“I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that dialogue that matters. Some day, I look very much forward to meeting you. In the meantime, I want to thank you for the release of the hostages who are now home with their families. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.

If you change your mind having to do with this most important summit, please do not hesitate to call me or write. The world, and North Korea in particular, has lost a great opportunity for lasting peace and great prosperity and wealth. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in history.

Sincerely yours, Donald J. Trump”

Monday 8:42 PM:

Donald: Hey good-looking. How about we just skip the annoying chatting back and forth part of this and I just invite you out to a nice dinner?

Monday 9:54 PM:

Donald: There’s this great Singaporean place I’ve been wanting to check out. What do you think?

Tuesday 4:07 AM:

Donald: ?

Tuesday 11:01 AM:

Donald: This really could be a beautiful thing. Just saying.

Tuesday 11:05 AM:

Kim Jong-un Do you often assay to procure a rendezvous in this clod-mouthed manner?

Tuesday 11:06 AM:

Donald: I knew you’d respond! I don’t know half those words but I like your style Jong-un. Very direct, like me. Btw is your name Chinese?

Tuesday 11:07 AM:

Donald: So how about it?

Tuesday 11:28 AM:

Donald: Do you like beef rendang? I hear this place has beautiful beef rendang.

Tuesday 12:31 PM:

Kim Jong-un Please exculpate me for the long interludes betwixt my responses. This week brims chock-full with interlocutions focused on some irksome and vexatious traitors and foreign interlopers we must probably slaughter.

Kim Jong-un Beef rendang pleases me.

Tuesday 12:32 AM:

Donald: Wonderful! It’s the best beef rendang, they tell me. Some wonderful friends have told me it is. How about this Friday?

Donald: Sorry about the traitors, though — huge bummer. We have them too, it really sucks.

Tuesday 7:42 PM:

Donald: Or maybe Saturday?



Wednesday 9:32 AM:

Kim Jong-un Saturday befits me.

Wednesday 9:38 AM:

Donald: Wonderful. Let’s say 8 PM?

Wednesday 9:39 AM:

Kim Jong-un Indeed. This audience is auspicious and might well engender the genesis of multitudinous new sanguine possibilities. Additionally, I rarely reject proffered offers of free sustenance supplies.

Wednesday 9:41 AM:

Donald: I totally, totally agree.

Wednesday 9:46 AM:

Donald: Also, my friends are going to be so proud of me when they hear about this.

Wednesday 9:54 AM:

Kim Jong-un I beseech you to remain tacit about this arrangement. This blathering self-promotion you reference is not attractive.

Wednesday 9:56 AM:

Donald: I mean they would be so proud. That I snagged such a hot date, they said it would never happen. But it’s going to happen!

Wednesday 11:43 AM:

Kim Jong-un I fiercely declare that if you ramble about this tentative primary non-Platonic interaction to your dunce-minded slovenly sycophants in this fashion I will be obliged to abrogate this embryonic plan we have drafted.

Wednesday 11:44 AM:

Donald: Oh come on don’t be like that Jong-un! You know this is what every guy does before a hot date.

Wednesday 11:48 AM:

Donald: I promise I only told a few people. My daughter. My wife. Both Mikey Ps. One of the Mikes said he’d love to meet you too, maybe a double date? That could be fun! This could be a very very big moment for both of us, for my romantic life, for yours.

Wednesday 11:45 AM:

Kim Jong-un Cease blabbing, you double-left-footed dolt. I have no interest whatsoever in meeting your dimwitted acolyte Mike… I now commence to doubt the prudence of this Saturday tete-a-tete.

Kim Jong-un Incidentally, you are married?

Wednesday 1:38 PM:

Donald: It’s prudent! The most prudent! My dates love me. You’ll love me.

Donald: And yeah. My wife won’t mind.

Donald: Alright, so we’re on for Saturday. Beef rendang, it’s the best. You’ll love it.

Wednesday 8:28 PM:

Donald: Jong? You playing hard to get? I like it.

Thursday 12:04 AM:

Donald: You up?

Thursday 4:58 AM:

Donald: Hey

Thursday 9:02 AM:

Donald: So Mikey P made a good joke today, I was like, so I’ve got this date with Jong-un, and he was like, more like Dong-un!

Donald: It kind of reminded me of that one joke about Ga-dong-fi. Get it? Such a great joke. Ha ha. That guy had no sense of humor though, none at all.

Thursday 9:05 AM:

Donald: Alright I really don’t like this silent treatment. Though it’s kind of a turn-on I guess.

Donald: I’m very excited about Saturday. It’ll be the best. I’ll pick you up at your place?

Thursday 10:21 PM:

Kim Jong-un If you and your cretinous acolytes dare even approach the vicinity of my dwelling I will be impelled to rain a fiery death on you and your posse of troglodytes. I am nixing Saturday’s plans. I cannot fathom that I at one time countenanced encountering such a childlike and immature dotard as you for a date. Perhaps mature slightly first, and cease spewing excrement from your oral cavity, and then, only then, it could be that a reconsideration of my decision will be warranted.

Thursday 11:05 PM:

Donald: Wow Jong-un. That was mean. That really hurt. I don’t know what dotard means but it looks a lot like retard so I’m guessing it’s pretty mean.

Donald: Well, your loss. I thought this could have been a beautiful thing.

Donald: I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me.

Friday 2:56 AM:

Donald: If you change your mind having to do with this most important date, please do not hesitate to message me. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment in history.

Saturday 4:29 PM:

Donald: You sure you’re not feeling some Singaporean tonight?