I don't want to disrespect Eminem here, especially considering this site already has beef with several prominent rappers (which is probably at least partially my fault). And we never win rap rivalries because there are simply too many harsh things that rhyme with Cracked (hacked, jacked, sacked... has anybody used "frak" in a rap song yet?). But here's the thing:

Eminem appears to be displaying signs of what's known in the realms of psychology as "a pattern of behavior" and what's known in the realms of this website as "being utterly full of shit."

"Not Afraid"

Eminem made headlines recently because his new album is all about how he's cleaned up his act, and now wants to serve as a role model to you and me. Here's the video for "Not Afraid," which is full of inspirational lyrics like, "I'm not afraid to take a stand, everybody come take my hand, we'll walk this road together, through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm, just let you know that, you're not alone."

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Again, it's not just that he's cleaned up ("So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage... I'm gonna face my demons... time to put my life back together right now"). He's so clean he's now a goddamned guru for the rest of us ("If you're trying to get out, just follow me, I'll get you there"). Check out this promo for MTV that portrays the man as a Christ-like leader of men.



He's the one in red.

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Don't get me wrong. That video currently has over 90 million views. I'm pretty sure this makes it the "Charlie Bit My Finger" of rap videos. And that's great. If you're in a tough spot and listening to a fucking Eminem song gets you through it, well, you probably didn't have a problem to begin with. But still, good for you.

Hey, maybe you were also inspired by another Eminem track, "Cleaning Out My Closet."

Continue Reading Below Advertisement

Remember that song? It's the one where he declared that he had overcome his personal demons, and was going to be a good father, and that, quote, "I maybe made some mistakes, I'm only human, but I'm man enough to face them today." Hmm... a pretty similar song, actually. From "I'm man enough to face them today" in that one to "Starting today, I'm gonna face my demons" in "Not Afraid."

Wait a Second...

"Cleaning Out My Close" was made eight goddamned years ago. Yeah, 2002.

In fact that same year, on the same album that featured "Cleaning Out My Closet," he recorded a song called "Say Goodbye to Hollywood." Guess what that was about? Right, no more drama for Eminem. "Thank God, I got a little girl, and I'm a responsible father... 'cause all I wanted was to give Hailie the life I never had."