Chapter Text

As much as she hated keeping her feet imprisoned any longer than absolutely necessary, Lapis had learned to keep her shoes on in the apartment until she reached the absolute safety of her bedroom. Today was a prime example of the reason for that.

“Don’t ask,” Amethyst said, filling the smoking garbage can with fire extinguisher.

Lapis closed the door behind her and stepped over a flaming paper plate. “Wasn’t planning on it.”

“I thought it’d be a good idea to clean up and get rid of the garbage by burning it,” Amethyst answered anyway. “For some reason it didn’t go as planned.”

“‘Kay.” Just a few more steps and she’ll be safe in her room and she can turn her music all the way up and finish studying and ignore everything about this--

“Wait.” She turned. “What are you cleaning up for?”

“My girlfriend’s coming over in, like, two minutes.” Amethyst doused a tiny flame on top of the fridge. “She kinda likes things nice.”

Lapis arched one eyebrow. “Girlfriend?”

“Yeah, y’know. Gal pal, datemate, S.O.--”

No friggin duh. “I know what a girlfriend is. I just didn’t know you had one.”

“Yeah.” All the fire was out now, and Amethyst was shoving the extinguisher under the sink. “Anyway, she’ll be stayin’ over pretty late, so you can just hide in your room ‘n’ stuff.”

Which she was already planning on doing. Which she was always doing. One couldn’t exactly function at school and work while living with Amethyst without constantly hiding in her room. There were only so many Ame-Antics(TM) a girl could take before shutting down.

It wasn't that she disliked Amethyst, per se, it was just that--it kinda was. But she kinda disliked everyone. And a loud, crazy roommate always getting up to loud, crazy shenanigans wasn't exactly conducive to peacefully completing an art degree, especially after also dealing with long shifts at McDonald's with loud, crazy customers.

Not to mention it was a little hard to like anyone after...

Ding-dong.

“Boop. There she is.” Amethyst hopped down from the counter, where she’d been standing to brush something off the top of the cupboard.

Lapis paused at her door and looked back, boredly curious.

Amethyst’s girlfriend was barely taller than she was, which was really saying something; she probably would’ve looked even smaller if not for her ridiculous spiked-up hair and platform shoes. Even more ridiculous was the way she was leaning against the doorframe and smirking, trying to look cool while apparently either forgetting or ignoring the fact that she was wearing a bow tie and thick glasses.

“Miss me, Ams?” she said.

Lapis almost snorted. Geez, even her voice was ridiculous. Poor chick. Amethyst was probably just using her to do her homework for her or something.

“You look nerdier than usual today,” Amethyst scoffed.

“What?” The girlfriend’s face fell dramatically. “But the whole point of this greeting was to not look like a nerd!”

Ha. Fail. How was she still doing that lean in those shoes without falling?

“Don’t worry, it’s cute nerdy.” Amethyst turned and waved her girlfriend into the apartment. “Lapis! Why are you still here!”

“I live here,” Lapis deadpanned.

“Ugh. Fine. That’s my roommate Lapis. Lapis, my girlfriend Peri.”

“Salutations, Lapis!”

Lapis wasn’t impressed. “Perry? Isn’t that a dude’s name?”

“It’s short for Peridot,” she said sheepishly.

“Isn’t that...not a name?”

Amethyst scoffed again and rolled her eyes, closing the door and putting her arm around Peridot. “You don’t have to be rude about it.”

“It’s actually a type of gemstone,” Peridot explained. “Like Amethyst!”

“Or Lapis Lazuli,” Amethyst quipped.

Lapis bared her teeth in a half-fake-smile, half-real-grimace. “Riiight. ‘Kay. Bye.”

She turned away, but not quick enough to miss Amethyst sliding her hand down to Peridot’s hip.

“Don’t worry about her,” Amethyst murmured. “She’s just always kinda grouchy.”

The door didn’t slam shut, but the little thunk it made as it closed was pretty satisfying.

Finally. Lapis kicked off her shoes and sank into her little swivel chair, letting her toes scuff against the scrubby carpet. Her tablet and pen were waiting faithfully on her desk, ready to be used. While her drawing programs booted up--she’d rather just go straight to sculpting, but the professor docked points if you didn’t sketch a design first--she pulled out her phone and earbuds.

“There’s not gonna be room for both of us on that couch if you stretch out like that.”

“Just lay on my legs, dude. It’s comfy.”

Ugh. How much of an investment would soundproof doors be? Lapis jammed the buds into her ears and started scrolling for the loudest, angstiest album she had.

“Why does it smell like smoke in here?”

“Probably just my smokin’ hot bod. So what movies did you bring?”

Her phone switched out for her pen in her hand. Dumb. Why was Amethyst having a late-night movie marathon when Lapis knew for a fact that she had classes in the morning?

“Well, they’re not necessarily movies , but I’ve brought the special boxed set of all twelve seasons of my favorite television program on limited edition DVDs that include never-before-seen special features!”

Woooow.

“Alright, then. Pop it in.”

Definitely just using her for homework. And cheap laughs.

“What's this show called?”

“Just wait. It'll show in the opening.”

“Wha--oh. Camp Pining Hearts ?”

Lapis tightened her grip on her pen a little. She used to love that show.

“This should be a good laugh.”

“Actually, while there is quite a high-quality taste of humor throughout the series, the main focus is on the more dramatic aspect of the romances and relationships between the characters. Most of the time there’s more crying than laughing.”

“Heh, okay.”

Was she seriously taking it all at face value? Everyone knew that most of the drama was meant to be satire.

“Who's that?”

“That's one of the main characters, Percy. Or at least, for this episode it is. He has a much different design in the actual series.”

Were they watching the original unaired pilot?

Lapis looked down at her phone and realized she'd had her earbuds in with no music playing.

Fine. Sighing, Lapis yanked out her earbuds and stood, taking her tablet and pen with her. She could multitask.

Peridot was still talking when she came out, describing in detail the differences between Percy’s original and final appearance. Amethyst briefly glanced up as Lapis took a seat at the table behind the couch, but didn't react beyond that.

“From the moment I stepped inside Camp Pining Hearts, I knew my life was about to change forever. But what I didn't know was that she would be the one to change it.”

“Who's that?” Amethyst asked.

“Tch,” Peridot scoffed. “That's Paulette. Another major character, unfortunately. Percy’s canon love interest until season--”

“Shush,” Lapis said. “I haven't seen this yet.”

Peridot looked back at her, apparently surprised at her presence. Their eyes met for a second.

Lapis frowned and returned her attention to the TV.

“Season four,” Peridot whispered to Amethyst. “Then the writers finally saw the light and realized that Pierre was actually Percy’s optimum match.”

“Uh, spoiler alert.”

Lapis suddenly felt her face flush. Amethyst snickered. They'd spoken in unison.

“See, this is why you don't talk while watching stuff,” Amethyst teased.

Peridot chuckled awkwardly and sank a little, almost hiding her spiky hair from Lapis’s view. “Sorry.”

“‘Sokay,” Lapis replied.

“But now we were on warring teams. It was either goodbye Paulette… or goodbye Camp Pining Hearts.”

“The series doesn't have nearly this much unnecessary narration.”

***

About halfway through season one episode three, Lapis remembered there were a few bags of popcorn in the cupboard. Amethyst ate most of it.

By the end of season two, Amethyst was asleep, lightly snoring. Peridot was still talking, though, so Lapis decided she might as well give her someone to talk to.

“Any way I could sit down?” she asked after putting in the season three DVD.

Peridot hummed. Amethyst was sprawled across the length of the couch, her head on the armrest and one arm over the back. Her legs were wrapped around Peridot, one on her lap and the other under her back.

“I don't want to wake her,” she excused.

“Fine. I'll sit on the floor.” Lapis lowered herself down and leaned back against the couch. Her head rested surprisingly comfortably between Amethyst’s knee and Peridot’s. Peridot slouched a little, leaning over Amethyst’s leg and letting her hand hang next to Lapis’s head.

“Ooh, ooh, this is when they switched up to the new opening,” Peridot said excitedly. “It’s got a special cameo from Pierre’s actor for the rap portion.”

“I know,” Lapis deadpanned. “I’ve seen the whole series, y’know.”

“In my opinion, they should have kept this opening for the rest of the show’s run instead of continuing to get a new one every few seasons.”

Lapis shrugged. “It wouldn’t make sense to have this one in season five. Pierre’s not even in that one.”

Even as she said it, she was regretting it. Encouraging her would just make Peridot never shut up.

“Ehhh, I usually just pretend that season never happened.”

“Seriously? The horseback challenge episodes are a pretty vital part of Paulette’s character arc.”

Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking--

Amethyst was still snoring and Lapis and Peridot were still discussing when season three ended and Lapis put in season four.

It turned out that Peridot actually did see the satirical quality of the show, but that there was a lot of emotional value in relating the problems of the characters to one’s own life. They both agreed that Percy’s true happiness lay with Pierre and that his romance with Paulette was forced by heteronormative writers. They both agreed that Paulette would have been better off completely absent from the first few seasons.

The conversation flowed so easily that Lapis didn’t even notice the lull until the mid-season finale fell silent and she heard Peridot sniffle a little in her sleep.

Lapis paused the DVD to stop the next episode from playing and looked back at Peridot, who was completely slumped over Amethyst’s leg. Her hair was significantly less spiky now, her shirt was rumpled, her glasses were askew, her shoes had fallen off. A tired little blush tinged her cheekbones.

It was kinda cute.

Lapis froze.

Nope, nope, nope, cut that train of thought off before it leaves the station. This girl was taken. This was Amethyst’s girlfriend. She wasn’t even Lapis’s type--far, far from it. So what if they can talk for hours together about some dumb TV show? Lapis was still working through some issues from her last breakup anyway.

Blowing out an exhale that turned out more like a fart noise, Lapis stood to turn off the TV and flick on the light. The sudden brightness hit her eyes like a slap, but it wasn’t nearly as bad for her as it was for Peridot, who awoke with a strangled yelp.

“It’s almost four in the morning,” Lapis said. “Go home.”

Amethyst moaned a little as she sat up, rubbing her eye. “Aw, what? I fell asleep before we could even make out.”

Lapis wrinkled her nose. “We all have classes in the morning. Take your stuff.”

“Right. Of course. Sorry.” Peridot disentangled herself from Amethyst and slid off the couch. After piling her DVDs into her bookbag and slipping her shoes back on, she shuffled over to the door.

“Ey, wait.” Amethyst clambered over the back of the couch and hopped to Peridot. “I gotta get at least a little kiss.”

Peridot giggled a little. “Okay, fine.”

Lapis crossed her arms and looked away.

Taken. Amethyst’s.

“See ya later, then!” Peridot adieued. “It was nice talking to you, Lapis!”

Lapis gave a half-hearted wave. The door closed, and Amethyst leaned against it, sighing happily.

“Dontcha just adore her?” Amethyst grinned.

Nope.

“What, you’re not just dating her so she’ll do your work for you?” Lapis said.

“Are you kidding me? I’m not that shallow,” Amethyst snipped. “Peri’s great.”

Taken.

“I don’t know how you could stand her talking the whole time.” Stupid, don’t just deflect it with more snarkiness, that’s not how you solve your problems.

“Uh, that’s the whole reason I watch things with her. I like listening to her talk. And I like her. A lot.” Amethyst poked Lapis’s chest with an accusing finger. “So I could kinda do without you being rude to her, okay?”

Lapis pushed Amethyst’s hand away. “Fine. I won’t be rude.” Just her luck that when she actually wasn’t being rude, Amethyst slept through it. Or maybe that was lucky. “I just don’t get why you like her.”

“You wouldn’t get it.” Amethyst waved her off and walked past her to her bedroom. “You don’t like anything.”

I like Peridot.

Amethyst’s door closed. Lapis tucked in her heels and buried her face in her hands.

Stupid.

There is no way this is gonna end well.