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Noted logician, theologian, and climate scientist Rush Limbaugh has issued a philosophical treatise on religion and climate change, proving that if you believe in God you cannot believe in anthropogenic global warming. Why? Because John Kerry animal rights activists mice rats barbecue pits SUVs and what about a fetus? QED.

Here, I listened to this stupid noisebox so you don’t have to:

John Kerry, our esteemed secretary of state, said that climate change is our challenge, a challenge to our responsibilities as the safeguarders of God’s creation. The safeguarders — it would obviously be safeguardians. The safeguarders.

Nope, bzzt, wrong, neither of you knows words. It would obviously be SAFEGUARDS, you dumb cluck. I’ll give John Kerry a pass on this one because he’s not turning his nose up at someone else’s word choice while simultaneously being approximately as literate as a Q-tip. (The hygiene item, not the hip hop artist, who I’m sure is worlds more intellectual than Rush Limbaugh.)

So John Kerry says that climate change is a challenge to our responsibility as the safeguarders of God’s creation. What about God’s creation called a fetus, Secretary Kerry, what is your responsibility as a safeguarder there?

Did you get whiplash just then? Well, put some Tiger Balm on it quickish, because he’s about to jerk the wheel again.

See, in my humble opinion, folks, if you believe in God then intellectually you cannot believe in manmade global warming.

OK, the word “intellectually” really does not belong in this discussion.

You must be either agnostic or atheist to believe that man controls something he can’t create.

Like land. God, the immense hubris of believing you can control a piece of the earth, which you did not make! From now on, only agnostics and atheists get to own property. Religious folks must take up a lantern and wander the earth as God intended. (Please be sure to make your own lantern.)

It’s always in fact been one of the reasons for my anti-manmade global warming stance. The vanity of these people — on the one hand, we’re no different than a mouse or a rat, if you listen to the animal rights activists.

Rush, they weren’t talking about the whole human race with that “no different from a rat” thing. They were only talking about you.

We are pollutants of this planet. If it weren’t for humanity, the militant environmentalist wackos, if it weren’t for humanity the earth would be pristine and wonderful and beautiful and nobody would see it. According to them, we’re different, we are not as entitled to life on this planet as other creatures because we destroy it. But how can we destroy it when we’re no different than the lowest lifeforms?

<cut to Rush holding two Barbies wearing blouses with “MILITANT ENVIRONMENTALIST” on them>

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“I’m just like a rat or mouse or other low lifeform!” “Oh yeah? Well you’re different from all other life on this planet!” “Well how can I be different when I’m just like a mouse or a rat?” <dolls make out>

<radio intern enters>

“Mr. Limbaugh, have you …”

“WHAT DID YOU SEE?”

“Nothing, sir! I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again!”

And then on the other hand the vanity and the arrogance — we are so powerful and we are so impotent, uh, omnipotent

Just gonna leave this here.

that we can destroy… we can’t even stop a rainshower but we can destroy the climate.

It’s absurd! It’s like saying someone who can’t even take apart a carburetor can still wreck a car.

And how? With barbecue pits and automobiles, particularly SUVs. It’s absurd.

Barbecue pits: definitely the main concern of the modern environmental movement.

But nevertheless the esteemed secretary running around saying that climate change is our responsibility as the safeguarders of God’s creation.

I do thank Rush for evoking the image of John Kerry “running around,” which of course puts me in mind of this photo:

I will never stop laughing at that photo.

Just ask him, what about God’s creation called a fetus?

Yes, Rush, I think you made that point admirably.

Anyway, there you have it, folks. If you believe in God, you can’t believe in global warming, because I’ve seen mice and rats, Mr. Secretary, and you’re no fetus. Tune in next week, when Rush explains why people who love their mothers can’t support gay marriage because we didn’t come from monkeys and make me a sandwich.