CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

A new report by 11,258 scientists in 153 countries from a broad range of disciplines warns that the planet “clearly and unequivocally faces a climate emergency,” and provides six broad policy goals that must be met to address it.

However, in Australia, a country that is currently being ravaged by unprecedented bushfires and some of the most severe droughts in recorded history, this extremely concerning report is not worth the needless anxiety.

That’s according to Prime Minister Morrison, who still believes Australia is only responsible for 1.5% of the earth’s carbon emissions, despite the fact we are on of the largest exporters of coal to the Indians, who are responsible for a lot more than 1.5%.

The analysis is a stark departure from recent scientific assessments of global warming, such as those of the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, in that it does not couch its conclusions in the language of uncertainties, and it does prescribe policies.

The study, called the “World scientists’ warning of a climate emergency,” marks the first time a large group of scientists has formally come out in favour of labelling climate change an “emergency”.

Unfortunately, their refusal to reference the Almighty Lord Jesus Christ in the report has put the Australian Prime Minister off-side.

Morrison says that these so-called 11 thousands experts from 152 different countries aren’t listening to the Quiet Australians, who are mostly concerned about their retirement nest eggs. He believes this gives him mandate to continue flogging the vulnerable Great Barrier Reef like a 1997 Commodore full of junior rugby league players.

But, despite the rapidly shrinking funding, and general disdain that the Australian government holds towards them for presenting such inconvenient research – our nation’s scientists are not giving up yet.

Using the widely successful messaging platform of Hillsong Music, a bold group of climatologists are attempting to deliver the urgent warnings of environmental collapse to the Prime Minister, through subtle lyricism and appalling deodorised post-grunge rock.

“We needed to try new avenues” said one scientist, who refuses to name himself or his band, for fear that Brian Houston will have him schvitzed with radioactive nerve agent for infiltrating their highly-secretive cult of pedophile-apologist Pentecostalism.

“At least now we’ve got the churchgoers listening to us. We just need to get a gig down in Cronulla. From there, we’ll have to find a way somehow convince Prime Minister Morrison that maybe God isn’t going to be able to save us from the horrors of accelerating our use of fossil fuels despite countless warnings that we are facing mass extinctions”

“I mean, if this entire congregation can convince themselves that the tax-avoiding church that they give 10% of their annual income to wasn’t founded by a rock spider who abused countless young children, some as young as seven years old, before being protected until death by his family and high-ranking pastors…”

“Then I reckon we might have a shot here!”