TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying its eyewall had swollen up in a “pretty ugly way” in the time since it left the popular spring break and party destination, Hurricane Hermine expressed concern Friday that it had caught something while in Panama City. “Oh God, I definitely picked up something nasty there, because now it stings really bad every time I rain,” the Category 1 hurricane told reporters, adding that it was also concerned about the runny 87-mile-per-hour discharge it recently noticed coming from its clouds. “I’ll admit things got pretty wild last night, and there was that period that was a total blackout, but Jesus, now my convection currents are all enflamed. Ugh, I thought it would be fun to go a little crazy in Panama City; I really should have known better than to spend the night there.” At press time, a deeply embarrassed Hermine was circling back to inform all the communities it had had direct contact with since its stay in Panama City.

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