I'd like to say something critical of people who oppose #GamerGate for once.

I've been pretty strongly against GamerGate for a while. It's no secret, I've spent a rather large amount of time ranting about it and why, in no uncertain terms, I think it's a very deeply flawed movement that is misguided at its best moments and outright hateful and bigoted at its worst. The worst parts of it, unfortunately, seem to be a lot more powerful.



But it wasn't always like that. When this whole thing STARTED I was only really ambivalent about the whole thing. I hated the bad parts more than most, but in part because of the community I'd become involved in I was at least willing to give them some benefit of the doubt that there was some good to be had. It was ultimately Milo Yiannopoulos's involvement that finally convinced me to abandon ship because he is legitimately one of the single most disgusting human beings I have ever had the displeasure of hearing about. I COULDN'T defend any part of GamerGate after they so willingly accepted him with open arms.



But before that whole thing started, I saw this one post on Tumblr from a Game developer who had an interesting story (http://daemonpro.tumblr.com/post/97625002839/a-personal-statement-from-an-indie-dev-on-why). This was one of the few (and I mean VERY few) arguments for GamerGate I could actually relate to on a personal level. I don't actually AGREE with all of it, and the "make the games you want to see made" piece of advice near the end really irks me because it downplays the entry barriers for women in games (it's been suggested by research that people who hire in STEM fields have a bias against women: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/06/140623121000.htm) and tries to dismiss the role of criticism altogether, not just the ones he deems bad.



Essentially, this is a developer who is making an active attempt to create a game with underrepresented characters, such as an autistic main playable character as well as a Muslim woman. He is playing a part in trying to facilitate the change that the game industry so desperately NEEDS if it wants to truly grow as a medium. But there are two things that he's afraid of.



The first is that his game will be judged only because of it having an autistic main character and nothing else, and that it will smother all the other criticisms of a game he might receive. I don't particularly care for this argument since I personally feel that since game reviews are mostly subjective it's INEVITABLE that some people will value certain aspects of a game over others, but this one passage in particular hit me quite hard:



"People have judged me and treated me differently because of my condition but not in the way you might think. I’ve been given preferential treatment my entire life. People have walked on eggshells around me, afraid of calling me out for when I’ve done something wrong for fear of being insensitive (I won’t name names or point to specific examples because I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m blaming them). I understand that these people who have given me this treatment do so for the best of intentions but it isn’t helping me to become more of a well-adjusted person. It’s enabling me to continue justifying my inexcusable behavior. It’s important to me that my game succeeds based on its own merits. I am more than my diagnosis. My failures are mine alone and I will face them as they come."



This is a feeling which I have a had a LOT of personal experience. I, like him, also have autism. And like him I have experienced a LOT of circumstances where I was not held responsible for my own actions because of my condition and treated like a child, talked down to, or given "help" that I didn't need or even WANT. The support programs at my public schools were immensely helpful at times and did do a lot to help me overcome genuine obstacles, but just as often they were just stubborn and unhelpful.



Needless to say, this experience Daemonpro describes here cut DEEP. I know exactly what it's like to feel like this. I have experienced this sort of thing repeatedly and consistently throughout my entire life and only recently have I found escape from it. I had to wait YEARS, until I was already in College, to find a support program that was actually willing to LISTEN to me.



The second point that's being made is that Daemonpro is trying very hard to make his game diverse. However, the other character he's writing, a Muslim woman, is NOT based on his own experiences and as such it's not implausible that he'll get something wrong. What makes this an ESPECIALLY big risk is that when you're autistic, trying to learn and understand the perspectives of other people is much more difficult than it is for most other people. Learning to understand when the things I say make other people uncomfortable or when I'm being insensitive was, for me, an incredibly difficult task.



This is precisely WHY Daemonpro is so afraid, because when you're autistic and you try to understand and empathize with other perspectives you are GOING to fuck up sooner or later. It's a constant struggle to try to ensure that you don't make a total fool of yourself, one that people who are socially-inclined don't need to face. It can be downright paralyzing sometimes to know that people are watching you and judging you, waiting to leap on you the moment you slip up. It's happened to me NUMEROUS times throughout my life. There's always that looming shadow of dread hanging overhead that you'll get everyone to turn on you for a simple mistake.



That is why I can empathize with him when he speaks out in fear of being attacked/persecuted for fucking up (https://twitter.com/mistertodd/status/529489463164948481) and making in his portrayal of a Muslim women. He might not get it entirely right, he might slip up and accidentally create something insensitive or Islamophobic, but for fuck's sake, he is TRYING.



I know that he's being hyperbolic. I know that his claims that he'll be ruined are needlessly melodramatic. I know that his game shouldn't be exempt from criticism if he does fuck something up. I know that if people think his game is racist or Islamophobic or sexist they shouldn't have to hold their tongue.



But I've spend my entire LIFE living in the fear of people hating me. I've spent my entire EXISTENCE with crippling insecurities because of the way that I've been trained to expect people to react when I fuck up. Not if, WHEN.



That's why when I see others who are like me who oppose GamerGate start mocking him and insulting him for going through the exact same experience that I've been living with for my entire LIFE, I can't help but be saddened. I know exactly what he's going through right now and it's a tremendously shitty experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can GUARANTEE you that this dude is going through a very serious self-esteem crisis right now because what he's saying here is similar to the exact same self-esteem crisis that I've gone through and have only very recently been able to pull myself out of.



You don't have to agree with him. You don't have to think that he's right. But for the love of God, please don't just start mocking him or insulting him when he's so obviously afraid and confused and struggling to find a way to feel accepted. I can guaruntee you you'll only end up making things even worse.

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