In what has come as devastating news to a young business owner and the six staff they employ, it appears a brand new café has been lost amongst Melbourne’s iconic laneways. It has only been open for two days, but ‘GRAIN’ has received glowing reviews on it’s coffee, food and atmosphere…. but now its location is getting one star.

“I’m understandably upset.” says cafe owner, Marc O’Poloh. “My wife and I have been up and down all the laneways we think it’s in and we ended up getting so confused we had to tie string to each other to find our way back to the car. I’ve also had my chef have a go at looking, but he smokes so much weed he can barely remember where he lives; he’s actually been staying at my house.”

Mr O’Poloh has now put a call out to any patrons or reviewers that might have visited in the last few days in an effort to try and track down the premises. He’s also desperate to locate the shop due to the fact their chef can’t remember if he turned the gas off or not.

Victoria Police are unable to help as you can’t technically report a business entity ‘missing’ like a person.

“This is definitely the most bizarre case we’ve had in some time”, says Senior Sgt Barry Sawine from Victoria Police’s Missing Persons Unit. “We’ve allocated a couple of resources to assist in the search but it’s like a fucking labyrinth in there, and I’m not referring to the David Bowie exhibit. Hahaha.” Sergeant Sawine’s face drops from manic laughter to grim terror, “But seriously, we’ve already reported three officers missing this year because of Melbourne’s laneways. People should always let a loved one know if they’re going to look at graffiti or have a long macchiato down one of those colourful concrete tubes.”

Mr O’Poloh fails to see the funny side of it all. He contends with each day the café remains closed, he loses a few thousand dollars.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of GRAIN or can assist the venue owners, please head to their website for contact details: www.grain.com.au