Emergency Cobra meeting called for earliest possible date that doesn’t affect Boris Johnson’s weekend plans

In light of the escalating issues around Coronavirus, the government has called an emergency Cobra meeting for Monday, given that Monday is the earliest possible date they could select that didn’t interrupt Boris Johnson’s plans for the weekend.

With more cases diagnosed in the UK, the emergency Cobra meeting has been convened for Monday, because what’s another three days when all that’s happening is a virulent strain of a highly infectious disease that can kill people is threatening to take hold across the country.

A government spokesperson told us, “We recognise the seriousness of the Coronavirus outbreak, which is why we’ve called an emergency Cobra meeting, not just a normal Cobra meeting – the word ’emergency’ should tell you everything you need to know about how serious we’re taking this.

“I mean, yes, we could have held the emergency Cobra meeting this afternoon, but it’s Friday lunchtime, and people are already thinking about the weekend, some of them have been to the pub, so it’s probably not the best environment for clear and critical thinking. Technically, I think Friday afternoon actually counts as the weekend, right?

“The weekend was another possibility, but it’s an emergency Cobra meeting, not an emergency Cobra meeting. Boris likes a lie-in on a Saturday and Sunday, then he’s got to go and see a few of his kids this weekend, which takes most of the two days.

“It’s also quite difficult to enjoy a nice bottle of red wine on a Saturday night when you know you’ve got to get up early in the morning to work, so we thought it best to let Boris enjoy his weekend and push the meeting to Monday. Tuesday at the latest.

“What’s the worst that could happen? Oh, the first Brit has just died from Covid-19? Well, I guess we’ll hear all about that on Monday.”