Borussia Dortmund have donned full commando gear and commandeered a stealth minibus as they prepare to launch a raid on Anfield to, in the words of the Sun, "rescue Nuri Sahin from his Liverpool hell". The Turkish midfielder has been held captive for months by the notorious barbarian Brendan Rodgers, who has been ramming red-hot wads of cash into the 24-year-old's pockets for the last four months and forcing him to sit on soft padded benches for up to 90 minutes at a time. Dortmund have consulted with the player's parent club, Real Madrid, and hatched a plot to spring Sahin this month before treating him to intense counselling to help him recover from his ordeal at the hands of Brendan the Beast.

As if to illustrate just how diabolical the Anfield regime is, the Sun reveal that Joe Cole will only be able to complete his escape to West Ham after Liverpool strap him down and compel him to accept a £4m pay-off for services rendered, which include three league goals, four decent passes and a Carroll-load of confused endeavour. Meanwhile, just before Daniel Sturridge was frogmarched into Anfield, Liverpool reportedly made an inquiry for Barcelona's David Villa, which was turned down on humanitarian grounds. And also because Liverpool wanted to merely borrow the striker rather than subject him permanently to the Rodgers fiend. Tottenham Hotspur may pick up the slack.

Meanwhile, the agent of Edinson Cavani has stuck to his strict nudge-nudge, wink-wink quota by hinting that his client might be on the move soon to a club that can afford to meet the Napoli striker's £51m buy-out clause and pay enough money to launch a mid-size intergalactic space programme. "For now Cavani will stay but I wouldn't be so sure about that once June arrives," you-know-what-I-meaned Mino Raiola, adding: "I'm sure there are clubs ready to pay that. But only five clubs in the world can afford to do that – Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City, Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain. You are intelligent enough on your own to understand where Cavani will play his football next season." Needless to say, he was not talking to the Mill at the time.

Frank Lampard, however, has exclusively revealed to the Mill – in the sense that the Mill was sitting on the toilet exclusively when it read the Lampard-related speculation – that he is on his way to Internazionale. "Italian giants Inter have targeted the England star, 34, as an ideal replacement for the departing Wesley Sneijder," read your intrepid Mill in the Sun.

Four hundred words in and we still haven't mentioned Wigan Athletic – that's no way for a struggling media outlet to make money! So let's pander to the marketing men and rustle something up about Roberto Martínez's glamour boys. Word is they're eyeing up a new goalkeeper and Atlético Madrid's Joel could be going to the DW on loan. If you have an uptown girl, tell her about it. Etc and so on.

From Wigan we go seamlessly to Norwich, of course. Chris Hughton wants to thank Celtic for their canny scouting work before crossing their palms with silver and taking midfielder Beram Kayal and striker Gary Hooper off their hands.

David Moyes and Martin O'Neill are locked in an intense staring contest, with the winner to get PSG's surplus striker Guillaume Hoarau, provided the staring contest concludes by the end of January and there's no guarantee of that.

Here's one we copied and pasted earlier: Tottenham are close to signing Schalke's Germany international midfielder Lewis Holtby on a pre-contract deal.

Fulham are hoping to pick up Ghanaian midfielder Derek Boateng and Faouzi Ghoulam but face competition from Stoke and Udinese for the latter, who's a left-back at Saint-Etienne.

Finally, there are reports of questionable reliability that Arsène Wenger is to renew his interest in Yann M'vila, the Rennes midfielder of questionable reliability.