Happy Mother’s Day (Sunday)! To celebrate my mom, I’d like to review a few of the key problems my therapist has highlighted with working moms.

Emotional Unavailability

This one is definitely the fault of my working mom. She made herself unavailable by showing up at all my school plays and soccer games as a kid — well, she was unavailable to her coworkers because she’d silence her phones. Because of her unavailability and decision to focus more on being a mom, I’m now unable to love a man or even a pet bunny.

Workaholism

My mother worked hard. She’d get up at 6, make us breakfast, drive us to school, then work in her office until 5. Then she’d come home and eat dinner with us (probably the hardest work of all), and then she’d read us exhausting bedtime stories. After we went to sleep, she’d log back in and answer work emails. Because of my mother’s relentless commitment to being a mom AND having a career, I’ll never be able to relax and watch Modern Family the way I deserve to. Instead, I’m forced to be professionally successful while also maintaining an active social life and a good relationship with my family. It’s just not fair.

Alcoholism

Alcoholism is a problem that can be easily traced back to having a working mom. I mean, I don’t suffer from it, but I’m sure other people do.

My Daddy Issues

All daddy issues can be traced back to a working mom. Mine certainly can! My big problem with my dad is that he’s dead. He died of a heart attack when I was 4, which is when my mother started working again. You can see how all the puzzle pieces are starting to fit together.

My Nose Ring

My therapist points to my nose ring as the utmost symbol of rebellion from an oppressive and lonely childhood. Actually, she points to my nose-ring a lot during our sessions — it’s kind of rude. She says I got it to rebel from my working mom. And she’s right — my mom told me she thought I’d look GREAT with a nose ring, so I got it!

A Propensity to ‘Put Out’

I made the mistake of telling my therapist I had a one-night stand 4 months ago. She very correctly assumed this was the fault of my working mom. In fact, my mom had called me earlier that evening to chat, and she said she could tell I was stressed from my tone. I admitted work had been stressful, and she told me I deserved a night out. So I went out with my girls, had two shots, and met a charming young man named Fred. Fred and I went home together. He’s my boyfriend now. Dammit, Mom!

My College Education

They say education makes us less happy, and that’s certainly the problem I’ve had. My working mom put me through prep school AND college, and because of her, I’ll never go back to being a happy, uneducated pleb.

My Rent

My therapist thinks I’d have a much easier time being an “independent, self-actualized adult” if my mom didn’t pay my rent. But she has a high-paying job, so she pays it anyway! Life is so hard.