WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The decision of Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) to support same-sex marriage after learning that his son was gay has inspired hundreds of other Republican lawmakers to stop speaking to their children immediately, G.O.P. leaders confirmed today.

“I have gathered my caucus and told them, if your kids are going to tell you something that’s going to cost you the next election, it’s better to nip that situation in the bud,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “Just stop talking to them altogether, for heaven’s sakes.”

Speaker Boehner said he was advising his fellow Republicans who were “hell bent on speaking to their children” to keep things superficial: “You can talk about sports. You can talk about the weather. But anything beyond that, your policy should be, ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

But even as Mr. Boehner laid down the new guidelines for not speaking to one’s children, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) said that the policy “doesn’t go far enough.”

“What if you’re having a conversation with your kids and it turns out they’re in favor of raising the capital-gains tax or banning assault rifles?” he said. “Do what I do—block their calls.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) agreed with his fellow G.O.P. leaders’ words of caution, adding, “Fortunately, none of my children want to talk to me.”

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