On Monday I’ll have been sober for a year. But this time last year, I wanted to kill myself.

I couldn’t go on any more. I just couldn’t see a way out. I had the tablets in my hand. I didn’t take enough to do anything but I had them there. With vodka. It was scary.

It was only because of the kids really, and my wife, and a little bit of consciousness, that I didn’t.

Fear probably as well. I was scared to do it. When you’re in that place, you don’t see how it’s ever going to pass. But I have the tools now. If I get into a real down situation, I know it will pass.

So when I see this weekend’s FA Cup games kicking off a minute later to raise awareness for mental health I will remember that time when things got dark and think: ‘Thank god that’s not how I feel any more.’

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I’m telling you this because I hope it helps someone. If even one person reads this and it helps them, then it will be worth it.

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I don’t want to kill myself any more. I don’t have those thoughts. I’m not carrying the world on my shoulders. Walking around with guilt.

I’m not beating myself up, drinking and gambling all the time and asking why I’m doing this to myself.

It’s only now I know. I have an illness. I have a mental illness. I’ve accepted that now. Before, I used to beat myself up all the time.

But the more you talk about it, the more it takes the power out of it. I ring people up and tell them if I don’t feel good. Before, I sat indoors, pulled the curtains, and I’d watch the phone ring.

I would literally watch people ringing me trying to help me, but I wouldn’t take the calls. It’s the worst place to be, having that fear that it’s never going to get better. You have to talk.

I sat down with my two bosses at Sky, Barney Francis and Gary Hughes, and they were a massive help. They would always ring to see how I was.

I had done the Harry’s Heroes TV series and everyone had seen me break down. But I’d got myself into a better place – and then the madness carried on.

(Image: ITV)

That’s where the frustration came in. I had just seen myself on TV breaking down. Why was I still drinking and gambling? It’s because I was ill.

One night I seriously thought about ending it all. I was on my own, which is not the best place when you’re down. Isolating yourself, that’s where the illness wants you.

It doesn’t want you around people. But a few days after I was in that dark place, I stopped. Completely. I stopped drinking on January the 6. I had had enough.

And for the first time ever, it was my steps. Not the PFA. Not Arsenal. Not Walsall. It was me. Paul Merson had had enough. No-one else had to tell me I needed treatment.

I remember walking home from the pub and thinking: ‘I don’t want to be like this any more. I’ve got a family.’ I went to Alcoholics Anonymous the next day.

(Image: ITV/REX/Shutterstock)