Every now and then the impossible happens. Men discover a way to walk on the moon, the Philadelphia Eagles finally win a Super Bowl, Amy Schumer finally finds a boyfriend. Schumer is no longer single because of her stunning good looks and infectiously funny style of comedy. That sounds almost as stupid as those new ads on Xvideos you can’t skip for five full seconds asking if you were watching porn alone. Watching the latest illegally uploaded Brazzers videos should always be a solo experience just like Schumer’s love life. But things change. I’m still not going to invite my best mates over for a joint wank but somehow Amy has done what no other women in her weight class with a similar face without a Netflix special has done, find love. I’m surprised any male would impale that whale but piles of money will get anyone laid when you’re unfunny and unattractive. The name of the unlucky closet chubby chaser is Chris Fischer.

Who is Chris Fischer? A chef. Are you really surprised that a woman who obviously likes to eat more than the normal human being is dating someone who made a career out of food? I’m not. It’s a match made in artery clogged heaven. She’s 36 with a middle-aged dad bod. I can’t wait until TLC is able to do a celebrity version of my 600 pound life starring Amy Schumer.

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