Mass Effect Devs Still Waiting for Anybody to Find the Secret ‘No Sex’ Ending

EDMONTON — Nearly eight years after the release of Mass Effect 3, Canadian game developers at BioWare were baffled that not a single person had found the hidden ending of the series, which could only be achieved by not having sex with any of the characters.

“I don’t really think it’s fair to say we should’ve seen this coming,” said Game Director Casey Hudson while refreshing the front page of r/MassEffect for new posts. “Obviously we knew the majority of our fanbase was horny as hell, but literally not one single human being that has beaten the last game was able to resist boning down with everyone and everything in sight. Half the writing staff and most of our artists have considered career-swapping to erotic fiction or drawing hentai on Patreon because of their terrifying power to inspire such insatiable lust in people.”

Sources at BioWare were happy that players enjoyed the romance mechanic, but they expressed disappointment that everyone had missed out on the company’s preferred ending, due to their overwhelming desire to literally fuck their way through the entire series.

“Internally we still refer to it as the ‘Secret Ending’ but in reality, it’s the true ending that I had in mind the whole time,” explained Lead Writer Mac Walters. “Commander Shepard, regardless of which gender you choose to play as, was always intended to be in their prime when played as a powerful volcel just trying to do their best and save the universe. Honestly the whole Paragon/Renegade stuff doesn’t matter, it’s all about whether you fuck or not.”

Walters concluded by lamenting the troubled development of Mass Effect 3, and rejecting the backlash that resulted from fans being “too thirsty” to access the game at its best.

“We moved hundreds of man-hours off the production of the other endings just to make sure this one really shone in the end,” he said of the final installment in the trilogy, which received widespread criticism from fans. “It’s a true shame nobody has seen the only good one.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!