I experimented with different mind altering substances to help me reach an empty mind. Weed was rather disturbing, it didn’t help get into the meditative state. My mind kept forming thoughts. Drinking wine helped me chill down and disconnect from the outer world in a relatively short time and as a result I could direct my focus on my emotions and the painting itself. Loud music, often psychedelic rock or minimal techno, also helped me get into that altered state easier but it also influenced my mood. I needed to be aware of what type of music I would put on. Music was probably the most effective tool to reach an empty mind so far. More recently, as I practice meditation on a daily basis and became much more self aware of how certain foods or drinks effect my mind, I find even wine too disturbing.

Painting as therapy

Painting is a powerful introvert activity. Painting helped me find a new tool to express myself and share that picture with others. I could just point to one of my paintings and say «hey, look, this is me». It was interesting to observe what I painted after certain experiences. I could recognize different patterns when meeting with specific people or just being in the same mood again. Some paintings weren’t only expressing emotions from a different perspective but could also complement each other and explain a story together.

I don’t always like what I paint. One reason can be is that a painting is simply not finished. In fact, I tend to think that there are no bad paintings just emotions that were not well expressed. I often continue, even redo paintings. There is always a clear feeling when a painting is finished. I always know when this is it.

“In the middle of the work of art, an artist often feels that he is failing. And he starts interfering with his inspiration. That is a mistake. The mistake. It is best to push on through. Such works frequently turn out to be the best. To fail is a very ordinary experience for an artist. To fail and fail and still go on, marks his character.” “We start out with high hopes because people have taught us that just around the corner is happiness and contentment, and all you have to do is be good and try hard and all that. Well, you find out that you can be just as good as you possibly can be, and I mean, you try as hard as you possibly can try, and you still have, you know, the same old thing. You have failures and successes, no? Some things fail and others succeed.” — Agnes Martin: In Her Own Words

Painting taught me to be more confident. It taught me that the best what I can achieve is being myself and project that honestly and naked. I started painting on small papers (A4). It was cheap to buy and potentially cheap to throw away if I disliked the end of the experiment. At least I remember this was my thinking back then. By the end of the year, I was ready to show, but first of all, to face it what was inside in bigger formats too. The biggest canvas I interacted with was 120×150 cm. And there’s a nice story about it.

Zsófi manages apartments. She just extends her portfolio with a new one and then comes to me and says that she wants me to paint pictures that she can put in that apartment. She asks if I was open to that. We agree on that I’m gonna make three paintings, all big formats, at least compared to what I’ve been doing so far, and I have a deadline in two weeks or so. I got free hand about everything, I picked the canvases, and it was totally up to me what I would be painting on them. It sounded like a great opportunity for both of us. And yet, it was a really difficult two weeks. The deal with Zsófi triggered many of my fears. I just committed myself to paint. It was not the case any more that I would just sit down to paint if I feel like, this time I had to paint. Every day I was stressing myself to get in front of an empty canvas and start, I think it even felt like, working. Also I started to become worried if Zsófi would actually like what I was about to paint. This stress underlined eventually the whole painting process. It was amazing to observe how my mind transformed a great opportunity into a nightmare. And surely you can tell, if I disliked to paint in the first place, there was no chance that I or Zsófi would have liked what I painted. I ended up putting myself into a lose-lose situation. After a while I felt so annoyed with the situation that I had to decide either I would begin to hate painting or I would remove myself of this loop and eventually come over my blockages. I needed to realize that I cannot offer more than what I am, and that is what I could do as my best. And my best is what I create with joy and love and what I’m happy to share with others. The worst what can happen is that what I show of myself won’t be liked by others. I was afraid of a form of self rejection and I guess I also found some traces of my past perfection. It was a nice exercise to keep being myself and let myself honest and vulnerable.