My mom recently sent me a copy of a small town newspaper from near where I grew up. Here is a sampling from the police log section of calls made to the local police dispatch center. The writer’s combination of straightforward recording of facts and colloquial embellishment is awesome.

1:38 am: Caller wants to speak to officer about being assaulted by a piece of paper thrown at caller by landlord, who is evicting him. Dispatcher ascertained no injuries and will log for information.

2:44 am: Guy is trying to get vomiting drunk woman into her vehicle. Officer advised.

3:02 am: Officer is en route to jail with above drunken driver who said people in high places will get her off and that she’s talking to the media.

10:05 am: Officer checked on report of moaning coming from area which turned out to be pigeons in vacant building.

11:44 am: Caller’s wife is throwing things around the house. Officer responded and the two are going their separate ways for now and will see how that works.

12:34 pm: 911 call from baby. Called back and mom will lock the numbers.

5:33 pm: Officer is responding to report of belligerent hitchhiker at Hwys. O and 53.

5:44 pm: Above officer reports that belligerent hitchhiker will be moving along.

8:12 pm: Hitchhiker is lying in ditch by car dealer and roundabout. Officer drove by, and formerly belligerent hitchhiker waved at him, is fine and is just resting.

9:16 pm: Trees on fire at Bone Avenue and Humbird Street. Officer responded and reports that trees were lit tiki torches.

9:45 pm: Caller suspects tenents were smoking marijuana, sprayed air freshener and now are coughing. Officer responded and reports negative for marijuana.

Update: See also The Arcata Eye Police Log. (thx, joe)