If People Talked About Other Things the Way They Talked About Gender Identity

Fiction: “It’s either a short story or a novel. There’s no such thing as a novella.”

Subatomic particles: “Now they’re saying they discovered ‘tetraquarks’ and ‘pentaquarks’. How many combinations of quarks are there? I can’t even keep up these days. What ever happened to just talking about good old atoms?”

Cats: “A Manx is not a cat. Cats are defined as having tails. Maybe it’s a koala.”

Ice cream: “Avocado is not a valid ice cream flavor because I’ve never heard of it and it does not appeal to me.”

Language: “I don’t care what linguists say, I know a dialect when I see one, and Pennsylvania Dutch English is not a dialect.”

Water: “Water is H 2 0. Ice might parade around pretending to be something different, but we all know that it’s also H 2 0 and therefore also water. It’s chemistry.”

Colors: “The cultural imposition of boundaries on a color gradient has nothing to do with it. A rainbow has seven colors: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, and another kind of purple.”

Murder: “If you think murder is just the unlawful and premeditated killing of one person by another, then how do you explain the fact that animals murder each other all the time in nature?”

Doctors: “You can’t just put on scrubs, go to medical school for eight years, pass a licensing examination, and gallivant around calling yourself a doctor. You’re either born a doctor or you’re not.”

Heat: “Careful, that compound is rich in phlogiston. Oh, sorry, ‘kinetic energy.’ You have to be politically correct these days.”

Sex: “The missionary position is the natural sexual position. People are genetically predisposed to it.”

Politics: “‘Libertarian’? Stop trying to be a special snowflake. You’re a Republican or a Democrat, end of story.”

Fields of Thought: “I don’t believe in quantum mechanics because some people on the internet say things about it that I find outrageous.”

Theater: “I’m not an actor. I’m really Hamlet. And I don’t care if they kick me off the set, I’m not calling you imposters Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!”

Movies: “Sean Connery is really James Bond because I’ve seen him be James Bond a bunch of times. I think Daniel Craig is just dressing up and pretending to be James Bond, though.”