Note: This is a work of humor. It completely does not reflect on how I am in real life or what I actually think of people. I was in a particularly snarky mood when I wrote it many years ago. I keep it up now because some people still find it funny and send me messages telling me so about once a month. But with that said, if you like it, woohoo! If you don't like it, I'm sorry.

So, I know you're thinking to yourself, "Self, there are so many profiles on OKCupid. How am I to ever really know what they all mean?"

Well, I am here to save you. I have compiled my many, many months of OKCupid experience and boiled them all down into a few simple tables for you, to help you with your profile-browsing experience. A team of crack scientists* has gone over each table and thoroughly reviewed it for technical accuracy and statistical correctness.

* There is no star. Bend it with your mind.

Adjectives

Ahh, those three little words that obviously completely describe us all. Because really, who can't sum themselves up in three words?

Now, sometimes, in the process of describing themselves, people use particular words that require some translation. So, to assist you in finding your future ex-wife or ex-husband, I have created a translation table, below:

What It Says What It Really Means "Curvy" Fat "Voluptuous" Fat "Cuddly" Easy "Sensual" Easy and/or Fat "Horny" Insane

Reading The Profile

For the brave and daring who wish to actually read profiles, there are many things to know before diving in.

The most important and primary rule is: Always Believe People. I'll say it again, but I'll make it look different: always believe people.

For example: If somebody says, "I'm a bitch," that means they're a bitch. They will eat your everloving soul and kick you when you're down. Your mother will hate them and your friends will desert you. They are not secretly nice people.

Or say, somebody says "I'm boring." Guess what, boys and girls? That means they're boring. You'll claw your eyes out trying to have a conversation with them, even if you're not using your eyes. Even if you already lost your eyes in a freak inkwell accident, you'll try to claw them out again. Boring Is Boring. Boring, people. Boring.

Also, boys: Random Girls On The Internet Do Not Want to Have Sex With You. And if they do, run away. Run away fast. Become Speedy Gonzales. Grow wings. Fly away. Get out, people. Because that girl is cuh-razy. She will eat your BRANE for dinner. To top it all of, she's bad in bed and she has a face like King Kong meets Martha Stewart. So don't be fooled boys. She's just taken one too many of them funny pills.

For the rest of us, there's also a few important things to know, brought to you in my very favorite Translation Table style:

What The Profile Says What It Really Means "Oh, by the way, I'm not really the age my OKCupid profile says I am." You will GO TO JAIL if you have sex with me. Jail, people. Jail. "I'm a fun-loving girl who likes to have fun. Fun fun fun, fun fun fun fun." I lost my brain in a freak mall accident. "I am good at: blowjobs, handjobs, sex, getting it on, kissing, kinky shit, and writing. But don't message me about sex." I am a god-damned slut. "I'm an easy-going, laid-back person." I am boring. "I hate writing self-summaries." Somebody needs to take me out back and shoot me dead.

Also, Rule Number Three: If They Look Underage, They Are Underage. And the corollary: If They Look 18, They are Underage. That's just an important general rule for life, guys. Only 14-year-olds look 18, nowadays. 18-year-olds look like, 26 or something. Have you ever known a seventeen-year-old girl who read Seventeen? See, I didn't think so.

Bonus Section: Translating IMs

Nowadays, OKCupid is a wonderful place where anybody can communicate with anybody else at just the click of a button. Really, anybody. Sometimes, boys might even communicate to girls.

However, girls: some boys speak a strange code language. Here's a translation table for some of the Instant Messages you may receive:

What They Say What They Really Mean "I am 42, just lookin 4 sum friends" "I would desperately like to engage in intercourse with your hot 19-year-old body. Preferably in my mind. Over the Internet." "Can m se bosom pls" "Can we have cybersex that leads to a green card?" "wuts up" "You have exactly three replies to start having cybersex with me." "ur a b*tch" "It's funny how nobody on this site will have cybersex with me, and you won't either!"

And for boys, there's really only one thing you have to know:

What She Says What She Really Means "I just met you, but want to come over?" "I WANT YOUR SOUL, BITCH! (P.S.: I have herpes.)"

Yell At Me

Want to yell at me? I'm sing_with_me on OKCupid, or you can send me an email at "okcupid -at- kanat [dot] us" -- just replace the "-at-" and the "[dot]" with what's supposed to be there. Seriously. Don't be a stranger, now. Say hi.