In Leorio’s words, this set of glasses they have are his “oreo dippin’ slaves.” What a sick fuck.

Gon must be finished with the sink since he’s no longer there. Killua turns the faucet on and fills the glass to the brim. He realized he doesn’t know what to put the water in, and shuffles awkwardly in a half-circle.

“Uhhh...” Killua looks at Gon, who’s by the stove. He’s put the pan on the front left burner with the heat turned all the way up. The burner is red-hot already.

“Oh, you already put water in it.” The pan is about half-full. Killua scratches his head with his free hand and examines the glass he filled. “Eh, fuck it, I’ll try anything once.” He pours the rest of the glass into the pan.

“I think heating up the water will make the cake more melty!” Gon’s beaming from ear-to-ear. Killua looks visibly proud.

“Melty is the shit. I want the cake to taste like it’s been graced by the temple of Poseidon.”

“So, the water’s a good start?”

“Yeah, I would assume so.”

The water begins to bubble in the pan. Gon looks so proud at the fact that he’s successfully boiled water.

“Okay, that’s one step down,” Killua squints at the instructions on the box again. “Oh, yeah, we need 3 eggs.” Gon opens the refrigerator door and grabs three in one hand. One slips and cracks open on the floor.

“Gon, you’ve ruined our flawless execution of making this cake. You’ll make up for this in purgatory.”

“Oops, oh no!” Gon’s eyes go wide. He reaches for another egg (with the hand with the two eggs in it) and he has them in his grasp for a moment, but an egg slips and makes another sad: “crack” on the tiled floor. The slimy egg white spreads out, making Killua’s nose scrunch up.

“GON. FUCK!” Killua doesn’t know why he’s so mad. Maybe it’s because the egg didn’t even have a chance— didn’t have its first kiss, go to college, or even study abroad. “You dipshit! Good thing you don’t have 3 testicles... they’d be history like those eggs by now…” Killua mutters annoyedly to himself as he tears a paper towel from a roll.

“Ne, sorry Killua.” He sets the other remaining 2 eggs carefully on the counter. “I’ll be more careful.” Killua tries to calm himself down before he calls Gon a retarded head of lettuce and ends their friendship immediately. He begins to wipe the cracked egg off the floor with the paper towel, cursing the whole time. Gon grabs the last egg without issue and places it next to the others on the counter.

“Okay, we’ve got the three eggs. Finally.” Killua hopes they won’t roll onto the floor. He stares at the box, trying to swallow his frustration in himself and in Gon and read the instructions.

“Okay, we need to pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees.” Gon looks at him, his eyes far away, obviously not understanding. “Whatever that means. So... turn on the oven?”

Killua strokes his invisible beard and scans his eyes over the oven’s controls. The pan of water Gon had left on there is bubbling vigorously now and spurting some water onto the hot burner beneath it, where it hisses and evaporates immediately.

“Uhhh... we’re baking this, right? So, I’m gonna hit “bake.” Killua presses the button, and numbers start flashing on the display. “Oh, okay, Gon, enter 450 while I get... oil? Have no idea where Kurapika keeps that.” As Killua starts opening and searching shelves, Gon confusedly looks at the display and punches the buttons a few times.

“Alright, I hit start,” says Gon. Killua hears him but is too busy finding only dishes, mugs, cups,

and random spices.

“I have no idea where the fucking oil is,” Killua scowls at the ingredient on the box. “Who the hell puts oil in food, anyway?”

“Guess it’s a thing,” Gon says. “I think Leorio might have some under the sink. He needed that

for the car a few months ago.” As Gon gets the oil, Killua figures out what they need to do next.

“Looks like we need to beat the cake mix, water, oil, and eggs together. Oh, shoot, but we

already made the water hot... oh well, we’ll add that last so we don’t burn ourselves.” Killua finds a large plastic bowl in one of the lower cabinets and opens the flap on the strawberry cake box. He pulls out the envelope full of... cake powder? And pours the pinkish, sweet-smelling powder into the bowl.

Gon apparently found the oil and has set it on the counter next to Killua, watching what he does curiously. The water on the stovetop behind them begins hissing vehemently all of a sudden, boiling water gushing over the lip of the pan and onto the stove. Gon begins to panic.

“TOWEL! I NEED A TOWEL!” Gon’s screaming like some imaginary, fake person is losing blood

from a fatal wound. He flops his arms on the countertops looking for anything that resembles a towel. After the pan water has been overflowing for quite a while, Gon realizes the towels are draped over the handle to the oven.

“You good?” Killua asks, for some reason feeling like this doesn’t involve him. Gon’s frantically

wiping the water from the sides of the burner.

“I think it’s over.” Gon looks at Killua with tears pricking his eyes. “Why did the water get so

angry at me?”

“Maybe it’s 'cause you’re a green idiot.”

Gon wails and starts beating Killua’s chest with his fists. “Killua! You’re so mean!”

“The truth hurts, babygirl.”

Gon doesn’t say anything in retort but visibly sulks. Killua acts like he doesn’t notice and pours

some motor oil into the bowl. Seriously, weird... maybe it heats the food evenly? He didn’t even know this stuff was edible, or even used in cooking. It’s stinky.

Next, the eggs. He picks up one and cracks it on the edge of the bowl like he’s seen Kurapika

do one time. Gon has obviously gotten over being upset (a little too quickly, honestly, it’s

concerning) and his eyes sparkle.

“Killua’s a true chef!”

Killua blushes up to his ears. “Idiot! Anyone can break an egg.” He gives a pointed look at Gon,

referring to him breaking those two eggs by accident earlier. Gon either doesn’t notice or care,

though.

“But you were cool doing it! Killua’s so cool!”

“SHUT UP AND LET ME GET TO FLAVORTOWN.” He cracks the rest of the eggs into the batter, not realizing some shells were left behind, or that they shouldn’t be in the batter in the first

place.

“Okay, that’s done.” He rolls up his sleeves. “Time to beat it.” Gon gives him a wary look.

Killua starts punching the shit out of the ingredients in the bowl. The impact sends some of the

contents flying, it spatters on Killua’s cheeks, the counter, the tiled floor. Gon winces, as if the batter has feelings. Killua does this for like five minutes.

Killua looks at Gon, breathing heavily. “Should I go for another five?”

Gon’s voice is tiny. “I think it’s beat.” Gon then pauses for a moment. “Wait... do you smell

something?” They both turn the stove. The pan’s on fire.

“FIREEEEE!!!” Gon screams, immediately dropping to the floor and rolling. Killua tries to run to

get something to put it out, but he trips over Gon and falls to the floor.

“GON! YOU IDIOT!” The fire alarm starts going off, letting off an ear-splitting, infuriating sound.

“OF COURSE KURAPIKA CHANGED THE BATTERIES IN THAT SHIT! FUCKING HOUSEWIFE! WE KNOW THERE’S A FIRE!”

Gon’s begun to cry, crawling on his hands and knees over to the front door. He puts the back of his palm on it to see if it’s hot, then opens the door and crawls out. Killua’s having a panic attack but still searching for a way to put out the fire. He’s heard somewhere you shouldn’t use water to put out a stove fire. So, what is he supposed to do?!

Fuck it. He’ll try anything once, and if he doesn’t do something soon the entire apartment complex is going to go up in flames. In the distance, he hears the approaching wailing of fire trucks as he throws on some oven mitts and chucks the flaming pot into the sink. He turns on the water, and, thankfully, the fire goes out. Killua collapses to the floor. Holy fuck. They burned water.

The front door flies open, hitting the wall behind it hard. Kurapika stands there, Leorio looming behind him. They are both holding bags of what probably has takeout in it from that noodle place they like down the street. Killua can just barely see the image of Gon behind them in the hallway, sucking his thumb and crying.

“What did you guys do?” Kurapika’s furious, his eyes almost look to be glowing red. Leorio doesn’t say anything, and instead his eyes widen behind his glasses at the sight of their kitchen stained by smoke, and Killua’s face splashed with some sort of… mystery goop. Suddenly, Kurapika and Leorio are shoved aside by two burly firemen, who aim a fire extinguisher and shoot it at Killua. They realize a bit too late that the fire’s already out. Everyone doesn’t say a word, and awkwardly stares at Killua, who stands there now looking like he’s trying to cosplay as a container of Cool Whip.

“Ummm…” One of the firemen begins. “…Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Killua responds, his whole body shaking with rage. “Just… please go.” They then run out of the situation faster than Ging did when Gon was born.

Gon’s eyes are still red and puffy, but he enters the apartment and closes the door behind them. Kurapika seems too angry to even yell at them yet. Leorio enters the kitchen, looking like the only remaining soldier left alive on a battlefield. He notices the bowl on the counter.

“Killua… Gon… why were you planning a lover’s suicide by sautéing some motor oil and some cake mix?”

Killua’s voice is meek. “We were actually trying to make a cake.” Leorio nods, observing their handiwork in the bowl.

And… why’s the oven set at fourty-five degrees?” Killua looks at Gon for that explanation.

“Cause… the zero in 450 isn’t worth anything,” Gon bores his gaze into the floor.

“Jesus Christ,” Leorio says back. Kurapika drops the takeout bag of food onto the floor.

“Can I join in on the lover’s suicide?”