Church Announces: "Sarah Palin Week" NATIONAL NEWS: Sarah Palin Week Extravaganza Festivities, Events, and More: Freehold, Iowa - Freehold, Iowa - "I do hereby declare the last week of October, Sarah Palin Week," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday morning. "There will be prayer meetings, special events, chaste flirting, educational sessions, luncheons, invitation dinners, sermons, classes for children and services dedicated to all things Sarah Palin," he continued. "Please be sure to pick up several copies of the $58 Sarah Palin Week Souvenir Brochure in the main lobby after services today. We expect 100% participation from every member of this church. If you're not slung up in a hospital somewhere, pooping your Jell-O out into a Tupperware commode like poor John McCain last week, you had better show your face as we honor this lovely woman. But let's make something clear: We are venerating Sister Sarah, not worshipping her. I'm not entirely sure what that distinction is, but you hear it from those lying Cath-a-holics all the time. The thing is, unlike them, we mean it. And also note that in order to maintain our tax-exempt status, this special Christian week to honor a person we love and care about very deeply should in no way sway your decision in regard to what party or which person you will be voting for this upcoming election. Friends, there are plenty of unspoken incentives already in place to protect you from pulling a leaver in a voting booth this November in such a way that it becomes a slip-latch to the gates of Hell! Oh Glory! Schedule of Events:

Sarah Palin Week

Landover Baptist Church, Freehold Iowa

Please Note: Events and Prices Could Change Without Notice Sunday 3 P.M. - Sarah Palin Moose and Elk Meat Alaskan-Style Barbecue. The buffet will offer all of Sarah Palin's favorite home cooked recipes including her famous sweet Bear Claw dessert. 5 P.M. Dedication of the Bristol Palin Christian Quarantine Facility for Famous Unwed Teenage Mothers on Freedom Avenue . 7 P.M. Special Sarah Palin Sermon in Main Sanctuary: "And God Said, It's Time to Put a Pretty Face in the White House" Pastor Deacon Fred preaching. 9 P.M. Sarah Palin Endangered Species Pelt Raffle Sister Sarah will raffle off 1,800 sq. yards of wall-to-wall carpeting for your den or rumpus room made from the bleached pelts of infant polar bears she has chased around the ice and shot in the face with a machine gun from the Governor's hovering helicopter. Monday 9 A.M. Sarah Palin Christian Prayer Breakfast in the new Cindy McCain Banquet Hall and Pharmacy at the Landover Baptist Resort and Hotel on Waterwalk Avenue, to the left as you turn right on highway 7 at the Red Sea World exit. 2 P.M. Sarah Palin Live Animal Skinning Demonstration. Church members should bring old or unwanted pets, stray cats or livestock animals so they can follow along with Sister Sarah and the Landover Ladies as they perform a step-by-step authentic wilderness animal skinning survival demonstration on a deer Pastor's limousine pinned up against a pine tree last night. Everyone will then have their own clumps of animal flesh and fur as Sarah and her husband, Todd will teach us later how to stitch together an authentic Eskimo fire-water pouch. 7 P.M. Sarah Palin Fashion Show - Sponsored by Wal- Mart and the Burlington Coat Outlet- West Lawn Invitation Only. 8 P.M. Sarah Palin addresses the fine Christian ladies of Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers. Sarah will demonstrate techniques used by the Eskimos in her hometown to get a child to fall quickly to sleep. Please bring a rag, some kerosene and a hipflask of vodka. Tuesday 8 A.M. Sarah Palin Plenary Session - "Rebellious Children, God's Blessing and Satan's Curse" 10 A.M. Sarah Palin Fertility Clinic Grand Opening - 18 Soul Winner's Lane between the Chick-fil-A and the House of Laura Bush Pantsuit Emporium. 2 P.M. Sarah Palin Tea on the Meadow with Landover Ladies (discussion will be relegated to making ONLY POSITIVE remarks about Sister Sarah's children. If in doubt, a 17-page, single-spaced list of forbidden topics is available as a guide to the less naturally tactful next to the last ATM to the right in the main lobby. All copies of this list must be returned to Pastor for burning before our guest arrives). 7 P.M. Sarah Palin Hour of Imprecatory Prayer - Church members will dedicate one hour of prayer to all matters concerning Sister Sarah and against the principalities of darkness who would see any ill will toward her. A note from our Jewish lawyers: No VOCALIZED death threats will be permitted. Wednesday 9 A.M. Voter's Registration Card Exchange - Church members drop off free Popeye's Fried Chicken Meals and pick up voter's registration cards from poor families in Des Moines who don't know how to vote correctly 12 P.M. Sarah Palin Back to School Lunch. Parents of Saved children age 4-18 will meet their kids for lunch to hear a special message about Sarah Palin and her views on Creation Science Education over the intercom, including tales her great-granddaddy told her about the day he crossed paths with a friendly Tyrannosaurus Rex on the way back from the fishing hole. Lunch will consist of Sarah Palin's Alaskan Salmon recipe, acorn muffins and home made Republican grown applesauce. 9 P.M. The Books Sarah Palin and Jesus Want You to Burn - This annual event was formerly called, "The Harry Potter Book Burning" This year we are going to burn all of the books Sarah Palin hates. See any Christian public school principal in your district for a full list. Thursday 10 A.M. Sarah Palin Witnessing Tips and Sarah Palin Recipe Exchange - The Landover Ladies will hold a session in the West Chapel to discuss ways to share the message of Christ and Sarah Palin with unsaved friends and loved ones. Recipes will be exchanged after witnessing methods are exhausted. 2 P.M. Sarah Palin Casualwear Line Unveiled at Landover Christian Mall 5 P.M. Sarah Palin Big Country Diner Opens with ribbon cutting ceremony on South Jesus Blvd. 7 P.M. Sarah Palin's Favorite Bible Verses - A teaching sermon in the main sanctuary - Brother Harry Hardwick presenting 9 P.M. Sarah Palin Reprisal and Redemption Dual Ceremony: As most of you know, Heather Hardwick's second scullery maid Lavoris was raped 7 months ago by Jasper Lionel Washingtun. To celebrate the Culture of Life, Sister Sarah Palin will strike the Golden Gavel of Judgment, simultaneously signaling to Mr. Washintun's guard to hang him from the giant sycamore tree -- and for Miss Lavoris' doctor to induce labor. In this glorious moment of righteousness, when both scream the Lord's name in vain and pain, we will see the swift hand of God's judgment at the same time we see the generous hand of His love, as a 13 year-old girl joyously gives birth to her dying rapist's child. Talk about a Kodak moment! Don't miss this Amazing True Christian™ event! Friday 10 A.M. Sarah Palin Look-A-Like and Sarah Palin Costume Contest - This contest serves as a fun Christian alternative to Halloween and will be held separately in six school gymnasiums throughout the Freehold, Iowa area. 12 NOON Mothers of Landover hosts a luncheon to honor Sarah Palin. Palin's special address: "Picking a day each month when you will see one of your children." 3 P.M. Todd Palin and Levi Johnston Hockey Lessons - Interested youths will need to sign up a week in advance - The event takes place at the Landover Baptist Ice Arena in Mountain View . Young ladies will not be permitted to be with Levi unchaperoned. 7 P.M. Sarah Palin Baptism of the Holy Spirit - Feet Hot For Jesus Pentecostal Revival - Although not mandatory for Landover Baptist Church members, we will be sponsoring the event for friends at the Assemblies of God who will allow us to record "tongues" events for Creation Science research and gag-reel, belly-laughs for the Board of Deacons Retreat later this Fall. Miss Palin will sing a naughty sea shanty entirely in tongues. Saturday 7 A.M. Sarah Palin Center for Creation Science Research - Ribbon Cutting Ceremony and Dedication. 10 A.M. Sarah and Todd Palin Christ-Centered Animal Hunting Tips - Sarah and Todd will share how their love of the Lord and their love of killing helpless animals makes for a fantastic spiritual experience. They will spend an afternoon praying and killing with members of the Landover Baptist Christian Gun Association. 11: AM A greased-salmon catch in the main baptism pool. 12 P.M. Sarah Palin 2K a Plate Alaskan Lunch - Limited to 30 Seats, Sarah Palin with be thawing and microwaving her favorite Hungry Jack ™ meals. 3 P.M. Barack "Sambo" Obama Effigy Burning and Dedication. Sarah Palin Rifle Range. Mrs. Palin will light the match at 3:15 PM SHARP! 7 P.M. Sarah Palin Eyewear Center Dedication - Free Sarah Palin glasses for first 100 to arrive Sunday 9 A.M. Sarah Palin Themed Morning Church Service - Sarah Palin's favorite hymns will be sung, her favorite Bible verses read, 10 children of unwed mothers will be rebuked and then baptized, the sermon - "Sarah Palin is Almost as Popular As Jesus -- and Prettier!" will be preached by Pastor Deacon Fred. Pastor will close Sarah Palin week with a benediction thanking God for the gift of Sarah Palin to Christian America and asking church members to dedicate one day out of each month of their lives to talking, sharing, believing, hoping and praying about Sarah Palin.









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