Rachel Maddow: So, what have you all been waiting to say until Martin O’Malley was out of the room?

Clinton: Everything.

Todd: How are you different?

Sanders: WE DIFFER BECAUSE I AM HERE TO RAIN DESTRUCTION UPON THIS CORRUPT SYSTEM WHICH HAS DEVOURED OUR COUNTRY IN ITS HIDEOUS MAW AND ALSO YOUNG PEOPLE LIKE ME SO THAT’S TWO THINGS I GUESS.

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Clinton: We differ because I am not making crazy, wild-eyed promises that I cannot keep. Unless this, in itself, counts as a promise and traps us inside a paradox.

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Todd: What does “progressive” mean to you?

Clinton: Progressive, to me, means me, someone who makes progress. Look at the word. It even has progress in it. And the letter “I.” So, me.

Sanders: Progressive, to me, means someone who endorses Bernie Sanders, and I notice that you have not done that.

Clinton: I spent my life on PROGRESS, Senator. You spent yours on CONGRESS. Yes, I got this joke from an email forward, but it checks out.

Sanders: Ah, but I WAS NEVER ESTABLISHMENT! NO ONE IN CONGRESS LIKES ME AT ALL! I HAVE RECEIVED JUST TWO COLLEAGUE ENDORSEMENTS! Whereas you are the ULTIMATE establishment!

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Clinton: I cannot be the establishment. I am a woman. Notice that “establishment” contains “men” but “women” is in it NOWHERE.

Maddow: Wow, you’re really leaning in to this dictionary thing.

Clinton: Yes. I, as a woman, lean in to things often.

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Sanders: BUT YOU ARE CLEARLY ESTABLISHMENT! YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE FILTHY LUCRE OF THE EVIL BANKS WHOSE SHADOWS SPOIL ALL THEY TOUCH, LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF LIGHT IN THE LION KING

Clinton: It is one thing to complain that Big Money influences the political process in general, but I wish you would stop the artful smear that when people give me large amounts of money, it influences me in any way, shape, or form. (Sorry, donors.) Cash rules nothing around me.

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Audience: CLAPS BOOS NOISES

Sanders: Wait, are you seriously — look, we can agree that money influences the process and the system is broken though, right?

Todd: Secretary Clinton, they say that you are too close to Wall Street.

Clinton: Like, geographically? (laughs nervously) Look, what people forget is that I was there before “Margin Call”, before “The Big Short”. I went roaming down the halls crying out BEWARE! BEWARE! PROTECT THE CONSUMER! like Cassandra and, also like Cassandra, I was a woman whose voice was not heeded. I mentioned that I was a woman, did I not?

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Sanders: We have to take down the system and bust the banks, like Teddy Roosevelt. He was a progressive, I think. I would define him as one.

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Clinton: Oh, you’re the “gatekeeper of progressivism” now?

Maddow: Talk about foreign policy, if you would.

Clinton: Yes, please.

Sanders: No, thanks. (pause) Did you know that I voted against going to war in Iraq in 2002? I did.

Clinton: I just don’t see how that’s relevant now.

Sanders: You did not vote against the war. I think that is the number-one foreign policy issue that faces us today.

Clinton: Seriously? “A vote in 2002 is not a plan to defeat ISIS.”

Sanders: I beg to differ.

Todd: But, like, let’s just for fun ask a specific question about a foreign policy issue. Troops in Afghanistan. How long are they going to be there?

Sanders: What is a troop, when you really get down to it, Chuck? A troop is just one more part of the system. And the system is broken.

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(Hillary repeatedly slams her head against the podium.)

Todd: Are you electable?

Sanders: Sure!

Clinton: So am I, but more so! Henry Kissinger agrees.

Sanders: Definitely spoken like someone who is not from the establishment.

Todd: Well, good, I’m glad we spent time on this question.

Maddow: What about the emails, though?

Clinton: It’s fine. Trust me. It’s fine.

Sanders: I am taking the high road by not talking about Secretary Clinton’s emails. I will not mention the emails. Emails? What emails?

Todd: Death penalty?

Sanders: I just don’t think the government should be involved in killing, Chuck. All other aspects of life, fine. Killing, no. I draw the line at the killing, like AMC viewers in 2014.

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Maddow: Okay, let’s talk about Flint.

Clinton: This is an emergency. This is awful. I am going to go there and replace all the pipes myself if necessary.

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Sanders: It’s unacceptable. I will send the federal government to replace the pipes. I think this highlights the difference between our two campaigns: your plan is that you will literally fix all the things yourself with elbow grease, whereas I will tear down the system with purifying fire and then our government will be born anew and it will be shiny and chrome and fix all the things.

Maddow: Do you have any closing remarks?

Clinton: This was great, wasn’t it? This is just the sort of (twitch) productive conversation about actual issues that I look forward to having many, many more of with you, Sen. Sanders, at least until we start to have votes in states that are not near Vermont. Also, sexism!