Alright. You’re probably all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today. People of the internet, there is something we need to discuss. There seems to be a universal need for the “hacking” of things.

Cooking hacks, organizational hacks, cleaning hacks, parenting hacks, hacking hacks. JUST COOL IT WITH THE HACKS, PEOPLE. For one thing, 40% of the ideas out there are actually more work than just performing the damn task in the first place.

Another 55% are completely useless (“What the hell was that crash?!” “That’s the sound of my organized cleaning supplies falling into a heap under the sink because the tension rod Pinterest told me to hang them from refuses to hold more than 2 bottles of cleaner.”)

While the remaining 5% are admittedly helpful (seriously, using a mason jar attached to the blender blade to make a single serving smoothie has revolutionized my morning) it’s still getting out of hand.

In my internet travels, here are the top 5 “parenting hacks” I’ve run across that need to knock it right the hell off.

Use your baby as a mop. Novelty gag or not, this is disgusting. Like that poor kid doesn’t do a good enough job of soiling himself without the contributions of your otherwise unswept floor.

Put sprinkles on boring food to make kids excited about eating it. What in the actual crap is this? Are you raising Buddy the Elf? Do I smell burning plastic? Oh, wait, no. It’s just the melting brain cells of dietitians everywhere.

Reuse a pizza box as a canvas. We’re going to consider painting on garbage an idea so revolutionary that it warrants sharing in a public forum? WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR ABOUT MY BRACELETS MADE OF PIPECLEANERS.

Warm the toilet seat with socks. Stop the planet. I want to get off. In an age where parents are calling colleges to argue their adult children’s grades, and emailing their employers to explain why they should be excused from work for a family vacation, THIS IS TAKING THE CODDLING TOO FAR. How cold is your house that your cheeks can’t do a sufficient job of warming that sucker up in just a few seconds? Additionally, ew. I don’t even want to envision what a fright fest I’d walk into after one afternoon of use. I want to bring charges against the person who thought of this.

Invest in cargo pants. Unless you’re going to be starring alongside Bear Grylls on Man Vs. Wild, drinking urine out of a shed snakeskin (listen, I don’t just make this stuff up), CARRY A BAG LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. This is not a parenting hack. This is a crime against fashion.

Thank you for listening.

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