Roy Keane has sensationally walked out of the Republic of Ireland’s training headquarters in Versailles. Assistant Manager Keane recently slammed the Irish squad after a poor final warm-up game against Belarus, and has reportedly been unhappy with preparations.

McGeady

“The usual nonsense,” Keane told Soccer on Sunday. “Players not tuned in, thinking we’re here for a jolly. I burst into Aidan McGeady’s bedroom this morning to tell him he’s shite. I was looking for a strong reaction, but the lad burst into tears. ‘Please Roy, not again, I can’t take it any more‘. Usual. Not strong enough. Mentally, afraid of that next step.”

“And the facilities are a joke,” added the Corkman. “I went out at 3 am this morning with a hacksaw and had the goalposts down in 45 minutes flat. Shoddy craftsmanship. A bit of petrol, and the bibs went up like a bonfire too. Not even flame-retardant. Now we’ve no goalposts and no gear. Typical FAI.”

Stool

With Keane gone, several members of the squad admit to feeling relieved.

“Roy frightens me,” James McCarthy told Soccer on Sunday. “He asked me how I was feeling yesterday, and when I said I found a bit of blood in my stool, he lost it. ‘It’s a man’s game’, he roared at me. ‘Your poo should be redder than Alex Ferguson’s nose’. Then he told me I was turning into a right little McGeady, which was horrible for Aidan because he was standing a few feet away with his parents.”

“He also kept screaming that I’m just like my ould’ fella,” the Everton midfielder added. “I think he thinks I’m Mick McCarthy’s son. It would explain why he always asks after my dad, and seems disappointed when I say he’s doing well.”

O’Neill

Ireland manager Martin O’Neill is disappointed, but not surprised to have lost Keane.

“Roy is Roy,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “It was always likely to end this way. Do I wish he hadn’t walked out? Yes. Do I wish he hadn’t sliced all of our footballs in two, and cut the nipples out of every match-day jersey? Absolutely. But the show goes on.”