Is that Tyreek Hill? Why aren’t the Patriots covering him? Is this some kind of a trick? He’s awfully far away. But you know what? Just this once, I’m throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Chris Conley open on the flank. It’s tempting. Very tempting. But not this time. The fans have seen that play enough times already. And Kelce seems to have settled down into a soft spot in the zone down the middle. Perhaps, I…wait, NO! And there goes Kareem Hunt leaking out of the backfield. That’s an easy five yard gain, guaranteed. RRRRGGGGHHHH OH GOD I WANT TO CHECK IT DOWN TO HIM SO BAD!

[takes deep breath]

But no. Gotta resist those urges. This is professional football. Wins aren’t just going to fall into your lap when you play it safe. Well, sure, I mean a few might, when your defense carries you and the oafs you’re playing against make tragi-comically inept mistakes in critical situations. And you can certainly not lose games by playing it safe. Trust me – I’ve been doing it my whole career. But against competent teams like the Patriots? You gotta roll the dice. Or as my great-great-grandfather called them, the devil’s testicles. Not sure why he called them that.

Okay, I’m throwing it. Hmm. Not bad! Hey, look, one of my…wait, what are those guys called…[searches memory for a glossary of NFL terms]…oh, right…”wide receivers” caught it. And he’s sauntering in for the touchdown. Neat! Seems like a much more efficient way to score than just inching up the field four yards at a time. Have to check with Coach Reid and see if we’ve got more of these so-called “go routes” in the playbook.

[thinks things over, frowns]

You know what? I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this. This is Alex Smith we’re talking about here. We’re talking 216 lbs. of applesauce and properly administered dental floss. I can’t imagine all this excitement is going to be good for me. I’m gonna have to do something to settle my nerves back into their normal state. You see that Raiders fan in a wheelchair sitting in the handicapped section? I’m gonna hit him with a Sexy Alexi not-so-much-zip-on-it-but-perfectly-placed lob right in his lap so he’ll have a nice souvenir to bring home. And then give him a push when he needs a hand rolling up the ramp. Ah, just thinking about it makes me feel better.

Still, though, that throw. Wow. That was kind of fun. Maybe I’m going to have to try that again someday.