New York, NY—

Because Fox News’s history of epic sexual harassment lawsuits has cost the conservative news network hundreds of millions of dollars in settlement payments, Fox has just announced a $10,000 bonus to every male employee who doesn’t sexually harass Tomi Lahren in her first year as a contributor.

Recent lawsuits against mega creeps like Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes for sexual misconduct have dramatically changed the network’s stable of personalities as well as its leadership, and Fox executives are so worried about Tomi Lahren getting grossly hit on that they are willing to try out preemptive bonuses of some of the future lawsuit costs they expect to have to pay.

“Being intentionally and militantly conservative, Fox tends to lure very patriarchal guys,” said a Fox News producer, who requested anonymity to discuss the inside situation at Fox. “You heard about the sick, demented stuff that Ailes did, right? But now the culture of Fox is changing, and that stuff isn’t acceptable anymore because it has just gotten so darn expensive. It’s kind of sad, but that’s what you get for letting women in the boardroom and ruining the boys’ club. Before you know it, suddenly you can’t intimidate, bribe, or blackmail your female underlings for sexual favors anymore. What’s next, we have to pay them equal to men? I say no more women executives!”

Another anonymity-requesting Fox producer admitted that the bonuses aren’t all Fox is doing to try and protect Ms. Lahren, and, of course, the Fox budget.

“We try to limit Tomi’s presence around Fox executives, because they are the biggest risk factors,” said the source. “These bigwigs think their business success should correlate with sexual success, and they become massive perverts. So when Tomi isn’t actually on air, we try to hide her in various, creative ways so that male staffers can’t tell where she is at any given moment. When she needs to go to the bathroom we give her an Obama mask to wear with an over-sized parka rain coat like a burqa, and it scares every Fox staffer away. The lengths we go to are necessary because our male executives just can’t help but objectify attractive, blonde white women, and, thanks to Ailes’ Aryan obsession, Fox is filled with them. We’re the news network practically engineered for sexists in America, so naturally we’re going to attract some of the worst of them to work for us. At the end of the day, though, these elaborate Tomi disguises and the big bonuses we’re dishing out to every male employee are still our cheapest option at this point.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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