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It can be very difficult to understand human behavior from an outside perspective. Even our own behavior can be difficult to look back on and rationalize after it happened.

When someone acts in a way that surprises themselves, whether good or bad, they often say things like “I was caught up in the heat of the moment,” or “You had to be there.”

There is a lot of truth to this. One concept in psychology known as the hot/cold empathy gap describes how we often underestimate the influences of visceral, “in-the-moment” drives on our own attitudes, preferences, and behaviors.

Before you go to a party, you might tell yourself “I’m not going to drink too much” or “I’m not going to stay out too late.” But when you actually find yourself at the party – and your best friends are there, and your favorite music is blasting, and everyone is having an awesome time – it’s much more difficult to predict how you will act. Before you know it, you’re wasted and it’s 3 in the morning.

The same goes for when we observe other people. Maybe someone accidentally spills a drink on your coworker and they go into a complete unfettered rage. You might think, “I would never act like that!” but when you put yourself in their situation you may find yourself acting a similar way. Maybe the person had just broken up with their girlfriend. Maybe they are having serious financial troubles. Maybe a loved one had recently passed away. Or maybe that shirt has a lot of sentimental value to them.

The main lesson we can learn from the “hot/cold empathy gap” is that we often don’t understand human behavior (whether it’s ourselves or someone else) until we are in that situation and experiencing it first-hand. This is especially true for intense, emotionally-charged events that can cloud our rational judgment.

One interesting study published in PLOS One discovered that when individuals are happy, it’s more difficult for them to empathize with negative emotions, and easier for them to empathize with positive emotions. This shows just how “state dependent” empathy can be and how we often need to be in that person’s mental state to truly understand them.

The hot/cold empathy gap also applies to basic instincts like hunger, thirst, fatigue, sexual arousal, and physical pain. These are all factors that can create a “hot state” (high energy) that influences our decision-making in ways that we often can’t predict when we are in a “cold state” (low energy).

For example, one recent study published in the scientific journal Emotion discovered that hunger can sometimes lead to feelings of anger when we aren’t aware of it – so the idea of being “hangry” is actually a real phenomenon that can influence our mood, emotions, and decision-making. Numerous studies also show how sleep and fatigue can negatively impact our decision-making and make us bigger risk-takers.

All of these factors (emotions, instincts, drives) play a huge role in how we act on a daily basis and the types of decisions we make. We like to believe that we are completely rational and we always think through everything before we act, but the truth is most of our choices are influenced by unconscious forces.

This is why the hot/cold empathy gap exists, and why it is so difficult for us to predict and understand human behavior. Once we understand these limitations however, there are a few practical lessons we can takeaway from this.





Lessons We Can Learn from Hot/Cold Empathy Gap

Be less judgmental and more forgiving. It’s difficult enough to understand our own behavior and why we do the things we do, so at the very least we should practice being less judgmental and more forgiving when people act in ways that don’t make sense to us. Forgiveness is an underrated yet crucial component to mental health and well-being, because it teaches us that it’s okay to be imperfect and it’s okay to not always know the right thing to do in every situation. And the most important thing is that when you become more forgiving of others’ mistakes, you’ll become more forgiving of your own mistakes as well.

It’s difficult enough to understand our own behavior and why we do the things we do, so at the very least we should practice being less judgmental and more forgiving when people act in ways that don’t make sense to us. Forgiveness is an underrated yet crucial component to mental health and well-being, because it teaches us that it’s okay to be imperfect and it’s okay to not always know the right thing to do in every situation. And the most important thing is that when you become more forgiving of others’ mistakes, you’ll become more forgiving of your own mistakes as well. Practice meditation and improve self awareness. Taking time to practice a short breathing meditation is a great way to take a step back and pay more attention to the inner workings of your mind without having to respond to them. When you become more aware of the patterns behind your thoughts and feelings, you’ll be able to catch them quicker and manage them before they turn into something bigger and less controllable. Meditation is an important tool for building self-awareness, which is the first pillar of emotional intelligence.

Taking time to practice a short breathing meditation is a great way to take a step back and pay more attention to the inner workings of your mind without having to respond to them. When you become more aware of the patterns behind your thoughts and feelings, you’ll be able to catch them quicker and manage them before they turn into something bigger and less controllable. Meditation is an important tool for building self-awareness, which is the first pillar of emotional intelligence. Pay attention to your body sensations more. One specific aspect of self awareness is body awareness, which is being mindful of physical sensations, including our basic instincts like hunger, fatigue, and arousal. If you can recognize your body’s needs, you’ll be better able to respond to those needs, and less likely to let them build into anger, frustration, or other intense emotions that will throw off your judgement, cause you to snap at people, and not be at your best.

One specific aspect of self awareness is body awareness, which is being mindful of physical sensations, including our basic instincts like hunger, fatigue, and arousal. If you can recognize your body’s needs, you’ll be better able to respond to those needs, and less likely to let them build into anger, frustration, or other intense emotions that will throw off your judgement, cause you to snap at people, and not be at your best. Look through the perspective of your future self. While it can be difficult to predict how we will act in a future situation, one way to help bridge that gap is to actively imagine yourself in that situation. Close your eyes. Visualize it. Imagine what you’d be thinking, feeling, saying, and doing in that situation. Being able to imagine your future self is a very powerful way to change your present self – it gives you an opportunity to change your current course in life if you see yourself going in a wrong or misguided direction.

While it can be difficult to predict how we will act in a future situation, one way to help bridge that gap is to actively imagine yourself in that situation. Close your eyes. Visualize it. Imagine what you’d be thinking, feeling, saying, and doing in that situation. Being able to imagine your future self is a very powerful way to change your present self – it gives you an opportunity to change your current course in life if you see yourself going in a wrong or misguided direction. Add boundaries between you and bad situations. If certain types of situations seem to always bring out the worst in you (like hanging around certain friends, or going to certain places) then it may be best to create boundaries between you and your bad habits so that it’s more difficult to actually follow through with these bad decisions and bad behaviors. This is especially helpful if you have a bad track record in certain situations and difficulty controlling yourself. Sometimes the best course of action is to simply avoid getting into situations where you always find trouble.

If certain types of situations seem to always bring out the worst in you (like hanging around certain friends, or going to certain places) then it may be best to create boundaries between you and your bad habits so that it’s more difficult to actually follow through with these bad decisions and bad behaviors. This is especially helpful if you have a bad track record in certain situations and difficulty controlling yourself. Sometimes the best course of action is to simply avoid getting into situations where you always find trouble. Ask questions and listen to learn more about a situation. When it comes to bridging the empathy gap between ourselves and others, one key is to ask them questions and try to find out as much about the situation from their perspective. Ask them directly, in a nonjudgmental way, “Why did you do that? What were you feeling at the time?” Here’s a great model to defuse heated situations and create a safe place where people feel comfortable sharing their story and perspective.



When it comes to bridging the empathy gap between ourselves and others, one key is to ask them questions and try to find out as much about the situation from their perspective. Ask them directly, in a nonjudgmental way, “Why did you do that? What were you feeling at the time?” Here’s a great model to defuse heated situations and create a safe place where people feel comfortable sharing their story and perspective. Learn how to read body language. In many ways, people reveal more through their body language than the words they use. To truly get inside someone’s mind, we must pay close attention to what their bodies are saying. People can often lie with words, but it’s a lot more difficult to lie with your body (which often changes unconsciously). So if someone feels upset, angry, or frustrated, you’re probably going to be able to pick it up based on many nonverbal signals (and micro-expressions) they are sending out. If you know what signs to look for, you’ll be able to more accurately read people’s mental states.

All of these are important tips to keep in mind when you understand the hot/cold empathy gap. The simple truth is that it’s very difficult to predict the behavior of yourself (or someone else) until you find yourself in that situation – so it’s important we do our best to bridge this “empathy gap” and be prepared to face these limitations in our understanding.



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