Washington D.C.—

A new year means a new governmental audit, and the bureaucratic review of 2017 offered statistics President Donald Trump began calling “fake news” before the official report was even published.

The Department of Public Governance’s (DPG) exhaustive analysis of the United States’ federal bureaucracy found that Mr. Trump is officially the laziest federal worker ever recorded since the DPG began compiling annual reports in 1822 per the Bureaucratic Accountability Act of 1821 signed into law by James Monroe.

The Act was motivated by a scandal in the Monroe Administration, in which a mid-level Department of War official named Burris Harrison was found to have been paid full salary for two years despite never showing up for even a single day of work. Harrison had gotten away with his scam under the guise of conducting “field research,” while actually spending his time gambling federal money in a saloon on the Ohio frontier.

Since the Act’s signing (and Harrison’s firing), no federal employee has come close to such truancy and laziness…until President Donald Trump.

“In the interest of transparency, we literally had to restructure our organizational hierarchy and retool our grading guidelines because the current President’s level of incompetence was unheard of and entirely novel, especially in modern political times,” explained DPG Chairman Mike Rollings. “Don’t get me wrong, our department’s annual reports have discovered lazy, incompetent federal workers before and recommended firings and/or retraining initiatives to their various executive branch department heads, but never has a federal worker so brazenly abandoned the bare minimum requirements of his or her job as President Trump. Not only has the guy spent 1/3rd of his work year on vacation, he goes on vacation to properties he personally owns. This means he’s not only lazy from a governmental standpoint, but that he’s also an incredibly lazy worker at the Trump Organization. He’s not looking for any new clients, investors, business partners, or even customers. He’s literally being his own customer, and—for all intents and purposes—straight up embezzling taxpayer money into his own bank account. It’s like inception of laziness.”

In the conclusion of the DPG’s report, the department issued an entirely unparalleled recommendation for a bureaucratic solution to Trump’s unparalleled laziness.

“Of course our report was controversial, but—from a bureaucratic-integrity standpoint—we could not think of a more rational or obvious solution to improving the US bureaucracy than impeaching Trump and removing him from office,” explained Rollins. “The guy has spent all of 2017 wasting America’s time, money, global reputation, and civil decency. We studied Trump’s effect on the government, and it’s painfully unambiguous that America’s government would actually function better without any president at all than it currently functions with Mr. Trump at the helm. It’s a controversial recommendation to fire the President, but—let’s be honest—would McDonalds or Walmart or any other employer anywhere continue to employ a worker as blatantly lazy and incompetent as Trump? I think we can all agree that our democratic government and our public bureaucracy would be instantly and wholly improved by trimming the fat, so to speak, with President Trump.”

The Trump Administration’s recent press report describing the President’s plan to lighten his work schedule further in 2018 suggests Mr. Trump will likely break his own record of laziness this year.

(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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