Monday

On an appropriately dismal wet morning, the Tory leadership race proper got under way with five of the candidates launching their campaigns. Matt Hancock was first out the blocks with fresh orange juice, croissants and a goody bag containing a phone charger, a biscuit and a can of water for all those who had made the effort to attend. Dominic Raab laid on no refreshments – he makes a virtue of austerity – and many of those who had come to support him, including David Davis, first sneaked upstairs to tuck in to Tigger Hancock’s catering before returning to hear a sales pitch that appeared to be based on proroguing parliament and doing trade deals with Somali pirates. Jeremy Hunt’s was a more formal, rotary club affair with tea and biscuits and every bit as dull. Michael Gove had hired a party venue that pumped out a Fleetwood Mac and Queen soundtrack and felt a bit like a swingers’ club in Penge circa 1990. Not the best look for someone trying to distance himself from his cocaine days and nights. The most surreal launch, though, was Esther McVey’s, which took place in a basement room with her standing behind a portrait of Margaret Thatcher. The standout moment was when she declared the reason Lorraine Kelly, appearing as Lorraine Kelly, had blanked her on breakfast TV was because she was still jealous about her relationship with Eamonn Holmes and the size of her dressing room. The ongoing spat between McVey and her former GMTV colleagues has been one of the highlights of the week.

Tuesday

French scientists at the University of Dijon have conducted research on convict cichlids, a species of central American fish, and found that females who are separated from their partners are noticeably more pessimistic. For some reason, this cheered me up immensely. I rather like the idea that fish aren’t just swimming around aimlessly for months on end before they either get eaten by something else or die of natural causes. The fact that they can form relationships with one another somehow gives their lives more meaning. With intelligence like that, we will soon find out that the reason fish chose to stay in the water was to avoid having to listen to any of the Tory leadership speeches. Though I suspect not all fish may be as sociable as the convict cichlids. We once had a couple of goldfish that used to swim round the tank studiously blanking one another. Then one morning we came downstairs to find there was only one fish left. The top of the tank had not been disturbed, so it was impossible for the cat to have climbed on to the shelf and hoicked one out with its paw. Which meant there were only two possible explanations. Either the goldfish had dissolved or the other one had performed a brutal murder and then eaten it. Only the surviving goldfish didn’t look at all bloated – or guilty – and merely continued swimming round as if unaware that anything untoward had happened. It remains one of the great unexplained mysteries of my life.

Wednesday

Boris Johnson’s campaign launch was a spectacularly depressing affair. Not because Johnson had nothing to say that wasn’t evasion or lies, because that was already priced into the event. What took the launch to a real low was the presence of so many Tory MPs whose only interest in Johnson was their self-preservation and self-advancement. None of them believed in his principles, for the simple reason neither he nor they have any. As a vision of a future Boris government it was terrifying. Take the front row, which featured his campaign manager, Gavin Williamson, the defence secretary sacked for briefing secrets from the national security council; Liz “Cheese” Truss, who – God help the economy – is tipped to be the next chancellor; Nadine Dorries, who is unable to distinguish between fact and fiction; and Iain Duncan Smith, whose biggest drawback is that he is Iain Duncan Smith. It was no less toxic elsewhere in the room. Remainers who don’t believe a word Johnson says but fear for their careers. James Cleverly and Kit Malthouse, who thought so little of him they would have stood against him if they had had the numbers. And any number of ERG members who are going to go wild when Johnson inevitably lets them down. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who defended Boris’s right to make racist and homophobic remarks. Mark Francois, who laughed sycophantically at every bad joke and led the boos when Sky’s Beth Rigby asked a reasonable question about Johnson’s character. This was the Tory party both at work and at play. And it wasn’t pretty.

Larry: “Sod off. This is my gaff” Photograph: James Veysey/Rex/Shutterstock

Thursday

One of the more fascinating aspects of the Tory leadership contest has been the behaviour of those members of the government who will be out of a job whoever becomes the next prime minister. The shortly-to-be-former chancellor Philip Hammond appears hellbent on going down in a blaze of glory, openly ridiculing the no-deal Brexit plans of Johnson, Gove, Hunt and the other leading contenders and then challenging them to promise to maintain falling levels of debt amid their election spending bribes. Fair to say he won’t be on many people’s Christmas card list this year. Meanwhile, the only person who doesn’t appear to know that Chris Grayling will be returning to the backbenches is the man himself. Grayling was one of those hovering anxiously at Johnson’s launch, desperate to get himself noticed. But even Johnson isn’t daft enough to give Failing Grayling another job. All of which made today’s transport questions something of a collector’s item, as it is certain to be Grayling’s last. By and large it all went off just as he might have hoped. There was almost no one in the chamber and he let his junior ministers field most of the tricky questions. But he blew it right at the end, when Labour’s Emma Dent Coad reminded him that Johnson had promised to lie down in front of the bulldozers and wondered whether plans for a third runway at Heathrow might soon change. Absolutely not, Grayling insisted. Thereby committing Johnson to protesting against his own government’s actions. Watch this space.

Friday

Spending a couple of hours each week outdoors in the park or countryside can significantly improve people’s health and mental wellbeing, according to a new report conducted by academics at Exeter University medical school. Not even exercise is required. Just sitting on a bench contemplating nature is enough. Shame then, that whenever I spend time out on Tooting Bec Common my first emotion is anger. Even nearly two years on, I can’t forgive Wandsworth Council for chopping down the entire avenue of chestnut trees. This despite scientific evidence showing that the destruction of most of the trees was unnecessary and not cost effective and the near-unanimous objections from local residents. More than £100,000 was wasted. The common now feels exposed, charmless and denuded. As if the collective memories of a community have been violated. Almost a bereavement. The replacement 15ft lime tree saplings feel more like an insult than a peace offering and have hardly grown since they were planted. As if they know they are unwanted. A nagging reminder of what has been lost. To make matters worse, the council has spent the past few months engaged in road improvements around the fringes of the common that no one ever thought needed to be made. The money could have been far better spent on planting mature chestnuts on each side of the avenue to compensate for the ones that were needlessly destroyed.

Digested week: And then there were six ...