DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)—A new Mitt Romney is emerging in the closing days of the campaign, aides say: a man who is increasingly “being eaten alive with jealousy” by President Obama’s budding relationship with New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.

While Mr. Romney has told reporters that he is “totally fine” with Gov. Christie flying around in a helicopter with President Obama, privately he has told aides, “Seeing him with Chris Christie is tearing me apart.”

The trouble began earlier this week, a Romney aide said, when Mr. Romney saw Mr. Christie on CNN mention that President Obama “had given him his number at the White House.”

“Mitt was like, ‘Fine, whatever, do we have to watch this?’ and then basically ran out of the room,” the aide said. “It was completely awkward.”

Making matters worse, the aide said, “Chris Christie isn’t returning his calls.”

“Mitt was trying to explain his position on FEMA to reporters yesterday and he got all excited because his phone started vibrating,” the aide said. “It turned out it was just Ann.”

Mr. Romney, who has been seen doodling Chris Christie’s name in the margins of his briefing books in recent days, has apparently decided on a new course of action: to make the New Jersey governor jealous.

“He’s been calling [New York Governor Andrew] Cuomo,” the aide said. “But Cuomo won’t call him back either. It’s all so sad.”

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Photograph by Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty.