Once Upon a Time S04E04: "The Apprentice"





SOOO. It occurred to me somewhere around the third act of "The Apprentice" that a lot of OUAT consists of two people standing opposite one other, angrily justifying the plot of the episode. Maybe this is why people run around so much in other episodes? Because there was noticeably less running around this episode, which made it super noticeable that most of the hour was consumed by two people standing across from each other, explicitly explaining the logic of the scene, which, zzzz. But also walking broomsticks! And Matrix spins!!!







To be honest with you, I didn’t really care about a lot of what happened in "The Apprentice." There’s no real emotional core to new character Anna, so I didn’t really care that she finally bumped into Rumple, who pushed her to a place where she had to confront her dark side so that he could use her to get the Sorcerer’s Apprentice Bucket Keepsake Box (which looked like something kept in a display case at the Disney Store at your local dying shopping mall), except she grabbed his dagger and compelled him to give her the box and send her back to Arendelle, where she and Kristoff made out next to a reindeer. Like, I am reciting this because of minor OCD tendencies, but I wasn't particularly engaged on any level with the rather tedious proceedings. The plot at least was crystal clear, because its participants described to us what they were doing and why in every line of every scene. Which maybe contributed to the tedium.















Also, Mickey Mouse is this guy. Roll up your childhood into a ball, throw it in the trash.







The storyline of "The Apprentice" that had an emotional core was Emma asking Hook out on a Super Special date, with the support of Henry—who seems inappropriately preoccupied in his mom's love life post-divorce. Hook was like, “I am uncomfortable with you taking the initiative here, how about I plan the evening?” and Emma was like, “Sure, I need the afternoon to put together a costume that Sandy would wear in a community theater production of Grease, so that works great,” and Hook marched over to Rumple’s place and demanded that Rumple reattach his hand. Luckily Rumple had it floating around in a jar like a pink, five-fingered pickle.



























I know we’re never supposed to question the logic/timeline of this series (which is why the writers have hilariously started labeling every flashback “A Long Time Ago,” which is basically code for “Try Calling Us On Our Continuity Errors Now, Assholes”), but why the hell has Rumple schlepped a disembodied hand with him to Maine through two curses?! He had a whole mansion full of important stuff that Neal returned to in Fairy-Tale Land, so he didn't take everything, so why... whatever. My fault for asking. The point is, he reattached Hook's with a simple warning: This hand was cursed with the plotline from the Devon Sawa classic Idle Hands.







Back at Snow’s studio apartment, Emma was unveiling her date-night look for Snow, David, and Elsa.











A power ponytail, taupe hose, and character shoes? Girl STOP. She looked like she was headed to homeschool prom. And then Elsa had the nerve to ask where the rest of it was?! Check your slut-shaming and trust that no one needs advice from you or your bejeweled side-braid, lady. Not to mention you’re the only person besides Regina who regularly rocks a thigh slit, so stop acting like you’ve never seen ankles before.















Hook showed up and was like, "Surprise, two hands!" And David was like, "Oh yeah? Well none of those busy fingers, new or old, better go anywhere up my daughter." I mean, let’s be real, that’s what he was saying, despite the fact that his grown-ass daughter is now well into her 30s. Very cool, David. Credit where credit is due, though, Hook had donned some HOT NEW CLOTHES!!!



















This made me literally sigh with relief.

Next: Page 2, let's get to that date!