16 August, 2015. 13:01

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A spokesman for Immigration Minister Peter Dutton says claims that asylum seekers at Nauru detention centre were water-boarded were “down right incorrect” and “false”.

The government has explained that the guard at the centre of the waterboarding allegations got his aquatic-boardsport terminology mixed up.

In a report published by the Abbott Government earlier this week, sources on Nauru said that children from the detention centre were given wakeboarding lessons during their stay on the island – some were forced to take part, even when they told instructors they couldn’t swim.

Speaking today from his North Brisbane home, Peter Dutton said that the children were wakeboarded because it would help them assimilate.

“These refugees, should they prove to be genuine ones, will one day have to assimilate fully into the Australian way of life,” said Dutton.

“We wakeboarded those children because the areas we’re planning to settle these people has a higher-than-average concentration of high-income-earning-working-class. Or as the Greens call them, cashed up bogans. Every Australian knows that the cashed up bogan loves to wakeboard so we only thought it natural do give these Afghani kids a fighting chance at being normal,”

“If only they knew what we are trying to do for them.”

Opposition leader Bill Shorten surprisingly broke his silence on the immigration issue this morning, saying that it was a “rampant injustice that these refugees were not forced to have motocross lessons, in addition to the wakeboarding”.

He said that some of these refugee families could be settled in a regional area, far away from any wakeboardable water body.

“Refugees should be made to learn how to ride a motorbike, just in case they end up in the bush,” he said.

“And not a four-wheeled one either. A real one. If Labor is elected next year, I promise to set aside $24m to buy motorbikes for refugees. We aren’t afraid to spend money on dumb shit, either,”

“I’m committed to seeing cashed up bogans in the bush be treated the same as their city cousins. And refugees.” he said.

A private security firm has been tasked with running the Nauru Regional Processing Centre since 2012, with most of their current staff coming from a strong cashed up bogan background.

Security consultant and Nauru HR manager Kane Karter-Knowles says that the multi-national security firm likes to hire Australians from communities where refugees would likely end up if their asylum claims are verified as genuine.

“We like to hire from iconic Australian localities like the Central Coast in NSW and the Sunshine Coast in the tropical state,” he said.

“That way, these refugees get to experience what life would be like in a community such as the Central Coast – before they actually arrived there,”

“Just read the news articles and NGO reports, you’ll find that I’m not lying.”