“He ranted and raved for more than an hour this afternoon, airing every grievance, grinding every ax — it was his Pettysburg Address.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Seriously, I haven’t seen that many happy white guys since the Utah Jazz made the playoffs.” — JIMMY FALLON

“He finally found the one job he’s qualified for, newspaper boy.” — SETH MYERS

“Before his victory speech, Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast, which was a tough decision, because on the one hand, he doesn’t like to pray, but on the other hand, he loves breakfast. So he went. He used it as an opportunity to lash out at those who oppose him, just as Jesus would have done.” — JIMMY KIMMEL