“I’m indebted to these people and it makes me siiiiick!” – Jeff Varner

“Varner’s a snake…it should’ve been him” – Tasha Fox

Ummmmmmm…..yeah….still figuring out where to go from here…but MAN if that wasn’t SUCH A GREAT episode of Survivor! Let’s get started!

(Absolutely how we feel after last night’s episode…alternately we also feel like THIS)

(Yuuuup…suuuper Pissed but it made for some GREAT TV)

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Once again we here at SurvivorShade felt we needed to provide you, our faithful readers, with the official definition of Shade:

Real shade: Schadenfreude (/ˈʃɑːdənfrɔɪdᵊ/; German: [ˈʃaːdn̩ˌfʁɔʏdə]), also known as epicaricacy /ˌɛpɨˈkærɨkəsi/ is pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.[1] This word is taken from German and literally means “harm-joy”. It is the feeling of joy or pleasure when one sees another fail or suffer misfortune. It is also borrowed by some other languages. An English term of similar meaning (but with no noun equivalent) is “to gloat”; which means to feel, or express, great, often malicious, pleasure, or self-satisfaction, at one’s own success, or at another’s failure.

(We AIN’T PLAYIN’ YOU COOKIE!!!)

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Just a reminder who our SurvivorShade contributors are:

Coby Archa, The fabulous skirt-wearing physical beast of Survivor Palau (S10)

John Carroll, the infamous leader of the Rotu Four alliance, who dominated the game…and subsequently was voted out because the people on the bottom banded together to vote him out on Survivor Marquesas (S4)…he knows a thing or two about how a tribe swap can mess up your Love Tribe.

Brice Johnston, who immortalized the words “Dot Dot Hmm!” at Tribal Council when he knew his Beauty tribe, in Survivor Cagayan: Brains, Brawn, and Beauty (S28) were about to vote him out…but were beating around the bush about it.

Aaaaaand we are SUPER excited to welcome Alexis Maxwell from Survivor Cagayan (S28) she was on the same tribe that ousted our favorite purple panted correspondent Brice! She knows a thing or two about holding on to grudges for too long in this game (AHEM! Abi-Maria…are you listening!?)

It’s gonna be fabulous time today ya’ll! Let’s get to it!

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But first! Just a reminder that there WILL be spoilers for last night’s episode below

Alright alright, enough of this…let’s get to the SHADE!

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Immediate gut reaction to Mama Varner getting the boot?

(WE CAN’T EVEN BLAME PEANUT BUTTER THIS TIME!!!)

Coby: I kind of liked it!! Don’t get me wrong I loved some Mamma Varner but she played HARD! And with the over edit it was getting even HARDer to root for him. Loved your passion baby but it was fun to watch you go.

John: I clutched my pearls like they were giving me life. The only solace that I had was the knowledge that Varner and his CPAP machine were going to be reunited immediately. I’m not sure what he needed more a meal, 3 Liters of oxygen per minute or a foot cast. You know some damn peanut butter was going to be in his future. All He needed was a spoon and five minutes.

And now this week’s MasterCard Send-Off

What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro $12.70

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie $8.22

Never getting to see them used against each other? Priceless

Brice: I’m still trying to pick Varner’s balls off the wall! I can’t believe it I’m still in shock! I truly felt his speech at tribal was a great and shady one (towards Woo that is) that would keep him around. Varner was so much fun to watch and the true definition of a second chance. This season won’t be the same without our Mama Varner!

Alexis: I’m surprised he even lasted that long. (That’s what she said.) I did appreciate his evolved gameplay but he also made the ‘communicating with the other team‘ mistake that I made in my season as well (never shown on TV), so I feel for him with that one.

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Survivor Ghetto? Really Savage? Has he ever seen a ghetto?

(What’s in the Survivor Ghetto you ask? Only a Snail)

Coby: Do you think Eminem would do a rap song for it? Savage is the same whiney bitch he was in Pearl Islands , the only thing he is missing is a RyanO and a pelican. That and an actual ghetto.

Eminem– ” No beach… No food… No water… All these bitches here are drama…”

John: Yeah, I cringed a little bit when he said ghetto. As a former member of a gay gang, you know the Deceptinettes, It was crude to call our territory a ghetto. We called it a condo.

Brice: It’s very clear with the edit that Savage is receiving that CBS wants us to love Savage . But the only Savage I can ever love is Macho Man Randy Savage lol. All Jokes aside not sure how many ghetto’s he has seen in his day but he killed that challenge tonight and also made we want to buy long tight underwear at the same time.

(Oooooh YEAH!!!!)

Alexis: Ahh, well once again, I made this mistake also in my season. I used the word Ghetto in my season and was checked by my boy Brice pretty quickly. Savage doesn’t have bad intentions and that’s all that should be considered . They definitely are roughing it on that beach/tribe. They are just waiting for the mix up it seems (I’m guessing another before the merge at 14 ??)

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How about Tasha FIERCE leading that cheer section for Savage during the Reward Challenge?

(Hey Savage you’re so fine, you’re so fine I’ll make you mine Hey Savage! Hey Hey!)

Coby: Tasha crying her Tammy Faye tears talking about her ‘strong porn loving married daddy’ winning that reward for the love of his tribe cracked me up. He won it because he was hungry and so was his ego . He doesn’t love anyone out there sweety so stop jumping and tearing up like it is Sunday at church .

John: Mama Tasha lost her ever lovin’ mind. I would too. She’s about to grip a savage sausage in one hand and get a stranglehold on her tribe with the other. Nice day at the office Tasha-Fierce!!

Brice: So Listen I know my girl Tasha personally and I know my girl can move and shake! She was killing last night on the sideline, I thought she was in the Survivor Cambodia Marching Band the way she was dipping it down low and bringing it back slow!

Alexis: Tasha’s leading a lot more than just the cheer section this season! (She also lead her game in Cagayan and did not get the credit she deserved.) Savage was amazing in that challenge though; I was leading my own cheer section alone in my apartment…

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Did Spencer just throw Wiglesworth under that same shady old-school bus Terry is under?

(Spencer throwing that shade)

Coby: Well, at least Wigglesworth is being talked about by somebody since she isn’t being shown at all. I can’t believe how under the radar she is this season. I wonder if she was nervous to come across a certain way to the viewers so just became bland to the producers and not film worthy. Makes me ShadySad

John: The only two things more transparent than Spencer’s attempt to throw Wigles under the bus is Saran Wrap and my attempt to get back on Survivor.

Brice: Spencer may be new to this whole social butterfly thing but one thing he is not new to is playing this game called Survivor and if you have to throw someone under the bus or Kick them off a cliff to win you can believe my boy Spencer is willing to do that. That’s why I love Spencer but I think you already know that.

Alexis: These kids! They need to step back and see the big picture from a psych/group dynamics perspective (which I failed to do in my season.) These older, experienced humans who are playing the game will see right through that plan and may view the ‘thrower under the busser‘ as a slimeball. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

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Ok seriously…who took Keith’s hearing aids away before the immunity challenge? NOT COOL GUYS!

(Eh!? What’d you say Kass!?)

Coby: Poor Keith he is like the three stooges’… Older distant country cousin. Unlike Wigglesworth who everyone is talking about but they don’t show, Keith is shown but never talked about by anyone. He will get to the end unnoticed if nothing else.

John: I love Keith and all but he is just one chromosome from being a Clampett. Matter of fact, I better go to survivorwiki and doublecheck his ZIP Code because I’m pretty sure it might be 90210.

“Come listen to a story about a man named Keith

A poor mountaineer barely kept his teeth,

then one day he was shootin’ at some food

And out from the hut came a whole lot of ‘tude.

Backstabs, blindsides, Cambodia Sea

Well the first thing you know Keith wants to be a millionaire,

His kinfolk said Keith move away from there!

They said Survivor is the place you oughta be.

So they loaded up the boat and move to Cambodee.

Second chances that is, hidden immunity idols, blindsides.

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Keith and all his kin.

And they would like to thank you folks fer kindly tunin’ in.

You’re all invited back next week to see the voted out.

To have a heapin’ helpin’ of their backstabbin’.

Survivor that is. Set a spell, take your Buff off.

Ya’ll come back now, y’hear?

Brice: So here is where Keith got me, at one point he was standing right next to Kass and he was still saying I can’t hear you lol!!!!! I don’t think anyone took Keith’s hearing aid; he just needs to make sure the volume on them bad boys is all the way up lol!

Alexis: Lol poor Keith. He probably can only hear the octave of males. Still gotta love him though. #nof**ksgiven

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Was that Abi or Winnie the Pooh strategizing? “Think, Think, Think”

(Think, Think, Think)

Coby: I am still flabbergasted that anyone would play with her. I am loving her this season as a viewer but to play with?…that seems like a nightmare.

John: The only thing in common between Abi and Winnie the Pooh is they both like the honey pot. Wait that didn’t sound right.

Brice: Not sure whose strategy it was to be honest but damn it! I should have used it on my season because its working well for Mutha Abi because they seem to be doing whatever she wants. I’m guessing the tribe must work for Burger King part time because they surely be letting Abi have it her way!

Alexis: Not sure what this question is referring to because I didn’t see any strategizing. #shade . Loving Abi’s inability to drop a grudge though. It’s the Hispanic side ! (My Puerto Rican side came through with my relentless grudge toward Jeremiah in my season, so I get it.) But those grudges make you blind to the game!

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How about Mama Varner’s PIMP CANE during Tribal?

(P-I-M-P)

Coby: It is just sad really. But if you turn your volume up really loud, I think you can hear Rihanna’s ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ playing in the background as he limped in.

John: Well you know when you are a full figured gal and you hurt your pinky toe…

Brice: I just hope at the end of the season, when CBS auctions off things for charity that I get the opportunity to bid on that cane lol! Baby Jeff was working the hell out of that cane! lol

Alexis: #SurvivorSwag It’s being sold on Amazon now!

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Was that moth the Survivor gods coming to take Varner away?

(What WAS THAT!?)

Coby: Like a moth to the flame…. I mean he is gay right? (Get it because he is a FLAMEr)

John: It was all very silence of the lambs. Once Varner was voted out, I am thinking he had some Chianti with his fava beans and thought about having Tasha for dinner .

Brice: I don’t know what that was but I know it scared the Hell out of me! I jumped up so fast! I’m like is this survivor Halloween edition? But of course Jeff handled it like a true lady, a couple swats to the face and he continued on with his speech!

Alexis: That was a moth??

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“You little bitch” best Survivor exit or what!?

(Watch yo back Abi!)

Coby: No. Best ever was Ami Cusack flipping them the bird . But it was oddly sweet and endearing in a Shady kind of way to call her a bitch on his way out. Wonder if he also called Tasha a skank, Woo a dick and Savage a piece of shit? I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it.

John: It was fabulous, sweet, and bitchy all at the same time. But I think Ozzy going home with the idol in his pocket and Erik giving up immunity at Tribal Council are still two of the best exits.

Brice: Yesss! That’s how you leave tribal council and head to Ponderosa to eat, drink and drink some more! At least that’s what I did lol!!!!! I Love Jeff still sad he’s gone!

Alexis: Varnerrrrr haha that line was hilarious. I’m surprised Abi just took that one casually.

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Your pick for top of the shade tree?

Coby: Top would be Abi. She seems to be pulling off what Varner couldn’t. Playing hard, being a bitch to everyone, but still controlling the votes. Second is Kelley that little bitch is just trying to stir up trouble, getting all up in Kass’s Kool Aid and she doesn’t even know what flavor it is.

John: I think Abi playing hard to get, soaking up the havoc, and running everyone ragged for ten days is hard to beat . Her and Varner were quite the team! While it is the end of Ab-Ner, it looks like Kimmi is about to unleash her inner villainess! Yeah!!!!!!!

Brice: Mutha Abi is still at the top for me, she is still speaking her mind in the manner in which she sees fit and the others just deal with it. This week I would like to add Monica! While taking to Spencer about Wiglesworth! Baby girl put on her Poker face and was having Spencer believing she was buying what he was selling, shit I was in Line buying that Monica was with Spencer! But baby when she got into her confessional she let us know she wants Spencer out !

Alexis: What’s a shade tree? Should I look it up? I googled it and all I found were pictures of large trees that produce a lot of shade….Anyway, my top pics for this season keep changing, but I’m pushing for Tasha, Jeremy, or an old dude (like Terry).

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Alright then…NOW it’s time for THIS week’s SurvivorShade Tree!

Remaining at the top of the Shade Tree this week is the Brazilian Dragon! She was calling all of the shots on Angkor, she still has Woo in her sights…but Tasha better watch her back, the dragon is ALWAYS lurking.

Next we have Monica! YES MONICA! For seeing right through Spencer’s shade and dissing her own in a confessional, she wants him gone!…And Mama Varner makes a final appearance here…he threw that shade HARD at Woo at Tribal to try and save his ass! Sadly didn’t work.

On our bottom rung we have Spencer, who threw Kelly Wiglesworth under the EXACT SAME BUS Wentworth threw Terry under last week. He’s gotta work quick to save his bacon!…Wentworth stays on the tree for her shade direct towards Kass, WHILE KASS WAS MAKING HER A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!…and Tasha FIERCE stays on for directing shade at Abi while working with her, and at Varner for correctly recognizing that he needed to go.

And sadly…Mama Varner received the most shade this week, between getting it from Tasha and Savage…and then also getting it from Woo at Tribal, Mama wasn’t long for this Survivor World…we will miss you!

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A HUGE THANK YOU to Alexis for being our special guest this week! And tune in next week when we will have…MAMA C from Survivor: World’s Apart (S30) as our special guest contributor!

Now, be sure to Like us on Facebook

follow us on twitter

follow all of our contributors on twitter:

Coby Archa

John Carroll

Brice Johnston

(and for this week) Alexis Maxwell

That’s all we’ve got this week.

and remember…

if you can’t stand the heat…get out of the shade!