“Earth can set you free.”

Bismuth is the first two-part episode in the series that was structured as a single long episode. Beta and Earthlings should have been the second.

This isn’t the first time the first half of a two-parter has ended abruptly (here’s lookin’ at you, It Could’ve Been Great), but there’s a difference between wrapping up a story without much resolution and just cutting to commercial midway through the story, and Beta does the latter. It’s not even a cliffhanger, it’s the beginning of a new scene that pauses for effect and starts exactly where it left off in Earthlings. In most regions they premiered back to back, and could be confused for a single unit if not for the title card.

This isn’t an actual complaint: it’s a harmless distinction to have Bismuth as one episode and Beta and Earthlings as two, especially because Zuke’n’Florido boarded this one and Molisee’n’Villeco boarded the next. But when you’re writing episodic reviews, you have to take the segments as they’re presented, and it is really difficult to review the first half of this story as a discrete unit. The rough equivalent would be writing about Bismuth up until they exit the forge and just stopping there.

I’m not gonna cheat and review Beta and Earthlings at the same time, despite them literally being one story. I could dig in hard to my view that they’re more connected than Mirror Gem/Ocean Gem, The Return/Jailbreak, It Could’ve Been Great/Message Received, and Super Watermelon Island/Gem Drill, but that wouldn’t change that they’re technically two different episodes, and I’m not changing the goal of this blog (to review the series episodically as parts of a whole) out of convenience.

But I am gonna cheat and pull my header quote from Earthlings. Because despite Peridot getting that wonderful moment then, it’s really about what’s happening now.

You can apply a three-act structure to just about any story if you try hard enough, but Beta is more smoothly divided into halves: Steven and friends at the barn, and Steven and friends at the Beta Kindergarten. The second half is fine. It’s honestly more than fine. We’ll talk about it, of course. But the first half is one of my favorite things in the world.

Amethyst’s arc continues to benefit from its funky flow. Our very first shot is of her whip cracking, outfitted with Bismuth’s upgrade, evoking both Bismuth and, well, Crack the Whip. Steven is still helping her out from Steven vs. Amethyst, and just like in that episode, his encouragement is only hurting: he compliments Amethyst’s whippery (and to be fair, he’s doing it more genuinely than in their video game fight), but she reveals that she’s still down on herself. In less than thirty seconds, we’re right back into the swing of things after a huge episode that had something but not everything to do with Amethyst’s insecurities.



And then we get to the barn.

The Meep Morp Exhibit is Florido’n’Zuke’s finest hour, and I’m saying that as a huge fan of Last One Out of Beach City. It’s everything I want in hangout comedy on this show, and thank goodness it has time to stretch, because every second counts. Like It Could’ve Been Great, we get a first half with a killer opening featuring Peridot, but this time we benefit from spending about half the episode basking in its glory.

(As tempting as it is to spend the rest of the post just telling each joke and intermittently saying “that was so funny,” I’m gonna write about the characters instead of the events. I know, I know, nothing is more entertaining than reading an over-analysis of comedy that threatens to take all the joy out of one of the most joyous sequences in the series, but you’ll just have to deal with it.)

I haven’t talked much about Jennifer Paz yet, but that’s because I’ve been saving it for now: it’s easy to argue she has better showcases than Beta (Can’t Go Back is likely her best episode, and The New Crystal Gems shows off her impersonation skills), but this is a terrific medley of all things Lapis Lazuli. We get sweet and earnest Lapis, pleased as punch to see Steven. We get hesitant but assertive Lapis, smiling while delivering a pitch-perfect “No” to Peridot’s request to fly everyone into the barn. We get Daria Lapis, dry as a bone as she talks about Meep Morps (a rare honest-to-god alien joke in a show about aliens). And we get Lapis as a comedy partner with Peridot; the Paz Pic above is the other half of the image I used for Shelby Rabara in Catch and Release, and like their characters they’re unstoppable together. It’s so great to see Lapis and Peridot getting along, considering we last saw them in a tentative truce, and the new status quo we establish here pays major dividends in the future.

In lesser hands, the tonal fluidity between sincere and sarcastic could have made Lapis seem inconsistent, but Paz has mastered both sides of the equation to the point where it all feels real. This dual nature fuels the best joke of the episode—Lapis correcting Steven’s analysis of a Camp Pining Hearts teen repeating “I just feel trapped” while surrounded by mirrors by saying she just likes the show—because it’s impossible to tell if she’s just messing with us (sorry, had to throw one joke analysis in there). It’s brilliant that a character who has been ambiguous from the start can retain this trait while shifting towards the side of our heroes.

And it makes her a great foil to Peridot, the straightest shooter in the series (not because she wants to be, but because she’s so unsavvy that it’s impossible for her to hide her emotions from us). She’s the consummate host here, openly admitting her desire to impress their guests and snooty without shame as she presents her Morps by name and tells us what they represent. Her bowtie is a wonderful gag by itself, but it gets even better when we see the doll she won in Too Short to Ride, whose bowtie has clearly been ripped out, floating helplessly in the water without comment (okay, last joke analysis, I promise).

Amethyst’s antsy desire to leave and focus on Jasper keeps us grounded: I could watch an entire episode about Lapis and Peridot showing off their exhibit without any conflict, but we have to keep the ball rolling on Amethyst’s story. Her loud lack of enthusiasm may seem mean (and it is), but showing her reject repurposed junk reveals just how out of it our trash-loving heroine really is. Plus, as she points out on their walk over, she has no reason to think much of Lapis, whose only interactions with Amethyst have been fights or playing baseball as gloomily as possible. Her attitude isn’t enough to put a damper on one of the best scenes in the series, but skillfully keeps us from drifting too far into the majestic realm of Gem Art.

In terms of the immediate plot, the actual goal here is getting Amethyst in the same room as Peridot, who’s the key to resolving her arc in two ways: she has actual answers in regards to Jasper, and she shares a history with Amethyst involving their mutual feelings of inadequacy. We get references to both Too Short to Ride and Too Far here as they talk about size and Kindergartens, and it’s a natural step in Amethyst’s growth to be helped by someone she once helped. This is a Peridot who’s aware of Amethyst’s issues with how she was made, who’s confident and even proud of her short stature, who’s a total ham with her developing metal powers, and who gives casual nicknames and pep talks when her friends are down. None of that would have been possible without her friendship with Amethyst, and it’s time for her to return the favor.

The Beta Kindergarten’s red sandstone has a warmer, brighter feel than the Kindergarten we know and fear, and we can actually see the sky. So while Amethyst’s cheerful attitude in On the Run acts as a contrast to the unsettling setting, Peridot’s snotty appraisal leans comedic. Shelby Rabara’s mean girl delivery of lines like “It was obviously a total rush job” is entertaining, sure, but it also shows a cute implied influence from Camp Pining Hearts and Lapis in her manner of speaking: it’s the same disdain we’ve seen from her throughout the series, but now through the filter of a haughty teen. We could have gotten away with a straight exposition dump about the Beta location’s role in the rebellion, because it’s fascinating lore and Peridot can be mechanical, but as ever, the opportunity is taken to characterize.

As the tour continues, that classic Kindergarten feeling creeps up on us. The eerie instrumentation that accompanies the Prime location quietly emerges as Steven takes a long look at a broken injector, and ominous percussion plays as we finally see Jasper’s hole, taking the wind out of Peridot’s rambling for a moment of whispered terror. Her attitude soon returns (I love that she dismissively refers to the enormous Jasper as “tall”), but is muted once again when we learn the cleverest plot point of Amethyst’s arc.

We know that Amethyst emerged late and small, and that she was an exception in the otherwise sterling track record of the Prime Kindergarten. But now, after minutes of pointing out how all the denizens of Beta were a mess, we realize that Jasper is Amethyst’s polar opposite: a single massive success in a sea of mediocrity. She’s not just good, she’s perfect, born right on time and flexing her muscles all the way out. It’s worth repeating that a handful of episodes ago there was zero connection between Amethyst and Jasper, but thanks to some seriously elegant writing the pair now feels fully intertwined.

There isn’t an actual resolution to Beta, but the closest we get is Amethyst’s newfound resolve to beat Jasper. After an entire episode spent sulking, our hero is finally revved back up and brimming with enthusiasm, which leaves Peridot picking up the buzzkill baton. Amethyst may be in a better place, and her kinship with the messy offspring of Beta is heartwarming, but she still thinks the only road to satisfaction is defeating her rival in single combat. It’s a mindset that befits her quartz heritage, but I’m glad that it’s Peridot, who got out of her own slump with help from Amethyst, who feels comfortable pointing out that it’s not a realistic goal. Steven’s input has been consistent throughout the episode, and Peridot (who was once told not to focus on what she can’t do by a certain purple Gem) could have been drawn in by Amethyst’s zeal. But for all her artistic sensibilities, this is still a blunt realist, and after going out of her way to try and prove Jasper’s inferiority she’s still forced to admit that Amethyst’s goal is a pipe dream.

Steven keeps to the background here, due to that consistent input. Obviously he’s still charming and helpful, but Beta is more about Amethyst and Peridot in the grand scheme of things. It shows his continuing growth as a leader, realizing that a kindred spirit like Peridot could help Amethyst out, and he still gets a brief pep talk that gets the ball rolling on Amethyst’s rekindled desire to fight Jasper. But he’ll get more focus after the commercial break. For now, we realize that the strange holes are cages for Corrupted Gems, then Jasper emerges from behind a sand cloud, then Amethyst pulls out her whip, then





Future Vision!

We actually meet the Beta Kindergarteners that Amethyst was hyping up in That Will Be All, including Skinny and the Carnelian that Peridot mentioned.

I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?



Dude, spoilers that Peridot’s gonna become a farmer!



We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!



It’s our hundredth episode! And that means a new expansion of the top list from fifteen to twenty! When It Rains, Catch and Release, Chille Tid, and Keeping It Together return to the higher heights, while Bismuth squeezes right in in the sixteenth slot. We’ll be expanding again to a top 25 at episode 125 to maintain the percentage of glory for another moment.

As for Beta itself, it was a tough call. But if I’m being honest with myself, I love the opening scene so much that it makes up for it only being half a story. I’ve watched that scene alone so many times and it still satisfies.

Top Twenty



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5. Horror Club

4. Fusion Cuisine

3. House Guest

2. Sadie’s Song

1. Island Adventure