Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I believe that one way that family becomes close to one another is sharing space and making the best out of any situation.

My son and his new wife are always warm and cordial, but they seem to go out of their way not to spend a lengthy amount of time with us. For example, we were attending a family wedding, and I suggested we all take one car. My son declined, and when I pressed, he said that it would be too crowded and that they would like to leave whenever they want. Second example: For Thanksgiving, my son said they were getting a hotel room, and I asked why. He said our house is too crowded and uncomfortable for overnight visits.

I genuinely feel like there is a distance between my son and his wife and the rest of us because of these choices. I offered a compromise — that they stay with us one night and get a hotel another. My son said no.

I feel uncomfortable with this situation and desperately want to be closer with them both, the kind of closeness you get from sharing space and making compromises. But I feel like I am the only one compromising! Why do they just get to decide how our relationship is, and I just have to go along with it?

I’m almost positive they stay with her parents, and I really want to know why they are so resistant to staying with us. I am drafting an email to my daughter-in-law about this but wanted your opinion first.

St. Louis

St. Louis: NO! Don’t send the email!!!

Never in nearly 20 years of writing this column have I seen in-laws become closer by insisting they deserve more closeness.

And how is your being comfortable with no other arrangement than their staying with you not “decid[ing] how our relationship is”?

They’re deciding where they stay — totally their prerogative. You don’t get to “compromise” on other people’s business.

Deciding to equate housing with closeness, meanwhile, is your prerogative, so you can decide otherwise — for example, to see housing as housing and closeness as closeness. To respect their decision is another option. Because that directly affects how close your relationship is, you have a lot more influence than you acknowledge.

A closer relationship happens when BOTH of you — you and your daughter-in-law — accept each other as-is. You can be an obstacle to that process by digging in and sending wounded, blamey emails, or you can lead by example through warm acceptance.

Which includes: Being happy to see them. Not criticizing or seeing yourself as the victim of their choices. Seeing the strength in their choices: “By all means, enjoy your privacy.” Paying attention to verbal and nonverbal cues about their comfort when they visit. Not having tantrums.

People visit longer and more often when there’s a welcoming, nonjudgmental environment. Freedom and space, ironically, bring you closer than grabbing on.

Re: St. Louis: “I believe that one way that family becomes close . . . is sharing space.” Or, you could say another way family becomes close is by creating and supporting an environment where people can be honest about their wishes and preferences, and then honoring and respecting those preferences without applying consequence or punishment.

Anonymous

Anonymous: Boom.