“Music is … A higher revelation than all Wisdom & Philosophy” ― Ludwig van Beethoven

Throughout history, many artists have personified these wise words. Beethoven himself. Mozart. Tchaikovsky. Williams. McCartney. Yankovic.

All of the aforementioned titans of tune, if given the chance to meet together and conference, would quickly agree that no single group nor artist has ever reached the heights that three women from Oakhaven, Massachusetts did. Indeed, if music truly is the higher revelation of which Ludwig spoke, no one revealed it higher than the Hex Girls.

Dusk, Thorn, and Luna, pictured in 1999

Officially classified as an “eco-goth” rock trio, Thorn (lead vocals, guitar), Luna (keyboards, backing vocals) and Dusk (percussion, backing vocals) wasted no time transcending their niche genre and rocking their way into hearts everywhere. Known for their signature style and penchant for danger and controversy, The Hex Girls have made an indelible print on the music industry.

Many of the world’s premier music critics have tried and failed to analyze the Hex Girls. Indeed, how does one describe the taste of fire, or the sight of the pitch black night? When I told my brother I would be attempting to write this piece, he begged me to reconsider. “It is nothing but pure folly,” he said, “to attempt to write about those wonderfully witchy women.” What I said to him I say to all; folly, thy name is Nicholas.

After a lifetime of extensive research, I present what I believe will one day be viewed as my magnum opus. A definitive ranking of every known Hex Girls recording.

13. What’s New Scooby-Doo

Although I have ranked the Girls’ cover of “What’s New Scooby-Doo” at the bottom of the list, it still would have the power to top all but the most talented of artist’s catalog. Simply put, there are nothing but “certified bangers” on this list.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txsCM6QtEEc

It would be impossible to untangle The Hex Girls’ history from that of renowned mystery solvers, Mystery Incorporated. Mystery Inc. has been involved in at least 457 cases (author estimate), a staggering amount that that makes other great detectives look small by comparison. This notoriety led to a Simple Plan penned and performed tribute song, “What’s New Scooby-Doo.” Legend has it that when front-man Pierre Bouvier (recipient of the Canadian monarchy’s Meritorious Service Cross) heard the Hex Girls’ cover version, he was catatonic for two weeks.

12. Zoinks

While still an absolute banger of a song, “Zoinks” gets my vote as the weakest of the Hex Girls originals, and certainly the weakest of the songs directly inspired by Mystery Inc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqcG3FkS86U

The decision to sample various catchphrases of Norville “Shaggy” Rogers, is a questionable one. Nevertheless, the themes of doing whatever you can in the face of great fear still resonate today.

11. Scooby Snacks

Another solid effort from the “Scooby-Centric” era. Perhaps some context is needed to understand why the girls were intent on using a group of mystery solvers as their muse. In the early days of their career, the Hex Girls played mostly locally in their hometown of Oakhaven, MA. During this era, a disturbance was raised by another local celebrity, horror author Ben Ravencroft. Although exact circumstances are still debated today, it’s said that the Hex Girls and Mystery Inc. combined to stop Ravencroft’s involvement in witchcraft.

The girls’ music of the era reflects their admiration and gratitude to the young group of sleuths, particularly for their dog and his preferred brand of snack.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSeve5kK0go

10. It’s a Mystery

Long rumored to have been inspired by the man behind the so-called “Witch’s Ghost” incident in Oakhaven, Ben Ravencroft, “It’s a Mystery” continues to serve as an anthem for the allure of dark, mysterious partners. Though she has never commented publicly, Velma Dinkley of Mystery Inc. was rumored to be connected to Ravencroft at the time. Given her proximity to the Hex Girls at the time, it seems to this author that the rumors are likely true.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKjLnYpPNNQ

“It’s a Mystery” brings an air of mystery and moodiness to it typical of all the girls’ greatest songs.

9. Those Meddlin’ Kids

“Those Meddlin’ Kids” is easily the strongest of the “Scooby-Centric” trio of songs that emerged after the “Witch’s Ghost” incident.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLLnUSE7QNY

Complete with a warbling, spooky keyboard part played to perfection by Luna, “Those Meddlin’ Kids” plays on a common insult typically directed toward the sleuths in Mystery Inc. The girls triumph in taking this aspersion, flipping it on it’s head, and turning it into the ultimate tribute to their friends.

8. Wanna Wed but I Fled

“Wanna Wed but I Fled” immediately established itself as an anthem for women who feel pressured by societal marriage norms as soon as it was released. The song is oft remembered for it’s iconic music video featuring Thorn, Luna and Dusk as brides. Many a young boy’s (and girl’s) heart was broken by the Hex Girls’ commitment to independence and self-reliance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_gxaqFD-lk

The song itself moves along at a frenetic pace, as if simulating the racing thoughts of a woman making the choice to leave a no good man at the altar. Thorn’s guitar work is relentless, and Dusk drums like a woman possessed. In total, “Wanna Wed but I Fled” earns it’s place in the pantheon of girl power rockers.

7. Who Do Voodoo?

During the height of their powers, the Hex Girls were invited to open the infamous Vampire Rock Festival in rural Australia. “Who Do Voodoo?” was one of two new songs the band took to the land down under.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8neMrrjX8T4

“Who Do Voodoo?” features a rumbling, captivating beat from Dusk with all the girls combining for the catchy, sing-song, call-and-response chorus. The initial performance of “Who Do Voodoo?” was famously marred when the girls were brazenly kidnapped mid-performance while the audience assumed it was part of the act. Thanks to an assist from (who else?) Mystery Inc., the plot was unraveled and the Hex Girls made a triumphant return to the stage.

6. The Witch’s Ghost

“The Witch’s Ghost” was of course written immediately following the aftermath of the “Witch’s Ghost” incident in Oakhaven, MA, and is one of the singles that helped propel the girls to stardom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4GWg64icyk

While the verses maintain a flirtatious, informative tone, they soon give way to the terror of the chorus: “It’s the witch’s ghost/She’s the one we fear the most.” The tortured lyric and delivery by Thorn is enough to send a chill down the spine of the most hardened man. As stated before, the exact nature of the “Witch’s Ghost” incident remains unclear, but “The Witch’s Ghost” reveals a hint of the trauma that the girls must have gone through.

5. Trap of Love (Ft. Daphne Blake)

“Trap of Love” is unique among Hex Girls songs as the only one to not feature the indomitable vocals of Sally McKnight, AKA Thorn. Instead, “Trap of Love” features a guest vocal by Mystery Inc. member Daphne Blake.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5ezpBKEdAE

Though Ms. Blake sings, make no mistake. “Trap of Love” is as Hex Girls as Hex Girls songs can get. Credit Thorn for writing the perfect song for Ms. Blake’s unique romantic entanglements, and for briefly transforming Ms. Blake’s good-girl image into that of a true Hex Girl named Crush. With steady keyboards from Luna and a wailing guitar from Thorn, this is a true classic.

The song itself features some of Thorn’s most biting lyrics, inspired by Ms. Blake’s tumultuous, off-and-on-again relationship with Fred Jones, de facto leader of Mystery Inc. Jones, one of the world’s most cunning booby trap enthusiasts, sees his love of complicated traps flipped around to ensnare himself and his fear of commitment. Was it effective? Have a look at Jones’ reaction to the first live performance:

4. Good Bad Girls (Battle with Rude Boy and the Ska-Tastics)

“Good Bad Girls,” like many of the best Hex Girls songs, comes with a fair amount of controversial backstory due to it’s connection to an event of mass hysteria in Crystal Cove. To hear the residents tell it, the town was under a literal mind control due to the musical stylings of Rude Boy and the Ska-Tastics, a ska band long thought dead. Legend has it that the Hex Girls, conveniently in the area to play for a wealthy sheikh, stopped to engage Rude Boy in a battle of the bands for the city’s very soul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0Bjl2x1ZMw

Whatever the truth of the incident (and this author leans toward the camp of elaborate publicity stunt for both bands), “Good Bad Girls” is nothing short of pure weaponized Hex Girls attitude. All three women combine for the climactic, shouted chorus of “We’re the good bad girls/We’re the good bad girls/We’re the bad good girls/Don’t push ’til ya’ run outta’ luck.” The wordplay effortless describes what it is to be a Hex Girl, and the simplicity of the structure belies the depth and power of the rocker.

Regardless of what really happened in the Crystal Cove incident, there is one fact that all historians and witnesses can agree on: the Hex Girls’ “Good Bad Girls” left Rude Boy and the Ska-Tastics utterly defeated.

3. Get Away, Get Away (Yeah)

Though it was released as the B-side of “Who Do Voodoo?” in the lead-up to the Vampire Rock Festival. Though initially dismissed (unfairly, I might add) by some critics as “cartoon chase music,” “Get Away, Get Away (Yeah) has stood the test of time, carried by it’s sense of tension and motion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzHrWQgr2PE

So much more than a mere “chase song,” “Get Away, Get Away (Yeah)” speaks of themes common to all listeners, such as the desire to escape one’s problems, the inevitability of disappointment, and the feeling of running out of time. Indeed, which of us can claim that we don’t have our own, personal “spooky goons” and “creepy creatures” coming for us. We are all “running cause [we’re] outta’ time.”

2. I’m a Hex Girl

The song that launched officially launched the career of what would become the most legendary rock trio of all time: “I’m a Hex Girl.” The song begins with a verbal command from Thorn to “hit it sisters!” One has to wonder if these young women understood at the time that by “hitting it,” they would be changing the world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fP-ajsoiwHw

Thorn’s chunky guitar lick, followed by the prophetic opening lyric of “I’m gonna cast a spell on you” kicks off the beginning of a new era. With talk of “cobweb potions,” “spells,” and “you’re gonna do what I want ya’ to,” one thing was clear from the get go; the Hex Girls were indeed here, and music from that point onward belonged to them.

Perhaps inspired by other introductory songs such as the Monkees’ appropriately titled “Hey Hey We’re the Monkees,” “I’m a Hex Girl” served not only to introduce the band to the world, but to also give voice to millions of young girls who were different, like their idols.

1. Earth, Wind, Fire and Air

All of the world’s greatest artists have their signature pieces. Beethoven had his “5th Symphony,” Brian Wilson his “Good Vibrations,” and Toto their “Africa.” For the Hex Girls this masterwork is certainly “Earth, Wind, Fire and Air.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJDaaCtJ85c

“Earth, Wind, Fire and Air” effortlessly establishes the band’s central mission of environmental responsibility. In classic Hex Girls confidence, they chant together that “we may look bad but we don’t care.” Many observers would politely disagree with that sentiment. The line “We ride the wind we feel the fire/To love the earth is our desire” is rumored to have even halted global warming for an entire year.

The powerful, pleading message is backed with masterful individual performances from the girls. The subtle cracking of Thorn’s voice imbues the song with powerful ethos, as the listener can’t help but feel the sincerity and gravity of the message. “Earth, Wind, Fire and Air” certainly marks her greatest vocal performance. Luna plays a unique, almost imperceptible keyboard part, and delivers a rhythm guitar so steady entire nations could be built upon it. Dusk plays a drum line worthy of the Earth itself that anchors the entire work.

To quote an anonymous critic, “to hear the chant of “Earth! Wind! Fire and Air!” is to nearly hear the voice of God.” With “Earth, Wind, Fire and Air,” the Hex Girls have achieved a work of musical perfection unparalleled by any other.

*Author’s note: The Hex Girls have not made any public appearances since 2013. If anyone reading this has the ability to make contact, please deliver this message: Girls, we need you, now more than ever. Please return to lift our spirits and inspire us once more.*

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