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OAKLAND, CA — American workers are increasingly receptive to microdosing at work to increase creativity and productivity, but what happens when everyone has the same advantage to get ahead? Some professionals are turning to Angel Dust, also known as phencyclidine or PCP, to get that “get-up-and-go” energy to start their day, and the next few days, with a bang.

Although microdosing, the technique of regularly consuming low amounts of nootropics for barely-perceptible effects, is usually through cannabis or even magic mushrooms, local account executive Kate Toototabon says that’s no longer enough. “Anyone will tell you that the Bay is ground zero for biohacking, but all of these nerds are focusing on ‘stress’ or whatever,” Kate explains, “Meanwhile I’m riding high on that good Detroit Pink. It’s really the only way to unlock enough paranoid psychosis to thrive in Silicon Valley.”

Despite all the benefits of PCP, getting the right dosage to maintain an excited delirium at work without slipping into full-blown dysphoria can be tricky. “Intravenous is great,” recommends Fremont-based connoisseur Chris ‘Monkey Dust’ Jonas, “although it’s really whats best for you. I used to freebase at my desk, but I didn’t want everyone at the office knowing the source of all my creativity and productivity, so now I shoot up by the urinals. Only once or twice did I really ‘over-do it’ and have to fight off the space demons that live under my coworkers’ skins.”

Mr. Jonas clarifies that when done correctly, microdosing Dust is a fantastic way to improve your output at work with minimal downsides. “I may, or may not, have eaten the face off an intern in accounts receivable, but it’s not a problem because I don’t think that guy was eligible for benefits yet.”