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I want a scientific guide to how I should sleep. I also want that guide handed to me. It should be an easy research project for the experts, right? Unlike parkour or texting while driving, sleep is not a new skill. We've been doing it for thousands of years, on and off. So I should be a few Google keystrokes away from knowing I need eight solid hours a night, or that I ought to join the polyphasic community, or that I can use 1 SIMPLE SLEEP TRICK THAT MAKES SLEEP-TRAINERS HATE HIM.

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The more I dig into sleep research, I'm finding that we seem to know much less than I would have guessed about what the human body needs every night. If you've read the De-Textbook ... well, first of all, congrats on the wealth and happiness pouring into your life daily. Second, you know that hundreds of years ago our electricity-deprived ancestors slept in smaller chunks of time, instead of an unbroken night of slumber. And, sure, our prehistoric ancestors didn't Fitbit their sleep goals. But we think they got a longer and earlier night's rest than we do, because scientists forced test subjects to live in Stone Age conditions, because sometimes science is pranks.