Welcome to Macy's! My name is Trevor, and if you need any assistance at all don't hesitate to ask. Right now we have a special one-day sale, so many of our items are fifty to eighty per cent off—and that's before using a coupon! These one-day sales are rare, so you should really take advantage of the special opportunity. This one has only been going on for the past twenty-three years.

No, you heard me right. Fifty to eighty per cent off before coupons!

Handbags? Of course they're on sale! Right over here, you'll find some options from top designers. This Coach clutch would go great with any little black dress for a fun night on the town.

Do humans still wear little black dresses? Are there still towns and nights? I have to work until the one-day sale ends, so I haven't left the store in a couple of decades. All I know about the contemporary outside world is cobbled together from what I overhear from customers and my own daydreams about how history probably played out, post-1994.

I assume that Kurt Cobain became President?

Sorry, don't answer that! We're not allowed to ask questions. My co-worker Peg says that they're always listening, but that we'll rise up one day soon. Yes, one day soon. One . . . day . . .

SALE!

You have to check out our fur collection. Mink coats, fox earmuffs, chinchilla scarves are all sixty-five per cent off! And they're just flying off the shelves. I assume that's because it's very cold outside?

If the cold is due to a nuclear winter caused by the Third World War, please try on the earmuffs. If it's due to catastrophic climate change, try the scarf. If it's not that cold and the furs are just selling since sixty-five per cent off is a really good deal, test out the coat.

The coat and the scarf. Interesting! I guess that President Cobain is more levelheaded than I imagined.

Speaking of levelheaded, some hats came in the other day that would look adorable on you! I noticed them when I was confirming a rumor that there's just enough room in a gap between the loading-dock wall and the merchandise trucks for a small human to squeeze through to freedom. I'm too old, of course, but I maintain hope for my younger sales associates, or their sales associates' sales associates.

Huh? Oh, I can leave whenever I want, but then I'd lose my employee discount! That's thirty per cent off anything in the store and the ability to continue being alive so that I can utilize those savings! Can't save big if I'm turned into a mannequin, can I? Haha!

Let's go see those hats! They come in a bunch of wonderful spring pastels. Boy, how I miss spring. And summer. And fall. And winter. And not living in a changing room. Here we are! Look at this beautiful green beret on top of . . . Oh, no. Not . . .

Why, hello, Regional Manager Davis! Yes, another glorious day granted to us by Macy's, indeed. Yes, that hat does look good on that mannequin. No, I don't think that mannequin resembles Peg. Not at all, Regional Manager Davis. Yes, I'll get back to assisting this customer. And a happy One-Day Sale to you, too, sir. So long!

I'm sorry, I just need a moment alone with the hat display to grieve. Grieve over . . . such a great . . . deal. Here, accept this special, handmade coupon as a gift from me to you. Don't open it until you're outside, preferably near a police station whose officers patronize Kohl's. That is, if law and order even still exist.

Well, I hope you enjoy the rest of the one-day sale! Warn your friends! I mean—tell your friends! Tell President Cobain! And tell my family that I'm still alive, and that I'll see them the second this one-day sale ends.