[ Indistinct conversations ] Morning, Randy. Morning, Ger. Just another dayin paradise, huh? Yeah, look at all thesenew restaurants the Whole Foodshas brought in. Let's try outthat one there. Hi.Two of us, please. Yeah, sorry, guys.We got about a 30-minute wait. Oh, uh, excuse me. [ Whispers indistinctly ] Yes, sir. Give me a second.I'll have a table right away. Whoa.What'd you say to him? I just told him who I am. Who are you? I'm a Yelp reviewer. I usually keep iton the down-low so they don't kiss my asstoo much. Right over here, sir. All right, guys,welcome to Vernacular. Thanks. Uh, did they mention to youthat I am a Yelper? Yes,we've been alerted, sir. Great. Could you have them turnthe lights up a little, please? Oh, look at it, Gerald --all the new families moving in. Our little townis all grown up.

I'm a little overwhelmed. I know,but we put everything into moving hereand starting this business, and we have to beimpressive. David, you must help your mamahowever you can. We're not going backto that miserable place. I don't want to go back,either. Okay, done.Great! We really have to impressthis customer. He's a local food critic. Another one? [ Mid-tempo Mexican musicplaying ] Mmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay,here you go, amigo -- another taco plateand the taquitos. Oh, thank you. And did I mention I ama food critic for Yelp? Yes, you mentioned thatseveral times. Okay, I just didn't want youcaught off guard. I was thinking of givingthis place five stars. Really? Yeah, but I'm kind of teeteringon five stars or one star. Oh, no, no.No one star, please. What can we do to -- I mean, I could probablybe persuaded with some free desserts. Let me get that for you. Great. And could you turn downthe music a bit? This pagan shithurts my ears. Of course. [ Music softens ] Oh, hey. Hey, busboy.[ Snapping fingers ] Busboy! Busboy!Por favor! [ Whistles ]Busboy!My name is David. Excuse me? I said my name is David. Uh, it's actually pronounced"Day-vid," okay? Well, I'm "Da-veed." It's David, dude.Look it up. What's going on? Do not argue, son.We need him. There you are --a few free desserts. [ Bell dings ]Oh, excuse me.More customers. Hi.Two of us for lunch, please. Yes.Right away. Oh, and, uh,I just wanted to mention that my wife and Iare Yelp reviewers, so, uh,your best table, please. Oh, geez.You guys, too, huh? Okay, um, I'll get you set upright over here, okay? Mm-hmm. Hmm.This place seems nice. I guess we'll see. I guess we'll see,won't we? Oh, God. Now everyone thinksthey're a food critic. [ School bell rings ]

Here you go. Whoa. Crispy risotto bitesfrom Olive Garden. How do you do it, Eric? I'm a restaurant critic,Butters. I get whatever I want. Geez. So, the cafeteria'sback that way, and most of the classroomsare this way down the -- Ew! What's the busboydoing here? David is newto our school. Oh, cool. Are you gonna cleanthe tables here, too? How do you get to school?Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? Huh?Shut up. Look, amigo, I'm sorry I only gave your parents'restaurant two stars, but it could've been worse. Why'd you only give themtwo stars? I'm sorry, but the foodtotally messed my stomach up. The morning after I ate it,I went to the bathroom, and my poop was all solid --like, no water at all. It's not supposedto have water, you -- It was like this one,solid piece that I had to pushout my asshole. It was like being rapedfrom the inside. Your parents' restaurant just wasn't up to my standards,"Day-vid." "Da-veed.""Day-vid." "Da-veed." "Day-vid.""Da-veed." "Day-vid." "Day-vid.""Day-vid." "Day-vid." I can update this to a one-starreview in two seconds, dude. Oh, God, I love beinga restaurant critic. [ Keyboard clacking ]

For in this crisp time when autumn begins to fade, the chef brines chicken in habañero and even adds habañero powder to the crust. But the heat is restrained. You experience the fruity, delicious flavor of this without any spicy pain. I don't need anymore pain. Hell, does anyone? Gerald,we're going to the park. You want to come along? Sorry, honey. This review for Applebee'shas turned into a 50-pager. Then I have a polishon Ruby Tuesday's. Why don't you take a breakfrom Yelping, Gerald? You seema little overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed. Sometimes, I don't knowwhat I've gotten myself into. But now everyone relieson my Yelp reviews, and I-I don't wantto let anyone down. Well, there's chicken inthe fridge if you get hungry. Thanks, but I-I got Yelp a newplace in Shi Tpa Town tonight. God, I'm so damn tired. Okay, have fun. Ha."Fun," she says. In finality, I would say my experience at Applebee's was sublime and my treatment near that of a gladiator most decorated. But the street parking wasn't that great. Two-and-a-half stars. Yes. Come on, Liza.

Well, aren't youeating lunch, Eric? [ Scoffs ] I am a food critic,Butters, okay? I can't just eatcafeteria food. Okay,here you are, sir! There'sorange peel chicken, some city beef,and a city egg roll! Are you joking? Well,you are a little late. Like, I don't know,maybe only-one-star late. Oh, no.No one star, please. You Yelpersare killing me. Okay, you no pay.You no pay. Please. Sounds good.Now get the [bleep] out of here. Yes, yes! I'll get the [bleep] out!Thank you! Wow. Well, you're prettyimportant, Eric. He's not important at all. Yeah, no. No, no, you're right, Kyle.I'm not important. Oh, hey, David,I was just wondering. Um, how do you getto school? Do you rideyour tiny bicicleta? Eh? -Stop it.-What? I just want to hear him say, "Si, me ride me tiny bicicletato school." Si, me ride me tinybicicleta to school. [ Laughing ]That's awesome. I'm gonna go outto recess. Will you bus this for me,David? Thanks. Ah, don't.Dude -- Dude, don't. [ Keyboard clacking ] [ Sighs ] Sir, it's midnight. Go home.Get some sleep. There's no time to sleep whenthe city's counting on me. More Yelp reviews, sir? I had a bad experienceat Red Lobster, and if the people don'tknow about it, they could, too. Folks deserve to knowwhere to eat, Mitch. But does anyoneeven thank you for it? I don't need them to. I know they need me,and that's enough. God bless you, sir. I know.

Welcometo Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoyingyour pizza? Look here,my good man. We've been waitingover 15 minutes for you to sing"Happy Birthday" to our son. Unfortunatelyfor you, we are both restaurant critics,and so is our son. One star. Excuse me! Emergency!Over here! Emergency! I would like a tableinside the area with all the littleplastic balls, please. And make it snappy.I am a food critic for Yelp. That does it!I've had enough! All you Yelp reviewersget the hell out of here! I don't care what happensto my business! I ain't kissing your assesno more! [ Chair scraping ]Go on. Every Yelper,get the [bleep] out of here! Careful now, Bill. You don't wanta one-star review. You're not a food critic,Dennis! You're a [bleep]mechanic! Now get the [bleep] out!Go on! All you Yelping sons of bitchesget the [bleep] out of here! You're gonna regret this,Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpersthis way. You get the --get the [bleep] out! [ Thud ]Ow! [ Door slams ] Well, good for you. You, too,you son of a bitch. Whoa! Hey!

You see paper?!It's over! Whistlin' Willy!He stand up to the Yelpers! We don't have to kisstheir asses anymore! Look!Everybody doing the same! [ Laughs ] [ Singsong voice ]It's over! It's over! [ Normal voice ]Hey, Skeeter, you hear the news? It's a miracle. It's a miracle! [ Humming ]What the [bleep] Uh, dude, somebody spilled shiton the floor. Hey, David,somebody spilled something here. Could you clean this up,por favor? David?[ Whistles ] Over here.There's some shit on the floor. Hey, hey, hey, hey.What's going on, man? You haven't heard? Nobody gives a [bleep] whatYelp reviewers think anymore. What are you talking about? I'm the most influential criticin this town. Okay, David,forget the spill. Just give me one little,"My name is David. Me ride me bicicletato school." My name is "Da-veed." Ha! Okay, I'm --I'm updating my review. I'm about to do it. You better say,"I ride me bicicleta to school!" One star. No -- no stars? No stars? You can't just treat melike I'm nothing. I still knowI'm worth something. Come on, guys. Oh, yeah.Y-you guys stay at school. That's cool.Y-you guys stay here.

[ Sad piano music playing ] [ Sighs ] Oh, hey, Eric. It's all over, Butters. Everything I've workedso hard to achieve. All these hack wannabefood critics have made my professiona joke. Aw, I'm sorry, bud. All these peopletrying to be like me, and they don't even write aboutpoop consistency the next day. Well, Eric, you should be proudthat people want to be like you. I mean, you reallystarted something. I guess. Well if these peoplelook up to you, maybe -- maybe you can sort ofset the record straight and show them the wayit's supposed to be done. You're right, Butters. Maybe I can actually useall these people somehow to make real food criticsrespected again.

Harrison Yates,what's gotten into you? That's it, Maggie.I'm hanging it up. If people are gonna be tryingall the new restaurants in town, they'll have to do itwithout my reviews. What are youtalking about? You said that protecting peoplefrom bad dining experiences was what kept you going. The restaurants put up signssaying I can't come in. I don't know whythey singled me out, but it's like peopledon't need me. Well, I'll be damned. What is it? Somebody's put a notein the mailbox asking me to comeand talk to them. They do need me. I need to get going. You want meto come along? No. They're justasking for me. I guess maybe I do havea town to protect.

Not a party, mom. I've invited allthe poser food critics over for a meeting. Oh, how fun. It's not fun.It's serious. These people thinkthey can do what I do, but they need to be madeto understand the reality. When the Yelpers get here,I need you to get lost, okay? [ Knocks at door ] Okay, that's them,that's them. Go! Get lost, mom! ALL: Hello! Hi! My name is [All saying name]. I'm here for the meeting. Is thisthe right place? [Bleeeeeeeep] Mom! I'm going, honey. Mom, there's likea billion people here! Oh, yes, sweetie. I think quite a few peopleare Yelp reviewers. Oh, this many peoplehave nothing better to do than write reviews on Yelp? I guess so, honey.Do you need more lemonade? Mom, there's a [bleep]billion people here. [ All murmuring ] Uh, thank you all for coming. My name is Eric,and as you know, us Yelpers are beingscrutinized. [ In distance ] Can't youspeak a little louder?! Yes, us Yelp criticsare being scrutinized! That's right!Yeah! Now, you see the problem is thatwhen there's too many reviewers, people no longer knowwho is the real food critic. It's great that you allwant to be critics, but we all know who the realfood analyst of the town is. That's right! Yeah! [ Chuckles ] Ha. Oh, thanks. Okay, so, as long as thereis one clear leader, then the rest of youcan just follow. And with this many peopleall following one captain, we can fight to getour power back! Poweeeer back! So now rise up,and fight for your leader! Fight together, and show the restaurants thatour food critic does matter! [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, let's go! All right, follow me! This way, everyone!

[ Indistinct shouting ] [ People screaming ] Another local businessis closing its doors tonight after being taken downby Yelp reviewers. Whistlin' Willy's,a child favorite in town, was destroyed and its ownerstripped and beheaded. The following video is graphic. No, please!No, no, no, no, no! [ Crowd ululating ] Aww!

♪ Said leave this one alone ♪ She could tell right away ♪ That I was bad to the bone ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bad ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bad We all lovedWhistlin' Willy's. It didn't do well with Yelpers. You assholes destroyedthe best place in town because they wouldn'tkiss your asses! Oh, come on, admit it.The food sucked. Nobody went forthe [bleep] food! Look, I'm sorry guys, but Whistlin' Willy failedto recognize the influence someone like mehas on their business. Now I just have one questionfor you, David. Do you ride your teeny, tiny bicicletato school? Sí. Me ride mi teenybicicleta to school. You're done. Yeah, I'm done! I'm now the leaderof thousands of people! They all hang onmy every word, and I'm gonna use my powerto finally get what this town really needs. ♪♪ GERALD: I found the waitstaff at Red Lobster to be rude and barely even acknowledging who I was or what I meant to this city. Gerald, I'm taking Iketo clown school. You care to join us? I can't, honey. I'm now the leaderof thousands of people. They all hang on my every word. And I'm going to use my power to finally get what this townreally needs.

♪♪ [ Gunfire ] [ Glass shatters ] [ Explosion ] For the fifth day in a row, historic Shi Tpa Town isunder siege by Yelp reviewers. The restaurants are stillrefusing to be intimidated, and the Yelp reviewers are... [ Gunfire ] ...and the Yelp reviewersare preparing for all-out war. The angry Yelp reviewersare demanding special treatment at all city restaurants. They claim thatas local food critics, they deserve respect and thatall who oppose them will suffer. The online restaurant criticsare getting ready to bring businessesto their knees, and some are alreadyclosing their doors. One local restaurant workeractually called out the Yelp critics' leader! I guess you win, huh, big shot? If you really areany kind of important anybody, then get your bullshitfood-critic ass to the south of townand face me, because you aren'ta food critic, and you aren't important! And unless you're chicken,I'll see you south of town. Where you going, sir? You heard him. Little Mexican kidcalled me out. He wants to fight me,that's fine. You need backup, sir? No. He's justcalling me out. God bless you, sir -- I know!

Dude, you don'twanna do this. You don't know whatCartman's capable of. Where I come from, we settlethings with our fists. But this isn't Mexico. I'm not from Mexico,dude! I'm from Idaho! I'm gonna show this prickhow we do things in Boise. CARTMAN:Oh, hello, David! All right,you've got your army. You've got your followers. If you're sucha great leader, then just tell the citywhat you want, fat ass! Don't call me fat,son. I'm doing this becausethey've -- What I want is to be ableto lead these fine people with the respectand the dignity -- I didn't ask to be the leader.I was appointed! You see, I'm extremely importantto this town, and I'm not going to be -- My journey as thistown's food -- [ All talking at once ] You've made these peoplefeel unwanted, and now they look to mefor answers. Now here I stand,vulnerable, afraid, and yet willing to dowhat the people of this -- And so we saidto hell with it! And we took the challenge togo from the town's food critics to the town'sspiritual leaders. What do we want? People would say,"Oh, you're just a food blogger. You're just a tiny voicein the crowd." Well, now my voice is heard,and I will -- [ Talking continues ] ...wanted special privileges, but these people thinkI should have them. Right, guys? Maybe I don't deservespecial treatment, but how else can I bethe elite food critic they want? [ Talking continues ] Every person here thinksthis is about them. I think I knowwhat to do. Yeah. Me, too.

we want to once and for alldeclare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we presentto you the golden badge. Wearing this badge meansyou will always get the special treatmentthat you deserve. [ Bell tolls ] [ Vocalizing ] Thank you, Mayor. It's a big responsibility,but I suppose I have to accept. I will do my bestto serve this town. We know you will. Okay,bring in the next one. Mr. Davis, you have provenyourself a leader. And for all your serviceto this community, we want to once and for alldeclare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you,we present the golden badge. Wow! McDANIELS: Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatmentyou deserve. [ Bell tolls ] [ Vocalizing ] All right, we gotall the restaurants to agree to let the Yelpers inand to make them feel special. How did you do it, son?