A region riven by political and cultural disputes between neighbouring nations. Where governments are in crisis and the social fabric is in danger of collapse. Safe to say that the representatives from Serbia, Macedonia, Kosovo, Montenegro, Albania and Bosnia and Herzegovina probably felt quite at home at the West Balkans Summit in London.

Come the end of a couple of days spent talking about improving security in the region, Theresa May and Angela Merkel gave a press conference in the state dining room at Lancaster House. The British prime minister kicked off by declaring her aim was to make the Balkans strong and stable. Just like her. For some reason that made the Balkan delegates extremely nervous. And the way forward was for them to make sure they were ready to join the EU at the very moment we were planning on bailing out. It wasn’t the most convincing of sales pitches.

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The German chancellor began with a heartfelt message of thanks to May. When Boris Johnson had failed to turn up to the opening of the summit on the previous day, she had initially assumed it was down to the usual boorishness of the British foreign secretary. But when she realised the no show had been because Boris had finally been pushed to a point where he imploded in onanistic self-pity, she hadn’t been able to resist punching the air in relief. The world would be a much safer place without the bumbling, blond narcissist. One down, one to go.

With the pre-cooked pleasantries complete, May took a question from the Daily Mail. How did she feel about Donald Trump saying Britain was in turmoil and that he would rather be dealing with Boris? And, while he had her attention, he also wanted to ask Merkel about what she thought of May’s Chequers proposals.

May immediately recoiled, her eyes wide with fear as she commenced her familiar battle with the English language. Here was the deal, she explained. She was not going to answer the questions that had been put to her because she never answered any questions directly. Not even when asked her name. And she was also going to not answer Merkel’s questions as well because there was a danger the German chancellor might accidentally tell the truth. Merkel raised an eyebrow but chose to let it go. Perhaps May had missed the session on the importance of a free media that afternoon.

Having established the ground rules, the prime minister set about not answering her own question. It was just not true that Britain was in turmoil. It was perfectly normal for two senior cabinet ministers to have resigned the previous day. It had been completely normal for Maria Caulfield and Ben Bradley to have resigned from jobs that even they didn’t know they had that afternoon. And it would be completely normal for some other people no one had heard of to resign the next day too.

Other than that she couldn’t wait to resume her acquaintance with the Donald. She had never felt more alive than when her hand had been held by the clammy miniature paw of the pussy-grabbing Potus. “I’m looking forward to positive things,” she said desperately. Though none immediately came to mind.

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Eventually a German journalist got the chance to ask Merkel the question May had been determined not to answer on her behalf. Was she prepared to help the prime minister out in the negotiations to try to avoid Britain crashing out of the EU with a disastrous no-deal Brexit?

Merkel took a couple of deep breaths, eyeing May up with something approaching compassion. She had thought she was having problems back home in Germany, but they were nothing compared to the prime minister’s. Time to come to the rescue. Ish.

“We actually have made progress,” she said carefully. As in Britain had finally, after more than two years, come up with a negotiating position. It was a rubbish one, obviously. One that relied heavily on magical thinking and technology that didn’t yet exist. But at least it was a proposal. And she promised that she and the other 27 EU leaders would go away and consider it very seriously before rejecting it. Then she would make a few suggestions of what else Britain needed to do to reach a sensible agreement.

May looked horrified and bundled Merkel out the room as quickly as indecently possible. Another day, another disaster. At least no one could say she wasn’t consistent.