Back in the fall, the Sun published a really (reeeeally) cringe-y article outlining a list of chapters, or general rules, on how to write erotic fiction…

Well, it baked my biscuits to a crisp immediately upon reading it, but it’s taken until now for me to fashion my adaption of the list.

So finally, I give you a (much improved) adaptation of this list of how to tackle your erotica writing.

Chapter 1: Names

Sun rules: “For women use strong names like Demi and steer clear of unpopular male names like Nigel.”

My rules: Remember that you’ll never be able to please everyone, and free yourself with that acknowledgment.

Do: Use names that turn you on. You’ll never please everyone. Every name has the potential to remind someone of the best fuck or the biggest heartache of their lives.

Don’t: Let someone tell you that someone’s name isn’t sexy. Of course, there are some names that evoke a certain age or cultural demographic, so it’s important to mindful of that with regards to the story you’re trying to craft. But no one’s name is inherently unsexy. That’s absurd and frankly, rather rude.

Also, what’s in a name, really?

Some of the most compelling erotica I’ve ever read — and some of my readers’ favorites of those that I’ve penned — have featured nameless characters. Never underestimate the power of giving someone the freedom to customize the character, especially with regard to gender nuances that might best suit their individual reading experience.

Chapter 2: Jobs

Sun rules: “Bin men do a great job in society but are unlikely to get erotic novel readers aroused.”

My rules: First of all, trashy isn’t always a bad thing. Second, who doesn’t like a man who works with his hands?

Taboo is about taking what’s conventionally and socially acceptable and considering the titillating possibility of its opposite. Taboo is the driving force behind what makes any erotica hot. Your character doesn’t have to be a stupid billionaire to excite a reader.

Do: Flirt with the ideas of unconventional or dirty jobs for your characters.

Don’t: Let some knob tell you that unmotivated or unemployed character can’t intrigue. Those hipster deadbeat Byronic heroes have had no problem wooing us for centuries and we are STILL inexplicably fawning all over them in spite of their insufferable aloofness.

Chapter 3: Age

Sun rules: “Women generally prefer to date older men.”

My rules: Women generally prefer to engage with people who are respectful of their needs and boundaries, regardless of age.

Do: Consider characters from all points on the spectrum ages of the age of consent. Anyone from 18 to 118 is a sexual being who has a unique sexual experience worth exploring in erotica. Readers like a compelling story with characters who make them feel something.

Don’t: Make the disgusting fatal error of assuming that women are only sexual from their twenties to their thirties. Reducing a woman’s worth by arbitrarily erasing her sexuality on her 40th birthday is such old news and we don’t have time for your willful ignorance anymore.

Thank u, next.

Chapter 4: Sexuality

Sun rules: “Strong and independent women like Rihanna are likely to inspire your female readership.”

My rules: … Yeah, you know what. That’s a pretty good rule. Let’s build on it.

Do: Remember that your words have the power to educate and empower, to represent the traditionally silenced and the marginalized. Having strong, sassy, powerful, quirky relatable characters of any gender featured in your writing will certainly speak to those they represent and teach others that though someone is different from you, their human and sexual experience is also valid — and maybe even surprisingly hot.

Don’t: Restrict yourself to writing in the extremely limited realm of staunch vanilla heteronormativity. Not only does the LGBTQ+ community make up way more of the population than some want to acknowledge, but you don’t even have to identify as queer to get turned on by or enjoy queer couplings. Even straight ladies are super down with stories about buds kissing buds.

Also, a looooot of people are very down with the idea and/or the practice of kink, BDSM, and group sex. So let that freak flag fly.

Chapter 5: Attraction

Sun rules: “Bald men can still be sexy – just like Jason Statham.”

My rules: Um… Well, yeah, I agree that Jason Statham can be pretty fine, but what’s your point? Oh, I see. You mean that aesthetic “flaws” are fine as long as the character is still conventionally “super hot” Okay, no, I have a huge problem with this. Because you don’t even need to go into great detail about the aesthetic intricacies of the characters at play.

Do: Champion the things that a character likes about themselves or the person they’re attracted to. This should be a nice mix of physical attributes, character traits, and that inexplicable yet beautiful chemical mess stuff. Maybe even some historical context if their attraction isn’t new.

Don’t: Force and enforce these absurd conventional beauty standards and porn aesthetics. Attractiveness is so much more than skin deep, and if you believe otherwise, I know there’s nothing I can do to change you right now. But there is a beautiful allure in showing humans for what they are, warts and all, to remind the readers that they are worthy and capable of fulfilling sexual experiences (if that’s something they want) even if they don’t meet the problematic Hollywood star/mainstream porn aesthetic criteria.

Chapter 6: Plot

Sun rules: “Keep your readers guessing and make sure your plot doesn’t get boring.”



My rules: Again, I give them a point. This is a pretty good rule. For any fiction writing, not just the smutty stuff.

Do: Keep in mind that suspense and tension is what drives a plot forward and keeps a reader’s eyes on your page rather than roving back to their phone or social feeds. Even in a short story, it can get very dull very quickly if you lose sight of the rising (heh) action.

Don’t: Think that just because it’s smut you can get away with flatlining the narrative with a blow by blow (heheh) description of body movements and call it a day. I know that works for some readers, but come on, you’re better than that.

Chapter 7: Sex scenes

Sun rules: “Let the heroine call the shots during sex in some scenes.”

My rules: Let the sex scene make sense for whatever it is that the characters desire within the context of their relationship. And have them do so consensually!

Do: Write a scene that excites you to write it. If you manage to convey it well, it’s pretty likely that someone out there will relate. Keep in mind that there’s more to it than just a couple of bodies mashing together. They’re people with senses and feelings, insecurities and wants, anxieties and body quirks.

Also, do remember that it’s absolutely not emasculating for a man to take on a submissive role in a sexual encounter. A lot of men are really into being dominated and that certainly doesn’t discredit them as men, sexual beings, or humans in general, good lord…

Also, also, do remember that condoms and lube and other safe, sane sex practices are totally legitimate additions and enhancements for your sexy scene!

Don’t: Mash in cliché vocabulary and turns of phrase just because “it’s erotica” and you think it’s supposed to be there. Not everything needs to be explicitly stated as happening “in pleasure” or “excitedly”, for example.

And don’t you dare underestimate the power of a good metaphor. Yes, they do run the risk fo getting convoluted or way too cliché, but a good metaphor gets me hotter than any scene I’ve read to date.

Just a little hint if you want to tap into my bias with your submissions.

Chapter 8: Location

Sun rules: “Exotic locations are likely to spark your readers’ imaginations.”

My rules: Write settings that inspire and intrigue you.

Do: Find the excitement in mundanity. A setting doesn’t need to be “exotic” to be thrilling. A public restroom, the dark corner of a library, an office after hours, the backseat of a car can all be just as exciting as 17th century Versailles if you write it that way.

Don’t: Think that an exotic or glamorous setting will automatically make your story pop without. You still need to work it to make it shine. And a nice environment absolutely enhances your story, but let’s be honest — first and foremost, the readers come (heh) for the sex and the scandal.

You’re the one holding all the power in the tips of your fingers. It’s not where you set your story but how you take your readers there that counts.

Chapter 9: Jayne’s Two Extra Cents

Write what turns you on.

Write knowing that your words WILL speak to someone…

So consider who your audience is and how you want to speak to them.

Respect that some things that are hot for one person can trigger another.

Watch how often they “moan” or “sigh” with “pleasure” or “in ecstasy.”

Pay attention to what your characters’ limbs are doing.

Remember that you have many senses to tap into.

Use special punctuation and adverbs sparingly.

Stay sexy and have fun.