



'Twas the night before 20XXmas, when all through the topic

Not a smasher was stirring, not even a Sonic!



All 4 stocks were hung by the forum with care,

In hopes that Strong Bad soon would be there;



For every Smasher in Smashville

Liked PM a lot…



But the Bird

Who lived north of Smashville,

Did NOT!



Falco hated PM and all of its scenes!

Please don't ask me why; no one knows what he means.



It could be that his Dair wasn't ported just right.

Or his margin for error had gotten too tight.



But I think that the most likely reason of all

Was that his Up B was two units too small!



But whatever the reason,

Firebird or his Dair,



He sat there in the thread,

just to hate the affair.



Staring at his monitor with a sour spacie frown

At the warm hearted comments squealed all over town.



For he knew that those scrubs down in reddit beneath

Were busy admiring Marth's fancy new sheath.



"And they're playing on stamina!" he snarled with a sneer.

"3.5's the 14th! It's practically here!"



Then he growled, with his feathers so nervously drumming,

"I MUST find some way to stop 3.5 from coming!"



For, tomorrow, he knew...All the casuals, he'd gauge,

Would stay up all night. They'd rush the home page!



And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

All the spam posts he'd hate, like that wavedash of Roy's!



Then the players, young and old, would flood the boards where we smash.

And they'd crash! And they'd crash! And they'd CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!



They would crash like a DDOS, a web-hogging feast

Which was something the Bird couldn't stand in the least!



And THEN, They'd do something he liked least of all!

Every Smasher down in Smashville, the tall and the small,



Would gather in the social thread, notifications ringing.

Post after post, the PMDT's praises they'd be singing!



They'd sing! And they'd sing!

“Based-PMDT is KING!”



The more the Bird thought,

"I must stop this whole thing!"



"Why, for 3.2 versions I've put up with it now!

"I MUST stop this update!” he pondered....



“But HOW?"



Then he got an idea! An awful idea!



THE BIRD GOT A WONDERFUL, JANKY IDEA!



"All I need is a scapegoat!”

The Bird looked around.



Since top tiers were aplenty,

any would be sound.



Did that stop the old Bird...?

“No!” The Bird simply said,



"If I can't pick a scapegoat,

I'll make one instead!"



So he called his bud, Fox. and he looked at the thread

And he started designing around him instead!



Then He loaded some capsules

And an old empty box



And snuck into the BackRoom

to unleash Starfox!



- - -



The Bird said, "Dont try me!"

And the update's design started down—



Towards a path where the spacies

Would keep their old crown.



All the character pages were dark. Quiet anticipation filled the air.

All the mains were dreaming of sweet buffs without care.



“Go Lucas! Go Pit!” Even the chimp made his list!

Emu’s tears went WOOP WOOP, but they wouldn’t be missed.



"This will stop Mewtwo!" the salty Bird hissed

And he climbed into the files – Magus would be pissed!



Then he slid down his range. Which was rather absurd.

But, if Strong Bad could do it, then so could the Bird.



He got stuck only once, for an Up air or two.

Then he got in an Fsmash, and past the ledge Mewtwo flew



Where a plethora of tethers all hung in a row.

"These don't match Melee! They're the first things to go!"



Then he looked over to Fox, who was eager to shine,

Around the whole cast, each recovery he'd redesign!



Rocket barrels! And hang time! Ledge regrab and hovers!

Landing lag! Jumpsquat! Projectiles, despite all their lovers!



And he nerfed them in droves. Then the Bird, very nimbly,

Buffed his and Fox's to NTSC, just like Melee!



Then he slunk to the mid tiers. He nerfed the whole field!

He stole away shell shifting, even PK Fire on shield!



He cleared away "jank" as quick as a flash.

Why, that Bird even changed Fox's Usmash!



Then he touched up projectiles and exclaimed with glee,

"And NOW!" grinned the Bird, "the only cancel-able laser will be me!"



And the Bird took the paralyzer, and locked away the dash

When he heard the charging of a certain Down Smash.



He turned around fast, and saw Ms. Zero Suit!

She seemed melee enough, but she sprints when she shoots!



The Bird had been caught by this relative newcomer

He’d checked her thread twice, knowing his change was a bummer.



She stared at the Bird and said, "Strong Bad, oh my!”

"WHY are you taking my Dash Canceled B? OH WHY?"



But, you know, that old spacie was so smart and so slick

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!



"Why, that’s not right. There’s a bug with your Blaster!

"So, I'm taking it to my BackRoom, - here, I'll make your grab faster!"



And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head

And got her some alt costumes that nerds think of in bed.



And when Zero Suit Samus went off, content with her grab,

HE changed all her throws, it was quite a low jab!



Then the last thing he stole as he took to the air,

Was some edge off of his own lingering Dair!



“This should cover my tracks,” said the old liar.

The top tiers he left looking nothing like prior.



Then he did the same thing to everyone's moves

Leaving buffs much too small: melee bias, he proves!



- - -



It was quarter past dawn, all the smashers, still awake

The file was compiling, but The Bird forgot Snake!



At least he got Diddy, Lucas, Mewtwo and Sonic!

The jank! Autocombos! All of those were quite toxic!



With a sweep through PACs, he grabbed a mechanic and dumped it

Three thousand strangers watched the thread! He hoped they mained that dumb Pit!



"No johns to the scrubs!" he was spacily humming.

"They're finding out now that no changelist is coming!



"They're going to bed! I know just what they'll do!

"Their mouths will hang open after the jank of 3.02

"Then all the whiners down in Smashboards will all cry BOO-HOO!



"That's a noise," grinned the Bird, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Bird put his hand to his ear.



And he did hear a sound rising up rather slow.

It started in low. Then it started to grow...



.

..

...

....

But the thread wasn't sad!

Why, the community was merry!



It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!



He stared down at the changelog!

The Bird popped his eyes!

Then he SD'ed from the shocking surprise!



Most every poster, the tall and the small,

Was singing its praises! With no buffs at all!



He HADN'T stopped 3.5 from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or another, it came just the same!



And the Bird, with his metal feet ice-cold on his stoop,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "Mewtwos are fine with the Woop?



"It came with range nerfs! It came without hover nair!

"It came with nerfs to Shadow Ball, Utilt and Bair!"



And he puzzled three hours, till he remembered Smash four.

Then the Bird thought of something he hadn't before!



"Maybe PM," he thought, "doesn't need to come from a store.

"Maybe PM... perhaps...means a little bit more!"



And what happened then...?



Well... in the PMDT they say

That Falco's spot in the tiers

Grew three sizes that day!



And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed to the thread through the bright morning light



And he brought All Star mode! A Smashing good feast!



And he…



..HE HIMSELF....!



The Bird was *still* liked the least!



-The End- ​

*Editor's Note* Hey Smashers! It's Christmas Eve, and one of our Smashboards members has written a holiday poem that we think you'll enjoy. Special thanks to @ JOE! for allowing us to post this on his behalf! On that note, take a seat by the fireside... it's time for a story.From all of us at Smashboards, happy holidays.