This offseason, NBA teams, and more specifically Western Conference teams, have spent loads of money and parted with questionably valued assets in order to close the gap between themselves and Golden State. No one’s really sure if it’s gonna work, and it most likely won’t. So let’s take a look at some teams, both theoretical and real, that may just be able to topple the mighty Warriors.

2003 NBA Draft+Banana Boat

Unfortunately, it was impossible to exclusively include the infamous “Super Friends” squad. Basketball is a game of 5 on 5, and a “Banana Boat” only has space for four NBA stars and Gabrielle Union. Nevertheless, this can still work. 75% of the squad was in the loaded 2003 draft class, so lets put the two together. Would a combination of the two be unfair? Four years ago, maybe (see: Miami Heat). But in 2017? The 2003 class is talented but aged*. A lot has changed since these stars entered the league, such as thankfully, suit quality. What lineup would Luke Walton (class of ’03) bring out to challenge Golden State, and could they overcome the Warriors?

*Five years from now, they will be known as “veteran presences”

The 2018–2019 Houston Rockets/Super Friends

PG: Chris Paul

SG: Dwayne Wade

SF: Lebron James

PF: Carmelo Anthony

C: Chris Bosh

We can already see that LeBron and Co. would keep the game competitive, and provide appealing matchups. Although Paul has notoriously dogged Steph throughout his career, Curry’s recent performances against CP3 suggest that Curry has no issue being defended by one of the premier two-way guards in the league. And D-Wade vs. Klay? Well, D-Wade would get cooked (note: I am an unapologetic Klaytheist). We saw LeBron vs. KD in these very Finals: LeBron is still the best player in the world, and will always get the best out of his surrounding pieces. We cannot take that away from him. But KD is a supernova: he reminded us in The Finals that he is an offensive talent like no other. He reminded us that despite his notoriously thin frame he had enough defensive versatility to guard anyone one through five. And most importantly he made us forget: forget about 3–1 leads and regular season MVPs. The day the Warriors won the championship was the day basketball memes had to succumb to defeat: Kevin Durant was an NBA champion.

At the four is the age-old question: Offense vs Defense. On the offensive side of the floor, Melo has thrived when in the spotlight, as he did at Syracuse and in the Olympics. The level of competition he faced wasn’t exactly up to par with the Warriors — unless one thinks highly of Nikola Jokic joined by zero minutes of NBA action (incoming: Milos Teodosic and Bogdon Bogdanovic!) Nevertheless, it is undeniable Melo has always seemed to step up in the limelight. But how well does he fit into the Super Friends squad? He won’t be designated as the go-to scorer and is the third ball-dominant player on a team that should be more invested in PnRs to go along with a shit-ton of LeBron drive-and-kicks. Simultaneously he’ll square off against reigning DPOY Draymond Green. The advantage here again goes to Golden State. #stayme7o.

And finally, the wonderful Chris Bosh. In September of 2016, Bosh was diagnosed with career-ending blood clots. Obviously, he did not deserve this. Chris Bosh is a class act and an amazing human being. Thankfully last Tuesday, the Heat organization did what was right, and decided that Bosh deserved a graceful departure from the organization. Waived by the team, his #1 will officially hang in the rafters once his career has officially come to a close. For Team Banana Boat, I’m going to say he’s healthy because I can. To keep the general continuity of the scenario, Bosh returns to the level he was at in his most previous season, when he scored about 20 points per game.

Do the Warriors win this series? They have the advantage at 3 out of 5 slots, play a flawless brand of basketball, are in their prime, revolutionized the game of basketball (with all due respect to Darryl Morey) and should only improve upon their performance last season. So yes. Of course they do. An argument could be made that there is not a group of four players whose on-court chemistry is so beautiful that they make you forget that they are allowing Zaza Pachulia to roam the court alongside them.

But maybe, just maybe this is less about who wins or loses, but what is right. Is it right that we call Javale McGee an NBA Champion? Absolutely — he deserves it. But at the same time — my god, team 2003 is stacked with fun and interesting NBA stars. Off the bench, team 2003 has just about everything you want if you’re a basketball fan. They have the two greatest Victory Cigars that have ever graced the end of an NBA bench. First, there is #2 pick Darko Milicic* and #49 pick James “Hey did you know I’ve reached seven straight finals”(you probably did)/“Hey did you know I’m actually LeBron’s favorite player”(you probably didn’t) Jones.

*Milicic, and this is true, took up a career in kickboxing after his NBA career. His career ended with a record of 0–1.

But we don’t stop there. The bench is also headlined by former fan-favorite/Good-Bad MVP Matt Bonner, player favorites Boris Diaw and Luke Walton, Chris “Caveman” Kaman, and yes, an MVP on the bench. Is that MVP Kendrick Perkins? Yes. Is that MVP actually just a Shaqtin MVP? Also yes.

Our Knight in Shining Armor

Steve Blake gets cut from the team because, well, he’s Steve Blake. Also, we’re giving Luke Ridnour the cut. This is because Luke Ridnour holds a record,* but it’s actually a reverse record. Using advanced statistics from basketball reference**, I have concluded that Kendrick Perkins+Matt Bonner>Luke Ridnour+Steve Blake. In fact, we may as well put Luke Ridnour up on the trading block, because he’s kinda used to that by now.**

*The record Luke Ridnour holds is for most games without a dunk.

**I did no such thing.

***If you didn’t know, Luke Ridnour was traded to 5 different teams in the span of one week.

Could they beat the Warriors?

No.

The Houston Rockets

PG: Chris Paul

SG: James Harden

SF: Trevor Ariza

PF: Ryan Anderson

C: Clint Capela

Could They Beat the Warriors?

No. No they could not.*

*I am sorry to all fans of Chris Paul that have clicked on this article. Godspeed.

Kawhi Leonard Team

PG: Kawhi Leonard

SG: Kawhi Leonard

SF: Kawhi Leonard

PF: Kawhi Leonard

C: Kawhi Leonard

The Warriors Apparatus is not just made up of a four impossibly talented superstars, but is actually comprised of a four impossibly talented superstars and one Zaza Pachulia. We all remember what he did in the Western Conference Finals when the Spurs were up by 21:

At the risk of sounding like Skip Bayless, I am of the camp that believes Pachulia’s descendence onto Leonard’s bad ankle was more likely intentional than unintentional. Hell, once the Spurs were still winning with more Kawhis on the team, if given the chance that Zaza would do it again. At this point, the NBA would undeniably hand out a hefty fine and suspension to Zaza that would endure throughout the rest of the series. At this point, with only three Kawhis left, the NBA would be left in panic. Here is where Ice Cube comes through to save the NBA: the series would switch to a Big 3 format. Here’s what we would be left with.

Golden State

Guard: Stephen Curry

Forward: Kevin Durant

Center: Draymond Green

San Antonio

Guard: Kawhi Leonard

Forward: Kawhi Leonard

Center: Kawhi Leonard

I like the Spurs in this one.

Now I know what you may be thinking.“But Kawhi isn’t knowing for his ability to facilitate — ”

But his dunks though.

“The Warriors were one of if not the most dominant team in post-season history — ”*

*Whispers into the microphone: “But his dunks tho.”

But his dunks tho-Anonymous

Could They Beat the Warriors?

Maybe. Probably. I think so. Yes.

Team of Actual Superheroes

PG: Spiderman

SG: Aquaman

SF: Batman

PF: Superman

C: Wonder Woman

Let’s break down each Super-Player

Spiderman: Flashy Pasher, but lacks Basketball IQ and work ethic necessary to elevate his game to the next level; Top tier athleticism, can stick with Steph around off-ball screens; tries to jump passing lanes on defense too often to be considered an elite defender; Slasher.

Aquaman: Wet from three; Former All-American Water Polo All-Star; Gets distracted talking to fish; Not the best off-ball defender; Sharpshooter.

Batman: Weak Link of the team; Not a real superhero; Negatively affects team chemistry; Was considered top level talent out of high school but ended up being a bust; Lucrative contract from team that overpaid him (it was the Lakers), Traded to Superteam in hopes of reaching potential but never lived up to hype.

Superman: Okay in the Low-Post, plays athletic style game, high-level athleticism to space the floor vertically, real lob threat; Lacks range needed for modern day stretch 4; Solid defender; Weakness: Kryptonite, Jumper.

Wonder Woman: Secret Weapon; Bullys opposing centers inside; Strong durable (can’t be injured by Zaza); Stretch 5, Rim-Protector.

You would think that a team of superheroes would win, right? But the truth is, they don’t play well as a superteam. Batman and Superman have previous off-court disputes that translate to a lack of chemistry on the court. They lack a true fourth option to compete with the Warriors. Aquaman is on the wrong side of 30. The team just doesn’t provide enough outside shooting to surround it’s two outside threats in Wonder Woman and Aquaman. W.W. cashes in next off season and signs with the Houston Rockets.

Could They Beat the Warriors?

Superteam, Superman, Supersonics, don’t matter. Warriors in fo’