Last time Lost in Showbiz began an item advising readers to call off the search for Press Release of the Week, it sparked a bewildering chain of events, which would ultimately see Lily Allen - the Wordsworth of the MySpace generation - write in to defend her publicist's right to a Garbo-esque existence, and her own right to make a career out of firing scattergun insults, but to react with monstrous affront should anyone dare to tease her themselves.

Still, let's get back on the horse, because I defy you not to see the following press release as the peerless piece of PR it so clearly is. Entitled "Rolex Watches Help Owen Wilson Recover From Attempted Suicide", it is the work of a high-end LA jeweller - and Rolex outlet, obviously.

Shall we begin?

"After a frightening suicide attempt in 2007, Rolex watches and benefits appeared to play an essential role in actor Owen Wilson's recovery. On August 29, 2007, Time magazine reported: 'speculation about his drug use, depression over his May break-up from Hudson and a recent fight with a friend have peppered the coverage of Wilson's hospitalization.' A People magazine cover story out Friday quotes a friend as saying: "Owen was very despondent. He slit his wrists. He almost did not make it." It was a dark period in Wilson life, and Rolex played a key role in helping Owen regain his bearings and his success."

Um ... convince me?

"Although Owen Wilson has worn a Rolex GMT Master in the popular films Wedding Crashers and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, he chooses to wear a Rolex Submariner in his everyday life. It is not surprising that he would make such a choice. The Rolex Oyster Perpetual Submariner originally was designed for diving and known for their resistance to water. The first Submariner was introduced to the public in 1954 at the Swiss Watch Fair. Copied by other watchmakers, the Rolex Submariner is recognized as a classic, and one of the most widely recognized luxury products in the world. The Rolex Submariner is part of Rolex's Oyster Perpetual Professional line. After returning home from the hospital, Owen was captured by a photographer walking on the beach, wearing his Rolex Submariner. Later, he was seen riding his mountain bike in Santa Monica with the Rolex Submariner on his wrist. Obviously, the quality of a Rolex watch helped Owen realize and appreciate the quality of his own life."

Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.

"A celebrity is expected to show up at a multitude of events," runs the next plank of overwhelming evidence that high-end timepieces were crucial in speeding the sensitive funnyman's journey back from the dark side. "Owen used the Rolex Mentor and Protégé Arts Initiative Benefit in New York City to make his entrance back on the social scene after his crisis."

And with that, the document ascends to its majestic conclusion.

"Whatever the hawks of the media choose to write, it is clear that Rolex played a major role in Owen Wilson's recovery. Back in good form, the actor is nothing less than a comic genius in a time when comedy is a necessity. Wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living. Once again, the precision and quality of a Rolex proves to be a lifesaver in more ways than one."

There are, quite simply, no words.