SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was giving up when I made a solemn promise to God to remain chaste for the rest of my life, but that was before I realized I could put on one of these plush cartoon animal suits and engage in sexual role-playing as a fox or cat,” said the visibly crestfallen priest, adding that the more time he spent browsing DeviantArt yiff accounts and reading erotic Lion King fan fiction, the more he realized what a massive mistake he had made in joining the priesthood. “I knew it would be a sacrifice, but come on! No one told me I’d also be abstaining from all these amazing conventions. There’s a whole world of fur and fun out there I’m missing out on. What have I done?” Shamblin added that he should have been ordained in the Episcopal Church, where priests are allowed to dress up as furry animal characters and have as much sex as they like.

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