Chris Illuminati is awesome. He’s an author, a blogger, a stand-up comic, and a pop culture commentator. He runs the site Message with a Bottle where he shares the weird and wonderful post-it notes he leaves around the house as a new dad. This April, he’s releasing a brand new book that is required for any new parent. The New Dad Dictionary is a combination of desk top reference guide to some of the more esoteric parenting terms as well as a collection of hilarious insight into the world of being a dad.

I caught up with Chris to see how things were going as a new papa and as an expecting book parent.

How scared were you becoming a dad?

I’m not sure scared is the correct word to use when discussing the arrival of your offspring. I’m scared to be alone in elevators. I’m scared one day my ear hair will be a sufficient combover for the thinning follicles atop my head. I wasn’t scared of my unborn son. I’m scared of him now though but that’s an answer for another time.

I was nervous. As nervous as a man should be about an event THAT WILL CHANGE HIS LIFE FOREVER.

Are kids really as gross as everyone expects?

Kids are pretty gross. Not a day goes by that I don’t say aloud “don’t put that in your mouth!” or “get that out of that orifice” and sometimes “don’t you dare stick that into that orifice after it’s been in the other!” Maybe they’d listen if I didn’t use such an advanced word.

Here’s a shocking super power parents develop in regards to gross things — if it’s coming from, hanging off or created by your child, you’re impervious to it’s ability to cause vomiting. I could clean up a bathtub fool of stool (and have, on numerous occasions) without flinching. If I walked into a random bathroom with crap in the bathtub I’d probably heave on the spot. Then I’d register a lengthy complaint on Yelp! because what the hell kind of Marriott is this?!?!

What was the one piece of parenting advice you got that was supremely useful?

“You’ll see.” It was said by several different parents, right after a dumb proclamation on my part like “my child will never eat fast food” or “my child will stick to a strict schedule.” Yup. I saw.

Will your child be raised with the Star Wars prequels or is this strictly and original trilogy household? (The right answer is the prequels don’t exist.)

My kid owns Darth Vader sneakers that light up and breath like Lord Vader. They’re bad as sh*t. My kid is attracted to bad guys. He likes Vader, loves Venom and the bad guys constantly win when we’re playing with his action figures. I just don’t think I can let him find out Vader dies. As much as I hate the prequels. Well. I’ll see.

When is the proper age to start introducing comic books?

My kid already loves comics. He loves going to the comic book store. I taught him at an early age, probably around age 2. Here’s the problem — he’s attracted to the goriest covers in the shop. Thank god he can’t see the higher shelves.

And he’s already a Marvel kid. He knows more Marvel characters than I do. He about to turn five and can name The Sinister Six, knowns all the origin stories and said “oh, look, The Punisher” during an episode of Super Hero Squad without anyone telling him who the hell it was. The Punisher!!!

When writing the book, what were some of the most interesting terms you came across?

To this day, ferberization makes me laugh. The Ferber Method is the idea of letting a child cry himself to sleep in the crib instead of going in and out all night to soothe. It’s a self-soothing technique, also known as the “cry it out method.” It makes me laugh for two reasons. First, it’s great in theory but almost impossible in practice. You’ll let the kid cry, but eventually, you’ll crack and go in his room to calm him down.

Second, it sounds more like an automotive process than a child-rearing process. It sounds like an upgrade you’d get with a new car. “Want a moon roof? Great. Want us to ferberize your tires? Will do.”

The Dadfinitions are hilarious. How much were they drawn from your personal experience?

Many were pulled from things people have said, a couple were coined by friends who said “take them and pretend I didn’t create them” and a few were just odd thoughts that popped into my head in the middle of crisis moments. Great humor comes from great anguish.

Any advice for new dads?

First, buy my book! Second, just stay calm. Above all else, stay calm. Losing your mind, temper, sanity never helps the situation. No father has ever said “Well that all turned out OK, thank god I freaked the f*ck out!” Step back, take a deep breath, and this too shall pass.