FORT DODGE, IA—Growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of foresight, area man Erick Simmons reportedly chastised himself Sunday for totally screwing up the order of his snack consumption during a Super Bowl LI party. “Shit, I just finished a cupcake, and now I’m supposed to start eating spicy wings?” said Simmons, lamenting that he had completely botched his refreshment progression by consuming a large quantity of pita chips before the host brought out the spinach artichoke dip. “I never would’ve filled up on pigs in a blanket if I knew there was pizza coming. Although some of this is [host] Carl [Donovan]’s fault—why would you put out the football-shaped cookies before nachos? Ugh, I never should have munched on the nut mix for the entire first quarter with all these much better snacks still to come. I messed up big time.” At press time, Simmons expressed frustration that he was “way too stuffed” to finish his third beer.

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