WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at.

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