You are romantically involved with someone (but not really). You're having a casual conversation (but not completely). And then semisuddenly, the query is posed: "Are we dating, or are we just hooking up?"

This is the core issue of every unclear relationship, and it's a question that has no correct answer. If you say you're "dating," pressure is placed upon both parties, and a degree of exclusivity is implied. If you claim you're "just hooking up," you are a terrible person by default; the inclusion of the word just will shatter a heart, and someone who is not you will soon be crying. So how does one answer this question? Is there any response that works?

Yes.

"Well," you say, "I think we're having a long, intimate party."

This response is perfect. The use of the word long indicates the potential for growth. The word intimate simultaneously suggests privacy and sensuality. And the word party makes everything seem playful, creative, and, most important, vague. Moreover, this sounds like the kind of thing Mick Jagger would have said to Twiggy in 1978 had they collided in the coke room at Studio 54. In a sense, we're all just having a "long, intimate party," are we not? Everybody wins.

Chuck Klosterman is the author of many fine books, including Chuck Klosterman IV which is available at your local bookstore or online, at BarnesAndNoble.com.

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