Republicans Propose “New Oil Deal” as Alternative to “Green New Deal”

Congress may soon vote on an alternative to the Green New Deal, a resolution introduced by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and sponsored by prominent democrats to address climate change and income inequality in America. The New Oil Deal, as its authors call it, would make America fully dependent on oil, coal, and natural gas within a decade. To achieve this it would ban all green technology until 2040 and heavily subsidize oil and coal companies.

State Representatives Stan T. Davis (R-WV) and Tim Clark (R-TX) spent months drafting the details and believe they have a bill that will revitalize America’s workforce and build wealth for all income groups. The New Oil Deal isn’t so much an alternative as a counter argument, dismissing climate concerns in favor of economic growth.

Key provisions in the New Oil Deal:

100% energy dependence on oil, coal, and natural gas by 2030

a corporate jobs guarantee in a coal mine

a four trillion dollar tax cut and subsidy for the oil and coal industries

a gasoline tax to fund fossil fuel technology research

a ban on all green energy, including automated technologies, for 20 years

an expansion of the second amendment

Republicans have vehemently opposed the Green New Deal, which proposes a federal jobs guarantee, near total reliance on green energy, the elimination of America’s carbon footprint, and universal healthcare. It is estimated to cost anywhere from 18-90 trillion dollars, depending on whom you ask. Critics call the plan unrealistic and too expensive, but until now they have had no answer to it.

“We have a plan that will actually produce results,” said Representative Davis, who is in Washington this week meeting with key republican senators, including Mitch McConnell. “Coal and natural gas in particular are clean, safe, and abundant. They’re also cheap, and they’ll get cheaper. The democrats want to bankrupt the country with an ineffective plan that would do nothing but further centralize government power. We want to build wealth for Americans and create jobs.”

Davis, who owns several coal mines in West Virginia and has over thirty years of experience in the industry, says there will be such an energy boom in the coming years that we won’t have enough people to harness it. “That’s why I have begun negotiations to guarantee every American who needs a job a place in a mine.”

He also said that any medical conditions acquired during that work would be partially paid for by a specialized insurance program setup by the coal industry. In addition, he argues that the switch to fossil fuels will create a 16 trillion dollar surplus over the next decade.

“Imagine you had a million dollars in a suitcase underneath your bed. What sounds better? Eliminate the dollar and use a new currency, or spend that money first?”

Representative Clark agreed: “There are trillions of dollars in resources underneath our feet. If we don’t use ’em, we lose ’em.”

“It will be 20 years of incredible wealth building,” said Davis. “Maybe we can get to the green technologies at some point, when we run out of fossil fuels, but let’s do one thing at a time. Right now, taking advantage of our abundant resources just makes sense.”

Clark worked in the oil industry for over twenty years before he joined congress, and he says he knows a thing or two about energy. “I got a nephew up at Baylor that bought one of those electric cars, and that thing can’t go 50 miles without needing an eight hour charge. I still give him hell about it every time I see him. That’s his sister, Connie, behind all that, but listen, the point is that all this green technology mess is a pipe-dream. Wind, solar, and electric are all weak, and they’ll never have the power of gas or coal.”

Clark’s bill would require all commercial buildings, private housing, and other infrastructure to be refitted with oil or coal powered electricity and natural gas heating and cooling if they are not already. He says any upfront costs will be offset by cheaper utility bills down the road.

“I call it the triple threat,” said Clark. “With coal, natural gas, and petroleum powering our great nation, we will see prosperity like never before.”

In a provision certain to stir even more controversy, the bill also calls for an expanded second amendment, relaxing background checks and easing restrictions on buying most firearms.

“I’m not going to give all the details here, but I can tell you this. You won’t have to worry about a bunch of liberals coming for your guns,” he said with a chuckle.

Clark estimates that the United States GDP could increase by up to 50% under his plan. He reasons that the surplus energy will eventually be sold to other nations. There’s also the added gas tax, which some republicans don’t like, but Clark says not to worry:

“I hate taxes as much as the next guy, but this isn’t some extra money that’s going to be wasted by the government. It will go directly to companies like Exxon to further innovate fuel technologies. They’ve got the scientists and the know how.”

When asked if he was concerned about the climate, the congressman laughed. “Last winter my truck broke down on the highway in Kansas and I almost froze to death waiting for roadside assistance. No, I’m not worried.”

When pressed that the last five years have been the hottest on record, he shrugged. “And the next five might be the coldest. To think we can affect a planet that is billions of years old is the height of arrogance.”

The democratic response has been forceful. Protests have been called for in major cities, and the DNC will undoubtedly offer a full rebuttal for every argument supporting the resolution.

One democratic congresswoman said the New Oil Deal is the most insane thing she has ever seen in her career. “This would set this country back centuries while China and others leave us in the dust. How can we have economic growth when half the country is uninhabitable?”

Democrats needn’t worry yet, though. The resolution must first pass committee, where it could undergo changes, and will then move to the floor of the House of Representatives for further debate and a possible vote.

With both the Green New Deal and the New Oil Deal introduced, the lines have been drawn, and America’s future may be decided by which one prevails.