Apparently, there is a group in Japan called the ‘Revolutionary Alliance of Unpopular Men’ and every Valentine’s day, they march in protest of the expectation of giving your friends and lovers candy, because presumably they don’t get any. They’re lead by Takayuki Akimoto, and he seems like a hell of a guy:

Japan Today- With the participants suitably pumped up, they began their protest march, complete with police escort, thought the streets of Shibuya. “Crush Valentine’s Day!” shouted Akimoto into his megaphone, with the other marchers, who included one woman, repeating. “Crush romantic capitalism!” he continued. “Don’t by controlled by the conspiracies of the candy makers!”

This is genuinely one of the most unintentionally funny articles I’ve ever read, so I need to break it down piece by piece.

This group is called the Alliance of Unpopular Men. What an incredible self-own. That feels like it should be the punchline. I’m getting strong Incel vibes. It’s like the joke in Parks and Rec about the men’s right’s activism group.

They’re marching against Valentine’s day because they’re upset that they don’t get any candy. You know who should be in this group? Jared Carrabis. In elementary school he would stay home every Valentine’s day because he was afraid no one would give him a valentine (even though everyone gets a valentine in grade school??).

While there was definitely a certain tongue-in-cheek attitude from some of the marchers (the two men holding the banner Akimoto marches under can be seen chuckling a few times), the alliance actually does make a few poignant points as well. “Don’t judge a person’s worth by how many people they receive Valentine’s Day chocolate from!” commanded Akimoto, along with “It’s wrong to make fun of unpopular people!”

It’s impossible to tell how seriously they take this, especially their leader, who is said to have been straight-faced raving against Valentine’s day the entire time. Is he Eric Andre-level committed to his joke or does he actually think this is something worth protesting?

I think it’s funny that instead of protesting for participation trophies, so to speak, where everyone should get candy, instead they’re saying fuck Valentine’s day, if we don’t get candy then no one should. It’s like in Parks and Rec when one of Diane’s daughters breaks the other one’s crown so Ron just breaks the other one so no one has a crown. (Lot of Parks and Rec references in this blog. Can you tell I’m deep in a re-watch? Anyways,)

The group also used to protest against something called “White Day” as well, which is not what it sounds like. It’s a holiday in Japan where men are supposed to give thank you gifts to the women who gave them candy on Valentine’s day. How shocked are you that a group that’s mad women don’t like them is also against reciprocity?

Look, Valentine’s day can be tough, I understand that. But in the grand scheme of things, it means absolutely nothing. If you’re not getting candy on Valentine’s day, suck it up. Be a man. Be a woman. Stop being admitted losers, you virgins. And if you’re just fucking desperate for some chocolate, buy it yourself.