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Hello and welcome to Your Progressive Future, where leftist media lectures women on how best to suffer through painful and unnecessary sex acts because causing women pain makes their dicks hard.

Last week, AlterNet published an article by Jon Pressick (who is thrilled and amazed at the ongoing “technological advances” made by the porn industry — oh, what innovation is inspired when money can be made from female flesh!) called, “7 Tips for Having Anal Sex That Doesn’t Hurt.” Always looking to help, AlterNet, didyaknow, aims to “inspire action and advocacy on the environment, human rights and civil liberties, social justice, media, health care issues, and more!” More where, you ask? In your butt!

Jon doesn’t beat around the bush, and admits right off the bat that “anal sex might hurt and we all need to know that.” See?! You can trust him ladies. But naturally there are reasons you should go ahead and learn to tolerate it. Jon never mentions exactly what those reasons are, mentioning pain or the potential for pain almost constantly throughout the piece, but let me tell you, men love it when they get to do exactly what they want, whether or not their female partners are into it! And isn’t that reason enough? You don’t want your sweet dude heading off to abuse or exploit some other lucky lady instead of you, do you??

Dear Jon goes on to explain numerous ways women can go about pushing those pesky fears and boundaries down down down (as we all know, the most sex-positive thing women can do is totally ignore all their boundaries!) and just “work past anal discomfort.” I know, I know, you all are just dying to spend your hard earned free time trying to relax enough (idk, maybe try benzos?) to fulfill your natural destiny as Sex Toy, but before you get to it, I came up with a little list for those less inclined. Here are seven tips for avoiding anal sex with men who’ve spent too much time on the internet:

1) Does your man keep pestering you for anal sex, despite the fact you are very clearly not interested? Tell him to go fuck himself and move on! He is clearly either 18-years-old or a complete asshole.

2) Just stop fucking men. Most of them, lets be honest, think their dicks are more important than your feelings or pleasure. Fuck it.

3) Tell the man in your life you’d be more than happy to accommodate anal sex right after he’s read your entire library of radical feminist texts, from Big Porn Inc. to Andrea Dworkin’s Pornography to Robert Jensen’s Getting Off to Gail Dines’ Pornland and beyond. Have him write a 4000 word essay on each book and also discuss the texts with you and a (radical) feminist therapist for as many sessions as you deem necessary.

4) Tell him to stop watching porn. Oh, wait — does your boyfriend watch porn? Dump him.

5) Is this man a man you live with? Never come home again.

6) What turns you on?? Is it watching a number of men inflict sexualized pain and torture on your boyfriend or husband while calling him degrading names, filming it, and then putting it on the internet for the whole world to watch over and over again? Why not ask him to take a hot bath and try to relax and get into it — surely he wants you to be happy?

7) Let him know you’re totally willing to try anal sex with him just as soon as he grows a female body and lets some dude stick his erection up his butt.

I mean, just like Jon says, “When ass is offered up, it can be hard to resist the temptation of getting right down to business.”

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Meghan Murphy Founder & Editor Meghan Murphy is a freelance writer and journalist. She has been podcasting and writing about feminism since 2010 and has published work in numerous national and international publications, including The Spectator, UnHerd, the CBC, New Statesman, Vice, Al Jazeera, The Globe and Mail, and more. Meghan completed a Masters degree in the department of Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies at Simon Fraser University in 2012 and lives in Vancouver, B.C. with her dog.