God almighty, the famously self-employed inventor and property mogul, has revealed that a series of Jehovah’s witnesses arriving at his office for their ultimate holy judgement have attempted to convince him to join their religion.

‘They certainly seemed enthusiastic,’ the heavenly father admitted, in a surprisingly brusque Yorkshire baritone. ‘Plenty of pamphlets. I love a good pamphlet, me. But it just weren’t my cuppa tea. Interesting take, though. It felt a bit like an author reading an amusingly misguided review of his book. Like Dostoevsky being interpreted as a self-book, or Chris Moyles’ biography being judged as high art. Not negative, just odd.’

‘I did take issue with a couple of their ideas, mind. Not celebrating my own son’s birthday seems a bit harsh, don’t it? And then really celebrating the day he were murdered? Cripes! And also, this malarkey about going to church to be closer to me? I mean, I’m everywhere. Surely they can see that don’t make sense?’

When asked about the fate of the ambitious proselytizers, as Jehovah’s witnesses famously don’t believe they have an eternal afterlife, God simply grinned and said ‘of course they have souls. But only so that they may be damned!’

TobiasBV