More numbers

I know you’ve said before that for most people in a poly relationship, there’ll be a time where his/her partner has more luck than they do to find partners, but it’s definitely harder out there for men in the dating scene, even though there are plenty of poly girls out there into guys. What gives?

Warning: Some generalization ahead. I will assume anyone looking to date is willing to travel some distance or lives in a town with an existing poly scene, or is at least on OKCupid.

You’re not just imagining this. Women get taught to be more passive in dating (regardless of whether they are mono or poly), and let men do the pursuing. If, as a man, you’re looking for a partner, you really need to go and look and pursue, whereas a woman* can, so to speak, sit back and wait for the men to flock towards her.

Don’t just go after any and all girls who are single if you’re looking for a non-primary partner. Monogamous single girls are unlikely to be interested in a guy who already has a girlfriend, even if you manage to explain that your girlfriend is fine with you dating other people, really, she does too.

Most poly women, on the other hand, will be partnered. They may not even be looking for another guy. There is a big overlap between poly and bi women, and a lot of guys have a lot less issues with jealousy if their female partner is dating another woman (this is known as the one-penis policy).

Go look for poly women, and make sure you look for people who are looking for the amount of time and attention you have to give. It will take longer for you to find someone simply because there is a smaller pool for you to fish in.

So, yes, it will be harder for you to find someone out there. Are you out there? I mean, really out there.

Do you go to events and socialize?

There are many conventions and meet-ups out there for poly people. They aren’t just there as meat markets but yes, people find new partners there, and new friends who can introduce them to new partners.

Do you take care of yourself?

I don’t care if you’re overweight or no longer 21 or whatever. But you do need to take care of yourself – plenty of people in relationships will let themselves go because they are with someone they no longer need to physically impress and seduce.

Last but not least,

Ask your partner for help.

Partners make the best wingmen. Apart from anything else, her helping you find someone may make her feel less insecure and threatened because she had some control and input in the whole process.

*Assuming she is a cis-gendered, straight or bi woman without children or disabilities.