If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious .

LDS Church Announces Acquisition of Westboro Baptist Church-(Marketwired - Nov 15, 2015) - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints ("LDS church") is very pleased to announce the acquisition of the Westboro Baptist Church ("WBC" or "Westboro"), a critically acclaimed anti-LGBTQ religion. Founded in 1991 by the late Fred Phelps, the Westboro Baptist Church was an early pioneer in the market for anti-gay memes, such as "God hates fags," "Planes crash, god laughs," and "Thank God for dead soldiers."

"Defending traditional marriage from the very real threat posed by consenting adults of the same sex entering into committed relationships is such an important part of all our lives and holds a special place within our hearts in the church," said D. Todd Christofferson, an LDS church spokesman. "That's why we have kept investing in the fight against same-sex marriage in the aftermath of the Supreme Court's recent ruling legalizing the practice. With Westboro, we are bringing an extraordinary team into the One True Fold, which will help us continue to create the most anti-gay religion in the world, and the only church granted the authority to act in God's name on earth."

"At first, I thought Mormons worshiped Joseph Smith and would one day bring down God's wrath in the form of literal fire and brimstone falling over the Salt Lake valley," said Steve Drain, who has served as Supreme Leader of WBC since he led an effort that resulted in the excommunication of the church's founder for apostasy. "But then I read the transcript from a talk from Elder Packer in 1993 that identified the gay-lesbian movement, the feminist movement and so-called intellectuals as the primary enemies of the LDS church. That got me thinking that maybe they might not be so bad. Now that the LDS church is imposing formal sanctions against the children of gay-married people, I know in my heart that WBC belongs with the Mormons."

"Defending the church against popular ideas of marriage has been an important part of the LDS church's DNA since polygamy," said Mitt Romney, former Mormon congregation leader and failed presidential candidate, who advised on the deal. "The addition of WBC will make the LDS church's anti-gay lineup even better. The synergy between the incredible LDS idea distribution infrastructure and WBC's content creation capabilities is staggering."

The LDS church and WBC expect the transaction to close in fiscal Q4.

The LDS church has announced that the combined entity will retain the existing LDS brand, and all WBC members will become temple recommend-holding members of the LDS church, effective once the transaction closes. The church said it would announce doctrinal changes, received by revelation from Jesus Christ Himself, during the upcoming general conference in April 2016 (subject to regulatory approval).