You Cannot Have a Sex Scandal If You Have Never Had Sex

My fellow Americans: First, let me thank you for the overwhelming support I have received just a month into my presidential campaign. At this rate, we will have our first Gamer president next year, and I could not be more excited to embark on this open-world adventure with you all.

It is time to expand our horizons though, and truly turn the corner into the next step of 100 percenting this playthrough. We must appeal to those outside of our base of Gamers, and reach out to get the votes of the moms and pops, the small business owners, the Golden Tee players. My fear is that we cannot carry the electoral college on the backs of gamers alone.

Now, those outside of the gaming world are quick to criticize me, saying that a Gamer shouldn’t be President, and that “vidja games are for wussies,” and the like. If I can’t appeal to them with my impressive speed runs or snarky streams, let me appeal to them by describing why a Gamer would be more fit to serve than any previous commander-in-chief.

I’m not sure how many presidents there have been, but one thing I do know is that about half of them have been rocked by a sexual scandal. Trump, Clinton, Kennedy, and most famously, William Henry Harrison, whose lightning flash of a presidency was merely a 31 day whirlwind term of sucking and fucking that sent him into a disease ridden early grave. A beautiful speedrun.

These scandals and stories do nothing for our country but diminish our respect on a global scale. I ask you this, voters: What is the surest way to ensure that the president has no sex scandal? Well, that’s simple — elect a man who has never had sex.

While other presidents spent their pre-political years cheating on their wives, I was courting Emily, the blue haired bartender from Stardew Valley. We never fucked once and somehow still had a baby. When the others were paying off porn stars to keep their misdeeds confidential, I was paying off referees in Mutant League Football to look the other way on my penalties. When all my adolescent friends were masturbating, I was playing Pokémon on my Game Boy and asking them what the heck they were doing.

Video games have taught me a lot, but perhaps the most important thing is that no earthly pleasure can compare to that of a well timed headshot or perfectly executed raid. I have no skeletons in my closet, because I’ve been streaming League of Legends from my closet every weeknight for the last three years.

I solemnly swear to you, the voting public, that I have never fucked anyone, including your mom. I’ll see you at the polls!

Written by Ace Watkins with contributions from Mark Roebuck.