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That would, of course, be the greatest outrage in American history, because President Duncan is a motherfucking American. This is a man who declares "At a ball game, there is no finer beverage than an ice-cold Bud," and small-minded Republicans want to engage in partisan hackery by questioning his decisions? What could be more patriotic than blindly trusting the president at all times, especially when he insists that he totally didn't commit sexual miscondu- uh, negotiate with a terrorist?

There's a rambling story about stopping a magical virus from annihilating all of America's computers, but this is primarily Clinton fanfic. Duncan's basic biographical details are identical to Clinton's, but the manly wish-fulfilling president is also a former ballplayer and accomplished Army Ranger who survived torture in the Gulf War. Oh, and Duncan's wife is dead, but she didn't depart this Earth before telling her friend, "one of the twenty most beautiful women on the planet," to keep Duncan from getting lonely. Read into that what you will.

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The President Is Missing is full of the usual Patterson inanity that keeps your mom entertained during bathtub wine night, like the classical-music-loving female assassin named Bach who sleeps with her lover "no more than three times a week to maximize his potency." The book also takes great pains to establish plot points -- like Duncan having a rare blood condition -- that are then dropped faster than Clinton killed Glass-Steagall. But what's more interesting are the glimpses we get into Clinton's beliefs.

President Duncan is always proven right, and those who question him are always proven wrong. At one point, he makes the difficult decision to risk civilian lives in an attack on those irreligious Sons of Jihad troublemakers, which is blamed on the bad guys and never reflected on again. The book ends with Duncan giving a speech that kills talk of impeachment and sends his approval ratings soaring because of how awesome he is. In it, he explains that Americans need to put aside their differences, trust that their president will always do right, and unite against the twin evils of media fearmongering and Russian meddling. (Saudi Arabia, however, is emphasized as a great ally that's definitely going to get around to providing basic human rights any day now.) If this sounds far too stupid to read, then don't worry, because you can just watch the upcoming Showtime adaptation!