Within my bigger life purpose and practice, (the practice of love), there has been a learning and re-learning in the art of not being offended. I notice these days that I rarely take offence to much and there are still niggles and triggers. I celebrate this noticeable change and the freedoms it brings me from the tyranny of expectations and hurt, as in the past I took offence to pretty much EVERYTHING! When I am not offended by the small or large actions and transgressions (perceived or real) of others I am in my own story and I flow on my own wild and beautiful course. I sit comfortably in my own joy and I am grounded in my path where I feel a soft heart toward those who may offend me or rather, that I take offence to.

I have noticed that some people simply appear to not take offence. I have studied these individuals with curiosity to see what I can learn from them. I see several different things that show up here. The person may have such a strong sense of self, they may be a person who is so in the centre of life and others lives that there is never anything to be offended about. Or they simply are so inward looking that they are unaware that there is anything to take offence to. There is sometimes an energy of arrogance for me in this type and it holds risks of great vulnerability if the centre was to shift. I think in the past I may have put myself front and centre as much as possible to hold (unsuccessfully) this type of non-offence. I also know some people with such big hearts it does not occur to them to feel that way and even then, I have noticed big hearts can still take offence or worse be exploited in their endless capacity to not be offended. I have also observed it as a gift of middle age and beyond, particularly in women as they claim a space of such fatigue in being concerned about others thoughts or perceived thoughts, that taking offence is just too much work. In many ways this is where I have landed after so many years of such heightened sensitivity to the thoughts and opinions of others. It is possible that being offended is an extrovert or co-dependents battle where our neediness for external input is so much higher and I say that not to diminish this need in introverts’ either.

Part of developing this art form and practice has been to understand where being offended has shown up for me. It shows up in some trigger zones, like when I take offence to a comment from a family member that links back to a very old tape and story of me, usually from childhood. It has shown up in some close friendships when I am ignored, unsupported in my creative pursuits or I perceive exclusion. It still shows up in the context of co-parenting with the kids dad, where I take offence to any hint of my parenting incompetence or being blamed and it has shown up for many years in the context of parenting.

Parenting has taught me much about the art of not being offended. I have practice on a regular basis. Not being offended when someone says ‘he just needs a good smack.’ Not being offended when I attend a school meeting with 11 paid professionals and I get told as the opener that my child is ‘shameful and disgusting’. Not being offended when someone can’t wait to tell me that they saw my child with his grandparents and ‘he was as good as gold’. Not being offended that birthday party invites have been very rare and precious moments. Not being offended that as a family we can’t do the things I did and would love to let my kids experience because of melt downs and sensory overloads. Not being offended when a friend, lover or family member won’t get involved, even for a meal or to lend a hand. Not being offended when someone jokingly tells me that my child will grow up to be a ‘serial killer’. Not being offended when another mother lectures me that all I need to do is ‘lock him in his room’ to cure his behaviour. Not being offended when I am asked if I have ‘tried gluten free’ or if I ‘vaccinated my children’ and so on. Ok so these are things that I am clearly offended by (or was at some point in time) and they have taught me some of the practices in the art of not being offended. So recently when a relative stranger said to me ‘aren’t you worried about what is going to become of him, that he will go to goal’? I actually smiled. I could see she was coming from a place of kindness, just not the kind of kindness I would deliver. Other people’s unconsciousness is not a burden I need to take on or be offended about.

What a gift to live in a small community as a single parent of children on the spectrum. In so many ways I am held with a generosity and kindness that it is truly heart-warming. It also has the shadow of a small town, where everyone is fair game for commentary and judgement. I walked around for so many years being offended by the comments of people that leaving the house and making eye contact let alone smiling became complex, a gift to work on the art of NOT being offended indeed.

There has been great pain behind being offended too, it is not as simple as a choice and it has, for me, absolutely been a practice of conscious intent to value myself, keep a generous and open heart and not take offence. I had a recent experience of being offended at the number of comments I had about my child’s behaviour on our local public transport. It stung. It hurt. I am doing my best after all and these people don’t know me…us…our story. Instead of being offended and retreating into myself, I decided to take spontaneous action and I wrote an open letter to the community inviting in kindness and curiosity. The response since this time has been beautiful and I am grateful that I turned my offended hurt into an invitation.

A generous heart, knowing my triggers and focusing on self-love before external love have all been practices to the art of not being offended. Practicing presence has been a wonderful antidote to the hurts of offense as has naming it. When I am present, I can state without judgement or attachment to the outcome, to the person I am offended by where I felt the offence and why. My desire to have a heart at peace has been key in practicing this art. Noticing the hurts, sitting in self-love, naming the offense then moving to compassionate love for others is peaceful living for me. An assumption that everyone is doing their best and also some personal maturity in simply growing up and not being offended, even when people can be offensive is part of this practice too. The sharper learning edge is of course in deep friendship and relationships and well worth the practice.

There is balance for me of not being offended and letting people stomp through my life. I like to think I have an open heart (flawed and imperfect), that I can hold a lot and in the past that has also shown up as allowing mistreatment in my more intimate relationships. This is where being offended can be a useful early warning sign. I have noticed when I name it with compassion and kindness, it loses its power, a bit like turning on a light in the day time. Also the connection can be deepened in these spaces into shared understanding. Although I can practice not taking offence, what a sweet thing in connection and relationships to practice consciousness together in not giving offence.

There are many offences at work in our world today too. When I look around at so much violence and fear and hate it can be hard to imagine what a world of peace and not taking offence would look like. What if it starts with us and our capacity to forgive and love even through our hatred and fear? What if we were in the practice of tolerance, kindness and generosity to our fellow humans? I am reminded of some wise words shared with myself and some others and I cannot credit the original source: How not to start a war: Do not offend, Do not be offended and Do not retaliate if you are offended.

What if it is that simple? Some beautiful practices for life.



Today I practice and practice not being offended and least of all by myself. It feels so simple that I can smell her elegance and freedom and yet it shows up as something I need to keep practicing. So I practice this and feel a sense of self-worth when this practice settles into my bones in those tricky life spaces. Dignity and grace may be the tools I need to harness in this practice. When my learning edge in this practice of love is rocked and shaken to the core through wounds and hurts, I practice being softer not harder. To speak my truth with kindness. My intention is always to remain soft. To not be offended and practice great consciousness with others hearts so that I don’t unintentionally give offence.