Fatphobia is internalised to my core and it’s taking so long to unpick (Picture: Mel Ciavucco)

It’s impossible to escape the memes on social media about people putting on weight while in coronavirus lockdown.

The problematic before and after pictures, the ‘jokes’ about binge eating and all of the Insta posts telling us how to stay in shape during lockdown.

I think of myself as a body positive activist but I’ll admit I felt a twinge of panic too, when we were told to self isolate. Would I balloon up to the size of my lounge?

Fatphobia is internalised to my core and it’s taking so long to unpick, I didn’t even know if my fears were really about putting on weight or�?something deeper.

I remember when I was first told my body wasn’t normal. The school nurse weighed me and it turned out that I was in the ‘overweight’ range of the BMI chart – a document created in the 1830s by a mathematician who never intended it to be a measurement of health, by the way.



She told me I should ‘try some exercise’. I was already doing dance classes, walking to and from school, games and PE, plus step-aerobics and Mr Motivator (it was the 90s, hey).

When I told the nurse all of this, she looked me up and down in disbelief.�?

Throughout my childhood, nearly every woman I knew was on a diet, yet every man could eat whatever he wanted. I thought fat was the worst thing I could possibly be.

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All the pretty people on TV were thin. If I wanted a boyfriend I’d have to be thin. If I wanted to be happy I’d have to be thin. I never questioned this because I never knew any other way. It was normal.

It was years later when I discovered the body positivity movement.

I started working for an eating disorder organisation and learnt about our complex relationships with food, as well as obsessions with not getting fat.

The whole world is terrified of fatness, it’s why the diet industry is worth billions of pounds – an industry that has grown whilst, ironically, the ‘obesity crisis’ grows.

Diet fads are designed to fail so we stay fat while blaming ourselves and plumping up the wallets of the CEOs at the top.

Being healthy isn’t just about food and exercise, it’s about looking after your mental health and getting enough sleep (Picture: Mel Ciavucco)

Research shows that weight stigma causes low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, disordered eating and binge eating, as well as an avoidance of sports.



My PE and games lessons at school scared me off doing exercise for years. It was during the reign of gym knickers and short netball skirts – my worst nightmare. I was always picked last for teams and got teased for being slow in cross-country races.

But I’m aware that I also have what some call�?‘small fat’ privilege, meaning that I may not experience as many difficulties as larger people, such as fitting into plane seats and being able to find clothes that fit me in high street shops. People bigger than me may get laughed at, bullied or abused on a daily basis.�?

Being healthy isn’t just about food and exercise, it’s about looking after your mental health and getting enough sleep, too.

In the current lockdown situation, many of us have lost our usual routines. I usually walk up an annoyingly big hill to go to work. I eat at the same time on most days and go to regular yoga classes. All of that has now gone while we self isolate.

My thoughts sometimes run wild – what if I’ll never be able to get up the hill again? What if I eat all the food in my fridge in one go? What if I can’t fit into any of my clothes? Why can’t I stop eating Easter eggs? I start feeling fat and lazy and greedy. I wonder if anyone will ever find me attractive again if my belly swells even more, my arms wobble and my chins take over my face. I get scared of taking up even more space. Will people think I’ve let myself go?�?


Seeing the baking craze across social media, I can’t help but have an inner argument with myself: I want to bake but I’ll only eat it all. Baking is fun, but what about all the sugar?

Then I take a breath.

These are old thoughts from the past, the ones shrouded in diet culture and self-hatred. I don’t need these thoughts anymore, they’re not helpful.

Instead, I ask myself, what is this really about? And the answer is always fear. My routine has gone and I have no control over my life. It’s a fear of not coping through lockdown. It’s anxiety.

I realised the best thing I can do for myself right now is to focus on my mental health.

There are many ways to manage your mental health and I won’t patronise by suggesting ‘having a nice bath’ (unless that works for you, then go for it). But I’ve found journaling helps me recognise and process my emotions, and yoga helps keep me calm and grounded, because it’s been an important part of my body positive journey. It helped me focus on what my body can do instead of focussing on how it looks. I’ve found online yoga and dance classes to be great for my mental health.

I can’t dance well but that doesn’t matter, it’s so much fun (Picture: Mel Ciavucco)

I now do disco aerobics to make me smile, unlike back when I used to do it to punish my body. I can’t dance well but that doesn’t matter, it’s so much fun. I get dressed up in sequins, put on my mini disco ball and let loose.


I also gradually shifted from trying to change my weight to solve my problems, to dealing with the underlying anxiety issues. Counselling was a big part of this too.

During lockdown, we have an opportunity to reflect on what’s important to us. It shows the harmful effects of diet culture when, during a pandemic, we’re still scared about getting fat.

If you put on weight, it’s just your body adjusting to change. You don’t need to control it.

Trust your body, be kind to yourself and let it do its thing.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing claie.wilson@metro.co.uk

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