If you see someone walking around MacHall dressed as a vagina, you aren’t in the middle of a weird dream — it’s just Sex Week. A collaboration between various campus groups, the University of Calgary’s annual week of dildo-ring-tossing, condom giveaways and awareness workshops will take place from Feb. 1–5.

And along with Sex Week comes the Gauntlet’s annual sex survey. A smorgasbord of fun facts and way too much information, our survey is an informal cross-section of the student populace and what gets them off. Who’s doing the do? Where are they doing it? How are they doing it? And for goodness’ sake, who’s still paying for porn?

This year, 244 people responded anonymously to our questions on everything from sex positions to porn-viewing habits.

To start, 37 per cent of respondents said they’ve had sex on campus. As expected, many said they’d done the deed in residence. But apparently, the MacHall washrooms also get a lot of action. One person even said theyhad sex in a janitor’s closet in the Arts Parkade. Other popular choices include classrooms, hallways and the TFDL stairs — though hopefully not the fancy glass ones in front of Good Earth.

Fewer people — 30 per cent — said they’d watched porn on campus than done the actual deed. So either porn-watching in general is less popular than the real thing, or U of C students find it more convenient to have actual sex under Elizabeth Cannon’s roof than watch a video of it in the back of a lecture hall.

When it comes to the weirdest places people have masturbated, people have pleasured themselves on planes, trains, tractors and automobiles. And also apparently at the MacHall Dairy Queen. If you ever decide you want to observe the Students’ Legislative Council’s weekly meetings in the Council Chambers, remember that people have allegedly masturbated there too. And based on the number of responses relating to various classrooms and lecture theatres, the seat in your ECON 201 lecture was probably the site of some steamy self-action at one point or another.

All of these stats getting you in the mood? One respondent said the weirdest thing said to them during sex was their partner asking who they were voting for in the upcoming Students’ Union elections. One lucky respondent was proposed to in the midst of the act, and another was told “my sister pulls my hair harder than that.”

Our survey is hardly scientific, but it is one way of looking at the larger sex picture at the U of C. There are a lot of crazy and questionably true responses, but there is also simplicity in the stats. 29 per cent of people have had sex with someone they met online. 42 per cent of people said they’d faked an orgasm. And 21 per cent of people are weirdos who prefer to keep their socks on during sex.

Statistics like these remind us that the U of C is a diverse place. When we asked how many sexual partners people have had, the same amount — 14 per cent — said that they’d had zero as those who’d had more than sixteen different partners, with the remaining 72 per cent of people falling somewhere in the middle. Finding out that 14 per cent of people are in the same boat as you — one way or the other — can be reassuring.

There aren’t really right answers when it comes to sex. Sure, you probably shouldn’t masturbate in a C-Train car, empty or not, and enthusiastic consent is mandatory, but having sex with 20 different people or not having sex at all is your decision. Sex as a concept is messy, confusing and full of surprises — socks on or off.

But, to the person who said their favourite sex position was “whatever works” — if there was a right answer, it’s that one.

Melanie Woods, Gauntlet Editorial Board