It’s 16.30pm on Saturday afternoon at Glastonbury. Sat in a clammy, badly assembled one-person tent, you’re surrounded by snack-bar wrappers, single socks, remnants of a festival guide and bottles of brown liquid which are either full of apple juice, whisky or urine. A strange malaise of muffled music rattles the warm fabric of your blue cocoon. Is that Burt Bacharach, Ella Eyre or the Pop Group booming from a distant stage? You take a swig of urine and realise the answer is all three, and you’re in the midst of a brutal stage clash and you’re about to miss all three of your incredibly disparate favourite artists. So how can you avoid this perilous position? What to see when the globe’s most revered musicians simultaneously descend on one hefty festival site?

Preparation is key, so we’ve compiled a day-to-day stage guide, depending on which musical tribe you belong to. Not mods v rockers, hippies v punks, or the little-known early noughties enemies new ravers v new acoustic movementers. No, in 2015, subcultures are boiled down into three categories: those who signed the petition to prevent Kanye West from playing Glastonbury, those who did not sign the petition to prevent Kanye West from playing Glastonbury, and those who have never heard of the petition to prevent Kanye West from playing Glastonbury.

With mere weeks until the festival begins, pick your team and follow our guide to maximise your visit to Worthy Farm …

Friday

It’s the first day of the festival and there’s a feast for fans of lad rock and lefty eclecticism: headline sets from Rudimental and Hot Chip should satisfy those who choose dance over air-punching and pint-chugging, while Foo Fighters’ 2.5 hour set will be a joy to those enamoured of guitars, bass, drums and 2.5 hour sets. Meanwhile, Super Furry Animal’s wonky headline show, which will rattle into the next day, will be essential viewing for anyone unaware of mainstream frivolities such as Snapchat or man buns.

Pro-Kanye

Other stage: Rudimental 22.30-23.45 or West Holts: Hot Chip 22.15-23.45

Park stage: Jamie xx 21.30-22.30

West Holts: Caribou 20.30-21.30

West Holts: Run the Jewels 19.00-20.00

Other stage: Jungle 16.30-17.30

Other stage: Everything Everything 13.50-14.30

John Peel: Hinds 12:00-12:40

Anti-Kanye

Pyramid stage: Foo Fighters 21.15-23.45

Other stage: The Courteeners 19.30-20.30

Other stage: The Vaccines 18.00-19.00

John Peel: Peace 17:00-18:00

Other stage: Catfish and the Bottlemen 15.00-16.00

Pyramid stage: James Bay 13.00-14.00

I Don’t Know-Kanye

Park stage: Super Furry Animals 23.00-00.15

John Peel: Modestep 21:15-22:15

Pyramid stage: Motörhead 17.30-18.30

Pyramid stage: Alabama Shakes 14.30-15.30

Park stage: King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard 13.00-13.45

Park stage: Pussy Riot in conversation 12.00-12.40 or West Holts: The Cambodian Space Project 11.30-12.30

Saturday

It’s Kanye Day! So either you’ll be spending your time willing to try out something new before watching West perform (important not to forget that bit) or cowering in the John Peel tent following a hard day of indie indigestion. Meanwhile: The Mothership Returns and on it you shall board. If there’s a bar on there.

Pro-Kanye

Park stage: Jon Hopkins 23.00-00.15

Pyramid stage: Kanye West 22.15-23.45

Pyramid stage: Pharrell Williams 20.00-21.15

Park stage: Father John Misty 18.30-19.30

West Holts: Young Fathers 14.45-15.45

Park stage: Ibeyi 13.00-13.45

Anti-Kanye

Other stage: Deadmau5 22.30-23.45 or John Peel: Suede 22:35-23:45

Other stage: Ben Howard 20.40-21.55

Other stage: The Maccabees 19.05-20.05

West Holts: Gregory Porter 17.00-18.00

Park stage: Gaz Coombes 15.30-16.30

West Holts: Frank Turner 12.00-12.50

West Holts: Swim Deep 11.00-11.40

I Don’t Know-Kanye

West Holts: The Mothership Returns: George Clinton, Parliament, Funkadelic and the Family Stone 21.45-23.45

Park stage: Spiritualized 21.30-22.30

Park stage: Mavis Staples 20.00-21.00

Pyramid stage: Burt Bacharach 16.30-17.30

Pyramid stage: The Unthanks with Charles Hazlewood and his Orchestra 11.00-11.45

West Holts: KOG and the Zongo Brigade 11.00-12.00

Sunday

It’s Sunday and you’re either exhausted post-Kanye, or excited by the prospect of real, traditional rock music returning to Glastonbury in the form of the Who and Paul Weller. If you fall into the former category, then just sit yourself down at the West Holts stage all day and soak up the many strange and sprawling sounds from Fly-Lo to Flaming Gods, or if you’re the latter, get your parka prepped for the anti-Kanye finale on the Pyramid stage. Sunday’s also got lots of wonderful and weird acts to wind down to should you be on your continual quest to explore the outer limits – Goat, the Fall and the Chemical Brother’s big blow out at the Other stage.

Pro-Kanye

West Holts: Flying Lotus 22.00-23.15

West Holts: FKA twigs 20.30-21.30

West Holts: Roy Ayers 19.00-20.00

West Holts: Steel Pulse 17.30-18.30 or Park stage: Perfume Genius 18.00-19.00

West Holts: Cumbia All Stars 16.00-17.00 or John Peel: Charli XCX 17:50-18:35

West Holts: Hiatus Kaiyote 14.30-15.30

West Holts: Ibibio Sound Machine 13.00-14.00

West Holts: Flaming Gods 11.30-12.30

Anti-Kanye

Pyramid stage: The Who 21.45-23.15

Pyramid stage: Paul Weller 19.30-20.45

Other stage: Belle and Sebastian 18.45-19.45

John Peel: FFS (Franz Ferdinand and Sparks) 22:05- 23:15

John Peel: Death Cab for Cutie 20:35- 21:35

John Peel: The Pop Group 16:00- 16:40

John Peel: Sleaford Mods 15:00-15:40

Other stage: Palma Violets 14.15-15.15

Pyramid stage: Hozier 13.00-13.45

I Don’t Know-Kanye

Other stage: The Chemical Brothers 21.45-23.15

Park stage: Goat 21.00-22.15

Park stage: The Fall 19.30-20.30

Other stage: Fat White Family 16.30-17.30

Pyramid stage: Lionel Richie 16.00-17.15

Pyramid stage: Patti Smith 14.15-15.15

Pyramid stage: Songhoy Blues 12.00-12.40