‘So Long, You Chumps!’ Says Divine Creator


THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!” said the Supreme Being, who was spotted peeling out of the Universe in his 1986 Chevrolet Camaro while fanning the sum of small bills and shaking his head at how simple the whole con job was. “Best part of all this? None of you stupid motherfuckers even saw it coming. Spend a few billion years crafting the Universe and tending to all of creation, earn your trust with a sunset here and a rainbow there, and by and by I make off like a goddamn bandit with that sweet, sweet green. Easy money, baby. Easy money.” At press time, God had been spotted in the outer regions of the cosmos after creating a second universe and spending much of his cash on gas, lap dances, and Jim Beam.