A/N: These are in no particular order. Facebook owns Facebook, Twitter owns Twitter, Bioware owns everything else, I'm just playing with their toys. Apologies for any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes, trying to write this on my phone!

SUBJECT: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Files related to subject's recovery in Kings College Hospital (KCH), London, as requested by ADM HACKETT, S.

INCLUDES: Subject's Extranet Log, Subject's Extranet Messages, Security Logs pertaining to Subject, Subject's Requisition Orders, Subject's Medical Files, Miscellaneous Files pertaining to Subject

Alliance Security Log 26742.A-32

Complaint of sexual harassment against LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Alleged victim: Nurse PARKER, C.

Complainant alleges that LCDR SHEPARD, J. inappropriately touched her buttocks after bending over to retrieve cutlery items dropped by Shepard. Claims that this is not the first instance of this occurring.

UPDATE: Case cannot be investigated further due to lack of evidence and LCDR SHEPARD J.'s SPECTRE status.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Unresolved.

ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7624578

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH, London

Item(s): Chocolate, 2kg

Reason: I saved the galaxy three times. I deserve a treat.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 531 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

Alliance Security Log 26956.A-84

Complaint of Aggravating Behaviour

Complainant: KCH London Administration Board

KCH allege that patient LCDR SHEPARD, J. hacked into hospital P.A. system and played 'Knockin' On Heaven's Door' by vintage band Guns N Roses repeatedly, to all wards. This caused severe discomfort and anguish to many patients and visitors and led to multiple complaints to hospital staff.

UPDATE: Source of hacking confirmed to be LCDR SHEPARD, J.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed and ordered to apologise.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. 'apologised' by again hacking the KCH P.A. system and playing 'I'm Not Sorry' by vintage band The Pigeon Detectives followed by a looped sample of 'Killing In The Name' by vintage band Rage Against The Machine, containing the lyrics "F*** you, I won't do what you tell me". This led to multiple complaints to KCH staff.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. cannot be interviewed. Is suffering from severe headaches.

UPDATE: KCH doctors have informed Alliance Security that LCDR SHEPARD, J.'s headaches only occur within the presence of Alliance Security staff.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed in spite of 'severe headaches' and has issued a formal written apology, forwarded to KCH admin, to be in turn forwarded to all staff and patients. Message had to be edited to remove several cleverly hidden swear words.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7752904

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: SSV LISBON

Item(s): Flowers, White Roses, 12 - Chocolate, 0.2 kg Reason: Mom's birthday.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 432 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: RADM SHEPARD, H.

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: Shepard, H.

To: Shepard, J.

Subj: Thank you

Thanks honey, but don't abuse Alliance resources like that.

Mom

EXTRANET MESSAGE

From: Shepard, J.

To: Shepard, H.

Subj: RE: Thank you

You approved it. Now who's abusing Alliance resources?

Your Favourite Son

EXTRANET LOG, LCDR SHEPARD, J. WEEK ENDING 2186-8-23

•Facebook - 32 visits

•Twitter - 16 visits

•Asari SexTube - 383 attempted visits - blocked by KCH firewalls

•Shepard Fans Unite - 97 visits

•Shepard Slash Forum - 1 visit *See Security Log 31346.C-21*

•LIARA T'SONI NUDENUDENUDE - 954 attempted visits - blocked by KCH firewalls

Alliance Security Log 31346.C-21

Complaint of hacking attempts alleged against LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Complainant: SCHWARZKOPFF, K., proprietor of Shepard Slash Forum

Complainant accuses LCDR SHEPARD, J. of hacking into, and attempting to close, their extranet forum, dedicated to homosexual erotica stories about Shepard.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has admitted to hacking attempts. Claims to find the stories offensive based on 'factual inaccuracies'. Upon being asked if he was homophobic, he replied that he was only offended by several stories portraying MAJ ALENKO, K. as having a larger penis.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD has agreed to refrain from hacking the site further. Site proprietor has agreed to change rules so that from now on, all stories have to portray Shepard as having a larger penis than anyone else.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

Alliance Security Log 31547.B-21

Missing Person Report

Subject: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Location: KCH, London Patient reported missing from hospital room.

UPDATE: Subject found at nearby fast food franchise. Attacked five members of Alliance Security sent to retrieve him. Found to be in possession of Omni-Tool containing Tactical Cloak program. Claims reason for disappearance as 'Bad hospital food'. Was eventually removed by volunteer krogan squad. Subject repeatedly sang 'I Want To Break Free'.

UPDATE: Omni-Tool confiscated. Subject banned from being in possession of Omni-Tools until further notice. Subject returned to hospital. Hospital security review pending.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

A/N Congrats on making it this far. Please review, any feedback is appreciated. Also, yes I know its extremely unlikely that it would take a squad of krogan to get a sick Shepard back in to hospital, but it took a two billion year old supercomputer to put him there in the first place!