I’ve been reading the recent controversy over whether or not to rename Lake Calhoun. Frankly, I don’t get the controversy.

It was named a long time ago for John C. Calhoun, a racist Southern slave owner who never set foot in Minnesota and considered blacks to be subhuman. Hey, now.

I’m surprised it took this long and that it took the South Carolina church massacre for this to become an issue here. What’s the problem? Change the freaking name already.

I suggest going back to Lake Medoza, the name the Dakota inhabitants gave it before European-descendant settlers muscled in and honored this segregationist in such a manner. It means Lake Loon. Since I don’t think loons owned human slaves or supported segregation, I’m more than cool with the retro nomenclature change.

“Hey, babe, let’s go to Lake Medoza/Lake Loon and do some people- and duck-watching.” Both roll off the tongue as least as nice as Calhoun. Works for me.

CALHOUN: ‘GIVE HIM 30 LASHES’

I have little tolerance for the Lake Calhoun name defenders. They whine about being PC or maintaining the name because of a distorted sense of preserving history and tradition.

One self-described local historian recently penned a ridiculous commentary in the Enemy Newspaper on keeping the name because Calhoun was “two different people” and we should continue to honor the better one. Sounds like Sybil absent 14 of the 16 split personalities.

Essentially, as the argument went, Calhoun was in his early years a Yale-educated and patriotic “war hawk” who supported defending the nation in 1812 from British invaders. As a senator, congressman and two-time vice president, he is credited with if not lauded for pushing in Congress for development of military forts in Minnesota and the far north. For that, Army officers renamed Lake Medoza in his honor.

“That Fort Snelling proved to be the genesis of the Twin Cities and triggered a chain of events that led to the settlement and development of Minnesota is no minor matter,” this guy wrote. My response? Ask the Dakota people what they think of those forts and that biased historical perspective.

To be fair, this writer acknowledges that “Tragically, the years after 1825 changed Calhoun from a strong nationalist to a hard, ardent sectionalist who unashamedly defended slavery, even at the expense of criticizing the Declaration of Independence.”

This is what Calhoun once said after a plantation slave supposedly disobeyed: “I wish you to have him lodged in jail for one week, to be fed on bread and water and to employ someone for me to give him 30 lashes well laid on, at the end of the time. I hope you will pardon the trouble.”

And we still want the largest lake in the state’s largest city to be named after this guy? I’m all ears.

NOW, ABOUT LAKE PHALEN …

Now that we are on this subject, let’s take a look at the two major Saintly City lakes. Given that I’m a transplanted East Coast fella, I initially thought Lake Como was named after the singer Perry Como. I figured flyover country would identify with such an immensely popular but milquetoast vocalist.

I found out that it was named after the more famous Lake Como in Italy. No problem at all there.

But I’m going to stir the dust on Lake Phalen. Now, that name also rolls off the tongue. It was named for Edward Phalen, an early Irish settler in St. Paul. But this guy underwent trial for whacking a longtime business partner with whom he shared a cabin on the bluff.

This is what “The Street Where You Live,” a local book about St. Paul, says about this character:

The former Army officer “boasted of the lawless and criminal life he had led before the army, and neighbors here reported him immoral, cruel, revengeful, and unscrupulous,” according to the book’s author, Donald Empson.

He was acquitted of the murder charges, but then fled to California after he was re-indicted. In 1850, while on the lam, he was reportedly killed by traveling companions in self-defense.

NAME IT NATURALLY

Natural things like lakes and mountains should not be named after people. They should be named in accordance with Mother Nature. I have no problems with White Bear, Sunfish or Lake Minnetonka (which means “big water” in the Dakota language).

My favorite name of any lake in the Gopher State is Lake of the Woods (originally Lac des Bois). Sounds alluring, rustic, majestic. But I hope it wasn’t named after Tiger, the golfer with the chronic bad back and call-girl scandal problems.

Heck, I think Lake Rosario sounds more deserving a name than Lake Calhoun or Phalen. I don’t mean me, the humble but wretched sinner and ink-stained wretch. I mean Eddie Rosario — as long as the Twins rookie (no known relation yet, but I’m adopting him anyway) pans out long term, has nothing nasty in his past and continues to tear the cover off the baseball at the plate.

Rubén Rosario can be reached at 651-228-5454 or email at rrosario@pioneerpress.com. Follow him at twitter.com/nycrican.