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Posted in Posted on Sunday, October 30th, 2016 asdfMore articles by asdf Posted in mtg

Seattle, Washington — Neighborhood children are despondent after discovering that, instead of candy, parents will be handing out “treasure chests” this year for Halloween. “Treasure chests” are curated packages of Halloween favorites, like raisins, stickers, candy corn and 20-carat diamonds.

“We feel that treasure chests will truly add to the excitement of the Halloween experience,” according to local man Worth Wollpert. “We felt that currently the Halloween experience is damaged by the fact that whenever a child goes to a house, they know they are going to get candy they want or can trade with their friends for candy they want. Treasure chests reintroduce fun surprises that truly capture the spirit of Halloween.” Wollpert then noticed a child trying to trade their sealed treasure chest for a circus peanut, and ran away to try to stop them.

But many in the neighborhood are upset by this change. “Fuck you, I want candy. Why do the adults think they can keep on shitting on us like this?” inquired one local child. Another child expressed that he felt this change was “the stupidest thing ever” and told us that he was thinking about trick-or-treating on Stonehearth Road instead.

UPDATE: Following the publication of this article, neighborhood spokesperson Lee Sharpe issued a statement.

“We have heard your concerns about treasure chests. We remain very excited for their release but wanted to address some trick-or-treaters concerns. We heard your requests and will be providing a complete breakdown of the percentage each treasure chest can contain a premium treat. In addition, we are thinking about allowing trick-or-treaters to trade treasure chests in the future.”

Treasure Chest Contents

Commons

Raisins

Staples

Apple Slices

Crayons

Jack Chick Tracts

Carrots

Informational Pamphlet about the Lutheran Church on 6th Street

Ketchup Packets

Uncommon

Tootsie Rolls

Smarties

Breath Mints

A bag of cereal

Candy Corn

Trail Mix

Mythic Rare/Premium

20-Carat Diamond

Fun Size Snickers

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup

Starbursts

A BMW

Cocaine

Twizzlers

Starbursts

Hundred dollar bill

Peanut M&Ms

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