Ah yes, the first week of January: the time of year during which the internet collectively makes unrealistic resolutions (totally running a marathon this year) and freaks out about Beyoncé's headlining spot at Coachella (definitely not getting canceled this year). Here at Noisey, as we're stretching our blog fingers after stuffing ourselves over the holidays, we've continued our annual tradition of taking 20 minutes to review the Coachella lineup (which is pretty good!). Let's get to it.

6LACK

Dude doesn’t even know how to spell.

A Perfect Circle

Buncha squares, singing about fractals.

AC Slater

Saved By the Bell is still going on?

Alan Walker

Nice to see country music is making an appearance at Coachella this year.

Alina Baraz

Honestly have no idea what this is.

Alison Wonderland

Something something Johnny Depp.

alt-J

*mumbling about triangles* Alvvays

Good band, dumb name.

Aminé

Y’all like Akira? Dragon Ball Z? Neo Yokio?

Angel Olsen

Sephora with a guitar.

AURORA

Illinois!

Avalon Emerson

Toyota is sponsoring this stage.

B Boys

For people who like to ruin parties by breakdancing.

Bane’s World

Christopher Nolan influence is getting out of hand.

Barclay Crenshaw

I love him in Sherlock!

Bedouin

...Soundclash?

Belly

Stomach.

Benjamin Booker

Ben is good.

Benjamin Clementine

Talented, but unfortunately can’t measure up to his archnemesis Benjamin Tangerine.

Beyoncé

Better show up on stage with the twins.

Big Thief

Well that’s better than Large Burglar.

Black Coffee

Drake’s gonna be front row.

blackbear

Good Black Mirror episode.

Bleachers

ANOTHER Taylor Swift album?

Boogarins

The next evolution in cooties

BØRNS

BØRED.

BROCKHAMPTON

Sounds like a New England private school.

Buscabulla

Say this three times in a mirror and Steve Buscemi will appear.

Busy P

Take a break!

Cardi B

Another cover story?

Carpenter Brut

Damn didn't know Bon Iver had a fragrance.

Cash Cash

Ca$h Ca$h. There, fixed it for you.

Cherry Glazerr

LA is cool I guess.

Chic feat. Nile Rodgers

Daft Punk really made this guy’s career blow up, eh?

Chloe x Halle

A Disney Channel Original Movie.

Chris Liebing

This guy would definitely explain bitcoin to me.

Chromeo

Is this guy still wearing sunglasses?

Cuco

Daniel Caesar

I love Frank Ocean!

David Byrne

Big fan of daddy new wave.

Declan McKenna

Sounds like a pretty cool car.

DeJ Loaf

Why is the ‘J’ capitalized?

Deorro

i keep wanting to write diarrhea

Detroit Love (Carl Craig, Kyle Hall, Moodymann)

Damn.

Django Django

Like cous cous, flavorless.

Dreams

THUNDER ONLY HAPPENS WHEN IT'S RAINING

Ekali

Underrated dragon on Game of Thrones.

Elohim

Overrated dragon on Game of Thrones.

Eminem

Can’t wait to have a bunch of slurs yelled at us on the Lord’s day.

Fazerdaze

*listens to Loveless once*

FIDLAR

Fuck, I Don’t Like Alt-Rock.

First Aid Kit

An essential component of any outdoors experience.

Flatbush Zombies

Time to get in an argument about real hip-hop with the nearest 17-year-old.

Fleet Foxes

Father John Misty: “They’re a bit pretentious for me.”

French Montana

#bodegahive

Giraffage

Great Pokémon!

Greta Van Fleet

Loved Lady Bird.

HAIM

Still playing that first album, huh.

Hannah Wants

While Tom Waits

Hayley Kiyoko

Maybe we can get guest appearances from the rest of the cast of CSI: Cyber.

Helado Negro

No jokes, Helado rules.

Highly Suspect

You said it, not me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

HITO

Marijuana is now legal in the state of California.

Hundred Waters

Needs to be at least 90-less waters

Ibeyi

Oui!

Illenium

A secret Will Smith set, most likely. DO NOT MISS.

Jackmaster

That’s what they called me in high school, baby!

Jacob Banks

Agent Cody was on a mission.

Jamie Jones

::: extremely Arnold Schwarzenegger voice ::: JAYMIEH

Jamiroquai

Who let the giant hat in again

Japanese Breakfast

Nothing but respect for my president.

Jason Bentley

Second division English football-ass name, that

Jean-Michel Jarre

Probably just Father John Misty in a beret.

Jessie Ware

Still don’t quite get this one.

Jidenna

#jidennahive

John Maus

Not a real maus.

Jorja Smith

Drake’s also gonna be front row here.

Joseph Capriati

Is this the guy from Handmaid’s Tale?

Jungle

Funky!

Justin Martin

Livin’ la vida loca!

Kali Uchis

Obviously playing Coachella.

Kamaiyah

Nothing bad to say here, really.

Kamasi Washington

Loved this guy at Eurovision.

Kelela

“Tired, but we go ALL NIGHT!”

King Krule

Oy, innit.

KITTENS

… Inspired by Kittens

Knox Fortune

We have no jokes about Knox.

Kölsch

I’m more into sours.

Kygo

More like… No Go!

LANY

Coastal elites.

LÉON

From 1296 to 1301, the Kingdom of León was again independent and after the reunion with Castile remained a Crown until 1833, but as part of a united Spain from 1479. In the Royal Decree of 30 November 1833, the Kingdom of León was considered one of the Spanish regions and divided into the provinces of León, Zamora and Salamanca. In 1978, these three provinces of the region of León were included along with six provinces of the historic region of Old Castile to create the autonomous community of Castile and León.

LION BABE

Went to NYU.

Los Ángeles Azules

We’re doing sports this year, too? Cool!

Louis the Child

Asks older kids to buy him beer

LP

Was hoping for a Run the Jewels set but this will do.

Maceo Plex

Mac DeMarco’s house.

MAGIC GIANT

No disrespect but isn’t this a bit of an oxymoron?

Marian Hill

Lauryn Hill was booked :(

MHD

Sophisticated

Michael Mayer

Loved him in Austin Powers

Migos

Definitely sold out.

Miguel

Might have sex with thin air

Mild High Club

Uh oh, one of our jokes gained sentience and formed a band.

MØ

It’s pronounced MEURGH and don’t you forget that.

Moon Boots

Bon mots

Moses Sumney

This dude is gonna part a sea during his set and it’s gonna be lit.

Motor City Drum Ensemble

Don’t let the name fool you, this is one man from Germany.

Noname

No joke then

Nothing But Thieves

Will make this year’s fest into #kleptochella if they do a B2B with Big Thief.

ODESZA

Still going.

Oh Sees

Like the letters, but words. Smart.

Omar-S

One Omar seems like quite enough.

Otoboke Beaver

Orinoco Flow

Pachanga Boys

I am not invested in Festival Culture but I feel it is built for acts like this.

Party Favor

Starting now, get 50 percent off all Halloween and Christmas related items!

Peggy Gou

Great in Mad Men.

Perfume Genius

Good Twitter.

Petit Biscuit

Only biscuit we acknowledge is cheddar bay.

Portugal. The Man

These guys sent us a cake once and it was pretty good.

Post Malone

Most Palone

Priests

God is dead but buzz bands aren’t.

Princess Nokia

The Razr was much cooler, honestly.

PVRIS

No Nicole? Well, at least that DJ career is taking off, so good for her.

REZZ

That cousin of Russ who likes EDM

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever

Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying.

Ron Gallo

Extra from That 70s Show

Russ

Buddy...

San Holo

Not so sure about what you’re doing with these Star Wars Stories, Lucasfilm.

Señor Kino

Clearly superior to Señor Criterion Collection.

Sigrid

Sigrid Thornton also starred in ‘Inspector Gadget 2’

Sir Sly

And the family stone?

Skip Marley

Or give him a chance?

Slow Magic

" Don't Kill the Magic is a series of fantasy novels written by British author J. K. Rowling. The main story arc concerns Slow Magic's struggle against Magic! a Canadian reggae fusion band based in Toronto who intends to become immortal and overthrow the wizard governing body known as the Ministry of Magic."

Snail Mail

You still use AOL?

Snakehips

SPACESHIPS WERE MEANT TO FLLLLLYYYYYYY

Soulwax

wubwubwubwubwubBRRRRRRRRUMUMUMUMUMUMUMUM

St. Vincent

Still waiting on that reunion tour with The Grenadines.

Sudan Archives

Print is dead.

SuperDuperKyle

Theater dork, sorry.

SZA

Needs bigger font on the flyer.

Talaboman

Have you guys ever read The Name of the Wind?

Tank and the Bangas

Thomas and the Banga Engine

Tash Sultana

Use a napkin

The Black Madonna

So, Rihanna?

The Blaze

Those wildfires are no joke, guys.

The Bronx

Damn Desus and Mero had a hell of a year, huh?

The Buttertones

Better than the Margarinetones.

The Delirians

And the City of a Thousand Bands.

The Drums

Sadly, also featuring other instruments.

The Marías

West Side Story cover band.

The Neighbourhood

Genrification

The Regrettes

THEESatisfaction

The War on Drugs

Trickle-down economics were apparently already booked up.

The Weeknd

Coke anthems for the children.

THEY.

WHOM?

MIKE JONES!

Tom Misch

From the creators of Fabolous and Ludacris comes, Mischellaneous

TroyBoi

Boy.

Tyler, the Creator

Has a show on VICELAND.

Vance Joy

Remember 2013?

Vince Staples

Wish he had a show on VICELAND.

Westside Gunn + Conway

Didn’t know that Bon Iver’s fragrance had a tribute band

Whethan

Sounds like a personally conflicted strain of wheat.

Wizkid

Like those Calvin and Hobbes bumper stickers?

X Japan

The best-selling sequel to W Japan.

Yaeji

Should’ve been higher on Noisey’s 2017 year end list.