3 Strategies to Save and Strengthen a Marriage with Bipolar

By Carin Meyer







Views

Marriage that involves a partner with bipolar can be difficult; Luckily learning keys to managing mood swings can help you have a successful life together.

My husband, Frank, lives for adventure. When he is driving our giant 4×4 hunting rig, a lifted Ford Excursion on nearly four-foot tall tires, he does not hesitate to steer us sideways along a steep mountainside, over enormous boulders, or deep into the seemingly bottomless mud pits near our Alaskan home. While I sit in the passenger seat, slightly worried but also laughing, my stepsons squeal with joy, and I frequently wonder: “how does he do it?”

It is not that I wonder how he steers so well, or how he dodges obstacles, or how he keeps his wits together when something breaks, or even how he always keeps us safe, but I wonder how he has handled, for more than four years now, the adventure of living with me, a woman diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

And so I started asking him how he does it. His first answer is always: “Because I love you.” But I know it is not that simple.

Eventually, I figured out another question to ask:

“What would you say to your friend if he told you he was marrying someone with bipolar disorder?”

This time, my husband thought about my question for a minute, and I was a little nervous as I waited for his reply. I wondered, as I have many times, whether he regretted his decision to marry me.

And then he finally answered.

“I think I would first ask him a few questions. Does she acknowledge it? Does she accept it? Does she make decisions to make it better? Because that is what makes all the difference in the world.”

I told him I wanted to try to help people in relationships where one person has bipolar disorder, so I took notes while we talked about it.

1. Acknowledge your diagnosis.

If you have high blood pressure, ignoring it or willing it to go away simply does not work. Even if you are not currently experiencing the symptoms of high blood pressure, it is still there and you must treat it, even if you feel great. This means that—just like with high blood pressure—you have to accept that you have a serious condition and that it will affect your life whether you like it or not. But unlike high blood pressure, bipolar disorder does not just affect your body, it affects all aspects of your life, including how you react to everyday stress, your financial decisions, your career, and as we all know, your relationships. Recognizing this is a vital first step to getting better.

“It would be really hard and I don’t know how I would do it if we all knew you had bipolar disorder but you did not do anything about it,” Frank says.

2. Own your diagnosis

I cannot just acknowledge my bipolar disorder. I also have to own it. For me, this has been very difficult. I often say that I have to go through Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief every couple of years just to accept, and re-accept, this condition. It seems like I will be doing really well and accomplishing much in my life, when again it hits me hard, and it feels like I have to start all over again. Instead of running away from it, I have to face it, head-on. This does not mean it becomes my identity or my excuse. Instead, I choose to take bipolar on and do my best to make it better, for me and my family.

3. Make the choices that prevent bipolar cycles.

I choose to prevent bipolar mood swings as best I can. This is not always possible, but I have far more control over prevention than I do once I am in a cycle. This means that every little choice I make to prevent a bipolar mood swing is more powerful than one I try to make once the episode is in process.

Every day, I have to choose, at the very least: to take my medication on time, to go to sleep on time, to see my doctor and therapist regularly, and to have a healthy lifestyle. For instance, when I choose not to order that first or second margarita at a restaurant, I may actually be preventing hours and even days of cycling that can result from throwing my body off by drinking even a small amount of alcohol.

Stability: a ‘Moving Target’ That’s Worth the Struggle

It takes a while after a bipolar diagnosis to accept it, to find the right treatment, and the adjustment and adaptation is constant. Stability is a moving target, and I have learned over the years that the treatment that worked at one time does not always work at another time. It is a constant balancing act but I do know that when I cycle, it directly affects my husband and my family, and so I want to do my best to keep it from happening.

But this does not mean I do not make mistakes. I do, and there are almost always consequences for me and my husband when I make poor choices. And at other times, I think I am doing everything just right, and yet I still cycle.

Needless to say, I love my family and I never want to lose them. After all, my first husband left when he said my bipolar illness was a “mountain of darkness” that he could never get over.

Of course, it was not that simple, but I know the pain of losing someone you love after years of struggling with this illness. This means I will do what it takes to be the best wife and mother I can be. Yes, I have may have to work harder at it because of my illness, but it does not mean that it is impossible, as long as I acknowledge and own it, and then, make the seemingly little choices that will make it better for me, and consequently, the ones that I love.