Ian Holloway comedy genius: His top 20 quotes of all time

Football needs a few characters that’s why the Special One, Jose Mourinho was so valued in the Premier League. It’s a serious game but you need something or someone to lighten the mood and while Robbie Savage is engaging in some down right hilarious banter on Twitter we have one guy doing it week-in-week out without even realising it. Step forward, Ian Holloway.

As far as I’m concerned this simple Bristolian can do no wrong. A great footballer, a fantastic manager and absolutely brilliant in interviews.

It’s only really dawned on me since Blackpool secured promotion the Premiership how funny this guy actually is, I guess I’ve never really been that interested in what he has to say.

My oh my how that has changed and it was no surprise to me, when I began searching for some of his best quotes, that he’s been waxing lyrical since I was a small child.

It seems now, not a weekend goes by where this man doesn’t offer something to the game of football, whether it be his managerial mastery or his gift for the gab – both are astonishing.

Football aside for a minute, he’s a comedy genius, quote-tastic and here are, in my opinion, his top 20 quotes of all time. The bloke talks so much sense it’s scary and at times, he’s just simply hilarious:

20. “I don’t see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose thats one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they’d have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin.” – about the new rule restricting footballers from removing their shirts during a match.

19. “Hasney’s bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now.” – on an injury sustained by central defender Hasney Aljofree.

18. “Sir David Beckham? You’re having a laugh. He’s just a good footballer with a famous bird. Can you imagine if Posh was called Lady Beckham? We’d never hear the end of it!” – on rumours about a possible knighthood for David Beckham.

17. “We need a big, ugly defender. If we had one of them we’d have dealt with County’s first goal by taking out the ball, the player and the first three rows of seats in the stands.” – after a defeat against Notts County.

16. “Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.” – on criticism from Plymouth Argyle fans during Leicester City’s match against Plymouth Argyle.

15. “It’s all very well having a great pianist playing but it’s no good if you haven’t got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.” – after being criticised for using defensive players in midfield.

14. “Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.” – on veteran striker Paul Furlong.

13. “If he’s only worth £4 million, then I’m a Scotsman called Mctavish.” – Again on bids received for captain Charlie Adam

12. “Have you ever seen The Incredibles? They have a a kid and he’s just so quick, like ‘WOOSH’ and he’s gone, and they call him ‘Dash’. – on Scott Sinclair, then on loan at Argyle.

11. “It was a bit cheeky wasn’t it? But I don’t think it was that bad. It would have been worse if he’d turned round and dropped the front of his shorts instead. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a couple of butt cheeks personally. (…) If anybody’s offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they’re just jealous that he’s got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything.” – on Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton mooning Everton fans

Continue to the NEXT PAGE for ten more classic Holloway quotes…

10. “When my wife first saw Marc for the first time, she said he was a fine specimen of a man. She says I have nothing to worry about, but I think she wants me to buy her a QPR shirt with his name on the back for Christmas.” – on QPR’s new Danish striker Marc Nygaard.

9. “I call us the Orange club – because our future’s bright!” – on QPR’s potential.

8. “It’s like the film Men in Black. I walk around in a black suit, white shirt and black tie where I’ve had to flash my white light every now and again to erase some memories, but I feel we’ve got hold of the galaxy now. It’s in our hands.” – Holloway on QPR’s financial situation.

7. “Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!” – Holloway after securing promotion to the Championship.”

6. “I am a football manager. I can’t see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis.” – asked whether QPR would be able to beat Manchester City.

5. “It was lucky that the linesman wasn’t stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake.” – Holloway states his opinion about the linesman’s performance in a game against Bristol City.

4. “He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking – he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock’s massive.” – talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.

3. “Dream on! If they want to insult me by only offering £3.5 million and then get it all over the paper and try to upset me well, sorry, they’re barking up the wrong tree, they’re messing with the wrong dog and I’ll come and bite them.” – On bids received for captain Charlie Adam.

2. “To put it in gentleman’s terms if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren’t the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let’s have a coffee” – on the “ugly” win against Chesterfield. This is perhaps Holloway’s most famous quote.

1.“If I was in there I wouldn’t try to be everybody’s friend. I’d have to say ‘Excuse me, hang on a minute, I think you’re wrong there. Don’t raise your voice at her like that, don’t get like that. It’s just an Oxo cube, we got it wrong and we’re all in this together’. It’s like the Witches of Eastwick. They need Jack Nicholson to come in and sort them right out.” – on the bullying of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother 2007.

Just some of his best, I’m sure there are plenty more, feel free to comment.

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