WASHINGTON (AP) – With recent polls showing that late-entry Democrat candidate Joe Biden is slaughtering the competition with a 32-point lead over his next closest rival, Bernie Sanders, Sanders declared that he will fight back even harder to regain his lead, announcing the launch of a cross-country hair-sniffing tour.

Sanders 2020 campaign manager Faiz Shakir explained the radical shift in strategy.

“We were leading the field for quite a bit,” said Shakir, “so we assumed that all people wanted was an old socialist with two-thirds of Einstein’s hair. Then Biden jumped in and had us by 32 in just a week. We weren’t sure what hit us, but by golly we were determined to hit back!”

Back in the Sanders campaign war room, Shakir – along with the best interns money could buy for $12 an hour – dove into a brainstorming session. What WAS it that Biden had that Sanders didn’t have? Was it his comparative youthfulness? His weird, squinty, pitbull eyes? His new fake teeth? His old fake hair?

“We decided,” Shakir said, “to look at why Biden had been in the news lately, and we agreed there was only one possible explanation: women liked having their hair sniffed by old men.”

With that knowledge in hand, Bernie Sanders embarked on the most ambitious comeback tour since whatever Miley Cyrus does next time she gets out of rehab.

During a stop in South Carolina, Sanders headed up what almost looked like a reverse greeting line, with women walking up backward to him for their follicular whiffing.

“[sniff] Jasmine, saffron, Bulgarian rose… ah… Acqua Di Parma. You should see my campaign manager about hosting a fundraiser for me.”

“[sniff] cheap perfume and dish soap… definitely Suave… guess I don’t need to ask if you’re making a campaign contribution. Free donuts are on the table over there.”

“[sniff] Head & Shoulders.”

“But I don’t use Head & Shoulders,” said the puzzled Bernie fan.

“I know,” said Sanders. “In your case, it was a suggestion.”

Outside the event, we caught up with Matilda Sullivan, a life-long Democrat and frequent Biden sniffee, who appeared somewhat disenchanted by her most recent experience.

“It’s just not the same. Joe’s is the slow, deep, gentle inhale of a favorite, yet slightly creepy uncle. Bernie… it’s just kinda disturbing. A low snuffling sound, like a Nazgul looking for Hobbits.”

Sanders seemed to take the feedback in stride, saying that there was still a lot of time for things to come together and that his national smell-a-thon, like the rest of his campaign, was a work in progress.

“Overall, I think I’ve got a good shot at this,” Sanders said. “I mean, you got the first mainstream socialist who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

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