AND ALL YOU NEEDED WAS JUST A LITTLE TIME

2019 hasn’t been kind to many of us, not least your fifth-favourite tea-timely football email. But spare a thought for Nathan Jones. The Welshman’s hopes of becoming “the world’s best manager” have stalled during a dreadful 10-month spell at Stoke, which was mercifully brought to an end on Friday. Let’s relive the coach’s year in quotes:

9 January: Jones leaves League One high-flyers Luton to replace Gary Rowett at Stoke. ”This is not a job for me, this is a lifestyle,” he tells assembled hacks. “If the players buy into that from the beginning, just think how good they will feel years down the line when we are where we want to be. In the words of Miley Cyrus, it’s the climb.”

26 January: Stoke are knocked out of the FA Cup by Shrewsbury, but bounce back to beat Nasty Leeds (“We sat in the Holiday Inn and planned it on Tuesday night”). A home defeat to Preston follows.

February: Three draws and two defeats. Jones: “My staff will earn every single penny. It’s good for the club that we don’t get paid by the hour! If we did, we’d be far more expensive.”

March: Victory over Nottingham Forest is followed by four consecutive 0-0 draws. Jones: “We are evolving into a real fluent side.”

April: A 1-0 win at Blackeye Rovers is backed up with a five-game winless run. Jones: “When we recruit, we will recruit what we call ‘Stoke City players’. They will play in a certain way, act in a certain way, will be athletic, will be courteous.”

May: Stoke finish 16th after a draw at home to promoted Sheffield United. “It is a glimpse of what we will turn into,” Jones trumpets. “I sacrificed a promotion at Luton to come here. We’ve made great inroads and I’m excited by what we can achieve.”

August: The new season begins with defeats to QPR and Charlton. Jones: “People are not having to score good goals against us at the moment. We’ve got to be better in both boxes – in between, not a problem.”

September: A home defeat to Bristol City leaves Stoke with one point from seven games (“There are teams with far more points than us, but are playing worse than us”). The month ends with another home loss, to Forest. “I don’t think there was much wrong with the performance apart from the errors, three big errors,” Jones muses.

19 October: Wins over Swansea and Fulham earn Jones an unexpected reprieve: “We’re starting to get some continuity. I am a passionate guy and that is what has got me the career I’ve had. I’ve gone back to being me and I like me.”

26 October: Stoke lose at Sheffield Wednesday and Rowett’s Millwall. “I’m flabbergasted.”

1 November: Jones is sacked after six wins from 38 games. Stoke are second-bottom of the Championship, six points below promoted Luton.

According to the bookies, Chris Hughton, Michael O’Neill, David Moyes and Sam Allardyce are vying to rip up Jones’s philosophy and bludgeon their way to safety. Stoke may even turn, baseball cap in hand, to Tony Pulis. As for Jones, at least his claim that he would never “use [Luton] as a stepping stone” remains intact.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“One day I miss the lesson on purpose and from the ladies’ toilet I hear how they run around yelling for me like they are mad. When Liam Brady [the head of the academy] comes up to me in the canteen later he grabs hold of me and says: ‘What are you thinking, young man? Where have you been?’ He has heard a story about how I was hiding underneath a table. That’s not true and I tell him that with a clear conscience. That is not the only clash” – an extract from the new Nicky Bendtner book, you say? Oof!

Praise the Lord! Photograph: Liselotte Sabroe/EPA

FIVER LETTERS

“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. In the part of northern England where I grew up (where Boris Johnson was politely asked to leave: no, not that part, nor that part, nor even that part, the other part), Mischief Night was 4 November, due to the Gunpowder Plot being discovered the next day” – Darren Leathley (ex-Morley. Well, just off J28 of the M62).

“When I read the headline referencing ‘Mizzy Night’ I was sure The Fiver had taken the opportunity to take the Fizzy Milk theme to the next level. But, of course, The Fiver missed this opportunity, opting to instead continue down the ‘Being useless at your job’ theme” – Spencer Weills.

“I think Tony Crawford (yesterday’s Fiver letters) might have overestimated the amount of readers The Fiver gets if he thinks we could club together to buy an election. We may be able to scrape enough together to buy a pack of chocolate digestives, mind you” – Oliver Billenness.

“I’ve never met the poor thing but I suspect Fiver Jr needs to go out on loan to aid his development” – Patrick O’Brien.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Patrick O’Brien.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

An anonymously run Telegram account has indicated that it wants to sell a tranche of emails relating to Russia’s 2018 World Cup bid, after reports that they contain a dossier compiled by Russian officials on how to bribe Fifa ExCo members.

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang will take over as Arsenal skipper against Wolves after Granit Xhaka was left out.

Meanwhile, a 13-2 aggregate hosing of Slavia Prague has booked Arsenal’s spot alongside Glasgow City in Women’s Big Cup last eight.

Arsenal’s Kim Little celebrates scoring their second goal in an 8-0 second-leg drubbing. Photograph: Andrew Couldridge/Action Images via Reuters

Good news for the Glazers’ dividend: Roma have got €15m with Manchester United’s name on it in return for Chris Smalling.

Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp wants football authorities to start putting players’ interests first. Good one! “There would be a few solutions possible but there was not one day where Fifa, Uefa, the Premier League, the Football League and the other leagues sit at a table and think about the players and not about their wallet,” he tooted.

And Bayern Munich groß Käse Uli Hoeness has been reflecting on his love of the club after his spell in the slammer. “I can only smile about [the criticism],” he parped. “I think the fans know that, deep down, I have always ripped open my @rse and given everything for them.”

STILL WANT MORE?

Saturday lunchtime in Sweden should be a cracker: hop in the Volvo, pop to Ikea, and get back in time for an epic three-way title battle to play out.

From the French fourth-tier to Europe’s top tackler: Aston Villa’s Frédéric Guilbert talks to Paul Doyle about his improbable journey.

Easy there, son. Photograph: Neville Williams/Aston Villa FC via Getty Images

Why should Granit Xhaka apologise? Arsenal fans should not be booing their captain, argues Eni Aluko.

Could Mesut Özil save Unai Emery’s job? Would Southampton settle for a 4-0 defeat at the Etihad? These and eight more things to watch out for in the top flight this weekend.

And continue your Premier League prep with our match previews.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Football Weekly Extra is right here.

RECOMMENDED ATTENDING

Tickets are now available for Big Department’s year in review evening.

RECOMMENDED BUYING

This week’s David Squires cracker is available to buy and you can get your hands on some of his other favourite cartoons at our Print Shop.