Assassin’s Creed Origins is just wild.

In no particular order, here are some incidents and adventures we’ve had while exploring Assassin’s Creed Origins over the past few days. Some of these could be considered spoilers, although we won’t touch on main quest content.

If you’re starting Assassin’s Creed Origins yourself this weekend, be sure to follow these essential tips, make sure you’re using the best abilities, know where to find loot by solving the Papyrus Puzzles and understand the weapon and armour system.

Eaten by crocodiles

Discovered crocodile lair on island. Called Senu, spotted leader, confirmed level within reasonable challenge range and not too many smaller crocodiles in vicinity. Crept around to bushes on far side, dropped a predator arrow through its head to start things off.

Charged by crocodile at alarming pace. Ran backwards, pinging arrows, until fell in water. Crocodile entered water and became even deadlier. Exited water, screaming, and ran back the other way pinging arrows. Killed crocodile, but fell into nest of unobserved smaller crocodiles. Savaged to death before loot could be collected. Confidence shattered re: crocodiles, own capacity to deal with crocodiles.

Beset by biblical plague

Arrived at lonely viewpoint. Surprised to find viewpoint is at the top of the mast of a ship, stranded in the middle of the desert. Perused mummified crew members and rifled through their diary entries. Left, mystified and impressed.

Moments later startled by thunder. Looked up to find black clouds overhead, ala Eeyore, in otherwise blue sky. Had not finished digesting this occurrence when it began to rain locusts (presumably, am not entomologist). Tried to remember if last tomb raiding incident had been particularly disrespectful to nearby gods, drew a blank.

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Possibly normal local weather pattern? Game documentation suggests extended sun exposure may cause hallucinations. Will look into hat options at next village.

Earned a trophy for running away

Spotted a smashed chariot on a river bank. Poked through the wreckage and discovered a note apologising for the loss of said chariot, due to hippo attack. Pondered location of note and concluded chariot owner had been to visit site of crash after receiving note, then dropped note for some reason. Possibly surprise?

Startled by sudden cry of “HRRRUUUGHGGHGHHAHHH” in close proximity. Looked up to find high level hippopotamus bearing down like less elegant freight train. Turned tail and ran, screaming, while mashing the “call mount” button and feeling wind of clashing hippo jaws on ankles. Barely escaped with life. Received a trophy?

Opened a door in an unconventional fashion

Used Senu to locate second of two treasures needing looting to clear location. Marker 30m underground. Searched fruitlessly for cave at edge of island. Returned, frustrated, to stand on structure directly above treasure marker and ponder.

Realised structure made of wood, not stone. Experimentally equipped torch, then dropped it. Excitedly watched structure set ablaze and begin to burn away.

Less excitedly realised self standing too close to flames. Began to rapidly die of burns. Looked around for water but structure lost final integrity and collapsed underfoot. Plummeted 30m, died from fall within arm’s reach of coveted treasure.

Played hide and seek with children

Charged with visiting friend by side quest. Visited said friend, took tour of workplace, encountered friend’s numerous children. Suckered into playing hide and seek. Discovered children in highly unlikely places. Scolded children roundly. Did not go to cop school to locate small obnoxious children who aren’t even very good hiders.

Discovered fragility of boats, also life

While swimming in lake, met concerned fisherman who offered rescue on boat. Declined offer of seat by mast and lift to land, politely requisitioned boat on official cop business. Endured fisherman’s grumbling on journey to nearby island with a question mark on it.

Reached island, ploughed into a gap between a group of crocodiles and a herd of hippos. Delighted by opportunity for easy loot, drew bow, began taking pot shots. Animals became enraged and charged boat. Boat collapsed to great surprise and alarm of all parties save crocodiles. Fisherman eaten by crocodiles. Self mauled to death moments later by hippos.

Pondered circle of life

Visited a point of interest to discover a shallow cave. Disappointed by lack of content in remote location. Looted treasure, turned up note. Note from hermit, calling for Sekhmet’s protection on his new family, a pride of lions on the western hill, on the day he went to join them.

Strolled in a vaguely westerly fashion until encountered strangely familiar rock formation. Wandered around to other side to encounter pack of lions. Bit of a to do, no lasting injuries to self.

Collected lion loot and discovered half eaten human body. Note on body sent by loving but exasperated child, requesting father come home and stop living in caves forming unworkable plans to live with lions. “They will eat you,” note advised. Made mental note to always listen to children re: lions.