I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

William B. "Bill" Watterson II (born July 5 1958) is the author of the comic-strip Calvin and Hobbes.

Quotes [ edit ]

Calvin & Hobbes [ edit ]

[first lines]

Calvin: So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now! Calvin's Father: They like tuna fish, huh? Calvin: Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich! Hobbes is eating sandwich and caught upside down in trap Hobbes {talking to the reader, "breaking the fourth wall"}: We're kind of stupid that way.

Calvin: Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak! Hobbes: She's cute, isn't she? Calvin: Go away. p12 Susie Derkins' first mention by name - she would appear in the strip for the first time the following day

WAP! WAP! WAP! Calvin's Mom: CALVIN!!! What are you DOING to the coffee table?!? Calvin: pauses, looks at the table, which has dozens of nails hammered into its top Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what? p. 23

Hobbes: What's that cereal you're eating? Calvin: It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Have a taste. Hobbes: Thank you. (clutching throat) MFFPBTH!!!!! S-Sw-Sw SWEET!!!!!!!!! Calvin: Actually, they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em. p61

Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace? Calvin: Too few role models. Calvin: I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, OK? Hobbes: Gotcha. Calvin: GO! (they shoot each other simultaneously WAP-WAP) Kind of a stupid game,isn't it? p62

Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia, I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy...and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!! Calvin's Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid Lima beans. p70

Hobbes: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Calvin: EIGHTEEN?!? By then I'll know better! p90

[Calvin and Hobbes are riding along in their red wagon, careening through the woods] Calvin: It's true, Hobbes, ignorance is bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere ... and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to fix them ... and fixing problems always seems to require personal change ... and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! [Moving downhill, they begin to pick up speed.] Calvin: [looking back at Hobbes] But if you're willfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! Hobbes: [looking concerned] We're heading for that cliff! Calvin: [hands over his eyes] I don't want to know about it. [They fly off the cliff: 'Waaaugghhh!'] Hobbes: [after crash landing] I'm not sure I can stand so much bliss. Calvin: Careful! We don't want to learn anything from this! (Source: [1]; Cartoon: [2])

Calvin: Hey! Where's the stocking for Hobbes? Where's Santa gonna stick Hobbes' loot, if Hobbes doesn't have a stocking?!? Mom: Okay, okay, I'll make Hobbes a stocking. Don't worry. Calvin: Make it big, but not as big as mine. Mom: ..."Hobbes' loot"?? Dad: DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M DONE SHOPPING!

Something Under the Bed Is Drooling [ edit ]

Calvin: Boy, what a day! I went to school, played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. [to his dad] You know what time it is now? Calvin's Dad: Uh, 7:35. Calvin: It's Miller Time. Calvin's Dad: Get back here! p28

Calvin: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, Dad? Calvin's Dad: Oh, sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Calvin's Mom: [to Calvin's dad] Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? p29

Calvin and Hobbes are asleep Voice from Under Bed: Psst... hey, kid. C'mere under the bed. I've got a brand new toy for you. Hobbes: Uh oh. I think I saw a tentacle under the bed! Calvin: Monsters! Hobbes: Turn on the lights! That makes monsters shrivel up. Calvin: Good idea! Calvin turns on light Monsters: AARRGHHH! AIEEEE! AAHHHHHH! GAACKK! Hobbes: Ha ha! We got 'em! Calvin: Just the ones under the bed. We better open up the drawers and closet too, and get some light in those places! Calvin and Hobbes open closet and dump dresser drawers Calvin: By golly, no monsters are going to get us tonight! Wither and die, bloodsucking freaks of nature! A sleepy Calvin's dad enters room Calvin's Dad: Why is your light on? What in the world are you doing?!? Calvin: Monsters, Dad. They could be anywhere. Calvin's Dad: {enraged} YOU'RE TRASHING YOUR ROOM AT 1 IN THE MORNING, LOOKING FOR MONSTERS?! IF YOU DON'T GET BACK INTO BED THIS INSTANT, YOU'LL HAVE A LOT MORE TO WORRY ABOUT THAN STUPID MONSTERS!! Light is off and Calvin and Hobbes are covered by the bedspread Calvin{annoyed}: ...What we need is some way to shrivel him up. Lazy Sunday book 23

Susie: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? Calvin: I'm still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you? Susie: I'm "Fat". Calvin: No, I mean in the play. Susie: [punches Calvin] Anyone ELSE want to say it?!? Calvin: Aackk! Understudy! Understudy! p43

Calvin's Dad: It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV. p100

Yukon Ho! [ edit ]

Susie: {to Calvin} Talking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. p72

Calvin's Dad: Go break his little legs, will you, honey? p77

Weirdos from Another Planet [ edit ]

Susie: I was going to ask you to play House, but I think you'd be a weird example for our children. p36

The Revenge of the Baby-Sat [ edit ]

Calvin: If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May. p6

Calvin's Dad: I think "Santa" would rather have a cold beer. p15

Hobbes: Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. p15

Calvin's Dad: (spotting Calvin's macabre snowmen) You can always tell when you get to our house. p41

[Hobbes eating "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" to help Calvin get proof of the purchase seals to get a beanie.] Hobbes: Blechh. I feel sick. Calvin: Oh, c'mon. That's only your second bowl of cereal. Hobbes: This stuff is pure sugar. Calvin: But it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes: Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin: Look, it says right here, "Part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast." Hobbes: And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins... Calvin: (shaking) You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet. p43

Calvin's Mom: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble. p76

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front? p100

Calvin's Mom: How can kids know so much and still be so dumb? p109

[Calvin and Hobbes are waiting for the school bus] Calvin: How long have we been waiting for the bus now? Hobbes: (looking at his watch) About two and a half hours. Calvin: I think mom put me out here this early on purpose! p123

Calvin's Dad: I'm going to the office and get some sleep. p124

Calvin's Dad: I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

Scientific Progress Goes "Boink" [ edit ]

Calvin: Dad, how come old photographs are in black & white? Didn't they have colored pictures back then? Calvin's Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old pictures are in color. It is just that the world was in black and white then. Calvin: Really? Calvin's Dad: The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too. Calvin: So how come old paintings are in color? Wouldn't they be black and white, too? Calvin's Dad: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. Calvin: But.....but how could they paint in color? Wouldn't their paint tubes have been shades of gray then? Calvin's Dad: Precisely. But they turned color as did everything else in the 30s. Calvin: So how come old photographs are in black & white? Calvin's Dad: Because they were color photographs of a black and white world, remember? Later, sitting on a branch Calvin: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes. Hobbes: Whenever I feel that way, I nap in a tree and wait for dinner. p23 (29 Oct 89)

Calvin: (as they are walking and come upon some trash in the woods) I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. p29 (08 Nov 89)

Calvin: Look, Hobbes! My newest invention! Hobbes: Isn't that your transmogrifier? Calvin: It was, but I made some modifications. See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator! Hobbes: Ah. Calvin: It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier, so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper, this machine actually creates a real duplicate! Hobbes: {happy} So our financial worries are over? Calvin: And counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home! p. 55

Hobbes: Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? Calvin: I was just about to. You can help. Hobbes: Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Calvin: Me! Hobbes: You?? Calvin: Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room, so I'll duplicate myself with this, and let the duplicate do the work! Smart, huh? Hobbes: I can picture the look on your parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin: Twins, heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team! p. 55

Calvin: OK Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me. Hobbes: Are you sure this is such a good idea? Calvin: Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions! This is a brilliant idea! Hit the button, will ya? Hobbes: I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. [presses button] BOINK Hobbes: Scientific progress goes "boink"? Voice from under the box: It worked! It worked! I'm a genius! Second voice from under the box: No you're not, you liar! I invented this! p. 55

Calvin's Dad: Numb toes build character. p64 (21 Jan 90)

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957. p76 (28 Feb 90)

Susie: I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Calvin: Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that girls don't have to put with this nonsense. If a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine! But if a guy doesn't spend his afternoon chasing some stupid ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy! Susie: On the other hand, boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight. Calvin: And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials! p99

Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons [ edit ]

Calvin's Dad: I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here. p8 (20 Jun 90)

Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character. p9 (23 Jun 90)

Calvin: It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. p19 (01 Aug 90)

Hobbes: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? p38 (15 Nov 90)

Hobbes: Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them. p52 (14 Oct 90)

Calvin: They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it. p53 (19 Oct 90)

Calvin: In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. p58 (29 Oct 90)

Calvin: It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. p62 (08 Nov 90)

Calvin's Dad: I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. p68 (23 Nov 90)

Calvin: I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification. p90 (19 Jan 91)

Susie: Uh oh... here comes Calvin - the Incurable Weirdness poster child. p125 (31 Mar 91)

Calvin's Dad: By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "mud." You may rise. p126 (10 Apr 91)

The Days Are Just Packed [ edit ]

Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Calvin: Right. We should take pride in our mediocrity. Hobbes: Remind me to invest overseas. p23 (11 Feb 92)

Calvin: Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to. p25 (13 Feb 92)

Calvin: [as Spaceman Spiff] Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! p50 (29 Mar 92)

Calvin: Do you believe in the Devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help. Calvin: You just can't talk to animals about these things. p54 (06 Apr 92)

Hobbes: I don't know which is worse...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. p56 (08 Apr 92)

Susie: The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing. p64 (23 Apr 92)

Calvin: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. Calvin: (after a long pause) I can't tell if that's funny or really scary. p64 (19 Apr 92)

Calvin: Paul Gauguin asked, "whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Calvin departs, and his mother is thinking to herself what was said Calvin immediately returns Calvin: Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway? p69 (01 May 92)

Calvin: Our country was founded a long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C. Miss Wormwood: 200 B.C.?! Calvin: "Before Calvin." [Later, wearing a dunce cap] THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT! (16 May 92)

Calvin: When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. Hobbes: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin: It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them. p78 (18 May 92)

Calvin: The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! p79 (17 May 92)

Calvin: You call this news?! This isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for. p96 (19 Jun 92)

Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? Calvin: The Horrendous Space KABLOOIE! Hobbes: Hmmm... that IS better. Calvin: Almost ANYTHING would be. p101 (21 Jun 92)

Outside. Calvin has just seen a cloud shaped like his head sticking its tongue out at him. Calvin: Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen. p106 (06 Jul 92)

Calvin: Childhood is for spoiling adulthood. p107 (08 Jul 92)

Hobbes: Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. p107 (07 Jul 92)

Calvin: [I pray for] The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. p137 (28 Aug 92)

Calvin: Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. p154

Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat [ edit ]

Calvin: If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles. p5

Calvin: Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! p36

Calvin: I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Hobbes: Is it a right to remain ignorant? Calvin: I don't know, but I refuse to find out! p41

Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. p42

Calvin: Verbing weirds language. p.53

Calvin: If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. p55

[Calvin and Susie are playing "House." Every panel of the strip until the last one is drawn depicting Calvin and Susie as adults.] Adult Susie: Mmmm. This dinner you fixed is delicious, honey. What is it? Adult Calvin: It's dog food. And don't call me "honey." Adult Susie: You can't feed me DOG food! I'm the President of the United States! Adult Calvin: No, you're the president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous! Give me a break! Adult Susie: You're just mad because you're the "First Husband" and you have to vacuum the White House all day! Adult Calvin: I AM NOT! As a matter of fact, I'm not your husband at all! [begins taking off his clothes] Adult Susie: What are you doing?! Stop being such a little weirdo! Adult Calvin: Me WONGA-TAA! King of Jungle! Adult Susie: Oh, nice underpants! You're really gross. Adult Calvin: Me off to jungle! Find tiger friend! Live with animals! Adult Susie: I can run the country better without you! Good riddance, you moron! Adult Calvin: It take one to know one! Calvin: [to Hobbes, still stripped down to his briefs] Boy, am I glad to see you. Playing with Susie is a big waste of time. You wouldn't believe the junk she can imagine. Hobbes: Nice underpants. Calvin's Mom: [on phone] What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie?? p.56

Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes." Calvin: Academia, here I come! p62

Calvin: Reality continues to ruin my life. p67

Hobbes: I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes. p.78

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! (next panel)I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle. p.85

Calvin: Do you think babies are born sinful, that they come into the world as sinners? Hobbes: No, I think they're just quick studies. Calvin: Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted. p.90

Hobbes: There's more to this world than just people, you know. p105

Calvin's Dad: Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon! p.106

Calvin: You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it. p109

Calvin's Dad: Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Calvin: Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? Calvin's Dad: You've been watching athletic shoes ads again, haven't you? p.110

Calvin: Do you believe in evolution? Hobbes: No. Calvin: You don't believe humans evolved from monkeys? Hobbes: I sure don't see any difference. [Calvin angrily chases him] Woo hoo hoo! p.114

Calvin: I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right. Do I have career options or what? Hobbes: I think I need to start hanging around with other animals. p.122

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. [In the corner with a dunce cap] For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book. p125

Calvin: Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine,

oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design!

Such beauty and grace wild nature produces...

[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck out that bug's juices! p140

Calvin: Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in...But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. p.140

Calvin: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life. p142

Calvin: From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in. p145

Calvin: What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up? p146

(After Calvin hits a baseball and breaks a house window, walks up to Susie)

Calvin: Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring my doorbell, hold the bat, and yell HA! HA! Susie: Why is that worth ten cents to you? p.150

Calvin: History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. p152

Calvin: These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game! Hobbes: Who'd have guessed Big Brother would go commercial? Calvin: I love to snicker at other people's tragedy. p.156

Calvin: Dad, what causes wind? Calvin's dad: Trees sneezing. Calvin: Really?? Calvin's dad: No, but the truth is more complicated.

(june 15, 1993)

There's Treasure Everywhere [ edit ]

Calvin: Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail...or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed? On the one hand, undeserved success gives no satisfaction...but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. Then again, that doesn't justify my cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. But then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. Then again, maybe that's why the world is such a mess. What a dilemma! Hobbes: So what did you decide? Calvin: Nothing. I ran out of time and I had to turn in a blank paper. Hobbes: Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Calvin: Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test. p. 12

Calvin: Look, a dead bird! Hobbes: It must've hit a window. Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. Hobbes: No doubt. p16

Calvin: I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family. p18

Susie: Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having. p25

Hobbes: So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? p29

[Calvin is posing in his underwear in front of his mirror.] Calvin: Made in God's own image, yes sir! Hobbes: God must have a goofy sense of humor. p31

[Calvin is outside, looking up at the stars.] Calvin: I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck. p30

Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! p34

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers. p.62

Calvin: Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. Hobbes: I'll see you in your room momentarily. p78

Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said! Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self aware. Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves! p.83

Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. p.90

Calvin: I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge. p.91

Calvin: [to Moe, the bully] Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity. Moe: ...What? Calvin: [handing over his milk money] Here. That was worth 25 cents. p.91

Calvin's Dad: Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can't remember what I just got up to do? p93

Calvin: Trifle not with tired tigers. p106

Calvin: This piece of pie is awfully darn small! Calvin's Mom: Life could be a lot worse, Calvin. Calvin: Life could be a lot better too! … But worse is more likely. p121

Calvin: My internal clock is on Tokyo time. p.129

Calvin: I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is... Susie: You're not great! You're the most conceited blowhard I've ever met! Calvin: When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging. p.130

Hobbes: Virtual reality is already here. p132

Calvin: (writing, after being asked to explain Newton's First Law of Motion "in his own words") Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. (speaking) I love loopholes. p133

Calvin: I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialog! Hobbes: It would seem you were born for the job. Calvin: Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old! p.138

Calvin: [sighs] I wish I could go to the moon. Calvin's Dad: I wish you could too. Calvin's Mom: Dear. p.140

Calvin: Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it! p142

Calvin: One of my baby teeth came out! I have to say, I'm not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head. p149

Calvin: My brain always rejects attitude transplants. p158

Calvin: Look at how people are portrayed in the comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews, and bimbos! And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insidious social programming is this?? No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies! Calvin's Dad: Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin: And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats! p.158

Calvin: Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars! Calvin's Mom: Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting. Calvin: I see. Dad: Nicely put, dear. p.166

Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we speak?. Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice. p.171

It's a Magical World [ edit ]

Calvin: I hate all this wind! Boy, this is unpleasant! Stupid, miserable wind! What lousy weather! What an awful day! Hobbes: Well if you can't change it, what's the point in griping about it? Calvin: I'm not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me. p20

Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. p33

Calvin: I'm a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything new is good by definition! It can shock, insult, or offend me, so long as it doesn't bore me! If you can't give me something new, then repackage the old so it looks new! Novelty is all that matters! I won't pay attention if it's not fresh and different! Hobbes: I see why timeless truth doesn't sell. Calvin: Give me a good flash in the pan any day. p38

Calvin: I'd hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point. p39

Hobbes: If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some! Calvin: Now yer talkin'! p45

Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance. Hobbes: You misspelled Weltanschauung. p68 (July 15, 1995)

Calvin: Shock and titillate me! I've got money! p74

Susie: Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning? p97

Calvin: To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible. p113

Calvin: Trick or treat! Adult: Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be? Calvin: I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak. [Next panel, walking away eating candy] Am I scary, or what? p130

Calvin: It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy...Let's go exploring! Last line of the final Calvin and Hobbes strip

The Essential Calvin and Hobbes [ edit ]

Calvin: Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination. p26

Calvin: (Talking on a pay phone) Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? p29

Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace? Calvin: Too few role models. p72

Hobbes: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Calvin: Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right? p75

Calvin's Dad: The world isn't fair, Calvin. Calvin: I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor? p82

Calvin: There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse! p100

Calvin: I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal. p152

Calvin: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom? Calvin's Mom: We do not own any. Calvin walks away disappointed Calvin{talking to himself}: Then how am I ever supposed to learn how to juggle? p212

Calvin: I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. Hobbes: I think if you're born, it's too late. p227

The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes [ edit ]

Calvin: Do you have any money? Hobbes: No. Calvin: How can we get some? Who do you know that we could sue? p29

Calvin: Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. p35

Hobbes: You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human. p39

Calvin: Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what. p71

Calvin: Hey Susie, what's the answer to Question 7? Susie Derkins: Imadoofus. Calvin: Thanks. (Calvin realizes Susie has tricked him) Calvin: The Tooth Fairy's gonna make you rich tonight, Susie. p76

Calvin: I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple. p86

Hobbes: If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. p87

Calvin: But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice! p99

Hobbes: I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already. p111

Susie: Haven't you even been paying attention? What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Calvin: Says you! I heard that some kids don't do well in school because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Susie: {sarcastically} Oh, right. You're too smart. Calvin: Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse! p121

Looking at the macabre snowmen scenery made by Calvin

Calvin's Dad: I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist. p136

Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions. p152

Calvin: That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse. p190

Calvin: I'd hate to have a kid like me. p203

Calvin: There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. p213

Hobbes: Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger. p214

Calvin: Why am I standing out here in the cold pouring rain to take me somewhere I don't even want to go. I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. p235

The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes [ edit ]

Calvin: As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. p25

Calvin: Childhood is short and maturity is forever. p33

Calvin: I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! [pause] Well, no I don't. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead. p.56

Calvin: I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. p77

Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. p77

Calvin: True friends are hard to come by...I need more money. p86

Calvin and Hobbes are in wagon Calvin: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? Calvin crashes wagon; Hobbes recovers from dizziness Hobbes: I think my life is too scatterbrained as is. Calvin: Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television? p94

Calvin: I am inventing a robot who will make my bed. First I need to draft blueprints, then I need to get the materials. Hobbes: Wouldn't inventing a robot be more work than making a bed? Calvin: It's only work if somebody makes you do it. p126

Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. p157

Calvin: But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have so much brains! p182

[Calvin has created several duplicates of himself.] Calvin: The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the things I'm getting blamed for. p188

Hobbes: Live and don't learn, that's us. p190

Calvin: This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this. p207

Calvin: [as Stupendous Man] Yahh! Freedom and justice shall always prevail over tyranny, babysitter girl! p218

Calvin: Every time I've built character, I've regretted it. p225

The only part I understand is what went into the creation of the strip. What readers take away from it is up to them. Once the strip is published, readers bring their own experiences to it, and the work takes on a life of its own. Everyone responds differently to different parts. I just tried to write honestly, and I tried to make this little world fun to look at, so people would take the time to read it. That was the full extent of my concern. You mix a bunch of ingredients, and once in a great while, chemistry happens. I can't explain why the strip caught on the way it did, and I don't think I could ever duplicate it. A lot of things have to go right all at once.

It's always better to leave the party early. If I had rolled along with the strip's popularity and repeated myself for another five, 10 or 20 years, the people now "grieving" for "Calvin and Hobbes" would be wishing me dead and cursing newspapers for running tedious, ancient strips like mine instead of acquiring fresher, livelier talent. And I'd be agreeing with them.

Ah, the life of a newspaper cartoonist -- how I miss the groupies, drugs and trashed hotel rooms!