Her Boyfriend Isn't Gay or Bi But He Is Sucking Dicks in Glory Holes

Happy new year! Bisexual woman here. My boyfriend really likes glory hole porn. I asked him if he had ever been to one, and he said no. Then out of the blue this week he said that he had lied and actually likes to go to glory holes occasionally—but only to give blowjobs, never to get them. He says he's not bisexual or gay. However, the amount that he jokes about being gay, giving blowjobs, etc., makes me think he might be gay or bisexual and is coming to terms with his sexuality. I wouldn't have any problems with this—I dated women for ten years prior to him—but he emphatically swears he's straight and often points out that he doesn't like gay porn, he doesn't like to see gay men being affectionate, etc. So, a few questions: Should I support my BF around exploring his sexuality? Does he even need to explore this? Do you think this is a kink or a part of his sexual orientation or both? And how can I personally protect myself from STIs? He says that they don't use condoms in glory holes. He says he gets tested after he goes but I'm not sure how frequently he does this. I'm OK with him making his own decisions about his health, but I also want to protect myself. He gave me a treatable STI already, but he says it was from a previous female partner. Getting Lost Over Real Yearnings Sponsored Port Townsend Film Festival Stream 24/7 - Watch 75 curated films with filmmaker interviews & special events. Support local arts!

I'm gonna take your long list of questions as they came...

1. "Should I support my BF around exploring his sexuality?"

Your boyfriend hasn't exactly been waiting around for your support. He's been out there exploring glory holes without your support or your consent, GLORY, and he's going to keep on giving blowjobs with or without your support or consent. While he recently let you know he's been sucking dick in glory holes all this time, it doesn't sound like he asked how you felt about it or whether it was okay with you if he kept on sucking dicks in glory holes. If you're fine with it and/or you think it's hot, GLORY, then grant retroactive approval to all past blowjobs and prior approval for all future blowjobs. But don't kid yourself: your boyfriend didn't ask you for permission to suck all those dicks and he's not going to stop sucking dicks now.

2. "Does he even need to explore this?"

Evidently.

3. "Do you think this is a kink or part of his sexual orientation or both?"

Some people think kink is a sexual orientation—kinks are certainly hard wired and not chosen—but, even if they're not, drawing a neat line between a person's kink (or kinks) and their sexual orientation isn't always easy. Or possible. Or necessary. But sure, GLORY, this may be a fetishistic desire on your boyfriend's part or he could be the tiniest bit bisexual and this is how your boyfriend expresses his tiny bit of bisexuality and only his unresolved homophobia/biphobia prevents him from conceiving of himself as bisexual. Or he could be secretly be a whole lotta gay but sucking dicks in glory holes is all the gay he'll allow himself.

Or he could be one of those non-gay/non-bi guys who loves to suck the occasional dick. While a guy with a girlfriend at home and a dick in his mouth is going to be perceived to be at least bisexual by most comers, there are guys who aren't into men—not at all—but who love sucking dick. Many of them patronize trans women who do sex work because they want dick without dude.

But the fact your boyfriend doesn't like to see gay men being affectionate smacks less of, "Not gay or bi, not at all gay or bi, nothing to see here," and more of, "Internalized homophobia and other issues and possibly bi or maybe even gay." The sight of two men being appropriately affectionate in public wouldn't make him feel anything if there weren't some other underlying issue. So while I want to acknowledge the existence, the lived experience, and the validity of straight boys who like to suck cock but who are in no other way attracted to men, this detail—your boyfriend's discomfort around gay men—could be a sign that something else is going on with him.

As for the amount of joking he does... that doesn't have to mean he's gay or bi. It could just mean he's having a hard time wrapping his head around who he is and the jokes are his way of working through his own discomfort and/or self-loathing and/or cognitive dissonance. Just as his sexual orientation is a mystery to you, GLORY, it could be a mystery to him. So he jokes around about the dicks he likes to suck—which is better then beating up the guys whose dicks he's just sucked, which is traditionally how conflicted cocksuckers worked through their own discomfort and self-loathing.

4. "And how can I personally protect myself from STIs?"

You can personally break up with your boyfriend. Oral is a less efficient mode of transmission for most STIs, GLORY, so he's less likely to contract an STI blowing some dude than if he were engaging in anal intercourse. But gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, etc., can all be transmitted orally. And while it's good "he gets tested after" visiting a glory hole, an after-the-fact STI check doesn't magically confer immunity on the person who gave (or got) the blowjob. By the time he realizes he's contracted something—by the time a test comes back positive—your boyfriend will very likely have passed whatever he contracted on to you.

5. "I'm not sure how frequently he does this."

More frequently than he lets on. If he lied to you then about whether he was doing it, GLORY, then he's probably lying to you now about how often he does it.

6. "I'm OK with him making his own decisions about his health, but I also want to protect myself."

I'm not okay with the way your boyfriend made decisions that may have already impacted your health without informing you in advance and getting your consent. It was a shitty, selfish thing to do and you have a right to be angry about it, GLORY, and you aren't obligated to put up with this shit just because he's exploring his sexuality or struggling with internalized homophobia/biphobia. Dumping him—freeing him to explore on his own—may be the most supportive thing you can do.

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