Bonus Track Just Stupid Acoustic Version of Good Song

PEORIA, Ill. — Legendary street punk band The Drain Cloggers’ re-release of their seminal 2000 album, “The Ship’s Sinking and We’re Stuck in the Bathroom,” treated fans to a bonus digital download of a previously unreleased, shitty acoustic version of their best-known song, “The Godfarter,” disappointed sources confirmed.

“We wanted to give our fans something special to commemorate 20 years since our best album. It’s worth paying $45 for the remastered version of the record for this song alone, I promise you,” said singer Dicky Cippilloni. “I found an old recording from an open mic that is a 10-minute slow, serious version of our fans’ favorite song about politicians ripping huge farts. I think I recorded it to impress a girl I was seeing and I was super-wasted, but it holds up.”

“I think it’s my Billie Joe moment. This will be the time of my life, indeed,” Cippilloni continued. “A little B-side that catches fire and shoots me into superstardom. And the band, too.”

Fan reaction, however, is dampening Cippilloni’s plans of solo stardom.

“They pulled some bullshit on this,” said Fritz Acton, a self-described Drain Cloggers superfan. “I was so stoked for the reissue — I love me some B-sides, and ‘The Godfarter’ is just as relevant now as it was back then, if not more so. Politicians are still stinking up the place, you know? But right there, next to the name in those half-moon-line like things, is the word ‘acoustic.’ It’s like they stabbed us in the back. I was hoping we might finally hear the song about Monica Lewinsky’s dress that they only played live once, but no luck.”

In a rare agreement with the fanbase, music critics also panned the lazy excuse for a bonus track.

“A bonus track is supposed to be almost as good as a real song,” said punk vlogger critic, “The Pit Ref.” “An acoustic version of anything is never good. You lose all of the power of a song when nothing is plugged in, and the lyrics sound especially stupid when you can actually understand them.”

Cippilloni allegedly also plans to include a bonus spoken word track on the Drain Cloggers next reissue in five years.