Listen, I’m no prude. I enjoy sex and am very vocal about the fact. And while I usually keep mum about what happens between me and my personal sheets , I’ll talk about sex forever. Quite honestly, I love hearing about others thoughts and experiences–it’s fascinating to me. And let me say now, I know nothing about S&M–the only experience I have is when I tell my husband he’s having sex tonight and use my “demanding and not to be ignored” tone.

So, when a ton of my friends were moaning and ahhh’ing over the New York Times bestseller, 50 Shades of Grey, I decided to follow the sheep. I caved and bought it for my Kindle, even though I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be my bag.

It wasn’t. Not even close.

I kept my mind WAY open as I began to read the latest Mommy Porn phenomenon. I read. And felt nothing like what seems like everyone on the planet was having orgasms over. I was disappointed I didn’t even feel a tickle in my girly bits.

Personally, I couldn’t get past the redundancy of the writer’s word choices and the fact that her characters are supposed to be American yet they speak suspiciously like someone from, say…England. Which meant that I was also reading it in my annoyingly distracting fake English accent. Let’s not forget to mention that it was, BY FAR, the most poorly written book I’ve ever laid my poor eyes upon. I mean, to me, Twilight sucked and this one made it look brilliant.

I made it halfway through the first book and then..I couldn’t read anymore. My sanity couldn’t take it.

But, I’ve got some thoughts on why this book has taken over every nightstand on the planet:

Sex. OK, you’re like “DUH, no shit.” But hear me out. I have a theory that’s been validated by some friends that feel the same way about these books as I do.

Married sex. After awhile, it can become monotonous to some, creating an unsatisfying sex life. This book creates a fantasy life that bored (ish) women can live vicariously through. It gives them something to fantasize about while in missionary position. I think women who are unhappy, bored, unsatisfied or whatever, are the ones who can’t put this book down.

I spoke with some of my friends who are getting laid (and orgasming!) on a regular basis, and none of them liked 50 Shades of Grey. Every single friend I spoke with who is happily sexified, hated the book. Which left me with my very unscientific theory:

Women who are having sex regularly and enjoying it, aren’t enjoying this book.

Here is what some of them had to say:

Kristen at Fun Being Frugal shared “I think a large part of its popularity might be due to so many men being out of work. When you’re a man and feel so emasculated, it takes effect in the bedroom I’d imagine.”

Jane Devinwas turned off. “It’s actually frightening to me that in a time when so many are trying to take power away from women that a book in which a woman is submissive has become popular. I’m no prude and even enjoy a little D/S play, but this has become a cultural statement and not just a fun little sex romp.”

Elisa Bieg of Globetrotting In Heels thinks “it was very poorly written, and the main character’s inner dialogue was, frankly, demented.”

Erin at Mommy on the Spotn said, “First of all, I was totally disgusted with how masochistic Christian is. That first sex scene made me queasy.”

My friend Wendy had plenty to say. “It’s like a traffic accident or the John Edwards trial. You know it is killing your brain cells and y0u’re embarrassed that you’re turning the page instead of walking away. I walked away after 100 pages and felt ill that I’d wasted that much time. I can’t say why people like it. It is exploitation of a smart young woman into a sexual toy who doesn’t say no. What baffles me is that smart women are buying it!”

And lastly, Kelly at Mochamomma thought “The sentence structure alone was enough to make me cringe and she repeats the same phrases ad nauseum. If she bit her lip one more damn time I was gonna scream. I’m fine with the sex if women want to read that. Hell, it’s GREAT to read good sex scenes. Just not contractually.”

Well, now I don’t feel like I’m the only black sheep in a field of 50 grey.

Let us know what you think of “50 Shades of Grey”. Did you love it? Hate it? Why?

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