What’s that you say Jon? HA! You’re a….a….a…..VIRGIN???

Well, random anonymous speaker, I’m glad you asked.

Indeed I am a member of the young and the sexless. But in a society where you must be a total weirdo to be an 18 year old, budding, male part of the university experience and still not have gotten laid, you must be wondering why I’m announcing this to the world?

Well…Let me shoot straight with ya here. I’m not abstaining because God says I’m supposed to. I’m pretty rebellious by nature, and I always look for a reason beyond his mere saying so. So cross that out as a reason.

The only other option you must think…Is that I wear anti-female cologne, am painfully ugly, and have roughly the social skills of a blood blister, and as such, I have obviously never had the opportunity to indulge in the forbidden fruit.

Well friend, while I might be all of those things, I certainly have had the opportunities. I personally think I’m goofy as all get out, and I can’t wrap my head around a female’s attraction to me sexually…But I’ve had a lot of chances to lose the shackles of NoPlay County, population Jon. Goodness…The amount of classless encounters I could have taken up would make a sailor blush.

Ok…Now I’m kinda getting ahead of myself. I’m not Richard Gere and Ryan Gosling’s lovechild, but the point is, I could have had sex by now. Could have, being key.

Now, as any good friend of mine would vocalize to me, I’m sure the thought lingers in your head that I must be a giant pansy to turn down the lustful advances of the opposite sex (and in some cases…the same. I know. Once you’re a catch, you’re a catch, I guess). But no, although I’m afraid of heights and have been in one short lived fight my entire life, being a wuss isn’t really the reason either.

You see…When I was about 14 years old, I was looking dead into the face of a text message from a girl who was looking for some midnight scandalousness (Is that a word? Well, it should be). And I gotta be honest, had I had the ability to go to her house, I would’ve been there faster than a fat girl after a twinkie. But I didn’t have the ability, and as a result I wasn’t able to partake in what inevitably would’ve been an awkward night of feeling up each other’s unfamiliar anatomy.

Did I have the same mindset then as I did now? NOPE. For months on end I was trying my absolute hardest to milk a small, christian, private school for what it was worth in terms of hooking up. Every time though, it backfired thanks to a mixture of fear of my mother’s wrath (see Adam Sandler’s “Waterboy” for my mother’s stance on women) and my inability to both find a girl willing to be bad with me and a place in which to be bad.

It was during this time I had a conversation with a great friend and mentor of mine to this day. He told me that he wished he could take back the promiscuity of the past so that he could really cherish the relationship he had with his significant other. It took a long time for this to register with me.

It was after a few sexual exploits in my not so glorious years of high school make out sessions that I finally realized…Hook ups are nothing special. Every single time it was over, I felt no better about myself than the last time. Then it dawned on me…Why would sex be any different?

After having a conversation around Sophomore year with a good friend of mine, I realized that I was a “relationship guy.” Whatever that meant. I was frustrated with that comment for a long time. I didn’t want be some limp wristed idiot who let girls walk over them. But I didn’t realize I didn’t HAVE to be that way to still be a good, solid guy with a moral foundation that brings him true satisfaction. Let me clarify…

There’s a difference between being the annoying dude who cries over girls and makes every tweet or facebook status a sob story from a T Swift song. No…You can still be the guy who will care for a girl in a committed and fulfilling relationship, while still maintaining the self respect and independence to understand that life will go on without her. This model of a man I now seek to exemplify does not find any pleasure lasting longer than 10 minutes in one night stands. Instead, he’s fine with being a “relationship guy,” because he knows that that is going to be WAY more fulfilling in the long haul. Whoring myself out is just gonna make me feel trashy. SO. What’s the bottom line Jon…Spit it out.

I guess if I had to sum up what I’m saying, it’s this–One day I want to settle down with a woman or young lady who I feel an extreme affection for. And when I do…I don’t want to unravel a scroll of classless tramps who I’ve bumped uglies with. Why? Because I don’t want her to do the same. How much more awesome would a loving relationship be if you could look at her in the eyes, tell her she’s one in a million, and actually be able to back it up? To know that when you’re at your absolute most intimate moment with her, that she hasn’t shared that moment with thirty other guys that she may or may not be comparing you to? No…Being a virgin at this point doesn’t mean I’m a square (nobody really says that anymore…oh well, deal with it…#virginlingo), it means I haven’t found the right one yet. And no, wanting an intimate relationship that I can cherish doesn’t mean I lack testosterone…It means I’m principled.

Word.