Misandrist Christmas Carols

This holiday installment of Misandrist Lullabies has been brought to you by an anonymous, misandry-loving reader, on behalf of her terrible, soon-to-be-ex-boss.

Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen,

Men are incapable of goodness;

It is impossible for a man to be good.

No man who claims the right to rule over others is good.

I Saw Mommy Gelding Santa Claus

God rest you merry, Gentlemen,

Let nothing you dismay,

For nothing ill shall befall you

Upon this Christmas day

Put down your weapons, rest your eyes,

Sweetly let down your guard.

You do not hear anything that’s sounding odd

Go tell it on the mountain

Over the hills and everywhere

Go tell it on the mountain

There remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation and eliminate the male sex

Deck the hall with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la la la la la

‘Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la la la la la

Don we now our gay apparel

Troll the ancient Christmas carol,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

See the blazing males before us,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Strike the harp and join the chorus.

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure,

While I tell of Christmas treasure,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Fast away the man-fire passes,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Bid farewell to lads, ye lasses!

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Sing we joyous all together,

Heedless of their screams and weather,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

It’s beginning to look like Misandristmas

Everywhere you go

Take a look at the Tomb of Men

Glistening once again

With skull-topped monuments and graves aglow

Come they told me, pa rum pa pum pum

A newborn king to see, pa rum pa pum pum

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pa pum pum

The glass escalator‘s hidden benefits for well-connected men begins at birth

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

The very next day, you gave it away

Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women’s bodies

I’ll have a blue Christmas without global lesbian trans-inclusive separatism

You really must stay

Please — it’s so cold outside

You can’t get away

I’ll die of cold outside

Please let me back in

Been hoping that you’d drop by

Don’t let me die

I’ll sit and watch you turn to ice

I wish I knew how

Your eyes look so black right now

To break this spell

I’ll take your hat, your shoes as well

I’ve got to get home

No, you’ll stay and freeze out there

At least lend me a coat

It’s up to your knees out there

How can you do this thing to me?

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow

The snow will bury your sorrow

At least there will be plenty implied

I’ll watch you catch pneumonia and die

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,

The little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head,

The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay,

The heterosexual nuclear family model is a disease that must be eliminated.

They know that Santa’s on his way;

He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.

And every mother’s child is going to try

To crusade for a one-sex world free of men

What child is this, who, laid to rest,

On Mary’s lap is sleeping,

Whom angels greet with anthems sweet

While shepherds watch are keeping?

It is only a boy

It is only a boy, let us go away

On the first day of Christmas

my true love sent to me:

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

He believed my love could be bought

He believed that I could be bought

He believes all women can be bought

Gift-giving is oppressive and wrong

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (And We’re Ready For Him)

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,

With a corncob pipe and a button nose,

And two eyes made out of coal and all of the attendant economic advantages and social privileges conferred upon a snow-white man for simply existing

He has everything to be jolly about

He has everything

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,

my two front teeth,

see my two front teeth

All I want for Christmas is to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig

Then I could wish you Merry Christmas!

Santa baby, my behavior is none of your concern

Santa baby, my goodness and the number of men I have or haven’t kissed have nothing to do with one another

Santa what are the working conditions like for the miners in that platinum mine you gave me the deed for

Santa I’m responsible for providing them with a living wage and guarding them from occupational hazards

Santa baby, the occupational safety of the working poor is a feminist issue

I’m concerned about asbestos-related heart and lung cancer rates among the employees of my platinum mine

[With gelding-related joke assistance from @cushbomb, a man]