Whole Foods Is Now Open on Capitol Hill. Here's All the Free Shit.

Welcome?

The Bellevuization of Seattle's once gritty homosexual neighborhood became complete today when Whole Foods opened in Capitol Hill. I stopped by on my daily mango-flavored vape break, and it was, predictably, a mad house, complete with lanyard-wearing humans wandering around in a daze under the bright florescent lighting, roving cashiers with registers on wheels, and more than one emotional support poodle in the produce section.

The bottom floor of Capitol Hill's 10,000th grocery store is for actual groceries and the second floor is for coffee, booze, baked goods, and prepared foods as well as "Stella's Lounge," a bar for people who are so overwhelmed by the existential angst of supporting yet another Amazon endeavor that they just need a fucking drink. There's a massive (and, today, largely untouched) salad bar, as well as a hot bar, pizza, sandwiches, burritos, and an array of desserts that would be a little bit sweeter if they weren't all a part of Jeff Bezos's master plan to control every aspect of American commerce.

There is, however, one aspect of the new Whole Foods that everyone can enjoy, including those of us to refuse to get Amazon Prime even though it's the only place to watch Goliath and you get an extra 10 percent off selected items at Whole Foods. I'm talking, of course, about samples. On opening day, we have...

Free grapes

Free gluten-free crackers

Free guacamole and chips

Free knockoff pumpkin spice Oreos

Free chicken and pasta thing

Yogurt-covered pretzels, free if no one sees you take them

As for how the non-free foods are, who knows? I'm full up on samples.