Men, I’m here to bring you the latest story from the You Cannot Make This Shit Up Department.

After a nun, one Mary Turcotte, from a Christian Sect in Brooklyn, New York, reported to police that she had been the victim of a vicious sexual assault – by a black man, of course – she finds herself singing a different hymn – ahem, tune.

Police became a little suspicious when The Lying Nun claimed that she was attacked, choked into unconsciousness, and then dragged eight city blocks – in her habit – to the place she was raped, by a 6’ 4” 250 pound African American male.

Despite the top notch police work that detected some improbabilities in her story – not the least of which was a large black man dragging an unconscious nun in full cloth through that much city real estate without someone taking notice, they conducted a manhunt for the proposed perp. One might only speculate how long it would have taken them to find someone to arrest if some Johnny on the Spot detective had not managed to sleuth up the truth.

Details of her coming clean are not available, but I am speculating the conversation went something like this:

Police: Sister, I know this is difficult, but how many attackers were there?

Sister Mary: One.

Police: How many?

Sister Mary: Well, nun.

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

Not left up to satirical speculation, however, is the excuse that the wayward Sister gave police for fabricating the rape story. She was banging a bodega worker inside the sects convent and didn’t want anyone to find out.

It is one of the terrible triad of reasons that up to an estimated 45% of all rape allegations turn out to be fraudulent.

Those reasons are one, to cover up consensual sex, as was the case here. The other two are attention seeking and as a weapon for revenge.

The fact that this particular false rape story, in a culture that produces them as often as it does real ones, happened to involve a woman of the cloth is just an interesting twist. As we are finding out more and more frequently, women lie about being raped all the time. The last one in the news, as you might recall, was WABC weather girl Heidi Jones, also of New York. Her excuse was seeking attention, the second in the terrible triad.

But there is another plot turn in this story that one might speculate is piling another lie on top of too many already told.

Another woman at the convent who answered the door and briefly responded to questions asserted that the bodega boy boffing Bride O’ Christ made that story up too; that there was no sex, consensual or otherwise. The woman refused to identify herself.

Imagine that.

Ah, just a little more creativity with the facts and the convent remains pristine. Well, except for all that fucking and lying going on. Those interested in doing clean up after a mess like this have simply taken a play out of the False Rape accusation play book.

No atonement required. Not from the police, who of course are not pressing charges, and not from the “church” either.

Hail Mary, full of shit.