Publisher: Dell Publishing Co. Inc.

First Dell Printing, June 1973

Cover Art: Robert Foster

Plot Synopsis (of cover): Tommy Zardoz was in love, and this was the evening he had planned to make it official. It was one of the few things in Tommy’s life he’d never had to think about — his sweet Suzie Qbit was beautiful, intelligent, and enjoyed similar cosplay. So it was no surprise to Tommy when, under the Neapolitan moon, he got up the gumption to made his move. “I’m so in love with you, baby,” he squeaked, his leather penis bodice constricting his testicles, “And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. You’re the tops! What do you say, doll? You wanna be my one and only?” “Oh, wow,” Suzie exhaled. “You’re proposing? We’ve known each other for a week. I mean, you’re okay and all, but what happens at Intergalactic Comic Con stays at Intergalactic Comic Con.” Tommy was disappointed at the initial rebuff, but remained unshaken. “Oh, come on, lovely! We can make beautiful music together!” Unmoved by his impassioned pleading, Suzie said, “Look, it’s been fun, but I think I’m going to go now.” “Wait!” exclaimed Tommy, but it was too late. Suzie had activated her vaginal booster rockets, attaining escape velocity in mere seconds and jettisoning Tommy once more into the all-too-familiar Friend Quadrant. He hoped she would still Skype him—you don’t meet a gal with that kind of fuel capacity every day.

Relatively Irrelevant Inside Text: Heh. I don’t need to do much to embellish this plot to make it ridiculous. Space abortionist goes around goofy-gassing thousands of women in order to harvest their fertilized eggs and sell them on the black market. Said space abortionist falls in hate with the crème de la crème of hookers on the International Whore Station, goofy-gasses the cops to make an escape, gets tossed off by horny tadpoles, gets date raped (my Google search history now includes the question “is date rape hyphenated”) by his gay ex-prostitute navigator using his own goofy gas in pill form… his curiously mellow reaction to being buttsexed without permission is baffling enough on its own, but it occurs amidst such a colorful, whimsical future to make me wonder if ol’ Leo P. wasn’t a fan of the goofy gas hisownself. It’s like if Jim Henson and Walt Disney were asked to create a vision of the future where everyone was on drugs and horny. You know, the Most Magical Place on Earth… to get Fucked.

Rating: 8.8 Fertilized Rat-Mules

Questions for Critical Cover-Viewing:

* Could the skimpy outfits depicted here really provide thermal protection against such a torrent of minge lava?

* Is there a LiveJournal account somewhere at the bottom of the Internet that contains Zardoz / Fifth Element slashfic?

* Can you give three explanations for a burning sensation during urination?

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