Today's hearsay is going to hunt those bike thieves down like the dogs they are

Since it gave up the ghost on the Princess Diana conspiracy, the Daily Express has lacked a certain lustre. The gung-ho gusto with which it lambasted immigrants has waned, the crosswords aren't as good and Justin Toper's long, flowing locks haven't the sheen or volume they once did.

But on page 11 today, every Middle Englander's second-favourite right-wing read has redeemed itself with a list of weird, wonderful and (in some cases) wacky facts that, remarkably, double-up as padding for the latest round-up of rumours.

In Britain, eight walkers have died in the past decade as a result of cow stampedes. Which is not the main reason why Chelsea's £31m Andriy Shevchenko is returning to AC Milan. The main reason is that he's not very good.

Two-thirds of the world's people have never seen snow. Three-thirds of the world's population have seen the rumour linking £25m-rated Robinho to Chelsea. Peter Kenyon is making it happen.

Cristiano Ronaldo was named after Ronald Reagan. Blackburn's Roque Santa Cruz wasn't named after Ronald Reagen or indeed Rocky or Santa Claus but that doesn't worry Martin O'Neill who's willing to pay either £25m or £16m for him, depending which paper you read.

Six per cent of all heart attacks occur during sexual intercourse. Of these, 90 per cent happen during extramarital sex. Something Liverpool's Xabi Alonso should bear in mind before playing away with Arsenal, who are cutting up Johan Djourou's suits and kicking him out to Rennes on loan.

In 2003 there were only 15 professional ventriloquists left in Britain. There are only 15 players left in Spain that haven't been bothered by Rafa Benítez now that he's given Espanyol's winger Albert Riera the £10m glad-eye.

In the Eskimo language Inuktitut, one word, iminngernaveersaartunngortusaavunga, means "I should try not to become an alcoholic". In Russia, where it is compulsory to become an alcoholic, neither Andrei Arshavin nor Roman Pavlyuchenko will be joining Spurs. Andrei's too expensive while Roman just can't be bothered.

A penny drooped from the top of the Empire State Building would do no more than sting a pedestrian on the ground. A penny dropped from the top of Stefan Maienhofer, the 6'8 striker for Rapid Vienna, would flatten everyone in Hull so, well, watch out folks.

Butterflies taste with their feet. Jimmy Bullard uses his feet to scamper about playing football, to go fishing and to move from Fulham to Bolton for £3m.

One in every 3,400 Americans is an Elvis impersonator. Eddie Johnson may or may not be one of them. Either way, he's joining Cardiff on loan after they missed out on David Healy, who's due to sign for Blackburn and isn't an Elvis impersonator. As far as the Mill knows.

Ethiopia's calendar is more than seven years behind the rest of the world. Which means they'll have to wait till 2015 to find out that Trevor Benjamin is off to Cheltenham, that Ian Harte is trying to get a job at Southampton and that Dean Leacock is embroiled in a tug-of-love between Burnley and Preston.