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Once in a great while, a video comes across my desk that is so utterly perfect, I have no choice but to share it with the world. This deeply unsettling, erotically-charged industrial film for Sizzler is one of those videos. It comes from 1991, just as the restaurant chain was rebranding and reintroducing itself to America, and just as America's love affair with hairspray and Dockers hit a tawdry peak. Below are twenty reasons why you need to let this promotional video into your heart. (And then consult a cardiologist.)

1. It's morning in America; let's eat some fried shrimp. We begin with a cross-section of the United States, a visual roll-call of the types of people who will gravitate to The New Sizzler. And it's diverse! (Unless you mean ethnically!) Whether you're an elderly man in a hard hat, a butch young Teri Garr, or a grizzled sea captain who has abducted a child, Sizzler is the place for you to eat reasonably-priced steaks and "Klab" brand imitation crab meat.

2. Where is young Teri Garr playing baseball? Who is she playing baseball with? She doesn't really react to her hit for a few seconds, which indicates that it must have gone over some kind of wall or through an outfielder's legs, so where is everyone? Is she aware that her responsibilities as batter continue long past the point at which she hits the ball? Is she imagining this whole scene on her death bed, like in the previous year's film "Jacob's Ladder?"

3. Chekhov's Sizzler: If you introduce a Buffet Court in act one, it must be used in the third. The moment at 0:50 is a tease of the warm glory octagons we will soon meet. (I have waited my whole life for an opportunity to say "warm glory octagons.")

4. More people who will love Sizzler: the cast ofHey Dude. Ernest Borgnine and some lady. A sailor on shore leave in 1942.

5. What the narrator says from 1:15 to 1:35 is the most upbeat and patriotic way of saying "The rising cost of living is forcing both men and women to work long hours, and this youth-obesity epidemic isn't going to start itself."

6. More prospective Sizzler fans: guy with Zach Morris' cell phone. African-American family trying to overcome motion sickness by smiling. Stephen Collins. A Wilson Phillips tribute band without the Carnie.

7. 1:55: "Americans want value." Americans want sundaes that have been sitting out for a while. Americans want cereal in those sad glass hexagon things. Americans want sneezeguards.

8. Listen: There is nothing more irritating than when someone tells you something is everything. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is everything. That new Carly Rae Jepsen joint is everything. Pho is everything. Shut up. (You're correct, but shut up.) But the way the singer tears into the word "right" at 2:03 is everything. It's hopeful, it's blissful, it's street. It's America.

9. Okay. We must address the lip-lick that begins at 2:16 and lasts forever. How many takes do you reckon they shot? How many more subtle ones did Debi (her name is Debi and we all know it) give them before she got fed up and threw believability to the wind? How many times did the director say "Bigger, Debi. Bigger"? Did she ever eat another ice-cream sundae after this shoot? Or does she only eat ice-cream sundaes?

10. What do you think Sizzler wine tastes like? "Hot yellow Gummi Bears," probably, right? Do you think they call it Wizzler? I would.

11. The color palette in this video is very peach. Alarmingly peach. Golden Girls lanai peach. Is this supposed to stimulate appetite? It does not.

12. At 2:48, Debi is back and her character is having an affair. I think it went like this: she said "Fine. I will give you one over-the-top lick of the lips. But in return, I want an arc." Can you blame her? So in she goes for a chaste kiss on Scott Baio's cheek, then delivers a quick guilty look to camera to tell us this story is complicated, multi-layered, and rated R. Was it her husband she thought she saw? His wife? No matter? They've seen her. The jig is up; they might as well keep necking over this Sizzlin' Steak and Malibu Chicken Combo. He hides his face, but she will not break eye contact. Ever. They are in this together, whether he likes it or not. She smiles. Is she…proud?

13. At 2:57, our brief hot moment is interrupted by a nervous waiter, then fried scrod and kiwi right next to each other, then a narrator saying the words "wonderful hot appetizers." I will never be turned on again, not without a significant amount of Wizzler.

14. Overall, this feels like the intro package for a Christian-television version of "Melrose Place."

15. How do you reckon this set smelled? "Drakkar Noir and onion rings," probably, right?

16. The Buffet Court gets a hard sell here. "A whole experience on its own, where you create delicious combinations just the way you want them." Yes! Delicious combinations of things that have been sitting! "A restaurant within a restaurant…it's unique, it's bold, it's ahead of the competition. Sizzler for the '90s: exactly what America wants." To the degree that America wants a meal at the cafeteria of a skilled nursing facility, this is difficult to dispute. Also, the fonts on the Buffet Court signs are the ones they use for the covers of self-published prairie erotica.

17. Five years later, facing yearly losses of over $1 million a year, Sizzler filed for bankruptcy.

18. More Americans who've been Sizzler'd: a GOP Presidential hopeful with a dog, some wet lady who learned how to dry herself off from dogs, and Debi, who has shaken off Scott Baio's rejection and is sharing laughs and Italian dressing around the Buffet Court with a brand new lover.

19. As the Sizzler Show Choir kicks this song up to its big finish, it hits levels of spookiness that Scientology "We Stand Tall" video from the same year could only hope to reach. And honestly, 24 years later, I think even the naughtiest, most stuck-in-The-Hole Scientologists have a better health profile than anyone who ate at Sizzler more than twice.

20. And we end on the desperate smiles of the fake waitstaff and a bone-chilling stage-whispered "Sizzzzler," like we've just been told a horrible secret about our own past, which one could argue that we have. Japanese horror movies end on less disturbing notes.

I have a strange craving for a hot slice of watermelon that tastes vaguely of ham. See you later, America.

Dave Holmes Editor-at-Large Dave Holmes is Esquire's L.A.-based editor-at-large.

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