Not long ago, I chronicled every instance of chili dogs appearing throughout the various continuities of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise. In sifting through the nine different chili dog entries on the Sonic Wiki, I stumbled upon an official Sonic the Hedgehog chili dog recipe that was featured in the first official issue of Archie’s Sonic comic book series. My initial reaction was confusion, since this was early days in the association between Sonic and the dish — hitting fans with a recipe at this point seemed a little premature.

However, those thoughts were quickly replaced by a desperate, overwhelming urge to make Sonic’s saucy dogs at home. So I did exactly that. Please enjoy my further descent into Hedgehog Madness as I walk you through how to make official Sonic the Hedgehog chili dogs.

Step 1: Prep Work

The first step to making yourself some scrumptious Sonic chili dogs is to wear the proper attire (see Figure A below). No, not an apron — that would cover up the Sonic shirt, which is a necessity. It produces chill vibes and a cool attitude, vital ingredients for any Sonic-related food. Additionally, do not forget to turn your hat precisely 180 degrees for maximum radness (if you are wearing a Sonic-themed hat, you may skip this step). The second step is to choose the proper music for cooking. The Sonic Adventure soundtrack will do, as its sequel’s — or simply put Crush 40 on shuffle.

Now onto your chili ingredients. The recipe calls for half a cup of chopped mushrooms, peppers and onions. Clean and place these ingredients onto a chopping board, quickly realize you’ve never actually cooked anything in your life, then promptly ask your girlfriend to help you cut them — this will ensure the chili is free of skin, blood and possibly tears. Don’t forget to heat your pot (with your choice of oil inside) far too early, take it off for a few minutes, then reheat it when your ingredients are actually chopped and ready to cook.

Step 2: Make the Chili

Once your ingredients are ready, place them all into your pot and begin browning. Once the basic ingredients are cooked, you can add your crushed (preferably by Knuckles’ fists) tomatoes.

Throw in some Worcestershire sauce and a whole lot of barbecue sauce, then mix it all together until it starts to actually look like chili. After that, let it simmer for thirty minutes as you write your niche article about making food based on a video game. While simmering, check to make sure it’s not overheating, then panic after realizing you left the stove on too high before adjusting the heat, stirring the chili and almost burning yourself several times on the pot lid.

After simmering for a half hour, it’s time to add your spices. First, a teaspoon of chili powder — simple, easy, no problems at all. Next, add a teaspoon of cumin — make sure it’s a brand new container, so you can struggle with the lid and in the process knock its contents, as well as the chili powder, all over the kitchen counter. After cleaning up, put in a teaspoon of oregano before adding a large can of red kidney beans. At this point, you should taste test your chili to find that a recipe from the back pages of a 26-year-old comic is, as one might expect, not actually that great. Thus, you may season to your own taste and spice preferences.

Simmer again for another hour before remembering that you have to get to the bank before it closes. Promptly turn off the stove, do your business, then come back and continue heating until ready.

Step 3: Chili Those Dogs

The official Sonic chili dog recipe calls for cooking the hot dogs in the sauce for 15 minutes, but at this point, my commitment to perfectly following the recipe had wavered significantly, and also I didn’t feel like doing it. So, instead, boil your hot dogs until the kitchen smells as much like hot dogs as it does chili (5 minutes?), toasting the buns for the last two minutes. Once everything is finished, turn off the stove, bun your wieners, lather on a healthy layer of chili, and sprinkle some shredded cheese on top. You’ll have a lot of leftover chili, so you can make chili dogs for many days to come. Soon you’ll be as addicted to them as Sonic is!

Step 4: Enjoy

Now your chili dogs are finished and ready to eat — but wait! Don’t dig in quite yet, there are still a few more steps to get the full experience. First, throw some rings onto your plate (Funyuns, they’re just Funyuns), then make a second plate of dogs and rings as an offering to our lord and savior, Sonic T. Hedgehog.

Be sure to light the candles and say a prayer in the name of his speed, his coolness, and his attitude in order to ensure a bountiful bean harvest. Once the offering ceremony is complete, you are now free to enjoy your own chili dogs.

As chili dogs are a hefty meal, feel free to pour yourself a glass of Sonic-blue soda (or Sonic Energy Drink, if available) to wash it down. Finally, don’t forget to have someone film your reaction before digging in — Bon Appétit!

Chili Dog a la Sonic Recipe

Recipe modified by Sean Aitchison

Ingredients

1 pound ground beef

1/2 cup white onion (chopped)

1/2 cup bell pepper (chopped)

1/2 white button mushrooms (chopped)

1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

1 15-ounce can of crushed tomatoes

8 ounces of barbecue sauce (your choice)

1 tsp chili powder

1 tsp cumin powder

1 tsp dried oregano

1 15-ounce can of red kidney beans (drained)

Hot dogs

Hot dog buns

Cheese for melting (optional)

Directions

Brown ground beef in a large pan. When it begins to brown, add the onions, peppers, and mushrooms. Cook until onions become slightly translucent and the peppers and mushrooms brown. Add Worcestershire, tomatoes, and barbecue sauce. Simmer for 30 minutes. Add chili powder, cumin, oregano, and drained beans. Simmer for another hour. Boil the hot dogs for 5 minutes in a separate pot and toast your hot dog buns for two minutes.* Put hot dogs in the buns and pour chili on top. Add cheese as desired.

*Sean chose to boil the hot dogs separately, where the original recipe called for heating the hot dogs in the chili itself for 15 minutes. Heating the hot dogs in the chili will give the entire construction more of a homogenous flavor, but cooking the hot dogs separately will allow more flavors to come through. The choice is yours. If you really, really love the chili, put those bad boys in the sauce.