So, though no fault of your own, you are a young conservative male coming of age in a time when the deck is so heavily stacked against you that it’s like Michael Moore was leaning on it. Sure, it’s entirely the fault of a liberal elite led by President Nine Iron and a culture that bought into its lies long before you were born, but suck it up. It isn’t an excuse for failure – you may have an uphill climb at a higher angle of incline than I did, but tough luck. I can’t make the environment for you any friendlier, but maybe I can share some insights that might help.

Now, this is targeted to straight conservative males from 18-25 not because of the inherent cisnormative racism your TA told you about but because that’s who I was. Those who identify as “women” are welcome to take what they can from it. Those who are gay, well, my gaydar is so bad anyway that my exceedingly hot wife is constantly telling me, “Wait, you didn’t know XXXXX was gay? How did you not know XXXXX was gay?”

For those of you who are quick on the uptake, the key takeaway from that last paragraph is that I have an “exceedingly hot wife.” For that reason, if no other, you should listen to me. We’ll discuss relationships down the line. But first:

Join the Army

Or the Marines, or the Navy, or Coast Guard, or even the Air Force, if you swing that way. I’m not judging. The point is, you should do a tour if you are one of the 30% of Americans who can qualify for military service. It will change your life, and enroll you in a true fraternity, one of men (and women) of extraordinary character and commitment that puts into perspective the cute, childlike Delta Cappa Whatevers and their bizarre paddling rituals.

When you earn a place in the ranks of those who defend our country, it may well be the first thing you ever really earned. There’s no helicopter mommy to complain to the drill sergeant that he needs to be more understanding of your delicate nature. There are no excuses of any kind. You will have earned something that is totally yours and can never be taken away – and you will live a life adventure that your contemporaries who are now second assistant to the guy who runs the Xerox machine can only dream of. Plus, chicks dig it. Trust me.

Think Carefully Before You Go To College

If you aren’t already through college, why are you wanting to go? Understand that college is, to a significant extent, a scam. Hey, maybe you will get lucky and go to a place like Hillsdale where the word “education” isn’t a synonym for “drunken four-year vacation surrounded by petty fascists,” but the odds are against you. College was a huge help to me back in the 80’s, when a bachelors at UC San Diego didn’t mean I’d still be paying off debt out of my Social Security checks. I got to write humor, edit a conservative paper, and work on Capitol Hill, plus I have a lifetime of stories about my beer-fuelled adventures. Notice how none of that has to do with actual classes?

Consider living your life instead. If you really want to go to college, it can wait until you’ve lived a little. Finish a hitch in the service. Get a job. You’ll then be able to make the most of your investment. I did law school after my first tour, and paid much of it with the GI Bill. I was prepared for class every single day, while everyone else showed up nursing hangovers. Sure, I was hungover too, but I was prepared, damnit, because I was three months out of a war zone and officers didn’t show up unprepared.

Unfortunately, you do need a bachelors to do certain things, like go to law school. And on that note, don’t go to law school. Just trust me. Unless you want to spend your life making guys like me richer, take the money you’d borrow for it and not borrow it. Don’t go a quarter million dollars in debt so some name partner’s wife can get a pink Tesla to match her shoes. But if you do, let me know. I will appreciate your sacrifice, and so will my exceedingly hot wife.

Pick a Career You Don’t Hate

You will be faced with the dilemma of choosing short-term money over long-term satisfaction. Don’t choose the money. I know liberals think we are all about money, but liberals know nothing or they would not be liberals.

Now, this notion is not some Millennial happy talk; it’s based on cold, hard reality. Life is too short to throw away doing something you hate, unless you incurred obligations and have no choice, in which case be a man and suck it up.

But, as a practical matter, if you hate it, you’ll do it poorly. And if you do it poorly you won’t rise. But if you love what you do – not always, and not every minute, but in general – you’ll focus on it and get better at it and, in the long run, you will succeed.

Hard work actually works. Sure, this economy sucks, and you can’t ride the crest of the Reagan wave of prosperity like I did, but then technology gives you opportunities and options I didn’t have starting out. Want to make a movie? Hell, you can get equipment for five grand that in the 1990s would have cost you a quarter million. Liberals want you to think there are limits, that you are trapped, that you can’t succeed. They lie.

If You Want A Real Woman, Be A Real Man

Remember my exceedingly hot wife? You should, because your romantic relationship should be the cornerstone of your life and you want to get it right. Now, in a world of creepy feminists and whiny femboys, you need to understand that biology still trumps stupid social fads. Women want men. Not girly men. Not boys. Not manchildren. Men.

This is true of liberal women too, whether they admit it or not, but you don’t want one of them – well, at least for more than a few hours. Which reminds me – have an alias and use it.

The point is to avoid liberal women. If you see a chick hauling around a mattress, keep moving no matter how open to experimentation you hear she is. Do not become the lead in some daddy issue-plagued hysteric’s personal psychodrama.

You want a conservative woman. Ignore the liberal deniers – science proves that right wing women are hotter and sexier. Hey, conservatives don’t tend to have large families because they’re prudes. With liberal girls, a romantic interlude means a lot of sobbing about patriarchy, plus the vibe gets spoiled when you have to constantly stop to notarize affirmative consent forms.

There’s a lot of pressure on you young men to be passive and, frankly, wussy. Reject it. Call the girl. Don’t freaking text – texting is for the weak. Call her, like a man, and tell her what you want: “Hey, I want to take you out to [Quality Place] Friday. I want to pick you up at 7. You in?”

None of this lame, ambiguous texting crap: “Want 2 hangout w/ sum friends maybe sumwhere sumtime? LOL ;)”

Hang out, shmangout. Be a man and ask her on a damn date. She’ll be shocked, and pleased. Then open the door for her because you are a man and she’s a woman and men open doors for women whether the hairy-pitted, never-got-asked-to-the-prom crew from the local Womens’ Resource Center likes it or not.

Oh, and pay the check. Why? Because you are the man and I don’t care if she makes more than you. You asked her out, you’re the host. Pay the check.

And of course you should go out with a woman who asks you out. She’s got it together and knows what she wants. And if she asks you out and wants to pay, fine. But you still better open the door for her or I’ll smack you.

A date is an audition – you are auditioning her for the role of the woman you will spend the rest of your life with. If she’s cool, tell her, and tell her you’ll be calling her the next day. Then call her.

“Oh, Kurt, but she’ll think I like her and then maybe reject me!” Sheesh, that’s pathetic. Stop caring about rejection and start caring about not being a wuss who cares about rejection. Oh no, a chick didn’t like you! Trust me, you’ll find the strength to move on. And if you don’t, it’s only right and proper that your pathetic genetic line ends when you die alone in your mom’s basement.

Now, does my conservative advice work? Let’s review the key point here: “Exceedingly hot wife.” Any questions