It's not been a great time for Shinji Kagawa. Last season, he had to sit there injured, then out of position, then on the substitutes bench, while maestros like Antonio Valencia and Ashley Young were selected ahead of him and the pals he forsook in Dortmund reached the Champions League final. Oh. But no matter. In the summer, Wayne Rooney would be leaving Old Trafford, and he would snaffle his spot.

Enter David Moyes, who, rather than clear the metaphorical steamer left on his desk, chose instead to worship it. Oh. "They tell me how good he is", he later declared when donating Kagawa an out-of-position League Cup start, before blaming the same source we for saying similar about the similarly unrated Rafael da Silva and similarly unrated squad, which had stormed to the title only because everyone else was appalling. It also told him how long Alex Ferguson had waited to earn his first trophy and title, but neglected to point out his inheriting a team close to the bottom, rather than miles ahead at the top.

Anyway, like a man with noses for eyes and buttocks for words, Moyes has been unable to get any use whatsoever out of Kagawa, who then managed to eat himself into hospital, and now appears to be on his way out of Manchester. Besiktas are keen to take him in the summer, and Borussia Dortmund would also like him back – clearly, Moyes has comprehensively had over the useless Jürgen Norbert Klopp here. And United would especially like this, as they want the injured Ilkay Gündogan in exchange.

But that is not all. After failing in his bids to sign Gareth Bale, Cesc Fábregas, Cristiano Ronaldo, Arturo Vidal, Paul Pogba and God El-Shaddai, Moyes set his Football Manager to novice level, and it came up with Harrison Reed of Southampton. Reed is 19, and has made five appearances for the club, four of those as substitute, but has orange hair like Paul Scholes.

And United may also get to sign Sami Khedira – if they've not insulted him beyond redemption by thinking of him only while desperately flapping at the end of the summer. Khedira is one of several players Real Madrid would like to get gone – others are Iker Casillas, who interests Arsenal, and Ángel di María, who might be forced to Spurs.

Meanwhile, David Beckham, who pesky They forgot to inform Moyes remains a better midfielder than Marouane Fellaini, would like Xavi to come and play for His Ami. This would not happen immediately – Xavi's contract runs out in 2016, and he plans to be honoured by it – but it is thought that the franchise will not be ready to go until 2017.

Elsewhere, Manchester City are said to be interested in the purchase of San Lorenzo's striker Angel Correa. Once again justifying the expense of the £330m Etihad Campus, modelled on the home of Tom and Barbara Good in order to make the club self-sufficient, City might be prompted to make a bid because Atlético Madrid have done so already. Barcelona, Napoli and Arsenal are also paying attention.

And City also fancy their chances of signing luckiest man in football Victor Valdés. After a generation of hardly ever having to expose his incompetence by hiding behind a defence that hardly ever had to expose its incompetence by virtue of playing in the most dominant team of all-time, some have failed to notice his inability to keep goal well. Valdés is due to leave Barcelona at the end of the season, and was expected to join Monaco, but City believe they can "persuade" him that the grass is greener in Manchester. Which is it, because it rains more and shines less. No doubt the skills of persuasion that have brought David Moyes such great success in both transfer market and dressing room will be sufficient to secure the long-term services of David de Gea – they do, after all, share a first name.

Otherwise, José Mourinho is up to some stuff – he'd like to take Dorian Gray-Zanetti from Internazionale, as player-coach. And Spurs fancy buying his young striker, Patrick Bamford, currently out on loan - along with 52,398 other Chelsea players.