The tension mounts… (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

When it comes to self-pleasure, we men are vile scumbags.

That goes without saying, really.

National Masturbation Month: Here’s why mutual masturbation is totally hot

In addition to our own mucky, solo, hand-shandies – frequently executed when you’re asleep next to us I’m afraid, ladies – many (if not most) chaps have tugged the terrapin openly in the company of pals.

All pulled together, you might say. Pooled our resources.


So in the interests of science and grisly curiosity, Metro.co.uk recruited a panel of seasoned onanists to get the lowdown on mass-turbation.

Beware: you’re about to go down a dark, NSFW rabbit hole, dear reader.

Those of you with a nervous disposition, or a tender gag reflex, may want to go and play with some kittens.

Who's on the panel? Ollie, 27

Paul, 28

Rick, 30

Greg, 22

Ted, 27

For those brave souls still with us, our methodology was to identify five distinct varieties of ‘team tug’, outline the rules, and see if our panelists have tried them out, or had any thoughts on how they might get on.



Are you sitting comfortably?

Then we’ll begin.

1. Soggy biscuit

The nation’s most notorious masturbatory pastime: a circle of panting degenerates loom over a table with a biscuit in the centre in order to ejaculate on the, let’s say, ginger nut.

Last to finish scoffs the biscuit, sour frosting and all.

Rick: ‘Surely that’s an urban legend, right?’

Greg: ‘I dunno, seems pretty well known. No choke without fire, right? My question is: why would anyone make something like that up?’

Ollie: ‘It’s real. I played it, once, at school.’

Ted: ‘Posh school?’

Ollie: ‘Absolutely, it was a very posh school. One of the older chaps got hold of some brandy to liven up an evening of cards. Another lad produced a biccie from somewhere – a digestive, I seem to recall – and we all just cracked on.’

Rick: ‘…how did you do?’

Ollie: ‘I won – which is to say, I didn’t lose. There are no winners.’

Paul: ‘Is a digestive the best choice? Of biscuit, I mean.’

Greg: ‘I expect absorbency is a factor. A chocolate coating would certainly help, and perhaps some sort of sweet filling.’

Rick: ‘Jaffa cake then, innit.’

Ollie: ‘Ah, but is it technically a biscuit? The last thing you’d want is some smart arse proving it’s a cake. You’d have to begin again from scratch.’

Rick: ‘God, and round two would take forever.’

2. Spuzzjar

A slow-burner, this one.

Whenever good pals gather to play FIFA or watch telly, and one fancies teasing the tamarind, a communal ‘spuzzjar’ is produced and handed reverently to him.

He retires to the bathroom, does his thing, and ejaculates into said vessel.

Over days and weeks, the jar gradually fills.

When it’s around half full (or half empty, depending on your outlook) the gang sit in a circle and pass it around, each in turn removing the lid and inhaling the putrid stench therein deeply.

First to throw up loses.

Ollie: ‘Wut.’

Paul: ‘Ugh.’

Rick: ‘Classic. I totally had a spuzzjar.’

Greg: ‘I remember your spuzzjar, Rick. What happened to it?’

Rick: ‘Mum knocked it off the bookshelf when she was dusting and it smashed.’

Ted: ‘No wonder your parents broke up.’

Paul: ‘F***s sake, lads.’

Soon (Picture: Getty)

3. Figurines

A 21st-century addition to the team-tug canon, the ‘cumming on figurines’ movement is charmingly reminiscent of postal chess – in that it moves at the stately pace of correspondence.



Guys, usually comic-book aficionados, lovingly spooge over their most prized action figurines, then share photos (or *shudder* videos) over the internet for their handiwork to be critically evaluated by a forum of peers.

Rick: ‘OK, you’ve finally lost me dude.’

Ollie: ‘Just… why?

Greg: ‘I heard about this weird f***er on 4Chan. He kept a My Little Pony figurine in a glass jar, and spent months patiently trying to drown it in cum, one spurt at a time,

Ted: ‘Please stop, mate.’

Greg: ‘It gets worse. He basically succeeded, drowning the sorry quadruped in his w*** juice. Then one day, he absent-mindedly stashed it too close to a radiator…’

Rick: ‘Enough, dude.’

Greg: ‘…and ended up literally broiling the poor Pony – ‘Rainbow Dash’, I believe – in spunk. To the point his jizz actually caramelised, and turned brown.’

Ted: [is forced to leave the room]

4. Jizz Derby

Comparatively vanilla, this one: two or more pugilists beat themselves off, first to finish wins.

Paul: ‘Pretty standard.’

Greg: ‘Yeah, one of my favourite bits about growing up was learning that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and we basically all do it.’

Rick: ‘There’s a whole etiquette around Jizz Derby that I find fascinating. You ideally want to have porn on, so it doesn’t take ages, but you don’t want to see each other.’

Ollie: ‘I remember doing it on the sofa in front of the telly, my mate lying behind the sofa with just his head sticking out. We both had a clear view of the porn, but not each other’s gurning chops. Honestly, it remains to this day the least faffy, most compatible sexual experience of my entire life.’


Rick: ‘Amen to that. We were all winners.’

Probably nothing like this (Picture: Getty)

5. The formal club

Believe it or not, actual masturbation clubs exist for gents to go along and choke the chicken in a friendly, non-competitive and safe setting.

Ollie: [gets his phone out to google this] ‘Well. I’ll be damned.’

Ted: ‘I remember people talking about them back home in Melbourne. It��s cute really; for guys who aren’t necessarily gay, but just like to get off in the company of men.’

Ollie: ‘Just found one near here [in Mile End]. Ha, it says ‘no dress code’.’

Rick: ‘Imagine getting turned away from w***ing club. ‘Sorry sir, we don’t appreciate your kind in here!’’

Paul: ‘I’d give it a miss. My favourite thing about jacking off is I get a bit of peace and quiet for five minutes.’

Ollie: [still reading his phone] ‘It says here it’s only six quid entry, and that includes a drink.’

Paul: ‘That’s not bad for East London. F*** it, where do I sign up?’

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