WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that he had not done enough to stop the oppressive Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Wednesday that he was worried history may judge him harshly for his failure to confront the ruthless tyranny of government food stamp abusers. “What will I say when my grandchildren ask, ‘What did Grandpa Paul do to prevent those cruel and remorseless monsters from collecting $125 per month to spend at the supermarket?’” asked Ryan, who hopes he won’t be viewed as a coward by future generations for not speaking out sooner against the powerful children, seniors, and disabled people who comprise the majority of SNAP’s 40 million low-wage recipients. “How can I sleep at night knowing there are still despotic poor families out there buying groceries and other basic necessities totally unimpeded? God, it just kills me.” At press time, a resolute Ryan decided wallowing accomplishes nothing and resolved to focus his remaining time as House Speaker on saving the country from the iron-fisted rule of impoverished Americans.

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