WASHINGTON – In what is being labeled a “complete coincidence,” Senator Kelly Loeffler of Georgia purchased weapons, ammunition, potassium iodide, and a remote Wyoming Compound after Wednesday’s secure Coronavirus briefing. Loeffler, who has gained recent notoriety for her savvy stock plays based on insider information that she should have used to benefit her constituents, insisted that her decisions were simply “part of a predetermined program of asset purchases.” The body double of Senator Burr (R. NC) refused to comment on the allegations leveled against his colleague. Our correspondent was unable to reach Loeffler for an interview due to connection issues caused by thirty feet of Wyoming earth and ten of high-grade reinforced concrete.

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