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In today’s Apple keynote, Tim Cook unveiled the highly anticipated iPhone 8 and previewed its new features. Here are some specifications of the new model:

Users must slowly earn Siri’s trust before she will agree to fulfill requests

Faceprint scanner for added security

Introduces wireless charging capabilities and six new defunct cables for your junk drawer


Simple voice-to-text-to-souvenir-magnet commands

18.5:9 dimensions that adhere to Aristotle’s theoretical perfect aspect ratio for small personal electronics


Apps no longer leak out when screen cracks

Integrated cross-platform OS makes phone completely unusable unless simultaneously running iWatch, iPad, MacBook, and Apple TV


Sauce-resistant

Proprietary new phone shape only compatible with pockets of licensed Apple Pants

Preloaded with preview of superior iPhone 9 features