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Is this thing on? Can you hear me at the back? My name is Dominic Raab and I am your stewardess on this flight with Brexit Airways.

As you will have been aware at the time you bought your tickets, or in the case of 48% of you were marched at gunpoint on to the plane, our original destination was the Sunlit Uplands of 1974, where we could once again enjoy a 3-day week, a state of emergency in Northern Ireland, and fascists marching in the streets.

Due to unforeseen circumstances entirely within our control but sadly not explained in the literature available to you on the clown bus that drove you to the airport, our pilot Theresa has had to alter our destination. She thinks we're headed for the Great Famine of 1845, but her co-pilot Philip thinks it's more likely to be the 1931 financial dustbowl.

Meanwhile Jacob, who some of you may remember from when he used to sit at the back of the plane, has somehow got into the cockpit and having assumed the role of navigator is quoting the Book of Proverbs, and trying to get us all on the right heading for the Glorious Revolution of 1688, by taking us first to the Black Death of 1348 which he believes we would all appreciate a glimpse of.

I am aware that in the two hours we've been on this plane, which have seemed more like years to many of us, concern has grown among passengers about what exactly will happen when we land and so I have been asked to issue you with instructions about what to do if it turns out the runway we are heading for does not, in fact, exist.

Now, I don't want you to worry, but in the 5 minutes - is that all? Feels like a month - since I was put in charge of the cabin crew I have looked all over the plane and not been able to find any emergency exits. I was wondering if I could ask you now to look around and let me know if you can see any possible escape routes. Just wave at me if you can.

Oh I'm sorry, I forgot your hands were tied. Well, I do have some good news in that a 100% organic meal will be served, just as soon as it is licensed by the airport we are leaving and got through, uh, about 9 months of red tape. On the plus side it will be very cheap as there is a limited market for well-rotted swede, even if swallowing it seems a high price to pay.

On the subject of payment, I'm aware most of you use credit cards to make purchases abroad and there may be higher charges for doing so, depending on where we land exactly, and indeed whether money still forms part of our society at that time. Our stewards are now passing round a hat into which you are all encouraged to put your loose change, house deeds, flexible friends and first-born child if you have one, or somebody else's if you don't.

Please don't be alarmed if you have less to put in the hat than your neighbour, because we do have complimentary sandwiches on board and you will still be able to enjoy a BLT once we have landed, and although it might be a little damp and curly by then I can put to rest right now the rumour that we will be asking Her Majesty's Armed Forces to feed them to you.

All service personnel will instead be asked to stand by the cabin door to deal with 7 times the current volume of border checks on people, services and goods, because we do not have nearly enough customs officials and while we could just wave you all off down the stairs, or inflatable ramp depending on what happens, we think there could be hostile customs officials at our destination who will make things worse if we don't.

I've also been authorised to tell you that we will be recruiting 9,000 extra air traffic controllers to organise our landing , and although we will be running out of fuel in 35 minutes or so I can assure you that will feel more like 7 months, so plenty of time to enjoy the company of loved ones before the rule of law enters a period where we don't know whose law it will be.

As we have left the European Aviation Safety Agency - I know we all assumed we'd find a way to stay in this, I know I did, but it seems that your previous stewardess David didn't get the paperwork done before he jumped - the plane and indeed the pilot are no longer insured, which is actually good news as it should bring down the overall cost of any flights you decide to take, if you manage to survive this one.

Er, hello sir? Are you wiggling your eyebrows and making those strangled noises to get my attention? Yes, yes, ah right, I understand. For those of you who didn't hear, this gentleman in the fourth row has indicated that all this is giving him a headache and he's wondering if there is any aspirin aboard. A few of you may be in a similar situation, particularly in Blairite class where there's been some headbutting.

We carry six aspirin at all times, and aware of a possible delay in supplies we have ordered an extra six aspirin to be stockpiled. These will be brought onto the plane as soon as we make physical contact with the ground, and I'm sure they'll go a long way towards alleviating the painful injuries some of us may sustain during that process.

Now, I've saved the best news til last which is that I have managed to find a parachute in the shape of the World Trade Organisation. It has a simple set of rules which, once we've dusted them off, will mean more complicated rules on pretty much everything, more paperwork, more laws for things like credit ratings agencies, and so many rules for stuff like paediatric medicine that actually we're planning to ignore those completely and just give sick children whatever the hell we can find.

WHOAH! Just a bit of turbulence there, I believe the fact that Boris, our trainee pilot, ran screaming from the cockpit, down the aisle and hauled up a floor panel to interfere with the landing gear just shifted some weight around, but we've steadied now. As I was about to say, we have this great parachute, although it turns out that it renders individual trade deals impossible, it requires the building of a brick wall covered in barbed wire in Northern Ireland, and in fact the WTO hasn't actually agreed we can use it so I don't know why I'm even mentioning it.

You should really stop weeping, and try to be more like Mr Corbyn here who is calmly suggesting alterations to the in-flight magazine, and who despite sitting nearest to the cockpit is making no effort at all to seize control of it.

Oh, and I forgot to say, but those of you who are British ex-pats may not be able to access your bank accounts after we land. Anyone who needs the services of a sperm donor will find that a lot more difficult too. On this last count, I understand Boris has offered to masturbate for free if the Daily Telegraph will report on it.

(Image: PA)

I have been informed by the pilot that we will be landing in a little over 200 minutes, each of which will stretch into a day as we consider the wisdom of entering that competition two years ago promising us all unicorns in return for a vote, and believe me there's no-one who regrets that decision more than the air crew.

So, to sum up, the official plan is, once we arrive at our destination, for us all to exit the plane via whatever gaping hole in the fuselage is nearest, place imaginary lifebelts around our necks, and pretend once we have stepped away from the aircraft that, whatever our senses may scream at us, we are in fact standing on solid ground.

Anyone who wants to discuss this plan in a negative light is just trying to stir up trouble, and we won't have any of that Project Fear talk when we need to keep our spirits up, and indeed get as many spirits down our necks as possible to dull the pain of what we're about to do.

We can only hope that common sense will prevail , and they'll let us out of this damned plane before it actually takes off. We're still connected to the terminal so those in the window seats should feel free to make your feelings known to the ground staff who are in the process of disconnecting the landbridge and life support systems.

Thank you for taking a flying leap with us, and curse you all.