Never tangle with Reddit or 4chan. Their apologists are oblivious and indefatigable. (All comments below are paraphrases of actual email and twitter comments received today.)

Me: “Ben & Larry’s Ice Cream is delicious, but the PoopBits are disgusting. I’m never buying this brand of ice cream again — I don’t know why they can’t get rid of them, they responded when the FDA cracked down and got the Runny VomitVeins out last year.”

A1: It’s the principle of the thing: you have to allow the PoopBits in order to have the deliciousness.

Me: “What happened to principle with the VomitVeins? Did it get less delicious when those were removed?”

A1: <silence>

A2: If they take out the PoopBits, what’s to stop them from taking out the chocolate chips? I love the chocolate chips!

A3: Poop is natural. Everyone poops. It’s pointless to oppose something that everyone has to live with anyway.

A4: But the PoopBits are popular! Eleventythousand people bought the Ben & Larry’s ice cream with Extra PoopBits!

A5: But the PoopBits aren’t very popular! Quit focusing on the trivial issues and enjoy the whole Ben & Larry’s experience.

A6: The people who like the PoopBits are mentally ill. Are you trying to discriminate against the mentally ill?

A7: You don’t own Ben & Larry’s. You don’t get to tell them what to do. You aren’t the boss of them.

A8: Ben & Larry’s is an extremely successful company, therefore they know what they are doing and what is best.

A9: The PoopBits are so obvious. Why can’t you just eat around them, or pick them out?

A10: Ben & Larry’s does not discriminate on the basis of ingredients. Because of that, we can get vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, as well as poop.

A11: You social justice warriors are always trying to tell me to stop eating poop, and to stop feeding poop to my children. Well, I’m going to eat an extra helping of poop just to spite you. So there.

A12: If you stop eating Ben & Larry’s, you also have to stop eating peaches. Flies poop on those, you know.

A13: You can never defeat poop. Don’t bother resisting, just shut up and eat it anyway.

A14: 4flan has more PoopBits in it than Ben & Larry’s, so you should be grateful for your Ben & Larry’s With Slightly Less Poop In It. Oh, but 4flan’s ice cream is also really good.

A15: FUCK YOU IM GOIN TO KILL YOU. POOPBITS MAKE MY BONER HARD.

I haven’t had a surge of defensiveness quite so abrupt since I was rude to a cracker. I’m hoping this one doesn’t last as long…odds are good, Reddit people seem to have very short attention spans.