COLUMBUS, OH—Admitting guilt for infractions that sound like the types of obscure recruiting rules the school would break, Ohio State’s athletic director self-reported to the NCAA several secondary violations he just assumed were currently happening. “I don’t have concrete evidence that these things are going on, but I figured at least a handful of these rules are being broken given our track record,” said athletic director Gene Smith, who said he could not point to specific examples of wrongdoing, but assured reporters that at the very least he assumes his coaches are currently texting people they shouldn’t. “More likely than not, we’re also probably having former players in the NFL contact our kids because that just feels like stuff we like to do. I’m pretty comfortable filling out the paperwork to let the NCAA know something wrong is probably going on somewhere.” At press time, the NCAA had released a statement saying they assumed they were already closely monitoring the university for some recruiting bullshit.

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