Oral sex. BJs. Fellatio. Call it what you will, the big news is giving head is good for your health. Girls have long been aware that sperm works as a face cream that draws out impurities when it dries and tastes delicious. What we now know – thanks to research at the State University of New York – is that that male semen contains a variety of chemicals that make you feel contented, younger and more affectionate.

Forget exercise, fad diets and How To Be Happy books. If you’re depressed, listless, can’t sleep, bored, fat or feeling suicidal, just go for your boyfriend’s zipper and give him a blowjob. Alchemists spent the Middle Ages trying to discover the elixir of life. They clearly never thought to open their britches and call for a serving wench to take part in an oral experiment. Then again, perhaps they did, but just couldn’t be bothered to examine the results.

Now, the results are in and what the researchers with 300 female students at the university’s Albany campus have confirmed after a study lasting several months is that girls who swallow adequate amounts of seminal fluid are less likely to suffer depression or mental health problems, and those who have regular sex, particularly unprotected sex, are happier, healthier, thinner and perform better on cognitive tests.

Giving Head Aids Sleep

The sticky stuff is as good as any sleeping pill and, when you open your eyes on a new day, there’s nothing better for body and soul than to nudge the one beside you awake and pump out another warm milky draught with its zingy flavour of lemon and pistachio. If you don’t have a boyfriend, or swing the other way, suggest it to the next guy who looks up for it (they usually are) and, while he thinks head is GOOD for him, in fact it is even BETTER for you.

For all those scientists, chemists and doubters out there, seminal fluid contains: ESTRONE and OXYTOCIN, which give you a mild high (like one puff on something illegal); THYROTROPIN, a hormone stimulant that acts as an anti-depressant; SEROTONIN, an antidepressant neurotransmitter; MELATONIN, a sleep aid; and CORTISOL, which combats stress by releasing adrenaline and, according to the research team, helps increase affection.

Bottom line: sex every day is good for you, male jism is a health drink and, as it comes in relatively small quantities, the more head you give the better you feel.

While we are on the subject of health, scientists at the University of Reading in the UK have also made a startling discovery. Pinot noir and pinot meurier, the two red grapes used in the making of champagne, contain ‘phenolic’ compounds which assist in sending signals to that part of the brain used to control memory and learning.

The benefits are best achieved with ‘one or two glasses of champagne a week’ (as the scientists didn’t mention what one or two bottles will do, you may wish to try that experiment for yourself). Just any old sparkling wine won’t do. It has to be wines containing the magical noir and meurier grapes.

There you have it. Giving head is good for your health and a glass of champagne will help you to learn how to do it better and remember just how amazing it was. Do share your comments – and if you add your name to my mailing list you can download the story “Fight 69” for free. Cheers – that was my second glass of champagne!

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