Privately, the England cricket squad are fuming.

Publicly, Joe Root says the allegations against his teammate Jonny Bairstow are "making a mountain of a molehill". Privately, that molehill is a grassy knoll, the shooter last seen sprinting an all-run four away from Dealey Plaza.

Privately, England are convinced that it went like this. As the first Test match in Brisbane swung Australia's way on the fourth afternoon, that master puppeteer David Warner sent an eyebrow-signal to the media section, sidled into range of a stump microphone, and said to James Anderson, "You shouldn't headbutt our mates".

Privately, England suspect that the stump mic was directed, positioned and volume-controlled for this precise moment. Privately, England know that the Warner comment was then leaked and translated for friendly media, who were given a nod and a wink to understand that it referred not to Anderson, who has headbutted only his own knee during his follow-through. Rather, "Anderson" was a code word for "Bairstow", aka the England wicketkeeper, whose head allegedly came into playful contact with the region of Cameron Bancroft's head – specifically, he revealed, the forehead – in a Perth bar a few weeks ago. Bairstow is a redhead, and we know what they're like, right? See the links?