BOSTON – Conservative leadership hopeful Kevin O’Leary announced this week that he would not participate in the party’s upcoming candidates’ debate in Edmonton, denouncing the event as “terribly bilingual.”

“I have said from the beginning that it is a bad format to have 14 people on stage, answering the same question in French,” explained the Dragon’s Den star in a release. “It allows for no time for ideas to be examined, or any real debate to transpire, as it involves a language of which I have absolutely no comprehension. Like, zero. Nil. Nada. Wait, ‘nada’ – is that French?”

O’Leary noted that, in addition to exposing his own intellectual shortcomings, requiring him to outline his policies in any language other than English would also represent a massive disservice to voters in his home riding of Boston, Massachusetts.

“But you don’t see me asking Maxime Bernier to drop his R’s, or use colloquialisms like ‘So don’t I’, ‘Leaf Peepahs,’ or ‘Massholes,’ he complained.

As an alternative, O’Leary promised to hold an “intimate fireside chat” at a nearby Edmonton hotel during the leadership debate, for an audience of “local small business owners from the paid companionship industry, as well as their garishly-dressed payment processors.”

While the other 13 Tory leadership hopefuls were quick to criticize O’Leary for not participating in the debate, they did concede that his absence would provide each of them with more time to introduce voters to crucial aspects of their own campaigns, including their names, the fact that they exist, and that they’re also running for leadership of the Conservative Party.