While plenty of people would include “intelligence” on their short list of desirable traits for a partner to have, Sapiosexuals find intelligence incredibly attractive. They prioritize intellect, but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate other attributes. These six sapiosexuals set the record straight on what it means to get turned on by a big brain.

1. How old are you?

Woman A: 27

Woman B: 22

Woman C: 37

Man A: 25

Man B: 24

Man C: 32

2. You identify as sapiosexual. What does that mean to you?

Woman A: Sapiosexual is a way for me to label and understand myself and what I want in a romantic relationship. I appreciate intelligence to a degree that it’s actively arousing.

Woman B: I am attracted to people who are intellectually stimulating. There is nothing sexier than sitting on a stoop at 4 A.M. with someone who has made such a compelling argument that I am questioning my own logic, or realizing a bias I never knew I had.

Woman C: To me, a sapiosexual is someone who values an intellectual approach to the world, is a critical thinker, and has an insatiable curiosity in life, whether it be in work or in play, and is attracted to the same in a partner.

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Man A: Being sapiosexual means (to me) that it's really hard for me to have one night stands because generally speaking, I'm not really sexually interested in someone until I've seen that 'spark' in their personality, regardless of their level of physical beauty.

Man B: It means that my perception of someone's intelligence is one of the most important factors in my attraction to them. If I find a person physically or otherwise attractive, but they seem stupid, I lose all attraction. If someone is not so physically or otherwise attractive, but they seem smart, there's a good chance I'm turned on.

Man C: It means that an intelligent partner is necessary for me to have a happy relationship. Others may prioritize intelligence, just as they may prioritize a sense of humor or warmth. But that doesn’t make them a sapiosexual.

3. How old were you when you realized you were sapiosexual?

Woman A: During puberty, but I didn’t realize there was a specific word for it until a friend recently stumbled upon it and told me about it.

Woman B: Probably when I was 20 and had just left my high school boyfriend and entered the college hook-up scene.

Woman C: I was very young (maybe grade school), however, I only stumbled across the word and term about five years ago.

Man A: 10? 11? 12? Erection age.

Man B: Probably 15. That girl explaining why Lord of the Flies presents an unrealistic and pessimistic view of humanity? Hot AF.

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Man C: I first realized I prioritized things differently in high school. I had a lot of crushes on a lot of teachers. At the time, I assumed I liked older women. But looking back, some of those crushes were not for the traditional “hot teacher” types. They were women who were incredibly passionate and fiercely intelligent.

4. Do you talk to partners about being sapiosexual?

Woman A: I do, once we’ve progressed far enough into the relationship, but I think that it’s something that’s apparent to them even before that. It’s just that I give them a label to use. I don’t see a reason to bring it up on a first date.

Woman B: If I am consistently seeing someone the topic generally comes up. Whether it's in the context of past relationships or even the ever-so-subtle "Why do you even like me?" tease.

Woman C: Yes. Many dates say they are as well, but their behavior rarely matches.

Man A: I don't necessarily speak to partners about it though I do make it known why I'm usually drawn to them.

Man B: I definitely express my attraction to partners' intellect. I want them to know so they talk smart to me. Why would I not encourage something I find sexy?

Man C: Not always in so many words, at least not initially. Usually, those kinds of “getting to know you” questions come up organically, and it’s easy for me to mention that I appreciate intelligence in a partner.

5. How does being sapiosexual affect your dating life day-to-day?

Woman A: It forces me to narrow my focus and my search. I love the idea of apps like Tinder, but it’s unlikely I’ll find what I’m looking for there. It’s hard for me to get turned on before knowing someone well first, so one-night stands are virtually impossible for me as well.

Woman B: When I'm single it can be a huge pain in the ass honestly. It often takes time to see intelligence.

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Woman C: It is often challenging to meet men who are as intellectually charged, or not intimidated by me. Most men say they want an intelligent and beautiful woman, but several have said to me that I am too intelligent and too beautiful, and they felt inadequate. However, if I were less intelligent or less attractive, or had less desire for others to be intelligent, the relationship would have worked out. It’s wildly frustrating.

Man A: I find myself normally sticking to a small roster of hookups, because in general it's pretty hard for me to meet eligible women with reciprocal interest that tick all the necessary boxes, TBH.

Man B: I don't think it affects my life very much.

Man C: I would say it makes dating easier in a lot of senses. At a certain time in my life, I would have said it makes dating difficult, but now I appreciate being selective. I can tell within minutes if a first date is the kind of woman I can get along with.

6. What makes somebody attractive to you?

Woman A: The same things that are attractive to others: warmth, wit, intelligence, good looks and so on. A smart man who could teach a college course on a variety of topics is a turn-on for sure, but it’s not the only thing I need.

Woman B: Challenge me! Throw the facts right back at me, point out the hole in my argument. Please teach me a new perspective or a new topic in general. If you keep me engaged in a conversation that is moving forward and kind of working out the holes in each other's arguments, that's hot as hell.

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Woman C: Many things. Intellect, kindness, loyalty, integrity, physical fitness, professional motivation and success, wit, humor, and humility with a splash of hubris.

Man A: When someone has that zest about them where they are both knowledgable and passionate, and unique — then it's on. I don't care what it is they're so passionate about— marine biology, high end menswear, sexual education in third world countries; that's the turn on.

Man B: I like someone who can hold an intellectual conversation and/or teach me new things. I want someone who can discuss with me the relationship between diglossia and social inequality, or who can explain why the cause of my leg pain might actually be pressure on the sciatic nerve in my back.

Man C: Passion. Intelligence manifests itself in many different ways. Medical doctors and therapists are nice, but I don’t need someone who is intelligent in that narrow and traditional sense. They certainly don’t need to be intelligent in every conceivable category across the board. No one is perfect. But I need someone who can speak about what they care deeply about. That to me shows intelligence.

7. How do you tell if a potential partner is intelligent?

Woman A: Conversation, especially in person. Someone who can think on their feet and spar verbally makes me swoon. So does someone who incorporates the things they’ve learned in their day-to-day into a conversation. We could be having a talk about politics, but they find a way to apply a book their reading into the mix. That takes intelligence.

Woman B: By how they deal with conflict, I think that intelligent people approach adversity by trying to understand it. Screaming "wrong!" or refusing to discuss something because you disagree just shows a lack of understanding.



Woman C: Are they intrigued by what they know and know they do not know? Are they arrogant about their intelligence or are willing to acknowledge gaps in their understanding? I always judge the latter as both more secure and more intelligent.

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Man A: Oh, I feel like that's something you can generally figure out in the first 10 minutes of knowing someone.

Man B: I just talk to them and wait to see what happens.

Man C: I don’t need a partner to have eight law degrees. I just like them to be able to hold a stimulating conversation.

8. Do you prefer to date other sapiosexual people?

Woman A: I don’t think they need to be sapiosexual, but I’ve found that intelligent people certainly prefer and appreciate other intelligent people.

Woman B: YES a thousand times yes. It's so much easier, they love my bullsh*t and we never fight. We can talk out literally anything because we both just enjoy understanding new perspectives.

Woman C: Yes. Knowledge, and the process of seeking it, become a shared passion that parlays into foreplay, both mentally and sexually.

Man A: It doesn't need to be explicit, but I do think with my particular look and lifestyle that someone would have to be to want to date me.

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Man B: I like to think that the people I date find me somewhat intelligent, but I'm not actively looking for sapiosexual people.

Man C: It doesn’t matter to me in the slightest because I don’t think what I’m looking for is esoteric. Plenty of people value intelligence. I don’t need someone to be sapiosexual to understand that I value their thoughts and ideas. I might place more value on them than the average person, but it’s not an entirely foreign concept.

9. Would you ever break up with someone because they weren’t intelligent enough for you?

Woman A: I would and I have. If you don’t see someone as intelligent and appreciate their mind, I don’t think you can be with that person.

Woman B: I have before, it's not as much that he wasn't intelligent enough, as it was a condescending quality. No one knows everything, and being intelligent necessitates that understanding. I can only be told that you're a genius so many times before I need to see some application beyond your GPA or alma mater.

Woman C: Yes. I have. It is painful, but if someone is not intellectually stimulating, given my passion for knowledge and learning, I am left with a dearth of topics to connect with them around and it feels lonely.

Man A: I don't think I would ever COMMIT myself to someone who isn't intelligent enough for me.

Man B: I would never date them in the first place.

Man C: Absolutely, I would. I think anyone would.

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10. Do you think you’re intelligent enough to be considered attractive to other sapiosexuals?

Woman A: Absolutely. Although, I don’t think it’s a requirement to be sapiosexual.

Woman B: I would like to think so, but I'm constantly proven to be less intelligent than the guys I'm seeing, which is honestly fine by me, if anything I'm the one reaping all the benefits.



Woman C: Yes. To be clear, I don’t purport to be the most intelligent person in the room, but I value critical thinking and a zest for learning.

Man A: Absolutely, yes. I'm one of a kind.

Man B: I hope so!

Man C: Yes, but as I’ve mentioned, intelligence can be defined in many different ways.

11. Is there a line for you at which point intelligence becomes pretentious?

Woman A: Confidence is always a good thing, but if someone is smarmy and wields their intelligence aggressively, that’s a deal-breaker for me. Consider if you met someone wildly attractive but they were incredibly mean to you. It’d be difficult to overlook that.

Woman B: The basis of your argument [shouldn't only be] your intelligence level. "Trust me" "You wouldn't understand" etc. Back up your statements with some logic, if you don't have any support, then you're the one who needs to be lectured, not me.



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Woman C: Yes. Being intelligent doesn’t inherently increase one’s value, so behaving in an elitist way or putting others down for an intellectual difference is pretentious and to me, could be an abuse of privilege.

Man A: This comes down to the application of knowledge. Pretension is intelligence gone wrong, though a truly wise person wouldn't be outwardly pretentious in the first place.

Man B: I think pretentiousness is all in how you use your intelligence vs. how much of it you have. If someone is trying to impress me by acting smart I will be immediately turned off.

Man C: I think someone can be a true genius and also pretentious, but generally I’ve found that someone trying to show off their intellect is all bark and no bite, as the saying goes.

12. What are the biggest misconceptions about sapiosexual people, in your opinion?

Woman A: When I tell people, they tend to assume that I fetishize intelligence. And I might, to a degree, but that’s only one aspect of it and one aspect of who I am. They worry that I can’t be physical or show physical affection but it’s certainly not the case.

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Woman B: That we are pretentious or pseudo-intellectuals. I can definitely come off aggressive at times and although I'm generally just flirting, playing devils advocate does not always come off as humble or down-to-earth.

Woman C: That we are square, boring, or judgmental. When people feel outsmarted or insecure, it is not uncommon for them to become dismissive.

Man A: I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that sapiosexuals are ugly?



Man B: I'm not looking for someone pretentious. I like to feel academic and have brainy conversations, but not all the time. Sometimes I just want to watch Survivor and not discuss the effects of reality tv on my psychology.

Man C: The idea that sapiosexual people think they’re better than anyone else. If you pride yourself on your sense of humor, and you meet a great girl who doesn’t get your jokes that doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. It doesn’t make her unlovable or humorless. It just means you’re not right for each other.

Answers have been condensed and lightly edited.

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Carina Hsieh Sex & Relationships Editor Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals. Frank Kobola Frank is a contributing writer for Cosmopolitan.com

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