Detroit based journalist Gary Bartle predicts the sexual preferences of the presidential nominees, based on absolutely nothing.

Can you feel it? The excitement, the pageantry, the unbridled hate for women and minorities. The 2016 Presidential race started the day after Obama began his second term. You can go get your standard coverage at msnbcnnfox, but those talking heads spew more garbage than bros staring at your chest from across the bar. Slutever, however, has all the insider info you’ll need before going into that voting booth (acquired primarily through interviews with DC sex workers, obviously). Below is an (arbitrary) run-down of the sexual preferences of the 2016 nominees, to help you make that important decision. (P.S. Elizabeth Warren, please run.)

1) Donald Trump

The Donald is leading every major poll for the Republican bid for president. That’s right. The man with the most flammable hair in America could be on the ballot.

Favorite sexual position:

Any, so long as a mirror is near.

Most interesting sexual habit:

Can ONLY hatefuck.

Favorite room to have sex in:

A room full of escalators.

Fuckability Score: 1 hairpiece out of 10

2) Rand Paul

He got that Ron Paul stank on him. How else do you explain those curls? The Kentucky senator says he’s a “different kind of Republican.” All that means is he has some good ideas about personal security but still hates women and ppl that aren’t white.

Favorite place to finish:

Your eye.

Favorite song to listen to during sex:

Father Figure.

Hidden sex trait:

Can fill a buster for 13 hours straight. Standing up.

Fuckability Score: 4 Don’t Tread on Me Flags out of 10

3) Jeb Bush

You ever wish Dubya was more articulate, smarter and wishy washy? Me neither, but that’s exactly what his bro is. The former governor of Florida is most likely to be the nominee from the right as long as he can avoid the flaming turds being thrown at him from his partymates.

Dick nickname:

The Peninsula.

What turns him off:

Whatever you do, don’t scream George mid-coitus.

What turns him on:

Scenic photos of Iraq.

Fuckability Score: 5 bath salts out of 10

4) Chris Christie

He wears baseball uniforms the way he sees the government: tiiiiight and all up in your business. If throwing jackets to your assistant before you speak was a quality needed to be president then swear this New Jersey governor in right fucking now.

Favorite sexual position:

Hugging. Just hugging. Anyone want a hug?

Most romantic moment:

Fucked up traffic cuz he was late for a hug appointment.

Favorite naughty thing to wear for that special night:

Huggies.

Fuckability Score: 2 Springsteen albums out of 10

5) John Kasich

Who? Oh. He’s from Ohio. Nothing good or funny happens in Ohio. Sorry, Mr. Buckeye, you’re done.

Has he even had sex?

Probably not. Pretty sure it’s illegal in Ohio.

Fuckability Score: 0hi-O

6) Scott Walker

This Wisconsin governor is only running because he’s survived being recalled. This dude is proud he pissed off 100,000 union members and allies enough to protest his capital building for days on end, so the hard right are right hard for him.

Strictest rule re: sex:

No orgies. Will bust them up no matter what.

Most annoying sexual tendency:

Total Koch addict. Can’t fuck without some Koch talk first.

Dick nickname?

Straw Pole.

Fuckability Score: 2 unemployed teachers out of 10

7) Marco Rubio

The man for whom khakis were invented, this Florida senator is the young gun on the right. He’s of Cuban descent so he could win like a whole 10% of the Latino vote. The thirst is real with this one.

Only demand during sex:

Constant hydration.

Greatest sexual attribute:

He knows all the words to the Will Smith classic, Miami.

Biggest turn on:

Licking your lips.

Fuckability Score: 4 spray tans out of 10

8) Mike Huckabee

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Just no. More like I’d rather fuckabee. A stinger up my ass would be better.

Fuckability Score: G0 away.

9) Hillary Clinton

Would win in a landslide if she still went by Rodham-Clinton. Hillary has been running for president for most of our lives. This meme queen is crushing polls and taking names. Stay out of her way. The only thing that could stop her is some pesky federal indictments. Oops.

Biggest sexual secret:

Paid Monica.

Gutsiest performance:

That new sex tape with Ye and Kim K.

Next biggest sexual secret:

Has an entire house in Little Rock for her leather collection.

Fuckability Score: 6 yaaaasses out of 10

10) Bernie Sanders

A true independent, this fiery Vermont senator isn’t letting Hillary go without a fight. Reportedly drawing bigger crowds than his rival thus energizing a major grassroots campaign. Bald.

Most difficult naughty act:

The man has two volumes, loud and belligerently loud. You want sweet nothings? Look somewhere else.

Strangest venue climaxed in:

Debate stage in Montpelier, 1969. Hasn’t climaxed since.

Best sexual trait?

Will listen to your needs….then yell at you and tell you what you should want.

Fuckability Score: 6 bald caps out of 10

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