June 12th 2018

My partner, Sam Nicholls has just completed his PhD Viva on the 8th June around 2pm (9:30am start) – he monitored his heart rate and plotted it, seems quite a traumatic event, you can see his heart rate graph here. He handed in on the 22nd May, meaning he only had 3 weeks to prepare for his Viva, which is quite unusual in my knowledge. The Viva was a success and he has four weeks of corrections.



I am writing this blog post to acknowledge the stress that PhD students experience and what we, their partners, witness. Whilst I am not a PhD student and have not walked that path, I can somewhat understand stress being a Masters student. Please note: speaking to PhD students, do not fret, this post is not in any way trying to say that you are annoying/grumpy/sad people - you are very well allowed to feel whatever you feel.



And whilst the Viva is such a stressful event, the writing up is an even more a stressful period. But many people don't discuss that it can be quite draining for a PhD candidate’s partner. We, the partner, watch them write-up, endure the ups and downs of their PhD, and generally first-hand observe the emotional impacts. All of these, impact us too.



Fun side-note: I secretly kept track of the funniest things and emotion levels that my partner experienced during his 3rd and 4th year of his bioinformatics (computational biology) PhD and plotted the results! We can observe that his emotions vary frequently, even in times he seems happy or grumpy, he was often the opposite: screaming how "bioinformatics is shit" seems like an angry thing to say yet he was manic laughing.



I would like to start that writing up a PhD thesis seems demanding, you set your own goals/deadlines and it seems often some feel an impending doom. It’s quite a tense period for the PhD candidate, they are writing so much that they just want it to stop. A PhD can change a person, perhaps temporarily or permanently. My partner did not seem himself for a while, silver hair started to grow, and he looked like a ghost often.



My partner started his PhD in October 2014 - at the same time I started my undergraduate. We actually met once in October/November 2014 and wouldn’t meet again until October 2016, his 3rd year of his PhD and my final year of my undergraduate. When we met for the second time he told me how he took a month long holiday after attending a conference, which changed him for the better and that his paper was rejected with a reviewer stating that his computational method needed biological evidence.

In the Summer of 2017, Sam went into the lab, wet lab, to prove his work; which I assisted a little: read a bit about it here. After this he started his 4th year of his PhD in October 2017, when I started my Masters Degree. From November 2017, Sam started to sleep talk more, he would talk about sequences, science, and "bad men at the bank" (who were planning on 'taking' him). I would say that Sam's write up officially started in February 2018 with the aim to hand in around Easter. Sam seemed glad that the end of his PhD was starting.



Note: a lot of people work differently: some write-up only in the 9-5 work-hours, some work full days (including after 5pm) but ensure weekends are a break, and others work all day every day. Every PhD student writes-up differently, there is no 'correct' method. I work best with food!

Sam works best by focusing on his work all the time. Taking breaks puts him off his work and he finds it difficult to get back into it. As a result, Sam worked all day, every day. Though at first this did not bother me, eventually it was a slight strain: I wanted to go out and do things, yet also wanted him to focus on his thesis. It was quite conflicting, but in all Sam had to think of himself and his future, and I’m proud he did this. If he spends weekends doing other stuff his thesis may have been delayed further. To prove my support of working weekends and to help encourage him further, I spent weekends working too: focusing on current modules – one instance spending a lovely Saturday in the university library with him.



I started to play the game, Stellaris, with Sam. His friend introduced him to it and Sam loved it. I would encourage him to play as he needed to have a break and enjoyed “purging the shit” out of the mean aliens. He also found enjoyment from mead - the weather was also a factor in his mood: Sam doesn’t like rain because it means walking up to campus for work was a pain plus it reminded him of his bees and he pondered if they were doing well.

Towards the end, I assisted Sam by creating a to-do list for him. Due to the strain of not really seeing him often, this to-do list acitivity was fun to create co-operatively. This way I felt more involved: I could keep tabs on him during the day to observe which tasks he completed and would jokingly message that he needed to “chop-chop” – especially when I saw him ‘tweeting’ too much on Twitter, for example. Keeping track on your partner's PhD progress may help: it definitely helped Sammy and I, he liked the feeling of encouragement and I felt more involved.

There was a sense of appreciation I felt when I saw this tweet: Sam was stating that the to-do list, and I, were holding his life together.



One thing that didn't change was that Sam and I would eat dinner together every night, I appreciated that he continued to eat dinner with me. But it felt that we never actually had the time to spend together alone: it was quite stressful living with people, at times it was a little too much for me. It didn’t help that this stress started to cause slight insomnia: I would try to wake up early, in order to feel sleepy when Sam wanted to sleep. However, because I felt alone often during the day, I would stay in bed longer longer, but then regret it later that night when I couldn’t sleep.



On a bit of a serious note, Sam changed and your partner might too. Like stated earlier, it could be temporarily. Luckily Sam didn't change permanently, since his Viva he's already got more spring in his step and I can't stop hugging him to see him so energetic. But during his write-up, at times, Sam was a little more grumpy with his work and would scream at his laptop at times: I found him rocking back and forth looking confused. He begged often for this to be over and it makes you feel powerless/helpless to see them drained. Despite being grumpier, it did not affect anything specifically, if anything he gained a different sort of humour through being slightly more sarcastic at everything, making me giggle, and in return I would gain a smile.

But in all it was quite difficult, seeing him so worn out all the time. I would comfort often when things would get a little on top of him, sometimes wrapping him up like a burrito would make him laugh, a laugh that was difficult to hear during this difficult time. My goals frequently would be to get a laugh from him, even if it was a sarcastic thumbs up.

Do you like puns, or do you just hate mine?

Last Edited: 21:40 | 2018/06/12

Finally, Sam handed in his binded thesis . Then the Viva started to approach, the panic settled in. But in all was a success and he was dressed very smart with his chromosome tie ! In fact, a few days later he already had a job interview, where he again wore the beautiful tie.This may sound cheesy, but in all, remember to comfort and love them! Your encouragement does more than you may realise. It can be tough, but they want it over as much as you. The worst experience is watching them have their ups and downs. Seeing them so happy one day, then the next looking pale from the rejected grants.It was quite heart-wrenching, I did the best to make small gestures to motivate Sam: I bought him lunch/breakfast whenever I could, I made him tomato soup when he was ill, and almost every day before he left for work I said, “fight, win!” in hope it would be motivating Despite some of my advice saying that you should try and involve yourself, some PhD students prefer to work alone, which would perhaps make the situation more difficult for some. Luckily, my partner liked having me around and enjoyed that I was involved. Sam wanting to work on weekends and me a little selfish wanting to spend time with him, a compromise was formed and we worked alongside each other together (not before buying snacks) - your partner may appreciate the company. You could make a to-do list with them, go through their thesis step by step and ensure sections/chapters are correct. Finally, if they seem grumpier, try and not let it affect your mood too. Though I totally understand that it's easier said than done.Whilst I say all these things, I know it’s completely different with every relationship: every person is different. During my undergraduate degree, Sam would buy cookies, suggest tools, and encourage me – so I wanted to ensure I would do the same for him. We both knew it would be a rocky road but I was determined to help smoothen that path for him.Thanks to Tom (Sam’s ‘boyf’), for keeping Sam sane when he was on campus. I ship your bromance.Thanks to his lab, Creevey Lab , Aberystwyth Computer Science , and IBERS Thanks to his supervisors…Thanks to viva panel… Reyer Zwiggelaar : chair of the viva James McInerney : external examiner Martin Swain : internal examinerthe links of emotions direct you to owl gifs – Sam loves owls.tl;dr: go to the garage shop next door every morning to buy your partner that delicious ciabatta coronation chicken sandwich to make his day before the writing even begins.