Average Dude’s Take On Episode 2 Of The Bachelor

Corrine Is Provocative, She Gets The People Going

As much as it pains me, we have to start off by talking about Corrine. It’s tough because Corrine clearly wants people to be talking about Corrine more than anything. Her antics dominated the first group date of the season. This date featured pretty much all the real contenders in the house (minus God’s gift to the earth Danielle M.) partaking in wedding themed photo shoots with the most stereotypical photographer of all time.

His over-the-top Europeaness, mustache, plus use of the phrases “yassss”, “work it” and “give it to me” really got me thinking. Are we positive that this dude is legit? Seems too perfect. What if Corrine used some of her hard earned millions to bribe the most convincing photographer she could find on Craigslist as well as the producers? The girl knows no bounds when the rewards are camera time and sucking face with Nick.

Rico Suave (pictured above) deemed Corrine the “winner” of the date due to the bravery she demonstrated by taking her top off and going full on Janet Jackson during the shoot. This brave feat puts her in the same conversation as Seal Team 6 and firefighters IMO. Yes, her actions are way too extra; but they look more egregious because the rest of the girls on the date were strangely normal and actually wanted to make the most of their time with Nick. No one else really stood out.

The second half of the group date was a tough watch. It featured the girls getting to know Nick one by one. And by “getting to know”, I mean make out. Nick being an alien that best communicates through making out isn’t totally out of the question. Most girls kept raving about their connection even though most of them have spent more time jamming their tongues down his throat than conversing. Corrine is the best example here. She’s more attached to him than anyone and sports the highest make out/ boob grab to actual conversation ratio. Everyone has had way more than their daily dose of Corrine at this point. Still, she continued to hog the camera by interrupting multiple girls in order to see Nick. It’s impossible to make out all night, so she caught her breath by throwing a hissy fit over being interrupted once. She also cemented her status as the classic villain by stating “I’m not here to make friends.” It’s official, she’s this season’s Olivia; already registering a 9.5 on the Olivia scale, which measures likelihood of implosion and strange facial expressions.

I was really disappointed when Nick decided to reward Corrine with the group date rose. Wasn’t alone either as classy gals Vanessa, Raven, and Lacey began to question his motives. Seems like he is temporarily blinded by the glimmer of her platinum vajeen and sex appeal. She’s the type of girl your dad warns you about when you’re young. Boob grabs and make outs are always a good short term answer, no way she was gonna get eliminated this week. But even the best boobs and the platinumest of vajeens need to be attached to girl who has at least a slight sense of reality and maturity. No way Nick can be THAT much of a sex hound. We later learn that the girls are crying due to Nick’s sexual history with Liz not Corrine. This could mean he’ll see through the charade sooner than later. His reputation has come a long way since his last runner up finish. All the hard work by him and the producers would be worth nothing if he ends up sleeping with Corrine early.

God Bless Danielle M

I want Danielle M. to be my mom. She seems so sweet and caring. We’re only two episodes in and I’m already willing to place her above Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights for the top spot on my mom list. The solo date with Danielle M. had to be a breath of fresh air for Nick after being groped by Corrine. She looked stunning as they seemed to really enjoy each others company. They even engaged in deeper conversations. I love her existence on this planet and show, however, it raises some concern. There’s still 22 girls left, this is peak Bachelor. The time is now for crazies like Ashley S. from Chris’ season not knowing what planet she was on. Those girls inevitably get the early boot. The first few episodes need to be more of an audition tape for Bachelor in Paradise and companies looking for Instagram models than actual feelings and mushy shit.

This date also serves as a microcosm for why most Bachelor relationships fail. This was viewed as a laid back date yet it still featured a helicopter, yacht, and obviously a hot tub. No way that standard of dating can be kept once the show ends. They should be placed in more realistic situations like keeping your cool while figuring out where to eat dinner after your girlfriend says she “doesn’t care” but continues to shut down every idea.

The JV Squad Goes To The Breakup Museum

Let’s be real here, none of these girls have a shot at winning. This is not a bad thing though as these girls are typically selected by producers to provide the most entertainment. The girls had to act out breaking up with Nick. Which is what the kids call fun these days I guess. They seemed weirdly excited. It may be time to start worrying about the remainder of the season as this “fun” date was unbearably dull. Like Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off levels of dull. But apparently nothing can be as dull as Nick in bed. We learned this when Liz claimed there was a lot of “intermittent talking” during their fateful night. Yikes. The only redeeming part of this section of the show was the merciful dismissal of Liz and her cringe inducing behavior.

Liz dished all the details about her past sexual encounter and rejection of Nick in front of everyone. I’ve never banged someone and then proceeded to try to date that person on national TV so I’m not an expert in this field, however, I think it’s pretty safe to say she didn’t handle this properly. She had an uphill battle to fight by just appearing on the show. They obviously had some chemistry so a path to love wasn’t totally out of the equation if she could properly explain her actions. I can’t tell you what her motives for appearing on the show were in the slightest bit even though she dominated the screen over the second hour of air time. It was something like “I didn’t trust you because I wasn’t confident in myself” and then to never explained how things have changed. Growing up must be hard. Liz needs to be slightly thankful that Nick couldn’t stand being around her for one more second. There is a high chance Corrine would have gotten very murdery if the two of them were living under the same roof after this juicy info went public.