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Maker spaces ruined, poorly hidden packages, incels vs. The US Army, Maddox brags about stopping an imaginary mass shooter, Joey Salads calls in, how to break up with a girl, peeing over your own head, hazard lights, printed pictures look like garbage, Pedophastry and the terror of global warming, and Dame Pesos brings in a recording of Mundane Matt caught on a hot mic calling me a sociopath; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

A new bonus episode is up! Tony from “Hack the Movies” comes into the studio to learn about The Dick Leash–a real invention–and also the magic and wonder of Ben Shapiro’s sister’s tits. Some people will tell you that the leaks I have seen of her tits are not real and are “fool’s tits”, but these people are evil. They are titty NPCs who want to ruin good things for the everyone else, and they would suck Satan’s dick until it was out of clout if given the chance. They are “reply guys” and “groypers” (or anti-groypers, I don’t know what that word means) and always the first in the thread to ask, “but what about her back?” Do not listen to them, and do grab the new bonus episode right here, but first…

Ten years is a long way out. Flying cars, making first contact with aliens, a Friends reunion; pretty much anything could happen in ten years. There’s something about the number that hits a Lagrangian point in the imagination balancing the forces of unlimited potential and failure perfectly. In ten years, the world will be on fire.

What about twenty years? Would you believe the world could be on fire in twenty years? Maybe, but it honestly sounds like I’ll be dead in twenty years. Maybe not me, or at least whoever the person is with my social security number at that time–the Mario-ian it’s “a” me, and not necessarily the me–that person will be alive, but the me who is me right now will be dead, memories stretched into nothing. So I don’t care about the effects of global warming in twenty years–or even fifteen years, nor do I care about saving any money or whatever kind of stem cell breakthroughs might be happening then. I’m all about making it rain.

Would you believe five years? No, the world isn’t burning down in five years. That would too inconvenient for me. It gets in the way of my “five year plan”, first of all, which I intend to write next year. It might also conflict with my “seven year itch”, something that I know is real and I have seen it with my own eyes. Plus this president is going to be around for five more years, so it’s not like anything is going to change.

Nope! Sorry, it’s got to be ten years. That is the only amount of time we have for global warming, and it always will be. Every ten years, it’s another ten years. And then in another ten years after that. It might be a little different next time. Maybe it will be a little Chinese girl cursing us out in Mandarin for wrecking her planet, and then in ten more years, it will be a holographic projection of an angry fetus signing wildly about the end of days inside of a man who still hates Trump. And then it will be a very special message from the world’s first AI (one that isn’t racist anyway) that runs on female empowerment and plutonium. And people will make jokes about that.

The speed of science can at best keep pace with the speed of idiocy. It can never outrun it.

“I Need a Lawyer” by Hazencruz

Dick Pics



A thumbnail that lives in a society by Cliff Campbell.



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