Wasilla, AK – According to several independent Alaskan media outlets, Bristol Palin has allegedly been diagnosed with chronic DTF. This crushing news comes just one month after giving birth to her second out-of-wedlock child, the beautiful and healthy baby girl, Sailor Grace.

Bristol, the 25-year-old daughter of conservative superstar Sarah Palin, is said to be in a state of shock and deep reflection following the diagnosis. Sources close to the Palin family say this latest test of faith has only helped bring the family closer together.

The Palin’s have had a rough start to the new year. Sarah’s son Track Palin was recently charged with fourth-degree assault, interfering with the report of a domestic violence crime, and possession of a firearm while intoxicated. All charges are Class A misdemeanors. Track allegedly struck his girlfriend and threatened suicide during a drunken rage.

And if all that weren’t enough, Mama Grizzly herself was just days ago diagnosed with STFU, a rather common condition caused by inflated ego and poor diet.

Bristol’s chronic DTF diagnosis could stem from her insatiable appetite for wild, unprotected sex, or it could simply be a reaction to being part of a dysfunctional family. Whatever the case, treatment options are readily available, and in most cases, a complete recovery can be expected.

All of these hardships and health scares can ultimately be traced back to one man, The President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. If this Kenyan Muslim dictator had never been elected president in the first place, it’s very likely none of this would have happened.

What’s next for the Alaskardashians? Nobody knows for sure, but it can only get better from here.

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