Now that we have a title and a teaser for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, it’s time for everyone’s theories, hopes, and dreams to really start going to light speed. Everything that has been said about the finale of the Skywalker Saga is being picked apart ruthlessly, so naturally it’s time to analyze one of the new canon’s most important aspects: Luke Skywalker’s virginity.

We're not joking. The Rise of Skywalker isn’t likely to be similar to the last season of The Bachelor, in which the word “virgin” was spoken every six seconds, but a recent tweet from Mark Hamill brought this scorching-hot issue to the forefront, so we are picking up the slack. After all, Jedi code (and a potential successor order) are gonna be key here.

Before Lucasfilm swept away the old canon, we knew for a fact that Luke wasn’t a virgin. The love of his life was his enemy-turned-lover, Mara Jade. They got pretty hot and heavy over the course of many books in the old extended universe, and Jade remains a fan-favorite character despite her current status as a "legend" only. In the new canon of Star Wars, no such character exists, and it could be safe to think that from Tatooine to Ahch-To, Luke Skywalker saw no form of carnal embrace. But for this activity, we are going to assume Hamill's self-generated backstory.

Some context: In terms of the Skywalkers, we know that Shmi was impregnated (without consent) by Sheev Palpatine’s manipulations of midi-chlorians — whether she went the distance with Cliegg Lars after they got married is anyone’s guess. We know for a fact that Anakin Skywalker and Padme broke code — Luke and Leia wouldn’t exist if they hadn't. Leia and Han got down (resulting in Ben "you're nothing" Solo), but what of Luke? Aside from some unwitting Targaryen-form kisses with Leia, we never really see him get down with anyone in the films. So who could it have been with? And when? I have a few theories.

Video of Luke wants to go to the tosche station to pick up some power converters 10 hours

TOSCHE STATION

Who’s to say that Luke hadn’t already gotten down with someone before the events of the very first film? He had a circle of friends on Tatooine — one of them was Biggs Darklighter (who we see later on in the film), and the others were two teens around his age named Fixer and Camie. Perhaps Luke wasn’t just going to Tosche Station for power converters ... maybe he’d started an awkward sexual liaison with Camie, Fixer, Biggs, or some combination of the three, and that's why he really, really wanted to go down there that fateful day. He wasn’t lying to his uncle, either, because “power converter” is just another way of saying “make love," is it not?

Yes, Luke is whiny in the first movie, and it’s hard to believe that the kid has had that much development. But lots of immature teens have immature sex. For what it’s worth, the novelization of Star Wars: The Last Jedi opens with Luke envisioning an alternate future where he never left Tatooine — in this vision, he and Camie are married. In scenes cut from the film (that actually do show Camie, Fixer, and Tosche Station), it wouldn’t be too much of a leap to think that Camie could be crushing on him. Fixer could be too, who knows.

Video of Luke Destroys The Death Star [1080p]

THE OL’ DEATH STAR 'ONE IN A MILLION' THANK YOU

Luke had a lot of adventures in between the first movie and Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. He’d just revealed himself as a hero to the galaxy, and surely there’s some pretty person that wanted to thank him for what he did … like, really thank him hard. He’d just hit a shot that was one in a million ... maybe he did it twice.

The new comics reveal that Luke, Leia, and Han got right back to adventuring immediately after the Battle of Yavin, but Luke does have a romance with a girl named Tula in a recent comic, and also has a somewhat passing flirtation with Doctor Aphra. He’s learning about the Force for the first time during this period, so he wouldn’t have gotten the stern talk about Jedi celibacy. Something tells me that even if he did get that talk, he would ignore it. This would be a logical time for Luke to have popped his jogan fruit, and it could have been with any number of people. Tula is certainly a candidate.

Video of Star Wars VI - Return of the Jedi - Final End

I AM A JEDI, I JUST BURNED MY FATHER’S BODY, TIME FOR SEX

Another time that is ripe for Luke to indulge in some sexcapades is right after the Battle of Endor. Again, the team gets back to work after the Ewok celebration is over — the comic Star Wars: Shattered Empire depicts this, as the entire moon is far from secure. The night of the Ewok party would have been sex night, because that’s the only "rest" that the heroes allowed themselves. Even that was probably too much.

The only issue here is that Luke just had a pretty exhausting day, both physically and emotionally. He turned his father back to the light, declared that he was a Jedi, was almost fried by the Emperor, burned his father’s corpse, and had a meaningful moment with three force ghosts. Would he let off some steam by going space town right after all that? Or would he just wanna drink and sleep?

The former is very possible. Again, he’s a hero of the Rebellion, and who knows what those Ewoks smoke/drink/pop/snort at those parties. A quick (probably very quick) fling behind one of those giant trees isn’t completely out of the question, but that’s one karkin’ kriff of a thing to pile on to the day that he just had. Force lightning may have ruined his mood... or possibly enhanced it? Oh to be young, and to feel love's keen dark side force lightning.

AFTERMATH: VIRGINITY'S END

One year later, the Empire suffered its final defeat at the Battle of Jakku. With some kind of peace finally achieved, Luke finally could have had time for love. Still, the question is who with?

I keep thinking that if it was with anyone, it was with one of his old pilot buddies — Wedge Antilles was probably not an option, as his romantic life was complicated at this time according to what we learn about him in the book Star Wars: Aftermath— Empire’s End. If not Wedge, then maybe another pilot that we don’t know so well? Maybe he went cruising around Jakku for action now that peace was achieved? Jakku didn’t look like it was rife with romantic prospects in Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but he would have been one determined Jedi.

Luke surely knew about the ways of the old Jedi at this point, and he would have known that attachment (and sexual healing) were very much frowned on. If he got up to some Skywalking here, he would have been knowingly breaking the rules, so I can imagine Yoda’s force ghost trying to star-block him at every turn.

BURN IT ALL DOWN, THEN UP, THEN DOWN AGAIN, REPEAT

After his new Jedi Temple was destroyed and he had his whole cycle of issues with Ben Solo/Kylo Ren, Luke was very distraught. If he didn’t roam the galaxy to “find himself” before building that temple, then the burning of the temple (coupled with Kylo’s betrayal) would have caused him to reexamine everything. Any and all Jedi rules would eventually go out the window (he almost mocks them when we next see him in the films), and this would have been a prime time to let loose. He could have had the Jedi equivalent of John Lennon's Lost Weekend.

I’m not just saying that he could have lost his virginity in this period — I’m saying that he lost it, then continued to lose it, again, and again, and again, to make absolutely sure that it was gone. Burying the past, so to speak. If he had followed the old rules for that long, to have been through what he had been through, and then for the cycle to just go and repeat itself again? Yeah, to Malachor with that Jedi celibacy, it’s time for a spree. On his way to Ahch-To, Luke could have visited every galactic sex den there was. We know that he cut himself off from the force soon after the destruction of his temple, so the ghosts wouldn’t have been able to get in his way anymore.

This might seem like the “dark scenario,” but we’re about to get both weirder and worse.

Video of Luke Milking The Thala-Siren For 10 Hours

THE THALA SIREN, OR WHO IS SYLVIA?

Once he was self-exiled on Ahch-To and rejected most of the Jedi teachings, Luke would have been free to lose his virginity as often as he pleased. Sexual partners on that island looked to be somewhat limited, though.

Or were they?

He seemed pretty familiar with that Thala Siren when he took some of it’s milk in The Last Jedi, didn’t he? He seemed to relish the taste of it too, did he not? He’d also gone a little kooky in this period, so maybe, and stay with me here, he got a little personal with that four-teeted creature on the rock?

Yes, this is the section of the article where bestiality is brought up. It’s a good enough subject for Edward Albee, so I’m not gonna pretend like I have the high ground. It’s an option. A gross one, but an option nonetheless.

The other option for sextitutionals while on the island would involve the frog-nun Caretakers, and I don’t know if that’s better or worse. I spoke too soon, actually, because that isn’t the only other option. There’s more.

Video of What Are Midichlorians - The Phantom Menace [1080p HD]

MIDI-CHLORGY

Who knows what a force ghost is truly capable of? Luke might know. Before he cut himself off from the force, what if the force ghost of a long-dead Jedi, who did die a virgin, came to him and astrally projected themselves into Luke’s little hut? What if the force itself had sex with him? What if, and this is a big if, Luke became able to access his own midi-chlorians, and used them for sexual purposes?

With that in mind, he could be having sex with the midi-chlorians every single second that we see him on screen in The Last Jedi. How do you think he got so powerful that he was able to astrally project himself across the galaxy like that? Frequent sex with midi-chlorians.

I think I’ve gone off the deep end here. Honestly, looking at all of this, the first two options up top seem the most likely. I am very curious as to what Master Hamill’s take is, so here’s hoping that he may enlighten us one day. If he never tells us, well then, the midi-chlorgy it is. I regret nothing.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker comes out this December. That sentence was not meant as a double entendre in any way.