by inevitableaversion » Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:08 am

I have only been using this site for a few days now and already I notice how many Non NPD people are all over in this forum who are hurt, confused and concerned having just been abused by someone with NPD. I'm going to attempt to explain a few things for all of you. I cannot claim that every narc will agree with everything I say as they may have their own specific routines of thought, hell I might even disagree with myself next month, however, I am certain I can give non NPD people some kind of insight and possibly, hopefully, make them understand enough to help them move on out of their confusion. Usually I will explain two sides to every issue because I have spent most of my life being an unaware N and now I am a self aware N, so my internal feelings and reactions to things are completely different in each phase.I hear these concerns from nons a lot: Did they mean everything they said? Were their feelings real? Was the real person the nice one who was in love with me or was it the cold dead person they turned into? Why were they so mean all the sudden?Answer: If they are self-aware, yes, they think they mean what they say as they're saying it. That's why its so convincing. They truly believe it. Let me point out that I said they mean it at the moment they are saying it. They could say something genuine and then even 10 mins later think to themselves, "oh no i don't really think that's true", and then immediately after that they think "oh well, no biggie. It produced an attractive response so I'm good with it" and go on about their day. If they are unaware of their NPD then the internal dialogue I mentioned earlier is not acknowledged by the narc through no fault of their own. They are incapable of introspection. Incapable...they cannot do it, so don't get so angry at them. An unaware narc will say things because they think they are actually feeling what they say. However, there is always an ever present feeling of emptiness where the words come from that the narc will experience, but how are we supposed to know this is significant in any way if we don't have anything else to compare it to. I can see that now, but i couldn't back then. Its so hard to explain correctly because I feel like i always know I'm not being honest with my feelings but I'm unable to convince myself my own feelings are true. So, honestly, I know I'm lying to you and being 100% honest all at the same time. All the while desperately hoping I feel the way I say I do. Having said that I think us narcs are more tortured than the people we abuse, so keep that in mind as well nons. I will honestly say this too though, while still in my unaware stage I did always reach a point when I knew unequivocally that I was dragging them through the ground without really caring for them just to feel good about myself and alleviate boredom, but that's after I said all those romantic things I thought I meant, that had at that point, completely died out.Let's turn to the question of whether the real person is the nice lovey dovey one or the dead cold hateful one.There are two stages a narc goes through and I describe them as life and death. Which one is the real one? They are both the real one. Both stages are really them. The life stage is very pleasurable for the narc. We spend most of our lives not feeling any positive emotions on our own. We feel tons of negative ones, but pleasurable ones come very rarely and sadly, we need the help of others to feel most of them. We "love" you at first cause you makes us feel alive again. We come back from the dead. We can become even addicted feeling to you even though most of us would never even hint to you that we feel that crazed about you. If they are aware that they have a safe lover to say things like that to and it will be beneficial at making your adulation juices flow more readily then they might tell you. Either way those feelings are there and they are strong for both the narc and the non. Everybody is happy and life is goodNow here comes the death stage. Suddenly, almost overnight, your narc will "die". The narc finally has all their feelings confirmed. All those things they hoped they were saying were real are now known to the narc to be fake. Of course they knew they were fake, but they also knew they were real, but NOW they only know they are fake. Fake really isn't the right word to use because we are genuinely feeling real emotions, its just those emotions are not for you they are for ourselves without us really realizing it. During this stage the non complains of being confused and hurt....well the narc is feeling the same believe me. We completely turn inside ourselves and move in there when we die and that is why we cannot feel any remorse or guilt for what we do after this point or even care about your feelings after this death happens. Living entirely inside ourselves we can only see ourselves and you become this outside foreign object that has to be dealt with randomly throughout the day just so we can get back inside where we are now held hostage. We become so depressed and empty feeling and mourn all the "could of beens" that will now never happen. You see the whole time we are lying to you we are also lying to ourselves so however much you think we hurt you just know we hurt ourselves much more. You can leave us and be done, but we are left with ourselves and these feelings will happen over and over. In this stage we truly feel dead inside and its painful. We are very volatile and angry outwardly. We treat our nons horribly at this stage because we are incapable of experiencing pleasure or feelings....we are cold dead and gone. Will we come back to life with you? No. There is absolutely no reviving us at this point. If a couple years go by we might be able to feed off you again, but the same thing will happen no matter what. If you try to leave us right there on the spot after we die we might temporarily regain feeling for a short time, but ultimately we will leave you because the nons never leave us and we will not mourn the loss of you. Its like the only comfort we can feed ourselves at this point is to feed off the energy of tormenting you. We can feel a boost winning arguments or controlling you and doing other awful things. We are grabbing for anything that can make us feel something. Also, you need to understand that when we treat you bad we feel your are deserving of it. Everything you say or do at this point feels threatening to us and annoying. I feel my respect and my entire personality are being challenged and I will do anything to win. I have to win because I am dead, and depressed and feel sorry for myself and winning dominance over you and winning imaginary challenges im convinced are real might just make me feel better. We are actually just protecting ourselves. Well at least we think we are. We know your not going to leave so we use you however we need to try and desperately feel something and to fill a bit of the emptiness that has taken over our whole body and soul. Eventually we become so desperate to feel alive again that we will start the cycle all over again and not think twice about leaving you for it. We are slaves to it and we really cannot help it. Nons should feel lucky they dont have to deal with this. You should feel sorry for us really. I know its hard to feel that way while you're being abused, but for ###$ sake do you blame us....Hope that made sense. There is so much more to it but I didnt want to make it even longer than it already is.