(See the end of the chapter for more notes .)

Between these three series I try to expand on the Citrus canon in a fun way that would stay as far as possible from AU.

The second is "Ever After": An extended Epilogue to Citrus that covers Mei and Yuzu's life from their 18th birthdays to their forties.

The first one is "A Mother's Tale" Prequel to Citrus and a side-story to this one, In it I visit the loose ends I couldn't tie through Mei's PoV, mainly: Shou and Ume's marriage, Mei's situations vis-a-vis the Aiharas, and Mei biological mother.

It also marks the first chapter since my publication of two other Citrus fanfics, that were originally part of The Other Side.

This fanfic lost its "Script Format". All the chapters have been updated with tweaks that added more elements to Mei's voice.

This chapter is a special update to the whole Series thanks to the hard work of my two beta-readers demosthenes56 and iamyoung13.

Chapter Text

Around five in the morning, Yuzu tried to come in. When she found that the door was locked, she knocked. It was barely audible. Had I been asleep, I wouldn’t have heard it.

Mei…” Yuzu’s voice is as soft as her knock. “Mei… Mom is waking up soon. Please open the door…”

She has a point. Nonetheless, I don’t want to let her in.

“Please, Mei…” Yuzu pleads “If she asks me right now, I’ll-... “

She’s right. I don’t want to face Mom right now either.

The closer I got to the door, the tighter my heart became.

I unlock the door and got back to bed as fast as I could.

She got in without a word. She changed her clothes and laid down beside me, facing the other way.

I thought she would have taken the futon out.

This isn’t how I imagined things would end up.

I crossed the last boundary we had as “sisters”, in hopes for what? Becoming “lovers”? I can't blame this on Matsuri and what she did to me. I tried to destroy that boundary many times before meeting her, justifying my actions with something or another. Yuzu kept building our relationship up and I kept chipping it away. I tried to make sure she desired me on top of caring for me. When I gave myself to her, I thought I was sure of it. Now I don’t want to entertain the idea that she doesn’t view me in that light. She asked me what that kiss meant. She said she wanted me to touch her. I know she was not lying.

Do I really know her that well?

I’m at the point where I cannot doubt anything she says. She has always been genuine with me. I can’t understand.

Rather, I don’t want to understand.

If she’s always been honest with me, wouldn't that mean her rejection was probably honest as well?

Is this what denial feels like? How does she feel about me?

I never asked her to make it clear. I just went with my misguided assumptions and conclusions.

Why on earth did I make it sound like I was rewarding her? I wanted it as well, evidently more than she did. Is that why she rejected me?

I hear faint sobs coming from her. My own tears start to flow.

The sun was up. No school today so I can’t use that excuse to get out of this room.

I can’t even look up to check what time it is.

Neither of us makes the slightest movement.

Had she accepted me, we could have been making love right now.

I wanted to tell her many things. I wanted to ask many more.

After meeting Matsuri, I wanted to know everything about her. I don’t know anything about her father and grandparents. I wanted to tell her about my mother.

I wish things could go back to how they were before we met Matsuri. Because of her, I discovered that I don't want anybody else to have Yuzu.

I'm getting thirsty.

She's not sobbing anymore. I can't muster the courage to see whether she's asleep or not.

I rise from the bed slightly. Feeling no reaction from her, I continue my gradual rise. I tiptoe my way out of the room without having the courage to look at her.

I go to the bathroom, then the kitchen. Mom has left breakfast for us. It’s gone cold. It’s past 2 p.m.

I hear Yuzu close the door of the bathroom. Moments later I hear her say “I’m going out”

Is this going to be a repeat of when she ran away? Is she going to tell Taniguchi about yesterday?

“Yuzu!” I call out to her as sternly as my broken pride could allow me.

“Yes!” she said, startled.

“Where are you going?”

“To Harumin’s.”

“You’ll do no such thing.”

I am in no position to dish out orders, yet I don’t know what to say to keep her from going. I just don’t want her to go. It’s all I can come up with.

My heart beats so fast. I can’t look her in the eye. I just turn around and go back to our room.

She followed shortly. I don’t know why she complied, but I’m glad she did. I go out of the room as soon as she comes in.

This uncomfortable hide and seek continued throughout the day until Mom came back.

“I’m home!” Mom announces in her usual cheerful voice.

“Welcome back.” Yuzu and I reply in harmony despite being on opposite wavelengths since yesterday.

"Hey, since we were not able to celebrate Christmas together, how about we go to a New year’s fair, the three of us," Mom says.

"I’m busy that day," I replied, trying to sound as convincing as I can.

"Um… I’m also-..." Yuzu stuttered.

"What?" Mom looks back and forth between Yuzu and me. "Did you two have a fight again?"

"No, we didn’t!" Yuzu didn't know she was an open book, or so I used to believe.

"No." I say.

"Girls…" Mom said through a sigh, "It's only been four months since you became sisters. I know it's hard getting used to each other, but this is your fourth fight already. You're doing well, but don't let these little fights break the progress you’ve made. I always let you solve things by yourselves but this is enough. What is it this time? Neither of you are good at pretending, so tell me. Is it about the Christmas party?"

"No. It's nothing, I-..." Yuzu starts.

"Yes, it is." I interrupt her, "I wasn't busy yesterday. An acquaintance of mine was in town so I wanted to meet up with them. Yuzu and Matsuri ran into me. I didn't like that she meddled in my affairs. " I turn to Yuzu. " I apologize for everything I did. This is the last time I do something like that. I promise." I do my best not to look at Yuzu. Luckily Mom is here. I used her to avert my eyes. "Satisfied?"

"Not quite," Mom said. "Since we didn't spend Christmas together, we're spending New Year's together. Got that? So clear up your schedule."

"Got it."

"Yuzu, you said in your text that you were going to be at Harumi's. What happened?"

"I changed my mind," Yuzu says.

"Go to your room," Mom says. "I have things to discuss with Mei."

Things to discuss with me? Did she see us on the couch last night?

Once the door clicked, she asked me to sit down.

"I'm visiting your mother tomorrow. Do you want to come with me? I was planning to tell her you were adapting well to your life with us." Mom makes a dismissing gesture "Of course, that was before I knew the two of you were in the middle of a new fight…"

"My mother has made it clear that I should not be contacting her." I say.

"And what do you want?"

"I have no reason to go with you."

"Do you have a reason for NOT accompanying me."

"I just said-"

"I know. But I’m your legal guardian. My word is above hers when it comes to telling you what to do."

She’s technically right. Had she asked a week ago, I probably would have went without thinking too much. Now is the worst possible moment for me to see my mother. I can’t put my finger on the exact reason for this dread, but unearthing all those feelings I buried years ago doesn’t seem like something I could handle at the same time with all that’s going on with Yuzu.

"Consider this as my selfish request. Can you spare me from going with you?”

"I did drop this on you at the last minute, so I won’t push you. Next time I go see her you’re coming with me, alright?"

"Just make sure to let me know at least a week in advance."

"Jeez! Do I need to sign any forms? You really are her daughter. Making an appointment with her was a pain in the butt too."

"She must be busy."

"My God! You Aiharas and your tight schedules!"

"You’re an Aihara too. Is everything okay with dad?"

"Do you think any woman would be happy if she couldn’t spend New Year’s with the man she loves?"

"Do you love Dad?"

Mom’s smile crumble on its own. "Can you keep a secret?"

"From whom?"

"Yuzu and in parts from your Dad. It’s not as much a secret as it is an embarrassing thing…”

"Your secret is safe with me.

"Your Dad and I… We haven’t said I love you to each other yet. I mean it’s implied but we still haven’t… It’s hard for the woman to say it first. I know the way both of you have been raised doesn’t encourage the open expression of feelings, but I can’t yield on this. All I’m asking for is one I love you and I’ll bury him in thousands of I love yous "

"So you do love him."

"Of course I do!"

She hugs me. "And I love you, and Yuzu loves you so hurry up and make up."

"What makes you sure what you’re feeling for him is love?"

"Believe me, when you fall in love you’ll know it."

I needed a more concrete answer, "Well, I’m glad you feel that way about him.”

"How about you, Mei? Do you love us, Yuzu and me?"

I’m certainly fond of mom. She’s special. Yuzu… It’s more complicated. I wanted to confirm things yesterday but she rejected me. The worst part is that, beyond that initial anger, I can’t feel any resentment towards her even though she utterly humiliated me.

"I haven’t been raised to express my feelings, as you put it yourself."

"Tsundere-chan." She slapped my butt. It wasn’t painful, but it was offensive. "Go make up with Yuzu"

"Don’t ever do that again."

"What? Oh… it’s an expression of love. You can bet your cute little butt that I’m doing it again."

"I’m going to tell Dad about your secret."

"I don’t mind. Part of me was hoping you would."

"Then I won’t tell him."

"I love it when you behave like a child" She tried to kiss me but I got away from her. "I’ll get you later!"

She can always make me do ridiculous things no matter what’s on my mind.

She says “make up” with Yuzu, but was that even a fight? “Disagreement” and “misunderstanding” don’t apply either. I didn’t even get to explain things properly. Rejection is the only suitable word I can think of.

I wanted to tell her how fond I became of her and that I couldn’t help but protect her from the very things I wanted to do to her.

If it’s hard for a woman to express her feelings first, how do we go about figuring this out, being both girls. I tried to, but she shut me out. I genuinely can’t understand her. She’s been so gentle and warm towards me, then she shunned me when I tried to open up. Four months ago I would have thought that she was just messing with me, but now I can’t help but see that her heart has nothing in it but good intentions no matter what she does.

She cried earlier as if she was the one hurt. She has no right! I’m the one who’s been rejected.

As I stand in front of the door of our room, for the first time since I moved in, I find myself wishing we had separate rooms.

I open the door slowly and enter without making a sound.

Yuzu isn't here.

I knock on the bathroom door to check if she was there. No reply.

It was careless of me to let her out of my sight. My best course of action would be to report to Mom and get her to come back as soon as possible. I’ll personally talk to her on the phone. Things are not as simple as the last time when all I had to do was call her by her name.

Telling Mom would probably have a negative impact on our relationship, but I can’t afford to hesitate.

As I knocked on Mom’s bedroom door, I heard the front door opening.

"Come in," Mom says.

"Never mind." I say, deciding to check if Yuzu came back.

It is her. She goes straight to our room. I follow her. She puts a duffle bag aside. Were those supposed to be her overnight things?

"Mom says we should make up.” she said, not looking in my direction.

"Yes, Let’s just pretend that we did." I say trying to sound natural. "There’s no use making her worry about this.”

"Right."

“Let’s go tell her, then.” I say finally looking at her. The pained expression on her face confused me. She has no right! I’m the one who got rejected by her! “On second thought, let’s not say anything for now.”

Mom will see right through her. It’s better if we resolve things properly before saying anything. The web of lies we wove is already too complicated.

Although I wouldn’t call what’s going on between us a fight, I can’t find the right word for it, but I hope we can find our way through. If there’s anything I learned, Yuzu and I can’t leave each other alone. Whatever this is, it won’t last more than a week.

xxx

Two months.

Yuzu and I haven’t spoken for two months beyond “good morning”, “goodnight”, and “dinner is ready”. Anything more complex than that was communicated in notes.

Hadn't I learned how honest to a fault she was, I would have thought she was playing me. When we became sisters, I spent many sleepless nights overthinking the hidden intentions behind her actions. Now, it’s her honesty that confuses me.

I didn’t know how to behave towards her anymore. She kept on finding ways for being kind and warm to me despite the discomfort between us. On the other hand, even the simplest routines we had become accustomed to prior to that cursed Christmas became unsolvable dilemmas for me.

Among which, making dinner for each other. My dishes were terrible, hers were delicious. She promised she’d teach me how to cook but we never got to that.

One night, I left a note for her saying that she didn’t need to make dinner for me anymore. I don’t know whether she read it or not, but something tells me it didn’t matter. I kept on finding my share in the fridge. I didn’t want to offend her so I kept on eating them. She gave me tips when we were on talking terms but I couldn’t bring myself to try them when we weren’t. I couldn’t bear her seeing me in a bad light anymore.

Speaking of which, I hope she didn’t notice that I put on weight. I tried going for simple recipes and sandwiches to match her excellent skills, but I failed miserably. I couldn’t let her eat those excuses for meals, so I ate what was supposed to be her and Mom’s shares each time. Leaving Mom’s share would have made me look even worse. After careful consideration, I decided “the insensitive little sister who didn’t make dinner for her family” is slightly better than ”the insensitive little sister who made dinner for Mom but not me”. Not finding their share when it was my turn to make dinner didn’t dissuade her from making dinner for me when it was hers. It was easier when I was able to think “she’s playing the better person” like I used to do. Now all I can think is, “This is just like her”.

When I noticed my weight I started calling Mom each time and telling her to eat out because I wasn’t able to make it, until she told me that I didn’t need to make dinner anymore. She increased our allowance so that we could eat out too. All that made me do was buy more expensive ingredients, which didn’t amount to any improvement. I kept on trying and failing to make Yuzu’s share and eating it myself. If Dad asked me how our six months of being sisters were like, I could as well summarize as “I put on X kilograms and Yuzu lost Y kilograms”.

It’s frustrating. All I went through with Matsuri's shenanigans was for naught. To add insult to injury, Yuzu was acting as if she was the victim. I told Matsuri that I closed off my heart, but now that Yuzu pried it open, I can’t find a way to close it anymore.

Yuzu left me a note saying that Matsuri came to see me. It had Matsuri’s number. I called her to ask her what she wanted. She said that she needed help with her studies. I invited her over but she declined,saying that she can't come while Yuzu and I were in the middle of a fight. She refused to believe that Yuzu and I weren't fighting in the first place and said to call her once we made up. The reason why she was talking as if she was doing me a favor was beyond me.

For a second, I considered telling Matsuri what was going on because she was the only soul who knew the truth, at least partially, of what was going on between me and Yuzu. Then I remembered that it meant that there’s a chance for her to take back Yuzu. Well, “take” instead of “take back”. I’m not sure Yuzu is mine anymore. Not that she was ever mine. I had the potential of making her mine. I thought I was just one step away but ended up taking ten steps back.

Such are the feelings I wanted to admit that night. Not only do I want to be here for her, I want to own her, as despicable as it sounds. I was sure she would listen to me and accept me because she needed me, but I was mistaken seeing how she reacted and rejected me that Christmas night.

Mom kept on pestering us to make up. She made us sit through many “so what’s going on?”. At first, in each meeting Yuzu and I took turns at saying we weren’t fighting, which was true as far as I was concerned. We were just having a hard time talking to each other which, understandably, looked like a fight to a bystander but Yuzu and I knew better. I may not understand her; her actions are confusing but I assume mine are as clear as day to her.

For all her pestering, I discovered Mom didn’t tell Dad that she believed we were fighting. Eventually, she was fed up and said “I can’t tell your Dad to visit, just for him to come home to whatever the hell this is!”

Once she let us go to our room I sat at my desk and wrote “Yuzu, concerning what Mom said. How about we try putting everything behind us momentarily? I would love to meet Dad in person again now that I can face him.” When I got up to give her the note, she was standing right in front of me, her own piece of paper in had.

It was one of the rare moments we looked into each other’s eyes over the last month.

Once the initial surprise wore off, we exchanged our notes. Hers read “Hey Mei, about what mama said. You miss Dad, right? I thought we could make up long enough for him to visit.”

I was overwhelmed by a desire to kiss her. This is what Yuzu and I were. We understood each other in our own way. I wanted to show Dad the truth of how close her and I have become.

Then I realized I didn’t want to show him the truth. I will never be ready to tell him the truth of what we are. Yet, I don’t want to change that truth without seeing it through… Like a moth to a flame.

“We're both girls, and on top of that we're sisters, so we shouldn't try to become more than that. We need to stop what we were doing.”

I never thought those words would come back to haunt me. What am I chasing?

When did I place Yuzu and Dad on the same pedestal?

If the me who first kissed Yuzu on the first night we spent together, was asked would “wanting Yuzu to need you” and ”wanting your father to approve of you” ever compete, my answer would have been a categorical “never”.

No matter what I say to him, I’ll be lying to him. Does that count as facing him?

That doubt made me reconsider “On second thought, let’s not.”

Dejected, she threw herself on the bed and I returned to my desk, not doing anything.

I shouldn’t have felt bad, yet I did. Her rejection was far “worse” than mine.

And that’s the closest we’ve come to talking to each other again.

Dad called us each week. Usually, we spoke to him together, but Mom judged it better that we start speaking separately after not being able to make Yuzu and I reconcile. Mom cared about Dad a lot. She told him all that went well with us and rarely burdened him with our “disagreements”. A stranger would think she’s nothing but smiles and sweetness, but I‘ve seen through that facade more in the last two months than I did before Christmas.

I knew my birth Mother was capable of breaking her so I waited for Mom's return to inquire on the aftermath of their conversation. All she told me was "You're my daughter as much as you are hers, you got that?" Her tone wasn't anything like I've been accustomed to during my time with her. It was the first time I sensed Ume was a woman who can have regrets.

I grabbed her hand as she was making her way to her bedroom. The words “don’t leave us” died in my throat once I remembered how they were received when I last said them. My biological mother told the eleven-year-old me, “You are a grown woman now, and Aihara women don’t get attached.” By that criterion, I was failing spectacularly: I kept clinging to the hope that Dad would come back after five years; Yuzu rejected me, yet I couldn’t accept it; and I discovered the moment I clenched Mom’s hand, she was my Mom. I called her Mom but never thought I was putting any feeling into it.

She watched me for a few seconds, then pulled me into a hug. There was no warmth in her voice yet it filled my heart. As if she was making an oath, she said: “As long as I draw breath, I’ll be by your side”. I did my best to hold back the tears. It was useless. I didn’t say anything, yet she saw through me.

She’s indeed Yuzu’s mother.

She kissed me and said that she would be talking to Dad in the following hours, that they had important matters to discuss and that he wouldn’t be talking to either me or Yuzu, but she’ll make sure to send him our hugs.

She didn’t tell us much about what was going on between them. She may have told Yuzu, but she didn’t tell me how they met and how they came to marry each other. The arrangement and Dad being absent on the first day felt off, but Grandfather approved of it so I assumed there was a rationale behind it.

Yuzu and I were so preoccupied with making our relationship difficult for the subject of our parents’ relationship to come up. I thought Yuzu was sheltered and pampered. It never occured to me that I was in the same boat.

She expected us to reconcile before New Year’s, but since neither Yuzu nor I showed any signs of mellowing down she bargained by taking us for Hatsumode. She made us wear Yukatas and tied my hair up for me. Yuzu did her hair on her own.

I prayed for our family's health and safety, Grandfather’s recovery, Mom and Dad's relationship. As for Yuzu and I, I didn’t know what to pray for, so I just asked for blessing.

The o-mikuji was the silliest part.. Yuzu and I had han-kichi (half-blessing) while Mom had a chū-kichi (medium blessing). Mom had good fortunes on everything but machibito (a person being waited for). She tied her o-mikuji to the pine tree. Yuzu asked her why she did it, she smiled and said “That’s one of the most important things, don’t you agree?”

I had good fortunes on ren’ai (romantic relationship) and edan (marriage proposal or engagement) but a bad one on arashigoto (disputes). Yuzu had good fortunes on gakumon (studies), shussan (childbirth) and a bad one on negaigoto (one’s wish or desire).

Mom made her tie hers at the sight of shussan. I think Yuzu would have tied it anyway. I tied mine as well. I don’t believe in fortunes but that arashigoto fortune bothered me. I doubt I’m getting engaged again this year as Grandfather is being very careful on choosing a groom. That one didn’t matter. As for the ren’ai one.... I don’t believe in fortunes.

Yuzu picked an enmensubi (love knot) on our way out, but she put it back. I wonder what it said...

She called Dad that day. We took turns wishing him a good year. That was the last time we spoke to him together. Mom told him that she wouldn’t tolerate him being away the following New Year. He said that if he couldn’t make it, we’ll go meet him wherever he was instead. Yuzu, who usually was the one to express how excited she is at any semblance of good news, didn’t utter a word. I had to intervene and say that we’re looking forward to next year, but we’d also like to see him before that.

Mom was furious after that call. “What’s with the abused wife and oppressive husband act you just pulled? The shrine visit felt off but I told myself Yuzu is just probably jealous that Mei put a friend before her. This is too much!”

She went on interrogating us about details, talking to each of us alone, Yuzu and I stayed silent until Yuzu couldn’t bear it anymore and cried. I could tell Mom couldn’t bear seeing her cry. She told us to go to our room. She whispered to me to comfort Yuzu as I passed across her.

That was just the first of such meetings but I didn’t expect an outburst like that. I felt awful for driving a calm person to such extremes.

The following day she apologized to Yuzu and I. She hugged us and sat us on the couch, with both of us at either sides. She caressed Yuzu’s back and told her that she didn’t mean to shout. Yuzu said it was okay that she was just surprised because Mom never yelled at her before.

I envied that they could be open to each other about how they felt.

AlI I needed is for Yuzu to tell me she was taken by surprise, not in the mood, or had other things on her mind. Any excuse would work. We can figure out things from there. She has to realize I can’t be the first one to take the step. I couldn’t humiliate myself further. She had to understand that. The reason that I did what I did is because I thought we wanted each other.

Once school started, things became a little easier. We kept on walking to school together, but Yuzu spent most of her time with Taniguchi and I was busy with the student council and preparing for the excursion.

When Himeko and Maruta-senpai asked about the Christmas party, I told them it went well. Himeko asked if Yuzu and I spent time alone. Himeko always assumes the best of me and the worst of Yuzu.

After a while, she noticed that we haven’t joined Yuzu and Taniguchi for lunch for a while now.

Once I realized one month has gone by since Christmas, and Yuzu and I still hadn't talked to each other, I told Himeko about it. She was surprised. I was at my wits end. Yuzu talked more openly to Himeko even when we were on good terms, so I thought she would think of a straightforward solution. All she did was ask me if there was something she could do. That was the point. I didn't know if there was anything to be done. I was hoping for her input. I ultimately told her to forget about it.

Maruta-senpai said I looked like Taniguchi-senpai when I said that the Christmas and New Years went well.

It took a lot of time and effort to prepare for the school trip. I shared details with Mom over dinners whenever she was home. It was the only way to fill the void left by Yuzu’s one-line replies whenever asked about her day.

I finally did it. I sucked the life and joy out of Yuzu. All it took was six months. The me from six months ago would’ve been so proud of herself.

xxx

Day One

I didn’t sleep a wink and I had to supervise the excursion. The arrival of the excursion while Yuzu and I were still fighting felt sour. Himeko tried to get my mind off Yuzu and I’m sure Taniguchi tried to do the same for Yuzu. I think Himeko would have stopped trying had I told her that not only do Yuzu and I sleep in the same room, but also in the same bed. Ultimately, all her efforts are futile. Yuzu is on my mind every second of the day. Whenever I revert to my old self and start forming dark thoughts about her, I get Anthoniko out and they all vanish.

I feel ridiculous when I hold him and stare at him, but he comforts me. When she dropped him in the hallway, I tried to fix him for her, because I thought he was adorable and it would be a shame if she threw him away. She fixed him herself and gave him to me saying “Meet your new mama”. I thought we had found one thing in common. It felt precious. I was starting to accept her as my sister. I think it was one of the moments where Yuzu made a dent in my facade. I kept on carrying Anthoniko to school with me for no apparent reason, but in retrospect, I cherished him. He symbolizes the bond that has formed between us, especially after the events with my father. When Matsuri got the best of me, he reminded me that Yuzu loved me. Now he serves as an anchor for my feelings. What I feel for Yuzu might not be pure, but it’s real. I came to accept that I cherish her in a twisted way. My twistedness constantly threatens to turn into hatred when the anger and the humiliation of that night comes back to haunt me. I don’t want to hate her. Indifference is one thing, but hating her means that I’ll try to hurt her. I don’t want to do that ever again. Not after all she has done for me.

Yuzu was still asleep when Mom and I were having breakfast.

“If you don’t make up by the time the trip is over...” Mom said flatly, “I will arrange for your Dad to come back for a few days. I don’t care why you’re fighting anymore.”

This is it. The truth about Yuzu and me is bound to come to light. Mom and Dad will probably get a divorce for what I did to her. Yuzu and I will never see each other again… This trip might be my last chance to know how she feels about me. I will have some closure after that, no matter what her answer is.

“I can’t even call you to check up on you,” Mom complains. “I still can’t see what your school has against phones, especially on a trip.”

“We allowed periods of time when students are free to use their phones during the trip.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”

“What difference would that have made?”

“It’s the perfect chance to get you your own phone.”

Mom tried to persuade me to have my own phone ever since the aftermath of Amemiya-sensei’s dismissal, but I declined. It was uncomfortable to explain that my phone and all my conversations would probably be checked in the event I get a new fiance. Three years ago there was a scandal where a girl from our academy had a boyfriend despite having a fiance. Her phone was discovered to have indecent photos of her. It is the underlying reason why phones were banned on the school premises.

I was too young to understand when Dad started having a disagreement with grandfather about how the school was run. I came to understand that he believed that our school was nothing but a grooming ground for future wives of the wealthy. My birth mother was an Aihara-academy graduate herself. I wonder if he told her how he felt. What did she think about it if he did?

Come to think of it, why did mom, dad, and grandfather agree to have Yuzu attend our school? Mom said she had already met grandfather, but she didn’t say anything about the conversation they had. She tells me to tell her everything while being secretive herself. Dad says he talks to Grandfather all the time. I don’t mean to doubt him but I’m not sure whether that’s true. And lastly, Grandfather is probably to thank for the teachers turning a blind eye to Yuzu. I do have my part in protecting Yuzu from the scrutiny, but the teachers are out of my area of influence. Himeko said she heard Yuzu is being referred to as “the illegitimate daughter of the Aiharas”. Something tells me it's not the students who came up with that title.

At first, I didn’t expect Mom to understand these kind of things, but I’m starting to feel that she knows more than she lets on. How much does she know of what has been going on between me and Yuzu? Did she notice the phone in my hand the day before Christmas?

I reach in my bag and squeeze Anthoniko. I’m starting to get paranoid.

“Alright.” Mom says, “Time for me to go. Have a safe trip. Give Yuzu a kiss for me. I’ll tell her that I want pictures of you AND her. Try to spend time together when she’s able to use her phone so that I could talk to both of you.”

“I have to-...”

“I know you’re busy. Just try to… For me. Please.”

“Alright.”

She grabs her bag and goes out.

Yuzu should have woken up by now. I need to leave early to supervise the procedures.

As I was putting on my shoes, I heard her phone alarm go off. I linger by the door.

As she did not get out of the room I went back inside and knocked rather loudly on the door of our room.

No reply. Is she trying to find an excuse not to go to the execursion?

My negative thoughts again. I take Anthoniko out of my bag and put him in my pocket.

I go in.

“Yuzu,” I say, while not mustering the courage to nudge her. I haven’t touched her since Christmas. “You need to wake up,” I pull at the bedsheet under her. “Wake up.”

Nothing. Is she faking? I squeeze Anthoniko through my pocket.

“Yuzu…” my voice breaks, ”I worked so hard on this excursion, please wake up…”

My tears started flowing. I get out of there as fast as I could.

I wanted her to enjoy the excursion. I worked hard hoping we’d talk to each other before today. How will she even enjoy it? Maybe she doesn’t want to come and she’s faking being asleep. Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t come.

I managed to calm down before going out of the building.

When I arrived at school, Himeko and the others were already handling my share of the work. They don’t need me either.

The roll call was made. Yuzu wasn’t there. The teacher asked if anyone could contact her, but before I had the chance her friend Taniguchi came forward and said Yuzu was joining us at the station or at the Hotel at the latest.

At the station, I scoured the vicinity of the platform where she is supposed to join us. Yuzu wasn’t in sight. There were other student groups from other schools, therefore the station was more crowded than usual. I decided that going back to the platform was the best course of action for the time being. On my way back, I spotted two foreigner girls who seemed to be lost. I directed them to where they needed to go.

Yuzu didn’t make it and we had to leave without her. Himeko tried her best to keep my mind off Yuzu by coming up with random trivia about Kyoto. All it did was make me wonder if Yuzu was interested in historical sites. I knew so little about Yuzu’s interests. What in the world made me think Yuzu would be interested in me?

I take Anthoniko out of my pocket and clutch him with all my might.

“Oh my God, it’s so cute!” Himeko says, desperate to find another subject to pass the time. “Let me guess. Is this Kumagorou, the teddy your Dad brought when he came back?”

“It’s Anthoniko,” I say. “Yuzu gave it to me.”

“Oh…” she contemplates my hand for a second. “Mei-mei, if it makes you this sad… Why don’t you talk to her about it.”

It’s the first time Himeko said something like that.

“What should I say?” I ask.

“Whatever is on your mind... “ she says. “I may not approve of her, but she cherishes you. That much I know.”

“Himeko… What happened between you and her was a-...” I try to say misunderstanding but it means I’d be denying Yuzu has feelings for me.

“If you can’t say what’s on your mind, how about you ask her what’s on hers?”

“I suppose I could do that…”

I’m afraid to know. Yuzu probably did her hardest to move on after I rejected her when we were studying for exams, and I selfishly brought those feelings to the surface. She might even resent me for going back on my words. I tighten my grip on Anthoniko. “Let’s stop talking about her…”

“As you wish…” Himeko says.

Those were her last words until we arrived.

Himeko asked Taniguchi what train Yuzu had boarded. Himeko and I waited for her. Mineko-sensei asked us to tell her to go see her right away as soon as she arrived.

While waiting, I ran into the girls I helped at the station. It turned out that their school used the same hotel as ours. Their names are Sara and Nina Tachibana. Half-Japanese, like Yuzu. They were twins. I would have never guessed. Nina was taller than Sara by thirty centimeters give or take. An intrusive thought passes through my mind: Would the dynamics between Yuzu and me have been any different, had she been as tall as Nina? Sara vehemently thanked me for telling her my name and said she hoped to run into me again. Her mannerisms reminded me of Yuzu.

By the time I bid them goodbye, Yuzu has arrived and was already in the middle of being lectured. I respect Mineko-sensei but I think she could have let her rest first and talked to her in the morning. Yuzu would have been in a better state to register her sanctions.

Upon noticing me, Yuzu’s attention turns to me. My heart ached. When was the last time she looked me in the eye?

I decided to retire to my assigned room as I wouldn’t be able to talk to her. She arrived safely, that’s all I needed to know. Himeko and Mineko-sensei have the reprimands covered.

“Aihara Yuzu! Are you even listening to me?” I hear Himeko’s voice from the other end of the hallway, briefly followed by “Hey! I’m not done lecturing you.”

“Mei!” Yuzu grips my wrist. “We need to talk! Alone!”

What is up with her? Two months. She had two months over which she could have talked to me, but she chooses now…

“If you can’t say what’s on your mind, how about you ask her what’s on hers?”

I decide to put Himeko’s word to the test. “Hold on.” I go back to Mineko-sensei and Himeko. “I will take it from here. It is possible that I was responsible for her tardiness. I will keep you updated.”

“Aihara-san, I find that hard to believe.” Mineko-sensei.

“Please allow me to hear her out. It is a personal matter.”

“It is unusual for you to vouch for someone. Your grandfather regards her highly as well. I fail to see why. I think it is beneath an educator of the Aihara academy to give rumors credibility. If those rumors become fact, it will not change how I regard her, but it will certainly change how I regard your father.”

“I do not know what you are referring to.”

“Maybe you should ask Momokino-san. I am sure she’s more acclimated to the gossip surrounding her, your father and the mysterious mother no one has ever seen. This is the last time I let you or your grandfather interfere with my duties as a disciplinarian. I expect the logs in my room by 9 p.m. You only have to add one name.”

With that, she and Himeko went upstairs. I go back to Yuzu and take her outside.

“Hurry up,” I say. “It’s cold out here…”

“Yes… So um… Why didn’t you wake me up this morning?” she asks. “I mean we always walk to school together.”

“You never overslept before and it’s not my responsibility to wake you up.”

“That’s true but-...”

I’m not spending my first proper conversation with her in weeks talking about this. “Is that all you wanted to talk about?” I interrupt her.

“No… I thought we should talk about what happened last Christmas.”

My chest tightens.

“The things you said…” she goes on. “Made me really happy, but I... I thought it wasn’t right to feel that way since we’re sisters.”

What? I submitted to Matsuri and resolved to get over that dilemma and that’s what she broods about. I disregarded my position and my doubts just to see my feelings for her through. I… I…

“Can I ask you one thing?” I grit my teeth and put Himeko’s advice to the test. “What are your feelings for me?”

“Eh?” She looks at me, dumbfounded. She collects herself. “I… I… I do love you, Mei. As sisters, as family. I feel it’s my job to look after you… So…”

Her job ! Amemiya, grandfather, father… Everything was her job? It is my fault for misinterpreting her actions and I was the one who confused her with that kiss and I-... Her JOB?!!

I look after her too but it’s not because I have too, it’s because I-...The way we kissed after Dad left was-… My God! If I stay here any longer I will cry and I WON’T let her see me cry ever again.

“I’m sorry,” I say, trying my best to keep my voice from trembling. “Just forget what happened that night.”

I go in and head to my room. I will request to go back to Grandfather’s as soon as we go back home. I hope Mom will forgive me.

“Mei!” She calls out to me. I quicken my step.

I close the door behind me. I take Anthoniko out of my pocket. “Were you part of her job too?” I fling it at the wall.

I sit down and let myself cry.

After a while, I remembered Himeko was going to come in. I collect myself and change out of my uniform and go to bed without brushing my teeth.

“Oh, Mei-mei, you’re here…” Himeko comes in. “Oh you dropped Anthoniko. Gosh, its head is nearly torn away… How did your conversation go?”

I don’t answer. I pretend I’m sleeping.

Not hearing an answer Himeko prepares herself to go to bed.

After brushing her teeth and taking a shower she sat at her bed doing something.

“Here, all fixed.” she puts Anthoniko near my pillow and sits on my bed. “You’re asleep, I hope you won’t mind if I think out loud. Since you won’t tell me what’s going on, there is no way that I could figure it out on my own. That girl has brought down all the barriers you put up since your father left when we were eleven. She did in six months what I couldn’t do in five and a half years. I think the difference between us is that she acts with a complete disregard for your feelings. Meanwhile, I kept avoiding to hurt you and act as your ideal friend. Whatever happened between you two on Christmas, there’s one thing I’m sure of: that girl can be clumsy but I have no doubt she cherishes you.” She pats my head. “Goodnight.”

Once she went to bed, I reach out for Antoniko and hug him close to my heart.

xxx

I am exhausted. All I want is to go to our room, make love to Yuzu and sleep.

As I push the door, I find her sitting on our bed, waiting for me. She looked at me, concern in her eyes but none of the usual gleam that only her eyes had.

“Are you okay?” She asks.

“Just tired,” I reply.

She was wearing a tank top and grey shorts. She looked tired too.

I climb on our bed and crawl behind her. I kiss her bicep, her shoulder, her cheek, then rub my cheekbone on her shoulder blade. I hug her and ask “May I?”

“Yes,” she says. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close. I put my lips on the top of her back. I didn’t brush her hair away. I love how she smells. Three of my five senses are already full of Yuzu. Soon I’ll be tasting her and hearing her too.

Once I got my fill of her fragrance, I start kissing her neck through the golden locks of her hair.

“I love you,” I say.

She doesn’t reply.

I gently get her to lie down. She looked away from me. I kiss her on the mouth. She doesn’t kiss me back. I pulled away.

“What’s going on?” I ask her. “You want this, don’t you?”

“Mei, I only kissed you once. I was upset and I apologized for it. You’re the one who kept kissing me whenever you felt like it.”

“No, I-...”

“Mei, I’m sorry. I was just trying to understand you as your sister. That’s why I asked what that kiss meant. Plus, I’m interested in boys, like Harumin and Matsuri. Maybe you should ask Himeko to do these things. She loves you, doesn’t she? Don’t make me slap you again.”

“Yuzu…I-...”

“I think it’s time we tell Mom and Dad about this. Grandfather, too. I tried to help you, I really did.”

“Please, Yuzu… No... I swear I will never try to-…”

“How many times are you going to tell yourself that? Matsuri was right about you. Harumin too.”

“Mei, are you there?” Dad’s voice comes from behind the door.

I froze in terror. Yuzu got up from the bed.

“Yuzu, no!” I whisper.

“Sorry,” Yuzu said. “Give me the keys.”

“What? You don’t need the key to open from the inside”

“Give me the keys.”

“Yuzu?” Mom’s voice sounds concerned.

“Mom!” Yuzu screams. “She’s raping me!”

“No, I’m not!” I protest.

Dad broke down the door.

Yuzu was underneath me. We were both naked. She had tears in her eyes, scratches, bruises and bite marks all over her body.

Mom pushes me from atop of Yuzu. Dad wraps her in a blanket.

“I trusted you with her!” Mom says through her tears.

“You’re no daughter of mine” Dad looked at me with disdain, while he hugged Yuzu.

“I swear, I don’t know how we got there… We were both wearing clothes just now…”

“Do you think that’s how the Aihara heir should behave?” Grandfather asks.

I’m standing, naked, in the center of the board room, with all the members staring at me.

Matsuri is showing her phone to everyone: “Yuzu is not the only one. She assaulted me too. And look at all these texts she was sending a man old enough to be her father. A certified slut, that’s what she is. ”

Mother, Father’s ex-wife, was near the exit.

“Mommy, I swear! I didn’t do anything!” I say, trying my best to cover myself up with my hands.

“You’re no daughter of mine...” She says, gets out and closes the door behind her.

xxx

Day Two

I woke up at six with tears in my eyes. It was the fourth dream I had about Yuzu, but the first one she spoke in….

I don’t want to think about it….

I didn’t want to go out today but I dragged myself out of bed. Himeko invited me to go with her to the Yasaka shrine, but I declined saying that I wanted to be alone. I felt guilty as Himeko and I didn’t have other friends apart from each other.

“I’m sorry,” she said, although I was the one who needed to apologize. “I’ll be with Taniguchi-san and Yuzu if you need me”

Apparently, I was the only one that didn’t have other friends.

It rained when we were at the shrine. As I distanced myself from the rest of the students I end up taking shelter in a different side of the shrine.

I stand up, listening to the soothing sound of the rain.

“Ah, there you are!” A voice pulls me out of my reverie. It’s Nina. “Everyone else is on the other side of the shrine. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Mei, aren’t you tying an enmusubi (love knot)?”

Why would she look for me?

“I just don’t believe in things like fate and wishes,” I humor her. Furthermore, Yuzu made her feelings clear yesterday and the nightmare I had…

“Oh… It’s just that my big sis likes you, Mei. Since you’re not tying an enmusubi with anyone, will you tie one with her?”

Her older sister? She met me only once. Plus, I’m done with the subject of love altogether.

“I’m very flattered but I’m not interested”

“Awww! That’s too bad, but I understand,” she got too close to me. ''by that, I mean the thing you want, Mei.”

She runs through the rain while waving “Think it over! Byeeeee!”

What is she on about? We barely know each other. Well, after meeting Mom, I came to believe there are people who can see through others easily, but even she couldn’t see why Yuzu and I weren’t talking.

“Nina! Where’d you go?” This time it’s Sara. She has an umbrella, she is evidently looking for her sister. She gets flustered upon noticing me. “Ah... Mei? Um, I got a text from my little sis saying she was here… Have you seen her?”

“Yes, I did,” I say. “She was here just a minute ago, but she ran off in the rain.”

“What? Uh...” She turns her attention to me. “Sometimes destiny needs a little push. Umm, I, uh… Mei, I… I like you. I fell in love with you from the moment we met at the train station! I know since we’re both girls, this might be a bit strange, but I’m not playing around. I’m serious about this.”

“I do love you, Mei. As sisters, as family. I feel it’s my job to look after you…”

“Sara…” I say, “Would you say that you need me?”

It must sound strange, but I made that mistake once.

“Of course!” She smiled “Of course, I need you! I’m crazy about you!”

I can’t believe this, she didn’t even hesitate.

I know the situations aren’t comparable but I got slapped when I asked Yuzu the same thing. I do not believe in destiny but yesterday’s dream might have been a premonition.

It’s high time I put my twisted unrequited feelings for Yuzu to rest.

“Sara… I am not as good a person as you may think.”

“I’m not either, but that’s what love is about: accepting each other’s flaws.”

“I see... Sara, If you’re alright with me, I’ll be in your care.”

“Really? I’ll be in your care too. So… Do you want to go on a date tomorrow? Both our schools have free time, right?”

“Alright… Then should we meet at Kyoto station?”

“Works for me. Can I hug you?”

“I suppose it’s something lovers do.”

She let go of her umbrella and jumped towards me. I can feel her heart beating fast. She let go of me, grabbed her umbrella and ran after her sister. “See you tomorrow!”

Just like that, I was dating someone.

xxx

When I met with Himeko she said that Yuzu wanted to see me.

I met with Yuzu at the lobby.

“Curfew is close, so try to keep it short” I’m amazed at how calm I am. No matter what Yuzu had to say, I’m in control.

“Sure,” she says. ”Uh, well… About yesterday when I said that I want to look after you because we’re family, I really mean it… but I… Mei, I… Li-Like… Sorry give me a sec! Let me start again.”

Compared to her, Sara spelled out things from the start.

“Yuzu,” I say, “I also have something to share with you. Today someone told me they liked me.”

“Wha...?”

“I have decided to go out with that person.”

“But-...”

She has no right to protest. She rejected me. I, at least, have spared her of having to spell out her feelings just to have them trampled. I noticed the Omamori (love charms) in her hands… It was obvious what she was trying to do.

No. It was not. I made that mistake once. When will I stop?

“Goodnight”

“Go-Goodnight”

I leave her in the lobby. I go to my room. Himeko was feeling blue. Her plan with the shrine went awry since it rained.

“How was your day?” I ask.

“Yuzu and Taniguchi are both so annoying!” she says “Taniguchi knows a lot about history, though. She said she’d guide the four of us tomorrow.”

“About that… I have a date tomorrow. Somebody confessed to me, and I accepted.”

She smiled. “So, Aihara Yuzu finally did it?”

“What makes you think it’s Yuzu?”

“Um… I-...”

“We’re sisters!”

“It’s just with the way you were depressed about her and-…”

“Because she’s my sister.”

“Mei-mei…”

“You and her have been bickering for way too long. No wonder you misunderstood each other.”

“I’m sorry…”

This is bad. I thought that secret would be resolved by being in a relationship, but since Himeko suspects things, it is far from over. She got the best of Yuzu once. She can do it again.

“Himeko, I need you to understand this,” I put as much emphasis as I can on each word. “Yuzu and I cherish each other as SISTERS, as family. It’s our job to look after each other and we take it as seriously as we can. Got that?”

“Got it.”

“Prepare for the bath, other students must be done by the time we’re ready.”

“Alright. Mei-mei, I’m sorry.”

“As long as you understand.”

“Welcome back.”

“Huh?”

“You’re back to being your old self. It makes me feel a little lonely but I’m glad you resolved things.”

“Thank you… Himeko, I’ve been adding to your workload these days. Why don’t you go take a bath with the rest of the students? I will take care of the logbook.”

“Mei-mei, being of use to you made me happy, so-...”

“I insist.”

She looked sad, but she got her things and went out.

I do the patrol while thinking of what we’d tell Mom. Did Yuzu and I make up or not? We’re talking again. It won’t matter anyways since I’m going back to grandfather’s.

I didn’t find Yuzu in her room. Her friend said she went to the bathroom and that she’d be there for long because she ate too much and had to empty her stomach so she was going to be there for a while. Taniguchi and I never spoke but when we did she said something ridiculous. All the rooms had an en-suite bathroom. Her lie was easy to crack. Yuzu might have told her she’d be late just because she wanted to cry alone somewhere...

Should I check up on her? I would probably just make matters worse. I add her name to the logbook.

I went to the bath when Himeko came back. It was the first time I relaxed in months.

Sara… She seems as gentle as Yuzu. She’s cute, too. Her sister is more on the beautiful end of the physical appeal spectrum. Yuzu is somehow both. She can also be alluring at times. Although, I’ve never seen her being graceful.

I’m sure it’s only because I’ve spent too much time being around Yuzu…

There she is.

As I was going out. Yuzu was coming in.

Apparently we no longer have trouble looking each other in the eye.

“Our school’s designated time to use the bath ended fifteen minutes ago,” I say.

“Then what are you doing here?” she yells.

“Student council members had patrol duty, so we are allowed to go in afterwards.” As she doesn’t retort I continue with my scolding. “Your disregard for the rules will inconvenience both our school AND the establishment.”

“Argh! I get It! You don’t have to spell out every little thing. I’ll hop in real quick and be right out!”

She never yelled at me before, no matter how angry I made her. Does she hate me now?

When I went back to our room I spent time talking to Himeko about the upcoming exams, the graduation ceremony, and the possible candidates for student council members. Himeko wondered if we would need to hold an election. I didn't think any student would put forward a candidacy, but I was prepared.

“I’ll drop off the logbook at the teacher’s lounge.” Himeko picks up the logbook and goes out.

“Thank you.” I finish drying my hair.

“Sorry for barging in.” I hear Yuzu’s voice.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Uwah?! “Mei…”

“You told me you were going right back to your room. So why are you here?”

“I… I needed to talk to you some more…”

“It’s past curfew. If you need to tell me something do it tomorrow.”

I need to get Yuzu out of the room before Himeko comes back. Yuzu might say something that contradicts what I told Himeko earlier.

“Please, Mei! Just listen to me!” she insists.

“Go back to your room.”

“No. This is important.”

I know how stubborn she can be. Not only don’t I want Himeko to hear her, but also I’m afraid of what she might say. It took all my might to find a path for my heart to get away from her…

“No,” I mirror her refusal. “Whatever it is, I don’t-....”

We hear Himeko’s footsteps. I quickly shut the lights, pull out the covers and push Yuzu on my bed. I get in and cover both of us.

“Poor Mei-mei,” Himeko says. “She must have been exhausted. Sweet dreams, Mei-mei.”

She’s usually more perceptive. She must be tired herself.

As soon as Himeko tucked herself in, I whisper to Yuzu “Listen, as soon as Himeko’s asleep, get out.”

“Oh, okay.” she whispers back.

Neither of us moves for a few minutes.

Yuzu’s scent, her warmth. I missed it.

She hugs my waist and presses her face against my stomach. What is with her? I don’t move. She breaths against my belly and squeezes me tighter.

Why is it that a mere touch from her makes me feel like this?

“Mei?” the idiot lifts the cover to look at me. A few seconds went by and she kissed me on the neck. A moan escapes me. I feel her breasts on mine and her leg is rubbing against my crotch. Her heartbeat is as quick as mine.

I opened my eyes as she was about to kiss me. She had two months to do whatever she wanted with me in the safety of our own room, in our own bed. Yet, she chooses to make a move on me when there’s somebody else in the hotel room.

“Get out.” I push her away.

She tiptoes to the door, and lingers there for a few seconds then gets out without making a sound. I’m glad Himeko didn’t wake up.

She could have touched me anytime during those two months and I would have given myself to her. She waited until I told her that I started going out with someone else.

Matsuri flashes before my eyes.

I guess I’m not the only possessive person. I did the same thing, two months ago. The knowledge that she wants to own me pleases me.

Was I too hasty in accepting Sara’s confession?

Would she have kissed me if I didn’t stop her? It’s been four months since we last kissed, but I still remember the feeling. I still remember her taste.

What else would she have done? It’s the first time she pressed herself against my belly. I felt her breasts on my thighs.

Everything was so overwhelming.

Apart from the kiss on the neck she didn’t even do anything that would qualify as sexual, yet I am aroused. Does she feel the same way? Did it feel good for her too? Her face was flushed red.

Yuzu… What are you doing to me? Why do you make me feel this way?

The moment I thought I have let go of you, you bring me back to obsess about you all over again.

xxx

Day Three

I fought against sleep all night. I feared sleep. I didn’t want to dream of Yuzu.

I spent the night plagued by thoughts of telling Sara to cancel our date. I accepted her feelings in the hope that she’d help me resolve my situation with Yuzu. The evidence of last night shows that a single touch from Yuzu is enough to cause a massive regression in my psyche.

I don’t think I will be able to sleep in the same bed as Yuzu again. I’m not sure I’d resist her if she tries again. Knowing myself, I’d cheat on Sara sooner or later.

Yuzu is gentle and kind, but I discovered yesterday that she has a forceful side to her too if the right triggers are pulled. In my haziness, I liked it. With my bearing collected, I didn’t dislike it. Instead of thinking how to put an end to things, I find my mind wondering about how I can bring out that side of her more. Had our roles been reversed on that couch on Christmas, we’d be celebrating our two months anniversary by now.

Sara deserved better than an incestuous girl like me. She said love was about accepting each other’s flaws but I’m sure unfaithfulness is unacceptable still.

A sexual relationship between Yuzu and I, would one call that incest? We’re not related by blood. I don’t think that we would have even ventured into all of this if we had the same biological parents. The kiss that triggered all of this, I did it because I didn’t want to accept her as a sister. Had I known I would come around to love her as a sister, I wouldn’t have done it.

Yes. This is incest. I don’t care about whether the anthropologic definition of incest requires the involved parties to be related by blood or not. I’m certain I love her as a sister and I would never deny or bear anyone else claim that she is not my sister. I’m also certain that I long for her touch. Therefore, our relationship is wrong and should be stopped. We have to limit ourselves to sisterhood.

Sara might be my salvation. I should nurture my relationship with her instead of clinging to a twisted love that has no future.

Ultimately, whoever I go out with, we’d have to separate when I get married. I wanted to see my feelings through, and my judgement was clouded by that ambition. I would have broken Yuzu’s heart eventually, so cutting our feelings for each other at the root is the best course of action.

As I was preparing myself for the date, Himeko came to me with perfume.

“Use this” she says. “Good luck on your date. Tell me all about it on the trip back home, alright?”

“Sure,” I say.

“I’ll go meet Yuzu and Taniguchi in the lobby. That way I’ll make sure they stay out of trouble.”

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“Don’t worry about me, Mei-mei. Just have fun on your date, okay?” She goes out.

I recall the way Yuzu uses perfume on herself. I correct my thoughts from yesterday in the bath. Yuzu looks gracious when she takes care of her appearance.

Anthoniko is looking at me.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I’m not taking you today, I’m sure you understand.” I tuck him in on my bed. “I’ll tell you all about it later.”

I’m sure even Yuzu would think I’m ridiculous if she catches me talking to my teddy bears. What would Sara think?

I go out of our room, but I feel wrong. I’ve been carrying Yuzu-… I mean Anthoniko since I left home. My pocket uncomfortably felt empty. He watched over me throughout my journey. It feels wrong to leave him behind.

I go back and put him in my pocket.

I met Sara at Kyoto station. She wasn’t all smiles as she was yesterday. Was she nervous? Did she reconsider?

After greetings and some idle chat about her sister and our respective schools, we decided to go to the Kyoto tower. We went up to the observatory. Sara didn’t say much.

Looking at the horizon made me feel at ease. As I look into infinity, I realize how small my worries are.

“Ah sorry,” I realize I wasn’t being a considerate date, “I was lost in my own world.”

“No, no! It’s fine!” she says.

I noticed she was clenching what looked like a student book from our school. “Sara?” I try to ask her about it.

“Hey, Mei!” she interrupts me. “Can I kiss you?”

Of course, I knew that was coming. I am her girlfriend after all. “Alright.”

I stoop down to kiss her. As I close my eyes I see Yuzu’s face from last night.

I stop.

“Sorry, I can’t…” Tears well up and I can’t stop them.

“I knew it…” Sara says. “You’re thinking of someone else.”

“Sara… Would you listen to my story?”

She hugged me. “Of course, I’m still your girlfriend for now…”

“I have a crush on a girl. It’s been six months since we met each other. It took time but we finally grew close. I thought she liked me back but she rejected me over Christmas… She’s hardly spoken to me for two months. She tried to talk to me yesterday but I’m too afraid to listen to her. I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“Would you believe it if I told you that this is the second time I’m hearing this story?”

“Huh?”

“The girl you’re talking about,” she lets go of me and opens the student book. It was Yuzu’s. “It’s her isn’t it?”

“Yes…”

“I’m afraid we can’t be girlfriends anymore. I will be rooting for you two as your friend, though.”

“What?”

“Yuzu is my precious friend. I believe it is my fate to bring you two together.”

“Sara, no. I want to let go of her. Just be patient with me. I swear, I will get over her.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes.”

“Then, go wait for me at the Yasaka shrine. We’ll tie an enmusubi together when I get there.”

“Why don’t we go together?”

“I have to take care of something first”

The situation doesn’t bode well with me but I accept.

As I walk to the shrine, I think of Yuzu. I never considered asking her what she wanted or what she needed. I forced my ideals on her. She looked after me, and my answer was what I did at Christmas. It was rash behavior no matter how I look at it. A part of me will always think that it’s wrong for us to desire each other. Is it the same for her? Did I scare her that night? I think part of the reason why I didn’t hate her for rejecting me is because I understand how she felt... She’s been trying to get her feelings across over the last few days. I’m afraid to hear her out… The burden of accepting would lie upon my shoulders. I selfishly wanted her to take that responsibility…

“Mei!” Yuzu calls out to me

“Yuzu…” Surprised to see her, I ask her, “Why are you here?”

“I just want one more chance to tell you how I feel, and this time I’ll do it clearly.”

I start walking away.

“I have nothing more to discuss with you.”

I’m trying to get out, not go back to that vicious cycle.

“Hey!! Wait a minute, Mei!!” She yells “I’m not playing around, I really need to talk to you”

I hear her footsteps quickening. I do the same.

“Mei!! Mei, I…” her sentences get interrupted by her breath as she starts to run after me “I don’t get you at all!!”

“That girl has brought down all the barriers you put since your father left when we were eleven. She did in six months what I couldn’t do in five and a half years. I think the difference between us is that she acts with a complete disregard for your feelings.”

I start running away. Literally. She’s more athletic than I am. She’ll catch up to me if I don’t try my best.

“You’re the one who pushed me down and kissed me the first day we met!” Yuzu doesn’t let the fact that we’re running dissuade her from speaking her mind.

You did the same thing to me in the chairman’s office.

“You hugged me out of the blue.”

You cried for me.

“Just when I think you like me, you go back to being a stone-cold bitch!”

You rejected me when I offered myself to you.

“I never know what I’m going to get with you!”

I never know what I’m going to get with you!

“Don’t you feel the same way about me?!”

I do, but-...

Before I knew it, she was tackling me to the ground…

She was on top of me. We spend a good minute catching our breaths.

“During Christmas break…” she says through her ragged breath, “Mei, my heart was pounding. I was so happy, but I didn’t pay attention to your feelings. I couldn’t reciprocate them. When I pushed you away after Dad came home, I regretted it. I really did. No matter how much I beat myself up over it, it didn’t solve anything! Mei, I don’t wanna feel that way again!”

I try to get up but she sits on my legs.

“I love you, Mei.” she looks deep into my soul. ”And these feelings will never betray you. So, Mei, if you feel the same way..." she closes her eyes and offers her lips to me. “Please, kiss me.”

My heart is beating so fast, it feels it’s going to fly out of my chest. I reach for her… A love that would never betray me… This is exactly why I wanted her to accept my feelings instead. I can’t reciprocate that… I don’t want to feel lost either…

My feelings for her… I love her.. I do… I really do… I don’t have the confidence to say I won’t betray her…

My hand reached for Anthoniko instinctively…

He didn’t leave my side since the day she gave him to me, even when I tried to leave him behind. I don’t think there is a more profound proof of my feelings for her…

I grab him and put his mouth on hers. I make a kissing sound.

This is embarrassing. I long for her yet I can't muster the courage to manage a proper kiss.

“Thanks,” she casts Anthoniko aside, “but I want another one. A real one this time.”

She kissed me.

I love her.

She’s all I need.

I don’t know how long we maintained that kiss, but I know neither of us wanted to let go.

I get up and pat my clothes.

“Is it safe to say that you like me too?” She asks, sitting on the ground still.

Do I have to spell everything out?

“I won’t know for sure unless we try going out,” I say.

“Jeez, Mei, why do you have to be so cold?”

Because I’m a stone-cold bitch. She did call me that. Is it within my rights as the girlfriend to get upset? I’ll let it slide this time...

“Wait!!” She shouts “Did you just say go out just now? Did you? Hey! Mei! Wait up!”

I did spell it out but there is no way in hell or earth I’m gonna repeat it.

“Mom asked you to send her photos of us together, right?”

“Yes, she did.”

“Let’s.”

She hugged me and took a photo of the two of us.

“First picture as girlfriends!” She announced.

“Let us go apologize to Sara. We caused her a lot of trouble”

“Yeah, let’s.”

Yuzu called her on her phone. She said they were at Kyoto station as their train back home was scheduled to leave in an hour. We walk side by side.

“So, Mei,” Yuzu says “Valentines has already passed, but would you still accept a chocolate from me?”

“As long as you accept one from me too.”

“Alright, I’m gonna make you the best chocolate there is!”

“Let’s make them together. Also, from now on, let’s cook together.”

“Gotcha!”

“That means, no more going out after school. I’m requesting it as the girlfriend.”

“Mei, are you going to use that often?”

“As often as necessary.”

“God… Oh! That means I can use it too!”

“Alright,” I’m terrified of what she’s thinking “Let’s not use it then.”

“Aww... ”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I’m not saying.”

“Then don’t.”

“Jeez! You’re no fun!”

I’m having fun, though. Our bond has morphed into something new, and I’m looking forward to seeing where it would take us. I can finally call Yuzu mine, and myself, hers.

At the station, as soon as we greeted Sara and Nina, Yuzu tried to apologize to both of them. Nina picked her up and took her away.

“That was kinda mean to Yuzu,” Sara says, “but I wanted to talk to you alone. Is that okay with you? So did you two finally hash things out?”

“I’m so sorry.” I bow deeply.

“Woah, what’s this?”

“You’ve given me so much,” I say without lifting my head, ”and I couldn’t give you anything in return. Please tell me how I can repay you.”

“Mei!” she yelled. “Don’t make such an offer! I know you’re just trying to make things right but if you’re not happy, I definitely won’t be happy. You need to be a little more selfish.”

If I can be selfish then I-...

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” I say.

“Alright.” she giggled. “Fine, in order to clear your conscience, maybe I’ll ask for one thing. Hold hands with Yuzu as you walk back to the hotel! Hee Hee!”

We joined Nina and Yuzu near the platform. The four of us said our goodbyes, hoping we would meet again. There are now five people that know of Yuzu and I. Six if we count Himeko. I think I will tell her about it. She has helped me so much. Furthermore, there is a chance she wasn’t asleep yesterday.

As soon as Nina and Sara left, I grabbed Yuzu’s hand.

“Eyeaah! Mei?” She‘s surprised.

“Let’s walk back to the hotel together,” I say, putting my all into keeping a straight face.

“Like this? Ahh, are you sure? It’s winter but your hand is so warm...”

“Shut up and walk.”

I’m already failing as a girlfriend. I could’ve said something sweet.

We walk hand in hand, in silence. I could use Yuzu’s idle chat, right now. Why did Sara ask me to do this?

“Hey, Mei,” Yuzu decides to speak when we arrived at an intersection. “Let’s go tie an enmensubi.”

“It’s getting late,” I say. “We should have done that when we were at the shrine.”

“You didn’t refuse!” Yuzu gasps. “Alright, let’s do it when we come back next year for our anniversary!”

It moves me that she already wants to stay by my side for a whole year.

At the hotel, Himeko and Taniguchi were at the lobby together, going through their pictures. Taniguchi made fun of Himeko. Himeko was too tired to retort. Poor her, she has such a low stamina. As soon as Taniguchi spotted Yuzu, she ran to her and hugged her. “You look happy!” she said.

Himeko held my hands and said: “You look happy too. I take it things went well on your date.”

“They did,” I say.

Yuzu smiled then immediately changed the subject: “Show us the pictures!”

Taniguchi took Himeko her to all the historic sites. With each photo Himeko grew paler while Taniguchi seemed to have more fun. Taniguchi was more athletic than all of us, and frankly has a better figure than mine. Does Yuzu look at her when they change? I can ask her not to that as the girlfriend, can’t I? What is within my rights? I have to be really careful. I want Yuzu to like me, not hate me because I told her not to hang out with her best friend. Perhaps I could ask to tag along… Yuzu is much more beautiful than her, though.

Taniguchi and Yuzu went to their room and we went to ours. Yuzu and I promised each other to share the same train compartment on our way home. I wanted to kiss her before she went.

In our hotel room, I told Himeko all the details of my date. From meeting Sara to holding hands with Yuzu on our way back.

It felt right to tell her. I don't know what I’ll be sharing with her in the future, but the whole Matsuri episode and the horrible things I did to Yuzu, I will take them with me to my grave.

Himeko didn’t interrupt me. She just listened to what I said, with tears in her eyes.

“Yuzu is my lover, now” I conclude. “I’m sorry Himeko…”

“Why?” She asks.

“For everything. For lying to you. For not listening to your feelings… The reason I was so depressed, is because Yuzu rejected me over Christmas. I know how you must havefelt now… I know how Matsuri, Yuzu’s childhood friend, felt too…”

“Mei-mei, I decided to support you since the day I knew you looked at her the way I always wanted you to look at me. Don’t feel guilty. Treasure your feelings. I will destroy her if she hurts, though. In hindsight, she HAS already hurt you! Grrr! But if I hurt her now, you will be hurt too, so there’s no helping it. I will just do my best to protect both you and your lover.”

“We’ll be in your care… When did you notice that I had feelings for her?”

“At first, I just thought you were trying to prevent her for sullying the Aihara’s name with her behavior… But something changed after she took you on that bike.”

“That night, she cried for me… I tried to comfort her… I don’t know how it happened but we kissed… I think that’s when I started to see her as a… potential lover. We have kissed before, me and her I, five times in fact: The first four kisses happened because we kept on getting on each other’s nerves, but one of them was a peace treaty. But that fifth one felt different, as it had actual feelings in it. We both felt it from the moment our lips touched.”

“Mei-mei, are you telling me that when she kissed you today, it was your sixth one?”

“Yes…”

“When was your first kiss?”

“The first night I spent with her. I was the one who kissed her. I’m sure you saw the one in the chairman’s office. That one was engendered by mine.”

“God! I lost before I even started competing! Mei-mei… I can’t believe I’m saying this but, from now on, when somebody pisses you off, hit them!”

I think of Matsuri. I chase her away from my thoughts.

“I have one last question,” I say “Last night… When you went to bed…”

“I didn’t hear anything...” Himeko preemptively denies.

“I have not asked anything yet.”

She’s blushing. I’m sure I am too… So that’s a part we can’t discuss.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“It’s alright...” She says.

What would Yuzu do if she was in my place? I stand up and hug her, and say: “Thank you for everything…”

We both cry for a while.

xxx

After buying souvenirs, and going through the roll call. Yuzu, Himeko, Taniguchi and I got in the first available compartment. It was 10 p.m. The school expected us to sleep on the way home, so they provided us with blankets.

“Yuzu…” I say. “I think I lost my blanket.” This was not true. Himeko smiles.

“Oh….Wanna share mine?” Yuzu asks.

“Thank you.”

If Taniguchi wasn’t here, I might have kissed her. I wonder: Did she tell Taniguchi as I did Himeko. She should have to ask for my permission first… God! I made such an obvious mistake on my first day as her girlfriend. If she told Taniguchi, then it’s alright, right? But how can I find out? I could just ask her… But what if she’s worrying about the same thing…

I’ll just pretend I didn’t tell a soul. I’ll ask Himeko to stay quiet later.

Yuzu lays the blanket on our knees. I take the edges and warps both of us in the blanket.

“Stretch your legs on my seat,” I instruct. “I’m going to put my head on your chest. We’ll both be comfortable this way.”

Yuzu turns beet red, but does as I say.

“This looks fun!” Taniguchi says. “Let’s do it too vice Prez. My boobs are bigger than Yuzu’s so you’ll enjoy yourself more than Prez!”

She pisses me off.

“Get away from me!” Himeko yells at her!

“Come on!” Taniguchi hugs Himeko.”We had a fun day together! This will wrap things perfectly!”

“A fun day?! For you! You dragged me all over the place!”

Yuzu laughs. I guess I’ll forgive Taniguchi this once. This is the first time I am this close to her when she laughs.

“You alright?” Yuzu asks me.

“Yes, you?” I reciprocate the concern, as best as I could.

Yuzu takes advantage of the others being preoccupied and kisses me on the forehead. “I am now.. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” I kiss her on the chin.

I leave the other two to their own devices.

I slept in the arms of my beloved. The first time of many, I hope, as long as I’m able to.