Do I Really Have to Say This Again?

Ok, once more with feeling, pointing out bullshit behaviors under the umbrella of the word “Creep” is not demonizing male sexuality. It is pointing out bad behavior in a very inexact way.

I’ve said it before, I think that we should do away with the word “creep” in favor of more specific terms, like, “You haven’t looked up from my tits once since I met you,” “Your opener was ‘Nice rack!'” or “You used (any one of dozens of “pick-up lines” suggested by lad mags like Maxim and Stuff, which continue to convince me that those magazines are written by a bunch of dudes who can’t get laid and want to make sure no one else does either).”

Now, the biggest complaint about the word “creep” is that it’s supposedly only used by women on dudes.

This entire premise is wrong as fuck.

First, if you think men don’t call other men creepy on occasion, you obviously are not hanging out with men much. Most of the guys I know frequently call other guys creepy, or tell them to quit being creepy whether the creepiness is aimed at them or at surrounding women. Granted, they also tend to use more specific terms. Like when talking about guys who ogle other guys’ penises in the bathroom, they call them “meatgazers.” This is not a slam on homosexuals, this is a slam on a particularly creepy behavior by someone. I don’t care what your sexual orientation is, staring at someone else’s goodies when you haven’t been invited to do so is creepy. And guys feel totally justified in just saying, “Dude! Are you looking at my dick? What the fuck?” Whereas women are conditioned by our society not to yell, “Are you staring at my tits, you shitbag?”

Ok, for values of women not me.

Also, men call women creepy, too.

Oh, yes, they do. They’re less likely to come get a bouncer if a woman’s skeeving on them, but they do call women creepy with fair regularity.

I’m beginning to suspect that many of these people who object to the word “creep” just don’t hang out with very many other people in general, regardless of gender.

Seriously, how do you live without knowing that women get called creepy, too? Granted, part of this conundrum is solved when you realize that when many of the assholes bitching about “creep” say “women” what they mean is “female being I would like to fuck.” This categorization of “women” does not include the too unattractive, the too fat, the too old… When these assholes say that “women” don’t want to fuck them, they mean “Playboy bunnies and supermodels don’t want to fuck me.”

Ok, look. Homework for everybody.

Women, and girls, I want you to practice saying explicitly what someone is doing to make you uncomfortable. Really think about it when it happens. Are they staring at your tits? Do they drift off in conversation if someone younger/hotter walks by? Are they standing too close? Are they touching you without your permission? Are they using gross innuendos? Are you obviously underage and they are obviously over-age? Are they skeeving hard on you or a friend and pressuring you to go somewhere you don’t want to? Are they obviously trying to get you drunk? Are they trying to get you to leave your drink unattended with them for apparently nefarious purposes? Granted, it goes without saying that you should only confront them if you feel safe, otherwise just try to get away, but really think about what it is that’s bugging you about what they’re doing so that you can explain it later. Practice this, and be very explicit when you explain to friends what was wrong.

Guys, I want you to think about behaviors that make you uncomfortable (“meatgazing,” unwanted touching by anybody…) and think about if you do those behaviors or their equivalents to women. Do you stand to close to women? Do you touch women you don’t know without an invitation? Do you try to get women drunk? Do you ignore her “No’s” until she loses her shit at you for being a creepy stalker? Are you hitting on women who are substantially younger than you because you think they’ll be “easier?” Are you hitting on women substantially older than you for the same fucking reason?

Seriously, guys, if someone has done something to you that has ever made you go, “What the fuck?” I want you to think hard about if you’ve done it to another human being in a sexual manner.

Hell, think about the things you do to women on a regular basis and think about if you’d be ok if someone who was substantially bigger, stronger, (I very snottily want to put down “more well-nourished”) than you did them to you.

And actually, that second set of advice goes for some women, too. Not as many, because we are largely socialized to be passive about this sort of thing. But I have known some really aggressive women who have made guys uncomfortable with their “attentions.” Seriously. I just want everyone to think really hard about the shit they don’t like done to them, and then not do it to other people, ok?

Sorry, this was mostly all heteronormative, but I hope everyone understands that the last sentence is for everyone of all genders and orientations. If you don’t like it when someone does it to you, don’t do it to others.

Anecdote Corner! I’m just going to start doing this with every post, just a quick, related anecdote. Think of it as story time. Ok, so working at a nightclub, I used to work with this HUGE guy nicknamed B. He was about 6’7″ and a good 280, real solid and muscular. He had tattoos, facial piercings and was really hairy and went shirtless a lot. When he would notice some guy pulling that “invade her space” bullshit that the Pick Up Artist community tells them to do, he would go and do it to them. Suddenly it didn’t seem so, “Jokey Ha Ha!” when someone did it to them. Particularly when that someone really looked like he could and would force himself on them.

He’d do that for a few minutes, and about the time they were trying not to wet their pants, he’d say, “You don’t like this, do you?”

They’d shake their heads.

“She doesn’t like it either. Knock that shit off.”

And then he’d mosey back to his bouncer stool by the door, and glare out over the dance floor.

No one likes to feel weak, male or female.*

*Except in very specific, consensually negotiated circumstances that frequently involve safewords and check-in phone calls. But that’s another post.