NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his own schedule,” said CBS board member Charles K. Gifford, adding that now more than ever, the company needed someone with Moonves’ tenacity and expertise to help destroy women’s careers and mold young, hungry perverts into C-suite-level predators. “Les has so much institutional knowledge about creating a hostile work environment, but we imagine he’ll be doing most of his bullying and coercion over the phone. However, if he’s more comfortable doing it in person, we can just send a few female employees over to his home office. He’ll technically be a freelance predator, so we’ll be paying him on a case-by-case basis. Though I think Les would agree that this isn’t about the money—he truly loves doing this stuff.” At press time, Gifford reiterated that CBS would continue to take all allegations of sexual harassment very seriously.

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