CLEVELAND—Shrieking at the top of his lungs as he scuttled through Quicken Loans Arena during a game between Wichita State and Notre Dame, sources confirmed Thursday that a fully nude, ash-streaked Dick Vitale was observed loudly proclaiming that this is what March Madness is all about. “Sweet 16, perimeter J’s, diaper dandies—that’s what we came here to see, baby!” a seemingly dissociative Vitale screamed, barging over several spectators as he stumbled down the arena steps and grabbed a CBS camera to directly address viewers. “Slam, bam, jams! Dishing up the rock! Cleaning the glass! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! It’s March Madness, baby!” At press time, officials were forced to temporarily halt play as an increasingly belligerent Vitale wrestled the ball away from Notre Dame guard Jerian Grant, shouted that he was “going all the way to Indy,” and then sprinted out of the arena.

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