This past Saturday, a friend and I hit the Wired NextFest down at Chicago's Navy Pier. The event promised visitors that they could "experience the future," and as a tech writer I couldn't pass that opportunity up. I kind of wish I had, though, because after spending a few hours at the NextFest I'm sad to report that the future ain't what it used to be. Maybe I was expecting to relive my first visit to Epcot Center as a child, or maybe I'm just jaded in my old age. Whatever the cause, my trip to the future was more educational than inspirational. Here are ten things I learned about the future at the Wired NextFest, in no particular order.

1. The people of the future are a scantily clad people. They delight in showing off their naked, tattooed flesh. Or, maybe that's just the people of Chicago's Navy Pier in the summer.

2. In the future, the airport security checkpoint will look and function exactly the same way as does now, except that the scanning technology that powers it will be different. For instance, at the GE-manufactured checkpoint that I saw, the machine supposedly sniffs you for bomb residue.

Interestingly enough, there was a long line of people waiting to go through that checkpoint and be checked for bomb residue, which is something that just baffled me. I mean, don't people dread going through the checkpoint at airport security? Why voluntarily stand in line in order to pass through an airport security scanner if you don't have to? It's not like the machine did anything other than flash a little green light saying you were free of bomb residue. Truly, the long line of people who just couldn't wait to go through that security checkpoint was probably the most bizarre thing that I saw at the entire NextFest. I wonder if it was a kind of programmed reaction like, "oh look, a security checkpoint. I'd better get in that line and go through it. Everybody else is." If that's the way we've all been conditioned, then I fear for the future of the Republic.

3. The elderly Japanese people of the future will be so desperately lonely for companionship that they'll purchase slightly creepy android replicas of the drug-addled but brilliant sci-fi author Phillip K. Dick. Why the Japanese, and why Phillip K. Dick? It's a long story, and I'm not sure I fully understood it all when the android's makers explained it to me. I think I probably read the wrong books growing up as a kid, or maybe I now watch the wrong TV shows.

I tried to convince the PKD android guys that if they were going to be in the business of making robotic replicas of famous, drugged-out writers, they should also consider offering a Hunter S. Thompson model. That way, at least the Japanese would have a choice of companions. I know if I were Japanese, I'd collect both models and watch them fight over a half gram of mescaline.

On a more serious note, I think the PKD robot would've been a lot cooler and significantly less creepy if they'd have glued his hair on, instead of leaving the wires in the top of his head exposed. But hey, PKD was an odd guy, and maybe he would've wanted it that way.

4. Speaking of the elderly, the senior citizens of the future won't roll around in wheelchairsnot even cool robotic wheelchairs like those invented by Dean Kamen. Instead, they'll have robotic exoskeletons that will make them much stronger and faster than the non-elderly. So in addition to being the largest voting block in future elections, they'll also have superhuman strength and speed. If I were a politician, I'd make sure that the elderly of the future get great healthcare coverage, and I wouldn't even think about doing anything to reduce their social security benefits. You do not want to incur the wrath of our robotically enhanced, geriatric overlords (or their Phillip K. Dick android companions).

5. In the future, most robots will look pretty much like the robots of the future have looked since at least the 1970's. About the only difference is that any antennae attached to a 1970's future robot were spiral shaped and had a tiny ball on the tip. The current thinking is that future robots will have straight antennae with no ball, and maybe a plastic coating instead of just bare wire.

6. Apple's market share doesn't change much in the future. Out of all the computers I saw at the NextFest, only one was a Mac. Sorry Steve, but the people of the future are still using Windows. At least you can gloat that they're all still running Windows 2000. From what I saw, Windows XP never really catches on in the future, and Longhorn is nowhere to be seen at all. I did see a flying car though, and maybe it was running the embedded version of Longhorn.

7. On the weekends, the people of the future will take to the water in dolphin-shaped craft that don't look nearly as much fun to drive as a Seadoo of today. Hey, the future isn't always better than the present. Sometimes we have to settle for less. The good news is that the robotic dolphin is too small to accommodate a human who's equipped with an exoskeleton, which means that if you're being pursued by a senior citizen then you can use the dolphin to escape.

8. Dolphin watercraft aren't the only form of future transportation that's a bit cramped. The electrically powered cars of the future will be quite small. In fact, when I first laid eyes on the tiny DaimlerChrysler two-seaters that GE was exhibiting, I asked the exhibitor if the cars were perhaps meant to be attached to the sides of a larger SUV, in case you run out of gas.

9. Future entertainment will follow the trends that were established with the rise of disco. First, they replaced the live band with a DJ. Next, they'll replace the DJ with a large, floor-mounted robotic arm. Also, the robo-DJs will have numbers instead of names; I asked the exhibitor lady about this. Honestly, it's not even as cool as it sounds. It's also not one of those "you had to be there" things, because I was there and, meh. Vinyl aficionados can rejoice, though, because vinyl records are still around.

10. In a future 9/11-style scenario, where the top of a high-rise building is on fire, a Moller Aircar will rescue the building's inhabitants one at a time. At least, that's how it will be if Moller's combination CGI and live action promotional video is to be believed. I guess future high-rises will house only a handful of highly productive office workers, because you can't save that many people in a two-seater aircar. Or, it may be the case that in the video I saw, only the CEO was saved. The rest of the employees were either burned alive or, more likely, were safe at their desks in Bangladesh.