If you ask me, there are very few things in this world that can hold a candle to the purely awesome and cheesy horror flicks of the 80's. If I had to pick something else that has brought me the same level of amusement over the years, it's gotta be the equally cheesy action movies from the same decade. With that being said, it's high time I start covering some of my all-time favorites here on I-Mockery. Today, I would like to share with you an action movie that I consider to be one of the most underrated ones of all time: Cobra! You can usually find this movie in the "bargain bin" for 5 bux or less these days - a damned good deal considering what they try to pass off as an action movie these days. But for those of you who know little to nothing about this forgotten action gem, allow me to show you ten things that make "Cobra" one of the most underrated macho badass action movies of all time: #1: Marion Cobretti!

"Marion Cobretti" is quite possibly one of the greatest names ever created for a macho badass. Knowing that it sounds like a woman's name, he simply goes by the name "Cobra" to help instill fear into the hearts of his enemies, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a sense of humor about his real name. At one point in the movie he tells the woman he's trying to protect that he wishes he had a tougher name... like Alice. On top of that, he likes health food to the extent that he even tells his friend to try eating more prunes, raisins, fish and rice. See how secure he is in his manliness? That's what being a macho badass is all about. And just who is Cobra you ask? Cobra is an officer on "the zombie squad" which, according to this movie, is "the bottom line in police enforcement." So just think of him as the strong arm of the law who gets things done by any means necessary. And how about the killer combination of oversized reflective sunglasses and a match hanging out of his mouth? That's Cobra's trademark badass look. It doesn't matter where he is, the sunglasses and match are always in style. And yes, that match hanging out of his mouth actually does come into play later on in the movie when he uses it set some unlucky bastard on fire. But there's more to a macho badass than just his name and his looks. Actions speak louder than words, and Cobra is ALL about the action. When a maniac takes shoppers hostage inside a grocery store, Cobra doesn't panic. He's so relaxed that he chugs a beer right there in the store before playing mind games with the maniac. "Hey dirtbag, you're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots. You wasted a kid for nothing... now I think it's time to waste you." Cobra has tons of great lines like that in the movie, but one of them sticks out more than all the others combined. It's perhaps the best line ever to come from the lips of a macho badass: "This is where the law stops and I start, sssssssucka!" I'm sure, you just can't beat that. You couldn't beat that if you tried and you're only kidding yourself if you think you can. Actually, you know what? None of this stuff really even matters. Just look at the poster and all of your questions about just how badass this movie truly is should be answered in a heartbeat. Perfection. #2: The Car!

There's an old saying that a man is only as good as his ride. Whatever prick said that was probably beaten to death by an angry mob of Ford Pinto owners. Nonetheless, Cobra's car is the epitome of awesome. A solid black 1950 Ford Mercury. It's so awesome that even the license plate says "AWSOM 50" on it. And the seatbelts? They're not your average seatbelts, they're the kind of seatbelts you'd strap yourself into if you were a fighter jet pilot. But hey, it's probably a good thing he had those seatbelts, what with the nitrous switch and all. "Cobra's car contained a nitrous oxide system which enabled it to achieve a sudden and instantaneous boost, increasing the horsepower by 30 percent." Not too shabby, eh? Proving that the car handles well, Cobra does a 180 during a high speed chase and guns down the bad guys chasing after him. Hmm, maybe the old saying was a car is only as good as its driver. #3: The Axe-Clanking Club!

Goddamn, I can't tell you how awesome I thought this was when I was a kid. The bad guys in this movie constantly talk about "The New World" and how they're going to take over everything. Well part of this "New World" involves the club members meeting in some dingy old warehouse and clanking their axes in the air in perfect unison. They don't speak to each other, nobody says a damned thing. They just stand there, clanking their axes together in the air knowing that they will soon rule the world. How badass is that? Even better, they're apparently not exclusive like most clubs tend to be. It doesn't seem to matter if you're a psycho killer with huge muscles or a disgruntled, middle-aged balding businessman... all are welcome in the axe-clanking club! Fuck your fraternities and sororities, THIS is where it's at. #4: The Shirt Rip!

This has got to be one of the most amazingly random acts of badassness ever displayed on the big screen. After a gang member talks shit to Cobra for pushing his car out of the way, Cobra walks up to him and says, "Clean up your act," grabs the punk's shirt and tears it straight down and then walks away. How do you even react to something like that happening to you? I'll tell you how: you don't. You just stand there in awe, wishing you could be that awesome, but you know it'll never happen. Why? Because somebody far more awesome than you just tore the shirt right off your back, sucka. #5: Scissors vs. Pizza!

For the life of me, I cannot explain why Cobra cuts off the tip of a slice of pizza with scissors before eating it. I also can't explain why it's incredibly macho and badass either. It just is. When something makes no sense whatsoever in an action movie, chances are it was something extremely macho that you and I simply cannot comprehend. All you need to understand is that you'll never be that much of a badass. I guess it's not too surprising though. I mean, it's not like you or I keep an egg carton filled with gun oil in the freezer now do we. The man's fridge is tougher than us. God, we're all such pussies compared to Cobra... #6: The Montage!

No action movie is complete without the hero getting the other kind of "action" at some point. Cobra is no exception to that rule, but in this movie, they decide to go the extra mile by showcasing how much of a supermodel freak his woman is during a montage backed up by Robert Tepper's "Angel of the City". Granted, the song isn't nearly as good as "No Easy Way Out", but for what it lacks in that category, they try to make up for it with ridiculous outfits for her to model and.... robots. Yes, ROBOTS! Between shots of Cobra searching the streets for clues, the manly music of Robert Tepper and a model posing with robots for no apparent reason at all... you've got yourself one HELL of an action movie montage that you won't soon forget. #7: Cobra's Arsenal!

For the first half of the movie, Cobra uses two weapons: his fists and his gun. While it's hard to say which of these two are deadlier, his gun has been customized with a white ivory handle depicting, you got it... a COBRA. He blasts plenty of bad guys away with this gun that he keeps stored conveniently right in the front of his pants. You know, just above his other gun. When the bad guys keep trying to kill Cobra's woman, they decide to move her to a safe house. But Cobra isn't going unprepared. He's bringing something that packs a bit more of a punch... In addition to a plethora of grenades, Cobra packs an extra punch with a fairly unusual, more exotic weapon for an action movie hero to have: a JATI 9mm submachine gun. But it clearly serves him well as he becomes a one man army, and naturally, he adds a laser scope onto it for accuracy. And just like in all action movies, not one of the bad guys hits him with a single shot from their guns, but practically every shot that Cobra fires off kills somebody. Guess that laser scope of his really helps, eh? #8: The Night Slasher!

Another thing every good action movie needs is a really solid bad guy, and Cobra has a man known simply as "The Night Slasher". The media gave him that name because he's been slashing countless victims at night. Creative eh? Aside from looking absolutely psychotic and also moving with an eerie calm that's just waiting to turn into rage, the man has a fantastically evil baritone voice. While he doesn't speak much, when he does speak it's some truly great shit... "Let's bleed pig! I want your eyes pig! I want them! You wanna go to hell? Huh??? Huh pig!? You wanna go to hell with me? Doesn't matter, does it? We are the hunters! We kill the weak so the strong survive! You can't stop the new world. Your filthy society will never get rid of people like us! It's breeding them! We are the future!" Talk about somebody you'd want at your dinner party to strike up an interesting conversation with, eh? What's even better is that anytime he calls Cobra a "pig" he puts so much emphasis on the word that spits whenever he says it. And hey ladies, I'm pretty sure he's single. The Night Stalker enjoys quality conversation, long walks on the beach, and sharpening his knife. Which leads me to the next item on my list... #9: The Best Knife EVER!

Just look at that knife. Look at it! It's got a brass knuckles handle with spikes embedded on it and a huge curved blade with a skull embossed on its side. Stallone said he wanted a knife that audience members would never forget. Well I never forgot it and neither did anyone who saw this movie. This knife would've made Crocodile Dundee tuck tail and run for the hills. There are some fairly good reproductions of this knife out there, but I've yet to see any that have such an oversized blade like the one in the movie... and none of them have the skull embossed on the side. But hey, we can't all be the Night Slasher now can we? #10: The Final Showdown!

Naturally, with a badass like cobra and a total psychopath like the Night Slasher, there's going to be a big showdown. And can you think of a better place for the two of them to have a showdown at than in an old foundry surrounded metal pipes, chains, fire and pits of molten lava? Talk about a perfect scenario. So after their classic lines are delivered, the two of them go head-to-head in the fight of their lives. For a while, it looks as though the Night Slasher might overpower Cobra with his knife. But come on, this is Cobra we're talking about. He's not gonna go this far only to quit now. He manages to get back up on his feet and starts punching the hell out of the night stalker and then he finishes him off in truly classic macho badass style... He the Night Slasher up into the air and impales him on a giant metal hook that just happens to be passing them by. Now all the Night Slasher can do is flail his arms about and grip his big knife with rage as he slowly dies. But it doesn't end there. No sir. You can't just impale a psycho on a hook and call it a day. You have to make sure that hook happens to be traveling into a fiery abyss so that the psycho will not only suffer a death by impalement, but he'll be burned alive as well. You gotta send that psycho straight to hell and make sure he stays there. My friends, THIS is how you end a big action movie showdown. And there you have it. Cobra is a goddamned masterpiece of pure macho badass action cheese. I'll take classics like this over the modern "action" flicks starring WWE superstars any day. Modern action is a disease. Cobra is the cure. Have any questions or comments about this piece?

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