7:01am: Wake up. Briefly debate going back to sleep, as I am still tired. Decide I’d prefer for mom to be cranky and tired, too. Commence wailing.

7:05am: Consume two bowls of cereal by attempting to drink the milk out of the bowl first. Appear confused when mom picks rice crispies out my hair and the carpet between sobs.

7:30am: Passionately protest every cartoon choice on TV despite the fact that we now have 300 extra channels, thanks to Mom’s incessant bitching at the cable company over recent outages. When Mom suggests turning the TV off, pick the remote off the table and pistol-whip her into submission.

8:14am: Notice that Mom appears to be logging in to start work for the day. Hatch plans to prevent this from happening at all costs.

9:05am: Request juice by deliberately screaming “JEWS!” in Mom’s ear as she is trying to type.

9:06am: Refuse to consume juice. Demand milk instead.

9:07am: Refuse to consume milk. Demand water instead.

9:08am: Refuse to consume water. Demand pop instead. When Mom says no, violently throw my sippy cup of ice water directly at her head.

9:09 – 10:31am: Stomp around screaming “Pop? POP! Pop? POP!” until Mom finally succumbs to my verbal waterboarding and pours a small amount of her Diet Rite into my cup of water and ice. Show contempt for watered-down pop by picking up my toddler chair and throwing it at Mom’s bare feet.

11:19am: Notice that Mom is struggling to stop excess water from pouring out of the dishwasher while it runs. Choose this exact moment in time to ride my plastic motorcycle, which was supposed to be an outside toy, directly into the back of Mom’s knees.

11:20am: Learn several new four-letter words. Make mental note not to repeat them until the next time we are at a library or church. Demand bath #1 of the day.

11:45am: Refuse to eat anything for lunch but cheese sticks and hot dogs. Take one bite of each and promptly stuff them into the couch.

12:37am: Wait for Mom to make her own lunch. Rip fork out of her hand and consume 90% of the meal. Hand her back the cold leftovers, calling them “dross.”

1:05pm: Clap for joy when my babysitter arrives. Wonder why Mom calls her Saint Clare. Insist on referring to her only as “Cloo.”

1:57pm: Notice that Mom is packing up to leave. Am totally fine with this, but decide to throw a fit anyway because I know I’ll get candy out of it.

1:59pm: Mom leaves, mumbling something about having to spend her whole paycheck on goldfish crackers and fruit snacks. Am convinced she is just standing on the other side of the door crying in defeat. Begin plotting repeat attacks.

3:30pm: Mom returns. We drive Cloo home.

3:49pm: Fall asleep in my car seat exactly 3 minutes prior to pulling into our driveway.

3:55pm: Wake up from my “nap” to find myself tucked in to sleep with Blankie. The horror. Run into kitchen to inspect groceries. Demand to sample each snack food before allowing Mom to put them away.

4:34pm: Demand bath #2. Refuse to get out, despite the fact that ¾ of the water has emptied. Roll eyes when Mom calls me a wrinkled prune.

4:55pm: As Mom attempts to pull me out of the bath, pin both arms to my side and thrash like a soapy shark incapable of being caught. Scream when Mom manhandles me into a towel.

5:31pm: Dad’s home! Act like an angel until further notice.

6:45pm: Gramma and Aunt Mween are here! Continue angel behavior, including snuggling with Gramma and smiling for Mween’s camera. Act blasé when showered with compliments.

7:00pm: Appear to be interested in dinner. Con Gramma into giving me dessert first.

8:10pm: Say goodbye to my guests. Begin throwing tantrum before their car is even out of sight.

9:02pm: Continue tantrum intermittently, allowing moron-parents to believe I’ve calmed down in between outbursts. As soon as they settle into the couch, make repeated demands for ridiculous food items that we don’t even keep in the house.

9:29pm: Hit mom square across the face with a board book. Ha! She’ll have fun explaining that black eye to the neighbors.

9:54pm: Finally fall asleep on the couch despite best efforts to stay awake for the end of Project Runway. Resolve to begin the cycle all over again in 8 hours. Dream sweetly of world domination.