WASHINGTON–showing a newfound confidence, House Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) today warned Democrats that he would be giving them “super-creepy kisses” every day until the Keystone XL pipeline is approved and signed.

“We have an expanded majority, and I’ve just come from the Georgetown Pizza Hut all-you-can-eat lunch buffet,” said Boehner, speaking at an event to benefit mentally handicapped Republican Senators. “We’re going to use both of those tools to get what we want.”

Having demonstrated the seriousness of his threat on Nancy Pelosi (D–CA), Boehner warned the Democratic leadership that he would “creepy-kiss one of them each day” until the Keystone XL bill is passed and signed by President Obama. “And don’t think you can get away with a veto,” said Boehner, referring to the president. “I’ve got something special planned for you.”

Pelosi was treated for cuts and bruises and taken to the hospital as a precaution. Her chances of survival, previously estimated at 100%, dropped to 40% when the ambulance was diverted to Walter Reed Medical Center.



Boehner plants one on Nancy Pelosi, after threatening her with a giant mallet to make her stand still