Ramelle Bintz

Door County Advocate

Tree ornaments designate "First Christmas together" and "Baby's First Christmas" but for some families in Door County, this is their first Christmas apart.

The sting of the loss of a loved one makes this time of year especially difficult, said Sturgeon Bay funeral director Todd Huehns. He and other funeral directors in Door County confirmed that death rates increase during the winter, roughly following the pattern of daylight saving time.

They attempt to comfort families reeling from a death of a loved one during what is supposed to be the happiest time of year. The sense of loss feels even greater when the family is gathered for a holiday dinner facing an empty chair or staring at gifts intended for their loved one

Huehns said because so many are affected by loss, sometimes returning to the funeral home for support, he and local ministers will present their first program called "A Service of Remembrance: Navigating Grief Through the Holidays." Beginning at 6:30 p.m. Saturday at Huehns Funeral Home in Sturgeon Bay, the special service is open to anyone living in Door County who has a family member who has died.

"It's so busy during the holidays," he said, "when death comes, everything comes to a halt. They need to know it's OK to step away from the holiday. They can have a 'bah humbug' day. It's OK to be angry and upset."

Huehns plans to present his own "Griever's Holiday Bill of Rights."

Greg Casperson of Casperson Funeral Home in Sister Bay said death becomes exaggerated when it occurs around any significant event in a person's life. It's not only working through grief now but a constant reminder in the future.

"Anytime you have a holiday, that really is family time," Casperson said. "And when you have a loss near a holiday, you feel that more than other times. Think of what it's like if somebody is not coming to a family gathering — you miss them. A holiday exaggerates those feelings. This is a challenging time of year to endure a loss."

Don't isolate

On the other hand, because families do come together in December, some memorial services are delayed until families can gather to mourn the loss. Coming together with family and friends is the most important ingredient towards effective grieving, said Bob Johnson, who works with people in a 13-week grief support group that meets twice a year at St. Peters Lutheran Church in Sturgeon Bay.

Old traditions need to be reformed and that can be difficult, Johnson said.

"Holidays are a time of cheer and happiness, and you don't have any of that in you," he said. "The most important thing is to reach out to friends and have a support network. People need to know they are not alone."

Grieving people also are afraid their loved one will be forgotten and often people trying to comfort them may avoid using the name of the person who has passed away.

"They don't want to mention names because they are afraid of hurting them," he said. "But everybody misses that person. That's one of the fears — being the only one left who will remember."

He also said men and women grieve differently, and both are different from what the experience is like for a child. Accepting the different ways people grieve helps everyone get through.

Harold Forbes of Forbes Funeral Home in Sturgeon Bay, who has been in the business for 50 years, said memorial services are quicker than they used to be when there were more formal visitations and a funeral. Forbes also said all people react to death differently.

How to help

"People are so worried about saying the wrong thing, they sometimes don't say anything," said the Rev. Dr. Matthew Knapp Sr., pastor at Sturgeon Bay Moravian Church. "I don't think anyone will take offense of a supportive comment."

Knapp will give a talk during Saturday's service, speaking both professionally and personally. His family coped with the sudden death of their 23-year-old son who fell ill in March 2009. He will focus on practical aspects of grief during the holiday season. He hopes to encourage people to understand everyone's journey is unique as they struggle with expectations of how to deal with the death.

"Contemporary culture wants it to be resolved, and there's no resolution," he said. "It's a new reality people are going into — and that can be very, very frustrating."

Someone who dies suddenly or traumatically can raise bigger issues within families who need to communicate with one another as they grieve a loss. Each person wrestles with it differently, and one family member may judge why another is not grieving enough or feel the other should be "over it" quicker.

Knapp has read extensively on the subject of loss and said the old theory of "stages of grief" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross can actually be damaging to healing.

"Research shows those stages have nothing to do with it," he said. "Those emotions are present, but unfortunately that 'stages' idea continues to hold on. We grab onto these notions out of our own discomfort and try to put them in a box and label and control them — rather than saying you're a different person now and you will always live with that loss. That's a part of who you are, and you can't wrap that up in a box about stages."

Knapp said in his situation, he found a book of affirmations written by Molly Fumia called "Safe Passage" comforting.

Another misconception is talk about "closure" said the Rev. Jerry Groth, pastor at Bay View Lutheran Church in Sturgeon Bay. Groth will also speak at Saturday's service.

"Closure gets bandied about, but there is no such thing," Groth said. "We don't forget our loved ones easily. Closure comes hard if at all. Memories are always there. The deeper the love, the deeper the hurt. A lot of those things do not go away gently. And that thought is precious. At first it may be sad, but after awhile it's reassuring and helpful."

Some people seem to be able to manage loss nicely, he said, and for others, the pain stays with them with some relief from time to time. But great love and friendship is not easily dismissed.

Sights and sounds of holidays can bring back all kinds of memories that are hard to manage, he said.

"The holidays also provide a time, if you force yourself on occasion to enjoy the company of others, the sights and sounds and music can be helpful for some," he said. "This service is a start. People are one of the best resources for help. There are a lot of people who have very warm hearts and are ready and willing to listen and talk."

Registration is not required but begins at 5:30 p.m., and hour before the service at 6:30 p.m. at Huehns Funeral Home, 1414 Michigan St., Sturgeon Bay. If providing a photo for a video tribute, do so by Thursday. A phone call is not required but helpful at (920) 743-5635 or email huehnsfuneralhome@gmail.com.

Contact Ramelle Bintz at rbintz@doorcountyadvocate.com.