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I was never an incredibly punctual person, but becoming a parent has put a whole new spin on my excuses for being late to meetings, school, parties and appointments. Back in the day, I was late because of the normal stuff, you know, my hair didn’t look just right, my alarm clock didn’t go off, there was traffic on 95… Now, between me barely keeping my head on straight and my kids being out of their minds, my excuses look more like this:

Sorry I’m late but …

1. My daughter’s socks hurt, or as she likes to put it, her socks “hate her.”

2. Both my children had to poop as soon as we left the driveway.

3. I couldn’t find my keys … they were in my pocket.

4. My kids were fighting over who got to sit in which seat.

5. My son decided to wrestle with the dog rather than simply walk out the door, so we had to clean the fur off of his clothes, but I couldn’t find the lint roller, so I had to fashion one from masking tape and MacGyver it off.

6. All of a sudden, none of their shoes seemed to have a mate. NONE.

7. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask where babies come from.

8. There was a wardrobe malfunction that led to wet underwear and a much-needed, last-minute bath.

9. My son skinned his knee on the way to the car.

10. My kids got suddenly parched, which led to drinks, which led to snacks. So, we’re here to meet you for lunch, but frankly, no one is hungry.

11. No one heard me say “it’s time to go,” even though I said it 20 times … at various volumes.

12. My daughter decided this would be a good time to have a meltdown over something that happened hours ago. Did I say hours? I meant days.

13. My kids were fighting over who the dog loves more.

14. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask about puberty.

15. I couldn’t find my phone… it was in my hand.

16. My son got a fever on the way to the car.

17. My dog, who had just gone out, decided to pee on the floor.

18. My son found the dog pee… with his foot.

19. My kids were fighting over what radio station I would get stuck listening to.

20. My son remembered that he forgot to do his homework.

21. It seemed like a good time for one of them to ask me about homosexuality.

22. My daughter changed 13 times until she felt she found an outfit that said, “I’m fashionable, but not so chic that I can’t meet someone for fro yo.”

23. My kids bumped heads getting into the car.

24. My son’s elbow hurt.

25. My kids were fighting over whose tongue is longer.

26. My daughter decided that an old cut needed to be re-cleaned and re-bandaged. We couldn’t find the cut, as it had basically healed, so we cleaned and bandaged where we thought it once was.

27. I couldn’t find my glasses… they were on my head.

28. My daughter wanted to draw this picture for you. You better love it.

29. A stuffed animal that hasn’t been played with in months was noticed to be missing as we exited the house. Lost signs needed to be made, the milk carton people needed to be alerted and we ransacked our home to find it.

30. My son fell out of the car while getting into the car.

31. I couldn’t find one of my kids, he/she was waiting in the car.

32. My daughter realized she forgot to put on underwear and she was in a skirt.

33. My daughter’s fingernail was itchy.