The poster for Michael Flatley’s new film Blackbird arrived yesterday like a gift from heaven itself. Michael Flatley? Lord of the Dance? A film? Could any of this possibly be true?

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Reader, it is. Subsequent digging has revealed that Michael Flatley isn’t just starring in Blackbird, but he also wrote it. And directed it. He apparently financed it himself too. This can only really mean one thing; either Michael Flatley possesses such a lock-tight vision for Blackbird that he’s entrusting it to nobody but him, or this is going to end up usurping Battlefield Earth as history’s most sphincter-tightening vanity project. So far we don’t have much to go on, so let’s break down what we do know.



The plot According to IMDb, “Troubled secret agent ‘Blackbird’ abruptly retires from service and opens a luxurious nightclub in the Caribbean to escape the dark shadows of his past. An old flame arrives and reignites love in his life but she brings danger with her.” Which means it’s Casablanca. Which means Michael Flatley watched the greatest film ever made – a masterclass of writing, setting and performance – and thought: “You know what? I can do better than this”. Hand on heart, wild horses couldn’t stop me from watching Blackbird when it comes out.

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The cast This is the first sign of trouble. Alongside Flatley, Blackbird stars nobody of particular note. Patrick Bergin is best known for playing the man who invented virtual reality in Lawnmower Man 2, Ian Beattie played some chaff in Game of Thrones and Lara Lemon was once in a film called Angry Nazi Zombies. “But what about Eric Roberts?” you’re asking. “His presence in Blackbird is surely a sign of quality, right?” Not really. Since 2015, Eric Roberts has starred in 209 different productions, so his sense of quality control might not be all that wonderful; especially when you realise that some of those projects had names like Cowboys v Dinosaurs, Stalked by My Doctor, Get Naked and Pups Alone: A Christmas Peril.

The poster This is slightly more reassuring, because there are two Blackbird posters and they both actually work. One has a central diamond motif, which helps to guide the viewer’s eye down to the image of Flatley simultaneously firing a gun and straining for a poo. The other is a composite image of Michael Flatley, three old men, a big explosion and three sexy girls so central to the plot that nobody actually bothers to name them. But both serve the same basic purpose. They both tell you that this film stars Michael Flatley and the man from A Talking Cat!?! Both contain the tagline “Some things are still worth dying for” which means that Michael Flatley definitely dies at the end and, if you look at the small print at the bottom, both contain the words “Michael Flatley” so many times that the whole thing starts to feel like the project of a particularly deranged Riverdance fan. All in all, 10/10!

The production If you follow Michael Flatley on Instagram – and, by the way, you should follow Michael Flatley on Instagram – then you’ll know two things about him. First, the man loves a fedora more than anybody since George Galloway. Second, he had an absolute blast making Blackbird. There are photos of him laughing at Blackbird rushes, photos of him laughing on camera and photos of him gratuitously thanking Chinese film financiers. If even a tenth of this joy is reflected in the finished film, then Blackbird won’t be nearly as awful as everyone expects.

The experience OK, so Michael Flatley has never written a film before, or directed a film before, and his only real non-dancing experience of acting happened in a single short film released this year. But you know what? Once upon a time Kevin Costner had never written or directed or acted either, and he ended up making The Postman. We’re rooting for you, Michael.