Me. (Picture: Beth Dubber/NBC/Getty)

It hasn’t been that long since you’ve been been on a date, right?

Just a couple of weeks? Wait. No. Months, maybe. A year? Almost? Maybe?

Sh*t. It’s been ages.

The long days of crush-free life stretch out behind and ahead of you. You haven’t had some casual flirtation since winter. Your dating life isn’t even in its usual state of shambles. It’s just a wide open desert, free of fancy dinners and going out for drinks.


It’s been a while. That’s all.

And it’s a bit of a struggle.



1. You don’t really understand why it’s been so long since you’ve had any form of romantic excitement

How did this happen? Where did things go wrong? How have the days turned into weeks? How have the weeks turned into months?

2. And it’s making you ask some slightly dark questions about yourself

What if I’ve aged really dramatically in the last few months and haven’t noticed? What if I’m giving off a scent of loneliness and journal-writing? Am I hideous? Am I inherently unlovable?

3. But then you realise that actually, you really haven’t made that much of an effort to get out there

Not to be critical, but it’s kind of tough to meet someone if the only places you hang out are your desk and your bed.

4. You don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship, but you have intense crush cravings

Massively fancying someone tends to liven things up a bit.

But also you’re not ready for any real intimacy and you’d like everyone to stay away. Okay?

5. You kind of resent the fact that no one seems to currently be crushing on you

Am I not cute enough for you people?

6. You really would quite like a date, but not enough to make any serious attempts towards getting one

You just don’t want to seem desperate, you know?

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So you’ll just avoid dating apps, going out, singles nights, and any form of human interaction. Surely someone really fit will pop up in your life at some point soon and make all the effort for you. Definitely.

7. You lost hope in Tinder a long time ago

As long as you don’t open it, it’s the Schrodinger’s app of an explanation for why you’re single.

It’s FILLED with all the single people, but you hate Tinder, so you’re single.

But also no one fun or exciting is on there, and that’s why you’re single.

So, yeah. Blame Tinder.

8. You’re concerned that you’ve lost the knack of dating

It’s been so long that you’ve done flirty small talk that you’re not sure you remember how to do it.

Is it acceptable to talk about how much you love the new cactus you bought for half an hour? Because its watering pattern and growth rate really is very interesting.

9. And that you’ve forgotten how making a date happen actually works

How long do we have to talk before we can just state that we find each other attractive and agree to go on a ‘date’? What do you do on said ‘date’? How do you know if it’s a date and not just a casual friend-type hangout session?

Is it okay to yell ‘I find you sexually attractive and would like to have sex at some point in the not-too-distant future but not right now’? Because that would make things a lot easier.



10. Speaking of sex, that hasn’t been happening much either

You’re slightly worried that if you did go on a date you’d behave like a dog on heat, want to immediately parch your dry spell, and scare off the sweet person who invited you out for a casual cup of tea.

11. And it’s possible that you’ve forgotten how to do that, too

I’m sure you haven’t. But it’s a recurring fear. Wait, where do my legs go?

12. You split your time between actively trying to be sexy and giving zero f*cks

Saturday: This could be the day I meet someone hot. I’m going to dress up and look good.

Sunday: Who the f*ck am I trying to impress? Bolognese-stained t-shirt it is.

13. You started out saying ‘God, I’m so alone’ as a joke. But now it’s getting a bit sad.

Suddenly, seeing a story about a crypt that hasn’t been touched in a thousand years and saying ‘AKA my vagina’ isn’t a hilarious joke anymore, just because it’s the seventh time you’ve said it this week. Your friends are concerned.

14. And people keep taking you seriously when you ask if random people are single

No, mum, I was being hilarious when I asked if the 40-year-old guy from your office who loves train sets is single. Please don’t set us up. Put down the phone. Stop.

15. You’ve noticed your friends and family looking at you with concern in their eyes

No, really, I’m fine. I just haven’t been on a date in a few months. I just said ‘HELP ME, I’M SO ALONE’ as a joke. It’s funny.

Please stop secretly having group discussions over whether I’m secretly miserable. Thanks.

16. You find yourself deeply hating anyone making out in public

WHY DO YOU DESERVE LOVE*?

*Physical affection. God, I’m so alone.

17. But at the same time, the idea of getting all cosy with someone makes you feel a bit queasy

You’ve been single for so long that you’ve grown used to your life as an alone, untouched person. Being in love just wouldn’t be ‘you’.


18. Really, you’re not even sure if a date would be that fun anymore

Can anything really be as enjoyable as your current Friday night activity – catching up on work and watching Gilmore Girls while wearing a facemask and sweatpants?

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19. Dating as a concept just seems like a lot of effort, TBH

Whoa, wait a minute. I have to be fun and charming? I have to shower? I have to go out and talk to people? That sounds like a lot of work. I think I’ll just skip that for now.

20. In fact, you don’t even really need someone to date, just someone to think about dating

You know, someone to daydream over and occasionally Instagram stalk. Minimal effort. That’s hot.

21. Which results in a lot of fantasising about the last sexual or romantic encounter you had

The memory of that one time with that fit person is hazy now, but you’re pretty sure you can stretch it out for at least another few months

22. Sure, you sometimes do descend into a panic that you’re actually going to end up alone with a bunch of cats

It has been a while.

There’s no guarantee you ever will meet anyone again who falls madly in love with you. Everyone’s coupling off. It’s happening. Singledom is your destiny.

23. But at the same time, you’re slowly accepting that being single for a long time really wouldn’t be that bad

You’re mostly happy. You’re independent. You’re enjoying spending time alone.

Maybe you can just be one of those cool, empowered people that goes out to bars alone and travels the world.

24. Then you have your fifth sex dream in a week

I’m a strong, confident person who’s fulfilled on their own.

But also dear lord I’m alone, everything is sh*t, and sex would be great.

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