Jerusalem, May 26 – Three days into his historic journey to Israel and the Palestinian territories, aides to Pope Francis report that the pontiff is at or ahead of schedule on his mission to offend as many individuals, groups, and institutions as possible along the way.

Since the start of his trip several days ago, Francis made heads shake in Israel with symbolic gestures and recognition of an already-existing state of Palestine. He participated in ceremonies calculated to highlight suffering that could be blamed on Israel, and refrained from criticizing his Palestinian hosts for inflammatory or classically antisemitic remarks in his presence.

An unscheduled stop at the wall separating Bethlehem from Jerusalem further sparked Israeli and Jewish ire, as the wall exists as a result of Palestinian gunfire aimed at the Jerusalem neighborhood of Gilo. Francis neglected to acknowledge the fact that since the completion of the separation barrier, the successful penetration of terrorist attackers from Palestinian areas has declined precipitously.

With insults to Jews alone accomplished, the Bishop of Rome elected offend Jews and Christians simultaneously by referring to the Temple Mount as the “Esplanade of the Mosques,” acknowledging only the later Muslim ties to the site and not the ancient Jewish and Christian heritage as enshrined in Francis’s own holy scriptures. Although Jerusalem is not actually mentioned at all in the Koran, the Vicar of Christ decided to erase his followers’ attachment to the place where their Savior performed some of his most important acts in favor of kissing up to later conquerors of the city.

“The decision to offend Israelis and Jews – not to mention Christians almost everywhere in the West – first was a strategic one,” explained papal aide Rei Cyszt. “His Holiness knows the risks in offending the Arabs before or while setting foot on territory under their control, so he was very careful to insult only Jews until safely out of harm’s way.” The Jews, explained Cyszt, especially the Israelis, are so desperate for validation by someone with the Pope’s stature that they would let almost any insult slide.

Francis could then turn his attention to offending Palestinians with a visit to the tomb of Theodor Herzl, the founder of modern Zionism. The move endorsed Israel’s existence, thereby causing fits of apoplexy among Palestinians and their supporters, who see the only just disposition of territory in the region involving the dispossession of it from Jews. Further slights to maximalist – which is to say, official – Palestinian ambitions included a visit to the Holocaust memorial and research institute Yad Vashem, where Francis expressed his wish that such a genocide never be repeated, thus dealing a blow to Palestinian hopes that Muslims might join with Christians in ridding the world of the Jewish scourge. The Yad Vashem visit was a compounded offense, said Palestinian Catholic Bishop Grosse Antesemitt, as it explicitly endorsed the historical factuality of the Holocaust, a narrative that Arabs in general wish to reject.

Cyszt added that the visit to Yad Vashem was also meant to be a subtle dig at Jews, as the Holy See sees them first and foremost as victims, a consequence of rejecting Christ.

At press time, Israeli President Shimon Peres was continuing to grovel for attention from Francis.