alright so

this chick asked me to do a celtic myth for her birthday

and i was drunk when i was reading her comment

and i thought her birthday was today

so i did a bunch of research

and then i realized she was born on the 6th

who the fuck is born on the 6th

that’s some bullshit

anyway now i have all this research

and nothing to do with it

so get ready for A SOLID WEEK OF CELTIC MYTHS

so okay Cuchulainn right

actually no wait i’m getting ahead of myself

when he was born he was called Setanta

he was popped out by some queen

who drank a fly that fell in her booze

only it wasn’t a fly it was this god Lugh the long-handed

if you know what i mean

(i dont fucking know what i mean)

and he was like CONGRATULATIONS ON SWALLOWING ME

YOU ARE NOW SWANS

and then later she got pregnant and had this kid setanta

ok

backstory complete

OH WAIT

NOT YET

I HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT THE NAME CUCHULAINN

EVEN THOUGH IT IS WAY HARDER TO SPELL AND SAY

so basically by the time setanta is about 4 years old

he is a ridiculous sex machine

and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes

and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something

and the guys go ahead to some castle

and start partying

and they forget about him

and release their unstoppable dog to guard the castle

but then setanta shows up

and the dog is like HEY HEY HEY

and setanta stabs it to death in the face

and the king gets sad cause his dog is dead

but setanta says he’ll make him a new one

and the king is like AWESOME YOUR NAME IS CUCHULAINN NOW

IT MEANS MURDERHOUND OR SOMETHING

OKAY

NOW I CAN TELL YOU THIS STORY

so by now cuchulainn is what

8 years old

and he is fucking ALL of the bitches

every last one

and all his countrymen are like god dammit man

we need some of the bitches as well

this is not a one man show we got going on

you need to get married

and Cuchulainn is like fine

but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all

THIS CHICK EMER

DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY

WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME

and so he goes to this chick

and he is like hey honey what’s up

i wanna rest my sword between your tits

if you know what i mean

and emer is like i know what you mean

and i can also see

that you are 8 fucking years old

what are you trying to get me thrown in jail

and cuchulainn is like look at my pecs

and emer is like those are some pretty nice pecs

but you don’t even have a beard dude

how am i supposed to love a guy who doesnt have a beard

oh i know

how about if you become a supergreat warrior

and murder several hundred guys

i will totally bone you

and cuchulainn is like sounds like a deal

and as a cherry on top

how about i don’t bone any hot bitches until i get back

and emer is like DEAL

i really dont know why cuchulainn made that last promise

because he is physically incapable

of keeping it in his pants

it is like his penis is some kind of unruly seamonster

or moray eel

telescoping out of its holster

and harpooning ladies left and right

for example this warrior queen Aoife

who he defeats

and then harpoons with his sea monster

and then takes her magic barbed harpoon

which is made

from the bones

OF A SEAMONSTER

see how this shit comes back together?

anyway then he goes and gets warrior training somewhere

montage montage montage OKAY

NOW HE’S BACK AT THE CASTLE WHERE EMER LIVES

but Forgath the wily is like NAH FUCK YOU

so cuchulainn SALMON-LEAPS OVER THE WALLS

MURDERS EVERYONE IN THE CITY

and then is like hey baby whats up

and he steals Emer

and then roams around the country side

killing the requisite number of dudes

to get emer to sleep with him

and then she does

and it’s awesome

and after that

they settle down

to celebrate Cuchulainns 12th birthday

this teaches us a valuable lesson

which is that statutory rape is okay

as long as you are statutorily raping a mass murderer

the end.