Reading time: 11 minutes

Considering that ‘Top 5’s’ seem to be the internet’s favoured listing method and most popular way to lazily absorb information, allow me to shove sh*tting facts and opinions down your fat throat whilst you, I don’t know, slurp the grease from a BigMac, take a selfie, or… wank into a flannel, because that’s what I do now, I say ‘stuff’.

This list is about weird sh*t in China. Most ranking lists go in reverse order, why? Well, that’s a strategy writers use to keep you interested and scrolling, because otherwise, they know you’ll only read number 1 and fu*k off. Though, unlike pointless clickbait riddled with ads, I have faith not only in my material, but faith in my readers, the faith to know that you’ll continue reading on, and not just skip to the superlative of whatever fu*king pop topic is on display. Saying all that, I’ve just remembered that faith isn’t in my vocabulary and I have trust issues. So, without further ado, here’s a Top 5 Weird Sh*t in China list, in reverse order.

5. Marriage.

What is marriage? “The unification of two kindred spirits”, right, get out!

Before I delve into one of China’s strange traditions with regards to marriage, let us educate ourselves on the topic so not to say such silly cliché expressions again that make you look like a giant misinformed fool; misinformed like a paedophile smelling the pants of a grown woman.

I’m going to expand on, ‘Euro marriage’, as opposed to marriage on a global scale, as trying to understand or define marriage universally, is like trying to agree which religion is the right one, and that depends on where you’re born of course. Then again, most brides care not for the origins of marriage, just so long as they can get loads of attention and be seen to be ‘religious and pure’… yeah right, you’d probably get fingered for a cornetto, and that’s not very Christian now, is it!

At the beginning of the middle ages, marriages were not religious ceremonies, rather, more like business agreements between families, bringing their estate’s together, thus ensuring that lands stayed within the family and combined said soil into bigger assets. And then in the 16th century, the church took over the business of marriage and made the oath into a sacrament, which had to be performed by a priest. Just to note, it took over a thousand years for the church to allow marriage into its own ritual. Think about it, a thousand years to pass marriage into the church, I’m pretty sure that’s more efficient than our governments today.

Yes, marriage is odd, a pagan tradition that long existed before Christianity, yet ‘princesses’ insist on having their special day held within the four walls of some gang that once despised it. So, my longwinded point is this, if it’s your dream to get married in a church because you think the building is “beautiful”, then you’re a thick-skulled mascara wearing moron and your fiancé should run away now. If you’re wanting to get married within a church because you think it’s ‘proper’, I offer you this truth, it is not ‘proper’ it is pagan and the rings are pagan, they’re symbolic, and God fu*king hates symbolic sh*t, so if you truly want a ‘traditional’ wedding, go and have sex against the wall of whatever deity you’ve got hanging on there and slit the neck of a pig. After all, sex really was considered the best way to connect to the divine. That’s a fact.

So, now we’ve established your dreams are based around absolutely nothing, or ‘misdirected’ if I were a kinder man, let’s learn about China’s marriage tradition.

You know how in the West the groom mustn’t see the bride in her dress before the big day? Well, in China, the groom and his band of merry drunk men do the opposite and come in search of the bride and her bridesmaids. The bride and her hens will await her soon to be ‘man of the hour’, as he comes knocking at her door.

“Hmm, does he gently knock knock at her door?”

No, he does not, reader.

“Hmm, does he come with flowers and far much more?”

No, he does not, reader.

“What does he do, Lee?”

He smashes her fu*king door in. No, not an orifice, but the door to her house.

Yes, as the bridesmaids hold back the door from inside with their bodies sprawled wide like starfish, the ‘princess’ hides in her bedroom, testing that her man is powerful enough to make his way to her. The bridesmaids are slowly squashed behind the door as the powerful male’s kick, punch, and utterly demolish the obstruction, trampling over the crushed skulls of the maids, groping them as they go. All the while, the bride to be gazes through her watery tear struck eyes at the strength and achievement of her mighty little man as he pushed through a door being held by giggling, feeble, and ‘under the instruction to give way’ bridesmaids.

Wow, Chinese men, you… are… mighty.

Yeah, in China the groom, accompanied by his ‘stags’ must get past the front door in order to capture his bride to be, a door that is blockaded by bridesmaids. It’s a test or ‘summin’, or perhaps a more fitting description would be, ‘weird sh*t’. Anyway, it can get so out of control that bridesmaids have been beaten and bruised through ‘excitement’ and on one occurrence, as a bride jokingly struggled to get away, she fell off her balcony and broke into tens of misshapen and unrecognizable pieces.

All I’d be thinking is, “someone’s paying for that bloody front door!”

4. Spitting.

I’m sure as a reader of ‘C.I.A’, that’s what I’m calling it now, ‘C.I.A’, you’re fully aware of the spitting culture in China. If you’re not familiar with C.I.A *wink face* then I’ll ‘learn you’ this briefly; Chinese people spit everywhere, anywhere, here and there, here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink, Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-OOOOOOO.

…

Now, I have actually asked many Chinese people as to why they (or fellow citizens) do spit habitually, I mean, this isn’t just my opinion or view, I do actually do my research. I’m a professional.

I asked a hundred people, “Why do you spit?”

Our survey says, “Because phlegm is bad for the body”.

Now, I’m not a physiologist nor an evolutionary biologist (I just wanted to clear that up just in case there was any speculation), but I’m pretty sure that if it’s in there in such an abundance, it’s probably meant to be in there… like blood.

The habit of spitting is completely accepted as normal behaviour, in fact, as I found out through my field research, it is encouraged in order to “get rid of poisons“. This ‘mannerism’ actually contributes to the spread and escalation of illness and disease, such as the infamous breakout of SARS in 2003 (which the Chinese government tried to cover up). A raincoat, wellies and gloves really are all necessary when walking beneath a residential building, by a bus, in the streets, in a restaurant… fu*k it, everywhere in China.

For me, it wasn’t so much the physical presence of Chinese sticky lung nectar sprawled on every floor tile, but the manner in which it is ‘expelled’ from the body. Now, I’m not talking about your casual and excusable, “ahem”, I’m talking about your fully-fledged energetic throat/lung clearing; you know, it’s that sound chavs make when building up spit to project onto the floor to mark their territory.

3. Holidays.

How can holidays be weird, Lee, you di*k? Well, it’s not the concept of holidays that has earned its place on my list, rather the way in which the Chinese people ‘holiday’. In China, there are three main holidays and during those holidays the country essentially shuts down as everyone goes to their hometowns…stupid, what If I want a loaf of bread and a pint of milk, piss off with your traditions and serve me! (no I joke, have your holidays you deserve them, babe).

In China, everyone goes on holiday at the exact same time, and the people are too nervous to travel alone, so they go in mass tours with matching t-shirts, hats, and stupid flags waving about to keep them in line. It’s as if they consider the world a safari and they see safety in numbers, except, we live outside the zoo… it’s safer out here!

Chinese tourists are infamous for their disgraceful behaviour when abroad, and they even need to read government-issued pamphlets on how to behave overseas! They’ve been known to deface Egyptian hieroglyphics, urinate on the floor of a Russian palace and be just generally awful, ignorant, and disrespectful towards the countries they visit, a bit like British tourists with their ‘lads holidays’; and by the way, you’re not ‘lads’, you all work in Safeway’s wiping bogies on tins of beans and use too much product in your hair, you cu*ts!

It is estimated that within 40 days, 3.7 million Chinese travel about during holiday periods, now, I’m no statistician but I’m pretty sure that’s equivalent to how many insects and tramps spawn if I leave a jam and crack sandwich hamper out in the sun…mental!

Here’s a link to a video showing the madness that occurs when the Chinese return from vacation.

Oh, and here’s a link to that cesspool swimming pool in the picture above! Must watch!

2. Mentality.

Of course, with every country, comes tradition, culture and a way of thinking, ‘a psychological outlook’ on life, if you will. This is one of the most prominent factors that will stick in your side like a massive fu*king thorn, a thorn that irritates and baffles rather than hurts you.

Chinese mentality can come across as…shameless. For example:

“Oh, I’m just in a shop, waiting in line to be served, ah, I’m next, I’ll just hand my stuff over to the checkout gi…”

In steps a man from behind, a man that doesn’t much fancy queuing up, so wants serving now, he reaches over me, leaning his arm on my shoulder and waving his money across my face. If this was in the U.K the server would throw acid in his face and tell him to get in line, but in China, the server will always… always serve the person who pushes in. This leaves you, the rightful person to be served next, stood with your items in your hand and your heart on your sleeve, crushed that you mean less as a person than a cu*t who pushes in line. Fu*king checkout usurpers!

Here’s another.

You know when you want to catch your train or your next victim so you bolt it up/down the stairs as opposed to using the elevator or escalator because they’re much slower? Well, in China, regardless if there’s only one floor to be taken, they will always use the way which requires less energy/movement. I’ve seen people in wheelchairs having to wait to use elevators because able-bodied people prioritise themselves first.

And speaking of elevators, be sure to hurry up and get off at your floor because typically speaking the Chinese people will never ever wait for you to get out. As you arrive at your desired floor, the doors will open and before you can take your first step, they will blockade the door, squeeze in, and stand in front of you, never giving you a chance to leave. It’s like holding the door for someone in the U.K, if you don’t take your chance, your Britishness will lock you into holding that door open for hours as more and more people come in!

In China, I once spent the afternoon just trying to leave my apartment building! I visited more floors in that lift than a prostitute would in a government building! Maybe I should learn from my good friend Woody, who says, “I push them all out of my way, and shout the rules of lift etiquette“.

Last one.

During the colder months, the Chinese will tell you to leave your car when they’re filling it up with fuel for you, as the ‘static in the dry air can cause an ignition resulting in an explosion’, bear in mind, the guy who’s telling you this has a cigarette in his mouth. Yeah, you’ll always find people smoking in petrol stations.

The reason that this is important to note, is because it reflects on how the Chinese perceive rules, generally speaking, if it causes no obstruction to them, they’ll follow it, if it hinders them in any way, they’ll simply ignore it.

1. Medicine.

Chinese ‘medicine’ is one of the most irritating and unsophisticated methods of healthcare that I have ever experienced. Generally, it smells like the inside of a teenagers beanie and looks as dodgy and as experimental as their browser history. In China, the mentality towards health is pretty illogical, mental health is essentially non-existent, doctors push drugs and IV drips onto nearly every patient unnecessarily, and believe it or not, some students use IV drips for ‘studying better‘ (click the link). Hospitals treat patients like customers and push as many ‘drugs’ onto them as possible.

I myself have been to a Chinese hospital for a simple eye exam, I walked through a corridor filled with peasants patients sitting on the floor smoking cigarettes and with flies buzzing around festering wounds. I took the elevator to the next floor (which had blood spots in) got off at my floor and was greeted by… no one, there wasn’t a single person there, the entire floor was empty.

I walked up an unlit hospital corridor, saying, “hello?” as if I was in the Walking Dead, my voice echoed around the barren space which utterly terrified me. After walking around a while with my ‘gun app’ open, locked and loaded, I found a man slouched over and asleep in a chair; I woke him by prodding his carcass with the butt of my gun (phone) to ask where I needed to go to have my eyes checked, he grunted, “…here“.

He was the doctor!

I went into a room and sat on a leather chair that had yellowing foam lolling out of it, he looked into my eyes like some Mystic Meg and just said, “you’re tired, go sleep” and then charged me a hefty fee. A Chinese hospital is the sort of place you’d wipe your feet when leaving and if you don’t go in with an illness, you’ll almost certainly come out with one.

Creating a market…genius!

I’ve been sat in restaurants and had patients come in from the nearby hospital, still wearing their gowns and still with open wounds, and in all honesty, wheeling an IV drip behind them. The seriousness of health and the understanding of how it works does not come into conversation; the Chinese logic towards health is childlike, and I mean that in the most inoffensive way possible. I’m not saying it is childish, just childlike, and by that, I mean it is naïve and simple in its understanding.

“Don’t eat cold stuff when you’re pregnant, it will freeze your womb”

“Consuming Soy sauce when pregnant means your baby will be black”

“Consuming a water bug will stop you wetting the bed”

In a childlike way, I can see the construction of these beliefs and how they make these very simple connections, but to accept it as truth and treat people with this way of thinking is utterly ridiculous and quite frankly dangerous. I’m all for alternative medicine, if it works, as I understand that some western medicines are aggressive and corrosive, like chemotherapy, where essentially you’re nuking your insides, but fu*k me, if I was on my death bed, I’d rather inject FDA approved drugs than I would stuff potato and ginger down my cock!

In relation to medical understanding, the only normal thing that the Chinese do believe is, “when sick, open the window to let fresh air in“, which is great, well done for getting that right, but be advised, if you let your germs out the window in China, they’ll mutate in the pollution and come back in to beat you up!

Chinese medicine is not accepted nationally, and by that I mean, If I am in a city, the local people will tell me to “chew my nans toenails” if I’m sick (for example), but if I go half an hour down the road, other ‘local people’ will tell me, “no, that doesn’t work, you need to drink radish and sulphur tea“.

My point is, if a medicines credibility isn’t accepted within a five-mile radius, then I’m sorry, but I can’t accept it as proven medicine. To counter this, I have been told, “we believe that local peoples bodies are different to one another“.

And to counter that, I say, we share 99.5% of our DNA with chimpanzees, if your bodies are different in any way, then you’re more of a chimpanzee than you are a human.