We’ve talked before about some of the reasons why bizarre English signage pops up in Asia. One of the most common causes is a fundamental difference in the way sentences are structured between English and other languages. Automated translations programs, which aren’t nearly as well sorted out as many monolingual users believe, are also among the usual suspects.

That said, looking at a flawed translation is sort of like performing an autopsy, in that sometimes there’s a limit in what it can tell you. Just like the medical examiner might say, “Well, all the baby spiders hatching inside the subject’s eyeball definitely killed him, but I’ve got no idea how the eggs got in there,” there are times like these when we look at some garbled English, and, just like we can’t stifle our chuckles, we can’t imagine why the translation went flying off the rails, or if it was even on them to begin with.

Before we dive into the real head-scratchers of the collection of photos taken in Japan and China, originally featured on Dorkly, we have to point out that a few of these don’t really qualify as mistranslations. For example, blunt as the phrasing may seem to a native English-speaker, this sign in China really does say that taking a dump is prohibited.

This translation from Japan is likewise liberal, and would more normally be translated as “Clean up after your dog’s droppings,” but isn’t so much wrong as just needlessly explicit.

Sometimes, the real difference isn’t between languages, but cultures. For example, the Japanese message here, presumably hung in a pub, actually does say “Thank you for drinking with us regularly.” Japan doesn’t really have a problem with drinking as long as you’re not bothering others, which is one of the reasons we love it here.

In some shots, though, the non-English version is cut off or absent, so we’re not sure what the writer was trying to say.

▼ We’re guessing the owner of this pizza joint is so high-strung because his neighbor has been putting the shit of his dog.

Still, there’s a lot of good advice to be taken away, like the polite warning here.

▼ We’re not sure why you’d want to grow one there, though. Is that what kids are into these days?

Likewise, this is a sound strategy, although we’re not sure if they’re saying we should keep an eye on our belongings or making a subtle reference to remembering to use protection.

Sometimes, the translations have an almost lyrical quality to them. We wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t penned by a park ranger, but by the spirit of the mountain itself.

In this case, the result is akin to abstract, surrealistic poetry.

▼ Really, when we get right down to it, emotionally, aren’t we all with an onion?

We’re guessing many of you caught the “cock” sticking out of that menu description. We’re not sure if it’s supposed to mean chicken, or if it’s a misspelling of “cooked,” since while Japan does eat some unusual things, phallus generally isn’t something you’ll find on restaurant menus.

Another frequent stumbling block in translation is converting vocabulary from one form into another, such as from an adjective to a noun. We’re pretty sure this sign is trying to tell us that the floors are slippery, and that we should watch out for their slipperiness.

▼ Or maybe someone just can’t stand that Starfox toad.

But hey, everyone makes tiny mistakes like that now and again. Nobody’s perfect, right?

▼ Not even the staff of the Perfection Concentration Camp, who neglected to switch Perfection to Perfect. Oh, and also to remove any inadvertent references to the Holocaust.

▼ This might not be a mistranslation, but a fully formed sentence, observing that sewer drinking straws, whether drunk from or swallowed, will indeed trash people’s stomachs.

But while most of these are harmless, there are times when a poor translation could put someone in serious jeopardy. Imagine the danger that could be caused by someone taking this sign at face value.

It goes without saying, but that’s not going to explode when you toss it at a group of enemy agents, which means they’ll still be very much alive and still chasing you, no matter how awesome of a one-liner you follow your toss up with.

Speaking of muscular action heroes, this dish’s description reads like the inner monologue of someone who just finished a really good weightlifting workout and whose body is craving protein.

Still, that menu’s dislike of non-meat foodstuffs isn’t anywhere near the deep-seeded hatred of this sign.

Wow, kind of harsh, don’t you think? They’re just vegetables, after all. It’s not like they’re something really unappetizing, like smelly chicken bones.

Well played, bad translations. Well played.

Source: Dorkly

Top image: Tumblr (edited by RocketNews24)

Insert images: Flicker (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11), Reddit, Flicker (12), Tumblr, Flicker (13)