WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on efforts to conserve the vital natural resource, a report released Wednesday by the Environmental Protection Agency found that 37 percent of all water waste in the United States results from husky kids doing a cannonball into the pool at a country club. “Our data indicate more than a third of the nation’s water loss occurs after overweight children in white T-shirts fling themselves from a diving board, clasp their chubby knees to their chests, and shout “Cannonball!” at the top of their lungs,” said EPA spokesperson Barry Donegan, explaining that the water lost to leaky faucets and inefficient irrigation practices pales in comparison to the amount that roly-poly little boys and girls splash on wealthy middle-aged women tanning poolside at private clubs. “Unfortunately, the situation is exacerbated when the husky kids get a running start and are trying to impress their even huskier cousins. According to our study, an additional 12 percent of water waste is caused by the less frequently performed belly-flop, which, depending on the child’s girth, can displace a similar volume of fluid. And a further 5 percent takes place when these children heave their tubby bodies out of the pool and make their way to the snack bar, dripping a combined annual total of 85 billion gallons of water from their sopping-wet shirts and swimsuits.” Officials confirmed a follow-up report would investigate the water lost when a husky kid accidentally knocks a uniformed waiter into the pool, inspiring a free-for-all in which all nearby sunbathers, golfers, and tennis players jump in and everyone begins splashing everyone else.

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