Hey. Throwaway account OBV because of the NDAs. I just got back from my fourth stay at Westworld. Booked two weeks, alone, on the gold package. Came out to $85,000 a day. That’s not counting the bullshit hidden fees: concierge, maintenance (give me a break), arbitration, etc. Total damage, after the smoke cleared: like $1.2-ish million. Totally worth it. TOTALLY FREAKING WORTH IT. My wife thinks I was at a meditation retreat. Anyway, AMA.

[↑] Can you talk about the various story lines and how they’re structured with regard t — just kidding, did you fuck robots?

LOL. Of course. Everyone does. I mean, that’s the main reason people go. All the questing and stuff — robbing stagecoaches, pillaging Indian villages, hunting down bandits — is fun, don’t get me wrong. But quests are not the PRIMARY reason why people go to WW. They may say that’s why, but they’re lying. I know people who went with their families (I do not recommend this), and even they come up with these elaborate excuses about going to "pan for gold" so they can slip away for an hour.

MOARRRRRRRRRRRRRR DEETS PLZZZZZZZZZZ

Well, this time I kept it pretty chill. Just regular orgies mostly. Some visits to Maeve’s saloon. Nothing super dark, nothing too crazy. Although, you know, anything goes.

What’s the craziest thing you witnessed or took part in?

This time? Well, obviously, I’m not going to say what I do for a living, but WW is a popular destination among top executives in my industry. And a lot of them are into some real barbaric stuff. Viking-type situations. Way out in the hills, I ran across this posse of execs, men and women, from a well-known software company. Recognized them immediately. They had been out there for a week and they had gone full-on Colonel Kurtz. Just savage. Like, they had necklaces made of fingers, hosts’ fingers. They had like a whole Indian village trudging behind their horses, hands bound, all daisy-chained together by their necks. One lady, a VP, all of sudden started going "brrringgg-brrrringgg. Oh, excuse me." She pulls this severed ear out her vest pocket and starts talking into it like a phone. Yes, dears. I’m having a wonderful time, thanks for asking. Don’t forget to do your homework, in this really sunny voice. She also did this bit where she was trying to order a pizza but the person on the other end only spoke Italian.

I’m not really into that kind of stuff. I’ve done my share of rancher’s daughter quests, don’t get me wrong. Not my thing, but with a lot of Rebus-based side-quests, you can’t avoid it. And the hosts really egg you on; if you wuss out they won’t let it go. First time in WW, Rebus took me up to this ranch at dusk, and we were shooting up the house, working over Old Man Abernathy and all that. Here comes Dolores riding up. Rebus starts going on about how I was a "yellow-necked flapdoodler" because I didn’t want to drag Dolores into the barn. So I emptied my six shooter into his face. Problem was, then I couldn’t complete my treasure-hunt quest because he had all the info. Total waste of two days. They need to figure out a workaround for situations like that.

FYI a "flapdoodle" is 1800s slang for a "sexually incompetent man."

I’m glad I shot him then haha.

What’s the food like?

Really bad. Gross. I always ride into the Mexican village on the south side of the park across the river because you can get beans and rice there, and it’s really fun to shoot that place up. In the rest of the park, in town, everything is steaks and sausages and pork chops and it all tastes super weird. All the meat in Westworld just tastes wrong. It’s like boiled rags. All the host robots — human and animal — are covered in meat that they grow in labs somewhere and I’m pretty sure that’s what they serve you in there. Never been able to get a straight answer about that, but what else could it be?

What did the posse do with the Indians?

Oh shit. This is an interesting story. WW security is obviously really tight. There are a lot of companies that work in the robotics and AI spaces that would like to reverse engineer WW’s tech. So, the execs, the reason they were there, and this is actually pretty common, was to cut up hosts to try and figure out how they work. That’s what they were doing. They dragged theses hosts into the hills and forced them to watch as they dissected them one by one. The hosts’ responses to finding out that they’re actually robots was pretty fascinating. They’d just get this far-away look and start twitching and shit. It’s pretty grisly to watch. WW is aware this goes on, but guests can’t bring anything in or out — phones, tablets, nothing. You don’t even bring clothes; they make everything there. So Delos isn’t super concerned about it, as far as I can tell. Their tech is obviously too complicated to steal that way.

Ever try to sneak something in?

I really thought about trying to smuggle in granola bars this last time.

How were you going to do it?

No comment

You can just not comment instead of writing "no comment."

Edit: Not sure why I’m getting downvoted but OK.

If the hosts look and act as real as everyone says, how does the park keep guests from accidentally murdering each other?

Ummmm, they don’t ????????

This is false. Westworld has not had a significant host failure resulting in human death or serious injury in over three decades. Additionally, while the safeguards that keep guests from injuring other guests cannot be disclosed in detail, rest assured they are robust. Any intimation that guests directly caused the deaths of, or otherwise injured other guests is libelous. Additionally, written discussions of Westworld are explicitly covered in your nondisclosure agreement, which you are in breach of.

Tell that to the Man in Black.

What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?

Me and buddy of mine are coming out of Maeve’s, shithouse drunk, in the middle of day — this is maybe my second visit to WW. We see this naked guy, in kind of a crouch, on a barrel, smack in the middle of main street, just jacking off like crazy. He’s like 30 feet away. I mean, and really working at it. One foot was, like, on its tippy-toe. And he was just pounding away. We figure: Wow, new story line. Finally. So my friend pulls out his Henry Repeating rifle, levels it, and bang bang bang bang. Nothing. The host didn’t even flinch, he’s still going at it. Hosts and guests, you know, who can tell, are gawking out of windows, stopped in the street, just watching the scene.

I’m like, "You’re drunk, you’re a terrible shot, blah blah blah." I pull out my six shooter, and bang bang bang bang bang bang, fanning the hammer and everything. Nothing. This is amazing. We walk around to get a look at this guy, and, guess what, it’s not a robot. It’s not a host. It’s a famous — like super famous — musician. Really famous dude, just abusing himself in the middle of town. That’s not the craziest thing I’ve seen, but it’s definitely the funniest.

I’m going. Someone loan me $85,000.

Same.

Where is Westworld?

I have no idea.

Disclosure: HBO is an initial investor in The Ringer.