HALIBURTON, ON – Whether it be a public broadcaster, a crowdfunded investigative journalist’s website, a local news station, or a privately-owned newspaper of note, any source local man Brent Jacinzki disagrees with is part of a vast conspiracy to stifle conservative thought.

“Lamestream media at it again,” said Jacinzki in the comments section of a ‘theweathernetwork.com’ article about cold fronts in the Maritimes. “Wish I was surprised.”

While others acknowledge traditional news sources might have financial or ideological reasons to promote certain views on certain issues, Jacinzki alone has the media literacy to understand that a random viral content website is the only source that has no reason to propagate misinformation.

“CBC, the Economist, the Guardian, Better Homes and Gardens, TV Guide, my parents, all these news outlets are the same: untrustworthy,” said Jacinzki. “For example, my mom asked me to pick up some orange juice on the way home but then I saw something on Infowars about OJ being a main source of mind control toxins. Nice try mom, you liberal puppet.”

While Jacinzki claims to hate the mainstream media for its bias, he nonetheless only consumes news from sources that call people either ‘patriots’ or ‘satan’ in the majority of their headlines, and sometimes both.

“Yeah, okay, maybe some libtard would be taken in by this propaganda,” said Jacinzki, passing a ‘lost dog’ poster in his neighbourhood. “But that cuck dog is 100% a shill for the Clinton foundation.”

“I read it somewhere.”

At press time, Jacinzki had once again ruined friday night dinner.