Last week, I saw R. Kelly. Ticketmaster said it was sold out, but a couple of my buddies and I managed to get 8th row orchestra seats at the box office. Below is a transcript of the text messages I sent to my girlfriend from the concert.

8:16pm

overwhelmed by the merchandise booth

0 white people

8:35pm

voiceover announcing “r-minus 5 minutes until the show begins,” “r-minus 60 seconds,” etc

lights up he’s at the top of a staircase everything is white

8:46pm

Bump n grind remix?

8:55pm

all-white custom made leather jacket with light-up embroidered “LADIES” on left sleeve & “V.I. ME” on back?

there is a “singles bar” on either side of the stage a roadie just brought out two women to sit and dance/drink at each

everyone knows all the words

9:16pm

Some girl whispered in R Kelly’s ear and he said “holy shit i’m r Kelly and i haven’t even heard that shit before that’s some new shit even for me”

R Kelly just stopped and said he’s performed 35 songs and he’s not doing any more. it’s been 40 minutes

now he’s reading the set list.

now he’s sitting in a throne

now he’s making women dance like strippers one at a time

this is like a cross between the Apollo and heaven but R Kelly is god

R Kelly is now wearing a paper crown?

“interesting, interesting. It’s hard for a girl your size to go back like that” -kellz the adjudicator

9:33pm

he is now singing trapped in the closet acapella

Just sang the beginning of bump and grind acapella this is sensory overload

He is now singing opera literally he is singing italian opera

9:46pm

He just went offstage and a voiceover just announced he’s in the audience

talking a lot about “doin’ this 27 years”

he’s over to the left we found him

like he’s offstage now but there’s a cage on the stage and he’s wearing the vest from 12 play

now he’s in the cage with a girl and there’s a white sheet over it it’s shaking are they fighting?

lights up, silhouette suggests he was performing a sex act

he’s now brought out mics for karaoke

They’re just piping in his music with mics pointed at the crowd and he’s smoking a cigar?

I’m honestly not sure what’s happening right now

10:01pm

He just stopped a song and started slapping the air and syncopated ass slap sound effects happened for like a while and then he started singing again and acted like it didnt just happen

like a woman in the front row grabbed his penis for like 10 seconds

He’s stopped singing and he’s talking about wishes

talking about his mom RIP

waving to his mom? RIP

talking about Obama, cheers

10:11pm

just said he “doesn’t do this for the money” literally into a diamond-encrusted microphone

just pulled a woman on stage & hugged her gingerly and then threw her off stage she was literally thrown off stage

singing the lyrics “shower down on me” over and over with no irony

Doing a move that ends with a hitler salute

10:16pm

Getting really emotional during “i believe i can fly”

OK now it’s over i think