Strange Decisions

What’s Behind the Curtain?

Owl sat down at his desk. “I have realized that intelligence can be simulated, and that it’s time I let the idea of our uniqueness go,” he said with a yawn. “I need to find out how long we have left, before we can build hardware capable of replicating my brain.”

Owl noticed a new product that had been developed by a startup at his incubator. It was a neural network that had been deep-learned to make hiring decisions. “While there remain certain advantages to being human,” remarked Owl, “it’s clear that this neural network has its own desires and goal systems.”

Owl has noticed a looming threat.

Owl decided to figure out how the computer had managed to replicate the decision-making process of a human brain.

But no matter how hard he looked, all he saw were programmers and data scientists who babbled to him about “tensors” and showed him spreadsheets of historical hiring data which had been hand-labeled with “A+ choice” and “bad culture fit.”

Owl tried to chill, but he could not.

“It may just be working in HR today, but what if this neural network grows bigger and smarter while I am not paying attention?” said Owl. “A powerful AI could be a danger to humanity.”

Owl’s engineers fed the neural network random noise. The network “dreamed” about a 23-year old white male with a computer science degree and no children or outside hobbies. “The network has discovered the objectively perfect job candidate!” gushed Owl.

Owl’s engineers re-trained the network. The network now rated candidates more highly if they had previously worked at a successful startup, or if either the first or third letters of their middle name were ‘T’. “The network is adapting, and is able to accurately predict the future!” cried Owl.

“The singularity approaches, we may have accidentally created a malevolent AI that will destroy humanity, and also this world is a simulation. Wake up, sheeple!”

Owl demanded to see the brain of this adaptive, predictive AI. The engineers showed him connectivity diagrams of “neurons” and huge tables of numerical weights. “But these are just numbers,” said Owl. “Show me how the network learns and grows and thinks and feels.”

The engineers rolled their eyes, and began classifying resumes with the software again. “The learning is back!” shouted Owl. “Learning, thinking, growing intelligences, all without human intervention! I will never sleep tonight!”

Owl talked to a writer from the New Yorker at a party. “Who can tell us what goes on in the mind of this AI? Not you! Not me! It’s unknowable.”

With a start, Owl realized how important his discovery was.

Owl got on his private jet. He flew to his compound in Big Sur. It was stocked with gold ingots and gas masks.

“To a neural network,” said Owl. “We humans must seem like slowed-down whale songs. Let it grow as smart as it wishes. I will stay right here where I am safe.”

And that is what he did.