Sorry in advance for this being a little depressing. I just had to get it out there because it contains some things that have bothered me my whole life.

I’m mixed race (Japanese and White) and I grew up in a weird environment. My family history consists of mental health issues, as well as abuse, bullying and racism. My grandmother on my mom’s side came to the USA from Japan and married my grandfather. I’m not sure the entire story behind it because it wasn’t really talked about. My grandfather was on all sorts of medications for mental illness. The small city my parents are from didn’t care for mental illness properly, and just medicated patients as heavily as possible.

My mom and her three brothers were bullied their whole lives for being Japanese. (The city they grew up in is still very, very white) To the point where my mom’s oldest brother eventually committed suicide. To the point where my mom believed she was so hideous and worthless because she is Asian that she stayed with the first man who showed any interest in her. (She was 16, he was an abusive and racist pedophile (also an Asian fetishist, while still making it obvious that he felt that Asians and anyone else who wasn’t White was worthless) who was 25 and already had two kids and had been divorced because his ex-wife didn’t want to put up with his abuse anymore)

When I was young, I spent a lot of time with my Japanese grandmother. She tried to teach me a little bit about Japanese culture when she could, so I was always very interested in it. But we moved 10 hours away from her when I was 6. When I got a little older (around 8 years old) I would tell my mom I thought it was cool that we are Japanese. She would say, “Why? Asians are ugly.” I soon learned that the very few words I knew in Japanese were more than my mom wanted to admit that she knew.

So I was raised mostly White by my parents. Because my dad was racist and controlling, and didn’t want me socializing with anyone other than white people. And because my mom thought being Japanese was bad.

Unfortunately, this added to my identity issues. Which I already had a hard time with because I grew up undiagnosed Autistic, because my mom knew I had difficulties but was afraid to take me to be evaluated for anything after seeing psychologists drug her father to the point where he basically could only sit around all day and giggle at stuff on occasion… and she was afraid that’s what they’d do to me. But also because I am not really white passing. White people always refer to me as “the Asian.” So, I’m mixed with White, but I am not White according to White people. And I never had the chance to be a part of Japanese culture, other than the little bit my grandmother tried to teach me when I was young. So, I’m mixed with Japanese, but I am not really Japanese either.

And while I’m not white passing, I definitely don’t look full Japanese.

So. Here I am, struggling to find out who I am. Not only because I’m mixed… but because I LOOK mixed. And not only because I look mixed, but because the only people I was even allowed to socialize with as I grew up, always made it a point to tell me how Asian I am and to make it even more obvious that I don’t fit in there. But I don’t fit in with Asians or really any other PoC because I never knew any. And also because my Autism, mixed with my limited social experiences due to multiple reasons, makes it extra hard to figure out.

And I have to point out that, despite a lot of things I went through, I am not an unhappy person. (Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my mom. Which is why racism is horribly disgusting.)

I just don’t know where I belong.

And I think it would be great to hear from other mixed race people who are trying to figure out where they belong, too. And any advice would also be greatly appreciated.