GEORGE Osborne is to use his school and family connections to get everyone into easy, well-paid work.



The chancellor promised to achieve full and cushy employment by calling in personal favours from business leaders with whom he once shared a public school dormitory.

Osborne said: Last night on the news I saw a steelworker from Newcastle who hadnt worked since 1996. I put in a call to a journalist friend of mine and now hes weddings editor at Tatler.

If I open up my contacts book, before long all Britains jobseekers will be gainfully employed as Conservative Party researchers, Spectator columnists and PRs for upmarket fashion websites.”

Former bricklayer Roy Hobbs said: I was watching TV when Michael Gove rang and asked if Id like to be a special advisor at the Department for Education.

I’m on £60k and all I have to do is say ‘Latin for 4-year-olds’ then everybody nods furiously.”

However the chancellor’s plan met a setback when his father refused to employ anyone at his luxury wallpaper factory, on the grounds that they might ‘be as fucking useless as George’.