WASHINGTON—Privately expressing his relief that the situation was better than it could have been, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) reportedly took a moment Wednesday to reflect that at least the Twitter users he was suing for mocking him didn’t know about his leaking, prolapsed anus. “These people were really mean to me when they were just critiquing my public statements and voting record, so I can just imagine the sort of field day they’d be having if they found out that my rectum is telescoped out past my anus, resulting in a constant flow of fecal matter dribbling down my leg at all times,” thought the congressman, acknowledging that if social media users discovered that he had previously worn a diaper but had stopped because it only ended up overflowing in a matter of hours, he’d likely never hear the end of it. “To be honest, I’m also pretty fortunate that no one has sussed out the fact that the only way for me to achieve sexual satisfaction is to ejaculate into a bowl of clam chowder and feed it to an unwitting victim while filming the whole thing. That would be mighty embarrassing, to say nothing of me owning the country’s largest collection of frozen condoms full of shit. And the worst part is, I’d have no legal standing to sue if any of this came out since all of this is 100% the God’s honest truth.” At press time, Nunes had decided to cheer himself up about his tapeworm-infested scrotum by buying himself a new child bride.

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