JANESVILLE, WI—Claiming that one would need a degree from Harvard just to find the front desk, Illinois father of three Tom Rutledge confirmed Friday that the Holiday Inn Express in Janesville, WI was a goddamn maze. “I don’t get why they designed it like this,” said 52-year-old Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced accomodations. “Where the hell is the elevator? It took me five minutes just to find the goddamn vending machine. And for Christ’s sake, why are the ice machines only on every other floor? I swear this place is like one of [Rutledge’s 15-year-old son] Evan’s crazy posters with the stairs going everywhere. I mean, for 115 bucks a night, you’d think you’d get decent signage, at least.” Rutledge’s family members said he was last seen wearing swim trunks wandering through a dimly lit conference room carrying an unused towel.

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