Nothing else matters.

Isn’t it weird that you can spend several decades on this earth, without knowing that the most important thing that you will ever see is a video of a tiny purple squid whose eyes look like they’re running in opposite directions of its face?

I know it’s weird, because it happened to me today, and now I am so shook that I am struggling to collect my thoughts. Please, meet the “stubby squid”.

This rare stubby squid was discovered by researchers on the sea exploration vessel Nautilus, presumably while they were looking for something less wondrous and divine. When the sea explorers spotted stubby squid, they were immediately overcome by peals of nervous and disbelieving laughter — which I guess would happen to me too, if I looked upon the face of god.

“It’s like some little kid dropped their toy!” one of the scientists exclaim. While they cackle, stubby squid sits serenely, stoic in the knowledge that he is the stubby squid and that to survive the rigours of the deep sea you must be unmoving like a rock, as unflappable as a grain as sand, as aloof as a stubby squid.

Stubby squid was always there, we just didn’t have the mental fortitude to recognise it. I strongly believe that if any creature on this earth holds the secrets of the universe, it’s the stubby squid. Let me list the reasons that stubby squid is incredible, a task that is endless but I will try to curtail because I have to get home in time to watch The Bachelor tonight:

Its name is ‘stubby squid’.

I’m not saying that the stubby squid named itself (it’s beyond that) but never has a name better suited a living thing. This sea creature is 11 centimetres tall at its full height. It has tentacles and is a squid. It is quite literally a stubby squid.

It spends its life burrowing into the floor of the ocean and then just sitting there.

The stubby squid “likes to bury themselves in the sea floor for protection, leaving only their eyes poking out” to watch for predators, which makes me think that the protective maneuver of the stubby squid has informed Taylor Swift’s entire career. I think the stubby squid may have invented the concept of ‘introversion’, and I’m yet to proven wrong about this.

The stubby squid just doesn’t move.

If this video is one of the definitive stubby squid texts, then we are to believe that they simply refuse to move even when they are given passionate verbal encouragement to do so. Stubby squid moves for no man, and I have never identified with another creature more fully. Stubby squid refuses to be accessible.

It looks like a Pokémon.

It also seems to be glowing from the inside, which suggests to me that he is indeed holding all important knowledge on Earth, including the nuclear codes. How weird is it that we never knew about stubby squid, my life was so dumb and meaningless before stubby squid.