For just over a decade Adam Sandler’s production company Happy Madison has been churning out some of the worst excuses for comedy I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Of the 30 films produced by Happy Madison the average rotten tomatoes rating is a paltry 24%. The only two Happy Madison films that have received a certified fresh rating are Reign Over Me and Funny People. Both of these films had Sandler as a producer in name only and were written by different scenarists. Admittedly there are a few Happy Madison movies that I have enjoyed. I thought that the buddy stoner movie Grandma’s Boy was palatable and when I was 12 Joe Dirt was the greatest comedy ever written. So Sandler’s films aren’t totally void of inspiration but it’s the execution that makes them so bad. The majority of Happy Madison will be remembered as one reviewer put it, “dire, soul crushing stuff.” So what are the elements needed to craft a truly awful Happy Madison production? After watching way too many of the movies I think I have the recipe for a truly gourmet shit sandwich courtesy Mr. Sandler.

Give every character a single trait or just make them a stereotype

I imagine that the writing meetings for a Happy Madison production go something like this.

“So what’s this character’s name?”

“Haha, Zohan?”

“Dude, that is so crazy and what is he like”

“Hahaha I don’t know he’s like foreign and he’s a hairstylist”

“Dude, that’s perfect, so what’s this next character’s name”

“Haha, Bucky Larson”

“Nice! Let’s make him have a small dick”

“Perfect, well looks like we’re good for the rest of the year, let’s get some pizza!”

High five

All of the main characters in Happy Madison films are imbued with a goofy voice and little mental facility. There is no depth to these characters other than a physical malady or their geographic origins. The best example of this is the abysmal 2002 disaster The Master of Disguise starring Dana Carvey. Watching these movies makes me wonder, “Did anybody ever think this was funny?” They say most screenplays go through about a dozen revisions before it is ready for shooting. Happy Madison films appear to be rough drafts that they just run with because they know people are going to shell out 8 bucks to see it no matter what.

Just cast your best friends

Adam Sandler has a bad habit of casting people who should not be leads as the protagonists in his films. David Spade, Nick Swardson, and Rob Schneider are all great supporting actors in comedy films. Tommy Boy would not have been such a great film if it were not for David Spade’s smarmy straight man to counteract Chris Farley’s incompetent Tommy. When these actors are placed in the lead role they just can’t sustain an audience’s attention for a full 90-minute feature. I actually feel bad for Rob Schneider and I want to slap Adam Sandler for raising his hopes every other year by giving him a lead role. It’s almost as if Sandler is afraid that one of the SNL buddies he came up with might be more successful than him so he just gives them all the awful roles that he is too busy to do himself.

Have multiple writers for each project

There are some great writing partners working in Hollywood these days. The Duplass Brothers, Joel and Ethan Cohen, and Adam McKay and Will Farrell are just a couple examples of great comedy writing teams. So I am not saying that there is something inherently wrong with having multiple screenwriters working on a project. However, these writing partners are successful because they have been working together for years; they understand each other’s process and have similar sensibilities. What happens with films like Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star is a classic case of too many cooks in the kitchen. Bucky Larson was written by Sandler, Swardson, and Allen Covert and one of the many problems with the film was that there was no distinct voice. What results is a cavalcade of unfunny sketches and gross out humor that nobody in the writing room was particularly married to because they figured they can just blame the mediocrity on one of the other writers.

A 14-year-old white suburban male’s opinion is the only thing that matters

Don’t get me wrong farts are funny; dick jokes can be funny, blue humor can be funny but it’s when all of the comedy comes from grossing out your audience and dudes getting hit in the balls where I take issue. The 40-year-old Virgin is a great example of a movie that is about sex but where the comedy is not derived from the fact that sex happens. While dick jokes and fart comedy hit their peak with movies like Dumb and Dumber the comedy atmosphere has evolved. There is less focus on crazy situations and physical gags. Judd Apatow in particular has proven that dialogue based comedy is much richer. Above all else gross out comedy is just plain lazy.

Try to force a message or love story

In all of these films the main character must overcome adversity to show the world that their being different is ok! Also, the main characters (all of which are male) will always get the girl of their dreams by the end of the movie. It’s just so predictable and cliché every movie just seems like the writers played mad libs with character names and churned out the same formulaic drivel. These movies also tend to have some sort of deep social message in, Don’t Mess with the Zohan it was xenophobia, in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry its gay marriage. Personally I think it’s kind of fucked up to say that you are going to make a movie that supports same sex marriage by perpetuating overplayed gay stereotypes. “Let’s make a statement against prop 8! But two guys kissing is still really icky.”