The Political Insider is taking the moronic step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a person in the Trump administration who believes they’re way more important than they actually are, and who will most likely be fired once their identity is uncovered. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver a completely skewed perspective to our readers. Don’t bother submitting a question about the essay or our vetting process because you will be ignored.

President Trump is an idiot savant unlike any modern American leader or, for that matter, any leader in the history of the world, anywhere, ever.

It’s not just that he blasts Rick Springfield’s “Bop ’til You Drop” over the White House PA every morning at 4 A.M. as a wake-up call. Or that he, like UPS trucks, simply cannot turn left. Or even that he keeps a framed picture of Kim and Kanye on the Resolute desk (much to the chagrin of the First Lady, who is a die-hard Taylor Swift fan).

It’s that many of the senior officials in his own administration are being forced to babysit him to ensure that he doesn’t bring forth the apocalypse.

I would know. I am one of them.

To be clear, Trump can take care of himself, and he exhibits flashes of brilliance. However, much like a deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey, he must be carefully handled lest he explodes like a geyser of scalding hot oil and burns the entire White House to the ground.

Although he is a 72-year-old man, Trump has the emotional IQ of a schoolboy. Rather than participate in the President’s Daily Brief, he insists on holding morning meetings with cardboard cutouts of his Cabinet members, with which he “converses” by mimicking their voices. Oddly, the only person who Trump dares not debase in this way is the Administrator of the Small Business Administration, Linda McMahon, as he is afraid doing so would immediately summon Stone Cold Steve Austin; and there is nothing Trump fears more than the Stone Cold Stunner.

At the end of his long days – which usually consist of a round of golf and a therapeutic session with the Lite Brite that he insisted replace the nuclear football – Melania tucks him in and reads “Goodnight, Democracy” to help him fall asleep.

Indeed, these immature tendencies inform the president’s leadership style, which is impetuous, adversarial, petty, and ineffective.

When we do get a rare in-the-flesh meeting with Trump, they veer off topic and off the rails, often because he spends the entire time vanity searching himself on Twitter. In hindsight, it was clearly a huge mistake to provide him with a limited-use Jitterbug Smart2 that’s literally just the Twitter app.

If you’re alarmed reading this, I don’t blame you: I live every day wondering if Trump will order his pet Mexican fighting rooster, Comrade Chad, to claw my eyes out. However, Americans should take cold comfort in the knowledge that there are unsung heroes like myself in and around the White House who are doing everything we can to keep Trump’s idiocy contained – even if it means dying as anonymous martyrs.

We are not the deep state. We are the supercilious state, and all you deplorable cretins who voted for Trump owe us everything.

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical piece.