The protocols of festival-going can be complex, with predicaments presenting themselves at every turn. Fret not – our agony uncle is on hand to rescue you from all manner of moral dilemmas and social gaffes.

I bought a ticket with my girlfriend to Glastonbury and then we broke up after I caught her cheating with my best friend. What shall I do?

First and foremost, I would suggest getting better friends. Then I think you need to radically reprioritise your life. I would say give the tickets to your former best friend and the ex, and pray for a hurricane.

Is it OK to take my nine-month-old baby to a festival?

Yeah, it should be, although you should be ready to have a pretty frank discussion with your baby before you go. You need to have ground rules. It’s important to establish some meeting-up points. Also, you need to give your baby some space. It’s important that they feel that you trust them.

Festivals are really, really expensive these days. I’ve got a ticket but I can’t afford to party. Do you have any money-saving tips?

Aside from applying for a job at the festival, which might be the way to go next year, you can always forage for mushrooms. There are always naturally occuring inebriating substances. You could also forgo drinking water entirely to get that natural high. Also, most music contains frequency ranges that can have euphoric effects. I think it’s around the 0-3Hz range that decreases your awareness of the physical world. So maybe just stand really close to a sub-bass speaker.

Last year my festival experience was spoiled by someone throwing wee on my head. I went back to my tent and cried. How do I avoid the same thing happening this year?

Well, given that that is easily the most miserable, pathetic scenario I can think of, I reckon that statistically you are bound to have a marginally better time this year. There’s nowhere to go but up. And maybe stop hanging around the portable loo, wear a fucking hat, and be a man!

I never know what to take to wear at a festival. Two bikinis, a poncho and a pair of wellies seem a bit uncool. I don’t think Kendall Jenner would wear that. What would you recommend? Is she wearing both bikinis simultaneously?

That’s interesting. I would recommend wearing all of the clothes and starting a trend. Then sit back and wait until next year when Kendall Jenner is wearing exactly the same thing.

My friend’s just broken up with her boyfriend and I don’t want to spend the whole weekend consoling her and feeling bummed out. What should I do?

I think you should let your friend know your feelings, and then pretty soon you won’t have any friends to worry about.

What’s the best night for getting really drunk at a festival?

Every day at a festival is more or less indistinguishable from the day proceeding or following it. My experience of festivals is milling around in small groups, joylessly asking one another if you plan on seeing a band and being asked “How are you doing?” by acts on stage. I’d say each and every day at a festival is only improved by getting completely sloshed.

I hate cider. Can I still have fun at a festival?

If you hate cider as a thing, then I’m sorry, you are truly fucked. You can’t have it all in this life. Just avoid festivals completely.

My group of colleagues like to get really tripped out at festivals but I don’t. Can I still have fun at a festival?

There’s nothing more fun then consoling your co-worker who takes psychedelics like once a year while she’s convinced the whole world is breathing in unison and Kanye West is speaking to her directly through his music. Is it worse than a Christmas-party scenario? At least at the office Christmas party you can leave. A festival is, sort of, this liminal space where there’s this dystopian Kafka-esque reality where there’s a moratorium on common sense. It’s a waking nightmare.

Father John Misty will play Glastonbury festival on 27 June