Pictured above: Nancy Labuick, Brad Dumont, Norman Fell and Russ Del Luca

Last year the Spudonka Town Players put on the tremendously successful ‘Three’s Company Christmas’ and we are determined to bring it back again this year! A large part of it’s success was due to the reprisal of the role of loveable curmudgeon Mr. Roper, played by the talented Norman Fell! It was my pleasure to direct the show again this year and conduct an interview with Norman during dress rehearsal:

Devan Mchlachlin (DM) It’s a pleasure to have you back in beautiful Spudonka County again this year, Norman.

Norman Fell (NF) Is it? If you say so.

DM: I mean specifically, working with you on another successful year of ‘A Very Three’s Company Christmas.’

NF: …..

DM Did you ever imagine you’d be reprising the role of the much beloved character, ‘Mr. Roper?’

NF: Yeah, well that’s every actors dream. To sporadically reappear in the same role for forty years. Like when Brando debuted as a kid in that dish detergent commercial. He was talking about it on his big, fat deathbed.

DM: Really?

NF: No.

DM: What have you been up to since leaving the world of television?

NF: Well, after our spin-off series, ‘The Ropers’ flopped, that weasel, Don Knotts, squeezed us out of our fall-back plan. I went through a real rough time and just gave up acting altogether. In that time, I went back to my one true passion; writing.

DM: Really? Have you written anything I may have seen.

NF: No. For the last thirty-odd years I’ve been working on a Three’s Company reboot that takes place in present day. If I can’t sell it in the next three years, I’m gonna give it up all-together.

DM: Tell me about it.

NF: The series starts after Jack moves out to live with his wife, Vicky. Janet, Chrissy and Cindy Snow, end up living together and they all get addicted to blow. So much so, they run into major financial troubles. Janet ends up getting kidnapped and murdered by the Columbian Cartel. Throughout the first season they get the odd piece of mail with some of her hair, a finger, maybe part of her ear mailed to them.

DM: Uh-huh…

NF: The two women are nearly destitute and that’s when they come knocking on my little door…then things get real sexy.

DM: …and your wife, Helen?

NF: Well, that was easy, I just smothered her in her sleep with a pillow. Later it turns out she was dying of some debilitating disease anyway, so no harm, no foul.

DM. I don’t think….

NF: So, the ladies and I make an ‘arrangement.’

DM: An ‘arrangement?’

NF: They move in with me, I cover their rent, supply their narcotics and they satisfy me sexually. There’s even a cameo by Richard Kline in his former role as Larry Dallas.

DM: What happens to him?

NF: Well he was always sniffing around the ladies, so I fix him real good. I paid the landscapers almost four hundred dollars to do him in. There’s a funny scene where they mail me his head in a shoe box to prove they did the deed.

DM: …and Jack Tripper? What terrible fate befell him?

NF: Nothing. He’s turned out totally fine.

DM: Oh, thank gawd!

NF: At first.

DF: Oh, no….

NF: See he and Mr. Angelino become restaurant moguls, he had two lovely children and moved to the suburbs.

DM: Okay, so far, sounds good. Then what?

NF: Jack was mortgaged to the nuts and after the subprime housing bubble burst in 2007, they lost everything. It all comes to a head after a shoot out with police. He ends up hanging himself in front of his kids.

DM: I think I’m going to be sick….

NF: You think that’s bad, you should hear what happens to Philippe, Jacks former sous chef…

DM: No, please don’t, I beg you! That’s all just soo’ horrible! How could any reasonable human being think this is comedy?!?

NF: Comedy?

DM: Can you tell me a little about the ‘behind the scenes’ life on the ‘Three’s Company’ set?

NL: Look, kid, I know you heard all that crazy, dramatic stuff about arguing and backstabbing and what-not, but most of it was really boring. Each day I would begin eating some takeout from Carl’s Junior in my ’72 ‘Stang. I’d set my watch to the minute so I could run right on the set and sit in my chair. I really didn’t have to do much, just sit in a recliner and mug for the camera. In-between takes you would find me stuffing my face at the craft services table so no one would talk to me. I’d just point to my stuffed yap and mumble, ‘Can’t talk, mouth full.’ Then I’d run back to my Mustang and blare some Foghat until it was time to go home.

DM: Well, we really are looking forward to another Three’s Company Christmas this year.

NF: Uh, are we still Doin’ that?

DM: Oh Norman, you’re hilarious!