In response to mounting criticism for his pharmaceutical practices, Team Imagine’s chairman and self-proclaimed Surgeon General Martin “cerebral” Shkreli has announced the launch of its Universal Healthcare Program for professional Dota 2 players.

Unfortunately, the program’s launch has been marred by the “entirely unintentional” misunderstanding that it is a true universal healthcare program, and not, in actuality, a healthcare program sponsored by film distributor Universal Studios.

Nearly all Dota 2 progamers have signed up for the program and were contractually obliged to comment:

“I like to play my games Fast and Furious, so when my wrist started to give me trouble I went straight to the hospital,” said Artour ‘Arteezy’ Babaev. “It reminded me of my favorite NBCUniversal medical dramas, E.R. and House.”

“Universal Healthcare has allowed me to dual-use my Monster in-game tag,” Jonathan ‘Loda’ Berg added. “Now it stands for an extremely amazing and healthy energy drink as well as an American fashion doll franchise. Check out the Universal Pictures film Monster High set to release fall 2016.’”

The Universal Healthcare system seeks to ensure that Dota 2 pros are “patched up,” just like the client itself. To this end, the following policies will also be made mandatory for organizations employing professional Dota 2 players:

1. To better understand their physiology and to develop better eSport targeted drugs, professional Dota 2 players be subject to genetic testing and cloning pioneered by Universal Pictures summer blockbuster Jurassic World.

2. Teams will now be required to assist players in the replacement or augmentation of their failing limbs with powerful new bionics. On retirement, players will return their limbs to the teams responsible for their purchase as in Universal’s 2010 cult classic Repo Men, available now on DVD and Blu-Ray.

3. All Dota 2 teams will be provided free sexual health pamphlets, consent contracts, and BDSM peripherals courtesy of Universal Pictures upcoming erotic romance thriller Fifty Shades Darker, the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey and allegorical dramatization of Team Secret’s TI5 run.

In unrelated news, sources say Turing CEO Martin Shkreli has acquired the patent for the ubiquitous Dota 2 flore known colloquially as “tangoes.” As of 6.85, tangoes will be rebranded to “tRegen+” and will see an appropriate price adjustment to reflect the changing landscape of the Dota 2 market.

Ironically, the only Dota 2 player who elected to not sign up for the program, Universe, already had health care from his Twitter sponsor, Walt Disney Studios.





