Awful year, really. Whether you were a sports fan or just someone who enjoys reading the news, there was plenty to make you reach for the bottle, or the remote, or the power cord. We could all just live in the woods, right? Except, the mosquitos. So, that won’t work.

But even in the bad times, it helps to laugh. Otherwise, what is there? So, here is an incomplete collection of the funniest sports quotes of the year. See if it helps.

JANUARY

“Being from Oakland all I knew about him is he punched people. That’s my kind of person.”

— Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch, on Seahawks offensive line coach Tom Cable

“I just taste for the first time a smoothie . . . MAN GOD BLESS AMERICA.”

— Greek rookie Giannis Antetokounmpo of the Milwaukee Bucks, on Twitter

“Torts told us they were starting their idiots over there, so we had to match that.”

— Vancouver Canucks winger Tom Sestito, after a game-opening brawl between the Canucks and Calgary in which both coaches started tough guys, Sestito included

“So weird to see free-standing penalty boxes with nobody sitting behind them. Truly a glass case of emotion now.”

— Greg Beacham of The Associated Press, during the Ducks-Kings outdoor game

“If someone asks you a question, you’re emotionally imbalanced at that time and you feel an urge to tell the truth.”

— Kenny Shiels, manager of Greenock Morton of the Scottish League, on giving up post-game interviews

“Everybody here has been nice to me. It’ll take a little getting used to.”

— Twins pitcher Phil Hughes, on adjusting to Minnesota after seven years with the New York Yankees

“Now I have to thank my team. Max, agent, make me rich, thanks a lot.”

— Tennis star Li Na, in her on-court speech after winning the Australian Open

Li Na entertains the crowd with a funny speech after her women's singles final victory. Li defeated Cibulkova to take out her first Australian Open crown 7-6(3) 6-0. Subscribe: http://bit.ly/AustralianOpenTV

“Our offices are closed today due to icy roads. Yes we recognize the irony that the Road Warriors Hockey team doesn’t want to brave icy roads.”

— Tweet from the Greenville Road Warriors, the New York Rangers’ ECHL affiliate

“If the Leafs fire Carlyle, the headline’s gotta be ‘Randy’s toast.’”

— Nick Cotsonika of Yahoo Sports, on Toronto’s appearance in HBO’s 24/7

“I think I might’ve enjoyed myself watching the State of the Union more. No, probably not.”

— Florida Panthers goaltender Tim Thomas, after losing 6-2 to Boston, which was his team when he refused to visit the White House

FEBRUARY

“Would you mind walking 250 yards further forward?”

— Billy Foster, the caddie for Lee Westwood at the World Match Play Championships, to a fan after Westwood hit a tee shot that bounced into the woman’s sweater

“Also on the bright side: I just washed my face with Evian, like I’m a Kardashian or something.”

— Stacy St. Clair of the Chicago Tribune, after tweeting a picture of malodorous, yellow tap water in a Sochi mountain hotel

“I’m seeing images of these frightful Sochi hotel rooms and I’m thinking ‘You know what you needed, Russia? More gays.’ ”

— Tabatha Southey of the Globe and Mail

“There’s absolutely no truth to the rumour that the winner of U.S.-Russia game gets to pick Ukraine’s next Prime Minister.”

— Mark MacKinnon of the Globe and Mail, at the Olympics

“Four years ago I was drunk on a couch and said I wanna go to the Olympics. Four years later I’m drunk on a couch at the Olympics.”

— Canadian bobsledder Tim Randall, after his events were done

“Speaking of medals, the United States hockey team had no trouble getting through the airport metal detector.”

— David Letterman, after the Olympics

MARCH

“No. I like challenges, but I’m not stupid.”

— Rafael Nadal, asked if he was happy that Novak Djokovic existed, after losing to him in the final of the Sony Open

“Is it going to be hard in two years, when you’re no longer president, and people will stop letting you win at basketball?”

— Zach Galifianakis to U.S. President Barack Obama, in his Between Two Ferns series

“Tommy John is probably glad he wasn’t the first person to undergo a vasectomy.”

— Matt Sussman, @suss2hyphens on Twitter, on the namesake of Tommy John surgery

“Not that it mattered much before, but is there a Paralympic truce?”

— Nikolaus von Twickel, Moscow correspondent for Deutsche Presse-Agentur, on Russia invading Ukraine after the Olympics were done

“You can’t control crazy. That’s why they’re crazy.”

— Hawaii basketball coach Gib Arnold, after a UC Santa Barbara fan rushed across the court to confront him during a game

“Yesterday No. 12 seed Harvard beat No. 5 seed Cincinnati. Harvard students haven’t been this excited since the last time they told someone they go to Harvard.”

— Late-night talk show host Jimmy Fallon

APRIL

“Did someone tell you that I gave them a motivational speech? They lied to you.”

— San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, during his team’s seven-game first-round victory over the Dallas Mavericks

“If you pay $7,500, you ought to be able to bring out a quesadilla.”

— Skier Bode Miller, after he was asked to surrender his lunch when he attended the Masters

“What, you mean like blood pressure?”

— Minnesota Wild goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov, asked if there was more pressure on him in the playoffs

“Will it be called ‘You Can Play: Down Under’? No because that sounds vaguely inappropriate.”

— You Can Play co-founder Patrick Burke, announcing an anti-homophobia initiative in Australia

“Magic Johnson isn’t good enough? A man so universally respected, even HIV doesn’t want to bring him down?”

— Larry Wilmore of The Daily Show, on Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s racist rant about his girlfriend posing for a picture with Magic Johnson

“Every time I get tested for steroids reminds me of the elderly lady at the airport that TSA pulls out of line for a pat down.”

— Matt Hasselbeck, backup quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts

“His future — and his hair — are quite incredible.”

— Philadelphia 76ers coach Brett Brown on generously coiffed prospect Nerlens Noel

“I meet with my coaches out on the court and they tell me what they think we should do. I ignore them, go back to the bench and tell the players what I think they should do. They ignore me and go out and do whatever they want to do.”

— Los Angeles Clippers coach Doc Rivers, on coaching

“It’s just funny. I never do that. But unfortunately I’ve done it twice in the last little bit here.”

— Milan Lucic of the Boston Bruins, on spearing opponents in the groin twice in three weeks

“Really? I’m shocked that Bryan Colangelo would say that.”

— Brooklyn Nets forward Paul Pierce, after Toronto Raptors general manager Masai Ujiri said “F--- Brooklyn” before their first-round playoff series

MAY

“I probably should have taken more notes in that class.”

— Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods’s ex-wife, during a graduation speech at Rollins College, on taking a Communication and the Media course just before the breakup

“At Milan, they treated me like a king. People were courteous, welcoming and always willing to help. At a restaurant, in France, you sit down and not only do they make you wait for a very long time, but they treat you badly. It was disconcerting, but now I’ve adapted: if someone treats me badly, I treat them badly in return. I’m a real Parisian now.”

— Defender Thiago Silva, on moving to Paris Saint-Germain

“I didn’t mean to. I thought you were Marchy.”

— Montreal Canadiens defenceman P.K. Subban on the ice to Boston’s Patrice Bergeron, teammate of pest Brad Marchand, after Bergeron asked why Subban punched him in the head

“Don’t talk unless it makes you money.”

— Chicago Blackhawks defenceman Niklas Hjalmarsson, on what the doctor told him after he was hit in the throat with a puck

“Donald Sterling’s girlfriend said she’s going to be president of the United States one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.”

— Jimmy Fallon, after the Clippers owner was run out of the NBA

“Donald Sterling has now been banned for life. That’s ironic. This guy has been blacklisted.”

— David Letterman

JUNE

“The good thing is we haven’t had resources to pay attention to the advanced stats.”

— Arizona Coyotes general manager Don Maloney, on newly acquired Sam Gagner coming with some troubling advanced statistics

“I’ll kill Luis if he sends me again, but I’m ready to play tomorrow.”

— Hefty Toronto Blue Jays catcher Dioner Navarro, after being waved all the way around the bases by third base coach Luis Rivera before being thrown out at home

“Tomorrow, I will see Belgium put in its place. Wherever that is. I don’t know. I have an American public-school education.”

— Brian Phillips of Grantland, before Belgium played the Americans in the World Cup

“To be fair to Luis Suarez, I can’t resist an Italian sub either.”

— Jason Gilbert, an editor at Yahoo Tech, after Uruguay’s Luis Suarez bit reserve defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy in the World Cup

“Eat some more ice cream.”

— 11-year-old Lucy Li, on her plans after missing the cut at the U.S. Open, interviewed while eating an ice cream cone

“To New York fans: Good luck extending the Stanley Cup finals another game! To L.A. fans: The Stanley Cup finals is a hockey series.”

— Comedian Bryan Donaldson, during the Stanley Cup final

“We’re in the middle of the World Cup. Nobody cares.”

— San Antonio Spurs guard Manu Ginobili, after winning the NBA championship, on how his home country of Argentina would react

JULY

“If you see me hugging, kissing a cheerleader after a game, don’t worry. If it’s two or three, there’s a problem.”

— Arizona football coach Rich Rodriguez, on his daughter becoming a school cheerleader

“Ball was higher than my boobs, and not my old boobs.”

— Natalie Punto, wife of Oakland Athletic infielder Nick Punto, after her husband was called out on strikes to end a 3-2 loss to Seattle

“Man, if this P.K. Subban saga drags on much longer, Montrealers are going to take up smoking.”

— Adam Proteau of The Hockey News, on the Canadiens defenceman’s contract negotiations

“Well, until today, he was unemployed, so he may be in the HR office filling out paperwork.”

— Maverick Carter, the business manager for LeBron James, on why his friend skipped the Teen Choice Awards after signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers

“Out of habit, the German players are going to try to hide on the Argentinian sidelines.”

— Sean Gentille of The Sporting News, during the World Cup final

“NFL releases new study on dangers of concussions in youth soccer.”

— The Onion

AUGUST

“Walking on the beach this morning, doing a little thinking when I saw footprints in the sand. Reminded me of the poem Footprints in the Sand.”

Loading... Loading... Loading... Loading... Loading... Loading...

— Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari, on Twitter

“ ‘Absolute power corrupts absolutely,’ thought Carl, the engineer in charge of outlet placement for Westin hotels.”

— Pitcher Brandon McCarthy, on Twitter

“I made a poor decision regarding the limits of my alcohol intake.”

— Aaron Cruden, New Zealand rugby player, after being dropped from the All Blacks lineup for missing a flight

“To provide arena security, hires Ferguson, Missouri police department.”

— From David Letterman’s Top Ten Signs Your Team Owner Is Nuts

“NBA rules are clear that you get $25K for tampering, $10K for tinkering, $5K for fiddling about, and a stern warning for gettin’ in the mix.”

— Twitter’s @GourmetSpud, on the Raptors being fined $25,000 for Drake tampering with Oklahoma City’s Kevin Durant

“I don’t like getting spanked. There are special clubs for that. I don’t go to them.”

— Pascal Dupraz, the coach of Évian Thonon Gaillard in France’s Ligue 1, after a 6-2 loss to Rennes

SEPTEMBER

“You know things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter, a man whose employer ran a story this week titled ‘Nicki Minaj Bamboobles Her Ass Critics.’”

— HBO’s John Oliver, after NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was scooped by TMZ on the Ray Rice tape

“500 yards and 17 points don’t really go together. It’s like having dessert before dinner. Which I like to do. Because it shows I’m in control of my life and not my parents.”

— Chicago Bears tight end Martellus Bennett, after a loss to Green Bay

“No, do you know where Alabama is?”

— Sacramento Kings centre DeMarcus Cousins, playing for Team USA, asked before a game by a foreign reporter if he knew where Slovenia was

“When he first came out, I thought he was an alien from Prometheus.”

— Los Angeles Clipper guard J.J. Redick, on the birth of his first child

“No. I know it’s 30 per cent tax. That makes me very sad.”

— Serbian tennis player Aleksandra Krunic, asked if she knew how much money she made by losing in the U.S. Open quarter-finals

“Jeter’s like, “OK . . . 11 a.m. . . . Let’s go, people . . . 29 Kittens That Look Like Andy Pettitte.”

— Jason Gay, on Derek Jeter starting his own website

“The situation in the NFL is awful. It’s gotten so bad that even the Redskins want to change the commissioner’s name.”

— David Letterman

OCTOBER

“Depressed Billy Beane drinks a case of beer with the most efficient alcohol-to-cost ratio.”

— Sportspickle.com, after Beane’s Oakland Athletics lost a wild wild-card game to Kansas City

“A virgin.”

— Golfer Rory McIlroy, on what he would have been had he not gone into golf

“Oh, I see. Because the Oilers stole Maple Leafs idea of never making the playoffs, Toronto steals Edmonton’s sweater toss. Real mature.”

— Rob Tychkowski of the Edmonton Sun

“Hopefully, we have windows on that son of a bitch.”

— Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians, on whether he was worried the team bus would get egged in Oakland

“I just found out Canada has its own government. Even more shocking, it’s not led by Wayne Gretzky. Separation of church and state, I guess.”

— Stephen Colbert

“They played a great job.”

— New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, on New England’s offensive line

“This Sabre tank job is like the guy who calls in sick by claiming he has ebola of the smallpox. Maybe rein it in a bit to keep it realistic.”

— Sean McIndoe of Grantland, better known as Down Goes Brown

“I thought that was his name. When I found out that it wasn’t, I just kept calling him Ray.”

— Chicago Bulls guard Aaron Brooks, on why he calls teammate Doug McDermott “Ray.”

“A Toronto tradition passed from father to son: leaving a ‘Leafs lost’ note on my sleeping boy’s desk just as my Dad did on mine.”

— Robert Benzie of the Toronto Star

“I just go up to the refs, most of the refs are good, actually all of them. They’ll warn me first ‘Ah, cut that out, don’t do this, don’t bite them, stuff like that.’ ”

— Steven Adams of the Oklahoma City Thunder

“If you’re reading this from Lincoln Financial Field and you see a female carrying a prosthetic leg that probably isn’t hers, call 9-1-1.”

— Pressbox announcement during an Eagles-Giants game, during which a veteran’s artificial leg was stolen. It was later recovered.

“I’m sick of sports commentators saying ‘You couldn’t write a script like this.’ If people can write scripts about dystopian futures where life is in fact a simulation made by sentient machines to harness humans’ heat and electricity as an energy source, they can probably write ones about Gary Taylor-Fletcher scoring a last minute equalizer against Stoke.”

— From a letter ascribed to an emailer named “Joey” and published in England’s parody-heavy Viz magazine

NOVEMBER

“I guess take the tape off it and use it in practice.”

— Trevor van Riemsdyk of the Chicago Blackhawks, on what he’ll do with the puck from the first goal of his NHL career that was awarded, after the fact, to someone else

“We tried everything. We played four white guys and an Egyptian.”

— Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino, on whether his team ran up the score in beating Savannah State 87-26

“Your brain. I think it’s brain, is more important (than iPads). Don’t forget — you have a lot of those things. But I’m joking. iPod, probably.”

— New York Islanders centre Mikhail Grabovski, on what you need to have on a long road trip

“Tell my kids I play for the Bills.”

— From Letterman’s Top 10 Things Overheard In The Jets’ Locker Room

“We have lost George Clooney. I think that’s enough for this year.”

— Brooklyn Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov, on his promise to get married if the Nets didn’t win a title within five seasons

“I guess you’ve got to throw it just bad enough where they’ve got to make a great catch.”

— New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, on throwing memorable passes to David Tyree and Odell Beckham Jr.

“The Martin deal should help convince my two-year-old that working on his pitch framing is more important than another episode of Curious George.”

— Ex-major league pitcher Brian Bannister, on Toronto signing catcher Russell Martin to a five-year, $82-million deal

“We’re gonna go with that Bumgarner guy.”

— New York Jets coach Rex Ryan, on his quarterbacks

DECEMBER

“A MLB umpire has revealed he’s gay. Or as he put it, I’M OUT.”

— Stephen Colbert, on MLB umpire Dale Scott

“Pressing my luck.”

— Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth to a state trooper asking what he was doing going 105 m.p.h.

“I will wait till you’re done, then say no. I opt not to be rude.”

— Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim general manager Jerry Dipoto, on handling trade offers for Mike Trout

“The best thing that could be going through my mind, which was nothing.”

— Washington Capitals winger Eric Fehr, on what was going through his mind on a breakaway

“That is just wrong. Why would anyone surrender to the Raiders?”

— Colbert on St. Louis Rams receivers protesting with the Hands Up, Don’t Shoot gesture before a game against Oakland

“That question is really above my pay grade. All I’m not paid to do is play.”

— Baylor quarterback Bryce Petty, on whether he thinks the NCAA playoff system is the right system

Read more about: