The MTA cannot toss Governor Cuomo or the State Legislature out on the street so they too can endure the quotidian miseries of riding an overcrowded, underfunded subway system*, so the agency must improve efficiency where it can. Will speedier train announcements make for speedier customers? Maybe! Why not? Fuck it.

Some subway enthusiasts have noticed that the announcements along the 5 train sound a little more like the Adderall-addled voice in our heads.

Tax return. Where did I put that stupid spare key? Something smells like maple—Mom's birthday! Rats. Rats 'n Rice. Rice n' Sex. Sex. Sex. Lean. No light. Lean. No light. Where is this—

The idea is to improve the "dwell time," the seconds it takes for the train to disgorge its passengers and for new ones to board. Here are the "slower" announcements, for comparison:

This is a Brooklyn-bound, Coney Island express train. The next stop is—geez, lady we get it! You gonna stand there flappin your gums all day or can I get to this Tinder date on the Wonder Wheel on time?

MTA spokesman Adam Lisberg couldn't tell us much about the program. "We’re always open to experimenting with new ideas," he said.

Arming rats with tiny cattle prods might yield a few more precious nanoseconds.

*But we can: Tell your state representatives and Governor Cuomo to stop robbing the MTA of badly needed funding and figure out a way to come up with more cash for a 21st Century subway system.

