Whether it’s criminals in need of cover, a politician (see previous), or somebody who needs the affirmation of the citizenry (see both previous), there is no more certain way to find refuge than by telling the believers that you love Jesus more than anybody else. As my father always said, nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.

Rich Perry has a new ad out.

In seven years of political and secular activism, entrenched amongst the most insipid ideas bouncing about society, I have never encountered anything that even approaches the stupidity of this 31 second clip. In it he manages to attack gay soldiers, promise to fight for rights people already have (and which are being contested by nobody), and accuse Obama of waging a war on Christianity.

This guy lacks anything resembling a clue. But, hey – if you have no qualifications to be president and are sinking fast in the polling, what better way to appeal to the ignorant for a vote?

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian

You’re not ashamed to identify yourself with the vast majority of Americans in a nationwide popularity contest? Well aren’t you just bold as all hell?

Next you’ll really push the boundaries of societal acceptability and tell us all how you’re unashamed to admit you like puppies.

…there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military…

Yes, some people are just too gay to die for their country. And our straight soldiers? They may be forced into nightmarish conditions away from their families to watch their fellow troops die, to choke through sand as IEDs explode and as bullets whiz all around them, but Mr. Perry thinks they are too fragile to be able to handle their duties with a homosexual in their unit. What an asshole.

…our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

Yes, yes they can. Or, did you mean that the school can’t force everybody to pray? Yeah, they can’t do that, but kids can pray til they’re blue in the face.

So here we have a guy who swears he’s going to fix something that isn’t even happening while assuring us he’s more informed than the general populace on what’s going on with the government. Can’t wait to see what happens if he gets elected. Perhaps he’ll fight for our right to eat pizza or to go on walks. Way to throw that twelve gallon hat on your two gallon head, tighten your spurs, saddle up and fight the fascists, Rick!

As President, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion.

He’s going to end a Christian’s war on religion. After that he can go after Michelle Obama’s war on women.

And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage.

What the hell does that even mean? More Christian nation bullshit? He’s already insulted gay soldiers (he’s also insulted the intelligence of anybody he thinks can swallow this ad without vomiting), why not insult the founding fathers too? Do you really think they were so stupid that they wanted to put Jesus, the bible, and god into the Constitution but just failed/forgot to do it? Not even the most brain dead Republican alive today would make that faux pas. It’d be front and center John Hancock-style with RANDOMLY CAPITALIZED words. Give me a break.

Faith made America strong.

Faith contributed to the defense of the institution of slavery and prolonged it, resulting in a civil war. It was wielded to oppose women’s suffrage. It was similarly the prime factor in the opposition to civil rights, and its stink still taints the most fervent of political Christians in the tea party. How about on 9/11? How did faith do at making us strong then? The list of ways that the deeply faithful have had to be dragged into modernity kicking and screaming is long. The list of ways it hinders us to this day stretches from anti-science to dumping inordinate amounts of money into buildings that are functionally and effectively derelict (churches). Uncle Sam’s been dragging around the ankle weight of faith for 235 years, and it’s cost us in the race for development. It has been as good for the progress of America as it was for ending droughts in Texas.

A friend of mine, Kim Long, put it perfectly:

You know there’s something wrong with America when willfully obtuse lackwits with bald-faced theocratic aspirations campaigning on demonstrable falsehoods can be legitimate candidates for the highest office in the nation, while those who publicly admit to suspending belief in absurdities or drawing reasoned conclusions about objective reality based on available evidence are among the very last people who would ever be granted eligibility for that office.

I’m JT Eberhard, and I approve that message.

You want proof that religion makes people dumber? No sensible person would think this guy has the competence to serve them french fries, but there will be people who are going to lap up this slop like pigs at a trough and they will all be screaming how Jesus has transformed them the entire time.