(Yargh, here there be spoilers)

Why is my spoiler alert in pirate-speak? We’ll get to that in a second. But first, an explanation: the wonderful Game of Thrones online community Watchers on the Wall got their hands on the casting calls for season six of the HBO dragon-drama, and excitement has ensued. HBO has wised up in the past years and left off proper names, but the descriptions are all us with too much time on our hands need, baby.

Let’s speculate, shall we?

Pirate, man in his 40’s to late 50’s. He’s “an infamous pirate who has terrorized seas all around the world. Cunning, ruthless, with a “touch of madness.” He’s a dangerous-looking man. A very good part this season.

Who it probably is: Euron Greyjoy, also known as Crow’s Eye. And that is awesome. “But wait,” you say. “The Greyjoys aren’t awesome.” And that’s true, so far. We have Theon who, well, he’s had a rough go of it. We’ve had Theon’s curmudgeonly dad whose claim to fame is surrendering. Theon’s sister Yara (or Asha, whatever) was kind of cool, until her rescue attempt included killing about 15 grown men then running away from some dogs.

But what you might not know yet is that Theon’s extended family includes a whole ton of badass uncles, most badass of all being Euron. Why? Because Euron is in fact a pirate, the kind of pirate that makes other pirates say “turn it down a notch, guy.” For starters, there’s the eye-patch. The guy owns a ship called Silence, called that because he tore out all the oarsman’s tongues. The guy also owns a giant mystical horn that allegedly controls dragons, which isn’t a trope particularly specific to pirates, but still. Euron Greyjoy is the only crazy motherfucker in Westeros that sailed through the Smoking Sea to Valyria and came back like “cool story, bro.” Euron Greyjoy is, I repeat, a badass. Bring on the pirates.

Father. Aged 50’s to 60’s, he’s one of the greatest soldiers in Westeros- a humorless martinet, severe and intimidating. He demands martial discipline in the field and in his home. It’s described as “a very good part” for next year and that he’s “centrally involved” in a protagonist’s storyline.

Who it probably is: Sounds a lot like the father of the recently de-virginized Sam Tarly, Randyll Tarly. Spoiler alert: Randyll Tarly has always been kind of a dick to Sam, which explains both Sam’s tendency to favor books over people and just enough pent up rage to be the first person in 1,000 years to stab a White Walker in the face. In fact, the whole reason Sam is even in the Night’s Watch is because his father basically held him at Valyrian-steel-point and made him sign up.

Paired up with the next three casting calls, for a Mother, a Sister, and a Brother, it looks like we’re in for a trip to Sam’s home of Horn Hill. The Brother, described as “athletic, a good hunter, an excellent swordsman, manly, not particularly bright but the favorite child of the father,” is a lock for Sam’s aptly named sibling Dickon, who was always Randyll’s fave son. Now, if this isn’t a flashback and Sam is actually headed to Horn Hill, it will take the place of his book-story in which he heads to the Citadel to become a Maester.

Priest, in his 40’s or 50’s. A gruff ex-soldier who found religion. Now a no-nonsense rural priest who ministers to the poor of the countryside. He’s salt-of-the-earth man who has weathered many battles.

Who it probably is: Two options here, the first being Theon Greyjoy’s other badass uncle Aeron, also known as the Damphair because of his, um, damp hair. Aeron is in fact an ex-soldier who found religion, salt-of-the-earth, and you could say no-nonsense. The only problem is he is more of a seaside guy, as opposed to a countryside guy, as the seaside is more conducive to drowning your priests.

Option two is a character named Septon Meribald, and if that’s true it hints at a pretty major plot-line. (Major spoilers to follow, but maybe not because it’s still speculation, but spoilers all the same?). In the books, Septon Meribald acts as a guide to Brienne and Podrick on a journey that goes through a monastery on the Quiet Isle. At the monastery, the crew spies a gravedigger even larger than Brienne, with his face covered, stopping his grave-digging to pat a dog on the head. SOME PEOPLE, MAYBE ME MAYBE NOT, think this is a repentant Sandor Clegane, AKA the Hound, whose death rumors are incredibly exaggerated.

The next two roles are Leading Actress and Priestess, two characters I have no theories for, mostly because the next one fills me with such excitement

Fierce Warrior, a tall man in 30’s or 40’s with a powerful physique. They’re looking for someone with “mixed ethnicity” for the role.

Who it probably is: Strong Belwas Strong Belwas Strong Belwas Strong Belwas Strong Belwas Strong Belwas. This is all I’ve ever wanted.

I mean, a person could easily say that description is vague enough to be anyone. I would have to ask why that person enjoys destroying people’s dreams. Please. Strong Belwas or riot.

A large boy, with an actor who is 10-12 but playing 7 or 8. He’s described as “a clever boy” who seems too large for his age. He’s big and tall but not fat. “Characterful squat features” are a plus for this part. it’s specified that this is a one-time appearance. 12 year old boy, with brown hair and blue eyes. He needs to use a Northern accent. He has scenes where he has to spar with a wooden sword. The length of the role isn’t specified. 7 year old boy with dark brown hair, a narrow face and green eyes. He also has a Northern accent. He also spars with the wooden sword, so it’s safe to assume it’s the same scene. This role is similarly open-ended, the description only stating that the character is being ‘introduced.’

Who it probably is: Watchers on the Wall pretty astutely pointed out that Sean Bean has green eyes, hinting that the 7-year-old is a young Ned Stark and that these three roles will take part in a flashback, likely seen by Bran inside a tree. It’s a long story.

As for the other two, the large boy “big and tall but not fat” I could see being a young Robert Baratheon, before he became big and tall and also fat. The 12-year old, who more than likely would be sparring with the young Ned Stark and speaks with a Northern accent, is likely to be Ned’s older brother Brandon Stark, tree-Bran’s namesake.

Theories, queries, or alternate idea-ries? Let us know!