Sadly, after a quick scroll, I realized that this was not, in fact, me. It’s a dude named Chris Rueckert who is so enormous that I found myself laughing through his Instagram feed. It was also nice to realize that I had a super jacked twin because you know who else has that? Big Cat ! And Big Cat is fucking dope.

Some dude DM’d me this pic. Like most of the guys at Barstool, I get doppelgänger pics all the time. But this one was worth a deep dive because this guy looks a LOT like me, both in his body and his face. I honestly gasped when I saw that picture because I couldn’t remember taking it. I also don’t usually rock the spaghetti tanks because I’m self-conscious about my shoulders but they looked pretty diesel on that day.

Naturally, people started to wonder who would win in a fight: Buff Cat or Super Fran?

So let’s tell the tale of the tape!

Motivation: Super Fran

He’s a family man. He only has 20,000 Instagram followers while Buff Cat has 849,000. I don’t even know how that’s possible because Super Fran seems superior in every single way, but whatever– social media is a mystery. The point is, Super Fran has a lot more to fight for. Buff Cat cares way too much about coming off as a fun, goofy guy:

Hey BuffCat, while you were cutting glory holes in crepes, Super Fran was finishing his day with some high rep cable flys:

BuffCat, I remember when I ate non-complex carbs! That was back when my main benefactor was the tooth fairy, you fucking piece of shit!

What else we got?

Evolution Chart: Super Fran

When Charmander, Charmeleon, and Charizard decide to get a pump in.

When you actually look identical to Big Cat but get insecure so you roll up your shorts to show off your thighs.

Values: Super Fran

I appreciate the environment too, BuffCat, I really do. But you know what I value even more? Family. Just like Super Fran. Maybe post more pics of your mother and less pics of your luxury Elon Muskmobile. Oh wait, you haven’t spoken to her in years? Go figure.

Making other mammals look tiny: BuffCat

I’ve never seen a human being make a full-grown horse look like a pony. But that’s exactly what BuffCat did in that picture. The horse’s spine is sagging like a hammock under BuffCat’s Tour de France thighs. His toes are dragging on the ground as he rides that poor, dying animal. He looks like he’s riding a child’s bicycle covered in fur. And then he has the disrespect to make his bulldog look like a toothy gerbil? Clearly BuffCat hates animals.

Meanwhile, SuperFran appears to spend all his time surrounded by pygmies. Are those real people? Those other dudes are jacked and yet they’re topping out at his armpit. I honestly cannot believe that visual. Reminds me of someone. Now who could that be?

Overall Jackedness: SuperFran

This one isn’t even close. Hey BuffCat, ever heard of vascularity? I bet your fingers and toes are freezing in bed. You’re the type of dude who uses his girlfriend to warm up his extremities because your circulation sucks because you don’t eat enough beets. Meanwhile, SF’s body looks like a road map of a state that spends 99% of its tax dollars on highways. His hands may be peninsulas, but they stay toasty warm thanks to the spiderweb of veins that winds down his forearms. And don’t even get me started on the abs. If you tried to grate cheese on BuffCat’s abs, you’d get carpal tunnel before a single flake of parmesan landed on your pasta. Meanwhile, my guy can turn a block of brie into a bowl of alfredo sauce simply by exhaling in the dairy aisle for 10 seconds. And in the end, this is the most important category when deciding who would win in a fight.

Winner: Super Fran 3-1

PS- this video made me want to tear my hair out. Between the incredibly obnoxious commentary and the brick-laying foundation, do NOT watch this if you want to have a good day today.