As seen in the leaked PowerPoint presentation [download here] three iconic colourways will reportedly be available: ‘Springwater’, ‘Triple Chilli’ and ‘Lemon Prepper’. A vegan-themed version made from corduroy underpants worn by Sean Wotherspoon was rejected when he recently self-reported for having ‘no history or nostalgic feeling for anything with Three Stripes’.

As seen in the PPT, ‘Can-idas’ Superstars are hermetically sealed in aluminium cans impregnated with activated carbon neutralisers, while a medical-grade HEPA filter eliminates all external contaminants. The macroidiotic innovation – supplied by Zimmerman, the Bavarian brothers best known for weisswurst sausage – involves lightly coating deadstock Superstars with DNA-spliced Scotchgard. Integrated Trefoil pull-tabs allow easy opening but, once the seal is broken, the shoes must be laced up within 48 hours. Previous experiments with BOOST-lined titanium jars looked promising, but the cost was deemed ‘prohibitive’ by adidas CFO, Harm Ohlmeyer.

Early reports suggest the Superstars will be perfectly preserved inside ‘Can-idas’ packaging for at least 50 years. The symbolic timeframe seems to be a nod to the model’s golden anniversary this year. If true, it means 2020 Superstars would still be fit for human consumption in 2070, the 100th anniversary of the Superstar. #mindsblown

An accessories range that includes anti-fungal adidas toe sanitiser and ‘Triple Wipe’ tissue paper that doubled as ‘bungwad’ is also on the cards. If the latter proves to be true, it may confirm Reddit rumours that adidas CEO Kasper Rørsted is a committed corporate prepper.

The ‘Preserved Pair’ concept was originally connected to Donald Glover, who fell out with adidas over his upcoming ‘Fresh is Best’ range of co-branded Tupperware. Jonah Hill’s name was also highlighted in the leaked PPT file. The two-time Oscar nominee famously drank tuna spinal fluid and confessed to Action Bronson that he had a ‘bonito mouth boner’ in Manhattan, so anything with a kinky pescatarian theme does seem possible.

Limited to just 500 pairs, the ‘Can-idas’ Superstar will reportedly be available on a first-come-first-served basis, with a strict two-can limit only from adidas.com. A wider release is planned for later in the year.