I’m in a kind of love triangle and am so confused about what to do. I don’t know how I ended up getting into this situation, but I am finding it very difficult to get out of it.

I met my ex eight years ago, while I lived abroad, fell in love and then realised she had bipolar disorder. She came back to England with me for a short while and then went back home, only to come back to study again. It was very back and forth for many years. We broke up, got engaged but then it fell apart again and we stopped talking as much. I met someone else two years ago and it was great, but I always felt this pull to my ex and never really let go. I went to see my ex on a number of occasions, thinking that I’d talk to her in person and know what was the right thing to do. I was never able to come up with the words, so it dragged on.

About four months ago, my current girlfriend found out that I had been to see my ex and we were on the verge of breaking up. I tried to put things right with her and it has been a very difficult and dark few months. She has forgiven me to an extent, but I still haven’t been able to let go of my ex.

It has got to a point now that I have told my girlfriend that we need to have a break so I can sort myself out. She has moved out and I do miss her a lot. However, as my ex is in a bad place at the moment, too, I have promised her I am going to go and see her so we can talk. I just don’t know what to do. I feel I should talk to her and it would give me the opportunity to see exactly if there is anything there. The space away from my girlfriend, I hope, would make me realise that she is the one for me and come back to her in a happier place where I feel I can be happy and give 100%.

I am at the point in my life of really wanting to settle down and be happy. I just don’t know which route is the right one at the moment as I am drawn to them both in different ways – they both have amazing qualities.

I am not sure of your age – you didn’t give it – but from what you have said it sounds as if you met your ex in your early 20s, maybe even your late teens. Anecdotally, those we fall in love with at this time – early adulthood – can have a real hold on us, even long after the relationship is over.

The end of your relationship sounds messy and fragmented and this can sometimes make us want us to go back and fix it, or do things differently – better. There certainly seems to be an unwillingness to let go. Does your ex have good support for her bipolar disorder? Do you feel responsible for her?

Your indecision was rife throughout your letter and I found myself wanting to know a bit more about your early life – were your decisions validated? Did you grow up feeling you could make decisions for yourself? Does your ex- girlfriend tap into something – does she remind you of a family member whom you learned you had to be responsible for or could not be honest with?

When there is a choice between two people, it’s not always a case that one of them must be right for you

Sometimes when we find ourselves acting in a less than clear fashion and not in a way we would like to, it may be because a person in front of us reminds us of someone in our formative past. Thus the child with the brittle/fragile/overbearing parent or sibling, grows up to be an adult who finds it hard to say what they really mean to other people with those personality traits, for fear of upsetting them.

I know that when a person – especially a man – is stuck between two people, this can come across as weak, indulgent and greedy. There is certainly not a lot of sympathy to go around. The reality is anything but; it makes you feel entirely wretched and after a while can start to erode your self-esteem. It is important, however, to realise you have control over your situation.

The answer to your dilemma is that, very probably, neither of these women is right for you. When there is a choice between two people, it is not always a case that one of them must be right for you, if you could only work out which. It is more likely that you have two not-quite-right-for you people in front of you at the same time. I think the fact that you are feeling ready to “settle down” is making you look at your situation and evaluate – and that is good. Just don’t mistake availability for suitability.

My advice is to break from both women. Let them be free to meet someone else if they choose to. Don’t give them false hope and string both of them along – that would be really uncool.

I know this is not going to be easy for you because of your indecision, but you also seem to be trying to keep everyone happy (except they are not, and you are not, either). But you have to do it, otherwise you are going to make a really big mess.

So take time to find out a bit more about yourself, who you really are, and what you want. Our own insecurities can make us indecisive – and I think these two women are manifestations of yours. Take time to work this out now and there is no reason you can’t settle down in the future. But don’t be surprised if it is with someone you haven’t met yet.

Your problems solved



Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence

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