He lived in Canada and I lived in the United States. He gave me the attention that I had craved. Months after talking online day and night, I finally flew to Toronto to meet him in person.

He gave me my first kiss in the Toronto airport. It was awkward and I remember thinking, “Ew, stop.” Then he took my hand and we went to his parent’s house.

On the way there, he kept putting my hand on his penis. I didn’t want to. I felt uncomfortable with his dad sitting in the front seat, driving us home.

I didn’t like it. But I did it anyway. Because he was my boyfriend right? That’s what you do with your boyfriend.

Photo by Giang Vu on Unsplash

Our first night together we had planned to have sex. But when the time came, after “fooling around” for a while, I didn’t want to. I had second thoughts about it and I wasn’t ready.

I was allowed to say no right? It was my body after all and I didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right. I hardly knew him. A nice guy would have understood. He wasn’t a nice guy.

This is where my horror story began with this guy. He got quiet after I turned him down. I learned later that this was a bad, bad sign. He was mad. So mad he couldn’t even talk.

Remember, I was an insecure 18 year old at this point. I didn’t know how to navigate relationships. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. I aimed to please.

Nothing physical happened at this point. He was still on his best behavior. He didn’t want to unleash the best that was in him just yet. So he punished me in another way,

“I’m never going to ask you to have sex with me again.”

I apologized but didn’t give in. I still didn’t want to have sex that night. I told him we could try again another time. I just wasn’t ready. He’d have to understand right? He must just be joking. He’d ask again. I was sure of it.

He never did. I’m not even joking. We never had sex.

I thought for sure that after we got married, things would change. People who are married have sex. That’s part of marriage. Not our marriage.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

Not once did he ever try to please me sexually. Sure, sometimes he would touch my boobs to tell me he was in the mood. He wasn’t a boob man though. He had a foot fetish.

I don’t want to go into how exactly he wanted me to pleasure him. It’s still too hard to talk about. Let’s just say I couldn’t go to sleep until he would finish. I was only there to get him off. There was no love shared in it.

And if I said no? Oh, that wasn’t an option. Even if it was 3 am and I had to work at 7 am. It didn’t matter. My feelings never mattered.

I could sit there for hours and he wouldn’t let me stop. I remember nights with tears streaming down my face WILLING him to just stop. The feeling of his penis in my hands and his lips on my feet made me want to throw up.

There were nights I did say no. I would swat his hand away from my boobs when he tried to grab them. I’d curl myself into a ball so he couldn’t touch me.

That never worked. Those were the nights where I would get the crap beat out of me and be told how ugly and worthless I was. Once he kicked me in the boob so hard that my entire boob was one big bruise.

I stopped turning him down after that. It was easier to just give him what he wanted. It hurt mentally but at the time, it was easier to cover up the internal hurt than it was to cover a black eye.

Photo by Naomi August on Unsplash

Was this rape? I don’t know if I consider it rape since there was never any sort of penetration. But it was sure as hell sexual assault. I was forced to do sexual acts against my will.

I was married at 22 and didn’t lose my virginity until I was 27. I lost it to someone who was not my husband. Let that sink in for a little bit.

What he did was use sex as a way to punish me for turning him down that first night. He stayed true to his words. We would never have sex. All because I chose not to do it when I wasn’t ready.

And as much as it hurt back then, I am so very thankful that we never did have sex. Because I would have ended up pregnant and stuck with this monster forever. I can’t even imagine how my life would be right now if that had happened. I’d probably be dead.