Former Oasis man insists this newspaper has a malign hold over modern music, and dismisses all other musicians, apart from Kanye West and Chris Martin

Musicians spend too much time thinking about what will impress this newspaper, according to Noel Gallagher. In an interview with Esquire, Gallagher – in a statement that simultaneously baffled and flattered the Guardian’s music team – insisted that “everybody’s out to please the Guardian. And that’s the wrong attitude.”

He told the magazine: “I know people who live for their reviews. I once asked somebody how their new album was going, they said, ‘Fucking great. I’ve only got one bad review.’ Who gives a fuck? ‘Only got one bad review.’ Fucking hell, really? Shit, Jesus. Here’s your second.”

He criticised the groups he presumably perceives as being in thrall to the Guardian. “You’re not seriously telling me that anyone is going to be listening to Foals in 12 years. Is anybody going to be fucking begging for Hot Chip to get back together in 22 years? I don’t fucking think so.”

Beyoncé and Noel Gallagher feature on new Coldplay album A Head Full of Dreams Read more

He was characteristically trenchant about pretty much every other pop star at work today. “Who gives a shit what fucking One Direction do? Cocksuckers, all of them in rehab by the time they’re 30. Who gives a shit what Ellie Goulding is up to? Really? Adele, what?” Alex Turner and Royal Blood look good, he said, but “I’ve got a cat that’s more rock’n’roll than all of them put together.” Thom Yorke, meanwhile, should “give us a fucking shout” when he writes a song “as good as fucking Mony Mony”.

He did, however, express his admiration for Kanye West, one of the few people on whom he does not believe fame is wasted, and Chris Martin, “a friend of mine. That fucking guy can write a tune.”

Coincidentally, it was revealed on Friday morning that Gallagher will appear on Coldplay’s new album, A Head Full of Dreams.

He was certain, however, of Oasis’s stature, insisting they were one of the best groups of all time. “If all the greats are in the top four, we’re in the bottom of the top four, we’re kind of constantly fighting for fifth, just missing out.” He added that Oasis would be unlikely to reunite, because unlike most re-formed bands they could never be as big as they were first time round. If he changed his mind about returning, he said, his brother Liam would almost certainly say no, just to spite him.

Gallagher also said giving his interviews was his hobby. “I could do this all day long … I get to be a gobshite, and I get to do that thing: to be the last of a dying breed.” Which suggests there is some truth to the joke: Did you see that Noel Gallagher’s releasing an album to promote his latest round of interviews?