Dear Friend, Family Member, Loved One, and/or Business Associate:

Illustration by Laurie Rosenwald

Thank you for your e-mail, which, if it is under three (3) sentences long, I have read. Owing to the large volume of e-mails I’m receiving at this time, please note that it will sometimes take up to fourteen (14) calendar days, though sometimes longer (and sometimes much longer), to respond to your e-mail; in the interim, please rest assured that I am attempting to address, resolve, or think about the matter you have described, unless, of course, I’m avoiding the matter entirely. Some possible reasons for this include:

—Thinking about the matter gives me a headache.

—Thinking about the matter takes longer than forty-five (45) seconds.

—Thinking about the matter is simple enough, and takes less than forty-five (45) seconds, but, when combined with all the other e-mails in my in-box, it creates a synergy of matterdom, exacerbating the headaches mentioned at the beginning of this list.

Please note that if your e-mail is more than three (3) sentences in length I have read the first three (3) sentences, skimmed the opening paragraph, and sort of eyeballed the rest of it. Please do not expect a response to your e-mail anytime soon, if at all, for I am not a mind reader, and therefore cannot guess the nature of anything beyond the first three (3) sentences. For those of you who continue to insist on sending e-mails longer than three (3) sentences, here is a Wikipedia entry on haiku. Reformat your e-mails accordingly, as in this example:

I am busy now; The Internet has stolen So much precious time.

Under certain circumstances, you may feel as though you cannot express the matter at hand in less than three (3) sentences. Below, please find some possible reasons for this, and their solutions:

—If your e-mail attempts to provide a detailed update on what you’ve been doing since high school, or to “fill me in” on a time period longer than five (5) calendar years, then please call the number provided at the bottom of the e-mail.

—If your e-mail refers to nuanced emotional matters relating to but not limited to a current, prior, potential, or perceived romantic involvement, then please call the number provided at the bottom of the e-mail.

—If your e-mail has been cc’d to three (3) or more people, and includes complicated yet unresolved logistical information regarding the location, time, or general coördination of an upcoming social gathering involving five (5) or more people, then please wait until two (2) hours after the last respondent has answered and then please call the number provided at the bottom of the e-mail. (Be prepared to detail the conclusions reached by the e-mail chain.)

On rare occasions, I will respond almost immediately to your e-mail with a one-to-two-word response. Here is a guide to those responses:

LOL: I am laughing out loud, owing to the absurdity, humor, or sheer stupidity of the matter about which you are writing.

Haha!: See LOL.

Thank you!: Thank you.

THANK YOU!!!!!: Thank you!

Yes!: I approve of, give my consent to, or agree with that which you have written.

Yes!!!!!: I wholeheartedly approve of, give my consent to, or agree with that which you have written.

No: I in no way approve of, give my consent to, or agree with that which you have written.

No!: I am upset and/or disheartened by that which you have written.

Boo!: I am palpably disappointed and/or trying to frighten you.

PPPSSEOT(3)SIL: Please, please, please stop sending e-mails over three (3) sentences in length.

Should you receive a speedy one-to-two-word response, please do not read anything into it. More often than not, such a response doesn’t even correspond to the content of your e-mail. Please note that this auto-response should not be perceived as granting you permission to send any future e-mails, of any length, for any reason.

In closing, I would like to say that the Internet has become a veritable buzzing, stinging hornet’s nest of pings and pongs and klings and klangs, so please do not e-mail, text-message, instant-message, direct-message, Facebook-message (if you’re still on MySpace or Friendster, that’s just plain creepy), Facebook-chat, iChat, tweet, retweet (don’t even mention Twitter mentions), StumbleUpon, LinkIn with, zoom into, Google Buzz, Plaxify, Jigsaw, Digg, Skype, Spoke, poke, flick, or tag me. Don’t boxball, squareball, jingl, jangl, mingl, mangl, FairShare, Foursquare, twosquare, do-si-do, or swing your laptop round and round. I just want to be left alone.

Thanking you for your anticipated coöperation and understanding in this matter,

[Name]

[Fake Telephone Number] ♦