As a man, I am against gay marriage. Before all of you jackasses light your pink torches and start braiding your AIDS awareness ribbons into my noose, allow me to explain–even though I don’t really give a fuck because everyone on the internet is a tough guy and, truth be told, in real life I could fight all of you all at the same time with my hands tied behind my back and my pants on backwards. So fuck you.

Gay marriage is wrong.

My mother has a gay hairdresser. During one of my yearly conversations with her, the topic of gay marriage came up. Before any of you smart asses ask, I didn’t bring it up and she didn’t bring it up because she thinks I’m gay. Also, she doesn’t think I’m gay. This is what she said of the Prop-Hate sensation.

‘Carlo wants me to keep all my fingers crossed that this gay marriage thing doesn’t go through.’

‘Why is that?’ I said.

‘That’s what I asked him. He says he can tell that his boyfriend really wants to get married, and that getting married would completely ruin their gay sex life.’

Son of a bitch, I thought. They’ve done it again. Women ruined gayness. Women and their crazy obsession with marriage ruined the commitment-free sanctuary of gayness for all gay men.

When America decided that slavery was unjust, we didn’t make all white people slaves too, we ended slavery. Find one way in which marriage is different. [Read more]