Greetings FPL obsessives and a tedious international break to you all, you are kindly reading the third instalment of an 11 part Fantasy Premier League series conveniently called ‘The Last XI’, and if you are yet to deduce from the title… it’s a wildcard special. So put the kettle on because you’re about to witness me scrupulously ruin my chances of a top 10k finish, and I for one can’t fucking wait.

The Premier Leagues alumni dispersed across the globe this week aside from West Brom who enjoyed some practise under the pseudonym ‘Northern Ireland’. Alexis Sanchez relished an escape from Arsenals losing streak by featuring in Chile’s crucial world cup qualifier against Argentina, losing 1-0. Seamus Coleman endured a horrendous leg break courtesy of Swansea’s Neil Taylor meaning that the Irishman’s season is over and Leighton Baines finally becomes the bigger attacking threat of the two. Finally England came out of a double header against Germany and Lithuania smashing them by an aggregate score of 2-1, prompting me to go searching for my old England shirt that I threw on the road outside the pub after the Iceland game, I want to be appropriately dressed when we lift the world cup next year.

But thankfully whatever feigning interest I pretend to have in World Cup qualifiers can be put to bed until June as the Premier League resumes this weekend, and I have a lot of decisions to make before Saturday morning. But first, let’s see where my team left off.

Gameweek 29

Transfers: Collins > Valencia (+6 Gross)

Points: 87

Rank: 59,402 ↑

As a young Justin Timberlake once said, ‘What goes around, comes around’, and those words have never rung truer for me than last weekend as my team conclusively brought sexy back (yeah). After a horrendous yet seemingly well prepared BGW the points that I felt entitled to for my troubles arrived a week late. What was always meant to be a transitional week resulted in a pleasantly surprising season best 28k gameweek rank which saw me rise 40,000 places into a comfortable two week stay inside the 100k hotel. It was one of those weeks where everything seemed to go in my favour, two late goals for Lukaku, a rare away clean sheet for Tom Heaton, and if you wanted further proof of my luck go and watch debutante defender Antonio Valencia’s last minute screamer against a literally helpless Victor Valdes. Here is how my team looked at the end of the weekend.

Just 3 of my starting XI failed to deliver and Adam Lallana’s miss of the season saved my further blushes for not picking Firmino over Mane. It’s left me in a strange situation where I’m going to say goodbye to several players who have done nothing but warrant their place in my side, but as my uncle always used to say ‘it’s better to have a two week fling and end it on a high note than wind up 4 years later with a divorce and two kids that you’re only allowed to see every other weekend while the bitch takes every penny I have why did you leave me Sharon why’, so with that in mind let’s have a look at who I’m thinking of bringing in for the business end of the season.

Gameweek 29

So before I begin listing off every player in the game as candidates for my new look side, I must address my decision to play the chip in the first place.

Jumping to the assumption that the vast majority of my reader-base is male, most of you will know all too well the fear of prematurely blowing your load. I have ignored the general consensus to wait for GW36 (the supposed textbook wildcard week), a week that would ensure you can bring in 15 starting players for the sweet sweet bench boost in the seasons biggest double gameweek. Whilst that sounds great, my team was swarming with players that had great fixtures over the last month or so but not so much now, and to me this week felt like a changing of the guards in regards to teams’ fixture difficulty and also from the seasons middle point to ‘the final stretch’. This is the time of year when clubs looking down the barrel of relegation begin to miraculously start getting results whilst several mid-table teams with little to play for (West Brom, Watford, Stoke) will be putting more effort into booking first class tickets to St. Lucia than on the pitch.

I’m more than prepared to soon realise wildcarding now was the wrong decision and learn my lesson, however if I can correctly detect which teams are worth loading up on at this point with one-eye on their GW37 I can surely have my cake and eat it too, boasting a superior team sprinkled with lower owned players, and 7 free transfers to ensure a stacked bench boost, but I must pick the right squad now, and true in both sexual longevity and Fantasy PL, it’s a good idea to think about Jamie Vardy for the final stretch.

Teams to look out for



Here comes the sciencey bit. With just the 9 gameweeks left we have a digestible sample size to determine who has the easier games for the rest of the season, I’ve taken the liberty of visualising my opinions on who’s match-ups are meatiest and who’s fixtures are feeble.

I’ve created a table of teams fixture difficulty, numbering every fixture from 1-5 (5 being the easiest) and adding an extra 1 point for a double gameweek.

E.g Man United’s GW 37 = Spurs Away (1) + Southampton Away (3) + 1 = 5 points

I’ve accumulated the 9 GW’s of each team to reach a final score of fixture difficulty in two categories, difficulty between GW30-33 (the immediate fixture difficulty) and difficulty between GW30-38 (The remainder of the season entirely), my reasoning behind this is that I want to predominantly bring in players that not only have a DGW, but have the best fixtures in the coming weeks. Teams that have poor fixtures now but good fixtures later are teams I should look to be using my free transfers on. Here are the conclusions I came to…

Disclaimer: these scores do not correspond with FPL’s official fixture difficulty rating they are my own opinions of difficulty and your opinions will most definitely differ.

So as you can see, I’ve determined Spurs as far and away the hottest team right now, with their next 5 games against Burnley, Swansea, Watford, Bournemouth and Palace, and a DGW37 which isn’t the easiest but a DGW all the same, I implore you to at least double up on the boys in white, they are the very definition of form and fixtures combined.

The three teams to look at for budget options are Southampton, Leicester and Middlesbrough. The Saints may have little to play for however they are the cheapest way into a team with 2 remaining DGW’s. Leicester seem to have rediscovered their title winning form and still need to get points on the board to breathe easy avoiding the drop, although beware rotation and/or fatigue in GW32, 33 & 34 as these weeks sandwich their Champions League quarter finals against Atletico. Middlesbrough have an incredible DGW 34 of Bournemouth away and Sunderland at home, which would be mouthwatering if they weren’t bloody Middlesbrough.

Arsenal and Liverpool’s fixtures begin OK and end very strong, there’s no harm in bringing in players from these teams but prepare for the unpredictable performances of both.

With poor fixtures now but a favourable finish, teams that might be worth waiting for are Sunderland, Man City and Chelsea. I’d advise bringing in atleast one of Chelsea and Man City as these are top teams that can get goals and results in any fixture, and bringing them in in anticipation of their good run of fixtures will save you valuable free transfers. Sunderland coverage should depend on your belief that they’ll start pulling results out of their arse like they always do towards the end of the year.

Teams to certainly avoid are West Brom and Bournemouth, little to play for and shocking fixtures (Bournemouth’s become good after 33 but still wouldn’t bother).

So now that we know this, it’s time to see which players I’m considering…

Goalkeepers

An important thing to consider before selecting your goalkeepers is the price structure that you want, and essentially how valuable you view the goalkeeping position to be. If you’re looking for a high end keeper then David De Gea is perhaps the best option all things considered, Man United have difficult fixtures however are one of three teams with two DGW’s coming up, Mourinho teams tend to be defensively sound at the end of the season and with the Red Devils’ ever changing back-line De Gea is a safe way into the clean sheet points in the form of a world class keeper. Hugo Lloris at £5.5m is a safe bet for points however may take up a Spurs spot that could be used elsewhere, and if/when Harry Kane returns you could find yourself in a position where your team is forcibly mouthbreatherless.

Personally I’m opting for the cheap/super-cheap option as my money seems better spent elsewhere. If you have bigger balls than myself you might consider Willy Cabellero or David Ospina, both priced 4.7 and CURRENTLY starting for their respective high end teams they could be an absolute steal, however neither can be sure to start games for the rest of the year, and that is the last thing you want from a keeper. Victor Valdes will be doing all he can to give Boro the best chance of staying up, and despite his howler last time out has looked good this year for the large part. The Boro don’t score goals so their emphasis will be placed on claiming scrappy 1-0’s, and with some favourable fixtures and a tasty DGW he looks like a risk free punt until the end of the season. Purely for budgetary reasons although coming in off the back of a 10 point haul, Sunderlands Jordan Pickford will almost certainly be coming into my team. The England U-21 international’s performances have been a rare positive in the Black Cats’ season, and at 4.1 and a DGW to come this seems like a no-brainer.

Defenders

Two players that will undoubtedly survive the purge are my premium pair of Valencia and Alonso, both are stress free, pick every week players that basically spend 90 minutes on the wing. Despite my budget not allowing me to, I would never dissuade managers from bringing in Kyle Walker, in the form of his life and with assist potential equal to the two aforementioned wing backs, he will no doubt be a player that I rue not having, but personally I prefer V & A.

A Southampton defender should be bread and butter for a wildcard team, they’ve been struggling to pick up clean sheets recently but have good fixtures and are criminally cheap. Cedric Soares sits at £4.8m and offers attacking threat, Maya Yoshida looks to have locked in a starting spot which at £4.3m shouldn’t be ignored. Finally the Lidl own brand Saints defender, £4.0m Jack Stephens has had a string of starts on the south coast and is currently the joint cheapest starting defender in the game, but for how long? Uncertainty deters me from Stephens, so in the immortal words of 80’s new wave power pop band The Vapours ‘I think I’m turning Japanese’. Consider the £0.3m extra on Yoshida as ‘Start insurance’ (I am aware by saying this I will now see Yoshida benched for the rest of the year).

One notable big team bargain is a man that goes by the name of John Stones (yes, I know, it’s a trap). The City centre half has suddenly become one of Peps favourite players, and city finally seem to have remembered how to keep a clean sheet. Despite burning me earlier in the year, I’m willing to forgive and forget, and hey, £4.7m City defender, what could possibly go wrong?

That leaves me with room for one more budget defender, and at the risk of the potential frustration that comes with owning two Middlesbrough defensive players, it looks like I’m going back to North Yorkshire, which has always been a bad idea in general. With £4.9m Darren Gibson a little pricey for my liking I’m looking at Fabio (£4.4), Bernardo (4.3), and Barragan (£4.4) though it seems an impossible task deciphering who is the most nailed on among these defenders with Chambers and Friend recovering from injury, from what I’ve seen of Middlesbrough recently Fabio seems to be looking the best, so for the time being he’s in. Another interesting option is the insanely cheap Mason Holgate, with Colemans injury Holgate looks favourite to drop into that right back slot having impressed this season, the start is almost assured with Funes-Mori also injured during Argentina duty but this might be one to wait for as Everton have Liverpool and United away in their next two, and something to fall back on if Fabio loses his spot.

Midfielders

Much like my two priciest defenders, my premium midfielders were easy to decide. Although expensive, a north London trio of Sanchez, Alli and Eriksen was almost too good to turn down, Sanchez is undoubtedly the best player in the game this year whilst owning the Spurs pair will almost ensure every goal at White Hart Lane bumps me up the rankings. My love for these three comes at the cost of ignoring Liverpools good run of fixtures, and whilst setting myself up for watching a Mane hattrick with my head in my hands, these are the risks we must take.

My 4th midfielder is one that I have completely ignored the fixtures for, although financially crippling me the ice man Gylfi Sigurdsson simply cannot be left out, especially with that home fixture to Boro staring me in the face every time I think of ejecting him. This man scores points against Chelsea, Man City and Liverpool amongst others, when Swansea score, he’s never far away from it, and as long as this man plays like he has been, he’s in my team.

That leaves just one spot left for my midfield, the 5th mid. There are a few interesting differentials available around the £5 mark, James Warde-Prowse loves a free kick and has scored twice in open play in recent weeks for S’ton, Martin De Roon provides excellent value at £4.4m, is certain to start but lacks goal threat, but the man I’ve got my eye on the most however is £4.9mil Marc Albrighton. One of the players who MIRACULOUSLY remembered how to play football after Ranieri’s sacking, the left midfielder has scored a crucial champions league goal as well as assisting a few in the league in recent weeks. There is slight worry of rotation with Demairi Gray around the Champions League games, but given form and fixtures the forward thinking fox could be a frequent fantasy threat, and that sounds fucking fantastic.

Strikers

My three striker spots are perhaps my most difficult choices, how can I possibly justify letting Lukaku go after the couple of months hes had in my side? But as good as he’s been, his next two fixtures are ugly and he has no DGW, it’s the ultimate form vs fixtures debate. Diego Costa was about to go straight into my team before an ankle strain on Spain duty put a question mark over his availability for the weekend, so for lack of better options the Belgian might have to stay another week.

Regardless of who wins my priciest attacker spot, they will no doubt quickly be replaced by Zlatan Ibrahimovic, serving the last of his 3 game ban at the weekend the Swede will be back in action midweek at home to Everton, and surely looking to make an impression after absence.

One man who I’m excited to bring in is the horrible xenophobic red bull drinking chavvy sharp-shouldered curiously black-eyed arsehole Jamie Vardy. The Leicester striker has been reminding us why we fell in love with him last year having been reborn under manager Craig Shakespeare and has two terrific home fixtures coming up. Fancy that, last year someone agreed to make a film about him, and this year Shakespeare is directing his play (wrap it up boys that’s the best joke you’ll ever see me write).

That leaves the final striker spot, or as I like to call it, the ‘oh shit I’ve not got any money left’ spot. I had always assumed Gabbiadini was a shoe-in for my team but a vague injury causes him to be a doubt, meaning £6.1m Shane Long will presumably come into Saints’ starting XI for the time being, but I’m not so sure about the Irishman’s form. Jermaine Defoe at £7.8m is too pricey for me but will be on my watch list as the up and coming England talent’s goals will be dearly needed for Sunderland this Spring.

Now time for perhaps the most insane suggestion I’ve given across all my time playing fantasy, the ultimate differential pick, 0.1% owned Rudy Gestede. The largely benched Beninese forward is only £4.7m and scored an (albiet flukey) goal against Man United last time out, my liking for this man is a combination of his low price enabling my luxurious midfield, and a mad hunch of mine that he will begin to get starts under new management. Boro need goals, caretaker manager Steve Agnew will address that he needs to change the system up top, and I believe it’s a matter of time before Rudy gets a run-out. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone for a mental punt, and these moves can end up being the most fun you have all season, so in short, fuck it, Rudy Gestede is in.

The Team and Captain

Just to confirm, with all the tinkering and injury news that will come through in the next few days, this will almost certainly not be my final team, but at the time of writing this is how it looks…

Despite a small part of me hoping that someone gets a last minute injury to unleash the sheer excitement of Rudy Gestede, I am in love with my new team, especially the midfield, having plotted the line-ups and fixtures for the next 4 gameweeks I can tell you my ‘pick team’ tab on the website will look very promising for a fair while, but will that correspond over to the ‘points’ tab, only time will tell.

Captaincy is a bit of a ball-ache this week but I’m looking at 3 main contenders. Jamie Vardy currently has the arm-band, the former Fleetwood man has scored twice in his last three games for club and country, and anyone who followed the league last year that he is prone to a scoring streak, he is susceptible to missing easy chances like we saw against Lithuania which can frustrate, but after his miss he duely smashed his head against the Wembley turf with an already blackened eye, and if that’s not the sign of a man who wants goals I don’t want to know what is. Gylfi Sigurdsson is someone who you’d expect to score points in a home tie against Boro, but Swansea’s derelict immediate form gives me doubts about putting my eggs in the Icelandic basket. Last but not least is the little voice in the back of my head telling me to do something I have never done before, captain a defender… Marcos Alonso has proven (albiet sporadically) that he knows how to score a goal, and when your home to Palace, not only do your chances of keeping a clean sheet increase, your chances of scoring do too. It’s a romantic idea and one that would provide me with plenty of excitement come Saturday lunchtime, but it also has a strong chance of ruining my day in time for tea.

Your Questions

Just the one query this week as my ‘send your questions in’ post collected dust, and it comes courtesy of a username that I recognise but I can’t quite put my finger on how, I want to say Rodney?

Zaha looks like he could be back in good form, and is a cheap option for a team with a DGW coming up. The question is, which prevails; a need to score goals to stop getting relegated, or Big Sam’s method of parking the bus? – cadaverouslooking

Good question, as we already know the DGWers of GW34 are Man U, Boro and Palace. United are a team that can score points in any fixture, Boro have great fixtures, but Palace seem to be going completely unmentioned among the community and for good reason.

Despite having won their last 3 games and failing to concede in each, their next 6 fixtures are abysmal and the double gameweek is an intimidating combination of Liverpool away followed by Spurs at home which is just about as bad a DGW as you can get, on the whole, I think Palace players should be avoided.

That being said, if I had to bring in a Palace player it would without thinking be Wilfried Zaha, the ‘Ivorian’ is electrifying at his best and I will always have a soft spot for him having seen him score a bicycle kick in the flesh thanks to my Palace supporting friend. He seems to be a man on a mission right now and if his goal against Russia this week is more of an indicator that he has points in him. If Palace do catch the end of season great-escape spirit and cause some giant killings, Wilf will no doubt be largely involved.

TL;DR – I wouldn’t bother with Palace as a whole, but if you fancy them to win some games then Zaha is your man

Final Thoughts

Aaaaaaaand breathe… there we go, I’m looking forward to next weeks rant of how could I possibly of forgot to pick X and I wish Y would fuck off the France already. But until then I’ll love you and leave you, thanks for reading and feel free to give me some feedback on whatever platform you deem best, and most importantly good luck for the weekend!