**DISCLAIMER: Scathing rant ahead. Do not proceed without a sense of humour.

Our world is in turmoil. ISIS are bombing every major city in Europe, half of America actually buys into the dangerous douchebag that is Donald Trump, and a used sanitary towel would be front page news if it came from a Kardashian. But there’s one crisis that is flying under the mainstream’s radars, and that many of us encounter on a daily basis, yet refuse to act upon. The thirst of our gay community is real. Y’all wanna talk about the Californian drought? These bitches need to get in the fucking sea. And preferably drown. The only time a tsunami is ever welcomed; on the Gran Canaria Pride Facebook group. It’s more tragic than any suicide bombing. If only some of those desperate cunts would blow themselves up. Here’s a couple of gems:

Just casually letting the 5,000+ members know that I’m gonna be in there for Pride, and am easy AF. Secure myself a lay just in case there aren’t hundreds of thousands of horny gay men when I get there. Where is your decorum? Half of these queens would have their ankles behind their ears, tugging their arse cheeks apart if social media would let them. And the thing is – men actually hit on them in the comments. Brazen flirting on a public forum is an uncouth hobby for people that can’t grasp the concept of social etiquette. Get a room. You know, like a gas chamber.

Listen, if you’ve got a good body and you put the hours in at the gym, then fair play to you, you should be proud of anything that you worked hard for. Nobody is crucifying anybody for a shameless selfie once in a Blue Moon. But it’s the endless rotisserie of near-naked desperation. Don’t you have anything to say? Where’s your voice? Queens wanna be mermaids so much, they acting like the sea witch stole it. (Really wanna be a mermaid? GO LIVE IN THE SEA).

The worst ones, are the ones that try to hide their thirst behind some other kind of notion; ‘Feeling blessed and grateful for all this love and light and opportunities, blah, blah, blah’; just post your fucking selfie. And preferably one where we can’t see your pubic hair. Great work on the abs, but your bush is giving me 90s Scary Spice nostalgia. Hack it off, and get in the fucking sea. Let’s not even tug at the tragic thread of the ‘armpit selfie’; you know the one, laying in bed, giant vagina under their arm, awkwardly strained pout. Real casual, hun.

Or some kind of hint that they’re single, to encourage an exchange of thirst in their inbox. Or “Have a good weekend”, as if another image of the same torso, in the same room, in the same position is benefiting me in any way shape or form. And then after sharing thousands of pictures that would imply they don’t own a thread of clothing, they then complain that no men want a relationship. No, they just don’t want one with you, hoe. Stop being basic and get in the fucking sea.

It’s like they need the validation more than oxygen. And you know who doesn’t need oxygen? Mermaids.

Why don’t you try telling yourself that you’re beautiful before begging it from a stranger; it’s painful. Even when you die and get reincarnated, you will struggle to achieve success in your next life because your soul is still dying of shame from your performance in this one.

And it’s not like gay “celebrities” are really helping the situation; bobsledder Simon Dunn is screaming for ‘likes’ as he parades around in his pants all over Instagram… not to mention inflicting the world with his shockingly bad YouTube tributes.

And all we want for Christmas, is for you to get in the fucking sea. We’re sure Mariah is back-slapping an assistant somewhere, just because of this. It’s one thing to flaunt your body when it comes naturally, and you’re good at it – but this is like the geek at school desperately trying to be accepted by the cool kids. Does she even go here?

And talking of horrific music videos, his are on par with Bryan Hawn; who is by far the worst. He needs an ocean all to himself. He might as well walk around with a sign that says “penetrate me”. It would be a different story if it was done tastefully, as opposed to writhing around on an unmade single bed, destroying modern pop music. SEA.

Gus Kenworthy used to be quite bad for it too, but he obviously took a dip in the sea and cooled off, so we like him now.

Does nobody respect themselves anymore? And it’s not about just showing off your body, it’s about why. Because flaunting your body is easier than using your brain? Because it’s a fast-track to an ego boost? Or because you’re just shameless prostitutes that are getting paid in ‘likes’?

Thirsty bitches, do the world a favour and get in the sea. Especially if you don’t know how to swim.