Let's look at some of the prettiest wearables for women, like this Tory Burch fitness tracker. Now, every skinny actress I love is always talking about how she never exercises and eats lots of cheeseburgers and drinks whiskey. Even though that’s exactly what I do all day, we look slightly different. What gives? This made me finally get it: The hard work of being thin and beautiful is supposed to be a secret, elegantly disguised as fashion.

The Bloom Necklace fitness tracker from Misfit is a "celebration of floral patterns in nature." There's something vaguely Celtic about it too, so add those terms to the "stuff ladies like" list.

The Cuff only looks like bondage wear. It's actually aimed at protecting women from physical harm; if you are in danger, you can push a button on the cuff and alert your friends that you need them. It also vibrates when you a get a text, of course.

We've got to protect our skin. The Netamo June is all about alerting women to how long we’ve been in the sun so we don't turn into old cancerous raisins. Now while I focus on looking hot, my bracelet can make sure the cellular structure of my epidermis isn’t actually hot. Thanks, science.

That is a vibrator. Called the Vesper, it's shaped like a nail, the kind you hammer into a wall. Yes, at first, to me, it looked positively medieval: dangerous in its approximation of a weapon and yet somehow also insultingly tiny. And yes it's Christian religious name is unsettling--especially with the whole Christ and nail thing. But what do I know; I’m terrible at Pinterest.

The more I look at it, the more I realize it's like the pen Joan hangs around her neck in "Mad Men," only instead of for writing it's for "external stimulation," so now I can totes see this on my Pinterest page. Why it is shaped for impaling when it's for external use only is a bit of a mystery, but OMG, you can have it engraved.

Ringly brings cocktail rings to a whole new level by incorporating smartphone alerts so that when you wear this out to dinner parties you can totally ignore your friends and just stay up to date with Twitter.

I used to be terrified of snakes and therefore snakeskin. But wearables like the MICA have taught me that there is no room for fear in fashion.

The Q Bracelet charges a lady's phone AND is made of polished gold, because bling is a thing we love.