“I’m super stoked about it though,” said Brody Festertester, a blue belt at the Davidoff Lights Dojo in Boise, Idaho, who can only remember a single technique from a recent seminar.

“I did a seminar with someone or other… Andre… Oliveira… Estima… I think? A Brazilian guy. Very dark skin. He’s like 8 time world champion or something. Lovely accent.”

The seminar in question cost $350, and was due to run from 2pm until 5pm, although the instructor turned up 35 minutes late.

“Is normal,” Andre Oliveira Estima is quoted as saying.

“The one technique I remember is this De La River sweep from lapel guard. It’s where you go upside down, get the lapel, insert your leg behind his knee, and grab the… uh… It’s the one with the hooks… and then sweep. I fucking love it.”

Festertester, however, feels he got value for money from the seminar.

“Totally. Not only did I get this awesome sweep, but there were loads of stories about the good old times in Brazil. Loads of stories. I mean like… 20 stories. About two hours worth of stories. They just never stopped, they just kept on going and going. It was super great. Kinda long though. But still… awesome. Osssssss!”