Apple has been getting a lot of criticism for its iPhone app approval process. Developers are calling the criteria for approval inconsistent and unclear, and some have suggested that the final approval involves asking a hamster named Monroe whether he would like some dried carrot. If Monroe has a tummy ache that day, it's back to the drawing board. Apple has neither confirmed nor denied this rumor.

I, myself, have submitted several applications to the iPhone Developer Program, and have been rejected every time. I think if you look over my list of apps and the supposed reasons for their rejection, you'll see that Apple's decisions are pure whimsy, drawn up from the whimsy mines deep beneath the company's headquarters in sunny Cupertino, California.

Low-Fat Chicken Breast Recipe Book

Apparently, Apple can't even handle the word breast, because it rejected this app, which is nothing more than a guide to cooking healthful, delicious, boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Each recipe comes with detailed instructions and a helpful video showing the dish being prepared by a naked porn star.

Steve Jobs Strip Poker

Apple has never been the biggest fan of transparency, so I guess it stands to reason that the company would be too cowardly to let the world see what its CEO looks like under the turtleneck. I'm no financial expert, but if I were looking to invest in Apple, I'd wonder what Jobs is trying to hide. A vestigial twin, whispering design suggestions for the fabled iTablet? A "NeXT Forever" tattoo? The mark of Cain? We'll never know, because Apple was unwilling to approve this app, much less supply the appropriate texture maps.

Baby Shaker

This was a detailed, realistic sim where you raised a child in the United Society of Believers in Christ's Second Appearing, aka the Shakers, teaching it to sing hymns and build furniture. Apple didn't even explain why it rejected this app. The company's only comment: "No freaking way."

iPlummet

This completely harmless game allowed you to shove the politician, celebrity or ex-spouse of your choice off a cliff and watch their body smash against the shattered rocks below. For added fun, it would send an e-mail to the smashee, saying: "I just killed you! You are dead!" and attaching a video of the terrifying murder. For some reason, Apple found this "offensive." I guess the company's engineers just don't like social media.

PersonalConnect Voice

It's sad that Apple can't handle a little competition. Not only did it reject the Google Voice app, the company also rejected my PersonalConnect Voice app, which provides an instant connection to phone sex operators around the world. It seems Apple wants to keep the lucrative phone sex market to itself. I just wish the company would admit it. Come on, Cupertino — come out and say it: "When someone calls a jaded sex worker pretending to be a nubile, insatiable co-ed, we want them to think 'Apple.'"

Steal Me!

This handy app uses motion detection to determine when your iPhone has been set down for three minutes or more, at which point it begins to yells a recorded message: "Steal me! Just grab me and run! You can get a hundred bucks or so, easy! Spend it on drugs! Anyone who buys an iPhone has too much money anyway! Go for it!" I have no idea why Apple rejected this app, but I suspect the company is working on its own version and didn't want the competition.

\—

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjoberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a developer, a devaluer and a devolutionist. His website is Bad Gods.

Illustration by Lore Sjoberg

See also: