WASATCH RANGE, UT—Having spent thousands of millennia adapting to changes in habitat and climate, the American pika told reporters Wednesday that the 30-million-year-old species is worried it doesn’t have another evolution in it. “Honestly, I think the cycle where we developed longer, denser fur to live in cold, mountainous regions may have been the last hurrah,” said the small herbivorous mammal, adding that differentiating itself from rabbits during the Oligocene epoch took an awful lot out of it. “Let’s face it, I’m not 15 million years old anymore. Maybe I should just be proud of our distinctive high-pitched alarm call and accept that this is as far as natural selection is going to take us. At a certain point, you have to come to terms with the fact that you might be as evolved as you’re going to get.” The pika went on to say that while it might be evolutionarily advantageous to develop more nocturnal traits to help the species stay cooler during warmer seasons, it was getting exhausted just thinking about it.

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