THE thing you keep your stuff in that’s owned by the bank and that no-one wants to buy anyway is worth £6000 less than it used to be, according to new research.



The Halifax monthly thing price survey found that if there was even the slightest possibility of anyone wanting to buy the place where your stuff is you would just end up owing the Halifax even more money.

A spokesman said: “This is the biggest thing price fall since there were records. So, that’s maybe 1984? When did Brothers in Arms come out?

“Anyway, what it means for the likes of you is that for the time being you should probably just keep living there, giving us our FUCKING MONEY every month and making yourself feel better by putting up a new coat hook as part of your elaborate pretence at ownership.

“When it’s time to MOVE THE FUCK OUT we’ll send you a really nice letter with lots of confusing numbers on it.”

Helen Archer, who has permission from a group of Spaniards to keep her stuff in a two bedroom thing in Finsbury Park, said: “Sometimes I think about not paying the Spaniards and then I imagine what it would be like if everyone did the same.

“And sometimes I mention this to other people and they shout at me very loudly and say, ‘No! That would be very very bad! Everyone would die!’ And then they call me a ‘stupid bloody cow’.

“But I’m pretty sure that everyone would actually be just fine and then we would all have a place that really was our own. But I don’t say that out loud. Because of the shouting.”

She added: “Do you like my new coat hook?”