News, views and top stories in your inbox. Don't miss our must-read newsletter Sign up Thank you for subscribing We have more newsletters Show me See our privacy notice Invalid Email

David Cameron's speech at the Conservative party conference in Manchester on Wednesday was a clarion call for the electorate to give his party a chance to finish what they started in 2015 (with a few jokes added in for good measure).

Or was it? Here's Fleet Street Fox with your handy translation.

Hullo conference!

Hello people who are 20% media, 36% big business, and 38% swivel-eyed loons.

This week in Manchester we’ve shown this party is on the side of hardworking people.

We’ve sat stunned while Ed Miliband swipes all the headlines.

When we came to office we faced a clear and daunting task.

We didn’t have a clue what we were doing.

Three and a half years later we are beginning to turn the corner.

Nobody else knows what we’re doing either.

I didn’t come into politics just to fix what went wrong, but to build something right.

I wasn’t any good at PR.

We in this party – we don’t dream of deficits and decimal points and dry fiscal plans…

We prefer to make that stuff up as we go along.

… our dreams are about helping people get on in life. Aspiration, opportunity – these are our words, our dreams.

I’m just like Martin Luther King, me. DON’T SHOOT.

I believe it is the great Conservative mission that as our economy starts to recover we build a land of opportunity in our country today.

Where little white boys and other little white boys can hold hands and play together in the green hills of Oxfordshire and the playing fields of Eton, so long as their parents are rich and married and Conservative. I HAVE A DREAM TODAY!

Finishing the job is about more than clearing up the mess we were left.

It’s about curling out a fresh one for the next lot to deal with.

Didn’t it feel good when Abu Qatada got on that plane?

I hope no-one remembers he went of his own accord.

…EU, NHS, Syria, a small island, a great country…

Blah, blah, blah, how much longer do I have to go on for?

…Michael Gove, George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith…

Look, I know the names of other people in my office! It only took three years to memorise them!

To the people of Scotland: We want you to stay. We want to stick together.

You’ve got all the oil, Jock.

Let’s clap for our Armed Forces and our social workers.

That should kill another five minutes.

Remember Maggie?

Remember when your leader had a brain?

These past few years have been a real struggle.

I can’t think of a single new policy to tell you about.

The struggle will only be worth it if we as a country finish the job we started.

If we can’t cull the poor, we’ll privatise ‘em.

In place of the casino economy, one where people who work hard can actually get on.

I prefer the high-stakes gambling of country suppers and besides, casinos aren’t for the likes of you.

In place of the welfare society, one where no individual is written off.

They’re ALL written off.

In place of the broken education system, one that gives every child the chance to rise up and succeed.

If I keep saying education is broken people will believe me, right?

Our economy, our society, welfare, schools…

We don’t give a stuff about yours.

… all reformed, all rebuilt…

All nallsed up, all rotting after the schools rebuilding scheme was shut down

… with one aim, one mission in mind…

Cull. The. Poor.

To make this country, at long last and for the first time ever, a land of opportunity for all.

… of my chums.

It makes no difference whether you live in the North or in the South, whether you’re black or you’re white, a man or a woman, the school you went to, the background you have, who your parents were…

You’re all ****ed.

What matters is the effort you put in, and if you put the effort in you’ll have the chance to make it.

Blessed are the breadmakers!

Of course I know that others in politics may talk about these things.

Of course it’s a load of old guff.

But wishing for something, caring about something - that’s not enough.

Yes, Ed Miliband loves his dad. WHAT ABOUT ME?

You can’t conjure up a dynamic economy, a strong society, fantastic schools all with the stroke of a minister’s pen.

Which is why we can’t be arsed. Too much effort.

It takes a mixture of hard work, common sense and – above all – the right values.

If you’re not a married, hard-working, white, able-bodied, healthy and wealthy family you can naff orf.

Because the best way out of poverty is work – and the dignity that brings.

The best way out of poverty is the use of tax-efficient offshore trusts in Panama.

Profit, wealth creation, tax cuts, enterprise – these are not elitist, dirty words.

But I love it when strange men whisper them in my ear.

So let’s stick with it and finish the job we’ve started.

In another two years you can have Boris.

Last week Labour proposed to put up corporation tax on our biggest and most successful employers. That is just about the damaging, nonsensical, twisted economic policy you could possibly come up with.

And blowing £50bn on a high-speed rail network built upside down at the cost of £151m a mile of track is sanity, of course.

300,000 businesses have started up in Britain since the election.

Let’s not mention Woolworths, Allied Carpets, Comet, Barratts, Borders, Habitat, Jessops…

I met a couple on Sunday – Emily and James - who had a half-built house but had already bought a lawnmower.

I met some proper numpties at the weekend, but they’re called Emily and James so the government underwrote their mortgage. What could possibly go wrong?

We need to do more. I know that.

I just can’t think of anything.

We’re making progress.

This speech is almost over.

Our fellow citizens working every hour of every day to put food on the table ask this: Why should my taxes go to people who could work but don’t? Who’ve no right to be here in the first place?

I deserve three spare houses and you don’t.

I say to the British people you have every right to be angry about a system that is unfair and unjust.

But the Old Boys’ Network is here to stay.

This is what we want to see – everyone under 25 earning or learning.

Jobless youngsters who can’t afford university to be ignored, and gap yahs for the rich. I bloody loved mine.

You don’t do this job to be popular.

You do it for a laughable peerage and £10,000-a-pop on the after-dinner speech circuit.

For me it comes back to some simple things.

I’m hopeless at complicated stuff.

This is Great Britain, the improbable hero of history…

Are they actually swallowing this bilge?

… there’s no such thing as destiny…

I should write a novel.

I look to our future and I’m confident.

I’ll be fine. I’m not so sure about the rest of you, though.

Together we’ll build that land of opportunity.

You can’t replace me with any of these other gonks, so have a damp squib and listen to Fleetwood Mac.