BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe. “Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the hell out,” said European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker, adding that the U.K.’s 66 million inhabitants could “go kick rocks” for all he cared, but they couldn’t do it in Europe. “Seriously, we gave you bastards over two years to make a decision and you came up with jack shit—so guess what? Now we’re making the decision for you. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Later, assholes.” At press time, Britain had reportedly begun contacting former colonies in search of a place to crash.

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