



We”re down to Trump, Cruz, Rubio, Hillary, or Bernie, and in the midst of all the panic, you can”t help but think, “Does it really matter?” What percentage will your annual tax rate go up? Bernie could take away these friendly interest rates investors are enjoying, but George W. Bush was elected partly for fiscal responsibility and he spent like a drunken sailor.

I believe the culture is more important than economics and that’s why I prefer Republicans to Democrats. I want to get back to free speech and away from all this thought policing and the right seems more likely to do that than the left. Breitbart used to say, “Politics is downstream from culture,” and that is where Obama has done most of his damage. Over half the country agrees that race relations have taken a nosedive since he took office and a mere 8% say they”ve improved. This is relevant because blacks who have been brainwashed into thinking America has mandatory racism are more likely to burn down the CVS when a cop shoots a black kid. Insisting Muslims are our friends allows Iran to get nukes and opens the door for #rapefugees. When our president refuses to Google the mythical wage gap, we lose billions to affirmative-action policies trying to correct a sexism problem that isn”t there. Liberal leaders are so adamant we let gays do whatever they want; it includes bullying Christians into violating their own religions. The same people who want the government out of the bedroom don”t mind the government in your brain. Then, to add insult to injury, they want to charge you when they find something they don”t like. That gets expensive and that’s why we need to swing the political spectrum to the right.

The culture war is also why Trump has made such headway against an opponent with much more political experience. America is sick of being accused of bigotry. We”re not racist or sexist or homophobic. We”re the global leaders of equality in all these fields and I can prove it.

“If your job involves writing modern-dance reviews for The New York Times, we can never be friends.”

Take racism, for example: It is perfectly normal to have a genetic predisposition to people of your own kind. This is why they”ve discovered babies are racist. We are so good at blocking this tendency from our day-to-day life that it’s become dwarfed by other seemingly random prejudices that vary from person to person. Hearing a man say, “I”m a woman” is less annoying to me than hearing someone say, “We need to have a national conversation” or “They”re on the right side of history.” I am way more top bun-ist than racist and so are you. Sure, if a black guy sidles up next to me at the bar, I”m aware of the cultural differences we will likely have. Black New Yorkers grow up totally differently than whites and our lack of common references will probably impede a smooth conversation. However, the second he recognizes a band I like or shares a political curiosity, that tiny layer of skepticism immediately washes away and we”re off to a pleasant twenty minutes. It’s the same for pretty much every natural aversion to anything different. Racism, sexism, and homophobia are one thin Venn diagram of common experience away from evaporating.

I was at a family resort in Jamaica recently and saw a man at the buffet pile so many mashed potatoes on his plate he barely had room for anything else. “What kind of asshole fills up on potatoes at a buffet?” I thought to myself and directed all my hatred towards him for the rest of the vacation. Divorced fathers of 1-year-olds also get my goat. No gay, black, handicapped trans girl in the world could possibly make me as uncomfortable as a guy who left a child fatherless because he was “unhappy.” I know guys in this situation and I”ve learned to live with their unique circumstances, but when I meet someone and find out they blew it that soon into the marriage, I find it very difficult to ignore. It’s a deep-seated bias that doesn”t wash away when he says he likes the same music I do.

There are other traits such as getting plastic surgery or believing in astrology where I not only see them as lesser beings, I actually feel sorry for them, but there are also plenty of relatively mainstream traits I just can”t get over. Supporting Bernie Sanders is so willfully ignorant, I don”t know how we could possibly survive you coming over for dinner. I have learned to agree to disagree with gays that men are sexier than women, but it would be impossible to resist screaming, “What the hell are you thinking?” if a Bernie supporter were in my home. I”m a big fan of the Theodoracopuloses, but Greeks in general annoy the shit out of me. They butt in line and constantly natter on about how they invented democracy. What have you done for me lately, goatbangers? Turks are even worse, with their relentless droning on about their boring culture and cacophonous pop stars. How can you bro down with someone who murdered a million Armenians and won”t admit it? I don”t care who you sleep with, but if your job involves writing modern-dance reviews for The New York Times, we can never be friends. I don”t even like guys with green eyes. They got too many blowjobs in high school and it’s made them stupid.