Sephora Launches New Majora’s Mask, Leaving Women Exfoliated and Burdened With Dark Magic

SEATTLE — Sephora patrons rushed into local stores early Friday for the launch of Majora’s Mask, Nintendo’s limited-time exfoliation product, only to complain days later about the unexpected dark magic that accompanied their purchase.

“I’ve dealt with mild breakouts for years, and this mask really seemed like the answer to my prayers,” said skincare enthusiast and Seattle University student Jasmine Shattuck, adjusting her sunglasses. “It was pretty easy to apply and felt great. But then things started to get… weird. At first my eyes got a little redder, and I thought the ingredients were just irritating them. But now they’re this ugly shade of red and yellow and glow like I’m some freak experiment. How the hell is a girl like me supposed to date?”

Other customers faced more severe consequences of the product’s dark forces.

“My boyfriend can’t talk or eat or sleep,” said local fitness trainer Hayley Miller, her voice cracking as she dug in her purse for a tissue. “It’s all my fault. I wanted to surprise him with a fresh and beautiful face. I had just washed off the mask, and the second he walked in, I looked at him and POOF. Turned him into a stupid block of wood. Now he won’t answer me, he won’t move. He’s acting like this one scrub I dated years ago.”

While most stores have been accepting refunds, managers reported that the company is not responsible for buyer dissatisfaction.

“Look, we just sell the products,” said Sephora client experience manager Jim Costanza. “You got problems with the side effects, take it up with the lab guys. We want to give people the best skin possible, but we’re not bending over backwards to fix any terrible fates.”

Nintendo did not respond to requests for comment, though as of press time, the company had already begun advertising its newest skin product, Super Mario Sunscreen.

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