If I decide to make my trip by bus, what time should I get to Port Authority?

The first rule of long-distance bus travel is this: your bus ticket is for a chance at a seat on the bus, not a seat itself. If you arrive fifteen or twenty minutes in advance of your departure—the way you might, say, for a journey by train—the bus will already be full, as buses are routinely oversold, and you will need to wait two or three hours for the next bus. You’ll do best to arrive at Port Authority three to four hours in advance, so you can be at the head of the line at the gate.

Either way, it sounds as if I’ll be spending a lot of time in Port Authority.

Fortunately, Port Authority is much better than it used to be. The runaway teens and prostitutes have gone somewhere else, so it’s less tragic. On the downside, it’s duller.

Also, keep in mind that there are no seats at the gates, so you will be sitting on the floor, against the wall, with your fellow-passengers. You might well want to bring something to put on the very dirty floor beneath you—an old towel or newspaper should do the trick. If you can find your old “sit-upon”—the cushion you made in Girl Scouts long ago—you’ll finally have an occasion to use it.

Where should I sit on the bus?

The best seats on the bus are the second row from the front. This way you’ll have a great view of the road ahead as your embark on your journey. This can feel exciting, even exhilarating, reminding you of school field trips to Mystic Seaport or Sturbridge Village. Later, you’ll find your proximity to the driver allows you to ask him how many more hours the trip will take.

Do keep in mind that the very first row of seats are reserved for the driver’s lunch and jacket and for the elderly or handicapped.

If I forget that the front row is reserved for the elderly or handicapped, will I have to sit next to a mean old lady who hooks her aluminum cane on my side of the barrier in front of us so that it clangs against my legs?

Yes, you will.

If I ask her very nicely to move the cane to her side of the barrier, will she do it?

No. She will pretend to be deaf, or dead, and continue staring straight ahead.

If there is very heavy traffic on the Interstate, will we be taking an alternate route?

Absolutely. But you won’t be taking any “parkways,” because commercial vehicles aren’t allowed on parkways. You will be taking a variety of surface roads. For example, if you are travelling to Cape Cod, you will avoid I-95 not by way of the Merritt Parkway but, rather, by first crossing into New Jersey, then proceeding by way of the Delaware Water Gap. The final lap of your trip will be to traverse several New England states from west to east. What you may find interesting is how big New England is. For example, you’ve probably never thought of Connecticut as a large, still-rural state. But it is. Crossing it is like crossing Indiana—it goes on forever.

Will the bus driver be making any rest stops for passengers to go to the bathroom or get refreshment?

This is entirely up to the driver. A nice driver will stop every four hours or so. A less pleasant one (Tom) will not, and will wait until the passengers practically stage a mutiny before he pulls into a Dunkin’ Donuts. Then, remarkably, he will start to drive out of the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot while several women are still inside, causing a small stampede out of the ladies’ room. One passenger will actually be left behind.

Will it be the old lady?

No. The old lady is a Holocaust survivor, and trusts no one. She would never leave the bus in the first place.

All in all, then, how much time will a trip to Cape Cod take me?

Whenever Bus Advisor is asked this question, we say, “Well, how much time do you have?” It’s a humorous remark, but, like all jokes, there’s truth in it. Our recommendation for all bus travel is to let go of all of your received notions about time—“Time is money,” “Time is precious,” and the like. Instead, tell yourself this: “My time is without value.” Not in a self-pitying, loser-ish way, not at all—rather, in a freeing, nothing-left-to-lose way. Only then you will be able to relax, to turn yourself over to the endlessness of it all.

So how many hours will it take me to get to Cape Cod?

By Cape Cod, do you mean the Bourne Bridge, where the Cape begins? Or Woods Hole, at its tip?

Woods Hole.

Seventeen hours. You must switch buses at the Bourne Bridge, and wait for the next bus in the parking lot of a convenience store for an hour and forty minutes.

Will it be dark and raining?

Oh, you can count on that.

Illustration by Tom Bachtell.