Sir Gawain And The Green Knight

GREEN KNIGHT: hi hi

come over

it’ll be fun

we can whack off each other’s heads with swords

GAWAIN: what

GREEN KNIGHT: you can make out with my wife

GAWAIN: sorry what

GREEN KNIGHT: you can make out with me

GAWAIN: what?

GREEN KNIGHT: come over

we’ll have dinner

with all our heads on and also clothes

GAWAIN: your clothes – your hair – your face – they’re all green

GREEN KNIGHT: that’s not all of me that’s green

GAWAIN: what is that supposed to mean

GREEN KNIGHT: let’s play a game

you hit me today and i’ll hit you a year from now

GAWAIN: it’s Christmas

GREEN KNIGHT: fine

hit me today and i’ll hit you a year and a day from now

happy?

GAWAIN: I don’t understand the rules of this game

or the prize

what is the end goal here

GREEN KNIGHT: are you going to try to cut my head off or what

[GAWAIN cuts the GREEN KNIGHT’s head off]

GREEN KNIGHT: great hit

see you in a year

[The GREEN KNIGHT picks his head up and rides away]

GAWAIN: oh my God

KING ARTHUR: honestly

my advice to you is not even worry about this

GUINEVERE: yeah do not take this seriously

GAWAIN: why would I do that

that’s a terrible idea

this man can’t die and I have to let him strike me in a year

KING ARTHUR: look i just said that was my advice

GREEN KNIGHT: welcome to my castle, we’ve definitely never cut off each other’s heads before, my name is Bertilak and I am a regular human color, how are you

GAWAIN: Hello

thank you for your hospitality, but I cannot stay long

I have an appointment with a man at the Green Chapel in a few days

GREEN KNIGHT: that is JUST down the road from here, probably

you should just stay here until it’s time for that, stay here with me and my wife

GAWAIN: very well

I accept

GREEN KNIGHT: oh but shoot I have to go on a hunt, like right now

so why don’t we just agree to play a game for as long as you’re staying here

where I bring you whatever I find during the day

and you bring me whatever you find during the day

GAWAIN: what an odd suggestion

why don’t I just come hunting with you instead?

GREEN KNIGHT: NO

YOU STAY HERE IN THE CASTLE AND YOU GIVE ME WHATEVER YOU FIND HERE

GAWAIN: but you already own everything in the castle, it’s your c –

GREEN KNIGHT: I WILL SEE YOU ON THE MORROW

LADY BERTILAK: whatcha kissin’

GAWAIN: what?

nothing

LADY BERTILAK: let’s make out

GAWAIN: I don’t feel like we should do that

LADY BERTILAK: if you don’t kiss me at least once it would really hurt my feelings

GAWAIN: well

if it would hurt your feelings

LADY BERTILAK: great

now you can make out with my husband tonight

GREEN KNIGHT: GAWAIN

I have brought you a deer from today’s hunt

what do you have for me

GAWAIN: I uh

I guess I have some kissing for you to have

GREEN KNIGHT: sounds great [they kiss]

ok see you tomorrow

GAWAIN: oh I really don’t want to play this game again, this is making me sort of unco –

GREEN KNIGHT: see you tomorrow

LADY BERTILAK: let’s have sex

GAWAIN: Okay, no for two reasons

one is that you are my host’s wife and also it goes against every vow of knighthood ever

and the second half of the second reason is that then I would have to also have sex with your husband

according to your weird castle sex game

LADY BERTILAK: mm that sounds like a Gawain problem

not a Lady Bertilak problem

GAWAIN: I’m not having sex with you

LADY BERTILAK: fine

here’s my underwear though, you have to take it

otherwise it would be rude

GAWAIN: well I don’t want to be rude

excuse me, I have to go kiss your husband again

GREEN KNIGHT: Well, Gawain

it’s been a great time here at Castle Makeout

but you’d better go fight that Green Knight you keep talking about

GAWAIN: I will probably perish when it is his turn to deliver the blow

Farewell, friend

GREEN KNIGHT: Gawain

Gawain it was me the whole time

GAWAIN: what

GREEN KNIGHT: I’m the same guy

and I’m not gonna kill you

I’m just gonna fuck up your neck a little because you kept my wife’s underwear and didn’t tell me

but you’re all right, guy

you’re all right

GAWAIN: what the hell

what the hell was the point of any of this

why the hell did you set all this up for

GREEN KNIGHT: :)

GAWAIN: what the HELL

KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: henceforth we shall all wear green sashes

to celebrate the valuable lesson we have learned this day

GAWAIN: WHAT LESSON

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED

KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: :)