As I’ve mentioned before, I am a huge Potterhead. I was a hipster kid who initially refused to read it because everyone was reading it, until I was forced to sit and watch the Philosopher’s Stone film by my parents. It was such a formative moment for me that I can remember it clear as day; sitting in my inflatable Winnie the Pooh chair in my bedroom with the lights off, my sister sitting next to me in her matching chair. I remember my awe at the magic. I remember my sister being so scared of the final scene between Harry and Voldemort that she hid her face in my lap.

From then on I devoured everything Harry Potter related; my school stationary was all Potter; my Christmas list was 75% Potter merchandise; my Mam painstakingly made my sister and I our very own Hogwarts robes; when my sister and I played we were always students at Hogwarts and we could turn anything into a prop. We even stayed awake at night reciting the films, word for word, to each other. One of the happiest days of my life was the day a man knocked on the door and told me I’d won a competition I’d entered in The Beano, and presented me with a year’s supply of Chocolate Frogs, Sherbet Lemons, and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans.

It would be a bit of an understatement, therefore, to say Harry Potter has been a big part of my life. The more obsessive side of my fandom has relaxed (as in I don’t walk round imagining I’m a witch anymore, though maybe I should still do that), but I’m still a huge fan. I re-read the series several times a year, I have a small shrine in my bedroom, and I’m gobbling up everything Fantastic Beasts related as I used to do with Harry.

I feel no shame. I love my shrine.

I’ve relied on Harry Potter throughout my depression. While enduring mild depression for roughly two years I read the books almost constantly. I would finish Deathly Hallows and instantly loop back round to Philosopher’s Stone to begin the adventure again. My boyfriend would always ask me “How are you not bored of it yet?!” In retrospect I suppose it was a form of escapism – yes, Harry’s world contains death, despair, and suffering, but it also bears the message that good always triumphs, love always beats hate, lightness always drives out darkness, and justice will always prevail. It was reassuring, much like a comfort blanket, in the real world where nothing is certain.

Gradually my illness got worse and worse and spiralled out of control and I was diagnosed with severe/clinical depression. I went on the sick from work, unable to face my shifts; every day dreading leaving the house to catch the train there; every day thinking “what if I just fell in front of the train, I wouldn’t have to keep going through this…” I vowed I’d use the time off to work to pull myself together and doing things I enjoyed. Instead…I stared at the wall. I couldn’t do anything I enjoyed because I no longer enjoyed it. I went from devouring books to not even getting beyond two sentences. I didn’t watch TV, I didn’t do anything creative. I just stared at the wall and waited until I could go back to bed and go to sleep, not unlike Harry himself after Sirius died.

“…Harry had spent nearly all his time at the Dursleys‘ lying on his bed, refusing meals and staring at the misted window, full of the chill emptiness that he had come to associate with Dementors.”

– Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, p.77

The Dementors are, of course, JK Rowling’s uncomfortably accurate embodiment of depression. Rowling has spoken openly about her depression in the past and used that feeling to create some of the most loathsome creatures imaginable. In an interview with Oprah, she said;

“[Depression is] that absence of feeling, it’s even the absence of hope that you can feel better. And it’s so difficult to describe to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness. I know sadness, sadness is not a bad thing, you know, to cry and to feel; but it’s that cold absence of feeling, that really hollowed out feeling.”

– Oprah & JK Rowling in Scotland

We are first introduced to the Dementors in chapter five of Prisoner of Azkaban, when one searches the Hogwarts Express for Sirius Black. The Dementor has a particularly horrible affect on Harry, who passes out, though it affects everybody else too. Ron says

“I felt weird…like I’d never be cheerful again.”

– Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, p.67

Professor Lupin describes Dementors as feeding upon ‘hope, happiness, the desire to survive’ (PoA, p. 176), and leaving nothing but the bad memories; for example, whenever a Dementor gets near Harry he hears his parents dying. Ginny, who is also affected worse than the others when the Dementor enters the compartment, presumably remembers being possessed by Tom Riddle the previous year. Dementors more adversely affect those who have experienced trauma in their lives, just like depression; however, both Dementors and depression also affect you even if you’ve lived the happiest, least traumatic of lives. Such an example of this is Dudley Dursley, who grew up with his parents doting on him, giving him everything he wanted, and being the top of the pecking order at school. Dudley has never known suffering or strife, but his experience with the Dementor is harrowing enough to change him. We never learn what it was that Dudley relived, but it made him realise how awful he had been to Harry.

“Dudley gently released himself from his mother’s clutches and walked towards Harry, who had to repress an urge to threaten him with magic. Then Dudley held out his large, pink hand.

‘Blimey, Dudley,’ said Harry, over Aunt Petunia’s renewed sobs, ‘did the Dementors blow a different personality into you?’

‘Dunno,’ muttered Dudley. ‘See you, Harry.’“

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.40

In Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry also often dwells upon the embarrassment of being affected so badly by the Dementors. After the first attack Harry first feels shame growing, wondering “why had he gone to pieces like that, when no-one else had?“ (PoA, p.68). When Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall summon him to make sure he is okay, Harry “felt himself going red in the face. It was bad enough that he’d passed out…without everyone making all this fuss.“ (PoA, p.70). When Lupin doesn’t let him face the Boggart in his first Defence Against the Dark Arts class, Harry wonders “was it because he’d seen Harry collapse on the train, and thought he wasn’t up to much?“ (PoA, p.105). In the film adaptation of Prisoner of Azkaban, Lupin reads between the lines and explicitly tells Harry “you are not weak, Harry. The Dementors affect you most of all because there are true horrors in your past, horrors your classmates can scarcely imagine. You have nothing to be ashamed of.“

This shame is certainly something that people suffering from depression and other mental illnesses endure; it is the fear of being judged, of being considered crazy, or weak. Indeed, mental illnesses are so stigmatised as affecting only the weak that men – who are stereotypically expected to be strong and in control of their emotions – are vastly more likely to commit suicide than women. (Samaritans, Suicide Statistics Report 2016).

I experienced shame like this. All my life I’ve been an annoyingly optimistic person, always full of energy and positivity. Even when I was feeling low, the second I was around people at work I’d spark up and act enthusiastic. To this day I don’t even know if I sincerely felt that energetic just by being around people, or if it was just a very convincing act because I knew that was how I was expected to be. But being cast as that person made it all the more difficult to open up about having depression because I feared people wouldn’t believe me. “But you’re always so happy, you can’t be depressed“, or “What do you have to be depressed about?” This mentality is particularly toxic as it minimises the suffering people face on a daily basis. As mentioned above, a person does not necessarily need to have a traumatic experience in order to become depressed; depression is an equal opportunities illness that can strike any one at any time for no reason at all. However, I completely disregarded the advice I’d given friends and family members when they were struggling with mental issues; although I never once considered them to be weak I still considered myself to be so. I told nobody outside of my family.

Even if we like to pretend it’s not there, depression often seeps into our daily lives; how we function, how we complete tasks, how we treat people. It’s an unfortunate truth that the people we hurt the most are the ones we are closest to; for example, by becoming extremely irritable and lashing out. In Order of the Phoenix, Harry, who is being lambasted as a liar and attention seeker by all of the wizarding world, frequently takes out his bad mood on Ron and Hermione.

‘”Seamus reckons Harry’s lying about You-Know-Why,” said Ron succinctly, when Harry didn’t respond.

Hermione, who Harry had expected to react angrily on his behalf, sighed.

“Yes, Lavender thinks so too,” she said gloomily.

“Been having a nice little chat with her about whether of not I’m a lying, attention-seeking prat, have you?” Harry said loudly.

“No,” said Hermione calmly. “I told her to keep her big fat mouth shut about you, actually. And it would be quite nice if you stopped jumping down our throats, Harry, because in case you haven’t noticed, Ron and I are on your side.”‘

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p.207

Alternatively, we push people away by closing them out of our lives. Refusing to talk about what you are going through with the people you love can cause them great distress, as they want to be there for you and support you. But feeling ashamed of being a sufferer makes you believe it is a taboo topic that should be hidden away rather than discussed. Hagrid, for example, locks himself away after Rita Skeeter writes an article about him being a half-giant. The trio try knocking on his door several times to tell them that they don’t care about it and they still want to be his friend, but he refuses to answer or engage with them. When he is eventually forced to let them in by Dumbledore, we can see that Hagrid has been neglecting his self-care.

“Hagrid was sitting at his table, where there were two large mugs of tea. He looked a real mess. His face was blotchy, his eyes swollen, and he had gone to the other extreme where his hair was concerned; far from trying to make it behave, it now looked like a wig of tangled wire.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, p.393

Neglecting self-care is a classic trait of depression. I personally went – several times, I might add – over a week without showering or washing my hair. It feels disgusting but when you have no willpower to move or take care of yourself, you really don’t mind so much.

As well as feelings of hopelessness, despair, and emptiness, feeling weak and ashamed, and taking your frustrations out on those closest to you, depression also comes with that dreaded place, Rock Bottom. Not everyone who suffers from depression reaches this point – some people suffer from depression but never reach the point where they are seriously considering taking their own life, or feeling like everyone’s life would greatly improve if they weren’t alive. It is a point of irrationality that feels rational, that this is the only logical step from here and everybody else is too polite to mention it though, of course, they would be egging you on if you could (one of the many lies a depressive mindset tells you.) It is a feeling of such crushing despair that it feels like your body can’t contain it, that only howling and tearing at yourself will bring you any relief. It’s certainly not a pleasant place to be and was not a level of depression that is discussed in the Harry Potter novels, although there is an extract that demonstrates a similar feeling. It comes from the aftermath of Sirius’s death – Harry, who has endured mocking, a public smear campaign, his OWLs, having Voldemort inside his head, being in charge of the resistance, and now feels responsible for his godfather’s death, lets all of his raw emotions out in a rage at Dumbledore.

“‘Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man. This pain is part of being human-‘

‘THEN – I – DON’T – WANT – TO – BE – HUMAN!’ Harry roared, and he seized the delicate silver instrument from the spindle-legged table beside him and flung it across the room; it shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said ‘Really!’

‘ I DON’T CARE!’ Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. ‘I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE –’

He seized the table on which the silver instrument had been stood and threw that, too. It broke apart on the floor and the legs rolled in different directions.

‘You do care,’ said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. ‘You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.'”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, p.758-9

Although Harry’s experience of this emotion was driven by grief, I find it has strong echoes of my own rock bottom, as I’m sure many other people do, too. On the night I reached that place I lay in bed sobbing, clawing at myself, wanting to squeeze my head until it burst, just wanting it all to be over so I wouldn’t have to feel any more. It is the feeling that nobody can understand or ease your pain. Truthfully, the only thing that kept me going that night was a quote from JK Rowling;

‘Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.’

Very Good Lives: The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Important of Imagination, p.33

I clung to that quote in desperation. As the thoughts were pouring into my head I tried dulling them by just focusing on those twelve words. It became my only hope that maybe now I would be able to start rebuilding my life, because it certainly couldn’t get any worse (at least for myself. As I’ve said in another post, I don’t pretend my depression is any worse than anyone else’s; my own rock bottom was nowhere near as bad as most other rock bottoms I’ve heard of.)

Just as casting a Patronus is essential for overcoming a Dementor, finding a way to the light at the end of the tunnel is essential for overcoming depression. Even if you are not at rock bottom this can be extremely difficult to do. There is no one-size-fits-all cure, just as no Patronus is the same (incidentally, mine is an Ibizan Hound according to Pottermore.) For me, I have found medication has helped a great deal, whereas it may make others feel completely numb or even worse.

Talking to your friends is always a good step; I eventually decided to tell mine a few months ago. I suspect receiving a formal diagnosis of clinical depression made me stop burying my head in the sand; this illness was a part of me and I might as well accept it. Admitting it definitely lifted a weight off me and I now talk openly about how my mood is and how my medication is helping. A passage of Harry Potter that really summarises this experience is in Half-Blood Prince after Harry, who has been struggling with anxiety about the prophecy, eventually tells Ron and Hermione about it.

“A warmth was spreading through him that had nothing to do with the sunlight; a tight obstruction in his chest seemed to be dissolving. He knew that Ron and Hermione were more shocked than they were letting on, but the mere fact that they were still there on either side of him, speaking bracing words of comfort, not shrinking from him as though he were contaminated or dangerous, was worth more than he could ever tell them.”

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, p.97

Similarly in Goblet of Fire, knowing Harry, Ron and Hermione aren’t going to abandon him helps Hagrid find inner strength to fight on;

“‘Ar, he’s righ‘ o’ course – yeh’re all right’…I bin stupid…my ol‘ dad woulda bin ashamed o’ the way I’ve bin behavin‘…’ More tears leaked out, but he wiped them away more forcefully.'”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, p.395

Having a support network can help in so many ways, as Harry and Hagrid realised. Realising people aren’t going to run away when they see the full extent of your illness is incredibly reassuring; having them to turn to and support and encourage you can prove to be life-saving, as Harry discovered in the Battle of Hogwarts;

“A hundred Dementors were advancing, gliding towards them, sucking their way closer to Harry’s despair, which was like a promise of a feast…

He saw Ron’s silver terrier burst into the air, flicker feebly and expire; he saw Hermione’s otter twist in mid-air and fade, and his own wand trembled in his hand, and he almost welcomed the oncoming oblivion, the promise of nothing, of no feeling…

And then a silver hare, a boar and a fox soared past Harry, Ron and Hermione’s heads: the Dementors fell back before the creatures’ approach. Three more people had arrived out of the darkness to stand beside them, their wands outstretched, continuing to cast their Patronuses: Luna, Ernie and Seamus.

‘That’s right,’ said Luna encouragingly, as if they were back in the Room of Requirement and this was simply spell practice for the DA. ‘That’s right, Harry…come on, think of something happy…’

‘Something happy?’ he said, his voice cracked.

‘We’re all still here,’ she whispered, ‘we’re still fighting. Come on, now…’

There was a silver spark, then a wavering light, and then, with the greatest effort it had ever cost him, the stag burst from Harry’s want. It cantered forwards, and now the Dementors scattered in earnest…”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.521-2

Knowing people are still there to love and support you can be one of the most empowering things while battling depression. As this passage, and many others in PoA show, overcoming the feelings of hopelessness and despair is an incredibly difficult, incredibly draining task. When you cannot feel happiness even the happiest of memories can be tainted. A lot of my happiest memories include my boyfriend, but when trying to use them to make myself feel better they become tainted with “he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, he’s just too scared to tell you” and other such thoughts.

In Deathly Hallows, Ron becomes increasingly irritable and aggressive with Harry and Hermione, eventually believing that they want to be together romantically, even though this is not true – Harry is still in love with Ginny, and Hermione secretly loves Ron. When attacking the locket Horcrux, the part of Riddle’s soul preys upon Ron’s feelings and twists them into something ugly and distorted;

“‘Least loved, always, by the mother who craved a daughter…least loved, now, by a girl who prefers your friend…second best, always, eternally overshadowed…’…Out of the locket’s two windows, out of the eyes, there bloomed, like two grotesque bubbles, the heads of Harry and Hermione, weirdly distorted…the Riddle-Harry was speaking now with Voldemort’s voice and Ron was gazing, mesmerised, into its face.

‘Why return? We were better without you, happier without you, glad of your absence…we laughed at your stupidity, your cowardice, your presumption -‘

‘Presumption!’ Echoed the Riddle-Hermione…’who could look at you, who would ever look at you, beside Harry Potter? What have you ever done, compared with the Chosen One? What are you, compared with the Boy Who Lived…who wouldn’t prefer him, what woman would take you? You are nothing, nothing, nothing to him,’ crooned Riddle-Hermione and she stretched like a snake and entwined herself around Riddle-Harry, wrapping him in a close embrace: their lips met.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, p.306-7

The Horcrux also tells Ron ‘I have seen your heart, and it is mine.’ (DH, p.306) This for me epitomises how depression can warp your mind; it knows everything you love, everything you hope and dream of, and it twists them so badly that you no longer believe yourself capable or worthy of attaining them.

It therefore cannot be understated how important it is to have a network there who can still show you that they truly want to be there, that they truly care and are willing to listen to you no matter what. However, this can only be a building block; the Dementors were held at bay by Harry’s companions, but it was only when Harry himself cast his Patronus that they actually scattered. I think this is a wonderful metaphor for overcoming depression; the main effort has to come from you. It doesn’t matter how you do this, if you choose medication, therapy, mindfulness, CBT, or a combination – as long as you put on your armour and try to fight it.

The signature quote that is most often associated with depression and recovery is, interestingly enough, not one that was included in the novels or even written by JK Rowling. It is spoken by Dumbledore in the film adaptation of Prisoner of Azkaban;

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

– Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (film adaptation)

Finding happiness in the darkness is essential; that, after all, is the way to fight the Dementors. However, finding the light inside is so much different from just thinking positively. One of the worst things you can say to someone who suffers from depression is just “just cheer up, think positively instead of negatively.” It’s. Not. That. Easy. The depressive mindset is so overwhelming that positive thoughts are just not possible nor believable. There is no depressed person who is suffering because they want to. If it were that easy to overcome it wouldn’t even be an illness. Uncovering the inner strength to fight the Dementors away is one of the most difficult things to do when their grip on you is so paralysing. No, remembering to turn on the light is something that occurs deep, deep down. For me it was clinging to that JK Rowling quote when I was visiting rock bottom that was my light, and as my recovery progresses it is easier to find the light in each situation. Turning on the light is about finding something that makes you want to survive, that makes you want to fight. It’s like a candle – each time you hold on to it and overcome an obstacle, you light another one. As each obstacle comes and goes, it becomes easier and brighter. It’s just a matter of finding something that flicks the light on which, when you are drowning in awful feelings, can be a gargantuan task.

What makes the series so inspiring for fans with mental health issues is the relatability of the characters. As we have seen, Harry himself endures some of the feelings associated with depression, making it easier to identify with him, but even outside of the mental health narrative the characters make us feel better. They are often the embodiment of the people we want to be. Hermione is intelligent and stands up for her beliefs despite ridicule; Luna is entirely comfortable with herself and her own weirdness and doesn’t care what others think of her; Ron is loyal and funny; Hagrid defies stereotypes and is kind and gentle; Snape is dark and brooding but is incredibly brave and works for the greater good; Neville develops from being cowardly and untalented into a leader of the revolution with great magical skill. Every character is fleshed out and believable, and from each other them we draw inspiration of the people we want to become. On our darkest days when we can barely move from bed, they are there are our constant companions. They give us hope that maybe, if we pull through this, we can be like them.

What makes JK Rowling’s portrayal of mental health in her books so accurate and compelling is her own experiences with depression; those experiences may well have saved countless lives. If you look at all the Tweets directed at Rowling, scores of them are thanking her for her series as it has helped them cope with their mental health issues. That ten years after the last book was published, and twenty years since the series began, it still continues to give hope to so many people, is truly beautiful and a real testament to Rowling’s sensitivity and skill.

References:

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, UK paperback version, published 1997

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, UK paperback version, published 1999

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, UK paperback version, published 2000

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, UK hardback reprint, published 2014 (originally 2003)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, UK, first edition, published 2005

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, UK, first edition, published 2007

Very Good Lives: The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination, UK, first edition, published 2015