71 people were shot when James Holmes opened fire during the midnight premiere of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ on Friday, but Torrence Brown, Jr. wasn’t one of them. He was there (he works in the movie theater and a friend of his was killed) but he wasn’t injured in any way.

Nonetheless he’s the first to hire an attorney and announce a sweeping lawsuit because money. First he’ll sue the movie theater, because he thinks emergency exit doors should have magic charms on them like in ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’ so only the penitent man shall pass.

Then he’ll sue:

Holmes’ doctors. (Browns attorney) says it appears Holmes was on several medications — prescribed by one or more doctors — at the time of the shooting and he believes the docs did not properly monitor Holmes.

Was James Holmes on some sort of “medication”? Perhaps! Did the doctors monitor him correctly? I have no idea, but let’s sue them anyway and look into that later. I don’t have all day, ya know.

(Brown will also sue) Warner Bros. (claiming) “Dark Knight Rises” was particularly violent and Holmes mimicked some of the action.

Keep in mind that Holmes hadn’t even seen ‘Dark Knight Rises’. He was at the premiere. But according to the attorney, he watched 20 minutes of it, went home, dyed his hair like a character from a different movie, built a time machine to go buy 4 guns and wire his apartment with explosives, then came back to our time and shot up the theater. He invented time travel, we can’t arrest him now, he’s the future of humanity.