So George Clooney married an intelligent, established, worldly beauty who speaks three languages and has two law degrees and a diploma from Oxford. A woman of substance. A woman to get serious with. A woman at least as intellectual and accomplished as George Clooney.

In other words, George: What a letdown. We’re talking a disappointment of “Monuments Men” proportions.

Contrast Clooney with the last true Hollywood swinger: Leonardo DiCaprio. New Year’s break. On St. Barts. With a truckload of what seem to be bikini models, none of whom appears likely to be burdened by a background clerking for the International Court of Justice, a stint as special adviser to Kofi Annan or any other such details that might bring on that tiring feeling that you’re not quite holding up your end of the conversation.

No, Leo D, you most definitely did not spend winter break campaigning for the return of the Elgin Marbles to Greece. Having dumped model Toni Garrn, you celebrated manly freedom in board shorts, swilling beer and munching sandwiches, letting your belly hang out, vaping.

Fellow dudes kept a respectful distance, looking nonchalant and being available to play Grand Theft Auto V.

This is how it is, in the jungle, on the savannah. Guys are all right for some things, but they’re also a depressing reminder of competition.

Exactly the kind of competition you don’t have to deal with, now that you’re Lord of the Landscape.

The girls, though: They were right there, hot-and-cold-running hotties in tight formation, wearing just a stitch more clothing than they were born in.

Close enough for you to smell their perfume and arranging themselves so that at least five were within the Emperor’s reach at all times. Love the way they all look so chill, like, “Yeah, I totally belong.” With a guy who’s worth $220 million. You’re Leo the Lion, they’re your pride.

The whole time you had your giant $400,000-a-week yacht sitting there like a taxi. You snap your fingers, they send three more girls out in a lifeboat.

Later, you took the girls into town for a little swimsuit shopping. (And I do mean little.) Yeah, daddy.

What’s great about you, Leo, is you didn’t feel that nagging Clooney need to live up to your legend. No Armani suits for you. No comb, either. Just shaggy hair tied in a man-bun, caveman beard, loose-fitting shirt.

Bro: Forget that gray-haired p-whipped traitor and his airy-fairy human rights stuff. You are now my idol. If there were any conversation chez you over New Year’s, it was, “Is this a twist-off?”

The finger-waggers call this decadence. I call it awesomeness.

You spent your 40th birthday in November at Soho House in West Hollywood surrounded by editors from the London Review of Books, activists from Human Rights Watch and campaigners from the UN Committee on the Rights of the Child — not!

It was a three-day blowout composed, one observer said, of “80 percent models,” plus Russell Simmons, Robin Thicke, Tyrese and Adam Levine.

You’re the one man who continues to set the standard for the band of bros once dubbed the P—y Posse. (P.P. charter member Tobey Maguire? Married with two kids. Loser.)

Even David Blaine couldn’t magic his way out of becoming a daddy (though he broke up with his fiancée). Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling have settled down. Johnny Depp got out of one long-term relationship (with Vanessa Paradis) and immediately got tied up in another, with Amber Heard.

Not you, Mr. D. It’s as true today as it was when you said it in that chick-magnet movie in 1997: Leo, you’re King of the World.

Vaping the night away

What’s he smoking?

The device in Leo’s hand appears to be an iTaste MVP, a popular brand of nicotine vaporizer. It sells for about $50 in stores and is typically filled with flavored nicotine liquid (not the more, ahem, recreational substances used in some vapes).

He’s upgraded from the smaller e-cigs he’s been spotted puffing on in public: The iTaste packs a bigger nicotine punch than cigarette-look-alike brands, with a fancy digital counter to track the number of puffs and a USB port that allows you to charge it through a phone. No word on what his preferred e-liquid flavor is, though.

— Tim Donnelly