THERE were calls this week for the British Army to be given more heavy-duty armour.

MP Nicholas Soames, who is Winston Churchill’s grandson, pointed out that our Armed Forces now have more horses than tanks, and said that this was a tragic state of affairs, especially as Russia is girding its loins in Eastern Europe.

5 In this day and age, tanks are about as relevant as battleships

On the face of it, he has a point. Britain has 168 tanks and it’s fair to say that if a shooting war started with Putin, they’d all be gone in about 25 minutes.

However, I’m not sure that more is the answer . . .

The tank was invented a hundred years ago to try to unlock the bloody stalemate of trench warfare.

5 MP Nicholas Soames has called for more tanks for our armed forces Credit: In-Focus Photo Agency

World War One was raging, and our idiotic generals couldn’t get it into their thick heads that if you charge at an enemy that’s well dug in and has machine guns, everyone will die.

“But we’ve always done it this way,” they thundered as they sent thousands and thousands of soldiers over the top and into a blizzard of lead.

But then, someone in England had a brainwave. What if you charged at the enemy in an armour-plated, go-anywhere vehicle that had a gun on the front.

Even the generals could see this might work so 56 were built and shipped over the Channel where 24 immediately broke down.

However, at 5.30 in the morning on September 15, 1916, 32 of the steel monsters entered the Battle of the Somme.

5 Tanks were hardly effective in the two world wars and are now completely obsolete Credit: Getty Images

It didn’t go well. The three tanks ordered to form the spearhead of the attack all had mechanical issues before they reached the German lines.

This meant the three tanks on the right flank were on their own and in great peril. But luckily they broke down too.

On the left flank, the tank crews were overcome with fumes from the engine and got lost. One then got stuck in the mud. And the others broke down.

A few did make it to the battle where it quickly transpired that they weren’t quite as armour-plated as everyone had hoped.

By the time World War Two came along, our tanks were much better. But by this point, the Germans had them too, and theirs were better still.

When the war was over, we continued to develop the technology so that today we have the fearsome Challenger 2 which can shrug off any battlefield weapon and even keep its crew alive in the aftermath of a nuclear attack.

All of which is very excellent but it was decided in Afghanistan that deploying such things in civilian areas tends not to win many hearts and minds.

And now? Well, why send a tank to blow something up when you can send a drone?

I love tanks. I went for a spin in a Challenger 2 recently and was nursing a semi after about 40 seconds. It was epic.

And when it fires its 120mm gun, the shock wave is so violent it can knock you over.

But I fear that in this day and age, tanks are about as relevant as battleships.

So I disagree with Nicholas Soames.

We don’t need more of them. What we do need is a new idea.





Pesky badgers are now grave robbing

5 Thanks to celebs like Brian May, badgers will continue to disturb the dead Credit: Reuters

WE’VE known for some time that badgers kill cows and destroy walls with their idiotic habit of digging holes in the countryside.

And now it turns out they are grave robbers as well.

Residents in Lough- borough, Leics, were horrified recently to find that several graves in the town’s cemetery had been dug up in the night.

There were human remains all over the place and at first they must have assumed the horrific crime had been committed by devil worshippers or witches.

But further investigation revealed the damage was done by badgers.

You’d imagine that the families of those who are buried there would insist on the culprits being shot or at the very least moved to a new location.

But no. Thanks to Brian May and his merry gang of animal enthusiasts, they will be allowed to carry on disturbing the dead for as long as they want.

IN a meeting, it will have sounded like a brilliant idea.

Install wifi phone boxes throughout New York so that people can go online to check maps and book theatre tickets.

Unfortunately, only months after the boxes were installed, they are now being removed. Because it turned out that everyone was using them for hours to download strong pornography.

Cameron and ISIS ACCORDING to various extremely large headlines this week, David Cameron is responsible for the growth of terror group ISIS. Yes, and Mary Berry formed Shining Path, June Whitfield, above, started the IRA and James May was a founder member of the Baader-Meinhof group.



Turn heat on drivers who tweet

5 Cameras can’t catch people who are using their mobile phones while at the wheel Credit: Alamy

AS I’ve said many times before, speed has never killed anyone.

Suddenly becoming stationary. That’s what gets you.

But despite this, many of Britain’s roads are festooned with speed cameras to make sure that we all stick to what is usually a preposterously low limit.

40mph? On a dual carriageway? Do me a favour.

The biggest problem with the cameras, though, is that they can only catch people breaking the speed limit.

Certainly, they can’t catch people who are using their mobile phones while at the wheel. I’m not talking about making a call. In my mind, there’s nothing wrong with that. We are human beings and we can do two things at once.

RELATED STORIES THE SUN SAYS Brits must try to look on the bright side of Hinkley Point nuclear deal now it's been given go ahead THE SUN SAYS Jean-Claude Juncker represents the worst part of EU superiority that pushed so many to vote Leave ROD LIDDLE The Labour Party's finished thanks to Corbyn - so it's time for me to leave JOHN WHITTINGDALE The UK needs a sharp Brexit - any further instability will be no good for our economy JANE MOORE Labour's Emily Thornberry didn't know French minister... but she must know it's wrong to cry sexism TREVOR KAVANAGH David Cameron's resignation is a perfectly timed sabotage by a bitter ex-leader to tarnish Theresa May

No. I’m talking about people texting or checking Twitter or sending emails. I see people doing that all the time and it makes my teeth boil with rage.

If you drive at 37mph four times in three years, they take away your licence. If you drive having had one spoonful too many of sherry trifle, they take away your licence.

But texting at the wheel? You get a slapped wrist. I’m with The Sun on this. As a general rule, I don’t ever call for tougher penalties for motorists but when someone is driving a car while NOT LOOKING WHERE THEY ARE GOING, I’m sorry but that’s got to be life in prison.

The only trouble is that they need to be caught first. And here I have another suggestion.

Use the money that’s currently spent on catching people speeding – which isn’t a crime – on actual policemen who can apprehend those who are texting while driving – which is.

Alternative to Bake Off WITH the future of Bake Off very much in the balance, we’re all in need of a new show to keep us amused. And boy oh boy has someone come up with a brainwave.

Drone racing.

Contestants will remotely fly their customised aircraft round an indoor, three-dimensional race course.

It’ll be like Formula One, Robot Wars and Help, I Haven’t Got A Girlfriend all rolled into one.

And it was all put together by Sky for exactly a hundred times less than Channel 4 spent on Bake Off.

It’s going to be one of those shows where I sit there seething, thinking, ‘Why didn’t I think of this?’

THE highest court in Italy decided this week that so long as no children are around, it is perfectly legal and acceptable to masturbate in public.

Yes. And they also decided recently that Silvio Berlusconi should not go to prison.