[San Francisco's] Green Apple Books is donating 100% of the profits from sales of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue: An American Life to the Alaska Wildlife Alliance --Green Apple blog

Did you think I was going to say toilet paper? Or birdcage liner? Something to do with animal waste in general or perhaps roadkill, moose droppings or Alaskan elk carcasses in particular?

Well, I am not going to say that. It's just far too easy, and obvious, and does nothing to give either "Going Rogue" or the former VP candidate its/her proper respect, and, of course, by "respect" I mean quivering lamentable hellshot of blinding cerebral pain that makes you wince as though you've just been smashed in the face with a hammer.

Here then, a far more artfully compiled list of things you can do with the former Alaska governor's book -- or, as millions might say, "book" -- should you accidentally stumble across one in a trash bin somewhere, which is very likely indeed, given how it will surely be available in the remainder bin at Wal-Mart in about three weeks, and you can pick up an entire pallet for about five bucks and a dead chicken.

1) Compost. Did you know most hardback books are nearly 100 percent compostable? That you could take that copy of "Going Rogue" you found in the dumpster at the Olive Garden, tear out all of its pages and mix them with the pile of rotting lettuce, taco drippings and bat guano in your back yard, let the maggots have at it, and create some nutrient-rich soil in which to grow your veggies? It's true! Nothing like taking the most inorganic substance known to man -- the tiny fundamentalist Republican mind -- and turning it back to nature.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Studies have shown that consuming foods grown using compost made from the pages of any book written by conservative politicians and/or Fox News pundits may result in bloating, brain damage, grammar mutilation and the mad desire to taxidermy your cat.

2) Gift wrap. Imagine the surprise, the wonder, the fuzzy Christian bliss that will flood over your NRA-loving grandpa when you hand him his Christmas present this holiday, and he sees it's been slathered all over with pages from the chapter about Sarah's moose-hunting adventures, or how God is responsible for bringing Sarah her lug-nut of a husband. Not only are you saving some trees by not using standard gift-wrap, your grandpa will probably be so deeply touched, he will likely run right out and shoot something large and antlered for you. Joy to the world!

3) Insane person, donation to. Perhaps you think insanity is sort of like Mexican food, the same ingredients remixed in different combinations. You could not be more wrong. Truly expert craziness -- the frothy spitting, the yelling at imaginary clowns, the walking sideways -- requires real work, years of honing and practice, just the right mix of phlegm, chemical imbalance and semi-coherent cultural referent.

What better gift for your local raving sociopath than a book chock full o' words that are already damn near incomprehensible to begin with? Toss a copy of "Going Rogue" to your favorite street maniac, watch his eyes turn flaming plaid with excitement, and wait for the fresh bout of inspired gibberish. Fun for kids!

4) Masturbatory aid. I don't know, either. But apparently it's the perfect device to rub all over your naughty bits as you make a sex tape that's about as genuinely dirty as watching salmon spawn. (Note: Carrie Prejean only).

5) Iranian revolution, trigger for. Right now, the last thing Iran's cretinous leaders want is another pro-democracy uprising from the educated classes. What better way for the U.S. to inspire a new round of violent unrest than by air-dropping hundreds of thousands of copies of "Going Rogue" all over the streets, each with a personal note saying, "With love, Ayatollah."

Iranian citizens will be so insulted by this obvious effort to keep them ignorant and oppressed, a new bout of aggressive resistance is bound to be unleashed, leading to inevitable government overthrow. Viva la revolucion!

6) Torture device. A no-brainer, really. Got a suspect in custody? A nasty Taliban leader hell-bent on undermining America's love of shopping malls and sparkling vampires and free streaming porn? No problem. Strap 'em down, gag 'em up, and watch their eyes widen in horror as you pull up a chair and begin reading. "Going Rogue." It's the new waterboarding!

7) Unruly child becalmer. (Similar to above, only family friendly). Got a kid who refuses go to bed? Won't stop screaming for another bedtime story? Whip out "Rogue" and threaten to read more words from "the scary bright-faced lady who talks like an encephalitic ferret who's been smacked by a baseball bat and won't shut up." Your kids will pipe down in an instant.

8) FBI profile confuser. Attention, conspiracy theorists: Are sinister government agencies tracking your every move? Worried they know your habits and proclivities, your weird predilection for elaborate bunny masks and chain mail underwear and infrared video equipment?

Salvation has arrived. What better way to throw the FBI, CIA and black helicopters off your trail than by displaying a copy of "GR" prominently in your living room for all the satellite surveillance cameras to see? Watch as their interest in your disturbing personal behavior drops like a stone, as they realize you're actually dumb as a pinecone and are therefore no threat whatsoever to the dominant paradigm of fear, sexual hysteria and sad cultural fetish for pathetic sparkling vampires who never have sex.

9) Cry for help. Do not be at all surprised if, as you near the end of this book, you hear a knock on your door. You open it only to find your two remaining friends and one family member standing there with some physical restraining devices, a large syringe of instant muscle relaxant and some heavyset dudes in white coats. What's this? An intervention? You're worried about my well-being? My sanity? Get away from me! I'm fine! No, no, no! You'll never take me! Get away from my bunny masks! What do you mean, a nice, long stay at a mental hospital for some "rest"? Nooooo!

Many years of drug/electroshock therapy later, you will hopefully awaken from your nightmare GOP fever dream, and thank them.

10) Apocalypse detector. It has been widely rumored that HarperCollins secretly embedded a tiny sensor in the cover of thousands of copies of "GR" to be sold in various welfare states and Glenn Beck's Elmo fetish dungeon. When the Rapture is nigh, the sensors will cause Sarah's breasts to glow bright red and start blinking furiously. Soon after, the book will begin smoking, and quickly burst into flame. Then Jesus will reappear, laugh hysterically, and with a friendly wink, whisk all fundamentalist Christians away to the great monster truck rally/moose hunting lodge in the sky. Then the real peace on Earth begins. Rejoice!

Mark Morford's latest book is 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism'. Join Mark on Facebook and Twitter, or email him. His website is markmorford.com. For his yoga classes, workshops and retreats, click markmorfordyoga.com.

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