“I’m so excited, I won’t be able to sleep — so like every other night of the Trump presidency.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“We get to hear live, in-person testimony from government officials about the president’s double-dealing in Ukraine. And to counter that, Trump is planning a bigly reveal of his own. He wrote: ‘I will be releasing the transcript of the first, and therefore, more important phone call with the Ukrainian president.’ His defense has gone from ‘read the transcript’ to ‘no, wait, hold on — read this other transcript because it’s first, and therefore more important.’ His younger son Eric is not going to be happy to hear the first is more important. ” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Mr. President, if you’re claiming the first is the most important of something, there are two additional wives that might disagree with you.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The only way the phone call could be more important than the one we read is if it turns out Trump said, ‘Listen, Zelensky, in a couple of months I’m going to call you, and as a joke, I’m going to try to extort you, O.K.? Keep that between us.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referring to President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine

“Trump originally said he would release the transcript today; now he’s saying it will happen by the end of the week. What is this, a new Kanye album?” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“We already have a transcript. We’ve got testimony from multiple witnesses, we’ve got the whole KFC bucket of crimes; we don’t need the coleslaw, too, O.K.?” — JIMMY KIMMEL