WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday in the Journal Of Applied Psychology, the act of getting out of bed in the morning dramatically increases the risk of things becoming even worse. “No matter how bad things were upon waking up, the very moment our trial subjects pulled off the covers and stepped out of bed, things spiraled even further downward for them in roughly 92 percent of all cases,” said lead researcher Alison Chaudhary, who added that her research team observed no instances in which rising from one’s bed and beginning to go about one’s day improved things for any of the test participants. “In addition, we discovered that the chances of everything going completely and irreversibly downhill rose even higher should one subsequently get dressed and head toward the front door. After that point, once one has left their home, the likelihood of avoiding being weighed down by steadily mounting misery, pain, and humiliation was quite close to zero.” Chaudhary noted that the only guaranteed way to ensure everything doesn’t fall apart right in front of your eyes is to stay in bed, pull a blanket up over your head, and remain there indefinitely without moving.

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