Heaven—

Jesus had a rare heart-to-heart moment with a Halfway Post reporter who interviewed Christ for Reformation Day.

“No one has ever divided my cult like Martin Luther,” Jesus said. “And, to be honest, I find it difficult to talk to other deities to get their opinion on things, like how to bridge that gap and get Protestants and Catholics together again.”

The Halfway Post reporter asked why, and Jesus went off on a bit of a monologue about how He often found himself self-conscious around many of the older, tougher pagan deities.

“I mean, look at Prometheus,” Jesus said. “THAT guy is a tough son of a bitch, what with his organs getting shredded apart by an eagle every day for eternity. I was put on a cross, but only for a day. Like, yeah, it hurt like a bitch to have my hands nailed and to just kind of hang there for a bit. And there was the spear point in my ribs, that wasn’t pleasant, of course. But that kind of stuff just doesn’t compare to being chained to a mountain and shredded apart every day by razor sharp eagle beaks. Literally, every day. Like this morning Prometheus suffered, and yesterday he suffered, and it will happen again to him tomorrow, and ever tomorrow after.”

Jesus then offered his thoughts on other notable figures’ sufferings.

“Sisyphus has it pretty rough too, getting no breaks. He has to go on with that boulder forever. I suffered, but I’ve had a 2,000 break since. I can’t imagine the toil that guy has to do every day with no end. And to be perfectly honest, it’s not comfortable to talk to many humans up in Heaven who suffered worse pains and deaths than me in life. A lot of people in Britain over the centuries were quartered and literally split into four pieces. Yikes. I’d much rather sign up for the cross again than that. And torture. Shit, humanity has gotten way sicker with torture than people used to be in my day. It’s giving me goosebumps just thinking about it. And I think I’d definitely take being on a cross for a day again over being forced into the sex trade for ten years. Just saying. These poor women who have been forced to deal with Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, and all the other sick perverted old men in positions of authority. Yeesh. Like, honestly, as far as horrible experiences go, my crucifixion really wasn’t, like, quote ‘the worst.’”

Thanks for the interview, Jesus, and we hope you can figure out that Reformation divide.

(Picture courtesy of James Shepard.)

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