Statue of The Great King Sejong, Inventor of the Korean Alphabet, in front of Gwanghwamun Castle in Seoul. (Photo by Mario Prada, CC BY-SA 2.0)

Between Worlds — Advantages

The Unique Advantages of being an Adult Third Culture Kid

This is part one of a two part series wherein I make sweeping generalizations about Third Culture Kids through the lens of my own experience. Not all Third Culture Kids have the same experience. This is the bright side of my story.

What is a Third Culture Kid?

A Third Culture Kid (TCK) is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture. The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Although elements from each culture may be assimilated into the TCK’s life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background. David Pollock, Sociologist

Whether the phrase is “third culture kid”, “cross culture kid”, or “global nomad”, it refers to someone who has left the cradle of a home culture and has been exposed to other cultures in a life-altering way. Children, youth, and young adults whose families are involved in international business, missionary service, the diplomatic corps, or the military are part of a rapidly growing population of third culture kids. Sociologists take “cross culture kid” to be an umbrella term. It includes third culture kids, children born to parents from different cultures, children of immigrants or refugees, international adoptees, and “domestic TCKs”. The category of “domestic TCK” might include someone such as an Americanized Arab living in the local Chinatown.

I first encountered the term “third culture kid” as a teenager during a brief stay at the Brigham Young University campus. Illustrating David Pollock’s definition perfectly, a classmate with whom I had been acquainted for only a few weeks came up to me and quietly said, “You’re a third culture kid. I know it by the way you speak. Tell me your story.”

He had grown up in an international compound in Thailand. His father was there on business for the better part of two decades. He learned Thai from his nanny. To him I was simply a secretive TCK not yet willing to open up and share my story. He was shocked that I had never heard of the term.

At that point I knew nothing of “domestic TCKs” or “cross culture kids”. Many TCKs and CCKs do not know these words. They do not have the vocabulary to describe their experience. There is something wonderful and liberating that comes from realizing that your challenges and successes are shared, and that there is a word to describe it all.

The Joys of Being a Third Culture Kid

University of Utah Korean Student Association, Fall 2009. I qualified for membership as an “ethnic Korean”, I believe. I’m the only caucasian in the photo, but somehow I think I’m still difficult to spot.

Seeing the Wider World

TCKs see the wider world in full, 3D stereoscopic vision. Places that are only pictures in a book or video on the nightly news to other people are very real to me. They are more real to me than they would be even to a tourist. When Psy’s “Gangnam Style” became so popular that non-Korean speakers in America started listening to it, I finally watched the video.

Bongeunsa Temple with COEX and World Trade Center Seoul in the background. (Photo by Brad Hammonds, CC BY-NC 2.0)

Places in the music video were real not merely because I had seen them. They were real because they were places where my friends live. They were streets that my friends and I had walked. World Trade Center Seoul, the steep staircase-like building in the video, was a building I passed regularly as a stressed youth on my way to meditate at Bongeunsa (봉은사) Temple. The park running the length of the Han River was where my friend and I would go to walk and talk for hours on end before he reported for his two years of mandatory military service. The unmistakeable look of Songdo Station, just a short walk away from the first place I called “home” in Korea . . .

Linguistic Skills

TCKs do not fear foreign languages. Many TCKs have deep relationships with local friends. These relationships help the TCK to learn the language. Knowledge of the language then helps the TCK to develop more friendships.

TCKs are often the worst critics of their own language skills. While I feel comfortable in Korean, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself in Mandarin. Nothing comes out right. I just don’t know enough words. I can function, but not very well. Once I was traveling to Shenzhen, Guangdong, China with a Portuguese-speaking American friend. After our conference was done we headed to Hong Kong. From there I was to take a flight to Korea. He was going to head to the United States.

A government-run store near the Great Wall of China. (Photo by Ming Xia, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Since my friend is a Portuguese speaker he wanted to go to Macao. I had already scheduled time with a friend and his fiancé in Hong Kong. I knew I was going to miss their wedding — another unfortunate side effect of living between worlds—and wanted to show my friendship and support to them. I encouraged my friend to go to Macao on his own. I gave him directions to Sheung Wan so he could ride the ferry. He was visibly distraught. When I pressed him for a reason as to why he no longer wanted to go, he became very upset.

“You speak Chinese. You can do those sorts of things, but I can’t.”

“What do you mean? I don’t speak Chinese.”

“You’ve been speaking Chinese the entire time that we’ve been in China and Hong Kong.”

“That? I’ve just been using some broken Chinese to get around because I wanted to practice. You can get by without it. People barely understand me as it is.”

“But that’s the point. They understand you. They don’t understand English. I can’t get there on my own.”

“I don’t think that’s true. I think you will be just fine. Go! It will be fun!”

He didn’t go, but instead joined the dinner.

Being the Adaptor

TCKs often understand both sides of a cultural gap. They are often able to remove themselves from a situation and think a little bit more objective about issues that stem from culture. They understand that each culture has its own rules.

MIT’s Edgar Schein defined culture like this:

Culture is a way of working together toward common goals that have been followed so frequently and successfully that people don’t even think about trying to do things another way. If a culture has formed, people with autonomously do what they need to be successful.

TCKs are given the benefit of seeing multiple successful ways to solve a problem. Different cultures have different ways of showing respect. One is not necessarily better than another. TCKs not only see these multiple paths, but they understand and own them. They are able to hold both of these seemingly competing ideas in their mind at once without discounting one or the other. They can help others understand.

Understanding this part of myself has been one of the greatest challenges, but also one of the most rewarding elements of growing up. Whenever I returned to America I felt a need to hide my “Koreanness”. People didn’t seem to understand it. They didn’t seem to feel comfortable with it. (Likewise, I tried to hide my “Americanness” when I was in Korea. Since I am a blond caucasian, this is much more difficult.) This caused me to spend years denying this imporant part of my identity.

Rebeca Hwang Scheel (@rebecahwang) mentored me a few years ago when I was involved with a Korean startup. She told me:

Don’t think of your “Koreanness” as a disadvantage. Think of it as your secret weapon. You see things that other people can’t see. Being someone who understands both America and Korea deeply is your greatest asset. Please don’t sell yourself short, and don’t try to bury this talent.

Rebeca knew something about this herself. She was born in South Korea and raised in Argentina before coming to Stanford for school. She is now a well-respected, successful entrepreneur.

Because of Rebeca’s advice and example, I became more willing to switch back and forth between Korean cultural “solutions” and American cultural “solutions” to problems. Previously I would shy away from acting Korean in America. Now I don’t even try to hide it.

Friends Everywhere

One of the best results of a highly mobile lifestyle is that you have friends everywhere. Many TCKs attend international schools. After graduation, their classmates scatter to the four corners of the earth. TCKs make friends with other highly mobile individuals. They also physically leave behind others as they move from one place to the next.

In an age when internet-enabled smartphones mean that you never have to worry about knowing someone’s actual telephone number, the $99,000 question becomes, “What time zone are you in?” Even when I am in the same place for longer than normal, it’s not uncommon for a friend to ask, “What country are you calling me from?”

A System Identity for the Teenage Years

For some, one of the most comforting things about being a TCK was having a “system identity” for the teenage years. Not all TCKs experience this, but I did. A major factor for becoming a TCK is having family involved in something greater than themselves. You may be a “military brat” TCK, whose parents are in active duty in the armed forces, stationed far away from your passport country’s soil. You may be a “missionary kid” TCK whose parents are in the ministry, trying to spread their own brand of faith and love. You may be a TCK whose parents are involved in international business.

You are a representative of the sponsoring organization. Your behavior, for good or for bad, reflects upon the sponsoring organization. This could mean that your parents’ job security is directly connected to your behavior. If you cause an “incident” of some sort, this will affect the financial or social welfare of your family. If your parents are in the diplomatic corps, you are the face of the nation.

There is no room for teenage rebellion. TCKs often don’t even have time for teenage rebellion. They are too busy exploring a new culture, a new language, and the new social norms that accompany the culture. For the TCK in a different culture, you’re too busy learning the social rules to think about pushing the boundaries of those rules to test what is acceptable behavior.

For me, this was a warm, comfortable blanket. I had rules. I knew what was expected of me. I had a place to fit in. I knew that as long as I stayed within the bounds set for me that I was free to explore from a standpoint of physical and emotional safety.

Third Culture Kids Don’t Become Adults

TCKs don’t become adults. They become “adult third culture kids”. Sociologists love their acronyms, so add ATCK to TCK and CCK. More recently, the term “third culture individuals” has emerged. Yet another acronym. All of the good things that come with being a TCK just keep on giving when you are an adult.

These good things can lead to adventurous careers and amazing life stories that continue to grow. They cause TCKs to keep thinking big. One of my TCK friends became a military interpreter in the Korean Army. You can always spot him in the background of photos where a foreign military official is meeting a Korean military official. Another TCK friend is responsible for property management for a multinational corporation, traveling across continents and oceans to supervise construction and maintenance of buildings. I have found myself playing international consultant, helping startups trying to move from Asia to America and vice versa. Other TCKs go into the diplomatic corps or international politics.

Being a TCK is a surprising competitive advantage. In an increasingly connected era where information travels instantaneously, others are increasingly looking toward TCKs to help them make sense of the world.

In part two, I will examine the challenges that TCKs face.

Thanks to Ji-hwan Suh for reading drafts of this.