“I'm Spartacus!... I mean, I am the Dragon Reborn!” ~ Rand al'Thor

“Aragorn? Who's Aragorn? Never heard of him! ... now if you don't mind I'm going to reclaim the throne of my ancestors.” ~ al'Lan Mandragoran

The Wheel of Time also known as The Waste of Time is a series of 17th Century fashion and interior design novels written by Robert Jordan (AKA: Reagan O’Neal, Jackson O’Reilley, Bela, Jak o’ the Shadows, Chang Lung, Brandon Sanderson, dependent upon incarnation in any given Age.)

The first novel in the Wheel of Time series was published in 1385 NE, with subsequent novels being released in following decades, centuries and Ages. The ninety-third and most recent novel - The Towers of Midnight - was published in 2010 AD.

An enthralling series containing plenty of fast-paced tea sipping, much smoothing of skirts and more braid-pulling moments than you can shake half a spear at, the Wheel of Time has held the attention of over nine readers for the past 19 years. The popularity of the series has led to many other less-accomplished authors imitating the plot, themes and characters of the Wheel of Time, resulting in such novels as The Lord of the Rings, The Great Gatsby and the Cat in the Hat.

Plot Summaries [ edit ]

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"The Wheel of Time series expands novel by novel, and centuries come and pass, leaving behind coherent plots that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when Elayne takes her seventh bath in one novel. In one Age, called Anno Domani by some, an Age yet to come, and Age long past, a wind rose in the literary wilderness, spinning tumbleweed across an empty dirt-packed road. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings, endings nor plot resolutions to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was another beginning."

So begins every novel in Mister Sex Robert Jordan's epic series of great novels.

Soon into the first novel the main character, Sir Lord Thatcher, is surprised to learn that he is a regular man unlike any other, with no extra-ordinary powers. Naturally this comes as a frustration of the Alliance of Skirt-Smoothers who realise they have found the wrong man so early in the awesome sexy epic series. Following his trial, execution and unexpected resurection as a small cat, excecution, and less-unexpected resurrection as Rand al'Thor, Thatcher opted to spend the remainder of the novel series as an additional character in the Wizard of Oz - as a man with a woolen head.

An alternative set of summaries can be found here.

The Eye of the World [ edit ]

In a shocking break with fantasy tradition, the main character of this novel is a common farm boy with dubious parentage, and soon-to-be-discovered magical powers. In the least cliché story ever conceived, our unwitting hero Rand al’Thor flees his home under the protection of the magic-wielding Moiraine and her bodyguard Lan.

The main characters are careful not to do anything dangerous like go into ancient evil cities they have been explicitly warned not to enter, and the hero certainly does not do anything cliché like meet a beautiful princess, and nobody has any mysterious prophetic dreams foreshadowing future events.

The story culminates with the hero destroying two really nasty guys who he just met, except not really because they come back to life. He also kills the really evil ultimate bad guy, except not really because he’s not really the evil ultimate bad guy and he doesn’t even die anyway. So no progress really.

Oh, and there’s a horse called Bela!

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The Great Hunt [ edit ]

The boys go looking for a horn. The boys find a horn. Rand catches on to the fact that he has magic powers.

The girls go to school to learn how to make potions, blow things up, smooth their skirts and fold their arms under their breasts. A nasty, suspicious Aes Sedai tells them to follow her through a super-dangerous alternate dimension on a journey to the other side of the world, which they must not tell anyone else about. They do so and, shockingly, get captured and enslaved. (Remember, always say NO to strangers.) (And communism.) (And anything that has to do with twilight)

Rand meets a really hot chick who really fancies him and also really wants to kill him. Then he kills the really ultimate bad guy for a second time, except not really because he’s not really the evil ultimate bad guy and he doesn’t even die anyway. So no progress really. He DOES end up releasing the Female Cast from the invading Japanese (I mentioned that, right?), but in the long run that was probably a bad move.

The Dragon Reborn [ edit ]

After declaring himself the Dragon Reborn, Rand overdoses on saidin and goes off to play with himself for almost the entire book.

Back at Tar Valon the girls, in a totally non Mary-Sueish way, are tasked with hunting down an evil group of Aes Sedai who are much more powerful and better trained than them. After finding them, the girls are shocked when they are captured for the second book in row and have to be rescued again. This time by Mat, who they treat like shit for helping them, which will definitely not come back to bite them in the ass later.

At the end of the book, Arth- Rand draws a sword from a stone and kills the really ultimate bad guy for a third time, except not really because he’s not really the evil ultimate bad guy and he doesn’t even die anyway. So no progress really. On the upside, Moiraine balefires one guy, making sure he can never come back, making him the first permanent death in the series.

The Shadow Rising [ edit ]

The women get naked, Rand gets new ink, Mat gets bling and Perrin gets hitched. So, after 3,078 bloody flaming pages, and Light knows how many words, somebody finally gets laid.

Also, the war-mongering Saracens(Aiel) used to be pacifists, and a bunch of man-hating lesbians take over Tar Valon.

Fires of Heaven [ edit ]

Mat discovers his past lives and takes over a bloody army.

Rand discovers that sex is a useful survival skill.

Moiraine, Lanfear, Mat, Asmodean, and Aviendha all die, but come back to life. Except Asmodean, who (SPOILER ALERT!) really does die. But we don't know who killed him. So no progress really.

Lord of Chaos [ edit ]

Rand sets up the Black Tower (a.k.a. The Dragon Reborn School for Gifted Boys), and puts the power-hungry manmage Mazrim Taim *cough*Darkfriend*cough* in charge. Then, after getting mind-raped by an Aes Sedai, is kidnapped by Aes Sedai, developing claustrophobia. This experience transforms him into the creature henceforth known as DARK RAND. Also, he actually starts listening to the voice in his head.

Egwene discovers the man of her dreams in his dreams. Afterwards, the unofficial Aes Sedei offically decide to unoffically make Egwene the offical Amyrlin Seat, unofficially.

Mat leads his band of merry men to Salidar, where he tries to rescue the women from themselves. Again.

Perrin saves Rand's bacon and meets his mother-in-law, and through no fault of his own can't do anything right.

A Crown of Swords [ edit ]

After learning that there's yet another Forsaken in Illian, Rand finally decides to go give the immortal a much needed ass-kicking. In the process, he cheats on his Amazon warrior princess and sleeps with a tomboy. Like any true pimp, he promptly gets shanked by a midget/wizard. However, when it finally seems that someone is about to die, he is inexplicately healed by a man-hating old witch. Fortuneately, he finally gets down to Illian and deals out some serious punishment. It's spoiled a bit when the bad guy gets eaten by a cloud, but what are you going to do? That's just life.

Meanwhile, everyone else succeeds in finding a bowl or some silly shit like that and stops the heat wave.

Oh, and Egwene turns into even more of a manipulative bitch, as though we needed the update.

Oh, and Mat might be dead. No need to go into detail.

The Path of Daggers [ edit ]

Rand fights the Japanese. Rand gets his ass kicked by the Men In Black. End of book.

Oh, by the way, everyone else is still trying to stop that heat wave from the last book. Apparently the bowl is more complicated than they thought.

Perrin goes on a mission to stop Jesus. I mean The Prophet. His wife gets kidnapped by Indians, and he swears revenge !(SPOILER hes' still at it for about four more books).

And Egwene is still a manipulative bitch, go figure.

Winter's Heart [ edit ]

Perrin trails his wife and continues swearing revenge. Repeat until book 11.

Mat shows up again getting introduced to BDSM by a cougar. He spends the whole book conceiving plans to escape while nursing a fear of pink lace. And then kidnaps his wife.

Rand also discovers bondage during a mind foursome with his three women. After which he knocks Elayne up and gives her a flower.

Nynaeve finally gets laid(Thank you Lan!) and helps Rand give Saidin a much-needed bath.

Also, on a sidenote, readers are spared Egwane's manipulative bitchiness for an entire book(and there was much rejoicing).





Crossroads of Twilight [ edit ]

After giving saidin a glorious bath, Rand decides to kick back and get some much needed R&R and get away from the Apocalypse for a time. He also sends some people to negotiate with the Japanese, knowing fully well that they might be possibly killed and/or tortured. Or worse, expelled.

Meanwhile, Mat reveals his true nature as a pimp by going after a black women, which was prophecized by some snakes and foxes or something silly like that.

In Andor, Elayne reveals she is pregnant with twins, and they are Rand's(OMG PLOT TWIST!). Oh, but its a secret, so hush.

Egwene returns(it was fun while it lasted) and gets kidnapped by White Tower people while trying to turn rock into stronger rock. Take that Egwene.

Oh, by the way, Perrin is still at rescuing his wife. Don't give up good buddy, keep up the good work. And he gets an alliance with the Japanese( I wonder if Rand knows...)

Knife of Dreams [ edit ]

After going to a "peace" talk, Rand does a Star Wars rip-off and totally gets his arm blown off. In Rand's defense, it was taken off by fire and not by a lightsaber. Oh, and it was by a Forsaken. Yeah, that might've been important. Nah.

Elayne secures the throne, Mat gets hitched, and Galad kills his commanding officer. None of which could POSSIBLY have any negative consequences.

Egwene finally puts her manipulative bitchiness to use to undermine a man-hating witch, Perrin FINALLY rescues Faile, and there is a bunch of dead people walkin' about. Another typical day in Randland.

By the way, the title lied to us. There is no freakin' knife.





The Gathering Storm [ edit ]

Mat agrees to help rescue Moiraine from the tower, but refuses to give up drinking and gambling.

Egwene gets spanked. Gawyn wants to rescue her. Egwene gets spanked. Siuan wants to rescue her. Egwane learns to enjoy her spankings and forbids rescue. She then saves most of the tower from the Japanese and makes the woman who spanked her second-in-command.

Rand gets harder after choking Min and killing Semirage, discovering the importance of a safeword. Later, he balefires an entire city, killing two more Forsaken. Except not really, because one of the Forsaken got away, and the other one had been killed in the first book, and just needed to be brought up to date.

Lu- Rand almost kills his father, who senses the good in him, but he stops himself when he realizes that he is batfuck insane. He returns to the place of his death and rediscovers himself, thanking the heavens that Brandon Sanderson pulled it off.

Towers of Midnight [ edit ]

In a very early climax, Rand makes APPLES!!!!! Then Rand meets his daddy(again), but this time doesn't try to rend his soul from his chest, beat him to a bloody pulp, balefire him into non-existence, or anything else that would totally freakin' kill him. Instead he has a total breakdown and probably embarrassed himself in front of hundreds of people. On a less important note, he tells Egwene that he is going to break all the seals on the Dark One's prison and let him out, which is really not a big deal so don't worry about it Egwene I've got it covered. Because nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong with trusting a psycopath's plan.

Perrin, making up for the absolute nothingness he did in the last four books, becomes totally kick-ass in the World of Dreams, which makes him WAY better than Egwene ever was. Take that, Egwene. He spends most of the book in bed when not dealing with white-cloaked fanatics, shocking plot twists, or people trying to kill him.

Egwene tries to find a Forsaken, turns said Forsaken into a vegetable, and in the process almost getting killed by three Japanese kamikazes, which Gawyn had totally warned her about but she ignored him because, as everyone knows, Egwene is a bitch. She then heals Gawyn and bonds him(God rest his soul).

Mat builds explosives, gets into multiple fights with the gholam, and sends it spiraling into nothingness, and then he goes off to find Moraine in the Tower of Ghenjei. In the process he loses his eye, and learns the most shocking thing in the entire Wheel of Time series: Noal is actually JAIN FARSTRIDER!!!!!!( who'd have thunk it!)

Oh, by the way, Morgase is ALIVE!

A Memory of Light [ edit ]

The Dark One goin' DOWN!!



For any other predictions about the last book, please go to Uncyclopdedia's A Memory of Light predictions page.

The Aftermath of the Wheel! [ edit ]

Some years after the wheel of time, a book was written about it entitled "This is also the name of a Doctor Who episode from 1968". It focues how these buggers went in to time through the TARDIS and stole the name so they could use it in 1967 for what this crap is about. It was at this point the CompareTheMeerkat bloke says "excenllents" and does his squeal.

More Quotes [ edit ]

“You're balefired!” ~ Rand al'Thor

“I don't mean to blow my own horn, but when I do, all the heroes come.” Matrim Cauthon

“Listen, Faile... If I marry you, will you go away?” Perrin Aybara

“Look Mat, just pick six numbers for me, between one and forty-nine. Never mind why, just do it!” ~ Rand al'Thor

“Not right now, I'm taking a bath.” ~ Elayne Trakand

“Not right now, I'm taking a bath.” ~ Ishamael

“Not right now, I'm taking a bath.” ~ Loial

“Nynaeve angry! Nynaeve channel! ... right after I've had a bath.” ~ Nynaeve

“The Light knows I've needed that bath for a long time” ~ Saidin

“When has dressing all in white and hating everyone else ever been anything but a good idea?” ~ A Child of the Light

“EVERYONE'S A DARKFRIEND EXCEPT US!!!!” ~ A Child of the Light

“Aoh, I hate battles, my uniform always gets covered in blood and it's really hard to wash out...” ~ A Child of the Light