“Hello, sir. Welcome to The Gratitude Administration Center. How may I help you? Oh dear, you look like a train just ran over you. Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay? I am new to this planet and they told me to come here for something called thanking credits. Said I have to. To live. Miss, I am desperate. Been here a week and the aliens here are driving me crazy.”

“Aliens? Ha ha! On this planet, you, sir, are the alien. As am I. We are guests.”

“Never mind what to call them. I need food. A job. A place to stay. But everything I do offends them. Every time I open my mouth. It is getting scary. The Human Naturalization House will only let me stay a couple of more days. After that, I am on my own.

“I am still trying to understand what happened this afternoon. All I did was say thank you. I really meant it. I was so hungry, and one of them had brought me this big basket full of colorful fruit, exotic, beautiful, and glistening.

“I was so happy to have real food for a change, I thought they were my new friends, but when I thanked them, all hell broke loose. They chattered and jabbered, they snatched the basket from me and started throwing the fruit into the fire; then they stomped on the basket and stormed out. Never gave me a hint of what I did wrong.

“An elderly man was watching it all from the street and tried to explain. He said I needed to come here and get something called gratitude credits. I am wishing I had never volunteered to leave earth, no matter how overpopulated it is. So tell me: what do I do to get gratitude credits?”

“Sorry, sir, for the misfortune. Yes, the rules for thanking on this planet are certainly complex. And one of the rules is that any thanking must be backed by a thanking credit, or your thanking is considered insincere. There is even a word for it which literally means blank thank. You were probably being shunned for blank thanking.

“You need thanking credits, bunches of them, to back your gratitude. but there is a limit to how many you can get in a day. This prevents gushing, which is a vile offense here as well that can land you in Appeasement Jail. Each gratitude credit costs 50 human dollars.

“Recipients usually use credits to buy gift baskets. You probably saw all the gift basket shops, a human idea that caught on like crazy here. You should buy as many gratitude credits you can get. Because of the rampant hospitality you are going to need every one of them. You need credits to prove you are grateful, because only the grateful are likely to be hired.

“You must remember: their civilization was built on the bedrock of gratitude. It is what encouraged them to cooperate. No wonder, since gratitude is their only real emotion, supported by two attitudes: being pleased and being miffed. The problem is that they are pretty easy to miff. Whatever you do, you must not miff them. They go crazy.

“To avoid miffing, always match the gratitude to the gift. Never too much, never too little. And remember: whenever you give a thanking credit, you must fill out a tax form afterward explaining why and how you thanked them.

“It is all very complicated, so I recommend reading their classics: The Art of Thanking Moderately and The Scourge of the Ungrateful. Oh. They also offer a course designed especially for colonists called, “The Science of Gratitude.” It teaches you to draw gratitude graphs to make sure your response exactly matches the gift or good deed.”

“Miss, please, all I wanted to do was thank someone for a fruit basket. Now you are saying that I have to read books? Draw graphs? Take a course? Buy expensive credits when I have no money at all?”

“No money? I must say, sir, you are at a terrible disadvantage. The poor, because of their inability to afford thanking credits, are considered the most ungrateful of all, which is why everyone hates them so much. Hmm, oh dear, you look terribly upset. Maybe I can do you a favor, give you one of my thanking credits. You could take it to the ones who gave you the fruit basket. When you thank the natives properly, they are the kindest and most hospitable people you will ever meet.”

“What if they do me more favors and I am unable thank them?”

“Cross that bridge when you come to it. Here. I am feeling generous today. Take the credit.”

“Why, that is so kind. Thank you.”

“Oh my dear, you should not have said that. Now you have to give it back. Here. Take the long form.”

“What? I am not filling out any form. Besides, you are human like me.”

“It is their planet. I have to play by their rules if I want to keep my job.”

“I hate this planet.”

“So do I. Now fill out the long form. And good luck with the natives.”