SINCE TAKING OFFICE in January 2017, President Trump has been bulldozing every policy ever implemented by his predecessor, and this week is no different. Trump today took aim at what he calls ‘...the crippling of our great police force.’ In an executive order, the president has directed the Department of Homeland Security to take what little funding the Environmental Protection Agency has left and redirect it to police departments nationwide.

“We need additional resources for our great men and women in uniform who protect us from illegal aliens who shamelessly steal our cars and recycled bottles,” explained the president. The executive order repeals the ‘Green Policing’ mandate, which allowed law enforcement departments to buy Prius police vehicles from Japanese auto maker Toyota Motor Corporation; a point of contention during the ongoing global trade war. The policy was originally meant to save taxpayers money on gasoline expenditures, given the sheer volume of police vehicles that are in use at any given moment. In addition, it was meant to help the United States reduce its dependence on foreign oil as scientists continued to toy with ‘battery technology’ for cars, houses, and electric powered fidget-spinners.

Trump cited ‘national security concerns’ regarding the purchase of foreign vehicles for official police use. “And even more than just that,” continued Trump, “Have you ever been in a Prius? It has no power and is as slow as walking. Yuck.” He went on to boast about our energy independence, declaring, “Producing energy at home and exporting the excess to other countries means money-money-money for America!” The plan is to replace these eco-friendly vehicles with cars that are actually able to chase down criminals’ Ferraris. Newly purchased police vehicles will now have to be American made, equipped with a five-liter V8 engine (at a minimum), and supercharged versions must be available for any deputy with greater than one month of tenure on the force.

“Have you ever been in a Prius? It has no power and is as slow as walking. Yuck.” - President Trump

Police Chiefs in non-sanctuary cities/states are slotted to be receiving American made Tesla vehicles permanently locked into ‘insane mode’ - a feature that compromises battery efficiency in order to arrive at locations 8 seconds faster. “We can be green too,” declared Trump. “But green with power is far more impressive than simply limping into a crime scene in a Prius.”

Also on the chopping block were all the regulations Obama instituted that were aimed at making police officers appear less threatening to common citizens. The idea was to ease race relations that have been escalating between numerous police departments and the communities they serve. Law enforcement officers were encouraged to find common ground with the community based on the activities each officer could opt into. Cops were allowed to purchase used BMX bikes and push-scooters to use while patrolling ‘outside of a police vehicle,’ and squirt guns were encouraged to be used in ‘safe’ neighborhoods, as a means to not rattle the rich.

“Listen,” Trump declared, “we need TOUGH cops, not guidance counselors for the entire country.” Police departments around the nation are being notified of the new list of restricted items no longer suitable for official police use, including: BMX bikes, push-scooters, squirt guns, sparklers, Nerf archery sets, relighting birthday candles, and magic trick sets of all kinds.

“Listen,” Trump declared, “we need TOUGH cops, not guidance counselors for the entire country.”

The NRA has announced support for the president’s actions; they have even offered to start a buy-back program for police to turn in their squirt/nerf guns in exchange for 5% off their first year of NRA subscription when they opt for a five year membership. Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the NRA, stated, “We’re doing this to help protect the people who protect the second amendment. Police officers of the country hear me: Trump & I support you.”