

BURBANK, CA — Your last tweet may have actually been your last… if Disney CEO Bob Iger gets his way. The executive officer has outlined a plan to purchase Twitter for $25 billion in cash with the sole aim of deleting it from existence. This would be the second major acquisition in the last year for the Mouse House should their purchase of 21st Century Fox go through. The difference of course is that Disney plans to grow Fox’s film and television assets, while completely eradicating the popular social media platform.

“By adding Twitter to the Disney family of properties, we can effectively destroy one of the biggest mistakes of the social media era. Twitter is a negative force in the lives of millions of people around the world, and has fueled the rise of fake news, witch hunts and mob justice. I can’t even begin to tell you what it’s done to our beloved Star Wars fandom” said Iger.

Insiders believe the move is a reaction to the recent dismissal of Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn. The filmmaker came under fire after several 10-year old tweets resurfaced, courtesy of alt-right personality Mark Cernovich. The most damaging of Gunn’s posts included jokes dealing with vastly inappropriate topics — the antithesis of what Disney stands for. As a result, the company immediately fired the director, despite the fact that Gunn had already finished the script for Guardians of the Galaxy 3, which was set to begin filming soon.

It remains to be seen whether Disney will delete all 336 million active Twitter accounts along with the full archive of past tweets, or simply de-active the service upon purchase. One analyst believes the purchase could give Disney leverage when negotiating with politicians, actors and directors in the future.

“They won’t have to worry about any dirt being dug up on their people anymore… and if any questionable tweets still exist, only Disney would be able to access them. In other words, they could always threaten to resurface the posts in order to gain beneficial terms with new partners or re-negotiate contracts with existing ones.”

If the Twitter board of directors okays Disney’s purchase, we can only imagine the Twitter storm. Because there literally wouldn’t be another Twitter storm. Ever. Would this be a good thing? Would another platform simply replace Twitter as the intellectual battleground for short-form communication? Let us know what you think.

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-William “Willybobo” Bobo