In these hectic times, very few of us make an effort to take proper care of our bodies. Here are some tips to start you down the path of more healthy living:

Remove salt lick from den



Give your heart a well-deserved break—re-route circulatory system so your blood is pumped by your pancreas



Just because you're at work doesn't mean you can't get some exercise; carry your desk with you on your lunch hour out



Implant back-up heart in ass; if heart fails, use back-up ass-heart



Avoid fruits—the bright colors can shock your system and strain heart



Use loud, forceful coughs to expel cholesterol from heart



Rape a wild boar



If you're too full to finish your meal, don't; save it in your cheeks until later



For 10 minutes a day, let deep-fried foods drain before eating



Remove heart each night and soak it in some Polident



Buy expensive exercise apparel until you don't have enough money to eat



Reduce your fat intake; order your next hot fudge sundae without the ham chunks



Lunging at strangers with a bat can burn up to 100 calories an hour



Get the heart-healthy nutrients you need by eating the hearts of your enemies



Vigorously masturbate while watching aerobics videos



Become a butterfly

