Giving a guy the impression that you’re interested in him, when, in fact, you’re not, is possibly the very worst thing you can do as a human being. If you send him the wrong signals, he will get his wires so crossed that he trips and bruises his delicate ego to the point that he may never fully recover, spending the rest of his days being aggressively upfront about “what you want from this” with every other woman he meets. A guy’s mind is so occupied with conundrums such as world peace and that tickling feeling in his man bits that he cannot be expected to completely process interactions with the opposite sex beyond, “Oh yeah, she wants the D.” Shockingly, she does not always “want the D.” But we can only blame ourselves for the confusion when we recklessly engage in the following obvious signs of interest:

Making direct eye contact is a sure sign of deep, primal desire. Wearing revealing clothing is essentially the same act as when the female baboon shows her posterior to the male as a request for mating. Getting even the slightest bit intoxicated in his presence is basically a neon sign reading, “I’d like to get naked with you, please take off your pants!” Starting a conversation is definitely risky business. If you must engage a man you’re not interested in in conversation, try to stick to non-seductive topics, such as your cat’s recent neutering or bunions. These may, however, still be misconstrued as a desperate plea for his affection, depending on his personal interests. Being enthusiastic during a conversation is a huge no no. Try to stick to one-word responses or even grunts when possible. If he can’t understand you, there’s a slightly smaller chance he won’t mistake your words as a declaration of love. Asking for notes after missing a shared class should be done in the most distant manner possible, such as in sign language or by miming. The beret and face paint will also act as a sure sign that you are not trying to ensnare him in a romantic trap. This excludes those males with a thing for mimes, and you should consider this before engaging in any potentially suggestive mimery. Extending an invitation for him to enter your place of residence is very easily construed as an invitation to the wedding you’ve already planned to him. Giggling beguilingly or laughing at his jokes will come off as flirting, regardless of how truly amusing you may find the joke. It is best to hold in all laughter unless you want him to think you’re smitten with his wit. Texting him first is on par with asking him to marry you, and this should only be done under the most extreme life or death circumstances, such as needing to be signed in for class on a raining Monday morning. Any sort of physical touch is practically begging for intercourse. It doesn’t matter if you’re about to trip and fall to your death or if he’s about to walk into traffic. Don’t touch him unless you’re interested in pursuing sexual relations and possibly a long-term, monogamous relationship. If you don’t ever commit any of these egregious faux pas, you may manage to navigate life without inadvertently leading on a male. We must respect the male hummingbird-like fragility, lest he thinks we want to date, when, in fact, we just want to borrow a pencil.