What is CBD?

CBD, or cannabidiol, is one of many cannabinoids found in the cannabis plant. It can be extracted and turned into oils, gummies, and a multibillion-dollar industry.

How does CBD work?

While THC makes you feel high, CBD targets receptors in your body that make you feel self-satisfied and smug. You’ll recognize the sensation as soon as someone asks what you’re putting in your coffee. Side effects of CBD include talking about CBD, posting about CBD on social media, and saying, “Oh, my God—WHAT?!” when other people say they haven’t tried CBD.

How much does CBD oil cost?

CBD oil can cost between one and one million dollars, depending on how much exposed brick exists at your local purveyor. Three drops in a twenty-ounce latte will double the cost of your latte, obviously. If we were to put it in your sandwich, I’m going to guess that sandwich would cost, like, twenty bucks? Maybe you should just give us all your money now and we’ll let you know how much CBD you can put in this bag.

How much CBD should I take?

That’s a good question. To answer it, first consider why you’re taking CBD. If you’re trying to appear up to date on current trends, a couple of drops should do it. If you want to incorporate CBD into your personal brand, you’ll need several crates. If you’re a politician trying to engage the elusive millennial demographic, however, you’ll need much, much more.

What are the health benefits of CBD?

Look, it wasn’t from a scientific study or anything, but, between you and me, I heard that CBD cures all the diseases that Western medicine promised to eradicate, like, two decades ago. But instead of doing it with a randomized control trial, CBD does it with a cool fist bump while popping a wheelie on a motorcycle.

Is there anything that CBD can’t do?

This is exactly the sort of well-researched and rigorous dialogue we hoped to have here. The answer is, of course, no.

Is it safe to keep CBD in my house?

While it is completely safe to keep CBD in your home, we find that it’s even safer to keep it in your bloodstream, where you can’t spill or misplace it.

Can CBD dog-sit for me on Saturday?

Totally! CBD loves dogs. We find that, in fact, dogs also benefit from small doses of CBD. Really, any household pet is a candidate for CBD except for cats, because cats prefer to remain anxious.

Can I call CBD my “significant other”?

CBD isn’t really into labels or F.D.A. regulations right now. Maybe CBD could just text you sometime?

Is CBD considering a 2020 Presidential run?

We don’t want to start any rumors here, but does an outsider candidate riding a groundswell of bipartisan support after creating major gains for small businesses sound pretty perfect? Yeah, that’s what we thought. See you on the campaign trail, constituent!