(i fixed the music upload so it’s the whole song now

and not just an infernal cocktease)

Man what the fuck Beowulf

this guy

this guy we are about to be talking about

is one of the few legendary heroes

who actually has sufficient ball mass

to back up all the guff he is dishing out

faster than free samples outside a fucking smoothie joint

(see also: hercules)

let me show you what I mean

so our story begins with this dude Hrothgar

shitting his pants over this unkillable monster named Grendel

(actually it begins with the lineage of Hrothgar

but raise your hand if you give a shit)

so Grendel is a descendant of Cain apparently

you know

the vegetarian dipshit who killed his brother

and the OTHER thing Grendel is

is he is the ultimate party-crasher

see at the start of this story

basically what Grendel is doing

is every night

when Hrothgar settles down to have himself a sweet party

in his meadhall

Grendel comes charging out of the swamp

humps the door down

and proceeds to play cockhockey with the internal organs

of all the people who are trying to get their booze on

he does this FOR TWELVE YEARS

there are several shocking things about this

one is that these are twelve years of solid murder we are talking about

but more importantly

where do they keep getting dudes

to come to these parties

after say

the first SIX YEARS of unstoppable death

you would think word would get around

like hey

party at Hrothgar’s crib tonight

are you coming

nah man I hear THERE IS A MONSTER THERE WHO MURDERS EVERYONE

but perhaps most bizarre

is the fact that Hrothgar CONTINUES to party throughout these 12 years

this is clearly a man who is committed to partying

i mean think about it

TWELVE YEARS

that’s twice as long as WORLD WAR TWO

and yet every night

Hrothgar mops the blood off his floor

invites all the friends who survived the last massacre

and does that shit all over again

AND HE NEVER RUNS OUT OF MEAD

So this shit has been going on for A WHILE by time Beowulf shows up

with all his men and his sword and shit

basically because he heard there was something suicidally dangerous he could do

and i guess he was bored of punching mountains in the face

and eating swords and fire and shitting shrapnel

so after scaring the shit out of the coastguard

Beowulf busts into Hrothgar’s meadhall

like HEY I HEARD YOU HAVE MONSTERS

WELL ACTUALLY JUST ONE MONSTER

THAT’S NOT THAT MANY MONSTERS

I’LL TELL YOU WHAT

TO EVEN IT OUT

HOW ABOUT I DO IT NAKED

USING ONLY MY FISTS

I’M BEOWULF MOTHERFUCKER

HOO HAH

and Hrothgar is like well alright

but you know

you are not the first person to have this idea

shit has been going on for TWELVE YEARS

I cannot emphasize this enough

and beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLD

AND WHEN I COUGH

KILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTH

I’M BEOWULF

DO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOU

I HOPE NOT

BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

and Hrothgar is like

well shit

let’s party

so these guys party

they party HARD

and in the middle of this hard hard party

some dipshit named Unferth is like hey beowulf

I heard you lost a swimming contest against this dude Breca

looks like your ass is not as bad as you would have us believe

and Beowulf

well Beowulf is so fucking pissed off about this

he stops talking in allcaps for a little while

he is like look asshole

first of all

at that point in the competition

we had each been swimming for FIVE DAYS

that is five as in high five

and days as in who the fuck do you know who can swim for five days straight

and i was about to win too

except at that very moment

I got attacked by a fucking SEA SERPENT

so i killed it

OBVIOUSLY

and then i was like shit

well i’m already underwater here

might as well murder eight more seamonsters

and by the time i was done with that the race was pretty much over

so I just passed out and washed ashore somewhere in finland

that is what happened

so you can just go ahead

and spend the next fifteen years of your life

inserting incrementally larger wooden cocks into your mouth

in order to prepare you for the incredible honor

of choking to death on the solid gold tree trunk

that is tasked with holding up my NINE ENORMOUS TESTICLES

so Unferth shuts up after that

then the party kind of starts to wind down

so beowulf just goes ahead and strips naked

in the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possible

which actually he fails to do

because it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anyway

so naked fisticuffs are optimal

(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows up

makes a big show of ripping the doors off

which actually begs the question

do they replace the doors every day?

or does Grendel replace the doors every day

just so he will have something to rip off at night?

either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf’s men

while Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEE

INTERESTING

but finally Grendel gets around to actually attacking beowulf

except when he reaches down to grab him

beowulf just grabs his arm instead

with a vicegrip honed by DECADES OF FURIOUS MASTURBATION

and it is at this point that Grendel realizes he is in way over his head

so Grendel immediately starts trying to get the fuck out of there

and Beowulf responds by climbing on top of him

steering him into every breakable object in the room

and then tearing off his arm with his bare hands

this is what we call a decisive victory

but of course after that

since Beowulf was basically just holding onto Grendel by his arm

Grendel gets away

and Beowulf is left to bitch about not murdering him outright

while basically getting fellated by the entire Danish party crew

but only figuratively

because actually what everyone is doing

is riding around on horses and yelling a lot

this is what you do when you are excited in ancient Denmark

we have not come very far since ancient times

so that’s part one of three

hold on to your arms

because part two promises to RIP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU

NOT THE END AT ALL