Relax kids, putting your penis in a dead pig’s mouth breaks no law

In response to an incident now being dubbed #piggate across social media, top lawyers are claiming that David Cameron’s alleged placement of his penis in a dead pig’s mouth may have been bizarre but it probably wasn’t illegal.

News broke late last night that the PM may have been a bit of a wild child during his time at Oxford.

In a unauthorised tell all biography entitled “Call me Dave” written by Lord Ashcroft and co-authored by Isabel Oakeshott, it is alleged that Cameron performed an obscene act with a dead pig during a bizarre initiation ceremony at the top university.

Taking to his blog earlier today, self-proclaimed sexual freedoms lawyer Myles Jackman argued that what our Eton-educated PM apparently did was probably within the law.

Jackman — known in social media-circles as “Obscenity Lawyer” — runs through a number of potential offences that could have applied to Cameron’s alleged act, including “intercourse with an animal” and “sexual penetration of a corpse”.

The lawyer, who has regularly advised in matters relating to extreme pornography, rules out Cameron being prosecuted for having “sex” with an animal. He explains that “since the animal in question was not living and nor was its vagina or anus penetrated” no offence has been committed.

Jackman proceeds to rule out “sexual penetration of a corpse” as well, explaining that a pig cannot constitute a “corpse” because “animals are not granted legal personhood at law”.

However Cameron could be on shakier ground when it comes to the offence of “outraging public decency”. Jackman says more information is needed regarding the incident itself — but if Cameron decided to pop his penis in the pig’s mouth in a place where members of the public could see him, then he could well be in trouble.

Finally, with the explosive autobiography revealing that a photograph of the act may be in existence, Jackman points out that the person who has the snap in their possession may also be committing an offence. The lawyer points out the image could constitute possession of extreme pornography.

Finishing his “ham fisted legal analysis”, the self-employed obscenity law guru points out that under European mediaeval law the punishment for bestiality was death. Rather unfairly, this sentence was apparently also applied to the poor animal.

Continuing the bestiality theme, barrister Matthew Scott was also keen to flag up the law relating to #piggate, dredging up on an old blog post of his written about cow-admirer Paul Lovell.

An old post. With a living pig, vaginal or anal sex is illegal but oral sex is legal. Anything goes with a dead pig. http://t.co/L23PlH7i5r — Matthew Scott (@Barristerblog) September 21, 2015

For those unfamiliar with the 2014 case, Lovell was arrested after a couple spotted him trying to initiate oral sex with cows near Tottenham Hotspur FC’s training ground on the outskirts of London. After that failed, Lovell turned his attention to the sheep, attempting — without success — to penetrate them.

The IT worker, from Enfield, north London, was found guilty of the common law offence of outraging public decency — not bestiality — and was subsequently handed a four-month custodial sentence suspended for 18 months.

Scott’s detailed analysis of the case and the relevant law suggests that Lovell’s major problem — unlike Cameron’s, as far as we know — was that he attempted to perform the sexual act in a public place.

So unless anyone can prove that members of the public spotted Dave committing his alleged act, then it looks like our beloved leader is in the clear.