The Hollywood Reporter said Thursday that after a four-studio bidding war, Universal has won the rights to produce a film based on Atari's 1979 videogame Asteroids.

The script will be written by Matthew Lopez (Race to Witch Mountain) and the film produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra).

At great personal risk, the staff of Game|Life infiltrated Universal Studios (we accidentally broke into the theme park, first, which was embarrassing) to smuggle out bits of the first draft of the screenplay. We think you'll agree that this has some serious blockbuster potential.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DUSK

WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF

Mr. President, I'm sorry to interrupt this meeting.

The PRESIDENT puts down his copy of "Maxim."

PRESIDENT

This had better be good, Johnson.

WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF

Your eminence, the planet is in grave danger. From... asteroids.

PRESIDENT

Are they hurtling towards the earth? What if they only took out France? Would that really be a big deal?

WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF

Actually, sir, they're floating around aimlessly. Very, very slowly.

PRESIDENT

Enough is enough! I want these motherf—-g asteroids out of their motherf—-g geosynchronous orbit!

INT. FARMHOUSE IN INDIANA - NIGHT

WIFE

(shrewishly)

I just don't see why you've gotta go off and shoot them there space rocks. Your life is here. In this farmhouse. In Indiana.

JOE BOB

Dammit, Maggie, that's exactly what it's about. Making a better life for you and me. And Joe Bob Jr. A life free of... of asteroids.

WIFE

Those asteroids never hurt anybody! All they do is sit there peaceful-like and float around very slowly!

JOE BOB

Dammit, Maggie, if our President says we have to shoot the rocks, that means we have to shoot the rocks. You don't want our neighbors reporting us as Communists.

WIFE

We'd never work in Hollywood again.

EXT. OUTER SPACE - NIGHT? DAY? NOT SURE

PEW PEW PEW of lasers firing. Loud BANGS as rocks break apart.

JOE BOB

Dammit, Tully, what did I tell you? Don't shoot them danged big asteroids until I've finished shooting all of the smaller ones that came out of the first big asteroid!

TULLY

Hey, if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen, old man!

PEET

White Squad, we've got unidentified bogey in the lower right hand corner of the screen.

JOE BOB

Sweet mother of God. What is that thing?

TULLY

That ain't no rock.

PEET

Looks like a... flying saucer.

PEW PEW PEW.

TULLY

Incoming fire! Oh my God, it's right on me! Backup!

PEET

We can't help you! You're all the way on the other side of the screen!

JOE BOB turns his ship backwards, and fires a bullet in the opposite direction. PEET and TULLY watch their viewscreens to see the bullet leave one side of the screen, then wrap around and destroy the saucer on the other.

JOE BOB

Looks like this old dog still knows some new tricks.

PEET

Behind you!

A large ASTEROID, played by William H. Macy, bears down on JOE BOB. Eyes widening, he frantically presses the Hyperspace button and disappears.

TULLY

Joe Bob? JOE BOB!

A single tear drips down his cheek.

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