Washington D.C.—

Amidst a crescendo of negative press over the Trump Administration’s zero-tolerance policy of detaining immigrant families at the Southern border and separating children from their parents, Republicans in the House of Representatives and Senate joined with every Democrat to pass an immigration reform bill that would fix this.

The bill focused largely on Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has been the bureaucratic face of the policy’s execution thanks to his Department of Justice’s rigorous legal justification for it, and required Mr. Sessions “to eat one(1) pot brownie,” and to “chill out.”

“It’s definitely time Jeff Sessions stops being such a sadist,” explained Democratic Senator Paul Wader of Michigan, a co-sponsor of the bill. “This bill is the most substantial bipartisan effort to come out of Congress in years. Literally every member of Congress voted for this. We all agree Jeff Sessions needs to chill way the f*** out. The original wording of the bill called for Jeff to take two pot brownies, but Republicans would not sign on unless it was knocked down to one brownie because they feared the political consequences in their Republican primaries of being too enthusiastic about forcing drugs upon the Attorney General. We Democratic co-sponsors reluctantly agreed, and the compromise was then good enough to be passed by both chambers by a resounding majority.”

Though President Trump has expressed dissatisfaction with the bill, he is expected to sign it into law because any veto would be easily overrided.

“So come tomorrow, this bill will pass into law,” said Mr. Wader. “And Jeff Sessions will be legally obligated by his own governmental department to eat a pot brownie. You know, I worked with Jeff in the Senate for several years, and I can tell you this will be my favorite day in my entire Congressional career. He’s gonna get stoned out of his mind, and for the first time in his life. He’s gonna get so very paranoid and freak out. Ha! I literally can’t wait. I am giddy with excitement for this. I’ll wait till it hits him and he’s really super high and then play him Jimi Hendricks’s “All Along The Watchtower” and make him watch a Richard Pryor comedy special. Jeff Sessions will never be racist again. Wouldn’t that be one of the best things to happen to America? The Confederate Attorney General getting rid of his weird, racial hangups? This guy has literally been a crusader for locking up people of color his entire governmental career. This is so great. I really wish we could have got the wording of the bill to be like ‘take one pot brownie every morning for infinity’ cause I bet I could totally turn him into a liberal if given enough time. Or even better, I could make lecture him and debate him over Albert Camus’ The Stranger and turn him into a secular existentialist—ah, I’m getting ahead of myself. But one pot brownie one day will still be awesome. Whatever gets him to lighten up and stop imprisoning children immigrants and refugees. We really oughta legislate a mandate for Jeff to try acid. Eh, but that would really screw him up. He would probably start thinking about his legal work and get super depressed about his lifetime of regressive political goals and superficial aspirations, and feel real bad about spending his political career making various minorities of American society feel less safe, welcome and free in their own country, and have a bad trip that turns into spiders and blood-sucking bats and things like that. The truth of a good trip would not be kind or gentle to Mr. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions.”

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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