Can you imagine the panic if a prosecutor, then the District Attorney and his wife in one state, and in the meantime the head of prisons in another state, were killed by Muslim supremacists? The simultaneous pants-shitting of every state legislator south of the Mason-Dixon line would be loud and prolonged, especially if one of the suspects killed a pizza delivery driver and then died in a shootout after which bomb-making materials were found in his car. Fox would be 24/7 with conspiracy theories and panic, dozens of “enhanced” Patriot Act cavity search laws would be proposed In Congress, and Bieber knows what would be happening to Muslims in states where their mere presence already instills panic in the locals.

Luckily, the suspects in these crimes are members of the Aryan Brotherhood, not the Muslim Brotherhood, so we can just let the police do their job and hunt them down without being forced to board airplanes wrapped only in a Snuggy.