Previously on Supernatural

The Darkness turned out to be an attractive woman that Dean met inside a death tornado. “We’ll always help each other,” she told him, right before she got herself reborn into the body of a baby girl named Amara. “This cannot possibly go well,” I thought, already having terrible Renesmee/Jacob flashbacks. Amara ate some souls and morphed into a kindergartner, which is when Crowley plucked her off the streets with some gross routine right out of a Stranger Danger PSA.

Oh and Castiel was tortured by angels before somehow dragging his booty over to the Men of Letters bunker.

Currently on Supernatural

Rowena has gathered a few witches in the episode’s first abandoned building of the week. She wants to start a new witches-only club and call it the Mega Coven. She’s super in love with the name, but the other witches are like, “Meh.” They also tell her Crowley’s still alive, so Rowena’s obvi not as powerful as she thinks. Rowena gets so mad that she destroys the witches with an uttered spell.

At some point, Castiel has put on a new, non-stabbed shirt along with the rest of his uniform. A real opportunity was missed here to put him in a cute henley or something. Anyway, they talk about Amara growing up and Castiel is like, “I’m not sure what growing up means in this case.” It means making her old enough to be Dean’s love interest.

Sam says they might need Metatron to help them with the Darkness. Castiel and I both make pained noises. His might be from the spell Rowena put on him, though.

******

Crowley has Amara holed up in Hell, which always looks like a high school’s basement prop room. Amara takes a break from watching Hitler’s Nuremburg speeches to tell Crowley she’s afraid God will come for her again. “He tricked me,” she says.

******

Rowena tries pitching her Mega Coven to two young witches over brunch. They’re so unimpressed that they don’t even bother nibbling their salads, and if there’s anything stock photos have taught me, it’s that women frickin’ love salads.

They perk up at the mention of the Book of the Damned, but a demon wearing a waiter descends upon them. “Meatus impeditus!” Rowena shouts, blocking his path with hurled tables. That sounds like Latin for “cock block.” The restaurant patrons look a wee bit surprised.

The Winchesters and their angelic guest are coming up empty-handed in their own search for Rowena, and they’re not having any luck finding Metatron, either.

Sam tries looking for Castiel’s pimpmobile, last seen being stolen by the scribe of God in Missouri. “No accidents, incidents, violations or anything remotely interesting involving a crappy ‘78 Continental Mark V,” he announces. “You think it’s crappy?” Castiel pouts. They decide to look up places he might hang out.

Castiel has a flashback to trying to kill Crowley and conks out on the floor. He wakes some time later to the Winchesters’ concerned faces. “You know where you are? What’s the date?” Dean asks. “Earth, several billion years from the beginning,” Castiel answers.

Dean covers him with a blanket. With all this tender care, surely we’re due for a reaffirmation of Dean’s mighty heteroness.

While looking for signs of Metatron, they come across news of Rowena’s incident at Cafe Elta. Isn’t that Danneel Ackles’s given name? Nice shout-out, Mr. Director.

********

Young Amara has a conversation with her grown self in a mirror. “As you grow and become stronger, your true destiny will become clear to you.”

******

Skip over to a bar somewhere and two characters I’m suddenly more interested in than the entire Darkness plot. It’s a couple of guys in business suits who are so furtive about meeting each other at a bar that it seems like they’re having an illicit affair.

But it turns out they’re a low-ranking demon and an equally low-ranking angel, and they’re comparing notes about their respective sides. So it’s less an affair and more a supernatural version of that coyote and wolf cartoon.

Anyway, there’s been a real lack of leadership on both sides lately, which I feel like is also kind of a metaphor for the show.

******

Dean and Sam put on their fake FBI duds and head over to Colorado to question the witch who survived Rowena’s brunch. Did they both need to go? It seems like a bad idea to leave Castiel all alone in the bunker while they drive to Colorado and back.

One Sit-n-Chat and a lot of exposition later, the witch agrees to “scry” Rowena’s location for them.

Back at Crowley’s School for Gifted Primordial Youngsters, the King of Hell is starting to worry Amara is getting a bit too evil too fast. He wants her to read about cute bunnies, she wants to read about Hell. He offers her cupcakes, but she would prefer to devour nanny’s demonic soul.

******

Thanks to the witch’s scrying, Sam and Dean are able to nab Rowena outside a cheap motel and/or Lady Gaga costume contest.

Castiel, left to his own devices at the bunker, tries looking for his car on Dean’s laptop. What he accidentally pulls up is Dean’s raging heterosexuality and the show’s ongoing Asian fetishizing.

I just…sigh. This shit just makes me tired. I went past angry and circled all the way around to tired as hell.

*******

Amara eats more demon souls, then has a chat with Crowley about whether or not he’d be happy if everyone were evil. The young actress is delightful, by the way. I could have stood to have her the whole season, but then the show couldn’t fulfill its weird end game with grown Amara.

********

The Winchesters return to the bunker with Rowena and chain her up in the dungeon. While Sam leaves to to fetch Castiel, Rowena and Dean verbally spar. Rowena’s pretty much winning that. “Your eyes… are so burdened,” she notices.

Sam returns with news that Castiel has flown the coop, so everybody piles into the Impala and starts tracking his phone.

En route, Rowena reveals her deal with Sam to kill Crowley if she removed the Mark of Cain. “I was gonna tell you,” Sam says to Dean, “but nothing came of it, so I figured there was no point.” Dean already knew Sam was working with Crowley, right? Is he mad that Sam was going to kill Crowley? Because that dude needed to be dead ages ago.

They bicker about secrets and lies while continuing to keep their secrets and lies because they NEVER LEARN ANYTHING EVER. Meanwhile, Castiel has decided to chase some random woman in some random alley.

Sam takes Rowena in one direction while Dean heads off in another to look for Castiel. Dean takes a quick break from searching for his dying best friend to hit on some pretty lady who happens to be walking down the street. Ah, a preemptive No Homo strike! Must be some hot, throbbing Destiel missiles on the way.

Dean, rebuffed by the pretty lady, soon finds Castiel chasing his own lady through an abandoned warehouse. He finds Castiel trying to choke the life out of her and manages to talk him into letting her go.

Castiel punches the snot out of him until Rowena and Sam show up. Rowena de-spells him while Dean touches him all over the face.

While everyone’s distracted by this tender moment, Rowena flings Sam inside and then makes her escape.

Later, at the bunker, Castiel offers to heal Dean’s face with a touch, but everyone’s like, “Whoa, no, no, that’ll tip the balance!” Plus Dean still feels bad about whaling on Castiel recently.

******

Amara has now morphed into a teenager and she’s hella hungry. Why is she even bothering with souls? Shouldn’t she nosh on neutron stars or something? Crowley looks like he realizes he’s screwed.

That’s it for this week!

I give this episode 2.5 Hellhounds

– Tippi Blevins