Remember why you fell in love. What attracted you to each other probably hasn’t gone, but lots of other things are competing for your attention. Life is full of routine, and sex will fall into a rut. Accept it will ebb and flow, and don’t panic during a drought. It doesn’t mean your relationship is in danger.

Bear in mind that what you both like, sexually, may change over time. Keep tabs on the subtle changes, and take responsibility for updating yourself. Beware reading books or going to workshops – it can take the joy out of it.

See yourselves as two individuals, rather than as a couple, and never as each other’s “other half”. You fell in love with a vibrant, attractive individual, not half a person. You each need to look after yourself. Cultivate a love for your body as it is, but make an effort for your partner. Treat it well. Exercise and eat healthily. Do things that make you feel good. Wear clothes you like. In short, love yourself.

Develop a sensual, private life of your own. Masturbate more – alone. Finding pleasure for yourself makes it more likely that you’ll want sex, and means you can show your partner what you want.

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Treat your time in bed together as sacred. If possible, try scheduling it in, and don’t let other aspects of life intrude. Realise that it doesn’t happen on its own. Communicate more.

Try not to see sex as a quid pro quo situation. Treat each encounter uniquely and try to make it independent of other aspects of your relationship. If you can move away from orgasm-oriented “goal” sex, do. Take your time – often, the journey is more fun than the destination.

Nourish romance It’s the juice that keeps things well lubricated. Be kind to each other. Show tenderness. Being thoughtful about what your partner wants sexually, and then doing it, is incredibly powerful.

• Interview by Camilla Palmer