Dear Ryan,

Thank you for giving the world so many gifts, such as your abs, your shoulders, your hair, your eyes, and your smile, for starters. Oh, and you also won 11 Olympic medals for the good old US of A in last summer’s Olympics by being really good at that swimming thing you moonlight in, so thanks for those, too. America, fuck yeah. Or should I say, America, fuck jeah. Either way, you have been the golden boy of the greatest country on Earth since you looked hotter than Michael Phelps in a Speedo, and you literally breaststroked your way into the hearts and sexual fantasies of every female in America after last summer’s Olympics. Trust me, Ryan, after I saw you swim in that “relay” concept in London, the medal podium wasn’t the only thing you left wet.

Anyway, after a few interviews, people starting getting this sneaking suspicion you were best seen and not heard, and you decided to confirm this for all of us by starring in your own reality show on E! titled What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Among the things you do in the series, utilizing any sort of comprehensive skill is not one of them. Why, Ryan, why? You are so hot. You are so…talented. Why are you openly admitting to the world that you might be mentally disabled?

In the season premier, you took viewers on a rollercoaster journey that chronicled your day-to-day life. What did I take away from it all? YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED. I literally think you are mentally handicapped. I’m unclear as to how you graduated from college, because I used to tutor kids who were struggling to learn the alphabet who are smarter than you are. You started off your show by showcasing your pride and joy: your customized sneakers. Not only were they hideous, but you also insisted they were going to make the “Ryan Lochte” brand a household name. Worst of all? You couldn’t even explain what the “Ryan Lochte” brand was. Good luck with that business concept. I have an EXTENSIVE knowledge of business (extensive meaning I made out with a LOT of business majors in undergrad), and if you can’t even define your brand, you’re pretty much dooming your business from the start. Moving on.

Even though you were unable to define your brand, or the word “douchebag,” or remember exactly how many medals you won in the London Olympics, you were able to bless us all with a new word for our vocabularies…

Lochterage: “A group of people dedicated to keeping it turned up.” I’m not entirely clear on what “turned up” implies, but I’m guessing that will come in next week’s vocab lesson, seeing as how you were wearing a T-shirt with the phrase written on it.

Also, for someone who considers himself a fashion guru, I would like to point out that wearing camo-print cargo shorts, a t-shirt, crew socks and Converse DO NOT an ensemble make. Ryan, you and I know that your best outfits involve a Speedo, or nothing at all. You’re doing the world a disservice by trying to hide your body. You’re also doing the world a disservice by opening your mouth, but that’s neither here nor there.

You spent the entire first episode whining about how you’re looking for a soulmate. Ryan, I get it, being single sucks. I used to get wine drunk and harass this boy I had a crush on for hours on end until he became my boyfriend. Life is rough sometimes, but you get through it. As an expert in the dating field, I will let you in on a little piece of advice: if a soulmate is what you seek, you’re going about finding one in the entirely wrong way. Get your shit together. You’re a 28-year-old Olympic gold medalist who has set four world records. You’re also living in your college town, frequenting college bars (and drinking BLUE Long Islands). If you continue to date slutty undergrads, you’re not going to have much luck in the “wife material” department, and that is coming from a former slutty undergrad. Also, Mr. Lochte, your entire perspective on dating needs to be revised. You openly stated you take EVERY GIRL to the same restaurant. Actually, your words were: “It might be the same table, but it’s a different girl.” Charming.

I’ve concluded there are only two legitimate reasons for your difficulty in finding a girlfriend:

1) Nobody can maintain focus on your abs for long enough to put up with you or

2) You’re actually gay.

I wouldn’t be surprised if after a few blue LIT’s your latent homosexual tendencies became blatant. After all, you were REALLY fucking excited about the game of touch football you played at the beginning of the episode where you DEMANDED the guys play “skins.” So there’s that.

Ryan, listen, I’m really excited that you’re doing big things with yourself. However, it’s evident you’re too stupid to realize you have a tremendous athletic talent which will more than likely go to waste if you continue to go out and party the way you do. Jesus fuck, everybody worried about Michael Phelps and all he did was smoke a little weed.

All of this being said, I still think you’re hot as hell, and after watching last night’s show, I was tempted to drive to Gainesville and let you penetrate me. Your show was MUCH more pleasurable the second time around, Ryan. I actually think What Would Ryan Lochte Do? is a great show…to watch on mute, with a bottle of wine, and a fresh pack of batteries. Jeah.

Love,

Pearls xo

Image via Associated Press