“You were right, I was wrong; I made a terrible mistake.”

I wish I had said that. But I couldn’t. The lizard would not let me.

In a recent meeting, my client pointed out that I had missed my deadline. At that moment I had two choices, accept or justify. I chose the latter. I failed. The meeting quickly turned into a finger pointing contest before spiraling out of control.

All because I could not own up to my mistake.

We have all been in situations where we knew, without a doubt, that accepting our mistake was the best strategy, but we just could not make ourselves to do it.

Accepting our mistakes is difficult. It is difficult because of our innate need to be congruent with the narrative we have constructed in our head. The narrative that tells us who we are and what we are like.

Once a narrative has set its roots, we refuse to see opposing viewpoints. We experience, what psychologists call, “cognitive dissonance” anytime we expose ourselves to ideas, beliefs or opinions that conflict with our narrative.

Once cognitive dissonance engulfs the minds, the civilized part of our brain freezes and activates the primitive part: the lizard brain.

Lizard brain is the emotional center of the brain. It drives our basic survival instincts. It cares about food, fear, fury and coitus. Lizard brain is much older and more powerful than other parts of the brain. When it seizes control, the rest of the brain takes a back seat.

“The lizard brain is hungry, scared, angry and horny. The lizard brain only wants to eat and be safe. The lizard brain will fight to the death if it has to but rather run away. It likes vendetta and has no trouble getting angry. The lizard is a physical part of your brain, the pre-historic lump near the brainstem that is responsible for fear and rage and reproductive drive. The lizard brain jumps into action whenever basic survival needs are at stake and when it is aroused, the other part of our brain stands little chance, particularly if we have not trained it for these events. And so the conflict. The conflict between what feels good now and what we ought to do. In the face of fear from the amygdala, an untrained person surrenders. The amygdala isn’t going away. Your lizard brain is here to stay, and your job is to figure out how to quiet it and ignore it. The only hope for our species is that the rest of the brain, the civilized part, will care so deeply about positive outcomes that it will organize to avoid the lizard.” ~ Seth Godin

When we are directly confronted with evidence of our mistakes, the lizard brain lashes out. It tries to justify its actions tenaciously to preserve its narrative. Even irrefutable evidence is rarely enough to pierce the mental armor of self-justification.

When my client pointed out my faults, the lizard scoured my mind for a justification and yelled back, “Well, you never gave me a precise deadline. It was your fault, not mine.”

The lizard brain can find a justification for any action.

It will only embrace information that confirms its view while ignoring, or rejecting, information that casts doubt on it. Under the influence of the lizard, we pick out those bits of data that make us feel good because they confirm our prejudices. Psychologists call this mental gymnastic “confirmation bias.”

If the new information aligns with our beliefs, then the lizard says: “Just what I always said!”

But if the new information is dissonant, the lizard brain considers it biased or foolish: “What a dumb argument!”

Brain MRI scans show that when we are confronted with dissonant information, the reasoning areas of our brains shuts down while the emotional circuitry of the lizard brain light up with activity.

When our reasoning center goes offline our actions are guided by the same instincts as reptiles.

Fight or Flight !

Humans are wired this way. That’s why we almost never respond well when someone points out how unreasonable we’re being. We don’t see it, because the lizard won’t let us.

Changing our point of view requires us to override our lizard brain and accept the mental discomfort of cognitive dissonance. It requires us to admit our mistakes.

“How can we learn from our mistakes unless we first admit that we made one? Most people know they are supposed to say “we learn from our mistakes,” but deep down, they don’t believe it for a minute. The narrative in our head says that mistakes mean you are stupid. “Mistake? What mistake? I didn’t make a mistake … What do I have to be sorry about, anyway? She started it … He stole it … Not my fault.” The need to reduce dissonance is a universal mental mechanism, but that doesn’t mean we are doomed to be controlled by it. Human beings may not be eager to change, but we have the ability to change, and the fact that many of our self-protective delusions and blind spots are built into the way the brain works is no justification for not trying. ”~Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)

Once we understand how how the lizard operates, we can become more vigilant about the process and nip it in the bud. Two strategies that has helped me to deal with the lizard brain are:

Take 5 Strong Opinions, Weakly Held

Take 5

If we can learn to put a little space between what we feel and how we respond we can stave off the irrational responses of the lizard brain.

If we can step back and take a couple deep breaths, the lizard brain deactivates itself. It may seem like a simplistic tool but it is effective.

The Navy SEALs use a technique of regulated breathing called, “Box Breathing” to neutralize the lizard brain when confronted with threatening situations.

When you control your breathing and slow down your heart rate, the lizard thinks that the “threat” no longer exists. Once the lizard calms down, you can reclaim your ability to use the much more logical neocortex, the civilized part of the brain.

It was “Take 5” that saved me from myself in my client meeting. Before all hell broke lose, I said, “Give me a few minutes and we discuss this matter in a little while.”

Simply ending the conversation and taking a few deep breaths completely changed my perspective. I could think straight again. I got back on the phone and within 15 minutes resolved most of our issues.

When you feel like the lizard brain is taking over, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. It can make all the difference.

Strong Opinions, Weakly Held

Once you get attached to a belief, any contradictory information will awaken the lizard. It is therefore important that you are not too attached to what you believe because it undermines your ability to “see” and “hear” evidence that clashes with your opinions.

However, weak opinions are problematic because people aren’t inspired to develop the best arguments for them, or to put forth the energy required to test them. Cultivating strong opinions is essential for a creative life.

“Strong Opinions, Weakly Held” therefore, suggests that you need to be passionate about your opinions but also be prepared to let them go once you have enough contradictory evidence.

A richer understanding of how and why our minds work as they do is the first step toward taming the lizard. Once we refuse to cling to unreasonable beliefs, we can take back control.

If we detach from our narrative and look at our actions critically, as if we were observing someone else, we stand a chance of breaking the chains of self-justification. And that, in turn, requires us to be more mindful of our behavior and the reasons for our choices. It takes time, humility, and willingness.