First off, I think this is an acceptable forum to express my utter hatred for Subway. And it starts with Jared. The guy walks around like he’s got a big swinging dick because he went from obese to doughy. Not even in shape, just not terribly out of shape. Subway handed that crook $15 million for what? Like I need to know. Because while I’m struggling to pay my rent, fucking Jared is having orgies in his Beverly Hills mega-mansion with girls who wouldn’t even glance in my direction. The last guy on the planet you’d want to find out fucked your girlfriend. The very last. And why does my $5 footlong always come out to be $6.26? And I bought a meatball sub in February and it just cooled down enough to consider edible. And the grilled chicken tastes like a fucking baseball glove. Fuck that place. Fuck that place so much.

If there’s one place that deserves the entire front of the window blown out by a dude getting tossed through it, it’s Subway. If you think Jared will pay for the damages, you’re high. Dude’s got deep pockets and alligator arms. Probably splits the check on all his dates with supermodels. Fuck Jared, I hate myself for wanting to be you.

Bro. Bro. I’m pretty sure, actually yep, it’s confirmed: you’re bleeding. Can’t really notice it, though. Did you want chips and a drink with that?