I once tried sucking a dummy because I couldn’t sleep while the baby slept. (Picture: Getty)

I feel it is time to come clean. After two babies and three years of severe sleep deprivation I have done a few things I am less than proud of.

I am not a bad person. But when you are so tired you can barely remember your own name – it is a matter of survival.

1. I have told people my baby is teething when she is just being a pain in the arse.

2. I have closed my eyes and tried to sneak in a sleep while I am pushing the pram.


3. I blame everything on sleep-deprivation. Even on days when I am not that tired. While things like missing appointments, forgetting people’s names, breaking crockery, being late, cooking inedible dinners and my house being a mess are usually a result of exhaustion; sometimes they are just down to my own stupidity.



4. I often leave the house wearing clothes that have baby snot or vomit on them. If anyone mentions it I pretend to be truly horrified that I hadn’t seen it before I came out.

5. I have claimed my baby is sick to get out of a social occasion.

6. When my kids are being particularly hard work I stick my fingers up at them when they are not looking.

7. I sometimes watch my husband sleeping peacefully while I have been up all night with the baby and fantasise about punching him in the face.

I often tell my kids that noisy toys are ‘broken’. (Picture: Getty)

8. I have used breast milk in my tea when I have run out of regular milk.

9. I don’t bother changing my bed covers if the baby urinates, throws up or poos on my husband’s side.

10. I have eaten spaghetti hoops out of the tin because I couldn’t be bothered to wash up a pan or bowl.

11. I wear the same pair of socks until they smell. This can be anything up to a week.

12. I never wash my bra.

13. I swear a lot. Now I have kids and can’t openly swear, I feel the need to curse more than ever. On a good day I do it under my breath, on a bad day I lock myself in the bathroom, flush the chain and let off some sweary steam.

14. I once tried sucking a dummy because I couldn’t sleep while the baby slept. It didn’t work. I tried dunking it in whisky. It still didn’t work.

15. I let my children do annoying things in the hope of getting five minutes peace. Including ripping up an entire toilet roll, chewing a (clean) Tampax, licking the butter, emptying all the cupboards, smearing peanut butter all over the wall, drawing all over themselves and eating crumbs off the floor.

Some days I don’t get dressed until it is almost dinner time. (Picture: Getty)

16. I bribe my toddlers with biscuits or chocolate on a regular basis – two more victims of obese Britain.

17. I have dropped stuff on the baby’s head while I have tried to do other things while breastfeeding. For example: spaghetti bolognese, my phone, wine and an ice cream.

18. The reason I breastfed my second baby for two years was not because of the health benefits like people assumed – but because weaning seemed like far too much effort.



19. Some days I don’t get dressed until it is almost dinner time.

20. I only shave my legs when hair starts to pop through my leggings.

21. I often tell my kids that noisy toys are ‘broken’.

22. I moan about them, swear at them, lie to them and they keep me up all night, but my biggest confession of all? I bloody love my kids. I love being a mum and I wouldn’t change a thing.

MORE: 23 things only sleep deprived parents will understand

MORE: Life before babies vs life after babies: 19 ways your life has changed

MORE: The thought process of a sleep-deprived parent at 4am

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