My Favorite Client’s Crime Spree

I have a repeat client who has over the years allowed me to represent her in a number of legal matters. On a few occasions, we have had to go to court. Here we go again.

Tomorrow we have a pre-trial conference on some serious criminal charges — multiple parking citations. A crime spree!

Not everyone can justify hiring a lawyer for parking tickets, or even speeding tickets, but this client can afford it. She simply asks her husband, me, to “take care of it.” So I do my best to take care of it.

The city employees in the parking department are used to having people come up to the window to simply pay for parking tickets. To them, it seems cut and dried. They are surprised to have someone request a trial.

We don’t have parking meters in our town. A tattletale goes around to chalk tires and record times. If a vehicle has been in the same spot for two hours, the tattletale issues a citation and puts it under the windshield wipers of the offending vehicle.

Rather than say “uncle” and pay up, my wife tells me of the injustice and I enter a plea of not guilty and set the matter for trial. If the tattletale does not show up, we win. If he does, then he will wish he did not. He will be forced to prove his case under withering cross-examination about how he does his job and whether he did it correctly concerning my client and how he knows his watch is accurate, etc. Was he under the influence of any alcohol or drug?

Well, it is worth a try.

And if I win, I mean when I win, I will be Sugar’s knight in shining armor, again. And if she lacks the funds to pay me, I will just have to take it out in trade. I don’t work for free.

Look at that sweet face below. I ask you, does that look like the face of a person who would park for more than two hours in a two hour space? Does that look like a hardened repeat offender? She has dimples, your Honor. That proves her innocence. I insist that these ridiculous charges be dismissed.

Let justice roll down like mighty waters! How dare they give a ticket to my best girl? We will have our day in court and they will rue the day they messed with the wrong criminal, I mean alleged criminal, I mean the wrongfully accused. I have a feeling that a certain prosecuting attorney will have a sleepless night.

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