I received an envelope Saturday--but I am not allowed to open it! It says:

"There are 12 days of Christmas . . . Do not open until 12/25 Christmas Day

1"

Intriguing! OK, Santa, I am following your instructions. The picture above is proof that the envelope is still sealed; it will stay that way until Christmas. To entertain myself in the meantime, I have conducted a thorough analysis of your handwriting and concluded that... you own a green pen. (Or borrowed one.)

UPDATE #1 OH, MAN! There were FIVE PACKAGES sitting at my door when I got home today--and I'm not allowed to open any of them yet, either! As with the original letter, the packages are all numbered and marked with the date I am allowed to open them--e.g. "#8 of 12, open on Jan. 1."

In other words, it looks I am getting 12 packages, one to open every day for the 12 days of Christmas! There is even a package (#4, to be opened on Dec. 28) addressed to Pancake, my dog! http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/how-found-out-my-dog-can-read-1/

(Sorry, I am super excited, hence my exclamation-pointing the shit out of this description.)

Anyway, the suspense might kill me, but I have dutifully stowed all of the packages in a safe spot (an IKEA table I shall now refer to as "The Sant-uary"), where they will wait to be opened on the appointed dates.

UPDATE: Day 1/Dec. 25 I got to open my envelope today! It had a card from Santa telling me that I get to celebrate all 12 days of Christmas this year. That means my Christmas lasts until January 5!

DAY TWO/Dec. 26 Today it was time to really get down to business and open the first of the packages. Inside my first box, I found some candy and . . . A SEVERED HEAD! http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/two-turtle-doves/

In other words, as the note says, "two turtle doves." I have been known to appreciate a good visual pun in my day, and I have definitely been known to enjoy candy. In fact, I just ate one of the Doves. As you may know, Dove chocolates have messages printed on their wrappers. This one read: "A helping hand is sometimes the best present of all." Clearly whoever wrote this has never received a severed head on the second day of Christmas.

DAY THREE/Dec. 27 After yesterday's turtle doves, I was expecting today's gift to be some crazy variation on three French hens--so I was surprised when I opened my package and these bad boys fell out: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/bacon-floss-and-tooth-socks/

A pair of (awesome) socks with teeth and toothbrushes, and a container of bacon-flavored dental floss. RAD. There was also an envelope with the following quote written on the outside: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/quote-1/ Yes, those are my own words, which Santa found on my blog. A very nice choice for tying in the porcine and foot-related elements of this gift.

Anyway, I opened the card and learned that today is actually my Santa's birthday! Happy birthday, Santa!!! I hope you got something awesome today. I did!

DAY FOUR/Dec. 28 Today was my dog's turn! Pancake finally got to open the package addressed to him. He got right to reading the card: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/pancake-reads-his-card/

Then he surveyed his loot: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/panny-and-his-new-stuff/

He got a little stocking to hang and a big, delicious-looking bone treat from a dog bakery in Boston. It honestly looks good enough for a person to eat!

. . . I promise I will not eat the dog cookie.

DAY FIVE/Dec. 29 On the fifth day of Christmas, my Santa gave to me . . . five months of Reddit Gold! Thanks, Santa!!

DAY SIX/Dec. 30 I really like Triscuits. I like them so much that when my sixth package came in the mail, the first thing I said to myself was, "This box is exactly the size of a Triscuit box!" So I laughed out loud when I unwrapped the package and saw that it was indeed a Triscuit box, adorned with sixes and other festive annotations in honor of the sixth day of Christmas. Santa even blocked out all the non-sixes in the Triscuit customer service phone number! http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/triscuit-box-montage/ But what was in the box? NOT Triscuits! It was a mini Connect 4 game instead! Pretty sneaky, sis! http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/contents-box-1/

DAY SEVEN/Dec. 31 Hahahaha. Oh, Santa, I think you and I should be friends. Now I understand the message that accompanied my Reddit Gold subscription. Yes, this box was indeed already in my possession (albeit still wrapped--I swearrr I didn't peek!) when I made that Se7en reference on Day 2: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/box-exterior-day-se7en/

Inside the box were a seven-year pen and seven erasers (and yes, Gwyneth Paltrow's head). http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/head-pen-erasers/

This was my favorite present yet. Santa, thank you for doing such a fun and clever job with these presents so far. I hope you have noticed all the Reddit Gift awards at the top of the page! You have earned them!

DAY EIGHT/Jan. 1 The theme of this present was eights, so I got some fun Chanukah stuff in recognition of everyone's favorite eight-night holiday. (Yes, I received a Chanukah fun pack on the eighth day of Christmas, which was also New Year's Day. It was a triple holiday super-celebration!) http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/8-pack/

Also included were a deck of miniature playing cards, perhaps to play some Crazy Eights with? Santa also included some miniature markers and a suggestion in the accompanying card to use them to "make placemats, like when you were 8." I think this is a reference to a blog post I did on Thanksgiving, in which I uploaded pictures of some rad placemats my siblings and I made in 1991, when I was indeed 8. Santa, your research abilities continue to impress. They are at least on par with my mom's ability to stockpile random things from my childhood.

DAY NINE/Jan. 2 Yesterday my Santa messaged me from an alternate account and told me to open my eleventh present today, because the ninth seems to have gotten lost in the mail. I hate to think that one of my Santa's creations is in a black hole somewhere; I instead choose to believe that somewhere there is a postal employee who is joyfully playing with whatever the nine-themed equivalent of Gwyneth Paltrow's head is.

Usually when I open packages from my Santa, I look at all the stuff and try to figure out the theme or connection before I read the card. Today when I opened this box (which had been mailed from Louisiana, as opposed to all the others, which were from Massachusetts) I saw the following things, and it was the first time I had absolutely no clue whatsoever what the unifying thread could possibly be: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/louisiana-garage-in-a-box/

I didn't know what any of these random things had to do with the number 11, but the card connected the dots for me! These items are from Santa's friend's mother's "overflowing garage of mystery." Santa wrote, "On this, the eleventh day of Christmas, your Secret Santa giveth to you 11 items from the home of a hoarder."

Santa also explained that this gift came together after a different gift idea fell through, but I kind of like the idea of receiving a garage capsule from a complete stranger. Plus, how often do I get to use the phrase "Santa's friend's mother's garage?" Not often enough!

DAY TEN/Jan 3. On the 10th day of Christmas, my Santa gave to me: a TEN dollar gift certificate to spend at Cosi, where I eat just about every Tuesday! More meticulous research by Santa (source: http://lmnop.blogs.com/lauren/2010/11/uniform.html).

DAY ELEVEN/Jan. 4 I had already opened #11 on Monday, per Santa's instructions. But Santa sent a replacement nine for me to open today: BOOOOOOOOOOOOKS! http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/nine-books/

I am very excited to read these books, which my Santa has owned, read, and now passed on to me. A lot of these are were on my list of things to read, and a few others are books I'd not heard of that look great. I am very excited to have so much new reading material. I wish I had captured my own reaction to opening this present. Basically, it was the opposite of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sv4Hpz-GI3g (Except, same outfit.)

DAY TWELVE/Jan. 5 Today was my final day of Christmas, and Santa did not disappoint. I received a box of 12 awesome items, each one with its own clever significance. I have described everything in detail on the picture page: http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/final-glorious-gift/

One gift in particular caught my eye: a curious little jar bearing the label of "Wiggly Mayonnaise." If you know what that means, then you know who my Santa is. http://redditgifts.com/gallery/gift/wiggly-mayonnaise/

Yes, Virginia, there is a Grandpa Wiggly. Kind of.

Seriously though, Santa Wiggly did an amazing job setting up my 12 Days of Christmas, and I was blown away by how well the gifts suited me. I had so much fun with this. And there's one more little bonus, as Santa mentioned in my final card. I now have the shortest wait till next Christmas. Only 353 days to go!