"Now, hear me out on this. What if we..."

"Now, hear me out on this. What if we..."

Sixty troops have been fired as sexual assault counselors, recruiters or drill instructors after the military investigators found they had committed violations ranging from alcohol-related offenses to child abuse and sexual assault, USA TODAY has learned.

Each of the services appears to have interpreted Hagel's directive differently. The Marines screened recruiters, for example, against a public database, while the Army considered criminal records for sexual assault, child abuse and alcohol-related offenses.

Apparently this is being done as part of a crack military investigation as to whether the people they've appointed to be sexual assault counselors have past criminal records of sexual assault. Well, it's not quite that simple:All right, goddamn it, it really was that simple. Order certain kitchen appliances online and you'll have a crack team of government agents knocking on your door asking what you're up to, but it took intervention from the Secretary of Defense himself for the military to think of the bold new idea of checking to see whether the base's new sexual assault counselor has a criminal record of that thing I just said.

Sigh.