And it’s not all of a sudden either, there are stages to this heinous experience. At first, you smell something, it’s not completely awful yet but by this point, you know what’s coming.

That thing you smell begins to ferment, it starts to build and after about five seconds, it’s there. The smell is unholy, it lingers in the perspiration-filled air and it keeps on getting worse and worse.

By the time it’s a fully-fledged pong, your vibe is dead. You’re holding your nose in disbelief, you’ve stopped dancing and yes, you’ve spotted someone crying, screaming “why? WHY?!” Short of moving to find a new spot, there’s nothing you can really do to combat The Fart. In fact, if you do move, it looks like you’re the culprit. You’re fucked either way.

It’s almost the perfect crime too. Unless you’re there howling with laughter like some crazed sociopath who revels in the carnage they’ve caused, you can get away with it with no repercussion.It’s not as if you can pinpoint the location through sound because there’s a stack of Funktion Ones in front of you. You just hold your nose like everyone else and soak up the offense you’ve caused everyone in a 10-foot radius.

We recall a particularly bad one at Corsica Studios in Room One a few years ago (yes a few years ago, it really was that heinous). We love Corsica Studios but when it’s busy, it’s really, really busy and you never want to add a trump into the equation. It was Move D rolling out dreamy soundscapes when someone rolled out a track of their own, except it was the stinker to counter the majesty of David Moufang. A circle in the middle of the dancefloor formed to escape the whiff and people looked genuinely disappointed. It took about 10 minutes for normality to resume.

This may read as a guide on how to fart on the dancefloor but let us tell you, it’s not, it’s 100 per cent not. We believe that there should be a “see it, smell it, spot it” policy enforced on dancefloors. If you’re caught in the act, if you’re the person who’s intentionally caused upset to your fellow raver, then you should be evicted or at least escorted to the toilet where you can think about your actions while getting rid of any unwanted excess.