PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Scouring the leaderboard to find a name that looked familiar, a professional golfer playing at the U.S. Open Friday admitted that he can never remember if he’s Matt Kuchar or Brooks Koekpa. “I know I’ve won the U.S. Open, so there’s a good chance I’m Koekpa, but I know Brooks is a Nike guy, and it looks like I’m wearing Under Armour, so that can’t be right,” said pro-golfer Jordan Spieth, who decided he might have actually been thinking of Matt Kuchar or Martin Kaymer or Adam Scott when he was trying to remember himself. “For a second I was like, ‘Oh, yeah I’m Dustin Johnson,’ but then I remembered he has a beard so that’s not it. I can’t speak Italian, so I’m definitely not [Francisco] Molinari. I swear there are so many of us that I always get tripped up, although I suppose it doesn’t really matter that much.” At press time, Spieth concluded that he was Justin Thomas and headed back over to the fairway to resume playing with Jordan Spieth.

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