I know everyone is trying to help, but hotlines have a big problem with trust for me.

I have spent a lot of time calling suicide hotlines, and I appreciate the work the volunteers are doing. However, I have a problem with the hotlines.

I was a frequent caller, so almost everyone who works at the hotlines I call know me. I know that this is not a situation most people who call will deal with. When I call there are two things that happen, either they try to get me off the phone, because they assume I am not truly suicidal, or they try to send me to the hospital. I understand that their time is limited, but, when I am calling, I am in crisis, and I am looking for some help, not an automatic trip to the hospital.

Often times when I call they recognize me, so they know my history, so they often don't take me seriously. Hence, I have been rushed off the phone many times.

Worse than rushing me off is sending EMS to me without my consent. This has happened several times. The one that sticks out the most is the time I called, and got off the phone because I felt better. I then went to sleep. I was woken up by a loud knock on my door. I crawl out the bed, opened the door, and was greeted by the cops. They realized I was sleeping and in no danger, but they still took me to the hospital. They told me they had to because someone called that I was suicidal and a danger to myself.

Eventually, whenever I called I was terrified that they would send the cops. Often I would call and hang up, and then spend the night paranoid that every siren meant the cops were coming for me.