The American public needs to wake up to the most sinister plot ever levied against our great nation: the Heterosexual Agenda. Figures in the media, universities, and schools continue to push this unhealthy lifestyle choice on our vulnerable youth. The damage caused by this choice is undeniable.

Almost all teen pregnancies and unintended pregnancies are caused by irresponsible, reckless people who have been convinced that heterosexual activity is somehow acceptable. The need for birth control and its associated medical industry is necessitated by wanton heterosexuals.

Choosing to engage in the heterosexual lifestyle is harmful to children. Recent studies of lesbian parents found zero substantiated cases of child abuse. Most documented cases of child abuse, poverty, and neglect are a result of heterosexuals who refuse to take responsibility for their promiscuity.

The United States pays a heavy price for heterosexual behavior. In 2015 the Federal Government spent $8 Billion year supporting state level child welfare services, and $6 Billion more feeding the unfortunate offspring who resulted from the scourge of heterosexual acts. In 2012, states spent over $28 Billion on welfare to clean up the financial mess created by irresponsible, self-proclaimed "heterosexuals."

Heterosexual pressure on vulnerable, impressionable youth is omnipresent. Nowhere can it be seen more than in the relentlessly conservative movie industry. In 2015, you could count the number of movies featuring healthy lesbian and gay relationships on your fingers, and still have digits to spare. Heterosexual relationships are portrayed in nearly every movie, without ever addressing the astounding harm they cause. Meanwhile, Poe and Finns' relationship in "The Force Awakens" is left at no more than a lip bite.

Militant heterosexuals have abused the law to spread their agenda. The heterosexual mafia have formed secretive organizations around the nation to forcibly indoctrinate youth into the heterosexual lifestyle. They have abused the Constitution to make religions out of pulling youth into their "death cults" of heteronormativity, yet claiming religious freedom when rightly accused abducting and brainwashing youth.

Inside these "religious" based re-education camps children are forced to endure endless hours of chanting, memorizing heterosexualist propaganda, punished for questioning dogma, and rewarded with a little extra "freedom" for successfully parroting the propaganda.. Eventually, those who have been turned are used as adults by these "churches" as willing slave labor to go out and recruit the next generation of victims.

When confronted about their so-called heterosexual identities, purveyors of the heterosexual agenda can only offer up lame, liberal rationales for their self-destructive behavior. Heterosexualists often say that people are born this way, without offering any scientific proof. Instead, they give only subjective evidence like "I always knew," or "I experimented in college but it just wasn't me."

Most militant heterosexuals claim they can't change, because God made them that way. Yet somehow, when asked if they ever tried being homosexual, they vehemently deny it. As a result, these self-proclaimed "heterosexuals" have never even made the attempt to be gay, yet claim that change is impossible. They are like petulant children screaming they hate a particular food, without ever actually having tried it.

The goal of the heterosexual agenda should be clear by now: to ensure that every single child in America is corrupted into heterosexuality, one by one. They use the media, religious brain washing, and coercive behavioral modification to convince these children they have no choice but heterosexuality. When anyone tries to leave this deadly lifestyle it results in social, economic, and physical exile from the cult that they have become dependent on. Survival is based on complete and utter orthodoxy.

But there is hope for our children. Getting them involved in wholesome, appropriate activities can prevent them from being consumed by the heterosexual agenda. For example, introduce your boys to musical theater, men's fashion, and the complete works of Barbara Streisand early. Getting girls involved in fast-pitch softball, LPGA golf, and vocational summer camps for arc-welding will help prevent bad lifestyle choices.

Impressionable children should know about the danger of strangers knocking at your door, particularly when Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons have been seen lurking in the neighborhood. Protect kids from the unhealthy influences of heteronormative movies like Titanic, or The Notebook. Provide them with role models like George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres.

Sometimes, confused youth will express heterosexual attractions. The appropriate response is to tell them you love them, but that this sort of thing isn't acceptable in your house. If they persist in these assertions, you should consider sending them to theater camp. The success rate of these institutions has been phenomenal, and largely ignored by the conservative media and a conspiracy of biased scientists.

Remember above all, only you can prevent the heterosexual agenda.

(Note: This article is a work of satire meant for April Fool's Day. It should not be taken seriously. By anyone. Really.)