As Latter-day Saints around the world, we are a diverse people with a rainbow of cultural heritages and a medley of languages. One universal language we as Saints all speak, is that of love.

As our community finds itself hurting after the recent news of church discipline involving some of our own, we take great comfort in the words and instructions of our leaders. They thoughtfully and prayerfully handed down instruction and guidance through the dulcet voice of Senior Manager of Public Affairs spokesperson, Ally Isom in her recent interview with Utah’s Doug Fabrizio.

We learned some critical and important things that will protect future heartaches (or perhaps, learning opportunities) from happening. We found out in Ally’s interview that we shouldn’t misrepresent what is happening to our friends, and that they are in fact blessed and lucky to have such a beautiful opportunity. After all, Church “Discipline,” takes its root from the word “Disciple.”

Now that it’s been pointed out, the words are so close to one another, it’s rather difficult to disentangle them. It’s as if serving Christ is the same thing as being punished by him. And that is an incredibly beautiful blessing! It reminds me of that lovely, tingly feeling you get after being spanked as a child. It’s not a sting, it’s God’s love manifesting itself through your nerve system. What a glorious feeling to be alive and to feel God’s love in all His mysterious ways.

The important thing we learned from this interview is,

“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

So true and such a blessed relief! I have a lot of things I want to say to people that would seem cruel or unkind, but thanks to the guidance of my Church, I’ve learned content isn’t nearly as important as delivery. In the interview Ally says, (at 17:11)

“The conversation is not the problem. It is not what is being said, it is how it is being said that becomes problematic. It is really the spirit of one’s intent, and one’s heart that is the challenge.”

This can be challenging. For example, my intention for this blog post is to help love, honor and defend my friends that are hurting and because I feel so directly affected by this, so it is super important I don’t use anger or cruelty to express that. My tone matters and so does my intent. Just because some of them risk being cut off from their eternal families and salvation, community shunning, public scrutiny and imbalances of power, shouldn’t mean that I get to be rude about it.

This is why I asked Jerilyn to create me an invitation to my friends. As Ally said, excommunication is not exclusion. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s an invitation.

“Participation remains essential…. they have not been booted out of the congregation. The process of discipline….. is done in love. ………This can be a beautiful, a meaningful turning point in someone’s life. It’s meant to be a loving invitation.”

So my darling, brave and courageous friends, I’d like to give you a loving invitation to have the opportunity to learn! Threats of excommunication might sound scary, but they aren’t. They are Courts of Love, which are like fertilizers for personal growth! What could be more loving than to be surrounded by a group of untrained, lay man-neighbors, all deciding on your level of heresy? It’s like a batch of funeral potatoes just out of the oven- they smell delicious and they burn going all the way down.

And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you John Dehlin. Your Stake President’s words might sound ominous, but I have fixed that for you to reflect his intent: Ally is right. Usually this letter would just be fit for the NY Times or the Tribune. Now it’s fit for Sugardoodle too. Tone really changes things and gives it a broader audience. Tone is like the potpourri you put in the bathroom; It’s still a place you excrete your waste, but at least it smells like vanilla and cranberries while you do it. It’s the smell the Savior would have wanted.

(at 20:30) Doug Fabizrio: “So the tone is important?” Ally Isom: “Very much so.” (at 30: 28) “Church leaders are not asking people not to blog….. it’s not what you’re saying, it’s how you’re saying it….. ask the right questions…. but let’s do it in the right tone and the right spirit.” (at 40:14) “Isn’t that the beauty in all of this…”

Yes, it is so, so beautiful. We were encouraged to ask hard questions in our Relief Society classes. Remember Sisters, it’s not what you ask, it’s how you ask. Here’s a simple style guide:

You see, it’s not the cruelty or violence of an action, the fallout or consequences or pain that is important. It’s our sincere desire to do it out of love that matters. If we can mask cruelty with sweetness, then we are following the example Ally set out for us in her interview. Even better if we sincerely think we are acting in God’s name to do “harm” to someone else. History wouldn’t be nearly as interesting if not for that! One person’s “harm” is another person’s “blessing.”

And if we need anymore examples of how to do this, let’s look to the scriptures and the example of our Savior as a final reminder about how tone matters. Luke 22:48