One wizard's opinions on why everyone else is stupid and bad at everything.

A Note from the Author

During my interview with the famed mage and artificer Bjorn Alehallow, he described to me several of his favourite creations from his time travelling with various adventuring parties of unusually uniform membership. Several of these are detailed below.

Bjorn's Marvellous Harness

Armour (studded leather), rare, requires attunement

"This is Bjorn, my pet wizard." The giant barbarian gestured to the mage strapped into his curious armour. "Say hello Bjorn." ~ Thorgak the Destroyer.

This leather and metal harness is designed for the wearer to carry another creature into battle.

In addition to counting as a suit of +2 Studded Leather, you can strap a humanoid of one size category smaller than you into the harness, mounting them upon your chest. While you are thus attached to each other, you both benefit from the protective effects of the armour, (the harnessed creature does not require proficiency in light armour, and can cast spells as normal).

Additionally, when rolling for initiative, pick the higher of your two rolls: you both act on this initiative count.

Bjorn's Aggravated Punchline

Weapon (mace), rare, requires attunement by a non-chaotic creature

"Justin. For pity's sake. I swear, to any god that will have me, that if you make one more pun, I will stick my arcane focus so far up your posterior, you'll be coughing up lightning bolts until Midsummer. Do I make myself clear?" Bjorn Alehallow, shortly before leaving the 'Stand Up for What's Right' All-Comedian Bard Troupe, Wrong-Righters, Maiden-Wooers and Travelling Circus Extraordinaire'.

This plain, serviceable looking iron mace is nonetheless magical. The word "NO!" is engraved into the very end of the mace.

Any attack made with this weapon against a target that currently has an unspent bardic inspiration die is made with advantage, and on a hit you roll an additional damage die.

Additionally, if a creature makes a pun within 30ft of this weapon while you are attuned to it, they must succeed on a DC 13 Constitution Saving Throw or take psychic damage equal to your proficiency bonus.

Bjorn's Unstinking Censer

Wondrous item, rare

"I don't mind, if you have undead minions, I just mind the smell." Bjorn Alehallow, to a Cleric of St. Anthony.

As an action, you can light a small amount of incense worth 5gp in this intricate bronze censer. For 10 minutes, creatures within 15ft have advantage on constitution saving throws made to resist the poisoned or sickened conditions. Additionally, enemies within 60ft have disadvantage on perception rolls made against undead targets.

Spectacles of Conferred Modesty

Wondrous item, uncommon, requires attunement

"Yes, but the fact remains that every other Druid comes out of their animal form with their CLOTHES ON!" Bjorn Alehallow, to the Grand Druid of the Scour Forest.

While wearing these thin crystal spectacles, if you would see an object, creature or scenario that would cause you embarassment on someone else's behalf, thin black bars appear on the lenses over sections of the image that you find distressing.

Hobnail Boots of Explosive Entry

Wondrous item, uncommon, requires attunement

"Yes I know kicking the door in looks heroic Thaddeus, but if you carry on your knee is only going to get worse." Bjorn Alehallow, during his time working with the Aelyn Fighter's Guild.

While attuned to these sturdy boots, you can cast the Knock spell once per day by kicking a locked object.

Bjorn's Salacious Spices.

Wondrous item, uncommon

"Oh. It's a single, small bowl of plain rice. Again. Oh good. My favourite." Bjorn Alehallow, while staying with the Monks of the Silver Dragon.

Adding a pinch of the sparkling powder from this small paper packet to any meal while whispering the name of a foodstuff allows the eater of the meal to magically alter both the flavour and texture of the food to match that of the whispered word.

Amulet of Parsimonious Assumption

Wondrous item, uncommon

"It's a spork, Declan. A gods-damned, thrice-cursed SPORK! HOW CAN A BLOODY SPORK BE EVIL?" Bjorn Alehallow, to a knight of the Order of Berofell.

Whenever a paladin makes use of their Divine Sense feature within 10ft of this amulet, or a Detect Good and Evil spell is cast within the same radius, one randomly selected non-magical object within range appears as every possible creature type listed in either description, and to have been desecrated as per the Hallow spell.