It has recently occurred to me that most tv we used to watch, or still watch, revolves around a dinky character who is trying to be popular. So I am going to delve into some of the coolest guys we got to see as a young kid. The people who, though they were popular in the show, we probably wouldn’t hang out with in real life. I’m not talking about any of the people you emulated as a kid (though you may have emulated some of them) I’m talking about the kids that were way too cool for school, I’m talking about the following characters, beginning with the obvious:

Hermes “Jesse” Katsopolis (Full House):

Uncle Jesse of Full House fame may be the king of “supposed to be cool.” I mean he impersonates Elvis, he’s a high school dropout, and he has great hair. (You’ll note that the great hair theme is a big one when it comes to the popular crowd). Point is, I never thought Jesse was cool. Even back in the day when I still thought Dave Coulier was funny, yes there was a time. To be fair, the guy had a banging hot wife, especially for a 90s dramedy. But let’s be serious, we’re talking about a guy who still thinks that his band his going to hit it big, even after the guy has two kids, he mooches off Bob Saget’s money, but who doesn’t in that family? Seriously, what’s going on there? The voice of Ted Mosby just says, “Hey everyone, yeah it’s fine if you want to live in my house. No its cool, you don’t need to get a real job. You’re the brother of my late wife, we have no blood connection, but ya.” Bullshit. But hey, if you think he’s cool, power to you?

Ethan Craft (Lizzie McGuire):

This kid is living proof that sometimes looks ARE everything. Seriously, without looks, what else does this guy have? Well it doesn’t matter because he has the greatest hair known to man (note the trend here) But seriously even Lizzie McHilary said “Even with paint in his hair, he still looks perfect.” There ya go. He is the most popular guy in the world, but also the dumbest. Kid pulled a 0 on a math test. Come on bro, even MY worst grade on a test was a 5. But hey, before we get hasty and decide that he would actually be cool in real life, it really isn’t hard to be the coolest guy on that show. I mean, who is his competition? Gordo? Matt? The dad? No chance. Either way, Ethan definitely has a great CRAFT with his hair. His secret? “It says lather, rinse, repeat…I don’t repeat”

Seth Powers (Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide):

I’m going to keep this one brief. But for those of you who don’t know, Seth represents one of the most underrated shows of all time: Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide. The reason I will keep this brief, is because he is literally just the biggest Ethan Craft knockoff of all time. I mean he dates the hot blonde, is the dumbest kid in the world, and has PHENOMENAL hair. I mean, Ned had a run for his money to beat Seth for best hair at one point, but that was just one day. Seth has this godly blonde flow rockin all day every day all night dude. Furthermore, the kid gets away with rockin’ bball warmups and spinning a basketball on his finger consistently, and people STILL love him. I wish I could get away with that, dress casual all the time…oh wait i do, rockin a groutfit right now. But I don’t get away with it nearly to the extent that Seth does. I don’t think anyone does.

Logan Reese (Zoey 1o1):

Okay, how does this kid get the honor of being the cool kid? He is probably the worst kid I have ever seen in my life. Always rocking tank tops, to show off what muscles, Logan? WHAT MUSCLES? And that dumb curly hair, come on guy. I mean, to be fair, the people closest to him hate him, but he still does work his way around with a lot of the ladies. Is it because he is the richest kid on campus? Maybe. I know it can’t be his muscles, and what possible charm could this kid have? This kid is classic too cool for school, but ALSO a classic case of hiding his nerd side with a douche side. The kid is actually an unreal chemist APPARENTLY. And then he goes on to date that Quinn girl? Really? Whatever, no judgments. Kid is a scumbag, but fits today’s definition of “cool.” I think he sucks though. I think he more than sucks.

Imaginary Gary (Fairly OddParents):

If you missed this one, Gary only pops up in one ep of the Fairly OddParents, when Timmy wishes his imaginary friend would come to life (Note: Not to be confused with the imaginary friend Larry). Yo this kid had swag before swag was even cool. A swag hipster if you will. I won’t, because that’s just stupid. No this kid is instantly cool, giving everyone nicknames, and charming the pants off errabody. He says what is and isn’t cool, and I don’t think a single person questions him once. Look, if you don’t think this kid is cool, even Trixie Tang wants on this guy’s d. If you don’t understand that reference, do you want I should explain the chart? Point is, everyone left Timmy to roll with this guy, but it turns out that he actually sucks and is an asshole, again fitting in with this “too cool for school” theme. He doesn’t even go to school! He doesn’t need to. He’s straight drippin swagu.

Sean Hunter (Boy Meets World):

Okay, now I know what you are thinking, “Yo Sean was never that cool.” And I’m thinking it too. In fact, I even got Boy Meets World fresh off the ol’ DVR so I have been paying close attention to this case. Arrite, while Sean doesn’t immediately come off as a kid that you would think of as cool, you need to realize what the kids at his school thought, because, let’s face it, coolness is all relative to your rank among those around you. It’s not an objective thing at all. BUT, that being said, Sean Hunter again has amazing hair. Flow out the window. This kid has been picking up girls forever with the simplest hair-flip. That’s it, a goddamn hairflip. I gotta learn that move. He has a 30 foot range. Yes, that does mean that girls 30 feet away from him will say hi to him just because he did a hairflip, he doesn’t even need to be looking at them. That’s pretty cool, admit it. As opposed to Ethan, Sean went to a pretty cool school in a phenomenally cool place. He was among the ranks of Eric Matthews, John Turner, and even Matty Lawrence was in there. Very cool indeed. I wouldn’t want to be his friend though, because he is always complaining about something. He is supposed to be this tough-exterior guy, but I feel like sometimes he plays the guilt card harder than Elliot Reid.

Well those guys are all “cool” but they’re not the only cool guys we ever saw so I will drop some of my honorable mentions:

Kevin (Ed Edd n Eddy)

Larry Beale (Even Stevens)

Nick Dean (Jimmy Neutron)

~Little Spoon

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