Share 0 SHARES

COAL which vaporizes into a heat-less, smokeless plume is to be enforced across the country from January 1st, 2020 and will come in a variety of fruity fragrances, WWN has learned.

The new fuel is expected to bring Ireland’s carbon emissions in line with its European counterparts while also curtailing the number of fire related deaths year on year.

“The coal will literally just vaporize into nothing the second you light it,” explained Minister for Communications, Climate Action and Environment Richard Bruton, “no more need for chimneys to be cleaned, disposing of ashes, fire lighters, fire guards; this amazing substance literally just evaporates into nothing and all for just €30 per 20kg bag”.

The introduction of the compulsory new fuel is also expected to bring down the numbers of pensioners currently claiming state pensions, saving the country tens of millions of euros.

“Well, they’ll all freeze to death and the best thing is it frees up thousands of homes across Ireland,” the Minister added with a straight face.

The new coal will come in 7 different fragrances from apple to mango, leaving towns and cities across the country with a beautiful aroma.

“There’s plenty of shitholes we’ve been neglecting over the years that need a good freshening up,” Mr. Bruton concluded.