i’m pretty convinced that Malcolm’s Swimming album is all about his obtaining his self-worth externally, instead of from within himself. he based his happiness around being successful, respected, admired. but even when he reached his ideal height, the bliss was short-lived, and he knew he wouldn’t ever be that high again, so he had to get high with drugs. the success had come and passed in September 2009, and he fell from it’s heights down into a deep depression. it’s all there in his lyrics. trust me.

“i remember, yes, i remember, yes, i remember it all, swear the height be too tall, so like September, I fall, down below, down low…”



the backbone of his identity was given too little of attention, and it appears his identity was based far more around a sort of “wish-bone” self. That wishbone identity was an ideal image of everything that he wanted to be, how he wanted to see himself. and he got the chance to have that wishbone identity realized and then stripped away from him. so after 2009 (all his praise, admiration, success), he never got that high up again. “climbing over that wall,” is after 2009, when he realized that wish-bone wasn’t going to be there for him.

“i remember, yes, i remember, yes, i remember it all, swear the height be too tall, so like September, I fall, down below, down low…”

he had experienced this false-identity, but it didn’t last very long, and after the ingredients for his ideal passed, he was left with who he was - his backbone.

Ok, well, you could have the world in the palm of your hands

You still might drop it

And everybody wanna reach inside your pockets, so it goes

It’s like, in every conversation, we the topic

This narcissism, more like narcotics, so it goes



but he didn’t have much of a strong sense of self-assurance because of how he was raised. who he was had nothing to do with what he accomplished, what he had, who he loved, or who loved him. he thought that happiness was something he could run towards, he thought it was something he could obtain:

The grass is always greener ‘til I cut it all

I can’t get no satisfaction, goddamn



“I switched the time zone, but what do I know?

Spending nights hitchhikin’, where will I go?”



he could see a better life, greener grass, over the horizon, but once he reaped the rewards, he was left with emptiness again. he couldn’t buy his happiness with success. he couldn’t run to it, no, not even in a different time zone; he still felt empty. so he had to figure out what the meaning of his life was, but he never broke free from oscillating between his achievement-based esteem and his true self-esteem, which he had little of, so this was his emptiness/depression. he was on a mission to figure it out, figure out who he was, what his backbone identity was, not what everyone wanted him to be, not what he wanted him to be, not what everyone saw him as. just him, that’s it.

Man on a mission, figure it out

Putting way too much on my shoulders, please hold me down

I keep my head above the water (water)

My eyes is gettin’ bigger, so the world is gettin’ smaller (smaller)

I’ve been getting richer but that only made me crazy

Mama told me I was different even when I was a baby

That Mercedes through the PA when I pull up, sounded like a concert

Or a, or a monster truck, I’m trippin’ but I’m falling up

I always said I want it all, but it’s not enough



he would teeter-totter between being grandiose, spending money on things that were a symbol of his success. he was a workaholic, putting all this work on his shoulders, which he wanted, because it kept him grounded. success kept him grounded. but the richer he got, the more he realized that it wouldn’t help him love himself. so he is literally freaking out, tripping, but falling up, climbing the ladder. and then he would fall into depression, and the money meant nothing to him, and he was empty.

Down go the system, long live the king

Turn the power off and get your water from the spring

I’m bringing everyone with me when shit get iffy

I give a hundred and fifty percent

This is the shit that I’m dealing with, but I wish I forget

Used to be feelin’ depressed, now that I’m living and I’m a little obsessed



Here he’s saying fuck being a workaholic, fuck getting his self-worth from everyone around him, from his accomplishments. fuck the system that he was raised in. he wants to get his self-worth from himself, getting his water from the spring. the 150% is him being a workaholic, trying to forget that there’s something wrong with him, so when he breaks free of his depression, he’s just obsessed with accomplishment. his Mercedes literally driving him crazy.

“Yeah, I been reading them signs

I been losin’ my, I been losin’ my, I been losin’ my mind, yeah

Get the fuck out the way, must be this high to play

It must be nice up above the lights, and what a lovely life that I made, yeah

I know that feelin’ like it’s in my family tree, yeah

That Mercedes drove me crazy, I was speedin’

Somebody save me from myself, yeah

Tell them they can take that bullshit elsewhere

Self care, we gonna be good

Hell yeah, they lettin’ me go”



he said this shit runs in his family tree, which again is true of narcissistic tendencies. it’s like you are constantly searching for your self worth in others, and caring too much about the riches which reflect your success.

I’m too grounded, push whips that move mountains, new crib, blue fountains

These are my surroundings

I’ve been going through it, you just go around it

But it’s really not that different when you think about it



So here he is oscillating between success/materialism reflecting self-worth, a capitalistic, western world. but he is actually thinking about it and how it relates to his self-worth. he is literally going through it, but everyone else is going around it. they don’t realize that their obsession with materialism and success is literally eating them alive.

when he was growing up, it was like “1-2-3, jump,” and that’s again true when you have a gifted child who is capable of keeping himself occupied. his mom always said he was “different,” and special. the kid (Malcolm) looks up and only receives attention when he accomplishes something. so the kid searches for love through accomplishment. he had to grow up quickly, and no one was holding his hand. with a kid raised by a narcisstic parent, they put their wants on the back burner. they are not as important as others. “all i ever want is what i need,” because he his wants were not given attention. he learned to only expect the bare minimum, otherwise, he was a burden and that burden might cost him the love that he wanted. he learned that the only way he got his attention was in his talents, in his success. that’s all he’s worth, is to perform. He is just improvising, playing by ear, and listening closely to see if anyone will notice him, or give him attention/love. And he loves so hard because he wants to be loved also. But he doesnt understand unconditional love, so he does his best to meet the conditions that were bestowed before him in order to earn his love, attention, importance. but if that condition isnt met, it can be stripped away at any time. so he doesnt trust anyone, he doesnt gamble with something that can change like the seasons.

Water my seeds 'til the flower just grow, yeah

Love so much that my heart get broke

I don’t really know how the normal shit go, so

I guess I just play it by ear, silence is all that I hear

Listenin’ close as I can, growin’ up (123) jump

Nobody holdin’ my hand, no

Trust is a problem, never know how, yeah

That’s why I just keep to myself

Get what I need, then I’ll be out (please help me)

Who can surf the the universe with me

Lucifer is human and so are we

All I ever want is what I need

And that don’t include your time and company

Follow me, we on up and up

Remember when I owed a hundred bucks

Now, we look around like what the fuck?

If you don’t fuck with me, you fuckin’ up. I know I need to watch my temper, so I

Don’t ever gamble on the weather but I, just, watch, well, look

The sun is shinin’, I can look at the horizon

The walls keep gettin’ wider, I just hope I never find 'em, no, no

Hey, wellThese are my wings, these are my wings

These are my wings



someone can live like this, teetering between grandiosity and depression/anxiety for a long time, but the minute that the object of someone’s self-worth comes crashing down, the person will be wrought with this extreme, terrible depression. he knew that he could never have his wishbone identity, and what he was left with was “oblivion, yeah yeah.” and that’s when he “kept the medicine on call.” so yes, he turned to drugs to escape the emptiness that followed him after 2009, after he realized that he would never get that successful again, and he realized that he had all the time in the world to figure it out. but he’s stuck in his head, and can’t get out. he was stuck in oblivion, and oblivion is not the way someone should live.

“I got all the time in the world

So for now I’m just chillin’

Plus, I know it’s a, it’s a beautiful feelin’

In oblivion, yeah, yeah

Oblivion yeah, yeah

Oblivion, yeah, yeah”

so it’s not just about his addiction to drugs. it’s about his addiction to being free from the shackles of his own mind. because he felt empty, and he just wanted to escape his emptiness.

he was basically an extremely talented, and gifted kid, that never got the chance to grow. and because he was raised with narcissistic tendencies, and he obtained his self-worth through the admiration of others, he was always worried about what people would think. he was always reading the wants and needs of others, but ignoring his own. he just got what he needed and left, never what he wanted, because his desires were not as important as others. i’m convinced that his mother was narcissistic, and the kid had the biggest heart but didn’t know how to be loved, because he always had to earn his love and self-love. he never had it unconditionally.

his story is one of the saddest stories when it comes to ego and narcissism. he was not on the side of the spectrum that most people recognize, which is a superiority complex. no, that was likely the thing that was in his family tree… superiority. instead, because he was raised as a kid by people on that side of the spectrum, he wound up on the opposite side of the spectrum. the co-narcissist, the co-dependent, an inferiority complex.

anyway, i would bet money that this is what he went through, after listening to his album. it’s terrible that someone that talented and gifted could be left behind - he deserved self-love, self-care, but he just didn’t know how.

the entire album just kills me. my fucking heart. it’s so sad that he went through this. listen to his album with this stuff I’m mentioning in mind. it all fits together, like pieces to a puzzle. it all fits.

if anyone is interested in reading about the things that I mentioned, here are a couple articles:

Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic Parents

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents: The Echoes

if you’re still interested, and want more to read, try:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

or

Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists

i didn’t read that last one very fully, but I read about “echoism,” and everything that pertained to being raised as a kid by a narcisstistic parent. anyway, hope this was interesting for you. ive had Swimming on repeat for several months, and im realizing why.