Yes you sexy FPL loving mother fuckers, happy Wednesday to you all and welcome back to another groundbreaking edition of ‘The Last XI’. This week I provide post-mortem to Gameweek 32 before quickly running to the maternity ward to safely deliver a healthy team for 33. So without further Freddy Adu, let’s look back at the weekend.

The rest of the Premier League trembled in fear this week as one of it’s most reputable managers’ tactical knowledge grew even stronger, gesticulating German Jurgen Klopp learned the invaluable lesson that having your best players on the pitch gives you a better chance of winning than playing 17 year olds, watch yourself Conte, your secret’s out. In North London kicking off a 4-0 drubbing of Watford, the Premier Leagues young handshaker of the year Dele Alli scored perhaps his best of 16 goals this campaign, prompting English media demanding that he lead us to a World Cup, a Euros, two tennis grand-slams, the Eurovision song contest, and well negotiated trade deals before the activation of Brexit. Last and certainly least was yet another 0-0 at the Riverside as dead-men-walking Middlesbrough dropped more points at home against Burnley. Boro failed to score a goal once again despite Alvaro Negredo’s excellent overhead effort being denied by a typical Tom Heaton wonder save, but as anyone who has ever been there will tell you, it’s not uncommon to be robbed of a bicycle in Middlesbrough.

Every team was in action this weekend and there were plenty of FPL favourites on the scoresheets, so let’s see how many of them found themselves in my team.

Gameweek 32

Transfers: None

Points: 70

Rank: 32,934 ↓

This week went down very much like being at the front of a busy Glastonbury gig and needing the toilet as soon as your favourite band comes on stage, I now find myself 205 places back from where I started but I can safely say I’m relieved, require minimal clean up, and am ready to start pushing forward again to the annoyance of everyone.

That’s right, of the 4.5 million players in this game I moved just 205 spaces BACK after a normally premium score of 70, this was due to pretty much every non-Chilean FPL favourite scoring highly in Gameweek 32. The thousands of dead teams with Ibra, Aguero, Lukaku, Hazard, Son, Coutinho etc. will all be knocking on the door of 100 points, and with the lion’s share of high-owned big-hitters not in my team, I’ll bite your hand off for such a small red arrow, especially after a massive stroke of luck on Sunday afternoon. Let’s have a look at my team…

The above picture by no means tells the full story of my near frustration this weekend. Despite both singing the praises of and titling my blog after Maya Yoshida, I foolishly benched the Saints defender in favour of goalophobic Boro striker Rudy Gestede before watching the South-Coast samurai score big for the third game in a row. Romantically wishing for Jamie Vardy to be rested ahead of his Champions League quarter final I was strangely surprised by Antonio Valencia being completely left out of the squad AGAIN ahead of their game against Sunderland, meaning my blushes were spared and Yoshida and his 9 points were warmly welcomed into my line-up. Alas my team selection was still far from perfect as Marc Albrighton continues his form, scoring a free-kick that was brilliant if he meant it, and an awful cross if he didn’t. Regardless of the result of the Atletico game I’ll be starting the winger next as since coming back from illness he has been very much on the Marc.

My captain was by no means a failure but after Dele Alli scored early on and Watford began to emulate 11 yellow training cones, I was teased with the likelihood of a massive score from the former MK Dons man. 8 points is never a disastrous score to be doubled especially as my decision was a toss up between him and the inferior scoring Eriksen, the only realistic regret would be not trusting the armband with 12 point Swede Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Alexis Sanchez begins to test my patience after an unprecedented third successive blank. Much like labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, Sanchez has been trying to make an impact from the left-wing but has constantly ended up looking sad and irrelevant. I’m giving the Chilean one more chance away to Middlesbrough and if he fails to return at the weekend I’m willing to risk not owning him for his DGW in favour of bringing in Eden Hazard, who has seemingly commandeered the wheel sailing Chelsea towards the title.

Finally after entertaining the idea of getting rid of Marcos Alonso, the wing back restored my faith after scoring a peach of a free-kick, however Chelsea’s inability to keep a clean sheet has become a massive concern.

So with many impressive performances and a fair few failures, let’s put this Gameweek behind us and move on to the weekend…

Gameweek 33

With the instant gratification culture that comes with video games and the internet, I have been left with the attention span of a goldfish with ADHD, but somehow I was disciplined & patient enough to save an extra transfer this week, meaning I can shift a few things around without the need for points hits, and there is a certain English striker with a receding hairline and the elocution of Jabba the Hutt that is almost certainly coming in.

Vardy > Kane

Normally I would wait a week or two before being certain of acquiring the services of a player so fresh from injury, but having watched the hurricane’s cameo against Watford it is evident that the faster you get this man in the better. A shot cleared off the line, a long range free kick that stung the crossbar, and a should-of-been assist to Heung Min Son who squandered his chance of a hattrick, Kane was desperately unlucky not to score points during his half hour of game time. Combining his ever-lethal ways with Vincent Janssen’s goal mouth inadequacy, it is apparent that at this point even a wheelchair bound Kane would be guaranteed at least 70 minutes of action, and at home to a leaky Bournemouth I’d rather own him than not.

Jamie Vardy has done nothing but impress me since bringing him in, but travelling away to an in form Palace side sandwiched between the two biggest games in the clubs history does not fill me with confidence. The Premier Leagues most prolific Jagermeister drinker will likely leave my team, averaging a score of 7 points per game since GW30, but very much like a Jager Bomb, the first 3 are brilliant, it’s the following 5 that will ruin your whole year.

With a luxurious £0.1 mil in the bank I need to find an extra £1.3 mil to facilitate the swap, and at the risk of looking like a mug come the weekend, it’s time to say goodbye to everyone’s favourite Icelander.

Gylfi Sigurdsson > Anyone under £6.2 Mil

Despite my undying love for the Nordic god that is Mr. Sigurdsson, three blanks since my wildcard is simply not on. Having watched a good portion of his game time of late, I can confirm that the iceman is at least trying, but his Swansea teammates are playing as sluggish and unmotivated as a gathering at Wiz Khalifa’s house, and Gylfi is receiving an involuntary contact high.

In full knowledge that Swansea’s quarterback can produce at any time (particularly away to a bipolar Watford side), getting rid of him may easily blow straight back in my face, but I believe there are many options equally as good right now at a much thriftier price tag…

Kevin Mirallas (Burnley H)

Despite what Rudy Gestede might tell you, Burnley at home is about as good a fixture as you can get right now, and with the fear of Lukaku’s hattrick potential in this one, it might be worthwhile cutting my losses and bringing in every Evertonian’s second favourite Belgian. Mirallas is by no means a consistently good player, but you’d never begrudge him getting on the scoreboard, seemingly securing a starting spot on the left wing thanks to injured Bolasie and inexperienced Lookman.

Big Kev comes off the back of two assists in the Toffees’ 4-2 win over Leicester, and could be a terrific differential at £6.0 mil.

Wilfried Zaha (Leicester H)

It’s form over fixtures in this one as despite Leicester at home seeming lighthearted given European commitments, the rest of Palace’s fixtures are horrible. What draws me to the man with a pack of Wotsits in his hair is his newfound ability to thrive in games against the top teams, with 11 points a piece against Chelsea and Arsenal over the past two weeks.

Having watched their recent games, it is evident that Zaha is the talisman for his team, his end product has improved vastly over the past year and his dribbling and chance creation remains among the best in the league. A double gameweek against Liverpool at Anfield and Spurs at home has gone from ‘don’t bother’ to ‘hmm, they could get something out of these’.

Zaha is an exciting player at his best and frustrating as hell at his worst, but I’ve got a feeling that his form isn’t over yet, and that immediate game against a Leicester side that has ulterior motives could be very lucrative indeed. I am a huge fan of this pick.

Jesse Lingard (Chelsea H)

*reluctantly dabs* Perhaps my most outlandish and laughable suggestion since… Rudy Gestede. Jesse Lingard sits at £5.6 mil and has to his credit (or perhaps United’s plight) been collecting a decent string of starts for the reds, and with two DGW’s and an eye for goal he could be a nice little earner. My concern with Jesse (besides not liking him) is the unpredictability of United’s lineup, Mourinho seems to see something in him that I don’t, but still I can’t be sure that Europa League progress won’t make this hipster shout turn me into a full fledged goth.

Lingard is the type of transfer I’d suggest to someone needing an insane differential to catch up on their mini-league rivals, so if you haven’t got the results you’d hoped this year then by all means enrol into dab university, but I sincerely hope it’s not your first choice.

Josh King (Spurs A)

As much as I like to plan for the long run, something really irks me about bringing in a player who is almost guaranteed a two pointer in his first game in my side.

King is in the form of his life and one of the few bright sparks in a lackluster Bournemouth side, and my stubbornness to bring him in has sent me sailing down the ranks in recent weeks. There are questions surrounding the former Blackburn youngster’s continued roll as penalty taker after missing against West Ham (before scoring a hattrick), which eliminates one of the main draws to him for me. Combine that with a lack of DGW and increasingly little for the cherries to play for, I feel getting King now could be a trap.

At the risk of further feeling the wrath of the OOP midfielder, I’m going to stay away from King in the hope that his form dies out. Much like the poor poor women of the late 8th century, I’m hoping to god that this Norwegian goes easy on me (and for those wondering, yes, that was indeed a viking rape joke).

Victor Moses (Man United A)

Admittedly reverse OOP (or to give it it’s scientific name, POO), the right wing back is never shy of getting forward. With a current lack of Chelsea coverage Moses could be a cheap look in to the points of a team gunning for the title, and at £5.5 mil, it’s valuable cash to save for a rainy day.

In a team that currently can’t keep a clean sheet to save their life (how times have changed), it’s less of a shame that this man won’t be getting 4 points for a cleany when no one else will anyway. I admittedly don’t hugley like this pick with only 3 goals and 3 assists from the Nigerian all year combined with a future risk of rotation if/when Chelsea do win the title, but with a trip to Old Trafford on the horizon, I could be kicking myself if Moses is the one to part the red sea.

Transfers and Captaincy

Having teased myself with all of these players, it’s time to give my potential decision in order of most likely to least…

Vardy & Siggy > Kane & Zaha (£0.4 mil ITB)

Vardy & Siggy > Kane & Mirallas (£0.2 mil ITB)

Vardy & Siggy > Kane & King (£0.3 mil ITB)

Vardy & Siggy > Kane & Moses (£0.8 mil ITB)

So with that in mind, and the fact that (spoiler alert) I may have already done the transfers to avoid price rises, my team looks like this ahead of Gameweek 33…

Jordan Pickford finally makes his debut in my side behind a far from appealing back four in terms of both my Fantasy team and his daunting reality. I don’t learn from my mistakes as Maya Yoshida once again finds himself unfairly on my bench, but I just can’t imagine the Saints shutting out Aguero this week.

I have a dangerous case of FPL hubris this week as my midfield looks sexy as ever, here’s hoping that Zaha can pick up some points against Leicester’s Under-15’s on Saturday. As stated earlier this is very likely to be last chance saloon for Sanchez who has become a very expensive pain in my side, but atleast away to Middlesbrough he’s got a clean sheet point in the bag.

For captaincy this week it absolutely has to be one of my Spurs boys at home to Bournemouth, it’s just a case of whom. To avoid all risk of a lingering injury reducing his game time and/or ability, I’m most likely leaving the armband off of Kane. Despite Dele Alli being in terrific form I have a strange feeling that Cristian Eriksen is going to pull off another one of his nonchalant 19 pointers, so on the back of sheer hunch (a proven tactic for disaster) Eriksen likely will be leading my team down the tunnel on Saturday afternoon.

Final Thoughts

So there we have it, Gameweek 33 is locked and loaded and for the time being I can relax and enjoy some Champions League without checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if Eriksen’s assist counted or not. I hope you’ve found this weeks edition helpful, thanks for reading and very good luck to you all in Gameweek 33