SPF creep has hit the triple digits with Neutrogena’s SPF 100+ sunblock, leading some dermatologists to complain that this is merely a numbers game that confuses consumers. —The Times.

SPF 4—You’re joking, right? This is some kind of joke? 4? We make this stuff for armadillos. Or maybe you’re one of those “adrenaline junkies” looking for another freakish way to court death. Seriously, people, the sun is deadly. It’s a giant ball of fire, literally, and it will kill you . . . if you let it.

SPF 12—Great for practical jokes, if your idea of funny is making someone think they are protected from the sun’s seriously fucking powerful and harmful rays when they’re actually not. Bonus: Comes with an “I AM, OR ONE DAY WILL BE, A DANGEROUSLY NEGLECTFUL PARENT” visor.

SPF 30—Perfect for driving all night through a rainstorm.

SPF 50—Acceptable for most summer daytime use if applied correctly, which is to say, ingested orally via four separate SPF “sunshakes,” two in the morning and two after lunch, each made with three parts sunblock lotion to two parts heavy cream. Tip: Another tasty option is our “SPF-egg-white omelette.” No carbs!

SPF 75—Slathering oneself in a good SPF 75 says something to the world. It says, “I don’t mind spending a little extra if it means doing what’s right.” And “Clearly the health of my skin is more important to me than the health of your skin is to you, and, while that is sad, all I can do is lead, because I am a leader.”

SPF 100—This is to SPF 99 and below as excellent heroin is to Capri Sun juice boxes. If you haven’t already, ask yourself: Are you gonna run with the big dogs? Or stay on the porch with the pups?

SPF 125—Remember the first time you were allowed into an airport first-class lounge? Or experienced oral sex? Add using SPF 125 sunscreen to the list of experiences that you will never forget.

SPF 150—Nothing will make you feel as safe and protected and confident and prepared. Because SPF 150 does something more powerful than just protect you from the sun a hundred times better than the ridiculous, flimsy, paper-thin skin God gave you. SPF 150 actually repels the fear and anxiety and vulnerability and paralyzing paralysis that affects so many of us each and every time we walk outside during daylight hours. It’s patented, and made in Norway, by Norwegians. So say it out loud: The rest of your life starts now.

SPF 175—Ever wanted to have unprotected sex with a prostitute in Haiti? Don’t answer. Doesn’t matter. The point is with SPF 175 that’s now an option.

SPF 200—The truth is, most people are never going to need the level of protection this lotion provides. Recently indicted? Not a problem. Being hunted by a pack of rogue genetically mutated polar bears? Have a sandwich. Take a nap. Seriously, make yourself a sandwich, then go take a nap, because there is nothing out there that you have to worry about ever again. The nightmare is over.

SPF 233—Close your eyes. Good. Now imagine a world without poverty and disease, where children of all races and religions join hands and sing old Negro spirituals, a place where the vicious cycles of boom and bust are replaced by never-ending Wonder Wheels of boom . . . and boom. SPF 233 is not inexpensive. But, in the war against the evil that is the sun, can you put a price on freedom? ♦