New York, NY—

Fox News opinionator Laura Ingraham is the latest network personality to suffer consequences for saying terrible things.

After gleefully mocking high schooler and massacre survivor David Hogg for not getting accepted into his top choices of colleges, advertisers fled her show and Fox News sent her on a vacation from television.

Fox executives, however, are reeling from the endless controversies and advertising boycotts, and blame their network’s woes on snowflake liberals.

“America is turning soft,” said a Fox executive, who asked for anonymity to candidly and abrasively describe America. “This place used to be an awesome boys’ club, and now thanks to equal rights we gotta let women in. We even have to let in ugly women! And so what, Laura made fun of a teenaged mass shooting victim—what’s the big deal? These advertisers are wimps. They should just commit to Fox and continue paying us lots of money no matter what we say or do. It’s basically an infringement on our First Amendment rights that they’re abandoning us. Private companies should be allowed to decide on their own within the free market of advertising to not associate their brands with the toxic and unpopular messaging coming from our pundits’ mouths on a nightly basis. And, come on, making fun of a 17-year-old whose friends were murdered in front of him is hardly the worst thing we’ve ever done. Why are our advertisers fleeing Fox now when they stayed with us after we got caught repeatedly forcing our news people to use focus group-tested, conservative-slanted language to intentionally skew our viewer’s perceptions of current events with irrational bias? Or when we got caught editing Fox-related Wikipedia pages about Fox employees? Or when we got busted over and over for editing pictures of liberal media people to make them look more Jewish and sinister? Or when a study found that our viewers are less informed about US politics than people who watch no news at all? Or when we got caught manipulating video footage to misrepresent crowd sizes at various conservative-aligned rallies and protests? How is this Laura Ingraham scandal bigger than any of those? I swear, loser snowflakes are ruining this country. And Fox’s profits! I’m sick of suffering consequences for our lack of journalistic integrity. If you don’t like Fox, don’t watch us! We don’t need you! We have enough old, scared white people to continue dominating the ratings for a few more years until they all die off anyway. But stop asking our advertisers to spend their marketing money with integrity. It’s killing our bottom line!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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