It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. This was happening because Sonic the Hedgehog's clock was broken. He woke up and fixed it at once. With the day's tasks done, he laid back down smiling a smile that only happened when he smiled, closed his eyes by lowering one eyelid over his left eye, and then a second eyelid over his right eye, and fell back asleep by sleeping.

Months later, summer happened, and that was fine. Sonic the Hedgehog had just turned eleven years old, which is one more than ten years old, but not quite twelve years old, so overall it's about in the middle and that was fine, too.

Sonic looked at himself in the mirror so that he could physically describe what he looked like in a way that wasn't too jarring. He wore a black, velvet, top hat, garnished with a purple bow. He wore his classic 'I'm With Stupid!' T-shirt with the arrow pointed up at his own face. He wore no pants because, well, Sonic don't roll that way, yo. He wore his Red Sneakers that may or may not be a vital plot point later on but most definitely will. Lastly but not leastly, he wore a smile, because he knew today was going to be a good day.

He walked outside.

He stepped on something brown and sticky.

He looked down.

"Phew," Sonic said aloud, swiping his sonic-brow. "When I stepped on something brown and sticky just now, I feared the worst, but alas: tis nothing more than a stick!"

::applause here::

"Sonic!" The harsh voice of authority came from back inside. "You better not be having fun out there, or I'll get the belt off again!"

Sonic sonic-sighed, lowered his head, and shuffled back inside.

His Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were huddled up waiting in the kitchen doorway. Uncle Owen's face was the bright red shade of an jalapeño pepper. He raised his plump fist and it shook tremulously as he shouted. "Sonic the Hedgehog, how dare you consider walking outside and saying 'phew' and all that!"

Aunt Beru scoffed haughtily. "Little bastard-hog!"

"You sleep under those stairs now!"

"Bastard-hog!"

Sonic slept under those stairs now. The reason he lived with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru was because his real parents had been killed when he was very young by a man named Robotnick, and not Eggman. Robotnick had tried to kill Sonic, too, but Sonic survived somehow and escaped with only a scar on his forehead. The scar resembled a half-eaten ham sandwich, and when Sonic looked upon it, he always had that deep, deep, feeling inside him turn up: I'm hungry.

Sonic went to sleep under the stairs.

Later, he awoke under the stairs.

When he went outside, all was dark, and a storm was brewing. Thunder was like this: THUNDERRRRRRRR! Sonic shivered. He was always afraid of thunderstorms since that night when he received the ham-sandwich scar and became the 'hedgehog who lived, lol'. He wasn't thrilled with the title 'the hedgehog who lived, lol' and wasn't entirely sure who'd given it to him, but whenever he thought of it, the deep, deep, realization welled within him: I'm hungry.

The front window was open. Cold storm wind was coming in the living room and the curtains were going super-crazy. Sonic went to them with the intentions of closing them, but when he got his hands on the latches, someone pulled him out the window!

"Whooooooa, I'm going out the windoooow!" Sonic wailed as he whipped out the window wailing and wondering why he was watching his own world go winding away, while he wistfully whipped his hair back and forth.

When that was over, he looked up at a very tall and imposing figure looming over him. The figure was an old man. The old man was dressed in strange clothing. All together, he looked like this: long, chocolate-colored, robes; two hands in gloves; two feet in boots; two elbows; two knees; one stomach; one chest; one spine; one liver; two thighs; one neck; one face; one eyebrow (unibrow, lol); two eyes; two ears; one crooked nose; one chin; and finally: thirty-two teeth that when looked at long enough looked like this: TEEEEEEEEEETH!

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!' Sonic gasped!

"Hello, Sonic," the tall man said happily, winking a wink that made his left eyelid close quickly over his left eye, but his right eyelid remained stationary above his right eye. This was all very impressive to Sonic, and Sonic decided at once this was no ghost: this was a sorcerer!

"You're no ghost! You're a sorcerer!" Sonic said that.

"And do you know what you are, little hedgehog?"

Sonic shook his head as he did not know that.

The old man smiled. "Yer a wizard, baby!"

Sonic looked right into the camera with a face that resembled this: {Xo}

"But how do you know I'm a wizard!?"

"Well, Sonic, I knew by your Red Sneakers, of course!"

With that important plot point dealt with, Sonic wondered if it wasn't about time for the first chapter of his life to end abruptly, as if right in mid sentence so that-