To: Congressman Joe Wilson <joe.wilson@house.gov>

Subject: apology accepted

Forget it, Joe. I realise you only shouted "You lie!" during my (v well received, btw) speech because you were both angry and badly misinformed about our healthcare proposals. I've discussed it with Rahm (he's much calmer now) and we agree that your apology constitutes both a heartfelt repudiation of your politically motivated objections and an acknowledgment that you spoke not as a man, but as the handpuppet of your rightwing paymasters. I'm sending you a box of vegetables (fresh from the WH garden!) by way of saying "no hard feelings". Barack

To: Sasha Obama <nickjonasfan@yahoo.com>, Malia Obama <hypoallergenic_puppies_are_cute@yahoo.com>

Subject: a quick favour

Hey girls. You know those rotten tomatoes we chucked on the compost heap last week? Would you mind going down there and fetching a few back out – about enough to fill a big FedEx box? It doesn't matter how far down they are. Dadx

To: Michelle Obama <first.lady@whitehouse.gov>

Subject: Re: ingrates

I told you so – you can take organic celeriac to the homeless, but you can't make them eat it. Next season stick to the basics: more carrots and peas, less cavolo nero. Don't worry about good food going to waste. If it's rotten, bring it to me. Bx

To: Gordon Brown <g.brown@parliament.uk>

Subject: Re: still disappointed?

Gordon – I thought I explained my position re Al-Megrahi. I know it was nothing to do with you, that it was totally the Scottish Executive's decision. But when I need to convey my profound disappointment at the release of a convicted bomber on behalf of all Americans, I need to convey it to someone US voters have heard of. I rang Susan Boyle first, but she wasn't in. Barack

PS. What's this I hear about you apologising for chemically castrating a gay mathematician? How the hell did I miss that story? All the weird stuff happens when I'm on vacation.

As seen by Tim Dowling