CANBERRA – A local Australian man, trapped in a raging inferno inside a warehouse, has been accused of playing politics by others cornered by the fire, when he pointed out that countless peer-reviewed studies indicated there was a large door close by, through which they could all escape just steps away.

“He’s clearly in the pocket of Big Survival,” grumbled a man through his wetted t-shirt, held over his mouth as he stubbornly continued to shop for factory-direct jeans. “I’m not even sure there is a fire, and personally plan on waiting for there to be more evidence that this is an actual,” here he paused to gasp for breath and clutched at his throat, “emergency.”

Alerted to the situation, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison said that out of respect for the people that have already died in the killer blaze, he would not be discussing preventive measures for warehouse fires at this time. Or anytime soon. And definitely not in the distant future. He then shifted the conversation to his dismay over the lack of media coverage surrounding the positive economic news that retail sales were still being made even while the building burned.

Other countries that also have factory outlets and shoppers, are reportedly watching the situation closely.

“You can never be too careful with a large retail fire,” opined US President Donald Trump, “All that merchandise! Imagine the disaster if it spreads into the electronics aisle. It could take weeks for the local economy to recover. They really should’ve raked the aisles.”

Inside the warehouse, the man pointing the way out was reportedly losing hope.

“Christ’s sake mates,” the man shouted, waving frantically with one hand while brandishing a fire extinguisher in the other. “The exit’s right bloody here! We just have to leave our shopping behind, slightly alter our habits, and make a brisk walk for it.”

“Oh no, you won’t trick me with that one, ya commie bastard,” a woman shouted over the shrieking fire alarms, while trying to calm her two young children. “I just bought these gas-powered his and hers hot tubs for our second guest room. We aren’t going anywhere. Shit, I reckon if I wait long enough the firemen can help me tie these things onto the roof of me car.”



