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There has been a lot of talk about apologies lately. First E. Oaks, channeling Fox News or possibly Clint Eastwood, claimed that the church neither seeks nor gives apologies [1], prompting a lot of discussion about what constitutes an apology, and whether or not the church should apologize to gay people for their ostracism and mistreatment throughout the years.

“Accept everything about yourself–I mean everything. You are you, and that is the beginning and the end. No apologies. No regrets.” Henry Kissinger [2] “It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.” P.G. Wodehouse [3] “Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” Tryon Edwards [4]

Many bloggers, concerned about the lack of apology, have felt prompted to apologize to gay people on behalf of our Mormon communities. As I continue to think about this, several questions come to mind:

Who should apologize for past wrongs? Should current leaders apologize for past leaders? Should leaders who disagreed with those actions apologize for those with whom they disagreed?

Can an individual member apologize on behalf of the organization without any authority to speak for that organization?

Is this type of apology a shaming tactic? In other words, not really an apology at all, but an effort to demonstrate to the one not sorry that “this is how it’s done”?

Is this to make the one apologizing feel better for clearly standing against bigotry?

Are these actions paper tigers, with no real benefit to the gay community? Isn’t it better to actually improve how our community treats gay people than to apologize? [ 5 ]

] Is this just a way for the privileged to once again talk about their feelings about matters that don’t really affect them?

Are public apologies merely a performance? When celebrities apologize at the behest of PR agents despite their insincerity, isn’t that purely self-serving? How does that improve anything for the wronged parties?

What about others who are owed apologies? Given that it’s black history month, and domestic violence awareness month, does this apology detract from the wrongs done to those groups of people who also deserve awareness?

Is an apology on behalf of someone who wasn’t sorry ever an actual apology? Does it heal any breach or just point to the divide?

About 8 years ago, I went back to Pennsylvania with my husband and kids to visit the place I grew up. During our visit, we attended my home ward, and I was excited to see many of the people who knew me well as a teenager but really hadn’t seen me since then. This was before Facebook replaced the need for face-to-face human interaction.

One person I was really excited to see was the man who was my Sunday School teacher when I was 13. He was an economics professor at the local liberal arts college where I had my first job. He was a convert to the church from French Guyana, and he had a very strong accent that we loved to hear when he would give talks or bless the sacrament. His wife was not LDS, but practiced voodoo. I had never met her. His daughter was my age, and although she has since quit attending church as have her older sisters, she and I were close as teenagers, playing on the same basketball team, being in roadshows together, and hanging out at youth conference and other activities.

When he was my teacher, like many 13 year-olds, I was a total pill. I remember sitting in the back of his class looking up the dirty parts of V.C. Andrews’ books in class with my classmates. We never listened. We talked back. We deliberately asked irrelevant questions for our own amusement. After he was released, we actually brought his successor to tears once by asking her pointed questions about sexuality. [6] One thing I appreciated about him as a teacher was his ability to see past my childish behavior and to still trust me with responsibility. He sometimes called me at the last minute to ask me to substitute teach the class for him that week. It was a smart move. I found out pretty quickly how tough it was to teach a bunch of 13 year olds, and I also learned more from the lessons I had to deliver as teacher than those I received (or frequently didn’t) as a class member. My behavior didn’t shape up, but it definitely increased my investment, my self-worth, and my confidence to speak up as a church member.

I loved him as a teacher and as one of my adult mentors in the ward, and I wanted to seek him out specifically. When I found him that day at church, I said, “I just wanted to apologize for my terrible behavior in your class. You were always one of my favorites, and I never paid attention like I should.” He stopped me right there and smiled. “Never apologize for the things you did as a teenager,” he said. “What you do as a teenager is an important part of growing up and becoming an adult. You must do those things or you will never become an independent, mature person. There is no need to apologize.”

I often think about the wisdom of his response. My behavior truly was terrible, but I wasn’t still that punk kid heckling from the back of the class. [7] I was the adult who could look back with some embarrassment on my past behavior and how I had wronged him by not appreciating him at the time and by giving him a hard time. The apology was only possible because I was no longer that ungrateful, self-centered teen. And then my apology was unnecessary because the one receiving it graciously knew my potential all along. He could see past my behavior, even at the time, to the future me who would regret that behavior, and he loved me as I was becoming, even as I was then.

Apologies are less relevant than our future behavior and who we are becoming. Some days I struggle to see past our community’s behavior in the present. But once in a while, I can almost see our potential.

I care less if we apologize than I care if we mean it. And to mean it, we need to change our future behavior. [8]

[1.] #sorrynotsorry

[2.] winner of the Nobel Peace Prize who secretly bombed Cambodia with over 500K tons of explosives during five years, many argue laying the groundwork for the genocidal Khmer Rouge to come to power. Apparently slept like a baby.

[3.] English humorist. Go back and read that again with a simpering, supercilious tone and add “my good man” to the end of it. Then brush away an imaginary speck from your impeccably tailored trouser leg.

[4.] a 19th century theologian who didn’t bomb any civilians to the best of my knowledge. Probably stayed up nights worried about the poor or something.

[5.] Not that there isn’t room for both words and actions, of course.

[6.] #sorrynotsorry

[7.] For those of you who think the bloggernacle isn’t too far from that back-row heckling, why don’t you come over here and say that? I will wipe that smirk off your face.

[8.] Here are 5 things the church could do that would be more impactful than an apology: 1) relaunch & beef up mormonsandgays website (as E. Christofferson mentioned), 2) educate ALL bishops on how to counsel parents of gay children and also that we don’t counsel them to try to change their sexual orientation by marrying heterosexuals, 3) pour some of our vast financial resources into preventing gay teen homelessness and suicide, 4) launch a campaign for church members to volunteer to sit with gay members at church and to welcome them and use a 5th Sunday to educate and raise awareness, 5) allow for open expression of diverse opinions on gay marriage and gay rights in all settings. One difficulty is that so many felt pressured to donate to Prop 8 that allowing for dissenting views on this topic will be hard for some to hear.