Generous Australian taxpayers have helped struggling author Hillary Clinton shift a few copies of her post-election reminisce Wha’ Happened by allowing the failed presidential candidate to converse at length with the ABC’s Sarah Ferguson.

It was the least we could do. Literally, the very least. Let’s run through the transcript:

SARAH FERGUSON: We're going to start by going backwards in time. We've looked at the pictures of you recently about to go onto the balcony for Donald Trump's inauguration. No one could fail to be moved by the pain on your face at that moment.

Either I’m unique among the world’s 7.6 billion occupants or Ferguson’s generalisation is inaccurate.

HILLARY CLINTON: It was, you know, very much an emotional gut punch to be there. I did try to find a way to get out of it.

“Trying To Get Out Of It” should be the title of Clinton’s eventual autobiography.

FERGUSON: You've described it as the most consequential election of our lifetimes. Do you feel guilty for losing it? CLINTON: I feel really terrible about losing it and I'm very clear in the book that I feel like I let people down, that there was so much at stake in this election. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would be close, but I did not know that I would be running against not only Trump but the FBI Director and Vladimir Putin …

The conspiracy count begins!

CLINTON: If you feed false information continuously to people about one candidate versus another, it does have an impact and we now know that the Russians actually paid in rubles for running ads in Facebook and on Twitter making all kinds of accusations against me ...

Add Facebook, Twitter and “the Russians” to Hillary’s conspiracy count. And all Hillary had at her disposal to counter these social media ads – did anyone actually see them? – was the combined might of the New York Times, the Washington Post, the LA Times, USA Today, every major television network, all late-night comedy hosts, NPR, CNN, several Fox News presenters, Hollywood stars and music stars, plus tons of Facebook and Twitter content. The poor woman never stood a chance.

CLINTON: I won the popular vote which is obviously well-known in many quarters by three million and I lost the electoral college by about seventy-seven thousand and what we're finding out is that there had to be some very sophisticated help provided to WikiLeaks …

Add them to the conspiracy count. Remember when the left supported Wikileaks following publication of classified military information, an act that put lives at risk? Good times.

FERGUSON: So let's just be clear about that. What we're seeing here as you've described is a very sophisticated form of targeting. We know it goes down to voting districts in swing states. CLINTON: Yes. FERGUSON: For example, so is it your contention that there were individuals in the United States guiding that work? CLINTON: It certainly is my belief that there had to be sophisticated advice to guide the geographic and demographic targeting.

So long as we’re in hindsight mode, where was Hillary’s geographic and demographic targeting of Michigan and Wisconsin?

FERGUSON: Jarrod Kushner for one was in, overseeing, was in charge of the Trump team's data analytics. Is he someone you suspect who might have been involved in that kind of guiding? CLINTON: I think we have to look at everyone.

Add Kushner and “everyone” to the conspiracy count.

FERGUSON: You've just lost an election to a powerful ... CLINTON: Well, personally for me ... FERGUSON: ... potentially dangerous man.

There’s your famous ABC balance in full, glorious view. We now move on to the matter of John Podesta’s emails:

FERGUSON: As a young lawyer, you worked on the impeachment investigation … CLINTON: I did ... FERGUSON: ... of Richard Nixon. CLINTON: I did. FERGUSON: That was about an actual break-in in the DNC. Do you think it's possible that this virtual break-in could lead to the impeachment of Donald Trump? CLINTON: Well, we'll have to see. But I believe it was actually more significant then Watergate.

Of course it was. Because it involved Hillary Clinton.

FERGUSON: Do you [think] Donald Trump is too clever to have had his fingerprints actually on this kind of activity?

There may be one or two assumptions built into that question.

FERGUSON: James Comey, the director of the FBI, was investigating your use of a private email server while you were at the State Department. Now in July he made an announcement saying there were no grounds for prosecution then nine days out from the election he said he was reopening the investigation… what's the expression you use about Jim Comey, because it stands out? CLINTON: Well, I don't remember which one you're talking about. FERGUSON: You say Jim Comey “shivved me”. CLINTON: Oh he did. Well, he did shiv me, yeah.

Then follows a delightful explanation of “shivved”, because Australians might otherwise struggle to work it out:

FERGUSON: I should explain to anybody who doesn't know, forgive me for interrupting, but a shiv is a metal object sharpened for use in prison, usually for murder. CLINTON: Yeah, well but it's a matter of … FERGUSON: Do go on. CLINTON: ... I was using it metaphorically, obviously! FERGUSON: For sure! CLINTON: But we also know that opponents of mine, like former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, knew something was coming. So there was clearly a, you know, an effort to derail my campaign at the end.

Add Giuliani to the conspiracy count.

CLINTON: When you are attacked as consistently and avidly as I have been over all these years, it lingers in people's head. You know, people say, well you know, I like her, but hey, there must be something there. And that's what happened to me at the end. People were ready to vote for me … FERGUSON: Mm.

Politeness, thy name is Sarah.

FERGUSON: Millions of Americans responded to Trump's racist, sexist and bigoted appeals during the campaign by voting for him. Can you forgive them?

This might be the most ABC question ever asked.

CLINTON: Absolutely.

Generous of her. Ferguson and Clinton spend the next several minutes chatting about Julian Assange and Wikileaks, prompting multiple claims of “It was false! It was false! It was totally false! A total outright lie!” from the Democrat nominee. To save time, here’s a clip from The Caine Mutiny:

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And now we progress:

CLINTON: The Hollywood Access tape was devastating for the Trump campaign. FERGUSON: Why not fatal? CLINTON: Well, I think for two reasons.

Next we hear Clinton’s bizarre Trump tape theories. If anyone can make sense of these, please provide full details in comments:

CLINTON: One, it was covered dramatically and wall to wall for about 48 hours. WikiLeaks, which in the world in which we find ourselves promised hidden information, promised some kind of secret that might be of influence, was a very clever, diabolical response to the Hollywood Access tape. And I've no doubt in my mind that there was some communication if not coordination to drop those the first time in response to the Hollywood Access tape. We charted Google searches. So, Hollywood Access, you didn't need to Google it, you could watch it on your TV over and over again. He was a sexual assaulter and that was clear. But WikiLeaks, you know, maybe there was something that, you know, a voter could find out that maybe wasn't on TV. That was the genius of the weaponizing of WikiLeaks and the absurd false stories that were made up and propagated.

What the hell is she talking about? Ferguson gamely pursues Hillary’s lead:

FERGUSON: Are you still angry with the idea that women could hear that tape and hear that language and behaviour and still vote for him? CLINTON: I'm really disappointed. Michelle Obama said something the other day which I thought was, you know, very much on point – why would any woman give up her own self-respect to side with someone who is clearly sexist and misogynistic and by his own words ah guilty of sexual assault?

Hillary is married to Bill Clinton.

FERGUSON: Why are women politicians still treated like this in the 21st Century? CLINTON: Because we still have endemic sexism and misogyny and anybody who tries to claim otherwise is either blind or disingenuous.

Add endemic sexism and misogyny to the conspiracy count.

FERGUSON: The expression that you used, you put half of Trump's – that you could put half of Trump's supporters into what you called the 'basket of deplorables'. That had serious consequences, didn't it? CLINTON: You know, I, I, I – sure it did, among people who supported Trump. But I don't think it did among the general electorate. I don't count it as one of the, you know, top reasons why I didn't win.

To be fair, it’s a very long list. In an attempt to better her earlier screamingly-ABC question, Ferguson launches another:

FERGUSON: You've described Trump as a clear and present danger to the US. Is he also a clear and present danger to Australia?

A teenaged Green Left Weekly intern might have baulked at asking this, but ABC veteran Ferguson actually went through with it. And Clinton happily provided an answer:

CLINTON: Well, he certainly is to the rest of the world, including Australia, because of his use of Twitter …

Oh, God. Continue as you began, Sarah:

FERGUSON: Is he the most dangerous President you've ever had?

Considering she’s only had Bill, so far as we know, probably not.

FERGUSON: Should we be worried in Australia?

Sarah is stuck in a loop.

FERGUSON: Can you get over the loss? CLINTON: Well, you know, I think about it every day, because it was, it was a horrible loss. And if I had lost to a normal Republican, I would've been disappointed, but I would not have been so deeply worried, as I am now. FERGUSON: Thank you. CLINTON: Thank you.

Thank you.

UPDATE. Ferguson’s excuse for those endlessly soft questions – Hillary’s “been through enough”:

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UPDATE II. Someone enjoyed the interview: