I have been off this week, so, as is traditional, I offer some of the best of the constantly improving microblogging website.

1. Working on my autobiography. (Not the written part – the practical.) Moose Allain

2. There was a Roman province so good they named it Thrace. Matthew Readwin

3. My mate was offered a job as a noise pollution inspector. He had to turn it down. Chris Heaton-Harris

4. It turns out confirmation bias means exactly what I expected it to mean. Moose Allain

5. ‏Cowboy walks into a German car showroom. “Audi.” Chris Heaton-Harris

6. Policeman: “Name.”

Man: “Iggy Pop.”

Policeman: “Your full name.”

Man (quietly): “Ignatius Poppadum.” Trouteyes

7. Statistic of the day: Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy. Chris Heaton-Harris

8. When I discovered I’d been the victim of ID theft, I was absolutely liv. Barry Harper‏

9. I’ve just made a ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet. It’s ruggish. Neil‏ (Enanem)

10. “My wife’s got a part in that JB Priestley play.”

“Inspector Calls?”

“No, contact lenses.” Moose Allain

Next week: Famous people whose names are sentences, such as Britney Spears and Clive Staples Lewis

Coming soon: Words that died and were reborn, such as wireless