It’s January and some of the seed catalogs have already arrived! It’s time to get down, and I mean DOWN, and plan the garden for planting this spring. Usually, when the catalogs arrive I snatch them out of my husband’s hands, grab a sheet of paper and a pencil and bolt for the bedroom and lock the door. Don’t bother me when I’m planning the tomato garden! The garden is mine, all mine! I can survive this rotten winter planning the garden and looking at pretty pictures of all the varieties. Especially when Plan A is going to be getting back to the Wall ‘O Waters this spring for 6 of my tomatoes. They can be planted in April! Which means it’s just about time to start the seeds! I used Wall O’Waters for years out in the country and got beautiful ripe tomatoes by July 4th. But that was before I moved to the city and was introduced to…..

VAMPIRE SQUIRRELS

Never, NEVER have I had to deal with creatures such as these. When I lived way out in New Salem, dealing with woodchucks that lived only 25 feet from my garden was not a biggie. They’d come out and rummage around in the grass chomping away and I’d surprise them once in awhile. “RUN AWAY! SHE’S BACK! RUN!” They never touched my garden. Skunks. Deer. Lots of deer. There were wire cages around my tomatoes, but no protection anywhere else and they were, “Eh. We’ve got enough to eat.” Porcupines. Ok, once in awhile a bird would poke a beak into one of my tomatoes and they would eat all my blueberries overnight (birds do that) but not my cherries (don’t know why birds do that, but one morning I watched a coyote fill his belly with cherries that had dropped) but we lived in harmony. Everyday, standing on the front porch from spring to fall, I’d see Turkey Mom (who never bothered ANYTHING) crossing the front of our property near the old apple tree with her 7 turkey cutlets and not losing a single baby to the vicious coyotes that prowled our property. And she didn’t even care that I was strolling around. That’s respect, man! The turkey never yelled: RUN AWAY!

Turkey Mom: Hey.

Me: Hey. How ya doin’?

Turkey: These kids of mine are a pain in the neck, but you’ve gotta get them into a routine, ya know?

Me: Tell me about it. At least your kids won’t ask for a college fund.

Turkey: LOL!!! See ya!

Me: See ya!

Cutlet: When are we going to get there, Mom?

Turkey: You ask me that one more time…

So, leaving the quiet of the country for a neighborhood in the city, I though gardening would be a breeze! Until I ran into:

VAMPIRE AND JEDI SQUIRRELS!

They not only eat everything in site, they’re little criminals. Members of some inner city rodent gang who bring terror into the heart of every other animal in the city. Including Rottweilers, Pit Bulls and Mastiff’s. They knocked over every plant on our back porch ledge because they thought it was FUNNY. I put the cages up around the tomato plants but they just ran up to the top and jumped inside, eating their way down and back up. ” Time to go! Here she comes! Ha ha ha! B __ch!” They ate tomatoes while they were green and would toss them like baseballs. “Yuck. This one sucks. Maybe the next one will taste better! Nope! Hey, what about this one…”

I had to resort to covering the tops of the cages with chicken wire and could see them huddled on the top of the fence giving me dirty looks, chattering with their trash talk, flipping me the bird. I can no longer have Topsy Turvy’s, because they used them for a squirrel carnival ride while they were eating the tomatoes that grew on them.

I am going to defeat them this season! Even if I have to sit out all night with a gong to keep them and the occasional possum away. Hmmm, the neighbors might not like that…

Back to that Jung’s Seed Catalog! Ooooh, the Burpee’s catalog arrived, too!