WASHINGTON—With the MLB season still less than a week old, millions of weary Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they were already sick of baseball. “Three innings into opening day and I was completely bored to death,” said 36-year-old Michael Simpkins, echoing the sentiment of the entire U.S. populace while expressing that he could not wait for the tedious MLB season to finally end. “I was sort of excited before the game, but once they started playing I immediately realized that I couldn’t take one more second of this unwatchable shit.” At press time, the nation was reportedly reading articles on the NFL Draft and asked reporters to let them know who won the World Series.

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