Baby, we’ve been together for a while now, and I think it’s time we finally went out to dinner with another couple. Yes, I know we did exactly that last night, and last week, and the week before that, and on our first date — but I’m not talking about sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with two strangers, bumping elbows with each bite. I’m talking about going out with a couple we actually know and sitting pretty much on their laps on purpose.

I know it’s a huge step. For the past few months, we’ve been leaning in across the table so the couple sitting so close we can feel their breath on our necks can’t hear us talk about podcasts, but I think it’s time we sat next to another couple and brought them into our conversation about Fresh Air versus WTF. Your friend Jeff’s girlfriend Sarah seems like a big Marc Maron fan, so I bet we’d have a lot to talk — and argue — about. Haha.

Maybe we could go out with my friends John and Janna! I’ve told you all about them. Yes, the coke heads! They’ll be so chatty we’ll be able to sit there and quietly enjoy our meals for once without having to strain to hear exactly what the couple one table over is fighting about. It’ll be like last Friday night, when we went to that little cafe in Soho and sat on top of another couple and discovered they’d bought tickets to the same movie we were going to see but they left before us because she said she loves the previews as if it were the most unique, adorable thing anyone had ever said — except this time we’ll be doing dinner and a movie with another couple we’d really rather not spend time with intentionally. Doesn’t that sound fun, or at least like it would allow us to feel momentarily in control of our lives instead of constantly being thrust into vaguely interesting but mostly frustrating situations with strangers all the time?

Or, if you’d rather not have to yell across the table at another couple because the foursome directly next to is so goddamn loud, we could just invite Evan and Luke over and have a double date night in! We could order food, smoke some pot, talk about whatever happened to Ronna and Beverly…

Actually, I guess we could do that just the two of us? It would be kind of nice to just hang out in my nice, quiet apartment — or yours since it has that big sitting area. We’d be able to actually focus on our own conversation instead of trying to figure out why the couple next to us is breaking up. We could eat with our elbows bent out wide, just for fun! Picture it: just the two of us, no one else around — except, probably, your four roommates.

Right, I totally forgot — that’s why we go out in the first place.