We made it. We made it to the episode of the blog’s namesake. I’ve got to be honest, the show really starts to slow down after the hometown dates. Did we even need to watch the first hour of this episode? Yeah he’s looking for love and these girls are falling in love with him and that’s great and all, but sick bastards like myself watch for the jealousy, the scandalous stories, to see who has nude photos floating around, who is going to tattle on who, etc. Recently we’ve been treated with a couple of actual story lines regarding the fantasy suite. On Juan Pablo’s season we had Andi’s freak out on him the morning after. This year we had a virgin in uncharted territories.

First up to sex Chris is America’s adopted Canadian, Kaitlyn. This week takes place in Bali. Here is a little help on where it’s located:

It’s actually kind of close to Australia. So close to civilization, yet so far away.

So the two love birds walk around town(?) (I’m guessing it’s a town. It’s bigger than whatever you call where Chris lives) hang out with the locals and their pet monkeys. They then head inside a temple that looked like the one from Lost:

There has been no confirmation that the leader of the temple wasn’t this guy:

Or this guy:

After their day they have dinner and then read the mythical fantasy suite date card on the table. They accept and Kaitlyn, one would assume, proceeds to pleasure Chris all night. My guess is that Kaitlyn is pretty freaky. Chris probably learned a trick or two to try out for the next fantasy suite date….

…which brings us to Whitney. How do you think they decide the order of these dates? Do the girls even know which order they are? If I am Chris I’m not telling Whitney she’s in the middle. He probably told each one they were first so that they try extra hard to set the bar high. But seriously, you think they ask Chris which order he wants to make sexy time with each girl?

Chris and Whitney head out to the Indian Ocean on a boat that is captained by one of the locals that keeps giving people thumbs up. Is that some sort of literal hint for Chris to try on Whitney later that night? They sit on the boat and talk and kiss (you ever notice how Chris is talking and then starts leaning in for the kiss before he finishes? He needs to work on his transition from one to the other) and make oogly eyes at each other before taking a dip in the ocean. By the way, Whitney looking pretty good in the bikini. Rest is the date is super boring, much like I would imagine their night in the fantasy suite.

Last up is Becca. In case ABC forgot to tell you in one of their promos, she’s the virgin. They walk through what I guess is rural Bali and check out that version of farm life. Chris was shitting all over their 19th century farming techniques as he rode by on his brand new John Deere Backhoe*.

*May not have happened

They then went to see some sort of Indian Magic 8 Ball prophet guy. There was a translator who made a bunch of shit up and laughed the whole time. It was weird. I don’t remember the rest of the date because every 5 seconds we got a Becca confessional about how nervous she was to tell Chris her secret. They have dinner and the fantasy suite card is presented. The two then head to the suite and she sits Chris down to tell him there will be no desert tonight. He seems surprised and there is a very long pause. I think Chris Harrison told him to say something in a headset because I don’t think he was ever going to talk. Being the country gentleman he is, Chris tells her that’s fine and he respects her decision. They spend the rest of the night talking and probably some light petting.

Becca was apparently a little too passive the night before (with her words. get your head out of the gutter) because Chris doesn’t know if she is all in or not. He stresses out for a while, then heads to the temple to face the ladies. They are in some sort of traditional Bali garb while Bachelor Chris and Chris Harrison are wearing this:

The temple is very sacred and they couldn’t even hold hands let alone do this:

Chris San pulls Becca away as soon as he gets to the rose night stand(?)(it really needs a name) to have a chat. Kaitlyn thinks that she is the wax on while Becca is the wax off and Chris is breaking the news to her. Low and behold they both walk back in to the temple holding hands. Whitney gets the first rose and right before he hands Becca the second he sweeps the leg of Kaitlyn and sends her home crying. Chris San walks her out and she predictably has more questions than he has answers. She rides in the car back to the hotel and knows that she will never hear this from Chris:

You are not going back to Chris. You are not going back to that temple. You are not going back to that island.

(Just remembered that Evangeline Lily, the girl that plays Kate in the clip above from Lost, is from Canada just like Kaitlyn. How about that for a reference)

So Kaitlyn:

Don’t worry though. We get to see you, Kelsey, and both Ashley’s next week on women tell all.

See you next week

- Nick