LAWTON, OK—Brought to the brink of tears by the concerned looks in the eyes of a few of his loved ones, Alex Sheehorn, 29, was presented with a serious wake-up call Wednesday in the form of the piss-poor attendance at his intervention. “I walked into my place to find Mom, Dad, and my Aunt Carla standing there, plus the mediator. The self-realization I’ve been avoiding for months hit me like a ton of bricks—for my own good, before it’s too late, I desperately need to get my social life on track,” said Sheehorn, who was forced to face how far gone he is when his sisters Meghan and Candice texted 45 minutes late to say they couldn’t attend. “Knowing that hardly anyone showed up for me in my darkest moments is exactly the motivation I need to make big changes. Starting today, no more excuses. I refuse to let my addiction prevent me from finally making more friends at work or my rec basketball league.” Sheehorn has since made a resolution to throw away his pills and find a more social drug to abuse.

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