Charlie Sheen’s recent exhortations of “Bring it” have prompted a subsequent riposte of “Oh, it’s already been brought-en” by Two And A Half Men producers, who have announced that the show will officially resume bringing laughter to the nation’s hospital waiting rooms next week. Everything will be fine now.


Oh, except for the fact that Sheen just called into The Alex Jones Show (which helped Sheen stump for a 9/11 investigation back in 2009) to talk about his newly restored energy and rant candidly at his critics, with Sheen averring that he’s got “magic and poetry at my fingertips,” and that “most of the time—and this includes naps—I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.” Such battlefield imagery becomes a running theme, as Sheen wants everyone to know that he’s not a “soft target,” and characterizes his appearance on The Alex Jones Show as not an interview but a “warning,” boasting that he has “an army of assassins” at the ready and “silent secret soldiers all around you.”

In keeping with that, he’d also like you to know that he’s not “sober”—which is a word used by “sissies”—but that he simply closed his eyes and concentrated until his only addiction became “winning.” Sheen goes on to call Alcoholics Anonymous a “bootleg cult” founded by an LSD addict who wrote a “book of lies,” and whose success rate is only “five percent” compared to the Sheen Method success rate of “100 percent. Do the math!” Sheen also says the only “winners” he’s been able to locate among AA’s “toothless warren” have been “either driving a convertible van or living like trolls under some abandoned bridge.” Sheen urges anyone who disagrees to come and debate him right now: “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.” (Remember: The burden of proof is on you, prospective debater.)


Basically, Sheen says he’s tired of pretending that his life isn’t “bitching and perfect” just because he has to deal with the many “fools and trolls” whose “judgment and stupidity” stems from their having to “lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives,” and are thus unable to process why Sheen is so relentlessly awesome. (“You never will, so just sit back and enjoy the show,” Sheen says, though he doesn't clarify which show.) Also, he compares himself to Col. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now (“You can kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me,” he sort-of quotes), but Jones says he actually thinks he sounds more like Thomas Jefferson. Sheen, however, believes “Thomas Jefferson was a pussy.”

But Alcoholics Anonymous, Thomas Jefferson, his crybaby critics—these are all just background players. Sheen reserves some of his harshest, most specific invective for Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre, whom he calls a “clown” and a "turd," and adds that his real name is “Hymie Levine.” [EDIT: Despite what TMZ and other sources are reporting, it sounds upon closer listening like "Chaim Levine." Lorre’s real name is listed as Charles Michael Levine.] Sheen scoffs that he “embarrassed [Lorre] in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that this un-evolved mind cannot process,” and adds, “I’ve spent, I think, close to the last decade, I don’t know, effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write.” So, that might prove awkward come next Friday.


There’s lots more stuff in the full audio here, including a few comments on Major League 3, some inside-joking over the idea that Sheen and Jones secretly work as assassins for the Pope, and some details about Sheen’s new tattoo, which somehow combines the U.S. Airborne’s “Death From Above” banner and the apple from Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. “There’s my life," Sheen says of his tattoo. "Deal with it! ‘Oh wait, can’t process it.’ Losers. Winning! Buh-bye!” And hey, if you have a problem with any of this, well, you can find Sheen “hang[ing] out with these two smooookin’ hotties,” with whom he will “fly privately around the world” while you sit there "touching yourself." Sheen then wraps up by issuing a universal “bring it” to all those who, having been thus fairly warned, would still dare to criticize him. Anyway, new episodes of Two And A Half Men, everyone.