Authored By Sean Phipps

At the writing of this article, yours truly is in a successful relationship with a lady who is not awful. This wasn’t always the situation, as I’ve dated many, many awful ladies in my decade of living in Chattanooga. In the interest of learning from past mistakes and, I hope, for YOUR benefit, gentlemen, I’ve assembled a list of the best places in Chattanooga to meet the woman of your dreams. These are the hallowed grounds where exquisite, intelligent ladies gather to await their gallant knights to sweep them away into a world of possibilities. Don’t bother with clichéd spots like bookstores, coffee shops and college campuses. Online dating is for losers. So is volunteering. Just go to the following Chattanooga locations, and make sure you’re prepared to meet THE ONE.

Chili’s downtown/Applebee’s downtown

Both locations are not only some of the best eating establishments in Chattanooga, but they are also two of the best locations to find incredible women. During my hound dog days, I’d cozy up to the bar at Chili’s and order the chicken crispers and 2-for-1 margaritas (frozen). Then I would wait. Inevitably, several women would come by throughout the night, and I would offer them tendrils of chicken and as many delicious, generously poured drinks as they could handle. It was then, and only then, that I’d begin my lecture on British single-seater fighter aircrafts, in particular the Sopwith Triplane, which was a staple in World War I.

The Electric Cowboy

It is important to know that one does not have to be a cowboy in order to dance at the Electric Cowboy. In fact, it is a rare event to witness a “true” cowboy in action at this popular shake hall (that’s what the kids are calling dance venues these days). Knowing this fact gives you the ability to dress however you please. I always wear a gray tweed suit and tassled loafers. I suggest you do the same. The best part about the Electric Cowboy, and my personal favorite tool to meet ladies, is the mechanical bull. My nights at the Electric Cowboy always started with this bull. I would spend sometimes $50 riding this bull over and over again. The ladies would gather and “ooh” and “ahh” at my technique. I would then choose one lucky member of the group, and we would dance until last call. The “turning on of lights” that occurs as the establishment closes is the perfect time to whisk your future bride into the parking lot, past the school buses and into forever.

Hobby Lobby

These hobby and craft stores are the perfect places to pretend to be interested in scrapbooking, needlework, decoupage and hand-tooled leather goods. My personal favorite hobby to pretend to enjoy was jewelry making. I would station myself in the beading section and strike up casual conversations with beautiful women about my love of amber, ivory and wooden beads. I’d become animated when I spoke of furnace glass beads, as they are the most overrated of all varieties. Gentlemen, the most perfect women in the world go to Hobby Lobby to get away from their “men,” not expecting to meet the perfect, beaded-jewelry-making man of their dreams on aisle six. Be the latter and reap the rewards. (Hint: A working knowledge of patch-working and felting will help snag an older lady, if you so desire.)

East Third Street McDonald’s

Be the guy who orders a dipped cone and eats it while standing near the counter. Although not the best McDonald’s in the area, this particular restaurant has the benefit of being the only place for all of Erlanger and UTC to get a quick bite. This means that what would appear creepy and questionable at any other McDonald’s is perfectly rational so long as you’re wearing scrubs. I always wore scrubs. No, I’m not a doctor. It isn’t a crime to wear scrubs if you’re not a medical professional. It may be a crime to have a fake doctor’s ID badge that says “Sean Phipps, M.D.” and that lists my job title as “Head of Emergency Child Saving.” Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that women love doctors, especially doctors who don’t take their jobs so seriously that they can’t eat a dipped cone, alone, at McDonald’s.

Boyd’s Speedway (East Ridge)

If you wear a shirt without any writing on it, you will already have a leg up on your competition at Boyd’s Speedway in East Ridge. The women who flock to the 1/3 mile dirt speedway on Friday nights are not only there for the high-speed, thrilling racing action but are also there to meet guys. If you want to be one of their prospects, you simply need to dress yourself as if you were going to be appearing in public. That’s it. Wear a shirt (pocket tee), shorts (not cut-off anything) and have a good time. Sometimes I’d take a sandwich from Subway and eat it. That’s all I’ve got. Boyd’s Speedway is the easiest place to meet women because you literally just have to show up.

You can contact Sean Phipps via email and Twitter with comments and questions. The opinions expressed in this editorial belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.



