Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.

Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.

Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.

Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.

Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.

Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.

Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) is Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.

Affogato is Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.

The Café Bombón is Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee and at others sweetened condensed milk.

The Caffè Americano is a form of Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.

The Café miel violates Canon 57 of the Council in Trullo, “for it is not right to offer honey and milk” in one’s coffee.

The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nation’s gods.

The Doppio (espresso + espresso) is Monothelite, permitting only one will to dominate.

WHAT IS AN EGGNOG LATTE I DON’T EVEN.

Half-Caf is another form of Adoptionism, being a hybrid of disparate natures.

The Pharisäer (drip coffee + 2 shots rum + whipped cream) is nothing but sheer Antinomianism.

The Red Eye (drip coffee + 1 shot espresso) is Ebionite, for it would swallow up pure faith in the Law.

A rigorist exclusivism for Fair Trade Coffee is a form of Donatism, insisting that only sinless hands may produce a true beverage.

“Coffee is bad for you”: The watchwords of the Iconoclast.

The fellow who just keeps adding sugar to his over-roasted Pike’s Peak[*] is surely a Pelagian.

Here endeth the caffeination. Ite, caffe est.

[*] Yes, we know the Starbuck’s brand is “Pike Place,” but we chose the common malapropism to illustrate the futility of heresy.