Putting breasts in our mouths does make our behaviour better, admit men

Men everywhere have responded positively to a new study which suggests that regularly putting a breast in your mouth can significantly improve human behaviour.

Though the initial study focused on those aged less than four months, further volunteer researchers have insisted that the beneficial effects on human behaviour extend well beyond that age.

One such researcher told us, “We don’t think the booby-mouthy action should be restricted to breast feeding by your mother – pretty much any boobs will do, and at any point in the day. You don’t even need to be hungry, the behavioural benefits are the same.

“We’d also strongly suggest that the recommended age period be raised from 4 months to something like 45 years. Maybe 50.”

Breasts improve behaviour

The findings have already led to a number of pilot schemes in prisons across the country.

Behavioural scientist Michael Daltry told us, “In one such scheme, a hundred prisoners were given regular access to breasts to put in their mouths, and none of them misbehaved at any point during the time they were connected to the breast. Not one of them.

“It’s rare we see 100% success in my business, so this is an amazing result.”

The results are also having early influence in the policy of law enforcement organisations around the world.

Los Angeles police chief Chuck Goldberg told us, “If we turn up at a bar fight and wave a gun around, then people get agitated.

“But If I get one of my female officers to get her breasts out and offer the protagonists a quick suck then the whole problem disappears in seconds.”