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STUDIES have shown that almost 100% of humans aren’t eating nearly enough silage, with scientists currently trying to evaluate the potential health risks if this trend continues.

Silage, a hearty and warming food that is readily available, is normally fed to livestock in the winter as a way of keeping them from dying.

However, a stunning new survey has found that almost nobody, not even culchies, eats silage on a regular enough basis. The damning new report does not attempt to guess what ramifications that a silage-free diet might have for an average person.

“We seem to have made it this far without any substantial silage intake, but I think that’s just not sustainable” said Dr. Hermer Kingston, silage research specialist.

“If you look at livestock, they eat silage for nearly two-thirds of the year… humans don’t even eat a single bowl. That can’t be right. We cannot allow these silage-dodging ways to continue. Five portions of silage, or at the very least hay, should be consumed each and every day. Or fall over and die, see if I care”.

The news was met with shouts of “told you so” by poor-silage food bloggers, and over 400 silage-themed cookbooks are expected to hit the shelves before Christmas.