“I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.” – Woody Allen

“I date this girl for two years – and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name.'” – Mik Binder



“The husband who doesn’t tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” – Leo J. Burke

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.” – George Burns

“Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.” – Samuel Butler

“He no play-a da game. He no make-a da rules!” – Earl Butz – US Politician referring to the pope’s strictures against contraception

“‘Home, sweet home’ must surely have been written by a bachelor.” – Samuel Butler



“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.” – Johnny Carson

“Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.” – David Chambless

“Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him.

Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!” – Jennie Jerome Churchill – “His borrowed plumes”

“The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” – Samuel Tayler Coleridge



“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget is once.” – E. Joseph Cossman

“I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.” – Lord Darking – British Judge

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante



“A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.” – Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason

“You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.” – W. Somerset Maugham

“It was a perfect marriage. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.” – Spike Milligan

“It has been said that a bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.” – Frank Muir

