It’s an age old question you don't want to google: "How do I trick my man into getting me pregnant?"

Guys, if we want you to get us pregnant, we will

It’s an age old question you don’t want to google: “How do I trick my man into getting me pregnant?”

So I did.

Are you ready for this? Starting with Yahoo answers:

Alisonn:

I got 2 ways. 1. Poke your arm with a needle or something and tell him you got a birth control shot, and then if he wants proof show him the poke… 2. Buy some birth control or get some from planned parenthood, then pretend to take them but dont really take them…

Queenbee:

just tell him you started taking Birth control wait a month and then he can go inside of you….

Here’s another lady with the same conundrum:

Laura

okay this is what i did. well first pock holes on all of his condoms and GET OFF BIRTH CONTROL if that doesn’t work try and convince that your on the pill and to not use a condom. also whenever having sex do it missionary position. that should do the trick.

To be fair, most of the commenters think a trick like this one is dastardly, immature, awful, terrible, horrible….. and then they go ahead and give their best suggestions any way.

Here’s calli21.

You really shouldnt, if your not ready, your not ready. But one trick i saw on eastenders ( haahaa, i no ) is to poke some pin holes in the condomn. you could get prenant like that! EDIT: Cassie, no normally i dont enocourge behaviour thats wrong but im telling you, people with the urge to get pregnant WANT to and WILL find a way of going about it. its human nature(: she would have found a way anyway, im sure theres many websites on google

These all sound like illiterate teenagers, right? Do they teach fucking spelling anymore? Grown women don’t do this, now do they?

Oh dear.

Upon my arrival in Florida, I contacted Alex and he agreed to see me. I think he was honestly a bit confused as to how and why I came to be in town. It was a miserable weekend. I cried on his bathroom floor. We had miserable break-up sex….and I purposely stopped taking my birth control pills.

Here’s another fine example of mature ladies being really mature:

Okay Ladies, here I am again, much older, more mature as well im sure(: Well, my boyfriend and I have been having sex with a condom, my estimated ovulation date was on July 31st, gave him a hand job on the 29th, he finished and my hand semi-dry of semen, i inserted my fingers in me, had sex on the 30th with about 10-15 needle size holes in the condom(new condom) and he finished in me like 5 minutes into it, it was a quickie, no worries unprotected sex today aug. 2nd.

And one more:

I am 33 years old, single & would like to have a baby – the traditional way. I have decided I will pick up a man when I am out one night and take him home for sex. I am not on the pill, but do not want to lie and say I am on the pill. So i want to use a condom, but poke holes or damage it in some other way before hand, so that I can be impregnated. I understand that my chances of getting pregnant are lower this way.

Surely, surely NO ONE is going to help this lady, are they? Here is Antonio chastising her and helping her all at the same time:

wow i did’t know women like you exist ok, ummm go and get a condom for him a cut a small hole at the tip of the comdom with nail scissors, and i think what you are doing is crual as he has to know he is going to be a father, also it is extremely cruel for the child as he needs to know that he has a father.

Let’s do our part to help the young ladies in search of stolen sperm out, and create a cheat sheet of techniques:

Lie about being on birth control

Poke yourself in the arm and claim you had a birth control shot

Stop taking birth control and lie about that

Give a handjob and insert your hand into your vagina when it’s covered in sperm

Poke or cut condoms

Seriously though, these girls are amateurs. The advanced ladies have a totally different technique: buy fake birth control pills off the Internet and wash them down right in front of him! Who could fail to trust when you took the pills right in front of him!

Genius.

There are actually a number of fake birth control pills out there, going by different brand names. There’s Evital, Ovulen 21, Diane-35, and many more.

But if you Google “birth control sabotage”, you will very curiously get a first page of results that refers only to MEN sabotaging women’s birth control as a means of controlling them. Here’s an example:

From poking holes in condoms to stealing birth control pills, doctors are working to identify ‘reproductive coercion,’ which is more widespread than previously thought. About 16% of women — of all levels of society — have experienced it in some form.

Jezebel denies that women participate in birth control sabotage at anything approaching the rates of men.

“Increasingly,” The Cut reports, “birth-control sabotage is viewed as a tool not for baby-crazed female stalkers, but for a class of predominantly male abusers who want to exercise control over their partner’s body, make her dependent upon them, or secure a long-term presence in her life.”

Here’s Policy Mic at least admitting that women play the sabotage game, too.

While birth control sabotage is generally more of a problem for women, men are affected as well. Like any other form of intimate violence, reproductive coercion is usually used to assert power over an individual. While it may be rare, in some cases, some women may lie about being on birth control in order to stay in a relationship.

“While it may be rare”?!?!?!?! Google says it’s as rare as oxygen in the atmosphere.

Jody (not her real name), a 32-year-old account manager for a major New York ad firm, decided to speed things along with her boyfriend two years ago by getting pregnant without telling him. “It’s not about trapping the guy,” Jody says. “That’s kind of old-fashioned. Yeah, you want him to be into it, but there are other ways to get a guy to commit. If you’re smart and in a good relationship, it’s just about the fact that you want a kid.” Even in her circle of young, urban, and gainfully employed friends, Jody says, this particular brand of subterfuge isn’t exactly condemned the way one might expect. In fact, it’s sort of, well, normal. “I see and hear people talk about it, and I understand. I get it,” she says, “and I don’t even think it’s that manipulative. It’s more like, ‘Hey, the timing is right for me. I got pregnant—oops! Well, it’s here, let’s have it.’ I think that’s more the way it is now than it was back in the day when you had to marry someone before you got pregnant. Marriage doesn’t matter now.”

“In fact, it’s sort of, well, normal.”

One of my friends did exactly this: she was 39, no husband in sight, she wanted a baby, she picked up a guy in a bar and lied about birth control and she has her baby.

It happened long before I met her, and our kids are very close, so as distasteful as I find her actions, we are still friends. I guess I’m guilty of thinking it’s “normal”, too. What an unpleasant insight.

Feminist websites like to make fun of the “sperm-stealing” lady trope, but it’s far, far more common than it seems anyone wants to admit.

We even rock out to the idea in song:

SO. What options do you guys have given that reproductive coercion is not just common, but NORMAL?

Did she pop her pill right in front of you? Better check what brand.

Does she make sure to always have condoms on hand? Better hold them up to the light, and check the tip, too.

I think that’s about it.

I don’t even know how to end this post. Good luck.

P.S. Are you using Brave yet? Delay the skynet by using the browser that automatically strips all tracking and ads. Brendan Eich (of JavaScript fame) is its CEO.

Indefinitely retired because of threats against her children. Janet has graciously allowed us to republish some of her now vanished articles.