It’s time for another weekly installment of PETTY FANBOY GRIPES, the internet’s one stop shop for all of the whiny opinions that you kinda, sorta care about. This round we’ll dive into Captain America’s suit and its evolution from his first outing in THE FIRST AVENGER to his follow up in Joss Whedon’s predictably titled THE AVENGERS.

If you hearken back to the glory days of ol’ Steve Rogers (the Cinematic Universe variety), you’ll remember that he was a badass, Nazi whooping soldier from World War II. In between slaying the evil German war machine and banging the very voluptuous Peggy Carter (who was an Aryan stomping bamf in her own right), he never really had time to design a “froo froo” costume to match his inner patriotism. Instead, he relied on Howard Stark’s ingenuity, which was primarily focused on function, and not obnoxiously bright stars and stripes. Of course, Cap had some input, calling for a bit of blue here, a dash of red there, but nothing TOO callous.

Look below and you’d realize that TFA suit is pretty damn fitting for battle. It’s built with jointed armored pads, a belt for ammunition, and straps for parachuting and other nifty activities. Most importantly, it’s perfect for a World War II soldier, which is the most iconic aspect of Captain America.

Fast forward to THE AVENGERS. Nick Fury wakes the Capsicle (as Tony Stark so affectionately refers to him) and poor Rogers is thrown into a world of blond Lightning-wielding gods and Gamma powered beasts. As Agent Phil Coulson states, it’s a world in desperate need of some “old fashioned”, which is partially realized in Cap’s new suit.

Isn’t it just so… cheesy? The comic book version of Captain America’s suit, with all of its flamboyance, looks more fitting than this Whedon monstrosity (don’t hate me Whedonites! I love him too, just not this decision). The colors are far too bright and contrasting when standing next to the more realistic presence of Iron Man or Hawkeye. Hell, even Thor looks more believable on screen. And how about the functionality? What exactly is the purpose of those bright blue pouches? Modern Cap no longer uses a gun, so why does he have them? Is he storing Batarangs?

Captain America, as I’ve said before, is a World War II veteran first and foremost. His suit, no matter the year, should reflect that, and the one showcased in THE AVENGERS is just a star spangled mess. I prefer TFA gritty, war centric uniform any day of the week, except Saturdays… that’s our weekly formal dinner here at the offices of UTF, and I expect Cap to dress in a Tux for the occasion.

Work it Cap! Work it!