SEC VEST

BY THACKTOR

BTHO everyone! Whoop. The Aggies did what they had to do last Saturday and dispatched the South Carolina Gamecocks. Some of you may be upset that our little Aggies didn’t win the game by enough points. Perhaps the margin of victory was not as comfortable as you’d have liked? Well, to you I say, deal with it. A true freshman just walked onto the field at home and won an SEC game with a 223/156 2 TD performance. It was beautiful.



This Aggie team may not win the SEC West. It will most assuredly not compete for a national championship this year. Hell, they may drop another game down the line, but you know what? This team will fight. The Aggie defense has what they’ve lacked the last few years: confidence. There’s a pass rush. There’s competent tackling. Enjoy it, they will get better. Now to Auburn.



I know not much of our current opponent, but I will tell you what I do know. I know that the Aggies are facing an Auburn team that is 4-4 on the season and severely underperforming. I know this Auburn team kept it close with Ole Miss until the 4th quarter.



I know this Auburn team has a defense coached by the former head coach in waiting at the 40-acres who later defeated our greatest hero in his first game as a Freshman. I know that this team was picked to win the SEC West by Sports Illustrated, and I also know that our fans thought the Aggies were taking that title after the first 5 games.



All that being said, this game should be a good test for Kyler Murray and the Aggies. Auburn, despite two losses in a row, looks to be improving. Muschamp knows how to coach a defense and has proven to be able to ruin games helmed by touted freshman Aggie quarterbacks. I know Gus Malzahn will don a sweater vest in the style of Bill Swerski’s Superfans.



I know we’re going to see a hell of a performance from the Aggies.

ABSURD GAME PREDICTION

Coach Sumlin is in his office, eyeing his windbreaker. "Something needs to change," mutters Sumlin, pacing about his office, gamefilm droning on in the background.



Suddenly, the film inexplicably cuts to a tight shot of Gus Malzahn. I mean, this is game film, why would the tight coach shot ever appear? It’s just unnecessary narrative for a coach watching film. Yeah, for sure. Just roll with it, OK? Geez, you people are so literal.



"This man’s trying to show off the pythons in a sweater vest?" Sumlin mutters under his breath. He rips the sleeves off his windbreaker to reveal his bare arms, the left one tattooed with the word "ButtFumble" and the right "4Eva."



"Time to take the Tigers to the gun show." Sumlin zips up the windbreaker and flexes. His desk explodes.



Aggies 35

Tigers 21

CAST OF CHARACTERS BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Donovan Wilson DB: #6 is a metaphysical force that draws the football into his gravitational field. He's had a hand in over half of the team's forced turnovers. He'll bait a quarterback if he's not in the mood to sack him and strip the ball out.



Speedy Noil WR: Andre Ware said on TV last week that he's back to 100% so yeah of course it must be true. He was out there returning punts, so it could be. We will continue to look for Speedy to have his breakout game of 2015 because if he's back to full strength it could come at any time and will be a hell of a show.



Tra Carson RB: Improved OL confidence after the South Carolina game + a healthy James White to come in and spell him + the 107th best defense in the NCAA = a potential big day for Tra. If he has a big game here, he may have a shot at breaking a thousand on the year.



Cassanova McKinzy Glitzing LB: Danielle Steele saw the raw power of the linebacker and had to write him. Saw him diagnosing plays seconds before the rest, mind sharp as a razor, his muscles rippling beneath his jersey like the coat of a Tiger. Or the brilliant sheen of the wing of an Eagle caught in the morning sunlight, she didn't know which.



Peyton Barber Southern Gothic RB: Peyton ran the ball. He ran tirelessly and quietly into the dust of that begotten season, his carries mounting out of a resolve undeterred by the mediocrity of the end results. Down, piled upon, and grudgingly standing upright time and again. Plodding, spinning, a dozen times into the end zone. But was it enough? Is it ever?



Ricardo Louis Science Fiction WR: It was 2013 when he first discovered the rift: a tiny crease in the collective physiological structure of the Georgia secondary that enabled him to transmute himself ever-so-slightly; a fraction of a second, no more, and then there was the ball in his hands where no ball had been before. Only Ricardo held the secret and he guarded it fiercely and rationed it well.



OPPONENT CELEB CAMEO

BY DR. NORRIS CAMACHO

Commodore Curse Lionel Richie grew up in Alabama and attended Tuskegee, where he helped form The Commodores in the late sixties. He then briefly attended Auburn as a graduate student, but things did not work out. What happened? One full moonlit night, under the oaks at Toomer's Corner, he made a deal with Coach Ralph Jordan: leave Auburn and make The Commodores wildly successful at the expense of the Vanderbilt Commodores, because the cosmos can only tolerate one or the other. The proof: from 1929 (20 years before Lionel's birth) to the time he was six in 1955, Vandy beat Auburn 9/10 times. Beginning in 1978, the peak of the Commodores' success, Auburn swept Vandy in 13 straight games spanning 30 football seasons. Only in their last two meetings has Vanderbilt tilted the scales again, winning in 2008 and 2012. The 'Dores now lead the all-time series 21-20-1, which means that Lionel Richie has a decision to make before the next meeting on November 5, 2016: will he accept the Vanderbilt head coaching position?

WHAT TO WATCH FOR BY JIMMYGARDS

5-STAR SAGA Getting the overly-groomed blue chip quarterbacks to campus is one thing. Keeping them happy is another thing all together. Take any run of the mill 18-20 year old dude. Entitled? You bet. Overly confident? Like a drunken Evel Knievel. Now, picture that same aged guy, but give him insane football ability and a throng of worshipping kin, girls, and broskis. This ego must be harnessed if lunch pail-ey grit is to emerge.



Sumlin is juggling two quarterbacks that are wildly out of place riding the bench. Have you watched Kyler Murray or Kyle Allen on the sidelines as backups? They don’t know how to behave. Do I cheer yell? How should I wear my helmet? Is fighting the offensive coordinator an option? WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?



Look for Kyle Allen to be rubbernecking around Sumlin and Spav for an opportunity to play. I like the eager and earnest attitude. Really. But, Kyle – close your mouth, man. You’re catching flies. Look GRITTY. Gnaw on a hunk of leather if you must. You make a Manning face look mean.



A COORDINATOR EATS HIS YOUNG Time was, the Aggie faithful would ONLY accept Will Muschamp as the successor to the besmirched Mark Snyder. Thankfully Sumlin doesn’t run his program under the guidance of TexAgs. The man had another plan that didn’t involve Coach Boom, and that was poaching a Chief from a divisional rival. Both Muschamp and Chavis have had their hands full repairing two utterly horrible defenses, but the early returns suggest Chavis is further along on the rebuild.



The Auburn D is 107th in the nation, you see, giving up an average of 447 yards per game. Watch for Muschamp to endear himself further to the College Station Chamber of Commerce and maybe chew off the leg of one of his hapless defensive backs. Remember when this guy was COACH IN WAITING for the Texas Longhorns? Well guess what, gang – HE STILL IS! Coach Boom takes over for the Horns in 2016. Everything is going according to plan in Austin.



TO HAVE AND TO HOLD The only things that get held back more in Auburn than Myles Garrett are calculus students and the 21st century, folks. Last year’s game showcased an Auburn team whose best form tackler was, indeed, the Left Tackle on offense. BARN CHEATIN’, PAWL. Most were missed by the refs! Between this and the egregious horse collar no-call on #2 in 2013, we still have scores to settle with Auburn. And refs. We’re not conspiracy loons, but we trust Myles Garrett is the man to bring justice and will do so in court on Saturday evening.



ELSEWHERE IN THE SEC BY JIMMYGARDS

#2 LSU @ #4 BAMA Well well well. This lil’ game. Have that trigger finger on your remote rested and ready during the Ag game because you’ll want to keep an eye on what amounts to the biggest game of the year (thus far) in college football. Two of the historical elites are squaring off under the lights in Tuscaloosa. The Tide has won four straight over Les Miles’ bunch.



As per tradition, the first team to nine points has a good shot at winning this tilt. Big, bruising defenses. Mean, mauling offenses replete with running backs in Humvee bodies with Ferrari engines looking to show the world they’re the nation’s best. The winner is in the driver’s seat in the West (with a crazy, drunk, erratic Ole Miss grifter riding shotgun). Look for a Les Miles fake and/or comically dumb decision that will pay off in spades because Les Miles sold his reasonable soul to Lucifer many moons ago.



Hug your loved ones. Go into a padded room alone. Bring hooch. Watch this game in silent stupor. RELISH this football. Recall a throwaway 105 degree July day if you need some damn gratitude in your life.

