I’m a guy, 18. An older girl, late-30’s, is going to be my first time having sex. She asked me to make a baby from it.

So is it bad to lose my virginity to her, and make a baby? I’d love to make a baby; I’m shocked, but so happy to be a dad. Or, sign my rights to the baby over to her? Any advice?

Here’s my advice: Do NOT make a baby — not now, not with her.

You’re in no way prepared to decide if you’ll be okay with having zero involvement with a child you brought into the world.

You’re also not ready, at 18, to share responsibility for that child, even if she wanted you around as a father. She doesn’t.

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That’s clear, since you already know about signing away your “rights.”

She wants a sperm-donor who’ll disappear, and let her do as she pleases with her baby.

Have your first sexual experience with someone who has a true attraction to you, not just to your reproductive fluids.

My nephew graduated from university and recently moved in with me. He’s at loose ends, but has one part-time job (20 hours weekly).

We discuss his plans, but he never takes action. He decided he’d apply to grad school, but hasn’t inquired when the entrance exam is or contacted former professors for recommendations, or begun studying.

We’ve talked about volunteer opportunities and/or additional part-time work in the field he likes, but he does nothing.

What’s a healthy, respectful way for me to be supportive? I recognize he’s trying to find his way, and I don’t want to impose solutions.

But I feel occasional “nudges” might have their place.

He agreed to my suggestion that we draw up a to-do list, placed where he’ll see it each day.

Is it reasonable for me to inquire how he’s doing on this list? If he doesn’t do anything on the list, do I let it slide? At what point do 20somethings’ “drifting” turn into something more serious?

Ultimately, I can give him a deadline by which he needs to pay rent or find other arrangements, but I’d prefer to help him take practical steps toward moving forward.

His parents are divorced, live elsewhere, aren’t providing much input.

His father says this is normal and not to intervene, his mother wants him to see a therapist.

He needs much more than a “nudge” and skirting the issue of his inertia.

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Reality checks, facts, and external motivation can be delivered through a professional career counsellor. If he resists and remains immobilized, then personal therapy is also needed.

Through career counselling, he’ll get information that’s objective, unaffected by family dynamics and personalities.

Your role — your caring and generosity are already well-established — is to firmly insist he go through this process.

The implication is that he can’t just hang out as a freeloader; he must go for his own sake, and for yours too, to honour your interest in him.

Sessions usually involve testing for his true aptitudes, exploring how these can be applied realistically, study of what’s needed to prepare to work in this field, and where the jobs are.

I’ve heard participants report relief and excitement at hearing a professional affirm that they do have skills and talents that can take them to a satisfying and achievable future.

Undoubtedly, his parents’ distanced input contributes to any feelings he has of uncertainty, possibly even hopelessness. Be alert to any deepening depression, which would mean therapy’s essential.

TIP OF THE DAY

Just say NO to sex with someone who’s only using you.

First Time

Concerned Aunt

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