Late-night hosts discussed the close call between the US and Iran late last week as well as what the decision says about the president

Late-night hosts focused on the near act of aggression against Iran by the United States and whether or not Trump’s apparent change of heart was real or just another sign of his inadequacy.

Seth Meyers: ‘Every day with this guy is like Fight Club’

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“Well, it’s been a rollercoaster few days with our split personality president creating a bunch of problems and then turning around and claiming he solved them. Every day with this guy is like Fight Club,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night. “It’s almost like he saw the polls and instead of running against the Democrats in 2020, he decided to run against himself.”

When the press asked Trump what he planned to do about Iran, Trump replied, “You’ll find out.” Meyers scoffed: “You’re talking about a massive war that would destabilize the Middle East. You can’t talk about it like you’re hosting Dateline.”

After Iran shot down an unmanned drone, the atmosphere was tense and Trump had apparently ordered an attack on the country but called it off 10 or 15 minutes before it was to be carried out, after being told the strike would cause 150 deaths. But many people have noted this is unusual because news of human casualties is presented near the beginning of the briefing, making it possible that Trump had not been paying attention. “If you really want Donald Trump to pay attention to a briefing, you got to write it somewhere he’s going to look, like a mirror.”

Meyers summarized the news surrounding Trump for his audience: “In the last few days, we’ve seen the president take us to the brink of war with Iran, threaten to inflict more cruelty on migrant families, all while being accused of a horrific sexual assault. The question now is what more will it take to impeach this guy?”

Stephen Colbert: ‘Quicker than Domino’s can deliver a pizza’

“I had a fantastic weekend and I will tell you why: I did not read the news because it has been a touch on the dark side,” Stephen Colbert said on the Late Show. In his opening monologue, he discussed Trump’s change of mind on attacking Iran. “Nobody knew what President Trump was going to do, including President Trump.

“So we were poised to start a war with Iran but Donald Trump did the right thi-” said Colbert, as he gagged. “Sorry, I’m just not used to saying that sort of thing.”

But, the host continued: “Point is, this is the first thing Trump ordered that he did not finish.”

Additionally, Trump authorized Ice to go into major cities and round up undocumented families. But he also called this off as the House speaker, Nancy Pelosi, apparently told Trump he was scaring the children of America. “And the adults aren’t doing too well either!” Colbert exclaimed. But Trump said this was only a delay to allow time for Democrats to agree a solution. “So his shred of human decency has an expiration date.” Trump claimed he could broker a deal with Democrats about immigration in about 15 minutes. “Yes, despite years of disagreement on our immigration laws, Trump is promising to fix the border quicker than Domino’s can deliver a pizza.”

Trevor Noah: ‘Middle East tensions have ramped up bigly’

The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) The U.S. comes close to war with Iran (thanks to Trump) but narrowly avoids it (also thanks to Trump). pic.twitter.com/cy3968iSfo

“Over the past week, tensions in the Middle East have ramped up bigly, after Iran shot down an unmanned American sky dildo,” started Trevor Noah of the Daily Show. But the United States pulled back. “The point is, we are at peace, thanks to and in spite of President Trump.”

In considering a military response, the president would typically be presented with a list of targets and possible casualties. Noah derided this approach, saying it just wouldn’t work for Trump. “They give the president a menu of options and then he picks what he would like to do. And I think that’s where this all fell apart. You see, this isn’t a guy that uses menus. It looks too much like a book. This is a guy who points at pictures and asks for numbers. That’s who this is.”

John Bolton and Mike Pompeo were eager to bomb Iran but Mike Pence apparently supported both options of peace and war. “I’ve got to say, the last thing I expected to hear about Mike Pence is that he swings both ways.”

But despite his tough talk and hawkish advisers, Trump says he’s open to talks with Iran about the nuclear deal. “Feels like the truth is, he just doesn’t want Obama’s nuclear deal. So Iran, here’s all you need to do: take the nuclear deal you already had, replace Obama with Trump, turn the whole thing gold for no reason, and most importantly, don’t forget to use pictures. It makes it easy for him to decide.”