MARYVILLE, TN—In an emergency press conference held to share the blockbuster announcement before it could be leaked to the media, casual dining chain Ruby Tuesday went public this morning with a formal request for everyone to come on down to Ruby Tuesday. “We are hereby distributing the plain and simple message to all Americans that they should come on down to Ruby Tuesday,” said Ruby Tuesday CEO Raymond Blanchette, who stressed that the company had not taken the decision to invite all 327 million Americans down to Ruby Tuesday lightly and that top management felt now was the time to issue a comprehensive summons. “After consulting with our highest executives, we find ourselves unified in our desire to see every man, woman, and child in this great nation come on down to Ruby Tuesday, where they shall receive two apps for the price of one. Honestly, this is the toughest decision I’ve been asked to make in my 30-year career. However, after much soul-searching, I implore every person, be they white or black; young or old; Christian, Muslim, or Jew, to come on down to Ruby Tuesday and try our 6-ounce Asiago Peppercorn Sirloin, and invite them to make it a combo by adding a half-rack of our fall-off-the-bone-tender baby back ribs. From sea to shining sea, let all people know they are welcome under our roof.” Blanchette then noted that Ruby Tuesday’s Happy Hour was fast approaching, and declared that all were welcome to come on down between 4:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. for half-price nachos and $3 traditional or fruit-flavored Ruby-Ritas.

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