Movies like Noah and the upcoming Ridley Scott epic Exodus: Gods and Kings prove that Hollywood can talk about God while still at least trying to make sense. As anybody who has tuned into TBN at two in the morning can attest, that's not true of most indie Christian movies. Somehow these writers, producers, and directors all took a look at the same source material -- the Bible -- and thought the best way to advocate for Christ was through face-eating madness.

5 C Me Dance (2009): The Devil Tries to Stop a Ballerina From Brainwashing the Entire Planet

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Sheri is a promising ballet dancer, until the day she is diagnosed with a terminal blood disease. She understandably finds herself heading down a dark path, until God pulls her towards the light by having some dude almost rape her. Some folks get a burning bush or see Christ in the grain-whorls of a cracker, others get ...

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"See? I didn't rape you, so that makes me the good guy!"

But don't worry. Before things can go too far, God yells "Surprise!" and reveals the true purpose of this mental trauma. When Sheri touches her assailant and a few of the bystanders, she discovers that she has the power to turn people Christian. Like a Jehovah's Witness version of King Midas, Sheri converts everyone she comes into contact with. One errant sweep of her wrist, and the target is given a vision of the crucifixion, whereupon they magically accept Christ into their heart. This raises a lot of serious questions. For instance, does it work on animals? We suppose "isn't that robbing people of free will?" may be important, too ...

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Sheri then sets out on a modern-day crusade, forcing her religion on any random sucker who crosses her path, all while the devil tries to stop her. Is ... is the devil our protagonist in this film?

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"My stylist got a little carried away waxing my eyebrows. That doesn't make evil, per se."

This being a Christian flick, the devil of course fails, and eventually Sheri's power grows to the point where all she has to do is look at someone to convert them. At the end of the film, she goes on TV and, shortly before dying from her disease, turns everyone in America into Christians, because in the insane world of C Me Dance, people still watch television.