An issue I’ve noticed coming up on a regular basis with poly discussion groups is the subject of equality. It’s also a topic that has also popped up a number of times for me personally since moving to a polyamorous lifestyle.

“Primus Inter Pares”

Is a Latin phrase meaning first among equals. The phrase infers that a person is formally considered equivalent to others in a group, but is also superior in some attribute.

I find myself asking is equality actually possible or necessary?

Equality doesn’t always have to mean that everyone gets the exact same things at the exact same time, I’d actually in fact argue that it’s better if you don’t even try to do this.

Different partners are different people, and the different people have different needs, so if you try to give them the exact same things, it won’t necessarily make either of them happy. In fact its likely to back fire horribly and reduce the value placed upon every word, action and deed.

Another problem can also be generated and it’s a real relationship killer “keeping score”, but that’s a whole new article in itself. I wrote one a while back about couples, but I guess it applies to all relationship shapes and interactions between metamour’s too – “Keeping Score”

So perhaps instead of chasing the impossible dream of equality, we should all really be thinking about fairness instead, because fairness does not mean equality.It’s basically about treating people with kindness and understanding.

No one ever said being poly was gonna be easy and if they did they’re likely to be in for a surprise 😉