“I have to admit I’m looking pretty guilty here, and if the roles were reversed then I’d vote to convict you for the death of an innocent plant but you wouldn’t believe how this actually occurred

You see this Bird of Paradise was trying to fly away, it’s a bird you know and I really dislike birds. Anyway before it became airborne I managed to subdue it and drag it over on to the lawn. It’s leaves must have spontaneously fallen into my mouth, and in a moment of panic I chewed them. When you look at this logically I was actually doing you a favour as I was unsure if it would attack from the sky.

The stuffed pig? I know you want to ask what it’s doing here, it’s best if we just move on and forget this whole horrid affair.

It’s cold and dark outside so how about we all go back inside where it’s not raining, turn the heater up and think about more positive things”