Everyone who follows any enlightened news source knows what the number one priority in America is right now: climate change. We all can see that Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is in charge of climate science in Congress, as the older “legacy” congresspersons have yielded the power to define what America must do for the next ten years to Ocasio-Cortez, affectionately known to all of us as “AOC”. Luckily for all of us, her main concern, like all of ours, is the Green New Deal, which makes it an obvious win-win for all concerned.

AOC released some details of the Green New Deal on her website this week, which was met with overwhelming applause from nearly everyone. Some negative critics pounced on some typos in the plan, like usual.

Some hecklers got all bunched up over the language that people unwilling to work will get a living wage with all of the extra money this plan will generate. This is an investment, not a cost. What we meant to say was ‘people who are not inclined to work’, obviously. If people want to criticize every literal word we say, go ahead, but this is morally right, which is all that matters

We have all been waiting for details, like when we will be able to turn our harmful personal vehicles over to the government. Well, we don’t need to hold our breath any longer! Here is the year by year plan for when we can surrender our vehicles, cows and other carbon footprint items that are causing the extreme heat we have all felt for the past few weeks:

Green New Deal Surrender Schedule:

2020: Pickup Trucks. These will be the first vehicles to be surrendered to the government. These create lots of carbon, and many are driven by Trump supporters. It is anticipated that the pickup truck owners will complain, but they will comply. We want these eliminated before the next presidential election, as they are not driven by progressives. “These are the same people who will put up the biggest stink when we have the gun take-back in 2021 after the election, ” explained Nikki Pierce-Clooney, a member of the Green New Deal Think Tank.

Other 2020 highlights: the following other carbon producing items will be banned and confiscated in 2020: Gas grills, flatulent cows, port-a-potties, gun ranges.

2021: SUVs. These too leave large carbon footprints that are literally visible to the naked eye. These vehicles primarily transport larger families. Larger families produce more carbon. Carbon is bad. Larger families are to be phased out as part of the Green New Deal. “SUVs are driven by the real breeders. They never get abortions. As crazy as this sounds, these are the types that think their kids are more important than being carbon-neutral. They can keep making children, but they won’t be able to drive them anywhere.” continued Pierce-Clooney, a latinx pansexual person of color.

Also to be phased out in 2021: firewood, charcoal, fish tanks, flatulent dogs and cats, and paint. Toilet paper will be rationed to insure people are not going to the bathroom any more than is absolutely necessary.

2022: Any remaining vehicles capable of driving greater than 55 miles per hour. “The NASCAR type aggressive drivers won’t like this either, but if you are not driving a Prius or a moped by 2022, you won’t be driving anything!”, laughed Pierre-Clooney.

And this is just the car take-back! 2021 will also see the government take-back of all guns capable of firing anything. “Australia did this right; no one needs a gun except the Demokratik Socialist Polizei (the DSP), who will enforce the Green New Deal once it becomes law”, noted Josef Geauxbelles, Democratic Socialist Information Minister.

“Every one knows zis is literally, like, our World War II.” beamed Geauxbelles. “And compliance means victory”.

Stay tuned to NPC Daily for more exciting updates on the Green New Deal.