CLARKSVILLE, IA—Taking a long drag from a glass pipe while addressing potential voters, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg charmed crowds at a truck stop Wednesday by smoking a prime sample of their locally produced meth. “Wow, the proud people of Iowa really know how to do meth right, don’t y’all?” said a shadowboxing Buttigieg, thanking the small business owners who work tirelessly in their trailers to provide the highest-quality meth to the citizens of Iowa before screaming, then apologizing, then screaming again. “This is way better than the stuff they gave me in New Hampshire, I’ll tell you that much. I swear, every town I go to in Iowa, the meth keeps getting better and better. Shit, yeah. Iowa forever! This place is fucking crazy, man. You guys are fucking crazy. We’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back, we’re gonna bring America back. God damn. Where am I?” At press time, a panicked Buttigieg was stripping down to his underwear while promising that, if elected president, he would do everything in his power to end the scourge of centipedes crawling underneath the skin of everyday Americans.

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