BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role to play at Disney, but now more than ever we want to put people who have sex with children front and center,” said company spokesperson Eloise Andrade, who explained that the decision to fire Gunn from the Marvel franchise had come only after the filmmaker angered Disney executives by apologizing for his 2009 tweets about enjoying pedophilia. “From John Lasseter to Harvey Weinstein, this company has a rich history of sexual predation, so Mr. Gunn, with his public endorsement of man–boy love, was always a good fit at Disney. We’re glad to have him back as we move forward with our plan to inject a pedophilic spirit into everything we create, be it a Marvel film that centers on Baby Groot or an extended release of 1928’s Steamboat Willie in which Mickey Mouse is shown to be transporting bound-and-gagged children in his ship’s cargo hold.” Andrade was quick to add that producers would be keeping a close eye on Gunn to make sure he does not try issuing any more apologies for the intense sexual yearnings he feels toward young children.

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