Come Work at the EPA as Our Sole Remaining Climate Researcher

“Under the White House’s latest budget proposal, the EPA would fare worse than any other federal agency.” — The Washington Post

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The Environmental Protection Agency is Hiring Now:

Seeking: One (1) full-time employee

Role: Entire Climate Change Division

The Environmental Protection Agency is seeking a self-starter to pump new blood into the now-empty Climate Change Division. Here at the EPA, Sole Remaining EPA Climate Researcher will have the freedom to run a formerly multi-billion-dollar arm of government on their own terms.

SEE THE COUNTRY

As Sole Remaining EPA Climate Researcher, you won’t have to wait for a team of thousands of employed scientists who suck tax dollars away from real Americans to collect climate data for you. Take advantage of this rare opportunity to travel to all of our great nation’s 180,000 abandoned weather stations, where you can sit on the roof while holding a thermometer in the air. (Note: Long arms preferred.)

Ideal applicants will be able to walk 30 miles per day to data collection sites because walking is green or whatever, flying is expensive, and most of the budget for this position was spent on copyediting this post.

MAKE YOUR OWN SCHEDULE

Climate and pollution research takes a long time, but it doesn’t have to. EPA values work-life balance, and EPA trusts Sole Remaining EPA Climate Researcher will use their time effectively and do a thorough job of sifting through and analyzing the terabytes and terabytes of satellite climate data that exceed what any one human could possibly manage or comprehend. EPA leaves the ball in your court to try to re-prove or deny what our far too sufficiently staffed and far too virgin-y team of scientists corroborated several times over.

Or you can choose not to be a nerd. Step away from your desk, throw your hands into the air in desperation, and let the ever-warmer atmosphere fill your lungs. Let it soothe you into dazed passivity. (Note: Dazed passivity is not considered “Paid Time”.)

PRIMARY TASKS

Lead your lean team of one to collect and report data that EPA finds acceptable.

your lean team of one to collect and report data that finds acceptable. Be fully responsible for all climate-related public relations crises.

for all climate-related public relations crises. Recycle our old hard drives that don’t have anything important on them anyway.

our old hard drives that don’t have anything important on them anyway. Build your own new weather monitoring equipment. (Old equipment accidentally repurposed into coal-mining machinery.)

new weather monitoring equipment. (Old equipment accidentally repurposed into coal-mining machinery.) Create a behind-the-scenes video debunking the 1969 moon landing and cement the public’s distrust of federally funded science.

DESIRED SKILLS

Works well while lonely.

Thrives in a warming environment.

A strong might-do attitude.

A propensity for breaks.

Background in meteorology, climatology, or related field discouraged.

Proficient in Microsoft Office Suite.

SALARY

$9.00/hr + any lightbulbs left behind in the building (mostly EnergyStar-certified LEDs).