WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.


The nation’s nearly 320 million citizens all confirmed that the Penn State community’s repeated denials of the school’s culpability, continued displays of reverence for their former football head coach Joe Paterno, and failure to meaningfully acknowledge and respect the victims suggest that they share a very warped perspective on the world and may indeed be suffering from some kind of serious mental health condition.

“You all need to know that what you are doing and saying is extremely strange and that you should stop,” said Alex Gilani, 35, of Tacoma, WA, adding that “it should be pretty obvious” that holding halftime tributes to the late Paterno, who did nothing to prevent his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky from sexually abusing dozens of children, is totally unacceptable. “All of us find it very strange that you cheer for him during games, paint his name on signs to hold up in the crowd, and attempt to restore a statue of him on campus.”


“That’s not normal,” continued Gilani. “In fact, it’s downright disturbing.”

According to reports, residents of all 50 states concurred that only a group of people who lack the most basic sense of self-awareness and decency could whitewash Joe Paterno’s enormous failures while continuing to celebrate his achievements in football. Millions of Americans also repeatedly stressed that Paterno’s decades of off-the-field charity work does not mitigate the damage he caused, and anyone who believes that it does has a dangerously distorted view of reality.


The entire populace emphasized that they were “very, very troubled” by suggestions from those affiliated with Penn State that only Sandusky is to blame, and that the university was unfairly targeted at the expense of players and coaches who had nothing to do with the scandal. Focusing on all of those things, rather than the many children molested by one of their coaches, is very bad and very odd, according to virtually every single person outside of State College, PA.

Americans went on to say that it would take an extremely sick and troubled mind to read the findings in the Freeh Report and then somehow disagree with Paterno’s immediate firing, while furthermore still believing in restoring his 111 victories confiscated by the NCAA.


“Please, take a few minutes to look outside the bubble of Happy Valley and think—really think—about what actually happened at your university under your coach’s watch,” said Sheila Mitchell, 45, of Duluth, MN, adding that “any normal, mature adult” would be able to recognize and accept that their former head coach had made unforgivable mistakes and should no longer be deified by thousands of people. “I mean, imagine if you found out that someone totally unaffiliated with Penn State had known that a man they employed was raping children, and not only did they not alert the authorities, but they didn’t even fire the guy. Would you still like, let alone support, that person? Probably not, right?”

“Then again, who knows—maybe you would,” Mitchell added. “Maybe that’s how far gone you really are.”


While acknowledging that the unsettling behavior of the Penn State community must represent their way of coping with what happened, many Americans sternly reminded students and alumni that disavowing and distancing themselves from Paterno would not mean they are betraying their school, and would in fact at least start to restore the institution’s reputation across the country. Furthermore, millions of citizens confirmed that while it was perhaps somewhat understandable to feel the impulse to defend their longtime coach when the scandal initially broke, continuing to do so years later is “completely deranged and psychotic.”

“If your immediate response to the thought of Joe Paterno is anything other than ‘Forget what he did as a football coach; that guy is a despicable human being, and I never want to see or hear that piece of shit’s name anywhere on the Penn State campus ever again,’ then you’ve totally lost your grasp of right and wrong,” said 29-year-old Sacramento, CA resident Alex Whelen. “Stop acting this way. Please. You’re being a bunch of delusional, selfish assholes.”


“And by the way, this is what absolutely everybody thinks of you guys,” Whelen added. “You do realize that, right?”

The American public went on to clarify that those associated with Penn State who do not harbor positive feelings toward Paterno but continue to sit quietly during conversations where their fellow classmates, family, or alumni articulate these views are “not any better” and are “actually pretty weak and pathetic in their own right.”


The entire nation also stated that given the circumstances, continuing to call Paterno by the endearing nickname “JoePa” is “just fucking creepy.”

“At this point, we’re not even angry about the way you act anymore; we’re mostly just concerned for your mental well-being,” said Peter Rowland, 41, of Lakeland, FL, adding that anyone valuing the legacy of a football coach over the lives of child sex abuse victims clearly lacks the ability to function as a healthy member of society. “Watching you guys carry on like this is extremely sad and, frankly, totally embarrassing to the rest of us. We really hope you seek out counseling or therapy, because you’ve clearly got some issues.”


“You need help—professional help,” Rowland added. “All of you.”

Reached for comment, the Penn State community responded to the nation by shouting “S-T-A-T-E! Go! State!”