During freshman orientation, the most frequently asked question among the class of 2020 was, “what is a Buff?” The first part of the question referred to what the word “Buff” actually stands for. Brave and ready to forever ruin his reputation at CU, freshman Brian Perkins, stood up in front of about 8,000 of his peers to ask the daring question to an audience larger than their dorm roommate. Laughter and name calling quickly filled Folsom Field, echoing across the oversized stadium.

Soon however, everyone in the stands turned to one another with puzzled looks, admittedly not knowing what a Buff was themselves. Some were overheard saying that it’s a special strain of marijuana, others a sandwich native to Boulder, and even more an underground cult/frat that was conceived when CU was in its earliest days on conception.

The lucky RA whose turn it was to answer the question of the day was Tanner Turner, frat bruh and member of Alpha Sigma Phi. “How many bowls of courage did you eat this morning? Because that shit was ballsy,” he told Brian, who was still hiding in his dorm recovering from the event. “And just for the record, a buff is like a buffalo, man. Like an animal from the wild and shit. It’s pretty big and brown, just Google it dude.”

Meanwhile, the innocent question has made waves in the older generation of Buffs. Seniors at CU are dreading graduation because what comes next is pretty bleak: a rough job market, college degrees holding less and less value, and skyrocketing rent. CU senior Mikaela Goldberg’s broke down into what other students are now calling an existential crisis during her advanced philosophy class.

While students around her did the their typical first-class ice breakers, Mikaela sat, shivering. “Intrinsically,” she started, “the super-position exists only to prove that therein lies some metaphysical proof in an existential manner, there is in fact a higher power, higher than the nth degree, but we cannot yet comprehend its true connotation without examining the intensity of the subject.

“What I mean is, it’s not WHAT is a Buff,” she continued, “but WHY a buff? What is the significance of a buffalo in the greater context of life and one’s destiny? I can’t believe I was such a sheep my whole career at CU, never stopping to ask myself what the true meaning of our school’s mascot Ralphie the Buffalo is?!”

Student Cassie O’Hare was fed up with it all. “This is senior year she yelled, I’m done with this shit. I can’t take it! Maybe Ralphie has no greater meaning at all, maybe he’s just a stupid mascot to parade around sporting events and get students excited.”

Cassie walked out of the classroom and was never seen again. Students all over CU are now changing their questions from what to why thanks to one freshman’s stupid question. Why is the bookstore so god damn expensive? Can textbooks not cost $300? Why do professors give out homework on syllabus? WHY?