MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin received “strong, unqualified words of support” last night in a ninety-minute conversation with himself, Mr. Putin confirmed today.

The invasion of Crimea was the main topic of the conversation, which Mr. Putin described as “extremely collegial and enthusiastic.”

“We discussed a wide range of issues, including how everyone in Ukraine had invited us to come to Ukraine, and also how the soldiers reported to be in Crimea were not actually Russian soldiers but, in fact, local volunteers who looked a lot like Russian soldiers,” he said. “There was strong agreement on all of these matters.”

Mr. Putin pronounced the ninety-minute conversation “exceedingly helpful.” He added: “It was exhilarating to be able to talk at length with someone for whom I have such boundless love and respect.”

Buoyed by last night’s positive dialogue, Mr. Putin said that he planned to have many such conversations in the days and weeks ahead. “It was good to hear how splendidly everything was going,” he said.

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Photograph by Mikhail Klimentyev/AFP/Getty.