For obvious reasons, we immediately decided that this would be the perfect way to celebrate our seventh year of glorious matrimony.

We did not pause to consider the following red flags:



A) Being the Largest something doesn’t necessarily make you the Best something. Nobody chooses a lawyer based on which one is the tallest, for example.

B) The Light Maze industry is not exactly a highly competitive one. Probably because a Light Maze is not a real thing, and is instead just two concepts that sound neat on their own, but don’t improve each-other in any way if mashed together. (Eg: puppy chroming, friendship cannons, winter olympics).

I threw that last one in there in case anyone from Vancouver reads this so they can be filled with blind, crippling rage and become an incoherent mess until well after the Enchant Christmas Light Maze & Market has packed up its grim edifices and rolled on to a new town of fresh rubes to swindle.

Because you see, this light maze is an atrocity; a cruel trick played on the world by Satan (“Lucifer” means “The Light Bringer”...coincidence?).

I consider the sobering anniversary we spent entombed in this gulag to be the hand of God choosing Fiona and I as prophets to warn humanity away from the Vancouver Light Maze. Heed me, children, for the maze is bright and full of terrors.