Oh good. No undead have ravaged the world yet. You’re all still alive. That’s just dandy. I would love to say that in the months since the first entry, in which I identified a couple of reasons why you, I or Mr Bloggs would not survive past the first few disastrous days of a zombie apocalypse, I have toughened myself up… dosed myself on a daily prescription of 1000 press ups a day, learnt an advanced martial art, turned myself into a lean, mean, zombie killing machine. Now, I have been using stairs a lot, humming the Rocky theme in my head as I stomp up, sweat pouring off me, finally… agonisingly… reaching my goal, but that has been a means of necessity, being the steps to my home, and I sort of ruin all of my hard work with the reward of either beer, food, or a mixture of beer and food.

Luckily, this means I can totally relate in my second entry too! So onwards, to the second part of why neither you (nor I) will survive the terrible uprising of the undead:

3: It’s cold, yo!

Remember the first time you went camping? Have you even been camping? Let me tell you, the first mistake most people make on their first trip (provided you’re not surrounded by clones of Bear Grylls) is thinking that it’s summer! No need to pack thermals, or any jumpers… the sun is shining, everybody is happy! …until suddenly it’s 2am and you have no hope of getting to sleep because you’re being kept awake by the sound of your teeth chattering. The first night of a rookie camping is notoriously the most uncomfortable night of their lives. So we have mild discomfort… no big deal, right? Ever camped in the Winter? In the rain? Snow? Unpleasantness suddenly becomes life threatening. Do you know how to build a fire? Oh good. Now you’re a beacon! What happens if you get ambushed and have to leave everything behind? That frozen log looks mighty comfortable…

‘I’ll just take refuge in a house! Maybe even my house if I’m lucky enough to be close, if I can fortify it in time, and if nobody else had decided to take residence on any of the occasions I have to leave/risk my life for supplies.’ Well yes. That is a better option than having to rough it outside. But the house is also going to be cold, and dark. Most of the time it’s going to have nice big windows. Windows that will probably get smashed, allowing some of that lovely weather in. Are you proficient in covering it up, quietly? Sometimes your own house can be a death trap. I live in a second story flat. Only one way in and out. Well there is a second option but I like having unbroken legs.

Essentials = Same places as Zombies!

Ok. So luck has been on your side so far. You hit your head pretty hard last night (got drunk) so you decided to pull a sickie. You did the big shop two days ago so you have a fair bit of food in. You get cold easily so you have a wardrobe full of jumpers and socks. You’re sitting there in your underwear watching the the last ever newscast, evidently advising that going outside is not a good plan. Sorted. You are charmed. For about 3 days. The food is going to run out. Your electricity is limited. You will have to venture outside at some point, or starve. You also have no idea of the scale of how bad it beyond your front door. You have no allies now. You don’t know where your friends and family are, so you will have to go out blindly, to the places that many, many others will go/ have tried to go. ‘I’ll just try my neighbours! You triumphantly shout. Well there are a few possible outcomes. Happiest is that there is nobody home, plenty of food, and you’re home before supper. Worst is that you get bitten by zombie Bob.

Shops, supermarkets, and the like will be full of people who tried and failed. Any successful attempt will mean you will have to get back home, heavier, without being followed back. Of course, by all means, try being stealthy with a backpack full of food and water and a weapon in your arms. Let me know how that works out. Clever ideas such as growing your own food are impractical, especially if you hail from an urban area, as you’re going to have to keep the zombies trampling all over it, and other people from stealing it. Also, what are you going to eat in the weeks/months you are waiting for it to grow? Dreams?

Good luck in your zombie world adventures. Find me. We’ll hold the fort together.