This week has seen a dramatic shift towards the negative, motivation has been low, and I have felt like I have been wearing a lead apron and dragging around an anchor. I would love to attribute my feeling to an event of change in circumstance but unfortunately I cannot. Instead I am left damning my own brain and its inability to remain stable for longer than 20 minutes.

I have been attempting to utilise the techniques I have learnt during my Psychology sessions, but alas have not been overly successful. I try to change a negative thought, or a suicidal thought, into a something that is dismissed and categorised as useless or not helpful. This, however, has not always worked. More often than not the thought continues to cycle around gaining strength and subsequently becoming harder to dismiss. I know that I am able to change my thought process and utilise the neuroplasticity of my brain to change the thought processes, but no amount of knowledge seems to be helpful. In the same way that knowing a parachute will slow you down if you jump out of a plane, it doesn’t help you if you only know about it, you need to be wearing it, knowing that I need to change my thought processes doesn’t actually give me the ability to change the thoughts.

Motivation has always been a struggle amidst my depression, and this week has been no exception. Work, study, family, and even self care have been draining and exhausting tasks. This Saturday afternoon I almost completely shut down. I was non verbal, could barely lift my arms, my head felt heavy, I shuffled everywhere as though I was swimming in molasses. My wife had to give me instructions, step by step, to shower, change, and get ready for work. At work I felt like I was a passenger just along for the ride. I could see everything getting done, but had no control over what was happening. I felt as if my soul was leeching out the bottom of my shoes.

I endeavoured to motivate myself by engaging in a little self care. I sat around the fire a couple nights with friends and family, I tried to organise my shed to satisfy my accomplishment streak, I have played a game with my wife to switch off for a while, but have been overwhelming unsuccessful. I am clawing at my brain trying to find what will work. The prospect of never getting my mind back still frightens me, I don’t want to be trapped in the tar pit of despair that has become my thoughts and emotions.

I am running out of ideas, and subsequently hope, surrounding my mental health. I am open to suggestions and ideas from the Maintain the Rage community. So please, comment, reply, direct message, or send a carrier pigeon with you suggestions. I will be listening.

Maintain The Rage,

Luke Sondergeld