So there’s some dudes

oh wait shit i got ahead of myself

first there’s only one dude

his name is Iluvatar

(but with an accent over the u

but fuck accents this is america)

but then Iluvatar has him some thoughts

and those thoughts turn into other dudes

and those other dudes are called the Ainur

so Iluvatar lines up all these Ainur

and he’s like alright dudes

I have called you all here today

because I have a great idea for a band

you see

some bands rock hard

some bands even rock out with their cocks out

my friends

we are going to rock out so hard

we are going to INVENT COCKS

and EVERYTHING ELSE, actually.

Everyone thinks this is mad sweet

so they all gather round

and Iluvatar teaches them

A MIGHTY RIFF

and then he’s like okay dudes

now it is time

for you

to JAM

so all these Ainu are jamming out

busting mad solos on their celestial instruments and whatnot

and Iluvatar is sitting in his arm chair all pleased

but then this one Ainu named Melkor has to come along

and stick his dick in the porridge, so to speak

Here’s Melkor’s deal:

he is by far the most gifted musician out of all these dudes

he’s like if Orpheus was playing a Bach concierto on a piano made of Mozarts

dude is a prodigy is what I am trying to say

so obviously he doesn’t feel the need to show up to celestial band practice

and instead spends most of his time wandering through the void

looking for the sacred flame that animates all creation

you know

like ya do.

But if H.P. Lovecraft has taught us anything

(and I’m not saying that he has)

it is that wandering through the void is an excellent way to go TOTALLY CRAZY

so Melkor basically morphs into a huge asshole

and shows up at the big important Ainu dress rehearsal totally wasted

and with an ELECTRIC GUITAR

[warning: electric guitars are not strictly a canonical part of this myth

but they are a strictly canonical part of any totally sweet band

so suck it]

so everyone is jamming with the sweet riffs Iluvatar gave them

and meanwhile Melkor is just shredding over there on his axe

paying less than no attention to the rhythm or key or anything

and eventually the dudes who are standing near him are like holy shit

this music makes my blood want to shoot out my skull and start doing pushups

fuck Iluvatar’s pussy-ass music of creation

it is time for some goddamn THRASH METAL UP IN HERE

so dudes start drop-tuning their harps and lyres and organs

and whatever other lame shit you use when you’re not playing speed metal

and within ten minutes Iluvatar’s sweet heavenly orchestra

has become Melkor’s doombattle moshpit slaughterhouse

so Iluvatar stands up

all slow and confident

and he puts up his left hand

and suddenly this new riff starts up

and it’s pretty sweet, and it’s actually managing to pull the song together a bit

but then Melkor is like FUCK DAT

and starts biting the heads off chickens and whatnot

beating his guitar against his face and eating rusty nails

so Iluvatar stands up again

and this time he looks a little peeved

and he puts up his right hand

and ANOTHER riff starts up

all beautiful and placid and harmonic and shit

but Melkor is having none of it

he is just mashing power chords with the amps turned up to gazillion

so finally Iluvatar gets REAL PISSED

and he puts BOTH hands up

and the music just STOPS

and he’s like way to go guys

look what you did:

so he gives them all the power of sight

because up to this point

we were just dealing with an entire orchestra of brilliant Stevie Wonders

and BAM

they all see the world that their music has apparently been making

no one told them this would happen

they just thought they were having a sweet jam sesh

and the world is AWESOME

and Iluvatar is like yeah i know it’s awesome

guys this was my plan

even your shit, Melkor

I planned that too

like all that fire and ice and lava and shit?

that is where we get snowflakes and rain and … and rad lava

so everyone wins!

and everyone is looking at this world

and all their licks and riffs and meedlies are encoded in the terrain

and they are totally getting their minds blown

and then DUDES start showing up

humans and elves!

and Iluvatar is like okay who wants to go live in this new world

and everyone is like OH ME ME ME

so they go to earth and become the Valar

except joke’s on them

because that shit they saw?

that was just a vision of how things are GOING to be

so now earth is just a screaming ball of magma and junk

and they are the ones who have to do the hard work of building it

so humans and elves can just show up and party

so naturally these dudes are pretty pissed

the main guys who got suckered into this

are Ulmo, who is mainly in charge of water

Manwe, who does wind stuff

Aule, who is a geology nerd

and Melkor who is an asshole

also Melkor invents fire

which is good

but he invents it by torching all of the other stuff

so, not as good

so imagine yourself in this situation

you’ve just been promised a paradise based on a sweet track you recorded

you pay the security deposit, sign the lease

and now you are stuck in a hell of fire and low property values

while your dick friend tries to immolate everything you own

and you are PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR RENNOVATING THIS PLACE

naturally the outcome is ceaseless wars

the Valor keep trying to build shit

and Melkor just keeps setting it on fire

over and over again

until finally the valor succeed in making something vaguely resembling a world

and all the humans and elves show up

and the valor all put on human and elf skins

because when they’re naked they’re just invisible

which is actually a pretty okay superpower depending on your body image

and Melkor doesn’t want them to have all the fun

so he tries to assume physical form too

but he is too metal for humanity, so he turns into a VOLCANO

and then more wars

but eventually less wars

and now, people!

So the moral of the story

is that shitty music is literally destroying the world.

the end.