*Stands up at “Idiots Anonymous”* “Hello, my name is Chris. A couple of months ago I convinced myself that my alma mater, USC, would be able to win the Pac-12 title and make the College Playoff. Not only did I believe that we would make the College Playoff, but that we’d go on to win the National Championship thanks to our Heisman-winning Quarterback Cody Kessler and Heisman runner-up Adoree’ Jackson leading the way. After several weeks, I have discovered that these dreams were foolish, and I am in fact a humongous idiot” *wipes tears off USC scarf* *sits down*

I refrained from writing a blog last week because there was nothing funny about our head coach getting fired and sent to rehab immediately following a loss at home against an unranked team. So I took a break for the week mostly because it’s hard to write three thousand words while having a full-time job, commuting, and staying in shape so that I don’t end up looking like a stereotypical blogger. I’ve changed some things around so that the blogs will be shorter. Those changes include little to no research into USC or their opponent because they do not deserve the amount of time I used to give them.

There were two outcomes that could come from last week’s game at Notre Dame that would provide the bulk of material: we’d lose and be able to embrace how hilariously awful our team has become or we’d win and be able to insult the Irish as we hold onto a glimmer of hope that would be a two-loss playoff team. Unfortunately for us, the former occurred.

Game Recap

I’m going to try to give the best possible analysis of this game. I was freezing my nuts off, had a few too many adult sodas handle pulls of Fireball, and wasn’t allowed to heckle as the cops were hovering over our seats during the whole second half like Charlie Wiess at the Hometown Buffet’s ice cream bar. By the way, if you want to get under a Notre Dame fans’ skin just tell them that you can’t wait to hire their head coach. Also, I’d like to note that yelling, “At least I don’t have to live in Illinois” is not as effective given that South Bend is in Indiana. Guess I got my geography mixed up on the bus ride over. It is also hard to give in-depth analysis on the game as Notre Dame Stadium doesn’t have a video board since Monks built it in the Dark Ages and renovations were done by Quasimodo and that janitor from Rudy. I honestly think a lot of calls would have been challenged if the fans got to see some of the controversial plays and had reacted accordingly. Or maybe that go-ahead touchdown for the Irish was a definitive catch and my ability to see a small football 100 yards away isn’t as great as I think.

Here’s our highlight video

And here’s Notre Dame’s highlight video. I guess there is two sides to every story.

Their side is better

The Good

The best thing that can come from this loss is that Clay Helton will not be head coach next year. His chances were slim and could have only happened if he’d won this game (and every other game this season), which he couldn’t. Thus, his prestigious 1-0 coaching record is ruined.

Adoree’ Jackson and JuJu Smith-Schuster still have one more year left before becoming eligible for the NFL Draft, which means their talent won’t be wasted on such a putrid season. Both had spectacular long touchdown plays this game, which is not at all surprising.

From the stats, Ronald Jones looks like a fantastic running back. Six carries for 73 yards. If I’m doing my math right, that’s an average of around 12 yards per carry. Smart of the coaching staff to only use him 6 times. Wonder if they lost him on the sidelines.

With three losses and plenty of games left, USC is in that territory where they will qualify for bowl games in fun locations like San Diego, San Francisco, or Vegas. Or they just might win enough to play in the El Paso Bowl.

The Bad

Everything. Pretty much everything. Don’t let the box score fool you. USC had no business being in this game. If it wasn’t for Notre Dame’s fumble at the 1-yard line that immediately led to two USC scores, the Irish are up by two touchdowns by half and Trojan fans are clearing their seats by the third (no difference from any other game really other than they are stuck in South Bend for several more hours until their buses back to civilization can get out of the parking lot).

Cody Kessler is Alex Smith 2.0 but without the undefeated record or skill set to become a 1st round draft pick. “Checkdown Cody” is unable to throw the ball down the field more than 5 yards. 75-80% of his passing yards are after the catch because he plays with the most talented skill players in the nation. Watching Kessler run a two-minute drill was like watching a guy in Vegas playing blackjack after recently watching the movie 21. He may seem confident and sure of himself but realistically he’s got no idea what the hell is going on. Kessler’s average pass during those last two minutes had to be around half a yard. If he was given an extra hour or two, there’s no doubt he would have scored.

Initially I thought having two freshman linebackers starting was an indication of our awesome recruitment class from last year, but after six games of this so-called “defense,” I’m starting to think it’s a sign that we lack of depth in any of our front seven positions. At some point, there’s going to be a team that is just going to straight up tell us what the play is and we won’t be able to stop it. Which, ironically, is what we used to do back in 2007. I’ve seen amputees make better arm tackles than the Trojans.

In the time it took me to write this sentence, Notre Dame scored another touchdown. I don’t know what Justin Wilcox does up there in the booth but it definitely isn’t coaching. For the 100th straight week, USC faced an inexperienced quarterback and refused to run any pressures or blitzes to fluster him. It’s like Wilcox is possessed by the ghost of Monte Kiffin, except this defense bends and breaks. Wilcox pegs me as the kind of person who is too scared to run the “Suicide” play in NFL Blitz against his 12 –year-old nephew. Are we sure Wilcox is a qualified coach, or perhaps he was just hired because he was one of Sarkisian’s drinking buddies?

Adoree’ might want to convert to offense full-time after his performance. He was a lock-down corner, if that lock’s combination was 1-2-3-4. On several plays Adoree’ bit on the initial route and the proceeded to get burned for a long passing play. In a sense, I understand his intentions. When you’re on a defense that couldn’t stop the Little Giants, you try to create turnovers. Only problem was Notre Dame knew that.

Pat Haden collapsed prior to the game. This team is so bad it’s actually trying to kill people. I don’t want to be a Pat Haden truther, but nothing cools down that rocking chair Haden calls a hot seat like passing out before the game. You can’t force him out as AD; he LITERALLY lives for USC Football

The Hypotheticals

This section is devoted to the long time tradition of creating scenarios in which USC can make the National Championship/College Football Playoff.

USC will win the Pac-12 South, if they win out and Utah gets upset by one of the following; Oregon State (terrible), Washington (terrible but apparently better than us), Arizona (awful), UCLA (currently competing against us for who is the worst team in LA), Colorado (Maybe – if half the team gets suspended for marijuana use). Then USC would have to beat Stanford in the Pac-12 Championship. If every religion, god and deity combined to form one “Super God”, this still would be too much of a prayer to answer. I’d say when pigs fly, but a Utah defender just intercepted it.

Five Stages of Grief

If you haven’t realized it, you are close to approaching the last step of the five stages of grief for the USC Trojans. Let’s recap:

Step 1: Denial (Preseason, Arkansas State, Idaho)

“Our coach got a little drunk during a fundraiser, it was an honest mistake.”

“Our offensive line has been a little shaky but we have four returning starters, it will fix itself.”

“Our defense is forcing pressure or creating turnovers, but it’s just cause they’re playing to their opponent. They will step it up during league play”

Step 2: Anger (Stanford)

“HOW CAN WE LOSE AT HOME TO AN UNRANKED TEAM FAVORED BY TEN” (Note: I guess we went back to Step 2 after the Washington game)

Step 3: Bargaining (Arizona State, Washington)

“As long as we win out, we win the Pac-12 South” *two weeks later* “As long as Utah loses once, and we win out, we win the Pac-12 South”

“There definitely can be a two loss playoff team.”

Step 4: Depression (Notre Dame)

*completely silent party bus from South Bend back to Chicago with some slight crying from two men who will remain nameless*

Step 5: Acceptance (Utah)

“We suck.”

The Coaching Carousel

We, as a collective fan base, have to stop. Over the last two weeks, I’ve heard about a billion different potential coaching candidates for the USC job some of which include: Chip Kelly, Pete Carroll, Dabo Swinney, Don Mattingly, Mike Tomlin, Denzel Washington’s character from “Remember the Titans,” Air Bud, Phil Jackson, John Harbaugh, Vince Lombardi (DIG EM UP), Brian Kelly, Eric Taylor (Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose!), and Jim Mora. I think the most laughable candidate I’ve heard is Kliff Kingsbury, a coach who wears a henley and wayfarers on the sidelines like he is going to the Bungalow after the game. We get it you’re good looking, but if you want a job at USC you must have a hot wife, not be hot yourself. Just look at how Lane Kiffin and Andy Enfield got hired.

The basketball team is projected to finish ninth in the Pac-12, but I think we just need to give Andy one more year. I’m being sarcastic. Fire that “Dunk City” doofus.

I can’t do three more months of coaching speculation especially since 99.9% of the potential candidates are currently coaching. Here’s what happens:

Step 1. Coach is rumored for USC job

Step 2. Coach is asked by reporter if he is interested in USC job

Step 3. Coach, currently coaching, denies interest, because he is currently employed by another team.

Step 4. People speculate whether he really meant what he said

Step 5. Go back to Step 1

It’s impossible to predict who will be the next coach of the Trojans, but as long as he’s not part of the Pete Carroll coaching tree, we will be fine. Just kidding, there’s no way this school doesn’t screw up this hire.

Game Preview

Utah is good, like National Championship good. This is difficult to figure out because I can’t think of anyone besides a couple of bison-fed Mormons that would want to play there. I guess they grab a couple of recruits from BYU because they don’t want to get suspended for drinking or fooling around. But Utah? Really? What the hell has happened to us?

Utah is led by quarterback Travis Wilson, who is most famous for getting a concussion while trying to dive eight yards for a first down.

He’s from San Clemente and no one at USC even bothered to offer him a scholarship because we had a totally loaded QB class the year before which included Cody Kessler and Max Wittek with Jesse Scroggins also in the mix.

Their main star on offense is running back Devontae Booker, a Heisman candidate that will get to shake Leonard Fornettes’ hand in New York as he walks on stage to receive the trophy. If both running backs were smart they would sit the rest of their college careers and enter the draft before they tear their ACLs and end up falling to the Buccaneers in the third round.

Their defense, who are nicknamed “Sack Lake City”, is very good and has not allowed a team to score more than 24 points all season. For a team like the Trojans that can only win shootouts, this isn’t ideal.

What’s the Line? (-3.5)

(Current Record: 1-5)

What does Vegas know that we don’t? USC is favored at home by three and a half points. In terms of betting, three points is usually given to the home team if it would be an even matchup on a neutral field. Given that Utah is a lot better than USC and the Coliseum doesn’t get any louder than Leavey Library during finals, I’m tempted to actually put a lot of money on the Utes and pay off my immense student loans. What is this line? How is this even possible? The worst part of the line is that if USC somehow finds a way to win, whatever fans still care about the team will charge the field and we will be breaking the unwritten rule of “don’t charge the field when you were favored to win”.

Prediction:

This is the game isn’t it? The one USC wins and gives you heartache because you’ve lost to three worse opponents. The “If we played like this all year we would have gone to the playoff” game. The game that gives you hope that we could make the Rose Bowl. That we might make a run.

This isn’t the game. USC will throw everything at Utah, but the match-ups are not at all in USC’s favor. Utah’s strong defense offsets our offensive weapons and they run plays that actually move the football forward, so our defense is screwed. This team may not be better than us in skill, but they make up for it with teamwork and mental fortitude, things our program has been lacking for a while.

On the bright side, at least we will get to see our future coach get his first victory in the Coliseum. And no, I’m not talking about Clay Helton. I’m talking about Kyle Whittingham. Can’t wait for him to get asked if he’s interested in the USC job during his post-game pressure. Spoiler Alert: He’s isn’t.

Utah 35 – USC 24

(Note: This is all a reverse jinx)

You can follow me on twitter at @CScondi

Special thanks to my numerous “editors”; Emma, Heather, and Tommy

Sources: USC Athletics, SBNation, Conquest Chronicles, BleacherReport, ESPN, Reign of Troy, Awful Announcing, Deadspin, Wikipedia, Google, ESPN, and a lot of other places