CASA PADRE, TX—Saying the incident was so long ago that he had difficulty recalling the girl’s face, ICE agent Ed Thornton couldn’t believe he was being reprimanded Friday for a child who died months ago. “I accidentally killed this toddler, like, six months ago, but literally all my coworkers have had kids die during their shifts, so I don’t get why I’m being singled out all of a sudden,” said Thornton, noting that his supervisor assured him that the rebuke was “total bullshit,” but government policy meant it would have to be written up in his file. “Everyone is forgetting that as soon the other children called me to their cage to tell me she wasn’t breathing, I immediately put a blanket over her and filled out the proper paperwork. But I guess no one cares about the 99% of the time when you’re doing your job correctly. All they care about is pointing out a piddly little mistake.” At press time, Thornton was clocking out early to avoid taking the blame for a child who seemed close to dying of pneumonia.

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