WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Three players in the Little League World Series, two from West-region teams and one from the Southwest, tested positive for “cute little child-sized doses of performance-enhancing drugs” in the “most adorable little scandal” ever to rock youth baseball, Little League Baseball officials announced Monday. “Although the little scamps approached us and accepted full responsibility in the matter, I didn’t know whether to hug the poor misguided kids or wring their beefy, pumped-up little necks.” The scandal is considered the worst in Little League history, eclipsing even the Junior Black Sox of 1919, who intentionally lost their last game in exchange for $250 worth of ice cream.

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