“Over the next three years, as we approach the 150th anniversary of Confederation, [the federal government] will celebrate key historic milestones that have defined our country.”—Harper Government press release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

OTTAWA (July 22, 2014)—As Canada’s 150th birthday approaches, Canadians are invited to join Prime Minister Stephen Harper in celebrating one of the key historic milestones that has defined our country: the election of Stephen Harper’s government.

“Canadians should be proud of their history—especially their very recent history, which is the best part,” Prime Minister Harper said. He added: “Did you write down what I said about it being the best part?”

Parliament Hill will serve as a gathering place for a month-long festival of fun and re-education as we turn back the clock to 2006—a dark and brutish time when Canadians possessed only a rudimentary knowledge of personal hygiene and communicated using a primitive system of grunts and clicks. From the mists of this primitive prehistory has emerged, under Stephen Harper’s leadership, a country capable of being considered for a seat on the UN Security Council—and finishing second to Portugal.

The Prime Minister noted that Canada’s historic milestones compare favourably with those of the world’s leading powers. The United States, for instance, has the conflict of 1776—when revolutionaries threw off the yoke of oppression. Canada has 2013, when we successfully rented not one, but two panda bears from China. Thanks to the Magna Carta, England has an 800-year history as an incubator of constitutional law. Thanks to the Economic Action Plan, Canada has TV commercials for the Economic Action Plan.

Those aren’t the only accomplishments. Scant years ago, the Senate was regarded as a bastion of patronage. Today, it is regarded as a bastion of patronage and scandal, which means the extent to which it is regarded as a bastion of patronage has declined by 50 per cent. “Mission accomplished,” the Prime Minister said.

The historic election of Stephen Harper’s government will be commemorated with a number of events in the nation’s capital. There’ll be something for everyone:

Learn about the government’s approach to climate change in the Science, Schmience Tent.

Walk the midway and test your ability to beat down threats to your political authority by playing Prorogue-a-Mole.

Head to the craft table, where children can have their faces painted like their favourite animal, or muzzled like their favourite bureaucrat.

Get informed about the epic nation-building projects that have helped bring us together as a country, from the countless snowmobile clubhouses of Quebec to that one super-nice gazebo in Muskoka.

Visit the Campaign Expo, where the Harper government’s election tactics are celebrated with Canada’s first interactive attack ad. Simply input some basic personal information and an algorithm will find a way to demonize you as a danger to Canada’s prosperity.

And don’t forget to stop by the dunk tank. Everyone loves a dunk tank, especially when the Prime Minister himself is on hand to participate! Step right up and have your kid dunked by Stephen Harper.

According to Finance Minister Joe Oliver, everyone who attends the celebrations will receive in the next budget a tax credit tailored to his or her specific lifestyle and interests. Do you like to crochet while simultaneously admiring the thespian skills of the star of the Batman movies? By all means, take advantage of a $500 Needle and Bale Tax Credit.

The election of Stephen Harper’s government is just one historic Canadian milestone that will be celebrated as we approach 2017. Others include Stephen Harper’s re-election, his other re-election and that time he had the main dude from Nickelback over to the house.

This event will also give Canadians an opportunity to reﬂect on aspects of our national experience that have been lost to history—such as colonial ties to Britain and policy based on reliable statistical data.

The festivities on Parliament Hill will conclude each day at 6 p.m. sharp, with the Prime Minister scolding Canadians to get off his lawn.