Why I oppose same-sex marriage; or: integration is the wrong approach to GSM rights.

There's a lot of fuss at the moment about gay marriage, or same-sex marriage, or equal marriage, or whatever you want to call it. Conservatives and the religious right are heralding it as a sign of the end times; the moment two queers get married, civilisation itself is going to collapse. Liberals are patting themselves on the back and feeling good about how open and enlightened they are, letting everyone into the institution of marriage, so we can all have happy, successful families. And GSM rights advocates are hailing it as a huge breakthrough; a victory for GSM acceptance into mainstream society and a sign of a sea change in society's perception of us.



All these people are wrong.



Mainstream society is rotten. It is infested with the taint of misogyny and privilege. It is built on centuries of patriarchal rule and oppression that manifests itself at every turn. Society doesn't want queers; it hates us. We force society to confront its heteronormative assumptions, and society responds by turning its back on us, and pushing us away. Society wants its enforced gender roles, and its simple binaries (male/female, gay/straight, liberal/conservative), and it wants everyone to conform to its rules and structure, because rules and structure give people a framework to exist in. They don't need to think about anything, or have their assumptions challenged. They can go on living in the same box they always have.



But, I hear you say, society likes GSMs now! Heck, more than 50% of the population even supports same-sex marriage -- haven't we won?



No, we haven't. Society doesn't accept GSMs; it accepts respectable, middle-class gay men and women who can sit at the dinner table and behave like normal people. Everyone is happy to let them do whatever they like in the privacy of their own bedroom, as long as they keep it to themselves when they're out in the real world.



Some people want that. There are more than enough gay people who are happy to integrate into society and be like everyone else, in return for a condescending pat on the back and the chance to finally act the way their parents told them to act. This is not victory, it's surrender. It's the easy way out. It does nothing for queers who don't fit into the nice gay box.



Society doesn't want trans people. It hates trans people. This so-called "LGBT-friendly" society doesn't understand them and it doesn't want to understand them, because they challenge the gender roles that society is built on. It responds with derisive mocking, violence and exclusion. The most acceptance you're going to get from mainstream society is people who think they're clever because they're cool with the idea of a "woman trapped in a man's body". As long as they don't have to, you know, actually meet one.



What's even worse than trans people? Well, how about genderqueer, genderfluid or agendered people. Here we have people who don't only break assumptions of gender roles and identity, they break the entire idea of the gender binary. No one wants that. Try explaining what genderqueer means to the average straight person. If you're lucky, you might get a nod and a smile. More likely, you'll get a laugh or a comment along the lines of "oh, why do you have to make things so complicated?".



Even a simple, straightforward concept like bisexuality is too complicated for society—and in many cases it seems to be too complicated for GSMs, too. No one can just be bi. We have to be bi and poly; or we're incapable of being faithful in a relationship; or we secretly crave whichever set of genitalia we're not currently sleeping with; or we're really just gay and didn't realise it yet. That last one is a favourite from gay people. Not because they're naturally biphobic, but because they've been taught by the LGBT integration lobby that we need to conform to society's rules, and bi people do not conform.



It's time to say fuck that. Integration into society means changing ourselves until we don't exist any more; until we fit neatly into the boxes society wants to put us in. Until society has straightened us enough that we're considered worthy of joining it.



I'm not going to change. I don't want to change. It's time to stop trying to change ourselves and instead change society to suit us.



This means rejecting the patriarchal structures society uses to control people. Marriage? Fuck marriage—it's nothing more than a tool to oppress women and keep people in their place. I don't care if you want a gay marriage. What if I want to marry two people? Why do you get to marry and I don't? Your gay marriage is oppressing me, and it will continue to oppress me until we dispense with the entire system. You don't need a ceremony or a piece of paper to say you love someone. Marriage has never been anything to do with love, and people who think it is are buying into a sham invention that the patriarchy came up with to ensure the survival of their favourite tool.



What's the other favourite of same-sex marriage supporters—stable long-term relationships? Everyone is always talking about how gay people are capable of stable, long-term relationships. Well, fuck your stable long-term relationship. If I want to sleep around, I'll do it, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'll sleep with one person, or 20 people at once, and I won't keep it a secret like it's something to be ashamed of. I don't have children and I don't want children. I'm not going to base my relationships on what society expects me to do. You want children? Great; you should be free to do that without prejudice. Just like I should be able to do what I want.



It's time to stop accepting half-measures and denying who we are because the integration lobby tells us to. The next time someone tells you to tone it down, or take things a step at a time, or stop "acting so gay", or not mention whatever thing it is you do that society doesn't like, ignore them. Tell them that they are the thing that's holding back GSM rights. And when someone tries to stifle you or tell you you're wrong or irrelevant because you don't conform to their heteronormative assumptions, tell them they're wrong. No issue is too small or too unimportant to take a stand on, and the world will never be "good enough" until there is not a single person left as an outcast because of who they are.

