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Welcome to Superstore Supercon. Buy one, get two free. False promises and crushed hope that is.

From the people that brought the world the wonders of Agent Orange, aspartame, PCB, DDT, dioxin and various other completely harmless poisons, we bring you… cola in a can. That’s right. Monstersanto is now available in a can. And to mark the launch, the price is even lower than the morality of it all. Impossible you might think, but we’ve managed it!

Open the ring pull. Feel the spray. Taste the PR. It’s so refreshingly cheap. Monstersanto Cola is full of promise. It makes crops big and strong. More growth, less input. Less input, cheaper costs. And it’s as safe as houses. About as safe as a debt-bubble sub-prime market.

Just drink it in and hope for the best. After all, that’s what you already do with our other completely safe and healthy product Roundup. It’s everywhere – in the air, in the rivers and in your urine.

But you can trust us. We ‘test’ everything in our lab. We tell the regulatory agencies it is all fine. They take our self-promoting word for it and pass it on to you. Our products are science free! So you see there’s no need for those pesky independent tests that those whiners, hippies and scare mongers are always shouting about. What could possibly go wrong?

Swallow the lies, feel the fizz.

Keep telling yourself that it all sounds good and eventually it may, in a sort of sickly-sweet way. It’s definitely an acquired taste. Some spit it out immediately, claiming it to be poisonous, but others swallow it whole and are hooked.

Warning: slight aftertaste – our products are a threat to health and ensure more pest damage, greater weed production, poisoned rivers and less pollinators. But hey, precautionary principle? Everything involves risk in life, so don’t worry. Sit back and enjoy.

And there is a special message for farmers.

If anything should go wrong (not that it ever should, could or ever will), again don’t worry. Our boys and girls in the panic management department – sorry, we mean R&D – are always on hand to confuse you – sorry again, we mean inform you – with a never-ending stream of ‘innovations’. After all, what else would we rather be spending our money on than a series of failing soon-to-be-obsolete innovations to be replaced with more destined to fail soon-to-obsolete innovations? Bigger promises, better promises, more promises. Bigger, better, more. We mean profit margins of course.

And as an added courtesy, we are extending an open hand of friendship to everyone. We are having an open day. So if you want to know more about us, just come along to our new office in revolving door city. We get closer to your elected officials so we can get closer to you. What could be cozier? Be careful though. Don’t lose your perspective and go slipping on our newly polished smear-ridden floor. One or two scientists have already slipped ‘by accident’, if you know what we mean. We wouldn’t want the same to happen to you now, would we?

After drinking Monstersanto Cola, you may just be inspired to round up some Roundup and swig back a litre or two to remove any aftertaste. Some PR man claims you can drink a ‘whole quart’ of it. We would really like him to try. No aftertaste guaranteed! Coming soon to a country near you – Monstersanto Cola. Thanks to the TTIP (and other seedy backroom trade and intimidation deals), we guarantee it.

Before sipping at the Monstersanto trough, however, please read the small print: our products contain cutting edge bullshit. But we think you already know that.

In India, a particular brand of cola (one of the ‘big two’) says on the bottle “Contains no fruit products” or words to this effect. Void of any positive substance. We aim to emulate. But what our cola lacks in taste or substance, though, it more than makes up for with a killer punch.

Live life to the max… while you still can.