How to Heal your Hillary Hurts

Denial

The God-Emperor you always feared has usurped the throne! Or did he? Is it all a dream? A hazy mirage quivering over wind-swept deserts of fear and desolation? Is Obama Barack? Did Bill Clinton whitewater Vince Foster before he emailed Sidney Blumenthal? Will there be MSG in my artisan lattes?

Anger

October 20th, 2016 — “Oh. My. God. Can you believe Trump might not accept the election results?? What a fascist prick! This is a democracy.”

November 9th, 2016 — “OH. MY. GOD. NOT MY PRESIDENT. DEMOCRACY IS DEAD. EVERYONE IS A DEPLORABLE SHITLORD BECAUSE TRUMP IS A NAZI HELL PRINCE SO I AM SOCIALLY JUSTICING MYSELF TO CANADA.

Bargaining

After you’re all tuckered out from posting your anti-Trump soliloquy on various social media platforms, where you pondered the meaning of existence and why everyone’s a meat-eating, Adolf monster from Huckabee America, it’s time to find some sort of solace. Maybe things won’t be so bad! (?)

Like, perhaps there’s still time for Samantha Bee to “destroy” Trump with a viral, full-frontal take down! Jon Oliver stopped Brexit with his #edgy comedy, so why can’t Trevor Noah do the same! Americans love a good scold from a fancy accent.

Let the improbable possibilities be the wind where your wings take dream!

PTSD

As your Post-Trump-Stress-Disorder begins to set in, you realize you can’t make your part-time barista job. Take the week off and explain to your manager “Chad” that it’s for personal reasons.

Put your thoughts in a journal, and title it “I’m Without Her” so people can see how sad you are.

Acceptance?

NO. It’s time to protest the democratic process! Why accept the will of the people when the people are clearly wrong and stupid? Show America how tolerance is a one way street you can protest on until you get your way! Here are some suggestions:

Wear a #safetypin on your shirt to show you are a “safe space.” Safe spaces are great for campus virtue signaling when you’re trying to prove to your professor that you paid attention in her “Trigger Warning and other Tools for Dismantling the Western Tradition”. Witch Hunt — For the more aggressive type of demonstrator, ramp up the same vitriol and hateful rhetoric you condemned throughout the election. Seek out those who are too oppressed or simple-minded to share your point of view and educate them without mercy. Whether it’s Tumblr or Twitter, lash out wherever and whenever you can. Bonus points if you wear your safety pin!

Or maybe, just maybe, this is all wrong….

3. Somewhere along your traumatic path of devastation, you’ve discovered a light beyond the darkness. Things are put in perspective. Sure, America’s human rights situation is second only to Qatar, but they got a World Cup and real fútböł is a sign of cultural progression!

If you can survive this apocalypse, then consider your glass ceiling shattered. It’s time to spread the good news and let your loved ones know that you’ve finally healed.

Then you see your uncle’s facebook post.

Repeat step 2