GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has traveled 584 million miles in an elliptical around its star, I’ve decided I need to be healthier and eat less pasta,” said Turner, revealing that the angular momentum from the Earth’s formation pushing it through 365 full rotations on its axis had previously inspired her to save money by bringing lunch from home. “Knowing that we are once again 91,401,983 miles from the sun, I’m going to start making salads too. I also have to make sure I stop late-night snacking for the entire time the Sun’s gravity is holding us in orbit until we return to this distance, I can’t just give up before the Earth’s tilt begins the gradual warming of it’s top half.” At press time, the Earth had not even completed a full rotation since Turner had made her vow to avoid sweets before she was eating a second piece of chocolate cake.

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