Halle Berry won an Oscar once. That’s worth bearing in mind when you watch the trailer for her new, twice-delayed movie Kidnap. This is an Oscar-winner you’re watching. Just look at the prestige dripping from this thing.

Here is Halle Berry, playing a game of brum-brum in her car with her son, whom she loves. I mean, she evidently doesn’t love him enough to keep her eyes on the road, but that’s beside the point. The film’s called Kidnap, after all, not Vehicular Homicide Due to Parental Negligence.

Berry has taken her son to the world’s least realistic park. If it were realistic, then all the parents would be exhaustedly slumped in a corner, looking at their phones, while their kids smack each other with discarded condoms and get attacked by wasps.

After momentarily turning her back, Halle Berry realises that her son is missing. This is just a wild hunch here, and forgive me if I’m wrong, but I think he might have been kidnapped.

Yep, there he is, being kidnapped. Fortunately, this is the year 2016 and Halle Berry has a clear view of the kidnapper, so all she needs to do is call the police with the licence-plate number and model of his car and they’ll be able to track it with helicopters.

She can’t do that, though, because her phone fell out of her handbag during all the panic. Still, at least she looks like a sensible woman. I see no real reason why she can’t just methodically utilise the services of the local law-enforcement agency to find her son in a manner that doesn’t exploit the very real horror of child abduction for cheap kicks.

Oh right. That’s why she can’t do any of that.

So, now that she knows who’s producing this film, Halle Berry reacts accordingly by chasing the car, pulling this face a lot and screaming like she’s the last one standing in a slasher movie.

Now for the trailer’s most overtly terrible scene. Finally seeing sense, Halle Berry goes to the police station to report her missing child. An officer tells her to wait and file a report, and that’s when Berry sees all the posters for missing children. She has an epiphany. “That’s what all these people did,” she whispers in a piece of real dialogue that someone actually wrote. “They waited.” Yeah, that’s right, all you idiots with abducted kids. That’s why you never got your child back. It’s because you took the time to file a police report instead of haphazardly driving around town crashing into things and screaming. If only you were as much of a badass as Halle Berry, perhaps you’d have found your kid by now.

So Berry leaps into her car and attempts to hunt down the kidnapper. She also causes a number of spectacular car crashes along the way. Probably fatal ones, too. It’s safe to assume that Halle Berry is now responsible for the deaths of dozens of innocent people, but that probably doesn’t matter. After all, what are the police going to do? Their jobs?

The trailer ends with Berry staring down her son’s kidnapper and growling: “You took the wrong kid.” Not “abducting children is wrong, so please stop doing it”. Not “the police will be here in a minute”. “You took the wrong kid.” This is basically a film about a terrifying vigilante who kills innocent people and then chides her son’s abductor for not performing due diligence during the research phase of his kidnapping. Let that be a lesson to any aspiring child abductors out there: you should only kidnap the children of anyone who looks like they don’t love their kid as much as Halle Berry. Not that it matters, of course, because as soon as she’s reunited with her son, she’s getting sent to prison for murder. I hope this film makes no money and ends someone’s career.