Erik’s lips stretched into a smile as Phoenix cooed and gurgled happily in his arms. His son gazed up at him intently and continued making soft little noises. It was almost as though they were having a conversation.

Phoenix never ceased to amaze him. He was barely three months old, and he was already so communicative and so aware of everything going on around him. He was the most amazing baby ever. And the smartest too. He had to be. Erik was sure of it.

“Who’s Papa’s smart little guy?” He asked softly.

Phoenix cooed again, and blinked his big, brown eyes a few times. They were so much like Harper’s. Erik felt his stomach sink at the thought.

He still wondered about her all the time. How was she doing? Was jail making her miserable? How was she coping without seeing Phoenix? And what about me? He thought. Does she miss me at all? Even a little?

They were all questions he feared he would never know the answers to. It had been over a month since Harper had gone to prison, and Erik hadn’t seen or heard from her at all since. Not that he was expecting to. She hates me.

But then, what about him? Did he hate her? There were moments when he almost wanted to. Moments when he thought back on everything they’d gone through together and just felt so angry.

Dr. Kirby always seemed to encourage it. Feeling angry about what happened. “You’ve been holding back a lot, Erik. It’s good to let yourself feel these things.”

He didn’t always understand the things she said. Not at first, at least. But the woman was a genius. Of that much, he was certain. She’d saved his life these past few months. It was terrifying to think where he might have ended up without her.

As he thought back on Dr. Kirby’s words, Erik started thinking of the group therapy session he’d attended with her the night before. They’d been talking about apologies, and the courage it takes to ask for forgiveness.

It was something Erik still struggled with. Even after three months of sobriety. Even after spending countless nights tossing and turning and going over every terrible mistake he’d made over the past several years. Feeling angry was easy… Especially at himself. That was easier than anything.

So why did apologizing have to be so damn hard?

Erik’s eyes studied his son’s face for several long moments, then he took a slow, deep breath. I’ve gotta start somewhere, right?

“Phoenix… Papa’s so sorry.” His voice was a whisper. “For saying I didn’t want you. For actually considering giving you away…” Erik’s throat tightened. “I just wanted you to be happy, buddy. And I didn’t think Mama or I were gonna be able to give that to you.”

As expected, the little boy just continued smiling up at him.

“And maybe I was right.” Erik went on. “Maybe we can’t give you what you deserve. But I swear to God, I’m gonna try, okay? I promise.” He pressed his lips against Phoenix’s forehead for a moment. And to think I almost let myself miss out on this…

With a bit of reluctance, Erik placed his son back into his crib. It was already nearly ten o’clock, and he needed to be at the rehab center by eleven. It always felt so awkward being in Harper’s parents’ house, but it was more than worth it to get to spend some time with his son. Saying goodbye was never easy.

“Papa will see you soon. Be a good boy, okay?” He ran his fingers slowly down his son’s cheek as he spoke. “I love you.”

As though on cue, Erik heard someone clear their throat behind him. He glanced up to find Harper’s grandmother by the doorway. How long had she been standing there?

“Time for the changing of the guard.” She teased softly.

He returned her smile nervously. He’d grown so accustomed to Hope being the one who checked on Phoenix whenever he left… And she rarely said much to him, aside from a curt hello.

“I just gave him a bottle a few minutes ago.” Erik told her. “So he should be all set for a while.”

The old woman nodded, then crossed over to the armchair by the window. “Thank you.” Jocelyne smiled. “I’ll probably just sit with him for a few minutes until he falls asleep.”

He nodded, not quite sure how to respond. “Um, well, I, uh… I guess I’ll see you around.” Erik muttered as he headed for the door.

“Erik?” Her voice called out to him as his hand was on the doorknob.

He turned around uncertainly. Oh God… What is it?

“I’ve been wanting to tell you… You look really good.” She said seriously.

He felt his cheeks redden slightly at her words. “Oh, um… Thanks. It hasn’t been easy, but… I’m trying.” He added with a shrug.

“Well, it shows.” Jocelyne replied kindly. “I’m really proud of you.”

Erik was surprised at how much his heart swelled at her words. This old woman he barely knew — who had every right in the world to hate him — was proud of him? Even his own mother hadn’t told him that. She’d barely spoken to him since he’d gone back to rehab.

“That’s very sweet of you to say.” He replied at last. “And, um… for what it’s worth… I’m really, really sorry.” The words spilled from his lips before he even realized what he was saying. Last night’s therapy session had definitely stuck with him, it seemed. “For, well… everything. You never deserved any of that. And I know none if it ever would have happened if it wasn’t for me. And I just… I just wanted you to know I regret it. All of it.”

“I know.” She assured him gently. “Thank you.”

Erik bowed his head as he made his way down the stairs and toward the front door, hoping he could do so unnoticed. Mercifully, Harper’s parents tried their best to ignore him when he came over to visit Phoenix. It was just too painful and awkward — for all of them. Still, he appreciated that they trusted him enough to spend some time alone with his son. That was enough for him.

As he crossed through the front entry hall, Erik felt something large and soft bumping against his legs. He looked down, smiling softly. “Hey, boy.” Erik crouched to the floor and gave Tomato a scratch behind the ears. “You help take care of Phoenix for me, okay?”

The shaggy red dog barked happily in reply, wagging his long tail.

“Shhh… Tomato, calm down!” A deep voice called from the kitchen.

Shit. Erik rose quickly to his feet, just in time to see Harper’s father cross over the threshold.

The older man stared at him for a moment. “Oh. Erik.” Zayne’s voice was curt and cold. “I didn’t think you were still here.”

“Just leaving.” He replied uncomfortably. It was difficult to meet Zayne’s hard stare. “Your Mama — er, um… Tante — is up there with Phoenix.”

He nodded in reply, but said nothing.

Erik bit his lip. It was rare for him to be face to face with Harper’s father like this. And there was so much he wanted to say. So many things he wanted to apologize for, just like he had to Jocelyne… But somehow, it all felt so much harder to say this time.

“Look, Mr. Rosebrook…” Erik mumbled. He wasn’t even quite sure what he was going to say… But he had to say something, didn’t he? “I just… Um… I wanted to thank you. You and your wife. For taking care of Phoenix.” He continued awkwardly. “And I know you hate me. I don’t blame you for that. But… Please, just… Just know that I’m trying, okay? I really, really am.”

There was a beat of silence. Then, for one fleeting moment, Zayne almost smiled. “I know you are.” He replied softly. “I can see that… I just wish you’d decided to start trying a lot sooner.”

“Yeah.” Erik agreed softly. “Me too.”

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So many Author’s notes lately… sorry hahaha. Wanted to let you guys know that I’ve finally decided to share some of my poses 🙂 I made a Pose Page where I will be sharing select poses that I make for my story. Feel free to download them and use them for yourself ❤