CHICAGO—Stepping off the curb and into the crosswalk, local man Adam Hartsell reportedly made sure to look up at the driver of an approaching vehicle Thursday to ensure they would feel extra guilty in the event they failed to stop and ran him over. “The goal of this split-second eye contact is to impress my image upon their mind, so that if they do hit me, they will be forced to spend the rest of their days picturing the terrified face of the person they ran over in his last moments of life,” said the 26-year-old pedestrian, who emphasized the importance of not only locking eyes with each and every oncoming driver, but also delivering a hard stare that conveys a stern moral appraisal of any who would not brake their vehicle in time. “In this way, I will be able to haunt their dreams long after they’ve struck and killed me. If I have enough time, I also make sure to look any passengers dead in the eyes, so that they, too, will be hounded for years by debilitating remorse. It’s important to take these small precautions.” At press time, reports confirmed the oncoming driver had looked up from their phone screen and briefly wondered what the muffled noise coming from beneath their car had been.

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