WASHINGTON, DC— The US Senate and House of Representatives have become the latest victims in the ongoing government shutdown. According to a government memo released earlier Tuesday morning, all Congressional members were instructed to tidy up their offices, record out-of-office voicemails, and prepare for an extended government shutdown. The 535 Senators and Representatives now join the ranks of National Park employees, government biochemical researchers, and EPA officials in being furloughed until further notice. “It’s just awful,” said Republican senator Kelly Ayotte while clearing Beluga caviar and Perrier-Jouet champagne from the mahogany-plated mini-fridge installed in her custom-made desk. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I guess I could finish supplying that ghostwriter whatever personal information he needs for my memoirs.”

Other legislators shared a bleaker outlook. During a radio interview, Representative Michael McCaul worried about missing paychecks: “I’m not sure how long I can hold out. Sure, I have a little rainy day fund stashed in an off-shore Swedish bank account, but who knows how long three-hundred million dollars will last?” The Texan further lamented about the impact the shutdown would have on his dependants: “What’ll happen to my mistress? Where will she live when the money stops trickling down and I can’t afford to put her up in the Ritz? I guess she could stay on one of my docked yachts with my ship captain.. They get along famously, but she’ll have to sleep in the starboard guest suite, and it doesn’t even have a bidet.”

Representative Darrell Issa echoed these concerns for his family when I found him loading his famed collection of ghost orchids into the back of his yellow Hummer H1 in the West Congressional parking lot: “I have fourteen Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, and with winter just around the corner I’m not sure if I’ll be able to afford new seasonably-fashionable cashmere sweaters for them all. What kind of father lets his Spaniels go cold during the holidays?” Senator Issa continued to show me photos of his dogs that he had in his wallet and told me each of their names.

House member Rick Berg was easily the most nervous of the bunch, having just commissioned a twenty-foot marble statue in his likeness riding a bronze moose with jade-sculpted horn owls flanking either side of its antlers in mid-flight. “Some of these guys are pretty well off. Me? I’m not even in the top ten wealthiest Congressional members. How typical that unlucky number thirteen would hire the fifth most famous Chinese sculptor to cement his legacy with a piece of art—only to have the Chinese government repossess it if I can’t make my next payment on Thursday.”

How long the government shutdown will last remains to be seen. When I asked Senator Orrin Hatch for his best guess, the eighty year-old told me that his was as good as mine. “I’ve tried reaching my local senator from my office phone, but the line has been busy every time. Damn senators. Figured he was probably off on vacation in Jamaica or something, but when I asked my pal at the FBI to trace the number he said calls were coming from INSIDE THE CAPITOL. Well I hauled tail straight to Utah and I ain’t looking back. That’s why I’m calling you from a payphone somewhere on That place is haunted I tells ya!”

In related news, I’m publishing this dispatch from my phone inside the Capitol. If anyone is reading this, please send help to the second elevator at the end of the East Corridor. I’m stuck between floors and the emergency phone appears to be non-functional.

—

The above piece is a work of satire by Matthew Preston. You can reach him on twitter @mattyp90 or email him at matthew@stage773.com