My daughter is eight months old now. I will be honest when she was born; I felt fatigued. With my transition so close to the surface at the time of her birth, I feared the future. I did, however, feel I would have an easier time relating to her because I didn’t have to be a male role model for her. I could just be me. Still, I didn’t understand what all the fuss with babies was. I was always the “give them to me when they can talk” guy.

One day, around the same time that I had the revelation with my son, I was changing my daughters’ diaper. She looked up at me and gave me the cutest smile, and, you guessed it, I was sobbing like Niagara falls!. Now, I’m the parent who is always saying, “honey, look at the cute face, isn’t she adorable?” It has been enough to foster many eye rolls from my wife. My daughters’ first word had come; over and over…. “da-da” …with her looking for me and smiling. It has been a paradoxical combination of joy and dysphoria. The title “Dad” to Trans females often elicits dysphoria in our journeys. Nevertheless, though, I feel reaffirmed in the unconditional love and innocence of my children. Ultimately, it is a testament to the chemically induced changes in my heart that their smiles bring me great joy.

My Wife:

These changes are a mixed blessing and a curse for me when it comes to my wife. I have fallen more in love with her since the changes started, but I run the risk of a very likely heart-wrenching end to our relationship as I complete my social transition. I feel that it’s only fair that I come to understand what was lost as much as her from our 12 years together.

“She needed someone who could relate and share her experiences. … I started talking with her more about her feelings and less about a course of action.”

Since starting HRT, she began to observe the difference in my outlook and responses to her, probably even before I did. I was more helpful; I didn’t need a reminder about certain household chores. I just saw a need and did it. I would still come home and want to watch TV, but I suddenly had more of a capacity to do other things and also watch my shows. She has often said something like, “where is my husband” and “are you sick you never offer to do that.”

The most noticeable trait for both of us to observe growth has been empathy. When my wife would tell me about her day and her work, I would try to analyze and fix her problems. That’s not what she needed from me. She needed someone who could relate and share her experiences. I never understood that until just recently, when the tones of our conversations changed, and I started talking with her more about her feelings and less about a course of action. Again she noticed this change first and had felt both grateful and confused at that same time about the changes. My wife and I will eventually separate, but we will have a friendship based on mutual concern and care, and I think that is a magical thing.

Friends & Co-Workers

The most significant thing people notice is that I am no longer a hardened pessimist. I was always the one with the bleak outcome for any situation. My co-workers have joked about my negativity on numerous occasions. My outlook on life is one of hope now. I see the possibility of my future, and I try to see the good in people now. Estrogen has caused me to have a much more optimistic approach to daily life, and people are noticing. It’s so much easier to see the world in a positive light when you can experience life without the filter of internal decay.

“Estrogen has made me an extrovert. I am bold, I am unapologetic, and I love to be the center of a conversation.”

I also find that in conversation, I get a lot more joy in listening to other people’s stories than trying to jump in with my account and only passively listening to their side. I have found my ability for empathy, has increased the desire to know what is happening in other people’s lives and opinions, and has increased my active listening skills.

One other important takeaway here. I have desired more friends my entire life. I felt differently segregated, unable to bond with people. A lot of it had to do with my dysphoria granted. Still, there was this awkward introversion that kept me from communicating with people and building bongs. The only people that I could bond with were people who took the time to probe me for details or people that had been forced into long term exposure to me (like my two current best friends).

Estrogen has made me an extrovert. I am bold, I am unapologetic, and I love to be the center of a conversation. (as long as I am in the discussion). The ironic thing here is that now that I am transgender, A lot of the people who I could have made friends with before and be extroverted will find themselves repulsed by the cause of my changes. This paradox is a blessing of a sort. It allows me to find people who TRULY accept me for who I am, and that is a good thing.

Myself

I see myself as a person now. I know This may not seem like a big deal; everyone knows they are a person. I felt like a spectator, though, in a shell watching life in 3rd person. I am in control of my life now. I participate in life, and I experience love, the joys, the sadness, all the nuance of being a human.

If there is one thing I want you to take away from this, it is that

I KNOW now that I am a woman. I don’t just want to become one. I already am one in all the ways that matter!

Estrogen has changed my heart and rewired my brain. The remainder of my transition is about letting the rest of the world see who I am. It’s about protecting myself from those who don’t understand(My external appearance). I used to think it was “do all this transitioning, and THEN you are a woman.” But I know who I am NOW. It’s instinctive, its meta, it’s impossible to explain with words, and I am tearing up just writing this. I feel such joy from being able to know myself for the first time, and I accept my reality even if the rest of the world can’t yet see it. It’s my little secret, and sometimes I smile to myself when they call me “sir” because in my head I am saying “if only they knew”; And someday soon… they will.