(GLAMOURLESS, London) News that former Spitting Image puppet, Michael Gove, is making a run for prime minister has sent shockwaves through the puppeteering industry (and the nation).

The feral moppet went on the rampage this morning, breaking loose from its moorings once again and cutting down the fading dignity of Bojo the Clown in one murderous swipe. Olive Gove, the nanny who raised him in the Fluck & Law workshop of the 1980s, has warned that he ‘will kill again’, adding, ‘everything that little shit touches falls to fuck. He’ll have the nation’s blood on his rubbery fingers before the year is out.’

Olive Gove was given custody of the puppet after it was put out of work following the final series of the popular satirical show in 1996. Despondent and discriminated against for their stretchy features, many of the puppets lived on the streets before eventually finding work in other disciplines. Famously, Ringo Starr found work as Yasser Arafat, while Gove took a job in David Cameron’s cabinet as Minister for the Destruction of British Education.

This morning, as Bojo’s career lay savaged and in tatters, Theresa May was preparing for what many are describing as ‘the final round’ – a fight to death between cold flesh and plastic. Barricading herself into the Department for Work and Pensions, she told Glamourless, ‘I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. The puppet is merciless. One minute you think it’s on your side, and the next it has ripped the clothes from your face and left you lying in your own filth and depravity.’

‘I’ll just have to keep my ears open,’ she went on. ‘From what I’m told, its weakness is ‘The Chicken Song‘. If you whistle that when it gets close it holds a chicken in air and sticks a deckchair up its nose. It might be the only way this country has to defend itself.’