Not My Job: Former CIA Officer Robert Baer Gets Quizzed On Bears

We've invited Baer — who may or may not have been tapping our phones all week — three questions about bears.

Robert Baer was a CIA officer for decades, before coming in from the cold in the late 1990s. He's written a series of memoirs, including Sleeping with the Devil, The Company We Keep, and See No Evil, which was the basis for the George Clooney movie Syriana. His latest book is called The Perfect Kill: 21 Laws for Assassins.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

And now the game where ask knowledgeable people about something they don't know. It's called Not My Job. Robert Baer was a CIA officer for decades before coming out of the cold in the late '90s and writing a series of memoirs, one of which became the George Clooney movie "Syriana." His latest book is called "The Perfect Kill." Robert Baer, welcome to WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.

(APPLAUSE)

ROBERT BAER: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

SAGAL: So we were looking into your storied career in the CIA, and even before that, what you are doing then. And we came across this quote from you. It says I was an Aspen hippie who smoked a lot of dope. Is that about right?

BAER: There was a little bit of LSD, too, but we don't need to get into that.

SAGAL: Oh, OK.

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Wow.

SAGAL: So how does an Aspen hippie dabbling in drugs end up in the CIA?

BAER: Well, I guess their security wasn't all that good.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah.

BAER: I sort of admitted to most of it. You just sort of make half confessions.

SAGAL: Well, did you dream of working - how did you conceive the desire to be in the CIA?

BAER: I did this as a joke.

SAGAL: No, really?

BAER: Yeah. I was at Berkeley and bored and called theme up one day at the Federal Center. And they sent me an application - 50 pages long, and I filled it out. And I thought they're never going to hire me. My mom was a commie. You know, she used to teach at UCLA. And I was a ski racer, drugs, the whole thing. And they hired me.

BRIAN BABYLON: Wow.

POUNDSTONE: Were you up front about everything in your 50 page application?

BAER: I didn't really get into the LSD stuff, but this is Aspen in the '60s. Come on. I mean, this was snow capital, USA. There's cocaine. Everything was there. They should have known that. Seriously, I didn't think I was going to get hired. And, you know, go to the Federal Center, and there's this - invite you in a hotel, and call you up to a room. And ask you all these questions. Do you like guns? You know, do you want to go overseas and be a spy? And I said, well, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I guess. You know, I was 21 years old. What did I know?

SAGAL: Really? I don't know, I guess?

(LAUGHTER)

BAER: They called me, and they said can you be in Washington in two weeks? And I said I could be there next week. And in three months, I was jumping out of an airplane with a machine gun. And by then, I figured that was serious.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: So there was - it was only three months of training before you were jumping out of an airplane with a machine gun?

BAER: They did it right away. They kicked you - a night jump, too - and firing guns and blowing stuff up.

SAGAL: You know, it's interesting because usually, on the few occasions I've talked to intelligence agents, they all sort of chuckle, and say, oh, no, no, no, it's nothing like you see in the movies. You sound like you could be in a movie, like downhill-ski-racer-bon-vivant-drug-user from Aspen - secretly a spy who jumps out of planes with machine guns. I mean, at what point - was there a point - was it, like, when you were jumping out of the airplanes or when you said to yourself I actually like this because you were in the company for, like, what, three decades, right?

BAER: Yeah. No, it was more like what in God's name am I doing here?

SAGAL: Yeah.

BAER: When I tried to an assassinate Saddam Hussein, and I was up there. And there were shells going back and forth, and I was in my REI jacket holding a Kalashnikov watch in the middle of a battle, and then almost getting indicted by the FBI for attempted murder of Saddam Hussein. Then I was really asking myself what am I doing here?

SAGAL: Wait a minute.

BABYLON: You just said that real casually.

AMY DICKINSON: Wait, they're the good guys.

SAGAL: Hold on. Let's slow down and take this beat-by-beat. So hang with me here. So when was this, exactly?

BAER: This was 1995.

SAGAL: 1995 - so post-Gulf War.

BAER: Yeah - into Iraq to get rid of Saddam Hussein. And I didn't have all the paperwork done completely. But I was close enough, so I just launched. And no one had told the White House or the FBI. So when I came back, you know, the FBI sort of met me at the airport and my whole team.

SAGAL: So they presumably, they let you go.

BAER: Yeah. I have a letter of declination declining to prosecute me for murder. It's sort of - you know, a lot of people have brag walls. But I got one.

SAGAL: That's pretty cool. So Robert, I just have to ask quick, did you have any, like, cool gadgets?

BAER: Oh, I had a lot of them. They were, you know, we had pens that fired, you know, silenced bullets. They were great.

SAGAL: Really? You had pen that...

BAER: Yeah. They're called sub-sonic. They're chemical bullets, and they fire out of a BIC pen.

POUNDSTONE: Can I ask you something? When you get a thing like that, when you get a pen like that, did you ever, like, just shoot through an office wall with it because you couldn't resist trying it out?

BAER: Well, there were accidents. I had - my Kalashnikov was full of explosive rounds. And I like to keep a round in the barrel, but my bodyguard didn't realize that. So he was playing with the trigger while I was in lunch or something and pulled the trigger. And the entire explosives round went through the bottom of our new Toyota - just completely blew it apart.

SAGAL: I have to say, you know, it's been a rough couple of years for the CIA, and you're not really building up my confidence. So let's talk about the most important thing about your career as an international spy - and that is romancing the ladies. I'm sure that happened a lot, right?

BAER: Yeah, and got you in a lot of trouble.

SAGAL: Really?

BAER: Oh, yeah. I used to date the daughter of a KGB general, and that just flipped them out.

SAGAL: Really?

DICKINSON: Oh, my God.

SAGAL: So she was the daughter of a general in the KGB. Did it make for, like, awkward dinners when you went out with her and her parents? So how's work, you know?

BAER: No, her mom was cool. One time I got stuck in Moscow, and she diverted an airplane for me.

DICKINSON: Oh, my God.

BABYLON: Wow. This sounds like some eHarmony - (singing) this will be.

SAGAL: The sounds pretty great, actually. But when I asked you about it, you said it causes trouble. So what trouble did you get into?

BAER: Well, two FBI agents came out and wanted to know, you know, where was this whole thing going? And was she asking me any questions? And I said, listen, you know, it's just what it looks like.

BABYLON: I'm in love, bro.

SAGAL: It looks like either the greatest or the stupidest romantic comedy film ever. Did you, during any of this, have a codename?

BAER: I had a bunch of them. I had - I used to carry four or five passports in my pocket, different nationalities, different names.

SAGAL: Really? Well, did you have a cool codename? Like, you know, I'm thinking double O is what I'm thinking.

BAER: No. They gave you just dumb names. You know where they got them from?

SAGAL: Where?

BAER: They got them from a Melbourne telephone directory, an old one from, like, '36. They thumb through it, and they say, here, how would you like to be this guy?

POUNDSTONE: Crocodile Dundee?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Did you ever have a problem remembering who you were supposed to be? Somebody said John C, and you were like (humming)?

BAER: Once I was up in Canada in Ottawa and forgot my alias and introduced myself in the wrong name. And they just looked at me like I was nuts. You know, it happens. It's a messy business.

SAGAL: I wanted to ask you about "Syriana," that movie which in George Clooney plays a character who's not you but somewhat like you - was based on a book that you wrote about your adventures in the Middle East. What was your reaction to that?

BAER: Well, the director called me up, and said guy who is going to play you in the movie? And I said who? And he goes Rosie O'Donnell.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, Robert Baer, we're delighted to talk to you and could all day. But instead, we've asked you here to play a game we're calling...

BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: (Growling).

(LAUGHTER)

BAER: All right, I'm ready.

SAGAL: Well, you've been tapping our phones all week, so you know we're going to you, Robert Baer, about bears. Answer two correctly, you win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Robert Baer playing for?

KURTIS: He is playing for Kristian Soerbom of Stockholm, Sweden.

SAGAL: All right. You ready to do this Robert?

BAER: Oh, God, I don't know.

SAGAL: Well, come on. You have all the intelligence assets of the United States behind you.

BAER: That's what worries me.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In 2010, a large bear raided the home of a New Hampshire family and took what before leaving - A, millions of dollars in negotiable bonds, B, a teddy bear, C, the owner's collection of Rickie Lee Jones' records complete on vinyl?

BAER: The record - he took the records.

SAGAL: No, the bear took the teddy bear. It's odd because, of course, bears like tiny little stuffed adorable humans. Next question - you still have two chances here. In 2011, a California family went outside to discover that a bear had done what - A, stolen their Toyota Prius, B, drunk the entire contents of their hot tub or C, eaten everything in the garden except for the arugula?

BAER: Oh, it didn't eat the arugula.

SAGAL: You think a bear would, like, turn up its nose at arugula?

BAER: Yeah, absolutely, sure.

POUNDSTONE: They do like good gas mileage.

SAGAL: They do. No, he stole their Prius.

DICKINSON: No.

SAGAL: The bear stole the Prius.

BAER: Are you making this up?

SAGAL: No, I'm not. At 3:30 a.m., a California homeowner was awoken by this huge noise. And he woke up, and there's a black bear inside his Prius. And the Prius is rolling down the driveway because the bear has sort of attacked the inside trying to get out. And he's ripped up the gearbox, and it went into neutral. And now he's rolling down the driveway.

BAER: Well, I've got a Prius. It's easy to do.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There you go. Last question - you see if you can get this one right. Here we go. Sometimes a bear just doesn't want to do something harmless and borrow your car or take your teddy bear, it's coming after you. In 2010, a Montana woman successfully fought off a 200 pound black bear trying to attack her in her house by doing what - A, reading it her collected poetry, B, throwing a zucchini at it or C, attacking it with a bear claw pastry held in each hand?

BAER: The zucchini.

SAGAL: You're right, Robert. Yes, zucchini.

(APPLAUSE)

BAER: Victory, finally.

SAGAL: And we looked this up. It is worth reading to you all a portion of the news account of the incident. Quote, the bear turned its full attention to the woman in the doorway. She retreated into the house and tried to close the door, but the bear stuck its head and part of its shoulder through the doorway. The woman held onto the door with her right hand. With her left, she reached behind and grabbed a 14 inch zucchini she had picked from her garden earlier. She threw the vegetable. It bopped the bruin on the top of its head, and the animal fled.

(LAUGHTER)

BAER: There we go.

SAGAL: There you go. Bill, how did Robert Baer doing on our quiz?

KURTIS: Robert Baer did one 1 of 3. And by the Langley scoreboard, that's a win.

SAGAL: By ours, though, sadly, it's not. However, we're very glad to talk to you, and we wish you luck with your new book which is called "The Perfect Kill: 21 Laws For Assassins." Robert Baer, thank you so much for joining us.

BAER: Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

POUNDSTONE: Thanks, Robert.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SECRET AGENT MAN")

JOHNNY RIVERS: (Singing) Secret agent man, secret agent man.

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