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ROUTINE medical examinations of all MPs holding cabinet positions in the British government have returned worrying results, the most troubling of which is the news that prime minister Theresa May has been declared brain dead.

Doctors backdated their diagnosis by all of 29 months as it was revealed there has been almost zero brain activity detected inside the skull of the prime minister of Great Britain since the 13th of July 2016.

“There’s no hope for her I’m afraid,” confirmed doctors, breaking the news to those closest to PM May, the British public.

“It’s not the news we wanted I suppose, but I think we’ve known this for a long time deep down,” confirmed one Briton we spoke to.

The poor health diagnoses weren’t isolated to May as a number of cabinet members displayed zero brain functionality with a number of chronic and debilitating conditions coming to light post-examination.

“One minister has a crippling phobia of Northern Ireland, another has NoIdeaosis, a condition which finds him continuously surprised and shocked after learning basic information he should have known all along. And disturbingly one minister was found to just be a large silver spoon, not a person at all,” added the doctor tasked with checking for and not finding vital life signs.

The bad news comes after reports the cabinet were due to sit down and pore over the details of a withdrawal agreement between the EU and Britain, which was bound to end in an outbreak of disagreements, back-peddling and a failure to understand what and why a backstop is.

Elsewhere a spokesperson for Labour confirmed they were glad to hear May was fit and healthy and would continue supporting her no matter what monumental catastrophe comes next.