Soccer (Hot Mess) Recap: Thorns FC vs W. New York Flash

A group of talented, classy ladies. Photo Courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

With a gut wrenching, cry-in-your-car-on-the-way-home kind of finish, the Thorns’ 2016 season came to an end Sunday afternoon.3 in overtime in their first, sold out, home playoff match.

The first half was totally MEH, until Flash midfielder Samantha Mewis benefited from a Thorn’s defensive misstep in the 16th minute. HOT FLASH AHEAD 1-0

OUCHY MAMA

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Don’t worry folks- the Portland Thorns are filled with poise, experience, timing and

WHAT THE FART FILLED PANT LEG WAS THAT??

New York’s Makenzy Doniak made it 2-0

TWO POINT THORNS DEFICIT

!

Finally, after 39 minutes, Christine Sinclair confirmed the Thorns place in the game with a goal. This assist, from Kitty Kat Reynolds, invigorated the attentive, yet otherwise hesitant crowd and finally sent the stinging stench of smoke bomb into our nostrils. TASTE THE POINTS IN THE BACK OF YOUR SKULL

Things got pretty chaotic at Providence Park at this point. While red smoke streamed through the stands, Western New York's head coach, Paul Riley, was escorted off of the field. As of now, there is little written regarding the issue and a Red Card is not documented on either the Thorns or the NWSL site. If Riley was indeed issued a....

At this point I blacked out from the sadness and constant emotional flip flops.

Here are my miserable, dimly lit highlights...

1. A variety of gravity defying Betos saves. SUCK IT ELFABA!

2. Emily Sonnet with a goal. Game on at 2-2! THORNS CAN WIN! I NEED A DIAPER!

3. I worry about my parking situation as we move into overtime.

4. W. New York’s Mewis scores again putting Portland down 3-2.

5. Diaper need confirmed.

6. I start to pace and do some deep squats in the press box. The lady from Comcast Sport’s social media non-verbally lets me know she is not pleased.

7. Flash again! Mewis again! And I have crushed chairs, buildings and entire quadrants of this city with the weight of my desire to undo this event. WHITNEY HOUSTON-I TOO AM SO EMOTIONAL! 4-2

8. A variety of non- scoring crossbar events. SO CLOSE!

9. Thorns keep turning the ball over and the Flash are taking FOR-EV-ER to do anything.

10. Horan scores! WE ARE BACK IN! 4-3

11.The game ends.

12. The stadium erupts as if the Thorns have won.

13. We fucking lost.

Fine: The Thorns lost and they are not going to play on Sunday October 9 in the final match. DAMN IT. Or, In the words of my mother, "DAMN IT ALL TO HELL."



Meghan Klingenberg gets a well deserved Riveter snuggle. Photo Courtesy of Portland Thorns FC

I have taken some deep breaths and sang some SPOT ON renditions of “Here I Go Again On My Own” by Whitesnake regarding this game. I am coping. And just like Celine, I Will (BEGRUDGINGLY) Go On.

And I get it, it’s just a game... I understand that someone has to lose... I’M FINE WITH REALITY—GET OUT MY FACE, BRO—I AM TENDER RIGHT NOW.

I was just not ready for this to end. IT’S CALLED SPACE, STEPHEN HAWKING—PLEASE GIMME SOME

This 2016 Thorns’ season has been filled with promise, return and random gifts. LIKE SOAP DOLLS IN A HALF DEAD TREE FROM BOO RADLEY

This particular team, has been a thrill to watch and beyond inspiring. The first string National Team Players, the Second String Other Nationals and the Third string Auxiliary Players—accomplished this shield together—no matter what their pay, level, or experience.

I would like to OPEN MOUTH KISS THE PORTLAND MERCURY for the opportunity to sit in the press box with random reporters from around the country, and world, while they surprisingly watched our city’s fans audibly and creatively create and dominate a proper soccer environment.

I cherish watching opposing teams march into Providence park wanting to both massacre the most talented and winningest team in the league and also reveled in playing before the biggest most involved crowd. Everyone hates the smartest most talented girl in the room AND DON’T I NOW KNOW IT I mean we... don’t the Thorns and I know it.

So please excuse me while I ugly cry and aggressively type and publicly process. Turn down the Steelers’ game and crank up the jukebox. I’ve entered Sarah McLachlan’s entire discography—AND WE SHALL ALL SING IN A BROKEN HARMONY OF SADNESS TOGETHER After all, if it’s not worth crying about it, it’s not worth having.

PETS-EX’S-SPORTS AND SPILLED MILK!

And to my friends that simply don’t get “sports” and insist on pointing out why they don’t get “sports” and how they don’t understand why “sports people” get so worked up and bummed out about SPORTS: Well, guess what I didn’t think of between the hours of 2pm and 5pm on Sunday October 2nd?

1.The hot mess election

2.The desperate and dire situation in Syria

3. My fucking job

4.The desperate and dire OPB pledge drive

5. My stupid exs

6. Sarah McLachlan’s overly dramatic discography

7. Other things that which I have no control over, but bum me out.

It’s entertainment that involves me emotionally—like theater! (Go see The Lost Boys: Live at The Siren Theater, opening October 14!)

I am proud of the Thorns as a team. I am proud that this 2016 group represented Portland THIS year. With all of the struggle, strife, and difference within this country, we’ve had opportunities to watch and support professional women from Iceland, France, Afghanistan, Canada and yes—even California working together. It doesn’t stop when the whistle blows or when the season ends.

Thanks for a great season, thanks for reading and I'll see you next year.