I was minding my own business, eating a Santa Fe chicken salad and undressing pedestrians with my eyes on a busy sidewalk in Pasadena, Calif., when the Chair of the Chemistry Department at Cal Tech approached me and asked me to deliver the annual Graige L. Speeman Memorial Lecture in Chemistry. It was 11:50 a.m.., and the lecture was supposed to start at noon!

My first reaction was to say, “I think you must have mistaken me for someone else — all I know about chemistry is what I learned back in high school.”

But my second reaction was that beggars can’t be choosers: here I was being invited to give a prestigious lecture in a pretty kick-ass subject, and I would have been an idiot to refuse.

I delivered the lecture.

This could happen to anyone, and in case it happens to you, I offer my notes from that momentous day:

Good morning.

What is chemistry? Chemistry is the study of atoms, and how molecules work. Molecules are the tiniest part of the universe, not counting atoms. There are supposedly even smaller particles, quarks, but the jury is still out on those.

Imagine the smallest thing your eye can see, such as a miniature golf ball, and then imagine that this ball was a million times smaller. And then push further into your imagination of how small things can be. This will give you some idea of what we’re dealing with. 10 to the negative … what? (Please hold your remarks until the end).

The particles move with incredible speed, sometimes up to the speed of light. Is light made up of atoms? Yes and no.

What else? Neutrons, protons, and electrons are all swirling around the base station, forming a swirling shape that looks like a computer company’s logo.

There is space between all of atoms. Nothing is solid, including the ground you’re standing on. This thought can be paralyzing.

Oh: the Periodic table! All of the elements are on it, arranged in rows. What is an element? Essentially it’s a molecule, but one that has been given special status by the powers that be. It’s very political. Silver, gold, you name it – you would recognize a lot of the elements on the table, but you’d be surprised by a few: Arsenic? You thought that was a poison, right? Answer: it can be both.

What’s element #1 on the periodic table? Gold? No, it’s most likely water, H20, the building block of life.

Let’s say you take a normal slice of turkey from the grocery store and cut it in half with some scissors. Now there is an empty space where the scissors cut it. Did the turkey molecules disappear? No, no one can destroy matter, not even Mr. McHollen. It simply goes somewhere else. In this case, the turkey atoms could have been smushed more tightly to nearby turkey molecules, making space for the scissors.

In order to truly explain what happened, you would have to have the knowledge to make an atomic bomb. “From the tiniest thing, the biggest explosion.” R.I.P.

Cold fusion? Is basically bullshit. But dare to dream, is the attitude a lot of mavericks take toward it. Best wishes to them.

Words of wisdom to leave you with? “A body at rest stays at rest.” But now we’re getting into physics. For that, you’ll just have to wait for my next lecture.

(wait for applause, light a smoke bomb, kick open the exit door)