Admittedly, Alma 31 is not the emotionally and mentally “tear my hair out” kind of exhausting that Alma 30 is. But, if you look deep enough, you can see the little nuggets of bullshit here and there.

I want to start off with the chapter summary that comes directly after “Chapter 31,” Because that’s where the first bit of shit starts:

Alma heads a mission to reclaim the apostate Zoramites – The Zoramites deny Christ, believe in a false concept of election, and worship with set prayers – The missionaries are filled with the Holy Spirit – Their afflictions are swallowed up in the joy of Christ. About 74 B.C.

Does anything seem off to you? Maybe not, if you’re not the reading type or the type that grew up reading The Book of Mormon a whole lot. Have you ever taking an English class or reading/writing class? How about a speech class? If you have, you probably understand the concept of rhetoric. Basically, it means that a speaker (or a writer, and so on) formulates his or her sentences, ideas, concepts, even the tone of his or her voice to convey a meaning. With rhetoric, it isn’t entirely about the words actually written down, but how the structure of those words reinforce their meaning (or even imply something.) Mormons use rhetoric like this all the time.

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Do you remember the talk given by Elder Holland, Safety for the Soul? Was it a particularly insightful talk? No. Did it teach anyone (especially Mormons) something new? Nope. Did it reveal fresh understanding to new doctrine or obscure doctrine? Nope.

So what was the purpose of that talk and was it successful in its endeavor? You bet your ass, it was. What did ever true-blue Mormon post on their facebook wall two seconds after before the talk was even finished? Quote after quote of catchy phrases from Holland’s talk. It’s been several years since I have heard the talk, and even now I can hear his voice rise as he shouts speaks with the Holy Spirit from the pulpit that anyone who leaves the church will have to go over, under, or around The Book of Mormon. Because that is how true the Book of Mormon is. It is so true that anyone who does not believe in it is a liar and they shamefully pretend not to know of its truth.

Riddle me this: If anyone who read The Book of Mormon knows with a surety that it is the Word of God, why do so many investigators not get immediately baptised upon reading even a portion of it? Why are so many members struggling with a testimony of this book? Why would anyone ever leave the church if they knew with a surety that The Book of Mormon was true? Logically speaking, they wouldn’t. People don’t just say “This is a life-changing piece of information that could affect me until the end of time, so I think I’ll just deny it for no reasons.” But Holland makes it seem that way. He says people who leave the church have no evidence, no true testimony, and no rationalization when it comes to The Book of Mormon.

So what was the point of the talk? Who was its audience? Surely not the people who had supposedly left the church with their tail between their legs. Any guesses? Talks like Safety for the Soul are written for Mormons today. They are written to ignite a sense of justification and pride in those who it compliments. It is meant to tighten the grasp the church already has on those people. If you were a TBM and heard a talk where a leader of your church basically chewed out everyone who has ever doubted (or taken action from those doubt), how would you react? You’d be like, “fuck yeah. That’s not me. I am one of the good ones.” You’d feel a little tingling in the back of your neck while a smug little grin spread across your face. Finally, someone was sticking up for you and why you are part of this church. It is for this reason that the doctrine and scripture that most infuriate exmormons (or confuses non-Mormons) are the exact same doctrine are scripture that Mormons find most rejuvenating.

Or how about the more recent example of the Dieter F. Uchtdorf Come, Join with Us talk. Though, you probably know it better as the “Doubt your doubt” talk. Powerful rhetoric that, when it comes down to it, doesn’t teach anything new or inspiring. Instead, it is designed to pull in their constituency further into their grasp while demonizing anyone who has escaped it.

This is all rhetoric. The talks are a bunch of words that are particularly structured to emphasize the weakness and cowardice of those who leave the church, while pumping up the pride of those who do not (further drawing them into the fold.) It’s kind of like patriotism, except for religion. It’s what leads protestants in many religions to believe that they can speak in tongues. It is what leads parents of sick children to believe that prayer will heal the dying. And it is what leads religiously-based terrorist attacks.

So, what does this have to do with Alma 31? Joseph Smith was a smart, cunning man. He knew how to employ rhetoric in order to draw in his believing audience and condemn anyone else. The summary of this chapter is just a good example of this, though you can find the exact same sort of rhetoric in any other Book of Mormon chapter.

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Let’s look at that heading again and we will pick it apart this time:

Alma heads a mission to reclaim the apostate Zoramites – The Zoramites deny Christ, believe in a false concept of election, and worship with set prayers – The missionaries are filled with the Holy Spirit – Their afflictions are swallowed up in the joy of Christ. About 74 B.C.

What characters are involved in this chapter?

Alma, the Zoramites, the missionaries, the Holy Spirit and Christ.

What characters are active and which are passive?

For the most part, only the Zoramites (those sons of bitches) are active. The only action any of the god-fearing men complete is “Alma heads a mission.”

Why is this important?

Think about it. How are the missionaries portrayed? They are completely empty. They are nothing. They are vessels. They do absolutely nothing – except be acted upon. The missionaries are “filled.” Their afflictions are “swallowed.” What did they do? Jack squat. They sat there and were on the receiving end of some other character.

How about the Zoramites, though? Not only are they not passive, they are actively not good. They “deny Christ.” They “believe” in false conceptions. They “worship” with set prayers*.

Joseph is portraying the Zoramites as a heaving pile of hedonism while the poor, poor missionaries are white knights who must save them from themselves.

What is actually happening, though?

Why are the missionaries so upset? Because the Zoramites believe god is a spirit (as do many religions today). Because their hearts were “set on gold, silver, and material goods.”** Because they pray in public, once a week, in front of others. They all pray for the same thing*** and they are somewhat arrogant. But is that really so bad, when you think about it? In today’s day and age, nothing they are doing would be considered criminal. Nothing would be considered bad. Maybe weird or conceited. But not bad. But once again, the white delightsome missionaries just have to butt in to “save” the “lost” sheep.****

Who really are the arrogant ones, here? The ones who talk themselves up, or the ones who butt in and say “You all are a bunch of sinners who will go to hell if you don’t line up and follow us”?

Answer: the filthy sinners who are just a bit too close to those nasty Lamanites.*****

What does Alma, the ever-loving and patient Prophet of God, do about it?

He prays.

Literally.

He prays.

It’s like this is the dick-measuring contest of the Book of Mormon.

Alma sees a group of people praying differently than he does and what does he say? “NO way, that’s MY fucking job! I’ll show you how it’s done!” Alma takes the course of an immature, know-it-all child.****** Instead of praying about how great he is, he prays about how seeing the Zoramites do it wrong hurts him.

Alma 31:24, 26 –

Now when Alma saw this his heart was grieved; for he saw that they were a wicked and perverse people…

… and he lifted up his voice to heaven, and cried saying: O, how long, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that thy servants shall dwell here below in the flesh, to behold such gross wickedness among the children of men?

What a god damn snobby thing to say. In layman’s terms, he means: “Jesus, what losers. Why are you making me witness these gross things? It’s kind of like how Fox News treats homeless people. But wait! There’s more:

Alma 31:32-33 –

O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success, and also my fellow laborers who are with me…

… Wilt thou grant unto them that they may have strength that they may bear their afflictions which shall come upon them because of the iniquities of this people.

Wow. So not only is he complaining about the what an eyesore the Zoramites are, he is asking for strength to bear even being near these guys. And yet the message we get out of Chapter 31 is that Alma = good guy and Zoramites = bad guys.

And that, my friends, is the power of rhetoric.

Let’s just say, though, for the sake of argument that the Zoramites were truly a downtrodden people who could use some charity. Maybe they were just average people wrecked by gang violence or warfare. Let’s say the average Zoramite was just a exploited poor schmuck who was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Would Alma’s actions help in that case? Would his prayers and antagonistic, arrogant preaching help these people? If you were this hypothetical Zoramite, would react well to being told you’re a sinful, prideful dissenter of God? So even if the Zoramites were truly a mess of political problems, social issues, and just plain dangerous shit, Alma did fucking nothing to help them. He was no white knight. He provided exactly zero charity to these people that he stood above and stared at down his nose. He is made out to be some great, worthy-of-respect Prophet, but all he really does is reaffirm his own beliefs while shoving down anybody else’s. Just like Elder Holland or Uchtdorf, or hundreds of other church leaders who want to convince you of something without providing clear, logical evidence.

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* D&C 20:77, 79

** Unlike Mormons today who are so humble, poor, and lower class.

*** Please help me find my keys. Plz.

**** In case you didn’t know, the Zoramites are described as “dissenters” from the Nephites. So they’re even worse than normal sinners, because at one point, they knew the truth and still dissented.

***** They’re just so…so… tribal. You know? Even the best of them are, at their best, just noble savages.

****** Well, he is Alma the Younger.