An explanation (of sorts) from the author…

One might say, this temporary About Page is the unfortunate result of Uncle Lefty consenting to a friend’s request. They said they wanted me to write a “fun appreciation piece” for the new website. I maintain I did just that.

‘You write it, We use it.’ It was a handshake deal, and they intend to honor it, albeit for an aggressively short period of time.

No one who’s read it is even sure what it is – but me, I’m calling it: ‘Hit & Run: The Sorry Saga of What Was Supposed To Be The Uncle Lefty About Page.’ And if that sounds apologetic, it’s not.

27 September 2013

Uncle Lefty, hello, good morning and Welcome to your about page.

OK– I’m aware it’s, like, three months past our discussed delivery date. But higher beings told me to take my time, so I did. And anyway, as we’ll all observe by the time we get to the end of this, EXCELLENCE really is the ultimate excuse.

Yeah- so, a few simple pre-items before we hit Go. First, I know we discussed sticking to three or was it four paragraphs? I don’t know how I could’ve agreed to that.

Second, I have a half-memory of some guidelines – no stealing cool phrases from other about pages, no exaggerating, avoid weirdness, etc. I think I’ve 85% honored these principles. (That’s just a conservative guesstimate.)

Indeed, what you are about to read is the result of a MASSIVE EFFORT. I’m talking a full day run thinking semi-deep thoughts. And if once or twice I’ve experimented with the facts, know this: I was guided by a Greater Truth.

Speaking of which, I should probably tell you around Hour 6 something v. strange happened. You know how Barry Manilow (sp?) claimed the music spoke through him? That’s exactly what happened to me. Except a lot worse: It was like Uncle Lefty himself was sitting on my lap & typing.

Actually, that’s not true. Contrary to what Dalya said, this shit doesn’t write itself. What I mean is, there’s blood on the pages of my thesaurus, and it’s pretty obviously mine.

Now, I know you’ve been anticipating a bland little puff piece for your About Page. God knows, I tried. But- well- I think this would be a good time to adjust our expectations. Once you get over your conventional sense of dismay, I’m sure you’ll agree: There was no other way. So, here it is, One Fan’s Notes…

WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL UNCLE LEFTY ABOUT PAGE…

Important Fact No. 1: The horrible truth of this about page is Uncle Lefty didn’t want it. The idea was first mentioned in a short group email (by me) and NOBODY WROTE BACK.

There were also a few phone conversations. Things were said. Things like, “You know who reads about pages? Nobody- that’s who.” More personal: “I get a stomach ache just thinking about it.”

Interactions like that. And then I forgot about it. And then some months later, Dalya called. Breaking news (short version): New website, about page wanted. Following a not-so-short chat w/r/t About Page tone & guidelines, Dalya suggested I write-up an intro and we go from there.

Uncle Lefty About Page Introduction (An Honest Effort)

Uncle Lefty is a New York based management company representing directors, editors & composers. We believe our client list speaks for itself – and simply put: we’re proud to be associated with these world-class talents.

But it wasn’t always that way. Far from it. In the beginning, before the glitz & romp & conference call chic, it was just Dan & Dickey; two gifts from the wrong side of the tracks who had NO clients, no contacts & if you believe the rumour, which I do, spent most of one summer trying to hotwire an abandoned moped behind Kentucky Fried Chicken – where they worked, “learning the business from the bottom up” (ie. operating the fry-o-lator), before one aggrieved assistant manager issued a pair of quite poor, some would say, venomous, HR evaluations (including the phrase, “…unpromising work ethic and to such an extent one can easily imagine both boys being arrested trying to rob a 7-Eleven and actually enjoying it” – one assumes this was a reference to the fact that both Dan & Dickey had been caught giving away a noticeable amount of chicken to potential girlfriends – that and they’d both gained a horrendous amount of weight themselves and were temporarily, at least in company memos, referred to as The Chicken Thieves); anyway, all this resulted in the pair being sacked. We’re they demoralized? No, they were not. It was just the beginning.

Dalya’s Rant…

“Chicken thieves?!” She sounded not impressed. “This is just really, really unprofessional.” Did she at least think the funny stuff was a little funny? “YOU MEAN THE LIES?” How about the more normal stuff in the beginning? “So boring if you read it outside birds would drop from the sky DEAD FROM BOREDOM.”

Suggested: Talk to Dan & Dickey ASAP and get “actual facts”

Required: Skip funny. Be informative. Stay positive.

Total drudgery. Anyway, I called Dan. He was at a screening. So I called Dickey.

A Not Very Helpful Conversation with Dickey…

Dickey was in one of his still-waters-run-deep moods. Actually, it’d started fun enough. But then I brought up my reason for calling, The About Page, and he got all sniffy – like he hadn’t been read his Miranda rights and was gonna be a real stickler on the point. Here’s what that looks like:

Do you mind if I record this call? – Please don’t.

Oh- well I already am. – Then why’d you ask?

Actually, I’m not sure it’s on- uh- yeah- it is. – Wow. You’re really good at this.

Hold on- I think there’s something wrong with this thing. – Jesus- Just give me the questions.

OK- When was Uncle Lefty officially founded? – 2005 or 2006.

Which one? – Just use either.

Fine, I will. – Fine!

Fine. You first worked out of Dan’s house, right? – Correct.

What style is his house?– I don’t know…maybe it’s a raised ranch.

It’s called a Colonial, dunce. – Are you sure?

Does Dan use all that fitness equipment in his basement? – What do you think?

I don’t think he does. – Wow, what keen journalistic insight, Dan doesn’t use his Thigh Master. A shocking revelation for the Uncle Lefty about page. Do you have any, like, real questions?

I did – but when he put me on hold for, like, 20 minutes, I just hung up and decided to adlib the Dickey section. Which lead me to do the same with Dan’s, which, if you think about it, is pretty unfair because it’s basically penalizing Dan for Dickey’s mistake. But Dickey will just have to live with that.

About Uncle Lefty’s Office…

Uncle Lefty was founded in 2005 or maybe it was 2006 in (grim spoiler alert) Yonkers, New York. Which is where Dan lives in a pretty nice Colonial Style house. But the basement, to hear Dickey tell it: “A real hell hole.” That hell hole was Uncle Lefty’s first office. Historic fact: There was only one chair, so, as legend has it, they lowered the seat on Dan’s exercise bike.

The good news: Uncle Lefty’s office, now in Soho- it’s a sleek poem to efficiency. There’s a large, four sided desk. And if you’re curious: Dan sits at the North Side, Dickey South. Dalya’s West, while Mike sits East, beneath an erasable white board, which is densely organized with weekly to-do’s.

Fun sidenote: Everytime Mike scoots back in his chair, he’s in danger of erasing the bottom half of all to-do’s. This happened a lot in the first few weeks after the whiteboard was installed. It’s not clear whether it affected business. Mike says it did not.

A Shocking Email from Dalya…

“Tick Tock Tick Tock. Wake up & Where is it? You have one (1!) day left until you’ve failed on your last deadline. If you haven’t begun writing, then remember this: Even a friendly nun will crush your nuts if it’s in service to the lord. J 23 hours left, D.”

Dan Answers His Cellphone…

“Hey Man.” He sounded chipper, like he didn’t know anything about Dickey’s bizarre interview antics or James announcement, “Don’t call here again,” or Dalya making vulgar threats. “No, she’s just really passionate about the about project. I mean-we all are. Bigtime.”

Did he have any specific information/advice/hopes or dreams for the about page? “F-train leather, know what I mean? Freestyle. Just take it all the way downtown.” And that’s what I did.

A Confident Email To Dalya (in which I declare sudden, total victory)…

Check it out, Dalya: The Official Uncle Lefty About Page. It’s done & it’s ALL here – the facts, the spark, the original fire. Some people will be burned to cinders by it. But not us. To wit: See the attached & and once you do, there’s not much more to say. Yeah- Uncle Lefty, I think you’re pretty cool. And I mean that in the classic not contemporary sense. Righteous style & righteous swing. You follow the way. See ya– A fan.