If your birthday is this week: If you’re leading Libyan Rebels, this will not be your week. Otherwise, you’ll have some waffles.

Aries: Your delicious Greek dinner ends awkwardly when you break all the plates and realize you’re in an Indian restaurant.

Taurus: Some aliens will abduct you, but when they remove your pants to anal probe you, all they do is hand you a box of baby wipes and send you back to Earth. Nice goin’, skid.

Gemini: The stars say, you’ll squeal like a little girl when a rubber band breaks in your hand. Be prepared to say something more manly like, “Ah, bitch!”, you pussy.

Lemini: Turns out, you’re not the Chosen One, but you are the Chosen One’s personal assistant. That’s something, right?

Cancer: During a plane ride, you’ll have mad, crazy monkey sex with some woman from Tampa because you think you’re going to die. Fortunately for you the plane lands safely and she’s a post-op tranny, so no chance of her getting pregnant.

Leo: You’ll get up and feel awesome. Then you’ll get a desperate call from your girlfriend. She’s been kidnapped by terrorists. Mustering all the cajones at your disposal, you track down the terrorists one by one, killing them all. Later, you’ll find your girlfriend in that bar she likes. Turns out, she was just kidding. Jokes on you. Plus six murders. You watch too many movies, dude.

Virgo: You roll over and go back to sleep. Might as well. No cool shit’s happening to you this week.

Libra: You will drink more beers than anyone at the party, at the bar afterwards and at the hospital where you get your stomach pumped. Nice!

Scorpio: The stars say, you are definitely a sex addict if you try to give the EMT oral sex as he’s stitching up your bullet hole. You know chatting people up first is usually the first step, perv.

Sagittarius: You will realized this week that you’re too competitive. Golf games should not end in fist fights.

Capricorn: You’ll be caught with your genitals exposed on camera. What will make it worse is that your caught by the stadium Kiss-cam.

Aquarius: Your card is the 7 of clubs. Tah-dah!

Pisces: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is returning to television soon, so life will be worth living again. Not for you, but for other people.