It’s that dreaded time of year again, when those God-fearing creationists with their guns and MAGA hats start grunting “Merry Christmas” at you when all you want to do is buy cheap wine and rush back to your Brooklyn studio to watch Lena Dunham take a toilet selfie on your parent’s HBO GO account.

But no more! Let’s take the “Christ” out of “Christmas” and replace it with a declarative “NO”… as in “No-más!” (that’s Spáñish for “no more,” you nativist pig).

No-más fairy tales about a sky dad sending bird people to earth with the intention of announcing unexpected childbirth. I’ve already got enough problems trying to avoid getting triggered by nativity scenes featuring the birth of America’s opiate of choice for its unwashed masses.

No-más pervert anthems like “Baby it’s cold outside” and “Up on the Housetop.” Why should I have to sing carols about an old white man sliding down my chimney to “fill my stocking” as he quenches himself with animal milk? And what do those poor deer slaves get when their overlord returns to his chariot? One shitty carrot.

No-más unfair wages for undocumented elves. I’ve watched enough Michael Moore movies to know a kapitalist plot when I see one. First off, toy-making is a very loose “E” in STEM Education, and the lack of inclusive North Pole scholarships is hurting lower income gnomes and dwarves. Moreover, I find it pretty repulsive that Chancellor Clause is intentionally wage-slashing his workforce while they live off candy stamps in section eight igloos. I mean, where the hell is the Toy-Maker’s Union in all this?? I think it’s fair to say that Santa’s “right to work” North Pole is just an offshore tax haven that operates like a Koch brother’s fever dream.

No-más “Snowman”…Um, what about the snow-WOMEN? Just because you stick a carrot on his face and give him a frumpy hat doesn’t mean he’s even a he. He could be a she! And maybe SHE would prefer you stop body-shaming her with your shitty handiwork.

No-más tree murder. Did you ever consider the fact that burying an ax broadside into an innocent tree, and then dragging its slaughtered body into your living room might make you a psychopath? Perhaps your mother should spend more time reconsidering her gender role and less time decorating tree corpses every year.

No-más presents. Possibly one of the grossest examples of privilege is gift-giving. Why are we supporting a spoils system where the allocation of material goods is based on nepotism? From each according to his/her/ze ability, to each according to his/her/ze’s need. So if you have more than one present under that forest corpse of yours, don’t be surprised if Jill Stein comes knocking on your door to demand a recount.

No-más mistletoe. Oh great, another tradition that involves abusing tree flesh…all so you can touch mouths with strangers without their consent. You can keep your lazy “come kiss me under this rape twig” trap.

No-más eggnog. Who’s drinking this stuff? I suspect the same basket of deplorables who eat candy corn on Halloween. Eggnog is for step uncles and degenerates.