YES!! YESSSS!!!! YESSS!!!!

This is my exact reaction so far to Netflix’s new original series, Jenji Kohan’s “Orange is the New Black.” You guys. It’s. SO. Good.

I’m writing this list after watching the first six episodes only–this way I avoid the temptation to spoil everything for you, and because, frankly, it’s already enough for me to have a million bajillion things to say about it. And maybe later we can add some more.

**Warning: I am about to use A LOT OF CAPS LOCK because I AM VERY EXCITED

1. It’s all about tha LAYYYYYYYY-DEEEEEZZZZ Look at that picture. LOOK AT THAT. Do you see this? THIS IS JUST A FRACTION OF THE MAIN CAST OF “ORANGE.” YEAH. EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BECHDEL.

And these aren’t cookie-cutter women, either–this is no “Desperate Housewives” or “Pretty Little Liars” or any other supposed female-centric show you’ve seen before. These women are REAL. And I don’t mean real like “Real Women Have Curves” (because we all know that’s bullshit anyway) even though, yes, many of these women DO have curves, and are even FAT, and UGLY, and it is GLORIOUS. I mean REAL as in they are LAYERED, COMPLEX, and DIVERSE.

And this show doesn’t shy away from the down and gritty of these women’s issues–these “shitty, smelly, farting, crazy, stupid fucking bitches,” as one of my favorite characters, Nicky (played by the ever-brilliant Natasha Lyonne) describes them. We’ve got jokes about everything from female ejaculation to Bioré face strips. And yeah, about the humor? Well–

2. IT’S FUCKING FUNNY

Man, there are not NEARLY enough gifs out there yet for me to accurately demonstrate to you just how FUNNY this show is. For me to laugh out loud at a show, especially when I’m watching it by myself with my headphones in, IN PUBLIC–well, I don’t take that shit lightly. The humor is sharp, rich, wacky, dirty and straight on point. It’s a comedy-drama, yes, so it’s no laughtrack sitcom–you will cry too, I promise. But that stuff’s the easy part. What’s not as easy is making dire, dark scenarios actually LOL-able. So if you’re worried that a show about a women’s prison is going to be too depressing for you, let me repeat:



3. A savvy, unapologetic look at SEXUALITY

A few subpoints to this one:

A. The protagonist is bisexual. And not just bisexual like she’s made out with a few girls at frat parties. She is landed in prison in the first place because of her relationship with her ex-girlfriend (a tremendous Laura Prepon, aka Donna from That 70’s show, who, let’s face it, was BORN to play a lesbian dom), and she is currently engaged to a man, Larry (the adorable Jason Biggs.) “Orange” does not show her as a “converted” lesbo or a girl who was in “a phase” –although both these phrases are used in moments of obvious denial– we can see that Piper was clearly in love with each of these people in turn, without reservation.



B. A major character is transsexual. Played by a REAL trans actress. Laverne Cox is phenomenal as the MtF woman who is denied her estrogen treatment when the prison faces budget cuts. When an officer tells her she can’t see a doctor because it’s not a medical emergency, she calmly picks up a bobblehead Corgi from his desk, plucks off its head, and swallows it: “I’d like to report an emergency,” she says coolly.



C. Lesbians, lesbians, lesbians. I’d say about a third of the protagonists are gay. Others identify as straight but engage, happily, in the occasional roll in the pussy. And just because there are a lot of them doesn’t make it easy. Religious conservatism, homophobia, and extreme misogyny are still rampant, both from the other inmates and the guards. “Orange is the New Black” hits these issues fiercely and without remorse. And, if you were wondering, yes, the issue of lesbian rape is not glossed over either (nor is it overdone). A major plotline revolves around Piper dealing with the advances of a notorious “stud,” the aptly-named “Crazy Eyes.”

4. Let’s talk about RACE RELATIONS

Speaking of things “Orange” does not shy away from–racial issues. This is not the story of a white lady who goes to prison and helps the other prisoners learn to read (although she does have some Shawshank moments here and there), nor is it the story of a white lady who goes to prison and learns to be tough like a not-white lady. It’s the story about a white lady who goes to prison and finds herself surrounded by other white ladies, because that’s how prison works–the racial segregation may not be on paper, but it’s as official as any other prison rules. “Just pretend it’s the 1950’s, it makes it easier to understand,” explains Nicky.

That doesn’t mean that this is a white show–in fact, the diversity is downright impressive. Nobody feels like a “token.” Within the prison are individual racial communities–white, Black, Hispanic. (No Asians, gotta say. But, this is prison, so is that necessarily a bad thing? I’m too white to be sure. Asians, talk at me.) They interact and overlap in small ways–and Piper must, at times, navigate each–but for the most part they stick to their own–and the show tackles this prison reality with gusto and grace. There’s no pussyfooting around the racism here–even our favorite characters are prone to long bigoted rants–and the show revels in both in embracing stereotypes and dismissing them.



5. PORNSTACHE

Ladies, meet Pablo Schreiber, who plays George “Pornstache” Mendez –possibly the foulest, sleaziest character this side of Uncle Hank.

When he’s not groping women during patdowns or leering at them while they change, this Weeds alum is throwing down insults of near-Shakespearean wit. “JESUS CHRIST, how the FUCK did you survive infancy??!“

6. JODIE FOSTER directs an episode.

It’s the third one. It’s called “Lesbian Request Denied.” It’s good.

7. JASON. BIGGS.

Oh, he’s so cute, you guys. As Piper’s surprisingly supportive “Jew-boy” fiancé, Biggs flexes the acting chops–dramatic, comedic, and masturbatory–that remind us why we fell in love with him all those American Pies ago. Whether he’s tearfully leaving his bride-to-be, fighting with his parents, or, um, “edging” (you’ll see), Biggs is, as always, a menschy delight.

8. It’s ALREADY RENEWED FOR SEASON TWO.

That’s right, Netflix is so confident in the quality of this series that they’ve already ordered the next installment. And thank Jeebus for that, because you are not going to want it to end.

9. Taylor Schilling is BRILL

As Piper Chapman, the “nice blonde lady” who goes to prison, Taylor Schilling is neither condescending nor overeager in her performance. Instead she is bright, empathic, and and vulnerable. But as Vulture put it, “this show isn’t just a bunch of scenes in which Piper sees something horrible and acts horrified. Indeed, it’s not just about her; if anything, it’s about her learning that life is not about what happens to her — that she has to get outside of herself and learn to see the world through other people’s eyes.” Taylor is excellent at leading us into this world with her, and then letting us go–allowing the other characters to shine extra brightly alongside her. Because in the end, the best part of this show, perhaps is that…

10. THIS IS AN ENSEMBLE SHOW.

In a way, it’s best illustrated in the introductory credits, as we see a montage of woman’s faces of all sort. None of these women appear in the show itself. That’s because this isn’t about any one woman–not even Piper, the supposed protagonist. This is about women together, about a world the rest of us hardly have an inkling of, let alone talk about. The depth and array of supporting characters is staggering, and what’s most exciting about each episode are the flashbacks that let us learn more and more about who they are, why they’re here, and what they’re all about. There’s Miss Claudette (Michelle Hurst), the enigmatic neatfreak and Piper’s roommate; Dayanara (Dasha Polanco), who shares the yard with her mother and has a dangerous crush; Big Boo (Lea deLaria), the “superdyke” with a soft heart; Poussé (Samira Wiley), “NOT Pussy: accent à droit, BITCH”; Morello, the fast-talking cutie who’s sleeping with Nicky while still obsessing over her fiancé, and so, so, so many more.



CONCLUSION: There’s a reason I didn’t wait to write this until after I’d finished the whole thing (and why I wrote it in two hours flat, so forgive the lack of polish). Well, two reasons, I guess, because one is that I want to get my review in early. But mostly I just could not wait another second before trying to convince other people to watch it too.

I’m not trying to say that the show is flawless–and I’m sure there’s a lot more to discuss about where it is deficient–but its flaws are small enough to be irrelevant in the scheme of things. This is the best new TV series of the year. Hats off to Jenji Kohan and the people at Netflix who let her do her thing.

Now that that’s over with, BYE GOTTA GO BINGE-WATCH THE REST OF THE SEASON