THE FIVER'S CAMPAIGN TO STOP FOOTBALL (REPRISE)

The Fiver is tired, and not just because of all those Temazepam butties Granny Fiver insists we put in our lunchbox every day. We're tired of football and, after last night's El Fiasco, it's time for the world to STOP FOOTBALL. Let's be honest. Football is – and after years of mirror-bothering, we're an expert on this subject - a complete embarrassment, a whirligig of snidery from top to bottom.

If football was taken to the vet, it would be put down. If football was an HBO show, it would be decommissioned. If football went into an Edinburgh pub, it would be Begbied to within an inch of its life. If football had even a smidgin of self-awareness and self-respect, it'd be buying a one-way ticket to Switzerland. Football is the childhood sweetheart that has turned into an avaricious, disingenuous, self-obsessed state. FOOTBALL must be STOPPED.

Last year's World Cup final was the most depressing event in the history of mankind, with the possible exception of every single minute of every single episode of The Word, and last night's match wasn't far off. It was so bad that, for a fraught millisecond, we even considered thinking about whether it might be worth watching Masterchef. For the love of Dave Mackay, can somebody please STOP FOOTBALL. If we wanted to watch grown men behaving like bairns, we'd arrange a Fiver family reunion. And it will only get worse. There is more chance of seeing Lord Lucan, Shergar and Richey Edwards supping a pint in the Fiver's local, The Slow and Lonely Death, than there is of finding football's dignity.

Jose Mourinho has very little dignity, of course, but at least he is charismatic and entertaining. Some of his facial expressions last night were the best acting we've seen since we watched that really profound foreign film that we didn't actually understand but don't tell anyone because what about the mise-en-scene! When Pepe was sent off, the seventh time one of Mourinho's players has taken an early shower against Barcelona's shower of whingers, his phizog portrayed everything from confusion to dumb animal hurt to sympathy for the officials.

Mourinho later hinted that something sinister was going on, observations for which he will probably be slung in the doghouse. "There will be an extraordinary meeting of the board to discuss the action to be taken after the events of the Bernabeu," warbled a Barcelona statement. "After the game, Jose Mourinho harshly criticised referee Wolfgang Stark and suggested Barcelona receive favourable treatment. The legal services of FC Barcelona are considering reporting the Real Madrid coach to the Disciplinary Commission of Uefa."

When these teams meet again next Tuesday, we may well see an extra laundry basket. We'll certainly see more of football's dirty linen aired in public. Unless, between now and then, somebody does the decent thing and decides to STOP FOOTBALL.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The toddler's favourite position has not yet been determined. However, we can speak of a right-footed player with a very good kicking technique, perseverance and good football genes" - Dutch side VVV Venlo explain the logic behind their decision to offer a 10-year professional contract to Baerke van der Meij, who is 18 months old and, by the sound of things, already in possession of more-footedness than Manchester United midfielder Darron Gibson.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Following Sepp Blatter's letter to him praising his passionate commitment to football (yesterday's bits and bobs), you'd think Prince William must surely be tempted to reply praising Sepp's passionate commitment to meaningless, overblown ceremonies which result in somebody getting royally shaf[Snip - Fiver Nicholas Witchell Ed]" - Andrew Geddes.

"We need to be careful with the name 'Her Majesty's Royal Celtic' (yesterday's Fiver letters). Its acronym (HMRC) may cause confusion. One is an organisation that takes far too much money from its patrons, gives out far more than it takes in and employs a super wealthy elite who waltz around like there is nothing wrong with the economy. The other is ... Oh" - Alec Cochrane.

"Re: David Sneddon leaving his wife to take up with a 17-year-old (yesterday's quote of the day). At least he stopped living the lie" - Mitchell Stirling (and one other reader that remembers Fame Academy series one).

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

Andy Carroll remains a knack doubt for Liverpool's match against Newcastle this weekend, although he was fit enough to travel to Madrid with some fellow footballers yesterday, prompting the Daily Heil to write a hysterical article about the fact that he drank - deep breath - a whole glass of beer.

Aston Villa are expecting Ged Houllier to leave hospital in the next 24 hours in the wake of his recent ticker-trouble, but the Frenchman is unlikely to return to the dug-out before next season, if at all.

Having grown accustomed to the comfort of the high density single piece moulded foam seats fitted in most Premier League dugouts, Shay Given has announced he wants to stay at Manchester City. "I don't know what the future holds and whether I will be here or not," toora-loo-ed the Irishman. "I would love to be part of it but time will tell."

Winning the FA Cup with Wimbledon was Andy Thorn's career highlight before his appointment as Coventry City's new manager today.

Winning the FA Cup with Wimbledon remains Andy Thorn's career highlight since his appointment as Coventry City's new manager today.

Thierry Henry and his fellow New York Red Bulls have been confirmed in the line-up for the Emirates Cup on 30-31 July. Paris St Germain and Boca Juniors will also join Arsenal in the series of meaningless friendlies you'll watch anyway because at that time of year it's marginally better than nothing.

And having marched Swindon Town out of League One, albeit into League Two, Paul Hart has left the Robins and will be replaced until the end of the season by reserve team coach and he of that penalty, Paul Bodin.

STILL WANT MORE?

Paul Doyle writes in praise of the Premier League's Scottish fitba managers and works the words "whence" and "lubency" into the same sentence. Chapeau!

The Spanish media reaction to last night's Big Cup stramash was predictably handwringing and hysterical. You wouldn't get that kind of nonsense from the English media. Oh no!

Paul Hayward writes what nearly everyone else is thinking about last night's clasico, except more eloquently. That's why he gets the big bucks.

And after recording today's Football Weekly … Extra, Raphael Honigstein shook his head, blew out his cheeks and asked: "Was that the worst podcast ever?" Barry Glendenning gazed into the middle distance, thought for a while and said "No ... I don't think so." Decide for yourself here.

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ROYAL WEDDING, YOU SAY? ENJOY THE LONG WEEKEND AND SEE YOU ON TUESDAY