I'm afraid if you fail to file your Census form, you will not be counted amongst the general public. Since you're not counted, you don't exist. FEMA Exterminators are usually sent within 30 days of lack of filing of the Census forms and unless you're ready for Guantanamo listen carefully. This will take courage and initiative so be ready.

30 days is the minimum wait period but since Obama's been in office FEMA's been busy...they won't publicly say what but whatever the case may be, that'll probably delay your FEMA Directive 84F Title 2 file from being filed for at least 60 days. What you need to do now is get $10,424.99 hard cash...I don't care how, just get it.

Go to the nearest Post Office (avoid looking at cameras) and purchase the slowest possible A4 size envelope available. PAY IN CASH or you will be zero'ed in on in seconds by your credit or ATM cards.

Get hold of a Census form and fill it out completely. Date it one month prior to the due date of the Census.

You are to go to the following businesses and purchase the following products: Starbucks; one Moccachino, 2 sugars: Walmart, one pack of cigarettes, one BIC lighter, one slice of Chocolate cake, Entamens if you can find it; one Spanish to English dictionary; one BIC pen; one Sharpie, red; one Russian to English Dictionary; lip gloss, any color; Crayola crayons, 12 pack; one black shirt; one black Spandex pants; one pink bunny slippers (don't ask); Walgreens, Hydrogen Peroxide, 6% solution. PAY IN CASH ONLY.

Now you need to get mobile. If you still have your car keys with you DO NOT USE YOUR CAR and DO NOT go home. Place the keys in a stamped envelope and mail them to your house, that way when this is all over you can get back to normal.

Get a cab or take a bus to the nearest Internet Cafe. Use it to locate the nearest FEMA office. Make a note of it's location on paper. DO NOT check your email, your IP address will be picked up instantly. Take out the envelope and the products you purchased earlier. Drink some of the Coffee, you'll need the energy soon, and spill at least 100 mL on the Census form. Don't be too fancy. Next use the crayons, lip gloss, and a smudge of chocolate icing to roughen up the papers, make them look old. Use the Hydrogen Peroxide 6% solution to further blend the colors into damaged-looking paper.

Now use the Spanish-English dictionary to translate and transcribe words, this time with the pen, onto the Census. Write "Lost", "Unidentified", "misplaced", and "American" on various parts of the census. Use the Russian-English Dictionary to translate and transcribe "American", "lost mail", "some idiot from FEMA sent us this crud, use cheapest mail service to return". Write these with the Sharpie.

Go outside and have a smoke, it may be your last (if you don't smoke you may never get the chance again). Use the lit cigarette to mark up the paper, but DO NOT LIGHT IT ON FIRE, or burn significant holes through it.

This next stage will be by far the most dangerous. You must plant this inside the FEMA office nearest you at midnight as the night watchmen are changing shifts. This will be the only time the cameras are not watched for a period of exactly 2 minutes and 57 seconds.

Put on the black clothing and keep the bunny slippers at hand. Leave the cake slice near the entrance and wait for the guard to take the bait. Put the slippers on. When he bends over to pick it up, commence Kung-Fu fighting. Depending on your location, the guards' skill levels will be from negligible to amateur, and even a grand master will be distracted by the tightness of the spandex and the gayness of the slippers. You should have no problem defeating him.

Take the keys and enter the facility. Kung-Fu any guards which stand in your way. Locate the guards room. This is not only where the cameras are, but there should be a few donuts lying around. Eat at least one, you will need the energy. Find the office of the local FEMA special forces extermination squad and get there. You will have only 1 minute, 23 seconds left before more guards, aware of your presence, arrive, this time with guns locked and loaded.

Get to the office. The commander should be there, working late. Be warned, to be in this office is to be a master of Kung Fu. You must, however, defeat him before you may proceed. Engage the officer with all your strength and fortitude, that of a Kung Fu Legend. If possible, avoid getting within arms reach of him for more than 3.26 seconds or you will receive the Confucious Tittie Twister of Time, which is standard in FEMA Kung Fu training nowadays and is highly effective in sedating the opposition with blinding pain. Nevertheless, you must overcome with tenacious bravery and courage.

Once you have defeated this Kung Fu master, place the envelope with the census form in it on his desk. Write on the outside of the envelope a private message: "Relevant document to non-filer (your name) found, it was sent to Spain, Chile, and Russia in the New Orleans ice trucks by mistake."

Place the census in the envelope, take off your slippers and swap them for the Kung Fu Master's shoes, and leave. You have 18 seconds before the other guards arrive.

Go back to the security room, prop one of the guards up against the camera controls, and spill liquid (if there are no coffee or water dispensers, you'll just have to make do with your own) all over the controls. This should fry the camera memory boards. Leave immediately.

Locate and acquire your chocolate cake slice on your way out.

Eat. Enjoy. In 24 hours time the FEMA Kung Fu fighting extermination team will be called off and the local commanding Kung Fu Master will know for sure that his duel with the Spandex and bunny slipper-wearing foe had to be some crazy dream. You're free to go!