BREXIT minister David Davis has proudly told Britain that after six months of tough negotiating he has given in to every single one of the EU’s demands.

Davis, who turned up to negotiations in June with a blank notepad and a hopeful expression, promised that nobody could have fought harder or achieved less than he did.

He continued: “From the first day, when I conceded that negotiations would proceed exactly as the EU had decided and then spent months trying to reverse that, I have been massively out of my depth.

“For fruitless meeting after fruitless meeting, I have vainly insisted that things that were never going to happen should happen, no matter how clear it was that I was wrong.

“And, finally, after battling through our own reality-denying pigheadness, we have achieved what we could have achieved on day one by capitulating utterly.

“Now we have caved on the divorce bill, look forward to me caving on EU citizens’ rights and Northern Ireland in short order.”