The last time I encountered wax toilet paper was probably 20 years ago and I ain’t never going back, you hear me…I ain’t never going back.

What was that you said? I said I’m never going back!

For some reason known only to the powers that be, to stop people nicking toilet paper from public toilets years ago councils/governments/the system/big-bosses/whoever the fuck it was, ‘They’, decided to stock wax toilet paper. Not only that but to make doubly sure that the idea of doing a runner with a fistful of wax was a no-goer so as to save the public at large a fist-full of moolah, they also used / invented that paper roll restricting plastic piece of shit thing so that to get a decent length of any sort of paper you basically have to keep tugging and tearing off postage stamp sized pieces of paper for about 15 minutes until you have just enough for a tentative swipe. And with that furtive glancing blow off the cheeks, it starts all over again!

The last time I encountered the wax, I had to laugh to myself as I realised I had spent 5 minutes seriously considering using my hand as an alternative.

The fiendishly clever powers that be, had created the ultimate deterrent.

It isn’t ‘fit for purpose’ to coin a recurringly annoying phrase. Wax toilet paper doesn’t fucken work ! How in the hell is wax absorbent? Like war, it is wiping, without end. So there’s zero chance of the paper going missing and the use of the stuff ‘in-house’ must be freaking low.

In achieving their objective, they actually created something that bore no resemblance at all to the purpose for which it was intended. That’s the mean bit. They could have left a bucket and spade or a rake in there and that would have been just as practical.

You’d think they would have stopped there. They’d won. Nicking the stuff never enters into even the most hard-core of crims. But then you add the perforated postage stamp thing in the mix to actually dole out the wax toilet paper and you realise that these really are heartless bastards ! They’d done their job, but they went that little bit further just to show you who’s really the boss when it counts. Who’s your daddy now.

I can’t remember how exactly I dealt with the wax situation. I may have cut my losses and left my underwear behind, like so many thousands of others did. We lost our underwear but they got to keep their precious wax toilet paper.

However for all their fiendish cleverness, you don’t see wax toilet paper these days. Maybe they got caught short themselves and realised they’d gone a bit too far, or else generational knowledge caught up with the inhumane practice.

Having said that though the perforated postage stamp dispenser thing lives on, inflicting misery. They also added the key lock thing so you can’t jimmy it open to get a decent fucken length of paper to finish the job with. You bastards !