Being a leader means understanding that people are complicated. Many of us get into management thinking that people are either good employees or bad employees and that they’ll do us the courtesy of wearing flashing signs that makes them easy to separate.

Instead, we leaders are stuck with the unenviable task of dealing with the infinite complexity of the human condition. Too often, this means employees who have a lot of talent, are great at their jobs, but nearly impossible to work with or manage. These are your socially awkward employees, your hygienically challenged employees, and loud/boisterous employees .

There’s a lot of management advice that would tell you to wield the almighty force of consistent documentation and HR consultations against employees that don’t fit your Ideal Employee mold. But how in the hell does that help you? Even with employees that are incredibly difficult and occasionally disruptive, we still value these relationships and their contributions to the team. Discipline forms and HR intervention hurt this relationship and can increase problems, making life worse for everyone.

We have an obligation to address these employees, certainly, but you have to do it in a way that produces positive change in a constructive way. These employees don’t know they’re perceived as difficult because you haven’t told them. And you’re putting it off because you’re worried it won’t go well, or that you don’t know what to say. Your job is to broach these topics directly, compassionately, while leaving room for a productive dialogue.

Are you open to the relationship improving?

What exactly do you want from your employee in this situation? Do you want them to commit to their behavior changing? Do you just want them to be made aware and for them to think about it? Have a specific outcome in mind before you start the conversation. Most times you’re trying to have a crucial conversation with en employee, you’re doing so with the desire to help them understand the unintended consequences their behavior is having on you or the team.This means you need to approach them not as an attacker, but as someone who’s trying to open up a discussion that makes them aware of how their behavior is being perceived and encourages them to make some changes.

Be straight with them

Cut to the chase. State a) the specific situation that you’re referencing, b) the behavior that you’ve observed and c) the impact that it had on you. This SBI format is the best way to give feedback that’s clear and easy to absorb.

Be kind, but be direct so it’s clear what you’re discussing. Be sure to tell them what you want from the discussion. Is there a chance that you get immediate push-back? Yes. But being upfront is going to be your best chance to get through to this person

Example:

Let’s say we’re talking with Susan, who’s been repeatedly disruptive and rude to her peers in team meetings lately.

“Susan, I want to talk to you about something I saw yesterday that has me concerned. I observed that you made a comment that could be interpreted as rude to Mary in our manager meeting. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen you make these comments, and I wanted to talk to you about it because I’m worried about the impact it’s having on the team. I’m hoping that if we talk about these situations, we can find a way to keep this from happening in the future.”

Listen to what they have to say

After you’ve laid out your side of the story, ask them to share their perspective. It’s important that they feel you’re willing to listen to them. The only way to get someone to change their mind on something is through empathy and trust, this comes from effective listening.

Example:

“I’d like to hear your perspective and how you interpret the situations I’m describing”.

Next, ask them what a good outcome would be for them. They need to feel like you’re taking their feelings and perspective into consideration when discussing potential solutions. If you allow them to shape part of the path forward, they’re more likely to stay on it. Also, this challenges them to be solution oriented.

Example:

“It’s important to me that you feel like I’m taking your feelings into consideration as we discuss solutions. What do you see as an optimal outcome here?”

Compromise if you can

This situation will only resolve itself if both of you get what you want. What you want is for this person to be less disruptive to you and the team. If you can offer them concessions to help them feel like it’s a win-win, you’re more likely to get them to willingly make changes to their style/habits.

Have an employee that repeatedly clashes with coworkers? Can you structure their work so they interact with these people less? Someone struggles with forgetting to do things you’ve asked them to do? Can you work out a system where they agree to write things down and make more clear commitments with you agreeing to give them friendly reminders?

This will seem like heresy to some. Part of being a leader means our egos get in the way of making concessions to employees, especially difficult employees.

“But Patrick, it’s the employee’s problem, not mine, why should I have to give anything up?” Because everything is your problem when you’re the leader. You’re trying to have a unified team where everyone is onboard.

Of course there’s a chance that this person won’t be interested in a dialogue or what you have to say. Well okay, then you know that they’re not a fit for your team. But, if you’re not interested in hearing their side of the story at all or admitting that there are things you might do that contribute to the situation, then you have to admit that you’re not actually trying to make the situation any better. You’re just trying to be right

Being a leader means means managing the relationships with your team. Without communication and the ability to have disagreement and hard conversations, you don’t have a relationship. If there’s no relationship, then this person really doesn’t belong on your team.

And that may not be anyone’s fault! Look, sometimes things aren’t a good fit. There doesn’t always have to be someone who is “wrong”. But you do need to expect that these employees can tolerate having a hard conversation with you without losing their minds. Your employees don’t get to choose not to have a dialogue with you just because it makes them uncomfortable. It’s an obligation they inherit as part of taking their paycheck.

If they disagree and want to make you having a challenging conversation a deal-breaker, well there’s your answer. At least you tried

Good luck out there.

-Patrick

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