Melissa Gorga of The Real Housewives of New Jersey wrote an advice book called “Love Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage” for women who want to know how to keep their man happy, and Tracie at Jezebel read it so you don’t have to barf out every inch of your insides while taking in these words of fucked-up fuckery.

Based on the pieces from Melissa’s book that Jezebel posted, a wife keeps her man devoted to her by always keeping her legs open for him, always keeping dinner on the table and never letting the smell of her shit waft up into his nostrils. Melissa takes instruction from the Chimpanzee King of her Castle, Joe Gorga, on how to behave like a good, little wife and she basically does whatever he says. The title of this mess should’ve been: “The Gold Diggers Guide To Becoming Your Rich Husband’s Slave So He Won’t Drop You For Another Trick.”

You should read all the excerpts at Jezebel, but here’s a few healthy and wise bits of advice from Melissa and Joe:

Melissa on how her husband won’t want to stick his peen in some side whore if her coochie is always ready to go: “The way I see it, if a wife is a puttana, her husband will never feel the urge to go outside the marriage to actual whores, or strip clubs. He won’t hit on women in bars, or drool over his friend’s girlfriends or the secretary. He’ll rush home to his wife, who makes sure he’ll have a good time (the best time) in the comfort of his own home.” Joe on how “no” means “yes.”: “Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says ‘no,’ turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.” Melissa on how any good wife must be ready to bone at all times: “[A] woman needs to keep herself in shape. She has to be seductive. She must be willing to try new things for her husband’s pleasure and her own. And, most important, she has to be available for sex.” Melissa on how Joe taught her to be home when he gets home: “His style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage exactly how he envisioned our life together. Joe always says, ‘You got to teach someone to walk straight on the knife. If you slip, you’re going to get cut.’ Even if something didn’t bother him that badly, he’d bring it up. He wanted to make sure that I knew, for example, if I ran out to CVS and he came home from work to an empty house, he didn’t like it. He’d call me and say, ‘I don’t care if you’re out all day long. But I don’t want to come home to an empty house.'” Joe on how his sons can be sluts but his daughter must be a virgin bride: “My sons can have a separate entrance to the house. They can come and go as they wish. They can have anyone up to their room. I don’t care. But I want to keep my Antonia my little girl. My wish is for her to have on boyfriend for a very long time. They have a mutual breakup with no bad feelings. Then she marries the next guy. That would be ideal. I don’t want her to ever have her heart broken. The only way I can see to helping her romantic life work out that way is be really strict and overprotective about who she sees, when she goes out, and what she does. I know it’s a double standard but I just don’t care! I don’t see it so much as restricting Antonia, but as protecting her.” Melissa on how if Joe did housework, he’d grow a vagina: “When gender roles are confused, sexual roles are, too. If he’s at the sink and then changing diapers, then who throws down in the bed? In our marriage, Joe is always the man, doing masculine things. I’m the woman, and I do the female things, including housework.” Melissa on how she never lets Joe know that she’s taking a caca: “Girls don’t poop. Me, never have. Never will. It just doesn’t happen. Or, that’s what Joe things! We’ve been married for nine years, and he has never once seen or smelled my business. How have I pulled this off? I don’t do it when he’s around or awake. In an emergency, I have my ways of pooping so he won’t hear, smell, or see. It’s a challenge.”

It’s kind of funny how Melissa is scared to shit in front of a big piece of shit.

If Melissa labeled her book as “fiction” and titled it “Fifty Shades of Grey: The Marriage Years,” it would be a worldwide best-seller. But none of this is really surprising, sadly. Taking marriage advice from Melissa and Joe Gorga is like taking financial advice from Teresa Giudice and Juicy Joe. And I bet the audio version of Melissa’s book is nothing but her whispering “heeeeeeelp me” over and over again.