If People Talked to Other Professionals the Way They Talk to Teachers

“Ah, a zookeeper. So, you just babysit the animals all day?”

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“My colon never acts this way at home. Are you sure you’re reading the colonoscopy results correctly? Did you ever think that maybe you just don’t like my colon?”

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“I’d love to just play with actuary statistics all day. That would be so fun! I bet you don’t even feel like you’re at work!”

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“You’re a sanitation worker, huh? I hated my garbage collectors when I was growing up. One of them once yelled at me when I stood directly in front of their truck and kept it from completing its appointed rounds, and ever since then I’ve just loathed all of them, everywhere.”

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“So you run a ski lodge? Do you just, like, chill during the summer? Must be nice.”

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“Since my singer-songwriter thing isn’t taking off yet, I’ve been thinking about going into lawyer-ing. I mean, how hard can it be? I know criminals like me, or at least the two that I see once a year at Thanksgiving do.”

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“I bet that’s the best part of being a banker — all the free money!”

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“Do you even read your patients’ charts, or do you just assign them a random dosage based on how nice they’ve been to you?”

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“Before you give me a ticket, Officer, I just wanted to mention: My taxes pay your salary.”

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“Excuse me, my seven-year-old son, who mere minutes ago lied about whether he had to pee or not, just told me that you wouldn’t give him any ketchup even though he says he asked for it politely. Now I’m going to ask the manager to move us to another server’s table, and also fire you.”

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“Since you’re a plumber, and you’re around them all day, I have to ask — do you ever find one of your pipes attractive? Even though you know you shouldn’t go there?”

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“Sure, the pay is low, but I bet the joy of putting together press releases for local events is reason enough to stick with this job in the events division of the Chamber of Commerce. You must really believe in its mission.”

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“Oh, you’re a stand-up comedian, huh? So, you just stand up there and bullshit until your set is done?”

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“Damn! Look at you in that dress! Now I’m Hot for Quality Control Manager for the Western Division!”

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Shannon Reed discusses how she came about writing this piece.