What happened, Gillette? “The Best a Man Can Get.” Those were the days. For as long as we can remember we dreamed about you, and now you seem so far away, Gillette. All epic triumph, masculine chorus, financial and sportive success: long gone, Gillette. Everything we’ve been promised gone because of Gillette, decline of the West — Gillette.

But really, what happened? Some woke marketing exec with a liberal arts degree bobo-family of rentiers, world-traveled, cosmopolitan DNA, internships in New York, Paris, London and family-connection-made Gillette-smooth entry into the big corporate world, with old guys eager to fulfill their corporate governance-codex-TM-imposed gender quota, obediently enduring that entitled-daughter spirit of “watch me change the world” enabled by the Gillette-clean cut filter-bubble from all psychological reality of the decent Gillette heartland of working-class America?

Ah, don’t be so naive! We both know they just wanted to hack the FB discussion algorithm and play into the polarization game based on 40+ P&G studies according to which short-term brand attitudes absolutely don’t matter at all. “Any PR is good PR”-type deal. “Fuck it, let’s run with it,” sinister Gillette execs, ex-military, ex-Blackwater, learned from advanced Russian cognitive warfare counterinsurgency manual, Gillette pseudo-gangs. “Yeah, there might be a temporary drop, but they’ll forget after one week and just remember Gillette,” the big boys-will-be-boys on big boards say in unison leaning back, dreaming of feeding the innocent masses Pavlovian “Gillette.” Gillette all they hear, Gillette all they can think of. Gillette, Gillette for the masses, like an intense and traumatic fuck they will seek to reproduce for the rest of their lives. “Gillette, you were so intense Gillette.” “Gillette, you made me feel something, were everything was just emptiness before you Gillette.” 600,000 dinner party conversations across the P&G – Gillette empire in which the sun never sets, about Gillette, with men burying toxic thoughts so deep, there’ll be instant abnormal cell reproduction, requiring massive conveyor-belt emergency surgeries, to remove rapidly growing tumor lumps with Gillette scalpels, incision-area clean-shaven and prepared by GilletteTM. “Gillette!” the remaining whisper excitedly into thai masseuse ears relieving toxic masculinity in hot happy ending spurts of rapidly proliferating illegal handjob parlors in decaying suburbia, lubricated by baby oil courtesy of P&G, demi-limp domesticated boomers further draining their adrenal glands sucked cortisol-dry from excessively demanding office jobs, middle manager responsibility to produce testo-deficient and feminized Gillette babyfaces, unable to grow a beard need to hide with Gillette, dreaming of submissive Gillette femdom confessions admitting it was all the fault of “Boys will be Boys.”

“Gillette.” The elevated gaggle and clucking of excited women, burning from the display of morality, dreaming of Gillette razors removing excess hair from their petrochemicals clogged, deadened and obtrusively P&G-perfumed skin, calling their kids Gillette-Sophia and Justin-Gillette, who grow into resentful teenagers spiking glazed sugary Halloween apples with Mach16 razorblades, perpetually slashing their wrists and lower arms Gillette across-the-road-style in vein and narcissistic cry-for-help Gillette suicide-larping. (“The best a man can get.”)

Ah don’t be so naive!

Why, tell me the Truth, Gillette! Gillette top-floor emergency meeting, P&G knee-deep in debt, all execs compromised by foreign intel agents, Bilderberg meeting begging to obtain refinancing through controlled demolition stock market plunge trading insider info to short P&G stock and enable activist shareholder takeover of majority share dispropriating 90s Gillette-WASP America. Gillette PSY-OP, operatives with edgy Eastern European accents demand OPERATION GILLETTE to humiliate masses temporarily emboldened by GILETTE JAUNES, new economic order initiated where labor value destroyed by automation rapidly spirals towards zero, virtual currency flows with razor-thin links to exhibition corps and drone swarms entirely disconnect from mass-military brigade value to become pure techno-domination, secret GILLETTE plan from the early 20th century to socially engineer masses into submission, territorialize challenging remnant testo for sustainable stock-market gain, redistributed to New York and City of London-based hedge funds and invested into Middle Eastern mercenaries drugged with black-market P&G Captagon and equipped with GILLETTE TM sabers to cut up infidels collectively preparing the coming of the Dajal and the Moshiah, expanding hundreds of kilometers of permanently shifting NATO-grade Gillette razor-wire-secured front lines to Gillette cut-up and remodel the Middle East with hairy Arab genepools, securing the millenary megamarket of ideologically guaranteed clear-shaven chins of secular ethnostates courtesy of GILLETTE.

And that’s the whole truth, Gillette!

Nicolas Hausdorf is a German editor, analyst, and essayist based in Melbourne. His essay “Superstructural Berlin,” an experimental sociology and pulp theory of Germany’s capital (with illustrations by Alexander Goller) has been published by Zero Books. He tweets at @dcntrrr.