ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A French Quarter leasing agent has cast another thesaurus into the landfill bin this afternoon as the glue in the spin began to fail.

The glue failed because agent Doug Morisset spends most mornings thumbing his way through it trying to find boutique, bespoke and artisan synonyms for what a property is really like.

The Advocate spoke to the 28-year-old slum-enabling bootlicker over lunch where he explained that a desktop thesaurus is one of the most potent weapons in an estate agent’s arsenal.

“You can have a one-bedroom flat on Rue De Branlette go from anywhere between $400 and $800 a week,” he laughed.

“They’re all pretty shit and not really up to code. They’re not even on the SkyMuster NBN. But instead of calling a spade a spade, we call a spade a club. Understand?”

Our reporter shook his head and nodded.

“Well, instead of an apartment being ‘cramped’ and ‘unsafe’, it’s ‘cozy’ and ‘heritage’. You know what I’m talking about? You write ads for your newspaper all the time, don’t you?”

Again, our reporter shook his head and nodded.

“But in order to find these nicer words, you need to thumb the B’Jesus out of a thesaurus. My thumbs haven’t worked this hard since I played Mario Party as a child.”

When asked why he didn’t just use the internet to find synonyms, Doug said his agency doesn’t even offer clients the ability to fill in forms online.

Doug then crimped his face together and pulled his ears out with his hands.

“Hmmm….” he crooned his his best Yoda impersonation.

“Much to learn about the real estate game, you do.”

With that, our reporter closed the diary and clicked the recorder off.

More to come.

