The crack team of UK negotiators lined up for a group photo. Nigel Farage, Richard Tice, Claire Fox, Ann Widdecombe, Annunziata Rees-Mogg and the other 24 new Brexit party MEPs sticking it to the man in the er … imposing establishment surroundings of Carlton House Terrace in the heart of Westminster. But hey, even the men and women of the people need a little down time away from the people they now represent. A chance to chill out and celebrate their success.

These were the names who would strike terror into the Brussels elite. “So Monsieur so-called Barnier, we are fed up with you humiliating our country,” they planned to say in unison. “What we demand is that we leave the EU on 31 October on World Trade Organization terms. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Um … OK,” Barnier would then reply. “If that’s what you want, then be our guest.”

“But you don’t understand. We are here to negotiate a no-deal Brexit. So we want to do some negotiations.”

“I see. But the whole point of a no deal is that it doesn’t require a negotiation.”

“We don’t care. We are the crack team of negotiators. So can we negotiate not having a negotiation?”

Repeat until everyone dies a little more inside. The Brexit party may have the excuse of only being seven weeks old, but you might have thought even they would have thought this one through.

The afternoon after the night before. The Tories had mysteriously chosen not to celebrate their support almost reaching double figures. Instead, Theresa May had posted a desultory tweet about the results being a bit disappointing – since Friday she had better things to do with her life rather than defend her failures – while the nine MPs who had declared their intention to replace her were falling out over who was the best unifying candidate.

Labour, too, was at war with itself over whether or not to support a second referendum as Jeremy Corbyn waited for his advisers to tell him what to think. He hadn’t got where he was today by showing leadership. Change UK was about to be taken off life support as the consultants had recommended “do not resuscitate”. The Greens were off meditating somewhere. The Lib Dems had shot themselves in the foot by arranging their own post-election love-in at precisely the same time as the Brexit party had scheduled theirs some three days earlier. So almost no one turned up. Sometimes it’s as if the Lib Dems don’t actually want to succeed.

What the EU elections had shown was pretty much what we had already known. That the UK was hopelessly divided. Just over a third of the country wanted a no-deal Brexit, just over a third wanted to remain and the rest wanted some kind of deal but not the one that had been offered. By any normal standards this would be considered a mess. But with the rest of the parties largely missing in action, the Brexit party was happy to rewrite the narrative as a huge success for itself. A Triumph of the Will of the People.

The press conference had been due to take place in a side room overlooking St James’s Park. The chairs had all been laid out and the stage prepared for the arrival of Farage and the wannabe shopping channel presenter Tice. But it quickly turned into a complete free for all. For the last seven weeks, Farage has been the model of professionalism, kept on a tight leash by his handlers and sticking resolutely to a few soundbites of betrayal and humiliation. The election over, Nigel was back to his old self. Making it up as he went along and playing to any passing camera as the formal press conference was abandoned while reporters formed a scrum round him at the photocall. You can take the man out of Ukip, but you can’t take Ukip out of the man.

“Who here actually wants to take up their seats in Brussels?” Farage asked his assembled MEPs. A few looked as if they were about to raise their arms, before remembering that wasn’t the expected answer. But it was hard to blame them as no one looked more thrilled to be going back to the European parliament than Nigel. A place in which he has – in a loose sense – served and drawn a £120K-plus salary for the past 20 years.

Here was Nigel unplugged. His essential narcissism and self-deceit exposed. For years Farage has always insisted his goal is to make himself redundant, but without the attention he gets as a professional politician he could never be sure if he really existed. He feeds off the divisions he creates. The longer he spoke, the more obvious the fault lines became. He claims to want the Westminster politicians to deliver a no-deal Brexit, but is horrified at the thought they might actually achieve it. Because then he would be little more than an ageing picture in the attic.

Today was his day, though. And nothing was going to spoil it. The great disruptor had achieved one of his greatest disruptions. Who cared if he didn’t have any policies? Those could wait for another day. Sooner or later some of his MEPs are going to work him out. That there is less to him than meets the eye. That they profoundly disagree with him on key issues. Then it will all start to fall apart. But until then, Nigel will always be a moth to the flame of any microphone. And smile. Fake it to make it.