People, specifically male people, tend to think that it must be awesome being married to a sex writer. All the free Tengas and lube and porn, oh my! Indeed, sometimes I tease my husband, Christopher, that he has it so rough when, for example, I tell him that I need to give him an "orgasmic meditation blow job" -- for work. But then there are the less glamorous moments, like when an Autoblow2 arrives in the mail and I ask him to insert his most precious member into a piece of machinery that, in his words, "looks like a coffee grinder."

The Autoblow2, which was released today, is, according to its website, "THE CROWDFUNDED BLOWJOB ROBOT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT!" Picture a Fleshlight, that infamous pleasure tube with the fake labia on one end. Now imagine that inside the Fleshlight is deafeningly loud machinery that causes a pair of rings to grip the artificial-skin sleeve and move up and down at varying speeds. In other words, imagine a Fleshlight that does the work for you. Sounds brilliant, sounds awesome, sounds like THE FUTURE -- until the future is on your genitals, sounding like it might spontaneously combust.

Christopher got situated in bed and I unfolded the instructions, which began, "WARNING! READ SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS FIRST! TO REDUCE THE RISK OF BODILY INJURY, CAREFULLY FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS." I omitted that part and told him to grab some water-based lube. "It looks like something you would use to clean your pool," he said. Meanwhile, I kept reading, silently: "THE AUTOBLOW2 IS AN ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE. DO NOT USE IT IN OR NEAR WATER OR BODILY INJURY OR...